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JAMES NICHOLSON
TORONTO.CANADA
Presented to the
LIBRARY of the
UNIVERSITY OF TORONTO
THE ESTATE OP THE LATE
JAMES NICHOLSON
ruKCII, OR THK LONDON CHARIVARI, JUNE 30, 1915.
PUNCH
Vol. CXLVIII.
JANUARY— JUNE, 1915.
GVLIELMVS- MAXIM vs •
ORBIS TERRARVM • JMPERATOR-
LONDON:
PUBLISHED AT THE OFFICE, 10, BOUVERIE STREET,
AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS.
PUNCH, OK THIS LONDON CUAUVARI, JUNE 30, 1915.
101
Bradbury, Agnew & Co.,
Printers,
London and Tonbridge,
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COMMENCEMENT OF THE WAR
Punch's Almanack for 1915.
CALENDAR, 1915.
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Punch's AlmanacK tor_l9l5._
NEWS FOR GERMAN CONSUMPTION.
-THK DIIFICCI.TIEB EXKBIISCED IN BAIEINO THE MUCH-VAUNTED -KITCHENERS ARMY' ARE ETJCH THAT MANY OF
AH» MERB CHILDREN. THEIK EQUIPMENT IS OP THE MOST PRIMITIVE DESCRIPTION.
'SlQSS ARE SOT WAN'TINO THAT WOMEN ARE BEINO PRESSED INTO THE SERVICE. MANY, INDEED, ARE ALBEADY IN UKIFOIO1.
Punch's Almanack for 1915.
NEWS FOR GERMAN CONSUMPTION.
THESf 'ftt
"Is SOCIETY THE CHIEF TOPICS OF CONVERSATION AEE THE COMING INVASION AND ouu MAMMOTH UOWITZEBS."
"IT WOULD BK .MPOSStBLK TO GIVE AN ADEQUATE IDEA OF THE PAJHC WHICH THE ZEPPXLIN J, KNACK HAS OCCASIONS.
HT, IS MAI,7 OF THE PRINCIPAL THOROUGHFARES, I i:HHOR-STRICKEN CROWDS MAY BE SEKN GAZING FEARFULLY SKYWABDB."
Punch's Almanack for 1915.
French Village Boy. "SOUVENIR! SOUVENIR !"
Weary Tommy. "PREXNY THE BLOOMIN' PACK, MY SON. I CAN SPARE IT! "
Gtcendolin. " 'KRK, IF TIIKHK 's OOIK
TO BE MUCH MORE OP THIS SAIXTIN' YOU CAN WALK BY YERSKI.F ! "
Punch's Almanack for 1915.
THE ELASTIC PUTTEE.
ToMLl.N'SON HAS BEEN ADVISED TO PURCHASE A PAIR
OF JONES'S PATENT ADHESIVE ELASTIC PUTTEES WHICH,
IF PROPERLY ADJUSTED, WILL ADAPT THEMSELVES TO
ANY LEO AND NOT COME UNFASTENED. BEING HEAVILY
ENOAOED IN THB ClTY, HB HAS ONLY TIME TO FLINO
OW THE PUTTBES AND HURRY TO THE PARADE GROUND.
Later in the day —
" FORM FOURS! "
(JONES'S PATENT PUTTEES FAIIi
TO ADHERE TO ToMLINSON.)
Later —
" PLATOON WILL RETIRE
AnocT TURN WHY THH
DEVIL DON'T YOU ATTEND TO
THE WORD OF COMMAND? — i —
ABOUT TURN I "
>#£>••"'"
I V ' '
^'"'
•**£-*-•*, A^» -TV-/*
<3a
Punch's Almanack for 1915.
THE SPY PERIL.
ABE THE AUTOMATIC MACHINES ON PIEB-HEADS INSPECTED OFTEN ENOUGH?
GERMANY CALLS OUT THE OLD PBO
THE LAST LINE.
FE8SOBS, WHO HAVE BEEN LABGELY RESPONSIBLE FOB THE WAB,
TO PUT THEIB THEOEIES INTO PRACTICE.
Punch's Almanack for 1915.
SELF-INSTRUCTION IN THE ART OF WAR.
" RATHER A HANDY LITTLE BOOK ON
INFANTRY DRILL."
"NOW I MUST GET THIS LEFT TURN ;
LEFT HEEL AND RIGHT TOD "
•So-
' XOW FOR THE RlOHT TURN YOU " " SIMPLY REVERSE THE PROCESS." " Op COURSE ANY IDIOT CAN DO ABOUT TORN."
' SWISH "
1 HOUND.'
Punch's AlmanacR for 1915.
MINCE MEAT.
(By our Charivariety Artist.)
WK hoar from Buckingham Palace
Every Christmas Day the Fire Brigade pudding is spreading and threatens to
receives an abnormal number of calls, consume the whole of it are liable to a
It cannot be too widely known that , heavy fine.
persons who ring up the Brigade merely
that, while KING GEOHOE cannot under- ' because the fire round their Christmas
take to keep the
KAISER'S Christmas
dinner hot for him,
he will certainly do
his best to cook his
goose.
* *
Asahoiwropathic
remedyfor Himsand
other highwaymen,
our French Allies re-
commend Turpinite.
It is realised now
that it was a mis-
take to place the
Palace of Peace in
the Bosch at The
Hague. The idea ol
entrusting Peace to
the tender care of a
" Bosch " makes one
tremble.
* *
*
A patriotic Bri-
tish publisher is said
to be about to place
on the market a
German Dictionary
in English only.
The KAISER, it is
reported, has laid a
wreath on the tomb,
of the Brothers
GRIMM— the fathers
of the German Fairy
Tale, so popular a
feature in the Press
of the Fatherland.
* *
An unburstable
inner tube for motor-
car tyres has been in-
vented. Would it,
we wonder, be pos-
sible for the idea to ;
be extended to little! 6"*' "^°' 1 WON'T HAVK 1T- -I DON'T LIKE THE LOOK OF IT."
boys at Christmas ' Hnwker. "No, AND YEB WOULDN'T LIKE THE LOOK OF YERSELF, Missus IF YOU'D
time? 8EN CHIVVIED ABAHT BY SUBMARINES EVER SINCE THE WAR STARTED."
There is again a strong rumour that
a pen has at last
I been invented which
will always spell
correctly. Its in-
j genious mechanism
absolutely prevents
its users making
I a mistake in ortho-
graphy, and only last
week a small boy
who wished to spell
"Kaiser" "Kayser,"
nearly had his wrist
broken.
* *
*
The idea of teach-
ingchildren to be am-
bidextrous is to be
extended. It is now
proposed that the
rising generation
shall he trained to
walk on their hands
as well as on their
feet. One great ad-
vantage of this would
be that on a muddy
day they could keep
their boots clean.
*
said
No," said Lady
Deerleigh, " owing
to the War, I shall
not be entertaining
this year." Many a
true jest has been
said in earnest.
*
Ostrich feathers
being one of the
luxuries which are
now almost unsale-
able," Animal Lover"
writes to suggest
that it would be a
humane act on the
part of the mer-
chants to return
them to South Africa
to be put back.
SOCKS.
SHINING pins that dart and click
\ n the fireside's sheltered peace
Check the thoughts that cluster Oiiick-
20 plain and then decrease.
Ho was brave — well, so was T —
Keen and merry, but his lip
Quivered when he said good-bye —
1'url the seam-stitch, purl and slip.
Never u«ed to living rough,
lx>ts of tilings be 'd got to learn ;
Wonder if he's warm enough —
Knit 2, catch 2, knit 1, turn.
Hark ! The paper-boys again !
Wish that shout could be suppressed ;
Keeps one always on the strain —
Knit off 9, and slip the rest.
Wonder if he's fighting now,
\Vhat he's done and where he's been;
He '11 come out on top, somehow —
Slip 1, knit 2, purl 14.
There was an Old Man who said, " What
A remarkably beautiful spot !
With its churches and towers
And its parks full of flowers,
I'd sooner destroy it than not."
Punch's Almanack for 1915.
JMotfier
Rhymes
or
v~ '-»
Letting Lo>se
the Doggrel of War
Punch's Almanack for 1915.
There was an old man of Potsdam
Who thought he would make a
Grand Slam ;
When he lost every trick,
And they said, "Are you sick ? "
He answered (in English), "I am."
"Yon foe," said the KAISER, " we'll
break,
God leading, with Me in the wake;"
But he bolted at Nancy,
Eemarking, " I fancy
My Friend must have made a mistake ! "f
Punch's Almanack for 1915.
There 's a chip of a pious old block
Who has lately been picking a lock,
And it ought to be rather
A blow for his father
When WILLIE appears in the dock.
To his grandpapa spake WILLIAM Two : —
" WILLIAM O^,./ I will give you your due ;
If there's anything odd
In my manner to God
I admit that I caught it from you."
Punch's Almanack for 1915.
WHEN WILLIAM COMES TO LONDON.
When WILLIAM comes with all his might
And sets the river Thames alight,
I shouldn't be at all surprised
If London Town were Teutonised.
Bidding his bands to play Te Deum
He'll occupy the Athenaeum,
And Pallas' Owl become a vulture
Under the new regime of culture.
Britons will have to pay a mark
For leave to sit inside the Paik
And watch the noble Uhlans go
Careering up and down the How.
Punch's AlmanacR for 1915.
WHEN WILLIAM COMES TO LONDON.
A higher Art will mould our tastes
To Teuton wit and Teuton waists ;
And when their houris ply the hoof
The house will rock from floor to roof.
On Pilsen heer the Bosch will bloat,
Supplied by Ilerren AITENRODT,
And German sausage be his joy
At the new-christened Saveloy.
Punch's Almanack for 1915.
WHEN WILLIAM COMES TO LONDON.
When WILLIAM shoots at goal like this
There will he murder should he miss ;
And whon he plays what isn't cricket
God help the Hun that takes his wicket!
Punch's Almanack for 1915.
WHEN WILLIAM COMES TO LONDON.
You '11 hear the Tin-god of Potsdam say :
" Accept this Iron Cross, my RAMSAY ;
Also the NOBUL Prize (though tardy)
I now confer on KEIR VON HARDIK."
Punch's Almanack for 1915.
Tho Prussian officer, 1 hear,
Is very good at lager beer,
But, when he goes for sweet cham
pagne,
It ihakes him fuzzy in the brain.
That's why, when he had had hi
glut-
Haying absorbed it by the butt,
Our fellows found hirn where lie
.Blind as a Corpse in Epernay.
And when at last, a little pale,
He woke inside the prisoners' gaol
He still recalled that vintage-brand'
And murmured, "Hie! Der Vater-
land ! "
IN THE CHAMPAGNE COUNTRY.
ILS.M* A-MANA.K i
andaSail-or,—
with a love-ly
Fleet of
nee there
was a
Can,,
Man named
WlLL-I-AM.
He was a Sold-i-er,
n v ^ could doEv-er-y-thing betrter than
^-y- b^E^He wiaJlf He was so IVoud that his
*•"-" Boots
hurt.
_^ aTame
|HehadaMail-edFi8t, Ea-gle,
J- so he had'RvoFriends —
i-ly One of them m*\r fir
was-n'tvery "U\owVViiL-i-AMwas
Keen ) vcr~y ^onc' °^ dream -ing.
There was one love -ty
Dream where he was
EMP-ER-OR of theEMTH,
and AtEX-AND-ERand
NA-PO-LE*ON and
CES-ARandall
) those peo-ple wer
in theBack Seats.
and
a beaut-i-ful
Stick-jr-up Mous-tache .
vj
[-cause
But he could nev-erreal-ly en joy his Dream, be-
w
A.
of a Cock andaLi-on^nd a Big Bear,
who lived near him and used to dis-turb
his Rest . So he thought it all out ., and
at last one Day he de-cid-ed to give
them What For.
He fetched one /I
of his two
Friends —
theOth-er
One thought ^. ^, ._
he would-n't come, thank you, — anc^saidtojiim ,
"Look here Just you go
sit on that Bear. e
will knock the Stuff-ing out
of the old Cock ; and I amgo-
tempt-i-ble litt-le Li-on. Li-on -*~*«~~
mrSuit Now watch, and you will
& ^-"•^MBB^^^'V, c^»k.
irc-us !
* * * * *
w
£ock turned outj
tobea ^Stl
^ Fight-ing
^\^"_^s^fe C ock ;
^mm*^andihe
Li-on
>£^ some-how
^=z^-~^— -d^j^r — — "^-^ *- 7— a1 -.¥r j
did-nt see his way to be ing tamed . ^o WILL-I-AM pre-tend-ed
hedid-nt real-ly mean an-y-thmg, and turned back
to-wards Home. The Li-on ancfthe Cock have ver-y ^
kind-ly pro-raised to see him
right up to his Door: and
there he will find the Big
Bear sit-tingon his poor
Friend, waiting to wel-
come him.
5 I do not think that WILL-_
I-AM will be a-ble to enjoy his
sill-y Dreams for quite a litt-le
IJL ' *n
1BERNARD PARTRIDGE i
Punch's Almanack for 1915.
HERR BETHMANN'S BARTY.
(After " Hans Breitmann.")
BETHMANN gife a barty;
De KAISER he vas dere ;
De gompany made zo vine a noise
Ash et'er sphlit de air;
De schampagne viewed in poompers
Und all vas himinel-gay ;
Dey drinks gonvusfon to England,
i)ey doasts de glorious Day.
Herr BETHMANN gife a barty ;
Vhere ish dat barty now ?
Vhere is de poashted shblendour
Dat vlushed each, varrior's prow ?
Vhere ish de brotnished trioomph
Of Deutschers, left und right?
All goned avay mit de eagle's tail
Avay in de Ewigkeit."
Punch's Almanack for 1915.
Attention ! while artist and author combine
(The pictures are his and the verses are mine.)
A is my Aunt, with relations at Crewe,
Whose butler saw thousands of Russians go
through.
D » the Bureau where the censors decide
If it's safe to let out that the cavalry ride.
1
I
C 't a Crown Prince. While the others keep
shooting
He rery unselfishly see* to the looting.
V is " The Way " when he 's collared enough,
And thinks it is time to get home with the
stuff.
Li is an tmperor. Need I enlarge
On the obvious fact that he 's leading a charge ?
,
he ought to
Scot-
"Va, mein v.der's name Gottheim ? Nein.
certainly not I "
H for H:adquarters. "Eye-witness" takes
note
Of the w*7 that a corporal puls on his ccat.
Punch's AlmanacR for 1915.
's the Impression one makes by remarking,
My boy was at Buxton and saw them
embarking."
J ii old Jarge ; he 'i 102.
K is the Kaiser. (Let nobody (ail
And he 's heerd there's a war, but he hopes To notice Napoleon drawn to scale.)
it bam't true.
L is the Liar I met in the Strand
Who had "charged with the Lancers at
Heligoland."
L^Fl
M is the Money I keep in my coat
(Now wherein the deuce is that 10». note >).
is a newsboy at work on his " pitch ; "
It's the "Eye-witness" boom which has rnada
him so rich.
0 is the Order re "lighting at night "
(My own lillle house is the fifth on ihe right).
P 's the Professor who gallantly swore
It was Belgian ambition that started the war.
is the Quarrel I had with a man
Who called it "Saydong" when I called it
" Sedann."
Punch's Almanack for 1915.
n't (or (he Russians. 1 ask you to glance S was suspected of being a Spy,
At (he warms on the gangway, alighting in But never was able to understand why.
France.
1 is a 1 own which 1 'm taking as read ;
If I 'd only a cold I would sneeze it instead.
U is a Uhlan who's taking a toss ;
The Kaiser will probably give him a Cross.
\
V is Von dash, I ve forgotten his name,
But he proves that New Zealand was solely
tO ill. III)".
W stands for a Waiter. Alas !
He has emptied some arsenic into my glass.
A in the little equation that '• shown
!» the Cio*n Prince's chance of ascending
• the throi.e.
I is the Youth whom 1 'm hop'ng to "cotch ;''
While I waved to the troop« he collected my
watch.
L is a Zeppelin, right overhead —
/sn'f it luck to have something for Z ?
Punch's AlmanacR for 1915.
H":;'
WILLIE had a little WOLFF,
Its fleece was black as ink,
And every time that WILLIE lied,
That WOLFF was sure to wink ;
It looked as harmless as could be
Dressed in a pet lamb's hide,
But everybody laughed to see
A hairy WOLFF inside.
SING a song of war-tales,
Each a Teuton lie;
Four-and-twenty canards
In a neutral pie;
When the pie was opened
The birds began to sing;
I never saw a dish of duck
So wild upon the wing.
O DEAR, what can the matter be?
O dear, what can the matter be?
O dear, what can the matter be?
WILLIE is out of the fair.
He promised to bring me a ribbon from Paris,
A ribbon, a tricolor ribbon, from Paris,
He promised to bring me a ribbon from Paris,
But somehow he never got there.
Punch's Almanack for 1915.
SPECIAL BOOMS IN BERLIN.
Though Teuton trade has had a slump,
Scrap-iron 's nicely on the jump ;
It compensates for many losses —
This lovely boom in Iron Crosses.
Stone-masons, too, are working hard,
Sculping St. William by the yard,
To occupy the empty pitches
Of prophets in Cathedral niches.
Punch's Almanack for 1915.
SPECIAL BOOMS IN BERLIN.
Tailors are stitching overtime
Eor Prussians who have passed their prime ;
All day and night they readjust
Old tunics which have been and bust.
The Eed Cross rage employs the hosier ;
I hear his chance was never rosier ;
Behind this screen the gallant Hun
Can safely shoot at anyone.
Punch's Almanack for 1915.
BKRNHARDI was a Teuton scribe,
One of the Blood-and-Thunder tribe;
I cannot tell you all he said on
The coming scrap at Armageddon;
But things have gone against his creed
And so he 's very wild indeed ;
And, if his brain goes dottier still.
He'll have to go to Looneyville.
BLOUDIE BILL.
AN AUGUST LEGEND, AFTER INGOLDSBY.
0, WHY doth thine eye gleam so bright,
0, why doth thine eye gleam so bright ?
The Fatherland's sons
May have horses and guns,
They may fight all the day, and sit tight
All night,
But they '11 never get round ^the right.
Thy laughter is pleasant to see,
gloufiie gill,
Thy laughter comes pleasant and gay:
" The contemptible FRENCH
And his Army entrench,
But We haven't a moment to stay
To-day ;
And We shoo the poor fellows away.
"Then Paris lies open to Us
(glottbie gill),
in a week she comes under Our hand.
Nett London shall feel
The full weight of our heel-
By October the 10th we shall land,
As planned,
And proceed up the Mall (with a band)."
O laugh not, I pray thee, so loud,
glon&ie £}m
) laugh not, 1 pray thee, so clear ;
Art thou totally blind
To the danger behind?
Look ! the Cossacks are coming ! They cheer,
" We 're here."
They are thundering up in thy rear !
Thy answer comes ready and quick,
" In a week We have France on her knees ;
Then We pillage and burn,
Do a right-about-turn,
And mop up the TSAR at Our ease,
And seize
Just as much of his land as We please."
O, thine eye is prophetic and keen,
There s a splendour that shines on thy brow ;
" 'Tis done ! We have won
Such a place in the sun
As no one can take from Us now ;
So bow
To Us, the All-Highest. Wow-wow ! "
* * * #
O, why doth thine eye gleam so bright,
Doth the tear in thine eye make it bright?
VON KLUCK and his Huns
Had the horses and guns;
They could fight all the day ; they could fight
All night . . .
But they never got round on the riylu I A. A. M.
<6nb of .ffiotljcr (Bnosc-^tcp
Punch's AlmanacR for 1915.
AFTER THE WAR.
THERE WILL BE NO MORE LATE BISING IN THE MOBNING.
WE SHALL ALL SPRING OCT OF BED AT REVEILLE.
WE SHALL KNOW HOW TO TAKE COVER AGAINST ANY PROJECTILE
WITH SOLDIERLY ADAPTABILITY.
- .w«((i_r
AND WHEN WE CAN AGAIN FIND TIME FOR CRICKET WE SHALL CONDUCT OURSELVES WITH THE PRECISION OF THE PABADE-GBOUND.
Punch's Almanack for 1915.
MILITARY PRECAUTIONS IN THE EMPIRE'S OUTPOSTS.
H
DRILLINO A KRAAL DEFENCE LEAGUE IN THE MASHONA COUNTRY.
?7 : s •
GCABDJNG A CHIEF'S HOUSE IN NEW GUINEA
AGAINST AIRSHIP ATTACKS.
Punch's Almanack for 1915.
MILITARY PRECAUTIONS IN THE EMPIRE'S OUTPOSTS.
SMITH SOUND ESQUIMAUX MINING PEABODY BAY.
ANDAMAN ISLANDS LANDSTUUMKIIS OETTOJO THEMSELVES FIT.
Punch's Almanack for 1915.
Officer (to Tommy, who is having his hair cut with horse-clippers). " DOES IT HURT MUCH ? "
Tommy. "NOT MUCH, SIR, ONLY WHEN 'is FOOT SLIPS AND 'E 'ANOS ON TO ME BY THE MACHINE."
TO POESY— FOR THIS CHRISTMAS.
0 POESY, them chaste and heavenly maid,
Whom all right-minded persons call divine,
How long, how long is it since I essayed
Aught in thy line ;
Since last I -wooed thee, wooed thee as a queen,
And thou didst not unswervingly say " No " ?
On » rough estimate, it must have besn
Some months ago.
1 had a temple sacred to thy name,
A quiet shrine, where never sound could steal,
Wherein I fanned the favourable flame
And did a deal.
Then, as from flower to flower the deep bees sup,
I lit on themes of general bounteousness,
And, at a pinch, could always pick one up
Out of the Press ;
And sat aloof, and plied my gentle role,
And, if afliicted by a sudden blight,
In soft communion with some poet-soul
Got myself right.
Now, now, alas ! that time has passed away ;
The Huns have hoch-ed, the Huns are hoch-ing yet;
A stranger occupies the shrine to-day
(My flat is let).
The measures and the motives that I sang,
And hoped to go on singing, are decayed;
Nor do the folk about me give a hang
For thee, sweet maid.
That they have hearts attuned to warrior feats
And high emprise, I cheerfully admit ;
But 1 believe that, if I spoke of KEATS,
They 'd have a fit.
And men are round me who, with cries of brass,
Would drag me down if I essayed to climb ;
All, all is changed, and as a rule, alas 1
I haven't time.
So if, at this frail hour of hollow cheer,
I still attempt the seasonable strain,
'Tis but to notify the fact that " Here
We are again."
DUM-DUM.
Punch's AlmanacK for 1915.
THE PACIFICISTS.
BROWN AND KOKINSON ON TIIKIi: IloAl) 1IOMK DISCCSS TIIK TDRMS ()!' I'r'.AI'K.
Friends "
Alls Veil
Punch's Almanack for 1915.
THE HERALD OF VICTORY.
r>, 1915.]
ITNCII. OK TIIK LONDON CIIAU1VARI.
K1U
NOTES ON NEWS.
BY A CYNIC.
THI: news that fills our daily files
From special correspondents— miles
Behind the Front — perchance beguiles
The simple, hut the sceptic riles.
The news from Bott- or Amst-erdam
Has German powder in its jam.
Tho news from Petrograd, when fine
And large, 'tis wiser to decline
Without the GUAKO DUKE'S countersign.
] The Russian news that comes from Borne
Is as romantic as a pome.
The news that comes from Austrian
sources
MUNCHHAUSEN'S shade alone endorses.
The news from Nish upon Vienna
Acts son.ewhat like the tea of senna.
News from Vienna wakes in Nish
The exclamation " Tush ! " or " Pish ! "
On Turkish telegrams, qua fiction,
We may bestow our benediction ;
They match (their humour is so tireless)
Tho exploits of the German Wireless.
In fine, the cautious type eschews,
An wholly prejudicial
To his enlightenment, all news
Save the Allies' official.
"The Nations! Gallery had an unwonted
experience. Quite a number of people, among
them a church dignitnry in garters, were
inspecting its masterpieces."- -Kreninj News.
No mention is made of ourselves — a
Press dignitary in sock-suspenders.
VOL. CXLVIU.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDONCHARIVAEL
[JANUARY 6, 1915.
[The
FROM THE NEUTRAL NATIONS.
t boom in the export of copper from America to the
cutral nationl is very
I I H i \|IV» V " - .
.„ ...., significant. If the enemy's supplies cf tins
tiaJ in Uxj manufacture of cartridges, etc.- Avon
lit off, the war wmihl , i eedj end. 'I ho figures for Sep -
mbor ami October, .'.»M, 'how an i::cnase of oeorlj 400 per ci
ivcr the 3 ng figures fir I'.Hil.j
0 BIIITAIX, guardian of the sens,
Wluwe -alliint ships (may Heaven speed 'em)
TefeiHl tho wide world's liberties
Alpinist tho common foe of Freedom;
Doubt not where our true feelings lie;
\\'<- woiiU not have you come a cropper,
Ah hough it suits us to supply
That common foe with copper.
Dear Land of Hope, in which we trust,
Beneath whose ample wings wo snuggle,
Safe from the KAISER'S culture-lust
And free to live and smile — and smuggle ;
Devoted to the peaceful arts,
YVo keep our conduct strictly proper,
Yet all the time you have our hearts
(And Germany our copper).
Although the crown is theirs alone
Who crush the tyrant's bold ambitions,
Peace bath her profits, all her own,
Derived from contraband munitions ;
And you who fight for Freedom's aims
Will surely shrink to put a stopper
Upon our bagmen's righteous claims
And burst the boom in copper.
Once more we swear our hearts are true
And, like the tar's connubial token,
" It doesn't matter what we do "
If we hut keep that pledge unbroken ;
So while we pray for Prussia's fall,
And look to your stout arm to whop her,
We mean to answer every call
She makes on us for copper. O. S.
THE KAISER'S LOST CHANCE.
I POUND him gazing intently at the framed Bill of Fare
by the main door of the Restaurant Furioso, where ]
often lunched at his table.
! -id
'Hullo, Fritz!" I exclaimed. ""What are you doing out
here ? Have you been sacked ? "
• Ach, Mein Herr," he answered,
1 there has of the
German waiters what you call an up-round been. I prove
myself Swiss ; I invoke the memory of WILHELM TELL and
the Alpine Club, but the proprietor say that he take no risk,
and out I go. But no matter. I myself was myself to
have sacked, hut he spoke too quick."
I said I was sorry and asked whether he meant to go hack
to Switzerland. Fritz winked and tapped his breast pocket.
'• Perhaps," he said. " I am rich, I have money. But
first I buy new clothes and then I lunch at my own table
at the Furioso."
" Come where you can toll me all about it," said I, scent-
ing a story, and ho led me to a quiet tavern in a hack street
" Beer," was his answer to my first question. "English
beer. I have done with Germany."
" I thought you said you were Swiss," I remarked.
"That is so," he replied; "but I have served Germany,
and, ach ! she have the thankless tooth of the serpent's
I ' I 1 T 1 1 It . '
laugh in my face. They call me fool, but I have money,
ana the KAISEK has missed his chance.
" Listen, Mein Herr! I have been one of BTElNHATJEBfl
spies Ho is tho Master Spy and came over to England
with the KAISEK, and he stayed, I am told, at Buckingham
Palace. But STEINHAUER is a fool, and i tell him so in my
last letter. One day, a month ago, a gentleman dire at my
table: he speak gcod English and wear London clothes, hut
I suspect him German, and when I see him eat I know.
Some English officers also dine in the room, and ho look
at them— ach! as there were sour apples in his stomach.
So I speak in German to Hans at the next table, and, when
I give the bill, the gentleman point out a too-much charge
or tho butter he have not; 1 bend my head to read, and
ie whisper in my ear in German."
" Ah 1 " I said. " I can guess the next part about the
.ecret meeting and the false name and so on. But tell me
low the KAISEK missed his chance."
"Well," he resumed, "I become a spy. My duty was
to listen to English officers who dine at the Furioso, and
o send reports to STEINHAUEK through a cutter of hairs in
Soho, who call himself Kphraim Smiley, but his right name
s Johann Schnit/elbrod. One night thi-03 young officers
line at my table and talk much about the British Army.
Cno say the Arsenal is weak, another that the Rangers
cannot shoot for nuts, and the third that the Palace is sure
to go down next Saturday. 'Aha!' I say to myself, 'the
Army is bad, and they fear Zeppelins or revolution.'
STEINHAUER will know which, and I shall get the live-
pound note. So I send my report ; but STEINHAUER is
stupid and the five-pound note come not, and I say, ' Better
luck on tho following occasion.'
A week later a cavalry officer dine at my table alone,
and he talk to me for company. He ask mo if I follow
horses, and I say, ' Yes, formerly, when they drew the bus.'
Then ho laugh," and ask whether I ever have what he call
a flutter on a dead snip. I scratch my head, but Hans
interpret, and so, as you English say, I tumble. I tell
him I would like, but "for me the dead snip have not yet
deceased. He say, ' Put all your tips on Mutton Chop for
the Cookingham Stakes,' and he give me a shilling. Pre-
sently Hans tell me that Mutton Chop is not an English
food, but a horse. He say be know of what he call a
bookie who is not a Welshman, and if Mutton Chop win,
f multiply my savings one hundert times.
" So I write to STEINHAUER in haste : ho must advise the
KAISER to put one hundred million marks on Mutton Chop,
and the war will be paid for and something left over foi
poor Fritz. Then I take my savings from the bank and
pawn my clothes, and much money goes to the bookie to
back Mutton Chop. Well, the good Mutton Chop roll
home — that is what Hans call it, and be is a racing-
instructed ; be has been waiter at Ascot, and once lie go to
see tho City and South London. The same day come a
letter from STEINHAUER that I am a Schweinkopf, and he
shall advise the KAISER no such thing ; and he dismiss rne
with netting.
But I go to the bookie, who laugh and pay me one
tausend pound. He did not care; he make ten tausenc
from the many fools who back German Sausage. So ]
write one last letter to STEINHAUER and say, ' Schweinlcop)
yourself! Stew in your own Sauerkraut] ' He get anothei
spy to denounce me, but I find the police have opened al
my letters, and they laugh in my face. But thesuperinten<
dent say. 'Much obliged, Herr Fritz! Thanks to you, 1
also make my bitchcu on Mutton Chop. When you gei
another dead snip, pass it on.' "
child. I have read your SIIAKSPEAHE. But you shall know | Then I ordered Fritz another English beer, and gave
all," he went on. "Already tho police know all, and they i-him an introduction to my own tailor.
ITNOII. Cm TIIK LONDON Oir.MUVARI.-jANUAHYC, 1915.
THE GOD IN THE CART.
(An Unrehearsed Effect.)
TU,«KKY. "I'M GETTING A BIT FED UP WITH THIS. I SHALL KICK SOON •
"WELL. I WAS THINKING OF LYING DOWN."
.JANTAKY (5, 191.0.1
I'l'NCH. (Ml TIIK LONDON < IIAIMVAKI.
Young Officer (back from t)te trenches, on ninety-six hours' leave).
OFF AND GET BETWEEN COLD BHEET8 ! "
THE HARDSHIPS OF HOME.
UOHl THIS IS HORRIBLE — HAV1SG TO TAKE ALL YOUR CLOTHES
CHARIVARIA.
GERMANY, it is stated, has promised
to pay Turkey a fifth of the war
indemnity, when she gels it. This
looks as if she didn't expect to win.
-.- •[!
At last, we hear, the enemy has
found a song which is becoming as
popular as " It *s a long way to
Tipperary." We refer to " Stop your
nibbling, JOFFRK."
*...*
The Sultan of TURKEY is reported
to be suffering from a severe heart
attack, and the KAISER, it is said, lias
written to him telling him not to be
nervous, and pointing out how soon
ho hininelf recovered after his heart
had bled for Louvain.
* *
"There is no room in Germany
to-day for soft-hearted humanitarians,"
says Die I'ost. \Vo had net suspected
that the Fatherland was inconveniently
crowded with this type.
The production of King Albert's
Book is said to have caused many
pangs of jealousy to the KAISER. He
must, however, have patience. His
anny's achievements in Belgium are
now being investigated, and Kaiser
Wilhelm's Book will appear in due
course, and should also cause a sensa-
tion. ... ...
' ff
The Turkish Army despatched "to
deliver Egypt " has begun its march
to the Suez Canal, hut the Egyptians
remain calm, being convinced that
there is no real danger of their being
delivered. ... ...
Discontent with their Government's
inaction increases among the Italians
day by day, and the Tiber has risen.
:;: :;:
The report that the EMPEROR FRANCIS
JOHEPII is seriously ill is denied. As a
matter of fact our information is to the
effect that His Majesty has not yet been
told about the War, as it was feared
that it might worry the old gentleman.
On Christmas Eve a bom!) was
planted by an enemy aeroplane in a
Dover garden. This must be a case of
intensive culture.
The Crown Prince of GERMANY is
reported to have sent a special emis-
sary to this country in order to report
whether The New Clown at the New
Theatre is, as he suspects, a disrespect-
ful attack on His Royal Highness.
"The English," says the unspeak-
able Dr. KARL PETERS in the Mihichener
Ncitesle Nachrichlen, " believe our
natural kindness to be mere sveakness."
Certainly we have never looked upon
kindness as being their strong point.
It is announced from Berlin that the
Government intends to issue a new set
of stamps for use in Belgium. Germany
is evidently trying to attach to herself
the sympathy of philatelists — a class of
men well known for their adhesive
propensities. ... .;.
' *'
"THADK WITH TIIK ENKMY KINK."
Daily Mail.
We think it a mistake, not to say un-
patriotic, to praise illegal transactions
in this way. ... ...
•'.'•
In describing the wonderful escape
of the Newcastle express the other day
when the engine left the rails, The
Evening Standard reported that "The
passengers contained many soldiers
returning home on leave." While we
have realised that there might be a
danger of some of our heroes being
I'l'XCII,
killt-il by kindness, this news frankly j
shocks us, and we are sorry that it
should have been parsed by the Censor
Mr. RCDY.V.U)
iiftietli 3'ear last
KIPLIXO
entered his
FI, OR TIIK LONDON CHARIVARI. [JANUARY 6, 1915.
PAYING GUESTS.
I CAME across Grawshaw in tho road
utiexnoet >.dlv. I would rather meet a
Two or three guests confided to me
on tho way that Crawshaw owed us a
good dinner after all he had got out of
us. Wo seated ourselves at tlm i.!iblf>
rate-collector than Crawshaw. Ho is
weak. He did it I tho most dangerous beggar in England.
quietly, without an ode from tho POF.T ; Flo could induce a blind crossing
l,\i I:;:\TI:. sweeper to guarantee half a-crown a
week to a Belgian Relief Fund. If
Tho Vorii-i'irls reports that there is a only he were Chancellor of the Ex-
shortage of braces among the German • chequer people would almost like pay-
soldiers at the Front. Ostend, evidently, ' ing income-tax.
and then I noticed an empty bowl in
the middle. It bore this inscription,
"Any one desiring to mako a remark
about the War will drop a shilling in
is not " so bracing " after all.
"Good morning, old man,"
trying to dash past him.
The Sultan of TURKKY has issued a "Just the man
rc-cript announcing that the Sultan of said Crawshaw.
KciYi'T will l,e tried by a court- f
martial of the 4th Army Corps, |
which is now operating against
Kgypt. They were wrong who
alleged that the Turks are want- j
ing in humour.
The French Government has
prohibited the exportation of
butter. Curiously enough the
day after the prohibition our
provision merchant informed us
that he was quite unable to sup-
ply us with our " real Devon-
shire butter" as usual.
:;: *
The latest recruiting poster
at Hastings runs: —
"FALL IN! SOUTHDOWNS."
But this does not necessarily
mean cheaper mutton.
" Renter's New York corres-
pondent wires that Mr. Eugene
Zimmerman, whose death was
announced the other day, was
the railway magnate, and not
the noted caricaturist popularly
known as ' Zim.'" This news,
when conveyed to the latter,
was very well received.
*
"NF.VY YKAR'S HONOURS.
for the Soldiers' Comforts Fund."
" My idea," said our smiling host.
" We want a nice convivial dinner with
j an evening off from Tho Subject.
I said, | We shall return to it to-morrow with
fresh intelligence and enthusiasm after
1 was looking for," a brief relaxation."
T want you."
I turned to my neighbour, Spoor, and
carefully selecting a safe topic
began on the weather. " Bit
windy, isn't it, to-night ?"
"Good anti-Zeppelin weather,
I call it," said tho incautious
Spoor.
" A shilling, please, Spoor,"
remarked Crawshaw.
Rogers was across the table.
[ could see him fiddling with
knives and salt-cellars. All at
i once he broke out: "In our
platoon to-day there was a man
, missing, and in consequence a
blank file. Now in such a
case
WOOL -IN IT!
P.C. FOB LABOUR LEADKR."
At first we hoped that the police had
come for KEIU HABDIE.
THE ENEMY'S TRADE.
From Craven House, Northumberland street
i j1 «- r" becn issued a Pamphlet cn-
jitled -British Trade with Russia,' compiled
from consular reports, by Mr. Malcolm Burr
I.A li.Sc-., etc., tho object of the work
is published at sixpence, being to indi-
cate the colossal potentialities of the Russian
" You pay a shilling," inter-
posed Crawshaw.
For a moment an awful
\ silence prevailed. I could think
| of nothing except the War. All
• at once Williams threw a five-
shilling piece into the bowl.
" I met an officer on leave
from the Front to-day," he
began, " and he was telling me
just what JOFFRE is up to."
Now Chapman is nothing if
not a strategist. He listened
with impatience to tho exposi-
tion of JOFKBE'S idea, and then,
hurling half-a-sovereign into
"My dear fellow," I. began, "I can't, the bowl, proved conclusively that
possibly afford— ! Williams' informant was absolutely in
1 don't want your money," inter- ! the wrong.
'"•P*?'] Crawshaw. It was at this point that I remcin-
"\\ell, you've got all my spare bered an interesting fact I had just
blankets, underclothing and old novels." heard about Italy's mobilisation. I
L want you to come to a little could not keep it back. "Crawshaw"
dinner I'm giving on Monday. Just a ' I appealed, "will von fiomnrnmian?
POKIER I STOP THE THAIS ! I 'VE LEFT MY
giving on Monday
bachelor festival."
I looked at him suspiciously. " You
intend to entice me into your house and
produce a subscription list."
ng it.-'-Kentuh Mercur,,.
_______ .......
" My dear fellow, I '11 do nothing of sovereign "
"
appealed, "will you compromise?
A sovereign each for the dinner ? "
"Done," said Crawshaw.
"Good. I always mistrusted you.
1 1 came without a penny. Lend mo a
general headim-
being actually neither
corne? say. You'll run me in for nothing
more."
genial company assembled It was at the end of tho meal that
Crawshaw rose. " Thanks awfully, you
re all bore," said Craw- follows. There 's twelve pounds twelve
1 Come in to dinner, you men." in the bowl. Eleven of us Jiave given
JANUARY 0, 1915.]
, Oil T1IK LONDON CIIAIM VAIM.
Delated Reveller. "HERE, SWITCH OFF, GOV'KOB. I'M NOT A ZELLEUPIN I "
a sovereign and Chapman there, bless
his generous heart, thirty-twoshillings."
" Crawshaw," grumbled Chapman," I
know you 've a family. I know you 're
too old. I know you 're physically
disqualified. But you ought to go to
the Front. Not only would it raise the
spirits of the poor people you leave
behind hero, but your very presence in
the trench with a subscription list
.would make the enemy run."
THE REASON.
UK was a saturnine - looking man
with a distinctly anti-social suggestion ;
but after a while he began to talk. We
discussed ono thing and another, and
casually ho ivmarked that lie was con-
nected with the motor industry — as
indeed all men whom one cannot
immediately place now are.
lie did not build cars, ho said, or
design them, or sell them. What then
did lie do?
" My task is a peculiar one," he said,
"and you might never guess it. It is
wholly concerned with taxi-cabs. 1 am
ah inspector of taxi-cab windows."
Ho looked at me as with a challenge.
"It is your duty," I inquired, with a
horrible feeling that I could not con-
gratulate him on his efficiency, " to
inspect the windows and see that they
are in good order? "
"To inspect the windows — yes," lie
replied ; " but not for the purpose you
name."
" Then why inspect them ? " I asked
warmly. " What is wanted is some one
to see that the wretched things can
be manipulated. I would bet that
out of every ten cabs I am in not
more than two have windows that will
work."
" Two ! " he mused. " That 's a very
high percentage. I must see to that."
" High ! " 1 exclaimed.
" Yes, high," ho repeated. " You
see, my duty is to visit the garages all
over London before the cabs go out
and see that the windows won't work.
If they do work I
That 's my job."
" But why ? " I gasped.
"Haven't you noticed how much
worse they have been lately, and that,
when you take a cab off the rank, the
disarrange them.
windows are always down when you
get in, however bad the weather?"
" Yes," I said. " Everyone must
have noticed it."
" Well," he continued, " that 's my
doing. That 's my job."
" But why ? " 1 repealed.
" Just a part of the general scheme
of getting the War into people's minds,"
he said. "The darkening of London,
the closing of the public-houses, the
defective cab windows — they 're all of
a piece. Only the cab-window trick is
the most useful."
" How ? " I asked.
" Well, it hardens you," he said.
" It accustoms you to cold and wet,
and that 's all to the good."
So now I know.
" Around Souraino there have been violet
combats . . . We have mide considerable
progress in the region." — French communique,
as reported in The Western Kvenmy Herald.
We know that Battles of Flowers are
a speciality of our comrades of France,
and we are not surprised to hear that
the enemy was beaten at this exchange
of gallantries.
8
PUNCH, OR THE 1
ELEVEN SECONDS.
THK word "schedule" always bothers
me- when 1 see it on an income-tax
She has finished
the room, trying to!
to the Assessor, " f
the beard (if any)
LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JANUARY 6, 1915.
' Sir and Friend, — By
aper 1 lose my head. In my con-
usion I sign my name lavishly. I
onfess to profits from trades, pro-
essions, employments and vocations;
reveal tlie presence of unsuspected
,'as-works, quarries, salt-springs, alum
nines, streams of water, femes,
emetcries and "other concerns of the
ike nature within the I'nited King-
loin " ; no secret is made of my colonial
ind foreign possession*. Wherever 1
an invitmg gap I slip in a few
igures . . . Then the assessor looks at
«y paper and tells me what 1 ought to
ive him.
This year things went worse than
ever. 1 got some noughts in the wrong
)lace; a whole lot of gaps headed
Claim for Relief in Respect of Earned
Income," which I had supplied with
particular liberality, went by the board,
ill because I hadn't noticed in the pre-
imbulation some foolish date " before
which any claim must be preferred."
Those two accidents practically doubled
my little tax ... and then LLOYD
GEORGE went and doubled it again. It
>egan to look as if it would be cheaper
to pay income on my income-tax instead
is abandoned, and
beseech you-
urn to her.
Well ? "
I 've worked it out," she said.
of the other way round.
Celia," I said, " we
re ruined.
Cancel any orders for potted salmon ;
we shall have to live simply in future."
And I told her just what the tax-
gatherer had asked for.
" But why do we have to pay so
much ? " she asked.
" Partly because of the KAISER, anc
partly because of me. History \vil"
apportion the blame.'
Colia seemed prepared to anticipate
History.
" Don't forget," I went on hastily
" that the money will be well spent
If I had to make a fool of myself, !
would sooner have done it this yea
than any other. It is a privilege to
pay for a war like this."
Celia looked thoughtful.
" How much does the war cos
Kngland? " she asked.
" Oh, lots. 1 think it mentionei
the exact figures in The Times tin
morning. They '11 be only too glad of
my little contribution."
She retired in search of The Times.
*t :.: :;s $
The stars denote Celia at work. I
can imagine her with her head on one
side and the tip of her tongue just
peering out to see how she is getting
on, the paper in front of her a mass of
figures. The ink is creeping up her
pen ; her forefinger is nervous and bids
her hurry.
'Do
ou know how long you '11 be paying
or the war ? "
" Oh, quite a long time."
" Eleven seconds."
It was a little disappointing.
"Eleven seconds," repeated ('elm.
One-two-three-four —
" That 's too fast. Begin again.''
• • One two three—
" That 's better."
She counted eleven.
It seemed
two
much longer now. One-
three four ....
And all the time my brave army was
ighting in Flanders, my navy -was
sweeping the North Sea, my million
recruits were
[n Yorkshire
ARMSTRONG'S
growing into soldiers,
my looms were busy,
were turning out my
guns, Northampton was giving my
^allant hoys their hoots. Did an aero-
diary. " What about April 1.1th ? I'm
not doing anything then."
" But why the 15th '? "
" I thought perhaps the KING might
like the first few days for himself.
Or doesn't he pay income-tax? Any-
how, the loth is a Thursday, which is
a nice day."
So we have decided on Thursday,
April 15th. Starting at 1.30 (because
we want to pay for as much bully beef
nd jam as possible), for eleven seconds
ve shall support alone the British
Umpire . . . And, when those fateful
loments are over, then we shall raise
glass in gratitude to the men who
ave served us so well.
Oh, you lucky millionaires, who may
e gods, perhaps, for half-an-hour —
lave you filled in your income-tax
orms? If not, fill them in properly
his time. Leave out no quarry, no
him mine, no stream of water. Who
mows? That salt spring which you
vere forgetting may well be the deciding
econd of the war. A. A. M.
jlane shoot up into
submarine dive into
the sky, did a
the deep, mine
was the supporting hand. Was I not
a god among men ?
"Ten," said Celia — "eleven. What
are you thinking about ? "
I pitched my letter to the Assessor
in the fire.
I 've been thinking about my war,"
I said. " Every shot that was fired while
you were counting I paid for; I paid
for the food of every soldier and sailor ;
for the separation allowances of their
wives; for hospitals andambulances and
doctors."
" How lovely it sounds. I hadn't
thought of it like that. It make3 eleven
seconds seem an age."
" It is an age. For eleven seconds
FBENCH and JELLICOE were my men."
"Then I think }ou might have
warned me," said Celia reproachfully
" so that we could have shared them."
" I 'm sorry," I said. Then I ha<"
an idea. " It's all right," I said. "]
made a mistake. Those weren't oui
eleven seconds at all ; CARNEGIE 01
somebody paid for those. We '11 have
ours together later on."
"Well, let's see that they are gooc
ones . . . when we 're having a victory
We might tell people that the las
eleven seconds oft the Falkland Islands
were ours.'
" But I hadn't paid then. Anyway
don't think they begin to use
money till April 5th
say,
let 's do our eleven seconds in
Let's make an occasion of it."
Celia
style
"Oh, do let's." She looked at he
DlNEE DU KAISER.
LE MENU.
Consomme Chiffon de Papier.
Puree Barbare.
Anguilles de la Marne.
Bulletins Varies.
Sauce Creme de Menteur.
Petites Verites a la Dentiste.
MOI en Degringolade.
Otages Fusillts a la Croix d'Enfer.
Langue de Boche a la Kultur.
Supreme de Degout Americain.
Incendies a 1'Amour de Dieu.
Bombe Visee a la Cathedrale.
Saucissons Cent Soucis.
Amendes en Milliards.
DlNEE DU GENERAL JOFFRE.
LE MENU.
Consomme, aux Gueux Poclies.
Puree de Reuforts.
Filets de Sol Natal.
Sauce Balayage.
Petites Tranchees a la Baionnetto.
Soixante-Quinze en Surprise.
Aloyau Francais a la Loyaute.
Contours Anglais a la French.
Timbales de Progrts a la Rongeur.
Obus en Autobus.
Silences Assortis de Journaliste.3 en
Bandeau.
Piou-Pious en Bonbonniere.
Accueil de Glace aux Correspondants.
JANUAKY (5, 19 1-1.1
PUNCH, oi; TIIK LONDON ('IIAKIVAia
NASAL SCOUTING.
Tin-: MIDDLESEX COUNTY COUNCIL is REPORTED TO HAVE SENT HALF A TON OP PEPPERMINT DROPS TO THE SOLDIERS OF THE MIDL
KK.HMENT AT THE FRONT AS A CHRISTMAS GIFT. THE ENEMY is HERE SEES ADAPTING HIMSELF TO THESE NOVKL CONDITIONS
FROM THE BACK OF THE FRONT.
Somewhere in
ACTIVE service is like oratory in that
one of its biggest ideas is action. Being
ostensibly on active service ourselves
we felt we ought to see a little before
going home; and now we have. We
make no boast about it. Like the
simple English soldiers we are we
merely state the fact for what it is
worth.
You ask, you who lead the sheltered
l.fe, what wo felt like under tire; how
you swim from oi:e trench to another;
what we ale and drank ; and what a
bayonet charge is really like. Let me
answer your questions one by one.
(1) We were such a long way under
lire that some doubtexisted as to whether
the Germans were merely trying to
frighten UK, or were engaged in testing
new rifles and tired high and in no
particular direction for fear of hitting
somebody. We only had one casualty
and he wanted to walk across to the
German trenches and insist on an
apology and a new pair of boots, the
right heel being practically torn off.
But we convinced him that it was
futile for an Englishman to argue with
Germans, especially when ignorant of
their language. If a German has made
up his mind to be careless nothing will
stop him. To return to the question,
we didn't feel under tire at all.
(2) You aren't allowed to leave a
trench ; and a man who was allowed to
and then went to another shouldn't be
allowed out at all.
(3) The soldier is not particular about
his "tack" — as he calls his food.
Bacon and eggs, sausages, chicken,
washed down with hot coffee, are good
enough for him to fight on. Failing
even such humble comestibles he will^
when pressed by hunger, open a tin of
bully beef and decide he is not huncrv
after all.
(4) Bayonet charges are getting rather
cheap, so we didn't have one.
We were opposed to the flower of the
German army, the KAISER'S beloved
Prussians. This we were told on our
arrival. Next day we learned that a
prisoner taken turned out to be one of \
the KAISEH'S beloved Bavarians. We
mbsequeutly discovered — well, to save
time you might just take a map of the
Gorman Empire and pick where youlike.
If anyone tells you that our heroes
live in trenches like tessellated boudoirs
in an atmosphere of sybaritic luxury
you might just put him right. Our
Edward had got hold of some such
idea from diagrams in the illustrated
papers. When we reached the crumb-
ling ruins wo were to defend, an officer
was so impressed by Edward's air
of woebegone disgust that he ob-
served brusquely that, in the trenches,
comfort was a mattsr of minor im-
portance.
This assurance pulled Edward
together for the moment ; and he had
just settled down to a placid expecta-
tion of the evening meal when we
learned that our commissariat had
stuck in the mud some miles back.
However, as a second oflicer cheer-
fully observed, in the trenches food is a
matter of minor importance. Edward,
who had pinned all his faith on the
commissariat, rel ipsed into a resigned
melancholy.
Just as he was making his poor but
ingenious preparations for slumber in a
dug-out that looked like a badly drained
pond a third ottlcer came along. A
fatigue was wanted for the
10
IT NT! I, OR TIIK I.ONDOX CHARIVARI.
[JANUARY G, 1915.
Ncirly-made Laiice-Carporal. "On THE COMMAND 'FIX' you DON'T FIX.
WHIPS UN OUT, AN1 WOPS UN ON — AN' THERE YOU LETS UN BIDE AWHILE."
BUT WHEN I SKZ ' BAYNIT ' YOU GRAB UN KY TI1E 'AND,
night. We were it. Edward moaned,
not mutinously, you understand, but
expressively. The thrrJ officer turned
on him sharply. " In the 'trenches,"
lie observed epigrammatically, "sleep
is a matter of minor importance."
Edward and I returned at 3 A.M.
As he flopped wearily dowa I heard
him murmur judicially : "In - the
trenches soldiers are matters of minor
importance."
Edward never got really fond of the;
trenches.
uoy ears cocked for some time waiting ! own, so the point did not occur to
him, and it .merely needs a hint from
for more, but that was all.
I need hardly tell you, Mr. Punch,
how disappointed I felt. It is true
you, Mr. Punch, to get the matter put
right. I only hope ho won't be
there was nothing about my mistress j annoyed when he finds what a slip
either, hut she was so happy she didn't i he has made.
Yours expectantly,
A SAD Doa.
A FIELD SERVICE POSTCARD.
DKAU Mr. Punch, — Hurrah! I am
so excited and my paw shakes so that
1 have to use my teeth to keep the pen j
stea ly. My mistress has received a
letter from my master at the Front —
at lc;ist it isn't a letter but a postcard.
I know it's from him because sho gave
it to me to smell, and 1 nearly swallowed
it in my anxiety to make quite sure.
I should have got a heating for my
foolish behaviour, but luckily my mis-
was crying at the time and could
not see what 1 was doing. When wo
both calmer sho told mo what
>:i tin-card ; and HUTU was nothing
whatever about mo! My master mere-
ly said that lie was quite well. I kept
seem to mind. I could not understand
it. And then I suddenly remembered
something I had heard from a dog who
had actually been out at the Front
taking care of his regiment. He told
me that Lord KITCHENER had invented ; ]~ia<i ~m~aae people lose confidence in
a special postcard for the use of soldiers j u;m_
out there. They are not allowed to
write anything on these cards except
their names, but there are several
sentences printed on them and the
sentences that are not suitable are
by the soldiers. My master
P.S. — Perhaps you had better not
publish this as it rather shows him up,
: and I should not like to think that I
We take this breathless story of adven-
ture from a Suez Cinema synopsis : —
" This play is historian & so touching. It is
a
had evidently found them all unsuitable j tho engineer in a small village the was a
except the one that said he was quite simple labour the became very skilful in
well.
Now I readily admit that these post-
cards aro an excellent idea of Lord
KITCHF.NKK'S, but I do not think that
makingironshlps. Therefore he became a
rich man the had a wife, called Ima. Her
conduct was extremely good. When he found
himself very rich, tho left his wife at all.
One day he accompagned his wife & rode a
ho has carried out tho scheme as thor- motor car while they were walking, ho saw a
OUghly as bo should. Where would jvomcns, called baron Nellie Dow. At last
i .1 i . ... , , Mug man was mending an iron ship. It was
tM the hum ID putting at the end of broken out, the became blind. Baron Nellie
the card, "Give my love and a bone j Doow. left him at once. But his life came in
to - "? It would only take up | as an assistant doctor. She was observing
one line and would mean such a lot ' !'!m «»'el ho was cured. lie found her by
i_ T . i II .1 r -, him. lie know that his wife well & was very
L expect the truth is IMX* sorry about tho ba{1 eatreatmcnti that he bad
us. 1 expect the truth is Lard
KITCHENER, has not got a dog of his\ done with'her!
PUNCH. OR THK LONDON CHARIVARI.— JANUARY G. 1915.
AS BETWEEN FRIENDS.
BEITISH LION. "PLEASE DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT, SAM. YOU'RE NOT THE
EAGLE I'M UP AGAINST."
.JANCAKY 6, 1915.]
ITNCII. 01! TIIK LONDON ('II AIM YAlll.
13
7
THE INCORRIGIBLES AGAIN.
' WHAT-HO, CHARLIE I BIT SHOWERY, AIN'T IT?"
THE DEFENCE OF AMBERRY PARVA.
AMBEHKY PARVA certainly existed
before SHAKSPEAUE'S time, but I doubt
if Sn AKsi'KAitK ever saw it. For which
he was so much the poorer, seeing
that Amberry is a faithful microcosm of
much of England.
Thomas Fallow, Aaron West and
George Hangar are all friends of mine.
Though still comparative youthful,
they ura tlio shining lights of the
A in berry llural Council, self- trained to
face a crisis or an emergency with calm
and steady bearing. When I came
upon them last week they were seated
about the bench outside the door of
" The Throe Cups." A fourth man — a
small hairy strangrr — was addressing
them.
Thomas Fallow motioned mo to
halt.
"We're consuUin', ' ho explained,
" with Mr. Chittcnden as keeps the
baccy-shop in \Vream."
Now Wreain is a shade — the merest
shade — more important (in its own
esteem) than Amberry. It sits astride
the samo high road that the Romans
carved seawards a thousand-odd years
agi), ami supplies us with newspapers,
telegrams and gossip. While we score
in the possession of two tin chapels to
their one, we writhe inwardly over a
Diamond Jubilee Fountain which we
cannot hope to surpass.
" Mr. Chittenden," pursued Thomas,
" brings nooi."
" Good news ? " I asked.
Mr.Chittenden, like the Eldest Oyster,
shook his heavy head.
" I 'eard it from a natteralizedGerman
two days ago. It scams that they 're
goin' to make a fresh dash with in-
visible Zeppelins. Once they can
c-vadothe ships that's watchin'—
He loft the sentence unfinished.
" Consequence o' which," said George
Hangar, "we've gone an' made our-
selves into an Informal Committee o'
Defence, same as sits night an' day in
the War Oflico in London. An' the
question before the meetin' is, what '3
to be done if some fine day we wakes
up to find a couple o' thousand black
'elmets rnarehin' down the main road ? "
" Ambush 'em," said Thomas Fallow
definitely. "Told you so afore. Lie
be ind the "edges an" pick 'em off. My
old rook-rifle 'd roll 'em over proper.
Shoot straight an' keep on shootin'."
Aaion made a scornful noise in his
throat.
" An' them as did get in the village 'd
punish us for them as didn't ! Buruin',
killin' an' worse."
"Then outflank "em," insisted Thomas
doggedly. " [jet 'em 'ave their fill of
advancin', same as old .1 oiler done, an'
then ketch 'era in the side an' discrimi-
nate "em."
"You're not agoin' to do that with
the men left in Amberry," said Aaron.
He was a market-gardener by trade.
" 'Twould be like a dozen sparrers
tryin' to outflank a steam - roller.
Trenchin "s the thing. Dig deep, an'
lay the soil loose 'long the far edge.
There 's a decent bit o' shelter by
Whemmick's Cottages."
" The best bein' opposite Number
Five," added Fallow, whereat there
.was a bellow of laughter, and Aaion
flushed magnificently, for at Number
I Five lives Molly Garner, vooed by
Aaron, but as yet hesitating between
him and the Wream plumber.
George Hangar, who up to the pre-
sent had scarcely spoken, intervened.
j He has a bass voice, which on Sundays
makes the little roof of the United
{ Bunyaus quiver ; for the other six days
I of the week he works at a carpenter's
bench in an open-fronted shed. He
has a sound knowledge of timber, and
is no ignoramus concerning the values
of Hepplewhite and Sheraton.
" You 're wrong," he roared. " Silly-
minded an' wrong! This ain't the
PUNCH, OR TIIK LONDON CHARIVARI. V**™™ *• 1915-
Aisno.
itta-ked?
Answer me t
then smash you
No one answered; to say the wrong 'Twill be tho samo
• IllUfC J- *"-»- ».*u^«. •• 1' 1 O "
Then your plans came to nothing?" on your half-holidays?
con-
RULES FOB SPECIAL CONSTABLES.
[If a Social Constable finds himself outnumbered he may have
recourse to stratagem.]
"Loon OUT, BILL I HEBE'S A SPECIAL CONSTABLE.
COP US WITH THE SWAG IN OUU 'ANDS."
"I DON?T MIND 'IM, 'AURY. 'E'S ONLY A LITTLE UN."
thing would exasperate him, to say the
right would exaspc-ratolii.ii still more. Capper am
•They puts up l.arrycades," con- •' \\ Inch brings us to the sea ,
tinned Hangar. "An" for why? 'Cause "EzzacHy."
t 's only tlu-n, that can hold off horse, " Where it 's the Flee s ph.
foot an' 't.llei v Barrycades made o' j " 'Twould seem so. But, as the Ser-
™ oned o,k, same as I got stored at geant pointed out, the Germans ,s by
d.o back o' mv shod, sunk a good two birth an' nalur' land-fighters, an must
feet with bolu-d cross-pieces an1 spurs, so bo met, trained man to trained man.
an' maybe a trifle o' hm-hi-d wire in Meaning Territorials.
front."
An' where's this
traption to be set up?'
demanded Mr. Chittenden
with sudden suspicion.
End o' village."
Me. inin" that the enemy-
may march through Wream,
with nothin' to stop 'em
wreckin' the Fountain? An'
this was to be a meetin' for
the consideration o' mutual
defence! "
" The question afore the
members," said Aaron hastily,
" is. which place 'as most
strategetical value? Tiling
is to stop 'em quick an' for
good."
•• An' where '11 you beat a
rook-rifle for doin' that ? "
demanded Thomas Fallow.
" If 1 'm willin' to take the
risks "
" 'Tain't a question o'
willingness, but tatties," said
Mr. ChiUoiiden, still un-
appeassd.
"Then put the case afore
the sergeant as is stayin' at
the police - station," said
George.
There was a moment's
pause, then Aaron spoke.
"The motion is carried,"
he said, " an' the naeetin'
stands adjourned sinny die."
'•'.'• •'.'• •'.'•
I did not meet any of the members
for several days after wards; then chance
took me in the direction of George
Hangar's workshop. I found him en-
grossed in the unheard-of task of
arranging and packing his tools.
" Well?" I asked.
He rasped his chin pensively with a
chisel.
"Did the interview with the Sergeant
take place? "
"Ay; the feller's more brains than
the rest of IH put together. Keckon
it's tr.iinin'."
" What happened?"
"What 'app.med ? 'If you barry-
cados, entrenches, eriBladcs or outflanks
'cm ouUido Amberry,' says 'e, ' the
with bigger guns, at the, earliest possible date.
at Wream, Bow- FALLOW, AAHON WEST, GEO. HANGAH.
Also, when 'is clicst- measurement do
allow of it, JACOB CHITTENDEN."
s * >:= ••'.•• *
Thus is the burden of the Empire
borne by her sons when once they get
tho idea of it into their heads.
THE SCAPEGOAT.
" AND what do you do with your.-elf
HE 'LL
BUT *E *8 GOT A BIG UN WITH
"Only in a manner o' speakin', Sir.
In fact, the resolution put afore the
mestin' would 'a' been carried iicm. con.
but for the unsatisfactorincss o' Jacob
Chittenden's chest -measurement. As
it is, 'e 's eatin' b'iled bread an' prac-
tising three hours a clay on the hori-
zontal-bar."
I was a little bewildered.
" What resolution? "
He took a paper from his apron
pocket and read as follows : —
" That it be 'ercby decided, in the
joint int'rests of Whetim, Amberry Parva,
Great Britain and 'is Majesty's Do-
minions beyond the Seas, that the under-
signed, bein' between the age limits,
I had taken courage to
address the office-boy who
keeps his eye on me while
I wait humbly in the vesti-
bule of my Financial Adviser.
"Pitchers," lie replied
affably.
" 1 beg your pardon," 1
said.
" Movin' pitchers," he ex-
plained; and I knew that
the cinema had another slave.
And this too I know, that
a youth who breathed, as ho
did, the pure atmosphere of
High Finance, would never
commit a crime and blame
the pitchers for it, as so many
of our young criminals do.
So many, in fact, that in my
mind's eye I see the following
reports in the papers : —
A boy of five was brought
yesterday before the Darling
ton Bench charged with the
bombardment of a street.
Evidence showed that the
prisoner established a ma
chine-gun in the back garden
of his father's house and sys-
tematically fired it at his
neighbours' walls, doing con-
siderable damage. The boy
pleaded guilty, but explained
that he had been to see some
war pictures at the cinema
The magistrate ordered the cinema to
be kept under observation, and awarded
the boy a shilling from the poor-box.
A girl of eight was charged at the
Guildhall with causing an obstruction
Evidence was to the effect that she
stood in tho middle of Cheapside hold-
ing out her hands and a block resulted
which disorganised the traffic for some
hours. The child's excuse was tha
she had been witnessing the Lore
Mayor's Show at the cinema.
" Tho pictures again ! " oxclaimec
the magistrate. " When will this
nuisance bo stopped ? "
Two boys of seven were charged a
the Thames Police Court yesterdaj
sound in wind an' limb, an' not necdedl with kidnapping a young lady. Evi
at 'ome as much as they thought they \ deuce showed that on the evening
JANUARY C, 191.V
PUNCH, OR TIIK LONDON ('II A I! I VAIM.
10
ECONOMY.
McTavish (to convalescent soldier). "I WAS HEAKIN" YE HAD A BULLET is YE YET. ABB YE NO GAWN TA HAE IT TAEN COT?"
Soldier. "No THE NOO. YE SEE, I'LL BE GAWS BACK TAB THE FK-BONT is A WEE WHILE, AS' WHEN I COME BACK I'LL
JUST HAE THKM A1 OOT THEQITHERl"
before, they first obtained possession
of a motor car from the window of a
shop in Long Acre, drove it at a
great pace (one constable said forty
miles an hour, and another sixty-one)
to a house in Park Lane, where, while
one boy remained outside, the other
drew a revolver and forced the resident
heiress into the car. At this point
they were arrested. The boys said
that they were very sorry, but that the
spectacle of an abduction romance on
the films had been too strong for them.
The magistrate : " What is the cinema
censor about ? Nothing is more deplor-
able than that the imaginations of
young boys should be excited by
these lurid dramas." The boys wore
discharged.
Three boys of six, sevon and eight
respectively were charged at Sheflield
with stealing a railway train. It appears
that while the driver of a Scotch ex-
cursion, which \v;is in a siding, was
oiling the wheels, the three boys sprang
to the footboard and started the train.
The driver pursued it, but was at once
shot by one of the boys, who wa-^
armed to the teeth with pea-shooters.
Asked to explain their conduct the boys
said that they had seen so many train
robberies on the local cinemas that they
felt bound to do something in that lino
themselves. The magistrate said he
did not wonder, and directed that the
proprietors of the cinemas should have
their licence cancelled.
Three men of criminal appearance,
against whom previous convictions
were proved, who were charged at Vine
Street with pocket picking, explained
that it was entirely due to the effect
produced upon them by Oliver Twist
on the cinema. The magistrate dis-
missed the prisoners and ordered the
cinema to be closed.
From a speech reported in the Wi<l-
nes Gazette : —
" The character of this little nation is now
what it was when Julius Cesar wrote ' Do
tous Ics peuples do Ui Gaule les Beiges sont
les plus braves." "
it was in the same spirit of compliment
to the country he was invading that
HANNIBAL wrote " Longa est via ad
Tipperariam " as he began to slide
down the Alps.
"Mrs. Francis M. Cunliffe, writes from
Southport : — To the unknown person or per-
sons that sent three body belts. I beg to
thank you most sincerely for your generous
gift to the 9th (Reserve) Battalion Manchester
Regiment. It will add greatly to the comfort
of four men, and will bo much appreciated by
them." — Ashtun-vndtr-Lyne Reporter,
With three-quarters of a body-belt
apiece they should do splendidly.
A French interpreter with the Ex-
peditionary Force sends us the follow-
ing notice which he saw, he says, on
the office door of the A.S.C. : —
"The waiter is not allowed to be drunk
unless boiled before."
But boiling before is not really so good
as a cold douche after.
The following directions for the right
use of the " Snapseal Patent " are
printed inside the pass-book envelopes
issued by Lloyds Bank : —
"First wet the gum, then insert the tongue
into lock and draw until you hear it snap."
After doing this once you may prefer
to let your tongue, after it has wetted
the gum, return to its' usual position
within the mouth.
10
IT NCI I. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[.JANUARY 6, 1915.
FURTHER NOTES BY A WAR-DOC.
I in blue nished round the corner. I
don't remember exactly what happened,
MY name's " Scottic." I'm a collie but the millionaire man said, Blimy,
and wear a box in which I collect ' couldn't he run_ after his hat wot the
contributions for the National Relief
wind blown off? and the blue men
Fi-nd. Probably you 've met me— and, said why, yes be could, but they were
I hope, contributed. Not long ago, so sure he hadn't. Then he said, Blimy,
they could " turn him over," straight
they could, and they said straight they
would. But they didn't. Instead they
felt in all his pockets, and only found
a clay pipe and some cheese wrapped
up in newspaper. Then things bs-
came so uninteresting that I sauntered
back to Mabel.
The day after our home-coming my
box and I were marched to the com-
mittee. I 've had some bad times there,
told a friend the other day, a
few of my early experiences were pub-
lished in a book called Punch. I 've
had heaps more since then. I "in get-
ting quite an old hand at the piteous
" Won't -you- spare -me -something?"
look. For one thing, 1 've learnt to let
people put anything into my box. Once
I got a penny (from a little girl) that
turned out, when the box was opened,
to be chocolate. A bit cocoa-y by then,
to be cnocoiate. A on cocoa-y ny men, numco. j. >o uou BUUJD uou KUUEO uucu.t>,
but still eatable. But my best haul but nothing quite so bad before. The
IT '1 IT 1.1. 1 1
was during my — and Mabel's — week-
end by the sea.
\Ve went down in a corridor train,
where I collected quite a lot of money.
\Vhen the train stopped half-way there,
I jumped out for a mouthful of air,
and there, on the platform, was a black
retriever wearing a collecting box like
mine ! I asked him what he meant by
it, and, as he didn't explain himself, I
went for him, and stood him upside
down; and in the scrimmage half a
crown fell out of his collecting box.
Everybody thought that it had fallen
out of mine; Mabel was sure it bad;
so it was given to me. You should
have seen that retriever when I smiled
at him from the carriage window.
We reached the sea at last. The
Serpentine 's a puddle by comparison.
The very first morning I tore across
the shingle with two two-shilling pieces
in my box rattling like eigh teen-pence
in copper. Such a time I had, though
my box was dreadfully heavy, being
full of sand and sea water. Presently,
joy! the bottom fell out. But the
public later eecmed quite satisfied,
until a horrid nurse-girl gave the show
away — and of course Mabel bad it
mended.
The very day -we came away I met
the millionaire man. It was a wild
wet day, and I was draining in an
alcove underneath the promenade when
lie appeared. He didn't look rich,
and lie was running and panting and
glancing over his shoulder in a limited
manner. No sooner did he see me than
i a v.hi^peivd, •• Blimy, 'ore's a chance!
Good dawg, then — 'old yer 'ed up," and
at once crammed a heap of "goblins"
i Mabel's word) and lots of crackley
paper into my box. He followed this
up with about two yards of shiny chain
and things that winked so that I hail
to wink as well. Then came lots of
things like goblins with their middles
itten out; and luirdly had he given
way an old girl gushed about the
" darlings " (whoever they were) part-
ing with their jewellery simply wearied
me. As soon as Mabel felt strong
enough to walk we went home. She
seemed to forget that the haul was
entirely due to me. Yet she's a won-
derful memory for some things. Ever
since breakfast to-day she "s done no-
thing but talk about a daring robbery
at Winklebeach, and looks at me in the
most extraordinary manner. I don't
know what Winklebeach may be, but
it's as clear as daylight that she's
thinking of the six sweet biscuits that
I stole behind her back at her last " At
home." But how did she find out ?
OUR FIRST CAPTURE.
By SPECIAL CONSTABLE XXX.
You must understand that the work
of the Special Constable is so utterly
dreary that we heave sighs of envy on
seeing one of our number, an L.C.C.
employee, being allowed to clean the
windows of a public building. The
lucky dog !
Imagine, therefore, our joy at receiv-
ing a staff order to watch out for
motor-cars with hoggish headlights,
and report their numbers to head-
quarters. We were not to arrest them
— even if we could.
Within half an hour of the staff
order we registered Our First Capture.
Myself, I received a fleeting impression
of LL — 8183 ; my colleague took it for
LS — 6163. An amicable discussion
ensued. I pointed out that LS might
mean London Scottish, who should be
allowed to go scot free; he countered
with the suggestion that LL might
stand for LLOYD GEOHGK, who should
also be above the law. We tossed for
it. I won. The honour fell to me to
report the capture.
"Sergeant, oblige me by recording
the following episode in your official
• I . , . . o •• '..vx, ,ii,£- t-ijiouui- in yuui UJHCIIU
before two monstrous men | notebook : Special Constable XXX
has the honour to report that on or
about the 15th instant, in the year of
grace " »
" Is there much more like this ? "
"Don't rob me of my hour of glory.
I 've had four blank months ... In
the year of grace 1914, at the hour of
5.15, post meridian, at the corner of
— Street, a motor-car contravening,
traversing or otherwise infringing His
Majesty's Regulations promulgated by
the Secretary of State for Home
Affairs, pursuant to an Order in
Council —
" What was its number? " demanded
the Sergeant crudely.
" LL— 8183, Sir. And I have the
honour to suspect that it belonged to
the Eight Hon. DAVID LLOYD GKOBGK."
The Sergeant, who wears a yellow
brassard, reported to the Sub-Inspector
(red band), and from there the informa-
tion will travel upwards and onwards
to the Chief Sob-Inspector (light-blue
band), the Inspector (dark-blue band),
the Commander (white band), and
the Chief Staff Officer, who resides
in the west wing of New Scotland
Yard and probably wears a cocked hat.
From there it will cross the Bridge of
Sighs to the east wing, occupied by the
more ordinary police, and will trickle
down in reverse order of precedence to
a regular Constable, who will probably
call on Mr. LLOYD GEORGE with an
official blue paper in his hand : —
" Sir, — From information received, it
transpires that on or about the 15th
instant, in the year of grace 1914, . . .
head-lights contravening, traversing or
otherwise infringing . . . and should
the offence be repeated ... In the
name of our Sovereign Lord the King,
Emperor of India, Defender of the
Faith."
LLOYD GKOKGE will humbly submit
to the decree, will sign a promissory
note of obedience (Moratorium barred),
and the incident will close.
Think of the glory of putting all that
in motion !
Yes, it was worth while joining the
Force.
It having been oflicially announced
(in "Cbarivaria") that members of the
O.B.C. (Old Boys Corps) object to being
called the Old B.C.'s, an intolerable sug-
gestion is now put forward that they
should be known as the " Obese lie's."
Rear-Admiral SCHLIEPER says in the
Berliner Lokal-Anzeigcr that the Ger-
mans could never overcome a certain
sentimental feeling of justice and deli-
cacy with regard to England. We do
not know how Scarborough regards
this veracious statement, but our own
motto is " Let Sohlieping dogs lie."
JANUARY G, 191.0.1
ITNVII. OR TIIK LONDON < 'I! AUIVAIM.
17
THE PATRIOTIC BURGLAR.
[UiL 1 1
1. THE ABOVE PROFESSIONAL CRIMINAL WHO RECENTLY BROKE
INTO A HOUSE AND STOLE A 8ILVEB MUSTARD-POT AND A
COUPLE OP SPOONS
II. SAW HIS ACT DESCRIBED IN THE PAPER NKXT DAY AS
"A PECULIARLY MEAX AND COWARDLY ONE, THE OCCUPIER OF
THE HOUSE BEING ABSENT SERVING HI8 COUNTRY." WlIEX IT
WAS PUT TO HIM LIKE THAT
— UK DETERMINED TO MAKE RESTITUTION. HE COULD
HOT RETURN TIIK IDENTICAL ARTICLES HE HAD TAKES. ALAS !
I'liKY WERE ALREADY MELTED. SO HE BROKE INTO ANOTHER
HOI'S].;, ASCEUT.UNINi; FIRST THAT THE OCCUPIER WAS NOT 8ERV-
lur; HIS
IV. AND THEN REBROKE INTO THE FIRST HOUSE (SILEN-
CING THE COOK WHO HAD BEEN LEFT IN CHARGE AND WAS
INCLINED TO RAISE AN ALARM) AND PLACED THERE THE RESULTS
OF THE SECOND BURGLARY. AFTER THAT HE FELT MUCH
P.ETTER, AND COULD LOOK PATRIOTS IN THE FACE.
18
IT NCI I, Oil THK LONDON C'HARIVAKI.
;JAXUAUV 6, 1915.
AT THE PLAY.
" DAVID COITERFIKM>."
IK it were a siinplo question of bulk,
low authors would lend themselves to
c:eature of incredible fancy — and I am
not sure that his achievement as the old
salt was not, for him, the greater of the
two. Certainly in the scene where ho
tells of his search over the world fo
the process of compression so well us Littl-e Em'ly he came nearer to si nipl
CHAKLES DICKENS ; hut the scheme of pathos than I have over known him t(
].)<n- id Copperjield is too complex, and come. Even the -strong Somerset ac
its interests too many uud.competitive,
to bo packed into a thres-hours' play,
even liy Mr. Lor is I'AISKKH, master of
the tabloid. Of the main themes — the
career of the hen> himself, 'the machina-
tions of I'riah Jli-c/i, the tragedy of
Little Em'ly — only the last was at all
effective iu pillule form. The figure of
Dai-id Copperfield—a,\\\a,ys pleasant if
rather colourless — served to hold the
play together; but the central experi-
ence of his life was treated with the
extreme of haziness. We were informed
of his engagement to Dora, bis mar-
riage, her illness, hercteath, all with the
brevity of a Frenchofftoialcow7H?m/2?/<!;
but as for the child-wife herself we never
so much as set eyes on her. While
a;;ain we gathered that the designs of
Uriah Hecp wore ultimately con-
founded, nobody without the aid of
memory or imagination could possibly
have penetrated their obscurity.
On the other hand — whether with or
without the connivance of Sir HERBERT
TIIEK I dare not conjecture — the person
of Wilkins Micau-ber was given a prom-
inence out of all proportion to his share
in any one of the plots. Unlike the
something that was to make his fortune,
he was always " turning 'up," and,
whenever he did, he practically had
the stage to himself.
I am far from quarrelling with this
arrangement, for I have never seen
Sir HERBERT in better form. His
humour was of the richest, yet full of
quiet subtleties, and merely to gaze
upon his grotesque figure was a pure
delight. That he should have per-
mitted himself, in a spirit of creative
irresponsibility, to deviate at times
into the borderland of farce, and be-
come an hilarious blend of himself and
Mr. HENRY JAMES (1 don't know why
he suggested to me a burlesque of Mr.
HEX BY JAMES, for 1 have never known
that most distinguished of writers to
lapse from decorum) need not trouble
anybody in a play where there was no
pretence of insisting upon the letter, of
DICKENS
The transition
cent of this East Anglian tar could no
conceal his sincerity.
I shrink from the odious task of dis
tinguishing between the merits of i
most admirable cast, but I must men
tion the delightfully piquant droller)
of Miss SYDNEY FAIRBROTHER as Mrs
Micawber, and the too-brief excellence
of Mr. HOY BY FORD as tlio Waiter o
from Fahtaff to
Micawber, from a bibber of sack to a
bibber of punch, was. an easy one for
tafflBBl ; but not so easy wore the
constant changes from and into the part
of Dan'l Pegyotty. Here he gave us a
really admirable character-sketch— for
Peygolty belongs to the region of possi-
bility, whereas Micawber is always a
TWO HERBERTS IN THE FIELD.
[In the scene of the emigration ship the
entrance of Micawber follows with startling
rapidity upon the exit of Dan'l Fegyotty.]
Sir HERBERT TBEE (as Dan'l Peggotty) to
Sir HERBERT TREE (as Micawber). "TH'KER,
I ZED 'TWOULD HAPPEN zo ONE OP THKSK
VINE DAYS. YOU ?VE TUBNED UP TOO ZOON ! "
the " Golden Cross," and Mr. GAYER
MACKAY as Littimcr. Mr. QUARTER-
MAINE'S Uriah Heep — a very careful
study — seemed perhaps too obviously
stamped from the start with the hall-
mark of villany. Conversely the Betsey
TrotKood of Miss AGNES THOMAS ap-
peared to be lacking in austerity of mien.
One shared Mr. NIGEL PLAYFAIR'S
enjoyment of the futility of Mr. Dick ;
but this freakish figure, so typical of
DICKENS, seemed always a little out of
the picture.
Though Mrs. Gummidge, played with
a sound restraint by M'iss ADA KINO,
insisted from time 'to time upon the
fact that she was a "loos lorn cn-etur',"
we were spared a good many of the
author's reiterated tags, and 1 think it
was not till his friends had guaranteed
to lubricate his passage to the New
World that Mr. Wilkins Micawber so
much as alluded to his habitual ex-
pectation of something " turning up."
The popularity of tho production
promises to bo exceptional, and with
good reason, apart from tho high
quality of the performance. For with
its human tenderness, and tho relief of
its gaiety, it offers just tho right kind
of distraction to the strain of public
emotion in those times. And, though
its matter bears no relation to the
subject which absorbs our hearts, the
very name of CHARLES DICKENS makes
immediate appeal to that national spirit
which tlie War has ro-awakened.
O. S.
TO SOME OF OUR EDITORS.
YE pundits who edit our papers,
How long will it take you to learn
That mere egotistical capers
Are not of the highest concern?
The writers who cut them for ages
In the nostrils of England shall stink,
Yet while able to hamper, you pet and
you pamper
These slingers of poisonous ink.
In the stress of a conflict Titanic,
When personal sorrow is mute,
We see them beset with a panic
Of losing their chances of loot ;
So they start with indecent endeavour,
On the flimsiest pretext and hint,
Criticising and squealing, but only
revealing
Their passionate craving for print.
When they ask you to publish their
sloppy,
Sophistical, impudent screeds,
Think, editors, less of " good copy "
And more of the national needs;
For whether they pontify sadly,
Or flout us in cap and in bells,
Pontifical patter and arrogant chatter
Are worse than the enemy's shells.
There's a saying that's frequently
quoted,
And cannot be wholly ignored,
That the pen, when its force can be
noted,
Is a mightier thing than tho sword;
3ut the mightiness doesn't reside in
Tho pen, but the writer behind,
Who, if hostile to reason or bent upon
treason ,
No deadlier weapon can find.
n Peace, in the times that were piping,
When pacifists bade us disarm,
nhis smart intellectual sniping
Did less recognisable harm ;
3ut now, in the ho.ur of its peril,
The country is sick of its Shaws,
And hurls to tho devil the sophists who!
revel
In pleading the enemy's cause.
JANUARY 6, 1015.]
ITNCII. Oil TIIK LONMMiN < 'HA III YA II I.
19
-< . .s S> -- •>, • - \
Tommy (to hispal in mildle ofchirje). "LooK our, BILL. Youa BoorLAOB la UNDJSE!
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
(By A/r. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)
THIS paragraph will, I hopj, catch your eye in tim3 to
be of use a-j a guide in the holiday fairy-tale traffic. But
at worst there are always hirthdays or, for nursery gifts,
those even more apt occasions known as Nothing-in-par-
ticular Days. (Iliimpty-Dumpty, you reme:nl>er, a recognised
authority, used to call them un-hirthdays.) Anyhow, if
you should he looking ahout for something applicable to Kit
or Ursula, you may take my word that you will find noth-
ing hotter than The Dream Pedlar (SiMi'KiN, MARSHALL).
The letterpress — I beg your pardon, I should have said the
"reading" — is by Lady MAHGAUET SAOKVILLE, who has
clearly a pretty taste in fairy matters, and the pictures are
by FLORENCE ANDERSON in colour, and CLARA SHIRLEY
HAYWAHD in black-and-white. I don't say that all these
are of equal merit, but the best of them are delightful.
Moreover, although in the modern sumptuous fashion the
colour plates are introduced on brown-paper mounts,
still they have the practical merit of being fixed, and
not merely gummed at one corner, a fashion that simply
results in litter for the nursery floor. The tales them-
selves are wholly charming, and ahout quite the right
people, kings and woodcutters and dream-princesses and
goblins. Perhaps now and again Lady MARGARET falls to
the temptation of being a thought too clever with an aside,
so to speak, whispered in the ear of tho reader-aloud. But
the wise child will forgive her this for the compelling
charm of her simplicities. For me, if I had a favourite in
the tales, it was perhaps Martin's godmother, "an attractive
old lady, short, with large fan-like ears, which she would
wave to and fro when amused." There is an enchanting
picture of her doing it. I have not yet known the nursery
where that picture would not soon bear the thumb-marks
of popularity.
Not a single word could be conveniently omitted from
Friends and Memories. (ARNOLD), but I could easily spare
a great many of its notes of exclamation — nearly all
superfluous — for Miss MAUDE VALERIE WHITE'S style of
writing needs no such advertisement. And having got rid
of that grumble I feel at liberty to express, without restraint,
my profound admiration of the book and its author. Never,
then, has it been my good fortune to read so many pages
that are filled with what I can only call the fragrance of
life. Sorrows and troubles Miss WHITE has known in
abundance— one often sees her smiling through a veil of
tears — but she steadfastly refuses to dwell upon anything
but the joy of living, and the kindness of. her many friends.
This splendid way of regarding the world is one of the
qualities that has made her welcome and more than wel-
come wherever, she goes ; it is also the quality that gives
an almost unique distinction to her volume of reminiscences.
One can scarcely think of her as an eminent composer
whose songs have been beard throughout the world when
the gift, which she obviously values most and would her-
self call " priceless," is that of being able to keep up a
cheerful end whatever happens. Her book, therefore, is
really both a tonic and a lesson, but it is a tonic that is as
delightful as good champagne, and it is a lesson that is full
of humour and of what is rarer than humour — good fun.
Even in her reticences Miss WHITE cannot save herself
from being amusing, for on her first page she refuses to tell
us her age, though afterwards she gives it away time and
again to anyone inquisitive enough to use a little arithmetic.
But she neod have no fears, for she has the spirit of youth
which can laugh at figures and defy the passing years.
20
PUNCH, Oil TIIH LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JASUABY 6, 1915.
Though I enjoyed Broken Shackles (METHUEK) in a mild
bo little
think this that I am
Must I believe that the life of anybody, even the
udost worke.l and least attractive village g.rl, is as degree, I hardly think that Mr.
devoid of exhilaration and good cheer as was that of given us of his beat.
Chriantas llamhjn ? May bo dismal c'
and then to individuals which make tlu-i
i irit thov WIMV di"i •! and had D6V6T been wuro, »uw .«.»»«* ,=««•«»•««» -"-a o — — o — «;
admit tbaTu wa-o with Cftmm« at the moment when ; man named de Vallc, an officer in the Eastern Army of
,r second lovor proved to be- entirely spurious and to France, who is married but lives apart from las wife. The
I',' ,' r .i.W.,,1 Lsion in order to steal "a purse. But I am ; time is the winter of 1870, and when, the great surrender
,., that, apa.t from and before this little comes, and the army is forced over into Switzerland, tc
, ,,,lv she was necesUnry in a state of gloom by reason ' Valle is so sick of military muddles that he determines to
he mere dulnesa and haidship of the existence of her settle down as a Swiss civilian and never go back any more.
sort Tlrs is * proposition which, notwithstanding Mrs. This (fortune helping him) he is enabled to do He changes
HKNKY DODHNBY'S "skilful pleading, I am reluctant to his name to Dnral, and starts the simpler life with some
accept I prefer to think that the girl found recreation ' pleasant folk who run a saw-mill in the Brunnen Ihal.
least in everyotherday events, of He even goes so far as to marry the maid of the mill.
iicr'neiiihhourhood which would make no appeal to Mrs. ! Which was rash of him, since he was still legally tied to his
JVPFNEY or myself; ori indml, that the brooding over her French wife, and (in fiction at least) the course o. bigamy
unhappv lot in general, and her first love failure in parti- never did run smooth. Inevitably, therefore, not only did
cular afforded some satisfaction for which credit has not he encounter his wife again, coming out of the casino at
been allowed. Undoubtedly ' ' : Intarlaken (she too has not
the
(ho environment of
Hamlyns is studied rather
from our view than from
their own, and by that
method of analysis a vast
amount of human misery
may be discovered which
does not always in fact
exist. Apait from that,
What a Woman Wants
(HEINEMANN) is a convinc-
ing study of the sordid side !
of things ; but I would like
to see the admirable gifts
of the authoress directed
to the emphasizing of the
merrier side of the same
sort of life, so that we
might compare the two
and form a more balanced j
opinion
GERMAN SPY REPORTS TO HEADQUARTORS.
"HAVE VISITED ABMY AND NAVY STORES. FIND BRITISH FORCES
BEING BUPPLIED WITH MANY USELESS ARTICLES CALCULATED TO
EMBARRASS THEIR MOVEMENTS. "
been
\ while married a Russian
Prince), but the villain of
the story also saw them
both, and looked to make
a good thing by it. But
you know how quick and
deep the Aar runs at Inter-
laken? Dnval accordingly
pushed the inconvenient
blackmailer into the water,
and everyone, with this ex-
ception, "lived happy. The
leal merit of the book lies
not in this improbable plot,
but in its moving chapters
upon a little treated phase
of the last Franco-German
fighting. These are well done.
Many gentle readers will
1 be well pleased to hear that
AGNES and EGEHTON CASTLE are giving them more news of
that engaging heroine, Lady Kilcroney. True, in the new
book Kitty herself plays but a subordinate part, but as her
dainty mantle of insolence ared cbaim appears to have fallen
on the shoulders of a worthy successor no one need grumble
upon that score. The new book is called The Ways of Miss
Barbara (SMITH ELDER), and I daresay that having said so
much I might spare myself the pains of telling precisely
what those ways were. Do you need to hear how Mistras
Barbara (who was a kind of eighteenth-century Becky
Sharp without the sting) wns befriended by Lady Kitty
and her susceptible lord? How the noble carriage was
waylaid on its journey from Paris to the coast? How the
highwayman was eventually brought to book by the wiles
of Barbara, who in the long run marries a duke, and is left
preparing for permanent prosperity? Whether this last
expectation will be fulfilled without preliminary troubles I
lake leave to doubt. Indeed, the situation as regards
snippets from GRONOW; translated excerpts from those Tlarbaia and her ducal spouse is left so full of intriguing
delightful allies,^ DAI-DI.T, S \INT-BEUVE, ANATOLE FRANCE; possibilities that 1 could not but suspect those clever
campaigner, the EUKKTON CASTLES, of having artfully
arranged it as a kind of concrete foundation frcm which
to iitUick the public sympathy later on. This is as may be.
Meanwhile here is a pleasantly sparkling comedy with
which, I vow, you are like to find yourself vastly well
The Bed-Book of Happiness is a " Colligation or Assem-
blage of Cheerful Writings," colligated by Mr. HAROLD
BKGIHE, and published by Messrs. HODDER AND STOUGHTON.
It is a second edition, entitled the Red-Cross Edition, and it
offers itself as an anodyne for the pain and boredom of
wounded heroes. Said heroes, of average British pattern,
would, I think, receive a nasty shock on reading the title
and might be tempted to thiust the volume privily away
without more ado. But they need do no such thing; it is
nothing like so bad as that. On the contrary it is stuffed
with most excellent matter for the perceptive, in doses not
long enough to tire and with sufficient variety to stimulate.
Old favourites from HOOD and CALVEULEY ; an odd Ingoldsby
or two ; whimsicality from SAMUEL BUTLER ; absurdities
from thatotherSAMUUL (CLEMENS); growls from that greatest
of the tribe, JOHNSON ; cheeriness from that best of poets
and schoolmasters, T. E. BROWN ; a little STKRNK, a little
DICKENS, a little THACKERAY; Percy Anecdotes and
and so forth and on. Of course no two colligators of bed-
books could agree upon their choice, but I do
Mr. Bi (ii-.ii: might have bagged a little from E. L. S.
think
That
omission and the deplorable title are my chief grievances.
tt is a sound point that there is no unwholesome invalidy
tone about this seasonable re issue with additions.
pleased.
JANUARY 13, 1'Jir,.]
PUNCH, OR TIIK LONDON CHARIVARI.
21
CHARIVARIA.
"Tun enemy is not yet subdued,"
announced tlio KAISER in his New
Year's address to his troops. It is
gratifying to have this rumour con-
lirmed from a source so unimpeachable.
Piince BITKLOW is finding himself
do Imp at Homo. " Man wants but
little here, BUKLOW," he is being told.
"Stick it! " it may bo remembered,
was General VON KL,U<JK'S Christmas
message as published in a German
newspaper. The journal in question
is evidently read in Constantinople, for
the Turks are now stated to have sent
several thousand sucks of cement to the
Egyptian frontier with which to fill up
the Suez Canal.
•]: -;:
After all, it is pointed out, there is
not very much difference between the
reigning Sultan of TURKEY and his pre-
decessor. The one is The Damned,
and the other The Doomed.
* *
With reference to the "free fight"
between Austrians and Germans in the
concentration camp at Pietennaritz-
burg, which Reuter reported the other
day, we now hear that the light was
not entirely free. Several of the com-
batants, it seems, were afterwards fined.
*...*
The latest English outrage, according
to Berlin, was dorre upon the German
officer who attempted to escape iu a
packing-case. It is said that he has
been put hack in his case, which has
been carefully soldered up, and then as
carefully mislaid.
* *
Another typical German lie is pub-
lished by the Frankfurter Zeitung.
Describing the FIRST LORD this sheet
says-: — "Well built, he struts about
elegantly dressed ..." Those who
remember our WINSTON'S little pork-
pie hat will resent this charge.
An awfully annoying thing has hap-
pened to tha Vossische Zeitung. Our
enterprising' little contemporary asked
three Danish professors to state in
what way they were indebted to Ger-
man science, and they all gave wrong
answers. They said they were also
indebted to English science.
* *
"HOUNDS IN A" WORKHOUSE."
Daily Mail.
It was, of course, inevitable that the
hunts should suffer through the war.
The Evening Standard has been
making enquiries as to the effect of the
War on the membership of the various
Clubs. The report from the Athena'um
was " The War has not affected the
club at all." Can it he that the dear
old fellows have not heard of it yet?
•
"Business as usual" is evidently
Paraguay's motto. They are having
one of their revolutions there in spite
of the War. ... .,,
' *
The Tato Gallery authorities have
now placed the pictures they value
most in the cellars of that institution,
GALLANT ATTEMPT BY A MEMBER OP THE
BRITISH EXPEDITIONARY FORCE TO DO JUS-
TICE TO ALL HIS NEW YEAR'S GIFTS.
and the expression on the face of any
artist who finds his work still on the
wall is in itself a picture.
Famous Lines.
" After plying regularly for nearly twenty-
five years between Vancouver, Victoria uud
the Orient, the last few months of excitement
must have brought back to the memory of her
old timbers — if they happen to be sentient, as
Kipling would almost have one believe — the
famous line, ' One crowded hour of glorious
life is worth a cycle of Cathay.' "
Xciea-Adrertiser (Vancouver, B.C.)
" P. B. — It is a pleasure to read your
stirring lines entitled ' To Berlin ' ; they
possess the twin merits of being vigorous and
timely. Wo should make an alteration in
title, calling them simply ' To Berlin.' "
Great Ttioughts.
No, don't thank us. Our advice is
always at the disposal of young writers.
ENGLISH LINES FOR ENEMY CALENDARS.
For the KAINKR —
" La Belle France sans merci
Hath thee in thrall."
For the Emperor of AUSTRIA, after the
rout in Serbia —
" ' But what good came of it at last ? '
Quoth little PKTKR, king."
For the Commander of the Western.
Campaign —
" Of all the towns that are so far
There 's none so far as Calais."
For General VON MOLTKI-: (retired) —
" Then was I like some watcher on
the Rhine
When a new plan is forced, into
his ken."
For the Sultan of TURKEY —
" Ho will hold me when hi&friendship
shall have spent its novel force
Something better than his dog, a
little dearer than his horse."
For the IMPERIAL CHANCELLOR —
"Oft bad I heard from EDWARD
GREY."
WAR ETIQUETTE.
ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.
Materfamilias (Manchester). — No,
it is not necessary for you to wear a
dressing-gown for -dinner out of com-
pliment to your wounded guests'
pyjamas; if you wear your best tea-
gown they will not know the differ-
ence.
Sweet and Twenty (Surbiton). — I do
not think your mother could object
to your tucking up your charming
wounded officer for the night as long
as you don a Red Cross cloak over
your evening attire. It is not usual to
kiss these wounded heroes unless you
or they are under seventeen or over
seventy.
Veronica (Ventnor). — I think . the
right size of photograph for your second
cousin to take with him to the Front
depends on its subject : cabinets are
usual for dogs, horses and female first
cousins; carte size for parents and
male relatives ; but from the tone of
your letter and from the fact that you
are only his second cousin, I think
there are but two alternatives : boudoir
size, or a dainty miniature in a leather
case- for the pocket, such as can be ob-
tained at Messrs. Snooks for the modest
sum of ten guineas.
" Germans and Austriaus at Loggerheads."
Daily Pope, .
Another of these Polish towns.
VOL. CSLVIII.
fjANl'AHY 13, 1915.
"PUNCH"
rTo tin- <'(lu- T
IN THE ENEMY'S TRENCHES.
lotto, .prfneed
•i 'mall p.K-kct of excellent" cigau and dgM»ttM.'1
A SCKXT of truce was in the air,
And mutual compliments wore paid—
A sausage here, a mince-pie there,
In lieu of bomb and hand-grenade;
And foes forget, that Chrislmastide,
Their business was to kill the other side.
Then, greatly shocked, you rose and said,
"This is not my idea of War;
On milk of human-kindness fed,
Our men will lose their taste for gore;
All this unauthorized good-will
Must be corrected by a bitter pill.
And forth you strode with stiffened spine
And met" a Saxon in the mud
(Not Anglo-) and with fell design
To blast his joyaunce in the bud,
And knock his rising spirits flat,
You handed him a Punch and said, " Taka that ! '
A smile upon his visage gleamed.
Liitle suspecting your intent,
He profl'ered what he truly deemed
To be a fair equivalent—
A bunch of fags of local brand
And Deutschodorbs from the Vaterlancl.
You found them excellent, I hear;
Let's hope your gift had equal worth,
Though meant to curb his Christmas cheer
And check the interchange of mirth ;
I should be very glad to feel
It operated for his inner weal.
For there lie found, our dingy friend,
Amid the trench's sobering slosh,
\Vhat must have left him, by the end,
'A wiser, if a sadder, Bosch,
Seeing himself with chastened mien
In that pellucid well of Truth serene.
O. S.
UNWRITTEN LETTERS TO THE KAISER.
No. XIII.
(From Grand Admiral VON TIUPITZ.)
ALL Giu'cioys LORD, — It is no pleasant life in thes
days to bo a sailor, especially if one happens to be an
Admiral responsible for the organisation and direction of t
great Fleet. This morning, for instance, just as I wa
drinking my early cup of coffee there comes me in m
servant bearing a letter : " Will your Excellency have i
now ? " he says, " or will you wait till you have gatheree
more strength as the morning goes on ? " and with that th
old sea-dog smiles a just perceptible smile.
" Is it from — — ? " I say, leaving out the name.
" Yes," he answers, " it is from . It is the sevent
in three days. It will assuredly be some pleasant wis
for the New Year. The Lord Great Admiral is, indeec
fortunate in having so high a well-wisher. I myself hav
no such luck, being only —
" It is enough," I say, for I knew that he was about to te
mo once more that he was only a poor orphan and that hi
wife's temper being of a bitter complaining nature ha
riven him from his home many years ago. It is a long:
ory and he spares not the smallest detail in telling it,
ay, rather he takes delight in showing how, in spite of
is own worthiness, destiny has with express malice singled
im out from his fellows to be trodden upon at all those
noments when he had a right to look for ease and cnjoy-
t. This morning I was in no humour to listen to it,
o I ordered him to lay the letter down and to go about his
usiness. When he "had departed I opened the letter,
vhich was a useless proceeding, for I already knew it was
i-oin your all-highest Self, and, without reading it.^I could
avo written down its contents word for word. Notwith-
tanding this, I received the letter and read it with the
espect'that is due to such a communication, and I now
roceed in all humility to answer it.
And first I will tell your Majesty that what you ask
annot promise to do. You want me to provoke a fleet action
under the best conditions so that we may be sure of smashing
ip the British and securing eternal glory for ourselves.
These things are, no doubt, splendid, but they are not done
jy waving a wand. In securing conditions the enemy also
las something to say, especially when ho is much stronger
han we are, so much so that, wherever we can put one
ship, he can put at least two ships of equal power. And
sailors have to con-sider the sea, the wind, the fog and a
housand other things that the landsman cannot under-
•tand. To bombard Scarborough and Whltby and to kill
women and children may be all very well for once in a
way, but even for that once it was not so glorious a feat
that your Majesty will wish to inscribe it. amongst the
jattle-honours of our Navy. I may whisper to your
Majesty, moreover, that in face of a brave and resourceful
!oe these showy excursions are .not without risk, and it
was only by the skin of their teeth that your ships escaped
nto home waters after they had flung their shells into the
;wo undefended coast-towns.
Next, you want your foreign commerce restored. I can-
not do that. It is a misfortune of war that if your enemy
has a bigger fleet he can wipe away your foreign trade. If
your Majesty did not wish it to be so it would have been
better not to go to war. I presume your Majesty couldn't
wait, lest the Russians should construct strategic railways
and the French provide themselves with boots (which I
understand they have now procured in great quantities),
but there it is ; and after all we might not have been better
off for waiting, since these English rascals showed a most
bloodthirsty determination always to have a bigger Fleet
than ours, no matter what we did. And so our poor
commerce must have disappeared in any case. For an
Empire like ours that is, I am informed, a great misfortune,
though, for my own part, it has not hitherto affected me.
On the other hand the scattering of ships like the Kmdcn
and VON SPEE'S squadron, in order to destroy the enemy's
commerce has only led to one conclusion, and that has
been the bottom of the sea. All this is vexing, but it must
be endured, and an occasional success with a submarine,
though agreeable at the moment, does not substantially
alter it.
Finally, as to the Russian Fleet, how, I ask, can we be
expected to gain a victory over ships which hide themselves
away in the Baltic in so mean a manner, and show no
desire for the delight of battle? They have no conscious-
ness of the fact that war-ships were intended for warfare.
Your Majesty is good enough to impute blame to me.
Some part of this, 1 do not doubt, belongs to me. The rest,
as is right, I will pass on to poor old INGENOHL and to
Prince HENBY, and shall ask them to guess whence it
originally came.
I am Your Majesty's most humble VON TIRFITZ.
PUNCH, OH TIIK LONDON CHARIVARI.— JANUAUV 13, 1915.
THE BREAKING OF THE SPELL.
STEINBACIT, JANUARY 3, 1915.
, or, TIIK LONDON m.\i;iv AIM
STUDY OP A LADY
THING TO DO.
WHO, DUBINQ A ZEPPELIN 6CABE, HAS FLED TO THE CELLAB AND THINKS THAT, AFPER ALL, IT WAS A
COWARDLT
THE TOURIST.
Dear Chloe, how often iny cravings
To winter abroad I 'vo suppressed,
Well knowing my limited savings
Would last but a fortnight at best ;
In vain have the posters adjured ma
To sojourn in Monte or Koine,
In vain has Herr BAEDEKEB lured
me . . .
I have wintered at homa.
But now, half the " ads " I set eyes on
Suggest— and I jump at the chauca —
I should widen my mental horizon
By touring through Belgium and
France ;
They hint at abundance of shooting
With guns that areGovernmentmade,
Till Uio minor excitements of Tooting
Are cast in the shade.
Each tripper, it seems, will be guided
^ By leaders of courage and skill ;
Free bedding and board are provided;
Expenses are little, or nil;
A welcome delightfully hearty,
And sport that at least is unique,
Await evt'i-y man of the party. . . .
\Vo leave in a week.
are
Good - bye, then, old dear, for tha
winter;
Expect me in London by May
(Unless a stray bullet or splinter
Should lead to a trifling delay) ;
From rumours — of which there
plenty —
I gather the fun will begin
At Calais, whence, Deo volente,
We tramp to Berlin.
NEW METHODS OF FRICHTFULNESS.
[" Tho Siberians have refused to have their
beards out, saying that the'shagcjiness fright-
ens the Germans." No doubt the adaptable
enemy will not be behindhand in this method
of warfare.]
THE Frighten -em -to -Death's -Head
Hussars, in their brilliant charge yes-
terday, were greatly aided by the fact
that, before going into action, they had
burnt-corked their faces. Tho effect
upon the moral of the enemy was dis-
astrous, the terrified troops flying in
confusion.
The 1914 conscripts, who, as is well
known, have yet to go into action,
must not be supposed to be lying idle ;
they are being rendered irresistible by a
severe training in the use of the grimace,
which is likely to take the place of the
bayonet as a means of clearing enemy
trenches. Tho CROWN PRINCE himself
has frequently given instruction to
the troops, although, in the interests
of the men, it lias been found necessary
for the demonstrations to be carried on
through sheets of smoked glass.
KHUPPS have largely abandoned the
manufacture of big guns, and have now
laid down plant for the construction of
five million masks of a hideousness
without parallel. Samples tested by
the Black Pomeranians prove that any
one of these masks has the power to
drive n, force of a thousand men into
instant and complete insensibility.
With regard to the new crop reports,
it must be remembered that fields
hitherto intended for the growing of
wheat and barley have, under a new
order from the Imperial War Depart-
ment, been planted with roots for the
manufacture of the terrifying turnip-
ghosts now required by the German
army.
26
ITXCII, Oil TIIK LONDON CHARIVARI".
fjANUABY 13, l'Jl.5.
THE LAST LINE.
vi.
OUR uniform— or, if that is too mili-
tar\ u \\ord, our academical costume
is officially announced to ho " grey-
giwn," the colour of the sea at 7. -JO in
tin' morning, \vlicn you decide that you
liave forgotten your towel and had
better have a hot bath quietly at home.
I don't know how invisible we shall
bo as soldiers, but anchored off the
Maplin Sacds wo should deceive any-
body. Where are the Buoys of the Old
Brigade? Ah, where indeed ! Even as
marines we should have our value.
Luckily, we have been practising am-
phibious warfare for some time. The
camp is mostly under water, and when
the " Fall-in " is sounded we do it quite
easily. The " Emerge " is not so easily
obeyed. But there were drier days in
December, and on one of these I made
a curious discovery.
\Vt> were having a field-day, and my
side of the battle was advancing in
sections under shell-fire over fairly flat
country. Every now and then, how-
ever, we came to a small hill or group
of hills. There seemed to bo no
human reason for it, and I suggested
to my section that we were on the
track of some new kind of mole.
" No, " said James, " those are
bunkers."
We looked at each anxiously and
tapped our foreheads.
" It 's a golf-course," he persisted.
I could not allow dangerous talk of
this kind to go on.
" Silence in the ranks," I said sternly.
A little later, when we were halted,
an old, old man, the Nestor of the
section, asked if he might speak to me.
" Certainly, my lad," I said.
" I think lie du be right," he said,
indicating James; "I've heerd tell on
'uu. Great-great-grandfayther used to
play."
Another man said that he had seen
an old print of the game in a shop, but
he thought it was called Ludo.
And then, in a most curious way, I
had the sudden feeling that I myself
had played the game in some previous
existence — when I was a king in
Babylon, perhaps, and James was a
Christian caddie. It was most odd.
When we got hack to camp, I spoke to
him about it.
"On Boxing Day, James," I whis-
pered, "one might pursue one's re-
searches in this matter. I should like
to find out the truth about it. Wo
might meet at- -h'r'm! To the left,
to two paces, o\-tntd ! " I added this
loudly for the benefit of our platoon
commander who was parsing, and
James (who in ordinary life extends
two paces to the front) withdrew
slowly into the darkness.
I won't refer to what happened on
Boxing Day ; one does not talk about
these tilings. But I must tell you of
its unfortunate sequel.
Last week, in the course of a route-
march, wo were suddenly turned on to
distance-judging. I had never done
this before, and a remote and lonely
tree, half-hidden in the mist, conveyed
nothing dolinite to mo.
" What do you think ? " I asked
James.
" A drive and a mashie, about."
" S "sh," I said warningly. However,
I determined to act on the suggestion.
Remembering Boxing Day I allowed
eighty yards for James's drive, and
thirty-five for a mashie off tho socket.
Total, 115. It looked more, but the
mist was deceptive. However, when the
results were read out, the distance was
given as 385 yards, and James, if you
please, had said 350 !
Let us leave this painful subject and
turn to signalling. We are getting a
little more proficient. Every message
we send now starts properly with pre-
fix, service instructions, code time, and
so on, and the message itself gets in as
many hyphens, horizontal lines, frac-
tions and inverted commas as possible.
Here, for instance, is the beginning of
a thrilling message (sent to the Editor
of The Times') which I was receiving
last Sunday.
" Fore - warned being fore - armed
Lieut. /. SMITHSON, 21st Foot on
the Przemysl - lizcszow - Olkiisz road,
with £3 9s. lid. in his pocket (interest
on 5$% DE"BENTUBES at 97-
brokerago 'th) proceeded at 9.25 P.M.
to '
At this point the " Fall-in " sounded
and we had to stop. I never beard
what happened to Lieut. Smithson.
My own theory is that he murdered
Emma and put tho blame on Lt.-Col.
St. George, D. S. O., who only had.
three-and-a-half per cents, and had
never seen the girl before. Perhaps
I the matter will be cleared up when the
War is over.
But it was a sad blow to us to be
told in a lecture that same afternoon
that despatch-riding has proved to be
much more useful than signalling at
the Front. It had an immediate effect
on James, and tho advertisement in
The Times beginning " WANTKD TO
EXCHANGE a pair of blue-and-white
silk flags (new) for motor-bicycle," is
generally supposed to be his.
" And all tho time I "vo spent on
signalling has been wasted," he said
indignantly.
" Not wasted, James. Your silhouette
as you signalled an ' i ' has made many
a wet day bright. Anyway, it 'a no
excuse for not coming to bayonet drill.
That won't be wasted."
James made some absurd excuse
about wanting to improve his shooting
first.
" One is more independent with the
bayonet," I assured him. " The
Government doe.-:n't like us as it is,
and it's not going to waste much am- j
munition on us. But once yon 've tied
the carving-knife 011 to the end of your
umbrella, there you are."
" Well, I '11 think about it," said
James.
But I 1 ave heard since that he had
already attended one class; and that
in the middle of it James the solicitor
advised James the s Idier not to pro-
ceed further with the matter.
" Your time," said James the solici-
tor, " will he better spent 011 the range
— where you can lie down."
And James the soldier made it so.
A. A. M.
DIPLOMACY.
[Wliat would happen if we modelled
our business affairs on the Yellow
Book, Blue Book, White Book, Orange
Book and Grey Book]
1. From Alfred Midgely, Office Mana-
ger, to James Henry Bullivant
(Managing Director of Bullicanls,
Limited, Dry sailers), temporarily
abroad.
I hear from an absolutely trust-
worthy source that our town traveller,
Mr. Herbert Blenkins, is thinking of
giving notice. I have the honour to j
suggest that this merits the immediate (
attention of Your Excellency.
2. From J. II. B. to A. J/.
Blenkins cannot be allowed to leave
at this juncture. You should make
a demarche towards the Office Boy,
endeavour to ascertain from him
whether pourparlers might .not be
opened with the Senior Typist in the
direction of her using her influence
with the Book-keeper to learn whether
Blenkins' purpose is in the nature of
an ultimatum or a ballon d'essai.
3. From A.M. toJ.H.B.
Mr. Blenkins has presented his note.
I have the honour to enclose a copy.
The Office Boy is absent for a few days
attending the obsequies of his grand-
mother. I have telegraphed to his
home in tho sense of your despatch.
No reply has come, and I have the
honour to await Your Excellency's
further orders.
4. From J. H. B. to A. M.
It is imperative that there should be
no delay in this matter. You should
13, 1915.]
IM'NOII. Oil T1IK LONDON
!l Y.\i!l.
27
obtain the address of the office-boy's
grandfather, and call upon him to loarn
whether ho will agree to exert his
grandparontal influence in the direction
already outlined.
5. From J. II. Jl. to Uncle Edward,
Brother Theodore and Cousin Bob,
co-Directors.
I enclose copies of correspondence
relative to the Blenkins' crisis, which
is rapidly assuming a gravity which 1
cannot atl'ect to view with indifference.
I beg you to proceed immediately to
Midgely, and support his endeavours
with the united weight of your diplo-
matic abilities.
6. From A. N. to J. II. B.
I learn from a sure source that the
Office- Boy's grandmother has already
died three times. The grandfather is
alleged to he iion compos mentis. Mr.
Blenkins is mobilising his office papers.
This is highly significant.
7. From A. M. to J. H. B.
Further to my despatch of this
morning, I have the honour to report
that Mr. Itobert Bullivant suggests
that wo should offer Mr. Blenkins
another twenty pounds a year and
have done with it. Mr. Theodore
Buliivant is firmly opposed to any
diplomatic weakness at this juncture,
in view of possible demands from the
Book-keeper, whom we suspect of a
secret entente with Mr. Blenkins. Your
Excellency's uncle demands peace at
any price. Should I take the unprece-
dented step of making a direct approach
to Mr. Blenkins ?
8. From J. H. B. to A. M.
No. The resources of Diplomacy
must first be exhausted. In view of
the urgency of the crisis, I authorise
you to pass over the Office Boy and
open pourparlers with the Senior
Typist with a view to obtaining a mise
en clemeiire from Blenkins.
9. From A. M. to J. H. B.
The Senior Typist has met with a
reverse from an experimental hair-dye,
and will not be visible for a week.
10. FromJ.n.B.toA.M.
Approach the Book-keeper.
11. From A. M. to J. H. B.
I have the honour to surmise that
no definite purpose will be achieved
through the diplomatic channel of the
Book-keeper. He states that he pre-
fers to keep himself to himself. Mr.
Blenkins has already asked for his
office culls, and a final severance of
relations is imminent. I have not yet
handed him his cuffs, which I have
ventured to sequestrate on the ground
that they are spotted with our ink.
REVEILLE.
Sergeant. "Now, THEN, TURN OUT! Snow A LEO, YOU BI.ASKETY LANDLUBBEBS ! '
12. From J. H. B. to A. M.
Retain the cuffs pending diplomatic
action from Mr. Theodore.
13. From J. H. B. to Brother
Theodore.
I enclose copies of correspondence
relative to Blenkins' attempt to claim
possession of our ink-spots. If in your
opinion this constitutes a casus belli,
I beg you to approach him with
such menaces as are not inconsistent
with the continuance of diplomatic
relations.
14. From T. B. to J. H. B.
In view of the gravity of the crisis,
I have taken legal opinion. If the
cuffs were not only spotted with our
ink, but were also clipped with our
scissors, then they are ipso facto and
ad hoc to be considered as neutral
territory within the meaning of the
Statutes of International Office Law.
15. From J. H. B. to A. M.
You should immediately ascertain,
! through the proper channels, if and (or)
when and (or) how Blenkins clipped
the cuffs. In the meantime you will
convey to him that we should not be
disposed to view with indifference any
attempt on his part to violate the
frontiers of neutral territory.
16. From A. M. to J. II. B.
Blenkins has gone !
17. Chorus of the Diplomats.
The resources of Diplomacy we:c
strained to the uttermost.
LETTERS TO HAUPTMANN.
[GKitnAJtT H.-iai-Tii4XS, the German
dramatist and poet, has nominated
Lord CVRZOX as Viceroy of England
•when it becomes a German pnWMM.]
IF you 'd trample on the Briton
And secure his just abasement,
Well, I think you might have written
First to mo.
(Signed) ROGER CABKMKXT.
If only as a recompense
For my expenditure of jaw
And anti-British "common-sense,"
Why not yours truly,
BERNARD SHAW ?
Would you avoid a bad rebellion ?
The man for you is
CHARLES TREVELYAN.
Since all the Dublin Corporation
Protest against my resignation,
My long experience vice-regal
Might mollify the German eagle
If he should nest on College Green.
Yours amicably,
ABERDEEN.
Believe me, CURZON'S haughty hand
Would lie too heavy on the land ;
No, to appease the British Isles
Appoint yours truly,
WILLIAM BYLES.
I fear the freedom-loving British
Under Lord CUHZON might grow
skittish ;
Far better knit the nations twain
Under a more pacific reign :
For instance, BRUNNER'S ; he 's be-
yond
Reproach. Yours ever,
ALFKED MOND.
CURZON, I own, is not a noodle,
Bulrhis demeanour is too feudal ;
Try ALFRED MOND : he is a stunner,
Affectionately yours,
JOHN BRUNNER.
As I am still without a seat,
I'm not unwilling to compete
For any post in which there 's scope
To preach humanitarian hope.
You might, of course, secure else-
where
A smarter or a " faster " man,
But none in " uplift " could compare
With truly yours,
CHARLES MASTERMAN.
team) into the parting and proceeded
to secure the arrangement. The back
stud operated without comment, but
when I came to the front there seemed
to bo an inch or two of collar missing.
At first I looked at it with mild sur-
prise, then the horrible truth flashed
through me.
I dashed into Joe's room.
" Look here," I exclaimed," just look
at my neck ! "
Joo looked at it carefully for quite a
minute.
" Yes," she remarked, " I think there
is a tiny spot under the left ear. You've
been drilling too much. You've been
dressing too much to the left."
" No ! No ! " I shouted, tugging at
the collar, " can't you see how swollen
it is ? It 's that complaint you get from
drinking chalky water. It 's all your
fault ! I 'vo told you hundreds of times
to put a marble in the kettle."
Joe unfastened the collar, looked at
it and laughed.
I snatched it back.
Inside there was a brief summary :
" Alonzo. Fourfold. 14J."
I take 16.
" That," said Joe, pointing to Alonzo,
" must be the extra collar they sent
from the laundry last week."
It was. Alonzo was a gift — a dona-
tion. Sleek, youthful and unsullied, he
came to us, bringing an air of tragedy
into the home.
Three times during that week I tried
to soil his glossy coat, and each time
a golden minute was shorn from my
breakfast. After that I put him in the
sock drawer.
At the end of the first week I said to
Joe, "Alonzo is bored, the society ol
half-hose does not interest him. Henc
him home."
He was sent, and my wardrobe
settled itself peacefully.
On the following Monday I dippec
into the collar drawer, went througl
the usual rites, and No, it didn'^
really startle me. He had returned.
I put him in the sock drawer again.
Evidently he had plans of bis
own. One week at the laundry anc
ALONZO.
IT was a bright Monday morning in
September, and I was doing my usual
patter dance in the dressing - room,
striving to defeat the time-table — ten
minutes for breakfast and five minutes
to get to the station.
1 dipped hurriedly into the collar-
drawer, drew one forth, inverted it,
cast a tie (Wadham Wanderers, E.
one week at " Sunnyside," alternating
as it were, between taking the water;
and a rest cure.
I began to respect Alonzo, but at th<
same time I felt he must be shown tha
there is such a thing as authority. '.
put him in a cardboard box, addressei
it myself, posted it myself, and wrote t
the manager myself. You think tha
settled him ? You do not know Alonzo
He is made of sterner stuff than that.
At the end of the week he wa
back again, well and cheerful. Comin
of a resourceful and determined rat
wo tried other means — I forget ho\
iany — of outing him. Onco the
lanager took him away in a taxi and
nee our Ann consigned him to the
sh-pit.
It was no good. We had to give it
p. We adopted him. As I write,
.lonzo rests in his sock drawer,
lightly fatigued but indomitable.
JOHN SMITH TO JOHANN SCHMIDT.
thought you fellows over there,
Before this all begun,
Was queer in talk, but acted fair,
Vnd paid your way, and did your share
Of things as should be done.
You made a lot of trashy stuff,
And ate some. All the same,
You beat us some ways sure enough,
nd seemed like pals, though brought
up rough,
For which you weren't to blaino.
We reckoned when the trouble bust,
Hemom'bring what you'd been,
You 'd march to heel as you were
cussed,
And so you 'd fight because you must,
But still you 'd fight us clean.
3ut now you 've worked us murder-hot
With filthy tricks you 've played ;
And whether you were bid or not
" nought to us ; we hate the lot
What ordered or obeyed.
And so you 're not the pals we thought,
But foes, these rougher days ;
We 're out against you till you 're
brought
To book, your Chief and you, and taught
To drop your bullying ways.
hear the truth. Your lives is
poured
For reasons one and two :
EE draws his bright and shiny sword
To make him one and only Lord
Of all the world — and You.
And when your roofs is tumbling in,
Your heads is cracked and cooled,
You 11 think the glory middling thin
And hate the lying cheats like sin
To see how you 've been fooled.
By then it 's odds you feel inclined
To state the view you take
In words that 's not so sweet and kind
But what they 11 let them War-Lords
find
You 're suddenly awake.
Till then you 're heathen swine ! Get lit
To start and grow like men.
Turn round and do your level bit
Till brag and grab are past and quit,
And then we 11 pal again.
Motto for the Turkish Army in the
Caucasus : — " There ain't going to be
no Corps."
JANUARY 13, 191/3.]
1'UNCH, 01! TIIK LONDON CHARIVARI.
29
PATRIOTIC AIMS.
I'KTKK'S birthday is soon after Xmas,
too soon after for Peter's taste— and
mine.
" I want one or two good War
Games," I said to the attendant at the
toymonger's. " What have you got? '
"Several, Sir," she said. "Hoc ii
one, ' The North Sua Battle.' Made in
London."
She opened a box containing realistic
wooden models, in silhouette, of two
battleships, two cruisers and two des-
troyers correctly coloured ; a grey and
grim-looking breech-loading gun with
wooden projectiles, a gun embrasure
and a small rule labelled "one mile."
Every ship carried the White Ensign
and my heart warmed to them at sight.
"Tell me the worst at once," I said,
pulling out some loose silver.
" Two-and-eleven," she said.
" Sold in two places," I said ; " I mean
I '11 have two of them without reading
the rules."
"Here," she said, fingering another
box, " is the ' Siege of Berlin.' "
"Intelligent anticipation," I said,
"at any rate."
" Quite so," she said, " Made in
London, too, by the same people."
I liked the idea of besieging Berlin,
and when the open box disclosed a
Rathhaus, churches, bouses and other
buildings, and a breech - loading gun
similar to the one last before men-
tioned, to demolish the buildings with,
I forked out another tive-and-tenpence,
and became the possessor of two
" Sieges of Berlin."
I despatched one " Siege " and one
"North Sea Battle" to some Belgian
refugee children I know, and took the
others home to Peter.
We tried the sea-fight first, Peter
electing to play the part of Sir JOHN
JELLICOE. I took the gun behind the
embrasure and tried to prevent the
ships from reaching my cardboard fast-
ness by knocking them over en route.
I found that, every time I missed, the
whole Fleet was entitled to advance
one mile — in reality about six inches —
nearer my fort. The ships were pro-
vided with rockers and came up smiling
if not squarely bit.
Long before my allowance of shot
was expended, the British Fleet was
upon me, and I metaphorically hoisted
the white flag.
"Come," I said, as Peter set up the
Bathhaus and other buildings of Berlin,
"rny heart is in this. How do we play?"
" Three shots each," said Peter, " and
you score what 's marked on the back
of each building you knock down. I '11
go first."
DISILLUSIONED.
"I KNOW YOU'LL HATE TALKING ABOUT IT, BUT DO TELL ME HOW YOU GOT YOUR
WOUND."
" CHOPPING WOOD FOB THE OLD GIRL AT MY BILLET, MISS ! "
Peter's first shot was a miss. With his !
second lie brought down a house which
fell against a fort, knocking it over tco.
His third shot sailed harmlessly over!
the town and landed in the fender.
" How many ? " I said.
" Twenty," said Peter. " Not bad."
" Keep your eye on father," I said,
training the gun on the Bathhaus. I
managed to conceal my surprise when
the building fell at the first attempt.
" I shall knock you endways," I said. '
The second shot hit the fallen ]
Bathhaus, so I shifted the muzzle of the '
gun a little to the left. The buildings
seemed well bunched together at this
point.
It was a magnificent shot ; the pro- '
jectile skimmed past the church steeple '
as well-regulated shells should do,
without damaging it, and swept away
two buildings immediately behind it.
"That's some shooting," I said.
" How many am I ? "
" Nothing," said Peter.
" Look here, young man," I said,
"explain yourself. First the Bathhaus."
" That 's five," said Peter, " because
it 's so big and easy to hit."
I hadn't thought of that.
"Then there's this house — ten, "said
Peter.
" Come, we 're getting on," I said.
" That 's fifteen ; and now — this bigger
house."
" Minus fifteen," said Peter. " That 's
the Bed Cross Hospital. Oh, Daddy,
you Hun ! "
30
1'1'NCH, OR TILE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JANUARY 13, 1915.
NEW BRITISH EXPLOSIVE.
HORBOB OP GEBMAN GENEBAL STAFF ON BEADING THE FOLLOWING EXTRACT FBOM NOTES OP SPY WHO, DISGDISED AS A HIGHLANDER,
HAS BEEN LISTENING NEAR BRITISH LINES: — "WE GAVE 'EM WOT 4 NOT ."
"THE IMAGE OF WAR."
(Il is reported that a pack of hounds has been sent out to
our Army in France, and in this connection it is recalled
that the Duke of WELLINQTON had also a pack sent to him
from England for the amusement of his officers in the
Peninsula.)
So Jorrocks has said, and the captains sh»ll ride,
And a host of good fellows shall follow the fun,
With War, in its realness, a space put aside —
There 's a fox in the spinney that once held a Hun ;
There 's a southerly wind and a wet sky and soft ;
There 's a respite to snatch, death and ruin amid ;
Do not tongues in the woodland fling echoes aloft ?
Sounds the horn not as sweetly as ever it did ?
When the DUKE and his armies, a hundred years back,
Went Southward a courtlier foeman to seek,
High Leicestershire lent him a galloping packi
And his stiff-stocked brigades hunted two days a week •
Oh, Portugal's foxes ran stoutly and fast,
And our grandfathers pounded in scarlet and blue,
And they hunted each rogue to his finish at last,
And they hunted old BONEY to famed Waterloo !
When the soUier once more hears the horn's silver note
In hail of War's trumpets, the brazen and bold,
Will the heart of him turn, 'neath to-day's khaki 'coat
To dreams of past glories and battles of old ?
Torres Vedras's lines and brave SOULT'S grenadiers,
Badajos and the rest of that great long ago?
Will he follow the fifes of those wonderful years ?
Will he think of his fathers? I really don't know.
Nay, I fancy he won't ; but may-happen he '11 see
. In his mind's eye the Midlands go rolling away
In fair ridge and furrow, when steeple and tree
Are blurred in the mists of a mild winter's day ;
He '11 mark the gnarled pollards by Whissendine's brook,
The far meads of Ashwell, dim, peaceful and still,
Where the big grazing bullocks lift heads up to look
When the Cottesmore come streaming from Banks-
borough Hill.
Well, dreamer or no, may his fortune be good ;
May he find him delight in a hound and a horse
Kin to what he has found in a Leicestershire wood,
Like the best he has known in a Lincolnshire gorse !
May the Fates keep him safe, and show sport to his pack
Till he starts the great run that shall end at Berlin I
And when cubbing is o'er may the Shires see him back,
For the Lord send a Peace ere November comes in !
"Several houses are inundated in Brocas Street, including a
public-house, where drink can only be obtained at the back door
from punts." — Edinburgh Ereniny Dispatch.
Come where the drink is cheaper; come where the punts
hold more.
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON 'CHARIVARI.— JANUARY 13, 1915.
THE EUPHEMISTS.
RAISED. "I SAY, HOW ARE YOU GOING TO EXPLAIN AWAY THE SURRENDER OF
YOUR ARMY CORPS IN THE CAUCASUS?"
SULTAN OF TURKEY. "NOTHING SIMPLER. I SHALL SAY, 'OUR GALLANT TROOPS DETER-
MINED TO EMBARRASS THE ENEMY'S COMMISSARIAT, AND CARRIED OUT THEIR OBJECT
WITH OVERWHELMING SUCCESS."'
KAISER. "SPLENDID! COULDN'T HAVE PUT IT BETTER MYSELF."
SULTAN. "MY DEAR BOY, WE WERE IN THE BUSINESS AGES AND AGES BEFORE YOU
WERE THOUGHT OF."
JANUARY
PUNCH. 01! TIIH LONDON CMAIMVAIII.
THE SHIRKER'S WAR NEWS.
• THERE I WHAT DID I TELL von? NORTUDOWN LAMBS BEATEN — TWO TO NOTHING."
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
(EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OP TOBY, M.P.)
House of Lords, Wednesday, January
Gth. — Judging from public form, few
would imagine that Lord KITCHENER OF
KHARTOUM is a wag. Versatility in
this direction triumphantly vindicated
this afternoon. On approach to Christ-
mas, Ilouse of Commons, after excep-
tionally long and arduous Session,
adjourned till first weok in February.
That all very well for a frivolous mis-
cellaneous assemblage. Under vigorous
leadership of dominant opposition by
Lord Cuit/.ON, Peers resolved to set
example of higher devotion to public
interest. Eegardless of private con-
venience, arranged special sitting open-
ing to-day.
Procedure unprecedented. Not un-
usual for Commons to sit while Lords
make holiday. In long course of Par-
liamentary history contrary course un-
known.
Some embarrassment at first in face
of persistent questioning as to Why
and Wherefore. Last week oflicial
explanation forthcoming. Announce-
ment made that IIouso was summoned
primarily with intention of providing
SECRETARY OP STATE FOR WAR with
opportunity of making important state-
ment as to actual situation and imme-
diate prospects of the war.
This quite reasonable, indeed very
desirable. Country growing increas-
ingly impatient at being kept in the
. dark as to the progress of affairs in
I Flanders on the plea of military neces-
| sity for secretiveness. Now KITCHENER,
provided with exceptional opportunity,
would sweep away all clouds of doubt
and ignorance. Of course with duo
reticence in hearing of the enemy,
would take into his confidence the
common people who provide blood and
money for carrying on the gigantic
struggle.
In anticipation of this lifting of the
veil House crowded in measure reached
only at great political crises. As usual
on such occasions, side galleries flecked
with Peeresses. But what ominous
change in their appearance! The gay j
colours of other times are changed for ••
monotony of deepest mourning. Black
is the only wear.
K. of K. rose promptly on the stroke
of half-past four, when public business
is entered upon. Producing a bundle
of MS. he bent his head over it und
proceeded at the double to got through
it. Noble Lords behind him and on
back benches opposite found it difficult
to follow the story.
Gradually point of little joke dawned
upon them. Here were the benches
thronged with expectant Peers, and all
the world listening at the door for a
message. That all very natural. But
it was not an affair of K.'s initia-
tive or arrangement. He was expected
to make a speech, and it is a soldier's
duty to obey orders. But if any sup-
posed he was going to be more com-
municative than is the fashion estab-
lished under the rule of the Censor
they would find themselves sharply
undeceived.
Turning to survey the Western
theatre of the War, he remarked,
" During the month of December the
Allied Forces have made progress at
various points." Chilling silence fol-
lowing upon enunciation of this familiar
generality, he added, "The tide of
battle has ebbed and flowed with
varying success to either side." Facing
about to view the situation Eastward,
3i
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [JANUARY 13. 1915.
trouoes Perhaps no soldiers in the [ tuated mongoose-step movement may
troupes. —M. «pn«h thn new enemv. Please report
incomparable ! crush the new enemy
he informed noblo Lords that " in East
Prussia the situation has undergone
T_ 1. 1. « f^n 11
but little change.
In the Cau-
casus, the end of November [six weeks
world save our .
warriors, trained to withstand modern at once
German music, could have endured this
Before
(3) From Same as No. 1 :—
" Regret to convey further unfavour-
to our
Uio cnu OL iiuvuuiuoL L01-1 - .
agoj the Turkish Army -s ^ff^J^S a confused and able development ™ re^u „ uul
pushed back towards hi/eru ra L*ter, ( 1 ng w operations against the Jugglers' Corps,
the House heard with startled ama«- ^^^^^SeS^ng ! Having tempted a large body of these
ment^at-' On our owners on the » a™ ou not tho tod native ! into open country, some distance to
morning of December 10 c > . > ^ - o tot tl.o F Q{ fcrainod | tho rear of our odginal hnes I ordered
tie cnnsers b^mbardec] I o i hal f-a^om oha e b ^^ ^ haye ,>een
Hartlepool, Scarborough, and Whitby.
As to progress of recruiting, with
respect to which information was
looked forward to with exceptional in-
terest, he went so far as to say, " Re-
cruiting has procseded on
normal lines."
" The noble lord," said tho
LEADER OP THE OPPOSITION,
" amid a murmur of assent
from the dumbfounded Peers,
" has been very economical
in his information," a really
delicate way of stating the
fact.
Business done. — None.
Friday. — Lords adjourned.
INDIAN INTELLIGENCE.
Vid BERLIN.
THE following extracts
from official despatches ex-
changed between General von
Funkinstein and the German
Great General Staff have
been communicated to us by
a wholly impeachable author-
ity, and are published with
no reserve whatever : —
(1) From the General
Officer Commanding, &c. : —
"... with regard to vari-
ous recent regrettable inci-
dents in which sections of
the Imperial trenches have
been captured by native'
troops from British India 1
produced by this discovery, energetic
steps were at once taken to deal with
overwhelming force. The enemy was
at this stage entirely exposed to our
S113IJS VVCIO iliU \yilVyV-> UMMkui* w —~ O t . . ,j . .
the attack, and a brisk fire was opened ; fire, being without any possibility c
with hand grenades. The results were cover.
THE ENEMY IN OUR MIDST.
CULTCEED TEUTON TRAINING CARRIER PIGEON, WHEN OFF
DUTY, TO POSE AS A PARKOT.
(which, according to the German official
programme, ought to have been in re-
volt long since) some light has now
been cast upon the probable reason for
this. Used as we now are to the con-
tempt for every rule of civilized war-
fare displayed by our detestable and
cowardly adversary, this new revelation
of his cunning and brutality will never-
theless come as a shock.
" Aircraft observation has now made
it clear that the force immediately
opposed to tny command is not the
- Horse, as was believed, but a
picked body of the First Indian
Jugglers, specially recruited for this
campaign. On the occasion of the
last attack we werj startled about
however negligible, from the fact that
the reptiles, apparently mistaking the
hissing of the fuses for a challenge
from others of their own species, in-
stantly and savagely bit them off, thus
rendering the grenades ineffective.
Under these circumstances I had no
alternative but to evacuate my position,
a movement that was accomplished in
fair order and very creditable time,
myself leading . . ."
(2) Extract from copy of reply by
Chief of Great General Staff, Berlin :—
" I am commanded by H.I.M. to in-
form you that you must retake trenches
at once, regardless of loss. Reports of
scandalous breach of all civilised laws
forwarded to Presidents Geneva Con-
Unfortunately, just as we had
them at our mercy, a con-
certed movement by their
entire strength, known (I be-
lieve) as the Mango Trick, re-
sulted in .the appearance of a
dense grove of these trees, bo-
hind which the enemy is at
present effectually screened."
(4) From the same : —
" Our treacherous foe has
again escaped us. An heroic
attack by the bayonet upon
the Mango Grove mentioned
in previous despatch was
successful in capturing the
position, but only in time to
see the last unit of the de-
fending force vanishing up
a rope, which with a large
number of others was dan-
gling without visible attach-
ment. The effect of this
renewed failure upon the
moral of the Imperial army
has unfortunately been con-
siderable. I learn from my
agents that the enemy is
now bringing up a number
of heavy hypnotists for use
against me personally.
Please wire instructions."
(5) From the same as
(2):-
" Your resignation on the ground of
ill-health regretfully accepted. Return
5.30 A.M. by a prodigious and ear- vention and Hague Tribunal. Two
splitting noise proceeding from the ! reserve battalions of Guards leave Pots-
I trenches occupied by these troops — or I dam to-night. Hope that an accen-
at once."
"THE SEED OF THE WAR
IN UNIVERSITIES & SCHOOLS
DAN GERSOFFALSEE DUCATION."
Freeman's Journal.
But why suddenly break into Flemish ?
Routine order issued by the Q.M.G.'s
department : — •
"Fuel for general and other headquarter
offices and signalling offices with the troops,
is authorised at the scale of sixteen kilometres
of coal per fireplace per day.
Dec. 20th. B. E. F."
Theirs not to reason why. If the
order is " Ten miles of coal per fire-
place" then ten miles it is.
JANUARY 13, \\>ir,.\
ITXCII. oil TIIK LONDON CMAIMVAIM.
OH, MUMMY, WHAT A LOT OF PKNSIKS IT WILL TAKE TO FILL THAT DOG 1 '
OXYGEN EXEECISE.
Scsss. — A mud puddle in shire,
in which are discovered forty yeomen
in khaki lying on their backs and
flapping their legs like seals. They
inn not really seals, but men whom
their Ki\'d and country needs, doing
Itrealhiiuj exercises. The reason they
do not get up out of the puddle and
•walk a tc ay is that they would probably
be killed by the enormous troop
sergeant who is instructing them.
Troop Sergeant (fiercely). Now then.
Work at it. I 'm 'ere to do you a bit
of good, 1 am. Finest thing in the
world, this is. Some of you fellows
don't know a good tiling when you see
it. What is it that causes tubercky-
losis ? Why, want of hoxygen. That 's
what it is. Look at Sam Stevens —
middle-weight champion of the world
ho was. And what did he die of?
Why, drink. And what made him take
to drink ? Why, want of hoxygen.
That's what it was. If a man can't
breathe hoxygen he '11 drink it. How
many colls do you suppose you 'ave in
your lungs, Number Three?
Number Tlirce (inJutlini/ through the
mouth). Don't know, Sergeant.
Troop Sergeant. Why, fifty million.
Fifty million colls in your lungs you 've
got.
[Number Three, appalled at this revela-
tion, inhales briskly through the nose
in the hope of filling some of them.
Troop Sergeant. And how many do
you suppose you generally use ? Why,
not half of them. Twenty-five million
cells you 've got doing nothing.
[Number Three exhales despondently
through, the mouth, realising the
vanity of all human endeavour. T)ie
Troop Sergeant, satisfied that he has
disposed of Number Three, glares
contentedly at the troop in silence.
Troop (exhaling through the mouth).
F-s-s-s-s-h.
Troop Sergeant (with sudden emotion).
Look at your neck, Number Ten. I ask
you, look at the back of your neck.
[Number Ten, feeling that this is a diffi-
cult feat to perform at any time and
quite impossible when lying on his
back, continues to gaze upwards, con-
scious of insubordination.
Troop Sergeant. Why is it twisted
like that? A bone out of place, the
doctors will tell you. But (solemnly)
WHY is it out of place, I ask you ? Tell
mo that. Want of hoxygen — that's
what it is. It 's as plain as day.
{Enter Troop Ojjicer.
Troop Officer (explosively). A-tssh !
Code id by head, Sergeadt.
Troop Sergeant. Ah, Sir, it you was
to do these breathing exorcises you
wouldn't 'ave no colds, Sir. If every-
one was to do these exercises there
wouldn't be no doctors, Sir. It 's only
want of hoxygen that makes people ill.
There isn't a man in this troop 's 'ad a
cold since wo began, Sir.
Numbers Five, Seven and Nine (sur-
reptitiously). A-tissh !
[The Troop Sergeant is about to ignore
this breach o/ discipline when Number
Three, who Jias been trijing to repress
a sneeze while inhaling through the
nose and at the same time carrying
the legs to a vertical position above
the body, explodes violently.
Troop Sergeant (ominously). Number
Three !
Number Three (weakly). Yes, Sergeant.
Troop Sergeant. Have you got a cold ?
Number Three (ingratiatingly). Only
a very little one, Sergeant.
Troop Sergeant (appealing to Officer).
Isn't it enough to break one's 'eart, Sir?
'Ere am I trying to do them a bit o'
good and 'ere 's this man lies there
with his "ead tucked into 'is chest, and
doesn't even try to breathe. There's
only one thing that causes a cold.
Want of box A-tissh ! A-tissh !
[A painful silence ensues. The Officer
walks away, leaving the Sergeant to
his grief. The forty seals continue to
flap in the mud puddle in shire.
3G
ITXC!!, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JANUARY 13, 1915.
THE WATCH DOGS.
XI.
MY DEAH OHAIJLKS,-- When you have
witnessed a military inspection, have
tlio Great Man going round the
companies and have heard his few kind
words to the victims of his scrutiny, no
doubt \<,\\ have told yourself that a
soldier's life must he very smooth and
comfortable and his work &s easy as
kiss-my-hand. If further you assume,
from the clock-like regularity of the
parade, that we must all bo on very
good terms and intimate understanding
with each other, I feel bound to dis-
close the dismal facts.
The information that we were to be
inspected by our Great Man on the
Friday was handed to me, with the
soup, at Thursday's mess. I did not
appreciate its horrible significance and,
wondering why it should put the older
hands off their ration beef, I ate my
dinner in the usual manner, cracked a
jest or two with the slightly preoccupied
Adjutant and C.O., and later on strolled
clown to my company's billet to inform
them that they would be inspected on
the morrow. I supposed they would
say to each other, " Oh ! indeed," and
turn in to sleep; but I am credibly
informed that they had no bed that
night.
On the following morning I was
dumbfounded by their dazzling appear-
ance and could not help remarking that
here at last was the Perfect Thing. I
was just sufficiently soldierlike, how-
ever, to examine them with an icy
disdain before we set out. En route to
the rendezvous, I pictured to myself
the Great Man's delight at beholding
us, his superlative admiration expressed
in a voice choked with affectionate
emotion, and his final jocular farewell
to myself — "As for your company,
my dear Henry, it's marvellous."
I cannot record the actual event in all
its details, which were mostly bootlaces
and whiskers. The first I knew of the
trouble was a face so ominous as to
divert attention even from a splendid
uniform. Such was the look in the
inspecting eye that, had I been my own
master, 1 should have bowed as lowly
as to Allah, and said, "Your Highness,
I regret that urgent business at the Bank
compels the instant departure of myself
(with my company)," and we should
have been gone at the double before he
had gathered the gist of my remark.
As it was, I had to stand fast and
pretend that we were all very glad to
see him and hoped he would make a
long stay with us.
At about the third man he stopped
dead, very dead, and called my attention
to the fact that this private was all
whiskers and no boot-laces. What had
I to say to that? I might have said,
" So he is, Sir, now I come to look at
him. He should, of course, have been
all boot-laces and no whisker," or
merely, "Well, I never!" or, again,
with some truth, " As to his laces, Sir,
they were there a minute ago but have
just fallen out of his boots; and the
hair has all grown on his face while
you and I were saluting each other
just now." Instead I was mute by the
visitation of Heaven and we passed on,
to pause at No. 8, whose feet and face
also were by now all that they should
not be.
Again I was called upon for a speech
• — in vain. You will notice, Charles, that
Brigadiers and Colonels are poltroons
at these times ; they push the com-
pany-commander into the forefront
of the battle and skulk behind his
back.
The Great Man interrupted his exam-
ination to chat with his A.D.C., mainly,
I fancy, about whiskers and bootlaces.
Being also interested in the subject, I
took the opportunity to look along my
company and see (believe me or not, as
you please) the whiskers coming into
existence and the laces going out. . . .
I gathered later that things were much
the same with every company in the
brigade. The Brigadier gathered this
a'so, but at once and from the Great
Man.
That night the Brigadier sent for our
C.O. The next morning our C.O. sent
for us. In due sequence we sent for
our section-commanders, and what was
left of them, when we had finished,
went to interview the private. The
last-named, having no one to whom to
express his contempt, utter loathing
and devilish intentions for the future,
adopted the only alternative and took
the necessary action.
The news of a second inspection
reached me a week in advance, during
which I took no food because I was
left no time and had no appetite. It
was a gloomy period, which was relieved
only by two small incidents. The one
took place at the C.O.'s inspection, and
I will call it "The Private and the
Toothbrush." Asked why it was so
black, ho replied that he cleaned his
teeth with permanganate of potash,
thus defeating the little crowd inspect-
ing him, since none knew whether that
chemical could be used 'for cleaning
teeth and, if it could, whether it would
turn the brush black. The other I will
call "The Memo, of the Transport
Officer," who was so upset by what
was said to him that he " begged to
certify that he had that day purchased
3 new altars for his Transport service."
This was oflicially passed on to me to
cheer me up a little, and I am author-
ised to divulge it to you.
The week elapsed in a hurricane of
harsh oaths, and again I paraded my
company. Upon examination it now
appeared to me to be the most revolt-
ingly untidy and deficient sight I hail
ever seen, an opinion heartily endorsed
by the Adjutant, C.O. and Brigadier.
En route to the rendezvous this time
I pictured nothing to myself; I merely
shifted my service revolver to a position
from which I could more easily destroy
myself in an emergency .... And
when the Great Man approached ho
smiled at me, and no sooner had he
remarked to his A.D.C. that the buttons
and bayonets of the brigade did credit
to all concerned than those stolidly
dull buttons of mine brightened up and
bayonets grew where before there had
been empty and depressed scabbards.
I don't know exactly what the Great
Man said to the Brigadier, but expect
it was much the same as the C.O. said
to us and we to the section-commanders.
I doubt if the section-commanders said
anything nice to the private, but no
doubt the latter knew by instinct that
this was an occasion upon which he
might with impunity, but only once in
a way, step slightly aside from the
straight and narrow path. I guess,
my dear Charles, that it is only the
second inspection to which you, as
representing the ignorant public, are
invited.
The forty-eight hours' leave (by way
of reward or for convalescence) which
ensued I spent with my wife. With
feminine perversity she at once started
inspecting my moustache, one of the
most astonishing productions of these
astonishing times. " Say what you
please now," said I, quite imperturb-
able. " At the next inspection you '11
find yourself remarking that it is the
best disciplined and equipped moustache
you have ever seen." And so it is.
Yours ever, HENRY.
TO A GERMAN GEOGRAPHER.
IF mid your foolish change of names
Your ruler takes it ill
That, spoiling all his cherished aims,
Calais is Calais still,
Sir, there 's a name supremely pat
Lies ready to your hand ;
Call it, and let it rest at that,
The Never Never Land.
" There is a curious discrepancy in the
reports of the Kaiser's New Year message to
his forces that have reached London."
Irish Times.
The KAISEH has been misled. They
have not readied London.
JANUARY 13, 191o.]
1'UNCir, OR THE I/)NI)(>\ ( 'IIAIM VAI1I.
37
ACQUIRING POLISH.
A AS IN " CAR.
K LIKK FRENCH
1 SOMEWHAT I.IKK TIIF. " K " IN "SELF,"
WITH A VKBY INDISTINCT "M" OB
"N" FOLLOWINU IT.
V AND O LIKE "OO."
BZ AND Z LIKE THE FRENCH "j" IN
"JOUB," BUT AFTER " K," " P," "T."
OB AT THE END OF A WORD, LIKE " SH."
THEBE ABE FOUB SOUNDS SOMEWHAT
DIFFICULT TO FOBEIGNEKS I C, Si it N-
AS YOU WERE.
THE ACCENT INVARIABLY FALLS, ETC.-
THE CRANK'S COMPLAINT.
(On seeing Mr. HENRY NEWBOLT'S
name in the New Year's Honour List).
BECAUSE bis verses always aim,
With one unwearying design,
At adding lustre to the fame
Achieved by Britain on the brine ;
Because they fail to satisfy
The sex-besotted catechist —
It very nearly makes me cry
To see him in the Honour List.
Because he holds in high respect
The knightly courtesies of war,
Does not bow down to intellect,
And steeps himself in FHOISSART'S
lore ;
Because he bids us play the gamo
And not the super-egotist —
I do not care to see his name
Included in the Honour List.
Because he has not eulogized
The operas of RICHARD STRAUSS,
Or liberally recognized
KEIR HAUDIE'S courage in tho
House ;
Because he 's more an errant knight
Than Pacifist or Chauvinist —
I feel it is not fair or right
To put him in the Honour List.
Because he has not wreathed with
bays
The brow of good Sir WILLIAM
BYLES
Or lavished undiluted praise
Upon the food of EUSTACE MILES ;
Or urged that we should subsidize
The cult of the Theosophist —
It fills me with a sick surprise
To find him in the Honour List.
Because he hasn't written odes
In praise of NORMAN ANGELL'S
views,
Or aped the fashionable modes
Which modern versifiers use ;
Because he writes with much re-
straint
And is, in style, a Classicist —
It very nearly makes me faint
To see him in the Honour List.
In fine, while MASTERMAN — O Fi
For ASQUITH'S everlasting shame ! —
MACDONALD, CADBURY and I
Have each no handle to his name ;
While HANDEL BOOTH'S well-earned
O.M.
Is still conspicuously missed —
I can't sufficiently condemn
The framing of the Honour List.
Irony in the Tube.
After all the efforts and good nature
sometimes exercised in getting on to
the right platform in a Tube station, it
is quite nice to be faced by the follow-
ing bold announcement —
"THE BEST WAY TO SEE LONDON
IS FROM THE TOP OF A 'BUS."
Each word that follows is a stab at
your heated and gross imbecility : —
"YOU ENJOY FRKSH AIR. YOU SEE
THE LIFE OF THE TREES. YOU
PASS EVERY PLACE OF INTEREST."
Possibly the Tube will take its
revenge and post the following advert-
isement on the buses : —
" ONLY IDIOTS TRAVEL BY 'BUS.
THE TUBE IS FAR, FAR THE
BETTER METHOD OF TRANSIT."
Private -
-writes from the Front: —
" Dear Mother, I expected when I come to
France to hear the pheasants shouting the
mayonnaise, but you doiit."
" Reinforcements subsequently arrived, and
a squadron of dragons then courageously
attacked the enemy." — Westminster Gtuettc.
Thus heaping coals of tire on the head
of poor ST. GEORGE.
IT NCI I, OR THK LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JANUARY 13, 1915.
MY EWE LION.
I MUST confess that I was finding it
ruthcr {jailing to have no friends at all
at the Front. Everyone else was so
well furnished with theseacquaintances,
often actually relations. But 1 had
no one 1 knew, although gradually one
by one my clerks joined KlTCH«XBn's
Army and passed to various training
grounds, returning (in my opinion far
too often) to tlieoflico in their uniforms
to disturb the routine and waste the
time of the others. Some drilling and
instruction I am assured go on in
these camps, hut I see in London every
ii:i\ sufficient English soldiers to drive
twice the present number of Germans
out of Belgium — if they really meant it.
My point, however, is that for far
too long there was no one at the Front,
either living, dead or wounded, with
whom I could claim any intimacy, and
this is the kind of thing which does not
do a man any good on bis way to and
back from the City.
Everyone else in my morning and
evening trains has had friends at the
Front ever since we sent out our first
draft, and to me their talk about them
has been extremely galling. Some of
them have even had letters from them,
and these are either read or paraphrased
and have enormously sent up the stock
of the recipients. In fact several men
whom I know to be very shaky in busi-
ness, and others who have been rather
blown upon on account of their general
bounderish demeanour, have established
themselves in improved social positions
wholly through letters from the Fiont.
There are people, of course, who, not
having a soldier friend, would invent
one; but that is not my way. 1 would not
do that. For one thing, I should have
great difficulty in keeping it up. It
would mean studying the map, reading
all the reports and knowing more about
the army than I have time to learn.
Imagine then my delight and excite-
ment when I opened the evening paper
a clay or so ago, and found that the
hero of the dashing and perilous feat of
which everyone was talking, and which
resulted in thecaptureof manyGermans
and machine guns, was no other than
the son of my old friend Wargrave. I
had not seen Wargrave for some years,
but we met often once, and on my last
visit to him bis son had been home
from school, and I now remembered
how fine a lad 1 had thought him. He
had a fearless eye and a high spirit;
he was, in fact, the very stuff of which
bold warriors are made. There was no
doubt about his identity either, for a
personal par.igmph in the paper stated
who his father was.
1 was so pleased about it all that I
sat down at once and wrote a congratu-
latory note to Wargrave senior; and on
my way to the station I thought of
other things in connection with his
brave son which I might never have
called to mind but for this deed of
prowess : what a good appetite he had
had ; how he had climbed a tree for
cherries ; how lie had torn his clothes ;
and how tedious I had found his addic-
tion to what was called a water-pistol.
"Good old Clifford ! " — that was his
name. Lieut. Clifford Wargrave, I
said to myself, and my heart beat the
faster for haying known him.
That evening the only man that
I knew in my carriage coming borne
was Barrington, and naturally I said
something to him about the gallant
son of my old friend. Barrington is
not a man that I ever liked, and my
young people say contemptuous things
of his family as a whole. One of the
daughters, however, is rather pretty,
but I should not care to confess this at
my own table. It is as dangerous to
tell some girls about the prettiness of
others as to tell some people that they
look well. Anyway, since Barrington
was there, I mentioned to him that it
was gratifying to me to think that my
old friend'sson had become such a public
hero, and I recollected as I was talk-
ing, and mentioned too, certain further
incidents in the young fellow's boyhood.
We once bathed together in Cornwall,
I remembered, and I am not sure that
it was not I who taught him to swim.
At another time we had been on a pic-
nic and 1 had made him and his sister
laugh a good deal by my jokes — poor
simple things, no doubt, but tickling to
him. " And no doubt he is the same
simple fellow now," I said, " always
ready to laugh and be merry." I told
Barrington also about the cherries and
the torn clothes, and what a good
appetite he had ; and about the water-
pistol.
"Odd to think that that boy should
grow into a hero," I said. " How little
we can read the future ! "
" Yes, indeed," said Barrington.
I don't know why, but talking about
this young friend of long ago, now so
illustrious, to Barrington, made me
quite to like the man, and I even went
out of my way to accompany him to
his gate.
1 am wiser now. I now know that
it is a mistake ever to change one's
opinion of a man. And the extra-
ordinary pettiness of human nature !
the paltry little varieties of it ! the
straws it will clutch at to support its
self-esteem !
The next morning, owing to some
delay over breakfast, I was a little late
at the station and failed to get my
usual seat among my usual set. I
managed just to scramble into a carriage
and subsided into the far corner with
my paper well before my faco because
I did not want to be sociable in that
company. One has to be careful. Just
as the train started, in dashed Barring-
ton and took the only seat left — in fact
there was not really room for him. He
did not see me.
The train had not left the station
before one of the men remarked upon
the heroism of young Wargrave ; when
to my astonishment and annoyance
Barrington at once took him up.
" Ah ! yes," he said. " Such a fine
young fellow ; I always knew he would
do something like that."
"Then you know him?" he was
asked.
" Well, I don't say that I exactly
know him," he said, "but I used to
hear a lot about him from one of the
most intimate friends of the family."
And one by one he told all my little
anecdotes — trivial enough when in the
mouth of a stranger, but, coming from
one who knew, interesting and import-
ant. Will you believe it, Wargrave
lasted Barrington and his idiotic lis-
teners all the way to London — my
Wargrave, mind, not his at all! And
the way they listened ! I personally sat
hidden, and fumed but said nothing.
How could I suddenly claim Wargrave
as my own without being ridiculous?
Nor would they have believed me.
Besides, to put myself in competition
with Barrington ....
I managed to elude Barrington's
eye at the terminus, and sought my
office in a state of fury and contempt.
At lunch I was again baulked, for none
of my regular companions were there.
It was beginning to be ridiculous. 1
might as well have not known the
Wargraves at all.
That evening I was very carefully
early for my train, determined that I
would score then. My own set should
now know first-hand what my associa-
tion with the young hero was. After
all, what did those others matter?
But here again I had been forestalled.
" I met that man Barrington at
lunch," said one of my neighbours,
and he was most interesting about this
young Wargrave. Knew lots of things
about his boyhood. Often stayed there.
A ripping boy it seems he was. Really,
Barrington 's not such a bad chap when
you get to know him. 1 think we must
have him in our carriage now and
then. He was most modest about it."
"Did Barrington say that Lieut.
Wargrave was a friend of his?" I
asktd.
" Oh, yes. No doubt about it ; Bar-
rington taught him to swim."
,! AM' Alt V Hi. 1D1").;
I 'I NCI I. <>!,' TIIK LONDON CH.MM VAIM.
39
A GOOD STAYER.
Sergeant. " GAWN TAK BE UKI,I:I.VIT, AUK WE? WEEL, WK'BE NO GAWK. WE'VE BEEN HEBE THE BEST PAIKT o' A WEKK NOO, AND
WK'HK UP TAB A' THE DIB-RTY THICKS o' THAE GERMAN BECOABS, AND IP THEV PIT KEW VINE IK HEBE THEY'LL JUST MAK A BAB.:
MI ss o' IT I "
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)
Is not Come out To Play (CONSTABLE) a delightful title
for a story? And, believe me, not better than the story j
itself, which I should call, save for one defect, a perfect!
masterpiece iu miniature. To have done with blame, I will I
say at once that the defect is the end, which, to my thinking j
at least, seems both inartistic and cowardly. I can hardly j
explain my meaning more clearly without spoiling your
enjoyment. But I will hint that this tragedy of un-
fulfilled promise (for the book is a tragedy, though concealed
beneath a surface merriment) seemed too delicate for so
melodramatic a climax. Miss M. E. F. IIIWIN writes with
an ease and finish that is amazing. She has form, too,
and a quite unusual beauty of style that gives to her work
something that is very dilliculfc to analyse. The book is the
story of a boy called Truffles (which of course was not his
real name), a boy with a long white face and dark eyes
under heavy lids that gave him the look of Pierrot. Nothing
very special happens in his life. He has a genial spend-
thrift father, a prig of an elder brother, a rather jolly sister
and a host of admiring friends. And the lot of them drift
along in the artificial comedy of London existence in peace-
time, flirting and idling, working and loving, all a little
self-consciously; setting their emotions for the most part
to an accompaniment of popular comic songs, those vacuous
jingles whose light-hcartedness Time so quickly turns to
a wistful and poignant melancholy. You will gather that
the actual story is no great matter. It is the faintly
pathetic grace of the telling that makes this book one of
the very few to which the misused adjective " beautiful" can
honestly be applied. Perhaps in reading it you may be
reminded, as I was, of another modern novel, one that was
praised greatly in these pages and has leapt since to fame.
I name no names, because I am far indeed from charging
Miss IUWIN with imitation. The more present-day writers
who can display this same sensitive and compelling charm,
the better I shall be pleased.
The perfect children's-book must be one of the most
difficult things in the world to write. The qualities it
would demand are so varied and the dangers so many.
You must, for example, be just sentimental enough to obtain
sympathy, yet never so much as to invite suspicion of being
sloppy. There must be adventure for the adventurous,
colour for the romantic and magic for everybody. Frankly
I cannot say that Mr. H. DE VEUE STACPOOLE has achieved
the ideal ; but in Poppyland (LANE) he has certainly strung
together a number of stories that most children are sure to
like. 1 fancy their favourite will be " The Little Prince," a
story in which all the right things happen — beggar girls
turn out to be Countesses, and handsome Princes suffer a
strictly temporary decline into beggary — and all in an
agreeable Neapolitan setting, which, as the advertisements
say, " will appeal to children of larger growth." With his
fairies Mr. STACPOOLE is, to my thinking, a degree less
successful. The worst of tales about storks and magic
gardens and cripple-boys and the like is that, however
freshly you set forth, sooner or later you are sure to find
yourself in the foot-prints of the old wizard of Denmark.
If I had loved my HANS CHRISTIAN less, I should have
40
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. __JJASUABT 13. 1915.^
better appreciated certain tales in this collection that
inevitably recalled him. Still, the whole is pleasant enough.
1 wish I could say also that I liked the illusions hut,
with exceptions, these seemed to me both ugly and pre-
tentious. The best exception was one of the old stork, a
delightful piece of colour for the sake of which I can almos
forget some of the others.
Miss MACNAUGHTAN always writes very charmingly and
with plenty of humour, and in dedicating A Green hnglisli-
maii (SMITH, ELDKH) to » My Canadian friends " she must,
1 think be too unconscious of her powers, for this collection
of stories is far from being a valuable endorsement of the
flowery praises of the emigration bureaux. Very little
hope is held out to the young man of good family who
is a gentleman and something of a sportsman, and pro-
poses to pick up gold on the pavements or the prairies of
the West. I do not mean that the writer is ungenerous
either to the Dominion or to its people, hut she takes no
,ains to conceal the terror that lives with the beauty of its
ast spaces, aud she does not represent the struggle to
,, .• i — 1_. ii.:__ Perhaps the
SUBTLETIES OP GERMAN WARFARE.
INFLUENCING PUBLIC OPINION.
1 make good " as altogether a lovely thing,
most ambitious of these
ketches, certainly the
one which conforms most
icarly to the " short
story" model, describes!
he fate of a clergyman's
daughter who pays a
visit to Macredie, "some-
where on the C P. E.
ine," and marries a
ariner and land-specu-
ator, chietly because this
a her last chance of
marrying at all. The
lorror of the silence and
he snow, when her
husband leaves her to
face a Canadian winter
alone, because he has
business in England,
eventually drives her mad ; and though most of the stones
are in a lighter vein than this, and there is plenty of the
humorous sentiment in which Miss MACNAUGHTAN excels,
the moral that I draw from the book as a whole is, " Visit
Canada by all means, but, unless you are a Scotchman of
the very d"ogged«st type, don't stay there."
The hiding of lights under bushels may be all very well
in private life, but is misplaced in the hook-publishing
business. I thoroughly disapprove of the title and the
outside cover of the lion. Mrs. DOWDELL'S latest collection
of leisurely essays, Joking Apart (DUCKWORTH). The one
suggests a heart-to-heart talk on the things that matter
or else an outburst of boisterous farce, while the other is
merely dismal. The two together are enough to put the
public off a really gocd thing. Mrs. DOWDELL treats of
the domestic and social side of feminine life in that peculiar
vein of humour which is neither joking nor yet joking
apart ; her writing reminds me of those least- to-be-forgotten
evenings of my life when I have been lucky enough to
listen for hours to a real pucker conversationalist in the
best of spirits and at the top of his form. The words that
passed are forgotten ; it is even difficult to remember what
all the talk was about; but the recollection remains ol
having heard the truth of things for once, neither laughed
at nor wept over, but very brightly revealed. Of twenty
sphere in electioneering; as to tho thumb-nail illustrations
in tho margin, they show bad draughtsmanship, hut some
are delightfully apt. ^__
Mr LINCOLN COLCORD, writer of short stories of tho sea,
i-epuhlished under title The Game, of Life and Death
(M \CMILLAN), has taken no pains to conceal his adi
model. There surely never was, outside conscious parody,
so conspicuously derivative a method of handling similar
types and subjects. It was a hold thing to do. llo has
not CONRAD'S fastidious sense of words, nor his master y
suggestion of atmosphere, so much more felt than actually
expressed, nor his patient sure unravelling of motives ; and
in "The Voice of the Dead" he commits a piece of shocking
bad Wardour Street, of which by no conceivable lapse
could his master have been guilty. But there is a whifi of
the sea in his work; his types, if ciuder, have life, and he
often contrives some ingenious turn m the situation which
gives the story interest. The Game of Lije and Death—
which ends in a hand of poker played between Chinese
merchants and pirates, with two lives and much money and
gear for stake— is a good yarn, though it leans on the
— i inartistic unlikelihood of
a royal capping a straight
flush — which is piling it
I on too thick. The tale
of "The Moths" that
i haunted a man who took
them for the souls of
wronged women pro-
vides a sufficient thrill.
"De Long" is just the
kind of story of the
crooked cosmopolitan
ship-chandler that CON-
RAD would write, indeed
has written. Nichols, the
narrator of this and
others, is made after the
model of his reflective
skippers. And here the
challenge gets too near
'or Mr. COLCORD'S chances. Still the yarns go well with a
seasoned pipe ; and that is no mean recommendation.
The Honourable Percival (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) may
at least claim to have established a record in one respect.
I think I never met a full-sized novel with a more slender
plot. The Honourable Percival Hascombe, on a pleasure
tour in the Pacific, met Miss Roberta Doynton, and fell in
love with her. This, I give you my word, is all there is of
it. But, if you think that so slight a thread will be insuffi-
cient to hold your interest, you reckon without the canning
of ALICE HEGAN RICE, who has spun it. There are those of
us who worship Mrs. Wiggs of the Cabbage Patch. There are
also those who don't. But while regretfully classing myself
among the benighted to whom this Best Seller appealed in
vain, I hasten to add that 1 have nothing but gratitude for
The Honourable Percival. This record of a shipboard
romance is done with the daintiest art, delicate, tender,
humorous, and not (as is the fault with so many American
romances) overs weetened. The development of Percival
from a priggish misanthrope to a man and a lover is beau-
tifully told. Also a great part of the charm of tho tale
lies in its setting, a series of cinernascopic views of the
ports touched at by the S.S. Saluria, so vividly portrayed
that you will close the book with quite the feeling of the
returned traveller. One small but poignant surprise the
excellent chapters I much prefer the one about woman's ' ending has in store, which I will not spoil by anticipation.
JAM-AUV 20, r.>\~>.\
IM'NCII, Oil TIIK LONDON < "MAIM VAIM.
CHARIVARIA.
every point," wo read,
'the
"At
Allies havo made sensible progress."
So dilTeu'iit from the stupid progress
made very occasionally by the enemy!
\Vo havo baen askod to recommciiil
suitable Fiction for reading during the
War. Wo have no hesitation in calling
;i ' I cntion to the claims of the war news
from Amsterdam and Rome.
Tlio Prussian Govern-
ment has ordered that
there shall be no public
festivities on the occasicn
of tlio biithday of the
KAI8F.lt. This confirms
tlio rumour that His
MA.IESTV now \vishesthat
bo had not been bom.
By the way, to show ;
how far-reaching is the '
influence of a Prussian
command even to-day, no
public festivities will take
place on the occasion re- 1
forred to either in Bel- j
gium, France, Russia,
Japan, Serbia, Monte-
negro, or Great Britain.
Dr. DicuNiiURQ — and '
the expression is really '
not a bit too strong for
him — has been tolling an
American audience that
his countrymen really
"lovo the French and the
Belgians." At the risk
of appearing ungrateful,
however, our allies are
saying that the Germans
have such a subtle way
of showing their love
that they would rather
bo hated, please.
and it is being pointed out in Berlin
that wo are so hard up in the matter
of equipment for our army that bows
and arrows arc now being served out.
-.;-. *
The new corps which has just boon
formed with tlio title of the "Ju-.l it.su
Corps " has, we are informed, no con-
nection with the artistes who went to
the Front to give entertainments for
the troops. ... ...
;;
Both officers and men in certain
barb some wire for them in his spare
time.
Mr. Ki-:nt HAUUIE," sa\s a bulletin,
yesterday reported to bo grad-
ually improving." But wo are afraid
that this only refers to his health.
An Englishman had suddenly to exer-
cise all his tact the other day. He was
in Kensington Gardens with a Belgian
refugee. "What's that?" he
" Germany," says the
Cologne Gazette in an
article on the food question,
WILLIAM THE GALLANT.
THE KAISER, BY GIFTS OP BOSKS, HAS BEEN TRYING TO INGIIATIATK
HIMSELF WITH THE CtBAND DUCHESS OF LUXEMBOURG, WHOSE COUNTRY HE
HAS INVADED IN DEFIANCE OP TREATY OBLIGATIONS.
'has
still at hand a very large supply of
pigs." Even after the enormous num-
ber they have exported to Belgium.
^ ^
Meanwhile we are constantly assured
that the food question causes no
anxiety whatever in Germany. It
certainly does soem, judging by the lies
with which the Germans are fed, that
these wonderful people will be able to
swallow anything.
Lord ROSEDERY'S appointment as
Captain-General of the Royal Company
of Scottish Archers has not escaped
the notice of the alert German Press,
towns are beginning to complain of the
irksorneness of the constant salutes
that have to be given when they walk
abroad. Surely it should be possible
to invent some simple little contrivance
whereby a button is pressed and a
mechanical hand does the rest ?
Suggested name for a regiment of
Bantams — The Miniature Rifles.
:;: :;:
A peculiarly touching instance of
patriotism has been brought to our
notice. A London barber whose
measurements are too puny to allosv
of his being accepted as a recruit has
written to the War Ollico offering to
pointing to the Albert Memorial. The
Englishman explained.
" What, already a monu-
ment to our brave King! "
cried the Belgian as ho
embraced his friend. Tlio
Englishman, 'with admir-
able reticence, said no-
thing. 3 ,.
••:••
" A Turkish advance
guard," says a telegram,
" has occupied Tabriz."
Very plucky of him, and
his name ought to bo
published. Can it bo
dear old Turkish Reggie?
The Vorwiirts computes
that the War is costing
nine millions a day. Small
wonder if, in these hard
times, one or two coun-
tries look upon war as a
luxury which they ought
to try to get on without.
" As there is every
probability," we read,
"that the child popula-
tion of Kensington will
decline in the future
owing to the migration of
families to the outer sub-
urbs, the L.C.C. proposes
to meet the present de-
mand for a new school
by building a 'short-life
school,' one that will last
but twenty years." The
difficulty, of course, will be so to con-
struct it that it will collapse gently on
the last day of its twentieth year, and
the problem threatens to tax to the ut-
most the ingenuity of our jerry-builders.
During a " stormy scene " in Stirling
School Board, Councillor BARKER, ac-
cording to The Glasgow Evening Times,
" refused to withdraw, alleging that
Mr. Reid taunted him on the streets
as being an Alpine Purist." " Alpine
purist " is a term of abuse with which
Mr. Punch has never sullied his lips,
though once he nearly referred to a
very tedious bishop as a cis-Carpathian
pedagogue.
VOL. CXLVIII.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [JANUARY 20. 1915.
NOTICE.
The advertisement which appeared in our last week's
,ssue opposing the principle of the inoculation of soldiers
against typhoid, came in very late, and unfortunately its !
contents were not submitted to the Secretary, who was
merely told of the source from which it came- namely, tt
Anti- Vivisection Society. Mr. Punch is himself absolutely
in favour of inoculation against typhoid for the troops.
TO "GENERAL JANVIER."
("In the Spriug a young man's fancy . . .")
AT it, old warrior! do your worst!
Here's Fevrier coming, moist and blowy,
And any trench you leave for him
Not saturated to the biim
He will accommodate its thirst
As in the days of NOE.
But we, well-armed in every pore
Against the tricks you mean to try on,
Will stick it out through slush and slime,
And bide, as best we may, our time
Till General Mars begins to roar
Just like a British lion.
And ere his exit, like a lamb,
The sloppy mess shall all be tidied,
And (since I can't believe that K.
Has said that things won't move till May)
We shall step out, as SHEM and HAM
Did when the flood subsided.
Spring! Ah, to what a sanguine view
Thoughts of the vernal prinr e provoke us I
Yet never in my whole career
Can I recall a single year
When I so much looked forward to
The advent of the crocus.
For with the Spring, when youth is free
To execute its inward yearning,
Like to a lark (or other bird)
The soul of Thomas shall be stirred,
And to Berlin I hope to see
The young man's fancy turning. 0. S.
afternoon, and certainly should have done^so but for the
weather, which was very moist. If there 's one thing ]
hate more than dyspepsia it 's rheumatism. The next
Saturday was fine — fine for a Saturday, that is ; but a well-
meant gift of tickets for a matinee, which it would have
been churlish of me to refuse, robbed me of my prospective
enjoyment. However, Saturday of the week after was also
ine. Nothing stood in the way of my pleasurable tramp,
ind I determined to route-march home from the City.
I spent two hours in ill-concealed impatience — the marker
.old me ho had never seen me put up such a poor game
waiting to see if the weather would change. But as at
the expiration of that time it had apparently got stuck I
decided to risk it.
Softly humming to myself, "Here we are again,"
route-marched out of the hotel into Bishopsgate in line
style, and got on to a bus hound for the Bank (I did
ibis to save time). Arrived at the Bank I took another
to Blackfriars (I did this to save more time. 1
A FORCED MARCH.
Petherby recommended route-marching ; said he used to
suffer from sensations of repletion after heavy meals, just
as I did, but, after a series of Saturday afternoons spent in
route-marching through our picturesque hill country (Herne,
Brixton, Denmark and so forth), the distressing symptoms
completely vanished, and he now felt as right as a trivet.
I hadn't a ghost of a notion what a trivet was, nor yet
what degree of rectitude was expected of it ; but I never-
theless determined to try the route-march cure. Bismuth
and pepsin should henceforth be drugs in the market as fai
as I was concerned. The only doubt in my mind was
whether, technically speaking, I could perform a route-
march all by myself. Somehow I thought etiquette
demanded the presence of a band, or at any rate a dram ano
fife obbligato. But Petherby thought not, and declared il
would prove just as effective rendered as a solo. " Besides,'
he added, " if you want music to invigorate you, you can
whistle or hum. Moreover, you can switch the music on
or off at will."
I resolved to start the treatment the following Saturday
jus
,hought it would be nice to commence the march from
the Embankment). When I reached Blackfiiars I remem-
bered that all the big walks started from the political end,
so as I did not wish to assume any superiority which I
did not strictly possess I took the tram to Westminster.
There I alighted and was about to set off over Westminster
Bridge when it occurred to me that I hadn't had any tea.
To route-march on an empty stomach was, I felt sure, the
leight of folly. I therefore repaired to a tea-shop in the
vicinity, where I encountered young Pillungton. We dis-
cussed KITCHENER and crumpets, training and tea, the
KAISER and cake, and with a little adroitness I managed to
oring in the subject of the medicinal value of route-marching.
When I rose to go Pilkingtou inquired my destination.
" Norbury," I told him.
"That's lucky," he said; "I shall he able to give you
a lift in a taxi as far as Kennington."
In vain I expostulated with him, and urged that I was
route-marching, not route-cabbing. But he wouldn't listen.
" Anyhow," he concluded, " it 's most dangerous to march
just after a crumpet tea. Haven't you read your ' Infantry
Training ' ? "
The upshot of the matter was that we taxied to Kenning-
ton, where at last I managed to leave him. And then I
began to feel tired. True, I hadn't done any marching,
but it was none the less true that I felt as tired as if I
had. However, I succeeded in struggling on for about
fifty yards (to the tune of HANDEL'S Largo), and then I
boarded a tram. It had only proceeded a quarter-of-a-mile
or so when the current failed and we all had to get out.
I waited half-an-hour for a fresh batch of current to
arrive, but none, came, and I realised that my best course
would be to walk to Brixton Station and procure a cab.
Accordingly, to tho melody of " I don't expect to do it
again for months and months and months," I put my best
foot foremost. It was a moot point which of my two feet
merited this distinction; they both felt deplorably senile.
Then it began to rain — no mere niggardly sprinkling, but a
lavish week-end cataclysm. I reached the station in the
condition known to chemists as a saturated solution, only
to find that there was not a cab on the rank. I was there-
fore compelled to adopt the only means of transport left to
me — to route-march home ....
I ultimately staggered in at my gate at an advanced
hour of the evening to the strains of the opening bars of
TSCHAIKOWSKY'S Pathetic Symphony, whistled mentally.
I was far beyond making the actual physical effort.
That night I wrote a postcard to Petherby. It ran as
follows : — " Have just completed your course of treatment.
Am cured."
i-rxcn, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— JANUARY 20, 1915.
AN AWFUL WARNING.
AUSTRIA (TO RUMANIA). "NOW, BE CAREFUL! REMEMBER WHAT I DID TO SERBIA!1
JANUARY 20, 1915.]
ITN'CII, Oil Till-: LONDON < 'HAKI VA l!l.
45
Territorial (giving himself au-ay to proprietor of coal-Jteap). " COULD YOU LEND OB A BUCKET OF COAL UNTIL IT'S DABK?"
THE ORGANIST.
A MODERN PORTRAIT.
GRAVE and serene, though young at
heart,
" The Doctor," so his boys address him,
And rightly, since his healing art
Has made full many a mourner bless
him—-
For close on twenty years has served
An ancient church renowned in story,
And never in his teaching swerved
From studying God's greater glory.
His choir, like every singing school,
By turns angelic and demonic,
Arc quick to recognise a rule
That is both "dominant " and " tonic ;"
For contact with so rare a mind
lias seldom failed to spur and raise
them,
And when they shirk their needful grind
\Vith just rebuke he turns and flays
them.
Withal he knows that human boys
Are dulled by industry unending,
And unreservedly enjoys
Himself at seasons of unbending ;
A diet of perpetual Psalms
Is only fit for saints and Dantes,
And so he varies BACH and BRAHMS
With simple tunes and rousing
chanties.
His taste is catholic and sane ;
He does not treat as worthless lumber
All MENDELSSOHN, or SPOHB disdain,
Or let the works of HANDEL slumber;
He likes to keep Church music clear
From operatic frills and ribbons,
And never ceases to revere
TALLIS and PUKCELL, BYRD and
GIBBONS.
And thus he wisely neither aims
At showing off his erudition,
Nor for his choir and organ claims
A prima donna-like position ;
Ho sees no virtue in mere speed,
With sentiment he scorns to palter,
And gives his most especial heed
To the clear chanting of the Psalter.
He loves his organ far too well
To be o'er-lavish with its thunder,
Yet wields at will the magic spell
That moves our hearts to awe or
wonder ;
Three centuries have lent its keys
All that consoles, inspires, rejoices,
And with a calm consummate ease
He blends the new and ancient
voices.
And in these days when mothers mourn,
When joy is fled and faith is shaken, I
When age survives bereft, forlorn,
And youtli before its prime is taken, I
He draws from music's soul divine
A double magic, gently pleading
With grief its passion to resign
And happy warriors vanward speed-
ing.
The hurrying years their changes bring;
New-comers fill the singers' benches;
And many whom he taught to sing
To-day are fighting in the trenches ;
But howsoe'er their sun shall set,
They '11 face or glory or disaster
More nobly for the lifelong debt
They owe to their beloved master.
"On the other hand, the motor cycle rider
may consider the law of expediency. When
he confronts a motor car that insists on
taking more than one-half of the road, it is
up to him to stop and consider : ' Shall I
insist on my rightful half of the road, and
perhaps get injured, or shall I waive my right
and break my ueck? ' " — -Cape Argus.
Personally we wave our neck, and
brake with the right.
From a sale advert. : —
" OAK BEDSTEADS.
PILLOW CASES.
BREAKFAST SET
To match above for 6 persons."
However, it is generally considered
dangerous to breakfast more than live
in a bed.
1TNCMI, OR THE LONDON' CHARIVARI.
[.JANUARY 20, 1915.
THE RECRUITER.
MAOINCLKY is one of those men \vho
are always asking you to do things
for them, llo will send you cheerfully
on the top of a hus from the City to
Hammersmith to buy tobacco for him
sit a particular little shop, and if you
point out that lie could do it much
better in his own car, he says reproach-
fully that the car is only used for busi-
ness purposes. (If so, he must have a
good deal of business at Walton Heath.)
'• Isn't your cousin a doctor?" he'll
say. " I wonder if you 'd mind asking
him — And somehow you can't
refuse. He beams at you with such
confidencj through his glasses.
However, it was apparently to toll
me news that he came to see me the
other day.
" I 'in horribly busy," he said. "The
fact is I 'm going to enlist."
"They won't take you," I said.
" You're blind."
" Not so blind as you are."
"Put it that we're both blind, and
that our King and Country want
neither of us."
" Well, 1 'm not so sure. There are
lots of people with spectacles in the
Army."
"And lots of flies in amber," I said,
"but nobody seems to know how they
came there."
Then Madingley got to business.
His partner, who had enlisted in
August, had developed lung trouble
and had returned to civil life. Mading-
ley was now free to go. He had heard
from a friend that the 121st Eifles (a
Territorial Eegiment) had no conscien-
tious objections to spectacles. Would
I — (I thought it must be coming) —
would 1 go and find out for him ? He
gave me the address of their head-
quarters.
" You see I 'm so horribly busy, old
chap — clearing up at the office, and so
on."
Well, of course I had to. Mading-
ley's attitude of pained forgiveness, if
one refuses him anything, is more than
I can bear. After all, it didn't seem
very much to do.
1 began with the sentry outside.
"Can you tell ma " I said plea-
santly. He scowled and jerked his head
towards the door. I went in and tried
another man. " Can you tell me "
'. began. "Enlist?" he said. "Up-
stairs." I went upstairs and pushed
open a door. " Can you tell me "
1 said. "This is the canteen," answered
a man in an apron . . .
At last 1 found a sergeant. "Enlist?"
he said briskly. "Come in." I went in.
He leant against a table and I smiled
:if. him pleasant 1\.
" I just
" whether
wanted to ask," I said,
" Quite so," ho said, and gave me a
| long explanation of what my pay would
ho now that I had decided to join tho
Army. He began with tho one and a
penny of a private and was working up
towards the stipend of a Field Marshal
when I stopped him.
" One moment —
"Exactly," he said. "You're mar-
ried."
"Y — yes," 'I said. "At least, no,"
I added, thinking of Madingley.
" Surely you know ? " he asked in
surprise.
I remembered suddenly tho penalty
for a false declaration. It would bo
no good explaining afterwards that I
meant Madingley.
" Yes," I said. " Married."
He told me what my separation
allowance would be ... As a married
Field Marshal with three children it
came to
I decided to be firm.
" Er— I mustn't trouble you too
much," I said. " I really only wanted
to know if you take men with spec-
tacles."
" Depends how short-sighted you
are. Do you always wear them ? "
" No, but I ought to really." I made
a desperate effort to got Madingley
back into the conversation. " I really-
only came to find out for a "
" Ah, well, the best thing you can
do," said the sergeant, " is to pass the
medical examination first. You can sign
the papers afterwards. Come along."
I followed him meekly downstairs.
It was obviously not Madingley's after-
noon.
We plunged downstairs into what
was no doubt tho anti-Zeppelin cel-
lar. Through the gloom I saw dimly
two or three pink-and-white figures
waiting their turn to be thumped.
Down the throat of a man in the
middle of the room a doctor was trying
to climb. Mechanically I began to
undo my tie.
Tho sergeant spoke to one of the
doctors and then came back to me.
" It '11 save time if we do your sight
first," he said. " Stand over in this
corner."
I stood in the corner . . .
For a long time nothing happened.
" Well ? " said the sergeant :~
patiently.
"Well? "I said.
" Why don't you read?"
" What ? Have we begun ? " I asked
in surprise. I couldn't sec anything.
The medical officer came over to me
and in a friendly way put his hand
over my left eye. It didn't help much,
but I spotted where lie came from, and
mi-
gathered that the card must be in that
direction. Gradually it began to loom
through the blackness.
" Wait a moment," I said. I re-
moved bis hand and gazed keenly at
tho opposite wall. "That's a B,"
I announced proudly. " That top
one."
The doctor and the sergeant looked
at each other.
"It's no good," sighed the sergeant.
"He can't even read the first two
lines," groaned the doctor.
" It 's all very well for you two," I
broke in indignantly ; " one of you lives
down here and is used to it, and the
other knows the card by heart. I
haven't come to enlist for night opera-
tions only. Surely your regiment docs
things in the daylight sometimes? "
The doctor, only knowing about the
daylight by hearsay, looked blank ; the
sergeant repeated sadly, " Not even the
first two lines."
" Look here," I said, "lend me the
card to-night and I '11 come again to-
morrow. If it 's only two lines you
want, I think I can promise you them."
Tho doctor said mournfully that he
might lend me the card, but that in
that case it would be his painful duty
to put up a different card for me on the
next day.
There seemed to be nothing more to
say. I was about to go when a face
which I recognised emerged from the
gloom. It had a shirt underneath it
and then legs. The face began to grin
at me.
"Hallo," said a voice.
"Hallo, Eogers," I said; "you en-
listing? I thought you couldn't get
leave." Eogers is in the Civil Service,
and his work is supposed to be impor-
tant.
" Well, I haven't exactly got leave —
yet," he said awkwardly. "The fact
is, I just came here to ask about a
commission for a friend, and while I
was here I — er — suddenly decided to
risk it. You know Madingley, by the
way, don't you ? "
" I used to think so," I said.
But now I see that there is more in
Madingley than I thought. His job
in this war is simple — and exactly
suited to himself. By arrangement
with the War Office he sends likely
recruits to make enquiries for him —
and the sergeant does the rest.
A. A. M.
" S. C. — 1. Tho brussels-sprouts will do no
harm to the apple trees." — Morning Post.
All very well, but we know what these
Belgians are. As likely as not they
have been plotting for years with the
French beans to spring upon their
inoffensive neighbours.
.IAXI-AHY 20, 191.").:
IM'NCH, OR THE LONDON CIIAIMVAIM.
THE SACRIFICE.
S( MM; : At the " Plough and Horses."
" I UK mortal sorry for tliut poor
George — cut tip as ever I see a man at
thought of it."
" Tonderest-heartod fellow in these
'ero parts, and a true friend to all dumb
animals."
"She be more 'n an animal to 'im.
'Aving no chick nor cliild, you may say
n > sho's companioned 'im these many
months."
" 'E 'ave right to be proud of 'er too.
Never did I see a more 'andsome sow
— an' I 've seen a many."
" She 's been a right good sow to "e."
" An' now 'e bo nigh 'eart-broken
'long of these unnatural orders. For
stuck ev'ry blessed pig 'as got to be
should they Germans get anywheres
within ten miles of us."
" I see 'im now as 'o was when 'e
first got wind of it— fair struck all of a
'cap, 'e were. ' I ain't got no objection
to burning ricks,' 'e says, ' for ricks
ain't got 'uman ways to 'em, same as
my old sow. But kill my old sow,' 'e
says, ' that 's asking of me more 'n I
can do.' "
" 'Tajn't a question of asking, either.
Them 's our orders, set out in black
and white."
" Somebody says that to George —
and a cold-blooded word it seemed to
me, considering 'is depth o' trouble."
" What did the old chap say to that ? "
"'Orders?' 'e says; 'ain't this a free
country ? An' you come between me
an' my old sow with orders! " 'e says."
'"Military law,' I says to 'im my-
self, ' makes 'avoc o' freedom — so it do.
But with they Germans at your very
gates,' I says, ' freedom ain't the same
tiling as a clean pair of "eels. An' a
pig 's an awkward customer to drive
in an 'urry,' I says."
" Ain't to be done — not really brisk
like, any'ow."
" 'E seed that, o' course ? "
" Wouldn't say so, any way. An' the
names 'e called the Government, or
'ooever 'twas as 'anded round them
orders, fair surprised us all. Never
knew the old chap could lay 'is tongue
to the 'alf of it."
" If ever they Germans get 'ereabout
there '11 be trouble for the Government
about old George."
" 'E ain't got chick nor child, yer
see. A man can't got on without
something . . . Why, 'ere be George."
" Evening, George. You come right
in an' 'ave your pint, George."
" I earnt my pint to-day — so I 'ave.
Busiest day's work I done this side o'
my wife's passing away, poor soul."
" What you been doing, George? "
" She were a one to keep you busy
IN THE SEARCHLIGHT.
Mabel (trith a brotltfr in the Anti-aircraft Corps). "MOTHER, THEY THINK SUE'S
ZEPPELIN."
like. If she be really resting now
I reckon she be pretty miserable.
'Owever, that ain't neither 'ere nor
there."
" You tell us what you been up to,
George. We only been talking o' you
when in you walks as large as life."
"We been talking o' you an' these
'ere orders, George, an' we feels with
you to a man. If you should 'ave to
kill that fine sow o' yours along of a
lot o' 'ungry Germans 'twill be a mortal
shame."
" I shan't never kill 'er for no Ger-
mans, so I promises you."
"Then they'll do the killing their-
selves — they be dabsters at that."
" No Germans ain't going to kill my
sow. Nor I ain't going to kill 'er in
an 'urry to please nobody."
" You '11 get yourself in the wrong
box, George, if you don't mind."
" You be too venturesome, George—
at your old age."
" An' you a pensioner, too. Don't
do to be too venturesome when you 're
well stricken in years."
"I know what I be saying, though,
for all that. Don't do to wait till you
'ave to waste a good pig — all for
nothing like. Good money she be
worth, an' I says to myself, ' You 'ave
the money now, my boy, as the old sow
'11 fetch, before it be too late." My
old sow be pretty nigh pork by now,
up at butcher's."
•IS
IM'N'rll. OR T1IK LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JANUARY 20, 1'JJG.
THE INVASION.
BKTWKKN Mortimer and us yawns a
:, bridged by many flights of
stairs. Even on the illuminated board
ut the foot of the lowest stairs we still
kivp our distance, but with this
difference, that while Mortimer's posi-
tion in thr world is higher than mine,
on tlie board I stand above him by as
many names as there are stairs be-
t \\rcn us.
Mortimer first floated into my orbit
01:0 day when we both met in the
porter's lodge to complain about the
dustbin. Even after this I should have
gone contentedly down, to my grave
with no further knowledge of the man
than that ho had a wife and four
children. 1 knew that because I heard
him tell the porter so.
One evening after dinner— it seems
now many moons ago — Clara, our lady-
help, threw open the drawing-room
door and in startled tones announced
Mr. and Mrs. Mortimer. Prompt to
the word of command in they marched,
followed by the four youthful Morti-
mers. Each of these latter clutched a
sponge bag and an elusive bundle of
flannel, and in the background loomed
the Mortimer maid-of-all-work.
Mortimer l:egan to talk immediately
and said that of course we had seen the
\\ar Office order that on the first
sound of guns all Londoners were to
make for the cellars. Mrs. Mortimer
was certain she had heard firing and
that the Xeppelin raid had begun, so,
like good citizens, the family had
hastened to comply with the regula-
tions.
" \Ve shan't put you to any incon-
venience," said Mortimer volubly. "The
children can curl np in the spare room
and my wife and 1 will do with a shake-
down in the passage. In time of war
one must be prepared for discomfort.
Think of the poor fellows in the
trenches."
Here Mrs. Mortimer murmured some-
thing inarticulate.
" Oh, yes, of course," Mortimer as-
sented, " Emma must be made comfort-
able."
All this time my wife and I had not
been able to say a word, Mortimer's
plausibility and the spectacle of the
four little Mortimers and their sponge-
bags having robbed us of speech and
thought. Jane was the first to find her
voice, and managed to gasp out that
we had heard no guns.
" You wouldn't, of course, in the — er
— down here," said Mortimer. I was
glad to notice him hesitate this time
over the word "cellar" as applied to
our artistic home.
" 1 know exactly what you are think-
ing," he went on kindly ; " it is embar-
rassing to discuss household arrange-
ments in public," and with a flourish
of his arm, he marshalled his family
and swept them out of the room, care-
fully shutting the door behind him.
Jane and I ga/.ed awestruck at each
other.
" We can't turn them away," said
my wife. " Those live pairs of eyes
would haunt mo all night (Mortimer's
and Emma's were, I presume, the ones
omitted), and if the Zeppelins did come
to-night how awful we should feel."
" Wo must be firm about it being
only for to-night, then," I said. " We
must consider Kate." (Kate is our
cat.)
So it was arranged that we should
give up our room and that Emma
should share with Clara. I found the
Mortimer family sitting in a crowded
row on the antique bench in the hall,
like players at dumb-crambo waiting
for the word. Briefly I told them it
was "stay." They all jumped up;
Mortimer shook me cordially by the
hand, and I believe Mrs. Mortimer
kissed my wife.
True to the compact the refugees
departed next morning, and we saw the
last little Mortimer disappear upwards
with unmixed relief. They were all
back again, however, the following
evening, this time encumbered with
more articles towards " camping out."
The expression was Mortimer's, not
mine.
On the fourth evening Mortimer took
me aside and told me confidentially
that he could see this state of things
was telling on us as much as on them,
and that he thought the best plan wculd
be for our two households to " chum
together" while the Zeppelin menace
lasted. (What fool said the war was
going to last three years?) Novel-
waiting for a reply, Mortimer went on
to say that it really would not be so
much trouble as it seemed at the first
shock. He and I would be out all day,
which would even up the numbors, and
Emma would, of course, help. I much
resented being estimated as equal to
three-and-a-half Mortimers and had no
delusions about Emma's helpfulness,
but Mortimer's volubility had its usual
stupefying effect. He carried the
motion to his own satisfaction, and
my wife told me that I behaved like
an idiot.
We stood three days of this lunatic
menage. Every evening on returning
from office I found more alien belongings
blocking up my home. Mortimer boots
strewed the scullery, their coats smoth-
ered the hat-stand, their toothbrushes
filled the bathroom. Clara is a noble-
hearted girl, but there was menace in
her glance, and my wife was ageing
before my eyes. Kate too had left us.
On the third evening when I came
home I found a note sticking in the
hall clothes-brush. " Meet me in the
pantry," it said. I flow to the rendez-
vous, where Jane received me with her
linger on her lip. Dragging mo in,
she managed with difficulty to close
the door — our pantry is what you
might call bijou — and, leaning against
the sink, she unburdened her mind.
" I have an idea," she hissed. " Over-
come by superior numbers, we must
evacuate the position. Better one
Zeppelin once than six Mortimers for
ever. Let us take possession of their
flat, as they have of ours."
It was a masterly and superb idea,
worthy of the brain from which it
sprang. We hastened to impart it to
the Mortimers, who were sitting over
the drawing-room fire reading my even-
ing paper. They were much touched.
Mortimer said he should never forgive
himself if we were killed by bombs,
and Mrs. Mortimer said it made all
the difference our not having children.
We have now been settled for some
time in Mortimer's flat, and in many
ways prefer it to our own; in fact we
shall be quite content to remain here
as long as Mortimer continues to pay
the rent. We found Kate already in-
stalled. The sagacious animal evidently
adds prophetic instinct to her other
gifts. When she makes a decided move
downstairs we shall prepare for hostile
aircraft.
DEPOETMENT FOB WOMEN.
BY ONE OF THEM.
SISTERS, when fashion first decreed
To our devoted sex
That beauty must be broken-kneed
And spinal cords convex ;
When sheathlike skirts without a crease
Were potent to attract,
Those were the piping times of pc;ue
When everybody slacked.
But, since the menace of " The Day "
Has commandeered the Nut,
Since demi-saison modes display
A military cut,
It 's up to us to do our bit
Each time we take the road,
For, if we wear a warlike kit,
The mien must match the mode.
What ! would you set a " forage cap "
Upon a drooping brow ?
The feet that used to mince and tap
Must stride with vigour now ;
No longer rrrast a plastic crouch
Debilitate the knees ;
We've finished with the " Slinkcr
Slouch ; "
Heads up, girls, if you pleaso !
JANUARY 20, 11)1. ri.|
PUNCH, OK Tin-; LONDON rn.\i;iv.\i;i.
•19
PEOPLE WE SHOULD LIKE TO SEE INTERNED.
'You HEALLY MUST DINK WITH L'8 ON SATURDAY. I SHALL HAVE A COUPLE OP THE DINKIEST LITTLE WOUNDED SUBS TO SHOW YOU."
THE SAD CASE OF SEBASTIAN PILNINC.
A SUMMER MEMORY.
I REMOVED my face hurriedly from a
large tumbler of iced never-mind-what.
"Good heavens, Henry!" 1 cried,
"you don't mean to say you've been
weeding the grass ! "
"It wasn't my own idea," ho pleaded ;
" it was Sonia who put me up to it.
She said that now Baby was beginning
to notice tilings it was quite time some-
thing was done to the lawn — don't
snort, wo always call it the lawn at
home — or he would grow up to think
badly of his father. I had a shot at it
yesterday, but there 's a good bit more
to do. Look here," he continued,
brightening, " drop round to-morrow
and let Sonia find you a chisel or some-
tiling. It's not bad fun really. All
the excitement of the chase and no
danger to life or limb."
" Not for worlds," I replied solemnly.
" You jest at the dangers of weeding, but
I have seen something of the misery it
involves. Listen, 1 am going to tell
you a story.
" Once upon a time I chanced to know
a man called Pilning, Sebastian Pilning.
Like you, he was blessed with a young
wife and the beginning of a family ;
like you, he was a quiet, unambitious
fellow of simple tastes. Moreover, he
was incredibly stubborn. One idle
spring morning he sauntered out into
his back garden to smoke a pipe, and it
chanced that for the h'rst time in his
life he took a good look at his— yes, he
called it a lawn too. I need not tell
you what he saw there. It was liko
most lawns, four blades of grass and
the rest one vast expanse of weeds.
For a moment ho was staggered.
" And then the little devil that lies
in wait for men who go out to look
at their back-gardens whispered in his
ear, ' You 've nothing to do, Pilning,
why not have a few of these weeds
out ? ' It was his first temptation, and
he fell.
" All that day he toiled at bis lawn,
and by the evening there was a patch
about three feet square that looked like
a fragment of a ploughed field. On
this he sprinkled grass seed and fortified
it with wire entanglements to keep out
the birds. The next morning he was
at it again, and so he continued for
three whole weeks. At the end of that
time the disease had taken a linn hold
of him. He had managed to clear most
of his plot, but only the finest; grass
would satisfy him now ; he had begun
I to root up the coarser quality and the
blades that didn't seem to him to be
'quite the right shade. He worked in-
( cessautly, and his wife had to bring his
; meals out to him. He even attempted
| to sleep out there in a hammock, so
that he could start the lirst thing in
the morning. He had an idea that the
, weeds would be rooted up more readily
if he could catch them asleep. But it
rained the first night ho tried, and that
put him off, because he knew that if
iiis health broke down the dandelions
would get the upper hand. He became
so strange at last that one day his wife
sent round and begged me to come and
see him."
" Did you tell him one of your
stories ? " asked Henry.
" I found him in the garden on his
knees stabbing at a plantain with a
corkscrew. He had marked the whole
place out in squares like a chess-hoard,
each square representing a day's work
and a pound of grass seed sown. The
word had been passed round that free
meals were going at Pilning's, and
every sparrow in the district was there.
They seemed to appreciate the system
PUNCH, oil TIIK LONDON CHARIVARI
.IAXUARY 20, 1915.
Vicar. "Now, CUILDBEN, WE ABC TO LOVE OUB ENEMIES. THAT ISN'T EASY, is IT?'
Small Boy. "No, SIB."
Vicar. "\VELL, now ABE WE TO^DO IT?" (Dead silence.)
Vicar. "Yns, WE MUST LOVE EVEN THE GERMANS. How ABE WE TO DO THAT?"
Small Boy. "BY GIVINQ 'EM WOT 'a GOOD FOB 'EM, SIB."
of wire entanglements ; it showed them
where to look for seeds.
" I could see at a glance that Pilning
was in a bad way. Ho spoke cheerfully
enough, but there was a nasty look in
his eyes. I tried to lead him off gradu-
ally to safer topics by interesting him
in the less perilous delights of flower-
growing. I asked after his gerania
and spoke with admiration of his aspi-
distra and his jasponyx. . '. ."
"Rot!" said Henry. "That's a
mineral."
" Sorry — my fault. It 's such a jolly
word, and I didn't think you'd know-
any better. . . . But it was all in
vain; he would talk of nothing but
grass and weeds. I tried to comfort
his wife as 1 left, but my heart was
very heavy. That night, Henry, the
blow fell! They managed to lure
Pilning in to dinner when it got dusk,
hut his mind was wandering a lot.
Finally he broke down completely, and
made a desperate assault with a tooth-
pick on the baby's scalp. His wife
fetched one of the neighbours to sit on
his head while she went for the doctor ;
but it was too late. His -reason had
become utterly unhinged. There was
nothing for it but to put him away in
a home, and there he has remained for
five long years.
" Only last week I went to ask how
he was, and the doctor said there was
no change, but that he was quite harm-
less. I was shown into a little room
where he lived, and there I saw him on
the floor talking and laughing to him-
self. But he took no notice of mo when
I spoke to him. They told me he was
quite happy and would spend hours a
day like that at his work."
" What sort of work ? " asked Henry.
" The last time I saw poor Pilning,"
I replied sadly, " he was squatting on
the carpet and trying to jab the pattern
out with a fork."
It is reported that owing to the over-
production of mittens and the conse-
quent slump in this article, one London
firm of manufacturers has no fewer
than 100,000 pairs on its hands.
THE LANGUAGE OF WAR.
(Being a selection from answers to a
General Knowledge paper.)
A kukri is a suit which our soldiers
wear.
Kukri is pastry-making.
Kukri is a place where the Germans'
food is boiled.
Uhlan is a short name for the Willes-
den Uhlan District Council.
A Censor is swung about to incense
people.
Przcmysl is an acid.
A levy is when a man dies his wife
gets some money to bery him.
Levy is a man who gets money for
the German army.
Howitzer is a smell that comes out
of a shell when fired.
" Quo of the famous but least visited lakes
of Sicily is Guarda, with its southern end in
the plains of Italy, and its northern far into
Austrian territory."
East Anylian Daily Times.
We should describe "Guarda" briefly
as " some lake."
I'l-XCH. OK TIIK LONDON CIIARIVAIU. J.ixfAi.v 20, 1910.
THE WHITEWASHERS.
KATSEK. "LAY IT ON, MY WORTHY PEOFESSOES— LAY IT ON THICK! I WANT EYEEY
DEOP OP IT."
JANUARY 20, \<)\~>.\
i-r NCI I. on TIIK LONDON CIIAIMVAIM.
53
THE OPPORTUNIST IN THE THAMES VALLEY.
MR. CHABBE AUGMENTS HIS STOCK-IN-TRADE.
A TERRITORIAL IN INDIA.
r-
MY DEAR Mr. Punch, — We take j
special pride in the fact that wo were !
the very first Territorials ever to land
in India. As our battalion swung
through tho streets of Bombay before
the critical eyes of the assembled
natives, this knowledge enabled us to
piv-crvo an ;iir of dignity despite the i
rakish angle of our unaccustomed
topees. When you first march at I
attention with a rifle and a very large
helmet you discover that the only pos- \
siblo position for the latter is well over i
tho right ear. Later on you realise
that this is a mistake, like most of the
discoveries made during tho first few
da\s' residence in India.
On that memorable day, of which
our battalion poet has written —
" 0 day of pride and perspiration,
When, 'scaping from the dreary sea,
We maivhfd full blithely to our station
And tilled ourselves with eggs and tea — "
we wore eight hundred strong, having
spent thirty-two days in a transport
and passed through all the salutary
trials of inoculation, vaccination and
starvation with considerable eclat.
Now, alas ! we are decimated. Deci-
mated, did I say ? Far, far worse than
that. We are practically wiped out.
No, there has not been a second
Mutiny, concealed by the newspapers.
We have not perished of malaria. Nor
have we been eaten by white ants,
liven tho last - named would be a
glorious, an inspiring end compared
with the fate which has overtaken us.
You remember how, many years ago,
you used to sit with your infantile
tongue protruding from the left-hand
corner of your mouth and write in a
fair round hand, " The pen is mightier
than the stronl." At that time you
disbelieved it. But you were wrong.
It is true, sadly true.
A few days after our arrival wo were
reviewed by the G.O.C. In eloquent
words he told us that we were not in
India for garrison work, but to be
trained speedily for the Front, to be
fitted to play our part on the great
battlefields of Europe. Inspiring
visions of military glory rose before us.
Later in the day they began to evapo-
rate. They have been evaporating ever
since.
Owing to the departure of the Expe-
ditionary Forces there has been a great
shortage of soldier clerks in India, and
the luckless Territorials who had the
misfortune to arrive iirst have been
called upon to fill the vacancies. Ich-
abod.
When the announcement that clerks
were required was made to us my
i blood ran suddenly cold. I remem-
bered how, centuries ago, when in
camp on Salisbury Plain, I had been
requested to till up a form giving,
j among other particulars, my occupa-
, tion, and light-heartedly and truthfully
:I had written "Clerk." It is a great
! mistake to be truthful in the Army.
, How I wished I had described myself
as an agricultural labourer. Or a
taxidermist — surely there is no demand
for taxidermists in tho Indian Aimy.
In a vain attempt to remedy the
mistake I preserved a stony silence
1 when wo were asked who had had
: clerical experience, who could do type-
I writing, who possessed a knowledge of
shorthand. With a single lift of my
right eyebrow I disclaimed all acquaint-
ance with ollice stools. With a faint
pucker of the brows I made myself
appear to be wondering where I had
once heard that word typewriter. But
my fatal incriminating declaration was
too great a handicap.
By threes and fours our brave fellows
melted away. They went as clerks ;
j they went as typists ; they went as
telephone operators ; they went as
PUNCH,
OB
TIIK LONDON CIIAKIVAKI.
[JANUARY 20, 1915.
I
telegraphists. To the Battalion Or- i clays old, having bean duly headed,
derly Room tliey went ; to tlio Brigade ' numbered, summarised and indexed.
Hiud.juarters Office; to the Etnbaro- 1 The clark to whom it is handed thinks
it advisable to wire a reply, so he
thought, writes at the foot, " Wire So-and-so,
arose telling him this-and-that ? " initials it
and sends it to the Chief. The Chief
writes, " Yes, please," initials it and
sends it back. The clerk then drafts
the actual telegram, initials the draft
ation
Then came a lull, and
after all, I had escaped. I
happily at 5.30 A.M. I did many
various and strenuous fatigues. I
swept the barrack lloor singing and
peeled potatoes with a joyful heart.
1 polished my equipment incessantly , and sends it to the Chief, who, if ho
and greased my mess tin with the , approves, initials it and sends it back.
•. tost care. In short, I was rapidly j The draft is next handed to a second
becoming a soldier, clerk, who, after duo consideration,
And 1 obtained leave and went into types two copies and initials them.
the town, where I saw much that 'These are taken to the Chief, who
cheered me while the clerks
were at their labours. I read
a sign in a restaurant win-
dow, "Breakfast, tiffin, tea,
dinner and all kinds of per-
fumery." I saw six coolies
running along a main street
with a grand piano balanced
on their heads. I was very
happy while it lasted.
And then the blow fell.
We h'ad thought that surely
every possible office had been
filled with clerks, but we were ;
wrong as usual. As I was
going to bed one night there
came a peremptory order that
1 was to be at the Divisional
Staff Office, four miles away,
sharp at eight o'clock next
morning.
In conformity with my in-
structions 1 went forth next
morning to take up my new
j and peaceful avocation in
I full inarching order, with
rifle, side-arm and twenty
rounds of ball ammunition.
Being a soldier clerk in
India is 'very different from
being a civilian clerk in
England. Here I work
shift - sleeves, khaki
and puttees, pausing occasionally to
brush off the ants which crawl afl'ec-
OVERHEARD EVERYWHERE.
give
" How are yours getting on ? "
" Oh, all right."
" How many rooms do you
them ? "
" A sitting-room and two bedrooms."
" I wish we could. We have no spare
sitting-room. They have meals with
you, I suppose? "
" Lunch and dinner, yes."
" Do they know any English ? *
" Devil a word."
" Do you know any French ? "
" Precious little. But Norah does —
some. I say, what does 'chin-
chin ' mean?"
"'Chin-chin'? Isn't that
what some fellows say before
they drink ? "
" Well, it can't bo that.
Madame says it at intervals
all the time her husband is
talking."
" Oh, you mean ' Tiens,
tiens,' don't you ? "
"Perhaps. What does it
mean, anyway? "
" It 's just an exclamation
like 'Really' or 'Just think
of that!"
"Thank Heaven I know!
You 've taken a terrible load
off rny mind."
" Do they eat much ? "
"Well, 1 'should call their
appetites healthy."
" Same with ours. But it 's
all right. I shouldn't mind
if they ate twice as much."
ii.
British Tommy (returning to trench in which Jte 7ias lately been
fighting, now temporarily occupied by the enemy). " EXCUSE ME
shorts 1 Z^Y_.0iYOC_BLICiHTEns SEEN MY PIPE?"
n
signs them and sends them back One
, copy is filed and the other goes to a
wately over my knees. At home— ; third clerk, who enters it verbatim into
well, I can imagine the Chief's face if ! a book and has the book initialled by
a clerk (or an ant) ventured into his clerk No. 1, after checking. Then
office with bare knees.
Also the methods adopted here are
not like our impetuous English ways.
Gyrations are
leisured dignity
carried out with a
befitting the imrne-
a telegram for
inorial East. Take
example. At homo the Chief says
rapidly, "Send a wire to So-and-so
telling him this-and-that." A harassed
clerk snatches of! the telephone -re-
ceiver, and in two minutes the message
is dictated to the post-office and the
incident is closed.
Not so hare. A document
comes
an
uu-
it
goes to a fourth clerk, who numbers it,
makes a precis in another book, and
hands it, with explanations, to a patli
wallah, who takes it outside to
orderly, who conveys it (with
hasting dignity) to the post-office.
More of this, if you can bear it, in
my next. Yours ever,
ONE OF THE PCNCB BlilGADE.
"BEHIND THE GREAT WESTERN
BATTLE LINE."
Daily Chronidc.
Wo always thought the Great Western
Records Department three cl^edTobe tS Hdiday Line.
"Do yours do anything?"
" Monsieur is an artist.
Madame mends lace beauti-
fully."
"What does he paint?"
" Well, he hasn't painted
anything yet, but he says he 's ; n
artist. He looks like one. He goes
to the National Gallery."
" Why don't you ask him to paint
one of the children ? "
"My dear, they're terrified of him!
They won't come into the room."
in.
" Are you having an easy time with
yours ? "
" Moderate. Only Jack behaves so
badly. After every meal Monsieur
always begins a long speech about
their indebtedness to us and all the
rest of it, and Jack will walk out in the
middle."
" What do you talk about ? "
"Well, for the most part about the
terrible privations before they got away.
JANUARY 20, 1D15.!
PCNCII, Oil THK LONDON CILMM VAIfL
55
THE POLITICAL TRUCE.
Little Boy. "HAVE THE GERMANS KILLED MR. LLOYD GEOB&E, MA?'
Mother. "Or COOBSE NOT, DEAR. WHY DO YOU ASK?"
Boy. "WELL, I HAVEK'T IIEABD NUFFIN 'BOUT HIM LATELY."
But now and then tlioy will tell risqut
stories. More than risque — really
shocking. Jack does his best to get
them off it, but he never succeeds.
They seem to think we expect it."
" Oh, ours aren't a bit like that.
The trouble with ours is that they hate
going out. They sit tight indoors from
morning to night."
" Can't you lure them out ? "
" Well, I tell them what a won-
derful place the British Museum is ;
but it's no use."
IV.
"Every evening during dinner Ma-
dame tells us how she walked from
Louvain. Poor creature, she 's not
slender, and she had to walk mile after
mile for eight hours. It must have
been dreadful. But she won't remember
that we 've heard it all before. Every-
thing reminds her of it. \Ve 're terrified
to speak, Andrew and I, for fear some
little tiny word will suggest walking
from Louvain, and it always does. . . .
Poor thing, though ! "
Naval Notes.
A correspondent asks us what exactly
are the duties of the marines. We
have not space to give him an exhaus-
tive account of the work of these handy
men, but we can indicate their affec-
tionate nature by the following cutting
from The Liverpool Echo: —
"One notable case in which a decoration
was bjstowed was of ayoun^; stimuli, who at
tremendous risk to himself, freed a submarine
from a marine which had bocomo attached to
it off Heligoland."
Casual meetings off Heligoland are
responsible for many such romances.
Our correspondent's" further enquiries
about the duties of the destroyer and
the torpedo we will let two other con-
temporaries answer : —
"Fourteen Roumanian destroyers from the
Austro-Hungarian army arrived at Sinaia,
Roumania, having crossed the Transylvanian
Mountains on foot." — Bombay Chronicle.
"Newspapers state that a French torpedo
entered Dunkirk on Friday and i
having rammed and sunk a German sub-
marine 00 Westende."
Indian Daily Tdcyrapli.
In advertisement matters it is some-
times asserted that the right use of
type is the great thing. It is, however,
a relief to the writer that a certain an-
nouncement with an ironic suggestion
of reckless benevolence has now been
removed from most of the hostelnes.
Yet it afforded instruction as to ring-
ing the changes upon the sizes of
typo :—
OUR
CHRISTMAS CLUB HAS Co.MMF.NCED.
PAY WHAT YOU LIKF-.
HAVE WHAT YOU PLEASE.
TO THE VALUE OF YOl'R MOM:V.
"Thoro arc complaints concerning tho
housing of the now Armies which, although
now partly rectified, would bo the better for
further ventilation." — Times.
In sending us this cutting, our soldier
correspondent writes : — " Further ven-
tilation be blowed. I 've had to shove
the rest of the blessed paper in the
cracks, as it is."
I'UNUI. OR T1IK LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JANUARY 20, 1915.
THE ENTERTAINERS.
I KEEL that I am entitled to speak with perfect freedom
of the entertainment lately Riven in our parish hall, for,
except as a spectator and as contributing several of the
performers to the programme, without myself knowing
anything about it beyond what rumour and the unwonted
bustling mystery of the household brought to my know-
ledge— except, as I say, in these points, I had nothing to
do with it. The whole tiling was managed by an informal
committee of ladies, acting on the discovery that the School
Children's Meals Fund was at its last gasp, and required
replenishment in order to carry it on through the ensuing
year. Upon that the informal committee got to work and
held several meetings. Now the methods of a committee
of ladies differ from those of men. The ladies meet to-
gether in drawing-rooms and, so far as a casual observer
can judge, they discuss every subject except the particular
one for which they have been summoned. Then comes the
moment when they intimate to one another that they must
go, and they arise and draw slowly and reluctantly out
from the drawing-room through the hall to the front-door
step. Then, but never till then, just as they are about to
go away, they suddenly remember what they came for, and
in another five minutes the whole business is settled, and
they stream away with the consciousness of work satisfac-
torily done. It is an unceremonious method, but a highly
efficient one if judged by its results. In this particular
case it produced a delightful entertainment, which I may
describe as being by the children, for the children and of
the children, as well as of the elders who gathered together
to applaud the zeal and skill of the little performers.
Fortunately the appointed day was fine and there was a
great rush of spectators, who soon filled the hall to its
utmost capacity. The entertainment began with a tribute
to patriotism in the shape of tableaux vivants, all save one
selected from the storehouse of our kind old friend Mr.
Punch's cartoons. There, brilliantly and magnificently
accoutred, was seen Britannia setting out to war for friend-
ship and honour. There again we beheld brave little
Belgium defying the German bully, and Holland succouring
the refugees, and Belgium consoled by Liberty, and a final
picture of Liberty blessing the Allies. All these were
admirably represented, the immobility of the performers
being not less remarkable than the splendour of their
equipment; and enthusiasm was still further stimulated by
the singing of the anthems of the various allied nations.
The performance proceeded, and the intermezzi had been
briskly taken; the harp had spent its last liquid notes;
"Caller Herrin'" had been delightfully sung, and four tiny
girls (combined height somi twelve feet) had charmed us
with the pretty innocence of their flower carol. Also a
dramatic version of "The Holly Tree Inn" had been played
in a fashion that DICKENS would not have disapproved.
Now there was a murmur of expectation among the audience '
soon the crystal-clear strains of " He shall feed His flock "
sounded through the room, and as they lingered and died
awuy the curtain rose for the masque, " The Holy Night."
At the back of the stage was a lowly shed, its closed door
guarded by two angelic figures clothed in pure white
draperies and with wings that sparkled with a silver sheen
Sigh above, to the left of the shed, a third angel soared
and these three watched and waited, intent and motionless'
• hands crossed over their breasts. In front of them
lay three shepherds, and amongst them frisked a white and
ttlo lamb (Douglas, the Vicar's son), and further
to the left we recognised little Kit Price as a raven in sleek
satin, and our John only partially disguised as a
oured and effective cock, strutting and flapping
and pecking and scraping to his heart's content, and
admitted to the cast in spite of the stage directions, which
declare that " if any little boy have very fat legs he shall
not play the part of the cock." lie made such amends as
were possible by the extreme vividness and energy of the
beak with which he kept the raven in order. At the back
of the scene there were vague indications of the presence of
an ox and an ass. It had been intended to represent them
in a lifelike fashion by two heads ; but these, though
ordered, had failed to arrive, being cut off on their way by
floods.
Now the shepherds burst into song, and when that was
over the cock flapped his wings and crew, and the raven
cawed, and the lamb ba-a-ed, and the uncompleted ox and
ass made noises after their kind, and there was a lively
hustle everywhere, except where the angels watched and
waited with their hands crossed and their shining wings
at rest. The shepherds began to gossip as shepherds, 1
suppose, have gossiped ever since the care of sheep began.
One told how his grandam said, on the authority of a
wise woman, that on the night Messias is born all the
beasts shall speak. Another doubted whether this would
hap in our time. Nothing, he thought, would hap save
these"heavy taxings ; but the other reminded him that it
had been a good year for sheep. But suddenly, as the
shepherds chatted, the three angels, invisible to the shep-
herds, raised each a warning hand and bent forward and
whispered, " Hush-sh ! " and an awe-struck silence fell
upon the scene. Something great and wonderful had
happened, but what was it, and how would it be revealed?
Thereupon the cock, Happing his wings, did not crow, but
cried out, " Christus natus est ! Christ is born ! " and the
raven, instead of cawing, called " Quando ? When ? " and
the ass in a loud voice answered, "Ilac node! This night!"
and the ox said " Ubi ? Where ? " and the lamb stood up
and bleated "Be-e-ethlehem." Oh, then was heard a
swelling sound of great exultation, and above the shed
the dark and starry skies were opened and drawn away
to each side, and there were disclosed angels raised up and
standing in a long row, their bright wings folded and pointing
upward, while they declared the gloiy of the Lord. And
next the two guarding angels folded back the door of the
shed, and there were seen MARY and JOSEPH, " and betwixt
them two" — I quote from the directions — " the Holy Child
lieth on a tuft of straw in a little box which shall be called
the Manger," while two diminutive angels knelt, one at
each side of the open door. No more beautiful and gracious
picture could be imagined. Thus might some old Italian
master have painted it, but this had, not colour alone and
simplicity, but life and song and jubilation and perfect
harmony of movement so natural as to seem unstudied.
Then the shepherds did obeisance and the Wise Men,
MELCHIOR, CASPAR and BALTHASAE, came and offered their
gifts, and, last, after preparations had been made for
departure into Egypt, the whole company sang together
the glorious and triumphant " Adcste, Fideles," and the
curtain drew down and the beautiful masque was over.
There was no applause — only a universal sigh of content-
ment and admiration.
" Rudyard Kipling's 'The Camelion's Hump' was very well
recited by the whole school, every word being very clearly pro-
nounced, and an encore was called for but not acceded to."
Times of Natal.
All the same there seems to have been one word which
he reporter missed.
From a speech as reported in The, Morning Post: —
"It took the Canadian continent 17 to 19 days to come 3,000 miles."
This shows what faith in the British cause will do.
JANUAHY 20, 1915.]
ITNCII, Oil THE LONDON (MIAIMX A III.
German Sentry. "WHO GOES THERE?"
Turk. "A FRIEND — CURSE YOU ! "
THE ERROR.
IT was 011 Monday, January 11, 1915.
He had been reading The Daily Mail
and suddenly he banged it down. " You
can't believe what you see in the
papers," he said.
" Since when '! " I asked.
" I suppose always," he said, " but
particularly to-day."
He was a nice young soldier on his
way hack to his camp after a holiday,
and I guessed him, before he enlisted
in KITCHKNEK'S army, to have been a
provincial clerk or a salesman of some
kind.
" Yes," he said ; " and I know some-
one else who '11 say the same when she
sees it."
"Sees what?" I asked.
He found a paragraph in the paper
— towards the foot of the Society col-
umn— and placed his thumb on it.
" This," he said.
" Mayn't I see? " I asked.
He kopt his thumb there.
" Yes, and her mother will have some-
thing to say to it too," he went on,
"and" —ho chuckled richly — " my
mother too. The idea ! "
" Mayn't I see it? " I asked again.
" As if nobody in this world mattered
but toffs," he said. " Perhaps they did
once ; but they 're not going to for ever,
I can tell you."
" You 're a Socialist ? " I suggested.
" No, I "m not," he said. " 1 don't
hold with Socialism. But I 'm sure
after this war "s over toffs aren't going
to bo quite everything that they were
before it began.
"The cheek of it!" he continued,
with another glance at the paper.
" Lutnme, I 'd like to be there when
she lets herself go ! "
" Your mother? " I said.
" No, I didn't mean her just then ;
but she "d be all right to listen to, too.
She can't half speak her mind ! No.
I meant my nancy. I 've just left her;
been there for Sunday."
" Have you been engaged long ? " I
asked.
He laughed. "No," he said. "That's
the point. We only got engaged this
year. I 'd courted her a long time,
but it wasn't till New Year's day that
we fixed it up."
" I congratulate you," I said, " and
her too. I think she 's lucky to have a
soldier for her husband. 1 hope you're
both very happy."
" Happy ! " he said ; '• I should think
wo were. That 's what makes me
so disgusted with this paper. Look
at it."
At last he removed his thumb and
showed me a paragraph beginning with
the words, "The first interesting en-
gagement of the New Year is that
between Captain Dudley Hornby and
Lady Marjorie Feilding."
" The ' first ' ! " he said scornfully.
" The ' first ' ! She and her mother on
that," he chuckled, " and my mother
to help them ! (We live close by). My,
I wish I could be there to hear it.
Give it me back, please ; I must mark
it and post it. What a time they'll
have ! "
I would like to be there too.
" A few days ago a military concert was
given [at Antwerp], but upon the band strik-
ing up the tune of • Hcil dir i m Siegertcrang '
the people hooted. They were thereupon
charged by the police, and since that occasion
mitrailleuses have been posted in front of the
German musicians."
Glasgow Evening Times.
In this matter our sympathies are with
the audience, because (1) It was surely
entitled to hoot a band which did not
know the name of its own National
Anthem ; (2) The police should not
have been allowed to make any charge
at a free concert.
1M NC1I, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JANUARY 20, 1915.
THE BALLYMURKY CONTINGENT.
" I TOWLD you liow the Do? thor's
\Y;ir speech sent iv'ry man from Bally-
murky to the war," said old Martin
My to mo. "But did I not tell
you how the Widely O'Grady por-
-•d Terence Connelly to join them ?
"I did not? Well, well. It all came
out tho very day the boys wero
leaving Ballymurky. Seventeen of them
there were no less, and the Docthor
there reviewing them this way and that
way till ho had you bewildered with
the inthricacies of them.
" ' 'Tis an uneven number you are,' sez
he, 'however I look at you,' sez be.
" ' Maybe you '11 join us, Mrs.
Murphy? ' sez he ; ' 'twill not be the first
time you 'vo worn the trousios, good
luck to you,' sez he. ' Och have done
wid your banther, Docthor dear,' sez
she ; ' there 'a plenty of them that
wears them regler,' sez she, ' in other
parts,' sez she. ' You '11 not be looking
for men in petticoats in Ballymurky,'
sez she.
"Sure 'tis a good thing wars come
only once in a while," said old Martin ;
"and me there comfortin' Mrs. Doolan.
' lie '11 come back to you when the
war is over, Mrs. Doolan,' sez I; ' niver
fear,' sez I.
" ' I know he will,' sez she, wipin' her
eyes wid her apron. 'He's not aisy
lost, trust him for that. 'Tis no luck I
have at all, at all,' sez she.
" They went by the express thrain,
so they did," continued old Martin,
and went on to explain that very few ex-
press trains passed through Ballymurky
without stopping. " Sure isn't it a
terminus?" said he. "Och but 'twas
the fine band they had to play them to
the station. Be the way Doolan bate
the big dhrum you 'd think 'twas the
KAISEU'S head he was at.
" ' Go aisy with her, Doolan,' said the
Docthor; 'you're drowning Patsy's
runs on the thrombone,' said he.
" 'Twas the beautiful music Patsy was
discoursin' on that same thrombone.
Lie had the way of it— none betther.
'Twas a gift wid him.
"Tho band— Patsy and Doolan—
headed the procession playing 'Erin-
gp-bragh' — at laste Patsy was. And
didn't lie shtop playing in the middle
of the third verse ?
"'What the divvle d'you think
you 're playing, Doolan ? ' sez he.
"Arrah, gwan out o' that,' soz
Doolan, bating the big dhrum. ' 'Tis
all one to me what 1 play this day,'
sez he. 'Gwan you wid your throm-
bone,' sez he, ' and lave me extemporise
on the big dhrum. 'Tis a free counthry
annyway,' sez he.
1 'Twas at Micky's shebeen that they
had tho first encounthor wid the inimy,"
said old Martin. " Sure the whole com-
pany began to trimble.
" ' 'Tis dying with the thirst on me
I am,' sez Sliemus ; ' you could shtrike
a match on me tongue,' sez he.
" 'Arrah, go aisy, Docthor dear," sez
Larry ; ' 'tis the cowld has settled on
me stomach,' sez he, ' like a shtone,'
sez he.
" But tho Docthor was inixorablo ; ho
wouldn't lave a man break the rani s
" ' Double ! ' sez he — just that. You
should have heard the blasht Patsy lot
out of his thrombone. If iver tho
Docthor gets mintioned in the des-
patches you'll find Patsy at his elbow,
so you will.
"'Twas ton o'clock tho thrain was to
shtart, and the Docthor had them at
the station be half-past, punctual to tho
minyit. Isn't Terence tho guard and
hadn't he been blowing his whistle this
half-hour wid the express there stamp-
ing her feet to be away ? ' Is it to-
morrow you 're going, Docthor ? ' sez
he ; ' for if 'tis so you 11 have to go be
a later thrain,' sez he. ' 'Tis all 1 can
do to hould her in," sez he.
" 'Sure'tis a hurry you are in, Terence,'
sez the Docthor; ' and you wid the nice
bright day before you. Seventeen of
the best I 've brought you, Terence ; I
can't make an even number of them
count them as I will. 'Tis hard to see
Conlan there forming twos be himself,
so it is.'
" ' You 're looking younger iv.'ry day,
Terence me boy,' sez the Docthor, aisy
like. ' What age would you be now ? '
"''Tis forty I am, Docthor darlin',
said Terence — ' in me boots,' sez he. •
" ' 'Tis the thick boots you 're wearin' ;
won't you take them off, Terence ? '
sez the Docthor. ' What 's your chist
measurement ? ' sez he.
" ' Thirty-eight, no less,' soz Terence,
expanding of himself to his full height
like a pouther pigeon.
" ' I once heard tell of a man that gave
his chist measurement be mistake for
his age, Terence. Did you never make
a mistake in your life now, Terence?'
sez the Docthor.
" ' Did I not, Docthor, and only last
night,' said Terence; 'mobbe you'll
hear of it yet,' sez he. 'Gwan onto'
that, Docthor, now.' "
" I thought you said that Terence
joined them," I remarked.
"Waii now till I tell you," said
Martin. " Was I not saying that the
Widdy O'Grady was there? Next to
the engine she was, looking out of the
carriage window at the boys. 'Twas
goin' part of tho way wid them she
was; and why not?
" ' You '11 be late stai tin',' said the
station-master to Terence, ''tis near
eleven o'clock,' sez he ; ' or after,' soz
he. ' 'Tis me flag I 'in lookin' for,'
sez Terence. ' Sure the signal 's against
us, anyway," sez ho.
" ' 'Tis not this thrain the signal refers
to," said tho station-master, ' 'tis the
next thrain. Wave your flag and let
her go, Terence,' sez he.
" But 'twas flusthered Terence was
wid losin' his flag," said old Martin.
' Tho divvle take tho flag,' sez he.
1 Sure I '11 shtart her wid me handker-
chief,' sez he. A red handkerchief at
that, "said Martin Cassidy.
" You 'd not expect an engine-dhriver
to shtart tho thrain be wavin' a red
handkerchief at him — not an express
thrain. Suro he'd know the by-laws
betther than that. But 'twas Bridget
O'Grady's eye caught the rod handker-
chief, so it did.
" ' 'Tis wavin' his handkerchief at
me, he is,' soz she to the engine-dhriver.
' Good luck to you, main,' sex ho.
' Och the darlint,' sez she, waving
back at Terence, ' he worships the
ground I thread on,' sez she. ' Sure
his feelings have overcome him, mam,'
sex the engine-dhriver. ' Och mo little
Bo-peep,' sez she, blowing kisses to
Terence be the dozen at a time.
" ' Is it wantin' me to come to you,
so it is,' said Bridget, opening the
carriage door, ' me little lovo-burrd ? '
sez she. ' 1 'm coming to you, Terence
dear,' sez she. i
"'She's got you this time, Terence
me boy,' said the Docthor, laughing.
''Tis here your flag is,' sez he. ' Well,
wave it you,' said Terence. ' 'Tis no
flag of mine now,' sez he. ' Boys,' sez
he, ' 'tis Bridget has let the cat out of
the bag this time before 'twas quite
hatched,' sez he. ' 'Tis this is me flag,'
sez he, takin' hould of a Union Jack
from the dicorations, ' and 'tis the flag
of ivery thruo Irishman,' sez he. ' Come
along here wid you now, Bridget me
jewel,' sez Terence, 'and see me take
the King's shilling from the Docthor,'
sez he.
" ' Wasn't it you that was wantin'
me to join last night? And didn't I
promise you I 'd join at Dublin just as
a pleasant surprise for the Docthor?
Sure 'tis you that has the laugh on tho
lot of them, so it is, and you breakin'
your heart. Will you wave your flag
now you have your eighteen, Docthor
asthoro ? You and your mistakes,'
sez he. ' The mistake I made was in
thinkin' that a dacent woman would
marry an Irishman who didn't know
his flag,' sez he. ' For the love of Hivin
let her go now, Docthor darlint,' sez
he, ' or we'll be late for the IMI'EROK,'
sez he."
And that 's how Ballymurky made
an even number of it.
JANUAHY 20, JU15.J
ITNVII, Oil TlIK LONDON niARIVARf.
i'J
N.C.O. (passing squadron tltat IMS been halted, men resting). " STOP THAT BAD LANGUAGE. WHAT DO YOU MI:AM BY IT? "
Voice from darkness. " YOU'D GIVE TONQCE IP YOU'D AN 'OBSE'B 'OOF ON YEB PACE AN' STILL 'ALTED!"
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)
I SKEM to remember that, in the old days of peace, when
a friend was run down or in want of thorough rest, it was
a commonplace of advice to suggest a long voyage in a
sailing ship. Somehow I do not think that, even when
mines and traffic raiders are no more, I shall be quite so
ready with this counsel after reading The Mutiny of the
Elsinore (MILLS AND BOON). Of course I know that a
voyage in nautical fiction can never be wholly uneventful,
also that one is justified in looking to Mr. JACK LONDON
for something rather strenuous. But really the Elsinore
appears to touch the limit in this kind. I wish I could
tell you properly about her crew. (Mr. LONDON takes
chapters and chapters in which to do it). I suppose that
every possible variety of undesirable was represented
among them, from dangerous maniacs downwards. And
their behaviour was what you might expect. The disquiet-
ing thing about the book is that the author gives to its
most horrific episodes a cold and calculated air of truth.
" Ejcpcrto crcde," he seems to say; "thus and thus is the
real life of ships." So I had to believe him. There was
only one passenger on board the Elsinore, and he finished
the voyage in command of her. This was after the Captain
had gone wrong in the head, and the First Officer had
discovered the Second to be the murderer of one whom he
had sworn to avenge. By this time also the voyage (which
might be called one of attrition) had considerably reduced
the Elsinorc's company ; while the survivors were mostly
engaged in hurling bombs and vitriol at each other. What
one might call an active, open-air book. But, though
I am far from denying its grim strength, it will not be my
favourite among its author's always interesting romances.
Mr. GILBERT CANNAN offers us in Young Earnest (SECKER)
an extremely conscientious and plausible study of a talented,
sensitive and, I am afraid, rather " superior" youth whoso
love affairs preoccupy him too exclusively and whose de-
mands on life are so exacting that nothing can ever bring
him content. I feel so sure from the good deal which I now
know of young Fottrmy and his behaviour tohis wife, Linda,
that brilliant suburban, and to Ann, the factory girl, that he
never found with Cathlecn the perfect peace which his
creator alleges ; or perhaps, more justly, that ho never
could have found it without a struggle and self-discipline,
of which there are few signs. It is surely one of the
fallacies of a common philosophy of romance — a fallacy
much too crude for Mr. CANNAN 's unusually careful method
— that while this, that and the other relation, opening
delightfully, becomes sordid or impossible some final
selection is to prove automatically and permanently bliss-
ful, even if there be no legal ties to chafe against on
principle. The fact is your Fourmys are in this difficult
matter of the affections doomed to trouble as the sparks
fly upward, and of course the perceptive author knows this
perfectly well and his happy ending is only a " let 's
pretend." I have been fascinated by the skill of a series of
uncannily clear-cut portraits ; I know no other writer who
has the power in so singular a degree of getting right down
below surface traits to depths of mood and character.
Analyse it and you will find that Mr. CANNAN gives you
no descriptions but merely lets his characters unfold them-
selves in their talk. There 's much in that " merely."
GO
PUNCH,
TIIK LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JANUARY 20, 1915.
OUrer, the hero of The Woman iclto Looked Bade (STANLEY
I'Ari.), seems to have been a person of exceptional credulity.
Having as a boy married a quite undesirable foreigner, ho
little to redeem him. I would gladly believe that the
picture of her unpleasant experiences is as false as, I think
you will agree, it is on the whole ugly and unsympathetic ;
subsequently went to India, and on his return accepted I though 1 admit that a lack of sympathy is as much against
without question his mother's statement that ho was a j the intention of the writer as a certain unpleasantness is
widower. So he married Kara, the heroine of the tale, and the deliberate object of her able craftsmanship. I must
lived in great placidity for some eight years with her, till place it in your hands at that, with the advice to read or
the expected happened, and the discovery of an old letter pass by according to your interest in the subject,
proved that wife No. 1 was very much alive. It is at this
dramatic crisis thai M. HAMILTON raises the curtain upon
his (or her) story. If I treat it with flippancy it is not
from any dislike of it; on the contrary it seems to me both
interesting and human, especially human. The dialogue is
Tlic Wise Virgins (ARNOLD) is one of those quaint old-
world stories of the day when there were artists and
individualists who despised convention and the stiffness of
ordinary morality and wanted to realise themselves and
profoundly and movingly natural ; in every chapter I have occupied quite a lot of our attention. To read it
felt that, given the postulated situation, the characters
would talk exactly tints, which simply means that M.
HAMILTON is an adept in her (or his) art. The situation is
complicated by the fact that, though Oliver had accepted
his second marriage as an ideally happy one, Sara in her
secret heart was becoming monstrously bored. Indeed in a
soft, play-with-fire fashion she believed herself in love with
Oliver's friend George,
who himself adored her
passionately. Naturally,
therefore, when the bomb
burst and Sara was no
longer the wife of any-
body, George thought bis
moment had come. I
shall not carry the story
of their three-cornered
light further. It remains
three-cornered. Contrary
to every accepted custom ,
the original and only
genuine wife never once
appears upon the stage.
This strikes me as con-
stituting a record in the
avoidance of the scene-d-
fairc. Incidentally also
it confirms me in my
opinion of M. HAMILTON
as nn author of origin-
... , .
plunge back through the mists of time into the
is to
early
Teasliop Waitress (feeling the pinch of War). " JUST LOOK AT THAT LOT,
EDNA! NOT FIVE MINUTKS' CHAT IN THE WHOLE CROWD."
ality and honesty, whose picture of Sara in particular shows
that she understands a great deal about her own sex.
My enjoyment of a book that is frankly a study on a
special subject is always limited by the interest of the
iibject itself, however prettily the theme be embroidered.
Ihe most eloquent disquisition on postage stamps, for
ample, would leave me unmoved. MARGARET PETERSON
sds no introduction as a most eloquent writer on things
dian; yet "Eurasia," her set study in Tony Belleiu
I am not likening it to philately, and should
orry to be disrespectful to either— so swamps her story
is in itself so little agreeable, that I cannot feel much
enthusiasm for her latest work. That it is dry and barren
lannot be said of a single page; indeed, I could even wish
that such adjectives might be applicable here and there as
a relief from the-shall I say?-clammy fungoid atmo-
lere that permeates, and is intended to permeate, the
that lies between the covers of this volume. The
figure-certainly not hero, and wanting sometime
3 ?e man-exhales in his fickle violences just this miasma"
rightly so if the general conception of the book be
> born of a Bengali mother. Even his final
I co to save Joan, herself about the only character one
3 to meet, is hysterical and unnecessary, and does
summer of 1914 A.D. And even then I have my doubts as
to whether I should have been persuaded to" share the
sympathy which L. F. WOOLP appears to feel for Harry
Davis, the young Eichstead painter. The two types of people
among whom his lot is cast are cleverly if much too bitterly
and unkindly contrasted — the Garlands, pre-eminently
suburban, unable and (all
except Given) unwilling
to leavcthoirmonotonous
groove, and the Law-
rences, too cultured and
full of a'sthetic sensibili-
ties to do anything hut
sit still and talk. Marry
combines the aesthetic
sense with a restless
vitality which he attri-
butes to his Jewish
origin, and is desirous
of action and enterprise.
And so, rejected by
Camilla Lawrence, he
talks to Gwen until she
almost compels him to
compromise her, and the
book closes with the
mockery of a forced mar-
riage in deference to the
— sentiments of Philistia.
In spite of some skilful and penetrating satire, I fancy that
1915 will consider The Wise Virgins neither a very nice
nor a very necessary book.
IN A GOOD CAUSE.
THE claims which have been made by Belgium upon the
generosity of the British public have been eagerly met, but
the needs of her Army do not seem to have been fully
realised. If we owe one debt more than other it is to the
fighting men among our Belgian allies. These brave
fellows are still in want of warm clothing and those simple
comforts— such as tobacco and chocolate— which sound so
little and mean so much. Mr. Punch, at the risk of
seeming importunate in his demands upon the goodness of
his readers, begs them to give their help where it is so
sorely needed. Gifts in kind should be addressed to
Commandant MATCH, 23, City Eoad, E.G., and money
gifts (perhaps the more useful form of help) to M. VAN-
DERVELDK, Victoria Hotel, Northumberland Avenue, S.W.
The Honorary Secretary of the Queen's " Work for
Women " Fund, 33, Portland Place, W., desires to express
her gratitude to those who generously responded to Mr.
Punch's appeal for this good cause.
JANTAUY 2;', 11)10.)
ITNCII, OK
LONDON CIIAIJIVAIM.
Gl
CHARIVARIA.
" Herts are doing well," reports
Lord G.VYAN in a letter from tlie Front
received at Stevenage. Herts, in fact,
are trumps.
In Germany it is now said tliat tlio
KAISER will receive Calais as a birth-
day present. In Franco, however, it is
said that it will be Pas do Calais.
The English governess whoso book
Messrs. CHAPMAN AND HALL have just
published says of the KAISEK : — " When
he made a witticism ho laughed out
aloud, opening his mouth, throwing
back his head slightly with a little jerk,
and looking one straight in the eyes."
It seems a- lot of trouble to take to
intimate that ono has made a joke,
but no doubt his hearers found it
helpful.
Further details of the battlo off the
Falkland Islands are now to hand.
VON SPED, the German Admiral, it
seems, ordered "No quarter" —to
which our men retorted, "Not half."
An Express correspondent reports
from Belgium that the Germans now
have a number of monitor-like vessels
at Zeebrugge which have only one
largo gun and " sit low in the water."
We trust our Navy may be relied upon
to make them sit lower still.
' :;: '
With regard to the occupation of
Swakopmund the Vossisclte Zeitung
now says that this proceeding of war
in South- West Africa is without sig-
nificance. It seems rather churlish of
our contemporary not to point this out
until we have had the trouble of taking
the place. .;. ,;.
A Berlin despatch announces that
Dr. WEILL, the member of the Reichstag
who entered the French army, has been
deprived of his German nationality.
We fear that Dr. WEILL omitted some
of the formalities.
We cannot blame the EX-KHEDIVE for
assuming that his life is of value. He
is to direct operations in Egypt from
Geneva. ... ...
' *'
"CARDINAL MERCIER
BELIEF THAT HE DOES NOT ENJOY
FULL LIBERTY."
These headlines are regrettable. They
make it possible for the Germans to
say, " What 's the good of giving him
full liberty if he does not enjoy it ? "
'-.'• t'-
On more than one occasion lately
the Special Constables have bojn called
"SPECIAL" ETIQUETTE.
Mrs. Sec. "I THINK IT WAS PEBFECTLT HATEFUL OF GBACK TO SEND LADY COPPER-
THWAITE IN TO DINNER BEFORE ME, WHEN SHE KNOWS SlB JOHN IS ONLY A SERGEANT,
AND MY GEOKGE is A SUB-INSPECTOR!"
out only to kick their heels for a con-
siderable time at the local police station.
There is some grumbling as to this, it
being felt that they might have been
told, anyhow, to bring their knitting
with them. ... ...
The Glasgoiv Evening Times must
not be surprised if it loses a few sub-
scribers among the members of the
E.A.M.C. owing to the following answer
to a correspondent in its issue of the
15th inst. :— " ' 18 ' (Falkirk)— Delicate
lads are of litlle use in the Army. You
might try the Koyal Army Medical
Corps."
With reference to the action brought
by Sir HIRAM MAXIM to restrain an
alleged nuisance from noise and vibra-
tion caused by a firm of builders, our
sympathy certainly went out to the
defendants, for who could have gue:s3d
that the inventor of the famous
machine-gun would have a rooted
objection to noise?
The new West London Police Court
was opened last week, and is pro-
• nounced by its patrons to be both
j handsome and comfortable — a place, in
fact, in which no one need feel ashamed
to be seen. There is even a writing
desk in the dock for the use of
prisoners. When so many of them
write memoirs for the Yellow Press
this 'is a little convenience which will
bo much appreciated.
VOL. CXI.VI1I.
62
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JANUARY 27, 1915.
THE MURDERERS.
(Lines addressed to their Master.}
IF I were asked what gives me most amaze
Among your signs of mental aberration,
1 should select, from several curious traits,
Your lack of commonplace imagination.
You seem to think, if once you win the day,
You justify your means; it won't much matter
What laws of man you broke to get your way,
What rules of chivalry you chose to shatter.
Is that your reading in the glass of Time?
And has your swollen head become so rotten
That you suppose success could cancel crime,
Or murder in its triumph be forgotten?
Man shall not live, 0 King, by bread alone,
Though spiced with blood of innocent lives for
leaven ;
He must have breath of honour round him blown
As vital as the very air of Heaven.
What should it serve you, though your end were won
And earth were made a mat to wipe your boot on,
If every decent race beneath the sun
Spits for contempt upon the name of Teuton ?
0. S.
THE FISH FAMINE.
IT is only proper that an agitation should be on foot to
compel the Government to take measures to prevent a
further rise in the cost of bread, the food of the people.
But what is the Government prepared to do to remedy
the present deplorable dearth in the food of the people's
thinkers — fish ?
Scientists, statisticians, fishmongers and other authori-
ties tell us that for the development of the human brain
there is nothing to compare with fish. Indeed, one has
only to glance at the throng assembled in any popular fish-
bar of a night to realise that the people of our country are
alive to their need in this respect.
Consider what this shortage of fish must mean in the
development of the intellectual life of the people of this
country. How can we expect our parcels to be delivered
intelligently, our gas-fittings to be adjusted properly, our
bulbs to be planted effectively, if our carmen, our plumbers,
our jobbing gardeners, and so forth, are deprived of their
daily bloater or bloaters, as the case may be ?
How can we hope that Mr. H. G. WELLS, Mr. ARNOLD
BENNETT or even Lord KITCHENEB himself will continue
to guide the nation effectively with the fish course
obliterated from the menu ?
What is the use of the Poet Laureate to the country if
Billingsgate is inactive ? And without Billingsgate how can
our half-penny morning papers adjust their differences, or
illuminating discussion among intellectuals be maintained ?
How much longer will The Spectator and The Church
Times be worth reading if the present scarcity of fish con-
tinues? Is a Hampstead thinkable without halibut?
A marked deterioration has already been noted in the
quality of the discourses of the senior curate at one of our
suburban churches. We may be capturing trade, and the
position of our banks may be wonderfully sound; but
against that must be recorded the lamentable fact that in
a certain town in the Home Counties last week only
twenty-two people attended a widely announced debate on
the subject, "Have Cinema Pictures a more refining
influence upon the Poor than Classical Poetry ? "
THE BRITISH ARMY.
(.•Is seen from Berlin.)
[The Socialist Vonciirta, which takes considerable pains to correct
the mistakes of its contemporaries, solemnly rebukes journals which,
it savs, have described the Scots Greys as " the Scottish Regiment
of the Minister Grey."— Tlie Times.']
THE desperate straits of the British are indicated by the
statement that it has become necessary for what is called
in England the "senior service" to take a hand in
recruiting the junior, i.e. the British Army. We learn that
the naval gunnery export, Sir PERCY SCOTT, has raised a
regiment known as Scott's Guards.
It illustrates the difficulty which the British have in
raising recruits, that the Government, now that it has
acquired the railways, is ruthlessly compelling even the
older servants to join the army. One section of these men,
who hitherto have been occupied with Hag and whistle,
and have never been mounted in their lives, are being
enlisted in a special battalion known as the Horse Guards,
while, as the authorities themselves admit, the railways
furnish whole regiments of the line. The War Office has
even made up a force from the men who drive KING
GEORGE'S trains, under the title of the Royal Engineers.
The British commemorate their generals in their regi-
ments. For instance, the name of the Duke of
WELLINGTON is carried by the West Riding Regiment,
which, as its name indicates, is a cavalry regiment ; and
the Gordon Highlanders — the Chasseurs Alpins of the
British army — were founded to preserve the name of the
late General GORDON.
The curious practice of bathing the body in cold water
at the beginning of day, which is compulsory in the British
army, is an old one, and is said to have been inaugurated
by a royal regiment which even to-day commemorates the
beginning of the odd habit in its title of Coldstreamers.
THE BELLS OF BERLIN.
(Which are said to be rung by order occasionally to announce
some supposed German victory.)
THE Bells of Berlin how they hearten the Hun
(0 dingle dong dangle ding dongle ding dee) ;
No matter what devil's own work has been done
They chime a loud chant of approval, each one,
Till the people feel sure of their place in the sun
(0 dangle ding dongle dong dingle ding dee).
If HINDENBURG hustles an enemy squad
(0 dingle dong dangle ding dongle ding dee),
The bells all announce that the alien sod
Is damp with the death of some thousand men odd,
Till the populace smiles with a gratified nod
(0 dangle ding dongle dong dingle ding dee).
If TIRPITZ behaves like a brute on the brine
(0 dingle dong dangle ding dongle ding dee),
The bells with a clash and a clamour combine
To hint that the Hated One 's on the decline,
And the city gulps down the good tidings like wine
(0 dangle ding dongle dong dingle ding dee).
The Bells of Berlin, are they cracked through acd
through
(0 dingle dong dangle ding dongle ding dee),
Or deaf to the discord like Germany too ?
For whether their changes be many or few,
The worst of them is that they never ring true
(0 dangle ding dongle dong dingle ding dee).
n:\nr. 01; Tin1. I.ONDOX CHABIVAIil.— JAWABT 27, i'Ji-j.
w/> .
THE DISSEMBLERS.
OF A; MI;.\. "\()\V WHAT DO W
Sn/iAN oi' TIKKKV. "\VKIJ,, OF COURSE
BIRTHDAY."
27TH.]
11 KALI, Y WANT TO SAY?"
YK COCLDNT SAY THAT; NO! ON HIS
.1 \NTAUY 27,
PUNCH, nil TIIK Ln\ln»N cilAIMVAIM.
69
TUE LAST FIGHT OP ALL,
K\i:uv inoin v,o met together
On otir journey up to (.own,
Mm Government and weather,
Han all other nations down ;
And, whenever (very seldom)
St.nillg'M's' \isagos Were SUCH,
With indignant looks wo quelled 'fin
On the 9.17.
But to-day Micro's nono remaining
To bestow the crushing glanro.
Down in Surrey Smith is training,
Urown is somewhere out in France; '
(Joing through his martial paces,
Jones is billeted at Sheen ;
Strangers seixe tlio sacred places
On the 9.17.
But when once, the struggle ended,
Men resume their normal toil
There will be one final, splendid
Battle fought on English soil ;
And the populace enraptured
From their evening Press shall glen
"Heavy lighting; seats recaptured
On the 9.17."
Till; WAR AND THE BOOKS.
"NoWHBBH," says a contemporary,
"is the influence of the War more ap-
parent than in the publishers' lists."
Wo venture to anticipate a few items
that are promised for this time next
year: —
For Lovers of Bright Fiction. NKW
<JKHM\N FAIUY TALKS. Selected .from
the Ollicial Wireless. ;j;~0 pp., large
quarto, 10s. Cnl. The first review says,
" Deliciously entertaining . . . powers
of imagination greatly above the ordi-
nary. The story of " Hans across the
Sea, or the Eagles in Egypt," will
make you rock svith laughter.
Important now work on Ornithology.
BRITISH BIKDS, BY ONE WHO GOT THKM.
Being the experiences of a Slacker in
the prime of life during the Great War.
Crown octavo, 6s. Profusely illustrated
with cuts.
CIVILIAN LIKE FROM WITHIN. The
author, Mr. Jude Brown, has (for good
reasons fully explained in the preface)
remained a civilian during the past
year, lie is thus in a position to speak
with authority upon a phase of life which
most of his contemporary readers will
cither have forgotten or never known.
Just as Service novels in the past used
to appear full of the most absurd tech-
nical errors, so to-day many books that
profess to deal with civilian life are
disfigured by every kind of solecism.
Mr. Brown, however, writes not as a
gushing amateur but as one who knows.
Order i arly.
X<y)uiW. "I'M UEAD1SU A VERY INTERESTING BOOK, AUNT, CALLED ' GERMANY AND
THE NEXT WAR.' "
Aunt. " WELL, MY DEAR, I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT THEY HAD TUEIU HANDS
ENOUGH WITH THE PRESENT ONE."
In a Good Cause.
Mr. Punch begs to call the attention
of his readers to a sale which will take
place at CHRISTIE'S, en February 5th, of
pictures by members of the Royal
Society of Painters in Watercolours.
The entire proceeds will be divided be-
tween the two allied societies, the Red
Cross and the St. John Ambulance.
The pictures are on exhibition at Messrs.
CHRISTIE'S, who are bearing all expenses
and charging no commission.
" We have the further intelligence that 80
Turkish transports have been sunk by the
Russians in the North Sea. This last piece
of information lucks official confirmation."
Dublin Eceniiuj Mail.
This continued official scepticism about
the Russians is very disheartening.
" S.imlrinfjhnm is fifty miles due c.xst of
Yarmouth." — Liverpool Echo.
Rather a score off the KAISER, who
didn't realise it was a submarine job.
__ . " Our Correspondent at Washington reports
A Birthday Wish : Jan. J7th :— thill, ,,„. ,.,, ...„ ,)( thc Kastern United St;r
A toast to the K.USKn from wivi s and unanimous in excoriating the German Air
from mothers, B*id."— 2*1 Twu-i.
" May he he as hapjiv as he has made If only they would excoriate the Zep-
o! lii'ix." pelins themselves.
PUNCH, Oil TIIH LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JANUARY 27, 1915.
ON THE SPY-TRAIL.
i.
JIMMY had been saving up his pocket-
money niul his mother had begun to gel
rat her anxious ; she thought he must be
sickening for something.
Ho was. It was for a dog, any dog,
hut preferably a very fierce bloodhound.
Ho had already bought n chain; ho
had to have that because the dog lie
\va-i going to buy would have to l>:>
held in by main force; it would have to
be restrained.
But he didn't have to buy one after
all ; ho had one transferred to him.
You see Jimmy was helping at a
kind of bazaur in aid of the Belgian
Kefugees Fund. He had volunteered
Jimmy ran
couldn't run
hound tried to slide on
all the way home : he
very fast, as the blood-
its bind legs
to
help
with the refreshment stall.
There is a lot of work about a refresh-
ment stall, Jimmy says. His
work made him a bit husky,
but ho stuck to it and so it
stuck to him.
J 1'^ was very busy explain-
ing the works of a cake to a
lady when a man came up
with something under his
arm. It was a raffle. You
paid threepence for a ticket,
and would the lady like one?
The lady said she already
had two tea-cosies at home;
but the man explained that
it was not a tea-cosy, it was
a dog.
A dog! Perhaps a blood-
bound ! Jimmy trembled with
excitement. Only threepence
for a ticket, and he had a
chance of winning it.
It seemed a faithful dog, Jimmy
thought. It had a very good lick, too ;
it licked a sponge-cake off' a plate, and
would have licked quite a lot more from
Jimmy's stall if it had had time.
Jimmy came third in the raffle.
But the man whose ticket won the
dog said he didn't care for that kind
of breed, by the look of it, and gave
way in favour of the next.
The next man said he wasn't taking
any shooting this year, and he stood
JIM le. The (log was Jimmy's ! !
With trembling hands ho fastened
on the chain to restrain it. Then he
I the man whoso ticket had won
the ratllo it it was really a prire blood-
hound.
The man looked at the dog critically,
and said it was 'cither a prize blood-
hound or a Scotch haggis ; at any rate
it was a very rare animal.
Jimmy asked if he would have t»
have a licence for it, but
was when it followed Jimmy up into
his bedroom, and saw itself in the
mirror in the wardrobe. Jimmy says
it was because it came upon itself
too suddenly. It made it brood a
great deal, and Jimmy bad to give it a
certain herb to reassure it.
Jimmy takes it out every day, search-
ing for Gorman spies. It goes round
sniffing ever;, where- in hopes. It is
a very strong sniffer and full of zeal,
and one day it did it.
A man was looking at a shop-window,
whore they sell sausages and pork-pies.
He was studying them, Jimmy says.
Jimmy says he never would have
guessed ho was a German spy if his
bloodhound hadn't s-niffcd him out. It
walked round the man twice, and in
doing so wrapped the chain round the
;: OSl of the way, it was so fierce.
Jimmy knows all about bloodhounds,
how to train them. He is training his
to track down German spies, amongst
other things.
He knows a way sp that if you say
something — well, jon don't exactly say
it, you do it by putting your tongue
into the place where your front tooth
came out and then blowing — a really
well-trained bloodhound will begin to
shiver, and the hair on the back of his
neck will go up. You then go and look
for someone to help you to pull him off
the German's throat, and ask the Ger-
man his name and address, politely.
Jimmy taught his bloodhound to
track clothes by letting it smell at a1 man's legs, jimmy says it was to cut
off his retreat. The man
moved backwards and
stepped on the bloodhound's
toe, and the bloodhound be-
gan to bay like anything.
Jimmy says it showed the
bloodhound was hot upon the
scent.
It then sniffed a piece out
of the man's trousers.
There was another man
there; he \vas looking on and
laughing. He said to Jimmy,
" Pull in. sonny ; you 've got
a bite."
But he stopped laughing
when the German spy tripped
up and fell on top of the
bloodhound ; for the German
spy shouted out, " Ach,
Himmel! " The man who was
It brought him a lot j looking on shouted, "What ho!" and
put all the fingers of both hands into
his mouth and gave one terrific whistle.
The bloodhound held on tightly under-
neath the German, baying faithfully,
till the policeman came and forced them
apart. The German spy never said
anything to the policeman or to the
man or to Jimmy, but it seemed ho
couldn't say enough to the bloodhound.
Ho kept turning round to say things,
as they came into his head, on his way
Manager (to dragon). " WHAT 's
WHEBE 's YOUR HIND LEGS?"
Dragon. "THEY'VE ENLISTED, fin;.'
THE MEANING OF THIS ?
piece of cloth.
of clothes from nearly a quarter of a
mile away. They were not the right
clothes though, and Jimmy bad to take
them back. The woman wanted them
— to wash over again, she said. She
doesn't like bloodhounds much.
Jimmy says you ought to have the
blood of the victim on the cloth.
Jimmy has trained his bloodhound to
\\atcli things. It is very good at
watching. It watched a cat up a tree
all one night, and never left off once :
to the police-station.
it would bo best to wait and see v, hat
it grow into. All good
are like that, Jimmy says.
it is very faithful like that. And it bays Jimmy asked the German if he could
quite well, without being taught to. It j keep the piece of cloth his bloodhound
bayed up to four hundred and ten one had sniffed out.
night, and would have gone past that1 Jimmy has made the piece of cloth
but a man opened a window and told iti into a kind of medal with a piece of
not to. lie sent it a water-bottle to wire, and has fastened it to the blood-
play with instead. hound's collar. Jimmy says if he gets
Jimmy s bloodhound is a splendid a lot of pieces of cloth like this he is
igliter. It fought a dog much bigger going to make a patchwork quilt for
than itself and nearly choked it. The j the bloodhound.
Jimmy's bloodhound is hotter than
ever on the trail of German spies.
If you are good you shall hear more
of it. another time.
Jimmy had to pull his dog out.
Jimmy says he has only once seen
his bloodhound really frightened. It
,'IANTMIV '27, [915.
PUNCH, ()|{ Till-: LONDON ril.MMVAIM.
G7
Subaltern (endeavouring to explain the mysteries of drill). "FORMING FOURS— WHEX THE SQUAD WISHES to FOBM FOURS
1 H I . I'A !•,?( NUMBERS T A K E
Sergeant-major. " As YOU TTESS ! A SQUAD OP RECBUITS NEVER WISHES TO DO KOTHING, SIR! "
AS GOOD AS A MILE.
As this happened over a month ago,
it is disclosing no military secret to
say that the North Sea was extraordi-
narily calm. Jt was neither raining
nor sleeting nor blowing; indeed the
sun was actually visihle, an alcoholic-
vi-uged sun, glowing like a stage fire
through a frosty haze. From the
cruiser that was steaming slowly ahead,
with no apparent object beyond that of
killing time, the only break to be seen
in the smoky blue of the sea was the
dull copper reflection on one-half of its
\vake; and that somehow attracted no
comment from the man on the lookout.
Bits of iiotsam nevertheless, however
harmlessly flotsam, wcro recorded on
their appearance in a penetrating me-
chanical sing song, with a strong Cock-
ney accent, as were the occasional
glimpses of the shores of Norway.
All that could manage it were on
deck, enjoying the unusual freedom
from oilskins. The captain was assur-
ing the commander that the safest way
of avoiding a cold was to sit in a
draught with a wot shirt on ; a marine
was having a heated argument with a
petty officer as to whether the remnants
of the German Navy would be destroyed
taken over at the end of the War ;
or _ . ,,„
the torpedo-lieutenant was telling the
A. P. what jolly scenery there was from
hero if only one could see it, and pro-
nouncing his conviction that it was
mere beef and not real reindeer that
they had given him for lunch at the
hotel up the fjord ; while the A. P. was
mentally calculating the chances of
the old man's coming down handsomely
enough to allow his honeymoon to run
to Norway when the war was over.
"Periscope on the port bow, Sir!"
It disappeared in the spray of half-a-
dozen shells, and emerged unharmed
for an instant before it dipped ; but a
rapidly-forming line of torpedo-bubbles
showed that the submarine too had
seen, and had made answer after its
fashion.
People who ought to know assure us
that the truly great often regret their
days of obscurity ; certainly the cap-
tain now wished that he were still
merely the lieutenant-commander of
a T.I3. Then he could have turned
nearly parallel to the course of the
torpedo, and tried for a ram. With the
heavier and slower ship there was no
room or time for such a manoeuvre ; it
was full speed ahead or astern. The
torpedo was -well-aimed, and, seeing
from its track that it would meet their
course ahead, he rang full speed astern.
I The ship quivered distressingly, and the
I water boiled beneath her stern. There
| was nothing left to do but wait and
trust to the propellers.
Banks and ratings alike clustered to
the side, watching those bubbles with a
curiously dispassionate interest; but
for the silence they might have been a'
crowd of tourists assembled to see a
whale. One low " Six to four against
i the torpedo " was heard ; and a sub
with a pathetically incipient beard
asked for a match in a needlessly loud
• tone. The bubbles drew near, very
' near, and were hidden from all but one
or two beneath the bow ; hands gripped
the rails rather tightly, and then once
more the line of bubbles appeared, now
to the starboard. Men turned and
looked at each other curiously as if
they were new acquaintances ; one or
two shook hands rather shamefacedly ;
and the sub who had asked for a match
found that his cigarette wanted another.
And from the look-out, in the same
mechanical sing-song, came " Torpedo
passed ahead, Sir ! "
••Mr StaiuYvl.V.ke will begin his tour with C0rt at th,- Royal,
;,Mmrv. on Monday. Tli« ..M pxace, we Hn.lrrsUuul has h,,,,
Herod M as to all,,« , f ret r, nr, s to current erentj in thcV,; r Saw
erridg.n'v.rnl.stsm the last Act, and app.'ars m khaki. — I lie Mage.
Not to be outd.,'11. . -I/'', /'(inc/i begs to present scenes from his new
version of As You Like It ]
ACT I.
An open place, (icith goal-posts at each end).
Kntcr from opposite turnstiles Duke Frederick and Rosalind
(with Celia).
Diikr. I low now, daughter and cousin? Are you crept
litlier to see tlio football?
Rosalind. Ay, iny lord, so please you give us leave.
Duke. You will take little delight in it, I can tell you.
I only came myself from— er- duty. It's disgraceful to
think that our able-bodied young men should waste their
linio kicking a ball about in this crisis. I would enlist my-
self if only I were ten years younger.
Celia (thoughtfully). I know a man just about your age
who —
Duke (hastily). Besides, I have a weak heart.
[Shout. Orlando kicks a goal.
Rosalind. Who is that excellent young man ?
Duke. Orlando. I have tried to persuade him to go, but
ic will not be entreated. Speak to him, ladies ; see if you
can move him.
[Whistle. Time. Arden Wednesday is
defeated1} — 1. Orlando approaches.
Rosalind. Young man, are you aware that there is a
war on?
Orlando. Yes, lady.
Rosalind (giving him a small white feather from her bag).
Wear this for me, the lastling of the flock ;
To-morrow you shall have a belter one.
Orlando. Lady, I thank you for your welcome gift.
This little favour cunningly affixed
With mucilage upon the upper lip
Shall take the place of those informal sproutings
Which military etiquette demands
And Nature has persistently denied me.
Rosalind (alarmed). Why want you a moustache, young
man?
Orlando. To fight with.
(Bowing.) Second LieutenantO.de Boys; gazetted
This very morning to the Fifth Battalion
The Arden Foresters — and at your service.
My men await me. Fare you well, fair ladies.
[Exit.
Rosalind (sighing). Celia, my dear, I 've made a fool o)
myself again.
Celia. It looks like it. You 're always so hasty.
Rosalind (casually). I wonder where the Fifth Battalion
is training ?
Celia. Somewhere in the Forest, I expect.
Rosalind. Alas, what danger will it be to us
Maids as we are to travel forth so far !
Celia. I '11 put myself into a Red Cross dress.
Rosalind. I do not like the Red Cross uniform.
Celia. You could be photographed ten times a day :
" The Lady Rosalind a Red Cross Nurse."
Rosalind. I like it not. Nay, I will be a Scout.
Celia. What shall I call thee when thou art a Scout ?
Rosalind. I '11 have no worse a name than Archibald.
The Boy Scout Archibald. And what of you '.
Celia. Something that hath a reference to my state ;
No longer Celia now, but Hclia.
Rosalind. Help 1
[JANUARY 27, 1915.
ACT II.
An open place in the Forest.
A Voice. Platoon I Properly at ease there, blank you !
Tn-snun! Dis-Miws!
Enter Amiens, Jaques and others.
Amiens. SONG.
It's a long way to Tipperary,
It 's a long way to go ;
It 's a long way to Tipperary,
To the sweetest girl I know . . . (ct-cctcra.)
Jaques. More, more, I prithee, more.
Amiens. It will make you melancholy, Corporal Jaques.
Jaques. 1 want to be melancholy. Any man would be
nelancholy when his oilicer's moustache falls off on parade.
Amiens. A white one too — a regular Landsturmer. And
yet he 's not an old man, Corporal.
Jaques. Ay, it 's a melancholy business. Come, warble.
Amiens. SOXG.
Who doth all comfort slum
And hates the blooming sun,
Eating what he can get
And sleeping in the wet,
Come hither, come hither, come hither;
Here shall lie learn
To right-about-turn
In winter and rough weather.
Jaques (getting up}. A melancholy business. Amiens,
my lad, I feel the old weakness coming over me.
Amiens (alarmed). You're going to recite, Corporal?
Jaques. Yes, I 'm going to recite. (Sighs.)
Amiens. Fight against it, Corporal, fight against it!
didn't matter ID the old civilian days, long ago; but think
if it suddenly seized you when we were going into action !
Jaques. I know, I know. I 've often thought of it. But
when once it gets hold of me — (Pleadingly) This will
only be a very little one, Amiens . . . H'r'ui !
All the world 's at war
And all the men are learning to be soldiers :
They have their exits —
(Bugle)
Dammit, there goes mine.
[Exit hurriedly, followed by the others.
Enter Rosalind and Celia.
Rosalind (reading).
No mistress ever has recalled
A sweeter youth than Archibald.
The only name that never palled
On Rosalind was Archibald.
How firmly is thy face installed
Upon my heart, O Archibald !
Celia. Is that your own, dear?
Rosalind. I found it on a tree. There 's lots more . . .
Oh, Celia, listen ! It ends up :
O ! once I was severely galled
By feathers from my Archibald.
Celia, it must be Orlando! He has penetrated my dis-
guise and he forgives me !
[Enter Orlando from left at the head of liis men.
Orlando (to his platoon). Halt ! Eyes right ! (Advancing
to Rosalind.) Lady, you gave me a feather once. I have
lost it. Can you 'give me another one? My Colonel says
I must have a moustache.
Rosalind. Alas, Sir, I have no others.
Orlando (firmly). Very well. Then there 's only one thing
for me to do. I shall have to join the Navy.
lie does to, thus providing a naval Third Act, . . . And
so eventually to the long -wished- for end. A. A. M.
JANUARY 27, I
ITXC!!, ni; T1IK LONDON CHARIVARI.
C9
THE LATEST IRISH GRIEVANCE.
A MII.KSIAN MKDLEY.
i:i:\tiii hitpromotion
in the, pi'crtuja has adopted the sli/li:
of M<ir</iiessofAiu:iti>j-:r:\.iM>'l'Aii .1.'.
I'm-: Harp that onco in Tara's Hall
Tlio soul of musir
I Ins had a most disastrous fall
And won't ho comforted;
For now, when tho Milesian (la 1
Looms largo upon the scene,
Turn is tacked on to the tail
Of Scottisli Aberdeen.
0 CASI:MI;NT dear, an' did yo hear !,hr
news that 's goin' round ?
Th<- (icrmans are by law forbid to land
on Irish ground ;
And Cork's proud Corporation — may
perdition seize their soul ! —
Have blotted KUNO MKYKU'S name from
off their burgess roll.
1 met wid PADDY BIKRELL on the links
at Overstrand,
An" so/ he, " How 's poor dear Ireland,
and how does she stand ? "
She's the most amazin' countliry that
ivcr yet was seen,
For she's let tho name of Tara come
afther Aberdeen !
O if in dingy khaki we 've got to sec it
through,
And must not taste of raki (which is
Turkish mountain-dew),
Still we can wet our whistle with
porter and poteen,
And extirpate tho thistlo from Tara's
sacred scene.
When laws can turn tho pratio into
the Frenchman's l)oan,
An' when the Russian Ballet comes to
dance on College Green,
Then I '11 accept tho title, though I 'in
a patriot keen,
But till that day Tara shall stay in
front of Aberdeen.
Chorus (io the tune of Tarara- Boom-
de-ay.)
TARA AND ABEBDEEN — that's what it
should have l)een,
For never has there been an insult so
obscene
To dear Dark EOSALEEN, our holy Island
Queen,
As letting Tara's sheen be dimmed by
Aberdeen.
"(!n;aso Spots on Milk.— Take a lump of
magnesia, and, having wetted it, rub it over
the grease-marks. Let it dry, and then brush
tho powder off, when the spots will be found
to have disappeared."— North Wills llmihl.
They didn't. Perhaps we had tlie
wrong kind of milk.
Lady. "I WANT SOME STUDS, PLEASE, FOR MY SON.
Shopman. " YES, MADAM — FOH TUB FRONT?"
Lady. "No — HOME DEFENCE."
A TERRITORIAL IN INDIA.
n.
. MY DEAR Mr. Punch, — I think I see
now the reason for the wholesale
transference of our Battalion to clerical
duties as described in my last Jotter.
We are being " trained for the Front
in the shortest possible time." That
much is certain, because it is in the
official documents. Clearly, then, we
are to form a new arm. Each man
will be posted in a tree with a type-
writer before him. The enemy, ap-
proaching, will hear from all sides a
continuous tap-tapping and will lly in
disorder, imagining that he is being
assailed by a new kind of machine-gun.
Did I tell you that we are living in
a tent ? Four of us occupy one tent ;
that is to say, we occupy that portion
of it which is not required by some
i five hundred millions of ants. I arrived
at this figure in the same way that
other scientists count microbes — by
multiplying the number on a square
i inch by the superficial area in inches
i of the tent. Ants are voracious brutes.
I In five minutes they can eat a loaf of
i bread, two pounds of treacle, a tin of
oatmeal (unopened), eight bananas, a
shaving brush and a magazine. So at
. least we wore assured l)y our colleagues
. in the office, some of whom have been
in India for many years and therefore
ought to know.
When we leave the tent to step
' across into the office some of the more
I friendly of the ants accompany us and
indulge in playful little pranks. Only
• this morning one of them, while my
I back was turned, upset a bottle of ink
over a document I had just completed.
We keep alive our military ardour in
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [JANUARY 27, 1915.
CONVERSATIONS OF THE MOMENT.
' WHY IS EVEBYBODY MAKING SUCH A PUSS WITH THAT BATHER ORDINARY
'Mr DEAR! SHE HAS A CELLAR."
L--LOOKING LITTLE PERSON ? ' '
our spare time by waging war upon
this enemy. Their strategy resembles
that of the Germans. They rely upon
masses, and every day their losses are
appalling. But, unlike the Germans,
they seem to have unlimited reserves
to draw upon. I foresee the day when
we shall be driven out and they will
be left masters of the field.
But enough of ants, which are be-
coming a bore. I have verified the
theory that human nature is the same '
all the world over. When I was at
home for that last forty-eight hours'
leave before we sailed for India, five of
us returned to the camp on Salisbury
Plain by motor, and on our way we
stopped at a country inn. Doubtless
our big khaki overcoats and sunburnt
faces gave us a more soldierly appear-
ance than the length of our military
training warranted, and an elderly
countryman seated on a bench inside,
regarding us with interest, asked me if
we were oil to the Front. " Well," I
said, " wo 're going to India first, and
after a few months we are to return to
the Front." Plainly our friend was in
a difficulty. Ho was a patriot. One
could see that he longed intsnscly,
ardently, to express his appreciation of
our action in volunteering, but he
could not find the appropriate words.
There was a long pause. Then a light
of inspiration shone on his countenance.
He had found it. His hand dived into
his pocket. "Here," he said, "have
some nuts."
So in India. We have another patriot
here in our "boy " Mahadoo, who for
two rupees a week acts as our valet,
footman, housemaid, kitchenmaid,
chambermaid, boots, errand boy and
washerwoman. " And the sahib will
fight the Germans ? " he asked me the
other day. " I hope so," I replied ;
" in a few months." One could soo
that he too experienced the difficulty
of adequate expression. Then his hand
went to his turban and he produced a
small slab of English chocolate. " For
you, rajah," he said, and, standing to
attention, he saluted like a soldier.
And I believe there was a lump in his
honest dusky throat.
Life can be very difficult when you
have only one uniform, and that an
Indian summer one. I realised the
other day that the dreaded hour had
arrived when mine must be purified.
Accordingly I gave Mahadoo instruct-
ions to wash it, and went into the
office in pyjamas. So far so good.
An hour later came an order from the
D.A.Q.M.G. that I was to go into the
to\vn to cash a cheque. My uniform
lay on the grass outside the tent, clean
but wet. I was a soldier. I must
obey orders unquestioning!}'. What
was to be done ?
Well, I pondered; it is a soldier's
business unflinchingly to brave danger
and hardship. I must go into the town
in pyjamas and run stolidly the gaunt-
let of curious glances and invidious
remarks. The bank lay in the centre
of the European quarter. Very well,
I must do my duty nevertheless. I
was a soldier.
So I wrung out my uniform, changed
into it and caught a severe cold.
I suppose they don't give V.C.'s till
you have actually figured on the battle-
field. Yours ever,
ONE OF THE PuNcn BRIGADE.
Another Impending Apology.
"NEW BANKING DEPARTURE.
Sir Edward Holdeii Redeems His Promise."
Daily Sketch.
PUNCH. OK THE LONDON CHAIU VARF.— JANUARY 27, 1915.
THE FLIGHT THAT FAILED.
THE EMPEROR. " WHAT ! NO BABES, SIRRAH ? "
THE MURDEUER. "ALAS! SIRE, NONE."
THE EMPEROR. "WELL, THEN, NO BABES, NO IRON CROSSES."
{Exit murderer, discouraged.
JANI.-AIIV 1:7, \\)\r,.]
ITNCII, 01! TIIK LONDON ril.MM V.MM.
73
Cyclist. "I HAVE A DESPATCH FOR THE OFFICER IN COMMAND.
Sentry (a raw one). " Yus. SHALL I FETCH UN OUT TO "EE?"
CAN I BEE HIM?"
ACCOUNT RENDERED.
Mr. Punch, SIB, — Can you inform mo if the Government
may be relied upon to pay compensation to all who suffer
loss or damage as a result of the War? If so, will you be
good enough to advise me how to proceed to get payment
for the following items of my own personal loss?
1. Damage to Dresden ornament due to maid's
sudden alarm while dusting it, on hearing
the newspaper hoy call (as she thought)
" JELLICOU sunk " £200
2. Loss of profits on a potential deal, due to
my arriving late in the City on the morn-
ing of January 5th as a consequence of an
argument on London Bridge witli that ass
Maralang on matters relating to the War. GO 0 0
3. Expenses incurred by (a) spraining the
great too of my right foot, (b) spoiling one
pair of trousers, and (c) grazing my fore-
head, in the course of field operations with
my drilling corps, to which I belong only
because of the War 4 14 6
4. Loss of ofl'ico-boy's services for one week as
a result of damage he received from a taxi-
cab while waiting at Charing Cross for
Xeppelins to appear 0 10 0
Brought forward .... £67 4 6
Breakage of glass in my greenhouse on
Boxing Day, caused by my son's defective
aim with the 5 mm. air-gun presented
to him on Christmas Day by me, a gift
inspired directly by the War . . .320
G.
Undoubted loss of expected and indeed
practically promised legacy from my Aunt
Margaret, caused by an ill-considered
criticism I passed upon a belt she hod
knitted for a soldier at the Front ; legacy
estimated at not less than £2000. 1 am,
however, prepared to accept cash down 500
0 0
Total
Yours obediently,
. £570 6 G
COMPUTATOK.
"A marriage has been arranged between Capt. Stokes, 4th
(Queen's Own) Hussars, of St. Botolph's, and Mrs. Stokes and
Miss Evelyn Wardell and Mrs. John Vaughau o£ Brynwern, NLAV-
bridge-on-Wyc. ' ' — Welshman .
We hope that without offence we may congratulate him.
•PRIVATE STILLS IN FRANCE."
He is only one of thousands.
Daily Xt'i
TUNG!!, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JANUARY 27, 1915.
A QUESTION OF TACTICS.
Poon Jones! 1 often tliink of him —
a patriot of the super-dreadnought
!)!><•, with un apoplectic conviction
that the whole conduct of the War, on
the part of tho Allies, had heen from
the outset a scries of gigantic mistakes.
"I don't believe in all this spado and
chess-board work," he used to growl ;
" up and at 'em, that 's my motto.
Magnificent fighting material we've
got at the Front, but what we want is
brains, Sir, brains to use it." And
then (though 1 could never under-
stand why he did this) he would tap
his own forehead.
At tho end of October wo all agreed
not to argue with Jones any more.
Peters, who in his younger days very
Dearly qualified for the medical pro-
fession, said that for
short - necked, wine-
coloured persons like our
friend anything in the
nature of a heated dis-
cussion might easily lead
to fatal results. So partly
out of consideration for
the Empire, which we
felt could not afford in
the present crisis to lose
a single man, even Jones,
partly out of considera-
tion for Mrs. Jones
(though here we were
perhaps influenced by a
sentiment of mistaken
kindness), and partly out
of consideration for our-
selves,wedecidedtoavoid
the topic of the War when
conversing with Jones.
tho butcher's. He
with a newspaper
wore an angry expression
was gesticulating
in his hand and
Knowing
as I did so my second inspiration came.
" A yard of cream wincey," I said.
One fleeting, startled, curious glance
that there was not a moment to be she gave me; then without a word she
proceeded to comply with my request.
I waited, with one eye .on her deftly-
doubt not, some who moving lingers, the other on Jones and
lost, I dived into the nearest shop.
"Yes, Sir?"
There are, I
find a peculiar charm in the voice of the Vicar. And, as I waited, I resolved,
tho young female haberdasher; but Income what might, to see the thin
am not of them. It is a dreadful thing
to he alone in a ladies' and children's
through.
She finished all too soon, handed me
It proved very difficult to carry out
our resolution. When a man is deter-
mined to discuss the War, tho whole
War, and nothing but the War, with
everybody he meets, it is hard to side-
track him. You can, of course, after
listening to his views on coast defences,
endeavour to turn the conversation bv
saying, "Yes, certainly; and by the
way, speaking of Sheringham, l" have
an uncle, a retired minor canon of
Exeter, who still deprecates the custom
of mixed bathing"; or, " I quite agree
with you, and that reminds me, have
you beard that all the best people on
tho Essex coast are insuring against
twins this season ? " But even efforts
like these are often of little avail.
There is only one really effective course
to pursue, and that is to avoid your
adversary altogether. This was what
we had to do with poor Jones.
One morning during the second
week in November 1 was walkin«
down the High Street, when I espied
Jones conversing \\-ith a friend outside
outfitter's ; these establishments are apt my second parcel and repeated her
to contain so many articles that no question. I repeated 'my order,
self-respecting man should know any- I haw never spoken to anyone of
thing about. As I realised where I what I went through during the next
as I shuddered. three-quarters of an hour. Myownre-
" Yes, Sir?" said the voice again. collection of it is very vague. Through a
I gazed stonily from the fair young sortof mist I see a figure inachair facing
ing across the counter to a group of a damsel who cuts off and packs up end-
ler sisters in the background, who had ! less yards of cream wincey till there rises
jaused in their play to watch in silent ; between them on the counter a stockade
of brown-paper parcels.
I see the other young
female haberdasher.-;, her
companions, gathering
timidly round, an awed
joy upon their faces,
finally I see the figure
rise and stumble blindly
into the street beneath
un immense burden of
small packages all identi-
cal in size and fchape. I
can remember no more.
On the following day
I went down to Devon-
shire for a rest, and
stayed there till my
system was clear of
cream wincey. The first
man I met on my return
was Peters.
" Have you heard about
WAR'S REPINING INFLUENCE.
Englishman (accidentally trodden
on). "\VHATTHE D — N YOU,
SIB! CAN'T YOU
" OH, PARDON,
VIVE LA BELOIQVE!"
MONSIEUB !
reproach the rude disturber of their
maiden peace.
"Yes, Sir?" said the voice once
more. There was a note of weariness
in it now, a far-off hint of unshed tears.
Suddenly my eye caught a label on a
bale. I decided to plunge.
" A yard of cream wincey," I said
firmly.
The ice was broken. She smiled;
her sisters in the background smiled;
and I sank relieved upon the nearest
chair. Obviously I had picked a win-
ner; it seemed that cream wincey was
a thing no man need blush to buy. I
watched her fold up the material and
enclose it in brown paper, and resolved
to send it to my married sister at
Ealing. And then a terrible thing
happened. As I rose to take my
parcel I saw Jones standing just out-
side on the pavement, talking earnestly
to tho Vicar. I sat down again.
And the next thing?" murmured
espied the voice seductively.
I looked at her in despair. But even
Jones? " he asked.
"No," I replied.
" He 's gone," said Peters solemnly.
A thrill of hope shot through me.
" To the Front ? " I asked.
"No, not exactly; to a convalescent
home."
"Dear, dear!" I exclaimed, "how
very sudden ! What was it ? "
" German measles," said Peters,
" and a mistake in tactics. If he had
only waited to let them come out into
the open tho beggars could have been
cut off all right in detachments. But
you remember Jones's theory: he never
believed in finesse. So he went for
them to suppress them en masse, and
they retreated into the interior, con-
centrated their forces and compelled
him to surrender on their own terms."
" Poor old Jones ! " I murmured
sadly.
From an examination paper : —
"A periscope is not a thing what a doctor
JANI-ABY 27, I'll'..;
L Oil TJIK LONDON" CIIAIM V A III.
THE FOOD PRCBLEM.
Greenwood is ono of those intoler-
able men \vlio always riso to an
occasion, Ho is tho kind of man who
rushes to sit on tlir liend of ;i
\vlien it is down. I fun oven picture
him sitting on tlio bonnet of an ovei
turned motor-'bus and shouting, " Now-
all together!" to tho men who are
readjusting it.
M'o wcro going down to businr.-i*
when Perkins introduced ;v now griev-
aneo against tlio Censor.
" Whatever do they allow thia rot
about food prices in tlio paper for?"
lie began. "Jt unsettles women awfully.
Now my wife; is insisting on having
her housekeeping allowance advanced
twenty-five por cent. I tell you she'd
never have known anything about the
advances if they hadn't been put before !
her in flaring type."
The general opinion of the compart-
ment seemed to be that the Censor had
gravely neglected his duty.
"I agreed with my wife," said Ulair,
who is a shrewd Scotchman, " and told |
her that she must have an extra two
pounds a month. Now a twenty-live per
cent, advance would have meant five
pounds a month. Luckily Providence
I'a-Jiioncd women without an idea of
arithmetic."
Most of us looked as if wo wished
wo had thought of this admirable idea.
" My wife drew my attention to the
paper," said Greenwood loftily. "I did
not arguo tho point with her. Finance
is not woman's strong point. I rang
for the cook at once."
Everyone looked admiringly at the
hero who had dared to face his cook.
"I said to her,"continued Greenwood,
'"Cook, got the Stores price-list for
to-day and serve for dinner precisely
the things that have not advanced.
You understand? That will do.' So
\OH <ce the matter was settled. "
" Hi-, what did your wife say ? "
asked Perkins.
"Say! What could she say? Here
was tho obvious solution. And I have
noticed that women always lose their
heads in an emergency. They never
rise to tho occasion."
The next morning I met Greenwood
again,
"]>y the way," I asked, "did you
have a good dinner yesterday? "
Greenwood looked mo straight in the
oyes. There is a saying that a liar
cannot look you straight in tho eyes.
Discredit it. "Tho dinner was excel-
lent," ho replied. " I wish you had been
there to try it. And every single thing
at pre-war pi ices."
But that night I camo across Mrs.
Greenwood as she emerged from a Red
"I PITY THE PORE CHAPS THAT *AVEN'T GOT OUT 'EBB. LONDON STBLETS, THIS
TIME O' SEAB, WITH THE DRIZZLE AND SLUSH MUST BE AWFUL."
Cross working party
mufflers and mittens.
" Glad to hear these
loaded with
hard times
don't affect your household," I began
diplomatically.
Mrs. Greenwood smiled. " "What
has Oswald been telling you ? "
"Nothing, except that ho had an
excellent dinner yesterday."
" I wasn't there," said Mrs. Green-
wood; "I wont to my mother's. You
see, Cook conscientiously followed
Oswald's instructions. lie had sardines,
Worcester sauce, macaroni, and tinned
pork and beans. I can't make out quite
which of the two was the first to give
notice afterwards. Perhaps it was
what you call a dead heat. Only, un-
less Oswald shouted, ' Take a month's
• notice,' when he heard tho cook's step
in the ball, I am inclined to think that
Cook got there first."
Now in the train I recommend tinned
pork and beans with Worcester sauce
as a cheap and nourishing food in war-
time.
Greenwood says nothing but glares
at me. For once in bis life ho cannot
rise to the occasion.
Rural Intelligence.
" Wanted, an all-round Man (or bli
cows who can build and thatch."
The liugliy AJrcrli
Men we do not play billiards with.— I.
M. TAKE JONESCI".
7G
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JANUARY 27, 191-5.
UNWRITTEN LETTERS TO THE KAISER.
No. XIV.
(I-'i-o>n the (Iminl Duke NICHOLAS, Commander- in-Chief of
in our fighting. So far wo have once more foiled your
HINDKNBKBO'S attack on Warsaw. Wo have an earnest
hope that wo shall be able to make your troops highly
uncomfortable in the North, while towards the South wo
have been dealing quite faithfully with the Austrians. The
the Jlussiitn Armies.) | Caucasus is tilled 'with Turks "dead or (lying from our
'-MI:,-— It is pleasant in the midst of this welter of war to troops. As to Serbia — but I feel it would be scarcely
remember tlie days when your mvtion and mine were at poKto to mention this stiff-necked country. It must be
and when it was possible for each of us to inspect | galling for your ally to have to figlit a people so small in
the troops of the other without running the risk of having numbers but so great in their unconquerable resolution,
our heads blown oil' by gigantic shells fired at the distance Was it in order that Austrian troops might bo chased
. <Tal miles. What splendid reviews were those you headlong from Belgrade that you went to war?
I am, with all possible respect, your devoted enemy,
n.-cd to bold on the Temjielliofer Ft; Id ! What a feeling of
almost irresistible power was inspired by those solid
regiments manieuvring and marching past under the eyes
of their supreme War-lord ! I think the intoxication of that
sight was too great for you. You were not one of those
calm ones who can bo secure through the mere possession
of strength. You had it, but at last came a point when
you felt that it was all useless to you unless you employed
it. So you urged on Austria in her unhappy policy of
quasi-Bismarckian adventure ; you cast to the winds every
prompting of prudence and humanity; you imagined that
other nations, because they were slow to take offence,
could be bullied and hectored with impunity ; you flung
your defiance east and west, and in a moment of passion
made war against all those who had striven for peace, but
were not prepared to cling to it at the price of dishonour.
And thus began the disappointments which have settled
upon you like a cloud, i'or, after all, war is entirely
different from a review or from the most skilful peace"-
manocuvres. In manoeuvres everything can be comfortably
arranged beforehand. There are no bullets and no shells,
and at the end a Kaiser can place himself at the head of
niiiny thousands of cavalry and can execute a charge that
will resound for days through the columns of the news-
papers. But in war there is a real enemy who has guns
and bayonets and knows how to use them. All the colour
that fascinates a shallow mind has to be put aside.
There are deaths and wounds and sickness, and in
the endurance of these and in the courage that surmounts
all difficulties and dangers the dingiest regiment may make
as brave a show as those which used to practise the
parade-march over the review-field. I rather doubt if
you had thought of all this— now had you?
Moreover our Eussians, though they may look rough and
though you may accuse them of ignorance, are no whit
inferior to the most cultivated German professor in their
patriotism and in their stern resolution to die rather than
submit to defeat. They do not boast themselves to be
learned men, but, on the other hand, it is not they who have
made Louvain a city of ruins. They fight fiercely against
men who have arms in their hands, but they have not
executed innocent hostages, nor have they used warships
aud airships to massacre women and children. In these
particulars they are willing to grant you and your Germans
an unquestioned supremacy. If that he the civilisation to
which your philosophers and poets have brought you I
can only say that we shall endeavour to rub along without
such philosophers and poets; aud I must be" you not to
tempt to convert our Cossacks to your views. Being
implc folk and straightforward, they might resent violently
your cilorts irv .»,.,« *i,~ — ii._ i- , . . . .*•
Germans.
give them the enlightenment of the
All this sounds like preaching, and Heaven knows I do
t want to pi-each to you. You have hardened your
suppose you must go through this bitter
i to the end. Ix-t me rather tell you that, ron«h
1 unlearned as we are, we are making excellent
progress
NICHOLAS.
THE BREAKING POINT.
I HAD a tooth, a rag-bag, an offence,
A splintered horror, an abiding woe,
And after shameful months of diffidence
I brought it to the dentist, saying, " Lo !
Hero 's a defaulter in my squad of fangs :
Deal with him, please, and spare me needless pangs."
" Ah yes," he said, and jammed that rubber thing
(Does your man use it?) round the guilty toot!),
And, having gagged me, started gossiping
About the Germans' disregard for truth.
" Did you observe," he asked, " that last report ? "
" Urrup ! " said I, or something of the sort.
" How one admires our English troops ! " said he,
" Such hardy chaps ! (A leetle wider, please).
And isn't it a shameful thing to see
So many slackers lounging at their ease —
Young men who can and ought to go and servo ?
Shirkers ! " he added, gouging at a nerve.
Then he waxed wroth. " As for that Yarmouth job —
Why do such brutes exist, Sir? Tell me why !
They maim and mutilate, they burn and rob !
Kultur be blowed! " said ho. (" Gug-gug! " said I).
" My word, I 'd like to have a Uhlan now,
Here, in this chair!" "Woo-oosh!" I answered. "Ow!"
Thus for a dreadful hour he prattled on
And quarried, rooting in the sorest place.
Then he announced : " This tooth is too far gone;
Only extraction now can meet the case.
1 'in sure you 'd love to show your British pluck,
And here 's your chance ; some chaps have all the luck ! ''
Yes, he said that, and I could stand no more.
Crushed as I was aud anguished and half-dead,
I wrenched his gag out, kicked it round the floor,
And threw the tattered remnant at his head ;
And, seeking barbed words, I found but one
That summed him up. " You are," I said, " a Hun ! "
Mr. Punch's "Notice."
The Treasurer of The National Anti-vivisection Society
writes to complain that we spoke last week of "The Anti-
vivisection Society," when we were referring to "The
British Union for the Abolition of Vivisection." He protests
that his Society "does not enjoy being confused with the
British Union in this manner," and concludes by saying:
" It is hard on us to bo given no credit by Mr. Punch for
being reasonable people and for refraining from this
particular agitation,"— the agitation, that is, against tho
anti-typhoid inoculation of our troops.
DOING HER BIT.
I,(nly (about to pureltase military heculyear, to luir husband). "I KNOW IT'S MOIIE EXPENSIVE THAN TUE OTHERS, DEAR, BUT — WELL,
you SEE, YOU 'BE TOO OLD TO ENLIST, AND I UKALLY FEEI. WE OUGHT TO DO SOMETHINO!"
BY THE SEA.
" JOLLY good luck," Miss
TILLEY used to sing, " to Uio girl who
loves a soldier ! " The sentiment is
not less true to-day than when, too
long ago, the famous male impersonator
lirst uttered it. But there is no need
to ho actually the warrior's lover. To
he his companion merely on a walk is
lo reap benefits, too, as I havo been
observing on the promenade of
(a marine town whose name is, for
tactical reasons, suppressed). At —
the girls whoso good fortune it is to
have for an acquaintance a lieutenant
or captain havo just now a great
time, for the town lias suddenly become
a veritable Chatham, and the promenade
is also a Champ d<: Mars. All the week
it is the scone of military evolutions, a
thought too strenuous for the particular
variety of jolly good luck of which
I am thinking ; hut then; 's a day
\\hich comes betwixt the Saturday and
Monday when hard work gives way
to rest, and then !
For then this promenade, two or three
miles long, is thronged by the military
— privates, usually in little bands of
threes and fours, and officers, mostly
accompanied by pretty girls. And the
demeanour of some of the younger of
these officers is a great deal better
worth watching than the sullen winter
sea or the other more ordinary objects
of the seaside. For they _are there,
some of them (bless their hearts !), for
the pleasure of being saluted, and their
pretty friends enjoy the reflected glory
too. Some high-spirited ones among
the satellites even go so far as notice-
ably to count the salutes which a walk
yields. And I daresay they pit their
bag against those of others. Their
heroes probably vote such a com-
petition bad form, and yet I doubt if
they are really deeply resentful, and I
guess that the young ROBERTS and
the young WOI.BELBY and the young
WELLINGTON all passed through similar
ecstasies when they were first ga/ettcd.
It was while walking behind one such
happy little group that I made the dis-
covery— a discovery to me, who am
hopelessly a civilian, but no new tiling 1
daresay to most people — that the salut-
ing soldier must employ the hand
which is farthest away from the officer
whom he is saluting, and that is why
some use the right and some the left—
| a discrepancy which plunged mo into
I the gravest fears as to Lord KITCH-
ENKH'S fitness to control our army,
until I realised the method underlying.
1 noticed too that there is a good deal
of difference both in saluting and in
acknowledging salutes, and I overheard
the fair young friend of one lieutenant
adjuring him to be a little more genial
in his altitude to the nice men who
were bringing their arms and hands up
with such whipcord tenseness in his
honour.
"On another occasion one of our officers
was pursued by an albatross which succeeded
in crossing our linci."
Victoria, rally Colonist.
Joy of the .indent Mariner on hearing
that his King and Country want him.
78
cm TIIK LOXDO.V CHATHYAKI.
[JANUARY 27, 191. j.
AT THE PLAY.
" KINGS AND QVKF.XS."
us '1'noMAs CAKLYLK, out. of his
pressed upon us with fearless reitera- • ality, filled his familiar role of amicus
tion, was always outside the grasp|c«rt<z; a man of sixty and much
of my intelligence. Neither of her ; dalliance in the past, but with his
parents seemed to share my hope that ! heart — what was left of it — in the
superior knowledge of the proletariat, they might possibly live to beget other j right place. His facial growth (a little
informed us that, if you pricked it, it offspring, including even a male child, i in the manner of Mr. MADKICE HEW-
woiild Lire,!, BO Mr. "llruoLF BEsir.it,1 Lastly, there was a vagrant trouba- ' I.F.TT) suited him well -far better in-
fortilied by intimacy with Court life, 'dour with a gift for the pianoforte. ; deed than the frock coat of the final
confides to us on the programme (in Tie was called Trince Louis, and j Act. Ho was admirable throughout
tion) that Rings and Queens "have firmly held the opinion that he alone (except in one rather stuffy homily
live lingers on each hand and take their appreciated the Queen's qualities and, where he was not quite certain of his
M'gidarly." But unless we .are to could offer her a suitable solace. He j own views); but I could have done with
get a little sacrilegious fun (such as had his simple dramatic uses, and by
Captain MAKSHALI, gave us) out of the an elopement (as innocent, on her part,
contrast, between the human nature of as it was arbitrary) enabled the lady
Ki unities and the formalities which to return to the arms of her desperate
govern them as by divine
right, there is not much object
in raising a vulgar domestic
scandal to the dignity of Court
circles. True, the higher
claims of kingship did enter
into the question in the case
of J'ichard VI II., whose heart
was baclly torn between his
duty to his people and his
passion for liis wife; but for
the rest, and apart from the
mere properties (human or
inanimate) of a royal palace,
we might have been concerned
with an ordinary middle-class
interior complicated by a resi-
dential mother-in-law.
The causes of the misunder-
standing (partially shared by
myself) between the King and
his Consort were some four or
five. There was the Dowager
Queen— a constant obsession
— who stood for the extreme
of propriety. She ought, of
course, to have had a palace
her own. There was the
much more of those lighter phases in
which lie excels. It was the same with
the pleasant humour of Miss FUANCKS
IVOK as the Queen-Mother, which was
NOBLESSE OBLIGE.
to his
King Iticluird VIII. (Mr. 'Aimirit WONTNKR),
-.-• mother, Queen Elizabeth (Miss FRANCES "~
young King, upon whom she AWAY FROM ME, OR I SHALL KILL HER!"
rigorously imposed her own Kmperor Frederick IV. (]
standards of living. There was SOMETHING MUST BE DONE. YVK CAX'T I-KRMIT MATIUCIDE AT THE
the young Queen with a harm-
sadly curtailed. Miss MARIE
LOHU played the young Queen
with extraordinary sincerity,
notably in one of the many
scenes in which she lamented
her lost child. 1 Here, if this
tedious baby had not failed to
touch my imagination, I must
have been honestly moved. If
we suffered any doubt as to the
reality of her grief, this was
duo to the disturbing beauty
of the frocks in which she
gave utterance to it. Anyhow
they totally failed to support
the charge of dowdiness which
had been freely brought againsl
the Queen- Mother's regime.
Finally, that native air ol
frank loyalty which Mr. BEN
WEBSTER'S gifts as an actor
are impotent to 'disguise gave
the lie to bis thankless pail
as Prince Louis. Nor did the
superiority of his morning-coat
go well with the sinister touch
of melodrama in his set
speeches. The villain of the
piece should not have been
" ^UT? TUT ! l^us rolJa^sle <lllc le roi, who
was content to wear a lounge
^ — ° l — ' sertro suit
the natural gaiety of youth, (husband, for whom it appears that'' If Mr. BESIEB'S play achieves the
ure for the i she had always entertained a profound 'popular favour of which, as i under-
adbration. What they all really sland.it has already secured the promise,
needed for the correction of their little it will not be on account of its intrinsic
egoisms was a Big War. That is ' merits, though it has its goo:! points ; it
the only lesson that I could draw ! will be due in part to the excellencs of
from Mr.- BESIER'S play, and I don't | the performance, and in part to that
believe ho meant me to draw even that. I innocent snobbery which is latent in
| Such originality as it offered was to j the typical British bosom.
jo found in the soul of the young I ought to add that I think I asked
by
wearing of the purple, ehe had been | adoration.
taken from n nice country home, where
there were birds and flowers and moun- ; egoisms was
tains. She kept saying to herself : —
" Mid pleasures and palaces though I imy
,
1 '• they never so regal, I 'd rather go home."
But, since shs couldn't do that, she
oug o a a n ase
i 1 to HP^ }1 ' T f,°r ,Kl"?'.wltl! its distraction between twS ' Mr. BESIER long ago to try and make
;nt to cliooso ber own fnnnrin llnvnlf.ioa- ;ta /iaonr.;,.;nn «».,..:_i:_._ n. _i I _ i ,, , ,. J , ,,
Well,
to Choose her own friends, j loyalties; its despairing conviction that j a" better "how To his audience.'
:an Mar- ! virtue as its own reward was not good he hasn't paid any attention to n.y
I a record that her enough ; its threatened rebound to the request, OS
to bo deleted from the list of primrose paths which his father of'
-onimanded to the State Ball. I never -to -be -forgotten memory had
was greatly disappointed not to meet trodden before him. Mr. AICTHL-U
ion there was a n.yal female Jn- 1 WOSTNKI: looked the part and plaved
t (deceased), who should of course i it with a yr— — --1 -1' -'•
have be:>n a boy. Her contribution
to the general discomfort, thouga i penal uncle, of no particulaV nation- local 01^.'
WOULD VAM.H-S TOII.KT Cisrvi
IMI'UOVl'.S TIIK COMI'LKXION
^ . or ALL LOCAL C'MKMISTS AND STOUT..-*."
very quiet dignity. I We do not worry about the complexion
GROUCIE ALEXANDER, as an im-'of the Stores but we are glad for the
JANUARY 27, 1915.]
PUNCH. OK TIIK LONDON CHAIMVAIM.
79
Officer (to trooper, wlwm he lias recently had occasion to reprimand severely).
Trooper. "I THOCHT ME AN" YOU WISNA' on SPEAKIN' TEB-RMS THE NOO.'
'WHY DID YOU NOT SALUTE?"
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)
I CONFESS that I was at first a little alarmed by the title
of Friendly Russia (FISHER UNWIN). A book with a name
like that, with, moreover, an "introduction" — and one by
no less a person than Mr. II. G. WELLS — seemed to threaten
ponderous things, maps probably, and statistics and un-
pronounceable towns. Never was there a greater mistake.
What Mr. DENIS GARSTIN has put into his entertaining
pages is simply the effect produced by a previously unknown
country upon the keen and receptive mind of a young man
who is fortunately able to translate his impressions into
vigorous and picturesque language. I have met few travel
books so unpretentious, none that gives more vividly the
feeling of "going there oneself" that must be the final test of
success. The last few years have made a happy change in
the popular English conception of Russia. Even before the
War, our old melodramatic idea, that jumble of bombs and
spies and sledge-hunting wolves, had begun to give place to
a slightly apologetic admiration. Now, of course, we are
all Bussophil; but for the understanding proper to that
love there can be no better introduction than Mr. GABSTIN'S
pleasant book. Spend with him a happy summer by the
waters of the Black Sea ; share, along with his humour, his
appreciation of that life of contented simplicity, where easy-
going and hospitable families are ruled by the benevolent
despotism of equally easy-going domestics (0 knouts, O
servitude !), where the casual caller " drops in " for a month
or more, and where everyone knows everything about every-
body and nobody minds. By way of contrast to this, the
latter part of the book contains, in " Russia at War," some
chapters of an even closer appeal. You will read here, not
unmoved, of how that terrible week of suspense caine upon
the soul of a people, of the fusion of all discordant factions
into one army intent only upon the Holy War. There is
encouragement and a heartening certainty of triumph in
this that should be an unfailing remedy for pessimism.
None of your confounded subtleties and last cries in Mrs.
Latham's Extravagance (CHAPMAN AND HALL). An unvar-
nished tale, rather, fashioned according to the naive
method of simple enumeration and bald assertion, with
such subsidiary trifles as characterisation left to the
I discretion and imaginative capacity of the reader. Chris-
lopticr Sheffield, an artist, post-cubist brand, married his
I model, a dipsomaniac as it happened. Whereupon he
implored Katherine to share his life, which, to keep him
from going down -hill, she very generously did, it being
explicitly understood that she was to have the reversion
of Mrs. Sheffield's marriage lines. Christopher, however,
becomes infatuated with the widow Latham — who had
j married a rich old gentleman for his money, while in love
I with Lord Ronald Eckington, then the penniless fourth son
of a marquis, now the celebrated and well-paid photographer,
"Mr. Lestocq " — so that when Sheffield's model wife dies,
he, instead of doing the right thing by Katherine, suggests
settling the matter on a basis of five-hundred or (at a push)
five-fifty a year. Naturally she draws herself up very cold
and proud and refuses the compensation. And then, with
80
ITNCII, OK THK LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JANUAIiY 27, 1915.
a hardihood and success which nothing in this ingenuous
narrative sufficiently explains, the Honourable Larinia
FAlintcn, L«rtl 1,'oiuiltl and the extravagant Mrs. Latham
rush in to patcli up the Christopher- Katherinc alliance.
I don't suspect Mr. THOMAS Conn of thinking that people
really do tilings quite like this, hut probably he found
that his characters took the hits between their teeth — as
they well might. Lord Honald's share in the transaction
seemed particularly gratuitous. I can only think that
since moving in photographic circles he had discarded his
high patrician polish in favour of a distinctly mat surface.
He didn't marry the widow Latham because ho hated the
thought of touching old man Latham's money. She, dis-
covering this, disposed of the whole of it in a few months
of gloriously expensive living and giving. This, by the
way, was her " Extravagance," which of course brought
the happy ending. 0, Mr. Conn !
The king of curmudgeons
could not complain when
Mrs. CONYEBS is described as '
"one of the most entertaining
hunting novelists of the day," •
but when Messrs. METHUEN
call her book (A Mixed Pack)
" a collection of Irish sporting
stories " I may at least be ;
allowed to wonder at the in- j
adequacy of their description.
For the fact of the matter !
is tbat a third part of this
volume, and by no means the j
worst part, is concerned with j
little Mr. Jones, a traveller \
in the firm of Amos and j
Samuel Mosenthal, who were j
dealers in precious stones and •
about as Irish and as sporting '
as their names suggest. Mr. •
Jones, in the opinion of the
Mosenthals, was the simplest
soul that they had ever '..
entrusted with jewels of great
value. Although the tales
of apparent simpletons who
outwit crafty villains are be-
At tlie War Office. " OH, PLEASE COULD YOU TELL ME HOW
TO FIND LORD KITCHENER'S BOOM? I WANT TO SEE HIM
PABTICCLABLY, AND I WON'T KEEP HIM LONG. Il 'S JUST TO
coming tedious ~hTthe7r"f re- 1 WBITE HIS FAVOURITE AUTHOB^ANDJ'LOWEBJN MYALBUM."
romantic and practically nothing that is repulsive. "There
is," the author says with engaging frankness,-" much that
is slow in whaling. On the whole there is more anxiety
than excitement, more labour than sport." Not for me is it
to contradict sucli an authority, but even granted that he is
right the fact remains that no one can justly complain of a
lack of excitement in these stories, though complaints may
legitimately be made that their pathos is sometimes allowed
to drop into sentimentality. " The Ilerr Professor — an In-
terlude " deserves an especial word of praise, for it proves
agnin that Mr. BELL, when not occupied in other directions,
can be simply and delightfully funny*
It must have happened to all of us to bo hailed by some
friend with the greeting, "I 've got the funniest story to tell
you ; it '11 make you scream," and to listen thereafter to
something that produced nothing but irritated perplexity.
Then, if the friend were a
valued one, with a record of
genuine humour, we would
perhaps evoke with difficulty
a polite snigger, and so break
fromtheencounter. Well, this
is very much what I cannot
: help feeling about The Phan-
tom Peer (CHAPMAN AND
HALL). I have had such
entertainment from Mr.
EDWIN PUGH in the past
that I prepared for this
• Extravanganza (his own
term) in a mood of smiling
: anticipation. But from the
'•• first page to the last it had
me beat. Fun is the last
subject in the world upon
: which one should dare to
• dogmatize ; and to others,
I more fortunate, the thing
! may bring laughter. I can
• only envy them. It is not
that I complain of the im-
possibility of the plot. Ex-
travaganza covers a multi-
quency, I can still congratulate Mrs. CONYEKS upon the
thrills and shudders that she gets into these stories of
robbery and torture. Not for a moment do I believe in
Mr. Jones, but for all that I take the little man to my
heart. As for the tales of sport, it is enough to say that
they are written with so much wit and verve that even I,
who am commonly suffocated with boredom when I have
to listen to a hunting story, found them quite pleasant to
read.
My expectations of enjoyment on opening The Whalers
LODDEB AND STouciHTON) were nil, for the tales of whalin«
which from time to time I have been compelled to listen
e produced sensations which can only be described as
Somewhere, somehow, I knew that brave
ked their lives in gaining a precarious livelihood
>m blabber, but I was more than content to hear no
further details either of them or their captures Let me
oknowtedge. then, that Mr. J. J. BELL has persuaded me
t my will, of the romance and fascination of the
ca ling. The twelve stories— or perhaps they ought
•fed sketches—in this book contain plenty that
tude of coincidences. When
Johnnie Slioltcr was per-
suaded to take the name and
personality of an imaginary Lord Countcrpound, I bore with-
out a murmur the immediate arrival on the scene of an actual
holder of that very title. It was the dreariness of the result-
ing muddle that baffled me. To make matters worse the
intrigue, such as it is, breaks off abruptly for several
chapters in the middle, to permit the introduction of what
appears to be an attempted satire upon forcible feeding. At
the end, one of the chief male characters turns out to be a
woman ; but as none of them was anything but a knock-
jointed puppet jumping upon ill-concealed wires the
transformation was just academically uninteresting. I am
sorry, Mr. PuaH, but even for your sake I can only say,
" Tell us a better one next time ! "
now
From the letter of an American restaurateur to a
arrival from England : — .
"I)KAii Siu,— Before I chef— one Italian noble family— now come
America— start the business my own— house top side this paper.
Everybody speaks it me. Lunches and Dinners worth two (2) times
I delighted preparation for you— no charge extra— only notification
few hours behind. I build for clientelle intellectual— they more
IS | appreciation my art."
.'i,
1'1'NCII. OK TIIK LONDON CHARIVARI.
81
CHARIVARIA.
prisoner in Germany got into serious ported to be a Quaker and opposed to
trouble for referring in a letter to the War on principle, and it is stated that
" CELERITY," said the Gorman CHAN- fact that ho was a member of the Burns the local recruiting committee has de-
CF.LLOH to our representative at Berlin ; Society. The authorities imagined this cided to respect the Mayor's conscien-
is essential to to be an incendiary association. tious scruples. Suggested motto for the
town, " Let Sunderland Quake."
on the eve of tho War,
us." It has, however, taken him over
livo months to discover what bo meant Those wideawake Germans have dis-
hy his " scrap of paper" speech. covered further evidence of a shortage
Speaking of the new Lord of Appeal,
of arms in our country. Attention is | a contemporary says, "Mr. Justice
As a substitute for tho International j being drawn in Berlin to tho fact that Hankes is noted for his pleasant
Hailway Time, Table Conference, Ger- tho London County Council has do- : appearance, and for tho fact that he
many has invited Norway, Sweden, cided to defer the proposal to have a j has never been known to raise his
"coat -of -arms until the conclusion of
Denmark, Austria, Switzerland and
Italy to a joint conference to be held i the War. $ ^
on February 3rd. Certainly something j
will have to bo done for tho KAISER'S WehearthatMr.WiNSTONCHUncmu.
Time Tables. They have been most ! is delighted at the success of his ex-
unsatisfactory ever since the outbreak
of the War.
voce." Ho does not, in fact, belong
to the firm of Bankes and Brays.
# •-:-.
As a result of the War there is a
famine in glass, and prices are up
- ~ . *** . .«-•
HOCH AYE!
SCENE : A lonely part of the Scottish Coast.
German Spy (who has been signalling and suddenly notices that
he is being watched). "NELN! NEIN! NEVER SHALL YOU LAND ON
MY BELOVED SHCOTCHLAND 1"
A German paper reports
that the KAISKH is in ex-
cellent health now, and
that his girth has distinctly
increased during the War.
His patriotic countrymen
must bo delighted at this
fresh extension of Kaiser- i
turn. ... ...
1 ::•. '
The omission of the GER-
MAN KMPEKOR to send a tele-
gram of condolence to KING
VICTOR EMMANITKL on the
occasion of the earthquake
has called forth severe com-
ments in Italy. The KAISER
is said to have been anxious
to create the impression
that he sent the earthquake
himself as a caution.
* *
*
KNVER PASHA is said to
have now returned to Con-
stantinople. His place in tho Egyptian , mises to have a greater run even than
Expeditionary Force will, it is thought, ] Mr. ASQUITH'S " Wait and see." For-
bo taken by REVERS PASHA.
The EX-KHEDIVE'S war-cry : " Geneva
for the Egyptians ! "
* ,*
"The GERMAN EMPEROR," said Gen-
eral VON KHESSENSTEIN, the other day,
in a speech to Turkish oflicers and
men, " is a sincere father to Islam."
This statement was very necessary as
many Turkish soldiers-, judging by their
experience of German oflicers, had
imagined that the KAISER was Islam's
stepfather. # ...
Articles entitled " Unscr llass gegen
England," Mr. VALENTINE WILLIAMS
tells us, continue to appear in the Ger-
man Press, and a dear old lady writes
to say that she presumes the Hass in
question is tho KAISER.
-.:: *
We are sorry to hear that a Scotch
pression, "tho baby- killers," which [nearly 100 per cent. Here surely
has taken on so wonderfully and pro- ; is a Heaven-sent chance for the Crystal
| Palace to turn itself into
' a financial success.
The strike of Billingsgate
\ fish porters was, we hear,
! settled in the nick of time.
The men were just begin-
ning to brush up their
language.
The Chicago Tribune as
quoted in The Sunday
Times : —
" ' C'est incredible! ' remarked
the thorough Parisian."
"Pas demi," we retort in
our best London accent.
jtunately in these times there is no
jealousy between politicians.
# $
The Observer is wondering whether,
in view of the threat of Zeppelin raids,
we are taking sufficient precautions in
regard to our national treasures. It
may relieve our contemporary to know
that at least one post -impressionist
has removed all his works to a secret
destination in the country.
During a recent aerial attack on
Dunkirk some bombs, we are told,
set fire to a woollen warehouse. This
just shows the danger of construct-
ng
a warehouse of such inflammable
material. .
'"*"'
The War Office, The Express tells us,
recently requested the borough of
Sunderland to raise a brigade of field
artillery. The Mayor, however, is re-
" The Secretary of the Admir-
alty makes the following an-
nouncement : —
Uoodg for his Majesty's ships
which have hitherto been sent
by mail, addressed 'Care of
Naval Store Officer, Dingwall,'
should in future be addressed
' Care of Naval Store Officer, Dngwall.' "
Scarborough Daily I'ott.
We obey reluctantly.
A THOUSAND STEONG.
A THOUSAND strong,
With laugh and song,
To charge the guns or line a trench,
We marched away
One August day,
And fought beside the gallant French.
A thousand strong,
But not for long ;
Some lie entombed in Belgian clay ;
Some torn by shell
Lie, where they fell,
Beneath the turf of La Bassee.
But yet at night,
When to the tight
Eager from camp and trench we throng,
Our comrades dead
March at our head,
And still we charge, a thousand strong !
VOL.
82
IT NCI I, Oil TIIK LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEBRUARY 3, 1915.
MOSES II.
(To the Ncu- Lord of Islam.)
Hi', led the Chosen People forth;
Over tho lied Sea tramped their legion* ;
They wandered East, they wandered North
Through very vague and tedious regions,
Ploughing a lot of desolating sand
Before they struck the Promised Land.
And you, who play so many parts,
And figure in such fancy poses,
Now, poring over Syrian charts,
Dressed for the character of MOSES,
In spirit lead your Turks, a happy band,
Bound for another Promised Land.
Promises you have made before;
And doubtless your adopted Boschea
Deemed the Canal would lend its floor
To pass them through without goloshes,
As though it were a segment of tho dry
Peninsula of Sinai.
And when they feared to lose their way
You answered them with ready wit: "Oh!
You '11 have a pillar of cloud by day,
And through the night a fiery ditto,
But never said that these would be supplied
By airmen on the other side.
Nor did you mention how tho sun
Promotes a thirst in desert places,
Nor how their route was like to run
A little short of green oases,
Because tho wells that glad the wanderer's sight
Have beon removed by dynamite.
Nor did you let the Faithful guess
That, on the Pentateuch's own showing,
Israel found the wilderness
Took forty years of steady going ;
And after two-score summers, one would think,
Even a camel wants a drink.
And you yourself, if still alive
And not transferred (we '11 say ?) to heaven,
Would by the date when they arrive
Have touched the age of 97,
And scarcely be in quite the best condition
To share their labour's full fruition.
Come down, O fool, from Pisgah's heights,
Where, stung by Furies misbegotten,
You counterfeit Mosaic llights,
Aching for Egypt's corn and cotton ;
Think how it makes the local fellah smile
To hear your Watch upon the Nile ! O. S.
The Scramble.
"Near Bir Muhadata a British hydroplane dropped a bob on a
lurkish column, inflicting loss."— Mancliester Guardian.
In the mad rush made by the always unpaid Turkish troops
to secure this godsend, there were many casualties.
The Journalistic Touch.
''This was on tho morning of January 2, and Grail had had no
d and only a little water since the morning of December 31 of
the previous year.— Reuter."— Daily Chronicle.
The italics represent our own endeavour to assist the picture.
GERMANY'S WAR STRENGTH.
DEAB Mr. Punch, — I cannot for the life of me understand
why your contemporaries should be in such difficulties over
the above question or how it is that they arrive at such
diverse estimates. The elements of tho problem are perfectly
straightforward. I worked it out on the back of my ticket
in the Tube last night, and as there can be no doubt
whatever about my conclusions I think they ought to
be published.
The present population of Germany for popular purposes
(as they always say) is 70,000,000. All the evidence goes
to show that tho war is still popular in Germany, or parts
of it, so wo may accept that figure. Very well. Of these,
33,000,000 are males. It seems a good many, but we shall
soon begin to whittle it down. By examining tho figures of
the different " ago groups " we find that fully five million
of these are under the age of seven and as quite a number
are over sixty and others are incapacitated — wo have no
space to enter into all these complicated calculations here —
we shall not bo far wrong if we deduct at the outset about
21,175,000 under these heads. This leaves us in round
figures twelve million.
We now come to tho question of losses up to date ;
and hero we must proceed with caution, for it is above all
important to be on the safe side. The present German
losses are computed by the best authorities at about two
million, from all causes, up to 3 P.M. on the 13th ult.
From this we must deduct, however, all those who, after
being wounded, have returned to the firing-line — say, half
a million. Also all those who, having been vyounded a
second time, have returned to tho front,— say, three hundred
thousand. Also all those who have been three times
wounded and have still gone back to fight — say, fifty
thousand.
Then again we must remember those who have been
invalided home and recovered, and those who have been
missing and are found again. And there are the men who
have been erroneously reported as prisoners, owing to the
Germans' incorrigible habit of exaggerating the number of
their own troops who have fallen into the enemy's hands.
After all these deductions we may safely put the revised
German losses at 750,000. This should be taken off the
twelve million eligible; but it would, I think, be wise (in
order to keep always on tho safe side) to add it on. This
gives us 12,750,000. Very well. .
But the industries of the country must be carried on.
There are the railways, agriculture, mining. Let us say
five million for these. There are those great industries
without which a nation cannot wage war ; for instance, the
makers of Iron Crosses (100,000), the custodians of ships
retained in harbour (50,000), the printers of picture-postcards
(50,000), the writers of Hate-hymns, besides sundry makers
of armaments and things.
Counting all these in and keeping on the safe side and
dealing only with round figures for popular purposes we
may conclude that anything from one to nine million must
be deducted from our last figure to arrive at a final esti-
mate.
To sum up, Germany's war strength cannot be more
than three million or less than eleven. This gives us a
clear idea of what we have to face.
I enclose my card in case you should think me an amateur,
and have the honour to remain,
Yours faithfully, STATISTICIAN.
Men we do not introduce to the Duke of WESTMINSTER
I. — The German Minister of Finance : Dr. HELFFEKICH.
PUNCH. Oil T1IK LONDON CHARIVARI.- FKIIKUAUY 3, 1015.
THE RETURN OF THE RAIDER.
KAISER. "WELL. I AM SUEPRISED!"
TIKPITZ. "SO WERE WE."
l<'i,r,i:r.\KY 3, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THH LONDON' CII.MMV.MM.
85
WAR COMPUNCTION.
"I SUITOSK wo can't motor over to
Folwick, lunch at 'Tho (leorgo,1 and
play a round of golf?" said tlic
Reverend Henry.
" Not without feeling rather — well,
rotters and outsiders," said Sinclair
regretfully.
" At least wo couldn't of course go in
the big car," said I, " and wo should lie
almost bound to have lunch at that
little tea-shop, and it wouldn't do to
play a whole round of golf."
" It is rather a nice point," said
Henry, " what one can do in War time
without feeling that one is stamping
oneself. Sinclair here was shooting
pheasants a fortnight ago."
" Well, the birds were there, you
know," said Sinclair, " and it 's a rotten
slow business catching them in traps.
Besides, we sent them all to the Bed
Cross people."
" The weak spot about golf," said the
.Reverend Henry, "is that there's no
way of sending the results to the Red
Cross. There 's really no other earthly
reason why one shouldn't play. There 's
every reason why one should, but "
" I haven't played since the War
began," said I.
" Nor I. But I have a notion that
if one played without caddies and with
old balls "
" Or got a refugee for a caddy and
grossly overpaid him," Henry put in
hopefully.
" I know what you want, Sinclair,"
said I. " I know perfectly well what
you want. You would like to play
golf, but you wouldn't feel comfortable
unless you had a notice pinned to your
back in some such terms as these —
' THIS MAN, THOUGH HE MAY NOT LOOK
IT, IS OVER 38 ; HE IS ALSO MEDICALLY
UNFIT. IlE HAS TWO BROTHERS AND A
NIOl'HEW AT THE FRONT. HE HAS MORE
THAN ONCE TAKEN THE CHAIR AT RE-
CRUITING MEETINGS AND HE IS ENTER-
TAINING SEVEN BELGIANS. HE HAS
ALKEADY SENT THREE SWEATERS AND A
1'AIIt OP SKI SOCKS TO THE FLEET.
THIS IS THE FIRST HOLIDAY HE HAS
HAD FOR THREE MONTHS, AND HE IS
NOW PLAYING A ROUND OF GOLF.' Then
you would feel all right."
" Yes, in your case, Sinclair, it is
merely moral cowardice," said Henry.
" But it 's queer about golf. Every
one admits that billiards is all right,
and — I think — Badminton."
" Well, perhaps I am a hit over-sen-
sitive," said I, " but I 'in bound to say
that even if I were playing billiards in
a public placa at present 1 should feel
h.ippier if 1 used the butt end of the
cue."
" Tho problem seems to be closely
I
"YES, SIR, THESE ZEPPELIN RAIDS — WORDS CAN'T DESCRIBE 'EM. THEY'RE — WELL, '
IF I MIGHT COIN A WORD, SlB — I THINK THEY 'HE 'ORRIDLE I "
allied," said the Reverend Henry, " to
the problem of Sabbath observance
when I was a child. We were very
strict in our household. We were not
allowed to play games of any sort on
Sunday so long as they were played
according to the accepted rules; but
we discovered after a time that if we
played them wrong no one objected.
Wo should certainly have besn punished
for playing tennis with a tennis racquet,
but if we played with a walking-stick
or the flat side of a pair of bellows
there was not the slightest objection."
"That's what I feel like," said
Sinclair. " I don't want to do the old
things in the old ways."
" We never have people to dinner
now," said I, " but we have shoals to
lunch."
" It is all deplorably illogical," said
the Reverend Henry. " But so long
as one has a sense of decency it seems
impossible to scorch about in a motor
bulging with golf clubs."
" Quite impossible. I propose that
we get Mrs. Henry to make us some
sandwiches and go for a long walk."
It was at this juncture that the
morning papers came in with the news
of the battle cruiser victory in the
North Sea . . . We had a fine run
across the moor in the big car, an
excellent lunch at "The George," and
managed to get in two rounds before it
was dark.
86
PUNCH, Oil TIIK LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEBRUARY 3, 1915.
ON THE SPY TRAIL.
n.
FKOPLE don't always know
."Jimmy's clog is a bloodhound.
that
One
man said it was a Grout Scott — at least
that is whnt ho said when he saw it.
You see, when it is pensive, it some-
times looks like a spaniel and sometimes
like an Airedale — or it would if it
hadn't got smooth hair and a bushy tail
which curls. Jimmy was undecided
for a long time what to call it.
The milkman said Jimmy ought to
call it "For instance," and then people
would know what it was for. The
milkman thought of a lot more names
before a week was over, for Jimmy's
bloodhound tracked down a can of his
milk and lapped it up. It
is a very good lapper. It
lapped so hard that Jimmy
had to pull the can off its
head. Jimmy said it was
the suction and that all
good bloodhounds were like
that.
A man stopped Jimmy
in the street and asked him
if that was tho dog that
tracked down the German
spy to his lair. Jimmy
said it was, and the man
was very pleased : he patted
the bloodhound on the head
and said, "Good old Faith-
ful!"— just like that.
Jimmy showed him the
pork-butcher's shop where
he did it, and the man said
if Jimmy would wait a
minute he would go and
buy the dog some German
fruit. Jiuimy said the man 1
he made sure it was a German until lie
saw it.
Tho goat was having its tea on the
far
seen
side of tho lield. Jimmy hadn't
the goat before, so ho loosed
Faithful at it. Faithful bounded to-
wards the goat very hard at first, and
then stopped and began to deploy.
Jimmy said tho goat was very sur-
prised when it saw Faithful and jumped
three feet into the air all at once.
Jimmy says Faithful makes things do
like that. You see Faithful was crawling
hand over hand towards it on the grass,
and the goat looked as if it expected
Faithful to go off suddenly.
Then the goat said " Yes ! Yes 1 "
several times with its head and began
to moo.
OUR SPECIAL VOLUNTEER RKSERYES.
Instructor. "CHANGE AEMS BY NUMBERS. ONE — TWO COME
ALONG, Sm ! WHAT ABE YOU PLAYING AT NOW? KEEP YOUB BANJO soixj
FOB THE DOMESTIC HEARTH."
bought a large kind of sausage which
had a red husk. He then stooped
down and said, "Good old chap, I
confer upon you the Order of the
Faithful Sausage, 1st class, and if
you catch another German spy I '11 give
When Jimmy's
you a season ticket."
bloodhound saw the
red sausage he
began to bay, and he hurled himself
upon it with much vigour, Jimmy says.
The man watched Jimmy's bloodhound
working, and he said, " Magna est
fidelllas et prevalebit," which he said
meant that " Old Faithful would down
the Germans every time."
Jimmy calls his bloodhound Faithful
now, and he is keener than ever on
catching another German spy.
Jimmy says he thought he was on
the track of one the other day. He
was walking down a road when
suddenly Faithful began straining at
tho leash, as if he scented one. But
it wasn't a German after all ; it was
a goat. It was in a field. Jimmy said
Jimmy said the goat must have been
winding up the starting handle, for it
suddenly slipped in the clutch and got
into top gear in five yards. It was a
flexible goat, Jimmy says. Faithful is
a good runner; it has a kind of side-
stroke action when it runs fast, and this
puzzled tho goat and made it skid a
bit on the grass.
Jimmy sat on the gate and watched
them. After five times round the field
the goat sat down and looked non-
plussed.
Jimmy knows all about goats ; he
knows what to do with them, and he
showed me. He got it so tame that it
would feed out of your hand. It ate
half a newspaper one day and it made
it very fiery. Jimmy said it was the
War news. We were trying to harness
it to a perambulator Jimmy had bor-
rowed. Jimmy said it had to havo a
bell on its neck so that people would
know it was coming, just like the Alps.
Jimmy said goats could jump from
one Alp to tho other, and they always
did that in Switzerland and it sounded
very pretty in the evening.
I hadn't got a little bell that tinkled
so I. brought the dinner bell, and wo tied
it on to the goat's neck with a rope.
Jimmy said it would make the goat
feel glad.
It took us a long timo to harness
the goat properly because it was so
fidgety. There wasn't much room in
tho cart, but we both managed to
squeeze in, and Faithful ran on in front.
The goat doesn't like Faithful; it has
an aversion to him when he bays.
Faithful knew the goat was coming
after him because he could hear the
bell.
There was more room for Jimmy
; when I fell out, but Faith-
ful kept straight in the
middle of the road doing
the side-stroke as hard as
ho could with botli hands.
I could hear the bell.
Jimmy said a horse and
trap climbed over the hedge
to let them pass. Tho man
in the trap said something
to Jimmy, but Jimmy
couldn't catch what he
said ; it was such a long
sentence. Jimmy said they
went into an ironmonger's
shop, all of them. Faithful
got there first. He deployed
amongst somo buckets
which were outside the
shop. So did tho goat.
The noise disturbed the
ironmonger. He took his
wife and children into the
cellar. Jimmy said it was
the noise that did it, and
the goat's face.
The ironmonger's wife told Jimmy
she had had a shock; she spoke to him
out of the cellar window. Jimmy says
she had a catch in her breath.
The goat didn't go back to the lield
very quickly ; it W7as because one of the
wheels was bent and the goat seemed
to have caught a hiccough. That was
because it ran so fast after eating the
newspaper, Jimmy says. He says all
goats are like that.
The goat won't eat out of Jimmy's
hand now ; whenever it sees Jimmy it
tries to climb a tree,
that the man who
A boy told Jimmy
owns the goat is
concerned about it, so Jimmy goes
hunting German spies with Faithful
down another road now.
The Two Bluchers.
A century since, joy filled our cup
To hear of BLUCHEB "coming up " ;
To-day joy echoes round the town
To hear of Ijliichcr going down.
3, 1915.]
1'UNOH, Oil TI1K LONDON CIIAIMVAIII.
87
IN ORDER THAT NO POSSIBLE MEANS OF INJURING ENGLAND MAY BE NEGLECTED, IT 18 UNDERSTOOD THAT THE CiKUMAN
PROFESSORS OF NECROMANCY AND WITCHCRAFT HAVE BEEN REQUESTED TO HAKE THE BEST CSE OP THEIB MAGICAL POWERS.
ZEPPELIN DRILL.
I HAD often seen the little lady at
No. 4, but it is only lately that I have
discovered that there is in her the
makings of a General.
We found out about her strategic
dispositions in a roundabout way. Her
maid told the milkman, and in the
course of nature the news came to us.
Every night her maid carries into her
room a fur coat, a large pair of boots
and a coal-scuttle.
It is, of course, her preparation to
meet a Zeppelin attack.
Everybody is getting ready. Bul-
pitt's wife's mother, for example —
15nlpitt is my next-door neighbour — is
making him dig a bomb-proof hole in
the garden. Bulpitt thought there
might be some difficulty about getting
her into it. I pointed out that there
would be more difficulty in getting her
out — the hole is very deep. He said
ho didn't worry about that.
Two nights later we had a scare.
Every light went out along the road
and people were doing all kinds of safe
things. It turned out afterwards that
Stewart was testing his family Zep-
pelin drill, and fired three shots to
make it realistic. His wife then put I
the baby in the copper with the lid one
inch open. She herself stood beside
a certain wall which, according to
Stewart, could not be knocked down
because of the stresses and strains that
would be set up.
That was all very well for him ; the
only thing that went wrong was that a
little water had been left in the copper.
But what about poor Johnson, who
had to pile all the mattresses in the
coal-cellar ? He was awfully black and
angry when he found out.
And what about Carruthers, who
emptied a tire-pail on the drawing-room
fire, and had to explain a long muddy
pool to his wife, who is rather deaf and
hadn't heard the shots ?
As for Bulpitt's wife's mother, she
was in the pit for over an hour before
we hauled her out. The first time we got
her to the surface she gasped out, quite
smilingly, "'Now I know what it "s like
in the tren " and then she slipped
back with an oozy thud. The second
time she said, "I don't think they'll
come ag " The third time she said,
" I don't care if the Zeppel — And
when we did get her out she said nothing ;
at all, and I was sorry for Bulpitt.
Amidst all these scenes of confusion
little Miss Agatha at No. 4 stood at
attention in a fur overcoat and a big
pair of boots that would easily slip on,
with a coal-scuttle on her head to keep
off bombs. She stood there warm,
safe, and respectably clad, waiting till
the house crashed about her and the
time came to save herself.
I hate to think of the Zeppelins
coming ; but if they do come I hope
— how I hope ! — I shall be near No. 4
to see the indomitable little lady
emerge.
TEMPOEA MUTANTUB.
IN WALPOLE'S time, not over nice,
Each man was said to have his price;
We 've changed since then ;
For, if my daughter's word is fact,
The world to-day is simply packed
With " priceless " men.
Journalistic Candour.
' ' When a court-martial was opened for the
trial of two sergeants at Woolwich yesterday
one of the officers questioned the right of a
reporter to be present. . . . The reporter was
told to leave, which he did, after protesting
that an official shorthand note was an entirely
different thing from a newspaper report." —
Daily Chronicle.
KS
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
3, 1915.
A LETTER TO THE FRONT.
Mix. Jeremy looked up from her
knitting. " 1 want you to Jo some-
,hing for me," she said to her husband.
'• Anything except sing," said Jeremy
axily.
" It 's just to write a letter."
" lily clear, of course. The Complete
Letter-writer, by J. P. Smith. Chap-
ter V— 'Still Notes to Landlords '-
shows Mr. Smith at his best. 'Gossipy
Budgets, and should they be crossed ? '
—see Chapter VI. Bless you, I can
write to anybody."
" This is to a man you 've never met.
lie's a private at the Front and his
name is Mackinuon."
" ' Dear Mr. Mackinnon ' — that 's how
I should begin. Do we want to say
anything particular, or are we just try-
ing the new notepaper ? "
Mrs. Jeremy put down her work and
gave herself up to explanation. Private
Mackinnon was in a school friend's
husband's regiment, and be never got
any letters or parcels from anybody,
and the friend's husband had asked his
wife to ask her friends
" Wait a bit," said Jeremy. " We
shall want the College of Heralds in
this directly." He took out his pencil
and drew up a pedigree : —
School.
I
I
J.P.S.= Slrs.J.
Frit>nd=Oflicer.
I
Regiment.
I I I I I I I I I ,.
Mackinnon.
There you are. Now yon think it 's
J. P. S.'s turn to write to Mackinnon."
He drew a line from one to the other.
" Very well ; I shall tell him about
the old school."
" You do see, don't you ? " said Mrs.
Jeremy. " All the others get letters and
tilings from their friends, and poor Mr.
Mackinnon gets nothing. Katharine
wants to get up a surprise for him, and
she's asking half-a-dozen of her friends
to send him things and write him jolly
letters." She picked up the muffler she
had been knitting. " This is for him,
and I said you'd do the letter. You
write such jolly ones."
Jeremy threw away the end of his
cigar and got up.
"Yes, but what about?" he said,
running his hand through his hair.
" This is going to be very difficult."
"Oh, just one of your nice funny
letters like you write to me."
"Quite like that?" said Jeremy
earnestly.
" Well, not quite like that," smiled
Mrs. Jeremy; "hut you know what I
mean. He'd love it."
" Very well," said Jeremy, " we '11 see
what wo can do."
He withdrew to his library and got
;o work.
" My dear Mr. Mackinnon," ho wrote,
'the u-cathcr hero it perfectly beastly."
Ho looked at it thoughtfully and
.hen put it on one side. " We won't
destroy it," he said to himself, " because
\ve may have to come hack to it, but
at present we don't like it."
Hi; began another sheet of paper.
"My dear Mackinnon, who do you
think it is? Your old friend Jeremy
Vmith ! "
He murmured it to himself three or
'our times, crossed out " old " and put
new," and then placed this sheet on
the top of the other.
" My dear Mackinnon, yesterday the
Vicar "
" I knew it would he difficult," ho
said, and took a fourth sheet. Absently
he began to jot down a few possible
openings :—
" I am a Special Constable . . ."
"Have you read Mrs. Humphry
Ward's latest . . ."
"I hope the War icon' t last long . . ."
" Yes," he said, " hut we 're not
being really funny enough."
He collected his letters as far as they
had gone and took them to his wife.
" You see what will happen, darling,''
hesaid. "Mr. Mackinnon willread them,
and he will say to himself, ' There 's
a man called Jeremy P. Smith who is
a fool.' The news will travel down the
line. They will tell themselves in
Alsace that J. P. Smith, the Treasurer
of the Little Blessington Cricket Club,
is lacking in grey matter. The story
will get across to the Germans in some
garbled form ; ' Smith off crumpet,' or
something of that sort. It will reach
the Grand Duke NICHOLAS; it will
traverse the neutral countries ; every-
where the word will be spread that
your husband is, as they say, barmy.
1 ask you, dear — is it fair to Baby ? "
Mrs. Jeremy crumpled up the sheets
and threw them in the tire.
" Oh, Jeremy," she said, " you could
do it so easily if you wanted to. If
you only said, ' Thank you for being so
brave,' it would be something."
" But you said it had to be a ' jolly '
one."
" Yes, that was silly of me. I didn't
mean that. Just write what you want
to write — never mind about what I
said."
" Oh, but that 's easy," said Jeremy
with great relief ; " I can do that on my
head."
And this was the letter (whether he
wrote it on his head or not I cannot
say) :—
"MvDEAuMii. MACKINNON, — You are
not married, I believe, but perhaps you
will be some day when the War is over.
You will then get to know of a very
naddening trick which wives have.
You hand them a letter over the coffee-
pot beginning, ' Dear Smith, I saw a
ittle water-colour of yours in the
Academy and admired it very much.
The what-do-you-call-it is so well done,
and I like that broad effect. Please
accept an earldom,' — but, before they
read any of it at all, they turn to the
signature at the end and say, ' Why,
Jeremy, it's from the KING!' And
hen all your beautiful surprise is gone.
" Now I don't mention this in order
to put you off marriage, because there
is a lot more in it than letters over the
colt'ee-pot, and all the rest is delightful.
But I want to tell you that, if (as I
xpect) you are keeping the signature
of this letter for the surprise, you will
be disappointed. 1 am sorry about it.
I tried various signatures with a sur-
prise to them (you would have liked
my ' Hall Caine,' I think), but I decided
that I had best stick to the one I
have used for so many years, ' J. P.
Smith.' It will make you ask that
always depressing question, ' Who is
3. P. Smith ? ' but this I cannot help.
Besides, I want to tell you who he is.
" An hour ago he was sitting in front
of a tiro of logs, smoking a cigar. He
iad just finished dinner, so good a
dinner that he was congratulating his
wife on it as she sat knitting on the
other side of the fire. If he had a
complaint to make at all, it was perhaps
that the fire was a little too hot ;
perhaps when he went upstairs be
would find that a little too hot also
was the bottle in his bed. One has
these hardships to face. To complete
the picture, I ask you to imagine a door
closed rather noisily kitchenwards, and
an exclamation of annoyance from
Mr. Smith. He passes it off by ex-
plaining that he was thinking of the
baby rather than of himself.
"Well, there you have this J. P. Smith
person . . . and at the same hour what
was this man Mackinnon doing ? 1
don't know ; you do. But perhaps
you will understand now why I want
to say 'Thank you.' I know what
you will answer: 'Good Lord, I'm
only doing my job, I don't want to he
kissed for it.' My dear Mackinnon,
you don't understand. I am not very
kindly writing to you; you are very
kindly letting me write. This is my
birthday, not yours. I give myself the
pleasure of thanking you ; as a gentle-
man you cannot refuse it to me.
" Yours gratefully, J. P. SMITH."
" You dear," said Mrs. Jeremy.
" He '11 simply love it."
Jeremy grunted.
" If I were Mackinnon," he said, " I
should prefer the mufller." A. A. M.
FBBBUAOT 3,
PUNCH, 01! Till-: LONDON rilAIMVAl;!.
THE "KULTUR" CUT.
THERE is A STRONG PATRIOTIC MOVEMENT IN GERMANY TOWARDS A NATIONAL IDEAL IN TAILORINGS.
BEASTS AND SUPERBEASTS.
[A German zoologist has discovered in German New Guinea
a new kind of opossum to which ha proposes to give the
name of Dactylopsila Hindcnburgi.]
AT th& Annual Convention of tlie Fishes, Birds and Beasts,
Which opened with the usual invigorating feasts,
Tho attention of the delegates of feather, fur and fin
Was focussed on a wonderful proposal from Berlin.
The document suggested that, to signalise the feats
Of the noble German armies and the splendid German
fleets,
Certain highly honoured species, in virtue of their claims,
Should be privileged in future to adopt Germanic names.
To judge by the resultant din, the screams and roars and
cries,
Tho birds were most ungrateful and the quadrupeds like-
wise ;
And the violence with which they "voiced" their angry
discontent
Was worthy of a thoroughbred Hungarian Parliament.
The centipede declared he 'd sooner lose a dozen legs
Than wear a patronymic defiled by human dregs ;
And sentiments identical, in voices hoarse with woe,
Were emitted by the polecat and by the carrion crow.
The rattlesnake predicted that his rattle would be cracked
Before the name Bernhar,iii on to his tail was tacked;
And an elderly hyaena, famed for gluttony and greed,
Denounced the suffix Klucki as an insult to its breed.
Most impressive and pathetic was the anguish of the toad
When he found the name Lissaueri had on him been
bestowed ;
And a fine man-eating tiger said ho 'd sooner feed with
SHAW
Than allow the title Trcitschkci to desecrate his jaw.
But this memorable meeting was not destined to disperse
Without a tragedy too great for humble human verse ;
For, on hearing that Wilhelmi had to his name been tied,
The skunk, in desperation, committed suicide.
Count EEVENTLOW in the Deutsche Tarjeszcitung : —
1 It is an established fact that when our airships were, in order to fly
to the fortified place of Great Yarmouth, merely flying over other
places or cities, they were shot at from these places. It may bo
assumed with certainty that these shots, which were aimed at the air-
ships from below, hit them, and probably they wounded or even killed
occupants of the airships. This involves an English franc-tireur
attack, ruthlessly carried out in defiance of International Law and in
the darkness of the night, upon the German airships, which, without
the smallest hostile action, wanted to fly away over these places ...
The airship is a recognised weapon of war, and yet people in England
seem to demand that it shall regard itself as f.iir panic forthemurders
performed by a fanatical civil population, and shall not have the right
to defend itself."
By the offer of a princely salary, Mi: Punch has tried to
tempt Count REVKNTLOW to join the staff in Bouveric
Street. In vain. As the chief humorist of Central Europe he
feels that his services are indispensable to tho Fatherland.
90
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [FEBRUARY 3, 1915.
'On, MOTHER! HOW I WISH I WAS AN ANGEL ! "
'DARLING! WHAT MAKES YOU BAY THAT?"
'OH, BECAUSE THEN, MOTHER, I COULD DROP BOMBS ON THE GERMANS."
OVEKWOEK.
THE poets having indicated that they
were going to take a few moments off,
the words were free to stand at ease
also. They did so with a great sigh of
relief, especially one whom I recognised
by his intense weariness and also by
the martial glow on his features, his
muddied and torn 'clothes and the
bandage round his head.
" You 're ' war,' " I said, crossing
over to speak to him.
" Yes," he replied, " I 'm ' war,' and
I 'm very tired."
" They 're sweating you ? " I asked.
" Horribly," he replied. " In what-
ever they're writing about just now,
both poets and song-writers, they drag
me in, and they will end lines with me.
Just to occur somewhere and be done
with I shouldn't so much mind ; but
they feel in honour bound to provide me
with a rhyme. Still," he added medi-
tatively," there are compensations."
" How ?" I asked.
" Well," he said, " I find myself with
more congenial companions than I used
to have. In the old days, when I wasn't i
sung at all, but was used more or less
academically, I often found myself
arm-in-arm with ' star ' or ' far ' or
'scar,' and I never really got on with
them; We didn't agree. There was
something wrong. But now I get
better associates; 'roar,' for example,
is a certainty in one verse. In fact I
don't mind admitting I 'm rather tired
of ' roar,' true friends as we are.
" But I can see the poor young poetical
fellows' difficulty ; and, after all, I do
roar, don't I ? Just as my old friend
' battle ' here " — I bowed to his com-
panion— " is attached to ' rattle."
" Of course," he wont on, " I 'm
luckier than ' battle ' really, because I
do get a few other fellows to walk with,
such as ' corps ' — very often — and
' before ' and — far too often — ' gore ' ;
but ' battle ' is tied up to ' rattle ' for
the rest of his life. They 're inseparable
— 'battle' and 'rattle.' Directly you
see one you know that the other is
only a few words away. We call them
the Siamese Twins."
I laughed sympathetically.
" There 's ' cattle,' " I said, remem-
bering ' The War-song of Dinas Vawr.' "
"No use just now," said 'war.'
" ' Battle ' is the only rhyme at the
moment; just as General FRENCH has
his favourite one, and that's 'trench.'
If ' battle ' and ' rattle ' are like the
Siamese Twins, 'FRENCH' and 'trench'
are like Castor and Pollux. Now and
then the COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF makes
the enemy 'blench,' but for one ' blench '
you get a thousand ' trenches.' No, I
feel very sorry, I can tell you, for some
of these words condemned to such a
monotony of conjunction ; and really I
oughtn't to complain. And to have got
rid of 'star* is something."
I shook him by the hand.
" But there 's one thing," he added,
" I do object to, which not even poor
old ' battle ' has to bear, and that 's
being forced to march with a rhyme
that isn't all there. I have to do that
far too often ; and it 's annoying."
I asked him to explain.
" Well," he said, " those poets who
look forward are too fond of linking
me to 'o'er' — when it's 'o'er,' don't
you know (they mean ' over '). That 's
a little humiliating, I always think.
You wouldn't like constantly going
about with a man who 'd lost his collar,
would you ? "
I said that I shouldn't.
"Well, it's like that," he said,
" I am not sure that I would not prefer
I 'star' to that, or 'scar,' after all. They,
I at any rate, meant well and were gen-
tlemanly. But ' o'er ' ? No.
The new book for schools :
De Bello Jollicos."
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CIIA1UVAIU.— FKBBUAKY 3, 1915.
WHO FORBIDS THE BANDS?
[" A band revives memories, it quickens association, it opens and unites the hearts of men more surely than any other appeal can,
and m this respect it aids recruiting perhaps rnoro than any other agency." — Mr. RVDYAKD KIPLING at the Mansion House meeting
promoted by the Recruiting Bands Committee.'}
:;, l'Jl.0.]
PUNCH, OK Till-: LONDON ClI A IMYAKI.
THE AMATF.CH POLICEMAN.
FKIKND Robert, if mere imitation
1'lxpresscs one's deepest regard,
How oft has sucli dumb adoration
BMD shown on his beat by your hard ;
In dress, though tlie semblance seems
liollow,
How oft since my duties began
I IM \o I striven, poor "special," to follow
Tbo modes of tbe Man.
I liavo aped till my muscles grew rigid
Your air of Olympian calm ;
Have sougbt, when my framework was
frigid,
To " stand " it sans quiver or qualm ;
I bave also endeavoured to .copy
Tbo stealtbiest thud of your boot ;
And, with features as pink as a poppy,
Your solemn salute.
In vain. Every effort is futile,
And, while I am "doing my share"
To guard (after midnight) a mute isle,
Or tbe bit of it close by my lair,
'Tis perfectly plain that, although it
Is easy to offer one's aid,
The P.O., alas ! like the poet,
Is born and not made.
THE UNLIKELY DUKE.
THE proposal, made the other day at
the annual meeting of Lloyds Bank at
Birmingham, that a dukedom should be
conferred upon Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, in
recognition of his skilful handling of
the financial crisis, has aroused intense
interest both in Park Lane and in the
Welsh valleys.
Even among certain of tbe right
honourable gentleman's colleagues in
tbe Cabinet the idea meets with warm
approval.
There has not yet boon a meeting of
Dukes to consider how to deal with any
situation that may arise ; but there is
little doubt that their Graces arc keep-
ing a keen look-out, and it may be
expected that when the time comes
their plans will be found to be more or
less complete.
Down in Wales there is considerable
rivalry already concerning tbe title the
CHANCELLOR should take. A strong
local committee is being formed at
Criccieth to urge tbe claims of that
delightful resort ; but it may expect to
receive strenuous opposition from tbe
people of Llanpwllwynbrynogrhos, who
argue that, while Mr. LLOYD GEORGE'S
connection with their village may bo
slight, it would be highly desirable that
there should exist the obstacle of such
a name whenever the new Duke's
follow Dukes wished to refer to him.
Since it was at tbe annual meeting
of Lloyds Bank that the idea was put
forward, we are inclined to think that
Recruit (speaking of his late employer).
HAMMER TO KNOCK IT INTO YOUB 'BAD.' "
Friend. "Din 'E SAY THAT?"
Recruit. "YES, 'E DID. Bur I LET 'IM 'AVE IT BACK.
WELL TAKE MOItE THAN YOU TO DO IT 1 ' "
WANTS A COAL-
I EAYS, 'IT 'CD BLOOMING
whenever a title is required the CHAN-
CELLOR might select the "Duke of
Lloyds ; " and on the other hand, of
course, a bank professing such admira-
tion for Mr. LLOYD GEOHGH could not
pay a prettier compliment than by
styling itself " LLOYD GEORGE'S Bank.' '
We profoundly hope that there may
be no truth in the ugly rumour that
one of the CHANCELLOR'S servants, who
has been in the family for many years
and imbibed its principles, has declared
emphatically that it would bo against
her principles to serve in a ducal
household.
Needless to say there has been a
flutter among estate agents. Already
vast tracts of deer-forest in Scotland
have been offered at astonishing terms
to the proposed Duke, and these not
only comprise some of the finest
scenery in the British Isles, but afford
opportunity for thoroughly interesting
agriculturaLdevelopment.
Mr. LLOYD GEOUGE'S own views on
the whole subject were uttered in
i Welsh, and we have no doubt our
readers will quite understand that they
cannot be printed here.
Our Dumb Friends.
The tradition of strong language
established by our armies in Flanders
seems to be well kept up to-day, if wo
may judge by the following Army
Order issued at the Front: —
"Though on occasion it is necessary to tie
horses to trees, this should bo avoided when-
ever possible, as they arc sure to bark and
thus destroy the trees."
ill
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEBRUARY 3, 1915.
A TERRITORIAL IN INDIA.
respectfully point out that Army De-
partment
(A.B.C.),
letter
dated
No.
the
S.M.— 43822/19
12th December,
11)11, cancels Army Department letter
No. P. T. 58401/364 (P.O.P.), dated the
in.
MY DKAB Mr. Punch, — Although,
being no longer a soldier in anything
but name (anil pay), I pursue in India 5th November, 1914."
the inglorious vocation of a clerk, 1 j At his next visit to the Divisional
am nevertheless still in a position to Office lie writes back aga'n : — " . . .
perceive the splendid qualities of the '• Army Department letter No. S.M. —
British '
lulmirer
Officer. Always a humble ' 43822/19 (A. B.C.), dated the- 12th
of his skill and bravery in ' December, 1914, does not appear to have
the field, I have now in addition a been received in this office. Will you
keen appreciation of his imperturbable , be so good as to favour me with a
sangfroid when confronted with con- copy?"
ditions of great difficulty in the office.
I am working in the Banana (to
circumvent the Censor I am
giving it an obviously fictitious
name) Divisional Area Head-
quarters Staff Office, which is
situated in the town of
Suppose wo call it Mango.
There are four brigades in the
Banana Divisional Area, one of
of which is the Mango Brigade.
Now it so happens that the
General Officer Commanding
the Banana Divisional Area is
at present also the General
Officer Commanding the Man-
go Brigade ; consequently this is
the sort of thing which is always
happening. The G.O.C. of the
Mango .Brigade writes to him-
self as G.O.C. of the Banana
Divisional Area : " May I re-
quest the favour of a reply to my
Memorandum No. 25731/24/
Mobn., dated the 3rd January,
1915, relating to paragraph 5
of Army Department letter
No. S.M— 43822/19 (A.B.C.),
dated the 12th December, 1914,
which amplifies the Annexure
to Clause 271, Sjction 18 (c),
of A.B.I., Vol. XXIII. ? " Next
morning he goes into the Divi-
sional Office and finds himself
confronted by this letter. A mere civilian
might be tempted to take a mean ad-
vantage of his unusual situation. Not
so the British Officer. The dignified
traditions of the Indian Army must not
lightly be set aside. The G.O.C. of the
Brigade and the G.O.C. of the Divis-
ional Area must be as strangers for
the purposes of official correspondence.
So he writes back to himself: — " Your
reference to Army Department letter
No. S.M.— 43822/19 (A.B.C.), dated
the 12th December, 1914, is not under-
stood. May I presume that you allude
to Army Department letter No P T
58401 364 (P.O.P.), dated the 5th No-
rember, 1914, which deals with the
Annexure to Clause 271, Section 18 (c)
of A.K.I., Vol. XXIII. 1"
Later on ho goes to the Brigade
Office and writes — " ... I would
So it goes on, and our dual G.O.C.,
like the gallant soldier he is,
service," ho said, as I came up, " is the
awful hardship wo have to put up with.
When we were mobilised I ' didn't
anticipate that our path would be
exactly strewn with roses, hut I confess
I never expected this. I shall write to
The Times. The public ought to know
about it; " and ho settled himself more
deeply into his chair, blew out a cloud
of smoke, and with a resolute expres-
sion sipped his iced lemonade.
Mr. Punch, you will be pained to
hear that 1 have lost my hard-earned
reputation for sobriety through no
fault of my own. A few days ago I
Patriotic Old Person (to individual bespattered by passing
motor-bus). "THERE, YOUNQ FELLER! IT'D NEVER 'AVE
BIN NOTICED IP YOU'D BIN IN KHAKI !"
flinches from his duty, never swerves
by a Irair's-breadth from his difficult
course. This surely is the spirit which
has made the Empire.
But I expect you are weary of this
subject. Still, you must please not
forget that we are officially on active
service, and active service means
perhaps more than you people at home
imagine. Last Sunday, after tiffin, I
came upon one of my colleagues lounging
in an easy-chair, one of those with
practical extensions upon which you
can stretch your legs luxuriously. With
a cigarette between his lips and an iced
drink beside him, he sat reading a
magazine — a striking illustration of the
fine resourcefulness of the Territorials
in adapting themselves to novel con-
never! went up to the barracks to draw my
regimental pay, and found that
a number of articles of clothing,
issued by the Arn,y authorities,
had accumulated for me during
my absence — a pair of khaki
shorts, a grey flannel shirt with
steel buttons the size of six-
ponces, a pair of worsted socks
and three sheets (yes, sheets for
the bed ; so luxuriously do we
fare in India). Perhaps you can
guess what happened.
'.' Oh, by the way, have you
drawn your clothing?" asked
the Lieutenant, when he had
paid me.
" Yes, Sir," I replied.
"What have you got?"
" Sheets, shirt, shorts and
I shocks - - shots, sheeks and
shirks "
"That will do," he interrupted
sternly. " You had better come
to me again when you are in
a condition to exp'ress yourself
clearly."
Thus easily is a reputation
acquired by years of self-con-
trol destroyed by the pitfalls
of our native tongue.
On the other hand, some,
people have enviable reputa-
ditions.
What
I object to about active
tions thrust upon them. This is the
case
The
with
other
my friend, Private \Valls.
night, half of what
re-
mains of the Battalion were called out
to repel an expected attack on the
barracks by the other half. W'alls
chanced to be placed in a rather iso-
lated position, and, armed with six
rounds of blank, he took cover behind
a large boulder, after receiving whis-
pered orders from his officer not to fire
if he suspected the approach of the
enemy, but to low like an ox, when
assistance would immediately be sent
to him.
Though a little diffident of his powers
of lowing, Walls determined to do his
best, and fell sound asleep.
Now, if you or I had been in his
position, an officer would certainly havo
discovered us in no time, and dire
l''i:mu,'.U(Y 3, 101").!
PUNCH, oil TIIK LONDON CHARIVARI.
IT)
/ /'S S*>%V4»l
/ / "y././'J-S'/S/*.* "•'afcfc.
<• l
1 >
Officer. "DIDN'T I TELL YEB 'E WAS NO GOOD? LOOK AT 'm— PLAYIH' FOOTBALL WHEN us PEIXEBS is CHILLIS'!"
punishment would have followed. But
Walls slumbered on undisturbed, until
a terrific roar in his ear caused him to
wako with a start. What had hap-
pened? Ho seized his rifle and peered
into tho darkness. Then, to his
aina/ement, he saw the boulder before
him rise to its feet and shamble off into
the night. It was an ox, and it had
lowed 1
You might think his luck finished
there. But no. Tho officer and his
men came stealthily up, and Walls un-
blushingly declared that he had heard
the foe approaching. It may sound
incredible, but it is a fact that a few
minutes later the enemy did actually
appear, and were, of course, driven back
after the customary decimation.
And Walls unhesitatingly accepted
the congratulations of his superior on
his vigilance, and did not even blench
when assured that his was tho finest
imitation ever heard of the lowing of
an ox. Yours ever,
ONE OF THE PUNCH BRIGADE.
" Tho German resistance is formidable but
the allies' artillery has forced the enemy to re-
tire from some trenches abandinging prisoners
dead, and wounded. "—Buenos A ire's Standard',
This gives tho lie to the many stories
of German callousness that we hear.
TUENS OF THE DAY.
[A fifteen-minutes' speech on affairs
by a public man has been added to the
programme of the Empire music-hall.]
THERE is no truth that the late
Viceroy of IRKLAND is to appear at the
Alhambra iu a brief address, explaining
why he chose the title of " Tara."
All efforts to induce Mr. MASTERMAN
to appear at the Holborn Empire next
week in a burlesque of The Scats of the
Mighty have failed.
Great pressure is being brought to
bear upon Mr. BERNARD SHAW to in-
duce him to add gaiety to tho Palladium
programme next week by a twenty-
minutes' exposure of England's folly,
hypocrisy, fatuity and crime, a subject
on which he knows eveii more than is
to bo known.
Up to the present moment Mr. H. G.
WELLS has refused all offers to ap-
pear at the Palace in the song from
Patience, " When I first put this uni-
form on."
Any statement that Mr. EDMUND
GOSSE is to appear at the Coliseum at
every performance next week, in a little
sketch entitled SwiiKjitiy the Censer,
is to bo taken with salt.
A similar incredulity should probably
bo adopted in regard to tho alluring
rumour that Mr. COMPTON MACKENZIE
will also contribute at the same house
a nightly telephonic sketch from Capri,
" What Tiberius thinks of ' Sinister
Street.' "
Negotiations are still pending, though
with little chance of success, between
the management of the Hippodrome
and Canon BAWXSLEY, with a view to
his giving a brief address nightly on
the subject "How to write a Wai-
sonnet in ten minutes."
We have good reason to fear that, in
spite of reiterated announcements of
their engagement, Mr. MAXPEMBERTON
and Mr. MAX BEERBOHM will not ap-
pear on Valentine's Day, and subse-
quently, at the Chiswick Empire in a
topical War duologue as "The Two
Max."
Omar Khayyam on the North Sea
battle.
They say the Lion and the Tiger sweep
Where once tho Huns shelled babies
from the deep,
And Bliicher, that great cruiser —
12-inch guns
Roar o'er his head but cannot break
his sleep.
JM'NCII, Oil TIfK LONDON • CHARIVAttl.
[FKBHUAUY 3, 1915.
YUSSUF.
" LOOK hero," exclaimed the latest
subaltern, bulling himsjlf at the re-
iiuvins of tho breakfast, " those rotters
h;i\ •(• sent mo a putrid sword ! "
•' A putrid sword, dear? " his mother
repeated.
•• Yes, confound them ! "
" 1 don't see why you want a sword
at all," Dolly chipped in. " Captain
Join's says tbe big guns arc the only
weapons that count."
" And bow will Archie toast his
crumpets ? " retorted Henry.
"Ob, shut up, you kids! I say, do
you mind having a look at it ? " Tbe
latest subaltern was actually appealing
to me. I stilled a blush, and thought
I should like to, very much.
After breakfast Archibald and myself
retired to the armoury.
" There ! " he exclaimed indignantly.
" What do you tbink of that ? " It was
lying on the bed with a black-and-gold
hilt and a wonderful nickel scabbard
with gilt blobs at the top. I looked at it.
" Well," 1 ventured, " it's a sword."
Archibald sniffed.
" And," I continued hastily, " it 's
very nice. Perhaps they 've run out of
tbe ordinary ones. Does it cut ? "
He drew it, and I, assuming the air
of a barber's assistant, felt its edge.
"Of course," 1 remarked, "I don't
know much about it, but if there is
anything left to cut when you go out
I think it should be stropped a bit
first."
" Well," said the proud owner, " I
ordered it at Slashers', and they ought
to know. Suppose we rub it up on
young Henry's emery wheel ? "
" Wait a minute," I cried; " I should
like to see it on."
Archibald buckled on the scabbard
and 1 slapped the trusty Wade -home.
It certainly looked a bit odd. I sur-
veyed it in profile.
" No ! " I exclaimed, " there is some-
thing about it ... a Yussuf air ...
that little bend at the tip is reminis-
cent of Turkestan."
We found Henry in tbe workshop.
" My fairy godmother," he shouted,
"didyou pinch it fromthepantomime?"
We did not deign to reply. Gingerly,
very gingerly, we applied Yussuf to
the emery wheel . . . Little flakes came
olT him— just little flakes.
It was Tory distressing.
The gardener joined us and advised
some oil ; then thte coachman brought
us some polishing sand ; bath-brick and
whitening we got from the cook.
It was no good. Nothing could
restore those little flakes. So we went
indoors to have a look at the Encyclo-
paedia. But there was nothing there
to help us. Yussuf was suffering from
an absolutely unknown disease.
\Vo put him to bed again.
After lunch Archibald received the
following letter: —
" l>i:,\u Sin, — We learn with regret
that, by an inadvertence, tho wrong
sword lia? boon despatched to you.
We now hasten to forward yours,
trusting that the delay has not in-
convenienced you. At tho same time
our representative will, with your per-
mission, collect the sword now in your
possession as it is of exceptional value,
and also has to be inscribed immedi-
ately for presentation.
Your obedient Servants,
SLASHER AND Co."
"For presentation, "I repeated; "then
it 's not meant to cut with, and those
blobs really are gold." I touched one
respectfully.
The latest subaltern pulled himself
together and rang the bell. " When a
man calls here for a sword," he told
the servant, "give him this" — pointing
dramatically at Yussuf. " And Jen-
kins!"
"Yes, Sir."
" Tell him that I have just sailed for
. er — for the Front."
LE DERNIER CRI.
BEING THE SOLILOQUY OP THE
OLDEST PAKROT.
Hallo! Hallo! Hallo! Polly-olly-
icolly t Scratch a poll ! It isn't that
1 shout the loudest, though 1 fancy 1
could keep my end up in the monkey-
house if it came to that. Many a
parrot wastes all his energy in wind.
It 's brains, not lungs, that make a full
crop. Extend your vocabulary. An-
other thing — don't make yourself too
cheap. The parrot that always gives
his show free lives the whole of his life
on official rations — and nothing else.
Half-a-pint o' mild-ari -bitter 1 Pom 1
Point
I 'm the oldest inhabitant, and I 've
the biggest waist measurement for my
height in Kegent's Park. That 's my
reward. I '11 admit I 've a bad memory ;
most parrots have, except the one that
used to .sing " Rule Britannia " and
knew the name of every keeper in the
Zoo — and he went into hospital with
something- on- the -brain. But /'ve
moved with the times. There aren't
many catch-phrases 1 haven't caught.
" Walker," "Who's Griffiths?" and
drawing corks in the old "Champagne
Charlie-" days ; and " You 're another,"
and " Get your hair cut," " Does your
mother know you're out?" "My
word, if I catch you bending ! " " After
you with tho cruet." But I 've a bad
memory. Have a banana? I don't,
think! . . .
I 'm never quite sure of myself, and
so just have to say what comes upper-
most. Shun ! Stanterlecze ! Form-
far s, you two I Half-a-pint o' . . .
I 've found it doesn't do to repeat
everything tho sergeant says. We had
a Naval parrot once . . . Why, take
for instance that young man with his
greasy feathers brushed back like a
parakeet's. Ho looked good for a few
grapes any day, but when, just to
encourage him, I chortled, " KITCHENER
wants yer!" ho frowned and walked
away. I did good business later, though.
Pulled up a bunch of Khaki people by
just shouting " 'Alt ! " I admired their
taste in oranges. Down with the
KAISER ! By the way, I 've shouted
" Down with " almost everybody in my
time. Jchnny, get your gun ; Goobye,
Tippcrlairlee.
But the best is " Vceve la France."
Last week one of those foreign officers
beard me "veeving" softly to myself.
In half a minute lie 'd collected a dozen
of his friends and relatives, and I could
see more coming in the distance. The
excitement ! My tail ! " Marie ! Al-
phonse!" he shouted. " Regarday
dong ce brave wozzo!" They gave
mo butterscotch ; they gave me mus-
catels ; they gave me a meringue, and
lots of little sweet biscuits (I don't take
monkey-nuts these days, thank you !)
and they all talked at once. Then a
lovely creature with a cockatoo's crest
on her head bent forward and coaxed
me in a voice like ripe bananas. And
there was I sitting like a fool, my
mouth crammed and my mind a blank!
The crowd was growing every minute.
The cockatoo girl ran to the kiosk and
bought me French nougut ; I ate it.
Then I made a desperate effort — " Has
anybody here seen Kelly? "
Bless the camel - keeper ! At that
very moment I heard him ringing the
" all-out " bell.
The Times says that the Bliicher
was the reply of tbe German Admiralty
to the first British Dreadnought.
Admiral Sir DAVID BEATTY begs to
state that he has forwarded this reply
to the proper quarter.
We have pleasure in culling the fol-
lowing extract from the account of a
wedding, as set forth in The Silver Leaf
(published at Somerset West, Cape
Province) : —
" Whilst the register was being signed,
Mme. Wortley, of Cape Town, sang 'Kntreat
me not to leave thee-' with great feeling."
It seems perhaps a little early to dis-
cuss the question of marital separation.
FKHKUARY 3, 1!H-V:
1'CNCII, OR THE LONDON CIIAIM VAIM.
97
HOW TO KEEP FIT. FOR REALLY BUSY MEN.
1. ON THE WAY TO THE STATION.
2. WAITING FOB THE TRAIN.
3. ON THE 'BUS— "WITH DEEP BREATHING — NECK WRISTS.'
4. AT THE OFFICE — THE CORRESPONDENCE.
5. WEIGHING BUSINESS PROPOSITIONS.
6. WAITING AT THE TELEPHONE.
98
PUNCH, Oil THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [FEBRUARY 3, 1915.
THE VOLUNTEERS.
Time: 7.30 P.M. Scene: .1 lirgc disused barn, u-here
forty members of the local Volunteer Training
Corps are assembled for drill. They arc mostly men
n-cll over thirty-tight years of age, but there is a
sprinkling of lads of wider nineteen, while a feu- arc
men of" military age" who for some good and sufficient
reason hare been unable to join the army. They arc all
full of cnthmiuiiiii, but at' present they possess neither
•uniform nor arms. Please note that in the following
dialogue the Sergeant alone speaks aloud ; the other
person thinks, Init gives no utterance to his words.
The Sergeant. Fall in ! Fall in ! Corno smartly there, fall in
And recollect that when you 'vc fallen in
You stand at ease, a ten-inch space between
Your feet —like this ; your hands behind your back-
Like this ; your head and body both erect ;
Your weight well poised on both feet, not on one.
Dress by the right, and let each rear rank man
Quick cover oft his special front rank man.
That 's it ; that 's good. Now when I say, " Squad,
'shun,"
Let every left heel swiftly join the right
Without a shuffling or a scraping sound
And let the angle of your two feet be
Just forty-five, the while you smartly drop
Hands to your sides, the fingers lightly bent,
Thumbs to the front, but every careful thumb
Kept well behind your trouser-seains. Squad, 'shun !
Tlie Volunteer. Ha ! Though I cannot find my trouser-seains,
I rather think I did that pretty well.
Thomas, my footman, who is on my left,
And Batts, the draper, drilling on my right,
And e'en the vety Sergeant must have seen
The lithe precision of my rapid spring.
The Sergeant. When next I call you to attention, note
You need not slap your hands against your thighs.
It is not right to slap your thighs at all.
The Volunteer. He 's looking at me ; I am half afraid
I used unnecessary violence
And slapped my thighs unduly. It is bad
That Thomas should have cause to grin at mo
And lose his proper feeling of respect,
Being a flighty fellow at the best ;
And Batts the draper must not
The Sergeant. Stand at ease !
The Volunteer. Aha ! He wants to catch me, but he —
The Sergeant. 'Shun!
The Volunteer. Bravo, myself! I did not slap them then.
I am indubitably getting on.
I wonder if the Germans do these things,
And what they sound like in the German tongue.
The Germans are a
The Sergeant. Sharply number off
From right to left, and do not jerk your heads.
[They number off.
The Volunteer. I 'm six, an even number, and must do
The lion's share in forming fours. What luck
For Batts, who 's five, and Thomas, who is seven.
They also serve, but only stand and wait,
While I behind the portly form of Batts
Insert myself and then slip out again
Clear to the front, observing at the word
The ordered sequence of my moving feet.
Come let me brace myself and dare
The Sergeant. Form fours !
The Volunteer. I cannot see the Sergeant ; I 'm obscured
Behind the acreage of Batts's back.
Indeed it is a very noble back
And would protect me if we charged in fours
Against the Germans, but I rather think
We charge two deep, and therefore
The Sergeant. Form two deep !
The Volunteer. Thank Heaven I 'm there, although I mixed
my feet !
I am oblivious of the little things
That mark the duo observance of a drill ;
And Thomas sees my faults and grins again.
Let him grin on ; my time will come once more
At dinner, when he hands the Brussels sprouts.
[The drill proceeds.
Now we're in fours and marching like the wind.
This is more like it ; this is what we need
To make us quit ourselves like regulars.
Left, right, left, right! The Sergeant gives it out
As if ho meant it. Stepping out like tliis
We should breed terror in the German hordes
And drive them off. The Sergeant has a gleam
In either eye ; I think he 's proud of us.
Or does he meditate some stratagem
To spoil our marching?
TJte Sergeant. On the left form squad !
The Volunteer. There ! He has done it ! He has ruined us !
I 'm lost past hope, and Thomas, too, is lost ;
And in a press of lost and tangled men
The great broad back of Batts heaves miles away.
[The Sergeant explains and the drill proceeds.
The Volunteer. No matter; we shall some day learn it all,
The standing difference 'twist our left and right,
The bayonet exercise, the musketry,
And all the things a soldier does with ease.
I must remember it 's a long, long way
To Tipperary, but my heart 's —
The Sergeant. Dismiss !
II. C. L.
MARCH AIRS.
AT long last the War Office is waking up to the value of
bands for military purposes, and a good deal of interest
will be aroused by the discussion now proceeding as to the
best airs for use on the march.
The following suggestions have been hastily collected by
wireless and other means : —
From the Trenches : " Why not try ' Come into the
garden mud ' ? "
From a very new Subaltern : " I had thought of ' John
Brown's Body,' but personally I am more concerned just
now with Sam Browne's Belt."
From a Zeppelin-driver : " There 's an old Scotch song
that I have tried successfully on one of our naval lieutenants.
It runs like this : —
0, I '11 tak the high road and you '11 tak' the low road,
An' I '11 be in Yarmouth afore "ye."
From the Captain of the Sydney : " What 's the matter
with ' The Jolly Miiller ' ? "
From President WILSON: " Have you thought of 'The
little rift within the lute,' as played by our Contra-band? "
From Admiral VON TIRPITZ : " A familiar air with me is
' Crocked in the cradle of the deep." "
From Sir EDWAKD GEEY: "If it could be done diplo-
matically, I should like to see recommended, ' Dacia, Dacia,
give mo your answer, do.'"
From the Crew of the Lion : " For England, Home, and
Beatty."
From an East Coast Mayor : " Begone, dull scare ! "
From the King of KUMANIA : "Now we shan't be long."
I'r.r.uiiAHY M, \'.i\',.'
PUNCH, OR TIIK LONDON clIAIMVAIM.
Old Farmer (to village Military Critic). '-STKATEEGY?
AIHIVLE STRF.KT UNLESS A ronsuAN HELPIT YE."
DOD, MAX, YE 1IAVENA AS MCCKLE STBATEEGY AS WAD TAK' YE ACBOS8
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerics.)
The German War Book (MURRAY) is a work in whose
authenticity many of us would have refused to believe this
time last year. It is a pity indeed that it was not then in
the hands of all those who still clung to the theory that
the Prussian was a civilised and humane being. However,
now that everyone can read it, translated and with a wholly
admirable preface by Professor J. H. MORGAN, it is to be hoped
that the detestable little volume will have a wide publicity.
True, it can add little to our recent knowledge of the enemy
of mankind ; but it is something to have his guiding
principles set down upon the authority of his own hand.
Cynical is hardly an adequate epithet for them ; indeed I
do not know that the word exists that could do full justice
to the compound of hypocrisy and calculated brutishness
that makes up this manual. It may at first strike the
reader as surprising to find himself confronted by sentiments
almost, one might say, of moderation and benevolence.
He will ask with astonishment if the writer has not, after
all, been maligned. Before long, however, ho will discover
that all this morality is very carefully made conditional,
and that the conditions are wide. In short, as the Preface
puts it, the peculiar logic of the book consists in " osten-
tatiously laying down unimpeachable rules, and then
quietly destroying them by debilitating exceptions." For
example, on the question of exposing the inhabitants of
occupied territory to the fire of their own troops — the now
notorious Prussian method of " women and children first"
— the War Book, while admitting pious distaste for such
practice, blandly argues that its "main justification" lies in
its success. Thus, with sobs and tears, like the walrus,
the Groat General Staff enumerates its suggested list of
serviceable infamies. At the day of reckoning what a
witness will this little book be ! Out of their own mouths
they stand here condemned through all the ages.
Mrs. HUMPHRY WARD, chief of uovelists-with-a-purpose,
vehemently eschews the detachment of the Art-for-Art's-
Saker, while a long and honourable practice has enabled
her to make her'stories bear the burden of her theses much
more comfortably than would seem theoretically possible.
Delia IHanchflowcr (WARD, LOCK) is a suffrage novel, dedi-
cated with wholesome intent to the younger generation,
and if one compares the talented author's previous record
of uncompromising, and indeed rather truculent, anti-
suffrage utterances one may note (with approval or dismay)
a considerable broadening of view on the vexed question.
For her attack hero is delivered exclusively on the militant
position. Quite a number of decent folk in her pages are
suffragistically inclined, and there is a general admission
that the eager feet that throng the hill of the Vote are not
by any means uniformly shod in elastic-sided boots, if one
may speak a parable. It is a very notable admission and
does the writer' honour; for such revisions are rare with
veteran and committed campaigners. The story is laid in
the far-away era of the burnings of cricket pavilions and
the lesser country houses. Delia is a beautiful goddess-
heiress of twenty-two, with eyes of flame and a will of steel,
a very agreeable and winning heroine. Her tutor, Gertrude
Marvell, the desperate villain of the piece, a brilliant fanatic
(crossed in love in early youth), wins the younger girl's
affections and inspires and accepts her dedication of self
and fortune to the grim purposes of the " Daughters of
Kevolt." Mark Winnington, her guardian, appointed by
her father to counteract the tutor's baleful influence, finds
both women a tough proposition. For Gertrude has brains
100
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEBRUARY 3, 1 !)!-',.
to back her fanaticism, and Delia is a spirited handful of a Love never seems to run a smooth course for girls of the
ward. Loyalty to her consecration and to her friend name of Joan ; their afl'airs of heart, whatever the final
outlast her belief in the methods of the revolting ones, issue may be, have complex beginnings and make difficult,
Her defences are finally ruined by Cupid, for Mark is a at times dismal, progress. I attribute the rejection of the
handsome athletic man of forty or so, a paragon of knightly great novel of my youth to the fact that the heroine, a rosy-
courtesy and persuasive speech and silences, and compares j cheeked girl with no more serious problems in life than
very favourably with the policemen in Parliament Square, the organisation of mixed hockey matches, was ineptly
Poor Gertrude makes a tragic end in a fire of her own given that unhappy name. Miss MARY AGNES HAMILTON'S
kindling, so that the moral for the younger generation
cannot be said to be set forth in ambiguous terms.
Arundel (FiSHicn UNWIN) is one of those stories that
begins with a Prologue; and as this was only mildly inter-
esting I began to wonder [
whether I was going to be
as richly entertained as one
has by now a right to expect
from Mr. E. F. BKNSON. But
it appeared that, like a
cunning dramatist, ho was
only waiting till the audience
had settled into their seats ;
when this was done, up went
the curtain upon the play
proper, and we -were intro-
duced to Arundel itself, an
abode of such unmixed and
giddy joy that 1 have been
chortling over the memory of
it ever since. Arundel was
the house at Heathrnoor
where lived Mrs. Hancock
and her daughter Edith ; and
Mrs. Hancock herself, and
her house and her neigh-
bourhood and her car and
her servants and her friends
— all, in fact, that is hers,
epitomize the Higher Sub-
urbia with a delicate and
merciless satire that is beyond
praise. I shall hurry over
the actual story, because that,
though well and absorbingly
told, is of less value than the
setting. Next door to the
Hancocks lived a blameless
young man called Edward,
whom for many reasons, not
least because their croquet-
Joan Traquair is true to the typo. From the start she is
handicapped by a bullying father, an invalid sister, a lack
of means and an excess of artistic temperament, the last of
these being not just a casual tendency to picture galleries
and the opera, but the kind of restless passion which causes
i people to prefer sunsets to
i meals and to neglect their
dress. Indue course she falls
in love with a man called
Sebastian, another name
which, if less familiar, is yet
a sufficient warning to the
world that its owner is bound
to be a nuisance on the
hearth. This Sebastian was
an artist, ambitious and of
course poor; worse, he had
a touch of genius and — worst
of all — he knew it. Never-
theless Joan became his wife,
supposing that this was just
the sort of man to make her
( happy. Instead, he madohor
thoroughly miserable, at any
rate for a good long time ; but
i I doubt if any reader, even
| with all the facts before him,
i will anticipate exactly how he
! did it. I certainly didn't my-
self, although I feel now that
I ought to have done. The
point of Yes (HBINEMANN) is
both new and true ; I recom-
mend the book with con-
fidence to all interested in
the Joans and Sebastians of
! this world.
"NOT THOUGH THE SOLDIER KNEW
SOMEONE HAD BLUNDERED."
Our Cheery Allies.
A letter from a Japanese
firm :—
"DEAR SIRS, — Since writing
lawns SO to speak, ''marched," Mrs. Hancock had chosen ] you last we have no favours to acknowledge,Rhowever, we are pleased
er daughter s husband.
emotion
,,
ughter s husband. So blamelessly, almost without to enter into business relation with your respectable firm. We were
, these were betrothed, walking amon« the asnaratms del'8lltc(J tnat the Allies always bshaved bravely in the recent battle
• i 1 i -m • " . P* M** "'& uo i fl. t-i/1 Mrttif i fn i vi +Vni VIAV.TT f .. ,. . _„ Ul_. ___ Jli.' __ ^\. __ . _ _ 1 » i
Our army took the
hear the
beds on a suitable May afternoon "ventilated by a breath i J L^^^J^n^^f^i^**101*'- ,,Our,amY
nf onntl-i woot un in /I on,1 , i u J ' ; pobsetion of Ismgtau and our only hope remaindered is to
l- west Wind and warmed by a summer sun," and annihirationof the enemy force. We trust the Allies will beat the
a pl^ their placid affection would have run smooth | Enemy in near future though we cannot assert the time. If there are
1 any samples of Japanese goods as substitute of German's, kindly let
mough but for the sudden arrival, out of the Prologue, of
Elizabeth, fiercely alive and compelling, the ideal of poor
Edward's dreams. Naturally, therefore, there is the devil
to pay. But, good as all this is, it is Mrs. Hancock who
makes the book, first, last and all the time. She is a gem
of purest ray serene, and my words that would praise her
are impotent things. Only unlimited quotation could do
to her sleek self-deception and little comfortable
'annesses. In short, as a contemporary portrait, the nrs-
,ress of Arundel seems to be the best thing that Mr BKNSON
.s yet given us ; worth -if he will allow me to say so— a
whole race of Dodo*. For comparison one turns instinctively
;o JANE AUSTEN ; and 1 can soand no higher praise
us know, and we shall send the same as soon as possible.
ENCYCLOPEDIA GEEMANICA.
THEIR Aviatiks and Zeppelins from dark aerial heights
Pick out the peaceful places while people sleep o' nights.
Their Aviatiks and Zeppelins steer clear of fort and gun ;
Such things of dreadful menace repel the flying Hun.
Their Aviatiks and Zeppelins show Science at the call
Of all the savage instincts that hold them tight in thrall.
Their Aviatiks and Zeppelins — our women lying dead—
The whole of German " Kultur " is there from A to Z.
1'V.IHU'AKY 10, 1915.]
PUNCH, Oil THE LONDON CII.MMYAIM.
101
CHARIVARIA.
"Kin/run belongs to my (lormans
ulono," says tlio KAIHKK. Wo \vuio
not awaro that tlio charge had boon
brought against any other country.
disgraced herself. It is ovon said that lout rocently in Land and \\'utcr that
tho amiable Doctor asked to be allowed \ it is essential that our gunners should
to conduct a I'arsifal airship to this
country.
Professor KOHKIIT, of Rostock I'ni-
vorsity, one of Germany's host-known
'The Indians, "complains the Frank- ] chemists, is advocating a mixtuio of
furter Zeitung, "have an extraordinary
way of fighting. They jump up, shoot
with wonderful precision, and disappear
before one has time to notice them
properly." Our contemporary has evi-
dently not boon studying tho pages of
Pinicli, or it would know that the
disappearance is worked by tho woli-
ki Own Indian trick of throwing a rope
into tlio air and climbing up it.
Letters from the British troops
operating in Darnaraland show
that tho prevailing complaint
thoro is with respect to the heat;
and a dear and very thoughtful
old lady writes to suggest that, as
our men in Flanders dislike tho
cold, it might be possible to
arrange an exchange.
::•- :;-.
*
With reference to tlio attentions
paid by Gorman aeroplanes, the
other day, to the British provision
establishments at Dunkirk, we
understand that tho bombs which
wore dropped made no impression
whatever on our bully beef, so
famous for its durability.
'' ;^ '
The Norwich Liberals have
selected as their candidate Lieu-
tenant HII.TON YOUNG, and it
has been decided that the elec-
tion shall not be contested. It is
realised that in time of war " La
monde apparlient aux Jcnnes."
-,.
In his account of tho dj namit- '
pig's blood and rye inoal as a most
nutritious form of bread for his coun-
trymen. There ia, of course, ahvady
a certain amount of i-i,4's blood in tho
composition of some Germans.
Our newspapers really ought to bo
bo able to watch our infantry closing
on the enemy, and that in this respect
khaki is a drawback. Wo now hear that
the wide-awake Germans are taking tlio
bint, and that their now uniforms will
have scarlet backs, which will not only
help their artillery, but will act as a
powerful deterrent should thoir troops
think of running away.
:;: *
Extract from a Book Merchant's
Catalogue: — "I venture to assert no
more acceptable gift could bo sent to
more careful. We feel quite sure that j our Heroes on Active Service than a
the following paragraph in The Daily \tfw cwts. of Literature. A book is tho
Small Military Enthusiast. " AI-STIK, DO YOU MIND
IP I MAKE THE CtEKMANS WIN JUST ONE BATTLE NOW
AND THEN? TlIEY 'BE GETTING WORN OUT."
best of all companions and always
useful, for one in tho breast
pocket has been the means of
I saving many a man's life in
action." A Society for supply-
ing every recruit with a complete
set of The Eneyelopadia lint-
annica is now, we believe, in
: process of formation.
A book which is stated to have
| been " kept back on account of
the war" is entitled Hell's Play-
ground. One would have thought
; it would have been peculiarly <i
propos.
A live frog has bosn discovered
embedded in a piece of coal hewn
from a colliery in tho Forest of
Dean. It is thought that tho
colliery owners, by moans of a
i series of bonuses like this, intend
' to make thoir coal look almost
worth the price that is now being
charged for it.
Frankly wo were not surprised
to hear that tho moon was full a
little while ago. In those times
ing of tlio 0. P. B. bridge over the* Mail will be quoted in the German our own planet is certainly not a very
St. Croix river, REUTKK tolls us that Press as showing the Londoner's fears desii able place.
"A Gorman officer who has been of a Zeppelin visit: "The Golder's
hanging around the neighbourhood for Green Training Corps yesterday morn
the past few days has born arrested." ing mobilised eighty motor-cars and
It is now slated that Herr Lir.is-
KNKCHT, the Socialist leader, who was
Wo have a shrewd idea that ho may i drove out to Harpenden to s;o how called to tho colours a few days ago,
bo hanging in tho neighbourhood again quickly the corps could get out of has been relieved of service in tho
London in case of emergency."
very shortly.
We aro surprised that tho advocates
of Mr. \VIM,KTT'S Daylight Saving Bill
have been so quiet lately. Surely it
would be an enormous advantage to
rush this measure through now so that
tho Germans may have less darkness
to take advantage of?
Dr. HANS EICHTEU, tho celebrated
WAONKH conductor, who enjoyed Eng-
lish hospitality for so long, has now
expressed the hope that Germany may
punish England who has so profoundly
Landwehr. This is most annoying as
it throws out all the carefully calculated
The Times has been discussing the figures of our exparts as to the number
question as to whether khaki is the of men Germany is putting into the
best protective colour for soldiers. In field.
this connection it is worth noting that
the uniforms worn by the men of Even the Censor nods occasionally.
KITCHKNKU'S Army appear to render The Tailor and Culler has been allowed
* *
them almost completely invisible to
the correspondents of German news-
to state that a II olborn tailor is making
a uniform for a sergeant in KITCHENER'S
papers in this country, who report that Army who stands G ft. 8 ins. high,
there is only a moro handful of these The fact that we have a man of these
soldiers. dimensions in reserve was, we undcr-
* stand, to have been one of our surprises
By tho way Colonel MAUDE pointed for Germany.
VOL. CXLVIH.
102
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI^ i ...M AUY 10, 1915.
THE MARK OF THE BEAST.
i H'a/t nckiwidcJijments to a cartoon by Mr. WILL DI.SO.Y.)
fin a Munich paper Herr G«OHOFKK recites the folio*'!.* rem
,,( tl>.' KAisruX whose social journalist..: confidant he n, s
bo-
and tlu
mark
to
wnosc special joui inviinMw v,v..." —
Knltur means to have the deepest conscientiousness-
___o ,t moia ity. My (ieriiuins, possess lhat."]
Tis enough tliat we know you have said it;
We feel that the facts correspond
With your speech as a Person of credit,
Whose word is as good as his bond;
Who are wo that our critics should quarrel
With the Haltering doctrine you preach -
That the German, in all that is moral,
Is an absolute peach ?
But the puzzle grows odder and odder:
If your people are spotless of blame,
Being perfectly sound cannon-fodder,
Then whose is the fault and the shame?
If it's just from a deep sense of duty
That they prey upon woman and priest,
And their minds are a model of Beauty,
Then who is the Beast?
For a Beast is at work in this matter;
We have seen— and the traces endure —
The red blood of the innocent spatter
The print of his horrible spoor ;
On their snouts, like the lovers of Circe—
Your men that are changed into swine —
The Mark of the Beast-witbout-mercy
Is set for a sign.
You have posed (next to God) as the pillar
That steadies the fabric of State,
Whence issues the brave baby-killer
Supplied with his hymnal of hate;
Once known for a chivalrous knight, he
Now hogs with the Gadarene herd ;
Since it can't be the other Almighty,
How lias it occurred ?
When at last they begin to be weary
Of sluicing their virtues in slime,
And they put the embarrassing query: —
" Who turned us to brutes of the prime ?
Full of culture and most conscientious,
Who made us a bestial crew ?
Who pounded the poisons that drench us ? "-
I wouldn't be you. 0. S.
THE PLAINT OF A BRITISH DACHSHUND.
DEAR Mr. Punch, — I desire to address you on a painful
subject. Lot me state that I am (1) a dachshund of
unblemished character ; (2) a British-born subject ; (3) a
member of a family which, though originally of foreign
extraction, has for several generations been honourably
domiciled in one of the most exclusive and aristocratic of
our English country seats. Imagine then the surprise and
indignation experienced by myself, my wife and our only
daughter when, shortly after the opening of the present
unfortunate hostilities between our country and a certain
continental Power, we found the atmosphere of friendly,
nay, affectionate respect with which we had so long been
surrounded becoming gradually superseded by one of
suspicion and animosity.
The ball was started by Macalister, an Aberdeen terrier
of unprincipled character, who has never forgiven me for
summarily crushing tho unwelcome advances which he had
the bad taste to make last spring to my daughter. He had
had the impertinence to approach me with a large (and, 1
confess, a distinctly succulent-looking) object, which he
laid witli an oily smile on the ground before my nose. But
I had heard from Gertrude (my wife) of his attentions to
our offspring, and I saw through the ruse.
"If you imagine," I said, "for one moment that this
insidious offer of a stolen bone will induce a gentleman of
family to countenance an engagement between his daughter
and an advertisement for Scotch whisky you are greatly
mistaken. Be off with you, and never let me see your
ruflianly whiskers near my basket again!"
Rather severe, no doubt, but when I am deeply moved 1
seldom mince matters; in fact, as a Briton, 1 prefer to hit
out straight from the shoulder. In any case, for the time
being it settled Macalister.
I say for the time being. In the autumn he had his
revenge. One morning early in October I was walking
down the drive accompanied by a recent arrival within our
circle, a rather brainless St. Bernard (who gave his luime
with a lisp as "Bwuno "), when we met my child's rejected
suitor. Since the incident mentioned above i had con-
sistently cut Macalister, and I passed him now without
recognition. No sooner was he by, however, and at a- safe
distance, than he deliberately turned and snarled over his
shoulder at me the offensive epithet, " Potsdammer ! "
My b'.ood boiled; I longed to bury my teetli in the
scoundrel's throat ; but I remembered that Gertrude had
once told me that galloping made mo look ridiculous.
So I affected not to hear the insult, and proceeded, out-
wardly calm, with my morning constitutional. But, for
some reason or other, Bruno's flow of small talk appeared
suddenly to dry up, and once or twice I detected him
looking at me curiously out of the corners of his eyes.
Next day, on my calling for him as usual he pleaded a
cold. His manner struck me as odd ; still I accepted his
excuse. But when the cold had lasted, without any per-
ceptible loss of appetite, for a fortnight, and I had seen him
meanwhile on two occasions actually rabbiting (an absurd
pastime for a St. Bernard) with Macalister, I saw what
had happened and decided to ask him what he meant by
it. He endeavoured to assume a conciliatory attitude, but
the long and short of it was, he said, that as a Swiss, and
therefore a neutral, it was impossible for him to be too
careful, and he feared that my society might compromise
him. I did not argue with him ; it would merely have
involved a loss of dignity to do so.
Since that time, though we have endured in silence, the
lot of myself and my family has been a hard one. We
have been fed and housed as usual, it is true, but when one
has been accustomed to live on terms of the most privileged
friendship with a household it is galling to find oneself
suddenly treated by every member of it, from the butler
downwards, as a prisoner of war. 1 am not even allowed
now to bite the postmen ; and I used to enjoy them so
much, especially the evening one, who wears quite thin
trousers. Our only consolation has been the hope that our
misfortune might be an isolated instance. To-day, however,
I learn that it is not so. I have discovered by my basket
(and I have reason to think that they were conveyed
thither by the malignant Macalister) three humorous (?)
sketches depicting members of my race in situations which
I can only describe as ridiculous, and obviously insinuating
that they were to be regarded as aliens.
I appeal to you, Sir, as a lover of justice and animals,
to put this matter right with the public, for the life that
a British dachshund has to lead at the present moment is
what is vulgarly known as a dog's life.
Yours to the bottom biscuit, FHITZ.
ITN01I, Oil TJIi; LONDON CII AUI VABI.— FBBUIIAUY 10, 1915.
THE RIDDLE OF THE SANDS.
TURKISH CAMEL. " WHERE TO?"
GERMAN OFFICER. "EGYPT."
CAMEL. "GUESS AGAIN."
I',,.,HA,<V ID, i9i5.] PUNCH, <>i; TIIK LONDON CHAIMVAHI.
lOfi
,
~ - —
THE REFUGEE.
" BOBBY DEAR, CAN'T YOU GET MARCELLE TO PLAY WITH YOU SOMETIMES?"
"I DO TRY, BUT SHE DOESN'T 8EEM TO CARE ABOUT IT — SHE'S ALWAYS KNITTING.
IP, FOB THE NEXT WAR, WE HAD A BOY."
I THINK, MOTHER, PERHAPS IT MIGHT BE BETTER
HOT WATER.
AT the beginning of tilings I sat
outside my tent in the early hours of
the momiog while a stalwart warrior
poured buckets of cold water down my
spine. I felt heroic.
Towards the end of October I began
to dislike my servant ; I had a suspi-
cion he was icing the water. Before
November was in I had given up
sitting outside my tent. My bathing I
decided (one cold wet morning) should
take place under cover, either at the
Golf Club or at some kindly person's
house.
A few days later, not being on duty,
I had arranged to dine with the Fer-
gusons. In the late afternoon I strode
into the Golf Club and had a hot bath.
From there I wandered into town,
where I met Mrs. Johnston.
" Hello ! " she said. " I 'm just going
home. Won't you come with mo? "
Mrs. Johnston is one in a thousand.
"Rather," I agreed. "Forward —
by the right."
Tea over, my hostess turned to me
brightly. " Now," she said, " I know
whr.t U must he in camp. I'm sure
you 'd like a nice hot bath," and she
rang the bell.
Somehow I didn't tell her I 'd had one
at the Club. You might have done
differently perhaps, but — well, the little
lady was beaming hospitality ; was it
for me to stifle her generous intentions?
I thought not.
I went upstairs and splashed man-
fully.
For the third time that day I
dressed; then I went downstairs and
found Johnston.
" Hello," he said. " Been having a
bath? Good!"
I stiffened perceptibly at " good."
We chatted a little while, then I
breathed my sincere thanks and left
them.
My arrival at the Fergusons' was
rather early, somewhere about seven-
thirty. I was shown into the drawing-
room while the maid went to inform
Mrs. Ferguson of my arrival. In two
minutes she returned.
" Will you come this way, Sir? " she
said.
I went that way.
Ten minutes later I emerged from
Ferguson's bath and walked into his
dressing-room. Ferguson had arrived.
"Hello!" he said. "Been having a
bath ? Good ! "
I winced at the word ; then I smiled
bravely and started to dress — for the
fourth time.
;:= =:= -.•• •'.-•
It was eleven o'clock when I got back
to camp, and I found to my surprise
that the Mess had been moved from
the tent to the new hut.
"Hello!" they said, "how do you
like the new quarters ?
I surveyed the bare boards.
"Topping," I replied, "but it 'a not
anywhere near finished."
" No," said the Junior Major, " but
the bath 's in. Hot water, by Gad !
Go and have a bath."
I looked at him blankly. " I 've had
three, Sir, to-day."
I might have known it was foolish ;
the Junior Major is still young.
" It 's up to the subalterns," ho sug-
gested, " to sea he has No. 4."
They saw to it.
" Baron von Bissing, the Governor
of Belgium," says The Central AVirs,
" has paid a visit to Turnhout and in-
spected the German guards along the
Belgo-Duteh frontier." In the whole
of our experience we know no finer
example of self-control than our refusal
to play witli that word Turuhout.
10G
1TXCII, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [FEBBUABT 10. 1915.
I fancy the stealing must bo done from sheer wanton
IN QUAINTEST CINEMALAIMD. devilry.
TN these troublous times Cinemaland is about the only | Crime in Cinemaland is invariably defected sooner or
foreign country in which it is possible to travel for pleasure, later, though I doubt if it would bo but for a careless
It has ooennvd t;-> mo that sonic amount of its curious | practice among criminals there of carrying in their breast-
d e;is'o-ns in iv not be without interest for such '< pockets the document that proves thoir guilt. They seem
io have a superstitious idea that to destroy it would bring
read -rs as are still Unacquainted with them.
A, < 'id contains many departments, each of
which has peculiarities of its own, I cannot attempt more
than a ge" Cl iption.
The chief nati<>.:al industry is the chase of fugitives. In
them bad luck.
The exterior of a private mansion in a fashionable
Cinemian suburb is stately and imposing, but the interior
is generally disappointing, the rooms being small and over-
some departments this is dime on horseback, willi aeon- crowded with furniture that is showy without being dis-
siderable and rather aimless expenditure of ammunition; tinguishcd. In some houses the owners appear to have a
in others by motor car, or along the roofs of railway , taste for collecting antiques and to have been grossly
carriages. It seems a healthy pursuit and provides all j imposed upon by dealers.
concerned with exercise and excitement. The women are, ! It is usual for young couples with a very moderate
almo4 without exception, young and extremely prepossess- 1 income to keep not only a smart parlourmaid but a butler
Xaniro has endowed them, among other personal j as well. The manner of all Cinemian domestics is one
advantages, with superb teeth,
of which they make a pardon-
ably ostentatious display on the
slightest provocation. They are
all magnificent horsewomen and
fearless swimmers, and they do
not in the least mind spoiling
their clothes.
In their domestic circles, how-
ever, they show a feminine and
clinging disposition, with a
marked tendency to fall in love
at first sight with any undesir-
able stranger.
The principal occupation of
the children is reconciling es-
tranged parents by contracting
serious illnesses or getting run
over. The latter is even easier
to manage in Cinemaland than
in any London thoroughfare. '
I have seldom, if ever, seen an
aged Cinemian grandparent, a
long-lost wife, or a strayed ;
child try to cross the emptiest !
street without being iromedi- '
ately bowled over by a motor- i
car. The mere wind of it has the
strange potency not only of I
"N OTl
AND AFTER FEBRUARY
THE BLOCKADE. A FAIR WARNING.
of exaggerated deference; an
ordinary English employer
would be painfully embarrassed
if his servants bowed to him
so low and so often, but they
appear to like it in Cinemaland.
Social etiquette there has
exigencies that are all its own.
For example, a guest at an
evening party who happens to
lose a brooch or necklace is
expected at once to stop the
festivities by complaining to
her hostess and insisting on a
constable being called in to
search everybody present. It
might be thought that Cinemian
Society would have learnt by
\ this time that the person in
whoso possession the missing
article is discovered is abso-
lutely sure to be innocent. But
i the supposed culprit is always
I hauled off (with quite unneces-
sary violence) to prison, amidst
the scorn and reprobation of the
hostess and her other guests.
It is true they make the hand-
. . ! somestamendsafterwards,which
knocking down a pedestrian, but inflicting the gravest in- 1 are gratefully accepted, but in any other country the
tjrnal injuries. Fortmiately.Cinemaland is a country rich in hostess's next invitation to any social function would be
coincidences, so the car is invariably occupied by the very met with the plea of a previous engagement. If these
person who has been vainly seeking the sufferer for years. ~-~:~>-1 J: '---- L-I- i.— " 9<- r , n
This of course is some compensation, but, all the same, it
is hardly the ideal method of running across people one is
anxious to meet.
The victims are always removed to the nearest hospital,
but, if I may judge from what I have seen of their wards,
1 should say that medical science in Cinemaland is still in
its infancy, and it has never surprised me that so many
patients die soon after admission.
Hut then Science of any kind seems to bo a dangerous
and unprofitable occupation there. The inventor, designer,
or discoverer of anything is simply asking for trouble. If
lie doesn't blow himself up in "his laboratory and get
blinded for life, some envious rival is certain to undertake
amiable and impulsive people have a failing, I should say
it was a readiness to believe the worst of one another
on evidence which would not hang an earwig.
They are indefatigable letter-writers, but, after having
had the privilege of inspecting numerous examples of their
correspondence, I am compelled to own that, while their
penmanship is bold and legible, their epistolary style is
apt to b3 a tri-ile crude.
The clergy of Cinemaland all wear short side whiskers
and are a despised and servile class who appear to derive
most of their professional income from marrying runaway
couples in back parlours.
In certain departments it is a frequent practice to dress
up in Federal and Confederate uniforms and engage in
... j . • vv MI JMVSI utility \.iij HI -L 0UV1.CU BfeUU
Or else a vague villain will steal his formula 'desperate conflict. I have witnessed battles there "with
I soil them to a Foreign Power with Dundreary] over a hundred combatants on each side. There was a
And the extraordinary part of it is that no profusion of flags and white smoke on these occasions, but,
ever invented anything yet of which the ! so far -as I was able to observe, no blood was actually shed.
lj'y [>e worth more than twopence. I , There is another department which is inhabited by a
r,:i,i«uABT 10, 1915.] PfNCII. ni; TIIK LONDON ('HMJIYAKI.
107
The one seated (reading newspaper of JanutryWIh). '"20,000 GERMANS PALLET
CAS VKB SKI: IT? C-O-U-P., D-K., M-A-I-N. STICK A UNION JACK is THEIU;."
ATTEMPT AT COt'l'-UE-JI UN'.'
singularly high-strung, not to say jerky, race, the women
csjHTially betraying their emotions with a primitive absence
of self-control. There, the pleasure of the ctiase has become
a delirious -orgy, though much valuable time is lost both
by pursuers and pursued, owing to an inveterate habit of
stopping and leaping high at intervals. Squinting is a not
uncommon affliction, as is also abnormal stoutness, the
latter, however, being always combined with a surprising
agility. In personal encounters, which are by no means
uncommon, it is considered not only legitimate but laucl-
ablo to kick the adversary whenever lie turns his back, and
also to spring at him, encircle his waist with your legs, and
bite his car. The local police are all either overgrown or
undersized, and have been carefully trained to fall over one
another at about every five yards. As guardians of the peace,
however, I prefer our own force.
I could not have written even so brief an account as this
unless 1 had paid many visits to Cinemaland. If I am
spared 1 fully expect to pay many more. The truth is that
I cannot keep away from the countrv. Why, I can't ex-
plain, but I fancy it is because it is so absolutely unlike any
other country with which I happen to be familiar. F. A.
"The practice of compulsorily enrolling men f,u- d.'feiir.i
invasion can b,> traced from before the time of Alfred the (livat,
wliun every man between 18 and GO h.ul to serve ri^-lit up to the
time of the Napoleonic wars." — Saturday Iterien'.
It was found, however, that men who had enlisted in
AI.FHKH THK (iitKAx's time at the age of sixty were of little
real use in the Napoleonic wars.
FLEET VISIONS SEEN THROUGH GERMAN EYES.
[A number of curious facts about the British Army, lately gathered
from German sources, may be supplemented by some further infor-
mation of interest bearing on our Fleet.]
THE facts may bo obscured for purposes of recruiting, but
it remains true that British seamen are no better 'than serfs.
Their officers have the most complete proprietorship in their
persons and can do with them what they -like, as in the
(case of the English captain who bad a favourite shark,
• which followed his ship, and to which lie throw an A.H.
' each morning. That their slavery is acknowledged by the
men is shown by their custom of referring to the Captain as
"The Owner."
The savagery of the British Navy has pa-sod into a
by-word, and the bluejackets popularly go by the name of
i Jack Tartars.
• •
ll U all very well for America to protest her neutrality
! to Berlin, but how can we ignore the fact that President
\Vir.sox actually lias a seat on the board of the British
Admiralty where he is known as "Tug" \Vu.3ONT. He is
! even the author of a work aimed deliberately at us, and
I entitled Dcr Tuy.
The superstitious of ignorant British seamen, notably the
Horse Marines, whoso credulity lias no parallel, is oxtra-
j ordinary. Mascots are carried on all- ships. For instance,
I no ship's carpenter will ever go to sea. without a walrus.
SELECT CONVERSATIONS.
(At about llirce o'clock in the morninij.)
AT Tin: WAK OFFICE.
Myself. I want to see Lord KITCII-
r.NKK. please.
Policeman. Quite impossible, Sir.
Myself (coldly handing card}. I don't
think you realise who I am.
Policeman (much impressed). This
way, Sir.
[/asccwZ the secret staircase, pat the
bloodhounds chained outside tlic
sanctum, and enter.
Kitchener (sternly). Good morning;
what can 1 do for you?
My self (simply}. I have come to offer
my services to the War Oflice.
Kitchener. Have you had any pre-
vious military experience ?
Myself. None at all, Sir.
Kitchener (warmly). Excellent. The
very man we want. You will bring
an absolutely fresh and unbiassed
mind to the problem before us. Sit
down. (I sit down.) You have a
plan for defeating the Germans? Quite
so. Now — or — roughly, what would
your idea be ?
Myself (waving arm). Roughly, Sir,
a broad sweeping movement.
Kitchener (replacing ink-pot and
(jetting to work with the blotting-
paper). Excellent.
Myself. The details I should work
out later. I think perhaps I had
better explain them personally to Sir
JOHN FRENCH and General JOFFHE.
Kitchener. I agree. You will be
attached to Sir JOHN'S Staff, with the
rank of Major. I shall require you to
leave for the Front to-night. Good day
Major.
{We salute each other, and the scene
changes.
AT GENERAL HEADQUARTERS.
French. Ah, how do you do, Major?
Wo have been waiting for you.
Myself. How do you do, Sir? (To
JOFFRE, slowly) Comment vous fortcz
tons I
Jo/re. Thank you ; I speak English
Myself (a little disappointed). Good
French. Now then, Major, let u
hear your plan.
Myself. Well, roughly it is a broai
sweeping move 1 beg your pardon
Sir!
Joffrc (with native politeness). No
at all, Monsieur.
Myself (stepping back so as to hav
more room)— a. broad sweeping move
ment. More particularly my idea is—
[It is a curious tiling, but I cat
never remember the rest of this speec!
when I wake up. I know it discloset
a very masterly piece of tactics . . . th
I region of the Argonne ... a poin
•appni ... No, it has gone again.
3ut I fancy the word " wedge " came
n somewhere.)
French. Marvellous !
Joffre. Magnifique !
My self (modestly). Of course it's only
n idea I jotted down on tho boat, but
think there's something in it.
French. My dear Major, you have
aved Europe.
Joffre (unpinning medal from his
oat). In tho name of France I give
ou this. But you have a medal
Iready, Monsieur?
Myself (proudly). My special con-
table's badge, General. I shall be
iroud to see the other alongside it.
The scene fades.
[I can only suppose that at this
moment I am moved by the desire to
ave useless bloodshed, for I next find
myself with the enemy.]
AT POTSDAM.
Kaiser (eagerly). Ah, my good
TIHPITZ, what news of our blockade ?
Myself (removing whiskers). No,
WILLIAM, not TIKPITZ !
Kaiser. An Englishman !
Myself. An Englishman — and come
,o beg you to give up the struggle.
Kaiser. Never, while there is breath
n man or horse !
Myself. One moment. Let me tell
you what is about to happen. On my
advice the Allies are making a broad
swee Put back your sword, Sire.
L am not going to strike you — a broad
sweeping movement through Germany.
Kaiser (going pale). Wo are undone
[t is the end of all. And this was
your idea ?
Myself. My own, your Majesty.
Kaiser (eagerly). Would an Iron
Cross and a Barony tempt you to join
us? Only a brain like yours could
defeat such a movement.
Myself (with dignity). As a Majoi
and a gentleman
Kaiser. Enough. I feared ife was
useless. (Gloomily) We surrender.
The scene closes.
[The final scene is not so clear in mj
memory that I can place it with confi
dence upon paper. But the idea of i
is this.]
AT PALACE.
A Certain Person. Your country can
never sufficiently reward you, Majoi
but we must do what we can. I confe
on you the V.C., the D.S.O., the
M.V.O., the P.T.O. and the P. and O
The payment of a special grant o
£5,000 a year for life will be propose*
in the House to-morrow.
Myself. Thank you, Sir. As for th
grant, I shall value it more for th
spirit which prompted it than for it
ctual-
ir?
Did you say five thousand,
[At tliis point I realise with horror
nat I have only a very short vest on,
nd with a great effort I wake . . . The
seem very dull at breakfast.]
A. A. M.
THE SOLDIER'S ENGLAND.
MY England was a draper's shop,
And seemed to bo the place to (it
Mv size of man ; and I 'd to stop
And make believe I fancied it—
"hat and a yearly glimpse of mountain
blue,
A book or two.
A bigger England stirs afloat.
I see it well in one who 's come
From where ho left his home and boat
By Cornish coasts, whose rollers
drum
Their English music on an English
shore
Right at his door.
And one who 's left the North a spell
Has found an England lie can love,
Hacking out coal. He's learnt her
well
Though mines are narrow and,
above,
The dingy houses set in dreary rows,
Seem all he knows.
The one of us who 's travelled most
SaysEngland, stretching far beyond
Her narrow borders, means a host
Of countries where her word 's her
bond
Because she 's steadfast, everywhere
the same,
To play the game.
Our college chum (my mate these
days)
Thinks England is a garden where
There blooms in English speecli anc
ways,
Nurtured ia faith and thought we
share,
A fellowship of pride we make our own
And ours alone.
And England's all we say, but framec
Too big for shallow words to hold
Wo tell our bit and halt, ashamed,
Feeling the things that can't be
told;
And so we're one and all in canij
to-night,
And come to fight.
"No judgment of recent years has arousec
more widespread interest than that of Mr
Justice Bargrave Deane, in which he dccidec
that the SI ings by baby was the son of hi
mother." — Evening News.
Wonderful men our judges.
FEBRUARY 10, 1915.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ( 'I I A IM Y A IM.
103
Doctor. " YOU'LL BE ALL BIGHT NOW, AND I HAVE MUCH PLEASURE IN HETURJUNO YOU THE TWO SOVEREIGNS WHICH I FOUND
SHOT INTO YOU WITH THE PURSE."
Sergeant. "THANK you, SIR; I DON'T CALL HALF A QUID DEAR FOR DOIN' THAT JOB."
Doctor. "I DON'T FOLLOW YOU."
Sergeant. "WELL, I HAD TWO-POUND-TEN IN THAT PURSE."
HOW TO DEAL WITH SUBMARINES.
[" The Syren and tjhipping offers £500 to
the captain, ofliccrs and crew of the first
British m< ri-haut vt'si-el which succeeds 'in
sinking a German submarine." — The Times."}
IN order to assist captainsof merchant
ships to deal with raiding submarines,
a few suggestions and comments, which
it is hoped will he helpful, are offered
by our Naval Expert.
In the absence of a 4-7 naval gun,
a provision suggested as useful by
a writer in The Titii'.s, any 13-inch
shells that you happen to have on
board might be hoisted over the side,
disguised as bunches of bananas, and
dropped on to the offending sub-
marine. If this does not sink her
at once, additional bunches should, be
dropped.
But before disposing of your shells
bo sure that your submarine is close
alongside. In case she should hold off,
let the first mate beckon to her, in a
manner as nonchalant as possible, to
come closer.
When the enemy boards your ship,
the captain should endeavour to interest
the boarding party with the latest war
news from German bulletins, whilst
the bo'sun, the second steward and the
stewardess, with the aid of peashooters,
pour liquid explosive down the sub-
marine's periscope;
If you are fortunate enough to have
on board one of those trained sea lions
which have been showing for some
years at the music-halls, you need not
trouble to practise the subterfuges given
above. On the enemy's submarine
making her appearance on the starboard
side you should lower your sea lion over
the port side, preferably near the stern,
having previously attached to it a bomb
connected with wires to a battery.
When the sea lion is close to the sub-
marine just press the button. Possibly
you will lose your pet, but the general
result should be satisfactory.
Owing to unavoidable circumstances
you may not be able to put into practice
any of these hints. If that be so, when
the enemy comes aboard, work up a
heated discussion on the origin of the
War. If skilfully managed, you should
draw into the discussion the entire
company of the submarine, with the
result that you will make time and
possibly be got out of your difficulty by
one of our patrol ships.
Should all and every one of these
expedients be useless, as a forlorn hope
you should read aloud the appropriate
clauses of the Hague Convention, and
I at the same time take the names and
j addresses of the boarding party for
1 future reference.
If you have an amateur photographer
aboard, let him get going. The pay-
ment made by illustrated papers for
pictures that reproduce the sinking of
your ship will probably exceed the
value of the ship, so that in any case
your owners will not lose by the deal.
But it is always best, where possible,
to sink the submarine.
From a letter in Tlie Liverpool
Echo :—
" At a time like this wo must be prepared
to have our prejudices shattered. When the
whole world has been turned upside down,
I is it fair that women should be It'ft standing
still?"
It is a delicate question, and the
women must be left to take up their
own position in the matter.
10
IM-NVlf, OR TIIK LONDON CHARIVARI. ;_
to, inn.
Village Constable (to the Vicar, who has beer, hurraing to fetch fire engine). ."So
: A-WATCHIX' THAT LIGHT. PlDN'T EXPECT TO RUN INTO ME, DID YOU? '0\V 'M I TO KJ
So YOL'It 'Ol'SK IS AFIIIF,, IS IT? All! I'Vll BIN
NOW YOU BAIN'T SICNAI.LIH" TO GEHMANY?"
JOHNSON.
AViiKX Hie task of training scholars Johnson manfully
essayed
'At a school \vliose Kton collars wore ifte finest aver made,
It was largely lack of dollars drove him to the teaching
trade.
Nature meant, had Fate allowed, him to command a l.b.cl.,
Both his parents gladly vowed him to the service of the sea,
But the Navy doctors ploughed him for some itis of the
knee.
Yet, in spite of this embargo, he had spent each Oxford
vac.
In n tramp as supercargo or on board- a fishing-smack,
Till of sailors' lore' and ai'fjol he was full as ho could pack.
In the sphere of gerund-grinding Johnson wasn't a success ;
Boys are ovcrproue to finding fault with masters who
transgress
Eules which they consider binding in regard to form and
diess.
Johnson's taste was always slightly on In- in his ties and
caps ;
Furthermore ho never lightly saw the fun of booby traps ;
And he clouted, none too lightly, l;oys who larked with
•watertaps.
Some considered him half-witted, or at best a harmless
freak ;
Some reluctantly admitted that lie knew a lot of Greek ,
All agreed he was unfitted for the calling of a " beak."
So, reluctantly returning to their mid-autumnal grind.
Nearly all the boys, on learning Mr. Johnson had resigned,
Showed the usual unclisccruing acquiescence of their .kind.
Thus he passed unmonrned, unheeded, by nine boys in
ev'ry ten,
\nd as week to week succeeded, bringing Cbri. t ua's near
again,
Quite a miiaele was needed to recall him to their ken.
Deeds that merit lasting glory almost daily leap -to light ;
Mut one morning brought a story which was " excellently
bright,"
And the Head, rotundo ore, read it out in Hall that night.
'Twas a tale of nerve unshrinking of a "sweeper" oil the
Tyne,
Which had rescued from a sinking trawler, scattered by a
mine,
Though a submarine was slinking in her wake, a crew o*
nine.
Well, you won't be slow in guessing at the gillant
skipper's name,
Or from whom the most caressing message to the hero
came —
Boys are generous in redressing wrongs for which they are
to blame.
Johnson still continues "sweeping," in the best of trim
and cheer,
As indifferent to reaping laurels as immune from fear,
While five hundred boys are keeping friendly watch on
bis career.
PUNCH. OH TIIK LONDON CM Alt! \ AHF. KKHMUART 1 ». 1915.
THE OUTCAST.
A rr-ACE IN THE SHADOW.
FKURUARY 10, 191o.] PUNCH, OK TI I K L<>N1)ON < 'II A HI V.\ |{|.
113
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
(KXTIUCTKD I ItOM Till: DfAllY OF TOTIY, M.I'.)
House of Commons, Tuesday, 2nd
February. — First business on resump-
tion of sittings after Kccess was issue
of writ for election of Member for Ship-
Joy Division of Yorkshire to till the seat
of PERCY IM.INGWORTII, whoso place on
Treasury Bench and in Whips' Room
will know him no more.
Herein a tragedy notable even amid
absorbing interest of the War. When
in last week of November IIouso ad-
journed for recess, the CHIEF LIHEHAL
WHIP was in what seemed to be per-
fection of health. A little tired perhaps
with exhausting labour of prolonged
Session, but cheerily looking forward
to interval of comparative lest. Physic-
ally and intellectually in the prime of
life, he had happy constitutional turn of
making the best of everything. A good
sportsman, a famed footballer, healthy
in mind and body, ho habitually
counteracted influence of sedentary
life by outdoor exercise. If ono had
cast an eye round Benches on both
siuos and estimated which was the
most likely man for whoso county or
borough a writ would, on reassem-
bling of Parliament, be raoved to fill
vacancy created by his death, one
would last of all have thought of
PERCY ILLINGWORTH.
Two years ago selection by PRIXIK
MINISTKU of a young, comparatively
unknown, inexperienced man to fill
important post of Chief Ministerial
Whip was regarded with some surprise.
That shrewd judge of character and
capacity as usual justified by the event.
II/LINGWOHTH speedily made his mark.
Courteous in manner, frank in speech,
swift and capable in control of circum-
stance, ho gained, and in increasing
measure maintained, that confidence
and personal popularity indispensable
to the successful Whip.
Pleasant for his many friends to think
that he lived long enough to have con-
ferred upon him a Privy Councillorship
— a simple title, but good enough for
PEEL and GLADSTONE, and for DIZZY
throughout the plenitude of his prime.
It was not without oaiotion that
GULLAND, promoted totho Chair in the
Whips' Room vacated by his esteemed
Leader, moved the writ. He was com-
forted and encouraged by hearty cheers,
not wholly confined to Ministerial sido,
approving the PREMIER'S choice.
Full hut not crowded attendance
such as usually foregathers on opening
days of the school at Westminster.
Khaki - clad warriors moving about
House and Lobbies witli martial step
suggested explanation of falling-oil'.
Two hundred Members are at the Front
on activo service, a score or more en-
gaged in civilian service in connection
with the War.
Business brief, curiously lifeless.
Only ono Question on Printed Paper
where in ordinary times not unusual
PnOMOTED TO THE ClIAIR IN 111E WlIIPH1
ROOM.
(Mn. J. W. CULLAHD.)
to find two hundred. On motion for
adjournment, made within twenty
minutes of SPEAKER'S taking the Chair,
number of desultory topics were in-
troduced by way of cress-examination
of Ministers. No disposition shown to
pursue them in controversial mood.
At 4.30 House adjourned.
ON THK OLD TACK.
(Mn. GINNELL.)
Business done. — Both Houses re-
assembled after Winter Recess. In
Commons PREMIER announced that
Government will take the whole time
for official business. Private Members
and their Bills thus shunted, it will not
be necessary to meet on Fridays.
Wednesday. — Gloom that lies like a
pall over House momentarily lifted by
unexpected agency. As at tho circus
when things arc drifting into dullness
the Clown suddenly enters, displacing
monotony by merriment, so when
Questions about enemy alien and tho
sacredness of the rights of private
Members had droned along for some
time Mr. GINNMLI., who classifies him-
self as "an Independent Nationalist,"
presented himself from below Gang-
way. First distinguished himself above
common horde on occasion of elec-
tion of SrKAKKit at opening sitting
of present Parliament. Tho SPEAKER
being as yet non-existent, the authority
of the Chair undelegated, ho had House
at his mercy. Might talk as long as he
pleased, say what he thought proper,
with none to call him to order. Used
opportunity to make violent personal
attack on SPEAKER-DESIGNATE.
Up again now on same tack. Appears
that yesterday he handed in at tho
Table two Bills he proposed to carry
through. No record of the procedure
on to-day's Paper. Mr. GINNELL smelt
a rat. He " saw it moving in the air "
in person of the SPEAKER, who was
" perverting against the House powers
conferred on him for tho maintenance
of its functions and its privileges."
Mr. GINNELL not sort of man to stand
this. Proposed to indict SPEAKER for
misconduct. But not disposed to be
unreasonable ; always ready to oblige.
" If," he said, addressing the SPEAKER,
" I should be out of order now, may I
to-morrow call attention to your con-
duct in tho Chair? "
SPEAKER cautiously replied that be-
fore ruling on the point he would like
to see the terms of motion put down on
the Paper.
Thereupon Mr. GINNELL proceeded
to read a few remarks not entirely
complimentary to the SPEAKER, which
for greater accuracy he had written out
on what PRINCE ARTHUR once alluded
to as a sheet of notepaper. Holding
this firmly with both hands, lest some
myrmidon of the Chair should snatch
it from him, ho emphasised his points
by bobbing it up and down between his
chin and his knee. Whilst primarily
denunciatory of the SPEAKER he had
a word to say in reproof of PRIME
MINISTER, whose concession to private
Members of opportunity for an hour's
talk on motion for adjournment he
described as being "like cutting off a
private Member's head, then clipping
off a portion of his ear and throwing it
to his relatives."
Business done. — Without division
House consented that Government
business shall have precedence on every
day the House sits. PREMIER in exqui-
site phrases lamented the early cutting-
114
1-rxrii. OR TOE~LONLON CTfARIVARI. [FKIBUABT 10. 1915.
PEOPLE WHO OUGHT TO BE INTERNED.
"I MIGHT LKT IlAROLI, C.O TO THE FRONT IP I THOUGHT IT lUlU.IA" NECESSARY. BUT THKP.K ARE SO MANY BOYS WHO ARE MORE
USED TO ROUGHINC. IT. You SK.r, HAROLD HAS BEEN SO VERY CAREFULLY BROUGHT VF."
off of PERCY ILLINQWORTH, of whom
lie said : " No man had imbibed and
assimilated with more zest and sym-
pathy that strange, indefinable, almost
impalpable atmosphere compounded of
old traditions and of modern influences
which preserves, ns we all of us think,
the unique but indestructible person-
ality of the most ancient of the deliber-
ative assemblies of the world."
Impossible more fully and accurately
to describe that particular quality of
the House of Commons which every
one who intimately knows it feels but
would hesitate to attempt to define.
Thursday. — Noble Lords are studi-
ously and successfully disposed to con-
ably one of the most
esteemed
among Peers. There have been crises
in history of present Parliament when,
ST. VALENTINE'S DAY, 191").
A Missive from lite Front.
through attitude taken by extreme par- [ J5UE the first grey , dawn has banished
tisans, he has found himself in difficult j Restless night "and -her alarms,
situation. Invariably circumvented it. \Vlien the sleeper'ssnores have vanished
Without making pretension to be a{ On the order " Stand to arms'. "
Parliamentary orator— pretension of \yhen the ^sky is bleak and dreary
any kind is foreign to his nature — he And the rain is chill and thin,
has the gift of saying the right thing : j)e j ne'er so damp and weary,
in appropriate words at the proper! Yet my thoughts on You I pi ti.
moment. Looks a little worn down
with long seclusion in sick chamber. When the bullets fly unheeded
But, as the House noticed with satis- ' O'er the meagre parapet,
faction gracefully reflected by Lord ; As I pace my ditch impeded
By the squelching mud and wet;
When I eat my Army ration
With my fingers caked in clay —
You can stake your toial cash on
Me remembering You this day.
CHKWE, "is unimpaired in his power
of Parliamentary expression."
real passing emotion. Mastersof them- j This afternoon, to debate on Lord
selves though China fall, even should it ' PAHMOOK'S Bill amending Defence of
drag down with it Japan and Korea.1 Itcalm Act he contributed a weighty
Return of Lord LAXSPOWNK after pro- [speech instinct with sound constitu-
-
longed bout of illness, an event so tional principle"!.
popular that it broke through this iron Business clone. — In Commons
shield of hereditary conventionality. McKuxsA found opportunity of refuting
I li* reappearance welcomed from both | by statement of simple facts cireum-
sides with hearty cheer, in volume more stantial fables about Home Ollice
nearly approaching Houseof Commons
habit than
Lords.
what is familiar iu the
LKADF.R OF OPPOSITION is unquestion-
: Though the glittering knight whc89
charger
Bore him on his lady's quest
With an infinitely larger
Share of warfare's pomp was blest,
patronage of ex-German waiters. Sup- ' Y'et he offered love no higher, -
No more difficult to quench,
Than this filthy occupier
Of an unromantic trench.
plementary Estimates for Civil Service
voted. House counted out at 5.40.
Adjourned till Monday.
10, 1915.] PUNCH, OR TIIK LONDON rilAIUVAIir.
L1S
Recruit (wlio had given his age as 33 on enlistment). " DID YOU 'EAB THAT? TOLD HE MY BRIDLE WASN'T PUT ON RIGHT I
'is BLOOMIN' INNOCENCE! AND ME Bra IN A BACIN' STABLE FOB THE LAST FIVE-AND-THIBTY YEAB!"
JII.K.-.S
A TERRITORIAL IN INDIA.
IV.
MY DEAR Mr. Punch, — In case you
formed any mental pictures of my first
Christmas as a Territorial in India, let
mo hasten to assure you that every
single one of them was wrong. I
neither took part in the uproarious
festivities of the Barracks nor shared
the more dignified rejoicings of the
Stall' Oilice in which 1 am condemned
for a time to waste my military talents.
An unexpected five days' holiday, and
a still more unexpected windfall of
Ks. 4 as a Christmas Box (fabulous
gift for an impecunious private) enabled
me to pay a visit to some relatives,
who live at, well . One has to bo
careful. The Germans are getting
desperate, and they would give worlds
to know exactly where 1 am.
- is a place rich in historical
interest and scenic beauties. Freed
from the rigid bonds of military disci-
pline and the still more hampering
restrictions of official routine, I was at
liberty to enjoy them to the full. It
was the opportunity of a lifetime to see
something of the real India. Did 1
take it ? No, Mr. Punch, to be honest,
I did not.
After hundreds of years (so it seems)
of Army active service rations, of
greasy mess tins and enamelled iron
mugs, I found myself suddenly con-
fronted by civilised food waiting to be
eaten in a civilised fashion. And I fell.
Starting with cliota hazri at 7 A.M., I
ate steadily every day till midnight.
That is how I spent my holiday. I
may as well complete this shameful
confession ; it was the best time I ever
had in my life.
I feel confident that my stomachic
feats will never be forgotten in .
I shouldn't be surprised if in years to
came the natives are found worshipping
a tree trunk or stone monolith rudely
carved into the semblance of an obese
Territorial. It is pleasant to think that
one may even have founded a new
religion.
But I am grieved and troubled about
one thing. I ate plantains and guavus
and sweet limes and Cape gooseberries
and pomolos and numberless other
Indian fruits (O bliss !), but not custard
apples. Custard apples, it appears, are
the best of all, and they went out of
I season just before I arrived in India
and will not come into season again
for months and months.
I am confident that you will appre-
ciate my predicament. I want the War
to finish quickly, but I want to eat
custard apples. I want to get to the
Front and have a go at the Germans,
but I desire passionately to eat custard
apples. I want to get home again to
you, hut after all I have heard about
them I feel that my life will have been
lived in vain if I do not eat custard
apples. It is a trying position.
Home was very much in my thoughts
at Christmas time. The fact of having
relatives around me, the plum pudding,
the mince pies, the mistletoe, the clean
plates, the china cups and saucers, the
crackers, the cushions, the absence of
stew, — all these and many other cir-
cumstances served to remind me vividly
of the old life in England. 'And when
regretfully I left , and (like a true
soldier cheerfully running desperate
risks) travelled back in a first-class
carriage with a third-class ticket, I
found at the Office yet another re-
minder of homo and the old days. My
kindly colleagues had determined that
I should not feel I was in a strange
land amid alien customs. They had
let all the work accumulate while I
was away and had it waiting for mo
in a vast pile on my return.
That is why this is such a short
letter.
Yours ever,
ONE OF THE PUNCH BRIGADE.
THE CHEERY DOGS.
I.— Mr. A.
• WKLL, what have we done?— that's
vliat I want to know. Whore are the
lermans? In Franco ami Belgium.
Where are wo? This side of them.
Where is their Navy? Still only too
active. And so it goes on. My dear
cllow, I like to bo cheerful, hut you
;ive me no material to do it on. 'ihe
'old truth is that we are just where we
were months ago. 'Time is on our
side,' you say. May bo ; but the War
:an't go on for ever, and meanwhile
ook at things here— food rising, coal
rising, distress all around. What do
you think the income-tax is going to be
soon? Ha! Still it does not do to air
these opinions and doubts. Wo must
all be gay. That is our first duty."
II.— Mr. B.
' Yes, of course there 's Russia, as
you say. But what is Russia? You
know what Russia is. They've no
heart in fighting, and I'm told that
many personages in high places, and
one very high indeed, are moving
at this moment towards peace. That
would be a nice thing, wouldn't it? It
would liberate all the East frontier
men and guns to come over to the West.
And there 's another thing about Russia
too— how is it to get any more ammu-
nition into the country with Archangel
frozen? I suppose you know that we
have been supplying them with ammu-
nition ever since the start ; and there 's
precious little left, I can tell you. You
didn't know that? You surprise me.
No, it doesn't do to lean too much on
Russia. And money too. Where is
that coming from? For ultimately,
you know, all wars are fought with
money. We shall have to find that
too. So it isn't too easy to grin, is
it? And yet I flatter myself that I
succeed in conveying an impression
of distinct optimism."
III.— Mr. C.
" Well, of course, if all the naturalised
Germans in this country are not in-
terned we have only ourselves to thank
if we are completely conquered. Think
of the terrible advantage to the enemy
to have waiters spying on the guests in
hotels and at once communicating with
Berlin ! What chance have we if that
kind of thing goes on? I was in an
hotel at Aylesbury only yesterday, and
I am sure a waiter there was a German,
although he was called Swiss. He
watched everything I ate. I tell you
there are German spies everywhere.
What can a waiter at Aylesbury tell
Berlin? Ah! that's what we don't
understand. But something of the
highest moment and all to our disad-
vantage in war. But we have spies
too? Never. I can't believe that
England would ever be clever enough
to make use of any system of secret
service. No, Sir, we 're back numbers.
Still, it mustn't get out. We must all
pretend, as I do, that everything is all
right."
IV.— Mr. D.
" I don't like the look of things^ in
America, I can assure you. Anything
hut satisfactory. DERNBURO 's a clever
fellow and the politicians can't forget
what the German vote means to them.
I see nothing but trouble for us there.
This Shipping Purchase Bill— that's
very grave, you know ; and they don't
lilce us — it's no use pretending that
they do. I read an extract only this
morning from a most significant article
in The Wells Fargo Tri-WeeUy Leaflet
which shows only too clearly how the
wind is blowing. No, I view America
and its share in the future with the
gloomiest forebodings, although of
course I do my best to conceal them.
To the world I turn as brave a face as
anyone, I trust."
rag party politics in now. We must
o solid for the country, and if anyone
aises his voice against the Liberals in
my presence he gets it hot, I can tell
you. None the less a good rousing
ittack by BONAB LAW on the Govern-
ment, root and branch, every few days
vould be a grand thing. As I always
ay, the duty of the Opposition is to
ippose."
And these arc not all.
V.—Mr. E.
"I don't doubt the bravery of the
French ; but what I do say is, where is
the advance we were promised ? Nib-
bling is all very well, but meanwhile
men are dying by the thousand, and
the Germans are still in the invaded
country. I hear too of serious disaffec-
tion in France. There's a stop-the-
war party there, growing in strength
every day. We '11 have 'em here soon
mark my words. The French have no
stomach for long campaigns. They
want their results quickly, and then
back to their meals again. I take a
very serious view of the situation, I cai
tell you, although I do all I can to
keep bright and hopeful, and disguis<
my real feelings."
\I.—Mr. F.
"This activity of the German sub
marines is most depressing. Man fo
man we may have a better navy, bu
when it comes to submarines they bea
us. What kind of chance have w
against these stealthy invisible death-
dealers ? They 're the things that are
going to do for us. I can see it coming.
But I keep the fact to myself as much
as possible — one must not be a wet
blanket."
VII.— Mr. G.
" If only we had a decent govern-
ment, instead of this set of weaklings, I
should feel more secure. But with this
Cabinet — some of them pro-Germans
at heart, if the truth were known — what
can you expect? Still, one must not
REVERSES.
(From the Front.)
UST a line to let you know, Jim, how
all goes.
Well, in spite of Bosches, rain and
mud and muck,
! 've had nothing to complain of as I
knows
Till last week, when comes a run of
rotten luck.
First, a Black Maria busts aside o' me,
And I lost, well, I should say a hun-
dred fags !
Then I goes and drops a line mouth-
organ — see?
And it sinks in one of these here
slimy quags.
Then I chucks my kit down when we
charged next day
(You 've no use for eighty pounds odd
when you sprints),
And while we was at it, what d'yer
think, mate, eh ?
Why, some blighter pinched my tin
o' peppermints 1
Crool luck, warn't it ? But I 'in pretty
bobbish still —
Here 's the Surgeon come, a very
decent bloke ;
I 'in in horspital, I should 'a' said —
not ill,
Just my right leg crocked and four
or five ribs broke.
First Lessons in Seamanship.
Extract from the CHURCHILL inter-
"Paclnghis room thoughtfully, Mr. Churchill
paused before a globe which he twirled round
in his fingers like the rudder of a ship."
This is "What 'Roger* Hears" in
The Northampton Daily Chronicle :—
"That a burglar, entered 34, Birchfield
road, Northampton, last evening, and de-
camped with several articles of jewellery while
the residents, Mr. and Mrs. Mace, were out
for an hour and a half.
That the Belgian guests who are being so
generously entertained by the Mount Pleasant
friends were present, and rendered musical
items."
On police whistles, we hope.
K,:I:I:UAKY 10, 191V] PUNCH, (Hi TIIK LONDON CIIAIM VAIM.
117
-
!*«> *. S> ? ^fr
Small boy. " WHAT 'a ON THE POSTER, MOTHER?"
Mother. "ONLY 'MORE GAINS AND LOSSES," BUT WHETHER ON oun SIDE OR THE OTHER IT DOESN'T BAY.'
BROKEN MELODIES.
'•AREN'T music publishers madden-
ing?" said Clarice. "Hero's a tuno
tluifc promises awfully well, and breaks
off suddenly."
I went over to the piano.
On the music-rest was a sheet of
music, back to front, showing the open-
ing bars of several songs the publishers
wished to commend to our notice ;
appetisers, as it were.
Clarice played the opening bars, the
only ones which were given.
" Please continue," I said ; " I 'm
beginning to like it already."
" How can I ? " said Clarice. " How
do I know how it goes on ? ] t 's simply
maddening."
"Aren't there any rules?" I said.
" \\ hat I moan is, ilon't certain notes
follow certain other notes? "
" Not necessarily," said Clarice.
" Why should they? "
" Why shouldn't they ? " I persisted.
" In hockey, footer, billiards and the
other arts certain movements are in-
evitably followed by certain conse-
quences. It ought to be the same in
music. However, as a poet it is tho
words which really interest me. Listen
to this : ' Somebody whispered to me
yeslrc'en, Somebody whispered to rue,
And my heart gave a flutter and — '
Ah, of course I know — and I trod on
the butter."
" Winch soon wasn't Jit to be seen,"
said Clarice.
" Bravo," I said, "very soulful. Now
look at the one above it : ' The rosy glow
of summer is on thy dimpled cheek,
While — ' There 's a poser for you."
"Oli, how pretty!" said Clarice.
" And listen to the tune." She played
what notes there were two or three
times over. " I really must get that
one," she added.
" Do," I said. " I should like to
hear more about that girl. These
publishers know how to whet one's
appetite, don't they ? By Jove, here "s
a gem — • / sal by the window dream-
ing, In the hush of eventide, Of
the ' Now what does one dream
about at that time? "
"You dream of dinner chiefly, I've
noticed," said Clarice.
"That's the idea," I said. "Of
tho soup (tomato) steaming. The steak
and mushrooms fried. Who's the
publisher? "
" Crammer," said Clarice.
I took up another sheet of music
and hunted for more treasure. " Here 's
something fruity," I said, " published
by Scarey and Co. : ' Oh, the lover hills
are happy at the dawning of the day ;
There arc winds to kiss and bless us,
there is ' "
" What?" said Clarice.
" How should I know ? " I said.
" Let 's get the song and find out.
Get them all, in fact."
" Do you think we ought to ? " said
Clarice.
" Yes, certainly," I siid. " It 's good
for trade. My motto is 'Music as
Usual during tho War.' "
The Contractor's Touch.
From a label on a tin of Army jam : —
"DAMSON AND APPLK,
From Seville Oranges and Kelincd Sugar only."
Thus monotony is avoided.
"In standing at ease recruits will not
carry the left leg twelve paces to the left, and
balance the body on both legs equally." —
Royal Magazine.
Probably they think that they would
not feel really at ease if they did.
Personally we find that two paces and
a half is our limit.
118
PUNCH, Oil THE LONDON CHAKIVARI. [FKBBUABT 10. 1915.
MORE THAN TWO.
Host. No, please don't sit there.
1st Un,"^t. Oh yes I much prefer it.
tl;j</ Guest. Do let me.
1 can't have you sitting there.
' 1 like being
AT THE PLAY.
"A BUSY DAY."
I HAVE always wanted to be a grocer.
To spend the morning arranging
1st Guest. I assure you
back to the driver.
li.ist. No, if anyone sits there, natur-
ally it must 1)0 me.
Hurst. Do l;-t mo.
l.sf C,'»rs/. Not at all.
2nd Guest. 1 assure you 1 prefer it
too.
HOT*. No, sit lieiv. When you re
both comfortably settled, 1 '11 Ret in.
1st Guest. O'.i no, please. 1 'in sure
you never sit there. I hate to take
away your own place.
Guest. Do let me.
Host. I insist.
1st Guest. Please don't say any more
about it. Keo, 1 'm in now and quite
comfy.
Host. It 'a very wrong of you to be
there.
2nd Guest. Do let me.
Host. Can't I persuade you to change?
1st Guest. No.
2nd Guest. Do let me.
Host. Well, it 's very wrong. I know
that.
1st Guest. Please let us get on now.
I never was more comfy in my life.
Host. You're sure?
2nd Guest. Do let me.
Host. But it 's most unsatisfactory.
1st Guest. Not at all.
Host. Then you're sure you're all
right?
1st Guest. Absolutely. I love it here.
Host. Very well then. (Sighs.)
2nd Guest. Do let me.
1st Guest. No, .we're all fixed now.
Host. All right. (To chauffeur) Let
her gol (To' 1st Guest) It's a great
shame, though.
1st Guest. I love it.
2nd Guest. I do wish you had let
me.
And that is what happens wheneve:
three polite people are about to ride in
a rpotor-car. -
the
currants in the window; to spend
'with a
the afternoon recommending
parent's partiality) such jolly things as
bottled gooseberries and bloater paste;
to spend tho evening examining the till
and wondering if you have got off tho
bad half-crown yet— that is a life. Many
rocers, I believe, do not realise it, and
nvy (foolishly enough) the dramatic
ritic, knowing little of tho troubles
idden behind his apparently spotless
hirt-front ; but even they will admit
lat to be a grocer for an hour would
e fun.
Shares.
" A purse, containing sum of money ; owne
can have some." — Adrt. in " I'ortsinout'
Krcniny ti'eirs."
And the finder may keep the rest fo
his trouble.
Chronicle (Kingston
of tho new Militar
The Daily
Jamaica) says
Decoration : —
" It is of silver, and bi:ars the iinpcn;
crown on each arm and in the centre th
letters 'O.R.I.' (George, ex-Jmpor.itor)."
At least that 'a WILLIAM'S interpreta
tion of it.
Yet somehow the shop scene was
not the success it should have been.
The First and Third Acts were better;
they loft more to Mr. UAWTKEY. When
Mr. CAUTON is trying to be funny, oven
Mr. HAWTREY cannot help him much ;
but when ho is taking it easily then he
and Mr. HAWTHMY together aro delight-
ful. Mr. .KmvAiin FITZGERALD as an
Irish waiter was a joy. Miss COMPTON
was Miss COMPTON ; if you like her (as
I do), then you like her. The others had
not much chance. Jt is a UAWTKEY
evening, and (as such) an oasis in a
desert of War thoughts.
M.
CLEAN BRITISH HUMOUR.
• (As the saying is.)
MB. HAWTREY AND Hiss COMPTON EX-
CHANGE BADINAGE OVEB A BAE OF SOAP.
And that (very nearly) was Lord
Charles Tcmperleigh's luck. Being a
spendthrift he "was kept at The Bun-
galow, Ash ford,- without money ; he
escaped to the shop of bis old nurse at
Mudborough, with the idea of borrow-
ing from her — and if you are a clever
dramatist you can easily arrange that
he should be left alone in the shop and
mistaken for the genuine salesman.
Unfortunately for my complete happi-
ness (and no doubt Lord Charles's too)
the shop was a chandler's; however, if
that is not the rose, it is at least very
near it. The chandler sells soap and
the grocer sells cheese, and you can
make a joko about the likeness as
Mr. E. C. CARTON did. And if Lord
Charles should happen to be Mr.
CHARLES HAWTBEY and he should be
accompanied by Miss COMPTON, you can
understand that this and 'other jokes
would lose nothing in their delivery.
A PRELUDE.
[" Birds in London aro already growing
alive to the approach of Spring." — The Times.]
A PORTLY, fancy-vested thrush,
That carolled, on a wintry spray,
A crazy song of Spring-time — Ilush !
No, not the one
By MENDELSSOHN
Victorian Britons used to play,
But just the sort of casual thing
An absent-minded bird might sing.
Observing whom — "Alas," I said,
" Good friend, how premature your
theme !
By some phenomenon misled,
You 've overshot
The date a lot ;
Things are so seldom what they
sesm ! "
'Then hear the simple truth," quoth
he,
'For that's another rarity.
'There is a foreign, furious man,
That sends great engines through
the ail-
To deal destruction where they can,
To rain their fires
On ancient spires,
Ousting the birds that settle there,
And agitates, of fixed intent,
Our ploasaunce in the firmament.
"And everybody says the Spring
Will see him pay the price of it,
So that is why 1 choose to sing
What isn't true —
But as for you,
Be off and do your little bit !^
It 's not for you to stand and quiz —
The season 's what I say it is ! "
" A Chicago Rcxiter message says that Hugl
Henderson has won the American draught
championship hy defeating Alfred Jordan, th
London champion.
Draught horses were in most demand a
Aldridge's, St. Martin's-l;ine, yesterday, am
the sums obtained ranged from 30gs. to 49gs."
Daily Telegraph.
Tho forty-nine guinea one has chal-
lenged HUGH HENDERSON.
EBBWUBT 10, 10W.] PUNCH. OK THK LONDON CIIAIM VAIM.
ll'j
'
ifjaaanwTi —
yjlfflffi f JT
-K! fc 4j /J
< Coast Farmer. "HAVE I REALLY TO DO THIS wi' ALL MY BEASTS, IP so BE AS THE GERMANS LAND IN THESE PARTS.' '
Officer. "YES. LIVE STOCK OF EYKHY DESCRIPTION HAS TO BE HIIANDED AND DRIVEN WEST."
Farmer. "I CAN KKE MY WAY ALL RKiin EXCEPT FOR MY BEES. WHAT AM I TO DO wi' MY BEES?".
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)
TIIHHE are few living writers of romance who can carry
tho sword and doublet with the ease of Miss MAIUOIUK
HOWF.N. She lias long since proved herself a practised
mistress of medievalism, and TJie Carnival of Florence
(MBTHUEN) finds her therefore on sure ground. It is a
pleasantly stimulating tale of love and adventure in the days
of SAVONAROLA. The heroine is one Aprilis, a fair Floren-
tine whose matrimonial affairs were complicated by the
fact that early in the story she had been abducted (strictly
pour le Ion motif in order to score off the gentleman to
whom she was then engaged) by the too notorious PIEBO
DEI MEDICI. The unfortunate results were twofold, for
though Aprilis was returned unharmed to her father's
hous;> her noble betrothed would have no more of her, so
she had to put up with another husband who took her for
chanty, and to sutler in addition the pangs of unrequited
love for the Lord of Florence whom she was unable to
forget. What happened — how the MEDICI were turned
from their heritage, and tho part played in all this by tho
grim Revivalist of San Marco — is the matter of a story well
worth reading. As is his way with tales in which he
appears, the figure of SAVONAROLA comes gradually to
dominate the whole; did he not even master GEORGE
ELIOT? Tho present story is dedicated "In Memory of
Florence, Summer 1914." Presumably, therefore, Miss
J3owEN shares with me certain memories that have been
very vividly recalled by her pages— memories of a June
evening when, as in the days of which she writes, the
Piazza della Hignoria echoed to the clash of swords and
the tumult of an angry mob. That it has thus reminded
me of what would, but for greater happenings since, have
been one of my most thrilling chimney-corner reminis-
cences, is among the pleasures that I owe to a stirring and
successful novel.
Among my favourite gambits in lictiou is the return to bis
impoverished home of one who left it a supposed wastrel,
and has now lots and lots of money. Personally, if I have
a preference, it is that my wanderer should be at first
unrecognised ; but I am perhaps too fastidious. Certainly
I am not going to complain about Big Tremaine (MILLS
AND BOON) just because when he came hack to the Virginian
township that he had quitted as a bank thief his old
coloured nurse saw through him in once. There is, of
course, Homeric precedent for the situation ; it is one that,
deftly handled, can scarcely fail of its effect. And the
story of Big Tremaine is very deftly handled almost all
through. MARIE VAN VORST evidently knows the gentle
Southern life thoroughly ; her pictures of it have served
to increase my conviction that Virginia must be one of the
pleasantest places on earth. Not less true and delicate is
her treatment of the relations between masterful Tremaine
and the gently obstinate mother who turns so slowly from
distrust to adoration of her returned son. There are, in
short, a great many qualities in this story that I have
120
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [FEBRUARY 10, 1915.
found vastly agreeable. Also what seems to me one big
defect. But as this latter is so far essential that without
it there would bo no story 1 am unable further to tell
you about it. Still, I am bound to say that its revelation
was a nasty shock to my admiration, which had been
roused more than anything else by Hie sincerity and un-
conventionality of the argument. This is a matter on
which you shall pass your own verdict. Mine would be
"A Happy Ending committed through unjustified fear of the
libraries " ; and in view of the charm of her earlier chapters
I should discharge the author with a friendly caution.
Most of us might freely confess to some vagueness in our
minds as to " the social and
economic state of things in j
the Prairie Provinces of the
Dominion," and not a few
of us are ready to spend
five shillings and a leisure
hour or two in finding out
for certain, if only to be
prepared with a refuge in
the event of England being
Teutonised. Miss E. B.
MITCHELL, the author of In
Westfrn Canada Before the
War (MCBBAY), knows her
subject at first hand and
deals with the right matter
in the right manner for our
purpose; that is to say,
she is discriminating in her
selection of topics and is
always pleasant if never
violently exciting or amus-
ing in her treatment of
them. The book is short,
as such books should be ;
it does not pretend to be
exhaustive, yet it leaves a
very clear and precise im-
pression on the mind. But
(and every intelligent reader
will have been waiting for
this " but ") why on earth
should it be called In
Western Canada Before the
book, and distinctly likes that uncharacteristic Cheltenham
boy, Augustus Clickson, who helps little John Hazard to
find a job. John was very small and ineffectual and en-
gaging, and his V.C. father had loft the family wofully
ill "off, and John felt it was up to him to do something
about it. He meets the Hawker, who has a comforting
habit of turning up at odd moments and assuring people
that there 's a way out of every difficulty, whereas the old
lady, Mrs. Letitlie, asserted roundly and frequently that
there was none. Then we have a nice wild unpractical
Professor and a perplexed archaeologist who get tangled in
the skein ; as also a spy, and, in fact, any old person and
thing that occurred to the writer. There's enough good
stuff and good humour in
this queer patchwork to
make me sure that any de-
fect is one merely of form,
and I would wagor that it
was tho Hotting Hill hero,
before alluded to, that was
responsible for setting our
author on a dangerous path.
ill
Voice on teleplume (from licrlin),
SUEZ CANAL YET?"
Turk. " YES — OFTEN ! "
War, seeing that it was
clearly written without any
thought of the present
European conditions and would have been published just
about this time even if we had been at peace with everybody
everywhere ? The only reference in point which I can recall
is a passing wonder expressed in a few lines as to what, if
any, effect Armageddon will have in Canada ; this is hardly
enough, I fancy, to justify tho topical suggestion of the
cover. I cannot help feeling that the object of the last three
words of that title was less literary than commercial.
In the City of Under (ARNOLD) shows Miss EVKLYNE
RYND to have quite a pretty talent in tho not unattractive
rjcnrc of fantastic incoherence something after the pattern
of The Napoleon of Nailing Hill, though in a less robustious
mood. But I doubt if talent (however pretty) is altogether
sufficient to carry the reader through three hundred pages
with no possible clue as to what it is really all about. All
tho same I do, in justice and most gladly, say that the
author keeps one piqued to the extent of wishing to find
out ; one also loses all suspicion of its being an improving
The Seventh Post Card
(GBKENING) was one of a
series written anonymously,
as harbingers of sudden
death, to motor-car drivers
whose bad luck or bad
management had made
them run over a fellow-
creature with capital conse-
quences. Capital, also, for
helping on the plot of the
story; fpr the sudden death
really did come off in such
a considerable number of
cases that we should have
been quite justified in feel-
ing worried when the de-
lightful Joanna, driving the
car belonging to her equally
delightful Jack, was unfor-
tunate enough to knock
down a tramp ; even though
| the immediate consequences
rwhen Jack found her
awakening from uncon-
sciousness by the roadside
were — well, delightful too,
and such as could be expected. Indeed, the sadly-worn
word " delightful " seems somehow applicable to the entire
string of clues, deductions, inquests, murders and other
horrid thrills, or, at any rate, to Mr. FLOWERDEW'S telling of
them. Is my capability for melodramatic emotion declin-
ing, that I thread this maze of tragic mystery in a mood
no more intense than that of comfortable content? Per-
haps ; or it may be only the soothing effect of the author's
clean English, coupled with the conviction that so long as
he takes care to keep Sir Julian Daymont — the famous
novelist-detective — on their side, no serious harm can come
to the people we cave about most. 80, although a really
nasty charge of murdering his grandfather turns up against
tho hero just when things (but for the number of pages
left) are beginning to look prosperous, I can defy you to
get seriously uneasy about his future; and, sure enough,
Sir Conan — I mean Sir Julian — solves the problem in
convenient time to pack the lovers safely off on their
honeymoon. And, really, what more could you ask for?
'WELL, HAVE YOU DAMMED THE
FKHKKAUY 17,
IM'NCII, Oil TIIK LONDON rilAlUVAIM.
121
CHARIVARIA.
TIIK Turks arc now reported to l>o
retiring through tlio dc^e.rl, and the
dummis arc realising' Unit you may
tiikc a horse to the place where theio's
no water, but you cannot make him
drink.
"Rapid progress," we road, " is being
made in the American movement to
supply soldiers at the battle fronts in
Europe with Bible-; punted in their
own languages." \Vo trust that one
will bo supplied to the KAISKK, who,
if he over had one, lias evidently mis-
laid it.
Suggested title for Germany and her
allies — The Hunseatic League.
The Vossische Zcitung,
talking of the proposed
blockade, says, "The d;>
will begin on February JH."
(lei-mania's toe may not bo
light, but it is fantastic.
You may know a man by
the company he keeps. The
KAISKU'S friends are now
the Jolly 1-toger and Sir
Roaiiu CASKMKNT.
* | =;:
Messrs. HACIKNBECK, of
Hamburg, are sending
Major MKHKING, the Ger-
man Commandant at Valen-
ciennes, an elephant. So
we may expect shortly to
be told by wireless that a
largo Indian body has gone
over to the Germans.
The Deutsche Tageszciltmg informs
its readers that " tho men of the
North Lancashire Hegiment recently
attempted to force a swarm of bees to
attack Gorman soldiers, but the bees
turned on tho P.ritish and severely
stung one hundred and twenty of them."
After this success it is reported that
(lie Death's Head Hussars are adopting
a wasp as a regimental pet.
* *
Talking of regimental pets, the lucky
recipient of Princess MAHY'S Christmas
gift that was packed by the QUKKN i.s
Private PET, of tho Loinstor Regiment.
With reference to the private view
of a collapsible hut at the College of
Ambulance last week it is only fair to
say that there is good reason to be-
lieve that not a few of those already
t!)0 casualties to nil has not yet been
adopted. ^ ^
A gentleman has written to The.
Globe to complain that at Charing
Cross Station there are signs printed
in Gorman indicating tho whereabouts
of the booking-oflico, waiting-room, ete.
We certainly think that, while we are
at war, tjhoso ought, so as to confnso
the enemy, to point in wrong directions.
Germany is now suffering from
extreme cold, and the advice to German
housewives to cook potatoes in their
jackets is presumably a measure of
humanity.
To Mr. WATT'S enquiry in tho House
as to how many German submarines
had been destroyed, Mr. CurucHiLL
•• replied, "The German Gov-
, eminent has made no re-
lurn." Let us hope that
tli is is true also of a good
i few of the submarines.
Der Tag, it is announced,
is to bo withdrawn from
; the Coliseum. They could
do with it, we believe, in
Germany. ^ ^
Theatrical folk will be
I interested to hear that in
: the Eastern Theatre of
' War there has been furious
fighting for the passes.
Karl GKKY, speaking at Newcastle
on the War, said that a German pas-
senger on the Vaterland remarked to
him, "Can you wonder that we hunger?
Wo have been hungry for two hundred
i-s and only had one satisfying meal
in 1870. We have become hungry
again." Tho pity, of course, is that
so few Germans can eat quite like
gentlemen.
'*"
The Dorsets, wo are told, have nick-
named their body belts " the dado
round the dining-room." In the whir-
ligig of fashion the freeze is now being
ousted by its predecessor.
* *
Much of tho credit for the admirable
feeding of our Expeditionary Force is
due, we learn, to Brigadier-General
boNct, the Director of Supplies. As
a caustic Tommy, pointing to his
"dining-room," remarked, "one wants
but little hero belosv, but wants that
little Long."
"The power of Great Britain
and her Allies was increasing
daily in strength, whereas tho
p .WIT of her enemies was dis-
tinctly on tho wane. The exist-
ing situation had been brought
erected will shortly come under this I about without the vest resources of the Empire
Turk. "I SAV, YOU FELLOWS! Do YOU SEE THE OTHEK ALLIES
ABE POOLING THEIR FUNDS? CAPITAL IDEA 1 "
description.
Tho Russian Minister of Finance,
M. BAHK, paid a visit to this country
last week, and it is rumoured that he
hod an interview with another financial
magnate, Mr. BEIT, with a view to
forming an ideal combination.
Says an advertisement of tho Blue
Cross Fund : — •" All horses cared for.
Nationality not considered." This
must save the Fund's interpreters a
good deal of trouble.
* *
Tho Corporation of the City of Lon-
don reports that diminished lighting,
so far from increasing tho dangers of
the City streets, has reduced them,
the accidents during the past quarter
being only 331 as compared with 375
a year ago. However, a proposal
that tho lights shall now bo entirely
having yet been called in to play." — Daily Mail.
Are we to understand, that, so far, we
have only called oat the socks and
body-belts ?
"There is but one survival among tho
historic shows of the [Crystal] Palace — a
portion of the Xoo. The monkeys are asking
one another ' What next ? '
A meeting of tho directors of the Crystal
Palace Football Club is to be summoned to
decide on a course of action."
The Krcning AVtrs.
Without wishing to be needlessly
offensive to either of these bodies, we
venture to suggest that they should
combine their deliberations.
•If
England and France keep tho
extinguished with a view to reducing j is to slip over.
police of the sea with tho utmost vigilance, so
that no copper at all can reach Germany and
Austria, tho fate of both Empires seems
certain." — Times.
The land police must be guarded even
more vigorously if " no copper at all "
VOL. CXLVIII.
1-22
PUNCH, OR
(.:nARIVAKL
I7.i>ir,.
THE GODS OF GERMANY.
[A certain German hierarch declares that it goes well with hi*
country. 1 Ic finds it unthinkable that tho enemy should be per mitt, <I
to " trample under foot the fresh, joyous, religious life of Germ.im . ]
Lii'T up your jocnn<l hearts, beloved friends!
From East and West tho heretic comes swooping,
But all in vain his impious strength he spends
If you refuse to let him catch you stooping ;
All goes serenely up to date ;
Lift up your hearts in hope (and hate; !
Deutschland— that beacon in tho general night—
Which faith and worship keep their fixed abode in,
Shall teach the infidel that Might is Eisht,
Spreading the gospel dear to Thor and Odin ;
O let us, in this wicked war,
Stick tight to Odin and to Thor!
Over our race these gods renew their reign;
For them your piety sets the joy-bells pealing ;
Louvain and Eheims and many a shattered fane
Attest the force of your religious feeling;
Not Thor's own hammer could have made
A better job of this crusade.
In such a cause all ye that lose your breath
Shall have a place reserved in high Valhalla ;
And ye shall get, who die a Moslem's death,
The fresh young houri promised you by Allah ;
Between the two— that chance and this —
Your Heaven should be hard to miss. O. S.
THE PASSPORT.
" Francasca," I said, " how would you describe my nose ? "
" Your nose ? " she said.
"Yes," 1 said, "my nose."
" But why," she said, "do you want your nose described? "
" I am not the one," I said, " who wants my nose described.
It is Sir EDWARD GREY, the— ahem — Secretary of State
for Foreign Affairs. Jn the midst of all his tremendous
duties he still has time to ask me to tell him what my
nose is like."
" This," said Francesca, " is the short cut to Colney
Ilatch. Will somebody tell me what this man is talking
about?"
" I will," I said. " I am talking about my nose. There is
no mystery about it."
" No," she said, " your nose is there all right. I can sec
it with the naked eye."
" Do not," I said, " give way to frivolity. I may have to
go to France. Therefore I may want a passport. I am
now filling in an application for it, and I find to my regre
that I have got to give details of my personal appearance
including my nose. I ask you to help me, and all you can
do is to allude darkly to Colney Hatch. Is that kind*
Is it even wifely ? "
" But why can't you describe it yourself? "
" Don't lo absurd, Francesca. What does a man know
about his own nose? He only sees it full-face for a fev
minutes every morning when he 's shaving or parting hi
hair. If he ever does catch a glimpse of it in profile th
dreadful and unexpected sight unmans him and ho does hi
best to forget it. I give you my word of honour, Francesca
I haven't the vaguest notion what my nose is really like."
" Well," she said, " I think you might safely put it do\v:
as a loud blower and a hearty sneezer."
"I'm sure," I said, "that wouldn't satisfy Sir EDWAU
CIKHY. He doesn't want to know what it sounds like, bu
what it looks like."
" How would ' fine and substantial ' suit it ? "
„ Ye— es," I said, " that might do if by ' fine' you mean
elicate "
" I don't," she said.
'• And if ' substantial' is to be equivalent to handsome."
" It isn't," she said.
" Then we '11 abandon that line. How would ' aquiline '
o ? Aren't some noses called aquiline ? "
" Yes," she said, " but yours has never been one of them,
'ry again."
" Francesca," I said pleadingly, " do not suggest to me
hat my nose is turned up, because 1 cannot hear it. I do
ot want to have a turned-up nose, and what 's more I don't
nean to have one, not even to please the British Foreign
)Hice and all its permanent officials."
'It shan't have a turned-up nose, then. It shall have a
ioman nose."
" Bravo 1 " I cried, " Bravo ! Roman it shall be," and I
ipped my pen and prepared to write the word down in the
lank space on the application form.
"Stop!" said Francesca. "Don't do anything rash,
fow that 1 look at you again I 'm not sure that yours
s a Roman nose."
'Oh, Francesca, do not say such cruel, such upsetting
hings. It must, it shall be Roman.".
" What," she asked, " is a Roman nose? "
" Mine is," I said eagerly. " No nose was ever one-half
o Roman as mine. It is the noblest Roman of them all."
' No," she said, with a sigh, " it won't do. I can't pass
t as Roman."
" All right," I said, " I Ml put it down as ' non-Roman.' "
" Yes, do," she said, " and let 's get on to something else."
" Eyes," I said. " How shall I describe them ? "
" Green," said Francesca.
" No, grey."
" Green."
" Grey."
" Let 's compromise on grey-green."
" Right," I said. " Grey-green and gentle. Sir EDWAUD
GREY will appreciate Jhat. Oh, bother ! I 've written it in
the space devoted to ' hair.' However it 's easy to —
" Don't scratch it out," she said. " It 's a stroke of genius,
['ve often wondered what I ought to say about your hair,
and now I know. Oh, my grey-green-and-gentle-haircd
one!"
"Very well," I said, "it shall be as you wish. But what
about my eyes? "
" Write down ' see hair ' in their space and the trick 's
done."
"Francesca," I said, '-you're wonderful this morning.
Now I know what it is to have a real helper. Complexion
next, please. Isn't ' fresh ' a good word for complexion-? "
" Yes, for some."
"Another illusion gone," I said. "No matter; I've
noticed that people who fill up blank spaces always use the
word 'normal' at least once. I shall call my complexion
normal and get it over."
After this there was no further difficulty. I took the
remaining blank spaces in my stride, and in a few minutes
the application form was filled up. Having then secured a
clergyman who consented to guarantee my personal respec-
tability and having attached two photographs of myself I
packed tho whole thing off to tho Foreign Office, i have
not yet had any special acknowledgment from Sir EDWARD
GREY, but I take this opportunity to warn the French
authorities that within a few days a gentleman with a non-
Roman nose, grey-green and gentle hair, see-hair eyes and
a normal complexion may be seeking admission to their
country. R. 0. L.
ITN'CII, OR Till: I/)NI>ON CdAHIVAUI. Efanun 17, 1915.
THE RESOURCEFUL LOVER,
TEUTON Titouiunoru (serenading the fair Columbia). "IF SHE WON'T LISTEN TO MY LOVE-
BONGS, I'LL TRY HER WITH A I5RICK ! "
FEBRUARY 17, 1915.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 125
Bright Youth. "YES, I'M TIHNKIN' OP GETTIN' A COMMISSION IN SOMETHING. WHAT ABOUT JOININ' THAT cuowo WITH THE JOLLY
LITTLE BED TABS ON THEIB COLLARS? THEY LOOK BO DOOCID SMART."
THE WATCH DOGS.
XII.
My DEAR CHARLES, — It must be up-
wards of a month since you heard from
me; I trust you have had sleepless
nights in consequence. To be honest,
I am still in England, prepared to go
out at a moment's notice, sworn to
go, medically approved, equipped and
trained to go, but (my one weakness)
never in fact going. War, of course, is
not open to any member of the public
who cares to turn up on the field and
prollor his entrance-money ; it is an
invitation show, and we have not yet
received our cards.
Poor old Tolley, to whom Armageddon
is an intensely personal affair, and
who interested himself in it from the
purely private motives of the patriot,
in the competitive spirit of the pot-
hunter, or in the wicked caprice of the
law-abiding civilian lusting to travel
abroad without a ticket, go shooting
without a licence and dabble in man-
slaughter without the subsequent ex-
pense of briefing counsel, — poor old
Tolley sees a personal slight in this,
and is quite sure that K. has a down
on all of us and on himself in particu-
lar. Ho has no difficulty in conceiving
of the Olympians at the War Office
spending five working days and the
Saturday half -day in deciding what
they shall do about US ; writing round
to our acquaintances for our references :
" Is Lieut. Tolley honest, sober and
willing, punctual in his habits, clean in
his appearance, an early riser and a
good plain warrior?" and receiving j
under confidential cover unfavourable!
answers ; and at night in his dreams
he sees the SECRETARY FOR WAII pon- '
dering over our regimental photo and '.
telling himself that there are some,
likely-looking fellows in the front row, \
but you never know what they have
got hidden away in the middle ; count-
ing up the heads and murmuring, as he
wondeis when he shall send us out,
" This year, next year, some time —
never."
But you, Charles, must be patient
with us, supporting us with your good
will and opinion, and replying to all
who remark upon the progress of the
Allies, " Yes, that 's all very well in its
way, but you wait till Henry gets out
and then you "11 see some war."
Meanwhile the soldier's life continues
witli us very much after the manner of
the schoolboy's. We all pretend to
ourselves that wo are now on terms of
complete mutual understanding with
the C.O. and the Adjutant, but none
the less we all study their expressions
with great care before we declare our-
selves at breakfast. Thero are times
for jesting and there are times for not
jesting; it goes by seasons, fair and
stormy, and to the wise the Adjutant's
face is a barometer. In my wilder and
more dangerous moods I have felt
tempted to tap it and see if I couldn't
effect an atmospheric change. (In
the name of goodness, I adjure you,
Charles, not to leave this letter lying
about ; if it gets into print I shall lose
all my half-holidays for tho next three
years or tho duration of the War.)
The other morning I was come for,
that is to say I was proceeding com-
fortably with my breakfast at 7.55,
when I was touched on the shoulder
and told that the C.O. would be glad
to see me (or rather, would see me) at
orderly room at eight, a thing which,
by the grace of Heaven and the con-
tinual exercise of low cunning on my
part, has never happened to me before.
At least they might have told me what
I had done, thought I, as I ran to my
fate, gulping down my toast and mar-
malade, and improvising a lino of
defence applicable to any crime. Be-
lieve me, the dock is a haven of rest
and security compared with ordeily, or
ordeal, room.
120
PUNCIT, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [FEBRUARY 17. 1915.
When my turn carao I advanced to
the table of inquisition, came smartly
to attention, saluted, cleared my throat
and said, "Sir!" (Tho correctness of
this account is not guaranteed by any
bureau.) I then cleared my throat
again and said, " Sir, it was like this."
The C.O. looked slightly nonplussed;
the Adjutant, who in all his long ex-
perience of crime had never before seen
the accused open his mouth, began to
open his own. So I pushed on with
it. " My defence is this : in the first
place 1 did not do it. I wasn't there
at the time, and if I had beer I
shouldn't have done it. In the second
place I did it inadvertently In the
third place it was not a wrong thing
was still lukewarm." I then withdrew,
by request. I found upon enquiry of
the Sergeant -Major, who knows all
things, that the party was to travel by
circuitous routes and arrive at 7.5 P.M.,
whereas I, travelling rid London, might
arrive at 5 P.M., and so have two odd
hours to prepare a home and food for
them. So into the train I got, and
there of all people struck the C.O. him-
self, proceeding townwards on duty.
In the course of the journey I made it
clear to him that, if his boots required
licking, I was the man for the job.
He smiled indulgently. " Referring to
that second pieca of toast," he began.
I tapped my breast bravely. " Sir,
it is nothing," said I.
mo when I tell you that, upon seeing
a menu in French (our dear allies I ),
opening with cr&me and concluding
with Jacques, we told tho waiter to
remove the programme and give us the
foodstuff's. " Start at the beginning,"
said tho C.O., " and keep on at it till
you reach tho end. Then stop."
" Stop, Sir? " I asked.
" Ay, stop," said he, " and begin all
over again" . . . and so when we got
to tho last liqueur, I hold it up and said,
"Sir, if I may, your very good health,"
meaning thereby that I forgave him
not only all the harsh things he has
said to me in the past, but even all tho
harsher tilings he proposes to say to
mo in the future.
LESSONS FROM THE NATURAL WORLD.
The Shirker. "Nice BIRD! SAY -POLLY SCRATCH A POLL!'" The Bird. "JOHNNY, GET YOUB GUN!"
to do; and in the fourth place I am
prepared to make the most ample
apology, to have the same inserted in
three newspapers, and to promise never
to do it again."
Orderly room was by now thoroughly
restive. "If you take a serious view
of the matter, Sir," said I, " shoot me
now and have done with it. Do not
keep me waiting till dawn, for I am
always at my worst and most irritable
before breakfast."
When I paused for breath they took
tho opportunity to inform me, rather
curtly, I felt, that I had been sent for
in order to be appointed to look after
the rations and billets of a party of
sixteen officers proceeding to a distance
that same day, and I was to dispose
accordingly. "If I |lad known that
was all," I said to myself, " I 'd have
bad my second piece of toast while it
" When we arrive in London," he
said, " you will lunch with me." I pro-
tested that the honour was enormous,
but I was to arrive in London at 1.30
and must needs proceed at 1.50.
" You will lunch with mo," he pur-
sued, adding significantly as I still
protested, "at tho Savoy."
After further argument, "It is the
soldier's duty to obey," I said, and we
enquired at St. Paticras as to later
trains. The conclusion of the matter
was that by exerting duress upon my
taxidriver I just caught tho 4.17, which
got me to - - at 7.15, ton minutes
after the hungry and houseless sixteen.
You don't think this is particularly
funny ; well, no more did the sixteen.
But it was a very, very happy luncheon.
Remember that we have .subsisted on
ration beef and ration everything else
for some months, and you will believe
From the monotony of training we
have only occasional relief in the actual,
as for instance when we are kept out of
bed all night, Zepping. But this is a
poor game, Charles ; there is not nearly
enough sport in it to satisfy the desires
of a company of enthusiasts, armed
with a riilo and a hundred rounds of
ball ammunition apiece. Wo feel that
tho officer of the day, who inspects the
shooting party at y.30 P.M. and then
sends it off about its business, is trifling
with tragic matter when he tells us:
" Now, remember; no hens ! "
Yours ever, HENRY.
"Tho battle that has been raging for
several months has now ended in a distinct
triumph for the high-necked corsage."
Tatter.
Good. Now we can devote our atten-
tion to the other war on the Continent.
17, 1915.] ITXCII. Oli TIIK LONDON' CIIAIM V.MII.
127
Village Wit- (to victim of ill-timed revelry). " WOTCHEU, WILLIAM? How WAS JOKF-.B WIIKX YOU LEFT?"
OXFORD IN WAR TIME.
\\no that beheld her robed in May
Could guess the change that six
months later
Has brought such wondrous disarray
Upon his alma mater ?
])islractcil by a world-wide strife,
The calm routine of study ceases;
And Oxford's academic life
Is broken all to pieces.
No more the intellectual youth
I'Vc.ils on perpetual paradoxes;
No longer in the quest of truth
The mental compass boxes.
Ciono are the old luxurious days
When, always craving something
subtler,
To BEBQSON'S metaphysic maze
He turned from SAMUEL BUTLED.
Li nked by tho brotherhood of arms
All jarring coteries are blended ;
More cleverness no longer charms ;
The cult of Blues is ended.
The boats are of their crews bereft ;
The parks are given up to training ;
The scanty hundreds who are left
All at the leash are straining.
And grave professors, making light
Of all the load of anno domini,
Devote the day to drill, the night
To CLAUSEWITZ and JOMINI.
While those who feel too old to fight
Full nobly with tho pen are serving
To weld conflicting views of right
In one resolve unswerving.
No more can essayists inveigh
Against the youth of Oxford, slight-
ing
Her " young barbarians all at play,"
^\'lloa nine in ten are fighting,
And some, the goodliest and tho best,
Beloved of comrades and com-
manders,
Have passed untimely to their rest
Upon the plains of Flanders.
No ; when two thousand of her sons
Are mustered under FrceJom's
banner,
None can declaim — except the Huns —
Against the Oxford manner.
For lo ! amid her spires and streams,
Tho lure of cloistered ease forsaking,
The dreamer, noble in her dreams,
Is nobler in her waking.
" Lest we forget."
IN these days, when we have to be
thankful that our country has not, like
Belgium and France, bean overrun by
savages, the greater mercies we receive
are apt to obscure the less. But
Swansea does not forget the smaller
mercies. According to a recent issue
of The South Wales Daily Post, " The
Swansea Town F.C. are coming for the
second time to St. Nicholas' Church,
Gloucester Place, Swansea, on Sunday
evening next, at 6.30, when the direc-
tors, committea and tho two full teams
have promised to attend the service,
that, in the words of tho Rev. I'IIKCY
WKSTON, will be in the nature of a
" thanksgiving service for their good
fortune against Newcastle United."
Our compliments to the Rev. PBRCY
WESTOX, pastor of this pious and
patriot flock.
128
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [FEBRUARY 17. 1915.
WHAT I DEDUCED.
BY A C.I.HMAN COVKIIXKSS.
M-',\tr.irN from a liook whirl) is, no doubt,
mn^ as laiw a *.»lo in Cn-rmany as What
1 l-;,und Out, by un E))glibh Governess, is
having iu this country.]
I SHAM, never forget my arrival at
the house of my new employers. Into
the circumstances which forced mo to
earn my living as a governess in a
strange- country 1 need not now go.
Sufficient that 1 had obtained a situation
in the house of ft Mr. Brigsworth, an
Englishman of high position living in
one of the most fashionable suburbs of
Ijondon. " Chez Nous," The Grove,
Cricklewood, \\as the address of my
new home, and thither on that memor-
able afternoon I wended my way.
" The master and mistress are out,"
said the maid. " Perhaps you would
like to go straight to the nursery and
see the children ? "
"Thank you," I said, and followed
her upstairs. Little did 1 imagine the
amazing scene which was to follow !
In the nursery my two little charges
were playing with soldiers ; a tall and
apparently young man was lying on
the floor beside them. At my entrance
he scrambled to his feet
" Stop the battle a moment," he said,
" while we interrogate the invader."
41 1 am Friiulein Schmidt," 1 intro-
duced myself, " the new governess."
"And I," he said with a bow, "am
Lord Kitchener. You have arrived
just in time. Another five minutes
and I should have wiped out the Ger-
man army."
" Oh shut up, Uncle Horace, you
wouldn't," shouted one of the boys.
It was Lord Kitchener,! He had
shaved off his heavy moustache, and
by so doing had given himself a de-
ceptive appearance of youth, but there
could be no doubt about his identity.
Horatio Herbert Kitchener, the great
English War Lord ! In the light of
after-events, how instructive was this
first meeting !
"What is the game?" I asked,
hiding my feelings under a smile.
" England against Germany?"
" England and Scotland and Ireland
and Australia and a few others. We
have ransacked the nursery and raked
them all in."
So even at this time England had
conceived the perfidious idea of forcing
her colonies to light for her !
"And some Indian soldiers?" I
asked, nodding at half-a-dozen splendid
Bengal Lancers. It struck me even
then as very significant ; and it is now
seen to he proof that for years pre-
viously England had been plotting an
invasion of the Fatherland with a
swarm of black mercenaries.
Lord Kitchener evidently saw what
was in my mind, and immediately
exerted all his well-known charm to
elTace the impression he had created.
" You mustn't think," he said with a
smile, " that the policy of the Cabinet
is in any way affected by what goes on
at 'Chen Nous.' Although Sir Edward
Grey and I —
He broke off suddenly, and, in the
light of what has happened since, very
suspiciously.
" Have you had any (ea? " he asked.
His relations with the notorious Grey
were evidently not to ho disclosed.
I met Lord Kitchener on one other
occasion, but it is only since England
forced this war upon Europe that I
have seen that second meeting in its
proper light.
1 had been out shopping, and when
I came hack I found him in the garden
playing with the children. We talked
for a little on unimportant matters, and
then I saw his eye wandering from me
to the drawing-room. A soldier had
just stepped through the open windows
on to the lawn.
"Hallo," said Lord Kitchener, "it's
Johnny."
As the latter came up Lord Kitchener
smacked him warmly on tho hack.
" Well," he said, " my martial friend,
how many Germans have you killed?"
Then seeing that his friend appeared a
little awkward he introduced him to
me. "Fraulein Schmidt, this is one
of our most famous warriors — Sir
Jehn French."
I could see that Sir John French
was taken aback. He had evidently
come down to discuss secretly the plan
of campaign against a defenceless and
utterly surprised Germany, which their
friend and tool, Sir Edward Grey, was
to put in motion — and forthwith a
German governess had been let into the
secret ! No wonc'er he was annoyed !
" You silly ass," he muttered, and
became very red and confused.
Lord Kitchener, however, only
laughed.
" It 's all right," he said ; " Friiulein
Schmidt is Scotch. You can talk quite
freely in front of her."
It was the typical Biitish attitude
of contempt for the possible enemy.
But General French showed all that
stubborn caution which was afterwards
to mark his handling of the British
mercenaries, and which is about to cost
him so dearly.
" Don't be a fool, Horace," he
mumbled, and relapsed into an im-
penetrable silence.
Mr. Brigsworth's mother, who lived
with them, was a most interesting old
lady. She seemed to be in the secrets
of all the Itoyal Family and other
highly placed personages, and told me
many interesting things about them.
" Ah, my dear," sho would say, " they
tell us in the papers that King George
is shooting at Windsor, but — " and
then she would nod her head mysteri-
ously. "He's a working king," she
went on after a little. " He doesn't
waste his time on kport," In the light
of after-events it is probable that she
was right; and that when His Majesty
George the Fifth was supposed to
be at Windsor he was in reality in
Belgium, looking out for sites for tho
notorious British siege- guns which
have murdered so many of our brave
soldiers.
In this connection I must relate one
extraordinary incident. Young Mrs.
Brigsworth had an album of celebrated
people in tho British political and
social world. She was herself distantly
connected, she told mo, through her
mother's people, with several well-
known Society families, and it interested
her to collect these photographs and
paste them into a hook. Ono day sho
was showing mo her album, and 1
noticed that, on coming to a certain
page, she turned hurriedly over, and
began explaining a group on the next
page very volubly.
" What was that last one?" I asked.
"Wasn't it Mr. Winston Churchill?"
" Oh, that was nothing," she said
quickly. " I didn't know I had that
one; 1 must throw it away."
However, she had not been quick
enough. I had seen the photograph;
and events which have happened since
have made it One of extraordinary
significance.
It was a photograph of tho First
Lord of the Admiralty at Ostend in
bathing costume !
As soon as 1 was left alone I turned
to the photograph. "The First Lord
amuses himself on his holiday " were
the words beneath it. " Amuses him-
self!" Can there be any doubt in the
mind of an impartial German that
even then England had decided to
violate the neutrality of Belgium, and
tl at Mr. Churchill was, when photo-
graphed, examining the possibilities of
Ostend as a base for submarines?
No wonder Mrs. Brigsworth bad
hurriedly turned over the page !
' A. A. M.
"When the war was declared, 25,000
Bedouins were recruited in Hebrun, but they
were without food for three days and returned
to their homes saying this was not a Holy
War." — Peshawar Daily News.
Their actual words were : " This is
a — " well, not a Holy War,
FKIiliUARY 17, 191"). |
I'l'NCIf, OR THK LONDON (,'HAIMVAKI.
129
Art Patron (to K.A.). "WE'VE LOST so MUCH BINCB THE WAR THAT WE'VE COME TO ASK IF YOU WOULDN'T LJKE TO KEEP THIS
PORTUAIT OP MY WIPB AS CLEOPATRA. "
CHALK AND FLINT.
COMBS there now a mighty rally
From the weald and from the coast,
Down from cliff and up from valley,
Spirits of an ancient host;
Castle grey and village mellow,
Coastguard's track and shepherd's fold,
Cruinhling church and cracked martello
Echo to this chant of old —
Chant of knight and chant of bowman :
Kent and Sussex feared no foeman
In the valiant days of old !
Screaming gull and lark a-singing,
Bubbling brook and booming sea,
Church and cattle bells a-ringiiig
Swell the ghostly melody ;
" Chalk and llint, Sirs, lio beneath yo,
Mingling with our dust below !
Chalk and flint, Sirs, they bequeath yo
This our chant of long ago! "
Chant of knight and chant of bowman,
Chant of squire and chant of yeoman :
Kent and Sussex feared no foeman
In the days of long ago !
Hills that heed not Time or weather,
Sussex down and Kentish lane,
Roads that wind through, marsh and heather
Feel the mail-shod feet again ;
Chalk and flint their dead are giving —
Spectres grim and spectres bold —
Marching on to cheer the living
With their battle-chant of old —
Chant of knight and chant of bowman,
Chant of squire and chant of yeoman :
Witness Norman ! Witness lioman I
Kent and Sussex feared no foeman
In the valiant days of old.
"WHO FORBIDS THE BANDS?"
THOSE who wish to give practical expression to the
approval of the scheme for raising Military Bands to
encourage recruiting — the subject of one of Air. Punch's
cartoons of last week — are earnestly invited to send con-
tributions to the LOKD MA?OR at the Mansion House.
Further information may be obtained at the offices of
" Eecruiting Bauds," 16, Regent Street, S.W.
From a schoolboy's essay on the War: —
" When the Germans lose a few ships they make rye faces."
This kind of face comes, we believe, from the eating of
the official War-bread.
Hint to the Germans at St. Mihiel : —
" Alas ! what boots it with incessant c ire
To strictly meditate the thankless Mouse? "
Milton: " Lycidas,"
13J
PUNCH, <>i; Till'. LONDON -CIIAUIVABT^ : 1
17. 1915.
Bobbie (as hisfatlur exhibits his new Volunteer uniform).
MOTHER— I SAT I THIS BEINGS WAB HOME TO us, DOESN'T IT?"
OUR PERSONAL COLUMN.
MANY of the other papers have a
Personal Column. Why should not
Mr. Punch have one?
He shall.
MLLB. FORGETMENOT bien ar-
rivee a Londres le 14 Fevrier. Oil
est M. Valentin ?
FOUND in neighbourhood of the
Adelphi.— An Iron Cross, evidently
awarded by the KAISER. Initials upon
it, " G. B. S." The owner is anxiously
nvited to apply for it in person. — E. G.,
foreign Office.
K. — Qte uslss apply frthr. Am absltly
brke. Try yr uncl. — M.
JEHOSHAPHAT.— Will all Jehosha-
phats combine to send bridge tables to
the Front for use of bravo boys ? Sub-
scriptions, limited to £10 each, should
be sent to Jehoshaphat Downie, Esq.,
25, Sun Eow, Chelsea.
SHIRTS for our troops at the Front
are still urgently needed. Please send
needles, cotton and material to Sister
Susie, Drury Lane Theatre, W.C. All
persons desiring to sing about her
ictivities should note that the song
is not published by Brothers Boosey
but by another firm.
FLORENCE.— I was there and waited
from 1.30 till midnight. Cannot do
this often as 1 have tendency to pneu-
monia.
WILL anyone lend young man £500
on note of hand alone to enable him
to procure clothes in which to present
himself at recruiting office? Nothing
but shabbiness of his wardrobe keeps
him from enlisting. — Bos 41, Office ol
this paper.
LOST, Wednesday, February 10th,
between Acton and Blackheath, a
one-pound note, signed by John Brad-
bur}'.— Anyone returning the same to
X, at the Widowers' Club, will receive
I/- reward and no questions asked.
A.B.C. — Please make no further effort
to meet me. The depth of my loathing
for you can never be expressed in
words, at least not in this column. — J.
POLL1ES.— Will all the Pollies of
England kindly help a poor Polly to
continue her lessons in voice produc-
tion.— Write POLLY, 2, Birdcage Walk.
TO OFFICERS and MEN whose letters
contain good vivid accounts of pic-
turesque occurrences at the Front. The
Daily Inexactitude places no limit on
the writer's imagination.
SMITH.— Will everyone named Smith
at once send a sovereign to John
Smith, Esq., 103, Old Jewry, E.G.?
Patriotic purpose to which money will
be put will be explained later.
WIFE of popular actor now serving
in France would much appreciate the
loan of a London house, with servants
and motor car thrown in.^-Box 81,
Office of this paper.
YOUNG MAN, full of fun and robust
health, who has failed in everything
he has yet undertaken and does not
approve of warfare, would like situa-
tion as gamekeeper and rabbit-killer to
wealthy absentee landowner. — Apply
Box 29, Office of this paper.
The Berlin Lokal - Anzeiyer, speaking ol
the four Turks who succeeded in crossing the
Suez Canal and who have since been takm
prisoners, says: "It is to be hoped that the
four gall uit Turkish swimmers will now do
good work in Egypt."
Wo have no doubt that work will bo
found for them and that the prison
authorities will shield them from the
dangers of a life of indulgent idleness,
. 01: TIIH LONDON
17. iair,.
"SOUND AND FURY."
KAISEK. "IS ALL MY HIGH SEAS FLEET SAFELY LOCKED DP?"
ADMIRAL VON TIRI-ITZ. " PRACTICALLY ALL, SIRE."
KAISEK. "THEN LET THE STARVATION OF ENGLAND BEGIN!"
17, I9ir,.| PUNCH, OR TIIK LONDON CIIAIMVAUI.
133
ESSENCE OF PARLIA-
MENT.
(Kx-riui'iKi) FiioM TIM-: DIARY OF
ton, M.I'.)
House oj Commons, Mon-
day, 8i/i February. — Dchato
on Army Estimates prefaced
l>y statement from PKIIIK
MINISTER casting gleam of
lur d light, on a War of which
this is tlio lyutli day. An-
swering a question lio saiil
the total number of British
Army easualtii s in tlio Wes-
tern area of tlio War is
approximately 104,000 of all
ranks. This, of course, does
not include tlio death-roll in
the Navy, a heavy tale of
losses duo far more to mino
and submarine than to fa:r
fights on tho open sea. But
standing alone it is not im:cli
War. On tliis understanding,
Committee, practically with-
out debate, amidst stern hut
quietly expre-,- <• I d lermin-
aticn to go on to the etui at
whatever cost, voted un es
talilishment of three million
men.
liitsincss done. — Army Es-
timates in Committee of
Supply.
I ii^nday. — For first time
since reassembling House sat
up to closing hour, 11 o'clock.
Discussion of Army Estim-
ates resumed. Committee
has advantage of WALTER
LONG'S lead of Opposition.
Shrewd, tactful, conciliatory.
Among miscellaneous Ques-
tions coming up was con-
dition of some of the huts
contracted for by War Oflice.
WALTBII LONG associated
less than one-half of tho „_ „ himself with sharp criticism
if , V "EXCEEDING THE WILDEST DREAUS OP MARYBOROUGH OB WELLINGTON. ~. j,
number of men, including ottered from various quarters.
Militia, voted in the Waterloo year
now dead a century. Numerically
a trifle compared with tho huge gaps
made in ranks of the enemy. Never-
theless it represents sulliciently appal-
ling sacrifice, chargeable to the account
of one man's whim.
Army Estimates for year, introduced
by TENNANT in a speech equally lucid
and discreet, unique in their Parlia-
mentary aspect. With an Army en
active service and in training exceed-
ing in number the wildest dreams of
MAKUIOROUGH or WELLINGTON, the
aggregate sum asked for is £15,000.
t-'eems odd since, as UNDKU SECRETARY
FOR WAH in interesting aside stated,
the Army costs more in a week than
the total estimate for the Waterloo
campaign, which stands on record at
the modest sum of £S,721,8£0.
This only a little ollicialj'oko designed
partly to relievo tension of critical
times, chiefly to throw dust in eyes of
enemy. Idea of Germany cherished
at War Ollice is that she is a sort of
innocent Little Eed Hiding Hood
whoso legitimate curiosity may ho
evaded either by withholding infor-
mation or mystifying it by adminis-
tration of small doses dealt out nt
safe intervals of time. Hence the
Press Bureau, which to-night came
in for rough handling from both
sides of House.
If usual detailed account of expen-
diture on Army were set forth, the
German General Staff would know
exactly what was in front of them in
respect of reinforcement of the "con-
temptible little army " which seven
months ago embarked upon a crusade
more self-sacrificing, more glorious
than any recorded in the Ftory of; The MEMBER FOR SAHK regrets that
Britain. Failing that, they naturally engagement out of town prevented his
know nothing and will go on blun- taking part in the discussion.
dering in the dark.
Accordingly Votes submitted to-night
I happen to know something at
first hand about the matter," he says.
were what the Treasury calls "token" | "I spend my week-ends in a district
cs;imates, each thousand pounds of the which, lying on direct route for the
fifteen representing untold millions to Front, swarms with detachments of
be expended on various services of tho ' recruits in training. In the late autumn,
huts were built for their accommoda-
tion. Quite nice comfortable things
to look at. Some stand on desirable
sites overlooking land and sea.
" All very well as long as autumn
weather lasted. But the winter told
another tale. Season exceptionally
wet. Sinful rottenness of these so-
called habitations speedily discovered.
Rain poured through tho roofs as if
they were made of brown paper.
Nor was that all, though our poor
fellows found it sufficient. When
wind blew with any force it carried
the rain through the walls of the
huts, formed of thin laths, in some
cases overlapping each other by not
more than a quarter of an inch.
Pitilessly rained upon in their beds,
the men dressing for morning parade
found their khaki uniforms and
underclothing soaking wtt. After
this had been stood for a week or ten
days, the huts wore condemned and
tlie recruits billeted upon inhabitants
of neighbouring town.
" This not mere go- sip, you under-
stand. Circumstances simply related
to me by the men themselves, some iti-
terruptingnarrativewithfits of cough-
ing, inevitable result of nightly experi-
ence. Nor were they complaining.
Just mentioned the matter as pre-
sumably unavoidable episode in pre-
" IDEA OP GERMANY CHERISHED AT WAR
OFFICE is THAT SHE is A SORT ov INNOCENT
LITTLE KED BIDINOHOOD."
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
17. 1915.
WHAT OUR ENEMY HAS TO PUT UP WITH.
1. "Acil! HlMMEtt— A 6HBLLI" 2. ! ! ! 3. "GREAT KROTPS I—WHAT IS IT ?
liminary stage of career of men giving
up all and risking their lives to save
tlic'ir country.
" What I want to know is, What has
been done in particular cases such as
this that must have como under notice
of War Office? Have the contractors
got clear away without punishment, or
have they been made to disgorge?
FINANCIAL SECRETARY TO WAR OFFICE
stated in course of debate that average
cost of these encampments amounted
to £13 per man. In cases where huts
are condemned, is the sorely-burdened
but cheerfully-suffering taxpayer find-
in-,' the money all over again, or is the
peccant contractor made to stump up V "
Business clone. — Still harping on
Army Estimates.
House of Lords, Thursday. — Death
of Lord LONDONDERRY, buried to-day
near his English home, Wynyard Park,
universally regretted. A strong Party
man, he had no personal enemies in the
Opposition ranks, whether in Lords or
Commons. Unlike some distinguished
Peers, notably Lord KOSEBEKY, ho on-
joyed advantage, inestimable in public
life, of serving an apprenticeship in the
House of Commons, where he sat. six
years for the Irish constituency which
his famous forebear represented in the
Irish Parliament, He was born into
politics. His earliest conviction, thor-
ough as were all he entertained, was
one of distrust for DON JOSE, who at
the time when he sat in the House of
Commons was carrying through the
country the fiery cross of The Un-
authorised Programme.
This feeling later replaced by dislike
of GLADSTONE, who in tlio year after
Lord CASTLEREAGH, at the age of thirty-
two, succeeded to the Marquisate,
brought in his Home Ilule Bill.
That was the turning point in
LONDONDERRY'S public life. Hitherto
he had toyed with politics as part of
the recreation of a wealthy aristocrat.
Thenceforward he devoted himself heart
and soul to withstanding the advance of
Home Rule, which he lived long enougli
to see enacted, Deatli sparing him the
pang of living under its administration.
In his devotion to the lighting line
rallied against Homo liulo he was en-
couraged and sustained by a power
behind the domestic throne perhaps, as
has happened in historical cases, more
dominant than its occupant. Cherchez
lajemme. Londonderry House became
the spring and centre of an influence
that had considerable effect upon
political events during more than a
quarter of a century.
LONDONDERRY'S cheery presence will
be missed in the Lords. His memory
will be cherished as that of one who
fought stoutly for causes sacred to a
large majority of his peers.
Business done. — PREMIER made
promised statement on subject of
food prices. Debate following was
adjourned.
A Flower of Speech.
"Mr. Asquith stated in the House of
Commons this afternoon that the Govern-
ment were considering taking more str.n;;i'nt
measures against German trade as a con-
sequence of the latter's fragrant breach of the
rules of war." — Star.
Fragrant is the parliamentary way of
putting it.
"German Togoland, whoso aspirations to-
wards nationality have bsen again aroused by
the recent promises of the Czar, is destined to
be for us part of a new European state under
the protection of Russia."
Leader (B. E. Africa).
The fate of German Pololand in Africa
will be decided in our next.
" Mr. Murphy asked what would he the cost
of doing these works.
Surveyor — 1 cannot say vbgkqis shr me."
Wicklow KcwsMtrr.
Neither can we, but we should never
have thought of mentioning it to Mr.
Muni'HY at this juncture.
17, 1915.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CIIAIMVARI.
13 J
-
Chorus from the trench. "WHAT 'AVE YOU GOT THERE, TOM?"
Torn (bringing in huge Uldan). "' SOUVENIR."
A TERRITORIAL IN INDIA.
v.
MY DEAR MB. PUNCH, — Our Battalion
has gone. It lias called back to the
ranks all but a few of its soldier clerks.
Even as I write it is racing through
the darkness across the Indian plains
to its new station. I can almost hear
the grinding thunder of the wheels ;
the thud of men sleeping on the seats
as they roll off and crash upon men
sleeping on the Hoors; the pungent
oaths mingling with the shriek of the
engine whistle . . . and I am left
behind in the Divisional Staff Office
and attached to another Territorial
unit just arrived from England. Woe
is me !
I paid a last visit to the barracks to
; see my comrades before they left. They
were ivell and cheerful, hut all suffering
from a singular delusion. When I
expressed regret that I was not ac-
companying them owing to the fact
that my services could not be spared
from the Oflicc, they all assured me
with perfect gravity that this was not
the real explanation of my being left
behind. While 1 have boon plying the
pen, they, it appears, have readied such
a state of military proficiency that to
re-introduce me into the ranks at this
.stage would have had a most disintegra
ting effect upon the moral of the entire
Battalion.
It was hard on me, they were pre-
pared to admit, but efficiency must
come first. When, very shortly, they
march down Unter den Linden I must
surely recognise how very disastrous it
would be for me to be there with my
rifle at an unprofessional slope. It
would be so noticeable in the pictures
afterwards.
They were all full of kindly com-
miseration about my future. They, of
course, will presently be leaving for
the Front. England will ring from
end to end with the story of their
prowess. In six weeks they will have
beaten the Germans to a standstill.
Then — best of all — they will return
home, covered with glory and medals,
to he received with frantic demon-
strations of joy, affection and adulation.
Several years later, I gather, I may
(if exceptionally lucky) return to
England unhonoured and unsung, with
indelible inkstains on my fingers and
three vaccination marks on my left
forearm as my only mementoes of the
Great War. On the other hand,
having got fairly into the grip of the
Indian Government, it is quite likely
that I shall end my days here.
Perceiving my chagrin at this pros-
pect, one of thorn generously promised
to present mo with a few Iron Crosses
which he anticipates collecting on the
battlefield. But this gift, he was at
pains to point out, was contingent
upon the very improbable circumstance
of my surviving plague, dysentery,
enteric, smallpox, heat apoplexy, snake-
bite and other perils ol a prolonged
sojourn in India.
In the immediate future I can
unfortunately see for myself that my
prospects are of the gloomiest. When
I mildly suggested to my Colour
Sergeant that he should send mo my
pay by post each week from the new
station, ho stared at mo fixedly and
reminded me with unnecessary and
offensive emphasis that 1 was now
attached to another regiment, and that
ho hud finally and thankfully washed
his hands of all responsibility con-
cerning me. When I sought out my
now Colour, he informed me even more
emphatically that I was merely attached
to his company for disciplinary pur-
poses and that it was blooming well
useless for me to look to him for pay.
So- there I am.
It is the same with rations. None
were sent for mo this morning. It is
tolerably certain that none will be sent
to-morrow.
Ah., well, it will be a sad and dis-
appointing end to a promising career,
136
1'PNCII, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEBRUARY 17, 1916.
won't it, Mr. Punch ? I feel sure i
Lord KITCHENER knew the facts of th<
case he would do something ahout it
Perhaps you could approach him on
the matter. Still, I have read some
where that life can bo supported on
four bananas a day. I can got eigh
bananas for an anna here, and I have
Rs. 1, As. 7, P. 2 remaining in my
money belt. I leave you to work ii
out.
I remember now that a wandering
Punjabi fortune-teller revealed to me al
Christinas that I should live to bo 107
That was one of his best points. He also
told me that 1 should be married three
times and have eleven children; that I
had a kind heart ; that a short dark
lady was interested in my career; that
the KAISER would be dethroned next
June; and that fortune-telling was a
precarious means of livelihood and its
professors were largely dependent upon
the generosity of wealthy sahibs such
as myself. Wealthy !
But he was a true prophet in one
particular. He foretold that I should
shortly be unhappy on account of a
parting.
Seriously, Mr. Punch, it was hard to
say good-bye to all my friends; it is
not cheering to reflect now that they are
a thousand miles away, amid fresh and
fascinating scSnes, about to undergo
novel and wonderful experiences from
which I am debarred. But there is
one lesson which the Army teaches
very efliciently — that, whatever one's
personal feelings, orders have to be
obeyed without question.
And I suppose they also serve who
only sit and refer correspondents to
obscure sub-sections and appendices of
Army Regulations, India.
Yours ever,
ONE OP THE PUNCH BRIGADE.
THE COLLECTOR.
ONCE upon a time there was an Old
Gentleman who lived in a Very Com-
fortable Way; and some of his Neigh-
bours said he was Rich and others
that, at any rate, he was Well Off,
and others again that at least he had
Considerable Private Means. And when
;he Great War broke out it was clear
.hat he was much too Old to fight, and
ie wasn't able to speak at Recruiting
Meetings on account of an Impedi-
ment in his Speech, and he had no
Soldiers billeted upon him, because
there were no Soldiers there, and he
could not take in Belgian Refugees
because he lived on the Bast Coast-
so he just road the Papers and pottered
ibout the Garden as he used to do
>efore.
But after a time it was noticed that
he began to "draw in," as his Neigh-
bours said. First ho gave up his Motor,
and when his Gardener enlisted he
didn't get Another ; and he never
had a Fire in his Bedroom. And his
Neighbours, on thinking it over, con-
cluded that he had been Hard Hit by
the War. But None of them knew
how.
Then ho began to travel Third Class
and gave up Smoking Cigars. And
they thought he was waiting till the
Stock Exchange opened.
Then they noticed that ho got no
new Clothes and his old ones were
not so smart as they used to be. And
as the Stock Exchange was open by
now they began to believe that ho
must have become a Miser and was
getting meaner as he got older. And
they all said it was a Pity. But he
went on reading the Papers and potter-
ing round the Garden much as before.
FOR NEUTRAL NATIONS.
BRITANNIA STILL SITTING ON THE COPPER.
And the Tradespeople found that the
Books were not so big as they used
to be, and they began to say that it
was a Pity when people who had
Money didn't know how to spend it.
But the Truth is that they were all
wrong ; he was a Collector. That was
low the Money went.
He never told anyone about his
Collection, but he kept it in the Top
Drawer of his Desk till it got too big
and overflowed into the Second Drawer,
and then i:ito the Third, and so on.
He was quite determined that his
Collection should be complete and
should contain Every Sound Specimen
—that was partly why he kept reading
.he Papers. But he didn't mind having
duplicates as long as they had Different
Dates. There was one Specimen of
which he got a Duplicate every Week.
One of his Rules was never to allow
.ny Specimen into his Collection un-
ess it had a Stamp on it.
It was quite a New Sort of Collection.
t was made up of Receipts from the
'eople who were running All The
)illerent War Funds.
THE SOLDIER'S COAT.
AFTER his ample dinner, William
sank into the big chair before the tiro
and with a book on his knee became
lost in thought.
He woko half-an-hour later to ob-
serve that Margaret was knitting.
"It 'a shear waste of time," he tol<"
her, " to make anything of wool that
colour."
" Is it ? " she asked sweetly.
" If there 's no more khaki or brown
wool left in the shops, you should
make something of ilannel. Any self-
respecting soldier would rather be
frost-bitten to death a doxen times
than wear a garment of pink wool."
" Do you think so'?" asked Margaret,
smiling.
Besides, you really ought to stick
io the beaten track — belts, mulllers
and mittens. Nobody wants ear-muffs."
" This is going to be a coat," she
said, holding it up and surveying it
with satisfaction.
A coat? — that handful of pink, a
coat ? That feeble likeness of an egg-
cosy, a coat? A pink woollen coat for
A British soldier! My poor friend over
ihere in the trenches, whoever you
are, may Heaven help you ! And may
rleaven forgive you, Margaret, for this
light's work! "
I shan't finish it to-night—it '11
ake days. And he '11 be very proud of
t, I know."
"Who will?"
"The so'dier-boy will. Bless his
heart; he's a born fighter — anyone
can see it with half an eye. Mabel
says "
"Oh, one of Mabel's pals, is it?
Well, what's Donald doing to allow
Mabel to take such an interest in this
precious soldier-boy who is prepared
to be proud of a coat of soft pink
wool ? Who is the idiot ? "
"He's no idiot, and his name's
Peter," said Margaret.
"Peter! Peter what? "
"Dear old thing, 1 wish you 'd pull
yourself together, and try to realise
that you have been an uncle for at
least three weeks. Donald and Mabel
are going to call him ' Peter '—didn't I
tell you ? " =======-___
" South Wales. Safe Southern shelter from'
shells and shrapnel."— Adct. in " The Times."
Just the place for our shy young sister
Susie to sew .shirts for soldiers in.
" On the outbreak of war JI. P. van Droo-
genbroeck, an engineer, joined tho Belgian
Flying Corps, and did most useful work,
bjmg complimented by his King for his in-
vention of a new kind of aircomb."
Daily Mirror.
Our own 'air-comb is the old kind with
a couple of spikes missing.
KKHHUAHY 17, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
137
THE KEEP-IT-DARK CITY.
.[Even tho more obscure of the American
papers often contain important news of the
. f the British arn:y many d iya before
tho Censor allows the information to be pub-
lihhi.'d in Kii|{lan<l.J
J AM told that few exploits are finer
Than a battle our Blankshires have
von,
So bring me The Michigan Miner,
For 1 'in anxious to read how 'twas
done;
If The Ulincr 'B not easy to hit on,
Get The Maryland Trumpet; it treats
Of a story that 's kept, to tho Briton,
As dark as tho Westminster streets!
As our soldiers from north of the Border
Some vital positions have stormed,
Put The Oretjon Message on order
To keep me completely informed!
One moment ! "I 've just heard a rumour
That tho Germans' whole front has
been cleft —
Quick ! Hush for The Tennessee Boomer;
Ileaven grant that a copy is left I
Each day in this keep-it-dark city,
Officials, to us, seem unkind
To censor such news without pity,
But, of course, they 've an object in
mind ;
For a man, when his spirits touch zero
Through a natural yearning for facts,
.Will enlist, and liimselj be a hero
Where no one can censor his ACTS!
AN ESSAY IN CRITICISM.
', O AUTHORS, remember to join your
Hats !
The novel was going splendidly. 1
had been revelling in it. 1 was sitting
in one chair, with my feet in another,
pot far from tho lire, plunged in the
story, when all of a sudden my pleasure
went.
It was in Chapter xvii., where the
:young doctor takes a taxi and rushes up
;to the actress's flat so as to be there first,
ibefore Lord Burlington. You must
understand that the young doctor is
.newly in practice and has the greatest
(difficulty in making both ends meet.
Well, it says thai lie sprang from the
icah and was half-way up the stairs in a
moment. That was all right, but the
tpoint is that he stayed two hours
hunting for the missing letter. Now
this is a very exciting passage, because
;we know that tho detective may be here
any minute, and Lord Burlington is
coming too, and if either of them — well,
the point is that, owing to the author
forgetting to make the young doctor
:pay the taxi-man, all my pleasure went.
I am not unduly economical, but I
hato downright waste, and hero was the
taximeter ticking all through the rest of
First Patriot. " AH ! I SEE you HAVEH'T YET CIIANUKD THE SAME OF voun
EAU-DE-COLOGNE."
Second Patriot, " PARDON MB, MADAM. I HAVE TAKEN THE LIBERTY OF LABELLING
MY NEW BITI'LY ' COLOGNE WATER.'"
that chapter and the next, and further
still. Had it been Lord Burlington's
cab I should have cared less, for he was
rich ; had it been tho detective's I should
not have cared at all, because the driver
might have gone to Scotland Yard for
his money. But the young doctor was
so poor, and sooner or later he would
have to come out of the flat again, and
then he would be caught and faced
with an impossible bill; and this got
on my nerves.
As I say, the story was frightfully
exciting just there, hut I found myself,
instead of participating in the excite-
ment, saying, " Another twopence " ;
" Twopence more " ; It must be four
shillings by now," " Five shillings,"
and so on. Not even when the face of
the Chinaman appeared at tho window
— he had climbed up the water-pipe
and had a dagger in his teeth — could I
really concentrate. " Seven-and-six by
now," was all 1 said.
The result was that the effect of the
book was lost on me and I cared
nothing for what happened to any one.
The taximeter ticked through every
subsequent page. Long after we got
away from London altogether and tho
young doctor was on his way to Hong
Kong, racing the detective, 1 still heard
the taximeter ticking; just because tho
man had never been paid. It ticked
through the wedding bells; and it
ticked through the strangling of Lord
Burlington in one of the Adelpbi arches,
with which the story closes.
And that is why I say, O authors,
remember to join your flats.
The Slump in Prussians.
(SoRTES VEROILIAN.B.)
" Procumbit /u<mi Botch."
138
PUNCH, Oil TIIK LONDON CHARIVARI. [FEBRUARY 17. 1915.
AT THE PLAY.
"SEARCHLIGHTS."
THK title was not, of course, meant
to deceive, for Mr. VACUELL is an
honest man; and anyhow the critics,
for that is their business, would be
swift to disillusionize the public; but
in our permissible state of suspicion,
the audience might easily be led to
suppose from the word "Searchlights,"
combined with the early appearance of
an imported Teuton iti tbe person of
Sir Adalbert Schmaltz, that spy-work
was in the air. 13ut the genial
domesticity of this naturalized Scot
quickly disposed of our unworthy ap-
nrafiAnatnafi n:nH \vo soon Ipivrnprl f.lui.h
recants her recantation. You will guess
that, though a little shaken, we were
not in despair, but looked hopefully for
a re-recantation. J3ut you are in error.
Her second confession, though no
words passed her lips, was obviously
final. And what induced it? What
was the piece of conviction? If you
will believe me, it was just a photo-
graph with which her husband con-
fronted her — an old photograph of her
lover that she mistook for her son's, so
close was the likeness. This was surely
a Haw in Mr. YAOHKLI/.S scheme, for it
is unbelievable that she should have
hitherto overlooked this fatal resem-
blance, even if her attention had not
nq n. f;vf>f; Kfi«n p.n.1lf>fl f,n if, hv n. rrnrrnlnns
revealed not only in tbe passionate
devotion of the mother's heart, but in
the persuasive character of her boy,
and the unaffected quality of his rela-
tions both to her and to the girl who
wanted his love.
Mr. VACHELL would be the first to
acknowledge, and generously, how
much ho owes to the really remarkable
performance, as Mrs. Blaine, of Miss
FAY DAVIS, who can never before have
accomplished so high an achievement.
But the matter was there for her clover
hands to shape, and that was the
author's doing.
Mr. HARRY IRVING'S, too, was a fine
performance, though, from the moment
nf his fint.rn.nfin. a fi«urn of sinister
his provenance bad no
bearing upon the issue.
That issue was con-
cerned with a question of
paternity, whose acute-
ness happened to be
contemporaneous with
that of the present Euro-
pean crisis. I say "hap-
pened " ; for here again
I cast no reflection upon
Mr. YACHELL'S intent, or
suggest that the war-
element in his play was
introduced as an after-
thought into his original
scheme. If it was,
which I doubt, then the
patchwork was cleverly
concealed ; and my only
complaint must be of a
certain obscurity in the
relation between the two
patterns in his design.
For if the title implied
that the effect of the
War was to throw a
ROBERT BLAINE EXPERIENCING HOW VERT MUCH SHARPER THAN A SERPENT'S
TOOTH IT IS TO HAVE SOMEBODY ELBE'S THANKLESS CHILD.
Robert Blaine . . . . • MR.
Harry Jilaine MR.
searchlight into the dark places of the
human heart (as distinguished from its
influence upon our City streets), I do
not think that in the case of Robert
Elaine's heart, if he had one, the author
lias made this operation sufficiently
clear.
Mrs. Blaine
had
a grown-up son,
born after five years of barren wedlock,
who was the object of her husband's
profound detestation. Aftersome twenty
years — a little late, perhaps, in the day,
but the author wished us to be present
when he did it— Robert Blaine, at a
moment when his wife is trying to get
her hoy out of a tight corner, declares
an inveterate doubt of his fatherhood,
and she makes confession of her fault.
Subsequently — in a " strong " scene —
she recants, alleging that her confession
was a work of creative art, produced in
a spasm of spite ; and everybody except
the immovable Blaine is vastly relieved.
But not for long, for she presently
friend at quite an early stage in the
proceedings of the play.
Another weakness, common enough
where an author wants to show a
variety of types and excuses himself
from the trouble of assorting them, was
to be seen in the extreme improbability
of the friendship between Blaine and
Sir Adalbert Schmallz. These two were
always staying in one another's houses
yet there never could have been the
smallest of tastes in common between
the dour and moody financier and the
light hearted consumer of lager beer
and delikatessen.
But I prefer, if you please, to dwell
upon the shining virtues of Mr.
VACHKLL'S Searchlights. With the
exception of an interlude or two of
needless triviality — • Lady Schmaltz' s
essen-
sobbing scene, for instance — the
tials of the tragic theme hold us grimly
in their grasp. But always we could
find relief in the author's humanity,
portent, be lacked all
contrast of ligh-t and
shade. But, to be just,
that was hardly in the
part, as made — 'deliber-
ately, so it seemed — for
those particular methods
of which he is the master.
As for Mr. HOLMAN
CLARK, if all Teutons,
naturalized or other,
were like his Sir Adalbert
Schmaltz (or Sir Keith
Howard, as ho called
himself after the War
began, on the principle
that the best was good
enough for him) I should
have small ground of
quarrel with the race.
But how this joyousGer-
man ever came to wear a
kilt and own a deer-forest
I cannot hope to under-
H. B. IEVING. stand, for there was no
REGINALD OWEN. llint of Semitic origin in
his face or composition.
Mr. EEGINALD OWEN made a most
human soldier-boy, and 1 shall never
want to meet a Guardsman with a better
manner or an easier sense of humour.
I remark, by the way, that young
Blaine is the second stage-hero (the
first was in The. .Cost) whom the War
has affected in the head.
Miss MARGERY MAUDE, though she
had the rather ungrateful part of a girl
who is quite ready, thank you, to bo
loved as soon as you feel like it, played,
as always, with a very perfect tact and
charm.
Finally, Miss KATE Bisnor was her
dear old self, and Mr. TOM REYNOLDS'
sketch of a solicitor was as bright as
it was brief.
I venture to offer my best compli-
ments both to the cast and to the
author, and to hope that his Search-
lights may servo well to pierce the
shadows of the night through which
we are passing.
O. S.
FKHRUABY 17, 191.r).l IMINCIF, OR THK I.<>NI><»NT < 'I I A IN VA I! \.
Tommy (late gamekleepcr). "MABK OVEU!"
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)
Miss VIOLA MEYNELL brings to her analysis of character
an astonisliiogly acute observation and insight, an intimate
sympathy, a quiet, leavening, sometimes faintly malicious,
humour ; and to her synthesis a conscientious and dexterous
iirtistry in selection and arrangement which gives a vividly
objective reality to her creations. So that you may put
il»\vn her Columbine (SECKEH) with something like the
guilty fooling of an eavesdropper. Love in its effect upon
three girls is her main theme, and it is difficult to over-
praise her skill and restraint in the handling of it. Lily
I'i'iik, the actress, beautiful, passionless, incompetent, with
her irrelevant banality and her second-hand philosophy
of living, is a veritable tour de force of characterisation
which cleverly avoids the easy pit of caricature. And
between this pretty nonentity and Jennifer, the competent,
the loyal and the deep, with her occasional flashes of
beauty and her innocent provocativeness, Dixon Parrish,
one of those self-analytic, essentially cool-blooded modern
young men, wavers to the tragic hurt of all the three.
.1 It son, his sister, full of moodiness and passionate pre-
occupations, moves unquiet on tho well -planned back-
ground which holds that genially absurd pseudo-intellectual,
her father; the kindly negative Mrs. Parrish; Gilbert,
A li son's lover (the least satisfactory of the portraits) ; the
pleasantly pretentious Madame Barrett of the elocution
classes; and "that Mrs. Smith," who is only (but adroitly)
shown through Lily's artless chatter. Miss MEYNELL
chooses to write chiefly of little moments in little lives.
But she has adequate reserves of power for bigger work,
as passages of warm colour placed with a line judg-
ment on her low-toned canvas abundantly prove, and
meanwhile she has shown herself mistress of a method
singularly skilful and restrained. She does not describe
or explain or soliloquise. All her points are made through
the speech, the actions or the expressed thought of her
characters — the manifestly excellent way which so few
have the wit or the courage to follow.
Mr. Leo Brandish, so Miss PEGGY WEDLINO assures me,
intends to write the professional biography of their mutual
hero, that notable actor and admirable gentleman, Edgar
Chirrup (METHUEN). In the meantime she has told us all
about the man himself, at least as far as the last page that
he has turned, the one where tho dogs and the rocking-horse
are included in the family portrait, with his children and
the wife whom you and I, and everyone else for that
matter, realised was the one for him long before he did.
Some of the other pages in his life were less satisfactory,
more particularly those on which Fate had inscribed, not in
the most convincing fashion (but perhaps tho authoress
jogged Fate's elbow), the history of his sudden unworthy
infatuation. If I could not forget or ever quite understand
this episode, neither could " Chirps " himself in tho years
that followed, when the lovableness and loyalty that had
already won my affections were pleading for his release,
with the ladies (Fate and Miss WEHLING, I mean) collab-
orating over his destiny. It would indeed be pitiful if any
but the happiest of endings had been in store for the hero
and his Ruth, for sweeter and simpler folk have seldom
been persuaded by any writer to smile a genial public into
arm-chair content. And the secret of their charm, would
140
PUNCH. OR TIIK LONDON CHARIVARI. [FKBUUABY 17, 1915.
this is my impression about The Money Moon (SAMPSON
Lou). 1 have liked Mr. JEFFHEY FARNOL'S other work too
well to be ahlo to accept this at its present sumptuous
You remember no doubt how George Bellcw,
original choice, set out
seem to bo just that they have been able to catch the
qualities of sympathy and sincerity that belonged in the
first case to the minuet of the telling of their story; so
perhaps after all, nothing but good was meant, their: from the; face-value. You remember no dou
start. At any rate from first to last there i* not a page in j having been jilted by the girl of his
this book that is not sweet, wholesome and entirely readable, 'upon a walking tour; how on the first day of this expedi-
Llere is tenderness without mawkishncss, humour without tion ho fought a bloody battle with a carter, about nothing
noise, a sufliciency of action without harshness of outline; j in particular, and arrived at a village with the significant
most' surprising, 'hero is a story, in which many of the name of Dapplemoio. You will not have forgotten that at
character^ air of the Stage, presented with an entire absence Dapplemere there lived a small boy, who talked as boys do
of limelight or any other vulgarity. All this, indeed, one ; in books but nowhere e'.so; a lavendery old lady-house-
expects from the title-page; but none the less it is no mean keeper whose name (need I remind you?) was Miss
( \|>rcts
achievement.
-page;
And so — my congratulations.
Through the Ayes Belcrcd (HoTOHIKBOS) might be fairly
described as nn unusual story. I am bound to say that I
Priscilla; and a maiden as fair as she was impoverished.
You recall too how all these charming people took George
to their expansive hearts, and welcomed him as the ideal
hero, without apparently once noticing that he must at the
both admired and enjoyed it; but at the same time a more moment (on the author's own showing) have had a swollen
tangled tale it was never my task to unravel. For the J nose and probably two black eyes. No, I repeat my verdict.
benefit of future explorers I will say that the motive of the ; The whole thing is too easy. I understand, however, that
•
America, where The
Money Moon is at present
shining more brightly than
with us, there exists a
steady demand for this
rather saccharine fiction.
So let us leave it at that.
plot— whose scene is laid ]
in Japan — is reincarna- i
tion. Consequently , :
though the hero, Kanaya,
begins as a modern stu- ;
dent who has fought
through the Eusso-Japa- \
neso war, you must be ,
prepared to find him and
yourself switched suddenly
without any warning into
the remote past. 1 am not
quite sure that Mr. H. i
GUAHAME BlCHAltDS has |
been playing the game '.
here. So unheralded is ;
the transference that even
theclose and careful reader :
will experience some be- ;
wilderment ; as, for ex-
ample, when the heroine,
whose own name remains !
the same in both ages,
re-enters with different
parents.
per, his doom will be ' — "'
confusion unmitigated. However, once you have found
your bearings again, there is much to admire in the treat-
ment of a time and a place so eminently picturesque. Mr.
RICHARDS' pen-pictures of Japanese scenery have all the
delicate beauty of paintings upon ivory. The clear, clean
air, the colour of sunrise flushing some exquisite landscape,
a flight of birds crossing a garden, of azaleas—all these aro
realized with obvious knowledge and enthusiasm, and more
than compensate for the intricacy of the plot. But this is
certainly there. Once only was 1 myself near vanquished.
This was when the Kanaija of the past, himself the result
of the modern Kanayu hitting his head on a stone, began
to hint of uneasy visions pointing to a remote Port-Arthurian
future. Here I confess that (like Alice and The Bed King)
I longed for some authoritative pronouncement as to who
was the genuine dreamer, and who would " go out." Still,
an original story, and one to be read, even if with knitting
of brows.
There seems some lack of proper respect in describing as
story that, when no longer in its first youth, j ..An ewo, owned by Mr. Sydney Crowthor, of Oak View Farm,
enjoy a second blooming at ten shillings and sixpence > I'lompton, near Harrogate, has given birth to a lamb."
iet, in its own cardboard box, and embellished with any Yorkshire Evening Post.
iity of the liveliest coloured pictures. Yet I fear that ! One would have expected a lion in these martial days.
THE PASSPORT WITH ACCOMPANYING PHOTOGRAPH SOMETIMES AROUSES
j SUSPICION. OSE SELDOM LOOKS LIKE ONESELF IMMEDIATELY AFTEB A
r the skip- 1 EOUGH OHAHNEL CBOSSINa.
There must be many
persons (1 am one of them
myself) who, when con-
fronted with a topical
burlesque of Alice in
Wonderland, would con-
fess to a little regret.
The book is such a treas-
ured joy that one hates to
have any hands, even the
cleverest, laid upon it.
Yet the deed is so often
done that there is clearly
a large public that does
not share this view. There-
fore a welcome seems
assured for what is cer-
tainly, so far, the wittiest
of the attempts, Malice in Kulturland (THE CAB ILLUS-
TBATED), written by HORACE WYATT, with pictures by TELL.
The ingenuity with which the parodists have handled their
task makes me wish that my personal prejudice had allowed
me to appreciate it more whole-heartedly. Especially neat
is the transformation of the Cheshire Oat into a Russian
Bear, seen everywhere in the wood (there is a clever drawing
of this). You remember how, at Alice's request, the Cat
kindly obliged with a gradual disappearance from tail to
grin ? The Bear does the same, " beginning with an official
statement, and ending with a rumour, which was still very
persistent for some time afterwards." Mr. WYATT has
certainly a pretty turn of wit, which I shall look to see
him developing in other and more virgin fields.
"CAN WINKLES BE ELIMINATED?"
Bristol Observer.
They can be withdrawn with a pin.
]'V.],,«uAHY 21, 1915.] .PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAIMVAKI.
141
CHARIVARIA.
DH. RICHARD STRAUSS has composed
a. new Miircli for the KAISKK. It is
presumably 0110 with the Jdes left out.
It is not only to their enemies that
the Germans aro cruel. The WAR LOUD
is said to have forbidden the stout
gentlemen who form the Landwehr to
wear body-belts, on the ground that
these would make them appear stouter
still. ., .....
' *
The KAISER, a Berlin message in-
forms us, took a stroll in the Zoo the
other day. Wo doubt however whether
the wild boasts can teach him anything.
* =;:
"If I had my way," writes a corre-
spondent, " I would shoot
every spy on the spot."
Yes, but supposing he hasn't
got a spot ?
" Why," asks a silly
fellow, " should not our
ships fly the flag of the
Swiss Navy? To this no j
possible exception could be
taken." ,;. ...
We have heard a good deal
about a wonderful long-
distance gun which the
Germans are said to have
in reserve, but an official
communique issued from
Berlin shows that this has
been easily outclassed by
guns in the possession of j
the despised Yankees. "On
the Western front," wo are
told, "shells have been
could do incalculable harm with their
powers of depression.
"What-," asks ignoramus, "is the
meaning of the little pieces of black
ribbon which the Welsh Hcgiment wears
at the back of its tunic collars? Has
it anything to do with what the
Germans call ' Der Tag ' ? "
•
The inmates of a certain London
pension were interested to hear, the
other day, that their late cook is in the
German Navy, and they are now pic-
turing him in the foremost rank when
the order is given, "Prepare to repel
boarders." ... ...
' if"
In Germany, cat-skins are being
converted into garments for the troops,
finding it diflicult to earn a living.
Even those persons who have not
enlisted aro keeping their hair on.
Owing to the fact that nearly 250
elementary schools have been utilised
for military purposes about L3.000
children have been compelled to take a
holiday. Thanks, no doubt, to the
splendid patriotic spirit which is sweep
ing the country, in no single instance
was it necessary to use force.
A gentleman writes from Half Moon
Street to The Times to complain of the
" high-handed methods " of our Pass-
ports Department. On the form pro-
vided for the purpose he described his
face as " intelligent," but the passport
called it
'oval." This, we suppose, is
one of the drawbacks of a
photograph having to bo
provided. Possibly it might
still be practicable to com-
promise by getting the de-
scription altered to " Half
Moon face " ?
found which undoubtedly L
came from American factories."
It is semi-officially announced at
Athena that the report which has ap-
peared in the Italian Press of the
intended marriage of the Crown Prince
of GREECE and Princess ELIZABETH
of ROUMANIA is an invention. It is
possible, however, that it may be con-
sidered in the light of a suggestion,
and we understand that the parties
concerned are much obliged to the
newspapers for the idea.
Y'ct another change of name is an-
nounced. Wo learn from a German
source that JOAN OP ARC has now
become JOHANNA VON AACHEN.
:;: \\:
We note that a corps of "Optimists"
has been formed. Why not a battalion
of Pessimists as well? Wo have plenty
of material to hand, and, if these came
into contact with the enemy, they
Father (cm leave from Ute front). "I THINK WE'D BETTEB BE GOING
HOME NOW, MABOEBY."
Margery. "On, NO, DAD — NOT YET. THESE ABE A. LOT MOBE
PEOPLE I WANT TO SHOW YOU TO."
and it is said to be a heartrending
sight to see the poor pussies shivering
without their fur. However, at the
instigation of an animal-lovers' society,
kind-hearted women are now reported
to bo knitting costumes for the poor
derelicts. „. ....
"Mr. John Gibson, a schoolmaster
of Rotherham, Yorkshire, has, The
Mail informs us, "caught a white
cabbage butterfly."
presume
German.
that this
We are
aviator
left
was
to
Answer to a Correspondent : — We
quite agree with you that among the
wprst peculiarities of the KAISER are
his marked pro-German tendencies.
& :;:
Hairdressers all over the country,
says The Express, are complaining that,
with so many men at the Front or in
the various training camps, they aro
Another Scotch Raid on
Ireland.
The retiring Imsii VICE-
ROY'S attempt to annex Tara
to Aberdeen appears to have
infected his countrymen.
There is an evident con-
spiracy among the Scottish
Press to alter the date of
Ireland's patron saint,
doubtless with some ulterior
motive. " To.- morrow is
St. Patrick's Day," boldly
asserts The Stirling Senti-
nel of February 16th, while
The Straihearn Herald of
the 13th declares with equal assurance
that " Wednesday first is St. Patrick's
Day." Until they can agree among
themselves, Mr. Punch will continue to
celebrate March 17th.
From The Times, " On Giving
Advice" : —
"... If a man comes and tells you that
he disapproves of you, you can reply that you
disapprove of him ; and (here is an end of it."
We should have thought that it had
only just begun.
Recording KING ALBERT'S flight in
a Belgian bi-plane, the Exchange Tele-
graph Company says : —
" This is the first aerial reconnaissance, at
all events in recent times, undertaken by. a
crowned King."
We like the Company's caution, and
have gone so far as to italicize it. In
these days of sweeping statements we
cannot be too guarded in our language.
VOL. CXLVIII.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CI1A1MVAIM. [FEBRUARY- 24. 1915.
THE ENEMY'S ARMOUR.
" Wo propose to attack all British merchant-
that case our merchantmen will defend
„ _.„. 0 well, if they go and do a dastardly thing
like that, of course wo shall bu justified in attacking them."
See paraphrase, issued tit tlio 1'reis by the German Embassy at
Washington, of a Not* liandcd to the State Department by Count
A FLAW IN
[German Admiralty.
-miii'."
lintain. "In
hrw."
German Admiralty.
No, 'twas not Sir WILLIAM GILBERT
Who composed (the funny dog),
Full of flavour as a filbert,
This delightful dialogue;
British wits may not usurp its
Claim to beauty, which is due
To the tedious Admiral TIKPITZ
And the solemn pirate crew
Who've arranged to scare us badly with their bolts from
out tho Blue.
Often I politely wonder,
As I watch the tranquil sea,
How these peals of paper thunder
Strike the natives on the Spree;
When they heard "The Jolly Roger"
Meant to scuttle our Marine,
And (from Thursday last) dislodge her
Off the surface of tho scene —
How tboy took it all so gravely, with a heart so fresh
and green.
Many virtues, past denying.
They possess without a peer —
That capacity for lying,
That amazing gift for beer;
As for pushfulness, no nation
Shows their match in shop or mart,
And, for pure self-admiration,
They 've reduced it to an art ;
But in elementary humour they have still to make a start.
Though -we 're not engaged in sport, I 'm
Eather sorry for a race
Which amid the stress of war-time
Does without this saving grace ;
Much we others find to weary us
Where we wait for March to blow,
But our boredom can't be serious
While wo still enjoy a foe
Which has got,
way to go.
in point of humour, such a dam long
0. S.
UNWRITTEN
LETTERS TO
No. XV.
THE KAISER.
(From SAMUEL PORTER, generally known as SHINING SAMMT,
aboard H.M.S. — - in the North Sea.)
TOUR HIGH MIGHTINESS, — They tell me, and by what 1
can read about it it 's right, that you "re very angry with us
sailormen. Well, you can go on being angry for all we
care. Your being annoyed don't do us any manner of
injury, although 1 daresay it frightens some of the chaps
that hang round you and go on licking your boots till your
head swells. But we're not built that way. We've got
our duty to do and we're going to do it, even if we do
manage to hurt your Imperial German feelings — yours and
old Turps's and all your other Admirals' into the bargain,
if we hoar of you setting to work to smash all your own
crockery and kick tho stuffing out of the Sunday chairs in
tho parlour, and tear up tho carpets, and put your fist
through the window-panes, d'you think that's going to
make a'ny difference to us?
1 had an uncle once, rny mother's half-brother, but much
older than her, their father having married a second time
when lie was well oh in years. He was just one of your
sort was my uncle, a big man and proud, and couldn't bear
to ho contradicted by his family. Consequence was his
wife and all my cousins used to t.emble before him, and it
was "Got your father's boots and be quick about it," or
Sally, you 'ro- sitting in your father's favourite chair; get
a move on you, do; " and all that kind of tiling, till he got
to think he couldn't do wrong. Well, one night he cotno
homo in a temper through slipping upon a piece of banana
skin and the pavement being a hit too hard for him. First
thing he did when be got home, after kicking the door in,
was to fall out with my aunt about there being no sausages
for supper, and then they had it up and down through the
whole house with him carrying on like a, madman, until at
last the policeman come in very quiet and sudden th:ough
the open door and asked to know what all the noise and
scatteration meant. You never saw a man change so quick
as that half-uncle of mine. All tho wind went out of him
pop, and he turned as quiet as a lamb, and said there 'd been
a slight misunderstanding; arid ever afterwards, when he
began to look ugly, my aunt could tone him down by
whispering the word "misunderstanding."
It strikes me you 'ro just such another as uncle, and
you'll have to knuckle down same as he did. You 're not
Koing to take command of the sea by shouting out loud
that you 've got it. Wo 're there to see to that, and don't
you forget it. All this talk of yours about sinking innocent
merchant ships and sending their crews to Kingdom Come
is what a real sailorman can't swallow. It only shows
what you and Admiral Turps and the rest of you are made
of. Mind, I don't say you 're not capable of it if you think
you won't get your own skins hurt. You've shown your-
selves great chaps for tho sneaking game, but you can't
keep the old rule of the sea, which orders a man to save
life as well as destroy it. You "re a great hand at blowing
poor women und children to bits at fortified towns like Scar-
borough and Whitby, but when your Admiral got his chance
of picking a few fellows out of the sea at Coionel, what did
he do? Sailed away and left them to drown, and then
said the sea was too rough. No real sailor could have
said that, or even thought it, for a sailor thinks of the
waves as his brothers and the winds as his sisters, and
when the big guns have done speaking he 's out to rescue
them as can't help themselves no more. When our men/
picked up yours they didn't stop to think about it or reason
it out to themselves. They did it prompt because it was
the old rule and they had to keep it or look on themselves
as curs. I 'm sorry to have to say. all this because I 'in
not one for boasting; but the long .and the short of it is
that you don't understand the sea and your men don't
understand the ways of sailors. And that 's why I think
you 're not going to out us just yet. I don't respect you,
not a bit, and when you 're angry and go racketing about
the world, you mustn't take it unkind of me if you hear
me laugh.
There, I feel better now.
Yours,
SHINING SAMMY.
The War in the Air.
In view of the alarming rumours as to the German
preparations for invading us it is really comforting to learn,
from a headline in The Vancouver Daily Province (B.C.),
that there is —
"No foundation for Keport of German Warships over Dover."
B.C. is evidently not so far behind the times as it sounds.
PUNCH, OH THK LONDON C! I \RIYARL— FW..H-AKV 'J I,
EIDERS OF THE WIND.
JOHN Puosri.-.Ko BUM.. "ARIEL, THY CHARGE
EXACTLY IS PERFORM'D; BUT THERE'S MORE WORK."
The Tempest, Act I., Sc. 2.
FKBUUAKY 21, 191.1.1 PUNCH, OR THK LONDON ( 1 1 A I! I V.\ IU.
148
TmriTz's DREAM : A SUBMARINE IN KENSINGTON GARDENS.
ENGLISH CONVERSATIONS
RAIDERS.
THE German Expeditionary Force
especially designed to land on our
shores have been supplied with a little
book entitled, Tornister Witrlerbuch
Engliseh, or An English Dictionary for
tin: Knapsack, supposed to have been
published in 19112. From a cursory '
examination of this dictionary wo no-;
t:ce that, with characteristic thorough-
ness, most things have been thought
of, but no provision has been made for '
certain highly probable contingencies j
which might arise when the KAISHR'S
troops occupy London. We attempt
to supply a few omissions on the lines
of the phrases set down in the book.
IN THE 'Bus.
" Conductor, stop at the wine-cellars."
" Kindly get up, Madam ; 1 desire to
sit down."
"What is the time? Truly your
watch is a handsome one ! I will mind
it for you. Pray take this receipt." i
"Conductor, remove these passen-
gers; I desire to doze. Call mo when
we ic:ich the Bank."
" Your waterproof looks somewhat
FOR GERMAN i suPer'or tnan n}}ae> does it not? Let
us exchange."
" Take me to the beer- gardens."
" I have eaten and drunk too much.
Bring me an apothecary."
AT THE OFFICE OF THE CENSOR
OF PLAYS.
" Withdraw forthwith all plays ex-
cepting those written by BEHNARD
SHAW, and also The Flag-Lieutenant,."
" Re- write The Flag-Lieutenant so
that ten British battleships, three
cruisers and twelve destroyers are sunk
by the German Navy twice nightly and
thrice at each matinee performance."
"CHURCHILL, FISHER and BEHES-
FOHD, who will bo present in the stage
box at each performance, will lead the
applause. During each entr'acte they
will shout twice in chorus, ' Hoch !
der Kaiser.' "
IN THE PRESS BUREAU OFFICE.
"Produce three German victories
for each edition of the evening news-
papers."
AT THK Zoo.
" Take me to the British lion house."
" Keeper, attention ! If within two
days the tails of these lions are not
trained to droop you will spend the
night in the den. Do not argue ! "
IN Tin: RES TAUBANT.
" I desire to pay my bill, and also that
of my four friends. Five dinners, live
magnums, ten cigars, fifteen liqueurs.
Here are two shillings and fourpenco."
"Silence, waiter! Do not fidget. Do
not blink."
" It is forbidden to talk or argue
with a Prussian officer."
"Remove that lady with the astra-
chan collar ; it offends me."
Air. Puncli regrets that some little
( time ago he appears to have been
misled by another paper into a wrong
estimate of the attitude of the Mayor
of SUNI>F.RI,AXI> in regard to the local
formation of an Artillery Brigade, lie
now understands that, though as a
: member of the Society of Friends the
; Mayor of SCNDF.HI. \NI> objects to
| engage personally in the work of
• recruiting, he gave his loyal co-opera-
tion to the Recruiting Committee in
their efforts, already well advanced, to
i raise the Brigade.
M5 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [FEBRUARY 24, 1915.
THE CIRL HE LEFT BEHIND HIM.
MY brother's wife and her husband
hail decided before the event that, if it
was a boy, Smitli and I were to be its
godfathers ; if it was a girl, I was to
drop out. Smith, I should mention,
was our ricli friend, with the fur over-
coat and no ties (family ties, that is),
a man who could be safely depended
on for a really solid silver mug. As
mat'.ers fell out, it pioved to bo a girl.
This, from my point of view, was just
as well, since in any case I could not
think she is perfectly beautiful? Look
at hor lags."
" The legs," I agreed, "are extremely
chic, Init the face — •" I hesitated.
" Yes? " she said coldly.
1 It has improved wonderfully, won-
derfully ; but don't you think it is still
a little — er — lacking in finish, so to
speak ? "
" Several peop'o have said," she ob-
served icily, " that baby is very like
you.
" Not in my hearing," I protested.
: Besides, people always say kind
have risen above electro-plate, and things about babies."
quits possibly invidious com-
parisons between Smith and
myself might have suggested
themselves to the mind of my
nephew. I am a sensitive
man, ono who does not care
to bo sniffed at, even by a
godchild.
On a certain afternoon,
when my niece was a little
more than a mouth old, I
dropped in on the family. I
found my brother's wife sitting
by the fire with her daughter
on her lap.
"You are not looking well,
Horace," she said.
I laughed a little thinly.
" A slight cold," I replied.
As a matter of fact it was
not a cold ; it was the result
of msntal anxiety. I "had
seen the baby several times
since its arrival, and the more
I had studied it the more per-
sistently had there grown in
my mind a doubt as to how
Smith, a man of aesthetic tem-
perament, would be affected
by it. If he jibbed, I knew 1
was pretty certain to be roped
in to fill the gap.
" Baby is to be christened
on Saturday," announced my
brother's wife.
So it was all right after all. GIVI
A wave of relief swept over me. I was
so excited that I came close to my
niece and smiled upon her. Her mother
hastily lowered the child's flannel
visor.
" Don't, Horace," she said.
"1 suppose Smith was quito pleased
to officiate? " 1 remarked.
1st Knut. " WAINING AGAIN ! BEASTLY WOTTEN WEATHAH I "
2nd Knut. " YAAS, OLD MAN. THESE WEATHAR CONDITIONS
'•* VEWY vlylp IPE*H Q*1 MM- m THE TWUNCIIESI"
" Wo haven't asked him yet," she
answered ;
delighted."
but of course ho will bo
I sat down weakly. Saturday seemed
very near.
"Has he S3en her? '
low voice.
I asked in a
Something in my tone must have
aroused her suspicions. " You don't
mean to say, Hoiase, that you don't
Except their uncles," she retorted.
"Believe me," 1 said earnestly, "I
love this child. In all probability she
will blossom into the apple of my eye.
On the other hand, I happen to know
that Smith, who has always led a
strictly -shielded life, has never yet
bean introduced to so young a baby ;
and speaking for the moment not as
an uncle, but merely as a man, I am
inclined to think that just at present
she would, to put it plainly, frighten
him. Now consider. You wish Smith
to become your daughter's godfather.
Is it wise, in the child's own interests,
to run the risk of a refusal by precipi-
tating matters? No, no; wait a few
weeks longer; the delay will involve
no extra charge. Baby is changing for
the bettor every day, and I am confi-
dent that in a little while hor counten-
ance will have developed most of the
customary details."
My brother's wife rose with her
infant and walked across the room.
"I think you arc perfectly inhuman,"
she said. " I am writing to Mr. Smith
myself to-night, and I shall ask him to
call and seo baby at once." She went
out, banging the door, by a clever
sleight of foot, behind hor.
On the next day but ono I received
a note from my brother asking me to
1 corne round at onco. With a
heavy heart I complied with
his request. Ho took mo into
his study and shut -the door.
"I'm afraid Smith is a non-
starter," he said. "Yesterday
morning, when I mentioned
the matter to him, ho seemed
quite enthusiastic. In the
afternoon he called to sco the
child. Unfortunately we were
both out, and baby was in
charge of her nurse. I cannot
gather f i om the woman exactly
what occurred at the inter-
view ; she is most evasive
about it. But it appears that
Smith was very much upset
by something or other, and
that he only stayed a minute
or two. The housemaid, who
let him out, declares that he
was trembling violently. This
morning I got a wire from
him."
He handed mo a telegram :
"Very sorry cannot lullil en-
gagement have volunteered for
motor section anti-aircraft ser-
vico leaving for London im-
mediately SMITH."
"I can hardly believe it,"
my brother went on ; " it 's
one of the most dangerous
branches of the se.-vico, and
Smith never struck mo as
being a man of much physical courage."
" He is not," I replied, " but in this
caso ho evidently fears the Eront less
than the font."
My brother looked at me thought-
fully. " I suppose we can le-ly on you
for Saturday, Horace?"
"Yes," 1 answered sadly.
On my way home 1 went into
the jeweller's and chose a very largo
and handsome silver mug, which 1
directed to be despatched to my
godchild.
" Will you pay for it now, Sir? " the
jeweller asked.
"No," I said; " put it down to Mr.
Ebenezer Smith of the motor section
of the anti-aircraft service."
FKHKUAHY 24, 1915.J
PUNCH, Oli THE LONDON CHAIMV.MM.
147
ANOTHER DOG OF WAR.
DKAU MH. IVxrii, — When my master
got tlio mail a month old, lie opened
I'uiicli first (su ho always does), ami
when lie saw tho letter from the
"Very Sad J-og," ho sat mo on tho
ward-room table and read it out to
me. I wept till the tears rolled down
my face, because of course every clog
should bo with his master at the Front.
I am a very proud dog, and my Aire-
dale father and .Irish Terrier mother
would yelp for joy if they knew, because
of course 1 iiimstcd oa going to the
Front with Master. When wo mobilised,
Master took mo oil on a ridey-walk to
the stables, and ho stayed a long time
stroking his polo ponies, until i heard
him say, "Good-bye, my darlings."
Then 1 began to suspect something.
Concealing the jealous pangs I always
feel when ho is near these beasts, I hur-
ried back to tho depot-shin and found his
servant packing ! I have ooen had that
way once before. Never again. That
evening I went on board our (master
calls it his) torpedo boat destroyer and
got into a locker in the ward-room
pantry. Tho locker is two feet square
and I wei<;li f rty-livo pounds, but I
managed it. A ham was in tho next
locker, and I never budged an inch,
although I have a passion for ham. At
midnight I heard Master come on
board, reading out from a signal pad
about hostilities and shouting Hoorah !
lie hailed tho quartermaster and said
something about having lost his d d
dog (chat 's me) and wanting tho mess to
look after me. I quivered with anxiety.
Presently we cast off, and when I
knew by the fact of the ham bumping
against my partition that we were
going at full spoed I climbed on deck.
1 always rather funk the ordeal of
meeting Master on these occasions, but
the result is always the same : I stay.
I did the usual performance of wagging
my tail, then squirming on the deck
and trying to look as if I 'd got there
by accident, etc., until I was forgiven,
after having been called a stowaway
and a possible German spy. Master's
naval vocabulary is so extensive that
if 1 were to repeat what he said when
we mot it would resemble one of those
despatches that the Censor has to
handle.
Living in a T.B.D. I don't get much
exercise except when Master takes me
over to see his friends in the other
boats. A cat lives in one and a rabbit
in the other. I come back feeling
pleasantly tired.
I have to put up with a good deal of
neglect nowadays. Jn the old days
Master was always talking to me in a
special language of our own, such as
Small boy (much interested in Shopman's reason/or Iiijh price of eggs).
HOW DO THE HENS KSOW WE 'BE AT WAK WITH GEBMANY?"
BUT, NUMUT,
" Yarafattog " (which means you are a
fat dog), but now he spends moat of his
time poring over charts and muttering
to himself strange German names. I
am sick of being at sea all day (and,
between ourselves, have been several
times) and am anxiously waiting for
another splendid hunt like the one we
had off Heligoland or some such place,
though Master refers to it as the Uelof-
afight. When the guns went off I
growled all tho time and tho hair on
my back stuck out so stiff that it took
Master's servant a good week's combing
and brushing to get it smooth again.
I am very useful on board. To men-
tion only one instance, at lunch-time
wo were rolling about 50° each way and
the corned beef came off the table. I
actually succeeded in catching it before
it fell on to the deck, and saved it from
being rendered uneatable by the salt
water on tho deck. Master came down
at that moment and called me a Hun
(which is German for hound) ; but when
ho saw that the empty plates (which,
aren't eatable) had also fallen off the
table, he apologised and said I was a
British dog all right.
I sleep in the bunk with Master (we
sometimes get a good four hours' sleep
every third or fourth day) and then
1 1 dream I am back again in the old
park at homo chasing the rabbits. I
had to apologise to Master the other
night, as after a very fine run and just
as I was about to catch a succulent
rabbit I woke up to find I had nearly
148
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [FEBBUARY 24, 1915.
kicked him out of the hunk. Ho
looked :it mo and said, " You old
ruffian, 1 know where you've been
hunting, hut it's weak to think of such
things nowadays;" so I try nob to
dream any more.
When 1 am on watch with Master
1 \\eur a tiling culled a " Balaclava
helmet." She sent it to Master, who
spent half-an-hour trying to lind out
where and how to put it on. Then he
iillrrcd it to the coxswain, who said he
" didn't 'old with them now-fangled
ideas." The crew looked at it and
said the weather was too cold for
bathing yet, and so Master decided it
was just the thing for me. Where and
how I wear it I cannot describe in case
she sees my letter, but it keeps me nice
and warm.
When I come back after the War
Master 'has promised me a medal. If
I don't come back, arid I heard Master
say once that " our graves are under
our keel," you '11 know 1 "in still with
Master. With two licks and a wag-tail,
I remain, Yours faithfully,
A VERY GLAD DCG.
[Will the author of the above letter
kindly communicate to the Editor his
full name and as much of his address
as the Censor will pass ? ]
OVERCROWDING IN THE PARKS.
WE are faced with the overcrowding
problem again — this time in the Parks.
Last Sunday we were manoeuvring
against a convoy represented by our
Motor Section. I was in the General
Reserve — I always am. The principal
business of the General Reserve is to
catch cold. On this occasion the
General Reserve consisted of two
platoons, inclusive of Bailey and myself.
The trouble started with Dawkins.
Dawkins was sent scouting. He had
only just entered a convenient coppice,
sat down and lit his pipe, when he was
violently prodded in the back. It was
then intimated to him that he was a
prisoner. Dawkins, who has a good
general knowledge of life, naturally
demanded the nature of the charge and
production of the warrant. Not receiv-
ing anything like the proper stereotyped
'reply, Dawkins correctly diagnosed that
his captor was not a constable, common
or special, and prepared to debate the
matter. The allegation against Dawkins
was that he was loitering within the
lines of the Bermondsey Billposters in
possession of arms and no satisfactory
password. Dawkins asserts that ho
' very endeavour to preserve peace.
H<' pointed out that the Billposters'
pitch possessed no visible lines of
demarcation ; that the Park was not
vested in the Billposters, and that
" arms " was an exaggerated term to
apply to his ancient but trusty musket.
Ho even tried several guesses at the
password, but, after drawing a blank
with the word " paste," gave it up.
In the course of the ensuing argu-
ment they reached the edge of the
coppice and our Company Commander
mistook Daw-kins' gesticulations with
his rille for the signal " Enemy in sight
in largo numbers." Ho at onca dis-
patched No. 1 Platoon to hold the
coppice.
The next incident was the discovery
of a signaller on the rising ground east
by north-east. Hamrnersley, our Sema-
phore expert, without hesitation de-
clared that the message was being sent
in Morse, while Ilolloway, our Morse
expert, was equally emphatic that it
was Semaphore. On my suggestion
that it might be a code message, Jenkins,
who once won an acrostic competition,
was co-opted on to the committee. To
everyone's astonishment the committee
came to. a decision. They announced
that it was a code message sent partly
in Morse and partly in Semaphore and
that the true interpretation of it was
that we were to make a flank attack
on the right. It subsequently tran-
spired that the signaller was an un-
attached individual practising what he
believed to be Semaphore for his own
edification.
Meanwhile our Commander inarched
off No. 2 Platoon with the exception of
Bailey and myself. We were left to
hold the position and "keep in touch."
Having no precise instructions as to
what we were to keep in touch with,
we decided to start on Bailey's sand-
wiches. I was lodging a complaint at
the parcity of mustard when an excited
officer of cyclists appeared. He wanted
the General Reserve, and we offered
our services. He seemed dissatisfied
with us, more, I presume, on the ground
of quantity than quality. We assured
him that there had been more of us, but
that the others had gone off on some
errand the nature of which we had for-
gotten, though Bailey thought that it
had to do with mushrooms. When he
wanted to know which of us was in
command we were not in accord on the
subject and offered to submit the matter
to him for arbitration. Having ascer-
tained that there was nothing between
us in the matter of seniority, as we had
both joined on the samo day and both
our subscriptions were in arrear ab
initio, he curtly ordered us to reinforce
the firing line and departed.
I won the toss and took command.
After showing Bailey the proper way to
salute his Superior Officer 1 put him
through such parts of the manual and
physical exercises as I could remember
and ordered him to form fours. As
Bailey isn't very well up in his drill
and seemed at a loss how to carry
out this somewhat intricate movement,
I waived the point and decided to
advance in file.
If we had thought of enquiring as to
the position of tho firing lino the rein-
forcing business would have presented
less difficulty. We started out in what
I thought was a likely direction and
were lucky to catch sight of them quite
early on. I at once extended Bailey
ten paces and directed him to advance
by rushes. For some reason Bailey
seemed to object to lying down in
puddles and I had to threaten to report
him for insubordination. I didn't in-
tentionally choose swampy patches
when I gave him tho signal to lie
down, but it is obvious that low-lying
places afford the best cover. Bailey
didn't understand that as an officer I
didn't have to lie down, though every-
body but Bailey knows that it is an
officer's duty to expose himself as much
as possible. This prevents panic among
the men and encourages the junior
officers by affording them an early
prospect of promotion.
When we reached the firing line we
found that they were doing practically
nothing. As this appeared to be due to
the inefficiency of their officers I at
once gave the command for "five rounds
rapid" and then "charge." Though I
led it, I feel justified in saying that it
was a good charge. If I had had time
to ascertain that we had inadvertently
reinforced the Tooting Borough Council,
who were lying in ambush for the Lime-
house Borough Council, I should prob-
ably have hesitated before taking over
command. Our charge seems to have
been premature, and the Limehouseites
claimed to have gained some kind of
advantage.
There didn't seem much use in staying
to discuss the matter with a number of
comparative strangers, so wo did a
route march to the nearest buses and so
home. I gather that our Commandant
was disappointed at not being reinforced
and was inclined to ho harsh with all
with whom he came in contact. There
was no real occasion for him to have
been put out, as the convoy never got
through. Their motor cyclist was run
in for exceeding the speed limit; the
cycle-car broke down before reach-
ing the Park, and the Ford was
ambushed by the Wapping Pawn-
brokers, who had made that road im-
practicable by placing a few logs just
round tho bend.
I think that there is no doubt that
the Park was overcrowded that day
and that the authorities ought to do
something about it.
PKHHOAUY 24, 1915.J PUNCH, OH THE LONDON CHARIVAKI.
M9
OUR VOLUNTEER RESERVE.
"I DON'T BELIEVE IS PUTTING OS INTO 'UNIFORM. 'IT'LL MAKE THE DRILLING MUCH HARDER." "WHY?"
"\VELL, FOR INSTANCE, SUPPOSE THE COMMAND is 'On THE LEFT — FORM PLATOON,' I KNOW AS LONG AS I GET IN BETWEEN YOUB
HAT AND THIS CHAP'S CAP I'M ALL RIGHT. BUT IF WE ALL, LOOKED ALIKE WHERE SHOULD I BE?" ,
THE PRICE.
AMONG the working classes they do
speak rather seriously sometimes of
the high prices of food.
On the 7.21 the other morning, from
somewhere in the East, the suhject
engaged the attention of the railway
compartment.
"Bread at eightpence -and Britain
mistress of the seas ! Scand'lous ! The
Gover'ment ought to be ashamed of
'em selves."
" 'Ark at old Charlie ! What 's the
matter \vi' you this mornin", Charlie
my hoy? Didn't the missis give you
any hreakfast afore you come out? "
" Never mind what the missis give
me. What gets over mo is that there "s
hlokes like you as '11 submit to it like
bloomin' sheep, afraid to open your
If the Gover'meut can find
take its soldiers across the
and all the luxuries they
mouths,
ships to
Channel,
,ret— "
" 'Ero, none of that ! You stop that,
young Charlie, 'r else you get outed at
the next station, if not before. Ain't
that right, gen'lemen? Spealdn" for
meself, I 'd a dam sight sooner pay
eightpence for bread for my kids now
than 'ave to find fivepence for 'em like
I did last February, and nothin' comin'
in."
•"Yes, and when was you workin'
overtime in February before, Charlie?
Besides, it 's worth payin' a bit extra
to know that the KAYSER'S gettin' it
in the neck."
"KAYSER? What's the workin'
classes got to do with your Kaysers
and Kings,? "
" That puts the lid on, my son ; next
station, and out you go. You can give
your KEIB 'AHDIE chat to somebody
else."
" Oh, leave "im alone. 'E ain't 'appy
unless 'e's sufferin'. Wait till 'o's
earnin" four quid a week, with all this
overtime 'e's gettin' — won't 'e 'ave
somethin' to say about the income tax ! "
The man in the corner had been
listening, but had said nothing. He
was older than any of the others. Now
ho spoke.
" You don't know what you 're
talkin' about," he said almost con-
temptuously.
" Who don't?"
"None of you don't. You don't
know 'ow much bread costs. Eight-
pence! "
" Well, that 's right, ain't it? "
" No, and I '11 tell you the price of it.
I *ve got my three boys out there —
at least, I had. One 's in hospital witli
his leg off— he '11 be home next week.
One's in the trenches — or was, when
I heard last. And my Bill, he was on
the MonmoittJi."
The train stopped. Nobody moved
to put Charlie out, and nothing was
said. Then the train went on ; and
presently the elderly man spoke again :
" Kightpence ! And what price my
boys ? You don't know any thin' about
it. It ain't you that 's payin1."
" By pouring boiling water down tbc barrels
of their rifles our soldiers keep the rifles clear
of dust."— /)aif;/ Mirror.
We were half afraid that our troops at
the Front were having weather like
ours. But it seems that, in addition to
the usual corrosive acid deposit, there
is dust in their barrels. They should
collect this after blowing it out through
the breech, as a peck of dust is known
to be extremely valuable about this
time of year.
.STUDY OP A PRUSSIAN HOUSEHOLD HAVING ITS MOBNINQ HATE.
THE EIGOURS OF WAR-TIME.
4
DEAB ME. PUNCH,— I should like
your advice' with regard to a most
difficult situation which has arisen in
my family.
I am the mother of two boys. Philip,
the elder, has enlisted in a most correct
Territorial Battalion — there is a son of
a Knight in his platoon. My other son,
Clarence, applied for a commission,
and obtained one in the 27th Battalion
of the Eegiment. True, the mess
is exclusively composed of Colonels and
Second Lieutenants, but, as Clarence
points out, this is an advantage, for
when ho is promoted he assures me
that he will automatically become
Lieutenant-Colonel, as there are no
officers between him and this rank.
That, however, is not the point on
wnioh I wish to be advised. My troubles
began over a week ago, when I was
walking on the promenade at Brighton
witli Clarence. We were chatting
gaily about the war when suddenly
1 saw Philip coming towards us. 1
went forward eagerly to embrace him,
but when he saw Clarence he seemed
to freeze and, assuming a very rigid
attitude, saluted. Clarence returned
the salute a trifle haughtily, I thought
onsidering that Philip is nearly two
years older and much taller.
Well, will you believe it, Mr. Punch?
ihey refused to walk together with me.
Clarence maintained that it was not
discipline, and Philip said that if he
accompanied an officer he would be
obliged to walk at attention, with ff
constant "eyes right," which might
permanently affect his sight.
So there was nothing for it but to
separate.
I have just this morning heard, in-
dependently from each of them, that
they have obtained leave for next week-
end and propose to spend it with me.
What am I to do? If I put one of
them off, that one will bo deeply
offended. If they both come I foresee
endless complications. Normally, for
our house is small, they share one
bedroom. That, of course, is now
impossible, as even in pyjamas 1 under-
stand the King's Regulations are bind-
ing, and for Philip to sleep at attention
might have serious results.
Again, what about meals? They
cannot eat together at table, yet J
should hesitate to ask Philip to take
his meals in the kitchen; still worse
I could not bear to see him 'standing
bolt upright at the sideboard, debarred
>y Clarence's presence from taking part
°.n the conversation.
Do please get me out of this difficulty
Yours, etc.,
BRITISH MATRON.
P.S. Possibly Philip's Colonel would
grant him commissioned rank just for
;he week-end if he knew how matters
stood.
Always Merry and Bright.
" The Lighter Side of War : Le Cote
Plaisant de la Guerre" is the heading
of The Continental Daily Mail to a pag<
of illustrations, one of which repre
sents French soldiers burying German
dead.
Metropolitan Water, February 16th.
Algy had his bath.
The bath was bilgy.
The bilge was alga,
"FOR CHEAPER FOOD.
COUNTY COUNCIL ACTION.
The price of coal was also raised at th
Council meeting." — Daily Chronicle.
Surely this was unnecessary; the pro
ducors, carriers and distributors do no
appear to require any help in thi
direction.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— FEBRUARY 24. 1915.
RUNNING AMOK.
GERMAN BULL. "I KNOW I'M MAKING A ROTTEN EXHIBITION OF MYSELF; BUT I
SHALL TELL EVERYBODY I WAS GOADED INTO IT."
FEHKUARY 24, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR TJIK LONDON CHARIVA III.
1.13
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
(KXTIlAtTMIl I ICON! I III) DlAllV <)!•' ToilY, JF. P.)
House of Commons, Monday, \nth
l''i'l ntiiri/. — Since Commons reassem-
bled a fortnight ago attendance has been
dismally slack, proceedings dolefully
dull. Seemed as if House were on
verge of dissolution by process of inan-
ition. This afternoon startling change
suddenly wrought. Every seat on floor
occupied. Strangers' Gallery, including
that reserved for tho Diplomatic body,
Westminster schoolboys and other emi-
nent personages, crowded. A number
of Peers awaiting opening of business
in their own house ilockcd to their
Gallery over tho clock.
Explanation found in order of
proceedings. Two stars billed to
appear -- CHANCELLOR OF Ex-
ciiEiiUEu and FIRST LORD ov
ADMIRALTY. LLOYD GEORGE scin-
tillated first. Explained object of
financial conference in Paris, where
he met Finance Ministers of Franco
and Eussia. At present moment,
as ho pointed out, the Allies aro
fighting tho full mobilised strength
of Germany r.ith one - third of
their own. 'I ho problem faced
by them is to bring at earliest
possible moment remaining two-
thirds of their resources into
fighting line.
" That," added the CHANCELLOR
emphatically, " is largely a ques-
tion of finance."
Object of Conference was to
arrive at basis of common action
for raising and distributing neces-
sary funds.
Poi'E once confessed
i a child, nor yet a fool to fame,
1 lisp'd in numbers for tho numbers
r:ime."
The three Ministers colloguing at
Paris babbled in billions with seici:e
confidence that, when called fo;1, the
billions would come. A couple must
needs be spent on the aggregate War
outlay of tho Allies up to tho 31st
of December next. With pardonable
pride tho CHANCELLOR mentioned that
state of efficiency and readiness in
which outbreak of War found the
Fleet. Forgetful, or strategically un-
mindful, of pitiless criticism levelled
Session after Session at the Admiralty,
lamenting its blind inertia, denouncing
its unpatriotic disregard of efforts made
by Germany to wrest from feeble hands
supremacy of the sea, ho insisted that
credit was exclusively duo to hon.
gentlemen who hung attentive on his
words.
"The House of Commons," ho said
with increasing winsomeness, " has a
right to claim the Navy as its child,
the unchanging object of its care and
solicitude."
matter'.' If necessary, we will suend
tho last sovereign in lirilannia's stock-
ing in finding the necessary means
The note of quiet assurance, free lucid address, occasionally lapsing into
from boast or blatancy, that marked ' eloquence, was tho FIRST SEA LORD, a
this memorable statement was echoed in I Providence sitting up aloft, watching
the WlNSOME WINSTON'S more lengthy over interests of the Navy which in
explanation of the condition, achieve- i largo measure owes its supremacy to
ments and prospects of Navy. At | him.
outset won goodwill of House — an | Business <?o«c.— Navy Estimates in
easy victory — by adroitly placing to its \ Committee,
credit tho remarkable, unprecedented : House of Lords, Tuesday. — Diverting
Conversation on tho distribution of ad-
ministrative posts between Lords and
Commons. Initiated by Cru/.oN, jealous
of full privileges of tho Chamber he
adorns and enlightens. Seems that
out of Cabinet of twenty Members only
six aro seated in tho Lords, whilst
greedy House of Commons claims and
enjoys attendance of thirty effective
Ministers. Of principal departments of
State ton have no direct representation
in Lords. This state of things CUR/ON,
amid murmur of assent, described as
" not merely invidious but almost dis-
respectful to your Lordships' House."
True that at present crisis War
Office and Admiralty aro represented
by two Peers of highest standing.
No one knows more about War
Oflice than KITCHENER, nor is any
one more intimately acquainted
with matters relating to the Navy
than Lord FISHER OK KILVEH-
STONE, affectionately known on
quarter-deck and lower decks as
" Jacky."
That all very well on face of it.
Unfortunately these high author-
ities take common view of their
duty. Each believes that his
business is not to talk but to
work. Theirs not to reason why.
whether in affirmative, negative
or judicious non-committal style.
What between them they have to
do is to keep Army and Navy in
highest state of efficiency.
A big job. Does not leave them
much time to spend in what one
irreverently describes as the " talk-
ing-shop." Are seldom seen within
its precincts. When on rare
occasions attendance appears com-
pulsory their conduct not entirely
satisfactory. Since he was made
" A TBOVIDENCE SITTING UP ALOFT." ft Peer> ^ SEA LouD haa novcr
(LoBD FISIIER.) opened his mouth in senatorial
House thus put in good humour with ! chamber except to -yawn. When, in
itself punctuated glowing speech with i bleak December, House was summoned
' to special session, ostensibly in order to
provide opportunity for important state-
ment from our War Lord, KITCHENER
read a paper conveying not a single
item of information beyond what had
been made familiar by the newspapers
during preceding fortnight. Having
made an end of reading be bolted back to
War Oflice and diligently endeavoured
to make up for what be regarded as
sad waste of half an hour's time.
SELBORNE gave notice to raise on
following day important debate on Army
matters. In course of evening received
short but polite note from K. OF K.
expressing regret that owing to pressure
of business he would not be able to bo
present.
This is magnificent; but it is not in ac-
cordance with custom observed by Peers
frequent bursts of cheering, loudest
volley rattling forth when, describing
Germany as a State which, as a matter
of deliberate policy, bad placed herself
outside all international obligations,
Great Britain is spending from 100 to i he 'presaged a declaration on part of
l/JOmillionsmoro than thehighestfigure Allied Governments, promptly to be
touched by either of its Allies. What made, which will have effect of applying
for tho first time the full force of Naval
pressure to the enemy.
Amongst most interested listeners to
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [FEBRUARY 24. 1915.
MORE LANGUAGE OF THE HOUR.
Hawker (after receivi>ig a caution from a someivhit talkative Policeman). " You AIN'T 'ABF GOT A. MUZZLK VELOCITY ! "
representing important Departments of
the State. Meanwhile it is satisfactory
to know, upon Sir JOHN FRENCH'S testi-
mony published to-day, that the Army
is doing splendidly. As for the Navy
it is incomparable. Still, as Lord
CURZON says —
Business done. — Lords having no
work to do adjourn for a week. Com-
mons vole officers and men for Navy,
with a trifle of ten thousand pounds on
account of wages. TIRPITZ will rub his
eyes when he sees this grotesquely in-
adequate sum. Between you and me —
hope the secret will not go further — it is
again what is known as " a token vote,"
ingenious device evolved at War Office
with intent to throw dust in eyes of
simple-minded Germans.
House of Commons, Thursday. —
Members always keenly interested in
personal matters. Heard with pleasure
statement which E. M'NEiLL was au
thorised to make about a slice of luck be-
fallen Sir HERBERT RAPHAEL. Eecently,
in burst of patriotism, he took the KING'S
shilling and was enrolled a full private
in the Army. Within a week his wife
found herself in receipt of the statu-
;ory Separation Allowance. Does not
amount to much, even in conjunction
with the £400 a year (less income tax)
received by Private RAPHAEL, M.P. It
will not compare with the takings of
the agent employed by the War Office
for purchasing timber. These, it was
made known in useful conversation on
motion for adjournment, are at the rate
of £60,000 a year. But we can't all
have dealings with the War Office.
With coal at current price a separation
allowance is not to be sneezed at.
Business done. — Report of Army Vote
and Civil Service Supplementary Esti-
mates agreed to. The work of several
sittings in ordinary times, they passed
like winking. At a quarter past six
House adjourned till Monday.
Another Chesterton Paradox.
"Mr. E. S. Mantagu (sic), Liberal, was on
Saturday re-elected for Chesterton Division of
Cambridgeshire, without opposition.
Mr. Cecil Beck (Liberal) was on Saturday
re-elected for Chesterton division of Cam-
bridgeshire without opposition.
Mr. Cecil Beck (Liberal) was ajso returned
without opposition for Saffron Waldon Divi-
sion of Essex." — Freeman's Journal.
A NOTE ON NURSES.
[Lines addressed to a friend who, on hearing
that the writer was in a military hospital and
"very well looked after," unjustly pictured
him as surrounded by devoted females.]
BELGIUM'S maids are sad and sweet ;
France's maids are passing fair ;
England's — well, I can't repeat
All I wrote when living there;
These are rivals now to tend
Stricken warriors, it is true ;
But I '11 have you note, my friend,
We have other nurses too.
Life that made their language rude
Hath endowed them none the less
With a child's solicitude
And a woman's tenderness;
Happy he whom fickle chance
Takes to have his pains allayed
By the 9th Field Ambulance,
Third Division, 9th Brigade.
Extract from a schoolboy's essay on
electricity : — -
" Doctors use it a lot for X-rays, which is a
very wonderful thing . . . They ars using
them a lot to find pullets in soldiers."
These must be the " eggs-rays."
|'I:I:KUAHY 2-1. 1913.] PUNCH, Oil TIIK LONDON CJIAUIVAKI.
155
SWtDISH DRILL.
First Weary "Special" to Second ditto. "I BAT, WHAT'S THE GOOD OF ALL THIS? WE'RE NOT AT WAB WITH SWEDES, ABB
A PLEA FOE REPE1EVE.
moved from the old West London Police
whk'li is K'iii'j demolished, the l;i-.t
;i dock in L-mdon has ju.t been con-
(I limed (or firewood. J
Goon Sirs, in your merciless dealings
With the dock that you doom to bo
burned,
Have you paused to consider the feel-
ings
Of the people most closely concerned ?
'Will the burglar feel angry or gracious
When, his liberty like to bo lopped,
Ho finds himself first in your spacious
New coop for the copped ?
\Y hut over his thoughts at that season,
This much I would dare to advance,
Ho would now have you show (within
reason)
A proper respsct for romance ;
Is it seemly a structure so rich in
Connections with Sikcs and bis mates
Should perish in parlour and kitchen,
Hero fodder for grates ?
If the dock 's for the burning, so be it ;
But sentiment wakes the desire
In my bosom (and Sikes's) to see it
Attain a more glorious pyre ;
Allot it an eminent station,
Since its life is commanded to cease,
As a part of some vast conflagration
To celebrate peace.
THE MENACE OF PEACE.
" THE War has done you good, you
know, Henry," said I, as he concluded
a brilliant forecast as to what was
really going to happen to HINDENBUBO.
" How ? " said the Eeverend Henry.
" I was pretty fit before."
" 1 tuuan morally. These occasional
week-ends of ours have been much
more harmonious than they were six
months ago. You used to be such a
quarrelsome brute."
" It 's quite true," said Sinclair.
" You used to fuss horribly about the
Welsh Church and payment of Members,
and all those queer old things."
" 1 'm sorry," said the Eoverend
Henry, very humbly. " But you fellows
used to have such extreme views. And
at least I was always out for a big
Navy, you know."
" As for the House of Commons,"
said Sinclair, "the atmosphere of gentle-
manly acquiescence that pervades that
assembly in these days is most refresh-
ing. For success in debate you only
seem to require a repertoire of three
remarks — ' After you, Sir,' ' My mistake'
and ' Don't mention it.' "
" The really ghastly thing," said the
Eeverend Henry, " is that as soon as
the War is over they will bo at it
again. This is all very jolly while it
lasts, they say in effect, but of course
we reserve to ourselves the absolute
right to begin all over again exactly
where wo left off. It is understood
that no one need forego "
"Yes, that's it," said I. "The
great point is not to forego. As far as
I remember— it is all so long ago —
they left off at the stage where they
were chucking things at one another."
" You don't mean that it will really
break out again ? " said Sinclair in a
voice of horror. " Just as it was
before? "
' Just like that," said Henry.
' Not Plural Voting?"
' Yes," said Henry.
•But not Tariff Eeform and Tbo
Foreigner's Got My Job and all that ? "
' Yes," said Henry.
'But hang it, man, you don't msan
L66
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEKHUARY 24, 1915.
Devolution and Exclusion, and tho Ser-
vant Stamp, and Nim-penco for Four-
pence, and -"
" Yes," said Henry. " And all the
Constitutional Lawbreakers and Con-
scientious Jir^Utcrs and Passive Ob-
will bob up again."
We looked at each other in dismaj
"And they call it," said Sincla
drearily, " a War of Liberty! "
THE LOMELY SOLDIER.
DARLING DKLIA, — I am in tho mos
lacerating fix, and it all comes of m
tender heart 1
It gets an one's nerves saying good
bye to tho boys, and sitting at horn
doing nothing oneself. For weeks 1 'v
been longing for something to do, ant
at last Lady Anne asked mo to join
the " Lonely Soldiers' Consolation
League," and of course I jumped. The
Lonely Soldiers send in their names
and they are put in a hat and handee
round, and each member writes to he
special Lonely once a week, and send;
him a parcsl once a month.
I haven't come to tho parcel stage
but I sent a gushing letter. It wai
just after the last attack, when they \
been for days in the trenches, and theii
poor dear boots had stuck fast in the
mud, and one was strung up to feeling
that we 'd love them, bless them, Ids
them, when they came home again
I said so to Ted Johnson (that 's my
Lonely), quoting the refrain of the song
in tho actual words; I said he must
never feel lonely or forgotten, for 1
remembered him, / thought of him, 7
looked forward to his return !
What else could one say ? You write
to them because they are lonely, and if
they are lonely you can only cheer
them by saying that you remember !
I spread myself upon Ted Johnson
And in due time his answer came
Prestwick brought it in with tho tea-
things (we have had up footman since
the last Jeames enlisted), and I tore it
open, and read it aloud to Ella, too
eager to wait even until we were alone.
Besides I was rather proud that Prest-
wick should see that I 've been workin"
too.
This was the letter : —
' -l)i:ui Miss,— I was glad to hear
you missed me and was looking forward
to my return. It 's a long way to Eaton
Gardens and tho sweetest girl I know.
We are having a deal of ra:n. With
fond love from Yours truly,
Private TI:D JOHNSON."
- I low perfectly dinki?.!" Hlla said
• Isn't he sweet ? Isn't he brave ? Isn't
he c)uerful / Wouldn't you love to see
urn, Flora, and know him in real life ?
Then Prestwick spoke. He was
standing with tho tea-tray in his hand,
staring across tho room.
" Pardon me, Madam," he said, " you
have seen him ! Ted Johnson was our
last footman ! "
Oh, my Delia ! before you correspond
with a Lonely Soldier, bo warned by
me and make sure wlio he is ! I have
engaged to kiss Jeamos on his return ;
he has sent mo his fond love ; and
Father has promised to take him back 1
Your distracted FLORA.
THE MARTYR.
THE HYMN OF EIGHT.
EIGHT o'clock is tho hour I hate,
For it knocks all fun on the head
It 's no use telling them, not a bit,
That you don't feel tired, for they laug
at it;
And Nurse comes in, looking just lik
Fate—
" Tut 1 tut ! " she says, " but it 's ter
ribly late ;
It 's time you were all in bed."
Eight o'clock ! how the hands draw
near !
Nothing will make them slow.
Although in the midst of a beautifu
game
We have to stop (what a horrible
shame !)
When Nurse conies in with her glance
severe,
And her talk of "Tho Dustman'
being here,
And into the cold we go.
Now when I 'm a man and have
nothing but fun
(As the grown-ups always do)
won't have a nurse in a starchy cap
To interfere with my children's "snap,"
And I won't have a clock in the house,
not one,
But we '11 aR sit tight till our games
are done,
And not go to heel till two.
On the High C.
'•The singing at sight, without search or
ney, of merchant ships by submarine
gency is a totally novel and unprecedented
eparture."— Western Morning Ncics.
Usually, of course, they take a little
ractice before they give these vocal
erformances.
Mr. Herbert Samuel, President of the
oard of Trade, has appointed a Committee to
onsider the important question of employ-
lent for soldiers and sailors in the war."
/>„,!,, Telegraph.
Ve understand that Sir JOHN FRENCH
nd Admiral JELLICOE are venturing to
1 suggestions and are willing them-
elves to find employment for quite a
amber.
"Axn now," I said, when the nice
question of food had been carefully
settled, "what about drink?" and I
called for the wine list. " What shall
it be, red or white?" I ran my eye
down the clarets.
" No," said my old friend sadly,
none for mo. I am having to be very
careful. Just water."
I looked at him in astonishment.
I had known him for nearly two-and-
twenty years and never in that timo
had ho set up an attitude of hostility
to any of the good things of tho earth,
solid or fluid. Not that I had ever
known him to overstep the bounds ;
but he had tasted and enjoyed, and
flourished on his catholicity. And now
to have declined upon water, or dry
ginger ale, which was the joyless alter-
native that he subsequently proposed.
I looked at him in pity too, for I
knew that he must bo ill indeed for
such a sacrifice to have been forced
upon him.
" Yes," he said, "I am dieting myself.
I find it necessary." He sighed as
one sighs who accepts the distasteful
inevitable.
Well," I said, "I won't tempt you.
That 's not fair."
He looked at me almost as though
he wished that I would, and that he
might prove vulnerable; but I did not.
[ felt too sorry for him and his plight
;o put any obstacle in the way of
recovery.
" Very well," I said and ordered the
linger alo, and wo then settled down to
;alk. But all the while I was watching
lim sympathetically and remembering
)leasant occasions on which I had been
ns guest in his own house and he had
dived into the cellar and complacently
emerged in the blossed company of
jottles — bottles white and bottles red,
uid, even on special nights of ceremony,
)ottles bearing the light-brown label
Df The Widow. ("Butler's Analogy"
vas bis description of himself on those
Dccasions.) Such evenings I remem-
jered, together with other convivial
neetings at clubs and restaurants,
vhero the juices of the grape had
cen carefully put to their predestined
riemlly uses; and now here he was,
n tho slang of tho day, firmly and
olefully seated on the water wagon.
Poor chap ! poor chap ! I thought ;
vhat a time he has been having! and
hen —
" How long have you been a lee-
otaler?" I asked him, with a vista
f dreary months in my mind.
" Oh, I only began it this morning,"
o said. "1 had rather a heavy day
esterday."
I.-E.IIHJARY 24. 19K-.1 IM'NCII. <M{ TIIH LONDON ( 'I I A If I V A II I.
157
Aunt. "So YOUR FATHER'S GOING TO BE A SOLDIER?"
Elder Boy. " WELL, YOU SEE, ONE OF os HAD TO
FROM THE BACK OF THE FRONT.
SOME people say that the authorities
have at last come to understand our
true merits ; some people say that they
have como to despair of us as private
soldiers. Some even identify the two
allegations, llowbeit, from whatsoever
cause, certain of us are in imminent
danger of losing our private status.
We are assembled together by com-
panies and instructed in the arts of
inspecting water - bottles, tolling the
time on starless nights by radium-
pointed watches, and in all practical
and taciical usages that fall to the lot
of a platoon-comn.ander. In duo course
we shall pass out and take tlio war into
our own hands ; pending which we
meditate on our future responsibilities.
Private Ingleby lives abstracted days
wondering whether a machine-gun
oM'.c ,-r may without offence wear puce-
coloured riding-breeches, while Edward
spends sleepless nights theorising on
his procedure if unexpectedly put in
charge of a brigade.
Our course of training is rapid and
comprehensive ; nor are we vowed only
to destruction. We think nothing, for
instance, of building a bridge between
breakfast and lunch, though of course
we'd think a whole heap before tread-
ing on it. We are here to risk our
Jives, but not to throw them upon
the waters.
No secret of military art is hidden
from us ; not one of us but can
conduct a grand attack on his little
own, and that without losing as much
as a platoon. Watch General Private
Williamson exercising his brief author-
ity over his skeleton battalion. We
arrive at the kick-olT site. The General
halts us, breaks us off, and begins his
preliminary reconnaissance. In the far
distance loom the twin flags repre-
senting enemy's position — an indica-
tion, we regret to report, frequently
neglected by the Bosches. A lesser man
than Private Williamson might imme-
diately plump forward line upon lino
of extended platoons. Pas si vita.
What is the lirst question our General
asks himself — or anyone else present ?
He enquires the whereabouts of the
nearest estaminet. Seated over his
coffee bo conducts, with the assistance
of his staff (the attacking force), the
preliminary reconnaissance. First of
all we touch lightly on the proximity
of the enemy. The General puts it at
2,000 yards ; the chief of staff at 800.
That makes it, by a simple mathe-
matical compromise, 1,400; which gives
you your range chart, without which
no attack is quite itself.
But the work of the General does not
end here. The land must bo spied out;
the country which we are — for some
obscure reason — fighting for is one-half
lake and one-half swamp. Accordingly,
as the attack has to have clean boots
on parade next day, scouts go forward
to select the most land-like portions of
the morass. Then at last we advance,
and with only an occasional halt for
coffee — this depending on the number
of farms en route — wo sweep on to the
rallying position, where we sit down
nonchalantly in a hail of bullets and
discuss a haversack ration while a real
otticor tells us how. His telling is
competence itself, except in one respect ;
he never makes sufficient allowance for
coileo. No one 1ms told liim that the
arms of our service battalion are an
cgtamin»t coitchant in a field sodden.
Anon we study billeting. There is in
the North of Francs a crazy old farm-
house full of tumultuous children and
their mother. It has, I believe, been
condemned as a billet by all the sanitary
authorities in France. The accommo-
dation is an antique barn with a leaky
roof above, a cesspool underneath, and
the four winds of heaven raging hot ween.
We visit by parties. The party arrives
at the farmhouse and knocks timidly.
The door sways open, and four or so
children hurl themselves upon the
leader's .puttees, demanding souvenirs.
Madame appears capaciously from a
cookery-pervaded interior.
"What is it that it is?"
Has she, we ask, place for some
soldiers?
" But yes," says Madame (contrary
to the custom, but she knows well how
safe she is). "See you 1 It is by here!'
Wo go by there and see, while
Madame tells us of her sons at the
war — only five, fortunately — their
names, ranks, localities, ages, and
prospects. We appreciate; we admire;
and, when her vocabulary, even at the
killing pace she subjects it to, outlasts
ours, we fall back on sympathetic
grunts that sound as if we were
learning German or sickening for
diphtheria. Arrived at the barn we
murk and measure duly, and find to our
surprise that it would still— as on our
last visit— hold sixty-four men if it
would hold any (without chains wo fear
it wouldn't). Then we relieve the lady
by assuring her that we already have
the offer of an even better billet else-
where; and she beams more maternally
than ever and announces that coffee is
now served ; and we for our part
realize that even War has its beautiful
moments.
Smart Staff Work.
The following Divisional Order
gives us some idea of the rapidity of
movement of the Staff of our New
Armies: —
" Divisional Headquarters will move on the
20th. The Divisional Office will close at
Cholderton at 12 noon that day and open at
HUckdown Barracks at the same hour."
Fifty miles in no time!
THE WAR CURE.
WHEN, summoned by untimely Fate,
Ralph Snow died suddenly at Luxor,
I "jcaving his Warwickshire estate,
His house and placens nxor ;
His son, though handsomely endowed—
Chiefly throtigl
City-
ground rents in the
as
Journalistic Candour.
" SPEND 5/- TO DO WHAT rr COSTS THE
GKKMANS THOUSANDS.
The Germans arc spending thousands of
pounds on the prosecution of a campaign of
falsehoods in our Colonies and abroad. If
you will send us 5s. we will arrange to post
for three months to any address in Canadi
the Overseas Edition of the D.ui.v SKI.TCH."
Adrt. in" Manchester Krening Chronicle."
And envied by the heedless crowd,
Moved all his friends to pity.
Young Ralph had brains as well
wealth ;
He was unusually gifted ;
But on the score of fragile health
From school to school was shifted;
And having taken his degree,
And then become a vegetarian,
Ho was, for all the world to see,
A valetudinarian.
Racked by imaginary pain
Ralph threw away his social chances,
And stayed at home to study QUAIN.
Instead of going out to dances,
Until, so pailous grew his plight,
He saw in healthy yawns and sneezes
Proof positive of several quite
Incurable diseases.
His heart's peculiar action moved
The doctor's keen commiseration
His brain— or so that worthy proved —
" Worked like a railway station; "
I cannot properly recall
. The strange shortcomings of his liver,
Whether it was too large or small —
I know it made me shiver.
The doctor took a solemn oath
No board would certify his fitness ;
His mother was extremely loth
To doubt such welcome witness ;
But Ralph, already in whose ears
His country's clarion call was pealing
Forgot his symptoms and his fears,
For War had brought him healing.
In boyhood, ere he came to yield
To pathologic introspection,
His tastes and interests revealed
A martial predilection;
And when his fellows, to a man,
Whate'er their class or creed or
faction,
Had volunteered, lie cursed the ban
That doomed him to inaction.
Some said, " At least the boy is safe ;
But that, I thought, was comfort
chilly,
When lo ! I met a radiant Ralph
Last week in Piccadilly ;
So gay his look, so light his tread,
He almost baffled recognition;
" What cheer ? " I asked. " The best,
he said ;
"I'm promised a commission!
" Our doctor was a ghastly fraud ;
Throe specialists have overhauled m
And say that 1 can servo abroad —
A 'first-class life' they called me;
he mater's wonderfully brave,
And, now that i can stand the racket,
he'd sooner see me in my grave
Than stay at home and slack it."
he object of those humble rhymes
Is not to slight a great profession;
he best of doctors err at times
From 'overmuch discretion;
only wished to make it plain
That war's inhuman brutal medley
lay work a cure and ease a pain.
When peace has mado it deadly.
A BREAD-AND-BUTTER POSTCARD.
DEAR MB. PUNCH, — Might not the
xcellent idea of the Field Service Post-
ard be more extensively used? I
vould suggest the following as likely
o fulfil a long-felt want of the Week-
ncl visitor. Yours truly,
ONE WHS LIKES THINGS
DONE FOR HIM.
[NOTHING is to be written on this except
the date and the signature of the sender.
Words not required may be er.ised. //
anything is added the postcard will be
destroyed,']
T ., fwell.
I am quite {.jj
I have arrived safely.
1 have lost my luggage.
I first opportunity,
next month,
next year,
never.
/-my tooth brush.
T . , ,, I my hot - water.
I have loft
behind]
Signature only —
Date —
my umbrella,
uiy knitting.
More Impending Apologies.
"The postponement of his Excellency's
departure, owing most probably to the sUito of
the weather, has caused great disappoint-
ment."— Limerick Chronicle.
"Great enthusiasm was manifested at
Dublin on the occasion of the departure of
Lord and Lady Aberdeen." — Scotsman.
An Adaptable Fruit.
" PiNEA-prLE (WHOLE).
Per largo tin 0/8J ; 6 tins 4/2 ; doz. 8/3
When sliced, these Pines make delicious
Apple Fritters."— Stores' Catalogue.
" One cannot altogether repjret having trod-
den on a hornets' nest, for the reason that
the hornets themselves have raised so many
interesting new points."
Manchester Guardian.
It is a little way hornets have, but
their points are not often taken so
philosophically.
24, 1910.] PUNCIf, OR THK LONDON ('IIAIIIVAKr.
1.59
A NAVAL OCCASION.
AWFUL EFFECT ON AH ENTIBB SHIP'S COMPAJfT OP DISTaiBUTIHO A CONSIGNMENT OP M058TEB PEPPERMINT-BALLS — A PRESENT FROM
TUB S11OBE.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.}
IT came as something of a shock to me to find that tho
title of Mrs. ALFRED SIDGWICK'S latest novel was In Other
Days (MKTHUEN). Because 1 have always regarded her as
the historian essentially of the present, and a name like
that might cover any age from powder and farthingales to
\vo;ul and haUleaxes. However, to spare you my alarm, I
will explain at once that the "other days" are those that
ended in July of last year. So, as most of us have at least
a iHtn memory of that placid time, and as all will enjoy
heing pleasantly reminded of it, there is no cause for
anxiety, in Other Days is to some extent tho story of a
black shoep, who obstinately refuses to point any kind of
moral. Perhaps this is what makes it so human and
generally comfortable. Simeon Cloudcsley was an artist
who deserted his wife and daughter, leaving them to find a
refuge in tho dreary homa of some pompous in-laws.
When tho daughter was seventeen a visit to a school-friend
opened her eyes to the fact that Ufa contained happier
places than hoi- present abode, so sho stirred her mother to
revolt, and o'.l went tho pair of them to live on a tiny
income in a Cornish artist colony. Which would have
boon all very well, for tho colony was a delicious place, and
full of just those delightful people whom Mrs. SIDGWK-K
can describe so attractively ; but the trouble was that the
colonists, being artists first and moralists afterwards, all
simply worshipped the name of Simeon Cloudesley ; and
when that wicked man himself subsequently turned up, not
only undeniably great but exasperatingly charming — well,
you see what a difficult situation was created, above all
for his violently disapproving daughter. Mrs. SIDOWICK
deserves thanks not only for having written a pleasant and:
companionable story, but for a very original handling of
an ancient theme. See if you do not think to.
Had I to go forth into the appallingly cold and blight-
ingly- windy parts of the world, 1 should without hesitation
select Sir DOUGLAS MAWBON as my leader; and this not
only because in The Home of the Blizzard (HEINEMANN) he
proves himself possessed of the qualities that invite con-
fidence and affection, but also because I remember vividly
the genius for leadership tbat bo showed — and to which
Professor DAVID testified — in the journey to the South
Magnetic Polo during the SHACKLETON Expedition of 1907-9.
A few months after his return he was possessed with the
. idea of exploring the region, his " land of hope and glory,"
that lies between Cape Adare and Gaussberg ; and now he
I gives us the story of the Australasian Expedition of 1911-14.
To everyone concerned in the making of the bistoi'y tbat is
: set forth in these two volumes the warmest praise must bo
' given, but it will still fall short of their due. In every
, instance tho leader of this band of young men \vas well
160
ITNCir, 01! TIIK LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEUKUAHY 24, 1915.
served, and although the talo of closest interest and most
thrilling tragedy is reserved— as Fate willed it — for the
leader himself, there is not one of his party who does not
deserve his share of the honours gained. As everyone
worth exploring. In The Book of Sussex Verse, whicl
the Ho VK firm of Cambridge has put forth with a taste
and comeliness that Metropolitan publishers might envy
Mr. C. F. COOK has brought together as large and oxcellen
knows — or ought to know - MAWSON, with one of his sledge- j a collection of patriotic enthusiasm as any county couk
produce. Among the poets who have rejoiced to praise
Sussex are pre-eminently TENNYSON, SWINBURNE, FKANCIS
THOMPSON, Mr. BELLOC, whose " Envoi " to the volume ib
one of the most beautiful of recent lyrics, and Mr. KIPLING
who chose the land of the South Saxons for his Englisl
homo, first by the sea and then inland. Among Mr. COOK'S
discoveries is a charming, topographical, familiar epistle
written by WILLIAM STEWART ROSE to JOHN HOOKHAM
FRERE, then in Malta. It is a pity that the notes take no
account of ROSE, of whom one would like to know more.
Men of the type of SCOTT, WILSON, The only song that I miss is that complacent ditty which
DATES, BOWERS and MAWSON have kept the pure flame i every soldier in Brighton, Shoreham, Seaford and else-
of heroism still burning, and not even beside the great | where in the county is now singing, "Sussex by the Sea";
deeds of our soldiers and sailors can the splendour of | but that is not Mr. COOK'S fault, for it was prepared, foi
military purposes, only
the other clay.
companions, Lieutenant NINMS, killed in a crevasse, and
the other. Dr. Mi.ur/. dead from sheer exhaustion, was left
to battle alone for over three weeks against every con-
ceivable shape of ill-fortune. No one can read of this
struggle without being amazed at the courage of man's
heart and saluting it with reverent homage. One is im-
pressed almost overwhelmingly, but one is also inspired
and invigorated, and this is the reason — quite apart from
the valuable scientific discoveries made on these expeditions
— why we owe a greater debt to such pioneers than we
can ever repay.
their uecord be paled.
If you hanker for an
agreeable fairy tale, about
frankly improbable per-
sons in a setting of
tropic splendour, where
spicy breezes blow soft
o'er mango groves, and |
trenches cease from'
troubling, then Flower of \
the Moon (MILLS AND j
BOON) is the goods for !
your money. What hap- j
pens in it was mainly t
the fault of a wandering
tale-teller named Uhtoo, \
who had a pet story !
about a mythical maiden j
of rare beauty, the off- '
spring of the mango
and the moon. This j
Uhtoo must, as they I
say, have been some '
teller, because, having
given bis recitation to an Arab youth and an English
officer, ho left them both with no other passion in life than
to prove the affair. I am only sorry that LOUISE GEKAKD
failed to engender in me a like passion. Perhaps it was
because of the name of the English officer: call a hero
Carlyon, and my interest in him is dead at birth. Anyhow,
Captain (addressing team) . "Now, MIND YOU SPREAD YOURSELVES, 'cos
FIGHTIN' IN CLOSE FORMATION AGAINST A 'EAVIEB FOBCE is BOUND TER
LEAD TEH UTTER DEFEAT."
was
11 /in.:,, the Arab boy, had the first of the luck, since It .,«,
who found the shipwrecked English maid sleeping be-
neath the mango and took her to his homo. From the first
I was exceedingly sorry for Whazi. True, he had not my
own blighting experience of similar situations in fiction
which warned me that, with golden-haired Carlyon in
reserve, poor Whazi hadn't an earthly— as indeed it turned
But, though I laugh, there is enough real beauty in this
episode of the boy lover to compel the sympathetic si»h
And, as in the writer's other work, a feeling for the heat
and scent of the tropics stirs in these pages and saves them
from becoming too obvious and commonplace.
To the majority of people Sussex is the county through
which the London, Brighton and South Coast Railway runs
-i way to Brighton, Eastbourne, Littlehampton and
lorlsmotith. For every traveller who alights at wayside
lions, thousands are carried to the watering-places and
there, never leave the sea; but no county is so well
I heartily approve of
| Makers of New France
j (MILLS AND BOON). New
! France is a thing I should
[ very much like to have
| made myself. But I have
reluctantly come to the
conclusion that those
who had the job were
better men ; for instance,
POINCARE, JOFFRE, DEL-
CASSE, tho late JAI:I:US,
METCHNIKOFF, ANATOLI?
FRANCE, BRIEUX and
Madame PAQUIN appear
from Mr. CHARLES DAW-
BARN'S personal descrip-
tions to have a very
definite something in
common, which 1 sup-
pose is French and cer-
tainly is not English.
The circumstances of the moment make it possible for an
Anglo-Saxon to confess that here, at any rate, we are their
inferiors. I leave the reader to discover "for himself, since I
cannot describe it, what this characteristic is; the author
succeeds admirably in conveying the impression of it. Inci-
dentally he loaves us wondering how England can ever have
fought with Germany against France, even the old France.
Experience does not teach me to look forward verv hope-
fully to a novel " by a well-known author who wishes to
remain anonymous." They Who Question (SMITH, ELDER)
is an incoherent and in many ways a tiresome book ; and,
seeing that it faces the eternal problem of the reconciliation
of unmerited suffering with Divine compassion and justice,
it is of necessity irremediably inconclusive. .But it contains
one well-conceived and capably drawn character, liter-
Brethcrlon, tho hard, cynical, ultra-maternal mother of the
boy who is doomed to the heritage of his father's insanity.
The vaguely unorthodox Dean of Maliuchcslcr, who alone
seems left to. uphold the hopeful view in f aca of the successive
shattering strokes of fate, talks and preaches with sympathy
and discretion. There is sincerity behind this hook, hardly
reinforced by any very clear or stiff thinking, the truth
being that tho thesis is beyond the scope of circulating
library treatment.
MARCH 3, 1915.J
IM'NCir, OK. TIIK LONI><>.\ CHABIVAM.
1G1
from
Aberdeen firms of herring exporters
CHARIVARIA.
IT is officially announced
Iviiiigsborg that, tho Kasl, Prussian grad, riit Norway, if proof is sup.
liave l>oon told \>\ the. Admiral y t.li:it
they ni:iy send cured herrings to !
district of Sensburg, Insterburg, and later that the
Heydekrug in now reopened for the i cached Russia.
ivtuni of Hast, .Prussian fugil
consignments have
A caul ions Irishman
suggests tliat tho proof ought to ho
Some of tho kss sanguine of thorn arc supplied h.'foro tho fish leave Aberdeen.
reported to ho taking season tickets.
Tho leader of tho National Liberal
Tho War Office lias refused to accept
tlie view of the Birmingham Chamber
Party in tho Prussian Diet, speaking of Commerce that HORACK GEE, of Ked-
on tho subject of the invasion, said ditch, is indispensable to the boot trade,
that tho Russians had proved to he and lie is to remain in the Army. In
not a civilised European nation, but Germany, we suspect, this will bo taken
half Asiatic. Tho modern
Huns, on the other hand, have
proved to ho not an Asiatic
nation, but a lialf-civilisod
European one.
*...*
."If," says tho Kiilnische
/,1'itnmj, " wo are to breast
tho terrific \vavo of economic
depression that threatens to
helm the Fatherland, wo
must eat not only dillerently
but less." Those who hav
Germans eating will agn o that
there is ample scopo for reform
ia their methods.
The Deutsche Tageszcihintj,
in an article on the great food
question, cautions its readers
against tho use of starch in
their washing. There can, of
course, be no doubt that one of
tho most objectionable features
of, anyhow, tho German olficial
classes, is tho amount of starch
which lias entered into their
composition. ...
Router informs us that a
Turkish paper, in its account
of the fighting at Korna, calls
the British vessels " gum-
boats." Presumably because
they know how to stick it.
Viscount BUYCK, in a lecture at
King's College, gavo currency to a
theory that KINO DAVID had German
blood in his veins, Tho idea has been
welcomed in Germany, \\hore the hope
is expressed that tho distinguished
monarch will in future be referred to
U K \ISI:K DAVID.
Wo do hopo that Liverpool is not
finding the intluenco of Germany irre-
!e, but frankly the Teutonic con-
struction of the following sentence in
The. I l-'.cho frightens us: "A
large firm of motor manufacturers
operating until its fall at Antwerp lias
decided to immediately at Letchworth
Garden City recommence operations."
j\v been permitted by the Minister
of Trade and Customs. There is, of
course, an unwritten understanding
that it shall ha used for giving the
Germans a hiding.
Tho Ritz and Carlton Hotels ad vert HO
that their stalls now consist solely of
British, French, "and other neutral sub-
jects." This insinuation that our coun-
try and Franco are indifl'orent totho War
will, wo feel sure, bo resented, and tho
Ritz and C^rlton Hotels had better try
again.
Congratulations to Baden.
"Prince Joachim tho youngest
son of th.i Kaiser who has i> on suf
faring from dysentery and influenza
j I: u undergone a fortnight's euro at
' 15j»don and linden is now convales-
cent."— /T«Ji<7rt Daily TeUyraph.
Not every town visited by a
llohenzollorn Prince gets off
so easily.
Youngster (wlto has just related tall war-story). " I KNOW IT 'B
TIIUE, 'cos BASIL SAID BO, AND HIS FATHER 's AT TUB WAB
OFFICE, WBKUK TIIKV MAKK ALL THE NEWSPAPEHS."
"Under Which King,
Bezonian ? "
"Anton Lang, the peasant who
took the part of Christus in tho last
Ubjr.iinmcrgau pliy, has joined thu
new corps of soidiers on skis which
the Gorman-; have formed to fight
tin French in tho Vosjjrs."
Daily .Express.
"Anton Tjang, the pcnwnt who
p'ayod the part of Chnstus in tho
List Ober-Ainmergiu pa sum play,
is now fighting on skis for Franco
in the Vosgcs.' — Daily Sketch.
We gather that LANG is in de-
mand as a ski-pilot, but is very
properly making an effort to
preserve bis neutrality.
'.'Wo have tested the battle
cruisers' buns against tho Dardan-
elles forts at long range."
Dublin Evening Mail.
On the homoeopathic princi-
ple, no doubt. The currents
of the Dardanelles are notori-
to show that our Army is suffering from
a shortage of remoutits.
The newspapers are tolling us of a
certain young private at the Front who
has tho most marvellous capacity for
sleeping at any time, even under shell
fire. Tho explanation, no doubt, is
that, when at home, his bedroom faced
a motor-bus route.
ously dangerous.
A Sheffield invention now makes it ; the babies,
possible, we are told, to produce stain-
less knives. It is thought that there
will bo a large demand for these among
The Air-Raid over Colchester.
" Tho bomb buried itself in tho garden of a
house in Butt-road. Tho furniture in tho
back room of the house was smashed, and tho
\\nl.\vi of six neighbouring honors were
shattered." — Bciirneinonth Daily Echo.
Shattered, but not killed, for the notice
is headed " No Lives Lost." In
j Colchester the widows arc as tough as
intending murderers,
From Melbourne comes the news that
the export of leather to Great Britain
CURSING.
WATKULOO Cur MEETING.
Tho Favourite Dufeatod."
I^eiccster Daily Mercury.
Disappointed backers are almost bound
to use language sometimes.
10-2
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI^
[MARCH 3, 191 o.
MR. PUNCH'S SUPPLEMENT.
In the issue of this week Mr. Punch has the honour
to offer to his readers a selection of his pictures illus-
trating the history of our Voluntary Army from its mid-
Victorian origin to the present day. The harmless and
friendly chaff in which he has permitted himself to
indulge when recording the trials which this Army has
so gallantly faced and overcome will not be misunder-
stood. The fine example which our Territorials have set,
both at home and abroad, to the slacker and the shirker
has been duly recorded in Mr. Punch's pages. For the
rest — the lighter side of a serious loyalty— he has not
much fear for a country which almost alone among
nations can afford to laugh at its own foibles. And as
the soldiers of our Voluntary Forces pass out to the
Front it is in a spirit of high confidence and pride that
he wishes them Godspeed and a great reward of their
sacrifice ; not forgetting those who, being past the age for
foreign service, have volunteered to bear arms for the
defence of our shores.
THE SORROWS OF THE SULTAN.
BOKXE on the~ breezes of the West-Sou'- West,
What are these sounds one hears
That break upon my post-meridian rest,
And, falling on the ears
Of my beloved ladies of the harem,
Scare 'em ?
I tell my people 'tis the conquering Huns
That let off fires' of joy ; •
But I know better; they are British guns,
Intended to destroy
The peace I suck from my narcotic hubble-
bubble.
How can I cope with these accursed giaours
If once my forts give out ?
I miss the usual Concert of the Powers,
I have no ships about,
Save where the ten-knot Goeben, crocked with bruises,
Cruises.
O how I loathe that vessel ! How her name
Stinks in my quivering nose,
Since that infernal juncture when she canio
Flying before her foes,
And in my haven dropped her boastly anchor
(Blank her!).
AHIJUL! I would that I had shared your plight,
Or Europe seen my heels,
Before the hour when Allah bound me tight
To WILLIAM'S chariot-wheels!
Before, in fact, our two ways, mine and his, met.
Kismet ! O. S.
POULTRY AND THE WAR.
" WHAT Sees this mean ? " I asked, hastily withdrawing
my spoon from the egg on my plate.
"It means," said Ililda, "that ours won't lay, and I
had to go to the grocer's. T asked Mr. Thompson if it
was new-laid, and he answered me that it was fresh in
yesterday."
" What," said I, " does Mr. Thompson's electric bell
<lo -when you place your foot on the board immediately
inside his door ? "
"It rings."
"Quite so, and that is what Mr. Thompson does. His
fresh in yesterday ' is a purely automatic response to a
certain stimulus. lie has in fact, never owned, nor is
it possible for him to own, an egg that was not fresh in
yesterday."
•' 1 shall speak to him severely," said my wife.
" My dear," I answered, " years and years and years
ago, before wo were married, before this bouse was built,
before you wore promoted to pinafores and when Mr.
CHURCHILL and I wore running about in sailor suits, people
were speaking severely to Mr. Thompson ; and they have
uoen doing it ever since. Mo, there is only one way of
getting the really reliable article. Our lions must lay. Jf
ihey won't, we must make them. I will interview Christine."
Christine is our oldest ben. Wo have always looked to
:ier to set the tone of our establishment, and her iniluence
has on the whole been good.
" Somehow Christine seems to have changed lately,"
said my wife. "She has never been quite the same since
her last brood of ducklings. You remember her trying to
swim the pond, and our having to bring her round by
artificial respiration? "
" You think that affected her ? "
" Yes, it certainly shook her nerve. And I believe the
War lias been upsetting her lately."
" I suppose," I said thoughtfully, " that, if by any chance
we were invaded, things would be rather awkward for the
ben community of the Eastern Counties. The only
accommodation we could provide for them would bo
internal, so to speak."
" Exactly ; that is what Christine feels."
After breakfast I strolled round to the hen-roost-. Its
occupants were scattered about outside, engaged in their
daily exhaustive examination of the ground adjoining their
domicile. It struck me. however, that they looked, if any-
thing, a trifle more absent-minded, than .usual. Christine
stood apart from the rest by the water pan. She eyed me
gloomily as I approached.
My intention had been to be extremely blunt with her, to
express my pained surprise that she and her companions
were not playing the game, and to remind her forcibly that
the motio of every patriotic British hen in the present crisis
was "eggs as usual." But as I marked her dejected
attitude I doubted if such a course would prove effective.
Besides, it has always been repugnant to me to deal harshly
with the softer sex. So I bethought me of a better way.
Standing squarely in front of her 1 said, in a clear, distinct
voice, "It is rumoured from a trustworthy source that the
KAISER is a prisoner at La Bassee." Then I turned and
left her.
" Any news from the run ? " I asked my wife on my
return from Town. She smiled joyously. " There were
ten eggs this afternoon." This was pretty good for six brace
of bens. On the next evening there were eleven eggs, and
on the next twelve. My wife was immensely pleased, but,
after all, a household of four persons does not require a dozen
eggs a day. There should 1)6 moderation in all things. Ifc
occurred to me, too, that such an excess of enthusiasm on
the part of our friends, if allowed to continue unchecked,
would probably overtax their energies, 'ihat night, before
retiring to rest, I put my head inside the hen-roost and said,
"The Russians have evacuated East Prussia. Official."
On the following day we had eight eggs.
Since that date, though the general trend of the war has
been favourable, the Allies have suffered one or two minor
reverses, and on one occasion there was a hint of trouble
in Bulgaria. Still, on the whole, things are going satis-
factorily. Our average in eggs has been 7-5 a day.
PUNCH, OK Till-; LONDON CI1AKI VAKI. - MAK. n :), 1'Ji:,.
-,
THE BREAD-WINNER,
MAKCH 3, 1915.]
PUNCH, Oil TIIK LONDON CHAKIVABL
165
FIRST CAUSES.
SCENE. — A very primitive seaside place.
Ancient and Philosophic Mariner. "Ar, AY. THIS WAR HAS COME ON us FOB OCB VANITV. BABYLON FELL FOB ITS VANITY. AHD
THMIE NKVEB WAS AS MUCK VANITV IN BABYLON AS THERE WAS IN POBT MuOQLESBY LAST SUMMER."
AT THE BACK OF THE FRONT.
WHEN you are in the throes of War
the greab thing is to eat like a horse.
Organisation is the keynote of efficient
eating; henco our Mess. We are seven,
and take turns at the duties of Mess
orderly. When we get into a town,
even horses aren't in it with us — for
one thing they don't billet horses in
towns much. But wo have our failures.
Witness our stay at Grande Choupe.
(Note to Censor. — This name does not
exist).
Grande Choupe is a town of no mean
aspirations. It can sell you wine and
vinegar under the same name. We
went there for a seven days' rest, and
the cooks promised roast meat nightly.
Wilmot was Mess orderly the first
day; lie got wine and prunes and hot
fried potatoes and other exotics. The
meat was a dream, but we had no salt.
We almost expelled Wilmot from the
Mess to got it ; but War has softened us,
and we forbore.
Bobbins was on next day; he bettered
Wilmot by finding a pot of Blunker's
Manchester Marmalade in an obscure
fpiccric — an achievement which so
impressed us that we all but forgave
him for forgetting the salt; hut some
hard things were said to Maynard, who
produced neither salt nor marmalade on
the third day.
On the fourth Whipplo alleged that
ho liiul bought salt and left it in the
shop; ho put on a great many airs
about it and seemed to expect a D.S.O.
His behaviour encouraged Decker to
make the same omission on the next
night.
Then came my turn. I made a knot
in my equipment the n'ght before, and
thought on the morrow -of nothing hut
salt until I met Warne of the North-
East Yorkshires. What with having
to salute Warne, and fixing up to feed
with his Mo?s, and swopping lies with
him, I somehow — well, anyhow, I was
quite glad afterwards 1 hadn't to dine
chcz nous.
Then came the seventh and last day,
with Dixon on duty. Dixon is one of
those thorough men. lie does his
shopping with little hits of paper.
Had Dixon been on earlier our stay
would have been a perfect oasis of salt.
Dixon went straight out after breakfast
and bought salt — a good deal of salt —
enough for anything between a battalion
and a brigade. We all came and
inspected it ; we boasted of it to the
rest of the section ; its fame spread to
the rest of the platoon. Tl>e rest of
the platoon lacks initiative ; it accepts
sallloss roasts in a spirit of dull acquies-
cence. We took pity on them and lent
them salt— as much as they wanted.
That night the cooks — thanks to tho
A.8.C., and to a great effort on the part
of our quartermaster — gave us a change,
boiled salt beef.
We never speak of salt in our Mess
uow.
Mere Shipping Precautions.
"Stories of the liner Orduna having flown
the American flag on tho List stage of her
voyage from America, were told by passengers
landing at Liverpool last night. . . .
When the Oruna arrived at the landing
stage the was not flying the American ll.in:
it was said the lowered it before entering tho
Mersey. . . .
Tho Onditra was not bearing her name in
the usual prominent places. "
Laily Dispatch.
We believe the above vet sal is leaving
Liverpool again in a few days as tho
Oilntiia, and returning from America
as the Ordiian. It is hoped that before
tho possible variations of tho name
| have been fully exhausted submarines
| will have ceased from troubling.
Report from Berlin : —
" Am BAID OK COLCHESTFJI.
Many thousands of natives destroyed
their beds."
166
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 3, 1915.
THE MAGIC WORD.
No ordeal in life so terrifies me as a
visit to the dentist.
1 do not claim any originality for
fooling. MO-.I. p Tsons liavo it,
anil writers for the Comic Press have
llourisheil on it for years. 1 mnvly
.' bere no! as a joke but as a
fact, ht'ca'ise everything that follows
depends upon it. 1 wish to say also
that, though everyone's teeth are mon:
sensitive than anyone el-e's, mv lee:h
are more >• ,:ill. Tlie slightest
1 am sure he ought not to be so he ilthy
and happy-looking as this fellow. Jle
relieved mo of my coat and hat and
showed mo into the waiting-room,
when: all the- illustrated papers of a
month or two ago are to be seen,
provided you can find them among the
heaps of yesteryear's.
1 was punctual, because, that is my
invariable habit. My dentist was late,
because that is his. It is indeed all den-
tists' invariable habit. What, 1 always
wonder, do they suppose wo should
think of them if they wore on time?
touch of metal upon them plunges me That they were not busy, probably ; for
into agony. that seems to bo the darkest disgrace
Bo much being premised, 1 pass cm! that the professional mind can imagine.
to tho tragic circumstance of a com- j They pull out the wrong tooth without
pulsory visit to the dentist last week I any compunction and consider a light
one enters ; and he prepared tho fata
chair and rattled among his weapons
witli all his customary gaiety. I though!
again of Sir KKNELM Dicm's fable, anc
" What's fun to you is death to mo,'
I murmured to myself as I took up
position and opened my mouth. Arid
as 1 did so I was only too conscious
that 1 was shaking; not purely from
fear but because two nights of tooth-
ache make one a jelly.
The examination began . . .
Now, at last, comes tho point of
this tedious narrative.
" Well," said the dentist, " you 're
in a pretty bad way, I can tell you.
Why they 've been going so quickly of
late I can't say, but you want patching
up in all directions. Two of the nerves
WHEN HE STARTED. AFTER A FEW WEEKS OF IT. THE RESULT.
THE EFFECT OF EECRDITING POSTERS ON AN IMPRESSIONABLE BILL-STICKER.
after two or three days of pain. The
appointment hung over me like a
well, you know what it is like, and I
went through all the usual preliminary
stages, only in my case they were
more distressing. The whole point of
this truthful history is to show by what
means I in the end conquered the flesh.
I reached the door, suddenly and
totally (as usual) free from pain, and,
overcoming the impulss to retreat,
pressed the bell with a reluctant and
trembling finger. The usual gigantic
footman opened the door — a man with
thirty-two of the soundest teeth in
Europe, and therefore the least sympa-
thetic sight to the eye.s at this moment.
Why my dentist keeps such a servant
I cannot imagine. And yet, on the
other hand, one would not choose as
janitor a poor creature with a swollen
cheek or his head in a bandage. 1 1
cannot say what the perfect dentist's '
footman should be like — I have no
time to bother about it just now — but '
apology obliterates the fault, but the
thought that someone might not think
them overworked breaks their hearts.
He was so late on this occasion that
I had time to look through a score of
papers and lose myself in the pictures
of the War. Illustrated papers being
not much in my line, 1 was peculiarly-
interested in these, and the privations
and triumphs, the heroisms and sacri-
fices of the great struggle took on a
new vividness, and more than ever I
wished myself younger so that I too
might join in the fray.
I was in the midst of these reflections
when the giant footman entered with
the dread summons, and I returned
with a jolt to my drab pacific existence
once more, and faltered behind him up
tho stairs with a beating heart. Absurd
to be so cowardly, and yet there it is.
My dentist greeted me with his usual
loathsome cheerfulness, although I
cannot say that 1 really want him
solemnly to assume the black cap as
are quite exposed." (My heart fell
three or four inches with a thud.) " It
will be a long and rather uncomfort-
able job, I 'm afraid." (It fell again,
for I know only too well what horrors
are contained m the word " uncomfort-
able" as used by a dentist.) "All I
can do to-day," he added, " is to drill
two or three of the worst of them."
I sat up. Drill ! Had I beard him
aright?
" Did you say drill ? " I asked.
"Yes," he replied. "Two or three
must be drilled at once."
My fears suddenly left me. I grew
firm and resolute, careless of pain ; for
I too, after all, was to be in the military
movement. At least my teeth were.
"FOOD SUPPLIES IN GERMANS.
PIGS EATING Too MUCH."
.'/'/«• ];'rcii!ii-f Times.
This seems rather a crude way of re-
ferring to the enemy's preference for a
liberal diet.
MARCH 3, 1915.]
PUNCH,
FRIGHTFULNESS.
Coombos Minor was sitting oti tlio
hot-water pipes nfter prop. Thoro is
no need to rush off to bed nowadays,
for Jasper, our beast of a house-prefect,
does companj drill in tlio gymnasium
every night. It is a wonderful tiling
that KITCHHNKU always picks out the
decent prefects for coins, and gives the
brutes a miss. We were just taking
it out of young Lopping for swank.
His brother is a casualty, so we were
rotting Lepping by saying (hair lie was
not wounded by a German sniper, but
kicked by a British anny-mulo wbon
ten miles from the trenches. All at
onco Coombes Minor broke in, " You
chaps don't take this war seriously
enough. Wo want to be frightful, like
the Germans." No doubt Coombos
would bave explained bis plan, but just
then young Lopping switched the light
oiT and threw inkpots.
However, Coombes began next morn-
ing when we went to old Giles. Old
Giles is one of those polite beasts who
always say "Good morning" when they
come into the class-room, and then
band out the punishments wholesale.
] le said it this morning. Everyone but
Coombes answered " Good morning,"
but Coombes said " Death to Germany."
" H'm," said old Giles; "Coombes
is defying an empire of seventy millions.
Ilis defiance would bo more impressive
from an elevation. Stand on the form,
Coombes, and write mo out Deleuda esl
C'-tiitlifigo five hundred times itl deten-
tion."
Then we went to Newbold for Maths.
Coombes preferred to spend bis time
writing a hymn of hate. He bad got
the first line done all right, but then be
stuck. Second lines in poetry are
horribly difficult. Well, Coombes bad
written, " I bate theo, William, oh, I
bate, "when Newbold collared bis. paper.
Would you believe that Newbold took
it as. applying to himself? We always
called him " Bodger," and I 'in sure that
Coombei never knew his name was
William. Well, Newbold, thinking be
was the only William in the world,
reported Coombes to the Head for gross
impertinence.
Coombos was so occupied thinking
of trouble to come that be forgot all
about his campaign till dinner. Now
Progers, our housemaster, makes what
ho thinks is intelligent and elevating
conversation at meal-times. The gravy
gets like glue while be is dismembering
Austria instead of the joint.
" If you please, Sir," said Coombes,
" don't you think it would help the
Kmpire if we used less broad and helped
to pull prices down ? "
Progers smiled and said, "I like your
Office Boy (In-eallili-ssl i/). •' AUJOI'LAM: A-IMMIN ., Sin!"
Employer (strictly fcwiimvw/i/.r). "T.*Ki: THE IIIAUT AND CIIKCK IT."
patriotic self-sacrifice, Coombes. We
must preserve our stocks of Hour. It
seems to me that Hour should be
utilised in its most nutritious forms.
Bread, for example, and not pastry.
Do I understand that you purpose ab-
staining from apple-pie? "
" Yes, Sir," said Coombes, with a
wild look in his eye. He confided to
me afterwards that he felt convinced
that Progers was a naturalised German.
Nothing else could account for such
treacherous conduct.
Then Coombes began lo argue that
we ought to give up our gold to the
Government. I agreed, of course. The
Government can have all my gold in
mid-term and welcome. When it came
to be settled it was found that the only
gold in the form was Lepping's scarf-pin.
Wo all thought it a grand idea, and we
were wondering whether it would In-
safe to send it to LLOYD GEOUOM (even
if be has turned over a now leaf), or
whether it had better go straight to
KrrriiKNKU, when all at once someone
noticed that I.cpping was missing.
Would you believe that he had slrpped
out to town and popped bis scarf-pin
for seven-and-six? Coombes said that
Lopping was a traitor to the country
and must be made to run the gauntlet,
when old Progers came in and an-
nounced that Jngger, our beast of a
house-prefect, had got his com. and
leaving that night. Wo gave
three-times-three and a few more for
Ki IVIII:NF.H, and three very small cheers
for Jogger. Lepping announced that
what was left of the seven-and-six
should be spent in a bedroom feast to
celebrate the occasion. Then Coombes
said that if Jagger was going against
the Germans his " frightfulness " cam-
( paign was off. The Ilunswith.luggei on
their track had his deepest sympathy.
168
PUNCH. <)U TIIK LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 3, 1915.
BLANCHE'S LETTERS.
RAIDS AND Tiuxns.
I'tirk Lane.
Pi MUST PAIMINK, The prospect of
a mill is the throat attraction just now
k end parties. Dick and Dottie
Flummery sent rouiul invitations, a
. littlu while a^o, when Dick was home
from tho Front for a few clays' leave:
" Come from Friday to Monday. Eaid
expected." As they're lucky enough
to have a place on tho East coast,
people were simply slaying each other
togettheiv. and I'»psv, Lady Ramsgate,
wrote to say she didn't mind irh'Tc
they put her tip, in the garage or even
with the dogs, she said, if only she
might come ! Pompom and I were
invited, and went off at onco to get
raid-wraps. "Olga" is making quite
a feature of these big, cosy, fur-lined
satin wraps with hoods lined with the
Union Jack, great enamelled buttons
with one of our Allies' flags on each, a
design of bombs, guns, aeroplanes and
submarines in steel embroidery down
the fronts and round the skirts, and a
little precious pistol pocket on the hip.
For dogsies she makes them all sizes,
down to the weeniest, and my angel
looks too darling for words in his.
Dick and Dottie, whose place is not
far from Herri nport and so in the
thick of the fun, were all ready for
anything. But nothing happened for
three days, and on Monday evening we
were feeling very cheap at the thought
of going away the next day raidless.
We stayed up, hoping against hope,
till some of us gave up in despair and
went to bed. Dick and the rest of
the men went out to make observa-
tions - imd report if anything was
coming. Suddenly, at past midnight,
we heard the sound of firing close to
the coast.
"'They 're here ! " I screamed, and,
with .icoiulerful self-possession, I at
once put on my own and darling Pom-
pom's raid-wraps.
" They 're landing ! " shrieked all the
others in chorus. "Oh! why don't
Dick and • the others come back and
defend us ? "
One of the gardeners came rushing
in. "There's a lot of they Germans
landing close by, ladies!" ho shouted.
"Herrinport's all in a buz/, and they
l>e goin' to fire off the old cannon. But
they chaps be comin* straight for this
house ! "
"Keep your heads!" I said (wasn't
I wonderful, my Daphne?). " Let 's all
stand in a row, with our raid-wraps on
and our revolvers pointed ! "
However, they wouldn't stand in a
row, and they wouldn't do anything
but rush about and make a noise, and,
when I had the lights switched off,
someone olso hud them switched on
again, and then in another moment tho
invaders were upon us and had burst
into tho house, a crowd of them, all
mullled up in cloaks and caps.
" Ach Ilimmel!" one of them ericd.
"You arc prisoners, mein littel ladies.
\Vo take you hack to do Vaterland ! "
" You don't take me or Pompon back
to your immensely odious Vaterland ! "
I said, putting my little petty-pet he-
hind mo in his basket. "You '11 have
to step over my dead body before you
touch my own darling ! " and I pointed
my revolver.
At that moment Popsy, Lady Barns-
gate, who was one of those that had
given up in despair and gone to bed,
came rushing down without her raid-
wrap and without several other things
that would have improved her appear-
ance. Brandishing an umbrella, tho
only kind of weapon she had managed
to snatch up, she charged the invaders
with a shrill cry of, " You dreadful
wretches ! Go back to your horrid
country! " And then there was a great
shout of laughter, and the cloaks and
caps were pulled off — and there were
Dick and the rest of them and tho
Dolamonts from Delamont Hall three
miles away ! It was a put-up thing.
They had used the Delamonts' yacht
and let off squibs before landing, and
Herrinport replied by firing off its one
little old cannon, which burst in the
process !
So there 's our raid, m'amie ! Dick
and the others got a small wigging
'rom the powers that be, but as they
ere going back to the Front it was all
ept quiet and allowed to blow over.
I 've Melanie de Vieuxchateau with
me on a long visit. The Comte is with
;he army. Vieuxchateau, their lovely
old place in the North of France has
been spoiled by those creatures. Melanie
only just got away in time, but the
iear thing, though in such a tearing
hurry, actually went and saw that the
bolts of the concealed trap-doors in the
old part of the chateau were drawn
back, so that anybody treading on one
of them would fall down into an
oubliette.
In the delicious romantic old times,
people who weren't wanted quite often
fell down into these lovely old under-
ground donjons and were never heard
of again ; and a former Comte, who
was Hereditary - Chief - Great - Wig -
Comber to Louis XIV., kept his nephew
for two years in the worst of all the
donjons for sneezing in tho Galerie des
Glaces at Versailles when the Boi
Soleil was passing through. What
darling old days those were !
Well, soon after dear Melanie had
escaped, those creatures occupied tho
chateau, led by a certain Prince, who
loaded himself with valuables, and,
when his hands and arms and pockets
were quite full, Jilted his month with
small jewellery, and then trod on one
of the unbolted trap-doors and fell down
into the worst of all tho oubliettes (tho
one where the sneezing nephew was
kept), and when he was got out had to
be operated on, as he was being suffo-
cated with brooches and ear-rings going
down his throat in the fall. It has
been given out that he was wounded in
battle, but Melanie says the truth is
that lie still has a small lace-brooch
sticking in his throat, and there's a
diamond ear-ring in one of his lungs,
and he'll never he the same man
again ! However, l.e 's got a whole row
of iron crosses and eagles and things
for the " Great Victory of Vieux-
chateau ! "
My dearest, I 've such an adorable
secret for your own, own ear. 1 believe
your Blanche is going to influence this
dreadful war and have a little, little
niche in history. You remember how
popular the King of Bowdydaria was
when, as Prince Blorin, he w?as over
here some time ago. He and I weie
great pals — he gave me that little
sapphire lucky-pig that I wear as a
mascot. So the idea came to me to
write to him and get him, for my sake,
to leave off being so wretchedly neutral
and join us and our allies with his
army, which is considered one of the
in --- . (I 'in censoring this
myself, as one can't be too reticent
about these things). I wrote him
a perfectly sweet letter, reminding him
of the happy times at Jinkshigh Manor,
when he distinguished himself so glori-
ously in a pillow tight in the corridors
one evening. I said I still wore his
mascot, and then 1 asked him to
leave off being so neutral, as it was
utterly unworthy of him, and, for my
sake, to come into the war on the right
side at once.
I got his answer the other day—
a most sweet one ! He says he re-
members his fair and charming friend
only too well Jor his peace of mind ; that
he's honoured that I still wear his
little gift, that he only lives to please
me, and that he kisses my bands and
is my "devoted Blorin." So, of course,
he means to come into the War, and
/ shall have been the means of ending
it sooner, and I shall be in history,
and I shall be— but I 'm still
Ever thine, BLANCHE.
P.S.— I 've just read in the morning
papers that " the King of Bowdydaria
has made a formal proclamation of
strict neutrality " / That Blorin is a
pig of the first magnitude !
MAHCH 3, l'Jir>.|
PUNCIf, 01! TilK LONDON CIIAIMVAI.M.
169
THE CELTIC REVUE.
Tin-: movement towards tho literary
rcvitc makes pi ogress. Sir,lAMi-:s l< uuui:
has long been a convert. Tho stato-
niont that, Mr. \V. IS. YKATS lias been
approached by tho management of a
West-end hall should, however, ho re
ri'ivnl with caution, in spite of the
following sketch of ;in opening scene,
which reaches us from an unreliable
quarter :—
SCENE. — ]lclii/i<! the, stage at some
t/u'.iitre. A lartjn dim x/iiice. At the
back one .WN, pi-rhups, a door leadimj
to nowhere in particular, with a light,
hunt i iiij a/ion- i! ; or it may be, the
corner of it passage, or any old thing.
Khemus, a worn pale man in the blaclc-
and-white garb oj a business manager,
sit.i stitrini/ ln'/ore him into vacancy.
Shawn, a producer, is poring over a
hook of figures.
tihemus (speaking as though with a
great effort,). There is no money in
tho house to-night.
Xhtiint (absently). Will you be saying
that ?
Shemtts. A while ago
Came two with passes in their hands,
who sat
Some little space, then groaned and
passed away,
As tho wind passes o'er a cairn of stones;
But made more noise, for you could hear
them go.
Shatvn. i did not see them.
Hhemus (bitterly). You did not miss
much.
Pot-bellied fools that lacked the wit
to smile,
Dead-heads, with hearts already mori-
bund.
Shawn (looking up). There is that
hero I do not understand ;
In this groat book is written all the tale
Of what 's been spent upon the present
show
(Red gold enough to buy a thousand
souls) ;
And all the ancient names of the old
Stars
We pinned our faith to, yet they help
us not.
Shemus (as before). There is no money
in the house to-night.
Nothing tp speak of.
Shairn. Then why speak it twice
When onc'o was almost more than I
could bear ?
|.l distant noise as of owls hooting.
Did you not hear them ? That 's the
curtain down ;
He should bo bore by now.
Hhemiis. I hoar a step ;
It is himself.
[The door at the back opens to
admit the figure of Braudgrin,
the leading man. His face is
"Is MBS. BROWN AT HOME?" "No, MUM— ROUTE MAHCHIN'."
"AND MB. BROWN?" "GONE TO CAMP."
"AND THE CHILDREN?" " GONE BCOUT1N1; AS* I "OI'E YOU 'U, EXCUSE ME,
MUM, BCT I *M DUE AT THE DRILL 'Al.L JJESELF."
. very white. About his shoulders
there is for the moment a sugges-
tion as of geese fluttering.
Shawn (awed). And he has got the
Bird.
Braudgrin. I am full weary of this
foolish piece
And all the scenes that come, yet never
go.
And all the hours when, like a fisherman,
I drop my linos into a yawning pit
And have no good of them. It makes
me sick-,
So sick I feel I could throw up my part.
Shemus (as though quoting). "Artists
will please remember that their
speech
Must stand as free from all vulgarity."
That was the contract when you were
engaged.
Shawn (whispers). It is tho Bird that
\\orketh on him thus,
Ruffling his temper with its evil wings.
Let us not heed him.
Braudgrin. Never one can say
But I did everything within my power
With gags and quips to wako the piece
to life,
And yet it hangs, like a provincial
sketch
Or blasted palm-tree — things that get
no dates.
Shawn. They oft will swear when
they have had the Bird.
Shemus (as before). There is no money
in the house to-night.
Braudgrin (suddenly). 1 have a vision
of a crock of gold
That 's ours for lifting. Let us change
tho bill
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
[MAitcn 3, 1915.
THE TERRORS OF WAR.
WHAT WB HAVE TO SUFFER IN CUE SELECT CLUB NOW THAT ALL SERVANTS OF ELIGIBLE AGE HAVE JOINED THE COLOIT.S.
Temporary Waiter. " 'Oo SAID ' MUFFINGS ' ? "
(Word of ill sound) and put on a revue;
Celtic, not French, and full of shadowy
girls,
Colleens, they call them, clad in sham-
rock green,
And on their lips and feet attractive
brogues.
Then let us have a scene with lots of pigs
And call it Bally-something.
Shawn (doubtfully). Bally rot
It sounds to me. But we might try
the thing.
Shemus. There 's money in a ballet—
always was.
Braiidgrin (ecstatic). Already in my
cars there is a sound,
A lowing murmur as of crowded stalls
And the deep thunder of approving gods
That frights away the Bird. Come, let
us go.
[They (jo out. The scene closes.
" Russian Joan of Arc Was Wounded in Foot
While Fighting in Pol.md — Gets Cross."
Headline in a Jlritish Columbia paper.
This sort of tiling makes even a saint
swear.
SIR SVEN HEDIN.
As an Asiatic digger
You have laboured like a nigger
And few travellers loom bigger
On that scene,
So we thought that you were wiser
Than to holster up the KAISEU
As the only civiliser,
SVKN HEDIN.
Here your claims were never slighted,
You were feted, honoured, knighted,
And appeared to be delighted
By your mien.
Now you aim at something higher
And as England's vilifier
Join Professor KUNO MEYER,
SVEN HEDIN.
In the work of exploration
'To no other foreign nation
Under sucli an obligation
Have you been ;
Yet you bite the hand that fed you,
And within the land that bred you
Many friends are like to shed you,
SVEN HEDIN.
THE MARTIAL MUSE.
No self-respecting music publisher
lias fewer than twenty new patriotic
songs lo:day on his list and many have
more. Of their patriotism there can
be no doubt, for one has but to look at
the titles, which may be considered
under two headings, Pro-Allies and
Anti-German.
In the former ca'egory we are
especially attracted by the following: —
Annette of the Aisne.
Boy with the Bayonet, The.
Bulldog's Bark and Bite, The.
Empty Piccadilly, Lonely Leicester
Square.
Pipers at Wipers, The.
Russians are to have Constantino-
ple, The.
Turning to the Anti-German songs
we may single out : —
Baby and the Bomb, The.
Basiling the Bosches.
Boys of the Dachshund Breed.
Champagne Willy is my name.
Erring on the Rhine.
O Willy, we shan't miss you.
PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVAHI.-MABCH 3, 1915.
WILLIAM 0' THE WISP.
MARC ii :J, 1915.]
PUNCH,
I HO LONDON niAIMVAI.M.
178
A COMBINED NAVAL AND MILITARY ATTACK.
MB. M'NEiix (NOT SWIFT), SIR C. KINLOCH-COOKE AND LORD CHARLES BKRKSFOHD oo FOR MR. TKNNANT.
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
(EXTRACTED FROM THE EIAUY OF TOBY, M.P.)
House of Commons, Monday, 22nd
February. — NAPOLEON, if lie were still
with us, would be interested and cor-
rected by discovering how thoroughly
" a nation of shopkeepers," dragged
into a great war, becomes imbued with
the military spirit. Striking example
occurred this afternoon. Announce-
ment officially made that Colonel
SEELY, one of the earliest volunteers
for the Front, had been appointed, with
temporary rank of Brigadier-General,
to command of brigade largely com-
posed of Canadian troops.
A time of political truce, party preju-
dice and animosities happily laid aside.
But, really, this appointment of what
M'NEILL (not SWIFT but another) scorn-
fully calls "an ex- Yeomanry officer"
to important command is going a little
too far, don't you think? M'NEiLL
does, and so does CHARLIE BEKESFORD,
and they find valuable support in my
colleague in the representation of Barks,
KINLOCH-COOKE, in whose modest per-
son few resogniso II. M. Counsel for
Mint in Botkshire.
Understand from friend who, though
undistinguishable in mufti, is a section-
commander in the Inns of Court
Eeserve Coips, that one of the most
elementary manoeuvres in squad-drill
is to Form Fours. Obviously that im-
possible in this particular assault.
The gallant trio do the next best
thing possible to their number. They
Form Three and attack UNDER-
SECRETARY OF WAR with fusillade
of questions.
Completeness of design shown in
circumstance that this is a combined
naval and military attack, something
after the fashion of the bombardment
of the Belgian coast. KINLOCH-COOKE,
inadequately appreciated in military
circles, knows enough, inter alia, to
have written a book settling crucial
question of Australian Defences and
New Guinea. Long before the hand-
grenade became a recognised weapon
in the trenches in Flanders, M'NEiLL
distinguished himself by flinging one
across the Table of House of Commons,
administering to FIRST LORD OF TUT.
ADMIRALTY what is colloquially known
as "one in the eye." Fact that the
projectile was bound copy of Kules !
Preserving Order in Debate Hashed over
the incident a gleam of humour that
greatly pleased the House.
As for CHARLIE BEKESKORD, his re-
nown is world-wide. Coining down
this afternoon ready to take his part in
combined attack on War Office lie
observed that attention to detail which
long experience has taught him is,
though comparatively trivial, essential
to full success. Instead of driving
across Palace Yard, he arrived at West-
minster Stairs in trim - built wherry,
with the name Condor painted in large
letters on its bow, lest he should be
suspected of concealing himself under
guise of anonymous neutrality.
Attack effected without a hitch.
II.M.'s Counsel for Mint in Berkshire
led off with enquiry whether report of
SKELY'S appointment was well-founded?
M'NEiLL made brilliant Hank attack by
demand to know whether such promo-
tion of an ex-Yeomanry officer implied
dearth of competent officers in Regular
Army ? Then the gallant little Condor
ran in and raked batteries of Treasury
Bench by wanting to know whether
affair had not only led to revolt on part
of Canadian contingent but had spread
1TXCII, Oil THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 3, 1915.
"YOU CAN BE OLE TlIlP/ IN A SUBMARINE, AN1 I'LL BE HADMIBAL JEBICHO ON MY MAS-O'-WAB. YOU 'VE GOT TO THY AN' GIT 'OLD
O' MY FOOT AFOBK I COPS YOU ONE OVER THE PKD — SEE?".
feeling of irritation throughout the
Dominion?
UNDUE-SECRETARY FOB WAR quietly
answered that the nomination had boon
made by Sir JOHN FRENCH, upon whose
staff SEELY has served for six months.
As for alleged Canadian dissatisfaction,
the only Canadian officer with whom
ho had conversed on the subject in-
formed him that the arrangement was
highly popular not only with the troops
but throughout the Dominion.
'OocE, with pertinacity reminiscent
of late King of BASHAN and testifying
afresh to influence of heredity, wanted
to know whether Lord SALISBURY has
also boon made a Brigadier-General,
and what are his military qualifications?
I louse, indisposed further to consider
matter, got into Committee of Supply
and talked learnedly on aniline dyes.
Iiiiaiii"n'i done.— £38,853,000 voted
for Civil Service Estimates.
House of Lords, Tuesday. — In casual
lull of work undertaken on behalf of
Empire iiohle lords to-day turned for
live minutes to think about themselves.
One of the odd things that go to build-
ing up of British constitution is that
House of Lords practically have no
commissariat dr-partmont. Commons,
as is well known, have elaborate estab-
lishment under direction. of Committee
annually elected.
Less well known that in these dire
circumstances remote end of Terrace,
corresponding with that at t'other end
where in due season wife of the SPKAKEK
privily entertains her friends to tea, is
reserved for the peerage. SAKK retains
vivid recollection of one summer after-
noon when he saw HALSBUKY, while still
Lord Chancellor, seated at a Table set
in this remote quarter and pouring tea
out of a large brown pot for refreshment
of two ladies.
Sacred reserve little frequented. Fact
is, eight times out of ten, at the hour
commonly appointed for taking t3a —
five o'clock, to wit— noble lords, their
daily task accomplished, have shut
up shop and are wending their way
homeward or clubwaid.
This practice makes more remarkable
a movement formally approved at to-
day's sitting. If noble lords appi cach-
ing public business at half-past four
habitually conclude it at five o'clock,
what do they want with dinner prepared
on the premises at eight or half-past?
On the rare occasions in the Session
when debate is piolonged their custom
is to adjourn at eight o'clock, re-
suming the sitting at half-past nine,
having in the meantime been home to
dinner. Now resolved, by acceptance
of report of Select Committee presided
over by DONOUGHMORE, to have Refresh-
ment Department under management
of Kitchen Committee, on same lines as
that which looks after comfort of the
Commons. Of course this includes
engagement of chef, staffs of cooks and
waiters, with daily provision of where-
withal to cook dinners for indefinite
number of guests.
Seems a sound business arrangement.
Its working will be watched with
interest.
Business done. — LORD CHANCELLOR
seated on Woolsack at 4.15. Prayers.
Batch of Private Bills read second time.
At 4.30 public business brought on.
Resolved to have Refreshment Depart-
ment, so that dinners may be served as
in House of Commons. At 4.35 House
adjourned.
House of Commons, Thursday. —
Board of Trade and Board of Works
had bad quarter of an hour in respect
of the contract for purchase of timber.
HOPE of Sheffield, rapidly working
out a sum, showed the minimum coui-
MMKII :i, 1015. i
PUNCH, OK TIIH LONDON CII MJIVAIM.
or the
(To be
seven .
mission pocketed by fortunate con-
tractor will exceed (;:!.'*,() :(), lluvr
salary of a \,m<\ Chancellor
salary of six 1'rimc; Ministers.
accurate, lie should have said
AHTHUU MAKKHAM, who speaks
having authority, not as a member of
tin; I'oiird of Works, mentioned that in
his business as a coal-owner ho bought.
timber to the amount of £100,000 n
year, paying his agent, ioliO u
DAUUXL, who has keen scent for a job,
hinti'd at others of similar character
•that would presently ho de-dt with.
FINANCIAL SKI KKTAKY TO WAU
OFFICE attempted to dispose of awk
ward business by curt assurance that he
was perl'edly satisfied with the affair
l;m;m:mciv HANDEL BOOTH rcmindec
him that subject bad not been raisei
" in order that one might bo fobbed of
like that on a foggy evening
.Matter looking serious, BECK put up
on behalf of Board of Works to invite
any business rnen in the House who
cared to call at the Works Office to
consider details of the transaction
which would be open for their inspec-
tion. FREDERICK HANDEL knew the
'sort of man for the job.
" I '11 go," he shouted.
There for a moment matter rests.
Business done. — Vote on Account ol
Civil Service Estimates agreed to.
LETTERS TO VON TIRPITZ.
[It is not surprising that the submarine
activities of the German N:ivy have led to the
(lei-man Admiralty receiving aJarge number
of communications.]
The Homestead, Dovcdale.
DEAR Sin, — I have read in the news-
papers that in submarine ships your
men can go under water for several
hours. I wish you would be kind
enough to lot me know bow they
manage to hold their breath all that
time, as I remember that, when younger
and given to sea bathing, I could only
bold mine for ten or twelve seconds at
the most. Yours sincerely,
(Miss) PRUDENCE PIFFLE.
The Nuts' Club, Piccadilly,
London, W.
DEAII Sin, — Your chaps don't seem
to realise that what they are doing
only helps to increase recruiting over
here. Take my own case. I may have
been a bit slow in doing what I am
going to do now, but 1 've finally made
up my mind to rough it as others are
roughing it. So mark this! If you
persist m murdering non-combatants
on the high seas, as sure as I 'm twenty-
five next 1st of April, 1 'II make mij
man enlist.
Yours, ADOLPHUS FIT/.
Tramp (detailing his day's work). "Yos, AN' wura I TOLD 'KR THAT BESIDES IH:IN'
TOO OLD FOB THE ARMY ME 'KART WAS WEAK, SHE SKZ, ' \V'KM,, CAN VKR KMT?' '
The Pets "Protection Socii'ti/.
DEAR SIR, — I am requested by the
mmitteo of the above society to
write to you. Doubtless the loss of
:mman life caused by the sinking of a
submarine is very regrettable, but just
as sad is the death, consequent upon
the loss of the vessel, of the white mice
always carried. Will you kindly state,
therefore, what arrangements you have
made or are making for safeguarding
ihe lives of the white mice on your
submarines ? If no such arrangements
lave been made we should be prepared
(o promote a fund for providing them
with life-belts.
Yours faithfully,
(For the P.P.S.)
JAMES SMOOTHER, Hon. Sec.
< 'i-iii'k Kiin'inas, Ld.
DEAR SIR, — Please quote lowest
icrms for sending submarine to be sunk
>y British warship or merchantman
•utside Dover harbour for kinemato-
rapli purposes. Would arrange to
rescue your crew immediately your
vessel was struck. I believe that
Britisli Admiralty will on its part be
perfectly willing to oblige, so trust you
will do same. Yours faithfully,
ALHERT FLASHEH, Sec.
Our Diplomatic Press.
"THK PIKATKs.
t'.S. C'AIIINKT
MKETS."
•' F.rening Standard " Poster.
"TO-DAY'S NOTAI'.I.K DICTA.
A soberer British Army never took the
field.— Kcv. W. Beveridgo."
fllasyitir Cititen.
Obviously an authority.
The German Food Regulations.
' ' \Ve do not know how they are taking to Ihf
'vcrnmrnt rations, and wo advise readers
•]>t with caution reports of internal
disturbances received through roundabout
channels." — Times.
Perhaps a rather too Johnsonian phrase
for indigestion.
176
PUNCH, Oil THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MABCH 3, 1915.
THE WOOL-WINDER.
" Tun Dardanelles," I said, " aro now—
"I'm sorry 1 can't attend to the Dardanelles just at
.lid France--:!.
"Why not?" I said. "Do you take no interest in
thrin '.' "
•• Yes" she said, " lot-. But at this moment I in knitting
a bed-sock for some frost-bitten soldier, and it 's got to be
finished to-night."
•• Won't to-morrow do?" I said.
"No," she said, "it won't. The whole parcel must go
otT to-morrow morning to the hospital."
"Oh, very well," I said, "if you won't listen, you
won't, and there's an end of it. I only thought you might
like to have a little intellectual conversation even while
vou were knitting. Some people would prefer to have a
certain amount of outside intellect thrown into a bed-sock,
especially as I understand that bed-socks have no heels
and are, therefore, not in themselves of the highest interest."
" This bed-sock," said Francesca, "doesn't aim at being
interesting; it hopes to be comfortable. So please go on
reading your evening paper to yourself. I'm not one of
those geniuses who can knit and talk and write letters and
read papers all at one and the same time."
"All right," 1 said; "but when Mrs. Archdale comes into
the room I warn you I shall talk to her whether she 's
knitting or not. I simply insist on telling her about the
Dardanelles."
" And that," said Francesca, " would bo conduct un-
worthy of a host. But she hasn't brought her knitting
with her."
" How terrible for her," I said. " What does it feel like
to forget one's knitting? "
At this moment Mrs. Archdalo entered the room. She
was staying with us for two nights, and, having left her
knitting behind, she was for the moment a sort of free
lance among women. Now Mrs. Archdale, who is the
kindest of women, has two main characteristics. Either
she is wanting to help somebody else or she is actually help-
ing somebody else. She came in trailing clouds of glory
behind her in the shape of a huge skein of white wool
and she showed only a faint interest in the Dardanelles.
" I must help," she said, " and as all the knitting needles
in the house are occupied I am going to wind this wool
into a ball."
"And he," said Francesca, thus lightly indicating me,
" will help you. It 's time he did something. He can hold
the skein while you wind off."
"Splendid!" I said with an alacrity which, I am sure,
was hollow. "Give me the skein. Let me hold it. Of
course I 'm a champion tangler. All the skeins I "ve ever
held have had thousands of knots in them. I suppose it's
bscause of my thumbs; but a man can't help bis thumbs,
can lie ? Lot us begin at once ; " and I sprang from my
chair and seized the nearer parts of Mrs. Archdale's skein.
Gently, but with the utmost firmness, Mrs. Archdale
declined my help. She could never dream, she said, of
separating a man from his evening paper. It would be
unforgivable. Besides, she could manage quite well with
out mo.
" Use the back of his armchair," said Francesca. " It 's
the only suitable one in the room. He can bend forward.
" Yes," I said, " I 'nn the best bend-forward in the neigh-
bourhood. You'll miss me nearly every time. Besides, il
you do catch me, what does it matter ? To be strangled is
nothing sV> long as it 's in a good cause."
But Mrs. Archdale said No, it was quite unnecessary.
She thanked rne warmly for my offer of assistance, but she
had a patent and infallible plan for winding wool unaided.
All she had to do was to put the skein round her foot and
Unco— like this— and the thing was as good as done. Even
if she did happen to want a chair-hack, there were plenty
in the room that she could use at a pinch without incon-
veniencing me. Thereupon she began.
Jt might ho supposed that in the contest which followed
all the odds were on the side of a resolute and resourceful
woman, as against a mere inanimate bundle of wool, but to
suppose thus would be doing an injustice to the innumer-
able wiles and the worse than devilish traps of this
memorable skein. It was not one duel, but a whole series
of duels, in which Mrs. Archdale seemed to compose herself
against her will into a succession of momentary tableaux
ivants. Sometimes she was foiled, sometimes she triumphed.
Her arms, her hands, her feet, her head involved them-
selves in the most remarkable positions, but, though the
dastardly skein seemed never to diminish, the white ball,
the symbol of hope, the proof of a woman's unconquerable
mind, steadily grew in size. I could not remove my
fascinated eyes from her, but Francesca kept hers ini perturb-
ably on her bed-sock, while her fingers moved and her
needles clicked with a dreadful and dauntless celerity. Let
me describe what I saw.
Tableau No. 1. Industry Depressed by Care. — Mrs. Arch-
dale on the sofa, with the skein firmly bound 'round her
right foot and kneo. She makes a few rapid passes with
both hands, meets an obstruction, attempts in vain to
separate it into its component parts, says "Tut-tut" several
times, bends down suddenly and seizes her feet in an atti-
tude of lowly despair.
Tableau No. 2. Victory Crowning the Brave. — Mrs. Arch-
dale disengages the skein from her foot and knee, hangs it
over the back of a chair and rises to her full height. She
then winds wool feverishly round her waist and neck, and,
with strands of wool dependent from her hands, spreads
out both her arms in a posture strongly resembling that of
the Crimean monument in Waterloo Place.
Tableau No. 3. Tliought lluling the World. — Mrs. Arch-
dale, still standing, passes the wool round the hack of her
head, bites it, presses it against her breast with her cliin
and drops her arms to her sides.
After this there were several minor tableaux, and it was
evident that both parties were feeling their punishment
severely. Mrs. Archdale, however, lasted the better of the
two, and eventually we came to
The Final Tableau. Tito Lure of the Spider. — Mrs. Arch-
dale, standing, with light strands of wool radiating from her
feet, her body and head to all her fingers and both her wrists
and elbows. Through these she looms, dimly visible. She
attempts to untie herself, trips and falls backwards into the
sofa. " At last," she murmurs, and, lo, with a few frantic
circular movements the ball is completed and the spider
emerges from her web.
After this it hardly seemed necessary to discuss the
Dardanelles. E. C. L.
Equity and Eqxiitation.
"Biding Master in S.W. district will Exchange Lessons and loan
of mounts for professional services of Solicitor resident in same
district." — -Adrt.jn " Times."
An excellent arrangement. Tho solicitor will send in his
bill; the riding-master will reply, "To a mount rendered,"
and neither will he saddled with costs.
"EuiUTUM. — In the December number 1914, under heading 'Our
Church Hells,' for Flcur tie lets read Fleurde lys." — ParisJi Ma/azine.
It was, of course, her "lily hand" (not leg) that the lady
waved.
MA IK H 3, 1915.]
PUNCH, ou TIIK LONDON CMAIMVAUI.
5
C.O. (to delinquent brought up for having a dirt,, rifle). "An! A VERY OLD SOLDIEB! I SUPPOBK you MADE YOURSELF OUT TO i
A ™ WHKN Y°° BE-EHLISTED- WELL' WHAT ™ ™ «'*«••««• *™ Till LAST T,MR YOtf WEBE
Delinquent (stung to irony). "'Avis' A Dinry BOW-AN'-ARUEB, Sin!
MEANS OF COMMUNICATION.
THR olfices I have jusfc taken are
very convenient.
I can sit in tho inner sanctum and,
by leaving the connecting door slightly
ajar, can see right through to the outer
door, arid observe incomers before they
have time to spot mo. To a man start
in^' without a clientele this is extremely
usyful. It does not look well to he caught
lolling back in one's arm-chair reading
light literature at, say, 11.30 A.M.,
especially if one's feet are on one's
writing-table.
When my typist is in tho outer office
of course 1 can throw precautions to
the winds.
I ouly moved in last Wednesday,
and if 1 happen to be alone and tiear
or see the outer door open I usually
spring to attention and bring the tele-
phone receiver smartly to my loft ear,
keeping tho right ear and botb eyes
trained on the incomer.
(ii'iiei-ally it is the typist coming in
from lunch, or from the bank, or from
wherever typists go for employers who
are without business; but yesterday 1
received a shock. I was deeply en-
grossed in Blank's Monthly when a
mock came at the outer door. I called
out, "Come in," dropped the magazine
into the waste-paper basket, and, taking
the receiver oft tho hook laid it noisily
on the table, then, putting my hear"
round the connecting door, I said
Please excuse me one moment. 1 'm
talking to someone on the 'phono
Most important."
1 had a fleeting glance of a man
before 1 rushed back to tho receiver, a
man with a small black bag such as
some solicitors wear. I motioned to
him to bo seated, and left tho door ajar
so that my visitor should not miss
hearing anything that might be in-
structive from tho inner oflice.
I disregarded tho appeals of the tele-
phone operator. " Please repeat that,
Sir Robert," 1 said to tho instrument.
" 1 was called away for a moment by
another client. Ah, yes, quite so. But
I think you had bettor make up your
mind. The duchess is after the pro-
perty too. Yes, seven, fourteen or
twenty-one years. Ob yes, the drains
are in perfect order. Only stabling for
sis, I'm afraid. Well, yes. We have
another in ILimpshho. Don't like
Hampshire? Well, let mo think. Ah,
of course, the very thing. Sir Carl
Umptyum (I am afraid it sounded like
<hat) has just put his place in our
hands. Well, bo finds tho East Coast
a little too warm just now. Oh, yes,
stabling for thirty. Four greenhouses
on cement foundations and — what ?
Yes, I '11 have all particulars sent on
to you by this post. Oh, certainly.
Good-bye."
I bung up the receiver and threw
open the connecting door. " 1 'in very
sorry," I said, " to have kept you so
long. Please come in."
Instead of speaking, my visitor
handed me a piece of paper on which
I read : —
I am deaf and dumb ; please help
me by purchasing a typewriter ribbon
or some ink-eraser."
The Literal Teuton.
Translation of extract from tho
Prayer Tagblatl : —
"That nt the present time acquaintance
with the Gcrniiiii language is none top wide-
spread is plainly cc:nonstrated by tho i-suo of
launch for In-cember 28rd, 1914. Hero tho
eriM.-iu L'nrtvii I'rinco writes to his Father in
11 • I nwritten Letter': ' Do not imagine that
[ am pulling your log,' which is absurdly
rendered : '</<ws t'r/i dir das liein iiflie.' It U
equally unintelligible when the Crown Prince
-.-iCi tha fear : ' rfoM tcir n libcrall in
dcm Hals lirieyen.' "
Aien't they hopeless?
17H
PUNCH, OR THK LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 3, 19 J. 5.
SPY RASH.
MY cousin Charle-i has had spy
rash. Ho lives on tlic Kast Coast. Ho
caught it by- running ag.iinst a German.
The Gorman hail taken a house on the
cliff with a pleasant sea view. My
cousin, wlio was taking a walk in the
night air to help his digestion, noticed
curious little Hashes proceeding through
the German's best hodroom window.
Charles, who says ho knows Morso
code, mentioned the matter to the
police. The police were very polite
and thanked him and said that they
would see to it. A week or so after-
wards they came along and told Charles
that he was quite right ahout the man
being a German, but that there was no
cause for alarm. The German didn't
sleep very well at night through worry-
ing about his German affairs, so he
walked ahout his bedroom. Jf, as
sometimes happened, he forgot to pull
down the blind, his passing between
the light and the window might give
to a civilian unversed in such matters
the appearance of signalling. The
police assured Charles that this was
the correct explanation of the pheno-
menon and that there couldn't be any
mistake as they had it direct from the
German himself.
They added that they quite under-
stood people being nervous in wartime;
that they were only too glad to be able
to reassure them ; that the matter had
been scarcely any trouble, and that the
weather was very cold. Charles, who
is a suspicious person, wasn't over-
satisfied with what the police told him.
He didn't doubt their bona fides, but
thought that they might conceivably
have been misled by the German. He
sacrificed several nights' rest watching
the German's best bedroom window. He
noticed that the German couldn't sleep
most nights, and that he generally for-
got to pull down the blind. He wrote
to the M.P. for the district about it in
case he should care to mention the
matter to the House of Commons. The
M.P, wrote hack and thanked Charles.
He said that, if the police had been
informed, there was no need for alarm.
He added that ho could quito under-
stand people getting nervous in wartime,
that it had been no trouble, and that
the weather in town was wretched.
After the Zeppelin raid the German
gave up tho house as the neighbourhood
was none too safe. He forgot to pay
his rent and forgot to take away a few
little things, including a complete set
of wireless. Tho landlord told Charles,
and Charles was very cro-s with the
German, the police and tho M.P. He
seemed to think that the safety of
tho country was being neglected and
determined to take the question up
himself.
He became most suspicious. Ho had
a terrible down on pigeons. Since his
cook forgot to ventilate a pio containing
dead pigeons, he has never been fond
of them. Now he never moots a pigeon
without wanting to do it an injury. I
think that he was justified in shooting
at a prize carrier pigeon belonging to
a local farmer. It's very difficult to
detect the nationality of a pigeon on
tho wing, and Charles himself didn't
expect to hit it first time. He wasn't
so vexed at having to pay damages as
at being titled for not having a gun
licence.
It was silly of him to wring tho neck
of old Martha's favourite hen. Even
a cursory inspection would have con-
vinced him that it wasn't a pigeon.
After all, old Martha has just as much
right to carry a pet fowl about under
her cloak as other ladies to carry pet
dogs. The death of Jenkins' parrot
was never brought home to Charles,
and in any case no jury acquainted
with the bird would have awarded
damages. If Jenkins bad any liking
for the animal he shouldn't have let
it wander about at night unaccom-
panied. Luckily the post office em-
ployee whom Charles clodded down
from the top of a telegraph pole got
well again, so that didn't cost very
much. If Charles had discovered
sooner that the foreigner lodging two
doors away was a Swede, he wouldn't
have spent three consecutive nights on
the wet grass and caught pneumonia.
I am glad that I dissuaded him from
throwing the little elderly man off the
railway bridge on to the line. It was
stupid of the man to loiter on the
bridge, but I still shudder when I think
of the thud ho would have made when
he arrived.
The unpleasant -looking man who
spent two hours on the cliff doing
nothing but look suspicious ought to
send Charles's wife a box of chocolates
or something. But for her presence of
mind his life would have been brought
to an abrupt conclusion. Charles
marked him down at once. Owing to
his previous mistakes he thought that,
it would be better to have a second
opinion before making away with the
man. That 's why be came and dug
me out. I was reading a rather inter-
esting book at the time, but as he
was loading-up both his revolvers and
seemed to think that the matter was
urgent I went to have a look at the
fellow. Ho was such an ill-favoured
individual that I decided not to inter-
fere. I wasn't going to be jealous
because Charles got all tho credit. On
my way back to my book I met
Charles's wife. She wanted to know
where Charles was, and 1 told her that
he was on the cliff shooting a man. I
warned her to keep out of the danger-
zono in ease tho man was a spy, as
Charles suspected. He might have had
bombs and things ahout him which
would go off with the shooting.
She asked what would happen if the
man turned out not to be a spy. I told
her that if tho jury viewed the corpse
tho veidict would possibly be "justi-
fiable homicide"; probably, "murder."
As she wanted to know how the latter
verdict would affect Charles, 1 didn't feel
that 1 ought to conceal from her that
only the Court of Criminal Appeal and
the HOME SECRETARY would stand
between him and the hangman. She
didn't seem to have much confidence
in either the Court of Criminal Appeal
or the HOME SECRETARY and decided
to go and look for Charles. I advised
her not to mix heiself up in the affair;
but women are obstinate creatures.
When she arrived Charles was just
training his arsenal on to the man, and
she had no difficulty in locating him.
She at once identified the fellow as a
harmless local parson and a great friend
of her father. Charles believed her at
the time, though she didn't offer to
introduce them. I asked her why she
didn't make him a dean or a bishop
while she was about it. She said sho
would have done so only Charles is so
suspicious that he might have insisted
on the man showing his legs. This
affair so disheartened Charles that he
has declined the local Mayor's re-
quest that he should join the Special
Constabulary.
A SECRET.
WHEN the morn is grim and ugly,
When the cold is harsh and crude,
When you 've lain serene and snugly
Under blankets warm and good ;
When its tone to pink is verging
As the frost your nose benumbs,
And your fingers, on emerging,
Feel like someone else's thumbs ;
Rise, 1 say, for very pleasure ;
Tread the oil-cloth then and there;
Take a full and ample measure
Of the icy morning air.
Take the bluff embrace of Winter ;
Face the frost and fear is fled ;
Then (if you 're a speedy sprinter)
Sprint back instantly to bed I
Contrast makes our joys completer ;
Warmth is warmer after chill ;
You will doze an hour the sweeter
For a moment's strength of will.
MARCH 3, 19 Jo.]
PUNCH, <H! TIIK LONDON CIIA l!l V A III
J73
Farmer. "WHAT DO you MEAN BY KNOCKING OFF WOKK AT THIS TIME OP DAY?"
*• ""
GOIN> TO 'UST
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
(Zty Jlfr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)
THRKK are travel-books and travel-books. What have wo
not all endured from the linked boredom long drawn out
of some of them, their depressing pictures and unleavened
letterpress ! Fortunately there exists also the kind written
by Mr. NOIIMAN DOUGLAS, of which the present volume,
Old Calabria (SKCKEK), is, I believe, the third. It is from
first to last a most joyous production. Calabria is the
part of Italy least explored by foreigners; probably this
is what tempted Mr. DOUGLAS thither. I am certainly
glad, since it gives us all the chance of enjoying the journey
in his company. Better could hardly be found. Mr.
DOUGLAS has, beyond everything, the gift of eternal youth,
which is the ideal equipment of your travelling companion.
More than that, one detects in him (for all his sly affecta-
tion of regarding himself as a cold-blooded Northerner) a
sympathetic kinship with the South, which again and
again smooths the path before him and incidentally
explains much of the charm of his pages. Mr. DOUGLAS'S
stylo is, like his outlook upon life, a thing peculiar to him-
self and wholly irresistible. He is a philosopher, with
a keenly appreciative eye, a fund of real and pertinent
knowledge, and, above all, the gift of laughter. It is this
chuckling humour, genial, ironic, a trifle Rabelaisian, that
one remembers most in 'the journey; difficulties and even
dangers seem to vanish before it. To read this book is in
short to read the sort of letters that persons who me
abroad ought to write to one at home, but seldom do. One
seems to be chatting with Mr. DOUGLAS himself in some
warm Southern garden, over an excellent dinner and a
bottle (or perhaps two) of native wine. And in such
company the wine and the stories would he, one feels, of
vintage quality. I should perhaps mention that the cost
of the present feast is fifteen shillings. It is worth every
penny of it.
1 have the feeling that your knowledgeable and expert
critic of the higher sort would have no good word to say
for Grocer (ircatlicart (LANE), though ho might, in an
exhilarated and generous moment, see some good in the
analysis of the grocer mind and the picture of the shipwreck
in the earlier chapters. The tale of deseit island, treasure
trove and intermittent revolver practice he would label
rubbish, and not very new rubbish at that, and he would
remark bitterly that never outside phantasy or farce
had the arm of coincidence been stretched to such
length as in the chance meeting of the various treasure-
hunting parties. But I, being a common reader, entirely
satisfied if I am kept breathlessly excited and hopelessly
amused, confess to an unequivocal gratitude to Mr.
ARTHUR H. ADAMS for a first-rate evening's pastime.
The particularly fascinating features of his desert island,
which by the way pretends to no fairy qualities, in-
cluded the inexplicable apparition, in the absence of any
human habitation, of a lady's stocking - suspender, the
mysterious sounds of a brass band indifferently playing
popular classical airs in the far distance, and the sudden
intrusion of a tiger with an excessively ferocious mien but
ISO
PUNDIT, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAISCH 3. 1915.
the unusually childish habit of sulking when spoken to
Altogether it is a most refreshing yet quite
legitimate neighbourhood, my only complaint against it
being that it did onc3 or twice remind mo rather too
closely of that other island which HAHRIK'S Admirable
Cricktan so competently ruled. Bo it noted, however, that
Mr. ADAMS U not out for satire or any other latent purpose;
his simple object is to entertain, and, in iny common judg-
ment, he has not failed.
Wo can't get to know 1ialf enough about the Navy these
great days, and perhaps many of us are something stricken
in conscience because (when we come to think of it) it was
little enough we had learnt and a good deal too much wo
hail taken for granted about the ships and the men that
light the ships. Mr. L. Coris COBNFORD, in Echoes from
the Fleet (WILLIAMS AND NORGATE), presents various aspects
of Naval life and work through the pleasantly refractive
medium of sketches and ~~
stories, and no less a person
than Lord CHARLES BEKES-
FORD vouches lor the accuracy
of the presentment. So I
merely hand on to you his
recommendation. I can, in-
deed, well imagine that
gallant Admiral particularly
approving the prologue with
its suggestion that all minis-
ters hide a cloven hoof and
all (well, nearly all) sailormen
a halo. And if the half bo
true of what the author
relates of H.M.S. Cresset (a
pseudonym for discretion's
sake) and its hazardous cruise
with a rotten bottom and a
wobbly screw that finally
dropped off, so that her
captain had to hoist sail, then
some cheeseparer in author-
ity badiy needs impeaching.
(Early eighties? No: 1912,
by the guns of the Lion \ )
Yes, surely we ought to know i ______
about such doings and about the pleasanter and sterner
things that Mr. COIINFODD tells us with a fine enthusiasm
and no very carefully weighed phrases for those who are
not of his school.
To pass in leisurely review
The Great White Army (CASSELL) you
Must turn your mind about, and go
To where, beneath the blinding snow
From Moscow France's arms recoiled
And staggered back to Paris foiled.
That is the period whereon
The author, Mr. PE.MI.EUTON,
Has turned the searchlight of his brain
To wake it into life again.
Of mighty matters tells he, and
)f smaller, not less deftly planned—
Of gay young guardsmen, debonair,
^ lio succour ladies, passing fair;
Of various plottings and such things
As lovers' gentle whisperings;
All with the jaunty skill which he
Draws from some secret recipe.
And if to-day when wo 'vo our fill,
God knows, of serious facts, you still
Would turn for solace (as is right)
To fiction not too deep nor light,
Well woven, not too closely knit,
With humour and a touch of wit,
Urbane and expert — this is it.
The reading of Enter An American (METHUEN), by
E. CiiOSDY-IIwATH, leaves me under the impression that
the writer is an Am rican lady who has spent some days
in London. No English writer, 1 think, would have been
capable of making the American hero so unobtrusively
and yet so genuinely American in his externals as is
Spencer K. Wallace, who intrudes as an earthly providence
into the sacred circle of female paying guests assembled at
Carabas Court, Carabas Square, and immediately sets to
work to compose quarrels, bring parted relatives together,
~ tavo wastrels, make mar-
riages (his own fourth
marriage, incidentally), and
generally to confer upon suf-
ering humanity such benefits
as may spring from the pos-
session of unaffected kindli-
ness and unlimited wealth.
The nationality of the writer
is further indicated by the
use, in her narrative and in
the mouths of British charac-
ters, of such expressions as
" stopped off," " to take
around," " she was named
for her aunt," and others of
a similar nature. As for the
sex, I think only a woman
could have described with so
much insight and shrewdly
malicious humour the dis-
tinguishing characteristics of
Mrs. Galling, Mrs. Curran,
Mrs. liaumstcr and Miss
Spmlc, the guests who adorn
Oarabas Court, and of jl/m
. Pewscy, their landlady and
host. Having accomplished this piece of detective work,
I confidently expect to be assured on authority that
E. CROSBY-HEATH is an Englishman who has neveV been
out of London and has evolved his American out of his
own inner consciousness. Bo that as it may, the hook
itself, so long as it remains in the region of Carabas Court,
is very bright and entertaining. 1 like particularly the
passage m which Mr. Wallace describes the merits of his
three deceased wives to the astonished "guests" of Miss
Pewsey. If 1 might hint a fault it would be that the long
arm of coincidence must be tired out by the work put upon
it; that the Hats are, perhaps, inadequately "jined," and
that the sentiment is too freely sugared. 1 should add that
Mr. Spencer K. Wallace has his moments of human weak-
ness. As expectant Governor of his native State he promises
benefits to one of his numerous proteges : " I shall fill my
plhoe but poorly," he says, "if I can't shake a few plums
into your pocket." Nothing could well bo franker as an
avowal of political principles.
OUR VETERANS' CORPS.
Sergeant (to learned professor, greatest livinj authority on GrceJc
particles, who ;«js turned to the right instead of tlw left). " USE
YOUR BRAINS, 'SlRl USE YOUR BRAINS— IF YOU'VE GOT ANY."
How to fill up a Leisure Hour.
"Portsmouth, 20 Fob. 'lj
n'"1 Wasma"-ic<l yesterday. Tho weather is a bit
for mine sweep.,,-. Your affectionate son, JIM."
TO *'lji:>'1». OR THE Ix»MlJl>« Clf IKtTAftl." — MfcECH 3, 1913.
i/lc
OUR
^VOLUNTARY
ARMY
<^J^ ,,//'">LL
, ^ UJ&Mbiktk
ft* «^?"^' ^ TjH ^j^l
HL / '^r'.^^a^mf^^mi^'Mft.
BEST REST FOR THE QUEEN'S RIFLE.
July 7, I860.
Queen Victoria reviewed, in Hyde Park. 18,000 Volunteers beloniint
to the National Volunteer Association, established in 18S9.
•TUNCH" OFFICE, 10 BOUVEBIE STEEET, LONDON. E.G.
,H,NT m "Pencil, on THE LONDON CHAHIVARI."— ilAuni 3, 1015.
OUR VOLUNTARY ARMY.
t
THE VOLUNTEER MOVEMENT.
JONES AKD FAMILY oo UNDEB CANVAS. .
THOSE HORRID BOYS AGAIN!
(to distinguished Volunteer}. "Now, CAPTINQ ! CI.KAN VLB BOOTS, AND LET YER 'ATE A Snoi AT ME FOB A PENNY!"
SurPLKUKHT TO " PUSCH, OB T1US LOMDOH CuAKIVAU."— MARCH 3, 1915.
OUR VOLUNTARY ARMY.
0
A CAUTION.
Old Gent (with difficulty). "Now REALLY — OH! — THIS DIS — GRACEFUL CROWDING — I'M — I'M POSITIVE MY Gen
WILL Go OFF! "
HARD ON COOK.
"TlIE 'ORIIID MESS MASTER. MADE MY HITCHING IN, AND HI8SELF TOO, A-CLEANINO THAT THKBE DRATTED RlFLJE,
HE'D BEEN A BOOVIACKIN' IN THE PARK."
uiTI.EHKNT TO " PCSOO, Oil TUB LoSDOS ClUlllTABI."— MiBCll 3, If 15.
OUR VOLUNTARY ARMY.
DIVERSIONS OF DRILL.
Insubordinate Recruit (falling out). " 'TAINT THE FUST TIME, MISTER ADJUTANT, YOU "vu CALLED ME A ' ODD FILI-; '
-BLOWED IF I STAND IT ANY LONOEE — THERE ! 1 "
V^
RECOLLECTIONS OF THE REVIEW.
THE GROUND HKING \I:JIY UUKVKN AND FUIX OF HOLES, THK "MARCHING TAST:' OF. OUR COMPANY WAS L?:SS
"LIKE A WALL" THAN USUAL.
Slil-l-I.BMRVl To '• J'l ,." M , ,
OUR VOLUNTARY ARMY.
OUR INSPECTION.
Lieutenant-Colonel. " HULLO I CONFOUHD n I THEEE 's A MAN BLOWING
IlAM'KI'.KClUEF, TOal TUT-T-T-T-T t "
ma NOSE — AHD WITH & Pocm-
A LITTLE BRUTE.
First Boy. "THAT'S A 'ANSOM-CAD HOBSE, THAT is I"
Second Boy. "WHAT, 'IM?"
First Boy. "An, 'CAUSE HE LIVES rst oint MKWS; COST A LOT o" Moirer, nn nm— TEK SovEnraciis ! 'C
MT FATHER KNOWS Tin: MAX AS DRIVES — " [Further revelations drowned by thwuieriny word of command from
Adjutant, who wheels off in disgust.
Srrri i:MK\r iu "l'i N< <l, on liu: LONDON OIIAKIVARI."— M Allen 3, 101''
OUR VOLUNTARY ARMY.
_- -- v . j-s.- ( ,-. ..
^jS^-r*^
^£^-Z&**5
DIVISION OF LABOUR.
Facetious Volunteer Sub. " I>OOK HKRE, CAPTAIK; I'M TIRED OP THIS PUN. Do YOU MIND LOOKING AFTER
THB MKN WHJI.B I GO AND CET TAKES PRISONER?"
BACK
THE ENEMY.
llnrril Roy (to newly-aj>pnint,;l Vnluntcer Major, u-lio finds the military seat vcn/ awkward). " SIT
, a*W*RAil You '1.1. JUKI; ins 'KAD ACHE!"
SlMllMKM rO'Tl rCH, OI ll!i: I..MI..S ClIUU II. I ' M
OUR VOLUNTARY ARMY.
OUR YEOMANRY.
Sergeant-Major. "NUMBKR THREE, WHERE'S YOUR SWORD?"
Jlecruit (who finds practice very different from theory). "On TIIF. GROUND. CAHN'T n •
OUR RESERVES.
Adjutant. " Aui; YOU THE COSSACK POST?" Ymmanrii Servant. " YKS, SIR."
Adjutant. " WIIKRK is IOUB DISMOUOTKD SESTRT?" Sergeant. "Up THKUK. sn;."
Adjutant. "WnERB AW: YOUR VEDETH-IS?" Sergeant. "OvKii THKUK, SIR."
Adjutant. "AH— WHAT is A VEDETTE?" Sergeant (producing drill-book). •• P'BAHJ THIS I.H-II.K KKI> BOOK MI..IIT
jiKi.r YOU, HIP.."
-i,v;MKs*r TO " PUNCH, on TUB Ix>M»ot> CHARIVARI." — MARCH 3, 1915.
OUR VOLUNTARY ARMY.
VOLUNTEER MANCEUVRES.
Suixilfem. " RE-TIRE | EE-TIRE I OONPOUN* THOSE FELLOWS I "
Corporal. " TAM'T ANT USE 6ta«ALLiKa TO iHf.w, SIB. THEY'RE com' TO STAY WHERE THEY Ann AN'
OKI TOOK PniSONKES COMFQETABLE. . As' THBT HAIN'T NO BAD JUDGB KEITH I-Ul 1 "
AUTUMN MANCEUVRES
I '.M- TO "I I Mil. OK Till lX>BDO*UBABirA*I.~— -MAr.cn 3. l"n.
OUR VOLUNTARY ARMY.
ARMS OF PRECISION.
Volunteer Subaltern (as the enemy's scout continues to advance in spite of expenditure of muclt " blank " ammunition).
Ar, Y HUMAN COMES AMX NEAJUJU, BUS STOKES uc mu. EOUJE o» vou ' "
1 IP TUAI
_ „ ,.__ ^.Jk . . V • •• -• •
L cv '*/'-.*i't-
• •
GENTLE IRONY.
(lo almost inavJiilc Sub. instructing sz«ad}. " NOT <JCITK so MASS OF IUKSE cWJ"U>i:.Yr/4L OBDEBS, StBt "
10 "Puwcn, OR THE LONDON CHAIUVABI.*'— MAHO; 3, 1915.
10
OUR VOLUNTARY ARMY.
OUR YEOMANRY MANOEUVRES.
"WE WEKE POSTED OS THE EXTREME HIOHT, AND HAD NOTHING TO DO UNTIL THE CRITICAL, MOMENT OF THB
INOAOEMENT. WE THEN ATTACKED THE ENEMY IN FLAKE. OuB CHARGE ACROSS THE LEVEL WAS r.RAND, AND
WOULD HAVE BEEN TEBFECT BUT FOR A 6LIGHT CHECK AT A DITCH."
I
OUR REVIEW.
THE COLONEL is WONDER.NG WHAT MAN.KUVRK HE OU«HT TO KXKCUTB IT. THE
70 "rum, u» m« loam* CBAJUTABI. — HABCI j, iois.
OUR VOLUNTARY ARMY.
11
FORE AND —
Sergeant. " BACK A LITTLE, Nfunr-n PIVB I "
AFT!
Sergeant. "Up A LJTILF., NUMBEB FIVE I "
12
OUR VOLUNTARY ARMY.
A FORLORN HOPE.
Captain O'Dowd (of Hie Firm of O'Dowd and Jones, Stock-jobbers). "Wnvr'tL I DO NOW? IT'S nrronn MB
POWERS, AN' IF I WADK I 'i.i, UK WKT TO THE WAIST." (To Private HaUcran, who in civil life is a stockbroker' s clerk)
" HUBS, HALLOBAN, I WANT A CABBY OVER. You DO IT FOB ME, AN' I'LL NOT POEQET IT TO YOU, ME LAD."
Private Halloran. " SORRY, I CAN'T, CAPTAIN. You KNOW CARRYIS'-OVER DAY is NOT TILL THI: SIXTEENTH, is'
mis la ONLY THE SKVFNTK I "
THE PERILS OF MIMIC WAR,
Motor T,imtt.nint Motor Volunteer Corp, (to General in his chtrye). " I SVY, Sm, IP WE "—(bump !)-" urSET '
-(bang !)— "SHALL I c.v.T"—(lntmp1 bang!)-"* MILITARY FUNERAL TOO?"
TO "IVxcn, oa TinT,.xi«)« duain«i."-lf i*. » »,
OUR VOLUNTARY ARMY.
13
•'NV^ '
EASTER MANOEUVRES.
•t. "YOUR ORDERS ABE, THAT WHEK YOU ABE ATTACKED, CAPTAIN SLAM1KII, YOU ABE TO FALL
Capt. Slasher. " IK WHICH DIRECTION AM I TO RETIRE, Sm?"
Adjutant. " WKLL, THH PROPEB WAT, OF CODBSE, WOULD BE OVEB THAT HILL, BUT TUET usTtao n mArm
Luxca BEmxD THAT FARIIUOUSE IN THE VALLET."
CIVILIAN AND SOLDIER TOO.
" Haldane Terrier" (a liitU lute for parade) . "I WONL.HI WHAT THE DEUCK TIIM- WAMT TO BOTHEB KB ABOUT mow?'
-,,.:. T TO "PUSLU, on TUB LONDON CuAravAm."-MAncn 3, 1015.
14
OUR VOLUNTARY ARMY.
' •
'^ ^
A VERISIMILITUDE.
Territorial. "WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK OP oun MANCEUVRES, BILL? "
Second Territorial (Wvrto unacquainted, withfleld-dvji). " THANK 'BVIS wa 'VE GOT A NIVY 1 '
HORATIA HOLDS THE BRIDGE.
Territorial Officer. " BUT, MT GOOD WOMAN, IT'S ALL NONSENSE TO EXPECT us TO PAY; WE 'HE NOT
ORDINARY CIVILIANS, WE 'RE ON HIS MAJESTY'S SERVICE, DON'T YOU KNOW."
Toll-keeper. "I DON'T KNOW NOTHINK ABOUT THAT. IF YOU COMES OVER THE BIUDGE, IT'S HA'PENNY
BACH PU8SON AN' HA'PENNY EACH BICYCLE."
Territorial Officer. "Bui — En — BCPPOSK inn GERMANS CAME AJID WANTED TO GET ACROSS — -.VIIAT
\MII I.D YOU DO?" Toll-lteefer. "MAKE 'EM PAY I "
8lTfl.ltMF.liT TO "IVSCH, OR THE I.OM1O •; Cll AIHV AEI." — X < 11 11
OUR VOLUNTARY ARMY.
15
THE EMBARRASSMENTS OF WAR.
Outpost Sentry c.nd Enemy's Scout (simultaneously). " H.M.T I HANDS vr!" Sentry. "'Eac! I SAID ITFIBST!"
PROBLEMS OF WAR.
Excited Kfciuit (on outpost duty fc.r the first time). "You MAS SAYS I'M CAPTURED, Sin. Ooci-D HI
MK, Sin? THRIVE WAS ONLY oxi: OF HIM. AN' OSK OP JIF."
: .-J.S.VT TO "PVSCH. OR TDK LONDOS Cn A 11ITA»L '- lARCH I, UU.
1G
OUR VOLUNTARY ARMY.
fU'nlry (fiercely). " HALT I WHO GOES THERE ? "—(Pause, then miUltii)—"l SAY, YOU MIGHT 'AM WHEN I
ASKS YOU."
Territorial (his first experience as sentry, going over /its instructions). " IF ANY ONE COMES ALONO, T SAY,
•TTAI.T! WHO (iOKS TIIKUK'." THKN HE SAYS, 'FRIKND,' AND I SAYS, ' PASS, FRIEND; xr.i/s WKi.r,.' Bui
BOMB SILLY ASS 'LI. SAY, ' KNFMY,' AND THKN I SHAN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. ROTTEN JOB, I CAM. rr."
• • I'' m B, I %IHVAKI."— JUH'-.I
OUR VOLUNTARY ARMY.
17
OJjlctr of the Day. "REPEAT YOUB OHDEIIS.
Sentry. "On so ACCOUSI TO WAKB m« SEIICEAKT, SIB I"
Adjutant of Imperial Yeomanry (to sentry). "War THE DKCCE DIDS'T TOO CHAUJtso«T"
1:. • Bccntit (who has been warned of a possible surprise visil). " Aw— AW KF.KSED T« wus COMH'."
guiTLEMEKT TU " Pl'SMI, OK TUB LONDOS ClIAIHVAHI."-- MARCH 3, 1915.
OUR VOLUNTARY ARMY
KIM— Early Spring. Weather— Wintry.
ItibaU Spectator (to wgetic Territorial busily flng-wa^iny). " FANNIN' TEESELF, CAPTIV ? "
Quartermaster (examining candulatesfor the Territorial Medical Corps). " ASD, NOW, UIIEREATJOVTS is youn sri.KF,:-; ? '
Jonet (at a venture). "Ix MY KIT-BAO, Sin."
HUITLIUII M I'l •' I'l sell, .JK 111' .
OUR VOLUNTARY ARMY.
19
Incomplete Yeoman. " BILL ! ItlLL ! THIS 'EIIB 'oss is I.KIUN.. A«AV WITH >u: :
Comrade. " THEN FOB GOODNESS' NAXKTUCK vorn FOOT OCT OP MY STIBHIT! "
First Trooper Imperial Yeomanry (diacussimj a new ojjicft-). " SWEARS A BIT, DON'T "E, sOM>rnMK8?"
Xecond Trooper. "'E's A MASTKHPITOK, 'K IB; JUST OPENS 'is MOCTH AND Z.ETS IT SAT WOT rr I.IKES."
BurU-IMBUT 10 ''rcSCII, UK THE Lu.VDUN C'UAim'AI:!." — MAIli.ll 3, 1915.
20
OUR VOLUNTARY ARMY.
EASTER MAIMCEUVRES.
Medical Ojficer. '.'.WHAT DID YOU DO FIBST os ALL?" Ambulance Man. "GAVE 'IM SOME EEANDT, 8a."
Medical Officer. " QUITE EIGHT; BUT WHAT WOULD YOU HA.VK DONE IF YOD HADN'T HAD AJSY BEANDY?"
Ambulance Man (promptly). " PfiOMisEO "ur SOME I*
A CONVINCING ARGUMENT.
(visiting outpost). " IF YOU SAW osr. OP THE ENEMY, WHAT WOULD YOU DO?" Scnlry. "I CALLS 'nt TO
• "Bl '''•" l; :": ''' x'' HAM?" Sentry (with relish). "I TAKES AND 'USTS 'IM wty ME BAYONNIT."
TO "PL'xcn, on TIIK J.OIDO* Cn.iniviiii.'1 M.-.nrti
OUR VOLUNTARY ARMY.
PLAUSIBLE.
Initt' Major. "Way DON'T YOU COME AND HKLP ME OUT INSTEAD OF STANDING THERE GRINNING UKB A TYPHOID IDIOT?'
Scout. "I THOUGHT PERHAPS YOU WAS TAKING COVEB, SlR ? "
THE IMPATIENT WARRIOR.
Territorial (put on sentry over stores). " ARF-PAST FOUR AND NO BLOOUIN' WAR YET I"
•2-1
BCPPI.KIIKNT TO "Ttmuii; oR"ritifLoKt>os
OUR VOLUNTARY ARMY.
"-MARCH 3, 1915.
THE RULING SPIRIT.
Territorial Sentry (by profession a telephone operator). " ARE YOU THERE ? "
O. H. M.S.
Territorial (<jiving himself away to proprietor of coal-heap). " GOULD YOU LEKD us A BUCKET OF COAL
UNTIL IT'S DABK?"
8UIT1.EMKKT TO " TuNCn, OH THE LiOMDuN ClUr.lVAIU.''— UAf.CH 3, 1911.
OUR VOLUNTARY ARMY.
2.J
THE BULL-DOG BREED.
Officer. "Now, MT IJID, DO TOD KNOW WHAT TOO ABB PI.ACED HERE FOB?"
Jiccruit. "To PRBVKNT THE HKNEMY FROM IJJJD1N', SlE."
Officer. "AND DO TOU THINK THAT TOU COULD PREVENT HIM LATOINO ALL BT yocasKLF?1'
liecruit. "DON'T KNOW, SIB, I'M SUBE. BUT I'D HAVE A DAM GOOD TBT! "
TRAINING IN THE PARK.
OT.D GBNILEMAN ENGAGED IN QUIET SIESTA IN KENSINGTON GARDENS BUDDENI.T WAKES TO PIWD nnc-
-BEL.F IN THE ABOVB AI,AUMINO SITUATION AND HASTILY CONCLUDED THAT TUB (JERMVN8 HA\"B ABRIVEB.
SUPPLEMENT TO " PuMCH, OB TOE LONDON CHA P.IVA.RI."- MjLACH S,
OUR VOLUNTARY ARMY.
AU REVOIR!
ry, Atnew * Co., Ltd.,
J.oiuioii 1 Tonbrklge.
MABCH 10, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON rilAKI YAKI.
j-i
CHARIVARIA.
THE Kiilnischf Zcitung has paid Mr.
Punch tho cotnplimenfc of devoting to
him an ontiro article— written hy no
less a personage than a llerr Professor.
To our unspeakable regret |io finds
some of our cartoons lacking in
reverence for the KAISKK ; ho even
uses tho word " blasphemous" in one
passage. Mr. Punch will, of course,
be more careful in the future ; one ia so
dreadfully apt to forget that the KAISEB
is a Divinity. # *
*
"Germany," says a Berlin contem-
porary, " lias no intention of fight-
ing with kid gloves." Quito so.
Captain KIDD didn't wear any.
we are surprised that our contemporary '
did not publish a picture of this costume
in its Monster Fashion Number.
* *
It ia not uninteresting to note thai
Italy's desire to bo of service to tbo
Allies is of no mushroom growth. We
are told that some of the Belgian
canals which permitted such a stubborn
defence against tho German invaders
were constructed during the Roman
occupation by NEKO CLAUDIUS DBUSUS.
* <c
A correspondent writes to inform us
that a well-known Dairy Company
supplied him, on February 28th, with
* *
'
The fact that the War is cost-
ing us over a million a day makes
one wonder whether there may
not be an opening for cheaper
wars. Estimates are being invited
from a few of the South American
republics. „. .;:
There are many signs that the
Sale Season is now on us. For
instance, we raid the other day
in our Near Eastern news, "FouK
FOUTS REDUCED" — and the Turks
themselves, we understand, are
now feeling very cheap, and may
wake up any day to find that they
have been sold at under cost price.
* *
*
" ALLIED FLEET IN DESPERATE
STRAITS"
ia no doubt how the Germans,
exercising their natural gift forN
garbling facts, described our visit
to the Dardanelles.
ever, is really that of Mr. Edwin Evans,
junr." Now what wo want to know
is this: Has Mr. EDWIN EVANS, jnnr.,
been spanked by Mr. KHWIN EVANH,
senr., for placing bis poor father in
such an awkward position?
Wo are not surprised to hoar that
Corporal JKNKIN of tho 1st Battalion
London Rifle Brigade succeedi-d in
capturing a German flag at the Front.
Corporal JKNKIN is an artist, and it
was only natural that ho should make
for the colours. ^ ^
Life's little tragedies ! Extract from
the current number of The Author:
— " We regret that tho work
' Vidyapati,' translated by Ananda
Coomaraswamy and Arun Son,
was wrongly classified in our
February issue under ' Miscel-
laneous. The correct classifica-
tion is ' Poetry.' "
* *
"RADIUM FOB SPRING
CATARRH."
Globe.
We are always willing to make
the exchange.
" God is only with the armies
of believers," declared the KAISEB
in one of his latest speeches. And as
the Germans soom capable of believing
anything that is told them by their
newspapers it is evident that we are
badly handicapped.
* *
The new spirit in France! The
Moulin Rouge has been burnt down.
* *
Dr. SVEN HEDIN baa again been
invited to be the KAISEB'S guest at
the Front, and wo should say that
he runs some danger of becoming
Sveld Hedin. ^ #
*
"DRAMATIC OUTBURST AGAINST
WIDOW.
DEFENDANT IN BANK-NOTE SUIT CALLS HEB A
'MONBTEB.' "
Daily Mirror.
Check suits wo have heard of, but a
bank-note suit is something new, and
"ALL RIGHT, PASHA — WE'VE GOT 'ALF THE
DARDANELLKS TEH WASH IN 1 "
A Great Enfilading Feat.
" Mr. R. J. H. writes — ' I am ex-
tremely pleased with the •32- Bore High
Power Savage Rifle. It is a marvellous
rifle for tho size of the bore. You will
be pleased to hear I have shot one Blue
Bull, one Cheetah, two Black Buck,
two Leopards, and a Mugger all with a
single shot.' "—Advt. in "Allahabad
Pioneer."
The attention of the War Office
ought to be drawn to the killing
powers of this wonderful weapon.
But "R. J. H." deserves some
credit, too, for manoeuvring so as
to get all his victims, including the
Mugger, into line before be fired.
some eggs dated March 1st. It cer-
tainly speaks well for the patriotism
of our British hens that, in their
anxiety that there should be no shortage
of food here, they should actually be
laying eggs a day in advance.
Mr. FBANK CUBZON is producing at
the Prince of Wales's Theatre a new
farce entitled " He didn't want to do
it." It sounds like a play about the
KAISEB.
* *
Mr. EDWIN EVANS writes to The
Observer : — " Allow me to correct the
' Saying of tho Week ' in yours of the
21st inst., that Mr. Edwin Evans con-
siders German ascendency in music to
belong to the remote past. Readers of
my translation of Wagner's ' Opera and
Drama,' or of my ' Brahms," are sure
to wonder at this view, which, how-
The Eternal Masculine.
" By some gratuitous malice of nature those
bachelor survivals seem to be generally cook
birds."— Field.
The Turkey- Trot— New Version.
From The Daily Mail's account of the
attack on the Suez Canal : —
" The enemy remaining entrenched dashed •
forward to tho attack in the Plain of the
Hyenas."
How the natives must have laughed I
"Ernest was at home assisting his father
in his dying and finishing business and was
an enthusiastic member of tho U.V.F., being
half company commander in his father's
company. He followed Sir Edward Carson's
advice, and joined the New Army."
M id- Ulster Mail.
So now EBSEST will assist the KAISEB
in his " dying and finishing business."
TOL. CXLVIII,
182
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [MARCH 10, 1915.
THE EPSOM-AND-ASCOT BRIGADE.
WHO fears to speak of Derby Day?
What foot that ever trod its floor
From Ascot Heath would turn away
Just for a little tiling like War?
Be it not said, to Britain's shame,
That any sporting man forsook his
Devotion to the noble Game,
The hallowed trade of touts and bookies.
Each to his task. On land or foam
Others may figure at the Front,
But wo have duties nearer home;
England expects that we should punt;
She also holds that on our heads
Is laid the patriot's obligation
To exercise her thoroughbreds
And keep them worthy of the nation.
If merely galloped in a string,
Without a Derby or a Cup,
Nor taught to face the betting-ring,
The breed would simply crumple up;
Unless for heavy stakes they run,
The chivalry that we so cherish,
By which our pride of race was won,
La ultimately bound to perish.
And what about their knightly dues,
Those heirs of ARTHUR'S Table Round,
Who ride for honour — shall they lose
Their annual thirty thousand pound?
Yet, if you close your paddock gates,
Our jockeys, poor embarrassed phantoms,
Would pine away upon the rates
(Unless they went and joined the Bantams).
Let Oxford echo with the tramp
Of athletes on the fighting quest;
Let Cambridge be an armed camp
With Henley scratched and all the rest ;
These are but amateurs of sport
Without a decent bet to flavour it,
Not like the true and turfy sort
Whose business is to back the favourite.
Don't tell me how our neighbours view
Our sporting schemes with eyes askance;
What do they know of England — pooh ! —
Who only know the ways of France?
Her sport is just to fight and die,
Forgetting Longchamps' proud tradition;
But, War or no War, we will cry,
'•EACING AS USUAL — that's our mission!"
====== 0> S>
UNWRITTEN LETTERS TO THE KAISER.
No. XVI.
(From the Itev. HEXHY HOLESWORTH, Fairwell Vicarage,
Bucks.)
WILL your Majesty pardon me if I venture for a few
moments to address myself to a person so sublime as your-
self? I am encouraged to do so by the belief that, when
all is said and done, you, with your store of gorgeous
uniforms, with your immense armies moving obediently at
your word, with your millions of subjects and the serried
ranks of your flatterers commending your wisdom as
though it were divine and chanting your power as though
it were infinite and immutable — you, I think, aro only a
man like myself, an unfeathered two-legged thing, tossed by
circumstance and blown about by the gusty winds of
merely human passion. Your work, such as it is, is done
in the glare of publicity and to the sound of big guns
dooming thousands to death. I have my duty laid out for
me in this quiet village ; but some day the tremendous
hour will begin to strike for each of us ; our dear familiar
tilings will lade and we shall be summoned to that dread
tribunal where each shall give an account of his deeds.
When that comes about it will profit you as little to have
been great and worn a crown as it will avail me to plead
my own obscurity and the humble nature of my tasks.
Howitzers on that day will be as useless as hymns, and a
military cloak will be no better defence for you than a
cassock for me. I conclude, therefore, that we may talk
together on equal terms.
This, as I say, is a quiet village, and we are said to be a
slow folk. We discuss the weather, the price of wheat, the
heavy amount of the rates, the poor supply of cottages and
their high rent, and the more obvious aspects of political
affairs. Before last August the thought of war had not
been in our minds, and even when war came and we realised
that we must take our share of it there was no sudden flame
of excitement, but rather a steady glow of earnest resolution,
deepening as the days went by. Since then we have come
to know what war is. Fifty of the men of this district,
splendid fellows from all ranks of life, have joined the
colours. Six of these will never see their home and their
village again. Four others have come back maimed and
drag their slow steps about the roads, but the only thought
of these is to get well quickly and return to the lighting-
line. We speak now of Belgium and the unforgettable
sufferings and outrages you have put upon her, and our
prayers go forth for the success of our arms and those of
our allies. Yes, the thoughts of men and the values of
things have been deeply changed by six months of war.
For me, too, there has been much searching of heart.
When Belgium was laid waste and her people massacred ;
when Scarborougli and Whitby were bombarded and women
and children were wantonly done to death ; when your
Admirals threatened to sink inoffensive merchantmen with
their crews — then, I confess it, a llame leapt up within me
and I asked myself of what use my manhood and my
strength, and my thews and sinews hardened by the sports
of youth, could be to me unless I employed them in fighting
actively with my brothers for the country that gave me
birth and sheltered me. Even a clergyman of (fhirty-three
might learn his drill and in a short time help to fill a
trench. So I thought and all but decided to present myself
at the recruiting station and take my chance with the rest.
But I paused and, as I think, 1 rightly paused. Here was
my duty ; to this my vows had bound me and I had no
right to shirk doing it in order to follow the easier path.
After all it was no small thing to be allowed to pray, to
sustain, to comfort, and in carrying out my profession with
all my heart and soul I might yet be helping to strike a
blow at the accursed system which you represent and
glorify. Thus reasoning I have stayed at home with my
people. We help one another in the daily round and bear
with such resignation as we can command the many shocks
and fevers of the War, not faltering in our determination
and rejoicing that we have so dear a country to serve.
HENRY MOLESWORTH.
"We are informed that many British officers have arrived in Cairo
from the Canal on short furlongs." — Times of Egypt.
The way seems shorter when the end is joy.
PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CIIAIM VAItl. M.M.CH 10. 1'Jir,.
THE SULTAN 'OVER THE WATER."
MEHMED V. (to Constantinople). "I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE YOU, BUT I THINK I OUGHT TO GO."
MARCH 10, 1915.]
I'UNCH, 01! TIIK LONDON CHAIMVAIM.
I-:,
A PATRIOTIC SACRIFICE.
Very British Guest. " WHAT ! BRAHMS? You 'BE BUBBLY NOT QOINO TO siso
Hostess (apologetically). "WELL, OF COURSE I SHALL TAKE CAKE TO SINO IT FLAT.
A SINGING REFUGEE.
Gabrielle couldn't make it out. In
the first place she had a conversational
turn of mind, hut, excepting her father
and mother, three sisters and three
toothers, there was nobody in this dull
Sussex village to whom her remarks
conveyed anything whatsoever. Men
palled her on the head, women kissed
her, and because her father had fought
and bled for the brave KING ALBEHT
littlo English gamins loudly cheered
him and his family when he limped
clown the street. All these people had
kind faces, but what was the use of
that ? In essentials they were precisely
alike— she couldn't understand ono of
them, and it was very, very dull. And
hero was Gabriello sitting on a hedge-
bank, playing with the fallen berries
in her black pinafore, while overhead
sang the chaffinch — a song she had
heard before.
It was sonic silly rhyme about the
big black tree-buds, perhaps, or the
first celandine, with now and again a
little "chink, chink, chinking" call to
his mate, but the queer pait was that
he sang in Flemish. Only last Spring
she had heard the very same song ; he
had sung it from the red-tiled roof at
home, he had sung it from the stiff
garden hedgerow, till Gabrielle, clatter-
ing over the stone-paved paths with
her brothers and sisters, all in wooden
sabots, frightened him away.
There could be no mistaking him ;
clearly they wouldn't have the chaffinch
in Flanders this year. This was the
reason he had followed Gabrielle all the
way to England. But when she asked
him questions about homo at the rate
of twenty a minute he didn't know the
answers. Had he by any chance come
across her big conscript brother,
Francois; and how was Gustavo
getting on? — Gustave, who was to
have married her sister Victorine next
Easter, but instead was lying in a
French hospital with a bullet through
his leg. The chaffinch didn't know,
didn't care, and merely hopped to the
longest budding twig in sight, singing
his heartless song, with the refrain over
and over again : " Pink, pink, chinkety
chink " — or sounds to that effect.
Perhaps he had called to pay his
respects on Gabrielle at home and
found her out; perhaps, looking into
the white-walled cottage with his blue-
capped head on one side, he had seen
the old black -cat playing with the
bobbins of Yictorine's lace pillow ; that
would have scared him off the window-
sill, but not out of Flanders. What
did it all mean? And why couldn't
he tell her things that she wanted to
know ?
But the chaffinch couldn't, and
Gabrielle, after calling him rude names,
suddenly fell a-laughing and skipped
about the road just because it was
Springtime, and she was nine years
old and had heard the first chaffinch
of the year singing his careless chinking
song— a song she had heard before.
At dinner, over the ragout and leeks,
Gabrielle told her three sisters and
three brothers how that another littlo
Fleming, whom she knew very well
indeed at home, hod comu to live in
that village ; he wore a red waistcoat
and a chestnut-coloured coat with
white-sloshed sleeves, and sang sweet
foolish songs about the Spring — and
lie didn't even know there teas a War.
186
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 10, 1915.
,
A CAT OF WAR.
DKAII Mn. PUNCH,— I 'm sure T don't
want to bd spiteful, and I 'm as ready
to sink class and party differences as
any. nc>, if only some people \vlio tliink
they 'ro gentlemen just because they
belong to ollicers would do the same,
and if I have a private quarrel 1 'in not
one who can't keep it to herself instead
of writing to the papers and rousing
public feeling: but if others liko to
start that game, why, I can play it
too; and I'm better British any day
than that mongrel that writes to you
and calls himself " A Very Glad Dog,"
and boasts of bis Airedale father and
Irish Terrier mother — and, if you ask
me, between ourselves
there wasn't much glad-
ness about him when 1 'd
finished with him on our
T.B.D. And 1 've beard
bis grandfather was a
Dachshund, and, though
I don't hold with repeat-
ing scandal, there 's a
story I wouldn't say isn't
true, that his mother
used to go to Sinn Fein
meetings and wag her
tail at the dynamite
speeches, and I 'm sure
1 hope he 's proud of her
— though he did say that
I was a dirty Persian
and much the same
thing as a Turk, just
out of spite because I
have a coat that he
might well envy with
his ugly, touslj^ yellowy
thing; it's a beautiful
steel-grey, and only the
other day the Admiral
complimented me on it
perfect lady— and if you don't believe
mo ask Jim, that 's our cook— that I 'd
never even have spat in his face, it
being war time, if he'd observed the
traditions of the Service. You might
think from his saying that he "came
back feeling pleasantly tired " that he
had it all his own way, but I may tell
you he hadn't, in spite of his superior
gun power, and if lu's afraid to go up
the rigging a ship's no place for him,
anyway. All hecould do was to sit below
and talk big about the 13'5 guns on his
boat, and that a destroyer, which shows
how much he knows about our Service.
I 'm sure you 're tired of hearing
about him now, Mr. Punch, and I don't
wonder; but I must just tell you one
v«iu<i<n-
Irish Sergeant (drilling recruits). " STIDDY THERE — STIDDY ! SHCRE, ONE
NEEDS AS MANY EYES AS A CENTIPEDE TO BE APTHEB WATCHIN.' YE."
when he came aboard after the North
Sea business— but I '11 tell you about
that later — and said he liked to see a
Service animal the Service colour.
What 'a more, if one of my ancestors
was a Persian he came from the British
sphere of influence, and, anyway, we 've
been naturalised for generations, and
the only time I ever tasted sherbet it
made me sick.
If you '11 believe me, too, there was a
rat on that boat of his for a whole
month, and the only time one came
near mine since the War I had him
before he reached the deck from the
dock wall ; and I '11 have Mr. Glad Dog
know that when he comes aboard us
he '11 salute the quarter-deck liko the
rest of us, or get his face scratched like
last time, or my name's not Susy.
That 's what started it all, you know,
Mr. Punsh. 1 won't say 1 'in fond of
dogs, but I give you my word as a
thing more to show you the kind of
dog he is. He hobnobbed with all the
German prisoners that they picked lip.
They didn't get as many as we, of
course, and I scratched three, and would
have done the lot, only Jim shut me
up in the galley. If you can't scratch
your enemies, all I can say is patriotism
will go to the dogs, and a precious mess
they 'II make of it.
They might have given me a free
claw with the prisoners too, because,
though I don't say that the men and
the guns and the ships didn't all do
their work as well as it could be done,
and I was never one to boast, / was
really responsible for that victory. You
see we were the first boat to sight the
Gorman cruisers, and 1 knew there
was big business going, because Jim
had forgotten my milk, and the light
was bad, so I was up on the look-out
to help Bill. / saw them a long time
before I could make him notice, and
he nearly throw me down because I
scratched his hand, but he told every-
one afterwards about my having dis-
covered them, and I 'm not the sort to
bear malice. " CouLln't make out what
was wrong with Susy, mate," ho went
about saying to 0:10 after another.
" She kept clawing and yowling like
mad, and she'd been purring quite
quiet a minute before ; and then I sees
sha was staring all the time to star-
board, and, ' Begob, old lady,' says I,
'you're right.' And then she makes
for the wifeless room, and the chap he
tells me she was purring louder than
the engines while he sends off the
message." Do you wonder that they
all say they wouldn't go
into action without moV
1 told you wo had the
Admiral aboard just
afterwards, and he was
introduced to me, but I
must say that, though
1 'in no snob and don't
want to bo prejudiced
against him just because
he's an Admiral and
has a bigger yellow
band on his fur than I'd
call good taste, I didn't
care for him as much
as Jim or Bill for all
his politeness. He never
picked me up, though I
stood up against his legs
without ever putting a
claw out and purred my
hardest. Still, I 'm a
ship's cat, and I leave
toadying to them that
like it.
Well, good-bye now,
Mr. Punch. We don't see
you as regularly as we 'd
like on active service, but I '11 bo watch-
ing out for this, and trust you '11 let your
readers know the rights of the matter.
I have, Sir the honour to be,
Your obedient Servant,
A RESPECTABLE H.M. CAT.
P.S. — Perhaps you'd like to know
that I always purr when I hear any of
the four national anthems. Of course,
if people haven't any ear for music
and can only make a raspy noise when
they try to sing, 1 don't blame them if
they don't pay proper respect, but I
thought I 'd just mention it.
Intelligent Anticipation.
"Miss , of Ijower-streot, Stroud, will
bo engaged to Mr. , sou of Mr. and Mrs.
, Througham, n^ar Stroud, on the 28th
February." — Gloucestershire Echo, Fob. 27th.
We rather deprecate this premature
publicity. Suppose there had bean a
bitch.
MARCH 10, 1915.1
PUNCH, OK' T1IK LONDON < 'II AIM VAKI.
is?
ARS IMMORTALIS.
Bel .oy, when all the stalwarts loft
I s women to our tasks befitting,
Your little lingers, far from doft,
Coped for an arduous week witli
knitting ;
And, though tho meekness of your Iriir,
Drooped o'er the task, disarmed my
strictures,
rmv gained when in despair
You dropped its socks to paint it
pictures.
I, knowing well your guileless brush,
I'rgod that there wanted something
subtler
To put MKISSONIER to the blush
And snatch the bays from Lady
BUTLICW ;
And so your skies retained their blue,
Nor reddened with the wrath of
nations,
To prove at least one artist know
Her public and her limitations.
A dozen warriors far away
Craved of your skill to keep them
posted
With coloured pictures day by clay,
In aught of note their birthplace
boasted ;
Ilonce tlieso "Arriving Refugees "
(Cheerful in burnt sienna) hurry
To soothe your uncle's hours of ease
In some congested hut in Surrey.
I hear that Nurse's David gets
(His valour is already FRENCH'S)
Your " Market " with the cigarettes
His sister forwards to the trenches ;
This " Cat " (for Rupert in the East),
Limned in its moments of inertia,
You send that he may show tho beast
To its progenitors in Persia.
Daily your brush depicts a home
Such as our duller pens are mute on ;
Squanders vermilion, lake and chrome
And Prussian blue — that furious
Teuton ;
Paper beneath your fingers calls
For forms and figures to divide it,
Colours and cock-eyed capitals
And kisses cruciform to hido it ;
Till, brushes sucked and laid apart,
And candles lit and daylight dying,
And you asleep, your works of art
Ranged on the mantelpiece and
drying —
We elders (older when you 're gone)
Muse on our country's gains and
losses . . .
Ah, Betsey, is it you alone
Who send your kisses shaped like
crosses ?
How to get your Literature for nothing.
" KKAI> ' I'OI:I.THY ' AND MAKK YOUR FOWLS
PAY." — 1'o.iler.
"On I WHAT ABE THESE?"
"Boors, MADAM — FOB DOOS is WET WEATHEB."
"WHAT A SWEET IDEA I AND TELL ME — HAVE YOU THE PUTTEES?"
THE ISLE OF WAS.
IT is said that the inhabitants of the
onely island of Tristan da Cunha, in
he South Atlantic, have not yet heard
of the War. In view of a possible rush
;o the peaceful shores of this resort it
may be well to print a few facts about
,he island from the pen of one who has
never been there and, all being well,
will never go.
This quaint little island is the only
place in the world that does not possess
a brass band or a bagpipe, and the
simple folk living there believe khaki
;o be a vegetable popular in Bessarabia.
One of the present advantages of life
n the island is that it enjoys complete
mmunity from blockade. If a German
submarine were to approach its shores
;he residents of Tristan da Cunha would
sally forth in their boats and proceed
,o cut it open to extract its blubber.
Local opinion of tho KAISER, based
on the latest information to hand con-
cerning him, is that ho is a potentate
of considerable energy, whose world-
wide notoriety rests upon his activities
in tho studio and the pulpit.
Anyone visiting Tristan da Cunha
should take his music with him. It is
almost certain that " Sister Susie " and
" It 'a a Long Way to Tipperary " will
be all the rage there next Christmas.
The sportsmen of the island are
eagerly awaiting the result of the great
fight between CARPENTIKR and Bom-
bardier WELLS, and bets on the result
of last year's Derby are still being made.
The inhabitants of Tristan da Cunha
are great gossips. " Have you heard
tho latest?" one native will ask
another ; " I got it from a man on tho
Caroline when she called here for
water a year ago last August."
Visitors should not fail to sea the
Post Ollico. It is open on every
ninety-third day, from 10 to 2.
183
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 10, 1915.
ENGLISH MEN OF LETTERS.
AMONG certain much-needed journal-
istic reforms I should put almost first
the necessity of printing photographs
of the ladies and gentlemen who write
g to the Press. It is of the highest
importance that wo should know what
they are like, should ho able, so to
speak, to feel their humps. It would
also be a means of eliminating the
anonymous correspondent.
The principal runners in the Corre-
spondence Stakes to-day is no longer
AI,<;I-:UNON- ASHTON. What has happened
to ALGKHNON ? It is true that he retired
formally from the lists some few years
ago, leaving a hook of his letters behind;
but he returned in full force, with a
baby. The baby did wonderful things
in his father's missives — expressed his
opinion of the KAISER in no lethargic
manner; but even with this domestic
incentive ALGERNON is not what he was.
He seems to have lost his nerve. That
bold pen no longer rushes in as once
it did. It is now quite safe for a
journalist to mention 1828 as the year
of BEETHOVEN'S death. No one would
mind. But once ALGERNON, more in
sorrow than in anger, yet enormously
surprised, would have set right a misled
world by stating that the year was
really 1827. And mortar can now drop
like rain from interstices in the brick-
work of MARTIN TOPPER'S grave and
no editor be asked to find room for
ALGERNON'S grief and horror. Not that
he is wholly mute. Not at all. But he
is not what he was ; le roi est mart.
Yet he has successors.
Le roi est mart I Vivent les rois I For
the successors to the throne are twain.
It is like that of Brentford— it has
two occupants, and their names are
J. LANDFEAH LUCAS and A. KIPLING
COMMON.
Both these gentlemen are a notch
above ALGERNON. They deal with larger
events ; are more or less publicists,
while ALGERNON was content to necro-
logise and quote Haydn's Dictionary
of Dates. They deal also with ideas,
which ALGERNON scorned to do. You
find them everywhere; and J. LANDFEAR
LUCAS never omits to add to his name
the fact that he belongs to the Spec-
tacle Makers' Company. A. KIPLING
COMMON may or not make spectacles
he withholds all information about it
it is the only point on which he is
reticent. Perhaps he makes lorgnettes
or pince-nez. Perhaps the only pair ol
spectacles he ever made was at cricket
Whatever he makes, ho keeps the facl
to himself. What kind of spectacles
J. LANDFEAR LUCAS makes 1 do noi
know ; but the next time I have neec
of any I shall insist upon trying his
Give mo a pair of J. LANDFKAU
LUCAS'S," I shall say to tlio optician,
and insist upon having those and no
others. The signature of the maker
will, I am sure, be on the caso. Tlio
only fear I have is that wearing
,hem will force mo into writing letters
to the Press. Perhaps A. KIPLING
IOMMON wears a pair, and hence his
downfall.
J. LANDFEAR LUCAS'S letters would
make an enormous volume of very
mixed reading, and would need a good
index, which might be prepared by Sir
SIDNEY LEE or the Editor of Notes and
Queries. The only subject on which he
has never written is his middle name.
Why, I always want to know, does he
so dread the soil? What has it done
;o him ? His terror cannot bo complete,
because I find a letter from him in a
recent issue of Land and Water. One
must suppose that the presence of
water just saved the situation.
A. KIPLING COMMON is a more in-
spiring name to me. There is something
breezy in it- — a suggestion of gorse
bushes and heather. It cheers up any
paper in which it occurs, irrespective of
the subject of the letter above it. " And
did you once see Shelley Plain ? " was
the old question. The next generation
will ho asked, " And did you once see
Kipling Common ? " All will be able to
reply, " Yes — in all the papers."
I imagine these two gentlemen's day
to be one long excitement. They rise
early after a sleepless night and straight-
way fall on the morning papers. J.
LANDFEAR LUCAS has his spectacles on
in a jiffy, and, blue pencil in hand,
searches for slips, misapprehensions,
incomplete references, and defective
information. Meanwhile A. KIPLING
COMMON is similarly at work elsewhere.
Terrible fellows, they miss nothing.
And the joy of settling down to the
delight of composing their epistles !
" There is a pleasure in poetic pains,"
wrote COWPER, but how much greater
the pleasure in writing letters that shall
instruct and correct ! One wonders
how the Lucasian spectacles are made
at all — that he has time for anything
but single eye-glasses.
Among students of cryptograms and
such entertaining mysteries it has been
suggested that J. LANDFEAR LUCAS and
A. KIPLING COMMON are the same
Knowing that a point comes when
editors kick, one of these indomitable
correspondents invented the other in
order to bo able to write just twice as
many letters as he would otherwise be
permitted. ThelatelGNATius DONNELLY
firmly believed this ; just as FRANCIS
BACON (who in Mr. SNAITH'S new
romance passes a bad half-crown or
the Master of Balliol) and WILLIAI
SHAKSPEARE were the same, or, at any
•ate, wrote each other's works.
A comparison of the signatures re-
•eals extraordinary, nay, uncanny,
resemblances. Look at them: J. LAND-
•EAR LUCAS, A. KIPLING COMMON.
Jach, you will see, begins with an initial,
and these initials rhyme: A. and J. We
hen pass on to a middle name printed
n full, each having two syllables; and
,hen to the final surnames again, each
of two syllables. And tho two signa-
,ures exactly balance : J. LANDFEAH
L.UCAS and A. KIPLING COMMON. The
student will observe that each has the
same number of letters — fourteen—-
only one more than the fatal thirteen :
a very significant point to newspaper
•eaders. Note too the remarkable
association between Land and Com-
mon. It is only after the signature
;h at any marked difference begins, for
t is then that J. LANDFEAH LUCAS
always adds " Spectacle Makers' Com-
pany." This is, however, probably
merely a blind.
I do not press the double theory.
To me it is fantastic; but in occult
circles it is much canvassed and many
extremely interesting discussions have
jeen held. It is even rumoured that,
one midnight recently, an investigator
was shown, by a man in an iron mask,
in the faint light of a dark lantern,
Beneath one of the Adelphi arches, a
etter signed K. Lipfear Commas;
jut of this I have no proof.
I must add that no such mystery
attaches to the name of ALGERNON
ASHTON. He, at any rate, is real, and
:ias been seen playing dominoes in the
~lafe Royal.
"THE CAT I' TH' ADAGE."
["There is ... much exhortation of the
Administration to ' stand pat ' upon Ameri-
can rights, to avoid being made the cat's
paw of anybody's diplomacy." — "Times"
Washington Correspondent, ,]
Bold words! But cats who'd keep
their freedom,
Nor go where other folks would lead
'em,
Must not "stand pat" till mischiefs
hatch
But come up promptly to the scratch.
For cats and Cabinets alike
'Tis vain with velvet paw to strike;
The force of international laws
Is nil — without their penal clause.
" His eyes light up as he recalls the song
which tho Alpins sang that day : ' Nous
n'aurez pas 1'Alsaco et la Lorraine ! ' '
Daily News.
Those Chasseurs Alpins got oft lightly.
We remember an incident at school
when we made no worse a mistake in
our French lesson and there was a
great deal of trouble about it.
MARCH 10, 1915.]
PUNCH, on TIII-; LONDON CJIAIMY.UM.
IMJ
OUR LONG-SUFFERING SPECIALS.
1. " 'ANO THE BATON UPON T
'
2. " SPIN IT BOUND SHABPLY, AND THE BATON
COMES NATUHAM.Y INTO THE 'AND."
3. "go AS YOU WERE I"
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
[MARCH 10, 1915.
Fritz GoUenstein (wtio, thouyh of Teutonic extraction, has joined the force for home defence, addressing Ms steed for the first
time). "Now — COMMENCE!"
A BAED OF THE BASEMENT.
[A contemporary informs us that the Secretary of the Poetry Society
considers that much more interest is taken in poetry now than in
peace time, and instances the case of a cook who was found in her
kitchen busily writing a poem on the War.]
WITH furrowed brow and wild disordered tresses
Our former treasure, Bridget, courts the Muse ;
Of JELLICOE (while jelly coalesces)
She hymns the praise, and over Irish stews
Commemorates, in rather rocky metre,
The Dublin Fusiliers' intrepid deeds,
Deaf to the call of martyrs who entreat her
To minister to their internal needs.
The kitchener that claimed her close attention
Possesses little charm indeed to-day ;
In rugged stanzas, baffling comprehension,
She crowns with laurels silent " K. OP K " ;
Stagnant the soup and greasy grows the gravy ;
Slier lauds the " Buffs " regardless of the greens,
Or girds with caustic pen at WILHEI.M'S Navy,
Spurning the spuds to give YON TIUPITZ beans.
Though in the poet's craft success wo wish her,
Nor grudge the loss of many a toothsome dish,
\Ve mourn the halcyon days ere thoughts of FISHEII
Engrossed her, to the detriment of iish ;
Yet, when the steak is tough, the pie-crust leaden,
\Vo voice no plaint ; wo do not even frown ;
Knowing her mind intent on Armageddon,
\\o simply have to take it lying down.
WHAT WE HAVE LOST.
DEAD MR. PUNCH,— I don't know if you have noticed
what Professor SCHROER, of Cologne, has been saying
about you, hut even at the risk of causing you pain I feel
I ought to draw your attention to the unfortunate im-
pression you have created out there. The nastiest knock
is when ho says that your cartoons " lack modest
refinement." I am only raking up this unpleasant story
because the Professor fortunately explains the reason why
we have got so far astray. It seems that we " have
lost the good old Low German sense of humour which
Englishmen inherited from their German ancestors."
Now, Sir, this is a time to examine ourselves, and, if
that be true, should we not enquire whether we have not
also lost other of our national characteristics which have
reached us from the same source ? At least let us see to
it that we do not lose our love of sportsmanship, our
custom of speaking the truth, our humane conception of
warfare, or any of those other excellent qualities which we
have as obviously inherited from our " German ancestors."
I am, Yours faithfully,
PATRIOT.
Contempt of Court ?
" Mr. \V. P. Hodgson (Vallazzi the Juggler) leaving the Law
Courts, where it was said he threw eggs while flying in an aeroplane."
L'aily Mirror.
The Patriotic Spirit.
Host (looking through wine list) to guest: " Well, what
will you drink — red, white or blue? "
PUNCH. OH TI1K LONDON OHABIVAB1 -MxncH 10. 1915.
SOLDIERS ALL.
"To&iMY" (home from the Front, to disaffected Workman). " WHAT 'LD YOU TEINK O' ME, MATE.
IF I STRUCK FOE EXTRA PAY IN THE MIDDLE OF AN ACTION? WELL, THAT'S WHAT
Tot/ 'YE BEEN DOING."
MAKCH 10, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THH LONDON CHABIVABI
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
ii runM i in: Dixnv OF TODY, M.P.)
House of Commons, Monday, 1st
March. — Anotlior crisis in tho War.
Again a crowded House. Onco more
a great speech from I'HIMF, MINISTI-:K.
A special Providence ordains tliat at
sucli a crisis wo have at head of i
ft strong man endowed with gift of lucid
speech, which from its very qualities of
simplicity and honesty of purpose fre-
quently, without visible cflort, rises to
height of eloquence. Karely in its
history, perhaps never, lias IIouso
found its sympathies, convictions and
aspirations so faithfully, so fully, so
forcefully expressed as on several occa-
sions during last seven months when
ASQUITH has stood afc Table
and talked about tho War,
its purpose, its prospects,
and its inevitable accom-
plishment.
True, few Prime Minis-
ters have been sustained
and inspired in equal degree
by assurance of the confi-
dence and sympathy of a
unanimous nation repre-
sented by a united Parlia-
ment. That is a position
dillicult to win, hard daily
to live up to. With increas-
ing success the PREMIER
has achieved both successes.
His personality is worth to
the Empire an army in tho
field, a squadron of Queen
Elizabeths at sea.
There was notable in the
speech — as usual brief, since
it was not attenuated by a
superfluous word— increased
confidence in tho triumphant ending
of tho War. From tho day when,
standing in tho same place, on the
part of Great Britain he practi-
cally declared war against Germany,
PREMIER has always spoken with quiet
assurance of certain victory. Without
boastfulness he has reiterated that
conviction. This afternoon he was
more definite.
"I assure the Committee," he said,
" that with all the knowledge and ex-
perience we have gained His Majesty's
Government have never been more
confident than they are to-day in the
power of the Allies to achieve ultimate
and durable victory."
Coming in the course of his speech
;o the submarine "campaign of piracy
and pillage" undertaken by Germany
undi r the name of blockade, he spread
)ut a scrap of paper on the brass-bound
x>x, and amid repeated volleys of
cheering from both sides read the terms
of British reply. It was terse and
effective. Germany, having systemati-
cally violated tho restraining rules
and humane usages of civilised war-
fare, will, to quote an historic phrase
peculiarly appropriate to the situation,
bo loft to stew in her own juice. Tho
Allied Fleets of Great Britain and
France — not sneaking under water with
intent to destroy peaceful merchant
ships, but openly sailing tho si-
defiance of the Gorman fleet cooped up,
as tho PUEMIMR said, in "tho safe seclu-
sion of their mine-fields and their closely
guarded forts"— will preventcommodi-
ties of any kind from reaching or leaving
German ports.
Business done.— Supplementary Vote
of Credit of 37 millions to meet War
expenditure to end of financial year
BEPRISALS.
and a fresh Vote of Credit of 250
millions agreed to by acclamation.
Tuesday. — Oxford University and her
sister at Cambridge have between them
many proud records. None more stir-
ring than that recited by PRIME MINISTER
in movingSecondEeadingof awkwardly
named Universities and Colleges (Emer-
gency Powers) Bill. Tho attendance
was scanty, but there was strong
muster of University men, who listened
with profound interest to words falling
from lips of one in whom, as WALTER
LONG felicitously said, "Oxford men
claim a common possession, in regard
to whom they feel they have abundant
reason to be proud, not only for his
record at the University but for the
great part he is at the present moment
playing in the history of the country."
PREMIER had moving story to tell" of
transformation wrought at the Univer-
sities. Their halls are deserted. Their
examination schools and playing fields
are occupied by hospitals. The pick
of their scholars and the llov.
their athletes have alike g,,ne
t-ho War. No fewer than 4,000 I '
sity men, two-thirds of tho full n
'i''<; in .Of those that r.
all tho physically lit have joined the
• lining Corps.
Amongst innumeral.li! cvidt nces ol
patriotism forthcoming since tliu K
wantonlydragged unwilling Knro|
the war pit this example of tho Uni-
versities surely shines with unmatched
splendour.
Financial consequences embarrass-
ing. No undergraduates, no fees. At
Cambridge revenue from this source,
amounting in normal times to over
£00,000 a year, is reduced by one-half.
" As an old Oxford man, with great,
undiminished, undying de-
votion to my own Univer-
sity," the PREMIER pleaded
for new power to be con-
ferred upon the heads of
the Universities to meet
the special claims and
responsibilities that have
sprung up. WALTER LONG,
formerly of Christ Church,
speaking on behalf of the
Opposition, warmly wel-
comed the Bill, which was
forthwith read a second
time.
Business done. — Defence
of the Bealm Bill
through Committee.
Thursday. — The case of
Mr. MEYER, his timber
purchases, and his modest
commission, up again for
discussion. BECK, on behalf
of his Chief at Board of
Works, gives frank and full
explanation. BONAR LAW chivalrously
declares that method adopted by
Government was " best possible in
circumstances."
In interesting study of proclivities of
contractors in war time, Mr. BARLOW,
who represents Salford in present Par-
liament, leaving for a while the com-
pany of his young friends, Sandford
and Merlon, told in his best form one
of his many stories. A battalion of
recruits being raised in provinces, a
purchase of boots was arranged. It
was found that the soles were liable to
contract an inconvenient habit of part-
ing from tho uppers before first mile of
march was completed.
Boots returned to contractor. A
few months later further supplies re-
quired for increasing number of recruits.
Application made to another firm.
Goods delivered. There were found
among them 1.5CO pairs of the old lot.
" The only difference," Mr. BARLOW
added in his persuasive voice, " was that
194
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI'.
[M.utcH 10, 1915.
WHAT THE WAR OFFICE HAS TO PUT UP WITH FROM INVENTORS.
1. THE BOMB-CATCHER.
the price had been increased by Is. 9d.
a pair. "
Business done. — Consolidated Fund
Bill read a second time. Army Annual
Bill passed.
A Study in Pronunciation.
A correspondent kindly sends us a
page from the " English - Flemish
Military Guide for the present cam-
paign." Under the heading " How to
Prounonce (sic) some vowels " is the
following direction : —
" UI as giving to the first e in eye the sound
of a in pluck."
This seems sufficient to explain why
our Army swore so terribly in Flanders.
A Miltonian Lay.
" Mrs. Hilton Henn can supply twice
weekly in Limerick ; new laid buttered eggs
—1/6 a dozen. "—Limerick Chronicle.
From a Variety programme : —
"MAMMOTH BEAUTY CHORUS OP OVER 70."
St;ll they must be quite young for
mammoths.
The Decline of a German Verb.
I hate, \\'o hate
Thou hatest. U 8,
I to hates. They hate.
GOD'S AFFLICTED.
[A Tribute to the Kaiser's Agents in
British India, who have added to the
gaiety of Nations.]
THEEE lived a man in Germanie
(Hey ! Ho I The Goth and the Hun)
Who said, " These British wax too free ;
By air and water, land and sea
They now shall be outdone.
'Tis ours to lift their tyrant yoke
From off all God-respecting folk ;
In a word, to undermine their Empire."
Thus was the game begun.
So he sent his word to the Elder Folk
(Sing hey ! for India's coral strand),
And they heard the things his hirelings
spoke
As those who list to a tasteless joke
But they let him show his hand.
And some waxed merry and soon forgot,
And many were they who heard him not,'
But most said," This is a God's Afflicted:
There let the matter stand."
But some sat down by the village well
(Sixteen annas make one rupee)
Reasoning thus— "There are talcs to
sell ;
They are not true, but who will tell ?
What shall the story ho ?
Rice and toddy are cruelly dear;
Can there be no sedition here ?
This Creature pays for talk of mutiny ;
Set the invention free."
There were three poor men of Chatnam-
pore
(And Chatnampore is but the least),
But these three men are poor no more,
For one has bought himself land
galore
And one had a wedding feast.
When rents were heavy and rains de-
layed,
They lied— and God's Afflicted paid,
And the wife of the third has now gold
earrings ;
Greatly are all increased.
The cloud has broken, the song is sung
(Hey ! Ho ! for the lies they told),
For the man of Germanie was young
And like to a colt by the gadfly
stung,
While they of the East are old.
But some there are whose wealth has
sped,
Who rend the beard and shave the
head
For the dear dead days of God's
Afflicted,
Whoso madness turned to gold.
MARCH 10, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR TIIK LONDON CHARIVARI.
195
BRITISH OFFICKK AS SEEN BY
THE MILITARY TAILOB.
As UK ACTUALLY APPEARS OS
LEAVING FOB. TUB FBONT.
AFTER THREE WEEK* ni
THE TBIHCHE8.
DACHSHUND CORRESPONDENCE.
DEAR MR. PUNCH, — As an Anglo-
Italian dachshund, with a Russian
Brand mother, I must thank you from
the bottom of my heart for publishing
Fritz's letter,* and so doing 7/o«r
best (and your best is very good, my
Missus says, because you voice " the
real England ") to right the almost
Uunnis'.i injustice done to my race.
If a Dachs is to be considered an
alien, and, as you know, dear Mr.
Punch, wo were originally of good
old English stock, and never " made in
Germany" at all, what about Poms
and Pekies ?
For my own part I feol doubly hurt
by caricatures, for 1 have done my
little bit for the Allies. I claim to be
the very first British dog who took a
piece out of the leg of an Austrian
enemy— it belonged to the son of the
luggage- porter — in the early days of
August, and my Missus, engaged in
escaping from the country, was not as
pleased as she should have been.
My little friend Franzl, another
Briton born in Italy like myself, dis-
putes my claim to the first bite. 1 must
add with sorrow t! at my poor friend
is now among the British subjects in-
terned in Austria.
I am one of the very few dogs who
(ravelled across Europe, in the early
days of the War, by mobilization
* " The Plaint of a lintish Dachshund,"
Punch, Feb. 10, 1015.
trains. I barked at the " great new
siege guns," as our fellow - travellers
(and enemies) called them, as they
passed mo on their way to Germany ;
and when my Missus got arrested at
Bozen station I made a point of tell-
ing the Polizei-Chof what I thought of
him, hinting plainly that I had no ob-
jection to trying a second Austrian leg.
Meanwhile 1 cannot sufficiently
thank you for the stand you have
taken against this grave and almost
Hunnish injustica (forgive me for re-
peating this expression, but I feel it
strongly) to a true British race.
I am personally, as I have men-
tioned, part Eussian by descent, but
my silly Missus mixed up Poland with
Russia proper, so I must sign myself,
Your very faithful (and always ready
to bite your enemies) black-and-tan
friend, CLEMENTINA SOBIESKI.
P.S. — How soon do you think the
War will end ? Because it seems that
till it does I must not grumble about
(nor roll upon) a huge tickly red-white-
and-blue bow, but wear it with pride
and circumstance. Do I not suffer
for my country ?
DEAR MR. PUNCH, — With much inter-
est and sympathy I read the pathetic
letters of my kinsman Fritz in a recent
issue of Punch. Having myself suffered
from the same sudden coldness — not to
say hostility — on the part of former
friends, and knowing that I possess an
undoubtedly authentic pedigree of at
least eight generations of British-born
Dachshunds, the time baa I think
arrived when I may justly claim to be
a British dog. I therefore venture to
suggest that in future wo should be
given an English name.
Dachs is the German for badger, and
badgers are just as indigenous to the
British Isles as to Germany. In Scot-
land and the North of England the
country name for a badger is " brock."
Why not then in future call us Brock-
hounds ? The word has a true British
ring.
Entrusting our cause to your all-
powerful influence, believe me, dear
Mr. Punch, with profound respect and
fidelity, Your most obedient Servitor,
CHARLES BROCK
(sometime KARL DACHS).
A Bold Stroke.
" An officer of the Lion says the Indomitable
steamed at a rate undreamt of by her builden.
The strokors off duty swarmed to the hold to
help their comrades. Sir Darid Beatty at
the end of the action signalled • Well done
strokors of the Indomitable."
Statesman (India).
We always had somebody to stroke
our boats at Cambridge, but never at
such a pace.
From Le Journal de Petrograd : —
" Lorsquo lo Kaiser est a Berlin, le rcpas
est plus simple encore : 1'Kmpcreur mango un
potage ct la viando qui a servi a faire oe potago
avcc du pain K K."
K K bread is, of course, Kartoffel-
brod, and not provender supplied by
Lord KITCHKNKR OF KHARTOUM.
196
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 10, 1915.
THE FLAT-HUNTER.
\\'III;N I mot Gladwyn — an elderly
and pessimistic bachelor — at the club
the other night I was agreeably sur-
prised to find him looking so cheerful.
Since the War began I have sedulously
avoided him, but, encouraged by his
comparatively radiant appearance, I
returned his nod and asked him if he
had been out of town. " No," ho re-
plied, " I 'vo been Hat-hunting for the
last three weeks — got to turn out of
my present quarters — nuisance, of
course; but, good Lord! what right
has a non-combatant to talk of nui-
sances ? " This astonishing sentiment,
coming from the most self-contred man
I know, prompted me to make some
sympathetic remark ; and Gladwyn,
who loves talking about himself, at
once started off on a long recital of his
experiences. Gladwyn, I should ex-
plain, is a hopeless conversationalist,
but excels in monologue.
" I 've been to about twenty house-
agents," ho went on, " and nothing
could exceed their attention. The
urbanity, graciousness and splendid
appearance of their young men fills me
with admiration. Stout fellows, I be-
lieve, from what I know of one or two
of them, who drill hard in their leisure
liours and all that sort of thing, but in
the office miracles of gentleness and
persuasion. Beautifully dressed, too,
:n a style of quiet elegance which makes
me painfully conscious of my own
shortcomings. But they never pre-
sume upon it, and I marvel at their
condescension in writing out endless
orders to view small flats, ' upper parts'
and ' maisonettes ' suited to my humble
requirements. It seems to me that
mlf London is being converted into
maisonettes,' at least the unfashion-
able half. Mine always begin on the
,liird floor and generally consist of
Bedrooms turned into sitting-rooms,
and box-rooms into kitchens. Lots of
•ooms, endless stairs and no lifts.
Maisonettes' are generally near rail-
way stations, about a stone's-throw off,
ind they look out at the back on the
Underground or garages or the yards
of breweries. To appreciate them fully
you want to be strong in the heart and
egs and hard of hearing — in short, to
combine the activity of the goat with
the deafness of the adder. ' Upper
>arts ' are always over shops on main
arteries of traflic.
With regard to flats my experience
ms been that more often than not there
K&S nobody in when I called, or it was
nconvenient for the tenant to let me see
t at that moment, or the flat was already
et through another agent. Still, when
have been admitted, the behaviour
of the tenants has filled mo with
admiration. They never give away
the agents. They never want to leave.
They always give the flat a good
character for quietness and commodi-
ousness. In one that was slap over
the Underground the lady admitted
that sometimes a 'slight humming'
was audible — that was all. There are
those who volunteer the reasons of
their moving, but for the most part
they are reticent, and that I can under-
stand, since in a good many cases it is
the same as my own — a rise in the
rent on renewal.
"I have seen some charming flats,
with plenty of room, bright and airy,
and at a moderate rent, but they were
never lower than the fourth floor and
there was no lift. Why does no man
THE FUSION OF Cuoss AND CRESCENT.
of science invent wings for ascending
stairs ?
" I admire the house agents, and the
tenants — when they are at home — but
my feelings towards estate agents who
have offices on the same premises as
the flats they want to let are mixed.
They are extraordinarily affable, but
they are inclined to overdo it. The
flat that they want to let is always
'our show flat' — the brightest and
airiest and most attractive in the whole
block. They wax lyrical over the view
if the flat is on the fifth floor, or the
beauties of its geyser if it is in the
basement. After all, they are pro-
fessional eulogists, and praise is the
hardest thing to swallow when it isn't
about yourself. The porters are fine
fellows, and when you see them in their
uniforms they are worthy of a Blue
Hungarian Band. Or.e I saw the other
day in Bloomshury had a moustache
that reminded me of old VICTOR EM-
MANUEL. But the people 1 admiie
most of all are the photographers who
are responsible for the views of the
immediate surroundings of Cortina
Mansions or whatever it may be. I 've
got an illustrated booklet with pictures
of a stately pile embosomed in verdure,
with spreading lawns and apparently
no other building for hundreds of miles.
The stately pile is all right, but tho
verdure is all my eye. And yet people
talk of the truthful camera."
Here Gladwyn paused for breath,
and I asked, " Have you found anything
to suit you ? "
"No," he answered, "nothing yet,
but I'm going to look at a fascin-
ating ' maisonette ' in Brondesbury
to-morrow."
" Well, good luck," I said, getting up
to go ; " you seem to have had a pretty
rotten time."
"Not a bit of it," replied Gladwyn
with unaffected cheerfulness. "I haven't
had time to think of the War for three
weeks."
HOW NEWS IS "MADE IN GERMANY."
MONDAY.
A RUMOUR reached us late last night : —
Our submarines have sunk at sight
A brace of British fishing-smacks ;
All honour to our German " Jacks."
TUESDAY.
We learn to-day without surprise
The " smacks " were of unusual size;
And we may safely now assume
Two merchantmen have met theirdoom.
WEDNESDAY.
The " merchantmen," our subs, avow,
Seemed rather down about the bow ;
This points to quite a hefty haul ;
No doubt their destiny was Gaul.
THURSDAY.
England in secrecy we learn
Eegards her loss with grave concern ;
She would not weep for fodder ! No !
Doubtless we laid two Transports low.
FRIDAY.
An English regiment or two
Embarked last Sabbath on the blue ;
And (this should make Herr WINSTON
wince)
None of them has been heard of since.
SATURDAY.
Official wires confirm this fact : —
Our gallant submarines attacked
And sank, last Sunday night at ten,
Two Transports and Five Thousand
Men.
A Marksman Indeed.
"At last she said, hesitatingly: 'I'm not
quite sure ; but I think I could manage on
400 francs.' He went a trifle pale, having
reserved exactly that sum for tho purchase of
a sporting rifle for shooting swallows in
summer." — Globe.
MAUCH 10, 1915.]
PUNCH, Olt TIIK LON'DON CJIA IM\ AIM.
197
"HELP! HELP!"
Alan ! A Inn 1 is tlio name of a novel
recently announced. If this is to set a
new fashion in titles the question must
arise, how should one nsk for the latest
,tory nt the bookshop or the library?
" Wliut may 1 got you, Sir?" the
female assistant will say. " Vivien !
Vivien ! " the curate will murmur in
reply. And then the young lady, with
blushes, will explain, " .My tiame is
Susie, Sir."
Should the title bo spoken in the
ev 1 tones used for A Faded Flower,
for instance? Or should the exclama-
tion marks be noted and given their
proper emphasis?
Would it he correct to enter the shop
and shout, " Clarence 1 Clarence!" as
if the end of all things had come? or
would it bo better to adopt a more
peremptory tone, as of a strong father
calling upstairs to his son, to whom he
is about to administer that which, be-
lieve him, hurts the father's heart far
more than it hints the errant boy? Or
should the cry bo uttered as a last
appeal? or on a note of hopeless resig-
nation ? or imperatively like the calling
of a dog to heel? The problem bristles
with difficulties.
And even when you have decided
how this double vocative should be
convoyed you will find that what is a
simple thing to the elocutionist may be
a grave trouble to the amateur.
DONATIONS INVITED.
AN announcement of considerable
interest is made by the Kreuz-Zeitung
to the effect that associations have been
formed in Hanover and Hamburg and
will shortly bo formed in one hundred
and fifty places to collect money which
will bo expended in gifts for German
soldiers " as soon as it is officially
announced that either German troops
have occupied English soil or have
achieved the overthrow of England."
We do not know if Lord KITCHENEU
and Sir JOHN FRENCH have fully con-
sidered the advisability of introducing
some such system into our own conduct
of the" campaign. Perhaps the mercen-
ary English might bo induced by the
offer of a tip of some sort ? But
that is only a suggestion. Our present
concern is with an alien publication
which has fallen into our hands and
which contains some interesting
answers to correspondents upon the
question. The following is a transla-
tion : — •
J. B. (Erfurt). — No, you must have
been misinformed by your local press.
Tin- overthrow of England has not been
already achieved, technically — although
•SlNQ FT AHT, BONNT— LET *8 'F.AE WOT IT BAHXD8 UKK."
it is well knewn that that perfidious
Empire is tottering. The intrepid avia-
tor to whom you refer cannot be said to
have technically occupied English soil,
as he was picked up in the Thames.
No, we cannot accept bread-cards in
lieu of cash.
Max Schneider (Ansbach). — Many
thanks for your letter. Wo have some
sympathy with your attitude when you
say that " to have the thing merely
officially announced is not good enough
for you." No payment will be made,
however, till it has been confirmed in
the Paris communique. Meanwhile do
not hesitate to contribute.
Cautious (Kiel).— We are bound to
protest against the pessimistic and un-
patriotic tone of your letter. We do
not understand how you can possibly
hold such views, living as you do in a
neighbourhood where you have daily
opportunity of contemplating the accu-
mulated naval strength of Germany.
No, money will not be returned under
any circumstances.
A . K. (Frankfort).— Certainly not. No
one has ever suggested that the gifts
should take the form of iron crosses. Our
never-to-be-even-fora-moment-daunted
troops arc not to be fobbed off in this
manner.
Financier (Berlin). We think your
suggestion an excellent one. As you
say, if the money were to be invested at
compound interest it might well amount
to a considerable sum before it becomes
payable. It is understood however that
it will all be eompulsorily taken over
for investment in the next NVar Loan.
" Young gentleman wants Job; something
exciting : been abroad good deal."
I.irerpool Kilto.
Why not go abroad again and try
Flanders, in khaki ?
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON _CHARIVA 111.
[MARCH 10, 1915.
MAKING AN EXHIBITION OF THEMSELVES.
\\Y. seem to recall that in the dim
a"es of last Juno something wa-» being
said about an Anglo-German Bxhibi-
and that the idea was BUD86-
,
qucntly abandoned. We should we -
come its revival, though of course With
modifications in accordance With our
of the subject.
Open 10 till 10.
Crafts (especially
increased knowledge
As thus: —
CKKMANY AT Tin: BLACK-AND-WHITE
CITY.
I true riicturc of the most amazing
,. y"i . - 1 /I J „" J 7 f / >
• ,,!<• ,}ii earth.
Native Arts and ,
Crafts) as practised in Blackest Berlin.
NATIVE GEBMAN VILLAGE.
With continuous Performances by real
Germans (never before brought into
contact with civilisation). An illustra-
tion of Savage Life that must be seen
to be believed.
Quaint Ceremonials and War Dances.
Sacrificing to Kultur.
Departure of Chiefs on Head-hunting
Expedition. Chanting the Hymn of
Hate (by a choir of genuine Professors).
Also Exact Reproduction of a
BRITISH SEASIDE WATERING PLACE
AS THE GERMANS SEE IT.
Armour-plated Bathing Machines.
Penny-in-the-Slot Machine Guns.
Gigantic Super-Switchback, capable of
hurling twenty-five tons of trippers at
a hostile fleet.
SIDE SHOWS.
Herr Hohenzollern, the Potsdam
Equilibrist, " Walking the Wireless."
The Great Wheel (as done on the
Marne).
Cave of Illusion, " The Parisian Mir-
age," " The Calaisdoscope," etc., etc.
Admission One Marie.
LOOKING FORWARD.
ONE of the most inspiring and inter-
esting of the ceremonies in connection
with the Peace Celebrations occurred
yesterday at Chelsea, when medals were
awarded to a number of stalsvart men
and youths for their fine record of ath-
leticism and self-denial during the War.
They walked in, many hundred strong,
to the strains of " Home, Sweet Home,"
the crowd, which was enormous, being
kept in order by a regiment just back
from the Front, who were given this
task to keep them out of mischief. The
procession evoked tremendous cheers,
and no wonder, for it consisted of men
in the pink of condition, who contrasted
noticeably with many of the poor fol-
lows from the War, some of whom had
,i battered and not too spruce appear-
ance. A little company of wounded
soldiers left during the proceedings.
The heroes being all assembled, a
gentleman prominent in the 1'ootball
world, supported by dignitaries, officials,
and pressmen, welcomed them, in a few
w. 11-chosen words, in the name of him-
self and fellow-sportsmen. England,
lie said — and by England he meant the
cream of the country, that is, the foot-
ball enthusiasts— was proud of them.
(Cheers.) They had stuck— well, he
would not say to their guns, for that
was perhaps an unfortunate phrase
under the circumstances — but to their
nvn calling — to their footballs — with
a steady persistence that did them
credit. In spite of all temptation, in
spite of all the artful patriotic lures,
their self-respect as footballers had
conquered (Cheers and excitement.)
Again and again it had been put before
them by selfish and impulsive par-
tisans that their services as fit and
powerful men might be of use to Eng-
land at the Front, or even for home
military service, but nothing had
shaken them. (Cheers.) They were
adamant. They had been trained to
play football, and play football they
would. (Immense cheers.) They had
manfully remained in the patli they
had chosen, and had refused to give
up thsir great and noble and truly na-
tional pastime. (Hear, hear.) Noth-
ing could shake them — not even the
raid on Scarborough. They were
gloriously firm — boys of the bull
dog breed par excellence. (Cries of
" Hurrah.") Football, they recognised,
came first, country second, and they
behaved accordingly; and the great-
hearted public, always ready to acclaim
doggedness and pluck, stood by them
and rallied week after week to their
gallant displays in the field. (Renewed
cheers.)
To each man the Chairman then
presented an iron cross amid the
wildest excitement, and the proceedings
terminated by the band playing "After
the ball," in which everyone present
joined.
Offence and Defence.
"In the Assembly General Hertzog has
tried, with no success, to help the cause of
friends of his who are in prison with charges
of treasDn hanging over their heads. On Mon-
day Mr. Burton, Minister of Bailings, coun-
tered these efforts with a stingingly critical
speech." — Manchester Guardian.
Judging by the reports of recent pro-
ceedings in the South African Parlia-
ment Mr. BURTON'S new post (or per-
haps one should say post-and-rails) will
be no sinecure.
THE LOWLAND SEA.
" OH sailed you by the Goodwins,
Oh came you by the Sound,
And saw you there my true love
That was homeward bound ? "
" Oil never will he anchor
Again by England's shore;
A sailing by the Lowlands
Your sailor comes no more.
" They gave his ship her death-blow
As she was sailing by,
And every soul aboard her,
Oli, they left them all to die.
" They were not common pirates
Nor rovers of Bailee,
But gentlemen of high estate
Come out of Germanie !
" It -was no worthy gentleman
Though he were crowned King ;
It was no honest seaman
That wrought so vile a thing !
" But the foulest of all pirates
That ever sailed the ssa,
And they should swing as pirates
swing
Upon the gallows tree,
A-sailing by the Lowlands
That took my lad from me ! "
Ex Africa Semper Aliquid Novi.
"The authors trimprd 17,000 miles from
one side of Africa to the other — a journey
which took nearly a year to accomplish."
Observer,
As the continent is only about 5,000
miles across at its widest part, we
reckon that these great pedestrians
must have crossed it at least three
times, and walked over 45 miles a day
the whole time.
N. S. P. C. C. Please Note.
" Unfurnished Room wanted by respectable
woman (oven preferred), where baby could be
minded while mother goes to work."
Evening News.
The Wallaby Again.
" In answer to the query, ' What is wrong
with golf?' opinions of writers appear to
have differed very much. G. DunCLin, A. C.
Croome, and Wallaby Deeley expressed the
opinion that the greens might be made
smaller and the holes enlarged."
\Vcst Australian.
"WAI/LABY" DEELEY is doubtless a
local flier. Judging by the following
extract his idea appears to have been
adopted : —
"Since the beginning of the year some
clearing has been effected, and a new green
laid down, which will permit of the course
being considerably lengthened, and provide a
spare green should the 4-in. green become
unplayable as happened last winter."
" Sovtlurn Times," liunlairy, W. A.
Mutni 10, MM.-..]
PUNCH. 01; TIIK LONDON CHAIMVARI.
199
\ \
Mistress. "WELL, COOK, IP YOU A3D THE OTHEB MAIDS ABE AT ALL NEBVOUS OP I1IB ZEPPELUH IOU CAN HAVE YOUB
HKMOVED INTO THE BASEMENT."
Cook. "No, THANK you, MA'AM. WE HAVE EVEBY CONFIDENCE is THE POLICEMAN AT THE GATE."
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)
I HAVE seldom met a volume of more pronounced " heart
interest " than Paris Waits (SMITH, ELDER). Partly, of
course, this is due to the skill with which Mrs. M. E. CLARKE
has written it ; partly to outside causes. For in reading
these thrilling pages one finds oneself oddly affected by an
old idea, deep-rooted in all our minds, that when once a
thing is in print it is over and done with, put away and
no longer personal, like bones in a museum. And then,
with the queerest shock, one realises suddenly that this
story of Paris in her suspense goes no further back
than a time whose distance can be measured by days.
Perhaps Mrs. CLARKE'S method of telling helps this effect a
little. As special correspondent of The Times and as
herself long an intimate friend of Paris and the Parisians,
she was well able to appreciate every phase of the critical
weeks when the invaders threatened to storm its very
walls. Not only are her pen-pictures remarkably vivid and
realistic, but the camera lias also helped, and included in
the book are many most interesting photographs of Paris
in wiu-— a snapshot of the Avenue de 1 'Opera, for example,
empty of traflic but for a solitary cyclist, or a group of
B.A.M.O. men lounging in the doorway of an hotel whose
name suggests the coupons of economy and peace. It is
all breathlessly interesting, and, as I say, there is that
added stranger thrill. Of the close of a certain historic
day you may road that it was tilled with wonderful autumn
sunshine, and suddenly you will say, " Of course it was ! "
and recall everything that you yourself were doing that
afternoon. That I suppose is one of the minor compensa-
tions of living in history. It certainly adds profoundly to
the effect of such a record of tragedy nobly faced as we
may find here in Pahs Waits, a record that even our de-
scendants, without these advantages, will never read
unmoved.
In the bald precis which Messrs. METHUEN supply with
The Family, by ELINOB MORDAU.NT, they do her, it and
themselves much less than justice. I had been prepared
for boredom ; I was in fact consistently entertained, and it
is certainly no inconsiderable feat on the part of the author
to make that truculent Spartan, Squire Hebberton, his
faint wife, his seven sons and four daughters, separately
and plausibly alive. Wo first see them on their own acres
of Cranbourne very much of the county in blood but a little
out of it in the matter of money, haunted by impending
financial catastrophe, all the more inevitable because no
Hebberton can really bring himself to face the possibility of
such a paltry destiny. The blow falls and tosses them into
situations which would have profoundly shocked their
minor acquaintances and their tenantry. And I suspect
some sort of indictment of their order is intended by the
suggestion that they did not make much of their new life.
It was rotten of the rather inhuman vicar to fall so desper-
ately in love with Pauline, the nice, horsey, romantic
tomboy, and spiritually mesmerise her into matrimony.
200
ITNOH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAUCH 10, 1915.
Any parceptive person could have foretold disaster, but j Then, just whon you may be asking yourself, " Is anything
there was none such at Cranbounie. Pauline, a. clear, finds ( definite ever going to happen ? " pounce ! the thing has yoi
her salvation in the service of her hypersensitive brother, by the throat, not to struggle free before the last line is read
Sebastian, whoso happiness has boon wrecked by his lit is a sombre story enough, this of the two brothers living
parents' crass stupidity. The story opens in tlio eighties ! in their lonely farm high up on the mountains of the Welsl
of last century; one did not perhaps quite appreciate that border — a place that itself becomes like a character in the
really heavy fatherhood survived to that date. Now jit is tragedy, so well is the brooding spirit of it realised
our sons and daughters that tend to put on weight. Dare
one, by the way, beg Miss MOBDAUNT to engage a really
nice proof-reader frith powers of attorney to deal with such
exuberant malapropisms as our dear old friend "immured
to," and " anchorite " for "acolyte"; and to collect
stragglers in tlio way of unfinished sentences? Her work
is too good for those little flaws.
Arabia Infelix, or the Turks in Yamen (MACMILLAN), is a
book the number of whose
readers will probably bo largely
increased by the time and cir-
cumstance of its publication
Even to-day, when we read
and talk and think so much
about the Unspeakable One, I
doubt if many persons could
tell off-hand whether Yamen
was a country or a costume.
For their benefit let me hasten
to pass on my own superior
(if lately acquired) erudition.
Yamen, then, is, roughly
speaking, the left-hand strip of
the Arabian peninsula, fringing
the Red Sea; and this book
about it has been written by
Mr. G. WYMAN BURY, who
evidently enjoys unique know-
ledge of his subject. Arabia is
so far removed from most of
us in language and history and
customs that tales of it have
always the fantastic and unreal
atmosphere of another world.
To me it remains a land that
I am well content to explore
at second-hand — but this is
prejudice. It is certainly pic-
turesque ; Mr. BUKY'S illustra-
Charlie, the elder brother, had been a pleasant wastrel til!
he married Judith, a slip of a Celt with red hair and green
eyes ; and the little money there was to begin with dwindled
beneath the extortions of her poaching relatives. Thou
Charlie started to drink himself to death ; and Alaric, who
had failed as a musical journalist, returned to make his
home in the tower of tiie farm. Thenceforward the tale is
of a Welsh Pelleas and Melisande, rushing swiftly to its
inevitable doom. The vigour of it, told with an uncommon
blend of realism and beauty,
is what I found impossible to
resist. The author has won-
derfully conveyed an atmo-
sphere of rarefied passion,
without a hint of sentiment-
ality. There is a distinction
and austerity in his treatment,
of which 1 can only record my
appreciation and leave you to
enjoy them for yourself. His
style you will find a dry clear
wine, sparkling, with never
a taste of sugar — an unpic-
turesque metaphor, but one
that fairly expresses the appeal
of this quite uncommon book
to the critical taste.
HOW A TOBN LABEL ABOUSED THE SUSPICIONS OF AN
ALEBT RAILWAY PORTER.
tive photographs (some of the best I have ever seen) are
evidence of this. One of the most attractive of them is
called " Return of Zaptieh to the Hukoomah at Menakah,"
a title (or I am much mistaken) that will mean less than
nothing to the majority. For its interpretation I must refer
you to the author himself. I should, by the way, explain that,
though seasoned here and there with an agreeable humour,
this is in no sense a volume of frivolous entertainment!
Mr. BURY writes as an expert for those who want expert
and practical information ; the chatter and small talk of
travel is not in his scheme. But at a time when we are
speculating as to the future of the Turk this record of
what he has done and left undone in a little known land
has a peculiar interest and value.
The Dark Tower (SECKEB) is an unusual and, in many
•vays, a remarkable work. Mr. F. BKETT YOUNG has
already given evidence of being a writer a long way removed
from the ordmarj ruck of novelists ; this book will confirm
is reputation. At first, perhaps, the skill of his attack is
t altogether apparent. The opening chapters of the tale
)em to hesitate uncertainly, playing as it were for position.
Not often has it been my
good fortune to find amusement
in publishers' announcements,
but I confess to grinning
broadly when I read Messrs.
HUTCHINSON'S remarks upon
The Great Age. " To attempt,"
they say, " to introduce Shake-
speare into a novel would
seem to be daring, if not
courting disaster," and then
go on to assure us that Mr. J.
C. SNAITH has succeeded where others would thave failed,
because he has written a romance that teems fyith exciting
incident. I trust that my sense of humour is not perverted,
but I cannot help finding something extraordinarily laugh-
able in the commandeering of SHAKESPEABE by Mr. SXAITH,
and in the publishers' apologetic justification of his audacious
act. Granted, however, that the rash deed demanded some
apology, I say unhesitatingly that the poet could not have
fallen into more reverent hands than those of Mr. SNAITH.
The Bard is brought in as a sort of fairy godfather to a
boy and a maid who wander through the land in a frantic
attempt to escape from the clutches of the law. If I had
to propose a vote of sympathy with any of the characters
my choice would fall not on SHAKESPEARE but on QUEEN
ELIZABETH, for she has but few friends among modern
writers, and in this small company Mr. SNAITH is certainly
not enrolled. The author has put to his credit a talc full of
perils and hair-breadth escapes, and he has made an honest
and, on the whole, successful attempt to reproduce the
phraseology of the Elizabethan age ; though I doubt if the
word "sinister," which he works so hard, was really
popular in those spacious days.
MAIICII 17, 1915.
PUNCH, OR T!IK LONDON CIIAIM YAIJI.
201
CHARIVARIA.
V lins such a pi) ir repv
'lity that r. B8emi only fair
I.) point out that she is in favour of
a certain portion of AustTO-Hunguiu
territory being given to Italy.
11 The bravest man in L m Inn," says
77;" U ><•/.-/// /'/•./ a/i h, "is the barber
in \Vardour Slr-ct, who keeps on his
window tho inscription ' Mnu sprtcht ;
[sic] Deutsch.' " This paragraph is
headed " Do-s hn know it ?" If " it "
refers to Gorman, tho answer is obvi- (
ously in the ne^nMve.
It is said that, if things don't
soon go bolter with them, the
Germans threaten to say, "God
punish England ! " not only on
meeting but also on parting.
For the present this weapon is
held in reserve.
* #
*
The other day, The Observer
reminds us, the Germans were
claiming that they were, " the
Lords of the Under-Water." If
this claim fails, there is always
the relatively easy r6le of Prince
of the Under-World.
!|- :|:
To induce the people of the
Berlin suburb of Treptow to
part with their gold for the
benefit of the German Imperial
Bank they are promised, The
I'l.rpress tolls us, nob only war
bonds in exchange, but also a
free ticket to view the heavens
through tho great telescope of
the Observatory. This should
be their best way of discovering
their place in the sun.
history iop;-Jicg itself, for did not
TKXNM-:ON, ,n The L in, l-'.atrrs,
write: —
ir, and the
bolts ;irj liurl .»" •
* *
Says \Vchr un I \\',nT,-:i : "Our
enemies the. Knglish and the l-'ivm-h
are fond of sotting up so:ne lijjuro of
the hour on a pedestal t:> worship it as
a hero. We Germans ara not hero
worshippers ; among in then MM no
s, for tho simple reason that the
entire German nation is a nation of
heroes." By the same reasoning there
are no liars in the German War Office.
Our Stylists.
.!> into tin'
illiiiuUlili- nulir tho grcit K.V
ingsoir«-lili|/lit Hi, hen."
',<}ionilrnt.
And then, wo suppose, it does a divo
into the unfathomable zenith.
* *
The Turks, a Dardanelles cor-
respondent tells us, cannot understand
at all why we should want to silence
their guns. The noise from ours, they
complain, is a much greater nuisance.
* :|:
The Neiv York Sun says that there
are admiring Germans in New York
who insist that, when KAISER WILLIAM
has won the War, one of his first
appreciative acts will bo to summon Mr.
HBBMAN BIDDER, the well-known pro-
Gcnnan propagandist, to Berlin, to make
The Peaceful One. " BUT THINK. THE KAISEB MAY BE
QUITE A NICE MAN AND BELOVED BY HIS FAMILY "
The Old 'Un. "Ay, MAY BE. BUT HE'S GOT A DARNED
BAD NAME ABOUT TUESE PARTS ! "
" ' III lira-will;.; ;l l>irtlir" nf (iiTIM:lliv at llhe
i»,' wroto M.irtin Luther in I.V.M. 'DUO
I roproient her in tin: (arm of a s >w.
•nui, .ir • c. rniaiii, and (ii-rnmnn we
will remain— that is to say, |n;;, um! i
iunmals.' "
"Tho l-'rankfurtrr /.eilung reports that tho
Fodoral Council will shortly order a census o(
pig* to be taken throughout tho (lerman
. ro." — Alaticlifiilcr Krening Km.
Wo hope tho War Office will
take a hint from " Albert Flasher,
Sec., Crack Kinomas, Ld.," and
just ask what they want of the
KAISER, for surely he will be as
obliging as Vox TIHI-IT/, who
supplied the submarine off Dover
the very day after Albert Flasher
wroto to him in a letter printed
on page 175, Punch, March 3rd.
" German and German are favoured
with instructions from Mr. John
Hull, who ia declining fanning, to
Sell by Auction, on Thursday, March
18th, 1015, the whole of his Live
and Dead Farming Stock."
Nottingham Guardian.
This looks like the ond of all
things — John Hull in tho hands
of tho Germans and giving up
agriculture. We hasten to re-
assure our readers by informing
them that this Mr. HULL is a real
person, and not tho top-booted
embodiment of England, and
that Messrs. GERMAN AND GER-
MAN, are a highly respectable
firm of genuine auctioneers, who
would " knock down " tho KAISKII
as soon as look at him.
him a Prince. If Mr. BIDDER will take | country
our advice he will be content with a lesser
honour so long as ho gets it at onca.
Ariel, which rammed and sank the
submarine U 12, belongs to what is
known as tho " I " class of destroyers.
" I," she said in effect, " am better
than ' U.' " $ *
We are glad to see that a delinquent
has been S3nt to prison for obtaining
money by fraud from money-lenders.
A man who would not shrink from
taking advantage of the helpless
and innocent is a disgrace to his
With reference to the recent dropping
of shells by French aircraft on the
liottwcil Powder Factory, The Daily
News, quoting an Official Note, says
" Eottweil is on the Nectar." Here,
then, we have a pretty instance of
"The fitting up of Donington Hall for Ger-
man officers taken as prisoner* of war was
explained to the House of Commons yesterday
by Mr. Tennant. Ho said that two bats woro
installed in one room." — Daily Mail.
No one will cavil at this delicate hint
that up to now certain German officers
have not been " playing cricket."
An Italian "Entente."
" The return of Signor Salandra to Rome
was a kind of triumphal procession, at each
station cheers being raised. Ono parson cried,
'Viva la Italy.' Signor Salandra. from tho
window of tho carriage, retorted, 'No, fiiand*,
cry with mo " Viva Italy." ' The retort was
enthusiastically received by the crowd."
Manchester Krrniny Chronicle.
It is now tho turn of one of our
Statesmen to shout, " Three cheers for
Inghiltorra."
Generous Foes.
" On Friday tho whole of the 5th Wclah
Reserve from Haverfordwest, under Colonel
James and other officers, had a route march,
reaching Fishguard at 4.30 after an exhilarat-
ing faur hours' walk. The hostility of the
town was on thoroughly generous lines. On
Saturday morning the regiment formed up in
tho Square, tho band playing lively air*.
Throe hearty cheers, led by Colonel James,
were given for FUbguard hostility."
J'cmbroke Qatiite.
VOL. CXLVIll.
2C2
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [MABCH 17. 1915.
THE ALTRUISTS.
[A g.-i-.i- filial inrs--:i;r fn in KcTlin In the Colognt
,.• uulci'rnilcni naiH nal life of thc> neutrals
Colo /«e Gazette contends
ill the r.aikans '
I i »»J «- • "••• •• ,
Unssiun ainl.it.ons. C.rn.iauy and
f"r " t!>.' independence of the
that . -
is thrratcm-i! Ly Kn^'li h and
Austria, ..n tho olhiT hand, an- ... 0 - ,
Miiall natir.ns . . . for tho cimr.-pti.m* . f n itionaluy and cultuie. J
NOT for ourselves! Oh, no! Our hands are pure.
\Ve (i.niiiins ask no solid compensations,
Content if <n (in tombs these words endure:
"IlKKK I.IK THK CHAMPIONS OF THK LITTLK NATIONS.
Babies we kill (and get misunderstood)
Not for our own joy, but for that of others,
Doing our best for Europe's common good,
But chiefly for our little Balkan brothers.
Money we spend— as much as we can spare;
Threats and appeals alternately we try on
To save them from the wicked, wicked Bear,
To snatch them from the horrid, horrid Lien.
We say what loot they'll touch as our allies,
What larger spaces in the realm of Sol earn ;
We mention bonds of blood and marriage-ties
That hitch them to the House of Hohen/ollern.
We talk of nationality at stake,
Urging that in that holy cause we need 'em,
That, joined with us, they shall in turn partake
The germ of culture and the fruits of freedom.
And, should they call our spoken word in doubt,
And question if the evidence is ample,
For proof we trot our testimonials out,
And point to Belgium, saying " There "s a sample ! '
UNWRITTEN LETTERS TO THE KAISER.
No. XVII.
(From the KINO OF ITALY.)
VERY DEAR BROTHER AND MOST POWERFUL FKIEND, —
Prince VON BULOW has just left me after a most exhausting
interview, and in the few moments of calm which remain to
me before he returns for another visit (the ten thousandth,
I think, in one short week), I venture to solace myself by
writing direct to you. I want to tell you that this VON BULOW
of yours is a tremendous fellow and has fully earned any
reward you may think n't to offer him on the completion
— may the time be soon! — of his mission. Certainly, he
seizes time by every available forelock, and is never tired
of singing your praises and of pouring contempt on
those who are unfortunate enough to be at war with you.
England, he says, is so strictly blockaded that not an ounce
of food can be imported into that detestable country, and
both her absurd army and her incompetent fleet — I quote
his words — are on the point of surrendering to you. He
affirms that France is continuing to fight merely in
virtue of an arrangement mada by you so as to enable you
to win a crushing victory at the gates of Paris, after which
you are to annex the whole country. As for Russia, she is
at the last gasp, and her whole Empire is shortly to be divided
up between yourself and the Emperor FRANCIS JOSEPH and
your glorious friend the Sultan of TURKEY.
Such are the stories which lie relates to me every day.
If I venture to ask for details he hints that I am doubting
his princely word and produces letters from you in which
you confirm by anticipation all that ho has said to me. For
the sake of a quiet life I do not push the controversy any
further, but allow him to remain under the conviction that I
jelieve every word of his statements. The fact is that, en
.esthetic grounds, I cannot hear to see a German gentleman
in a state of anger. The convulsive movements of his limbs
,iml the deep purple tint which spreads over his fac3 are
highly disagreeable to me. These symptoms do not, of
course, frighten me— nobody could possibly be frightened at
so painful a spectacle — but they produce a disgust which is
not favourable to the continuance of rational and friendly
intercourse. I content myself, therefore, with a cursory
mention of the bombardment of the Dardanelles, or of the
French campaign in Alsace, or of the battle of Przasnysz,
and as soon as poor BULOW begins to fume in the German
m;inner I declare the interview at an end.
At the same time I am bound to admit that your Ambas-
sador is a generous— I might almost say, an extravagantly
generous man. He doesn't confine himself to threatening
that Italy will have to be treated in the humane and justly
celebrated style applied to Belgium. He offers in the most
reckless and open-handed way to transfer to Italy various
provinces now in the possession of Austria. If Italy can
only make up her mind to join the German Powers she is
to have thoTrentino and heaven knows what besides as the
price of her compliance. I note, however, that when I
broach these subjects with the Austrian Ambassador he
invariably changes the conversation and begins to talk
about such matters as the disgraceful ingratitude of Serbia
in fighting against those whose only desire is to confeiv
on her the blessings of Germanic civilisation. You see
we Italians know something of Austria and her fashion of
dealing with those whom she thinks she can bully, and we
are not likely to be taken in by soft words. Germany
offers us Austrian provinces, but is Germany in a position
to hand over the goods ?
For the moment wo are satisfied to remain as we are.
The French, the Eussians and the English are our good
friends. Why should we seek to harm them ? Austria we
detest, and Germany — I am forced to say it — we distrust.
" Italy will tread with no uncertain steps the glorious path
of her destiny," or " When the King gives the word Italy
will advance as one man whore honour and necessity point
out the way." By some such statement of policy wo are
still guided. I leave you and BULOW to draw what comfort
you can from it.
Yours in fraternal friendship,
VICTOR EMMANUEL.
A very poignant story reaches Mr. Punch indirectly
from the trenches. A gallant Tommy, having received
from England an anonymous gift of socks, entered them at
once, for he was about to undertake a heavy march. He
was soon a prey to the most excruciating agony in the big
toe, and when, a mere cripple, he drew off his foot-gear at
the end of a terrible day, he discovered inside the toe of the
sock what had once been a piece of stiff writing-paper, now
reduced to pulp; and on it appeared in bold feminine ham
the almost illegible benediction : — " God bless the wearei
of this pair of socks ! "
" To AHMY CONTRACTOES. — I have for Sale, Horses, Rifles, Barbct
Wire Blankets, Socks, Boots, &c., and invite inquiries from buyers.'
Adt-t. in " Daily Telegraph."
These must be the blankets referred to by Sister Susie's
soldiers, who would " sooner sleep in thistles."
" The searchlight of the Turks failed to discover the small warship
which were able to enter the Dardanelles by the light of the moon
and sweep up the wines." — Western Mail.
Good luck to them, and may they soon get to the Sublim
Porte.
ITNCII. OH THK LONDON (MI.MMVAIM. MAKCH 17, I
ON THE FENCE.
ALL-HIGHEST (to certain Neutrals). " ABOUT— TURN ! "
[They tit tight.]
MAHCH 17, J'.<
PUNCH, 01; TIIK LONDON CIIAI;I\ AIM.
205
CIVILIAN
Sentry, "WHO GOES THERE?"
Sentry. "ADVANCE, SPECIAL CONSTABLE."
DIGNITY.
Special Constable.
Special Constable.
SPECIAL CONSTABLE."
ADVANCE YOURSELF !"
EVERYBODY WHO IS ANYBODY.
ONK by one the papers are coming
into lino with The Daily Mirror and
Daily Sketch, and adding to their regular
contributors a Society Autolycus. His
principal qualifications are a capacity
to eat several lunches and dinners every
day; to be in more than one place at
once; to know by sight every musical
comedy actress, and to be well supplied
with honeyed epithets. Mr. Punch,
hating to be behind the times and
recognising the unique value of this
kind of article, has arranged a similar
treat for his readers.
Billee Brette's Charity.
The War Fund established by pretty
little Billee Bretto to send photo-
graphs of favourite actresses to the
boys in the trenches is booming, so she
told me when I met her yesterday in
her sables, pricing rings at Fabriano's,
where by the way some wonderful
new jewellery is to be seen. Already
she has raised live hundred pounds, and
stacks of her own portrait have gone
out. How I envy their lucky recipients.
The Anti-Racing Cranks.
What is all this absurd talk about
racing being discontinued or even dis-
couraged ? No one who lunched at
Cyrano's yesterday, a*s I did, would i
have dared to mention any such rubbish, j
for half the biggest bookmakers of
London were there and only a Bosch '
would have had the heart to spoil the
excellent meal which, since it was at
Cyrano's, they were of course eating.
But Lord Carholmo's letter has sufli-
ciently answered the foolish objectors
to our grand old sport. As he says,
what would become of our bloodstock if
racing were interrupted for two meet-
ings ? What indeed ?
A Slight to Tommy.
But there is another side to the
question too. All the officers from the
Front whom I talk to in this restaurant
tell me that the lirst thing they are
asked on returning to work is, " Who
will win the Gran'd National? " Now
who, I ask you, would deprive Tommy
Atkins of the simple pleasure of putting
this very natural question ?
Ruby Lily's Dresses.
Wherever I go I hear talk of the
forthcoming revuo at the Petroleum
and the marvellous dresses v;hich Ruby
Lily is to wear. Only this day I saw
Ruby herself in her pink motor in Bond
Street, looking the picture of charm
and health.
A Famous Suspect.
Talking to my tailor yesterday, I
found that among his customers is the
notorious Baron Keyhaull, who is just
now EO exercising the big-wigs. " A
very particular gentleman," he called
him ; " always sent his coat back if it
did not fit, and hated trousers that were
too short or even too long for him."
A suspicious circumstance is that the
worthy Baron invariably had game-
keeper's pockets in his coats, no doubt
for the secretion of bombs.
Dazzling Lunchors.
Lunching yesterday at the new fash-
; ionable mid-day resort, " The Let-em-
all - come," as a wag has called it, 1
found the usual array of distinguished
people. Vivacious Samis Ktlor, the
leading lady in the new revue, had a
choice party, which included her dear
old mother, without whom London
would now be Hat indeed. At other
tables I saw Teddie Central in an
amazing hat, and piquante Jammy
Delavie, whose debut at the Fiasco
is so eagerly anticipated. AH were
with handsome fellows in khaki.
True to their Colours.
"Below the 'black squad' kept grimy at
work." — Edinburgh Kreiiinj Dispatch.
20(5
PUNCH, mi THK LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 17, 1915.
THE WATER WAR.
(H'ilk proper apologies to the Naral
• >crt of " Land ninl Water.")
Tin: loading operations of the week
have boon confined to the Dardanelles.
Events there have already proved —
contrary to t'.e freely expressed opinions
of all 'other experts— the immense
superiority of forts over ships. The
people (like myself) who really know
had of course anticipated this, though
it mav bo necessary for me to explain
what I mean in a manner to bo " under-
standed of the people." It is true that
at the first sight the fleet appears to be
getting the best of it. But it must be
borne in mind that (as I have so often
liad to point out in these Notes) war is
not primarily a matter of ships or guns
or men, but of psychology. 1 take off
indirect, and it generally works back-
wards. The public cannot envisage
that a destroyer aimlessly tossing on
the surface of the soa, seemingly idle,
miles and miles from anywhere in par-
ticular, may at that very moment be
altering for good and all the history of
the world. NAPOLEON never grasped
that fact, possibly because destroyers
were unknown in his day. The public
blindly insists upon the significance of
the taovo fighting at soa. It has never
been able to grasp that gunnery is of
secondary importance, speed is only
relative, torpedoes are only potentially
effective. The only true way in which
a fleet can make its power felt is by
just moving about on the horizon,
highly charged with psychology. Bat-
tles are mere unavoidable excrescences,
and a ship at the bottom of the
of throwing an adhesive harpoon at the
periscope is a novel idea to me. I shall
have to consider it. (2) The idea is per-
fect in theory, but the chances of a
merchant vessel being attacked by a
submarine are not more than one in
a thousand, whereas the cost of your
apparatus would be quite one in a
hundred, and the size of it about one
in ten, while the colour and shape of
it would have to be one in five. It
seems hardly worth while.
THE HAPPY WARRIORS.
As here I toil amid the slums,
On high above the dingy street,
To jog my jaded ear there comes
The rub-a-dub of distant drums,
The pit-a-pat of hurrying feet ;
my hat to that word — it has
been a good friend to me.
It must be remembered,
and it cannot be too insist-
ently repeated, that psycho-
logically almost every victory
is a defeat. Unfortunately
that is a doctrine that is very
comforting to the losing side,
but there is no use blinking
the fact. The difficulty has
always been to explain why. j
When the Monmouth and the
Good Hope went to their
doom off the South Pacific
Coast I said at the time (as
you will remember) that this
was really — if you turn it
upside down and inside out
according to the best psycho-
logical methods — a victory
for our fleet, just as the enemy's ap- j North Sea may in its negative capacity
parent defeat in the Bight of Heligoland ' be unostentatiously exercising a terrific
Heartless Gamin. " DON'T GO JEST YET, ELF.
'EAR 'IM SIT DOWN ON 'is SPOB."
was a moral triumph for TIRPITZ. I
need not, perhaps, go into all that now,
for it is pretty complicated, nor into
my other brilliant thesis, that the moro
food Germany gets the sooner the war
will end. But I may say that as surely
as we are only now recovering from
our crushing reverses at Waterloo and
Trafalgar, the moment when we occupy
Constantinople will be a fit occasion for
national humiliation.
Why should these things be? I know
it is a little difficult. On land it is a
simple thing to say that when a division
has been exterminated it has suffered a
defeat. But I have never been able to
discover about land operations that
margin of psychology which has so
curious a bearing on naval operations.
Nautically speaking, the effect of Sea
Power is always mysterious. The best
chess players suffer from headache
when they try to work it out. Even
then they rarely get an inkling. But
it is immense; its results are always
force upon the enemy. Things are not
what they seem, and there is no use
pretending that they are.
(It will ba understood that one of my
main ideas in writing in this way is to
avoid the Censor. He never interferes
with my work.)
AH these concise facts have of course
a direct bearing on the duration of the
War. Let us get away from all doc-
trinaire conclusions ; let us reverse all
assumptions. If we can make it our
main object to see that Germany gets
all the food she can possibly use, the
British Navy — always provided that it
does not win a victory in the meantime
—can conclude the War in six months.
To return to the Dardanelles. There
is one more point that calls for special
mention. My readers should note that
the "Narrows" are situated at the
widest parts of the Straits.
ANSWER TO CORRESPONDENT.
J. B. (Pimlico).—(l) Your scheme
And straight the drab and
dreary square
Is all astir with war's
alarms ;
A martial host is mustering
there — •
Daspite some obvious dis-
repair
A gallant infantry in arms.
The throbbing meat - tin's
thunderous roll,
The shrill mouth - organ
skirling high,
Sot every fledgling patriot-
soul
Afire to gain the warrior's
goal,
Aflame to conquer or to die.
The conflict rages fierce and
keen
With doughty buffets dealt and ta'en,
And, where the battle's brunt has been,
The courtyard cobbles — none too
clean —
Are cumbered thick with cheery slain.
In reel and rally, raid and rout,
With varying fortune veers the strife,
Till rings the lusty victor-shout
That sets the issue clear of doubt
And lifts the very dead to life.
Then, singing, 'neath the sunset's flame
The happy warriors homeward go,
The War to them an empty name
That merely prompts o. glorious game —
And God be thanked it can bo so !
I WANT TEB
To the announcement of a benefit
performance at the Capetown Opera
House, The Cape Times appends the
following : —
"NOTE. — With reference to the Oovernor-
Gcneral's Pun, to which the whole of the
nett profit will be devoted . . . ."
We should be the last to grudge Lord
BUXTON a little light recreation.
M AIICH 17, 1915.]
iM'.xnr, on TIIK LONDON CIIAIMV.MM.
207
FflOM THE BACK OF THE FRONT.
"V.'i: aro ooniini; lo (ho end of a long
journey. Tho cm 1 is Victoria, and the
next trip begins after four days. Some
of us aro taking lessons in English
• ly, and Sinithsuii lias picked up
a (iuido to London in tbi.-i town, so we
ought to get on all right.
In tho meantime wo are finishing
the first, lap, as wo began it, well to the
hack of all tho fronts in tho neighbour-
hood, learning tho inner nature of tho
machine gun. Jn (ho trenches all you
know about an m.g. is that it looks
like a lump of mud with handles stuck
on, and that its modus operandi is to
wake up about 2 A.M., say pop-pop-pop,
go to sleep again, and clear off in the
morning just before tho shells come
along.
On closer acquaintance, machine guns
have more in them than that. On
account of these Germans I can't tell
you everything about them, but the
rough idea is that the m.g. is an
accumulation of any number of odd-
shaped bit-i which jam when you rotate
the crank-handle. Gunnery consists
in unjamming them. There aro roughly
217 kinds of jam, not counting tho one
\< ti can get by putting india-rubber
and orange-peol into the gib-spring.
The Gorman gun is far superior, a-lmitt-
ing of 532 variation?, not counting
those adventitiously induced by tho
insertion of Icberwurst under the star-
board buller spring.
Wo grow handier day by day ; this
morning our brightest pair went into
action in 4min. 29sec. It wasn't so
much the time (standard, 40 seconds)
that impressed the instructor as the in-
genuity of the deed. Wo (I was one
half) made tho gun look so inoffensive
that no Bosch could possibly have
taken a counter-offensive against such
an object. Not even a baby- killer would
think of issuing an order like " Dilapi-
dated mangle, half left, apparently
struck by lightning, 700 yards, tire! " so
completely had we disguised the death-
dealing terror. Not less completely did
the instructor disguise his admiration.
You should see our class. At all
times we are a hive of unremitting
industry; but most of all when it
coine-i to cleaning the gun after firing.
The instructor himself monopolizes the
gun, fiddling about with that air of
deft sag, icily poculiar to the born
iiKvhanic. Whitton stands at the
ready with tho clo.ining rod, every
fibre alert, as he supports his supple
frame again-it a pillar. I ngleby, seated,
is s.ving thai nothing happens to tho
losk, while J5urfiold is looking round
busily for tho oil-tin. Not one of us
but has a special job.
Optimistic Old Gentleman (in darkened ttreef). " Wuw., THAT'S THK F.UST TIMB FOB
THIIKK WKKKS. I'M GETTING EVEIt SO MUCH BETTKK AT DODGING 'EM ! "
Those of us who meet our worries
all the way aro perturbed at the
prospect of making our needs known
in Teutonic. Ingleby only knows two
words, to wit Iwchste ge/echtsbcreit-
schafl ; and even with them lie is not
quite at ease. He can never remember
whether they are one of tho War Lord's
shorter titles or the technical term for
some breed of Westphalian sausage.
On the whole, however, wo aro too
deeply absorbed in the machine gun
to allow cosmopolitan predicaments of
the near or far future to upset us.
Whitton, who has undertaken to ring
up about forty-five acquaintances on
his arrival in town, is permanently
(1 pressed by the conviction that the
I only number he will bo able to give
the operator when called on will Ixs
"303 Maxim." And yet there are those
among the authorities who complain
that we take our instruction too light-
heartedly.
Another Case for the N.S.P.C.C.
" Wanted, young girl to assist with konnrl
of toy dogs, sleep in, wages 3i. 6d. per weak."
Daily Mail.
Tn Orders at a certain Volunteer
Hi Ho Camp of Exercise in Central
India: —
" Any Volunteer improbably dicss?d will be
'••d."
! It is to avoid this painful contingency
that our Volunteers at home are trying
ot uniforms.
PUNCH, Oil TIIK LONDON CHARIVARI.
17, 1915.
THE USE OF THE RIFLE.
I IIAVK developed quite a martial
hearing lately, and this lias led to a
rumour that 1 :t:n seeking promotion.
rumour appears to have reached
Our (' ;m:uid<T. Ho found
me in tho i-a'nlern : night and
'• me it 1 could instruct a squad in
the use of tho rilli'. J said, " Yes, Sir.''
,. Sir " in tho
. to an oiliivr wi en ho ;:s'.s if you
oandoanything. Be may take your word
for it. in ffhioboaseyOU get .crod it easily.
Ho may pursue the mat tor further, and
you have to explain that you
thought that he meant something else
or trust to his pulling down yo;ir an-
s'.ver to an excess of optimism. There
is no punishment in tho Kind's lv\i;:i-
lations for optimi-m. My Company
Commander pursued the matter further.
He improvised a squad consisting of t\vo
Platoon Commanders, one Sergeant-
major, two Section Commanders, one
Private and himself. On his instructions
the Sergeant-major dumped a rillo in
my hands. I was told that my squad
consisted of resiuits and knew nothing
and that I was to instruct them in the
use of the rifle.
I admit that I was nervous. I didn't
mind the squad so much, though the
Sergeant-major fell in with an annoying
griu on his face. It was the rifle that
put me off; I have felt the same sen-
sation when a female relative has un-
expectedly handed a bahy to me, and
I believo that I nursed that rifle in
somewhat the samo way. It seemed
to have a pesvish look as though it
knew that I was going to say slanderous
things about it. However, I pulled
myself together and assumed as nearly
as possible the Sergeant-major's air
and began.
" Gentlemen — I should say — Squad.
Strictly speaking, I shouldn't have
addressed you as ' Gentlemen,' you
being recruits, thougli personally I "see
no reason why tho courtesies of life
should he disregarded even in the army,
but I know certain people hold a
different opinion."
I glanced at the Sergeant-major to
see if he had grasped my point, but he
hadn't properly finished his original
grin, so I said, " No laughing in the
ranks," and that brought his face into
the normal with a jerk. This restored
my confidence, and I felt that I should
get through all right if I didn't have
to particularise too minutely about the
weapon, and 1 went on, " Now I 'm
going to instruct you in the use of the
rifle. You're only recruits, so you don't
knowanythingaboutit; I'm instructing
you, and you 'vo got to believe what I
tell you. I don't want you to forget
that. These are little things, but if you
remember them you won't — forget
them.
"Now this is a ride. As you 'ro re-
cruits, you haven't seen one before and
it may ho a long time before you see
one again. Look at it well so that if
you should happen to meet one you
will recognise it. The rifle is primarily
used for drilling purposes. It can ho
carried in various positions which 1
won't trouble you about now. Its
I rimary object is to accustom the
so'.dier to carrying heavy weights ant!
to restrain the exuberance of his spirits.
You want to he careful how you carry it
or you '11 become a nuisance to your
neighbours and an expanse to your
countiy. Its secondary object is to
shoot at an enemy, if you happen tj
meet one and somebody has remem-
bered to issue the cartridges. You will
notice that the rifle has two ends.
Tliis is the butt end and this is— the
other cud. You want to remember
this, as if you mistake tho ends you
may do unintentional damage. It is
mostly held by the butt end, except
when clubbing an enemy or other un-
desirable person. "Clubbing" is not
recommended. If you, hit the cnomy
you may strain the rifle; if you miss
him you '11 probably strain your arms.
" To load the rifle you pull this thing
down " — I pulled at what I subse-
quently discovered to be the trigger
guard, but nothing happened. I then
tried another likely -looking piece of
metal and to my gratification this gave
way and disclosed a hole. I at once
showed this hole to my squad and
continued —
" You will observe that this part of
the rifle, which is known as the barrel,
has a hole at each end. You put your
cartridge in this end, and, if your rifle
is well constructed, the bullet comes
out the other end. Of course the rifle
won't as a general rule fire itself; you
have to help it. You do this by pulling
the trigger. This protuberance hero
is technically called the trigger. It's
important that you should know this
because, if you don't know the trigger,
you can't be expected to pull it and
your rifle as often as not won't go off'.
You '11 look silly if your comrades are
shooting Germans like rabbits and you
don't get one through not finding tho
trigger.
"The rifle may bo fired standing,
sitting, kneeling or lying down, but in
no other positions. You should re-
mernbc • this so as not to make stupid
mistakes. And you want to be careful
which way your rillo is pointing when
it goes off. It 's best to point it in the
direction of the enemy, otherwise the
bullet may fly oft' harmlessly or only
strike one of your own men. This is a
waste of Government ammunition and
may tend to make you unpopular
among your fellows. Daring training,
inanimate targets will ho supplied for
shooting practice. Interned and im-
prUoned Germans are requited by the
Government to occupy first class liners
and expensive mansions and won't he let
out for other purposes. Targets are
not so interesting to shoot at as live
enemies, but they have the merit of not
being able to shoot back. To each
target there is a marker. If the marker
dislikes you ho will signal "miss"
every time you lire, and you '11 he sent
hack for iurlh.T instruction in aiming.
You ought to bo careful to hit the light
(argot. If yon get a bull on the
wrong target it may bo scored up to
tho man next to you and he will thus
obtain an unfair advantnge.
" Well, then, ihat 's the lifle and h.iw
to use it. I haven't given it to you
exactly in the words of the book, be-
cause it isn't expressed v< ry clearly
there and, being recruits, you mightn't
nndcrstand it all. You can read
what it says in the book at any time
and you don't need mo to repeat it
to you. Now, don't say you haven't
been told about tho ritlo if anyone asks
you. Of course you haven't learnt
everything about every rifle — nobody
has. Eifles are like women and each
one has its own little idiosyncrasies.
The best rifles have a kind of hold-all
in the butt where you carry your
cigarettes and matches on active service
and, if there's any room left, a cleaning
outfit. This rifle is one of the simpler
kind and doesn't seem to have such a
thing about it. If it has, I haven't
touched the right spring to open it, but
then I 'm not accustomed to handling
second-rate goods.
" Now you 'd better each go through
what I 've told you and I '11 correct you
when you're wrong."
The rumour of my promotion is still
unconfirmed, but I gather this is duo
to red tapo or jealousy.
Our Classical Stylists.
" . . . . though his smile was fascinating
as ever, his bow as magnificently gracious,
black care, stowed under his broad shirt-front,
gnawed ferociously, like the Spartan boy at
his fox." — lied Magazine.
When Atra Cura deserted her usual
position on the back of her victim it was
quite justifiable for the Spartan boy to
do a little inversion on his own account.
Submarine Coincidence.
" Both submarine and steamer were within
a short distance of each other."
Daily Telegraph.
a 17, 1 !)!.-,.]
PUNCH, nil TIIK l,oM>n\ niAUIV.MM.
209
Nervous Ol
IF THAT Gl/N 8 LOADKD, WILL YOU PLKAS13 11OLD TIIK BPOCT OUT OF 'IHK \VI;>,
PESTS.
REPORTS from the Continent state
that the soil of the whole of Belgium
and part of Franco has boon devastated
by hordes of maggots, insects, mealy !
bugs, weevils, parasites, lice and slugs; i
and that scabs, blight and fungi lie!
thickly everywhere, especially where |
there is little light and a lack of proper i
means of ventilation. Tho following
list, though by no means complete,
may be found useful : —
(! HUMAN BLIGHT. — The bacteria pro-
ducing this blight have a most remark- ,
able culture. Tho blight destroys
whatever it touches. A Jofl're Sprayer, j
75 millimetre nozzle, has boon found
to be most ellieacious and is keeping
the blight well under. Another method
is to tako some cuttings of the British
oak and place them in trenches; these
soon begin to shoot, and not only form
an elt'eetivo barrier but drive baak
the "blighters," as these devastating
organisms are called.
THE KAISHU PUKT. — This preys every-
where. It is known by its bleeding
beart and an insinuating proboscis
associated with two upturned antennae.
It has an inflated head and is closely
related to the Willy Bug. It likes a
place in the sun or any strong light,
and seems to thrive in close proximity
to the Krupp plant. The only treat-
ment for this loathsome pest is sulphur
fumes and a constant temperature of
100° C.
THE KIEL SLUG. — This belongs to
the order of Infanticide. Very few
specimens have been seen, and these
have at once succumbed to tho applica-
tion of a brush with British tar. Tho
very excellent spirits of salts brought
out by the (inn Jellicoe has a para-
lysing effect upon this slug.
TUB ZEPPELIN MOTH. — From its size
this insect appears more harmful than
it really is.' It has been known to drop
its eggs on and destroy cabbages. Many
growers remove their young plants to
cellars when they see tins moth hover-
ing about, as it seems to have an
especial liking for anything young and
tender.
THE SPY GLOWWORM. — This has been
observed on tho East Coast. It has a
well-developed motor nerve, which
causes it to move about quickly. After
dark it emits a bright light, and this
attracts the Zeppelin moth. Any good
copper preparation will arrest this evil.
THE SNIPER MAGGOT. — This is a
nocturnal feeding grub and difficult to
locate. Some are spotted and some
are not. The spotted variety does not
live long. The only remedy is to pick
off each one when located and to be
very careful when potting.
Cons ton tinopoli tana.
I:i ppite of war's alarms the more
thoughtful among the Turks continue
their interest in Culture. Literature is
not neglected. It is stated that the
book most in demand in the local cir-
culating libraries is (Jiieen Elizabeth
anil Her anti '-(iernuin Canlcil.
A Turkish War Fund is now being
organised, and contributions are begin-
ning to come in. A leading pasha heads
tho list with a donation of ten wives.
A serious shortage of cash prevails.
It is noticed that the tram-conductors,
following instructions to take payment
in kind, say, " Fez, please."
210
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CM A III V AIM. | MARCH 17. 1915.
OUR VOLUNTEER RESERVE.
A Imiriny Wife iu-ho has been 1 1 watch her husband's corps drill in uniform for the first time). "I THOUGHT you ALL I.OOKKD SPLENDID,
SAB. THERE'S JUST O.VE THING I SHOULD LIKE TO SUGGEST; AND THAT is THAT YOU ALL WEAK SOCKS TO MATCH Youn PUTTEES."
HIM:
RACING AND WAR.
NOTABLE PROTESTS.
MB. GEORGE LAMBTON'S eloquent
plea on behalf of the trainers in last
Wednesday's Times has brought uc a
great budget of letters in support of
his views, from which we select the
following : —
AN ILLUMINATING COMPARISON.
SIB, — Mr. LAMBTON has not in my
opinion made enough of the appalling
fact that no fewer than 174 trainers
are likely to suffer seriously from any
attempt to close down horse-racing.
Have any of your readers taken the
trouble to work out these figures? I
have done so, and may point out that
they represent something like one in
1,000 of our total casualties up to date,
or one-tenth per cent. Comment is
needless.
I am, Sir, Yours faithfully,
ABITHMETICUS.
THE BLAMELESS " BOOKIE."
DEAB SIB, — Mr. LAMJITON'S letter is
excellent so far as it gees, but it does
not go anywhere near far enough. He
speaks of the hardships of trainers, but
he says nothingof the terrible privations
likely to bo inflicted on other classes of
industrious and highly intelligent citi-
zens. For example, I was recently
^ disaster: — (1) The makers of that
I particular form of luncheon-basket,
i which is de rigucur at these gatherings ;
• (2) the makers of cliampagne-bottifc
openers; (3) the manufacturers oi
that unique type of top hat worn
by the "bookies." As the result of a
careful investigation I have come
to the conclusion that the course
which a few fanatics are seeking to
impose on the nation would affect at
least fifty- four persons employed in
these trades. And what of the brave
fellows whoso special function it is
at these meetings to discover suitable
horse- or duck-ponds in which tD
immerse "Welshes"? It would be
indeed a Listing disgrace if they were
to find their occupation gone.
Yours faithfully,
PHILANTHROPIST.
informed by a Metropolitan magistrate
that in the neighbourhood of Clapham
Junction there exists a huge colony of
bookmakers, who have chosen that
neighbourhood because of its central
position and facilities for communica-
tion. This fact indicates not only intel-
ligence but a certain capacity for self-
sacrifice, since no one would live near
Clapham Junction for the amenities of
the landscape. These men, as I have
said, are to be reckoned not in scores,
liko trainers, but in thousands. They
are extraordinarily interesting as types
of a high civilisation, and as for their
manners and conversation I can confi-
dently appeal to those who have tra-
velled in the train with them for confirm-
ation of my estimate. To their liberality
1 can testify from personal experience.
With my own eyes I saw one of them
disburse a sovereign to a to.tal stranger
who hadcoriectly "spotted" the knave
in the three-card trick. Personally I
wai less fortunate, but that may have
been due to my shortsightedness, which
is hereditary in our family.
I am, Sir, Yours faithfully,
OXFORD M.A.
MOKE VICTIMS OF PURITANISM.
DEAB SiR, — Permit me to add to Mr. " For Sale, Bull Calf, a toper.— Ross's Hotel
list three other meritorious yard, Parkgate Street." — Irish Times.
Sad, in one so young. The proximity of
German " Official."
"Near Rava we repulsed two Russian night
attacks. Russian attacks from the district of
i Noveraiasto wcra unsuccessful. There we
captured -,005 prisoners." — Star.
We presume this means -005. If they
j can't decimate the Eussians they de-
cimalize them.
callings for which tho discontinuance
of our great race meetings would spell the hotel bar no doubt accounts for it.
PUNCH, oil Till', LONDON rilAKI VAIII. MAK.-H 17. 191/i.
QUEEN ELIZABETH ENTERS THE DARDANELLES.
17, I'.lhV
PUNCH, Oi: TIIK LONDON CHAKIVAKI.
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
(!''.XTu.\<-n:u HIOM TIII. !,'i '[ p.j
•vsr
of Commons, Monday, Qlh
Mil i i-li.- — Useful conversation about
lionm^ton I hill. Circumstantial re-
port lias transformed this long-unin-
habited mansion, a sort of Bleak House
in itn locality, into a stately country
residence, sumptuously furnished for
the convenience and comfort of captive
(lennan ofiinTs, with suitable accom-
modation for their body - servants.
Righteous indignation among patriots,
who contrast this treatment not only
with what our missing ollicers- suffer in
(ierman prisons, but with accommoda-
tion provided at our homo barracks.
TT.NNANT read plain statement, show-
ing that only necessary repairs to a
dilapidated mansion had been under-
taken. As to lavishnoss of interior
arrangements lie drew graphic picture
of the captives each with a strip of
cheap carpet by bis bed, a plain wash-
sland, half a cheap chest-of-drawers,
and rather less floor space than is
allowed per man in tho barrack-room
in peace time.1.
" It 's the name of the house that's
accountable for all this fuss," sajs the
MKMHKU FOR SAHK. "Reminds me of
an old story about W. S. GIUIKRT.
One night at tho Club an ox-City
official of pompous habits, desiring to
impress the company with duo sense
MR. F. D. ACLAND AS " CASABUNCA."
of his importanco, took occasion inci-
dentally to mention that his country
address was Dove Court, ChUlohurst.
(Dove wasn't his family name, but will
serve.)
" 'Dove Court,' cried GII.HF.RT, prick-
ing up his ears with feigned interest,
' what number? '
"If Donington Hall bad been 15, 20
or any number you like in any street
that occurs to you there would ha\e
bean none of this fuss."
Business done. — Several emergency
Bills advanced a stage.
Tuesday. — Can hardly be said that
BEES treated his audience very well.
Didn't mean anything rude; probably
unconscious of offence. Nevertheless
there it was, and may for months
rankle in an honest bosom.
As things often do in House of
Commons it fell out unexpectedly. At
close of busy sitting adjournment
moved a little before nine o'clock. Jn
ordinary course motion would have
been accepted and shutters forthwith
put up. HEES, however, had prepared
a short paper on contingency of further
increase of taxation upon liquir, and
meant to read it. Was master of situ-
ation since — to serve for blood-letting
of Members threatened with vertigo
owing to rush of words to tho head —
an hour must, if insisted on, elapse
between the motion for adjournment
and its being carried into effect.
Tho interval is at the service of any
Meml>eror group of Members who want
to talk on miscellaneous matters.
But you can't compel other Members
to stay and listen. Accordingly, when
HI:KS got up on his legs Members
incontinently took to theirs. Only
ACLAND, sole representative of tho
Government, Casabianca of House of
Commons, remained on tho benches
whence all but ho had fled. Even
SPEAKER had withdrawn, leaving his
Deputy to see the thing out from tho
Chair.
Nothing daunted, RKKB proceeded to
discourse about potential iniquity on
part of absent CHANCELLOR OK I A-
<•iiKyrr.it, whom ho shrewdly suspected
of intent to screw another penny out
of the publican. There was a sound of
revelry at the outer door where group
of Members gathered.
" Time ! time ! " they called.
" Speak up!" one shouted.
KICKS ignored the ribaldry. His
audience sat attentive. DEPUTY-
SiT.AKKit looked anxiously at tho clock.
This sort of thing might go on for
another three-quarters of an hour.
Hoped the SPEAKER was having a good
PUNCH, Oil THK LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 17, 1!)15.
.MANUFACTURERS]
OF GENUINE
KDTJB3H
ILIttflt-
I M PORTE ItS
OF GENUINE
A CASE WHERE IICWESTY IS AFTEB ALL, THE BEST POLICY.
time somewhere. (This sarcastically
to himself.)
Suddenly one hroke away from group
at doorway ; entered House ; seated
himself for a moment on front hench
helow Gangway ; rising, moved a count
and straightway bolted.
It was here that happened what in
diplomatic language is sometimes
alluded to as " a regrettable incident."
In accordance with ordinary procedure
REES, interrupted by a count, was
obliged to resume his seat, while for
space of two minutes the bells signalled
the motion through all the rooms
and corridors. Casablanca, M.P., the
flames from the burning dock meta-
phorically creeping nearer, sat motion-
loss on Treasury Benob. Not so REES.
Anxiously watching the door and find-
ing none came in to " make a House,"
ho, before the two minutes' interval
elapsed, lied.
This unchivalrous dosert:on of an
audience that had stood by liim to the
last, may, ns suggested, have wounded
an honest breast. Casabianca made no
sign. He was there to do his duty and
there remained.
Task of DEPUTY-SPEAKER thus be-
came an easy one. Rising with inten-
tion to discover \vliclhcr the statutory
quorum of forty Members was present
lis iix'jd his eye on the unmurmuring
Acuxux
" One," he counted. Then, after al-
most imperceptible pause, added, "The
House will now adjourn."
Which it (meaning Casabianca) forth-
with did.
Business done. — A good deal, in-
cluding introduction of Bill to amend
Defenceof theRealm Act. "Probably the
most drastic measure ever submitted to
the House of Commons," said BONAR
LAW. But he offered no opposition,
leaving responsibility with Government.
Monday, 15th March.— Striking evi-
dence of position of affairs in time of
truce is dumbly presented by appear-
ance of bench by exit door in central
Lobby. In ordinary times here on
guard sits one of the Ministerial Whips.
Alert, imperative, it is his business to
challenge any member of the Tarty
attempting to pass out. Where was
ho going to? When would ho be
back? Certainly must be on the spot
when bell sounded for pending division.
To-day and on all days since session
was resumed 1:0 division has been ex-
pected. Members accordingly are free
to come and go at their own sweet will.
Only once was a division so much as
threatened. It happened a fortnight
ago, when Labour Members, thinking
it time they reminded their constitu-
ents of continued existence, moved an
amendment on question of food prices
and alleged shortcoming of the Govern-
ment in thai connestion. Instantly
old familiar ways were returned to.
Tho Whip reappeared on sentry duty
at the doorway. Summonses wera
dispatched, by telephone and special
messenger, to errant Members de-
manding their instant return to
House. It was a wholesome whiff of
a familiar breeze, usefully showing that,
though peace reigned, powder was kept
dry. As it happened threatened division
was averted, and Whip's bench by door-
way resumed deserted appearance it
presents to-night.
Business dona. — Work of pre-Easter
section of Session completed. To-
morrow both Houses adjourn for excep-
tionally long recess.
Reprisals.
Tho Kolnische Zeitung says " Eng-
land wishes war to the knife and she
shall have it." In return, England
will be pleased to supply Germany
with war to the knife and lork.
Set a Ewe to catch, a XT.
" At the s.imc time the Commander of the
torpedo boat, if on looking over the surface of
the sev with a practised ewe saw no ship in
sight, yet distinguished the sound of a screw,
he would immediately conclude that there was
a submarine in his neighbourhood sailing
under water." — Scotsman.
Wo knew that many of our war-vessels
were provided with rams, but this is a
now development.
MAHCH 17, 1915.]
"II TIIM LONDON CIIAIMVARI.
PORTSMOUTH BELLS.
A I.AXY sea camo washing in
Right through the Harbour mouth,
\\liero grey and silont, half asleep,
The lords of all the oceans keep,
West, Kast, and North and South.
The Summer sun spun cloth of gold
Upon the twinkling sea,
And little t.b.d.'s lay close,
Stern near to stern and nose to nose,
And slumbered peacefully.
Oh, bells of Portsmouth Town,
Oh, bolls of Portsmouth Town,
You rang of peace upon the seas
Before the leaves turned brown.
A greyish sea goes sweeping in
Beyond the boom to-day;
The Harbour is a cold, clear space,
For far beyond the Solent's race
The grey-flanked cruisers play.
For it 's oh ! the long, long night up
North,
The sullen twilit day,
Where Portsmouth men cruise up and
down,
And all alone in Portsmouth Town
Are women left to pray.
Oh, bolls of Portsmouth Town,
Oh, bells of Portsmouth Town,
What will ye ring when once again
The green leaves turn to brown ?
BETES NOIRES.
WK were indulging in one of the
minor — or possibly major — pleasures
of life. We were discussing the kind
of people we most disliked. I don't
mean the real criminals, such as those
cabinet - makers who construct, and
those furniture-dealers who sell, chests
of drawers in which the drawers stick.
They are miscreants for whom there
should be government machinery of
punishment. I mean the people who
moan well — always a poisonous class
— but irritate subtly and in such a way
that you can't hit back : the people,
for example, who take one of your own
pet stories, begin to tell it to you and
won't stop even when you say that
you know it. People like that, and
people who are so polite that they
make ordinary decent manners appear
brutish by contrast; and people who
continually ask you if you know such
and such a C3lebrity and seem shocked
if you don't ; and people who want to
know if you are doing anything on
Friday fortnight ; and people who could
have done such and such a thing for
you if you had only asked them three
minutes sooner.
Those are the kind of people I mean,
and wo had o.ich named one variety
when it came to the Traveller's turn.
" I '11 tell you the people I most dis-
like," ho said. " They are the people
THE SHORTAGE OF MEN.
"Now THEN! WHAT DO YOU LITTLE BOYS WAKT?"
"'E'S VEB BAKER, 'N' I'M VEB BUTCHER'. AN' WE *VB COME FOB OBDEB8."
who have always seen, in foreign places, '
he best thing of all, and it is always
something that you yourself have
missed. You are comparing notes,
say, on Italy (it is usually Italy, by
;he way). ' Of course you went to
Pastel Petrarca,' says your companion.
No.' 'Why, it's perfectly wonderful
and only half-an-hour's drive. There 's
,he most exquisite view there in the
world and a villa overlooking the river,
with a garden — well, all other gardens1
are ridiculous ever after : even that
ewel of a place near Savenna. You j
jnow — on the right of the road as you
drive out to Acqua Forte.' "
He paused for breath and then con-
,inued : " Or you are talking of pictures
— the work, say, of Binatello of Porli,
that little known but supreme master.
' Of course ' (they always begin with
' of course ') — ' of course you have seen
the Annunciation in the little chapel
at Branca Secca?' you are asked.
'No! But how appalling! You too! —
to think of you missing it, of all
people ! ' (This is a particularly horrid
stab). • Why, it 's the best thing of all ;
it's Binatello at his very finest. It
has all the charm of the Parmesan
Madonna, with the broader, stronger
manner of the Orefico Deposition added.
It 'a marvellous. Fancy you not seeing
that. Well, I am sorry.'
" Those are the people I most dislike,"
said the Traveller.
MAHCH 17, 1915.
THE NEW ORDER.
' Bloss my soul, George, there
bo
.. How old bo you. Luthor Cherrinmn spoke ,n no
-if I may ask it of you ? " ." Gentlem
MVelcomc, I'm sure to any know might say.
soon
as you can learn off of mo.
seventy-one last Eastertide— as '11
bo 'ere agon."
" And I bo sixty-nine. You carries
your years uncommon well, Luther so
Cherriman— specially about your 'ead
of 'air."
"That be 'long o' tho way my darter
do tip parallin-can over it
Saturday nights. Won'erful
good thing for the 'air be
paraffin. Ev'ry Saturday
night my darter do brush
my 'air, me sittin' in my
arm-chair comfortable as you
please. An' then over goes
the paraffin-can."
" Your 'air bo near as black
as a crow's wing. If they
judged a man by 'is 'air alono
you'd be 'most too young
for this 'ere Vet'rans' Bri-
gade, Luther."
"Couldn't say that same
for you, George. You 'asn't
a 'air to spare like, an' them
as you 'as is grey."
" Still, for a Vet'rans' Bri-
gade, 'oo shall say as grey
'air mayn't be most the
thing?"
" You ain't truly thinkin'
o' joinin', George ? "
"I 'as been thinkin' as
you an' me did ought to set
the example, p'raps. What
d' you say, Luther ? "
" Badges on the arm, an'
the chance o' rubbin' shoul-
ders 'long o' Squire — them
be the sets-off like to a lot
o' standin' about an' a lot o'
up-an'-down work, an' a lot
o'.jaw — so I understands 'em
to say."
" The jaw 's what 's goin'
to make 'em into proper soldier-men.
Us, as 'ave 'ad to work for forty year
an' more for Squire, 'as no cause to be
shy of a taste o' jaw."
" "Andsome young sprig was Squire
when 'e first stepped into the old man's
shoes — so 'e was."
" 'Igh an' mighty, too — stand-offish
as you please."
" An" a wonner to jaw. But just an"
upright in 'is comin's in an' 'is goin's
out, as the Psalmses says."
" 'Ardly a look to throw at a woman,
let alone a man. Never sesmed to
know you from Adam unless you 'd
done some'at as 'e didn't like, an' then
'e 'd know you 'nough to fasten upon
you with 'is vials o' wrath — an' don't
uncommon.
I 'ears
you make no mistake. Lay 'is tongue
to «•! ^f^^d^dn? ^Lord, Luther-what be 'e goin' to
say? "
" I ain't joinin' nothin' to please
"Tlnt"'s right. Gentleman o' the | nobody."
do say. But | " Darned if I bo goin' to join neither,
up now', most ; Free badges nor nothin' won't tempt
An' ere ue Squire 'isself, ; me."
Coin' about village an' " Evening, George-evening, Chora-
BCin' folk to join this an' man ; men I wanted— both of you
morisin' it be!" ; Now what about this Veterans Brigade?
-'It's that oSl Keyser's doin', first Think yo-elve^bit stiff, I dare s^y.
join, you can — easily. If wo
can't keep it up wo must
drop out presently — when
they 've got their numbers
up. What?"
" I be sixty-nine, Sir, an'
Cherriman 'ere seventy-one."
" Bit on the old side, all
of us. Can't be helped.
Dare say wo shall look three
old fools, but if we can't
even make fools of ourselves
at a time like this when can
we ? I '11 pick up the pair
of you at this corner on
Thursday evening -- 7.45
sharp. What?"
" Us should like to say,
Sir ... "
" You '11 not desert me, I
know. Man and boy we've
HEAD OP " PUNISH ENGLAND" BUREAU INVENTS NEW
"BTUNT." EDIBLE FISH TO BE BRANDED AND BETUHNED TO
OCEAN TO INFLUENCE WORLD OPINION AGAINST ENGLAND.
an' last. 'Tis this 'ere War fair mud-
dlin' up ev'rything an' changin' things
so as a man can barely call 'is soul 'is
own. Pretty soon there won't be no
upper classes, an" no lower classes
neither.'
then."
Rare dull old spot world '11 ba
i."
Not whiles there be men an' women
in it — an' wo be fast gettin' back into
just men an' women. Years an' years
we've been sortin' of ourselves out
like, an' now we be slippin' back to
what things used to be in them old
Scripture times. One man 's as good
as t'other, as you might say."
" That bo so. War be a terrible
destroyin' thing ..."
worked together in our dif-
ferent ways — I 'm depending
on your support. Good
night."
" So us 'as got to rub
shoulders 'long o' Squire
whether us likes it or not.
War be a won'orful thing!
Us an' Squire drillin' 'long-
side one another an' wearin'
o' the same badges."
"Won'erful 'nough to
change Squire's way o' doin'
things, too, war be. Times
'e would 'ave said, ' You join
or take the sack — one or t'other ! ' '
" Us must take care o' Squire. We
be used to 'c, an' 'e be worth preservin'
seemin'ly."
A Useful Aide for the Kaiser's Eagle.
" Chicken.— Laying Crosses, day to week
old, 5s. 6d. ; fortnight, 6s. 6d. dozen."
Jii'istol Evening Times ami Kclio.
Infantry Instruction.
The following is inscribed on the
ticket of admission to a recent enter-
tainment at Carlisle : —
" War Lecture and Lantern Slides, by Mr.
H. K. Campbell, on Thursday, March llth,
at '2.30 p.m., at the Queen's Hall, West Walls.
Price 2d. Only Babies in Arms admitted."
MAHCH 17, 1915.]
PUNCH, Oil TIIK LONDON CIIAIMVAKI.
•JI7
WHAT TO DO WITH OUR GERMAN HELMETy.
218
PUNCH, Oil TIIK LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAKCH 17, 1915.
A NAVAL ENGAGEMENT.
Tin: question w.is, how to break it
to her father.
" D.ul is always very diflicult about
il," said Angola pensively. An un-
worthy suspicion flitted through my
mini, "but fortunately her next words
dispelled it.
'• I was thinking," she went on, "of
what lupp'tied when Marjorio got en-
gaged last July, and Alice in April, and
Muriel the Christinas before. They
were three awfully nice men and wo
were frightfully keen on them. I re-
mumber how we watched them each
time from behind the curtains of the
old nurssry window as they walked up
the drive, and how extremely correct
and nervous they looked. The same
things happened on all three occasions.
First they rang the boll, very gently.
Then Parsons let them in, and we
heard them from the first landing ask
if the Admiral was at homo. Then they
had to wait for about ten minutes in
the hall, while Dad got ready for thorn
in the library."
" Ah ! " I murmured with a shiver.
" It must have been rather trying
work waiting; at any rate, they seemed
to fidget and wander round a good deal.
Then Dad saw them in the library.
This always took about twenty minutes.
And then they came out again, and
Parsons opened the door for them, and
they went away looking She
paused and sighed.
" Yes," I said anxiously, " looking — ? "
" Absolutely crumpled," she replied.
" But each time of course Dad relented
afterwards. You Ses, they were all
three Service men and quite eligible."
"And 1 am only a special constable,"
I said bittetij'.
" Poor old boy ! It isn 't your fault,"
said Angela ; " we all know you tried
to get into the army, but couldn't pass
the sight test."
" On the other hand," I continued a
littlo more hopefully, " 1 suppose I 'm
all right from the money point of view
and all that sort of thing. In fact, I
may say, Angela, without boasting that
1 can afford to regard even the present
price of coal with equanimity."
" That will certainly be a distinct
point in your favour," said Angela.
At half-past six on the following
evening I called to see the Admiral.
Parsons relieved me of my hat and
coat with the grave sympathy of a
priest preparing a victim for the altar.
"The Admiral will see you directly,
Sir," he said kindly, " if you will wait
a few minutes. He is engaged at
present."
" It 's raining hard outside, Parsons,"
I said, as I wiped my boots.
" Yes, Sir, but it will be over pres-
ently, like all our troubles, Sir."
As ho was going out an idea seemed
to strike him. " You will pardon my
suggesting it, Sir," ho said in a low
voice, " but sometimes a small glass of
liqueur brandy is helpful ; it has a very
buoyant effect, Sir."
" No, thank you, Parsons," I an-
swered, "I will wait till after dinner."
It was a quarter-of-an-hour before
the Admiral was ready for me. As
I entered tho library and encountered
his gaze I almost regretted for one
brief moment that I had not ac-
cepted Parsons' offer of a stiffener.
Though small in stature tho Admiral
has an eye of the destroyer pattern.
When he steers it suddenly in your
direction you realise at once that
Britain rules the waves ; you also ex-
perience an unpleasant sinking sensa-
tion. I decided to ongago without
delay. " Good evening, Admiral," I
said ; " I have called —
" Sit down, Sir, pray sit down," he
interrupted. I sat down.
"Now what can I do for you?" he
demanded grimly.
I headed straight for his bows. " I
have called," I repeated, " as an official
of the local special constabulary to
ask why you persistently disregard one
of the most important police regula-
tions recently issued to all inhabitants
of this district."
" What the devil do you mean ? " he
snapped. .
"Evening after evening," I said,
" your windows are a blaze of light.
Yet you have been ordered to darken
every aperture. Why haven't you had
them fitted with green blinds?"
" Because I don't choose to," be
growled.
" I 'm surprised at you ; a man of
your profession should understand the
meaning of discipline. But that is not
all. The night before last I detailed
two of your keepers for duty as special
constables from 1 to 5 A.M. They failed
to put in an appearance, and pleaded
in excuse that you wouldn't let them
off their turn in the covers. Is that
correct?"
This shot evidently got him in his
boilers. " How am I to deal with
poachers if I can't employ my
keepers ? " he asked.
" That," I said, " is your concern, not
ours. It seems to me, Admiral, that
you have got yourself into an extremely
awkward corner. Of course, though,
they may let you off with a fine."
" You don't mean to say," ho ex-
claimed, " that your people are going
to take proceedings against me ? Why,
man, I was on the Bench myself till
last year! "
" We shall have to consider the
matter," I replied. " The next point I
have to bring to your notice is the
conduct of your youngest daughter. I
have met her several times lately "
" So I believe," he said drily.
" riding her bicycle on the foot-
path after lighting-up tiino without a
lamp; a double misdemeanour, you
understand. So far she has on each
occasion been merely cautioned not to
do it again, but it is my duty to warn
you that there are limits to the patience
even of a special constable."
"Is that all?" he asked. He was
now listing heavily to port.
"By no means, but I will only
mention one thing more this evening.
I hear on trustworthy authority that
you have been aiding and abetting your
chauffeur, John Martin, in evading the
law which requires him to have his
child vaccinated before the ago of six
months, or lodge a conscientious ob-
jection to the operation. So far ho has
done neither, and he has only two days
to run. John Martin is reported to
have said that you said it would be all
right, and you would sec him through.
It will probably cost you a considerable
sum to do so."
"I didn't know your jurisdiction
extended to vaccination," said tho
Admiral in a dull voice.
Nor did I, hut I wasn't going to
admit it. " Our powers are practically
unlimited," I said.
He pondered for a minute or so, and
I noted with satisfaction that he was
sinking visibly by tho head. " What
the deuce am I to do about it all? " he
asked at length.
" The best thing you can do,
Admiral," I said, " is to allow your
prospective son-in-law to tow you into
port. I daresay I can put it all straight
for you."
"How did you manage it? " asked
Angela at about 10.30.
But I refused to give the Admiral
away.
A TRIOLET.
WHEN yon came in your jacket of groen,
With a little red rose in each cheek,
The March wind was bitterly keen,
When you came in your jacket of green.
I saw you appear on the scene,
And I thought it was midsummer
week,
When you came in your jacket of green,
With a little red rose in each cheek.
" Typist and Shorthorn Clerk wanted."
Kewbury Weekly News.
If tho advertiser succeeds in securing
this horny-headed son of toil it will bo
a notable triumph of " breeding to type."
MARCH 17, I!) IT,.
PUNCH, oil Till-; LONDON CHARIVARI.
(Mr. TESNAXT, rcplyiug to a question in the House of Commons regarding billots, said, " Ample cubic space is provided.")
1st Tommy. "ONLY OXE BBD! 'Ow 'VE WE OOT TO FIX IT, BILL?"
2nd Tommy. "WELL, surrosiN* I TAKKS THE BED, ASD YOU CAN HAVE THE CUBIC BPACB?"
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)
ONE of the plcasantest of Mr. MAUIUCE HEWLETT'S early
short stories concerns, I remember, the tribulations of a
man who, having endured torments for the sake of his lady-
love, found, when rewarded by her hand, that fulfilment
was not so much to his taste as hopeless worship. I am
reminded of this because the same author's latest book,
A Lovers' Tale (WAUD, LOCK), is to some extent an
amplification of this theme. Cormac, the hero — the story
is laid in the Iceland of Viking times — loved Stangerd; nay
more, boing a skald, he gave free rein to a habit of dropping
into indifferent poetry (like Silas Wegg) about heron all occa-
sions. Which was fun enough for Cormac, not unpleasing to
Stangerd, but simply infuriating to her father and relations.
One rather feels for them. However, when various folk had
set themselves, with axes and other arguments, to regulate
the situation, the pair were formally betrothed,, according
to market rates, and with everything in order. Whereupon
Cormac blew hot and cold, threw some harsh words at his
unfortunate fianctic, and finally rode away, leaving her to
become the bride of an elderly lover who at least knew his
own mind. This is the matter of the tale which, as Mr.
HKWLKTT tells us in a note, is taken by him from an old
Saga. Ho has re-dressed it well enough, with a direct
simplicity of stylo very apt and becoming. But for all that
I am hound to say I like him better when he makes up his
own lovers and their tales. 1 should add that the book has
boon admirably illustrated with pictures of those large and
heavy-browed supermen of whom that other MAURICE,
Mr. GREIFKENHAGEN, has monopolised the secret.
The title, His English Wife (ARNOLD), the author's name,
BuDOLi'H STUAT/, and the fact, also announced on the
cover, that the book won a wide popularity in Germany
before the War broke out (note that " before ") at once
indicate the nature of the story and warn intending readers
that they may find their nation described as decadent at the
very least. 1 have never before found the seeing of myself
as others see me so comfortable a process ; whenever the
author spoke poorly of me, I could always say to myself,
"Ah, but he can't think that now!" Whenever, on the
other hand, bo spoke well of me I felt how right he was
shown to bo. Even before last August I already appeared
to him to be a sportsman and a gentleman, and to have a
baffling exterior suggestive of something indefinable behind.
Upon consideration, he decided that something to be a
rotten core, my constant habit of laughing having deceived
him into suspecting a frivolous indifference to all the things
that matter. Events have shown that my cloak of fun is
modestly donned to conceal my multitude of virtues and
prove that Edith Wilding's luck was out, or her judgment
warpod, when she passed me over and married that earnest
and purposeful soldier-man, Helmut Merker ... In the
' darkness of this hour we pray not least of all that Heaven
may awake at last some sense of humour in our unhappy
j enemy. Their want of it is a positive " kink," and that, as
the marching song runs, is the cause of all the trouble,
cause of all the strife. If our author could only have been
the exception — and his other merits made me hope to the
last that he would be — he might have se.-n beneath the
surface and warned his fellow-countrymen. His book
might have been less popular before the War, but himself
would be much more thought of now.
220
iT.\rii, <>i; TIIK LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 17, 1915.
The only tiling that I didn't admire about lietl llnir
(MuTHrr.N) was t ho publisher's puff, describing it as a book
" with a particular appeal to everybody \vho was ever
called carrots or ginger." What I mean is, if this system
oi specialisation i" literal urn is to bo continued, why not
"Fiction for the Freckled," or " Love- Lyrics of the Left-
handed "? And anyhow Mr. HOISEBT HALIFAX has written
a story that stands in no need of any such appsal. Since
be wrote J ~H'hi*tliiuj (Toman I have always taken a very
special pleasure in his work. Red Hair shows him with
une delicious humour sparkling upon a sombre hack-
ground of moan circumstance, the same sympathy (perhaps
a little nearer to sentiment than it used to be) and the same
sureness of character-drawing. As with his other books, this
is more a collection of happenings in one London neigh-
bourhood than an ordered and arranged novel. There is
little except geographical association between the episode
of Kate Whirl's love-affair and that of Mr. Bastablc's eject-
ment campaign for defaulting tenants. In this Islington
district indeed Mr. HALIFAX finds every variety of material,
tea, are asked, " Is it not vitriol ? " and " When are we to be
hanged?" Unforgivable devil's work this, surely ! And,
again, you find the very methodically organised loot, the
loaded plunder waggons in long columns creeping Knltur-
wards ; and such imaginative pleasantries as tho cutting of
a famous Madonna out of her ikon frame and the substitu-
tion of the KAISKK. When our author turns from impres-
sions to reflections he is, perhaps, less happy. Much may
be forgiven to a maker of books on so arduous a trek. But
there's a sort of Pleasant-Sunday-Afternoon air about the
later chapters that seems out of keeping with the rest.
Still a welcome and informing work.
An exasperating person, Robert MacWkinnie, one of those
strong, patient, big-souled men who go about asking for
trouble and then bear up against it bravely. There were
at least a dozen easy ways in which he could have avoided
the tragedy which spoiled ten years of his life, and he
deliberately selected the course which involved the most
from farce to the most
searching and poignant
pathos. His dialogue is
(there is no other ex-
pression for it) a fair
treat. I defy you to read
Mrs. Gundy, foiioxample,
unmoved by laughter ;
Mrs. Gaudy, whose ora-
torical flights were ham-
pored by ill-fitting front
teeth and an internal
malaise which compelled
her to the frequent
apology of " Manners ! "
Then turn from this to
the affair of the lodger's
mother, so human and
direct in its appeal ; or
to the whole treatment
of Mr. Whirl, a beauti-
fully - drawn character ;
and you will understand
why I venture to put Mr. HA.LIFAX at
mean street realists.
certain unhappiness.
THK SOCIAL SIDE OP WAR.
YOUNG CLYDESDALE CUTS TWO OLD HON-COMBATANT ACQUAINTANCES.
the head of our
In Russia and the World (CASSELL) Mr. STEPHEN GRAHAM
bells us much of our Eastern Allies, whom he knows and
loves as friends, which it is good and heartening for us to
know. If the book has the scrappiness inherent in detached
articles written on the march, it has also the freshness of
unstudied impressions conveyed at random by a sincere
observer. Mr. GRAHAM had the first news of war from a
mounted courier spurring through a Cossack village on the
Mongolian frontier, crying "War! War!" and trailin" a
blood-red flag. The men of the village were all eagerness
to go, but none had the faintest notion as to who was the
enemy. China? Japan? England? Verily a ready-made
sermon for pacifists! Only some days after came an
approximate version of the truth. Friendliness, simplicity
obstinate courage, a deep mystical piety— those charac-
teristics Mr. GHAHAM finds pre-eminently in the Eussian
common soldier. Of course there 's a reverse to the medal
—but the medal itself is of pure gold. He giv^s a general
repression of men fighting splendidly but without malice
You get a confirmation of what ia perhaps the most
dastardly of all the German systomatised villainies— the
teaching of their soldiery that the B issians would torture
their prisoners. So that the kindly captors offering
And even as regards the professional
side of his life he showed
no better judgment. He
was the owner of en-
gineering works on the
Thames, and had the
misfortune to have a
brother who was a pro-
fessional agitator. Did
he say to him, " Thomas,
old lad, blood is thicker
than water and all that,
but business is business.
Much obliged if you
wouldn't come round
eve:y day urging my
men to strike ? " No,
he gave Thomas the run
of the place, with the
natural results. You can-
not sympathise with a
man like that. Pity is
wasted. The Robert
MacWh i n n i c type of
man could not turn round without bumping into himself.
It is true that Mr. ANDREW SOUTAU ends Charily Corner
(CASSELL) on a note of optimism (" ' Yesterday 's gone.'
He stooped and kissed her. ' And thus — thus we await
to-morrow ' "), but one knows perfectly well that Robert's
troubles are not ended. Frankly he irritated me. Towards
Mr. SOUTAB my feelings are more mixed. He has tried to
write a bigger book than he has it in him to write, and he
has failed. But whether he is to be blamed for having
failed, or praised for having made a plucky attempt, to soar
above his limitations, I do not know. The problem is one
which must exercise the mind of every critic who wishes to
be fair. And as I wish to be very fair I will confess that
my verdict on Charily Corner may have been influenced by
the fact that one of the characters uses expressions like
" Hoots, hinny ! " Constitutionally I am incapable of stand-
ing that kind of thing.
The following tribute to the value of a recent work on
"Pulpit and Platform Oratory" seems worthy of a wider
publicity :—
I'Bov. J. Howl— 'For four years I suffered from periodic loss of
mce, and without Dr. 's instructions should never have been
blO to eilf.nr Hin MinicftMr * "
able to enter the Ministry.
' ' Why do people stay from churoh ? Dr.
's book is an answer.'
Expository Times.
MAUCH 24, 1!
PUNCH, 01! TIIK LONDON CII \|;|\ \ |;|.
221
infill as Clerk to tlie Ix>ndon County
Council, has been appointed hoi
:i<Uiser to the Council on antiquurinn
matters. The tramway system will,
now ci me; within his
CHARIVARIA.
IF proof were needed that Turkey
knows that she will have to quit Europe
very shortly, it is to be found in the we presume
if port that she is now olTering terri- purview,
torial concessions to Bulgaria.
The Alhambra Theatre recently of-
A telegram from Panama states that fcred a prize for the best name for its
tho crews of two barques sunk by the new Revue. This appeal to the great "KL| lm:° with one eye open.
l''.ilrl J'rii'ilncli in the Pacific public for help would seem to have1
svo;e landed c.n Easier Island and !>een justified. The witty title, " 5064
abandoned. This proreihm is quite Gen ard," has been adopted,
"correct." All tho best, pirah -
"Rocked in the Cradle of the D«ep.'
"A.I!. S.:lrn:iM (icorgB - , of II M s.
Xnlii. li.nl ,1 l,i,, i |,.r|..i;.|, la»t week end at
'" • ' )n|i bu been on
• Itity. mid i
' n^ii-t, 11 proof i,f ih. .
our N.i\\.' / aneattn <
with tlui traditions ol
o' e IOTM slept nil
In accordance
the Servic.-,
used to go in for marooning.
* *
Amon£ the now summer
fabric.; is a eoU )ii material
known as "Jol'lro"; and we
hear that a muslin which is
very easily seen through is to
have the sobriquet of " Berns-
torff." „, *
*
Says the Vonvtirts : — " Loud
are the complaints among the
Berlin population about the '
quantity of sand which they
are finding in tho municipal
potato supply. For these com-
plaints there seems to be but
too much ground." "Toomuch
ground " is distinctly good.
" Fleet Street," said The
Daily Neics recently, " was all
agog yesterday with the news
that a Sunday newspaper was
to be published next Sunday."
One can even better imagine
the excitement there would
have been if its publication had
been announced for a Monday !
:i: •'.'•
Owing to the scarcity of
male labour many women, it
is said, are learning to become
drivers of motor-vans. Some
of them are taking it up so
thoroughly that they are re-
ported to be also receiving
Ifa\ing sprinkled our entrenched
soldiers in the \Y,st \\iil, limning
petrol, the Gorman-, are now,
according to a Petrograd report,
squirting boiling pitch over our
Russian allies. Another in-
stance of the Kusnt's well-
known piety :— " Let us spray."
THE TEUTON TOUCH.
Importunate Pedlar (icho has had door slammed in his face).
' GAWD PUNISH 26! "
us in the art of repartee and other
forms of road-language useful in case
of collisions.
The fish market is said to be suffer-
ing from the prevalence of submarines;
and patriotic lish are invited to migrate
to our rivers, where, they may be caught
in comfort. ... ...
•i:
In a shop window, the other day, we
came across a card on which were
exhibited a number of " Patriotic But-
tons." All must surely be well with
tho nat:on when even its buttons are
so loyal.
*
Sir LAURKNCE GOMMK, on his retire-
Mr. CHABLES GULLIVER is present-
ing
at the Palladium a new Revue
entitled "Passing Events." That he
has not called it "Gulliver's Travails"
does credit to his modesty.
It is announced that
the 29th inst. the B
on
y*
and after
Tower at
the Tower of London will be open to the
public. [* Excision by Censor Morum.j
Agoraphobia.
"Wide streets, says a fashion writer, do
not look as extraordinary as we have been led
to expect." — Evening Ketrs.
Still, we do not care for them in the
dark shades which are in vogue at the
present time.
Letterfrom a gunner, printed
in The Evening Newt: —
" We get plenty of food, including
fresh meat, coal, oil, tea, augur, milk.
cheese, bread, butter, jam (bacon
every other day), and ram."
On tho strength of the above
statement the KAISBR will
doubtless redouble his efforts
to break through the British
lines, knowing that our gunners
are, on their own confession,
now fed up with " firing."
Tlie Cleveland Plain Dealer
(Ohio) tells us of the invention
of a bullet whose head has a
cavity for holding phosphorus.
It is designed for dealing with
Zeppelins. But its utility
would seem to go further
than that. " When the rifle
is fired," says 2'lte Cleveland
I'lain Dealer (Ohio), " the
bosphorus is ignited by the
discharge." We commend it
for use in the Constantinople
campaign'.
"The 'Russk Invalid' gratefully
acknowledges thisfervioe, and speaks
in flattening terms of the ' English heroes.' "
Weftetn Miming Keic*.
We do not like tho word " flattening."
It suggests the Steam Roller, a term
of endearment to which our Allies have
objected.
" Hints for those who wish to secure really
fresh eggs from their own hens."
Sntkalnon Plurnir.
According to the other Phecnix, tho
proper way is to roast the hens.
"Bachelor, age 40, small property, desires
congenial employment; kill time. Salary
secondary consideration."
Western Morning Neirt.
Reply received (on a postcard) — "\Vhy
not kill Germans instead ? "
VOL. CXLVIH.
222
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 24, 1915.
TO ENGLISH GENTLEMEN AT HOME.
UNDER the heavy shadow of War's eclipse
Xnno asks of you to wear a shroud of gloom,
To let the laughier fade upon your lips,
Or simulate an air of tragic doom.
Out in the trenches yonder, where they die
For love of country and our common birth,
There least of all they cast a jealous eye
Upon the healing medicine of mirth.
Light hearts— they know it well— we too must wear
If wo would keep our courage high and fain ;
Must find in nature's cure now strength to bear
With smiling face the burden and the pain.
But there's a limit fixed by decent pride.
The nations -natch us close; they seek a te?t
To prove us, whether, when our hearts are tried,
We take this War in earnest or in jest.
And, if on carnival and noisy rout
You waste your spirit in the nations' sighb,
Among our friends shall bo mistrust and doubt,
And weary foes Le heartened for the fight.
And something to yourselves you surely owe.
Imagination may not be your forte —
To see as others see you — yet I know
You love your heritage of English sport.
And under English eyes, slow to forget,
That ancient trust is yours to keep or break ;
And in your hands, by old tradition set,
The name of English sportsmen lies at stake.
O. S.
RAISING THE WIND.
THERE is little doubt that our Recruiting Band has done
yeoman service at our Thursday evening Becruiting Cam-
paigns, and it would do even better if it only possessed a
bass tuba. We have lots of bandsmen who play top and
middla music, but only one (a euphonium) who plays
ground-floor music. This is scarcely surprising when you
come to think that low notes are much more expensive to
produce than high ones. You can buy a very good cornet
for two pounds, but in order to produce exactly the same
notes as the cornet a few feet lower you have to invest in a
bass tuba that may cost you six times as much.
All this was admirably explained by Mr. Fogge (the
bandmaster), who one evening, when the Overture to
William Tell had been rendered without any bass at all
(owing to the indisposition of the euphonium), mounted the
plinth of the drinking-fountain round which our campaign
rages, and asked " our public-spirited fellow-townsmen "
for more practical support for the band. In a powerful
peroration he pointed out the increasing need for a bass
tuba, and pleaded with a possible philanthropist in the
crowd to earn his country's undying gratitude by supplying
the deficiency.
Unfortunately, in the report of the proceedings which
appeared in The Poppleton Argus, " tuba " was spelt
" tuber," with the result that the Vicar, who goes in for
market-gardening on an extended scale, sent to the band's
headquarters the largest potato he could find.
This was literally the only fruit of Mr. F'ogge's stirring
appeal, and finally it devolved on me (I am only the lion,
treasurer of the band, not an executant) to devise to:no
other means of obtaining the money. To accept the offer
of our senior curate to lecture on JOHN BUNYAN would, I
felt sure, merely defeat my object. Happily I saw in The
Times what I considered to be a highly novel and ingenious
method of making an appeal fcr charity. I therefore
despatched to the office of The Argus the following para-
graph : " Will every ' Huggins ' in Poppleton join together
to provide an urgently required instrun en t for our Eecruit-
ing Band ? Wrko, etc., etc."
This, I thought, would be sure to attract the necessary
money, as Huggins is the name in Poppleton, just as Kees
or Jenkins is in Swansea. Judge, then, of my annoyance
when, on opening the paper, I found that the wretched
printer had made my advertisement read, " Will every
Juggins, etc., etc." I need scarcely say that the result was
nil; though one dear old lady (who apologised for her
name being Brigginshaw and not Juggins), having misin-
terpreted my appeal, forwarded mo a Surgical Aid letter.
My failure was all the more galling since there was a
similar notice in the paper asking all the "Jemimas" of
the neighbourhood to subscribe towards the purchase of
cigars for all our Tommies who didn't like cigarettes. The
notion was obviously not so novel as I ha 1 imagined it.
Anyhow, I subsequently learned that the "Jemima" money
subscribed would have been sufficient to buy a bass tuba,
a tenor trombone and the best part of a French horn. 1
wanted to try again by addressing my appeal to all the
" Williams " and "Johns," but Mr. Fogge said, No; all the
Williams and Johns hrd already been bled for Christinas
crackers for the Canadians. He said we didn't want a bass
tuba as badly as all that.
Then one day a bright idea struck rno. I devised another
appeal, and took it down by hand myself to the office of
The Argus. To ensure its being correctly printed I offered
them double rates to be allowed to see a proof of it.
They told me such a course was not usual. 1 told them
that their mistakes were also somewhat out of the ordinary,
and I eventually got my way. The appeal was worded: —
" Will all our townsfolk who are relatives (however
distant) of, or connected by marriage (however remotely)
with, persons of rank or title, contribute to a fund now-
being raised to provide our Eecruiting Band with a much-
needed bass tuba ? A list of all subscribers, together with
the names of their relatives or connections, will be duly
published in these columns. Write, etc., etc."
The success of my appeal was instantaneous. We could
have bought a largo proportion of the London Symphony
Orchestra with the proceeds. Not only did we purchase
the biggest, bassest, most sonorous tuba that money could
command, but we had suflicient funds in hand to engage
the services of a tubaist to play it — a desideratum tlmt had
previously been overlooked. We are now doing great
business with our band, and I do not hesitate to say that
if Lord KITCHENER succeeds in getting all the recruits he
wants it will be largely due to the generosity of 89 of his
second cousins thrice removed, 57 connexions-by-marriage
of Sir JOHN FRENCH, and 142 step-nephews-in-law of His
local Grace the Duke of Podmore and Lumpton.
The Punishment Fits the Crime.
"Cross-examined, he said he had been caned before for reading
thrashy literature." .
"The Earl of Crewe wrote: — ' Is this ' (racing)' or is it not con-
ducive to the prosecution of the war to a successful end ? If it is, it
is desirable ; if it is not, it is undesirable. If it is neither, from the
public standpoint it is immaterial.' " — Daily Telegraph.
Either Lord CREWE wrote this or he did not. If ho did,
he should read our book on the Included Middle ; if he did
not write it, he should demand an apology. If he neither
did nor didn't — well, it is immaterial.
PUNCH. OB THE LONDON CHARIVARI. MXUCH 24. 191/i.
•mz
VICARIOUS GENEROSITY.
KAISER. "SHOULD YOU WANT SOME MORE FEATHERS, I KNOW A TWO-HEADED EAGLE/
MARCH 24, 1915.]
PUNCH, 01: THK LONDON CIIAIMVAIII.
230
n
Child (to gardener in Kensington Gardens, mending the cotton cross-threadi over the crocus blooms).
ABE THOSE THREADS TO KEKP THE ZEPPELINS OFF?"
1 WOULD YOU PLEASE TELL MI
A MORAL SCOOP.
["The day when news was the thing
ms to be passing; papers now vie one
with the other with free insurance and ad-
vertisement schemes ; thousand-pound prizes
for photography and vegetables . . . almost
everything except the news."
The Newspaper World.}
BY its existing insurance scheme, its
w;ii-- poetry contest, and its generously
endowed laundry competition, The
Daily Boom already shows its solicitude
for life and limb and its interest in
the aesthetic and industrial pursuits of
the people. By way of a change
it launches to-day a mammoth prize
offer of immense moral significance.
The Daily Boom has long felt that
it might perhaps take some part in the
encouragement of moral effort among
all classes, irrespective of creed, party,
position, taste or any other distinc-
tion. The management has therefore
promulgated this new and amazing
competition.
Every person anxious to add to his
finances hy improving hig character
should enter to-day, his first step
being to hand a written order to his
usual newsagent for the regular delivery
of The Daily Boom at his house.
A sum of £50,000 (Fifty Thousand
Pounds) has been set aside by The
Daily Boom, from which substantial
money prizes will be distributed among
certified regular readers for : — •
(1) The finest personal moral deed of
the week.
(2) The noblest personal moral
achievement of the (calendar)
month.
(3) The most glorious personal moral
triumph of the half-year end-
ing on Michaelmas Day.
This is tho most colossal inducement
to tho formation of noble character that
the world has ever known.
In this competition the Editor's de-
cision .is final, whatever it may be in
regard to political programmes and
other matters.
Whether it be the servant-girl who
tells of her fres and uninvited confes-
sion to breaking the best teapot, or tho
clergyman who, under tho stimulus of
our offer, preaches his own sermon after
all, and tells us the story of just what
happens, all should compete.
Keep that five and four noughts in
mind, and go out and do something
noble so that you may become a com-
petitor to-day. As you go do not forget
to leave a written order with your
newsagent ; otherwise your efforts will
be wasted.
Rewards will also be given to the
street newsvendors who supply Un-
lucky prize-winners. Each will iv-
ceive one clean collar and a packet of
voice jujubes per week for life.
Enter now (not forgetting that writ-
ten order) and do your country good.
What the Censor saw.
Extract from sailor's letter to his
wife (fact) : —
" DEAR JANE, — I am sending you a postal
order for 10s., which I hope yon may got — but
you may not- — as this loiter has to pan the
Censor."
"A look-out must always be kept by the
men in tho trenches. Kvcn while the photo-
grapher was busy one kept observation."
Daily Skttck.
After all, War is War — even in faca
of the Kodak's undeniable claims.
226
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 24, 1915.
THE WATCH DOGS.
XIII.
D.:AR CHARLES, — Agrtez, M'sieur,
»u's what-d'-you-call-'ems, and have the
has le KAISER ! "
tin cochon," from
It is always, "A
from mo ; " C'cst
thorn, and tho rejoinder from myself,
" (Ja me gc ;e un pen d'achctcr des
cdtellctes do cochou." And so that no
goodness to believe that your old watch butcher in France may miss this jY« do
do*,' has broken loose from his kennel, mot, my unhappy mess must continue
swum thu Knglish Channel, and is now eating pork chops till we have settled
pushing along in cattle trucks or on his down.
llat feet towards the dog-fight proper. I started composing this letter in a
Up to now we have heard no more of first-class carriage. I continued it in a
it than the barking of very distant ' lonely tent, writing upon a biscuit box,
guns, but by the time you read this again in a cattle truck, again in an
we hope to be getting our own first expansive chateau, deserted by its
bite. I may say now that I think wo owner but furnished splendidly with
should have had some difficulty in every modern convenience.
k ( p ng our pack in order bad it
not been for this move to the area
of more serious activities.
Our first performance upon land-
ing in France was to whistle " The
Ma: seillaise," an act of friendship
and courtesy long premeditated in
the ranks. This created a deep
impression, but mostly among our-
selves. In fact all of us were a
little disappointed at the lack of
enthusiasm upon our arrival; \ve
had expected the inhabitants to
turn out en masse (or bloc) and
shout themselves hoarse at the
sight of us. Two facts had, how-
ever, escaped our anticipation ; the
first, that the hour would be 7 A.M.,
an early time for wild enthusiasm ;
the second, that we should not be
the first to arrive by some hundreds
of thousands.
Our military ardour was not the
only thing about us to be damped
on that morning. There was a
light drizzle, also sent from heaven
to make us realise from the start
that this outing is not a picnic ;
and when eventually we reached
our temporary canvas home and
nestled down as best we might
amongst the mud, there were not a
I conclude
moves about a little in the meanwhile,
when there is no one awake to be
interested in his maladies. The younger
son is as bright a lad as you could
wish to meet. He smokes a pipe (with
some inner reluctance, I think), swears
in English, and has innumerable boon
companions among the early-rising
labourers of the place. I woke up this
morning to find a couple of them sitting
on tho end of my valise and me, drink-
ing their first cup of cafe. By the
time I was thoroughly roused the whole
family were at
various corners
their several posts in
of the room. It was
STUDY OP A PATRIOTIC GENTLEMAN IN HIS HOME
TURKISH BATH— OP COURSE BOUGHT BEFORE THE WAR.
few of us who felt that there was, after
all, something to be said for the dull but
comfortable round of home life. From
what I have seen already, I doubt if
the domestic side of war has ever
before been so well catered for, but even
so it is distinguishable from a pure
beano. It has, however, its lighter
side, as for instance when I go shopping
in the villages for the officers' mass.
One has to have road with deep con-
centration to bs able to remember at
the pinch how to demand a dish-cloth
in an intelligible fashion. We feed
almost entirely off pork chops at the
moment, owing to my personal ten-
dency to crack my little jest with the
village butchers. For when I have
done with business my butchers and I
turn to discuss the friendship of th -
Allies and the detestability of tho foo.
in the sole tap-room of a not unthirsty
village. The room is fifteen feet square;
it is at once the local bar, the battalion
headquarters, the mess and the bed-
room of half-a-dozen officers, including
myself. And when you consider further
that le patron and his family of five
also inhabit it you may imagine that
at times it is almost congested. But
for the competence of Madame his
wife I think we should not long sur-
vive. M'sieur stands always ;n the
middle of th j room contemplating the
complex situation with an expression of
inscrutable gloom. By the stove, upon
which the meals of all of us are cooked,
sits permanently the pallid eldest son,'
who is said to be an invalid but is
really a wastrel. He is there when I
go to sleep ; he is there when I wake
up. But I have my suspicions that ho
essential for me to rise and shave my-
" self; it was also essential for la
patronne to cook upon the stove.
But "toujours la politesse," and the
worst may be passed off with a jest,
so as I lay upon the floor and
Madame hustled about I conversed
affably with her, starting with her
business, proceeding to the general
excellence of her cooking, suggest-
ing dishes most worth eating,
specifying pork chops in particu-
lar, and ending triumphantly with
the coclion jest. After that an
atmosphere was created in which
anything might be done without
offence.
Meanwhile, always in the dis-
tance (now the nearer distance) is
the booming of the guns. I sup-
pose the trenches are about a dozen
miles away and that we may he in
them at any time now. Well, we
are all ready for it and are asking
no questions. For my part, how-
ever, I cannot help wondering in-
wardly how it is that men can
keep on killing each other in this
methodical and deliberate fashion.
Nobody is in a hurry ; nobody is in
the least excited, and I am quite sure
that if there was a picture pilaco
in the place we should all crowd
it for the sake of distraction.
Chateaux or tap-rooms, battles or
marketing, one takes it, apparently, as
it comes, trusting that Mr. ASQUITH or
someone has his eye on the progress of
events. However, by the next timo
I write I hope I '11 have something
more moving to write about ; but I
doubt it, Charles, I doubt it. We
shall have got there all right, but I
am beginning to suspect that even
when we do we shall iind nothing but
a turnip field and a deep ditch in which
we shall stay till we are told to come
out. There '11 be a noise, of course ;
but what good will that be? Nobody
will be able to look over tho top and
see what the noise is all about. Nono
the less I .will tell you the facts as
soon as I get news of them.
into
Yours ever,
HENRY.
MARCH 24, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR TIIK LONDON CIIAIM V AIM.
227
Veteran (receiving instruction in ths art of aiminj). " I WAS ALWAYS TOLD AS A BOT, TOO KNOW, NEVER TO POINT A oow AT AirvojtB."
THE AWAKENING.
UNTIL last Tuesday I am certain
Aunt Priscilla did not realise the War.
licaliso it as an actual awful thing, I
moan.
But war and all that it means has at
last been brought right home to her,
and this is how it came about.
The pale cheeks of Jenson the par-
I lour-maid began it ; the recommen-
dation of Winoria, the restorative
wine, as a remedy directly contributed
towards it, and the conscientious zeal
of Snooks the grocer completed the
groat awakening. It was in this wise.
Jenson, as I say, was pale and out of
sorts, a condition unlikely to escape
my Aunt's all-seeing eye, and someone
had suggested Winoria. Why not?
Aunt Priscilla decided at once for
this invigorating wine-tonic. The very
thing.
Abroad early, Aunt herself swept into
the establishment of Mr. Snooks and
ordered a bottle of Winoria, with a re-
quest that it should be sent to Everest
Place without delay.
"I regret, Madam, that we have no
cart or cycle available at the rhoment ;
this afternoon ..."
" Impossible. I must have it be-
fore lunch. Give it to me and I will
myself convey it home."
The suave manner of the shopman
instantly changed to a wary caution.
With an uneasy glance at the clock he
said lirmly : " I regret, Madam, that
we cannot serve women with intoxi-
cants before eleven ! "
Aunt Priscilla 1 But of course you
don't know my Aunt Priscilla.
A TEMPOBAEY SUSPENSION.
TIME was (twelve months ago, in
fact)
I sang my tuneful numbers
. On catching Nature in the act
Of waking from her slumbers ;
In March I found the hour was ripe
To twang the lyre or blow the pipe.
The crocus got its meed of song,
The snowdrop had its sonnet,
The daffy did not bloom for long
Ere I remarked upon it ;
And business was extremely brisk
In lines on how the lambkins frisk.
But now, though Spring is in the air,
I cannot heed the lambkin ;
For bloom and bud I do not care
A little dash (or damkin) ;
My musings always turn away
To men who 're arming for the fray.
But Spring, I feel, will not complain,
Though silent be her servant,
For bud and bloom shall come again
And find him fit and fervent ;
Full many a song in coming years
Shall sweetly wipe out all arrears.
Extract from a Soldier's letter : —
" DEAR SISTER, — I send you those few lines
hoping they find you as this lea'
present
?nf> at
I havoa bullet wound in the hand."
Warning to Mariners.
" A litre de premiere rep-msc a I1 Allemagne,
1'amiraute anglaiso a pris unc mesure de
restriction conccrnant la navigttion aux deux
entrees do la mer d'lrlande. Lea navires
desirant travcrser le canal du Nord dovront
passer au Sud-Ouest et a quatre inillc au plus
de 1'Ile de Rathlin, entre Sunrise et Sunset."
XXe. Stfcle, Havre.
Unfortunately these famous headlands
are rarely visible in our foggy atmo-
sphere.
For a "Chateau en Eapagne."
.Extract from a land company's cir-
cular : —
"The 'Sunnysido Estate' is beautifully
situated, high up in the air, fronting good
roads, along which water-mains run and is
bounded by a very pretty avenue of trees."
Just the place for a retired aviator.
From the tape : —
" Enver Pasha has sent in the name of the
Sultan the Grand Military Meal for Merit to
Admiral von Tirpitz and Gen. Falkcnhayn."
This was tactful of ENVER. The gift
will in present circumstances be much
more appreciated than a tawdry decor-
ation.
From an article on " Jobbing Gar-
deners " : —
" One has to know their man before we can
trust him to work in our gardens."
Amateur Gardening.
Quite so : and they will hare to learn
our grammar before one can be let
loose among his flowers of speech.
228
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [MARCH 24. 1915.
SENTRY-GO.
TUB whole idea of posting sentries
was ridiculous. Just because wo had
iwed part of a man's country house
mid called it a week-end camp there
was no real reason for turning three
men out in the cold night and calling
thorn sentries.
The first 1 hoard of the business was
a casual remark from our section-com-
i-aiider that I "was on two to four."
I took this to be some silly attempt at
a racing joke, so I said, " What price
the field ? " just to show that J know
the language; and I thought no more
about it until I ran across Bailey. The
same cryptic remark had been conveyed
into Bailey's car, but he had discovered
the solution, though I don't believe he
guessed it all by himself. The fact was
that wo had been picked with Ilolroyd
to do sentry-go between 2 A.M. and 4 A.M.
Personally 1 felt that tho responsibility
was too great, so I went in search of
the section-commander. I told him
what my doctor had said about the
risk of exposing myself to the night air
and pointed out the absurdity of posting
sentries against a non-existent enemy,
lie wouldn't discuss tho matter at
length, and I suspect that ho had heard
some of the arguments before, though
not so ably put.
Of course I didn't get any sleep
before 2 A.M. This was partly due to
the want of " give " in the iloor, partly
to the undue preference shown by
Bailey's foot for my left ear, and partly
to the necessity of stopping the tsn-
dency of certain members of the com-
pany to snore. Some injustice was
done in the last process, as it was
difficult to locate the offenders.
As I thought it might be wet I
borrowed Higgs's overcoat and rifle.
I hate getting my own overcoat soaked
through, and I never was any good at
cleaning rusty rifles.
It was a thoroughly dirty night, and
I took up my position under a tree,
leaving the others the easier task of
guarding open ground. Owing to the
discomfort of sitting in a puddle I never
got properly asleep, and this accounts
for the fact that my attention was
attracted by a slight noise in my
vicinity. I diagnosed a cat, dog or
snake, all of which animals can be found
in that neighbourhood. As 1 dislike
things crawling about me at night-time
1 picked up a serviceable-looking brick
and hurled it in the direction indicated
Naturally I didn't expect to draw a
prize first shot, and was surprised ant
much gratified to hear a groan and the
sound as of a body falling. 1 had evi-
dently brought dosvn a German spy
and eagerly rushed forward to retrieve
my game. It was a man right enough,
\nd 1 found him quite easily. I found
him with my feet and lost my initial
advantage. However, my luck was in,
and in tho ensuing rough and tumble I
came, out on top. When Bailey and
llolroyd arrived in response to my
shouts I was well astride his shoulders
and had his face concealed in the mud.
They both seemed a little jealous at
ny success and, when they heard tho
lei ails, began to suggest that 1 had
acted irregularly. Bailey, who is a
special constable in his spare time, said
[ ought to have warned the man that
'anything he said would be used in
ividance against him." Holroyd said
Jiat 1 ought to have waited until he
shot mo before taking action, and then
gone through some formula about
'Halt, friend, and give the countersign."
As they seemed to think they could
still put the matter in order I appointed
,hem my agents and gave them an
opportunity to say their pieces.
Bailey retired two paces and sol-
emnly delivered his warning. He got
it off quite well, and I admit that it
sounded impressive. Holroyd wasn't
quite sure of his part, and Bailey tried
to look it up in his "Manual" while
Holroyd struck matches. ' Holroyd
burnt his fingers three times while
Bailey was trying to find the place, so
he had to say it from memory after all.
Holroyd presented arms and said, "Halt.
Who goes there ? Advance, friend, two
paces, and give the countersign. Wel-
come." We thought he had gone wrong
on the word " Welcome," but it sounded
a courteous and harmless thing to say
under the circumstances, so we let it
pass.
The man, whose face was still firmly
embedded in the mud, didn't do any of
the things Holroyd told him. I put a
little extra pressure on tho back of his
head to make sure ho didn't say
" Friend," and he had no real chance
with the countersign as we hadn't
fixed on one.
Everything being now in order we
sent Holroyd to fetch the picket. Hol-
royd had some trouble over the picket,
as they had forgotten to elect one and
no one volunteered. Ho got very un-
popular through having to wake up so
many people to arrange about it.
In the meantime I caught cramp from
sitting so long in the same position and
allowed Bailey to relieve mo. When
the picket arrived they didn't get much
fun out of the captive, because Bailey
had spoilt him for tho purposes ol
resistance by getting more of his weigh)
than was necessary on tho man's head
The picket had to carry him up to tho
house and pour quite a lot of brandy
into him before he showed any signs o'
ife. They got him breathing at last
ind told off a fatigue party to clear
some of his mud. They hadn't pro-
jcrly got down to his skin when his
jower of speech revived. There seemed
something familiar in his voice in spite
of the fact that it was mulllcd by about
a quarter-of-an-inch of mud, and it
occurred to me that I had better resume
my sentry duty without delay. I didn't
all anyone's attention to my departure
jecauso I wasn't sure that I ought to
lave left my post. I look Bailey's
nilitary book and someone else's elec-
,ric torch.
My remaining hour passed quite
quickly and I was almost sorry to be
elieved. When I got in I heard that
our Commandant was up and wanted
,o see me. I found him in a dressing-
^own sitting in an armchair. He
.vasn't looking very tit and had a nasty
gash over the right eye. As he 's in
;he regular army and only lent to us I
waited for him to start the conversation.
He seemed to find some difficulty in
getting off the mark, hut on the whole
performed very creditably for an invalid.
I didn't attempt to answer half tho
questions he asked. He didn't seem to
expect it — they don't in tho army. I
ust said, " I was on sentry-go, Sir, at
2.35 A.M. when I heard a suspicious
person. Being on active service at
night I dispensed with the challenge
and should have fired if any cartridges
had been served out. Under the cir-
cumstances I did the best I could with
the material to hand. I was fortunate
in capturing the intruder and handed
him over to tho picket. I 've not yet
heard whether he has been identified. "
He wasn't quite himself, and I fancy
my answer surprised him. He seemed
to have a piece of mud in his throat,
and before he could get it clear I had
saluted and got away. Bailey's military
book is quite a useful little thing.
I was astir early in the morning and
took a walk in the direction of tho post-
office. Before eleven o'clock I had
received a telegram calling me to town
on urgent family affairs. I had got an
idea that that part of the country
would have proved unhealthy for me.
My personal view of the whole matter
is that our Commandant might have
known that we should be awake at our
posts without getting up in the middle
of the night to find out.
We learn from America that General
von BEBNHARDI has joined tho staff of
the Press Bureau and by Imperial
permission has given his exclusive
services to a well-known New York
paper. The KAISER is now assured of
a place in the Sun.
MAHCH 24, 191.0.]
PUNCIf. 01! T1IK LONDON ( 'IIAIMN AIM.
229
A TEUTON TRAGEDY.
[ It is reported that a small (irrinan outpost,
occupying all isolated house amidst the. floods
nf I''l.tndiTs. is always warned of night attacks
liy the quacking of ducks. Tlio following
lines are alleged to have been written, for
British consumption, by a (!erman pri .
DKU gwack-gwacli olT derdockfbwlbird
Vo haf von blarkdark niichiaclit lionnl ;
Demi kam a kry der Kantan vrorn,
" Dor voemen kom, der voemen kom ! "
Und so vo haf dcr anus uptake,
I! nd soon dcr Hritisch backgive make.
0 Gott init uns! der gwack-gwack-
gwack
Ilaf send dcr voemen hoineways back.
In vlood dis bousefarmialaod stand;
No voodvlosli kom vrom dryground
land,
I hul vo vos fast bo bone und skin,
Vile duckfowl Kchwamm der yard-
court in,
Vor if vo nrckscrew efry von,
Donn kom der vce at down off sonne,
Und, init no gwftok&lftrm, ve fall!
Ach ! still ve long to chew dem all 1
Last supmeal oat ve duckfowlmeat !
Vo schleep und tream off dat pig treat !
Ya, clat vos gut, kolossal gut 1
Vot meatfull chest, vot schweet wing-
foot I
Ve schleep und tream ! Der duckbird
fat
Vos dasty meat — Ach ! vot vos dat ?
Dcr viHi! Nomohrderduckfowlsgwack,
But British rifles go krack-krack !
MILITARY QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS.
[Tho Advice Column on Military Matters.
now a special feature of many contemporaries,
must not be supposed to belong only to the
lire .ut day. That similar columns were in
vogue in other times is proved by the following
extracts from antique records.]
J. Cicnar (Home). — By all means write
an account of your experiences at the
Front, but take care to find a striking
title. The one you suggest, " The Gallic
War," is very Hat. Why not : " In the
Neck, or How we gave it to the Gauls? "
Atlila (Hungary). — Quite so, but are
not your methods a little boisterous?
What will the Germans think of you?
R. Bruce (Scotland).— The study of
insect lifo is, of course, perfectly harm-
less and indeed admirable as a re-
creation, but it must bo regarded
strictly as such, and not be allowed to
interfere with your serious profession
of arms.
Joan (Arc). — Certainly not. If, how-
over, you foci that you must be doing
something military, is there no local
body of girl guides which you could
join ?
Francis D. (Plymouth Hoe). — It is
all very well for you to play games in
Outraged Artist (about to paint important military subject).
THE KHAKI I "
•You Fiat YOU'VE EATEN
war-time — quite picturesque and so
forth, but does it not occur to you that
in future days, when perhaps conditions
will be more stringent, your example
may be quoted by persons not wholly
inspired by disinterested motives, who
have reasons (financial and otherwise)
undreamed of by you for continuing
sports ?
Horatio N. — Sea an oculist. We
must tell you frankly, however, that
the loss of the eye finally closes your
naval career. You should think of
taking up some civilian employment.
Wellesley (Eton). — We should be in
a better position for offering you advico
as to your chance of success in a mili-
tary career if we knew more of your
achievements on your school playing-
fields.
Napoleon B. (Corsica). — Your height
would tell against your chances, and
we should think that for other reasons
as well you are hardly cut out for
a soldier. Have you thought of the
counter? If there is not much opening
in your neighbourhood, you might
think about coming to England, where,
as you doubtless know, there are
plenty of shopkeepers.
" Girl wanted to take care of quiet baby,
who is fond of singing ragtime — Chinatown,
etc." — Montrtal Star.
A precocious infant, but surely a little
old-fashioned.
230
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON dllARIVARI
[MAEcn 24, 1915.
MORE PEOPLE WE SHOULD LIKE TO SEE INTERNED.
••WELL WE'LL BRING THE CAB TO-MOEROW, AND TAKE SOME OP YOUII PATIENTS FOR A DRIVE. AND, BY-THE-BY, NURSE, YOU
MIGHT LOOK OUT BOMB WITH BANDAGES THAT SHOW— THE LAST PABTY MIGHT NOT HAVE BEEN WOUNDED AT ALL, AS FAB AS ANYBODY
IN THE STREETS COULD SEE."
THE NORTH SEA GROUND.
OH, Grimsby is a pleasant town as any man may find,
An' Grimsby wives are thrifty wives, an1 Grimsby girls are
kind,
An' Grimsby lads were never yet the lads to lag behind
When there 'a men's work doin' on the North Sea ground.
An" it's "Wake up, Johnnie! " for the high tide's flowin',
An' off the misty waters a cold wind blowin' ;
Skipper 's come aboard, an' it 'a time that we were goin',
An' there 'a fine fish waitin' on the North Sea ground.
Soles in the Silver Pit — an' there we '11 let 'em lie ;
Cod on the Dogger — oh, we '11 fetch 'em by-an'-by ;
War on the water — an' it 's time to serve an' die,
For there 's wild work doin' on the North Sea ground.
An' it 's " Wake up, Johnnie ! " they want you at the trawlin'
(With your long sea-boots and your tarry old tarpaulin') ;
All across the bitter seas duty conies a-callin'
In the Winter's weather off the North Sea ground.
the sea has taught
not be
It 'a well we 've learned to laugh at fear
us how ;
It's well we've shaken hands with death — we'll
strangers now,
With deatli in every climbin' wave before the trawler's bow,
An' the black spawn swimmin' on the North Sea ground.
Good luck to all our fightin' ships that rule the English sea ;
Good luck to our brave merchantmen wherever they may be;
The sea it is their highway, an" we 've got to sweep it free
For the ships passin' over on the North Sea ground.
An' it 's " Wake up, Johnnie ! " for the sea wind 's crying ;
" Time an' time to go where the herrin' gulls are flyin' ; "
An' down below the stormy seas the dead men lyin',
Oh, the dead lying quiet on the North Sea ground I
CLUB CHANGES.
DEASTIC ECONOMIES.
AT the Plutomobile Club it has been decided to import
500 Peruvian waiters. At a general meeting of the Club
held last week a motion was passed by a small majority
permitting the smoking of pipes after 12 P.M. and sanction-
ing the introduction of &d. cigars. We understand that
the performances of the Blue Bessarabian Band in the
great porcelain swimming bath have been temporarily
suspended.
A remarkable innovation is to be introduced at the
Lantern Lectures which are so welcome a feature at the
Benedicks' Club. It has been resolved to accept the offer
of several distressed dowager peeresses to serve tea without
wages, the " tips " being left to the discretion of the members.
The tariff of the Caviare Club has recently undergone
substantial alterations. The price of the house-dinner is
now reduced to 15s. a head and champagne is no longer
de riguonr. On the other hand an attempt to sanction the
introduction of barley-water and cocoa nibs has been
heavily defeated.
Visitors to the National Democratic Club cannot fail to
notice the altered appearance of that famous caravanserai
The marble walls and staircases have all been whitewashed
to discourage ostentation and promote moral uplift.
PDNCH. OB THE I.HM.-is <:HABIVAKr.-M»«cll 81, 1915.
I FIERCE FICHTM
IN FLANDERS
to LOSSES
ENGLAND'S IDEAL IN WAR-TIME?
[The Jockey Club's decision to continue racing has been very veil received in bookmaker circles.]
MAI.,:,I at. 1915.] _PUNCir, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
HOW HISTORY ANTICIPATES ITSELF.
SISTER SOPHIE SEWING SHIRTS FOB NESSUS.
ONE OF OUR CANDID FRIENDS.
[In The Boston News Bureau, a daily paper,
Rear- Admiral FRANCIS TIFFANY BOWLES,
ily Chief Constructor of the American
Navy, who has recently travelled throughout
(i.-rinany, has stated his belief that Germany
will win. He adds: " The probable situation
is that all the Allies are now ready to quit,
and that means not only Prance and Russia
but England ; that Germany is ready to make
I" i. < \\ ith Russia and France, but never with
England. The possible consequences of such
a situation are easily discernible, and merit
the most serious consideration by the people
of the United States. The chance of a suc-
cessful invasion of England cannot be lightly
dismissed."]
ADMIRAL TIFFANY BOWLES,
You've written a wonderful screed
For the good, no doubt, of the
souls
Of the men of the British breed.
You 've studied the Fatherland
Exhaustively from within,
And your statement affirms in the
plainest of terms
That Germany will win.
You view the success of our foes —
Or so at least I learn —
So far as our own fate goes,
With singular unconcern ;
But the thought that it may react
In time on the U.S.A.
Appears to impart to your sensitive
heart
A certain amount of dismay.
You may glorify Germany's strength
As mucli as you goldarn please,
And hold she will win at length
The mastery of the seas ;
But when you go on to assert
That we're "ready to quit," by
goles,
You 're talking rot and the thing
that is not,
Admiral TIFFANY BOWLED.
Comforts for the Troops.
MADAME TUSSAUD'S EXHIBITION. — Beauti-
fully illuminated. Well warmed and Venti-
lated Heroes of the War.'
Adit, in
The Times."
"It is quite feasible that more than one
submarine has the same number. The result
of this would bo that an exaggerated idea of
the possibilities of the undcr-water craft would
bo gained, since, for instance, the I ' '21 may
be seen in the English Channel one day and
in the English Channel almost immediately
afterwards, or even at about the same time.''
l.ircrpool Echo.
Even without this duplicity the feat
does not appear insuperably difficult.
Has anyone seen our Provost P
" HELP FOE GALLANT LTTTLE SERBIA.
FLAG DAY, GLASGOW, SATURDAY, 27m MARCH.
Under tho patronage of the Rt. Hon. the
Lost Provost and Magistrates of Glasgow."
Glasgow Daily Record.
"Tho only object of Prince von Buelow's
remarks is to make the Italian Government
believe that there still remains a possibility
of diplomatic your-parlers being satisfactory."
Glasgow tietri.
Prince von Billow. Will you walk into
my parlour?
SignorSaJandra. Thank you, wo have
had quite enough of your-parlers.
From a Daily News' description of
a town in France " : —
"LUXURIES AS USUAL.
The fool supply is for all essential pur-
poses unaffected."
It is the same with the German supply
of Court jesters.
"At Findon on Wednesday morning the
Grand National Candidate, Irish Mail, can-
tered a mile twice, and will probably do »
good gallon on Thursday."
Gloucfsler Cititrn.
This sounds like " doping," but perhaps
Irish Mail is training for a " pint to
! pint."
234
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 24, 1915.
THE SUSIE GAME.
" OH, Mr. Meyer," said my hostess,
" you are so clever, you must think of
a new game for us."
If there is any form of request more
paralysing than this, 1 should like to
bear of it. So clever! To be called so
clever in a company containing several
strangers, and then to have to prove it !
Sin cly tact should be taught at schools,
although, of course, after logarithms.
By some bewildering miracle an idea
suddenly entered my head. " Why not
play at ' Sister Susie ' ? "
said.
" You don't mean more
sowing ? " my hostess re-
plied in dismay.
"No, no," I explained,
seeing daylight as I talked.
" First we want twenty-
six little bits of paper.
Will someone tear them
up? Then on these we
write the letters of the
alphabet. Then they are
put in a hat and shaken up,
and we take out one each
in turn. As there are
twelve of us we shall have
two each, and two of us
will have three each, to
make the twenty-six. Is
that all clear?"
They said it was as clear
as mud, and I went through
it again with the crystal
clarity of a teacher of one
of those advertised systems
which impart a perfect
knowledge of French in
three lessons.
Then," I said, "you
take a sheet of paper and
fill up a line for each of
your two (or it may be
three) letters, in the man-
ner of the famous Sister
Susie line, which I am told
is sung wherever the sun never sets :
' Sister Susie 'a sewing shirts for soldiers.'
That is to say," I added, " that sup-
posing you had A you might write—
' Auntie Ann is asking aid for ambulances,'
or if B :—
' Bertha 'a boiling beef for bombardi-ers.'
It must be alliterative ; it must be as
much in the metre of the Sister Susie
" I felt sure there would be some
defects in the game," I replied. " We
are only fooling our way, you see. We
had better leave them out."
"Oh no," said Aunt Eliza; "let's
try them."
Aunt Eliza spends quite half of her
life in guessing acrostics and anagrams,
and the difficulties of writing-games
are food and drink to her.
Then the inevitable happened.
" Oh, but 1 can't play this," said one
guest who had just begun to grasp its
character.
Visitor. "Is IT A BOY OB A GIEL?"
Patriotic Mother. "Os, A BOY, Miss. WE DON'T WANT
NOWADAYS, AMD DOCTOR SAYS EVERYBODY'S HAVING BOYS?'
' Mother Molly,' and ' Brother Bertie '
and ' Uncle Ulrich.' "
It was therefore decided to cut out
relationships and bsgin with the girls'
names right away.
And so wo started, five minutes being
allowed. I saw at once that 'A was
useless. Zos and Zuleika could be found
easily enough, but there was nothing
to set them to do. I therefore concen-
trated on my other letters, which were
U and J, and with infinite agonies
produced :—
" Jessie's jams and jellies go to JELLICOE,"
and
" Ursula's unpacking urns for
Uhlans."
Our hostess came out
strong with C: —
1 ' Connie 's cooking Coldstrcam
captains' curry,"
and G was very passable:—
"Gertie's growing gherkins
for the Ghurkas."
Y was ingenious but not
of the best : —
" Yclando's yoking yaks for
Ypres yeomanry."
I need hardly say that
Aunt Eliza played it best.
Aunts always do play this
kind of game best. Her
three letters were P, S and
X. The first two she ren-
dered thus : — •
" Pamela pots poisoned prunes
for Potsdam,"
and
" Sally's singing SAINT-SAKNS'
songs to Serbians."
"But what about X?"
we demanded.
" X isn't really possible,"
she said. " Xantippe is
the only name, and there
are no verbs for her.
ine as possible ; and
reference to the War.'
it must have
The company having intimated that
this also was as clear as mud, I re-
seated it.
But what about X ? " a pretty girl
asked.
" Yes, and Z ? " asked someone else
"And Y?" asked a third.
"I'm sure I can't," said another.
" I 'm hopelessly stupid."
' Xantippe X-pounds
to X-lieutenants '
is all I can do."
X-rays
You must leave us out," they
said.
Ten minutes having passed in fight-
ing to retain them, during which time
a third and fourth took courage and
fell out too, we settled down to the hat
with only eight players. That is to
say, we were each to have three letters,
and Aunt Eliza and I, being the most
gifted, were to share X and Z.
We were just beginning when the
pretty girl wanted to know how we
to manage about relationships.
.«• fin=m ' is aii right," she said,
Alice ' and ' Cousin
Connie,' but there aren't any more ;
unless we say 'Father Freddy' and
were
"Sister Susie
' and ' Auntie
Perhaps other players will get better
results.
Feasting the Eyes.
" The view of the Euxine from the heights
of Terapia, just seen through the end of the
Straits, is like grazing upon eternity."
Devon and Exeter Gazette.
In the Elysian Fields, we presume.
"Dr. Macnamara, in reply, stated that
there had been no case of tetanus at Osborne
and no epidemic, but only isolated cases of
the form of conjunctivitis, alluded to Lord
Charles as 'pink eye,' during the last two
years." — Isle of Wight Evening News.
This regrettable personality, continued
over so long a period, should surely
by this time have reached the ears of
the SPEAKEB.
MABCH 24, 1915.]
PUNCH. Oil TIIK LONDON' CHARIVARI.
Labouring Man (sorrowfully). " WOT IF I DO OWE YEB A TANKEB— wor's A TAtrxsRt 'Eas's MB rn/.vjr/.vo w MILLIONS
MILLIONS O' PAHNDS TO 'BLP KEEP THE OLD COUNTBY SAFE — AND THERE'S YOU GBAHSlli' ABABT A MEASLY — PALTBY — BLOOMUt' UTTI.K
TANNEK! WHEBE'S YEK PATBIOTISM?"
COPPER.
DEAR Mn. PUNCH, — Having been
fortunate enough to put your readers
right on the question of Germany's
Wai- strength — -one notices that there
has heen a cassation of newspaper
bickering on the subject since my letter
:i.])])fared — I propose to-day to deal
with tho burning question of the supply
of Copper. We shall take horses next, !
of course, and after that rubber and'
petrol, and (if there is still no important '
movement in the West and the space
must bo filled) we may also have to
liviil of cotton before we are done.
Copper is a subject that I have
completely at my finger ends. I need
not say that it is of vital importance.
\\hru (icnuany's copper is done the
\\ ;i r must end. And tirst let me point '
out, as no one else has done, a signal i
instance of German foresight, yet
another proof that every detail of this
advcntuio had been considered in
advance. I refer to the institution of
the Iron Cross. Let us suppose that
WILHELM iii a weak moment of vanity
had pn;f;'iyrd what would have been
much more effective — a Copper Cross.
Think \yhat a dilemma would have
faced him now. Either from lack of
ammunition or from want of decoration
the contest must have come to an
inglorious end.
What is Germany's expenditure of
ammunition? East and West she
holds a line of, let us say, 800 miles.
This line is occupied by some 4,000,000
first-line troops. (We are counting in
the Austrians here, for, though they may
not always wait to pop it off, after all
each one of them does carry a rifle.)
This works out, in Flanders, at about
5,000 men to the mile, in Poland at
about 3,333 men to the verst, and in
France at about 2,999 men to the
kilometre. I speak of course in general
terms. Shall we say three men to the
yard ? Making all the usual allowances
we may call it 2J men to the yard.
Keeping well within the mark let us
admit only 2 men to the yard. Jeal-
ously avoiding extravagance, put it
down ut li men. Beckoning conser-
vatively, call it one.
Well, now, what is the number of
shots per rifle per man (or per yard)
per day? Frankly wo shall have to
make a guess at that. It might be
simply anything. Naturally it all de-
pends. But (omitting a series of
rather abstruse calculations — in work-
ing yards into poods — which may be
seen by anyone who cares to call at
the office) we cannot be far wrong if
we bring it out at 290 tons a day, for
rifle fire, of copper alone. Adding
10 per cent, for maxim fire— though
there is no special reason why we
should select that particular figure —
we get about 320 tons. But we must
remember at this point that a good
deal depends on the pitch. Nothing
can be made out of mud, but on hard
frozen ground rifle bullets may bounce
and be recovered, provided that the
enemy does not interfere. We must
allow for that.
Now let us throw in shells. What
about 200,000 a day 7 Let us say
150,000. That comes obviously to
309 tons 2 cwt. and a trifle. Near
enough. Unburst shells of tho enemy
may also be gathered up sometimes, if
you wait a bit. We must allow for
that.
CONCLUSION.
We have now been led step by step
to tho solid fact — and there is no use
23G
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 24, 1915.
blinking it — that Germany will need
exactly 217.COO tons of copper per
annum for ammunition alone. Of her
sources of supply it may bo said with
absolute certitude
(1) That her present imports from
neutral countries are unknown.
(2) That her own production cannot
bo quite exactly estimated.
(3) That no one has tho least idea
what her stocks were before the war.
Much depends upon what she can
gather up in the way of copper wire
and odds and ends. And here it must
he borne in mind that any tampering
with the telegraph wires may interfere
with the Imperial correspondence,
without which war cannot be waged.
But there are other sources. And here
wo come to tho most striking instance
of lack of preparation — the one im-
portant detail where German foresight
failed. It is a point that no other
commentator seems to have touched
upon, although it is in truth the root
of the whole matter. Germany alone
of all the leading belligerents is without
a copper currency. She cannot turn
her pennies into shot and shell. We
shall not be far wrong in assuming
that this deficiency will be the final
turning-point. The General Staff may
if it will collect all manner of cooking
utensils ; the time may come, under
the pressure of British sea, power,
when they will not be of much use, any
way, with nothing to cook in them.
They may commandeer electric-light
fittings; they cannot thereby keep the
people any more in the dark than they
are already. But they will he baulked
and thwarted if they look to retrieve
their fortunes by an assault on the
National Reservoir of the pfennig-in-
the-slot-machine.
I am, Sir,
Yours, as before, STATISTICIAN.
BETES NOIRES.
A POSTSCRIPT.
" OP course," writes a correspondent,
everyone has his own betes noires, as
you said in last week's number, and
one man's black beast may be another
man's white angel. This matter can
be settled only by personal opinion,
and yet I have a feeling that there is
a set of persons whom all must equally
place on the noiriest list; I mean the
people who talk clever to their dogs
in public." Wo agree.
Extract from the latest War Office
Drill Book as given recently by a
N.C.O. : —
' Should a Mule break down in the shafts
it should bo replaced by an intelligent Non-
Commissioned Oflicer."
THE SABBATH CAMERA
THE NEW
SUNDAY PAPER
Read the epoch-making articles
in the next issue
Why should not the
War End next week ?
by
IHHATIO
BULLEMLY
The author of
The First and Second Battle Cries
The War
and Week-Endj
by
ARNOLD
PENNIT
The leading fictionist
and social observer
Will the War leave things
exactly as they were ?
by
PAX
EMBERTON
The revue king and philosopher
The Future of Everything
by
W. G. HELLS
The illustrious novelist and seer
The Kaiser as Emperor
by
ARNOLD
BLACK
The famous Sunday publicist
Berlin and Brighton
by
HARRY
AUSTINSON
The distinguished
Editor of the Revue du Mond.
THE
THE
TALE THAT TOOK
WRONG TURNING.
(A Magazine Study.)
Gerald Arbuthnot took his seat in
the train with a frown of impatience.
He had, of course, other things as well,
such as a return-ticket, the usual quan-
tity of luggage, and a copy of a journal
that modesty forbids us further to
specify — but the frown was the signifi-
cant item. How irritating it was, he
thought, to be obliged to make this
journey I Still more vexing were the
provisions of the preposterous will that
had rendered it necessary.
Gerald was a bachelor, tall, wealthy,
handsome and of the usual age. It is
hardly worth while for me to describe
him, since you have met so often before,
and will meet as often again, in the
pages of contemporaries. Still, there
he was — for the artist to do his worst
with. To his impatience tl e train
seemed a long while in start nj. At
last, however, all was ready, °doors
hanged, whistles blew, the platform
began slowly to recede past the win-
dows. . . .
Gerald, a little surprised, but un-
doubtedly relieved, settled himself com-
fortably in his corner. He was to enjoy
tho journey undisturbed. And then,
just when it seemed too late, the thing
happened which Gerald and you and
every reader with experience had been
looking out for. The door was flung
open and the figure of a young girl,
exquisitely, if indefinitely, clad, was
thrust into tho compartment.
It was tho heroine.
" Here we are again," said poor
Gerald wearily, but not aloud ; for if he
was one thing more than another it
was well-mannered. " Up or down ? "
he asked, after a sufficient interval to
allow the girl to settle herself into the
opposite seat.
" 1 beg your pardon ? " You know
the voice in which she would answer,
sweet yet cold — like ice-cream.
" I mean," explained Gerald, " that
as some sort of dialogue is obviously
expected of us we might as well begin
about tho window as about anything
else."
She melted ever so little at this.
"Possibly," she said; '-but why not
wait till the accident ? "
" 1 'm afraid I don't quite understand.
What accident ? "
The bewilderment in Gerald's face
was too apparent not to bo genuine.
At sight of it the last trace of chill in
the girl's manner vanished utterly; as
a short-story heroine she was naturally
trained for speed in these matters.
" Why," she said, with a little gasp
of incredulity, " surely you know that
I am here for you to rescue me in the
railway accident ? "
"It's — it's the first I've heard of
it," stammered Gerald.
" But you must," persisted the girl,
beginning now to be a little confused
in her turn. " See, round my neck
I have hero the locket which falls
open as you lay mo unconscious upon
the embankment." She unfastened it
eagerly as she spoke, displaying the
portrait of a young man like a cheap
wax-work. "My brother" she said.
"But of course you think I 'm engaged
to him, and you go away, and we don't
meet again till long paragraphs, per-
haps even pages, have rolled by."
There was a moment's rather em-
barrassed pause. Then she added shyly,
" It — it all comes right in the end,
though."
Gerald's colour matched her own.
In black-and-white illustration you
would have to take this for granted.
But no illustrator could have made him
look more foolish than was now the
case.
MARCH 24, 1915.J
PUNCH, (HI THE LONDON CIIAIM V.MM.
237
Voice from the f'.ir-entl of hut (to Seryeant, who is retiring after expressing himself strongly on the Question of " lights out").
ANT! You HAVEN'T KISSED ME GOOD-NIGHT!"
BBM
" Believe me," he said, " no one
could more sincerely regret the fact
than I do. But there has obviously
been some mistake."
" Mistake? I don't understand you."
" What I mean is," said Gerald, " all
this accident business. Of course, as a
private individual I should at any time
be delighted to rescue you from any-
thing in reason. But as a hero, acci-
dents are (if you will forgive me) not
in my line."
" Your line? " cried the astonished girl.
" Light comedy," he explained, " with
sparkling dialogue, and perhaps a touch
of ro lined farce. At the present moment
I am tr.ivelling into the country to
meet an unknown heiress whom my
late uncle's will constrains me to marry.
So naturally when I saw you come
in "
" I see," said the girl. " It was an
error," she added magnanimously,
"that any hero might excusably make."
She looked so attractive in her own
rather vague line-and-wash style as
she said it that Gerald was moved to
continue —
" I only wish it had boon true."
The girl suddenly laughed, perhaps
to cover her slight confusion.
"I was thinking," she explained,
" that, as two short stories are appar-
ently laid in the same train and have
got mixed, in some other compartment
there is probably a strong silent hero
who specializes in rescues trying to
make head or tail of your bright
comedy heiress."
" Suppose," suggested Gerald sud-
denly, " that we leave them at it."
" How do you mean ? "
"There's a station in five minutes.
Let us slip out there, and leave them
' to explain matters to each other after
| the smash. That ending would be at
least as satisfactory as the usual kind."
The train was already slowing down.
" Will you ? " he asked.
Still, though the paragraphs were
running out, the girl hesitated. Then
at last she turned to him with that
wonderful smile of hers that has been
the grave of so many artistic reputa-
tions.
" Yes," she said. She held out her
arms.
" My mistake ! " said Gerald apolo-
getically; " I had nearly forgotten that
little formality."
Ho kissed her.
A Debt of Honour.
The Hon. Secretary of the Commit-
tee for the Relief of Belgian Soldiers
writes to the Editor of Punch: —
"M. Emile Vandervelde, Minister of
State, would be very grateful if you
would again help him, as the need of
the Belgian Soldiers is very great, and
as the earlier appeal which you were
good enough to publish was very suc-
cessful." Mr. Punch begs his kind
readers to send further assistance
to King Albert's gallant Army, ad-
dressing their gifts to M. Emile Van-
dervelde, Victoria Hotel, Northumber-
land Avenue, W.C.
Fine Head-work.
" The advance of the Allied Fleet up the
Dardanelles is causing the bonds of the Balkan
States to stroke their chins thoughtfully."
Southern Daily Kcho.
" He is again near the scene of his defeat at
the said Przanysz." — The Observer.
! This is mere swank. Mr. GARVIN has
j only written it ; he never said it.
"The second of the Saturday afternosn
lectures at Trinity College will take place
I to-morrow afternoon at half [>:ist three in the
[ Convocation Hall, when Dr. Alexander Prater
will lecture on ' The Kiltie Church in Scot-
land and Its Missionary Work.' "
Toronto Daily Neict.
Is this the Church more widely known
[ as the " Wee Frees," many momlrers of
, which are doing excellent missionary
; work in Flanders in counteracting
; Kultur ?
238
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 24, 1915.
THE UNIFORM.
" So you 've got it on," s»id -Francosca, as she surprised
mo before tlio looking-glass in my dressing-room.
• Yes," I said, " 1 'vo got most of it on. There are a few
straps 1 'in not sure about, but we can fit them in later."
•• You'll never get those straps right," said Francesca;
" there are too many of them. No civilian could possibly
copo with them."
"But when I wear this uniform," I said, "I'm not a
civilian. I 'm a soldier, every inch of me."
" Hut you can't be said to wear the uniform properly
until you 've got it on, straps and all, so if you can't put on
the straps you'll be a civilian to the last day of your
miserable life."
"Tilings might go better," I said, "if you'd come and
help a chap instead of splitting straws at him. This Sam
Browne belt will bo the death of me."
"Don't give in," said 1'Yancesca, "and don't get so
suffused. An officer in a Volunteer Defence Corps should
be more determined and less purple in the face. Infirm of
purpose, give me the leather."
"Take it," I said, "and do the best you can. I'm fed up
with all these brass rings and studs and buckles."
" I wonder," said Francesca, as she took stray shots with
the strap-ends — " I wonder if Sam Browne, the inventor,
can ever have dreamed of the agony his belt would someday
cause to a thoroughly inoffensive family. There — the belt is
safely on, the straps are all tucked up tight into something
or other. You look fairly like the illustrated advertisements.
Now let 's study you at a distance."
" Not yet, Francesca. I haven't got my sword on yet.
I refuse to be inspected without my sword."
"One sword forward! . Quick! Isn't it a beauty?
Which side ought it to go ? "
" There is a prejudice in favour of the left side, and you '11
find a place specially provided for it there."
She jammed it in and stood off to contemplate the effect.
" Of course," I said, " a sword is a superfluity. They
don't really wear swords now-a-days at the Front."
"But you,'.' she said, "are really wearing this one, and
that 's all I care about. Why, the hilt alone is worth all
the money."
" Yes," I said, " the hilt is extraordinarily handsome."
"It's the most bloodthirsty and terrifying thing I've
ever seen. But tell me, now that you 've got the whole
uniform on, what are you? "
"I am," I said proudly, "a Platoon Commander or a
Commander of something of that kind. They won't let
me call myself a Lieutenant for fear of my getting
mixed up with the regular army, but I'm a subaltern
all right."
" A grey-haired subaltern," she said, " one of the most
pathetic things in literature. . Don't you remember him in
the old military novels? A most deserving man, but so
poor that he could never rise in rank. The gilded popinjays
turned into Captains and Majors and Colonels, but he,
although he kept on winning battles and saving the army,
remained a subaltern to the end. I never thought to have
married a grey-haired subaltern."
"Well, you've done it," I said, "and you can't get out
of it now. Another time you '11 be more careful."
" Let 's go out," she said, " and take a walk through the
village and show you off."
"But I don't want to be shown off," I said. "This
uniform is meant for work, not for show."
" And do you mean seriously to tell me," she said, " that,
after bruising my lingers on your straps and rings and
buckles and Sam Browne belts, I 'm to get nothing out of it,
not even a little innocent open-air amusement? Come, you
can't mean that."
" Yes, 1 can. I 'm not ready for tte open-air yet. The
uniform 's not accustomed to it."
" But," she said, " you must begin some time or other."
" I know I must ; but 1 shall do the thing gradually, so as
to coax the uniform into the air. One day I shall stand
in the lower passage, where there's always a draught, and
the next I can open all the doors and windows in the
library and walk about there, and then by the end of a
week or sol might work out into the porch, and so, bit by bit,
into the garden. But it '11 be a slow business, I 'm afraid."
" Volunteer uniforms," said Francesca, " seem to take a
lot of hardening."
" They do," I said; "and besides there 's another objection
to going out."
" What 's that ? Your modesty ? "
" No," I said, " my pride. We might meet a regular soldier."
" We should be sure," she said, " to meet dozens of them,
and they 'd all salute you. I should love to see them
doing it."
" But suppose they didn't do it, where would you be
then. Francesca, and how would you feel about your grey-
haired soldier boy? These regulais might fail to realise
the importance of my grey-green volunteer uniform or even
to recognise its existence. Such things have happened."
" But Tommy Atkius is a hero, and no hero could bo so
creel as that."
"Oh yes, he could," I sa:d. "It wouldn't cost him
a thought. All he would have to do would l.o to look
straight at me and not to raise his hand to his cap. It's
the easiest thing in the world."
" Then you 're afraid ? " she said.
" No,". I said, " I 'm not. I feel as if I could face fifty
Germans, but just at present I'm not going to chance it
with Tommy Atkins."
" You 're the most disappointing Platoonist I ever knew,"
she said. "But perhaps you won't mind my calling the
children. There 's no reason why they shouldn't see their
father, the Field Marshal."
" Yes," I said, " you may call in the children." -
E. C. L.
THE PIG-IKON IN THEIR SOUL.
[Dr. PANNEWITZ, in an article in the Berliner Tageblatt, advocates
the slaughter of 20,000,000 pigs, in order to preserve the potato supply,
remarking that they are more dangerous than the English army, etc.,
put together.]
NOT for Old England now your deepest hate.
No ; on a side track you appear to shunt her,
And doom to death at no far distant date
The Teuton grunt er.
For ho was wont with his unerring snout,
Out of the reach of every eye or missile,
To eat your own potatoes up without
Turning a bristle. "
So the insulting hog's life you would take,
Banning all pity from your mental compass,
For twenty million dying pigs will make
A mighty rumpus.
And, oh ! what feasts of sausages untold !
But who will eat up your potato peelings ?
And won't you miss in other ways the old
Familiar squealings?
And muse, mayhap, with mournful countenance,
\Yhen those leal friends of earlier hours are taken,
That you have lost your last remaining chance
To " save your bacon " ?
MAHCII 2-1, 1!H;V]
PUNCir, OR TIIK LONDON CIIAI;IV.\I:I.
2:i9
Bill (wlio lias just acquired a trench periscope). "HKBE v' ARE, ALP. Now YOU WATCII ME. THIS is HOW TO OBT 'EM."
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.")
Peter Paragon, Mr. JOHN PALMER'S novel, which finds
itself in MAUTIN SKCKEU'S intriguing Spring list, is a version
of the old Odyssey of youth in search of love. Unlike our
latest fashionable heroes, who arrive at their approximate
solutions through successive experiments of varying degrees
of seriousness, Peter, a thoroughly serious person from his
earliest, years, steers clear of rooks of temptation and shoals
of false emotion, finally bringing his unwrecked galley
safe into harbour. So much distinctly to the good. But
here 's a curious book. On page GO, Peter s father, con-
scientious clerk, admirable gardener, ineffectual anarchist,
whose relations with his son are quite charmingly described
and realised, is brought home dead from a street meeting
with a ballet through his brain. Some serious effect of so
unusual a happening is no doubt intended? Not at all.
It simply marks the end of a chapter and the beginning of
others in a quite new key. Pcter^ made rich by a successful
uncle, goes up to Oxford, to -Gamaliel, becomes inevitably
" Peter Payyvr," and leads a set of intellectuals who sharpen
their wit by elaborate ragging. An old Gamaliel man may
ho assumed to speak with authority, as here ho certainly
docs with sprightliness, of several of the traditional rags of
recent years, adding in a burst of creative exuberance the
diverting adventure of the trousers of the Junior Prior.
Peter, sent down, and established in London, wearies of the
intellectuals of Golder's Green and Clement's Inn, and
drifts reverently into upper circles. Here, to be candid, his
creator slips into something perilously near The Family
Herald, tempered of course by the Gamaliel manner. No,
the part about the dying Earl, and Lady Mary, who
believed so immensely in herself and her order, won't do.
And if the other pirts about the naughty granddaughter of
the farmer, and Vivette, the musical comedian, and the
return of Miranda will do (of whicli 1 'm not sure), at
least they don't fit. In fact I 'm not quite convinced that
Mr. Palmer has not be3n indulging in a little literary rag
of bis own for our confusion.
Probably by this time most readers of memoirs have
pleasant associations with the name of Mrs. HUGH FKASKII,
so that her latest volume, More Italian Yesterdays
(HUTCHINSON), will need little recommendation. If you
love Italy and enjoy anecdotal history, ancient and modern,
served in a medium of pleasant gossipy talk, you will like
this book. Much of it might perhaps more aptly be
described as Italian days-before-yesterday. There are, for
example, some chapters on the sanguinary affairs of
mediaeval Naples, and others — more interesting— about the
rise and fall of KINO MUBAT. For these last alone the
book would be well worth reading. But what I have
always liked most about Mrs. HUGH FIUSEH'B style is its
versatility. Discursive is an inadequate word. She is
fully capable of ranging in a paragraph from the horrors of
Bourbon cruelty to the engaging naughtiness of her
nephews. As she herself says, •• With the best intentions
in tho world I start to tell the story of some gn-at
person . . . and in the middle of the tale the sun strikes
on my page — a child laughs across the street . . . and
farewell to the historic train of thought! My hero or
saint recedes into tho shadows, and relinquishes the canvas
to a thousand amiable little sprites of memory who hold
it till they have frisked through the very last step of their
dance." Which exactly, and far better than I could do it
myself, indicates the charm of her book. I loved especially
a story she tells — in connection with nothing — of how her
210
1TXCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MABCH 24, 1915.
sin;i.ll sister and brother sent out widespread invitations for
a party of " theatrakulls " to the number of some two
hundred, and only by a happy accident was the grown-up
hostess warned of this entertainment. It seems character-
istic that no attempt was made to avoid the undesigned
responsibility, and the " theutrakulLs" duly took place, with
enormous surcv^. Surely, much of the jollity of a family
like Unit survives in its daughter's pages.
There is, or was, to be seen in the papers an advertise-
ment of some profit-sharing tobacco company, of which the
chief feature was a happy-looking person with a cigar in his
mouth who was supposed to be saying through the clouds
of the same, " 1 am paid to smoke." I achieved something
of this man's happiness while reading The Voice of the.
Turtle. The thought that I was actually being paid to read
it made my pleasure perfect, for as a rule, when I become
absorbed in a book, an incon-
venient conscience worries me
with suggestions that I am a
lazy devil well on the road to
the workhouse. It is a shame
to take money for reading The
Voice of the Turtle. It is the
pleasantest, most engaging
book. Shallows, Mr. FRED-
ERICK WATSON'S last novel,
good as it was, had not pre-
pared me for this excellent
comedy. If Messrs. METHUEN,
who publish both "books, have
any influence with Mr. WAT-
BON, they will urge him to
stick to comedy, for it is his
line. He has the style, the
sureness of touch, the gift for
characterization, the humour
and the instinct for the good
phrase which command suc-
;ess in this branch (or twig) of
iterature. He can be delight- '
'ully amusing, and, like the!
ady in Mr. GEORGE ADE'S
"able, can " turn right around
and be serious." As proof of
ihe first statement I would
idduce the description of Mr. Martin Floss's reasons for
.aking Deeping Hall, in Loamshire, his journey thither
and his first attendance at church ; as proof of the second,
*he various scenes in which the gradual alteration in his
S3
MORE GERMAN LOSSES.
"My BROTHER WRITES THAT HE'S FOUND ONE OF THOSE
UHLANS' HELMETS, AND HE'S STICKING TO IT AS A KEEPSAKE."
"My! WON'T THE KAISER BE MAD!"
liaracter is conveyed to the reader,
writer, is the exact opposite of his
Mr. WATSON, as a
Mr. Richards, the
choir-singer. The latter, "with a reckless debauch of
strength," produced no results whatever. The former has
written an excellent novel without seeming to exert him-
self at all. He has just quietly thrown off a little master-
piece.
Mrs. PARKY TRUSCOTT had intended to call her latest
.tory Stick Is Lije, but discovered at the last minute that
itle had been already requisitioned. She has hit on
x second name that is meant, I suppose, to come to about
Jio same thing as the first, since to be Brother --in-Law to
otts (WERNER LAURIE), or such as Potts, may be taken
s a typical incident of every-day existence. For it is as a
ery ordinary person that he is introduced, and the same
•pphes to his brother-in-law ; in fact so humdrum did all
ny new acquaintances seem likely to be from the openin"
hapters that I had serious doubts whether I could ever
call them friends. A fellowship in tube and bus is all very
well, but on a -winter evening 1 like the figures that people
my hearthstone to bring in some finer air of mystery ant
romance. But the authoress, as 1 ought to have remembered,
know well what she was about, and showed mo once moie
that the slangy bank clerk on the opposite seat was not
only her hero, but a worthy knight of KING ARTHUR'S
Table ; that her commercial traveller carried about a life-
work of regeneration with his bag. Indeed before I had
gone far I was made to realise that, though the scene ol
the drama was a London common and a house or two in
its drea'y neighbourhood, the piece itself, humorous,
romantic, tragic in turns, was really an old, old mystery
play — consciously allegorical. Whether as an allegory it
is entirely successful, or whether it will ho remembered
more for the fascinating intimacy of its characterisation
and the almost uncanny penetration of its philosophy, 1
am not presuming to say.
Perhaps you may think that
the difficulty of knowing where
to stop is not perfectly over
come — I admit I would rather
have known either more or less
of the Beautiful Lady — but
that is a point you must con-
sider after reading the book.
Take my advice and do so at
once.
Glad as I am to welcome
Mr. EDEN PHILLPOTTS back
to the Devonshire that is his
by right of pen, I think that
Brunei's Tower (HEINEMANN)
is a little lacking in salt and
also in West Country atmo-
sphere. But it would be unfair
to blame Mr. PHILLPOTTS for
these regrettable omissions
because his main object here
is to give us a very complex
psychological study. "A tall,
thin boy was stealing turnips,
and, chance sending a man to
look over a gate, that accident
determined the whole future
At onco my sympathy was
lad — Harvey Porter — who
life of the
enlisted
turnip-stealer."
on behalf of this
preferred stealing to starving, but after he had found
had
him
Mr. PHILL-
refuge in the pottery called
become a favourite with the
began sadly to wane. With
POTTS sets forth his hero's character; no fairer statement
Brunei's Tower and
my interest in
owner
meticulous care
of a case was ever made. But
Harvey's upbringing might ba
granted that a boy of
puzzled to distinguish
clearly between right and wrong, I still wonder whether
among his besetting foibles the vice of meanness need
have figured so strongly. Specialists in the influences of
heredity and environment will revel in a study that is
marked by great sincerity, but I have such an affection
for Mr. PHILLPOTTS' former work that I cannot offer him
a very enthusiastic welcome in his new role of psychologist.
"The Guillaume was congratulated by the British Admiralty on
its bombardment of Dardanos fort. This vessel demolished power-
ful batteries, and was struck by two 150 kilometre'calibre projectiles."
iJiMin Evening Mail.
These 94-mile calibre guns would have been used in the West,
no doubt, but that they are somewhat lacking in mobility.
MARCH 31, 1915.]
ri'NCII, 01! TI1K LONDON r|| \|;| VAIM.
241
CHARIVARIA.
II u.ii. l!i:v. President of the Turkish
Chamber, Ims informed an inter, irwer,
•• The attack mi I he Dardanelles leaves
in(i|ile." Of c
our idea \\iii that it slmuld hiiv a
chilling effect.
"Tin: jiAKDANM
OI'KKATIONS DKI.AVKI)
BY ( ton"
Etrpreu,
It is realls ven handsome of Mr. LYON
to take the responsibility upon himself icipal osier
when everyone else was blaming
the weather. ... ,.
ever, Unit this must l>o a rnii.;>:iratively
! affliction, for if ; in an
A Spring Tragedy.
*rti,]« in 7V,,
imperial •nice granted an bird* oonld be MM
interview to Mr. \Yiiin:.
"£5,ODO PAUPEB
iNVi SIMI'STS FOI.-NII AfTl:!t PuOlt-LAW
FUXKBAI.."
This gives one a vivid idea of the
wealth of our country. Gernun j
please note.
.• 1 1, -raid.
This is, v,e f,.;lr, tli
(•f overfeeding, and, if so. the •
(parents, we presume) have only them
selves to blame for the disagreeable
It is stated that owing to the urin
beds from thich wick,;
A (lerman airman lasl
dropped s<-\er;il bombs oil' I
but failed to do any permanent
damage to the sea, the holes being
closed up almost, immediately.
From a description of the
recent raid on Calais : — " As the !
Xeppolin drew farther away the j
firing gradually diminished."
This, we believe, is in accord-
ance with the best military
precepts. ... ...
A German comic paper pub-
lishes a drawing of "Admiral
John Bull " bin-rounded by a
horde of submarines, and say-
ing, " I suddenly see rats." The
(lerman submarines, we take
it, are called rats because they
leave sinking ships.
The following rhapsody ap-
peared in a recent issue of the
KSlnische Zeitung: — "The Ger-
man hymn 'Deutschland iiber
Alles ' is the loftiest, the noblest,
the most elevating, the manliest,
the most inspiring, the most
tuneful, the grandest, the most
poetical and glorious song that has ever • canes are obtained being in Belgium,
welled forth from human breast. It is there is a marked shortage of cradles.
divine, as is the origin of the people fort This is serious, as children may hesitate
whom it was composed." The Kolnische^ to be born. ... ^
/K-itiiiKj may now fairly be called a
pro-German paper. It is interesting to learn from the
current number of The Author that
Mr. MAX I'lCMiuutTON has been dis- there is something in the popular belief
onssing the question whether the War that authors write their own books
will hurt, religion. There seems to be , and not each other's. Messrs. MKTIH-KX,
a general feeling that the Veligion of jour contemporary informs us, have
' published " Mrs. Stanley Wrench's
new novel Lily Louisa, by Mrs. Stanley
FOOTBALL
ATCH
AID OF
REFUGEE
Desperate Scout. "PLEASE, SIB, DO YOU HAPPEN
HAVE SUCH A THING AS A I'EBISCOPB ABOUT YOU?"
Odin will be rather badly hit.
According to the l-'iijuro, the KAISEH
has a double. This explains the popu-
lar belief that be is beside himself.
Indeed, Mr. AI;NOU> WHITE has re-
cently published a book to prove that
the KAISKK is mad. \Ye gather, how- j beyond this.
Wrench."
From a confectioner's handbill: —
" Meat Pies (frosh daily) a Speciality.
Parties catered for and neatly executed."
Even the Germans have not gone
Imperial Court News.
Prince Align m re<-<-ntl.
t throat operation at Clini Qtie,
His condition is described a» satis-
factory."—CHmpoir Krening Tiiiiei.
We understand that the I'mvi.
will presently leave Clini Que.
neur Berlin, for the fresher air
and livelier surroundings of
Point d'Appui, in the North of
France.
From a letter in The Edin-
burgh Evening l>ix/,,itfh :—
"I had the pleasure of observing
the beautiful meteorite on the evening
of Oth March, walking eastwards.
I would see it for at least four
seconds, and its velocity was some-
what slow."
Naturally, if it was walking.
This case of pedestrian exercise
| on the part of a heavenly Ixxly
1 is not unique. Wo all remember
TENNYSON'S description of Orion,
; " Sloping slowly to the west."
" The 'Telegruaf ' learns that •
of the Prussian railway administra-
tions recently sent a notice to all
goods stations saying that the quan-
tity of goods sent by combatanU to
their families at home has assumed
such proportions that now and then
suspieiui: . l:.r.i> ar.M'n that the pack-
ages contain illegally acquired war-
booty or private property illegally
seized in a hostile country, especially
if the rank and social standing of the
senders do not justify the supposition
that the senders arc men of means."
Hftitrr.
It was of course fully justified in the
case of the GROWN I'HINCK, who is quite
well off.
A Hanging Judge.
" After being suspended during St. Patrick's
Day County Court Judge Drummond resumed
the civil cases on Thursday."
King's County Chrouirlf.
" New Book*.
KKLIOION.
THE IUKALB OP TIIK Pnorinrrs : S:.BUONB.
My Hi.- late C.iiiiin S. K. Driver.
THE NEXT LIKK. 1U the Ui-v. J. K.'id ll..w.itt.
NAPOI.KON III. ASH TIIK \YOIIKN in. IX.VBD.
]!y Ilivt >r l-'l >:vhin.inn."
The Glatgmr Herald.
Wo should have preferred to see the
last of these books classified under
" Various."
VOL. CXLVIII.
242
PUNCH, Oil THE LONDON CHARIVARI^
[MARCH 31, 1915.
BERNHARDPS APOLOGIA.
h
has
Hmmniblo
with tho fiicts.]
I 'M told they ask for broad and find
Their staff of life a broken reed
(No doubt a Teuton bluff designed
To make the hearts of neutrals bleed) ;
But you, BEHNIIAUDI, you at least
Need never know an aching hollow,
Who have, for your perpetual feast,
So many swelling words to swallow.
On these a siego you well might bear
Such as Pr/emysl never faced,
And show at last, with hands in air,
A heavy bulge about the waist;
For, though the cud that you have chewed
Has cost a deal of masticating,
I think you never handled food
So rich, so meaty, so inflating.
On this ambrosial forage fed
You leave your role of warrior-seer,
To re-create the past instead
For long and innocent ears to hear;
And in your twopence-coloured tract —
Its Teuton touch so light and airy — •
Dull History, disengaged from Fact,
Debouches on the bounds of Faerie.
I ask myself, as I survey
Your effort in The New York Sun,
"What will the other liars say
When they perceive their gifts outdone;
When they suspect, what now I know
Who hitherto retained a bias
In favour of the WOLFF Bureau — •
That you're the leading ANANIAS?"
O. S.
UNWRITTEN LETTERS TO THE KAISER
No. XVIII.
(A Fragment from G**RG* BZSN**D SH-:-W.)
but when I am asked to go a step farther I reallj
must cry Halt. For the truth is that you yourself, witl
your awful nod and your glittering uniforms and your louc
meaningless talking and your sham religion and your fond
ness for poor jokes, are merely one of the superfluous
things of which the world is full. Nobody who knows me
will suppose that, because I have chosen an inappropriate
moment for showing up my fellow-countrymen, I am
therefore likely to sing hosannas in your praise. What
see in you is, as I say, a superfluity. What you see in m
Heaven knows, and I think I can guess. It is intellect
pure intellect, and in paying attention to what is repre
sented to you as intellect you imagine you are acting up t<
the traditions of your family.
To be sure your predecessor didn't make much of hi
intimacy with VOLTAIUK. When all is taken into accoun
the sneering ill-conditioned old writer has the best of th
quarrel, though no doubt the King had his happy moment
when he set the philosopher shrieking his woes all ove
Europe. No, I don't like the precedent. I cannot hnagin
myself at Potsdam any more than I can imagine you at
a general meeting of the Fabian Society. By this I don't
mean that there are no worse places than Potsdam, any
more than I mean that there are no more delectable dis-
cussions than those of my beloved Fabians. All I mean
7/'aiul the Next War ' is that you and 1, both of us admirable men in our way,
' I KH! better keep ourselves to our own pasture grounds and
nol try, as you arc trying, to encroach upon those of our
eighbours. What should I do at Potsdam ? It is possible,
erhaps, for a German to have esprit — to be light and witty
i conversation, sympathetic in his intercourse with others,
npedantic and rational in his judgments ; but if we may
ssume the existence of such a German we may at the
ame time be quite certain that we shan't find him in
\>tsdam or in any place that has the true Potsdam qualities,
vith its tame Professors, its stiff military heel-clickers, its
ntolerable heaviness in the intellectual atmosphere and its
aim assumption, maddening to a mind like mine, that
jermans are necessarily right because they are Germans,
'o be patronised by a Professor or a General, and above all
o be patronised in the German language, would be death to
ne in something less than ten minutes. I don't want to
ie and I do want to go on writing prefaces to my plays, so
o Potsdam, the Canossa of the spirit, I, at any rate, refuse
o go.
May I remind you, by the way, that FfiEDERICK, your
•upreine model and CARLYLE'S favourite, was in some
points but a poor German. Prussians he thought excellent
a,s material for filling up casualty lists, but beyond that he
loesn't seem to have cared to give them much power. As
o the German language, he had the utmost contempt for
t as a medium of intercourse between civilised human
beings. Next to his ambition to win fame and rob MARIA
THERESA he had one ardent desire — to shine as a master of
the French language. He deluged VOLTAIRE with his efforts
n French poetry. After he had defeated SOUBISE in the
jattle of Eossbach he sat down and composed a perfectly
execrable copy of French verses, in which he held his enemy
up to the derision of mankind in an abominable series of
insults. The badness of the lines may perhaps be taken as
a strong proof of his patriotism. Have you ever read
iheru ? And, if you have, what do you think of them ?
You are certainly wrong when you declare that the
German case in this War must commend itself by its not-
to-be-broken strength to any candid mind. No mind could
well be more candid than mine, and I can only say that,
aving read with great reluctance much that has been
written on the subject by Germans, I have come to the
conclusion that your German case is the worst of all those
produced by the War. In comparison the case of England
is crystal clear, and even the case of Austria takes on a
certain amount of reasonableness. If you ask me why I don't
say that in England, I reply that that is not my way. To
pour cold water on the opinions of one's countrymen is the
best plan for getting oneself talked about — better even
than putting on a silver helmet and spouting Imperial
rubbish before an Army Corps. And if one makes a howler
about the history of the United States and the proprietor-
ship of Alaska so much the better. It isn't everybody who
can get himself corrected by a schoolboy.
Yours at a distance, G. B. S.
The Truce.
" Our readers are earnestly requested to support heAdvcrtisers in
the paper." — The Common Cause.
Appearing in an organ of the feminists this shows a most
forgiving spirit.
"All Germany wanted from Kussia was that she should not con-
tinue to be the hope of the Slaps." — Newcastle Keening Chronicle.
If Germany wanted to attract the Slaps to herself she has
succeeded beyond her wildest hopes.
I'H.NCH, Oil Till-: LONDON CHAKIVAUI M u:r., :il. 1'Ji:,.
«J|I _
&
A BBAZEN BAND.
TM i [.KTAI, CONDUCTOR. "STICK TO IT, TIRPITZ; KEEP ON MELTING THEIR HEARTS!"
MARCH 31,
PUNCH, Oil TIIIO LONDON ( '||.\ |;| V \ |;i.
I
A TOO
Jones (after half-an-)u>ur ivitk tlie bugle band).
GREAT SACRIFICE.
"I MUST CHCCK THIS. AFTER ALL — WHY BUIB ONE'S PACE?
A WAY WE HAVE.
Pte. 111111 Wilks had had a bad
night. The result was that he found
himself a few days later charged with :
(1) When on guard heing drunk at
his post.
(2) Mistaking the C.O. for a rabbit
and shooting him in the leg.
(3) Striking several of his superior
officers.
(4) Laying-out the Quartermaster.
(5) Losing by neglect one sock value
fourpence.
Second- Lieu tenant Smithson found
himself attending the court-martial "for
instruction." He was duly instructed.
The preliminary proceedings were
lengthy, but with the help of Captain
Hake's Manual of Military Law and
Captain Halibut's King's Regulations
and Manual of Map Reading the Presi-
dent got through them satisfactorily.
After twenty minutes' hard writing ho
looked up at the junior officers under
instruction, and, realizing that they
were losing interest, gave them per-
mission to think. Second-Lieutenant
Smithson accordingly abandoned him-
self to thought . . .
The prisoner having l>ecn brought in,
the Court was then sworn. The Presi-
dent swore Captains Hake and Halibut ,
and Captain Hake swore the President.
It was now Captain Halibut's turn, and
he swore the junior officers. There
were about fifteen of them, and he
I decided to swear them all together on
the same book. In the mtlte which en-
sued several thumbs were unplaced and
most of the others were left unkissed.
The prisoner pleaded " Guilty " to
the first four charges and " Not Guilty"
to the fifth. The Court was completely
upset by this, and Captain Hake had
to lose himself in the 90S pages of
Military Law for some hours before it
regained its calm. The President then
announced that he would take Charge 5
first. A very young subaltern, who was
• still suffering from the shock of having
I his thumb kissed simultaneously by
jtwo perfect strangers, dropped his
sword with a clatter into the fender
and spent the rest of the day trying
! to get it back into its scabbard.
It seemed to have got bigger some-
how. . .
The evidence was then read. It was
to the effect that Company Quarter-
master-Sergeant Sturgeon deposed that
on-or-about-the-5th-ult.-he-had-8er\i-d-
out - one- pair-of-socks- value-eightpence
to - the - accused - and - t hat-on-or-about-
thc-22nd - inst.-the-accused-was - found -
in - possession - of - only - half - a - pair -of-
socks - cross-examined- by -accused - did -
I -only - have - half -a- pair-of-socks - Com-
pany-Quartermaster-Sorgeant-you - did.
The Prosecutor rose. He said that
the accused, on or about the something
ult., had had one pair of socks served
out to him, value eightpence, and that
on or about a later date (inst.) he was
only in possession of half -a -pair of
socks. Consequently he was charged
with losing by neglect one sock, value
(approximately) fourpence.
Company Quartermaster - Sergeant
Sturgeon was then called.
1'i-i'siilcnt. Now then, just tell us
what happened.
C. V.-.V.-.S. Stunjf,,!!.— Sir, on or
about the fifth of February, nineteen
hundred and fifteen, I served out to
the accused, one pair of socks, value
eightpence. On or about the twenty-
second of March, nineteen hundred and
fifteen
This was the third time Second-
Lieutenant Smithson had had it in full,
and he yawned slightly.
President. Yes. Now I must write
that down. Begin again, and say it
slowly.
246
ITNCH, OH THE LONDON CirAlUVAllT.
fM,u)fii 31, 3915.
C. Q.-M.-S. Sturgeon. — Sir,
about the lifth -
on or
On— or — about- the
At this point the President's nib
broke, and the youngest subaltern but
one was sent out for a stronger one.
lie rose, put his cap on, walked to the
door, turned round, saluted, went out,
sent somebody for a nib, came in again,
saluted, took his cap off and sat down.
Second - Lieutenant Smithson sighed
and envied him his busy morning.
I'rfxiili'iit (Jinishhiij hi* icrilimj'). Yes.
Now I '11 just read that to you. " On
or about the —
(" That 's the fifth time I 've beard
it," said Smithson to himself,
it will be useful at the Front ").
A junior officer, who |
had described himself as
Prisoner's Counsel, but,
on the emergence of
Captain Hake from the
middle of Military Law
twenty minutes later,
consented to answer to
the name of Prisoner's
Friend, rose to cross-
examine.
Prisoner's Friend.
What makes you think
that—
The Prosecutor jumped
up and said that on page
79 it was distinctly laid
down that the Prisoner's
Friend was not allowed
to cross-examine until
after the verdict.
Captain Halibut (tum-
ing to page 79). There 's
nothing about it here.
The President pointed
out to Captain Halibut
;hat he was consulting
I hope
"Does it matter?" said Captain
Halibut. " He 's pleaded guilty to much
worse things."
The President thought it didn't
matter much, but Captain Hake pointed
out severely that in that ease the
whole day of one major, two captains,
an adjutant and fifteen subalterns bad
been wasted — an incredible thing to
suggest. "Besides," he added, "it's
a question who is going to pay for the
new sock."
" True," said the President ; " then
let 's give him the benefit and say,
' Not guilty.' "
Captain Hake fell into the Manual
of Military Law and explained how
this should he entered .
And that/ you think, is the end
How stupid of you. It turned out
that Captain Hake's name was really
Captain Hike, a fact which of course
washed out the whole proceedings. So
another court-martial was held, and
Second - Lieutenant Smithson, again
up for instruction, heard C. Q.-M.-S.
Sturgeon's evidence five more times.
And even that didn't settle it ; for at
the end of the second court-martial
the convening officer made another
discovery. Second-Lieutenant Smith-
son fancies it was that Prisoner's Friend
had paraded in court with the upper
lip shaved — contrary to the King's
Regulations, Sect. XII., par. 1696;
anyway there was a third court-martial,
I and for the fifteenth
? \ time Second-Lieutenant
•'-.-,' 'Smithson heard the
words : " One pair of
socks value oightpence."
Ho knows them by heart
now and is introducing
them into a little hand-
book he is preparing. It
is called Lightning
Training in War Time.
A. A. M.
PERCY'S PROGRESS.
" CURIOUS THING, EEOOIE — THESE CHAPS DRILLIN' EVERYWHERE USED
TO BORE ME AWFULLY, ONCE | BUT NOW I FIND I RATHER LIKE .WATCHIN1
'EM. SORT OF THING THAT SEEMS TO KIND OF GROW ON ONE."
;he Manual of Map Beading. Captain
Halibut apologised and suggested that
i window should be opened.
A heated discussion followed. Pris-
oner's Friend said that he only wanted
;o ask the witness if he were quite cer-
iain. Witness said at once that he
was. Prosecutor said that he wanted
o say some time or other, and he didn't
much mind when, that shooting your
commanding officer in the leg was a
very serious thing. President assured
lim that, as prisoner had already
jleaded guilty to this, nothing more
could be said on the subject. All
Prosecutor could do was to point out
;he heinousness of losing half a pair of
socks. Prosecutor promised to do this.
The day rolled on . .
At about 3.30 P.M. the Court was
cleared. The Prosecutor went out
under protest.
" Guilty ? " said the President to the
;wo captains.
Second-Lieutenant Smithson woke
up for the third time.
" And now," said
last, " the sentence,
youngest subaltern,
suggest ? " he asked.
the President at
He turned to the
What do you
The youngest subaltern had just got
his sword into its scabbard at last.
He jumped up, said " Death " huskily,
thought of the prisoner's mother and
altered it to "Admonished," and sat
down.
The President turned to the next
subaltern.
"Eedueed to Corporal," said the
next one briskly.
"He's a private already," said the
President, consulting his papers.
The subaltern lost his head. " Pro-
moted to Corporal," he amended lustily,
and hid himself behind his cap.
The President decided to consult the
two Captains. . . .
The New Hellenism.
Touching the advance
on Constantinople " A.
G. G." in The Daily
News wrote recently : —
" It is not unduly fanciful
to see in it a modern counter-
part of that legend of tho
Greek fleet that sailed up
those same waters to Troy to
rescue the ravished bride of
Agamemnon."
Pardon us, but wo think
it is unduly fanciful.
AGAMEMNON had enough marital trou-
bles of his own
being saddled with
MENELAUS.
to bear without
those of brother
Bane and Antidote.
" Wanted at once, chest of drawers and
piano for learner."
Edinburgh Evening News.
" I wonder," writes the sender of the
above, " what a learner can learn from
a chest of drawers." We have found
the answer. He can learn to shut up.
" All that is required is one yard of Zephyr
or print, and a skein of white flax thrjad.
The zephyr may bo bought at 4d. a yard, and
tho flax thread will cost one penny. So you
see, the cost of one overall will bo 5Jd."
H'omnn's Weekly.
The arithmetic may seem peculiar, but
something must be allowed for tho
labour, and bssides, the -Jrf. gives such
a realistic touch.
MAIICII :U, 1915.]
PUNCH, OH TIIH LONDON rn.MMVAlM.
Bus Driver (much annoyed at zigiag course of coal-cart). "Hi! WOT YEB TUISK YOU 'BE DOIN'? Downs' A SCBMABISE?"
THE ROAD TO BERLIN.
I 'M looking for the man who de-
signed the " Silver Bullet " puzzle. I
liave something to say to him that
won't keep.
What's so maddening is Peter's
attitude towards the wretched tiling.
He comes in from school, sees it lying
about, picks it up any old how, gives it
a few really hard shakes, a pat here
and a bang there, and the bullet is
where good British bullets should be —
in Berlin.
He doesn't even give his mind to it
while he's doing it, but goes on
whistling the air which was in pro-
gress when he arrived home.
Peter is rising nine, and I 'm a few
inches over forty-seven, and a special
constable with prospects of early pro-
motion, but I haven't succeeded in
mastering the puzzle yet.
Yesterday Peter went over the course
a dozen times in as many minutes.
"You havo another try, Daddy," he
said.
" Well, only one," I said.
I got as far as Magdeburg for the
first time in my life, and determined to
have one more. " Absolutely the last,"
I said.
It was then 8.10, and at 8.46 I think
Peter was sorry he had tempted me.
" Look here, I said, " you may stay
up till I 've done it, for a treat. I
shan't be long. I nearly did it that
time. I got past Hanover."
" Thanks," said Peter, " but I have
to go to school in the morning. As
you 're busy, I 'm going to bed now."
I was busy. I 'd reached Hamburg
three times, and the lust of conquest
was heavy on me. It was at 11.15
that the flower-vase went. Dresden
was responsible for that. There is a
horrible swan-neck curve as you ap-
proach the town from Leipzig, and I
tried one of Peter's sideway jerks.
Still, if I hadn't been leaning over the
table to get the full benefit of the
electric light which hangs over it,
Alison's favourite bit of glass might
have gone on a little longer.
Towards midnight Alison called to
know if I was aware of the time.
" Hush ! " I said ; " I' m just outside
Berlin. The Germans might hear you.
1 'vo got to Potsdam."
I shouted the last syllable because
at that moment the bullet slipped down
the hole. By 12.30 I had reached
Potsdam four times, and four times the
accursed Bosches had mined the road
and swallowed the advancing foe.
It was not till 1.17 that by an on-
paralleled feat of dexterity I got the
bullet past Potsdam, and Berlin foil.
Unfortunately the rest of the ap-
paratus fell with it, and the glass broke.
That was the price I had to pay for
Peace, but it was worth it.
At 0. H. Q.
" My interview took place in » large and
well-lighted room, the sole furniture of which
was a huge table spread with map* and tome
armchairs." — Daily Telegraph.
It must have been " some " table, too.
In the North Sea Squadron they
refer to the Kiel Canal as Fleet Stroot.
" Those who may wish to supplement Lo*§
of Capital sustained by depreciation in the
value of investments which hitherto hare
been regarded as contributing the main pro-
vision for their families should write for
particulars of a special scheme for thu
purpose." — Advt. in " Irish Times."
With "racing as usual" a special
scheme seems superfluous.
248
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CIIAEIVAIM.
[MAKCH 31, 1915.
WAR NEWS FROM ITALY.
Borne, March '2fith, 1915.
I THINK it limy interest you to know
\\luit I he 1'ivss here is saying about
I he War. In Italy wo do not have
••Slop lYeis News " or " Latest News
from the Front." We browse instead
on " Ultimate Notices " and " Recentis-
simies" (an Ultimate Notice bearing
about the same relationship to a l!e-
centissimy as ;v Jxindon " egg " to a
I Condon Mnew-laidegg")i The language
also possesses the advantage of enabling
one to make short work of places like
Lwow (Leopoli is both elegant and prac-
ticable), though towns consisting purely
of consonants remain the same Shibbo-
leths hero as elsewhere. We have ap-
parently several sources of information,
and from a general sifting of telegrams
I have come to the conclusion that
those headed G.E. are trustworthy,
while those preceded by E.V. are not.
Caterina, who makes periodical sorties
from the kitchen to proffer pantomimic
assistance when I am in difficulties,
suggests that they all Emanate from
the l)evil ; but then she is a Sicilian.
" (G.E.) One announces from Londra,
and The Daily Meivs annexes grand im-
portance to this telegram," etc., is read
with interest and only slight mental
reservation. " (E.V.) From Berlino by
radiotelegrafy " (we read on for fun)
" one is informed that ten English ships
of war became sunk in the sea of the
North after a sconflict with our torpe-
does " ; or telegrams headed, " The War
reflected from Berlino," are frankly dis-
missed with a smile of superior wisdom
or an impatient shrug.
You must not suppose that because
Italy is neutral she is sparing of head-
lines and large type ; on the contrary,
we indulge in these in a most liberal
manner. Then, too, regarding our
official news, we are not to be put off
with such dry stuff as the consolidation
of positions round Perthes or slight
progress near to Berry-au-Bac. We
have instead strictly neutral guesses of
an agreeably titillating nature : —
"The Russians respinted from Po-
lonia ? " " The defunct general Hadda-
nuffsky shall have been resurrected ? "
"80,000 prisoners and four mitraglia-
trices impadronited by the Austrians ? "
Unfortunately other sentences ap-
parently guileless are not all that they
seem, and Caterina's gestabulary is not
always equal to coping with them.
On the other hand, " The German State
Major has prepared since a long time
a vast and complex piano," etc., is ob-
viously sheer rubbish.
Some gems I secrete from Caterina,
and hug them in all their fascinating
obscurantism to my British bosom.
For example — " Scoiitri fra
ill ciii-tilli'i-iu nellf. Iri/ici'c, nd pomeritjijio
ilfl 24." I often brood over this.
" Scounters between pattugles of cav-
alry " opens well enough ; but the rest
seems to he a conundrum.
The Italian language is nothing if
not courteous. Note how amiably it
refers to its but lately bitterest enemies :
" Diticomfiture of two Turkish divisions."
On another page of tho same issue
popular satisfaction would appear to
have outrun editorial courtesy : " Turks
slogged from Tschoroch. Ottoman de-
feat complete." Caterina was too mild
over " sloggiati," inferring a pushing
movement ; perhaps, however, the
Italians, being a Southern race, slog
more gently than tho Russians.
We do not feed solely on Allied and
German telegrams. We have indepen-
dent comments of our own on the War
in general. We examine the conditions
on the two fronts dispassionately, and
though one writer in The Courier of the
Evening is inclined to believe that it
will take tho Allies thirteen years to
reach Cologne, on the other hand a
more hopeful gentleman entertains the
opinion that the new English armies
will upset the sqitilibrio (apple-cart ?).
Caterina and I discourse non-com-
mittally on the chances of the " War
OUR SKI SECTION.
ON the whole ours is a good corps.
We have bits of most things, but for a
long time lacked a ski section. I men-
tioned the matter to our Commandant,
not in tho spirit of reproach but of
suggestion. After considerable hesita-
tion he gave me permission to raise one.
He is rather old-fashioned in his idea ;
and seemed to doubt the practical
utility of the section. He even talked
about the approach of Summer. He
has spent tho last few years in India
and forgotten the rigours of an English
May. I pointed out to him that France
might well reproach us with not taking
the War seriously when we were not
even training skiers to meet ANTON
LANG on equal terms should he land
on the East Coast from Oberammergau.
I was lucky in getting a nucleus, con-
sisting of two men who had skied before,
three who had seen skis, and four who
had heard of them. We bought up a
derelict stock laid in before the War in
anticipation of Winter sports.
As the snow harvest in this country
is somewhat uncertain, I decided to
start drilling without waiting for a fall.
I had some difficulty in getting the
squad to form fours neatly. I had to
reprimand Bailey several times for
of Dirigibles and Submergibles," Cater- •' treading on the skis of his rear-rank
ina on the whole favouring the Zipiloins.
Colourless anecdotes and recently-ful-
filled prophecies round up our daily
mental fare. Sometimes by way of
a bonne bmcche we have a horoscope
of the KAISER (Guglielmo). And so
from the huge Recentissimies of the
War we descend to the small beer or
Little Chronicles": — "The Parisian
Pythoness ; " " Grave suicide of prom-
ised spouses ; identification of these."
Finally we peruse with languor the
advertisements or " Little Publicities,"
for after all the journalistic emotion we
have been through we feel as though we
bad actually been struggling with the
Germans in Sciampagna and Fiandra,
and were really taking our share in the
great cataclismo (world-sconflict).
" 18,000 words often mispronounced W II
P. Phpfe."
Advt. in "Hong Kong Daily Press."
If Mr. PHPFE can pronounce his own
name correctly, there can scarcely be
18,000 words that present difficulties
to him.
" The Eailway Department announces that
arrangements have been made for a reduced
train service, whereby a million males peryear
will be ' saved.' "—Nydney Daily Telegraph.
man. Bailey didn't properly under-
stand the things and would insist that
they had sent him an odd pair.
Our most effective turn was marking
time. I am told that we could be
heard two miles off, and that a number
of people mistook us for a pom-pom in
action.
I have had several offers of Music
Hall engagements if I can get my men
a little more effective.
The section had standing orders to
mobilize at the top of Ludgate Hill at
the first sign of snow. I thought that
this would be a nice easy slope for
them to start practising on. Our first
mobilisation was rather a fiasco owing
to the unsatisfactory nature of the
snow . Several Hakes looked like setti ng,
but were run over by motor-buses in
their early infancy.
On the second occasion our man-
oeuvres were spoilt by the obstinacy
of the Commissioner of Police and the
Corporation. The former refused to
stop the traffic, whilst the employes of
the latter made spasmodic efforts to
steal our snow. This led to confusion,
the permanent loss of one man to our
corps and the ruin of three pair of skis.
It was unfortunate that tho motor-bus
"1 _ .
Saved for the line, we hope. With this land our casualty both skidded at the
splendid Australian example before same time and in one another's direc-
them our own railways can surely spare tion. I think that the motor-bus was
a few more men for the colours. to blame, because the skier started his
MAUCH 31,
PUNCIf, OR THK LONDON' CHAKI YAKI.
249
skid first, Bailey carelessly did the
"splits" in front of a taxi and got liis
skis run over. I have launched ;m
action against tho motorist who got my
right ski mixed up witli the spokes of
Ilis off hack wheel. Ho oughtn't to
have conic so close just as I was getting
up from a lying-down position.
Before wo were really used to the
business the Corporation men got away
with the host part of the snow and we
had to adjourn to Hampstead Heath.
We lost three more men on the
Heath, as tho snow wouldn't lie evenly
on tho slopy bits. 1 hadn't much
sympathy for one man who would go
down tho hills backwards. I told him
that he was sure to bump the back of
his face.
Those of us who took train to Derby-
shire found some good snow and got
some useful experience. We mightn't
have had so many serious accidents if
I had kept them to extended order
drill. They confused battalion drill
with company drill. When I ordered
them to " form section " they usually
" formed mass," and the subsequent
sorting wasted a lot of time. Our
professor of mathematics confused the
order up with conic sections and spent
his lime describing parabolas. Higgs
went back at the end of the first day
in anger because we refused to waste
the whole afternoon looking for half-a-
sovereign which he said he had lost in
the snow.
We found our rifles a nuisance, and
Bailey and Holroyd nearly came to
blows. Holroyd declared that Bailey
had wantonly tried to bite off the fore-
sight of his rifle so as to prevent his
winning the shooting trophy. Bailey
was most unfortunate. He seemed to
go out of his way to get hurt. It 'a
quite an acrobatic feat to get the point
of one's ski in one's own eye, but
Bailey managed it. I never could get
the section to lie down simultaneously;
nor could we find any satisfactory
method of keeping in touch with our
rifles or concealing our legs and skis
from the enemy.
As soon as I found out how rusty
other men's rifles got I wasn't so upset
at having overlooked mine in the snow.
When the thaw set in the four of us
who were still out of hospital decided
not to volunteer for service with the
Alpine Chasseurs but to stick to Home
Defence. We have arranged to suspend
operations until we get some more
recruits to fill up the vacancies. Ski-ing
isn't as simple as it looks in the
pictures ; there 's always the chance
that a damp cartridge won't go off.
I may have more to say on the sub-
ject when we begin manoeuvring with
fixi (1 bayonets.
\ \r-
^ U, ^
THE REFINING INFLUENCE OF WAR.
The Victor. "Now, I S'POSE I GOT TO GIVE YOU FIRST A:D."
Another Dog of "War.
" With her wounded bull hound in collision
mats . . . she remained afloat and was safely
guided into drydock."
Montreal Daily Star.
This hitherto unrecorded casualty will
be read with sympathy by his brethren
of " the bull-dog breed."
A Generous Administration.
" PERTH, Sunday.
Some time ago members of the Scaddan
Ministry mutually agreed among themselves
to give at leant 0 per cent, of their salaries to
tho War Distress Fund.
Payments of the kind were kept up for some
time, but lately they have ceased. The matter
is now the theme of general comment."
Sydney Morning Herald.
If this statement is accurate — which
we take leave to doubt — the West
Australian Ministers would appear to
have acted upon the time-honoured
principle — " What I gives is nothing
to nobody."
Our Veteran*.
" St. James's Palace, where Lord Kitchener
is now settled, has not been used as his Royal
residence since the time of George IV. . . .
Vice-Admiral Garden, who is in command of
tho fleet at the Dardanelles, ban been in the
navy since 1807 ! " — Lurgan Mail.
Lord KITCHENER seems to have the
advantage in rank (being apparently
of Royal blood), but Admiral GARDEN
beats him by several years in seniority.
" Let nobody say to himself, • Among the
untold millions of money our Anna's 100 marks
do not count.' Rather let everybody consider
how many Annas there are in the German
Empire with a hundred or several hundred
marks. All these hundred marks together
make several millions. If every Hausfrau
were to think • Our Anna's 100 marks do not
matter,' all these millions would lie unused."
North German Gazette.
We understand that in India 16 Annas
go to a Rupee. How many will Ger-
many require to cover the War Loan?
280
PUNCH, Oil TIIK LONDON eHARlY AIM
[MARCH 31, 1915.
Old Lady (to nepliew cm leave from Hie Front). "
KNOW YOU ABE SAFELY BACK IN THE TRENCHES."
GOOD-BYE, MY DEAB BOY, AND TBY AND FIND TIME TO SEND A POSTCABD TO LET ME
THE BIRDS OF ST. JAMES'S.
I RAMBLED round St. James's Park
(A pleasant after-luncheon jaunt)
To woo digestion and to mark
The varied waterfowl that haunt
St. James's lake ; the scene was drear,
For men have drained the local mere.
Where dimpled waters danced of late
Lies arid concrete, chill and bare,
But just beside the Whitehall gate
One sorry pool remains, and there
Such homeless birds as love the damp
Have formed a concentration camp.
And where before the lake ran dry,
The pelicans' exclusive club
Contrived to win from passers-by
Most of the notice (and lire grub),
Coarse rowdy riff-rail throng the plat,
A vulgar proletariat.
The pelicans, so ill equipped
To race with widgeon, coot or teal,
Nine times in ten get badly pipped
When sprinting for the casual meal ;
From their demeanour I inferred
That this is apt to sour a bird.
For now they darkly brood apart,
Observing an unwelcome fast,
Eacli mourning in his secret heart
The dear undemocratic past,
Before the ebbing of the flood
Had set aside the claims of blood.
AN EASTEE CALL FOR
SACRIFICE.
Londell's rooms are two — one to
sleep in, and the other to bolt toast
in. I found him in the breakfasting
chamber. On the table was a basin of
lot water ; Londell, with a small
sponge in his hand, was gazing sadly
at a Gladstone bag.
" Forgive me for intruding on this
busy bath night," I said. " I have
looked in to remind you of our Easter
engagement. This time, try to avoid
packing odd boots for your spare pair."
" I don't think I can come away for
Easter," he said gloomily ; and he
fingered the sponge as one in a dream.
Something had depressed Londell ;
he wanted rousing. I went and helped
myself to one of his three remaining
cigars, but it had no effect.
"If I had another bag," he went on,
" it might be different ; but this is the
only one I have."
" What 's the matter with it ? Quite
a good bag, it seems to me."
Londell: pointed to it in a way that
made me think I had never before seen
him so like the late Sir HENRY IRVING
" There," he said, " is the work of half a
lifetime. That collection is among the
best in the Temple. I have lavishec
time and thought, ay, and money
upon it. It has cost me two hundred
xmnds if it has cost me a penny. Am
t to sacrifice all for the sake of a
paltry four or five days at the sea ? "
" I don't know what you 're talking
about, but I feel sure you 're wrong."
" I don't mind the Ghamonix one, or
,hat little chap under the buckle there
—the one from the Canaries. But
now could I face Bournemouth with
all those German and Austrian hotel
labels on my bag ? "
The Trojan Horse Outdone
11 PARIS, Tuesday.— After the Frenchmen's
fruitless efforts to capture the strongly-heic
position at the Great Dune, twenty-four
Algerians, concealed in the bellies of horses,
appeared in the German trenches at night-
fall. When the Germans wore about to
capture the horses, the response was a sharp
cry, and the Algerians galloped back to the
French lines, whereupon twenty-four grey
forms rose from the ground, and thivw
themselves into the trenches."
Sydney Daily Telegraph.
The Arab horse's powers of initiative
have evidently been under-estimated.
" The Kaiser, on a white horse caparisoned
in purple, angrily stepped into a motor-car
and went to Lille'." — Waikato Times, N.Z.
A remarkable instance of putting the
car before the horse.
rUNQH. Pit THE LONDON CHAK1 VAUI.— MABCH 31,
THE HAUNTED SHIP.
Ghost of the Old Pilot. "I WONDER IF HE WOULD DBOr ME NOW I'
[April 1st is the hundredth anniversary of BISMAECK'S birth.]
MAI:.'|[ .'(1,
PUNCH, Oil TIIK LONDON CIIAIMVAIJI.
A NORTH-COUNTRY IDEAL.
TUP: Belgian army st<;oil on tho top
of a mound brandishing its trusty pine-
wood blade. Tho rabble of Germans,
recovered from one irhulT. WHS gather-
ing fore 'H for another charge. The
Belgian army changed its sword from
tho right to t.lio left band, drew out an
imaginary watch, and consulted it
leverely.
Hs dctiant voice rang out through
tbo sharp air. " I '11 give you," it
cried — " 1 '11 givo you ten nuuiitcs to
clear out of Belgium."
Tho dramatic hush after this ulti-
matum was broken by the hurried
clamour of tho school bell. Allies and
enemy alike showed a jumble of red
knees and flying heels as they rushed
scboolwards across the field.
Tho Mistress paused on tho way to
her d sk.
" Take your slates," said she, " and
with very gf.od writing and very good
spelling tell mo what you are going to
he when you grow up. Even belting
on Frenches and Jellieoes," she mur-
mured as she sat down.
A busy silence fell on the school-
room. The open lire crackled cheerily
and wanned away tho circles of frosty
air each little combatant had carried
in with him. Pencils scraped, or were
sucked audibly as a help to intellectual
wrestling. Bobby — the army of the
Belgians — had rubbed out his beginning
three times with a wet and grubby
forefinger, and was squeaking along the
dark wake in a fourth attempt. Spelling
was no trouble to him. A difficulty is
not a difficulty if you sternly refuse to
recognise it as such ; but he had worries
not unconnected with the shape of the
more knobbly letters.
The voice of the Mistress broke the
silence. "Boys, stop writing; stand
and turn your slates."
The little line of boys stood, slates
held firmly forward to be read. The
Mistress went slowly along. Outwardly
she marked with thin chalk and talked
of spelling and capitals and suchlike
mysteries. Inwardly, she kept count.
One small finger of the left hand was
tightly folded in for each Admiral,
while the Generals, Lance-Corporals
and Kield- Marshals were counted with
the right. At the end of the line five
fingers of each hand were firmly
doubled in and it was difficult to hold
tho chalk.
" All square," said tho Mistress softly,
" and one to go. Bobby for tho casting
vote."
Bobby's slate was still turned towards
him. With infinite pains and much
puffing he was putting the final touches
to his treatise.
Sandy (member of a martial family, returning from tea. with some friends of a like age).
" I 'M GLAD I TOOK MY GUN, MOTHEB. JACK AMD Moi.I.IE HAVEN'T A SINGLE WEAPON IN
THE PLACE. WHY, YOU WOULDN'T KNOW THERE WAS A WAR ON ! "
"Come, Bobby," said the Mistress,
with interest, " are you a brave defender
too?"
" Yes 'm," said Bobby.
" What is it with you? Land or sea?
A soldier?"
" Yes "m," said Bobby, beaming.
The chalk, held in her right hand,
snapped.
" Well," she said, " is it a Captain?
or a General? or" — with awe, as the
vision of a burly three-striper, much
adored by the boys, crossed her mind —
" can it be a Sergeant, Bobby ? "
For rank Bobby cared nothing. A
soldier, to him, was a man who stood
against fearful odds, Uhlans and things,
and beat back the rascally foe. One
word, heard often of late, had come in
his mind to stand for this. He had IT
in his essay.
"Come, lot me see," said the Mis-
tress.
Proudly he turned the slate. Bobby's
essay ran clear through the smudges
of much strife —
" Im goin to be a Beljum."
An Oxford correspondent kindly
sends us the following extract from tho
catalogue of Sir ARTHCU EVANS' Cretan
Monographs : —
'•ERRATUM.— Pago 17, note 1: for 'sky-
totes ' read • rhytons.' "
We are sorry that Sir AIITHIU thought
it necessary to part with "skytotes'1;
it is just the short word we have been
wanting for aeroplanes.
354
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 31, 1915.
JIMMY.
I DON'T know if you arc having tho
-los ntyourhousr. \\V a-.-o. They're
on mo. Tlioy are not luilf bad, really.
You have to sicken for them first, and
then you get them. Tho doctor camo
B mo havo tin-in. JIo gavo mo a
cynical thermometer to suck. Ho tied
a piece of string to it first because ho
said that it was a one-minuto ono. 1
don't like the tasto of thermometers.
1 hit 0110 once and the end came off
and disagreed with me. Jimmy says
when they put tho thermometer in
your mouth you have to see how
far you can make tho mercury
move up tho tuhe. Jimmy can
make it move up to the top
every time. He says you have
to hold your breath and then
blow. The thermometer wouldn't
boil, so the doctor told mo to put
out my tongue at him. The last
time I put out my tongue at
someone I had to have it im-
pressed on my mind not to ; it
was over a chair.
So I asked tho doctor if it
wouldn't do if I made a face at
him instead. I am not so very
good at making faces. Not as
good as old Jimmy. He can
move his ears. And his scalp.
Jimmy says very few people can
move their ears really well. He
can do it one at a time, but he
won't do it now unless you give
him two pen-nibs. He is col-
lecting pen-nibs. He says if you
collect a thousand pen-nibs you
get a bed in a hospital.
They made me pub out my
tongue at the doctor. When it
was all out the doctor said it was
a very nice one. Then he took
hold of my wrist and looked at
his watch. I asked Jimmy what
the doctor looked at his watch
for. He told me that measles made
the watch go slower, and if it stopped
you were dead. Jimmy said that his
wrist always made the doctor's watch
stop. I asked him why ho wasn't dead
then, and ho told me it was because he
could move his ears. Jimmy says he
always kept moving his ears while the
doctor was busy with him.
1 had the measles all right. I had
only a few at first, five, I think, and tho
doctor said 1 ought to keep them tucked
up or else I should catch the complica-
tions. I asked Jimmy what the compli-
cations were. He had como quietly up
our backstairs to see me and tho measles.
I told him he would catch them too.
But ho said he wouldn't if he kept
moving his ears. Jimmy said he kne"w
all about tho complications. He said
ho had done them in arithmetic; they
camo next to decimals and were things
whore tho numerator was bigger than
tho thermometer.
\Vlien tho doctor saw mo next day
he said tho rash was well out. I
know that, because I had given up
counting them. Tho doctor said 1
should have to have tho quarantine
next.
1 asked Jimmy if ho had over had
the quarantine. He said it was stuff
you put on your hair to make it shine.
Jimmy brought mo a caterpillar and
two thrush's eggs in a matchbox. I
•d
PROOF POSITIVE.
Village Haberdasher. " YEW TAKE IT FROM ME, SIB,
FOLK IN DUE VILLAGE BE VERY SPITEFUL AGIN THE
GERMANS. WHY, Oi RECKON Oi 'VE SOLD FIFTY 'ANKEB-
CHER3 wi' KITCHENER'S FACE ON "EM I "
asked him why the rash came out all
over me. He said it was the measles
and that they had to come up to the
surface to breathe. He said if I would
let him vaccinate me with his pen-
knife they would all go away. Jimmy
is going to be a doctor — when he grows
up. He said it wouldn't hurt me if I
held my broath. But I wouldn't let
him. I said he might taste some of my
medicine though, and ho said ho knew
what it was made of. He said he
could make mo up some much better
medicine than that. It was medicine
that the Indians always used. They
made it out of the bark of trees, and it
would cure warts as well as measles.
He said there was a certain way of
making it that wasn't found in books,
because it was only when an Indian
was going to die that he told anyone
how to make it. Jimmy said it was
splendid stuff, and that, besides curing
warts and measles, it would make boots
waterproof. Only tho cleverest doctors
know about it, Jimmy said, and they
daren't tell anyone lest tho Indians
should get to know, and kill them.
Tho doctor said I might get up and
have the quarantine downstairs. Ho
said I wasn't to go near anyone or
they would catch it. He said I looked
very happy. 1 was. You see the
doctor had sat down on tho chair on
which I had placed tho thrush's eggs.
Jimmy says it is unlucky to sit
on thrush's eggs, but that you
can make it all right again by
counting ten backwards. That
was what the Indians did, ho
said.
I didn't mind the quarantine
a bit, though it made mo feel
weak in my legs at first. Jimmy
said that tho best thing for weak
legs was to walk barefoot through
nettles. He said that the Indians
made their children do that, and
that was why they could run so
well. Jimmy made me some
medicine out of a rare kind of
root he had found by accident.
It smelt like cabbage. He said
it would make me feel very
hungry and that he always took
some at Christmas time. A
gipsy had told him the secret in
confidence in exchange for a pair
of his father's boots which he
thought his father had done with.
When I was nearly well from
the quarantine Jimmy and I
arranged to go fishing. He said
he had some stuff which attracted
all the fish if you poured some
in the river. He said that a
poacher told him how to make
it.
Jimmy says next to being a
doctor he would like to be a poacher.
He told me how to catch pheasants.
All you had to do was to put some
stuff out of a bottle on tho ground,
near where the pheasants roosted at
night, and it would stupefy them.
Then, he said, they fell out of the
trees and you put them in a bag. Ho
said tho stuff was made out of herbs
which came from Australia. It was
very strong stuff, he said. Two drops
placed on the tongue of a dog would
kill the strongest elephant, Jimmy said.
We didn't go fishing after all. I
waited for Jimmy for over an hour, but
he didn't turn up. So I went to his
mother's house. Jimmy lives with his
mother. Jimmy's mother said that he
was in bed very busy with tho measles
and that he wanted to be left alone.
MAUCH 31, 1915.]
OK Till' LONDON CIIAIMV.MM.
266
A CHIMNEY-SWEEP FOR ENGLAND.
MY lads have gono to do their bit,
(lod bloss 'cm, in tlio kliuki line,
And I 'd bo in the thick of it,
With ten years oil' this back o' mine.
Old England put mo in a trade
What's little cash and plenty black,
And kept me there, but slill she 's paid
Sutnmat I 'd die to give her back.
And so I 'd worried for a share
To let me fool I didn't shirk —
Some job as younger men could spare
For my two hands to grip and work.
And now my sweeping's brought n
stroke
Of luck at last. I 've cleaned to-day
The chimneys at a house where folk
From Belgium 's being asked to stay.
When I was done and packed to go,
A lady got up off her knoes —
Sho'd boon a scrubbing —wants to know
How much I 'm charging for it,
please.
I wish 'twas more;
nothing, Ma'am,"
" My bit, this is
I 'm chargin
says I ;
" My hands was plaguing me aforo
To let 'em work or tell 'em why.
" And any more there is to sweep,
Don't you forget as I 'm the man
As wants a chance that lets him keep
On doing stimmat as ho can."
Sho didn't ask to pay again —
A lady, her, and no mistake —
But smiled and held her hand and then,
Sooty or not, I had to shako.
" That 's just the way I 'm feeling too,"
Was all she said. I stepped out
where
The kids was playing, sky was blue —
And me no cheat to see 'em there.
AMONG the advantages which we ex-
pected to result from the capture of a
certain fortress in Galicia was a change!
of its name to something more easily
pronounceable by British lips. Our
hopes were a little dashed when we
road in 7Vii' Slur : — •
'•The correspondent of Tim Daily News in
Potrograd makes the interesting announce-
ment that in future Przomysl will be known
by its old Russian name of Przemysl."
On turning to The Daily A'cir.s- itself
\vc wore comforted by reading that the
fortress "now resumes its old Russian
name of Pennysl," but were again
thrown into some perplexity by learning
on the same authority that the Archduke
FiuKDRicH had sent "greetings and
thanks to the unconquered heroes of
Head of Firm. "COME IN, SIR. ALL MY STAFF'S UNLISTED. I'M OFFICE BOY
FOB THE MOMENT. IF YOU'LL TELL ME YOUB BUSINESS I'LL COMMUNICATE WITU
MYSELF AND LET YOU KNOW IMMEDIATELY WHETHER I 'M FREE TO SEE YOU."
Perinsyl." The spelling, however, is a
comparatively trifling matter. The
really crucial question is the pronunci-
ation. The Daily News says, "Pru-
shemizel — the first syllable is very
short " ; but The Daily Express, in ppp
tones, remarks, " Please pronounce it
as Pschemeezel." Prom the news-
paper authorities we then turned to
the experts. Mr. SYDXKY WHITMAN
boldly writes in The Evening News : —
" The true Slavonic pronunciation of Prze-
mysl is ' Priz-ee-missile,' pronouncing these
syllables in the way we pronounce 'quiz,' 'ea*
and a 'missile' — a cannon-ball."
This seemed almost too simple to be
true ; so, seeing that Mr. HILAIRE
BELLOC had been lecturing in Glasgow,
we eagerly perused the report in The
Glasgow Evening Times, hoping to come
upon a really authoritative utterance.
Alas! for once Mr. BELLOC failed to
have the courage of his opinions, for
this is what we read : —
"Mr. Belloo . . . pronounced it cmisil,'
though he cautiously gave no guarantee of
correctness."
The great oracle having failed to give
a certain sound, we. were almost in
despair. But rescue came from an un-
expected quarter. " Our milkman,"
writes a correspondent in North Lon-
don, " told us yesterday of the great
Russian victory of Prymrosill." Light
at last! A star has fallen from the
Milky Way.
" While the capture of Memel, with its
shipbuilding yards, manufactories of cement,
fortifications, garrison and buns is regarded
as unimportant from the strategic standpoint,
it is recognised that it will have a great moral
effect upon German opinion." — Star.
Wo understand now why the Germans
were so determined to recapture it.
256
PUNCH, Oil THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
IMAKCH 31, 1915.
THE WATCH DOGS.
XIV.
I)KAK CHAKI.KS, A perfect spring
morning ; a clean, but rather idle
street loading to an even cleaner and
more idle railway station. Facing the
Cation, half right, a cafe, and also
facing the station, half right, myself
and ins brother officers full of good
will towards humanity in general in
spite of the execrable coffee and bacon
we have just eaten. We sit on chairs
on the />un'', and far above us in the
blue sky flutters gracefully an aero-
plane. It is an exceedingly pretty
sight ; it becomes even prettier when
little white clouds suddenly appeal-
round it from nowhere. If one hap-
pened to be looking when the little
white cloud arrives, one sees a flash,
but whether it is an English aeroplane
being shelled by a German gun, or
the other way on, no one seems to
know, except perhaps the gentleman
who is being shot at. From this
picture you are requested not to
recognise the nameless spot to which
our thoroughly UnsentimentalJourney
through France has brought us.
The peace of the day was rudely
disturbed at noon by the arrival of a
more personal shell in the very midst
of our billets. I am told that this was
probably our own faults for being much
too interested in that aeroplane. Appar-
ently it was hostile after all, and ex-
perience goes to show that if people
look up at these intruders their faces
l>ecome apparent to the observer, and
the notice taken of him encourages the
enemy to do worse. The proper
attitude is one of complete indifference.
You should look the other way and
then the enemy sulks and does nothing
more. The arrival of this shell produced
a most dreadful effect ; it killed no one,
but it caused every single soldier in the
battalion to sit down at once and write
to everybody he could think of, simply
in order that be might mention, by the
way, the bursting of a shell in his
midst. This meant that every platoon-
commander had to read and censor
fifty letters before he could sit down
and write his own casual references to
bursting shells. This censoring of
letters is altogether an inhuman and
cruel affair ; the lovesick private pours
out his soul to his lady, concludes with
all the intimate messages and signs
known amongst lovers, and seals the
note with the most personal of nick-
names. What the lady must feel who
reads the missive and finds at the end
of it my own prosaic signature, I dare
not think.
Since I last wrote we have stepped
very many miles over the cobbles and
have laid ourselves down to sleep in
some very odd places. It is surprising
how rapidly one can settle down to
anything, and it is even more surprising
how the men acquire the trick of getting
what they want without learning a
word of the language. They do it by
a nice mixture of kindness and per-
sistence ; they go on naming the article
in their own dialect until the peasant
is fascinated or hypnoti/ed into pro-
ducing it. The most conspicuous
success up to date is the case of our
peculiarly insular sergeant-major, who,
taking up a firm position before a simple
maid-servant, continued tapping his
forehead and smiling fatuously until
the woman eventually led him up the
street and pointed out to him the
nearest way to the lunatic asylum.
This was exactly what be wanted to
know. When the Adjutant attempted
to obtain the same information by mere
conversation, he could get nothing
better than a bucket out of the obse-
quious concierge.
Our entrance into the danger zone
was very striking. We had been
wandering about behind the lines, just
within earshot of the guns, and looking
for trouble, when the luminous idea
occurred to some red-hat that, since we
were dressed and looked like soldiers,
we might as well fight. So we were sent
for. A note came from someone, say-
ing that they were giving a little party
up-country, and they would be very
pleased to see us there next day ; would
we mind walking, if it wasn't too much
trouble ? and also it would save the
horses if we would carry all our luggage
ourselves. Thus, armed with 120
rounds of ball, a tin of corned beef and
an air of sinister importance, we
tramped off in the direction of the
noise.
Had Mr. ARTHUR COLLINS staged our
night arrival on the battle-field in
absolute accordance with the reality, the
stalls would have said to each other, as
they supped afterwards at the Savoy,
" Very impressive, and essentially
dramatic; but too theatrical to be
real." It was exactly as in the picture :
the long column advancing spasmodi-
cally along the straight road, bounded
by rigid trees at regular intervals, and
on the horizon the constant flashes of
battle — the gun, the star-shell and the
search-light. For myself I felt certain
that it was all a show, and to encourage
me in this opinion there were periods
of inactivity followed by bursts of
excessive energy, for all the world as
if the electrician was sleepy and not
attending to his business. War is, in
fact, a disappointing imitation of The
Lane, without the Savoy supper to
follow. I should add that things went
so well in our part of the line that wo
in reserve were not called upon : our
baptism of fire was postponed ; it is, in
fact, taking place now, half the battalion
being in the trenches as I write, and
the other half (including myself) being
for it to-morrow. I '11 tell you all about
it in due course.
As I write I can see out of my
window all over the town (the owner
of the house, by the way, lives in the
cellar) ; my impression is of a vast area
of urban and rural land, entirely at
peace with itself and all the world ;
but there is a corner of it, about 200
yards from my window, which has a
quarrel on with another corner about a
mile away. These two little districts
are making a terrible noise and even
throwing things at each other. Some-
times they get very violent about it,
sometimes they almost let the matter
drop. It is like two large dogs barking
at each other on Sunday, to the great
annoyance of the rest of a respectable
neighbourhood. And when the big
dogs keep on doing it, the little dogs
in the middle wake up and start
snapping at each other, and particu-
larly that quarrelsome breed, the
Maxim. The main thing, however, is
always the air of peacefulness, almost
exaggerated peacefulness.
Yours ever, HENRY.
BOAT-EACE DAY, 1915.
No sweatered men in scanty shorts
This morning brings upon the slip ;
To-day no anxious cox exhorts
Care for that frail and shining ship ;
The grey stream runs ; the March winds
blow ;
These things were long and long ago.
Now at the need of this dear land
All that is theirs is Hers to take :
Unfaltering service — heart and hand
Wont to give all for honour's sake ;
They builded better than they knew
Who "kepi, it long" and "pulled it
through."
Not here their hour of great emprise ;
No mounting cheer toward Mort-
lake roars ;
Lulled to full tide the river lies
Unfretted by the fighting oars ;
The long high toil of strenuous play
Serves England elsewhere well to-day.
A Triumph of Breeding1.
" Mr. William Wallet disposed of about 150
head of Ayrshire and cross-bred calving queys
and cows at Castle-Douglas yesterday. There
was a largo attendance of buyers in quest of
the best class of Ayrshire queys, which, how-
ever, were scarce. Anything showing tea and
milking properties realised the highest prices."
Scotsman.
MAHCII 31, l!m.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CII MMVAIM.
THE WAR SPIRIT AT THE BRITISH MUSEUM.
Ardent Egyptologist (wJio has lately joined the Civic Guard). "No, I SEEM TO HAVE LOST ire ENTHUSIASM FOB THIS GROUP SINCE I
NOTICED THAT BES-HATHOn-HoRUB WAB OUT OP STEP WITH THE OTHER TWO."
THE COLD CUKE.
AFTER a long period of immunity I
have had a cold. To be precise, I still
have it as I write, although it has once
been cured.
The miscreant who cured it was a
chemist in a West-end thoroughfare to
Whom I was so misguided as to confide
my trouble. He had all the appear-
ance of a man and a brother — in fact
he looked benigner than most — and I
trusted him. He listened with the
utmost sympathy, his expression indi-
cated grief and concern, and his voice
took on a tenderness beyond that of a
mother.
" I can set you right very quickly,"
were his brave words. " I have here a
cold-cure that has never been known to
fail. You take one of these little tab-
loids every three hours, and to-morrow
morning you will wake up well. Be
sure not to take more than six in the
day," he added.
He held up the little bottle as though
it were a jewel.
" And how much ? " I asked, feeling
that for such a boon no money was
adequate.
" Two shillings," he replied ; " and
you might perhaps like to take one
now."
I agreed, and with infinite solicitude
he prepared a small glass of aqua pura
and smiled at me like a bearded Ma-
donna.
I went away feeling that complete
recovery was merely a matter of hours,
and for the rest of the day I was punc-
tual with the tabloids. By night I had
taken four.
I awoke the next morning not only
full of cold, as usual, but with a splitting
headache. When it was time to get up
the room began to rush round me.
Returning to bed, I fainted.
With great difficulty I dragged myself
up, but all day my head swam and
throbbed, and periodically I found it
impossible to focus my sight on any-
thing near by. Meanwhile I sneezed
and coughed with more than accus-
tomed vigour.
An instinct warned me not to go on
with the cold-cure, and a medical friend
corroborated my good sense by ex-
plaining later that it evidently contained
some very powerful drugs, of which
quinine was the chief, and I was suffer-
ing from them.
The next day my cold was worse but
my head slightly better.
To-day my head is normal but my
cold is terrific.
And now I want to know where I
should be, in English law, if I were
to stand outside that chemist's shop, as
I long to do, preventing people from
buying his cold-cure. What should I
get, beyond Mr. Justice DARI.ISC.'S
quips, if the chemist ran me in ? Is it
worth trying?
KiMing.
••THE BUKOWTNA.
AUSTRIANK REPORTED TO HAVE LEFT
TBUTH HERE."
Liverpool Echo.
Recent " official " telegrams from
Vienna tend to confirm the report.
258
PUNCH, Oil THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 31, 1915.
AT THE PLAY.
"Rosv Ku'Ti-Ki:"; "Tun Ni:\v WORD.'
NOHODY would think of looking fo;
intelligible motives or sequence o
design in an ordinnry Revue. Bu
when Sir JAMKS BAKKIK writes one
it 's 11 dilTiMvnt thing. He may deviate
into fantastic episodes, hut \vo susj)ect
:ui ordered meaning in his main design
and if we fail to find it we feel that the
fault must lie with ourselves.
This was our trouble from the ver\
start 'of Rosy ]lii]>turc. There was,
in the first scene, a wardrobe, obviously
full of portent, whose secretive pur-
pose gave to the play a note of ob-
scurity from which I never wholly
recovered. Though this was not a
bedroom scene, the wardrobe was hung
with female garments, and , from it
emerged, now and again, a husband in
lieu of the regulation lover. After
suffering a good deal of mental strain
I reached the rather intelligent con-
clusion that we were supposed to be
ridiculing the tendency of the modern
stage to substitute the drama of clothes
for that of intrigue. I recalled that in
Kings and Queens, which was then still
running at the St. James's, much stress
was laid upon the young wife's passion
for Paris'an gowns, while the interest
she took in her lover was merely
casual and abortive.
It is not for me to question the
cleverness of this solution, but it was
wrong. I have since been credibly
'nformed that the author was harking
aack allusively to certain plays of the
past, not of great importance and long
'orgotten, in which a wardrobe was a
prominent feature. But not even his
ngenuous explanations offered at the
close of the first scene lifted for us-
he veil of mystery that shrouded the
motive of this piece of furniture. Nor
was this obscurity relieved by the
ighting of the auditorium, which was
cept in darkness without intermission
during the entire performance. In a
mood of devotion I can persuade my-
self to support this arrangement when
I assist at a WAGNER rite; but the
atmosphere of a Revue is seldom really
religious.
It would have been more satisfactory
f the author, in what was partly a
)urlesque of the legitimate stage, and
partly a sort of Revue of Revues, had
simply given us a succession of in-
consequent scenes, and not attempted
o weave his detached episodes into a
connected scheme. Perhaps the best
of them was a scene between a Flemish
>easant girl (I call her Flemish by way
of compromise, for she spoke French
and looked Dutch) and a Tommy
American in the humorous person of
Mr. NORWORTH), who had rescued lie
from the violent attentions of u Bosch
Excellent fun was made of their limitei
means of communication ; but the chaf
of Lord KITCHENER'S advice to soldiers
about their relations with women was
for those of us who remembered the
whole of it, of rather doubtful pro-
priety. A most delightful feature o
the Sixth Scene (and I am glad to hear
that it is to be extended) was a freak-
film of .an automobile perambulator, the
work of that clever artist Mr. LANCELOT
SPEED, author of the popular " Bully
Boy " series. The scene of the Supper
Club of the Receding Chins (where " one
chin excludes ") was a sound burlesque
upon a certain phase of the modern
Revue. Indeed, this imitation of vulgar
sanality was so close that the Pit
A "FINE CARELESS RAPTURE."
Miss GABY DESLYS AS Rosy Rapture.
nistook it for the real thing and were
oud in their approval.
But the chief attraction of the play,
K)th for a bewildered audience and, I
uspect, for Sir JAMES BARRIE himself,
was the bizarre collaboration between
tfiss GABY DESLYS and the author of
The Little Minister. Her best friends
ould scarcely have been disappointed
E She failed to impart any very
joticeable refinement into the proceed -
ngs, but many must have been surprised
o discover how well and with what
in energy she could act. All the same,
t would surely have been easy to find
an actress who could have spoken the
)art at least as cleverly through the
medium of an all-British accent. But
perhaps it was just part of the scheme
)f burlesque that the two principal
oles in an English Revue should ho
alayed by foreigners. However, the
native element was admirably repre-
ented by Mr. ERIC LEWIS as a butler on
terms of marked intimacy with his em-
ployers ; by Mr. LEON QUARTERMAINE
as a villain with an awkward strain
of hereditary virtue; and by Miss GER-
TRUDE LANO as a singer whose efforts
were always being obliterated by the in-
tervention of a fatuous Beauty Chorus.
Much of what may seem uncompli-
mentary in this first-night criticism
will have lost its point by the time it
appears in print. As is the way with
Revues, there has, I hear, been a
drastic overhauling of the original, and
I anticipate many changes for the better.
But no change could add to the
charm of Sir JAMES BARRIE'S one-Act
play, The New Word, which precedes
his Revue. Here the author is at
his very best (and not too sentimental)
self ; and Mr. O. B. CLARENCE as the
middle-aged father, never on easy terms
with his son, but now recognising a
new relationship created by the War in
which the boy is to play a part, gave a
very fine performance ; and Miss HELEN
HAYE, as the mother, found, for once,
a chance of showing her gentler gifts.
I look forward to a still greater pleasure
when I can read this delightful play in
my private chair, and leave to my im-
agination those pauses and embarrass-
ments which, when they occur on the
stage — and they are of the essence of
this dialogue between father and son —
are apt to find a painful response in
my own sympathetic nerves. O. S.
GLUCKLICHE HAMPSTADT.
NOT mine the fear of Zeppelin,
Nor bombs that drop on dome and
steeple ;
[ sleep as safe as in Pekin,
For I am one of Hampstead's people.
Sfear me reside in house and flat
The flower of all the Teuton nation,
The splendour of whose habitat
Beggars belief and beats Creation.
3o go I unperturbed and free
From menace of the German airman,
7or if he drops his bombs on me
He '11 pepper Heinrich, Hans and
Hermann.
An. Impending Apology ?
Extract from a Lenten Card : —
"The preachers on Sunday mornings will
iave messages ol great help and comfort to
•ou, and at the Evening Services, except next
Sunday when Mr. will preach."
Here down the main street come hundreds
nore of those fresh, keen-faced boys who will
ie with you at the Front soon. ' Left — left —
eft — left — by the right — wheel ! ' Not so bad
.f ter a few weeks' drilling, eh ? "
Motor Cycling.
"Jot so bad, perhaps, for the men, but
wetty bad for their officers.
MAUCH 31, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR TJlti LONDON CIIAIMVAIir.
'27.)
.
Irish Sergeant (lecturing upon tlie rifle). "Now if XE'LL LISTEN AHD KOI uraiEimupT, I'LL TELL YE ALL ABOUT IT— ASD IP ASHY
AY YE DON'T UNDERSHTANU BHTOP ME AT ONST."
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)
IN The Fabulists (MILLS AND BOON) Mr. BERNARD CAPES
puts his practised pen to very much less effective use than
usual. Some freak of mind or circumstance has betrayed
him into a perverse experiment — the experiment of the too-
short story of mystery. Of course in fiction notions of the
very maddest may be made plausible for purposes of
entertainment if there be sufficiently adroit preparation.
An atmosphere must bo created, a mood induced in the
reader. Mr. CAPES leaves these necessary things out and
gives his shock in shorthand. Take " The White Hare."
Modred shoots at a white hare and misses ; simply can't
understand it ; assumes witchcraft ; loads with a silver
bullet; fires and kills; goes home to find his love dead.
Later, his mother-in-law comes to die. " Cut the cursed
thing out of me," says she. "What cursed thing?" says
he. " Why, your silver bullet. "Twas me you hit. I killed
your girl to mislead you." So Modred with a howl of
fury tore it out, and a white hare jumped through the win-
dow. Behold all ! And it 's typical. I have compressed the
narrative slightly. Mr. CAPKS gives it a bare two pages
and a-half, and the tiling simply cannot be done so cheaply.
These aro indeed not short stories so much as skeleton
notes for them. For so clever a writer The Fabulists
seems rather a had breaki
Tlic Elinor Horrors of War (SMITH, ELDER) is an oppor-
tune little volume with very unexpected qualities. To quote
the publishers, " these articles, which have appeared sines
the beginning of the war in The British Medical Journal,
deal with various insect and other pests which cause
disgust, discomfort, and often disease amongst our troops
now fighting in all quarters of the globe." Very well then.
Practical, you might say, and probably well worth the
eighteen-pence of its price as a gift to somebody at the
Front, but hardly a book to be read at home with pleasure
and entertainment. There, however, you would be wrong.
The writer, Dr. A. E. SHIPLEY, F.E.S., has such a way with
him that he can turn even the most unmentionable insects
to favour and to pleasantry. For my own part his un-
expected quips have kept me in chuckles. You recall
Mi: Dombey's pronouncement — quoted here— that " Nature
is on the whole a very respectable institution," which
Dr. SHIPLEY caps with the admission that there are,
however, times when she presents herself in a form not to
be talked about. I can hardly therefore indicate even the
headings of his chapters. But J may, perhaps, take the one
upon (if you will permit me) the flea as typical of the author's
method. It contains a couple of quotations so pleasant
that I cannot forbear to reproduce them. In one the
indifference of the Turks to the attacks of this pest is
explained by analogy from the words of the schoolboy who
wrote : " A man with more than one wife is more willing to
face death than if he only had one." The other is the
plaint of a distinguished French lady: "Quant d mot, ce
n'est j>as la morsure, c'est la promenade 1 " I call that a
very jolly way of discussing fleas.
Nora Bendelow was what one might call a rather unlucky
girl. It is bad enough to come home from school for the
360
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON_CHARIVARI. ^J®™™ .jj' 1915'
.-ambled
a little
as to the exact moaning of the title
st ago
id widower with a view to making her his second wife— is, if
icipal in not strikingly new, at least handled in an ^original manner.
And the central character, Lord Shelford, the widower, is as
Fe ont ho n ™ .-after ,o
o .- Mr H n>
, you bungle
are" then accused of having murdered the
M -Wit,l Tu" Ss wt^hl'liiitXt flpng''^ we'll oteerved as he is objectionable. A most unpleasant
cheerful ... the latl, ttejjjj* WJ J^ ^.^ m ov(jry w&y . &Q much SQ Ulat ifc ;s a llule hald to
uon papers, she had no notion believe that even so porsuas.ble a heroine as Margaret . wpu c
,oct On the solid rock of this really have permitted herself to fall in with his views, especially
VVID WHITEI.AW has built tip The Mystery ' with an obvious hero like Roger before her eyes as a con-
__i_j !-..„„<- Perhaps what snared Margaret's young imagination
~ /««*• fi-iof- .Q7,^///iiW \vnci <r P.n.hinof. Minister and
I can only
by the con-
My"ury~oTE~«id ^Hair's is a four-corpso melodrama, one | versation that went on there lou see, the publishers had
drowning two poisons, and a cliff-fall. The survivors of been at superfluous pains to toll me that the authors
e ma J ere are the hero, the heroine, and the old lawyer. ' position made the political and social atmosphere of the
,„,-„! r™tnr« in ^nter one. where the hero strikes book above suspicion. It says much for the interest of
Lady CHAUNWOOD K tale
Member of Anarchist Society. "GENTLEMEN, I visa TO EESIGS ! "
President. "Bui VY, BBOZZEB? VY VOULD YOU LEAVE us?"
Member. "Acu! DEB iss NO MOBE GI.OBY IN MS BOMB BUSINESS;
ISS BECOMING Vt'LGAB '. EVEBYl'ODY IS DOIN1 IT!"
There Is aTovel feature in chapter one, where the hero strikes
the villain on the chin
instead of between the
eyes ; and later on in
the book an invaluable
hint for married men.
If they have trouble in '
the home, all they have |
to do is to substitute j
arsenic for their help- 1
meet's morphia. If you j
doubt efficacy, try it first j
on yourself.
A Freelance in Kash-
mir (SMITH, ELDEK) is
an Indian historical
romance of the later
days of that time known
as " the great Anarchy."
Its author, Lieut.-Colonel
G. F. MAcMuNN, D.S.O.,
has already shown, in
The Annies of India,
that if anyone knows the
military history of the Eastern Empire he is that man.
Of his qualities as a writer of romance I will not speak,
lest I mislead you ; for though the book is a good piece of
work its interest is the jingle of spur and sabre, hard
riding and fighting in battles long ago. The hero is one
David Fraser, son of an Englishman and an Afghan woman,
one of the gentlemen adventurers who controlled the armies
of the Indian princes during the days before the coming of
the Pax Dritannica. This David had all ki nds of adventures ;
at one time impersonating an absent ruler, after the right
Zenda fashion ; making love to, and naturally winning, a
Princess; and generally thwarting the machinations of
a dusky villain who, in the end, turns out to be none other
than our old friend the Wandering Jew. A volume crowded,
as you see, with incident. Some there will be in whom
the atmosphere of it, the dust and heat and heroism, will
awaken queer memories of the tales they read in childhood
( With Clive in India was what I was recalling throughout).
These will delight in it. Also of course Anglo- Indians, and
all to whom the scenes of the book are already known. But,
frankly, I would c-.ill it perhaps a little arid for the general;
for those who require that Mars shall be properly sub-
ordinate to Venus in their romances. Still one never
knows, in these days especially. I only throw out the
hint as a warning to the light-minded.
! that such a preliminary
i did not goad me into
: wholesale condemnation.
i As a matter of fact, while
the atmosphere is entirc-
! ly undistinguished, the
1 character-drawing seems
I to me to be remarkably
; good. Eventually his
j lordship falls and breaks
i his neck; for which I
1 could not but be sorry,
since he was the most
interesting person in the
; story. If he is a first
; creation the author of
• him will be well advised
' to go on and give
some more.
us
Very different inheri-
tances fell to the heroine
and hero of The Lady
Bertha Crawford was
of the Beef (HUTCHINSON). To
bequeathed the solitary charge of a bibulous father, while
Waller Massaroon found himself possessed of an estate in
County Down, and journeyed from Paris, where he was a
painter, to become a man of property in Ulster. Whether
this sudden change of air and fortune affected Walter's
head, or whether he was always as lacking in determina-
tion as ho is hero represented, is not mine to say, because
1 had no opportunity of making his acquaintance before
the gods and a second cousin once removed had poured
wealth into his lap. My feeling, however, is that he \\as
born with at least one weak knee, and I feel aggrieved that
he married Bertha, when the just reward for his misman-
agement of his love-campaign should have been the
heaviest of iron crosses. On the other hand, Bertha, in
spite of Mr. FBANKFOKT MOOBE'S efforts to make her a
super-angel, retains my most sympathetic admiration.
Mr. MOOBE seems to find it as easy to write novels as I
do to read them, but I am beginning to wonder whether
this facility of his is not becoming dangerous. At any
rate I think that he is showing symptoms of trying to
promote rather cheap laughter, and it will bo a thousand
pities if so pleasant a writer allows his sense of humour
to fall away from the high standard which hitherto it has
so consistently maintained.
AI-UII, 7, 1915.]
PUNCH, OK TIIK LONDON CHARIVARI.
261
CHARIVARIA.
TIIK KAISKK has been presented with
another grandson. Jt, has not vet been
broken to the poor little fellow who
he is. ... #
What, wo are asked again, has become
of the German CBOWM I'HI.NCK'.' Accord
ing to our information the KAISKU con-
signed him some time since to a place
the, name of which has hei-n censored.
* *
:
_ The, Ausf ro-IIungariiin army authori-
ties have condemned 75,000 pairs of
boots destined for the troops, the soles
being found to consist of paper.
Austria, like its distinguished ally,
will have nothing to do with scraps
of this material.
* *
"The Germans,"
writes a correspondent
from the French front,
"have done much in
Champagne which they
will regret in their sober
moments." We be-
lieve it. * o.
*'
A shocking case of
ingratitude has come to
our notice. Mr. Irvin
S. Cobb, the American
journalist, after being
an official guost of the
German Army at the
Front, has issued an
account of his experi-
ences under the title
The lied Glutton.
The Berliner Tage-
blatt states that four
English trainers have been released
from the concentration camp at Ruble-
ben. This is supposed to mark the
Germans' appreciation of our decision
not to abandon horseracing.
A number of German prisoners of
war are, it is announced, to be interned
in the Crystal Palace. Our ambition,
we understand, is ultimately to find
| palaces for all of them.
* •-'.:
"THK CARPATHIANS FIGHTING,"
announces a contemporary. We have
_ According (o Le Mttfiii, n German
Ktiiff Oflicer recently confessed, " We
liave lost the mbber." And he might
have added, " We also have a diHieulty
in getting the copper."
* *
..
"UK U>M\STI:K m I/I..N \\i>
QIBBAI/TAB."
Daily Mail.
We think this headline is Marcel] fail
to Dr. LYTTKLTON. He particularly
does not wish any Knglisliman to be
master of Gibraltar.
*r *
Ready shortly, by Dr. LVJTKLTON, a
broehwn entitled "'On the importance
of saying what you mean, and meaning
what you say."
What the "Star" Saw.
" BillUlttHMCMB Witb the resumption of the
Allies' ut|:i,.k en Hi,. Dardanelles over the
CallijK.Ii I'eninMiia. and fnnii the. nirMitli i.f
tin- Straits, (lie Russian Haltic Fieri \,
fully bombaidtd the nntMn
MttenM of the liospiiorns."— &'/,
Oat (•veiling contemporary is the only
jonnii-.l to record this remarkable long-
range performance accomplished, we
presume, with " star-shell."
Lady (wlio IMS spent some time in tlie sliop). " WHERE 's MY CHAUFFEUB? '
Commissionaire. " JCBT THIS MOMENT JOINED, MADAM."
heard of mountains " skipping
rams." Now, apparently, they
butting one another.
like
are
"RHINO FIGHTS 'FOR GERMANY."
Jinili/ A'.iyirrss. '
\\ o must keep a Watch on the Rhino.
Gorman aviators have been dropping
more bombs in the sea. They seem to
ba getting a little careless.
Meanwhile we are informed that the
outbreak of German measles at Eton
has nothing whatever to do with the
Headmaster's famous utterance.
'.'.' :'.:
In London, we learn from The Daily
Mail, classes are being organised to
teach women " how to do the grocery
trade." This looks like retaliation.
-r
"Mr. Stephen Scrope," says The
Liverpool Daily Post, " has deposited
an additional £500 for the first vessel
to sink an enemy submarine with ' The
Yorkshire Post.' " We should have
thought that one of our quarterly-
Reviews would have been better
adapted for the purpose, and we shall
be surprised if The Yorkshire Post does
not resent this insinuation of heaviness.
" The Red Cross Ladies, by working in
shifts, are able to keep the buffet open from
6 a.m. until midnight."— The Times.
Surely an inadequate costume.
Burning Question*.
"Fellow-Traveller Wanted, who was in 3rd
class smoking compartment 9 p.m., Kin-1-
Cross to HiU-hin, Thursday, Jan. 14, 1915.
Identification circumstance, who saw gentle-
man alight at Stevenjige, and whose lighted
match was blown on advertiser's overcoat;
Ap prat." M,,ntni.i 1: ,'.
As far as we can gather
from this adve^ise-
ment, which is not so
illuminating as the
subject demands, the
incident affected three
fellow-travellers, of
whom two were ignited,
and only one, the adver-
tiser, is known to have
been put out. The fate
of the other who was
last seen "alight at
Stevenage " can only
be conjectured.
"There is no ' h ' in the
Russian alphabet. There-
fore the Russians spell
Hartlopool ' Gartlopool ' and
call Field-Marshal Hinden-
burg 'Gindenburg' . . .
and why we continue to
miscall a town which is
both written in Russian
and pronounced Harkoff
Kharkov ' is more than one
can tell."— Sunday Times.
At last we thought we had got the key-
to Russian phonetics, but this last
sentence snatches it all away again.
Several correspondents have written
to tell us of the shocks they received
recently on seeing this startling news-
paper bill :—
"RUSSIANS
MARCHING
ON
PALL MALL."
Some of them feared that our Allies had
suddenly turned round and become our
invaders, while others found in the
announcement a comforting confirma-
iion of the hopes they have secretly
cherished ever since the great Russian
rumour first got afloat.
Drogheda has sent many soldiers to the
»attlcfield, but the marital spirit is not yet
exhausted.'"— Drogheda Advertiser.
Three cheers for the brave wives of
Drogheda !
VOL. CXLTIIl.
202
PUNCH, OR THE
[APRIL 7, 1915.
BLOOD-GUILT.
rTo tho employers of the. men who Bank the liner Falaba and
aughcd at tho cries and struggles oi drowning men and women.]
NOT yet your talo of hideous deeds is told ;
Against tho hour of reckoning still they mount,
When lie, tho Judge, Uis Great Assize shall hold, |
And call you to account.
On these that mocked tho drowning lips' appeal,
Slaves of their masters' bidding, hand and eye,
Swift fall tho stroke of vengeance, strong to deal
Tho rats' death they shall die 1
But you, who sent them out to do this shame,
From whom they take their orders and their pay,
For you — avenging wrath defers its claim,
And justice bides her day.
What talk is this of "honourable peace"
While in your persons no amends be made?
There is no way by which this War shall cease
Till that account be paid.
Then, in that day of doom, put not your trust
In human pity to excuse your debt ;
High Heaven, that saw you pitiless, is just;
And God will not forget. 0. S.
IN THE MATTER OF A COMMISSION.
I 'VB had to get rid of my Commissionaire because he was
an ex-Sergeant- Major. I found myself standing to atten-
tion and waiting for permission to fall out after requesting
him to post a letter. I felt impelled to salute my articled
clerk and my youthful nephews when I met them in tho
street. The climax was reached when I was actually
slanged in a recruit squad by my dismissed oilice-boy, who
is home from the Front on sick leave. The only remedy
that appeared feasible was to secure a commission myself.
I broached the subject to a Territorial Colonel who was
at that time a friend of mine. He said he wasn't forming
a cricket team, but that if he had been in want of a slow
bowler he would have been delighted to recommend me. .
The next man I tried was also a Territorial Colonel. He
had known my mother, but had no knowledge of me per-
sonally, so there was no excuse for his behaviour.
" I think you knew my mother," I said.
He was a man of caution and wanted to hear her name
before committing himself. Judging that prevarication
was useless and liable to lead to suspicion I disclosed it.
" I knew her well," he admitted, and held out his hand.
" What can I do for you ? " he asked.
" I am my mother's son."
" I guessed it."
" I have been given to understand that there is a war on
and that this country is involved."
" I have heard the rumour."
" No doubt. These things do get about. Even the Press
has got hold of it. I shouldn't be surprised if there are
questions in the House on the subject."
"I think that wo may assume that this rumour is not
without foundation. What then ? "
" It seemed to me to bo the kind of thing one ought to
bo in, and that as you are, in a sort of way, a friend o
the family, I couldn't do better than have you as a
Commanding Oflicer."
"You will find the Recruiting Sergeant on the next floor —
second door on the left. To avoid mistake my orderly wil
show you the way." He rose, and out of compliment to
my prospective C.O. I rose too.
" Then 1 may take it that I shall bo gazetted in due
coursa. 1 hopo that it won't be too soon as I have one or
two things I should like to arrange."
" Oh, you want a commission ? " We sat down again.
"That was my idea. I hadn't thought of serving in the
ranks as my friends tell me that I should be wasted there,
and seeing that you knew my mother the position might
jo a little embarrassing Cor both of us. I thought of taking
, position as a Quartermaster."
" Any experience ? "
"Not very much to speak of."
" How much ? "
" I once spent a week with an Army crammer.but we didn't
et on well together. He didn't understand my French."
" A Quartermaster's duties are rather technical."
" I have some legal experience. I am rather good at
filling up forms. 1 have a light style which goes down
n-etty well. I should like you to seo some of my corre-
spondence with the Inland Revenue people — I fancy you 'd
iko it. I think that I shall get tho better of them if I
jan keep the matter going for another couple of years.
Of course it's eaily days yet— the matter has only been
under discussion for four years— but they 've already shown
distinct signs of weakening. So in case of any little
u-^ument with the County Authorities or the War
Office—
Any other qualification ? "
I'm pretty good at games. I write a bit — hardly
enough to be a vice. 1 've appeared on the boards as an
amateur and have escaped matrimony."
I 'm afraid I haven't a vacancy for a Quartermaster at
;he moment."
" If you 're already suited I don't want to press the
Quartermaster job. In a crisis like the present one ought
not to be too particular. I should even he prepared to take
an ordinary commission, though I can't say that I care
much for walking."
" Any military experience? "
" Well, I once wore a sword at a fancy-dress ball. After
I put it in the cloak-room at the urgent request of the
stewards it only ruined one silk hat, and that was the
fault of the attendant, who didn't understand swords. Of
course I 've played soldier parts. One of my most success-
ful roles was a peppery colonel."
" How old are you ? " I was afraid that he would ask my
age, as it 's my one weak spot from a military point of view.
"Does one have to justify any statement as to age?"
I asked.
" A birth certificate must be produced."
"That's awkward. The only one I've got gives the
impression that I -was born in 1875. I 've always had
my doubts as to its accuracy, as I can't say that I recall the
event. They do make mistakes at Somerset House. 1 might
get them to alter it, but they 're rather fussy and dilatory,
and one can't expect the War to last for ever. I must look
into the matter and see if I am justified in amending it
myself. Suppose we say born in 1385 ; that only means
altering one figure."
" I 'm sorry I haven't a vacancy. I 've applied for more
officers already than I 'm strictly entitled to have."
"Then one or two more or less won't matter. I pre-
sume the War Office don't trouble to count up the number
of officers in all the Territorial regiments. When an inspec-
tion is threatened you might give a few of us leave, so as
not to overcrowd the parade. 1 shouldn't be upset at being
left out of it. When shall I join? "
" After the War, when wo shan't be so busy."
He looked at his watch and manoeuvred me through
the door into the passage, where 1 tripped over a sentry.
PUNCH. OB THE LONDON CHARIVARI.- APRIL 7, 1915.
A GKEAT NAVAL TKIUMPH.
T °FFICEB- "THIS OUGHT TO MAKE THEM JEALOUS IN THE SISTEB
BELGIUM SAW NOTHING BETTER THAN THIS."
APRIL 7, 191"}.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
960
Charles. " MUMMY, I LOVE vou MORE THAN Lois DOES. I LOVE YOU 100 AND 1,000 AJJD 100,000."
Lois. "I LOVE HEB BILLIONS — I LOVE HER THE WHOLE WORLD."
Charles (in a disgusted tone). "I DON'T LOVE HEB THE WHOLE WOULD. I DON'T LOVE HEB THE GERMANY PART."
AT THE FRONT.
(In continuation of " At the Back of
tlie Front.")
WEEKS and weeks ago a German
battery got the range of a slab of
railway from which our armoured train
had bjen grieving them; and but for
the fact that the train had moved off
about half-an-hour earlier it might
quite easily have baen hit. The Ger-
man battery was so pleased at this
victory that they now make a bobby of
this bit of the line, dusting it up daily
from ;j to 7.30 P.M. ; and I should think
it would be very dangerous for anyone
who was actually present at that hour.
But, as nobody ever is, our casualties
at this point are negligible. In the
meantime the noise is horrid ; and our
billet has already thought out several
polite notes to the battery commander,
pointing out that we like to make up
lost sloop between tea and dinner. Tho
only difficulty is in tlie matter of
delivery.
There was a time when the trenches
were as restful as billets ; sucli halcyon
days are gone. An offensive attitude
is demanded. We must, it is felt,
prove to the Bosch our activity, our
confidence in ourselves, our contempt
of him, and, in short, our hochste
Gefechtbereitschaft (all rights still re-
served). To achieve this without
actually attacking takes a bit of doing.
A specimen of demonstrative operations
ordered during twenty-four hours may,
without giving too much away, be
briefly sketched : — •
4 A.M. Alternate platoons will sing
God save the King, Tipperary and The
Rosary until 4.15, and alternate sections
will fire one round rapid. Should the
Bosch disregard this
6 A.M. Swedish drill will take place
on the parapet. This having failed to
draw fire or other sign of hostile atten-
tion
10 A.M. Tho regimental mouth-
organist section will play the Wacht
am Rhein flatly, timelessly, tunelessly,
but still recognizably. When botli
sides have recovered
5 P.M. Two companies will fire
salutes at the setting sun, while the
remaining two will play association
football in front of the barbed wire.
By some such policy of frightfutness
we daunt the Bosch from day to day,
and we have small doubt that on that
afternoon when we go " over the top "
to take tea with him he will meet us
halfway with raised arms and a happy
smile of relief at the ending of his
suspense.
Varioe Lectiones.
Underneath a picture representing a
soldier jumping from the ground on to
a trotting horse : —
" A well-known French jockey, now galloper
to a French General, setting off in haste with
an important message." — Daily Mail.
" Convalescsnt British and French soldiers
amused at the antics of Daix, the well-known
French jockey, who entertained them with an
exhibition of trick-riding." — Daily Graphic.
' ' The man who stole the tyres of Mr. Bggar'g
brougham at the Pegu Club (or anybody else)
can have the whole Turn-out (brougham,
horse, harness, coachman and syce) for Kg. 750,
because the owner is fed up about it."
Rangoon Times.
An old brougham and a clean sweep.
266
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
7, 1915.
A TERRITORIAL IN INDIA.
VI.
MY DEAR MR. PUNCH, — At last I am
back again in the regiment, and the
office, now a thousand miles- away, is a
dwindling memory. The thing was
done in typical Army fashion. One
day hut week the four of us who had
been left behind at Divisional Head-
quarters put our heads together and
decided that as there was every prospect
of our remaining where we were for a
long time wo might reasonably expend a
portion of our scanty pay in the purchase
of a few minor aids to civilised life,
such as plates and cups. Before
we could set out for the bazaar,
however, there came a precise
official intimation that, as it had
been found impossible to relieve
us, we must be prepared to
continue to serve in the office
indefinitely.
That altered matters. A few
months ago we might have been
deceived, out we know the Army
now. We abandoned our shop-
ping expedition, gathered to-
gether our scattered belongings
and prepared to depart. Sure
enough there came next day
imperative orders for us to
rejoin the battalion at once.
As you have often pointed
out, human nature is a perverse
thing. For over three months
we had been longing and agitat-
ing to be returned to our reg-
iment, as soon as the instruc-
tions came we regretted leaving
the office. We began to lament
our cosy little tent, our com-
parative liberty, the civilian
friends we had recently made,
and we looked forward darkly
to an era of irritating bugle
calls, stew and kit inspections. We
remembered, too, how far behind our
comrades in military efficiency we were
bound to find ourselves — and there is
no mercy in the Army.
But our last hours were cheered by
a letter from Mahadoo, formerly our
"boy." I t:an;cribe it for you liter-
ally:—
EESPECTED SIR,— I beg to ask that
your my Masters Please honour will
you kindly Sir I work with your before
Alik come about five days go that
please Sir did not Paid me that money
yet I did not ask that to you
Because Alik did not me my pay I hire
for I am sorry thank verry much to
you please excuse me the all turbully
I am your Poor Obedent Servant
MAHADOO Butler.
I need not burden you with details
of Mahadoo's claim,, but you will
rejoice to know that we were enabled
to leave him satisfied and beaming.
And wo assured him it was no " tur-
bully."
This, by the way, was our first
intimation that we had all this time
been employing a butler. The know-
ledge was rather staggering at first,
but now we are beginning to realise its
possibilities in future years. " Ah,
yes," one will be able to say, " when
I was staying in India, you know, my
butler came to me one morning . . ."
But we shall, of course, studiously
refrain from mentioning that the butler
used to clean the boots, make the beds,
GERMAN COMPOSES SEEKING HTSPIBATION FOB MELODY TO
"SoNQ OP HATE."
wash the clothes and perform other
inferior domestic duties.
Forty of us, who had been collected
from various points, made the journey
up together Being merely British
soldiers, we were given the worst
available accommodation (that of
course is our opinion ; soldiers are
built like that), with the result that
five of us found ourselves in a grimy
and malodorous compartment, mea-
suring exactly seven feet by four, and
austerely furnished with two extremely
hard wooden benches a foot wide and
three hat-pegs.
But it was quite good fun. By
day there were innumerable fresh and
exciting tilings to see, while by night
the problem of sleeping kept us in
paroxysms of laughter for hours. It is
not easy, you know, to arrange twenty-
nine feet of humanity on fourteen feet
of bench. We contrived to relieve
the congestion to some extent by
improvising a hammock from a blanket
and some pieces of string. It was
a fine test of soldierly intrepidity to
sleep in that hammock. I occupied
it for one night, and I can tell you
I envied those lucky fellows safe iu
their trenches at the Front.
We spent three days and nights in
the train, and at the end left our little
wooden hut with regret.
So here I am, back in the dear old
Army again, welcomed with the same
old Army greeting : " Hullo ! You
back ? Got a cigarette ? " Nothing is
changed. On the day we arrived
we were marched down to the
Quartermaster's Stores to draw
our bedding. The Corporal in
charge of the party halted us,
told us to wait a minute and
went inside. Half-an-hour later
he emerged with another Cor-
poral, and both of them, after
telling us to wait a minute, dis-
appeared round the corner. An
hour passed. Then the Quarter-
master-Sergeant appeared and
demanded to know what we
were waiting for. We explained
wearily. " Wait a minute," he
said, and went back inside. An
hour later he returned, looked
us up and down and asked what
the devil we wanted. Again we
explained, and again he enjoined
us to wait a minute, and dis-
appeared. We cooled our heels
for another hour and then
sprang to attention as the
Quartermaster himself came on
the scene. " What do you men
want?" he demanded testily.
" Come -to draw our bedding,
Sir," we cried in chorus. " Oh,
it's no good your coming to-
day," he exclaimed. " Come back
to-morrow."
Dear old Army !
But perhaps there are indications of
a kindlier feeling among the N.C.O.'s.
I have as yet no kitrbox, and a kit- box
is essential to a man's peace of mind in
barracks. In a moment of forgetful-
ness I mentioned the fact to a Sergeant
and asked if I might have one. As
soon as I had done it I realised my
mistake ; but to my surprise, instead of
paralysing me with a stony glare, he
looked quite sympathetic. " 1 know
it 's awkward without one," he said, and
passed on. Even then he seemed to
feel he had not done all he might, for,
turning round, he added with an air of
kindly consolation, " Still, you 've got
your padlock and key, haven't you? "
Yours ever,
ONE OF THE PUNCH BRIGADE.
Amir, 7, 1915.]
PUNCH, Oil TIIF, LONDON CHARIVARI.
267
MY DINNER DEESS.
" BEKTHE " sent my dress by parcel post ;
I 've tried it on, and, gracious I
Poor little me is almost lost
In latitude so spacious.
It 's seven yards about tbo bom,
A couple round tbe centre,
"Berlbo" says that's how they're
wearing them —
No skimping would content her.
The cult of shape is obsolete ;
The mermaid sheath that showed a
Symmetric line from nape to feet
Is tout d fait demode.
And she who used to cultivate
The art of keeping slender
May now put on a little weight,
Such scope the fashions lend her.
In short, no longer need we pine
And struggle to grow thinner,
Because when we go out to dine
There '11 be more room for dinner.
NEW PAPEES.
[Ono noteworthy feature of War-time has
been the production of a number of fresh
journals. But it must not be supposed that
they have all been issued on our sido, and a
glance at the announcements here following
will prove that tho same spirit of enterprise
animates both enemy and neutral countries.]
LAND AND UNDER WATER.
Published by
HOHENZOLLEBN AND TlUPITZ.
All readers are invited to enrol as
members of our Hate Club, in con-
nection with which there is this week
announced
A SIMPLE COMPETITION
in which valuable prizes are offered
for the best new terms of abuse for
application to England.
THE AUSTRIAN ECHO.
Edited bv FRANCIS-JOSEPH HAPSBURG.
BERLIN PRIVATE WIRE.
Special Notice. — The Proprietors of
the above Journal beg to intimate that
their Przemysl Branch Office has been
closed until further notice.
THE CRESCENT MOON.
A Monthly Eevue, edited by
ENVEB BEY.
Tho Magazine of the Constantinople
Smart Set.
" In and Out of Town " is a regular
feature, read by all wishing to know
the movements of Stamboul Society.
Special Notice. — The Advertisement
Manager would respectfully point out
to House- Agents having desirable
Mistress. "AFRAID OF THE ZEPPELINS? DOK'T BE STUPID, MABT.
GOING OUT AFTER THEM."
Tim MASTKB'B
seraglios to let in Asia Minor that a
Unique Opportunity offers.
ROME CHAT.
THE ONLY PAPEB READ THROUGHOUT
EUROPE.
Published weekly in Neutral - tinted
Wrapper at No. 1 Via Media, Rome.
THE TRANSATLANTIC
SPECTATOR.
A PRO-BRITISH-GERMAN-AMERICAN
EEVIEW.
Edited by Professor WOODROW WIL-
SON and published weekly at The White
House (semi-detached), Washington.
"The authorities in Rochdale have up to
the present declined to restrict the hours dur-
ing which licensed houses arc open, though on
several occasions they have been urged to Uke
this step by temperature organisations and
other people, but the matter has now boon
taken out of their hands." — Rochdale Time*.
The temperature organizations will
now perhaps turn their attention to
the weather, which always wants some-
body to look after it
" London, March 4. — Discussing tho fall in
London of flour prices, Mark Lane, the noted
merchant, said yesterday : — ' Every shot fired
in the Dardanelles is a shot fired into the
Chicago wheat pit." "
Lot Angeles Daily Times.
This may be Mark's opinion, but we
should like to hear what his equally
noted brother, Mincing, has to say
about it.
368
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
7, 1915.
U29.
By K 9.
I AM one of the unhappieet o
creatures, because I have been mis
understood. Nothing is worse than t<
mean well, and do all you can, and b<
misunderstood beyond any possibility
(jf explanation. That is my traged;
just now, and it all comes of having
four legs and no articulation when th
people who control things have onl;
two and can express themselves.
Sirius, how I ache ! But let me tell you
I am a performing dog — nothing,
more and nothing less. I belong to a
man named — but perhaps I had better
not give his name, as he might be
still more cross with me, especially
as ho does not come too well out o
this story. And when I say I belong
to him I mean that I am one — the
principal one — of his troupe; but o:
course I could leave at any moment ii
I wanted to, and it is extremely likely
that I shall. I have merely to run oti
the stage, out of the door, and he woulc
be done. I have not done so yet
because hitherto he has treated me
quite decently, and I enjoy my per-
formance. I like to see all the happy
people in front, and watch their amazed
faces as I go through my wonderful
tricks. " Isn't it extraordinary ? " they
say to each other. "Almost human.
Fancy a dog doing that ! " It amuses
me to hear things like that. We never
say, we dogs, that clever human beings
are almost canine. We know that to
be absurd ; they would never be within
miles of being canine.
Anyway that is what I am — a very
brilliant performing dog, with a number
of quite remarkable tricks and the
capacity to perform as many again if
only my master would think it worth
while to add to his list. But so long
as there are so many music-halls where
his present performance is always a
novelty— and there are so many that he
could be in a different one every week
for the next ten years if he liked — why
should he worry himself to do anything
fresh ? That is the argument he uses,
not being a real artist and enthusiast,
is I am, and as is one of my friends in
the troupe too. She, however, does
not come into this story.
I don't know whether you know
anything about music-halls, but it is
my privilege to be in one and perhaps
two every day, entertaining tired people,
and the custom now is, if any striking
news of the War arrives during the
evening, for one of the performers to
announce it. Naturally, for human
beings like being prominent and popu-
lar as much as dogs do, a performer' ta
very glad when it falls to him to make
the announcement. Applause is verj
sweet to the ear, even if it is provokec
merely by stating the heroism of others
and it is not difficult for anyone accus
tomed to hear it to associate himsel
with the action that has called it forth
I feel that I am very rambling in my
remarks, but their point must be clearly
made, and that is that the privilege o
telling the audience about a great deec
just now is highly prized, and a per-
former who is foolish enough to miss
the chance is stupid indeed.
I must now tell you that my mastei
is not the most sensible of men. Il
was clever of him to become possessec
of so able an animal as myself and to
treat me so sensibly as to induce me to
stay with him and work for him ; bui
his cleverness stops there. In private
life he is really very silly, spending
all his time in talking and drinking
with other professionals (as they call
themselves), and boasting of the succesi
he has had at Wigan and Plymouth
and Perth and places like that, instead
of learning new jokes and allowing me
to do new tricks, as I should love to, for
I am tired of my present repertory and
only too conscious of my great powers.
It was on March 25th and we were
performing at a popular London hall ;
ind just as we were going on someone
brought the news of the sinking of
the U 29. I heard it distinctly, but
my master was so muzzy and pre-
occupied that, though he pulled himself
iogether sufficiently to say " Good busi-
ness ! " in reply, he did nothing else.
Ee failed to realise what a chance it
was for him to make a hit for himself.
Look at the situation. On the one
land the audience longing to be cheered
up by such a piece of news, and on
,he other a stupid performer too fresh
"rom a neighbouring bar to be able to
mpart it or appreciate his luck in
laving the opportunity of imparting it
and bringing down the house. And
not only that. On the other hand there
was a keen patriotic British dog long-
ng to tell the news, but unable to
nake all these blockheads understand,
>ecause with all their boasted human
snowledge and brains they haven't yet
earned to know what dogs are talking
bout. Would you believe it, my
master began his ancient patter just
is if nothing had happened ? I tweaked
iis leg, but all in vain. I snapped at
lim, 1 snarled at him, to bring him to
lis senses ; but all in vain.
Then I took the thing into my own
>aws. I ceased to pay him any atten-
ion. All I did was to stand at the
ootlights facing the house and shout
ut to the audience again and again,
The U 29 has been sunk with all
ands ! " •• Come here, you devil,"
said my master under his breath, " and
behave, or I '11 give you the biggest
thrashing you ever had." But I didn't
care. I remained by the footlights,
screaming out, "The U 29 has been
sunk with all hands ! " " Mercy, how
the dog barks ! " a lady in a box ex-
claimed. Bark ! I wasn't barking. I
was disseminating the glad tidings.
" Silence, you brute ! " my master
cried, and brought down his little whip
on my back. But I still kept on.
" They must know it, they must be
told ! " I said to myself, and on I went
with the news until at last the stage-
manager rang down the curtain and
our turn was called off. But a second
later he was on the stage himself,
apologising for my conduct and telling
the audience about the U 29, and in
their excitement they forgot all about
their disappointment at not seeing me
perform. Their applause was terrific.
"See what you missed by your folly,"
I said to my master. But he paid no
attention, he merely set about giving
me the thrashing of my life.
Sirius, how I ache !
COLOUE-CUEE.
[ " Colour has a wonderfully beneficial effect
on criminals and lunatics. But of course tl> i
colours must be blended with scientific exact-
ness till they harmonise absolutely with tho
temperament of the patient. Some colours,
used alone, arc absolutely poisonous."
Interview in "Daily News."]
BEFOEE you try the colour-cure
Upon the criminal, make sure
How much, and what he can endure.
A thief whose heart was black-and-tan
Might well resent a purple plan
For making him another man.
The neutral greys, however mellow,
Might spoil the peace of some poor
fellow
Whose aura always had been yellow.
Your subtlest harmonies in black
Might spur into renewed attack
homicidal maniac.
\nd who shall say what might bo said
3y one accustomed to see red
When faced with grassy greens instead ?
4nd friends would make a fine to-do
iVho came their prodigal to view
\nd found him dead of Prussian-blue.
From a Scilly Islander.
Extract from a letter to The Jlo/jal
Cornish Gazette : —
" The Hun pirates have begun their deadly
work. Cannot our English men-of-war be on
he look-out for them ? ' '
We have much pleasure in bringing
his valuable suggestion to the attention
if Mr. CHUBCHILL and Lord FISHKH.
Armr, 7, 1915.|
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
239
THE REWARD OF KULTUR.
:
270
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 7, 1915.
She. "LOOK HEBE, GEORGE, I'M como 'OME IF you 'BE 001*0 TO TALK ABOUT THB WAB ALL THB TME I IF YOB FEEL so
PENT-CP, WHY DON'T YOU GO AN' 'AVB A BH? AT THE COKER-NUTS 1 "
MANY A SLIP.
I THINK 1 have mentioned Jessie as
a champion cup-crasher before. There
are people who can drop cups and
glasses without breaking them. Jessie
can break them without dropping them.
It is a gift, and she has it. She has other
gifts, including that of kindness to
Peter, and these have prevented our
side-tracking her so far.
Alison has tried to cure her by threats
of dismissal, but threats only encourage
Jessie to higher flights of smashing.
She knows by now the low breaking
strain of vegetable dishes to an ounce,
yet in her daily intercourse witli these
utensils she cheerfully subjects them to
such stress as would shatter a brick.
With cups and saucers I think she must
practise secret jugglery in the pantry.
Every month-end, or nearly so, after
Alison has paid her wages, she says,
" Jessie really will have to go ; two
more plates broken and another badly
cracked ; " or " The handle has been
knocked off the Lowestoft jug ; Jessie
says she was dusting it, and it simply
dropped off;" or "Poor Aunt Emily's
present [a Dresden group] has lost an
arm."
Last Saturday night I felt that the
climax had been more than reached.
Peter found the base of our only
Venetian glass vase, the pride of the
combined family heart, under the
drawing-room sofa. The rest of it had
disappeared into the dust-bin.
I traced in the air the letters J.M.G.
Alison asked what I meant.
' Jessie Must Go," I said impressively,
" before she makes another raid on our
unfortified crockery."
" I suppose so," said Alison wearily.
But really I don't know where J
shall find another maid like her."
" I don't want you to find another
like her," I said. " I want you to find
someone as unlike her as possible.
She 's an image-breaker, an iconoclast.
I begin to suspect her of being of Ger-
man extraction. Give the girl an Iron
Gross and let her go."
" You forget," said Alison, " that she
is simply invaluable with Peter."
" True," I said, "she is kind to children.
Well, she shall have one more chance."
:(: >^ :|: % %
Sunday passed off quietly. Jessie
spent her spare time knitting socks for
soldiers. My witticism about her
j breaking the Sabbath was not so well
| received as I thought it deserved.
On Monday evening when I arrived
home, Alison looked so down in the
mouth that I felt sure there had been
another breakage, a bad one, and I wai
right.
" Let her have her passports at
once," I said, "for goodness' sake.
3he 's breaking up the happy home on
;he instalment plan."
" No," said Alison firmly, " I can't
give her notice this time."
" Then come and watch me do it,"
said. " What 's she broken ? "
" It 's rather a nasty breakage, too,"
said Alison.
" Come," I said, " out with it. Not
any of the Chinese dessert service on
;he dresser; not the —
"No," said Alison, "she was saving
Peter from falling downstairs and —
" Well," I said.
" She slipped," said Alison, " and
broke her collar-bone."
* * * * *
And now Jessie is a heroine, and
when she returns from hospital wit!
the medal for personal bravery she will
be firmly established for ever in our
household, with licence to break what-
ever she chooses.
" The use of steel for the making of guns
was begun by Alfred Krupp, the master ol
Essen, probably the ablest metallurgist that
the world has ever seen. He died long ago
and Sheffield knows many of the secrets that
died with him." — Glastjmu Evening Times.
These dead secrets always somehow
get about.
PUNCH, Oit THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— APRIL 7. 1915.
Arm!, 7,
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
273
ON THE SPY-TRAIL.
in.
TIIK man wlio transferred the " pri/o
bloodhound" to Jimmy met him one
day. " Hello, sonny," said ho, "what
luck did you have with the ' what-is-
it ' ? "
Jimmy showed him Faithful, who
was lying curled up on the ground.
"You don't mean to say so!" ex-
claimed the man. "A Persian, too!" He
then said, " Poor puss" — just like that,
you know — and put his hand down to
stroke Jimmy's hloodhound. Old Faith-
ful uncoiled slowly, saw the man's hand,
sniffed at it, didn't liko it and so just
bit it to make it go away. Jimmy says
the man looked touched and a cloud
settled on his face; then he shot out
his foot towards Faithful. Ho was try-
ing to show Faithful how to do the
goose-step, Jimmy says.
The man recommended some dif-
ferent kinds of food for Jimmy's
bloodhound ; you got them at the
chemist's and had to sign a paper for
them. He said that if Jimmy showed
Faithful to the chemist it would be all
right, he would quite understand.
Since then Jimmy has paintod a sign
which tells you to beware of the dog.
The milkman told Jimmy he ought to
have another sign with "The Dog"
painted on it, and fix it round Faithful's
neck, so that there would be no
mistake.
One day, when Jimmy was going
to unchain his bloodhound and again
hurl him upon the spy trail, an incident
happened that would have quite un-
settled for serious work any but
a really well-trained sleuthhound. A
fierce chicken which belonged to the
man next door had broken loose and,
dashing through the hedge, had come
right up to where Faithful was chained.
Faithful was just finishing his break-
fast, and the chicken tried to wrest
from him a cold potato ho was about
to tear to pieces.
Jimmy says the chicken growled at
Old Lady (to parson—a perfect stranger— who )tas joined the New Army). " WEIX, MI-
LAD, ISN'T THIS BETTEB THAN IIASUINO ABOUT STREET CORKERS AND BPENDINa TOUR
TIME IN PUBLJC-HODSKS ? "
Faithful and began opening and shut- for there was the chicken swallowing themselves. They used a good deal of
ting tho feathers on its neck at him Great lumns of the notnt.on.nH «tr«f-.nhino ifc Ti™ co,,o TI,Q
liko an umbrella. Jimmy says you
shouldn't do that to bloodhounds ; it "s
dangerous. It made Jimmy's blood-
hound pounce like anything, and every
timo ho pounced the chicken jumped
up in the air and waggled its feet right
at him. Onco fho chicken crowed
straight in Faithlul's face. It
was
awful, Jimmy says. Faithful without
any hesitation gathered himself together
and rushed behind his kennel to get a
good run at him, when tho chicken
seized tho potato with all its might.
Faithful kept leaping and straining
at the chain liko anything, Jimmy says,
great lumps of the potato and stretching it, Jimmy says. The chicken kept
its neck to ease them down. It kept! jumping in the air with its feet tucked
going recHn the face at him, Jimmy up to put him off the scent, but old
Faithful never faltered, he kept on
doing the side stroke, baying steadily.
says, and his bloodhound hurled him-
self about with . such force that he
thought the chain would break.
The chain held all right — the man
Jimmy bought it from said it had been
tested up to two tons — but Faithful
made such a terrific rush that he slipped
clean through the collar. Jimmy says
he ought to have tied a knot in Faith-
ful's tail and then it wouldn't have
happened.
Tho chicken moulted a good deal dur-
ing its progress; Jimmy says it was
because it got so hot.
Once they passed the fowl-house, and
as soon as the hens caught sight of
Jimmy's bloodhound they all began to
send out the S.O.S. signal, and then
the man came out.
Jimmy knew the man a little ; he
Tho next door garden is a big one, had told Jimmy the day before that
and the chicken and Faithful had it to 'snowdrops were harbingers. The man
274
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
. 7, 1915.
know all about bloodhounds with
chickens, Jimmy says, but his slippers
wouldn't let him ; they hadn't any
heels and kept coming oil in the soil.
Jimmy says the man went on talking
to himself over his slippers and looking
for something to throw. But there
were only tlio snowdrops, so ho went
to tlio coalhouso as fast as his slippers
could go.
Jimmy says the man wasn't a very
good aimer, although Faithful gave him
every chanco. Faithful kept fetching
tho coal back for the man and then
putting the chicken up again, but
the man didn't hit the chicken '
once. Jimmy says the man had
just emptied a little heap of
gravel out of his slippers that
he had forgotten about for the
moment and was taking a very
gooJ look at Faithful when the
man's wife came out and began
to talk to him from the doorstep.
She said his name was Alex-
ander and that he had to come
in— did he bear her ? — with coal
at 30s. a ton. But the man had
reached out too quickly to stroke
old Faithful with his foot, and
Faithful was busy trying to
make the man's slipper growl
at ' him in one corner of the
lawn. Jimmy says the man is
a good hopper, you could tell
that from where he left his
slipper when he did it. It was
like swimming with one foot on
the bottom, the way tho man
did it, Jimmy says, and when
Faithful saw tho man beginning
to do that at him he couldn't
bear it and went away. Jimmy
says bloodhounds are like that,
it unhinges them.
The man told Jimmy of a
scheme he had for his blood-
liound. It would make him
look like a sieve, ho said. He _
said Jimmy's bloodhound was an
animal.
All this took up time and made
Faithful quite late on the trail, and
Jimmy was afraid his bloodhound would
j& too unnerved for really fine work.
However, he led him up to the sausage
shop, where he caught his first spy,
an i loosed him there.
Faithful cast about for a little,
scratched himself, then suddenly
dashed into the shop hot upon the
scent of another of those sausages with
.he red husk. He couldn't reach those
n the window, so he went behind the
ounter and picked up the trail of one
hat must have been hiding under a
;lass dish. Jimmy heard the glass
ish smash in the struggle. So
id the man. He came running into
the shop and threw a chopper for
Faithful to fetch. Jimmy says tho
man got very excited and drew a re-
volver and fired at Faithful, and then
shouted, " Mad dog I Mad dog ! " as
hard as he could.
Jimmy says that people were looking
everywhere for the mad dog, and he
was glad ho hadn't fixed that sign the
milkman told him of on to Faithful.
They had to tear the sausage from
Faithful's mouth because his fangs
wore locked. The policeman was sur-
prised at the sausage, Jimmy says ; ho
said it was a wolf in sheep's clothing.
It was not the same kind of spy a
the other one Jimmy's bloodhounu
tracked down ; it was a naturalisec
one.
Jimmy says they used Faithful as a
hit of evidence, and the policeman hat
to swear he was a dog within, the
meaning of tho Act.
Jimmy says tho man made b.ink
notes as well as sausages — batter, the
magistrate said. The man didn't wanl
people to know he made bank-notes, so
he put them in a sausage skin, anc
another man used to come and take
them away. He was a confederate, like
~ you have when you do tricks,
Jimmy says.
Tho man kept the bank-note
sausages under a glass dish so
that they wouldn't stray away
and mingle with the others.
The magistrate said that you
couldn't always toll sausages by
their overcoats. Some of them
were vvhited sepulchres. The
hank-notes were for a fund to
aid German spies, and so they
couldn't be sent by post, as the
letters might be opened and the
bank-notes leak out.
The man who used to come
for the bank-note sausages has
not -been caught yet — he is still
at large; but then so is old
Faithful, Jimmy says.
"YOU BTABTED BEFORE I WAS EEADY. I'LL HAVE THE
LAW OP YOU FOB THIS 1 "
"NOW THEN, OLD SUBMABINE— NONE OF YEB FBIGHT-
FULNESS ! "
That was because it contained a bundle
of new bank-notes, done up in oilskin,
instead of proper sausage dough.
Jimmy said it was a fraud, and the
policeman said the banknotes were also,
he thought. But he was so pleased
with Jimmy that he played him a tune
on his whistle.
Faithful followed all the policemen
into the shop— you see he had tasted
blood — and while the policemen went to
talk to the man he kept tho sausages tit
bay. He rustled them about a good
deal, Jimmy says, and kept daring them
to bite back at him.
Jimmy says his bloodhound got so
exhausted with his work that he soon
had only strength enough to lie down
near a pork pie and place his tongue
against it.
In a recent issue we quoted
the order issued at an Indian
camp that "any Volunteer
improbably dressed will be
arrested." Judging by the fol-
lowing extract it would appear
about time that the military
authorities at home took similar
action : — •
" The greater portion were clad in
khaki, some were in blue, whilst others
wore semi-military dress. A section
of the men wore greatcoats and ordi-
nary caps — one man had donned a Trilby and
another a felt hat, while a Morecaiubo company
wore mittens."— Daily Dispatch.
In Scotland things are even worse,
for we read in the prospectus of a cer-
tain Volunteer Training Corps that —
" It is proposed that tho only uniform to be
worn to begin with shall be a Hat (conform
to Begulationa) and a Brassard to be worn oil
the left arm."
FLOEEAT ETONA.
WE hold in righteous war no peace
well won
Where Justice falters at a fear of
Hate.
Our Head may plead, " Oh, humble
not the Hun ! "
Our speech is witli the Enemy in
the Gate.
APRIL 7, 11*15.]
PUNCH, OR TIIK LONDON CHARIVARI.
275
THE SUPER-SLACKER.
Old Gentleman (discussing man in farllier corner). "Bur SURELY, THOUGH us HASN'T ENLISTED, HB 'B DOING HIS BIT SOMEHOW —
NATIONAL DEFENCE, FEKHAPS ? — on SPECIAL CONSTABLE ? "
Companion. "THE- SLIGHTER DON'T DO NOTHING, I TELL TEB. NOTHING I DOH'T frxy FULL DOJTN TBM WINDER
MORE WORK FOB WOMEN.
[It is suggested that one reason for the
German hate is tho beauty of English girls
compared with the maidens of the Father-
land.]
WHAT can you do for England's sake,
Cousin of mine, whose dainty frame
Too frailly fashioned is to break
A lance in her dear name ?
Your hands are weary, you declare,
Of knitting khaki pedal wear.
You fain would travel to the wars
And take your stand against the foe ;
There 's envy in that heart of yours
Each tiino that you bestow
That most encouraging of boons,
Tho gladsome eye on light dragoons.
Well, if you 'd really have the Hun
Annoyed by your intrinsic might,
Semi him your photograph (the one
In which you 're wearing white) ;
Its advent in the trench, dear child,
Would surely drive the beggars wild.
We understand from the news in
the daily papers that the distinguished
Roumanian, Mr. TAKE JONESOU, has
been urging the Roumanians to join
the Allies. Isn't it about time they
took Jones' cue ?
PRICES AS USUAL.
" EVERYTHING is dearer ! " she said,
flinging the butcher's book from her.
" Not everything," said her husband
gently, while preparing himself to meet
a possible demand for an increase in
the allowance for housekeeping.
" I don't mean tobacco ; I am speak-
ing of necessaries," she replied. " At
the grocer's, the baker's, the fruiterer's,
the butcher's — wherever you go it 's
the same ; and it has come to this,
Rowland, that it is impossible for me
to manage "
" Have you tried Tomkinson's
Stores ? " he asked.
" That smelly place with a post-office
behind the cheeses ? No, thank you I
And, anyhow, their prices are sure
to have gone up like everybody
else's."
" They are not all up, my dear ; you
must try to bo less sweeping in your
statements. As a matter of fact I
looked in at Tomkinson's on my way
home and found them quite reason-
able."
" Rowland I Do not tell me that
the chocolates you buy me about
twice a year come from that horrible
shop."
Nora, but I did not
July the 19th, you
is the next data for
"I am sorry,
buy chocolates;
must remember,
chocolates."
" Then what could you want to get
at Tomkinson's ? One thing is certain,
if you ask me to eat any of it we shall
quarrel. What did you buy ? "
Rowland felt in several pockets, his
wife watching him closely. At the end
he produced a packet of post-cards.
Help I
Under the heading of " Literary
Help " this Answer to a Correspondent
appeared recently in T.P.'i Weekly : —
"H. L. O. (Bristol). — Your three songs are
as good (perhaps a little bolter) than (sic) many
efforts of the kind. Yon don t attempt to say
anything beyond the commonplace, but it is
something to achieve the sentimental common-
place without falling into pathos (sic)."
The Literary Helper's estimate of the
relative values of " sentimental com-
monplace " and " pathos " is at least as
good as his grammar.
"Sergeant Tisdale received a bullet in the
log."— The Observer.
We have always thought it inadvisable
for a soldier to keep a log. It is really
sailors' work.
276
I'l'XCII, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
7, 1915.
EPISTOLARY FRENCH.
•• OH dear," said Francesca in a tone of deep depression,
" I 've got to write two letters in French."
"It is" I said, "a punishment for having wasted your
li in c'iirly youth. During the hours nominally devoted
to French you were thinking of hockey or bicycles or
poetry. Instead of attending to the irregular verbs you
were preparing a speech on the subjection of women. And
now you can't play hockey and you don't want to bicycle
ami you 're the despot of your household, but you can't
write the simplest letter in the French language without
groaning and tearing your hair."
" All that," she said, " is very eloquent, but it isn t very
helpful."
•• I do not pretend," I said, " to be a dictionary or a
phrase-book. Short of that, if there is anything I can do
you have only to appeal to my better nature and you will
find me bubbling over with French of the most idiomatic
kind. But tell me, to whom do you propose to write ? "
" To Belgian refugees, of course. We must all do what
we can to help them, poor things."
" Of course we must," I said ; " but do you think our
letters will help them much ? "
"Well, they want to know things and we're bound to
answer them."
" Quite true," I said ; " but are you sure that our French
will help to reconcile them to living in England ? Might
it not be of so English a quality that they would feel more
t! an ever that they were amongst strangers? Couldn't we
call in person and smile at them and say, ' Oh oui ' in a
friendly manner so as to make them think they 're really at
home ? I merely throw out the suggestion, you know."
" You can leave it," she said, " where you threw it. It 's
no use to me. We 've got to write these letters."
"Very well," I said, "let's get to work. How shall we
begin ? "
" ' Chtre Madame ' would be all right, wouldn't it ? "
" ' Chirc Madame ' would be simply splendid if the lady
is married."
" Married ? " said Francesca. " She has been married
twenty-four years and has had ten children."
" No one," I said, " could possibly be more worthy of all
that is implied in ' Chire Madame.' Let us put it down at
once before we forget it."
" Anyhow," said Francesca more cheerfully, " we 've got
started, and that 's more than half the battle."
" Francesca," I said, " you never made a greater mistake
in your life. The beginning of a letter in French is, no
doubt, important, but it is the merest child's play compared
with the end. Are you going to ask this mother of ten
children simply to receive your salutations ? Or dare you
soar still higher and pray her to be well willing to agree
the expression of your sentiments the most distinguished ?
Or to accept the assurance of your most high consideration ?
You think they 're all pretty much the same, but they 're
not. There are heavy shades of difference between them
and you can't help going wrong. Is it worth while to risk
exposing your ignorance to a lady who has been married
twenty-four years ? Pause before it is too late."
" Well," said Francesca, "I can't help it. If ever I get so
far in this blessed letter I shall just make a dash for it and
ask her to agree whatever comes into my head first. It '11
probably be my distinguished sentiments, because I 've
taken a fancy for that style. It 's jolly to think one has
such sentiments."
"All right," I said, "have it your own way, but don't
blame me if wre i you next meet her your Belgian lady
shows what the novels call evident signs of constraint."
" She won't worry about a little tiling like that. She's
the dearest old thing in the world, but she 's in a great state
about the chimney in her sitting-room, which is one of the
most successful smokers ever built."
"Hurrah!" I cried, "now we've got the middle of
the letter, and that makes it complete. Rammieur is the
French for sweep, so we '11 write something like this : —
Ch&re Madame,
Jo vous cnverrai la ramoncnr.
Agrdez, Madame, mes sentiments distinguii.
And then you '11 sign it and send it off."
" Will that do ? " said Francesca. " Isn't it just a little
too curt ? They 're our guests, you know, and we ought to
do all we can to make them feel at home."
" Well," I said, " we could throw in a few words about
the weather."
" But perhaps they don't worry about the weather in
Belgium."
" Then it '11 be something new for them. And you might
add some neat little sentence about hoping that the children
are all in good health."
" Neat little sentences," said Francesca, " don't grow on
gooseberry bushes, but I '11 do my best. That polishes off
number one. Now we must consider number two. This
time I have to answer a daughter. Somebody, it appears,
has been good enough to indicate to Papa a place where he
can procure himself cheaply a summer costume made to
measure, and it pains them to see Mamma without a suit-
able dress at a moment when nature is adorning herself
with her most beautiful attire. Can I say where Mamma
can obtain a dress which will restore her peace of mind ? "
" Francesca/' I said, " this does not concern me. It is
too sacred. All I can do is to suggest that couturiere is a
not inappropriate word. And this time you can finish up
with the assurance of your highest consideration."
" It sounds haughty," said Francesca, " but I '11 chance
it." K. C. L.
LINES ON A EECENT COBEESPONDENCE.
THE versatile, outspoken Head of Eton
Suggested that, when Germany is beaten,
And the Allies have drawn the fangs of Kiel,
We should not give her any cause to squeal,
But prove the honesty of our professions
By making some considerable concessions —
E.g., her mood tow'rd us would greatly alter
If we made good by giving up Gibraltar.
This large and somewhat premature suggestion,
Which begs, it may be urged, a vital question,
Far more than any of his earlier capers
Has caused explosions in the daily papers,
And led to an explanatory letter
Which made the situation worse, not better ;
For, having said a stupid thing, the preacher
Calls England stupid, like a priggish teacher,
Eliciting thereby retaliations
Full of unjust and groundless accusations.
No man of common sense, and least of all
Can Punch find satisfaction in a brawl
Which places in a wholly false position
One who has fostered Eton's martial mission.
But, though we hope the episode is ended,
An obvious moral needs to be perpended.
Let schoolmasters observe the wholesome rule
Of sticking closely to their job and school,
And leave to our political advisers
The management of Gibs and Kiels and Kaisers.
7, \'.nr>.]
PUNCTF, Oil Till-: LONDON" CHAKI VAIU.
277
FOR THE WOUNDED.
Mu. PUNCH begs to recommend his readers for their own sakes and for the sake of the cause to attend and bid at the remarkable
sale which is to take place at Messrs. CHRISTIE'S (8, King Street, St. James's Square) on the first five days of each of the weeks
Ix'Kinning April 12th and 19th, and also on the 26th and 27th. Over 1,500 generous donors (including the KINO) have presented art
treasures and relics of unique historical interest to be sold for the benefit of the British Bed Cross Society and the Order of tha
Hospital of St. John of Jerusalem. The entire proceeds of the Sale — no charge for their services being made by Messrs. CHRISTIE — •
will be handed over to these Societies. The exhibits will be on view from April 7th.
278
PUNCH, OR TIIK LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 7, 1915.
THE TRANSPORT SOLUTION.
" THE man you ought to see," they
told tno, " is "tlio Transport Officer,
Soul hum Barracks."
I found him seated in a largo chair
in a small ollicc. " I liave come," I
said, " to enlist your sympathy."
"It is yours," ho replied, handing
me his cigarette-case.
" Also your assistance."
" Ah ! " he said sadly, and waved mo
to a seat.
" Though not myself a military man,"
I continued, " 1 have for some time
past been working under the military
authorities, who are removing me next
month, with my wife, children, furniture
and other household effects, to a sphere
of usefulness on" Salisbury Plain. For
purposes of furniture transport they
created for me some time ngo a niche
in the Allowance Regulations, which
entitles mo to free carriage of goods to
the amount, on my own account of one
ton, on that of my wife of 5 cwt., and
on that of each of my two children of
1 cwt. — a total of 1 ton 7 cwt. Our
united furniture, however, weighs in all
1 ton 7 cwt. 5 Ib. On the other hand,
on the occasion of our last shift it only
ran to 1 ton 5 cwt. What I want to
know is, will the Transport people in
consideration of the previous shortagp,
include the extra 5 Ibs. this time in the
move? Their net gain on the two
events would still bo the carriage of
1 cwt. 107 tb."
I drew a deep breath and leant back
in my chair.
He sighed, and for a while we smoked
in silence. Then he spoke.
" The fact is," he said, "Transport is
not really my job. They have only
roped me in for it temporarily. Would
you mind if 1 called in my clerk ? "
" Not at all," 1 answered.
He pressed a button and his sub-
ordinate appeared, a short, spare, dis-
agreeably intelligent-looking man.
" Er — would you mind— er — ? " said
the Transport Officer to me.
I drew a second breath, a little deeper,
if anything, than the first, and re-stated
my case. •
" What can we do for this gen-
tleman ? " asked the Transport Oflicer.
"Nothing, Sir," said his clerk stonily.
" Can we send him to anybody else ? "
"Yes, Sir, we can send him to — "
a peculiarly sinister expression flitted
across his face — "the A. A. and Q.M.G.
at tho fort."
" Thank you," I murmured.
" I was afraid," I said, as the man
left the room, " that he was going to
mention another person, inhabiting a
less respectable locality."
" 1 'in not sure," replied the Trans-
port Officer thoughtfully, "that it
doesn't come to much tho same thing."
It took me half an hour to reach the
fort, situated at the summit of a long
hill, and another half-hour to reach tho
A. A. and Q.M.G., situated at a massive
leather-topped table. There was no
suggestion, with this officer, of sym-
pathy or cigarettes. He had a very
brief manner.
" Yes," he said, as I entered.
I stated my case.
"That all?"
" Yes," I answered ; " can you man-
age it?"
"No."
At the door I paused and turned.
" I forgot to mention that I am pre-
pared, if necessary, to carry the matter
to the House of Lords."
"What?"
I repeated my remark.
" You 'd better go and sea the
O.C.A.S.C.," he said.
I descended the hill and finally
succeeded in discovering the official
habitat of the O.C.A.S.C. He was
out. Would he bo in again ? Probably.
When? Impossible to predict ; would
I wait ? I would wait. A clerk led
me gently into an inner room, placed
a^Bradshaw near my hand, and loft me.
As I perused the volume I grew
more and more surprised at the un-
doubtedly wide circulation ?owhich
it ^enjoys. Tho plot is '.trivial; the
style, though terse and occasionally
epigrammatic, is unrelieved by dialogue
of any description ; and it is impossible,
without keeping at least three fingers
in the index, to gain an adequate idea
of the doings of any of the characters.
After about an hour 1 rang the bell
and asked for an A.B.C. At the end
of the second hour I had committed
to memory the populations of all the
more important towns in the Home
Counties. Just as twilight fell the
clerk returned and told me that the
O.C.A.S.C. had arrived. I followed
him into another apartment.
The O.C.A.S.C. was wandering
rather aimlessly about his office. " Did
you want to see me ? " he asked
absently.
I stated my case.
" It 's a most extraordinary thing ! "
he exclaimed, coming at last to a
standstill.
"What?" I inquired.
" Where my matches get to," he
replied. "I wonder if I might trouble
you just to help me find them ? " '
We took a long time over it, since
it had not occurred to him to look in
the right-hand pocket of his coat. At
length, however, I discovered them
there. He was very much obliged to
mo. " And now tell me what can I
do for you?" ho said. I re-stated my
case. Ho listened attentively. " I am
afraid," he said, " that this will have
to be referred to the War Office. 1
must ask you to put it in writing." I
sat down and stated my case in writing.
"Thank you," said tho O.C.A.S.C.;
" I will communicate with you when
I hear their decision, which I hope
will be favourable."
As I went out I saw him putting the
document carefully in the right-hand
pocket of his coat.
A week passed, two weeks, three
weeks, but I did not hear from him.
Finally relief camo from a quarter
which I had overlooked. I wrote at
once to the Transport Oflicer, the
A. A. and Q.M.G., and the O.C.A.S.C.
" SIR, — With reference to our con-
versation of the 18th ult., 1 have the
honour to state that the question which
you were good enough to discuss with
me on that date has been satisfactorily
settled by the arrival of a third member
within my family circle. Since this
entitles me to an additional 1 cwt. of
transport, I need not trouble you
further in the matter. Both mother
and child are doing well, thauk you. I
have the honour to be, Sir, -
Your obedient Servant,
SESIPRONIUS SMITH."
Not one of thorn wrote to con-
gratulate mo.
LAUGHTEE AND DEATH.
WHO shall forbid the righteous to deride
Death , when the awful presence dra weth
near
And their strong souls, emancipate from
fear,
Face him unshaken and unterrified ?
In such celestial mirth the saints abide
And enter Death's dark stream with
goodly cheer,
For whom tho trumpets sound with
welcome clear
As they pass over to tho other side.
Such joy is born of Heaven ; but what
of those
Who laugh at Death, although a wo-
man dies,
And draw voluptuous rapture from the
throes
Of mangled men who drown before
their eyes ?
Surely no dread eternity of pain
Shall cleanse them from, this hellish
laughter's stain.
" 4/- Postal Order sent with worn Umbrella
to Belts, Stephens Green, Dublin, will be
returned same day equal to new."
Irish Daily Independent.
It is something to get the money
back, even if the umbrella is not re-
covered.
Ai'uii, 7, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
'279
THE MILITARY SPIRIT.
Boy (exhorting sheep). " LEFT ! EIGHT! LEFT! LEFT!-
-LEFT ! "
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)
I MUST say that I found You Never Know Your Luck
(HODDEB AND STOUGHTON) a great disappointment, the
freater from my previous pleasure in the work of
ir GILBERT PARKER. I do not object to it as formless,
though it certainly is that, or as told in a confusing
haphazard style. My complaint is that a fairly effective
short story, based upon an unconvincing but mildly dramatic
situation, has been inflated to the dimensions of a novel.
For live pages of a magazine I might have been entertained
to hear how Crazier had run away from the just anger of
liis wife, after breaking his promise not to bet ; how she
wrote him an angry letter, which he kept unopened for
years (but there is no magazine published that could make
me believe that) ; how the wife had really had a bit on of
her own, and how, when she turned up to find Crazier
recovering from gunshots and stumped for want of the
ready, she steamed open the old envelope, put her own bet-
gotten gains therein, and pretended they had been waiting
there for him all the time. But as a grown-up book I
could hardly think that this justified its author's reputation
either in plot or characters. These last by the way have
been quite delightfully illustrated in colour by Mr. W. L.
JACOBS, who might surely have been mentioned upon the
titlopugo. I am reminded, a little inconsequentially, of
the lady who liked BOTTICELLI'S Birth of Venus, all but
the central figure, which she found " rather a pity." Ee-
memhoring Sir GILBERT'S distinguished work in the past,
I can only call his latest story rather a pity. But tlieie
may well be those to whom its appeal will be more success-
ful. After all, you never know other people's luck.
Mr. STEPHEN MCKENNA must have been seriously
annoyed by the outbreak of a war that has swept away
the attention of his public from a subject in which he had
reason to suppose it was quite keenly interested. At the
same time I am not sure whether he has not something
for which to be thankful; for that atmosphere of hazy
distance that the curtain of the last eight mouths has
drawn over events even so crude in outline as the activities
of militant suffrage has converted into a moderately read-
able story what must otherwise have come perilously near
to being a succession of impertinences. There is so little
ambiguity about a date like 1913 that, but for this same
curtain, most of us could give a guess as to who was Prime
Minister and who Attorney-General at that time ; and, on
learning that members of their families had been kidnapped
as a protest against the rejection of the Women's Suffrage
Amendment, could place within quite a small circle the
original -of that brilliant criminal, Joyce, who planned the
abductions, and incidentally won the heart of Toby Merivale,
the narrator. We might even have begun to wonder how
much was history and how much semi-official aspiration
towards future achievement, instead of realising that the
author had no purpose more serious than the embellishment
of a yarn that should initiate tea-table discussion on the
possibilities of The Sixth Sense (CHAPMAN AND HALL). It
would not be quite playing the game for me to say what is
280
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 7, 1915.
endowed his deliberately effeminate hero, particularly as
neither of them seems to know much about it — and no
more do I, for that matter. It is enough if I hint that by
its timely aid a beauteous heroine is rescued from imprison-
ment at the hands of the militants, and a happy ending
assured. For further details I must refer you to Toby
Merivale.
that mysterious extra faculty with which the author has as unattractive. And most of her friends were even worse.
Forlorn Adventurers (METHUEN) is a book with many
pleasant patches, hut also a vast deal of what I can only
regard as padding. 1 am unable to believe that such clever
people as AGNES and EGF.RTON CASTLE could not have told
so simple a tale more crisply if they had really wanted to
do so. Perhaps my irritation at having to plough through
a superfluous number of pages in pursuit of the slender
intrigue was intensified by the fact that they had been
bound up in a haphazard fashion that always worries me
beyond measure. But this by the way. When the Master
of Stronaven lost his wife, by divorce, various meddling
relations set out to find him another, in the person of the
vacuous daughter of an Argen-
tine millionaire. Shortly after
their wedding, however, the
Master developed heart disease, !
and, being bored with vacuity, !
reconciled himself with wife
number one, and so died. I
am far from saying that the
tale is badly told, but I do
say that there are too many
scenes that retard instead 'of
helping the action. And upon
one point I must join issue
with the authors. I entirely
decline to believe that a
woman like Mrs. Duvenant,
who, in her progress from a
small shop to Connaught Place
vid the Argentine, had mas-
tered at least the elementary
rules of behaviour, would have
comported herself with such
1
ignorance and brutality in the house where her son-in-law
lay on his death-bed. So much for carping. Now let me
add that several of the subordinate characters are admirably
drawn, e pacially perhaps Lady Martindale (a portrait-
study, I should think, and a clever one). Also that the
Scotch and Italian setting is the real thing. But the faot
remains that the chief adventurers seem to have been too
forlorn for either myself or the EGEUTON CASTLES to have
been at our happiest in their society.
Despite her preface, which goes some way to disarm the
critic, I am bound to say that I think Miss CONSTANCE
SMEDLEY would have been better advised to change the
title of her latest novel, On the Fighting Line (PUTNAM)
I am willing to believe that it was written before the War
-indeed the fact is obvious— but when all is said it
remains true that for us now there is only one battle, and
that subsidiary fighting lines merely exasperate. This I
fear, has indeed been the abiding effect of the book upon
me ; even its good qualities vexed me that they were not
better, and better employed. It is a record, in diary form
of the emotions of a girl typist in a big City office. Dare
1 confess that I rose from it with a feeling of profound
sympathy— for the office? Frankly, from almost every
Jint of view the diarist (who has various names, though
junior partner generally called her Jasmine] struck
me
Perhaps in a way I was not wholly free from prejudice.
I can never keep a quite impartial mind about book-
heroines who make obviously literary records of their
emotions at the very instant of experiencing them.
Moreover, you will not have progressed very far in this
volume before you discover that, under a guise of sympa-
thetic neutrality, you are really (if a man) being held up
to ridicule because — you will never guess for what — because
you are severe upon ladies who destroy the contents of
pillar-boxes. There 's a breath from the unregenerate past
for you ! No. Though I hasten to admit some freshness
and charm about the week-end wooings of Jasmine and
her junior partner, the story as a whole remains what I
have called it above — exasperating, because it is about
types and ideas with which it is impossible in these big
days to feel more than a faint academic sympathy.
Mr. E. SCOTLAND LIDDELL, who gives us The Track oj
the War (SIMPKIN, MARSHALL), has made a motor tour of
Belgium, chiefly in the company of a Belgian Eed Cross
""I officer, and has by his own
quiot modest showing put in a
.__ ! gallant piece of work in the
matter of relief of the wounded
on the somewhat irresponsible
I plan which the twain adopted,
; working apparently under no
; orders but their own. If the
book is not a completely satis-
! factory addition to the serious
literature of the War it is
: because the author does not
seem to possess a very judicial
i mind. He writes in a natural
heat of indignation after seeing
the traces of German fright-
fulness; but the case in bulk
against the enemy is so
unanswerable that what we
chiefly need now is especial
care never to weaken it by
admitting any details without
unimpeachable evidence. Our author does not avoid sucli
phrases as " thousands of other instances," nor make
allowance for the inevitable distortions of evidence given
originally by witnesses distracted with fear and hate, and
retailed at second and fifth hand in an unfamiliar
language. Mr. LIDDELL covers the terrible ground —
Dinant, Termpnde, Aerschot, Andenne, 'famines— and quotes
freely the official documents of the Belgian commissions;
hut adds, for instance in the case of recorded mutilations
for which evidence should be still attainable, no first-hand
personal testimony which would have given a special
significance to his book. It remains a piece of competent
but necessarily hurried journalism, not without a sense of
atmosphere, and should prove particularly valuable to
folk of sluggish imagination, like the Immortal who wrote
to Lord KITCHENER complaining about the taking off
of his favourite train, and the kind of person who still
counts it a disaster if the cook spoils the fish.
Describing the battle of the Falkland Islands The Great
War states : —
" . . . As the short winter day was drawing in a quick result was
needed . . . But the winter sea was deadly cold."
Of course we knew that the Great War had turned the World
upside down, but we had not realised that in the Southern
Hemisphere the seasons had actually been reversed.
EEMAEKABLE CASE OP PROTECTIVE COLOURING.
OWING, IT IS BELIEVED, TO THE FEABS OF A GERMAN
INVASION, A ZEBRA AT THE ZOO ASSUMES A NEUTBAL ASPECT.
APRIL 14, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
281
CHARIVARIA.
"Tun KAISER," says Professor LAS-
SON, " is as innocent of this War as a
little babe." This is the unkindest
remark about infants that we have
ever encountered. t +
*
Germany is reported to be greatly
incensed at our offering only £10 apiece
for the return of the two German
officers who escaped from the concen-
tration camp in Denbighshire.
* *
The Press Bureau has issued a
communique as to what articles may
be sent to British prisoners in Germany.
Wo understand that, in addition to those
specified, the German Government has
no objection to gold and copper being
sent in small or even large
quantities. ^ +
*
We learn from an in-
terview that Professor
HAKCKEL, of Jena, is es-
pecially angry with us,
because we have put Ger-
many to the inconvenience
of having to face three
fronts. She could have
managed two easily, but
she was never more than
double-faced.
* *
*
In a letter from the Front,
an English soldier mentions
that one day he found that
some of his churns had been
using his Insect Powder
with their steak under the
impression that it was
pepper. They suffered no
ill effects from it ; but this
destroyer would without doubt have
killed most Prussians.
* •:••
The lonely soldier who advertised
for correspondents and received, three
days later, 3,000 letters, has come to
the conclusion that there
things than loneliness.
* *
" Which are the most abused words
in journalism ? " asks The Observer.
We do not know about the others,
but " Kaiser " seems to us to come in
for a fair share of vituperation.
* -:;
Lord DERBY, it is stated, has out-
lined a scheme for a dock labourers'
battalion of the Liverpool Regiment,
to be formed on trade union lines.
The ^ifliculty will be to get the enemy
to agroe that no battle shall last longer
tha1? °ight hours.
Further evidence is to hand to prove
ho German is mado of sturdier
stuff than the Englishman. In Berlin
certain citizens are converting the
flower balconies of their houses into
war balconies by growing vegetables
there, including onions.
* *
"The one section of public opinion
in this country which can crush Prussian
politics," says Mr. RAMSAY MACDONAL.D,
" ia the Independent Labour Party."
The I.L.P. really over-rates its dead-
linoss. * *
*
Interviewed on the subject of the
drink trouble a brewer is reported to
have said : — "To stop an industry
employing indirectly 3,000,000 people
in the middle of the greatest striif^lo
we have known would be like building
a steam-roller to kill a beetle." A more
A Luminous Statement.
" I am in a position, however, to add one
other fact to these data, namely, that during
the past few days Italy has entered into
closer contact with a view to obtain a more
comprehensive survey of the perspective as
envisaged in the light of one of the alterna-
tives which open out before brr.
Dr. E. J. Dillon in " Tlie Daily Telegraph."
" Thes elf-sacrifice of war was oalt wdith in
moving words by the Archbishop of York iii
preaching again at Hull to day."
Edinburgh Kvening Newi.
The movement of the words appears to
have been overdone.
PLAYING AT WAB.
No, THEY RAVKH'T STARTED YET. TRET ABB ONLY TEYINQ TO
DECIDH WHO SHALL KKI'KK.SKNT THE GERMANS.
" The sailors of the Medjidich showed a de-
portment which is worthy of every praise.
Before the sinking of the ship all breeches
were completely removed." — Evening News.
The Turks were evidently quite pre-
pared for a whipping.
Mr. F. T. JANB in " The
War by Water : "
" If Russia captured Constan-
tinople, it would clear the air of
a possible bone of contention
between the Allies, on ' dragging
chestnuts out of the fire' lines."
Our own practice, when we
see a bone of contention
floating in the air, is to nip
it in the bud, and devil it
while the chestnuts are still
in the firing lines. But Mr.
JANB is perhaps right in
putting literary elegance
above the mere avoidance of
mixed metaphor, which is
a purely psychological mat-
ter and of no military im-
portance whatever.
vermin-
are worse
apt simile would perhaps be " to smash
a bottle." * *
*
The heading in The Daily Mirror : —
"MISS BRAITHWAITE'S LEOPARD
SKIN"
has, it is reported, had the effect of
causing this popular actress to be bom-
barded with advertisements of com-
plexion tonics. * *
*
The GROWN PRINCESS of Germany has
given birth to a dear little burglarette.
The following announcement was
recently given out by the Vicar in a
country church : — " The collection to-
day will be for church expenses, and
we hope there will be a liberal response
as the east wall of the church is in a
very precarious state and needs under-
girding. We are having a collection,
as it would otherwise only fall on part
of the congregation. We hope the
balance will be on the right side."
The Absorbing Question.
Follow the KING'S example and give
up everything but Punch.
Under the heading, " Why some
people drink," The Evening News
deals with what it calls " Xxcuses for
drunkenness." This quaint spelling is
probably a subtle way of indicating
the XX which was doubtless one of
them.
" During the whole of last night the enemy
bombarded the trenches which e ad lost yester-
day at the Bois Le Pretre."
Manchester Guardian.
The enemy's aspirates seems to have
shared the fate of his aspirations.
" Several farmers spoke as to the enormous
damage which was done by sparrows to wheat
crops, and Mr. Jos. Willett, of Nautwich, said
that last year in half an acre of wheat not one
stork was loft with a grain." — Daily Dispatch.
This civil war between sparrows and
storks must be stopped.
VOL. CXLVI1I.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 14, 1915.
THE GREEN-EYED MONSTER.
rThe Viennese journal, Die Zeit, has been inviting the opinions of
neoole of importance on the cause of Germany's unpopularity. Among
who attribute it to envy, Field-Marshal RIEGER rep hes :
••(Jermanv has so many enemies because she is the nation which
ezoeb the others. The world, as Schiller said, loves to darken
that which shines, and drags in the dust that which is on high.
SOCK VTKS had to drink hemlock . . ."
The views of this veteran warrior are developed below. J
'TwAS ever so since hoary Time began ;
Darkness habitually loathes the light;
Base natures still regard the Superman
(Perched on his pinnacle almost out of sight)
With jealous eye asquint,
Green as a crime de menthe (or peppermint).
Envy would drag the Prophet in the dust ;
To this same vulgar motive may be traced
A tendency to down the Wise and Just
By methods in the very worst of taste ;
Poison is one of these ;
That's how they did for good old SOCRATES.
The Fatherland, refusing to evade
The penalties that Greatness must endure,
Deigns to accept, however rudely paid,
This flattering tribute to her high Kultur ;
She seeks not to abate
The compliment of universal hate.
Men note the havoc where her hosts have passed,
They flinch before her frightfulness and say : —
" All savage records here are overcast ;
There never was a nation built this way " — •
Treating with disrespect
The lustrous handiwork of God's elect.
So Envy tries to bite the Chosen Race,
Blunting its tooth on our impervious hide ;
Unmoved by Malice (thanks to inward grace)
We turn not from our heavenly task aside,
• But, resolute of soul,
Quietly hack pur way toward the goal. 0. S.
UNWRITTEN LETTERS TO THE KAISER.
No. XIX.
(From PIET MARIS, now on Commando with- the Forces of
the Union of South Africa.)
LET me tell you first-of all that I 'm a Dutch Afrikander
and could prove my descent ; and, secondly, let me assure
you that I have never gone into a piece of work with a
more willing heart than into this of destroying so far a:
may be your power in South-West Africa. I daresay you
thought that in the Transvaal and the Free State the
memories of our fights with the British would he strong
enough to dispose us to range ourselves on your side in thib
conflict. Well, we have not always loved the British
Government, nor have we always abstained from quarrelling
with our British neighbours. Some of our folk, too, have
nursed old grievances and recent slights until they thoughl
there was no other business in life, and they persuaded a
few hot-heads to join with them and sputtered out into
what was called a rebellion. We soon settled that, and we
settled it ourselves without help from outside, a feat which
should have earned for us at the very least a telegram o:
congratulations from you. However, there was no messag<
— probably you were too much occupied in trampling or
the Belgians, and in any case I can't honestly say that we
missed it or worried our heads about its non-appearance.
Che incident opened our eyes, and we saw where our danger
ay. Did you really think that we, Dutchmen though wo
are and stubbornly though we have fought against the
British, were going to haul down the Union Jack in order
;o hoist the black, white and red of the German Empire in
ts place ; that we were going to try and chase the British
)ut of our country in order to let in a host of German soldiers
ind officials ; that, in fact, we meant to abandon our own
ree institutions in order to live under the heel of the most
;oercive tyranny that the world has ever seen '? No, thank
'ou. We Dutchmen may have our moments of folly, but
e 're not such fools as all that. We may lack imagination,
jut then it doesn't require much imagination to realise
vhat your men have done to the Belgians, whom you were
solemnly pledged to protect. The stain on your nation is
ndelible. Years and years hence, when a German wishes
,o speak of honour and mercy, he will stammer and grow
)ale, for the blood of the murdered Belgians will choke him
is the blood of DANTON choked ROBESPIERRE.
There 's another point which I want to make clear to you.
You rail against the British and (until you meet them in
the field of battle) make light of their contemptible little
army, and all over Germany stout plethoric Germans and
,heir- broad comfortable wives, when they meet one another
n the street, are begging the Almighty in a set formula to
punish England. The sausage tastes sweeter, the black
Dread becomes almost white and the beer slips down more
easily when seasoned with this ceremonial declaration of
impotent hate. And in that temper you forget what
England did for us. She stood by her scrap of paper and
gave us free institutions. Then, when we were ripe for
union, she helped to bring us together and left us to build
up with our own hands the edifice of our united Govern-
ment. It isn't perfect, but it 's ours, and we can improve
it as experience may suggest. We don't boast about it, but
we sometimes wonder what sort of institutions we should
have had in South Africa if the Master of Potsdam, with
his patent Prussian system for giving free expression to the
will of the pec-pie, had had power here instead of the
English, whom he begs God to punish for daring to throw
themselves across his path of conquest and domination.
So, you see, we 're fighting now for our own, and we
mean to see the thing through. We are not unmindful of
the seriousness of our task, but we have confidence in
BOTHA both as general and as statesman. We realise that
in this part of the continent our manner o' government
could not long continue if it had to exist under the black
shadow of your autocracy. No doubt you promised moun-
tains and marvels to the poor dupes whom you lured into
rebellion and then left to their own devices. Even they
have begun to see that they have been made your catspaws
and that the chestnuts were not to be for them. I wish
you could hear the language which they now use about you
and your endeavours. You Germans are now known by us
for what you really are. When you talk of liberty we
think of Alsace ; when you praise your culture we counter
you with Louvain ; and here in South Africa we are de-
termined to rid ourselves of your incubus.
Yours, on commando, PIET MARIS.
Mr. Punch is obliged to the countless correspondents who
have forwarded their comments upon the following passage
in The Evening News' account of the PRIMROSE wedding : —
" Officiating were the Bishop of Liverpool and a curate of St.
Margaret's, the latter in green corduroy velvet."
i The prize has been awarded to the first sender of the
i solution that " the Curate wore green, of course, to match
the Bishop's lawn."
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.- APRIL 14, 1915.
/
A PAINFUL REFLECTION.
AUSTRIA. "HEAVENS I AM I REALLY AS BAD AS THAT? TAKE IT AWAY."
[It seems to bo dawning upon Vienna that the armies of Austria have not been consistently victorious.]
Arwii, 14, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
285
r ./.
Jack Tar on leare. " Yus, rr WAS A DESPBIT AFFAIR, AND AMMUNITION WAS BUNKING SHORT.
SIX-INCII SHELLS OUT OF OUB FOCB-POINT-SEVES8 I "
WHT, AI TUB FINISH WE WAS FTBISO
OUB WAR -BIRDS.
A CORRESPONDENT, writing to The
Observer, states that ho hears every
morning a blackbird singing the four
opening notes of the refrain of " Rule,
Britannia," and wonders " whether the
bird has picked it up during the present
war." Surely there can be no doubt
of this. The writer will, however, be
interested to hear that his experience
is by no means unique, as is evidenced
by the following letters : —
A well-known Headmaster writes as
follows : — " Your readers will be glad
to learn that the cuckoo has already
been heard here (Berkshire), though the
date is unusually early. I was seated
recently in my garden, enjoying the
leading article in The Daily Herald,
when I distinctly caught the familiar
notes. But conceive my interest and
pleasure when, as I listened for a
repetition, there reached me instead
the first bars of that magnificent air,
Deutschland Uber Alles, with which the
bird had evidently been at consider-
able pains to familiarise itself. What
a needed lesson is hero for us all !
P.S, — It is the cuckoo that fouls its
own nest, isn't it? or am I wrong? "
Mr. ARNOLD WHITE saya : — " It is
a singular fact that regularly every
Friday morning, as I sit in my study
writing my famous anti-KAisEB causerie
for a certain Sunday journal, I am
saluted by a remarkably fine blackbird,
which from an adjacent bush con-
tinues to repeat the refrain, ' Down,
Willie ! Down, Willie I ' without pause
or variation. So far as I know the
intelligent bird is entirely self-taught."
DEAB SIB, — Perhaps you will allow
me to add my own experience to those
of your other Correspondents. A nest
of thrushes having recently been estab-
lished outside my bathroom window,
I have had frequent opportunities for
studying the behaviour of the occu-
pants. I was specially interested to
note that on the morning after the fall
of Przemysl the parent bird, varying its
usual attitude and monotonous call,
perched on the edge of the nest and
whistled the whole of the Russian
National Anthem with quite remarkable
finish. I was even more struck by the
conduct of the young birds, who, though
still unsteady upon their legs, rose simul-
taneously at the opening bar and re-
mained standing throughout the entire
performance. Such patriotism on the
part of oar unfledged songsters is, I
think, » buly encouraging sign.
I am. Sir,
Yours, etc.,
A KIPLINO LUCAS.
An Incentive to Matrimony.
"BIRTHS.
FOUB YEARS' REFUND OF INCOME
TAX.
Brett — March 27, at Mmitroso, Fortwilliam
Park, the wife of tho Rov. H. R. Brott, of a
mm,
Fisher— March 27, at Dunowen, Cliftonville,
Belfast, to Mr. and Mrs. Alfred Fisher, a
son." — Ntwry Telejraph.
II the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER
will confirm the above announcement
Mr. Punch will feel inclined to revise
his notorious advice to those about to
marry.
The following notice appeared in
" Station Orders " issued by the Brig-
adier-General at Meerut : —
" Found : — On the road to Bcgamabad, one
•303 Blank Cartridge. Apply to tho Station
Staff Officer, Moerut."
It is comforting to find one person who
is determined that the Army shall not
go short of ammunition, even if it ba
only blank.
286
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 14, 1915.
THE WATCH DOGS.
xv.
DEAR CHARLES, — Wo 'vo just paid a
g visit to the trenches. Having
nothing better to do, we made our way
to the place where the noise is and, in
batches, spent a couple of nights with
the Umpty Unipths in their eligible
residential villas known as Cheyne
Walk. To get there from the billets
you take the high road from Quest
quo c'est qiut ga to Cela va sans dire and
keep on with it until the machine guns
open up on your left flank. You then
tuko a sharp turn to the right, until you
observe the beam of a searchlight
playing across the field in front of you.
You then lie flat on the ground and
pretend you are not in Prance
at all, and when the searchlight
has come to the conclusion that,
wherever you are, you are not
worth bothering about, you get
up and go on, keeping the search-
light well on your right, the
machine gun well on your left,
and stepping decorously out of
the path of any sniper's bullet
which happens to be passing.
Proceeding quietly but quickly
along the line of least resist-
ance, you are suddenly con-
fronted by a figure emerging
from the dark, who tells you
to halt or he '11 fire. " Et tu,
Brute I " you murmur reproach-
fully, as you halt and wonder to
yourself why it is that you have
suddenly become so unpopular.
The figure says his name isn't
Brutus, but that he is come
from the trench to guide you to
it, and thereupon you throw
your arms round his neck, which
behind you fall into the same hole and
use the same suppressed but disgraceful
expression with regard to it.
" It is a scandal," you tell the guide
in an indignant whisper as you fix your
arms round his neck even more affec-
tionately than before, — " it is a scandal,
the shocking state of repair in which
French turnip fields are kept. Where
are the police, where the gendarmerie,
where the writers of letters to The
Times ? In an English field such holes
would never be allowed."
He explains that it isn't a hole, it 's a
trench, and may he have his neck to
himself for a hit ? You relax your hold
and examine the spot to which he has
brought you. Felicitating him upon
the ingenuity with which one tortuous
Elderly Knitting Enthusiast.
COULD YOU TELL MB WHAT
JELLIOOE TAKES?"
" EXCUSE ME, YOUNG MAN.
SIZE is BOCKS ADMIRAL
he takes to mean that you love him and
wish never to 'be parted from him. As
to the love, that all depends ; you '11 be
better able to say in the morning when
you "ve seen him in the daylight, but as
to the sticking together he is well on
the right side there.
"And now," you say, " what about
that trench? Shall we be getting on
towards it ? We love being out here in
the open, but we feel we oughtn't to
keep your friends sitting up all night
for us." He is inclined to be discursive
and to go through a list of the casualties
which have occurred at the very spot
whereon you stand. He then tells you
to follow him, and suddenly disappears.
Seeing that there are
lights and machine guns
now search -
in all di-
rections, it doesn't much matter which
road you take, so you go straight aher,d
and hope for the best and fear for the
worst and fall into a pit-hole and find
the guide. And one by one your men
ditch is made to combine the uses of a
roadway, a water-main, a sewer and a
home, you bid him good-night and hand
yourself over to the Captain. Having
introduced yourself to the Captain and
apologized for continuing to exist in
spite of the desire, apparently universal,
to get rid of you, you remark that this
is one of the most attractive and well-
aired trenches in
member making a
which you ever re-
bit of war. You
then go along with him to settle your
men in, only to find that they have
done this for themselves and are already
giving valuable advice to the occupants
of the place as to how trench-fighting
should, and will in future, be conducted.
The Captain then says that trenches
are all very well in their way, but dug-
puts are better, and you resort with
Mm to an elegant pig-sty round the
corner. You have not been there long
before his servant arrives with a cup
of tea; tin's is followed by a cup of
coffee; this is followed by a cup of
cocoa, and this is followed by a cup of
soup. If you pine for another cup of
cocoa, you have just got to go without,
because it is now getting on for dawn
and your cup (there is only one) is
required for your early morning tea.
You then settle down as best you can
to a wee drappie of whisky from a
flask (his) just to keep off your ravaging
thirst. And all the time the bullets
go pit-a-pat, and no one seems to care
as long as there 's water boiling for
the next brew.
Stepping down the trench to see the
sights, you discover the men employed
in the constant and reprehensible habit
of tea-drinking. The sentries lean
against the parapet with their backs to
you and appear as men who are
watching a dog-fight which has
lost for them all its excitement
but not all its interest. Every
now and then they loose off
their rifles into the dim beyond,
not in any real hope of hitting
anything, but just to show there
is ill-feeling. On most .nights
there is a gentleman opposite
who addresses our trench when
he comes on duty, "It is I, Fritz,
the Bunmaker of London. What
is the football news ? " They
shout out the latest information
and pass him over a couple of
bullets. This is no doubt be-
cause they recollect his buns,
over-priced and under-curranted.
He replies in kind, feeling per-
haps that he has already lost his
customer and may as well make
a proper job of it.
The rest of the day you spend
in admiring the legitimatehandi-
work of your own artillery and
regretting the inexcusable criminality of
the enemy's. You improve your trench,
you do a little sniping yourself, ad-
mittedly killing at least one Bosch with
every shot, and defeat the Captain time
after time at piquet. He is worried
by his responsibilities, you with the
thought that so sound a fellow should
have been tucked away in a Flanders
turnip field for so long. And that is
all there is about it.
Yours ever, HENRY.
" Speaking of the r61e of Spain in the present
war, Herr Ximmerman concluded the inter-
view with the following words: 'The triumph
of the Allies in the present war would defi-
nitely establish Anglo-French influence in tho
Siberian Peninsula. Consequently patriotic
Spaniards ought to range themselves on Ger-
many's side." — Exeter Express and Echo.
For fear, we suppose, lest the French
and English should exile them to the
other Peninsula — though not, of course,
with Dr. LYTTELTON'S approval.
Ai-uiL 14, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR TIIK LONDON CHAUIVAIM.
2S7
IN PLACE OF
THK wave of patriotic teetotalism
wliicli is washing over the country is
certain to bring out a new crop of those
non-alcoholic beverages which are so
far moro delightful and exhilarating than
the genuine articles which they counter-
feit. Already The Daily Mail, with its
encyclopaedic sagacity, has discovered
and made known to the world the secret
of the composition of the KINO'S barley-
. which, strange to say, is made
" by pouring boiling water on to the
barley." Next will come the alluring
substitutes.
Many years ago an abstainer's beer
was put on the market and puffed by a
Bishop in some such series of ecstatic
sentences as " It looks like beer ! It
tastes like beer ! It smells like beer !
Hut it is not beer!" That probably
will 1)0 the model for the new encomi-
asts. Thus : —
EECHABITE CLARET.
This wine, which has been prepared by
a famous chemist from a recipe of
liis own, is guaranteed to take the
place of the best French Bordeaux
wines. Absolutely non-alcoholic.
Made in two varieties : —
Chateau Cochineal
Chdteau Aniline .
per dozen 24s.
12s.
TESTIMONIAL.
The. Bishop of Soda and Man writes : — It
looks like claret. It is wet like claret. But
it certainly is not claret.
If you want the best whisky substitute
ask for " WILFY LAWSON."
Established over a hundred minutes
and still going strong.
THE FAVOURITE BRAND.
Absolutely non-stimulating.
No effects of any kind.
Good old " Wilfy Lawson " on every
bottle.
TESTIMONIAL.
PKAR Sins, — Your Wilfy Lawson Whisky
is perfect as a non-stimulant. I drank two
gallons yesterday, with my finger on my pulse
all the time, and it did not accelerate it in
the least.
(Signed) C. F. G. MASTEBMAN.
CINQUE POUT.
This glutinous and saccharine decoction
has been carefully prepared by some
of the ablest hands in the country to
meet a demand for a non-intoxicating
festive beverage during the War.
Highly economical, as no one can
take a second glass. When thrown
away makes excellent beetle destroyer.
Tho Cinque Ports, which are already
Volunteer Reservist (lioping to be contradicted). "I SHALL LOOK AN AWFUL FOOL in THIS
UNIFORM."
Tailor. "WELL, Sin, YOU CAN ALWAYS WEAR A MACKINTOSH."
famous, are put up in two forms of
bottle, with cobwebs and without.
Price (with cobivebs from the best
spiders) .... per dozen 60s.
Without cobwebs . . „ 12s.
TESTIMONIAL.
DEAR SIR, — The wedding of ray second
son last week was made memorable to all
present by a single bottle of your Cinquo Port.
Yours faithfully, ROSEBERY.
ALL THE BEST KNOWN BOTTLES !
Messrs. Gloster, the famous bottlers,
have arranged to meet popular tastes
by bottling pure Malvern water in
every kind of recognised wine bottles
— champagne, hock, claret, etc., with
the original labels intact. Consumers
will thus be complying with the new
and most laudable custom of teeto-
talism and yet be enjoying the illu-
sion of resorting to the best-stored
cellars for refreshment.
TESTIMONIAL.
DEAR SIR, — Please send another gross of
the 1904 Veuve Joyouse. Our dinner-parties
are a great success when these bottles grace
the board. (Signed) RANDALL CANTUAB.
PERSONAL.
Situation required as BUTLEB. Age
50. Highest references required.
Thorough knowledge of every kind of
water. — Apply, 5, Reservoir Gardens,
Bridgwater.
" The Sayer posted on Black List by Police
does not refer to \V. Sayer, Chimney Sweep,
7, Jarvis Street." — Adi't. in " Capt Times."
i In the circumstances some misappre-
; bension was perhaps pardonable.
288
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[Arnii, 14, 1915.
BLANCHE'S LETTERS.
A RECRUITING CAMPAIGN.
Curfew Hall,
Xr. I'ut'ldlebury Parva.
DEAREST DAPHNE, — I 've been put-
ting in a most strenuous Easter here!
When I invited a houseful of people I
uddi-d as a P.S., "N.B.— Kccrniiiii</."
And we 've worked like niggers. My
own success has been colossal. In the
nick/rut of khaki-coloured tailor-mades,
with a darling little semi-military cap
with a bunch of ribbons, just like a
real recruiting officer's, I 've made the
round of all the neighbouring villages —
Puddlebury Parva, Much Gapington,
and ever so many more, and have
pulled in recruits grandly I " Now," I
said to the young natives standing
about the village streets, "you boys
have got to leave your hedging or your
digging, or whatever it is you do, and
offer yourselves to your country. I 'm
quite quite sure big, strong, brave fel-
lows like you aren't going to stand by
while other men do your fighting for
you ! So come along with me at once
to the recruiting-office 1 " And they
shuffled about and gurgled in their
throats and nudged each other and
grinned — but they came along !
If you 've done nothing of this kind,
my Daphne, you can't imagine what a
comfy little thrill it gives one to feel
one 's been the means of turning a
slouch and a cloth-cap and a gurgle
into a brisk soldier-laddie ! The fly in
the ointment has been that Beryl and
Babs would persist in claiming some of
my recruits as theirs. Things might
have got a bit difficult, only I was very
forbearing with them. " What 's it
matter who pulls them in so long as
they are pulled in?" I said. "Though
at the same time you must both know
in your hearts that I 've got quite three
times as many as either of you."
In the evenings we 've been giving
little recruiting concerts in the various
villages ; charming little affairs, with a
recruiting-office at the side of the plat-
form, and the best seats given to those
who went and offered themselves before
Ihe concert began. I sang patriotic
songs, draped in a flag. Beryl and
Babs gave a fencing turn. Clarges
gave his " Farmyard Imitations."
don't say that 1 should have known
what animals he was imitating, but he
told us each time, so that was all right.
The Rector of Much Gapington, a dear
man with quite a little reputation as
an amateur conjurer, did some of his
most wonderful tricks, and, though his
hand certainly seemed a little out once
or twice and he dropped several things
that weren't meant to be dropped,
everybody was delighted. Popsy, Lady
Ramsgate, in a soft muslin frock with
a red-white-and-blue sash and her hair
in ringlets, read a long interesting letter
from her grandson, Pegwell, at the
Front.
But the plat de resistance was Norty's
Adventures of a Flying Man in War
Time."
He 's a flight-commander now, and
was my guest of honour while his
Easter leave lasted ; but oh ! my dear
'riend, what do you, do you think?
When I first saw him I shrieked and
iad to have bromide and veronal. He 's
Trown a (I feel as if I couldn't write
t !) . — a beard, Daphne ! I "I knew
you 'd jib at it, Blanche," he said, " but
?oing up so high we have to grow "em.
Knitting's not good enough. Flying
men must grow their own mufflers.
[ promise you, however, that I '11 shave
t off again when the War's over."
' When the War 's over ! " I screamed.
' By that time the horrible thing will
be down to your waist, and I '11 be dead
of a broken heart ! " And then Beryl
weighed in with one of her veiy own
speeches : " I thought you liked beards,
dear Blanche. Your husband wears
one." I kept calm. "It happens to
suit Josiah," was all I said.
By the way, Josiah is really beginning
to come home at last now that the seas
are clear down there. His adventures,
my dear, since he went away last July
to look after rubber concessions at
the other end of the world 1 A little
trading vessel on which he made one
of his efforts to come back caught fire,
and they all took to the boats, and
Josiah was in a small one by himself,
and he drifted on till he came to an
island that's not on any map, and
there he 's been living among palms
and cocoa-nuts and natives and fearful
things of that kind, and he never knew
from one day to another whether they
would end by eating him or making
him their king (he 's not sure which
would have been the worse fate !). As
far as I can make out his writing, he
calls them the Boldoreens. They are
about the only real, old-fashioned
natives left anywhere now ! Their hair
is long and stiff and stands straight up
from their heads ; their dress consists
of a little sea-weed (which sounds dis-
tinctly charming for a summer toilette),
and their money is the leaves of a
particular sort of bush. They 're quite
nice and kind till you offend them, and
then they eat you ! The fact that
Josiah is able to come back proves that
ho has more tact than 1 gave him
credit for. Daily Thrills and Daily
Tidings have both cabled him asking
for exclusive rights in the Boldoreens
and his adventures. They 've even
been to see me, and when I let out that
Josiah has secured a photo of the Head
Boldereen the Daily Thrills' man be-
came almost rabid ! I 'vo already
arranged a series of " Social Lecture-
Chats " - Thursdays in May — Har-
monic Hall — a song or two — tea and
coffee — and Josiah to tell about the
Boldoreens to a soft, running piano
accompaniment. Tickets, five shillings
iach, the money to go to the War funds.
I feel sure it will be a big thing, and
will fetch ccs autres in crowds.
D'you know, my dearest, I don't
consider that women's wits are being
sufficiently used in this War. I don't
claim that we ought to have a hand in
strategy and large things of that kind,
or that we're able to make great big
inventions (like Lord Newton, you
know, who first thought of locomo-
tives througli seeing an apple fall off
a tree), but I do claim that some of us
are very sharp and think of quite a
number of things. You guess what 's
coming? Yes, your Blanche has
thought of something — something
that would end this wretched block-
ade in a few days ! Let some ships
go out trailing things that would act
as magnets to submarines, so that they
would fly to them and stick to them in
spite of themselves. Then let the ships
come back to port with a lot of U-boats
stuck fast to the magnets — et voild I
Of course the point is to find out just
what would act as a magnet to sub-
marines (Norty suggested a lump of
copper or a bag of iron crosses, but
that was only par plaisanterie). Any-
how, I shall lay my idea before the
Admiralty, and leave them to find out
the right kind of magnet.
Ever thine, BLANCHE.
P.S. — The new skirt has revived a
lost art. Before I left town Fallalerie's
was crowded every afternoon with
people learning to walk again. I got
hold of it quicker than any of them.
Imaginez-vous, m'amie ! After a course
of only twelve lessons I could actually
take a step several inches long.
MORE THOROUGHNESS.
[The value of the stinging nettle as a
vegetable is being emphasised in German
War cookery notes.]
YES, let the nettle's leaves appear,
Most succulently fine,
Each evening with the supper beer,
Each noontide when you dine ;
For then, whene'er that charming thing,
Your Hymn of Hate, is sung,
They '11 surely lend an added sting
To every Teuton tongue.
How to Help England.
" SEVERAL LADIES REQUIRED to assist in
organising very smart, nc-w Ladies' Club."
Advt. in " Tlie Times."
APRIL 14, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
"V«
THE COIMTI1MENTAL MANNER.
A KUMBEB OF BniTisn NAVVIES HAVB BEEN BEST 10 TUB COHTIHEST 10 DIQ IBESCHES. Tma is THE KISD OP THIXG THAT
UTJST EXPECT ViHEX THEY EETOMJ.
290
PUNCH, Oil THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 14, 1915.
"LOOK, DAD! THERE'S SOMEONE SALUTING. On, I FOBGOT, THOUGH; YOU DON'T BETUBN CIVILIAN SALUTES, DO you?"
THE INWARD MOVEMENT IN DRAMA.
THE next masterpiece to be given by
the Dramatic Delvers' Society on
Sunday evening will be Dyspepsia, a
Tragedy in Three Acts, of which those
who know speak remarkably highly.
The scene, somewhat Venetian in
character, is laid " on the alimentary
canal of an epicure," and the characters
represent various foods, etc., consumed
by him during a heavy meal. A strong
cast has been engaged, amongst them
Miss HILDA TEEVELYAN, who will ap-
pear in the somewhat Wendyish part of
Pepsine, a little Peacemaker, We gather
that the efforts of this benevolent per-
sonage are unsuccessful, as in the Third
Act we are promised a highly sensa-
tional scene in which Curried Lobster
(Mr. FRED TEHBY) conspires with Pechc
Melba (Miss MIRIAM LEWIS) to stir the
other characters to revolution.
The full cast of Out of the Pit, the
new Mental Mystery to be produced at
the Court Theatre, is now settled. It
should be noted that the entire action
takes place in the brain of a man who
is seated in the back row of the pit of
a theatre at a performance of this kind
of play ; the chief characters being : —
Darkness. Mr. H. B. IRVING.
A Sense of Insufficient Elbow-room.
Mr. FEED LEWIS.
An Aroma of Orange-peel. Miss MABEL
RUSSELL.
The Pride of the Lady who Will Not
Remove her Hat. Miss KATE SERJEANT-
SON.
A Belief that Originality may be Car-
ried Too Far. Mr. BOUECHIEE.
A Grooving Sense of having Wasted
Half-a-crown. Mr. ALFEED LESTEE.
"PARIS HERSELF AGAIN.
Till recently the Invalides, whore the war
trophies are on exhibition, was the only
museum open to sightseers. On Saturday
the useum of ecorative Art installed in the
ouvre pavilions was opened.
Partial reopening of the uxembourg is
announced for this week." — Evening News.
The heading is a trifle optimistic.
There are still apparently some initial
difficulties to be adjusted.
" Strikers Wanted immediately for Govern-
ment work." — Birmingham Daily Mail.
Eecent pronouncements by Lord KIT-
CHENER and other members of the
Government had given the impression
that there was no overwhelming de-
mand for this class of workman.
MR. PUNCH'S APPEAL FOR BILC3AH
SOLDIERS.
7, Northumberland Avenue, W.C.
DEAE ME. PUNCH, — In response to
the appeal which you were kind enough
to publish on behalf of the Belgian
Soldiers, we have received very many
cheques from England, France, Switzer-
land, Italy, Canada, India, the United
States, etc.
I thank you most heartily, and would
be glad if you would convey my thanks
to your many generous readers, advising
them that a list of the sums received
is published in the Independence Beige.
Yours faithfully,
(Signed) EMILE VANDEEVELDE,
Minister of State.
Grave News from China.
" The following telegram from the Chief of
General Staff, Delhi, has been recaivod by the
German Officer Commanding in Hongkong : —
Delhi, Feb. 11, 8.41 p.m.
Situation in India continues to bo generally
satisfactory. Frontier remains quiet."
South China Morning Post.
The situation in India may be all right,
but what about the situation in China,
with the Germans in occupation of
Hong Kong ?
ITNCJII. Olt TIIK LONDON CHARIVARI.— APRIL 14, 1915.
THE ENEMY'S ALLY.
APRIL 14, 1915.]
PUNCH, .OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
293
-.'•:. s
The Aunt. " I SHALT. CERTAINLY VOLUNTEEB TO DO MEN'S WOHK.
The Niece. " I KNOW, AUNT. Go AS A BUTLER."
BUT THE POSITION MUST BE A DIGNIFIED ONE."
LIFE-SAVING AT SEA.
THE publication of a Navy Supple-
ment in his present issue furnishes
Mr. Punch with an excuse for appeal-
ing on behalf of a cause — closely asso-
ciated with our sea-service — which is
liable to be overlooked among the many
claims that the War makes upon his
readers. It is the cause of the Eoyal
National Life-boat Association. The
extinction of lights and beacons, the
removal of buoys, and the presence in
many unascertained spots of floating
mines have enormously increased the
dangers to shipping and added yet
further risks to the hazardous work of
our Life-boatmen. Since the beginning
of the War our Life-boats have on over
CO occasions rendered service to Cruisers,
Torpedo Boats, Military Transports,
Mine Sweepers, Submarines, etc., and
216 lives were saved from these vessels
up to the end of last year. The
assistance given to the hospital-ship
Bohilla involved the complete loss of
one Life-boat and serious damage to
three others. The total additional cost
up to the 31st of December amounted
to over £6,000. No grant whatever is
received from the Government, and the
whole work of the Life-boat Institution,
entailing an expenditure of about
£112,000 a year, is supported entirely
by Voluntary Contributions.
Subscriptions, greatly needed, should
be addressed to The Eoyal National
Life-boat Institution, 22, Charing Cross
Road, London, W.C.
How History is Written.
" A number of poor children, some of them
shoeless, had got on to the pavement outside
the awning, and as Queen Alexandra ap-
proached they pushed their heads under the
canvas to get a better view. Her Majesty was
much amused, and, stooping down, patted
some of the heads." — Times.
"As soon as Queen Alexandra arrived she
noticed some little dogs poking their heads
under the awning, and she laughed and stooped
down to pat them." — Evening News.
Personally we prefer The Times' version
of the incident.
The CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER
says that there is nearly as much
alcohol in ginger-ale as in light beer.
Clearly dolus latct in gingcralibus 1
DAWN
(By our Spring Poet.)
THE moon, dismantled and forlorn,
Down to the nadir drops ;
The amber oritiamme of morn
Flaunts on the mountain tops ;
And sybaritic airs that come
From far translunar shores
Bring wafts of fragrant galbanum
And melting madrepores.
The catkin warbles in the brake,
The pipit pours its lay ;
The polyanthus seems to make
Perpetual holiday ;
The owl his limber jerkin dons
To brave the heats of noon,
And panoplied in living bronzo
Darts o'er the dim lagoon.
Lithe caterpillars gently toss
Their velvet curves on high,
And lend a choriambic gloss
To nature's revelry ;
While rhadamanthine shapes afloat
In fields of asphodel
From holophote to holophote
Proclaim that all is well.
294
rUNCII, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
14, 1915.
THE DURATION OF THE PEACE.
(With acknoiclrdiiments to Mr. HILAIRK
BXLLOO.)
THE first question which every one
naturally asks his favourite, ornclo about
the present political truce, is: How long
is it likely "to last? Before entering
upon this subject, however, let me utter
:•. word of warning. To attempt to state them.
ate the duration of any peace
whatever is folly, •unless yon arc. the,
lic/lii/i'ivnt icho puts >in /'in! to it. This
is a lolly into which European countries,
with the exception of Germany, very
conspicuously fell last year. There is
No
the
no reason why we should imitate their
errors by suggesting any period as the
"end" of this state of peace.
hazardous conclusion at all upon
sulyect will therefore be attempted.
The doubt that at once
occurs is this. If the
matter is not susceptible of
calculation ; if the vaguest
attempt at prophecy is
gratuitous folly ; °nd if
even the wildest guess-
work has no finality, is
the subject really suitable
for discussion in these
columns?
Now in the first place
there is all the difference
in the world between dis-
cussing a matter and reach-
ing any conclusion upon it.
All I am 'trying to do in
these notes is to indicate
a critical moment, round
or about or after which
period, if hostilities begin
again, the end of peace
will be in sight, though even after this
disaster a stateof truce might technically
remain. In order to do this, I am com-
pelled to reiterate arguments which I
have used so often before that I am
almost ashamed to recur to them, but I
feel that italicised insistence on the
obvious can create an effect wben no-
thing else can.
Moreover I hope to show that, as the
end of the winter is now at hand, and
as that moment coincides with the be-
ginning of spring, when unexpected
accidents might conceivably happen,
the days through which we are now
passing are exactly the right time to fill
in with indeterminate discussions.
Before proceeding to my calculations,
however, two really relevant topics
must first be eliminated. There is the
improbable contingency that the Allies
might unexpectedly declare peace, and
the only less improbable contingency
that the Government, in its desire for
efficiency, might take the Opposition to
its bosom in a Coalition Ministry. If
either of these in admitted, the discussion
must at once cease ; otherwise it can
continue till the point of exhaustion is
reached.
If wo eliminate these disturbing
factors there remain two great alterna-
tives. Either one of the opponents will
hrenk the truce, or the. truce will continue.
I dogmatise upon neither, I merely
It is only in the second
alternative that any plausible pretext
for discussing the duration of the peace
can bo offered. To resolve the Oppo-
sition into its elements is too simple.
It loads nowhere. Let us then make,
in the fullest possible detail, a broad
survey of all even remotely connected
side-issues, based upon the widest and
vaguest generalizations.
1. — There is first the complete con-
fidence of human nature in the certitude
"PLEASE WILL YEB DO US
BIBFDAY? "
BIT O1 DBILL, Sin, 'COS IT
or rather the necessity of its own right
judgment ; and the presumption that
master strokes of strategy and politics !
will constantly occur to private mem- j
bers which would never cross the minds
of our statesmen or generals. I adduce
no evidence for this; I have heard it
and I believe it.
2. — There is secondly our knowledge
no one living out of an Irish atmo-
sphere can foresee. Further, there is
the question, Will that monument of
art and treasure of antiquity, the
Eisteddfod, lure the Welsh to sacrifice
a cherished plan of campaign, or will it
incline them buoyantly to resume the
offensive ?
With regard to the first let us dis-
ahuse our minds of the falsehood that
criticism proceeds not from emotion,
hut from reasoned judgment. Manias
are the most potent and least doubtful
of all the motives which affect us in
this country; hence those extraordinary
proposals, reiterated for some mystic
and incalculable reason, which reappear
at regular intervals. The judicial mind
may be dismissed as a legal fiction.
But Conscriptionists are a reality ; so
are retired Admirals ; so are Whole-
Hoggers and Spy-hunters
and Aniline-Dyers ; and
so is the fact that the
natural life of this Parlia-
ment comes to an end after
another six months. More-
over grievances cannot
withstand the process of
" accretion " for more than
a certain time at a certain
rate, whatever their ori-
ginal magnitude.
To sum up, then, if we
consider only the ele-
ment of unemployed
superiority, and the strain
imposed by time, the argu-
ment would seem to
point to a peace of shorter
rather than of longer
duration.
But this is only one line
of argument. I propose to show that
it is entirely stultified by the other
two, with which I hope to deal at
length next week.
A GENUINE ANTIQUE.
[Messrs. CHRISTIE are holding a sale of Art
u treasures and historical relics in aid of the
of the character of Labour and Capital I funds of the British Red Cross Society and
~ •• •' '' the Order of St. John.]
OUT yonder where the Eeaper grim
and grey
Sweeps o'er bare fields that held last
Autumn's corn,
Brave souls uplift the stricken and
forlorn,
And bind their wounds and nurse them
hack to day.
Here where no skies with imminent
horrors shriek,
Collectors bring their treasures with
glad heart,
For Love has ever been an ancient
art,
And Mercy is a genuine antique.
Both these are psychological factors ] '
which provoke continual, though, alas !
restricted discussion.
3. — There is thirdly the element of
Geography. This must be expressed in
terms of Celt and Cymry. The number
of Irish Members who are in the flower
of what is generally but very loosely
termed their "fighting age" can only
bo determined by eliminating those
who are dead or mad or run over by
traction engines. Whatever their mood
to-day, or the chance of its changing
to-morrow, the only certainty is that
something unexpected may be con-
fidently anticipated, but what it will be
APRIL 14, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAKr.
295
THE SUFFERINGS OF SHAW.
f According to tho author of a new book on
ITS, Mr. BKHNAHD SHAW, liko tho
At.htMiiaii philosopher, is an intcllcctiiulisl
"crimo is ideas" and whoso " pro-
foundly moral aim" is misunderstood by the
liritish buiirycoisii' . }
How strange it is that modern scribes,
obsessc<l
By slight and superficial similarities,
Should damnify our goodliest and best,
By disregarding radical disparities;
Till, waxing wanton in their futile
quest
Of parallels to obsolete barbarities,
They add tho final and back-breaking
straw
By linking SOCRATES with BERNARD
SlIAW.
Old Soc., benighted soul, had never
learned
To keep tho soldier on his proper
plane,
As one who in all history has earned
The meed of intellectual disdain ;
Nay worse, himself with martial zeal
had burned
And served the State in many a hard
campaign,
Content at Athens' call to shed his
blood
Instead of pelting her with well-aimed
mud.
His nose was snub, his features blunt
and rough,
His figure was uncouth, his legs
were bandy ;
He was not fit to photo in the buff — •
The latest foible of the super-dandy ;
He did not dress in hygienic stuff
Or live on cocoa, beans and sugar
candy ;
He never owned a car, and when it
froze
Walked cheerfully upon his ten bare
toes.
He never wrote a novel or a play,
Though other playwrights pitilessly
guyed him ;
He never boomed himself, but lives
to-day
Because a certain PLATO glorified him
(As BACON in his self-effacing way
Allowed a pushing mime to override
him) ;
But all the time tho actual Simon Pure
\Y;is commonplace, illiterate and
obscure.
He taught philosophy, but took no
fees ;
He wrote no tracts in praise of
hostile nations ;
Abstemious as a rule, he could with
ease
Compete in the amount of his
potations
With gilded rakes like ALCIHIADES
"JEST 'OP UP THAT LADDER, JlM, AND SEE IP SHE'S SAFE."
"NOT ME, WHEN I CAN QO TO THE FRONT AN1 OIT ALL THE BISKS I WANT — WTV GLORY I "
And other partners of his dissi-
pations—
Men of a stamp whom simple, high-
toned Fabians
Would rank with Bantus or with
Bessarabians.
Then SOCRATES was tried upon a charge
Of teaching youths in wickedness to
wallow,
And hustled hurriedly on Charon's
barge,
Thanks to the hemlock which they
made him swallow ;
While Mr. SHAW is very much at large
And wholly free his noble aims to
follow,
Which, though traduced by certain
sons of sin,
Are properly respected in Berlin.
But why pollute a vital modern pago
With problems fit for musty anti-
quarians ?
Why desecrate the greatest living sage
By linking him with obsolete bar-
barians ?
Eather let us with pious zeal engage
In homage to the Prince of Vege-
tarians,
And thank our stars that, as the Huns
have written,
One upright man remains in blighted
Britain.
Mr. LLOYD GEORGE to the Ship-
builders' Deputation regarding the
Drink, 29th March :—
' ' I was glad from that point of view, but
only from that point of view, that Mr. Hender-
son stated quite clearly at the start that there
were no teetotalers amongst you."
A distressing sequel is found in the
following extract from The North Mail,
1st April : —
" When a reporter sought fora further reply
from shipyard managers yesterday he found
them all sitting tight."
296
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
14, 1915.
WAR-TIME VIGNETTES.
CHE/, LE
I HAD entrusted Madamo Olive with
my precious snapshots. She was the
only photographer in Dunkirk who
would promise to develop them tout-
tie suite. When I called at the shop I
found tho little birdliko creature the
centre of a clamorous crowd. Madame
was talking hurriedly in a high-pitched
voice. " Oui, oui, it will ho ready in-
stantly." " But I must have it now,"
urged a uniformed official. " It is for
my carte d'idenlild and I have a
train to catch." " Oui, oui, dans un
instant."
" Where are my proofs ? They were
promised a fortnight ago." " 1 will
send them round to you, Mademoiselle."
"So you said yesterday — no, I'll
wait here." " '1'res lien, tres bien." " O&
sont nos portraits ? " two old souls
asked simultaneously. " Are my films
ready ? " I ventured. " Oui, oui, come
down and look at them." Madame
seized the opportunity to escape. She
drew aside a curtain that divided tho
studio from tho shop. A photographer
was posing a workman against a hack-
ground representing the Garden of Ver-
sailles. Tho man was leaning against
a waterfall and facing the camera with
a beatific smile. Madame disappeared
through the minutest of doors down a
spiral staircase. "This way," she
cried, and led me into a cupboard.
"This is my developing room — look,
I have all these plates to develop."
" Show me my films," I urged. " But
I 'm just going to do them. Oh where
— oh where did I put your kodak ? "
" But you said they would be done."
" How could they be done ? You saw
how many people were in the shop.
Now I wonder what I did with it? It
can't have been your kodak that fell
down the stairs. Ah, no, here it is.
Now I switch on the red light. There,
you see, I put them in the liquid and
work them about."
" Madame, madame," came a voice
from beyond, " Monsieur wants his
picture for his carle d'identite." " Yes,
yes, tell him it will be ready in a
minute. Where is the plate?" "It
is in the little yellow box." " Tres bien,
tres bien; I wonder what has happened
to that yellow box? There, now, I
leave your films to soak whilst I do
some others. See, here is a picture of
Granny and Grandpa. It's a pity
she 's so blurry, and it would have been
better if his other shoulder had been in
the picture. They should have stood
in tho centre instead of one at each
edge. But then they 'vo been married
a long time. Engaged couples are
different."
" Maihinio, madame, Monsieur is get-
ting impatient for his carte d'identite."
" Toll him it 's just being finished. Oh
dear, oh dear, whore can it be? " " In
the little yellow box, Madame." "But
where is the little yellow box? All,
iiwn Dicu, mon Dieu, what a life ! There,
look, yours are coming out. They are
going to bo excellent. Look at this
lady. She's dreadfully smudged — did
you ever sea such a face ? She '11 be
furious; but in war-time — que voulez-
vom ? " " Madame, madamo, the carte
d'identite." " Ah, mon Dicu, mon Dien,
there they are again. Why can't ho
bo patient? Where is tho yellow box ?
Parblcu, it 's in my pocket. Tell him
you are bringing it up. There, if that
isn't vexing; there's something wrong
with tho plate. He '11 have to be done
again ; nobody could possibly recognise
Ijirn. Ah, but then it's only for his
carte d'idcntite. What, he says his train
has gone? Oh, well, he can have an-
other sitting. Ho won't ? Well, as long
as ho 's satisfied."
" I 'd rather develop the photos down
here than interview the people up-
stairs," I remarked. " Yes, yes, they
are so exigent. If you leave your films
till to-morrow I will print you some
copies." Madame seized the tray and
we went back into the shop. A new-
comer, a sullen and terribly stout
woman, had taken her place by the
counter. " I have come for my enlarge-
ment," she grunted. " Oui, oui, Ma-
dame— it's not back from Paris."
"You've had it four months." " Que
voulez-vous, Madame ? C'cst la guerre."
"Where is the original?" "Some-
where hero in the shop." " But how
can they do the enlargement in Paris
if the original is here ? " " Oh, Madame,
I really can't explain — you wouldn't
understand if I did." " I '11 never come
here again. I only came because my
family recommended me to come."
"Ah, vous voyez — we have always
given them satisfaction. Are we to
blame for the War? Madame here of
the Croix Eouge will tell you how im-
possible it is to get anything from
Paris." "Yes," I assented, "it would
be difficult at present to get you en-
larged." " Qu'est-ce que, je vous ai dit ?
and you wouldn't believe me." Ma-
dame cast an indignant glance at the
fat one, who waddled resentfully out of
tho shop.
She collided in the doorway -with a
young woman, and after some mutual
recriminations Madame was again
faced by an angry customer. This time
it was a young washerwoman with a
brick-red face and a shawl drawn across
her ample chest. " You have given
mon mari the wrong bebe — this is not
my little Albert — it is some wretched
little girl." " Indeed it isn't," Madame
objected strenuously ; " it is your little
Albert; he wouldn't stay quiet — que
voulez-vous ? — his face is a little hazy."
" I tell you it isn't my Albert ; he has a
curly head." " Well, it was straight
when ho came here last week. I re-
member quite \voll saying to your mari
it was a pity his hair didn't curl."
"But (he dress — I tell you Albert was
breeched." Madame lifted her eyebrows
with an air of exasperation. " What
have 1 to do with that? The kodak
tells no lies ; but if you are dissatisfied
cherchcz vous-mcme." She handed a
large drawerful of postcard photo-
graphs to the mother. The woman
fingered them eagerly, pulling out all
tho pictures of babies and putting them
on one sido. " La, la, 1 have found my
bebc," she cried. " Qu'est-ce que je
voits ai dit ? The other was not my
Albert." She hurried out, clutching a
picture-postcard. Madamo shrugged
her shoulders. " They generally choose
that one," she said. " It is the picture
of my little nephew Charles. Her little
Albert's plato was broken. Mais qu'cst-
ca qu'on pcut ? C'cst la guerre. Come
back to-morrow, Madame, and I will
have your pictures printed for you."
The next day was Sunday. The shop
was crowded with people disputing
their turn to bo photographed. The
girl behind the counter turned a tearful
face to me. " I '11 never give them
numbers again," she said. " I don't
care how muddled they get; Madame
blames mo quite unfairly." " Can you
give me my films?" I interposed
meekly. "It's not fair," she sniffled;
" that marine was number 54 and —
I turned to Madame. " You promised
to print me some copies." " Marie,
Marie, what have you dono with the
films of Madamo of the Croix Eouge? "
Marie began hastily to search the
drawer. " Js this it ? " she asked, show-
ing me a picture of two burly soldiers
arm-in-arm. I shook my head. " I
think it must be yours," declared
Madame. "But my snapshots were
views," I objected. " One neve"r knows
how things will turn out with ama-
teurs," said Madame. " Don't you re-
member wo looked at the films together
yesterday ? Thero was one of the
market-place and one of " Madame
scratched her head in perplexity. " Ah,
mon Dicu, mon Dieu," she exclaimed
suddenly, " it was your films that fell
down the drain-pipe when they were
hanging out to dry. I 'm so desolce,
mais vous savez they were not very good,
and another time •" " My beautiful
films gone!" 1 cried in dismay. Madame
gave me a reproachful look. " Qu'est-
ce que je jieux, Madame ? " she cried.
" C'est La guerre."
14, 191;-.. I
PUNCH, OH THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
297
Sympathetic Slacker to wounded Tommy. "YES, OLD MAN, THE SUDDEN SHOCK MUST HAVE BEEN ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLH. I KNOW
Tin: SORT OP THINO. ONLY LAST NIOHT A CARELESS BLIGHTER GAVE ME A BEASTLY KNOCK ON TUB KOSB WITH HIS BILLIARD-CUB.
IIoltlUD SHOCK. I CAN SYMPATHISE WITH YOU ! "
PUTTEES.
" PUTTEES," I said to Shopwalker
No. 1, who had bowed himself into a
note of interrogation.
" Puttees," shouted Shopwalker No. 1.
" Puttees," said Shopwalker No. 2.
" Puttees," Shopwalker No. 3 whis-
pered confidentially into my ear. He
Icil me by devious routes to a place
bristling with military trimmings.
" Puttees," shouted Shopwalker No. 3
in a voice that brought me instinctively
to attention and caused a timid-looking
man to drop six boxes of boots. These
shopwalkers ought to be at the Front.
They would be invaluable as connecting
files.
" Puttees? " murmured the timid man.
" Puttees is the word, and I said it
first — the tilings you twist on to your
legs," I said.
" That would be puttees, Sir. What
price? "
" Are there different prices for
puttoes ? ' '
" From tsvo shillings to twelve-and-
six."
"What makes the difference?"
" The quality and the shape. There
are straight puttees and spiral puttees."
This didn't sound altogether un-
reasonable, as different people have
different shaped calves. However, no
man's calves — not even Bailey's — are
entirely straight or wholly spiral, so I
said, " I think that I would like some-
thing between the two to suit a normal
leg."
" It isn't so much the shape of the
leg as the shape of the puttees that
matters. I 'm afraid tbere 's no inter-
mediate shape."
" I suppose both shapes go on ? "
" Yes, they both go on," he said
hesitatingly ; " and they do say that the
spiral ones stay on. I don't rightly
know — I don't profess to understand
puttees — I 'm really a boot man. I see
our Expert is disengaged now, he will
talk puttees to you."
The Expert told me all about puttees.
I didn't understand any of it then and
I don't understand all of it now. I
gathered that puttees aren't the simple-
minded things they look, and that I
had better purchase the more expensive
and amenable kind, known as the
spiral. I had no wish to be parsi-
monious over the finishing touches to
my uniform, so I agreed to the man's
suggestion.
" What colour? " asked the Expert.
" The pretty greeny-greyish tint that
is so much in vogue with the Volun-
teers."
" I 'm sorry, we 're out of the spirals
in that colour. I 'vo just sold the last
pair, and there isn't another pair to be
bought in London."
"Is there any chance of the khaki
colour fading to our tint ? "
" Our puttees do not fade."
I knew that if my legs were the
wrong colour they would catch the eye
of the Sergeant-Major and I should be
in perpetual trouble ; yet I misdoubted
the straight variety and tried to com-
promise. " I '11 take one of the two-
shilling straight kind, and if I get on
with it all right I '11 come back and buy
its mate."
" We only sell them in pairs."
I offered to recommend the odd one
to a one-legged man of my acquaint-
ance if I didn't want it, but he wouldn't
break the set.
In the end I bought a straight pair
and have lost about five pounds' weight
in consequence. If nature had known
when she set up in business that the
object of man's legs was to support
puttees, she would have put the thicker
298
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APEIL 14, 1915.
part (if tlii! leg ut tho lower end. She
would have had to sacrifice a certain
amount of elegance to utility, but, as it
i-i, she has done that in some cases,
though Bailey won't admit it. I don't
Miggost that my puttees would look
neat if 1 wero to wear my legs tho
wrong way up, hut I do think that
the puttees would stand more chance
of staying up and that the bulgy parts
would" he more useful for carrying my
lunch, gloves and cigarettes.
The Expert told mo that I ought to
(urn tho things over like a bandage.
I 've been practising it and have dis-
covered why so many military men
marry hospital nurses. Up to date my
record is two-and-a-half twists before I
drop the coiled-up end. I 've missed
the last three Sunday parades owing to
puttee troubles. I got up extra early
last Sunday and had ten goes before I
lost my train.
I 've consulted tho Sergeant-major,
and he says if I don't care to wear my
puttees round my ankles like the other
men I must stay off parade. I 've
tried to get permission to wear a pair
of pants painted with a spiral dado or
frieze to look like puttees, but this has
been ruled out of order. However,
there's a rumour that the Adjutant's
wife is going to start puttee classes,
so all may yet be well.
THE LABYRINTH.
FOR some weeks I had been feeling
anxious about Peters. A man of
sanguine temperament, he had, though
unmarried, always preserved till a short
time ago a singularly cheerful outlook
on existence. But about the beginning
of the year a change came over him.
He grew silent and preoccupied.
Frequently he travelled down from
Town with the rest of us without so
much as opening his mouth, he who
had been the life and soul of the 5.30.
His cheeks, too, lost their rosy colour,
and his clothes began to look as if they
had been made for somebody else.
The climax came when I saw him
one evening, in a tit of deeper abstrac-
tion than usual, attempt to enter the
guard's van at Liverpool Street in
mistake for his own compartment.
The guard took him gently by the arm
and led him to where I was seated, as
it chanced, alone.
" This is your carriage, Sir."
Peters woke from his reverie. " Ah,
yes, of course," he said, " my mistake,
good of you, I'm sure;" and
taking a sovereign from his pocket he
pn^rd it, into the guard's hand. The
latter started, but, regaining in an
instant tho admirable self-possession
which characterises the more respons-
ible of our railway officials, reverently
touched his hat and walked away.
The incident shocked me ; obviously
there was something very wrong with
Peters. As soon as we were clear of
the station I asked him point blank
what was the matter. He turned a
dull eye upon me and for a moment or
two made no reply. Then he said in
a strained voice, " Come round to my
house to-night and 1 will tell you."
We finished the journey in silence.
" I 'in glad you have come," said
Peters at 9.30. " I couldn't have gone
on much longer without speaking to
someone about it." As he leaned
forwards over the fire I noticed with
pain the pallor of his face and the
nervous twitching of his hands.
" When the War broke out," he went
on after a short pause, " I tried to join
the army, but they ploughed me in the
sight test, though I read the card with-
out a hitch."
" But that 's absurd ! " I exclaimed.
He smiled sadly. " It was just bad
luck. Carruthers had passed very
successfully in the morning, and as I
knew he could see through a brick wall
I had asked him to memorise the letters
for me. Unfortunately they changed
the target in the afternoon. It was a
low thing to do, but, at any rate, it
settled me. Somehow or other, though,
I couldn't get back again into the old
groove. I wanted to be actually doing
something, you understand. I didn't
care what it was so long as it was
something. Finally I wrote and con-
sulted my brother-in-law, who is a
parson in Bradford. He sent me back
by return two pounds of grey wool,
four bone needles and a book called
The Knitter's Companion."
He stopped and gazed moodily into
the fire for a few seconds. " How I
cursed that book ! Mind you, I don't
blame my brother-in-law. He has
spent the whole of his life in a town
where the inhabitants breathe wool
from the cradle and are inured to
knitting of the most intricate designs.
Probably he never realised the danger
to which he was exposing me. He
wrote : ' Try pattern Number 29 first,
and send to me when completed. I
will add it to our next monthly parcel
for the troops.' I turned up Number 29.
It was an airman's helmet. The printed
directions said, ' Cast on 156.' It
seemed a simple thing to do, hut though
I read the whole book through I could
discover no instructions on the point.
Next day I bought in Oxford Street
a little volume entitled, How to Knit,
by One who has done it. I studied
this for three nights, and a week later
had cast on 156. That was the
beginning of the end.
" Thenext direction was, ' Knit 12 rows
plain.' This I managed fairly well,
though when I got to the 12th row I
found only 95 stitches on the needles.
Then the book said, ' 13, knit 3, purl 2;
14, knit 2, purl 3 ; 15, knit plain row ;
16, knit purl row ; repeat the last 4 rows
8 times, decreasing at beginning and
end of every 4th row and being careful
to keep the pattern straight.' Since
then my life has been a hideous dream.
I would not give in. Night after night
I locked myself in this room and
struggled with it, and night after night
the thing grew. What it was growing
into I dared not guess, hut it never had
the appearance of a helmet. At last it
began to frighten me, and to avoid
looking at it I pinned brown-paper over
the part I had finished.
One evening, just a week ago, the
paper became unfastened and I saw
what I had done. I ran upstairs with
it, threw it inside the spare bedroom
and locked the door on it. Ever since
then I have been trying to brace myself
to fetch it down again, but I cannot."
I stood up. " Give me the key of
the spare bedroom," I said. He felt in
his pocket, handed it to me and shrank
back into his chair.
"Don't bring it down," he entreated;
" I can't face it to-night."
I went upstairs and unlocked the
spare bedroom door. Peters' work lay
just inside on the floor, plainly visible
by the landing light. I am not a
nervous man, but I confess at the
sight of it I caught my breath. There
was something sinister about it. Its
awful formlessness seemed the ultimate
expression of a desolation deeper than
despair. And as I looked the grey
labyrinth drew me evilly to itself, and
I heard a whisper that came from
nowhere, " Take it back to him and
leave him." I stepped forward, hesi-
tated and shuddered. Then I picked
it up, flung it from me into the grate
and put a match to it.
When I went down Peters was
standing at the foot of the stairs. He
gazed at me without speaking. " I
have burnt it," I said.
" Thank heaven ! " he muttered and
sank weakly to the floor. I put him
to bed.
Neither of us has mentioned the
subject since that night. Peters is
quite his old self aga n. He has found
a new outlet for his energies in making
scrap-books for the Gurkhas.
Justice and Mercy.
HEAP coals of fire upon his head I "
Thus Eton's Chief pleads for the Hun.
Better, we think, to try instead
Heaping of Coke on Lyttelton.
Ai'im, 14, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
299 I
Sergeant (to recruit who }uis neglected to salute when leaving officer). " 'ERE, MY LAD, COME BACK!
YOU'VE FORGOT TO SHAKE "AUDS WITH THE ORFICEB I "
YOU 'VE FOBOOT SOMETHING.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)
: Memoirs of a Brother (SMITH, ELDER) is naturally
a book that even tho reviewer approaches in something
rather different from the critical spirit. This remark must
not he taken to mean that it stands in any need of apology.
On tho contrary, Mr. A. C. BENSON has carried out his
task not only with tenderness and affection, but with real
biographical skill. The result is a character-picture of
extraordinary interest and charm, both to those who had
the rare pleasure of knowing ROBERT HUGH BENSON
personally and to those who only recall him by his books
and sermons. The story is intimate to a degree very
seldom attained in published writing. No man is a
monster of perfection either to his valet or his brother,
however deeply they may love him, and the memoir
abounds in shrewd touches of gentle humour at the expense
of those admirers of " HUGH " whose hero-worship led
them into misinterpretations — those, for example, who spoke
of tho " rapt and far-away look in his eyes," from which
Mr. BENSON sagely concludes that his brother was probably
bored, and wondering how he could courteously escape to
society that might interest him more. It is on these lines
that the memoir has been written ; one might call it, not
too flippantly, biography in a morning coat and slippers.
Throughout one gets that impression of high and dis-
tinguished courage that for me is always present in the
work of ROBERT HUGH BENSON ; the scene of his death,
almost intolerably poignant in its detail, is a most noble
proof of this. Of his humour there are many characteristic
examples. I like especially the account given hero of the
pleasure which he used to take in the words of an Anglican
who would appeal for charity towards one lately " reconciled "
to Rome on the ground that he had never fully recovered
from a bicycle, accident. A dignified, gentle, and most
interesting book.
If I were retained as counsel for the defence by Mr. FORD
MADOX HUEFFEH, accused of conspiring to waste your good
nature and his own talents (both equally undeniable) by
producing The Good Soldier (LANE), I should be very little
at my ease as regards the dismal story itself, but eloquent
enough in referring to the way in which it is told. I say
" told " advisedly, for by a studied neglect of chronology or
any kind of consecutiveness, coupled with free licence to
change his opinions as he goes along, the author succeeds
in transforming himself into a living narrator, presenting as
they occur to him, evening by evening at the fireside, the
different aspects of a history gone by. It is well done and
it could not have been easy to do ; but after all there
remains something solid in the schoolboy distinction:
between matter and manner, and the plain fact is that,!
when all the jig-saw bits are finally fitted in, the picture isj
so little pleasant that, but for the fun of seeing them dropj
into place, one would hardly have read to the end. In,
quiet times I should very much resent the writer's putting
forward of Captain Ashburnham as "The Good Soldier."
To-day one feels that the title is really too ridiculous, the)
existence of such a person in the British army, or indeed!
anywhere else, having become unthinkable ; while the
narrative of his dealings with the other equally impossible
characters of his circle, though set out with a deliberate
grace of diction — through which, however, the ugly word
300
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[Arr.iL 14. 1915.
is here and there no less deliberately jerked — is simply (and
j again designedly) sordid. Much better spend your time on
a real jig-saw that will give you in the end a pretty picture,
say, of littlo Teddy feeding his rabbits.
The Way of The Red Cross, to which QUEEN ALEXANDRA
has added some gracious and touching words, carries with
it the most appealing of all recommendations. Simply and
ably told by E. C. VIVIAN and J. E. HODDER WILLIAMS, it
is a record of the splendid work done by The Eed Cross
Society and the St. John Ambulance Association, a record
that must move the stoniest heart to pity and the most
penurious to the conviction that the relief of pain is the
only royal road to contentment of mind. Welcome, too,
is the tribute paid to the wonderful work of the Voluntary
Aid Detachments. Weariness and suffering nobly and
silently borne both by our wounded and the brave men
and women who tend them is the moving theme of these
pages. No one, it can be said without any qualification,
who has the love of country
in his heart can fail to be
stirred by them to feelings of the
deepest thankfulness and the
deepest pride — thankfulness
that we have such workers
eager to give of their best,
pride that we have such men
to be saved by their services.
Messrs. HODDER AND STOUGII-
TON are devoting all the profits
of this book to The Times
Fund for the Sick and the
Wounded, and there is one
way, and only one way, for us
to show our gratitude.
Mrs. C. S. PEEL, whom you
may remember as the writer
of that clever and amusing
story, The Hat Shop, has now
extended her millinery re-
searches to the fashionable
dress-maker. As a fact, how-
ever, the defect of Mrs. Bamet
— Robes (LANE) is, to my
thinking, that the glimpses which it affords of life in a
Sloane Street modiste's are too brief to be more than
tantalising. For the rest the book is in the main a story
of contrasted careers (something on the lines of the
industrious and idle apprentices), the subjects being two
girls, daughters of a certain Ivor Selincourt. Of these
only one, Thea, was the child of his legitimate wife, and
she, being handicapped with a neurotic disposition and a
too luxurious home, fell in love with a man who was already
married, and eventually, after a lot of temperamental
trouble, she killed herself. Meanwhile Gladys, the child of
Ivor's earlier unacknowledged love, climbed from prosperity
to fortune, established her mother in Sloane Street, and
herself not only enjoyed a capital income as a fashion-plate
artist, but eventually married the man of her heart and
lived happy ever after. This distribution of fates is at
least unlike the usual arrangement of the moralist. Perhaps
I was intended to feel more sympathy for Thea than I
could actually command. Frankly, she seemed to me not
a little tiresome, since there was really no reason, apart
from her native cussedness, why she shouldn't have been
every bit as happy as her nameless half-sister. But, again,
perhaps this was all part of the plan, and intended to show
that personality can do more than birth to ensure content-
ment. Which I knew already. Still, Mrs. PEEL has
written a story that is at least partly delightful, though I
could have wished her to talk a littlo more shop in it.
To any advocate of " mixed " marriages in India, or else-
where for that matter, I recommend A Shadow of '57
(FISHEB UN WIN). Mrs. SCOTT MONCRIEFF has the whole
problem at her finger tips, and although she gives an
almost cruel picture of the Eurasian character it is im-
possible not to bo riveted by the cogency with which it is
presented. Like many women-novelists of to-day, Mrs.
SCOTT MONCRIEFF strikes shrewder blows at her own sex
than at mine, but whether this is because she understands
it better is not for me to decide. Here, at any rate, we
have several women held up for our laughter or our pity,
while the men (most of whom are officers) are endowed
with a glorious imperturbability that soothes their friends
as much as it maddens their enemies. A Shadow of '67 is
a " first " book, and the author has only to set her casual
style in order to command
success. As it is, she has
won her place among those
novelists (why, I wonder, are
the majority of them women?)
who know their India by
heart, and realize the sacrifices
that most Anglo-Indians are
called upon to make.
OMNE IGNOTUM PEG MAGNIFICO.
He. " THAT 's MY FBIEND DAVIS. HE 's us KITCHENER'S ARMY,
YOU KNOW."
She. "WHAT IS HE — A LIEUTENANT?"
He. "No; HE'S A LANCE-COKPOEAL."
She (greatly impressed). "0-on, BEALLY! IXFLUEXCB, I
SUPPOSE."
I have just had an excellent
interlude with corsairs and
galeasses, pikes and calivers,
linstocks and morions, turbans
and scimitars, all in the GOOD
QUEKN BESS'S spacious days,
and personally conducted by
Mr. R \FAEL SABATINI, who is
no ordinary tusher. Sir Oliver
Tressilian, the Cornish knight
who adored fair Rosamund
Godolphin (she always con-
trived to believe the worst of
him and so protract the very
rough course of his true love),
was "trepanned" by order of
his half-brother Lionel; had a thoroughly rotten time as
a galley-slave in a Spanish vessel ; joined forces with some
attacking Muslim pirates; became a renegade, the famed
Sakr-el-ilahr, The Sea Haivk (which is the name of the
book, and Mr. SECKEK pub ishes it), the most outrageous
and effective corsair of them all; raided his Cornish home;
carried off Lionel and Rosamund ; narrowly escaped the
scimitar of his Muslim and the yard-arm of his English
enemies, but duly prevailed over all, and came back to
honour in a land whose Queen never took too squeamish a
view of piracy. I will confess myself a little bored with
the susceptible Baslia, Assad-cd-Din, and his intriguing
family, but Sir Oliver of the iron thews, with his hereditary
Tressilian violence, is a notable hero, a good hater, a stout
fighter ; and I only hope the credulous Rosamund turned
over a new leaf and lived happily with him ever after, which
on the whole was more than she quite deserved.
A Hitherto Unrecorded Atrocity.
"Thereupon the German commander ordered the deportation of all
foreign Consuls including the Turkish, for weeks, frozen stiff."
Japan Chronicle.
After this treatment of Turkey's representative, the SULTAN
should now retaliate by giving the KAISER "the frozen face."
•U:NT TO "Prxrn, on Tii« Loxiox CiTtRWAnr."— APRIL 14, 1915.
OUR NAVY
ADMIRAL LORD NELSON. "MY SHIPS HAVE PASSED AWAY, BUT
THE SPIRIT OF MY WEN UKMAINa"
"PUNCH" OFFICE, 10 BOUVEK1E STEEET, LONDON, E.G.
KNr TO " PUNCH, on TII*-; Lowoon CIIARIVAIU." — Arim. 14, li)15.
OU1* IVAVY.
SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS.
Jack (at the top of his voice) —
-THEM'S ONLY ONE Gmi, JN THE WOULD FOB ME\ "—Popular Song.
t:\-r TII " TiTxrii, UK rllK 1,'ivn.x ( :.i \MVUM.." -AI-RII. II, in:..
OUR X A V Y.
A DIPLOMATIST.
Examining Admiral (to Naval Candidate). •' Now MENTION THBRB ORBAT
ADMI HALS.
Candidate. "DnAKre, NELSOX AND-! BE<C voua PAfcixm. SIB, I DUUI'T
IlK CATCII YOUK NAME."
Eum-KMENT TO " TUKCH, OR THE LONDON ClIAKIVABI."— ArRIL 14, 1915.
OTJtt NAVY.
First Blue jacket. "WELi,, MATEY, WOT 'APPENED?"
Second Bluejacket. " LEFTENANT, 'x BEPOBTS AS 'ow I WEBB DIBTY, AN' MY 'AMMICK WEEEN'T CLEAN, AJ*' CAPTIN, '* srg,
•WASH 'is BLOOMIN' NECK, SCBUB 'is BI.OOMIN' FACE, AN' OUT 'is BLOOMIB' 'AIB, EVEBY TEN MINSITS ! '
Fleet Surgeon. " THEBE DOESN'T SEEM MUCH WBONG WITH YOU, MY MAN. WHAT'S THE MAITEB?"
A. B. "WELL, SIB, IT'S LIKE THIS, SIB. I EATS WELL, AN' I DHINKS WELL, AN' I SLEEPS WELL; BUT WHEN I SEES A JOB
Of WOBK — THEKE, I'M ALL OP A TREMBLE I "
TO " Pmcn, OB THE LONDON CHARIVARI."— Arnn, 14, 1915.
OUR NAVY.
Irascible Lieutenant (down engine-room tube). "Is THESE A BLITHERING IDIOT AT THE END OF THIS TUBE?"
Ytice from Engine-room. "Noi AT THIS END, Sin I"
Commander. "WHAT'S HIS CHARACTER APART FROM THIS LEAVE-BREAKING?'"
Petty Officer. "WELL, SIR, THIS MAN 'E GOES ASHORE WHEN 'E LIKES; 'E COMES OFF WHEN "E LIKES; 'E USES 'OIUUBLB
LANGUAGE WHEN 'E '8 SPOKEN TO J IN FACT, FROM 'IS GENERAL BE'AVIOUR 'E MIGHT BE A OHFICER I "
Si ITI.KMKNT TO "Pl'XOII, OR T.IK I,O\I>DV CH Mil V Attl. " — Al'HII. 14, 1!MS.
OUR NAVY.
A SYMPATHETIC SOUL.
Bluejacket (in cliarge of Party of Sightseers). " HEUE NELSON FELL."
Old Lady. " AN' I DON'T WONDER AT IT, POOB DEAR. NASTY SLIPPERY PLACE ! I
NEARLY FELL THERE MYSELF ! "
BuPPI.KIIItKT TO "PCKCn, OB THIt LoNDOK C|I»RITA«I."— ApBII. 14, T91S.
OUR IV A V Y.
THE SOFT SPOT.
Boatsicain (to newly-joined Cadef). " COME, MY LITTLB MAN, TOO MUSTN'T CBT OH BOA«D or Off ow Hxa
MAJESTY'S SHIPS OF WAS. DID YOOB MOTHEB CBY WHKM YOO LEFT?"
Cadet. "YES, SIB."
Boatswain. "SILLY OLD WOMAH! AND DID TOUB SISTEB CBY?" Cadet. "Y«g, Sim."
Boafsu-ain. " STITPID UTTLB Tnraol AHD DID YOUB PATHEB CBY?"
Cadet. "No, Sin." Boatswain. " 'ABD-'EABTED OLD BEGGAB I "
SWJTLEIIRXT TO " PuKCH, OB THE LONDON ClIABIVARI."— AriUI. H, 1015.
OUR NAVY.
^
• • \
' i
THE BRITISH NAVY IN DIFFICULTIES.
Sailor. "AHOY THEHE! GET oti YOUB COLLISION MATS! CAN'T you SEE HE'S GOING TO
R.M.L.I.
T0.y PUKOH, on TH« Lo*i>o«
— Amu. 14, 1915.
OUI* NAVY.
A POSER.
Constible {to Street Performer, who is trying to free himself after having been hopelessly tied up by Blue-jacket). " Now rams,
rai rtw THWRE I "
UOVM ON TltKKK!'
IM
Laftti
AT THE NAVAL AND MILITARY TOURNAMENT.
•• Tjnbelieving Spectator (wlia, Juiving seen naval field guns lifted smartly over walls, etc., is inspecting them after theperformanai). " THERE I
I KNKW..TIIEUK WAS SOME TRICKERY. TlIESK (inKS ARK Hm.TJiW I "
KCPPLKJIEXT TO " PUNCH, OR ran: LONDOS CnAiinrAni."— ArniL 14, 1915.
10
OUR NAVY.
A LITTLE-NAVY EXHIBIT.
DESIGN FOR A FIGURE OF BRITANNIA IN 1906, AS CERTAIN PEOPLE WOULD LIKE TO SEE HER.
SUPPLEMENT TO 'Tuxcn, oa rn» LOXDOK CIIARIVATII."— APBIL 14, 1915.
OUR IVAVY.
11
^8y^7/ VWf/y ^S^ruT
WITHOUT PREJUDICE.
.BMTAITOIA. "ACCEPT MY CONGRATULATIONS, SIHE, ON THE SPLENDID GROWTH OP YOUR NAVY. AND
SINCE I HAVE YOUR ASSURANCE THAT YOUR PROGRAMME IS NOT AN AGGRESSIVE ONE, I FEEL SURE YOU
WILL BE INTERESTED TO SEE WHAT I HAVE BEEN DOING IN THE LAST THREE YEARS I "
EST TO "PlIKCH, Cm T1IK LOHCON CnittlYABJ." — AritIL H, 191S.
OUR NAVY.
2Vi« Sfc»p'3 Porfc Connoisseur. " 190i AQAtu I Nor A BAD YEAB, EOT wa JT^FIB GET 1900 now."
SUPPL-KKEHT TO " TOUCH, OR THE I/ONDOH ClIARITABI."-' ArBIt. 1J, 191S.
OUR NAVY.
13
:
Jack. " 'EBE, STEAD; ON! THE BLOOMIN' SADDLE'S GONE ASTAUN!
Jack (stopping taximeter hinsom). " 'OLD 'ARD, MATE! WE AIN'T A-GOIN' TO SAIL WITH OHB FLAG 'ABF-MAS*.
OF US DEAD ABOARD 'ERE, NOT BY A LONO CHALK!" •'•-' » -' '• • '"'l
tart
TO "PUNCH, on THE LONDON CmniVAiu." — APRIL 14, 191*.
14
OUR NAVY.
THE CAP THAT FITS.
Petty Officer of Patrol. "Huixo, YOU. WHAT'S YOUR SHIP?"
Sailor (returning from revelry). '"Ow LONG 'AVE TOU BEEN BLIND? IT'S WBOTB PLAIK
EHOCGH ON MY CAP, AIN'T II?"
BtTI'l-IMENT TO "PCKCH, 0» TDS LONDON CnAnitAll)."— APRIL 14, 191S.
OUR NAVY.
15
MORE GRIEVANCES.
Chronic Grumbler.— " Now, THERE'S THE CHAPLAIN, 'E DON'T 'AVE ANY WORK TO DO ON
^SSS^£SfS^S,VSS^ '* DON'r >AVE mam TO "°- Aii> >B >AS
TO f'Funm, OB •niK.r.ONDOK Cl[AB|^RI."— ApttIJ(, .I
OUU NAVY.
Os(/0r. "" WANT A HOUSE? WHAT KIND o' HOBSE?"
Man from " Liberty " Boat's Crew. "On, A GOOD LONQ 'UN; THEBK 's ELEVEN OP DS 1 '
. •'** . ,/
^
TO POUT,
"Pl'SCII, OR THK LONDON ClIAHIVARI "— Al'HIl, 14, 11U5.
om* NAVY.
17
Surgeon (examining in the practical methods oj reviving the apparently drowned). " Now, HOW LONG WOULD YOU PEBSBVKBB is
Ulue Jacket (from Hie tiuerald Isle). "UnTii. HE WAS DEAD, Sml"
THOBB MOIIOSS OP TUB AsilS ? '
Commander, "WHAT is YOUU COMI-LAINT AGAINST THIS BOY?"
TOU
rA T T- THIS 'EI«E BOY, 'B CP AH' CAIXS MS A
CALLED A BLOOKIN' IDJIT, SUPl'OSIN1 YOU WASN'T ONE?"
IDJIT. NOW. '0W WOUIJ>
• TO "PUNCH, on TUB LOSDOK Cii»BtrABi."— APRIL 14, 1915.
18
OUI* IVAVY.
GOOD HUNTING.
A CHIP OP THE OLD BLOCK.
KXT TO "Pi/Ken, (in THK I,OM,,>M OIIAKIV.HII." — AI-IIII. II, l:i|->.
OUtt NAVY.
19
A NORTH SEA CHANTEY.
, (To the tune of " Tipperary.")
JACK. "IT'S A LONG, LONG WAIT FOB WILLIAM'S NAVY,
BUT MY HEART'S BIGHT HERE."
20
EST TO " Fuscn, on THE LONDON CHARIVARI.'' — APRIL 14, 1915.
OUR NAVY.
GAY BIRDS.
Amelia (at a dance given in honour of a flying visit from the Fleet), " So you 'KE OFF AGAIH
TO-MOBBOW ? OH, TOO BAILOB8 ARE BUCH BlBDB OP TABADISH 1 "
TO "Pusm, on TITK T/>M>OS CIIA>IVARI " Arnn. 14, 1015.
OIJtt NAVY.
21
PHONETICS.
First A.B. (mess cook). " WOT'JX WE OIYB 'EM TO-MORROW JTOB AFTERS? TAPIOKEB? "
Second A.B. (mess cook). "THAT'LL DO; BUJJG IT DOWN; YOU'LL WANT I-OUB POUNDS."
First A.B. (spe.lUiuj audibly as l>e writes). " 4 LBS. T-A-&A — T-A-B-I-" — hesitates—
"WB'D BETTEB 'AYE MACARONI."
Second A.B. "An, RIGHT; BUNO IT DOWN, THEN."
First A.B. "4 LBS. H-A-K-A— M-A-K-I— OH, WE'LL 'AVE BICE! 4 LBS. R-I-S-EI"
M- TO " I'UNCII, OR TIIK LONDON C[JAIUVARI."— APRIL U, 1915.
22
OUI* NAVY.
First Jack Tar Abroad (to second, very " busy riding"). " ' ULLOA, BILL; LOOKS LIKE YEB WOBKIN' YEB PASSAGE."
Sill. "Ycss; 'AD BLOOMIN' BOCOH WBATHEB, TOO; EOT IT'S ALL BIQHT IP YE 'OLD os TO THIS 'EBB FOBESTA.Y."
Fair Frenchwoman. "Is IT PEBMITTHD TO MAKE THB TOUB OP YOUB BEAUTIFUL VESSEL?'
Midshipman (after getting his Ircath back). " TJ.I-THEB ! "
BtTFrUEHKNT TO "Pl'Nfll, OR TIIK LONDON ClIARIVARI."— Al'RIL 14, l!t]S.
OIJ1* NAVY.
23
/
first Lady (horrified at bright scarlet muffler for Nai-y the creation of Second Lady). "Mr DEAB— THE COLOUR! IT'LL
A TARGET FOB THE GERMANS I "
Btcond Lady. " OH 1 THEN IT'LL HAVE TO DO FOR THE STOKER."
MAKJt
WVK8
SloJcrr (to "Our Special CorrUftmdtnt"). "I BEE THE TORPEDO APPROACH:*' us; BO WITHOUT WAITIN' FER ANY ORDERS I
» OVERBOARD, JUST GIVES 'IM A FI.ICK ON 'iS LITTLE RUDDER, AN1 OFF 'E GOES TO STARS D AS' PASSF^ US 'ARMLF.SSLY BY."
BDTPLBMEKT TO " PUNCH, OB THE LONDON CEIARITARI." — APRIL 14, IPtS.
OUR NAVY.
T. B. D.
Officer's Steward. "WILL rou TAKE YODB BATH, SIB. BEFOBK OB AFTEB HACTIOH?"
IlnuIlniiT. Afnew 4 Co.. I.M.. Piiuten,
LouUon It Xoubitdtfa.
AVHIL 21, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
301
CHARIVARIA.
A I.KTTKU received in Hale from a
responsible source stales Ilia!, it lias
been decided to kill sill dogs in CUT
many, "wilh certain rare exceptions."
will, of course, include I ho Mad
Dog of Potsdam. ... ...
Wehr und \\'njji'ii lias been pointing
out that human hair iu;ikes an excel-
lent substitute for the lime-destroying
maleriiil which is ordinarily used in
the lioilers of war-ships, and it advises
patriotic Germans to pay a visit to the
barber's. As a consemicnco of this
appeal Admiral VON XIBFITS, it is
reported, is contemplating parting with
his famous whiskers be- \
fore they get singed
again. * :,
" With regard to the
si at cment of the British
Government that the
(lei man Navy neglected
to rescue shipwrecked
men," says a German
Official Note, "the in-
ference contained there-
in that rescues have
been intentionally neg-
lected can only be
denied with horror."
The horror is ours.
For the following
Charivarium we are in-
debted to the Frank-
furter Zfitung. It is
extracted from an
article complaining of
the unimpressionable
natures of the people
of Northern France, '— -
whose country has been devastated by
the enemy : — " When our troops pass
along the streets to the sound of
music, which anywhere else would
awaken the souls of men, there is no
awakening echo; there is silence, an
indescribably saddening silence, which
SIMM us to mock our most serious efforts
to make friends of these people and
accustom them gradually to the mis-
understood benefits of German civilisa-
tion." The professional humorist can
do nothing with this kind of stuff.
-.;: : ••'.:
Annapolis, U.S.A., was startled, the
other day, by what sounded like the
explosion of a heavy bomb. It tran-
spired that the German language had
been dropped from the curriculum of
the Naval Academy there.
It was rumoured last week that Lord
HUGH CKCII,, who wrote to Th>- Thncx
to announce that it was not his present
intention himself to abstain, had
perished under an avalanche of whisky
advertisements. 4.
Thousands of confirmed teetotalers
have announced their intention of
following the KING'S
regard to intoxicants.
example with
Certain advanced opponents of strong
drink are going to strange lengths,
and a Mile End dairyman has got into
trouble for adding water to his milk.
" I must admire England's colossal
skill in the invention of lies," says
Admiral VON TIKPITZ. This is, any-
how, praise from an expert.
" Our Future Lies on the Water. By
a Prussian Officer," is the recent an-
nouncement of an Knglish translation
of a German work. Wo look forward
to them witli interest, though wo doubt
if the Prussian officer will !x3 able to
outdo what WOLFF'S Agency has accom-
plished on land.
Sitter (writing letter to brother at the Front). " AND HAE YE OKVTHING ELSE
TAB BAY, FATHER?"
Father. " AY I TELL DONAL' THAT IP HE COMES OWED TON GEBMAN
WAITER THAT GAED US A BAD 8AXPENCE FOB CHANGE WHEN WE HAD A BIT
DIXNEU IN LONDON A WHILE SYNE, TELL HIM — TAE — TAK — STEADY AIM."
The Simplified Spelling Society is
reported to be interesting itself in the
Przemysl and kindred difficulties.
Might we draw the attention of this
Society to the fact that the Turk is
also unspeakable ?
*,*
It has now been decided to utilise
Alexandra Palace for the reception
and detention of German prisoners.
The Germans are gradually getting all
our Palaces ; Buckingham Palace, how-
ever, still holds out.
At Christie's.
"The total for the day's ale was £3,855."
Evening Newt.
Auctions are thirsty work.
"Tho ideal of the prohibtotalition of the
sale of alcohol seemed to him to be fraught
with a great deal of difficulty."
Leamington Daily Circular.
We confess that the mere mention of
it terrifies us.
From a catalogue of gramophone
records : —
"'A Love Song.1 (KAISEB.) "
A pleasant change from the " Hymn of
Hate."
The following recently appeared in
the "Orders of the Day" of the 4th
Queen's at Lucknow : —
" The Bishop will preach
at the I'arudo service.
Troops will take twenty
rounds of ball ammu-
nition."
This precaution was
presumably adopted in
case the Bishop should
deliver a charge.
Extract from The
Mark Lane Express,
Agricultural Journal
and Live Stock
Record : —
" Cheese continues to
move upwards. All sorts
share in the movement,
and there arc some curious
kinds."
There are ; and appar-
ently they all come into
the category of " live
stock."
A Sweeping Assertion.
" At first there seemed
danger that mines with
which Channel plentifully
strewn might prove greater obstacle than forts,
but mine news-papers have hitherto been able
clear course efficiently." — 1'ioneer.
In this admirable enterprise The
Pioneer naturally leads the way.
" A resolution was adopted which instructed
Secretary Rigg to write to the department of
militia asking for : — (a) Tho names of the shoe-
makers who were catering for the feeding of
the troops; (6) the names of the cooks and
caterers supplying the boots and shoes ; (c) the
names of the lawyers who had been successful
in the contract for the tailoring supplies."
Winnipeg Free Press.
We can understand that the first two
items should have caused some dissatis-
faction, but surely the lawyers ought
to have been competent to look after
the suits.
From a Sale Catalogue : —
" Plaid Silks in all the latest Clans Good
Quality."
The older clans are, of course, quite
demodts.
VOL. CXLVIII.
302
PUNCH, Oil THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 21, 1915.
THE ERRORS OF OMNISCIENCE.
rHerr BAMJH, returning from the Front, where he had an
aodience of the KAISBB, luw given to an American to**™"* »»
account of his Imperial Master's views about the War. WII.HKLM 1.1.
is represented to have said : "I never desired this war. Kvery act of
mine in the twenty-six years of my government proves that I did not
want to bring about this or any other war." He ascribed its origin to
tho diplomacy of Sir EUWARD GHKY. lie was certain of victor)'. but
oflercd no pronouncement as to the date of its consummation.]
IT is your habit like a god
To see your way through walls of brick;
You carry your divining rod
As others wear a walking stick ;
You have the entrde of Olympian premises,
And go hobnobbing, arm-in-arm, with Nemesis.
Truth 's your familiar ; you reject
The lies that lesser folk are fed on ;
With cloudless vision you detect
The origin of Armageddon;
By Instinct, far aloof from Eeason's laws,
Infallibly you spot the fatal cause.
Who was it, for his wicked ends,
That drew his bloody blade and sabred
The peace for which yourself and friends
Through six-and-twenty years had laboured?
It was that demon clad in human clay,
That monstrous Machiavelli, EDWARD GKEY.
But first your prescience took a rest ;
It overlooked the schemes, so sinister,
Which lurked within the baleful breast
Of that nefarious Foreign Minister;
And, all the time these plots were being grown,
You deemed his heart as simple as your own.
This shock to your prophetic soul
Left you, of course, a little shaken ;
Touching the War-drums' final roll
You gave no odds and none were taken ;
Though Victory was yours as sure as Fate,
You weren't prepared to specify the date.
Alas! for I (who loathe to find
My dear illusions roughly shattered ;
Who counted your omniscient mind
Among the things that really mattered)
Can hardly bear to think that now and then
You share the ignorance of common men.
THE DRILL BOOK.
" You seem," said Francesca, " to be profoundly interested
in that little red book."
" Hush 1 " I said. " Don't speak to me, or you "11 drive it
all out of my head. It wasn't very securely lodged, anyhow,
and now it's gone. I shall have to begin all over again."
" What in the world is this man talking about ? "
" Francesca, I will tell you. This man is talking about The
New Company Drill at a Glance."
" Oh, but you 've done much more than glance at it. I 've
been watching you for half an hour, and you 've pored ovei
it, and groaned over it, and turned it sideways and upside-
downways, and yet you don't seem to be happy."
" I will not," I said, " disguise from you that I am far
from happy. This book contains numerous diagrams
beautifully printed in rod and black. Diagrams always
make me feel that they are printed the wrong way round
and that I should understand them perfectly if I could only
stand on my head or turn myself temporarily inside out
! can't do that, so I try to turn the diagram inside out, or
'et it to stand on its head. I "in like that with maps, too
—but it 's not a bit of good. I only get more and more
confused. NAPOLEON wasn't afflicted like that. He just sat
down in a barn or somewhere and studied his maps, and
hen went and won a battle."
" Why drag in NAPOLEON ? " said Francesca. " You "re a
Platoon Commander of Volunteers, and you 're knocked off
four perch by a diagram in a little red drill-book. Well, throw
t away. Trample on it. Put it in a drawer and forget it."
" How can 1 forget what I 've never known ? No, I must
go on trying to learn it. I must tread my weary patli
ilone. Francesca, how would you make a line form line
of platoons in fours facing in the same direction ? "
" I should just ask them to do it, you know. I should
appeal to their better feelings and say, ' Now, men, you 've
jot to form a what's his name in fours. I 'm sure you
won't leave me in the lurch, so get to work and form it ;
and, whatever you do, mind you face in the same direction."
That would fetch them, I 'm- sure."
" It would," I said ; " and it would also fetch the in-
specting officer and all the other big bugs who might be
present."
" Well," she said, " how would you and your little red
book do it, then ? "
" I should inflate my chest and shout out ' Advance in
Fours from the right of Platoons. Form Fours — -' and
;here 's a lot more, but I 've dropped my glasses and can't
read it."
" Ha ha ! " laughed Francesca. " An officer in eye-
glasses ! Extract from Sir JOHN FRENCH'S despatch : ' At
this point a Commander of Volunteers began to order his
men to form fours in platoons facing in the same direction,
but, having dropped his glasses, he was unable to read his
drill-book and was immediately afterwards taken prisoner
with his men. This regrettable incident deprives the army
of a very gallant officer.' "
" Laugh away," I said bitterly ; " pour cold water on my
enthusiasm. If you can't think of anything better to do I
suggest your leaving me alone with my drill-book, for I 'm
determined to master it, diagrams and all."
" That," she said, " is the spirit I like. A father of a
family, fairly well on in years, is left alone with a drill-book,,
and sets his teeth and gets the better of it. But tell me, dp
they really have to do that sort of thing in the trenches ? "
" Oh, yes," I said, " they do it constantly. No day can
be called complete unless they form line of platoons in
fours facing in the same direction."
" I haven't noticed anything about it in the soldiers'
letters in the papers. They generally say the Jack Johnsons
covered them with earth, but that they fixed bayonets,
rushed the last twenty-five yards and got back a bit of their
own, and what brave men their officers are. If ever you
have to fight I should like your men to say that of you."
" If you really want that," I said, " you must let mo
mug up this infernal drill-book. If I don't know some-
thing about it I shall never be able to face the inspection
next Sunday, let alone rushing the last twenty-five yards
into the German trenches, which I shall certainly en-
deavour to do if I ever get the chance."
"Well, I'll give you a quarter-of-an-hour all to yourself,
and then I '11 come back and hear you say your drill."
" Splendid ! That 's the way to help a Volunteer."
" Yes, I '11 be an Army Corps or a Division or a Brigade,
and you shall order me about to your heart's content.'
" Good ; but if you 're not quick about forming forward a
column of fours into column of platoons there '11 be trouble.
" I '11 form forward," she said, " or perish in the
attempt." E. C. L.
PUNCH, OB THE LONDON CHABIVARI.— APRIL 21, 1915.
DELIVERING THE GOODS.
Arm!, 21, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CIIARIVAIM.
305
THE REPRIEVE.
TR-R-R-H-R-R-INQ !
It was the alarum clock in the far
corner.
Some people place alarum clocks close
by the side of their heds. This is a foolish
and expensive plan, since by merely
reaching forth an arm it is possible,
with practice, to hurl the diabolical
instrument through the window in
one's sleep, and then to subside again
beneath the blankets. On the other
hand, if you really have to got out of
bed, you really have to wake up, unless
of course you are a somnambulist, in
which case you ought to sleep in a
cage.
As I dragged myself slowly from my
dreams I realised (1) that I was a
Special Constable due for duty from
two till six A.M. ; (2) that 1 had ordered
Jessica, our general, to set the clock
for 1.15; (3) that it was raining; (4) that
I had a slight cold and a touch of
dyspepsia; (5) that as the gas-stove in
the back kitchen was out of action I
could not brew myself a cup of tea. I
cursed the Special Constabulary and
all their works of darkness, dressed
very quickly and crept downstairs. I
then cut myself some bread and cheese,
which was all I could find in the
pantry.
As 1 sat eating this in the kitchen I
felt my spirits sink lower and lower.
1 thought bitterly of the KAISER, the
man responsible for all my woes. What
was it to him that I was at present
laying the seeds of indigestion beside
an extinct kitchen fire, and should
shortly be wandering for interminable
hours through interminable lanes with
a companion as dejected as myself, our
only solace a couple of police whistles,
from which it was impossible to extract
the faintest resemblance to a tune?
Nothing. Perhaps he had not even
been informed that I was a Special
Constable at all. I thought despairingly
of the price of coal, and wondered how
long it would be before I was reduced
to felling our only apple-tree for fuel,
and whether I should be able to do it
with a table-knife or should be com-
pelled to purchase an axe ; and, if so,
what was the price of axes. I thought
regretfully of my golf handicap of
eighteen, the fruit of years of untiring
devotion to the game. By the time
the war was over (if it ever was over) I
should probably have sunk to an indif-
ferent twenty, and my niblick and I
would meet almost as strangers. Why,
[ asked myself, did Heaven permit
these things ?
At length, my bread and cheese dis-
posed of for the time being, I rose and
prepared to face the elements. As I
2^xg$^
T/
Mrs. Brown (to Mrs. Jones, who has also been to set a son off in troopship). " WELL,
I 'M BUKE THEY *LL BE STARTING SOON, BECAUSE BOTH FUNNELS ARE SMOKING J AND,
YOU BEE, MY DRAR, THEY COULDN'T WANT BOTH FUNNELS JUST FOR LUNCH."
did so my eye fell on the clock on the
mantelpiece. It showed the hour as
twenty minutes past six. Jessica had
placed the alarum in my room, but had
inadvertently set it as if for her own
usual hour of rising.
In the crises of life a man will often
mechanically seek relief from the stress
of overpowering emotion in the perform-
ance of some apparently trivial act.
I stooped and unlaced my boots. Then
I crept upstairs again.
" Manchester and Salford Councils decided
yesterday to advance the price of gas 6d. per
cubic foot, largely owing to the advance in
coal prices." — Daily Mirror.
With gas advanced by £25 per 1,000 ft.,
Manchester and Salford householders
may be advised to try electricity.
"THINGS OUR MEN AT THE FRONT WILL
APPRECIATE.
's BACKACHE PELLETS."
Advt. in "Birmingham Gazette."
We do not like the innuendo. It is un-
just, though, no doubt, undesigned.
" I venture to say that if I stopped you in
the street, or even in the next street, and
asked you what the calibre is of the guns
latterly employed in puncturing the Dardan-
elles, your answer would be an unhesitating
•No.'"
And a very good answer, too, for this
kind of bore.
" Wanted, Lads for Bottling."
Advt. in " Lancashire Daily Post."
This advertisement is obviously belated.
Nobody asks nowadays for "a bottle of
the boy."
300
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 21, 1915.
NIGHT OPERATIONS.
wanted to come with me, but this would they all declined to listen to any more
have increased the cost, and we should
IT happened in the Park. As we ! have looked rather small if by any
didn't really need the whole Park and; chance the taxi had been stopped and
didn't want to he a nuisance to all the ! wo had all been captured together. _
couples who resort there for quiet con- ; made Higgs a sporting otter to allow tax.. I couldn
versation, we staked out a pitch. The him to hang on behind if he would pay even I Company
pitch was bounded by two parallel i part of the fare, but wo failed to strike J umbrella, swa^e
_ * . ^ i • f-v«ii rtet 1 1 f~,S\i~i S\Y> \iiil\r
pitch , ..
roads, and the roads were in play. , a bargain.
Four scouts played against B Company. ! Holroyd
consented to adopt my
suggestions.
I was still rather troubled about my
own rille, as 1 felt that it might be
detected if undisguised, in spile of the
couldn't reasonably expect
to mistake it for an
;ger cane, policeman's
truncheon or lady's reticule. 1 thought
of concealing it in some musical instru-
ment, but couldn't hit on anything
suitable, thou;.
instruments 1
b .1 went through all the
could think oi fiom an
The commander of 13 Company won : suggestion that ho should conceal his
the toss and decided to defend the ! riiie down the leg of one of his trousers.
south end. The object of the scouts, ! We had some difficulty in getting it
who were loaded with rifles, was to ' there, and then he found that it j ocarina to a big drum, in the end
pass tin-ou «h the company's lines with- [ restricted his movements. He also decided toadaptmy brother's violoncello
out capture. The rifles, which -
are not well adapted for other-
things, were carried for the pur-
pose of recognition only. I was
cast for a scout, and was abetted,
if not aided, by Holroyd, Hen-
derson and Higgs.
They turned out to be un-
imaginative pig-headed people,
and on one excuse or another
they refused in tola to adopt any
of my suggestions. Holroyd,
who is a long thin parsimonious
person, declined on the ground
of expense to hire either a prop-
erty tree or a piano organ. Con-
cealed in either of these I am
sure that he would have had
an excellent chance of getting
through. Henderson, who is a
young and somewhat effemin-
ate-looking individual, contemp-
tuously rejected the idea that
he should go as a nursemaid,
with a perambulator in which
he could conceal his rifle. He
seemed to think that it would
be unmanly and unsoldierly.
His only idea was a false beard
and a wig. I pointed out that
however desirable it might be
to alter his appearance in day-
time it was not so urgent in the
dark, and that it would be of
small strategic benefit as he
A ZEPPELIN POLICY.
" Gout' TO 'AVE YEB ANNUAL FIBE, IKE?"
" NO, MY POY — NOT IN WAB-TIME. I HAF PAINTED A BKD
CBOSS ON THE ROOF, AND I VOS TBUST IN PBOVIDENOE."
was complained of discomfort. We wasted
personally known to only about five ' quite a lot of time trying to get it out
percent, of B Company. In the end , again. We couldn't think of thepropei
lie got quite stuffy about it and we technical way to go to work, and there
nearly had words.
Higgs's only excuse for not covering
I was no help to he got from our military
; books. I looked in both the Musketry
himself with grass sods and crawling i Regulations and Infantry Training, but,
along on his stomach was the damp strangely enough, neither of them deals
and muddy nature of the soil. Of with a simple point like that. I know
course when I found out that he was that on active service a soldier, owing
going to let a little personal discomfort to the use of putties, is not likely often
stand in the way of success 1 gave up to get his rifle into this position, but
trying to help him. still, as in Holroyd's case, it might
My own scheme for getting through, : happen. By the rather crude method
though entailing a certain amount of of all pulling at once, we eventually
cost, was simple and effective. I de- managed to separate his leg, rifle and
cided to hire an ordinary taxi and drive trouser. It was largely due to II olroyd's
clown the left-hand road as fast as the own impatience that several pieces of his congratulations to me, but no doubt
Park regulations would permit. When his flesh and trousering adhered to the he was frightfully chagrined at the
the others heard about it they all nobbly bits of the rifle. After that success of my simple ruse.
case. 1 'in not a very good
amateur carpenter, so it wasn't
a very neat job, though it served.
As I anticipated, I was the
only scout to got through un-
detected. The other three were
all captured and brought in, in
addition to the thirty - three
civilians, six special constables,
five real soldiers complete with
lady friends, four territorials,
two park keepers and one park
chair captured in error. Several
civilians, most of the special
constables and all the real
soldiers were annoyed at being
interfered with, and I under-
stand that there are tsvo actions
for assault and battery and
three for false imprisonment
pending.
Higgs, it appeared, did, after
all, adopt my stalking sugges-
tion, though without its best
feature — the divot disguise. By
crawling on his hands and
knees he had almost succeeded
in getting through the lines
when a clumsy Section-Com-
mander trod on the nape of his
neck. Owing to the mud in
which he was encased ho might
still have gone unremarked if
only he hadn't groaned.
Henderson's notion of climbing up a
tree wasn't a bad one, though I can't
quite see how it helped his progress to
any extent. His detection was due to
his accidentally dropping his rifle on
the head of the Commander of No. 1
Platoon.
Holroyd, one of the park-keepers,
and the chair were captured en masse.
Holroyd seems to have had the idea
that the chair would in some way assist
him in his enterprise, and the park-
keeper was disputing his right to use
it without payment when they were
surrounded.
I thought that the Company-Com-
mander was somewhat sparing with
APRIL 21, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
307
RENAMING A ROSE.
I FORGET when we — that is, our local
choral society — first began to practise
Ads and Galatea. I know it was long
before the start of Lent. Anyway, a few
weeks ago wo decided that wo knew
enough about it to risk our annual
public performance, and the posters
were about to bo issued. Then one
evening the blow fell at a committee-
meeting. We were busily discussing
the all-important point of the colour of
the paper for the programmes when
Appleby (our only tenor who can take
a top G without causing grievous bodily
harm to himself and those in his
immediate proximity) rushed into the
room in a state of uncontrolled emotion.
It bad got about, he told us, that the
composer was a German, and the
tickets in consequence were going as
flat as our choir when they sing an un-
accompanied glee. "Old Mr. Cliivers,"
said Appleby, " has been tackling me
about it. Ho says it 'a a shame to
perform the work of a German com-
poser when now is the time to support
our home products."
Then a long altercation ensued as to
whether HANDEL was or was not to be
considered a German.
" But surely he became naturalised,"
said Miss Mallows, appealing to
Mr. Bowles, our conductor, " after
spending all those years in England,
paying English rates and English taxes
and "
" And writing Italian operas," added
Appleby.
"I really don't know for certain,"
said our harassed conductor, who always
received ten per cent, of the gate-money
as remuneration for his services. " I —
I think so."
" But he ought to know for certain,"
whispered Miss Parmenter to me.
" It 's his business. If he doesn't know,
what 's he doing with all those letters
after his name, F.R.C.O., L.B.A.M.,
Mus.Bac., F.T.C.L., A.G.S.M.?"
"At all events," announced Miss
Mallows solemnly, " I feel it my duty
as a patriot to decline, under these
doubtful circumstances, to assist at the
concert."
Miss Mallows' powers of musical
assistance are, I am afraid, long past
their zenith, but her ability to dispose
of tickets still remains undiminished.
Hence her decision came rather in the
nature of a Zeppelin.
"HANDEL must he interned," I said,
"and we must revive an old favourite.
As Mr. Chivers hinted, it's a fitting
opportunity to perform a native work."
Mr. Bowles, who had just completed
an oratorio on the subject of Og. King
of Bashan, enthusiastically agreed.
SOMEWHERE IN FRANCE.
Railway Transport Officer (being carried off from his station in a British Supply Train).
' STOP THE TRAIN ! STOP THE TRAIN 1 ! "
Chorus of French Railway Officials (mistaking his gestures).
VIVE LA FRANCE!"
1 VIVE L'ANOLETERRE !
" But it must be something we know
pretty well," remarked Miss Parmenter.
" What about The May Queen ? We
know that backwards."
" The point is," I observed, " do we
know it forwards ? "
"Then there's The Lost Chord,"
suggested Miss Mallows quite seriously.
" And Eric ; or. Little by Little," put
in the irrepressible Appleby.
" The Lost Chord," I kindly explained,
" is not, strictly speaking, a cantata.
It is more usually performed as a cornet
solo. Occasionally one hears of its
being given as a song with harmonium
accompaniment."
" I didn't mean The Lost Chord,"
Miss Mallows corrected. " I meant
The Ancient Mariner."
" Why not try high and do The Dream
cf Geronlius'f" said Appleby. "There's
a fine chorus of Demons in it which
would bring the house down."
" Don't you think," asked Miss
Parmenter, " that we had better do
something to keep it up ? Besides, two
rehearsals are not sufficient. We should
have to call it The Nightmare of "
" Stay! "cried our conductor. "Why
not change the title of Ads and Galatea
and the name of its composer? "
" Splendid ! " I said. " But won't the
words give us away ? "
" Not they ! " exclaimed Appleby.
" Everyone always says that the words
we sing are absolutely unintelligible."
*****
It only remains to add that we drew
a bumper house for our " performance
in concert form of Dido and JEneas, the
operatic masterpiece of England's great-
est musical genius, HENRY PURCELL."
308
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
21, 1915.
THE WATCH DOGS.
XVI.
DEAU CHARLES, — We are now hold-
ng our own little hit against enormous
.xlds, the latter being partly Germans
nit mostly rain. Even so we find the
irenches a pleasant relief, since our
allowance of discomfort is now defined.
Up till now they couldn't make up
their minds as to what exactly we were.
Sometimes they thought we were fully
qualified experts, tit for all the deeds,
langorous and dirty, which soldiers
liave to do, while at other times they
regarded us as amateurs, requiring
instruction. Between the - " some "
times and the " other " times there was
little margin for rest and recreation.
Now it 's over, I may tell you that
the instruction is even worse than the
thing itself. We didn't so much mind
digging practice trenches as filling
them in again. We had done such a
lot of this that we had come to the
dismal conclusion that herein was the
ultimate destiny for all of us, lawyers,
landed proprietors, engineers and under-
graduates alike. We saw ourselves
left here, long after the War was over,
filling in trenches in Flanders when we
should be dining honourably in London.
Moreover we foresaw that our ultimate
convenience would be sacrificed, in an
expansive moment, to the cause of
universal peace, and, when we had
finished the English, Belgian, French,
Russian, Japanese, Servian, Montene-
grin, Roumanian, and Italian lines,
" My dear KAISER," the authorities
would write, "bygones being bygones,
please remember you have only to
drop us a postcard and we will send
you a thousand or two industrious, ii
incompetent, spademen to fill in your
trenches for you. You might pass this
on to your Austrian, Hungarian and
Turkish friends. And believe us, very
sincerely yours ..."
As it is, I reckon I 'm now oft trench-
filling for ever. I would far sooner be
shot for insubordination than stir
limb to destroy this " little grey home
in the West " I have dug out for mysel
and Captain Johnson. Take my word
there comes a time in a man's life when
he attaches far more importance to
judicious admixture of matchwood
sandbags, straw and mud of his own
contriving than to the most luxuriou
combination of chintz and ChippendaL
designed and executed by paid hands.
We marched up here, three day
back, in a mood of ferocious silence
my captain providing the sole domosti
touch by leaving his washing at th
last complete building on our route
The people we relieved (in more senses
than one) were delighted to see us, but
.•ecollecting suddenly that they had im-
portant business elsewhere, vanished
>y the back door as soon as ever our
aces were turned to the front. The
jermans, however, were more courte-
ous: realising the arrival of slightly
)ored strangers, they at once treated us
,o a pyrotechnic display of commendable
horoughness, combining entertainment
vith instruction, expensive illumination
with unquestionable realism. Since
hen the spasmodic crackle of rifles
las not ceased ; snipers snipe indus-
riously, and bombs and rifle grenades
irrive and depart every now and then
>y way of comic relief. We enjoy the
privilege of watching artillery duels
rom the ten-pound seats in the middle.
Captain Johnson has a personal griev-
ance, since the objective of the enemy
juns is the last complete building above
nentioned. "The low hounds," he
murmurs, standing on our front door
itep and shaking his fist at the horizon.
' Not content with making a target
of my personal existence, they must
needs go shelling my pants with their
shrapnel and high explosives." And
so we continue our present lives,
spending to-day in getting rid of
yesterday's rain and looking forward
io to-morrow's.
I write, after a sort of hi;'h-tea-
dinner-lunch in my dug-out (where no
parcel containing victuals or drink
sver comes amiss), and from both
sides of me penetrates the singularly
trifling conversation of the men. They
are enjoying a period of rest, and the
general state of their spirits is not so
much boisterous joy as comatose con-
tent. I have often wondered exactly
what motive — duty, enterprise, sport
or adventure — brought them all to-
gether here ; in one case I have been
enlightened only this morning. The
sanitary man, always ready for conver-
sation in the intervals of his ambitious
work, informed me as to his own case.
It appears that at the end of last July
he was affected with general nervous
debility. His doctor recommended a
fortnight at the seaside. The sanitary
man (then a clerk) protested poverty :
his wife insisted on the change of air
and the combined ingenuity of the
three suggested enlistment in the loca
Territorial battalion, with an eye solely
to its yearly encampment. And here
he is in muddy France, executing his
(shall I say disquieting?) labours
amidst relentless shot and shell, whose
object is to kill rather than cure
Meanwhile rarely was a more rosy anc
less nervous warrior than our old-time
invalid.
In conclusion let me tell you of th
ecclesiastical affairs of Lance-Corpora
Rice. For years past he has professei
Wesleyanistn, and has paraded with
he minority of a Sunday. I have
ivcn known him to do this, with a set
xpression of feature and great dignity
if bearing, in a minority of one." But
imes change and we change with
hem, and, whether it was that some
3poch-making event occurred to con-
vert him or whether it was that the
Church of England parade happened
for once) to be an hour later in the
norning than the Wesleyan, our Lance-
Corporal fell in last Sunday with the
najority. His Platoon Sergeant may,
or all I know, be a keen church'goer
n ordinary life, but in war he is a
stickler for regulations. " What are
you doing here? " he asked the Lance-
Corporal, and, after a long conversation,
was finally convinced that his man was
deliberately parading with the Church
of England. " Get away with you,"
>aid the Sergeant, not caring what the
other believed or didn't believe. " If
you want to change your religion, you
:an't just do it like that ; you must go
to orderly-room and do it proper."
1 have stolen this -item of news, by
way of compensation, from our Second
n Command, who, happening to call
on me at my trench at 11 A.M., stole
'rom me my biggest and best pepper-
mint drop. Next time you write, en-
ilose a candle, a piece of soap, a bundle
of toothpicks, and a stick of nougat, a
parcel which, if you had sent it me a
year ago, would have proved you to be
a poor farceur.
Yours, as long as I 'm my own,
HENBY.
Fashions for Men.
THE MORNING COAT-COWL.
1 Somehow the old atmosphere of the ' Row '
bas completely gone — the ' knut ' has vanished
as if he had never been. The conventional
silk hat and morning coat was only to be seen
here and there and at rare intervals, and then
on the heads only of elderly men."
TJie Daily Mirror.
"Sir Stanley Buckmaster, the Solicitor-
General and Director of the War Press Bureau,
who has gone to Scotland for salmon-fishing,
landed a 10 Ib. fish one day this week."
Evening News.
The Press Bureau has no objection to
the publication of the above statement,
but takes no responsibility for its
accuracy.
"In Scandinavia, where men drink horribly
owing to the damp-cold climate, the Govern-
ment h;is introduced the Swedenborg system,
which has accomplished wonders." — Mr.
Austin Harrison in "The Sunday Chronicle."
SWEDENBORG dealt with the spirit, it is
true ; but not in this sense. Mr. HAR-
RISON, before he tackles this subject
again, should consult the wise men of
Gothenburg.
APRIL 21, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
303
THE ARGUMENT FROM POSTERITY.
Elder Sister (firmly) to her little sister, who has been playing at soldiers and is thoroughly bored and now clamottfing for her doll). " No,
BABY, YOU CAN'T HAVE YOUB DOLLIE. WHAT ABE WE TO SAY TO ova CHILDKEH WHEN THEY ASK WHAT WE WERE DOING IN 1915?"
THE RED CROSS COW.
WE are scrupulously careful in our
neighbourhood to do and say nothing
that can disparage the great effort
being made by our rivals at CHRISTIE'S
in aid of the Eed Cross. All the same
we are privately of the opinion that we
da this sort of thing better down, our
way. No one can claim to have
actually invented our method ; it just
evolved itself. But it is working like
a machine.
It began last October, when the
Rector, who is one of our most pro-
gressive farmers, announced his in-
tention of selling his little Jersey cow
by auction in aid of the Eed Cross.
We had always envied him that cow ;
slic \v;is the daintiest little creature in
the parish and said to be a fabulous
milker for her size. So the bidding
was pretty brisk. The Colonel got her
for .127 10s. — an outside price, but she
looked remarkably well in his paddock.
We ottered our congratulations' and
imagined the incident was closed.
But the Colonel was never happy
about it.
" I 've got it into nay head," he
would say, " that that cow belongs by
rights to the Eed Cross. I don't believe
that I shall be able to keep her with
any satisfaction to myself."
He tried to square his conscience by
sending the milk to the hospital, but
it wasn't any good. So he put her up
(for the benefit of the Eed Cross) to
public auction on the first Saturday
in December, and asked all the more
likely buyers to lunch on that occasion.
When she got hung up for a time at
£26 Dr. Sharpe " simply out of decency "
sprang her to twenty-eight. It would
be intolerable if the' Colonel were to
lose by it, he said. There was some
confusion of idea there perhaps, but the
principle was sound.
Somehow this little auction of the
Colonel's set a precedent which we felt
bound to follow later on. Of course
the Doctor couldn't keep the cow. He
recognised that at once, the more so as
he had neither a field nor a shed to
put her in. So his auction was rushed
on without delay. It was the best of
the series so far, being preceded by
quite a big At Home, during which the
cow was led round the lawn before the
drawing-room windows. She cost me
£31, and I sent my cheque to the Eed
Cross.
It was about this stage that the Cow
Committee came into existence, in
response to a general demand that the
thing should be put on a more definite
basis. The Committee consisted simply
— it will be seen that there was a
perfect simplicity about the whole
affair — of those who had made bids.
It met at the school -house every
Wednesday night to consider and draw
up the Eegulations ; but the cow had
changed hands three times before these
were complete. I am requested by my
colleagues to publish them here as a
guide to other neighbourhoods who
may wish to raise money for the War
Funds. I ought to add that it need
not, of course, be a cow. Any desirable
object, from an umbrella to a rare
310
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[Ariui, 21, 1915.
" How is IT YOU 'BE NOT SERVING, YOUNG MAN ? "
"EABLY CLOSING TO-DAT, SlB."
postage stamp or a deer forest, will do
equally well : —
(1) The cow shall be sold by public
auction at intervals of not more than
one calendar month.
(2) The entire proceeds on each
occasion, without any reduction what-
ever, shall be devoted to the local Red
Cross Fund. .
(3) It will not be considered sporting
(though this Committee has no juris-
diction in the matter) to allow the cow
to go for a lower price than on the pre-
vious occasion.
(4) There shall be no limit to the
number of times that any one buyer
may hold the cow — so long as she is
always bought at progressive prices —
but she shall not be held twice in suc-
cession by any one buyer.
(5) The cow can be won outright by
being held three times by the same
buyer, and shall become his absolute
property at the conclusion of the third
term (if he is rotten sportsman enough
to keep her).
(6) During the monthly tenure the
milk, if any, to be the absolute property
of the cow-holder. But the cow must
be efficiently kept up. (Here follows
the official list of daily rations pre-
scribed).
(7) All disputes of any sort whatso-
ever to be settled by the instant re-sale
of the «ow. ,
(8) These conditions to hold good
only for the duration of the War. The
party that happens to be the holder at
the moment when peace is signed to
I remain in possession.
We rather pride ourselves on this
last clause, which ought to help to
brighten things up towards the close.
i There is already strong rivalry, and
j any important advance of the Allies is
' sure to lead to lively markets. Prices
; are getting too high for me, but I mean
i to have one more flutter when we cross
the Rhine.
Meanwhile a delightful thing has
happened. The Rector (who got her
back again three weeks ago) has just
announced a calf. An emergency com-
mittee meeting has been called. It is
not yet certain what steps will be taken,
but opinion is pretty evenly divided be-
tween the Wounded Allies Committee
and the Polish Relief Fund.
"Gott strafe England."
We understand that our friends on
the other side of the Tweed are greatly
annoyed at the continued use of the
word " England " by the Germans, and
are contemplating seeking the assist-
ance of the American Ambassador at
Berlin to get the word " Britain " sub-
stituted.
"THE WARD UNIONS. — This pack brought
their season to a close on Saturday, the 3rd
inst., when Mr. Maynard gave us ' one extra '
meeting at Dunshaughlin, which resulted in
a rattling good gallop of nearly an hour, and
sent us all home in the best of humour, to
hibernate until next October." — Irish Life.
Mora Hibernico.
" COUNTRY HOLIDAYS. — Country house, with
farm adjoining, high inland situation, with
sex breezes."— Advt. in " Tlie Times.''
This particular quality of breeze can
sometimes be obtained without leaving
home.
"THE SPELLING OP INDIAN NAMES.
A REVISED QIUDE."
The Planter.
If the new spelling is to be at all like
this, we prefer the old.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— APRIL 21, 1915.
REJECTED ADDRESSES.
KAISEB (to America). "PERHAPS IT WAS RIGHT TO DISSEMBLE YOUR LOVE;
BUT WHY DID YOU KICK ME DOWNSTAIRS?"
A run, 21, 191.0.]
PUNCH, OR TJIK LONDON CHAIMVAIM.
313
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
(KXTIIAITKI) Kill IV T1IK [>IAKY OF TllllY, M.I'.)
House of Commons, U'eilni'mlni/. \\tli
Ajnil. —Parliament, worn out l)y a
month's Boater holiday, rammed its sit-
tings. Attendance in Commons pretty
full. Looked forward to hearing state-
ment from PHKMIKK with respect to
newly-appointed Committee author!- ed
to control and speed up supply of
munitions of war, and to learning some-
thing definite as to proposed treatment
of drink. Harried PREMIER, to whom
mention of "an eight hours' day" is a
mockery, not in his place when Ques-
tions opened. Hurried in live minutes
later. Anticipated inquiries not made.
Will he suhmitted later, when further
progress is made with both busine
In the meantime WING, Member for
Hongbton-le-Sprinff, hovering aloft, a
human aeroplane, dropped unexpected
bomb in shape of painfully pointed
query. Wanted to know whether
Government are prepared to suspend
sale of alcoholic liquors in refreshment-
rooms and bars of House, so placing
Palace of Westminster on same foot-
ing as other Royal palaces?
PREMIER, enough on his hands with-
out addition of this ticklish question,
pointed out that the matter is one
for consideration of House, not for
decision of Government. Member for
Houghton, still on the Wing, pro-
posed forthwith to discuss it. Oppor-
tunity provided on formal
motion to go into Com-
mittee of Supply. BONAB
LAW suggested that so grave
a subject would be better
dealt with in form of definite
Resolution. PREMIER pro-
mising to provide facilities
for dealing with one, affair
stood over.
Meanwhile whole-hearted
sympathy goes out to
CHAIHMAN OF KITCHEN COM-
MITTEE. The post, equally
honourable and important,
has been held by MARK
LOCKWOOD through long
succession of sessions. He
has devoted himself to ser-
vice of his fellow-Members
with self-denying energy
recognised as establishing
debt of profound gratitude.
His record is, to certain extent,
hampered by supreme achievement of
the Shilling Dinner. Less observed
have been his untiring efforts to keep
the House cellar tilled with wine and
spirits of the highest quality compatible
with the lowest price.
And now there is prospect of its
being locked up for indefinite period.
As the COLONEL walked about the
Lobby this afternoon, the perennial
carnation in his buttonhole sympathe-
tically drooping, Members hailed on
Chairman of Kitchen Committee depressed
by menace to House of Commons' cellar.
(COIXJNEL MARK LOCKWOOD).
their divers ways silently to press his
hand, a touch of sympathy more
eloquent than flow of words.
liusiness done. — All within space of
half-an-hour. PREMIER announced that
next week and till further notice sittings
THE RETIRING SERGEANT-AT-ARMS.
(Sin H. D. ERSKINE).
will be limited to Tuesday, Wednesday
and Thursday.
Thursday. — House learns with pro-
found regret that after the last day
of May Sir DAVID ERSKINE will cease
to be Sergeant - at - Anns. For forty
years he has been a familiar, and popu-
lar, feature in the Legislative Chamber.
Speakers have come and gone; Minis-
tries have been created and dissolved ;
I lie Sn -geant-al- Arms has for more than
a generation filled tho Chair by the
Cross Benches below the Gangway.
His ancient office is a thing apart. It
is the last link of the personal relations
of the Sovereign with the faithful and, in
Btuart times, the occasionally refractory,
Commons. Members are elected by the
people. They in turn elect the Speaker.
The Sergeant-at-Arms ia nominated by
the Sovereign, to whom alone he owes
fealty.
Sir DAVID ERSKINE has worthily
upheld the dignity of the office. A
strict disciplinarian, jealous for abso-
lute obedience to the rules and tradi-
tions of the House, native courtesy
and a natural kindness of heart have
kept him clear from reproach of
offence. When for the last time he has
lifted the Mace on to the Table or
replaced it on the brackets, his name
and personality will remain a tradition
round which memory will pleasantly
linger.
Sat till 9 o'clock. Quite unusual in
these times. Occupied chiefly by de-
bate on famous contract for purchase
of wood made by Board of Works
with firm of MEYER AND Co. Young
bloods on Ministerial side smell a rat.
HANDEL BOOTH in particular sees it
moving in the air. Has conducted
inquiry of his own into circumstances.
Complains that patriotic effort has been
baffled by tactics of that Machiavellian
personage, First Com-
missioner of Wrorks, Lord
EMMOTT.
" Only one new thing I
did discover," said HANDEL.
House instantly assumed
attitude of profound inter-
est. " I discovered," he con-
tinued in tone calculated
to make the flesh creep,
" that there is in the Office
of Works in close touch with
Mr. MEYER'S firm a brother-
in-law of his partner."
MEMBER FOB SARK dis-
posed to ask what relation
would be be of Mr. MEYER.
TOMMY LOUGH, who con-
stitutionally objects to pri-
vate Members criticising
their pastors and masters
on the Treasury Bench,
protested against this "stab-
bing, prodding the Government in the
back."
" Why in the back ? " asked HANDEL.
" Because you sit behind them," was
TOMMY'S prompt reply.
No getting over that. Amendment
negatived.
Jiit.tini'as done. — House adjourned till
Tuesday.
3U
PUNCH, OR .THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 21, 1915.
REST CURES.
AN INNOVATION.
As for hydros, lot us forget them, I
said. And as for other people's houses,
however comfortable they may be, they
were discussing rest cures, and lie under the charge of being not
everyone had a special kind to recom- your own. They have to be learned
mend.
One said that there is nothing like
and there is not time to learn them.
One is on one's best behaviour in them,
bed. Bed for a fortnight. But that ' and that is contrary to the highest
seems to me to need great strength of restfulness.
mind. Personally, my horror of bed One's own home, I went on, is not
after the sun has begun to knock necessarily perfect ; but quite a number
on the windows is only equalled by of its drawbacks are removed when
my desire for bed as the hands of the someone else is occupying and running
clock draw near the hour which our it. Take the inevitable item of bills.
lively neighbours (and allies)
Minnie.
Another advised Cornwall and
no newspapers. There is some-
thing to be said for this scheme.
If there were no newspapers, life
would be restful automatically.
It is the news that wears us
out. The advanced age which
METHUSELAH succeeded in
reaching was probably due to
the total absence of any Eu-
phratesChronicle or Mesopotamia
Mail.
Another suggested a hydro
with frequent baths ; but would
not the , atmosphere of the
place go far to modify the
merits of the treatment ?
Another counselled a sea voy-
age ; but the prevalence of
" frightfulness " on and under
the ocean has made this a ques-
tionable scheme just now.
It was then that I chipped in.
" I have discovered," I said, " a
new and perfect kind of rest
cure. It is simply this : to lend
your house to nice friends and
then to go and stay with them
as a guest."
They asked me to amplify,
and amplification being my long
suit I gracefully complied.
The merits of the arrange-
ment, I told them, should leap to the
eye. To begin with you are at home,
which is always more comfortable than
an hotel or a hydro or anyone else's
house. Hotels, to take one point only,
disregarding their fussiness and restless-
ness and the demand made upon one
to instruct foreigners in English, cannot
cook or prepare the most important arti-
cles of food for those in need of repose
—such things as bread and butter,
boiled potatoes, mint sauce, horse-radish
sauce (they often do no more than shred
the horse radish and pour cream over it,
the malefactors!), roly-poly jam pud-
ding, bread and-butter pudding, York-
shire pudding. When it comes to grills,
they can beat the private kitchen ; but
again and again the private kitchen
beats them, and always in the essentials.
at one's own pictures and books ; and
all the time the coal that burns so
fiercely and consolingly in one's own
grate is being paid for by others. No
stint either! Could there be a more
delightful arrangement ?
The disabilities of the scheme are
trifling. It is, of course, a bore to find
that one's private bath-time has fallen to
the temporary owner, or that lunch is
now half-an-hour earlier ; but these are
nothing. The great thing is that one
is a guest here at last — that after years
of striving to make both ends meet and
call Here my hearers all shuddered, and i having all the anxiety on one's own
very rightly. Bills lose much of their ! shoulders, suddenly it has gone ; and
when, instead of the modest
claret which is all that one's
own cellar can normally be in-
duced to disgorge, however one
may search it, the new occupants
are found to be in allegiance to
" The Widow," the rest-cure is
made complete. Here, one says,
is the solution. Now will I be
reposeful indeed.
" That is my discovery," I
concluded. " I made it a few
weeks ago and I shall never for-
get it. All that one has to be
careful about is the choice of
friends to whom to lend the
house."
1 But supposing," someone
asked, " they don't invite you to
stay with them — what then ? "
" That," I said, " would be
awkward, of course. In fact it
would ruin everything. But one
must be clever and work it."
" Ho w d id you get y our in vita-
tion ? " another inquired.
" If you '11 borrow my house,
I '11 show you," I said.
"I'D LIKE TO JOIN THE FLYING CORPS."
"WHAT I"
" OH, I MEAN THE CHAPS WOT 'OLDS ON TO THE FLYINQ-
MACHINB WHILE THE PILOT GETS INTO IT."
" The Kronprinz Wilhelm risks interment."
Daily Neivs.
If the CROWN PRINCE gets killed many
more times he will not only risk it but
get it.
minatory aspect when they are being
paid by others. The disturbing thought
as to the ruinous cost of butchers' meat
which assails one directly the cover is
removed no longer has any power to
vex. The sirloin still represents too
massive a pile of shillings, but the
shillings are to come from other pockets
— always a desirable state of affairs.
Coal again. In one's own house nor-
mally one trembles, and particularly
so just now, every time the poker is
used ; but in one's own house when
one is a guest how blandly one stirs
the embers into a richer glow.
Life can be made enormously more
piquant in this way. Indeed it can
really become worth living once more.
One settles down in one's own well-
tried chair ; one looks round the room tongues severely taxed.
"A few days after we saw some
deserters come in from the desert."
Daily Dispatch.
Native troops, we presume.
"Stolen or strayed, from 51, Port-Dundas
Road, Scotch terrier, answers to Mysie; if
found in anyone's possession will be severely
dealt with." — Glasgow Citizen.
Poor Mysie may well say, " Save me
from my friends ! "
" Andler having explained the docifision to
Leben, who knows English imperfectly, the
prisoners then bowed to the magistrates and
returned to the cells.'
ANDLER must
Liverpool Daily Post.
have found his gift of
APRIL 21. 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
315
Bloated Loafer (who has talked of nothing but his wealth for the last hour). " BEASTLY BOUGH LUCK— TWO or KT CABS ABB UKDEB
BEPAIR; ANOTHER ONE'S BEIN' PAINTED. I'VE ONLY GOT THE LITTLE ONE TO GO ABOUT ml"
Artist. "I KNOW THE FEELING, OLD CHAP ; I WAS POOR ONCE MYgELP."
TOTAL PROHIBITION OF ADJECTIVES.
(A Journalistic Dream.)
WHEN the Press Bureau decided to prohibit once for all
The use of any adjectives by writers great or small,
Dejection reigned in Fleet Street, and a welkin-piercing wail
Went up from all the journalists connected with the N**l.
All the purplepatch producers straight determined to convene
A conference of Protest — I was present at the scene ;
And though its poignant pathos my descriptive art defies
The substance of the speeches I propose to summarize.
First spoke the great GAKVINIUS : " My brothers, do not
flinch ;
To the tyrannous Buchmeister we will never yield an inch ;
For the life-blood of the headline, of the leader and the ' par '
Is that especial part of speech he seeks to ban and bar.
" 'Tis true some ancient pedant, whose taste was wholly vile,
Declared that nouns and verbs composed the proper stuff
of style,
But full adherence to this view one very rarely finds
Except in frigid, self -restrained, undemocratic minds."
Then followed LEO MAXIMUS, lord of the biting tongue,
Upon whose scarifying words the packed assembly hung,
Who swore he 'd sooner die than be forbidden to describe
As "poisonous pro-Bosches " the Mond and Brunner tribe.
With sacerdotal fervour next good BEQISIE took the floor,
Exuding moral uplift from ev'ry bounteous pore,
And upon the vast assembly fell a soul-enthralling calm
As he deluged their emotions with his super-fatted balm.
I cannot quite remember all the noble things he said,
But one seraphic sentiment stuck firmly in my head :
" How can we render justice, thus restricted and confined,
To LODGE'S beatific brow or BBYAN'S holy mind ? "
But the most pathetic protest heard on that historic day
Was uttered by our priceless and ineffable " TAT PAY,"
Who in accents choked with anguish made it absolutely
clear
That this abstinence from adjectives would ruin his career.
" In times of stress to make the wheels of life run smoothly
round
An all-pervasive lubricant must obviously be found,
And," the orator continued, " STANLEY BUCKMASTEB
forgets
That this aim is best achieved by eulogistic epithets.
" If I am not allowed to say our men are brave and fine,
Or that our women, young and old, with charms celestial
shine —
If I 'm forbid to lard with praise the lean expanse of prose,
I may as well at once prepare for turning up my toes."
We have not heard what answer to this cosmos-shaking
threat,
If any, has been issued by the Press Bureau as yet,
But it 's credibly reported that the PBKMIEB will advise
The amending of the order by the following compromise :—
Only epithets officially endorsed by the Bureau
Will be passed for publication, and the rest will have to go,
Including, as you 've probably the shrewdness to discern
" Terrific " and " significant," " amazing," " grim " and
" stern."
316
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 21, 1915.
AT THE PLAY.
'•THE PANORAMA OF YOUTH."
A FIRST-NIGHT audience, largely made
up of distinguished actors and actresses,
gave a friendly reception to Mr. J.
11 urri.EY MANNERS' new play at the
St. James's Theatre. The author calls
it •• a comedy of age," but it might he
more fitly styled "the tragedy of an
aiihurn wig." Sir Richard Gauntlctt,
widower, after a married life wrecked
hy the faithlessness of his wife, recovers
hope, and imagines that he has re-
covered youth, in the smiles of a charm-
ing widow, Mrs. Gordon-Trent, So he
dons the wig and a pair of stays two
sizes too small for him, and blossoms
forth as an Adonis of
twenty-five, much to the
disgust of his friends and
contemporaries, Glad-
win, retired soldier, and
Carstairs, ex-diplomatist.
They are possibly more
disgusted by the dithy-
rambs on the joys of
youth which Sir GEORGE
ALEXANDER has to de-
liver. Felicia, too, Sir
Richard's convent - bred
daughter, who worships
the memory of her
mother, is horrified at
the thought of her father-
marrying again. She is
in love with Geoffrey
Annandale,vf}iose mother
has also kicked over the
matrimonial traces — a
secret which lie imparts
first to his fiancee and
next to her papa. Then
in walks Mrs. Gordon-
Trent, and she, as you
excellent— notably that of Mr. ALFRED
BISHOP and Mr. NIGEL PLAYFATH as
the elderly friends; of Miss MADGE
TITHERADGK as Felicia, and of Mr.
OWEN NARES as Geoffrey. When the
speeches have been judiciously primed
and the action tightened up, The Pano-
rama of Youth should make a pleasant
enough entertainment. But we respect-
fully suggest that if the auburn wig
were made a shade less luxuriant
and the stay-laces slightly relaxed, Sir
GEORGE ALEXANDER'S part would gain
in probability. L-
" ADVERTISEMENT."
THERE is very little excuse for a
Revue unless it makes you laugh, and
each you have the Mother's peculiar
devotion to her Son, and her confession
of her relations with the Lover, now
dead ; in each the damning proof is
provided by a portrait which appears
to he the Son's but is really the Actual
Father's.
But the play is not without signs of
originality. Thus, the hero was never
once shown in khaki on the stage. This
novelty, however, is mitigated by tho
of a rather subordinate
character in uniform of this material
appearance
0 TO BE IK HAMPSTEAD WHEN THE GBAPES ABE RIPE 1
Adolf . Mr. LEON M. LION.
Luke Sufan , . Mr. SYDNEY VALENTINE.
will have guessed, is Geoffrey's peccant
mother.
In the Third Act Felicia makes an
impassioned appeal to her father not to
marry the sinful lady, and stings him
into the revelation that her own mother
had not been a saint either. But the
excitement, or the pressure of those
stays, is too much for a weak heart,
and he collapses on the sofa. Both
engagements are now off.
In the last Act Gladwin and Car-
stairs, dyed and corseted to match their
old friend's whim, arrive at Gauntlett
Abbey, to find him recovering, but minus
the auburn wig, the trim figure and the
illusions of youth. After them comes
Mrs. Gordon-Trent, determined to re-
unite Felicia to her Geoffrey, and inci-
dentally Sir Richard to herself. As no
one could resist Miss NINA BOUCICAULT
she has her way.
The play, it will be gathered, is of
the stage stagey, but the acting was
Mr. MACDONALD HASTINGS' production
in this kind at the Kingsway is not
nearly as funny as he could have made
it, for he has the true gift of humour.
I call it a Revue — though it was not
advertised as such — because it repro-
duces and combines nearly all the
popular features of recent plays. There
is the Young Man who is Not on Good
Terms with his Reputed Father (Search-
lights) ; the Jew of Commerce (Potash
and Perlmutter) ; the American Get-
rich-quick Method (passim), and the
Gallant Young Second - Lieutenant
(everywhere). All these features are re-
presented in Advertisement ; and I
might, if I were in a captious mood
(which is far from my thought) throw
in the Rehearsal for the Accolade, which
recalls The Twelve Pound Look. In de-
tail Mr. HASTINGS follows most closely
the lines of Searchlights. There the
Reputed Father hates the Son ; here
the Son hates the Reputed Father ; in
with red collar-tags. He steps straight
out of a newspaper office into a Staff
appointment. Another sign of the crea-
tive faculty was to be seen in the char-
acter of the Jew father, Luke Sufan.
Starting life as a strug-
gling musical genius, he
developed commercial
tastes, devoting himself
to the exploitation of
Sufan's Staminal Syrup
(" you pay a dime and
drink a dollar"), which
brought him a fortune
and even the menace of a
knighthood. It also acted
as a little rift within the
violin , which ultimately
made the music mute
and killed the man's soul.
.This is certainly a new
touch. Men have often
sacrificed other arts for
lust of lucre, but there
has never come within
my knowledge any pre-
vious case of a man's
sacrificing the art of
music for the profits of
a patent medicine.
The Christian wife,
who had married him in
early days for joy of his violin, was
soon driven by his brutality into
the protective arms of an old lover,
from whom she returns home in time
to bear her husband a son that isn't
bis. Sufan takes a high paternal pride
in him, educating him above his sphere,
and receiving open contempt in return.
The curtain rises upon the boy's twenty-
first birthday, which is celebrated by a
dinner-party given to the advertising
clique who have helped to boom the
Syrup, the father's object being to
bring home to his son the humble
origin of his exalted prospects. The
hoy admits to his mother his instinctive
disgust at his father's tastes, and she
responds by admitting the hereditary
cause of this unfilial attitude.
In the next Act, the sudden news of
the boy's death in the War, arriving
in the midst of a commercial seance,
throws Sufan into a paroxysm of grief ;
but the ruling passion is strong upon
AIMJII. 21, 191;j.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
:J17
WHAT THE WAR OFFICE HAS TO PUT UP WITH.
II. — THE INVENTOR OF THE BULLET-PROOF CDIRASS.
318
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHABIVARI.
[APRIL 21, 1915.
him, and ho recovers sufficiently to
receive a representative of the Press ;
and, seeing a chance of making capital
out of his son's gallant death, he hribes
the interviewer with a five-pound note
1 1 have never done this myself, nor
seen it done) to include in his report a
reference to the hero's father as the
creator and proprietor of Sufan's
Staininal Syrup.
It is not till the War is over (and
apparently forgotten) that he learns
the facts about the boy's fatherhood.
Among the few virtues that he has
retained (including a fluent familiarity
with Holy Writ) is a strong pre-
dilection for chastity, and he is ex-
tremely annoyed. His wife leaves
him ; he throws up the Syrup and the
chance of a knighthood and resumes
the violin habit. Finally, in his old age
she gets in touch with him again on the
roof of a Garden City, where he is keep-
ing the Feast of Tabernacles in a sum-
mer-house hung with very unlikely
grapes; and the prospect that "at even-
tide it shall be light " is symbolised as
the curtain falls by her readjustment
of his disordered neckwear.
As to the main purpose of his pUy,
Mr. HASTINGS has gone the way of least
resistance in justifying his title. Some-
thing worth while might have been told
us about certain secret methods of adver-
tisement ; but the ways of the patent-
medicine-monger have been too freely
exposed. • Something again (though per-
haps not very fresh) might have been
made out of the tendency to snobbery
in the attitude of a boy toward a father
who has educated him above his own
station ; but when he is actually the
son of somebody else, the fault may
be ascribed to heredity, and no moral
is to be got out of that.
For the rest, apart from the Jew's
character, which owes much of its
air of originality to its mixture of
incredibly inconsistent qualities, the
play is largely a rechauffA. There are
strong scenes, but they are not always
grounded upon humanity. Thus, though
the father's tears over the death of his
son caused us great embarrassment (the
sight of a grown man shaken with grief
is always a terrible thing), it was
modified by a suspicion of insincerity,
for he had never given any proof of
deep affection, but only of a parvenu's
pride in his boy's superiority. And
when this suspicion was rudely con-
firmed by his prompt effort to secure a
commercial reclame from his affliction,
we felt that the author had trifled
with our emotions.
Mr. HASTINGS has shown himself
capable of much better work than this ;
:ni 1 if he succeeds now he will have
I;H cast to thank for it. Mr. SYDNEY
VALENTINE was brilliant. There was
little trace of Hebraism in his accent,
and he glossed over the thinness of many
passages by extreme rapidity of speech ;
but he got every ounce of strength out
of the stuff he had to play with. Miss
LILIAN BRAITHWAITE brought a very
perfect dignity and sweetness to her
iifficult part as the wife. Miss ELLEN
O'MALLEY showed great tact and charm
in the pleasant interludes, too brief, in
which she was allowed to play a minor
rdle. Mr. ARTHUR CIIESNEY, as the
funny man among the advertising
agents, was obviously prepared to be
funnier still if he had been given the
chance ; and Mr. ATHOL STEWART as the
representative of The Daily Passenger,
who took a 'Staff appointment during
She War, and made the very slowest
kind of love before and after, was a
pattern of stolidity. As the Jew's Secre-
tary (with an eye for a stunt) Miss
VIOLET GRAHAM had little to do, but I
should never think of asking for a
prettier typist. Finally, as Adolf, who
played the piano and accompanied
the Jeiv's violin (not to be confused with
the Jew's-harp) when it was in use, and
served, when it wasn't, as a loyal, if
acquisitive, butler, Mr. LEON LION gave
a clever performance in the Perlmutter
manner. As a right Semite, Adolf had
strong views _on mixed marriages and
didT his best to confound the intru-
sive Gentile. He it was that, by
his wick'ed manipulation of their cor-
respondence, delayed the reunion of
the severed couple. But Sufan was
also to blame. When a man takes the
trouble to have his letters registered in
order to ensure their delivery he might
take the further trouble of posting
them himself, instead of leaving them
to the care of a suspected menial. And
so, of course, he would, except in a
play, where the. course of true love,
and even of untrue (as here), must
not lack for artificial corrugation.
. O. S.
THE DYSPEPTIC'S DILEMMA.
Jellaby is one of those miserable
crocks whose diseases are so vague and
uninteresting that nobody will listen
to them. Nobody, that is, who can
help it.
Since the War began he has been
worse than ever. Though I constantly
reassure him as to the state of my
memory, he never fails to give me his
long list of reasons (some of them quite
repulsive) for not enlisting.
" If I was only moderately fit," he
says, " I 'd have enlisted ages ago. But
a chap with my liver — (Here fol
lows a lengthy and fluent dissertation
on dyspepsia in general and liver trouble
in particular.) " So it has come to
this," he concludes: "I force — posi-
tively force — my breakfast down every
morning, and then comes that dreadful
fooling of repletion as soon as I leave
the table."
Once I asked him what his doctor
said, and Jellaby flared up immediately.
"Brown!" he cried. "That fellow
knows little and cares less about
dyspepsia. Told me there was nothing
wrong, the great beaming apple-faced
brute ! Said I was to take plenty of
hard exercise and laugh a lot. Laugh !
The man 's a blithering idiot."
Now Brown is an old friend of mine,
and a practical adviser if ever there
was one. I felt sure that Jellaby was
concealing something, and I took the
first opportunity to tackle Brown 0:1
the subject.
" I 've just been talking to a patient
of yours," I began ; " chap called
Jellaby."
The Doctor smiled. " Ah ! " said he.
And how is Mr. Jellaby this morning? "
" Mr. Jellaby," I said, "is too dys-
peptic to serve his country. He had
quite a lot to say about it."
The Doctor's smile broadened. '_' And
had he nothing to say about me ? I
suppose that professional etiquette for-
bids me to ask you, but —
"Jellaby considers," I announced
with relish, " that you are a blithering
idiot."
"And I told Mr. Jellaby," said the
Doctor, "that if he really wants to cure
his dyspepsia his best plan will be
tc
"Not enlist?" I cried.
"Just that," said the Doctor.
United Service.
"Lord Kitchener fopen to interviewers in
'a outfitting window has proved a groat
attraction. He is now displaying Navy Serge
Suits." — Shfpton Mallet Journal.
We do not pretend to know what
" fopen " means. But the rest of the
paragraph is easily intelligible, and we
foresee that a jealous Admiralty will
soon be exhibiting khaki in its windows.
The Somnambulists.
" When fire broke out early yesterday at
the City Hall, Glasgow, where '200 recruits are
billeted, the sleeping men were paraded and
helped to extinguish the flames."
Daily Mirror.
" Scandinavia has no doubt that in the latter
half of last week a naval engagement took
place between Great Britain and Germany in
the North Sea. The evidence is that of kippers
who, using their eyes and cars, put two and
two together." — Star.
From the very first the story was re-
garded as fishy.
APRIL 21, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
. WHATEYBB TOO DO. ALWAYS AVOID
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)
Long Furrows (MILLS AND BOON) is a story that I ended
>y liking much more than I hoped to at the start. It
night have been called a Book tor Mothers; I certainly
never read a tale more maternal. The special mother ol
the argument is Mrs. Lane, who lived at Clifton and had a
son named Robin and a candid friend named Brenda. The
ihing starts with Mrs. Lane going to a Founder's Day at
hfton College, and not enjoying herself, partly because
lobin would not come with her, partly because she had a
oreboding. Which was explained later when she returned
.o hear from Robin that he had been stealing from the
>ank at which he was employed, and that there was nothing
or him but disgrace and flight. So the two, mother and
on, fled together, and, after a tragic odyssey, eventually
(Fought up at a little secluded cove in Cornwall, where in
he end happiness found them— I shan't tell you how. Not
quite a cheerful book, as you see. Wasn't it Mrs. CRAIGIE
ho said somewhere that " Mothers are ominously silent
oncernmg the joys of existence " ? In a way that might
jerhaps be the view of Mrs. FRED EEYNOLDS. But not, I
hmk, altogether. The whole treatment of the relations
Between Esther Lane and her son is very delicate and true.
Vow I will tell you that what made me think I wasn't
romg to like the book was the conversation of the Clifton
isters at the Speech Day function. Especially one who
jj my eyes> and' Iookin8 at a field full of boys, said
uddenly, •• What are we doing for them ? " Much have I
travelled in the realms of pedagogy, but I have yet to meet
a schoolmaster who would say things like that. And before
a parent too! Fortunately this palpable creation of the
lady novelist makes but a fleeting appearance. And the
other characters are far more genuine.
I have just read The Salamander (SECKER) of Mr. OWEN
JOHNSON — a name new to me and one to keep on the select
list — and I feel I know just all about one side of that city
of surprises, New York. The Salamander is either a native
of New York or a migrant thither from a Western State.
It is of the so miscalled gentler sex, of any age from
eighteen to nominal twenty-five. It plays with fire to the
extent of eating it and living on it — that, roughly, is Mr.
JOHNSON'S idea. It can (as the saying is) take care of
itself. Naturalists observe that it has a long head and a
little heart. Quintessentially a cold and dishonest reptile,
it offers all and gives nothing in particular in exchange for
anything from " bokays " to automobiles. Beginning witli
male flappers, preferably the young of plutocrats, it later
fastens on the plutocrats themselves or their robust enemies.
Strong men, at whose nod railroad and chewing gum trusts
go quaking, fight publicly over it in equivocal restaurants.
Mr. JOHNSON'S particular salamander, Dork by pseudonym,
eschews the rigour of the game. She allows herself to be
hard hit, and, instead of running away with the hitter, is
betrayed by a maternal instinct (with which she has,
properly speaking, no business) to take unto herself a
young rotter with a determined spark of character glinting
behind his eyes, who has for her fair sake fought himself
320
PUNCH,
OR
THK
LONDON
CHARIVARI.
[APRIL
21,
1915.
free of the widow Cliqmt and others. This, I suppose, is to save a beggarman from a runaway van he deliberately
a concession to the molasses formula, though our author is ; refuses to risk a life so valuable to the community as his
too sincere a person to accept it, and hints in an epilogue j own, and leaves the rescue to his rival, Coppy (who carries
that burnt salamanders don't dread the fire as much as it off the girl in the end); and when Stone, following up these
would be comforting to their converted husbands to believe, two unpopular adventures, lets himself go bald-headed at a
This clever novel hasn't the air of caricature which the j public meeting for all the things that simpler folk reverence
subject might seem to invite. Dore herself is made plausible , he gets the push direct from his immense body of supporters
enough — no mean feat. Salamanderism is presented as a j and goes out a broken man. Perhaps Mr. FOBHAH makes
phase of the new feminism in U.S.A. An allied species
has been reported in Chelsea by detached observers.
In Mr. P. W. WILSON'S War study, Tlie Unmaking of
Europe (NiSBET), there is presented, together with a broad
statement of the circumstances leading up to the final
crash, a narrative of the events of the first five months of
the struggle. The author's work has this to recommend
it, that he lias really succeeded in
his effort to be fair (the effort is
almost too visible at times), and
that his manner of writing is
nearly always sufficiently flowing
to carry one without impatience |
over ground tha't is necessarily '
quite familiar. Not only does
one naturally remember all the
incidents related, but even the
phrases in which they are told
come forward, time and aga'in,
with something of an air of old
acquaintanceship ; yet this lack of
novelty, inevitable, I suppose, in
a history made by the week,
seems to detract very little from
the strength or even from the
vividness of the book. Perhaps
the impression of freshness is
derived a good deal from those
pages in which Mr. WILSON, leav-
ing the plain pathway of official
reports to wander among the
philosophies, comes to matters
that are intriguing because they
are controversial. His suggestive
analysis of the reasons for our atti-
tude towards Russia, for instance,
is well worth study, and I should
not have grumbled at rather more
of this sort of thing, which indeed
him rather too blind and too spotted for plausibility, while
Coppy Latimer, occasional abstainer and delinquent, had
the turning over of his new leaf made rather too easy for
him. Still, both Coppy and his author have their hearts in
the right place, and even Mr. SIDNEY WEBB would have
lost patience with Stone.
" 'ABF A POUND OF STEAK, AN1 MOTHEB BAYS, PLEASE
CUT IT TOUGH, AS WE 'VE GOT ONE OF KlTCHENEK's
ABMIES BILLETED ON US ! "
Though one may be inclined to think that Cornwall is in
danger of being written to death,
a welcome can still be offered
to Cornish Saints and Sinners
(LANE), which (as I discovered
rather cleverly, for the fact,
though stated, is not exactly pro-
claimed) is a "new edition."
Mr. J. HENSY HARMS has a
real love for his subject and
a true understanding of the
Cornish people; and as his book
has the additional advantage of
numerous drawings by Mr. L.
RAVEN HILL I can recommend
it emphatically to those who seek
Cornwall not only for its golf
and its cream and its alleged
resemblance, in climate, to the
Riviera, but also for the charm
of its legends. I could wish
that Mr. HARRIS had confined
himself to a mere narration of
the tales he has collected, for
some of the comments made
upon them and put into the
mouth of Guy Moore are terribly
facetious without being funny.
This, however, does not materially
affect the value of a praiseworthy
and successful attempt to do
justice to the Duchy.
the title had made me expect ; but I suppose it really could
not be done in the time. We should all have listened with
attention to P. W. W. commenting, say, on the uncanny
nactmty of the House of Commons, a subject that must
iiave had a certain painful attraction for him. His work
is to be continued, and I should like to think he will find
material for only one more volume, but I shall look out
with interest for as many as his subject gives him.
The excellent message which Mr. JUSTUS MILES FORMAN
ittempts to convey in The Blind Spot (WARD, LOCK) is
11 movements for social amelioration must be inspired
by love and compassion, and that the mere brainy organiser
fail Arthur Stone, taking an exactly opposite view,
rms that it is the emotional element which has been so
.strous and sterile in progressive movements, that
•mmon-sense alone is the essential factor ; and even goes
o far as to denounce the self-sacrifice of those brave souls
the wreck of the Titanic who made way for the savin"
E useless steerage lives which would likely enough 1-e a
Wtpetua] charge on the state ! Also, when a chance offers
WORDS TO A WAR-BABE.
VOCIFEROUS child, whose soft and pudgy phiz
But lately first beheld the heaven's effulgence,
Give ear to one related to you, viz.,
Your uncle, who would beg your brief indulgence
To voice in verse his condolence for all
The grievances that make you squirm and squall.
The^world, intent on war, observed your birth
With shameful nonchalance and cool passivity ;
No meteoric portent shook the earth
Upon the fateful night of your nativity;
No tempest whistled through the sea-god's beard;
No Taube bombed, no Zeppelin appeared.
Your father leaves you for his daily sheet ;
Your mother asks what all the battle news is ;
Your female kindred kneel not at your feet,
But bend themselves to tasks like Sister Susie's ;
O monstrous are your wrongs, but even so
They have not named you French or Jellicoe I
APRIL 28, 191.J.J
PUNCH, OR TUB LONDON CII AIM VARI.
321
CHARIVARIA.
TUB cost of the War up to date is
nated at, .ir.,867,000,000. This
seems a giva!. deal, and wo cannot help
thinking that there must have been
extravagance somewhere.
*.,*
" For every maltreated German sub-
marine seaman," says Die Post, " Ger-
many must seize an imprisoned British
ollicer and subject him to a tenfold
more cruel torture. No middle course
is possible. We have the example of
tin! Middle Ages before us, lot us follow
it." This frank confession on the part
of Germany that she is a bit behind
the Middle Ages is illuminating.
* *
;;:
According to the Kreuzzeitung, St.
Paul's Cathedral is filled with machine
guns and other military material. It
is always interesting to account for an
exaggeration, and the origin of this one
is- no doubt the fact that a few minor
canons have been seen in the sacred
edifice. * *
*
"KILL THAT FLY!
NECESSITY FOB A KIOOHOUS CAMPAIGN."
Globe.
At last the British public is waking
up to the Zeppelin danger.
* „*
It is denied, by the way, that the
three bombs which were found in the
grounds of Henham Hall were deliber-
ately aimed at that mansion on account
of its having been converted into a
hospital; they just fell there instinc-
tively. .,. *
" Yesterday the English made use of
grenades and bombs in the vicinity
east of Ypres which omit suffocating
and noxious gases." This message, The
Globe tells us, was sent out by German
wireless, and it is satisfactory to note
that the enemy admit our methods to
be more humane than their own.
•:- *
An inhabitant of Cologne has been
fined £3 for giving war bread to his
dog. The proceedings were instituted,
we understand, at the instance of the
local Society for the Prevention of
Cruelty to Animals.
*...*
" Has a place-name any right to a
mark of exclamation? " asks Observator,
in The. Observer, and instances the case
of Westward Ho ! It is certainly curious
that the much more violent expression
" Amsterdam " should have none, and
that some- of the most difficult names
in the War area have no such com-
ment permanently attached to them.
The Strand Theatre's new play is,
Motlier. "WELL, MASTEB JIM HASN'T GONE TO THE FBONT AFTEH ALL."
Cook. "On, POOR MASTER JIM! AND 'E'S so FOND OF A DAY'S SHOOTIN'."
we see, written by HABRIET FORD and
HARVEY J. O. HIOGINS, "in co-opera-
tion with Detective William J. Burns."
Was the Detective, we wonder, called
in to unravel the plot ?
--it :'.:
-.'•
Quito a little panic, we hear, was
caused amongelderly Music Hall artistes
the other day by the announcement
that a lecture was to be delivered at
the Boyal Institution on " Stars and
their Age."
''V
Grave-diggers in several parts of the
country are agitating for a rise in
wages on account of the increased cost
of living. The difficulty, of course, is
that, if a rise be granted, it may lead
to an increase in the cost of dying.
The Government remedy for the
drink evil is to be, we are told, " Low
alcohol." And we believe that even
that will be lowered.
" The Governors have a Temporary Vacancy
for a Teacher (either Male or Female) of
Temporary Mathematics, Physics and Chemis-
try."— Spectator.
Let us hope that they also have a
Permanent Vacancy for a Teacher of
Permanent German.
" PARIS, Wednesday. — The following
I official communique was issued to-night : —
A Zeppelin threw bombs near Bailleul at
our communique of last evening."
Western Evening Herald.
Another German attempt to suppress
the truth I
322
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APHIL 28, 1915.
ROME'S DELAYS.
[To my host of A certain Italian restaurant in London, who ever
MII.V last August has assured his clitnMe, on the strength of conn-
.Irntial information, that his country is on the very point of coming to
the -upport of the Triple Entente.]
Him often in those early clays,
lire yet the swallows southward drew,
When Vveryhoily stood at gaze
To see what Italy would do,
With line assurance you would speak,
Saving that she would soon be in it —
To-morrow, or the ensuing week,
In fact at almost any minute".
Brought by a little Roman bird
From sources secret as the tomb,
You would. impart the fateful word
That spelt the loathed Tedeschi's doom ;
Spiced like the good Falernian brand
That marks you out among padroni,
It cheered my heart, it nerved my hand
To wrestle with. your macaroni.
Then Summer passed and Autumn waned,
And, sitting where he'd always sat,
EMMANUEL on the fence remained,
But you were not put off by that ;
"' Italy Unredeemed,'" you'd say,
" Knflames our bosoms like a foment ;
Something will happen some tine day —
Indeed it might at any moment."
i
And so the Winter came and went,
And Spring, that calls the swallows home,
Sees your desire still fixed on Trent
But nothing doing down in Rome ;
And still you nurse your sanguine views
And with, the old conviction state 'em: —
"On Monday next? — I have the news-—
We mean to send our ultimatum."
And ^as the seasons roll and roll,
And Italy postpones the start,
I would not chill your fiery soul*
Nor dash your confidence of heart ;
But if she can't make up her mind
To join — and soon — the general outing,
She may arrive too late and find-
The funeral over (bar the shouting).
0. S.
UNWRITTEN LETTERS TO THE KAISER.
No. XX.
(From tlie Crown Prince of BAVABIA.)
A 1,1, HIGHEST WAR LORD, — I hasten to inform you that,
in accordance with your most respected and ever to be
promptly followed suggestion, I have to my brave Bavarian
soldiers another proclamation issued, bidding them to deal
roughly and swiftly with the by you despised British
army to which they are opposed. For the writing of this
proclamation I have used some all-glorious models which,
lest I should forget the style of them, I always by me
keep. I have assured my soldiers that they are fighting
to defend their Fatherland against the since years plotted
attacks of these prominently-toothed and long-legged mer-
cenaries, who ;iro driven to battle by the mere fear of
floggings to In; inflicted on them by their splenetic officers,
who themselves are afraid that if we Bavarians conquer
them they will not be supplied with roast beef and plum
pudding four times in every day, but will have to be
satisfied with the true German calf's cutlet and black
bread, of which, together with potatoes and liver sausage,
they are brutally attempting to deprive us.
I have also put in what I hope will be considered a tactful
allusion to God as the trusted ally of the Germans, and have
asked my soldiers to remember that they are carrying on
the War for freedom, so that, for instance, the poor Belgians
may be able to understand that friendship with England
means misery, while friendship with the civilised armies of
the German Empire means perpetual happiness and much
wealth. Finally, I have asked my soldiers to drive the
accursed invaders — for it is their intention to invade us —
into the sea, and to do it as roughly as possible in the old
splendid Bavarian way — though, to be sure, we Bavarians,
being an inland people, have but little acquaintance with
the sea and do not desire to increase that acquaintance.
Be that as it may, I have done my best, and have had
this fire-breathing proclamation read at the head of every
Bavarian regiment in the fighting line. One cannot pause
to be strictly truthful in a proclamation. Your Majesty
knows this as well as anyone, you being yourself a master
in that kind of romantic writing, and you will make allow-
ances, I am sure. Some stimulus the soldiers require, for
they know for certain that for months past they have stuck
tight in the same place and have even from time to time
been beaten back from their trenches in a highly unex-
pected and most inconsiderate manner. If this sort of
thing is to continue, even my honest Bavarians may begin
to murmur, for they will think with profound yearning of
their village-homes and of the delicious beer they used to
drink with so much happiness in the days which now seem
to be a dream that, cannot return.
When I myself think of Bavaria, with its many thou-
sands of breweries, all made prosperous by the patriotic
thirst of a cultured people, I confess that my heart grows
heavy in my breast, and, in spite of all my proclamations,
I find myself regretting the joys of peace and longing
for the swift end of this infernal war in order that we
Bavarians may get home to our beer and that the English
may use their long legs, not for rushing at us on the
battlefield, as they now do, with a most murderous
result," but for striding back to their transports and so
being comfortably conveyed to their own barbarous and
foggy island. That ought to be a sufficient punishment
for them. Let us, then, as quickly as possible make an end
of this War before worse things happen to us. For glory
we have assuredly done enough. Let us now take into
consideration the safety of our 'Fatherland, whether it be
Bavaria or Prussia. We cannot go on fighting for ever
and never gaining any ground, and I am sure that it is
better to drink Bavarian beer in peace than to live in
trenches and be bombarded by the English, however
bravely we endure it. I hope, therefore, that you will
not ask me to write any more furious proclamations.
Your sincere Friend and Admirer,
=^=^— __________ RUITKECHT.
" Evensong was held at eight o'clock. Collections were made for
the rich and poor." — West London Observer.
The collection for the rich was a particularly happy thought.
There is probably no class that has been more severely hit
by the War.
"Bonnie, the captivating son of the Earl and tlie girl, and,
incidentally, the ' days ex on achina ' is quite admirably done."
Yorkshire Post.
On tliis occasion the god seems to have stepped out of the
machine (linotype), and been replaced by the devil.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— APRIL 28, 1915.
«3L * >"il%
•^ •-' ^«ix!r
IN THE SPRING A YOUNG MAN'S FANCY
THE CROWN PKINCC. "I DON'T BELIEVE I WAS MEANT TO WIN BATTLES; I BELIEVE
I WAS MEANT TO BE LOVED."
: tl
•j i,. 10! \l. :• '
:.; .1,1-1
•i (Ml !l''.fl
APRIL 28, 1915.]
PUNCH, OB THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
325
MltfiUiiiil
PEOPLE WE SHOULD LIKE TO SEE INTERNED.
Visitor (Mghtly). "Now, CHATTEB AWAY, ASD TELL ins ALL ABOCT IT."
MY ORDERLY.
" WOULD ye believe it, Docthor," said
my medical orderly, Daniel O'Farrell,
the other day, " but a hungry German
walked into this very village this
mornin' to surrinder himself widout
his hilmut ? ' Go back and fetch it, ye
owdacious Teuton,' says I. ' There 's
Mary Delaney sittin' at home some-
wheres in Cork wid the fixed determina-
tion niver to marry me until I sind
along to her a German hilmut for to
hang up in the parlour window wid a
pot of ferns in it. Go back, ye Hun,
Mid if ye've any decent feelin' don't
come here again widout it.' "
To the " Halt ! Who comes there ? " of
the sentry outside my billet the other
night, I heard Dan saying, " Frind it
is, but only in the rigimental sense of
the word, Peter Murphy, until ye
widraw the expression ye used about
me yisterday." This in reference to
an occasion at the village estaminet
when Murphy had introduced him to a
gunner friend of his as " the regimental
But it is in the trenches that one
sees O'Farrell at his best. As he
crawls behind me with the medical
panier on his back he keeps up a lively
whispering, especially when we happen
to be working our way behind those
of his more intimate friends whose
domestic foibles afford him an opening.
" It 's no use, Patrick, annyone can
see ye 're used to nursin' twins by the
way ye handle your rifle."
" Is it composin' a Hymn of Hate to
your landlord, ye are, Mike? Shure
it 's a blessin' ye 've no rint to pay for
the trinch, or it 's sorra a week ye 'd
be out here."
Or to Eiley, a notoriously henpecked
man in domestic life :' " Enjoyin' the
quiet, Riley? Well, well, no man
deserves a restful day's shellin' more
than ye do."
Suddenly a " Jack Johnson " explodes
with a terrific din on a sand-hill in
front of our line. The somewhat
strained silence that follows is broken
by a cheerful and familiar voice : —
"A more wasteful and extravagant
way of shootin' small game I niver did
see before, Sorr. Though one mustn't
be hard on the craythurs, seein' that
they might aisily have mishtaken the
runnin" of the rabbit for an ambu-
lance movin' in the distance."
Just at present lie is in his billet
teaching a local farmer's daughter to
sing " Kathleen Mavourneen." The
result is not melodious, but they are
both exceedingly happy, and as I came
by the window I heard his encourage-
ment : —
" Whin ye can say ' Oireland ' widout
makin' a face over it, believe me, ye '11
be well on the way to shpakin' English."
The War would be a much sadder
thing to me without O'Farrell.
" What further part Paignton is destined to
play in the Great War will be made clear as
time goes on. There never was, and we con-
fidently believe never will be, a shadow of
doubt of the splendid loyalty of the town, and
whatever the sacrifices many have to make —
and they are many and diversified — all will be
borno with but one object and one determina-
tion, which is to see the war through to the
bitter end. ' with no complaining in our
sheets.' "— Paignton Observer.
If the KAISER expects to see Paignton
in a white sheet he will be disappointed.
" Wanted, a Two-Legged Horse, not less
than 16 hands. — Apply, Borough Surveyor,
Tamworth." — Tamworth Herald.
Unless the animal is wanted for the
local museum we should suggest that
one with more legs, even if fewer
hands, would be preferable.
826
IT NCR, OK TIIK LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 28, 1915.
ON THE SPY TRAIL.
IV.
couldn't, for every now and then lie
would jump up and chase one of the
and then ho had to start all
mouth close to the tortoise and bays
down the telephone at him.
sheep,
Tin- man next door lias had a shock : over again.
Jiinm\ says the man next door said really Jiave it out with him, and just
Jimmy says Faithful will sometimes
wait hours for the tortoise to come and
to his system -it was the same man
who told Jimmy that snowdrops were
luirhin^crs. You see, Jimmy's blood-
hound Faithful was sitting on the
window-ledge of Jimmy's bedroom
(.•atcliing flies for coming through the
window at him. If they didn't come
through, he just said " Snap"
and caught them as they
went by. Faithful is a good
snapper, and caught ten
flies and a bee. He didn't
want the bee really. You
see the bee thought Jimmy's
bloodhound was a geranium,
and settled on his nose.
Faithful turned both eyes in-
wards to get the bee in proper
focus, and then they both
said " Snap " at the same
time, and fell out of the
window together.
The man who was passing
below had his umbrella up
and was expecting rain, not
bloodhounds and bees, Jimmy
says.
Instead of getting up off
the ground, lie lay quite still,
and put his fingers in his
ears waiting for the bang.
He knew you bad to lie flat
on the ground till the bomb
went off, but he didn't know
how long you had to. stop
there while it did it. Jimmy
says the man appeared very
thoughtful when he got up ;
he seemed to be considering
something.
It took Jimmy a long time
to find his bloodhound, and
then lie found him holding
his nose in a bucket of water '
to cool it, and looking from
side to side as if he expected
another bee. Jimmy says it
was all right when he tied
a blue bag on to Faithful's
" Hush ! " just like that.
Jimmy's bloodhound wasn't quite
himself next morning for some reason
or other: he had a hiccough for one
thing, and seemed perturbed. Jimmy
says the bee must have felt a bit
when Faithful is getting tired of wait-
ing the tortoise will slowly push out
one hind leg and wag it at him, and
then draw it back quickly just as
Faithful is going to begin.
Jimmy says Faithful doesn't know
the tortoise is a hundrod-and-
tlireo years old, that 's why.
But Jimmy could see Faithful
had got his iron nerve hack
again, because after he had
had a little snooze he climbed
under the hedge and went
and drank the milk that had
been put out for the cat next
door.
Jimmy says the cat came
at half time and deliberately
. went up to Faithful and gave
; him the coward's blow, and
i when Faithful was going to
i hurl the taunt in her lace
she went and looked like a
camel at him.
.Jimmy says it was awful, \
for you know what blood- |
, hounds are when they
are
' LOOK, ALFRED, THERE 's THE NEW MOON. HAVE YOU BOWED? "
' NO, AND I 'M SOT GOING TO. LAST TIME I DID AND SHE CUT ME.'
nose, except that Faithful had to keep
looking round the corner of the blue
bag to see where he was going.
Jimmy says Faithful must have
swallowed the bee, because when his
nose <.rot all right he swallowed the
blue bag. Jimmy says bloodhounds
have got a lot of instinct like that, and
it 's done by careful breeding. Faithful
was very restless that night. Jimmy
thinks the blue bag or the bee must
have curdled on his stomach. He
tried to sing himself to sleep, but he
couldn't go off.
unstrung jtoo, as he couldn't hear it
buzzing when he listened outside
Faithful. Jimmy says that perhaps
it couldn't see well enough to buzz.
But whenever Jimmy's bloodhound
roused. They just catch the j.
cat by the middle of the back, I
throw it once — only once, I
Jimmy says — up in the air, I
and then leave it for the
gardener to bury.
Jimmy says it 's all done by
knack, and that's why cats
push their backs up out of :
reach ; they know.
Jimmy says it was a very ;
unwilling cat, and was very
rude to his bloodhound ; it
did something at him with
its mouth, so Faithful just'
came away and bided his
time ; he is a good bider.
In the afternoon Jimmy;
took Faithful on the trail :
he wanted to catch a spy
before the grass got damp.
way
and
loses its iron nerve, it has a
which soon makes it feel bold
daring.
It 's a tortoise, and it 's a hundred-
ahd-three years old, Jimmy says.
Whenever Faithful sees the tortoise
he always pulls himself together and
He tried a different direction this time,
but Faithful seemed to know. He soon
got into his steady swing, and led Jimmy
right away to a house which stands a
quarter of a mile back from the road.
They had to crawl stealthily along a
hedge, and then through another hedge
on to a lawn.
Jimmy says he hid behind a laurel
bush whilst Faithful did his deadly
work. Jimmy says it 's a grand sight
to see a bloodhound working well.
Jimmy says Faithful then tried to j toise refuses ' to growl back Faithful
go to sleep by counting sheep, but he ! gets husky with rage and puts his
dares the tortoise to come out of its Faithful tirst visited some bones be;
shell. Jimmy says that when the tor-
knew of in a tulip bed; Jimmy says
they may have been human bones — of
another spy. Then Faithful advanced
APBIL 28, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
327
very cautiously to an open window, on
the lodge of which a lady Lad just
placed some crumbs for the birds.
.Jimmy says Faithful very carefully
placed his paws on the window-ledge
and, gradually drawing himself up,
reached out with his tongue.
Jimmy says the lady must have
been in the room and seen Faithful's
full face rising at her over the window-
li-il-r, I'm- hr hoard her give a gasp liko
pouring cold water down another boy's
neck.
When Faithful heard the gasp he
stopped reaching out for the crumbs
and, holding on with all his might, he
fixed the lady with his eye. Jimmy
says the lady sank amongst the furni-
ture, he could hear her doing it ; but
before she did it she said something to
Faithful which caused him to lose his
grip and fall with his whole weight
right back on a pink hyacinth : it bent
it nearly double, Jimmy says.
It is awful when a bloodhound fixes
you with his eye, Jimmy says ; it goes
all down your spine and makes you
feel like you do when the photographer
takes the cap off the camera at you.
Jimmy says that Faithful looked
quite downcast ,when he saw him in the
road ; it was because he knew he had
made a mistake. You see Jimmy had
seen the lady before ; her name was
Mrs. Jones, and she used to collect for
the War. But could a prize blood-
hound like Faithful possibly make a
mistake? that's what puzzled Jimmy.
Jimmy saw the lady again two or
three days after when she called to see
his mother. Jimmy says Susan opened
the door, and the lady told Susan, she
had called for the War. Susan said if
she would step inside she would get
it for her. Jimmy says Mrs. Jones
stepped inside and began to wipe her
feet upon his bloodhound, who hap-
pened to be lying down curled up in
tin- hall.
Jimmy says that 's one of the things
you should never do with bloodhounds ;
it goads them. Jimmy says Faithful
must have been thinking of the bee in
his sleep, for he said "Snap" very
quickly this time, before the lady's boot
could say it back, and then he did the
side stroke upstairs as hard as he could.
Mrs. Jones was very angry with
Faithful for saying " Snap" first. She
said some words to Jimmy's blood-
hound which Jimmy had heard before.
•Jimmy says it was on the day when
ho bought a lemon to suck in front
of a man playing the flute in a German
Band. You have to let him see you
sucking it by making a juicy noise-
with your mouth, Jimmy says, and it
makes his mouth w*ter, and all in good
time he throws the- flute at you.
How Sin BF.NJAMIK GOLDMORE AND HIS JUNIOR CLEBK USED TO PASS ONE ANOTHER
IP THEY MET IN THE ClTY
-AND HOW THET PASS 01TE ANOTHER NOW.
Jimmy says you do it by being very
quick, and you can hear the German
words coming after you as you go along.
Jimmy says Mrs. Jones only said
some of the words, and then settled
comfortably on the floor with her head
in the umbrella-stand. Jimmy's mother
heard one of the words ; it was
" verfluchter." Jimmy says his mother
would make a splendid detective if she
were only a man. When Mrs. Jones
recovered and wanted to go and have
her leg amputated, Jimmy's mother
took her into the drawing-room and
began writing down names in the lady's
Belgian Relief book. She told Jimmy
she put her own name down for £10,
and then Jimmy's for £5, and then
Susan's and Faithful's, and kept break-
ing the pencil after every entry. She
said she thought the policeman would
never come, and was just going to put
his name down for a lot of relief when
he brought it himself.
Jimmy says they went very quickly
to the police-station because when the
cabhorse turned round and saw Faith-
ful he bolted.
The policeman told Jimmy next day
that it was a clear case, and that the
magistrates were going to sit on Mrs.
Jones next week for being a spy.
828
PUNCH,
oil
TIIK LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 28, 1915.
THE BRIDGE-BUILDERS.
l'i i.'iii: we went into tramp our
Commandant had been learning to tie
knots. In order to let his knowledge
off on us lie decided to liuild a bridge
and asked us to help him. Bridge
building requires a inuuher of pieces
nl 'wood . These ran he commandeered
without dilliculty if the owner isn't
ah,. ill. If he catches von, you appeal
to his patriotism. The hits of wood
are tied toother with rope and lash-
ings (string ami twine stretch too
much). If the bits of wood stay where
you have tied them, you call the result
a bridge : if they change their positions
much you rename it a boom or barri-
cade according to whether you are
using water or not. Water isn't
essential to bridge-building, but it adds
to the amusement. If the bridge
stands up long enough you call in
the photographer. You further test
it by detailing the officers and men
whose loss won't affect the efficiency
of the Battalion to tread on it. This
affords practice for the stretcher-
bearers and hospital orderlies. When
you have discovered how many men
the bridge won't carry, you can eitlier
reconstruct it or revert to the boom • or
barricade theory.
Our Commandant, who has a sense
of humour, borrowed a pond. We
succeeded in commandeering the wood,
though not without having to appeal to
the owner's patriotism. We told him
that every log which he lent us would
probably save the life of a man at the
Front. He was either very obtuse or
no patriot, and we had to promise to
return the logs in the same state of
repair in which we found them (fair
wear and tear excepted). As our Com-
mandant wasn't present we offered his
personal guarantee. The log-owner
knew our Commandant, and we had to
throw in a Quartermaster and Pay-
master. The Quartermaster got the
rope and lashings on credit.
The pond had a ready-made island
in the middle and we were ordered to
throw the bridge on to the island.
Bailey didn't understand that the word
" throw " was used in the technical
sense and started with the ingredients,
lie was short with the three i!rst
and the splashes attracted the
attention of our Company Commander.
This of itself was enough to spoil
Bailey's day, apart from other incidents.
We laid a number of logs on the
^mimd in a nice pattern and the Com-
mandant named the pieces. Weiie\e>
decided on the name of one big log :
I called it " Splintery Bill " (after the
Adjutant), the Commandant called it
a " transom," and the Adjutant, when
it fell on his toe, called it something
else.
The Commandant showed us ho\\
to use his knots in tying the logs
together. \Ye made the knots, and he
said that we had constructed a trestle.
\Yheri we tried to stand the thing on
end it didn't look in the least like a
trestle. Our Commandant said we
hadn't made the knots as he told us,
and that he would have to do it him-
self. When he had finished, it held
together better, but didn't look quite
sober. After a third combined attempt
we were able to attach road-hearers
and get it into the water. We started
to hammer it into the mud, but some
of the blows weren't accurate, and
Holroyd had to retire to the hospital
tent while we repaired damage.
Eventually we got the trestle fixed up
and attached pieces of wood called
chesses to the road-bearers. If these
things are. properly applied you can
walk on them, and our Junior Platoon
Commander was requisitioned to demon-
strate the fact. Either he didn't tread
on the good chesses or the whole thing
wasn't as practicable a piece of work
as it looked.' He joined Holroyd in
the hospital tent.
The othei1 trestles had to be erected
in deeper water, and wading volunteers
were called for. Our uniform isn't
guaranteed unshrinkable and there was
a shortage of volunteers. The discovery
of a boat seemed likely to solve the
difficulty. The boat wasn't found in
the water, so we didn't know for certain
if it was watertight. No mention of
this possible defect was made to Bailey
when we started him on his cruise.
Bailey was half-way between the hank
and the island when the boat sank.
Bailey can't swim very well and a
fatigue party had to be told off to
rescue him. Bailey and his rescuers
all say that the corps o\ight to pay for
their new uniforms. Since then our
boy buglers (to whom the shrunken
uniforms were transferred) have de-
clined to wear them on the ground
that they haven't shrunk in the right
proportions. Boys are far too fastidious
now-a-days ; it is absurd to suggest
that they cannot bugle evenly with
one sleeve shorter than the other.
We got the bridge finished without
many more accidents and appointed the
committee to test it. OurCommandanl
wouldn't lead the committee. He said
that they were retreating and that he was
going to direct operations against the
advancing enemy from his proper place
in the rear. Only four men retreated
over the bridge. When it collapsed
two Platoon Commanders remained on
the bridge to the last, The, men who
had got on to the island seemed pleased
with themselves and rather amused
when the bridge became a boom. They
were quite upset when they found out
that wo hadn't time to liuild another
bridge for them to cross hack again.
It was the hour for tea, and bridge-
building is really engineers' work. It
isn't necessary for riflemen to keep on
at it when they have once learned how
it is done. The islanders said that they
would rather stay where they were than
go home through the water. The
Commandant said he didn't mind so
long as they were comfortable, and we
marched back to camp.
They arrived in camp very wet and
hungry just before "lights out." They
had got to dislike the island. They said
the place was damp and unhealthy,
and that the only available food was a
duck and some duck's eggs. They
hadn't any means of cooking the duck,
and the bird, who was sitting on the
eggs, refused to be dissociated from
them. In any case there was nothing
to indicate their age. The society, too,
was limited ; they weren't on very good
terms with one another ; and the duck ,
owing to its interest in the eggs, was
quite unclubable.
On the following day thc.-a was a
very interesting triangular discussion
between the log-owner, the pond-owner
and our Commandant on the righls
of property.
HUNNISH.
THE NEW LANGUAGE.
THE Hamburg Fremdenblatt proposes
that a new verb, " weddigeti," should ho
employed in the sense of " to torpedo,"
as a lasting honour to the man who
blew up so many British ships. We
suggest the following additions to the
new vocabulary : —
bemstorffen — to spread the light in
benighted neutral countries.
ivolffen = to follow in the steps of
GEORGE WASHINGTON.
biilowcn = to give away other people's
property.
tirpitzen — to grow barnacles.
svenhedin = a revised pronunciation
of schweinh&nd.
strafenylander = humourist or funny
man.
We even hope to see the list extended
to include the phrase " to berlin."
"In the affair of Wednesday night the in-
vader found himself at a less. His ol-j
was clearly Newcastle. Yet he got no nearer
than Walsull."— Globe.
This praiseworthy attempt on the part
of The, Globe to mislead the enemy as
to his whereabouts was unfortunately
frustrated by other journals, which gave
the place correctly as " Wallsend."
An
2H, I !)!.->.]
PUNCH, Oil THH LONDON CHARIVARI.
329
Lady Customer. "YES, THIS is BETTER WEATHER NOW. SOME PEOPLE THINK ALL THE KAIJI WE HAD A LITTLE TIME AGO WAS
CAUSED BY THE FIRING OP HEAVY GUNS IN BELGIUM."
Dressfitter. "I DON'T BEE HOW THAT CAU BE, MADAM, FOR I REMEMBER WE MOSTLY HAD VERY FINE WEATHER DURING THE
SOUTH AFRICAN WAR."
SOME NEW WAE BOOKS.
With a Month Organ in Flanders.
By MAGNUS MAC-LUSKIN.
" Tliis is incomparably the finest book on
War ili.it lias yet been published. Mr.
Marl.uskin is a master of his instrument and
pla\s upon the public like an old fiddle."—
Dinly Muse.
U'lint I Think of Kitchener, Jo/n- <nu1
the (i rand Duke.
By FEKDINAND TOSHER.
" This is a far hotter book than the best of
rve. With insight and tenderness and
• Sir. Tosher has written a work which
will live lor ever and even longer." — Mr.
.tun in •• '/'he Daily 1'ur."
Jfuxini/s on Mii/i/nl Multern.
By A SANDWICHMAN.
•• An arresting volume. This saiidwichnian
will o,, far. Dostoievsky might have been
proud to have written the chapter on the Sam
Browne belt." - '/'/«• l'i,iitl,r.
"A -oul -sliakingbook." - Tln-l>i, ih/ Crouser.
Lyrics of Carnage.
By Snr.n.A I'. STHTI:.
•; The lines!, book that Mrs. Slot.- has yet
written. Replete with luscious imagery and
relentless realism. I have already given away
ten copies to my friends. Mrs. Stote is the
American Pushkin." — Clement Lonymire in
•' The Orb."
•Is. net in limp lamb-skin.
2s. 6d. net in crimson crash.
5s. net in purple velvet, with Portrait.
SMALL ADVEETISEMENTS.
IF W. HOHENZOLLERN, said to be a
Professor of the Mailed Fist, will
apply to Enver and Co., Queer Street,
Constantinople, he will HEAR ov
SOMETHING.
WlLHELM OR WlLHELMINA. Will all
with these names send their contri-
butions as soon as possible so
that more unarmed British may
be sunk by our submarines? The
need is great as the Enemy Mer-
chant Service at present shows
hardly any sign of being affected by
our frightfulness.
ADVERTISER who, at beginning of
War, purchased number of Ticklers
with which to celebrate victories in
streets of Vienna, would ba prepared
to sacrifice for low cash figure. A
number of flags, also other bunting,
for sale at clearance prices.
GENTLEMAN, whose views on war,
politics, etc., are well-known on 9.15
Kurbiton — Waterloo, seeks greater
SCOPE. Would be prepared to take
over general managership of Govern-
ment business (as per speech of
CHANCELLOR) if conditions satisfac-
tory.
PEOPLE OF TRIESTE !
Somebody else's
KING AND COUNTRY
CEDE You.
ZEPPELINS for British - fed POULTRY.
Our Staff undertakes these painless
extinctions. — KAISER ANoCo., Family
Butchers.
WOODROW WILSON'S SOOTHERS act like
a charm. German friends should try
one on the tongue at Hate time.
Commercial Modesty.
Inscription on a shop-window in
Birmingham : —
"Ici on parle fr.ui'.-ais un pen."
330
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[Amir, 28, 1915.
THE SLACKER.
THE "ORION'S" FIGUREHEAD AT
WHITEHALL
ALL wind and rain, the clouds fled fast
across the evening sky —
Whitehall aglimmer like a beach the
tide has scarce left dry ;
And there I saw the figurehead which
once did grace the bow
Of the old bold Orion,
The fighting old Orion,
In the days that are not now.
And I wondered did he dream at all of
those great fights of old,
And ships from out whose oaken sides
Trafalgar's thunder rolled ;
There was Ajax, Neptune, Temeraire,
Revenge, Leviathan,
With the old bold Orion-,
The fighting old Orion,
When Victory led the van.
Old ships, their ribs are ashes now ; but
still the names they bore
And still the hearts that manned them
live to sail the seas once more,
To sail and fight, and watch and ward,
and strike as stout a blow
As the old bold Orion,
The fighting old Orion,
In the wars of long ago.
They watch, the gaunt grey fighting
ships, in silence bleak and stern ; i
They wait — not yet, not yet has dawned
the day for which they burn !
They 're watching, waiting for the word
that sets their thunders free,
Like the old bold Orion,
The fighting old Orion,
When NELSON sailed the sea.
Oh, waiting is a weary game, but
NELSON played it too,
And, be it late or be it soon, such deeds
are yet to do
As never your starry namesake saw who
walked the midnight sky —
Old bold Orion,
Fighting old Orion,
Of the great old years gone by.
And be the game a waiting game we "11
play it with the best ; .
Or be the game a watching game we '11
watch and never rest ;
But the fighting game it pays for all
when the guns begin to play
(Old, .bold Orion,
Fighting old Orion)
Like the guns of yesterday.
Another Impending Apology.
" Mr. Wing opened a more thorny subjecl
\,\ his inquiry whether the sale of alcohol wil"
prohibited in the Houses of Parliament, so
as to ' bring its pulse into aceord with the
other palaces of the King' . . . Mr. Wing,
who was evidently full of his subject . . ."
Scotsman.
An Infant in Arms.
:' COOK. —At Winnipeg, Canada, on 15th
April, to Mr. and Mrs. E. A. D. Cook, a
daughter. Serving with the Cameron High-
landers. (N£c Annie Johnston.) (By cable.)
Scotsman,
As her parents were so doubtful about
her patronymic this youthful Anm/on
determined to enlist at once, and make
a name for herself.
Onomatopoeia.
" A well-known boatman, Joe Studd, says :
I was awakened by the buzz zof the enginzes."
Kre-rdng Star.
This typographical effort to imitate the
sound of a Zeppelin does our contem-
porary credit.
The Kaiser in Art.
AUTISTS ! Men may always know
Portraits of our pious foe
By his fierce moustachio.
Is that why it seems to you,
When you're drawing WILHELM II.,
Any sort ofjace will do ?
PUNCH, OH TIIK LONDON CHABIVARL— APRII, 28. 1915.
THE AWAKENING.
APBIL 'JH, L91fi
ITNVIl, Oli TIIK LONDON CI I A I; I VAUI.
prohibited they \vould, lie said, go oil'
to their homes or their clube and take
their accustomed drink.
"In a time of stress like th.
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
(I'.viuu ! i 1 1 mini -mi. In \ie. OF TOBY, M.I'.)
(if' ('(HIIIIHHIX, T/li'M/'ll/, 20//4
( Ine '-liehtK compensatory re-
sult of devastating War is reduction
of number of Questions addressed to
Ministers. Moon known to stop short
of the round do/en. Instinctively lelt
that at p.'riod of national crisis this
cheapest method of self-advertisement
is bad form. To-da\ unaccountably
except on ground that, long week-end
provides mischief for idle hands to do
Hood set, in with the old rush.
"Hero is an ex: ra Monday thrown
into week-end," says honourable
Member in privacy of his study. " Let
us draft a few questions addressed
to EDWARD GREY, LLOYD GEORGE,
TEN N A NT or all three. They 've nothing
particular to do and are well paid for
doing it. We '11 get our name into the
Parliamentary Report and our con-
stituents will see we're on the spot."
Accordingly Paper distributed this
morning crowded with 1.07 questions,
lort\ of them standing in five names
that are familiar in this connection.
Within limit of Question hour (which
by Westminster clock runs only for
three-quarters) 112 were put and an-
swered. Replies to the rest will be
printed and circulated with votes in
the morning. That a game not worth
the candle consumed in drafting them.
You may circulate replies just as you
may take a horse to the pond. But
you can't make the public read them,
and no one will know how active and
intelligent are the authors of these j insisted, "we should have less 'rat her
forty-five belated queries. than more of the make-believe that is
No other business being on hand, way part of the daily life of all politicians."
made for Member for Houghton-le-
Spring — quite a total-abstainer touch
about name of constituency — to move
his Resolution prohibiting, during
continuance of War, sale of alcoholic
liquors in refreshment rooms and bars
of House. His MAJESTY'S personal
example specially cited in support of
proposal. tf^JIW ^' tf ?• »\\^\ / ts*
Quickly made apparent that House $$]$&*£*, HH&^r' «*£**
was sharply divided, with preponder- ( Hffif lllU \MM *^
anoe of opposition. COLLINS, KT.,
presenting himself to favourable con-
sideration of House as a "total
abstainer by birth," plumped for
Resolution, as did BY- Yont - Lr.ir
JONES and other teetotalers, whether
by birth or adoption. On the con-
trary (his favourite attitude) ARTHUR
MAIIKHAM, habituated to call a spade
a spade, in extreme eases a pickaxe.
denounced the motion as "pure cant."
BONAB LAW put that view of it in
anotherform. Members would support
the Resolution, and it sale of liquor
"LA SOURCE."
The Member for Houghton-le-Spring.
(Mr. WINO.)
present laid upon the country," he
" A Total Abstainer by birth."
(Sir STEPHEN COLLINS.)
As for MARK LOCKWOOD, Chairman
of the Kitchen Committee, who has
hauled down from his buttonhole the
carnation that had acquired the status
of a parliamentary institution, he was
within precincts of the House were so agitated that 'he stumbled upon a
hull whoso originality, breed and excel-
lence made the few Iri^h Members
present green with env\.
" The profits of the Kitchen Depart-
M \i!K wailed, "arc growing
less and less every day. If this resolu-
tion is passed it will reduce what is
left, which is /;//, I \ ;".<) per cent."
In face of this appalling menace,
Resolution was shunted by adjourn-
ment of the debate xin<>. dii:
Jiuxiiifnn done. — None. House ad-
journed at 5 o'clock.
W'riliti-stliti/. LLOYD GEORGE is in-
debted to Mr. I It: WINS for opportunity
of making the most important state-
ment with respect to affairs at the
I'Yont heard in the Commons this year.
Member for Hereford submitted Reso-
lution declaring urgent necessity of
enlisting under unified administra-
tion resources of all firms capable of
producing munitions of war. Pointing
out that motion was tantamount to a
vote of censure, since it implied that
the Government were not doing their
duty and that the House ought there-
fore to pass a resolution calling their
attention to it, CHANCELLOR said he
could not consent to its adoption. At
the same time he cordially approved
its suggestion, and proceeded to show
in detail that it had long been embodied
in policy and action of the Government.
Lifting the veil behind which for
strategic purposes the War Office works,
in a few sentences he brought home
to least imaginative mind stupendous
character of our operations. The
" contemptible little army " at which
eight months ago the KAISER sneered
has grown till there are now in the
field six times as many men as formed
the original Expeditionary Force, all
fully equipped and supplied with
adequate ammunition. Wherever
German shot or shell has made a
vacancy in the trendies or in the
field, another British soldier has
stepped in to fill it.
As to ammunition the War Oflice
has been faced by unexpected in-
crease in expenditure. Taking the
figure 20 as representing output last
September, CHANCELLOR showed that
it has increased by leaps and bounds
till in March it reached 388. He
confidently anticipates that this month
the ratio will proportionately advance.
During the few days' fighting round
Neuve ChapeUe almost as much am-
munition was expended byourartillery
as was fired during the whole of the
two-and-three-quarter years of the Boer
War. And not only were our own
demands met, but we could also help
to supply the need of our allies.
Curiously small audience for mo-
mentous statement. Effect produced
PUNCH, OR TIIK LONDON CHARIVARI
[APRIL 28, 1915.
-, ;
Teacher. "WHAT DOES FF STAND FOB?"
Child (learning mUtary March). " PUMP ! PUMP ! "
instant and impressive. So marked
is success of new departure in direction
of taking Parliament and the country
into confidence on the trend of affairs
at the Front that hope is entertained
that it will encourage Ministers to re-
newed excursions on the same lines.
Immediate result of speech, which
BONAB LAW hailed with patriotic satis-
faction, was that HEWINS' amendment
was negatived without a division.
Business, done.— -^CHANCELLOR OF EX-
CHEQUER made heartening statement
on position with respect to munitions
of war.
Thursday.— -In Committee on War
Office votes valuable speech contributed
to debate by WALTER LONG. Effectively,
because without acrimony, he criticised
certain actions of War Office, heads of
which, being, after all, only human,
cannot fairly be expected under un-
paralleled stress to be free from lapses
into oversight.
One case mentioned made deep im-
pression on Committee. A Brigadier
General, leading his men into battle,
was hit by a shell and badly wounded,
his Brigade decimated by thunderbolts
from the enemy's concealed batteries.
Tiie General, reaching home out of the
jaws of death, apparently lamed for life,
was rewarded by being put on half-
pay, not on the scale of General, but of
Colonel.
The MEMBER FOB SARK, who has
personal knowledge of the case, tells
me WALTER LONG might have added
that this gallant officer, eager to serve
hi.s country at the Fj-ont, voluntarily
resigned one of the prizes of his pro-
fession, and now finds himself crippled,-
stranded, on half-pay. This pour en-
courager les entires.
Fortunately PRIME MINISTER present.
Listened] with sympathetic attention to
WALTER LONG'S story, especially to the
BrigadiertGeneral incident. Certainly
worth looking into.
Business done. — PRIME MINISTER
moved, LEADER OF OPPOSITION seconded,
House acclaimed, Resolution recording
" exemplary manner in which Sir DAVID
ERSKINK has discharged the duties of
Sergeant -at -Arms, and has devoted
himself to the service of the House for
a period of forty years." House ad-
journed till Tuesday.
" The flames were soon extinguished, and
shortly after returned to the fire station."
Newcastle Evening Chrmiidc.
They should never have been allowed
to leave it.
BALM ABOUNDING.
[In an interview with a German journalist
the SULTAN is reported to have said he was so
glad to hear that the KAISER was in good
health, a fad it was impossible to gather from
the enemy's Press.]
THE voice of doom is sounding
All up the Dardanelles ;
The foe may soon be pounding
Oui gates with shot and shells ;
But tilings of this description
Can't worry us a bit
When we peruse the gladsome news :
" The KAISER 's keeping -fit."
The end of our endeavour
To reach the Suez banks
Awoke no grief whatever
In our disordered ranks ;
In search of consolation
We only had to think
" What boots the fact that we were
whacked ?
The KAISER 's in the pink."
Our fleet has won no glory;
The Goeben counts as nil ;
But Deutschland's cheering story
Can cure our every ill ;
And when Constantinople
Is smashed to smithereens
We '11 make no moan if it is known
The KAISER 's full of beans.
;
Ariui.
PUNCH, ni; Till-: LONDON CHARIVARI
833
»/»tfVc/» '
Tommy (on Salisbury L'Unn). '• MY, Kn.,. ! AIN'T THEY IAMB BOUND
THE EVER-ALERT.
I MET my ol»I friend the loader-writer
on his way to work. His eye flashed
Ins l)n >\v gloomed, his powerful jaws,
\sere set, his step was linn and deter-
mined. SHELLKY'H lines floated into
memory: —
' In thiit hour of deep contrition,
I beheld, with clearer vision,
TliroiiKh all outward form and fashion,
Justice, the Avenger, risg."
The third rhyme may not 1)3 quite
up (o modern standard ; but the spirit
is there, and it was the spirit that
Affected me. I felt that I too was in the
presence of something very like Fate.
" What ho ! " I said. " On the war-
path ?
" ff you mean, am I going to the
office? yes," he replied.
" Going to let some one have it hot? "
I continued.
His demeanour increased in vehem-
ence. -Of course," he replied.
"Who is it this time?" I asked.
"Who is (he last tired official who,
alter mom Its of hard work and anxiety,
has failed to reach your high-water
mark nnd must therefore he lashed in
public."
I shan't know till I gel there," he
said. •• There 's certain to be some one.
•nut how did you guess '.' "
"Not difficult," I replied. "Your
very look showed me that. I can see
it .M>m- duty is as plain to you to-day
as it was yesterday and always has been
But for you and your punctual pen ;
don't know where England would be?"
His sternness relaxed. "I'm glac
you think like that," lie said.
" I do," I replied. " I think England
was never to be so felicitated on her
Press as to-day. Her leader - writers
were never so vigilant for defects in
our administration or so instant in pro-
claiming them for everyone to see."
He beamed.
" I hope so," he said. Then a shade
of anxiety flittered over his brave stolid
countenance. " You don't think there 's
any danger of our striking the rest of
the world as a nation divided against
itself, do you ? " he asked.
" My dear fellow," I assured him,
" what a ridiculous idea ! "
He seemed to be relieved.
" The truth is above all," he said.
" It is," I replied, " far above. Out
of reach for most oj us, but never inac-
cessible to the grave and sagacious
Press. You journalists know. All is
simple to you. There are no complex-
ties in administrative work. Black is
jlack and white is 'white when one is
governing a country, and there are no
mlf-tones as in all;other walks of life.
Every mistake must be branded; no
one's good faith must be trusted ; no
one in a difficult! position must be
helped. Don't you' agree ? "
' It is a mighty organ," he said. " I
hink that the importance of the Press
as a critic of those in power cannot be
over-estimated."
" With its eye and ear at every hole
and all its agents busy, it must obviously
know so much more about a depart-
ment than the department itself," I
said.
"Of course," he replied; "and in
addition it frames standards and ideals
of perfection by which it measures all
those in authority; any falling short
must be castigated."
" Immediately," I said.
" And without mercy," he added.
" In war time and under such a strain
as the country is now experiencing you
cannot be too drastic," I said.
" Exactly," be said. " There is more
at stake ; the Press has a sacred duty."
"Is all the Press equally sacred?"
[ asked. " Are the racing forecasts,
for example, as sacred as the leaders ? "
" Nothing is so sacred as the leaders,"
he replied. " Next to them the corre-
spondence columns, where all kinds
of scandals and abuses are ventilated
ind other attacks not necessarily le-s
nerited are made on those in whom
he responsibility for England's success
s vested."
" But what about the news ? "
He fumed terribly. " There is
mrdly any news any more," he said.
1 The Censor in his benighted besotted
oily . . ."
But I did not wait to hear the rest of
he leader.
THE TERRORIST.
SHE was our cook, and a bad cook
too ; but a woman of genius. In the
early days of her reign she must liavo
gathered from tho parlour-maid that
Mother and I were prejudiced against
tepid soup, burnt cutlets, and leathery
>me!ettes. I went into the kitchen,
ntending to remonstrate, and found
)ook gazing fixedly out of the window,
niliing at intervals, and apparently
truggling with unshed tears. " Is
anything the matter, Cook ? " " No,
Miss, nothing that you can help. It 's
only that it 's a year to-day since I lost
my sister Annie, and it all comes back to
mind. The Coroner said it was the
constant complaining and complaining
,hat had weakened her brain, and led
To what? " I asked breath-
essly. " Oh, to her hanging herself
on a very strong hook in the cupboard
m tho family — and
not understanding,
where her
dresses. I
mistress kept
was sorry for
her
the
best
poor
ady too, for they tell me the shock she
>ot when she went to take down an
jvening gown, and found Annie in-
stead, almost turned her brain. Yes,
Miss, just complaints did it, and she
near as good a cook as I' am myself!
But there, I mustn't .be taking up your
time with my trouble, must I ? "
After that, could "I dwell on the
soup, the cutlets, or the omelette ?
Mother was decidedly upset too ; and I
have reason to believe that she spent
that afternoon having the stoutest
of the hooks in her own cupboard
removed.
A short visit to some relations took
me from the scene of action for a day
or two. On my return I was met at
the station by Cook, who had volun-
teered for the job. As we drove
through a gloomy street she kept
craning her neck out of the window,
reading, half aloud, the numbers on
the houses.
" Twenty - two, twenty - three — ah,
there it is, twenty-four. That's the
house where Lizzie died, Miss, my
poor sister." " I thought her name
was Annie." " Oh, that was the
youngest but one, Miss; Lizzie came
next to me, and we were as like as
two peas. Poor soul ! Well, I don't
wonder the house is shut up ; the
neighbours, afterwards, used often to
hear her crying ; not to mention the
charwoman, who was always meeting
heron the stairs, and getting the sort of
turn that makes you feel like brandy."
" Good gracious, Cook ! Do you mean
that she died — suddenly? " " It
must have taken a few minutes, Miss,
owing to the bath not having been
as full of water as she might have
wished." " But how awful that two
of your family should have -
" We 're so sensitive, Miss, all of us ;
wo got it from poor Mother. But at
the inquest the Coroner said some very
sharp things, holding that it was want
of sleep that drove her to it : we can
none of us get a wink of sleep before
midnight— it runs
Lizzie's mistress,
and making her get up before she had
her sleep out in the morning, brought
it all about."
My feelings maybe imagined when
Mother said to me that evening -
"My dear, you must speak to Cook ;
she is upsetting the whole of the house:
nothing will get her up before eight in
the morning, and of course that makes
breakfast late and all the maids cross."
I had to mention the bath, and Mother
turned pale. She had a tub in her
own room for some days afterwards ;
she said she preferred it.
At last we became firm ; Cook must
go.: I went into the kitchen to give
her notice. That woman was a g'enius,
or else had second-sight; before I could
utter a word she insisted on showing
me the photograph of a singularly
plain young -woman. " My oldest
sister,-Miss." ".Oh, that is Lizzie?
" No, Miss, that is poor Emily." "Is
she dead too? "I asked desperately.
" Yes, Miss ; you see her mistress gave
her notice, and it has always been
rule in our family to give it, not to take
it, and it somehow broke her spirit
Whether she mistook the bottles or
not, well, as they said at the inquest
the only tongue, that could have tolc
was still ; but those that uses spirits of
salt for cleaning out gas stoves musl
settle with their consciences here and
hereafter."
I believe Cook would be with us
still had not Providence sent an angel
in the form of the wife of the Vicar of
the parish from which our treasure
came.
" And how do you like Sophia ? "
she asked amiably.
"She has many drawbacks," said
Mother nervously. " Sometimes we
think her a little eccentric ; but possibly,
poor thing, all those awful tragedies in
her family really upset her brain." ." I
don't remember any tragedies," said
the Vicaress thoughtfully; "I don't
think the Vicar would have allowed
them." " I meant the sad deaths of
three of her sisters." " But Sophia
was an only child. We knew her since
she was a tiny tot; she was always
most well behaved, though some people
thought she was not quite so candid
as she should have been, considering
her big blue eyes." " Was she christened
Sophia or Sapphira ? " I asked meekly
" Sophia," said the lady firmly.
"My dear," said Mother, "give
Sophia a month's wages and board
wages in lieu of notice ; tell her to
jack ; tell the housemaid that she is
lot to leave her alone for one second ;
order a cab to bo at the door in half-
an-hour."
. Tho Terrorist loft unwillingly. I am
sure sho still had a brace of sisters up
sleeve.
AN ESSEX TALE.
WHEN on a recent morning Jano,
Maid to' old Lady Deloraine,
At eight o'clock as usual came
To wake that formidable dame,
lane's nerves were visibly unstrung
And checked the glibness of her tongue.
"Why, Jane," her mistress said, "you
look
As if you'd quarrelled with the cook."
No, please your la'ship," stammered
Jane,
" They dropped a bomb here in the lane,
Last night at one it was, I think ;
Since then I never slep' a wink."
"What ! " cried the other from her bed,
Her eyes protruding from her head,
" The German airships came last night,
And 1 not only missed the sight,
But never heard a sound before
Your knuckles rapped upon my door!
If you a grain of sense had got
You would have waked me on the spot.
I 'd like to box your silly ears,"
And then she melted into tears ;
While Jane, retreating, muttered,
I never saw her cry before."
'Lor!
Business before Pleasure.
"Harold Fleming, tho Swindon Town foot-
baller and international forward, has been
granted a commission in the 4th Wilts Regi-
:nent, and will take up his new duties at the
;lose of the football season."
Daily Telegraph.
' After winning the final tie for the Black-
burn Sunday School League Cup, the Great
Harwood Congregational eleven marched to a
recruiting meeting and enlisted in the Royal
Field Artillery." — Daily Chronicle.
"The butler was a German spy . . . Mr
Volpe\ whose unctuous manner as the butter
spy was worthy of a column of journalistic
sensationalism." — Sunday Times.
• Unctuous " seems to be le mot juste.
" Organist (Voluntary) Wanted for Crump
sail Park Wesleyan Church : June. — J 75
Evening News Office. Sat. Afternoons 3 to
5, 6d. Latest Music and Dances."
Manchester Evening News.
The programme sounds attractive, bu
the remuneration is rather exiguous.
" Officer shortly going abroad wishes to dis
pose of his Pram, which cost over £8 not 1'
months ago." — Yorkshire Evening Post.
With enormous self-control we refrain
from saying to what branch of the Ser
vice this very youthful officer belongs.
IM'.Ncil. oi; TIIK LONDON CHARIVARI.
~~ ~
FURTHER ADVENTURES OF THE CULTURED PIG.
338
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 28, 1915.
AT -.-up pi AY | interest of it was never very poignant.
AT He. rLAT. , The real interest was intended to lie in
" QUINNEYS.' " ; the action going on in the character of
A I-KKI.IMISAHY interviewer, whom Quinni'i/ under the pressure of circum-
Mr. VACIIEL i, was too good-natured to stance and experience. We were to
resist, had wrung from him several j gather that he came to readjust his
interesting admissions; as that (Jitin- views of the relative value of things and
WHS his best book; that the play, | persons. But I detected very little
.is plays should he, had been written ' modification in his character up to
before the novel ; that the scene of Mr. ; quite the end, and I never have much
Qitiniir//'* sanctum contained genuine : faith in curtain repentances,
antiques as well as admirable fakes ; j Yet it was a drama all right, and
that his hero preferred things to per- ; Mr. VACHELL had not forgotten his
sons, and that the author found in the Classics. I cannot recall any hero of
excitement of producing dramas an Greek tragedy who was actually a
excellent anodyne for the strain
of wartime. 1 in turn was too
good-natured to be put off by all
this, and remained fixed in my
resolve to see the play for myself.
And I was well rewarded with
something very unusual. To be-
gin with, Quinney was an honest
dealer in antiquities, and this
notwithstanding an apprentice-
ship in worm-hole-drilling. His
morality, in fact, like his fortune,
was self-made, and the natural
pride that he took in these crea-
tions was not lessened by the fact
that he came from Yorkshire.
A righteous man among knaves,
and a true lover of Art for its
own beauty, he was not content
with the virtues which he ob-
viously possessed, but claimed
others, including the quality of
altruism. He could persuade
himself (but not his wife) that the
sweat of his brow had been poured
out primarily for the benefit of
his family. His helpmeet knew
better, and did not hesitate to
tell him that he preferred things
(sticks and stuff) to persons.
The subtlety of this apprecia-
tion, coming from a very homely
intelligence, surprised me, yet
it was not quite so clever as it
Adventure; but, if his performance of
Quinney was rather assimilative than
creative the difference was one of char-
acter, and in both parts Mr. AINLEY did
his work just about as well as it could
be done.
Miss SYDNEY FAIUHROTHKH, as the
protesting phantom of a wife, had little
to say, but her rare and unobtrusive
interventions had a pleasant caustic
quality. As Posy Quinney Miss MABIK
HEMINGWAY was a very dainty figure
[ and acted with great spirit. Mr. GOD-
i PUBY TEARLE, foreman and lover, showed
I his usual easy reserve of strength ; and
the succulent humour of Mr. A.
G. POULTON as $«ZH?ie?/',s brother-
in-law, a gentleman who thought
that one honest member was
enough for any family of dealers,
made me very tolerant of his
detestable morals.
The first night's performance
moved as smoothly as if the play
had been running since the Wai-
began, and I shall ask Mr. LYALL
SWETE, who produced it, to share
the thanks and compliments
which I now distribute broad-
cast upon all those who conspired
to give me so delectable an
evening. O. S.
The Foreman. "THIB CHAIR is FAKED."
T)ie Master. " You 'RE A LIAK."
The Foreman. " IT 's FAKED."
i Master (turning on
' SO IT IS, BY
seemed. The truth of the trouble was
that Quinney did not make any dis-
tinction between things and persons.
His wife and his daughter he regarded
(quite kindly) as chattels that served
his needs or ministered to his sense
of beauty ; in one he found the utility
of a kitchen dresser, in the other the
charm of a Dresden porcelain.
Mr. VACHELL might well have been
contented with his brilliant character-
study, but he too is an honest man, and
meant that we should have our money's
worth. So he threw in a plot which
turned upon the love-affair of Miss
(Jnmney and her father's skilled work-
man, and was complicated by a deal in
which Quinnei/'s honesty was compro-
mised by a fake that had escaped him.
James Mr. GODFREY TEARLE.
Joseph Quinney . . . Mr. HENRY AINLEY.
dealer in antiques, yet there was some-
thing a little Sophoclean about this
picture of an honest man struggling
with adverse conditions which were not
wholly of his own making. On the
other hand I will say nothing of the
Sophoclean quality of the scene where
Quinney looks on at the nocturnal love-
tryst from behind a screen, and his
daughter says, " Fancy if Daddy could
see us now." This very elementary
irony was obviously designed for
beginners.
Mr. HENRY AINLEY had fitted him-
self tight into the skin of Quinney.
This is the second fine character-study
that he has given us since he retired
from the profession of jeune premier.
The same demand was not here made
"'He — "That's ray friend Davis.
He's in Kitchener's Army, you know."
She — "What is he — a lieutenant?"
He — " No, he's a lance-corporal." She
(greatly impressed) — " O-oh, really !
Influenza, I suppose." ' — 'Punch.' "
Glasgow Neirs.
We are much obliged to the kind
effort of our Scottish contem-
porary to appreciate the joke in
a recent issue of Punch, and
regret that in this case the surg-
i°al operation should have been
complicated by medical trouble.
mi * " >ma uw JJtviO JJ-liwUG
ie plot served its purpose, though the upon his imagination as in The Great
" Millions of sandbags aro wanted.
This is an appeal to everyone to help.
Women with sandbags, men with sixpence
each, all will be forwarded to the firing line,
and they are urgently wanted."
District Times.
The women with sandbags will no
doubt be useful at the Front, but we do
not quite understand the demand for
men with sixpence each. They will be
twice as valuable if they " take the
shilling."
" AUSTRIAN EMPEROR RECEIVES
KRUPP'S HEAD."
Edinbiu-gh Evening News.
It is hardly fair of a newspaper to raise
its readers' hopes like this. There was
no charger. All that really happened
was that FRANCIS JOSEPH gave an
audience to Herr Knurr- VON BOHLKN
UND HALHACII.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CIIA1MVAIU.
X
Officer. "Wcix, PADDY, HOW DO YOU LIKE SOLDIERING?"
Irish Recruit. "RIGHTLY, SORR. Aix ME LIFE I WORKED FOB A FARMER, AN' HE NIVER WANST TODLD ME TO BHTAND AT AISE.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)
SINCE Loneliness (HUTCHINSON) is unhappily the last
novel we shall read over the signature of ROBERT HUGH
BENSON I wish I could with truth call it at least one of his
best. But to write this would be a poor tribute to a dis-
tinguished memory; the fact being that, though it lias
qualities of power and observation, it is very far below
some others of its author's works. For one thing, in his
theme (marriage between a Roman Catholic and a Pro-
tcslant) he is more frankly polemical than ever. The factor
of religion is naturally never absent from his stories ; but
they have won their position by their humanity rather than
by any more controversial qualitips ; and in Loneliness the
humanity is lacking. Marion Tenterden, the heroine, is a
young woman who has risen from obscurity to fame and
fortune by the possession of a marvellous voice. She had
been a devout Romanist, but in the tierce light that beats
upon a successful prima-donna her religion lost something
of its hold, especially when she found herself in conflict
\\ilh authority over the question of her intended marriage.
Deliberately and one by one all the joys that make life
worth living from a worldly standpoint are withdrawn
from Miii-ioii. Her voice fails; her betrothed — a little
inhumanly — retires from the engagement; and, worst
of all, her familiar friend, Mnyyie Brent, far the best
character in the hook, is killed in a motor accident.
Throughout I was reminded of a shrewd criticism made l>\
Mr. A. C. BENSON in a recent appreciation of his brother,
where he speaks of those cultured, attractive and apparently
broad-minded Anglicans who in ROBERT HUGH'S pages are
foredoomed to collapse before the snuffy village priest.
You must read this story ; but it will not make you forget
the far better tilings that you already owe to the same pen.
There appears to be no diminution in the cult of the
crook, either in fiction or drama. The latest exponent of
the gentle art of police-baiting is Mr. MAX RITTENBEHG,
who has strung a volume of adventure-stories round the
figure of John Hallard, and published them under the some-
what cryptic title of Gold and Thorns (WARD, LOCK). I
have often admired Mr. RITTENBERG'S method before this ;
he has an easy and faintly cynical humour that makes
agreeable reading. But I can't say that the present
volume shows him to advantage. The fact is that the
exploits of Hallard scarcely give the author scope for his
best. The trail of the popular magazine is over them all a
little too palpably. Hallard and his wife and their con-
federate (who called themselves Sir Italph and Lady
Kenrick and servant) move largely in the cosmopolitan
smart set of swindlers and financiers who haunt inter-
national watering-places — a, milieu especially beloved of the
less expensive monthly journals. Their adventures vary
pleasingly from the swindling of a dusky potentate at
Venice to the discovery of faked treasure-trove at Monte
Carlo. Myself I liked beet the very promising scheme by
which a floating casino was to be established in a liner
unrhored outside the jurisdiction limit of Rapallo. In this,
as in most, there is an agreeable sequence of bluffs and
340
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[Ai'RiL 28, 1915.
scores by one adventurer uftor another, ending with the
victorious emergence of Hallunl. Practically all the tales
have this feature in common, that the persons swindled are
no Ixjtter than the swindlers, so there is no one for whom
you need bo sorry; paste ciit-i paste throughout, and the
moral of the whole appears to be that when rogues fall out
there will generally be a third and greater rogue to come
by the booty. \Vliich may all bo quite good fun, if a little
mechanical. There is one excellent illustration, which the
publishers were so certain I should like that they have
triplicated it (it appears on wrapper, cover and frontispiece),
hut without acknowledgment of the artist's name.
Patricia (PUTNAM) I should call a placid novel rather
than a brilliant. EDITH HENRIETTA FOWLER (Mrs. ROBERT
HAMILTON) has considerable gifts of observation, though in
her character drawing she is perhaps a little prone to over-
emphasis. Also she knows the life of which she treats ;
has seen, for example, what a singularly uncomfortable
abode a country rectory can be, and is not afraid to say
so. Patricia had to go and ~
live in the rectory with a kind
uncle and aunt on the death
of her father. Before that
she had been quite well off
and by way of leading the
fuller life. Her frocks, for
instance, were of the latest.
At the same time her taste
in dress was not what I can
applaud, as when journeying
with her relatives to the
rectory she wore such thin
shoes and stockings that on
the muddy walk from the cab
to the front door she got cold
feet. Of course Patricia makes
a mild sensation in her rural
surroundings, which is in-
creased when the son of the
local big-wig turns out to be
one whose society she had
tolerated in the fuller life.
There are some well-observed
sketches of character, one of them, the Rector's wife,
touched with real beauty. For the rest it is all quite
gentle, and just a little reminiscent of the Parish Magazine;
though the interest certainly quickens with Patricia's
publishing indiscretions, which I shall not reveal. Still
lemonade, one might call it, with just a suspicion here
and there of some strictly non - alcoholic champagne,
the result being a beverage rather for the thirsty drainer
of circulating-libraries than for those who require their
fiction full-bodied.
I should suppose that the Dead Souls of NICKOLAI GOGOL,
written in 1837, offers a not much closer picture of the
Russia of to-day than does DICKENS' Oliver Twist, written
at the same time, of our twentieth-century England. For
though we may have made a quicker pace and have many
more miles of rails and wire to the given area (and is this
being informed of their demise. Mr. STEPHEN GRAHAM'S
introduction -to this re-issue by UNWIN of an English
rendering promises the reader much, and Mr. GRAHAM is
a better judge than I. Perhaps the rather matter-of-fact
translation was responsible for a little of my disappoint-
ment. But no one can fail to appreciate this sort of
thing: — "So that's the procurator!" (says Tchitchikoff
as the funeral procession passes). " Ho has lived and now
he has died ; and now they will print in the newspapers
that ho died regretted by his subordinates and by all man-
kind, a respected citizen, a wonderful father, a model
husband ; and soon they will, no doubt, add that he was
accompanied to his grave by the tears of widows and
orphans ; but in sooth, when one comes to examine the
matter thoroughly, all one will find in confirmation of these
statements is that he had wonderfully thick eyebrows ! "
Una Field, introduced to us at the opening of Mr. WILLIAM
HEWLETT'S book as The Child at tlie, Window (SECKEH) of
a country vicarage, bewails herself bitterly at the close of
the volume on finding that she
is still an onlooker at life, and
no more gifted with under-
standing than she was at the
beginning ; and this after ex-
periences far more varied and
peculiar than are usually
vouchsafed to vicars' daughters,
even though .dowered with ex-
ceptional beauty and rich im-
pulsive godmothers. Really, I
could have warned Una quite
early that, if she wanted to
hear the world's heartbeat,
she wasn't going on the right
tack. She seemed to think
that it ought to beat loud
enough to attract her atten-
tion when she was busy with
other things — chiefly herself.
Never was there a lady who
received so much kindness
and made so little use of it.
I need not follow in detail
her depressing career from the time when, after being most
generously brought up and educated by her godmother,
she ran away (omitting the formality of marriage) with
Cecil Emvan, left him on finding him to be what others
had expected, and accepted the charity of Sybil Grey, a
school friend of whose doubtful character and tastes she
had full cognisance. Later, however, she took a dislike to
her friend's habits, and went away suddenly without a
murmur of thanks. Nor did she feel any obligations
towards the Rev. Philip Corthwaite, an old adorer, whom
she married for the sake of a husband and a home ; but
made an attempt to captivate Sybil's brother, another
cleric. He, sensibly enough, would have none of her, and
hurried off into the bosom of the Roman Catholic Church.
Una's godmother and husband eventually forgave her all
these peccadilloes that I have cursorily indicated, and a
lot more that I have no time to record, and Mrs. Majcndie
The Young Man. "As A MATTEB OP PACT I THINK I 'VE DONE
RATHEB WELL. YOU SEE, I'VE GIVEN FOUR COUSINS AND AN
UNCLE TO THE ARMY, THREE NEPHEWS TO THE NAVY, AND A
SISTER AND TWO AUNTS TO THE BED CROSS ORGANISATION."
not Progress ?) there has happened for Russia between that | persuaded her to start again with Philip. I wish him
time and this the fateful freedom of the serfs or " souls." I luck. And I ought to add that Mr. HEWLETT has a real
This classic novel of GOGOL'S describes the adventures of ! gift of characterisation, though the colours he uses are
a plausible rogue, Tcliitchikoff, who has a get-rich-quick j sometimes too startling to seem quite natural. His de-
scheme, quite in the manner of the best American business scriptive powers, also considerable, are often spent, regret-
farces, for begging or purchasing at a ridiculously low rate, tably enough, on subjects and scenes either sordid or
to sell at a profit, those serfs who, though actually dead, j absolutely distasteful. I should like him to write a book
are still legally alive till the next census, t'ne purchaser not j with some much more wholesome and cheerful people in it.
MAY 5. 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAIM.
341
CHARIVARIA.
ANOTIIKU snub for tho All-Highest.
Tho author of a book bearing tho
snappy title, What I saw in Jierlin and
(Hhrr European Cupitul.i Diiriny War
Timt," mentions that in Bulgaria he
found a man who had not beard of
tho KAISKK'S War.
Much satisfaction has been caused
in Germany by an instance, reported
in the London press, of the spread of
Gorman culture in England. At one
of our Police Courts, last week, a
woman was charged with spitting at
a police-constable. This
method of signifying strong
disapproval is, of course,
practised by the best people
in Germany.
*
It is stated that there are
now over 150 Germans in
Brixton Prison awaiting
deportation as undesirables.
They cannot, however, be
returned to their homes
until Peace is declared.
Meanwhile, their indig-
nation at the " Stop the
War" movement of certain
wrong-headed women can
well be imagined.
* *
By the way, we were
pleased to see that Madame
JULIETTE ADAM, who is
seventy - nine years old,
wrote a most scathing
reply to an invitation to
tako part in the Women's
Peace Conference. It is
just the old ADAM which
these foolish persons leave
out of their calculations.
by General JOFFKE, in an account ofj
the proceeding says, "I cannot dM-
cribe my sensation when I folt the
heavy moustache of the GKNKHAI,
against my cheek." It was only iron
discipline, we suspect, which prevented
his crying, " Stop your tickling,
JOFFHK ! " + j.
"The English soldier," says Ilerr
KALTKNSCIINEK, of tho 6th Westphal-
ians, "notwithstanding that he is pos-
sessed of nothing comparable either to
the discipline or the military knowledge
of tho German, has always shown that
he is a man, and a brave man to boot."
Anything that will raise
a smile in these trying times is to be
welcomed, and we desire to acknowledge
our indebtedness to Die Welt for the
following: — "Clad in virtue and in
peerless nobility of character, unas-
sailable by insidious enemies either
within or without, girded about by
tho benign influences of Kultur, the
German, whether soldier or civilian,
pursues his destined way, fearless and
serene." .,. +
" SWIFT WORK BY CANADIANS
HlNDKNBUBG BELIEVED TO BE IN COMMAND,"
Daily Mail.
This intimation will, we feel sure, be
keenly resented by our gallant Cana-
dian officers. * *
*
A French soldier who, for gallantry
in the field, was decorated and kissed
"On, THAT IS FAB TOO FU1VOLOOS. ABEH'l YOU BBINGING OUT
AST SEBIOUS TOV8 FOB THE DUBATIOH OP THB WAB?"
He is also, of course, a safe man " to
boot," when you have him maimed and
a prisoner. + ^
The man who described our gallant
Tars in the Near East as " The Fruit
Salts" went wrong in his anticipation.
They didn't land at Enos after all.
The Daily Express publishes a photo-
graph of a British soldier showing how
his hair was parted by a German bullet.
The shot, it is thought, must have been
fired by a German barber.
V
The Weekly Dispatch has published
a symposium entitled, "What strikes
me most about the War." An officer
at the Front says that, if he had been
asked to contribute, his answer would
have been " Shrapnel."
Dr. SVEN HKUIN'S book on the War
shows that this gentleman was ready
to swallow any anti-English yarn that
was offered him by the Germans.
Possibly it was loyalty to his own call-
ing that made him so peculiarly partial
to travellers' tales.
: '•
"In Berlin," says Dr. HEDIN, "I
was greatly impressed by the world-
wide influence of German thought."
In Berlin, perhaps ; but the centre of
things is often a bad place for getting
news of the circumference.
*
Statistics published by the Tram-
ways Department of the
L. C. C. show that there are
more fatal accidents on
Sundays than on any other
day of the week. This
looks as if the British Sun-
day is so dull that people
will go to any lengths to get
a little excitement.
*• -
"COPPER CONCEALED
IN LARD."
Evening News.
One can picture the whole
scene. The Force comes
down the steps of a prohi-
bited area and enters the
kitchen. At that moment
the cook hears her mis-
tress's hand on the kitchen
door-handle. As quick as
lightning she throws her
visitor into a tub of lard,
where he lies hidden until
the danger is past.
* *
*
" All the real Quinneys,"
according to a paragraph
in Tlie Evening News, " are
writing to Mr. VACHELL to
ask him how he came to
choose their name for his
new play at the Haymarket. Incident-
ally they ask for seats." Mr. VACHELL
is congratulating himself on not having
called the play " Smiths'."
v
A seal was seen in the Thames near
Eichmond Bridge last week, and several
gentlemen who, on catching sight of it,
took the pledge, were more than an-
noyed on finding that the apparition
had also been seen by teetotalers.
We learn from The North Wales
Weekly News that the Colwyn Bay
May-day Festivities, to tako place
to-day (Wednesday), will include the
"Crowing of the May Queen" : —
"If you're waking call me early, call me
early, Mother dear,
For I'm to be Cock o£ the May, Mother,
I 'm to be Dock of the May."
VOL. OXLVIII.
PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAY 5, 1915.
TO CERTAIN GERMAN PROFESSORS
OF CHEMICS.
•\ym:x you observed how brightly other tutors
Inspired the yearning heart of Youth;
How from their lips, like Pilsen's foaming pewters,
It sucked the fount of German Truth ;
There, in your Kaiserlich laboratory,
•• We too," you said, " will find a task to do,
And so contribute something to the glory
Of God and WILLIAM Two.
" Bring forth the stink-pots. Such a foul aroma
By arts divine shall be evoked
As will to leeward cause a state of coma
And leave the enemy blind and choked ;
By gifts of culture we will work such ravages
With our superbly patriotic smells
As would confound with shame those half-baked
savages,
The poisoners of wells. . ,. .-,;. _: , ,
Good! You have more than matched the rival pastors
That tute a credulous Fatherland;
And we admit that you are proved our masters
When there is dirty work in hand;
But in your lore I notice one hiatus:
Your KAISER'S scutcheon with its hideous blot —
You've no corrosive in your apparatus
Can out that damned spot 1 0. S.
THE GREAT PEACE OF 1920.
BY OUB OWN SENSATION NOVELIST, TEMPORARILY
UNEMPLOYED.
(Author of The Next War; England Attacked ; The Empire's Peril,
and other like works.)
CHAPTER I.
SEATED here in my study, and looking back upon the
tremendous happenings of the past year, I can remember
as though it were yesterday the August evening when there
burst upon an amazed and wholly unprepared world the
news that Peace, so often foretold and as often discredited,
had actually been declared by Germany upon England.
What one finds most incredible, in retrospect, was the
suddenness of the blow. To a people who had been for
years lapped in the fog of war it came like lightning out of
a sandstorm, like truth from a Teuton, like anything that
is wholly bewildering and unexpected. The newspapers
of the day before the great event make strange reading
now. All appears to have been going on absolutely as at
any time during the past six years. The usual Zeppelins
were bombing blackbirds in the suburbs of Sheringham.
In The Daily Telegram Dr. Pillon had his habitual article
upon " The imminence of Balkan intervention." All, in
short, was as long custom had habituated us to it. And
then, quite suddenly, the cataclysm.
I have heard since that they had rumours of it in many
quarters of London quite early on that afternoon ; but the
news did not reach us at Woking (where I was then
living) before nightfall. Even the late editions contained
no more than the intimation of an unusually prolonged
sitting of the Cabinet. Smith, my neighbour, who dropped
in from number five, Warsaw Villas, for his after-dinner
pipe had heard only a vague report of a certain liveliness
in Downing Street. So it was actually not till the following
morning, when I opened my daily paper, that I knew the
truth, saw it staring at me in huge letters right across the
chief page — Peace I
Even then, you know, one hardly realized. Not even
when Smith himself, purple and incoherent, burst in through
the breakfast-room window (which I should perhaps
explain was a French one, and open at the moment).
"You've heard?" Words failed him. As for me I could
only stare, bewildered by something strange and unfamiliar
in the appearance of my old friend. Smith indeed had
lost no time. Gone was the customary suit of sober khaki
that ho had worn so long as a private in the Underwriters'
Battalion ; and instead he now stood revealed in all the
panoply of the full dress of the Brookwood Golf Club, scarlet
coat, heather mixture stockings, and all.
Smith saw my look, and answered it. " Of course," he
cried, " everybody 's going. The road to the links is crowded
already. It 's Peace now, and no mistake ! "
Slowly I began to understand.
One remembers that day as a kind of dream. The stupen-
dous change that had come upon everything and everybody !
In the train one heard it (for after a moment I had
decided that, in spite of Smith, rny own place in the hour
of crisis was London). Men crowded the carriages, or
stood about in groups at the stations, discussing excitedly
the one topic. Most of them still wore their every-day
khaki, but here and there was one, bolder than the rest,
who already displayed, a little awkwardly, some symbol of
the New Era — a bowler-hat perhaps, or even an umbrella,
held with an air of self-consciousness in hands so long
unused to anything more conspicuous than a Lee-Enfield.
England, you perceive, was waking gradually.
And the scraps of talk one heard. Almost as unfamiliar
some of it as Flemish must once have been. " If you
take away State-aid from the Church — " a man would
be saying; and another, "The vital question is simply
this — can CARSON be coerced?" It was really astonishing
how quickly they had recovered the trick of it.
I fancy that full and complete comprehension came to
me from two sources almost at the same moment. I had
bought a score of papers, and torn them eagerly open.
Each was more lurid and sensational than the last. Head-
lines in leaded type swam before my eyes — headlines that
I had never looked to read again in this blandly bellicose
existence to which I had grown so used. " Where are
you going to spend August?" "Is sea-bathing deleteri-
ous ? " " Should children contradict ? " and the like. But
still I read as in a dream.
Then suddenly I saw two things. First, at the foot
of the Haymarket, I observed, making his way through
a crowd murmuring with admiration, a knut, a real knut,
of the knuttiest age, twenty at most, in absolutely full
peace-kit, down to monocle and spats. And almost at the
same moment my motor-bus was held up to permit the
passage of a column of females carrying banners. What
were they? I turned to my neighbour, who, I noticed,
had grown suddenly pale.
" Suffragettes ! " he whispered unsteadily, " walking to
Hyde Park for a demonstration I That means Peace with
a vengeance ! "
It did. At his words the scales fell from my eyes, and
I saw the truth of this amazing occurrence. And with
that vision came also another thought, one that sent the
blood racing to my heart, and froze it there. The girl I
loved, the heroine of this work, Clorinda Fitz - Eustace,
was even now quietly at work as a red-cross nurse in a
field hospital. At this very hour perhaps she might be
quitting its gentle shade to adventure herself, all uncon-
scious of danger, amid the hazards of Peace. I saw then
that it must be mine to warn and save her. But how ?
(To be continued.)
[What makes you think that? — ED.]
PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— MAY 5, 1915.
THE ELIXIR OF HATE.
KAISER. '"FAIR IS FOUL, AND FOUL IS FAIR;
HOVER THROUGH THE FOG AND FILTHY AIR."
MAY 5, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
345
Miss Oiatsuittrth Plantagenet (of the Chorus of " Tlw Motor-Bike Oirl"). " ISN'T THIS WAB TEOIUSLE? D'xon KNOW, I CAN'T GET
ANY DECENT GREASE-PAINT FOR LOVE OB MONEY I "
THE WATCH DOGS.
xvn.
DEAB CHARLES, — All of us have
changed, a little or a lot, under the
stress of actual war, but the most
dismal case of all is that of our young
but highly respected friend, Stevenson.
You remember him, of course ; as
simple-minded and kindly-hearted a
fellow as you could wish to meet,
a lover of small children and dogs,
an ardent member of all the Preven-
tion Societies and a peculiarly zealous
churchwarden. For some time his
cap lias been assuming an aggressive,
almost vindictive, angle, and his eye-
brows grow hourly more ferocious ; but
so much is forgivable in these days.
It is now, however, worse than that.
A week ago he informed us, with what
I am reluctantly forced to describe as
an ugly leer, that he was not accompany-
ing us to the trenches this time, adding
that so far from shirking the unpleasant
duties of the present he was preparing
himself for even more unpleasant pur-
poses in the near future. In short he
had secured the office of Master Bom-
bardier of the regiment, and has since
devoted all his energies to contriving
infernal machines and practising the art
of pitching them accurately in tender
spots. He is now known amongst us
as the Anarchist ; is openly accused
of all the worst anti-tendencies, and
is suspected of having applied to the
War Office for special leave to drop
the official khaki and assume an inde-
pendent red in his neckwear. We tell
him that his old vocation, Municipal
something or other, is gone ; but he
says that another trade, more sinister
and exciting, will be open to him
when Peace arrives for the rest of us.
His advertisement will read : — " All
authority, monarchical, aristocratic or
democratic, and all other tiresome
restrictions on individual liberty re-
moved with secrecy, ability and des-
patch. All ceremonies attended and
dealt with. Coronations extra." Such
a nice quiet fellow he was, too !
It is said that for every man in the
trenches there are four outside. But
I am told that these others have also
their embarrassed moments, and not
least the Company Quarter-Master-
Sergeants, whose duty it is to keep us
armed and equipped, clothed and fed.
As modest fellows who dislike being
conspicuous, they prefer to work in the
dark, and carry up to the trenches our
food, drink and fuel at dead of night
by means of long-suffering fatigue
parties who stumble up from the stores
to the trenches as best they can
through the mud and shell - holes,
hedges, ditches, telephone wires and
stray bullets. It is a matter, as I used
to write in my legal opinions of long
ago, " not wholly free from difficulty,"
and our industrious "Quarters" prefers,
at times, to supervise the loaded pro-
cession personally. The other night,
what with the rain and wind in
addition to the other distractions above
indicated, he found it an especially trying
operation. Time after time the party
broke away into small units, one de-
viating to the right, another to the
left, a third dropping to the rear and
a fourth proceeding to a front but,
unhappily, the wrong front. With much
running hither and thither and much
harsh whispering, our Quarters would
get them together again and bearing
for safety, but the last check of all,
occurring when the party were well
under fire, was almost, he tells me,
fatal. It was in the midst of his
searchings on this occasion that he
was haunted by the distressed whisper
346
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAY 5, 1915.
of the one fatigue man he had man- j felonious intent. Did I not stop at
a»ed to collect and keep— " Quarters ! stealing my own servants socks/ No,
Ctaarl era ! " At such times distress of Charles, I did not. Further and worse,
this sort has to be ignored, but this I woke the wretched fellow up to ask
voice was so persistent as eventually to j him where the devil he d hidden them,
sii rest Quarters' attention. "Quarters! " [ Can you wonder that every time 1 show
whispered the voice. " Yes, lad," an- 1 my head above the parapet a hundred
swered he. " Is that you, Quarters ? " or so lovers of justice do their best
continued the voice, changing from the to make an example of me?
said
distressed to the chatty. "Yes,"
Quarters irritably, since the flare lights
\\ere. becoming unpleasantly frequent
and near, and the identity and where-
abouts of the party must soon become
apparent to the "busy rifles on the
(ierman parapet. "Quarters," whis-
pered the voice, with damnable itera-
tion, "I want a new pair of trousers
and a cap badge." On ir*^ honour,
Charles, this is a true bill.
I was present, unofficially, at a dis-
Yours,
CHARLES.
" SKIRMISHING IN THE DESSERT."
Leicester Daily Mercury.
Presumably this refers to an after-
dinner raid by the infantry.
"Von Adler, who was tried first, pleaded
guilty, and asked if he could afterwards
The president informed him that he could
not." — Aberdeen Evening Express.
When we are on the Bench we never
Yf-ouye^f^-^-
r
WHO CAN IT BE THAT THEY ARE DISCUSSING?
cussion yesterday in the trenches, at allow prisoners to afterwards,
which four of our less
sedate youngsters were
debating snipers in
general, and, in particu-
lar, one of this unpopu-
lar class who is suspected
of carrying on business
in a partly demolished
farmhouse on our half-
left. They were con-
sidering the steps to be
taken less to prevent
than to punish him.
The suggestion of the
youngest of the party
appeared to me the most
subtle ; it was obviously
reminiscent of his mis-
spent boyhood at home.
" I should creep out to
the farmhouse door by night," said
he, impressively, " and listen for my-
self to find out if the sniper was
inside." " And if he was ? " asked the
others. " Then," said the incorrigible,
speaking slowly and with a due sense
of climax, " I should ring the front door
bell and run away." Can you conceive
anything better calculated to annoy
and make justly indignant a wholly
preoccupied and slightly nervous
sniper ?
To show you how richly I deserve
the abuse which our regular authorities
still continue, even at this juncture, to
pour upon my territorial head, let me
tell you of my latest and worst iniquity.
Last night at 11 P.M. I received a
packet of socks, for distribution among
my platoon. At 11.15 P.M. I handed
the last pair of these to my servant,
with a short homily on virtue. At 12
midnight my servant, having given me
my last meal of the night, turned in.
At 1.30 A.M. I trod in a pool, and at
2 A.M. my chilled feet were carrying me | man — a preux chevalier, sans beitrre et
towards my servant's dug-out with \ sans brioche.
" We cannot hope to satisfy everybody, be-
cause it is a problem that has always provoked
intense feeling, because everybody has previous
convictions." — Pall Mall Gazette (Mr. Lloyd
George on tlie Drink Question).
Not everybody. We ourselves — and
there must be others equally stainless —
have never been convicted for inebriety.
How they grow young in Eussia
(Old Style) :—
"The eminent composer Scriabin died in
Moscow this morning from blood-poisoning at
THE PHARISEE AND THE PUBLICAN.
(A Sketch in War-Time.)
ONE day last week a Cheerful Miller
met a Despondent Brewer in the street.
" Well, how 's business ? " asked the
Cheerful Miller tactlessly, rubbing his
hands.
The Despondent Brewer's reply was
clothed in language which seemed to
intimate that business prospects were
not superlatively good.
"For your own sake, personally, I
am grieved to hear it," said the Cheer-
ful Miller. " But of course one cannot
overlook certain aspects of your trade
that render its decline beneficial to the
public at Luge."
The Despondent Brewer, a blunt,
outspoken man, made reply, and made
it good and strong. But the cheerful-
ness of the Cheerful Miller was deep-
rooted in prosperity, and
was not to be disturbed
even by the blasts of the
Brewer's despondency.
" Now my trade, hap-
pily, is free from any
such taint," continued
the Cheerful Miller.
Pointing to the contents
of a baker's shop he said,
"Look there; that mer-
chandise never did harm
to anyone."
The Despondent
Brewer looked, first at
the crisp brown loaves,
and then at a woman who
had entered the shop to
buy. The woman carried
a baby; two other chil-
the age of 35
Born on December 29, 1871
(old style), Scriabin went through a musical
education . . ." — T/te Times.
" There is at present a splendid opening in
the town of Alberton, Prince Edward Island,
for a blacksmith, who must be a good shoer, a
barber and a teacher of music who can tune
pianos and organs."
" Church Life," Toronto.
A chance for our old friend, the Har-
monious Blacksmith.
Q. What would become of Thomas
Atkins if the commissariat broke down ?
A. He woukl still remain a gentle-
dren were with her, holding on to her
torn skirt. The Dsspondent Brewer
saw her place a very large sum of
money on the counter and receive in
exchange a very small loaf.
Hitherto we have refrained from
gving the exact words which the De-
spondent Brewer uttered to the Cheer-
ful Miller. But we will now tell you
exactly what he said.
"Thank God, I'm not a Miller," said
the Despondent Brewer.
British Barbarism.
" The Lewes Guardians have sanctioned an
application by the workhouse barber to take
soldiers of the R.P.A., billeted in Lewes, to
the workhouse to assist him and to gain ex-
perience. It was stated that the officers wished
the men to learn some useful trade in addition
to military duty. The chairman said he hardly
liked the idea of amateurs experimenting on
old men's shins, but other members said the
barber guaranteed the work being done satis-
factorily."— Birmingham Daily 1'ost.
As nothing is said about the opinions
of the hairy-legged paupers on the sub-
ject, we infer that they are unfit for
publication.
MAT 5, 191-j.]
MY CRIMINAL.
I HAVE seen one at last.
After years of intimacy with the Zoo,
during which I liavo sought in vain
for the pickpockets of which so many
notices bid us beware, I have had the
satisfaction of watching one at work
there — as flagrantly as that historic but
un-nained performer who abstracted a
snuffbox from a courtier under the eyes
of CHARLES II., and by his roguish
shamelessness made the Merry Monarch
an accomplice.
The words "Beware of Pickpockets "
had indeed confronted me for so long
and in so many places in these other-
wise so innocent Gardens that I had
come to look upon them as the " Wolf !
Wolf I " of the fable. Even in the lions'
house at feeding time when, tradition
has it, the pupils of Fagin are at their
very best, I have never detected a
practitioner.
But yesterday !
Yesterday was the first day of blazing
sunshine, and having two hours , to
spare in the afternoon I rushed to
Regent's Park, intending to make an
exhaustive tour of the whole Zoo. But
it was so hot and prematurely summery
that instead I did a thing I have never
done before: I sat on a chair in the
path up and down which the elephants
slowly parade, bearing loads of excited
children and self-conscious adults ; and
it was there that I found the pick-
pocket, or, if you like, it was there
that lie found me. For I was one of
his victims.
I had always thought of pickpockets
as little chaps capable of slipping away
even between men's legs in a crowd ;
but this fellow was big. I had thought,
too, of pickpockets as carrying on their
nefarious profession with a certain
secrecy and furtiveness ; but the Zoo
pickpocket, possibly from sheer cynic-
ism, or from sheer advantage of size,
making most of the officials look insig-
nificant and weakly, was at few or no
pains to cover his depredations. Nor
did he, as I supposed was the custom
of his kind, devote himself to watches,
pocket-books and handkerchiefs, but
took whatever he could, and if a bag
chanced to have something in it and he
could not extract the contents quickly
enough he took the bag as well. He
was indeed brazen ; but scatheless too.
My own loss was trifling — merely a
icwspaper, which I would have given
'urn had he asked for it. But before I
inew anything it was snatched from
n y hands by this voracious thief. To
say that I was astonished would bo to
state the case with absurd mildness; I
electrified. But when I looked
•ound for the help which any man,
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
THE TRUE SPIRIT.
tic). " THERE 's A SUBMARINE A
Chief Engineer. "At, AH'LL OKT ANTTHER TWA KNOTS, n? I HA'E TO BURN wncsKYl1
Voice of Captain (through tulc). "THERE 's A SUBMARINE ABOUT, MAC. CAN YOU WHACK
HER UP ANY MORE?"
and not least a F.Z.S., as I am proud
to be able to sign myself, is entitled to
expect, judge of my horror when I
found that not only all the spectators
who had witnessed the outrage, but
also the only keeper within sight, were
laughing.
Such is the levity which the un-
wonted sunshine had brought to the
Gardens !
And I can swear that the pick-
pocket was laughing too, for there was
an odd light in his wicked little yellow
eye as he opened his mouth, lifted his
trunk with my poor Evening Ncivs
firmly _ held in it, and deposited the
paper in that pink cavern his mouth.
! For my first Zoo pickpocket was the
| biggest of the elephants, who is both
; old enough and large enough to know
.' better.
"RECRUITING RESULTS.
MOST SATISFACTORY AND GRATIFYING.
INSECTS AT THE FRONT."
East Amjliati Daily Times.
"More for the colours.— This week, three
Osbournby lads have enlisted in Kitchener's
; Army, viz., Arthur Bullock, fleorgn Bee, and
i Herbert Bugg."— Grantliam Journal.
; The KAISER has threatened to arm every
'cat and dog in his dominions ; hut it
| looks as if our "K." can bout him even
ut that game.
348
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAY 5, 1915.
GETTING A MOVE ON.
WE are the Fourth Loamshiros
(Dear old Loamshire, my own county
— I once passed through it in a train.]
Of course there is no such place as
Loamshiro really, as your little boy
would tell you, but I have to disguise
the regiment. For why ? The answer
is "King's Regulations, para. 453,
Communications to Press — Penalty,
Death or such less punishment as the
Court awards." So you will under-
stand that this is purely fictitious — at
any rate, until after the war. The name,
the events, the documents, the conver-
sations, they are all invented ; nothing
in the least like this ever happened or
ever could happen. My only excuse
for writing is that we subalterns have
a couple of seconds all to ourselves
every morning between the word " Fix"
and the word " Bayonets," and that
one must do something in one's leisure.
" Platoon, at-ten-s/tMH / Fix— I
take my note-book out, and proceed to
put down for you this extremely im-
aginative story. . . .
The rumour started, like all good
rumours, in the Sergeants' Mess. " I
hear we 're going to Blinksea," said
the Sergeant-Major, unbending for a
moment. " Anywhere out of this
blighted place," said the most lately
promoted Corporal, just to show his
independence. Next day it was all
over the battalion.
A fortnight later it was officially
announced in Orders. We were going
to Blinksea on Monday, and the Blink-
shires were coming to our own little
watering-spot (Shellbeach) in exchange.
They sent one Major and a few men as
an advance party to Shellbeach, and
we sent two Majors and a few men
as an advance party to Blinksea ; we
were always a little prodigal with our
Majors.
As soon as they were satisfied that
the advance party had arrived, and
th.at we had all sent our new address
home to our wives and mothers, the
Authorities postponed the move till
Saturday week. We bore it stoically —
particularly our Majors. Our Majors
immediately wrote that it was hardly
worth while coming back such a long
way for such a few days ; that Blinksea
was a delightful spot with a first-
class hotel and an excellent golf-course ;
and that they were longing to get
to work again. So they stayed, and
on the Wednesday the great pack-up
began.
We all had our special jobs. Nobody
was safe anywhere. Orderlies popped
out from behind every bush and handed
you a buff-coloured O.H.M.S. envelope.
No, not an invitation to lunch from the
King, as one would naturally hope ; not
likely ; just a blunt note from the Adju-
tant telling you to load Barge No. 3 at
Port Edward, or carry Barge No. 3
to Port Edward, or something equally
heavy and disagreeable. About a hun-
dred notes went out and not a " please "
amongst them. Just a " You are in-
structed to take the Mess billiard-table
down to the Pier. If you require
assistance — " and so on. All quite
firm.
It was a wonderful time. Even the
Captains put their backs into it for
once. They looked after the regimental
lizard, or watched the Colonel's horse
embarking, or told the subalterns to get
on with it ; no job was too strenuous
for them. And by mid-day Friday
it was done. Everything had gone —
machine guns, horses, stores, ammuni-
tion, the safe (I carried this down my-
self; luckily it wasn't a very hot day),
the officers' heavy luggage — it was all
on the sea. And by the " officers' heavy
luggage" I don't only mean their boots.
The Colonel's man, always the first to
set an example to the battalion, had
left the Colonel with what he stood up
in and (in case he got wet through on
the Friday afternoon) the cord of his
dressing gown ; and the hint was taken
by us others. I assure you we left our-
selves very little to carry with us on the
Saturday; the Adjutant himself only
had a couple of "Memo." forms.
At two o'clock the Authorities rang
up.
" Everything on board ? "
" Everything, Sir," replied the Adju-
iant.
"Quite sure?"
"Everything, Sir, except the cord
of the Colonel's dressing-gown and a
couple of ' Memo.' forms."
" Well, get those on board, too," said
he Authorities sharply.
So they went, too. We were now
ready. We had taken an affectionate
'arewell of Shellbeach. The tradesmen
lad sent in their bills (and in some
cases been paid). The Parson had
preached a wonderful valedictory ser-
mon, telling us what fine fellows we all
were, wishing us luck in our new sur-
roundings, and asking us not to forget
tiim. At six o'clock on Saturday morn-
ing we were to be off.
And then the Authorities rang up
again.
" Everything on board now ? "
" Everything, Sir. It 's nearly at
Blinksea by this time."
" Eight. Then now you 'd better see
bow quickly you can get it all back
again. The move is off."
The Adjutant bore up bravely.
" Is it off altogether," he asked, " or
merely postponed again ? "
" Neither," said the
coldly. "It is deferred."
Authorities
The only excitement left was to see
what sort of recovery from an appar-
ently hopeless position the Parson
would make next Sunday. On the
whole he did well. He preached a
lengthy sermon upon the inscrutable
decrees of Providence. A. A. M. -
THE FIVE STAGES OF TABLE TALK.
WHENE' EK we dined together
Some forty years agone,
The willow and the leather
All other themes outshone ;
We talked of GRACE and YAHDLET,
How runs were made or poached,
But other topics hardly,
Well, hardly ever broached.
Whene 'er we dined together
Some thirty years gone by,
To stubble, moor or heather
Our thoughts were wont to fly ;
We talked of driving, beating,
Of stags and "bags" and "shoots,1
And various ways of treating
And waterproofing boots.
Whene 'er we dined together
Some twenty years ago,
Birds of a kindred feather,
But sober, staid and slow,
We then looked back with pity
On sport and all its snares ;
Our hearts were in the City,
Our talk of stocks and shares.
Whene 'er we dined together
About ten years ago,
It mattered little whether
Consols were high or low ;
We thought no more of stalking
And pastime we eschewed,
But all the time were talking
Of vintages and food.
But now, when of our tether
We're drawing near the end,
Whene 'er we dine together
And, heart to heart, unbend ;
Leaving all other questions
To statesman, don and dean,
We talk of our digestions,
Of pills and paraffin.
New Light on Dr. Johnson.
1 She had been married for two years to Mr.
Thrale, and Johnson had recently lost his wife
when they became acquainted. Dainty, lively,
dimpled, with a round youthful face and big,
intelligent eyes, they used to see each other
continually, and discussed everything on
Seaven and earth." — Ereri/nian.
We always suspected that Mr. PERCY
FITZGERALD was wrong when he sculp-
tured the doctor as a negroid dwarf,
3ut we did not know lie was quite so
wrong as this.
MAY 5, 1915.]
PUNCH, OB THE LONDON CHAIJIVAUl.
349
Vicar's Daughter. "WHEBE DID YOU GET THOSE NICE KHAKI MITTENS, DAISY? DID YOUR MOTHER KNIT THEM FOR YOU?"
Daisy. "No, Miss. DADDY SENT THEM HOME FROM THE FRONT AT CHRISTMAS."
THE SPECIAL DETECTIVE.
I AM a Special Detective. It came
about in this way. When the Special
Constables were being enrolled I offered
my services for duty on Saturday after-
noons from 4.30 to 5, so as to allow
the regular policeman to go off for
afternoon tea. J couldn't volunteer to
serve any longer as I had to have a
singing lesson at 5.15. However, they
refused my offer, and as I still wanted
to help I appointed myself an un-
official Special Detective— the only
one.
I don't suppose you would ever guess
what I was if you saw me in the street,
because I always go about disguised
when on duty. When I am disguised
I can detect things which I should
never dream of detecting in propria
persona. For instance, were I just
wearing my usual clothes and my
ordinary face, I should not attempt tOi
interfere with an armed burglar in the
execution of what, rightly or wrongly,
he conceives to be his duty, I should
go home. If the occasion demanded
it, I should oven go to the length of
remaining at home until I had grown
a moustache, or a beard, or a whisker
or perhaps the complete set, according
to the requirements of the character I
proposed to assume.
I remember once detecting a desper-
ate villain in the act of emptying a
perambulator full of practically new
children into the canal at Basingstoke.
As I happened at the moment to* be
disguised in the totally unsuitable garb
of a member of the Junior Athenaeum
Club I refrained from interfering. I
contented myself with tapping him on
the shoulder (I forget which), explain-
ing my difficulty to him, advising him
that I should return in due course and
severely arrest him, and finally warning
him that anything he might say in the
meantime would be taken down, suit-
ably edited, and used in evidence against
him.
I then returned to town and com-
menced at once to grow a luxuriant
vegetation of whiskers. You see, it
was my intention to disguise myself
as an Anabaptist, and then go back to
Basingstoke and seize my man, if
possible, red-handed ; if not, whatever
colour his hand happened to be. How-
ever, hair-raising is not so easy as it
looks, for although I read all the ghost
stories I could lay my hand on, and
actually spent several hours a day
under the forcing-pot in the company
of the rhubarb, it was a long time
before my whiskers were long enough
to infuriate Mr., FRANK EICHABDSON.
The consequence was that when I
eventually returned to the scene of the
crime I found that the villain had com-
pleted his thankless task and hod in
all probability gone home to a guilty
meal. The indifference displayed by
the criminal classes to their impending
fate is proverbial. Yet how this heart-
less desperado ever summoned up the
effrontery to clear off after I had ex-
pressly informed him that I was coming
back to arrest him passes my compre-
hension. Anyhow, I examined the sur-
face of the canal thoroughly, but as it
was quite smooth, without a hole in it
anywhere, it is just possible that I was
mistaken, and that the miscreant was
only intending to wash his offspring.
Or, again, they may not have been
children at all, but merely turnips or'
cauliflowers. Personally, I am often
unable to distinguish between a very
new child and a turnip. I once men-
tioned this failing to a friend. He was-
a family man, and simply said, " Ah,
wait till you have a baby of your own,"
PUNCH, Oil THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAY 5, 1915.
"YOU 'IX HAVE TO PRACTISE A GOOD DEAL, SlK. TlIEIlE 'S ONLY TWO ON TOUR TARGET, AND ONE OF THEM IS A RICOCHET AND TOTJ
BEEM TO HAVE PUT ONE ON THE TARGET OF THE GENTLKMAN ON THE BIGHT, AND TWO ON THE TARGET OF THE GENTLEMAN ON THE LEFT.'
"WELL, YOU KNOW. I DON1! CALL THAT AT ALL A BAD MIXED BAG FOR A FIRST ATTEMPT."
which was a singularly fatuous remark
to make, because, as it happens, I hare
a haby of my own, though only a very ;
small one. What I don't possess is a
turnip of my own.
Then, too, there is the important
matter of clues. - How often one reads |
in the newspapers that detectives are!
handicapped for want of clues! From
the very outset of my career I deter-
mined that I would never be hamli- j
capped in this manner, and therefore I '
have my own set of clues which I always !
carry about with me. I have got a very \
good footprint from which I expect great |
results, a blood-stain, several different I
kinds of tobacco - ash and a button. '
Buttons, I have observed, nearly always !
turn out to be clues, from which I
gather that the majority of criminals
are bachelors.
The science of deductive reasoning
naturally plays an important part in
my work and often — just to see the
look of amazement on their faces — I
amuse myself with a little practical
demonstration at the expense of my
friends. I well remember how I sur-
prised Uncle Jasper by asking after
his cold before he had even mentioned
a word about it to me. All he had
said was, " Well, by boy, what a log
tibe it is sidce I 've seed you."
And I have had some exciting experi-
ences. Once I stopped a runaway bath-
chair at the risk of the occupant's life.
I gave myself a medal for that. On
another occasion I stopped a cheque just
in the nick of time. For this I presented
myself with an illuminated address,
and only by the exercise of great self-
control refrained from awarding myself
the freedom of my native town. On yet
a third occasion I successfully traced a
German spy to his lair. I heard him
talking German as he passed me (I was
disguised at the time I remember as a
Writer to the Signet), and never shall
I forget the look of utter despair he
gave when I forced him to disclose
his real name, which was Gwddylch
Apgwchllydd. Next time I bring off a
coup — as wo call it — I have marked
myself down for promotion.
" Mass onslaughts for the recapture of this
important position were made by the Germans,
but our motor machine guns raked the compact
ranks with shrapnel." — Daily News.
The Press Censor has no objection
whatever to the publication of this
statement so long as ho is not held
responsible for it.
" It is said that cold water has been thrown
on milk records in some neighbourhoods whcra
it is the custom to talk lightly of the thousand
gallon cow." — Morning Post.
Dark hints as to this use of " allaying
Thames" have been heard more than
"A Tennyson letter was sold for £2 lEs. ; .
a Thnickerary letter, in which he describes !
himself as a ' tall, white-haired man in spec-
tacles,' for 9J guineas."
Manchester Guardian.
It's a long, long price for Thrackerary.
once. .
"If they thought, however, that the spirit
of our men had been broken by hiph (sic) ex-
plosives they wore soon to discover their mis-
take. Again did our machine-puns do tremend-
ous execution , and the attack was beaten off ..."
Devon and Exeter Gazette.
The devastating effect of this form of
humour is well-known.
"Amsterdam, Monday.
A Zeppelin this morning passed over Scliier-
: monnkoog, proceeding in a wasterday direc-
tion."— Cork Ei-ening F.clio.
I Just to kill time, we suppose.
" I see that Willis's Club is shut up, and
the news is a little surprising, considering that
I was only lunching there the other day."
"Mr. May fair," in "The Sunday Pictorial."
The tclat conferred on the club by this
visit should have enabled it to keep
running for some time longer. Perhaps
if he had been dining and not " only
lunching " things would hava been
different.
JPUNOir, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— MAY 5, 1915.
CANADA!
YPRES: APRIL 22-^21, 1915.
MAY 5, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
353
SIMULTANEOUSLY WITH THE PBIVATE VIEW OP THE ROYAL ACADEMY, THE ROYAL SOCIETY OP TATTOOISTS OPEN THEIB ANNUAL
EXHIBITION.
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
(EXTRACTED FBOM THE DIABY OP TOBY, M.P.)
House of Commons, Tuesday, 27<7»
April. — Both Houses engaged in con-
sideration of treatment of British
prisoners in Germany. In time past
have had sharp differences. To-day
united in detestation of barbarities prac-
tised upon helpless captives. Idea of
retaliation unanimously discarded. As
Lord NEWTON put it, if there is to
be competition in brutality there is
no doubt that we should be outdis-
tanced. Possible, indeed probable, that
one result of the War will be capture
of German trade, but, when it comes
to brutalities "made in Germany,"
competition hopeless.
Idea of paying off on bodies of
German prisoners in this country the
cowardly cruelty dealt out to our gallant
ofliccrs and men who have fallen into
human hands less merciful than Death
is unthinkable. Great Britain is not
going to soil her hands because Ger-
many has irretrievably fouled hers.
Still, something must ho done in the
way of meting out duo punishment to
responsible authorities who have en-
couraged or permitted their subordin-
ates to torture, starve and grossly
insult those whom the fortunes of war
have left defenceless in their custody.
KITCHENER, not given to strong lan-
guage, put his indictment in a few
terse sentences, not based upon rumour
but substantiated by unquestioned
personal testimony.
" Our prisoners," he said, " have
been stripped and maltreated in various
ways. In some cases evidence goes
to prove that they have been shot in
cold blood. Our officers, even when
wounded, have been wantonly insulted
and frequently struck."
No passion displayed during debate
in either House. There is a profundity
of human anger too deep for words.
But something ominous in the sharp
stern cheer which greeted thePfiEMiEB's
emphatic declaration.
" When we come to an end of this
war — which please God we may — we
shall not forget, and we ought not to
forget, this horrible record of calculated
cruelty and crime. We shall hold it to
be our duty to exact reparation against
those who are proved to have been
the guilty agents and actors."
Business done. — German brutality
to British prisoners taken note of.
Wednesday. — Abroad and at home
generally accepted that in EDWAHD
GREY British Foreign Office has efficient
and trustworthy representative. Never-
theless it is, as the proverb shrewdly
says, well to have two strings to your
bow. House observed with satisfaction
that a second is provided in person of
Member for East Denbighshire. Mr.
JOHN — that way of putting it suggests
allusion in servants' hall to a son of
the house — keeps a comprehensive eye
on progress of the War. Ahead of
most folk, lie for the moment concen-
trates his gaze upon the dawn of
peace. To-day invited SECRETARY OP
STATE FOB FOBEION AFFAIRS to say
whether, seeing the Government lias
undertaken that the Overseas Domin-
ions shall be effectively consulted when
terms of peace come to be formulated,
the fullest facilities will also be accorded
to the people of Great Britain and Ire-
land to make known their views and
desires.
SECRETARY of STATE, judiciously ab-
sent, left that promising lion-cub of
the Foreign Oflice, NEIL PBIMKOSE, to
reply. Answer brief and non-committal.
So far, so good. Our Mr. JOHN next
ascended loftier heights. Surveying
relations of Austria - Hungary and
Russia, propounded detailed terms of
separate peace. Provided that Bosnia
and Herzegovina are transferred to
Servia, Austria undertaking to with-
draw personally from association and
military co-operation with Germany,
Russia making such terms as may be
considered advisable with regard to
351
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
•[MAT 5, 1915.
(laliciii, Bokowina and Transylvania,
would (ireat Britain ami 1'Yanee he
piepared to sanction such separate
settlement?
You n« PRIMROSE shook his head.
Couldn't personally assume responsi-
bility of speaking for Allies on such
grave tnatter. Doubtless they would
find opportunity of considering the
proposal when set forth in Parliamen-
tary Report.
Our Mr. JOHN quite content.
Felt
that so happy a scheme of settlement
needed only to be known to
gain acceptance. No desire
to push himself forward. Bui
if England and her Allies
thought his counsel and as-
sistance of any value they
were unreservedly at their
disposal. .
LLOYD GEORGE looked on
admiringly. Gallant little
Wales, long condemned by
obtrusive neighbour to a
position of comparative in-
significance, coming to the
front at last.
Business done. — On Post
Office vote HOBHOUSB gave
interesting account of work
of his Department. The War
has largely increased its
labours. Every day train-
[qads of from eighty to ninety
tons of letters and parcels
are sent to France. To
Egypt and Dardanelles go
weekly a quarter of a million
etters and five thousand par-
;els. To the Fleet four and
, half million letters and
city-five thousand parcels.
This," as HOBHOUSE
nodestly remarked, "requires
a very efficient organisation."
Thursday. — EON ALD
'NEILL'S most famous par-
iamentary achievement sug-
gests possibility of excop-
has discovered a pretty plan for cir-
cumventing this arrangement. Cargoes
are consigned in proper form to a
neutral Baltic fort. On arrival they
are re-consigned to another port in the
same or a neighbouring neutral state.
That all in order. But arrangements
have been made with the consignee by
wily German agents to waylay the ship
en voyage, capture it and carry it off.
PRIMROSE admits there is something in
this romance of the sea. The Swedish
Government have issued regulations
upon distilling and brewing industries
in Cork would be as horrible as if the
City were bombarded and sacked by the
Germans.
Division challenged, tho first sines
outbreak of war. WILLIAM O'BniEN
and his once more TRUCULENT TIM led
into Lobby thin party of three. Eighty-
nine members, including some of the
regular Opposition, voted with the
Government. Big majority. But there
is trouble ahead in the way of carrying
through a drastic scheme.
Schoolmistres*. " WELL, FREDDIE, DKAB, WHAT DID YOU LEARN
YESTERDAY?"
New Boy (after deep thought).
TEACHKD ME."
' YOU OUGHT TO KNOW — YOU
ional performance as a bomb-thrower
n the trenches in Flanders. Stops at
lome and does almost equally good
vork in keeping his eye on things
generally. Emulous of Our Mr. John's
collaboration with the Foreign Office,
he brings under notice of still absent
SECRETARY OP STATE particulars that
have reached him of a new German
device, less barbarous than poisoning
the atmosphere with asphyxiating gas
as a preliminary to the safe bayoneting
of the enemy when found in a state of
stupor, but just as carefully thought out.
Export of foodstuffs and other
cargoes useful in war permitted to
Scandinavian countries on the under-
intended to prevent addition of new
chapters. If this proves ineffective
things may happen.
Business done. — CHANCELLOR OF
THE EXCHEQUER submitted Resolution
affecting sale of alcoholic drinks. Spoke
for two hours to House crowded for
these times when many gallant mem-
bers are at the Front. In respect of
taxation proposal exceeded conjecture.
Duty on spirits to be doubled ; on wines
quadrupled,
creased, even
favour with workers "on the Clyde and
elsewhere, who are turning out muni-
tions of war. Irish Members up in arms
against what TIM HEALY described as
Beer tax sensibly m-
for lighter ales, not in
f V Al- i I • <-1 J.-LlLirVAJ J. VIUO^I IUCU. UO
tancling that their Governments pro- ; "assassin taxation." WILLIAM O'BRIEN
it re-export to Germany. M'NEILL | breaking long silence declared that effect
THE GREAT UNHUNG.
THE following works,
though many of their titles
are reminiscent of popular
pictures, will not be found
adorning the walls of Bur-
lington House.
Potsdam: looking East AND
West.
By W. HOHENZOLLERN.
When did you last see your
Father? By General VON
KLUCK. Dedicated by the
artist to H.I.H. the CROWN
PRINCE.
A Study in Still Life. By
the Captain of the Goeben.
Belts. A fancy portrait of
Samuel Browne, Esq. By
a Subaltern.
Poi'trait of David Jones, Esq.
By VON TIHPITZ. An ex-
ample of this painter's
water-colour work. The use
of ultra -submarine is par-
ticularly noticeable.
Mirage a la Mode. By ENVKH
BEY. (German School.)
The Hay Wane. By a Ger-
man Eemount Officer.
Britannia Ruling the Waves.
A North Seascape. By .1.
JELLICOE. (Sea Chantey
Bequest.)
Non - Fighting " Prince Eitrl "
By a U.S.A.
The
Tugged to her last berth.
Customs Officer.
"A public meeting was held on February 9th
at the Popular Town Hall to urge the Govern-
ment to take over the control of fool supplies. ' '
Times of Ceylon.
Up to the present we have not heard of
any steps being taken in this direction ;
but Parliament is still sitting.
"Eevs. Kerrand C. T. Bennett, B.A., will
exchange pulpits next Sabbath morning.
Kvening services will be hell in their re>;>
churches as usual.
For choice we
Welland Telegraph, Out.
should have attended
the morning service, in the hope that
it might be more like " a little heaven
below."
MAY 5, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
355
Registrar of Women Workers. " WHAT CAN I DO FOB YOU ? "
Applicant. " Yon PBOBABLY WANT A FOREWOMAN : SOMEBODY WHO is USED TO GIVING OBDEBS AND WOBDS OP COMMASD.
BBOUGHT MY HUSBAND TO SPEAK FOB ME."
I'TB
FOE DAETYMOOE.
Now I bo man ov Dartymoor,
Grim Dartymoor, grey Dartymoor ;
I come vrom wur there hain't no war,
An' Tavy be a-voaming ;
I'd pigs an' sheep an' lass — Aw my!
The beyootifullest wench 'er be !
An' one vine day 'er comes to I,
An' zays — " My Jan," 'er zays, —
" lukee !
To France yu must be roaming !
Vur Devon needs her sons again ;
Her du be rousing moor an' fen ;
An' yu must fight wi' Devon men
Vur Dartymoor, your Dartymoor !"
I zays, zays I, " Leave Dartymoor ?
Grim Dartymoor, grey Dartymoor?
Why, lass," I zays, " whativer vor,
While Tavy be a-voaming ?
While pigs be pigs, an' 'earts be true;
An' market prices purty vair ;
Why should 'un go an' parley-voo ? "
'Er zays, " 'Cuz yu be waanted
there !
Thet 's why yu must be roaming !
Vur Devon needs her sons again ;
Her du be rousing moor an' fen ;
An' yu must fight wi' Devon men
Vur Dartymoor ; my Dartymoor !
" Ef yu woan't fight vur Dartymoor,
Grim Dartymoor, grey Dartymoor,
Things shall be as they wur avore
Us courted in the gloaming ! "
'Er zays, an' left me arl alone,
A-thinking over what 'er zaid,
Till arl was plain as Dewar Stone —
I zays to Dad, " Mind pigs is fed,
While I be gone a-roaming !
Vur Devon needs her sons again ;
Her du be rousing moor an' fen ;
An' I must fight wi' Devon men
Vur Dartymoor, our Dartymoor I "
A Patriotic Criminal.
From a list of recruits in a Welsh
parish magazine : —
" George , Burglar, ' Pals ' Begt."
More German Piracy.
" Para el Domingo en la tarde se anuncia la
festiva comedia alcmana ' Charley S'Tuutt '
(sic)."— El Diario Ilustrado (Chile).
We are accustomed to the Germans
claiming SHAKSPEARE'S plays as part
of their national drama, but when they
try to annex the late Mr. BRANDON
THOMAS'S masterpiece it is time to
register a protest.
A EIGHTEOUS PEOTEST.
THE Imperial Person beckoned to
the General to approach.
"Have you blown up the Cathe-
dral?"
" Yes, Sire."
" And bayoneted the wounded ? "
" Yes, Sire."
" And shot all the women and old
men and children ? "
" Yes, Sire."
" And made arrangements for to-
morrow for the white flag ambush ? "
" Yes, Sire."
" And for the issue of dum - dum
bullets?"
"Yes, Sire."
" And of asphyxiating gases ? "
" Yes, Sire."
"Then you had better get on with
the report to the Neutral Powers pro-
testing against breaches of the Hague
Convention by the Enemy."
A Mare's Nest?
" BIBTHS.
Clark.— On April 19th, at Little Gaddesdon
Rectory, Berkhamsted, the wife of the Rev.
Edward's .Horse, aged 23." — Herts Advertiser.
356
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAY 5, 1915.
COMMITTEES.
" THIS world," sighed Francesca, " might bo a happy
place if it were not for its committees."
"That," I said, " has all the appearance of an apophthegm,
Francesca, do you know what an apophthegm is?"
" Of course I do," said Francesca. " What I said was an
apophthegm. I didn't know it when I said it, but I know
it now, for one who is wise above ordinary mortals has told
me so. I can do lots more at the same price and all equally
good. 'God helps them that help themselves.' 'Virtue is
its own reward." 'Misfortunes never come singly." 'Still
waters run deep.' I could go on for ever."
" Yes," I said, " I 'm sure you could, but they "re not
all apophthegms. Some of them are proverbs, and —
"Surely at this time of day you're not going to tell me
what a proverb is. It's the wisdom of many and the wit
of one — there, I got it out first."
" I was not," I said, " competing with you ; but I insist
on telling you that an apophthegm is a pithy saying and
that you don' t know how to spell it."
"P-i-t-h-y," said Francesca. " Next, please."
" I did not refer to the paltry word ' pithy.' I referred —
" Well, anyhow, I warn you that I once got a prize for
spelling at school. It was called a literary outfit — a pen-
holder, two gilt nibs, two lead pencils and an ink-eraser,
all in a pretty cardboard case with a picture of St. Michael's
Mount on the lid. Cost, probably, sixpence, but I never in-
quired, because you mustn't look a gift box in the price, must
you? There's another apo- what -you -may -call -it. I'm
simply pouring them out to-day. Oh, yes, I know that
' embarrass ' has got two r's, and ' harass,' poor thing, has
got only one, and I know any amount of other perfectly
wonderful tricks. I'll outspell you any day of the week,
and you can have the children to help you."
" Francesca," I said, " your breathless; babble shall not
avail you. I 've got you, and I mean to pin you down.
How do you "
" Stop 1 stop ! " she cried. " You can't mean that you 're
going — no, a man can't be as wicked as that."
" Wicked or not," I said, " I 'm going to ask you to spell
apophthegm."
" Yes, but don't actually do it. Keep on going to do it
as much as you like. Let it be always in the future and
never in the present,"
" Francesca," I said, " how do you spell apophthegm ? "
I never do," she said ; " I should scorn the action."
'Don't, niggle," I said-. -" How does one spell the word ?"
" One doesn't," she said. " It takes six people at least
to do it ; but I '11 ring for the maids, if you like, and call
the children in, and then we '11 all have a go at it together."
Thank you, I can do it alone." Thereupon I did it.
" Yes," she said, " that 's it. You can go up one. It 's
a funny word, isn't it ? There 's a sort of Cholrriondeley-
Marjoribanks feeling about it. And to think that I
should be able to make a thing like that without any
conscious effort. .It 's really rather clever .of me. Yon
can spell it, but I can spell it and make it too. Good old
apoffthegum."
" And now," I said, " you can tell me about these com-
mittees that are depressing you so much."
' Oh, but I 'm not depressed now. I 'm quite gay and
light-hearted since I found how beautifully you could
spell "
' We will not mention that word again, please."
"All right, we won't; but remember, I didn't begin it.
You tried to crush me with it, you know, and I wasn't
taking any crushing, was I?"
" Frtincesca," I said, " your language is deteriorating."
" How well you pronounce," she said. " Most people
call that deteriating."
" Never mind what they call it. Tell me about your
committees."
" It 's only that there are such a frightful lot. There
were plenty before, and the war has brought hundreds more
into existence."
" Well, what of that ? The men who are too old or too in-
firm to go to the front must do something to help, and "
" There you go again," said Francesca scornfully. "Men !
Men belong to these War Committees. Their names are on
the lists, but it 's the women who do all tho work."
" And get all the praise," I said enthusiastically. " There 's
scarcely a Committee Meeting at which votes of thanks to
the Ladies' Sub-Committees aren't passed. Still, there are
a lot of Committees. They do seem to grow on you, don't
they?"
" Yes," she said. " It 's like keeping dogs. You begin
with a small Committee, a sort of Pekinese, and you get
a reputation for being fond of Committees, and in a few
months you find you 've got a Committee on every sofa and
armchair in the house — St. Bernards, retrievers, spaniels,
and all sending out notices and requiring you to attend."
" Your metaphor," I said, " is getting a little out of hand,
but I know what you mean."
" Thank you, oh, thank you. And then there 's old
Mrs. Wilson who has eight children and a husband who
ought to have followed the King's example, only ten times
more so, and hasn't done anything of the sort. She requires
about a whole Committee all to herself, and she isn't the
only one."
" The fact is," I said, " that if Committees didn't exist
you 'd have to invent them."
" But they do exist," she said, " and we keep on inventing
them. We're going to invent a new one to-night — the
chocolate and tobacco Committee for the county regiment.
We have to co-ordinate things."
" All Committees have to do that," I said. " Co-ordi-
nation is the badge of all their tribe."
" Is that an apophthegm ? " she said.
" No," I said, " it 's almost a quotation." E. C. L.
THE WISE THRUSH.
A PESSIMIST mused in his garden (a thrush carolled high
overhead) : —
1 We can't drive these Huns from their trenches ; I don't
see much progress " he said ;
" If we stick in a groove we shan't get them to move,
I want to advance with a rush."
" Wait a bit I Wait a bit ! Wait a bit ! Wait a bit ! Wait
a bit ! Wait a bit ! " sang the thrush.
There "s that KAISER," the pessimist brooded, his forehead
all knotted and rough,
A powerful tyrant to tackle, relentless and terribly tough,
As I mark his career, I 'in beginning to fear
He 's a — " pause, and then out of the hush,
Silly fool ! Silly fool I Silly fool ! Silly fool ! Silly fool I
Silly fool 1 " sang the thrush.
Nine weary, long months we Ve been at it," the pessimist
said with a groan,
And think of the millions and millions it's cost us in
Flanders alone ;
When the end comes — ah me — where, ivhere shall
we be?"
From above came a voluble gush : —
" In Berlin ! In Berlin t In Berlin 1 In Berlin ! In Berlin
on the Spree I " sang the thrush.
MAY 5, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
357
HOW TO MAKE GOLF POSSIBLE IN WAR-TIME.
A FEW SUGGESTIONS FOR EASING THE PLAYER'S CONSCIENCE.
THE HOGGED MOUSTACHE.
SALUTING A PLUS-MAST.
A FOUBSOME " FALLING-IN."
c-
NO MORE OP THESE GRACEFUL FINISHES.
HAVING STRUCK THE BALL, THE PLAYER
RETURNS SMARTLY TO THE "ORDER."
THE MID-DAT HALT.
SENDING THE "\VILL-YOU-COME-THROUGH"
SIGNAL.
AT EASE.'
358
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAY 5. 1915.
AT
THE PLAY.
" Hl.TTY." .
THE story of Cinderella being the
best story in the world, and each new
Cinderella giving it freshness, any play
h.iseil upon it is fairly certain of success.
So Betty, by Miss GLADYS UNDER, and
Mr. FREDERICK LONSDALE, should be
in for a long run at Daly's, for no
only is the Cinderella theme deftl;
handled, but in Miss WINIFRED BAKNK
a very sympathetic actress has been
found for what is probably the mos
sympathetic part that the wit of story
teller or dramatist will ever devise.
Two surprises are in store for the
Itabititd of this comfortable theatre: one
agreeable and the other disappointing
The agreeable surprise is that for the
first time a musical comedy has some
real acting in it, as distinguished from
the facile singing and dancing anci
talking of the • pleasant ladies anci
gentlemen upon whose shoulders the
slender burden of dramatic verisimili
tude in such pieces usually rests ; and
the other surprise is that, for once,
Daly's has little but thin and very
ordinary music. The acting is con-
tributed principally b
CALTHROP and Mr.
6.
Mr.
M.
DONALD
LOWNE,
both new-comers to musical comedy.
Their gifts are welcome because the
Audience has to be persuaded of the
reality of the young scapegrace peer and
his father the duke's indignant aristo-
cratic tyranny. Without this reality
we should not be sufficiently touched
by the position of Betty, the kitchen-
maid so capriciously selected by the
young lord as his wife; and to be
touched by her is of the essence of
the play. Miss WINIFRED BARNES
herself sees to that too, although, it
is Mr. CALTHROP on whom the chief
responsibility, lies, and he .succeeds, ad-
mirably ; but Miss BARNES is charming
'n her simple sincerity, and her singing
iompletes her conquest.
The humorous honours go to Mr.
Or. P. HUNTLEY, who.has never been
unnier or kindlier. Nor has he ever
3een more idiosyncratic. I came away
with the feeling that he ought perma-
nently to adopt this r61e of the short-
sighted, warm-hearted, affable, idiotic
fet fitfully shrewd Lord Playne ; that
some arrangement should be come"to
>y which in this character he should
>e made free of the stage of all other
'heatres, to wander irresponsibly
hrough whatever other plays most
needed him. I would not even confine
urn to one theatre ; he should do two or
even three houses a night, if necessary.
•A-ery play thus adorned, I care not by
vhom written, would be the better for
t. And yet, in Betty, Lord Playne has
a real place ; he is important if no
necessary to the story, whereas poo
Mr. W. H. BERRY, who has so oftei
destroyed my gravity at this house, i
not. The trouble about Mr. BERRY'
part is that it is obviously ai
afterthought, added as an embarrass
mont of riches. Neither be nor hi
sprightly feminine foil, Miss BEATRICE
SEALIIY, is in the picture, nor has Mr
BEKHY, who is one of the best of ou
comedians, anything yet to do that is
worthy of his gifts. Time, however, i
always on the side of such performers
more jokes will be dropped in anc
funnier songs substituted. I feel per
fectly confident that in a month's time
Mr. BERRY'S part will be adequate once
more.
The last scene, of which (no doubl
to the intense astonishment of the
audience) a staircase is a prominent
feature, is gay and distinguished beyonc
anything now on the stage ; and ]
congratulate Mr. EOYCE on his triumph.
But I retain as the most charming
pictorial moment of the evening Betty's
appearance in her going-away dress in
Act II. That dress is the prettiest
thing in London.
V.
At the Palace Theatre, on Tuesday
next, May llth, at 2.30, Messrs.
VEDHENNE and EADIE are to give a
matinee of the popular play, The Man
who stayed at Home. The performance
is in aid of The Officers' Family Fund,
of which the QUEEN is Patroness and
Lady LANSDOWNE President. The KING
and QUEEN have graciously promised
io attend.
" Kearney— April 24, 1915, at 8 Grantham
Street and 59 Upper Stephen Street, Dublin,
the wife of J. C. Kearney, of a daughter (both
doing well)." — Ihiblin Evening Mail.
Miss Kearney appears to have solved
-the problem wliiclvpuzzled her fellow-
countryman, Sir BOYLE EOCHE.
'Mr. Fred T. Jane's lecture in the Free
Trade Hall last night was in reality a discursive
rat very interesting talk about the navy lasting
'or two hours. — Manchester Guardian.
From a perusal of Mr. JANE'S remarks
we are relieved to learn that in his
ipinion the Navy will last considerably
onger than this. '
Looking for Trouble.
" THEFT of CASH and BANK NOTES
LIABILITY to THIRD PARTIES
Damage to contents by BL'RSTJNG of PIPES
is surely .worth having when obtainable
at ABOUT THE USUAL COST\
May we arrange one for you ? "
Advt. in " The Friend."
?here may be a demand for these mis-
ortunes, but personally we have no use
or them.
THE INSULT.
" IT '9 my belief you don't know
nothing about anything," declared the
public-house orator, exasperated to an
unusual degree by the continued silence
of the big, stolid-looking man sitting
opposite him.
The silent man raised his eyebrows
and waved his pipe in the air, to inti-
mate that he took no interest whatevei
in the orator's beliefs or disbeliefs.
" Garn, you don't know there 'a
War on," said the argumentative one,
tauntingly. " Leastways, you don't
know which side the Eooshians is
on." This thrust also failing in its pur-
pose, the speaker was emboldened to
proceed.
" It 's my belief you don't care who
wins the War, so long as you ain't
hurt." The man remained unmoved.
" You 're a pro-German, that 's what
you are", and I always had "my sus-
picions."
The silent man stared up at the
ceiling and slowly put his hands
bis pockets.
" You agree with them blokes what
says we ought not to hurt Germany
more than we can help."
The listener beat a tattoo on the
loor with his heels and thrust his
lands yet deeper into his pockets.
The argumentative man was nearly
it the end of his tether. "Nothing
can't move you," he said angrily.
" You can't," declared- the other
without removing his pipe from his
rnouth. " It ain't worth my while to
argufy with you. Waste o' breath."
" Oh, waste of breath, is it ? You 're
a Hun, that 's what you are, and your
missus is a Frow, and your kids is little
Willies."
The silent man appeared to be
aintly amused. "-Go on, Eoosyvelt,"
le said.
," I 've finished," answered the orator,
ising to go. " It ain't no 'use talking
o an Independent Labourer."
" A what ? " said the big man, un-
crossing his legs and taking his hands
>ut of his pockets.
. " An Independent Labourer," was the
riumphant answer. "That's what
fbu are. One of Keir ..." The
entence remained unfinished. The
ilent man's fist shot out, and the
>rator .found himself on the floor
taring at an angry face bending over
iirn.
" Say that again," challenged the
ig man.
" No," replied the fallen hero. " I '11
hake hands instead." He rose cau-
iously, rubbing his head. Then
miled ruefully and said, " Anyway,
did wake you up in the end."
MAY 5, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
309
'
I'at (from within shouting distance of German trenches). " How MANY OP I'D '8 THERE? "
Voice from German trenches. "TousANDS 1 "
Pat (discharging jampot bomb). "WELL, DIVIDE THAT AMONGST YE!"
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)
THE industry of Mr. G. B. BUHGIN seems only equalled
by the fertility of his invention. This reflection was evoked
by my discovery, opposite the title-page of The Herb of
Healing (HUTCHINSON), of a list of forty-eight other books
by- the same author. It makes rne blink. Of course, when
any human writer has so many pages to cover he must of
necessity spread his plots a little sparingly. The plot of
Herb of Healing, for example, is rather thin stuff, the quest
of a lover called Old Man (lie was but twenty-four really,
so the name is misleading) for an Indian herb which should
restore the consumptive schoolmistress whom he loved.
You guess that Mr. BUHGIN is here back again in the
Ottawa setting, where you have perhaps enjoyed meeting
him before. There are other interests, notably Miss Wilks.
In many ways indeed Miss Wilks deserves to be called the
chief personage of the story. She was a mule, wall-eyed,
and of such super-asinine sagacity that I began at last to
find her some tax on my credulity. Not once but many
times does she rescue the good personages, with heels and
teeth, from the attacks of the evil-minded. Dialogue is
freely ascribed to her. At one time she goes of her own
accord to be re-shod in preparation for the journey of her
master. Hereabouts I began to be haunted by a memory
of similar quadrupeds that I had seen on the pantomime
stage. Eventually of course the herb is found, the school-
mistress restored to health and the lovers united. My only
surprise in all this was that the mule did not join their
hands. A pleasant, ingenuous story, which will bring
much content to the admirers of Mr. BURGIN and the lovers
of tall animal tales.
The Prussian has not exactly the knack of making him-
self devotedly loved even in peace time. Going for him in
When Blood is their Argument (HODDEB AND STOUGHTON),
Mr. FORD MADOX HUEFFER frankly adopts the bald-headed
method. The South German blood in him and the re-
membered tradition of an older, simpler, well-beloved.
Germany add a bitterness which no mere outsider critic,
can command. You might sum it up as the quarrel of the
Artist with the Professor (German: New Style), with all
his nationalised, organised Kunst and Kultur, his killing of
the spirit with the (dictated) letter. He thinks it is the
German Professor who has scotched for ever the leisurely
scholarship which expanded over the port wine, and has
replaced it by a formidable and loathly apparatus of
meticulously futile cramming labelled Philologie. He
airs the interesting thesis that GOETHE as the literary
Superman was deliberately manufactured, in first instance,
by FALK, the evil genius behind the Kulturkampf which led
BISMARCK to his Canossa; that the incomparably greater
but intractably liberal HEINE was relatively and as de-
liberately diminished. As to BISMARCK himself, he was
" a very great, very human and quite amiable figure."
That actor-manager autocrat, Wilhelm II., is the real
villain of the piece, and the Professors, threatened and con-
trolled to an inconceivable degree by a tyrannous bureaucratic
direction, mere dishonest mouthpieces of official doctrine.
Mr. HUEFFER has written an intriguing, inaccurate and
incoherent book, but he creates his impression. He has
360
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAY 5, 1915.
"cast his stone at the rat of Prussianism," as he set out to
do. And he can be very annoying, as when lie opens his
epilogue with a spasm of elegiacs and " 1 was lying in
bed one morning in September, 1914, reflecting on the
deiith of Tibullus." I felt that the superior person, restless
(luring the earlier chapters, had at last broken out, and
being a "general reader," and as such frequently put in
my place throughout the book, I was annoyed. Besides,
what is to become of Mr. GEORGE MOORE'S monopoly of
this sort of thing '/
From childhood Michael liepton felt the call of the forest.
He dreamed strange dreams — or dreamed often the same
strange dream — of trees and still water. Elstree and
Winchester wrought a temporary cure, but, as he drew to
manhood, the woods became
more and more of a necessity
to him, till finally he obeyed
the call. That is the main
theme of Behind the Thicket
(MAX GOSCHEN), the first novel
of Mr. W. E. B. HENDERSON.
It is a curious, arresting book,
loosely constructed yet never
lacking grip, an odd blend of
realism and mysticism, of fan-
tastic imageiy and careful de-
lineation of ordinary middle-
class life. If Mr. ARNOLD
BENNETT were to collaborate in
a novel with Mr. ARTHUR
MACHEN, each to have a free
hand, they would produce some-
thing very like it. This is not
to say that Mr. HENDERSON falls
short in originality, for that is
the last charge that could be
brought against him. It would
be easy to be flippant about
Behiiid the Thicket, and still
easier to be over-enthusiastic.
I am saved from the former
blunder by the genuine fascina-
tion of the tale; from the latter
by an intermittent facetiousness
(quite out of place in a novel of
this kind) , which finds expression
in such sentences as " the moral
peculiarities of ladies odolized —
sailor, author and lecturer," and from whose written and
spoken words so many have drawn a sincere pleasure — will
command many friends. To be honest, the chronicles
themselves, though they contain many diverting sketches
of experiences in a lecturer's life, with chairmen, hosts,
lanternists and the like, are for the most part rather small
beer. Missed trains and railway waiting-rooms may seem
to play a disproportionate part herein, to those especially
who do not share Mr. BULLEN'S sense of the minor dis-
comforts of life. The fact is that the real attraction of the
book has lain (for me at least) in its revelation of a
singularly simple and unaffected personality. Things that
many of us are apt to take for granted appear to have
preserved an unusual freshness for the author of The Cruise
of the Cachalot.
I like him, for a random example, upon the
hospitality of Fettes, which
" went far to convince me that
the lecturer's life was a charm-
ing one, the people were all so
pleasant, so eager to make one
happy and comfortable. More-
over, it was a delight to address
the lads. Of course it was im-
possible to tell how they would
have received the lecture had
they been perfectly free agents,
but that is one of those things
about which it is well never to
show too much curiosity." A
remark in its mingled shrewd-
ness and amiability very tvpical
of the man.
" THEY TELL MB THERE 's NOT MUCH TO BE SEEN WHEN
THEY SINK ONE OF THEM SUBMARINES — JUST A FEW BUBBLES
AND SPOTS OP OIL ON THE SURFACE 1 "
tut! idolized— by a grateful nation," and " he would not fetch
and carry, though she looked fetching and carried on " I
cannot better convey my admiration for the book as a
whole than by saying that these and similar horrors jarred
me like blows. But it would be uncanny if a first novel
were to be flawless, and Mr. HENDERSON'S mistakes are few
and easily corrected. Behind the Thicket is not great work
it it has so much promise in it of better things that
i ii i! ^ 1 1 io4-i-h/**3 mlnnl.? . r _ _ -i . . o
one
f 1 • i • n i . , •*• . — "vvvv*. vimieo UilO-U UlltJ
feels justified m looking forward to the time when its
r will produce something to evoke what Mr W B
ixwELL has called " the emotions experienced on widely
ffermg occasions by stout Cortez and slender Keats."
A sad interest attaches itself to a passage in the Preface
which the late Mr. FRANK T. BUMJSN wrote for his liecollec-
ms (SEELEY, SERVICE) where he states of the book " I
illy believe it may be my last." He died while 'the
aliiine was being published. No doubt, therefore, this
stion of his random memories—" the reminiscences of
asy llfe of one who has played the varied parts of
Those who like to retain some
visible souvenir of their chari-
table actions should send to
Mr. ANTHONV E. BARKER (491,
Oxford Street, W.), for The First
Belgian Portfolio, containing six
sketches of peaceful scenes over
which the fury of War has
lately passed. The entire pro-
ceeds of the sale of these
drawings are to be given to the
Belgian Belief Fund. The con-
trast of light and shade in his
studies of Dinant and Namur
may be a little fierce and his
treatment of the romantic
Chateau de Valzin, in the Ardennes, not quite perfect in
construction ; but his sketches of a wharf-scene at Antwerp
and a winding poplar avenue in Flanders are touched with
a very pleasant imagination.
The Censor Napping.
" The E 15 belongs to a class of sixteen submarines. Built in 1911,
she steamed (sic) ten knots below the surface, and sixteen above."
The Irish Times.
What was the use of our gallant sailors facing fearful odds
to prevent the secret of the E 15 falling into the enemy's
hands if it was to be given away like this ?
" Young Lady, B.C., dark, musical, moderate means, desires meet
educated Gentleman, same faith, comfortable income, sot over 40;
view matrimony." — Liverpool Echo.
The young lady will find it difficult to gratify her peculiar
taste in husbands. The article required happily grows
scarcer every day.
MAY
PUNCH, OR THK LONDON CIIAKIY A III.
361
CHARIVARIA.
and iirt. We suspect, however, that j ho said, "At Burlington II.. use the
horrors of war are brought home to us."
there lire not ;i lew citi/eiis \vh<> are
\\'i: hear that the crews of (lie Cler- complaining that they asked for bread
mac aircraft which ]iay us a visit, from and receive:! a stone.
time to time have a grievance. They
complain that, if their activities lead to A correspondent, of tho
"
loss of life they are called " bain -killers," < in-.-fll.'1- was, with other journalists,
while, if they only take tho life of a recently
hlackhird, they are jeered at :
and it, is really very difficult for
them to know what to do.
The MINISTER ov Pi ni.ic
INSTKICTION in Saxony has
issued an order to the effect
that the sons and daughters of
alien enemies shall be expelled
from all the schools in the
Kingdom. . This attempt to
protect English children from
imbibing Kultur is not the only
instance we have bad of the i
marked friendliness of the
Saxons towards ourselves.
* *
:;•. • i
"A defeat of Great Britain,"
says the Vossische Zeitimg, '•
.'.' would really be hailed as '
a relief by Australians and
Canadians." The Germans
certainly have a knack of
getting hold of information
before it reaches even those
most intimately concerned.
For example, the Canadians at
Ypres, and the Australians in
the Dardanelles, appear to
have been appallingly ignorant
of .. their real attitude towards
the Mother Country.
* ••:••
• " We have already, since the
.War. began, advanced much in
the world's respect and admir-
ation," says Die Welt. :Die
.\Vflt is, we imagine, the world
referred to. ... ...
""* ''
We like to see that even
diplomats can have their little
joke now and then, and the
following passage from an in-
terview with the EX-KHEDIVE
or I'.CYPT appeals to us: — "I
was in Constantinople," said
AKIUS II., " recovering from a
wound inflicted by a would-
entertained to dinner in
BRITANNIA JO AMERICA
ON THE SINKING OF THE LUSITANIA.
In silence you have looked on felon blows, : .
On butcher's work of which, the waste lands reek ;
Now, in God's name, from Whom your greatness flows,
Sister, will you not speak ?
he assassin, when tho War broke out. i French villa by the GROWN PRINCE
I intended to leave immediately for RUPPRECHT of BAVARIA. "The party,
Egypt, but the English advised me not j while dining," we are told, "talked of
to hurry back, telling me that the I the defects of French taste, and PRINCE
weather was too hot for me in Cairo.'' Rrpi-RECHT said that French bouses
*** were full of horrors." True, O Prince,
According to the KAISER'S wireless hut the French are determined to drive
press "the corner-stone of the German I them out. ., ,.
Library, an eminent work of peace in'
the midst of war," was solemnly laid Which reminds us that a critic was
I joipzig last week in the presence of rather brutally hard on some of the
•ftate dignitaries and men of science pictures at -the Royal Academy when
"£50,000,003 Foil TI'IIKKV
n:'>M 01 It (iv.x i !>!:iii:sr.iM>!:xT."
]>(iil:i Mail.
While this gives one a good idea of
the princely salaries which our con-
temporary must pay its cor-
respondents, it also looks like
a flagrant instance of trading
with the enemy.
' :1:
Persons liable to super-tax,
Mr. LLOYD GEORGE tells us,
now number 2(>,000. Might
j it not be worth while, with ;v
view to increasing their nuiii-
[ hers, to offer a bonus to all
who join their ranks?
'':'• '•('•
From Tin' (iiii/islu/ .NVi/-.s-: -
"Wednesday was a beautiful,
bright, sunny day, and in the
afternoon we observed that
Mr. RICHARD MASON, the dis-
trict county coroner, availed
himself of these enjoyable
conditions to drive out, accom-
panied by Mrs. MASON, to
the Riby Wold-road Farm of
Mr. ADDIBON. Here lie held
an inquest . . . Mr. MASON
must have many pleasant
drives in the spring and
summer as his district em-
braces 91 parishes, and many
of the wold villages are very
beautiful, and well worth a
visit." One can almost hear
Mr. MASON saying to his wife,
" It 's a fine day, my dear.
Let 's hold an inquest."
. . * *
We do wish our newspapers
would avoid ambiguity. The
following headlines are sun?
to be quoted by the enemy
press : —
"TO END THE WAR
SPEEDILY.
MB. BONAH LAW'S WAY.
CRUELTY TO PRISONERS."
Daily Mail.
& •'.'
Tho offspring of The Daily
Chronicle, to - the regret of
many persons, suddenly lost its identity
last week. As BYRON had it : —
" Hark ! to the hurried question of Despair,
' Where is my child? ' " — And Kcho answers
"Where?"
Cleanliness is next to Godliness.
From a Parish Magazine : — •
y thanks ti the Revs.
and , for their help on the Sunday after
Kaster, during the spring cleaning of
IYiost-iM-<'harge."
tho
VOL. CXLVIIt.
PUNCH* OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAY 12, 1915.
FOR HOME AND BEAUTY.
HACK from their mimic gamo of- war
Against a bodiless foe,
Morry d!' lii'iii-l and moist of pore
By Kingston Vale they go ;
Ciiily they swing, this evo of May,
Between the blossoms l)lo\vn.
Column of route, in russet grey,
The Veteran "Devil's Own."
And who are these that hustle hy
Churning the tar and heat,
And throw a dull and curious eye
On men that use their feet —
On men that march in thirsty ranks,
Poor hopeless imbeciles,
When all but beggars, dogs and cranks
Career on rubber wheels?
These are- the stout Hurst Park Brigade !
Home from the course they ride
From keeping up the noble trade
That swells the nation's pride ;
For these our Army does its bit
While they in turn peruse
Death's honour-roll (should time permit)
After the Betting News.
What homage to these Kings of Sport
Should humble soldiers give?
Why even we, 'mere Inns of Court,
• Who -pay for leave to live — •
If WILLIAM ever cross the wave,
Into the tight we 'd spring,
And at our own expenses save
The Manhood of the Ring.
0. S.
UNWRITTEN LETTERS TO THE KAISER.
No. XXI.
(From Captain HELMUT VON EISENSTAMHI, at present con-
fined in an Officers' Prison Camp in England.)
ALL HIGHEST WAR LORD, — I trust your Majesty will not
misinterpret my true feelings of devotion to your own
person and to the cause of our Fatherland if, humble as
I am, I venture to address these few lines to you. I am
a prisoner of war, removed now for these many weeks both
from the opportunity of serving my country and from the
chance of incurring death or wounds on its behalf. We
who are here are not unreasonably restrained. There is,
of course, barbed wire, and there are many sentries, as is
only natural ; but we are allowed to arrange for ourselves
such amusements as we can devise, both indoors and in
the free air. We play at football, we have concerts and
dramatic representations, we lecture to one another on
subjects of interest, and the vigilance of those who guard
us, though it is to the highest point careful, is never
willingly oppressive. The food is good and plentiful.
In short, I may. say that we are treated with the
consideration which is due from brave men to those
who by bad luck have fallen into their hands.
That is the case not less with the German private soldiers
who are permitted to wait upon us than witli the naval
and military officers, to the number of more than a hundred
and fifty, who are confined here. The house is large and
there are many rooms; the garden and the walks are in
the simple English style ; and when we go walking there
we are not shut in by dark and frowning walls, but can
look out over the pleasant country which lies beyond. The
Commandant and his officers are not tyrants to us.
Everything, indeed, is done to make our lot as tolerable to
us as the hard circumstances permit. I have in my time
said many harsh things of the English (and some of them
are perhaps still true), but that they know how to treat
misfortune without seventy and how to behave as gentle-
men — I use the English word — to enemies who are harm-
less and in distress, this 1 shall always henceforth affirm to
the best of my ability in the face of those who in ignorance
presume to deny it. Like LUTHER, here I stand ; I cannot
otherwise. I am sure it will give pleasure to your Majesty
to hear that this is so, for you are the father of your people,
and it would grieve your paternal heart if it were proved
that anywhere even the least of your subjects was suffering
under wrong or cruelty. Of these there is not, and never
has been, the smallest trace.
Yet even with all possible mitigations how wretched is
the fate of one who is a prisoner. He is in a foreign land,
and is commanded by those who are foreigners and speak
in a foreign tongue. He thinks of his own dear country
and of those he loves. It is true that he might be dead had
he not been taken, and that he would never have seen them
again, whereas now he is in no danger; but this cannot
console him. Somehow, indeed, it seems to him to he an
aggravation of his lot, for he has not even the freedom now
to offer his life. To add to the misfortunes and sufferings
of such a man by unnecessary harshness or cruelty would
be an inhuman wickedness, and it is impossible to conceive
that any civilised nation could do this thing. To be sure
it is stated in English newspapers which we are permitted
to read (I do not find the permission a very valuable one)
that English prisoners in Germany have been shamefully
dealt with. It is said that they have been hooted and spat
upon, that they were herded together in cattle-trucks filled
with filth, and that in their prisons they are scarcely
treated as human beings. Such charges I should look
upon as necessarily untrue, but I know that war corrupts
human nature in some miserable men, and I appeal to your
Majesty, if there has anywhere been such conduct, to stamp
upon it and punish it. You are all-powerful, and you have
but to say the word. It would be a terrible thing for us
Germans if, when the War is over, our soldiers dare not look
one another in the face with frank honour because some
scoundrels have wreaked their malice on unfortunate
Englishmen, and have incurred no penalty for such a crime.
With inmost loyalty, VON EISENSTAMM.
TO THE POWERS OF DARKNESS.
THRICE potent lords who gag the Press's throttle
And chuckle at our human thirst for facts,
How long will ye hermetically bottle
The stirring tale of Tommy's glorious acts?
Be warned in time, lest all too late ye learn
The Lion, even as the worm, will turn!
Behold, a sign! The "news" disseminated
By Teuton war-lords o'er the list'ning earth,
No longer by our sheets is relegated
To niches sacred to the god of mirth ;
Those once-derided "facts" we now are shown
In strong and startling type beside our own !
Beware lest we, aroused to sheer unkindness,
And deeming that the diz/iest of views
Are better, after all, than total blindness,
Should simply boycott you, and read no news
Unless it clearly shows itself to be
Made, or at least inspired, in Germany!
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— MAY 12, 1915.
ON WITH THE NEW HATE.
M\v 12,
PUNCH, OR THR LONDON CHARIVARI.
3G5
GIVEN AWAY.
Bored Officer (after reluctant visit). " GOOD-BYE, Miw. JACKSOX — KNJOYKD MYSELF IMMENSELY."
Wife. "THERE — I TOLD YOU SO i I K.VEIK YOU 'D ENJOY YOUBSKLH."
A TRAMP- JUGGLER.
"TALKING of tramp-jugglers," said I,
" if you would like to hear about a turn
I s:i\v the other day —
" Go on," said the others.
" Well, lie wandered on aimlessly at
first, dragging a toy liorsa with a very
stumpy tail and talking to himself.
' La, la, la,' lie said. Then he wont and
<1 against a sofa in a most gallant
at tit udo and talked to a lady friend.
' La, la, la' was still the burden of his
talk. IIo didn't seem to notice that
his legs wire slipping from under him.
Just as ho was collapsing he grabbed
at the lady's nose and the horse's tail,
and eamo down in a glorious tangle."
" I know," said Lionel, chuckling.
" In the midst of the tangle he found
a brightly -coloured picture-book and
began reading it with a casual air.
Then IK; threw the book away and fell
over the horse on to a box of wooden
bricks. Ho played with them lying flat
on the ground. Then he stood up with
one foot among the horse's legs and the
other in the brick-box."
" Go on," said Lionel.
" Ho wandered off and returned in a
second or two carrying a towel and a
sponge and licking a piece of soap with
evident enjoyment. He tripped over
the towel and fell flat on his face still
clinging to the sponge and licking the
soap imperturbably. He opened a
chocolate box lying on the floor, took
out a chocolate, ate it and put the soap
in its place. Then he scrubbed the
floor with the sponge and rubbed it with
the horse eat one ball and he tried to
put one in the chocolate box. Then he
washed them with the sponge. At last
he stood with all the four balls in his
arms. And then —
' And then, "said Lionel, " there was
some first-rate juggling,
must sea him for myself.
By Jove, I
Where is he
the towel. He tried to put the sponge on ? "
" We shall always be pleased to see
you," said I, " and I have no doubt you
in the chocolate box. ]t wouldn't go
in. lie threw out all the chocolates, j^., .„„,,..., u.,u .1 ,,,i.u ..v, KUUK* j^i.
gave another lick to the soap, put the will enjoy an average ten minutes of
sponge in the box, tried to rattle it and the life of my first-born, agod sixteen
threw it away." months."
" 1 can see it," cried Lionel, in
ecstasy, " I can see it exactly." .. Tho ^operation between the Fleet and
" Once more he wandoie 1 oIT, first the Navy was excellent."— TJie Scotsman.
stumbling over the horse, and falling Our contemporary does not mention it,
flat on the towel, and came back with , but wo hear on the i,jghe9t authority
two balls. Ho threw them on the floor. lhat the Troops and the Army also
Then he brought two more Then lie worked together most harmoniously.
brought a hatr-brush. He brushed his
hair the wrong way. Ho brushed his '
clothes He nut out his tonpue ' "GeneralJames Dram, of Washington, has
es I put out ins ton ue, wired to General Hughes, Minister of Militia:—
brushed that, and didn t like it. Then <i giorv iu the magnificent brewery of the
he picked up a ball and brushed its hair. ' Canadians.' "-
Finally he used the brush to sweep the Woh-er)iampton Express and Star.
floor. | The CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER is
" After that he went round and slowly said to regret the wording of this
gathered the balls. Usually when he tribute, as being calculated to prejudice
had got three he stumbled over the ' the success of his attempt to cope with
horso or the towel. He tried to make the drink question.
366
PUNCH, OR T1IK LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAY 12, 1915.
A TERRITORIAL IN INDIA.
VII.
MY DKMI Mit. 1't NCH, We have com-
pleted tin- dreaded Kitchener Test, and
found il not so very terrible after all.
In fact, strictly between ourselves, \\e
<[iiiie enjoyed ii, though naturally in
our letters home \ve endeaYoiir by subtle
. 'stioii to convey the impression
that \ve have had the veiy tlcuce of a
time.
Our
lir-,1 ordeal \vastoriseat4A.M.
prowess w ith which I will not weary
vou.
It is a good thing the Test is over,
because the weal her is getting in-
decently hot. But it is the growing
plague of Hies and mosquitoes which
threatens to render life unendurable.
With regard to the last-named, I have
recently been told of an ' infallible
method of escaping their attentions at
night. All you have to do, states my
informant, is to leave a gap in the
mosquito curtain round your bed ten
minutes before retiring to rest. All
the mosquitoes in the room will eagerly
swarm through it. Then you merely
close the aperture and sleep in peace
survivors
will be called upon to
be to do guards and
and do a fifteen-mile route march, fol-
lowed by a spirited attack upon the
barracks. Roman Catholics were ex-
empt from this test. It was a Saint's
day, and they rose three
hours later than we, enjoyed
a leisurely breakfast and at-
tended church. You might
not believe me if I told you
the number of converts to
their religion from our bat-
talion since then.
In this attack we used no
ammunition, and the bursts
of firing which covered our
sectional rushes were repre-
sented by a vigorous working
of bolts and easing of springs.
Having proved that we could
perform this operation with-
out undue danger to ourselves
and the public, we were pro-
vided with blank cartridge
for the strenuous rearguard
action which we fought on
the following day. Again
there were no casualties be-
yond the collapse, under the
terse eloquence of our Colonel,
of one unfortunate, who
chanced to let off his rifle at '
the wrong moment. Though '
still very weak, he is expected : MY J!IND- 8 BEEN AND JOINED THE BANTAMS; AN' WEN I
AT
MY WIPE THAI YOU WERE LEAVING
"BUT I UNDERSTOOD FROM
US TO MARRY THE SWEEP."
"Yus. BUT IP IT'S ALL THE SAME TO YOU, SIR, I
to recover.
Shortly afterwards we waged a des-
perate battle against a strong force of
cunningly entrenched cardboard heads
and shoulders and canvas screens, and
this time — so impressed were the au-
thorities by our previous successes— we
were permitted to use ball ammunition.
Incredible as it may seem, we again
came through unscathed, but the enemy
was shockingly mangled.
You must not suppose that these
exercises comprised all the Kitchener
Test. We inarched out by night
across country to take up a position
against a theoretically hostile village
in such absolute silence that one
officer was afterwards heard to declare
that the rustling of a cricket's eyelashes
as it blinked was distinctly audible to
him. Then there was an affair of
outposts and other searching examin-
ations of our military knowledge and
SOR "IM WIV 'IS FACE WASHED-
the
perform will
sleep. If promotion should result from
proficiency at the latter, you may
expect to see me corning home at least
a sergeant.
For myself, I shall pin my faith
to Zeem Soap, sold in the bazaars
here. A leaflet describing this mira-
culous preparation was thrust into my
hands a few days ago at the Nauchandi
Fair, /eem Soap, I gather, is "not
only indispensaple for famalies who
process its beneficial effects, but re-
moves all pimples, blouches and sorce
instantaneously and requires no recom-
mandation to cure and route out
i all germicide diseases." Fur-
thermore, "health and beauty
go band in hand by its use."
Health I have in abundance
up to the present, but beauty
will be a new and strange
gift. I wonder . . . but I
must wait in patience.
I intended to tel! you
I about the far - famed and
wonderful Nauchandi Fair,
where I spent several fasci-
nating hours, but towards
the end of my visit a large
notice showed me that my
labour would be superfluous.
The Fair was, I learned,
under the patronage of —
among other distinguished
people — the Maharajah of
Punch. Salaam, Maharajah !
You may lie interested to
know that some of our fellows
have discovered who writes
these letters to you. A few
days ago I innocently over-
heard a conversation relating
to the identity of the " silly
ass who puts that stuff in
1 Punch."
"I believe it's somebody in this
battalion," said one.
" I know very well who it is," replied
another. " I don't know his name,
but he 's a cow-faced idiot, clean-shaven
— wet sort of fool altogether."
So they had found me out.
VE CHANGED
The
but
secret was no longer a secret .
what was this ?
" Always hanging about the library,"
on the floor while the baffled insects
fight against one another in their
prison.
I feel sure it is an admirable plan,
but unhappily we have no mosquito
curtains.
Though the perspiration we now
shed would seem to be the limit, we
have yet, it appears, to learn what
heat really is. The knowledge will
not long be withheld from two hundred
of us, who are under orders to leave
in about a fortnight for what we are
assured is the torridest and unhealthiest
hot-weather station in all India. Our
Commanding Officer did his best,
when giving out the announcement on
parade, to hearten us by stating that
flowers are very cheap there, and that
he himself is quite competent to read "Germany's iron ore production in March
Hio "P,,,.1 i Q /m \ amounted to 993,438 tons, against 803,638 tons
the Burial Service over us (Cheers), j in Fcbniar,.. jj ia stcadilv increasing."
tie added that the only duties which | German Wireless.
added the speaker.
I breathed again,
a hawk.
ONE
Wears glasses."
I have the eye ot
Yours ever,
OP THE PVXCH BHIOADK.
State Help for Industries.
" According to an <.f'lii;ial report, '2,000 Her-
man soldiers in Alsace-Lorraine have U-i n
decorated with the Iron Cross.
MAY 12, 191,-,.]
PUNCH, OR TIIK LONDON CHARIVARI.
367
First Belle. "YAH! I WOULDN'T WALK OUT WITH A KID LIKE THAT."
Second Belle. " WELL, HE 's GOT A UNIFOBM, ANYHOW."
THE WORLD'S LOSS.
AND is old BUNNY dead ? Alas that
that vast mobile countenance should
never again be the battlefield of the
emotions — foar, triumph, surprise, mor-
tification, glee, despair. But so has it
been decreed, and JOHN BUNNY, the
hero of countless cinema comedies, is
no more, cut down in his prime. For
years he had been the favc-urito big
funny-man of " the pictures," and
though ho has left countless imitators
tlici •<> is no successor, while his greatest
rival in publicity and popularity, MAX
LINDEB, the reckless and debonair,
fights for France.
Of all the unexpected developments
which have followed the invention of
animated photography none can be
more astonishing than its bearing upon
thi! late leviathan " featurer." What
l'>i NXV was doing when MUYBRIDGE, or
EDISON, or whoever it was, hit upon
the discovery, I do not know, but one
tiling is certain, and that is that he was
obscure ; and (so little do we know our
luck) a probability is that he was not
without the wish, now and then, that
en had been less lavish to him in
tin1 matter of facial opulence. However,
the cinema was born, and every day
from that moment, although neither
the cinema nor BUNNY was aware of it,
they were drawing nearer and nearer
together, and his abounding face was
more and more in danger of becoming
his fortune. See how Fate works ! And
at last, one day, the two converging lines
met. The god out of the machine, in the
person of an alert cinema impresario,
caught sight of BUNNY; a thousand
possibilities rushed through his mind;
the bargain was struck, and BUNNY
started out on the great and wholly un-
contemplated task of growing wealthy
beyond the dreams of avarice, if ever
I he had any, and becoming the best-
known man in the world.
For that is what he was ! HELEN'S
face may have launched a thousand
ships, but BUNNY'S enraptured millions
of audiences. Wherever a picture-
palace exists, whether at Helsingfors
or Brindisi, Cairo or Cape Coast Castle,
Vladivostok or Littlehampton, Hobart
or Duluth, Bahia Blanca or Archangel,
there the features of JOHN BUNNY are
as familiar as household words. Vast
multitudes of human beings who do
'not yet know what the KAISER looks
I like are intimate with BUNNY'S every
j expression.
Peace to his ashes!
LISSUE.
[My wife asks me what Lissue hand-
kerchiefs are. I am sorry to say my
answer did not satisfy her.]
IN purple cities up against the sky
! Along the flaming edge where sunsets
die,
j Holy and virginal and whits as milk
Royal princesses spin the costly silk,
The gleaming tissue
Of far-famed Lissue.
Hung like a film of verdure 'neath the
sun,
Mile after mile the Lissue gardens run ;
Tall pale princesses, with their flaxen
hair
Circled with crowns of gold, are spin-
ning there
Hanky and fichu
Of filmy Lissue.
From lighted halls where spin the
wheels till dawn,
And royal ladies stifle a last yawn,
Perhaps they hear when fall the winter
rains
An eerie sound across the mist-bound
plains,
A ghostly " tish-oo ! "
Smothered in Lissue.
368
I'l'.NCll, oil TIIK LONDON CIIAK1 VARI.
[MAY 12, 1915.
AN ANGLO-BELGIAN VENUS.
" WK are going to have three,'
iinnounced my cousin as I sat dowr
beside the tea-table.
Cynthia has a habit, which occasion-
ally makes her a little difficult to follow
of picking up by a very small threat
some conversation of the week before
last.
"Bravo! " I said, hoping for furthei
light.
" You see, it was a question of bed-
rooms," she continued.
" In all these cases," I agreed, " it is
the bedrooms that really count — that
is, I should say, it is the bedrooms
that have to be counted."
" Cynthia feels with me that what is
imperatively needed in this — ah —
somewhat remote district is a practical
example," said my Uncle James from
the fireplace.
Uncle James is generally to be found
near the fireplace. He is a man for
whom I have the greatest respect. A
rural dean in rather a large way, with
an apostolic manner faintly diluted at
times by a decorous bonhomie, he may
certainly be regarded as one of the
stouter pillars of our local society.
His remark, however, though embody-
ing a sound ethical principle, did not
seem to get us much farther forward.
" I shall have to rub up my French,"
said Cynthia.
At last I understood. " Pas dit tout,"
1 said politely.
"What?" asked Uncle James in a
slightly puzzled voice.
" Je ne voulais qite dire," I replied
with some difficulty, "que mademoiselle
votre fills parle dejd assez couramment
la langue de nos Allies."
With the gravest dignity Uncle
James finished his cup of tea and took
out his watch.
" I must be going," he said ; " the
Archdeacon is expecting me at 5.30."
" Poor Papa ! " said Cynthia as the
door closed behind him; "I do hope
our Belgians will be able to speak
English."
About a week later I received a note
from Cynthia asking me to come round
in the afternoon. I obeyed, and found
her looking distinctly worried.
" Oil sont vos amis ? " I asked.
" You needn't bother. Monsieur
speaks English quite well and trans-
lates everything to his wife and
daughter. Papa likes them immensely.
He has taken them out for a walk."
" Capital ! Then you 've all settled
down comfortably together ? "
" I thought so till this morning,"
said Cynthia with a sigh.
" Qu'est-ce qite rows — I mean, what 's.
the matter ? "
" It is Monsieur. You know Papa's
Venus, the statuette he bought last
year in Brussels '! "
" Yes, I was with him at the time."
" Monsieur noticed it yesterday in
the hall, and this morning he came to
me and said that he and his family
must leave us."
" But I had no idea that the Latin
races
" It isn't that. It appears that he
was the proprietor of the shop where
Papa bought it, and that he sold it to
him as a genuine antique, whereas in
reality it was made in Birmingham."
"Ah ! " I said sadly.
" Monsieur is overwhelmed with re-
morse and declares it is impossible
longer to accept the hospitality of one
whom he has betrayed. However, I
begged him to wait at any rate till to-
morrow before he said anything to
Papa about it. And then I sent for
you at once. So now what is to be
done?"
I stared very hard at the carpet for
five minutes. " Cynthia," I said at
length, " your father must be sacri-
ficed, but it shall be a painless opera-
tion— in fact, he will never realise
that it has taken place."
" Are you sure ? " she asked doubt-
fully.
" Perfectly," I said ; " leave it to me."
A little later Uncle James and his
guests returned, and we all took tea
together. Conversation with Madame
and Mademoiselle was carried on, as
Cynthia had said, through the medium
of Monsieur. I myself made no attempt
to reach them by the more direct route,
since my French, though perfect in its
way, is not of the sudden, unpre-
meditated type so much in vogue in
[Continental circles. After tea I managed
io secure a few minutes alone with
Monsieur.
I decided to come straight to the
point. " Monsieur," I said, " my
cousin has told me all."
" Behold," he replied, " an angel !
Mademoiselle would forgive. To her
it is a bagatelle. She — how say you '?
she snaps at it the thumb. But for
me, Monsieur, I am desolated. The
business is the business ; I know it.
But to have betrayed one's host, it is
other thing. It is impossible that I
rest here."
"My dear Sir," I said soothingly,
' do not distress yourself. I was with
my uncle when he bought the Venus.
He paid you with a 100-franc note."
"It is true," he admitted with an
neffable gesture of despair.
" Did you pass it on ? " I asked.
"But naturally."
" You were indeed fortunate."
" What mean you ? "
" Monsieur," I said, " on the morning
of our departure from your beautiful
city we discovered that one of your
countrymen had deceived us."
" The note ! " exclaimed Monsieur ;
" it was then a bad ? "
" Alas ! yes. On the previous after-
noon I had gone to the races, un-
accompanied by my uncle, who as an
ecclesiastic of the middle degree does
not 'permit himself such distractions.
On my return I was able to settle a
little debt that I owed him with a 100-
franc note. Next morning, when he
paid his hotel bill, he offered this to the
manager. The manager, who had once
been a Scotchman, rejected it. My
uncle was annoyed. He asked me to
take hack the note and to give hi in
another in exchange. But I also had
just paid my bill — a larger one than 1
had looked for — and had little more
than my return ticket left. My uncle
thought deeply. Finally he said to me,
" This is an unfortunate business, but
it may well be that not all the inhabi-
tants are so fastidious as the unpleasant
manager of our hotel. Let us endeavour
to rid ourselves elsewhere of this pesti-
lent note. It will be but just, since
what is sauce for the goose is sauce
also for the gander."
"I comprehend. Then it was I
who ? "
" You were the gander," I said.
He smiled. "Yet at the end not I
but another." I nodded.
" Monsieur," he said happily, " you
have raised the weight from my soul.
It is what you call allsquare."
ON A EECENT VICTOEY.
THE joybells and the bunting of Berlin
Failed to convince me of the German
win :
But now that WOLFF'S Bureau dis-
counts the haul,
There may be something in it, after all.
Clerical Resilienc?.
" They had had the B hop of Buckingham
among them, and he was sure they would
wish him to greet him under his new title,
and say how greatly they looked forward to au
increase of spiritual activity in the Church
owing to his appointment."
Report of Oxford Diocesan Conference.
Where the B hops, there hop I.
" Distance Lends Enchantment."
" PORTMAN-SQUARE (two miles from it).
— Very bright Furnished ROOMS on second
and third floor, bath, electric light; references."
Advertisement in " The Times."
This apparent prejudice against Port-
man Square is to us inexplicable. We
have always understood it to be quite
a respectable locality.
MAY 12, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
369
PUNCH IN BAMP8TEAD.
WEARY of war and war's alarms,
Of gruesome placards and the cry
With which the urban newsboy charms
Odd pence from passers-by
Seeking some solitude remote,
Through Ilampstead town at eve I
spoil,
And sadden heard the pan-pipes' note
Sound cheerily ahead.
1 heard the pipes ; I heard the drum ;
There came an eager urchin throng
Shouting for joy that Punch had come
With frolic, jest and song.
I lingered — for I thought to win
A respite from the current care,
Hoping that War's unhappy din
Would find no echo there.
Alas the day ! With anguisli keen
1 saw the all-pervading Hun
Disfigure each remembered scene
And spoil the homely fun.
The sage, to mere revue come down,
Burlesqued VON TIRPITZ in his lair ;
Cast from his old estate, the clown
Appeared as WILHELM'S heir.
My boyhood's joy, the crocodile,
He too was changed, and though lie
wore
The same red flannel tongue his smile
Was sadder than of yore.
For now, whene'er lie graced the stage,
A quaint embodiment of fate,
Punch stirred the patriot reptile's rage
By calling him U 8.
The quips that cheered a bygone day
Fell flat and lifeless to the ground ;
With heavy heart I crept away
Before the hat came round.
THE SPOBPOT.
1 AM not sure if that is how they
spell it in Belgium, but that is how we
mean to spell it in Crashie Howe. We
have reason to be grateful to our
refugees for introducing this admirable
little implement. For the Sporpot has
come to stay.
The first I heard of it was from
Louis when he went to work in the
Minister's garden. He made good
wages there for a week or two, and
the thing was rather on his conscience.
He came to me to discuss the point.
Should this money be paid to go against
the cost of keeping his family, or should
lie spend it ? But before I could reply
a perfect compromise occurred to him.
He would put it in his Sporpot. It
seemed to me an excellent arrangement.
There is nothing new in principle
about the Sporpot. Most of us began
life with something of the sort in our
possession. But it always had a key,
and that was where it failed. A Spo'r-
"I BEE MR. BASIL BE HOME A<
MENT AS MX BON. IT BE CALLED
AIN, MlSS. I WONDER IF HE BE IN THE SAME HEiil-
' THE BRITISH EXPEDITIONARY FOKCE ' ! "
pot with a key is no better than a ship
with a leak. It must be unrelenting,
imporous, adamant, without compro-
mise or saving clause or loophole or
back-door. It is the absolute cid-de-
sac. Once you have dropped in your
coin through the slit at the top it
should be as irrevocable as yesterday.
important undertaking, after he settled
and as soon as he had satis-
urgent needs — such
as
among us,
fied his more
catching chaffinches and making cages
for them and hanging them up outside
the door — was to establish a Sporpot.
And there could be no more fit com-
panion (or the exile. It is a slender
Of course the thing can be broken open, | thread that still holds him to Belgium,
far away. It keeps him looking for-
ward, for it is at least a beginning — all
he can do in these long months of
waiting. Like the little tag-end of
Belgian soil that is still defended by
the Allied Army, it is at least a
but no one would care to have any
dealings with the sort of man who
would break open his Sporpot. Unless,
of course, he can prove it full.
As the proper emblem of a thrifty
people the Sporpot seems to be quite
domesticated in Belgium, as much a
jumping-off place for the New Start.
member of the household as the dresser ! May every Sporpot be full (and rjpe
or the clock. And the Belgian's first ' for the hatchet) on the Day !
370
PUNCH, OK TIIK LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAY 12, 1915.
Mother {whose husband has lately joined tlie Territorials). "Do YOU KNOW, DARLING, DADDY is A SOLDIER NOW?"
Child. "On! MUMMY. THEN WILL HE COME UP TO THE PRAM AND BAY, 'HELLO, BABY, AND HOW'S NANNY?"*
WHY HBNERY WENT.
Henery — for that was what every-
one called him — was, the despair of
the village recruiters. Everyone tried
to induce him to enlist and everyone
failed ignominiously. The Vicar, who
had conceived the totally erroneous
idea that Henery had conscientious
objections to fighting, proved to him
that fighting in a cause like GUI'S was.
clearly justified by all laws human and
divine.
"Don't you go 'pologisin' to me
for goin', Sir," said Henery. "I'd
never think o' blamin' you, Sir. I
minds my own business."
The postmistress, greatly daring,
presented him with a white feather.
"Thankee, Miss," said Henery,
putting it in his hat, " but I tells you
if you goes chasin' Squire's ducks to
give young men presents you'll get
into trouble."
The Squire himself told Henery that
every young man who could shoulder
a gun ought to be off.
" It 's none o' my business, Sir,"
said Henery.
" Is there a coward in this village ? "
demanded the Squire.
" Your gamekeepers don't think so
if they swore true at petty sessions,"
replied Henery.
And certainly it was a fact that
Henery on one splendid occasion had
tackled three gamekeepers and thrashed
them horribly.
Not even the news that his step-
brother Albert had been taken prisoner
moved Henery.
" Why should I go botherin' about
'im bein' in prison ! 'E never went
and fought no one when I was doin'
three weeks instead o' paying five
pound and costs."
Even Mr. Bates of " The Bull " used
his potent influence in vain. "Look
'ere, Henery, just you see what these
Uns have been up to."
" They never done nothing to me,"
persisted Henery.
But one morning the postman
handed Henery a postcard over the
garden hedge.
Henery read the postcard with diffi-
culty, put his spade in an outhouse,
took down his old hat with the white
feather in it and walked straight to the
railway station.
"Where are you goin', Henery?"
asked the station-master.
" Off to 'list. Look at that postcard."
The station-master read " Thanks
for fags. Why didn't you send some-
thing to eat? Hoping this finds you
well as it leaves me at present. Albert."
"I sent 'im a pork-pie with them
fags," said Henery. " 'E was always
a wunner for pork-pie. Well, they
pinched it. Now 1 minds my business,
but folks as interferes with me gets
sorry. I '11 make that KEESEB sorry 'c
touched my pork-pie."
And leaping into the train, and
waving the white-feathered hat in
farewell, Henery departed into the
unknown. _
Branding a Butterfly.
" The butterflies of this month are very few,
apart from the second-hand hibernators from
last year. The green hairstreak is a surprise
without a rival. Who could see an apple-
green butterfly without marking it with a red
letter? " — Daily News.
This branding of butterflies, even if they
are second-hand, ought to be stopped.
PUNCH, OR Til K LONDON CHARIVARI.— MAV 12, 1915.
A CHEERFUL GIVER.
MAY 12, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
373
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
(KXTIIACI -I:i) 1 RDM TIIK DlAHY OP ToHY, M.I'.)
House of Commons, Turmldi/, Mi of
May. — Imperturbability of House of
Commons amazing. Twelve months
ago it listened to exposition of a Budget
which estimated an expenditure of
£197,493,000, and counted upon a
pleasing surplus of three-quarters of a
million. After a period of eight
months of War it learns that at
end of financial year expendi-
ture has run up to £560,474,000,
leaving CHANCELLOR OP EX-
CHEQUER faced by deficit of
£333,780,000. Hears this start-
ling story with as little sign of
emotion as was displayed when
it listened to the earlier one.
It did not blench when the
CHANCELLOR incidentally men-
tioned that average daily cost
of the War now amounts to
£2,100,000. If it ends in Sep-
tember the aggregate would
reach £786,778,000. If it runs
on to April next it would exceed
eleven hundred millions ster-
ling !
This stupendous sum, never
before mentioned by matter-of-
fact CHANCELLOR OF EXCHE-
QUER, seems more appropriate
to the Budget of Wonderland.
House this afternoon quietly re-
cognised it as an actuality that
must he faced. Resolved that,
at whatever personal sacrifice,
money must be provided.
Attendance, though full, not
comparable with number ac-
they pleased, have found seats l>elow.
A few Peers dropped in. In the l)is
languished Strangers' Gallery K\N.H
looked on with the judicial air of an
umpire at Lord's. When CHANCELLOR
mentioned cost of eight
War he murmured, " What
£560,474,000 and not out— of the wood
months'
a score!
yet."
Throughout exposition,
for
form a dependable opinion— not as to
the ultimate issue of the War, Imcause
that is not in doubt — but as to its
duration."
Sharing this conviction of certain if
delayed victory House not, disposed to
waste time in talk. By ten minutes
'to nine formal Resolution passed
David (to tlie Philistine) : " LOOK HEBE, OLD MAN.
HATE TO BE THE CAUSE OP ANY UNPLEASANTNESS.
without division, practically without
criticism.
Busineu </»</('. — Budget intro-
duced.
Wednesday. --'In both Houses
talk of treatment of thirty-nine
British prisoners in Germany,
carefully selected in order to
have practised upon them re-
prisals for alleged ill-treatment
of officers and crew of German
submarines guilty of murderous
practices on the high seas and
interned in this country. In the
Lords the Earl of ALBEMARLE
broached the subject. Profound
sympathy .manifested towards
him by those who knew that
one of the victims of German
insensate hate is his son. In
the Commons Lord ROBERT
CECIL, on motion for adjourn-
ment, questioned PREMIER.
Squalid story simply told in
letters from the victims read by
both noble Lords. One, dated
April 13th, and written from a
convict prison, tells how "we
are locked in cells 12 feet by
6 feet [just the size of a billiard-
table] . We are not allowed to
speak to each other. A bowl
I SHOULD with a little coffee in it forms
WHY _NOT our breakfast, and a mixture of
potatoes and meat our lunch.
customed to gather on ordinary APPROACH ME AS A DEPUTATION AND TALK THINGS OVER?"
Budget nights. Apart from absence occasion, there was little of the laughter j At 2.45 we walk in a tiny little yard,
or cheering that usually punctuates : about 20 yards long, for about three-
of Members on active service, House
just now fed up with Budgets. Time a Budget speech. Exception made
was when we had them once a year, when, in opening sentence, CHANCELLOR
Once a quarter is now nearer the mark. I remarked that " the operations of the
Last November one presented in sup- 1 coming Summer will alone enable us to
plementof thecustomary
spring - cleaning of the
Exchequer. Another last
week in connection with
Drink Duties. And to-
day, " Here we are
again," as the CHAN-
CELLOR OK HXCHEQUEII
might say, were he in
merry mood. Nor is this
all. There is promise
of another within six
months when, as CHAN-
CELLOR puts it, we shall
he in better position to
judge of duration of
War.
A sprinkling of "Mem-
bers faced him from side
gallery. They might, had
1914 PEACE BUDGET.
The Fighting Cocks.
1915 WAB BUDGET.
The TJOVC Birds.
quarters of an hour."
Difficulty of deaHng with the matter
obvious. If the jailers of these gallant
fellows were Red Indians or Zulus they
might be made amenable
to dictates of common
humanity. But, as PRE-
MIER said, " maltreat-
ment of prisoners of war,
a form of cruelty com-
mon not even in the
Dark Ages, has been left,
as many other fiendish
devices in this great War
have been left, to one of
the Christian nations of
Europe to invent and
elaborate."
He repeated assurance
that note is made and
record carefully kept,
with view to meting
out at conclusion of the
War due punishment
PUNCH OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAY 12, 1915.
SOME OP SUSIE'S SISTERS SEWING SAND-BAGS.
to the men responsible for these bar-
barities.
Meanwhile the victims suffer solitary
confinement in narrow cells, eat their
scanty allowance of meagre food, take
their strictly limited daily exercise in the :
backyard, and are left without light or
heat when darkness, falls. This is avow-
edly done by way of avenging similar
ill-treatment alleged to be dealt out to
crews of German submarines. This
fable UNDEK SECRETARY FOR FOREIGN
AFFAIRS disposed of in a sentence.
" The only difference," he said, " in
the treatment of German prisoners
is that the officers and crews of the
submarines are put in a camp by them-
selves."
I??mrcm done. — Vote for Agriculture
and Fisheries agreed to.
Thursday. — PRIME MINISTER gave
graphic account of operations in the
Dardanelles. Extolled unsurpassed
courage and skill of troops engaged in
difficult operations of landing on open
beach in face of determined opposition.
House noted with satisfaction that
he avoided practice in similar circum-
stances prevalent elsewhere, suggestive
of the wary ostrich burying its head in
the sand, with its toes scratching on
surface and throwing up asterisks,
blanks and dashes cunningly devised
to mislead the enemy.
PREMIER detailed the divisions en-
gaged, and gave names of Commanding
Officers. As to locality he scorned
reference to " Somewhere in the Near
East," and specifically mentioned Gaba
Tepe, Sedd-ul-Bahr, and Kum Kale.
Effect of this novel departure will be
closely watched. If no harm comes of
it, it may be adopted elsewhere.
CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER pro-
posed to take Second Eeading of Bill
amending Defence of Realm Act. As it
| involves question of increased taxation
on Spirits Irish Members up in arms.
! Eventually arranged that House shall
meet specially on Monday, when CHAN-
CELLOR hopes to have come to under-
standing with the Trade.
Last Sunday the devotions of citizens
of Dover disturbed by appearance of
aeroplane approaching from the sea.
Visions of the fate of dwellers in the
j Eastern Counties appalled them. To
• their relief, after brief survey of the town
j aerial visitor made off in direction of
1 Folkestone, where similar excitement
temporarily prevailed. Again the air-
ship contented itself with harmlessly
fluttering "o'er the Downs" and passed
away into space.
Conjecture rife as to its identity
and purpose. That it belonged to the
enemy and was out for no good ware
matters upon which Dover and Folke-
stone were firmly agreed.
Privily stated in House to-night that
the airman was no other than COUSIN
HUGH. Well known he has of late,
with that concentration of purpose that
makes him a potent factor in politics,
taken to aviation. This happened to
be his Sunday out, and in the course
of his flight it is rumoured that he
chanced to pass over these Channel
ports, unaware of the consternation he
created.
Business done. — House adjourns till
Monday instead of Tuesday.
of Honour.
Mr. Punch hears with deep regret
that one of his artists of former days,
Mr. J. L. C. Booth, Lieutenant in the
12th Australian Infantry, has been
killed in action in the Dardanelles.
M\v
IM'NCII, Oil. TIIK LONDON CHARIVARI.
Fond Mother. "I'M AFKAID IT'S NO USE; HE'S SET HIS MIND ON HAVING ONE WITH 'JELLICOE' ON IT."
AT THE FRONT.
THERK is a delusion current that this
war out here is stationary when it does
not move. It is true that there was
once a rumour that certain lines of
trendies came to understandings with
certain other lines, by which blue and
red flags wen? waved before the occu-
pants en either side fired off rifles, or
col 1 11 nil led similar dangerous acts which
i iiii^ht otherwise have been interpreted
as unfriendly. In the meantime they
completed the tessellation of their pave-
ments and installed geysers and electric
light. Everyone has heard the rumour,
hut no one you meet, was actually there;
so (ho only conclusion wo can come to
is that lioili sides (lug and dug until
thoy got completely lost underground,
anil woro either incapable of return, or
BO happy, (-"in I'ortable and well found
thai, they slaved (here, thus ingeniously
leasing I he \\ar without leaving their
posts, which is, after all, the ultimate
ideal of troglodytic patriotism.
However that may have been, the
w;.r elsewhere is in a state of steady
evolution. You can never count on it.
You get into a beautiful quiet trench,
the sun shines and the birds sing, and
you plant primroses on the parapet , and
arrange garden parties, and write home I B company, though delighted at the
your friend to gift and the spirit in which it was
offered, had already four cameras in
possession of its officers. Moreover,
the time for B company to render its
and ask the sister of
come out and have tea in the trench on
Friday. And then on Friday, just as
you 're getting the tea-things out, and
sorting the tinned cucumber sand wiches,
and shifting the truffles out of the pate,
the wind blows from the north, and the
rain rains, and the birds shut up, and
an 8-inch shell comes crump on the
primrose bed, and stray splinters carry
and the provision
and on the whole
away the teapot
box and the cook
you 're not sorry Leonore couldn't come ;
certificate was at hand. And seeing
that there was much friendship sub-
sisting between B and C companies
the O.C. B company remembered that
the O.C. C company was a keen photo-
grapher, and one likely to welcome a
gift of seven cameras. Having de-
spatched them, he signed and certified
for B company. C company, whose
after all. j gratitude cannot easily be describee',
Not long ago it seemed good to the was nevertheless in an obvious predica-
tiat nuijcitr that no officer should be in
possession of the means of supplying
the pictorial daily with pictorial war.
Every company in every regiment duly
rendered a certificate that it was with-
out cameras. Now there was a certain
regiment much given to photographic
studies. And when the day came that
the certificate should be signed and
rendered, the commander of A company
bethought him of bis old-time friend-
ship with the commander of B com-
pany ; and in token of his sincere esteem
sent to him as a gift the three cameras
which his officers had no further use for.
This done, he forwarded his certificate.
ment. So, when C company certified, D
company was in possession of thirteen
cameras ; and finding that A company
had now no cameras at all rendered
unto it the very large stock with which
it was reluctantly obliged to part, and
unto the C.O. a certificate that D com-
pany was cameraless ; and
certified in accordance with
the C.O.
company
notifications.
That evening company commanders
dined together, and latest advices advise
that the wicked regiment still spends its
spare time in photographing approach-
ing shells, devastated churches and
Tommy at his ablutions.
37(i
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
rM.\\- 12,
AT THE PLAY.
'•THE Kiss CUKE."
freedom, the gentleman takes the view
that her virtue is damaged, and her
' value, for him, depreciated. An egoistic
THOSK who imagined that the Liver- view, of course, hut I don't blame him,
pool Commonwealth Company wero though the lady did. Miss MADOE
to reproduce for u* the grim and dour MC!NTOSH made her part seem almost
actualities of a Lancashire interior in | probable.
the manner of the late Mr. STANLEY
HOUGHTON and the Manchester School,
won- doomed to bo disappointed. Apart
from the Irish butler and the Scotch
cArlist, there is very little in The Kiss
('/in' that might not have been just as
well conveyed to us by any London play-
wright and company who had studied
the manners of pur Tooting minxes and
our Surbiton bloods. Still, since even
these types may have in them a touch
of novelty for certain sections of a
London audience, we had something
to learn. Thus we came to know that
there are minxes by habit and experi-
ence and minxes of
occasion ; and the same
with bloods. There are
those who practise indis-
1 criminate kissing as a
test of the emotions,
and employ the art of
jealousy as part of the
daily routine of what
they call flirtation ; while
others, not among the
j mystics, allow themselves
to be temporarily initi-
ated into these rules for
single and serious ends,
and make a sad mess of
it. All this may be very
suburban, but when the
actors' hearts, as here,
are in it, you can, with
THK HKJHT TO KILL."
M. le Marquis de Sevii/ne, aged 46,
officer of cavalry and military attache
to the French Embassy at Constanti-
nople, took no pains to disguise from
us that he wanted to be a Quixote.
He had no trouble with his nose (like
Cyrano de Beryerac), or other physical
impediment — indeed he looked very
well in his French-grey tunic and ver-
milion breeches — but he had had no
opportunity of distinguishing himself
either in love or war, and he was
frankly on the look-out for his chance.
BOSPHOEUS BEDROOM SCENE.
Mr. EDMUND MAURICE (husband) ; Miss IKENE VANBRUGH (u'ife) ;
Mr. HABCOUKT WILLIAMS (lover) ; Sir HERBERT TREE (lady's cliampion).
a little goodwill, be sufficiently amused.
And anyhow, after a course of stage
: problems and intrigues, the whole thing
j looks as innocent as the habit of ice-
cream and claret-cup.
The company played well together.
Miss WIXWOOD was a practised minx,
though her artfulness did not extend to
her gestures, which suffered from angu-
larity. Mr. ARMSTRONG, as a Scotch-
man with a stutter, who knew the rules
of the game, and Mr. COOPER, as a
learner, made good fun. But the best
sketch was by Mr. SHINE as the Irish
butler. He said little, but you could
see him thinking a lot. And I am
j glad to believe that his opinion of the
society in which he found himself was
much the same as mine.
I'liitliitf, a dialogue by the same
author, Mr. RONALD JEANS, preceded The
Km* Cure. It is slightly, but only very
slightly, loss innocent. The lady tests
her lover's devotion by alleging that
siie is not married to the man she lives
with. Instead of feeling a passionate
sb >ck of joy at this news of her legal
It was unfortunate that when it came
it offered him no better scope for dis-
tinction than could be got out of the
murder of a very disagreeable English-
man who was obviously better dead.
It meant of course that Serigni couldn't
get a medal for his feat, nor even find
any satisfaction in talking about it at
large.
On the other hand, it was fortunate
for him that the only person who had
proof of his guilt (the head of the
Turkish police) was under a personal
obligation to him, and so arranged to
hang somebody else who wanted hang-
ing anyhow. Fortunate, too, that the
present War broke out the very morning
after the murder, thus affording him
a lively distraction from the embarrass-
ment of his position, though I daresay
that an ordinary domestic murder
might well escape adverse comment
on the shores of the Bosphorus. My
only regret was that ho hadn't studied
the papers and seen that a war was
likely to occur ; for then he might
have reserved himself for an occasion
in which " the right to kill" was cer-
tain to be more generally recognised.
And if a scrap of paper was an essen-
tial feature of his quest, he might, by
waiting a few days, have killed a num-
ber of the enemy for the sake of a
document that was really worth while
—namely, the Belgian Treaty. As it
was, in his hurry to be a hero, he had
to stab a prospective Ally for the rela-
tively vulgar purpose of securing a
scrap of paper with nothing on it but
a confession of frailty signed by his
victim's wife. One knows these scraps
of paper. Stage husbands (as in
Searchlights) have a passion for them.
Here the wife is forced to sign under
menace of an open scandal. But how
the signing of it would serve to prevent
this inconvenience when the husband
was in any case determined on a divorce
no one knew, and no one ever will know.
The play is something
betterthan a sordid melo-
drama "of intrigue and
murder relieved by uni-
forms .and a cosmopoli-
tan setting. The scene
in the Pavilion is clearly
designed to afford a trial
of character. From his
concealment in Lady
Falkland's detached ap-
partement a coitchcr, the
Marqn is involuntarily
overhears a conversation
which proves her not
only to be unfaithful to
her husband (which
mattered little) but un-
worthy of his own devo-
tion (which mattered a
Yet the revelation leaves
good deal).
him unshaken in his resolve to defend
her at the risk of his life.
Apart from this situation and its
issues, the interest lay for us in the
continued strain that Liuii/ FtilUniiil
was. called upon to endure. Forced
by the brutality and infidelity of her
husband (flagrant) and by a sense of
friendlessness (imaginary) to seek pro-
tection in the wrong arms, her heart
was torn between passion for her lover
and an overwhelming sense of the
deepening shadow of tragedy. She
seeks relief in confession to a woman
friend; and in this scene the human-
ity of Miss IRENE VANBRUGH made
irresistible appeal. More than her
words, the play of her lips as she tried
to wear a brave face revealed the in-
sufferable anguish of her heart. I have
seen Miss YANHKUGH in many such
ordeals, but cannot remember a finer
delicacy in her revelation of woman-
hood.
Sir HERBERT TREE was the hero,
suffering a little from the distraction
M\v i-J, 1'Jl-j.l
ITNCFI, oil Till-; LONDON ril.MMV.MM.
377
ROYAL ACADEMY FIRST DEPRESSIONS.
MB. CLAUDE GKAHAMI -Wn
IN HIS ELEMENT — "SKIED."
THE " MERRY " MONARCH HELPS A CHARITY
WITH HIS TROUPE OP PEllFORMING ANIMALS.
OFF TO THE FRONT. — None THK KKW ARMY
PATTERN OF DOUBLE-HANDED SWOKD.
EVERY-DAY LIFE IN THE MYTHO-
LOGICAL AGE. A KYMI'H PAYS A
VISIT TO THE DENTIST.
A WARSHIP GETS OUT OF HAND IS GM.I.KKY T.
HOW TO DEAL WITH WILD ANIMALS: THE LYBE AS A LETHAL
INSTRUMENT.
NO. 359 COMES DOWN TO TAKE THE SAI.UTK OF No. SCO.
THE BLACK MAN OBLIGES
'/'//.• Dog : "HuRUY UP; YOU'VE NO BY BEARING THE WHITE PORTRAIT OF CONQUERING HERO, BHOWIKO WHAT THK PUEFS
TI>K\ WHAT A WEKiHT HE Is." MAN'S BURDEK. PHOTOGKAPHER HAD TO PUT UP WITH IM THR UIDIH.K Adi K.
378
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON 'CHARIVARI.
• MAY 12, 1915.
of actor-management on a first night
1 liked him best in his less strenuous
moments. His modern uniform suite*
him well, much better indeed thai
those martini trappings of antiquity ii
which he lias often figured. In his
mufti, which showed no hint of Gallic
fantasy, his moustache made him rela
lively commonplace, and 1 cannot helf
thinking that his murder of Falklam
would have been more effective if he
had done it in uniform. How h<
escaped general observation while en-
tering, and debouching from, the lady's
window in full view of the Bosphorus
which I understood to be packed, like
Henley, with interested spectators, 1
shall never understand.
As Mehnied Pasha, Mr. ARTHUR
BOURCHIEB, disguised in an aquiline
nose and a pair of eyelids which he
kept lowered, like blinds, for the pur-
pose of inscrutability, had a part that
he could hardly help playing to uni-
versal admiration. Mr. HARCOURT
WILLIAMS, as Prince Cernuwitz, a
chevalier d' Industrie of the first class,
might have contrived a more obvious
air of villainy, but the atmosphere of
diplomacy at the Sublime Porte would
naturally encourage secretiveness.
Mr. EDMUND MAURICE'S art was
wasted on the unrelieved and clumsy
brutality of Falkland. Miss GRAXVILLE
was excellent in the First Act, one of
those scenes — the usual dazzling recep-
tion— where you have to find out, from
momentary flashes of dialogue, who
everybody is and how they got there.
These scenes always make me dizzy,
but the intervention of Miss GRANVILLE,
as a nice woman of the world, gave me
courage and confidence.
The play, on its own merits, modest
but sound of their kind, goes well, and
should run; though its course might
have been lightened by a little more
humorous relief. Whether it does jus-
tice to the original novel on which it
is based is another matter. I do not
attempt to institute a comparison,
partly because the book is no business
of the critic's, but chiefly because I
haven't read it. 0. S.
From the cotton report of the Liver-
pool Courier : —
"As the situation shows but little change
from that experienced lately, we can only
repeat what we said last week— that buying
on conservative lines on week days will, no
doubt, prove remunerative."
Our contemporary's persistent dis-
couragement of Sunday trading does
it credit.
The Question of the Hour.
To doubtful Patriots : Potstill or
j Potsdam — which will you have ?
THE TRIPLE HANDICAP.
WHKN 1 was a kid of about thirteen
And rather slow for my years,
I knew a boy who in mind and mien
Outdistanced all of his peers ;
His clothes were tidy, his hair was sleek
For he brushed it morning and night
He was equally good at Latin and Greek
And his sums were always; right.
His industry made him the masters' pet,
1 I is neatness the matron's joy ;
He never did anything wrong, and yet
He wasn't a popular boy ;
For his name excited a vague mistrust
And his face our prejudice fanned,
And we all of us felt a deep disgust
Whenever we shook his hand.
His merits were mainly negative ;
Tradition he never defied ;
And he certainly wasn't wont to give
Offence by swagger or side ;
He made no claim to be bold or brave ;
He didn't hustle or shove ;
But he wasn't marked for an early
grave,
Like those whom the high gods love.
I saw him stand at my last Speech Day
Bowed down with many a prize,
And four full decades had rolled away
Ere next he fronted my eyes ;
Twas down at Shrimpington-on-Sea,
Where I was taking the air,
With my daughter upon my arm, and he
Was wheeling an old Bath chair.
How came it that one so well endowed
For taking the ball at the hop
Should sink in the depths of the strug-
gling crowd
Instead of reaching the top ')
Well, all through life he had fought
with odds,
For his name was Adolphus Jopp,
He had an eye like a parboiled cod's,
And a hand like a cold pork chop.
" Save us from our friends."
"Four large transports of Germans have
been sent as reinforcements to the Dardanelles.
" A big panic reigns in Constantinople."
Correspondent of " The Star."
"The Austrian Post Office has put into
irculation a new series of stamps, on which
ire engraved the victories which Austria has
obtained in the present war." — Central Neivs.
Austria must, indeed, be chastened
when she admits that all her victories
:ould be written on the surface of a
postage stamp. The back, of course, is
•eserved for the lickings.
" LAST MOMENTS OP THE
' KABLSRUHE.'
SHE STRIKES A BEEP AND is BLOWN Ur."
Calcutta Empire.
Bully Beefl
IF IT GOES ON MUCH LONGER.
IF it (there is only one meaning to
" it " just now — the War) goes on much
longer, and England, already giddy with
the CHANCELLOR'S figures, is made
bankrupt — a contingency which our
courage declines to contemplate —
American millionaires will have the
chance of acquiring the Old Country.
Some such advertisements as these may
then be expected : —
To SPORTSMEN. GREAT BARGAIN.
Suitable for rich American or Argen- •
tine gentleman thinking of taking up
racing in England, the only industry I
that still flourishes there, unharmed by 5
the War— Hyde Park. This famous
open space, or lung of London, as it has I
been epigram matically styled, would
make admirable training ground for
thoroughbreds, and might even be laid j
out by an enterprising speculator as a
racecourse, thus bringing the noble
sport nearer still to the Metropolis am!
preventing any confusion between race- t
trains and the trains conveying pas- j'
sengers intent upon their work. No
reasonable offer refused.
FOR EIVER LOVERS.
Banks of Thames. Historic building
known as the Tower of London. Ee-
plete with every romantic requirement :
Traitors' gate, headsman's block, moat;
unparalleled view of shipping ; close to
Tower Bridge ; constant 'buses.
To COLLECTORS.
Messrs. Minstrel have instructions
to sell, for the benefit of the English
nation, the contents of the building in
Bloomsbury known as the British
Museum. The sale will begin each
morning at 10 o'clock, and go on for
a year. Every taste catered for. The
collection ranges from Elgin marbles
to umbrellas left by students. Send
notor lorry for catalogue. Offers i
nvited for building. Suitable as London ;
offices of American Trust.
ABBEY FOR SALE !
Situate at Westminster, within easy
distance of the theatres, river, Houses
of Parliament and Victoria Station, old-
world Abbey replete with ancient asso-
ciations. Twin towers ; unique historic
3ust ; stained glass ; cloisters ; old-
world atmosphere. The very thing for
\merican multi-millionaires. Could be
ised as a cute joy-house during life and
mvate mausoleum after death. What
offers ?
How we get our War-news.
" VICTORY IN GALLIPOLI.
LATE WIRE FROM CHESTER."
The Star.
MAY 12, l!>l.r,.]
PUNCH, OR THK LONDON CHARIVARI.
379
THE BUDGET AT THE FRONT.
First Tommy (rending belated news). " LOOKS AS IF THEM POOR BEGGARS AT 'OMB MAY HAVE TO PAY six BOB A BOTTLE FOR WHISKY.
Ditto. "WELL, THANK HEAVEN, WE'RE SAFE OUT HERE."
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)
EXCEPT that a distinguished author is entitled to have his
joke like everybody else we do not quite see why Mr. H. G.
WKLLS should have disclaimed the authorship of Boon, the
Mi nil of the Race, etc., etc. (UNWIN), in the "ambiguous
introduction " he has prefixed to that work. Boon was a
popular novelist, with a great vogue among American
readers — Aunt Columbia he calls them collectively — and a
profound contempt for the work that brought him in the
dollars. The things he really wanted to write were skits
upon his contemporaries, new systems of philosophy, and
so forth ; and here we have them in his literary remains, as
prepared for publication by his friend " REGINALD BLISS," a
writer with whoso previous work we are regrettably un-
familiar. The whole is set forth with the assistance of i
subsidiary characters who act as a foil to Boon in the i
manner of I''rieinlxhip'n litirlanit and .The New Republic. |
The brightness of MATTHEW ARNOLD'S famous jeu il'exprit
will hardly bo dimmed by the new competitor, nor has
Mr. MAI, LOCK much to fear from it, but the chaff of Boon's
fellow-craftsmen is sometimes excellent. Occasionally it is
embellished with thumb-nail sketches, the best of them
being the caricature of Dr. T<»itli>ison Keyhole, the eminent
critic who when he suspects a scandal " professes a thirsty
desire to draw a veil over it as conspicuously as possible."
If Mr. \\'i..i,i,s should lind himself in trouble over these
indiscretions and plead ignorance, he must expect to be
told that ignorance is BLISS, and BLISS is -.
All the pleasant things that I have said in the past about
the work of Mr. HENRY SYDNOB HABBISON I should like
now to repeat and underline after reading Angela's Business
(CONSTABLE), which seems to me quite one of the best
samples of fiction that lias come to us over the Atlantic for
a long time. Perhaps it may not enjoy the widespread
popularity of the same author's Queed ; but there is no
question of it as a book to be read. I wrill not tell you the
story ; though even if I did it wouldn't greatly matter.
Briefly speaking, "Angela's Business" was to meet the
demand there always is in the world for nice, normal, not
too intellectual girls ; more briefly still, it was to marry
the first eligible man to whom these qualifications appealed
with success. Angela was a home-maker. In the book we
see her and her lifework through the eyes of a young man,
Charles (larrott ; and the argument of it is a contrast —
one might almost say a competition, though unacknow-
ledged and unconscious — between Ani/i'lti's methods and
those of another woman, Mary, the independent, wage-
earning career-maker. Incidentally, a story of American
town-life in which none of the characters is beyond the
need of financial economy has a novel and refreshing effect.
But there is any quantity of refreshment and novelty in
the style also. Mr. HABBISON has a quality in his writing
that I can best catch by the epithet "sensitive." While
preserving his own impartial, slightly aloof attitude towards
his characters, he is quick to respond to every shade of
change in their relations witli each other. There is, too,
a very lively and engaging wit about him. He writes
American undisguised, and you may even be astonished, in
your insular way, to find what a capable and vigorous
medium he can make of that quaint language. Altogether
Angela's Business must certainly be everyone else's also.
ITNC1I, Oil TIIK LONDON CIIA1M VAIU.
_tO8USpecl Miss MMUOKIK Ho WEN of possessing a The late TOM GALLON contrived to make his own wide
privatJ'time-marhine, she doth so range about the centurion circle of reader; who will appreciate this posthumous
Only the other day she was conducting me through Medicean romance, Tin- Princess of Happu Chance. (HUTCHINSON).
Florence, and now here she is in tho New World of the 'It tells of Felicia of Syteaniaburg who fled from her
eighteenth century, and as much tit home as if she had betrothed prince, Jacelyn, whom she chose to dislike on
never \\ritten about any other place and period. Indeed, principle .because lie had been arranged for her. She fled
for many reasons I i'neline to think Mr. \l'iin1iiiii/ti>n to England, and at midnight met a young English girl of
(Mr.TlirEN) is the best historical romance she has yet given ' her own age, Litcidoni, who was a beauty and a day-
i!-. For one thing, of course, if ever there was a hero dreamer. So that when Princess Felicia, with delightful
ready-made, it is the young Virginian planter who created impulsiveness, proposed that poor Lucidam should take her
a nation. 1 am quite 'sure Fhat Miss BOWEN felt this. She royal placa with car, chauffeur and maid, she welcomed
has a palpable tenderness for her central figure, the grace ! the adventure as an opening into the realms of high
and courage and high purpose of him, which greatly helps romance. Also an impecunious, handsome and rather nice
the appeal of the story. Partly this is a tale of WASHING- gentleman — a journalist — foisted himself upon her as a
TON himself, first as the young
soldier fighting the French in
Canada, and later as the victorious
founder of the American Com-
monwealth. Partly, also, it con-
cerns the fortunes of ARNOLD, the
friend who betrayed WASHINGTON,
and of his English wife. Miss
BOWEN has certainly written
nothing more moving and dra-
matic than the scene in which '
3[<in/aret Arnold, loathing her!
husband for the treachery she
has just discovered, holds WASH-
IN OTON at bay in order to give
the traitor time to escape. There '
is a real thrill in this. Through-
out, also, you will find abundant
evidence of that sense of colour
which is of the essence of the
costume story. She writes in
pictures, and excellent pictures
too. I can heartily recommend
this gallant tale.
Samuel Henry Jeyes; His Per-
sonality anil Work (DUCKWORTH),
is a book that will have two
appeals, the special and the
general — of which perhaps the
former will be the greater. Cer-
tainly, the rather wide circle of
those who numbered the late Mr.
JF.YKS amongst their friends will
be glad to welcome this record of al ..iKIl?
singularly charming man ; while there must be many others,
to whom his identity as an anonymous journalist was un-
known, who will here recognize work in which they had
taken pleasure while ignorant of its authorship. Both Mr.
SIDNEY Low, who contributes a sympathetic memoir of his
friend, and Mr. W. P. HER, who has arranged and edited the
selections from his fugitive writings, have done their task
ably. The papers themselves were well worth collection into
this more permanent form. Chief among them is the series
grouped under the heading " Rulers of England " open letters
to prominent political personages over the signature " lY-iar
John." These show Mr. JE YES at his best; trenchant, entirely
fearless, more than a little Thackerayan in style. The
Memoir furnishes an interesting opportunity of tracing the
beginnings of this method in a fragment of an essay on
Sisters," written for an Uppingham journal when theauthor
was eighteen — a somewhat remarkable production. These
I'Yiar John " letters, it should be added, are illustrated with
drawings of the addressees by Mr. HARUY FUUNISS, which
recall many pleasant memories.
Court Chamberlain, and the little
court travelled about and behaved
in the most nai've way possible,
and sent the most charmingly and
indiscreetly explicit telegrams,
until Lucidom. fell badly in love
with the Chamberlain, and Jdcelijn
discovered she was a fraud, and
explained how much he was really
in love with Felicia, and every-
thing ended happily. This is not
a romance in the inspired manner
of II. L. S.'s Prince- Otto, or the
fashion of robustious Biiritaniit,
\ but just a gentle, easy-flowing,
.; quite wholesome, unpretentious
and strictly unlikely narrative to
while away the time.
Scene : The outskirts of a Sussex Covert. »
Tlunnas (who lias bagged a sitting pJieasant — as officer
suddenly appears). "So YOU 'D TRY TO BITE MB, WOULD
In these days of complex
novelists I find Baroness OIUV.Y
very ingenuous and refreshing.
She is indeed so anxious to im-
press me at the outset with
certain facts about the Hungarian
peasants that she repeats them
again and again, and this — if a
little uncomplimentary to my in-
telligence— does at any rate clear
the way -for the tale 's"he has to
tell in A' Bride of the Plains
(HUTCHINSON). What, however,
I do resent is that she should
address me as "stranger," for the
truth of the matter is that she is
the friendliest and most confiding of writers, and to' be
called a stranger when one feels, as I did, like a member
of a family party, is nothing less than shattering. As to
the literary merits of this story of love, murder, wine and
dancing, I prefer to be silent, and shall hold my tongue
with the greater content because I doubt if admirers of
the beautiful Elsa will greatly trouble about the style in
which her tale is told. Sufficient it is that the Baroness
knows these Hungarians of whom she writes, that her
villain is as pretty a scoundrel as I have met for many a
day, and that, although the present -is not a propitious
time for visiting Hungary, she has induced in me a warm
desire to go there eventually and see just how they dance
the csdrdtix.
"Usually the annual effort is a sale of wort and a concert, but in
this r.isr si) as not to put too great a strain upon supporters, aeon-
cert and a sale of work have been arranged." — Kxeler Express <t Kclw.
We ourselves always adopt this order as being far less
exhausting. .
MAY 19, 191 5. j
PUNCH, OR TIIK LONDON CHARIVARI.
831
CHARIVARIA.
" THOSK who would saddle the
Kaiser with the responsibility for the
War," says a (ionium paper, "forget
that lie kept the peace of Europe for
twenty-six years." No, they don't.
They fully appreciate the fact that ho
took all that time to get ready to fight.
*
Says the Deuttefu Tayeszeitung : —
" People of Germany, prepare to face
one enemy the more. From the caves
of the Abruzzi, from the
marshes of Sicily and Sar-
dinia, from the forests of
Calabria, from the courts and
alleys of Chidi and Margelina,
an army of vagabonds, con-
victs, ruffians and mandolin-
phiyers is about to march
against you." Astonishing
how "they have deteriorated
since they were active mem-
bers of the Triple Alliance.
Meanwhile it certainly
looks as if Germany's Pro-
fessors of Hate are in for an
unusually strenuous time,
and we shall not be surprised
if some of them break down
from over-work.
•:• ••.••
Serious-minded Germans,
by the way, are furious with
us for not even hesitating
to make fun of such a holy
feeling as Hate.
A Turkish gentleman, re-
siding in the vicinity of Iho
Dardanelles, who has been
suffering from a series of bad
headaches lately, writes to
ask how it is that the British
Navy came to be known as
" The Silent Service."
would not allow the local Volunteer
corps to drill on the recreation ground.
It now appears that such drilling, if
permitted, would spoil the cricket and
football pitches.
Mr. THKODOKK II. PHICK, of New
York, the editor of Commerce and /•'/-
mi in;-, declares that prosperity and not
poverty will ho the aftermath of the
great war. For all that, it seems a
regrettable method of ensuring a trade
boom.
the subject of scanty dross has evoked
a good deal of indignant c xnment
among the members of the profession,
who declare that they were merely
endeavouring to economise, and it is
considered that the cause of national
thrift has received a distinct set-back.
*
Meanwhile in these days when wo all
have to bo economical we are not sur-
prised to see that in many of the new
dresses now being worn there is no
waist at all.
The average Briton is slow ; ,
to anger, but there are signs
that he is at last being roused.
example, last week, according to The
Mail, a resident of Southerid whose
lawn had been injured by a bomb was
overheard to say, " I solemnly swear
1 11 never play tennis with a German
Tommy (home on leave, to ex-soldier who is giving his theories).
GARN! YER TALKING THROUGH YER CHAPEAU."
" Cato, the Greek, on observing
that Ktatucx wore being set up in
honour of many remarked — ' I
would rather people would ask,
why is there not a statue to Cato,
than why there is.'"
Glasgow Neil's.
We well remember that a
Roman gentleman of the
same name enunciated a
similar sentiment.
"The action of the people in
attacking Germans, though quite
explicable, was unreasoning, and
if the Government policy was to
be adopted, he hoped they would
not intern one single person whom
they did not believe they could
safely leave alone. ' ' — ' ' The Times' '
Parliamentary Report.
If the orator's rgmarks have
been correctly reported, his
attitude does not appear to
differ much from that of the
" unreasoning " public.
We were frankly surprised to learn
how many German butchers there were
in London. Evidently the typical
German is born that way.
# '•','
#
One really cannot be too careful not
to pass hasty judgment on the conduct
of any individual or body. For example,
the Southgate Urban District Council
was criticised adversely because it
" In these hard times," says the
Tagliche Rundschau, " we must turn
our hearts to steel, so that we may
forget that we have any feeling."
TOMMY ATKINS would like it known
that, if they are ready to turn their
hearts to it, he is always ready to
supply the steel. * #
It is thought that the exaggerated
ideas of the extent of inebriety in our
midst are due in part to the fashion
prevalent among women to-day of wear-
ing their hats at all sorts of absurd
angles. ... ^
The LORD CHAMBERLAIN'S warning to
the theatrical and music-hall world on
Testimonial to a gout
specific : —
"I am grateful for your good
remedy as I am keeping well since
I left it off and am able to walk
freely."
" I believe I am right in saying
that the first Ottoman Turk since
the last Crusade received an Anglo-
Saxon bayonet in him at 5 minutes
after 5 a.m. on April 25."
Special Correspondent.
We do not quarrel with the
writer's smart timing of this
event, but as the last Crusade ended in
1272 and the bayonet was not invented
till circa 1650 the above statement is
not so dashing as it seems.
"The din and roar of sound, which can
best bo .described as that of 10,000 different
noises blended into one confusion, are almost
a grandiose but, at the same time, appalling
spectacle." — Daily Telegraph.
Thanks to the writer's keen eye for
noises one hears the spectacle distinctly.
"THE 3ASTERN FRONT."
Sunday Times.
We compliment the leading unit of
the " Eastern " Front on facing West
so resolutely.
VOL. CXLVIII.
TO BELGIUM IN EXILE.
Lines dedicated t,> one of her prittfe, l<>/ u'hosc words
thctj were prompted.
LAND of the desolate, Mother of tears,
\\Voping your beauty marred and torn,
Your children tossed upon the spears,
Your altars rent, your hearths forlorn,
\Vhere Spring has no renewing spell,
And Love no language save a long Farewell
Ah, precious tears, and each a pearl,
Whose price — for so in God we trust
\Yho saw them fall in that blind swirl
Of ravening flame and reeking dust —
The spoiler with his life shall pay,
When Justice at the last demands her Day.
0 tried and proved, whose record stands
Lettered in blood too deep to fade,
Take courage! Never in our hands
Shall the avenging sword be stayed
Till you are healed of- all your pain,
And come with Honour to your own again.
O. S.
UNUSUAL BUSINESS IN THE COPSE.
g1R> It would appear that some irregular occurrence is
disturbing the ordinary course of events, destroying habits
and annihilating old associations. But we get so little
news of the outside world in 'our rural retreat that I have
not yet learnt what is taking place.
For as many years as I can remember, on my return to
take up my residence in Littledown Copse each April, I
have found a pleasant-looking gentleman awaiting me
among the dead leaves in an attitude of expectancy, with
his hand to his ear. No matter how early in the month I
have come, or whether the day has been wet or fine, this
amiable and homely individual has been there, and at my
first call of greeting he has rubbed his hands together with
glee, looked at his watch and made notes in his pocket-
book. I understand that it has been his further custom
to confide to his friends, through the columns of the
principal London newspapers, that I have returned to my
Spring residence, dignifying what is after all a simple event
in a manner most gratifying to myself.
This year, to my great disappointment, my friend was
not awaiting me at Littledown Copse, and in reply to my
calls there was not so much as a rustle of the leaves. I
looked for him in vain until May 1st, when he arrived in
the company of another. His companion was an ordinary
person who had little of the appearance of a nature-lover,
and my friend himself had altered ; his beard was trimmed,
and he looked almost muscular. Both were attired strangely
in grey-green clothing, with a band of bright red on the
left arm stamped with the initials " G. E." which, with its
colour, gave it the appearance of a letter box. I was glad
to see my old friend, and gave a cry of welcome.
" Hark ! the cuckoo ! " said his companion.
"Keep down, you fool," said my old friend crossly;
" that 's no cuckoo. I bet you a shilling it 's one of their
scouts giving warning that we 've been heard among
these confounded rustling leaves."
As they fell on their faces behind some bushes I saw
to my alarm that each of them was armed with a rifle.
I deemed it advisable therefore to hold my peace. But I
cannot shake off the conviction that there are strange
influences at work. Your obedient HARBINGER.
DIFFICILIS DESCENSUS.
•i:^,.:.—A London suburb in the quiet of earl;/ morning.
After a very foggy night a disabled Zeppelin drops down
into the middle of a deserted side-street. The Commander
and crew alight and hoist white flag.
Commander (to crew). Fellow-heroes and victims of harsh
circumstance, there is nothing left us but to surrender to
brutal and superior force.
[A milk-boy, on his early round, comes up and looks on with
interest. ] .
Commander. Boy, we are Germans ; our brave ; Inp is
wrecked; wo are cold and hungry and wish to surrender.
Roy (grinning). Garn ! Who'r' yer gittin' at ?
[Local Policeman, on beat-duty y appears on scene]
Policeman. Now then, move along there.
Commander. Unhappily, Herr Policeman, so to do we
are not able ; our brave craft is destroyed ; we are Germans ;
we are cold and hungry, and wish to surrender.
Policeman (doubtfully). How am I to know you're
Germans ? You '11 have to prove it. We 've heard these
yarns before.
Commander. Herr Gott ! How can we prove it ? Look
at t*he mark of our craft — " Z 199."
Policeman. Oh, those motor-car numbers are easily faked.
Commander. Donnerwetter ! How can I make you
understand that we are Germans, Germans with bombs?
We want to surrender. We are cold and hungry and
thirsty.
Policeman. I ain't a relieving-officer, and, anyhow, you re
not allowed to beg in this neighbourhood. You 'd better
move on.
Commander (in despair). Where are the barracks ? W here
is the office of the military staff? Where is the bureau of
the high-aircraft-over-commandant ?
Policeman. There ain't no such things hereabouts.
Commander. Himmel! what a country! In Germany
there is no difficulty about being arrested.
Policeman. But what am I to arrest you for ? There 's
no one to give you in charge. I can't arrest you unless
you 're charged. You 'd better go and see the Sergeant at
the police-station—second to right, third to left and straight
on.
[Commander and crew prepare to depart, leaving wreck, of
Zeppelin in road]
Policeman. Hi! you can't leave that thing here; you
must move it or you '11 be run in for obstructing traffic in a
public street.
Commander (joyfully). Then, thank God, that is what
we will do. We gladly refuse to remove it. We will
obstruct the traffic. Noii) you mnst arrest us.
Policeman. That 's all right ! You come along with me
to the station. Why didn't you say what yer little game
was before?
[Exeunt all, well pleased with themselves]
Ragtime on the Church. Organ.
"The party made their way to the vestry for the remaining
formalities, to the accompaniment of the strains of Mendelssohn's
Wedding March from the organ, intersected by the Military Overture
in C by the same master." — Stoke Newimjton Recorder.
" ASSISTANT-MISTRESS required immediately for duration of the
war, for Singing, Drill and general Form work. Salary £100, risi
by annual increments of £10 to a maximum of HUG."— Advertisement
in "The Spectator."
Applicants for this post should be warned that the
prospect of reaching the maximum is decidedly precarious.
PUNCH. OR THK LONDON CHARIVARI.— MAY 19, 1915.
HAMLET U.S.A.
Scene : THE RAMPARTS OP THE WHITE HOUSB.
PRESIDENT WILSON. '"THE TIME IS OUT OF JOINT: O CURSED SPITE,
THAT EVER I WAS BORN TO SET IT RIGHT T"
VOICE OF Cot,. ROOSEVET.T (off). "THAT'S SO!"
MAY 19,
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
385
CRICKET AIDS JUSTICE.
Cross-examining Counsel. "Now, MY LAD, BE VERY CAREFUL. Yoo HAVE STATED THAT YOO SAW THE HAY-RICK ON FIRE, AND
THAT, FIVE MINUTES AFTERWARDS, YOU SAW 'BEEFY' SABNDERS HIDING HIS BICYCLE ALONG THE PETEHSFIELD BOAD. NOW, THERE
Alii; TWO BROTHERS SAUNDERS, HARRY AND ALFRED, AGED 17 AND 16 RESPECTIVELY. WHEN YOO SAY 'BEEFY SAUNDEH8, ' WHICH
OF THE BROTHERS SAUNDERS DO YOU MEAN?"
Witness. " '!M wiv A GHASTLY BREAK FROM THE ORF."
THE WATCH DOGS.
XVIII.
MY BEAR CHARLES, — It is now 2 A.M.,
an hour which I hope never to meet
again when this business is ended ; the
rifles have quieted down, and both
sides have abandoned, temporarily, the
bellicose for the comatose attitude.
I have just been leaning over the
parapet contemplating in the moonlight
that turnip field which separates us
from our learned friends opposite, and
is, in solid fact, an integral part of that
thick black line of your newspaper
maps, always so important-looking but
so " approximate only." If turnip fields
were capable of emotion this one would
be filled with pride at the moment.
For generations it has been unnoticed
and insignificant ; its own tenant farmer
niiiy have been aware of its existence,
but no one else probably knew or
cared anything about it. And now
there are some thousands of us whose
whole attention, anxiety, enthusiasms,
liopcs and fears are concentrated on
nothing else. It is sacred ground,
on no account to bo trodden on and
hardly to be looked at by day, and oven
in the dead of night only to be crept
over with tho utmost diffidence and
respect. We have sat on our respective
edges of it for weeks, never taking our
periscopes off it and reporting, as a
matter of suspicion, the growth of
every plant in it ; and at the broken
down old cart which stands in the
middle of it we have shot a hundred
times (and so, no doubt, have they) as at
a bold but crafty assailant. Yesterday
afternoon the field resumed, for a
minute, some of its natural use. It
was the after-lunch siesta ; things were
as peaceful as things can be in war;
the sun shone and no sounds were
heard except the casting of tinned-meat
tins over the parapet — a form of untidi-
ness, Charles, which Headquarter Staffs
may rail against but are unable to check
personally. Suddenly the air was rent
j by the splutter of "three rounds rapid"
from the English trench on our left.
From my dug-out I heard, with grave
anxiety, the firing being taken up by
our own company ; I was out and at
the parapet just in time to see the
solitary hare fall to the rifles of the
company on our right. . . . The man
who has just slipped over into the
forbidden area and recovered the corpse,
is, I take it, some retriever.
Our predominant feeling is one of
intense curiosity as to what exactly
is happening behind those black-and-
white sandbags over the way. Are the
Germans at this moment paraded there,
being harangued by their officers before
the attack, or are ninety per cent, of
them asleep and the other ten per cent,
unmistakably yawning? Does the
spiral of blue smoke ascending to heaven
indicate a deadly gas manufacture or
the warming up of a meat and veget-
able ration ? Are there ten thousand
Germans there or ten ? Are there,
we ask ourselves testily after the long
periods of inactivity which sometimes
occur, are there any Germans there at
all ? One of my men writes naively
to his sweetheart : " There 's millions
of Germans here but they 's all behind
bags." On the other hand, Lieut.
Tolley, whose dashing spirits demand
an attack, contends that the whole line
opposing us has been deserted by the
soldiery and is now held by a caretaker
and his wife, the caretaker doing the
occasional shooting, while his wife
sends up the flare lights.
I write spasmodically between my
rounds ; I have just been questioning
a sentry as to the formalities of his job.
For instance, it is of the first importance
that he should say, on the approach of
the Brigadier, " No. 1 Post. All
386
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAY 19, 1915.
correct." Even so, he will no doubt get
into trouble for something or other, but
that remark, genially uttered, will help.
I usk my sentry what ho has to do.
Look out," he answers. "But suppose
anybody comes ?
out," he s;ns
I continue. " Look
But," I press him,
if the Brigadier himself comes in to
your bay and stands by you without
saying anything, what will you do
then ? "
feeling.
'Look out," he repeated with
J
I take him next on a matter of less
urgency. " Suppose you see the enemy
advancing from his trenches in great
numbers, what will you do ? " " Shoot,"
says he. I explain that two
hundred rifles are perhaps
more useful than one and ask
him how he will give the
alarm. The correct call is
" Stand to arms ! " His, how-
ever, was nearly as good. " I
should shout, 'They'm coom-
in' ! ' " said he.
They are now starting this
artillery business at night,
which is really rather tiresome
of them. You may imagine
how, in an artillery duel, one
lot of guns, not knowing where
the other lot is, gets tired of
looking. But there is always
the day's ration of shells to be
got through. I have no doubt
it is the same with the
Germans as with ourselves ;
what with certificates, reports
and returns, it is much less
tiring to shoot away all the
darned stuff than to keep any
by you unexpended. And so
the gunners look, after a while,
for their customary target, its
whereabouts fixed and known.
Churches, houses, windmills
and the like are everywhere
limited, and here they have
UNDESIRABLE POSES.
[Several of our photographic newspapers
name and he bursts into the mess hut
like a whirlwind, dropping knives and
forks tripping over chairs, sweeping [Several ot our pnotograpnic newspapers
JFKS, uupp , , • 1 • recently had a picture of the CHANCELLOR OP
crockery oft the table, m Ins uncon- j THF ExCHEQUEB resting on the heather at
trolled enthusiasm. To enable himself j Walton Heath after a round of golf. A medi-
to get through more work he leaves • cal correspondent wrote to The Daily Mail
the table with just twice what any "-S««M«« »« n»««i«*«R'« «u*™«.
man could carry, and drops it all before
he gets to the door. This dropping has
become a fixed habit with
drops everything, however
light, fragile or valuable, but through
accidents and abuse he maintains his
cheery deportment of impulse and
impetus.
A week ago we were all of us sitting
him ; he
heavy or
SUGGESTIVE BACK VIEW GIVES SHORT-SIGHTED SPECIAL
THE THRILL OP HIS LIFE (BUT IT WAS MERELY A. CHAUFFEUB
PREPARING TO ENJOY AN EXTRA FINE BANANA).
all
there
been
is one
used up long ago; but
target always there, always vulnerable
to rebuild itself when
nd always ready tc
it. Yes, Charles,
and
hit
from the German
gunners' point of view that target is
Us, and so over come the shells with a
slittering, genial whistle, as if to say,
" Do just come out of your hole and
watch the burst." We have lost fifteen
new-laid eggs, a dozen mineral water
and a farmhouse clock in yesterday's
encounter ; and, after it was all over,
no doubt those infernal gunners of ours,
who had started the row, retired to
their dug-outs away back behind the
line, and had an omelette lunch.
The topic reminds me of our indus-
trious but incompetent mess waiter,
Private Blackwell. If ever a man in
this world meant well but missed it he
does. You have only to whisper his
round the mess table at midnight,
having just returned from a period in
the trenches — a moment when we
suffer a little from the want of sleep and
the reaction after the nervous tension.
Suddenly the door flung wildly open,
and in burst the ecstatic Blackwell,
carrying (" Heaven defend us ! " shouted
the Adjutant) an enormous shell. "But,
of course," we reassured each other, " it
is only the empty case." " No, Sir,"
declared the bearer, hustling over all
obstacles to the C.O. at the far end of
the room, " it fell by Trench Head-
quarters just before we left, and hasn't
burst yet." Never in my life shall I
forget the sensation caused by that
" yet " !
For the rest, " Cheer-oh ! " (as one of
my platoon writes), " we '11 learn them
German chaps to keep on their own
doorstep."
Yours, HKNRY.
criticising the CHANCELLOR'S rashness. " He
was risking an attack of lumbago, rheumatism,
loss of voice, or even some much more serious
consequence of sudden chilling of the heated
body. To lie on the grass at this time of year
in the case of a man over forty is a very risky
proceeding."]
WE feel that it is time that expert
criticism was directed towards other
pictures in our illustrated newspapers,
and we print one or two comments we
have received in reply to in-
structions issued to our own
corps of specialists.
" The photograph of that
charming actress, Miss Cissie
Cinnamon, in The Daily Blotch,
exhibits a recklessness which
in after years this lady is
likely to deplore. The highest
dental authorities agree that,
while it is necessary that the
teeth should be exposed occa-
sionally to prevent them from
turning yellow, the chemically
tainted atmosphere of a photo-
grapher's studio is most harm-
ful to both ivory and porce-
lain."
" No wonder the recent
poems of Mr. Alvasour Anna-
lane have shown a falling off.
The reason is to be seen in a
portrait of this gentleman
which is printed in The Daily
Snatch. He is posed with his
hand against his face, his
forefinger pressing against his
temple. Pressure in this place
cannot fail to interfere with
the proper operation of an
important artery whose duty
it is to feed the brain, and its obstruc-
tion must result in an impoverishment
of thought."
"The full-length portrait of the
popular young composer of ' We '11 make
the KAISER sit up in the morning ! '
which appears in The Morning View,
reveals that this young man is not
aware of the rudiments of a correct
military posture (for we assume from
his work that he has the military in-
stinct). The heels should be together
and in line, the feet turned out at an
angle of about forty-five degrees ; the
knees should be straight ; the body
should be erect, the arms hanging easily
from the shoulders with the thumbs
immediately behind the seams of the
trousers, the hands being partially
closed. The head should be steady,
the eyes looking their own height and
straight to the front."
MAY 19, 191/3.]
PUNCH, Oil TIIK LONDON' CIlAlilVAlU.
337
AFTER THE COLLISION.
Carter (having indulged in terrific language which lias been listened to with benevolent toleration by policeman). " JUDGING BY THE WAT
YOU BK'AVB, I SHOULD TAKE YOU FOB A GERMAN ! "
Policeman. "Now THEN— NOW THEN! WE CAN'T 'AVE NO BAD LANGUAGE 'ERE!"
MORE TEA-TIME GOSSIP.
(With apologies to the " Star.")
SINCE it is notorious that no one at
tea-time ever talks of anything but the
stage — what plays and revues are on
and what plays and revues are coming
on — it follows that the conversation
over this meal is always alluring and
bright and worth reporting. For what
is more important to England, espe-
cially at this time, than the stage —
legitimate or variety— unless possibly
it is racing.
* * * # *
When I met Mr. Gully Buttran
yesterday he was full of his plans for
beating the Umpire and the Hoppo-
drome and the Palaceum at their own
game. The public, he said, cannot
have too many revues ; and his project
was to have three every night — one at
eight, one at nine and one at ten. The
tirsl was to be called Who said Eats ?
The second, Wait till the Train stops ;
and the third, This Way Out. The
costumes, he said, were to be most
carefully arranged to come just within
the safety revue limit laid down by the
Lord Chamberlain's Office. " But how
do you know what that is ? " I asked.
"We test it," he replied. "The LORD
CHAMBEBLAIX always threatens three or
four times before he strikes, and that
gives us our chance."
* if * * *
Passing on to the next theatrical
magnate, Mr. Batten Wing, I found
that he, too, was meditating a revue.
Between his cups of souchong he told
me that it seemed to him that what
the country most needed at the present
moment was a strong lead from the
male choruses. " The oftener," he said,
" that recruiting songs can be sung by
active and vigorous young men on the
stage the better must the results be."
But when I asked him to specify the
results he begged to be excused. " The
| stage," he added, " has a sacred duty
to perform, and it is rising to the
occasion. Nothing could be finer than
our male chorus singing in unison that
splendid song, You 're wanted at the
Front."
•:• •:: •:• * *
" Yes," said Miss Eip Topping, " it
is true that I have just signed a con-
! tract for £500 a week to dance my
famous negligee dance in London.
! I have refused many offers in my
| time, but when it was made quite clear
| to me by my manager that men home
I from the Front, either wounded or on
leave, wanted to see me, I gave way at
once, although my price is really five
hundred guineas. I think that there
is no sacrifice too great to be made
by artists, to give pleasure to these
brave fellows." And I agree with her.
Brave little lady, I wish you all luck I
" THE FEEBLE-MINDED.
OFFICIAL PROPOSES TO REDUCE Ila
OWN SALARY."
Wolverhampton Evening Newt.
A hopeless case, we fear.
In view of the amount of barbed wire
that our troops have to negociate, our
Boy Scout suggests that it would be
advisable to reinforce our troops by
an army of " little nippers."
Another Infant in Arms. *
" \VILLIAMS.-In this city, on April the
14th, to the wife of Sapper W. Williams, a
daughter, now serving in the trenches in
France." — Montreal Star.
Tact.
Extract from letter to an East Coast
resident, after the recent raid : —
" I sincerely hope the Germans won't send
any more bombs your way, as they don 't seem
very successful, do they ? "
388
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAY 19, 1915.
BLANCHE'S LETTERS.
Park Lane.
THE WAR SPIRIT.
DKAUEST DAPHNK, The season, if
one must call it so, seems by way of
resolving itself into a series of Matinees
(with an object), and of restaurant
dinners and suppers, and theatre-
parties. People are too serious for
anything more this summer. And yet,
in certain quarters, there "ve been most
•unkind comments on " Gorgonzola's "
and " Kickshaw's " being crammed for
dinner and supper every night, and the
stalls and boxes of the "Sans Souci,"
being always full of people laughing a
gorge deployee at the delicious absurdity
of Hcirry-Capers and Evy do Colty, in
Garn ! You 're Kidding ! These silly
critics don't realise that all this is
because we 're too serious for any
private entertaining, or for much racing,
or any of the usual functions.
Lady Manosuverer is at her wits' end.
" Here am I," she said to me to-day,
" with two girls still on my hands. I
meant to bring Rosemary out in London
this year, and now there's virtually no
London to bring her out in ! Mary St.
Neots was saying yesterday that this is
a cruel War for the mothers of sons —
it 's crueller, if possible, for the mothers
of daughters ! I really see nothing for
me and the girls, Blanche, except to go
and be benevolent somewhere. Isn't it
a frightful ending to all my hopes and
plans for the poor darlings '? "
Mais, quc voulez-vous '? Everyone 's
got to suffer in some way. There 's
Lala Middleshire, for instance. The
worry and anxiety of her husband's
being in the Anti-Aircraft Corps has
tried her so that she found it quite
imposs to live a quiet, home life. Sir
William Kiddem was called in, said it
was a complicated case, and agreed
that Lala's own remedy for herself —
coming out as a stage performer —
might prove the very nerve tonic she
needed. She's always had a wonderful
talent for turning cart-wheels — no
acrobat could do it much better — and
has been constantly asked, at private
and semi-private parties, to show her
skill. (It was at a party at Dunstable
House, years ago, after she 'd surpassed
herself in turning cart-wheels, that
Middleshire asked her to dire le grand
oui.) Well, and so, when it got known
that her state of nervous tension dur-
ing her husband's hours of duty made
it necessaiy she should take a stage
engagement, she'd plenty of offers
from managers. She accepted the best
one, and "The Duchess of Middleshire
will Turn Cart-Wheels" was put in as
an extra attraction in the Pantechnicon
revue, Absolutely Top-not-.h. We all
went to see her the first night, and,
after she'd cart-wheeled right across
the stage and back again we fairly
rose at her, and in a minute she was
up to her knees in flowers. Her en-
gagement at the Pantechnicon is over
now, but the state of her nerves, though
improved, yet made quietness danger-
ous, so she's going the round of the
suburban halls ; and, if she 's not all
right after that, Sir William Kiddem
s;i)s he gives her permission to tour
the provinces.
How differently troubles affect people
of different birth, my Daphne I A
woman of long descent like Lala (she
was a Montilol, you know, and they
boast the blood of Plantagenet, and
have an old, hereditary right to stand
in the presence of the Sovereign with
their arms akimbo) has such a high-
strung organisation and such a delicate
poise that any worry and anxiety make
it imperative she should be got out of
herself. On the other hand, Lady
Exborough, who was a Miss Nobody of
Nowhere, and whose husband is at the
Front, shuts herself up and is never
seen at restaurant dinners or suppers
or at the theatre or anywhere. One
would think quietness and seclusion
would, be insupportable to her in the
circumstances, but ces autres have blunt
feelings, I believe.
Apart from the great subject, perhaps
the 'most burning question at present
is, How long ought the war- wisp to be ?
( The war-wisp, dearest, is the lock of
hair now worn in front of each ear.)
Myself I hold that it should steal gently
down past the ear, just trespass unob-
trusively on the cheek, and then stop.
With these war-wisps it 's correct to
wear a faraway look, faintly touched
with anxiety. The idea is that one's
thinking of somebody in Flanders, or the
Dardanelles, or the North Sea. Some
people, however, overdo everything.
For instance, Peggy Preston's war-
wisps reach nearly to the corners of her
mouth, and, though she's no personal
worry about the war, she overdoes the
faraway frown to such extent that
the other night, when she came into
" Gorgonzola's " with a party for sup-
per, I heard a man at a table say to
his friend, " My hat ! Here 's a woman
going mad while you wait ! " I thought
it only kind to tell her, later, what I 'd
heard.
Dear Professor Dimsdale is working
day and night at some marvellous ex-
periments that may end the war quite
suddenly and prevent all future wars.
Isn't that lovely ? Of course everything 's
being kept very secret, but I may tell
you this, he's discovered a drug of
tremendous strength (not cruel or pain-
ful in its effects — he wouldn't do such a
thing ! ). It 's a narcotic of undreamt-
of power, and the idea is for aeroplanes
to fly over the enemy's army and drop
this down in a liquid form ( it only acts
when dropped from above, so the airmen
would be safe). It takes effect on
those below while it's still a long way
up in the air, and half a pint of it,
scattered in drops, is enough to put a
whole army corps into a deep sleep.
So there it is, Daphne! When the
enemy's whole, army is in profound
slumber, it will only remain for us to
find their Commander-in-Chief, wake
him, and dictate terms of peace! The
waking will be done with an anti-
dote the Professor's now at work on.
The laboratory is guarded day and
night, and the dear Professor himself
wears a bullet-and-dagger-proof waist-
coat and his soft felt hat has been
fitted with a steel lining.
A story is being whispered about an
escapade of Beryl Clarges'. She was
week-ending with some people at a
Place on the Coast. Off this Place on
the Coast was lying a certain British
Warship, which one afternoon gave a
tint dansant to which Beryl and the
others went. You know what she is —
nothing would satisfy her but to be
shown just what they do when going
into action. She insisted on knowing
how the guns were trained and loaded
and all that ; teased and coaxed them to
show her exactly what was done when
a broadside was to he fired, and kept
on urging them to show her a little
more — and a little more — till at last
things went too far — and a real broad-
side was fired ! All the windows of a
Place on the Coast were broken; all the
natives thought their last hour had
struck ; the little pier and parade be-
came only a memory, and Beryl clapped
her hands and yelled for joy ! And
now Somebody 's been severely repri-
manded and has lost five years' seni-
ority, while the real culprit goes on her
way rejoicing. Certainly, there 's this
to be said — it would be no punishment
to poor, dear Beryl to lose five years'
seniority !
Ever thine, BLANCHE.
From the Front.
All battalions were recently warned
to keep a careful watch for any con-
trivances which the Germans might
use with the object of producing
poisonous gases. Shortly afterwards a
certain regiment on taking over some
trenches, found an old hag-pipe left in
the lines. At once the Colonel (a
southron) sent the following message
to Brigade Headquarters : — " A weird
instrument has just been discovered in
my trenches; it is believed to be used
for producing asphyxiating noises."
MAY 19, 191/3.J
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
DHL)
LACTAQUEOUS LISPINGS.
RECOGNISING the need of a whole
some antidote to the harassing influenc
of a diet exclusively composed of Wa
news, one of Mr. Punch's literary stai
has compiled the following brief an
thology of cheerful and sedative sen
timents extracted from the poems <
Mrs. Ada Stanley-otto Stookey, th
famous American poetess. The poems
we may add, are not copyright, an
may be sung or danced to anywhere ii
public with impunity or at least with
out payment of a line :
KNOWLEDGE TRUE AND FALSE.
I know that the Solar Orb shines hrigli
When 'tis not obscured by a cloud ;
I know that the stars we see at night
Are a perfectly countless crowd ;
1 know that honey is very sweet,
That beauty is fair to the eye ;
That sugar we strain from the beet 01
the cane,
That apples are good in a pie ;
But my soaring Muse would flatly refuse
To tell you the How or Why,
For we shun the tracts that are peoplec
with facts —
TUFPEK and WILCOX and I.
I know not whither I 'm going,
Nor whence I came to earth,
But it 's perfectly clear that I am here
In this world of sorrow and mirth ;
And never the lotus closes,
Never the hedge-pigs whine,
But I chant a stave that is sweet and
brave
At the rate of two dollars a line.
TRUE HEROISM.
It is easy enough to be gay when one
feels
That the world is progressing
rubber-tyred wheels,
But the man who is jolly when stung
by a l)oc —
Ob, that is the right sort of hero for
me !
THE BETTER WAY.
In slormy youth myself 1 hotly hurled
Against the brick walls of a brutal
world ;
Now wiser grown, and for survival
fitter,
I soothe the Million with my cheery
twitter.
IL FAUT SE BOKNElt.
Tis folly to aim at a world-wide fame
When you 're only a small potato,
But the man who pours oil on a villa-'o
broil
May be happier far than PLATO.
HER EPITAPH.
Though sneered at by the cultured
highbrow critic
For being neither subtle nor mephitie,
on
THE EGOIST.
"NO, I'VE NOT DONE ANYTHING AS YET— BUT, 'PON ME SOUL, I'VE !ALP A MIND TO
JOIN ONE OF THESE SELF-DEFENCE CORPS."
Obscurity she rigidly eschewed,
\nd scaled the topmost peaks of plati-
tude.
THE POET'S IDEAL.
hold it the duty of those who in verse
lave command of a style that is simple
and terse,
'o raise their emotions from life's lee
scuppers
Jntil they emerge to the level of
TUPPER'S.
THE MIGHTY MONOSYLLABLE.
Vll weighty words are brief: "bread,"
"beef " and " beer,"
Eggs,'' " cheese " and " ham," and
" Life " and " Death " and " Fear " ;
kief too are " lamb " and " peas," and
" prose " and " rhyme " ;
'et in them lies a majesty sublime.
THE THING THAT MATTERS.
Oh, it is not the song of the poet, though
naught could be possibly sweeter
Which touches the spot with a name
that is hot, but the heart that is
back of the metre ;
And therefore, although right through
I 've loved pure Art for its own
pure sake,
It is not Art, Oh no! it is Heart that
finally takes the cake.
Some idea of the crisis in Italy may
be gathered from the following poignant
message sent from Rome to The Morn-
ing Post: — "The German Embassy
has ordered its washerwoman to send
back its linen instantly." No doubt to
have it washed in public at home.
390
I'UNCII, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAY 19, 1915.
Proud Mother (taking her first walk with her son since he put his uniform on). "You BEEM TO HAVE MADE QUITE A. NICE LOT
OF NEW FRIENDS ALREADY, MY BOY."
A COMMON ENEMY.
Uncle Henry is such a bloodthirsty
person when properly roused that it
seems a pity he is too old for service.
However, rumours of German spies in
our neighbourhood set him bristling.
" I expect they are after my maps," he
said. " I hope so. If I catch one 1 11
kill him. I neither give quarter nor
expect it." I have great confidence' in
Uncle Henry, and his words made me
feel much safer.
This morning I was arranging the
flowers in the drawing-room, when all
at once I heard sounds of a scuffle from
the library where a few minutes ago
I had left Uncle quietly reading the
paper. The library window slammed
to, so did the door, there were thumps
on the wall, heavy footsteps stamping,
staggering, slipping round the polished
floor.
My heart stood still, and I went and
hid behind the window curtains. Then
came a crash, the sound of breaking
glass, a groan in Uncle's voice, more
struggling, furniture overturned,
heavy fall and a sickening series of
thuds.
A few minutes' deathly silence
followed ; then the. drawing-room door
burst open, and there stood Uncle,
pale, panting, dishevelled, his coat
half off, a hard, cruel glint in his eyes
and blood on his hands.
"I've killed him," he panted. "He
put up a good fight, but I killed him."
" Oh ! " I gasped. " What has
happened?"
" He came in at the window — didn't
see me — went straight over to the big
map on the wall. I ought to have got
him there, only I missed — but I stuck
to it — nearly wrecked the room before
I finished him."
" Oh, Uncle," I cried, " shall I tele-
phone for the police? "
" What for ? " he said.
I shuddered.
" To- — to — take away the body."
He gave a savage laugh.
" There 's nothing of him left, only a
smear on the carpet."
" But his clothes, Uncle. They must
still be there."
" He wasn't wearing any," he replied.
I gasped.
" Then how did you know he was a
German ? "
" He wasn't a German. He was
English — an enemy to his own country
— a common poisoner — a plague spot-
a traitor of the most insidrous sort ! "
" Oh, Uncle Henry," I cried, "what
have you done ? Who is it you have
killed ? "
"A fly," he said, simply.
Honesty its own reward.
"Lost, Lady's "Gold Watch in Wristlet, in
vicinity of Drumcondra Road, Botanic Road
and Richmond Road. Finder rewarded by
bringing same to 10, Drumcondra Road."
Dublin Evening Mail.
From a notice of an impending route-
march : —
" The far-famed villaga of Moulton, as
termed by Whyte-Melville, lies 2,875 miles
due north of Northampton from St. Matthew's,
and can be reached by the ' softest ' pedes-
trian without the penalty of blistered heels or
stiff joints."
Northampton Daily Chronicle.
This is a high tribute to the excellence
of the local manufactures.
" A guard of honour of officers, with crossec
swords, was drawn up at the church. The
bride was driven away by the commanding
officer of the 17th Royal Fusiliers."
Southern Czily Mail.
We are glad to say that the lady refused
to be daunted by this unchivalrous be-
haviour on the part of the C.O., and
that after a counter-attack the
duly took place.
PUNCH, OB THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— MAY 19. 1915.
WILFUL MUEDEB.
THE KAISER. "TO THE DAY "
DEATH. " OF EECKONINGI1
MAY 19,
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
(Kvi ii \i n :i> Fiimi iin-. PMIIY or TOBY, M.IV)
I/HUM' of Common*, Monilni/, \0tk o
of
ith
. -The, civilised world ablaze wit
lion-Hi1 iind nn^cr at latest example of
German Kultur. Reasonable to sup-
pose House of Commons, epitome and
representative of British nation, would
</o)/c. - Bill dealing with
control of Drink traffic in munition
reassemble to-day in state of turbulent, , areas read a second time,
indignation. House of Commons
is an odd place, unique in its
characteristics. Looking round
the benches, noting tone and pur-
port of inquiries addressed "to
FIRST LORD OF ADMIRALTY, ono
might well suppose that nothing
particular had happened since it
adjourned last Thursday. Ques-
tions numerous; all of practical
character. Unemotional as if
they referred to outrages by
newly-discovered tribe of fiends
in human shape peopling M;i:x
or Saturn. FIHST LORD, equally
undemonstrative, announced that
Board of Trade have ordered
inquiry into circumstances attend-
ing loss of Liixjtunia. Pending
result, it would be premature to
discuss the matter.
This way of looking at it struck
some listeners as the sublimation
I Doubtless partly in sign of sympathy | clause it proposes that, wherever it
with relatives of the victims of the appears expedient for successful pro-
wholesale murder on the sea off Kinsale. sedition of the war, supply and sale of
Has for some time been the token of j intoxicating liquor shall be controlled
abiding sorrow among Members of bj t he State in any mimit ions, transport
both Houses, which have, perhaps in or camp area.
exceptional proportion, been hardly hit. Temperance party, whilst approving
bestowal upon Government of supreme
control of supply of liquor, object to
their undertaking its sale. Visions of
LORD CHANCELLOR with apron
conveniently tucked up over his
pertly figure handing tankards of
four-half across the counter to
perennially thirsty workmen, the
CHANCELLOR OF THE F.x< HEQUEH
trotting out at midday with the
dinner ale, crossed their mind.
ATTORNEY - GENERAL pointed
out that it is essential part of
scheme that Government may
supply liquor as well as food to
workmen in areas where public-
houses are closed against them.
BY- YOUR-LEIF- JONES led little
band of teetotalers armed with
amendments. In vain CHAN-
CELLOR OP THE EXCHEQUER
THE SUPER-STATESMAN.
of officialism and national phlegm.
Here is a British passenger ship home-
ward bound across Atlantic. Within
sight of land she is feloniously struck
without warning by a torpedo launched
by a German submarine. Out of a
total of 1,906 souls, passengers and
cie\\ , 77'J survive.
These are bare facts beyond dis-
pute.
must,
Tlia Majesty of the Law (to Antl-Clcrman rioter). " You pleaded that if carried they would
ARE CHARGED WITH A VERY GRAVE OFFENCE. WlIAT HAVE destroy object of legislation.
YOU TO SAY FOB YOURSEI.F?" .. T *. tl "1 1
" Insert them, he said, " and
Prisoner. "\\ELL. UK LUD, I DON T WANT TO BOAST, i.v TJ-II • *• 11 j TXT
BUT THEY DO SAY AS I 'VE GIVE THE GOVERNMENT A LEAD." tlle B U 1S P^CaHy dead. We
must be authorised to make pro-
But, as FIRST LORD says, we
have enquiry into the matter.
It will take days to complete, may-
be weeks. Meanwhile
nothing about it.
Continued absence of
Si i \KEU an incident illustrat-
ing universality of influence
of the War. Mr. LOWTHKU'S
son was wounded when
:ill\ lighting at the
Front . The SPEAKER, "leav-
ing the Chair" without
putting the usual question,
-Mine out to succour and
cheer him in his hospital
bed. He carries with him
the sympathy and good
wishes of the whole House.
These extended to the PRIME
MINISTER who also has a son
stricken down on the battle-
Held.
Notable to-day bow, with
exception here and there of
a touch of khaki, majority of
Members are in mourning.
we must say
Tuesday. — " Save me from my
friends ! "
'Twas the voice of the CHANCELLOR
OF THE EXCHEQUER. I knew he'd
complain. And with good reason. In
charge of Bill of declared and admitted
urgency. Designed to withstand malign
influence diminishing supply of muni-
tions of war, hampering splendid efforts
of army in the field, imperilling safety
of the country, at least lengthening
duration of War with its daily holo-
caust. Limited to single operative
THE GOVERNMENT BAR.
"VISIONS OP LORD CHANCELLOR WITH APRON CONVENIENTLY
1TCKED UP OVER HIS PORTLY FIGURE HANDING TANKARDS OF FOUR-
HALF ACROSS THE COUNTER TO PERENNIALLY 1HIKSTY \VORKM EN.''
vision for adequate reasonable refresh-
ment for the men in these districts
or we may as well withdraw the Bill.
The situation is a grave one. Any man
who does anything to hinder the output
of the munitions of war or the trans-
port of ships and materials accepts a
responsibility I should be sorry to share
with him."
Argument fell on deaf ears. With
or without your leave JONES and bis
friends insisted on pressing their
amendments.
At this stage, Leaders of
Opposition came to rescue.
Time was when sign of revolt
in any section of multiform
Ministerial majority would
have been studiously fostered.
In this hour of peril patri-
otism stands before party.
AUSTEN CHAMHEKL.UN and
LEADER OF OPPOSITION in
succession rose to support
Ministers. Amendment and
others of similar purport
finally withdrawn. Bill
passed through Committee ;
by consent was carried
through Report Stage.
Business done. — A Couple
of War Emergency Bills
hurried forward.
Thursday.— Amid poignant
personal sorrow pervading
House under shadow of war,
394
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAY 19, 1915.
AN ECHO FROM NEW ZEALAND.
"I HEAR THE DOCTOR WOULDN'T PASS YOUB BOY FOR THE REINFORCEMENTS, SlB."
"No. POOR LAD'S AS MAD AS A HATTER."
"DEAR ME, SIR! Is THAT THE TROUBLE? I THOUGHT rr WAS HIS HEART."
there is grief for the untimely cutting
off of one of the Liberal Whips.
WILLIAM JONES was much too good for
human nature's daily food as it is earned
in the Whips' Boom of House of Com-
mons. A scholar, a poet, an orator of
rare loftiness of tone and beauty of
style, he was among the most modest,
the least self - seeking of men. One
can imagine how embarrassed he must
have been when he woke up one
morning to find himself a Junior Lord
of the Treasury with a salary of £1,200
a year and appointed to the work of
a Whip.
No one envied him his good fortune.
On the contrary it was universally
applauded. Still, under chorus of ap-
proval there was note of regret that
the trammels of subordinate office
would rob the House of one of its
chiefest ornaments in debate.
WILLIAM JONES rarely addressed the
House. Whenever he did he com-
manded its instant and held its en-
tranced attention. Among his chief
admirers was Prince ARTHUR, himself
an expert in the art of speech. Gifted
with a beautiful vorce, attuned to the
intonation of his native tongue, his
contributions to Parliamentary debate!
were things apart. Equally successful j
on the platform, he swayed mixed
multitudes in fashion that surprised
and to some extent alarmed him.
A self-made man, he found his way
to the front without pushing. Perhaps
the one - time country schoolmaster
more highly prized his tutorship at
Oxford than his Parliamentary honours.
His scholarship was as unobtrusive as
were his other qualities. The MEMBER
FOB SARK recalls an occasion when
it unexpectedly flashed forth. At a
small, intimate dinner-party, whereat
WILLIAM JONES sat opposite the then
Lord Advocate, now Lord DUNEDIN,
chance reference was made to a topic
in Greek literature. Forthwith the two
involuntarily, apparently unconsciously,
dropped into colloquial Greek and con-
tinued the conversation in that tongue.
Business done. — PREMIER announced
drastic procedure in respect to enemy
aliens. There are 40,000 Germans and
Austrians still ,at large. Of the men
all who are of military age will be
interned. Above that age they will be
packed off to Fatherland. Women and
children are also liable to be repatriated,
but cases will be considered upon their
merits, with object of avoiding unjusti-
fiable hardship. Proposals greeted with
general approval. Only regret that
found expression was that they were
not enforced nine months ago.
" Sir, — On February 2nd I drew attention
to the fact that there existed a remedy for the
vermin which are so unpleasant a feature of
life at the front through the medium of the
London Press. Large quantities of this have
been sent out and have proved entirely suc-
cessful."— Letter to " Scotsman."
It would be interesting to know the
names of the journals that have proved
so effective.
In a review of JOHN WESLEY'S
" Journal " The Daily Neivs gave as
one of the causes for his excellent
health "constant punching, particu-
larly at five in the morning — one
of the healthiest exercises in the
world." The pleasing picture thus
conjured up of the famous revivalist
keeping in condition " by apostolic
blows and knocks" was spoiled by the
conscientious reviewer, who wrote next
day to say that the word should have
been " preaching."
MAY 19, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CIIARIVAIM.
395
Sergeant. "WHAT DID YOU MEAN BY TELLINO ME YOU WAS ACCUSTOMED TO 'OHSES? WHAT KIND OF 'OBSES WAS IT?"
Recruit. " WOODEN 'OSSES. I WAS WORKIN' THE HENOINE WOT DBOVE THE ROUNDABOUT."
THE PEEFECT LETTER- WEITEE.
SOMETIMES it happens that illiteracy
can get there as quickly and surely
as the highest culture, though by a
dil'l'crent route, as in the following
instance.
Once upon a time there was a Little
Tailor in a little shop in Soho. Not a
tailor in the ordinary sense of the word,
but a ladies' tailor. He was never seen
out of shirt sleeves which might have
been whiter, and he came from one of
the foreign lands where the youths
seem to be under conscription for this
trade. What land it was I cannot say
for certain, but I should guess one of
the Polands — German probably, but
called Eussian by him.
Once upon a time — in fact, at the
saino time — there was also a, lady con-
nected with the stage, and as her theatre
was contiguous to the Little Tailor's
place of business, it was only natural
that when one of her gowns was sud-
denly torn her dresser should hasten
to him to have it put right. But the
charge was so disproportionate to the
slight work done that the dresser de-
ferred payment, and deferred it so long
that the Little Tailor had to lay down
the shears and take the pen in their
place. And this is what lie wrote: —
'•DEAR Miss, — I don't feel like
exactly to quarrel with somebody. But
it is the first time in my life happens
to me a thing like that. And therefore
I am not going to let it go. I was just
keeping quiet to see what you would
do. But what I can see you think I
have forgotten about it. But I may
tell you this much. It is not the few
shillings but it is the impudence to
come in while I am away to ask the
girl to do it as a special, and then to
come in and take it away, and then tell
the girl you would come in to-morrow
to see me. And this is six weeks
already and you have not come yet.
The only thing I can say now, Miss, if
you will kindly send the money by
return, because I tell you candidly. I
will not be had by you in this manner.
Should you not send the money I shall
try to get to know you personally, and
will have something to say about it."
If the art of letter- writing is to state
clearly one's own position, that is as
good a letter as any written. Every
word expresses not only the intention of
the writer but his state of mind. Not
even — shall we say? — Mr. LANDFEAB
LUCAS could improve upon it except in
inessentials.
Baby Mine !
" PENNING.— May 0, 1915. at 3 Wood
quay. Dublin, the wife of Thos. J. Penning of
a Goldfields." — Irish Independent.
Our Comforting Experts.
" Travelling at sea is dangerous always,
is not made more so by the submarine . . .
" The Times " Naval Correspondent.
It
" She usually enveloped herself in a large,
stiff, white apron. It was her sinecure of
office, as the curd's shabby black cassock was
his." — Everyman.
Thus carelessly clad they were, no
doubt, the " sinecure " of every eye.
"This crow outside Biffi's cafe, in the
famous Galleria Vittorio Emanuele, was not
thirsting for German blood. It was merely
good-humouredly encouraging some German
visitors to catch the next train to that haven
of German refugees, Lugano." — Daily Mail.
As HAMLET (another wearer of sable)
remarked : — " Keport me and my caws
aright."
From an article by " A. G. G." on
the KAISER in the Daily News :
" He has never laughed at himself. He has
never seen himself, in Falstaff's phrase, ' like
a forked radish carved out of cheese-parings
after supper.' "
No, we are sure the KAISBB has never
seen himself like that. We rather
like this method of telescoping two
quotations into one.
"As COOK-GENERAL, now ; age 30 ; good
stamp reply."
Person required to go With the
dumb-waiter.
396
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAY 19, 1915.
ON THE SPY TRAIL.
v.
Jimmy never knew his bloodhound
Faithful was such a Rood swimmer
until a man showed him. The man
was fishing for roach in a canal, and
when the roach took the dough off his
hook they nudged the float for more.
Jimmy says the roach were very good
nudgers. The man told Jimmy that lie
put aniseed in the dough to give it a
relish. He had about a pound of it on
the ground beside him and a small
piece which he kept rolling between
his finger and thumb to make it look
darker. Jimmy's bloodhound Faithful
ate the big lump of dough and then sat
down to enjoy the fishing. Faithful
loves anything with a relish to it,
Jimmy says, and it made him smack
his lips.
Faithful liked watching the float
bob, and every time it bobbed Faithful
bobbed. Jimmy says it is-like when you
watch a boy kick a goal at Rugby foot-
ball and you lift your leg out of sym-
pathy and kick the boy standing in
front of you, except that you have to
fight the boy afterwards to show it was
an accident.
Jimmy says Faithful was very anxious
to get to the float io see how it did it,
but there was too much water in the
canal, and Faithful hadn't room for it
all. Jimmy says the aniseed kept egg-
ing Faithful on to drink up the canal
till he got a hiccough over it.
Jimmy says the man had never heard
a bloodhound hiccough so much and he
was surprised.
When the man had used up the last
bit of the dark dough he looked every-
where for the rest of it. Jimmy says
Faithful never said a word, he just
went on hiccoughing quietly to him-
self. Jimmy says the man must have
had his suspicions, because he sent
Faithful spinning through the air right
into the middle of the canal. Before
he went away lie told another man
about it ; he said the roach were just
beginning to bite real lusty as you
might say. The other man stopped to
admire Faithful's breast stroke. He
showed Jimmy how to train Faithful
to fetch things out of the water.
Jimmy says you do it by throwing your
walking stick into the middle of the
canal and saying " Good dog " quickly.
Jimmy says it was a nice walking
stick, much better than the ordinary
ones because it was made of ebony and
sank.
Faithful liked to see the man get into
the water after his stick. Jimmy says
Faithful got very excited when the man
dived under the water, and lie tried to
take the man's shirt to him. Jimmy
says the man laughed when he came to
the surface and saw Faithful in the
water; he said "What has he got in
his mouth? " — just like that, you know.
The man swam after Faithful and pulled
it out of his mouth. He said it was —
bless me, a dirty old shirt, and threw it
away from him, because he said you
never knew what tramp had been wear-
ing it, and he might have had fever or
what not.
The man showed Jimmy how to do
the trudgeon stroke. Faithful liked
to see the man do this stroke ; he was
lying on the man's vest, guarding it till
he came back. Bloodhounds are very
good at that, Jimmy says.
Whilst the man was doing the trud-
geon stroke Jimmy noticed he had
something tattooed on his arm. You
see Jimmy knows all about tattooing ;
you do it with a pen nib and copying
ink pencil, and if the other boy goes
too deep you wait till you do it on him,
and then you can 't do it for laughing.
You'd never guess what it was on the
man's arm. Jimmy saw it when the
man was drying himself with his pocket
handkerchief — it was an eagle Jimmy
says, and then he knew that his blood-
hound Faithful had been tracking an-
other spy down all the time. Jimmy
says the man noticed that his vest was
all hairy where Faithful had guarded
it ; he sang Faithful a little hymn of
hate about it as he was putting it on.
He said so much about it that Jimmy
crawled through to the other side of
the hedge ready for the time when he
missed his shirt. Jimmy says he could
hear the man wondering where his shirt
was as he was crawling through.
Jimmy says when the man remembered
where he 'd seen it last he wanted to
catch Faithful and hold his head under
the water for a very long time, but
Faithful thought he was playing cross-
tick with him, and wouldn't let the
man catch him. Jimmy says Faithful
is a good cross-ticker.
When the man got his shirt again
Jimmy saw that Faithful's toe-nails
wanted cutting, as you could see where
they had caught in the shirt when he
was swimming with it.
Jimmy says the man dressed very
quickly, and said he was going home to
catch his death of cold. He promised
to meet Faithful again. Jimmy found
out where the man lived, and told a
policeman about the German eagle.
Jimmy says the policeman soon found
the man ; he did it by going up to the
man's house and knocking at the door.
He said the man was very rude to
him, very, very rude, the policeman said ;
you wouldn't believe it unless you were
in the force, he said.
The policeman said that when he
asked the man to take off his shirt the
man invited him to come into the back
yard where they would have more room.
Jimmy says the policeman told him
lie took down three pages of evidence
which might have been used against
the man, but it was all wasted because
it wasn't a German eagle after all; it
was a love bird, and they are different.
Jimmy says the very best blood-
hounds make mistakes sometimes, and
it must have been the aniseed in the
dough that put him off the scent.
FROM HOME TO THE TRENCHES.
SONNY, it seems like twenty year,
The while that you 've been gone,
And left me lonesome for you here
Trying to do my bit — eh, dear ! —
By keeping steady on.
I promised and I 've meant to do,
But now and then at night
I 've been to blame, the times it blew
Like guns that answered guns, with
you —
My you — amongst the fight.
But in the morning " Dear old fool "
I 've seemed to hear you say ;
" Mother, no need to fuss, keep cool,"
Just like the cheeky brat from school
You was the other day.
You wasn't always quite so grand ;
Once you was mighty glad,
Chased by a puppy-dog, to stand
Behind your Mummy, slip your hand
In hers, the way you had.
Small son turned big, now that you 're
grown
And in a real war,
And set to face it all alone,
I 'm wild to run and guard my own
Same as I did before.
You 'd laugh at that ; but keep your
fun
Till fighting's through, and then
Hurry off back to where there 's one
All of a fuss to hear her son
Say " Dear old fool " again.
A Mixed Bag.
" The following is a copy of a wire received
at a certain R.I.G. station quite recently from
a farmer — ' (irey motor passed hero. Kilted a
heifer containing four gentlemen and two grey-
hounds, one of which was a clergyman.' "
Belfast Evening Telegraph.
"THE DARDANELLES OPERATIONS
PRIME MINISTER'S CHEERING REPORT
MOKE BUITISH VESSELS SUNK."
Glasgow Herald.
Although Mr. ASQUITH has declared
himself an optimist, and quite rightly,
we cannot think that these headlines
accurately represent his attitude.
MAY 19, 1915.]
PUNCH, GJl TIIK LONDON CHARIVARI.
397
ROYAL ACADEMY SECOND DEPRESSIONS.
TJIF.ATIUCAL COMPANY {TIME OP CHABLES I.) STARTING ON A PROVINCIAL TOCR. TRYING TO GET GRANDFATHER TO UNDERSTAND
TIIAT THERE IS A EUROPEAN WAR IN PROGRESS.
\ 113
d. "DON'T YOU BE AFEARED, Miss; THEY AIN'T
COT THEIR TEETH YET."
ANTIQUE FURNITURE ON THE HIRE-PURCHASE SYSTEM.
The Master. " TELL HIM IT 's ALL RIGHT. I 'LL PAY THE THREE
MONTHS' ARREARS ON SATURDAY."
A WUIST CLUB COMMITTEE INQUIRING INTO THE CONDUCT OP A MEMBEH AGAINST WHOM
THK URAVE CHARGE OP PLAYING BRIDGE HAS BliF.N BROUGHT.
Junior Satyr. "I DON'T LIKE
HIM. WHERE'S HIS LEGS?"
398
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAY 19, 1915.
UNWRITTEN LETTERS TO THE KAISER.
No. XXII.
(From the President of the IGNITED STATES OF AMERICA.)
SIR, — The Imperial Gorman Government will shortly
receive through the usual channels a document in which
are expressed the sentiments of the Government of the
United States with regard to the grave questions involved
in the sinking of unarmed merchant vessels by German
submarines, and particularly with regard to tho sinking
of the Lnsitania and the consequent death of many
American citizens. These sentiments are necessarily
expressed in diplomatic form, 'though I trust you will
not mistake their restraint for weakness or imagine
that because the terms are courteous there is any lack of
determination on the part of this Government to obtain not
merely reparation, but an assurance that such outrages
shall not be repeated. Still there may be such a danger,
and I am therefore impelled to write this private letter
which I beg you will read -into the gentler language of the
Secretary of State. In that way, perhaps, all future mis-
understandings between your Government and that of the
United States will be avoided, and to-secure this object I
shall use all the frankness which the occasion demands.
Let me: tell you, first, that I- cannot find, words, in
which to state adequately the feelings "of horror, indigna-
tion and loathing which have been aroused in the minds
and hearts of the American people, by the dastardly
and inhuman outrage of which the Lusitania with her
passengers and her crew was a victim. No warning was
given. Death appeared suddenly at'your orders, and more
than a thousand innocent men, women and children were
hurried to their doom. Their only fault was that they
were going about their lawful avocations, and that in so
doing they offended, forsooth, against your claim to omni-
potence and terror. You had determined to shut the gates
of mercy on mankind, unless mankind was willing to tremble
before your sword and to do obeisance before your jack-boots.
Mankind, I can assure you, will not admit that claim and
American mankind as little as any other. They will recoil
from you in scorn and detestation, seeing in you not the
honourable warrior whose chivalry, while not impairing his
strength, adds lustre to his deeds, but rather the skulking
assassin who deals a felon's blow in the dark and gloats
in his hiding place over the innocent blood he has' shed.
Hundreds of -years hence this dreadful murder will still
stain the escutcheon of Germany. Nothing will ever efface
it or mitigate its shame, and the world, whatever may be the
result of this terrible conflict, will continue to wonder how
men can have planned and executed such an atrocity. On
you and on no other rests the ultimate responsibility for
the crime, and you will be known to distant ages as the
Lusitanian Emperor. /
Already I perceive that your German newspapers are
singing their inspired and accustomed strain. They have
been told to weep a tear or two, and, lo, in a moment they
are all turned into crocodiles. They weep perfunctorily
over the loss of life, but they point out, as their master
commands them, that the fault is with those who are dead
and with England who lured them to their fate and who
still presumes to affront Germany by fighting against her
on land and sea. CAESAR BORGIA was a frequent and a
merciless assassin in his time, but I do not think he used
hypocrisy of this stamp to gloss over his crimes. Nor was
he known in private life as one who made broad his
phylacteries and claimed for himself and his crew of
bravoes the special favour of Almighty God.
You have chosen your course, and I suppose you will
endeavour to abide by it. Humanity may, perhaps, protest
in vain against your arrogance and your vanity and the
hideous misdeeds in -which you delight. But there will
come a day of retribution, when even the German nation
whose chief misfortune it is to be ruled by you will see you
for what you are and will shrink from the sight. And in
tlie meantime, while I contemplate your actions with
disgust and horror, I do not envy you your dreams.
WOODBOW WILSON.
SHORT AND SWEET.
BEFORE the War I had tried and tried again, and each
time I had failed. Diana is so disarming. Several times
I had ventured on the preliminary cough, followed by
a husky " Diana, I "
But Diana is very clover. Her invariable reply was,
" What a nice boy young So-and-so is," young So-and-so
being a different boy each time.
Then at tho beginning of August last there came a
time when for three whole dajs I never once thought
of Diana. I was more concerned with the measurement
of my chest, tho soundness of my heart and the difficulty of
purchasing a sword.
With the assumption of my uniform I wakened to the
realisation of.. things. " By -George," I said, "in these
clothes I ought to stand a chance. 1 ought to bo able to
propose at least." I was wrong.
• My first day's leave saw mo in her drawing-room. "Dick,"
she said, "I often wonder how you manage on parade."
I stiffened. " How do you mean ? "
" Well, you've such a gentle voi'ee."
I walked to the fireplace, picked up the tongs and
handed them to Diana.
"rail in, please," I said, "and we'll show you."
Diana fell in. I cleared my throat threateningly and
began —
"D.IANA — AT-TEN-TION 1 " (This is how it appears in
the Manuals.) /
" Oh, good ! " she exclaimed.
" SILENCE IN THE RANKS!" ,
I cleared my throat again. Then an idea came to me.
Diana, I knew, would not talk again ; slid is like that.
" STAND — A — TEASE," 1 bellowed. " DIANA " She
waited for the " "SHUN." It never came.
"I — " I began; and then I realised it was unsporting
to take advantage of her enforced' silence. "I — I — EYKS
— BIGHT," I finished brilliantly.
" Dick, you dear," said Diana, and I felt pleased with
myself.
The pleased feeling had worn off a long time when
some months later we were moved to Aldershot. I
wondered hopelessly if Diana would 'change at the last
minute. We expected of course to proceed frontwards from
Aldershot, and this Diana knew ; so I was just a little
more confident when the time came. " But I got no further
than the preliminary cough, for at that moment Diana's
father entered, shook me warmly by the hand and presented
mo with some milk tabloids.
* # * * * * #
A trench is an uncomfortable place to write in, and
there are distractions. I had got as far as a P.S. begin-
ning " Diana, I— -" when something hit me ; and a sporting
companion, finding the addressed envelope and the unfinished
letter, sealed it up and despatched it. But it was sufficient.
The reply came by wire to the hospital — " So do I, dear.
DIANA."
I abandoned the idea of confirming my communication
with a complete proposal, and wired back something
rather snappy — "Darling," I think it was.
MAY 19, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
399
A
Lady. "I HEARD THAT YOUB BOY HAS LEFT HIS LAST PLACE, AND I THOUGHT HE MIGHT COME TO us AS A GARDENER."
Cottager. "WELL, MUM, THERE'S BIN 'ALF A DOZEN AFTER 'IM THIS MORNING. BUT I SHALL BE VERY 'APPY TO PUT YOU ON THE
WAITING LIST."
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
(By Mi: Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)
IT may not seem very probable that a world-renowned
inventor should be so seized with hatred for the restraints
of ordinary existence that he should suddenly leap from a
motor car, somewhere in the New Forest, without even
asking the driver to stop ; but, granted that he did so, it
becomes entirely natural that he should thereupon crack
his crown, be picked up by gipsies camping near and
(granted further that it is the way of gipsy girls to be as
sweetly attractive as Mary James) should proceed to fall
in love with one of them during the period of recovery.
That even Miss E. S. STEVENS finds it a little difficult to
account for the behaviour of the hero of Allward (MILLS
AND BOON) is proved by the fact that she feels under an
obligation to sketch in an elaborately unhappy past for the
purpose of explaining him ; but really it does not matter
a bit ; for so likeable is the world into which he projects
himself — and us — that honestly we would rather not be
bothered with too many reasons for our introduction there.
Ik is a world that is alive with the spirit which the forest
lover feels stirring in the sway of the bushes, the patter of
raindrops and the shimmer of blue distances, and Mary is
the visible incarnation of that spirit. Her lover calls her
his little " shushy," recognising a sort of kinship between
her and the earth-grubby, earth-happy rabbit. When you
have read this charming story, simpler and stronger than
any the author has given us before, I think you will agree
that those of Lyddon's friends who lived in houses and
pronounced their aspirates were wrong in trying to break
off the romance, and you will add your blessing when the
nomad and his gipsy bride wander northward, southward,
eastward, westward — in fact, Allward.
Chapman's Wares (MILLS AND BOON) is the agreeable
title that Mr. H. B. MARRIOTT WATSON has given to a
collection of short stories. The wares comprise one rather
lengthy and dullish tale called " Elaine " and a number of
others which, if they might justly be called pot-boilers,
contrive a pleasant sparkle in the process. I do not think
you will care over much for " Elaine," which is about a
man who brought a wife home from India, and found (or
would have found had he been less obtuse) that his sister's
betrothed was the only man that the lady had ever loved.
So of course there were ructions. People were introduced,
and after a sufficient pause said " How do you do? " quite
I naturally, as they do just before the curtain drops on the
first Act of a problem play. Indeed I would take a modest
bet with any lady or gentleman that Mr. WATSON has at
one time or other considered a dramatic medium for his
story. If so, I am glad he thought better of it. The other
tales, as I say, are better company. There is one, " The
Wayside Inn," as improbable and genuinely thrilling as
you need wish. I fancy, though I may be wrong, that I
; recall meeting it in a Christmas Number ; indeed many of
the stories will bring you memories of those mid-autumn
shillingsworths. The best of the bunch, I think, because
its probability, though subjected to a severe strain, never
quite reaches snapping-point, is " The Boom at the Dol-
phin." What happens therein you might find out on your
next railway journey.
400
PUNCH,
Oil
TIIK LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAY 19, 1915.
I see that one of Mr. JKKFEKY FARNOL'S talcs is adver- South, is dedicated by JAMES LANE ALLEN to "the Soldier-
ly his publishois as the sweetest stoiy ever told ; no youth of England." Joseph Simmer goes to the war to
doubt, however, this criticism was penned before they had follow a father and four brothers, all dead on those terrible
read his latest, The (.'linniicles of the Imp (SAMPSON Low), fratricidal fields. He takes the call of duty in a great-hearted
which must otherwise have made a bold bid for the super-' way; faces staunchly the ordeal of parting from his beloved
lative. Whether sweetest stories appeal to you or not is of ! and from the mother who refuses her consent and blessing
course a matter of constitution. For myself I can only | to his enterprise, and sends him forth with bitter words,
regretfully confess to a habit somewhat too gouty for their j Then, coming near death in loneliness, she sends for him to
assimilation. The fact is that Mr. FARNOL'S world affects ask his forgiveness. And on the eve of battle, tragically
me as adulation did the Dtikc- in Patience. Here, in the conscious of the shame of his desertion, he leaves his
present book, you shall find it in full luxuriance. It is a j comrades only to arrive too late, makes his way back again
world where it is always afternoon, and mostly midsummer; to the army, and has his pardon from LEE himself on that
where never wind blows loudly ; where attractive heroines fateful evening before the Appomattox surrender. It is
wander through landscapes as comfortably picturesque as : Mr. ALLEN'S method to take but a few incidents, to
those that hang in pairs upon the walls
of lodging-houses ; where, above all,
infant phenomena are constructed with
engaging lisps and a passion for un-
conscious match-making that inevitably
lands the heroine in the hero's arms at
the last chapter. I find that without
intending it I have told you all about
The Chronicles of the Imp. I do not
know that we need go much further
into detail. Lisbeth was the heroine
and Uncle Dick was the hero, and
almost the last illustration (very plea-
sant these illustrations) depicts the
heroine reassuring the hero, who with
incredible simplicity had imagined that
she was going to many somebody else.
As if there had been the remotest
chance of such an ending ! Well, well,
Mr. FARNOL counts his public by the tens
of thousands. He has even achieved the
high guerdon of "an appreciation of
the author and his work by CLEMENT
K. SHORTER," printed here as a preface,
and read by me with the sympathetic
interest that a tale of hardships over-
come must always command. It made
me glad that a book which I personally
could not like was so certain of its
success.
Miss WINIFRED HOLT in an intro-
duction to her life of HENRY FAWCETT,
A Beacon for the Blind (CONSTABLE),
is careful to tell us that her book
has -no pretensions ; but, as in many
ways — and those the most essential — she is an admirable
biographer, no such disclaimer was needed. Without
undue insistence upon the gallant spirit of the man who
embroider them delicately, and to in-
spire the whole with that passionate
love of his dear Kentucky which
colours all his work. The Stvord of
Youth has these good qualities, along
with a simple and romantic idealism
particularly refreshing in this day of
the ultra-realists.
AN OMEN OF 1908.
Reproduced from "Christinas Cards for Cele-
brities " in Mr. Punch's Almanack of that year.
THE RKCOKDS ACHIEVED BY THE LvSITAXIA
HAD RECENTLY CREATED A JEALOUSY WHICH
THE KAISER AND HIS FBIEND, BALLIN, OP
THE HAMBUHG-AMEBIKA LINE, HAVE NOW
APPEASED.
A considerable chastening awaited me
when I held a roll-call of " KATHARINE
TYNAN'S " books and discovered that of
the splendid muster standing to her
credit some sixty-three were still un-
read. No excuse can cover such a
colossal omission ; but were I com-
pelled to offer a timid explanation it
would bo that Mrs. HINKSON writes
rather for women than for men, and
as evidence of this I should bring for-
ward The House of the Foxes (SMITH,
ELDER). In a sense nothing could be
more attractive than the tale of the
curse hanging over the house of Tur-
loughrAorc and of the way in which it
is removed by the sweetest of delightful
maidens. If you can enjoy a simple
Irish story in which the course of true
love is but little disturbed, here is your
book ; but if your pleasure is in pro-
blems and psychology I advise you to
seek it elsewhere. ,3mall beer, perhaps,
but nevertheless so excellently whole-
some that it possesses almost a tonic
quality.
refused to accept blindness
his life's work, she leaves
as a fatal impediment to
us with a picture of a very
real hero. Uncompromising honesty of purpose, intense
sympathy with the afflicted and oppressed, and a never-
failing courage were the qualities that won for FAWCETT
not only the love of his personal friends, but also the
Vive L'Entente Cordiale.
The'following Notice has been placed in the window of a
Hairdresser's shop in Manchester : —
" MAISON FRANQAISE late Watzlaffs. In order to avoid mis-
conception the Proprietor who is an ENGLISHMAN has decided
to alter the name of this Establishment to MAISON FRANgAISE."
He (political). I see some of the papers are talking of a
Coalition Ministry.
respect and admiration of those political opponents to o/,' /,, LVllnls^ '• .
whom some of his advanced ideas were extremely dis- , (Practical). A Coal and-Ammumtion Ministry would
tasteful. Miss HOLT'S work-a labour of love-appears at be m°re USe to U8' -
a moment when help and sympathy are sorely needed for "The German journalist finally condemned the sinking of the
3 Wlio have lost their sight while fighting for their Lusitania in a sentence which deserves to pass into history. ' It is
country, and I can imagine no book that should bring to ^orse than a crime— it is a blunder.' "—Liverpool Daily Post.
them a more heartening message of hope and comfort.
The Sword of Youth (MACMILLAN), the story of a young
recruit in the Confederate Army of the war of North and
History had already anticipated this brilliant mot.
Advice to certain highly-placed aliens: —
" Pull up your socks, now that you've lost your Garters."
MAY 26, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THK LONDON CHARIVARI.
401
CHARIVARIA.
TIIK KAISKK, it is said, lias decided to
strike off iill liritish princes from the
i-oll of the Order of the Black Kagle.
Now that this bird lias proved to he as
black as ho is painted this seems to bo
an act of common justice.
:|: :;:
'•',•
Wo arc sorry to see that it has heen
suggested that the German eagle on
Banbury Cross, placed there in 1885 to
commemorate the marriage of the
KAISKU'S father with the PHINCKSS
ROYAL, should be obliterated. It ought
not to be forgotten, difficult as it is to
realise now, that the KAISKU'S
parents were gentlefolk.
The Vossische Zeitung attempts
to make capital out of the fact that
Germany uses, according to recent
statistics, 22 Ibs. of soap per head
per annum, and England only \
20J Ibs. Even so the former
country does not seem to produce
very clean fighters.
By the way, at the annual meet-
ing of Messrs. Josm'H WATSON
AND SONS, soap-makers, the chair-
man stated that no fewer than
80 per cent, of their employees
had enlisted. We doubt, how-
ever, whether even these could
make a white man of the KAISER.
"KING OF GREECE IM-
PROVING"
Evening News.
This statement is, unfortunately,
misleading. His HELLENIC
MA.IKSTY, we understand, still
favours the Germans.
:;: :;:
Mr. EUSTACE MILES holds the
opinion that the meat diet of our
army prevents many men enlisting.
Alter this, and thousands of vegetarians
would take the field — and even eat it.
* =!>
While the notices stuck on the front
of taxi-cabs calling on men to enlist
are undoubtedly a good idea one can-
not help feeling now and then that
it is a pity that these appeals are
placed in such a position that the
young and able-bodied driver himself
cannot road them..,.
''V"
The Metropolitan Water Boai'd has
decided that, during the War, it is in-
advisable to continue the arrangement
under which the surface of some of the
Board's covered reservoirs is let to lawn
tennis clubs and for other sports. It
is not, we believe, generally known
that these reservoirs are searched every
day for submarines.
"How did the Trdii^i/lrnnin manage
to escape the submarines?" asks a cor-
respondent. Wo have heard, dear
friend, that she came across cleverly
disguised as a canoe.
-':'- '-'•'•
The KAISKU'S admirers are now
drawing attention to yet another proof
of his love of peace. His MA.IKSTY,
they are pointing out, strained every
nerve to prevent Italy becoming in-
volved in the War.
"BOOKS, PERIODICALS, &c.
HOUSES. — Job Ilors.-, and Sale Horses.
Messrs. Hilton continue to supply superior
Gtnnan (as wind clumges). "Gorr STBAFE ENGLAUD
Job Horses for any period, and also several
beautifully-matched Pairs and Single Horses
for Sale." — Morning Post.
The name Milton seems to have misled
our contemporary in classifying this
advertisement. The horses referred to
are not the poet's bays.
" Lady (27), who has suffered much in the
school of life (which deals out sweets to some,
and blows to others of its pupils!), will
willingly correspond stimulatingly with any
lonely Naval Officer who is humorous, hon-
>urable, idealistic, compassionate, and sincere.
(Lew laudable traits understaudingly over-
looked in consideration of aforesaid rare and
admirable qualities ! Honourable confidence
expected and reciprocated.
Sinceritn.'
T. P.'s Weekly.
If we know anything of the Navy,
" Sincerita's " correspondents will be
both numerous and humorous, though
we cannot answer for their " less
laudable traits."
UNBELLING A MOUSE.
" I ADMIT," said Arthur, "that for
picturesque appearance and dignified
movement Clara has it."
Clara, I should say, is my favourite
waitress. I do not go so far, however,
as to sit in Clara's sphere of intluence.
This is not because Rose is quicker, as
Arthur suggests, but because my angle
of vision includes a wider segment of
Clara's movements.
"I admit, too," he went on, "that
Arabella probably has a larger hoard of
unfinished socks than anyone in London.
And Gwendolen certainly holds the
record for breakages. But in an
emergency I would bet my last
puttee on Rose."
My attention was drawn to a
shy and nervous young man
seated near us, in the disputed
territory between two spheres.
He was evidently suffering from
a bitter sense of isolation.
Clara sailed past him. Arabella
nonchalantly " cast on " a new
sock. All about him people were
fed, but in spite of his miserable
efforts to secure attention he
remained without even a roll to
keep him company.
At last he looked at the bell
desperately. Then he fidgeted
with it. Then he struck it !
The effect was electrical. There
was a long painful silence — you
could almost hear Arabella drop
some stitches. The little man in
the corner ordered " Tea " in a
thin agitated voice instead of his
invariable " China tea." In a
hasty whisper I drew Arthur's
attention to a remarkable fact :
Clara was hurrying. The cashier
said " Thank you " to a customer.
Arabella, as I said, dropped
some stitches. Gwendolen dropped a
cup and saucer. Others came hurry-
ing from outlying parts of the room.
They gathered behind us. " Who did
it?" they asked each other in tense
whispers.
There was no need to ask. The miser-
able young man, covered with blushes up
to his ears, was trying to hide himself
behind a salt-cellar and a sugar-basin.
There were excited whispers. " What
shall we do?" "Give him last week's
buns." " Don't give him anything at
all." "Give him one of Amy's white
feathers." "Charge him double."
Across these distracted counsels
came Rose's calm decided voice. " Take
away his bell," she said.
"The simplicity of a great mind,"
whispered Arthur.
And slowly the restaurant resumed
its leisurely tinkling life.
VOL. CXLVIII,
402
PUNCH, OR TUP: LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAY 26, 1915.
THE WEEKLY ELUCIDATION.
(After the style of oitr leading strategic
journalist.)
THE \YKSTKHN FRONT.
THE elements of the situation in the
West — as lias heen previously remarked
in these notes — are of a very simple
nature. If my readers are not familial
with them by this time all I can say is
that I am not to blame. Nevertheless
let us reiterate. You have two forces
opposing each other upon a front that
rraches from Switzerland to the North
Sea. This is not a Campaign of
Envelopment or of Encirclement : there
is no immediate prospect of its becom-
ing a Campaign of Central Disruption
(a decision, as I may have said before,
can only be achieved by piercing or
turning the enemy's line); it is a Cam-
paign of Cumulative Propulsion. In a
word it is chiefly a matter of shoving.
This point is admirably illustrated by
an incident, reported in the official
communique of Thursday last, which on
a small scale gives the key to the whole.
This incident occurred in the sector
Cuielly-la-Maison, in a small salient,
which has been held by the French (as
a point d'appui) since the afternoon
of November 17th. It is a part of the
line remote from human agglomerations
(nothing would induce me to say towns)
and the subsoil varies to some extent.
The entire front affected was only
twenty-seven yards, and the forces
engaged cannot have been excessive,
but it will be worth our while to
examine this little action (which the
German wireless reports, by the
way, have absurdly compared with
Auerstadt).
Here you had part of a platoon of
French Territorials in occupation of a
short railway embankment just south
of Cuielly-la-Maison station. I must
describe the terrain in detail. To
the west of the embankment a little
octagonal meadow of about 4J acres
runs north and south, and the subsoil
is, for the most part, clay. The surface
of the meadow is undulating : it con-
tains an old poplar tree in the south-
east corner, and there used to be a
cow in it. On the other side of the
embankment — occupied up to 5 P.M.
on Wednesday last by part of the
32nd Division of Wiirtemburgers — is
a Cattleman's Shed. Two-thirds of a
kilometre to the north of this is a
Journeyman's Shop, and in close ad-
jacence to the left centre of the French
position you have a Railwayman's Hut.
Let us now examine the action in
considerable detail — even at the risk of
wearying my readers. The German
ttack began at dawn on the Wednes-
day, introduced by a heavy storm of
shell. (The reader will note that I
never write shells though I am always
willing to speak of propulsive i>.i'/>l<>-
sirt'.i.) Their reserves were no doubt
concealed in a leafy little dell (where I
used to gather primroses) 968 yards
oust of the Journeyman's Shop. The
subsoil in that direction is, curiously
enough, sand.
The French resistance must be dealt
with in still greater detail
(Deletion by Editor)
THE EASTERN FRONT.
Accounts of the fighting in the
Carpathians are, at the moment of
DIAGRAM 352.
compiling these Notes, — 10.27 P.M.
on Tuesday evening, unless my watch
is fast — of a rather conflicting nature.
The Eussian Effort in this direction,
which is neither an Initiative nor an
Aggressive, but a pure Offensive, has
brought about an instance of what is
known to strategists as the Waving
Line. (Arcola was a battle of the
waving line and the same may be said
to some extent of Bull Run ; NAPOLEON
was a master of this form of strategy,
though, it is true, he began to wave it
too soon at Leipzig.) We need not at
the moment concern ourselves with the
DIAGRAM 353.
operations in the Caucasus, where the
conflict has become purely a matter of
the Wobbling Front.
Now it must be manifest that a
waving line is not straight in the same
strict sense as a rigid line from point to
point is straight. Look at Diagram
352. (And here let me explain, in
response to many enquiries that have
reached me, that the fact that I
occasionally forget to stick into my
liagrams the letters referred to in my
Drochures is due to the enormous
pressure of work one has to get
through of a Tuesday evening. Let
me beg you yet again to get it into
your heads that we go to press on
Wednesday. Commanders in the field
must understand that operations under-
taken on that day must be carried over
till the following week.)
Dangerous salients will be observed
at the points A, B, C, D, E, F, etc.
Thus it comes about that a force
attacking in the direction of the arrow
at C (Diagram 353) is subject to a
devastating enfilading fire from J and
K. But at the same time a force at-
tacking at D is similarly subject to fire
from J2 and K2. But if this sort ol
thing goes on a point must arrive when
K will become involved with the hostile
force at J2, unless there is an Obstacle
on the line C — D. Now this is just
what seems to be going on at Pr/dcow,
the obstacle in this case being the dis-
used railway cutting at X (where I
have enjoyed many a picnic in my
childhood). Should the Austrians
succeed in establishing a bridge-head
on the far side of this obstacle, the
Russians replying by a counter-offen-
sive-defensive, the whole of this sector
of the line may become compromised.
This is all that can be usefully said of
the Eastern theatre at the moment of
writing — 10.59 P.M.
THE DARDANELLES.
On this question I can only say that
we have no news. The operations have
not been timed so as to suit this
journal.
THE SUPPLY OF BUTTONS.
Judging by correspondence that is
reaching me in enormous quantities
there is still a good deal of misappre-
hension in the public mind upon this
most vital point. So let me say briefly
that we do not guess, we know that
buttons are necessary for the equipment
of the German soldier. Also we do not
have to calculate, we know that even at
the rate of one button a man — surely a
conservative estimate, but it is well in
these matters always to weigh the scales
against one's hopes — four or five million
buttons must be already in the field.
Of two things one. Either the supply
is ample or it is not. I shall return to
this point next week.
THE QUESTION OF MORAL.
I am forced to reopen this question
in this week's Notes owing to the
prevalent ignorance and confusion as
to what is meant by moral (which, by
the way, I shall continue to spell with-
out an e). It must be remembered
that we have to deal with three
different aspects of moral — Political
Moral, Economic Moral, and Military
Moral. But as I learn that we are
just on the point of going to press I
am compelled to reserve what I have to
say to be dealt with in a forthcoming
lecture at Queen's Hall, a notice of
which will be found at the foot of this
page.
PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— MAY 2f>. 1915.
A GREAT TRADITION.
SHADE OF GARIBALDI. "ALL" ARMI 1 "
MAY 26, l'.H;ll
PUNCH, OK THK LONDON CIIAIM VAKf.
405
Dcnevoknt Visitor (to dame wlu> lias a son at Hie War). "CAN'T YOU TELL ME WHAT HE is IN? Is IT THE IXFANTRY, OR CAVALRY OB
ARTILLERY?"
Dame. "WELL, MUM, WHERE 'TIS I DON'T EXACTLY BELONG TO REMEMBER. BUT I KNOW 'TIS SIIOOTIN'."
THE WATCH DOGS.
XIX.
BEAR CHARLKS, — Since I last wrote
to you my time has been almost ex-
clusively devoted to that peculiarly
< ilTunsive animal the clicval de frise. Of
the many unpleasant things one may
meet on a dark night in these parts, this
is quite the worst. It has four long
wooden legs, two at each end: it
measures anything from ten to thirty
feet in length, and consists almost en-
tirely of harhed wire. It is only the
piecing thought of the annoyance it
will i-iiuso to any Germans who step
across from over the way to call upon
us that enahles us to bear with it while
we convey it from our local base to the
trench, for some hundreds of yards along
the trench, and finally over the parapet
into the open beyond. During this
period it displays — what no doubt it
supposes to be its charm — an affec-
i ionate, flinging mood. To every tele-
phone wire, clothes line, pole, prop,
sandbag or person within reach it
attaches itself tenaciously, and, if only
you would keep these letters of mine to
yourself, I could entertain you for an
hour with the language in which Joe
Bailey, Jim Perry, Harry Hughes and
one Bolter address it.
The other night I was assisting the
operations of these four stalwarts of
mine in front of the parapet, where
deadly silence is enjoined and observed
lest star shells, search-lights, bullets,
shrapnel, high explosives, hand grenades,
rifle grenades and what-nots ensue, when
feelings reached a crisis. The last straw
broke the back of the camel, and a score
of sentries, listening in the night for the
slightest sound, were startled by " a
voice without " saying in tones rather
louder than those of ordinary conver-
sation : — " 'Oo are yer ketchin' at ? I
ain't no bloomin' Bosch." My sympa-
thies were so much with the speaker
that I could but forgive him his sin
and his imprudence even while we lay
with heating hearts upon the ground,
waiting for the sequel.
There is a tale current hero of the
dismal fate of certain of the enemy who,
after no less toil and suffering, had
established their cheval in front of
their parapet by night. Conceive their
feelings at daylight on observing the
faithless monster posted as a bulwark
in front of our English trenches, whither
they had been removed !
We have had a curious instance of
the upside-down nature of things now
prevailing. Four of us were dozing in
the bright sun of a Sunday afternoon,
just as you might be doing in your
own cabbage patch. Suddenly a bullet
passed over the parapet, and with no
more than a matter of inches between
itself and my skipper's ear. His in-
difference to these little varmints is
usually such that we were not a little
surprised to see him leap nervously to
one side. Apology was offered as ho
settled down again. " Sorry," he said,
" I thought it was a wasp."
You will like to hear the details of a
recent enquiry touching the death of
a certain horse in the transport lines,
an event undoubtedly due to rifle fire,
406
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAY 26, 1915.
since the shots were heard. This Is the
explanation of the sentry (apparently
selected from the transport section)
who caused it : — " I sees a suspicious
bloke walking along bc'ind the linos. I
to 'ii'i, 'Alt! 'oo are yor?' lie
making no response I lets off me rifle,
not taking any particuler aim like."
"But did you shoot, high or low?" ho
was asked. " Mostly low like, Sir,
whereupon down drops the horse."
" But what about the subsequent
shots ? " lie was asked. " Well, Sir,"
be says, " I takes me rifle hunder me
harm, in the horthodox fashion, and
presses down the leaf, whereupon off it
goes again, so I ses to the other "
•' What other?" "The
suspicious-looking bloke ;
he'd run up to see what
the trouble was. ' 'Ere,
Bill,' I ses, ' for 'eaven's
sake take this gun off
me; it's going off of its
own." "
And if it interests you
to study the native
method of speech you
will also like to hear of
my servant who has just
brought me a tidy little
canvas bag, officially
issued and technically
known as an Emergency
Ration Carrier But he
has no use for technical
terms. " What 's this,
Joseph ? " I ask him.
' To put summat in
i'eat," says he.
Lastly a quotation
from a slightly better
educated member of my
alatoon. He is writing
;o a quondam friend,
and is entering into the
recent letters. It took the happy shape
of a neat box containing the soap,
candles, sweetmeats and toothpicks, and
labelled " From CHARLES to HENRY."
1 have my reasons for knowing it was
not yourself, but someone masquerad-
ing under your name who sent it.
Emboldened by this success, I venture
now to indent on the same source for a
dozen saddles of real mutton, five hun-
dred real bundles of asparagus, a fifty-
gallon cask of iced champagne cup and
a hot bath ; carriage, if you please,
prepaid.
In the matter of parcels our Signal
officer has just taken a toss, at which
we are all secretly pleased since he has
ield to take part in a serious conflict
Between that friend and his family at
lome in the matter of a certain
passing in the street with never so
nuch as a nod of recognition.
will observe that this
iOur abroad hasn't
>ressed the
lome life). " For my part,"' he writes,
i_ i • » * .
(You
jolly little
altogether sup-
more serious quarrels of
ud I simply must divulge it, however
ndiscreet, " for my part," he writes in
an extremely dignified conclusion, " I
value our friendship very highly, but I
egret to say that, unless some steps
are taken by you in the matter, that
riendship will not continue when I
eturn to England, an event which,
udging from the infernal noise going
n in the distance, is never likely to
iappen."
I have received an unexpected
esponse to the touching appeal for
ddments contained in one of my
BOMBS.
Molly has been staying with her
uncle. There had been a slight shower
of bombs near her home, and as the
barometer still indicated " Fair to Xep-
peliny," her mother thought it best to
remove temptation out of the way of
the Germans.
Molly's uncle lives a retired life with
his liver. He is on speaking terms
with most of his internal organs, knows
the name, position and for what noted
of each, and takes a tahlespoonful after
every meal.
As for Molly, well, she is fifteen, and
she has blue laughing eyes with imps
in them, and usually a
hole in one or other of
her stockings. When-
ever she chases the hole
from her stockings she
always finds it again in
her gloves, also the other
way about.
You know when a
cyclone blows open the
front-door, slams all the
other doors in the house
and distributes things?
Well, in such wise was the
coming of Molly to her
uncle's house; she just
blew in. She left the
door wide open, gave her
uncle two lyddite kisses,
hung her hat and cloak
on the floor, and placed
the mud from her boots
on the brass fender to
dry.
All her uncle's internal
organs immediately
jumped up and told him
to " Shut that door,"
which he did, and then
hitherto achieved a perfection, almost < he inquired after her mother. Molly
OUR PEACEFUL HEROES.
Farmer (visiting " War Fund Sale of Work" in strange village).
'AND
WHO BE THAT PARSON WORKING HIS HANDS LIKE A FURRINER?"'
Friend. "THAT'S OUR CURATE. THEY DO SAY HE'S HAD MORE WOOL
WOUND ON HIM THAN ANYONE IN THE COUNTRY."
priggish, in his Private Supply Depart-
ment. For instance within forty-eight
hours of the first foul gas being used
by the first foul German, he was
supplied by relatives with no fewer
than twenty-seven respirators, all for
his personal use and of different design;
that supplied by his paternal grand-
mother was of such solid worth that
no wearer of it could possibly ever
breathe chlorine, bromine or anything
else. This time, a niece, hearing of
pur want of fresh meat and vegetables
said her mother was busy catching
rheumatism in the cellar, thank you.
She had fitted a shade to the night-
light and was quite cheerful.
How did she pass the time ? Well,
sometimes she sits and thinks and some-
times she sits,
she comes out
Oh, no! not all day;
when she thinks the
Germans are not looking.
Next day Molly's uncle was a little
late for breakfast, so she put his lightly-
boiled egg into his table-napkin to keep
warm. Unfortunately he was not in
in the trenches, sends him, neatly and ' the best of humours and when he testily
Lnoii<Tnf,fiillArT\a*iVfir1 i»-\ Kli,,, ,,.., . -1 1 xi r _i j _ * i i • i _**_
thoughtfully packed in blue paper and j flicked open the napkin he was quite
pink ribbons, a Maconochie Meat and ! surprised at the pattern the lightly-
Vegetable ration (one tin). No doubt i boiled egg made on the wall. He looked
she had scoured all London for it ; but j at it as if he expected it to speak first.
As Molly said, it is extraordinary
how much of an egg there is when you
spread it out. Her uncle rang the bell
to show it to the maid. She seemed
out here in Flanders you can have a
million of them thrown at you any-
where for the asking.
Yours ever, HENRY.
MAY 26, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
407
to think a lot of it. Molly's uncle
mentioned that tho confounded egg
lui'l gono on to the confounded wall.
Ho insisted upon showing her how ho
had done it; ho had just flicked the
napkin -like that. Hut what pu/zled
tho maid was what master hud
aimed at.
Molly's uncle soon got inlo the habit
of forming opinions about Molly. The
day ho found her hatpin for her he
formed one. Ho found it quite easily,
though certainly it mot him half-way.
The way you do it is to get out of a
chair very hurriedly, and there it is all
the time, under tho hat.
Then there was the half-crown. Of
course it couldn't ho lost really. If
everything else were turned out of tho
house on to the lawn, why there it
would be — -the one thing loft. Her
uncle found it for her when he tripped
up over the wool ; by pressing one eye
on tho floor he could see it with tho
other.
Before he fell he told her as quickly
as ho could that if she would always
place the ball of wool in her lap it
wouldn't get wrapped round her ankles'
uncles: ho then clutched at something
he thought he saw in the air, missed it,
did tho exercise for strengthening the
muscles of the back, taking your time
from me, and delivered the ball with a
break from tho leg.
Molly's mother had said that her
undo would find her a bright little
thing and very unselfish.
She was ; she gave some chocolates
to a man in the pit tho evening her
uncle took her to the pantomime.
Molly was in the front row of tho
dress circle at the time. They were
cream chocolates, and when they hit
they dum-dummed. The man in the
pit looked up, rubbed his head and
then looked at his fingers ; he did it
twice to make sure.
Molly's uncle said it might just as
•well have been the opera-glasses, but
by that time the man had changed
places with his wife; the same happy
thought had occurred to him.
The man doesn't like chocolates that
way. He looked up to say something
he had thought of, but when he saw
Molly's deeply repentant look, beseech-
ing forgiveness, ho just nodded and
smiled. You see it is War-time.
When it is raining hard, it is waste
of time to stand at the window barking
at the weather.
So Molly just let the canary out of the
and spent the rest of the morning
putting it back again.
It is no good climbing up the curtains
as it does not come down when thev
do.
Molly found this out quite early
A
Private of Motor Cycle Corps. "Yes, Sin, I'VE A FINE LOT OF KIDDIES AT HOME, AND
NO FAVOURITES AMONO THEM. BUT OP COURSE WE 'HE MOKE INTERESTED IN THE 1915
MODEL THAN IN THE EARLIER ONES."
on, and then her uncle came to help
her.
He said that if tho wretched bird
had not been let out of the wretched
cage — and then rang for the cook.
Cook evidently knew the game quite
well ; in fact she almost as much as
said her handicap was sixteen.
You do it with a step-ladder whilst
someone holds your apron. Molly's
uncle had never seen his cook standing
on a step-ladder with a birdcage in one
hand and a piece of sugar in the other,
murmuring " Sweet, sweet."
He was interested.
In fact he tried to help by standing
in the middle of the room holding a
piece of groundsel over his head.
But this was too much for his liver.
It took him on one side and said gently
but firmly, "I've had enough of this,
— do you hear me? Telegraph to the
girl's mother at once, I say, and offer
to change places with her. What 'a
; that you say? Bombs? Look here,
dear old thing, you've lived with me
1 long enough to know me ; do you
, seriously think a German bomb would
have the slightest effect upon me? I
put it to you now as liver to man.
Bombs indeed ! I like that."
Molly saw her uncle off at the station :
she said he was doing a noble deed.
Her uncle smiled at her, and as the
train was going out his liver actually
I waved his hand.
408
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAY 26, 1915.
SONGS OF THE EMPIRE.
OIK contemporary. ,S'/>/«.v/V.-i HVr/,7//
of Sydney. N.SAV., under the heading
"Till: Bookshelf," writes us follows: —
"A local application of the War is
to hand in a little book of verses liv
Dorothy Frances McCrae, the talented
daughter of one of the most culturei
cf Australian poets, George Gordon
Mc-Crae. Soltlirr, Mil Sulilifi' ! is tin
appropriate title of this hook, which
contains thirteen excellent little poems
specially concerned with the Expe-
ditionary Force, and giving the women's
view of the situation, calling forth so
signal a display of patriotism. The
hook is very artistically printed, and
has an attractive pictorial cover in two
colours, with ribbon, and is published
at a shilling. It is sure to be very
popular. Here is a sample of the
verges : —
Pack his shirt in prayers,
Cast lavender away ;
Do not drop your tears
On the mufflers grey —
Put a pile of pluck and joy
In the kit you pack your boy.
That is the tone of all the poems — a
patriotic fervour, a depth of restrained
feeling."
Our readers, however, must not be
under the misapprehension that Miss
McCRAE alone of Colonial writers has
stepped into the artistic field opened
up by the War. Thus in Canada Miss
Margery Morne, daughter of the well-
known historian, Dr. Macnamara
Morne, of Toronto, moved by an in-
spiration which we can only charac-
terise as prodigious, has published a
dainty volume, appropriately called
Heroes All, to celebrate the departure
of one of the Canadian contingents.
This little work, which is charmingly
hound in detachable skunk moccasins
for the convenience of travellers, is
sold at one shilling net. We give an
excerpt which admirably illustrates
the high quality of the workmanship
displayed in the ten excellent little
poems which the book contains : —
Heroes all, heroes all,
At home do not stay !
Answer to your Kmpirc's call,
Plunge into the fray !
Do not stop at home in bed !
Go and punch a German head !
In New Zealand Miss Esmeralda
Xadwick, daughter of the great and
well-known musical genius and entre-
preneur, Erasmus Zadwick, has electri-
fied and delighted the critics by pro-
ducing, under the pseudonym of " True
Bluebell," a curiously fascinating hook
of patriotic verse entitled Brave Holt/in:
The designer of the cover is to he con-
gratulated on his happy taste, for it re-
presents KING (IK(>H(JK and Mr. MASKKY
(Premier of New Zealand) shaking
hands across a picture of II. M.S. New
/ji'ulund, whilst beside them a Britisl
lion is fraternising with a kiwi (the
New Zealand national bird). The fol-
lowing verso may bo quoted as showing
.Miss Xadwick's marvellous grasp o
the technique of versification : —
English soldiers, French soldftts,
And the warriors of the C/AR,
God be with you in the War.
Kurope need not feel a fear,
For our soldiers brave are there ;
And we at home are doing our share,
Packing in a tidy box
Flannel shirts and warm thick seeks,
To keep our soldiers' feet from knocks.
There is in this poem, as in the others, a
fine spiritof courageous altruism shining
through the inspired words, which is all
the more remarkable as Miss Zadwick
is only eleven years and seven months of
age. She is, however, a linguist of no
small attainments, speaking fluently
both Low and High German, Tamil,
Gaelic, Maori and Tierra del Fuegesc,
in addition to her native English. She
is also a performer of no mean order
on the bass fiddle.
We are glad to receive from Fiji the
first-fruits of the pen of Miss Daisy
Dunkley ; we say the pen, although in
fact it appears that her composition
was taken down in writing by her
father at the young lady's dictation.
The performance of this talented new
authoress is all the more noteworthy
and startling because she has barely
attained the age of nine months. Her
father, however, Mr. David Dunkley,
a prominent member of the Suva
"hamber of Commerce, has for years
been a constant contributor to the open
columns of The Ifiji Times, and it is
thought by students of heredity that
iiis transcendent literary genius has
communicated itself to his daughter.
Be this as it may, the book, which
contains no fewer than fifty-three poems
of the highest order, has reached us for
review, and we find it somewhat diffi-
cult adequately to express our admira-
tion for it. The binding is most taste-
:ul and attractive, being composed of
cocoanut fibre delicately plaited over a
^landsome vellumesque cover, prepared
'rom hippopotamus-skin, with a back-
ng of pulped banana. What makes
ibis little book all the more delightful
[though perhaps less easy of under-
standing to the average reader) is the
fact that Miss Dunkley, with a mastery
of language rare in one so young, has
composed all her poems in the Cristo-
colombo dialect of the Solomon Islands,
i language which for soft vowel sounds
uid harmonious quantities has no equal
n the world. The very name of the
book, Urn Borrowee Boo (i.e. The Human
Sacrifice), whilst possessing that sooth-
ing quality so dear to the ear of the
true poet, yet contrives to contain also
a scathing condemnation of German
military methods and manners. We
append the poem called "Umbo Upoo'
(i.e. "Our Soldiers") as being the best
of a very good collection : —
UMBO UPCO.
Umbo Upoo gag-gug-gar
Ogglim fysh Luko
Marpit ologag phumphphuphlar
Umbo garubbaboo.
Of which the following is a translation
obligingly furnished by Mr. David
Dunkley himself : —
Our soldiers are very brave, even brave as lions,
But they must have coats, these gallants, lest
they perish.
Pack shirts therefore (carefully addressed), O
old women !
Soldiers I forget not the changing of garments
when wet.
From this sampleour readers can readily
see for themselves the fervour of white-
hot patriotism in which the poems
were composed.
In spite of her tender years, Miss
Dunkley shows high promise as a
linguist. She is undoubtedly a patriot
and an Empire-builder of the first rank,
and, although she cannot as yet play a
note on the bass fiddle, she is without
doubt a most talented performer in the
bassinette.
Home Rule in Operation.
' ' The Irish Ambassador called at the Foreign
Office this afternoon and had a long interview
with Sir Edward Grey." — South Wales Ecltc.
" s.o.s.
BELLOC
IS COMINCl TO DUBLIN."
Times,
We learn, with considerable relief, that
;his is not a despairing cry for help
against a coming danger. " S.O.S.," it
seems, has been chosen as the motto of
a charity bazaar at which Mr. BKLLOC
s to speak.
"Paris, Tuesday. — An enemy airship was
reported in the district of Compicgnu Dam-
nartin this evening. The prescribed pm-;ni-
ions were immediately taken. The police
irdered all lights to be extinguished, and crows
collected in all open spaces to watch a squadron
of French aircraft perform its evolnt inn-
city." - Edinliiiryk fr'.reniiig I)i'x/.i'i!rli.
How these patriotic birds must have
onged to join in the chase of the
German "doves."
"Lovers of Shaksperian drama will find
ne of that poet's immortal works, ' David
Tiirrick,' presented at the Lyric Picture
Theatre, Symonds Street, Auckland."
Auckland Weekly Neirs.
.t is pleasing to learn of one Shak-
sperian drama whose authorship will
lot he challenged by the Baconians.
MAY 2C,,
PUNCH, Oil TIIK LONDON CIIAKI VAIM.
40;)
RECESSIONAL.
CAII whistles weie shrieking and
shrilling on every side. The ram was
pouring. Commissionaires and other
theatre aiVmlants were darting away
and returning clinging to the side* (if
taxis. The lobby was a crush of white
shirtcd men and low necked women in
wraps. Tlie pavements wen; iilled
with passers-by. Under all the awn-
ings people were massed. Unihrelhis
glistened,
In short, the conditions were ripe for
taking a backward step in civilian! i. m
and hailing a hansom ; and this is
what 1 did.
It was my lirst hansom for five or
si.x years, and the sensation of being
so near to the hindquarters of that,
dangerous animal the horse, and having
no buffer state in the person of a driver,
was alarming. At every slip it seemed
inevitable that the horse would fall.
He slid and sprawled and swerved
until I was sure my end had come:
all so different from the steady rigid
progress and security <>f a motor.
None the less, he did not fall, and by
degrees I won back some confidence,
and, the rain having ceased, leaned
i vi i the doors and began rather to like
the fresh air and my romantic perch.
The taxi, J mused, is no such private
box at the comedy of the streets a? a
hansom is. There is no invigoration
in a taxi, except possibly for the driver.
The past surged hack. I thought of
hansom rides in the days, and even
more in the nights, when all the world
was young and WILLIAM II. of Ger-
many was more or less a decent fellow.
I remembered this fair companion and
that . . . Jolly things hansoms, then.
Absolutely made for two. The horse's
jingling bell brought to mind so much
that was merry and mad . . . Those
bells use:! to be almost the sweetest
instrument in the London orchestra.
Hooting horns are a sad declension.
Suddenly I had a return of panic,
but of a different kind. How on earth
should 1 know what to pay him? I
wondered, recalling old arguments with
drivers which the introduction of the
taximeter had made impossible for so
many \ears now. I felt in my pocket.
1 had only two half-crowns; they
were my sole silver coins; and the fare
in a taxi would be one-and-l'our and
twopence tip : one-and-sixpence. Would
the hansom driver haveashillingchange
for one of my half-crowns, and would
he give it me if he had'.' So my
t bought s ran on, and 1 laughed to think
how the past was all reconstructing
itself ; for that is how I used to specu-
late on the way home, almost regularly,
years a^n, when half-crowns were fewer,
Mcl'herson (seeing his nephew off by steamer). "AN* FUR FEAR YE MBET wi" ONY o'
TIIKY GERMAN SUBMARINES, HERB'S A BRAW LIFE-SAVIN' WAIS'CUT. THEY TEH, MB
THEY'RE VEIIRA EFFICACIOUS."
DotUlld. "WHA'8 GOTTEN THF. REST O' THE SUIT?"
too. I found myself rather enjoying
the situation. Is it all to the good, I
wondered, that the machinery of the ]
taximeter should have banished these
tremendous dubieties? Has life really
improved ? Has it ?
" How much shall I give you ? " I
asked the driver when we stopped.
" I '11 leave it you," ho said, as I
guessed he would.
But I did not pay him at once ; 1
had questions to be answered.
" How 's business ? " I asked.
" Pretty poor," he replied. " Wet
nights are all right ; but they don't
come too often. I wait for hours for a
fare some days. Some days I don't
get one."
" Then how on earth do you live ? "
I asked him.
" We rub along," he said.
But by what means I could not for
the life of me see.
" \Vhy don't you learn to drive a
taxi ? " I asked.
" I don't seem to want to," he replied.
" It 's not my line. Horses is my
line."
" But it 's the taxis that are too
much for you," I said. " It 's they that
are doing you in."
" That 's right," lie said. " As cabs
they beat us every time. They 're
quicker, and they tell you what to pay.
But there 's one way in which we beat
them."
410
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAY 26, 1915.
Jack (just turned fifteen). "MOTHEB, ABE YOU POSITIVE YOU HAVEN'T MADE A MISTAKE ABOUT MY AGE? You KNOW HOW CASUAL
YOU ABE ABOUT DATES."
" Is there? " I asked. " I can't see
what it is."
" As curiosities," he explained.
" We 're curiosities, we are, and that 's
our only chance when it isn't raining
at eleven o'clock at night. People
take to us the same as they go to
Madame TUSSAUD'S or the British
Museum. Country people, I' mean ;
and people from Australia. ' Let 's
have a hansom ride,' they say, ' while
we can. Just to say we 've had one.'
Then there 's people who want their
children to do what they used to do
when they were children themselves.
And I had a gent the other day who
wanted to be driven all over the place,
just, as he called it, to renew the
past. But I think he was a bit up
the pole. What do you think ? "
"Undoubtedly," I replied.
And then I said good-night, and he
drove off; and when I was inside the
house I found that in some mysterious
way I had given him the second half-
crown as well as the first.
Perhaps that is how it is that they
can still keep going.
IN PRAISE OF THE TAPE.
I 'M going to give up the daily Press
And study the tape instead ;
'Tis the only way at this time of day
To steady and keep one's head ;
The tape is bad for the eyes, I own,
And it sometimes runs amok ;
But its negative virtues fully atone
For the tricks that are played by
Puck.
The tape that I mean is not the
machine
At the club, that reels out slips
Of the width of garters, with names of
starters
And winners, and racing tips;
No, this yields volumes in type-script
columns
Of war-news, great and small,
Which the porter tears off and duly
bears off
To pin them up in the hall.
The tape is unable to print a map,
But it never raves or squeals ;
It has no novelist critic on tap
And you can't peruse it at meals ;
It gives the official news without
Superfluous gloss or frills,
And it hangs no headline horrors out
Like the ye.low newspapers' bills.
Some terrible phrases, as common as
daisies,
Embroider each War-scribe's screed,
And the tape hitherto has contrived to
eschew
The worst of this baleful breed ;
(If any one here is not quite clear
And for information begs,
I allude to the making of omelettes
and breaking
Of antecedent eggs).
If I were in charge of the Press Bureau
Instead of pulling our legs
I 'd lay a ban on each newspaper man
Who wrote of omelettes and eggs ;
And if I were KITCHENER I 'd deport,
To the land of the Tosks and Ghogs,
The novelist corps who exploit the War
And deluge the Press with their dregs.
Editorial Candour.
" Beyond that all is rumour, and we trust
and believe unfounded rumour." — The Times.
1TNOH, Oil TIIK LONDON CHARIVARI.— MAY 26, 1915.
WANTED, A LEAD.
MR. PCNCH (to the PRIME MISISTEH). " YOU CAN GET ALL THE WILLING SEEVICE YOU
NEED, SIR, IP YOU'LL ONLY ORGANISE IT. TELL EACH MAN OF US WHAT IS
WANTED OF HIM, AND HE'LL DO IT"
MAY 2(1, 1'J l/i.]
on TIIK LONDON CHARIVARI.
413
ESSENCE OF PARLIA-
MENT.
(KX'IIIACI I. II K1UIM MM: I>UK',
TOHY, M.I'.)
of ('nlllllliill.i, Mull'/ii/f,
of Mm/. In Commitl
Bill f.ir rest i icting sale of imma-
ture spirits ; slack attendance; dul-
iicss predominant. Champions of
Tlio Trade don't, like the Bill ;
responsible Members of Opposition
content -with offering rrit ieism ami
making |)rotest. KI:IOS moved
amendment reducing period of
retention of ne\v spirit in bond
from tlireo year's to two. Arsriov
CHA.MKKKLAIN, while not hopeful
of any ^rent n^ult, iVom operation
of t he liill, declared it "impossible
lo coiilemplate dividing the I louse
on a question of this kind."
To prevailing dolour CHANCKLLOB
OK 'nil: KxriiKQrmi appreciably
contril)iited. Generally brisk and
cheery, he remained throughout in
despondent mood. Understood his
original proposal for dealing with
Drink question was overruled by
by his description to-night of
measure under discussion as
" salvage from a wreck, so battered
that it could hardly be recognised
what part of the vessel it formed."
" I would like," ho added, " to
have gorre much farther, and still
regret it could not be done."
Thereafter, while amendment was
discussed, sat in moody silence, a
picture of depression that recalled
Mm. Qummidge at her worst.
"He's thinking of the Old "Un,"
whispered PRIME MINISTER aside to
PJIKSIDENT OF BOARD OF TRADE seated
on his left.
" \\ hat, the drastic scheme we shrank
from adopting':' "
I'HKMIKK nodded assent.
li/ixiiii:in done. — Immature Spirits
(Restriction) Bill passed through
Committee.
'/'/« •.«/,(//._ Talk about reconstruction
of Ministry.
Mr. IIocoK convinced that some-
thing should he done. Looks a ticklish
job, but. as he says, firmly approach
it and ditliculties will dissolve. For
full measure of success everything will
depend upon selection made, alike in
matter of ousting Ministers now in
ollice and picking out men to replace
them. Of course ASQUITH must go.
For himself, though something of a
Radical, Mr. I lotion admits a perhaps
natural leaning towards hereditary
claims of royally. (',•!, fix fi/iriliiin, or,
to put it in frank English, other things
being equal, he cannot help thinking
altar of his country) lend to the
Premiership added strength in the
Cabinet, wider popularity through-
out the country. In this con-
M Mr. llorii.i; ^-11 ugly holds
the view that the reigning mon-
archs of to-day are mere mush-
rooms compared with the line of
O(i, King ot liashan.
HANM:I. Hoo'm doesn't think
there's very much in that. What
is rather needed to strengthen tho
Government in time of national
peril is the addition to its ranks
of a man of independent character,
wide views and the gift of dis-
cursive speech.
Mr. KIN<; has his own opinions.
A man intimately familiar with
domestic affairs in territories
stretching from China to Peru,
who moreover was upon occasion
ready to pose a Minister with
queries dealing with the mihutiffi
of domestic matters in country
parishes — such a man, he ven-
tures to think, is the sort calcu-
lated to raise the Government from
the lamentable level toward which
it is daily sinking.
" What is really wanted," said
Bv-YouR-LEiK-JoNEs, " is a man
at the head of affairs capable of
subordinating everything to one
great purpose. I — and in this
matter perhaps I may be said to
represent the nation — have no
that a direct descendant of one of the ' patience with a rum-and-milk policy,
oldest royal dynasties would (if he ! Let us have ruin or milk."
could be found, and were disposed to ! It is recognised that what HANDEL
THE OPTIMIST.
" The root cause of the trouble is not apathy or lack
Cabinet. Support given to rumour o( P«trio'ism. but over-security and over-confidence."
Tlic Times.
Munition-worker (complacently). " WHAT'S TUB
WORRY, GUVNOR? TnK WAR'S COIN' ALL RIGHT —
WE FVK GOT 'KM BEAT."
Sir J. Simon. "LooK HKBK, MY MAN. I 'VB HAD
TO PUT A STOP TO THE SALE OF IMMATURE WHISKY ;
HADN'T Y«U BETTER KNOCK OFF INDULGING IN
1'RKMATUHE SPIRITS?"
sacrifice personal inclination on the
A COALITION MINISTRY.
John Bull adopts the old Roman stylo.
" THEN NONE WAS FOR A PARTY,
THEN AM, WKHK KOK TIIK STATE."
Lays of Ancient Rome.
last night hailed as " a united Ministry
that is coming and will come before
long," must be partly recruited
from the Benches opposite. In view
of this contingency KINLOCH COOKK
would like it known in the proper
quarter that no personal prejudice in
] favour of one Department of the State
or another would stand for a moment
in the way of his ol>edience to the call
of duty. Whilst, like the late Lord
JOHN RUSSELL, he is prepared to take
command of the Channel Fleet at ten
minutes' notice, he is equally ready to
relieve Lord KITCHENER of tho burden
of responsibility which the War Office
imposes.
Sir JOHN EEES would not go so far
as that. He holds the opinion that
if by chance a man, with whatsoever
measure of universal knowledge, super-
adds a speciality of information in a
particular field, it is there he has the
fullest opportunity of saving the State.
Incidentally, he is reminded that after
long secretarial service under successive
Governors of Madras he himself was
for a brief period Resident in Travancore
and Cochin. Lord CKEWE may be all
PUNCH OR THE LONDON CITARIVAR
-g,VN./V(/*tC_ I"1" lfc*'
S«bm(to young far,™ who has called to a-rranje for the christening of his child). "DOANJEE BBINO 'E TOOSDAY-YIOAB BE FISHING
O' TOOSDAY."
Fanner. "WELL, THEN, SAY MONDAY."
Sexton. " NOA— NOT MONDAY. FONT 'LL BE FULL o' MINNOWS MONDAY.'
very well in his way. But what could
he know of India who only India knew ?
Business done. — In House of Lords
K. OP K. made interesting, cheering
statement on progress of War. Summed
up progress in the field during last few
weeks. Has successfully taken the form
of " a vigorous offensive " carried on by
concerted plans between General JOFFRE
and Sir JOHN FRENCH. Delay in pro-
ducing adequate supply of ammunition
admitted. Confident that, " in very near
future," position in this respect will be
satisfactory. Announced reprisals in
matterof useof poisonous gas ; concluded
by demand for additional 300,000 men.
Wednesday. — Talk about recon-
struction of Ministry, noted yesterday,
taken sudden turn. Definitely decided
upon. Negotiations in progress with
view to forming a Government recruited
from Opposition camp. Oddly enough
in course of speculation as to identity
of new Ministers no mention made of
names of any of the Members whose
personal views have been conjectured
above.
Business done. — Adjourned for Whit-
sun recess. Convenient interval for
reconstructing Ministry.
Humour in Scotland.
"PARENTS are WARNED to PREVENT
CHILDREN from TRESPASSING in FIELDS at
LOCHBANK, Castle-Douglas, in search of COW-
SLIPS, as cvie of the Cows is DANGEROUS to
STRANGERS." — Kirkcudbrightshire Advertiser.
+
" AN ODDMAN for London, titled gent.,
12s 6d wk., clean knives, &c.— Collins' Agency,
Camb." — Cambridge Daily News.
In these hard times some of our needy
aristocrats may be glad of the chance.
"Mr. Runciman, too, had said much the
samnhtmgie oh oh antonio the in said much
the same thing." — " Tlie Times" of Ceylon.^
It is pleasant to have the compositor's
lightsome comment on his own blunder
enshrined for us in print.
" The Tinks are now a beaten nation, they
have very greatly sinned, and their pins will
now have to he paid for in full."
Tiie Planterstt Commercial Gazette (Mauritius) .
Tink! Tink! one can almost hear the
pin-money dropping.
From a notice of Mr. STEPHEN
PHILLIPS' Armageddon : —
" There is a prologue and an epilogue, the
scene of which is laid in Hell. I may inentioi
that the language of Hell is blank verse."
Manchester Guardian.
Most appropriate: the blanks can be
filled in according to taste.
A South Australian Corresponden
sends us the subjoined paragraphs, anc
asks "which of these is the 'howler'?'
"GERMAN TIGS IN BELGIUM.
LONDON, April 1.
The ' Daily Mail ' war correspondent state
that, owing to the shortage of fodder in Ger
many, nearly a million German pigs ar
billeted in Belgium."
The Adelaide Advertiser.
"FEEDING THE ENEMY.
LONDON, April 1.
The London Daily Mail states that in con
sequence of the shortage of food in German}
nearly 1,000,000 German soldiers are billeter
in Belgium."— T}ie Adelaide Register.
We believe The Advertiser s version i
correct, but The Register's was in th
circumstances a venial error.
MAY 26, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR TIIK LONDON CIFARI VA1M.
415
AT THE FRONT.
KVKH since I gave up working and
lierame a soldier I have longed to lie
in charge of an outpost. Then at last
I felt I should get clear about the
relations of its curious component
parts. Can you, for instance, I have
wondered, draw on your fatigue men
for sentries over reconnoitring patrols?
If you can't, you have twenty idle
men and fifty vacant jobs ; if you can,
you liavo twenty men far too busy
doing tho fifty jobs. It didn't seem
quite satisfactory either way. I felt it
must be one of those arrangements
that are right enough in practice but
break down when you come to theory.
I wanted the tiling to play with a little
by myself.
Not until three days ago, however,
was I ever in charge of any such thing ;
then to my great joy, instead of going
back to the enervating influence of our
hillei.-!, I was sent to look after twenty
men and one outpost.
Frankly I am disappointed. I don't
believe it is an outpost. I don't believe
it ever was an outpost. The twenty
men are there all right. True, I "m
always losing one or two in the straw,
but they turn up again at rifle in-
spection. I don't really complain of
the men ; it 's the apparatus that 's
all wrong. The post — I won't call it
" out " any more ; if I qualified it at all
I should call it an inpost — consists of
a stable, two cupboards, and a cellar.
There used to be a house, too, facing
towards Germany, but I can't find it
anywhere now.
So much for the actual post. Now
for us. We never reconnoitre, we
never patrol, we never picket and we
hardly ever fatigue. One sentry, and
he by night only, watches over the
entire proposition. If you were to
enter suddenly you would fancy you
had stumbled upon a homoeopathic
hospital for the treatment of sleeping
sickness — in short, non outpost sed
bedpost.
The reasons for this scandalous state
of affairs are twain. In the first place
\M' have a whole firing line some hun-
dreds of yards in front of us. So the
chances against the Bosch arriving
onbeknownstlike (as the corporal puts
it) are less large than might appear if
1 were to swank to you that we were
>•<••! II i/ an outpost. In the second place
the disintegration of the house that used
to face (lei-many, and a considerable
accumulation of sizeable craters round
about, sugge-it. that it would ho unwise
for us to advertise our presence. We
are, in fact, a sort of ambush. The
men are first -class at ambushing, so
far as wo have gone at present.
Snuill 1'atriot. "On, PLEASE DO TAKE MY BEAT."
To leave the post by day you must
crawl out through a hole in the wall,
and carry on through fourteen other
holes in walls to a point some hundred
yards in rear. You may then walk
about and pretend to be a reconnoitring
patrol or a picket as much as you like.
We usually reconnoitre after leeks and
lettuce, but there are carrots still sur-
viving and strawberries to come, if, as
seems to be the general opinion, we are
here for three years or duration of War.
My cupboard is simply but tastefully
furnished, with one chair, six boxes
small-arm ammunition, one incomplete
escritoire and four bricks (loot). When
helped out with lilac, soldiers' buttons,
hyacinths and pansies, it hardly knows
itself, and the Major, dropping in
unexpectedly the other day, mistook it
for a room.
We have our moments of excitement
even here. Now and then my appetite
is broken by sudden messages, always
arriving as I sit down to my lettuce.
Then I parade the garrison and speak
to them as follows : —
" Englishmen — (pause ; electrical
effect ; two men drop their rifles) —
Englishmen, your time of trial has
come. Since we cannot go to the War
the War is to come to us. The Adjutant
has arranged for us to be heavily shelled
(by the enemy) shortly after 3 A.M.
to-morrow. Englishmen, I rely on you
to behave as such ; I am persuaded
that you will. After dusk we will fare
forth and put three more layers of
sand-bags over the cellar. We will
sleep there to-night and spend to-mor-
row there. Englishmen, Dis — miss ! "
They are a mutinous crowd, I am
afraid. They finished the job just as
our guns started ; then they all went to
the front of the building and looked on.
The enemy were mutinous too ; they
didn't shell us at all the whole morn-
ing. I told our Adjutant, and I
expect he '11 do something pretty severe
about it.
41G
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
(MAY 26, 1915.
FOOTMANRY.
• I-'nmeescu." I said, "the War-
,1' she said, " 1 know. The War is going on.
There's no need to toll mi; that, A good many people
sivin to liiivi! hoar<l about it."
•• 1 wasn't going to tell you that."
•• \\VI1, whal were you going to toll me, then? "
" I don't know," I said. " Yon caught me up so sharply
that you've knocked it all out of my mind."
"I wonder what it can have been," she said. "There's
not much that 's new to he said about the War. It 's been
perfectly hateful all the time."
" It has," I said, " hut we've got to set our teeth and see
it through."
" Yes," she said, " and we've all got to help wherever we
can."
" Bravo ! " I said. " Even men beyond the military age
can be useful as volunteers, or subscribers to funds, or in a
thousand other ways."
" And women," she said enthusiastically, " have at last
found their true spheres. After this men will no longer be
able to sneer."
" They never were," I said. " That is to say, they never
were able to sneer properly. It takes a better man than
most men are to do that."
" All the same," she said, " a good many men tried."
" It was a poor effort," I said.
" Yes," she said, " it was. It always began by declaring
that women had no logic."
" Logic ! " I said. " Pcoh ! What is logic ? Who cares
about it ? "
" Logic," she said, " is the science and art of reasoning
correctly. I looked it up in a dictionary."
" And here is a woman," I said, " who can find time in
the midst of a million Committees to look up a disagreeable
word in a dictionary. Francesca, why did you do that ? "
" The newspapers keep on telling us," she said, " that we
must try to understand our enemies. Logic never was a
friend of mine, so—
" So you looked him up," I said, " in order to smash
him. Splendid ! "
" If logic was any good," she said, " there wouldn't Le a
KAISER. But there is a KAISER, so logic 's no good."
" Logically," I said, " that settles it. I 'm not sure you
haven't been guilty of a syllogisuj or something of that
kind, but, anyhow, you 've settled logic. What shall we
put in its place? "
" Sympathy," she said, " charity, mutual help, relief
funds, Eed Cross Hospitals, St. John Ambulance — any
amount of things."
" Yes," 1 said, " they 're all excellent ; but we want to
invent something quite new, something that will take our
thoughts off the War for a moment or two."
" That 's difficult," she said.
" But not impossible. Why not try footmanry ? "
" Footman wliat ? " she said.
" Footmanry. It is the new science and art of footmen.
Yn niian — yeomanry. Footman — footmanry."
" It 's out of the beaten track, anyway," she said. " How
do you work it?"
" Well, you begin by postulating a footman."
" It sounds cruel," she said, " hut I think I can manage it."
"Then you inquire into him, and you lind that the foot-
man is the young of the butler."
" Yes," she said, " but the butler doesn't like his young.
In fact he can't bear him. He says he can't get him out
of bed in the morning."
" But if the butler doesn't like him, why doesn't he leave
him in bod? That's one of the questions the new science
will answer."
"As far as my experience goes," she said, " the reason is
that if the footman didn't get up there 'd be nobody to help
in smashing glasses and other things. Glasses have to be
smashed regularly, and so the footman must get up. It's
one of the rules."
" Yes," I said, "and another rule is that after a year or
so the footman wants to better himself, but according to
the butler he gets worse all the time."
" And when he betters himself he vanishes."
"And when he's bettered himself about four times he
turns into a butler himself and begins to dislike footmen."
" I see," she said, "that there are many fascinating
mysteries about footmen."
" There are," I agreed. " Why, for instance, do they
never take down a telephone message correctly ? "
" Lots of people can't do that. Some of the best Dukes
are said to be thoroughly inefiicient at it, and you
yourself —
"Thank you," I said, "we needn't go further than a
Duke or a footman."
" But it wasn't a Duke or a footman who took down
Mrs. Hutchinson's message the other day. It was —
" All right," I said, " all right. I know who it was. You
needn't keep rubbing it in. Besides, Mrs. Hutchinson is
deaf."
" Which, of course, explains why you couldn't hear her."
" It does," I said. " Deaf ladies talking through a
telephone have a shattering effect on a high-strung sensi-
tive temperament like mine."
"I thought," she said, "you were one of the strong
silent ones."
" So I was," I said, " but it was long ago. What 's the
use of being strong and silent when you 've got a wife and
three girls in the house ? "
" If you take it like that," she -said, " it 's no good talking
at all."
" We will not discuss telephone messages any more," I
said with dignity.
" No," she said, " we won't. Let 's finish off about foot-
men. Do you know that it 's Thomas's birthday to-day ? "
" I didn't know footmen worried about birthdays."
" Well," she said, "ours does. He 's nineteen to-day, and
he told me this morning he 's going to enlist, and hopes I
shall be able to suit myself."
" Well done, Thomas ! But he '11 have to get up earlier
than ever when he 's a soldier."
" He '11 soon get used to that when he never goes to bed
at all."
"Anyhow," I said, "he's bettered himself with a ven-
geance this time."
" Yes," she said, "and when the War 's over he can come
back and unbetter himself back into our footman again."
" Certainly," I said, " and he shall have the run of the
glass-cupboard. He shall break as much as ever ho likes
when he returns." K. C. L.
Our Helpful Experts.
"The operation undertaken by the French and British in conceri;
must clearly have been thought out and prepared beforehand."
The Times.
" In the course of the day General Botha received a representative
deputation of the mule residents. The marital law proclamation
issued by General Botha. . . ." — Newcastle Mrcniii'j Chronicle.
Ko that was what the male residents went to see him about.
Germany's latest ambition ; a place in the San.
MAY iili,
1'1'NCll, (til TIIK LONDON CHARIVAIM.
'117
THE WHILE-YOU-WAIT SCHOOL OF HATRED.
418
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAY 26, 1915.
AT THE PLAY.
"THE DAY UEKOUK THE DAY."
I ONLY wish the stage were a mirror
of life in the matter of the spy spiad-on ;
for in Mr. FKKNAU/S new play, as in
Tin- Mini that Stui/i'il at 'Home, the
alien enemy within our gates is
gloriously confounded. . In the present
case he is not defeated by superior
wit ; the author relies upon the superb
bravado of his hero and the no less
superb credulity of his audience. Be-
tween the two of them they bring about
the collapse of a diabolically ingenious
organisation.
The plot was not so clear in detail
as we should, have liked it,
never permitted this defect
to cloud our confidence in a
happy issue. For on a happy
issue depended "not only the
existence of .our nation, but
the author's chance' of a run
for his trouble.^ All the same
we were kept in a right state
of tension for two-thirds of the
time. .. i
The chief notes of the play
were revolvers and musk.
Musk was the scent worn by
the envelopes which contained
the letters written • by von
Ardel of -the Prussian Guard
to an English girl, Victoria
Buckingham, who had once
been engaged to him. The
interception of one of ' his
letters had laid her under sus-
picion, and von Ardel's idea
was to bring about a meeting
with, her! on the strength of
their former relations', and to
place in her hands a false plan
of invasion^which would be
sure to fall into the clutches
but we
resolute man ought easily to have cir-
cumvented. Nothing but the fact that
ho had other designs for the lady could
have deterred him — being a Prussian
— from letting
e,n route.
The first scene
the bullet take her
of the Second Act
With the additional breath thus ac-
quired lie reaches a table, and luckily
finds a knife in the drawer of it, and so
cuts the ropes that hold his arms. With
fresh prehensile power he now readies
a long pole with a hook to it, fishes
a box from across the room, finds it
was extremely well done. It gave us contains the very tool he wants, and
the East Coast haunt of the spies— a unrivets his leg. All this took time,
member of the Prussian Secret Service, and so did the long interval, largely de-
a stockbroker, a German-American and
a Professor of Infernal Mechanics.
They talked German and English alter-
nately with equal ease, though the
Professor felt it incumbent upon him
to correct the American's pronuncia-
tion of the cli in ausgezeichnet. !
The scene flattered the German
Max von Ardel. ..... Mr. GERALD LAWRENCE
Victoria Bitckingham . . . Miss GBACE LANE.
Guy Howison • . Mr. LYN HARDING.
of the' War Office and put them on
the wrong track — Northumberland,
in fact, instead of Kent. The en-
velopes in which his secret instruc-
tions arrived were strewn all - over
the stage, and one could almost sniff
the asphyxiating perfume of 'their
musk in the 'tenth row of the stalls. •
As for the revolvers,' it is" a long time
since I have seen so many whipped out
at one moment. The only one amongst
the spies who never could get his weapon
out in time was an American, and
you would have expected him to be the
handiest of them all. Fortunately, not
a single revolver was discharged, except
"off" and between the Acts, so that
the report of it only reached us verbally.
But there was a period, that seemed
interminable, during which the only
thing that intervened between von
Ardel and his target was the frail form
of a woman — an obstruction that a
spirit, showing its thoroughness, the
intensity of its purpose, 'its readiness
to sacrifice the individual for the cause,
the iron discipline which directs its
licence and organises its -passionate
hate. " The man who came out
worst (for Mr.' FERNALD is not
tender to his countrymen) was
American Schindler, who never
of it
very
the
got
much farther than a protest against
brutality to women, and a hint of what
his nation might do if it was annoyed.
" Yuu 're not a nation," said one of the
Germans, "you're a mass meeting." .
The second scene (unchanged) of this
same Act was a little dragged out.
For a long time Captain Howison, tho
British Intelligence Officer, has nobody
to talk to on the stage. He has been
left alone in the dark, gagged and
bound and riveted to the v:all. With
his free foot he reaches a chair and
rubs his gag off on one of its legs.
voted to the levelling of revolvers, before
he could get to grips with von Ardel.
But Mr. LYN HARDING was equal to his
responsibilities and kept us alert. In-
deed he shone in action much more than
in speech. Twice he "was called upon
to cope with improbable conditions.
When, in the First -Act, he suddenly
returns from the dead (out in
Alaska) the author provides
him with no argument (except
his falsely-reported death) by
which to explain to the lady
of his heart a tvyo years' un-
broken silence. His manner
was abrupt and halting, and
you wondered a little why he
was selected for the Intelli-
gence Department. ' In the
Second Act, again, when he
appeared, unarmed and un-
announced, among the gang
of enemy spies, his method of
introducing himself was ex-
tremely unconvincing, and it
seemed incredible \that he
should not have been shot at
sight with all those revolvers
about, or at least have been
thrust .into the Professor's
electric crematorium under
the stage. \
The honours of the evening
went to Miss GBACE LANE,
who played the part of Vic-
toria Buckingham with a most
compelling sincerity. From the first
there was need of great candour on
her part to disarm the suspicions both
of her friends on the stage and us in
the audience. But-Miss-IiANK -made
an easy conquest of all the hearts
that were worth winning. • Of the spies
Mr. FREDERICK Eoss, Mr. NIGEL PLAY-
FAIR and. Mr. EDMUND GWENN were
horribly German,
might have been
Hymn of Hate.
LAWRENCE, as von Ardel, lacked some-
thing of tha true Prussian manner, and
had not even taken the trouble to dis-
guise himself as a " blond beast."
The return of Miss STELLA CAMPHELL
(playing a quiet American woman, loyal
to the land of her adoption) was very
welcome ; and Miss CHESNEY seized
her brief chances as a British hostess
with admirable effect. Of Mr. DAWSON
MILWARD and of Mr. OWEN NARES, who
Mr. GWENN indeed
the author of the
But Mr". GERALD
MAY 26, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR TIIK LONDON CHARIVARI.
419
played with his usual ease, I can only
say that I should have liked to see
more of thorn.
Mr. FKKNAI.D could hardly hope to
recover the mysterious charm of his
first success, Tnt Cut nn/1 the. Client/*.
Yet at our own doors to-day there are
secrets as dark and sinister as any in
the Chinese quarter of San Francisco.
And though the revelation of them,
if ever wo get so far, may not cones-
pond very closely with his picture, he lias
done well to stimulate our slow imagin-
ations, which threaten to remain torpid
till the day after The Day. 0. S.
"SATIKKS OF CIECUMSTANCE."
(lifiiKj a few minor tragedies of domes-
tic life, designed to supplement Mr.
THOMAS HAIIDY'S latest volume, and
finiched in a similar spirit of healthy
optimism.}
I. — HER HAIR-BRUSH.
WHY do I keep it ? That is what you 'd
ask !
But, man, you surely guess
It long ago performed a graceful task
Smoothing the yellow tress
Of one in whose fond sunlit glance to
bask
Was all my happiness.
Well, yes ; her hair a sonneteer might
sing ;
Twas gold without alloy ;
I would that all our fond philandering
I lad heen as pure a joy.
But for the brush — I only keep the thing
To spank her little boy.
II. — IN THE NURSERY.
" Don't pick the plums from all the buns,
Johnny ; keep some for the little ones ". . .
N 1 1 rse at the teaboard broods and pours ;
John plans how to pay off old scores.
" Dear little sister, here 's a plum "...
Baby turns purple. Nurse sits dumb.
'Twas a button from Mother's best
Sunday boots.
Children — in Wessex — are little brutes.
III.— THE HATPIN.
Her hat was high. His head was low.
They sat at the cinema-show.
He flustered: "Lady, please remove . . ."
She shook with passion — not of love.
Then in the dark he drew the pin,
And in the dark he thrust it in.
Next morn attendants strangely greet
A maiden skewered to her seat.
A Picture Theatre Poster : —
"VANITY FAIR BY CHARLES DICKENS."
And yet there are people who question
the educational value of our cinemas.
A NURSERY HEROINE.
BUT YOU NEEDN'T THINK you
Peggy. " You MAY EAT MY BISCUIT, YOU LITTLE BEAST 1
CA» MAKE ME SCREAM — NOT IN WAR-TIME."
How Not to Do It.
"WANTED, FOR GOVERNS! KNT
WORK. First-class CAPSTAN LATHE
HANDS, used to chuck work."
Yorkshire Evening Post.
" Some children suffer from an imperfect
speech development, and continue to babble
lisping baby talk when they are old enough to
articulate distinctly. In these cases chastise-
ment applied to the patient's mother in the
early stages of the disease would have had
remedial value." — Daily Mail.
We are inclined to agree with this
view, but should have hesitated to
express it so bluntly.
" WILL the Person who gave one of my men
a Sovereign in mistake for ice cream on the
Terrace on Friday night call at Reay's Bcnwell
Temperance Bar."
Newcastle Evening Chronicle.
The Temperance Bar is certainly the
safest place for him.
"Pressing their attack with their extra-
ordinary vigour on Elan, the French have
taken successively the lines of the crest near
Loos, La Tarqucttc, and Keuville St. Vaast."
Cork Examiner.
This is wrong. Our allies have never
lost Elan, and therefore have no
necessity to attack it.
420
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAY 26, 1915.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
(Hi/ Mr. Punch's Stu/ of Learned Clerks.)
TiiK.i-.K are few themes so full of horrible and creepy
fascination as that of witch-finding. The historic and noto-
rious epidemic of it in New England has been taken by
those clever sistcix who combine as " K. L. MONTGOMERY"
for the subject of their latest novel, Maids of Salem (LONG).
You can hardly expect it to be a cheerful tale, but the
interest is undeniable. This same interest, however, and
the effect of the book generally, would be much increased
if the authors would prune a little the luxuriance of their
style. If ever there was a case of the wood being hidden
by the trees, it is here. Every character in the book
garnishes his or her talk with such a wealth of metaphor
and archaic ornament that I have felt tempted to quote the
exhortation of the Lancashire man, and beg " K. L. MONT-
GOMERY " to "get eendways ~~
wi' the tale." In one kind,
however, the authors do exer-
cise a commendable restraint ;
we have little, insistence upon
the merely physical horrors of
the persecution. Without this
there is enough of dread in the
pictures of a time when the
lives of the most innocent were
at the mercy of the random ac-
cusations of hysterical children.
The other phases of the story,
the love-making of Favour Gray
and young Constant Grenvil,
and the somewhat conventional
missing-heir motive, are less
striking. But it is the witch-
craft that makes the book ; and
I wish "K. L. MONTGOMERY"
would publish a translation of
it into simple English.
The poor dear young Duke of
Cheshire was in the deuce of a
dilemma. On the one hand,
inclination urged him to run
away with another man's wife ;
on the other, all the deeply
rooted traditions of his proud
race told him that he ought
to many for money. ("Playing the game" was the
way he described the latter course). If he ran away
with the other man's wife, he would not get the money ;
if he concentrated on the money, he would not get the
other man's wife. It was a trying situation for a fine,
thoroughbred young Englishman, and I was not surprised
that Mr. COSMO HAMILTON grew almost tearful over it in
the course of the three hundred and sixty-three pages of
The Miracle of Love (HUHST^AND BLACKETT). These are
the real tragedies of life. I 'think the poignancy of the
thing was a little too much for Mr. HAMILTON. It obsessed
him. Most of the first hundred or so pages are occupied
with the Duke's narration of his troubles, first to one
minor character, then to another. And as it is a peculiarity
of Mr. HAMILTON'S literary style that he never uses ten
words where a thousand will produce the same effect this
tends to become tedious. And — but I was forgetting that
all this time you are on tenterhooks to know if it all ended
happily. It did. The other man died, and the Duke's
aunt married a man with money and gave the Duke some
of it, and never have the wedding-bells rung out more
"KINDLY 'ELP A POOR BELJIN SOLDIER, SIR, SEVERELY
WOUNDED IN THE !ED AT NOOVE CHAPEL."
"GET OUT, YOU FRAUD! WHY, I DON'T BELIEVE YOU
CAN BPEAK FRENCH OR FLEMISH."
" I ADMIT IT, SIR. IT '8 A CASE OP LOST MEMORY — BRAIN
INJURED — I'VE FORGOT EVERY WORD OP ME NATIVE
LANOWIDGK."
blithely than in the dear old church where so many genera-
tions of the Cheshire family had espoused middle-class
heiresses from the highest commercial motives. So that 's
all right. It is a thin little story, but Mr. HAMILTON pads
it out to a marketable size with the aid of his amazing gift
of language. Words flutter from him like bat; out of a
barn. He can say the same thing over and over again in
a different way oftener than any other novelist of my
acquaintance. And in these days when the public chooses
its books from Wie library almost entirely for their chunki-
ness an author can have no more useful gift.
Perhaps you would not think that the making of quarry-
waste into vitrified slate would be the most satisfactory
background for a love story, but Miss UNA L. SILHERRAD, in
Co - Directors (HODDER AND STOUGHTON), has chosen it
deliberately, and done very well with it. True, there is
more slate than love, but the
struggles with technical and
other difficulties are made inter-
esting beyond all likely con-
jecture. Elizabeth Thain, a
business spinster of considerable
capacity, and Marlcroft, absent-
and single-minded man and
clever chemist, absorbed in his
laboratory explorations and only
incidentally, as it were, happen-
ing upon the great treasure em-
bedded in vitrified slate — these
are hero and heroine, of a type
unusual enough in fiction to
give a special interest to this
rather pleasant book. Charac-
terisation is adequate, sentiment
well handled, sentimentality
eschewed, and workmanship
competent, even though Miss
SILBERRAD contrives to split her
infinitives and foozle her plu-
perfects with the best.
Mr. DOUGLAS SLADEN in
Twenty Years of My Life
(CONSTABLE) has poured forth
a stream of reminiscence and
anecdote. An index of the
" well-known people " to whom
he refers is appended, and as this list contains between four
and five hundred names I feel constrained to offer my
respectful sympathy to anyone who happens to have been
omitted. But I am not so intrigued by what he has to
say of these people as by the delightfully ingenuous details
he gives of himself. True, he suggests that those who are
likely to be more interested in his reminiscences than in his
life should begin at Chapter VIII., but this advice I am
thankful not to have followed. For had I neglected those
opening chapters I should not have known where Mr.
SLADEN was baptized, and I should also have missed this
magnificent statement : — " At Cheltenham I was the most
prominent boy of my time, and the prestige with which I
came up from school gave me a certain momentum at
Oxford." In justice, however, I must add that Mr.
SLADEN is as frankly generous to most of his ""leading
people" as he is to himself, and that, whatever the faults of
his book may be, it is, and will be, valuable as a work of
reference and appreciation. Mr. YOSHIO MARKING has con-
tributed some colour pictures of various parts of the house
in which Mr. SLADEN lived, and some portraits.
2, 1915.]
rUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAIUVAIII.
421
! against Germany, the anti-fly campaign Tlio 1'ari.s Matin states tint a oon-
signmcnt of preserved food in tins,
wliicli was seized during transit to
CHARIVARIA. I m~ay be dropped. ft (
"Princo von Billow," an Exchange j *"
telegram informs us, "is keenly dis-j " Not a hair on the head of a single Germany, was found to contain 4,000
tressed ami humiliated at the failure foreigner who has thrown in his lot , revolvers. This which points to gru .-
of his diplomatic mission." Somehow, with Germany, and lives in our midst carelessness on the part of .somebody— •
or other we had a sort of presentiment as a German citizen," says the Deutsche is by no means the first occasion on
'l'<iii<'x*eitnnrt, "has been touched since j which foreign matter has been found
war began." This certainly shows : in canned foods, as witness the Chicago
that it would not please him.
V
" The Italian Admiralty has refused
wonderful self-restraint on the part of
revelations of some years back.
* *
Leather is now becoming scarce in
tho application of Signer J)' ANNCNXIO, : the German barbers.
the poet, to enlist in the Navy, but the
War.OHicehasoft'eredhim acommission A German Professor of Theology, Germany, and an appeal is being made
in the light horse." The light horse, Heir D. BAUMGARTEN, has been de- to parents to allow their children to go
j to school in wooden shoes. In
I return, we take it, the children
' would not be leathered by tho
I schoolmaster.
wo imagine, includes our old
friend Pegasus.
* *
*
It is not, we believe, generally
known that, as a result of the
German official instructions to
the Press to show Italy good-
will to the very last second, quite
a number of German editors
broke out in spots all over.
* *
*
The practical nature of tho
Teuton has once mere been
asserting itself. Busy men in
Germany, we hear, are now
allowed, in order to save time,
to greet their friends with the
abbreviations "G. S. E." and
"G. S. I.," instead of saying at
length, "Gott strafe England"
and " Gott strafe Italicn."
* u*
We hear that the only persons
in Germany who are thoroughly
pleased at Italy's entry into the
War are the schoolboys there.
They have resolved never to let
:i word of Latin pass their lips
again. * *
A writer in the Miincheiter
I'oit refers to the "hang-dog
look " of the British officers in
i'Yanco. It evidently is not
realised that this hang-dog look
means a determination to suspend the
mad dog of Potsdam.
The King of SAXONY prohibited all
public celebrations of his (iftieth birth-
day last week. This is taken to signify
that His Majesty wishes he had not
been born. ,,. ...
Referring to Lord KITCHENER and
Mr. LLOYD GEOUGK and their respective
spheres The Pall Mall Gazette remarks,
" Kadi part of the work in this war is
big enough for a giant." Physically, of
course, Mr. LLOYD GKOKGK is one of the
smallest giants in the world.
* *
The latest suggestion from
Germany, the homo of Culture,
is, wo hear, that captured flying
men should bo placed in cages.
* *
:;•-
It seems very strange, after
all that we have heard of the
thoroughness of the enemy's
methods, that not a single case
of scalping has hitherto been
brought to our notice.
"Now York, Wednesday. — I learn
j from a Washing source which is
usually of the best authority that the
I German Government has ordered the
j suspension of its submarine activities
! against neutral commerce. ' '
Manchester Evening Neu'S.
I These things always come out
, in the wash.
THE DAMOSEL I LEFT BEHIND ME.
RECBUITING POSTEB IN THE STYLE OF THE NEW DECOR-
ATIVE SCHOOL.
livering a remarkable sermon on Vnolputandiim.
righteousness of the German cause, j
"The destruction of the Lmitaniit," \
From a review : —
"The book is revolting. It is ;m
insult to every .patriotic and fine
feeling. It ridicules all that is noble
and good. It is fit meat for the
common hangman," — Globe.
This appears under the head-
line, " Books Worth Reading."
Well, Disgustibus non est dis-
New theory of the origin of the War.
says this holy man, " should be greeted , ]?rom Dublin University :—
with jubilation and enthusiastic cheer- , „ ch in Prench Honor Courses ueoes.
mg, and everybody who does not cheer sitated by the War made with the authority
is no real or true German." Many , of the Council during Michaelmas Term, 1914,
harsh things have been said of the | a"d approved as permanent changes by the
Germans, but nothing quite so bitter as Language,
this suggestion for a test of nationality.
" Is the world," asks the Berlin
Lokalanzeiyer, " so helplessly shackled
under the English hypnotism that it
cannot see the hideous monster of des-
potism which, at England's beck, is
:'V'; I crouching on their very shoulders, and
It is possible, wo hear, that, with a under which they are surely doomed
view to the nation's devoting its entire to be crushed." The answer is in the
energies and attention to the war i affirmative. Isn't it awful ?
" Aigues Mortes, the historic little port on
the Mediterranean from which St. Louis sailed
on his two crusades in 1848 and 1870."
These episodes in
Tlte Graphic.
the after-life of
ST. Louis had not been previously
recorded. One cannot wonder, how-
ever, that he preferred to. be out of
his native land in those particularly
strenuous years.
VOL. CXLVIII.
422
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JUNE 2, 1915.
LIBERTY: THE FALSE AND THE TRUE.
WB rocked ourselves in balmy sleep,
Knowing Britannia ruled the V.UYCS,
And while her watch-dogs held the deep
Never, oh no, should we be slaves;
Others in less enlightened lands
Ead lords to drill and drive and bleed 'em,
But we, thank God, could fold our hands
All in the blessed name of Freedom.
By that most comfortable word
We claimed, as only Britons may,
The right to work, if we preferred,
The right, if so we chose, to play ;
Under that flag we danced and dined,
Lifted the lusty patriot chorus,
And paid a few (that way inclined)
To go and do our fighting for us.
Bo, when the sudden war-bolt fell,
We still kept up our games and strikes,
True to the law we loved so well —
Let everyone do what he likes ;
This was a free land; none should tramp
In conscript lines, dragooned and herded,
Though some might take a call to carnp
If the request was nicely worded.
And now we learn — at what a price,
And in an hour how dark and late —
That never save by sacrifice
Men come to Liberty's estate ;
No birthright helps us here at need ;
Each must be taught by stern probation
That they alone are free indeed
Who bind themselves to serve the nation.
O. S.
OUR WHITSUN CAMP.
OUR Commandant is very pleased about it. Nearly all
the photographs came out very well and the Censor has
passed some of them for publication I think that the
snapshot of the Adjutant misjudging the width of a trench
was rightly censored. It is a pity that some of the
villagers, including three boys and two of the oldest
inhabitants, got into the group of officers entitled "not
too old to fight."
A battalion of regulars, who, also taking advantage
of the fine weather and holiday season, had pitched their
tents in our neighbourhood, took a great interest in us,
especially in our red armlets. It cost us a long time to
convince them that we weren't a flock of budding staff
officers out for a picnic or a battalion in quarantine. It
wasn't until they saw us manoDuvring that they understood
that the armlet scheme was to prevent the possibility of
the Germans missing any of us if we went into action.
Our ceremonial parade was marred by the conduct of the
leading Platoon Commander who was guilty of three breaches
of military etiquette on the march past, none of which was
excusable even if a mosquito did bite him under the left
eye at a critical moment. He said something that was not
in the Infantry Training Book, threw the battalion out of
step and finished his salute before passing the post.
The camp pastimes consisted largely of trench digging
and tactical manoeuvres. The ungrudging manner in
which one of our Platoon Commanders in the course of
swinging a pick sacrificed his near fourth rib to the
common good was voted a sporting effort ; but Holroyd's
double event with his neighbour's shoulder and his own
shin in one swing was considered clumsy. Considerable
ingenuity was shown in disguising the trenches. In spite
of our Commandant's disparaging remarks I still think that
my idea of laying out our parapet as a potato bed was most
practical, and that it was churlish and unsporting of the
original potato-planter to complain to our Commandant.
A man is not much of a man who cannot give up a few
unripe potatoes for his country.
My first idea was mustard and cress, and after consulta-
tion with a local gardener I came to the conclusion that
the best plan would be to start the seeds growing on flannel.
As I hadn't got enough flannel I had to use Higgs's blanket
and rag. I watered the blanket and rug well before spread-
ing the seeds, and I am sure that the scheme would have been
a success but for Higgs's lack of co-operation. I was just
going to explain the matter to him when "lights out"
sounded and he went hurriedly to bed with my seeds. Of
course he discovered his mistake at once, but the damage
was done, and we were both reprimanded by the Section
Commander for creating a disturbance in billets. I think that
I shall try for strawberries if we entrench in the summer.
Bailey's river scene, with bulrushes and waterlilies, would
have been all right if his trench had not been on the rise of
a hill and if the scene had harmonised with the next trench,
which was adorned with gorse and tulips.
A grand finale to the camp was provided by an exhibition
battle between the infantry and the motor squadron. Our
operations — I am infantry— were considerably hampered
by the insubordination of the Commandant's horse. First,
he refused to bring back his hay cart in time and was late
for parade ; secondly, he was insulting to the Adjutant, who
had waited for him and wanted to exhibit his knowledge of
the haute Acole, and thirdly he objected to the Commandant
unfolding the plan of campaign to our officers from his
back. While the Commandant was endeavouring to
explain that the motor squadron was going to make a
surprise attack on us, the attack happened and the surprise
was complete. Considering the number of conflicting
orders which were given we did fairly well, and most of us
found some kind of cover. I concealed myself in a furze
bush which I hadn't noticed until I got there. Bailey
found cover for one leg in a rabbit hole, and this helped him
to lie down very quickly ; he kept lying down until the
ambulance came up. Having fired five rounds rapid into
our officers and one another we had leisure to look for the
motor squadron. We felt that they had taken a mean
advantage in attacking when our Commandant's horse
was entertaining us by giving an exhibition cake-walk,
so we decided to charge them. This figure was a great
success, as they imagined that we had practically annihilated
ourselves. They didn't know that our infantry is as
resilient as the Russian army. We could have captured
them all if we hadn't wanted the spectators to see them
retreat along the road. We had a crowd of spectators
whom our ex-Adjutant had invited to motor down to see
us perform. He had posted them on a hill commanding a
view of the whole operations, and doubtless they would have
been much impressed if he hadn't told them beforehand
everything that was going to happen. Unfortunately,
owing to the conduct of the Commandant's horse nothing
happened that he had told his friends about, and his repu-
tation as a military prophet is ruined.
We didn't go back to camp after wiping out the motor
squadron, but marched straight on the railway station.
The motor squadron tried to attack us again on the way,
but we weren't going to fight dead men, and there were
too many regulars about, so we just told them not to be
silly and took no further notice of them.
I'CNOII, OH Till'; LONDON OH A Kl V.\ HI. .h NK •>, 1915.
REINFORCED CONCRETE.
JOHN BULL. "IF YOU NEED ASSURANCE, SIB, YOU MAY LIKE TO KNOW THAT YOU HAVE
THK LOYAL SUPPORT OF ALL DECENT PEOPLE IN THIS COUNTRY."
J'2-l
PUNCH, OR THK LONDON CHARIVARI.
;,JrxK 2, 1915.
THE STAMPS OF FORTUNE.
OUK GKI;\T Ni.w \\'AU SKHIAL.
A n<»>Miur «/ J.«n; \\'ur mid I'/ultiti/i/.
Synopsis of pneeding i-lia| 'ters and ehar-
;ll the BtOry, which takes place 111 the
autumn of l'J14.
Kmiltii \Vatt-rintiik, a sweet young English
girl, possessor of a magnificent Stamp (.'ollce-
tion inherited fr.uu her father, which includes
a unique iet of San Salvador 1896 iMUe(unXBed).
SI-.,' ]•> in love with
H<in<ld I'l'iiln-inJi, a splendid young English
athlete and enthusiastic philatelist, employed
in Sicilian's (irand Kmporiuni.
Steiiwrt, a wealthy naturalised merchant,
only intereMed in stami s as a side-line on
which money might be made. He presses his
unwelcome attentions en Knnlia. but has no
real love for her, his only wish being to obtain
l>, j-.;>ssionof the priceless Salvadors.
He really loves
Magda Iranotitch, a beautiful adventuress
whom he employs to abstract valuable stamps
from famous collections. She cherishes a
secret passion for Harold, and hopes to tempt
him from his Emilia by pandering to his
craving for hitherto unobtainable specimens.
Stcinart. having discovered that his employe
dares to be his rival with Kmilia. has sent
him on a special mission to Germany to buy
Teddy Bears for the Toy Department, and
hopes to attain his object before Harold can
return .
Head on from here — if you have any strength
left.J
CHAPTER XLVI.
Steinart was shown into Emilia's
boudoir, tastefully decorated with glass
cases containing the famous Collection,
among which he saw with a spasm of
joy the exquisite designs and colours
of the Salvador gems.
The fair occupant was bending over
a table on which lay a sheet of stamps
of the 1823 issue of Kamschatka.
She was deep in the absorbing task
of separating those Kith the full-stop
after the " A " (value sixteen a penny)
from those without the full stop (Cata-
logue value 39s. Gd. each), and did not
at first observe him.
When she at last did so she bowed
coldly, at the same time tactfully
stifling a yawn with her pocket
magnifier.
She made a pretty picture as she
stood in her 5 cent French 1906 issue
green evening wrap, trimmed with fur
of the peculiar shade seen to such
advantage in the background of the
Ru*>ian 2 kopeck of 1875.
Her features had all the natural
grace observable in the early Colonial
attempts at the presentment of Her
Majesty QUEEN VICTORIA, but a close
observer might have noticed that the
pupil of one of her eyes was badly
centred, while a fairly well denned
watermark was visible in I ho shiiding
of her neck.
"Why do YOU force yourself. on me
like this '> " 'exclaimed the beautiful
girl. " You must know that you are
more worthless in my eyes than even
the ten pfennig stamp of the country
which had tho misfortune to give you
birth>"
" Ha! jou haf then not yet heard
the news," hissed Steinart. " War has
been declared between England and
Germany, and every Stamp Collector
in the country is wringing his hands
over the ' worthless ' German stamps
he has so often contemptuously thrown
away, each one of which is now worth
at least double its weight in three-
penny-bits ! '
" And Harold ! What of him ? "
shrieked Emilia, as she suddenly realised
the horror of the situation.
" Interned in Germany as an English
spy," returned Steinart with guttural
glee.
Emilia fell over in a swoon, fortun-
ately landing on a large sack of
Portuguese Colonials (surcharged " Ee-
publica") which had just arrived and
so escaping injury.
When she recovered the German had
disappeared, and on going to the
window she observed him some distance
down the street with a large flat parcel
under his arm.
For a few seconds she hardly realised
what had occurred ; then, with a wild
cry and a despairing look at the empty
space on the w-all, she sank to the
floor in a second merciful access of
unconsciousness.
The priceless case of San Salvadors
had disappeared !
CHAPTER XLVII.
In a lonely turret cell in the grim
prison fortress of Schweinoberundunter-
wolfenberg Harold Pootwink had now
been immured for over two months.
Late one evening he was seated over
the remains of a miserable meal, with
his precious Stamp Album, of which
even the brutality of his gaolers had
not deprived him, propped against a
loaf of war bread.
Forgetful of his sordid surroundings
he was feasting his eyes on the match-
less beauty of the new English " Post-
age Dues " he had recently acquired,
when the door opened noiselessly and
a figure in the long cloak of a German
officer stood before him.
Harold rose to his feet as the cloak
was thrown aside, revealing the magni-
ficent form of Magda Ivanovitch.
"Cruel boy!" she whispered ; "see
what dangers I have passed through
for your sake. Come ; my private air-
ship lies moored at the window outside
your cell. We have but to fly together
to some far land where this frightful
war cannot reach us, and in savage
solitude live for love and stamps alone."
Harold made a gesture of refusal,
but the lovely Magda, sinking on her
knees before him. cried, " Ah ! do not
spurn me. I can make you famous,
the possessor of stamps which Kings
have fought for."
With these words she drew from her
valise and exposed before Harold's
fascinated ga/.e some specimens that
might well have tempted any philate-
list a superb example of the Costa
Eican issue of 1892, but bluish green
instead of greenish blue, being the only
example known with this peculiarity ;
a beautiful early Afghanistan which
looked even more like an intoxicated
Catherine-wheel than any previously
discovered, and a handful of "Post
Office" Mauritius which, if thrown on
tho market, would have instantly
brought the price of this famous stamp
down to a few paltry thousands.
Harold took a step towards her with
outstretched hands. But just in time
lie recalled that his affections were
centred in the beautiful girl he had left
in England.
Eegaining command of himself with
an effort he turned away from the
temptress, exclaiming in a broken
voice, " Enough ! even for these I can-
not give up my Emilia."
Magda's features grew as white as a
plain embossed stamp as she cried,
" Your Emilia, forsooth ! Do you still
dream of that baby-faced child while
such a woman as I plead for your love '?
Fool ! months ago she forgot you, and
! already when 1 left London her en-
! gagement to Steinart was rumoured
! in the Society papers."
Harold's iron manhood almost failed
him, but only for a moment. Drawing
himself up as nearly to his full height as
the ceiling of his cell would permit, ho
retorted, " You say her engagement is
rumoured; I refuse to believe it until it
is officially passed by the Press Bureau."
The face of the adventuress instantly
flushed as dark as an old English pomu
I red. Rushing to the table she seized
| the stamp album, and, ere Harold could
intervene, heaved it through the open
window. A sullen splash far below
told that the loving work of a lifetime
was lost for ever in the depths of the
Dummereselbach.
Then with a vicious slam of the door
she disappeared, while the unhappy
prisoner buried his face in the war loaf
and burst into sobs.
(To If continued.)
Evviva !
"The King and Queen waved the Italian
j flag, .and the King shouted ' Long Live Italy ! '
The crowd shouted, ' Long Live the War ! ' '
The Star.
This was perhaps carrying enthusiasm
: a little too far.
. Jbnry Throymoiton. "HARRY'S GETTING ON so WELL IN THE NATIONAL GUARD. THEY'VE MADE HIM A COMPANY PROMOTER."
LADY TU-TI.
IP you 've moments to spare, will you spare me a few
While I make you acquainted with Tu-Ti (or Tu) '!
With her mane, which is thick, and her waist, which is thin,
She derives from the bluest blue blood of Pekin,
And to those who would question her race she is able
To prove by her genealogical table,
Far beyond all the carpings of ignorant malice,
That her ancestors lived and were pets in a palace.
Please note as she sleeps on her favourite bed
her mu//Ie is black and the rest of her red,
With a sleekness so sleek it were shame to have roughed it,
While her nose is turned up and her trousers are tufted.
i,o, she shakes off her slumber and stretches and seems
To emerge with regret from the country of dreams,
With a \a\vn so immense that you 'd think I defied her
To see who could yawn it the pinker and wider.
It is time for her walk, but, alas ! she sets eyes on
Her harness and stands like a miniature bison,
A rebuke in the humans who foolishly tether
.The soul ami the legs of a lady with leather.
^ipt at last she submits, and her footfall is fleet
Afe Her Daintiness skims through the crowds in the street.
She 's as light as (lie air and as gay as a lark,
I'eing bound for the freedom and joy of the Park.
" Ho, bring me the Round Pond this very same minute,"
She , ries. and she tugs at her lead and is in it ;
Ami 1 'in hound to confess, though she's dry us a clinker,
It 's a very large drink for a very small drinker.
We have all of us faults ; even Tu has her failings,
Such as leaving her home through the area railings.
Recaptured and rated she proves her contrition
By assuming a pose of the meekest submission.
Her conviction of sin isn't open to doubt ;
She repents most sincerely of being found out.
Though her learning is scanty in Greek or in Latin,
There are tricks not a few she is perfectly pat in.
Hold your stick off the ground, half a yard or so from it,
And lo, with a rush of a fiery-tailed comet,
Inspired with pure rapture and eager to dare,
She has cleared the great fence without turning a hair.
She can die for her country, her King and her brothers,
While she keeps an eye open for Germans and others.
Fascination 's her forte ; she 's aware how it tells,
So she sits up on end and starts weaving her spells ;
And she never gives up till you pay the magician
With a store of tit-bits as an aid to nutrition.
Did you notice — I did- — in The Pekinese Times
An announcement deserving of pictures and rhymes ?
" In her basket," it said, and 1 read it with joy,
" Lady Tu-Ti of twin-pups, a girl and a boy.'1 R. C. L.
"Boxers (Kxpcricnccd female') \\antrsl." — Daily Chronicle.
Bombardier WKI.I.S is stated to have rejoined the army, and
his brother-pugilists should now have no hesitation in
following his lead, since there are experienced lad e; ready
I to till their places in the ring.
126
i'lNCH, Oil THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[.!UNK 2, 1915.
MULLINS.
"Tins 'ere War," Ivg.ui 15ill C'orrigan,
and tin' opening was so familiar that
the line of men leaning against the
•'•y-wall scarcely looked up from
their pipes and papers, "may bo right
enough for them as was horn with the
martial instink, hut for them as wasn't
it 's jest silly! "
They agreed with him, though lan-
guidly. The sentiment, was in entire
accordance with their mood : the sole
objection to it was that they had ( —
heard it expressed by Bill many
times before.
"Slackers?" he had echoed
amiably, in reply to a per-
sistent recruiting -sergeant in
the early days, " oo 's denyin'
of it, mate? No, we ain't
reg'lars, nor territorials, nor
nash'nal volunteers, nor yet
speshuls, an" we don't manu-
facture as much as a bootlace
for the bloomin' troops, an'
we 're about the only crowd
in England as ain't ashamed
to say so ! "
And the rest, following Bill's
heroic lead, were quite remark-
ably proud of the fact that they
also weren't ashamed to say so.
The thing had become a cult, a
sort of fetish They regarded
each new recruiting-poster with
amused interest ; passed the
barracks at the corner with
light and careless steps, and
made a decent bit overtime.
'Eard yest'day," said Alf
Chettle, "that they've got a
noo recruiting-sergeant, name
o' Cheem, at the barracks.
Beckons 'e's goin' to wake us
up. Got an ideer that the other
fellers that tried to make rookies
a' me an' Bill didn't under-
stand our temp'ryments."
There was a chorus of
chuckles.
A little man in khaki who
" Mullins — Tim Mullins."
"Kecollect 'ini skylarkin' with my
lads." said an older man. "flame little
beggar, all freckles an' grin."
•• 'K wa.s. '.Remember me to the old
crowd in 1'onter Street, if ever you're
down that way,' 'e says ; ' I bet the
Fuct'ry 's workin' short-'anded just
now. I ain't done 'alf what I meant
to,' 'o says, catchin' 'is breath, but
there 's plenty more, thank Gawd, to
carry on. Guess there won't be many
slackers in England when they reads
says. ' I 'in goin' to buy a farm, an'
grow apples.' '
" An' now — 'e won't never grow
up," said Alf.
" No," said the man in khaki, " nor
won't die, neither. There 's life, mate,
an' there 's death, an' there 's another
thing they calls immortality, an' that 's
what Mullins found."
The hoarse roar of the factory hooter
filled the air, and the men began to
drift towards the entrance. Within
the yard Bill came to a sudden halt.
" Anyone care to look in at
the barracks to-night ? " he
demanded huskily.
"Don't mind if I do," said Alf.
A dozen others straggled
across and said they felt like
coming to join them.
The man in khaki watched
them. If Bill had made a dis-
covery, :;o had he — a discovery
not uncommon among those
whose talk is of the elemental
things of life. His subject had
been greater than he had sus-
pected.
Turning away, he came face-
to-face with an officer. He
saluted briskly.
" Well," said the officer,
" any luck ? "
"Pretty fair, Sir," said
Cheem.
"The tramway marched from
Kdmonton to the factory singing and
cheering, under an escort of a strong
body of police." — Ei'ening '
The tramway seems to have set
a fine example to the discon-
tented employes.
VE HAD SOME OF YOUR HORSES COMMAND-
"I HEAE YOU
EERED."
I HAVE, ZUB, AN' ALL ON ACCOUNT O1 THIS 'ERE
BUT I TELL 'KB WOT: I'VE KEP' ON wi' MY
WORK AS IF NOTHIN' 'AD 'APPENED — JEST TEB SPITE 'IM ! "
"TES,
KAYSF.IS.
been listening to the dialogue came | the papers-only poor beggars as ain't ;
er hesitatingly got stre th „„ ^ h to g* ft rffl ,
Any o you chaps live m Ponter die a. trnnp.h ' "
you chaps
said Bill,
in Ponter
suspiciously.
dig a trench.'
nearer
" Any
Street ? "
" I do,"
Why ? "
ii ii/r i / 11 ••• "™" °°° ™11 Lllc "{ilium J. wan
i feller at the Front that used j a picture palace," said Bill gruffly
live m this neighbourhood, an' 'el "Maybe," said the man in khaki
a message. Larky sort o' boy,',
There was a short silence while the cated to them its well-known prehensile
..II I'/lll.li1* *
man in khaki filled his pipe.
"I can see all the fightin' I wants at
,.
*« as, not more than sixteen, though 'e j the chance
- E !
to
sent
e
wouldn't own it.
he ankle while we was
he Huns got 'im before
irn off. Late that night
nto camp, an' the things
Hifore 'e died "
Alf, sharply.
But I 'm goin' out again soon 's I set
'
Can't forget the look
' • - -
' ' The conduct of our troops through-
out the day was splendid, and they
literally clung to the edge of the cliffs
on both sides of the fatal beach, for
the tows on the left, which had made
for the shelter of ape Tekeh, also got
ashore and hung on in the same
tenacious manner." — Daily Express.
We are glad to have the name
this friendly animal preserved for
us. Not content with sheltering our
troops, it appoars to have commirii-
of
abilities, thus enabling them to hang
on by their tows.
' RKD CROSS SOCIETY. — Mrs.
has ma-
was wounded in ! on young Mullins' face when 'e died J ?n to, local,hosPita1*- She would be g
•aa rnfroafir,' «„• ' KT ' .,. ecl- i hear from those willing to undertake to
n.an^No, e wasn t no bloomm' martyr, any garments, the material being provid
'e could carry ; But e d done 'is bit, an' that was all Ashbourne Telegr
tliat mattered."
r
""I <LastI^wo' the beggar," said the the sand-bags which are i i so great
terial for sand pyjamas for the wounded who
came to Derby Infirmary and are then drafted
on to local hospitals. She would be glad to
ike to make
provided . ' '
•aph.
These are presumably supplemental to
°f
JINK 2, 1 !)l.r).]
ITNCII, ou THK LONDON CHARIVARI.
4L7
'
'
THE ALIEN QUESTION.
Stranger (after lady's repeated calls of" John! John! John!"). "Jons DOEBX'T SEEM TO BE A VERT OBEDIENT LITTLE DOQ.'
Lndy. "WELL, YOU BEE, HIS NAME ISN'T JOHN; (f.iintly) IT'S BEALLY Farrz."
OUR COUNTRY'S LOSS.
I WILL call them A, B and 0. This
is for convenience, and not for fear that
they might recognise themselves under
their own names, for they are the kind
who would never recognise themselves
in print.
By an odd chance I met them all on
the same day, one at a club, one in
the street, and one in a train. All are
between forty and fifty; in fact, con-
temporaries of my own. All are fairly
well-to-do, or were before the War
started. To-day no ono knows what
he is worth. And to-morrow ?
do? I hate to praise myself, but if
there 's one thing I can do, it 'a to
organise. Look at the things I've
done in that way. Look at our golf
club. Works like a clock. Look at
my billiard - room lamps ; my own
idea, and everyone notices them. Ever
since I was at school I have been an
organiser. I ran all the various societies
there. Now don't you think there
ought to be a vacancy for me in one
of the departments ? "
I said I had an idea that they
preferred trained men ; amateurs can
be a nuisance.
"I know that," he said. "But mine 's
A was walking along Cocksptir Street j a different case. There 's always room
when I met him, or, to be more exact, ! at the top, and for a real organiser too —
when he met me. He was in that j a born administrator. Now do promise
dangerous mood when a man says, i to think of something for me. And
" Which way are you going? I 've 1 let me know. Here 's my new address ;
nothing much to do. I '11 go along i we 've just moved to a most delightful
with you."
I said I was going to the Albany.
" You 're just the man I wanted to
see," ho said. " I want your advice.
The fact is, the War is gettin' on my
nerves- and I really think I ought to
he doin' somethin'. Somethin' real, I
place in Devonshire."
I promised. •
B came up to me in the club.
" Lunching alone ? " he asked.
I had to admit it.
" You don't mind if I join you ? '
added.
he
mean. I 'm too old to fight ; even if j I could not tell the truth.
I could scrape through with a lie about j " I wanted to' see you," he said,
my age. What do you say ? Couldn't ; " You know several Government people,
you suggest some organism' I could i I know. Well, I 've been talking it
over with my wife, and we 're sure that
with my gift of organisation there must
he some post I could fill just now to
help old England. I 'd fight if I could,
but I 'm too old. But my brain 's in
perfect order and there 's nothing I can't
do with underlings. I 've proved it
again and«again. You should see how
I keep my gardeners hopping about ;
and, although I say it as shouldn't, my
clerks adore me. Now surely there 's
some vacancy for me somewhere. Not
this week and not next, because we 've
got people till then ; but after that.
Can't you think of anything? Whal
about this Push and Go business ?
Couldn't I be useful there? Think
about it, won't you?"
I said I would.
C looked in at-my carriage window a
second too soon. A second hiter and
my Pall Mall would have covered my
face.
" Ah, that 's right," he said. " I
was hoping I should find you. Now if
we can only keep the bores out we 'ro
all right."
I laid aside the paper — and I was in
the very midst of : the- Garvinelles too —
and prepared for the worst.
" It 's like this," he said. " All my
friends tell me I 've got very unusual
abilities as an organiser, and upon my
428
PUNCH, OR TI1K LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JUNE 2, 1915.
Wounded Soldier. "PRETTY ROTTEN LUCK BEING PIPPED WITHOUT EVEN SEEING A
GERMAN."
Friend, " DON'T LET THAT WORRY YOU, OLD CHAP. WHEN YOU GET FIT I 'LL SHOW
YOU HUNDREDS OP THEM OVER HERE."
soul I believe they 're right, though it
may sound like swanking to say so.
My head 's in pigeon-holes, you know.
I can keep things clear and distinct.
I never forget. Well, up to the present
I 've done nothing for the country in
its time of stress. When I say nothing,
I don't exactly mean that. A faqmi de
parler, don't you know ? But nothing
very practical. I 've written a cheque
or two, of course, and housed some
Belgians, poor devils ! But I 've done
nothing with myself ; I haven't put my
own peculiar talent into it. But now
I feel that the time's come; and witli
this organising gift of mine, of which
my friends speak so highly, I think I
ought really to be of great service to
those in power. Can't you suggest
anything for a born organiser to do ?
: I don't mind whether it 's in Downing
! Street, or Pall Mall, or where it is. In
, fact, I don't mind if it 's in France, so
; long as expenses are paid. I think it 's
only right to ask for them, don't you?
A labourer and his hire, don't you know ?
I And what costs nothing is too often
| worth nothing, eh ? But it must be
i sound organising work — armaments,
; stirring up the country, registering the
i slackers — I don't mind what. You '11
try to think of something, won't you ? "
I undertook to do so.
My regret is that I did not meet also
; D or even E and F. Because if I had
; I should have won their admiration
! and respect for the rest of their lives
: by my amazing skill as a clairvoyant.
"Hullo," I should have said, "I
know what you are thinking. You are
thinking that possibly I might be of
some use in helping you to a post as
organiser of some kind in connection
with the War. Because organising has
always b?,en your long suit. Muni-
tions or something ; it matters little so
long as your organising genius (and
genius is not too strong a word) could
have play."
And the odd tiling is that all the
time I had been thinking of applying
for some organising position for myself.
But now I shall not.
THE ENEMY IN OUR MIDST.
O FIERCE and vociferous Mentors,
Arch-geysers of infinite gush,
Whose cries, like a chorus of Stentors,
Put the peacock itself to the blush :
All terrible noises sound mellow
When matched with your pitiless
blare,
As you loose your pontifical bellow,
High priests of hot air !
While most politicians are sinking
Their feuds for the general weal,
You choose to exhibit, by thinking
Aloud, your implacable zeal;
Other scribes not unworthy of mention
Gude conceit of their gifties have
shown,
But never such cranial distension
Was hitherto known.
And the greater the perils of crabbing,
The sooner you yield to the itch
Of carping and grousing and blabbing
And queering the national pitch ;
You praise, and are far more effective
In damning than if you were mute ;
You rail, and enhance hy invective
A stablished repute.
There's room and to spare for the
writers —
Thank Heav'n there are scores of
them left —
Who cheer and encourage our fighters,
Who soothe and console the bereft ;
There is none in the time of our trials
For those who endeavour to blight
Our leaders with gall from the vials
Of organized spite.
Then come, let us boycott the boasters
Who daily enlarge on their skill,
Who foster the plague of the posters
And feed the disease of the bill ;
For it isn't the crisis that matters
So much as the pestilent ways
Of the critic who censures or Hatters,
Who postures and brays.
"As BARMAID, a respectable young man."
Adct. in " Morning Advertiser."
Shirkers should take up this idea and
disguise themselves as women. It
ought not to be difficult.
JIM: 2, 1!H.").';
IMNCII, OR TI1K LONDON CHABIVABI.
433
Iiitcnxcli/ j>:iti tittle Squire (mustering remnant of farm-hands). "Now, THEX, LADS, PULL VOCRSELVES TOGETHER. KITCIIKNER MAY
I:\TKND TUB AOK LIMIT YET."
THE SENSITIVE.
SUNDAY.
IT 's all over but the shouting. I have private information :
Berlin starving — horseflesh tickets — hungry millions
pouring in,
Choking all the roads to Potsdam, singing hymns of
execration,
•' One foo ours, one only, ' WILHEI.M " — KAISER'S rumoured
abdication —
Seen disguised at Nish and Lisbon — midnight flight by
Zeppelin.
MONDAY.
No news'' Never is. The papers fob us off with meresurmises,
Censor-shredded wireless canards, prophecies for next July ;
" Nothing to report," they tell us, " but Le Fiyaro advises
Vicl'ry everywhere impending." Fiction soothes till fact
surpris; s,
And the truth will slip its shackles and awake us by-
and-by.
TUESDAY.
Heard the news'.' Then you '11 acknowledge that my faith
is vindicated ;
I perceived the GRAND DUKE'S purpose, grasped the
subtle French design ;
Let them squander their resources ; patient, confident we I
waited
Till the tide had spent its fury ; then, with vigour unabated,
We in turn assume the offensive. June will see us cross
the Rhine.
WEDNESDAY.
It was madness to ai tempt it. Irretrievable disaster !
Turkey claims six Super-Dreadnoughts sunk outside the
Dardanelles ;
Not a single land-fort damaged. TIRPITZ chuckles, left
the master
Of the U -swept British waters. Ill news follows fast and
faster,
And — your ear ! — I 've secret knowledge, we have but
a fortnight's shells.
THURSDAY.
Right is might and doubt 's a traitor. Westward, through
the mountain passes.
Rolls the Cossack wave, submerging all the wide
Hungarian plain.
Culture, moribund, putrescent, voids its store of poison gases,
And the tattered Prussian eagle from Masurian morasses
Yelps " Gott strafe England," scuttling to the Vosges
and hack again.
FRIDAY.
I 'm an optimist by nature, but the Censor cannot blind us
To our Navy's disappearance and the deadlock in the
West.
KITCHENER himself confesses that a decade hence may find us
Still in Flanders digging trenches. And the Stop-PreiS
will remind us
" Ypres bombarded by the Germans. Our offensive in
arrest."
S.vn HDAY.
Best week's record since October, progress passing expecta-
tion—
Save my own ; I never doubted we had but to strike
to win.
" Patience, courage, calm assurance," that 's the watchword
for the nation.
Million Japsf« route, for Cracow ; I have private information.
It's all over but the shouting and the quick-march to
Berlin.
431
PUNCH, OH THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
-2. 1915.
THE COMING OF THE COALITION.
[With acknowledgments to GCIDO RENI'B fresco o£ Phoebus, Aurora and the Hours in the Palazzo Rospigliosi at Rome.]
FIELD KIT ALLOWANCE.
(How to earn £7 10s.)
EXTRACTS from the diary of a subal-
tern:—
Sept. 1st. — Received commission in
His Majesty's Forces. Gazetted
temporary sub-lieutenant R.F.A.
Oct. 1st.— Decided to apply for £7 10s.
Field Kit Allowance.
Oct. 2nd. — Wrote to local Paymaster
demanding £7 10s.
Oct. 10th.~- Received letter from Pay-
master requesting receipted bill
for articles bought.
Oct. IQth. — Forwarded receipted bill.
Oct. 21st. — Letter returned from Pay-
master with memorandum refer-
ring me to Messrs. Charing and
Cross, Government Agents.
Oct. 21st. — Wrote to local Paymaster
requesting return of receipted bill.
Nov. 1st.— Received bill. •
Nov. 1st. — Wrote to Messrs. Charing
and Cross enclosing receipted bill
and requesting payment of £7 10s.
Nov. 5th. — Received communication
from Messrs. Charing & Cross,
stating that only Government grant
and salary passed through their
hands, Field Kit Allowances being
paid by Regimental Paymaster at
Land's End.
Nov. 5th. — Wrote to Regimental Pay-
master at Land's End, enclosing
receipted bill, and requesting
£7 10s.
Nov. 22nd. — Received memorandum
from Regimental Paymaster stat-
ing that Field Kit Allowances must
l)e claimed within two months of
receiving commission. If claimed
after two months, certified state-
ment that claim has not already
• been made must be enclosed.
Nov. 22nd — Wrote to Regimental Pay-
master enclosing certified state-
ment.
Dec. 1th. — Memorandum from Regi-
mental Paymaster stating that
under Army Order X02Y Central,
on and after Dec. 4th, Field Kit
Allowances are paid into Messrs.
Charing and Cross. Receipted bill
and certified statement returned.
Dec. 1th. — Wrote to Messrs. Charing
and Cross, enclosing receipted bill
and certified statement, and asking
if Field Kit Allowance had been
paid into account.
Dec. 12th. — Communication from
Messrs. Charing and Cross, stating
that Army Order X02Y Central
only applies to officers gazetted on
or after Dec. 4th. Officers gaz-
etted previously obtain Field Kit
Allowance from Regimental Pay-
master at Land's End.
Dec. 13th. — Ordered ten days' sick-leave
by Medical Officer on account of
nervous breakdown.
Dec. 23rd.— Wrote a full and detailed
and moderately calm letter to
Regimental Paymaster at Land's
End. Wished him a Merry Christ-
mas and a Happy New Year, and
requested payment of £7 10s. Field
Kit Allowance. Enclosed receipted
bill, certified statement and Christ-
mas card.
Jan. 2nd. — Received sympathetic letter
from Regimental Paymaster, stat-
ing that all claims for Field Kit
Allowance must be accompanied
by Certificate K.Y.O.7635, to be ob-
tained from Commanding Officers.
Jan. 2nd. — Wrote to C.O. requesting
Certificate.
Jan. 21st. — -Wrote to C.O. requesting
Certificate.
Feb. 1th. — Wrote to C.O. requesting
Certificate.
Feb. 19th. — Received crushing letter
from Adjutant enclosing Certifi-
cate.
Feb. 19th.— Wrote to Regimental Pay-
master demanding Field Kit Allow-
ance. Enclosed Certificate K.Y.O.
7635.
Mar. 2nd. — Received cheque for £7 10s.
June 1st. — Able to sit up and take a
little nourishment.
Horti-Kultur.
" There are tales of snipers being captured
with their faces and hands stained green, and
their clothes hung about with leaves in order
to stimulate the vegetation in which they
hide." — Morning Post.
But we are glad to say that despite this
expedient the " plant " did not nourish
long.
" The German Catholic Deputy, Herr Erz-
berger, who took refuse in the Vatican . . .
has hastily left Rome in secret."
Daily Record and Mail.
To prevent any repetition of the incident
the Vatican authorities would be wise
to put up a notice, " Rubbish may not
be shot here."
"For years there was a prejudice in this
country against ready-made clothes — in fact,
that description is still disliked — but of course
there is no reason why a man of ' stock size '
should not be able to clad himself in this way."
The Observer.
Unless, of course, he has a prejudice
against ready-made verbs.
JONB Li, l!»ir,.i
PUNCH, 01! TIIK LONDON CIIAKIVAKI.
A CIVILIAN GUIDE TO THE ARMY.
\Vliy not use tin- moustui lu; t,> inilie.ilc military rank?
2ND lilEl'TEHAtTT.
LIEUTENANT.
CAPTAIN.
^ ]N 9
MAJOR.
COLONEL.
GKXKUU..
A SEA-CHANGE OF MIND.
Twickenham, May 3rd.
'< MY DEAR TANKER, — It is all right.
Batson says the fishing is excellent,
and the house is at my disposal ; the
caretaker will look after us and the
bailiff will show us the ropes. I can
get away for a fortnight, and if you can
travel by the Irish Mail Boat on the
20th I will complete arrangements.
Ever yours, BRANDON QUINN.
Ilampstead, May 1th.
MY HEAR QUINN, — Eight you are.
I 'in your man for the 20th. I feel
sorry for your Batson's salmon already.
How big are they, and are they fat
ones and fairly tame? What is their
favourite fly, and do they like a single
or :i double hook best? or shall I
bring prawns'.' and what about waders
and a harpoon?
Ever yours, P. S. TANKER.
Twickenham, May 5th.
MY DEAR TANKER, — Batson says it 's
all bank fishing, and prawns are no
use. Fly and spinners, which can be
got locally, are what are wanted.
Yours ever, BRANDON QUINN.
P.S.— What do you think about this
submarine scare?
Twickenham, May 9th.
DEAR TANKER, — You did not answer
my question about the submarines.
There is no doubt that there are lots
about, and they mean mischief. I feel
that to risk our lives in the pursuit of
pleasure is, perhaps, a little uncalled-
for just now. Will you let me know
what you think?
Ever yours, BRANDON QUINN.
Ilampstead, May Wth.
MY DEAR QUINN,- — The line I take is
that no German, in or out of a sub-
marine, is going to interfere with any
holiday of mine. It would be an ad-
mission of defeat. Besides the risk is
practically nil.
Yours, P. S. TANKER.
Twickenham, May !!</«.
DEAR TANKER, — I quite agree that
this country ought not to admit that
the German blockade is successful,
but we are too old to fight, and I do
not see what benefit it would be to the
country if we were blown up. Besides,
I have the office to think of, and the
Lawn Tennis Club, of which I am Sec-
retary and Treasurer. Who could take
my place? Then again, the risk is a
real one. The news of the past few
days leaves no doubt on that point. It
seems to me that we ought seriously to
consider whether it is right for us to go.
Yours, BRANDON QUINN.
Twickenham, May
DEAR TANKER, — Since writing this
morning I have seen a lady who came
from Ireland two days ago. She says
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[.TrxE 2, 1915.
it was a " nioxt unfili-asant " experience
anil one tliat she would not face again
for "laic or money." The boat went
the whole way under full steam, sag-
zagging about with lights out. I have
decided that 1 should be failing in my
duty to my numerous relations and
friends, and to the oftice and Tennis
Club, etc., if I risked my life for a
few days' salmon fishing. Besides,
salmon fishing is all a matter of luck,
and we might get very few fish or
none at all.
Yours sincerely,
BRANDON QUINN.
Hampstead, May 12th.
DEAR QUINN, — I do not feel inclined
to give ground to any piratical German
marauders. Your letter astonished
me. We know that there are sub-
marines about, but your only objec-
tion appears to be that adequate pre-
cautions are taken to elude them. I
understand that if the boat steamed
slowly on a direct course, with lights
burning brightly, you would be ready
to go in her. You remind nie of the
lady who refused to make a voyage in
a ship because she saw a lifebelt in
her cabin. By staying below you need
not know how the ship is being steered
or whether lights are burning or not.
You want to know too much. Your
job is to be properly seasick and to
leave the rest to the captain. It is
quite probable that you are not nearly
so popular at the oflice as you suppose,
and the Tennis Club will struggle along
without you all right, never fear. If
we are blown up we shall only fall into
water; fibre waistcoats that will float
one like a cork can be obtained ; water-
tight sandwich cases can be got for a
few shillings, and I know you already
possess a flask for keeping liquor hot.
If you dislike the idea of getting wet,
you can smear yourself with axle-
grease, which is quite cheap, and I will
gladly lend you a watch that keeps
better time wet than dry.
Yours very truly, P. S. TANKED.
Twickenham, May 14th.
DEAR TANKER, — I have been con-
sidering your letter, and in spite of its
uncalled-for levity I agree with you
that one ought not to admit that the
German blockade is achieving its pur-
pose by interfering with our holiday;
still one must not be unduly self-
indulgent. I hear that a submarine
was seen off Holyhead only two dai/s
atjo. I have made enquiries about
insurance rates, and they are prohibitive
when one's purpose is nothing but a
little fishing. I am sure you must
agree with me. It is not as if one had
only oneself to consider.
Yours, BRANDON QUINN.
Hcmpttead, May 15th.
DKAR QUINN, — It must be all bosh
about the submarine off Holyhead.
Someone has been frightened by a
lobster pot. However, you seem to
have made up your mind, so it is no
good saying any more on the subject.
Yours truly, P. S. TANKER.
Twickenham, May 16th.
DEAR TANKER, — Oh, all right. If
you are going to be huffy about not
going, let 's go. I 'in sure / don't mind
the risk if you don't.
Yours truly, BRANDON QUINN.
Hampstead, May llth.
MY DEAR QUINN, — I did not mean
to be " huffy." In point of fact I am
reconciled to giving up the holiday, for
when I got your previous letter I
showed it to a friend, and he made the
suggestion that if anything happened
to you and I felt when I got back that
it was due to my having persuaded you
from your better judgment I should
feel very uncomfortable indeed ; and I
am bound to say that I think I should.
It was a point that had not occurred to
me. Added to all this, I have just
consented to second a motion in favour
of a new stove-pipe at our annual
parish meeting, and I cannot very well
let them down as we are up against a
most formidable reactionary movement.
So I 'm afraid there is no chance of my
being able to come with you. I am
sorry. You see how it is, don't you ?
It 's not my fault, I mean ; I have all
along expressed my willingness to go,
as you know.
Ever, my dear Quinn,
Yours, P. S. TANKER.
From a report of the Gaming Eaid: —
"The principal male defendant was re-
manded on boil." — Yorkshire Post.
Tliat should teach him not to get into
hot water again.
" Germans boast that submarines are being
turned out at the rate of one a fortnight.
That is probably an exaggeration, but I know
for a fact that within the last threo or four
months twelve have been constructed at the
Hoboken works at Antwerp."
Mr. James Dunn in " Tlie Daily Mail."
Let us hope that his information is no
better than his arithmetic.
"2. Saluting the Fag. 'This ceremony, 'says
the leaflet, ' will doubtless appeal with deeper
and clearer meaning than ever before to the
children. It is suggested that it should be
made as general as possible."
Daily Telegraph.
This part of the Empire Day celebra-
tions was very widely observed by the
male juveniles at least ; and we noticed
that with patriotic discrimination they
usually selected the American and not
the Turkish variety.
THE STABLING.
THESE new Spring morning hours
I "ve heard
Outside my window in the grey
Of twilight dawn a vagrant bird
Giving a friendly world "Good day ' '
In strains picked up since last he
lodged with me —
" Ooh-ooh-aah-eeb."
This good-for-nothing vagabond
Will mimic anything he can ;
In Germany, e. a., he 's fond
Of sizzling with the frying-pan ;
And this new talk that whines from
note to note
Is learnt by rote.
He heard last Winter while abroad
Strange birds he likes to imitate
And in his own small way applaud —
Great birds that hadn't time to wait
Or chatter with him as they swung along
Screeching their song.
A million squealing shells have flown ;
And, though they all have passed
him by
Each with a mission of its own,
He still would greet them friendlily
And thought the cheerfullest thing thai-
he could do
Was to squeal too.
Now with the turning of the year
The little fellow 's back again,
And in his song I seem to hear
The scream of battle hurricane,
Where gathered guns of England,
Belgium, France
Thunder advance.
A Way they have at Southend.
" ' During the raid Southend,' said one eye-
witness, 'looked more or less as it does in
holiday times. The people were out, many of
them in their night attire, with an overcoat
hastily put on.' " — Morning Post.
" We owe to Sir John French the leadership
which has enabled a handful of men from the
British Islands, the Dominions, and India to
hold back the mightiest army in the world."
Daily Mail.
Still, it would have been only fair to
mention that some assistance was re-
ceived from General JOFFKE and his
platoon.
" f hcosemakers are in high spirits. They
are finding a keen demand for newly made
cheese at prices well over 80s. per c:-\vt., and
indeed the cheese is moving off as fast as it is
made." — Glasgow Herald.
Headed by the Gorgonzolas, whose
agility is well-known.
TITLE FOR MUNITIONS 5IisiSTp.ii.
LORD HIGH F.XPLOS1VK.
'J, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON rilAIMVAl;!.
i:J7
JONES SUPER-PATRIOT.
Jones (I 'in very sorry, but his mime
is really Jones) is a tnu; patriot, 0V6H
inch of him ; but unfortunately be hasn't
iniiny incbos. Nevertlielcss, the War
wasn't a week old before Jones' placed
all si.xi \-ono of them ut tlio disposal
of tin; nation. And they threw him
out because sixty one was not enough.
l.aler, when the official altitude-scale
was reduced, he offered them again;
but on this occasion they threw him
out. IK cau^c; his teeth camo from Wei-
Street. And when subsequent Is
the \Yar Office decided that false teeth
wcte not necessarily n barrier to a
military career; were, in fact, a valuable
asset in connection with bully-beef, they
threw him out because he saw nineteen
spols on a card that only possessed
se\en. And then, when the authorities
at last came to look upon pince-nez witli
a more benignant eye, t he\ llirew him
out because, while they had been busy
rejecting him for paucity of inches,
falsity of teeth, and debility of eyes,
Jones had passed the age-limit; and
when lie wanted to argue the point
with the Recruiting Officer they threw
him out once more for luck.
Then he tried for the Special Con-
stalmlarv, and the first night he
was on duty lie contracted pneumonia,
bronchitis, influenza and laryngitis.
And they threw him out of that because
they wanted Special Constables and
not collectors of germs.
When ho got better— and his con-
valescence was a long business not-
withstanding that his sentences ran
concurrently — be applied to join the
A. A. C. and would have got in if the
Medical Ollicer had not rung him up
on the stethoscope in order to hear his
wheels go round. As it was, the M.O.
informed Jones that be couldn't pass
him into the A.A.C; but if he was
anxious to "servo'' he might try
and get taken on at an A. B.C.; and it
finally took a retired Hear- Admiral, a
Chief Petty Oflicer, a Sergeant of
Marines anil an Elder Brother of Trinity
House to throw him out on that
occasion.
Disappointed but undaunted Jones
Bexl a i templed to qualify as a stretcher-
hearer in the Home Sen ice ISrai
""' hVd Cross. There, at any rate,
thes didn't seem so particular whether
his lini-s squeaked or not. But even
the\ threw him out when they found
that Jones's end of the stretcher was
al\\a\s six indies nearer to the ground
than the opposite end.
In desperation he tried to join bis
Defence Corps, but they wouldn't
MTe him there because, they said, lie
completely spoilt the look of their
.
"NOT MANY PEOPLE AWAY HOLIDAY-MAKING IN WAR-TIME, I SUPPOSE, MILKMAN?"
" WELL, MUM, YOU 'D BE SURPRISED ; AT LEAST FIVE GALLONS OF MY CUSTOMERS WERE
AWAY LAST WEEK-END."
parade. And when Jones expostulated,
and urged that the question of appear-
ance was a matter of individual taste,
and that for his part he would be
ashamed to be found dead wearing a
face like that of the Commander of
X Company, they fell upon him with
eager hands and drill-toughened feet,
and threw him ont yet once again.
Then, having done his best, Jones
went back to his business. A few
days ago i met him and he related the
foregoing experiences to me. " But
I 've found a way to help," he concluded,
"and it 's a help which they can't refuse
however ovcraged, undersized, weak-
e)ed and false-toothed I may be."
"Taking a course of elementary sur-
gery at one of the hospitals ? " I asked.
11 No."
" Making recruiting speeches ? "
" No."
"Putting in overtime and Sundays
at the Arsenal'.' "
"No."
"What then?"
" Something I 've never done before,"
said Jones, a little shamefacedly.
" I — I — I "m returning my Income Tax
Form to the Assessors with the correct
amount of my Income filled in."
Other patriots please copy.
"The formation of a black battalion li;i^
been under consideration for some time, ami ;i
number of coloured red men, many of tln-.n
born in Cardiff, have offered their services."
Daily Mail.
They will have to begin by dyeing for
their country.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
2, 1915.
A TERRITORIAL IN INDIA.
VIII.
MY DKAU MR. PUHCH,— Immense and
portentous events are taking place in
Kiiropo as I write, but among us the
•:rrat subject of discussion is mou-
Btaches, upon which, it would appear,
the strength and military glory of the
British Empire ultimately depend.
When the War broke out many of us
who are accustomed to go clean-shaven
in civilian life foolishly imagined that
King's Eegulation Number One-thou-
s;md-and-something would not in our
case be strictly enforced. In a period
of desperate emergency, we told our-
selves, the authorities would concen-
trate their efforts upon making us tit
for active service in the field in the
shortest possible time, and, recognising
that we were merely temporary soldiers,
would ignore our smooth upper lips.
During 'all these months we have
clung to this pleasant delusion, but at
last we have been undeceived. Some-
one in authority, I take it, has been
reviewing the situation after nine
months of war, and has found cause
for dissatisfaction. Everything was not
as it should be. Some undiscovered
influence was hindering the full success
of our arms. What could it be ? As
he was pondering, there was brought
to him the staggering information that
a number of Territorials in India were
shaving their upper lips. No wonder
the Germans had not yet been driven
out of Belgium.
So the fiat went forth, and now every
man of us, under the threat of hideous
penalties, is allowing the abhorred
fungus to sprout as freely as nature
permits, and the final defeat of the
Huns is doubtless in sight.
We of course accept this facial dis-
figurement for the period of the War
with the same resignation that we have
displayed with regard to our other dis-
comforts. If the maintenance of the
Empire depends upon hairy upper lips,
then the Territorials will never shrink
from their duty. Thus a suggestion
that we should show public resentment
by taking advantage of another pro-
vision of the same Regulation and grow-
ing side-whiskers was at once rejected
from motives of pure patriotism.
When I expressed the opinion, some
little time ago, that the tales about the
Indian climate with which we had
been regaled were much exaggerated, I
omitted to take the simple and obvious
precaution of touching wood. The
result is great heat, or, to employ the
more expressive language of the coun-
try, pukka garmi. We are sweltering
inside the walls of our Fort like
twopenny loaves in a baker's oven.
But every cloud has a silver lining,
and the hot weather has already worked
one beneficent miracle — we are allowed
to do certain of our guards, if we wish,
in shirtsleeves. To show the profound
nature of this revolution, let me describe
the authentic experience of a friend of
mine on Salisbury Plain in the far-away
days before we left England.
He was on guard one night, pacing
up and down in full inarching order,
when it began to rain heavily. My
friend had never been in such a situation
before, and it seemed to his unsophisti-
cated intelligence that it was foolish to
get wet through while a neatly-rolled
overcoat was strapped to his shoulders.
On the other hand he knew enough to
refrain from taking such a grave step
as to unroll the overcoat on his own
initiative, and he therefore called out
the Corporal of the Guard to consult
him on the matter. Unfortunately the
Corporal misunderstood the situation
and turned out the Guard, a proceeding
which made my friend for a time the
most unpopular man in the South of
England.
W hen this difficulty had been adjusted ,
an animated discussion on the problem
took place between the Corporal and
the Sergeant of the Guard. The former
was of opinion that nothing could be
done. If the Guard paraded with
rolled overcoats ho felt positive that
overcoats must be carried rolled for
the next twenty-four hours, whatever
happened.
The Sergeant, on the contrary, was
not quite sure. He had an idea that
there were circumstances in which it
was permissible to unroll an overcoat
and actually wrear it. But he was not
prepared to take the responsibility
upon himself, and he accordingly sent
the Corporal to request the Officer of
the day to step down to the guard tent.
"The Officer of the day was frankly
nonplussed, but, being young, was pre-
pared to take the risk. He therefore
sent out a very unwilling substitute
for my friend, while the latter (now
wet through) came into the tent to put
on his coat.
Both the Sergeant and the Corporal
were extremely horrified at my friend's
idea that he should merely slip on the
coat outside his equipment until the
rain stopped. Such a costume was
not provided for in Army Eegulations,
and could not be tolerated for a moment,
even in the middle of the night. So
he had to remove his belt, bandolier,
water-bottle, haversack, etc. (we were
not provided with the new webbing
equipment), and put them all on again
(properly adjusted) outside the over
coat.
Then arose another difficulty. The
Sergeant asserted that, if the Officer
was of opinion that the weather con-
ditions were such as to necessitate the
wearing of overcoats, all the men on
guard must wear theirs, so as to be
dressed alike. He was not the man
to shirk an unpleasant duty, and he
woke up the harassed Guard again
and made them go through the same
performance, to a steady accompani:
ment of muttered profanity. Then the
dripping substitute was called in, and
my friend went out to his post, to find
the storm over and the night full
of stars.
Thus you can understand why we
smile happily to ourselves as we leave
the guardroom to go on sentry in our
greybacks (if we wish), even though
the heat as we step outside seems to
leap up from the ground and hit us
with a bang in the face.
Another circumstance which marked
the arrival of the heat-wave proves-
that we are still strangers in a strange'
land. Man after man a short time ago,
used to return from his evening stroll
with the conviction that he was in for
a severe bilious attack. Each had
received that unmistakable warning —
the dancing of bright spots before the
eyes,
Our education proceeds. We know
now, when the familiar symptom
appears, that it is not biliousness but
fireflies.
Life is of necessity a very dull affair
for us hero, but the authorities, solicitous
as ever for our physical and mental
welfare, have recently devised a pastime
to keep us occupied during the long
hours of the day when it is too hot to
leave the barracks. They have served:
out mosquito nets and have given us
peremptory instructions to keep them
in proper repair. Now these nets are
so constructed that if one breathes
heavily they fly into holes. Conse-
quently we spend all our spare time
busily plying needle and cotton.
I should never have, believed that
material of such excessive flimsiness
could possibly be manufactured. The
other evening, I was lying on my bod,
watching a mosquito outside the net
busily seeking an entrance. At length,
weary of flying, he decided for a change
to continue his investigations on foot.
In landing (if you will believe me) he
broke clean through the net and fell on
my face with a crash.
Yours ever,
ONE OF THE PUNCH BRIGADE.
"The too of the Berlin press obviously
causes concern at Washington."
Manchester Guardian.
Can it be that it suggests the approach
of the Prussian jack-boot ?
JUNE 2,
PUNCH, OR T1IK LONDON CIIAK1VAIM.
439
Sergeant. " 'KRE, BROWN, WHAT ABE YOU KNOCKIN" YOUB 'onsus ABOUT FOR?"
Brawn. " PLEASE, SERGEANT, THEY'RE ALWAYS 'ANGIN' BACK. IF IT WASN'T FOB THEM TWO BLOOUIN' 'OKSES WE'D 'A' Bin
BERLIN MONTHS AOO."
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)
Mn. GALSWORTHY lias never been much in love with the
plain Englishman. He has often dealt him very shrewd
and cutting strokes. Perhaps he might plead that the
cruelty of deftly turning the knife in the wound cannot be
so very great, seeing that the victim (as' happens rather
from the nature of the victim than the operation) makes no
general sign of taking notice. In The Little Man and other
Satires (HEINEMANN) he is at his old task again. " The
Little Man " is, in form of a playlet, a fantastic study of an
odd, insignificant, pathetic idealist who finds himself, by
accident of travel, left with a strange woman's baby, and
faccis with equanimity the typhus with which it is thought
to be infected. Of course you can't state the case in such
bald terms without injustice to what is actually a very
amusing and effective trifle. But the meat of the book is in
the other satires, and chiefly " The Plain Man " and " The
Perfect One" (who is in fact- merely the Superplain One).
For, though Mr. GALSWORTHY scarifies The Artist, The
Critic and The Writer, the studies of these latter types
seem rather academic essays in the gentle art of flaying
•ilive, whereas the others express the author's characteristic
attitude towards life. His hand has not lost its cunning,
hut one feels that this is pre-eminently one of the many
books written before the War which the War throws out of
key. In the matter of the plain man, for instance, I doubt
if Mr. GALSWORTHY will ever again write or think of him in
quite the same way ; so obviously and so often in these
t;rim mouths has this simple, substantial type done the
plain, hard, right thing in the heroically right way; and
little shafts, such as " his eyes, with their look of out-
facing Death, fixed on the ball that he had just hit so hard,"
flutter lamely to the ground.
Most fervently I hope that the title of Dr. J. WILLIAM
WHITE'S book will not prevent it from achieving an enor-
mous circulation in this country. A Text-Book of the War
for Americans (WINSTON) is not exactly a seductive title, but
when that obstacle has been overcome you will thank me
for recommending one of the most illuminating books that
the War has brought forth. Dr. WHITE is a modest man,
out to tell the truth. He is surprised at the success that
his earlier work on the same subject has already gained in
America, but there is really no reason for wonder that so
lucid a statement of his case should attract and convince
countless readers. As everyone knows, the strong point of
the Allies' cause is that they have been able to lay their
facts upon the table of the world, and to ask that they may
be judged wholly and solely by them. But knowing the
justice of their cause they may occasionally have been
impatient with those who have not instantly and actively
recognised it. As regards America, for instance, some of us
may have been amazed that the invasion of Belgium and
the atrocities following upon that wanton act should have
called forth no official protest. Dr. WHITE makes no
excuse for this attitude of his country's government ; indeed
he deplores it deeply and is anxious, both for practical and
sentimental reasons, that the States should come at once
into the open and join the Allies. Had I ever whispered a
quarter as much on the subject of America's policy as
Dr. WHITE has openly said here, I should have expected
hornets to buzz around my ears, but I shall now fearlessly
admit that I agree with every word he has written. Out
of their own mouths Dr. WHITE proves the Germans again
410
1TNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JUNE 2, 1915.
and again to bo liars as reckless as they are futile, and the
efforts these mealy-mouthed apologists for German crimes
liavo been compelled to make in their attempts to explain
a\vay BKTHMAXN-HOLL\VEG'S famous excursion into truth
leave mo with such a feeling of nausea that for once I find
myself almost applauding MAXIMILIAN HARDEN when ho
writes, "May the Teuton devil throttle thoso whiners
whose pleas for excuses make us ludicrous in these hours of
lofty experience." What this "lofty experience" consists
of Dr. WHITE can tell you
absolutely damning.
lofty experience '
with proof irrefutable
and
In Unofficial (RKCKKR) Mr. BOIIUN LYNCH lias chosen to
study, with more sympathy than public opinion would be
likely to sanction, that typo whose world fell crashing
about it at the first shock of war — in a sense not easily
comprehended by the normal man. It is the type — artist,
philanthropist, philosopher, dilettante — to whom visions,
dreams, disquisitions, a perception and expression of beauty,
seemed the all-important pattern upon a rather tiresome,
ugly and unnecessary back -
ground of common life.
The background is sud-
denly smashed with a
dreadful violence, and the
patterns are left, as it
were, " bombinating in a
vacuum," like the School-
men's chimera. It is a
real tragedy of the spirit, !
and many of our modern
young men have had their
hour of agony before
their great decision. And :
it is in this fateful day !
an agony peculiar to the
youth of England ; for all
who know anything -of
self-mastery know that to
make is an immeasurably
harder thing than, how-
ever heroically, to accept
difficult decisions. To
their great honour they
or eight persons — the number varies — voyaging through
Scotland in two caravans ; and by an ingenious device
they tell the tale in a series of letters addressed to the
mother of two of them, who is also a mutual friend of the
others. I liked especially the rather subtle way in which
this unseen personage is drawn in at the end to have her
share in the inevitable engagements. But you needn't
bother about the story, which is of the slightest. The
characters are the charm of the book ; they all write ex-
ceedingly pleasant letters with a somewhat feminine tone
to them. They write, indeed, as clover women talk, delight-
fully, but a little too much. What seems most to have
impressed the publishers are the illustrations, "forty-eight
pages of them on a new plan." All that this means is that
somebody had a camera, and that the resulting snap-shots
are reproduced. They are very good ones, even if the con-
tinued reappearance of the caravan as the central object
makes a little for monotony; but as for being on a new plan,
well, any one who has ever endured the album of " What-
we-took-when-we-were-away " could contradict this flatly.
1 Still, I repeat that Summer
j Fricndsh ips is an agree-
able holiday book ; and
one, moreover, that might
. he of practical use to
those about to caravan
without previous experi-
ence of the art.
Antique Dealer (to grandson, wtio has made a new placard). "GENIUS,
MY CHILD — GENIUS ! PUT IT IN THE WINDOW AT ONCE."
have, even the least "likely" among them, so often
made them unflinchingly, like that young poet whose
ashes now lie in Lemnos. Mr. LYNCH has complicated
his hero's decision by involving him in an honourable
obligation to look after a helpless young wife deserted
by a blackguard husband. Naturally everyone diagnoses
the usual relationship, but the fact that it is so far a
Quixotic tie (liable, no doubt, to dissolve into the other
kind) complicates the problem. The question lies: Is it
this man's duty to enlist or to protect the life he has so
far sheltered ? The author is not the less true to life as
I have lately suffered
some genuine disappoint-
ment in reading "Kic'HAKD
DEHAN'S " volumes, of
short stories, so that her
! triumphant return to
I novel-writing in The Man
i of Iron (HEINEMANN) fills
; me with the purest
i pleasure ; and in spite of
my personal conviction
that the most wholesome
literature for war-time is
to be found in the works
of JANE AUSTEN or in
it is. in distinction to what it is supposed to be, in making
him determine on the final decision for enlistment in a
momentary mood of exaltation which has a swift reaction
of doubt. The play of motive and argument on a subtle
and fundamentally honest mind and temperament is very
CzL'l 1 fill ITT i~i , rr.r, . -4 . .. 1 Ti. I_ J.l_ _ 1 "
skilfully suggested,
yet struck.
It is the most real war novel I have
Summer Friendships (GRANT EICHABDS) is an agreeable
specimen of the touring story, as inaugurated by the late
WILLIAM BLACK. I am not saying that DOROTHY MUIB
has a pen as skilful as that of the chronicler of the Phaeton,
but she manages to make her travellers and their very mild
adventures sufficiently entertaining. , There are some" seven
Cranford, I confess that I make an exception in favour of
this vigorous tale of BISMARCK and 1870. The author, tells
us that the subject was long chosen and the book nearly
finished when the August of 1914 came to give it ;m
extraordinary aptness. "EiCHARD DEHAN " really knows
her subject, and there are telling scenes in England, in
Germany and in France, especially in the zone of war. In
fact, the hero and heroine, whose duty it is to hold 1 lie-
plot together, find it a task nearly, if not quite, too much
for them. But in any case, though the interest necessarily
centres round the giant figures of BISMARCK and MOLTKK,
who bulk huge through the book, I never forgot or wished
to forget the young Irishman, Patrick hrearjli, and his
charming lady, Juliette, true daughter of France. How
they cross the path of the Man of Iron, and know him in
his strength and weakness, is fully told — much too well,
indeed, for me to spoil things by telling you about it.
The last nine months may possibly have given you an
unusual, even a professional, interest in wars in general
and the German way with them in particular; in which
event you will bo as grateful as I am to " RICHARD DEHAN "
for a romance so well woven into a piece of living history.
"THE RIGHT TO KILL. LAST WEEKS."
Surely an optimistic view of the duration of the War.
JUNK 9. 1915.]
PUNCH, Oil TIIK LONDON CHAlllVAIir.
441
CHARIVARIA.
TIIKKF. is gnashing of t"cth in Gor-
iii. my. The Allan liner ('i>r<tican, with
700 women and 300 children onboard,
has arrived safely at Glasgow from
Canada. Someone, it is said, will have
to pay the penalty for allowing a cargo
such as this to escape.
"ROMAN REMAINS IN THK CITY,"
states a head-line in a contemporary.
The explanation probably is that he is
too old to return to Italy and take his
place in the firing line.
has published
" It does not matter to me," said a
Birmingham
:m<l gas-worker,
•whether I ;IMI under ( in man ;, Rus-
sians, or KMSKK WILLIAM, or anyone
else." That being so ho cannot Crumble
at having boon sentenced to bo under
Lock and Key for three months.
It
seems
almost
a pity that the
French should have found it necessary
to take the sugar refinery at Konchez
last week. Frankly we think it regret-
table that the modern Huns should be
deprived of any refining influence.
The Teleyraaf, of Amsterdam, reports
that the German military authorities
The Vossixchr
an article suggesting
that Austria should.
make friends with
Serbia by ottering her
a present of a slab of
A ustrian territory.
This would certainly be
a most strange ending
to Austria's punitive
expedition, and we sus-
pect that Serbia is
wondering where the
catch is. ......
' :|: '
A lesson to the pes-
simists here who make
mountains out of mole-
hills. The soldiers at
the Front have now,
The Morning Post tells
us, made a plain of
Hill (50. „, „
The fact that the
visit of the Zeppelins to
London was followed
by a boom in recruiting
in the Metropolis, is of
course being pointed to
by the Genn'ans as a
sign that Londoners now realise that it ] in Belgium have decided to entrust the
is not safe to remain in their city.
'• '
It is possible, however, that the result
will bo kept secret for fear of whetting
Germany's appetite.
The Homo Office has issued a denial
of the statement that it has ordered
that in all cases of deaths occurring in
baths an expert pathologist, should ho
called in. Wo hear Unit many nervous
married ladies never enter their baths
now without an inflatable blouse and a
life-buoy. ,,. +
*
A Brussels printer has been fined
forty pounds by the Germans for having
printed a prayer in which the phrase;
occurred, "Deliver us from ourenemies."
This is curious, as we
understood that the
Germans were now the
friends of the Belgians.
*
Modesty is an engag-
ing quality in a young
man, and the WarOffice
is said to have appre-
ciated the letter of a
youth with no mili-
tary experience what-
ever who, in applying
for a commission,
stated that he would
be quite willing to start
as a lieutenant.
" So vast is Art, so narrow human wit."
Cubist Artist (who is being arrested for espionage by local constable). " II Y DEAR
MAN, HAVE YOU NO ESTHETIC SENSE? CAN'T YOU SEE THAT THIS PICTURE IS
AN EMOTIONAL IMPRESSION OP THE INHERENT GLADNESS OP SPRING?"
Constable. " STOW FT, CLARENCE I D'YF.R THINK I DON'T KNOW A BLOOMIN"
PLAN WHEN I SEES ONE?"
The
stand,
HOME
cannot
SECRETARY,
his way
see
we under-
to allow
a distinguished Anglo-German who
dwells in our midst with his family to
exhibit, with a view to safeguarding his
home against Zeppelins, an illuminated
sky sign bearing the words " Gute leute
iroime.n hier" ("Good people live
here "). ,,. ,,.
The Berliner Tageblatt states that
Heir PHILIIT SASZKO, a Hungarian
artist resident in London, has been re-
moved from the list of members of a
Hungarian artistic society for having
adopted British nationality. This is
another lie. The compliment in ques-
I watching of the frontier to police dogs,
j each sentry having two of those animals
at his disposal ; and our Government
is now being blamed for keeping our
dogs in ignorance of the War which is
raging, and so preventing them volun-
teering for the Front and making short
work of the German hounds.
By the way, the Germans are said to
have induced their clogs to go to the
Front by a characteristic trick. The
animals were told that, if they did not
go, they would bo stored as emergency
rations.
# *
The Inland Revenue authorities anti-
cipate that the valuation of the whole
of the United Kingdom as provided for
ton lias been paid to Mr. PHILIP under the Finance Act of 1910 will be
! completed by the end of this month.
Commercial Candour.
Extract from money-
lender's circular : —
" Should business result
from this letter, either now
or in the future, I take
this opportunity of assuring
you that you will find my
methods honourable to the
smallest degree."
An extract from one of
Mr. BELLOC'S articles:
" It may fairly be said that the Trentino is
for the Austrians n defensive asset of the first
quality, and that if Italy can force it she will
have achieved a task which military opinion
as one of the
correspondingly
Inn hm hm jnmm."
throughout Europe regards
utmost difficulty, and will
raise her prestige. . . . hm 1
Mancliester Evening Chronicle.
For our part we consider the statement
to be almost a truism, and cannot
understand why the Manchester com-
positor should be so sceptical about it.
" The merry month of May has played her
daintiest pranks, and the page of the calendar
that ends on Monday will be indexed among
those which are to be found among the super-
lative adjectives in the list of the weatherwise.
Nature has contrived to crowd its most wonder-
ful whims into the thirty-two days of the fickle
month." — SmethvicJc Telephone.
Even at Smethwick, you see, The
Telephone cannot avoid its besetting
sin—" Wrong number ! "
VOL. CXLVIII.
A A
•111!
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JUNE 9, 1915.
TO A MINSTREL, CONE TO THE WARS.
iii!i T :\\\" --.Jl-rlirly grimiest . . .".
(' ,/ ! ;':,; ; i (Hi Hi .•/•/•..*).
KIN to liim that stormed the portal
\Ylioio the poet passed his prime —
Iliiu, the grinder, made immortal
My a spell of radiant rhyme ;
Type peculiarly Italian,
"Whose exotic airs (and ape)
Live upon the bronze medallion
BLADES alone knew how to shape;
Loftier yet had been his carol
If he'd seen you .go to-day,
Round your neck the well-slung barrel,
Light of lu'iiit to join the fray.
}
For with many a loud Evviva !
You are called to pitch your tent
Where the ridges look 'on Riva
And the vale runs north to Trent.
There they need the heartening succour
Of your instrument's appeals
To infuse a finer pju,ck or
Aid digestion after meals.
Ycu shall play them into action
Like the pipes whose eerie wail
Seems to give such satisfaction
To the sentimental Gael.
Fresh as paint your Bersaglieri
Shall negotiate the heights
As you grind out" Tipperary"
Up among the Dolomites.
Mobile as the climbing squirrel
You shall make the mountains hum,
Till your music, heard in Tirol,
Strikes the native yodlers dumb.
Go ! and, mindful of Magenta, •
Crrurn and churn the martial strain
Till Italia Irredenta
By your art is born again.
Then (for I am getting wordy),
When you 've floored your ancient
foe,
We will crown your hurdy-gurdy
With the homage of Soho !
O. S.
We understand that General VON
HINDENBUKG, having .now been com-
manded South by the EMPEROR to take
charge of the Italian campaign after his
successive exploits in the East and
West, is negotiating with Miss MAR-
GARET COOPER for the Continental sing-
ing lights of that popular ditty, Waltz
me round i/i/ant, Willie.
The announcement that Stonehenge
is for sale comes at an opportune
moment, when we are all looking for
something handy to throw at the
K.'. ISER.
MEDITATIONS OF MARCUS O'REILLY.
I DON'T know why I am in Ballybun.
I volunteered for the Front, and the
(invernment sent me at once as far to
the West as the Atlantic Ocean would
let it. Perhaps it had seen me shoot.
Cecilia thinks it had seen me in puttees.
It is true that with me they never stay
put, but in a good deep trench this would
never be noticed by the men behind.
You have guessed right ; Cecilia and I
are related by marriage.
Cecilia is the most delightful woman
in the world, but I fear she disapproves
of Ballybun. She says it is so different
from dear Baling. In Baling, she says,
no lady going ' shopping would be
knocked down by a pig coming out of
a grocer's shop with a straw in his
mouth. Perhaps the pigs in Baling
do not chew straws. And Cecilia was
not knocked down. And didn't Mrs.
Quinn apologise in the most handsome
manner to the sweet foreign lady ?
This, Cecilia said, was the last straw,
as if an Englishwoman, even on the
Continent.'c'ould ever be a foreigner. It
has been no use explaining that people
from the next county are foreigners in
Ballybun. I fear this^still rankles in
Cecilia's mind.
Gecilia;,thinks we are unpunctual
in the West of Ireland. We are not.
As I have tried to show her, Time,
according to the greatest philosophers,
has"no real existence; and we are all
philosophers. If a meeting is sum-
moned for half-past three on Monday
"evening," as long as the chairman is
in the chair by six on Wednesday no
one worries. That is why we all live
so long in the West. There was old
Patsy Gollogher of Lisnahinch Cross
Roads who remembered the Battle of
Waterloo and, if you gave him a glass
or two, the Spanish Armada ; he simply
refused to die. They had to induce
him. Cecilia will not believe in Patsy
Gollogher. It is true they promised
us our house in six days and that we
did not get in for six weeks. But as I
pointed out to her the people here are
mystics, especially the working-men.
She said mystics would not paper half
the drawing-room wrong side up and
then leave the work for two days to go
to the races. I said they would.
The little house looked beautiful once:
we had settled in. Perhaps they should
not have washed their paint-brushes in
the bath-room. They don't, it seems,
in Baling. Fogarty, the paper-hanger
(he 's not a real paper-hanger, of course,
but his cousin had a sore thumb), clean
forgot one strip of paper in the draw-
ing-room. He told me he had it all
wet on the back verandah, but Mulli-
gan's goat came through the hedge and
ate it on him. Cecilia says it is absurd
to think an able-bodied man like
Fogarty would allow so small a goat to
knock him down and then sit on him
eating wall-paper. It is no use ex-
plaining to her, hut she regards Fogarty
as untruthful. It 's a pity, as they
cannot match the paper owing to the
War, and it was the last strip. Still, it
was hardly Fogarty's fault, and with
the big screen in front of it no one
could tell it wasn't there.
Fogarty is an invaluable man and
can do anything. He has never ;uiy-
thing particular to do, and so I have
been sending him on errands chiefly to
the waterworks to implore them ' to
send our water up. Thanks to him a
trickle came through yesterday, but
someone else has it to-day. In the
intervals of water-finding • Fogarty is
hanging the pictures for us. Fogarty
tells me — and he is always ready for a
little conversation — that all his family
are born water-finders. I -wonder if
Cecilia will notice the marks of
Fogarty's boots on the top of the
piano. It was a wedding present. I
must give Fogarty a hint.
Lunch was late again to-day. Maiy
Ellen had mislaid the leg of mutton,
Fogarty found it for her. That man is
a born iinder. ,1 told Fogarty to find a
good place in the hall for the hat-rack
and -put it up. I then ; went in to
lunch. It was our first lunch together
in peace since the last painter went out.
I filled Cecilia aj glass of wine and I was
just about to say, " At last, darling, we
have our peaceful little home to our-
selves, free of painters and plasteiers
and paper-hangers and plumbers ! "
when Mary Ellen burst in the door with
a shriek, "For the love of Heaven, Sir
and Ma'am, come quick, Fogarty has us
all drowned ! "
I rushed into the hall, and my breath
was taken away by ' a jet of water
which swept from the end of the hall
into the road. Fogarty, it seems, had
driven the nail for the hat-rack into a
concealed water-pipe. He was trying
to stop the stream, which came down
one of his sleeves and out at the other,
with an ancient pocket-handkerchief,
muttering to console himself, " Look at
that now, and I only making a small
hole. Will nobody turn her off at the
main ? "
Fogarty had found water.
Another Impending Apology.
On the retirement of a public
official : —
" His intentions with reference to remain-
ing a valued and respected member of the
community are understood to be indefinite."
Natal
PUNCH, OH THE LONDON CHAKIVAIU. .IT.NK «.), 1915.
THE DOGS OF WAR.
Tun ROUMANIAN DOG. "I SAY, THAT'S A SIGHT THAT MAKES YOU STRAIN AT THE
LKASH— WHAT?"
THE BULGARIAN DOG. " RA— THER ! "
JI:NK 9, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
445
-....*
MORE PEOPLE WE SHOULD LIKE TO SEE INTERNED.
Jlnstcsi. " NO, I HAVE NO RELATIVES AT THE FRONT. TUB WAB MAKES NO DIFFERENCE TO DARLING BONIFACE AND ME, EXCEPTING
THAT, OF COURSE, I HAVE REDUCED MY SUBSCRIPTIONS."
THE IMPISH PEDANT.
THE passion for scoring off others is
in some persons deeply rooted. No
one held it in greater esteem than a late
friend, whom I will call Mr. Aberdeen,
because that was the place of his birth,
lie was blessed with an impassive face,
which never betrayed the fun lurking
behind it, and his general demeanour
was so sedate and respectable that none
of liis victims suspected mischief. He
played no practical jokes ; he was the
soul of courtesy in his own walk of life ;
but the very sight of anyone in the
position of an underling excited him to
a process which he himself might term
the elongation of the nether limb.
One. of his favourite devices was
the adoption of exact but unfamiliar
periphrasis. Thus, needing Punch, he
would ask young bookstall clerks for
Tin: London Charivari, and for years
before the sub-title was given up his
enquiry at evening was for The Globe
and Tniri'lli'r. Recent journalistic
Amalgamations afforded fresh- chances
and he had the satisfaction of demanding
both The Daily Neics and Leader and
The Star and Echo before he passed
away.
He would gravely ask a porter if he
thought that he could find him a taxi-
meter cab, or if there were facilities at
this or that terminus for sending a
message by the electric telegraph. Cub-
men he bewildered by the request for
change in " bronze," and if they had
none it was his delight to convey the
question (like a boomerang) to the
nearest policeman, with whose Force
the phrase of course originated.
A similar meticulousness would ac-
company his purchase of theatre tickets.
" You are quite surethatMissGERTRUDE
MLLLAII will be in the cast ? " he would
say to the box office attendant ; or
" Mr. HENRY TATE is not absent, I
trust."
A Concession to Mrs. Orundy.
" DRESS. — Reference Garrison Order G64 of
16th April, 1915. Officers above the rank of
2nd Lieutenant may wear trousers when in
the town." — Garrison Orders, Weymouth.
" A week ago the Liberal Government, with
Lord Kitchener as War Minister, Mr. Churchill
and Lord Fisher at the Admiralty, and most
of the other offices held by well-tired states-
men, appeared to be firmly established and
likely to last as long as the war."
Daily Sketch.
Truth will out, even in a misprint.
Human Fortresses.
"The Germans rained bombs in rapid
succession in the central part of the town.
Three fell almost at the same moment in
Burdett-aveiiue, one hitting and scorching a
tree on the pavement, one — a shrapnel bomb
— striking the roof of a special constable and
flying upwards instead of downwards."
Daily News.
" During the advance of General Mackenson
from Gorlitze by Jaroslav to Naklo, north-east
of Przemysl, an officer holding a responsible
position received within a short space of time
10,000 bombs on his front."
NetccasHe Evening Mail.
" Darjeeling, May 8.
Mr. Sherlock Holmes was arrested on the
evening 1st at Kurseong for impersonating a
Police Officer and has been bailed."
Uenjalee (Calcutta).
A case of professional jealousy, no
doubt. We are waiting to hear what
Watson has to say about it.
" DORSET COAST. — Furnished, inaccessible
fifteenth century COTTAGE ; four bedrooms,
bath-room, kitchen, sitting-room ; twelfth
century chapel ; no neighbours ; sea two
minutes; station five miles." — The Friend.
And three centuries between cottage
and chapel. No, it is too inaccessible
for our taste.
446
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JUNE 9, 191.5.
THE STAMPS OF FORTUNE.
OUR GKKAT NEW WAR SERIAL.
A Romance of L: re, \\'ur uiul 1'hilately.
Deluded.)
;iopsis of preceding chapters and cliar-
MteN i" the sti.ry. which takes place ill the
autumn of 1914.
J-'.miliit ir<ir<v/;j,i//V. a swcit ynuil" English
girl, possessor of a magnificent Stamp Collec-
tion inherited from her father, which includes
a 11 1 1 iquc set of San Salvador 1890 issuc(uuuscd) .
She is in love with
Jlarvld I'mtirink. a splendid young English
athlete and enthusiastic philatelist, employed
,ii M, •mart's drain! Kmporium.
Sti-iiiiii-t. a wealthy naturalised merchant,
only interested in stamps as a side-line on
which money might be made. He presses his
unwelcome attentions on Emilia, but
has no real love for her, his only wish
being to obtain possession of the
priceless Salvadors.
He really loves
Magda Ivanumtch, a beautiful ad-
venturess, whom he employs to ab-
stract valuable stamps from famous
collections. She cherishes a secret
passion for Harold, and hopes to
tempt him from his Emilia by pan-
dering to his craving for hitherto
unobtainable specimens.
Steinart, having discovered that his
employ^ dares to be his rival with
Emilia, has sent him on a special
mission to Germany, and in his
absence calls on Emilia. During the
interview, which takes place in the
room containing the famous collec-
tion , Steinart suddenly informs Emilia
that war has been declared between
England and Germany, and that
Harold has been interned in Germany
as a spy.
Emilia faints with the shock of the
announcement, and when she recovers
finds that the German has taken his
departure, along with the priceless
ease of San Salvadors !
Meanwhile Harold Pootwink, im-
mured in the prison fortress of
Schweiuoberundunterwolfenberg, has
had a midnight visit from Magda
Ivanovitch, who by the offer of some
specimens of marvellous rarity tries
to induce him to leave his prison with
her in her airship.
Harold nobly resists the temptress, who in
rage and despair revenges herself by throwing
his precious stamp album into the river flowing
past the castle walls. The loving work of a
lifetime is lost for ever, and Harold resigns
himself to hopeless grief.]
in the last chapter she was sitting in | once or twice, but I snap the finders
her luxuriously furnished flat in Brixton, 'only. I am too clever to he caught;
listlessly looking over some of the | and as for your cellar and your wireless
philatelic treasures she had risked HO no living soul can know of them but
much to obtain. Her pet snake looked ourselves, and your secret is safe with
on over her shoulder, and there was a me."
noticeable similarity in the steely glitter j "But it is not safe with me," cried
of their eyes when any particularly i Emilia Watermark, as she flung open
the door to admit a file of special con-
stables. " Officers, do your duty ! "
As this is the last we shall hear of
the villain and villainess we may add
that, three Zeppelins, complete with
their crews and bombs, having been dis-
WHAT ARE
YOU DOING
FOR THE
EMPIRE
superb specimen was handled.
Her maid announced a visitor, and
Magda, laying aside her cigarette and
throwing the snake to the other end of
the couch, made room beside herself
for Steinart.
" You are late, my friend," she said ! covered in his cellar, Steinart was sen-
coldly. Then, noticing his wild hunted tenced to a long term of imprisonment
appearance, "What has happened?" under the Act for Prevention of Cruelty
to Women and Children.
Magda Ivanovitch was in-
terned on a lonely island in the
Pacific, where she was out of
temptation, the island having no
collection — on Sundays or any
other day — while the pet snake
received naturalization papers
and was given an honest English
home in the Zoo.
CHAPTER XLIX.
When Steinart and his ac-
complices had been safely dis-
posed of, Emilia awoke to the
fact that she was almost pen-
niless. For months she had
lived for nothing but to complete
the evidence against herenemies.
Money had been spent like
water, and to gain her object
she had even sold part of the
famous collection at a sacrifice.
The Salvadors had of course
been returned to her by the
police, but, alas ! in the mean-
time a secret hoard of the same
issue had been discovered in
an obscure pawnshop, and the
once unique stamps were hardly
worth the paper they were printed on,
THE PATRIOT'S SACRIFICE.
Barber. "ANYTHING ELSE, SIR?"
Customer (who JMS been sJiaved). "I 'LL GET YOU TO TEIM
MY HAIR A LITTLE LESS KAISERISH."
CHAPTER XUVIII.
Magda Ivanovitch had returned
she cried. " Do not say you have lost
the Salvadors ! "
"The Salvadors! Bah!" he replied.
Gott strafe England ! Donnerwetter !
Not the Salvadors alone, but all I
possess, mine life itself, are in danger.
For some times past haf I by a figure
I draped in black closely followed been,
to ; Last night, as I out of the secret
London, after her unsuccessful attempt entrance to the cellar creep, I think I
to seduce Harold Pootwink from his ' glimpse it. To-day, when I send a mes-
early love, with a heart full of bitter- sage by the wireless in the wastepaper
ness and disappointment. Even the j basket of mine private office concealed,
unhealthy excitement of abstracting
rare specimens from public or private
I haf a haunting feeling I am by those
unseen eyes observed. We must leaf
Stamp Collections had palled on her. the country at once, before all is dis-
In this mood the capricious beauty j covered." With a groan he sank down
welcomed the devotion of Steinart, | on the end of the couch occupied by
whom she had formerly despised, and j the snake, and rose again hurriedly.
allowed him to regard himself as herj " Calm yourself, my friend," returned
accepted lover.
Some weeks after the events narrated
Magda a trifle contemptuously. " I
also have seen your veiled figures, not
the market price quoted being Is. 9d.
for the entire set. She was now keep-
ing body and soul together on a miser-
able pittance of £300 a year.
Her only link with the past was a
large tin trunk filled with the letters
which Harold had written her daily,
nay, almost hourly, since his departure
for Germany. The very envelopes were
dear to her and were numbered from
1 up to 325, this being the last one
Harold had posted before his arrest.
One evening, as had become her
custom, she was seated 011 the floor
beside the trunk, re-reading the precious
words of the lover she might never see
again, when a manly step outside her
door made her heart beat high with a
new hope. In an instant she was on
her feet, in another she was in Harold's
arms.
9, 1915.]
PUNCir, Oil Till? LONDON GIF A It I V AIM.
447
[Tlicro will now be an interval of ten
minutes, and we will rejoin the happy
pair when their conversation becomes
intelligible . . .]
" J5ut yon have not yet told mo how
you escaped, darling," went on Kmilia,
her voice sounding mu filed and far
away owing to the position of her face
on 1 larold's hri
'•Simply enough," he replied. "As
soon as the Commandant realised (hat
I was a stamp-collector my trials were
at an end. He said he could never con-
ceive of a genuine philatelist being
guilty of any other crime. And you,
di'.irest," be &sked tenderly, " bow has
it been with you under the terrible
strain of my absence '? "
In return Kmiliamadebimacquaintrd
with all that had happened, and when
she described the final scene in the
Hrixton flat Harold was deeply moved.
Now that Steinart, Magda and the pet
snake were safely provided for he felt
that the last obstacle to their immediate
marriage was removed, and drew her
even closer to his breast as lie told
her so.
Emilia answered with a troubled
look. " You forget, dearest, that I am
practically a pauper, that Steinart's
I'lmporimn is in dissolution, and that
you are out of employment."
In the joy of their reunion Harold
had forgotten these points, and now in
utter despair he sat down heavily on
the tin trunk.
Suddenly his eyes sparkled, he
grasped a few dozens of the envelopes
scattered over the floor and exclaimed,
" My angel girl ! We are saved ! We
are rich ! What good spirit told you
to preserve these German stamps?
Why, every one of them is now obso-
lete. The (id-man Empire exists no
longer I All stocks of stamps in the
)«>si offices were destroyed by order of
the Allies as they advanced to Berlin,
and the dealers are offering unheard-of
figures for the few specimens that
remain."
There is little more; left to add.
Harold and Emilia disposed of the
German Umpire stamps for a princely
sum. Their marriage took place im-
mediately, and their lives, which had
been so troubled, flowed on together in
a happy dream of love.
H is at the close of a golden Summer
day that we catch our last glimpse of
t In1 devoted pair.
' lla\e \oii forgotten, dearest," says
Emilia softly, "that Tuesday next is
our darling little Harold's fourth birth-
day'.'"
"No," replies her husband. "lam
just now thinking over what present
we could give him."
"CAN YOU WONDER THAT OUR STATE8JUN SOMKTIMKS MAKK MISTAKKS? \\'HY, ONLT
YESTERDAY I GOT INTO A 'BUS THAT WAS GOING IN TUB WRONG DIRECTION ! "
" Only last week," Emilia returns,
" I found him trying to suck the stamp
off an old envelope ! Don't you think
it is quite time the little dear had a
stamp album of his very own ? "
And Harold, with tears of happiness
in his eyes, embraces the kindred
spirit whose every finer impulse accords
so sweetly with his own.
Shakspeare on the Alien Peril.
" O let me have no subject enemies
\Vlicn ad verse foreigners affright my towns !"
Kiny John, Act I\'. tic. '2.
The Huns' Proverb.
The band that wrecks the cradle
rules the world.
Political Fashions.
" Sir Edward Carson, in black, with black
Trilby hat, looking very grave ; Sir. Clavell
Saltor in a bowler hat ; Mr. Hayes
Fisher in an elegant green motor-car; and
several members of Parliament almost hidden
by khaki disguise, were among the first on tho
scene." — Evening Standard.
Mr. HAYES FISHER'S remarkable cos-
tume was doubtless intended to
distinguish him from the ex-Ministers
" in the cart."
" It is still stated in certain circles profess-
ing to be well informed that Lord Fisher will
return to the Admiralty as Fish Sea Lord."
Worcestershire Echo.
This is a fish-story that we decline to
believe.
146
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JUNE 9, 1015.
ON THE SPY-TRAIL.
VI.
Jimmy says that when his blood-
hound Faithful lius picked up the trail
of a (MI in. in spy he sometimes adopts
a ruse in order to approach his victim.
,liiniii\ sa\s Kait'iful is a good ni^ei,
and he has often seen him scratching
his head - and his hack thinking-hard.
.Jimmy says Faithful thought of a
splendid way of coming up to a spy
under cover; it was like tliey did to
Macbeth with some laburnum woods,
only it wasn't woods, it was a wild
cow.
, Jimmy says the wild cow had been
taking a walk all by itself, and when it
turned in at his gate he thought at first
that it had come to deliver the milk
itself because of the War. Jimmy says
the cow didn't seem to know what it
had come in for until it saw Faithful.
Jimmy says as soon as he saw the
way Faithful looked at the cow lie
knew Faithful was going to use it for
a purpose, and that Faithful had got
some ruse up his sleeve.
Jimmy says they first started wag-
ging tails at one another. Jimmy says
the cow was a better wagger than his
bloodhound, because it could do fancy
loops, and it was all Faithful could do
to keep his end up. Jimmy says the
wild cow got a bit cocky over it, and
lifted up its stomach and coughed right
in Faithful's face. Jimmy says it was
awful, because you know what blood-
hounds can do with wild cows. Tliey
just catch them by the nose and fasten
on there tight for ever, and in time the
wild cow dies of hunger, because it is
unable to browse with a bloodhound
like that ; and then the bloodhound
goes home just as if nothing had hap-
pened, and you say, " Where have you
been all this time? "
But Faithful's training came to his
aid and helped him to deny himself the
nose-grip, Jimmy says, and he could
see Faithful bending the cow to work
his will.
Jimmy says Faithful's first rush made
tlie wild cow tilt up and down and
swing its bulk about just to show off
its agility. But it made no difference
to Faithful ; he simply went behind
the kennel and began pulling himself
together until the cow had got over it.
Faithful just kept one eye round the
corner of the kennel biding his time.
Jimmy says the cow tried to throw its
head at Faithful, but it couldn't work
it loose enough, and then Faithful,
rushing round, made a fearful grab at
the cow's ankle and drove it right hack
into tlie corner of the garden.
.Jimmy says it made the cow get
desperate and it bit off tlie top of a
cabbage, and began wagging its ears
and working its lower jaw from side to
side at Faithful, like you do when you
want to mesmerise anyone. But it
was no good, so (lie cow sounded the
horn for Faithful to get out of tlie way
and made a fearful plunge; Faithful
hurled liimself to one side and gave a
bay that shook the cow to its core, and
the cow took a standing jump right
through the hedge into the next
garden.
Jimmy says the cow went mad when
it got into tlie next garden ; it began
swinging its head loose and looping
tlie loop over Hower-beds and things.
Jimmy says it was because it felt so
relieved; but, when it had straightened
itself out again and saw Faithful
making a bee-line for it, it pushed up
its tail in the air as high as it could get
it, just to say good-bye, and then went
right through another hedge into a
garden where a man was watering
seeds. Jimmy wondered whether this
was the spy Faithful was using the
cow for.
Jimmy says the man wasn't thinking
of bloodhounds and wild cows, and all
be could do at first was to open his
mouth wide and pour the water from
the watering-can into one of his slip-
pers. Jimmy says it took the man
nearly half a minute to throw the
watering-can at the wild cow, and then
he only thought of it because his slip-
per wouldn't hold any more water and
the wild cow was trying to walk the
tight rope over some black cotton he
had put down to keep the sparrows off
his peas.
Jimmy says the cow began to look
unstrung. It 's awful to think a blood-
hound is tracking you down, Jimmy
says. It 's like a rabbit when a stoat
is after it ; no matter how far it runs
there the stoat is coming along after it
three fields away and so the rabbit just
lies down and squeals. Jimmy says
the cow kept looking for a place to lie
down and squeal in, but the man would
keep on bothering it with flower-pots,
so the cow wormed its way through
another hedge. Jimmy says the man
said it was a horned cow and he gave
Faithful leave to eat it alive.
Jimmy knew the boy in tlie next
garden, and when the boy saw the cow
and Jimmy and Faithful he sat down
and laughed nearly as much as Jimmy
did. You see the boy's father and
mother had gone out, and they had the
cow all to themselves, and it was a nice
bright day and there was a wall on the
other side of the garden.
Jimmy says they played with the
cow, whilst Faithful, who had cast aside
all disguise, Hung himself openly
the trail of the lurking spy.
on
Jimmy says tlie boy know all about
wild cows ; you do it with a lasso
made out of the clotlies-line, and you
don't want a saddle because you don't
stay on long enough.
Jimmy says the man who owned the
cow easily tracked it down because HO
many people kept showing the cow's
imprints to him.
Jimmy says when the cow saw the
man it ran up to him and asked him
to take care of it.
Jimmy says they were just going to
ask the man what the cow's name was
when they heard the deep haying of
Jimmy's bloodhound. Jimmy says he
always feels excited when his blood-
hound has worked out his ruse ; it 's
like when you work out a problem in
arithmetic and then look at the answer
at the end of the book — it 's the sur-
prise, Jimmy says.
Jimmy says they soon found the
traces of Faithful's deadly work ; they
were in the coalhouse and it was the
cook. They found her with her nose
pressed against a lump of coal. When
the cook came to she said that all she
remembered was going to fetch some
coal to make up the fire, and she had
just shovelled up a nice piece and was
carrying it out when it put up its wet
nose against her face and barked at
her.
Jimmy says you should never try to
shovel up bloodhounds ; it only makes
them worse.
Jimmy asked the boy if he knew the
cook must be a German, and then
the boy told him. He said his father
and mother had gone to the War Office
to get them to send a regiment of
soldiers to intern the cook because she
was a German, but she had been born
in Ireland.
Jimmy soon found his bloodhound ;
they could hear him tracking for more
spies in the larder, and when they got
to him he was searching a cold rice
pudding.
" Against that ambition England will always
send forth her last ship and her last man."
" The Tiine.i' " Literary Supplement.
Excellent for a single occasion ; but
we can't keep on doing it.
From a list of the new Cabinet in a
French local paper : —
"Interieur: Sir Mac-Kenne. Premier lord
del'amiraute: SirBalfour. Secretaires d'Etat
pour 1'Irlande et 1'Ecosse: Sirs Birrel et
Macrhiimon. JIM. Wood Attorney, gciK'r.il
Edward Carson, Winston, Churchill restent
drfinitivcmcnt dans le nouveau cabinet."
The military title conferred upon Sir
EDWARD CAHSON is a reminder of un-
happy far-off days and battles (in
Ulster) long ago.
.1, M: '.), \\nr,.\
ruNCir, OR TIIK LONDON CIIAKIVAIM.
149
Youth. "If'& ALL VERY WKI.1. TO TALK ABOUT POLICEWOMEN. BUT WHAT COULD THEY DO AGAINST US WEN?"
One of Die three ladles (promptly). " I SUPPOSE THE AUTHOWTIES THINK THAT THEY WOULD BE QUITE A HATCH FOB THOSE WHO HAVE
I1KMA1NED AT HOME."
THE WATCH DOGS.
MY DEAR CHARLES, — No doubt you •
are feeling it is just about time I had j
a battle for you. Very well, then.
The most important feature in our,
daily routine, next to the tinned meat j
and vegetable ration, is the possibility
of poisonous gas. You have already ,
heard from me as to the ration, a
choice mixture of cooked meat, veget- j
alile and gravy, which is eaten cold by .
the la/.y soldier, hot by the industriously
luxurious, but without the gravy by
tin- cautious dyspeptic. So much for
that. Of t ho gas you have heard much,
but you cannot have heard as much as
\\e have. Ever since it first spread!
itself, our life has been one long lesson,
tical and practical, as to how to
he | in-pared for, to avoid, to neutralise, ,
to cure, or, failing all else, to cough up
again the revolting vapour. We have
lectured and been lectured so incess-
antly and remorselessly on the subject
that every member of the audience
al\\ays knows what word to expect'
next and is never disappointed. We
have had Chlorine Parades and Bromine
Drill ad infinitum. We wear respirators
attached to all parts of our person and
equipment, and are suddenly ordered to
fit them on at the most unusual and un-
comfortable moments. So rigorous is
the discipline in the matter that Lieu-
tenant-Colonels beyond number are said
to have been reduced to the rank of
unpaid Lance-Corporals (" at their own
request ") in consequence of their being
discovered not wearing these respirators
while performing their morning ablu-
tions. One officer, of rank so high
that I dare not mention it, looks, when
enclosed in his black muslin attach-
ment, like The (iirl Who Took the
Wrong Turning, but even so he lias no
dispensation. With all this, and more,
what wonder that the mere thought of
gas lies as heavily on our minds as the
gas itself is said to lie on its victim's
chest or as the meat and vegetable
ration (if eaten hot with gravy) lies on
the consumer's ?
It bad been, on the whole, a peaceful
evening ; I suppose we had not ex-
pended more than a few hundred
pounds' worth of ammunition upon the
German trenches or received more than
a fair return in precious metals. At any
1 rate, neither side had shown any real
| animosity or malice, and I for my part
: retired, as did all officers and men of
I the first watch, and rested at my usual
I hour of midnight in my handsomely
furnished apartment in the East Wing.
The details of what happened I have
mostly compiled from the immediate
actors in the drama ; for the best of the
time I was gax.ing over the parapet,
convincing myself that I was not in a
punt in a Thames back-water, as I had
supposed two minutes ago.
It appears that a sentry away to our
Jeft had been diligently watching at his
post when he felt himself being over-
• come. (He is quite firm that he saw
the gas, lots of it, but is not very vivid
with his details.) With one supreme
effort he managed to shout the fateful
word " Gas ! " — the most recent and
least difficult of military operations,
and then collapsed. Down the line
came the word, starting in a whisper,
ending in a yell. I myself heard the
call repeated in every possible accent,
surprise, indignation, interrogation,
curiosity, incredulity, amusement, in-
teresting information, command ; or as
if to say " We 've been told to shout
4f)0
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CI I A III VMM
[JUNE 9, 1915.
Anxious Wife (watching Jier husband as lie replaces dust-cap after cleaning new rifle). "THAT'S RIGHT, DEAR. YOU'LL ALWAYS KEEP
:E STOPPER ON WHEN YOU'RE HOT USING IT, WON'T YOU? I'M SO NERVOUS ABOUT THE CHILDREN PLAYING WITH IT."
' Gas ! ' when anyone else shouts
' Gas ! ' and so we now shout ' Gas ! '
but we do so without prejudice and
accepting no personal responsibility in
the matter.". And a private was heard
to ask amidst all the bustle, " I say, Len,
is it all correct about this gas they 're
talking of ? " Of one thing I was
persuaded as I set about waking up
thoroughly ; wherever I was and who-
ever I might be, the leading topic of
the moment was undoubtedly gas. All
else was a melee of men gagging them-
selves and each other with their hands
and apparently working the bolts of
their ritles in rapid tire with their feet.
Besides the personal precautions,
there were also a hundred things to be
done and a hundred men to do them.
The darkness was no obstacle, efficiency
was everywhere. In less than no time
the man with the ammonia pump had
sprayed the parapets and all things
tangible with his powerful lotion, and
bad got upwards of a pint of it down
the neck of his section commander,
with whom, by a curious coincidence,
he had not been on speaking terms
during the previous day. Within about
the same time our Company Sergeant-
Major had "crimed" seven privates for
breathing in through the nose and out
through the mouth, instead of breathing,
as directed, in through the mouth and
out through the nose. It is said that
our Adjutant was overheard shouting
thickly through his own apparatus,
"Fix . . . respirators ! One: one, two."
I believe that one of the anti-gas-bomb
party was so rapid in throwing the
bombs out that his colleague and
assistant had no time to find, much
less fix, the fuses, and I can speak from
bitter experience of the activity of the
man with the flares, whose apparatus
is locally known as the joy pistol. He
operated so close to me on this occasion
that I '11 swear I felt one of those rowdy
stars pass through one of my ears and
out through the other. Only one man
remained idle, our quaint sanitary man.
Hanging at the Sergeant-Major's heels
he kept imploring him, with pathetic
insistence, " Wot bin I to do, Mister?"
The only other details calling for
notice are the case of the excited cor-
poral who found, after it was all over,
that he had eaten the bulk of the medi-
cated cotton-waste in his respirator ;
the " old soldier " who was caught
sleeping light and spent the period of
action searching for his boots ; the
curious invisibility of the gas ; and the
remarkable fact that the wind was in
the wrong diiection ; and the unsatis-
factory, if not criminal, conduct of the
machine-gun officer, who informed all
inquirers that he wasn't going to fire
his old machine-gun until he saw
something to fire at.
Charles, whatever the sceptics may
say, it was a magnificent to-do and
an overwhelming victory. Don't you
believe anything to the contrary ; for
the ten who pooh-pooh the idea a
hundred will confirm the fact of gas and
will tell you exactly what it feels and
tastes like. The further we get from
the event the more precise the details
of it become in the correspondence of
my platoon. Men who were once
sceptical themselves have since recalled
elaborate and convincing details of black
clouds and pungent smells. You must
not share or even sympathise with the
contempt of one incorrigible in my
platoon who, as soon as the rapid fire
ceased, was heard to call over the
parapet in that peculiarly raucous and
penetrating voice of his, " Put another
shilling in the meter, Allemand ! " If it
is indeed admitted that that original
sentry is notoriously imprudent in his
consumption of the Tinned Meat and
Vegetable Eation and had, that very
evening, excelled all his own previous
efforts with the rich gravy,, what on
earth, I ask you, can that have to do
with it all ? Yours ever, HEXKY.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— JUNK 9, 1915.
THE WORD-LORD.
KUSKK (to Uncle 8am). "EVERYTHING CAN BE EXPLAINED: I CAN PUT THE WHOLE
THING IN A NUTSHELL, IP YOU'LL ONLY LISTEN TO ME FOR THREE YEAES, OR
TIIK DURATION OF THE WAR."
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
45.3
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
(KXTllACTKIl I HOM -1IIK DlAHY OF T<I!.Y, M.I'.)
Ilottxc <>/ ' 'I'liiiiiinis, Thursday, Srd oj
Jiini'. House rea.-semhled alter Whit- I
sun Recess. Great things had happened
in interval. Liberal Ministry under
leadership of Asyrmi broken up. In
ils place a Coalition Government, in
which LANSHOWNE, PHINUE Aicrnru,
BONAU LAW and other Unionist chief-
tains figure.
Result naturally expected to be ob-
literation of Opposition. Realised as
far as organisation goes. But if
PREMIER supposed that because the!
two Front Benches have be-
come a united force, sharing
the good things of Office, Hon.
Members below Gangway on
either side will relinquish right
of free-born Englishmen to
criticise, even to oppose, propo-
sitions coming from Treasury
Bench ho was quickly unde-
ceived.
Disillusion came with very
first legislative proposal of new
Government. HOME SECRE-
TARY (Sir JOHN SIMON, vice
McKuNNA, gone to Treasury)
moved for leave to introduce
Bill suspending statute which
requires Members newly ap-
pointed to places of profit under
the Crown to submit them-
selves for re-election. Pleading
urgency of case in view of
desirability of new Ministers
getting immediately to their
task of grappling with necessi-
ties created by War, he asked
House to pass the Bill through
all its stages at current sitting.
Now or never for the new
Opposition. Inchoate in form,
lacking a leader, it would by
a moment's hesitation have lost its
opportunity. The Coalition Govern-
ment would have enjoyed privilege
secured for its predecessor by habit of
BONAK LAW and bis friends of refrain-
ing from obstructing measures recom-
mended in interests of public service.
As occasionally happens at great
crises, with the striking of the Hour the
Man appeared.
It was Mr. GINNELL!
Rising from bench below Gangway,
where on a famous occasion he held
the Speaker-nominate at bay for half-
an-hour by Westminster clock, be de-
nounced the Bill as an affront to the
electorate. The proposal to pass it
through all its stages at a single sitting
ho resented as an infringement of
rights of Members. Encouraged by
cheers from below Gangway on both
sides 1 1 e new Leader of the Opposition-
in-t he-making went on to describe the lot? What field will he assigned to
measure as put forwaid by Ministers him \\hciein lie may find fresh
to suit their private ( nds, instigated triumph for his tireless energy and his
thereto by the J'HMMIKH, who, " posing administrative genius? India s|
as a Liberal, is a Tory at bottom." of. Suggest ion accepted with modified
This phrase so pleased him that he approval. To he Secretary of State
emphatically repeated it during pauses for India would mean attainment of
;oiied by his notes getting mixed high historic position. Just now, with
up. Device, ingenious in its concep- , no vital question Stirling its multitudes,
Urn, proved his ruin. After having a little dull after hourly excitement of
thrice called him to order the SI'KAKKH the Admiralty. Still, compared with
peremptorily directed him to resume
bis seat.
This awkwa.d.
But did not mini-
mise importance of two facts established
at this first sitting under Coalition
THE SOLDIER AND THE MUNITION-WORKER.
" WK 'RE BOTH NEEDED TO SERVE THE GUNS ! "
[With acknowledgments to a popular poster.']
Ministry. There is still an Opposition
party in the House of Commons and it
has found its Leader.
Business done. — Re-election of Min-
isters Bill passed all stages and sent to
Lords. Bill creating Minister of
Munitions read first time.
Friday. — PREMIER has keen sense
of humour; but it is rather receptive
than creative. This makes morestriking
the one flash that irradiates bis con-
struction of new Ministry. Known in
advance that the WINSOME WINSTON
had severed connection with Admiralty,
a department in which at very outset of
War he achieved brilliant stroke that
materially influenced its course and
earned for him what should be ever-
lasting gratitude of nation.
Question everyone asking up to
Tuesday in last week was, What
Ministerial post will fall to WINSTON'S
anything else available, India would
serve.
When official list of re-constructed
Cabinet circulated, the PUKMIEK'H little
joke bad full success of surprise. The
buoyant, occasionally turbu-
lent, tirelessly active, still
young Minister, who by sheer
merit has won his way to
front rank of British states-
men, is to-day Chancellor of
the Duchy of Lancaster, cus-
todian of an annual revenue
slightly exceeding £100,000,
administered by a stalT of less
than a score — including, it is
true, a Coroner.
There is about the arrange-
ment something that recalls
the deportation of NAPOLEON
to Elba. " The Duchy," as it
is called for short, is a sort of
Chelsea Hospital for states-
men past work who have esta-
blished a claim upon their
Party. Towards close of his
active career JOHN BRIGHT
dwelt in it. Lord JAMES OF
HEREFORD and Sir HENRY
FOWLER, after long term of
office, in turn succeeded.
And now WINSTON, scarcely
yet in prime of life as years
count, drops into the easy-
chair.
Business done. — Royal
Assent given by commission to Re-
election of Ministers Bill.
The Baptism of Fire.
" On the font near Seddel Bahr artillery
and rifle fire was exchanged."
Liverpool Daily Post.
Extract from a letter from the
Front :—
" We are in reserve, not as soft a job as it
sounds : Reveille at 5.0 ; parade at 6.0 ; Swedish
drill till 8.0; parade at 9.0; Swedish drill till
12.0; parade at 2.0; Swedish drill till 3.0.
Gott strafe Sweden."
" The next attraction at the Princess's
Theatre will be a production of the historical
costume drama entitled ' Lady Godiva,' which
was recently seen at the Adelphi Theatre,
Sydney, and caused something of a sensation."
Melbourne Punch.
As originally presented at Coventry
we believe it was not a costume drama.
454
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JUNE 9, 1915.
Social. "ONE OP THE BOMBS FELL LESS THAN TWENTY \ABDS FEOM WHERE I WAS ON DUTY THE OTHEB NIGHT. "
Six. " REALLY ! How EXCITING ! DID IT WAKE YOU ? "
REPENTANCE.
AT the unusual sound of cheering in
a London street — at so undemonstra-
tive an hour as 9.15 A.M. — I turned and
stopped. Down Charing Cross Eoad
came three taxis, each containing many
hags and many young men — certainly
seven young men in each, packed high
and low — and each containing two or
more of that heautiful red-white-and-
green flag which flutters so gaily and
bravely over puhlic buildings in Rome
and Florence and Turin, Venice, Verona
and Milan, and on festa days (which
come several times a week) in all the
villages of the loveliest land on earth.
The young men waved and shouted,
and apathetic London, which has never
yet cheered its own soldiers through
the street, shouted back. For these
were young Italians on their way to
Italy, and there is something about a
foreigner hastening home to fight for
his country that would seem to be
vastly more splendid than the sight
of our own compatriots leaving home
for the same purpose. So oddly are we
English made.
Still, these young fellows were so
jolly and eager, and even in the moment
of time permitted by their sudden
apparition it was so possible to envisage
war's horrors in front of them, that no
wonder there was this unwonted en-
thusiasm in the Charing Cross Eoad at
9.15. A.M. Besides, Italy had been a
long time coming in ...
A block brought the taxis to a stand-
still just by me, and I was conscious of
something familiar about the youth in
grey on the very summit of the first.
He had perched himself on the fixed
fore-part of the cab, and knelt there
waving a straw hat in one hand and
his country's flag in the other. And
suddenly, although his face was all
aglow and his mouth twisted by his
clamour, I recognised him as a waiter
at the — well, at a well-known restau-
rant, whose stupidity had given me
from day to day much cause for irrita-
tion and to whom I have again and
again been, I fear, exceedingly unplea-
sant. Less than a week ago 1 had been
more than usually sharp. And now
; I found myself trying to catch his eye
and throw into my recognition of him
not only admiration but even affection
— a look that would convince him in-
stantly that I wished every impatienl
word unsaid. But he was too excitec
to see anything in particular. His
gaze was for the London that he hac
lived in and was now leaving, and foi
that London as a whole; and his
thoughts were on his native land anc
the larger life before him. He hac
no eyes for a bad - tempered Englisl
customer. (And quite right too.)
In a few moments off they all went
again, and with them went my thoughts
— to their beautiful land of sunshine
and lizards, blue skies and lovolj
decay, and absurd gesticulating mer
with hearts of gold. With thorn wen
my envy too, for it must be wonderfu
to be young and able to give u\
waiting and strike a blow for one's
country.
Since then I have found myself say
ing to myself, I don't know how many
times, " I wish he had seen me."
Old lady, selling red-white-and-green
flags during the passing of the Italiut
procession through the West-end :-
" 'Ere you are ; on'y a penny ; all silk
another Alien for England ! "
JUNK 9, 1916.]
PUNCH, Oil TIIK LONDON CIIAIMVAKI.
455
Wax
TOU USB YOUB BRAINS, DOUGLAS?"
'BECAUSE I WANT THEM TO LAST.'
IMPROVING THE OCCASION.
(Being some metrical suggestions for the
encouragement of Home Travel.)
To LOVERS OF BEAUTY.
" SEE Naples and die "
In the days long gone by
Was a saying of wide circulation ;
" See Blackpool and live "
Is the counsel I give
To all who require recreation.
Why he lured from Old England to roam
By the charm of melodious names ?
There are plenty of places at homo
With quite as euphonious claims.
Yon may talk of Bollaggios and sich,
I call them mere musical footle,
They never attain to the pitch
Of Chirk, Ballybunnion and Bootle.
To GLIMMERS.
If you 're anxious for to shino
In the mountaineering line
And desire an object worthy of your
mettle,
Don't allow your thirst for fame
To inspire you with the aim
Of escalading Popocatapetl.
No, spend a brace of weeks
On MacGillycuddy's Reeks,
They will put you in the very finest
fettle ;
And what is more, your choice
Will infallibly rejoice
The heart of good Professor T. M.
KETTLE.
As it 's costly to seek
Aconcagua's Peak,
With its crown of perpetual snow,
Be contented and hie
To the Coolins of Skye,
They 're the handiest Andes I know.
Though Switzerland seems just at
present
Too near the War zone to be pleasant,
All its charms are supplied
In our Lake countryside,
Excepting the merry Swiss peasant.
To EXPLORERS.
Leave Darkest Africa alone
Until the war-cloud 's overblown —
We 've a Black Country of our own
Where BENNETT sits upon his throne.
SCOTLAND FOR EVER.
The famous capital of Greece,
Though nominally still at peace,
Is in a state of ebullition ;
But why regret it ? Have we not
A Modern Athens on the spoi
Replete with classical tradition '?
If you 're feeling run down
By the racket of town,
Which the best constitution enfeeble?,
Health, pastime and pleasure
You '11 find in full measure
On the Scots Riviera at Peebles.
" It is understood that the campaign in
Skibberccn and district has been successful,
several young men, principally shot assistants,
having come forward and volunteered."
Cork Constitutu.n,
Recruits who ba,ve already been under
fire are, of course, particularly valuable
"As the result of a vigorous bombardment
on Friday the enemy was forced to make a
voluntary retreat at one point of his line."
Yorkshire Telegraph.
This mancxmvre resembles what hunt-
ing-men call " taking a voluntary."
" One mother, a widow, was asked by her
son in Australia for her permission to volun-
teer for the front. She cabled him at once : —
'Join the Austrian contingent. — Mother.' "
Kingston (Jamaica) Daily Chronicle.
Traitress !
156
PUNCH, Oil THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JUNE 9, 1915.
AT THE PLAY.
" AiiM.u;i:m>ON."
IN his series of tableaux parlants
Mr. Sn:riiKN PHILLIPS conducts us on
ii kind of Jlnndn-ise, or circular tour.
Starting from Hell and returning to
confirmed by a vision from the unseen
world (Heaven, in this case). The
purpose served by the apparition (it
was JOAN OF ARC in full armour) might
have had some plausibility if she had
presented herself to the French, and
not the English, General. And so it
Hell, we assist at the bombardment of was in the original book ; but when I
Rlieims ; a domestic scene in an English tell you that the actor-manager took
orchard ; the operations of the Official
German Press Bureau ; and the cap-
ture of Cologne by the Allies. Imagi-
nation, you will gather, is brought into
perilously sharp contrast with the
realities of to-day ; and it is not con-
fined to the realm of Satan, but
permeates the Headquarters of the 5th
German Army Corps before Eheims,
where the types are almost incredibly
cm-Teuton in appearance.
In two of his more practical tableaux
the author wisely resorts to prose. A
third scene, where an English mother
learns of the death of her son in action,
lends itself more easily to poetic treat-
ment ; yet even here we are conscious
of the old incongruity of blank verse
as a medium for the emotions, however
elemental, of the hour that is. The verse
suffers by its association with actuality ;
and the realism of the drama suffers
by the literary form in which it is con-
veyed. The most unlikely people are
made to poetize on Hellenic lines.
Thus the mother and the girl
who is betrothed to the soldier-
son hold a sort of antiphonal
competition, like the half-platoons
of a Greek chorus, on the splen-
dours of military service; and
later, when they have heard the
tragic tidings (delivered in prose
by the boy's late tutor), and are
both broken with grief, they start
a fresh argument on their com-
parative claims to the crown of
sorrow.
But in the fourth of the terres-
trial tableaux there was a chance
for heroic declamation. It is
true that you might not expect
the Generals of the advanced
armies of France, Belgium and
England to utilize the occupation
of Cologne for the delivery of a
resiime of the motives actuating
their respective countries. But the
conditions may be allowed to pass
for the sake of the noble eloquence
with which the French and
Belgian Generals (and in par-
Satan (Mr. MABTIN HARVEY) takes cover
from a searchlight.
the part of the Englishman you will
understand the reason for this disas-
trous substitution which was the ruin
of the scene. For, apart from the
unfortunate relations established a few
centuries ago between Joan of Arc and
the English, General Murdoch was
already inclined to a policy of humane-
ness, whereas General Larrier stood
in plain need of conversion.
The scope
that
humour — humour,
Headquarters Staff of Hell for the
period of the War. His claim had been
advanced in the following words : —
THE JACKDAW OF EHEIMS.
Abbi of Rlieims .... Mr. MARTIN HARVEY.
Yon der Trenk .... Mr. CHARLES GLENNEY.
ticular the latter) claim the avenger's limited in a play about Armageddon,
right to sack the city. The English ! But Mr. PHILLIPS found a fairly easy
General, pleading the loftiness of ; and obvious occasion for it in the scene
England's cause, opposes himself to
their passion for reprisal ; and, though
shaken by news
mutilation of his
of the death and
own son, reiterates
of the German Official Press Bureau.
It had been foreshadowed by Belial,
" Lord of Lies," who, along with
the shade of Attila, had, in the Pro-
liis resolve to forgo revenge, and is | logue, been given a commission on the
" If any deem that I too lightly
In such assembly, and appear to jest,
Remember, iu losing humour we lose all ;
The thought provokes a spiritual sweat."
So now we know where the Spirit of
Comedy comes from. For the humour
of Hell is apparently cosmopolitan and
not merely Germanic. One catches a
hint in it of the manner of our own
censorship. Thus :
"Rumour. I give this as report, though
unconfirmed.
TSclial. I am content that this report go
forth,
But hold myself no way responsible."
I don't know Satan really well, in a
personal sense, and so cannot say
whether Mr. MARTIN HARVEY was a
good imitation of him. But I gather
that the Master of Hell wears fewer
clothes than his subordinates and talks
enormously louder than anybody else.
His long pointed wings — faintly sug-
gestive of a butterfly existence —
afforded goqd cover when used as an
umbrella to keep out the searchlight
of Heaven. For the rest, the author
made a brave show with his arch-devil,
though perhaps a little conscious of
the literary effort that was asked of him
view of the fact that MILTON had
already passed that way.
The play, as always with Mr.
STEPHEN PHILLIPS' work, con-
tained some great lines, and the
actors, with one or two ex-
ceptions, did justice both to
rhythm and rhetoric. Best, per-
haps, was the passage, finely
delivered by Mr. FISHER WHITE,
in which the Belgian General,
clamorous for revenge, rehearses
the wrongs of his country. Herr
Weiss, Director of the Official
German Press Bureau, was almost
the only alien enemy who suc-
ceeded in suggesting his origin,
and Mr. FEANKLIN DYALL was
excellent in the part. Mr. COOKE
BERESFORD, as his First Reporter,
•whose business it was to mani-
pulate the Iks about London, was
quietly effective. Mr. GLENNEY,
as Count roi der Trenk, was
blustering and brutal, but might
have CDme from anywhere but
Germany. Mr. EDWARD SASS
was very sound and workmanlike
as General Larrier, and so was
MARY RORKE as an English
Miss
matron.
Also a word of compliment must be
given to the brief performance of Miss
MAUD RIVERS (as a French peasant-
girl), who cleverly skirted the fringe of
melodrama. As for the supers, Mr.
MARTIN HARVEY was always a little
JCNI: 9, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
4.V7
'My FRIEND, I DON'T LIKE THE LOOK OF THINGS. THEY MEAN BUSINESS. No ONE IN ENGLAND HOW
CBICKET-BALL.
provincial in the matter of these ac-
cessories.
I cannot close without warning my
friends to take their respirators with
them when they go to view Armageddon, \
for there is an asphyxiating shell (three-
incli and French) which penetrates the
(lerman Headquarters and reduces its
occupants to a condition of permanent
coma (painless, you will be glad to
hear), in which they preserve the atti-
tude of the moment ; and its fumes
achieve the object of all dramatic art,
which is to get across the footlights.
O. S.
"THE ANGEL IN THE HOUSE."
WHAT ought a critic to do when he
finds by the continuous ripple of
laughter throughout the performance
that a play is obviously more attrac-
tive to other people than to himself?
1' irst , perhaps, to examine the condition
of his liver; and next, if he finds
nothing amiss there, to ask himself,
like the fox-terrier in the advertisement,
"\Vliat is it that Master likes so!
much ? Messrs. EDEN PHILLPOTTS '
and MACDONALD HASTINGS, the authors |
of the new comedy at the Savoy, owe j
a good deal of their success, I fancy, to
the all-round excellence of the cast, the
skill of the " producer," and the bright-
ness of the First Act. We are intro-
duced to a fine old English family in a'
fine old English country house. Sir
liupert Bindtoss, Baronet and widower,
is one of those benevolent and slightly
eccentric " old gentlemen whom Mr.
HOLMAN CLARK plays so well. His
household consists of two charming
daughters (Miss VERA COBURN and Miss
MARY GLYNNE), their fiances, and their
chaperon, Lady Sarel. But it is pre-
sently increased by the Hon. Hyacinth
I'etavel, son of an old flame of Sir
Rupert's, and commended by his mother
in a letter written in articulo mortis as
" an angel in any house." Preceded
by a quantity of luggage, including a
parrot, and accompanied by three lap-
dogs, Hyacinth arrives. He proves to
be " a mother's darling " of the most
pestilential variety — selfish, hypochon-
driacal and opinionated — and at once
shows his intention of taking command
of the family.
In the Second Act, a fortnight later,
we find him fully installed as domestic
tyrant, with all the household, save the
two young men, at his feet. Sir Rupert
has acquiesced in the alteration of his
meals, the disfigurement of his garden
by " topiary " monstrosities, the keeping
up of gigantic fires in August, and the
banishment of his family portraits and
Greek busts in favour of Futurist pro-
ductions, on which Hyacinth lectures
at interminable length. He even per-
suades the girls that in the interests of
Eugenics and the " unborn " it is their
duty to break off their engagements
and exchange lovers. This ia the last
straw. The young men plan revenge.
The Third Act finds all the party
picnicking at the Temple of Eros on
an island in the lake. The lovers
arrange that Hyacinth and Lady Sarel
shall be left stranded as night falls,
reckoning that the " angel's " suscepti-
bility to cold and Lady Sard's obvious
penchant for him will bring them to-
gether. So it falls out. A capital scene,
in the course of which Hyacinth con-
sents to borrow her ladyship's flannel-
petticoat, ends in his proposing mar-
riage on account of her " beautiful
temperature." Lady TBEE gives an
admirable portrait of the amorous
widow, and Mr. IKVINO is absolutely
lifelike — in the Second Act I found
him almost too lifelike — as the bore.
The play would be improved if it were
taken a little more quickly, and if the
" angel's " speeches were slightly cur-
tailed. Some of the "eugenic ' ' jocosities
could perhaps be spared with advantage,
though I am bound to say that the
audience seemed to enjoy them. L.
" The French official report shows that the
weather has stopped fighting." — Daily Mail.
It is good to hear that our most
dangerous enemy is hors de combat.
But for how long, we wonder ?
458
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JUNE 9, 1915.
UNWRITTEN LETTERS TO THE KAISER.
No. XXIII.
(From John Brown, of London.)
Siu, Tliis letter is intended for your benefit, and, that
being 80, 1 ought not, perhaps, to write it. However, you
will mm v ,!•(•< ive it — you are too well guarded for that, and
1 haven't the least douht that everything calculated to
upset your preconceived opinions and to set up the truth in
their place will be kept away from you with the utmost
rigour. My conscience is therefore clear; I run no risk of
doing good to the alien arch-enemy, and can freely write
this letter to relieve my own feelings. And even if by
some outside chance it should come before your august
nd penetrate into your heroic mind it would merely
make you angry and thus disturb such judgment as is left
to you after ten months of war.
In the first place I strongly advise you not to believe
implicitly every rumour that may come to you .as to the
attitude of the British people in regard to this War. We
are a peaceable folk and we don't enjoy being at war-
that much may readily be granted. But we realise that it
is our duty, being in this quarrel, so to bear it that the
opposer (yourself) may beware of us. We rejoice certainly
in the high courage and gallant bearing of our troops and
we rejoice equally in the unquenchable humour and cheer-
fulness with which they support death and wounds and
suffering. It is our business as a nation to see to it that
they shall not have fought in vain and that the great cause
of liberty shall have been maintained unimpaired against
your brutal assaults. This duty, hard and painful as it is,
we are firmly determined to carry through, whatever the
cost may be to us.
But you may answer that you read occasional numbers
of The Daily Gloom, and that you gather from these a very
different impression. The Daily Gloom has repeatedly
declared and keeps on declaring that our people have hardly
realised that a war is going on. We are, it appears, sunk
in sloth, and our young men, far from having made an un-
paralleled effort, are, most of them, waiting timidly at home
until they shall be fetched and compelled to don khaki and
go into the trenches. They are, in fact, slackers and
shirkers, and it is useless for the recruiting-sergeants to din
their duty into their ears, for they will only yield to com-
pulsion and not to persuasion. As for the working men,
who are the backbone of the nation, they all prefer drink
and holidays to work, and they have a special dislike for the
making of munitions. They must be nagged and ragged
into doing what they ought to do. The inhabitants of
England generally, not having seen their cathedrals and
their homes destroyed by big guns, are by no means suffi-
ciently Cimmerian to please the critic. In one column they
are told to change their minds and lengthen their faces and
to take example by the Germans, who in every department
of life — at least, so I infer — show a discipline and a despon-
dency worthy both of the highest praise and of our slavish
imitation. Yet in another column of the same organ some
neutral observer assures us that the German people, having
been hypnotised by the lies they have learnt to believe, are
serenely happy and quite confident ; that they do not
despond at all, that their food is ample and that their
Professors still discourse on the mild virtues of Germany
and the intolerable wickedness of other nations. What are
we to believe ?
Well, the fact is, of course, that our beloved Daily Gloom
does not really want us to despair quite so despairingly as
the tone of its articles might imply. It has a policy to
promote, and it thinks that unless a certain object is at
once secured we shall all go to ruin. And so it writes
jeremiads and summons to its aid Bishops and Arch-
deacons and University dons and angry puzzled patriots.
As to the merits of that policy I say nothing here. What
I wish to make clear to you is that this attitude of des-
pondency is put on. We do realise the seriousness of the
struggle and the strength of our foe as well as his
murderous lack of scruple, and while we are not entirely
overwhelmed and crushed by the prospect we are still
sternly determined to do all that lies in our power to crush
you and to overwhelm your cause.
Yours faithfully, JOHN BROWN.
THE YOUNGER SON.
THE younger son he 's earned his bread in ways both hard
and easy,
From Parramatta to the Pole, from Yukon to Zambesi ;
For young blood is roving blood, and a far road 's best,
And when you 're tired of roving there '11 be time enough
to rest !
And it's "Hello" and "How d'ye do?" "Who'd ha'
thought of meeting you !
Thought you were in Turkestan or China or Peru ! "
It 's a long trail in peace-time where the roving Britons
stray,
But in war-time, in war-time, it 's just across the way !
He 's left the broncos to be bust by who in thunder chooses ;
He 's left the pots to wash themselves in Canada's cabooses ;
He 's left the mine and logging camp, the peavy, pick and
plough,
For young blood is fighting blood, and England needs
him now.
And it 's " Hello " and " How d'ye do ? " " How 's the world
been, using you ?
What 's the news of Calgary, Quebec and Cariboo ? "
It 's a long trail in peace-time where the roving Britons
stray,
But in \var-time, in war-time, it 's just across the way !
He's travelled far by many a trail, he's rambled here and
yonder,
No road too rough for him to tread, no land too wide to
wander,
For young blood is roving blood, and the spring of life is
best,
And when all the fighting 's done, lad, there 's time enough
to rest.
And it 's good-bye, tried and true, here 's a long farewell
to you
(Boiling stone from Mexico, Shanghai or Timbuctoo !)
Young blood is roving blood, but the last sleep is best,
When the fighting all is done, lad, and it 's time to rest !
Girls are now employed at some of the " Tube " stations
to punch the tickets. A susceptible Shakspearean, on
encountering one, was heard to murmur: —
" Ah , that I hud my lady at this bay
To kiss and clip me till I run away."
Under the heading, "Winston enjoys the Change," The
Daily Sketch recently had a picture of Mr. CHURCHILL
riding in the Eow, to which was appended the momentous
information that" he wore his favourite hat." With com-
mendable reticence it made no attempt to explain why he
had not been able to get it on before.
.)CNI.; '.), I!) 15. 1
PUNCH, OR Till-: LONDON CJIAKlVARf.
\
yOU/*-,
As YOU WAS!" Young Officer. " 'As YOU WEBB,' YOU SHOULD SAY."
"ScusE ME, SIR, I KNOWS MY DRILL. ' As YOU WAS ' FOR ONE MAN ; ' AS YOU WERE ' FOR TWO ; ' AS YOU WAS ' FOR A SQUAD ! "
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
(By Mr. Punch's Sta/ of Learned Clerks.)
HONESTLY, The Flame of Daring (MILLS AND BOON), by
HANOI. i> SIMON nun, is a very unlikely book. Not merely in
such little details as that tela-d-tete in which Nathan Bey
of the Turkish Embassy describes a brilliant plan of his for
dishing the Greek fleet (first Balkan War) to the adorable
Greek maiden, lone llanctta, who was, as he knew, very
good friends with Chrysos, the Secretary at the Greek
Legation, but also in such really more important points as
tin' description of a fight. Figure to yourself one Jack
lldijit'r, a journalist, struggling inadequately with some
Turkish ruffian, indeed " barely holding on to him by his
coat," and Sylvia, Jack's best girl, conscious of "a pale
livid face, dreadful with hatred, and in front of it the
fearful searching muzzle of a revolver, moving round as if
in search of its prey " (it was the ruffian's face and
revolver). Then a flash and a report, and another villain
lying supino on the floor with a hole in his forehead.
Then a cry of triumph : " Allah, Allah, so perish all traitors ! "
And then " slowly, it seemed very slowly, that dreadful
muzzle moved round towards her father." Before the new
" searching " is complete Jack seems to have let go of the
coat, for suddenly " the muzzle flew up, and the white
drawn face disappeared. Then there was a sound of blows,
a silence, and her 7iext vision was that of .lack Harper
standing in front of her father." But what kind of blows,
and what happened to the white drawn face'.' Mr. SPBNDEK
doesn't say. Bscause frankly he never saw any such fight
in his mind's eye and was never cut out for story-telling in
this mode. Then again there was that other scoundrel at
the Turkish Embassy, who stirred slightly and cleared his
throat, then spoke a sentence of twenty words. "It was
one of the longest sentences that Chrysos had ever heard
from the mouth of Alexander Romas." Yet three much
longer appear but two pages earlier — a trivial detail in
itself, but enough to prove that Mr. SPENDER does not
realise his characters, has no sort of conviction about
: them. And you simply cannot help that defect from
j spreading to the reader.
Of all titles to take the wind out of the lungs of the
critic, commend me to Stilts (DUCKWORTH), because this
j unkind monosyllable practically sums up all I could lind
j to say against Mr. ADAM SQUIRE'S novel. Therefore its
presence causes me to greet him respectfully as the owner
| of a sense of humour rather quicker than (to tell the truth)
1 1 should have gathered from the story itself. Not but
I what the persons in this book are quite mildly agreeable
company. My complaint is that their author has hardly
mastered the art of omission. He tells us little at wholly
disproportionate length. And while they chat at foreign
i hotels or order pleasant drinks at their clubs, in a manner
I that holds as it were the mirror up to nature, the mirror
never reflects anything to make them seem more than
I cheerfully painted dolls. So the story never gets any grip
'of me. Perhaps, anyhow, there is hardly enough of it.
Some time before the curtain rises, Laiiijton, who was a
widower with an infant daughter, had married the widowed
mother of Constance Tancred. For some reason he had
given Constance a pearl necklace that belonged to his first
wife, and when the second wife, Constance's mother, also
died Lantjton wanted it back. However, the leading part
4"0
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JUNE 9, 1915.
in subsequent events belongs, for the little it is worth, not
to Langton hut to John higlis, who had known the first Mrs.
Langton, and, meeting Miu Tancred at Palermo, tries to
induce her to surrender the necklace, and incidentally falls
in love with her. There is besides some matter of
hypnotism, of no moment, and even the pearls fail to
provide anything more thrilling than a muddled incident,
which may have been meant for burglary on Ingtis' part,
but only confused me as to his integrity. Mr. SQUIRE
shapes and polishes his material prettily, but I express my
lx;po that he will put a little more stuff into the next
consignment.
personality. The relations between the only two characters
that matter are realized with extraordinary truth and detail.
One is tempted here, as in all these photographically
realistic novels, to wonder how much is autobiography.
Mr. BKRESFOKD indeed deliberately provokes this temptation
by making his hero a novelist, and (rather less excusably)
by causing The Morning Post to review Jacob's first novel
in precisely the words of the notice of the author's own
previous work in that journal, printed here by Messrs.
SIDGWICK AND JACKSON in their advertisement pages. As
a reviewer I am by no means certain that I approve of this
hauling of a brother craftsman out of the critical stalls
and over the footlights. That, however, is a small point.
Humour is such a subjective and unstable quality that a ' What matters more is that The Invisible Event certainly
. • , „ > I • f. I , 11 lit
book which professes it must
always be" faced by the reviewer
with some diffidence. From
this start you may perhaps
guess already that I have found
myself baffled by Windmills
(SECKEH). Frankly, this is so.
Still more frankly, the book not
only bewilders me, but causes
me a feeling of distress, the
more acute because it is signed
by so distinguished a name as
that of Mr. GILBERT CANNAN.
How far it is still permissible
to be facetious about the War
may, I suppose, be a matter of
opinion. But, if one must poke
fun at it, the least and lowest
test is that it should be amus-
ing, and this is precisely what
Mr. CANNAN'S dreary absurdi-
ties about " Fatland " and the
" Skitish Empire " do not even
begin to be. There are other
satires in the book, one of which,
" Out of Work," is not without
beauty. Another, which I will
not specify, appeared to me
simply disgusting. I am sorry
to have to use so painful a
candour about a writer of Mr.
CANNAN'S known artistry. But
the fact remains that Windmills
seems to me a foolish little
book, by no means free from
offences against what I might
call (with no flippant intention) the elementary canons of
good taste.
A RAILWAY TICKET COLLECTRESS HAS AN UNHAPPY
MOMENT WITH HEB COIFFURE.
If many more authors take to telling their tales in
consecutive books, publishers will have to adopt some kind
of synopsis, on the you-can-start-now system. For example,
in Tim Invisible Event, you need a little previous knowledge
of the circumstances to understand why Betty is discovered
si greatly worried about what answer she is to give Jacob.
Of course, however, if you are familiar with the previous
books of Mr. J. D. BERESFORD (as you should be by now, if
you are concerned for the best in modern fiction), you will
remember that Jacob had just asked Betty to manage and
share his life— and this though there was a discarded but
undivorced Mrs. Jacob still in the background. The present
volume, which is the last of the Jacob Stahl trilogy, tells
you what Betty did, and what sort of a thing she and Jacob
made of their joint existence. Like the other two, it. is a
piece of work remarkable for a rare gift of insight into
justifies those who have saluted
Mr. BERESFORD'S earlier volumes
as the work of a distinguished
writer.
I have an idea that Mr. and
Mrs. Hugh Fraser intended me
to find points to admire in some
of The Pagans (HUTCHINSON),
but I confess that they seemed
to me one and all very un-
pleasant people. Even Nita
Hardwick, who " carried her
own atmosphere with her," a
" spiritual perfume," indulged
quite freely in a quantity of
minor lies and meannesses
which she could fairly easily
have avoided, though she
showed a dislike of the grosser
misdemeanours of the extremely
smart circle in which she
moved. Tressida Saekwood, on
the other hand, infinitely beau-
tiful and intent only on her
own game, was a much more
thorough-going person, though
rather after the manner of a
newspaper feuilleton. Then
there was a handsome retired
naval officer, Tom Carew, the
only man whom Tressida had
ever loved (Lord Sackwood was
an absolute waster, and in any
case, being her husband,
would hardly have counted).
Tom fell deeply in love with Nita, and being unwilling
either to give Tressida away or to lower himself in Nita's
eyes vainly tried to arrange to be on with the new love
without the old love's noticing anything. I was not sorry
that he failed ; but be did so more dismally than I should
have expected in a man of some wits and a good deal of
experience. The real dramatic interest came at the end.
Tom Caret? , who was a widower, had a daughter, who
loved and was loved by his friend Cochrane. Forgiven at
last by Nita for his offence and its concealment, Carew
was brought suddenly up against the same offence in
Cochrane, lately freed from Tressida s toils. Could he too
forgive? The authors stated this most painful problem,
but it was obviously impossible for them to deal with it in
a book of this kind, where the whole thing is on the
melodramatic rather than the tragic plane. The conclu-
sion therefore hardly cleared things up. But I was
not really keen enough on any of the people to care
very much.
JUNK 16, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAUIVARI.
461
CHARIVARIA.
ALL schoolchildren in Berlin and
Vienna wore given a clay's holiday on
the occasion of Uio re-capture of
Pr/.emysl. This makes one wonder
whether they were all made to work
overtime when the Russians took the
fortress. * •••
By the way, it is not generally known
that tho name Przemysl is onomatopoeic
and indicates the noise the town makes
when it falls.
We must anyhow give the Germans
credit for. constancy. In spite of the
statement, " On the remainder of tho
front there is nothing fresh."
• i
The members of the Coalition Cabinet
have decided to pool their salaries with
a view to their being divided equally.
Tho sum, we learn from The Express,
lias been worked out in detail by Mr.
McKKNNA. So much for those who
declared that the new Chancellor of the
Exchequer would be unable to cope with
his duties !
" Yesterday," says a writer in The
Daily Chronicle, " I dropped on the
photograph of an American writer on
the causes of the war. I mistook it at
scrap from a newspaper. The explana-
tion probably is that it was a duck's
egg containing a small canard.
* •:•
*
The cry of " Kat Less Meat" has,
we hoar, caused no little alarm in canine
circles, where it is feared that, if prices
continue to rise, humans may discover
the nutritive value of bones.
*._.*
The newest railway station of the
Bakerloo line is staffed entirely by
women, and it is proposed to call it
Maiden Vale. „, ^
Answer to Lady Correspondent : —
Yes, we agree that those respirator-
THE SALUTE.
entry of Italy into the War the mass
of the Germans are still true to their
old hate of our country.
•:• *
According to Renter the Turks have
been using wooden shells. It would
look as if they were beginning to lose
their heads. % ^
" Paradoxical though it may sound,"
says tho Lokalanzeiger, " Germany is
destined to win cither way, whether she
emerge victorious or defeated from this
titanic struggle, and the greater her
defeat the surer and more lasting will
bo her ultimate triumph." In these
circumstances it seems rather stupid
of her not to give in at once.
* *
The effect of the hot weather is now
evidently being felt at tho Front. A
recent communique wound up with the
once for President Wilson's face. But
the face was that of Mr. James M.
Beck. From the camera's point of
view the likeness is surprising — only
that the one is a slightly handsomer
edition of the other." We suspect
that that tactless word " slightly " has
annoyed them both.
" At the Palladium last week," we
read, " Mr. Charles Gulliver presented
Max Erard, the pianist, with his
gigantic cathedral organ, which weighs
eight tons." Wo hope that Mr. MAX
EEABD is not a Lilliputian.
' *
According to the New York papers
the wife of a Methodist minister of
Sedalla, Missouri, while cooking eggs
for breakfast, broke one, and, seeing
some foreign substance in the shell,
removed it, and it turned out to be a
masks are unbecoming to nine persons
out of ten and are apt to lead to a loss
of individuality, but have you tried the
effect of adding a little lace insertion
and a few hanging beads ?
* „*
We are glad to see that Ireland is
Ireland still. The Clerk to the Local
Authority, Omagh, publishes in The
Mid-Ulster Mail an advertisement
which begins as follows: — " Bheep
Dealers, and others, are reminded that
all Sheep imported into the County
from other Counties are required to
give to the Sergeant of Police in the
District in which he resides, within three
days, his Notice of Intention to Dip."
To Stout Travellers.
"TUESDAY, 8th June, 1915. 'The more
waist the less speed.' "
Murray's Edinburgh Railway Timetable.
VOL. CXLVIII.
4C2
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JUNE 16, 1915.
CASES RESERVED.
["The Government are of opinion that the general question of
personal responsibility shall bo reserved until the end of the War."-
Ur. BALI-OCR in lite llouse.]
LET sentence wait. The apportionment of blame
To those who compassed each inhuman wrong
Can bide till Justice bares her sword of flame ;
But let your memories be long!
And, lest they fail you, wearied into sleep,
Bring out your tablets wrought of molten steel ;
There let the record be charactered deep
In biting acid, past repeal.
And not their names alone, of high estate,
Drunk with desire of power, at whose mere nod
The slaves that execute their lust of hate
Laugh at the laws of man and God ;
But also theirs who shame their English breed,
Who go their ways and eat and drink and play,
Or find in England's bitter hour of need
Their chance of pouching heavier pay ;
And theirs, the little talkers, who delight
To beard their betters, on great tasks intent,
Cheapening our statecraft in the alien's sight
For joy of self-advertisement.
To-day, with hands to weightier business set,
Silent contempt is all you can afford;
But put them on your list and they shall get,
When you are free, their full reward.
' O. S.
ESMERALDA.
A Tragedy of the Artistic Temperament.
WHEN Margot Davenish proved herself unworthy of a
poet's homage by her hilarious reception of a proposal of
marriage framed in deathless anapaests, Reggie Outhwaite
found himself in a quandary. Margot's bright eyes- had
inspired the rapturous abandon of the early pages of his
Purple Passionings, and without her he despaired of com-
pleting the volume. As a lover scorned, he realised that
tradition called upon him to eschew the society of women ;
as a writer of erotic verse, he felt that his Muse stood
urgently in need of a lady-help.
It was at this crisis that Esmeralda came into his life.
She lived at the corner of Bath Street behind the plate-
glass of "Sidonie, Eobes et Modes," and her mission was
to demonstrate the ethereal perfection of Madame Sidonie's
creations. Coarser natures lacking the artistic tempera-
ment called her a dummy, but at the first glance Eeggie
knew that at last his prayers had been answered. That
night he threw off two sonnets and a virelai before going
to bed to dream of her.
Esmeralda was not one of those shameless hussies whose
outrageous deshabillt crimsons the young man's cheek.
She was a very superior article, fashioned probably in Paris
and obviously by an artist. No mere pedestal surmounted
by a head and shoulders ; as far as the eye could see she
was quite all there. She sat in an armchair with one knee
crossed discreetly over the other and one dear little mouse
of a shoe daintily tip-tilted ; toying with her parasol and
smiling mysteriously. For Eeggie her smile was fraught
with all the suggestive allurement of the Monna Lisa.
Moreover, in his infatuation, he deemed her eyes a wondrous
passion-grey, and grey eyes had always done anything
they liked with him.
For weeks Eeggie haunted the neighbourhood of "Sidonie^
Eobes et Modes." He did not care to stand in open adora:
tion, for the window contained other things besides Es-
meralda, and he was a man as well as a poet. He would
pace slowly past his divinity ; then, turning suddenly as if
he had remembered something, as slowly retrace his steps.
Some days he covered miles in this way. One morning a
damsel in black silk draperies whose bearing would have
graced a Princess of the Blood Eoyal moved Esmeralda
farther back into the shop, fearing doubtless that her ears
would come unstuck under his ardent glances. It was
then that Eeggie decided that he must buy Esmeralda.
With her companionship to inspire his pen he would not
disappoint posterity. But the artistic temperament never
shines amid the sordid chafferings of the market-place and
the thought of the Princess's icy scorn daunted him.
To brace himself for the encounter he took a month's
rest at the seaside. - Beturaing full of courage heat once
made his way to Bath Street in such a state of elation
that blank verse positively streamed from his lips. But a
cruel shock awaited him. Where formerly had gleamed
the tender message, " Sidonie, Eobes et Modes," there now
flaunted the vulgar inscription, " I. Isaacstein, Gents' and
Boys' Outfitter." Behind the plate-glass there smirked a
wax figure clad in an Eton suit. An icy fear gripped at his
heart as he stumbled towards the door. What if this
upstart tailor proved ignorant of Madame Sidonie's new
address !• Then, as his gaze fell again on the smirking lad,
the truth burst upon him in all its horror, and he sank
heavily to the pavement. From out that waxen countenance
there smiled a pair of wondrous passion-grey eyes ! The
incomparable Esmeralda had been melted down to fit an
Eton jacket !
Eeggie is now a respectable member of society, for in
that awful moment the last spark of his poetic fire flickered
out for ever. But he never despairs. Often of a Spring
evening, when the throstle is calling to his mate and the
very air is palpitating with passion, he wilL sharpen his
pencil and bear his swelling heart out into the garden,
there to compose an elegy worthy of his lost goddess. His
progress is very slow. Hour after hour the pages of his
rhyming dictionary rustle beneath his questing thumb, but
not yet has he achieved an opening couplet to satisfy his
fastidious soul. At present his choice is wavering between
and
" 0 Esmeralda, silent is my lute ;
I cannot bear thee in an Eton suit" ;
" I weep for Esmeralda! O my dolour
For Esmeralda in an Eton collar!"
He feels both these couplets possess the true poetic touch,
the greatness of simplicity ; but he cannot make up his
mind which of them more accurately interprets the tender
melancholy of his spirit.
"Mr. Balfour and Mr. Austen Chamberlain both visited Bucking-
ham Palace and had audiences of His Majesty. The King to-day
received the American Ambassador, Mr. Page, at Buckingham Palace.
The inquest was adjourned until June 16."
MancJifstcr Evening News.
We have to thank innumerable correspondents who
have forwarded the above paragraph, and regret that
none of them has been able to throw any light upon
what looks like a tragedy. We are happy to state, how-
ever, that all the distinguished personages mentioned are
still alive.
" Since the war began the honour of being the first airman to bring
down a Zeppelin has been eaglerly sought." — The Globe.
The new adverb is excellently appropriate.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— JUNE 1C, 1915.
ON THE BLACK LIST.
KAISER (as Executioner). "I'M GOING TO HANG YOU."
PUNCH. "OH, YOU ARE, ARE YOU? WELL, YOU DON'T SEEM TO KNOW HOW THE
SCENE ENDS. IT'S THE HANGMAN THAT GETS HANGED."
'< •J?c.£)<'"'sc'«' Tagesttiivnj, remarking on'" the black and distorted souls of decadent peoples," issues a warning to Punch and others,
nr performances," it says, " are diligently noted, so that when the day of reckoning arrives we shall know with whom we have to
deal and how to deal with them most effectually."
JUNE 1C), l'JI5.|
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
46}
Tommy (wlu> }MS just caught an intruder and is asphyxiating it). "NAH, THEN, WXAT ABAHT YEB BLOOMIN' RESPIBATOB?"
A NEW EEIGN OF TERROR.
THE other week I had the privilege
of laying before the world (or, to be
more precise, the threepenny world)
a choice example of unambiguous
letter-writing on the part of a little
Polish tailor. There now arrives the
very latest specimen of the Baboo skill
in this art ; and, as very often happens,
the writer is an official connected with
a railway. The classic example of
Baboo railway correspondence is the
frantic telegram about the tiger that
was consuming the staff. In the
following document we find similar
trouble, but the tiger is now a man.
An ironical touch to the affair is
added by the circumstance that the
unfortunate officer in charge who tells
the tale had taken command of the as-
saulted station only that morning.
But here is the letter : —
" 16th Feb. 1915.
" Further to my code CP of date I
hasten to inform you that this noon
about '2.30 P.M. I noticed a quarrel just
behind this office window. I paid little
or no attention to this, but a little later
on I heard a great alarm raised from
the station platform ; rushing out I
saw to my great surprise a heap of
men in one mass, few bleeding ; sticks
and fists were freely used. With the
help of few passengers I approached
the mob, not without fearful beating in
my heart, and attempted to separate
them in vain, and at the way one burly-
looking villain stared at me I left the
place, leaving them to their own fate,
and got inside the office. I tried every
one of the staff to send for the Head-
man, but none would dare for fear of
being assaulted by one who I under-
stand is the bully of the place. Shortly
this particular individual rushed inside
carrying the door-bar, which he broke
off, and used criminal force on me and
the booking clerk. He threatened both
of us of bodily harm, swearing that he
will bring down the whole station
apparently for no reason.
" It was far more than what a man
alive could have put up with, and but
for the timidity of the staff I would have
bundled them together. I thought of
my firearm more than once. Thanks
to Providence, I controlled, although I
am unable to say how. He pulled me
about twice, and it was my sickness
that prevented me from running him
down to earth. In the meantime I
wired to all concerned. Ho lias also
damaged some flower plants, etc. No. 17
Down was due, and when she was
approaching the mob dispersed and this
burly villain rushed inside again and
forced a ticket from the B.C., who very
wisely issued it lest he would assault
and upset all, for the man appeared
very desperate and fearful and did not
pay the fare of the ticket. The police
arrived and are taking necessary steps.
I would like to point out that the life
of the station staff here is in danger
every minute.
" I took charge of the station only
to-day.
" (Signed)
O. in C."
The curious thing about this letter is
its frank admission of fear. Usually the
writer testifies to his own courage
and reflects on the pusillanimity of
his staff; but here the Officer in Charge,
although he admits that the staff was
timid too, does not disguise his own
reluctances.
But what a first day !
From a stock-broker's circular:—
"You will see that several guilt-edged iscnes
can now be purchased at prices which will yield
you over four per cent."
The reference is presumably to the Ger-
man and Austrian Government stocks.
4G6
PUNCH, Oil THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JUNE 16, 1915.
THE WATCH DOGS.
XXI.
MY DRAB CHARLES, — Perhaps
it
Unit I have not been quite myself lately ;
ut any rate, whatever the inner cause,
ii change his come over mo and I am
no longer able to sutler fools gladly.
Between ourselves, I have conceived
the utmost dislike for these Germans,
a dislike which is all the more remark-
able since I happen to bo fighting some
of them at the moment, and 1 'm sure
that to fight against people is to get tq
know them better and to appreciate all
their good points. However insuffi-
cient my data may seem to be, I am
convinced that these Teuton
fellows are quite impossible,
their manner atrocious and their
sense of humour nil. I surmise
that at their officers' mess they
overeat themselves methodically
four times a day, making nasty
noises. I suspsct them of hav-
ing very ostentatious baths in
the morning, at which they are
offensively hearty, and yet really,
if the truth were known, only
wash the parts that show. I
can picture them talking exclu-
sively about .themselves, shout-
ing down each other and putting
such a mixture of superior
virtue and patronizing joviality
into their morning ; greetings
that the "genial "and kindly
" Gott strafe England" becomes
little more than a sullen menace
to the addressee. And if they
ever do stumble upcn a joke, I
am quite certain they repeat it
ad nauseam and end by quarrel-
ling about its inner meaning.
All this I have gathered from
the noises they make behind
organised sulk, refusing to fire for hours
at a time. Nothing is more trying
than a silent foe ; lie 's bad enough
when he's shooting, but when he's
quiet he's very likely preparing some-
thing more dreadful, possibly coming
across to you
in the dark to
piece of cold steel into you.
stick a
And so
we get him thoroughly nervous and
craning much-too far over the parapet,
and then we suddenly recover our good
spirits and burst into a very rapid fire
of our own invention, to a merry sort of
syncopated beat.
i Another way to punish Germany (by
human agency) is to take a couple of
dozen empty tins, fill them half-full
Voice of Envy. " GABN ! 'E AIN'T NO BEAL BANTAM ! THEY
JEST DRESSED *IM UP TO KID BLOKES WOT 1'INK THEY 'BE
TOO LITTLE TO JOIN."
bility give them a sinister air of
mysterious import. To us these
signals mean nothing ; to the enemy
they suggest, I hope, the very worst, in
whatever shape their guilty minds may
conceive it.
Our best effort was quite unin-
tentional. A subaltern (whom I will
not advertise by name, since goodness
knows what he 'd be doing next if I
did) came into possession of a new
kind of automatic pistol ; he is always
coming into possession of a new kind
of something or other, and must always
try it forthwith. In the absence of
available targets upon which rwe could
see the hits, he had the original idea
of proceeding down the sap
which runs out in front of our
parapet, and shooting from
there at the lonely tree in the
middle of the beyond. He was
followed by eight other subal-
terns, who were by no means
prepared to admit the superi-
ority of this pistol, for all its
newness, over their own weap-
ons in the matter of speed. I
do not include in the official
starters either D'Arcy or the
machine-gun officer who dragged
out a maxim to set the pace.
D'Arcy's revolver has all the
distinction of being an heirloom
and all the disadvantages of
capricious senility. It is at
present on strike, but ho refused
to be left out of the competition
and turned up with a hand-
grenade to provide, as lie said,
the comic relief . . It was a
good start, and for sheer rap-
idity easily surpassed anything
in this or any other war. We
were so pleased with the affair
their parapet, and the way they shoot
or don't shoot at us. Possibly there is
one little group of better men in the
middle, by the ruined farm-house, whose
sympathies are all with us and who
shoot at us only because they must
shoot at something, being at war,
and cannot shoot at their own people,
because it would crick their necks.
Having been driven to this opinion
of the enemy I have been reluctantly
compelled to put a little frightfulness
into my personal campaign. With 'the
kind assistance of my men, I have
been able so to arrange our rifle fire in
my platoon that, at the busy time
when everybody who is anybody is
firing, every five rifle -s make a tolerable
imitation of a maxim, thus giving the
enemy the impression that we have
twelve machine guns per platoon, that
is one hundred and ninety-two to the
battalion. At other times we do an
of stones, tie them together, leaving a
very long tail-piece of string, and send
the whole out, in-thadark, to be placed
by an audacious and impudent patrol
amongst their barbed wire. You then
wait till the quiet time of the next day^
and when you think you 've got your,
enemy just dozing off you give the long
string (which your patrol brought back)
a series of spasmodic pulls. You. can
always judge the extent of your success
by the mileage of artillery, of all weights
and diameters, which your simple device
sets in motion.
I can offer you another suggestion
for what it is worth. About once a
fortnight I send up a flare in broad
daylight before breakfast, and my
accomplices carry the. signal along
the line by doing the same- at intervals.
In civilian life fireworks by day serve
no useful purpose ; but in war time
their very incongruity and inexplica-
from our own point of view that
we forgot all about the Germans and
their point of view. For a long time
after.it. they were obviously irritable
and nervy. It didn't occur to us that
of course anyone would be moved by
so sudden, terrific and peculiar a noise,
which would have besn bad enough if
it had come from our parapet, but must
have been intolerable when arising, as
it did, from what was supposed to be
the unoccupied midst of a well-known
and highly-respected turnip-field.
Anything annoys them now. Even
our singing God Save the King and
cheering loudly, with caps raised on
bayonets, on the occasion of His
Majesty's birthday, raised a storm of
indignation expressed in rifles, mortars
and Jack Johnsons. I cannot under-
stand their feelings ; however German
I was myself I should regard such a
question as -.the enemy's own business
and not mine and leave him to it and
,|I:NK 1C, 1915.J
PUNCH, OU TIIK LONDON CHAIUVAJU.
4(57
WHY NOT THAJN oun MASCOTS TO BE USEFUL AS WKi.r, AS ORNAMENTAL ?
go on cleaning my rifle. And even if, I
having clone justice to their sentiments,
they next rose on their firing platform
and put three rounds into me — well, 1
might certainly reply in kind, but I
shouldn't he spiteful about it.
Let us turn from the contemplation
of such dull and sordid humanity
to the refreshing picture of the
honest worth, if unsoldierly deport-
ment, of my stable-boy turned sentry.
Time and again I have ordered and j
besought him to say " Halt ! Who goes j
there ? — Advance one and be identified.
— Pass, friend, all 's well ! " but always
in vain. When the emergency arises
he confines himself to what no doubt
be regards as the point, and calls out
shortly, "Wlio hist?" Only when j
1 myself approach does he elaborate
his challenge. "Who bist, Sir?"
says he.
Yours ever, Hr.xuv.
For K. of K.
Some slight, protection again*!, bit-
ting below the belt — the Garter.
HIS ONE GRIEF.
I COVET not the glory
Of Pella's wondrous youth ;
My methods are as gory
And more devoid of ruth ;
Still, later generations
Applaud bis imitations
Of German close formations,
Though cumbrous and uncouth.
I can assert sincerely
I envy not the Hun,
Old ATTII,A, for clearly
His exploits I 've outdone ;
For though I am bis debtor
In spirit and in letter,
I 've never failed to better
The triumphs which he won.
Nor am I ever jealous
Of CHEOPS and his line.
Whose temples seek to tell us
That builders are divine;
A heresy demoded,
By common sense corroded,
And utterly exploded
By Knrrr and Me and mine.
The Corsican dictator
Had grandeur in his aim,
But I should be a traitor
To advertise his name ;
For he was only smitten
Because we aided Britain —
The blackest entry written
In Prussia's book of fame.
One monarch and one only
1 Tumbles my lofty pride —
HKROD the grim and lonely,
The great infanticide,
Who, zealously fulfilling
The function of child-killing,
In this kind of blood-spilling
All rivals hath defied.
" Sentence of three months' hard labour
was passed yesterday at Bow-street on Ernest
Taylor, clerk, no fixed abode, for obtaining
money by fraud from Metropolitan policemen.
He was arrested in the Strand by a Scottish
policeman who had lent him sixpence. A de-
tective said he was believed to have victimised
40 constables." — Daily Chronicle.
CONSTABLE (thoughtfully): " Bang went
saxpence, but (with an effort) I '11 no be
sayin' it wasna worth it."
468
PUNCH, OR T1IK LONDON CHARIVARI.
16, 1915.
WAITING FOR MORE.
WHKN I joined, the battalion \\as
1,500 stroii". In those days I never
bothered to look for a job; jobs were;
Hun},' at me. "Somebody must take
the <-..inpanj digging," saia the Captwn
to the junior Captain; "You heard
that'.'" said tiie junior Captain to the
senior Subaltern; "Carry on," said
the senior Subaltern to me; and for
Iluve and a 'half hours the company
and 1 excavated heavily. After two
months of this my health broke down
so badly that I bad to go before a
medical board. " Nothing le^s than
five bottles of champagne, live plays,
and five little suppers," they reported,
"can save this officer's valuable life."
So I took five days' leave . ." . .
I came back as from another world,
and reported myself to my Captain
next morning in a dazed condition.'
" Hallo," he said ; " bad a good
time ? "
I could hardly trust myself to tell
him what a good time I bad had.
" That 's right. Well, somebody must
take the company digging."
I saluted and went out. It was all
just the same, but now I was glad
of it. I wanted to forget about my
five days' leave. The harder the work,
the less time to think.
The Orderly- Sergeant came up to
me as I reached the company lines.
" Company present, Sir," he said.
"Present where? " I asked, looking
round the horizon.
"Here, Sir," he said, indicating a
man next to him.
I opened and shut my eyes rapidly
several times ; no more men appeared.
It was obviously a dream.
" Wake me up properly in an hour's
time," I said, "and bring me some hot
water."
" This is all the men for parade," he
said patiently.
" This one one? "
" Yes, Sir."
I turned to it. "Company, stand
easy," I said, "while the Sergeant
explains."
The explanation was simple. Taking
advantage of my absence the Wai-
Office had sent more than a thousand
men to France or some -such foreign
place. There was only just enough
left for guards, fatigues and what nots.
Moreover I was now the senior Sub-
altern of the company.
" Well," I said, " we must carry on.
What's the parade this morning?
Digging?"
" Attack on a Uagged position is down
in orders. Sir, but it 's sure to be
cancelled."
• Why'.' Our man could hold the flag.
He 's just the shape for it. Well, any-
how, we'd better get down to the
parade-ground. Company, slope arms.
Mine to the left in ones — form ones.
By the centre, quick inarch."
I got my man down safely, none of
the company falling out on the way,
and stood him at case while I con-
sidered how to display him to the best
advantage. 1 was just maturing a
clever idea for misleading the Sergeant-
Major by trotting my man round and
round him several times with great
rapidity, when the Orderly - Sergeant
came back with the news that the
parade was off.
" Then so am 1," I said, and I went
back and reported to my Captain.
" I thought that there wouldn't be
much doing," he said, " but you 'd
better hang about a bit in case any-
thing turns up."
" Can't I help you at all ? "
" No, thanks ; not at present."
So I bung about. It was a sultry
day — the sort of day when doing nothing
makes you hotter than the most violent
exercise. After an hour I could bear it
no longer ; I went back to the company
room .
The Captain was just signing some-
thing.
"Blotting-paper?" he said, looking
round at a junior Subaltern near him.
The junior Subaltern stretched out
his hand for the blotting-paper.
" Pardon me," I said, stopping him
just in time. " You have been busy
all day ; I have done nothing as yet.
This is mi/ work." And I handed the
Captain the blotting-paper,
The junior Subaltern nearly cried.
" It isn't fair," be said. " The junior
Subaltern 's always supposed to do all
the work. As it is I haven't had any-
thing to do for three days. At least,
except yesterday. And they only let
me take something across to the
orderly-room yesterday because it was
raining."
I looked at him eagerly.
" Say that again," 1 commanded.
" You took something across to the
orderly-room — right across the square ? ' '
" Yes. You see, it was raining hard."
" And then walked back again and
reported that you 'd done it ? Two
walks ? " He nodded. " I say, I
wonder if there 's any chance to-
day—
The Captain looked up.
" I shall want somebody to take this
across to the —
The junior Subaltern was just a shade
too quick for me.
" Yes, Sir," he said, snatching at it.
I followed him to the door.
" 1 must remind you that 1 am your
superior officer," I said, as 1 got my
foot against the door just in time.
" (jive mo that paper."
"Be a sportsman," he pleaded.
" It isn't only that. What I feel is
that you are too young lor a job of this
kind. We want a more experienced
hand." I took the paper from him.
" There is a particular busy way of
walking across to the orderly-room
which it takes weeks to acquire. You
would probably stroll across as if you
were going to borrow a match, and
then the whole job would be wasted.
Now watch this."
I strode briskly across the square,
the obviously official document flutter-
ing in my band. A few subalterns
with nothing to do watched me envi-
ously. Outside the orderly-room door
I hesitated a moment, and then turned
round sharply and strode back again.
The junior Subaltern, mouth open,
waited for me to come up to him.
" By the way," I said, tapping the
document in a business-like way, " is it
Monday or three pairs ? "
" Who did ? " Ii3 said stupidly.
"Because, if it was Portsmouth," I
went on, " it ought to have been en-
dorsed on the hack." 1 showed him
the back, nodded to him, and hurried
off to the orderly-room again. I handed
in the paper and stepped briskly back
to report to my Captain.
"Initiative," I said to the junior
Subaltern, two minutes later, as I upse,!,
the ink over the Captain's table, " initia-
tive is what you junior officers lack so
greatly (I 'm extremely sorry, Sir ; let
me mop it up. Perhaps I 'd better
write these lists out again, Sir, as I 'vo
spoilt them rather). Initiative, my
dear young friend," I went on, as I
selected a suitable pen, " is to the sub-
altern on active service what — er —
I caught bis eye suddenly and had
pity on him. "If you're very good,"
I said, " you may read these names
out to me."
We settled down to it. A. A. M.
The Prismatic Blush.
" 'The German Ambassador's face thereupon
became suffused with all the colours of the
rainbow.'
Signer Salandra concluded: 'Von Flotow
was a gentleman.' " — Evening News.
Without this assurance we might have
been tempted to imagine that lie was a
chameleon.
"Rome, Tuesday. — Great indignation is
felt at a report from Barletta that the
Austrian destroyer which yesterday fired on
the town, hitting the castle, was flying the
i British gag." — Krenintj Times.
We wonder that the Press Bureau
permitted this impudent infringement
of its powers.
JUNK !<!, 19J/J.]
PUNCH, OR TJIK LONDON CHARIVARI.
169
High-spirited Special Constable (to suspicious character). "I-iP YOU D-DOS'T CALL Y-YOUB B-BBCTE OFF— I'LL sr.v vot; ix!"
FROM A MINE-SWEEPER IN
THE DARDANELLES.
(Letter from Sub-Lieut. John Blundell,
R.N., to his Uncle, the Eev. J.
Nay 30, 1915.
H.M.S. - , at Sea.
DEAK UNCLE, — I was very pleased •
to get your letter this morning and to
hear that Aunt Fanny is recovering
from influenza, and that Cousin Dorothy !
got second prize in Divinity. It was
most interesting to hear that Tabs had
two hlack kittens this time ; I rather
thought that they would he grey, as
the last lot were white. I quite follow :
your arguments about " Should clergy- \
men fight?" As you say, the matter
is of the greatest importance, and
naturally The Times published your
letter.
You tell me that you gather from the ;
papers that the great silent Navy is !
having a quiet time now, and you \
ask me what we are doing. I wish
I knew myself, but as we only go
into port once a week to coal and
are not allowed to communicate with
the beach, I am rather ignorant
of its doings. No, I am sorry to say
1 did not get the wild duck. It
went, as all gifts do, into the Fleet
Pool, and I got a pair of mittens (my .
seventh pair) instead. We are the |
Scouts, and come last on the list. '
There are five grades before us. The j
luckiest devils are the harbour defence
flotillas, who get the fruit and fish, i
The next best off are the Coast Defence '
Patrols, who get the fowls and their |
so-called fresh eggs. The intermediate
grades, such as Grand Fleet, seagoing
flotillas, etc., get the general cargo, and
we, who are far from home, get the
frozen mutton, the imperishable corned
beef, the indestructible tinned salmon,
and the endurable woollen gear. The
things that we might reasonably hope
to find in our class, such as grouse
and gorgonzola, never pass beyond the
second grade.
As our boats are not sufficient to
carry all hands, the latest scheme is
to keep a large barrel of grease and
thick oil on the upper deck, and pre-
paratory to abandoning ship all men
are supposed to strip and smear them-
selves over with this stuff as a
protection against cold water. They
then, according to the latest Admiralty
circular letter, are permitted to leave
the ship. We had a false alarm the
other night, hitting a floating mine,
which didn't explode. A weird figure
was seen hovering round the upper
deck afterwards, and it took us all
the middle watch to clear the oil aind
grease off the ship doctor.
My last skipper has been having an
awfully good time in port since the
Great Blockade began, as a German
submarine kept on hovering about out-
side and they could not go to sea until
it had been dealt with by the T.B.D.'s.
It was known as the " Married Man's
Friend," and they were quite sorry 'to
hear of its decease. I saw Jack the
other day. He is in one of the old battle-
ships, officially termed " Fleet-Leader"
(we call them " mine-crushers "), and
he says his only diversion is the con-
stant redrafting of his will so that each
member of the family shall bear a fair
burden of his debts.
Charlie Farrel is in the mine-sweep-
ing brigade. He is now in his fourth
trawler, and is known as " Football
Charlie," as he's always being blown
up. Rather bad luck on a fellow who
is + 2 at golf and who regards all other
games (except fighting) as contemptible.
As you say in your letter, great
issues are at stake, and it must be
awfully exciting in England just now,
but it 's very dull at sea, so I will clear
up this letter.
Your affectionate Nephew,
JOHN.
170
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
[.JUNE 16, 1915.
"ARK YOU A MILLIONAIRE, FATHER?"
" NO, MY BOY ; I WISH I WAS."
"HOW MUCH MONEY DO YOU GET, FATHER?"
"OH, WELL— SOMETIMES I MAKE AS MUCH AS A HUNDBED POUNDS IN A MONTH."
"A HUNDRED POUNDS A MONTH ! "— (slowly, after a pause) "AND HE OirEH UK TUri'KNCK A WKKK ! '
ME. PUNCH APPEALS.
THEBE is urgent and ceaseless need
for more of those sand-bags which have
been the means of protecting the lives
of so many at the Front. Men are
dying daily for need of this protection,
and one can imagine no more useful
work for those who want to be of prac-
tical service to our troops. No possible
limit can be put to the number required.
Mr. Punch earnestly hopes that his
readers may be persuaded to devote
some of their time and labour to this
simple means of saving life. Com-
munications should be addressed to
Miss M. L. TYI.EB, Linden House,
Ilighgate Eoad, N.W.
Those whose hearts have been moved
by the gallant deeds of our Canadians
in France and of our Australian and
New Zealand troops in the Dardanelles
will be very glad to have an oppor-
tunity of doing some little service to
the brave soldiers of our Dominions
who are training in England or come
home to us wounded. F.-M. Lore:
_KENFELL has just opened the Victoria
League's Club for Overseas Soldiers at
16, Eegent Street, Waterloo Place, and
contributions will be very welcome.
They should be addressed to the Hon.
Treasurer of the Victoria League, at
2, Millbank House, Westminster, S.W.
Mr. Punch begs to acknowledge a
donation of £5, collected by two officers
at the Front on a water-wagon, for the
Children's Country Holidays Fund.
He has forwarded this generous gift to
the Secretary of the Fund.
vostigate upon
which Pto.
False Teeth in Literature.
"A Court of Inquiry will assemble at 11 A.M.
to-morrow the 10th inst., to invosti
the circumstances under
lost his artificial dentures.
liattalion Orders of Hie — th lin. Royal
. ._ . . Fusiliers.
To the Munitions Department.
"Anna acri facienda viro : nunc viribu
usus,
Nunc manibus rapidis, omni nunc artc
magistra :
Praccipitate moras."
Virgil, sKn?nl, VIII. 441-3.
A FISH STOEY.
Whales sometimes attain fin aye of
five hundred years.)
WHEN centuries have rolled away
Until this young and lusty fellow,
The whale who swims the deep to-day,
Has sunk into the sere and yellow,
And talks as only old age can,
A garrulous cetacean,
His fellows may believe the tales
He '11 tell of what a long life's taught
him,
His escapades with brother whales,
The times harpooners nearly caught
him.
And how he oft contrived to dish
The predatory devil-fish.
But, if for further yarns they crave
And, leaving fishes' feats for men's, he
Should tell of deeds beneath the wave
That marked the days of German
frenzy,
Swift will eacli great-great-grandchild
cry : —
" By Neptune, how these old fish lie ! '
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— JUNK 16. 1915.
SOME BIKD.
THE RETURNING DOVE (to President Woodrow Noah). " NOTHING DOING."
THE EAGLK. "SAY, BOSS, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH TRYING MF, ?
Hi, mi.-,.]
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT
'
n|{ rill-: LONDON GHARIVAKL
473
can» *» conclusion that,
SSH^i^^ttj-a&saass
\i vv/ii ui wi i JM-TU UVF TV >iUt;i ILMII 1)11
Treasury Bench, where the lion Ol
ConservatiHm sits down with t he lamb •
of Libei-iilism, and that shrewd little i
child, HIINHV HKUHKHT, leads- them.
The MKMUKK KOK SAHK has idea that '
even more interesting is the figure on
Front Opposition Hench of the itatet
man who by strango chance, after
many vicissitudes, comes (o repr.
that well-known agricultural bunting
district, the Wimbleilon Division of
Surrey.
Forty-seven years ago JlAimYCn.\n,iN
entered the Commons as Member for
Mid- Lincolnshire-. Held the seat for
twenty-eight years. Through period
approaching half a century has watched
slow changes of procedure and manner
that have revolutionised the House.
Whilst ever preserving the courtly man-
ner of bis early generation, has tact-
fully adapted himself to circumstance.
For a while, between 1886 and 1900, he
found himself included in any creation
or reconstruction of Conservative
Governments that happened to bo in
progress. Ministerial career terminated
with last year of nineteenth centu
HENRICUS CHAPL1NIUS
WIMBLEDONENSIS.
"TO-NIOHT THE NOBLEST ROMAN OK THEM
ALL PILLED HIS PART WITH ADDED GRAVITY."
on
s
Coalition Government, roaming over ti^s <$e?bv ol
probabilities and possibilities, bis name i master DISR^EI iVrflft-
was never beard. ! o BON^ T4 "'
mi ' JDOHAB JjAW, i
Ihcre remains vacancy m one post ! question Leader of
unsalaned and, in the strict
sense of the word, unofficial.
There is no Leader of the
Opposition, for sufficient rea-
son that organised opposition
is non-existent. His Majesty's
Ministers still with us; for first
time in Parliamentary history
His Majesty's Opposition has
disappeared from the scene.
To man of CHAPLIN'S consti-
tutional principles (a matter
of native instinct), this con-
dition of affairs fraught with
grave danger to the State.
Not lacking Members below
Gangway on both sides self-
comforted by assurance that
they could add fresh influence
to important position. Mr.
GrUNELt,, for example, last
week made bold but ineffec-
tive bid for it. On reflection
Member for Wimbledon Divi-
sion, with his lo,,g experience,
* nit miate acquaintance with
nmiamentary men and mat-
in, modestly but justly con-
*«'<>iis of possessing esteem
f nil parties and sections of
h<3
if
s.tion is accus-
RKPRKSENTI"G THE DI6TOKTKD VIEWS ENTERTAINED
S TO TH
'•"•"I I" put to Ministers on such
occasions
"What busin.-s does i he Govern
ment, propose to lake next \\eek?"
Crowded House, .piick to grasp the
ntuataon, geniollj laughed and heart ilv
cheered.
To-night, the noblest, Roman of them
all filled Ins part, with added gravity
Usual when a Minister moves Second
Beading of important Hill for Leader of
Opposition immediately to follow and
indicate line his party is prepared to
CHAPLIN, preserving the non-
party but all-patriotic attitude assumed
by his immediate predecessor in office
expressed the hope that the Bill would
be passed without a moment's delay.
In a well-disciplined force that should
mve settled the matter. LEADER OP
JPPOamOM has, however, not yet
lad time to drill his men. Using
Jhrase in Parliamentary sense, he
cannot yet get them promptly to
form fours " on word of command.
Iheir natural instinct is to break out
in sixes and sevens. Thus it was to-
night. Long wrangle delayed progress
with a measure declared on highest
authority to be urgently needed for
safety of country and for protection of
gallant men who by thousands daily
sacrifice life and limb to preserve it.
Business rlone.— After acrid debate
Second Reading without division.
Tuesday.— HANDEL EACH EL BOOTH
weeping at absence of EX-CHANCELLOR
OF THE EXCHEQUER, would not be com-
forted. Anxiously enquired
about him yesterday. This
afternoon, observing his vacant
seat, HAN-DEL, nothing if not
musical, chanted the enquiry,
" Oh where and oh where has
my Celtic laddie gone? "
"My Right Hon. Friend,"
the PRIME MINISTER loftily
replied, " is either Minister of
Munitions or he is not Minister
of Munitions. If lie is Minister
of Munitions he is not entitled
to sit here. If he is entitled
to sit here he is not Minister
of Munitions. As a matter of
fact he is not Minister of
Munitions as there is no such
office until the House passes
this Bill, and there is no such
person."
Gibe of course unintentional.
But a little rough on bird-
working colleague that ho
should be alluded to as the
Mrs. JIanix of the Cabinet.
LLOYD GEOH<;K was officially
nominated to new Ministerial
office. If, truly, there is "no
sich a person," as Mrs. Betsey
474
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[.JUNE 16, 1915.
Little Boy. "How ANGBY THE SHAEKS MUST BE WITH THESE GEBMAN SUBMARINES — OF COURSE I MEAH THE ENGLISH SHARKS."
Prig asserted on historical occasion,
House and country have suffered
serious loss.
That stormy petrel, ARTHUR MARK-
HAM, all over the place, pecking at
everyone. Began at Question time
with harmless PRESIDENT OF BOARD'OF
TRADE, whom he accused of shielding
an enemy firm concerned in construc-
tion of chimneys ; of keeping up price
of coal ; and of encouraging large blue-
bottle flies to frequent butchers' shops.
Impression naturally conveyed that
MABKHAM was in league with small
body of Radicals irresistibly inclined
to dissemble their love for members
of Coalition Government. Illusion
happily removed when, towards end of
squabble that lasted a couple of hours,
he blandly alluded to " a party growing
up in the House who are friends of the
Germans."
Finally suggested that House should
conduct debate with closed doors.
General shrinkage from proposition.
Sufficiently alarming to have the
stormy petrel Hying round in full
light of criticism . What might happen
if doors were locked and Press Galleries
emptied fathers of families do not like
to think about.
_ Business done. — Ministry of Muni-
tions Bill read a Third time and sent
on to Lords, who passed first stage in
less than a jiffy.
Wednesday. — Making first appear-
ance in capacity of member of new
Government, PRINCE ARTHUR on rising
was greeted with general cheer. He
brought good news, supplementing an-
nouncement by important statement.
Another German submarine has been
sunk. After manner of British sailors,
foreign to habit of the enemy, her crew
of six officers and a score of men were
rescued and brought in as prisoners.
In course of WINSTON'S reign at the
Admiralty no action of comparatively
minor importance was more heartily
or more unanimously applauded than
his insistence that men systematically
engaged in practices which PRINCE
ARTHUR to-day described as " mean,
cowardly and brutal," ought not to be
placed upon equality of treatment with
other prisoners of war. The submarine
crews were accordingly isolated in their
internment. As everyone knows, the
KAISER retorted by taking thirty-nine
j British officers, and subjecting them to
special privations, including solitary
confinement.
It happened earlier to-day that Lord
EGBERT CECIL was asked whether it
would not be well in view of proposal to
exchange invalid civil prisoners of war to
placate Germany by reconsidering ques-
tion of treatment of submarine crews.
" I think," said the new UNDER-
| SECRETARY FOR FOREIGN AFFAIRS, " it
would be a very unfortunate precedent
if this House allowed itself to be
blackmailed by the German Govern-
ment."
Loud cheer approved this noble sen-
timent. Equally loud applause, twenty
minutes later, greeted PRINCE ARTHUR'S
announcement that the alleged black-
mailing had been successful. Neither
demonstration was so enthusiastic as
that which followed upon WINSTON'S
original statement on the subject.
A concatenation of circumstances
which shows how strange and fickle
a thing is public opinion.
Business done. — The Lords pass
Ministry of Munitions Bill through all
its stages. Commons interrupted in
engrossing study of Scotch Estimates
to repair to other House and hear
Royal Assent given by Commission.
Thursday. — Interesting debate on in-
creased cost of food stuffs, coal and
other necessaries of life. In one of his
quietly delivered, forcibly argued, lucidly
expressed speeches, RUNCIMAN made it
clear that Board of Trade is doing the
utmost within its power to grapple
with unexampled condition. Debate
carried on till twenty minutes past
eight, unusually late sitting for these
times.
Business done. — Vote for Board of
Trade and other Civil Service Estimates
carried without a division.
JUNE 16. 11)1").]
PUNCH, Oil TIIK LONDON' CJIAIMVAI
475
TIIK TALK OF A TONIC.
VV'HKN my sister came up to town a
couple of months ago she commented
severely on my appearance. I was
lacking in " tone " and looked ten
years older than I ought to. Wlion I
demurred and observed that I was all
right, and also that at my advanced ago
tht! appearance of years lent dignity, she
grew annoyed. " You should take Malx-
wein regularly," she said. " George,
has boon taking it for the last month
and you wouldn't know him." (George
is my brother-in-law, a door-mat of a
man). When I remarked that I had
conscientious scruples about drinking
German wines, Jane became almost
angry. " ' Malzwein ' isn't a wine, it 's
a tonic made of malt and meat- juice
and caseino, and' recommended by the
host doctors." "Well, anyhow," I re-
plicd, " ' Mal/woin ' must be of German
origin, and I don't like trading with an
alinn enemy." "Nonsense," said Jane.
" The firm is now reconstructed — I
made sure of that by inquiry — all the
directors are English, and the tonic
is made in England. Besides, if it was
a German product, and you derived
advantage from it, you would be
spoiling the Egyptians." I forebore
to criticise the accuracy of Jane's
parallel, because argument with her is
generally ineffectual, and when she pro-
mised to send me a bottle I expressed
my gratitude with well-simulited effu-
sion. Two days Iat3r " Malzwein "
arrived at my flat. He was a formid-
able-looking object in a cardboard caso,
with a quadrangular body and a lead-
paper capsule covering his head. I
placed him reverently on a shelf in my
bedroom with other bottles, and having
so to speak installed him in my phar-
macopoeia forgot all about him until
last week. It was on the night of the
hottest day of the year, and I awoke-frt
about 1.30 to be -conscious of a sickly
smell pervading the room.
Zeppelins — poison bombs — asphyxi-
ating gases — such were the thoughts
"AS OTHERS SEE US" (IN UNUTOBM).
Boy (impressed by tlie sight of Tomkins, wlio IMS recently joined the Tooting Rough Riders
Reserve Regiment). "Lout AIN'T 'E LIKE A m, MOM IN' OOLAN?"
must have been made in Germany, and
that it was inhabited by a malevolent
imp who sought to be avenged on my
indifference by at least destroying my
"As for we Londoners, who are supposed to
be cowering in our holes, respirator on mouth,
we are still our old dogged determined selves."
Evening Standard.
Though the respirator does interfere a
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JUNE 16, 1915.
MORAL GOOD.
1 FUANCESCA," I said, " would you mind
You needn't say any more," she interrupted. " I know
you 're {,'"'»# to aslf me to ^° something for you which you
ought to do for yourself."
" Wonderful r1 I said. "How do you guess these
tilings':' "
" There's no difficulty about it," she said. " You 've only
got to know your man."
"Is that," I said, " what is called intuition?"
" You can call it what you like," she said.
" When you guess right I shall call it intuition, but I
can't do that this time."
" Well," she said, " I 'm willing to bet a shilling about
it."
" Francesca," I said, " when you condescend to use the
language of the Turf, you may as well condescend correctly."
" I 'm always a willing learner. What ought I to have
said?"
" The market odds are at least two to one on. Your
tremendous certainty makes them so. You will therefore
offer to lay a bob" 'to a tanner."
" And when," she said, " shall I get my bob ? "
" You will not get your bob at all. I shall get your bob
— that is, if you 're honest."
" But where," she said, " does the tanner come in ? "
" The tanner," I said, " doesn't come in at all. It re-
mains in my pocket."
"Then I 'in expected to pay you a bob and get nothing
back fcr it. Is that what you mean ? "
" Yes," I said, " that 's what it amounts to. You 've lost,
you know."
" Then I don't wonder," she said, " that people get
ruined on the Turf.- But how do you know I've lost?
Let 's get back to the start."
" Right," I said, " let 's."
"About turn!" she said. "On the left form platoon!
Good gracious, where are you all? "
"We're forming two deep," I said. "Don't be angry
with us. We 're only volunteers, but we have our feelings,
just like Kitchener's army." v.
" Very well then. What was it you wanted me to do ? "
" When you interrupted me' so roughly' I was going t6
ask you whether you 'd mind ordering some safety -razor
blades for me from the hairdresser's."
" There," she said, " I knew it. Didn't I say you were
going to ask me to do something for you which you ought
to do for yourself."
" Remember," I said, " it 's war-time."
" What 's that got to do with it ? "
"You mustn't be selfish in war-time," I said. "You
must keep on doing things for other people, and the less
you like doing the things the better it is for you. I 'm
really giving you a tremendous chance.'*
"I admit that," she said reflectively, "but "I don't see
how you 're to get any good out of it."
" I shan't have any beard and whisker to worry me.
My chin and cheeks will be as smooth as vellum."
" Yes," she said, " that '11 be very jolly for you ; but you
won't be doing things you don't like doing for other
people."
" Doesn't that sound a trifle mixed ? " I said.
" Never mind the mixture," she said. " You know what
1 mean."
"Do I?"
" Yes," she said, " you do. You won't be getting any
moral good out of it ; and that is a thought I can't bear."
" Don't let it weigh on you," I said. " I 'm quite willing
to sacrifice myself. And, anyhow, my moral good can
wait till you've got yours."
" No," she said, " I can't see it in that way. I should be
taking an unfair advantage of you."
" Take it," I said ; " I don't mind."
" Generous-hearted man ! But try to imagine yourself
after I 've ordered your safety-blades. Won't there bo a
galling sense of inferiority?"
" What of that ? ". I said. " You '11 step into your proper
place, and that will be sufficient reward for me."
" No," she said, " if I 'm to rise in the moral scale by
ordering your safety-blades, I must invent something to
raise you to the same height at the same time."
" That 's very noble of you ; but I think you 'd better
begin, and we can talk about my elevation afterwards."
" You shall be elevated simultaneously or not at all. I '11
go to the telephone and order the blades, while you walk
round to the linen-draper's and buy me a packet of assorted
needles and half-a-dozen reels of cotton."
" But," I said, " I don't know the draper. He 's a new-
comer in the neighbourhood."
" He beats the hairdresser by a week or two."
" Besides, what good am I at needles and reels of cotton ? "
" Am I," she said, " profoundly versed in the blades of
safety -razors ? "
" I shall buy you the wrong kind of needles and cotton."
"And I shall order you the wrong kind of blades. Won't
it be fun ? "
" You may think i't fun at first," I said, " but what '11 you
say when I 've got hair half an inch long on my fa,ce ? "
" I shan't mind," she said. " I can pierce through the
outer shell to the beauty within."
" It 's a silly thing to ask a man to do," I said. " I haven't
the vaguest idea what needles cost."
" The draper will tell you. He 's a most obliging man."
" Mayn't I order them on the telephone ? "
"No," she said, "I'm going to use that for the hair-
dresser. And ' the point of the whole thing is that we
should both get our moral good at the same moment."
" I shall make a rhess of it," I said.
" Not you. You '11 have a glorious success, and you '11
want to be buying needles for ever afterwards."
" All" right," I said, " I resign myself. I 'm off to the
draper's."
'' I '11 give you three minutes' start," she said, " and then
I'll call up the hairdresser." B. C. L.
Messrs. LONGMANS announce the publication of a theo-
logical work entitled Was Wycliffe a Negligent Pluralist ?
We understand that this will be shortly followed by a series
of similar volumes, of which the following are already
promised : — Was Confucius a Dissolute Supralapsarian /
Was -Socrates an Absent-minded Archimandrite' Was
Marcus Aureliits a Petulant Anabaptist.
" JONE the FIFTEENTH is WATERLOO DAY and as in 1815 so also
in 1915 will England be engaged in one of the Great Battles of the
World. The coming of War found us unready. Our Fathers had not
sufficiently kept alive the lesson of Waterloo. We, of this generation,
will not easily forget the lessons of Mons and Ypres. But we have
already forgotten, if we let pass the unique occasion of June the
Fifteenth without using it as a means to the education of those
who are to follow us." — Aih't. of the Medici Society, Ltd.
Medici, heal yourselves. We shall wait for the eighteenth,
as usual.
"An Knglish lady, whose husband is much away, wishes another
as companion for walks." — Glasgow Citizen.
A good chance for a " walking gentleman."
JUNK 1<>, 1915.)
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CIIAU1VAIM.
477
COVER FOR SHIRKERS.
It is daily requiring more and mor« coiinii^ for tins 111:111 of military ago not in uniform to be seen enjoying outdoor picasiin
THE SUNDAY MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL.
TEA-TIME IN THE BACKWATER.
478
PUNCH, Oil THE LONDON CHARIVARI!
[JUNE 16, 1915.
AT THE PLAY.
" MARIE-ODILE."
IT would be easy enough to be in-
<1. -lie-ate about the rather embarrassing
theme of Mr. KNOBLAUCH'S play ; for
(in crude terms) we have hero the tale of
a little nunnery-novice who accepts at
sight the advances of the iirst alien
enemy that comes her way, and bears
him a "war-baby." But the author
disarms criticism by his transparent
idealisation of innocence. For you
are to understand that this novice has
been brought up in cloistered ignor-
ance of sexual facts ; that she has
never even set eyes upon a man on
the right side of senility ; that she is left
alone in her convent, the sisterhood
having fled at the "enemy's approach;
and that the first soldier who breaks
in upon her solitude is himself vir-
ginal, and 'bears so strong a likeness
(thanks -in part to V brown-red w!g
which did not go very happily with
Mr. BASIL GILL'S head) to ST!' MICHAEL
in the nunnery fresco that she at once
identifies him with that archangel. "-So
well is her innocence sustained that it
serenely survives the relations into
which they enter; nor could I even
find that the " miracle" of her child's
birth was ever associated in her mind
with those relations. This of course
means that we are asked to believe
a good deal, though not perhaps an
absolute breach of natural laws.
Mr. KNOBLAUCH may have been in-
fluenced by memories of EEINHAKDT'S
Miracle or DAVIDSON'S Ballad of a Nun,
but he has gone his own way. He has
not taken the obvious course of approv-
ing the revolt of natural instinct against
the hot-house" atmosphere of the con-
vent ; he simply shows us a type so
childlike that it is incapable of taint.
Perhaps any lover, not too boisterous,
might have served the author's purpose
passably well ; but he makes sure of
his ground. His soldier, though he
loves and rides away (to the grave dis-
appointment of some of the audience
he failed to 'return and " make an
honest woman " of the novice —
having died, I hope, in action), 'is
no common corporal of Dragoons,
but goes far, by his attitude, to justify
the child's error in mistaking him
for ST. MICHAEL. My only complaint
is that, having arranged these con-
ditions, quite arbitrarily exceptional,
the author should have taken occasion
to pronounce, through the medium
of the only enlightened nun in the
establishment, a tirade against the
stuffy secretiveness of the conventual
system. To assign this sort of blame
is to suggest (which he never intended
to do) that the innocence which he
has all along been glorifying was
largely a mom matter of ignorance.
Miss MAKIH: LOHH, a charming figure
in her novice's dress, was the best pos-
sible choice for this virginal typo. In
the Second Act, when she treats the
intruding soldiers like a lot of nice
large dogs, she was delightful in her
naive simplicity. But the last Act
dragged heavily, and I grew very tired
of Sistrr tit. Marie-Odile's enthusiasm
over her " little one " in the cradle
(an enthusiasm which I was not in
a position to endorse, as the infant
was concealed from me) and her
reiterated protest that she " could
TJie Novice. "ABE YOU KEALLY A MAN?
You KNOW, IF you DON'T MIND MY BAYING
so, YOU 'BE JUST A LITTLE BIT LIKE ONE OF
THOSE WAXWORKS."
.
Sister St. Maric-Odile . Miss MARIE LOHH.
A Corporal ....'. Mr. BASIL GILL.
not yet understand" the very natural
indignation of the Mother Superior.
Mr. KNOBLAUCH might have made
more of this lady if he had allowed her
a touch of humanity, but here he went
the way of least resistance, and Miss
HELEN HAYK followed him with a great
and cat-like fidelity. Mr. BASIL GILL
had a difficult task in combining the
personalities of ST. MICHAKI, and a
seducer of innocence, but he achieved
it with such discretion as the case
permitted. Mr. 0. B. CLAIIENCE as
Peter, the sole male attached to the
convent, made a lovable dotard. Mr.
HUBERT CARTER, most robust and
swarthy, showed a rough good-nature
very admirable in the leader of a licen-
tious soldiery. Among the inarticulate
characters the convent pigeons did well,
including St. Francis, the brown one,
who was condemned to death for the
Mother Superior's dinner, and never
knew how large a part he played in
the issue of the drama.
When I have added that the scene
was too pleasant for any need of
change I hope I have done my duty by
a play that is not likely, for all its
good qualities and still better inten-
tions, to repeat with us in London the
success it -won in America at a time
when they could still treat the subject
of War in a spirit of detachment.
O. S.
" GAMBLERS ALL."
Sir George Langworthy, stockbroker,
had a holy horror of gambling in
every form — his own business, which
he described as "legitimate specula-
tion," of course excepted. Thai being
so, it was unfortunate that he should
have selected as , step-mother to his
grown-up son and daughter a young
lady with a congenital passion for play.
For a time the new Lady Langworthy
managed to conceal her proclivity
under the guise of an absorption in
music, and ascribed to concerts the time
she spent at the brjdge-table. But a
run of bad luck proved her undoing.
She dared not tell her husband what
she owed and why she owed it. Her
brother, Harold Tempest, had the same
fitful fever running through his veins
and was already deeply in debt to
one Amos, a money-lender. In des-
pair, and on the off-chance that her
luck would change, she' went off to
a, fashionable "gambling -hell, kept by
Major and- Mrs.' Stock's (admirably
played by Mr. LYSTON LYLE and Miss
FRANCES WETHERALL). ;Hero she met
John Leighton, a mysterious finan-
cial acquaintance of her husband, who
vainly endeavoured to dissuade her
from playing and offered to lend her
the money; and here',* too, came Sir
George to fetch his wife from the
" musical evening " which lie supposed
to be in progress. He had barely dis-
covered his mistake when in marched
the police and arrested the whole party,
himself included.
The Third Act takes place at the
Langworthys' on Christmas Day. In
spite of her pleading Sir George refuses
to forgive his errant spouse, and goes off
to church in a most un-Christian state
of mind. Harold appears to reveal the
fact that to get money from old Amos
to pay his sister's debts he has put
Leighton's name on the back of a bill,
and that the forgery cannot be con-
cealed, as he has since learned — what
the experienced playgoer has guessed
for some time — that Leighton and Amos
are one and the same. And no sooner
has he gone than in walks Leighton
himself to make hot love to the forlorn '
little gambler and to urge her to fly
JUNE 16, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
479
'-/
IP YOU
WARNING TO HOUSEHOLDERS.
TAKE YOUB ANTI-OAS RESPIRATOR TO BED WITH 7OO, TOO MIGHT MENTION IT TO YOUB WIFE FIRST.
with him. In the last Act Leighton is
visited in succession by all the prin-
cipal characters. Buth Langiuorthy
(Kir (ii'onje's daughter) tells him of her
love for Harold; Sir George seeks his
advice as to the recovery of his wife's
affections ; and Harold cornes to con-
fess the forgery. At last Lady Lang-
worthy arrives, a pathetic little figure
in white, ready to surrender herself to
save her brother, though she admits
that her love still remains with her
husband. By this time, one suspects,
Leiijhton is heartily tired of the whole
family. At any rate he refuses the
sacrifice, packs Lady Langworthy off
with Sir George, and is last seen
lighting Harold's cigarette with the
forged bill.
The play, though a little old-fashioned
both in plot and presentment, is well
worth seeing, if only for the admirable
acting. Leighton, a sort of Eobin Hood
among money-lenders, is not an easy
character to make convincing, but Mr.
LK\\ is WAI,LKH goes as near success as
is possible, and in his scenes with Lady
Langworthy maintains his reputation
as one of the best lovers on our stage.
Miss MADGE TITHEHADGE, who seems to
advance with every part she plays, has
done nothing better than her Lady
Langworthy, whosa naughtiness never
overcomes her charm. As the husband
Mr. CHABLES V. FKANCB makes us be-
lieve.that the anti-gambling stockbroker
is not only possible but probable; while
the comparatively small part of Harold,
with which Mr. DU MAUBIER contents
himself, fits him like a glove. The
minor characters are all adequately
filled, and a special word of praise is due
to Miss AGNES GLYNNE'S performance
as a tempestuous flapper. L.
"Mr. Lloyd George announces the with-
drawal-of beer and wine duties, and the pro-
hibition of the sale of spirits to those under
three years of age." — Ceylon Sportsman.
This part of the late CHANCELLOR OF
THE EXCHEQUER'S policy had hitherto
escaped notice, even the persons directly
affected having raised no articulate
protest.
1 ' Here the party was courteously received by
Miss Broach, secretary to the Rev. Canon
Bawnsley (who, owing to absence, was unable
to be present)." — Manchester City News.
Nothing else would have kept him away.
"The press are specially reminded that no
statement whatever must be published dealing
with the places in the neighbourhood of Lon-
don reached by aircraft, or the curse supposed
to be taken by them." — Aberdeen Free Press.
But for the Censor's warning we should
have hazarded the suggestion that it
was G— S— E— .
"The War Office has issued respirators to
all the staff of the Press Bureau."
Evening Standard.
The rest of the world can now breathe
more freely.
By custom a half-quartern loaf is understood
to weigh 21Ibs., And purchasers who require a
loaf weighing 211bs. should ask for a 211b.
loaf." — Cambridge Weekly News.
Of course they should also see that they
get it.
From a r.otice of Marie-Odile : —
" The theme is a very frail one, and honestly
Mr. Knolsland has not the skill or delicacy to
save it. ...
What Mr. Knolslanch knows of nuns would
go into a very small compass. ' '
Evening Xews.
In the circumstances it is just as well
that Mr. KNOBLAUCH wrote the play,
and not either of these other gentlemen.
48D PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVARI. [JUNE 16, 1915.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)
I AM not quite sure that we haven't had enough of
white-hot War -books. All that can bo said without
possible heirs to an old uncle, but was supposed to have
lost his chance by marrying liosamond, the betting being
strongly in favour of Emily, a female cousin, who had been
sent to look after the old man — in more senses than one.
Rosamond, finding herself stricken with mortal disease,
further, and as yet unavailable, evidence as to the causes
of the Great Tragedy has been said by many competent
men, and perhaps in fewer, though certainly not more
eloquent, words than by Sir GILUKRT PARKKH in The World
and knowing her death would leave the man she loves
without bis little comforts, conceals her state, and, having
persuaded him into a protracted visit of ingratiation to the
will-maker, herself goes off abroad to die alone. She even
in the Crucible (MuuuAY). And yet I think these forceful prepares a batch of cheery letters, to be sent at regular
vigorous pages will find many readers and drive home some intervals before and after her death, in order to keep the
terrible convictions. Our new baronet's method of select i husband from deserting his task. Naturally when, having
quotation from adversaries is open to the objection attach- J got the inheritance (and incidentally complicated matters
ing to all work of the sort, that it raises a certain kind of j by falling in love with Emily}, he finds out the truth, he
doubt in the fair-minded reader. No doubt one might find suffers as any woman who cared for him could surely have
some German book composed exclusively of hot-headed foreseen.
and very yellow utterances by
Englishmen, arranged as a
complete justification of this
" Preventive War," or proving
guilty machinations on the
part of Albion the always per-
,tidious. The best part of the
book is the summary of Ger- j
man war crime, from the be- 1
ginning of August last to the
sinking of the Falaba ; and
the significant reminder of the
fine chivalry with which Japan
and Bussia conducted their
desperate struggle in the open-
ing years of the century. Said
the Japanese officers to Sir IAN
HAMILTON when he congratu-
lated them on the conduct of j
their men : " We cannot afford j
to have any people connected i
with this army plundering or !
illtreating the inhabitants of |
the countries we traverse."
While of the Eussians he
wrote: "The Muscovites
haven't lifted so much as an
egg, even during the demoral-
isation of a defeat." That is
the answer to those sensitives
who sit apart and murmur,
" All war is terrible," with the implication that the kind
waged by Germans is no worse than the others. It
simply isn't true, and because it isn't true there are old
and stodgy merchants who have never done anything more
adventurous than miss the 9.45 up-train, yet, if there were
any talk of premature peace, would be clamouring to be
sent across the Channel in protest to the death.
I think I ought to warn you against prejudging The
House of Many Mirrors (STANLEY PAUL) by the picture on
the cover. The pale man with staring eyes who is holding
up a lamp depicts indeed the hero of the tale, but the actual
circumstances are not so melodramatic and creepy as their
presentation suggests. Indeed, though there is drama,
and grim drama, in Miss VIOLET HUNT'S latest story, it is
not of the sensational kind. It is a story of a woman's
self-sacrifice, and as such has done m«ch to strengthen me
in a previous conviction that self-sacrifice can be one of the
most terrible forms of selfishness. Consider the facts.
liosamond Pleydell, a woman of the idle, not quite well-
enough-to-do set, loved her husband, whom she supported
out of her own income. The husband was one of several
AETFUL DEVICE BESOBTED
THOUGHT HE WAS OBSERVED.
My admiration for Miss HUNT'S real cleverness
of style made me sorry that she
has wasted it here — and not for
the first time — upon a sordid
tale of unpleasant people.
Tares (CHAPMAN AND HALL)
i is the name that Mr. E.
i TEMPLE THUBSTON has given
to a collection of short stories
and sketches. To save you
| from a wholly unjustifiable
i misapprehension, I should per-
! haps explain that the title is
simply taken from that of the
first story in the book, and has
no reference to the general
character of the whole.
" Tares " itself is a very well-
made and poignant little sketch
of certain events in Malines,
centred in the historic and
terrible pronouncement made
from the pulpit by a priest of
that town. Both here and
elsewhere in this book Mr.
TEMPLE THURSTON has shown
himself able to write about
the War with passion and yet
[ with dignity and restraint. A
i rare gift. There are other
' sketches, semi-satiric studies
divine, which are of more
them, to be honest, hardly
A GERMAN SNIPEB WHO
character
Some of
of the female
unequal merit.
seem quite to have earned their place. The best of the
humorous batch is the last, a story told with delightful
humour of an engaging idiot named Cuthbertson, who
thought he could box and was tempted into a Surreyside
ring — with disastrous consequences. I liked especially the
touch which depicts him, confronted with the peculiar
aroma of the dressing-room, and observing that it was " a
bit niffy " ; though, as the author points out, " this was not
his usual method of speech. He was doing as the Romans
do in Rome." Perhaps Mr. THUBSTON won't thank me for
saying that I place some of the contents of
volume much above his better known novels.
this modest
But I do.
A selection of the verses which have appeared on the
second page of Punch during the War has been published
by Messrs. CONSTABLE at Is. under the title War -Time.
More Commercial Candour.
Draper's notice in the middle of a sale week: —
"I have no guarantee that these blouses will last till Saturday."
,!I:M: 23, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
CHARIVARIA.
A GENTLEMAN writes to The K veiling
to mention that it is impossible
iif)\v to pet paper collars, as they were
of Austrian make. Wo had noticed
lately many of the smartest men about
Town wearing the linen article.
:;-. ^ s;:
" I know no more subtly delicious
sensation," says Mr. EKNKST NEWMAN,
" than sitting in a hall full of people
who dislike you." Oil, that the KAISEU
would realise this, and come to West-
minster Hall ! * ...
The Vossische Zeitung publishes a
paragraph suggesting that Lord HAL-
DANK, when he visited WeUlar, the
Werlhcr town, was acting as a spy.
Whatever may be the failings of that
rotund statesman, the ex-Louu CHAN-
CELLOU, we fancy that this is the first
time that he has been accused of being
slim. .:. ...
Further revelations as to the under-
feeding of prisoners in Germany are
now to hand, and are openly reported
by the Taijliche liimthchau. In the
Zoological Gardens at Berlin, we are
told, the Polar bear is now getting fish
refuse instead of bread, the brown
hears have to content themselves with
roots and raw potatoes, while the
cranes and other water birds have been
deprived of their meat.
* *
The author of Esther Waters has
addressed a letter to the Press, on the
subject of the food question, which has
aroused the wildest indignation in
canine circles, and angry dogs are
now asking for MOORK. The dis-
tinguished novelist, who estimates that
there are in London " a million and a
half of dogs, every one of which eats
as much as a human being," has, it is
declared, mistaken the dogs' ambition
for their actual achievements. It is
Man, the dogs retort, that is the greedy
animal, and, if he could only be
abolished, there would be no food ques-
tion at all.
A German surgical journal says that
a Prussian cavalry captain who was
wounded in September has now re-
sumed active service with an artificial
leg. More remarkable than this, in
our opinion, is that quite a number of
Austrian officers are fighting with
wooden heads. .,, ...
There is said to be some alarm
among the clients of the beauty doctor
who was deported the other day lest
the lady should retaliate by publishing
a chatty volume of reminiscences about
the triumphs of her art, with illustra-
tions of some of her more remarkable
restorations. $ ^
*
" To the north of Neuville we carried
some German listening posts." — French
official comm un it/uf. So there 's another
illusion gone — the dear old simile, "As
deaf as a post." # *
*'
"This war," complained a flabby
peace-promoter, "is an iniquitous war."
Well, it is being prosecuted; what more
can he want ?
" :;:
The Ottawa Free Press announces
that Mrs. POLLY ANNE STRODES, who
"SWAT THAT
{The "Willy" or Prussian Blue-bottle Fly.)
is seventy years -of age and has been
married thirteen times, has decided to
seek a divorce from her present spouse.
This would seem to confirm the belief
that thirteen is an unlucky number,
anyhow as regards husbands.
•4- | =::
" RACING AND FOOTBALL SWKKI'S."
Evening Standard.
While one may disapprove of those
who during War-time have continued
to take part in these sports, this
language is surely stronger than the
occasion warrants ?
* *
The French, The. Evening Standard
informed us the other day, have gained
ground " on the heights which separate
the valley of the Fecht from that of the
Laugh." It is just as well that the
Germans should realise that the Laugh
is not always with them.
A Clever Disguise.
" Miiny Aiistro-Qerman wi'im-n dressed as
luting Northern Italy."
Australian I'ras.
More Apologies Impending.
" It is obvious that Mr. Lincoln cannot U
I to tell the truth. His confessions
testify to the efficiency of the Intclli^i -n. •••
Departments of the War Office and the
Admiralty." — Daily Chronicle,
More Commercial Candour.
Advertisement in a photographer's
window : —
" Enlargements made. Faded ones guaran-
teed."
"Splendid manufacturing opportunity;
only small amount of honey needed ; must
have good live man as partner."
ffttff-Ttmtt (Denrer).
No drone need apply.
Mr. HILAIRE BELLOC, in Land and
Water, positively asserts that " the
enemy consists in a certain group com-
monly called the Germanic powers."
Ought these revelations, so helpful to
the enemy, to be allowed? What is
the Csnsor doing?
"The Hon. Secretary reported that tho
tender of Mr. H. Newton for panting at the
hospital, of £36, had been accepted."
Northampton Chronicle.
Surely some of the patients could have
done it cheaper.
" It looks to the new National Government
to take nil those steps which may be found
necessary to weld the whole power of tho nation
into one mighty weapon with which to put an
early fishing stroke to tho war."
Western Hominy tCevs.
This new weapon must be some kind
of rod — in pickle for the KAISER.
From the paper that is ever first
with the news :—
"Three years later, iu July, 1915, Dr. —
was strongly censured by a coroner's jury, &c."
Daily Mail, Juno 11, 1915.
"Colonel W. H. Walker (U — Widnes)
asked whether the Board of Agriculture would
communicate with county councils of districts
where German prisoners are interned with the
object of making arrangements for employ-
ment of pisoners for haymaking and other
harvest help." — Manchester Gtt-ardian.
We trust the Government will not
listen for a moment to this horrible
suggestion.
"The bronze horses of St. Mark, once pro-
bably on the Arch of Nero, and later on tho
Arch of Trojan."— The Field.
With the wooden horse of Troy playing
so large a part in descriptions of the
Dardanelles operations our contempor-
ary's slip is intelligible.
VOL. cxtvm.
CO
482
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JUNE 23,. 1915.
OF GASES.
(To the enemy, who has given praise to Heaven for the
gift of poison.)
THF.RE is a gas your murderers make,
Not such as cleanly chokes the breath,
But dealing, just for cruelty's sake,
A long-drawn agony worse than death ;
Nor do you deem it odd
To vaunt its virtues as a gift from God.
And there's a gas, the "laughing" blend
(Although its humour seems remote) ;
They peg the patient's mouth and send
A soporific down his throat;
And, like a child at dawn,
Waking, he finds a stump or two withdrawn.
Such is the gas your masters' art
Gives you to deaden pain and fear;
They take and prize your jaws apart
"When gaping wide for Munich beer,
Press-gag your mouth and nose,
And pump and pump till you are comatose.
Long draughts of strange and windy lies
Down your receptive maw you gulp,
Until the opiate seals your eyes
And Reason gets reduced to pulp ;
So well the vapours work,
Like hashish on your torpid friend, the Turk.
But, when you breathe pure air again,
Sore with a sense of something missed,
And want to know who drugged your brain,
I envy not the anaesthetist;
You '11 raise a hideous rout
On finding all your wisdom-teeth are out.
O. S.
THE BOMBSTERS.
Billv was gravely occupied in splashing vivid colours on
to the persons and dresses of fashion-plate ladies. To him
came Dickie and watched the process with a supercilious
air.
." Ladies don't have green cheeks," he remarked.
"Tired of pink," said Billy tersely.
" I 've thought of a game," observed Dickie.
" I know : me be Germans an' you bay'net me with the
sword what Uncle Ted gave you. Don't want to play."
"It isn't that; it's quite new."
Dickie drew nearer.
" Wouldn't you like to play at being a bomb, while I
pretend to be a village? " he said persuasively.
" A English bomb?"
Dickie looked a little anxious.
" I meant you to be a German bomb, so as you wouldn't
have to hurt me much," he admitted.
" You hurted me quite a lot with your sword," said Billy.
" Only pretence hurt."
".No, real hurt."
" Well, will you play?" urged Dickie, waiving that point.
" You '11 have to climb a tree to be a bomb."
Billy's eyes lit up.
"Why?" he asked.
" So 's you can drop properly," explained bis brother.
"Come on."
Billy surrendered, and the two ran into the garden and
made for the apple-tree.
" Who 's to drop me ? " asked Billy.
" Yourself will drop you, of course," Dickie replied with
some impatience. " I 'm a village. I can't be in the
Zeppylin as well. The tree 's the Zeppylin. First, you "re the
German soldier what throws you an,' then you 're the bomb."
" Can't I be English ? "
" No ; you might kill me, an' then what would mother
say?"
"A village can't be killed."
" Well, but I 'm everything in the village. The postman,
an" the cocks an' hens, an' the doctor, an' they might be
killed. At least, they might if you could aim straight, but,
anyway, you can't be a English bomb, 'cos they aren't dropped
'cept where it 's all right, you know. On forts an' things."
" You be a fort, then, an' I '11 be a English soldier
what can aim," persisted Billy.
" No, you mustn't. You 've got to miss, an' bounce, or
make a hole in a soft place," said Dickie, firmly. " Or
you can be the village if you like, only I thought you 'd
like to be allowed to climb the tree first."
"All right, then. May I make a loud bang? "
" Yes, a very loud one, if you like."
So Dickie assisted bis brother up the lower part of the
tree, and then left him to scramble along a forked branch.
"Now you're a German in a Zeppylin, an' I'm the
village," said Dickie, proceeding to walk about below, play ing
the doctor, the postman, cocks and hens, or a" cottage, as the
fancy seized him.
Suddenly there was a rending of twigs, and Billy was on
the top of him. The impact was considerable, and they
both rolled over. The bang was forgotten.
"You s-shouldn't have bit me," gasped Dickie, rubbing
his head while indignant tears stood in his eyes.
" C-couldn't h-help it," sobbed Billy. " I wented by-
accident."
They sat looking at each other in the true enemy spirit
for some time.
" I don't like this game," Billy sniffed resentfully.
"I'll be the bomb, then," decided Dickie, getting up on
his feet. "You '11 like the village better. There 's so many
things you can be, all at once."
"I'll be a motor-car dashing through," said Billy, cheer-
ing up. " Lots of motor-cars, all dashing through, with
men inside what have letters for Lord KITCHENEB."
"All right," agreed Dickie, pulling himself up into the
Zeppelin.
Billy proceeded to " dash through " with great vehe-
mence and much snorting of engines.
" You sound like a train," remarked Dickie.
" Well, p'r'aps I am a train now," said Billy the
versatile. " There 's a station in m>j village."
Dickie hummed gently up aloft.
" I 'm the Zeppylin making noises," he said ; then added
with extraordinary courtesy : " Coming ! "
And he did corne, not forgetting to shout " Bang ! " as
he readied the ground, which was harder than he had
expected. He also bit his tongue rather severely.
"You didn't bounce much," observed Billy, callously.
Dickie withheld his speech for several seconds.
Then he said, " I 've had enough. Let 's go in."
" No, I want to be a bomb again," pleaded Billy. " You
see if I can't do it."
When their mother came out to fetch them in to tea, she
was welcomed by two small ragamuffins owning between
them four grazed knees, two pairs of scratched hands, a
bumped forehead, a swelled lip, one whole pair of knicker-
bockers, and a couple of perfectly cheerful countenances.
"My dear children!" she exclaimed; "what have you
been doing to yourselves ? Oh, your knickers, Billy ! '
"We've been bombs," they explained; "Lui it's difficult.!
PUNCH. OR TIIH LONDON CHA III V. \IU.— JUXB 23. 10 15.
INJURED INNOCENCE.
CITIZEN OF KARLSRUHE. "HIMMEL! TO ATTACK A PEACEFUL TOWN SO FAB FROM THE
TIIKATRE OF OPERATIONS! IT IS UNHEARD OF. WHAT DEVIL TAUGHT THEM THIS
WICKEDNESS?"
;.Virmen of the Allies have Ixnnhardod Karlsruhe, the headquarters of the 14th German Army Corps. Tha town contains an
important arsenal ;uid large chemical, engineering :iud railway works. J
JUNE 23, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
4K5
11 O
Sergeant (drilling company). "LEFT — BIGHT — LEFT— BIGHT — LEFT LEFT LEFT "
Motlier. "WE IIUBT KEEP IN STEP, MOLLJE."
Mollie. "YES, WE MUST. I CAN DO THE ' LEFT— BIGHT,' BUT I CAN'T MANAGE THE 'LEFT— LEFT.' How DO THEY DO IT?"
HOW I CAUGHT EDWARD.
IN tackling a trout that has evaded
capture for a large number of years,
the first thing to do is to find out
what methods of fishing he has been
brought up to, and then use care to
avoid all of them. In such a case the
fisherman's only chance is to fish all
wrong. Accordingly the first thing
I did when I engaged Edward, the
famous Fraddingford trout, at the Two
Yc T^ITS Hotel (they used to hire him
out at a special extra charge of one
shilling for the day) was to creep to the
hank above his hole and try to fetch
him a crack with the landing handle.
As it happened, he observed me, and I
tnU-od him. I had no intention of
maiming him, but it was important to
do everything possible to lead Edward
to suppose I had no intention of trying
to catch him, and I knew that to
attempt to slog him with the landing
handle would put him <>1Y bis guard.
Much more than this was however
necessary. I tied a handkerchief to
my rod so that Edward should think
1 w-,is out flag-flapping with the boy
scouts ; and I sat on the edge and
splashed my feet in the water, while
from time to time I tore a sod from the
bank and pitched it in. I saw a dog,
and called him up and threw him in
on top of Edward, and made him swim
about a bit and bark, and in fact I did
all 1 could think of to raise in Edward
a false sense of security. In this I was
successful ; Edward was completely
misled. So I caught him.
The flies I caught Edward with were
five in number. " Five " because five
were a great deal too many according
to Edward's ideas ; and not more than
five because I was afraid of infringing
the rule printed on his tickets, which
said that he was only to be taken " by
fair fishing with the artificial fly." It
is difficult to say which fly caught
Edward the most ; each played a use-
ful part in getting a purchase on him
and so tangling the cast about him that
his chance was hopeless ; but my own
favourite was the Green Wag-tail. I do
not, however, overlook the part played
by the hook. The fact that the hook
is the most essential component of an
artificial fly seems to be entirely
ignored by most writers on fishing.
A nice sharp hook is of course of first
importance, but only experience can
teach what patterns of hook a trout
favours most under different conditions
of light and temperature. Much know-
ledge, however, may be acquired by
studying the old hooks which are to be
found embedded in nearly all fish taken
from popular waters.
While I am on the subject of trout-
flies I should like to call attention to a
fly which I have observed in hair-
dressers' shops on warm afternoons in
the late summer. I have named this
fly the Tickler, and in my opinion it
would form a particularly deadly lure
and should never be absent from any
well-lined fly-book, for I am convinced
that no trout would allow a fly of such
pertinacity to remain at large.
In concluding this account of how I
caught Edward, 1 should like to ask if
any of your readers can tell me whether
it is in any way possible to stuff a fish
and eat it tco. I may say that I am
very fond of a nice fat fish, no one more
so, and I feel besides that as a sports-
man it is my duty to eat the fish I
catch and admire its flavour. It comes
hard, when one catches a big fish and
wants him stuffed, to have to forgo
the hearty meal of which the thought
has nerved one's purpose throughout a
long day.
48G
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JUNK 23, 1915.
MOSES.
I MUST begin by affirming that this
i-, .1 true story.
I'.veryono who ever idled in Paris in
the good days when the world was
happy must have passed now and again
across the Gardens of the Tuileries and
stopped to watch that engaging old
gentleman, M. POL, conversing with his
friends the sparrows. Whether or no
in these dark times M. POL still carries
on his gracious work of charming the
birds 1 cannot say; he was looking
very frail when last 1 saw him, a year
and more ago ; but that his influence
still persists is proved by the extra-
ordinary events which I am about to
relate, and which, as I said before,
and shall probably have to
say again, are true. One
must not claim too much for
M. POL or underrate the intel-
ligence of Moses. None the
less I feel strongly that, had
it not been for M. POL'S many
years of sympathetic inter-
course with those gamins of
the air, the Parisian spar-
rows, and all bis success in
building that most difficult of
bridges — the one uniting bird
and man — the deeds of Moses
might never have come before
the historian.
" Moses? " you say, " who
is this Moses ? " The ques-
tion is a very proper one and
it shall be answered.
Let us begin at the be-
ginning. In the city of Paris,
in an appartement not very
distant from the Etoile or
Place of the Arc de Triomphe
dwell two little boys. They _
are American boys, and they
I tiny struggling in the gutter, and, drag-
ging the others to it, he found that it
was a young bird very near its end. The
bird had probably fluttered from the nest
too soon, and nothing but the arrival
of the twins saved its life.
" Voild un moineaiit" said Made-
moiselle, " moineau" being the French
nation's odd way of saying sparrow ;
and the little creature was picked up
and carried tenderly home; and since
sparrows do not fall from the heavens
every day to add interest to the life of
small American boys in Paris this little
bird had a royal time. A basket was
Moses did. The light of the twins' life
was extinguished, and even Mademoi
selle, who, being an instructor of youth
knew the world and had gathered forti
tude, was conscious of a blank.
So far, I am aware, this narrative
has not taxed credulity. But now
comes the turning point where you wil
require all your powers of belief. A
week or so after their bereavement, as
the twins and their governess were on:
for their walk, scanning, according to
their new and perhaps only half-con-
scious habit, with eager glances ever)
group of birds for their beloved renegade
hav
a French governess. In addition to
this they are twins, but that has
nothing to do with Moses. I relate
the fact merely to save you the trouble
of visualising each little boy separately.
All that you need do is to imagine one
and then double him.
Well, after their lessons are done
these two little boys go for a walk with
their governess in the Champs Elysees,
or the Pare Monceau, or even into the
Bois itself, wherever, in fact, the long-
egged children of Paris take the air ;
and no doubt as they walk they put a
;housand Ollendorflian questions to
Vlademoiselle, who has all her work
cut out for her in answering, first on
one side and then on the other. That
converted into a cage for it and fitted one of them exclaimed, " Look, there's
with a perch, and food and drink were j Moses ! " To most of us one sparrow
pressed upon it continually. It was 'is exactly like another, but this little
indeed I ho basket that was the cause ofi boy's eye, trained by affection, did not
err, for Moses it truly was
There he was pecking away
on the grass with three ;or
four companions.
"Moses! " called the twins
'•Moses!" called the gover
ness, "Moses! Moses!" mov-
ing a little nearer and nearer
all the time. And after a few
moments' indecision, to their
intense rapture Moses flew
up and settled in his old
place on Mademoiselle's
shoulder and very willingly
allowed himself to be held
and carried home again.
And there he is to this
day.
This is a free country
(more or less) and anyone is
at liberty to disbelieve my
| story and even to add that I
i am an Ananias of peculiar
distinction, but the story is
true none the less, and very
pretty too, don't you think'.'
Faff lions Slacker (as lie notes wording on till). "ANY CHAWNCE
o' GETTIN' THE JOB, GUVNOR?"
Newspaper Seller. "No WORRY AT ALL, MATE. Mr SECEJWABY
AT THE COBNEB THERE 'l,L SIGN YE ON WIVOUT ANY DHI.AY."
the bird's name, for as one of the twins,
who was a considerable Biblical scholar,
very appositely remarked, "We ought
to call it Moses because we took it out
of the water and put it in a thing made
of rushes." Moses thus gained his name
and his place in the establishment ; and
every day he grew not only in vigour
but in familiarity. After a little while
he would hop on the twins' fingers ;
after that he proceeded to Mademoi-
selle's shoulder; and then he sat on
the desk where the boys did their little
lessons and played the very dickens with
their assiduity.
In short Moses rapidly became the
most important person in the house.
And then, after two or three weeks,
the inevitable happened. Someone
las nothing to do with the story either, i left a window open, and Moses, now an
cept in so far as it shows you the , accomplished amateur, flew away. All
hree together.
befriended birds do this sooner or later,
\.. II . • *-*v^ t'mo Qwum. \ji i«iiuci(
Well on one morning in the Spring but rarely do thsy leave behind them
Ule boys saw something such a state of grief and desolation as
From a description of the New
Derby : — •
"The sky was a bright, burnished blue;
everything was quivering in the heat ; it WHS
an ideal day for a picnic and all the people
were pinkicking." — The Times.
It sounds a painful way of spending a
holiday, and very bad for their boots.
" By the light of the moon I saw the door
in the wall open gently and the heads of sonic
of the albino women appear through the
overture."
" Tlic Holy Flower," by Ttider Haggard.
Waiting to join in the chorus, we
suppose.
"War map of German Kast Africa litho-
graphed in Four Colours. This is the most
reliable Map of German S.W. Africa ever
offered for sale." — Advt. in " Cape Times."
This is a result, we suppose, of General
BOTHA'S success in altering the map in
the latter region.
JUNK *!, I'M;',.
()!! Till-: LONDON CHARIVARI.
487
NEW WAR-TIME CADDIE.
riayer (two down at (lie turn}. "I'M VERT MUCH ANNOYKD WITH von, OADDIR, FOB NOT WATCHING MY BALL AT Tire LAST nor.n.
TUR LOSS OK THAT BALL MF.ANS A VKBY SERIOUS THING IN A MATCH OF THIS KIND."
New Caddie. " DON'T YOU oo WOBBYING YOURSELF ABOUT A UTTT,B THING LIKE THAT, SIB. QUITE LIKELY, in TH« COOTISH or
OtTR WANDERING OVKB THIS GROUND, WE SHALL COMK ON ANOTHEB, AND, MARK YOU, A BETTER, BALL."
THE REST CURE.
IP I were the sole dictator and protector of the State
And untrammelled arbitrator of all causes small or great,
With no shade of hesitation I would cheerfully proceed
To the prompt elimination of the Folk We Do Not Need.
Though the proverb is emphatic on the merits of " Stone
Dead,"
I should not bo so fanatic as to knock them on the head ;
But, as quite the very best cure of the ills that we abhor,
I 'd condemn them to a rest cure till the finish of the War.
First, it goes without the saying, all the scribbling men of
straw
Who are always busy slayingEngland'sfoeinenwith their jaw
Should no more be tolerated when they rave and rage and
ramp,
But be speedily located in our Soporific Camp.
Next I 'd take the politicians who can only growl and grouse,
With the rancorous rhetoricians who exasperate the House,
And the candid friends of Britain who, whenever we have
won,
Are invariably smitten with compassion for the Hun.
Then I 'd add the precious rollers of each other's petty logs ;
Foreign policy " controllers," pettifogging demagogues ;
All Uie" copperheads "whose mission is to cavil and embroil,
And to crab the Coalition, since it halves the Party's spoil.
Finally, without compunction all the novelists I 'd seize
Who 've usurped the critic's function ; and, to cure their
fell disease,
And to purge their souls' disquiet of the tyranny of tracts
I'd confine their mental diet to MACDONALD'S stream of
facts.
This is only a selection of the folk I'd like to see
Placed, to better our protection, safely under lock and key ;
Alien enemies give trouble, yet it has to be confessed
We are menaced with a double danger in the native pest
" It has been ascertained that the Kaiser visited Hartmannsweiler-
kopf in order to encourage the Guardsmen, and that after the stubborn
resistance of the (termans by the Cameroons he retired to a high
plateau in the centre of the colony and sat down."
Hong Kong Daily Press.
Further details of the KAISER'S movements from the same
veracious authority are awaited with interest. Meanwhile
we understand that his favourite song for the moment IB
"The March of the Cameroons Men."
"I mot Mr. John Redmond in the outer lobby on Thursday
and lie looked terribly cross. What had upset him? By the way,
I missed the familiar flower from his button-hole. Ha was wear-
ing the small bow-tie which Mr. Balfour has made so familiar."
Weekly Dispatch.
But do not draw the hasty inference that Mr. BALFOUR
had previously pinched Mr. REDMOND'S button-hole.
488
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JUNE 23, 1915.
THE RECRUITING EYE.
TUB idea started with Mrs. Minder.
Indeed, I think I may say that she is
solely and entirely accountable for the
business from beginning to end, and as
several members of the Corps seem to
think that someone ought to be made
responsible I do say so. For I know
that it will not trouble Mrs. Minter one
little bit. Sho is the sort of woman
who suggests things, starts them with
enthusiasm, and then somehow forgets.
She has a limpid conscience, a vivid
j eye, a way with her, and an abounding
popularity.
" I think the Corps perfectly
splendid," she declared after the in-
spection. " Only, oh, why don't hun-
dreds more join ? "
" They ought to," said Wright with
conviction. " Or, at least, they ought
to turrr up stronger when they have
joined. At Tuesday's drill, Platoon 6
. was forming fours out of two men. It
•damps the enthusiasm of recruits when
, they find that they are practically the
isame in every formation."
Mrs. Minter flashed an appreciative
Imusical-cpmedy smile, but I suspect
that technicalities do not appeal to her.
",We are agreed, then," she said.
" Now I have an idea. Listen."
Of course we listened. I don't think
ithat I have mentioned Mrs. Minter's
:voice yet, but it has to be taken into
account.
" It 'a just this. You can all have a
imost . tremendous influence. You see,
you 're doing something. And so you
'can say to anyone, ' Why aren't you
jdoing something too?" And you'll
:get no end of recruits."
It sounded beautifully simple ; and
Mrs. Minter looked simply beautiful.
Carstairs voiced the general apprehen-
sion.
" It 's a bit awkward, don't you see,
[Mrs. Minter. We don't actually know
what another fellow may be doing.
Of course with fellows one really knows
it 's different. But generally speaking
it's a bit awkward, don't you see?"
Carstairs may not be a stylist, but
we felt that the argument was sound.
" I 've thought that all out," said the
lady airily. " That 's really just what
my idea gets over. You don't say
anything. You just .look. It could
be made most tremendously effective.
You are marching along the road,
don't you see, doing your bits, and
standing watching you as you pass
are heaps and heaps of slackers who
ought to be either with you or, if they
are eligible, in the army. You don't
*«// anything, but as you pass you just
look. You can put a most frightful lot
into a look if you really try. You must
be surprised and hurt and incredulous
and disappointed and reproachful and
— yes, just a teeny bit appealing, and
hero and there one of you catching
someone's eye and then turning away
quickly as though it was really too
much, and a few friendly and encourag-
ing, and some quite too saddened to do
anything but march bravely en. It
would be ever so much more fetching
than the thrilliest poster if it were
properly done."
" It would want a bit of doing," said
Bowring moodily. Bowring is a left
guide and saw where he would be
in it.
" Naturally it would need arranging,
but I will help you all I can. The
great thing is to get the right kind of
expression for the right kind of face.
Now, Mr. Beeching, for instance . . ."
You think we jibbed, but then, of
course, you don't know Mrs. Minter.
She impartially distributed expressions
suited to our faces. I will say nothing
of myself except that for show pur-
poses there is a tendency to encourage
me to become an even number in the
front rank. But, as Mrs. Minter re-
marked, grim determination can he as
artistically portrayed as any of the
subtler shades of emotion. She was
very nice about it.
A couple of days later we had a route
march. Owing to a rather late change
in orders, while a few men brought
their rifles and turned up in uniform-
the great majority did not. Still we
were pleased with the day. We put up
a great tramp, including Murber Bridge,
Little Chimpington, Brookleigh and
Sturton Much — villages in which a
volunteer corps is something of a
novelty, I should imagine, by the way
the natives turned out. It was an
opportunity, and loyally we responded
to Mrs. Minter's instructions. We
flattered ourselves that a recruiting
sergeant following our line would have
had an easy thing that day, and we
openly regretted that we should never
know the actual result of our effort.
We were mistaken. .
I dropped in to see Wrathby yester-
day— he is our Quartermaster. There
were half-a-dozen other people there,
all strangers to me, and one or two
of them, I found, strangers to the
Wrathbys also. A placid old lady was
achieving momentary importance by
some narration when a word caught
my ear —
" It was quite a sensation for Little
Chimpington . . ."
' Little Chimpington ! " I exclaimed.
" Mrs. Gapper lives there," explained
the lady who had brought her.
" Sensation " sounded promising.
What is termed a denouement was
evidently impending. I made sure of
the alignment of my tie.
•' I was speaking of a gang of those
terrible Germ an spies who were marched
through the village recently/' explained
Mrs. Gapper for my benefit. " It is
a mercy that the Government is intern-
ing them at last, for a more desperate
type of men one could not imagine.
Fortunately they were kept well under
control by a few of our own soldiers,
who marched by their sides with loaded
rifles ; but the glances that the prisoners
cast in our direction as they were
hurried by showed us plainly, now the
masks were off, what we might expect
at their hands."
"When was this?" I found myself
asking huskily.
" Last Saturday — only last Saturday.
I can see their faces yet. Such looks
of malice, vindictiveness, brutal cun-
ning, hopeless despair and baffled
treachery I feel that . I shall never be
able to forget.'1 ••.,:..
" You are quite sure that they lucre
Germans ? " asked her friend. " There
seems to have been a doubt."
" My dear ! With faces like that what
else could they have been? Be -sides,
they were branded."
" Branded 1 " It was • Wrathby 's
voice, shrunk to a whisper. He also
had heard and been drawn into the
denouement.
" Yes ; everyone had to wear a wide
red band round his arm with the letters
A.E.D.C. on — Alien Enemy Detention
Camp, of course."
:|: # # # *
There is a motion down for the next
meeting of the Committee of the
A — ton Emergency Defence Corps to
substitute for the existing brassard one
of the more conventional type. It is
understood that it will be carried
unanimously.
The Ideal Lodger.
" WANTED, superior Furnished Apartments,
good neighbourhood, for Gentleman who gets
all his meals out, sleeps out, pays for his
washing, and calls onco a week to settle his
account." — Hull Daily Mail.
" A girl — quite a pretty girl, dark eyed, dark
haired, high coloured, with anxious violet-blue
eyes — came softly in." — The 1'ennij Magazine.
Most of us only possess one pair, and
it seems nesdlessly extravagant to use
so many eyes at once. Why not save
the violet-blue ones for Sunday ?
From a parish magazine : —
" We regret to say that the Church gates,
which have been on our mind for some time,
have finally fallen to pieces."
Well, that ought to relieve the pressure
a little.
JUNE 23. 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
489
THE LITTLE INCONVENIENCES OF WAR.
'
"WE KHAl.I, PROBABLY HAVE IT ALL TO OOB-
BELVES, AND WE CAN HAVE A QUIET KNOCK BOUND."
" HEAVENS 1 THE LOCAL VOUJNTEEBS.
i
' "You CAN'T oo YET, MAN I THE LINE is STRAIGHT OVEB THE
8COUT-MASTEB»:>
" GREAT Scon 1 You 'VE HIT A GUIUE-MISTBESB."
"IT'S NO GOOD, OLD BOY — I'll TOO NERVOCS."
"IT COMES TO THIS, OLD CHAP
E1IALL HAVE TO JOIN SOMETHING."
490
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ••CHARIVARI.
[JUNE 23. 1915.
A FIELD DAY WITH OUR VOLUNTEERS.
Officer (who hat not ?unc7t<<2). "Now, SIB, YOU'VE GOT TO STAND HEBE AND KEEP A BUAEP LOOK-OUT ALL OVEO ma
Bur TOO 'KB os so ACCOUNT TO SEE THE ENEMZ TILL HALF-PAST TWO."
THE WOODS OF FRANCE.
MlDSXTMMEB, 1915.
NOT this year will the hamadryads sing
The old-time songs of Arcady that ran
Down the Lycsean glades ; the joyous ring
Of satyr dancers call away their clan ;
Not this year follow on the ripened'"Spring
The Summer pipes of Pan.
Cometh a time — as times have come before—-
When the loud legions rushing in array,
The flying bullet and the cannon roar,
Scatter the Forest Folk in pale dismay
To hie them far from their green dancing floor
And wait a happier day.
Yet think not that your Forest Folk are dead ;
To this old haunt, when friend has vanquished
foe,
They will return anon with lightsome tread
And labour that this place they love and know,
All broken now and bruised, may raise its head
And still in beauty grow.
Wherefore they wait the coming of good time
In the green English woods down Henley way,
In meadows where the tall cathedrals chime,
Or watching from the white St. Margaret's Bay,
Or North among the heather hills that climb
Above, the Tweed and Tay.
And you, our fighters in the woods of France,
Take heart and smite their enemy, the Hun,
Who knows not Arcady, by whom the dance
Of fauns is scattered, at whose deeds the sun
Hides in despair ; strike boldly and perchanca
The work will soon be done.
To you, so fighting, messengers will bring
The comfort of quiet places ; in the diu.
Of battle you shall hear the murmuring
Of the home winds and waters ; there will win
Through to your hearts the word, "Still Pan is king;
His Midsummer is in."
A Little Learning-.
"A \YOZZLEITE'S 'NEUGiiA.' — Apropos of our recent 'Turnover'
by ' A Wozzleite ' a correspondent writes : — ' Lest any ol your readers
should need a bit of hustling as regards thoir 'Humanities,' 1 may
point out that there is a pretty instance of what grammarians call
' Neugma ' in what ' A Wozzleito ' wrote about Mr. Johnson : ' The
Secretary was Mr. Johnson, our organist, who is always ready to
accompany anything, from "God Save the Kjng " to the young
ladies home from the choral class."
'Neugma' is when one meaning of a word is made to accompany
another meaning. It is a playful practice indulged in by Virgil
(Aeu vi., G80, G82, and 683), and very frequently by Thomas Hood and
Captain Basil Hood." — The Globe.
It seems to us that the correspondent and the printM
between them have rather over hustled the Humanities.
Zeugma we know, and also Syllepsis, but what ia
" Neugma" ?
PUNCH. OK THH LONDON CHAKIVAKI. .IINK 23. 1915.
THE HETURN OF ULYSSES.
\ ENI:/I:LOS has been returned at the hesd of a party commanding an overwhelming majority.]
23, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
493
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
(KXTHACTED FROM Till: DlAHY OF TOBY, M.P.)
House of Commons, Monday, 14tli oj
June. — With ordinary course of legis-
lation blocked this Session there lias
been so little work to do that House
has met only three days a week.
Arrangement highly popular with
country Memhers, who, with Monday
thrown into usual week -end recess,
are enabled to see something of their
families at home. Variation arranged
for this week. Second Beading of
Budget Bill put down for to-day. This
one of the events of a Session. On
such occasions CHANCELLOR OF Ex-
CHEQUEU is accustomed to deliver im-
portant speech leading to extended
debate. To-day Members with one
accord put aside private engagements ;
hurried down to House in anticipation
of important discussion.
Occasion chanced to find that emi-
nent traveller, COLUMBUS VASCO DA
GAMA MAGELLAN JOSEPH WALTON, Bt.
in Scotland. Had prepared elaborate
and convincing speech upon CHAN-
CELLOR OP EXCHEQUER'S financial pro-
posals. Situation embarrassed by
reason of restricted train service north
of the Tweed on the Sabbath - day.
CHINESE WALTON, as he is called for
short, not the man to be beaten by
trivial obstacle like that. By organi-
sation of motor-cars making connection
with train bound South arrived in
town early this morning.
Got down to House in good time
to secure corner-seat immediately be-
hind Treasury Bench, a favourable
position for delivery of epoch-
making speech. As soon as
Questions were over, CHANCELLOR
OK KXCHEQUER, with character-
istic modesty seated low down on
Bench, picke;! up his despatch-
box and passed on to seat opposite
hiassbound box usually occupied
by Minister in charge of current
debate.
Orders of day called on,
Si'KAKr.K recited first on list.
" Finance (No. 2) Bill ; Second
Beading."
Then a strange thing happened.
Reminiscent of historic fight
bet ween the Earl of CHATHAM and
Sir RICHARD STRAHAN. MCKENNA,
having been privily informed of
intention of Member for Barnsley
to make a speech, sat waiting
for CHINESE WALTON. CHINESE
WALTON, longing to be at him,
sat, waiting for CHANCELLOR OF
EXCHEQUER. Meanwhile the
SPEAKER, above all things a man
of business, observing that no
one rose to open debale, put
the Question, declared it carried in the
atlirmative, and the Budget Bill for
1915, involving unparalleled expendi-
ture, passed its critical stage without a
word spoken.
Lttsiness done. — Budget Bill read a
REGINALD ATLAS MCKENHA,
The Record Cash Lifter.
second time. House adjourned after
an hour's sitting.
Tuesday. — House crowded in every
part in expectation of speech from
PRIME MINISTER on moving new (the
fifth) Vote of Credit. Anticipation
more than realised on highest level.
Expecting one speech Members charmed
A MARESFIELD NEST.
DISCOVERY OF VALUABLE CATTLE AT MARESKIKLD
BY Jin. RONALD M'NEILL.
with two. Remarkable by contrast
in conception and style. The first,
evidently carefully prepared. \\lien
greeted by hearty cheer that testified
to enjoyment of full sympathy of the
House, later acknowledged — "to me a
source of strength and a stimulus to
more efficient performance of arduous
duties"— I'HEMIEU laid on box a sheaf
of notes. Frequently referred to them
during speech that did not occupy more
than lialf-an-hour. In no degree em-
barrassed by the tie. A blind man
listening would not have known that
he had provided himself with assist-
ance of notes.
The second speech, in its way quite
distinct, was necessarily delivered on
spur of moment. It arose upon brief
debate following harangue by DALZIEL,
who in absence of organised Opposition
is making close study of the Candid
Friend. PREMIER adroitly seized op-
portunity, not designedly provided, to
make two happy hits. A little diffi-
culty about appointment to Irish Lord
Chancellorship at one time threatened
rupture with Irish Nationalists. This
afternoon, JOHN DILLON, whilst reserv-
ing to his Party the right to criticise
the new Ministry on its merits, declared
they would always be controlled by
honest and sincere desire to aid it in
carrying the War to a triumphant
issue. With grateful acknowledgment
the PREMIER tactfully sealed this pledge,
" given on behalf of the Irish Party by
one who has for many years been one
of its most distinguished leaders and
spokesmen."
Another difficulty arose upon appoint-
ment of ex-General CARSON to
the Attorney-Generalship. Natu-
rally resented by Home Rulers,
of whom he was the most danger-
ous opponent. PREMIER now dis-
closed the fact that when the
post was first offered CARSON
declined it, tardily yielding to
strong pressure put upon him.
General impression that these
two speeches have effectually
dispelled cloud of dislike, dis-
played chiefly on Liberal benches,
that gathered round Coalition
Government. Its position in the
House and the country distinctly
strengthened.
The M'NEILL (not SWIFT, but
RONALD) still on the war-path,
hunting after German princes
and barons who have during
times of peace and amity pos-
sessed themselves of residential
estates in this country. Here,
for example, is Prince MUNSTER,
late of Maresfield Park, Sussex,
PARK Aide- de-Camp to the KAISER,
now at the Front assisting in
•lilt
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[.TUNE 23, 1913.
Ex-Policeman (finding Germans hiding in wood) . "Now THEN— PASS ALONG THERE, PASS ALONG!'
gassing his former hosts and neigh-
bours. M'NEILL wants to know
whether this property, with a valuable
herd of cattle in the park, is preserved
intact for the enemy owner, or whether
its conveniences and resources are being
utilized for war purposes ?
HOME SECRETARY, whose guileless
appearance, remarkable in an ex-
Attorney-General, gave added point to
his remark, said that the PUBLIC TRUS-
TEE, who is administering these things in
the national interest, informed him that
there is no such herd of valuable cattle
in the park as pictured by the fond
fancy of The M'NEiLL.
" There are," he added, " four cows
of the ordinary kind, and they are
doing their utmost for the benefit of
British subjects."
Business done. — Vote of Credit for
250 million agreed to without murmur.
Wednesday. — In debate on Vote
of Credit UNDER-SECRETARY FOR WAR
by remarkable statement added to
mystery that broods over supply of
Munitions of War. " There have," he
said, "been no cases of shortage of
high explosive bombs since February.
At present moment there is an ample
supply with ample reserve."
Business done. — Vote of Credit passed
Report Stage. Budget Bill nearly
through Committee.
House of Lords, Thursday. — Lord
NEWTON is a precious asset. Is accus-
tomed at intervals too widely separated
to enliven dull debate by sparkling
speech, the brilliancy of its flashes of
humour intensified by stony solemnity
of countenance. A sound Party man,
sure to be found in right Lobby when
division in progress, he does not hesitate
upon due occasion to gird at noble
Lords on his own side, even though
they be seated on one or other of the
Front Benches.
LANSDOWNE never openly resented
this freedom. Bided his time for mak-
ing the retort courteous. It came with
opportunity of nominating members of
liis following to a share of offices in
Coalition Government.
He made Lord NEWTON Paymaster-
General.
The little joke, excellent in concep-
tion, has its lamentable aspect, since
henceforward the candid critic, seated
on Ministerial Bench, will find him-
self tongue-tied. Pith of joke lies in
circumstance that whilst NEWTON is
dignified by name and office of Pay-
master-General, suggesting lavish distri-
bution of unlimited financial resources,
ho himself remains without a salary.
By one of the incongruities of the
British constitution the PAYMASTER-
GENERAL is himself unpaid.
Possibly in extreme development of
Communistic principles shewn in the
pooling of Ministerial salaries the for-
lorn condition of the PAYMASTKR-
GENERAL may not have -been over-
looked. If anything has been done it
is by voluntary contribution, not by
State provision.
Business done. — LLOYD GEORGE re-
appearing on Treasury Bench in new
guise as Minister of Munitions loudly
cheered from both sides. Progress in
Committee with Civil Service Votes.
Love's Captives.
" A pretty local wedding was solemnised at
Parish Church yesterday . . . Later Mr.
and Mrs. left for Cardiff en route for the
Devonshire coast. Prisoners of War."
Pembroke County Guardian.
All, of course, is fair in Love and War,
and this similarity may have led to a
confusion between them on the part of
the compositor.
Corrections to Indian Army Eegu-
lations, Medical, recently issued : —
"Para 17, page 5, lino 17, add the follow-
ing:—
An engagement is also terminated by the
marriage of a lady nurse."
This putting of an end to betrothal is
among the many regrettable effects of
wedlock.
.ICM-: 23, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR Till-: LONDON CHAIlLVAIir.
495
A BERLIN PROBLEM.
Wife. "OTTO, WHKRK ABE WE GOING FOB ouu HOLIDAYS THIS SUMMER?"
Otto. " WELL — KB — THERE 's TCIIKF.Y."
AT THE FRONT.
iT is hard for the most insensible of
inen to look on at this war unmoved
for long. Wo have looked on at it for
months and months and months from
a haunt of ancient peace known for
some obscure antiquarian reason as a
thing line ; and now we are to be
moved ; to-morrow, or the next day,
or, to sum up all the possibilities in
the word of the historic despatch,
"shortly." Indeed, the Sergeant- Major
oven now approaching with his in-
(lestruetiblo smile may bear the details
that we are to follow. The Sergeant-
Major is a groat man for a detail.
Nothing escapes him. Three weeks
ago maasles stole into our midst like
thieves in the night. The S.-M. had
Uiem before you could say "Bosch."
Pending the push - oft', we anti-
a^iliyxiato ourselves. There used to
1> • .-.nine doubt among N.C.O.'s super-
vising as to whether the impedimenta
supplied for that end wore inspirators
or pcrspirators. Eventually they com-
promised on "gas-bags." Only nine
patterns have so far been issued, but
the more cautious of us wear all these
simultaneously, so if Nos. 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9
fail, '2, 4, (> and 8 may prove efficacious.
Preparations for the trek are in train.
Each Platoon Commander — in view of
the fact that men who have lived nine
months in ditches may have mislaid
the use of their feet — has written out
slips permitting No. 000 Private Blank
to fall out and report at Dash with
all possible expedition. Now our
Mr. Mactavish is a very thorough
officer, and he was determined that no
one was going to catch him out through
his having too few of these backsliding
permits. But when I found him en-
gaged on the sixty-fourth, the strength
of his platoon being forty-seven, I felt
compelled to demand some explanation.
He seems to have assumed that some
men might fall out twice. To me, the
assumption that men whose feat have
given way will pick up a taxi some-
where and overhaul you just for the
pleasure of falling out again, appeared
rash.
Since the foregoing was indelibled,
we have walked a great walk — seven
leagues, no less. At intervals, we
bivouac in odd bits of Europe that
happen to be unoccupied when we
stumble on them. Some are crowded
with horrible dangers. Never shall I
forget seeing Private Packer wake up
from his afternoon sleep to find him-
self practically in the act of being
bitten by a ferocious cow. Springing!
up with a loud cry, he threw the
officers' kettle at the savage ruminant ; '
whereas by all the best traditions
he should have continued to smile.
Fortunately the cow (like President
WILSON) was too proud to tight.
The trek has been a great disappoint-
ment to those who were looking forward
to writing home brave accounts of
" how I marched forty miles on a
biscuit and a cough-lozenge ? " When
we got to our first bivouac three of us
had just made a frugal meal of malted
milk tablets and melted barley sugar
when the Mess - Sergeant loomed up
with the news that lunch was served.
My appetite was so impoverished by
previous indulgence that I gave up
after the third course. But the coffee
and cigars were admirable.
We are now billeted in a wood. The
billets make excellent fuel, and there are
no wild animals except beetles, which,
though large and highly coloured, ap-
pear quite pacific. The glow-worms
glow of an evening and help out the
embers of the moribund fires, which
are strictly doomed to die with the
daylight. Round these embers Mr.
Atkins stands in groups and renders
with every variety of modulation and
idiosyncracy, but with united cheerful-
ness, his famous patriotic number, "I
want to go home." The stars are in
their heaven and Mr. Atkins is not
downhearted.
496
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JUNE 23, 1915.
AT THE PLAY.
"TiiE GREEN FLAG."
IP one is permitted to judge of a
iinin by the kind of woman lie attracts
the character of Lord Milcerdalc (01
I'etfr, for short) is an interesting
enigma. For some reason best known
to himself (like most of the obscurities
in a play it happened before the curtain
rose) lie had married a rich and spite-
ful vulgarian. On the other hand,
for his second love he had selected in
Janet Gricrson a woman of exceptional
sweetness and refinement. The domes-
tie complications which followed upon
the discovery of this diversion of his
affections compelled him to withdraw
to America, and it was from there that
he wrote to Janet, inviting her (with
cable-form enclosed) to join him by the
next liner. Naturally one was intrigued
about the personality of a man for
whose heart there was competition
between two such opposite types, and
it was very regrettable that a respect
for the dramatic unities prevented
Mr. KEBLE HOWARD from gratifying
our curiosity by letting Peter appear
on the stage.
In his unavoidable absence, Lady
Milverdalc relentlessly pursued her
husband's lover, and would have been
well content to break up the happy
home of another couple — Sir Hugh
and Lady Brandreth, friends of both
parties — if by sowing unwarrantable
suspicions against her rival she could
have got her revenge. You will
gather that our sympathies were not
encouraged to take the side of morality,
and that the injured woman had no
chance with us as against the disturber
of her peace. But Mr. ARTHUR Boun-
CHIER would never have lent himself
to the defeat of virtue in however
repellent a guise, and in the person
of Sir Hugh Brandreth, K.C., after
using his forensic gifts to dissradi
Janet from joining her lover, he succeeds
in finding a passable solution of things,
though he never exactly readjusts our
disordered emotions.
The degeneration of comedy into
farce is a frequent subject of critical
attack ; but here it was the farcical
element that revived us. The First
Act had gone rather tamely, and in the
opening of the Second some of us only
listened to Mr. BOURCHIER'S sound
homilies on the after-effects of lawless
lopement with the respectful toleration
due to the accepted generalities of
common experience. It was then that
lie arrival of Lady Mihcrdalc in Bran-
drcth's chambers, hot on the track of
Janet, gave opportunities for a game
of hide-and-seek, in which, after some
diverting acrobacy, the huntress is
tracked down by her quarry. And so
the play was saved.
It was a charming irony that assigned
to Miss LILIAN BRAITHWAITE, of all
SAPPING THE GARDEN OF EDEN.
Lady Milverdale , Miss CONSTANCE COLLIER.
Lady Brandrcth . Miss KYBLE BELLEW.
unlikely people, the part of serpent in
he original Paradise of the Milverdales.
For myself I made no attempt to be-
"ieve that a wrong thought could ever
A MIDSUMMER DAY'S DREAM.
Jr. BOUBCHIER (Sir Hugh Brandreth) in full
peace-paint.
iave found accommodation in her nice
lead. To hear her urging, with that
gentle voice of hers, the desirability of
n-eaking the seventh commandment
was to listen to an innocent child
pleading for the right to play with its
favourite toy. The fact — deplorable, if
you like — is that Miss BRAITHWAITE
was never meant to be anything but
her charming self, though within those
limits her moods can vary all right, as
in the startling change by which she
totally forgets her tragedy in the sudden
joy of scoring off the other woman.
This thankless part was played with
sacrificial devotion by Miss CONSTANCE
COLLIER, who to the odious qualities of
a scandalmonger was asked to add the
ridiculous affectation of a woman who
had climbed into a world to which she
did not belong. Her ignorance of the
proprieties went so far that she called
at her husband's club for his letters ;
and the strange thing was that the
hall-porter obliged her. At which of
Mr. KEBLE HOWARD'S fashionable clubs
is this kind of outrage permitted ?
Mr. BOUUCHIER was excellent in the
little that he had to do; but it was almost
tod easy for him. As for Miss KYRLE
BELLEW, who played Lady Brandreth,
her angularity will wear off with time
and teaching ; but she must try to
dress for the part she plays, having no
need to advertise her native piquancy.
Miss BARBARA GOTT, as a garrulous
housekeeper, kept the First Act alive,
and Miss MAY WHITTY, as a mother
and an afterthought, was useful in the
Third Act, to which her natural ease
of manner brought a refreshing air of
probability.
The title of the play, The Green Flag,
had nothing to do with the Nationalists,
and. implied no competition with the
Union Jack. It was a symbol taken
from the railway, and was waved by
the K.C. as a caution to Janet.
Mr. KEBLE HOWARD has not com-
mitted a masterpiece. His titled people
smack a little of that Suburbia in which
lie has specialised. But the play should
have a decent run for the sake of the
Farcical business of the Second Act.
O. S.
P.S. — I regret that in a recent
notice of Armageddon I did Mr. MARTIN
HARVEY an injustice in attributing to
:iim the unfortunate change in the
Bcene where Joan of Arc was made to
address the English general, and not,
as in the original text, the French
jeneral. Mr. STEPHEN PHILLIPS writes
o inform me that he himself suggested
his alteration during rehearsal.
" MR. AND MRS. PONSONBY."
" Surely, you would not let your
wife come between us!" says the
ovely but naughty Mrs. Chesterton to
ihe infatuated Jim Ponsonby in Mr.
WALTER HACKETT'S new farcical
comedy. The remark is typical of the
JUNE 23, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAI!!.
497
spirit of Uio play. There are only
seven characters, and six of them art
at one l.iino or another engaged in
pronounced flirtations with somrhr :<l\
spouse. I wonder if Wiltitinis
tlio Ponsonbyif solemn - faced butler
(Mr. KnwAnn DUGQIK), was able to
keep truck of the amorous pennuta
t'ons and combinations in which bii
muslcr and mis'ross were involved it
i IK' course of three Acts. My own
recollections of the plot are somewhat
ha/y — perhaps because I laughed so
much hut I renieinher that .Inn !'<•,/-
mml'i/, in order to find time to make
love to ,1/V.s. Chesterton, accused his
wife of flirting with Dick Trevor; and
that Mrs. Ji»i, though quite innocent
of any such intention, was gradually
converted to a belief that she was really
in love with Dick. The principal agent
in this conversion was her disreputable
papa, 1 1 n ratio Billington, who assured
her that " the Billingtons are all like
that," and proceeded to illustrate the
family failing by inviting Mrs. Chester
ton to a t&le-d-tcle supper. On his
advice, too, Jim, in order to arouse his
wife's jealousy and so to recover her
affections, makes violent love to Mrs.
Trmor. That brings Dick to his bear-
ings, and eventually leads to a restora-
tion of the status quo all round.
Played by an inferior company I can
imagine this kaleidoscopic study in con-
jugal frailty being absurd and unpleas-
ant. Handled as it is by theaccomplished
performers at the Comedy Theatre it is
wholly unobjectionable, and goes with
unchecked brightness and zest. As the
husband-lovers — the one a mixture of
priggishness and excitability, the other
by turns forward and lethargic— Mr.
KENNETH DOUGLAS and Mr. SAM
SOTHEHN are well suited; while Mr.
KUKD KEKB plays the elderly roue with
easy certainty. Miss LYDIA BILBKOOKE
looks very handsome as the fascinating
Mrs. Chesterton. The chief burden of
the piece falls on the plump shoulders
of Miss MARION LOBNE, who sustains
t admirably as Mrs. Ponsonby. A
Blight American accent gave additional
pbmt to her lines, while her varied
facial expression would make her
fortune as a film-actress. L.
The 500th performance of that de-
lightful play, Potash and PcrlmiMcr,
the Queen's Theatre on the 24th,
1 be a matinee, of which the entire
receipts are to be devoted to the funds
the Blinded Soldiers' and Sailors'
Hostel, St. Dunstan's, Regent's Park.
"The Hand that Rocks the Cradle."
"I" Bangalore one 6 H. P. A. G. Sociable
T, in good order till lately driven by a
'••l" The Madras 3Iail.
"I DON'T 'OLD WITH THIS 'ERE VACCINATION, MRS. GREEN. WHAT'S VACCINATION
DONE FOB MY LITTLE TOMMY? SlNCE I *AD 'iM DONE 'E *S 'AD WHOOPING-COUGH
CHICKEN-POX, MEASLES— IN PACT, EVERYTHINK BUT SMALL-POX 1 "
THE KHAKI WEDDING.
THE bride would capture every heart
At wedding routs, when peace was
rifer ;
The bridegroom played a thanklesspart,
He seemed the merest cipher ;
But khaki 's now the only cry
Where once the lady filled the eye.
Eclipsed, she flaunts no gorgeous dress,
No costly veil, no sheath of lilies,
No orange blossoms, less and less
. Of silk and satin " frillies " ;
She dresses on a modest plan
To leave him every chance she can.
Tis well : the lack of fine array
Best fits a sacrificial altar ;
Her man to-morrow joins the fray,
And yet she does not falter ;
Simple her gown, but still we see
The bride in all her bravery.
" Situation Housekeeper or good Plain Cook,
age 43; good reference ; now disengaged."
Portsmouth Evening News.
Nothing doing. So few people want a
menial who keeps mice.
" Mr. Milton Rosmer . . . has also had
hopes of reviving 'She Stoops to Conquer,'
but it is as difficult to play Sheridan in i.
theatre as it is to play Mozart in an open
house, such very special art being required."
Pall Mall Gazette.
But why turn down GOLDSMITH?
'.' Mohamed Khali), who is incarcerated in
the prison of the Native Court of Appeal, is
reported to be viewing things in a spirit of stoic
bravado. He asked for a barber yesterday
morning while ho has sent out to purchase
bootlaces and a collar stud."
- . Tlie Sudan Herald.
Ah, but wait until the collar-stud rolls
under the chest-of-drawers. That will
take the bravado out of him.
498
ruNcir, on TIIK LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JUNE 23, 1915.
THE ENCOUNTER.
THIS is not my *lory. It was related to mo by Hattersley,
who is a dog-owner and a dog-etevator. That is to say,
he elevates dogs to a superhuman position, which, in my
opinion, they arc not qualified to occupy. I 'in all for dogs,
so long as they arc kept in their proper places, in a kennel
di a stable or something of that kind ; but Hattersley has
them everywhere — on beds and chairs and sofa-;. He
spends part of his time in teaching them elementary tricks
with biscuits or lumps of sugar, and takes up the rest by
giving long accounts of their extraordinary sagacity in
detecting character. Dogs and children, ho says, are like
that. They always know in one sniff who likes them and
take their measures accordingly. However, I didn't mean
to set out all Hattersley's theories on dogs, but to let him
tell one of his dog stories. When you've heard it you'll
know svhat kind of man he is. So here goes, in Hattersley's
words as nearly as I can remember them : —
"There's only one weak point," said Hattersley, "about
dogs, and that is their insistence on being taken for walks.
You can't fob them off with a stroll in the garden. If you
try, they lie down and refuse to follow you and display no
interest whatever in your proceedings. They will go out-
side the grounds. I can't take my pack of three Pekinese
and one Great Dane out on our country roads on account
of the Dane's capacity for sudden pouncing on other dogs.
He means no harm, poor beast, but he disconcerts and
angers other dog-owners, especially ladies, and if the other
dogs resent bis pounces he naturally fights. It is a point
of honour with him. Besides, the Pekinese either stroll
defiantly along the crown of the road, thus interrupting all
traffic and giving occasion for violent language from motor-
cars, or they push their investigation into the nature of
grass-tufts to such a point of prolonged particularity that
they get left far behind and have to be retrieved and carried
after shouts and whistles have been spent on them in vain.
These things being so, I have, in the matter of dog- walks,
concentrated on a path along the bank of a river, where
there is no traffic of wheels, amd where on most days other
pedestrians and other dogs are so few as to be scarcely
noticeable. Here I exercised my dogs until I came to have
a sense of private ownership over this particular walk.
" So things went on quite comfortably for some time.
But one morning I chanced to walk along my sacred path
meditating I know not what trifles and entirely absorbed in
them. The Pekinese were following their own devices.
The Dane was pacing by my side, and my hand was
fortunately on his collar, when I felt a sudden' tension and
looked up. A hundred yards away, but coming towards
me, my startled eyes beheld a tall military-looking lady
conducting, at the end of a strong lead, a massive and
monstrous bulldog. At the same moment she saw me and
we both stopped. I failed to restrain the Pekinese ; they
made a combined rush and were all round the advancing
bulldog in a moment. He did not seem to be aware of
their existence, but with eyes glaring fearfully and with
foaming mouth he was straining at his lead in a violent
endeavour to get at Hamlet, who, on his side, seemed to be
consumed with an equal fury. I must mention that
Hamlet has a special distaste for bulldogs. In early life,
before he came to me, he had lived on intimate terms
with a dog of that breed. He consoled himself for that
temporary friendship by trying to massacre every bull-
dog he met. The situation was serious, for we were on a
narrow path which at this point was bounded on one side
by the river, on the other bv a row of willows and a wide
ditch.
" ' This,' shouted the lady, ' h terrible.'
" 'It is,' I said, 'highly inconvenient.'
" ' My dog,' she said, ' is most good-natured with little dogs,
hut he always Hies at big dogs, and he can't bear Danes."
" ' Hamlet,' I said, ' is just like that. He detests
bulldogs.'
"'Il you wouldn't mind going into the ditch,' sho said,
' we might get past.'
"I feel that the situation is worthy of one of Mr. BF.r.r.oc's
battle-plans ; but I have no skill in these, and must ask you
t'i imagine the features of the ground and the movements
of two commanders whose ardent desire was not to collide
but to avoid one another. Both of us were all but tugged
over, but at length we accomplished our manoeuvres and
got past, and after reciprocal apologies we were able to
resume our walks, the Pekinese being with immense
difficulty persuaded to abandon their new playfellow.
" We met again on the following two mornings, but in a
more open patch of country, where the lady was able to
fetch a wide circuit in a meadow. She cowered down in the
grass three hundred yards away until the danger was over;
but the Pekinese of course tracked her down and seemed
determined to plunge down the throat of her animated
canine gargoyle. Obviously this sort of thing couldn't go
on. On the fourth morning we met again on the confined
path. This time Hamlet gave a wrench, the bulldog made
a bound, and in a lightning-Hash the two were rushing at
one another's throats. The lady averted her eyes, 1 held
my breath, and in anticipation I beheld. us collecting the
tattered remnants of what had once been dogs. Crash !
They met ; but, instead of setting to work to devour one
another, they began to gambol round, to yap with pleasure,
to pursue one another in short circles and altogether to
give the liveliest signs of joy. The relief was extraordinary.
The apprehensive lady raised her head. 'They must have
known one another,' she said ; and indeed it was so. We
discovered that these were the very two dogs who had
spent their childhood together. They had known it all the
time, and had strained and panted for reunion while we
strove to keep them apait. I assure you dogs are better.
and more intelligent than men. After that we could meet
without fear."
That is Hattersley's story. For my own part I don't
quite see why he makes such a point of it. What strikes
me is this,- that Hattersley, who has known dogs all his life,
thought they were purple with passion, when as a matter
of fact they were wild with joy.
IN A GOOD CAUSE.
THE Italian Blue Cross Fund of the Eome Society for
the Protection of Animals is in great need of funds for the
establishment of hospitals for horses wounded in the War,
for the provision of veterinary surgeons and the supply
of ambulances and drugs. This is the first appeal that
Mr. Punch has made for our new Allies, and he hopes
that some of his readers will kindly send gifts in aid to
Mrs. GRAHAM-HARBISON, 36, Sloane Gardens, S.W.
"Sociable young fellow required to go half-shares in season's
expenses in fully equipped river camp, age about 25 to 30, good thing
for someone suitable." — Advt. in "Daily Mail."
There are several other camps ready to welcome sociable
young fellows of this age ; " good thing for someone suitable."
Alone they did it.
Extract from Battalion Orders, Tipperary, June 17th : —
"To-morrow being the Centenary of the Battle of Waterloo, in
which the R. Innis. Furs, was the only Regiment that took part, the
afternoon will be observed as a half-holiday by the Brigade."
,Ii M: 23,
IM.'NCH, OR TlirO LONDON ( 'IIAI!l VAKF.
4!)!)
Keiyeant (to recruit wandering about at tlie will of his /torse), " 'KiiE, voo 1
L1KK A GKNKBAL?"
WHAT AKE you DOUJ' IHKBE, BIDLS' OP AS' Down
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)
IN The Said of tlit. War (HEIXEMANN) Mr. PHILIP GIBBS
writes with that sympathy, perception and distinction
which by diligent use of his deft and careful pen he has
trained us to expect. He is at his worst in such passages
as " I went out to aid them but did not like the psychology
of this street, where death was teasing the footsteps of men,
yapping at their heels." Red, whether of flags or trousers,
is never mere red to him, hut always " blood-red." And lie
lets himself be decoyed into patches of irrelevant purple —
t iresome snares of his trade. " Heavens ! " you seem to hear
him say, " if this agony of war, this tragic blend of heroism
and bestial savagery is not to move a man to eloquence will
anything ever on God's earth?" And yet despite this
reasonable plea it remains true that he is at his best where
most direct and artless, and that there is some faint lapse
from taste in fine writing about such infinitely poignant
realities. That said, one can praise unreservedly both the
mailer and spirit of this hook. And indeed both make such
criticism seem rather too frigidly academic. Mr. GIBBS
does not write as the complacent journalist reporting unique
" stories." He gives both sides of his picture, the expected
and t he other : the courage and resource of men and the high
glory of battle;, the nausea and despairing depression, the
occasional failure of the shattered spirit, the insurgent
brutality, the haunting perplexity that shadows even the
stoutest and most inspiring patriotism — "Why kill — or be
killed by — men against whom I have (or had) no possible
quarrel '.' Passionately he wants us others never to let
'Iroadfully futile things happen again, and invites us
to share the blame for a system which makes it possible.
And this without assuming that there is anything else to
be done now but bring a. murderous group to justice, or with-
out failing to recognise that to have yielded to the menaces
of their power and insolence would have been a worse
thing for the world than even the horrors it has found.
It is not a book for the faint-hearted or the empty-headed
— if there be any such left. The others should read it for
its truth, its sincerity and the candour of its criticism.
If, as I suspect, Hyssop (CONSTABLE) is a first novel, it
contains ample promise to make me expect considerable
things from Mr. M. T. H. SADLER in the future. I say
this because, while the present volume is agreeable enough
— though the plot, which only develops in the final chapters,
is grim and hardly for everybody's reading — it is obvious
that the author is as yet by no means fully master of his
art. As with many young writers, his power of observation
has somewhat intoxicated him ; detail, he has yet to learn,
is for the novelist a good servant that can easily become
a tyrant. For example, Mr. SADLEB has remembered and
recorded practically everything about the life of- a modern
Oxford undergraduate ; but though the result is a wonder-
fully faithful presentation, it might well provoke impatience
in those who have no personal associations to help the
interest of the picture. It is too like a bound volume of
The Isis. Through four-fifths of the book he records
minutely the characters and trivial actions of Philip
Murray and his undergraduate friends in order to prepare
the effect of the one big event at the end. Occasionally,
circumstance has given to some of this detail an unexpectedly
poignant value. I found myself arrested, for example, by
500
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JUNE 23, 1915.
the skill with which a foreign railway station at night had
been caught, with ''the whistle of the pneumatic breaks"
as the express conies to halt above the low platforms ; one
of the sounds that seem to echo now out of the happy
unrecoverable years. Occasionally the detail is simply
superfluous. "Philip left his hat and stick in the white
panelled hall, denied the necessity of washing his hands
immediately, and followed Laddie . . . into the garden."
That is what I mean by hinting that when Mr. SADLER
discovers what to leave out we shall all be the better for it.
In these days of massive trilogies, when your novelist
demands at least four hundred pages in which to bring his
hero's career up to the point where he is informed by his
private-school master that he has passed the entrance ex-
amination for Harrow, it is a refreshing change to come
seeks consolation with a fellow-artist and friend of ten
years' standing, wliile liosamund, after the divorce pro-
ceedings, returns to England and marries Philip, and is
now being thoroughly bored by that excellent but limited
young man. Miss BOTTOME has all the talents. She draws
characters that step out of the pages and walk before one ;
she establishes atmosphere with an economy of words
almost miraculous in these long-winded days ; and she
contrives, without straining for epigram, to insert in every
chapter phrase after phrase worthy of the reviewer's best
compliment — the pencil-mark in the margin.
When 1 found myself confronted with a volume of very
short stories over the signature of " GEORGE A. BIHMING-
HAM " I was at first inclined to suspect that the limitations
of such a medium would not allow scope for the exercise
IS THESE DAYS A TBEATY, BEING ONLY WJJITTB^
ON PAPEB, IS EASILY DEALT WITH.
BUT IT WAS A MORE TBOUBLESOME MATTEE IN THE TIMES OF BBONZE TABLETS.
across a book like The Captive (CHAPMAN AND HALL), open-
ing in the middle of the story with an almost cinema-like
abruptness. Miss PHYLLIS BOTTOMS is no believer in
the leisurely type of novel. The story snatches you up
i and whirls you along, and you have no more chance of
getting out of it than if you were in Niagara Eapids. Miss
BOTTOME has hit on an ultra-modern problem as the basis
of her latest story : what is to be done with the woman
who is sufficiently advanced to be bored with the sheltered
life yet too conventional to fit comfortably into the life that
is broader and more vivid? This ,is the fate of Rosamund
Beaumont, who flies from the conventional, as represented
by Philip Strangeways, to the unconventional, in the person
of Pat O'Malley, the impecunious artist of Borne. There
was that in her which prevented her settling down "in
endless English comfort, by county folks caressed"; but
on the other hand, she did wish Pat would dress for dinner,'
and, while she made no real objection to his friends, she
•' only wanted to know who people were, and if they must
have them running in and out at all hours, as if they kept
a station wailing, room." In the end Pat very naturally
of that delightful author's special and peculiar gift. You
know what I mean. That involving of the reader in a maze
of absurd but severely logical intrigue that keeps him
breathlessly pursuing laughter through chapter after chap-
ter. In a sense I was both right and wrong, chiefly the
latter. Though there are some stories in Minnies liislwp
(HODDEH AND STOUGHTON) that practically anybody else
could have written, there are also others' that show Mr.'
" BIHMINGHAM " at his best. Especially would I wish to
record my delight in three quite exquisite little sketches of
character — "Onnie Dever," the story of a barefoot fisher-girl
who became the leading lady in an American dress empor-
ium ; " Bedclothes," which tells how a curate, smothered
in conventionalities, obtained relief; and one other, a thing
of the tenderest and most delicate art, which I will leave
you to identify for yourself. A word of warning : do not.
he put off by the fact that for some obscure reason the
author has chosen to name his volume after a story that,
though it comes first, is a long way the feeblest in the col-
lection. There are others that for wjt and wisdom in a
little room will make ample amends.
JCNI: 30, 1915.]
PUNCH, Oil THK LONDON CHARIVARI.
601
\
FLAG DAY. THE PATRIOT'S PROGRESS.
CHARIVARIA.
THE Tagliche Rundschau s message
to the KAISKB is, " Harden your heart ! "
More reinforced concrete ?
The Archduke EUGENE of Austria
has assured his officers that they will
spend Christinas in Venice and Milan.
As a matter of fact, we understand,
they will he sent further south.
* •-:-•
Extract from an article in The
F.ijijjitian Mail describing the ceremony
of Selamlik in Constantinople under the
present Sultan : — " My last recollections
of a Selamlik go back to the times of
AHDUL HAMID. How the scene has
lost in splendour! Instead of the
brilliant mass of gorgeously uninformed
infantry and cavalry, a few hundred
soldiers in khaki. . . ." Still, less
goi-geousness and more information
probably mean an increase in efficiency.
• *
The CHIEF KABBI has announced his
intention of going to France to visit
.It-wish soldiers serving there. He is
also said to be anxious to investigate
the report circulated by a misprinter
that the men in the trenches burrow
like rabbis. ^ .,,
*'
A systematic study of the cracks in
the buildings of the Tower of London is
to be undertaken weekly for a period of
twelve months, at the suggestion of the
principal architect in charge of the
.Royal Palaces. It speaks well for the
moral regeneration of our criminal
classes in these days that several of our
leading cracksmen are said to have
offered their services for the good work.
* *
Mouth-organs have so often made
life impossible that we were glad to
read last week that one had saved the
life of a Canadian at the Front.
" Now," says Mr. HILAIRE BELLOC,
" we know pretty accurately what the
enemy's reserves of men are — at least
of men at all useful for his purpose,
and excluding the boys and middle-
aged people whom popular journalism
summons up to swell his figures."
Our experience of the average middle-
aged German is that he swells his own
figure. ,.: ,,
In a paragraph on the opening of the
general angling season a contemporary
reports, " Big barbel are jumping freely
in the Thames." It is really very silly
of these fish to be so nervy seeing that
no enemy submarine has yet penetrated
the river. Their confreres in the high
seas must be greatly tickled.
A German machine gun and a trench
mortar captured in France have been
buried by the Army Council in the
Museum of the Boyal United Service
Institution. ,,. %
An interesting result of the rumour
that the sale of lamb and veal is to be
prohibited has been noticed by observ-
ant persons. Staid old sheep have
been seen frisking about and cutting
the most absurd capers, while elderly
cows have been observed nuzzling yet
older ones, in the hope that the butcher
will not realise that they have grown up.
New Light on Magna Carta.
" Few people in Egham, no doubt, thought
of Tuesday, Juno 15th, as the 700th anni-
versary of the signing of Magna Charta on the
island of ' Buningmede,' between Windsor and
Staines, which is in the parish of Egham.
Many of us, however, have a notion of what
that Charter meant to England and our fore-
fathers, and it is well to remember the day.
Seven hundred years ago one of the fickle
Stewarts was met by that bold band of
Barons.
Imagine the scene : King Charles is handed
the document, and in the language of the day,
politely but gently was he impressed with the
need for such a Charter and advised probably
that it would be all the better for his health if
he signed it." — Surrey Herald.
It was on this occasion that KINO
CHARLES, the well - known " Stewart,"
remarked (as recorded by SHAKSPEABE) :
After my death I wish no other herald,
No other speaker of my living actions
To keep my honour from corruption
Than such an honest chronicler.
" The Germans are now turning their atten-
tion to T.N.A. — tetra-nitro-aniline — an even
more powerful explosive than the famous
T.N.T. It is hinted, however, that we are
not behindhand in regard to this point.
GET A BOX TO-DAY."
Yorkshire Evening Post.
This advice is not only dangerous but,
in view of the needs of our soldiers at
the Front, most unpatriotic, and should
be unhesitatingly rejected.
Motto for Mr. D. A. THOMAS, who is
to be sent to the U.S. and Canada to
discuss the question of munition con-
tracts on the spot: — Bis D.A.T. qui
cito D.A.T.
VOL. CXLV1II.
5C2
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JUNE 30, 1915.
TO ONE WHO TAKES HIS EASE.
LOOK in your heart 1 make inquisition there
Of sen-ice done in this supreme of hours—
What sacrifice for England's sake you bear,
To what high use or humble put your powers !
If, pleading local duty's louder call
Or weight of years that checks the soaring wing
You are excused the dearest gift of all,
What of the next best thing ?
No doubt the War has touched you— that we guess
And so have some of your importunate friends ;
From time to time you post them, when they press
A little cheque for charitable ends ;
You have reduced your tribute to the hunt,
Declined to bring the family to Town,
Discharged your second footman to the Front
And shut a tweeny down.
Hearing that each is bound to do his bit
• In that estate where he is set by Heaven,
You trouble less about your trousers' fit,
And eat six courses in the place of seven ;
Upon your pint of champagne still you count,
But later drinks you temperately dock
(Because at clubs the alcoholic fount
Closes at ten o'clock).
A hundred needs cry out to such as you
For willing labour — watches of the night,
Shells to be filled, a turn of work to do
That sets a good man free to go and fight ;
But ta^ks like these entail a lack of rest ;
They put a strain on people's arms and backs ;
And you've enough to bear with rents depressed
And all that super-tax.
Well, if you 're satisfied, then all is said ;
If, sheltered close and snug, you shirk the blast,
Immune in idleness of hand and head,
False to your cause, disloyal to your caste,
When gallant men from yonder hell of flame
Come back awhile to heal the wounds of war,
And find you thus, you'll hear no word of blame,
But they will think the more. 0. S.
UNWRITTEN LETTERS TO THE KAISER.
No. XXIV.
(From the German Ambassador at Washington, D.C., U.S.A.)
ALL-HIGHEST MAJESTY,— I have carried out to the best
of my ability the commands conveyed to me by VON JAGOW
and BETHMANN-HOLLWEG, which I have treated as coming
from the most serene and in-the-topmost-degree infallible
mouth of my most gracious Emperor himself, and I am
grieved to report that the result so far has been nothing of
the smallest value to the German cause. This is the more
regrettable because I have spent an infinity of labour in
counteracting the designs of the malevolent and in repre-
senting the acts and opinions of your Majesty in the best
light that circumstances would permit. In these cir-
cumstances I include DERNBUEQ, who is now happily
removed from this country. He was, if I may venture
to say so, a sore trial to me during his stay here, and I
cannot rejoice sufficiently over his departure, tardy though
it was.
I .must tell you quite frankly that the sinking of the
Lusitania, from which we all hoped so much, has not
hitherto produced the anticipated results. Indeed, the
American people, as you may judge from the newspapers
which I send herewith for your Majesty's inspection, have
shown and are still showing a most unreasonable and
obstinate anger on the subject. The stories I have put
about as to the ship's being armed they openly say they do
not believe, and thus they make an unforgivable imputation
against my good faith (which does not, of course, matter)
and against the veracity of your most transparent Majesty,
which is acknowledged by all Germans to be beyond
reproach. Mr. WILSON, the President, has spoken to me on
this matter with inexplicable feeling. " We cannot admit,"
he said, " that Germany has the right to destroy American
citizens engaged in their lawful business, but we go further
and declare that this atrocious act is against the laws of
humanity, which even Germany is bound to respect." That
was disagreeable, and I was compelled to use the utmost tact
in continuing the conversation. I reminded the PRESIDENT
that there were many American citizens of German race,
who, in case of a difference between Germany and the
United States, would undoubtedly range themselves on the
side of Germany ; but the PRESIDENT calmly replied that this
remark showed that I had not properly understood the
sentiments of American citizens, no matter what their race
might be. "They are," he said, "American citizens first
and all the time. Why," he continued, "you have only to
consult the newspapers or attend gatherings of citizens to
realise that those who are called German-Americans are at
this moment tumbling over one another with the most
genuine protestations of unswerving loyalty and devotion to
America. If you build on these, and believe they will
support the lawless acts of your Government, I can only
assure you that you are profoundly mistaken." Somehow
felt that it was just possible that he was right in his
estimate. It would be a melancholy disappointment to us,
and I think with sorrow of all the money we have spent to
such small purpose.
In the course of further conversation I happened to allude
jocosely to the use of asphyxiating gas by our ever-victorious
army, but the PRESIDENT took me up very sternly and said
this was no laughing matter, but a shocking example of
inhuman cruelty. I ventured to contest this opinion,
declaring that death by such means was really in itself
quite pleasant, whereupon Mr. WILSON asked me if I was
anxious to choose it for myself and what would be the
inscription on the tombstone. "You remind me," he said,
"of the man who left directions in his will as to the disposal
of his body in case he survived his own decease." What
is one to do with such a man, who cannot appreciate the
value to humanity of the epoch-making inventions of Ger-
man chemistry ? Our interview then ended, and I cannot
say that it left me satisfied with the present attitude of
the American Government and the American people. They
are a stiff-necked lot, and are, no doubt, jealous of the
triumphs of Germany in peace and war. At any rate, I
cannot but feel that my stay here is not so useful as \ve
had hoped ; but it is no fault of mine. If people will mis-
trust your Majesty's intentions and show a malignant
disposition, how is an Ambassador to deal with them '.'
Yours in all lowliness, VON BEKNSTOBFP.
Age-Limit Again Extended.
"The Gordon Highlanders. — 500 Men Wanted immediately.
Duration of War. Age 19-400."— South Wales Echo.
" They had no use for compulsion or conscription. They would
never bow their necks to the yolk of coercion." — Daily News.
Not even if the shell burst close to them ?
PUNCH, Oil TIIK LONDON CHARIVARI. J..NK :i().
IN THE EASTERN ARENA.
[It was the policy of the retiarius to retreat in order to gather his net together for a fresh cast.]
5C4
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JUNE 30, 1915.
THE WATCH DOGS.
XXII.
MY DEAR CHARLES, — Five clays'
for Henry. O beauteous prospect !
Five whole days and nights of liberty
and indiscipline, England and no ruins !
Five fours are twenty, five twos are
ten and two 's twelve : a hundred-and-
twenty glorious hours of crowded life
with never a "Stand to arms!"
Nobody shall inspect me or anything
that is mine ; I will inspect nobody
and nothing. There shall be no barbed
wire, no bully-beef tins anywhere. All
around me shall be peaceful, refined,
decadent, effeminate ; silk socks, for
instance, possibly of the mauve kind ;
the green squash hat, the patent leather
shoe, even the umbrella. Shall I con-
tinue to carry all I possess upon my
aching back ? No ; a taxicab shall carry
me ; and a messenger boy, following at
a respectful distance, shall carry my
gloves and evening paper. I will spend
many of those precious hours watching
real hot water gush out of a real tap,
and I 've a good mind to shave off my
moustache for the time being.
There shall be no order or method in
my comings and goings ; I will saunter,
possibly even slouch. Fair English
women shall adorn the thoroughfares
along which I pass ; no coarse male
hands shall _ tamper with my food ;
enamel ware and large grimy hands
shall disappear ; I will revel in white
tablecloths, clean napkins, bright silver;
in coffee and correspondence served
on trays. " Spotless evening dress " and
real beds shall reassert themselves in
my life. The rising and setting of the
sun shall be no concern of mine ; at the
former I will be sleeping, at the latter
dining. I will be no man's master and
no man shall be mine ; my afternoon I
will spend in the drawing-rooms of
Mayfair, drinking delicate tea from
frail china cups (with saucers to them,
ye gods !) gossiping scandalously, or
trifling flippantly with things that don't
matter. I will wash me a hundred
times a day; the Turkish Bath shall be
my second home ; sardines and all
other things that inhabit tins shall
be taboo ; milk shall come straight
from the cow and no Swiss middleman
shall have had a hand in it ; light in
any degree required shall be had for the
mere pressing of a button, and break-
fast shall be at a reasonable hour.
Upon consideration, all other pro-
grammes are a wash-out ; I will do
nothing all the time.
Such are the orders I have issued to
myself during this, the last tour in the
trenches, before I go. My leave is in
my pocket ; my very ticket is in my
cigarette-case. Life, these last days,
has been one whirl of gay anticipation ;
I wait here for the relief to come. For
the fourth time in four days the sun
has returned to his accustomed west.
"Lucky beggar," say I, a fellow-feel-
ing making me wondrous kind.
In the telephone dug-out sits the
signaller, quarreling with his confrere
at the other end of the line, and repeat-
ing undeterred his spirited " Akk, akk,
akk." Barbed wire in all fancy designs
stands everywhere, patiently awaiting
darkness so that it may emerge and
join its kind outside the parapet.
The senior captain sits in the mess hut
struggling with reports and returns,
certificates and lists of trench stores.
The junior captain prowls as ever in
search of the least untidiness in the
demesne (what a curse he '11 be to his
wife when lie goes on leave!). As
usual the subalterns congregate and
resettle European affairs and rearrange
the end of the war for an early date.
The latest rumour floats round the
boys : " Turkey's hostility has given
in ; Austria's ammunition has given
out ; we are for home and light guard
duties at Buckingham Palace this day
fortnight." The inevitable slice of
bacon frizzles over the brazier ; break-
fast in the trenches may begin at dawn,
but it is not over by dusk. My pet
irrepressible hurls threats at the enemy
over the way ; the answering bullet
bespatters irritably the top line of our
sand-bags. At his enplacement the
sergeant of the machine gun section
lays his aim for his customary twenty
or thirty rounds at eventide, and ex-
plains for the hundredth time that the
parts of the gun which recoil are
technically known as the recoiling parts,
the parts which don't recoil as the non-
recoiling parts. His audience show
their appreciation by gently humming
songs about aged mothers and canteens.
To my happiness my servant puts
the last touch with a cup of soup.
" One of these days, William," say I,
"you will get a D.C.M." "D.C.M.,
Sir?" he queries. "A distinguished
conduct medal," I say. " More likely,
Sir," says he, "a district court-martial."
My smile prompts William, ever a
sympathetic subject, to gossip. Had
I heard of the local parson ? No.
William gives me the facts. " He
couldn't serve himself, Sir," says he,
" or said he couldn't, so he mounted
his organist on his own best horse and
despatched the pair of them, with his
compliments, to the nearest Yeomanry
Eecruiting Office." A true raconteur,
William pauses before making his
point. " The Yeomanry people ex-
pressed their thanks, Sir," says he,
" keeping the horse but returning the
organist."
After all, the world is a good place,
even this Flanders corner of it, and I
have a smile of welcome even for the
orderly who brings me from the
Adjutant one of those familiar notes
which wear such important envelopes
but have usually such insignificant
insides. I open it and read . . .
This is a true incident, Charles —
they all are. I have been accused of
making light of tragedy in these letters;
in this case, however, I am only lead-
ing up to the horror of the thing. The
contents of the note are : " Brigade
message runs : — All leave cancelled,
except in the case of those who have
already gone. For your information."
For my information !
It is past weeping for, a long way
past swearing about. Things have
never so suddenly become sordid and
vile for me, especially the ubiquitous
sandbags and chloride of lime. My
temper is black ; tinged with purple.
I want to abuse -Somebody, hit him, kill
him. The orderly, knowing the contents
of the note, has gone. William, knowing
me, has also withdrawn. I am about
to help myself to two bombs from the
trench stores, with a view to destroying
my immediate surroundings, when my
eye falls on the machine-gun, with its
new belt in, all ready to fire. I advance
upon it ; the anger flashing from my
eyes awes the section. With no man's
leave or licence I sit down behind the
gun and, raising the safety catch and
depressing the button, I loose off with-
out pause 250 passionate fiery rounds,
meaning every one of them . . .
Amongst my fellows is a better-
educated private who in civilian life is
apparently a poet. His life also is at
this moment one overwhelming burn-
ing grievance against things at large.
His last day in the trenches has been
one of that peculiarly offensive kind
which, occurring in the life of every
private at some time or other, consists
of duty upon duty, task after task.
His last straw is also a message just
arrived : a verbal message from his
platoon-sergeant to the effect that
the first twenty-four hours of his rest
will be spent on headquarters guard.
Being either unaware of my presence
or else aware of my inner feelings, he
gives vent to verse, which, however
little he may mean it or however
emphatically it would have been sup-
pressed by me in other circumstances,
I now take a wicked delight in repro-
ducing, without, of course, endorsing
its sentiment : —
"How all authorities intrigue
To make my life one long fatigue . . .
Oh, Gait strafe all the Powers that be,
From Sergeant Birch to the G.O.C."
Yotir dismal HENRY.
30, 191/5.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
THE HORRORS OF WAR IN THE WEST-END.
New Club Waitress. " LOOKS QUITE TASTY, DON'T IT?"
COMMERCIAL MODESTY.
[" In business affairs always understate rather than overstate your
case. Moderation leads to conviction." — Sir GEORGE BIDDKLL on
" Philosophy in Business " in Success in Business and How to Win It.]
MY brothers, if you 're anxious to amass a modest pile
And spend the evening of your days in gentlemanly style,
Remember that the surest way of raking shekels in
Is to shun all overstatement as the chief commercial sin.
Thus, if you run a restaurant, it 's eminently crude
To insist upon the flavour and the richness of your food,
Far better tell your customers that, if it isn't nice,
It 's cheap, it isn't nasty, and it 's filling at the price.
Then if you 're implicated in the dairy-farming trade
Let the praises of your products be not arrogantly made ;
And though your butter be the best that ever yet was
seen
Describe it as " a substitute for high-class margarine."
Again, if you should cater for the smoker's daily needs,
Avoid exaggeration of the virtue of your weeds,
Confine your panegyrics to the statement that their match
Is not to be discovered on the finest cabbage-patch.
Supposing you 're a tailor, you would simply play the fool
If you stated that in cut and fit you superseded P:;::::L:::.
No, it 's better to be moderate in adjectives and nouns,
And say, " Our suits are equal to the choicest reach-me-
downs."
Or if your bent is musical and you aspire to shine
In the realm of oratorio or the operatic line,
You '11 never give the enemy occasion to rejoice
By claiming the possession of " a not unpleasing voice."
The plan is not a modern one ; grammarians, as we
know,
Described it as meiosis many centuries ago ;
And the Greeks from long experience found no better way
than this
To propitiate the vengeance of a watchful Nemesis.
In fine, eschew superlatives ; temper self-praise with
damns,
And let your trumpet's note recall the gentle bleat of
lambs ;
" Come buy, come buy !" should be your cry, " but don't
expect too much : "
Self-underestimation is the true commercial touch.
A correspondent observes that the telegraphic address
of the Ministry of Munitions is " Explocoma, London,"
and hopes that the " coma " refers to the past and not
to the present state of those who look after these com-
modities. We understand that the reference is to the
future, and expresses Mr. LLOYD GEORGE'S anticipations of
the effect of his new shells upon the enemy.
" Achi Baba is described as a small ' Gibraltar,' and one officer re-
marked that the British soldiers were being asked to take positions
which, if held by the British, would be unmistakable by anybody else."
Daily Sketch.
This is the sort of position that obviously ought to be
" masked."
506
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[.JUNE 30, 1915.
BLANCHE'S LETTERS.
THE CHANGING OF THK OLD ORDER
OF THINGS.
Park Lttnc.
.DKAUKST DAPHNE, — The sinking of
nil political differences, the fusion of
parties, and all that sort of thing, is
altogether splendid from one point of
view, but, my dear, there 's another
side to the picture — the social side.
I put it to you — how is Society to
survive if we 're all to be dear friends,
not criticising anybody and not finding
fault with anything ? Life will lose
all its snap, and Society may as well
be wound up by the LORD CHANCELLOR,
or whoever it is winds up bankrupt
concerns, and its goods sold for the
benefit of its creditors. It 's all very
well to talk of the lion lying down with
the lamb, but of course it makes life
a distinctly duller busi-
ness both for the lioii and
the lamb.
For instance, Mr. Ark-
wright and the Duke of
Clackmannan have not
only been prominent in
opposite camps ; their poli-
tical hostility extended to
their private life. It was
the funniest thing to see
them when they met at
people's houses and had
to speak ! Stella Clack-
mannan, who simply
adores the Duke, and Mary
Arkwright, who thinks
her husband easily the
greatest man there 's ever
been, took sides with all
their hearts, and enjoyed an almost
perfect enmity. Oh, the dear little
pinpricks and the innumerable small
ruses de giterre that made their lives
bright and snappy ! Once, when it
was Stella's turn to lecture at the
Garden Talks of the Anti-Banalites,
Mary Arkwright asked her what she
was going to talk to us about; and
Stella, who was dabbling in Oriental
mysticism just then, said her subject
was, " Which is the more desirable
state of being — Nirvana, or the Final
Negation of Moksha ? " " Ah," said
Mary, " then I read a meaning into
that delightful frock of yours, duchess
dear ; the deep folded waistband is
meant to suggest a lifebelt, as you 're
sure to get out of your depth ! "
Stella got a bit of her own back the
week after, however. You remember
that marvellous boy, Popperitzky, who
played the flute with his mouth and
sang to it through his nose, and sent
London quite wild ? Mary Arkwright
had secured him for one of her big
affairs at their official home, and, while
he was actually on his way to Upping
Street, Stella bad him kidnapped to
Clackmannan House to play and sing
to her crowd.
were quite national property, and no
jaune -premier ever had half so many
notes of admiration ! Popsy, Lady B.,
and others of our frisky juvenile-
Clackmannan never opened his lips antiques have always patronised the
in public or private without attacking Alamode ; indeed, Popsy has been so
George Arkwright, and George Ark- j important there that the manager used
wright used to speak of the Duke as I to consult her about a new " find," and
"a surviving relic of the monstrous ~ :j~J *
and effete old feudal system," and now
these two are colleagues in public and
friends in private ! The newly-created
Minister for Remembering Things, with
£5,000 a year and a seat in the Cabinet
(the duties are to think of everything
that other State Departments have/or-
ijotten) is no other than the Duke of
Clackmannan, and he and George Ark-
wright are always conferring together
and dining together! Stella C. and
Mary A. have buried everything even
r&moidy resembling a hatchet ; they 're
NO CHANGE.
Tommy (to neighbour). "Tais is A BIT OP 'AED LUCK. 'Er.E I'VE BEEN
INVALIDED 'OME AFTER TWO MONTHS IN THE TRENCHES, AND THIS IS THE
BLOOMIN' OUTLOOK I'VE GOT!"
for ever consulting about war-bazaars
and matinees, and it 's " Mary, dear, I
meant to fix the 25th for my concert in
aid of Wobbly Neutrals Who Can't
Make Up Their Minds, but I thought
I 'd ask first if you want that date ; "
and it 's " How very thoughtful of you,
dearest ! No, I "ve nothing at all for the
25th."
I saw them driving together in the
Park yesterday, and as my car passed
theirs I called out, " Hallo, Coalition ;
you both look rather dismal." " No
wonder," Mary Arkwright called back;
" each of us has lost her best enemy ! "
People are whispering quite an
amusing little storyette about Popsy,
Lady Bamsgate, and the Alamode
Theatre. The Alamode has long special-
ised in jeunes premiers ; its leading
men have always been acknowledged
beauty - boys, postcard heroes and
matinee idols. And of the whole series
Lionel Lestrange (some people say his
real name is Sam Hodges) was the
biggest draw. His wavy hair, his eye-
be guided by her verdict ; for, as he
once said, " What Popsy, Lady Eams-
gate, says to-day about a young actor
the matinee-girl will say to-morrow."
From the first she was quite eprise of
Lionel Lestrange. Two or three times
a week her curls and binoculars (the
latter always at her eyes and always
fixed on Lionel) might be seen in the
Eamsgate box, and she grew so pointed
in her attentions that it 's said the rest
of the company nicknamed Lestrange
"The Dowager Earl! " And then one
day, after thinking it over for about
ten months, our postcard
hero suddenly realised that
his country was at war
and wanted him, and he
shed his bright socks and
his stage smile and got
into khaki. There was
wailing and gnashing of
teeth among the patron-
esses of the Alamode. • But
a successor soon bobbed
up. " Mr. Claude Clithe-
row " was billed to play
lead in Boys will be Boys,
vice Lionel Lestrange gone
to play a man's part else-
where.
The first night went off
well. The new star twinkled
all right. The house was
full, and innumerable feminine whispers
went about, " What a darling Claude
Clitherow is !
Lionel Lestrange-
Handsomer than
-or at least quite as
handsome." Popsy, Lady E. sent for
the manager in the interval, had the
new boy presented to her, and took him
out to supper after tl:e show.
Shortly, however, there began to be
rumours. And Popsy, who was com-
pletely off with the old love and on
with the new, went Hying off to see
the manager of the Alamode one day
in a flaming fury — "Have you dn:«l
play such a trick on the public, Morris
Jacobson? 1 thought Claude Clitherow's
face was somehow familiar to me !
Yes, I see it's true!" "Hush, mv
lady," pleaded Jacobson, tearing his
black ringlets in an agony; "don't
give me away ! I was at my wits'
end ! All our attractive young men
are enlisting. Yes, it 's true. Claude
Clitherow is Daisy Bell of our chorus."
The Eamsgate box and almost all t lie
other boxes at the Alamode are To l.i'
brows and his dazzling socks and smile , now ! Ever thine, BLANCHE.
JUNK 30, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
507
•WHAT HO, CHAELIE 1 ANOTHER LITTLE GASOMETER?'
AS BETWEEN TERRIERS.
OP course I still believe in him; I
always shall ; I can't help it ; I 'm his
dog. But I must say that I find him
lately just a little hard to understand.
Other dogs' masters go out by them-
selves every day — leaving their dogs
to amuse themselves as best they can.
But my Master — ah ! he was different.
We were inseparable ; roaming the
country in the spring and summer;
rowing on the river or loafing in the
garden — Master trying to "brace him-
self for work," which he generally
started by electric light about my bed-
time. And in the winter we dozed
together in the studio ; or 1 stole
chestnuts off the stove whilst Master
smoked and whistled and forgot them.
It was a perfect life. He called it
" drawing for Punch." And then,
about two months ago, he suddenly
went wrong . . .
lie came into the hall at lunch-time,
after one of his rare visits to the City
without me ; said he "d got no further
use for bowler hats, so stuck his on
my head, and from inside it I heard
him declaring how they 'd " taken him
at last— barnacles and all." The rest
of that day he did nothing but talk
about the " Linseed Lancers." I thought
he might recover in tho night, but the
next day he went off to town again
and came back dressed in four different
shades of yellow and a puppy's drink-
ing basin upon his head.
The third day, after a rather elaborate
farewell, he again deserted me, and
didn't come bade. I waited for him at
his bedroom door, knowing his ways
of life and notions of bedtime. Later,
I searched his studio — and the family
gave me talk I couldn't understand.
Two days, three days, still no Master.
Then I went out to look for him.
It was late in the evening at the
"Foaming Bowl" (a sort of lending
library Master used to call at) that 1
was recognised and taken home; but
black-and-tan terriers don't give in
easily.
The family was very nice and sym-
pathetic, so I wagged my tail to show
them that I 'd find him yet, and, O
rats ! the very next day there was
Master, hack view, four shades of yellow
and puppy's drinking basin all com-
plete, walking ahead of me. I dashed
after him, and landed in the old way,
with my two front paws bang in the
middle of his back. But it wasn't
Master; and not even when I once
sat upon a pen-and-ink sketch (wet)
had I been called such names before.
But still we don't give in, we black-
and-tans. It didn't take me long to
tumble to the fact that any one of the
yellow-brown suits walking the streets j
might possibly conceal my Master.
I had to search them all.
The family got quite stuffy when 1
was brought home every night by a
different policeman. But still I per-
severed ; until one day I suddenly
encountered rows and rows of possible
Masters marching down the High
Street. I don't remember just how
many I examined, but I do know that
by the time the band was rearranged
and the trams were able to go on again
I had decided to give up looking for
Master, and stay at home and wait.
* * * * *
He came back. He comes back
every other week now for an hour or so.
Says he 's a " terrier " himself and that
I ought to be the Regimental Pet.
But I 'm afraid the post must be al-
ready filled, for I heard Master tell a
man the other day that the R.A.M.C.
Regimental Pet was a leech, specially
trained to crawl at the head of the
band, and salute by rearing up on its
tail.
I wish that leech would get dis-
temper.
"U29 sunk by H.M. ship - - intimated
sunk by Mr. Balfour June 9." — Glasgow Newt.
The new FIRST LORD has quickly
justified his appointment. Even Mr.
CHURCHILI. never equalled this per-
formance.
508
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JUNE 30, 1915.
ON THE SPY-TRAIL.
VII.
A I.OT of people have told Jimmy
that ho ought to exhibit his blood-
hound, Faithful, so Jimmy asked the
milkman the proper way to send it to
a show.
The milkman said it depended upon
the kind of show, but in any case
Jimmy would have to give warning
first. He said he was going to see a
friend of his who was a dog-fancier,
and if Jimmy liked to bring Faithful
he would take them with him in his
milk carriage. Jimmy says they found
the dog-fancier sitting fancying outside
his house with a pot of beer. He was
a very fat man, Jimmy says, and spoke
with a husk. He thought a lot of
Faithful when he saw him ; he called
his wife to have a look at him. He
asked her if Faithful reminded her of
anyone. She saw the likeness at once ;
it was her Uncle Joe.
" His side-whiskers to a T," the dog-
fancier said.
The milkman told Jimmy afterwards
that Uncle Joe was not very popular
with them.
The dog-fancier looked hard at
Faithful and asked Jimmy if he col-
lected postage-stamps as well. But
when Jimmy'told him of the German
spies that his bloodhound had tracked
down he was so pleased that he
wanted to do something for Faithful,
and he decided to drink his health,
when suddenly they heard old Faithful
on the spy-trail again.
You see Faithful had discovered that
when the back of the milkman's carriage
is unfastened, it hits the road with a
bang if you jump inside and push at
it. Faithful is a good pusher, Jimmy
says, and it made the milkman's horse
jump three feet out of its sleep, and
that jerked the back of the carriage up
and banged it on the ground again.
Jimmy says it made the dog-fancier
and the milkman want to start off in
a great hurry to go and see, good
gracious, what it was, and the milk-
man started first because the dog-
fancier stopped to choke over his beer
— it was the husk that did it, he said.
By the time the milkman reached
the road, Jimmy says his bloodhound
had worked the milkman's horse up
into a mad career.
Jimmy says he was afraid lest
Faithful might get run over, and the
milkman said he was afraid lest he
mightn't. They were very hot on the
trail, Jimmy says, and you could hear
the back of the milk carriage flapping
quite nicely against the road ; it never
missed once. Jimmy says the milk-
man had pever seen his horse on the
spy- trail before, and as he ran he told
Jimmy in confidence that if he had
known this would have happened he
would not havecome out, and Jimmy was
to catch him doing it again, my word.
Jimmy says they had only run a
mile when they came across some signs
of Faithful's progress ; it was a motor-
car which had pushed its nose into a
ditch, and the chauffeur showed the
milkman how you did it. He said ho
had just avoided the milk-cart when
a black rabbit suddenly bolted across
the road and upset his nerve. Jimmy
says bloodhounds are like that when
they are on the trail ; they appear in-
human, and it's because of their lust
for blood. There were two ladies in
the motor-car, and they asked the milk-
man to come back and help when he
had caught his horse.
Jimmy says when they returned the
chauffeur was under the car worrying ;
they could hear him doing it. They
heard him tell the two ladies not to
stand there like a couple of fools, but
to • and then the ladies started to
cough violently, and the chauffeur
mumbled something about asking for
the coupling tools, and would the milk-
man help him for half-a-crown, because
he had broken his petrol pipe ?
The chauffeur was surprised to see
Faithful; he crawled out to study his
face. " I thought it was a black rabbit,"
he said, and then, because Faithful
wagged his tail, he tried to strafe him
with a spanner.
But Jimmy says Faithful knows all
about spanners, he always has one eye
fixed on things like that whatever else
he may be doing with the other.
Faithful liked to see the chauffeur hide
himself under the car ; he found him
again quite easily, and then it was
Faithful's turn to hide.
Jimmy says the milkman helped the
chauffeur a good deal ; he asked him
what the petrol pipe was for, and
wouldn't it do if he put a piece of cork
in it, and what would happen if the
motor-car started while he was like
that. He told the chauffeur he had a
cousin who was a blacksmith, but give
him cows.
Jimmy says the milkman would have
helped the chauffeur a lot more, but,
when he pointed to the carburetter and
asked if that was where they put the
electric in, the chauffeur was very rude.
Jimmy says one of the ladies got a
camp-stool out of the car, and when
she sat down Jimmy says she stuck
both of her feet out straight in front of
her, and then hitched her dress to
prevent it bagging at the knees, and
then seemed to remember something,
for she laughed. Jimmy says that
when she saw him looking at her she
asked him if he would like sixpence, and
then tried to find her dress pocket.
Jimmy says he felt funny all inside
whilst she was fumbling for her pocket,
because he knew Faithful had dom; it
again, and it was a spy dressed up like
a woman.
Jimmy says he had to got over the
hedge without being seen, and I lion
he ran as hard as he could to ask the
dog-fancier his opinion. Jimmy s«,ys
the dog - fancier's opinion was two
mastiffs, a double-barrelled gun and a
policeman, and when they got back
they found old Faithful playing at " all
round the mulberry bush " witli the
chauffeur, who had mended his petrol
pipe and was trying to lever the car
out of the ditch.
Jimmy says the policeman warned
them that anything they cared to say
would be used as evidence, and then
he had to ask the chauffeur to go more
slowly, because he couldn't write short-
hand.
Jimmy says it made the real lady sit
down in the road and have some
hysterics, and the chauffeur told her lie
didn't see anything to laugh at except
the policeman's silly face.
Jimmy says the chauffeur looked at
the mastiffs and asked the dog-fancier
if he was going rabbiting ; it made the
milkman very happy, Jimmy says.
Jimmy says the man dressed up in
woman's clothes turned out to be a spy
who had escaped from a concentration
camp, because they got some authorities
who could swear at him. Jimmy says
that when the magistrate heard that
there was only one camp-stool, and
that the German spy sat down on that
himself, he said the real lady must be
the German's wife, and it turned out
he was quite right.
Jimmy says the chauffeur might
have got off, but the milkman told how
he had called the other two a couple of
fools, and that proved they were friends.
Jimmy says old Faithful was so
pleased with himself that he wantod to
wrestle both of the mastiff's catch-as-
catch-can, and he kept daring them to
come out of their collars at him until
their necks began to look like hedge-
hogs.
Jimmy says Faithful sat up that
night telling another dog all about it
over the wireless telephone, until some
one switched the other dog off.
From a tea-shop advertisement : —
"Our sanguinary expectations havi
more than realized, and each day adds new
admirers permanently as visitors."
Newcastle Daily Journal.
Under the distressing influence of the
War even our most innocent traders
seem to be out for blood.
30, 1915.]
PUNCH,
OB
TI!K LONDON CMAIMVARI.
509
HUMOURS OF A REMOUNT CAMP.
"HOW HAPPY COULD I BE WITH EITHER."
MANUAL EXERCISES
AND OTHER INCIDENTS.
WE are a Rifle Brigade. Of course
we haven't any real rides nor are we
really a brigade. But on account of our
designation wo do things differently
from the common infantryman, and
most of us do them differently from
any kind of soldier.
For the purposes of our business of a
Ritle Brigade we are possessed of a
number of obsolete weapons, dating
from tho year 1870, nicknamed rides.
They are cold uncompanionable things,
but, out of consideration for the feelings
of tho enthusiast who acquired them,
we quite often tako them about with
us. Luckily there are more men than
weapons and the laggards are compelled
to parade without arms. Until the
occasion to which I am about to refer
I have always succeeded in being a
laggard.
it happened just before Whitsuntide.
The parade was unusually small and I
was compelled to appear complete with
rillo. I admit that the thing made mo
nervous, but I dragged it forth with an
assumed air of nonchalance and stood
at ease with &clat. Tho Serjeant-
ina.jor who \\a-i in charge of tho parade
suddenly barked at us, and from sheer
fright I arrived at a position something
resembling what I believe is technically
known as " the order." In the pause
that ensued I ascertained that my
short ribs had only been contused and
not broken by the end of the metal
tubing.
"Shoulder — arms! "yelled the Ser-
jeant-major. I really believe that I
should have done that too if the metal
projection called tho foresight had not
entangled itself in my coat. This made
me late on the movement, and the
Serjeant-major scowled at me. I was
cross about it too because the piece of
my coat which was hanging on the
weapon was a material part of the
garment. The movement not having
been entirely satisfactory, we were
directed to "order arms" again. I
endeavoured to make up for my pre-
vious laxity by extra smartness, but
misjudged the position of the little toe
of my right foot. Its contact with the
butt end of the rifle caused me to
exclaim and I was severely reprimanded
for talking in the ranks.
I confess that " Present arms ! " had
"me beaten, but I did my best. I
wriggled the weapon into what, as
far as I could judge from a side-glance
at my neighbour, was a correct posi-
tion. But when the Sergeant-major's
eye lit on me I had a feeling that all
was not well. He strode silently but
relentlessly in my direction. A person
of less courage would have dropped the
treacherous instrument and tied, but
not I. Eecalling the fact that I was
an Englishman and a soldier, I ten-
aciously stood my ground. The Ser-
geant-major paused for a moment in
front of me, and then he spake. I will
say this for our Sergeant-major — he is
thorough. I never remember a finer
example of his thoroughness. When
at length his breath failed him he
sighed regretfully, and, with an air
of patient resignation, adjusted my
hands into a strained position which
seemed to cause him satisfaction.
I " sloped" the thing on the proper
shoulder and got hold of the butt with
the proper hand. One would have
thought that this would have pleased
even a sergeant - major, but he was
quite annoyed because I hadn't got the
trigger business facing the way he
liked.
" 'Ow many drills 'ave you done,
Sir ? " Being no arithmetician I
couldn't help him, and he looked sug-
gestively at the recruit squad drilling in
the corner. Then he bethought him
that one fine day the hat would go round
to provide a suitable gratuity for kindly
510
TUNCII, OE THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JUNE 30, 1915.
OUR VOLUNTEERS.
"Mr HCSBAND BELONGS TO THE AUTHORS' BRIGADE. THEY 'BE GETTING OS SPLENDIDLY — IN FACT, I BELIEVE THEY 'BE GOING
INTO A THIRD EDITION."
sergeant-majors, and he only sighed
again and passed on.
When next we were due to " order
arms " I tried to take a surreptitious
look to find out where my toe might be,
but the Sergeant-major at once made it
clear that this was against the rules of
the game. However, I missed my own
toe all right, but the man next to me
had to fall out. I was sorry about it,
but if a man can't lose a little thing
like a toe nail without all that fuss he
isn't fit to be a soldier. Fortunately
the Sergeant-major and I were agreed
on that point, so the incident passed off
without much unpleasantness.
As every soldier knows (and I learned
that night), the incidents I have de-
scribed are " manual exercises." Having
done with them we passed into more
congenial and familiar paths of drill, at
which, when unhampered by a rifle,
I am no worse than some of the others.
Being a Rifle Brigade it is incumbent
on us to march with the rifle at the
trail." Everyone knows that to get
the rifle to the " trail " you give it a
cant forward and seize it at the point
of balance. Well, I missed it. This
was due to the fact that the backsight
bit out a large portion of my first
finger. I admit that this caused some
slight delay in the execution of a some-
what intricate manoeuvre. You cannot
all in a moment pick up a rifle and
replace a portion of your finger in an
indifferent light. I explained to the
Sergeant-major that if I had waited till
the end of the parade to execute nay
repairs the pieces of my finger would
have got cold and might not have
amalgamated properly, and that the
result might have been the loss of my
services to the corps for quite a time.
If I had known that you cannot con-
veniently " right about turn " with a
rifle at the "trail" the injury to my
neighbour's knee would not have occur-
red. What he and the Serjeant-major
said were both out of order. The man
had no more right than I to talk in
the ranks, and it wasn't the Serjeant-
major's knee that was damaged.
Thenceforward until the end of the
drill my neighbours gave me more room
and I did better, but I can't say that I
really got on friendly terms with that
implement. Still, there was no sus-
tained ill-feeling between the Sergeant-
major and myself. After the fourth
pint he gave me some private and con-
fidential hints about the use of the rifle
which, if he was right about them and
I can remember, may come in handy.
From " To-day's Diary " in The Daily
Express, June 19th : —
"Mr. Bonar Law speaks at Shrewsbury
School speech-day.
' Oh ! Be Careful ' (revival), Garrick
Theatre, 8."
But a perusal of the COLONIAL SECBE-
TAEY'S speech shows that there was
really no cause for anxiety.
Lieutenant-Colonel • , just posted to the
Royal East Kent Mounted Rifles, was latterly
serving with the 1st Reserve Regiment of
Cavalry and is a retired major of the 5th
Dragoon Guards. He has won many distinc-
tions in the Soudan and South Africa, and
was fatally wounded in the latter campaign."
Kentish Gazette.
Like CHARLES II. he seems to have been
an unconscionable time in dying, but
with more advantage to his country.
"The association of Admiral Sir Arthur
Wilson with the Admiralty Bard is regarded
here as a masterly move." — Rangoon Times.
Our congratulations to SIR HENRY
NEWBOLT.
PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— JUNE 30, 1915.
THE NEW CAPITALIST.
BRITISH WORKMAN. "COME ON, MATE. HERE GOES FOB A DOLLAE'S WORTH OF STAKE
IN THE COUNTRY. EVERY LITTLE HELPS."
JUNK 30, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHA1MVAIM.
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
D FI'.OM Till] DlAHY OK Toi'.Y, M.I'.)
of Commons, Mondial, June
When just now the new CHAN-
CKI.I.OIt OK I'jXi'HMO.ri-'.U Walked Up to
Table carrying folded sheet of foolscap
paper purporting fo bo copy of \\-.\\-
1 ,oan Hill, tbc hea>-ty cheer that greeted
him suggested that tbc nine bundred
millions ho had been talking about was
to be divided among ineinbers of tho
House in addition to humble salary of
£400 a year ruthlessly charged with
income-tax. On the contrary, it meant
that we and our constituents are,
for purposes of the War, to provide
colossal sum unheard of in the story of
nations. What pleased the House was
the clever construction of the scheme
and the clear manner in which it was
expounded.
It was McKENNA's first appearance
as Chancellor of Exchequer. Handi-
capped by succession to one of whom
it might be said (omitting • local
allusion which supplies one of the
most delightful non sequiturs in the
language),
Persuasion tips his tongue whene'er he talks,
And he has chambers in the King's Bench
Walks.
He did not attempt to compete with
predecessor in those touches of genuine
eloquence that from time to time uplift
a prosaic business statement. Be-
ginning without exordium he ended
without peroration. Occupied
only an hour in making clear
as noonday to dullest appre-
hension a proposal equally pro-
digious and minute.
Whilst PRIME MINISTER was
still Chancellor, he emancipated
Budget speech from thraldom of
old tradition which, banded down
from heyday of DISRAELI and
GLADSTONE, prolonged delivery
over a minimum of two hours,
with purple passages of sustained
eloquence and the introduction of
at least one quotation from Greel:
or Roman poet, which invariably
drew emphatic cheer from classi-
cal scholars below the Gang-
way. This afternoon ASQUITH'S
favourite disciple, dealing with
intricate financial subject, whilst
equalling the lucidity of the
Master, even excelled him in
severity and simplicity of style.
The speech punctuated with
approving cheers, culminating in
demonstration when, preliminary
Resolution by common consent
passed through all its stages, tho
Bill based upon it was " brought
in. '
If House of Commons truly
represents national feeling the War
Loan will be a stupendous success.
HHMII,' .-; d( Hi:. — Bill read a first time,
authorising raising of War Loan un-
limited in amount. Understood that
CHANCELLOR OF Ex< 111:1,111:1;, a man of
THE LORD HUGH QUERY.
moderate views, will be satisfied if nine
hundred millionsterling be forthcoming.
House of Lords, Tuesday. — House
in rather awkward predicament to-day.
Since his elevation to Woolsack the
EX-SoLiciTOR-GENBCAL has found him-
self in invidious position. Though
LORD CHANCELLOR, permitted to preside
" ASQUITH'S FAVOURITE DISCIPLE."
over procec< lings in what is
called (he I'pprr Chamber, bo was
not yet a peer. To-day, invested with
_;0, Lord BUCKMASTEH-OF CflEDD-
INGTON took the oath and was fully
lied in office.
Proceedings attendant upon swearing
in of new peer preserve quaint ceremo-
nial going back to Stuart times. The
novice, fully robed, is brought in by two
noble lords also wearing the red gown
blameless peerage. Having pre-
srnfed him to LORD CHANCELLOR seated
on Woolsack, to whom on bended knee
he hands a roll of parchment en-
grossed with patent of his peerage, bis
sponsors lead him to Table and watch
over him as he signs Roll of Parliament.
Then GARTER KING-AT-ARMS appears
on scene, clad in all his ancient panoply.
By circuitous route be leads the way to
back-bench below Gangway on Oppo-
sition side. What would happen to
the British constitution if the group
proceeded thither by shortest way
Heaven only knows. Possible catas-
trophe is by GARTER KING'S strategy
sedulously avoided.
Arrived at their destination the new
peer and his escort, at bidding of GARTER
KING, seat themselves. At another
signal, turning towards the Woolsack,
they thrice salute it by gravely raising
their cocked hats. The LORD CHAN-
CELLOR, who has also possessed him-
self of a cocked hat usually worn
askew on top of full-bottomed wig,
returns tho salute. Thereupon
the three red-gowned peers rise
and, conducted part of the way
by GARTER KING, quit the House
by the door behind Woolsack,
presently returning clothed in
common-place twentieth-century
garb.
To-day difficulty alluded to in-
evitably took place at stage of
ceremonial where the new peer
salutes the LORD CHANCELLOR
on the Woolsack. On historic
occasion JOHN BRIGHT informed
House of Commons that he
" could not turn his back upon
himself." LORD CHANCELLOR
seated on back bench below the
Gangway could not render obeis-
ance to himself simultaneously
occupying the Woolsack. How-
ever there was the Woolsack, im-
memorial, immovable. Thrice the
new LORD CHANCELLOR with
inflexible gravity saluted its
august irresponsive presence and
straightway proceeded to sit
upon it.
Business done. — Commons, after
brief conversation congratulatory
of CHANCELLOR OF EXCHEQUER,
read War Loan Bill a second time.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
Persevering Volunteer (wrestling with bugle in remote spot). " AH-H-H-H— GOT IT AT LAST!"
House of Commons, Wednesday. — In
a speech occupying nearly two hours'
delivery, unusual length in active
war time, the MINISTER OF MUNITIONS
explained his scheme of obtaining
sufficient supply at earliest possible
moment. Fairly full House recognised
scope of plan and systematised vigour
with which it is already set afoot.
Only criticism offered is that it comes
into existence ten months too late.
This, as SARK says, is the easiest
form of criticism, pleasing to the critic
as implying that had he been in charge
of the business such prompt commence-
ment would have been achieved.
JACK PEASE, free from trammels of
office and the pledge of secrecy that
seals lips of Cabinet Ministers, made
clean breast of the matter. Whilst
benevolently " begging the House not
to regard the new departure as reflection
on the sins of the SECRETARY FOR WAR
or the omissions of the late Govern-
ment," he admitted that at beginning
of the War " we had no idea " of whai
would be wanted in. the way of muni
tions.
ARTHUR MARKHAM, I'enfant terribl
of debate, noting this admission, ob
served that there were a good man_
lamp-posts in Whitehall. Who deservec
to be hanged on them he was no
prepared to say. Incidentally, with an
eye obviously fixed on a particula
lamp-post, he asserted that " th
cardinal mistake that Lord KITCHENER
made was that of concentrating in his
wn hands the work of the War Office,
own to the smallest details."
Captain GUEST, home on brief leave
rom tne Front, his khaki uniform look-
ng uncommonly fresh considering ten
nonths" servica, made simple eloquent
appeal for more munitions.
Business done. — LLOYD GEORGE
srought in Bill providing for increased
supply of munitions. The Central
European Powers are, he sam, turning
out 250,000 shells a day. "If we
are in earnest," he added, amid loud
cheers, " we can surpass that enormous
production."
Thursday. — Sitting chiefly engaged
in discussing Local Government Vote
WALTER LONG in moving it mentioned
that twenty-nine years have elapse:
since he first went to the Board. He-
turning to his early love finds her
much changed.
In course of conversation, HAYES
FISHER quite incidentally mentionec
that next week a Bill will be introducec
authorising a system of National Eegis
tration. Scanty audience greeted mo
mentous statement with feeble cheer.
Business done. — Committee of Supply
" The Government was investigating tli
cause of the great increase in the export o
yarns to neutrals." — Egyptian Gazette.
" Wolff's Bureau," beware !
of
MY LADY'S GAEDEN.
>!Y lady's little garden
Was fair of old to see :
Here foxgloves grew of every hue,
The sweet, though lanky, pea,
The mignonette and pansy-
All blooms that smile or smell
With many a name, I own with shame,
I 've never learned to spell.
! loved my lady's garden
In those dear days gone by ;
It helped me drown the thought
town
And dull old care defy ;
Amid its Summer fragrance
I 'd sit out eve until
All earth was dumb save for the hum
From Philomela's bill.
To-day my lady's garden
Exhales an air of gloom,
A sombre green pervades the scene
Where blushed full many a bloom ;
For oh ! this former pleasaunce
On which I set such store
Is crammed with " veg." from edge to
edge
To help her through the War,
"Wanted, a competent Madrasi Ayah to
take charge of a baby of 10 months, who can
speak English and Hindustani."
The Statesman.
This precocious infant should requir
some looking after.
,li NK 30, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CIIAUIVAEI.
515
Sergeant (instructing in the use of respirators), "SQUAD! IN — HALE I Ex — PIBE!"
AT THE PLAY.
" MORE."
AT the Ambassadors Theatre (bijou)
there is a sort of intimate gaiety
lacking in the larger Halls of Eevue.
One is reminded of the Follies, but rather
regretfully. For though the company
gives you "odds and ends" of fun there
is little enough either of wit or humour
in the words. A duller monologue than
that of The Author (represented by Mr.
MORRIS HARVEY) in search of an Idea
can seldom have been composed; though
Mr. GRATTAN disarms criticism by his
frank admission of hopeless vacuity.
A parody of something stupid should
not only be stupid itself, but should
reproduce the particular stupidity of
the original. And Mr. GRATTAN'S
burlesque revues fulfil admirably these
requirements. A smaller man might
have been tempted to import some
alien element of cleverness ; but Mr.
GRATTAN avoids this snare. His imita-
tions are a triumph of banality. The
trouble always is in these cases that
some of the audience will insist on
enjoying the banality on its own merits,
mistaking it for a product of creative
art. This is very unfair to the author,
yet I do not think that Mr. GRATTAN
resents it. He does not even mind your
being distracted from the excellence of
his imitations by the rival claims of the
ladies who interpret them.
Apart from these burlesques, to whicl?
the best of the humour, was contributed
by Mr. LEON MORTON, and the pre-
cocious little Miss BETTY BALFOUR,
whose aplomb is superb (I wish there
had been more of it), we had the usual
clever imitations of actors' voices, done
in the dark, though that did not help me
to recognise Mr. ARTHUR BOURCHIER'S
vocal methods ; and an excellent
scene of an Italian restaurant, where
Miss IRIS HOEY illustrated the com-
manding superiority of her sex when it
comes to a question of securing the
attentions of a waiting staff. In
justice to the male with whom she
competed it should be said that his
test took place in a British tea-shop.
There was also a pretty scene from
the crinoline period, and yet another
burlesque, of melodrama this time, not
too subtle. A good deal of Miss ALICE
DELYSIA met the eye in most of the
trifles that went to make up the even-
ing's medley. Altogether we amused
ourselves very passably, and indeed I
blame myself for not having laughed
more. . 0. S.
" German efforts to recover Hell 1915 in front
of Neuville have failed." — Daily Chronicle.
They were more successful in Belgium, i
1914.
Ministerial Candour.
The SECRETARY TO THE TREASURY on
the taxation of War-prpfits, as reported
by The Daily Mail :—
"The delay was due to the desire of the
Treasury to devise a scheme which would
take in everybody."
' ' We are officially informed that the Presi-
dent of the Board of Agriculture and Fisheries
has appointed a Departmental Committee
to consider and repor wha seps should be be
taken, by legislation or otherwise, for the
sole purpose of mainlining and, if possible,
increasing, the present production of food
in England and Wales." — Daily Chronicle.
The Committee evidently have to face
a considerable shortage of "t."
" More than a thousand Germans were boy-
cotted, following an abuse of the white flag."
Yorkshire Evening Post.
We have an idea that this apparently
mild punishment was quite effective,
and that these particular Germans will
not offend again.
"Reconstruction will be of a most drastic
description. Unionists have been offered half
seats, but the Cabinet will probably be smaller
and will be really a War Council as depart-
ments not connected with war will be exe-
cuted."— Indian Daily Telegraph.
Mr. ASQUITH, happily, did not find it
necessary to be so drastic as that.
516
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JUNE 30, 1915.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Cl-erks.)
IT is pleasant to watch Mr. F. S. OLIVER in Ordeal by
Itnttli- (.MACMILLAN) hammering upon the noses of his and
his friends' enemies, or gaily drawing the fangs of his
particular black beast, the political lawyer, and to reflect on
the charming appositeness of that honoured pseudonym
Pacificus. But in truth one cannot jest about this pro-
foundly serious book. Here is a writer who is abundantly
justified by the result in breaking the silence of that loyalty
which constrains even the most talkative and critical of us
plain men — a writer who can classify and summarise his
political thinking in swift phrases which have the bite of
epigram with a wit and precision Gallic rather than
British. Yet not its wit or its lucidity but the fire and
sincerity of it make this book.' Of necessity hurried, it is
neither hasty nor glib. Behind it lie the thoughts of strenu-
ous years. There is anger in it,' but 'not a mean or a cheap
stroke. With more truth
than such heroic simplifi-
cations usually possess he
sets before us the German
system as, essentially^ the
domination of thaValways
baleful thing, the priest^
hood in politics — that is
of the highly skilled and
drilled " jfedantocracy "
with its irrevocable dog-
mas and surrender of all
critical judgment; our own
British scheme as, in
effect, the creation of the
dominant lawyer, not so
much corrupt as corrupt-
ing ; cognisant rather of1
precedents, ordinances, ap- !
pearances than of realities ; !
adroit in debate, hectoring i
in cross-examination ; a ;
seeker rather after verdicts I
than truth ; hesitating in I
action ; a man not of affairs '
but of aspects of affairs.
columns, but the appearance of 1914 and Other Poems
(SIDOWICK AND JACKSON) seems an occasion on which a
departure from this rule may fittingly be made. Of this
little volume, which contains the last things written by
RUPERT BROOKE, it can be said at once that no one who
cares for the heritage 'of our literature should omit to read
and possess it. Inevitably from the circumstances in which
the collection has been made it includes work of unequal
value, some of which perhaps the poet himself might have
wished to amend. But of the best of "it, and especially the
five already famous sonnets with which it opens, one can
only repeat a criticism made upon their first appearance :
they will rank for ever among the treasures of English
poetry. Even to-day we can be grateful that the writer
lived long enough to leave behind him a memorial of such
is all
forget
dignified and noble beauty. Not that the book
solemnity. No record of RUPERT BROOKE could
bis laughter; it sounds delightfully through -the buoyant
i T i ( I *i r *i f i < itj r\f ** T^lifi TriaVi'c! T-T/»n *»^ai-» • " »-»->/•*»»/* i-rv*n Vr/-»lir 4-K»* . ,.-1.
audacities of
Rural Constable. "Now THEN, COME OUT o' THAT. BATHING'S NOT
ALLOWED 'ERE AFTER EIGHT A.M. !"
Tlus Face in tlie Water. "EXCUSE ME, SERGEANT, I'M HOT BATHING-
I 'M ONLY DROWNING."
The Fish's Heaven;" more gravely through
"The Great Lover," where
he tells over the list of
pleasant things that have
delighted him, much as
WHITMAN might, but less
laboriously. To genera-
tions unborn RUPERT
BROOKE will become a
tradition, another figure
in the group of poets
whom the gods loved and
crowned with immortal
youth. " The worst' friend
and enemy is but death,"
he wrote, facing with
happy courage a fate of
which he seemed to have
fore-knowledge. To him-
self death may have come
as a friend indeed, but to
us as an enemy whom it
is hard to forgive.
Neither party is spared. Some
stinguished personalities are faithfully dealt with. He
pleads that we have been given (are being given) the stone
of lawyerism when we hunger for tho bread of leadership.
La criticises with a welcome frankness the incredibly futile
the
reticences, the unmeasured distrust of the people
empty-smooth phrases of the politicals— such, for instance,
as " the triumph of the voluntary system." If we win it
will not have been any triumph of what may reasonably be
denied the attribute " voluntary " and is most certainly not
a "system." " The triumph of the voluntary system," said
French officer "is a German triumph; it is the ruin of
Belgium and the devastation of France." Perhaps if there
be any spleen in this book it is directed against those who
»t merely ridiculed but denounced the great soldier who
warned them of this " calculated " war and the price of
averting it. Do they make any amends, register any con-
fession of mistaken judgment ? Let me as one who humbly
fought in their camp and murmured their shibboleths
They do not.
we are seen.
Mr. OLIVER
is a
answer regretfully for them.
makes us see ourselves as we are seen. His book ia „,
(lame that will burn away much cant and rubbish ; it will
" light a candle which will not soon be put out."
It is not usual to notice books of verse in these limited
A long study of tales of
crime and detection has led
me to the proud conclusion that I am not easily to be baffled
by their mysteries ; so it is incumbent upon me to confess
that Sir A. CONAN DOYLE, in The Valley of Fear (SMITH,
ELDER), has fairly and squarely downed me. The first of
his tales is called " The Tragedy of Birlstone," and here we
have as rousing a sensation as the greediest of us could
want, and Sherlock Holmes solving the problem in his most
scientific manner. In the second tale, " The Scowrers,"
the scene of which is laid in America, we have the story of
a society which devoted itself to murder and crime, and we
discover why Mr. Douglas, a Sussex country gentleman,
was concerned in the Birlstone Tragedy and was also a
doomed man. " The Scowrers " is rather overcharged with
bloodshed for my taste, but in spite of this I can only
praise the skill with which a most complete surprise is
prepared. Respectfully I take off my hat to Sir ARTHUR.
In addition let me say that dear old Watson is actually
allowed a short but brilliant innings, for I can imagine no
finer achievement on his part than to score one off Sherlock,
and this for a fleeting moment he is permitted to do. (Cheers.)
"The editing of King Edward VIII., in the series of the ' Arden
bnakespeare,' published by Messrs. Methuen & Co., London at 2s Gd
net per volume, has been committed to Mr. C. Knox Pooler."— Scotsman.
Is not this perhaps a little previous ?
.Ti-Ni: 30, 191o.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
517
THE INCORRIGIBLES IN HOSPITAL.
IN the first bed on the left as you come into the ward was a red-haired trooper of five-and-twenty, with a
cradle to keep the clothes off his wounded leg.
"Yes, Sir," he said to my greeting; "knee-cap for me, an' rather a mess of it. I haven't quite decided whether
I '11 have the leg off, or just go about with a stiff 'un. I 'm leavin' that for the doctor. It 's his funeral, after all,
ain't it?"
" I hope it won't be a case of amputation," I said.—Then, waving my arm vaguely, "And what is it like out there?"
"Firs'-rate, Sir! /'^TV-rate, if it wasn' for those bloomin' allymets what they deals out for matches. When I
got this bit o' shell in the knee it hurt me for a bit, but I soon got picked up, an' I was all right enough till the Red
Cross chap says, 'A smoke? ' 'Par demmy,' says I, knowin' a bit o' the lenguage. So what does he do but give me
one p' them corporals, an' lights a sulphur allymeL That all but put my little light out, I 'm tellin' yer. But I
didn' let on, o' course, an' as soon as I got down to the Base Hospital I could get civilised wax vestas, so that was
all right. But them allijmcls — they must ha' 'sphinxiated hundreds of our pore fellers, I give yer my word!"
I dispensed cigarettes of the peculiar kind that Tommy seems to love best, produced an illustrated paper, and
after shaking hands went along to the next cot.
" Well," I said, " and how are you ? "
"Oh, fair to middlin'. I was in luck's way right up to Noove Chapel, but after that the on'y jam we
ever got was plum, an' you can get pretty tired o' plum jam if you 'ave enough of it, even without a bullet
through the blessed "ip."
" War's war," I remarked limply.
"That's right enough, Sir. But jam's jam, an" if Lord KITCHENEK knew the old reg'ment was restricted to
plum jam— well, there 'd be somebody's number up at daylight to-morrow, I bet! Some of the 'Ighland reg'ments
was gutting black currant, an' strawberry, an' damson, whereas we was pinned down to plum all the while. Mind,
Sir, 1 don' mean t' grouse, but 'ow anybody with any pertence to knowledge o' strategy an' ta'tics can expec' a
man to fight 'is ugliest on plum jam— well, it can't be done, Sir! Otherwise you might say that this 'ere war is
bem' conducted in a very businesslike fashion, an' K. can't look to everything 'imself, it's on'y fair to admit."
The next man's faca was swathed in bandages. Only his eyes could be seen as I approached him, but there
an opening through which he could speak, though thickly.
"Oh, I'm all right, Sir!" he said. "I'm as light as rain now, though I'd ha' chosen some other kind o'
was
518
PUNCH, Oil THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JUNE 30, 1915.
knock-out if I 'd 'ad the choice. You see, Sir, when I let' Aldershot at th' beginnin' of August I was what you might
call engaged to a young lady wot was in the saloon bar at one o' the best 'ouses in the command, and she'd made me
promise 'er that 1 '<! grow a moustache. Well, after about a week it stood straight out from my lip, and I says to
myself, 'She'll find this inconvenient,' I says. So I took th' advice of our Colours, an' 'e told me that it was a
case o' givin' it ropo. ' It '11 be all right, Clarke,' 'o says, ' if you let it go. After shavin' the lip for a few years the 'air
always comes a bit stubborn-liko, but if you let Nachure take its course, it'll smooth down an' lie flat, an' there
you are.' Ho said, did Colours, that I had tons o' seed, and as soon as the crop got a decent length it would soften up
an' be a credit to th' comp'ny.
" \\t-ll, when we gets over th' water, the first time I had a chance of lookin* at myself in a glass I sees that
tli' ol' moustache is doin' great. An', Sir, in five weeks it was a-curlin' round into proper formation, as you might
say, an' I could twis' th' ends up, an' there wasn' one of our orficers what had a better kiss-me-quick nor
what I had. So I writes home to my girl, tellin' her th' news, an' promisin' t' have my photo took 'at the firs'
opportunity. You may laugh, Sir, but when a girl 'as set her heart on anythink like a moustache she '11 have, it, no
matter what Imppens !
" Well, 1 goes on with th' trainin' of it, an' I ain't ashamed t' say that there wasn' a better moustache
in our Brigade! An' then, jus' as I'd about decided that I was prepared t' face the beautyscope, an' git a picture
took, them bloomin' "Uns enfiladed our line o' trenches one mornin', an' knocks me head over heels. That was
nothink, as you might say ; but, when the bearer-party picks me up, one of our drummers says, ' Your moustache
'as disappeared, Clarkey, ol' sport ! '
"I puts my hand up to my mouth, what feels a bit sore an' cold, an' blow me if half my top lip ain't gone!
My teeth was there all right enough, but half the lip had gone. Oh yes, they've patched it up all right, but
they had to take a bit o' stuff off my shoulder to do it, an' nothink won't ever grow on that. At leas' that 's
what the B.A.M.C. officer said. Now ain't that enough to break a man's 'eart ? Ain't it, Sir?"
I said that it was hard lines, but he might have lost worse than a moustache.
"I've no doubt you mean well, Sir, but you ain't married, lean see. You ain't nobody's 'usband. You ain't
even nobody's fioncy ! An arm or a leg, now — well, that 's on'y a regrettable incident, as you might say, but
to lose your only moustache, after all the trouble o' bringin' it up in the way it should go, after greasin' it with
vaseh'ne an' wipin' your mouth after ev'ry mouthful o' corfee, an' takin' care ev'ry time you lights a fag why,
I 'd twice as soon 'ave 'ad my 'ead off, an' chance it ! "
Everywhere the same story— grumbling (or, in their own charming argot, "grousin"') about trifles like
a lost pipe, ' and making child's play of injuries little less than fatal. If you doubt my word, load yourself
up with cigarettes, bar-chocolate, and illustrated papers, and turn into the first military hospital you find, and
you shall understand why Mr. Punch was right in calling them "The Incorrigibles," God bless 'em!
By the way, talking of Mr. Punch, I think I must have seen him that day at the hospital. For I noticed
a venerable gentleman with a hump at his back handing a book to one of the Bed Cross nurses. He had a
brave smils,. though his mouth twitched a little, and I overheard him say, " This" is a little present, my dear
young lady, for your gallant patients; and I hope they'll find some of my love for them in its pa«es." And
when he had gone I looked to see the name of the book; and it was Mr. Punch's
wtirrrtr anir
JUNE 30, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
519
PARTRIDGE, BERNARD.
As Between Friends 11
Awakening (The) 831
Canada I 351
Cheerful Giver (A) '.'. '.'. 371
Enemy's Ally (The) 291
England's Ideal in War-Time? 231
Euphemists (The)
Flight that Failed (The) 71
Haunted Ship (The) 251
New Capitalist (The) 511
Outcast (The) Ill
Queen Elizabeth enters the Dar-
danelles 211
Rejected Addresses 311
ADAMS, C. J.
Field Service Postcard (A) lo
AlTKEX, J. K.
Stamps of Fortune (The) 424, 446
ANSTEY, F.
in Quaintest Clnennluul 100
BAYLINS, FRED. \V.
Khaki Wedding (The) 4R7
Teuton Tragedy (A) 229
BEU., HKNIIY
Gliiekliche Hampstadt 258
UEKKEI.EY, REGINALD
Stints of tin- Empire 4Q8
BlRHEI,!,, S. E.
Prelude (A) ng
Bl.AIKLEY, MlSS E. C.
Bombsters (The) 482
BRIO imv ELL, L. R.
A* lietween Terriers 507
Furtlier Notes by a War ling 18
Lo Dernier Cri 01}
Bi;o\vx. (J. llii.Tos
Cud's Alllii-ted 104
Woods of Frame (The) 490
CHALMERS, l>. K.
" I mage of War "(The) 30
CHOLMLEY, (JUY H.
sr. Valentine's Day, 1915 114
C'I.AKK, DUDLEY
Cti;ilk ami Flint 120
For Dartymoor 355
COBB, Miss JOYCE
Singing Refugee (A) 185
INS, <;. H.
To Hi" rowers of Darkness SO'2
Winds tn ;i War li;tbe yjo
CKESWKI.L, II. H.
HHW I C.ui-lit Edward 485
S";i Change of Mind (A) 435
DARK. RICHARD
An, -in IM-.Maii Venus (An) 36S
(iirl II,. ].,.ft Behind Him (The) .. 146
Labyrinth (The) 298
Cartoons.
Return of Ulysses (The) 491
Reversion (The) 271
Running Amok 151
Soldiers All 191
Some Bird 471
" Sound and Fury " 131
Two-Handed Sword (The) 430, 431
Wanted a Lead 411
Whitewashers (The) 51
Who Forbids the Bands? 91
Wilful Murder 3!M
William o1 the Wisp 171
Word Lord (The) 451
RAVEX-HlLL, L.
Awful Warning (An) 43
Brazen Band (A) 218
Bread-Winner (The) 163
Breaking of the Spell (The) 28
Delivering the Goods 303
Dissemblent (The) 63
Dogs of W*r (The) 443
Elixir of Hate ( The) 343
God in the Cart (The) 3
Great Nival Triumph (A) 263
Great Tradition (A) 403
Hamlet, (J.RA. 3R3
Injured Innocence 483
lu the Eastern Arena . . 503
Articles.
Naval Engaiement (A) ............ 218
Plaint of a British Dachshund (The) 1ft!
Poultry and the War
Question of Tactics (A) .......... 71
Trans|K>rt Solution (The) .......... 278
DRRXXAX, MAX
Meditations of Marcus O'Reilly .. 442
DREXNAN, W. ST. G.
Ballymurky Contingent (The) ____ 58
Bombs .......................... 40il
Jimmy .......................... 2ol
On the Spy-Trail ...... 66, SB, 273, 3M,
391), 448, 508
Pests ............................ 209
DUPFIELD, E. N.
Incorrigibles in Hospital (The) .. 517
EcKERSLEY, ARTHUR
Celtic Review (The) .............. 169
Great Peace of H>20 (Tin.) ........ 342
Indian Intelligence .............. 34
Inward Movement in Drama (The) 293
Making an Exhibition of Them-
selves .......................... IPS
Our War Birds .................. 285
Tale that took the Wrong Turning
(The) .......................... 236
KDEX, Mrs.
A rs 1 in mi, i tail's .................. 187
ELIAS, FRANK
British Army (The) .............. 62
English Lines for Enemy Calendars 21
Fleet Visions seen through German
Eyes .......................... ]07
Letters to Vou Tirpitz ............ 175
March Airs ...................... tjs
Military (Questions and Answers .. 229
New Papers ...................... 267
EMAXUEL, WALTER
Charivaria .................... weekly
FOKSTEII, R. H.
Kaiser's Lost Chance (The) ........ 2
FOWLER, P. A.
Esnvralda ...................... 443
Sad Case of Sebastian Piluing (The) 49
FREEMAN, W.
Defence of Amberra Parva (The) . . 13
M ill li us 426
Tourist (The) 25
GAUVEY. Miss I.
Blanche's Letters 168, 283, 3S8, 503
GlI.LESl'lE, A. B.
Happy Warriors (The) 20(J
GlTTIXS, H. N.
Hot Water 10S
Short and Sweet 398
G HAVES, C. L.
Beasts and Superbeasts 89
Commercial Mo lesty 505
Crank's Complaint (The) 87
Dawn 2!'3
Enemy in our Midst (The) 428
His one Grief 4)17
In Praise of the Taps 410
Johnson 110
Litest Irish Grievance (The) (i'J
laughter and Death 278
Letters to Hauptinann 28
Lines on a Recent Corn-spun lence 276
Notes on News 1
Organist (Th«) 45
Oxford in War Time 127
Rest Cure (The) 487
Sir Svi-!i Hedin 170
Sufferings of Shaw (The) 2'.'.r,
To some of our Editors IS
Total Prohibition of Adjectives .. 315
War Cure (The) 158
GRAVES, C. L., AND LUCAS, E. V.
Betes Noires 215
By the Sea 57
Cheery Dogs (The) Ill)
Cold Cure (Tha) 2">7
English Men of Letters 188
Error (The) 57
Essay in Criticism (An) 137
Essex Tale (An) 336
Ever-Alert (The) 335
Everybody who is Anybody .. .. 205
Five Stages of Table Talk (Hie) .. 348
Flat-Hunter (The) 196
" In the 8( rinj a Young Man's
Fancy " 323
On the Black List 403
On the Fence 203
On with the New Hate 363
Painful Reflection (A) 383
Reinforced Concrete 423
Resourceful Lover (The) 123
Return of the Raider (The) 83
Riddle of the Sands (The) 103
Riders of the Wind 143
Sultan "Over the Water "(The) .. 183
Vicarious Generosity 223
TOWN.SEND, F. H.
For the Wounded 277
Improving the Occasion 455
In Place of 287
Lactaqtteotis Lispingg 889
Looking Forward 198
Magic Word (The) 166
Martial Muse (The) 170
Martyr (The) 150
More Tea-time Gossip 387
Moses 486
My Criminal 347
My Ewe Lion 88
New Reign of Terror (A) 445
One of our Candid Friends 233
Our Country's Loss 427
Our Personal Column ISO
Overwork 90
Perfect letter Writer (The) 395
Racing and War 210
Reason (The) 7
Recessional 409
Repentance 454
liest Cures 314
Scapegoat (The) 14
Some New War Books 329
Susie (fame (The) 234
Tale of a Tonic (The) 475
Triple Handicap (The) 378
Turns of the Day . 05
U 29 268
World's Loss (The) . . . . 367
G HOC AN, W. E.
Portsmouth Bolls 215
GUEST, C. L.
War Time Vignettes 296
HODOKINSOX, T.
Balm Abounding 834
Fish Story (A) 470
Ijist Fight of All (The) 65
More Thoroughness 288
More Work for Women 275
Plea for Keprieve (A) i:,5
Temporary Suspension (A) 227
To a German Geographer . .36
HOSKEN, J. F.
Bridge Builders (The! 328
In the Matter of a Commission 262
Manual Exercises 509
520
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI^
[JUNE 30, 1915.
Articles — continued.
un
Our Wl.it.-mi Camp
Overcrowding in the I:
!
KM
422
ks 148
m
22S
Spy Hash
UUof the liitle(The)
JKNKINS, KKNF.ST
Account lii'ii'lfi'-'l 7
Fish Famine (The)
Isle of Was (The) 1*7
Moral Scoop (A) 22
Price (The) 1^'
Prices as Usual 2i5
Soldier's Coat (The) 136
Undesirable FOB*. 386
Vnlikely Duke (T>»<> 9
Unusual Business in the Copse 882
JOHNSTON, LIEUT. ALEC
At the Front 205, 375, I
From the Back of the Front 9, 157. 'M.\
KIDD, ARTHUR
Amateur Policeman (The) 93
Hells of Berlin (The) «-'
How News is " Made in Germany " 196
My Lady's Garden 514
Pig Iron in their Soul (The) 238
LANCLEY, LIEUT. F. 0.
Watch Dogs (The) . . . .36, 125, 226, 256,
286, 808, 845, 385, 405, 449, 466, 504
LEGAUD, J. F.
War News from Italy 248
LEHMANN, R. C.
Committees 356
Diner du Kaiser 8
Drill Book (The) 302
Encounter (The) 408
Entertainers (The) 56
Epistolary French 276
FooUnanry 416
Lady Tu-Ti 425
Moral Good 476
Passport (The) 122
Uniform (The) 238
Unwritten Letters to the Kaiser 22, 7ii,
142, 182, 202. 242, 2S2,
322, 362, 398, 458 502
Volunteers (The) 98
Wool-Winder (The) 176
LOCKKU, W. A.
At the Play 816, 457, 478, 4%
Cat i' tir Adage (The) 188
LtrcAS, K. V.
At 111.- l'l:iv Sf.S
Hymn of Eight (The) 156
Onrbwrd Brory wban 54
I, IVY, llKNKV
Essence ol P-.irliamenl. .. weekly
during S. sMon
Lri.iiAM, II.
Reverses 116
MAIISIIALL, .1.
Duration of the 1'eace (The) 294
MAKTIN, N. K.
Food Problem (The) 75
Fri^litl'ulness 167
Paying Guests 6
Why Henry Went 370
McKAY, HEllI'.KKT
Lissue 367
Tramp Juggler (A) 365
Unbelling a Mouse 401
Zeppelin Drill 87
McMASTElt, B.
Boat Race Day, 1!>15 256
MELVIN, H. E.
liirds of St. James's (The) 250
Punch in Hampstead 369
MILNE, LIEUT. A. A.
At the Play 118
As We Hate it 68
Eleven Seconds 8
Getting a Move on 348
Last Line (The) 26
Letter to the Front (A) 88
Recruiter (The) 46
Select Conversations 10S
Waiting for More 408
Way We Have (A) 245
What I Deduced 128
MYERS, M.
Genuine Antique (A) 2!)4
NAISMITH, Miss
North Country Deal (A) 253
NAISMITH, J. B.
Field Kit Allowance i 434
PHELI*, Miss
Terrorist (The) 336
FINCH, 0. T.
Keen-It-Dark City (The) 137
PHTMIIE, C. CoSWAY
Chimney Sweep for England (A) . . 255
From Home to the Trenches 396
John Smith to Johann Schmidt . . 28
Soldifi '» England (The)
Starling (The)
I'OPE, Miss JKSSIK
Common Enemy (A)
Deportment for Women
My Dinner Dress
Wise Thrush (The)
POWELL, G. H.
" Satires of Circumstance "
RionY, REGINALD
Broken Melodies
Many a Slip
Means of Communication
Patriotic Aims
Itoad to Berlin (The)
BlTTENBEKG, MAX
Diplomacy
Our First Capture
SCOTT, J.
Thousand Strong (A)
SEAMAN, OWEN
Altruists (The)
At the Play . . 18, 78, 138, 25s, :uo,
376, 418, 45B, 478, 496,
Bernhardi's Apologia
Blood-Guilt
Cases Reserved
Epsom and Ascot Brigade (The) . .
Errors of Omniscience (The)
Flaw in the Enemy's Armour (A)..
For Home and Beauty
From the Neutral Nations
Gods of Germany (The)
Green-Eycd Monster (The)
Liberty : The False and the True . .
Mark of the Beast (The)
Of Gases
Moses II
Murderers (The)
"Punch" in the Enemy's Trenches
Rome's Delays
Sorrows of the Sultan (The)
To a Minstrel gone to the Wars
To Belgium in Exile
To Certain German Professors of
Chemics
To English Gentlemen at Home . .
To ' ' General Janvier "
To One Who Takes his Ease
SELIGMAN, Miss
War Etiquette
SMART, H. C.
English Conversations for German
Raiders
How to deal with Submarines
103
436
300
48
207
356
419
117
270
177
29
247
26
16
81
202
338,
515
242
202
402
18-2
:i02
142
1)02
2
122
2S2
422
102
481
82
62
22
222
102
442
382
.'112
222
42
605
SMITH, BERTRAM
Col lector (The) 136
Cupper 235
Donations Invited 197
Germany's War Strength 82
Mrn.'iee of Peace (The) 155
lied Cross Cow (The) 809
W;ir Compunction 85
Water War (The) 206
Weekly Elucidation (The) 402
SMITH, Miss 0. Fox
Lowland Sea (The) 108
North Sea Ground (The) 230
" Orion's" Figurehead at Whitehall
(The) 330
Younger Son (The) 458
SMITH, E. B.
Recruiting Eye (The) 488
STEUNE, ASHLEY
Forced March (A) 42
Jones — Super-Patriot 437
Raising the Wind 222
Renaming a Rose 307
Special Detect! ve (The) 349
SYKES, A. A.
llunnish 328
TEWAHT, A. PKESTON
Alonzo 28
Yuxsuf 96
THOMAS, !<'. S.
As Good as a M ile 67
CatofWar(A) 186
Tuoiioi.n, R. A.
Breaking Point (The) 76
Dyspeptic's Dilemma (The) 318
TKUSCOTT, PAP.UY
New Order (The) 21S
Sacrifice (The) 47
VAIZEY, Miss.
Lonely Soldier (The) 156
WESTLAND, Miss
Invasion (The) 48
WHITE, R. F.
Territorial in India (A) . . 53, 69, SI4, 1 15,
135, 206, 360, 438
WHITMAKSH, F. J.
Bard of the Basement (A) 190
WlIK'OMBE, J. S.
Note on Nurses (A) 154
WlLKES, H. E.
Sensitive (The) 433
WOLFE, Mu-s.
Colour-Cure ... . . 268
Pictures and Sketches.
ABMOUB, MAJOR G. D. . . 15, 39, 59, 79
115, 139, 159, 179, 190, 219, 23Y,
279, 299, 339, 359, 379, 395, 439,
475, 499, 509
BARKER, NUGENT
BAUMEB, LEWIS . . 77, 90, 105, 130, 149,
230, 250, 290, 310, 327, 350, 390,
450, 470, 490,
BELCHER, GEORGE 93, 119, 199, 209,
305, 369, 407,
BIBD, W 14, 17, 214, 274, 281.
BOWRING, W. A
BRIGHTWELL, L. R 126, 246
BRIBCOE, E. E
BBOOK, RICABDO . . 34, 94, 121, 136, 196,
241, 266, 286, 320, SCO, 386, 406,
466
BUCHANAN, FRED
BULL, RENE
CAMPBELL. CAPT. D
COBB, Miss RUTH
COWHAM, Miss H
DOWD, J. H
EVANS, TREYER
FBASEK, P 100, 160, 206, 254, 346
GERMAN, DICK
GHILCHIK, DAVID L
GRAVE, CHARLES 57, 95, 120, 154,
247, 847, 381
HARRISON, CHARLES . .66, 160, 226, 341
HABKLDEN, W. K.. .18, 78, 118, 138, 258,
338, 376, 418, 45«, 478
HENRY, THOMAS 297, 301
HICKLINO, P. B
HOGGAKTH, GRAHAM
JENNIS, G 7
KING, GUNNING 50
,99,
259,
459,
294
210,
435,
510
285,
497
314
394
380
.441
216,
446,
,481
239
135
195
234
6
74
30
, 426
54
240
175,
,495
,506
316,
,496
, 375
53
300
,334
, 414
LLOYD, A. \V. 373, 393, 413, 434, 453, 473, 493,
513
Low, HARRY 366, 486
LUNT, WILMOT 146, 186
MAYBANK, THOMAS 107, 275, 387, 477
MILLS, A. WALLIS . . 19, 27, 49, 70, 114, 155,
167, 215, 255, 267, 293, 319, 325, 355,
307, 399, 401, 428, 454, 479, 501
MORROW, EDWIN 461
MORROW, GEORGE 20, 40, CO, 80, 87, 101,
140, 145, 180, 200, 220, 233, 257, 280,
340, 353, 377, 397, 420, 440, 460, 480,
500, 516
MORROW, NORMAN 201
NOBLE, ERNEST 81 , 306
NORRIS, A 141, 181, 201
PARTRIDGE, BERNARD 1
PEGRAM, FRED G9, 273, 321
RAVEN-HILL, L. . .10, 67, 157, 177, 227, 335,
515, 518
REYNOLDS, FRANK 33, 97, 134, 150,
169, 187, 217, 229, 245, 270, 289, 330,
357, 389, 427, 457, 489, 507
ROUNTREE, HARRY 35, 109, 194, 317, 487
SHAW, BYAM 61, 415
SHEPAUD, E. H 21, 37, 41, 89, 189, 374,
405, 433, 514
SHEPPERSON, C. A. . . 9, 45, 73, 117, 125, 170,
185, 225, 253, 265, 309, 329, 349, 370,
410, 425, 449, 474
SIMMONS, GRAHAM 260
SMITH, A. T 320, 354, 455
STAMPA, G. L. 13, 75, 110, 129, 147, 161, 174,
197, 207, 235, 2G9, 295, 315, 337, 417,
447, 4G9, 494
THOMAS, BERT 55, 467
THORPE, J. H 29, 127
TOWNSEND, F. H...5, 25, 47, 65, 85, 100, 113,
133, 137, 153, 173, 193, 205, 213, 221,
249, 287, 307, 313, 333, 345, 301, 365,
385, 409, 437, 445, 405, 485, 505
WlLLMORE, A 421
WILSON, DAVID 165, 419
WINGET, JOHN 86
:;* it, OR TUB LONDON CHARIVARI, DKCKMHER 29, 1915.
PUNCH
Vol. CXLIX.
JULY— DECEMBER, 1915.
PUNCH, OK TMK LONDON CIIAKIVAKT, DUXKMIIBK 29, 1915.
CXLIX.
LONDON:
PUBLISHED AT THE OFFICE, 10, BOUVERIE STREET,
AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS.
TL.VCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, DECEMBER 29, 1915.
Bradbury, Agnew & Co.,
Printers,
London and Tonbridge.
1
r
1915
PUNCH OFFICE
LONDON
SUMMER
NUMBER
PRICE
SIXPENCE
PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHAK1VAK1.— JULY 7, 1915.
his "Rilctte1 picture, "A Symphony in Smoke," on art paper 15 ins. by 10 ins., will be sent free to any smoker forwarding to MESSRS
. MILLHOFF & CO., LTD., (Dept. 7), 86, Piccadilly, London, W., a " DC Reszke " Box lid and zd. in stamps, mentioning Picture No. 28. Previous
** "
This "
J.
. .
pictures on same terms, viz. : a box lid and id. fur each picture required. Please mention picture number when sending. ** De Reszke" Cigarettes
To ** De Reszke Smokers only are sold bv all Tobacconists and Stores, or may be obtained from the above address.
A pretty, piquante, pouting pet
Who likes to muse and take her ease ;
She loves to smoke a cigarette,
To idly dream in hammockette,
And sing and swing beneath the trees-
A lazy, laughing, lissom pet !
Her charm one never can forget,
Her eyes are blue as summer seas,
Or azure rings of cigarette :
As calm as babe in bassinette,
She basks there in the balmy breeze,
A dainty, dimpled, darling pet !
n
She tries to read a novelette,
Her parasol is Japanese,
' De Reszke ' is her cigarette :
She likes a fume without a fret, '
Her blouse is white, her frock cerise —
A saucy, sunny, smiling pet !
She almost goes to sleep, and yet,
Though lulled by booming honey-bees,
She keeps alight her cigarette.
A winsome, clever, cool coquette,
Who flouts all Grundian decrees —
A graceful, girlish, gleeful pet !
J. ASHBY-STERRY.
<-**{ tJifiSo/ne fjft&f*. cvo/
JULY 7, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
DEVON MEN.
FKOM Bideford to Appledore tlie meadows lie aglow
With kingcup and buttercup that flout the summer snow;
And crooked-hack and silver-head shall mow the grass
to-day,
And lasses turn and toss it till it ripen into hay;
For. gone are all the careless youth did reap the land of
yore,
The lithe men and long men,
The hrown men and strong men,
The men that hie from Bideford and ruddy Appledore.
From Bidefonl and Appledore they swept the sea of old
With cross-bow and falconet to tap the Spaniard's gold ;
They sped away with dauntless DUAKE to traffic on the
Main,
To trick the drowsy galleon and loot the treasure train ;
For fearless were the gallant bauds that pulled the sweeping
oar,
The strong rnen, the free men,
The bold men, the seamen,
The men that sailed from Bideford and ruddy Appledore.
From Bideford and Appledore in craft of subtle grey
Are strong hearts and steady hearts to keep the sea
to-day ;
So well may fare the garden where the cider-apples bloom
And Summer weaves her colour-threads upon a golden
loom ;
For ready are the tawny hands that guard the Devon shore,
The cool men, the bluff men,
The keen men, the tough men,
The men that hie from Bideford and ruddy Appledore !
vor,.
PUNCH, OR TJIK LONDON CHARIVARI.
7, 1913.
TRAINED VOLUNTEERS AND THE REGISTER.
(To certain responsible people.)
WHEN from a ten months' sleep you wake
To find that \vo'\o a war on hand,
And fool tho tinio has como to take
A Register of all tho land;
To ask about our names an.l ages
And who tho persons are \vho pay our wages ;
Whether in single bliss we live
Or bear tho weight of wedlock's chains:
What leisure hours wo have to give,
What skill of eye or brawn or brains
To put at England's service, please,
If uho should ask us on her bended kne^s ;
You'll hoar •with nicely feigned surprise
That you have had, this six mouths long,
Unnoticed by official eyes,
An army half-a-million strong
Begging for leave to do its bit
And getting for its pains the frozen in it.
Spurning delights of ease and sport
They plead to serve some humble use,
To guard a line, to man a fort,
Letting our younger warriors loose,
And earn the right to have a pitch
Allotted to them iu the final ditch.
And when at last you come and say :
"What can you do? We ask for light
On any service you can pay,"
The answer is : " You know all right,
And all this weary while you knew it ;
The trouble was you wouldn't let us do it."
___ 0. S.
SQUAD DRILL WITH RESPIRATORS.
WE have much pleasure in favouring our readers with
the new instructions, which are shortly to be embodied in
the Manual of Anti-Zepptic Training. For drill purposes
the important word will be shortened to " Praters."
GENERAL RULES.
1. Recruits, before they commence the respirator ex-
ercises, are to be taught the names of the different parts
of the appliance and the care of pads and sponge-bags.
2. Drill with respirators should be practised occasionally
in extended order, i.e., up and down stairs and round
unlikely corners, to accustom recruits to hold their noses
steadily and breathe correctly when separated from their
comrades.
3. The recruit, having been thoroughly instructed in the
respirator exorcises by numbers, as shown in the following
sections, will be taught to perform them in quick time
with a pause of one beat between each motion.
FALLING IN WITH RESPIRATORS AT THE ORDER.
The recruits will fall in in the front hall, should there be
one in tho house, dressing by and numbering from the
right, tho mistress or governess (if any) being right marker
and the butler or cook (also if any) marking on the left
Nur.ses with babies in arms will act as supernumeraries ii
the rear and will not form fours or carry their infants a
the trail.
Each recruit will hold his respirator between the righ
first finger and thumb, with the two middle fingers extendei
uid the little finger at an angle of forty-five degrees from
lie rest, the back of the hand being upwards and the arm
lightly bent, with the elbow against tho side. The left
land will hang perpendicularly, thumb against the thigh,
ingers together and slanting towards the ground. 'When
>ach man (woman or child) has got his dressing he will
tand at ease.
THE SLOPE I-'I«>M THE OKUKU.
Slope Praters— One.
(live the respirator a cant upwards \\ith the right hand,
atching the muz/le with the left hand, hack of the hand
o the left, elbow to the rear.
Two.
Cut away the right hand to the side.
To Fix RusriHAToiis FROM THE SLOPE.
Fix Prators— One.
Seize the righl-hand string of the respirator with the
•ight hand, knuckles to the front; at the same time push
lie muz/le of the respirator sharply forward and turn the
icad a7id eyes to the right, the right-hand man looking to
he left.
Two.
Taking the time from the right-hand man, raise the
nuzzle of the respirator to the level of the face, pressing it
lome on the nose, open the mouth live-eighths of an inch,
ips pointing outwards, and take a deep breath. Body and
lead to be erect.
Three.
Tie the strings behind the back of the head on a level
with the eyes, turning the head and eyes to the front.
Foui-.
Cut away both hands to the sides.
Note. — On the word Fix, the right-hand man of the unit
will take three paces forward, resuming his place in line
when the fourth motion is completed.
To UNFIX RESPIRATORS.
Unfix Prators- One.
Keeping the heels closed, place the head between the
knees, muzzle downwards, and grasp the strings of the
respirator with the thumb and fore-finger of each hand,
keeping the little finger erect.
Two.
Taking the time from the left-hand man, untie the
strings of the respirator, and with the right hand disengage
the muzzle from the nose.
Three.
Extricate the head from between the knees, cut away the
left hand to the side, and return to the order. ZIGZAG.
Impending Apologies.
I. To Sir Edward Grey.
" Published in T/ausanne by Payot and Company, the book .
already appeared in French. An Knglish translation has, we
stand," been prepared for the use of our Foreign Office."
Daily Clti'vi
II. To the Cape Mounted Police.
" As one observer put it, it was generally a case of ' one fool
ing another.' Whenever a body of mounted police wan seen im
along a crowd of nondescripts immediately pursued." — Cnpe '!',
. . lias
under-
follow-
an-lung
imes.
"When O'Leary stepped from the train he was received by the
Lord Mayor, who shook him warmly by the hand, and in a few words
cordially welcomed his back to Cork." — Glasgow News.
Cork might well be proud of seeing something that Sergeant
O'LEAHY V.C. had never shown to the Germans.
ITNOH. OR THF, LONDON CIIAIUVAIU. .Tn.v 7, 1915.
READY AND WAITING.
MKMBKR OF VOM-VTKKR TRAINING CORPS (to President of Local Government Boartl). "WHAT CAN I DO?
I'M C?LAD THEY'VE ASKED ME THAT AT LAST. I SHALL TELL THEM I'M ONE
OF HALF-A MTU/ION VOLUNTEER SOLDIERS WHO'VE BEEN WAITING FOE A JOB 10R
THi; LAST SIX MONTHS."
JULY 7, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR TUB LONDON CIIAULVAUI.
Tommy. "WHY, IN MY BIT OF THE LINE THE TRENCHES WAS
TI-HNS AT THE LOOPHOLES!"
SO NEAR THAT BOTH SIDSS USED THE SAME PARAPET AND TOOK
CHARIVARIA.
THE Canadian troops have fought
with such magnificent gallantry in the
War that it is good to know that, as !
regards their own country, they will .
not have fought in vain. It is the
Titgliche Rundschau which sends the
glad tidings. " Canadians as a whole,"
says this paper, " have given such proof
of bitter animosity to Germany that
they must not he surprised if henceforth
every effort is made to prevent the
further influx into their land of the
virile stream of German manhood."
"ENEMY FLUNG BACK IN GALICIA," :
announced a newspaper the other day.
We trust that no unnecessary violence
was used. ... ...
The Queen of SWEDEN, who was in
Karlsruhe at the time of its bombing
is said to he returning to Stockholm.
There's really no place like home —
for neutrals. ^ ...
" Shell-making at School " has been
hailed as an innovation by several
newspapers. As a matter of fact many
public schools have had a Shell class
for years and years.
"The feeling against Germany and!
everything German is much stronger
here than most English people imagine,"
writes a Paris correspondent in The
Observer. " No shopkeeper dares now
inscribe ' Mann spricht deutsche ' on
his window." It must have bacn-a
very bold shopkeeper who dared do it
even before the War.
# *
"BIG PALLS IN LEADING COPPERS."
Daily Chronicle.
We are relieved to hear that Sir
EDWARD HENRY was not involved.
« ••:•
4
The Daily Mail publishes a photo-
graph, taken in a Lancashire town, of
five clergymen making munitions. It
should now be possible to solve the
interesting and much debated question
as to what a clergyman says when he
hits his thumb with a hammer.
A Daily Express correspondent who j
has been paying a secret visit to Con-
stantinople reports that the German '
officers there, in order to be understood
by the Turks, have to speak French.
The dignified inhabitants, unlike their
masters, refuse to talk Bosch.
ladies in order to appear the more fit
for active work intend to give their
ages in the National Register form as
less than they actually are.
*
German reports from Lemberg say
that the Russian administration of the
town was splendid. The population
were treated well, and the public build-
ings, museum and galleries were left
in perfect order, the Russians paying
all official salaries and other expenses.
Not so bad for a people who have never
enjoyed the advantages of Kultur !
''.- •+
*
At the Court of Common Council,
last week, the City Remembrancer was
asked where persons working in the
City would be registered, and he
answered that those who slept outside
the City would be registered in their
own districts, and only those who slept
within the confines of the City would
be registered in the City. The City
Remembrancer himself will presumably
not be registered anywhere, for we
imagine that Remembrancers have to
sit up all day and all night, note-book
in hand, remembering things.
No, the name of the person is
Bravo, fair sex! We hear that many! Ginnell, not Ginnelheimer.
1TNCH, Oil THE LONDON CIIAlilVART.
[JULY 7, 1913.
AT THE FRONT.
WF have come to the conchi-ion that
'he people who arrange the battles have
decided that their atlitude to us is to
be one of attempted trightfulness.
Whereas other regiments enjoy all the
amenities of peaceful trench lite, with,
say, a battle on every third Thursday,
wo arc continually threatened with
some fresh and frightful prospect which
never materialises. Jn fact, we are
disappointed.
next
r-J'.llisunk this morning. A. A. A. Your
attack postponed indefinitely. Ends." j
And then everything continues very;
"
quiet,
Sometimes they turn us out at dead
of night and ship us to some forlorn
hit of line, pleasant only in the forget-
ting, and assure us that we shall till ho
dead in two hours, and that the old
country is already proud of us. The
beginning of the third hour find.* the
mess president still pillaging Belgium
for something t > fry eggs in. Th
evening sees us re-entraining for
France, billets and security,
with nothing more glorious to
carry back than a sleepy sur-
mise that the old country must j
have reconsidered her decision i
just in time.
Sometimes again they think
out for us a highly unfortified
attack on a highly fortified
position. Then the General, or
the General's General, sends for
company commanders — at least
it gets to them eventually, pos-
sibly by indirect fire — and ex-
horts them with cheerful words,
such as, " On the afternoon of
to-morrow, Friday, the 17th
inst., you will spring lightly over
your parapet and take the enemy 's.firs.t
lino trenches, second line trenches,
third line trenches, fourth line trenches,
machine guns, communications, keeps,
small arm ammunition, large arm
ammunition, guns, transport, strategic
railways, and personnel. You will send
the KAISEU to Belgian G.H.Q. and hand
over LITTLE WILLIK to your battalion
sergeant-major to birch severely."
We spend the night working up a
deuce of a hate, and cutting great chunks
out of our barbed wire. Some of the
officers even havo their rifles cleaned,
and when dawn arrives tho Bosch is
frightened out of his life by the strange
music of our men grinding their
bayonets on their teeth — an old and
little known army custom always ob-
served on the morning bafore an attack.
Then at last, as we are finishing a
frugal ration of lunch tongue and
apricots and cream, touching up our
wills, and writing home assurances that
everything continues very quiet, a I'o.im-
ing signaller dashes up to the ine.ss hut
and falls in a dead faint in the acl ol
delivering the in -ssagr. "Submarine
and wo are left wondering i
whether there is a strategical connec-
tion between l;2!)(i and our attack,
<ir whether Mr. Bu.i-'oru just wired
the news out of pure goodness of heart.
Alter they had played the attack
game often enough to impel tho two
senior Captains to tell some of our load-
ing Generals not to bo silly, they
moved us off hero as a punishment
for not taking our attacks seriously.
••Hero" is tho seat of the original
Flanders frightfulness. The Bosch has
done all his best turns; ho gassed us
the second night in, and he shells our
support line with enormous missiles for
ono half of every day. But as we got
warning of the gas half-an-hour before
it arrived, and as the support line he
"THERE s NO DOIS NOTHINK WITH
SHARES W THAT THEHK WAB LbAS ! "
Flanders, not a form for claiming a
rebate in respect of unmarried grand-
children. A 8 f vi. is not really occu-
pied. When tho young batteries have
finished wo build it up again with one
row of sandbags. It is awful to think
what would be the effect on our iiutnil
if they one day blew in A 8 f vii. by
accident.
2 — 5 i'.ir. — Teuto-Britannic aviation
sports. (Observe that the Britannic
comes after the Teuto, as is always the
c.ise, but tho Teuto usually gets away.)
(j — 10 P.M. lt.-i-li(ii/lic- of odd shells,
usually distributed neatly along ro:;ds :
a few get tired on the way and try to
drop in on us. But they can never
remember the exact way, so we have
to go out and bring them in, quite
broken up.
Koine day no doubt wo are bound to
get involved in this war they talk so
much about in the illustrated
papers. Some day we shall
emerge glorious with full packs,
mess-tins, blankets, and other
appurtenances of famous attacks
(c. contemporaries) and with
our names once more on the
— well, whatever it is one writes
one's name c.n in such circum-
stances. But at the moment
it's weeks and weeks since we
did as much as a bayonet charge.
Wanted, a Deus ex Machina.
" Existing firms were not, delivering
gods up to promise because they hd
machines which they could not num."
Yorkshire Evening I'ost.
shells is, like the equator, imaginary,
we are not yet wipsd. oiit,.though the
brigades and divisions and army corps
to left and right are worried a little
with tho splinters of the shells droppjd
in our sector. We are now quite
settled into our new war; the daily
round, the common task is like this,
and it never varies : —
0.5 A.M. — B 18's bomb-blunderbuss
frightens German listening post.
0.30 A.M.— Battery of Little Willies
sends its four short and two over,
under delusion that we are B 18. (We
are A 8).
3.30 A.M. — Battery Commander of
German heavies (left rear of Hill 2493),
ie' urncHl by theatre train from Brussels,
orders test mobilization of battery. 1
and 4 are always short, 3, 5 and G
apparently laid, with devilish ingenuity,
to ensure enfilade effect on imaginary
support line. Something will have to
ba done about 2 ; it is nothing short of
a public danger, and might well bo
made the ground of a- conference.
10 —11 A.M.- -Thre > young batteries
blow in A 8 f vi. this is a trench in
"According to information received, the
Headquarters of the German Army has pnh-
lished a statement declaring that Kussian
prisoners found in possession of dum-duin
mullets or other projectiles of a like nature
will not be considered as prisoners of war, but
will be shot on the spot." — Kvening Kelt's.
But the Germans themselves do not.
come into court with clean hands in
this fishy matter. Witness the follow-
ing,, from a description of the attack of
one of their submarines on a French
grain ship under tow : — •
"The tug was attacked with a hail of mullets,
but it and the grain ship both escaped."
Miinchi'.itcr F.reni.uj News.
It does not actually say that they were
duin-dum mullets, but this iish is
notoriously soft-nosed.
From an article on Lord KITCH-
EN KR: — •
" ] 1 is sole departure from the Spartan habits
of eating and drinking and sleeping, learnt on
his. earliest campaigns, takes the form of au
occasional cigar after lunch or dinner."
J >ail if Chronicle.
Most of us acquired at an even earlier
period tho habits of eating aad drink-
ing and sleeping.
.In.v 7, I'.II.V
PUNCH,
TIIK LONDON < 'IIAI!I YAIM.
ASSISTING NATURE.
"COME by the 9.30 to-morrow morn-
ing," said the voice of .Macvicar, at the
country end of fifteen miles of tele-
phone. "Small Loo hie ven flies will do."
"Delighted," I answered. " [ '11 bring
plenty of san<l\viches and a flask."
"The flask- by all means," .Macvicar
murmured; "hut don't bother about
lood. We'll stroll homo to luncli,
and tea, too, if you like. I bad a
:I.l -pounder this morning, a grand
fish."
( Her an aged fly-book 1 spec:
about the New Angling, which enables
one to land 2i-pounders and ''come
homo to lunch.'' The private loch of
the Stratii rowan Angling Club was to
show me many surprising ways in which
Science can assist Nature to maintain
supply of 2i-pounders, and
deliver the goods.
Macvicar, when I reached his semi-
suburban residence next morning, was
casting on bis lawn with one of those
supersensitive, five-guinea rods, which
can he tied in a true-lover's knot with-
out damage to material or vinml.
" That 's our Club-house," he an-
nounced at the end of five minutes'
walk. " Strictly limited to twenty-live.
We are allowed three guests each per
annum, and we put in four thousand
yearling trout every spring."
The Club-house looked big enough
for a couple of hundred golfers. There
was room in it to handle a fourteen-foot
rod freely. No coaxing of fractious
gossamer casts with chill fingers ever
tried the temper of the Stratlirowan
Angling Clubmen. On a Chippendale
sideboard in a bow-window stood a
weighing machine, registering decimals
of an ounce. The scale-pan was of
oxidised silver. Two hooks, both bound
in morocco, with tooled edges, flanked
this apparatus, to record the baskets of
Members and Visitors.
" Somewhat de. lu.re," I said ad-
miringly.
" Not bad," Macvicar agreed. " The
gift of the President. lie takes a great
interest in the Club.
" What 's this ? " 1 asked, pointing to
a mahogany cupboard in one corner.
" Afternoon tea, "said Macvicar, doing
the honours of the cupboard.
" Crown Derby and Georgian silver,"
1 whispered, awe-stricken. " I say, you
know - "
"The gift of the President's wife,"
said Macvicar lightly. " She takes a
great interest in the Club. Let 's start
now. Augustus is waiting with the
boat."
1 hail never met a boatman called
Augustus, and I never dreamt that there
could be a IxMitmun on a Scotch loch.
FORCE OF HABIT.
Passenger. " THIRD HETURX TO BILLINOSHURST, PLEASE."
War Booking-Clerk (tale of Snayg and Stelgrore). "I SUPPOSE YOU WOULDN'T CAHE FOR
A FIRST RETURN TO BRIGHTON ? \\K 'RK SELLING QUITE A LOT OF THESE JUST NOW.
THEY'RE CONSIDERED VERY SMART."
wearing not only the name Augustus,
but also a neat uniform of dark green,
with leather leggings to match. His
silver buttons bore the Club motto. It
was over the doorway, on the weighing
machine, on the covers of the records
kept for Members and Visitors, " Semjw
Grandiores."
" ' SemjM-r Grandiores,' " I muttered
to Augustus as he stowed my mackin-
tosh in the stern of Mie boat.
"Yes, Sir," he answered; adding
helpfully, "I understand it is the Latin
for ' Bigger fish yet.' "
"Did you invent it, Augustus V" I
, asked, getting in with due respect for
'the polished satiu-wood thwarts.
" No, Sir. It was selected by the
President, I believe."
Macvicar seated himself in the bows,
in an elegant and lofty cane-chair,
pivoted like a piano-stool for con-
venience in casting. Augustus fiddled
with an electric switcli and a little
wheel amidships. We backed out from
| the pier and turned towards the head
j of the loch, visible six hundred yards
' away and marked by a row of poplars.
"Don't see many poplars about
here," 1 remarked.
8
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CIIAR1VATJ.
[JULY .7, 1915.
'• No," said Macvicar. " The Club
imported these from Bedfordshire. They
bring tho Maylly on the water a week
or two sooner."
\Ve ])urred along mi islet, about
fifteen yards by ton, gay with daffodils-.
"Charming, 1 said. "Very nice
indeed."
"That's Eilenii Hhoiia," Macvicar
explained. "The Vice-President put
those in. They aro his favourite iiowor.
He does a bit of gardening on the
island on Suiuhiy-s. He did think of
a little hot-house, too, but people might
have rotted us about it."
" It would have had to be a very
little one," I said, "or it might -have
sunk the island. Everything here is on a
small scale, except the Club-house
" And the fish," Macvicar corrected.
" Look out, you 're into something."
Thres yards of line ran out with a
pleasant whirr. About thirty seconds
later a plump Lochleven trout sailed
reluctantly into the landing net.
Augustus released it tenderly from the
Marchbrown-and-Gold.
" I 'm afraid it 's just under, Sir," he
said.
" Why, it looks a good half-pounder,"
I protested.
Augustus laid the fish delicately
along an ivory foot-rule let into the
edge of a thwart. " Nine inches, Sir,"
he said with the solemnity of a judge
prescribing penal servitude.
" Pity," said Macvicar, casting
greedily towards the islet and speak-
ing over his shoulder. " Ten inches is
the limit. Not hurt, is it, Augustus?
If it had been badly hooked we could
have kept it."
Augustus slipped the fish overside
and wiped his hands on a towel bearing
the Club monogram and motto.
" All right," I said ; " 1 '11 strike the
next in the angle of the jaw and be
rather harsh with it."
On our first drift down-wind, which
ended only when I hooked one of the
hanging baskats of Darwin tulips on
the Club verandah, we had five trout,
all under ten inches. Those of seven
or more were immediately released on
their own recognisances to come up
again when called upon. The others
Augustus slipped through a kind of
letter-box in the bottom of the boat.
" What happens to the little fellows? "
I asked Macvicar.
" They wait in their private tank till
lunch-time . . ."
" What do they have for lunch '? "
"Our lunch -time," Macvicar ex-
plained ; " and then Augustus interns
them behind the wire-netting there, in
Tom Thumb Hay. We don't want to
catch them again till they 've grown a
bit more."
" Won't they lind it rather dull
behind that wire netting? It's not
even barbed wire."
"They grow, anyhow," Macvicar
said. " Minced liver and wheat tailings,
boiled soft, make a wonderful difference
in three months' time."
Between lunch and tea we had a
do/en fish, and kept three, including
one well over two pounds, which Mac-
vicar caught, according to his explana-
tion, 7iot in any spirit of bombast, but
as evidence of good faith.
"We'll fish the Narrows," he said,
after our Crown Derby tea, " from the
European side. That 's where the
rainbows lie."
We slid to the top of the loch
and looked into a little creek, about
eighty yards by twenty across.
" Doesn't look promising," I said ;
"there's not a breath of _>vind in
there."
"We'll soon put that right," said
Macvicar confidently. " We '11 try the
transuff, Augustus."
Augustus sculled the boat to the
bank, stepped out, opened a padlocked
box above high-water mark and turned
a handle. There was a sudden hiss of
air released under heavy pressure. Little
catspaws of wind appeared at intervals
along the creek. By the time Augustus
was back in the boat these puffs of
air had grown to a light but steady
breeze.
"My aunt!" I said in respectful
tones.
" Service's Patent Transufflator,"
Macvicar explained. " Costs a bit of
money, of course. That 's why it 's
only fitted for this little creek. Next
season we mean to put a pipe down
right along one side of the loch."
The Transufflator yielded us three
rainbow trout, all over a pound, within
twenty minutes. We drifted down to
the Club-house, well pleased with our
day.
" Delightful place this," I said grate-
fully. " Plenty of sport, daffodils on
the island, poplars, both decorative and
useful, grey roofs against a sky of
Italian blue. Those fir-trees on the
hillside are exquisite in this evening
light . . . ."
From the fir wood a voice interrupted
me. " Cuck-oo, cuck-oo."
'' To say nothing of the wandering
voice," said Macvicar. " There he is."
Thebird Happed slowly across the loc!i.
" Bless my soul," I said, " so it was
a real bird after all ? "
"Of course," said Macvicar. " Vvhy
not?"
" Everything 's so well thought out
here," 1 said admiringly, " that I felt
sure you had a Cuckoo Attachment to
Service's Patent Transufflator."
ARMY CONTRACTS.
Alfred had a severe attack of Army
Contract fever the moment the Wai-
started. He had every known symptom
of the malady and a few over, in spite
of hi 5 forty-eight years and a good
business as a Surveyor. When he was
first attacked the disease took the form
of mittens. But when the War Office
people wrote and told hiin.that the kind
he sent them would not mit, he swept
his samples into the waste-paper basket
and went all out on khaki cloth.
The reason his malady took this form
was that he had what he called " an
enquiry " for it. I have since learnt
what an enquiry means in this connec-
tion, and I think this is both the time
and the place to explain the term and
what it connotes.
It means apparently the dropping of
a hint by A to B that A has seen C who
can place so many hundred acres of
cloth, so many thousand quarts of brass
buttons, or so many million hands of
horse, or whatever the commodity may
be which is the subject of enquiry.
B then sets out to find D, who when
discovered is found to be a person having
the acquaintance (business, and slight j
at that) of E, who knows F (and some-
times wishes he didn't). F is in cl< ss
touch (a fine old hallowed expression in
the City) with G, who lives in Bradford,
or the button-growingdistrict, or Mexico,
as the case may be ; and G says he has
the cloth or buttons or horses. He is
probably lying, but this is not generally
established till the end of the game.
A, B, C, D, E and F all want com-
missions if the deal comes off', and G,
the alleged seller of the goods, wants a
profit, so it's a sort of round game
rather like " Snap."
Alfred by superhuman efforts heard
of some khaki cloth that had nothing
particular to do at the moment, so he
engaged it for the deal. But when the
samples were submitted to the authori-
ties it was discovered that tho maker had
bungled over the recipe and had put in
the ki before the kha, or else the dye
was all loose and wobbling about. Any-
how the deal was off'.
Following the proper ro':alion of
crops, Alfred tried rations, lint, chloro-
form and boot polish, and came at last
to horses.
It was at this stage of the game that)
I first took a forced interest in his
doings. His office is not tidy at any
time, and when I called on him it was
difficult to find a seat, every available
piece of furniture being filled up with
samples. His desk was littered with
bottles of all sorts, tins of boracic
powder, liquid soap, and packages of
various shapes, sizes and aromas.
JULY 7, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
9 :
Aunt (to little girl who lias omitted to say "please "). " SAY • PLEASE, AUNTIE DEAR.' "
Little Girl. "I THINK YOU MIGHT LEAVE THE 'I>EAB' TO ME."
Three saddles were perched on top of
the book-case, and a pile of army
blankets on the only chair I could sea
besides the one Alfred was using. I
came to anchor at last on a packing-
case full of hoot polish.
" How many hands go to a hcrse? "
said Alfred.
" It depends on the horse," I said.
" Not counting ponies and cobs, say
from fifteen two
" And one for his nob," said Alfred.
"To about seventeen hands," I said.
"The Eussian agents," said Alfred,
" v, ho are after my horses wan* to know
the ago, si/o and colour, and I 've had
to guess them."
"What height did you guess?" I
aaked.
" Well, I thought the average would
be somewhere about twenty-three to
twenty-five hands."
" Very useful," I said. " They 'd
frighten the Germans to death, even
without soldiers on their backs."
"I must alter my let^e- then," said
Alfred. " What, age shall I put? "
" Ob, if you 're guessing, I should
say four to eight years."
" Mere babes," said Alfred. " Look
here, old man, you 'd better join me in
this game. We'll make pots of money."
" No, thanks," I said. " The off-chance
of sharing commissions with half the
1 runners ' in London is not alluring.
Besides," I added, " I 'in busy with Wai-
Office contracts myself."
" Got any through ? " asked Alfred
eagerly.
" Yes," I said, " several contracts I 'in
interested in were signed last week."
" Handled any commission yet ? " he
said.
" No," I said decidedly. " But two or
three of the people I 've been dealing
with will get commissions shortly, I
expect. The fact is, I 've gone in for
supplying the War Office svith better
stuff than you have."
"What stuff?" said Alfred.
"Eecruits," I said.
" Our guns must have killed and wounded
hundreds of the Turks, as the shells were
actually dropping in and around the trenches,
many of them being blown to pieces."
Daily Dispatch.
The tendency of these projectiles to
surfer from sudden and violent disinte-
gration has frequently been observed.
MEDITATIONS OF MARCUS O'REILLY.
I HAVE often of late meditated upon
' a garden and its immoral influence —
| as to why the growing of tulips should
promote intolerance, or what there was
in a dahlia (besides earwigs) to cause
irritation.
Sir FRANCIS BACON, as I pointed out
to Cecilia, fell under the fatal fascina-
tion of gardens and very soon had to
he removed from the Bench. SHAK-
: SPEAHE, on the other hand, was no
gardener. To him a rose under any
i other name would have smelled as
sweet, nor would he have lost his self-
control even if you had called his tea-
roses Madame Karl Druschkis.
Old hardened gardeners are bad
enough, but the youthful convert is a
terror to his friends. Cecilia, before she
took up gardening, would not have
harmed a worm, but you should see
her face nowadays set to storm at the
sight of the shyest and most retiring
of snails. As I told her, it was this
way that NERO began.
She has tried hard to tempt me from
I the paths of virtue with a heavy
1 watering-can. Luckily I remembered
10
ITNCII. Oil TIIK L()NI)ON_C'l!A!:lVARr
j.In.y 7, 1915.
"THIS IS MY bON. HE'S JUST LEI? SCHOOL, YOU KNOW, AND WANTS TO GET A COMMISSION; BUT HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT
"WELL, I* TOP THINK IT WOULD BE ANT HELP, I DARESAY I COULD GET YOU AN INTRODUCTION TO LORD KITCHENER. YOU S.F.E,
A NEPHEW OF MINE HAS JOINED HIS ARMY.", •
in time that our tried family physician
had warned my father once that undue
horticultural indulgence might have
fatal results in my case. I had been
treating myself, I well remember, for
measles with a small grean apple. As
I told Cecilia, it is ridiculous to slight
the advice of a family doctor. Not an
ordinary physician, 1 said, but a family
doctor.
Perhaps I should have told her less
emotionally, as she 'went and bought
me a quilted red double chest-protector.
I managed to get it off my chest on to
a stall at a bazaar as a .Kurdistan
native lady's bridal head-dress. It was
the success of the sale. . i
The fall of Cecilia began with bulbs
She was anxious to out-bulb the Vicar's
wife, an old hand, full of wise saws anc
other modern implements. She porec
over that pedantic brochnue, Hint* ti
Anniti'i/rfi. On JiiiUis. }>'/ One. The
result was the breaking of Fogurty's
back.
As he said, " The back 's broke or
me, planting thim bulbs ! " Cecilia die
the digging, and, as far as 1 could see
Bridgeen, our between-maid, did every-
thing else. Fogarty was locum tenens
'or the professional gardener, who had
*orie fishing. He didn't say so when
lie returned. He put his handkerchief
to his eyes and said, " She had heen
always very kind to me, and I ha:l to
see the last of her ! "
The three of them planted bulbs
everywhere. No place was sacred. I
kept indoors, as I have a bald spot.
-Bridgeen stood between Cecilia and
Fogarty, and lie broke his back passing
'the bulbs to Bridgeen, who handed
them to Cecilia, who planted them
solemnly according to the ritual of
Hints to Amateurs, which lay open
beside her on the grass.
Tnis to me now seems years and
years ago, as the bulbs have all come
up since. It was Bridgeen who con-
veyed the information to Cecilia.
We were at breakfast when the blow
fell. I remember I was at peace with
all mankind, looking meditatively across
tlio beautiful country, when a fly came
straight through the window intt> my
left eye. I don't know why flies always
have
select my left eye to :die in. I
known them come miles to do it.
Cecilia was in the middle of her third
cast with the table napkin, and I was
just remarking that I'd rather keep the
eye with the fly, if she didn't mind, than
the fly without the eye, when Bridgeen
tore in and cried, "If you please,
Ma'am, will you 'come out and look at
your bulbs?" They are all up. And
every blessed one is a Spanish onion !
, And" wasn-'t I saying to meself at the
time that them bulbs had the smell of
stew about them ? "
When the Vicar's wife came in
triumph to lorgnette our poor bulbs,
I found Cecilia exhibiting them with
pride. She explained with modest self-
depreciation that in wur-time every
patriot grows vegetables in place of
flowers.
"Bryan's second statement, scmfwy and
amfwy andardlainanana published this morn-
ing, is a piece of stupefying impudence."
Vancouver Daily 1'rurince.
Of its impudence we cannot pretend to
judge, but it is certainly " stupefying."
,h i.v 7, L915.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CII.\l;i\ AIM.
11
r Punch's
'aces
THE GOLDSTEINS RENT FOB Tin: SOIMER MONTHS A CASTLE ON THE BEA COAST. A BRILLIANT GUEST (DEPICTED IN THE
5iii>in.K ni THE FOREGROUND) SUGGESTS THAT THE ANCESTRAL ARMOUK WHICH GOES WITH THE PLACE MIGHT BE UTILISED FOR THE
iTION OF BATHERS AGAINST SUBMARINE ATTACKS. THE HOUSE-PARTY IS QUICK TO ADOPT THIS HAPPY SUGGESTION.
12
rrxcn, on THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[Jui,Y 7, 1915.
Volunteer Recruit. "I'm FED UP WITH THIS TRENCH DIGOIN', SIB. WHEN DOES THE LOOTIS' BKGIN?
"HANDS UP! You 'HE MY PKISONKH!"
"You* PRISONER? HOW CAN I BE WHEN I'M 8TANDIN' ON YOUH COMMANDANT?'
.Ici.v 7, l!M.ri.!
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
13
(2
Boatman (narrating incident of air-raid on his town). "AND THEY SAY AS 'ow THEY PUT SOMETHING IN THE BOMBS TO START A
TKRItlBLE THIUST. LEASTWAYS I'VE *AD ONE EVEB SINCE."
TO BATHE
WEST
OF
THISNOTICf
SIM-X-IAI. CONSTABLES SHOULD CONSIDEB THEMSELVES "ON DUTY" IN ALL PLACES WHERE THEY OBSERVE ANY INFRINGEMENT OF
THE LAW.
14
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JULY 7, 1915.
A PUNT PATROL.
5^
<l^
*r^4i-.*
n-c
A ZEPPELIN PICNIC.
7, 1915.]
PUNCH, Oil THE LONDON CIIAKIYAIM.
15
/ ' / /
''/-T7T?
ANOTHER "FORTIFIED" WATERING-PLACE.
•V
A CHALLENGE.
Sentry. "WHO GOES THKBE?"
Bashful Maiden (recognising cavalisr of a previous evening MI tltejner). "Ffl , I MEAN ACQUAINTANCE."
PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JULY 7, 1915
THE NEW PERISCOPE FOR THE BACK-STROKE—TO OBVIATE COLLISIONS.
'\ "/ ',' f'-'l'' ' -
^ /. /\,\1:-'. '
Jn.v 7, L915.
PUNCH, Oil TJIK LONDON CJIAIMN AIM.
17
Energetic Platoon-Commander. "DON'T PANT."
Strgeattt (to plutocrat). "Now THUS, NUMBER THBEK, LOOK nr! ALL THE CIGAR ENDS 'AVE BEEN PICKED CP LONO AOO!"
13
PUNCH, Oil THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[.JULY 7, 1915.
A HINT TO THE RAILWAY COMPANIES.
THKM DECIDE THAT THIN..S AH:: .vor AS U.-U-AI. THIS YEAB AND ADVERTISE THINGS AS THEY ABE.
SPEND YOUR HOLIDAYS ON THESFXMOUS
NE BUNKERS
NEW HAZARDS
HORE
THE
THAN m ANY OTHER
SPOT IN ENGLAND
PCSCH. OP, THF- T.OWO* CHARIVARI, JHLT 7, W1S
"I'D NO IDEA IT WAS SO EASY, MY DEA]
I ONLY HAVE A BOY TO WASH HKU DOW
SOW AND THEN."
GRANDPA SAYS IT ISN'T EXACTLY THE
TIME OP HIS LIFE, BUT HE 'LL DO HIS
BIT IF THEY 'LL LET HIM SMOKE.
"No, MASTER GEOKQE, THAT
COMMUNICATION TRENCH WON'T
DO NOHOW."
THE ^
Tin. PKOKKSBOB is CERTAIN
THAT AN ANTI- AIRCRAFT GUN
COULD BE MADE ON THE LINES
Dl HIS FAVOURITE WEAPON.
THE VETERAN SIR POMPEY DOES
A LITTLE ENTRENCHING PRACTICE
UNDER EXPERT ADVICE, AND IS A8-
BrRED THAT " IT WILL COME IN MAIN
-/ /- ' L.
HANDY FOR aHE CELERY.'
DAWBER, R.A., IN-VKNTS AN
VE SHIELD.
SPIRIT.
.!( ..v 7, \'.)\->.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAIMVAIM.
23
A HINT TO THE RAILWAY COMPANIES.
•
'
'
PUNCH, Oil THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JULY 7, 1915.
WAR-TIME HOLIDAYS.
WHY TRAVEL BY BAIL? WAKE A ROUTE-MARCH OF II
AWAY WITH BOSES AND BANJO. LET'S HAVE MARTIAL MUSIC.
JULY 7, 19! 5.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
WAR-TIME HOLIDAYS.
TlIE CHILDREN MIGHT BE TAUGHT THE ELEMENTS OP MILITA3Y TRAINING
AND WHY NOT BUN A PLEASCEE-SUBMABISE ?
26
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[Jui.Y 7, 1915.
WAR-TIME HOLIDAYS.
BATHING-MACHINES MIGHT BE USED FOB ANTI-AIBCBAFT
or
THE ABMOURED DECK-CHAIR (Id. EXTBA).
JULY 7, 1916.]
PUNCH, nil Till- LONDON UIAUI YAlll.
27
WAR-TIME HOLIDAYS.
BATHINO COSTUMES SHOULD HAVE
BUSKERS' EARLY MORNINO PARADE.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JULY 7, 1915.
FRIGHTFULNESS.
[There is a possibility that a mild form of " Frightfulncss " may enter into our everyday life as one of the consequences of the War.]
A CLIENT INDICATES TO A PORTRAIT-PAINTER THAT HE HAS NOT QUITE CAUGHT HIS WIFE'S EXPRESSION,
A CUSTOMER OBJECTS TO A PEW EXCESSIVE CHARGES IN HEE GROCER'S BILL.
JULY 7, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR TIIK LONDON CHARI YA1M.
29
FRIGHTFULNESS.
m
A BOARDER POINTS OUT TO HIS LANDLADY THAT HIS BREAKFAST EGG IS NOT ALTOGETHER TO HIS TASTE.
->' — ^ — ,
A Visnoit SKIMFIES HIS DISAPPROVAL OP AN ITEM IN THE PIERROTS' PROGRAMME.
30
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CIIAIUVA1M.
7, 1915.
NATIONAL SERVICE IN THE HOLIDAYS.
WE ASKED A KICK-LOOKING SENTRY IF HE HAD ANY 6HKI.I.S
WE COCLD FILL FOE HIM. BfT A HORRID SERGEANT RUSHED
UP AND TOLD US WE MUSTN'T SPEAK TO A SENTRY. THS
CREATURE 1 WE ONLY WANTED TO BE USEFUL.
ON OUR WAY BACK WE DISTINCTLY SAW SIGNALLING GOING
ON BEHIND A COTTAGE.
WE SAW A WHOLE LOT OF CARRIER PIGEONS FLYING ABOUT.
SO WE TOOK ALL THE TROUBLE TO CLIMB UP AND WARN THE
COASTGUARD. HE SAID THEY WERE SEAGULLS, AND WASN'T
AT ALL NICE ABOUT IT.
THERE COULD BE NO MISTAKE THIS TIME, so WE CALLED A
CONSTABLE AND WENT TO INVESTIGATE !
WE HAD ALMOST DESPAIRED OF BEING REALLY USEFUL,
WHEN WE HEARD SUSPICIOUS TINKL1NGS, OBVIOUSLY A MESSAGE
BY MORSE CODE.
So WITH INFINITE CARE WE CREPT OVEIl TO THE SOUND.
* * * *
WE AHE GOING PADDLING TO-MORROW.
PUNCH, nil Till-; LONDON CHARIVARI.— JULY 7. 1915.
HOMMAGE A LA FRANCE!
lier gallant French Allies.
,;; ,/ F ci ? ,
mark,,! - f,,,,,loT, (£3
f our profound admiration and affection for our brve conirad ]
, th° L°BB MAT°'' 1Unsion . -
larg° SUm ma7 «»««•••» oip'ressioa
JULY 7, 191.0.]
PUNCH, OR TUB LONDON CHARIVARI.
3.3
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
(KXTHALTKU KHOM Til K DlAIlY OF TOBY, M.I'.)
House of Commons, Ifcnday, June
2S//i. -Glow of warlike feeling, just
now kindling the country anil swelling
the ranks of fresh armies, shone in
House to-night with scathing heat.
Even AiiTHi'u MAKKIIAM slightly
scorched hy it. More than once his
constitutionally placid manner and
speech sharply milled. At Question
time had tussle with I'm MM MINISTI:;:
on subject of famous statement at
Newcastle that neither our Allies nor
ourselves have been hampered by in-
sullicienl supply of munitions. MARK-
HAM wanted to know who told him so.
PIHOMIEU declined to he drawn.
MAKKHAM again insistent on question
of equipment of recruits. " Is it not a
fiu-!.' he asked UNDKK SECRETARY FOH
WAH, "that recruits have been kept
waiting for eight months for their
equipment? "
" It altogether depends upon what
the lion. Member means by equip-
ment," TEXNANT deftly answered.
Up a third time, now on behalf of
the Government threatened with dis-
location of business arrangements.
Second Beading of Munitions Bill
under debate for six hours. At eleven
o'clock debate would automatically close
and Bill urgently needed must stand
over. PEKTINACIOUS PRINGLE, joining
hands with IMPLACABLE SNOWDEN,
attacked compulsory clauses which
serve as basis of Bill. Rising
jus! after ten o'clock, PIUNGLE
prattled on amid growing im-
piiiiiice on part of scanty
audit nee till hand of clock pointed
to five minutes to eleven. At
best, did PHIXGLK straightway
sit down, this would leave live
minutes for Minister in charge
of Bill to wind up debate. If
he o<c : 1 1 lied remaining five rnin-
iic day would lie lost.
It was here MAI;K!>AM came to
front again. Ajnid murmur of
angry interruption his voice wa*
lii'iinl with sharp command,
"Give ( iioduci; a chance."
PniNOLE showed disposition to
- the matter. House filling
up again would have no more of
it : so he sat down. MINISTER
OF MUNITIONS had his five
minutes, and, SI-KAKKU promptly
putting the Question on stroke of
hour, Bill passed the stage.
ARTHUR LYNCH, sometime
Colonel of Irish Brigade duriivg
Boer War, not the man to be
left out when things like this
going on. Had placed on Paper
question? addressed to
MINISTKK OK MUNITIONS dealing with
production of aeroplanes. On I'NDF.K
. KKCKKTAHY FOH WAH rising to make
reply LYNCH leaped to bis feet.
\ " No," be shouted, " I wish to have
a live man to put live questions to."
TKNNANT not only live, but in his
Studies in the manner of IVAN MESTROVIC,
1 the Croatian sculptor.
I. — LORD ROBERT CKCIL,
who opened the exhibition of MESTROVIC'S
work at the Victoria and Albert Museum.
' replies often lively. LYNCH, thirsting
in Fe-Fo-Fum manner for the blood
of a Welshman — LLOYD GEORGE to
wit — declined to put the question, and
, TENNANT perforce resumed his seat.
A few minutes later ex-Colonel LYNCH
complained that every time he rose to
ask a question he was interrupted by
three
II. — A typical British Army Champion.
MR. H. .T. TKNNANT.
unmannerly remarks from Meml>er
seated near him.
" If I cannot get protection I shall
deal with the hon. Member myself. I
am quite capable of doing it," be added,
nodding confidentially to the culprit.
Thereafter silence reigned in that
quarter of the House.
Jiusiness done. — Munitions of Wai-
Bill read a second time.
Tuc.iday. — As WALTKR LONG said
when moving vote for the Department,
twenty-nine years have elapsed since his
first connection with Local Government
Board. That was in 1886, when he
wasappointed Parliamentary Secretary.
After serving a term of five years as
President of the Board of Agriculture
he went back to the Local Government
Board, this time as President.
His period of ollice at the former
Board made memorable by reason of
his stout, prolonged, finally successful
fight with rabies. Dog-owners of all
degrees were up in amis against his
strict regulations. He with appropriate
doggedness held on, and delivered, per-
manently as it happily appears, the
nation from this plague.
When at opening of Session of 1905
GEORGE WYNDHAM was offered up hy
his old friend and chief as the sacrificial
lamb in the matter of Ministerial dally-
ing with Home Rule hotly denounced
by Ulster, WALTER LONG, the handy
man of the Party, the Ministerial
Marine ready to go anywhere and do
anything, was appointed to fill the
vacancy created in the office of
Irish Secretary. By odd chance
he came up against Sir ANTONY
MACDONNELL, now Lord M. His
attempts to employ Board of
Agriculture tactics for purpose of
muzzling the stubborn Under-
secretary were noted at the time
in this faithful record.
Coming back to his old post
and to a seat on the Treasury
Bench he finds that quaintly
renewed prosperity makes him
acquainted with strange bed-
fellows. Faithful to his creed
and his colours, he has not been
what is known as a strong Party
man. Differing from political
opponents, he has never de-
scended to personalities, a habit
that appreciably strengthened his
position in debate. Still, when
he swore he would hold no truck
with LLOYD GEORGE and his
political heresies, he never thought
he would live to sit in Cabinet
Council with him, and from
Treasury Bench generously cheer
remarks offered by former foe in
his new administrative office.
However, there he is, and there
[.TLTA- 7, 1915
,TNCir, Oil TIIE
Officer " i'ou FOOL ! COME BACK AT ONCE ! "
Tommy. "Nor MB, SIR! THERE'S A WASP is THE TBENCH.
they are. Being gentlemen all, they
it along very well together working
the security of the nation in time
of peril. The loud and general cheer
velcoming the PRESIDENT OF LOCAL
GOVERNMENT BOARD when he made
lis first appearance testified to his
genuine merit. As SARK says, there is
10 shrewder, more infallible judge of a
;ood fellow — or, for the matter of that, a
jad 'un — than the House of Commons.
This afternoon, in speech limited to
ten minutes, new PRESIDENT OF LOCAL
GOVERNMENT BOARD brought in Bill
providing for compilation of a National
Register. Difficult task lo expound in
scanty time particulars of important
measure. Not new to WALTKU LONG
PRINCE ARTHUR, sitting lower down on
Treasury Bench, loyal colleague of i
Liberal Premier with whom in otlie
days he had many a scrap across the
Table, rememtars how, sixteen year
ago, WALTER LONG brought in a Tithe
Bill under Ten-minutes' Rule, and ho\
ASQUITH and his friends denouncec
what they described as the unprinciple
straining of a provision expressly de
vised for sole purpose of hastenin
on their course measures absolutel
non-controversial.
Business done. — -National Registe
Bill passed First Reading, oppose
only by Heir GINNELL, still at large.
\Veilnc.vlay. — RONALD I"
catholicity of view and chivalry ofj
temperament illustrated afresh in ques-
on put just now to HOME SECRETARY.
ppears there is a group of persons,
ailing themselves a Peace Committee, |
ngaged in distributing pamphlets of a I
laracter harmful to national interests
i relation to the War. What the
lember for St. Augustine's wanted to
now was " Whether the HOME SECRE-
ARY proposes to take any measures to
irovide against the danger of their
ieing lynched? "
Never since the utterance of famous
3ntreaty, " Don't nail his ears to the
jump," was the fine feeling of philan-
ihropy more pointedly expressed.
HOME SECRETARY gravely comforted
Hon. Member with assurance that
such violence would call for severest
repression, whilst a great responsi-
bility would attacli to anyone who
might be supposed to suggest that it
was excusable."
Business done. — CHANCELLOR OF Ex
CHEQUER introduced Bill enabling
trustees to become subscribers to Wa
Loan. Other Bills advanced.
AS ADVISED.
WHEN Zeppelins are in the air
Above my humble dwelling,
For what they threat I shall not care,
For I have means of quelling,
Or at the least of dodging, what-
ioever comes of shell or shot.
Tis but a little exercise
Pleasantly acrobatic ;
?or safety in the cellar lies,
And also in the attic ;
\nd what should danger-dodgers do
But circulate between the two ?
With water I shall let my bath
At least half full be standing ;
And gravel from the garden path
Will decorate the landing ;
For he at burning bombs may laugh
Who treats them well with half and half.
I '11 stay indoors— rush wildly out ;
Admit the air — exclude it ;
Keep silent— like a Stentor shout ;
Pick up the bomb-- elude it ;
Do nothing— act— show fear and pluck
Be quite prepared— and trust to luck.
"The Germans last night delivered a
attack to the northward of Ypres and succeeded
in pining a football in the French trenches."
A'rt.s/ Jjondon Daily Despatch (.S'. Africa).
Yet they have not noticeably improved
in playing the game.
"COLONIAL AND CONTINENTAL CHURCH
SOCIETY.— Its Brave Chaplains are still
Brussels, Lille, Croix, and Dunkirk. Us,
| Chaplains in Boulogne, Rouen, Pans,
i devote themselves unremittingly to the B
soldiers, sick and wounded."
Adrt. in " Church of Ireland Gazette.
Why this invidious distinction?
JULY 7,
PUNCH, (Mi Till' LONDON CIIAUIVAPJ.
OFFICIAL TERMINOLOGY.
TriK P.O. \\ipc'(! away from his fore
head a few small pools of perspiration
in which adventurous blue-bottles wen
dabbling their tentacles. •• listen t<
this," lie said. "The G. ().('. will not
permit the continued Use (if slang terms
iii report* and correspondence, sue!
as 'dug-out' for bomb-proof shelter
'sniper' tor sharps] ter, 'pip-squeak
for light high-velocity gun. What is the
Army coming ID'.' "
As none of the mess dared hazard a
forecast, the C'.O. continued : '• \Yell,
it 's an order, and orders have to he
obeyed, and this hattalion is to bo in
the vanguard of ohedienee, and if 1
find any junior subaltern " — hero he
glared at the, " O.C. signals" — " dis-
oheying orders, then
At this point the Machine Gun
OHicer walked in. "The Bosches,"
lie said, "have b:'en potting at my
dug-out the whole blessed afternoon."
The C.O. straightened himself out.
You mean to say 'The Germans have
been directing their artillery fire upon
and towards the bomb-proof shelter
which you are accustomed to occupy.'"
The M.G.O. collapsed and the M.O.
prescribed diluted soda-water.
We are a loyal battalion, and since
the order was read out we have all
endeavoured to obey it, though it took
lays to teach Corporal Bloggs- to- alter
his famous "Now then, do yer bit" to
'You are requested to complete your
portion."
Other divisions who had not received
the order wore at first inclined to laugh,
but have come to respect us and to
listen with hated breath to our remarks
when the trenches are being changed —
such as, "It is advisable for you to
•\erciso due precaution and to adopt
.in attitude of semi-flexion when travers-
ing this section of subterranean passage
011 account of errant projectiles from
the weapon of a sharpshooter probably
lomiciled in the conspicuous turret
idjaeent to yonder village."
A few nights ago our Adjutant was
almost rendere.l liiirx-ds-ci.m'itit by a
report of a small attack by Germans
on a slag-heap in our lines. He insists
that the term "German " is slang and
SO relers ID them as " militant bodies ot
inposite Teutonic origin." As 1 was
loing a little artificial respiration to
restore him 1 glanced at his report and
• • • from thai period a con-
tinuous fusillade o I project lies from light
high-velocity pieces of ordnance was
observed to impinge upon the hetero-
is accumulation of r/r/,/-,\ and
a in clo--c prcximity (•, our posi-
tion; it therefore became necessary to
reduce the concentiation of our :
First Tramp. "You SKKM VKBV 'APPT ABAHT IT. WOT'S UP?"
Second Tramp (reading Mr. Asqtiith's Guildhall Speech). •• EKE 'a trm Bra oom'
WIVOUT LUXURIES ALL THIS TIME, AS1 I 'VE ONLY JUS* FOUND OUT THAT I 'V» BIB1
TJ1K COUNTRY TO WIK THIS WAR."
in the vicinity. 1 accordingly issued
orders to. open-out." " Open out" was
erased and the substituted phrase ran
as follows : — " increase the intervening
space between individual members of
the section."
There seems to he no limit to the
horrors of war.
"The new building presents a pleasing
appearance, standing on the southern slope of
the cliff, and it is easily distinguishable from
the railway by its bungalow roof and spacious
verandah."
Jliiiuj/ft'ad aiul St. John's Wand Adrcrtiser.
Is it wise, in these Zeppelin days, to
yive away the architect's secret like
this?
" Hut manoeuvring under and also above a
Zeppelin must be conducted with extreme
caution. In flying upwards at the speed of
3,000 feet per second, a terrifying vortex is
produced beneath the airship, aud, if the
aeroplane should be engulfed, its own de-
struction is certain." — Land and Water.
But do Zeppolins fly upwards, or in
any other direction, at this speed,
which works out at something over
2,000 miles an hour ?
More Commercial Modesty.
From a draper's circular : —
" We have recently secured the services of a
TTead Dressmaker, who until she came to us
had been engaged in the highest class of work
in the West Kud and Provinces."
36
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JULY 7, 1915.
THE HUMAN SIDE.
[" Owing to his shortness in stature, many people think that Mr.
Lloyd George is a. sm;ill man and lacking in physical power.
This, however, is quite a mistake. The truth is that Mr. Lloyd
Cieorge, who weighs thirteen-and-a-half stone, is a very
person.'"— " Cabinet Ministers: Their Human ,SiWf," "
sturdy
Strand
I LOVE to read about the good and great,
Limned in some enterprising magazine,
Not in the trappings and the pomp of State,
But as they figure in some homely scene — •
As "standing by his kite hen -garden gate,"
Or "playing with his little daughter Jean"-
Exhibiting, in short, that "human side"
Whereby to plainer folk they are allied.
I like to know, for instance, that Lord CREWE
Delights in playing on the pianola ;
Or that he has a favourite cockatoo
Which answers to the gracious name of Lola ;
That CARSON rarely touches Irish stew,
And feeds his Persian cat on Gorgonzola,
And, though his literary views are sane,
Considers TOLSTOI greater than HALL CAINE.
It helps me, too, to learn that WALTER LONG
Prefers jam sandwiches to bread-and-butter ;
That Dr. MACNAMARA plays ping-pong;
That SIMON likes an aluminium putter ;
That Mr. BALFOUR, when his game goes wrong,
No sort of oath is ever heard to utter,
But always keeps undauntedly serene
Save when his caddie hiccups on the green.
I thrill to read how CONAN DOYLE in hats
Requires a size one larger than MARCONI ;
That Dr. CLIFFORD sometimes wears black spats
And likes milk puddings made with macaroni ;
That PADEREWSKI is afraid of bats';
That Mrs. BARCLAY drives a Shetland pony ;
That HERBERT SAMUEL has shrimps for supper,
But never reads the works of MABTIN TUPPEB.
It comforts me to know that China tea,
And not Ceylon, Assam, or even Senna,
Is regularly quaffed by BEERBOHM TREE
As well as Mr. REGINALD McKENNA ;
That Mr. BIRRELL smokes, a B.B.D.
Whene'er he rusticates at Rosapenna,
But when at Overstrand prefers cheroots,
And always wears on Sunday button boots.
Details like these, which writers in The Strand
Provide ad lib., I welcome with effusion ;
But I resent, upon the other hand,
Assertions tending to our disillusion,
Or showing that the leaders of our land
May 'end in lame and impotent conclusion,
As when the startling statement goes the rounds
That GEORGE weighs thirteen stone plus seven
pounds.
Can we believe it — that our Cambrian sprite,
Quintessence of ethereal velocity,
Should have expanded in a single night
To such a miracle of adiposity ?
Such allegations cast a horrid blight
On all romance and turn it to jocosity.
It cannot be; yet if it should prove true
The Censor never should have let it through.
And O ye curious scribes, who in your zeal
To feed the printing press with fact and fable,
Invade the statesman at his frugal meal
And catalogue the dishes at his table ;
Whatever other secrets you reveal,
Henceforth let no one feel himself unable
To render faithful service to the State
Without your publishing his lighting weight.
THE VOLUNTEERING SPIRIT.
(Being scraps of conversation from a gathering of literary
men, artists, etc.)
'•THERE'S nothing like a good long route-march for
pulling you together. We marched fourteen miles last
Sunday and the men didn't turn a hair."
" What 's the right pronunciation of that word ? I
thought it was pronounced rowt-maxeh, not /'oo<-march."
" There were forty of us. Imagine it, forty more or less
middle-aged gentlemen and one sergeant-major. He gave
us a most frightful doing. If one of us scratched his nose
it was ' Leave your face alone — leave it alone, I tell you.
You can't improve it ' ; or ' Ho, very nice, very nice. You
call that giving the word of command, do you? I call it
whispering to a canary in a cage ' ; or ' Look at your watch
again, do. Hold it up to your ear and find out if it's
kicking right.' "
" Terrible fellows, these sergeant-majors."
" Yes, but that 's the sort of thing you want — makes you
smart and attentive."
"It's always done at the trail in Rifle regiments."
" I didn't know yours was a Rifle regiment. What 's the
difference? "
" Well, you see, we do it at the trail, and tha others do it
at the slope."
" Ah."
" You 've got to get into close column of platoons first."
" Are you sure? "
" Yes, and then the word of command is, ' Line outwards.
Dne platoon (or two platoons) to the right. Remainder,
'orm fours ; outwards. Quick march.' "
" Yes, but how do you get back to close column ? "
" Easy enough. ' On No. 1 form close column of platoons.
Remainder form fours ; inwards. Quick march.' "
"That would do it, but it 's not in the drill-book."
" Have you managed to get your rifles yet ? "
" Yes ; Sniders, most of them, about a hundred yards long
and weighing a ton. However, we 've got bayonets."
" The instructor was splendidly cold-blooded about it.
' Drive it into him sharp,' he Said, ' and draw it out quick.
Otherwise he might tumble over atop of you and break
your bayonet. If he does tumble over stamp on his body.
That '11 help you to get it out.' "
" What were you practising at ? "
" A sack stuffed with straw."
"I wish they'd make up their minds to use us in some
definite way. All the men are as keen as mustard. We
got about two hundred of them into camp at Whitsuntide,
and they did jolly well."
" Have you seen the work of that new b'.ack-and-white
man they 're talking about? "
" No ; too busy with drills."
" So am I."
7, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
87
OUR LAST LINE BUT ONE.
PK.AK ^\li<. 1'rscii, \Vlirn you think
ot our soldiers, you generally have in
mind UK; men who arc. in the tVBBoheS
in Handera <ir are going out to give
the final push to the denim n Kmpire
in the Summer. Hut t.hcre are others
whom you never hear people talk
about. 'Take ourselves, for example.
I lere we h:i\ e I ecu since August, guard
ing tlu! (lerended port, of Mudhaven.
I refrain from further details for fear
of giving information to the enemy;
and, anyhow, you can huy picture post-
cards of all the forts at any stationer's
shop in the town for lil. each (or '2/1.
coloured). Hut I may safely say that
it is the last place the dermans would
be likely to attuck.
But you mustn't imagine that we
have no excitement. Captain Driver's
engagement with a tin can off Pier
Head Fort thrilled us for weeks. He
engaged it with his heavy guns and
subsidiary armament, and when it
drifted so close in that they couldn't
train their guns on it they threw
stones at it. The enthusiasm of the
men was splendid. You couldn't stop
them, and when the can was picked up
next morning it was found to he riddled
with holes, besides having a big dent
in it. This last was beyond doubt due
to a well-directed shot from Capt. Driver
himself, who was .cover-point in an
Oxford XI. famous for its fielding, and
serves to show the close connection
between the playing fields of peace and
success in war. The other forts were
naturally jealous, and two nights later,
just, to show what it could do, Mud
Korl opened fire on a school of porpoises,
who were forced to retire with, it is
believed, heavy losses. So we feel that
the pirate submarine will have to dis-
guise itself pretty well to get by us.
All the regulars have long since left
for the Front. Our O.C. is a gallant
veteran with a string of medals stretch-
ing far back into Victorian times.
Indeed, among the men, who are mainly
drawn from the rural districts of Hud-
shire, whore the chronological aspect
of history is evidently ill understood,
he is widely supposed to have been
present at the Battle of Waterloo, an
impression due partly to his appear-
ance and partly to his habit of referring
to that battle when he addresses re-
cruits. The other officers are mainly
dug-outs who left the Service on account
of age or some other infirmity, such as
impaired digestions, defective visions,
diseased livers, or merely a general
disinclination to work.
The rest of us, lawyers, engineers,
schoolmasters and the like, are trying
to follow the intricacies of military
LEST WE FORGET
THOSE PAILS OP SAND ON EVEBY LANDING.
etiquette. We have learned that you
must never argue with a senior officer,
even if, as may happen, his opinion is in
apparent conflict with the Drill Book.
But the habits of our civil occupations
are difficult to break through. The
Colonel is in the nature of things inured
to ilattery and subservience of every
kind, but even he, seasoned old warrior
as he is, was electrified when Jameson,
who is a police-court solicitor, addressed
him in the orderly-room as " Your
worship."
Sometimes we hope that we may yet
get a chance to play some more exalted
part in this epoch-making time, but
mostly we expect to stay when we are
till the end of the War. Then— for
news comes slowly to these parts — I
imagine someone at the War Office will
i remember to write and tell us it is all
over, or perhaps they will stop sending
us our pay. Otherwise we shall be
found at some future date tottering up
to our crumbling emplacements, lean-
ing against our antiquated ordnance,
searching the sea with spectacled eyes,
waiting, still waiting, for the attack
that never comes.
Your obedient Servant,
MUDSHIRE E.G.A. (T.)
Cause and Effect.
"DISORDER IN PRUSSIAN DIET.
SHAMEFUL SPECULATION IN FOOD."
Glasgow Herald.
'• DWELLING HOUSES TO BE LKT.
Nice Baby Carriage, in good condition."
J/irerpool Echo. .
Just the thing for a small family about'
to move.
38
ITNCII, Oli THE LONDON CITATCIVARI.
[.Trr.Y 7, 10 1'..
THE WATCHER AT THE WINDOW.
WHEN I tool; '-The Laurels" on a.
three years' agreement the house agent,
a niiin of hysteric temperament, assured
me, \\itli ;i soli in his voice, that I was
entering paradise. For a tine I \vas
iiK-lined to agree with him (it was
certainly :i ino-it coinfoi-tiil)li! lionsei.
till one day my wife and J decided Unit
in future we would lireakfast in the
front room which overlooks the road.
Carelessly, light-heartedly we made the
change, little knowing what misery it
would entail.
To my mind there arc few sadder
sights iii life than that of a bulky man
running to catch a train. This was
what Wilkins, the stout,
elderly person who lived
three houses up the opposite
side of the road, used to
do every ''morning. At nine
o'clock, never a second sooner
or later, lie hanged his gar-
den gate and, passing my
hreakfast-room window en
route, ran all the way to the
station, a matter of about
half-a-mile, to catch the 9.6.
He ran very slowly, hold-
ing himself quite erect, with
a curious skimming effect
which gave him at a distance
the appearance of going on
wheels. There was no need
for him to run at all, since
another train left at 9.11 ; in
fact, this was the train, report
said, for which as often as
not ho had to wait four-and-
a-half minutes. Yet I never
saw him approach the station
in any other manner. Wil-
right to tho corner where it hent
sharply round to the station. When
\Yilkiiis passed our front window we
put the eggs in; when he disappeared
behind the cornel- \ve took them out.
They were always done to a turn.
Soon, however, I ceased to he aimuecl.
As morning after morning I watched
him fade strenuously into the oiling I
began to feel anxious about him. I
bewail 1o wonder whether he had caught
tho 9.(! or had missed it. I began to
see him making a wild dash for his
carriage, falling under the train and
being picked up a mangled mass; or
just managing to secure a seat and
sinking down hot, damp and hreatb-
in his 18-inch collar among his
Working-man. "An" THIS 'EKE POISON GAS BUSINESS! I'D
GIVE 'EM POISON C,AS ! I 'D CHOKE THE BLESSED LOT OK 'EM IN
ABOUT TWO TWOS."
Non-smoking fellon-pattengtr. " LESS THAN THAT, I 'M SURE."
kins, they told me (I did not know him 'fellow-passengers. Both pictures were
personally, nor had I any desire to), [distasteful, but it was the former whicll
was employed at the War Office, and j gradually grew i to possess a dreadful
sometimes I; wondered whether this i fascination for me. - 1 found it impos-
might not explain the mystery. The bible to make any real headway with
War Office holds many secrets un- , my breakfast till" I had allowed suffi-
known to the outside Ipublic. Perhaps | cient time for him to be killed, collected
the officials there were sworn never to j and driven home in tho station cab.
walk to their morning trains. How- i From 9.12 to 9.30 my eyes became
ever that might be, it was certain, , glued to the corner in the road round
at any rate, that Wilkins,* though a! which the vehicle would, I knew, one
married man, did not make a practice: day sooner or later appear with all that
of running home from tho station in was left of Wilkins. My wife sug-
tlie evening. Only once did 1 observe gested that we should breakfast again
him do so. On that occasion it was; in the room which faced the garden at
raining, and he had apparently for- the back of the house, but I could not
gotten his umbrella. tear myself away from my view of the
At first Wilkins amused me. lie was road. '.[ felt that when the day came
also useful in a way, because we wore I must know tho worst as soon as
able to boil our eggs by him. Mv wife i possible. After a while the suspense • "J1? -Klliscr ''asf,taken. s"P™,:e *••"»'»
bad an ingenious contrivance with a L,me so , rving , hat i began Uwisn S^5^S^*cKS
r performing this opera- each time 1 sat down to the table that quarters arc in the principality of I'li^s
tion at the breakfast table, and from we could get tho business over and ! Siberia."— /,iYc/;/>cof l>ail>j /'<«/.
sat 1 could see through a side- ' done with. Till Wilkins was killed I ! We hope this is not a mere misprint,
long way down tho road, | should never really enjoy my breakfast , but a case of "intelligent anticipation/:
again unless I put it oil till !>.30, which
is a later hour than 1 care for.
At last, feeling that 1 could stand
the strain no longer, I decided that the
only thing to do was to sublet " The
Laurels" and rent a house in another
quarter. It took me three months to
do this, three months during which I
lost jlesh so rapidly Tinder the strain
of watching for the cab containing
\\ilkins that my wife grew seriously
alarmed and called in the doctor, who
advised a v..yage to Madeira. ]5ut I
would not give in. I refused to leave
my post before the new tenant had
been secured. At last wo found him.
-1 was down early on the morning of
our departure, and spent some little
while in wandering round the
room, stopping occasionally
to ga/c through the front
window at. the house a little
way up the road in which
Wilkins was, perhaps for the
last time, eat-ng his break-
fast. It would lie a curious
coincidence, I reflected, if
ho were killed this morning.
Still, life was full of coinci-
dences ; stranger things had
happened. At two minutes
to nine my wife entered the
room.
" Have you got the eggs ? "
I asked in a low voice.
"Yes," she answered.
" Get them ready," I said,
seating myself at the table.
Nin3 o'clock struck, and
I waited nervously for the
bang of Wilkins' gate. It did
not come. A minute passed,
two, three, four minutes.
Still no Wilkins. '-This is
extraordinary ! ".I exclaimed. I jumped
up and hurried' again to tho front win-
dow. Yes, Wilkins' house looked
much as usual. The blinds were all
up. At seven minutes past nine we
decided that he must be ill, and boiled
the eggs by the clock on tho mantel-
piece.
Breakfast over (my first satisfactory
one for months), 1 went out to make
inquiries about \Yilkins. I learnt from
the greengrocer that after forty-two
years' service at the War Oflice he bad
retired the previous day on a pension,
and was shortly leaving for a little
placs which ho had taken in the
country.
.Iri.Y 7, 191.J.]
TINCir, OR THK LONDON ( .'II AIM V.\ 1M.
39
ChoUric Central (u-)u>xc staff luii-e been keeping a safe distance). "Now TUJii), otniLJiUEN, WHAT AUK YOU »X>LLOWU>O ME ABOUT
Full LIKli A DASHED BTUING OF SAUSAGES?"
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)
IT seems a pet formula with Mr. WILLIAM ,T. LOCKK to
take a number of pleasant, conventionally well-bred persons,
and dump into the midst of them a primitive and preferably
feminine savage. You may recall a previous instance of
his success with this. In Jaffet-y (LANE) lie varies the
ingredients, but repeats the success. Jaffcri/ was a big
man witli a beard, a war-correspondent, upon whose hands
a deceased colleague had left a young widow just plucked
from the mountain fastnesses of her native Albania. So
JaffiTii, guided by Mr. LOCKE, brought Liosha--&ufi\\ was
lier terrific name — home to the happy Berkshire abode of
Hilary, who tells the tale. Of course there was the dickens
to pay. There were others also ; especially when Liosha,
ii> that natural irritation that we all feel at the non-arrival
nt letters, charged the country postman with purloining
them, and wound up by flinging him into the ditch and his
Idlers after him. That is the kind of widow Lioalni was.
But Mr. Lot'KK does not rely wholly .upon her for his
intrigue. Jlil/ir;/ and Jul/'cri/ had a third friend, a pleasant
ineft'ed ive person named Adrian, who, to the astonishment of
the world and his immediate circle, suddenly blossoms forth
as the author of the Book of the Year. For my part, I sus-
ed Aili-inn from the lirst. Ho had a trick of turning pale
and snapping his wine-glass w lien people congratulated him
upon his masterpiece; conduct which I, who have met
many novelists, felt to he unusual. Moreover, I started
with the advantage of having read The Giant's Kobe. An\ -
how, I spotted Adrian's secret in once. What exactly he
had done, and how Jnffenj tried to mend matters, is for you
to find out. I am pretty sure you will agree with mo at
the end that Mr. LOCKE has written no more genial and
entertaining story than this.
In Hank and Riches (STANLEY PALL), Mr. ARCHIBALD
MARSHALL provides his readers (1 hope they are as largely
numerous as his skill deserves) witli another of his
delightful and placid surveys of English country life. He
has the authentic feeling for the countryside, its lanes and
trees and gardens, its squires, its parsons, its houses — in
a word, for its atmosphere, and he descriljes it and its
inhabitants with a loving and a careful hand. The story
opens with the downfall of. the Marquis of Meadshifl; and
the sale of his great house and its contents, to the new rich
man from the regions of high finance, Mr. Armitaye Brown.
Thence flow many complications and not a few collisions
between varying temperaments and traditions. The new
man does not fit very comfortably into his new life, though
his son and his daughter do their beht to make things more
easy for him. Yet Mr. Brown is in more senses than one
a man of metal, and entirely refuses to succumb to the
impertinences of the bibulous Marquis. In the interview
between the two and in other scenes Mr. MARSHALL gives
j pi'oof of his excellent turn for dialogue. He does not smash
up the weaker character at one blow, but gives him plenty
of strong arguments which have to be met anil fairly
defeated. Thus the issue is left in doubt up to the last,
and when the right man wins the reader is all the more
pleased. It is a great joy to meet once again some of. the
' characters of the Clinton novels. They are older, but are
otherwise their own agreeable selves. There is a good deal
j of pleasant love-making in this book, but the breaking out
of the War, besides making a considerable inroad on
Mr. Brown's millions, causes various semi-engagements to
.10 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
be left in .suspense. I can only say that if the Marquis of
Mnulxliiir r\c:itually -applies for Katie Brown I shall for-
l)id the banns, for "Katie is charming, and the Marquis
cannot .--airly bo loft within half-a- furlong of a bottlo of
\vhiskv.
mental. The leading character is a
Mrs. Kidston, ex-nurse at the Hall, v
The Tollhouse, gives its name to tl
Kiiltiton is an excellent person. In
War it had been her proud privilege
see the state prosession at the ope
There she was further witness of tl
German Ambassador's state coach, an i
exalted bv her to tho dignity of an " 01
For quite a long time I hoped that Miss ISAHKI, C. CLARKE
wai enjoying, doubtless at my expense, a laugh which
.,.,t,. ,11. i», liov i-noiw clip \vnnl(] invite 111O to sll;UV.
[JULY 7, 1915.'
particularly if 1 could have secured a vicarious
revenge hy working the jest off on you, I should have felt
she \\as within her rights and all would have ended well.
But unfortunately in Whose Xama is Lei/ion (HuTCHlNSON)
the laugh never turns up, for as the plot develops there
becomes ever more relentlessly apparent a serious purpose
of a quite unusually alarming character. Even if one
cannot altogether acquit the authoress of applying her
study in demonology to an end of sensation (though after
all she had to do something to keep things moving) the fact
remains that she lias set
out to light a flaring
beacon, a warning away
from Spiritualism and a
call towards Rome, there
being, it would seem, no
other path of which she
has ever heard. Whatever
the merits of her opinions,
there they are beyond mis-
take ; and that is no matter
for legitimate grumbling.
All the same I doubt
whether, even if you ac-
cept her positions, you will i
read to the end without a
considerable degree of irri-
tation. One would have '
thought that in the long !
intervals of small - talk t
between the lurid patches
there might ba ample
opportunity for neatly
tidying-up the odd threads
of narrative, but the truth
js that the writer's treat- -
ment of her subject is so crude and slipshod that, as a
story, it really does not hang together at all ; and so the
self-complacency of her assumptions goes unredeemed.
Possession by evil spirits is, to put it mildly, a theme to
be approached with discretion, and I cannot say that Miss
CLAHKE has shown much competence for so delicate a task.
Her book is neither very readable nor very wholesome.
The Tollhouse (SMITH, ELDER) is a War story, inasmuch
as it treats of English life since last August ; but, being
entirely simple and unambitious, it succeeds where others
of more ambitious scope have failed. Miss EVELYN
ST. LEGEB has written of an English village society of the
<j>lder and still feudal style, dominated by the squire, and
with the others, from parson downwards, respectively in
their proper stations. She shows how these placid folk,
preparing for the mild gaieties of a rustic August — cricket
matches, Primrose League gatherings and the like— were
overtaken by the bewildering upheaval of their ordered
existence: and she traces the course of their changed lives
throngh the months that followed. I have said that the
booh is pleasantly simple. At its best there is a touch of
Craftford about the style of it. But in places I will not
deny that the captious may find it a little sugary and senti-
Mn. BROWN-ORPINGTON TAKES PRECAUTIONS IN VIEW OP A POSSIBLE
ZEPPELIN RAID. AN EVENING SCENE IN THE POULTRY-RUN.
book. This Mrs.
In the year before the
'omen." The worst of
The Tollhouse, as of all War-tales published to-day, is that,
as the main plot is concerned with the punishment of
Germany, one has to break off with the villain still at
large. There are, however, subsidiary happenings, whose
nuptial termination pleasantly ends an attractive, if rather
undistinguished, little book, which may be of some value
as a record of our contemporary life, in the happier days
when it shall have ceased to be contemporary.
I cannot believe that Messrs. HUTCHINSON AND Co. would
give anything but an
honest and unbiassed
opinion of any book which
appeared under their im-
print; so, when they say
of The Crillingham Jliibirs
that it is "brightened by
innumerable touches of
Mr. EDGAU JEPSON'S in-
comparable humour," I
can only suppose (hat
they share with the
friends of Mr. Peter
Magnus the delightful
quality of being easily
1 amused; for, speaking for
! myself, I found that Mr.
i JEPSOJJ'S humpurdid very
: little by way of brighten-
! ing a story which certainly
needed all the brightening
1 it could get. I am dis-
| appointed in Mr. JEPSON.
There was a time, after
the appearance of that
_ jovial tale of his where
the villains spent their spare moments performing human
sacrifices in the back garden of a suburban house, when
I fancied that he was about to give the world a new sort ,
of sensation novel. But the promise of that story has
never been maintained, and Ttie Gillini/ham llitbies is
rather poor stuff. I have an idea that Mr. JEPSON is taking
too little trouble over these part humorous, part sensational
novels of his. It is true that they are not particularly
exalted literature, but that is no reason why he should not
pay a reasonable amount of attention to style and character-
drawing. It looks as if Mr. JEPSON did not hold a high
enough opinion of ibis book to read twice what he had
written, and I am bound to say that, if that is the case, I
can sympathise with him. I should not care to have to
read The Gillingham Rubies twice myself. But it is nice
to think of Messrs. HU.TCHINSON AND Co. chuckling over it.
From an article on " The Way to End the War " :—
" There would be no need to wait until we had reached an aerial
strength of, say, ten or twenty thousand machines. With two or
three thousand, which could be turned out in as many months, our
new aerial army could get busy."— -Daily Dispatch.
Even so, it seems that we must wait for a century or two
before the War in tho Air can start in earnest.
JULY 14, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
41
CHARIVARIA.
A contemporary, in drawing atten- 1 The way in which some papers are
tion to the disappearance of the top- always having their knife into our
\\K are requested to state that Lord hat in London, prophesies its reappear- 1 sportsmen is really a little unfair. For
FISMKH'S new post — Chairman of the ance after the War. We must say that | example, here 's The (Irimtlti/ \<-ws, in
Board of Inventions — in no way tallies > we think it very wrong of an influential an article on Canon QUIRK, winding up
with that filled by the Managing journal thus to hold out an inducement
Director of WOLFF'S News Bureau in for prolonging the War.
Germany.
We are glad to see that Dr. F. C.
* #
*
A little while ago, we are told, the
KAISER asked his favourite journalist
has withdrawn his nasty j what he thought about Italy, and
remarks about Sir EDWARD GREY. Sir : GANGHOFEH answered, " Your Majesty,
Kinv.utn will now return to the Foreign it is best for Austria and for us to
make Italy a clean house." To this
the KAISER said, " You are right,
an Ganghofer." So the Austrian and
Ollico without a slur on his character.
* #
Mr. PHILIP SNOWDEN moved
amendment to the National
Registration Bill, describing
the measure as " an unwarrant-
able interference with the
personal liberty of the people."
We sincerely trust that this
legislator has got a binding
undertaking from the KAISER
that, if his Huns come over,
there will be no unwarrant-
able interference of the sort
referred to. M *
The King of ITALY, accord-
ing to the Gazzetta del Popolo,
recently climbed into a church
belfry to watch the positions of
the combatants at the Front,
and remarked, " The House of
Savoy likes a good front seat in
the Theatre of War." Tastes
vary. The House of Hohen-
/ollern prefers the gallery.
*
Writing in the Berliner
Tageblatt Major MORAHT says I
that great difficulty is being ;
experienced by the Germans I
in Belting an adequate water <
supply in Northern Cham- ,
pagnc-. .i />r»i>os of this an
Indignant wine expert writes
io us: — "Only barbarians
would think of watering Champagne."
At times we are frankly puzzled to
know what to make of the Germans.
We used to think that they lacked
humour, and yet read this — from
the \V»<'xV Xiichrichten : — " Our foes
ask themselves continuously, How can
vve ln-st g3t at Germany's vital parts?
What are her most vulnerable points ?
The answer is, her humanity — her
trustful honesty."
* *
A curious result of
pointed out, is the
First Trawler Skipper~*(to friend who is due to sail by next
tide). "AiiE YE TAKIN' ANY PBECAUTIONS AGAINST THESE
SUBMARINES, JOCK?"
Second Skipper. " AY ! ALTHOUGH I 'VE AYE BEEN IN THE
HABIT o' CABBYIN' MY BITS o' BAWBEES wi' ME, I WENT AN'
BANK1T THEM THIS MOBNIN1, AN* I'M KO TAKIH1 MA BEST
OILSKINS OB MA NEW SEABOOT8."
First Skipper. " OH, rot; 'BE A' BICHT, THEN. YE 'LL HAE
PBACIICALLY NAETHIN* TAB LOSE BUT YEB LIFE."
the War, it is
fact that our
actresses are now being photographed
with their mouths shut. One would
lia\e thought that at such a time all
British subjects ought to show their
teeth.
German Ambassadors were withdrawn
from Italy. „, ,..
* '
Mr. JOHN COLLIER'S exhibition at
the Leicester Galleries doas not contain
a single problem picture. The reason
of this is, we understand, a patriotic
one, which does him credit. The dis-
tinguished painter wishes the nation to
devote its entire energies to the War,
and not to fritter them away in an
attempt to solve his conundrums.
# *
As the result of a letter from Sir
FREDERICK TREVES the anti-fly cam-
paign is being prosecuted with renewed
vigour, though some (including the
flies) are still of the opinion that we
should be better advised to wage one
war at a time.
with the remark, " It is questionable
whether he knows what it is to quarrel
with anyone. He is a keen sportsman
nevertheless." ^ +
-:
Dr. FISHER, medical superintendent
of Shoreditch Infirmary, stated last
week that measles is the most danger-
ous epidemic in this country. Surely
the time has now arrived to give this
disease a more impressive name.
* *
The German officer, GUN-
THER PLUBCHOW, who escaped
from Donnington Hall last
week, can be identified, we
are told, by a Chinese dragon
which is tattooed on his left
arm. It is thought, therefore,
that it is unlikely that he is
going about disguised as a
little girl in short sleeves.
* *
*
The War's first birthday will
take place shortly, but it is not
proposed to have any public
celebration — not even in Ger-
many. + .,.
*
We are sorry to hear that
our troops in Egypt are feeling
the heat. A sharpshooter with
a gift for vivid description
writes home : — " At the present
time Egypt has two principal
sources of irrigation : (1) The
Eiver Nile; (2) Me."
Death in the Cup.
' ' The German forces surrendered
absolutely unconditionally yester-
day. General Botha presented an
ultimatum to the Commander,
which expired at tea-time yester-
day."— Iteuter.
We presume that the Germans, by force
of habit, had poisoned its drink.
Altruism.
" 10s. Reward for little White Dog, lost from
5, Lake Road. — If not returned please call for
the licence." — Portsmouth Evening Neivs.
" After eleven months of war, there is not a
German port outside of Europe, except in the
Baltic and North Sea."
Newcastle Evening Chronicle.
It was always expected that the War
would alter the map of Europe.
"Switzerland is prohibiting the export of
soft and second quality hard cheese next
autumn and winter, and first quality cheese
(Gruyere, etc.) will only be allowed to leave
the country under control." — Evening News.
Cavalry escorts will be provided for the
more active varieties.
VOL. CXL X.
42
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JULY 14, 1915.
WANTED: A CENSOR OF THE HOUSE.
You little folk — just voices, nothing more —
Who love to figure on the Chamber floor,
\V allow in sentiments of Teuton tint
And see your prattle reproduced in print ;
Here in these islands, on your native sward,
Wo know you (not in person, thank the Lord),
And on the advertising space you fill
Can put its proper value, which is nil.
But yonder, in your friend the enemy's land,
Where nobody begins to understand —
Where Truth 's imbibed from very ancient founts
And still they think a politician counts —
Where those who judge us have no measuring-span
\\ hereby to tell a midget from a man —
Out there the Press reports your childish chatter
As though it fell from mouths that really matter
And Berlin says : " They grope without a guide
Now that the expert, A, has come our side ; "
Or "Britain's Empire crumbles at a touch —
Her leading statesman, B, has said as much."
And Huns who never heard your names till now
Suck it all in and wear a radiant brow,
Crying, " Turn on the gas ! Our Gott begins
His tardy punishment of England's sins ! "
Records of shining courage, such as spur
Limp hearts to action, frequently incur
The india-rubber of the Press Bureau
Lest they afford a wrinkle to the foe ;
But you, who give us words in lieu of deeds,
Content to blather while your country bleeds —
Who with an envious malice ply your mission
Of carping at a patriot Coalition,
Of hounding with the old sectarian hate
The men whose only party is the State — •
No Censor has the pluck, it seems, to tackle
The copious spout of your putrescent cackle ;
At large it spreads for enemy eyes to view
And, viewing, picture England torn in two.
Had I my way for just a little spell,
[ would expunge your words and you as well,
Who by your alien tricks have fairly earned
The Anglo-Bosch's right to be interned. 0. S.
RUNNING THE WAR.
[After the bland method of Mr. ARNOLD BENNETT every
week in " The Daily News."]
I APPEAR to have been sharply brought to book in sundry
high places for an observation which I made in this
column last Friday, namely, that I anticipated that the
War would be over in about three weeks. Exception was
taken in the same quarter to my contention that it wasn't
so much a war as an international job. I can only say
.hat, as my readers are surely well aware by this time I
know all about it, and more than that I mean to go on
vnting about it. A man can't always be writing novels-
hat is the truth about an author. If I must once again
produce my credentials I may add that I approach the
iroblem with that expert and well-grounded knowledge
European warfare which is the fruit of a life-long
udy of the social conditions of the Five Towns We
lave had too much of the fatuous din of experts This is
Our war.
Some of my many friends call me an Optimist, but I can
nly ask them to look at the matter squarely, or rather to
allow me to put it before them in its true light. There are,
as we now know — some of us — three important and
imminent developments which are calculated to end the
international job suddenly at any moment. The first is
known to every one ; the second is still the secret of the
higher command (and myself) ; the third is known only to
me. But there they are. A Tory lady of my acquaintance,
— yes, a Tory lady — recently used these words to mo : " If
we don't win this War we shall lose it, and that means
that we shall be defeated, and Germany will be victorious."
1 assured her that I would rather be sneered at as an
Optimist than hold such reactionary views as these.
The Government have more than once had from me (as
my readers know) words of warm encouragement and
approbation. I repeat that they are an incomparable
body of Ministers who have consistently shown the greatest
genius in handling this War — that is, this international
job. At the same time they are continually perpetrating
criminal blunders, and that is where I come in. It is
imperative that I should keep setting them right. I have
as I have repeatedly remarked) a very large correspondence
nowadays abcut social matters. And I am always at it.
You wouldn't believe. Only last Tuesday I visited a girls'
school in Sevenoaks, where a proposal had been mooted to
teach the elder pupils to make respirators ; and not long
ago a special friend of mine, who is a leading Trade
Unionist, personally conducted me over an engineering
shop in Bolton. So I have the whob thing at my
fingers' ends. And I emphatically warn the Government
that some things need altering.
The country is united and will stand as one man behind
the Cabinet in any step which they decide to take. And
yet my own private opinion is that there are certain steps
'of which I strongly disapprove) which, if taken, would
split the country from top to bottom. I say advisedly
-hat there are forces at work.
Instances can be given in my own neighbourhood. I
ind it better to give these personal instances which come
under one's own eye simply because they are of such
extraordinary general interest. Last week an elderly lady
connected with the Soldiers' and Sailors' Help Society called
and interviewed my cook, whose husband is in the A.S.C.
Let me say at once that the S. & S. H. Society is doing
nagnificent work of a far-reaching nature. I have ascer-
tained that fact for myself. I made a spscial point of
dropping in not long ago to have a talk with the local
secretary. I impressed him very favourably). My cook
vas subjected to the closest cross-examination as to
vhether in the absence of her husband she was well fed
nd cared for in my house. Now that wants altering.
Take again the case of Bob Higgs. He is a great friend
sf mine. I know him well. He is an agricultural labourer,
le tells me he was twenty-three on the 18th of May last.
T should say that he is unmarried and has red hair and
Iways fills his pipe with his left hand ; 5ft. Siins., the
Idest (living) of a family of five. Ho had a dispute with
lis employer about wages and made up his mind to enlist.
I need hardly say that the employer was quite in the
vrong; employers always are, though I hasten to add
hat they have one and all shown magnificent patriotism
i the present crisis). Four times Higgs tried to pass
he doctor, and every time he failed. So he is forced to
tay at home. That wants altering, though candidly I
on't quite see how it is to be altered, as 13ob Higgs has
nly one eye.
Meanwhile there is an international job to finish and we
nust get on with it. The German line in the West is
till unbroken, and they are pushing forward in the East.
"'hat wants altering.
H:\OII, OK TIIK L')\I>:>\ CIIAi;iYAi;i. .JULY i |,
THE ENEMY, M.P.
Mn. PUNCH. "TIIKSE SELF- ADVERTISING PRO-GERMANS MAKE ME SICK.
WANT IS A CENSORSHIP OF PARLIAMENTARY REPORTS."
WHAT WE
JULY 14, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
45
WAR-TIME ECONOMIES.
"Eat two ounces less meat a day." — Daily Press.
Conscientious Youth. "FATHER, YOU'VE GIVEN ME AN EIGHTH OF AST OUNCE TOO MUCH."
BREAKDOWNS AND REPAIRS.
THK rain was being swept across
the dyke-lined Hats by a stiff easterly
breeze. Everything was cold, wet and
glutinous with mud. The loose planks
at the bottom of the trench squished
and sucked to the movement of im-
patient feet.
Peter Simmonds surveyed the scene
gloomily. One of a new draft, he was
unaccustomed to the local conditions
and felt completely out of touch with
his now profession; also he desired
oh.
" Bit off, I call it." He turned to his
companion, a lugubrious old timer who
chewed tobacco steadily and vouchsafed
no u'ply.
lie tned iigniii. " Cawn't stand this
blinkin' rain. Wot the 'ell are we waitin'
The other man eyed him scornfully.
" I u i yal Artilloree, o' course," he replied ;
"<l'\er think we're waitin' for the
champagne ter come erlong?"
As if to vindicate this statement,
shrapnel began to explode over the
(iennan trenches some 400 yards in
advance. At first occasionally, and
then, when the range was secured, in
growing volume until the sound was
something beyond all knowledge —
certainly beyond the knowledge of
Peter Simmonds. His small body
seemed to grow smaller and his eyes
started out of his head like those of
a captured rabbit. Presently, with a
rush of air that almost threw him
down, a large projectile passed just
over him.
"Gawd! wot's that?" he shouted,
clawing at the man stationed on his
! left.
" Common shell," was the reply.
" Clearin' away wire hintanglements
preparatory to the advance."
Peter wilted still further at the word
" advance."
"When the hintanglements is cleared
j away, as requisite, the Captain blows
'is little whistle and the Company
I advances hat the double — at least, them
I as ain't 'it does."
This man's loquacity was almost as
j bad as the phlegmatic attitude of the
other.
The shell fire slackened a little.
" Look "ere," cried Peter to no one
i in particular, " I ain't well, I ain't. I
! ought ter be in 'orspital, that's where
' I ought ter be."
" Garn," said his left-hand neighbour,
" you ought ter be in a pramberlater,
you ought. Wot avocation might you
'ave been pursuing before you come
out 'ere ? "
" Shuvver," replied Peter, scenting
sympathy. " I drove a ' General '
Barnes and Liverpool Street, that was
my lay."
" An' what brought you to this yer
state of military hinefficiency ? "
" Well, yer see," Peter hesitated and
sought for the truth, " I 'ad a bit of a
skid at 'Yde Park Corner and knocks
over a privit kerridge, knocks an old
gent aht of it too — Earl o' Something,
'e was. The old blighter said I was
racing one of them Blue 'Aimnersmiths,
and that puts the kybosli on my job of
motorin' . . . Wasn't 'arf a skid, I
tell yer."
Peter's reflections were interrupted
by a renewal of the shell fire. A subal-
tern came down the trench and spoke
to the men. He spoke to Peter, but
Peter didn't hear; his mind was already
occupied.
After what seemed an interminable
period there was a shrill blast of a
whistle, followed a second later by
another from the opposite point of the
46
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JULY 14, 1915.
compass. Before the second whistle Droppmg Ins rifle he c ami med on
had ceased to souu.l. Peter's genteel to the road, and proceeded to wade
and intelligent friend ha 1 scrambled to towards the bus
' '
t,.,. of'the trench; the uncommuni-
Wot's er matter?" he enquired.
Z*?£Z£SZ on Ws right was " Matter/' snar.ed the gj,^
. He was already on do I know ? Am t 1 trying to find 01 it
even more
.
l,is bet and advancing out of Peter'B Think 1 want to stay _
Vaguely Petei felt that some- ton of ammernishion .'
thin- ought to "be done. He clawed
at the slimy hank in front of him,
ere
A s
bullet
He clawed tore through the mud at their feet.
One of them through the cases and
clutched' a dump of twitch era on up we goes," cheerfully remarked one
the brow of the trench, and pulled him- of the A.S.C. men.
self up. Then his terrified brain
*l :K k->ned from its objective, his
lingers loosened themselves, and
his inert, half-conscious body
slid back into the trench.
For some time he lay in the
muddy water mentally dazed.
Somewhere he could hear
sounds ; the crack of rifles, the
incessant tap-tap-tap of machine
guns, and the occasional smack
of a bullet into the soft earth
above his head.
At last he realised that the
water that was soaking him
was extremely cold. He sat
up, and, staggering to his feet,
began to move along the trench.
Around him was an indescrib-
able nerve-racking clamour, but
he had the trench to himself,
anyhow. One thing fixed itself
in his mind; whatever happened
he was not going to leave the
trench. He was quite resolved
on that point. Eventually he
came to a cross section which
abutted on to, and commanded, \
a road. This was the limit of
his perambulation. Here he
decided to wait. His patience
was inexhaustible ; besides, he
was ill, very ill. He had barely
settled down when the drone
of a motor struck upon his ear.
Gradually it became more dis-
tinct; evidently it was approach-
ing him by the road. Peter
I out cautiously. Yes,
there it was — a 'bus undoubted-
ly— a motor-'bus, moving with
obvious reluctance through a sea of
mud.
Peter, fascinated, watched its pro-
gress ; watched it struggle to within
twenty yards of him and then break
quarter nut there? " he enquired briefly.
The driver fetched it obediently.
A bullet touched the corner of the
up-flung bonnet and sang away into
space. Peter didn't even look up.
" Nah then ! " he cried, " start
'er up."
The engine coughed, backfired and
finally rattled into life.
Peter, unchallenged, climbed into the
driver's seat.
" Up yer git ! " he cried, " all sereno !
Where might yer want this
blawsted ammernishon took ?
'Ammersmith Broadway?
Barnes? Mortlake ? . . . Oh !
i 'advanced firing line.' Righto!
| 'Old tight."
They proceeded onwards at a
speed which would have satis-
lied a Surrey policeman. Half
a mile brought them into what
Peter described as "an 'ell of a
beano."
Here they halted to unload.
For the next half-hour a small
pale man with gleaming eyes
and a great deal of mud and
grease on him might have been
seen, knee-deep in mud, hauling
recklessly at ammunition cases
and cursing with tremendous
gusto.
It was Private Peter Sim-
monds come unexpectedly to
his own.
CORNERED.
"NOW, MR. TOMLINSON, YOUR TAILORING BUSINESS IS
BOUND TO MOVE SOON. WHEN THE BUSH COMES YOU WANT
TO BE PREPARED. NOW, SlR, WE CAN'T LEAVE THIS SFOT
UNTIL WE ARE RELIEVED. So, WHILE WE ARE WAITING,
JUST HAVE A LOOK AT THIS LOT OP SUMMER SUITING
SAMPLES. THIS IS A LINE IN WHICH OUR FIRM CAN'T BE
TOUCHED, AND WE CAN DO YOU ANY OP THESE AT BEFORE-
THE-WAR PRICES, TEN PER FOR CASH INSTANT DELIVERY.
HOW'S THAT FOR A DRESSY LOUNGE?"
For the Dog Days.
Extract from Company
Orders : —
"Pangbourne.
DRESS. — Men arc reminded that
correct walking-out dress is khaki
puttees and canes. No other dress is
to be worn except on parades."
A section leader of the Hert-
fordshire Special Constabulary
is even more solicitous for the
comfort of his men, for in an-
nouncing a special Sunday in-
spection he says : —
"DRESS. — Armlets only to be worn.'
down.
The
driver jumped off and tore
open the lor.net. Two A.S.C. men
joined him, and together they juggled
feverishly with the mechanism. Noth-
ing happened.
Peter looked on with growing con-
tempt. " I'loomin' gardeners," he
muttered anil became less cautious.
Vive uneventful minutes passed.
Peter could stand it no longer.
Peter sidled round to get a better
view.
Suddenly he gave a shout. The
driver dropped 'a spanner and then
swore as he groped in the mud. " What
yer making that noise abart ? startlin'
people ! "
" Gor' blimey ! " exclaimed Peter
with emphasis, "if it ain't 527 — old
'Gruntin' Liz!' Lived on 'er eighteen
months, I did. Got me the sack, she
did. 'Ere, let me come," he shouldered
his way in masterfully, "I'm acquainted
with 'er, I am."
He began to overhaul the engine
with expert fingers. " Got a three-
" Enormous masses of troops are getting
into position and assembling at Gargantuai
the stores and ammunition needed for i
general engagement." — Natal Adrertiser.
This is the most interesting item o
news we have had since the capture o
Point d'appui by the French.
"At 2.33 a.m. H.M. ships, together \vitl
the tows and the destroyers, proceeded tc
within some four miles of the coast, H.M.S
Queen (Hying Real-Admiral Thnrsby's tla-
directing on a point about a mile north o
(lalia Tepc." — Daily Chronicle,
No doubt the Imitation - Admira
Thursby displayed his flag elsewher
to mislead the enemy.
-Iri.v 14, 1910.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
47
NEW LIGHT ON NATIONAL FINANCE.
Now that War week-ends have had
to take the place of holidays I have
Come to expect Sinclair and the
1,'everend Henry on the first Friday of
every incnth, hut on this occasion
Sinclair was a day late. It happened
to he his police week. Henry greeted
him warmly.
1 am part.icularly glad to see you,
Sinclair," he said.
" We want to consult you," said I,
"ahout finance. Henry and 1 have
been waiting for you to put us right.
\Ve have had a touching faith in you,
Sinclair. \Vo have always assumed
that you were sure to know."
"Well, what's the trouble?" de-
manded Sinclair.
"It has now become clear," Henry
began to expound, " that the national
need of the moment is individual
economy. Of course we a;e keen to
play up, hut we are a little uncertain
what steps to take."
" Why, use old golf balls," said Sin-
clair.
1 1 wonder, "said the Reverend Henry,
turning to me, " if he is really going to
Ix- much use to US ? "
"I doubt it," said I. "But let me
try."
Go ahead," said Sinclair.
"The question is," I began, "after
having got rid of the more glaring
luxuries, how we can best conserve our
national resouvcss."
" Well, give up golf altogether."
Nevertheless I went on calmly. " By
what means," I asked, "can we best
--land hy the Government in financing
I he War?"
E should countermand the new
mowing-machine and travel third -
said Sinclair.
1-1 There are two ways in which we
'mi help. By buying the War Loan
and hy reduction of imports."
That made Sinclair sit up at last.
" Ah," he said. " Imports ? "
" Yes," said I sternly. "It's like
this. 1 i you buy apenny box of English
Hatches your penny goes to the chap
who made th.; matches, It stays in
he country and helps to fight Germany,
it if you buy a piece of india-rubber
"h your penny it goes to some out-
nder in the tropics (who grew the
•ubber) and is lost."
That, of course, is perfectly simple,"
he Reverend Henry broke in. "The
eal difficulty is with regard to the
War t,mt.n "
THE OLD FORMULA.
Wife. "LOOK, GEOBGE— MY NEW RBSPIBATOB."
George (preoccupied). "On! BY JOVE— YES ! SUITS YOU DEVILISH WELL, MY DEAR."
War Loan.
Ah, yes," said Sinclair. ."I see
now. You want to know whether you
•nght to proceed by way of voucher or
pptioaticn."
I dc.n't feel as if you were going
to give us much light, Sinclair," said
Henry. " The point is, the loan ought
to be bought out of cash savings."
" Well, I 'm not in this," said Sinclair.
"I haven't got any cash savings — far
from it."
" That 's just our difficulty," said I.
" Henry, for instance, has no cash
savings, but he has some investments.
Alkalis. I don't think he knows what
they are, but they are reputed to be
worth some £600. He got them from
his aunt. Henry proposes to sell his
Alkalis and invest in War Loan."
" Excellent," said Sinclair. "I might
even sell my Nitrates."
"But don't you see the flaw, Sin-
clair?" said I. "These Alkalis not
being cash savings, if Henry sells them
some one has got to buy them."
" And the fellow who buys them,"
Henry put in, " has to pay six hundred
pounds for them (I shouldn't let them
go for less) and is thereby prevented
from buying — as he otherwise would
have done — six hundred pounds' worth
of War Loan. So we are no further
on."
"But he might not be the sort of
chap that would want to," suggested
Sinclair.
" We can't afford to build on that,"
said I.
Trnre was a long thoughtful pause.
Then Sinclair came out strong at last.
" There is only one way out of it,"
he said. " We shall have to sell our
stuff, Henry, to that beggar in the
tropics who grows the rubber."
1 Those who have volunteered explanations
[of the real pronunciation of their names]
include Dean Inge, Lord Strachie, the Baroness
Orczy, Sir L. Chiozza Money, and Mr. W.
Somerset Maugham — who, by the way, says
that his name is pronounced just like the word
' Waugham ' in ' It is a Waugham day.' "
Daily Mail.
We regret to learn that the eminent
dramatist pronounces his name to
rhyme with Warm. This will throw
the Scotch completely off the track.
They will be calling him Maughrrrm.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JULY 14, 1915.
THE WATCH DOGS.
XXIII.
MY DEAR CHARLES,— No sooner had
T posted that letter to you about leave
raiirrllo.l than news was received
that leave was restored. Half-an-hour
later I was to bo seen galloping for the
nearest rail-head in the mess - cart,
moving with all possible speed from
the area in which minds are changed
so suddenly ; in a few hours I was on
the boat, catching my first delighted
glimpse of that trim white island of
ours, and agreeing with a weather-
beaten Major, who had no doubt clone
his bit of grousing also in his time,
that "it was worth going to a little
trouble and expense to keep that intact."
On our return to the War, we found
that developments unfavourable to our-
selves had taken place in our absence.
When men refer to the curse of drink,
they usually exempt cider, but our un-
doing was due to nothing else. Let us
begin at the beginning.
You will recollect that, arriving in
France at the end of February and
having rushed from place to place
trying to poke our nose into this battle
we eventually took over our private
stretch of trench at the end of March.
One's conception of " the trenches "
was then merely a dotted line; when
we got to them we found this was just
about correct. We knew we were in
them, because we were so informed on
the best authority, but there was little
to show for it except here and there a
large hole with an adequate water
ration at the bottom of it, now and
then a sandbag affording cover for the
feet and ankles, and an occasional piece
of fascine, protecting one from the gaze
of the curious if not from the bullet of
the spitefully inclined. It only re-
mained for us, we were humorously
told, to " improve." This we set about
to do, applying such principles of build-
ing without materials as we could re-
member from Robinson Crusoe and
HAKIUK'S Admirable Crichton; utilis-
ing the services of our men, who, given
picks and shovels, could turn the Earth
inside out in a week, and having for
inspiration the missiles of our interfer-
ing friends the Germans. If you ever
want to make bricks without straw (or
with straw, for that matter), tell your
labourers what you want and then set
someone on to shoot at them from a
distance of about ninety yards ; you '11
soon have all the bricks you want.
Eventually there appeared a breast-
work lane which, allowing for the
absence of lifts and the shortage of
electric light, I may at least describe
as eligible. Some great man of the
• —
engineering department inspected us
and praised us. To the officers, who are
Drain-workers merely and gullible, this
was a pleasure and an incentive, but
with the men, who shift the soil and are
unused to praise, it aroused suspicion.
Had they been allowed to have their
way, they would have done no more
and left it at that; but our enthusiasm,
being superior in that respect to their
energy, was infinite. Safety being
assured, comfort was attempted ; rows
of model dwellings for the men, semi-
detached villas for the officers and bold
designs in variegated sandbags to catch
the public eye, appeared on all sides.
An enterprising Sergeant-Major's bat-
man mobilized a large tub and took in
washing, while I for my part got out
the plans for a County Court, for the
adjudication of disputes between out-
going and incoming tenants consequent
upon the system of battalion reliefs.
It became the habit of all kind old
gentlemen in red hats in or about the
neighbourhood to come along our line,
in its less disturbed moments, and
make extravagant remarks, whereat
the men smiled cynically. I feel at
times that if all officers were sent home
and the whole affair was left to the men
;he War would be finished in twenty-
'our unbusinesslike but determined
hours. At other times I incline to except
;he Platoon-Commanders. This is un-
doubtedly a Platoon-Commander's war.
I am a Platoon-Commander myself.
It was when our servants, having
already the energy of the men, addec
to this our enthusiasm, that our ruin
befell. The early regime of the single
one-course meal a day, consisting o:
the mere ration, soon gave way to an
elaborate menu ; our servants even
went to the length of discovering a
potato-bury in the support trenches
and supplying us with pommes-de-terre
nouvelles long before the p.t.n. season
should properly begin. We took tc
sitting on real chairs, eating off rea
tables; our captain, on special occasions
drank from a real tumbler. Once tha
desperate but loyal villain, Green
narrowly missed running into the arm
of a military policeman as he escape<
from those of an infuriated lady o
seventy, whose cottage garden he hac
despoiled of its fairest roses. Don'l
however, underrate this cook of ours
he may have the looks and some of th
gifts of a professional burglar, but h
has also gentler arts. He has sine
fed, by invitation, off the generosity o
that brave lady, and so, I am tolc
have we.
We lacked only a cellar. The win
of the country is as disappointing a
its coffee ; our fellows bethought thei
of cider, purchased a barrel, and, re
gardless of the pain and shame involved,
trundled "same" in a perambulator to
the trenches. The first cool draught
vas being drawn when the nicest and
Idest nice old gentleman of all, in quite
ic reddest hat, blew in ...
No, there were no cross words or
•owns even. In fact the tumbler was
reduced and Distinction drank our
ealth. Later we were addressed,
ublicly, as follows: — "The improve-
icnts you have made are excellent."
f here was no specific reference to the
•vine-list). " We are sorry to part with
ou, even for a period while you carry
n your good work elsewhere. The
eturn to hard, or deficient, conditions
vill merely give you new scope ; the
angers will inspire you to even greater
uccess. If you find your new place a
lot one, you will, we are sure, leave it
s comfortable. We look forward to
eeing you, all of you " (this with a brave
mile), "back again shortly." That,
3harles, is what comes to you for
iscovering perambulators in the least
ikely spots and adapting them to
Bacchic purposes. Old Adam himself
iad no harsher words for apples in
general than we had when we arrived
it our new area and found that it
consisted of a bare field, for the moment
occupied by a thunderstorm.
Have you ever coped with the problem
of spending a night in a flooded meadow,
mdeavouring to find consolation in the
act that it is, at any rate, not so bad as
t will be in a couple of hours' time?
There is nothing to do about it ; you
must just lie down and go to sleep,
[f you stay outside your valise you will
catch a death of cold ; if you get inside
your valise a lot of companionable rain
will get in with you. There is no
solution ; you sit on your kit trying to
make up your mind what to do ; later
you try to make up your mind as to
what you are making up your mind
about. The men, as usual, met the
situation with irrelevant songs, and
the next morning or the next one after
that you wake up to find there are no
such things as rain or colds. I like
this view of the situation now, because
the sun happens to be shining ; at the
time, however, I seem to remember
that an air of disapproval prevailed.
I have just been up to look at our new
trench. My Company is in luck ; of
the two trenches it is to occupy to-
morrow, one has ceased to exist to-day.
This appears to be a habit, for when I
suggest to the present occupier that i
should be rebuilt, he begs to inform me
that the trench has been rebuilt .
twice daily for the last month or so.
It looks as if I shall have something
to tell you next time I write.
Yours ever, HENBY.
Jtu.v 14, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
f
.,-;
THE DANGERS OF PEACE WORK
Joan (to/alto-, urto 7m. tost hi* head in dealing u-itk refractory purely). - DAD ! DAD! SHAH I CUT IT, on CAIX MA?"
OUR JUMBLE SALE.
(To M. H.)
As the prospect of providing our efficient village nurse
With a reasonable salary had gone from bad to worse,
T\v:is no wonder the Committee should incontinently hail
Mrs. Jones's apt suggestion of a giant Jumble Sale.
In this world of mingled motives single-hearted folk are rare
•\s Mrs. Jones herself would be the foremost to declare,
And, though she truly meant to lend her energetic aid,
On the wardrobe of her husband she had planned a special
raid.
The date was fixed by Mrs. Jones, who wisely put it down
For a day on which her husband had arranged a trip to town
Co attend the annual meeting of the Hatless Heretics
tad couldn't possibly get home till nearly half-past six.
Mr Jones was very happy with his daughters and his wife,
\n<l ho led in his peculiar way a wholly blameless life ;
bad played of late a leading part in beating up recruits,
til he had a perfect passion for accumulating boots.
!<• had boots described as "rational"; boots made of
badger skin,
\n,l boots called "anatomical," the toes of which curved in ; i
le had boots to euro the various ills that torture human !
feet —
n fact, he 'd every kind of boot that wasn't smart or neat.
Vt'll, the Sale went off quite swimmingly ; the people came
in crowds
Vom every social stratum, the dandies and the dowds •
\n,l Mrs. Jones's happy thought, the free refreshment stall
is patronised perhaps the most extensively of all.
There were hats and caps and collars ; there were ancient
evening suits ;
There were old perambulators and accordeons and flutes ;
There were antiquated bicycles and stylographic pens
And seltzogenes and curling-tongs, and cats and cocks and
hens.
I saw an aged farmer's wife, a most forbidding crone,
Carry off the works of BROWNING and a battered gramo-
phone,
While the station-master's daughter for the sum of two-
and-three
Bought a pair of motor goggles and a pound of China tea.
There was only one exhibit where the takings in tlie till
Presented the deplorable totality of nil;
It was in the boot department, where, in serried ranks
arrayed,
The historic Jones collection was impressively displayed.
The prices weren't prohibitive : the highest figure there,
i As well as I remember, stood at 3s. 6d. the pair ;
| So it must have been the fearsome shapes the makers had
designed
i That had an adverse influence upon the rural mind.
Nearly everything of value by the afternoon was sold,
And the takings made a goodly pile of silver, " bronze " and
gold,
So the Eector then gave notice that the undisposed-of stock
Would be sold by public auction at half-past six o'clock.
Not long before the auction Mrs. Jones had come away,
So you '11 easily imagine how she felt the following day
On receiving by tlie carrier a monumental sack
Containing all her husband's boots — for Jones had bought
them back.
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JULY 14, 1915.
AT A PROVINCIAL TERRITORIAL DINNER.
Waitress to Chairman (the Mayor of the town). "THE CAPTAIN THANKS YOU, Sin, FOB THE HONOUR, BUT HE SAYS HE 's T.
SPEAKER TO RESPOND TO THE TOAST."
Chairman. "OH, TELL HIM WE'RE AM. BAD SPEAKERS." Waitress. "I'VE TOLD HIM THAT, SIR."
OUR VOLUNTEER CORPS.
BY A VILLAGER.
OUR fine old warrior, Major Chrustie,
of Tiffin Lodge, raised it, and is its
commandant. He is patriotic in heart,
soul and cellar, and to hear him de-
nounce the Huns saves fuel in cold
weather. He found "an ahle secretary
and recruiter in Green, our auctioneer,
who, being an expert in pinching and
appraising cattle, is just the man for
gauging human physique. He soon
roped in the early spring and late
autumn of Larkfield manhood, a big
platoon strong. He even got me,
though my game leg won't go far side-
ways, and I can never" hope to form
fours properly (on which I understand
victory in the field so much depends).
We have had a hard training, includ-
ing a special sermon from our Vicar,
and are already widely known as the
Larkfield Dare-Devils.
Now our contemptible neighbour,
Sloshley, has a Volunteer Corps too,
but it is nothing to ours. We have
tunics — they haven't ; we march
smartly — they flop about anyhow ; we
have been promoted to aim at the
running perambulator drawn by a long
rope — they are still in the haystack
stage. I intrude this trivial subject of
Sloshley only because we went out to
fight them last Saturday afternoon.
The Major of course led us, and a brave
show we made when we " debauched "
(I believe that is the correct military
term) on to the road to Wild Heath,
where the battle was to take place
under the eye of a real Colonel of Terri-
torials. His fife and bugle band kindly
played us part of the way ; after that,
those of us who could whistle whistled,
and to this stirring accompaniment we
completed the four-mile journey to the
Heath like so many Alpine Chasseurs,
all of us having, by advice, soaped our
socks and boraxed our toss for three
days beforehand.
At the Heath we were met by the
Colonel.
" This your infantry ? " he inquired
of our Major.
'Yes, Sir."
' Where are your machine guns ? "
' On this piece of paper, Sir."
' Very good ; post them in what you
think is the most strategic position,
and your troops too."
So the Major fastened the guns to
a strategic gatepost with a safety-pin
Then he spread us out along an adja-
cent hedge and ditch, and ordered us
to lie down and try to look as if we
weren't there.
There we lay for what seemed
week, rifles firmly grasped, sivaining at
the leash. No word was uttered, except
when the nettles became intolerable,
and then only one. All this time
Sloshley never came near, the pol-
troons ! At the long last, however, the
Colonel galloped back and shook our
Major heartily by the hand.
" I congratulate you on your victory
he said.
" What victory Sir ? " exclaimed the
puzzled Major ; " we have never stirred
or seen a soul."
" Oh, that's all right," was the reply,
" the battle was won by the superior
disposition of your machine-guns. Your
opponents had placed theirs where they
could only fire on themselves ! '
So, exulting, we turned our faces and
marched back towards Larkfield, home
and beauty. Only one man fell out
(into a passing cart), having used the
wrong soap for his socks.
PUNCH. OB THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— JULY 14. 1915.
PRIDE BEFOEE THE "FALL."
'1015' "THERE WILL BE N0 WINTER CAMPAIGN. THE WAR WILL BE OVER
WILLIAM JUNIOR. "POOR OLD FATHER! HE SAYS THAT EVERY YEAR."
4 the KAISEB promised his troops that they should be "back in the dear old Fatherland before the fall of the leaves."]
14, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CIIAIUVAKF.
53
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
(EXTRACTED KHOM THI: DIAUY OP TOBY, M.P.)
House of Commons, Momlni/, J/il//
btlt. — When ,S'/Y Iliujh Hrnnx came
across Mtlst/t //'disguisei I as a woman and
attempting to escape from the house of
one of the Mcrr// HVrr.s of tt'int/xor his
quick eye penetrated the disguise.
" 1 like not when a 'oman has a
great peard," he said. " I spy a
great peard under her muffler."
The Welsh parson was not to
he taken in by attempted fraud.
Neither is Sir THOMAS WHITTAKEK.
Under the muffler of National
Registration Bill, described by
WALTER LONG (in moving Second
Heading) as simply designed to
clear the reproach that we have
no record of the human resources
of the country, he spied the peard
of Conscription. Accordingly
moved amendment which, if
carried, would have effect of
throwing out the Bill. In animated
speech, cheered by PBINGLE, 'Oo,
OUTHWAITE, KING and other States-
men, he described the measure as
designed to "hold a candle to the
devil."
The MEMBER FOR SARK, prag-
matically practical, pointed out that
such service would in normal cir-
Domonstration the more surprising
since at Question time I'HIMJ: MIN-
ISTEB emphatically declared that no
such action as introduction of forced
labour or conscription was contem-
plated by the Government. In moving
Second Heading, WALTER LONG en-
larged upon and emphasised this con-
Ministerial Whip addressed to both
wings of .Ministerial army brought up
unusual muster. Upon the division
amendment rejected by 253 votes
against 30.
done. — National Registra-
tion Bill passed Second I tending.
House of Lords, Tuesday. — MIDLETON
opened interesting debate when
moving resolution enjoining the
Government to take immediate
steps to reduce civil expenditure
of the country. Showed that total
amount of debt incurred, on
assumption that War expenditure
is closed by 31st March, will be
£1,292,000,000. On account of
War pensions and interest on new
debt there would be available
a sum of £62,000,000 to meet a
charge of £77,000,000. Only way
to confront this grave position wau,
he urged, establishment of drastic
economies in regard to finance.
Twenty years ago the Civil
Service Estimates amounted to
£20,000,000. To-day they are
thrice that sum.
In absence of LEADER OF HOUSE,
LANSDOWNE replied for Govern-
ment. Gently hinted at possible
inaccuracies and exaggerations in
statement of his long-time colleague
,,., ,.*-!,,, i. ..,",1.^ ~ t rp™Li_ i i _i* i
1'i.i.rx ou»ucmciiu ui ins long- time colleague
" IF HE WAS GOING TO START HIS APPRENTICE-HAND on other side of Table, but did not
oumstances be unnecessary, and AT TAKING SOMEONE IN, HE WOULD NOT BEGIN WHH controvert main contention Pro
if tendered must prove ineffectual. ™E PBIME MINISTER."
Understood to be light enoug "in *'• L°»0 ™ '*« Registration Bill. m'sef ft lnstl u « careful scrutiny
tho p<sHM;«lnr ,nf „( fi v L- ' Not able to state at this moment
e.edto InanL Peonage , tradiction. WHITTAKEB in course of I what particular kind of machinery
In any case a candle would preparing his mixture disclosed true will be set up for the purpose. But it
*V»«*Mh*kJ li. T 1 I • I • ^.r * .
inwardness of the revolt. In addition
" , " vycviuiicno ui 0110 itjvoiu. in addition
WHITTAKEII not m the mood to listen to the superfluous service proffered to
Continued speech which j the devil as mentioned, he hotly de-
;o reason.
•j- ,-, ~tr" 3iitiLiiieu, no iioLiy ae-
HERBERT happily described as ; clared that the Bill was " the first real
' intemperance mingled with irrele- i fruit of the Coalition."
"\rf\r\ftf\ " Tf i>m4n»..l _/ *__ .1 T i i -. i
vance." If instead of mingled be had
said mixed it would have vaguely sug-
Ay, there 's the rub.
Debate, occasionally heated
even
meter marking eighty-four
n the shade.
HAYES FISHEB, taking
tindly to the Treasury
Jench from which he has
ong been exiled, dis-
3overed in WHITTAKEB'S
peech a violent and vi-
uperative attack upon the
TOra MINISTER. Debate
uid division notable for
eavening of minority with
appreciable proportion of
x-Ministers. HOBHOUSE
nd ROISEBTSON both
poke against the Bill.
I'RKVELVAN and LOUGH
voted with the minority,
which of course included
SNOWDEN and Herr
GlNNELL.
, ,n inr,
" ' 8 g
Mr. Snou-dcn. "Go AWAY! Go AWAY I Yon MAY LOOK INNOCENT
)UGH, BUT I M SURE YOU'RE A WOLF BENEATH YOUR SKIN."
["Behind the speech of the Minister there was the idea of compulsion "—
Mr. Awmbn.]
wouldn't be a Eoyal Commission.
ST. ALDWYN, speaking with authority
of ex-Chancellor of Exchequer, generally
confirmed MIDLETON'S description of
state of affairs. HALDANE took gloomy
view of future. Predicted that after the
War the country will be poorer ; many
fields of commerce and industry,
hitherto an exclusive possession, will
be broken in upon.
This sufficiently de-
pressing. Gloom deepened
when JEREMIAH LOBEBURN
followed. Silent for some
time ; but could not resist
temptation to join in these
Lamentations. CASSANDRA
quite a cheerful companion
compared with him. What
he saw in the future was
universal bankruptcy of all
the great nations. Finan-
cial ruin would, he feared,
be the prelude to revo-
lution.
MIDLETON consented to
substitute for " imme-
diate " the more blessed
word "effectual" as
qualifying " steps to reduce
LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JULY 14, 1915.
All," ho would say, looking round ' lie came in grim as usual, seated him-
!<•' to tlioolfce of Postmaster-General, time, though ho always implied ,
" Ill,,,, on.. L2SS? oE««X in- More the War he was a kind of LEND- on the extraordmary slackness of the
" -
.
dicatinfl 1'ost Ollice reforms and now cum-BlimEM,). "I fail tosee theshght-
ost s'n liat fche natlon
British public when Dobbins tackled
him.
" Look here, Bromley,' he said, " we
all think it would be better if you took
'of Commons, Tkandag.— the War in earnest. On my way
Su.l.lenly out of string of dull ques- here I counted eighty-four stalwart
tions pleasing prospect presented it- . men who ought to he m uniform.
self Ciuo/zv MONKY was catechising Skulkers! That s what they are
UNDER- S,V,U:TVKY PC « WAR on sub Last night I looked in at the Colossus , •' According to your own account you
j.vt ,,f firms ' engaged in making just to get the War off my mind and are golfing, motoring and doing the
anitSns brine deprived of services saw hundreds of men who ought to ; halls as usual-al of course because
(Bromley turned almost apoplectic).
munitions bein£i deprived ui ocjr»^v>o ^i«.. ..«.. — ^ -e.i .•
f their workmen UNDER-SECUETARY,be at the Front. I could not enjoy you want to see if the nation is slacking.
asserting that a particular firm was ; the performance for a moment. On It 's not good en.
exempt from recruiting, CHIOZZA
suggested the rule should be
made general.
"One might," said TENNANT,
" spread oneself at large on that.
I am sure," he continued persua-
sively, when inexplicable burst of
laughter following on simple re-
mark had subsided, " niy hon.
friend does not .desire me to do
that. I am sure I should do it
with great reluctance."
Pretty to see UNDERSECRETARY
draw himself up to full height,
as if, after all, he might, if it were
of real public service, at least
endeavour to "spread himself at
large."
Bminess done. — National Regis-
ter Bill read a Third time amid
mutual compliments lavished by
those who had taken part in heated
debate.
THE MAN IN EARNEST.
A TIP FROM MR. WASON.
[Mr. CATHCART WASON asked the CHANCELLOR OF
AFTER lunch we gather in the THE EXCHEQUER whether he would reconsider his
Smoke-room for a peaceful half- decision with reference to vouchers of smaller amount
hour. It is a cheerful time If than five shillings for such purposes as "administering
we talk about the War, it is only gratu
most pleasant Saturday I was up at the golf links,
moves by the X It seemed to be a case of pleasure as
of Y ; huge usual. The club house was quite full,
to circulate the
rumours. Great
Army in the region
numbers of captured submarines in
(Even the Censor
that). And then
the harbour of Z.
cannot object to
cheered by this friendly meeting we go
back to our labour of producing khaki
or war export articles, of pushing the
War Loan, or of converting our plough-
share stamping machines so that they
may produce shell caps.
We should be quite happy were it
not for Bromley. Bromley belongs to
that peculiarly aggressive type of man
born early in 1874. The first six
months of 1874 were prolific in warriors.
It is most unfortunate for the country
that they are all now just over military
age, otherwise the Germans would never
stand a chance. Well, we are all quite
cheerful till Bromley enters.
though I will say that many of them
had the grace to go out when I talked
about the necessity for national earnest-
ness. Then on Sunday the Portsmouth
Road was literally crammed with motor-
cars. When 1 think of
the
I
grim
can see
determination of Germany
nothing but ruin before us. Our
Government " - and then Bromley
would let himself go about the Govern-
ment. Strange as it may seem we
don't like abuse of the Government,
though a year since we were saying
things which must have made LLOYD
GEORGE'S and CARSON'S ears burn.
. Every day the earnest wet-banket
would come, till at last the smoke-room
went on strike. We arranged a plan
and waited expectantly for Bromley.
doesn't need your supervising eye.
Come down with me and join
the Specials. Or go with Harrop
there and be a Red Cross orderly.
You could scrub floors if they
wouldn't trust you with anything
more important. Or let Craven
book you as taking ten thousand
of the War Loan. He 'd stand
cigars round if you 'd do that."
"It's this frivolous spirit that
will ruin England," began Brom-
ley. " Nobody is in earnest —
"What you've got to bother
about," interrupted Craven, "is
getting more earnestness into
yourself, Bromley. You're only
earnest about other people being
in earnest. Be earnest enough
to knock six months off your age
and tell a good straightforward lie
for your country. Why, under
present circumstances GEORGE
WASHINGTON would have lied and
his father would have patted him
on the head for it."
Bromley rose to his feet and
strode out of the smoke-room.
Then Craven said a bitter thing :
" I believe that man on the sly is
a leader-writer."
Another Impending Apology.
" London, Friday. — The Central News is
authorised to announce the engagement of the
Hon. Ivy Gordon Lennox and the Marquis of
Titchfield, son and heir of the Duke of Port-
land.
Lots of women give more thought to the
selection of a gown than of a husband."
Glasgow Evening Times.
Extract from a letter written by a
Sergeant to The Southern Daily Echo: —
"LAST NIGHT'S METEOR.
SIR, — It would be interesting to know if any
of your readers noticed any special or un-
common object passing through the heavens
yesterday evening, in addition to myself."
The gallant N.C.O. does not mention
his corps ; but we gather that he be-
longs to the Sky Terriers.
JOLT H, 1915.]
PUNCH, Oil THK LONDON CHARIVA I; I.
Dick. "COMB ON, MOLLIE — I'LL BE A FRENCH SOLDIER, AND YOU CAN BE A GERMAN."
Mollie. "No, THANK YOO. I'll GOING TO BE WHAT DADDY IS — A GLASGOW AND SOUTH-WESTERN HIGHLANDER."
ON THE SPY-TRAIL.
VIII.
Jimmy says the butcher's boy wants
to buy his bloodhound, Faithful ; lie
wants to have him stuffed. It was
because Faithful had been studying
spiders iind how they did it.
You see Jimmy's bloodhound had
been slerping on the lawn, with all the
windows open because it was so hot,
-.ml when be went back to his kennel
Jimmy says ho found a spider had
bunded up the entrance with a web.
Jimmy says Faithful sat and looked
at the web, and then pushing his head
into the middle waggled it about and
tried to look like a bluebottle.
Jimmy says that when the spider saw
i-cess it could hardly believe any
of its eyes at first, and then it made a
living leap and landed with all its feet
In the middle of Faithful's back. Jimmy
sa\s the spider ran along as bard as it
could, and was just letting itself down
hand over list from the end of Faithful's
tail when Faithful caught sight of it.
Jimmy says Faithful tried to wag
pider off, but it only made it swing
backwards and forwaids, and it was all
il'ul could do to keep time with his
so :i ; no', to take his eye oil' it.
Jimmy says Faithful tried to twirl the
spider, but it gave him a crick in the
neck watching it, so he decided to
stalk' it.
Bloodhounds are good stalkers, Jimmy
says, and it "s because they keep one eye
on the object.
Jimmy says Faithful stalked the
spider round and round, slowly at first,
gradually working up to top speed
until he was doing well over thirty ;
then he jambed on the brakes suddenly
and swung round on his own base so as
to meet the spider coming the other
way.
The butcher's boy stopped to watch
Faithful. Jimmy says everyone knows
the butcher's boy because he has got
red hair and wears a blue apron, and
when he washes his face he looks like
the French flag, and then you have only
got to whistle the Marseillaise to get
him to tight you.
When the butcher's boy saw Faithful
pursuing himself, he said he had seen
sheep like that, and it was because they
had a worm in their heads.
Faithful never caught the spider, and
it made him think more of spiders and
their ways than ever; he couldn't
manage to spin a web, no matter how
he wagged his tail.
Jimmy says the butcher's boy got
very friendly with Faithful. He al-
ways greeted Jimmy's bloodhound
every morning. He would say, " Good
gracious, there it is again," or simply
" Help ! 1 " One day Faithful was
sitting on the wall looking into the
road and wondering how he could make
a web to catch German spies, when the
butcher's boy stopped to admire him.
He told Jimmy he had often seen people
look like Faithful ; it was when they
wanted to sneeze and couldn't. He
then made a noise like a dog that has
been bitten by a wasp, and Faithful fell
off the wall into the road.
Jimmy says the butcher's boy had a
basket fixed on to the front of a bicycle
and he told Jimmy he was taking Mrs.
Jones's ribs, Mr. Brown's liver and
chops, and Mr. Smith's kidneys to them
because they wanted them.
Jimmy says when the butcher's boy
started to ride off Faithful kept jump-
ing up to kiss him good-bye. Faithful
wouldn't leave off, Jimmy says, although
the butcher's boy kept bending down to
try to blow him away.
It made the butcher's boy laugh, and
then he tried to ride as fast as he could
so as to leave Faithful behind. Jimmy
says he might have done it if he hadn't
ran into a boy wheeling a barrow.
Jimmy says everybody was surprised
except Faithful, and he just selected
PUNCH Oil THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
Fair Stranger. " OH, SIB ! Do BTOP MY DOG FIGHTING 1 "
Nervous Patriot. "Es — W-WE ABE ALL FIGHTEBS TO-DAY, MADAM.
(Makes off hurriedly).
H-HE '8 GOT THE BIGHT SPIBIT. I-I MUST NOT INTEBFKUK "
two chops and went and sat down
under a bush on the far side of the road.
Then Jimmy understood. Old Faithful
had been on the spy trail all the time ;
lie had spun a \veb and was quietly
waiting for his prey.
One of the old gentlemen showed
Jumbo how to side-step very quickly,
until the man standing behind told him
not to.
The man standing behind the old
gentleman was telling him how you go
Jimmy says the name of the boy with ! home and put ice on your head, when a
the wheelbarrow was Jumbo, because motor-bicycle came round the corner
when the butcher's boy looked up from and told everyone to move right away
under the wheelbarrow he said, ''Hello,
I Jumbo ! I see you."
ever so far quickly.
Jimmy says the motor managed to
Jimmy says Jumbo had been trying ! dodge the barrow and would have
to stand on his head in the barrow and ! cleaved the bicycle if it hadn't skidded
he was discontented with the butcher | on Mr. Brown's liver. Jimmy says you
boy's red hair. He told him to go and
put his hair out and threw Mrs. Jones's
ribs at him. He then gave the basket
a good kick and began to whistle the
Marseillaise.
Jimmy says several people stopped
to watch the fight, because it was dis-
graceful, they said. There were two old
have to practise a lot before you can
turn on people's livers, and the man
made an awful mess of it.
Jimmy says that the motor-bicycle
buzzed about like anything, and old
Faithful came rushing out to have a
look at his luck.
Jimmy says they had to carry the
gentlemen who had come out of their \ motor-man into a house to put water
gardens to say how disgraceful it was. on him to bring him round, and as they
One of them showed the other a mark
on his knuckle where a boy had once
lost a tooth, and the other said lie had
once fought twenty rounds and his nose
never would be quite straight again.
were carrying him he suddenly opened
his eyes and said, " Was giebt es ? "
One of the old gentlemen got very
excited at this, Jimmy says ; he shouted
out, "He 's sprekkening Dutch," and he
Jimmy says the butcher's boy was a j said to the motor-man, " Sprekke Sic
good fighter, he fought with his head, 'Dutch, "and the motor-man said, "Nein,"
and when In; did it Jumbo used his j and went off again.
\\ciglittositdown. j Jimmy says everyone was very pleased
with everyone else, but no one praised
Faithful ; in fact no one said a word to
Faithful except the butcher's boy, and
ne only inquired how much it \vculd
cost to have him stuffed. Jimmy says
.t was enough to make a bloodhound
give up the spy-trail.
Humour at the Guildhall.
"The LORD MAYOR introduces Lord
KITCHENEE."
" Champion Whippet-Bull Terrier, kill any-
thing living, fond of children and water, 8s. ;
good guard ; exchange chickens."
Feathered World.
Like the Terriers of our Army, this dog
seems to have very soldierly qualities.
"The Turkish sniper is no match for the
Kangaroo hooter." — Evening News.
Zoologists are anxiously awaiting
further details of this new and valuable
species of Australian fauna.
" Tho cricket professionals at Lord's arc
making net horsebags for the use of the Army
horses in their spare time."
Evening Standard.
We understand that our cavalry chargers
have for a long time en joyed considerable
leisure.
JULY 11, \'.nr,.}
PUNCH, Oil THE LONDON CM A III VA III.
THE BLUEBOTTLE CAMPAIGN.
V-
I. THE AMBUSH.
III. VlCTOKY.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[.JULY 14, 1915.
THE WAR-LOAN FORM.
" I WISH," said FnmcrMM, " you would come out of your
armchair :uid help 1110 to (ill up this form."
• r'onns" I said, "are the easiest things in the world.
You 've only got to —
•• Zee," sfif said, " I know all you 're going to say about
the wonderful simplicity of forms, hut they don't strike
me in that way. I 've never yet seen a form that didn't
paralyse me."
" Has this one paralysed you ? "
" Absolutely."
" That 's serious," I said. " What 's it all about ? "
" I 'in not sure. I think I did know once, but it 's all
gone from me now. I think — mind you, I 'm not certain
— but I think it 's about the new War Loan."
" Oh," 1 said, " you "re going to be a capitalist, are you ? "
"Well, I'm going to invest some savings. We're all
going to invest fome savings. Muriel and Nina and Alice
and Frederick. They 've all given notice to withdraw their
money from the Post Office, and they 're going to put it in
the War Loan. Muriel and Nina want bonds, but Alice
and Frederick have decided for vouchers. They don't
know what vouchers are, but they're quite determined to
have some or perish in the attempt. I 'm doing mine
through my bank."
" Bravo," I
said ; " that 's the true spirit. How much
are you going in for ? "
" Do you think a hundred would do ? "
" Certainly," I said. " A hundred would do if you 've
got a hundred."
" Yes," she said, " it 's there. I 've saved it out of the
housekeeping 'money." /'
" That 's thrift," I said. " You give me less to eat by so
many joints of beef and dishes of buttered eggs and —
" We're all in the same box, anyhow."
" Yes, but we don't all get the savings. You get those."
" Of course I do. Who else should ? "
" All right," I said, " I won't press the matter. Really,
I 'm all for it."
" Come along, then," she said, " and tackle the- form."
" Eead it to me," I said. " When things are read to me
they always sink in better."
" Put down your paper, then, and listen."
" Don't be too hard on me. Let me go on reading
Mr. BELLOC on the Russians. It 's most comforting. Besides,
I can always listen better when I 'm reading a paper."
" It 's no good," she said. " Put it down."
" Very well," I said. " I shall remember this. If a man
isn't to be allowed to read his BELLOC in peace and quiet I
don't know what things are cpming to."
" They 're coming to business — hard and solid business.
Now listen : ' To the Governor and Company of the Bank
of England, London ' — that 's a good beginning, isn't it ? "
" Splendid," I said. " It simply couldn't be better.
Here 'a a woman who has saved somebody else's money,
and one of the results of her thrift is that, she 's to be allowed
to write to the Governor and Company of the Bank of
England, London."
" Are they real people? " she said.
" Real people ! The Governor and Company — real people !
Francesca, what do you mean '.' "
" Oh, I don't know. I had an idea all that sort of thing
was done by machinery now."
" Don't be frivolous," I said. " If you were to meet the
(Jove; nor of the Bank of England iii Threadneedle Street
and run a pin into him, he'd jolly soon show you whether
lie was machinery or not."
"I should never dream of doing such a thing. I 've l:e:)ii
much too well brought up. Still, it would be rather nice,
too. A pin into the Governor of the Bank of England —
hut no, it 's impossible."
" Don't dwell on it, Francesca, or it '11 get the better of
you. Go on reading from the form."
" Lend me your ears, then. ' Blank hereby request you
to allot to blank a in brackets pound-mark blank comma
say blank pounds of- the above-mentioned Loan comma in
terms of the Prospectus of the 21st June 1915 semi-colon
and blank hereby engage —
" Stop, stop ! " I cried, " for Heaven's sake, stop ! "
"Why interrupt me?" she said. "I was just getting
into my stride."
" Your stride 's too much for me," I said.
"Oh, haven't you 'understood ? I'm so sorry. I'll read
it out again : ' Blank hereby request you —
" Stop it, I say."
"Oh, very well, then," she said. "I thought men could
always understand that sort of thing. That 's what they 're
here for, isn't it ? "
" Hand me the form," I said firmly. " It 's as simple as
A, B, C."
".Of course it is," she said, " when a financial genius gets
hold of it. But I 'm only a poor woman, and anything like
a rule of three sum or a calculation of per cents always
reduces me to pulp.- -Still, I should like to help just a
little. I '11 dip your pen in the ink — oh ! what a naughty
blot ! Mop it up quick! The Governor and Company can't
bear blots. 'Name of Applicant in full.' Down it goes:
Francesca Carlyon. Doesn't it look grand? ' State Title if
any.' You can say it was an oversight in the last Birthday
List. Why should they want to know that ? Probably the
Governor hasn't got a title himself if the truth were known.
Anyhow, it 's a mere bit of swank. There, you 've done it.
Clever man. How shall" I deal with it now ? "
" It only wants your signature.'-
" Well, let it want for an hour or two. I 'm not going to
humour it too much' all at once."
"And then," I said, "you can take it"tory5ur Bank-
manager with five pounds and the thing 's done."
" Actually done ? "
" Yes, for the moment."
" Oh," she said, " the moment 's good enough for me."
• R. C. L.
V.M. B.
(" What did YOU do, Daddy, in the Great War?" —
Recruiting Poster).
YEARS on, when Winter waxes murk and stormy,
And nightly by the cheerful hearth we meet,
My wife (whoever that may be) before me,
My offspring romping round their father's feet,
Thus, Sirs, shall I reply should they demand
The tale of how I helped my Motherland : —
" While fitter men for England, dears, were fighting,
I bared my arms and slaved for her like — well,
Like billy-oh ; I stopped my stupid writing —
Left, so to speak, the poet's lyre (or " shell ") —
And all my strength of muscle and of mind
Devoted to the high-explosive kind.
" These hands shall witness how I did my duty ;
Though pink again is every battered nail,
Though healed the blisters once that marred their
beauty,
Not all the soaps that e'er were put on sale,
Not all the waters of our Island seas
Could rob my palms of their callosities."
JULY 14, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR TIIK LONDON CHARIVARI.
59
j
HUMOURS OF
REMOUNT DEPOT.
Sergeant (to recruit, lately a motor meclumic) . "Now THEN, WHAT FOB ABE YOU FUMBLIN' AT THE BACK OP YEB SADDLE? LOOKING
FOR THE BRAKE?"
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)
Mr. B. PAUL NEUMAN is one of the exiguous group of
persons who have reason for gratitude towards WILLIAM
THE FuujHTFUii. Because if it had not been for the War
I fail to see how any suitable end could ever have been
readied in Oliver (SMITH, ELDER), while, as things are, the
end, if perhaps a little mechanical and arbitrary, is at least
!i]>]ini]>ri;iU'. Ulirer might be called a study in paternity.
Perhaps you recall how Mr. NEUMAN has already done
well with the same theme ; it is one that seems a deserved
favourite of his. Oliver is the story of a weak man, first in
his relations with his father, then with his own son. The
thing is remarkably well done, a close and unsparing treat-
ment of a subject by no means easy. The hard undemon-
strative father, and the nervous boy who never quite
understands him, have, of course, appeared before in fiction;
whore the present story breaks new ground is in showing
the morbid weakling, himself a parent, haunted still by his
old fears, and, to his bewildered and almost worshipping
delight, finding in his own son the strong dependable
personality that he himself could never attain. The scenes
between grown-up Oliver and Roland seem to me both
sincere and profoundly moving. It may possibly be
objected by the severe that there is some excess of senti-
ment, especially in the end. But life is always sentimental
to persons like Oliver. Whether you will believe in him,
suddenly transformed into a motor -transport officer, is
another matter. You will at least appreciate a great piece of
writing in the account of his dash through an enemy patrol
on his way to what he thought would be his boy's death-
bed ; young Roland, also serving, having been reported
dangerously wounded. And after all it was Oliver who
died in his son's arms. True or net, this makes a fine end
to an original and successful story.
Mr. SIDNEY Low, a man of parts in matters of high
politics, provides us in The Spirit of the Allied Nations
(BLACK) with a convenient little tabloid of comment and
instruction on the salient forces at work in France, in
Russia, in Belgium, in Serbia, in Japan and in the British
Empire. (This was before Italy came in). Each nation
is allotted its own expert, and the thing seems to be quite
well done up to the convenient standard of the extension
lecturer. One can't attempt to summarise a summary of
such vast issues, but I think that the normal reader will get
most joy from the account of little Serbia, who so tactfully
obliged the Austrians, when setting out on their punitive
expedition, by themselves doing the punishing, smashing
methodically first the Austrian's right, then the centre, and
finally the left, with losses to the enemy of 38,000 dead,
92,000 wounded, and 62,000 prisoners. It is not a story
that anybody in later ages will find easy to believe. . . .
And that speech of the old King to his soldiers goes far to
blot out a terrible memory. It is also good to learn of the
60
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JULY 14, 1915.
splendid comradeship in their army, officers summoning
their men to tight, not as men but as brothers. Yes, cer-
tainly, altogether a fine little ally to have.
If you do not take the precaution to read Mr. MARMADI/KK
I'ICKTHALL'S preface to Tales from Fife Cliivmei/s (MILLS
AND BOON) the title may not unnaturally bewilder you.
The simple explanation is that Mr. PICKTHALL, having
written a number of stories entirely unconnected with each
other, was at a loss for a generic name, and so called them
after the house whence they were indited. Personally, I
think he might have done better, especially as the tales
themselves are as good of their kind as I remember to have
met in a great while. There is in all a vigorous and uncon-
ventional air of honesty about people and events that is
excellently refreshing. For an instance I might refer you
to one called " The Prude and the Wanton," an exquisitely
human study of a simple-minded
old governess summoned to give
evidence in the divorce case of a
pupil whom she loved and trusted.
It is possible that these stories
have appeared before in magazine
form, but I think it unlikely ;
they certainly bear no evidence
of the manipulation that secures
a happy ending and the subscrip-
tions of a serial public. Of a
book of this kind, where there is
no one theme to describe, I can
only tell you that I found the
whole of unusual quality, and
leave you to select your own
favourites. But, in case you should
not want to read the volume
through, I might indicate (beside
the story mentioned above, which
should certainly not .be missed)
two others, " Love's Convert," a
pleasant little comedy, and " Virgin
and Martyr," a piece of irony
quite horribly effective. They are i
characteristic examples from a i
collection that I have greatly en- j
joyed.
life it reflects is already as extinct as the dodo. But
for this very reason I shall the more look forward to
her next.
of Nicholas Frcyilon: an Auto-
a very pleasant literary puzzle'.
I found The Record
biography (CONSTABLE)
The editor's prefatory note, modestly assuring me that any
defects were his own, any virtues his friend's, of course
made me assume a fake in the consecrated manner of these
things ; and that impression was not removed by "Frcydon's "
own introduction. But when he charmingly set down tlie
memories of his childhood, of his father and of their voyage
out from England to Australia, I said to myself, " But this
reads true." And yet again I couldn't quite see in their
life in the derelict barque Livorno on a deserted shore any-
thing but a fancy ; the convent orphanage did not convince
me (the avarice of the sisters I could believe but not their
cruelty and indifference) ; and most
of all that Pickwickian person Per-
kins, the " Omnigerentual and
Omniferacious agent " of Dursley,
seemed so obviously a creation, and
a very creditable one at that. Also
"Freydon" here begins to recon-
struct alleged happenings and
conversations with altogether too
much detail. Several times again
before the end I found myself
leaning towards the theory of
j authenticity. Authentic with ob-
vious glosses is probably the truth ;
anyhow it will serve the timid critic
for a compromise. The man who
wrote this record had seen tragic
things. One shining quality is a
love of England, of the beauty and
the glory of her, a love that holds
her exiled sons with silken cords
of loyalty and tenderness and draws
them back to her as to home in
the hour of their peace or of her
trial. Certainly "Freijdon's" editor
(or creator) must be congratulated.
Auntie (having tried every other distraction). " LoaK,
BABY! SEE THE PBETTY ZEPPELINS!"
One can at least say of The Jealous Goddess (LANE) that
it begins unconventionally. A hero who in an inefficient
attempt to rescue a young woman from some roughs gets
so battered by them that he has to be rescued himself by
the fair one, and, on being assisted to her studio, promptly
faints on the mat, certainly breaks new ground. Of course,
though, for all this transposition of the ordinary gambit, I
couldn't be greatly surprised when Nora and Tommy fell
each into the other's arms. But Miss MADGE MEARS had
several more unconventionalities up her sleeve. For one
thing, the relations between Tommy and his shiftless but
amiable father are new. So is the treatment by Tommy
and Nora of their offspring, with whom they were so
frankly bored that they very gladly accepted the offer of
adoption made by a childless actress, who is not only the
kindest but much the best drawn character in the book
Most startling novelty perhaps of all is that Tommy,
though a dramatist, is left at the end without an income of
five figures. He must, I think, be almost the sole example
of this in fiction. Anyhow, Miss MEAKS— whose name is
new to me— seems a writer with a pleasant knack of
leaving the trodden paths, and this may carry her far.
Her book was quite obviously written before last July ; the
(CHAPMAN AND
When a
some such
HALL), it is the
novel is called by
title as Plain Jill
new War Loan to a
gooseberry that the heroine, if not strictly beautiful, is- to
be mightily attractive. But Jill, bless her, in possessing
remarkable and distinctly attractive eyes, a lovable smile,
extremely fine teeth and a healthy complexion, got rather
more compensations for her bluntish nose and nondescript
chin than I expected. Indeed her "plainness" did not
prevent her from perforating the hearts of an Earl and an
American millionaire. Possibly Jill will be a little too
successful and perfect for everyone's taste, but all the same
she is a delightful creation, and if you can bear a simple
love-story, with only a faint dash of psychical interest
thrown in, I recommend Mrs. PENDERED'S book to your
notice. And I will add that, in contrast to the fictional
duchesses I have lately been compelled to meet, the Duchess
of Macdeuyh is quite reasonably like a human being.
"Ho took a First Class in Classical Moderations in 1853 and a
First in Litaniores Humcrse in 1855."— Morning Post.
The invention of new Schools goes on apace. Only a few
days ago The Pall Mall Gazette published an Honours List
of the Tricycle Tripos at Cambridge.
JKIA 21, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CII A KIYAKI.
61
CHARIVARIA.
FROM The l),tihj Mail:— "The Daily
suggested on Saturday that j
It may not be generally known that
cannibals an; advised by their medicine
men never to toucli Germans, as it lias
l>< 'rn ascertained
tbat they nearly
certain amount of
the same quantities, but they are buy-
ing smaller ones. Indeed, an artist
friend of ours, who painted a canvas
14ft. x 22ft., declares that be had several
offers for half-a- dozen square inches of it.
* * '
*
"THE TAKING OP THE HARICOT
GREAT EXPLOIT OP THE FRENCH"
Observer.
Yet our Allies are more accustomed
to give beans than to take them.
MI'// suggested ou DMuraav mat j oeen ascertain!
General Botha might be called in to | always contain
our aid in Europe. The Government j Prussic acid! ,,, ...
have speedily taken up the suggestion
and Lord Kitchener lias telegraphed to The books of the New English Art
General Botha: 'We shall warmly Club show, says The, Weekly Ditpatch,
welcome you and tho South Africans that people are still buying pictures in
who can come over to join us.' " This
is interesting as showing that the
Government now realises that a
suggestion from certain quarters must
b.1 treated as a command.
Dr. SVEN HKDIN, who was present
at the fall of Lemberg, states that the
Russians did not take so much as a pin
before they left the city. The Germans
have always declared the Russians to
bo ignorant of military prin-
ciples, and this, they say, just
proves it. .,. 3
*
The Tdgliche Rundschau,
which is not much given to
compliments, describes our
WINSTON as " a skilful but
characterless peacock." The
ex-FiusT LORD is said to have
been pleased at being likened
to this beautiful bird, and has
come to the conclusion that
the writer must have seen him
one day in his little Homburg
hat. ,; *
' *
A young aviator, writing
home in a hurry, says : " From
where I am it takes about
forty minuets to get to the
German lines." For ourselves
— not being in full War training — we
always get a little tired after the
thirtieth minuet.
* *
We hear that one result of possible
further raids by Zeppelins is a boom in
the fancy pyjama trade in London.
* f *
Meanwhile, as we expected, anti-
poison masks of a less terrifying pattern
are making their appearance, and we
hear of one which has real fur eye-brows,
and another with a bewitching smile
cleverly painted on it.
The Editor of The' Outfitter is respon-
sible for the alarmist statement tbat
shirts and neckties will shortly be
advanced in price, and the only thing
likely to remain at the old price is the
linen collar. A well-known nut ex-
presses the hope that Lord FISHKU'S
Inventions Bureau will immediately
work out a satisfactory contrivance for
keeping the collar in position when
there is no shirt to fix it to.
The Pessimist (morbidly). "I TELL YER WOT IT is. THIS
'EKE WAR 's COIN' TO LAST FIVE YEARS."
The Other. "WHY
ENJOY YERSELF?'
however hard up the Germans may be
for cotton, Wolff's Agency will always
be able to supply them with yarns.
Consistency.
A Press notice informs us that so
marked has been the success of " Tho
Man who Stayed at Home" that Mr.
DENNIS KADIE has given up his usual
holiday and will continue to appear in
the title r6le throughout the summer.
" Sir Albert Spicer will to-day present to
Lord Haldano the address signed by about 00
Liberal members of Parliament."
Eastern Daily Press.
On this occasion Mr. LLOYD GEOROE
has not issued any contradiction.
"In America it is true that our general
rules of evidence and principles of law are
mainly followed, and there is very little dan-
ger of an innocent defendant being
acquitted." — The Globe.
We suppose it is by way of
compensation that so many
guilty defendants are allowed
to escape conviction.
"The Listowel R. D. Council and
Guardians have passed a resolution
stating that they considered the age
limit a gr^at hindrance to enlist-
ment, as tho fighting element was
not properly matured in Irishmen
until their 50th year."
Limerick Chronicle.
This phenomenon is not con-
fined to Ireland. In this
country also there are thou-
sands of young men who are
only waiting until their fight-
ing spirit is properly matured.
NOT MAKE IT FIFTY, AND THOROUGHLY
The ignorance of some persons
concerning military matters is really
astounding. A dear old lady who was
asked the other day by her little boy
what sand-bags were said she thought
they were the trousers that the soldiers
wore in the Dunes.
* *
Mr. HARRY THAW, it is announced,
is about to have his tenth trial. We
caution Mr. THAW, however, that if he
thinks that at such a time we are going
to take any interest in this feat he will
be bitterly disillusioned.
* *
It is only right that Cabinet Ministers
should set an example in economy.
On French Flag Day, The Express
tells us, " Miss Megan Lloyd George,
the younger daughter of the Minister
of Munitions, was very successful in
Downing Street, although she was
unable to sell a Hag to her father, who
already bad one."
-•':• ••':-
A Silly Ass writes to point out that,
" Lord Nunburnholme states that
tho blowing of the alarm ' buzzers '
is not of necessity an indication of danger,
and there is no urgent need why people should
leave their moscs in order to seek security in
tho country." — Hull Daily Mail.
While he was about it his lordship
might have told people what to do-
with Moses when the lights go out.
"BRITISH
ARMY
ATTACKS
OFFICIAL."
"Evening Standard" Poster.
Very likely the official deserved it,
but nevertheless we doubt the state-
ment, which is not in accordance with
the traditions of the British Army.
High Expletives.
" Since June 29 the total amount of Turkish
arms an dammunition collected is 516 rifles,
51 bayonets, 200 sets of equipment, 126,400
rounds of ammunition, 100 bombs."
Daily Chronicle.
' ' Twenty minutes later our field batteries
opened up with shrapnel against the enemy's
wire, which was oust most effectively."
Daily Mail.
VOL. cxi. x.
62
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JULY 21, 1915.
MORE SORROWS OF THE SULTAN.
SOMKTIMKS, \\ln'ii most I realise the blunder
Thiit fixed the Faithful in their present plight,
I put myself the question, why in thunder
'l joined this rotten fight.
Why for a WILLIAM'S beaux ycux did I sally
Forth to a quest that wasn't Turkey's show?
What am I doing in this noisome galley ?—
That 's what I want to know.
I saw which side my bread was moist with butter ;
Noticed the obverse (which I chose) was dry;
Why then did I take on this silly flutter?
I can't imagine why.
I knew our priceless gift for double-dealing;
I knew the wisdom which was once Stamboul's ;
Yet — and the sore place doesn t look like healing —
I fell between two stools.
For, if we lose — I bid good-bye to Europe,
Or win — to Liberty farewell I say;
In any case I entertain a poor hope
Of making this thing pay.
Meanwhile, when Christian Bosch meets Christian
Briton,
Then is the tug of war for my poor Turks,
Who fight the latter, but would love to sit on
WILLIAM and all his works.
Slaves of that Lord, by alien drivers mastered —
Forward or backward still one fate they find,
For either by the foe in front they 're plastered
Or by the Hun behind!
This comes of following ENVEB (who 's a heretic) ;
But why I did it, when I knew quite well
The moment for inaction — to the very tick —
Allah alone can tell! 0. S.
MY CONSOL.
HE came to me many years ago in my capacity as a
residuary legatee, since when we have been very happy
together, Clarence (my Consol) and I. I have watched
over his early training and education, and have done my
best to influence him for good and to guide his tastes in
the right direction, as every conscientious guardian should.
The days of his youth were passed in a cash-box, which
reposed in my Jacobean roll-top desk, and every Saturday
night I would take him out — out of his box, I mean— and
talk to him like a — like a residuary legatee. But the time
came when I judged it best to send him away. He was
growing up, and there was his future to consider. For
long I hesitated ; but I finally made up my mind that he
was best fitted to occupy a position in a bank, and in due
course, after he had successfully passed the preliminary
examination, I entered Clarence at Cox and Co.'s. Nevei
shall I forget the day upon which I handed him over to
their care. " Good-bye, Clarence," I said, with a lump in
my throat ; " good-bye ! I 've done the best I can for you
I hope you '11 be industrious and grow up to be a great anc
good Consol, and a credit to our National Debt. I hope
Here I burst into tears, and they led me gently out.
Clarence settled down comfortably ami happily. Cox'b
wrote to me from time to time to say that he was still there
and giving no trouble, and even to this day I regularly
hear from Clarence himself four times a year — on January
5th (to wish me a prosperous New Year), on April 5th
(opening of the Quarter Sessions), on July 5th (anniversary
of the French occupation of Algiers, 1830), and October 5th
(high water at London Bridge 10.42 A.M.).
But now I hear that there is an opportunity for him to
taken over by the Government, and I am torn between
affection and duty. For, though he is no longer under my
roof, he is still under my residuary legateeship, and my
:onsent is necessary before this proposed change in his
condition can he effected. Clarence himself has no parti-
ular viesvs of his own on the matter. He leaves it
ntirely to me, and I confess that I scarcely feel equal to
the responsibility of making this momentous decision for
him.. I should hate to lose Clarence. We have been in
touch -so long, have faced so many ups and downs together,
,hat I feel that we should not be parted at this time of
;risis in the nation's destiny.
I remember how at one period Clarence went through a
dreadful time. So bad was he that TJie Times published
daily bulletins about him. " Consols [and by Consols you
must understand Clarence] developed a sudden weak-
ness . . . Consols improved slightly . . . Consols dropped
away throughout the day . . . Consols rallied and fell
back again, closing very weak." One day Clarence even
sagged. It was dreadful. I passed a sleepless afternoon.
I pictured the Commissioners of the National Debt sitting
round poor Clarence, watching with grave faces for him to
sag his last. I thought of wiring to them, imploring them
to administer oxygen at my expense. And then — joy ! I
read on an Evening News placard, " Sharp Recovery of
Consols," and 1 knew then that Clarence was spared tome.
And now I am faced with the problem — shall Clarence
remain the bright, happy, unsophisticated Consol he
always was, or be taken over by the Government and
turned into a War Loan ? Personally, I feel that he will
do best in the shape in which Nature designed him. As a
Consol, he has an ancestry, and I, as his guardian,
naturally take a fair measure of pride in the fact, for ho
forms part and parcel of our world-famous British Consti-
tution. How often have I thought in the past of that
glorious moment when I may some day meet the CHAN-
CELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER at a Guildhall banquet, and
we can fall into an intimate discussion on Clarence and
his family! With what pride I shall deftly introduce
Clarence into the conversation ! "Talking about National
finance . . . May I trouble you to pass the chutney ? . .
Thanks very much . . . Talking about National finance, Mr.
McKENNA, I am sure you will be glad to hear that I take
an active personal interest in the welfare of a bright and
promising young Consol. Tell me, as man to man, what
are the prospects for next quarter's dividend ? I suppose
it will be declared as usual, or do you think of allocating it
to the reserve ?" On the other hand Cox's say that as a
War Loan Clarence ought to make his mark in the world ;
that in ten years or, at the most, thirty, he will be able to
retire at his par value paid in solid gold. But, be that as
it may, I feel that I can never take the same proprietary
interest in Clarence in this new guise. There will be no
pleasure when I meet Mr. McKENNA in telling him that I
have at heart the welfare of a promising and democratic
young — Democratic! That's it! Why, everybody
holds War Loan. The cook, the housemaid, the scullery-
maid — all are investors. I 've even bought a voucher for the
cat. No, no, Clarence, my first and only residuary legacy,
you shall ever remain a fine old Conservative Consol.
"BARKING V.C."— Evening Standard.
One of the bull-dog breed.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— JULY 21, 1915.
THE OLD MAN OF THE SEA.
SINBAD THE KAISER. " THIS SUBMARINE BUSINESS IS GOING TO GET ME INTO TROUBLE
WITH AMERICA; BUT WHAT CAN AN ALL-POWERFUL DO WITH A THING LIKE THIS
ON HIS BACK?"
PUNCH, Oil THE LONDON CHARIVARI
G5
SOMEWHERE IN FRANCE.
Subaltern. " DONNEZ-MOI, S'IL vous PLA!T, DU PAIN, DE LA BEUBBE ET DE LA FBOMAGE, POUR LA HESSE."
Madame. " POUB LA MESSE ! MON DIEC, QUELLE BEHGION ! "
HOW TO MAKE A BOOM IN VOUCHERS.
DEAR Mn. PUNCH, — As an inventor
who has been shamefully neglected by
this short-sighted Government (for in
any time of crisis I am always full of
fruitful suggestion ; that is my tempera-
ment), I trust you will allow me space to
offer a few notions. I have been turning
my attention to the Post Office Depart-
ment of the War Loan. It is just the
sort of case where the Government
requires shaking up by people of
Imagination.
One of my ideas is the institution of
Penny-in-the-Slot Machines for the sale
of vouchers at every street corner, where
any passer-by (with sixty pennies in his
pocket) would find thevn readily ac-
cessible. The idea might be developed
by introducing Voucher - in - the - Slot
Machines, from which, by the insertion
of a suflicient number of vouchers, a
Bond could be obtained.
Then we must have Adhesive
Vouchers, for use on picture-postcards.
These should be endorsed " A Present
from Pitlochry" (or whatever was the
place of issue), and might oven be set
off by small photographic views. By
going a short step further we should
surely ba able to enlist the philatelist
and make him do his bit. It is only
necessary to keep on producing a rapid
succession of new voucher forms, differ-
ing in calour, texture and shape, or
containing ingenious printers' errors,
making at the same time all old issues
obsolete, and it is certain that some-
one will begin to collect them. With
intelligent encouragement from the
Treasury — in the form of special albums
— it might grow into a big thing in
time. If only we could get them
loved for their own sake it would be
a great point.
And we want to stir up rivalry. If it
once became the thing, for instance, to
paper the drawing-room with vouchers
(as a memento of the Great War), or
1 even to use them for newspaper
wrappers, we should have made a
great advance. We need more of the
fine spirit of the Australian millionaires
of whom one used to read, who would
! burn fivers against each other by way
of competition.
Then we must have a Day. Every
one is agreed that we do not have
nearly enough Days. Even now as
much as a week elapses sometimes \vith-
, out our being pursued by fair women
with flags and collecting boxes. So let
us have a Voucher Day, when no self-
respecting citizen will be able to walk
the streets in peace without a voucher
in his button-hole and two in his hat.
It is simply a question of getting to
work on the right lines.
I am, Yours faithfully,
THE INVENTOR AT LARGE.
" The distance from Constantinople to Kabul
as the crow flics is a little over 500 miles."
Star.
From other estimates of the distance
we gather that the crow after he had
done flying would have to walk about
two thousand miles more.
From a translation of a decree issued
by the German Government modifying
the German list of contraband : —
"The following articles and materials suit-
able for warlike as well as for peaceful purposes,
coming under the designation of conditional
contraband, shall be considered as contraband
of war : —
Harness and Soldiery."
London Chamber of Commerce Journal.
We understand that the Allied Powers,
in spite of this announcement, have not
altered their plans for an extensive im-
portation of soldiers into Germany.
66
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JULY 21, 1915.
THE OPTIMIST.
WHAT 1 stand on," said Mr. Brad-
Automatically the smile faded and
something older, but infinitely more
human, took its place. It almost
, with a smile that was too radiant soemed as if the weight of that porten-
tous smile was unbearable. To smile
and pass it on had seemed such an easy
to be convincing, " is the power
lint Mrs. Hradshaw had walked into
the kitchen and closed the door.
In a minute or two her head emerged,
and Mr. Bnulshaw snatched at it (so to
speak) as his only chance of getting his
remarks finished.
" You 've only got to look at it the
right way and it will be all right.
That is the idea. Any dead fish can
float with the current, but it takes a
live fish to swim up-stream."
Mrs. Bradshaw's eyes flashed
contempt. " Thank you," she
said curtly. " But I '11 have you
to understand that I 'm not a
dead fish." She was trembling
with an emotion on the verge of
tears. " I know the bacon was
overdone — it doesn't take that
smile of yours to teach me how
to cook bacon. The child cried
all night, and I have to be on
my feet all day. It 's not what
you stand on, it 's what I stand
on."
"Ah!" said Mr. Bradshaw,
with that broad inhuman smile.
" It seems tiring, that 's all. Stand
as I do," he hesitated, " as I try
to do, on JOSHUA and CALEB.
Ten of them, you know, Maria,
came back with hard-luck stories,
but JOSHUA and CALEB brought
grapes. That's you and I in a
nutshell."
" JOSHUA and CALEB, nor you
neither, George, hadn't been up
all night with a teething baby —
that would teach you what you
stood on."
" I do beg of you, Maria, to be
an optimist," said Mr. Bradshaw
earnestly, ignoring the personal
Maria was a trump, and, as she said,
what was there to smile at ? No more
false gaiety, no more pretence. With
a lighter heart and an unsmiling face
he ran up the steps of his house and
Hung the door wide open, and just
mass of twists and
\\ay of eluding trouble; hut what [inside, her hair a
happened when you couldn't pass it j curls, with a smile only stopped by her
on ? The club offered no advice on ears, stood Maria with the baby in her
that subject.
And under Mr. Bradshaw's thatch
of stiff fair hair a thought had been
slowly growing and maturing, which
could not be disregarded any longer.
It was there before him at the oflice-
arms. Before he had time to speak,
her words flew out at him.
" You were quite right, George. I 'm
going to be an optimist too. It 's the
only way
the
Recruiting Sergeant. " WELL, MY MAN, WOULD YOU
LIKE TO SERVE THE KlNQ ? "
Milkboy. ' ' THAT I WOULD, SIB. How MUCH DO YOU
THINK HE'D WANT A DAY? I BUPPOSE AS MUCH AS A
GALLON?"
question. " It would alter your views
of life."
" It wouldn't alter my views of a
screaming baby," said Mrs. Bradshaw
obstinately.
" It is so simple," said her husband
hurriedly, as he saw the kitchen door
opening to swallow her up. " You
only have to keep smiling in the face
of trouble, and pass the smile along —
and how can I pass it along when
there 's no one to get it ? "
" No one wants it," said Mrs. Brad-
shaw with temper. " Keep it to your-
self, and much good may it do you. I
never saw a smile that was worth the
rocker on a cradle yet ; and I haven't
Smile at trouble, and pass
smile on, even if it is a crying
baby. Let it cry ! "
And the baby responded eagerly,
whilst George stood in the middle
of the passage in a horror-struck
silence.
" Any dead fish," the words
rang brightly above the uproar,
" can float with the current, but
it takes a live one to —
But George spoke breathlessly.
" I can't bear it, Maria ; do any-
thing you like, cry or be cross,
but for God's sake don't smile."
" There 's no pleasing you,"
she said faintly. Then with a
fading smile and anxicus blue
eyes, she came near and put her
arms close round his neck.
" I know," she said. " You
needn't tell me, George ; I see it
in your face. You 've enlisted."
He did not try to swim up-
stream, he only held her a little
tighter, and said over and over
again, " You see, Maria, it 's my
duty. It 's got me, and I had to.
All those pictures upset me, and
the chape out there, and me here.
It's a bit of a wrench, Maria,
but I 'm an Englishman and I 'd
got to do it."
And Maria, still with her arms
round his neck, and his cheek
time to argue,
by yourself ! "
Go and be an optimist
The kitchen door closed finally and
Mr. Bradshaw was left outside.
stool ; it looked at him out of Maria's uncomfortably wet with her tears, said
tired blue eyes ; it stood between him in a broken voice, " Well, there 's some
and his weekly wages.
He had meant to speak to
use in smiling now. It seemed so silly
Maria when there were just the usual things to
trenches; because — well, because there's
so little to smile about there. And I
about it, but the right moment did not worry over, and just the usual things to
seem to come. If she could not smile do, but now there 's some sense in it,
in the face of a sleepless night, how j isn't there? You keep on smiling in the
would she take the news of his enlist-
ment ? Mr. Bradshaw shuddered at
the thought, but his sense of duty was keep on smiling at home, because —
very strong, and his wish to serve was well, because there 's so little to smile
an honest wish, and somehow it seemed about here. I suppose that 's what
as if his feet, almost without consulting | you call being an optimist. I never
him, led him to the recruiting-office ' saw any sense in it before."
and out again. It was all over in five =====
minutes — no smiling now, no hesitation "The war was costing £-25 for every second,
—only a very swift and sweet remem- : U was costing nearly £600 every minute of
i f nr • • L' i f i every hour, and so they could readily euess
brance of Manas tireless feet as she how it was that money went quickly."
walked up and down, patiently soothing Edinburgh Evening Dispatch.
the fretting baby, and holding it with Our contemporary seems to have been
tired trembling arms.
! doing some guess-work already.
Jn.v 21, 1915.]
PUNCH, Oil THK LONDON CM I AIM VABI.
67
BEAUTY TRIUMPHANT.
Ko-;io bought a respirator
At tlio local chemist's shop
That her safety might ho gre-iter
If u gas-bomb chanced to drop.
Homeward, light of heart, she hurried
While her eyes with triumph shone ;
In her bedroom, quick, she scurried,
Locked the door, and tried it on.
Though it fitted to perfection,
How her spirit quailed, alas I
At the horrible reflection
Glaring at her from the glass,
Like some shocking nightmare crea-
ture—
"When in dreams we turn and toss —
( iuggle-eyed, devoid of feature ;
" This," said Eosie, " is imposs. !"
Eosie bought some spangled chiffon,
Trimmed her mask with pink and
blue ;
Saucy rosebuds — not too stiff — on
Either side she stuck with glue.
So, when Zeps come, now or later,
When the gas is drifting thick,
Eosie in her respirator
Will retain her well-known chic.
ECONOMY.
I HAD just received a polite but dis-
trustful letter from my bank, and a
circular printed in red from the rate
collector, and I was in a mood therefore
to read in my paper a few bright hints
on "How to Economise."
The references to lentils and potatoes
did not interest me so much as the
really practical advice that told me to
ask, " Do I really need it ? " before buy-
ing anything. It seemed to me only
right that I should give this precept a
fair trial, and I began at once.
In Long Acre alone this simple
question deterred me from buying
thousands of pounds worth of highly
polished motor cars. In the Hay-
market there was a picture — but could
I honestly say that I needed it ? Aa I
passed His Majesty's Theatre a whimsi-
cal notion entered my head ; but in the
absence of real need, I said sternly, one
must not in these times lightly indulge
one's passing fancies.
In Eegent Street, whom should I
meet but my young cousin looking in
at a florist's window ? " Oh, Leonard,
aren't those lovely roses ? And so cheap
too ! " she exclaimed. Did I need any
roses ? " How's Aunt Alice this morn-
ing ? " I asked, looking across the street.
\\ ith some difficulty I got my young
cousin on to a BayswaU-r bus, and 1 hen
moved along towards Oxford Circus,
my hand in my pocket and my fingers
toying with my last half-sovereign.
The question of lunch was one which
Officer (to Sentry, who has been asleep). "WHY HAVE voo GOT YOUB BOOTS OFF?"
Sentry. "So AS NOT TO WAKE THE 'ORSES, SIR."
it would be neither right nor proper to
avoid, and the time to face it was not far
away. I could not altogether shake off
the conviction that circumstances de-
manded that the meal should be taken
in an inexpensive tea-shop. It was
but the work of a moment to find a
shop of this character, and I stood to
scan the menu in the window. Did I
really need tea, per pot 3d., or per
cup, 2rf. ? No, I did not ; and when I
came to rissoles, stewed prunes, hot
milk and biscuits (various) there was
no doubt whatever in my mind that
the negative was the honest reply. I
went through the whole unappetising
list, and at the end I found myself on
the brink of starvation.
Not a moment too soon I was saved
from the peril.
" W7hat you do need, my boy," said
an inner voice, " is a salmon mayon-
naise;" so I went and had one.
"Strictly Neutral."
" 'A real American Newspaper,' which is to
be ' strictly neutral ' and to stand for justice
to all, ' just as Mr. Bryan stands for justice,'
is to bo issued here by the Printers and Pub-
lishers' Association, Inc., of 150 Nassau Street,
just as soon ag its promoters sell $500,000
worth of stock. The promoters are Dr. Hugo
Schweitzer, President ; Emil Kipper, Vice-
President ; Henry Weiss, Secretary, and Max
W. Stoehr, Treasurer." — New York Times.
All " real Americans," please observe,
with not a hyphen among them.
An Adaptable Weapon.
" Italy's great artillery works have also pro-
vided her with a 16in. howitzer which is said
to have all the qualities of the Krupp 17in.
and to be much lighter and heavier."
Overseas Daily Mail.
To Slackers.
" JOINING ARMY. — Two Lounge Suits ; good
condition ; navy and grey ; 5 ft. 9J ins. ; chest,
88 ins." — Bath Chronicle.
Other lounge suits, please, copy.
68
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JULY 21, 1915.
PERMANGANATE OF POTASH.
AFTER my cousin Charles had re-
covered from Spy rash he acquired a
commission in the army. When the
authorities thought that he was ripe
they sent him into the trenches in
l-'ranee. Charles's wife says that he
got into the trenches on his merits, and
that she did not use her influence to
get him there. He didn't take into
the trenches all the things which his
wife gave him. He mislaid a crate of
orange-;, six hath towels, a deck chair,
a portable Turkish hath and a picnic
basket before lie left our shores. She
insisted on his taking a box of perman-
ganate of potash ; she alleged that it was
a disinfectant and that you can safely
drink quite impure water mixed with
permanganate of potash. Charles
didn't fancy drinking impure water or
permanganate of potash in any form,
but he knew from experience that the
latter is useful for staining floors. He
didn't suppose that anyone worried
much about staining the floors of the
trenches, but he promised to take the
box as a kind of mascot.
Charles was led into the trenches at
night. He found one trench before he
expected it, but he got out all right.
The man he fell on was quite polite
when he found out that Charles was
an officer; he said that his rifle was
scarcely damaged at all. Although the
accommodation wasn't what Charles
was accustomed to, he didn't complain,
as he could see that they had done
their best to make him comfortable.
It isn't a nice idea having your meals
in your bedroom, but even an officer
cannot expect a suite of dug-outs.
When Charles had been introduced
to the officers in residence, he went to
look for his servant who was bringing
up his blankets and kit. While he
was looking for his servant some
Germans had nightmare and let off
their rifles. The bullets went very close
to Charles, and he suddenly remembered
that he had important business with
a brother officer in an adjacent dug-
out. He just had time to instruct a
sergeant to carry on the search. The
sergeant reported that there was a
party looking for a rifle in the moat
at the rear of the trenches. He thought
that the rifle might belong to Charles's
servant as he had noticed some things
that looked like part of an officer's kit
floating about in the moat. He promised
to fish for the kit and the servant after
they had found the rifle. Everything
was recovered, including the servant,
who was quite sober but very wet, like
Charles's kit.
The next morning, after Charles had
shaved, he noticed that he was very
sunburnt. This surprised him, as he
hadn't seen any sun. On investigation
he discovered that nearly all his tilings,
including his hair, hair-brushes and
shaving - brush, were sunburnt. His
hair and face weren't sunburnt all over
but in patches, and he began to suspect
the permanganate of potash. He had
noticed that his brushes were damp,
and if the light had been better when
lie got up he might have saved his hair
and face. He thought of painting in
the places which the permanganate had
missed, but he didn't care about the
colour sufficiently ; there is no scope
for artistic effect in one box of perman-
ganate of potash. He was afraid that
if he was taken prisoner the Germans
might mistake him for an Oriental and
expect him to talk Hindustani. Charles
says that if he had known that he was
going to become piebald he would have
taken some more pigments with him,
and adopted a mixture of colours that
would have made him invisible like a
fort.
The most interesting pastime in the
trenches is sniping. You have a steel
plate to protect your head and a ser-
geant to mark for you. Charles was a
very keen sniper until a bullet hit his
protection-plate close to his ear. He
got bored with sniping after that, and
let the sergeant do it with a corporal
as marker. When alien bullets begin
to hit your protection-plate it always
means that you have done enough snip-
ing for that day at least.
The only other recognised amuse-
ment is digging up bullets which nearly
hit you. Charles got a nice collection ;
he thinks that the Germans liked him
and wanted him to take home more
bullets than anyone else. His wife
says that if he hadn't had the perman-
ganate he would have been certain to
be hit. Charles isn't sure about this,
though he admits that it helped him to
get home.
He wasn't altogether sorry when his
Company was relieved; although he
liked the trenches fairly well he didn't
want to stay there indefinitely. The
place was so noisy that he got a head-
ache. When he got out of the trenches
he went to see the battalion Medical
Officer to talk about his headache.
The Medical Officer was busy with
some urgent cases, and recommended
him to the field hospital. The field
hospital had a good deal on hand
and passed him on to a hospital
train. Whilst he was looking for a
doctor on the train someone started
the thing, and it reached Boulogne
before he found one disengaged. The
journey did Charles's head good, and
he forgot what he had wanted to talk
to the doctor about. The doctor was
so interested in Charles's piebald ap-
pearance that he took him on to Folke-
stone, and having taken him out of his
way from idle curiosity he couldn't do
less than recommend him for a fort-
night's sick leave. That is how I came
to hear about the permanganate of
potash without the Censor poking his
nose into the matter.
THE NEW INFERNO.
[A contemporary reminds us that DANTE
is "closely linked with several places now
prominent in the War news," including the
Trentino, etc., from which he drew many of
his descriptions in the Inferno.']
BARD whose fame outruns the ages.
Who with fine prophetic power
Sang of sin's appropriate wages
Till it made the tyrant cower —
DANTE, thou in very surety "shouldst
be living at this hour."
Here the wild Trentino's magic
Might once more commove your
pen
To depict for us the tragic
Destinies of damned men ;
But you 'd cram your hell with Teutons
if you toiled on earth again.
One by one you 'd place their chosen
Leaders 'mid your circles nine
(Whether gaseous, hot or frozen
Would be your affair, not mine),
And the host of common sinners
to their fitting doom assign.
For each Hun, save him I '11 mention,
Your -old Underworld would do ;
But you 'd once more need invention
When you tackled W'ILHELM Two ;
You 'd be forced to delve far deeper
for fresh gulfs and circles new.
FROM A BELGIAN GARDEN.
i.
DEAR MONSIEUR X, — On behalf of
the battery I am requested to write to
you concerning this abode — once yours,
now ours. Yet not entirely ours, for
another battery at present occupies
part of your garden and a portion of
your cellar. Still, we came hero first,
and are regarded as temporary lawful
owners by such stray khaki units as
wander hitherwards, looking for posi-
tions or retiring with bandaged limbs
to dressing stations. We discussed
the matter just now over some bully
and bread and jam, and the latest
joined subaltern, having rather a strain
of sentiment, said he thought we ought
to drink your health in tea.
Besides, it occurs to me that you
might like to know what state your
house is in, for of course we recognise
that it is still yours, and doubtless you
expect to return to it some day (may it
be soon!). There will not be much
JULY 21, I'.M.VI
rUNCII, Oil THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
G9
"I SAY, LADY RAKEHAM, THAT CHAUFPEUB FELLER OF YOURS — HE OUGHT TO JOIN THE ARMY, YOU KNOW."
"On, D'YE THINK so? WELL, I DON'T KNOW. You SEE, IT CUTS BOTH WAYS. IP HE JOINED THE ARMY I SHOULDN'T BE ABLE
TO COME AND HELP HEBE."
left of it for you to resume, but you
may be pleased to know that it will
probably go down with a name in
history. By the way, what is its name ?
Tin- British Army hereabouts calls the
ivgiun between the road and the railway
Hell Fire Corner ; but you could not
have conceived of it as that. A sergeant
of ours found a board with " Sifflez "
neatly painted on it, and he thought it
might have come off your front gate
till ho discovered it had been blown
from the railway line by a shell, and
was merely a Government direction to
engine-drivers. But it does not matter
much just now.
For the first few nights we were here
everything was quiet and peaceful. The
Germans had evidently overlooked your
house on the map and our exceedingly
business-like occupation of it. Then
one morning the men of subsection B
went bathing in the water hole — ah,
you won't know ; it is a 17-inch shell
hole filled by rain in the field just west
of the house — when a German aero-
plane suddenly appeared and signalled
its discovery of them by dropping a
truly beautiful white star over their
heads. Nothing happened till evening,
and subsection B were beginning to
think the reprimand they had received
was undeserved. But we got it that
evening — shrapnel, high - explosive,
8-inch stink-shell — everything you can
think of.
Your house miraculously escaped
being hit this first evening, but your
garden was ripped up mercilessly. You
remember the fine row of chestnut and
elm trees on the western side, between
the house and the field ? Several shells
hurtled into them and mutilated them
horribly. One of your pigs was killed
— the cook finished him off with a
revolver. The little hedge on the
Germany side of your house — just
sprouting into a fine young green too —
was rent with gaps, and a noble beech
on the north-eastern corner was clean
felled. The rose-walk, we are all glad
to say, was quite untouched. I must
tell you of that, and why we are so glad
about it.
Our guns are there ! still there, and
still whole ! More than for the hospi-
tality of your roof, or what was once a
roof, we are grateful to you for that
rose-walk. The man who planned it
was an artist of the first order. It
runs, you remember, under the other
line of elms on the southern side of the
house. We have the guns hidden in that
glorious green arch ; and at the foot of
those trees when you return you will find
ourhandsomedug-outs. The screaming
shells which have scorched and scarred
all else in your demesne have never yet
seriously hit this special spot. Perhaps
some accident in the contours between
this and the German guns, 4,000 and
5,000 yards away, serves to protect it.
Perhaps the little china figure, Notre
Dame de Bon Secours,. stuck up on a
ledge in the stoutest of these elms,
endures to shield us poor servants of
the Holy Cause hiding in her blessed
vicinity. Whatever it be, your gar-
dener builded better than he knew when
he laid out this southern aspect. When
he is put to repose (long hence, we
hope) in his last garden, may masses
be sung for ever for his soul !
When you return and restore this
charming spot to civilised order, we
would wish you to keep N. D. de Bon
Secoiirs still in her little niche in the
big elm-tree. Do not disturb her.
Most other treasures you will find in
ruins, but she, we know, will be still
serenely unmoved. She and your
gardener are our battery saints, Mon-
sieur !
Yours, under the rose-walk,
FORWARD OBSERVING OFFICER.
Asking for Trouble.
" To LET, Comfortable Bedroom, Base
gent, preferred." — Dunfcrmline Prest.
70
irxcir, on THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JULY 21, 1915.
EXAMINE ARMS.
Officer (severely). "Is THIS RIFLE SUPPOSED TO HAVE BEEN CLEANED?"
Private. "WELL, SIB— YES. BUT you KNOW WHAT THESE SERVANT GALS ARE!'
THE MOUTH ORGAN.
OH, there ain't no band to cheer us up, there ain't no
'Ighland pipers
To keep our warlike ardure warm round New Chapelle an'
Wipers ;
So— since there 's nothin' like a tune to glad the 'eart o'
man —
Why, Billy with 'is mouth-organ 'e does the best 'e can.
There ain't no birds in Plug Street Wood, the guns 'ave
sent 'em flyin',
An' there ain't no song to 'ear except the squealin' shells
a-cryin' ;
The thrushes all 'ave 'ooked it, an' the blackbird's 'ad to
flit . . .
So Billy with 'is mouth-organ 'e ups an' does 'is bit.
Is notes is somewhat limited, they are not 'igh an' soary ;
'E 'asn't got that many things in 'is bloomin' repertory ;
But when 'e 's played the lot, why, then 'is course is straight
an' plain,
'E starts at the beginnin' an' 'e plays 'em all again j
'E 's played 'em oft upon the march, an' likewise in tho
trenches ;
'E 's played 'em to the Gurkhas, an' 'o 's played 'em to the
Frenchies ;
'E may be ankle-deep in dust or middle-deep in slime,
But Billy with 'is mouth-organ 'e 's at it all the tima.
Wet, 'ungry, thirsty, 'ot or cold, whatever may betide 'im,
'E '11 play upon the 'ob of 'ell while the breath is left inside
'im ;
And when we march up Potsdam street an' goosestep
through Berlin,
Why, Billy with 'is mouth-organ 'e '11 play the Army in !
' The base for tho enemy's forces operating iu this direction was
the Port of Bukeba on the western shore of Lake Victoria Nyanza,
a point of considerable importance. Warlike stories of all kinds had
been accumulated there." — Dublin Evening Mail.
So now wo know where the German Wireless used to
get its war-news.
" Mr. Asquith announced that he hoped this part of the session
would close before the end of tho war." — Erenimj Standard.
We would sooner have heard that he expected the War to
close (in the right way, of course) before this part of the
Session. -
"Scotch terrier, past all troubles, cheap." — Edinburgh Ei-ening
Neics.
The advertiser should try Germany. There is no demand
here for dead doss.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— JI-LY 21. 1015.
•
JULY 21,
rr.VCII, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
(KxTRAcri:r> FROM THE DIARY OP TODY, M.I'.}
MR. WILL CROOKS is REPORTED TO BE GOING TO THE FRONT FOR THE PURPOSE OP "AMUSING THE TOMMIES." IT is HOPED THAT
HIS EXAMPLE MAY SUGGEST POSSIBILITIES OP USEFUL SERVICE FOB SDME OP OUK MORE COMIC STATESMEN.
[MB. OUTHWAITE, MB. GlNSELL AND MR. HOBHOUSE.]
House of Commons, Monday, July
12</i. — PKIME MINISTER home from the
trenches, where his snow-white locks
served for a while the historic part of
tlio plume of HENRY OF NAVARRE.
Found awaiting him, carefully trained
on Treasury Bench, a machine-gun
l<>:ulcd with Questions. A group of
fourteen touched variety of delicate
topics. Alleged shortcomings of War
Office ; demand for dismissal from
public service of all persons who have
proved incompetent ; suggestion to
appoint a Commissioner to examine
into causes which made it necessary to
appoint Minister of Munitions more
than ten months after the beginning of
the War. These varied by demand for
a day to discuss question of scarcity
of munitions. Another, more compre-
hensive, asked for early opportunity of
reviewing whole conduct of the War.
Finally, attempt made to induce
PREMIER to declare himself on one side
or other of the incomprehensible LLOYD
GEOHGE-HALDANE misunderstanding.
Here was material for occupying the '
full limit of Question hour. Field of
enquiry particularly alluring to Supple-
mentary Questioners. Assertions, de-
nials, qualifications, innuendoes would
form many titbits for the German Press.
They had, however, reckoned without
their ASQUITH. As soon as the first of
the Questions was called on, PREMIER
rose, enumerated the lot, and quietly
said, "With respect to them there is no
public information I can at the moment
properly give."
Forthwith sat down, leaving the band
of questioners gasping for breath.
Answer greeted with burst of general
cheering. ARTHUR MARKHAM, iron-clad,
indomitable, tried a fall with PREMIER.
" Are we to understand," he asked, with
evident effort refraining from intro-
ducing a particular name which in his
Parliamentary utterances plays the
part of the head of KING CHARLES I.
in Mr. Dick's Memorial, "that al!
people who fail in the public service
are to be retained in office? "
Raising his voice in unusual Sash of
anger PREMIER replied : " The hon.
gentleman is to understand nothing of
the kind. He is to understand what I
have said."
DALZIEL dismissed with equal curt-
ness when he attempted to obtain
a definite reply to question about
HALDANE and LLOYD GEORGE. Ex-
Colonel LYNCH (formerly of the Trans-
vaal), attempting with trained military
instinct to bring up reserves, was
promptly cut off by Hank attack from
the Chair.
" This is becoming a debate," said
the SPEAKER in warning voice.
Whereupon the bland presence of
Mr. CHAPLIN, Leader of His Majesty's
Opposition, presented itself at the Table
with customary constitutional ques-
tion as to the course of business during
the week.
Threatening episode did not " spread
itself out," as UNDEK-SECRETARY FOR
WAB would say, beyond the space of
six minutes. Illustrates afresh the
74
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JULY 21, 1915.
Young Wife (at sound of explosion) . " THOMAS 1 THOMAS I THE ZEPPELINS AKE HEBE 1 DID rou LOCK THE FROXT DOOH?"
apophthegm, as applied to answering
Questions, that while speech may be
silvern its extreme curtailment is golden.
Business done. — House in Committee
of Supply ; passed cluster of Votes after
brief consideration. Including debate
introduced by DALZIEL on export of
cotton for Germany, all was over
by 7.15.
Tuesday. — This is ST. BOTHA'S day.
As its first business House set about
presentation of "grateful appreciation
of the distinguished skill and ability "
with which our enemy of fifteen years
ago conducted military operations that
baffled the KAISEK'S carefully planned
scheme and saved South Africa for the
Empire. PREMIER moved Resolution
which in ordinary circumstances would
have been seconded by LEADER OF
OPPOSITION on other side of Table. To-
day the former Leader of a non-existent
Opposition was seated by PREMIER'S
side. Thence he rose to add his tribute
to that of his new chief.
That all very well as far as it went.
CHAPLiN,almost sole custodian of ancien t
Parliamentary traditions, not the man
to sit quietly by whilst one was rudely
broken. Idle to say there is no Leader
of Opposition whilst he sits watchful
in the place from time to time occupied
by DISRAELI and GLADSTONE. Accord-
ingly, " on behalf of right hon. gentle-
man sitting by me on this bench and
on behalf of many friends behind me,"
he heartily endorsed approbation ex-
pressed by PRIME MINISTER and SEC-
RETARY OF STATE FOR THE COLONIES.
T. P. in a few well-chosen words
added the voice of Ireland to chorus of
admiration — "because Ireland, like
South Africa, has in generous wisdom
passed an oblivion over misunderstand-
ings and quarrels with this Empire."
On SPEAKER putting Resolution from
Chair, loud shout of "Aye ! "acclaimed it.
" On the contrary ? " There was no one
on the contrary, not even Herr GINNELL.
" Carried nemine contradicente," said
the SPEAKER, adopting a phrase used
in Parliamentary procedure only upon
historic occasions.
Another hearty cheer closed episode,
and the House, having thus done
honour to a man of alien race who has
splendidly helped the Empire in hour
of peril, turned to consider case of
South Wales miners, who, unless they
get the uttermost farthing demanded
in the way of increased wages, threaten
to throw down axe and shovel, so de-
priving our Navy on guard in the North
Sea of fuel for its engines.
Business done. — PRESIDENT BOARD
OF TRADE, amid cheers from all quarters,
announces proclamation of application
of Munitions Act to threatened strike
in South Wales coalfields. Budget
Bill passed through Committee.
Wednesday. — Much sympathy felt
with GORDON HARVEY. Interposing in
debate on motion for Third Reading of
Budget Bill he remarked, with suspicion
of a tear in his voice, " Mr. Speaker, I
am greatly disappointed with this
measure. I cannot understand why it
contains no new taxes."
Present Government and long line of
predecessors been subjected on various
grounds to severe criticism, occasionally
resulting in their being turned out of
office. Never before was objection
raised on this particular score.
CHANCELLOR OF EXCHEQUER pro-
foundly touched. Pleaded in extenu-
ation that within the current year
fresh taxation to amount of sixty-eight
million sterling had been imposed.
Modestly thought that a pretty good
beginning. Hastened to assure the
mourning Member that it was not the
full measure of intention. Let him
wait and see. Another Budget already
on the stocks. When its proposals
were explained, it would appear that
the honourable gentleman's apprehen-
sions were groundless.
GORDON HARVEY visibly cheered up.
Walked home with s'winging step and
pleased consciousness that before many
months have sped he will personally
benefit by what McKENNA described
as " reasonable but bold measures in
direction of increased taxation."
Business done — War Pensions Bill
passed Report stage. Budget Bill read
a third time.
JULY 21, 1915.]
ITXCII, OR TJIK LONDON CIIAIMN AIM.
75
LADS X. IS INTERVIEWED AS TO HER OPINIONS ON THRIFT IN WAR-TIME.
THE TRAITOR.
IT was when I was just recovering
from my spring attack of influenza
that my wife broke the news to me.
" I think you are strong enough
now," she said, " to be told something
very serious. Mr. Appleby is a pro-
( 'id-man."
"Rubbish," I Sciid. "I've known
Appleby all my life."
My wife shrugged her shoulders.
" Kven before you were ill I heard
distressing rumours, and now there is
no doubt about it. He goes about
saying dreadful things."
"Tell him to come and see me," I
commanded.
" You can't really mean that."
" I am noB yet strong enough to
si and being contradicted," I said with
a luvak in my voice, and she flew to
the telephone.
Punctual to the moment Appleby
arrived. When I saw him last he
looked as though he were sickening for
jaundice. The new Appleby was a rosy-
faced philanthropist, bubbling over with
good spirits to a degree I found posi-
tively exhausting. He greeted me
warmly, and had just settled himself in
the doctor's chair for a heart-to-heart
talk, when the strains of "Rule, Bri-
tannia ! " rose falteringly to our ears.
My eldest daughter, instigated, as I
shrewdly surmised, by her mother, was
the culprit, and poor as was the per-
formance the tune was quite recognis-
able. I glanced nervously at Appleby.
To my surprise he was beating time
gently, his head tilted on one side and
rapture shining in his eyes.
" It 's a grand song that," he ex-
claimed enthusiastically. " Talk of
Die Wacht am Rhcin ! "
" But ," I stammered.
Appleby laughed. " I know what
you are thinking of," he said happily.
" Listen, and I '11 tell you a story. A
short time ago I became a nervous
wreck. Life held no joys for me, and
I could neither sleep nor look forward
to my meals — -
" I tried every specialist in London,"
I put in wearily, completing the
formula, but he disregarded the inter-
ruption and continued in the same
measured tone.
" What I spent on newspapers would
have kept a Pekinese in comfort. But
it was no use. There were never want-
ing well-informed persons to point out
to me that what I took for successes
were really grave errors in strategy.
And they kept telling me awful stories
of bombs smuggled in biscuit tins on
board our Dreadnoughts, and of German
agents among our army cooks." He
shuddered even at the recollection.
" But the time came when I could
stand it no longer. I thought out a
plan. I read CABLYLE on the glorious
destiny of the Hohenzollems, and hunted
up back numbers of the dailies in which
we were urged to go to Germany and
learn how to run Old Age Pensions
and National Insurance. And I quoted
these everywhere. The effect was im-
mediate and gratifying. At first my
friends fell away, but I could stand
that ; it was rest I needed. But now,
now they seek me out to tell me that
an enemy submarine has been sunk off
the Scillies or that the GROWN PRINCE
is in the Tower. They cross the street,
and risk losing their trains to give me
pleasurable scraps of information. My
day is one triumphal progress ; I hear
nothing but good news now ; and look
at me !
" It does them good, too," he went
on after a pause. " The mere sight of
me promotes cheerfulness ; and the
memory of the sorrow they have caused
my traitorous heart brightens the rest
of the day for them." He beamed upon
me and held out his hand.
" The hand of a traitor," he said.
" Will you shake ? "
I shook.
" The Grouse BUI, which had been taken
over by the Government, was also passed."
So now, let us hope, the grousers will
be satisfied.
76
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JULY 21, 1015.
TO ANTHONY TROLLOPE.
(On r<'-mi<lin<j his Barsetshirc Novels.)
GOOD chronicler of Barset, weaver of genial yarns,
Homely and unaffected as the verse of the Dorset BAKNKS,
\Yhi-n the outlook is depressing, when journals bleat and
soars,
I turn to your kindly pages and find oblivion there.
You lead us back from the turmoil of these unhappy days
To the land in which our fathers went their untroubled
ways ;
When gigs were still in fashion and no one was able to
scour
The countryside in" motors at seventy miles an hour.
Down Time's gulf backward roaming, with you as our
friendly guide,
To the age of flounces and whiskers and crinolines we glide,
When life flowed on like a brooklet with many a bicker and
brawl
And many a swirl and ripple, but never a roaring fall.
You weren't concerned with problems that harass and
wound and vex,
Or with the elemental eternal duel of sex ;
The Feminist virago had not swum into your ken,
And you had no fads or hobbies to further with your pen.
But a wholesome love of England shone bright through all
your tales —
Love of her mellow landscape and green sequestered vales,
Love of her ancient hoines.teads and gray ancestral towers,
Lawns and meadows and gardens bright with old-fashioned I
flowers. [
And, though with the fires of passion your stories seldom
glowed,
That virtue need not be insipid they very clearly showed ;
For life in those placid regions was not all cakes and ale,
And love brought sore disquiet to your charming Lily Dale.
Yet, while discreetly checkered with sorrow and even crime,
Your stories mostly ended to the tune of the marriage chime,
T&OT you held with good CHARLES DAKWIN that a novelist
worth his salt
Eschewed an unhappy ending as a quite incurable fault.
As a satirist of the clergy you served a laudable end,
For we recognise that faithful are the wounds that are
dealt by a friend ;
You scarified the pompous and yet delighted to paint
In the meek unselfish Warden a thoroughbred modern saint.
With you the religion of weekdays, and not the Sunday best,
Alike for cleric and layman was much the truest test ;
You had no special "doxy, but many a lance you broke
On behalf of plain God-fearing unfashionable folk.
And your dramatis persona had brains of every size,
For you loved the simple and stupid as well as the witty
and wise ;
And some of your rarest figures were moulded of common
clay,
And some of your high-born ladies had the meanest parts
in the play.
Then, O ye precious penmen, who furiously rage
Against the " moral serfdom " of the mid- Victorian age,
Lauding your modern idols who make their genius plain
In an infinite capacity for giving their readers pain —
Go wallow at will in your garbage, mean, sinister or smart,
And prate till your jaws are weary of Art for the sake of
Art,
You cannot abate my freedom to wander far and wide
In the pleasant land of Barset by Father ANTHONY'S side.
IN KENSINGTON SQUARE.
I DON'T wish to sail under false colours, so I may as well
say at once that this is going to be an appeal — an appeal
both for sympathy and for money. Before, however, I
proceed to make it' I will enter into an agreement with the
millions who read Mr. Punch. If I succeed at all in my
attempt to convince them that I have a good object at
heart, why then they must send along their money. If, on
the other hand, I fail, they can keep their cheques in the
drawer and their War Loan vouchers in the safe with ;i
clear conscience. I am sure I shall win, not because I
am confident in my skill, but because my object is so
undeniably excellent. Is it a bargain ? Very well, then.
It was on a bright afternoon a short time ago that I
found myself in an old house of the Queen Anne period
in Kensington Square. Somebody or something must, I
suppose, have urged me to go. At any rate there I was,
looking into a narrow little room, in which was sitting the
queerest little old lady, dressed in a beautiful dress of stiff
brocade, with very high heels to her buckled shoes, and
wearing her hair thickly powdered. At my sudden appear-
ance she rose, regarding me with no very amiable air.
"How now, Sir? " she said. " What means this conduct '?
Is a lady not to be safe from intrusion in her own room,
the only one now left to her of the many she once
inhabited? 'Tis but a powder-closet, I know, but even in
so narrow a cell I still have liberty to choose my visitors."
It was plain she was angry, but in her anger, as in her
whole aspect, there was something at once courtly and
unsubstantial. It seemed as though a rough breath might
blow her away. I stammered out such excuses as came into
my head on the spur of the moment, and was about to
withdraw when she stopped me.
" Hold, Sir," she said. " You erred in ignorance, and I
pardon you, as you on your side will, I doubt not, pardon
the rough words of an old woman made testy by time.
The truth is that this house is by my leave consecrated to
a great and beneficent work. Not a room in it but is filled
with its party of busy women daily giving their time and
the labour of their hands to the achievement of their tasks.
Even here — she pointed to the floor of the powder-closet,
which was heavily littered with heaps of tow — " even here
there is an overflow from their work, but 'tis not for me to
reproach them with it. Bather I rejoice."
" But what," I said, " is the use of tow ? "
" 'Tis to help the poor soldiers broke in the War. 'Tis
not enough to make a splint for a broken limb ; the splint
must be padded with tow, and there are willing hands here
both to make the splints and to pad them when made.
Would there had been such help in the days I remember,
when his Grace of MAELBOEOUGH, that great captain, led
the forces of the QUEEN. At Malplaquet we won a great
victory, but we lost twenty thousand men, and I fear hut
little was done to help the wounded. We must make
reparation for the past, and here we do it as best we may."
" But you," I said, " can you still help in this ? "
" I lend the house. I confer my approval on the workers.
Not much, you will say, but 'tis all I can do. A lady who
danced at the Court of QUEEN ANNE could not well do less
— or more. But we stand prating here too long. Go, Sir,
and see for yourself what is a-doing here. Commended by
me, you may pass everywhere and see everything, so that
Jt-i.v 21, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
77
Lady. "THE CAPTAIN SEEMS OFF HIS GAME."
Caddie. "Yss, LIDY. HE WAS A VERY GOOD 24, BUT HE'S SPOILT HISSELF DIGGING TRENCHES.
THIS WAR 's A TERRIBLE THING."
afterwards you may report our cause and its needs aright
to those who might aid us. Nay, I cannot go with you,
for my chair waits me below and my time is come to take
the air." And, as she said this, she seemed to shrivel before
my eyes, and in a moment she had vanished from the
powder-closet.
However, I took her advice and saw everything for my-
self ; and I now beg leave to report the result of my tour
tli rough the Queen Anne house in Kensington Square.
First, let me say that I found myself to be present at the
In ailquarters of the Kensington War Hospital Supply
Depot, a hive of industry the like of which, both in respect
of its output of work and its admirable organisation, I have
not seen. More than one thousand ladies of Kensington
have enrolled themselves as voluntary workers, and here in
their turns they come together, each in her own department,
to produce munitions for the various British and Allied Hos-
pitals at home and at the Front. In one room a party rolls
bandages with exquisite precision ; in another they are mak-
ing all sizes of swabs. In a third, as I have already said, they
concentrate on the padding of splints, which are served up
to them hot and hot, as it were, by a vigorous company of
inalo amateur carpenters installed in the basement. There
;uv about one hundred of these gentlemen in all, and, if I
may judge by those I saw, they are a most enthusiastic and
skilful lot. In addition to splints of all sorts they make in-
valid tables, crutches which one of them upholsters — in fact
every kind of carpentry that a hospital can require. Then
there is a needlework room for the making of dressing-
L;"wns, bed-jackets, flannel shirts, and so forth; while in
yet another room scores and scores of pairs of slippers are
made of so tempting a pattern and so comfortable a design
that one might almost wish for a wound in order to have
the privilege of wearing at least one pair of them. Room
after room I visited, and in every one of them I was struck
by the air of fresh and cheerful determination which shines
from the faces of those who, without ostentation and for
no material reward, have pledged themselves to hard toil
for the sake of their suffering fellow-mortals.
From Kensington Square the gifts of this Association
are sent out like blessings. Daily they speed on their
merciful errand to Malta, to Serbia, to East Africa, to
Flanders, to France, to Alexandria, to the Dardanelles.
And not only is the work entirely voluntary, but the
workers themselves help to swell the funds. In one week
they contributed no less a sum than forty pounds. The
only trouble is this : the appreciation of their work has.
grown so fast and the appeals from hospitals have become
so numerous and so urgent that, if all the demands are to
be satisfied, the gre.at and generous public must be asked
to help. Those who subscribe may rely on it that every
penny of their money will go straight to the purchase of
materials. Nobody in this Association is paid, except the
caretakers of the house. If you think I have given good
reasons for my appeal, let your cheques and your postal
orders not tarry. They may be sent to the joint Honorary
Secretaries, Mr. SIDNEY H. MOTION and Mr. EDWARD F.
SLADE, Kensington War Hospital Supply Dep6t, 11 and 12,
Kensington Square, W. And I may add that if you wish
to see what is being done you are cordially invited to call
at the address I have given, or at the Branch Dep6t at
20, Kensington Court close by. You may even be lucky
enough to find in her powder-closet my little old lady from
the Court of QUEEN ANNE. E. C. L.
78
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JULY 21, 1915.
that.
grip like
—Fire ! "
two o'clock ! "
would jump out of a
MUSKETRY INSTRUCTION. Take aim, Smithers 1-
I TOOK a dislike to Smithers from, "One ring out at
the moment lie entemt our Volunteer called 1 the marker.
Training Corps, and when I was pro- " Not so bad, I said «>OUgh
moted to the i command of his section judging by the way .you he d the nfle, I re
1 IK....III to dislike him still more. I should say it was-more luck than any- You
rri^, !,,. ,1,,,,,* Kmithers which thing. Give me the rifle, bmithers. payi
There is that about Smithers which thing
seems to make it impossible to give a " \\ hat
I 've tried to impress upon
getting a good score — like this." I fired
a few more shots.
" Can't see any hits," said the marker
with his eye to the glass.
' Then they must all be in the black,"
replied. " Better than I expected,
see, men, what can be done by
paying attention to your sights and
holding your rifle properly. Smithers,
Seems 10 rnaKu iu muuvraoiuw «« R**^ " , t * -i» r , i~ ,i , ,,
correct order when he is present. In you all," I went on, " is the importance | perhaps you will fetch me the target.
A f • I j • ~\T __ .. i.^»» «AHjkV> I— I n \-\t-s~i-i i ivli r if r/~\ iv-u-i vvrltllA fl»^ c-nstt i «-i»
addition to which he is one of those
men who seek to establish a reputa-
by asking difficult
tion for diligence
c|it<-~tions
One day, when my section had got
itself hopelessly mixed for the third time
in succession, I began to be annoyed.
of sighting. You cannot pay too much He brought it to me while the section
attention to your sights. There is only gathered round in awed silence. There
one thing worse than too fine a sight,
and that is too full a sight. Smithers
took too full a sight. Also refrain
from 'pulling.' Smithers pulled. Most
beginners do. You see the result. Ob-
uwvooivyiij j, ••'_,•••• t t ... • <•
Good heavens ! " I said, glaring at ; serve my position. This is now a rifle
Smithers, who I felt certain was re- 1 should be held.
sponsible, " do you mean to
say you 've forgotten how
to form fours ? How many
more times am I to tell
you — One pace to the rear
with the left foot, and one
to the right with "
" You 've got the section
inside out," interrupted
Smithers. " And I should
like to know what a man is
supposed to do when "
" That will do," I snapped.
" Not so much talking in
the ranks. What do you
think this is, Smithers —
a Literary and Debating
Society ? " I was working
up into my best sarcastic
vein when the platoon-
commander came along and
requested me to take my
men down to the range
and give them musketry
instruction.
I flatter myself that there
is precious little I do not
know about a rifle. I felt that even
Smithers would have no power to un-
nerve me once I got fairly started on
my pet theme. The section listened
respectfully, almost reverently, while
I explained the difference between
the foresight and the trigger-guard.
Smithers seemed particularly attentive.
I was determined, however, to take,
this opportunity of impressing him
with a full sense of his inferiority.
" Before I show you how to shoot,"
I said, " I will give you an example of
' how not to do it.' Smithers, be so
kind as to take up a firing position on
the mat." Smithers obeyed.
"You will observe," I continued,
"that his position is altogether wrong.
His legs are too wide apart ; his head
is forced too far forward ; his eye is
too near the backsight ; the butt of
the rifle is too high on his shoulder ;
his grip is hopeless ; a child's pop-gun
Then there is the
INTERVAL FOR REFRESHMENTS.
Doctor. "THEY TELL ME YOUR BOY IS OFF TO THE FRONT TO-DAY."
Villager. "Ay, POOR LAD! Oi BIN A-BLUBBIN' ABF THE MORNIN' —
AN' 01 BE JUST A-GOIN' TO 'AVE A DROP OF ZIDER, AN' THEN 01 BE
A-GOIN' 'OME TO BLUB AGAIN!"
was not a single perforation.
" What does this mean?" I exclaimed.
Said Smithers in his slow, fatuous
way : " I should say that it means you
missed the target every time."
" "Unless the bullets bounced off,"
suggested Hatherway.
" Or came back and filled
up the holes," said Jacobs.
"That will do," 1 said
sharply. "Not so much talk-
ing. There is something
wrong with the sights."
" You tested and set them
yourself, Sir," said the
marker, rather more coldly.
" Besides which the other
gent hit the target all right."
The section chuckled joy-
ously. I felt myself coining
unstuck.
"I think I can explain,"
said Smithers, who was
examining the rifle.
" Of course you can," I
said sarcastically. " You al-
ways can, Smithers. Gentle-
men, Mr. Smithers can ex-
plain. Ha! Silence, pray,
for our new musketry in-
structor, Mr. Smithers ! "
"The rifle is sighted
for 500 yards," drawled
Smithers. " This is a" 25-
' letting off.' Most
Smithers, for example
raw recruits —
-pull the trigger
as though they were trying to pull a
cart-horse back upon its haunches,
whereas a gentle even pressure is what
you want." I fired.
" You 're not on the target," said the
marker. "Unless," he added hastily,
"it 's in the black."
" We '11 presume it 's a bull," I said
stiffly. " There is no reason why it
should not be a bull. If these sights
are correct —
" You tested them yourself," put in
the marker coldly.
" it must be a bull." I addressed
the section. " Now I '11 show you how
to get a good grouping. An occasional
bull is all very well, but it 's the good
group that counts,
correct sight, as I
Now if you take a
did, and hold your
rifle properly, and not as Smithers held
it, there is nothing to prevent your
yard range, consequently every one of
your shots, presuming that you wenj
aiming correctly, must have cleared
the top of the target by about two
inches."
When the fools had finished laughing
I said, looking at Smithers —
" Smithers, these sights were correct
when the rifle was in your hands."
Smithers' face wore the guileless
oh-to-be-an-angel expression of the
cathedral choir-boy. I was proceeding
when the platoon-sergeant entered with
orders for us to reassemble for dismissal,
" It just shows," I heard Smithers
say as the section fell in, " that a fellow
can't pay too much attention to his
sights."
I can see myself having trouble with
Smithers.
A "FIGHTING STOCK."
THE NEW WAR LOAN.
JULY 21, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
79
"!F THE GOVERNMENT WANTS MOKE MONEY, WHY DON'T THEY PUT THE MINT ON OVEBTIME?"
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)
Alii. II. (1. WELLS never perhaps fools quite lightly; he
can't help weighting his most extravagant jests with just a
little sociology and social criticism, and Bealby (METHUEN),
which ho calls " a holiday," in the sense of " a lark," has
little touches of this, and also lies under the handicap of
the; gifted author's rather ponderous phrase-making, or
phrase-making that seems ponderous in this kind of jollity.
1 am not sure, either, that he quite escapes being occasion-
ally facetious . . . But of course it 's absurd to be solemn
about Bealby — a mere extempore diversion thrown off in
an artless way : a kind of harlequinade, or perhaps like
nothing so much as a scenario for one of those breathless
kinema comedies of the people's palaces. But not fatuous,
as they — rather, indeed, at times quite Pickwickian in its
resourcefulness and gay movement. When I tell you that •
Bcally, the new steward's-room boy, escaping from the I
persecutions of Thomas, the second footman, butted an
Hegelian Lord Chancellor of ample habit of body (no, not I
that one, as Mr. WELLS carefully explains in the preface),
and that thereafter the Chancellor bit the butler and on
yet another occasion blacked his eye and yet again shook
liiiu violently at his host's sideboard at Shonts during that
fatal \\cck-end, you won't wonder that Sir Peter Laxton
thought his guest needed to be restricted in the matter of
alcohol. And you may wonder reasonably what it was all
about and what it all led to. Well, vet Bealby and find
out. You '11 not be bored, and you '11 laugh often. And
what better things in a small way can well befall you '.'
What a crowd of readers will rejoice to hear that the
happy coalition known as E. CE. SOMEBVILLE and MAHTIN
Boss have published another of their delicious pronounce-
ments on the Irish problem. In Mr. Knox's Country
(LONGMANS) brings back again all those jolly people whom
one has several times enjoyed meeting before — Flu rnj Knox ;
the fearful but fascinating old grandmother, Philippa, and
the rest of them. No collaboration has ever been a greater
puzzle to me than this of these two clever women. The
matter of their stories is so slight (nothing at all, when you
look back upon them, ever seems to have happened) and
the laughter they raise in you is so inevitable a thing, born
spontaneously from the clash of characters, that I am
driven to the belief that each of the authors must manage
their pet persons in the cast independently of the other,
and take it in turns to set down the result. In this case I
thinK my most grateful homage is at the feet of whoever is
responsible for old Mrs. Knox. That aged but unquench-
able lady is a joy for ever. Whether you see her heroically
stifling her rheumatics, bending a rebellious family to her
iron will, minding her own and everyone else's business,
or relaxing in the gentler pleasures of the chase, she
remains a quite unforgettable figure. As in the previous
books, these stories are illustrated with drawings by Mis-
SOMERVILLE, but, spirited as they are, I could have wished
that the artist had left Mrs. Knox to my unfettered imagi-
nation. No hand, even that of her creator, could improve
on my mental image of this wonderful and superhuman
being.
Two Who Declined (SMITH, ELDER) is what I should call
80
PUN< II.
Oil
THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JULY 21, 1915.
dozen objects. And
work of art it suffers.
a most worrying book. It is so involved and haphazard,
and so much concerned with things that used to matter a
::<>i>d deal, but at present are altogether outside, that I
ended by mislaying my patience. I should say it was
very probably a first effort in fiction ; and, for all its
obvious defects, there are here and there snatches of clever-
ness about the writing that mitigated my exasperation.
So perhaps HEHIIEUT THKMAINK (whom I suspect, despite
this name, of being a woman) will do better next time.
For one tiling, the present book suffers from having been
written with an object. One might indeed say with half-a-
the inevitable result is that as a
We began with a promising thrill :
a young doctor has just shot himself, leaving behind a
semi-idiot child (who, we gather, used to be all right before
the doctor began experimenting) and a frightened partner.
Moreover, the partner, who rejoiced, or might under
happier circumstances have rejoiced, in the name of
Ludovic Spim, was a Prussian. So, of course, I saw at
once that he had been up to some of his native devilments ;
and started with a pleasant anticipation of a mystery,
ending with the just hu-
miliation of the Herr Doctor
Spim. But here, unfortun-
ately, the Purposes began
muddling things. Sj)im was
guilty all right ; but we
never got much further than
that. Instead, attention
was taken up with a crew
of Anti-Vivisectionists and
Vegetarians and Woman's
Eighters, who were all so
boring that I feel sure they
must be faithfully drawn.
Indeed it is partly on the
treatment of them that I
base my hope that Mr. or
Mrs. or Miss TREMAINE
may yet produce an in-
teresting story, given more
agreeable matter. But
honestly, unless your ad-
miration for the Purposes is robust enough to overcome your
wish for entertainment, I fear I must advise you to follow
the example of the Two Who Declined and give the present
volume a miss.
remember that the portrait is a possible one, for it takes
just a little of the bitterness out of an ineffably bad business.
Perhaps Mr. CHAMBERS, like many writers in this field, is a
little too obsessed with those fateful documents which are
stolen, pursued, captured, left on the washing-stand and
forgotten, though the fugitive's life and a country's fate
hang on them. Of course it was flattering of Mr. CHAMBERS
to make his hero knit his brow so determinedly and so long
over that cipher drawing, the general sense of which
dawned upon clever me when I first clapped eyes upon it,
as it will dawn on you, gentle reader
Taking it all in
all, this is a sound book and not blighted with too many
horrors.
New Farm Assistant (sweetly). "WOULD YOU BE so KIND AS TO
TURN THAT ANIMAL FOB ME? I WANT HIM TO GO IN HEBE."
Mr. R. W. CHAMBEBS contrives a plausible atmosphere
of War in Who Goes There") (APPLETON). His gallant
young American hero, Kervyn Guild, in reality a scion of
the old Belgian nobility and reserve officer in the crack
regiment of KING ALBERT'S army, The Guides, is first
introduced as a unit in a party ranged against a wall
facing a row of helmeted men in field-grey of a well-known
shade ; and from that awkward moment till he takes his
German-Danish bride to safety through the enemy lines,
has a very tough time of it and acquits himself as one has
learnt to expect a Belgian officer to do. Karen, his heroine,
is an eminently good sportsman, and makes and takes love
very prettily indeed. Mr. CHAMBERS weaves his double
strand of Love and Death with a skilled hand. And, being
a neutral with an immense bias on the right side, he yet
sees (or at least saw at the time of correcting his proof-
sheets, which was before the Gulfliyht, the Falaba, the
Litsitania and other gentle bunnishments) the great quarrel
with enough of detachment to allow himself to draw
As far as I can gather from contemporary fiction, the
chief flaw in the German system of espionage is that there
seems to be no means by which one German spy can
recognise another. This makes it hard for the poor fellows.
They are going along very nicely, when up comes a perfect
stranger, who says, " Hist ! I also am from the Wilhelm-
strasse ; I also am a spy, only a rather more important one
than you. From now on,
act entirely under my orders.
Perhaps you had better
begin by telling me all
your professional secrets,
and after that I '11 be think-
ing up something else for
you to do." Upon which,
without a moment's doubt
or hesitation, the guileless
fellows, saluting humbly
and murmuring, "Gott
strafe England ! " proceed
to jump through hoops,
sham dead, and do anything
else he requires of them.
There is something very
charming about this child-
like faith in one's species,
and I am glad to find it
flourishing in Berlin, but it
must hamper the German
Secret Service as regards results. To take but one instance,
it enabled Alec Deane, in Mr. ARTHUR W. MABCHMONT'S
latest story, The Lady Passenger (HODDER AND STOUGHTON),
to do more deceiving and frustrating than I remember to
have come across between the pages of any other six-shilling
novel. The scene of The Lady Passenger is laid in Con-
stantinople, shortly before the entry of Turkey into the
War, and deals with the efforts of sundry German spies to
hand over an English girl to the Turkish Haska Pasha as
the price of his assistance in bringing his country into the
conflict. Deanc poses as a superior spy, orders the lesser
spies about, snubs them, bullies the Pasha, and saves the
girl. It is an entertaining story, but I am bound to say
that the opinion I once held, that the two most dangerous
things in the world were German spies and mince pies, has
been sadly shaken.
" Isaac Newton, when at school, was a notorious dunce, and
nearly always found himself at the bottom of the class." — Answers.
And that 's how he discovered the theory of Gravitation.
" We hear of men who send their only sons to the front in the spirit
of ISAAC the Patriarch, who laid his first-barn on the altar."
Morning Post.
portrait of a chivalrous Prussian officer, th« rival claimant | This hitherto unrecorded incident shows that ISAAC was a
Evan m our anger it is no bad thing to remarkable example of heredity.
JULY 28. 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
81
CHARIVARIA.
"The Dnilij Mui I yesterday said that
Mr. LLOYD GKOUGK ought to go to
Cardiff at once. At 0.10 last night
Mr. Lloyd George . . . left for Car-
diff."— Daily Mail. Esteemed orders
promptly executed.
* *
"COAL, STR1KK.
BLACK OUTLOOK.''
Daily Chronicle.
It 's been done before. A very mode-
rate joke even when it first
came out. ... ...
The Giarnale Sicilia states
that, during the taking of
Monte Nero, a Sicilian soldier
captured an Austrian general
by lassoing him. We caution
our Allies against doing this
to any German generals.
German generals are very dig-
nified and touchy, and would
probably consider it an un-
friendly act. ,,.
Speaking of Lord HALDANE
the KreuzzeitiiTtg says : — " His
success in deceiving us is due
to the admirable and truly
English mask of hypocrisy
under which he hid his rep-
tilian features." One would
have thought, however, that
the lithe and snake-like sinu-
osity of the EX-CHANCELLOR'S
figure would have put them
on their guard.
* *
"RIGA IN DANGER."
The above headline, pub-
lished last week, caused a
feeling of intense depression
among limerick -lovers, and
the hope was freely expressed
that every nerve will be
strained to prevent the name
of this important town being
changed. ... .,,
a portrait of REMDRANDT in a series of
pictures entitled "Great Germans."
According to tho yearly report of tho
Medical Ollicer of Health the principal
cause of death in Cambridge! is old age.
It is thought that, now that this is
known, local scientists will concentrate
on the problem of abolishing old age.
# ;:•
The publisher of the magazine, Blast,
announces that he still has some copies
of number one. We can well believe this.
A letter from a British soldier in the
Persian Gulf, quoted in The TIIIH-*,
says, " We are called tho 'goggle-eyed
army ' owing to our wearing goggles
to protect our eyes from the fierce rays
of the sun. We also wear spine pro-
tectors for the same reason." We
scent an Irishman here.
The German newspapers are furious
with the famous Italian singer, CARUSO,
for not being a pro-German, and the
KAISER wants his scarf-pins back.
SINGING THEIR OWN WEDDING MARCH
CEufs a la Coq.
"Egg-laying in poultry descends
from sire to daughter."
Tlie Scottish Farmer.
A Real Clerk of the Weather.
"Mr. Rufus Williams called
attention to the vano on the Town
Clerk, which now always pointed to
the south-west — a most unfortunate
quarter." — Cambrian Neil's.
" Advertiser fed up with dull life
wants to correspond with intelligent
men. Subjects — Physic, Occult,
Religion, & Ghost lore, Humour
not objected to. Nom-de-plume on
tioth sides. Address Mr. R. Crusoe,
c/o Post Master, Dhurrumtollah."
Statesman.
We are sorry that Mr. R.
CRUSOE, like his namesake,
should suffer from ennui, and
can only hope that he will find
correspondents who can " joke
! wi'oot deeficulty" on the sub-
i jects he mentions.
"The fact that head wounds
represent, according to a paper read
at the Paris Academy of Medicine,
13-33 per cent, of all wounds is of
groat importance to a proper un-
derstanding of tho problem of tho
use of helmets (culottes metal-
liques)." — The Times.
It would also help to simplify
the problem if our contem-
porary would kindly explain
how the wearing of metal
breeches is expected to prevent
head-wounds.
We regret to hear that Mr. Justice
AVORY'S remarks, in the course of a
recent action, on the wickedness of
spending £500 on a Pekinese puppy,
have given grave offence in China.
* _#
The engagement of Mr. EDWIN MON-
T.\(ii- and the Hon. VENETIA STANLEY
has been described as " a sort of War
Loan affair" — Mr. MONTAGU taking
his fiancie with the right to convert.
Herr HOUSTON CHAMBERLAIN declares
that there is a dearth of great men
among his dear Germans. This fact
would seem to be appreciated by at
leastoneGerm an paper, which publishes
From The Obsei-ver:—"Sis, — 'Ob-
servator ' is wrong in saying that the
bi-centenary of Queen Anne's death
passed unnoticed. I laid a bunch of
flowers at the base of her statue in
Queen Anne's Gate. — RANDALL DA VIES,
F.S.A." We are afraid that RANDALL
is a bit of a flirt. ^ ...
" While the cunning silence of the
English," says the Kreuzzeitung, " has
been taken for pure gold, the gold of
straightforwardness and justice that is
hidden beneath German talkativeness
has not been discovered." The latter
portion of this statement is, anyhow,
a fact.
"Mr. , of Kipling Avenue, Bivth, has
received a commission in the 169th Battalion
D.C.L.I."— Bath and Wilts Chronicle.
The reports that recruiting in the
Delectable Duchy has been slack
are evidently unfounded. If you persist
in them, these 169,000 "Cornishmen
will know the reason why."
From a speech by the German
Chancellor : —
" Germany and Austria-Hungary were fight-
ing for their liver against a world of pigmies."
Daily Telegraph (Launceston, Tasmania).
We hope it may be inferred from this
that the Central Powers have given up
all hope of saving their bacon.
VOL. CXLIX.
82
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JULY 28, 1915.
WEARY WILLIE, JUNIOR.
I HEAR that we are going strong
Out there upon the Polish front,
But somehow something's always wrong
About my own peculiar stunt ;
Kiich single time I take a blob;
For just a solid year I 've scored 'em ;
And now this tedious Argonne job
Has turned me stiff with boredom.
Once more I'm told to hack my way
To Verdun by the nearest route,
This time allowing no delay
For women, wine or other loot ;
Well, I have hacked and hacked and hacked
Day after day in dull succession,
And only made in point of fact
A very small impression.
I fear that Father takes it ill ;
He taught me as a bud to sprout ;
From him I learned the way to spill
My cannon-fodder's blood about ;
He nursed my Hohenzollern brains
And showed my scabbard how to rattle,
And yet, for all his pious pains,
I cannot win a battle.
So now he cuts me. All this while
"He's polishing up his orb and crown,
Rehearsing how to make in style
His entry into Warsaw town ;
And there (with Mother, too, in tow)
He'll leave me outside in the chilly,
And never pause to care a blow
About his Little Willie. O. S.
HOW TO END THE WAR IN NO TIME.
(By Our Aerial Expert, Mr. Bindles Dibs.)
I RETURN this week (as I did last week and the week
before and expect to do next week) to the need for an
Aerial Offensive on a grand scale. It is a most extra-
ordinary thing that the Government can't be made to see
it after all the trouble I have had in working out the
details. I have consistently advocated, in this publication
and elsewhere, en the platform and in the Press, the
recognition of our air forces in the capacity not of an arm
but of a service ; also the vital difference between an Attack
and an Assault, the hopeless ineffectiveness of Eaids as
compared with Thrusts, and the important distinction
between an Offensive Act and a mere Impertinence.
To-day we come back to our old ground and proceed to
discuss (1) How our aerial fleet is to be obtained, and (2)
How it is to be employed.
We must have an adequate force, and this force must
not have any earthly connection with the forces we have
already. It must not be confounded with them at all ; it
must be a new, special and unique departure, set aside,
ear-marked, allocated, fore-ordained. You see it is meant
to be a fresh element of surprise, and it is clear that the more
I go on talking about it the more profoundly unprepared
the enemy will be for its appearance. But one point about
it must be borne in mind — that it will do the trick.
How is this force to be obtained? We must not for a
moment interfere with the work that is going on in the pro-
duction of aeroplanes to operate as an arm with our forces
in the field. (I have nothing to do with that : I believe
them to be doing well). The thing must be done on a
ierritorial basis and spread over every part of tho British
Isles. I have taken a good deal of trouble to work this out
and have arrived, by a process of elimination, at the only
oossiblo method. I do not ask for an unreasonable number
;>f aeroplanes, but we must have ten thousand to start with,
ind the number must increase by leaps and bounds. As I
calculate, it can be done, with our existing resources, in a
matter of about five weeks. But the \voi k must be minutely
sub-divided.
Let every parish form a committee and undertake the
local production of one machine and the training of one
aviator. Local conditions must of course be considered.
In some cases the man most suited to be trained for this
purpose would be cne of the churchwardens ; in others not.
But the right man could easily bo found. Where a parish
committee could not he formed without friction the thing
might be put in the hands of the local Cricket Club, or the
Horticultural Society, where such exists. Plans would be
provided by a central office in London. • I cannot see any
difficulty that can arise. By the way, will all inventors,
constructors, mechanics, local tradesmen willing to try to
make parts of aeroplanes and other aerial accessories im-
mediately communicate with me by registered post ?
Let us suppose, allowing for all delays, that our new fleet
is ready for mobilization by the second week in October.
How then is it to be employed so as to wind up the War
before the third week in November, and so obviate another
winter campaign? It must operate at selected points in a
continuous stream, night and day. The flight must ; be
made at a certain altitude and in a certain formation, and,
more than that, in a certain given direction. The best
formation, to allow for windage, is a diamond lozenge shape
with an oblique spear head. This ensures that if every
man drops bombs for all he is worth some of them will
reach their billet. For let me again impress upon my
readers the fact, not yet sufficiently grasped, that an
aeroplane is not simply a weapon with a range of some
hundreds of miles, it is also a club which can strike at a
distance ; it may also almost be said to be a fist, enhanced
by a trajectory.
There are many useful objectives. There are — did I
ever mention it before? — the bridges over the Ehine. If
they were destroyed they could not be freely used till they
were repaired. Again, the German army in the West
would be rendered helpless by the unceasing bombardment
of the General Staff. Again — this is my newest idea:
I always like to put in something new to encourage my
readers — the crops in the Hungarian Plain (such of them
as are still ungarnered in October) could be made unlit for
human use by being subjected to a curtain of bombs on
an extensive scale.
I have only to add that if it is dezided to go forward
with the scheme, exactly as here described, I shall be
happy to give my services in any useful capacity.
Correspondence: Mr. H. G. WELLS writes: — "My dear
Dibs, — It 's no good. If people of rich imagination and
brilliant prophetic powers— like you and me — who foresaw
every incident and development of the present War about
the end of last century, cannot get a hearing and a
following now, there may be, after all, some truth in the
torrent of bosh about national inefficiency that issues from
the Press every day. So I think you may as well give
it up." .
"EDINBURGH AND DISTRICT.
KKUPP'S MEN THREATEN TJ STIUKE."
Edinburgh Eeming News.
Thanks, no doubt, to the Censor, the London Press has
not reported the enemy's invasion of the Scottish capital.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— JULY 28, 1915.
\
PUTTING HIM IN HIS PLACE.
AUSTRIAN EMPEEOB. "HOW WELL OUR ARMS ARE DOING!"
GERMAN EMPEROR (coldly), "QUITE SO. BY THE WAY, I HEAR YOU'VE GOT A WAR ON
WITH ITALY. ANY NEWS FROM THAT FRONT?"
JULY 28, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CIIAUIVAIM.
'./.fii y'tf" V
Patriotic Villager (discussing ayes). "Ip THIS WAR 'AD ONLY STARTED THIBTY YEABS AGO, SIB, I COULD JUST 'A SQUEEZED INTO
THE ARMY."
FROM A BELGIAN GARDEN.
H.
DEAR MONSIEUR X, — Since I last
wrote to you, we in your garden have
been through some tough times. Your
house lias had at least a dozen shells
clean through it. Doors and windows
no longer exist and several walls are
swept away as by a wizard's wand.
In one room which remains whole we
boldly eat our meals in the less turbu-
lent days. But our sometime bedroom
— and it looks as if it had once been
yours — had two stink-shells in it within
five minutes one evening; the gas smell,
which makes you cry from eyes, nose,
and throat all at once, lingered about
the d&bris for a week. The kitchen is
blown in and your priceless kitchen-
nw\y, wrecked. The beams of the
upstairs rooms wave about and groan
in the wind. The little carriage house
is a heap of bricks.
But the cellar is still good, and some
of the men sleep there. For others we
have dug two line strong- bolstered pits,
one outside your front door and one
under the western bay-window. We
had to take these liberties and we ask
your pardon.
We are convinced it was the fault of
other batteries, Monsieur, who have
from time to time come to your garden
and requested leave to take up a posi-
tion in the hedge on the German)' side
of it. The first of these neighbours
stayed two days and one night. They
had not the art of hiding from the
aeroplane. Your hedge there was torn
up, the noble north-east beech was
smashed at its base, and four eight-
inch shells roared down into the farm
stables near by and set them on fire. The
high -explosives whistled and hummed
within inches of our cowering heads
for a dreadful period not measurable by
ordinary time. Another eight-inch shell
landed within a dozen feet of our tele-
phone dug-out, right in the face of the
little china Notre Dame in the tree, and
it failed to explode ! The place shook
horribly, but two of us crawled out and
put the shell in a deep damp hole. Not
one of our battery was hit. But the
other people ! What was left of them
pulled their guns out as soon as dusk
came in the evening of that second
day. In all, three batteries have come
to that north-eastern side of your house
and tried to stay there. We are alone
here now with your house and garden
in ruins.
And yet some people will deny that
miracles can happen ! Ask the Q.M.S.
about miracles. He rides up with the
transport party — rations and ammuni-
tion— every evening, and his teams
have to travel for over a mile in the
shell zone before they leave the twist-
ing road to trot across the final three-
quarters of a mile of fields up to the
house here. I have just told you what
those fields look like. The Germans
try and time their Evening Hate to
coincide with the Q.M.S.'s arrival,
but he has always got his transport
through without disaster. Probably
he could not explain how. The ride
across your western fields under
shell fire, Monsieur, is something to
remember.
The German shells have not entirely
killed the Spring which we have spent
here. The chestnuts in your wind-
breaks have flamed out ; the gorgeous
lilacs have burst forth strong and sweet
and luxuriant, challenging all furies
whatsoever ; the great rhododendron by
the shattered north-east beech is in all
its old riot of colour. Not a single shell
has hit any of these splendid things.
Perhaps Mademoiselle your daughter
— who "has taken you by the arm,
| surely, to look at this passion of
| Nature in former springtimes — perhaps
; Mademoiselle may be glad to hear this
jnews of -them. Be so good as to say,
! with my salutations, how heartily I
agree with her taste.
Yours in gratitude,
FORWARD OBSERVING OFFICER.
86
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JULY 23, 1915,
THE COUNTRY COTTERS.
i.
DEAR PETEB, — Thank you for your
magnanimous ofl'er to lend me one-and-
sevenpence till next screw-day, but you
have entirely misinterpreted my letter.
You forgot to read between the lines.
What I intended to convey to you was
that Joan and I are much too hard up
this year to afford a holiday on our
usual scale of princely • munificence.
\Yhafc we are accustomed to ~
is an " excellent 'cuisine under
the immediate supervision of a
professional, choice wines from
our own wood, separate knives
and forks for each course, sep-
arate serviettes," the type of
accommodation with which the
Bailway Guides have doubtless
made you familiar.
But I see no prospect of our
being able to afford these extra-
vagances unless we make some
more money. This we could
possibly do by Joan's accepting
a little plain charing and by my
taking pupils for fretwork and
the mandoline— courses which, |
I need scarcely say, we are very
loath to adopt, as the families of
both of us date back to QUEEN
VICTOBIA, a fact of which we
are naturally proud, though
jealous young Ed wardians might
possibly call it swank.
Things being so, you may
imagine how anxious I am to
solve the problem of our annual
holiday satisfactorily. A few
days ago I thought I had done
so. I came across an advertise-
ment in one of the papers
which suggested to me a method
whereby we could secure, with
a little adroitness and savoir
I faire, a holiday of the kind to
which we have been brought
up, at only half the usual price.
The advertisement concluded —
" Terms from 7s. 6d. a day . . .
Days of arrival and departure
I laid the idea before Joan, but she
says there must be a flaw in my argu-
ment somewhere, or else why hasn't
the idea been worked before ? My
answer to that was that other people
haven't got my brains. Nevertheless,
Joan refuses to attempt the scheme
unless I first consult Perkins about it.
13ut that, I consider, would be sheer
waste of money, because I shall have
to pay Perkins 6*. 8d. for his opinion
in any case, and then, if his opinion
[According to a publican who gave evidence the other day,
the earlier closing of -public-houses owing to War regulations
has led to a larger jug trade.]
Workman (grappling with the difficulty). "STRAFE THE
KAISER ! THERE GOES ANOTHER HALF-PINT ! "
reckoned as one day." Now can you see
my idea ? If we started off in the side-
car one morning at about 5.30 we could
reach Lumpton-super-Mare in time for
the "full meat breakfast" at 8.30, and
need not leave until we had had "coffee
in the Lounge " after dinner on the
following day. This accommodation
would undoubtedly be cheap at 15s. for
the two of us. We should then leave
the Hotel at 11.55 and return at a few
minutes after midnight, and ask for
rooms again. And so en, day after
day, until we had spent all our money,
or were forcibly escorted beyond the
immediately after reading your generous
letter. Now, Peter, you own a country
cottage, "The Yews" (or is it "The
Ewes'"?), at Windleton, Sussex, which
you never use except as an address
from which to write letters to The
Daily Mail, possibly with the notion
that the opinions of Peter Travers, of
Windleton, in the County of Sussex,
Gentleman, will have greater weight
with the Editor than those of Peter
Travers, of Thornton Heath, in the
1 County of — is it in a county ? —
| average adjuster. What do you
! say to letting it to me for three
i weeks come next Tuesday ? I
, should bo willing to pay you any
sum in reason, say threepence a
week, for the use of it. I would
i take great care of it, and always
bring it in at night . . . No,
no, my dear Peter, we simply
conldn't. We may be poor, but
(as I have already told you) we
are proud. I insist on putting the
matter on a regular business foot-
ing. Many thanks all the same,
in which my wife joins me. . . .
We should, of course, expect
nothing in return for airing the
beds, ventilating the premises
or feeding the ewes (or is it
" yews " ?). But I should like
to know — •
(a) What rent will you allow
me to pay ?
(b) Is the cottage on the
electrophone '?
(c) Is there a bath-room ?
Failing that, a ducking-
stool at the village pond '?
(d) A skating-rink ?
(e) A presbytery?
(/) Do we have to take our
•own linen, glass, cutlery
and chaplain ?
Let me have a reply at
once, there 's a good Peter, for
which I enclose — at least, I
think I enclose ; yes, I do en-
close— a penny stamp.
What about references'? My
bankers will, I am sure, be
should coincide with my own, I shall | pleased to certify that my overdraft
have absolutely squandered eight-ninths I is no more than usual, and" our family
of a Lumpton-super-Mare full meat j doctor would not have any objection to
breakfast, eight-ninths of a Lumpton testifying that I always discard from
Inwdklk /«_2&l* _1- _* r 1 . T 1-1 •, "
lunch (with choice of hot and cold
dishes), eight-ninths of a Lumpton after-
noon tea (including cake or biscuits),
eight-ninths of a Lumpton 18-hole
weakness. Or, let me see, isn't it yon
who ought to give me, references ? I
will ask Perkins (not, if I can avoid
it, in a professional way, but in the
r ,. . •/ "eit •«« -»- icjuiijo LW aci y uuttu
r by & posse ol Boy Scouts. | a brand-new brain-wave arrived to-da-y
•~f ^— •— uj.u , ii/j in. tu l/i VJHJoOlV/I..lC*.t \YtfcVj UU.U 111 VLVO
table d'hote dinner, eight-ninths of a course of general conversation), and if
Lumpton coffee in the lounge, to say he says Yes, I shall require references
nothing of eight-ninths of bed, free I from the Archbishop of CANTEKBUBY,
boots, lights and attendance.
With some reluctance, therefore, I ,.
finally abandoned the idea at 2.47 A.M. Your loving little friend (though it
next morning, but I rejoice to say that i sounds more like a biscuit),
Mr. GORDON SELFRIDGE and the Spanish
Ambassador.
OSWALD.
JULY 28, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAKI.
. 87
Prisoner (on being asked, " What sty you, ' Guilty' or 'Not guilty' ? "). " ME LUD, I LKAVE IT TO TUB LEARNED COUNSELS TO FIGHT
IT OUT BETWEEN 'EM. I'LL BE NEUTRAL."
THE IMPORTUNATES.
A FRAGMENT.
I '\ST-JIASTER of th' inquisitorial art,
Behold Sir ARTHUR MARKHAM, blame-
less Bart.,
Who in his hate of prophesyings smooth
Out-Herods HEROD and out-Handels
BOOTH.
Not his the methods of his namesake
mild,
Instructress of the mid-Victorian child,
But a relentless longing, fierca and fell,
To drag poor Truth at all hours from
her well,
Linked with a childish jealousy of those
Who vie with him in comfortingour foes.
For though, as Master of the Scapegoat
Hunt,
Sir ARTHUR long has kept his place in
front,
In shoer grotesque irrelevance GINNELL
Must he pronounced to bear awav the
bell.
Two of a trade ; the ancient saw proves
true
Of the two leaders of the curious crew.
In the long run the pupil always wins,
And then the ancient comedy begins —
Satan rebukes his own peculiar sins.
Nor must veracity refrain or flinch
From doing justice to the wondrous
LYNCH,
Who in his quest of needless knowledge
seeks
To prove himself the very Prince of
Freaks.
Yet, if his talk be tall, for this abuse
He can admittedly plead good excuse :
Nature, his countrymen are wont to tell,
Gave him an inch, and so he took an L.
And there are others who foment dis-
trust
By stirring up recriminative dust —
Most worthy men, no doubt, but how I
wish
They 'd fry some other and less stink-
ing fish —
MASON from Coventry to London sent,
Although the converse was by Nature
meant,
And DALZIEL, who assiduously tries
To scare the timid by his tales of spies.
In fine, though not habitually prone
To harbour homicidal thoughts, I own
To feeling them within my bosom rise
Against these Parliamentary Paul Prys.
Thank Heav'n, for some few blessed
weeks to come
The rising of the House will keep them
dumb,
And, in enforced abstention from de-
bates,
Less free to tempt the Nemesis that
waits . • •
On those who labour with unholy zeal
Lest England's wounds should be
allowed to heal.
THE HONEYMOON.
DEAR CHLOE, — When, a year ago,
We planned our honeymoon together,
We asked but little here below —
A week or two of decent weather,
Hotels attuned to English ways
(The Continent we both laid stress on),
The guiding hand of COOK or GAZE
To teach the amateur his lesson.
My word, there 's been a change since
then,
A change exceeding swift and
thorough !
And now I guard, from six till ten,
The gas-works of my native borough;
While you, by tender, zeal possessed,
Each week foregather with your
neighbours,
And do your dear unskilful best
To share in Sister Susie's labours.
But, when the Hun has met his fate,
And we, evading rice and slippers,
Depart the parish church in state,
The latest thing in bridal-trippers;
When War and " frightfulness " are not,
And KRUPP is impotent to scare us,
To some remote and restful spot
A surplus Zeppelin shall bear us.
88
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JULY 28, 1915.
THE WATCH DOGS.
XXIV.
MY mcAii CHAKLKS, — The week's
battalion communique runs : — " Thurs-
day evening. Our .Henry was vigor-
ously attacked at 6.30. by a hostile
shell of a highly explosive nature ; but
after a somewhat violent engagement
lie won. While the casualties on our
side were limited to damages to a cap
and waterproof coat, the enemy shell
was completely annihilated." My first
thought was "Poor old Charles! He
will have to listen to a lot of talk about
this.'1 Even then it occurred to me
thab-you- might think I was attaching
too much importance to what is, after all,
one among many millions of "crumps ; "
at the same time I felt that sutiicient
importance never could be attached
to that blinding, deafening monstrosity
which landed at my front door at 6.30
pipp einma (as the signallers would say),
and then and there had the one great
expansive moment of its career. To
think that, even if it had been a yard
to the left and so eliminated me, the
official communique would still have
run : " Thursday. Nothing of import-
ance occurred on the Western front ! "
A dozen shells had already burst in
our area, and we had not complained.
It is the little attention which the
enemy is used to paying us of an
evening, and upon which we have come
to look as our special perquisite, claim-
that trench No. - - has the most
adequate shell-service in the neighbour-
hood. As usual, I had withdrawn into
my dug-out and was, for the tenth time,
rearranging its interior, making a place
for everything, putting everything in
its place. When your floor, walls and
ceiling are naked earth, there need be
no limit to the tidiness of your home ;
if, for instance, there is no place to put
your stud, you take your jack-knife and
carve a little niche in the wall ; there
you have your recess for officer's stud
complete.
At the passage of the twelfth sbell I
had housed everything, and I should
have gone out, assuming the danger to
be past, had it not occurred to me that I
had omitted to provide accommodation
for myself. I was moulding the floor
to fit that peculiar thing, the human
body, when black darkness, accom-
panied by a lot of red light, smoke,
earth, stones, hot metal and pieces of
waterproof, arrived ; the noisiest arrival
1 ever recollect. In the debris only
one thing was visible, a sheet of a
I current journal showing the heavy-
| leaded legend, Wliat is High Explosive ?
I was extremely annoyed and anxious
i immediately to inform the responsible
person how surprised I was at the
attitude he had seen fit to adopt. In
calmer contemplation, I convinced
myself that what had happened
was probably something after this
manner : —
A long way behind the German firing
line, in comfortable ease and security,
there would be three people, Major
von Thingummy, O.C. the howitzer
battery; Lieut. Fritz, and Sub-Officer
No. 9999, one of the strong silent sort
with an undue sense of his own import-
ance. The Major, fat and spectacled,
would be sitting at his dug-out door,
reading his evening paper and cursing
himself for ever having invested his
money in the Hamburg-Amerika line ;
the Sub-Officer would be polishing his
buttons preparatory to firing his sal-
voes ; Fritz would lie fussing round the
guns generally, preventing the men
from doing their work. At 5.55 P.M.
precisely, Fritz and the Sub-Officer
would fall in, dress by the left, march
some few paces to the Major's dug-out,
salute, dress by the right, and stand to
attention, waiting orders. The Major,
having finished the last page of his
paper, would turn over the leaves and
start again at the beginning, a .way
which soldiers at the Front have with
their newspapers.
After an interval, '.' How many rounds
shall we fire to-night, Sir?" Fritz
would ask deferentially. The Major
would go on reading ; Fritz would clear
bis throat ; the Sub-Officer would stand
to more attention than ever. " How
many rounds shall we fire to-night,
Sir?" Fritz would repeat in a slightly
louder voice.
" No, thanks . . . yes, please," the
Major would say inconsequently, not
taking his eyes off his paper. There
would be a tense pause ; eventually the
Major would put his paper across his
knees and, closing his eyes, would settle
himself down to his preprandial nap.
Fritz and the Sub-Officer would stand
it as long as they could, but- when the
Major began to snore their patience
would give out, and, saluting very
ironically, they would depart to do their
tiring on their own. Looking very
solemn and fierce about it, they would
loose off their dozen rounds, doing no
more harm, if they did but know it,
than to inflict a nasty gash on a not
very important sand-bag.
The noise would wake the Major,
who would summon Fritz and the Sub-
Officer to him. "By the way," he
would say, " isn't it about time for our
evening splash ? You 'd better loose
off the guns . . . not that I believe we
ever hit anything, but war is war and
we must be Frightful."
"The guns have been fired, Sir,"
Fritz would say.
"Then fire them again, my lad."
"But we have fired twelve rounds,
Sir, and scored several direct hits."
" Then make it a baker's dozen and
give 'em another for luck," the Major
would say, smiling outwardly, but being
inwardly a little tired of Fritz and the
Sub-Officer and their direct hits.
" What at, Sir ? " Fritz would ask.
"Any old thing," the Major would
say, starting once more on the evening
news, and because (and only because)
orders are orders, the pair of them
would go away, stuff a shell hastily
into one of the guns, let it off without
taking any aim at all to speak of ...
And that would be the shell about
which I am making all this fuss ! . . .
I should have said that my cap and
waterproof coat were hanging just out-
side my dug-out. The cap was pierced
in several places, the coat torn to
ribbons. The cap I now loan (at a
price) to officers going home on leave
who desire to create a sensation. " My
dear boy," their relatives ask, " what-
ever made those holes in that cap?"
The officer assumes an air of indif-
ference. "A shell," says he truly, and
adds hastily, " hut let us talk of some-
thing else." The ccat I have returned
to the makers, Messrs. Burding, with
the following note : — " Sirs, — This coat
having come, as you see, to a sudden
end, but myself being happily still with
you, I ask the sordid question, who is
going to bear the expense of replacing
it? Four names suggest themselves —
(1) Henry — a non-starter.
(2) The, British Government might,
but would take a twelvemonth making
up their minds, during which time it
might start raining again.
(3) The German , Government ought
to, but probably haven't the money.
Anyhow I can't ask, because we are not
on speaking terms.
(4) Messrs. Burding oughtn't to, but
if they liked to try I 'm sure neither
(3), (2) nor (1) would stand in their
way . . .
With my men, whom by the way I
met coming to look for me with an
entrenching tool, you will be glad to
hear that all is well. They have, how-
ever, relapsed into their old vice of
digging, night and day, in out-of-battle
hours. Sometimes it is ten men with
ten spades, sometimes a hundred men
with fifty picks and fifty shovels, some-
times even more. This has inspired
my platoon poet to a further effort : —
" If all the troops with all the tools
Should dig for half-a-ycar,
Do you suppose," our Captain asked,
' ' That then we should be clear ? ' '
" I doubt it," said the Adjutant,
Knowing his Brigadier.
Yours ever,
HENRY.
JULY 28, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
'NOW, IN THE EVENT OF A FIRE BREAKING OUT, WHAT ARE YOU TO DO?"
•EIGHT. AND, IF I'M NOT TO BE FOUND, WHAT THEN?"
" RUN AND FIND you, SIR.
"PCT OUT THE FIRE, SlH.'
ON THE SPY-TRAIL.
IX.
Jimmy says the War lias come quite
close to his house ; ifc 's the Volunteer
Training Corps, and they drill in a field
at the bottom of Jimmy's garden. The
milkman is mixed up in it, Jimmy
says, and it was through watching the
way he did it that Jimmy's bloodhound,
Faithful, caught another German spy.
The milkman told Jimmy that some
of them found it very complicated, but
to him it was a mere fleabite in the
ocean, as you might say. Lots of
things are like that to Faithful, Jimmy
says, tilings which would make other
bloodhounds worry themselves a lot.
Jimmy says the milkman has twenty-
seven inches of his own to move in, and
an extra six or seven they give him on
either side, because of his activity.
The milkman takes off his jacket
and waistcoat to do it because it is so
hot and it helps his pores. Jimmy
says that the first time the sergeant
told the milkman to dress he went to
put his clothes on again, and what the
sergeant said made the milkman mark
time like anything.
Jimmy says the milkman is very
good at marking time, and it 's because
of his high action. The sergeant
doesn't admire it much, though, and
he told the milkman that when he
wanted him to do a clog dance he
would give the order.
Jimmy says the milkman likes " as-
you-were " best ; he is a good as-you-
werer, because when the sergeant gives
the command he hasn't got to do any-
thing except smile a welcome at the
others as they return to him— you see
the milkman teas all the time, that 's
why. The milkman is very quick like
that, Jimmy says.
You have to anticipate the word of
command by listening to the caution,
Jimmy says, and after the command the
milkman always laughs and shakes his
head and says, "I'm wrong, sargint,"
just like that ; " I 'm wrong, sargint,"
he says. He is a happy little soul, the
sergeant says.
Jimmy says the sergeant hasn't
known the milkman long, but he took
to him the very first night after they
had numbered off. The milkman had
said he was "No. 114, next to the post
office," and now the Serjeant talks to
him quite freely as if he had known
him all his life. He uses the milk-
man to demonstrate with ; he asked
1 him to show the others which was his
! right hand and which his left. You see
! he didn't know the milkman was left-
handed ; the milkman told the sergeant
he was born like that, and it all
depended on which arm you were
nursed on — he had a cousin like it, he
said. Jimmy says it is very nice to sit
on a fence and listen to the sergeant
giving the words of command ; the
sergeant shouts out, " Hip ! Hop ! ! "
and ever so many of them form fours,
but the milkman marks time, because
he is so very good at that, and he
believes in sticking to what you know.
Jimmy says the sergeant swears by
the milkman ; you can hear him doing
it. KITCHENER said that recruits want
six months at least, and Jimmy heard
the sergeant tell the milkman that he
deserved more and would get it if he
had his way.
Jimmy says that Faithful likes to see
the milkman on active service, and he
helped him to stalk a sheep. You see,
they had mislaid the milkman on the
right and told him to take an object to
= 90
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[Jur,Y 28, 1915.
Fond Mother. "ISN'T THE WAR DREADFUL? -AND so AWKWARD WHEN POOR DEAR SYLVIA is JUST COMING OUT."
march on. Jimmy says the milkman
fixed his eye on a sheep which was
standing there biting grass at him, and
Faithful helped him to track it down.
Jimmy says that sometimes the
sergeant gives the command, " Hip !
Hop ! by your right ! " and off they go.
Then he says, " No 3, rear rank, is out
of step," and the milkman kicks the
man in front of him hard on the back
of the calf and gets into step in no
time, and then the sergeant says, " No
talking in the ranks." The milkman
says war is a terrible thing.
Jimmy says they had a lovely time
one evening. It was when they had
formed fours and were doubling.
Jimmy says the milkman was in the
middle of the column ; you could tell
him by his high action, which made his
head bob up and down. They were
going hard at it, Jimmy says, when
the milkman suddenly bent down to
tie up his bootlace. The milkman is
very quick like that, Jimmy says ; he
doesn't like to lose any time. Every-
body who could fell over the milkman,
Jimmy says, and you should have heard
the sergeant Hip ! Hop !
- Jimmy says he could see that Faith-
ful liked this part of the manoeuvres,
and he waited for the milkman to do
it again ; but the milkman soon after-
wards put out his hand to talk to the
sergeant, and when he told the sergeant,
"I've burst me braces, sargint," the
sergeant let him go.
Jimmy says he doesn't think they
are going -to loose the milkman' at the
Germans yet, as he is not quite ready.
You see they haven't given him a rifle
and bayonet yet, and the man next to
the milkman says when they do he is
going home.
Jimmy says you could hear old Faith-
ful giving the words of command to
himself all that night, and when" he
took him out on the spy trail, nearly
the "first thing he did was to double
round a lawn and all over a kitchen
garden, taking his time from a cat,
which kept just a few feet ahead of him.
It doesn't take Faithful long to select
an object to march on, Jimmy says.
Jimmy says there was a man running
to the station in a hurry to" catch a
train; he had a bag in his hand and
didn't know there was a bloodhound
going through military manoeuvres,
and that he was just engaged in active
retreat before a heavy shower of flower-
pots.
Jimmy says Faithful came skidding
out and stopped right in front of the
man, not to tie up his bootlace, but to
scratch himself.
Jimmy says the man went an awful
whack, and banged the bag hard on the
ground as if he meant it. Jimmy says
Faithful immediately -mano3uvred over
a wall, and then everything began to
happen. The bag burst into flames and
the man danced about. The man tried
to explain to the people that it was a
box of fusees. They were very strong
fusees, Jimmy says, because they had a
flame two feet long.
"Bit windy where you come from,
guv'nor," a man said. Then someone
else said, "Looks like a bomb. Give
her a kick, Bill, and see if she '11 go off."
Jimmy says the man seemed in a
hurry to oatch his train, because he
upset a little girl who was pushing to
get to the front to see the bomb go off.
Jimmy says it was one of these
things you put in a factory or a ware-
house, and then you see nice photo-
graphs in the papers showing you a
policeman guarding the ruins.
The milkman was very pleased when
Jimmy told him how Faithful had
copied some of his manceuvres. He
said he found that it came to him quite
natural like. All you had to remember
was to keep your feet at forty -five
degrees, and you could always tell by
the feel of them even without a ther-
mometer to go by.
PUNCH, OR THI3 LONDON CHARIVARI.-^TuLY 28, 1915.
A FRIEND IN NEED.
GERMANY. "WHO SAID 'GOD PUNISH ENGLAND 1'? GOD BLESS ENGLAND, WHO LETS
US HAVE THE SINEWS OF WAR."
JULY 28, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
(KXTHACTKD FUOM TUB UlAHY OP ToPY, M.P.)
House of Commons, Monday, July
. — In days when whist was played
there was in currency a decree " When
in doubt lead trumps." Adapted to-
day by succession of Governments,
Liberal and Coalition. " When in diffi-
culty play LLOYD GEORGE " is the
variant. It came into use early in his
career, which commenced at Board of
Trade. Since then it has governed
Ministerial action with increasing regu-
larity.
Difliculty of the hour is the strike
in South Wales, affecting 200,000
men and dangerously limiting supply
of fuel vital to the Fleet. RUNCIMAN,
in official position at Board of Trade,
has wrestled manfully with the diffi-
culty. His mediation baulked by a
a few men who, cleverly evading sub-
mission of case to the ballot, com-
manded the situation.
This watched from Germany with
grateful glee. Worth the loss of a colony
here and there. In some measure com-
pensates for clearance from the seas
of its cruisers, irresistible in attack
Another Leek in his Cap.
(Mr. LLOYD GEOKOE.)
upon unarmed merchantmen and un-
defended coast towns. German Press
makes no attempt to hide exultation at
discovery of this unexpected ally in
inner fortress of the enemy.
Deadlock reached this morning.
Prolonged, painstaking negotiations
between Board of Trade and South
Wales miners come to an end. Next
move will be sharp tussle between
the law and law - breakers. Cabinet
Council met at noon, with result com-
municated by EUNCIMAN in an aside
interpolated in speech on moving
Second Reading of Bill limiting price
of coal.
LLOYD GEORGE is going down to
Cardiff to talk to the men, not to-
morrow but this very evening.
General cheer welcomed news. PRE-
SIDENT OP BOARD OP TRADE, having
made his speech, excused himself from
sitting through discussion of the Bill.
Off to Cardiff by 6.10 P.M. train in
company with MINISTER OP MUNITIONS.
House agreed that on the whole this
more useful than listening to speeches.
pave him parting cheer for good luck
as he hurried off to catch his train.
Business done. — Coal Prices Bill read
second time. Lords' Bill advancing by
a week opportunity of killing grouse in
Scotland shelved.
Tuesday. — In half-empty House
PRIME MINISTER moved Vote of Credit
for 150 millions, third in current finan-
cial year. Instinctively adapting him-
self to circumstance he spoke in con-
versational manner. His voice so low
it seemed that here and there he
dropped an odd million or two. But
what were they among so many ?
Ominous feature in matter-of-fact
story is the regularity with which
expenditure outstrips Votes of Credit.
Estimated that 250 millions, voted on
1st of March, would cany on the War
until second week in July. By end of
June every penny was gone.
Some of them wasted on the loaves of
bread DALZIEL saw bobbing about on
the water when, one of a Committee of
Inspection, he visited big ship upon
which German prisoners were interned.
PUNCH, -OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JULY 28, 1915.
BEFORE THE WAR.
REVERSION TO TYPE.
FlKST WEEKS OF WiB.
BACK TO THE OLD FOBM.
Odd in view of almost passionate
injunction to economy addressed to
general public by Ministerial authori-
ties. Explanation offered simple if not
fully satisfactory. The thing, Member
for Kirkcaldy was told, happens every
day with regularity of rising or ebbing
tide. War Office insists upon sending
more bread than can possibly be used.
So it is chucked overboard.
That by the way.
When, moving one of the earlier
Votes of Credit, PREMIER named a daily
expenditure of three millions the House
gasped. Wonderful how, in imitation
of the eel in disciplinary circumstance,
we grow accustomed to the inevitable.
This estimate, like all others (including
the cost of bread), has been exceeded.
PREMIER now admitted that daily ex-
penditure " may be substantially more
than three millions." A Vote of 100
millions might reasonably be expected
to cany us on till end of September.
As a matter of precaution 150 millions
asked for. '
Business done. — Fresh Vote of Credit
heartily agreed to.
Wednesday. — The lead of trumps won
the game. LLOYD GEORGE back from
Cardiff this evening, bringing his
sheaves with him in form of settle-
ment of South Wales strike. A great
achievement adding fresh renown to
brilliant career. MINISTER OF MUNI-
TIONS is the last man to overlook, or
minimise, value of spade work done by ;
RUNCIMAK during last three weeks.
Telegrams from Cardiff received at
House make it clear that Welsh miners i
not disposed in that direction. At
meeting of delegates where settlement
was signed and sealed, PRESIDENT OF
BOARD OF TRADE met with ovation
second only in enthusiasm to that which
greeted MINISTER OF MUNITIONS.
Bather lively time with Questions.
TENNANT declined on public grounds to
answer one put by HIGHAM. HIGHAM
persisting, SPEAKER supported Minister,
and was rebuked by ARTHUR MARKHAM.
BYLES of Bradford, waking up to
knowledge that the country is at war,
assumed part of Little Wilhelmine. In-
vited PRIME MINISTER to state "what
they killed each other for ? " Old
Kaspar — -I beg his pardon ; I mean
the PREMIER — referred inquiring mind
to a speech delivered by himself at
Guildhall on Lord Mayor's Day, and
to other pronouncements made since
opening of the War.
Business done. — Colonial Office Vote
passed after interesting review of situa-
tion by COLONIAL MINISTER.
Tlnirsday. — In reply to Question
PRIME MINISTER gives particulars of
casualties in the Dardanelles. Of
men and officers killed, wounded and
missing the roll totals 42,434. This
to end of June, and here we are two-
thirds of the way through July, fighting
going on by day and by night. Figures
appalling. Exceed the total of casual-
ties suffered throughout long course
of the Boer War, which amounted to
38,156. And the campaign at the gate
of Constantinople, illuminated on sea
and land by the splendid courage of
Navy and Army, is in measurement but
a few fathoms' length in the far-flung
battle line. And the full tale of British
loss in the East and in the West forms
an item comparatively small in the con-
tinuous slaughter of French, Germans,
Russians, Austrians and Italians.
Never since wars began was there
such a holocaust. Since he ascended
the throne the KAISER'S highest ambi-
tion has been to excel NAPOLEON'S
record. When he has imdertaken
personal direction of events in the field
he has fallen infinitely short of his
JULY. 28, 1915.]
, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL
Captain. " HULLO, THERE, MURPHY! WHY ABE YOU GETTING ON so SLOWLY wrm THAT DUO-OUT I*
Private. "FAITH, CAPTAIN, THE HOOF IK THERE is THAT LOW I'VE aoi TO COME OUTSIDE AND swisa
IN AND HIT UT I "
PICK, AND THEN WALK
great exemplar. But in the matter of
wholesale slaughter and the infliction
of untold misery on mankind he has
the satisfaction of knowing he far ex-
ceeds the record of the earlier Scourge
of I ',11 rope.
Business done. — In Committee on
Price of Coal Bill.
"The Kotsman, in an indignant criticism
of the ignorant opposition to the Grouse
Bill . . ." — Krening News.
The Evening News, we believe, also
opposed the Grouse Bill, but that does
not justify it in insulting its Scottish
contemporary in this way.
"There are, nevertheless, the Bulgarians,
the Roumanians and the Greeks to be con-
sulcrcil, and lialkan monarchs cannot, like
William, say ' Sic valo sic jube.' "
The Newcastle Daily Chronicle.
WILLIAM of course is capable de tout,
but we are not surprised that such lan-
guage sticks in the throat of respectable
monarchs.
"Time is on our side. Men, money, and
munitions are ultimately on our side. Who
is there to deny that we cannot win? "
Dublin Daily Express.
Well, Mr. Punch does, for one.
A LEGEND OF THE RHINE.
(German bakers are noiv producing cakes
with "Gott strafe England" on them.)
YOUNG Heinrich at the age of ten,
An offspring of the Huns,
Joined manly hate of Englishmen
With childish love of buns ;
And so it filled him with delight
When bakeries divulged
A plan whereby these passions might
Be both at once indulged.
In fervent love of Fatherland
Young Heinrich swiftly brake
The patriotic dough nut and
The loyal currant cake ;
To guard his hate from growing less
Through joy at this repast
He saved — precocious thorough-
ness!—
The " strafe " bits till last.
Alack ! his well-intentioned cram
Cost little Heinrich dear ;
Disorder in the diaphragm
Concluded his career ;
To find out why he passed away
They bade the doctor come,
And "strafe England," so they say,
Was printed on his turn.
" On May 9th, during a heavy bombard-
ment, we exploded all the furnaces simul-
taneously, with the result that almost all the
barbed wire entanglements at Chevauz Defries
were destroyed." — Ceylon Times.
This place does not appear in our war-
map, but is probably in tho neighbour-
hood of Point d'Appui, whose capture
was recently announced.
From a sale advertisement : —
••FECKLESS REDUCTIONS.
Broad Stripe Pyjama Suits, Soft Material.
Sale price, 5s. 6d. per suit; 2 suits for 20s."
Glasgow Evening Times.
The advertiser must have thought the
prospective buyers rather soft material
too.
" A peacemaker here created a violent dis-
turbance in the front of the hall. He was in
evening dress, but a Socialist in khaki made
a run at him, seized him by the waist, and
begun to hustle him, kicking and struggling,
towards the doors." — Qlobe.
The peacemaker in the evening dress
appears to have mistaken his vocation.
" Red Setter Dog, 20 months, trained,
barks perfectly." — Irish Times.
Just the animal to put up the young
birds.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JULY 28, 1915.
THRIFT.
!T'S a pretty word, isn't it?" said Francesca, as she
rged from her morning paper.
" What 's a pretty word ? " I said.
"Oh, can't you guess?" she said. " Everybody 's talk-
i>out it. It's in'one syllable, you know, and it goes
with a regular snap."
" Yes," I said, " some words mr like that. You just
pronounce them fiercely and you get an idea that you 've
actually done them — I mean that you 've done the thing
the word means; you understand me, don't you? — and
later on you wake up and remember that you've only
pronounced it, and perhaps, after all, you haven't even pro-
nounced it right, and— you take my meaning, don't you ? "
" I 'm struggling," she said. " Many women would have
given it up, but I'm not one of that sort. I'm a born
wrestler. No, don't tell me. I 'm getting it. The light 's
beginning to dawn. What a thing it is to have a husband
whocan't explain himself. It keeps one's mind from rusting."
"Oh,. stop it," I said. "What's this pretty word of
yours, anyhow ? "
" Guess," she said. " It '11 be good for you."
" Munitions," I said quickly ; " Economy ; BOTHA ;
Explosives ; ASQUITH ; Subscriptions." I paiised for breath.
" All wrong. I told you it was in one syllable."
" So you did. Shells ; Coals ; Trench ; FRENCH ; Vosges ;
Eheims ; guns ; bombs. What, no nearer ? I give it up."
"You're not much of a trier," she said, "and your
vocabulary is painfully limited."
" Let me know the worst ; I insist on it."
" Well, then," she said, " it 's ' thrift.' "
" ' Thrift ' ? " I said. " Is that your wonderful word ? "
" I never said it was wonderful."
" No, but you led me to suppose it was wonderful."
" That 's because you "re one of those strong brave men
who must be led and can't be 'driven. Do you think I 've
lived with you for seventeen years without finding that
out ? "
" Francesca," I said, " is it really seventeen years ? It
has gone like a flash."
" Yes," she said, " it has been rather flashy. But there 's
Muriel, you know. She '11 be sixteen before you can turn
round."
" I don't want to turn round. I want to stay as I am.
It 'a these turnings round that do all the mischief."
" Hear, hear ! " she said. " But you can't prevent Muriel
from being sixteen."
" No," I said, " worse luck. And after that she '11 be
seventeen, and then eighteen, and she '11 have her hair up
and she '11 want to have new frocks ; and then Nina will
come along, and after her there '11 be Alice, and after Alice
there'll be Frederick, and they'll all be getting older all
the time and wanting to spend more money, and not know-
ing anything about the income-tax and the rates, and the
price of butcher's meat and all the other delightful things
that I 've got to think of from morning to night."
" Don't be a pessimist," she said. " They '11 turn out all
right. Who knows but they may help you to save money.
Sometimes children are like that."
" Yes," I said, " in books, and ours are not bookish
children."
" At any rate," she said, " we can teach them the mean-
ing of thrift."
" I don't think I like thrifty children," I said. " They
seem to be against nature. And, as for Frederick, he has
already confided to me that when he grows up he means to
spend all his income on silkworms. At present he has
only two, and their names are Herbert and Robert.
Herbert has already spun himself in, but Robert shows a
strange apathy, and no amount of mulberry leaves and
scoldings will tempt him to the great adventure. Frederick
is becoming very gloomy about it."
"Bless him ! " said Francesca
" All my sympathies," I said, "are with Robert. If I
were a sleek silkworm, with free rations and the range of
a cardboard box, nothing would induce mo to turn into a
helpless chrysalis."
" But you 'd want to be a moth, wouldn't you ? "
" I 'm not so sure about that," I said.
" You 'd have to be, you know, you wouldn't be asked."
" There you go again," I said. " You always shatter my
brightest visions. Why can't you let me dream I 'm a
perpetual silkworm ? '.:
" Adorable dreamer," she said, "let us talk about thrift."
" Oh, bother thrift," I said.
" Well, it 's a nice patriotic word, anyhow."
"Patriotic ? " I said. " How do you make that out? "
" No German could pronounce it, not if he tried ever so
bard."
" No, by Jove," I said, " nor he could."
" He would call it ' drift,' " she said.
" Or ' trift.' "
"Or -srift.'"
" And that shows," I said, " that the German is not so
dreadful after all. A man who wants to say ' thrift ' and
can't get any nearer to it than ' drift '-
"Or- srift.1"
"Or 'trift'- — well, he's only ridiculous, after all. We
shall polish him off all right, Francesca."
" Yes," she said. " But the Germans' ridiculous pro-
nunciation won't help us. We 've got to be thrifty."
" Or ' drifty,' " I said.
" And everybody else has got to be thrifty, too."
"Then that's all right," I said. "We shall all be in
the same boat."
" Good," she said ; " we '11 talk it over now."
"No," I said, "we won't. Let's do it naturally and
gracefully, without talking about it at all. I want a
cigarette, and I 'm not going to have one."
" And I," she said, "want a hat and I'll refrain from it."
" I '11 wager," I said, " you don't want your hat half as
much as I want my cigarette ; and, now that I think of
it, they 're paid for and I may just as well smoke them.
They 're old cigarettes, and yours would be a new hat."
" If you smoke that cigarette, I '11 buy that hat."
" That 's most unjust," I said.
" No," she said, " it 's most thrifty." R. C. L.
SUMMER AND SORROW.
BRIEB rose and woodbine flaunting by the wayside,
Field afoam with ox-eyes, crowfoot's flaming gold,
Poppies in the corn-rig, broom on every braeside,
Once again 'tis summer as in years of old —
Only in my bosom lags the winter's cold.
All among the woodland hyacinths are gleaming ;
0 the blue of heaven glinting through the trees !
Lapped in noonday languor Nature lies a-dreaming,
Lulled to rest by droning clover-haunting bees.
(Deeper dreams my dear love, slain beyond the seas.)
Lost against the sunlight happy larks are singing,
Lowly list their loved ones nestled in the plain ;
Bright about my pathway butterflies are winging,
Fair and fleet as moments mourned for now in vain —
In my eyes the shadow, at my heart the pain.
JULY 28, 1915.]
PUNCH, OK THK LONDON CHAR! VMM.
97
Near-sighted Old Lady (a keen Recruiter).
MAKK A NEW MAN OP HIM ! "
'NOW LOOK AT THAT YOUNG FELLOW. A COUPLE OP MONTHS IN THE AllMY WOULD
THE FOUNT OF INSPIRATION.
You ask me, Araminta, why my pen,
Whose airy efforts helped me once to win you,
Has, since you made me happiest of men,
Apparently resolved to discontinue
Its periodic flights
And steadily avoids the Muses' heights.
I too have wondered. Are connubial cares
Antipathetic to divine afflatus '?.
Ye1; many a bard has piped his liveliest airs
After surrendering his single status ;
Or can it be the War
That 's been and dried me up in every pore ?
Darkling I groped for light, but found no ray ;
Chill with despair,- 1 almost ceased to seek a
Way through the fog, when suddenly to-day
Like ARCHIMEDES I exclaimed, " Eureka ! "
I found indeed the path
This morning as I lay inside my bath.
For yesterday to rural scenes you fled
And left me, duty's slave, to desolation ;
To-day I sought my tub with measured tread
And spent an hour immersed in contemplation,
Just as I used to do
lire, yet in beauty side by side we grew.
No urgent call to breakfast broke my rest ;
Serene and snug I heard the quarters chiming,
And, as the brimming waters lapped my breast,
Almost unconsciously I started rhyming ;
Then through my mind it shot
That thus were all my master-works begot.
Straight from the slopes of Helicon the stream
Poured through the tap its music-making shower;
Each floating bubble held a precious gleam
Which grew to glory as a lyric flower ;
Idly I laved my curls,
And from the sponge there dropped a rain of pearls.
Therefore, when back you hasten to my side,
Place this, my love, among your resolutions —
Though eggs grow chill and bacon petrified,
Never to hustle me in my ablutions ;
And, to redeem your fault,
Order me several tins of Attic Salt.
For our Wounded.
Will those of Mr. Punch's readers who have a gramo-
phone to spare (or even not to spare) please send it to our
wounded in hospital ? Soldiers love a gramophone. Gifts
of instruments, or the money to buy them, should be
addressed to Mr. L. H. M. DICK, 15, Buckingham Street,
Strand, W.C. '
" GABHIKLLE (Norfolk). — We believe it is possible to graft eye-
lashes on lids which are devoid of those ornaments. The operation,
however, must be very painful, as the eyelid is sensitive. Many a
patient has gone to the oculist under the impression that his eyes
were paining him, when all the time it was the eyelid. We should
advise you to make up your mind to go through life without eyelids
rather than undergo excruciating pain. After all the majority of
people will never notice the defect." — Tit Sits.
Don't you believe it, " Gabrielle," but take Mr. Punch's
advice and hold on by your eyelids.
An old song adapted to Women-Workers : —
•• La donna <i mobilizzata."
98
PUNCH, OR THE 'LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JULY 28, 1915.
AT THE PLAY.
" ALL SCOTCH."
I IIAVK long held the heterodox view
that no people on this earth have 80
strong a sense of humour as the Scotch.
For the humourist must I HI judged not
only by his rapidity in seeing a joke,
but by the intensity of his receptive
p >\vers when (if ever) he does see it.
And it is in this latter gift that the
Scotch excel. Unhappily Mr. G RATTAN,
at the Apollo, would have us believe in
their possession of the former faculty, of
wliich their worst enemies would never
accuse them. v .In a rather diverting
scene between an Edinburgh man and
a Glasgow man, where each in turn
points out the more contemptible fea-
matter. And, speaking always as an
Englishman, I think it might have
been made more palatable by mixture
with a little "allaying Thames."
tures of the other's
must have let off
city, the
as many
author
as six
This
crashing repartees per minute,
frank defiance of statistical
records made all the other
improbabilities of the play
seem relatively credible.
In a private despatch (in-
tended for publication) Mr.
GRATTAN had forewarned me
that his work would contain
no " high - explosive topical
allusions," and I will grate-
fully admit, to his credit,' that
it bore no resemblance .to a
revue. It just consisted of a
few detached: episodes illus-
trative of Scottish .habits as i
they are, or as they .might!
be if popular traditions corre-
sponded with the facts. ' f
These episodes \vere not
uniformly ilattering to Cale-
don-la ; indeed there were moments
when I was well satisfied to' be
Englishman. Yet
Stands Scotland
O. S.
LITERARY FORECASTS.
[It is commonly predicted that the War
will effect a permanent change in our litera-
ture, but the following specimen, whose pub-
lication we are permitted to anticipate, shows
that we still have a literary genius who does
nel overhead, and an occasional shell
bursting near the ramparts and splat-
tering round muck — at intervals some-
one quite close to you crumpled up
pathetically — and, drowning it all, the
perpetual booming of our artillery pre-
paring for the attack . . . And then
there was Perkins— Perkins with his
red, oily face and little waxed hair-
dressery moustache, ostentatiously con-
cealing a greasy letter, and muttering
to himself in pure Cockney when he
, , . ' .*• j » tl • Uv 111111OU1L Jll L/tAXO WWf AUQ V VV 11CU 11C,
not propose to alter his methods for this or,, ,, , \ I-_A • IT
any other war.] thought anybody was listening, ludl-
I.— THE WORLD WAR.
(With acknowledgments to Mr. H. G.
WELLS.)
IT was all very curious and disgust-
ing, you know. Incredibly, even now,
v.oen I try to set down my impressions
of that day, my first in the firing-line,
it 's all the little, incidental, unmeaning
... - TACTLESS QUESTIONS.
Court Dentist (to Kaiser). "WiLL THE HOST OMNIPOTENT
TAKE GAS?" I
an
if you ask me,
where it did?.'
I will at once reply that I "have
allowed nothing • in this • play to
shift her by one inch from the place
she holds in my profound esteem.
Nay, I will confess that from time to
time I felt how my heart .would have
swelled with pride if I - had had the
right to wear one of those seductive
clan-tartans ; or tread tlie purple heather
of the admirable scenery with native
foot ; or claim, by kinship of race,
*,he privilege of communion with the
loneyed brogue of Miss JEAN AYLWIN
or of a glance from the glad eye of Miss
MARIE BLANCHE (how her very name
rings of the Highlands !).
In the despatch to which I have
alluded I was further forewarned that
All Scotch was "designed to cheer but
not inebriate." And in truth it was
not a very heady blend, yet to one who
has never yet faced "a'nicht wi' Burns"
an evening of All Scotch is no light
details that stick in my mind, jumbled
up with the jolly ^things that matter
enormously, in a queer, tangled sort of
way, it 's true, but quite disconcertingly
and preposterously, vivid for all that.
I want to give you the idea of ; those
main,- basic things, but if I tried to
unravel it all I dor\'t think I should-get
it right ; so I shall just jot everything
down inconsequently in the confused
order in which it comes, and trust that
it will -clear itself up in the process,
that the image I want to produce will
emerge more distinctly out of the
haze ....
Outstandingly, in the first place,
there was mud — mud and smells and
empty tins, and a queer, pungent,
wholly unsuitable and astonishingly
natural atmosphere of rough jesting —
topping, honest, garlicky stuff that
people like archdeacons affect to con-
sider coarse ; but very, very good for us.
Incidentally there was the noise —
sporadic, aimless little splutters of rifle
fire from the opposite trenches, the
melancholy whine of bullets and shrap-
crously sentimental and quite genuinely
affected by his own sentimentality.
One of his puttees had slipped down.
I caught that her name was Bertha.
I suppose I was horribly frightened.
One doesn't like admitting it in any
particular instance, though no reason-
able man would hesitate to^wn that
he probably would be in like circum-
stances, so long as they re-
mained hypothetical ; ' just as
i the class of people we call
respectable revel in going to
church and assuring the Al-
mighty, with or without musi-
cal accompaniment, according
to sect, that they are the most
despicable of reptiles defacing
the earth, but are apt to get
stuffy if on the way home you
accuse them of- snoring during
the sermon. --But' I .was too
busy watching myself in a
queerly deta,ched ;way_ for it
to matter much' — '-watching to
see how frightened I was
going to be, and wondering
whether I was any worse than
the others. And over it all,
you • know, there ' was a curious un-
reality, a sort of -glamour . . . One
realised that behind the muddling
and shuffling of the people who hide
their incompetence under officialdom
and call it diplomacy, in spite of the
stupidity and grooviness of the author-
ities, and the quite intolerable waste of
the whole business, there was some-
thing extraordinarily fine in it all ...
'/And then, quite suddenly, the inter-
vening space was dotted with funny
little khaki splotches, running wildly
and falling and jumping up and shoot-
ing and jabbing — I mechanically with
the rest ; at least I suppose I was. I
certainly no longer had time to be
frightened. I think I just lost my
head ; at home I should have liroken
crockery ; there I did my best to break
heads. Ridiculously, I chiefly remem-
ber trying not to squash some bluebells
— there was a little glade shimmering
with them in our path — and wondering
at Perkins. Perkins was having the
time of his life ; he won the V.C. And
we gained 123 yards . . : .
JULY 28, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAIMVAKI.
99
'• &
f
Artist (lo model he has just picked up in tlie street). "A MAN I HAD UP HERE THE OTHER DAY STOLE TWO POUNDS \VHKN j
WAS TURNED. WOULD YOU DO A THING LIKE THAT?" Model. "OH NO, SlR ; YOU SEE, I 'AVEN'T THE SPEED.
Y BACK
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)
MY private impression is that when Miss S. MACNAUGHTAN
had finished her latest book she found herself at something
of a loss for a title. And at last she may have fixed upon
Some Elderly People and Their Young Friends (SMITH,
ELDER) as the only one that described a story in which
character is everything and incidents never occur. Indeed
I foresee difficulties in the future, when, for example, one
neighbour at dinner asks, " Have you read Some Elderly
People, etc. ? " And the other, being uncertain, replies,
" Is that the book where they . . . ? " and can't go on,
because, as a fact, they do nothing whatever, any one of
them, except sit about and be charming. There are two
groups of characters : Miss Crawley, who was forty and
could remember crinolines in Scotland (this statement
drew a passionate protest from me till I was overcome by
evidence) ; her married sister, Mrs. Darling, and their two
admirers, Tom Beamish and Professor Macphcrson. These
are the elders. The young friends are Mrs. Darling's
daughters, Mr. Beamish' s niece, and their respective swains.
There is also a younger generation still, represented by
Master Ton:/ Darlinij, who is seven and passes a pre-
occupied existence in the sampling of patent foods and
systems of diet. And, as I say, there they all sit, prosper-
ous, happy, and very agreeable society — if you like Soutli
Kensington. The greatest event in the book is supplied by
Miss Crawlcy's renting of a desirable country house (with
beams and a jolly garden and glazed chintz furnishings),
whither the entire coterie remove themselves and are
politely bored till a really alarming indisposition of poor
Tony stirs the placid lovers to an emotional crisis in which
they engage themselves each to each. As was to be
done. A pleasant book, but, I am bound to add, somewhat
soporific in its placidity.
No doubt you remember Maria, that so successful
creation of Mrs. JOHN LANE. If so, you will be glad
to learn that in Maria Again (LANE) she bobs up as serene,
self-satisfied and suburbanly sophisticated as ever. Age
cannot wither her, though, to be quite honest, I did fancy
that custom had somewhat staled the effect of some of her
charm. Only some ; for the most part she is all and more
than all her old self. As before, it needs copious quotation to
do justice to her conversation, her comments and her general
attitude towards life. " I know it 's Wagner if the orchestra
makes an awful noise and the lights are put out, though
sometimes I wish they weren't, for there are bits in
Wagner when it 's a real rest to read the advertisements
in the programme." This comes in what I personally
thought the best chapter, a wholly delightful account of
a performance at Covent Garden, which I defy anyone
to read unmoved. Of course in real life one would
detest Maria for the very qualities that here make her
such entertaining company. Perhaps this is why Mrs.
LANE thought fit to pen a graceful little apology for her
revival under present conditions, in which she quotes a
true saying about the " duty of cheerfulness." Maria, as
recorded here — and especially as depicted in a delicious
drawing by Mr. LEWIS BAUMER — certainly makes that
duty considerably easier. And one can always console
100
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JULY 28, 1915.
oneself with the half-hearted belief that there are no Miss SHARP here as ever uses her art frankly as a weapon,
Marias left now ; and the sanguine hope that, if there are ! and it is quite possible that if (for example) you delight in
any such, there 'may always be a satirist as shrewd and her Pall Mall mood, the atmosphere of the Herald may
•• • • ••' ' " — »*- 1!--- find you indignant, not to say outraged, and the other way
about. Personally, I own that I enjoyed the author best
witty as Mrs. LANE to deal faithfully with them.
" Punch is the main tiling in life, without which I will
not even try to exist. If I were very poor, I would go
when she is least controversial. " The Wounded Tommy,"
which is simply a record of soldier character as seen in a
not even try to exist, n ± »eic >cij yUUi, ^ ..~~-. b" i
short of three pennyworth of food weekly rather than miss : French hospital, haunts one by its direct and unmanipu-
Punch " Thus and more, Miss BEATRICE CHASE, in her ; lated truth. It is, I may add, among the few studies in
new book, Through a Dartmoor Window (LONGMANS), and j which the Vote and the Female Problem are successfully
after it what can' Mr. Punch, that most gallant of gentle- j avoided.
men, do but bow, hand on heart, and return the compliment ?
As a matter of fact, no one of those who were delighted , Perhaps you know Mr. HORACE HUTCHINSON'S pleasant
with this writer's former book, The Heart of the Moor, will i formula. A very slender plot, a sense of fresh air and
need any introduction to another moorland volume from comradeship with bird and beast, characterisation not too
the same pen. Miss CHASE writes with the fervour of a ! laboured or precise, the frankest tangents and parentheses
true devotee. Every real lover is worth hearing about the j (an argument here, a lecture there), a faint, judicious
beloved (though I am aware that there exists a prejudice > flavour of the classics — rather a naive and easy-going sort
to the contrary), and it is the same with Miss CHASE when ' of scheme, escaping on the one hand any too rigid severity
•>_ i __ p i • , • -i • - i • i
she writes about Dart-
'moor. She has an in-
timate and sympathetic
knowledge of her subject !
which enables her to
transfer its charm to paper
with unusual success,
though her attitude of
mind may demand some
slight allowances on the
reader's part. Miss
CHASE'S Dartmoor geese
are swans to the last bird ;
and when, for example,
she depicts herself and her
mother (whom I somehow
wish she would not call
The Rainbow Maker) as
weeping at the departure
of the workmen who had
been rebuilding their
house, I could not but feel
that her experience had
; been not so much unusual
as unique. But one must
take these lovers as one finds them ; the good qualities of
the book more than counterbalance a little amiable ex-
aggeration. It is so full of the clean, heather- scented air
of the moor, of wind and sunshine and wide spaces, that
to lose oneself in it is a holiday for the heart. Personally,
reading it over tea, I wondered discontentedly at the
'i • •»-» *
The Sand Sculptor (to enquiring Visitor). "I'M MOSTLY SELF-TAUGHT,
SIR. BUT I MUST ADMIT I GO TO LONDON NOW AND AGAIN AND SPEND
A DAT IN TRAFALGAR SQUARE FOR INSPIRATION. I OWE A GREAT DEAL
TO SIR EDWIN LANDSEER."
absence of Devonshire cream,
atmosphere can do.
That shows you what
Miss EVELYN SHARP, whose work I have admired ever
since the days of the old Yellmv Book, has collected sundry
of her later sketches into a volume, and called it The War
of All the Ages (SiDowicK AND JACKSON). There is, I fancy,
something more in that title than meets the eye. I should
be astonished to hear that it refers chiefly to the battlefields
of Europe, though there are soldiers in plenty throughout
the book. As for the sketches themselves, you perhaps
know already the skill and the caustic, almost brutal, frank-
ness that may be expected in the telling of them. Perhaps,
though, as a friendly warning, I might call your attention
to the acknowledgment of leave to reprint, from which you
will learn that the contents of the volume have previously
appeared in such diverse publications as The Manchester
Guardian, Pall Mall Gazette, Herald, Votes for Women and
Morning Leader. This warning is the more needed since
of artistic discipline, and
on the other avoiding
fatuity. And, as I say,
quite pleasant. In The
Faun and the Philosopher
(HUTCHINSON) the Faun
is a camper-out of colonial
extraction, and with de-
formed ears so pronounced
that they are likely, he
thinks, to present a diffi-
culty in courtship, a diffi-
culty, by the way, which
is shirked by the author.
I think myself that, had
I been the beautiful and
sensible Mary I shouldn't
have minded his pointed
ears, covered as they were
with serviceable wavy
curls, half so much as his
deplorable habit of hand-
ing you out a copy of
verses on all possible and
some impossible occa-
sions. It is a habit that would not have tended to endear
itself by constant repetition.
If your appetite for War-matter is unsated by facts and
you feel inclined to take it in the supplementary form of
fiction, I can vouch that Mr. DOUGLAS SLADEN in His
German Wife (HUTCHINSON) has catered for you up to, and
possibly beyond, your powers of absorption. Granted the
mood to enjoy a novel based upon the War, this ought to be
your book ; but if you are in no such mood — as I am not —
I advise you to pass it by on the other side. Mr. SLADEN
has indeed worked the War for all it is worth, but how-
ever violently some people, with or without reason, have"
suffered from the spy mania, I protest that the treatment
here accorded to Captain Isherwood' s German bride is too
paltry for belief. In a note " To the Reader " Mr. SLADEN
states that, " though its action is chiefly after the outbreak
of the war, and though it has its tragedies, His German
Wife is in the main a love story, enlivened with ironies."
My ti-ouble was that the ironies entered into my soul, and
left me far from lively.
"Here we are Again."
"CLOWNS IN STOCK. Low prices for quantities. — Clown Works,
Byre-lane, Gateshead-on-Tyne." — North Wales Weekly News.
AI-CVST 4, 1915.]
•', I;
PUNCH, OR TJIKJ IU>NI><>X CIIAKIYARI.
101
CHARIVARIA.
. :"Suli-ie']iient to the publication i>l
the Note to Germany," says a eon-
temporary, " it became known that
President Wilson hud asked for reports
on tlie subject of national defence to be
made to him personally by the deads
of the War and Navy Departments."
This type of -official seems somehow
familiar to us. * .;.
.
The Yaqui Indians hi the Mexican
province of Sonora, a cable informs us,
have declared war on . Mexico, the
United States, and Germany. Austria
and Turkey, it is said, have informed
Germany that sin; can rely on their
help should it be required.
Patents have been granted in Wash-
ington for an awhil torpjedo
boat which is designed to
awoop down on war-ships
.in land-lock»d harbours ftlul
lire a torpedo at .a. distance
of five 'miles. We' under-
stand that tho iirst, of these
'boats which is constructed
is to be called "The'lGee-
Whixz." .1 ,,
'
Lord KISIIKK'S new: de-
partment' is evidently •frjaic-
, hig£ood prygj-oss. 1'YonJ an
Admiralty a.iinounee.(iiefit
•Mse Jeamtlmti tlio ISoahjl t>f
Inventions 'and, -BesQ^r^h
has felt justified in remov-
ing to Victory House, Cock-
spur Street, S.W.
. *. '*•
Vt* ^ ** •
We are in a, p.ositioln: to 'dcriy; the
report that, when the PitiNcr. OP'WALES,
the. other day. attended ja-Jconcert given
by tlie iion-coiniiiissionexi oHi(iers.pf Jibe
Guards' Brigade at tl»e Front and
joined in singing the Marseillaise and
the National -Anthemi the rest of the
audience, out of respect-for His ROYAL
HIOHWESS, followed on a. bar behind
him." "Snob-Press, please. copy..
suppose this
to no '
Accordihg t o
sterdam, some
beMer than being true
a: nessage from Am-
Alli.-d airmba recently-
dropped a boirjb 6» the- hou8er''in the
neighbourhoo^; of Jjrussels where Ger-
man astronomy •» y\>rk out tho meteor-
logical conditi( nsi for the ijeppeliris.
Not only were' i; ijnjmber of : costly in-
struments ent|r slyj destroyed,; but some
of the d(jar oMl, asjt^onomers had their
pectacfebrot.rt.M
i '- * ;;j
"One of tha mjsst arresting details
in connection with the season's wrap
coats," we read, " is the prevalence of
pockets.1' /::It'isi vHai'iidterjstio of the.
unpractical 'nuliiV^ 'of the mystics who
arp responsible for women's fashions
,1j.' . iii.'k -, -,
are responsible for women s fashions nated from' the Treasury. Whip
that Ibis ivforim should bo introduced
Our Greatest War Lord.
From The Westminster Gazette:—
'• \'(>S MACK!-:*!?!-:* Hlll.li I i'.
:V C11ECKKU IN ATTKillT TO AU'
1HOJT THE N»IU.» .
TlIAJiKS-TO Loitli 1I.M.IMM-."
ti it IMI DI-KK Xu'iioh.ix (to Ina.Chief
0j[.St(i*tf). Is our little father HAUMNE
present '.'
Chief nf Xtd_ff. Yes, Excellency.
<!it.i.\i> l>i'Ki-: XicHoi/As. Then let
the battle begin.
. - - •
From an article on Thrift: —
" \Vluit we wuut most as ;i people i.s to get
a fresh grip of the old homely adage : 'Take
care of tho fence, and the hounds will take
care of themselves.1 "—r
Sketch.
This excellent advice niust have ema-
. • •
THE TERROR OF THE
Worthy British Matron. " YOI-SG MAN, now
UNLISTED?" I
IS/'.IT YOU
The latest theory — and a very credi-
ble one — about the Angels who are
said to have boon seen at Mons is that
they were Hospital Nurses.
#
The Austrian Government, the
Vienna Frer&denblatt tells us, has re-
fused to accept the German proposal
.pf a Customs Union. Frankly, we are
not surprised at this. Some of the
German customs are so beastly that
we do not mind how old a joke we make
about them. ... ...
" Germany must be true to herself,"
say.s the J>entxeht'. T<ii/ewitui><i. We
at a time when people have nothljug to
put into their pockets.
A telegram from Philadelphia "states
feliat JMr. .1. WANAMAKEK Iras proposed
that the United States' "should raise
to purchase
.
the freedom of Belgium. The German
GBOHVN , i'KixCjE, is -said to favour -the
proposal, sv^easjng: that he and PASA
sboufd share ; the-, sum, PAPA- .taking
only one-third, as he has made so much
already out of Knurr's.
Extract
Orders :—
from jSo.uthern Command
"All mules on joibing units will in future
he malleined." , n •
The last word relates, we believe, to
inoculation against glanders, but the
correspondent who sends us the extract
is evidently better acquainted with
mules than with* veterinary termino-
logy, for he writes, "Personally I do
not believe tliat it; is possible to malign
a mule."
'.A« advertisement in a Grr-
inan iu-ws]ia[>cr for a govi'rnr:,,
who. speaks fluent Crennaa is.
the. basis of a violent attack by*
'the Coloijnf Cazelte on the lack,
'of patriotism among German
.wometi. ''Whoever has lived
Jong r n on ^1 > . am! ] M.kc 1 r nl ml
enough,' says the semi-ofticial
•newspapeii, ' will never wpnder
at anything German women
i.1 " — Sunday 1'apcr.
fMost of, the Gennans we
;have ' met looked roiind
enough, but \ve' never
Iheam even the!' least cor-
[puleht express •surprise '-'at
ja woman speaking her own
language with fluency.
"The discipline of the young
German recruits is not veryl
good, and many mild punish-
ments urcs.in licted. It is reported that some
twenty sijdfcrs have been executed at St.
Peter's B^racks." — Bris'.ol Timts and ihrror.
Really s^vdre steps will be taken, we
understand;, if the insubordination con-
tinues, i
"A poultry export, who has been giving his
thoughts to. tin- pry-Mem of how to red i
pcuditurc'has conceived the idea of a hiin-run
in every l«ek yard in our far-flung city.'.' ;
ScottisK Evening I'aper.
A Htm-r.un in every yard of fhe far-
flung battle-line would be even hotter.
"Sir Robert Roe, senior M.P. for IVrl.y,
was knocked down by a horse in Wardour,
Street, London, on Tuesday. He was recovered,
from a somewhat alarming position, and
though somewhat dazed and bruised he was'
little the worse for the mishap. Sir Thomas
is now almott in hi-, usual health again."
Irish Independent.
Congratulations to Sir ROBERT (or Sir
THOMAS) on having escaped with a
merely nominal injury.
" YARNS for Soldiers' Comforts will be
greatly wanted in the Autumn."
Morning Paper.
Perhaps Mr. KIPLING will oblige.
voi,. cxi.ir. ;:
-J-H rt
*•;
102
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AUGUST 4, 1915.
THE WAYSIDE CALVARY.
AUCIUST 4m, 1915.
Now with the full year Memory holds her tryst,
Heavy with such a tale of hitter loss
As never Earth has suffered since the Christ
Hung for us on the Cross.
If God, O KAISER, makes the vision plain ;
(lives you on some lone Calvary to see
The Man of Sorrows Who endured the pain
And died to set us free —
How will you face beneath its crown of thorn
That figure stark against the smoking skies,
The arms outstretched, the sacred head forlorn,
And those reproachful eyes?
How dare confront the false quest with the true?
Or think what gulfs between the ideals lie
Of Him Who died that men might live — and you
Who live that men may die?
Ah, turn your eyes away ; He reads your heart ;
Pass on and, having done your work abhorred,
Join hands with JUDAS in his place apart,
You who betrayed your Lord. 0. S.
UNWRITTEN LETTERS TO THE KAISER.
No. XXV.
(From KINO PETER OF SERBIA).
SIR, — Between you and me there cannot, I suppose, be
any comparison. You have great possessions ; I am but a
poor man. You are vigorous and age has not yet set its
mark upon you ; I am broken by sickness and am bowed
down by years. You command the allegiance and the
resources of a great and mighty Empire ; I am the chief of
a race of peasant folk living a life of toil and hardship in a
corner of Europe. In every point of wealth, power and
comfort you seem to have' the advantage so manifestly on
your side that your superiority over me cannot ba brought
into controversy or doubt. Yet, when I reflect, I feel
bound to tell you that, old and poor and broken as I am, I
would not for all your riches and all your power and all
the adulation of the parasites who surround you and
acclaim your Olympian magnificence, change years and
stations with you and be even as you are now.
You will not understand this. Whether you sit at home
in state or parade abroad amid the pomp and glitter of
arms, wherever, in fact, you are and in whatever character
you choose to appear, you seem to yourself so gloriously
and so indisputably the centre of the universe that you
cannot imagine how those who behold you or hear of your
deeds can refrain from praise and envy. " Here," you say
to yourself, "is a being selected by the Almighty for the
happiness of mankind. Let mankind realise his splendour
and his virtues and submit themselves humbly to him, lest
they be shattered against the iron wall of his might. Un-
questioning obedience is the highest merit when there is a
man fitted to receive it. Can any man be fitter than he
who reigns under Divine authority as German Emperor? "
Thus you address and persuade yourself, now posing as the
stern father of your country, now as the ruthless and
immitigable autocrat prepared to trample down his own
and other people and to hack his way through justice and
civilisation to the enforcement of his will on those who
have rashly presumed to withstand him.
, When Austria sent her legions against us and overran our
Country, leaving a track of fire and devastation behind her
to mark the stages of her progress, we were steeled to resist
her by the knowledge that we were also fighting against
you ; and when, by a marvellous achievement of Serbian
discipline and valour, we had hurled her forces hack and
scoured Serbia clean of them, we rejoiced all the more be-
cause our efforts had struck a deadly blow at your arrogance
as well. 1 liid it not been for you Austria would have paused
on the brink of war and might have recoiled from it alto-
gether, but your policy would thus, you thought, have
suffered a rebuff, and therefore you cast your vote for blood-
shed and plunged the nations into the horrors in which they
are still struggling. Some day history will record her verdict
— not certainly by the pens of German professors — and you
among the rest will receive the allotment of responsibility
that belongs to you. Nothing you now do can affect this,
for when the verdict is uttered your unquiet spirit will long
have ceased to trouble the world, and those who gave you
the incense of their flattery will also have submitted to
silence. How will your memory stand then ? Is it not
possible, nay, is it not certain that in that great day of
revelation and judgment you will be recognised as the one
man who might have saved the world from blood and tears,
and refused so to save it because his vanity had suffered a
hurt ?
So far Serbia has been able to defend herself with success.
She is determined to do her utmost in the future, because,
poor as she is and small as are her resources, she has a
burning love for freedom and a bitter hatred of oppression.
Germany and Austria may do their worst. They will find
our people ready both to fight and to endure. Great
material forces are against us, but we shall oppose them in
proud reliance on the justice of our cause and on those
great spiritual forces which have more than once turned
weakness to strength and have beaten tyranny down into
the dust. Receive, Sir, this my salutation,
PETEB OF SERBIA.
OUR WILLING WORKEES.
THANKS to the intelligent anticipation of a clairvoyant
member of his staff, Mr. Punch is enabled to forestall the
answers which, under the new system of National Regis-
tration, certain prominent public men are about to return
to the question : What work they are prepared to undertake
in addition to their present occupations ?—
MR. WINSTON CHURCHILL. — Would willingly undertake
the work of any State Department, Admiralty preferred.
In that case would prefer to go to the Peers with the
title of Lord Dardanelson.
LORD X. — Ready to attack all Ministers in the Coalition
Government in rotation.
MR. RAMSAY MACDONALD. — Would undertake to serve
as shikari for tiger-shooting parties at the Zoo.
LORD DUNRAVEN. — Would act as literary agent for the
supply of additional verses to the " National Anthem."
SIR HENRY DALZIEL. — Prepared to stay on and talk in
the House during the vacation if he can get the charwoman
to listen to him.
No Use for Mounted Infantry.
" WoiiAN CARETAKER. Mother and daughter preferred. No young
children on animals." — The Bath Herald.
Another Impending A-ology.
Underneath a photograph in Sunday Pictorial: —
"The Countess of , one of the most charming women in the
social world, sets no limit to the amount of her work for war
charities. She is sometimes to be seen lunching with friends at the
Carlton."
PUNCH. OH THE LONDON CHAK1VAKJ.— AUGUST 4, 1915.
BY WAY OF A CHANGE.
UNCLE SAM. " GUESS I 'M ABOUT THROUGH WITH LETTER- WRITING."
104
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AUGUST 4; 1915.
LITERARY FORECASTS.
fit is commonly predicted th;it the Wai-
will effivt ii permanent change in our litcra-
tnre, Init the following specimen, wliose pub-
lication we are permitted to anticipate, shows
that we still have a. literary genius who (loos
not propose to alter his methods for this or
any other war.]
TIIK MOAN OF THE Hn.i.s.
i (A Flay in One Art, composed fot the
Irish Players.);' •
DBAMATIS PKHSON.E (INY THE OBDKU
IN WHICH THEY AI'l'R.Ut) '.
Itrtilw't O'Farrell (Herself )'•;•
SeiLiu/ttx O'Farrell (Himself);
MicjMelQ'Farrell(Hjf%^f'sFathtfy
A Stranger. A Goat. A Policeman.
Scene— The O'Farrells' cottage near
Hallysmuttan, Co. Wicklpw. They
are at tea,
Herself {rising and leaning nut of
the door). There's rain in the sky and
there's rain on the hills', and there
does be rain ju.jny heart this night,
Seumas O'Farrell." ;,. . •
Himself (absent-mi mlalty). I>o ye
;mind that ? Is it four spoons of sugar
or five ye 're afther putting in 'my tea?
Michael O'Farrell. It's a, ham thing
surely to be poor.
Herself (petulantly}. I said, there
'does be rain in my heart this night,
Seumas O'Farrell.
Himself. What makes ye think that
'same at all ? (Herself makes no answer
bnt~ifazaragain out on the "moor.JF'Mebbe
(lie bites) ye 'd betther (he drinks) dhraw
close in to the fire if that 's the way ye
are. (She does not stir.) Is it Yio sinse
ye IVave in ye at all, -woman'? Sure
^wasn't there Patsy Mulligan up the
'glen, him with the two eyes crooked
iOn him-,-tne way the wan would "be
looking -at your head, and the other
>w»n weald be -looking at your feet, and
tyou not knowing which the divil ye 'd
be minding — wasn't there Patsy Mulli-
gan, I tell ye, who died and thedocthor
Jrom • Blessington- said -be- had wather
on the — (scratches his head.) I mis-
rimimber' no^y rightly . where the.
Iwather was, but it might aisy baye,
been the heart. I nearly did be saying
on the brain, but sure Patsy niver. had
wan, and even a docthor 'd know that,
wanst he clapped the eyes on him. He
died anyway, I 'm telling ye, and him
letting the queer talk out of him and
screeching something dreadful, with
the sthrange curses that 'd shear a flock
of sheep ; and, be the same token, if it
wasn't himself stole the ewe on me
come Michaelmas twelvemonth it 's no
bad scran to him I 'm wishing.
Herself (dreamily). I mind Patsy. '
BmttlfterowliMfft. Ye may say that !
It 's too well ye minded him at all, and
if it wasn't for that blessed wather he
might have been stealing more than
the ewe on me.
Herself. Will ye hold your whisht?
Michael 0' Fart-ell. It 's a hard thing
surely to bo poor.
[Herself comes in and kneels It/the
fire, leaving the. ttiji half of the door
open. The Stranger appears out-
side.
Stranger. The holy Saints be with
y<>, lady and master of the house'!
Herself and Himself (toijcther, now
in. their clement'). Welcome kindly,
Sthranger. {He enters.
Himself. Will ye sit ye down by the
fire, Sthranger, and Herself will give
you a cup o' tea.
Michael 0' Fan-ell. It 's a hard thing
surely to be poor.
Stranger. That 's a thrue word ye 're
saying. Thank ye kindly, master of
the house, (He sits, talcts the tea and
looks at it. thoughtfully)^. 'It 's a far
way I do he afther coming, and it 's a
hard road, so it is.
Herself. Would ye not be taking a
dhrop 6f the stuff, Mr. Honey?
Stranger. It 's yourself has the
good heart, lady of the house. (He-
puts away the tea with .alacrity and
gulps the .whisky she (jives him.) May
the holy Saints preserve ye from the
things I 'm aftlier seeing !
Herself. It 's the terrible wild day it
is surely. Is it from Lacken ye are?
Stranger (hurt). Wasn't I telling
ye it was a far way I did be coming,
lady of the hou.se? '
Herself (awed). Was it iver from the
Churches ye came, and the '-wind and
the rain moaning, through- the heather,
and the hills crying out like hurt things,
the way they minded me of our sheep
that got the staggers last -Midsummer ?
Himself (spitting contemptuously).
It 's the fine talk. ye have 1
Michael- O'Furrell; It's a hard thing
surely to be poor. '
Stranger (complacently). It 's a
farther way than that.. same, lady of
the. house. ; ,
Himself. Where.is it ye '.re from ?
Stranger (impressively). It's from
the War I am.
Herself. Which way 's that at all?
Stranger. In Flanders.
Himself. There 's no place that name
in County Wicklow. Is it Bathdrum
ye 're thinking of ? Torn Shaughnessy
was telling me at the Fair at Lacken
there was throuble there with the
agent when the boys had the dhrink
taken on them. It 's the wide-thra veiled
man Tom Shaughnessy is !
Stranger. It is not, then. It 's the
big War 1 'm talking of, over the seas,
where there do be more men than at
all the fairs in County Wicklow, and
they all fighting and firing their guns
with the big shells, ploughing up hills
tha't ye wouldn't hardly cross in a day's
march, and rivers of blood, where all
the great ships in Dublin harbour
might he sailing abreast.
Jlerxelf. It 's the beautiful talk ye
have entirely, Sthranger, I suppose
now (looking at him with reverence)
ye 'd have killed a man?
Stninger (with relish), Ye may say
that! Sure, .wasn't I shootiiig them
be the thousand and making _ mighty
tosses with them on me wetted baynit,
like ye 'd toss hay on a fork, and the
German KAISER amongst them? And
the KING he came up. to me, and I was
nearly tossing him up too, I was t.hut
in the way of it, and he says, " Put it
I there, Tim my -boy," says he. . !',' It 's
i the fine lad intirely ye are," say* he,
'"and it's the Victoria Cross I'jcl be
giving ye,"- says he, "if it Vyerq i; 'good
enough."
[Stage darkens. Enter'Gont-.inj lime-
light, jumping over tlie lower half
of tht: door ; it advances to i-r.iitre.
Herself. Will ye shoo put of tliat, ye
ould divil, and not be intherrupting the
I beautiful talk. (Exit Goat.) It's the
terrible dhrought ye must have on ye
afther all that, Mr. Honey.
Stranger. Thank ye kindly, lady of
the house. (Drinks.) (Rising) It 's
on the way I '11 be going, and a far
way it is,, and a lonely wan.
Herself. It '11 not be a lonely wan,
Sthranger, for it 's jtueself '11 btj gqing.
with you. .
Stranger (visibly '(Harmed). What
way would ye be doing that at. alj, lady
oif the house? It's the fine' man yo
have, and the hard time I 'd be giving
ye, what with cursing and beating.
and —
Michael O'Farrell. It's a hard thing
surely to be poor.
Herself. It 's coming with j.ou any-
way I am, Sthranger, and seeirig you
do the fine things and hearing 'y6u 'gay '
the beautiful words.
[A knock, 'and a Policeman -enters
ifitliout waiting ,fjor. an anyivcr.
The Stranger huddles up I,;/ the
fire with his bacjc to him.
Policeman. Good day to ye, Seumas .
O'Farrell. Was there e'er a man, wan
Tim Murphy be name, passed this way?
(Seeing the ' Stranger, [.goes over and
turns him round.) IJimself,by the Holy!
Tim Murphy, I arrest you in the King's
name, and it's me duty to —
' Herself. What are ye saying at all '.'
Isn't it himself 's the great friend of
the KING'S, and him' making mighty
tosses with his wetted' baynit of the
Germans?
Policeman. Is it Germans? Sure
it 's two itays only he's out of Kilmain-
ham jail, and it's- the day lie' robbed1
ACCI.ST -I, 1915.1
PUNCH, OR' THK LONDOX CIIAIMVAIM.
kT Jfv.'VlM . U* VA
•'^^^
/
,/ =~~ — , — /
i _: /
FTfi .V*.*.*-*.,* ,,.,- /
Energetic Bvckttrets. "HAVK A KI.AO, Sin? IJuv A FLAG', SIB?"
Niggardly Old Gentleman. "SEASON I.1'
, r
\ — r
\
I
. -
.
Martha Cassidy's till in Blessington,
and hor with tlie cold that bad on her
she couldn't shout for snce/.ing; and
it's buck (o tho station witlj me he's
going now.
Ili'i-fii'lf. It. 's with him I '11 be going
all'tlio ! same for the beautiful talk out
of him.
[Exeunt all but Himself and
Michael O'Farrell.
Michael 0' Van-ell. It's a hard tiling
surely to be poor.
GOVERTISEMENT.
the art of Government by
Advertisement).
IT seems, front the hoardings and
the sides of public buildings, not to
mention P.O. vans, that there is to be
a plague of 'posters imploring us to lend
o.v. to tho Government. In order that
tlie epidemic may run a vapid course
we suggest that the limit bo proceeded
to at once after the following fashion,
as already exploited for another end : —
'I'm; APPEAL IMPERATIVE. — Oleo-
gr.iphic portrait of Mr. McKuNNA,
looking stern. Index finger prominent.
'' It 's YOUR Money I Want ! "
THK APPEAL ROMANTIC.— " To the
Young. Women of England : Don't you
think that your best 'toy ought to put
five bob in the, ,W.ar Loan ? If -he hasn't
done so, is Jie .worthy of your love ? " '
THE APPEAL: TO SHAME.— " Eorty
.Years Hence,: what will your grand-
children say to you. as they clamber on
your -knee? 'Grandpapa,' they will
s|iy, 'how much did you give to the
Great Loan?" Will you hang your
head in sharaey or will you be able to
-answer witli head erect, 'I gave, fifteen
shillings • ? " • •
"You're proud of your pals-' in Hie
War Loan, of course; but what do
your pals think of you ? "•
" Be a real sport and shell out a
crown I "
THE APPEAL TO CONSCIENCE. — " Is
Your Conscience Clear? When you
take up the weekly pay envelope, when
you enter tho saloon bar, when you
stand in a queue at the picture palace
waiting for a fourpenny seat, does not
Conscience tell you where the money
ought to go ? "
THE APPEAL TO DUTY.- — " To House-
wives: Has your maid put 5s. in the
War Loan? Is it not your duty to urge
Irer to do so? And if she will not l>e
urged ought you not to dock 5s. off
her wages? "
"To ; Country Gmtlemen : Your,.
Cutlers and, gamekeepers are in tha
habit o£ receiving tips. It iayoijr duty
to intervene and invest those tips in,
the War Loan, Your country will
thank you,, and your servants, will
thank you."
; " To Business Men ; Have you con- i
sidered your duty towards your oflice-
l>oy? Should you not stimulate thrift
by paying him in War Loan vouchers ?
Make fcliis a condition of empldyriient.'4:
; THE APPEAL TO MATEKNTAL PRIDK.—
Wl^ite-haired motlier and twenty-year-
old son. " My lad, the. wa'y of duty is
hard. But I would riot have it said
that niij son' lumg back with five
shillings while the sons of other mothers
gave their tens and twenties."
TttE APPEAL FACKTIOIS.— " Plank
your five bob on the favourjte for the
Grand International Final 1 "
" Have a five-shilling shy at KAI- i-.u
BILL ! "
" Line up for the scrap, boys! Every
bob a bullet ! Every quid a bomb ! ''
But possibly the 'Government may
feel that, they have already illustrated
the method sufficiently before tire eyes,
of an astonished world.
106
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AUGUST 4, 1915.
THE ZEPPELIN BAG.
i the receptacle for our nearest and
i clearest, we must shield it from danger
AT the coming of the Zeppelins, ' by day as well as by night."
mother annc.imced that it was our duty : " I had fixed on the corner between
take steps" and her cautionary the oak chest and the Normandy cup-
zi-al Ininis with ever-increasing flame. l>oard," Mother said. "Papa's croco-
Kvery time that she takes her walks dile. bag will just fit in, and it is in the
abn iid she meets different friends, and direct route for the front door. No one
comes home to recount fresh "steps"
which it is our duty to imitate.
Mrs. A. has taken down a tea-basket
to the cellar.
Mrs. K lias placed buckets of water
all along the hall.
Mrs. ('. goes to heel in her
"Rings!" concluded Emily hastily,
twirling the diamond cluster on her
third finger. " So do I, and 1 've sewn
new pink ribbons on my dressing-gown
and bought the duckiest cap to match.
No one can say I am unprepared ! "
The Zeppelin hag is the
patent institution of Mrs. D.
It is a bag or portmanteau,
packed and strapped, and
placed in ^uch a position
tliat it can be seized with-
out delay, in the course of
a frenzied rush to the front
door. There is no difficulty
about the bag ; the trouble
comes in when you begin
to consider what to put
inside. The Mater's first
motherly idea was a comb,
a tooth-brush and a set of
warm underclothing foreach
member of the family, but
the suggestion fell flat. It
was felt that the Zeppelin
bag ought to be reserved
for personal treasures, representing, as
it were, the inmost sanctity of family
life.
" What about a few bottles of the
old port? " said Father.
" When one comes to the elemental
moments of life, one's sense of values
is altered," said Frederick, with a
sententiousness bred of the Oxford
Union and not yet dissipated by a life
in camp. " When I ask myself which
of my belongings I should most grieve
to leave behind, my thoughts instinc-
tively fly to my bath sponge ! He 's
such a fine big fellow ; I 've just
succeeded in knocking the grit out of
him and licking him into shape. . . .
Please book a place for my bath
sponge."
" And the Japanese plant," added
Florence with a gush. " The poor
lamb has only lived a hundred years.
Give him a chance to see the new
mip."
" Before I enter into the subject of
my best blouse," said Emily serieiisly,
"let me clearly understand where the
Zeppelin bag is to live. If it is- to be
could fail to see it."
" Suppose I wanted to go away for
a week?" objected Father, who is
attached to his crocodile bag.
" Suppose," said Frederick darkly,
" the bomb fell at the front door? "•
lint Mother had taken up the captive
our front lawn, and Mother's agitation
found vent in a dark and stealthy plot.
With the connivance of the garden hoy
she planned a false alarm, which should
test the agility of the household, in
preparation for the worst.
It was all meant for the best, but
when a rain of brick-bats comes clatter-
ing in through a bedroom window at
1 A.M. the startled sleeper is not
answerable for the consequences.
Emily lied, white-robed, into the night,
accompanied by such a tornado of
shrieks as brought the whole family
hurrying in her wake, to say nothing
pencil and was busily engaged in of eur neighbours at Highmead ;m<l
jotting notes on the back of an old j Mon Repos, and a tramp who had
envelope.
happened to be sleeping under the
Two bottles of port — Frederick's hedge. We propped Emily against
bath sponge — the Japanese plant — my the pergola and scanned the heavens
cookery book — Papa's smoking coat — for the flying monster, and the tramp
leapt on his clue with the
sharpness of genius.
im," he
The
You can't see
said; " 'e 's too high,
nise of his ingines woke me
up. Didn't 'arf buzz ! . . .
1 was running to warn
you . . ."
Father waved him away,
and we turned to cross-
question Emily.
" Was the bomb round
like an apple? If it was
round, we ought to go
down to the cellar and shut
all the windows and doors.
If it was like a pear, we
ought to fly for our lives.
At any moment the house
may blow up."
"Did you feel a strange, irritating
smell ? "
Emily sobbed and sniffed sweet briar,
and said she didn't know. She was
greatly upset.
Mrs. Legh suggested that we should
adjourn to Mon Repos and partake of
a service of coffee and cake. " A little
Zeppelin party! " she called it, with an
attempt at lightness ; but Mother said
firmly, " Not this evening ; some other
evening," and shooed us towards the
front door.
What precisely were her own feelings
in respect to the necessity of confession
we shall never know, for on tha thres-
hold retribution overtook her.
As compensation for problematical
services the tramp had helped himself
to his reward.
The Zeppelin bag had disappeared !
Seaside Landlady (to visitors wJto have just taken her apartments).
"AND IP THERE SHOULD BE AN AIB RAID I 'VE A BEAUTIFUL CELLAR.
BUT OF COURSE IT WOULD BE AN EXTHX."
Query — Emily's best blouse? . . . There
will still be a good deal of room ! "
At this moment the postman delivered
a missive from Septimus enclosing a
half-yearly report of a depressing na-
ture, and concluding with a scribbled
postscript. "By the by," he wrote,
" if a Zep comes along, you migkt
just rescue my trouseF-press."
* * * * •:••
The Zeppelin bag was placed in the
hall, with the trouser- press strapped
on its back, and enjoyed a peaceful
backwater sort of existence for several
weeks. Mother fed it regularly at
nights with knuckles of cold ham and
sandwiches of Gentleman's Relish (left
over from tea), which were destined to
restore our energies on the first halt of
our flight. Father contributed a box
of cigars, and on particularly Zeppeliny
nights Emily stole along the hall in
her dressing-gown and found a niche
for her best blouse. It seemed an
ominous coincidence that Frederick's
regiment should be transferred to
Aldershot on the very day that a
Zeppelin passed within two counties of
"To BAKF.RS. — Wanted Deliverer. Wages
28s. per week ; used to diving. — Apply Box
M34, Bath Office of this paper."
Jlath and Wilts Chronicle.
The Bath office certainly seems the
place for him.
AUOVST 4,' 1915.]
PUNCH, OH THE LONDON Oil A Id V A III.
107
Eminent Human Surgeon, wJto is also an ardent Suffragist (to wounded Guards:iuin). "Do you KNOW, XOOB FACE is BINGULARLT
FAMILIAR TO ME. I'VE BEEN TBTIKO TO REMEMBER WHERE WE'VE MET BEFORE."
Guardsman. " WKLI., MUM, BYGONES BE BYGONES. I WAS A POLICE CONSTABLE."
OUR NEIGHBOUR'S DUTY.
[" We have thought out such a splendid
way of national economy ; we are going to
give our maids less meat."]
SOME further opinions gathered hy
our Special Correspondent confirm the
impression that national economy is
now uppermost in people's minds : —
Samuel Stor/es, Esq. (M.P. for West
Soapshire}. — " You may state that I
have the matter of national economy
deeply at heart, and shall urge with all
tlio eloquence at my command that
wasteful expenditure by local councils
i>3 summarily forbidden. Unfortunately
it is impracticable that the emoluments
of Members of Parliament should bj
curtaili-d."
.1 Mi'inh.T of the L.C.C.— " There are
-is, which in the public interest
it is undesirable to divulge, why wo
should continue to employ what you
U-rm 'a liattalion of able-bodied men'
on the building of our new Conn •!!
Hall ; but we are strenuously d:s-
ODuraging building enterprises oil the
part of private individuals." .
An Official of the L.C.C. Tramways
Department. — " We set a public ex-
ample of national economy early in
the War by withdrawing free passes
from soldiers, nurses, special constables,
and the like."'
A Park Superintendent. — " It is im-
possible to keep our flower-beds look-
ing nice under £10,000 a year ; but
people's window-boxes, that's a dif-
ferent matter. Why don't they grow
vegetables '? "
Monsieur Dindcnnenii, chef -en -chef
at the Blitzley. — " You will be BO good
as to mention the little brochure 1 pre-
pare for the English people. She is
called, ' One Hundred Ways to Use
Potato Parings.' "
An Official of the Jockey Club. —
" Stop those lap-dog shows ! "
An Official of the Kennel Club.— "It
is, in my view, a disgrace to waste
money over mere cat shows at a time
of national crisis."
A Bivicer. — "The movement is an
excellent one, and has my thorough
approval. In those critical days, hoavy
spirits should be replaced by an inex-
pensive light British lager."
A Member of the Bachelors' Cliib. —
" The home should be the sphere of
economy. Let every husband reduce
the housekeeping allowance by (say)
25 per C3nt."
At the W.S.P.U.— " What about the
spendthrifts who smoke cigars ? "
In May fair. — " I did think of parting
with my darling Pom, 'Tootsey,' but
the dear pot saves waste of superfluous
entries. He simply loves sweetbreads.
This should be an example to the
popular restaurants, where, I am told,
there is a shocking waste of salt and
mustard."
Another Impending Apology.
Headlines from a morning paper : —
" GOD SAVE OCR HEN
FROM THE EARL o? DUNRAVES "
How the "War affects Prices.
" Remarkable Value in good Longcth, smart
I collar, trimmed Swiss Embroider}' and Inser-
(tion. Usually 8/6. Sile 1'riee 57/11."
1C8
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
[AUGUST 4, 1915.
;
Badly-wounded Tommy. " I NEVER HEMEMBEB SUCH A QUIET BANK HOLIDAY, MUM. SOMEHOW NOTHING 's BROUGHT THE WAK HOME
TO ME MORE."
THE GENTLE SLACKER
WITH idle rod
And head a-nod,
I sit beside the river ;
Flows like a dream
The placid stream,
With surface all a-quiver.
Though war's alarms
May call to arms
The summons finds me wary,
For / refrain
From causing pain (a nibble)
Except when necessary.
Of despot kings
And Huns and things
Some men you hear conversing ;
I give such talk
A miss in baulk,
No unkind thoughts rehearsing.
The tented field
Delights may yield
To natures sanguinary ;
But / refrain
From causing pain (a bite)
Except when necessary.
The throb of drum
May have for some
A charm there 's no resisting ;
It only serves
To rack my nerves
And keep me from enlisting.
Let others go
And smite the foe
With tunes of Tipperary,
But I'll refrain
From causing pain (extracts liooli)
Except when necessary.
SAVING GRACES.
IN Peace time, when to tea-shops forth
I fared
And haughty maidens served my
Lenten platter,
How coldly on the needy bard they
stared,
But now their kindlier glances soothe
and flatter,
And say, " Poor boy, in England's hour
of need
He ivon't allow himself a decent feed ! "
My Ma''d, again, how flatly she refused,
Excepting after dark, to walk beside
me!
No more abusing, as she then abused,
My tramp-like garb, nor wishing
night to hide me ;
'That's it," she says, in tender tones
that thrill,
Buy War Loan, dear, and dock your
tailor's bill! "
No more, as once they did, do passers-by
Describe my dwelling as " The
Blasted Euin ; "
But " Lo, here lives a patriot," they
cry;
" While Britain needs her every mite
to do in
The KAISEK'S war-hordes and the guns
of KRUPP,
He simply will not have his house clone
up! "
Cedant arma togae.
" The Mayor bore testimony to the unfailing
courtesy of the milit.iry authorities, who are
most anxious not to incommode the public
more than is absolutely possible."
Hampshire Advertiser.
"Far away out, 30 miles from Rouen, at
the Horse Hospital he met a Beckenham
postman who spotted him the minute he put
his head on the platform."
liecltcnham Journal.
Personally we never get out of a train
I that way.
>o
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A i in n -I, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CIIAIM VAKI.
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
(K.NTKACTED FROM THE DlABV OP ToBV, M.P.)
Tlte Mother of Parliaments. "AND DO YOU REALLY THINK, DOCTOR, I OUGHT TO TAKE AS MUCH AS six WEEKS' HOLIDAY?"
Dr. Punch. "EVERY BIT OP IT, MADAM; EVERY BIT OP IT."
House of Commons, Monday, July
26th. — BAG, TAG and BOBTAIL, M.P.'s
all (widely advertised place of business
below Gangway), deeply hurt. PRKMIEH
proposes that, after term of attendance
at Westminster extending with brief
intervals over two years, House, having
put itself in order, shall adjourn till
mid-September.
That will never do. What is to be-
come of BAG, TAG and BOBTAIL, deprived
of cheap effective means of emerging
from native obscurity and looming
largo in Parliamentary Reports ?
With artful aid from epoch-making
newspapers, storm got up in Parlia-
mentary teacup. E., T. and B. have
no concern for themselves. What they
view with alarm is prospect of a Coali-
tion Government free from restraint
of mentors below Gangway leading
country into irremediable disaster. Fact
that in case of emergency Parliament
may be summoned within a week — to
bo precise in three days — immaterial.
At Question Time they went straight
for PREMIER. On what date did he
propose to ask House to reassemble ?
Answer awaited with intense interest.
If PRIME MINISTER yielded to organized
clamour inside and outside House, it
would save time to hand straight over
to BAG, TAG and BOBTAIL direction of
public affairs.
PREMIER'S answer did not stray
beyond two brief sentences.
" The date on which I propose to ask
the House to reassemble," he said,
" is the one I indicated last week."
When burst of general cheering
subsided, he added, " I see no reason
whatsoever for altering it." Whereat
House cheered again.
Business done. — Appropriation Bill
read a third time. Lords postpone
consideration of War Pensions Bill.
Tuesday. — Busy and brief sitting
winding up business before setting
forth on well-earned holiday. The
ably-led, well-disciplined, ever-present
Independent Party of One who bears
the name of ARTHUR MAHKHAM ex-
ceptionally active. Varied ordinary
militant attitude by bestowing with
pontifical authority its blessing upon
PRESIDENT OP THE BOARD OP TRADE.
Talking about Price of Coal Bill it
remarked, " I called it a sham and a
fraud when it was introduced. Now
it has been amended I believe it will,
through the coming winter, benefit the
small consumer." BUXCIMAN blusJi ;d.
Business done. — Price of Coal Bill
read a third time. Other measures
advanced a stage.
Thursday. — Parliament adjourned
for exceptionally brief Autumn Becess.
TO A WEEPING WILLOW.
DEAR Willow that I love with all my
heart,
Oh, it is sad to see you weeping so !
To watch the oil of mourning earth-
ward flow
In glistening drops that from your
fibres start 1
I feel the cruel pang, tho painful smart
Of separation. For a year ago
Together we opposed a common foe ;
To-day tho tide of War keeps us apart.
Weep not for mo, sad Willow ; I can bear
Tho altered circumstance the Fates
ordain.
There "11 come a season when iny pulse
shah" throb
Exultant, as with tender loving care
I draw you from your oil-bath once again,
And face with you the yorker and the lob.
114
.PUNCH, -OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AUGUST 4,. 1915.
Trr
f '
CARRYING ON.
"I SAT, IF YOU THINK YOU OUGHT TO ENLIST, OB MAKE SHELLS OR SOMETHING, MY SISTEB AND I ABE QUITE BEADY TO TAKE OVEB
YOUB NET FOB THE NEXT SIX WEEKS. OF COUBS'E WE WOULD GIVE YOU THE SHBIMPS, YOU KNOW."
OUT OF THE PAST.
BOTH as a churchman and as a
human being the Vicar is very popular
with us all. Out of his cassock he is a
sportsman ; in it he preaches the most
restful sermons of any cleric I know.
His attitude on questions of ritual and
the like may perhaps be in advance
of a portion of his flock, but to my
mind, though a little high, it is not
unpleasantly so ; indeed, 1 have always
considered it to be in perfect keeping
with our fourteenth -century Gothic
chancel windows. Besides, we have
two. very steadying churchwardens.
From Monday to Saturday, however,
there is one period of the day during
which, since the War started, I have
never voluntarily encountered the Vicar,
much as I like him ; and that is between
9.30 A.M. and 1 o'clock. This is what
may be called his Collecting period.
\Y<! have in the parish seven separate
funds connected with the War, admin-
istered by seven separate committees.
I myself am president of one committee,
my wife of another. The Vicar has a
hand in them all, and insists on every-
body contributing not only to the fun/1
in which he (or she) is particularly
interested, but also to each of the other
six. This simple plan, he claims, in
addition to furthering the general cause,
has the advantage of minimising rivalry
between the various bodies and so of
preserving alive among us the spirit
of brotherly and sisterly love that
should characterise every Christian
com m unit}-.
When, sitting by my open window
the other morning at about 11 o'clock,
I saw the Vicar open the gate and come
up the drive, I confess I winced. He
walked slowly, and his face wore the
thoughtful, half-guinea expression that
I knew so well. I wondered which of
the Committees he was representing
to-day. Probably Mrs. Jones's, which
had been recently formed to provide
our Indian troops with embroidered
pocket-handkerchiefs. Neither my wife
nor I had ever had any sympathy with
the Joneses. Yielding to the Vicar's
entreaties, we had called upon them on
their arrival in the neighbourhood, but
our subsequent intercourse with them
had been purely formal and conducted
on the strictest fortnightly terms, first
Tuesdays on their part and third Fridays
on ours ; and even so we often gave
them a miss. With a sigh I got up,
took a sovereign and three half-crowns
out of my trouser pockets and locked
them away in my desk by the fireplace.
It was, I realised, a futile precaution to
take, but there are times when a man
will clutch at any straw. A moment
or two later the Vicar entered the
room.
"I'm so glad to have caught you,"
he said warmly.
" Don't mention it," I murmured.
" I hope the waterproof sheets are
going well." The Waterproof Sheets
Fund is mine.
" Oh, yes, there is no trouble about
their going ; our chief difficulty seems
to lie in the other direction."
" Dear me ! " he said thoughtfully.
' Now I was talking to Mrs. Jones
about half-an-hour ago, and curiously
enough she —
" Have a cigarette," I exclaimed
hastily.
He took one from the box, tapped it
on his palm and lit it. " 1 was on the
point of saying —
" After you with the match, Vicar,"
I said, seizing a cigarette. He handed
A i oi ST 4, 1915.
PUNCH, Oil THK LONDON CHARIVARI.
115
it to me \villi a slight frown. Tlie
Vicar is a man who likes to get to the
end of ii M'?;l:'tice.
•• }>n you care for these'.' " I ;isked.
" They are excellent," he replied. "I
never really enjoy a cigarette except in
the morning. l'>ut to return to our
subject. Mrs. Jones, when I mot her
hnlt'-an-liour ago, was saying
"One moment," 1 interrii])te(l.
"Don't you think wo should he more
Comfortable under the trees on the
lawn ? It 's frightfully hot indoors
tliis weather."
" I 'in afraid I must be going
directly," lie answered. " I have five
o! hei- people to see this morning, and
I promised faithfully to be home attain
by one o'clock."
I rose from my chair. " So sony you
cun't sliiy longer. But of course we all
know that your time is never your
own."
He looked at me a little sadly, yet
with an eye that seemed to read my
ver\ soul. " llefore 1 go," he said, "1
must tell you why I have come."
I sat down again. " Do," I said
weakly.
"It is to ask you for a contribution,"
lie continued.
" I knew it," I muttered.
"To the Organ Fund," he concluded.
"The what?" I exclaimed, hardly
able to believe my ears.
"The Organ Fund. It has been
necessarily pushed into the background
of late, but I feel that we must not let
it go. The organ is badly in need of
repair."
1 sat in silence for nearly a minute,
while memories of the old days before
the War flooded across my brain, days
\\ lien the world was at peace and house-
hold coal at twenty-seven shillings
a ton, days when the issues of life
-eemed simpler and the Organ Fund a
subject for really serious consideration.
Then I walked to my desk, unlocked it
and presented to the Vicar — no, not the
three half-crowns, not the sovereign,
but a five-pound note.
He left almost directly afterwards,
and I walked down the drive with him.
As we shook hands at the gate I fancy
I he eyes of both of us were a little dim.
The Human Concertina.
'• \VAXTI-;I>, L-,idy Instrumentalist, who can
double up with piano." — The Hinge.
From a Sunday paper: —
'• Hut I suppose thn most superb example of
If mot jits which the Courts over afforded came
from the lips of Mr. Justice Hawkins."
We refrain from repeating the story, but
can assure our readers that it was not
nearly so saucy as they would suppose
from the description.
Mistress. "MBS. JENKINS, WOULD YOU LIKE SOME OP YOCB SALARY ADVANCED, BO
THAT YOU CAN INVEST IN THE WAB LOAN 1 "
Housekeeper. "THANK YOU, MY LADY. BUT — EE — DO YOU THINK rr is QUITE SAFE?
\Vi: NKVKR SPECULATE IN MY FAMILY."
From the National Registration
questionnaire, as published by a London
paper : —
"Are you skilled in any work upon which
you are employed, and, if so, what? "
A very nasty question.
Answer to Correspondent : —
" To tempt a hedgehog to cat an Alt rim -ham
inquirer might try the experiment of placing
a broken egg in a saucer."
But suppose the hedgehog found the
egg more tempting than an Altrincham ?
" A wireless warning Captain Claret to take
every precaution against an ovation was re-
received by the operator on the Minnehaha at
12 noon on the day of the explosion. . . .
Immediately upon receipt of the message
Captain Claret prepared for the worst."
Montreal Evening News.
He evidently knew the penalties of
popularity.
"Green's Short History of the English
People. Complete French ed. 2 vols. 16 ft.
(Plon-Nourrit & Cie)." — Publishers' Circular.
A yard or two shorter would suit our
book-shelves better.
116
PUNCH, QI} THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[A.UGUST 4, 1915.
THE COUNTRY COTTERS.
n.
DEAR Pans,— Taking it all round
we like your country cottage iminensely.
The Crystal Palace is, perhaps, a trifle
roomier, airier and butter lighted, but
tlu n ( f course we could not have got
the Crystal Palace for -a pound— or
did you say a shilling''- a week; and.
heMi'les., the Crystal Palace has no wild
roses climbing up the porch and no
pump in the scullery. True, your ceil-
ings are a bit low ; 1ml I lien one always
stoops when oim is shaving, and one
Usually sits down at meal-times, and
one has to lie down in bed, and one
never wants to dawdle about on a stair-
case, anyhow. At the same tune I
wonder if you would have ariy;:objection
tp my sawing a small piece out of. the-"
Jacobean rafter in the sitting-room —
just sufficient to admit of my rising
from the breakfast-table without Incur-
ring daily concussion of the brain? I
got up from the table this morning
quite forgetting about the Jacobean
rafter, with the result that the knob
which I now wear on the top of my
head makes the sitting-room fit me
Worse than ever.
' Then there 's the pump in -the scul-
lery. Now don't misunderstand me
and imagine that I am wilfully finding
fault. Pumps, spinning-wheels, sun-
d^als, Jacobean rafters, inaccessibility
of doctor and post-office, bats,, oldest
inhabitant (if any), children biting the
hems of their pinafores — all these, my
dear Peter, combine to bring the scent
ojf the hay over the .footlights, as it
were. I love them all. But f "Ho-
expect a pump to have a sense of duty
and convey water. What actually
happened the first dayrwe arrived, with
o^ir tongues lolling out for a cup of tea,
Was this. After Joan and I had in
turn worked the pump-handle some
five thousand times each, we merely
succeeded in pumping out a spider,
followed a quarter of an hour later by
about an egg -cupful of ,a/ dark and,
sinister-looking fluid strongly impreg-
nated with rust. This 'Would have been
acceptable if we had brought the canary-
with us. It has recently moulted
rather severely, and has used up our
ehtire stock of rusty nails. But as a
basis for tea it was impossible, and
Joan went away to find a quiet corner
in which to die. I wasn't surprised.
A day at your pump, Peter, would
make even the health of emperors
ridiculous.
However, your handy man.Wrighton,
of whom you told me, opportunely
looked in to see if he were wanted.
He was. I explained our trouble to
him, and he at once examined the pump
with the eye of an expert — I suppose
there arc pump experts ? He said the
leather of the plunger had perished, and
he would fit another piece. Meanwhile
he would fetch us some water from his
private well.
Now, Peter, why don't you get a
well? It would be- quite in keeping
with the rest of life in a country cottage,
and oughtn't to cost very much. After
all, a well is only a hole, and goodness
k i tow's holes are cheap enough. Get
an estimate from a well-sinker, anyway.
While Wrighton had gone for the
water I went to look for Joan. I found
her lying down on the sofa in. the
sitting-room, in a state of utter collapse.
The poor girl bad had to break into the
emergency -ration of chocolate -cream
which she had fortunately brought with
tier, and was endeavouring to restore
her shattered faculties by reading a
copy of Country Life for December,
1911. (Your library is sadly out of date).
I said, " The leather of the plunger has
perished.": To which Joan merely re-
marked : " But the silk stockings of
the liftman's little neighbour (feminine)
have been saved. To-morrow we will
conjugate savoir and connaitre." This
will show you the state to which your
pump has reduced us. But we are
getting slowly better. The oxygen
cylinder has gone 'back to town and we
no longer need to take nourishment
during the night.
You will be flattered to learn that
we followed your advice and took a
cold chicken down with us .in the side-
car. It was thoughtful of you to men-
tion that Tuesday was early closing
day in Windleton, and that we should
have difficulty in getting in provisions.
As a matter of fact we did. The cold
chicken left us without giving notice
somewhere between Horley and Hor-
sham. If you -should happen to know
anyone who lives between these two
places' you might ask him to keep an
eye oped" (or, if he 's not very busy,
both eyes open) for a cold — No,
liever mind. It "s no good counting
on spilt chickens. Besides, it 's proba-
bly curdled by now.
When I can spare the time I 'm
going to devote a little attention to
taming your wild roses. One scratched
me this morning as I was going into
the garden ; not spitefully, mind you,
but (I believe) playfully. Or perhaps
you wilfully keep them in this fierce
condition to scare away tramps, just as
other people keep a watch-dog ? If so,
watch-roses are indeed a novelty, and
I feel it incumbent upon me to stick up
a notice — " Beware of the wild roses."
Talking of wild things, Joan wants to
start a goat. Wrighton, it appears, has
a spare one which he can't use. It is
too young to go as a regimental mascot,
and he has offered it to her for the
sake of getting it a comfortable home.
Joan has already commenced to babble
about growing our own gorgonzola for
the mouse-trap, but a goat in the Sussex
jungle and a goat in a suburban garden
are two totally different propositions,
Peter. Supposing it went mad .and
tossed the postman ? Besides, I happen
to know it 's a buck, and no good for
anything except to. draw a goat-chaise
or to be converted into peminican, for
neither of which we have any pressing
need. I therefore propose, before the
plot thickens any farther, to offer
Wrighton half-a-crown not to give us
the animal, hut to do as he originally
intended and send it to the next village
rummage sale to be rattled.
Windleton is very charitably disposed
jiisit now, and we . h&ve lately had a
perfect orgy of frivolities in the shape
of sales and fetes on behalf of the various
War funds. Last Saturday there was
An Evening with Keats in the village
schoolroom, given by Miss Mullens,
one of the teachers. A numerous and
costly audience, I understand, stayed
at home. Then on Tuesday a Fruit,
Flower and Vegetable Show was held,
to which we should certainlyhave sent
a very fine growth which we discovered
in' your paddock if we had been con-
scientiously able to enter it as a mush-
room. But unfortunately our joint
botany broke down at the test, and
tliere .was- no class for mushstools.
To-morrow there is a Lawn Tennis
Tournament in the Vicarage garden,
for .which Joan and I have entered, as
we find that your effects here do not
include either electro-plated asparagus-
servers or cut-glass scent-bottles.
By-the-by, the Vicar has called twice
(we were out on each occasion), and
we are filled with trepidation, as we are
not an CQ u rant with the customs of
country clei'gymen. Will he ask us
what we are? (Please wire reply). If
he does, I shall say we are Bi-aietallists,
but that we hold very conservative
views with regard to Contributing to
funds for restoring the old Norman
weather-cock or for adding a vox populi
stop to the organ.
Your affectionate tenant, OSWALD.
An extract from a recent article by
Colonel MAUDE : —
" This is speaking of Germans and Russians
only, not of the Russians and Austrian*, be-
tween whom there is, in fact, no comparison
possible in this war, because the latter have
beaten the former uniformly ever since Uie
first shots were fired."
If the gallant Colonel has joined the
pessimists things must indeed be in a
bad way.
4, 191V5.]
PUNCH,' OK THK LONDON I'lfARlVARI.
117
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118
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AUGUST 4, 1015.
THE SUPER-SALESWOMAN.
\Viir.N Irene understood that I hail
put my services at tlio disposal of tho
nearest Bjlgian refugee organisation
between tho hours of eight and eleven
each evening sho was not wholly
p!e:i;ed. In fact she " murmured."
"And what do you suppose that I
urn to do with myself every night from
eight to eleven?"" sho demanded.
I explained that there were many
little tilings to which tho daft fingers
of a really clever woman could turn.
Or, especially in these troublous times,
the inestimable boon of a period sot
apart daily for quiet undisturbed
thinking. . .' .
" Oh, all right," interrupted Irene.
Shortly after this she volunteered
to take duty each evening for an
insignificant and quite unofficial rival
eilort calling itself Ons lluis.
You will at once understand the
inconvenience of this plan. If 1 get
through at the Muison Beige (our esta-
blishment) in an hour or two, I return
to a depressingly deserted Hat. There is,
I discover, no more' unadaptable hour
than that which lies between 9.30 and
10.30. It is too early to go to l«d and
too late to begin doing anything else.
Things cixak, suddenly, too . . .'
The other afternoon I got back from
the ollico a little la.ter than usual and
found Irene on the point of sstting out.
"In another five minutes we should
have missed;-', she remarked, with the
cheerful " take it or le we it " air of the
confirmed follower of duty. " What
kept you ? "
I explained that I had looked in at
an emporium for a collar stud.
"Oh.coins/'expostulated Irene, "that
ought not to have taken half-an-hour."
"It did not. It only took half a
minute. Tho remainder was spent in
finding somsone to receive the money."
"But you need not have stayed,"
she suggested.
" I need not," I conceded, " but I did.
If I had not, the whole fabric of com-
mercial enterprise, as conducted on the
most modern principles, would have
fallen to tho ground."
Irene for onco in a way was really
listening.
"Petsr," sha exclaimed gratefully,
"I shouldn't wonder -"
Ireno is an adapt at what may be
called the suppressed climax.
" Wonder what? "I asked.
"Oh, nothing; just an idea. I must
bolt now. I am taking charge of our
sala of Belgian work to-night."
" Good girl," I said ; " we must all put
our shoulder to the plouglrthoso times.".
I had heard something of their little
parlour effort. " Going strong ? "
"I'm afraid not," sho confessed.
"The secretary marked tho things at
ba/aar prices. Gladys Limpstono had
charge last night, and, although she can
ho most persuasive, everyone got oil
by buying a picture-postcard."
"Life (lowed placidly at the Maison
Mclgo that evening. J3y 9.30 I was on
my way back when a beautiful idea
occurred to me. Why. should I not go
down to Ons lluis, slip in, and from a
quiet corner view tho proceedings un-
porceived ? Then at the psychological
moment I would appear before her as a
customer. A modest trille would bo
well spent in providing that encourage-
ment. I pictured her gratitude quite
tbuohingly.
There is nothing formal about Ons
lluis. I pushed opan a few doors,
murmured " Ilet spijt mij ! " when I
found a family at home, and finally
discovered the right room.- 1 had. not
expected it to he exactly crowded, but
the sight of one aldermanly parson and
one embarrassed youth ahnsst putt-me
to flight. Fortunately Irene was ab-
sorbed in a copy of L'Eclio. I reached a
strategic screen without being db'served-
In a very few minutes 1 had grasped
the fact that Irene was not enter-
prising. Both the customers tried
occasional- glances and throat noises
in her direction in the vain hope of
provoking an advance on her part that
would enable them to cover a dignified
retirement under the purchase of a
postcard group; Finally the portly one
approached her.
" I 'vo just been looking round," he
remarked. . ,/ .,
Irene inclined her head .in gracious
acknowledgment of the honour.
" Interesting stuff, but everything -is
pretty, dear, you know," he continued.
"Very dear, if you don't mind my
saying so."
" I don't," agreed Irene. " Every-
thing is ridiculously dear."
"Bless my soul!" he ejaculated,
" you don't say so ? " .
The strange young woman shrugged
indifference.
" If I don't I express myself rather
badly," she added.
"But"- — he continued to stand
there in a fascinated helpless way —
" but this is most unbusinesslike."
" That is because attendants cannot
always afford to bo strictly truthful.
You see, I don't do this as a business."
" So I judge." There was nothing
subtle about the man. " Well, my
wife had a look round yesterday, and
the young lady who -was then in your
place tried to make out that there
never were such bargains."
Irene smiled bravely, but you couldn't
help seeing the pathos of it.
"Miss Limpstone?" sho remarked.
"Oh, well, I suppose sho has always
bad to do with very wealthy people
... or unusually generous ..."
" That isn't a had little box over
there, you know," observed the vie — I
mean the visitor, suddenly.
"I suppose it isn't," agreed Irene
dutifully. "It has been greatly ad-
mired, but I think that is because the
Duchess of Douhloyou praised it so
much when she opened the sale the
other day."
" She — her Grace didn't purchase it,
though?" There was positively an
anxious tremor in his voice.
" No, sho said that sho could not
afford it — that the Duke would be
annoyed at the bill. It is so very
dear.-"
" How much ? " gasped the large
man.
"Twenty-seven shillings and six-
pence," whispered Irene hopeles-ly.
He mopped his face with a silk
handkerchief of many colours and
began to cross the room.
" I '11 have a look at it," he muttered.
"Do," replied Irene. "But it is
nothing but wood — just wood sawn
and polished and fastened together."
"It's very good wood-, though," be
retorted quite sharply, " and the work-
manship is excellent. . Yes, I '11 —
.-"Twenty-seven shillings and six-
pence," breathed Irene. "It seems
terrible — to me."
"Pooh!" said the devil-may-care
fellow boldly. " Er — her Grace of
Doubleyou, you said? '
I pass over the air of extreme re-
luctancc.vvith which Irene appeared to
take the misguided man's money. I
was on the point of effecting my retreat
(for it no longer appeared to me that.
Irene stood in need of encouragement)
when the young man approached the
desk. In his hand hs carr.ed a picture-
postcard of tho refugees, which it was
his obvious intention to purchase.
It would serve no good purpose, and
might possibly lead to harm, if I
detailed the exact process by which
Irene sought to dissuade this innocent
young creature from buying an elaborate
piece of Brussels Lice (three guineas).
While she was booking the order I lied.
To tell tho truth, I was afraid to be
left alone with Irene and her stock.
I have since learned that Irene took
£27 los. (Jd. that night. But perhaps
tho saddest part of the whole business
was the treatment of Gladys Limpstone,
fo-r the Committee deputed the most
tactful of their number to wait upon
her and ask her if she could not be a
little more pushing and seductive in
her methods the next time she took
charge.
A i CUST 4, 1915.]
PUNCH, OH TIIK LONDON CHARIVARI.
119
. *> -^ iagO>->_;?'> rV~V*
^$^*^^~^&ss
ii
THE ANTI-TORPEDO BATHING OUTFIT.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)
SINCE a title like Subjects of the Day (ALLEN AND UNWIN)
points one inevitably to a certain unrestful thema, it was
with a shock almost of happiness that I was reminded that
such matters as Home Rule and Woman Suffrage, for
instiu ice, are still extant. True, gratitude on no better
foundation might not have kept me 'good-tempered long;
but fortunately throughout the speeches and occasional
memorial notices of Lord CURZON, here collected, there is
in the lofty sincerity which is -their note an abundant
ground for more permanent thanksgiving. From the first
speech of the series, the one in which, as ex-Viceroy, lie is
pin] ming the toast of the British Dominions* Beyond the
Sen-;, a single persuasion seems to dominate his thought.
From a purely literary point of view the volume may
suffer a little — I dare say it does suffer — from the lack
of continuity unavoidable in a reproduction of spoken
addresses; but beyond question the book is welded into a
whole by the patriotic spirit that inspires it. To be sure,
in many of these utterances of the last ten stormy years —
the period hero covered — the partisan attitude obtrudes
itself. But the broad truth about these speeches, no less
apparent in Lord CKOMKH'S introduction, is that they are
an expression of that unfearing and responsible imperialism,
justified beyond all words to-day, which even the most
determined Little Englandcr — if such a creature still
exist at the bottom of his heart loves and understands.
It is the negation of jingoism, the antithesis of Prussian
militarism. And in the reading of this book the staunchest
adulate of Radicalism may well consent to forgive Lord
CTK/ON'S occasional distrust of Democracy, and be glad
that in this time of crisis he has been called to a place in
the councils of the nation.
1 am a little baffled as to what to say about The
Dririn,/ Force (LONG). There are good ideas in it, and
Mr. GBOBOB ACORN is a writer who has been deservedly
praised for qualities of sincere and acute observation ; yet
it is precisely in these that his latest book seema to miss
the mark. Perhaps you read One of the Multitiule, that
exceedingly human document, in which the early struggla
of a slum-child towards self-respecting manhood was de-
scribed with simple and therefore very moving sincerity
by a writer who had himself experienced the conditions
about which he wrote. In The Driving Force you get
again the same sense — unmistakable and not to be counter-
feited— of the life of the mean streets seen from within ;
but, though I am pretty sure that the characters them-
selves are true, it seems to me that Mr. ACORN has yielded
to the temptation to manipulate them into " situations."
The result is a disappointing impression of artificiality.
The chief theme of the story, the counteracting effects of
heredity and environment, is lost sight of in a maze of
rather irrelevant happenings ; while the long-lost-child
motive is handled in a way that imposes an unfair strain
upon the reader's credtriity. It is in little pictures and
incidents by the way that the host of the book is found.
The first chapter, for example, with its account of the slum
children starting for their country fortnight, is excellently
done, with truth in every touch of it. This makes me
confident that, if Mr. ACORN will avoid elaborate plots and
confine himself to the simple record of things seen and
remembered, he has an equipment that will yet place him
in the front rank of our realists.
My enthusiasm for those fine soldiers of the resilient
Russian line, that bends and breaks not, gives me no clue
to the higher qualities of the strange tales in The Old House
(SECKER), by FEODOR SOLOOUH. I just don't know quite
what to make of them, and I hope such ineffectual candour
amounts to a criticism not a prejudice. They seem — some-
times at least — to go beyond the point of extravagant
fantasy towards incoherence and morbidity. Mr. JOHN
COURNOS, the translator, urges me in a sympathetic preface
always to look for the underlying " intense symbol of
reality," and instances particularly the powerful story,
1:83*
i
1-20
rUNCH, OR THE -LONDON CHARIVARI:,
-Xw^ ' ~,r-^ — -~f- C. i ^
r !, \<)\r>.
"The InvoUer of the Beast." a nightmare of treachery and
terror. I can only say that what Mr. COCUNOS finds is
from me, hut that lie is the more likely to have the
,
ght kiud of eye and seems an honest soul. I did indeed
find a kind of epitome of national strategy in the long story
of " The Old House " (which deals with the tragedy of a son
hanged for conspiracy), a marching forward towards the
attack ami a *kilful retirement renewed again and aga,in,
ftud certainly also a brooding atmosphere cleverly created
of poignant tragedy, and some exquisitely outlined portraits.
Am I wrong in thinking that the magic of the long-drawn-
ont preparation and comment resided in the felicitous and
delicate choice of the precise word, and that a little of it
has -evaporated in the intolerably difficult exercise of
translation'.'
4 - : -
.
.
.4 Far. Country (MACJULLAN) is one of those stories of
modern American life which Mr. WINSTON CHUKC.HIIJ,
(U.S.A.) can handle jfetter perhaps than any other living
author. It is not altogether a Chappy story. In a sense
it might he called,, up to the last pages, a tragedy — the
more poignant for being- only suggested. Unfulfilment
is tiro keynote of it. ; Mr. ~~
jCmturniLr. has done a
very hard tiling reiii^rk-
ably well. la the -central
character, Hiujli Pdret,
his ttfgk was to arjajyse
deterioration from 'within,
and wjth apparent un-
,consciquspes$. , Jljigli is
^e A.,symbplic- figure i of
•American young ?iijan-
hpo^,-:BtartingTHfe.:fiuU of
•eener«itt8[ -^impulses fand
ideals,, amt gruuilually mas-
tered by thq.ajl-pe^vadingv
worship- o£. prosperity land
finanfeial success;— Firom
a dream'ing '^fid rOmajntic
'sVu,^eht.;.he.' becpnies,! by.
inevitable decrees of men-
i 1 ' i ' ' i ' •• ••• - • ' ii • !-
which he very 'Capably turned to good advantage. WnetnS
or not 'the st'oi-y contains autobiographical passages I will
not pretend to guess, but the author has cerlainly.'Aieen
beguiled into inserting various events and con versati OTIS ol
little intrinsic interest and with no particular bearing on
the plot ; also'into dwelling at disproportionate length on
the. failure of the examination system an'd the worthless
soul of the Oxford <lon. But there is real life in :' Andrew
Di<skra,nd the comedy of liis experiences (especially as a
schoolmaster) is well worth reading. As for the . letters
Sylvia Wrote to him, they made me positively envious.
I could- have welcomed quite a lot more of the correspon-
dence between Andrew ami his fiancee. The end of tho
book leaves him assistant-editor of The Stndio, and without
a doubt he deserved it.
THEtLLS
•
TtiUE PBBISOOPl! AlTACHMKNT.
tal hardening, ajpus'hing and conspicuous' part- of the
system of graft that runs a city, a state or a country 'for
the sole benefit);- of ::tihe iffside wirepullers. Incidentally
(though' I know $Ir.::GHURCHiiL did not intend that effect)
the description of hcjw a very rich and unscrupulous Trust
lawyer can spend money is by no means unpleasant reading.
Throughout- Hygh' s -career there are two men representing
the diverse 'forces at work within him — It 'uiling, the man
of affairs, and Krebf,'the idealist. lij is when the system
that supports Walling and his associates totters before
the attacks of Krebsi; jwhen Hugh's wife.has practically left
him, and he' finds tliat the other woman whom he loved
better can never belonjg to him, that he awakes to the truth
iof his position. Thatj is the end of a story that is, I think,
the most powerful, though not the most pleasant, that
Mr. CHUBCHILL has yet written ; certainly one of the
outstanding novels of ;the year, which you must not fail to
read for yourself.
Andrew (JOHN LANE) is Mr. KEHLE HOWAKD'S
nickname for his latest hero, a cheerful and promising
young man who nobly resolved to find a footing in Fleet
Street, make a fortune, and marry the charming girl of
bis undergraduate choice. All this he finally achieved, but
found his Oxford training a sad handicap, and was forced
x> eke out a livelihood as an usher in third-rate private
schools until Fortune; kindly handed him the opportunity-
It needs a stout heai't to faije the heroic jig-saw puzzle
of Balkan problems past and present and tackle the sorting
and the fitting of the pieces.; Of such an organ, fortified by
a well-filled head, is Dr. SETON-\\'AI SON -possessed: In
Boumania and the Great Weir. (CoNS-rAiii/K) lie makes. out a<
fair case, not ignoring .; fact* , of contrary ,vSta|)lica_tion, in
~ particular certain obstin-
ate-blunders of Brifcisl
diplomacy; 'for our con-
sidering tliis ha/ardouBly
placed" State as 'allied with
us of the Great- League of
Freedom in sentiment and.
aspiration ; and a slenderer
but, still substantial case
>fof'*owr -hope* of her in-
terve'nrfetett > on' the right
side, ifeut JJOW..OH <
tho wurl.liy doctor
! agines.thai.auy, other thanj
an export ..of .t to fourt,ht
degree can read his pages!
withotit ni«p; '6r charti
and preserve 'liiS sanity Ij
don't, ;quite kno\v. Nor
can- 1- pretend-- that -th»
\EfX
marshaHing of his .knowledge is as orderly as it might !>:•.
But there stands clear one fact, whereof In ourproocct)pS,tto»
with German power-fever and brutality we t&rid'ki finder1'
estimate the significance, which fact' is that the'Magyar dO'ilii-
nation 'in Hungary is of a reactionary Character to a point
hardly conceivable in a modern state, checking at no device
of chicanery or violence.' To say " mediteval " is to insult
a mu6h abused era. Not for nothing does th^" blood of
the Turk flow in Magyar veins ... My ad vice, is get a
wet trowel and a good map and read this memorandum.
SONNET 05s STRANGE SOUNDS. '
DMEAD is the fierce gorilla's" warlike roar, '•
And dread the Banshee's long-drawn boding cry,
Dread, too, the note a table-leg lets fly .
When moved abruptly on a lino'd floor;
Feline roof-serenatlers grieve me sore,
And amateur performers on the flute ;
And most uncanny is the siren's hoot
\Vhen fog-bound liners feel their way to shore.
These sounds and others in a lifetime long
Have jarred my nerves and chilled me to the bone,
But nought on earth that better suits the throng
Of Pandemonium have I ever known
Than just a simple, modern comic song
I'layed swiftly backwards on the gramophone. :
11, 1915.]
PUNCH, OU TIIH LOXDON CIIAUIVAIM.
OUR SCHOOL.
BY PolM'KTT MINIMI'S.
Ol'n school is top-hole this year. It
has always been the, !>;•*!, school, hut
this year everybody admits that it is
absolutely top-hole. So now you know
which school it is. Yi'flto xiijio sat!
tins is Latin, and I've put it in for
swank.
\Ye 've just had our Speech Day,
which wasn't like any ordinary rui>-
bishy Speech Day. Nearly everybody
was in khaki, even some of the
(iovernors, and some fellows' sisters
and relations wore in nurses' uniforms.
My people -weren't half bad this year
and 1 introduced them to Duwes. He
was cock of the school last half,
and he has now got a commission
as private, hut he didn't mind their
being introduced because my father
is in the same regiment.
A real top-hole bishop ga{e away
the pri/cs this year. Not an
ordinary bishop, like we liad last
year, but a suffragette bishop.
Parker, who is going in for the
Church, says they are so called
because they wear a larger apron
than other bishops-. But this
bishop was top-hole anywjiy, and
some of the things he sa'irl about
patriotism were simply spiking. I
am gliid my people came. I
Last year we had a lot oil beastly
hooks which no decent '• person
would read. I got Darwin** Dutch
liejmilic in three volumes, and
swapped it with Venables for two
while rabbits. I 'm sorry ff did so
now, as the rabbits di<?d, an(i
Venables' grandmother ivas so
pleased that she made her" will in
his favour because he was a pro-
geny, the iirst they had ever had
in the family, or some such rot. This
year the Head said the p|rizes would
all be the same: the school roll of
honour framed. You should have just
heard the fellows cheer. '
Our roll :of honour is a pretty hefty
one. It has got 1'oppett major's name
and Ihe names of all Ihe fellows who are
doing anything for their country. And
a jolly sight better prixe than Motley's
Earth W'orms. As if a chap would
spend his holidays reading up worms !
Only one fellow ever got a book worth
reading, and that was Jioswcll's Life of
Jack Johnson. There seemed to be no
pictures in it, though. Still for a fellow
who wanted to learn boxing it ought to
h:> pretty hefty.
Last year we ragged Mossoo ; this
year you should have heard the cheer
when he came in. He 's not a bad sort,
after all. As soon as 1 heard what
those beasts were doing in the North
of France I learnt a lot of irregular
verbs to show my sympathy. The
I'pper Fifth said it was a point of
honour to learn all the French we
could. There wan terrific competition
for the French prizes. Mossoo made a
line speech in French, and we cheered
every sentence. I understood hoiniciir,
cn'iir, entente., puti'ie, and cheered like
mad when they came in. I didn't
understand the rest, as his accent is
different and he speaks very quick.
Nobody got the prize for German
amid great cheers. Only two fellows
went in for it, and they were hooted
by some of the Fifth. This encouraged
us, and also when they interned the
German master. Pocock says they
major is in training, minor is scouting.
And I hate the (ierman-; more than
any of thorn. It's just my beastly
luck; I went and caught Gorman
measles.
Parker, who is going in for the
Church, came to s:>e me yesterday and
said perhaps I am serving my country
as well as anybody else. He says thai
he is sure the (ierman master, Ix-fore he
left, scattered germs everywhere, and
that J got the lot of them (I was simply
covered) and saved the whole school.
I expect he is right. He put on his
most professional air, and said anyhow
they were part of the unscrupulous
decrees of Providence. I must have
had about ten thousand.
3n flDemoriam.
WE have to record with great
regret the death, after an operation, of
Mr. Walter Emanuel, at the age of
forty -six — a. loss both to ourselves
and our readers, for, a valued con-
tributor, it was he who for many
years, with very rare interruptions,
provided " The London Charivari "
with the "Charivaria" that usually filled
this page. His alert and caustic wit,
his sense of nonsense and his peculiar
gift of whimsical inversion perhaps
found in the paragraph their best ex-
pression, but Mr. Emanuel was known
also to the book -reading public by
several humorous works, of which
"A Dog Day," that diverting and con-
vincing Immunization of an animal
always prominent in Mr. Emanuel's
sympathies, was the most popular.
ought to have done it earlier, as any-
body could see he was a spy by the
way he wrote his own language. He
could not get out of the trick of hiding
the principal word in a corner of the
sentence.
Pocock says he wishes Italy had not
joined in till the holidays, because the
Head at once added Italian to the cur-
riculum to encourage those, he said,
who were giving up German less from
patriotism than for .slackness. He had
Pocock there. He! said in his public
speech that " henceforward in this
school the language of Danty and of
Honour will take the place of the lan-
guage of Dishonour, even though it had
been the tongue of Gertie Shiller."
Pocock says that Gertie was a German
lady the Head met when he was young.
All the fellows are doing something
for their country this vacation except
me, and it 's a beastly shame. Poppett
THINGS THAT MATTER.
(In the lelterjn'pss beneath the
portrait of one of onr generals
an evening pnper urges us to
" note the creases in his trou-
sers.")
WHEN it happens that we read
(And we can do so daily)
The details of some gallant deed,
Of peril fronted gaily,
The story brings its wonted thrill,
But yet we can't help feeling
That matters more exciting still
The writer is concealing.
He tells us how the pluck was
high,
The strategy was tricky,
But what about the hero's tie ?
And did he wear a dicky ?
When mufti cloaks the burly form
That . scattered (like the chaff)
foes
Would critics call his waistcoat
" warm " ?
And .what about his half-hose?
These are the things for which we
yearn,
On these our thoughts are centred,
And when at last the tide shall turn
And Gqrmany be entered,
Our heartfelt joy at coming peace
Will know dull Care's invasion,
In doubt if FRENCH'S trouser crease
Was worthy the occasion.
"STRICT UKRMAN CENSORSHIP. ,
PARIS, Monday.— -.According, to Berne des-
patches, no German cruisers have arrived at1
Berne or other Swiss towns for the past three
days."— /ris/j 1'aptr.
From the heading we gather that their
non-arrival was due to a collision with
the Censorship.
Extract from a soldier's letter : —
"The trenches are really quite comfortable
except for the mud, and the people who live
opposite."
VOL. CKLIX.
122
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AUGUST 11, 1915.
THE MAKING OF A SOUL.
THE Witches were making a soul.
Once in every hundred years it is permitted to them, for
services they have rendered, to make a soul and to choose
a human being whose body that soul shall inhabit.
Of course there were three Witches; it is well known
that they always work in threes, finding this number
convenient for their business.
Now it is a mistake to suppose that Witches are always
ill-disposed and wicked. They are often as good as other
people ; but they have their moods, and sometimes they are
both capricious and mischievous.
Thus they acquire a bad reputation among staid folk and
have often been punished for faults which they have not
committed and for vices which, at the moment, they do not
possess. At other times, however, they have committed
faults which have escaped without notice, and have been
full of wickedness which has been attributed to others.
On the whole, therefore, no great injustice has been
done, although the rules of evidence have been strained
against them in Old England and New England and
elsewhere;
Now on this particular occasion they were, as I have
said, busy with the making of a soul; and I am sorry to
say that two of them were in their most mischievous
and disgraceful mood. They had been chasing wild cats up
and down craggy precipices and had had only poor sport.
The third was in a better humour, but she had been
riding a thousand miles on a new but well-broken broom,
and she was now tired and was hardly capable of opposing
her two disreputably-minded sisters.
All this, I ought to mention, took place more than fifty
years ago.
The third Witch, the benevolent one, was the first to
speak after they had come together.
" Do not," she said, " let us spend a long time over this
soul-making. I have by me quite a nice soul which I made
in my summer holidays last year. Why shouldn't we use
that and get the business over? "
" Nonsense," said the first Witch.
" Quite a nice soul, indeed ! " said the second. " Do you
mean that you put good things into it ? "
" Well," said the third Witch rather shamefacedly, " per-
haps I did. I put in loyalty "
" Pooh ! " said the first Witch.
" And generosity," said the third.
" Pish ! " said the second.
" And modesty," added the third.
" Good gracious ! " said the other two together, " our
sister is wandering in her mind."
" Oh, have it your own way then," said the third ; and she
threw away the soul she had made and went to sleep on a
rock.
" Here "s a handful of cruelty," said the first Witch.
" And here 's a peck of faithlessness," said the second.
" Let 's put them in before she wakes up."
So they put them in.
" Here 's a whole heap of vanity," said the first Witch.
" In it goes," said the second ; "and here 's a wagon-load
of braggadocio."
"Splendid!" said the first Witch; "but we mustn't
forget envy and malice —
" Excellent ! And all uncharitableness," said the second.
" That '11 about do," said the first. " Now who 's to
have it ? "
" We can't do better than send it to Berlin," said the
second. " There will be a new princeling there in two
shakes of a cat's whisker."
" Eight," said the first ; and together they blew the soul
away on its voyage through the air.
" We shall have some fun some day," they said.
But the third Witch continued to sleep. She isn't really
responsible for the things that have happened.
THE BUSY B'S.
BUCHAN and BELLOC are wonderful men,
Equally nimble with brain and with pen,
Swiftly eclipsing their college compeers,
Destined for fame from their earliest years.
BUCHAN at Oxford — I quote from Who's IVho —
Mopped up the STANHOPE and NEWDIGATE too ;
Published three books, shone at Union debates,
Eomped through his schools, with a First Class in
Greats.
Owing allegiance awhile to the law,
Wider horizons in action he saw,
Joining Lord MILNER away at the Cape,
Helping South Africa out of her scrape.
Hardly less wondrous achievements were those
Wrought by brave BELLOC in life, verse, and prose,
Writer of anti-Semitic lampoons,
Pilgrim-apostle of all picaroons.
Member of Parliament, champion of beer ;
Viewed by his party with feelings of fear ;
Gunner of old in the army of France,
Publicist, orator, mystic, free-lance.
So, when the War-cloud exploded in flame,
Even more bellocose BELLOC became ;
While to his feat in appeasing the Dutch
BUCHAN has added the new " Nelson " touch.
Each wrote war chronicles, vast and unique — •
One came out monthly, and one once a week — -
Each took to lecturing night after night,
Filling their hearers with awe and delight.
BELLOC excelled in the diagram dodge ;
BUCHAN in breezy avoidance of stodge ;
Multitudes hung on the lips of HILAIRE ;
BUCHAN led off with E. GREY in the chair !
BUCHAN, whose brain works abnormally fast,
Gives us an output stupendously vast,
Vying in manner with NAPIER and POE,
STEVENSON, ARCHIBALD FORBES and DEFOE.
BELLOC finds time to complete or rewrite
LINGARD by day and MACAULAY by night.
Serious staff-officers sit at his feet ;
Wireless distributes his screeds to the Fleet.
Here then 's a health to you, marvellous pair,
Prester John BUCHAN, volcanic HILAIRE,
Drinking the cup of life down to the lees,
Bang in the front of our busiest B's !
"We have repeatedly urged the imperative necessity of closer
co-ordination between the operations in both main theatres, as well
as on the Italian front; but, so far as we are aware, our appeals and
our warnings have not yet taken effect." — The Times.
An arrangement by which the Grand Duke NICHOLAS,
General JOFFRE and General CADOHNA should report direct
to Printing House Square would seem to be desirable.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— Aimr si- I!, 1915.
A SEA CHANGE.
KAISEK (to Von Tirpitz). "BRITISH SUBMARINES IN THE BALTIC I WHAT AN INFAMOUS
DEVELOPMENT OP NAVAL STRATEGY! HERE'S MY CHANCE FOR ANOTHER NOTE TO
WILSON."
• •' • - '.
I
Ar.il'ST 11, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
128
friend, " WELL, HOW 's THE WAB AFFECTINO YOU ? "
Post-Cubist-Impressionist Sculptor. "Nor A BIT, OLD CHAP. I NEVER SOLD ANYTHING BEFORE IT STARTED— AND I HAVEN'T SINCE!'
THE USES OF THE FUND.
" A VERY awkward thing has hap-
pened," said my wife, coining into
the breakfast-room in some agitation.
" Lieutenant Marshall has left a cheque
behind him, marked ' Billeting Account/
for £1 7s. 9d."
" Where did you find it? " I asked.
" It was rather cleverly hidden inside
the drawing-room clock. I think he
know I wouldn't wind it up till Saturday ;
but it seems so sordid, considering the
charming note he wrote to thank us
for our hospitality. I wonder what in
the world we ought to do about it."
" Stick to it," said Sinclair briefly ;
" after all, you did feed him."
" No, I can't do that. It 's too
horribly mercenary. Besides, I asked
him to come back again if they pass
this way."
" It is an excellent case for the
National Fund," said the Reverend
Henry. "It is really difficult to see
how in the world we ever got on with-
out that fund. I hope they will make
it a permanent institution after the
War. It solves all sorts of problems."
" What sorts of problems ? "
" Well, problems like this billeting
cheque. And then there 's the question
of postal orders — postal orders for 4s. 6d.
We are all being continually stuck
with postal orders for 4s. Gd. They
come back as discount or in payment
of a year's rent for the telegraph pole
in the garden or as a dividend on a
rubber share. Sinclair gets lots of
'em in return for little second-rate
lawyer's jobs. You get 'em, Harvey, in
the form of a year's royalty on your
latest book. Of course we all save them
up — or rather we used to save them up
— on the off-chance that we should have
to pay a bill of the same amount. But
it wasn't any good. The bills we had to
pay were always for 3s. *M. or for 5s. 9<Z.
And at last we got so sick of them that
we longed to chuck them in the fire,
but we are none of us rich enough to
begin doing that sort of thing. We
were sometimes reduced to cashing
them in the end. But now ! For my
part I keep a permanent envelope,
addressed to the National Fund, and
stick them in there and send it off at
the end of the month. Did you notice
that it had passed the five million
mark ? "
"I'll try that," said Sinclair. "I
have several drawers full of them at
home."
"Then there's treasure," Henry
went on. " Suppose you find a fiver in
the street or happen to dig up a purse
of sovereigns in the garden. It puts
you ( if you have a conscience ) in a
confoundedly awkward position. At
least it used to do. But now we know-
where to send them."
" I shall have to go by the early train
to-morrow, Mrs. Harvey," said the
Reverend Henry abruptly, " and I have
never yet confessed that I have broken
that Sevres vase in my room. I am
really very sorry, hut it will be all right.
You will find my cheque ( made payable
to the National Fund ) in an envelope
under my tooth glass."
"By 5.30 o'clock p.m. Mrs.
s spacious
drawing room was already filled by the guests.
There was the usual tea-drinking with its
accompaniment of pleasant talks and laughter,
which wore only interrupted by the songs of
musical ladies and gentlemen."
Xi-jerian Pioneer.
Africa has furnished nothing new on
this occasion.
126
rUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AUGUST 11, 1915.
WINDING UP OUR WATCH.
(A Little Leetun en tin- ll'nr after the
style of " The ,S>r/ itor.")
IT is our national liabit to wind up
our watches before we go to bed. So
deeply is this custom rooted in the
British eluinu-ter that it is safe to
assert that on any given evening, in the
• rity of the better-class bedrooms
in the Metropolis, this rite is being
performed at the close of the day. A
man will take his watch from his
pocket and the key from the dressing-
table drawer, unless his watch
is "keyless," and with an
absent-minded air will — well,
wind it up. Even in quite
unfamiliar surroundings — in
the state-room of a steamer
or the sleeping-car of a Con-
tinental express — an English-
man seldom forgets to wind
his watch. The thing is so
well established that it is held
in certain cases to be a test of
sobriety ; it is only when a
man has lost control over him-
self that the rite is omitted.
It is quite a distinctive
national habit. A Frenchman
or a Swede will often usefully
employ his spare moments
with his watch-key. Who has
not seen passengers waiting,
for instance, at the Gare de
Lyons for their train, taking
out their watches and wind-
ing them up ? If, and when,
the foreigner finds himself in
a theatre queue or is kept wait-
ing on a door-step or has to
fill in an interval between
courses at table d'hdte, he
winds his watch. But John
Bull waits till the last moment
of the day. It is one of our
most striking manifestations
of insularity, like catching a
train at a run, like spare
bedrooms, like the hat -rack -
in the hall. (We hope some day
soon to do one of our Little Lectures
on the Hat-rack in the Hall.)
In the supreme moments of his fate
a man will not act with any fresh
extraneous impulse or display an un-
wonted trend of behaviour. His actions
are rather en the lines of intensified
habit (as we observed three years ago
in dealing with the coal strike. Our
readers are certain to remember the
phrase and we cannot do better than
repeat it). It is the same with a nation.
In our present predicament we cannot
Lope to show the stolid fatalism of the
Japanese or the sunny insouciance of
the Spaniard. We can only reproduce
our peace-time qualities on a grander
scale. What we are doing now, as a
nation, is to wind up our watch at the
last moment.
It is painfully true that it is the last
moment, the very latest, ultimate, final,
terminal minute of the eleventh hour.
But all the same we may rest assured
that we are winding it up. We might
— and of course we should — have
wound it up after the fall of Antwerp.
We might assuredly have begun to
wind it up after the bombardment of
Dunkirk. We might at least have got
out the key after the sinking of the
' PORTER, SIR?"
Lusitania. But that is not John Bull's
way. There is no need to repine. We
must get things done as best we can,
however much better it would have
been to do them otherwise. Let us
rather record the fact with humble
satisfaction that the watch is being
wound at last.
It is a terribly close shave. It is
now an open secret that we are at this
moment escaping by the skin of our
teeth from a series of hideous calami-
ties. We cannot specify them here.
Above all it is our duty to be nebulous
and vague. But all the world knows
that if we had not bsstirred ourselves
exactly as we have bestirred ourselves
in the very nick of time our prospects
now would be black indeed. As far as
we can estimate (and you may rely as
usual upon our estimates), if a csrtain
threatened new offensive against our
lines had begun as early as 10 A.M. on
the morning of last Tuesday week we
should have been in desperate straits.
It is not yet ready to begin. After a
very careful survey of the progress of
the Eastern campaign and a considered
appreciation of the German offensive
there, we are able to state with some
confidence that this Western offensive
will not be launched sooner than the
afternoon or evening of Mon-
day, August 16th, and if all
goes on as we expect we shall
be in a safe position to meet it
by midday (Greenwich time)
on the 13th. It is very fortun-
ate. We. do not, of course,
deserve to do any good, but
British luck and British re-
liance upon domestic habit in
the individual is just going to
pull us through yet again.
We hate to prophesy — al-
though we are always at it —
I but we are inclined to hazard
the forecast that any dispas-
sionate and well-informed ob-
server who surveys the exact
position on, let us say, the last
Tuesday in August, or better
still perhaps the following
day, will recognise that we
have rightly diagnosed a
rather obscure development
and that (with very little to
spare) the nation has rounded
the corner.
We shall have wound up
our watch ; and when it is
wound up (unless it is allowed
to fall on the floor or is thrown
out of the window or meets
with any other incidental
calamity) we may be certain
that the watch will go, and
will net cease to go till we
- have reached a victorious
issue. But one last word of warning.
Our metaphor — for the first time, as
far as we can remember — is not
quite perfect. For when the watch
is finally wound up it would indeed be
fatal if the nation got into bed and
went to sleep.
From a War-lecture programme : —
"Colonel Frederic Natuseh Maude, O.B.,
the eminent military critic, was born in 1874,
and educated at Wellington College and the
Royal Military Academy, Woolwich, on the
staff of which he afterwards served. He
entered the Royal Engineers in 1873."
Some of the other experts consider that
the gallant Colonel took an unfair ad-
vantage of them in starting his military
education before he was born. •
AUGUST 11, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CIIARIVAIM.
127
CHATTO AND THE PESSIMIST.
[ / Vs.s'tmi,1;/ : "One who has something wrong
with his fuel." — Cnknoirn Nrlimil Genius.]
His mouth was like twenty-five
seven on a long-faced clock. He was
at his usual game spreading dumps
over the widest area ho could reach.
The rain was falling pitilessly; the
hotel verandah was full ; spirits were
low; the Pessimist alone seemed cheer-
ful. He had the company held by his
glittering eye.
" Just the weather for the Germans,"
he croaked ; " it helps them with their
poison gas."
This bright thought appeared to
cheer him, but the little yellow opti-
mist in the cage above his head
stopped abruptly his tune of hope and
brighter skies to come. His wooden
brother in the Swiss clock seemed to
be making frantic efforts to burst forth
and say something, but subsided with
a rusty brrrr of disgust. The stream
of poison gas went flowing on —
Warsaw having now fallen, the turn
of Petrograd would come. General
von Schtuffenheim, the grandest strate-
gist in the world, was planning a
swift raid upon Odessa. The British
working-man was in German pay,
as were Bulgaria and Eoumania.
All three would soon throw off their
mask, and so would President WILSON.
The Germans were fitting up every
ship in their Navy with a gun which
could drop shells from Antwerp into
the harbour of Gibraltar, and where
should we be then ?
We gave it up, and one old lady
began to cry quietly into her handker-
chief. We should then have been
entertained with the incompetence of
everything British and the never-to-be-
sufficiently-admired foresight of every-
thing German, had not Chatto burst
in upon the gloom like a respirator.
" Hallo, Gargoyle," cried he, " at it
again ; cheering up the young and
making merry the hearts of the aged !
How 's the gout ? "
The Pessimist replied with a sigh
that it had partly left his toe, but that
he was feeling twinges in the knee.
"A very bad sign," said Chatto in
his most sepulchral voice. " [t is
striking upward to the brain. That 's
the way my poor Uncle George went,
or at least would have gone, had he not
taken it in time and stayed in bed.
That's where you ought to be tin's
blessed minute, instead of rattling away,
the life and soul of a merry company,
on a damp draughty verandah. You
are looking frightfully bad, old fellow.
Isn't he ? " he appealed to us all.
We all hastened to assure Mr. Gar-
Grocer's Wife. " Yon 'LL EXCUSE
JOINED THE NATIONAL PRKSKRVKS."
ME SERVIH' TOO TO-DAY, Miss.
'UBBAHD'I
The Pessimist was frightened. " I
have never seen such a fellow as you,
Chatto," he grumbled. " In you come
and scare the lot of us out of our lives
with your confounded pessimism. I
shan't go to bed."
But Chatto knew his man and stuck
to him. He was soon able to lead a
cowed Pessimist gently inside, en-
couraging him witli murmurs of, " A
week in bed will pass like a dream.
Plenty of hot mustard ! "
Before parting, Chatto winked upon
the assembled company and said,
You mustn't mind anything he's been
saying to you. He 's a dear old chap —
I 've known him for years. He 's all
right, but " — and here ha tapped his
forehead significantly — "he thinks he's
goyle that he was looking ghastly. | the editor of The Daily Mail."
Here the sun came from behind a
cloud ; the old lady put down her hand-
kerchief and smiled again ; the canary
resumed grand opera, and tho ouckoo
burst forth from his chalet and crowed
defiantly thirteen times.
From Company Orders : —
"Any man wishing to make any alteration
in their next-of-kin must send in a notification
to Orderly Boom by 5 p.m."
Suggestion for a recruiting-poster: " If
you don't get on with your relations
join the Army and change them."
" Sir Arthur Markhain, M.P., still harping
on the old pun, as was said of Sir*. Guru-
midge." — Mansfield Reporter.
Mrs. Ramsbotham protests at this in-
fringement of her ancient prerogative.
128
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
H, 1915.
THE COUNTRY COTTERS.
in.
Yor SII.I.Y IDIOT, — Why on eartl
didn't you tell me you kept wasp:
down here? I had no idea you wen
in for such a liobby. But why is you;
\rspiary at the bole of the apple-tree
immediately outside the BJtting-ropn
window ? Have you any specific ohjec
tion to my drugging it and removing i
to a nice empty hole at the back of the
wood-shod ? I will then revive it witl
mtl-rnhttili; and inform the neighbour;,
that the change of premises does no!
menu any suspension of the regulai
business; and that they may be stung
from 9 A.M. to 7 P.M. as heretofore.
I am emboldened to suggest this
alteration because yesterday morning
at breakfast, the window being open to
admit jwlml my Sussex draught, one ol
your wasps wanted the honey at the
same moment that I did. Joan, who
is no vespiphile, flicked her table-
napkin and said, " Shoo ! " The wasp
must have misunderstood her, for it
immediately settled on the back of my
hand and sat down on its pointed end.
The result was that I said " Help ! "
though Joan makes out that I muted
the final letter.
Unfortunately wo had brought no
ammonia with us. The nearest ap-
proach to that useful alkali that we
possessed was a bottle of ammoniated
quinine, some of which I applied faide
dc mieux. I can't tell whether it did
any good or not, because I don't know
what would bave happened if I had
not applied it. Joan thinks the wound
would have " gathered," but I imagine
she is confusing a needlework term.
Now you know why I want to move
your wasps, Peter. The alternative is
to eat our honey elsewhere. But bread
and honey is so essentially a parlour
dish (has it not as such long since
received the cachet of royal example ?)
that to eat it in the scullery, say, or
in one of the bedrooms, seems to me
seriously malapropos.
You may be interested to know that
our honey was a local industry. None
of your New Zealand frozen honey for
us, my boy ! We bought it in the village,
it a most unpretentious little shop.
Its one window contained a cucumber,
'he butt-end of which was immersed in
: jam-pot of water, and four round
;lass jars containing respectively bulls'-
syes, Pontefract cakes (wh'ich badly
needed repolishing), nothing, and
' Windleton Mixture." There was also
i card displayed bearing the legend —
HONEY FROM OUR OWN BEES
RUN OB COMB.
"I should like some of that honey,"
I remarked to Joan one day as we were
passing the shop. " But what does
run or comb ' mean ? Is there a dis-
tinction in honey
as there is in butter
with the munitions, and attend the
Arsenal over the week-ends — just to
— fresh or smoked?" Joan explained.
" Anyhow, we '11 have it in the comb,"
she said; "then if we find we don't
like it in that form we can run it.
run honey, and we
we want it in the
Whereas if we buy
find that, after all,
comb —
Now, Peter, an idea has occurred to
me. Do wasps make anything? I
can't recall any mention of it in Lord
AvEHL'BY, but I have a sort of notion
that they make frumenty. (Joan says
that frumenty is a disinfectant.) At
any rate there is the idea in my mind,
and what possible object should I have
in imagining that wasps make frumenty
f they don't ? What I wish to do,
;hen, is to have a card printed to hang
in the sitting-room window :—
FRUMENTY FROM OUR OWN WASPS
THICK OR CLEAR.
Meanwhile, let me know if I can send
you some, at the same time not forget-
;ing to cut ' hole in card in order to
ndicate size of mouth.
I much regret to say we were un-
successful in our attempt to procure
you the asparagus-servers and the
icent-bottles offered in the Lawn
Tennis Tournament. Joan attributes
our failure to the fact that whenever it
was my service I played the Ruy Lopez
;ambit (six balls in the net and two in
he Vicar's orchard) ; while I put it
down chiefly to Joan's persistently
)laying the " nullo " game. Even so,
his is hardly sufficient to account for
>ur being defeated six-love in two con-
iecutive
abbits.
sets
The
by a
truth
brace of
that
our
sheer
op-
>onents' strong point was their appall-
ng feebleness, and I tell you without
hanie, Peter, that to be served soft
under-hand lobs without a soitjx'on of
googly ' about them by a left-handed
.uctioneer clad in a pink shirt, grey
lannel trousers, plimsolls, and a straw
lat with a hat-guard, absolutely de-
noralised its, who have spoken to
oioiiE and RITCHIE (" Oh, good return,
5ir!" from the covered stand). The
buctioneer's partner was of that
leophytic type, that " also serve," but
hiefly "stand and wait"; but I am
old that she does a great amount of
*ood amongst the poor in the village.
And now I regret (yet also rejoice)
o say something else : I am obliged to
ring my tenancy of " The Yews " to a
'i-emature close to-morrow, Friday. I
uite forgot to tell you, when I entered
nto treaty with you for the occupation
of these premises, that I bad previously
offered to give LLOYD GBOHGK a hand
keep an eye on the other fellows, ami
see that they only went out to lunch a
reasonable number of times. ' Well,
while, I have been writing'this letter to
you an urgent message has come in-
viting me to present myself at the
Arsenal on Saturday afternoon next.
Joan is certain that if I fail to appear
I shall be shot at daybreak, and my
funeral, she says, would just now cause
a great deal of unnecessary incon-
venience ; and I am inclined to agree
with her. Under these- circumstances,
Peter, I am sure you will not insist on
my completing my sentence, and I
have therefore calculated that I owe you
for ten days' accommodation (reckon-
ing day of arrival and day of departure
as one day), which, at the rate of a
pound a week, works out at £1 8.s. (>"<7.
accordingly enclose my cheque for
£1 8.s. Gd. together with a bun (we
bought seven for sixpence this morn-
ing), which is the only way I can'think
of to settle this vulgar and objection-
able fraction.
Trusting that my cheque will be
honoured with all that old -world cour-
tesy for which the Bank of England is
noted,
I am, Ever your grateful ex-tenant,
OSWALD.
A SHELL-TURNER TO A SHELL.;
LISTEN, you that 's done for me !
Here's one whose heart's with;
FRENCH'S
Khaki lads, and mad to see
The fireworks in the trenches,
Stuck at home along o' you —
You '11 have to go and fight for two.
I was for the Front at first ;
But, since the Bosches voted
You was what they needed worst,
To please 'em I 'm promoted
Where I drill and turn recruits —
The sort an eighteen-pounder shoots.
Well, good-bye. I '11 bid you luck
And wish 'twas me was started ;
Tell the boys the way I 'm stuck
And not to be down-hearted ;
When you're in the firing line
Remember that your share is mine.
In the breech and tucked up tight —
Then bang! and off you're hum-
ming ;
Guess I 've done my hit all right
And now there's your turn coming;
Burst for England, good and hot,
And show the dirty beggars what !
"GERMAN SUBMARINE SAID
TO S1NO IN NORTH SEA."
Nelson Daily Xcit's.
The Hymn of Hate, we presume.
AUGUST 11, 1915.]
PUNCH, OB THK LONDON CHARIVARI.
129
Mother.
SCENE.— Youthful 2nd Lieutenant trying on his new uniform, which has just arrii-eil.
•I DON'T LIKE ALL THAT DECORATION ON THE SLEEVE, DEAB. COULDN'T YOU HAVK IT TAKEN OFF?'
GABRIELLE. ,
TIIKY are over now, those evenings
when I sat by my open window and
Gabrielle sang to mo in the gloaming.
But sometimes still, when the sun lias
sunk below the western edge and
the daylight slips into dusk, I lie
back in my chair and close my eyes
and conjure up the memory of her
voice.
It was always the same song that
Qabrielle sang a song without words,
sweeter, subtler far than anything that
Mi MIKI.SSOHN ever wrote. Hers was
a voice to hear once and dream of for
ever, a voice of little volume, at its
strongest just a fragile ecstasy of
melody, yet ringing clear and pure,
like the echo of a rim of fairy glas's
smitten with a thread of silver. But it
was in its softer notes that it was most
wonderful. Even now 1 can hear their
sustained sweetness as they fell faintly
and more faintly still on the ear, till at
length they soared and died on the last
frail gossamer stair between sound and
silence. So sang Gabrielle, invisible
always. Yes, I never saw her, though
I could well picture her • as I knew she
must bo, slender and petite in form, her
eyes and face aglow with the rapture
of the music that was her life.
And then very simply, very sadly,
the end came. There seemed no sound
in all the world that night, that rose-
fragrant night in June, save the voice
of Gabrielle singing to me in the
shadows. For awhile I sat and listened
motionless, fearing to break the spell ;
but at last in a moment of forgetfulness
1 raised my hand to the cushion behind
my head. Heaven knows I never
meant it as a gesture of invitation, yet
as such must my singer have inter-
preted it. She came. Swift as a wave
to the shore, straight as a swallow to
its nest, Gabrielle came to me. It was
a brief meeting. Stung with a stab of
pain, I dashed my hand wildly down,
and all that was left of her was a small
Iwown smudge upon the window-sill.
She had gone, my Gabrielle — gone, I
trust, where all the good gnats go.
THE GERMAN HIGH SEA FLEET;
THEY call me " Fleet," you understand1,;
For being rather slow ;
" Sea" for manoeuvring overland,
And " High " for lying low.
I hope to keep ten keels for one
Some Day — no matter when ;
Meanwhile there 's nothing to be done
But keep one Kiel for ten.
"Miss , graceful in black over white,
with a collier of widewhito tulle fastened with;
a diamond clasp rouud her long slim neck,"
The Lady.
No wonder he did not want to go back
to work.
An extract from Battalion Orders :
"G. EQUIPMENT. — Mr. , Accoutrement
Maker, from Woolwich Arsenal, has arrived
here to instruct the Battalion in the Repairing
&, Fitting of the 1914 Pattern Equipment,
which will last about 2J days."
It seems about time to issue the more
durable 1915 pattern.
130
PUNCH, OR TIIE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AUGUST 11, 1915.
- * - G -
HOW TO END THE WAR.
Gertrude. "WHAT A PITY THE GERMANS CAN'T SEE AUNTIE ! THEY 'D BE TICKLED TO DEATH.'
"THEY- ALSO SERVE."
To THE OFFICERS AND MEN OF THE GRAND FLEET.
[" Week by week they are waiting for a chance which never comes.
Some of them, to the envy of their comrades, have had their day — in
the Dogger Bank, the Heligoland Bight, the Falkland Islands, the
Dardanelles. But for most of them 'the day 'is still to came. It is
impossible to describe tha strain of Waiting for it."
Tiie ArchbisJiap of York in " The Times."] •
THE saucy Arethusa met the warships of the foe,
And the Lion and Undaunted helped to send them down
below,
But remember, oh, remember, while we make their praises
ring,
That the men who do the waiting also serve our Lord the
KING.
The Emden kept things lively from Seychelles to Singapore,
Till the Sydney found her at the game and settled up the
score ;
But don't forget the others, when you cheer the victors'
pluck,
For the men who do the waiting haven't had the Sydney's
luck.
VON SPEE was smiling broadly when he neared the Falk-
land Isles,
But he hadn't made allowance for our gallant STI/RDEE'S
wiles,
So he and his went under — and we cheered to hear the
news,
Yet the men who do the waiting are as stout as STURDEE'S
crew-.
The British Tiger ramped and roared. Their cruisers
wouldn't wait ;
They scuttled hard for port and left the Bluccher to her
fate.
Here 's to our tars who braved the foe amid the bursting
shell — •
But the men who do the waiting, they deserve our thanks
as well.
They are ready, yes, and longing for the signal to advance,
But they haven't yet been given all the other fellows' chance.
They fret to join the melee, they are eager for the call ;
And the men who do the waiting have the hardest job of all.
But the " Day " is not far distant when the thunder-roll
shall peal,
And the German fleet to meet their foe shall follow out of
Kiel;
Tl 10 guns shall lift their voices in irrevocable blast —
Then the men who do the waiting will have got their
chance at last.
"Belgium is for the moment a nation without a fatherland; but
the soul of the nation is living still, is living in her brave soldiers,
is living in King Albert, who has shown to the modern world what
can be done by a Nero-King." — Dundee Evening Telegraph.
Our contemporary is in error ; it is another monarch
who has shown the world that.
" At the inquest on the mate of the steamer Torquoise, which has
been sunk, three men were hit by shells." — Greenock Telegraph.
The Coroner ought not to have allowed it.
PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— AUGUST 11, 1915.
AFTER ONE YEAR.
AUGUST 11, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CIIAUIVALU.
133
HUMOURS OF A REMOUNT DEPOT.
Officer (to lately joined Recruit). "JusT BRING our THAT MULE, WILL YOU? AND DON'T GET HURT."
THE WATCH DOGS.
XXV.
MY DEAR CHARLES, — We have moved
along again and have struck a new joy
in life. It was one of those quiet and
ostentatiously peaceful afternoons in
the trendies, upon which anything may
happen anywhere, at any time, and it is
just as well to stay in your dug-out
lost it happen on or ahout you. I was
lying " at homo," but, no callers arriving
and the harmonious drone of a thousand
local blue-bottles producing its inevit-
able effect, I was just about to enjoy
an hour or two of the best when I was
aroused by a knocking on the floor. I
am not used to being approached in
this indirect manner, so rathev than
invite the knocker to come in, I myself
went out. Being unable to obtain
redress from our own people, I sought
out an U.K. officer, whom I knew to
reside in our alley for no honest pur-
pose. Most of the worst machinations
of the Devil are worked, in warfare,
through the K.E., and I had no hesi-
tation in accusing him of having either
instigated his own men or provoked
the enemy's into this rude and unscru-
pulous disturbance of my peace of mind
and body from underneath. The E.E.
officer, a genial villain, told me all about
it, but was not, as far as I could see,
ashamed of himself.
It appears there is a class of English-
men to whom even the present methods
of trench warfare are not satisfying.
Whereas the average infantry-man is
content to fell hostile individuals, and
the average artilleryman doesn't par-
ticularly care whether he kills or not
provided he removes landscape, these
men have conceived such a dislike for
the enemy en masse that they must
needs remove them en masse. Un-
happily there is a class of Germans of
the same morbid disposition, but the
two lots hava not yet come to any
understanding of " live and let live " as
amongst themselves or concluded any
business arrangement to that effect.
To pop a head over the parapet, have a
shot and, if there is any head remaining,
to pop it down again is merely risky,
and therefore, as it is lacking in true
frightfulness, these engineers will have
none of it. They prefer to burrow in
an ominous silence and get at their
antagonists from underneath with a
thousand tons or so of blasting powder ;
but their chief delight is to discover
the other lot burrowing towards us,
with intent ; and, approaching them
with a smaller charge, to have under-
ground what they are pleased to call a
" blow," as opposed to the above-lx>ard
method known as a " show." When
an E.E. officer, using what to you or
me would seem a mild and inadequate
expletive, says, "Blow that German ! "
it is all up (literally) with the German
in question.
It is always possible, of course, for
one of our galleries to join up accident-
ally with one of theirs, although these
passages are but four feet by two. In
this connection my E.E. man told
me of an experience of his, occurring
upon one of his subterranean tours of
inspection ; but he did not tell me this,
God bless him, until I had got back
from my own tour. What happened
was this : turning a corner, he met a
German . . . That 's all ; is it not
enough ?
I was having tea in his dug-out when
my informant told me all this. Ho
spent most of his time sitting on a large
tin case, smoking contentedly. Common
politeness demanded that I should en-
quire as to the contents of the tin ; the
sound of the scientific name of the stuff
134
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AUGUST 11, 1915.
would convey nothing to you, but the
sound of the stuff itself (when ignited)
would explain everything. I was about
1.1 ivbuke him sharply for (laving to
smoke in the presence of so vulnerable
an explosive when he went on to tell me
that the two little buttons at his side
had only to bo depressed to bring to a
climax arrangements which had been
made to elevate the very trenches I
occupy myself, when and if occasion
should demand. With me it was the,
work of an instant to decide that I
would do or deny myself anything to
keep in his best books.
The knocking I had heard was ap-
parently some way off and had already
been noted. The E.E. were reserving
the knocker's fate and leaving to him
at least the pleasure of doing the bulk
of the burrowing. As events turned
out, the noises ceased altogether while
they were waiting, from
which they concluded that
the work was complete and
the charge laid. ' This they
proved by some burrowing
of their own, conducted,
no doubt, very gingerly.
Having discovered the ac-
tual charge and for all their
professional knowledge of
the touchiness and temper
of the creature, they pro-
ceeded (in my absence) to
remove it. Conceive the
delightful sequel ! Some
evening every available man
over the way would be
assembled in the first line
trenches, craning his neck
to witness our departure at
schedule time. At the ap-
pointed hour the German Engineer-
General, whose part in the business
would be confined to this ceremony,
would arrive with his minions, of
whom one would carry the hand-
somely-engraved switch-board, and the
rest would quarrel for the honour of
joining up the connection. He would
make a short speech, modestly referring
to the efficiency of his preparations
and the completeness of the approach-
.ng crisis, insisting finally on the need
'or hate and more hate and yet more
late. The local Army, Army Corps,
Divisional and Brigade Commanders
would have sent " Pass Memcs " sup-
jorting the resolution and anticipating
ihe most beneficial results from coming
svents. Finally, amidst the deadest
and tensest silence possible, would take
)lace the tremendously impressive and
significant ceremony of the Pressing of
he Button, the whole affair concluding
n an overwhelming nil.
The men deal with this new phe-
lomenon, as with all others, by song.
To do this needs but a slight adaptation
of old words, and so, when the rumour
goes round that sounds have been heard
and we may ascend skywards at any
moment, the company clusters round
its Sargeant-Major and sings, with
pathetic insistence, " Don't go up in
the mine to-night, Daddy ! "
Having indented for every conceiv-
able tiling a soldier can possibly want
or wear, all forms of uniform and
equipment, arms and tools, we had the
bright idea of indenting in an entirely
new line. We indented for men, and
in due course" these arrived from our
base companies, their faces reminding
us of those good old days in England
when our military operations were con-
fined to dealing with an enemy who
either did not retaliate at all or, at the
worst, did so with blank ammunition.
Upon their arrival they were inspected
INVASION.
MR. WAOFORD (whose son IMS sent him Jiome a souvenir from tJie field
of battle) WILL HAVE HIS JOKE.
by our old friend Smithson, in the
absence of senior officers. He expressed
himself (and obviously was) delighted
with their appearance, but his pleasure
was mostly due to the discovery of one
Private Trotter in their ranks. Imagine
the feelings of that unhappy man,
already sufficiently depressed by his
first realisation of the dangers and dis-
comforts of war, to find himself being
inspected — closely inspected — and re-
collected by an officer from whom he
had, five months ago, borrowed ten
shillings and never repaid same. Of a
hard world, Charles, Flanders is not
the softest part.
Yours ever, HENKY.
UNFIT.
THE conversation turned inevitably
to the subject of the War. We had
not been introduced for many minutes
before I found myself telling her — I
am afraid I have a habit of telling
people — that my three sons were at the
Front and that one of them had been
mentioned in despatches.
" How proud you must be of them!"
she said, with real feeling. I am, and
I said so.
" You will always be able to think of
what they did for their country all your
life," she said, and then, after a pause,
she continued almost to herself, " And
what shall I have to think of my son
I had not known her it) be mother
of a son at all, but I felt sure she could
never be the mother of a slacker. I
looked up at her inquiringly.
" Oh, it isn't his fault that he's doing
nothing but eat and drink and amuse
himself during this great crisis. He 'd
be no good in the field," she said sadly.
I didn't like to be too curious — we
were comparative strangers — so I sug-
gested munitions rather feebly.
" Oh, that would be no good. He
knows nothing of engineer-
ing or things of that sort.
He has never applied him-
self consistently to any-
thing for any length of
time."
I began to feel sorry fur
her.
"But why can't he en-
list?" I asked. "Is he
medically unfit ? "
"The fact is," she said,
" he could never stand the
marches. He 'd never walk
a yard in Army boots."
" But has he tried, has
he done his best ? " I asked
warmly.
" Oh, it would be no
use his trying," she said.
" Besides, Army focd would
kill him."
I knew the type of young man now
and despised him heartily. I felt sorry
for his mother, but wondered if she
were not a little to blame ; after all, his
upbringing — still I coald riot suggest
that to her. But I persisted.
" Have Army doctors disqualified
him ? " I asked.
"No," she said, "but our own
medical man says his chest measure-
ment is insufficient — and then he 's
below the regulation height too."
" The Bantams," I began.
" It 's all no use," she said sadly and
as if to dismiss the subject. But it
was one on which I, the father of three
soldiers, felt strongly.
" I suppose he would do his bit if he
could ? " I asked.
" He would indeed," she said enthusi-
astically, " but he 's so helpless. All
he can do is to bang a drum, and that
he does most thoroughly' and con-
scientiously. You see," she ended,
smiling, " he 's only two years old."
ciusT 11, 1915.]
PUNCH, ou Tin-: LONDON CHARIVARI.
135
Rural Constable. "SKETCHING THE HARBOUR is FORBIDDEN, SIR."
Artist. "Os, THAT'S ALL EIGHT. I'M MAKING 'A STUDY OP CLOUDS."
It. C. (impressively). "An! BUT SUPPOSIN' YOUR PICTURE GOT INTO THE HANDS OP THE ENEMY'S AIRCRAFT DEPARTMENT, BEE THE
USE THEY COULD MAK£ OF IT 1 "
DEFAULTERS.
FOR an extra drink
Defaulters we,
We cuts the lawn in front of the Mess ;
We 're shoved in clink,
Ten days C.B.,
And rolls the lawn in front of the
Mess.
We picks up weeds
And 'urnps the coal ;
We trims the lawn in front of the Mess ;
\\c 're plantin' seeds,
Tho roads we roll,
Likewise the lawn in front of the Mess.
The Officers they
Are sloshin' balls
On the lawn we've marked in front of
the Mess ;
And every day
Our names they call
To rake the lawn in front of the
Mess.
And once a while
They 'as a " do "
On the lawn in front of the Officers'
Mess.
Ain't "arf some style,
Band playin' too,
On our b'oomin' lawn in front of the
Mess.
They dances about
And digs their 'eels
In our lawn in front of the Officers' Mess;
There ain't no doubt
As 'ow we feels
For the lawn in front of the Officers'
Mess.
The turf 's gone west,
And so you see
There ain't much lawn in front of the
Mess.
We does our best,
Gets more C.B.,
And mends the lawn in front of the
Mess.
The C.O., who
Sez "e can see
We loves the lawn in front of the Mess,
"E knows this too —
Without C.B.
There "d be no lawn in front of the Mess.
For our Soldiers and Sailors.
At the personal request of the POST-
MASTER-GENERAL, Mr. Punch reminds
his readers that books and magazines
may be presented at any Post Office
for distribution among our Soldiers
and Sailors. They should not have
any address or wrapping, but simply
be handed over the counter, and the
Post Office will do the rest.
In the circumstances no acknowledg-
ment will be expected by those who
make these offerings; but they may
be sure that their gifts will be put to
the best use, and .will be appreciated;
by those on whom the long hours 'of
waiting would else hang very heavily.
136
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AUGUST 11, 1915.
THE SKIPPER.
(A Sketch fnim the Front.)
THKHH never was such a one us c.ur
Skipper (tlie name by which we always
call the Captain of our Company—
;"B" Company, if you please). A
more unmilitary figure probably never
was seen, and many have been the
wafers that his circumferential ex-
ceeded his longitudinal measure, whilst
ho himself has been heard to deplore
his contours. An old campaigner, he
trod the veldty wastes of tlie Transvaal
during the South African campaign,
but, like a true soldier, he never dwells
on the subject. His age might he any-
tiling from thirty-five to forty-two. He
swears like a Colonial— on occasions —
but represses any disposition to emulate
his example on the part of his
subalterns, maintaining that it
is the prerogative of the OyC.
Company. His own extenuation
is forthcoming in the cryptic
utterance that it is necessary
for him to " Speakr a language
understanded of the people."
He came to us in the fall
of 1914 from another regiment,
after waiting — as he has re-
peatedly told us— a matter of
fourteen weeks for a "call,"
although packed with qualifica-
tions, having letters before his
name in the Army List and a
bewildering maze of others to
follow it. When he was posted
to our Company we tried to size
him up. Without any hesita-
tion we voted him a horseman
of parts (and weighty at that,
as his certified avoirdupois is
14 st. 10 lb.), for his legs were unmis-
takably parabolic, tuid we wondered
if we were going to lead- hi in the dance
we had certainly led his predecessor.
But our wond'dr was short-lived and
we gave him an early best.
Like all great men he has character-
istics peculiar to himself, -but does- not
affect the monocle— for which we were
devoutly thankful. His principal hall-
mark was a riding crop, from which he
never parted. It was indeed the feature
of the countryside where we were
billeted. But we had to get to the
trenches, and in front of them, for the
Skipper to come into his own. None
of us could understand why, but he
seemed to regard the ground between
our trenches and those of the Germans
as peculiarly and exclusively his. He
knows German like a native, and in
season and out of season, in wet weather
or fine, with the falling of the shades
of night came the call of adventure to
him, and off he would go, sometimes
with an escort for some of the distance,
and often without, and we would lose
sight and knowledge of him, till possibly
sturlled by the sounds of exploding
bombs and hurried firing of rifles; at
which happening our senior Subaltern
(whose love for the Skipper exceeds
the love of women) would proceed to a
sap head to await tidings, and later
welcome him and breathe a heavy
sigli of relief as the rotund and mud-
died figure of the Captain loomed
into sight.
It would require a book to detail all
the adventures of the Skipper in Tom
Tiddler's Ground — as we called it. His
lonely scrap with a big German patrol
he dismissed quite briefly. The bomb-
ing of enemy listening posts was too
common a feat to deserve mention.
What was, however, more to his taste
Skipper — yvho is a medico among his
other accomplishments — and off he
went to tend the wounded. Had you
been there, you would have screamed
with laughter to have seen him dashing
across an open space in full view of the
enemy, and accompanied by another
officer. They had not got half-way
when the other officer was "pinked"
in the leg. Quick as thought, the
wound was dressed in full view of the
enemy and under heavy and continuous
fire, the wounded was placed in a
position of concealment, and the Skipper
rolled on his way puffing like agrampus
and red as a lobster. The last part of
the journey ended with a road which
had to be negotiated and which was
swept by machine guns. He hesitated
here a second. His subsequent expla-
''/'. '
f/Zrss
nation was that he thought of
j his wife and boy at the time,
I but we are collectively of the
[opinion that he was out of
breath. Anyway, with a fly-
ing plunge and by a miracle he
reached the further side of the
road, pouring with perspiration
and trembling like a leaf, and at
once set to work to fight with
death in another form. Ah !
; the tenderness of those hands
! when ministering to the ' lacer-
i ated wounds of the poor brave
i fellows who had ''caught out."
For months past we have said
| to ourselves, "What of the Skip-
I per?" And now, lo and behold,
i we have it in black and white:
BOBBY, DO COME AND LOOK. HEKB'S ^He has been awarded the Mili-
Imaginative Sister.
BUCH A GOOD LIKENESS OP THE KAISER IN THE FIRE."
Practical Brother. "WAIT A MINUTE, Sis, WHILE I GO
AND FETCH MY SQUIRT I "
was a visit to the enemy trench, where
he bombed a' complete section and
brought back as trophies the contents
of an enemy's pockets, the enemy's rifle,
several-hair-brush bombs, and, what was
of greater import, valuable documents
and correspondence. His very first
day in the trenches was signalized by
a visit to the front to fetch in a shell
tary Cross. What deeds, we
are wondering, must be done
that shall merit the D.S.O. ?
What must man attain to; merit a
Victoria Cross?
He is, of course, glad. He says it
will give him a day or two home:with
his wife and boy, to whom he has never
failed to write daily since old England's
shores were left.
: Some of us believe the Skipper will
be a General some day. Some think
that had just fallen and failed to : he ought to be one now — but then, he
explode. Laughter tempered anxiety swears at times, and eschews tobacco,
at this essay, because, when he had
secured the shell, he found it almost
impossible to mount the parapst to
bring it in. Really, he looked very ! want to lose him.
and — we are sorry to say it — he would
be none too comfortable to get on with,
and, best argument of all, we don't
funny. Perhaps the Bosches laughed,
too, for their shots at him were wide of
the mark — which is saying something.
The Skipper was subsequently heard to
remark that one enemy shell was cer-
tainly equal to one Turkish bath, but
we never could fathom this utterance.
Testimonial quoted in a florist's cata-
logue :—
" I am very pleased with the lot of seeds I
There came on a day a severe ordeal, got from you recently. Everyone nearly came
The trenches on our left were f airly |UP-"
plastered with shell, and many brave [We wonder what he would have said if
fellows laid out. A call came to the i they had quite come Tip,
The' Skipper's wife has just sent us
ninety-nine pounds of acid drops. God
bless the Skipper !
i, rjir>.\
PUNCH, Oil TJIK LONDON CHARIVARI.
137
TIIH TYRANNY OF KAIJNG.
(lijl an. Inner Circle i .)
WIU:N, as Kvensong is pealing,
, . Campden Hill-war<U hound,
I desire to reach my shieling
My (lie I'l'dei-ground ;
As I liuiiilily stand, appealing
'J'o the indicator, " Haling "
Only can be foiiml.
Endless trains stream past IMC, dealing
Disappointment dire,
Bringing ni.'ithcr balm nor healing
To assuage my ire ;
For they 'repacked from Moor to ceiling,
And tin; elernal cry of " Killing ''
Sets my bruin on lire.
Ho 1 stand, my senses reeling,-
Anguish in my soul,
As. the trains with jolt und squealing
Ever onward roll,
Most conclusively revealing
That the whole world finds in Haling
Us appointed goal.
To the isle of Cocoa-Keeling
Were I forced to fly,
Or the hills of far Darjeeling
Tow'ring to the sky,
Whether walking, standing, kneeling,
They will haunt me, trains to Ealing,
Haunt me till 1 die.
THE MOTE AND THE BEAM.
"ExcusE me,"'. I said to the. man
standing by the big motor car, " but I
must ask you to reduce the power of
your head-lights. They .'re brighter
than the regulations permit."
" Indeed," he said rather severely.
" Do you know who I am ? " .
His tone rather vexed, me. " No," !•
said, " and I don't cave, .^ou may
rent a box at Covent Garden or a stall
in the Caledonian Market, but those
lights have got to come down.'!
" I lave they ? " he said. " Who says
so?"
" I do," 1 said. " Do you know who
1 am?"
"No," he said, "and 1 Who
are you, I mean ?.",'.
", One of the. Special Constables for
this Division," I said, drawing myself
up to the full extent of my new braces.
" I 'm a person to be reckoned with.
I could even ruii yt,u in. But; come,.
what) about these lights ? "
" Well, what do you want to do
about them ? "
";It isn't," I said, "what I want to
do about them ; it 's wliat I 've been
instructed to do."
"But what are your instructions?"
be said.
"Well," I said, "I'ni not quite
clear what 1 have, to .do, if you. decline
THE SPIRIT OF HIS ANCESTORS.
Visitor. " IT'S. A TERRIBLE WAB, THIS, YOCNG :MAS— A TERRIBLE WAR."
Mike. ';'Ti8-THAT, SOR — A TIUBIBLE WABB. • BUT 'TIS BETTER THAS -vo WARR AT AM..**
to lower the lights yourself. .1 take it
y.ou do decline?"
"Well," he said, "I admit I don't
want to do it."
" 1 ought;" I said, " to have some
written instructions on how to act, but
J haven't. I have a whistle, and
might call assistance, it 's true, but we
don't want a crowd round if we can
help.it, do wrc? "
" No," he said.
" I have it," I said. " If you wouldn't
mind staying here while I go to the
nearest police-station, the Inspector
will tell me what I ought to do next."
" Oh, I shan't inn away," he said.
" And you won't drive away in the
car? " I asked.
" No," he said.
"Look here," I said, "you seem a
decent chap for a motorist, and I don't
want to be severe.. Couldn't you bring
yourself to Jowerthem just the weeniest?
They 're only about twenty over-proof."
• "No," he said, "not the teeny-,
weeniest."
"Then," I said, "there's no help
for it. I'm off to the station. 1 have
your word ? "
"Certainly," he said. ,
I turned to go. " I say ! " he called.:
"Ah," I said, turning back with;
relief ; •" you relent ? "
" No," he said, " it isn't that. I .was
only going to say that here 's the owner,
of the car coming back, I think."
" The owner," I gasped. " Then who
are you?"
" Nobody in particular," he said,
smiling. " I 've just been waiting here!
all the evening for a friend who hasn't
turned up."
1GS
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AUGUST 11, 1915.
SOMMEVERE-EN-FRANCE.
ONLY Guillaumism, I felt, could have
pot ino to reside fur more than one night
in the little town of Sommevere-en-
France; but I am glad of the experience,
for the Sommeverians are a pleasant
placid folk with a pretty taste in open
fruit tarts, and for the cool of the even-
ing they can offer the stranger both a
river and a canal. Not an ordinary
canal, but a canal which runs right
away into the Detestable Land and, a
mile" from Sommevere, is so adventurous
as to leap across the river by a gleam-
ing white bridge. Upon the canal are
many barges, whose main function as
carriers being for the time suspended
now lie moored to the trees by the
bank, and shelter huge families of
refugees together witli dogs . of a
thousand-and-one strains.
Sommevere-en-France itself must be
one of the neatest provincial towns in
the world. Built by a monarch of
orderly mind though somewhat irregu-
lar habits_ (as one Diane de "Poictiers
could relate) it fulfils' a rectangular
plan. ' In the middle of it is a square ;
within that is a smaller1 square ,of lime
trees, whose branches have 'been se-
verely cut into cubes ; and in the middle
of that is a fountain. Frpm'this foun-
tain radiate the four principal streets.
The fountain itself, rather daringly
in such ' close proximity to the real
article, represents' the great and beauti-
ful and very green and now poignantly
historic river on which Sommevere-en-
France is situated as .a bronze lady : a
feat of imagery which," since the stream
can be seen only a few yards away,
has the effect of turning the. youth of
the town into either poets or, by way of
protest, realists, and suggests that some
limit of distance should perhaps be set
upon symbolic sculpture.
There, however, she stands, this
bronze lady, not much more motionless
than — especially .on Sundays and in
the evening — stand the multitude of
anglers on her river's actual banks. For
Sommevere-en-France fishes with a un-
animity and application such as I never
saw before. Every one fishes : old wo-
men fish ; young women ; mothers with
their children ; girls ; boys ; elderly men ;
the barber with the strabismus who is
so anxious to learn English ; the tall
man with one leg who manages his
bicycle so cleverly: all fish. After
five o'clock they are a5 sure to be by
the river as the bronze lady is sure to
be in the centre of the square. But,
most of all, the soldiers fish. Somme-
vere-en-France is packed with soldiers,
and every one has a rod. When work
is done they hold their rods over the
river with a pacific content that for the
moment reduces Guillaumism to a
ilream, a myth. But for that dread
menace they would not be there in such
numbers, it is truo, yet how can one
fear the worst so long as they angle,
these warriors, with such calm and
intensity ? It is not a sight to hearten
the WAH LOHD and send him to the
telegraph-office with a new message of
confidence to his sister of Greece and
a new postscript of affection for TINO.
No one, so far as I know, ever catches
anything; but what of that? It is
notorious that fishing and catching
fish can be totally opposed pursuits.
Nothing ever discourages or depresses-
the Sommevere enthusiasts. They fish
on; smoke on ; exchange jests and:
hopes. The barber, with his white
jacket and his ragged beard, who for
the most part has one eye on his float
and the other on the street whence
would come running the boy who
lathers the customers, may now -and
then examine his hook with a gesture
of surprise, but he is not really con-
cerned to find no fish squirming there.
Similarly, at intervals, evory soldier
withdraws his line to replenish his bait
or move his float ; but they too are not
downhearted. I say float, for it is all
that kind of fishing. No flies, no reels
even ; nothing but a rod, a piece of string,
a float, two split shots, a hook, and some
quite superfluous lure. A few more
imaginative minds add a landing-net.
I have sometimes wondered what would
happen if a fish with a sense of fun did
once permit itself to be drawn from the
river. Would they run as from a sea
serpent? I imagine them, en masse,
soldiers and civilians, old and. young,
stampeding to their cellars in terror.
"A fish! A fish!"
Sommevere has two hotels and
several cafes, one of which, by the
canal towpath.^where the weary horses
ploci, bravely calls itself the " Cafe de
Navigation." As for the others, they
are of the regular 'pattern — " de Com-
merce," "de Paris," and so forth. .It
also has many shops, for it is a centre
of an agricultural district, and farmers
and farmers' wives — chiefly farmers'
wives nowadays, for the farmers and
their men are away fighting GUILLAUME
— rely upon it for the necessities of life.
And mention of the shops reminds me
of one of my experiences in Sommevere
which I shall ever cherish, for I too,
finding myself one day also in want
of a necessity of life, entered the chief
ironmonger's and laid my need before
the assistant: a corkscrew. He dis-
played first one and then another, re-
marking that the second was "plus
siricux." It was, of course, the more
serious corkscrew that I bought.
" Great sensible land of France," I said
to myself as I bore away this precious
purchase, " where the words ' serious '
and ' corkscrew ' can be so naturally
allied, and soldiers can catch nothing
hour after hour in perfect content-
ment ! " For the rest of my life cork-
screws will fall into the two divisions —
serious and the reverse.
THE ADVENTURER,
IN Childhood's land of make-believe
I wandered long ago,
Content and keen to plan and weave
A constant shadow-show.
We prowled about like angry bears
Within the fire-guard dun,
And stole doll-children unawares
And rescued them again.
We 'd blaze each chair-leg forest-tree
To balk an Indian plot,
Or sail into an oil-cloth sea
•Upon the sofa-yacht ;
We made our captives walk the plank
Across the nursery tray,
And wrecked the bath-ship on the bank
Of bricks in Carpet Bay ;
But now, where City fetters cramp
My wayward feet, I slave ;
Electric is Aladdin's lamp,
The office is the cave.
Yet here, as in dear nursery days,
I roam adventuring;
And travel through uncharted ways
On Fancy's restless wing.
The marvels of the mystic East
I view in countless bales,
While cunning merchants hourly feast
My ears on fairy tales.
The ledgers tell a wild romance
Of galleons strangely lost,
Of traders that have' met mischance
When coral-reefs were crossed.
The wisdom of a thousand climes,
• The witchcraft of a few, ••
The glamour of the " good old times,"
The vigour of the new — •'
All these combine to weave for me,
Out of the rush and din,
Fair dreams of gallant days to be
And wonderlands to win.
APARTMENTS. — Wanted, One Bedroom and
Kitchen Board, three meals, five days ; four
meals, Sabbath; breakfast and supper on
Friday (hot supper with potatoes) ; hot dinners
each day, and chop and steak for breakfast
preferable ; all home comforts essantial.
Terms 10s. Id."— Shields Daily Gazette.
The advertiser must be a generous
fellow. Some people would have
wanted it all for 10,s. net.
AUGUST 11, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR -THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
139
Officer (to boy of thirteen who, in his effort to get taken on as a bugler, has given his age as sixteen).
WHO TELL, LIES? "
Applicant. "To THE FBONT, SIB."
'Do YOU KNOW WHERE BOYS GO
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
(By- Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)
OF the many books that have been already written about
the War and its causes, and of that greater number, at
which the imagination boggles, that will be written in the
future, I doubt whether any will have a greater significance
for the student than /"Accuse (HODDEB AND STOUGHTON).
The peculiar value of it, rightly emphasised by the
publishers, is that this doubly damnatory indictment of
the central Empires is written by one of their own citizens —
one, in short, who, despite what must be increasing tempta-
tions to belong to other nations, remains a German. Further
identification is not given, doubtless for reasons of common
prudence. One can well imagine that there are certain
quarters where no price would be thought excessive to
silence the tco candid tongue of this critic. His accusa-
tion, based indisputably upon facts and documents beyond
question, proves the blood-guiltiness of the German and
Austrian criminals with a logic that no impartial mind can
dispute. He shows, from their own actions as given even
in their oflicial reports, that it was the Governments of
Berlin and Vienna which, after long secret preparation,
deliberately unchained the present horror upon the world
at what they regarded as their most propitious moment.
In particular no one can fail to be impressed by the
measures they took to avert what at several moments must
have appeared to them the danger of a pacific solution to
the difficulties they had so sedulously fostered. J' Accuse
is not only an absorbingly interesting volume, but one of
great permanent value ; and its anonymous author deserves
the gratitude of all right-thinking men for the high moral
courage that has inspired his work.
One of the small grains of comfort which it is possible to
extract from the War is the fact that it must have acted as
a high explosive, blowing a great deal of nonsense out of
the heads of a particularly irritating class of the community
— the class which, before August, 1914, was wont to gather
together in little coteries and talk Art and admire itself and
behave generally as if it were the centre of an otherwise
uninteresting world. As one of the characters in Mr.
DOUGLAS GOLDRING'S It 's an III Wind (GEORGE ALLEN
AND UNWIN) puts it : " There will be a European war in a
fortnight. The importance of the small emotions of neurotic
young men and women will then be dwarfed." Adrian
Corbet was one of this class till the realities awoke him and
caused him to become a soldier instead of editing The
Monocle, a monthly magazine devoted to Literature and the
Arts, price 2s. Gd. net. War enabled him not only to find
himself spiritually, but to escape from the clutches of
Rose Harford, who was going to marry him, but, as soon
as hostilities began and the price of food started to go up,
elected to play for safety and become the mistress of a rich
man instead of the wife of a poor one. This is, I think,
Mr. GOLDBING'S first novel, and it is so well written that I
hope he will stick to fiction as his medium of expression.
None with his gift for characterization should limit himself
to verse and the essay. Even the smallest characters in
It 's an HI Wind are alive, and there are very few writers
140
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AUGUST 11, 1915.
who could have handled (lie development of Unite llarfortl • careful sketches of the lives of such men as LK CAUON.
with greater skill. I hope that the hook will not come : ANDHK and SCIIUUMKISTKH, hut the host .chapter in this part
under the head of the ninety-nine per cent, of fiction which j of his hook is." Mack and the Molly Maguires," which is as
in the present, troiihlous times " will automatically cease to ' exciting as any detective tale 1 have ever read. In discuss-
matter," for it deserves a hetter fate. I ing the secret services of various nations Mr. GRANT is still
entertaining, but when he states that the German-Americans
If it requires courage in a novelist—and I think it does of to-day are "Americans first and Germans last of all " he
file the apparently irreeoncilahle and to htiild a] strains my credulity. On the whole, however, his .matter,
linn hive story on no visible foundation, coupling together I though full of information, makes no great demands on
what must seem to he utterly incompalilile natures in a I one's powers of belief.
completely happy ever-after, without ever losing heart or.
showing any doubt as to the issue, then OiaVK WADSLEYj When pretty Paul/lie Coutl, newly an. orphan, came to
has proved her right to he serving in the trenches. Nor j take up her abode at her grandpapa's house she did not
does the miracle stop at her own belief in the event, for if | get much of a welcome, 1 am sorry to say; said grand-
I am an average reader (which 1 suspect to be the case) • papa being too old to endure worries more serious than
there will be very few persons inclined to find fault with ! beef-tea and Benger, or indeed to play any hut a
the romance of Ale.ra Cii.ttleinui/ne- and her gutter-bred, merely nominal -part in Mrs. MAHY E. MANN'S, latest
poetry-loving Bill, the boxing champion. Although a story, Grandpapa's Grand-daughter (MILLS AND BOON),
patrician of patricians, she allowed the boy to sweep her notwithstanding a place of honour in the title that surely
off her feet and marry her regardless; and it is all so demanded a reasonable degree of exertion. I'aitUiie's
satisfactory that, some
temporary disparities
notwithstanding, one
closes the book with j
no fears for the final i
welfare of these two •
nice' people. Really '
Conquest (CASSELL) is a
most compelling story,
despite the fact that
the War has inevitably
dwarfed one's interest
(supposing it ever
existed) in such things
as boxing contests andj
world championships.'!
I could wish indeed':
that the authoress hadij
got her effect of con-i
trast by some device;
lessliarsh than the set-i!
ting of her perfect lover;
in the prize-ring, yet,
"GosH, BILE! MY OLD WOMAN IWWLDX'T 'ALF COP IT IF I CAUGHT 'Yji
viuiv' OUT LIKE THAT 1 "
cousin Vivia too, the
only other surviving
member of the family,
j was not exactly cordial,
being at the moment of
arrival too busy danc-
ing with the footman.
And the authoress does
not stop even there, but
proceeds with consider-
able animation to join
Miss Vivia in a series
of rat hunts, otter hunts
and private interviews
with the estate agent,
so that I'aitlinf, who
poised her head proudly
and meant to keep folk
i n order, looked like
having a busy time.
Tilings did not improve
either when it came out
that the estate was so
_ .
seeing that her method has been successful, she may well' impoverished that someone simply had to marry a wealthy
uphold it; and beyond a Idoubt she has achieved something. I neighbour — fat, jolly and fifty odd he was — to save the
Her style of writing, too, apart .from some occasional situation. Vivia naturally woufd not ; Grandpapa naturally
unevenness, is of the ple^santest, and possesses the further could not; so who was there left? Pauline, as you might
and rare merit that it improves with the occasion. In expect, was much too conscientious not to. 'make (he
short,/tl>is is a hook my friends shall be told to read. 'attempt; and, strangely encnigh, it works out quite all
(right in the end. : How it' does it of course you must
When you begin a book with the expectation of being; read to discover,, but your: guesses will be getting very
bored to the snoring point and find yourself thoroughly -' ------ 4 ------ 1:^1-- ^--- \--A-- ^ i- • i • • i
interested and wideawake, it is well, I 'think, to admit the
fact. That was the effect that Mr. HAMIL GRANT'S Spies
inul Secret Sen-ice (GRANT RICHARDS) had upon me, and the
reason was that he does not devote himself excessively to
affairs of the moment,, but gives up a considerable portion
of his book to what I: may call the history of his subject.
The psychology of the spy is a complex Business, and'l
should imagine that rrjany of us have wondered how men
can be found to take part in what Mr. GRANT says is
" am3ng the most disreputable of all trades." That recruits
can easily be found for this hazardous service is due, he
states, to a kind of megalomania which induces people at
whatever cost "to be engaged, in no matter how lowly a
capacity, with men who direct important affairs, to associate
in more or less familial- fashion with celebrities." The spy
is then— in simple terms— a snob. Somehow or oilier J
had never thought he was so bad as that. Mr. GRANT gives
shrewd some little time befq're the finish, which indeed
comes desirably soon. The l?opk is not without its dramatic
moments, but is ioo slight and unreal to count for much
in these days. Frankly, -Mrs. [MANN spills a good deal too
much water in the milk.
" At.Christchurch Cathedral thiispnorniiig,the clergy of the Diocese
assembled to make a presentation t<j> Bishop Julius, oil the occasion of
the completion of his twenty-fifth; yfcir as Bishop of Christchurch. The
gift, a light pastoral stag, was brought in in Btoie."— Auckland Star.
Has the craze for " mascots '" spread from the Services to
the Church ?
" The Clunaandal came in on : Saturday afternoon with '25 baskets
of fish, averaging about 651b. eacluand only about 5 per cent, were
not edible. These were distributed among the hospitals."
Si/tl'tci/ Krening Neil'*,
On the theory that, as thej iatientS are ill, they maj as
well be very ill.
A i OUST IS, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
141
CHARIVARIA.
fNO to a Swiss telegram 1">()
swans belonging to tlio KAISKK have
just been killed at Potsdam because-
there was no longer any barley to give
them. His MVIKSTY is expected to
repair the loss by drafts from bis
abundant stock of geese.
The l\iilii/ni'lif /,fitiinij, in recording
Lieut. -Col. FKANCKK'S admission that
tl;e (lermans poisoned wells in South
Africa, t ranslates " arsenical sheep-dip "
by the word Vierstilz- — "rock-salt." A
many of the statemeiits of the
Zi'it/ut:/ require qualification
with a grain of this material.
*
An American journal states that baby
shows are being held in connection
with agricultural fairs and that " blue
ribbons are being awarded to babies as
v.i -II as to cabbages and pigs." Only
to those babies, we suppose, who have
given up the bottle.
1 in-ad tickets issued by the Concordia
spinning mills at Bunzlau (Prussia)
MI inscription iiiculcating economy
in the use of bread, and stating that
every slice saved shortens the duration
of the War. If this advice is acted
upon with sufficient thoroughness it
will certainly shorten the duration of
the Germans. ,,, ,,.
A Daily News corresponde'nt asked
a wounded soldier whether Lord
KITCHENER, who had spoken to him
when visiting the hospital, had told
him when the War would end. "No,"
•d the young private; "he asked
if 1 could tell him." Humour Stakes,
result : — KITCHENER, 1 ; Soldier, 2 ;
Correspondent, disqualified for boring.
* *
Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL is said to
be devoting his leisure to landscape-
painting. The particular artistic school
that, he favours is not publicly stated,
but we have reason to believe that he
intends to be a LEADER.
* *
••',*
What the shade of NAPOLEON re-
marked when he heard of the capture
of Warsaw: — "Mind the Steppe."
A Canadian officer, describing General
BE, says " he looked to me exactly
like an American politician." He
omits, however, to 7iiention the occa-
Bion on which the French generalissimo
xi!<l lie was too proud to fight.
* *
Borne surprise has been expressed that
the KAISEH should have selected Prince
JOACHIM as the ruler of the new King-
i dotii of Lithuania, and not one of his
elder sons. Possibly he thought it
hopeless for them to acquire the neces-
sary Polish. ... ..
The Archbishop of COLOGNI: sayi
that, on being congratulated upon bis
Ka^tern successes, tin; KAISF.K "turned
bis eyes to heaven with the most indo-
. 1 ile expression of inte7ise gratitude
and religious fervour." His latest
portraits show, however, that his
EEGISTBATION DAY AT THE
MONUMENT.
Enumerator (anxiously). "No ONE LIVING
ON TOP FLOOR HERE, I HOPE?"
moustachios now point in quite a
different direction.
* *
*
Many dear old ladies have been
greatly relieved by the news that a
regiment of Eussians is to be raised in
Canada. " So that 's where they went."
* :*
" Just as charity begins at home,"
says Count BEVENTLOW, " German over-
seas policy begins on the Continent."
And, like a good deal of charity, it
seems likely to end where it begins.
* ..*
From a recent discussion at the
Eoyal Botanic Society it appears that
this institution, intended to teach
botany, has of late years been kept
alive by dog-shows. In fact, if the dogs
bad not come to the Society, the S'
would have gone to the dogs.
Bed hair is notoriously unlucky, so
when the Turks renamed the Kltrfursi
i'ru'ilrich Wilhclm, purchased from the
Germans, the //•< ///. -A/m Barbarossa
they were asking for trouble twice over.
-.;: ;;:
The German Admiralty has publicly
complained that neutral inerchantmen
often paint the coloured signs indi-
cating their nationality so small as to
be unrecognisable at a distance. They
should remember that the Germans as
a nation are notoriously short-sighted.
' * '
" Because it has imagination this
little piece, "says the Chronicle, "thrills
in a more real and authentic way than
any other Guignol playlet we remember.
It should be seen if only for Gouget's
amazing performance as a sha7nbling
cut-throat." The physician who told
us that a visit to the theatre was the
best cure for the depression caused by
the war must have been a homoeopath.
In a recent article on the grievances
of midshipmen The Times mentioned
their " cherry enthusiasm." When
discussing their treatment by the Ad-
miralty it is said to be even ruddier.
* *
A man was recently fined at Mary-
le-bone for assaulting his employer by
pelting him with bags containing a
mixture of red ochre, black-lead and
flour. The unfortunate outcome of this
ingenious effort to extend the display of
the Belgian colours will not, we trust,
be misinterpreted by our gallant Allies.
fc •'.'•
The German CROWN PRINCE retains
his taste for curios. A recent snap-
shot depicts him shaking hands with a
German soldier who does not possess
the Iron Cross. :;. ...
' •'.- '
Even under the stress of war Shake-
spearean research still occupies some
of the brightest intellects. The Eev.
LACHLAN MACLACHLAN, of Strathlachlan
U.F. Church, Nether Achnaharachle,
N.B., the eminent author of Ethnologi-
cal Data in Imaginative Literature, has
just announced his discovery that the
First Gravedigger in Hamlet was a
Scot. Only a Scot could have affirmed
with conviction, while addressing a
complete stranger, that " a tanner will
last you nine year."
The Latest Extinguisher.
" The Fire Brigade were soon on the scene,
and once they commenced to turn their noses
on to the flames the conflagration was scon
under control." — Egyptian Mail.
VOL. CXI.IX.
142
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AUGUST 18, 1915.
THE LOWER THIRD.
THE Lower Third is twenty small
hoys whoso average, as I have just in-
formed forty anxious parents, is 13'2,
and whose 'Latin is generally "Fair,
but needs cuiv," but sometimes simply
" Bad." Minor characters in the story
are the Headmaster— whom Crockford
describes as P. 1890, if that conveys
anything to you — and I. I am one of
those people whom austere elderly
, in trains and 'buses now stare
so -coldly at, alt hough 1 travelled ex-
tensively and not without damage — as
they say of "Our Mr. So-aud-So " — in
France and Belgium in the Autumn of
1914 ; since when the Lower Third has
considered me competent to answer
such palpitating questions as, "You
don't think the War '11 be over before
I'm eighteen, do you, Sir?" and
simply scrums for the honour of doing
odd jobs for me— so I don't mind the
old ladies.
At odd times, when Junior House
matches call greater men away, the
Lower Third plays "The Dregs ": such,
that is, of higher forms as are not
wanted by Houses. These are great
days, not without their ritual either.
Directly after first school, Bendall mi,
who leads our host, conies up to my
desk.
" Please^ Sir," he says— the formula
never varies — "we're playing 'The
Dregs ' this afternoon."
" Yes, Bendall."
" Please, Sir, I s'pose you wouldn't
care to play for us, would you, Sir? "
" I should like to very much, if you
can get somebody to run for me."
" Oh, please, Sir," this not only from
Bendall but also from ten other young
scamps who have edged up during the
conversation — " oh, please, Sir, I '11 run
for you."
So by second school a large sheet of
paper has been pinned on the form
board, inscribed : —
" NOTICE.
" On the 6th inst." — " That 's to-day,"
as Bendall loftily explains to the less
literate members of the form — "Shen-
stone School, Lower Third Form, will
play ' The Dregs ' on the Shenstone
School Ground. Commencing " — al-
tered when Bendall thinks of it to
" Beginning," in deference to an absurd
prejudice of mine — "at 2.30 P.M. sharp.
" Shenstone School Lower Third
Form."
Then a column of ten names, and
always at the end : —
" B. J. BENDALL (Capt.) "
Then after a respectful interval : —
" T. K. F. Merton, Esq., late Lieut,
the W — - Regiment " — I shall never
live this down if the Lower Third can
help it — " has kindly consented to
assist the form."
And then this subtle compliment: —
'"The Dregs' will be allowed two
extra men."
But they rarely get them, for, when
we are struggling with the account of
another war in which the Belgsc took
a part, there generally comes a little
note: "The Headmaster wishes to
know if the Lower Third minds his
playing for 'The Dregs ' this afternoon."
The form solemnly answers in the
negative. So we do these things in
style at Shenstone, you see.
The Head, I ought to explain, was a
rowing man and is sometimes to be
seen even now wearing, unbuttoned,
a faded Leander blazer ; moreover, he
will come near to ranking as one of the
great Headmasters, but he is no bat.
Yet even such critics as the Lower
Third admire the way he stops hot
ones at cover aijd takes, without
flinching, fast full - pitches on his
thighs — a not uncommon ball with us.
On this particular 6th ult. — as Ben-
dall would have it — his wife and
daughter came to watch us, a very
special favour for such a humble game
as ours, but rather a " fearful joy," for,
to teli the honest truth, I am not a
little frightened of the Headmaster's
lady, who is a very yraiule dame.
Of all dull things, about the dullest
is a detailed account of small cricket :
how Harrison made them go with his
arm, and Smith snicked three fours
in succession, and Reynolds missed a
sitter at point. The bare fact is that
we made 66, Bendall and I hitting up
a merry 25 for the last wicket before I
dragged a laggard foot over the crease,
and was stumped in the excitement of
the moment by Haddon of " The Dregs."
Poor kid, he nearly wept when he
realised what he 'd done, and he
couldn't say anything either, because,
you see, it 's a very great secret that
I 'm not to be stumped now, and we
never so much as hint at it.
Now I hope you haven't been
bracing yourselves for a dramatic end-
ing— to see, for instance, Thomson,
who has been reported twice and will
be swished next time, bowl the Head
amidst the cheers of his class-mates,
or the small pale-faced new boy save
the game by hitting the bully for six.
As a matter of fact it was rather an anti-
climax, though it had all the makings
of a good finish, too. The Head joined
the last Dreg when their score was
63. Bendall bowled. One day Ben-
dall will be good, and even now he can
be trusted to get the Headmaster's
wicket twice an over; but luckily for
authority his first ball was a bad one,
short, a nice height and just outside
the off-stump — such stuff as dreams
are made of. It is the ball the Head
can play ; he cuffed it sharply past cover
into the few yards of longish grass
that fringe the boundary wall and
started to run ; it was an easy two.
And here Knox comes into the story.
Knox is blessed with a sense of
humour, and is, I believe, a boy with a
future. He certainly has a past, the
essential point of which just then
concerned a broken window, as yet
unreported. At that moment he was
umpiring at square leg. As the ball
with a final hop settled down just
inside the fringe, he waved his hand to
the scorer, walked gravely to his
wicket, pocketed the bails, and turned
again towards the pavilion. We always
stop when a side has won. The Lower
Third opened its mouth. " I say," it
began. But such presence of mind as
this should not go unrewarded ; besides,
Knox is rather a pal of mine, and I
knew that for once in a way the window
wasn't really his fault. " Oh, good
shot, Head," I said; "that gives you
the odd, I think." The Head, who
learned long ago to keep his eyes in
the boat, beamed with genuine and
unsuspecting pleasure.
" Not often I get a four off you,
Bendall," he said.
A few minutes later, as he was tuck-
ing his pads into his bag, Knox,
chancing to pass by, made casual
mention of a window. It was a neat
piece of work ; but he wasn't through
yet. One of the spectators was piqued
at having to watch mere Dregs at play ;
besides, I shrewdly suspect that Miss-
in-her-teens had wanted to see a Senior
House Match that day.
" You know, father," she said inno-
cently, " that last ball wasn't touching
the wall." She shot a glance at Knox,
so did the Head. "They do bounce
back a bit sometimes, Sir," said that
warrior blandly.
The very ghost of a smile flickered
on the Head's lips.
" My dear," he said, " the umpire's
decision is final. Er, you might come
and see me after tea about that window,
Knox."
But I don't think it was so very bad.
" The directors now recommend that a divi-
dend of 10.2754 per cent., free of tax, lie
declared, leaving £1,452 to be carried for-
ward."— Morning Paper.
It is a nice dividend, but the income-tax
will take some calculating.
" 'To go anywhere and do nothing' is the
spirit that to-day inspires our British forces."
Times of liul i i.
We fear our contemporary must have
been reading the other Times.
PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— AUGUST 18, 1915.
only against hostile troops ,
peaceful citizens :Q
WOEDS-AND DEEDS.
AUGUST 18, 1915.]
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
145
•4
THE CIVILIAN.
THE THIRD NIGHT.
THE Territorial soldier shook his
bandaged head sadly as he threw the
evening special away in disgust. I
stopped my promenade in the Park
and sat down beside him on the seat.
" No news this evening," I said, by
way of starting the conversation.
"Nothing official," he replied, "and
it 's only official news that I care for
now. My head ? Oh, that 's nearly all
right now, thanks ; but it was a bad
scalp wound when I first got it, and I
had a most remarkable escape. It was
not the actual wound but the mental
shock that made the first three days so
dangerous. The first night I had the
most terribly realistic dream. I dreamt
I was the Commander-in-Chief. The
whole night long I was kept frantically
busy, consulting my staff, making out
new plans for the advance next day,
receiving innumerable telegrams and
telephone messages, moving brigades
up on one flank, withdrawing divisions
from tho other. Never in my life
before did I realise the immense strain
and responsibility of being a field-
marshal on active service. Next morn-
ing when I awoke, mentally exhausted
from the labours of the night, my tem-
perature had risen to 102 degrees, and
the doctor looked very grave. ' You
must get a good night's rest to-night,'
he said. That night I went to sleep,
and again I had a dream of horrible
intensity. I dreamt I was the Admiral
in command of the Grand Fleet. All
night long I was poring over charts
with my staff, receiving wireless reports
from my cruiser squadrons, arranging
the coaling and supply of my many
ships, sending out patrol flotillas and
issuing orders to my submarine squad-
rons. That night I realised the meaning
of the word admiral in war-time.
" Next morning I could barely speak
from exhaustion ; my temperature had
risen to 104, and my condition caused
the doctor to look very grave. I ex-
plained the situation to him. 'If you
must dream,' he said, ' dream more
modestly. Dream that you are some-
one who has neither responsibility nor
danger to face. I warn you that unless
you get a good night's rest to-night
you will have brain fever and your case
will be hopeless."
" That night I was given a heavy
sleeping draught, bags of ice were
packed round my head, and I was left
to face what I realised was the crisis
of my life. I tried to imagine a person
who had neither responsibility nor
danger to face in these stirring times.
Believe me, it is a most difficult pro-
blem. I thought of every profession
from a bishop to a burglar, but I found
that the War had complicated the lives
of every one, and to dream of any of
them would be fatal to my repose. At
last in despair I fell asleep.
" Next morning I awoke feeling
greatly refreshed ; my temperature was
normal ; in fact I was saved —
" What did you dream you were that
night ? " I interrupted anxiously.
" A Special Correspondent at the
Front," said the soldier.
"The Socialist Deputy, Compere Morel,
points out that the party truce was brought
about by force of circumstances, and no
FrFeFnFchman could refuse to join the union
of national forces in resisting the criminal
aggressor." — Lincolnshire Eciio.
The Deputy may stammer a bit, but
his heart 's all right.
"Strayed to Ayleford Farm, Blakeney, a
Welsh Ewe and Plain Sewing ; knowledge of
Dressmaking." — Gloucester Citizen.
Wool-work a speciality.
in;
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AUGUST 18, 1915.
MY FRIEND'S CRUTCHES.
No sooner di<l the train pull up at
the station at noon than I hurried
down to tin- sea front, feeling c<
of (hiding the Captain either sitting ci-
st rolling'there lietore lunch. For other-
wise \vliy sehct this famous health-
resort to' recover in? But I Bought
him and his crutches in vain. Giving
him up, 1 made- for the secluded house
which the energetic little -Mrs. Captain
(who could not but look on his mis-
fortune as a blessing since it kept him
in England) had discovered for
him ; and there, sure enough, he was, in
the tiny back garden, slowly plodding
round and round an infinitesimal lawn.
never mind about my grotesque leg.
Let's forget the leg and talk about
cricket. To think that THUMPER'S
dead. I saw it in a paper in Bel-
gium—' Death of VICTOR TBUMPBB'-
and it put the sun clean out for a
while. That beautiful style ! Do you
remember him making all the howling
look like tosh at the Oval that day '
"Do I remember? Shall I ever
forget it ? "
"And what a name," he went on
— " VICTOR THUMPER ! Yes, yes, old
thing," he broke off under a fusillade of
rebukes from my hostess, "I'll come
back to the point. ' Well, as soon as I
could get about we came down here,
And that's all he'll do," said little; and
Mis. Captain in some in-
dignation. " Here we are
in an expensive house,
at an expensive watering-
place, for no other purpose
than that he may get the
sea air and be amused by
the people, and he won't
leave this poky back gar-
den."
" But, my dear old idiot,"
said the Captain, "you
know the reason why well
enough. You know I can't
go out."
" I know you 're a ridi-
culous super - sensitive
egotistical person," she
retorted, " and you ought
to live on a planet of
your own."
" Do tell me," I said.
" Well," she began.
" No," said the Captain,
" let me. She '11 put me -
and on the first day I took my crutches
hobbled down to the parade.
ing the hand of one who had so suffered
for his country ; and then a blazing
old lunatic took his hat off right at me
and said it was an honour to salute
one of England's heroes."
" So you are," said little Mrs. Captain
stoutly.
" Oh, do stop talking balderdash ! "
said her husband. " I put it to you,"
he added to me, " what could any
ordinary decent man do but get hack
here, away from the genuine lot of
wounded as soon as possible, and lie
low?"
" Isn't he
ridiculous ? "
absurd — isn't he too
little Mrs. Captain ex-
NOT TO BE BAULKED.
Volunteer. " I SAY, you BOYS, I CAN'T FIND THE BATTLE I 'M SUP-
POSED TO BE IN. DO YOU THINK I MIGHT JOIN YOURS?"
in a false light, this hateful woman."
After a brief .skirmish little Mrs.
Captain gave way.
That 's what we 'd come for, and I
never had a second thought about it.
But this place, as perhaps you have
claimed. " Fancy carrying a conscience
like that about in a world like this ! "
"I need hardly say," the Captain
continued, "that I came
in for some pointed do-
mestic criticism, and under
its influence — and it 's
fairly potent, you know,"
he remarked in paren-
thesis, throwing his wife
a kiss — " under its influ-
ence I consented to go out
again, but only on con-
dition that I might put
myself right with the
j public."
" Do listen to this," said
Mrs. Captain — " the dear
old snob ! "
" Not at all," said her
husband. " It isn't snob-
bish to wish not to deceive.
Anyway, snobbish or not
— and we shall never
about this — I had to he
straight with myself, so
I prepared a placard to
the effect that my broken
To begin with," said her husband, noticed, is full of wounded men — really
" you will admit that my position is | wounded men, decently injured by
about as foolish as any man's can be. •• bullets and shrapnel and the other
To be in the trenches for four months honourable apparatus of war — and
without a scratch, and then, the day , before I realised the situation, there I
after reaching home on leave, to break | was all among them — I, the only fraud
one's leg fooling about with a pack there."
of children— you '11 agree that absurdity " Fraud ! " I interjected. " What
couldn't go much farther than that, j rubbish you talk ! After four months
leg had nothing to do with the War,
and hung it on one of my crutches
where everyone could read ; and woala
Undignified, too. It 's like being run
over by a donkey-cart — as A. J. WEBHE
said when SHEHWIN took off the wicket-
keeping gloves and bowled him with a is that I was on . crutches from a leg
lob. My hat ! " he sighed in paren-
thesis, " to think that once upon a
time cricket used to be played 1 "
" The back garden is still waiting
for the explanation," the practical little
Mrs. Captain broke in. "Never mind
about cricket."
" Hear her," groaned the warrior.
" ' Never mind about cricket ' ! Eather,
in the trenches, too."
"That's nothing," he said. "The
trenches are not the point. The point
broken in the silliest possible way at
home, and these fellows were on crutches
with legs properly crocked up at the
Front. I tell you the realisation gave
me a shock. Talk about wolves in
sheep's clothing : I was the very limit.
I was quickly made to feel it, for before
I could get out of it up comes an old
lady to insist on the privilege of shak-
you believe it?
within a few
he went on bitterly,
minutes I was bom-
barded by a new set of old gentlemen
and old ladies who wished to shake the
hand of so candid a man. ' Such a
brave teller of the truth,' they said. So
there you are. And now you under-
stand why I prefer our back garden to
all the waves of the English Channel.
Here, at any rate, I am not a fraud,
nor am I offered compliments on being
merely commonly honest."
" Did you ever hear of such non-
sense?" little Mrs. Captain inquired,
as she slipped her arm into his. " Bless
his absurd old heart ! "
How to Become a Nut.
An article in Healthirard Ho ! Mr.
EUSTACE MILES' magazine, is entitled,
•• Man is What He Eats."
AUGUST 18, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CIIAKI YA1M.
147
Kind-hearted Old Lady (who simply cannot stand seeing nice-looking young subaltern getting wet through). "LET ME HOLD MY
rMllKl'.LLA OVER YOU."
Till: TOO COMPLEAT ANGLER.
" \\'E will take Bruce," said Wilhel-
mina yesterday afternoon. Bruce is
our retriever. At least he began by
being a retriever and tried to change
into a spaniel afterwards, but it was
too lute. He loves mud, water and
sofa-cushions in the order named.
"Faithful and willing" the advertise-
ment said when we bought him, so of
course, as Wilhelmina insisted, he had
to come, though George kept on saying
i was very risky.
1 love dogs myself; there is some-
thing so spontaneous about them : but
we. know now that it is better not to
take them out fishing on the lake.
When we were all in the boat,
Wilhelmina announced that she was
going to fish with a small submarine
barbed all over with horrible hooks ;
she said the trout in the lake always
mistook it for a minnow at first.
'• And afterwards ? " I asked.
" There never is any afterwards for
them, poor things ; you can always
land them — even the biggest. It's
such a tempting bait. Just look at it
now, twirling in the air . . ."
Bruce snapped vigorously.
The sky suddenly fell upwards and
I found myself on my back staring up
at the heavens. Bruce planted his
feet on my chest and scrabbled with
his hind legs. Wilhelmina asked with
a calm detachment if anybody had got
a pair of scissors. George said he
had a presentiment all along.
At that moment Adolphus put his
head out of the water to see what the
trouble was about. Adolphus is our
tame pike; he lived in the time of
OLIVER CROMWELL to begin with, and
he simply hates anything indecorous.
When he saw us he frowned severely.
Bruce tried to bark, but failed in the
upward swing of the jaw, and closed
his mouth very hurriedly.
" You had better row home," I said,
" I can see the clouds very well from
here, and it looks like rain ; and don't
let Bruce bleed over my waistcoat like
that. Do get him off my chest."
" How horrid you are to mind a
little blood," said Wilhelmina ; " haven't
you any sympathy for a poor dumb
animal? "
" Poor what animal? "
" Poor dumb animal was what I said.
You 'd grumble if you had two fish-
hooks in your nose, and got your
tongue caught in a third in trying to
lick them off."
" Well, of course I shouldn't try to
lick them off. What an idea ! And,
anyhow, it 's entirely the dog's own
fault; he should have looked down his
nose before licking."
By this time George had found a
knife and cut the minnow off after
a severe struggle ; the hooks, however,
still remained, and Bruce was not so
grateful as he might have been. When
we got ashore the suffering creature
was led into the garage and anaesthetics
were administered ; but this is not a
medical treatise.
Bruce wagged his tail when I went
fishing this nioining, but it was no
good and I went out alone. After
lunch I am going out with a revolver
to stalk Adolphus. Would you believe
it, that reprobate old pike spent all
last night warning the trout about our
submarine, and I never got a bite the
whole morning?
Kultur.
"Governess Wanted, English, French, or
Belgian, for unruly and headstrong girl of 16.
(Sole charge). Usual subjects (no German or
music or drawing). Strict disciplinarian and
prepared to use corporal punishment."
Daily Telegraph.
In the circumstances the exclusion of
German is most inappropriate.
118
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AUGUST 18, 1915.
MEALS AND TJIK MAN.
(A correspondent of a contemporary tic
dares that our in ><><ls of drjiressioi,
and optimism in iriiitrd to the \\'<i>
vary according to the quality of our
•meals.)
\YHI:N you would save the casual sov.
Though hard the task should pro\v
and harder,
Believe me, 'twere not wise, my love,
To squeeze it from the local larder;
Not that I make you this appeal
Through a desire to put more flesh
on;
No, hut I find a tasty meal
Eestrains a leaning towards depres-
sion.
You must yourself be well aware
That when you dish me up a diet
Composed of all the coarsest fare,
I suffer from a sore disquiet ;
Whereas when you lay out a spread
Which might appease the nicest
"party,"
I mount on wings of hope instead,
An optimist pronounced and hearty.
Since, then, 'tis up to each and all,
Even when things look none too rosy,
Bravely to face whate'er befall
And see a future safe and cosy ;
When your expectant spouse you feed
Entirely to his satisfaction,
'Tis patent you perform indeed
A highly patriotic action.
But when the clash of war is hushed
And WILHELM mourns his bloody
malice ;
When he and all his Huns are crushed
And Peace re-occupies her palace ;
At ease for ever and a day,
Dear mistress of my home, why then
you
With my most willing sanction may
Eesume my ordinary menu.
"M. OE N."
THE trouble began at breakfast yes-
terday.
" I 've almost decided on Myfanwy,"
Millicent remarked, without preface.
" Heavens," 1 said, " what is it ? A
junction on the Cambrian Eailway ? "
" No, it isn't," said Millicent. " It 's
ihe name I 've practically chosen for
baby — and a very pretty one, too."
" All change for Criccieth," I said.
' Pass the marmalade, please."
" Don't you like ' Myfanwy ' ? " Milli-
:ent asked. "I think it's so uncom-
mon."
So," I said, " is Iphigenia
Sophonisba or Beetroota. Can't
hink of something better? "
said Millicent,
Myfanwy and 1 was awfully taken witl
it. Still I 'in not sure, after all, that
don't prefer vElfreda. Yes," she added
after a few moments' reflection, " i:
shall be ./Elfreda."
" Oh, any old thing you like," I said
"1 don't see that it makes much differ-
ence to me. I shall probably call hei
' Billy ' anyway."
The fact is I am fond of homelj
names for general use. Our elder
or
you
daughter, whose Christian names are
Diana Vansittart — the latter a family
name — is invariably called 'Jim,' while
Ralph Hugo Vansittart, our only son
has been known as ' Thomas ' from
birth.
" ' Wilhelrnina,' " said Millicent
" would bo the most appropriate name
for her if you insist on calling hei
'Billy.'"
" Much too Prussian," I said. " And
now I think of it, jjslfreda's Saxon,
which is nearly as bad."
"Then it's simply got to b3 Myfan-
wy."
" Che sara, sara," I said.
" No, thank you," said Millicent.
No Bible names. You must make up
your mind to Myfanwy unless you can
;hink of some other name eve'n more
Beautiful. I 've given myself several
leadaches over this job already."
" Well," said Millicent as we met at
;ea, "has anything struck you?"
"Not even a 'Black Maria.' By
ihe way," I said, " there 's a name for
i'ou. Short — and appropriate to the
nartial times we live in."
" Very horrid," said Millicent.
" I felt you 'd say that. But it 's all
ight. I 've decided on — what do you
hink?"
"How on earth should I know?"
>aid Millicent.
" Myfanwy," I said. " Uncommon,
>retty and all that."
" Why, that 's the very name I sug-
gested at breakfast," she said indig-
nantly.
" By Jove ! so it is," I said. " Well,
all the better. You see, the fact is we
had a good many callers at the oflice
to-day, and among them a very pretty
girl, who came to consult us about a
will. When she sent her care1 in I
said ' Eureka.' "
I thought you said ' Myfanwy,' "
said Millicent.
" I said that too. I
card, ' Myfanwy Blake '
again for a further
Wednesday."
Millicent sniffed,
it up," she said sternly.
read it off the
She 'scorning
when you see it in black and white
And r.ow of comse the name wil
always have a charming associalioi
for me."
* =:• * * ••-.
Nora Vansittart is howling in her
cradle as I write.
"QUAT' SOUS LAIT."
Marie Therese is passing fair,
Marie Therese has red gold hair,
Marie The'r^se is passing shy,
And Marie Therese is passing by ;
Soldiers lounging along the street
Smile as they rise to their aching feet,
And with aching
their way
hearts they make
After the maiden for quat' sous lait.
Beer in the mug is amber brown,
Beer in the mug is the stuff to drown
Dust and drought and a parching thirst ;
Beer in the mug comes an easy first,
Except when Marie Therese is near,
With the sun in her tresses so amber
clear ;
Then quickly we leave our estaminets
For Marie Therese's quat' sous lait.
Yvonne Pol of La Belle Franqaise
Cannot compare with Marie Therese ;
Berthe of the " Coq " looks old and staid
When one but thinks of our dairymaid ;
Beer in the mug is good to quench
Thirsts of men who can speak no French;
Heaven is ours who can smile and say,
'' Marie Therese, give me quat' sous lait."
The "Entente" Letter Writer.
Bread-and-butter letter to the lady
of the last billet :—
" Cher Madernoisel Marie, — Je juste envoyer
ce carte esperance il trou\ ers vous tout puits
3omme il permissions me a cadeau."
"LOST, July 3rd, a pink and grey pet talking
Carrot ; says ' Want to come out.' "
Jnlike most orators, he seems to have
jot what he wanted.
Extract from a Maclrasi's letter : —
"Further I beg to state that I am not in
jossession to explain the calamity and the
ritical juncture in which I put much difticul-
ies in the practical life of eating, drinking,
leeping and thinking of the material things
hat surround us ; and I am rolling up and
.own in this false world merely for want of
ood for this tremendous belly, so I humUy
jeg to request your honour as any appoint-
ment in your honour's control."
consultation on
; You 're making
" I 'm not," I said. " Here 's her
card. I brought it so that you could
<r>f Trrif..^., «,.o(. i, .. r % r wMiguii ov-i uijuu juu uuuiu understand ins own department
ilfreda faist. but someone suggested , see how nice Myfanwy really looks as a clever outsider like VIRGIL.
From an answer to an examination
paper : —
"Vergil's view of Purgatory is both novel
and fascinating, and it seems to be more
likely to be true than other forms, such as
Pluto's, &c."
Of course Pluto was not likely to
understand his own department so well
AUGUST 18, 1915.] PUNCH, Oil THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
149
THE STANDARD DRESS COMES HOME.
f It has been suggested, in connection with the Thrift campaign, tltat all ladies sliould adopt one form of evening dress, as men do, and one only.']
•WELL, I'M "
"LET'S GET BID OF THE SLEEVES"
"AND HALF THE BODICE.'
" CUT AWAY, MY GOOD GIRL." " NOW WE'LL USE UP THE BITS YOU 'VE CUT OFF." " NOT SO BAD, AFTER ALL 1 "
PUNCH OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
Mother. "COME ALONG, TONY; COME DOWNSTAIRS— IT 's TIME FOR DINNER."
Tony (who has closely staled the troops drilling in the Park, likewise the words cf command given to the mo*).
DON'T YOU SAY "ALT'?" " ____
' WHY THE BLAZES
"LIGHT CKUISERS (OLD)."
(Vide Naval Expert's Classification.)
WHEN you've marshalled your navies and gloried
your till
In the latest they show of invention and skill,
The lion in strength and the lizard in speed,
The watchful in waiting, the present in need,
The great Super-Dreadnoughts gigantic and grim,
The thirty-knot cruisers both subtle and slim,
The weight and the range of each wonderful gun —
Eeinember the cruisers, the out-of-date cruisers,
The creaky old cruisers whose day is not done,
Built some time before Nineteen-hundred-and-one.
You may look to the South, you may seek in the
North,
You aiay search from the Falklands as far as the
Forth—
From Pole unto Pole all the oceans between,
Patrolling, protecting, unwearied, unseen,
By night or by noonday the Navy is there,
And the out-oi-date cruisers are doing their share !
Yes, anywhere, everywhere, under the sun,
You will find an old cruiser, an off-the-map cruiser,
An out-of-date cruiser whose work 's never done,
Built some time before Nineteen-hundred-and-one.
It may be you '11 meet with her lending a hand
In clearing a way for the soldiers to land —
Escorting an army, and feeding it too,
Or sinking a raider (and saving her crew),
Blockading by sea or attacking by dry land,
Bombarding a coast or annexing an island ;
Where there 's death to be daring or risk to be run
You may look for the cruiser, the out-of-date cruiser,
The creaky old cruiser that harries the Hun
(Built some time before Nineteen-hundred-and-one).
In wild nights of Winter, when warmly you sleep,
She is plugging her way through the dark and the deep,
With death in the billows which endless do roll,
And the wind blowing cold with the kiss of the Pole,
While seas slopping over both frequent and green
Call forth on occasion expressions of spleen.
Of all the old kettles award we the bun
To the out-of-date cruiser, the obsolete cruiser,
The creaky old cruiser whose work 's never done,
Built some time before Nineteen-hundred-and-one.
And when the Day breaks for whose smoke-trail afar
We scan the grey waters by sunlight and star,
The day of great glory — the splendour, the gloom,
The lightning, the thunder, the judgment, the doom,
The breaking of navies, the shaking of kings,
When the Angel of Battle makes night with his wings .
Oh, somewhere, be sure, in the thick o' the fun
You will find an old cruiser, a gallant old cruiser,
A creaky old cruiser whose day is not done,
Built some time before Nineteen-hundred-and-one.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CIIAIU VARI.— AUGUST 18. 1915.
THE ANSWER.
"WHEN DUTY WHISPEES LOW, -THOU MUST,'
THEY ALL EEPLY, 'I CAN.'"
EMERSON (adapted).
18, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
1.03
Chatty Stranger (to manager of Cinema Palace). "How ABE THINGS WITH YOU THESE DAYS?"
Manager. "OH, so-so. BUT WE'RE GETTING FRIGHTFULLY SHORT-HANDED HERE, YOU KNOW. WE'VE LOST TIIHEE OF OUR DOOKVEX
JLSEJDY."
TWO HEROES.
i-r I 'm asked to mention the bravest possible act,
Or the most sublime example of cautiousness and tact ;
1 haven't the least compunction, the slightest mental
qualm
In answering the question or distributing the palm.
The man of the most discretion that ever I chanced to meet
Was neither a sleek attach& nor a magnate of Lombard
Street ;
He was merely a country brewer, who went for a tour to
Rome,
With a party who gained an audience from the POPE in his
stately home.
The HOLY FATHEU was gracious, and greeted him with a
smile ;
" He asked me several questions in French, but my French
is vile,
So I never attempted to answer, for I honestly declare
I couldn't be sure if his title was Saint or Sacre Pere."
And the man who, in my opinion, as the bravest stands
revealed
Has never been decorated for valour in the field ;
He was simply a clerk in the City, whose humble weekly
screw
Amounted, and still amounts, to the total of two pounds
two.
Yet, unarmed and single-handed, with a nerve no shock
could scare,
He called on the only QUARITCH, in his formidable lair,
And asked the chief assistant, a terrible man to attack,
Had he got a second-hand copy of Whitaker's Almanack.
"Absent yet Present."
"If a person loaves homo after receiving a form, but before
August 15th, he should take it with him and hand it when filled up
to the enumerator who calls at the address where he is temporarily
absent." — Cambridge Daily News.
A correspondent of The Globe on Lord HALDANE : —
" He weighed himself in the balance and shows himself wanting."
Surely not the HALDANE we know !
" Prince Poachim's share of the loot included a Troika team."
Freeman's Journal.
We tender our congratulations to the printer on his happy
effort.
154
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AUGUST 18, 1915.
IN HIS OWN DEFENCE.
[A kind of a Fable with a sort of a
Moral.]
I HAD only one German to look after.
No, it is not true that I disliked him.
lie \vas the most musical of the lot.
A great eater, of course, perhaps the
most voracious of them all; I don't
know how imuiy meals a day he wanted.
But still the beggar could sing, and he
paid for everything in notes, in a
manner of speaking.
Gave himself airs? Well, no, not at
first, in that sense of the word. Yet
when he puffed out his chest and looked
at you pityingly with those small eyes
of his, you could see that a spiked
helmet was all he needed.
Oh, we were kind enough
to him, and I don't think
he was unhappy at first.
He could not have got
away if he wanted ; I saw-
to the fastening of the
doors myself, and there's
nothing in the way of bolts
and bars that I have to
learn. Sounds as if I was
preparing my defence? I
am. Oh, yes, there'll be
an inquest right enough.
Next Friday.
It's not true I didn't
like him. Nothing could
be more untrue. He had
himself to blame for what
occurred, he and perhaps
Wilkins. It was Jotfre
who killed him.
Wilkins? Yes, an old
soldier and fitted for jobs
like these! Mind you, I
don't blame Wilkins, a
good man and a brave man, quite
uneducated, one of the old school, with
deplorable tastes in literature. That
is what began it.
You don't think I shall be believed ?
Oh, it 's quite simple. No, I am not
casting about for any loophole of escape.
Do I look like a man who would read
that class of paper ? I have too much
self-respect, I hope. I did not know
till afterwards that the Daily Northcliffe
came into the house.
Wilkins possibly read it. No, Wilkins
is an old soldier. He must have bought
it to put at the bottom of the birds'
cages. My wife was strict about that
before she left. After all, there may he
sense in what Wilkins did ; I begin to
see I may have wronged Wilkins. Yes,
I quite see your point.
But you know what women are. She
adored that Harz Roller the best of
them all. It is true I thought more
of the bullfinch. Insular? Well, we
were both born on the same island.
Possibly, but NORTHCLIFFE fit non
nascitur.
I had no trouble with him till that
paper was put at the bottom of his
cage. Ho didn't seem the same bird
after that.' He would puff out his chest
and look at me with those heady eyes,
and his chirp seemed to say, "Pig of a
Britisher, not even NORTHCLIFFE can
sa\v you from me ! "
I am not embroidering. You have
heard of the Elherfeld- horses ? You
have heard of NORTHCLIFFE ? You
know where the Harz Mountains are ?
A German canary must be a super-bird.
Everything there is super. NORTH-
CLIFFE and the KAISER will both he
supers soon ? Yes ; but I am in no mood
for jesting ; my wife returns this Friday.
Bluejacket to Ms shipmate (both fresh from a fierce action). "On, COME
ON, DlCK. 'AVE ONE, AND DON'T BE SO BLOOMIN1 UNPATBIOTIC."
What happened ? I saw him trying
to prise open the door with his beak.
I felt cold to the bird, but I warned
him about Joffre. I said there was
no pacifist nonsense about the new
black inouser. The old cat was too
proud to do anything but lap milk.
You have guessed its name, though we
used to call it Mary Anne. I advised
Wilson to show a manifest toe, in a
manner of speaking, to Wilhelm. Per-
haps she did, though she seemed to us
to be asleep.
Well, if chirps have any meaning,
that poor bird seemed to shout, " I
will burst my way through ! I will be
the only canary in the planet ! I am an
eagle, a super-eagle, a peri-hyper-super-
double-headed eagle !
And Joffre ate him.
"Wanted, to hire, for month (preferably
with hood), comfortable Bath Chair for
doukey." — Exeter Express.
Is this a case of humanity or humility ?
"THE DAY."
(!N FACT, Two DAYS.)
ECONOMY in "week-ends" is a pro-
posal of The Daily Xcirn which presents
points of interest to the statistician.
If we abolish Saturday and Sunday
(as we assume is suggested) we should
steal two days' march on the Germans
— an important matter when time is
vital — unless, of course, they attempt
reprisals by cutting out, say, Tuesday
and Wednesday.
The War costing us three millions
a day, we should save six millions a
week. We should advance the cause
of temperance (unless the munition
worker should compress into Monday
the refreshment normally consumed in
three days), and hasten
the payment of dividends
on War Loans.
The innovation would
bear hardly on Sunday
papers, Church collections
and seaside boarding
houses. By synchronis-
ing yesterday morning
with to-morrow astro-
nomical calculations would
be disturbed and ships'
captains confused (al-
though a day or two
might be telegraphed out
wirelessly to sailors occa-
sionally to correct the
error), and grasping em-
ployers would no doubt
in some cases seize the
opportunity to omit the
Saturday pay-day.
But this movement
might he extended. A
proposal to abolish quarter
days would meet with the whole-hearted
support of the nation, and Summer
afternoons might be doubled in length
under the Daylight Saving Act. A
strong Minister of Chronology might
be appointed with powers to baffle the
enemy by some masterstroke such as
that of leaving out Winter.
WAESAW.
(Naturam expellas furca : to/men usque
recurrct.)
THE KAISER may crow over Russia
to-day,
Forgetting to-morrow's attack ;
Like Nature he pitchforks her out of
the way,
Like Nature she 's sure to come back.
" The war will be won, not by noisy jubila-
tion nor by hysterical panic, but by steady,
relentless prosecution of our talk."
"Sun," Vancouver.
There are people nearer home who
seem to be under the same impression.
A i UI-ST 18, I'M.").]
I'CXCII, OR THE LONDON CII AIM VAKF.
TILH SU'KKMH SACRIFICE.
THE General commanding the liritish
iitionary Force OTOBSed OD6 brOWO
<ver tlie other and leaned back
4 tin) wiry grass in luxurious
Ion. 1 1 h:id lieen a thoroughly
satisfactory morning. Xiuo t lines had
the ( lennan lines of en) rencliment been
carried at the point of tin; hayonet and
the iliovitahle counter attack repulsed
with prodigious slaughter. Finally,
vanquished in Homeric single combat,
the opposing (ieneral had surrendered
uiiei mditionally, disdaining with a chiv-
alry worthy of a better cause to plead
the handicap he had suffered through
act in},' as stretcher-bearer and field
hospital to his victor when the latter,
in the heat of conflict, had incautiously
• I a hare foot on the First Black
Watch, a hattalion which the uniniti-
ated might excusably have mistaken
for the disused shell of a particularly
dent, limpet.
Outwardly, it must be confessed, the
General failed to conform to the popular
i.ird of the illustrated press. In
the matter of sex she could only quote
the somewhat rusty precedent of JOAX
n|.- Auc, and her height, some three-
ix, \vould scarcely have satisfied
the least exigent of military require-
ments. The webbed bathing drawers,
too, which encased her nether limbs
and what she was pleased to term her
is, gave her at the moment some-
thing of the appearance of a recumbent
peg-top.
For a time she let her thoughts
wander in lazy contentment over the
prospects of the midday meal, watching
with half-closed eyes the August sun
bla/.ing upon the ripples of the bay and
on the opposing headland where the
gorse ran in golden riot to the water's
edge. Presently the sight of the sand-
castle, which had served in turn for
important fortress from Liege to
i, fast crumbling before the incom-
ing tide recalled her to the all-engross-
ing topic.
" Will it be long before the Germans
are really truly beaten, Daddy?"
Her late foe stirred stiffly.
" I 'in afraid so, dear."
" Is tha; 1). cause you can't go and
i iieiu again '.' "
It was scarcely a question ; the thing
was self-evident. Her world of men
was divided with satisfying simplicity :
the lean brown six feet of humanity
4 which she propped her bare
and the rest. Of course there
sub-divisions. For instance, she
p.'t'.chatit for the senior service
and an entire absence of maidenly
••e in declaring it.
lint, her words had started in the
Darkie (to lady after a wordy war). "Is vo" DONE FINISHED?
ME TELL YO', ALL THAT YO* SAYS I AM, YO' IS."
FOB IP YO' IS, I.I.T
man's mind a train of thought that
was far from happy. Almost bitterly
he reviewed the events of the past year.
A promising career abandoned ; months
of strenuous training, months spent
apart from the child whom he had
never left before for a single day ; and
then, before he had even caught the
longed-for sight of the enemy, an un-
lucky shell and a shattered knee ;
weary months in hospital, and lastly
the parting words of the kindly grey-
haired surgeon : —
" I 'm afraid you '11 have to take it
very easy. . . . Golf, I daresay. Ten-
nis? Well, some day perhaps."
It all seemed so useless.
Presently instinct warned her that
all was not well. Cautiou'sly she
moved so as to get a better view of his
face. No, she was right ; something
was the matter. The cause was beyond
her, but clearly it was a case for
womanly comfort. Suddenly he felt
her arms about his neck.
" Daddy," she whispered, '•' to-
morrow / '11 be Germans, an' the next
day, an1" — breathlessly, lest her
resolution should fail — " an' every day.
You shall never l>e beaten again."
Ceremonial Ablutions.
" At a meeting of the Privy Council yester-
day Mr. Lloyd George was sworn in as Mini*! IT
of Munitions. The new privy councillors
whose names appeared in the list of birthday
honours also took the bath."
" The Englishman," Calcutta.
" £12 12 0. Very handsome Sheraton
bedroom suite, beautifully inland."
Yorkshire Telegraph.
Thus furnished, purchaser can sleep
quietly through a Zeppelin raid.
156
PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AUGUST 18, 1915.
THE WATCH DOGS.
xxvi.
MY DEAR CHARLES, — We do not
spend all our days in the trenches. I
cannot tell you exactly where we do
spend them, but some days find us
artfully concealed not far away ready to
dash forward and add to the confusion
in any emergency. Near this spot is a
little pool amongst the trees surrounded
by rushes. The other night, about the
hour of last post, a disturbance was
created in the trenches and we had the
alarm. In less time than it takes to
tell all were alert and standing to;
dispositions were made, extra ammuni-
tion and emergency rations were issued,
cigarette-cases had been filled and com-
panies were ready to move off. And
so we waited, prepared for anything
and everything, all agog, until the
sounds died down and it became clear
that the matter in hand was some
private affair of the people on duty in
the trenches. In dismissing my little
lot I thought fit to have the roll called ;
our old friend, the sanitary man, was
missing. Excitement at once became
intense again ; the sanitary man, with
or without his apparatus, is usually so
particularly present. Had he gone
forth alone to tackle the enemy single-
handed, as he tackles the flies, with his
cresol and his chloride of lime? We
called him, we whistled him, we
searched for him high and low, but all
in vain. We were just giving up hope
and beginning to speak kindly of him
as of a thing of the past when I
thought fit to search the pool. And
there, among the rushes, he was —
fishing.
I have been informed of two import-
ant events, outside our unit but in the
area. The first concerns three das-
tardly privates who were caught red-
handed at the prohibited gambling.
The whole lot, cards and all, were
apprehended and placed in the custody
of the guard-room, pending their ap-
pearance at orderly-room next morning.
It transpired, but not during the pro-
ceedings, that in the interval between
arrest and trial they compensated
themselves and, so to speak, consoli-
dated their position by teaching the
guard their method of play and mulct-
ing every member of it of every penny
he possessed. The other incident con-
cerns the artillery. Nobody who has
been in the trenches will contradict me
when I say that our field batteries,
whatever other faults they may have,
do love being really busy. Give them
a job and they will concentrate their
whole selves on it, thinking of nothing
else by night or day. I shall not be
giving anything away if I say that
this is a spot at which many of the
smaller batteries, each having its pri-
vate beat, converge. Opposite, behind
the enemy lines, a tall chimney-stack
had too long remained intact. " It is
an observation post," said the Field
Batteries assembled in secret conclave ;
" it is a menace. To-morrow morning
shortly after dawn we shall remove it."
j The hour was fixed, the very second
was agreed upon. At the scheduled
moment every gun in every battery
was to be laid upon it and, at the send-
ing up of a signal, battery fire was to
be opened, continuing till the chimney
discontinued. You may imagine what
sleepless nights were spent, with what
a concentrated fever of expectation and
anticipation -all concerned fixed their
glasses on the target at dawn and
waited ....
Meanwhile one of those large and
imperturbable monsters known as
"Mother" had arrived by night, un-
beknownst, some miles in the rear. As
soon as it was light she looked about
her for some convenient object on which
to try her strength, any old target suit-
able for a preliminary canter with a
singleton shell. Arid on the horizon
she saw a chimney 'stack which, she
thought, would do as well as anything
else.
I hope, Charles, that you have mixed
with field gunners, so that you may
realize the true inwardness of the final
tableau. I don't suppose there was a
single man, from the Chaplain to the
Officers' mess cook, who was not
standing there waiting for that sig-
nal and the to-do which should follow
it. The affair was so beautifully timed
that the signal actually did go up, just
about three-fifths of a second after the
chimney had come down. ... I con-
fess that, on hearing the story, I
instinctively gave all my sympathies
to the German infantry in the trenches
thereabouts.
. In our own trenches we have a
listening post so close to the enemy
that all conversation in it is conducted
in a whisper. The Brigadier, with his
retinue, inspected it the other day.
" I 've 'eard surnmut," whispered the
listener with a grave air. A smile of
pride in the efficiency of his men spread
over the Company Commander's face ;
the C.O. prepared himself to accept,
with becoming modesty, any praise
that was going; the Brigade Major
produced his Field Service Pocket
Book ; the Adjutant sharpened his
pencil and the Brigadier officially de-
manded the details. "Indeed, Sir,"
whispered the listener, "I 'eard sum-
mut as it might be bacon frizzlin' over
a brazier."
I have not told you much of that
element, too prominent, alas ! in our
daily life, the stretcher ; but one very
vivid case I think I may mention. A
soldier, I take it, is none the less a
hero simply because he has a touch of
the actor about him, and Private X is
no less a man because he has always,
apparently, looked forward to the
moment when the stage should be his
and himself in the centre of it. As we
were proceeding from the trenches to
the rear, in a small party for a tem-
porary purpose, his opportunity came
in the shape of a spent bullet. The hit
was anything but serious, yet was such
as to compel him to assume any posi-
tion but! the sitting one; but, even
lying on his face at the bottom of the
trench, he did justice to the scene and
wouldn't have it spoilt by the well-
meant efforts of a comrade who saw
herein the chance of practising ban-
dage work. " 'Ere, kid," said Casualty,
abandoning his semi-unconsciousness
for the purpose, " stand clear and leave
it to the stretcher-bearers." The latter,
arriving, played up well and the affair
concluded with an effective curtain.
As the stretcher party moved off,
" Good-bye, chaps," said Casualty, "and
cheer-oh ! " and from his pocket he
produced, with an obvious effort, a
jaded cigarette and lit it. 1 11 warrant
that very cigarette had stcod by in that
very pocket from the beginning of
things and for this very purpose.
It is the sequel, told me by the S.B.
Corporal, which makes me take this
view. The bearers had endeavoured to
humour Casualty with the promise of
a quick recovery, but Casualty had
made it quite plain to them that he
didn't want humouring and wasn't
going to recover, and the party were
proceeding in a pathetic silence when
those confounded German gunners
must needs intervene and spoil every-
thing. Stretcher-bearers are used to
being harassed in their work by oc-
casional shrapnel falling round and
about, but to Casualty it was a new
and unwelcome thing to lie inert in
the open in such circumstances. A
chance shell bursting nearer than the
others, he gave all his theatrical am-
bitions the go-by, leapt in a flash from
the stretcher and legged it, just about
as fast as humanity can move, back to
the trenches, where, after some small
local treatment, he continues at duty
to this day.
I write to you from the trenches,
Charles, where life rolls on as usual
and consists almost entirely of large
shells and little flies. We get into the
habit of not asking for much, but it
would be something if only some of
the big shells would kill some of the
little flies. Yours ever, HENRY.
An, i 8T 18, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CIIAUIVAUI.
157
"\YKIX, MADAM, WE SELL A GOOD MANY OP BOTH. THE SOLID RUBBER 18 PERHAPS THE MORE SERVICEABLE ARTICLE BUT THE
OTHEH IS GENERALLY CONSIDERED THE MORE BECOMING."
LETTERS-PATENT OR OTHERWISE.
IT is a well-known fact that the Wai-
Office is the victim of a large number
of correspondents, but a selection has
not perhaps previously been made
public. The following specimens, how-
ever, will perhaps show the wide field
red by these letters: —
KIND Sins, — As I was passing a
parade ground the other day, I thought
I would just stop and listen and see
lio\v drill-people perform. Imagine
>ain and surprise when I had been
ing for some moments to discover
that the persons in charge did not show
even common politeness in addressing
their men. I do not mean that I heard
much actual abuse, but I am sure,
though I listened with painful alertness,
that I did not hear the use of a single
"please." People were told to "form
iii-s " (or fives— I forget which), but
ithout any word of politeness added,
and even when they had complied with
the request of the officer (and I am
sure they tried to oblige him at once)
there was no attempt whatever to
thank them.
I do not suppose for a moment that
this conduct is typical of the officers
of our army as a whole, but even if it
is unusual I do not think it should go
uncriticised.
Yours faithfully, JEMIMA KNITT.
To THE SECRETARY OF STATE.
DEAR SIR, — I have several sugges-
tions which, if carried out, would, I
think, be of service to the country.
I expect to be in London in the course
of a few days and should be prepared
to give you an appointment.
Yours, J. BIGQE HEADLEY.
DEAR SIR, — I have a new invention
which I am sure will have a tremendous
effect upon the campaign. My con-
trivance takes the form of a huge crane
supplied with a large number of chains
with hooks at the end. Immediately
it is desired to take a German trench
the crane is driven forward until it is
over the particular trench, when the
hooks descend and catch the enemy
troops. The crane is then again set
in motion and the enemy are lifted
high up into the air — where they are
powerless until the moment comes for
lowering them to the ground and
making them prisoners.
Yours obediently,
W. KRANKINGTON.
How History is Written.
" In the Church of the Holy Cross, Krakov-
ski-strect, reposed in a vault Chopin's heart.
The vault was opened and the precious relic
removed to Moscow." — Daily News, Aug. 9.
" It is reported that the vault of the Church
of the Holy Cross in Kravoski-street was
opened by chopping, and that the sacred heart
preserved there was removed to Moscow."
Times, Aug. 9.
"His humour is as paniky as ever, and,
indeed, in a word, he is still Harry Lauder."
HarrogaU Advertiser.
But if this description is correct, ho
cannot be the HARRY LAUDEB who is
going out to Flanders to cheer up the
troops.
158
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AUGUST 18, 1915.
THE EXCEPTION.
HE was no doubt the happiest
member of the household, although his
immunity from the common burthen of
i-are and anxiety threatened, perhaps,
to cause a little estrangement. Hitherto
he had seemed so essentially one of
inn-solves that it jarred to see him
living his life precisely as he had done
since he arrived in a basket (a little
woolly black toy of a dog in those
da\s) three years ago.
Hi- stood "apart from the rest, inas-
much as his creature comforts had
known no curtailment. Not only is
he still allowed the same quantity of
biscuits and bones as in the piping
times of peace, but, more enviable than
all, his appetite remains as excellent
as ever. Nor is he one of those who
cannot sleep o' nights, and when he
takes his walks abroad lie is never
accosted by patriotic ladies with an
absorbing desire to know why he is
not wearing a coat of another colour ;
he is not required to dwell deprecat-
ingly on his age, his infirmities or the
nature of his daily occupation.
The arrival of the less frequent post-
man, or even of the telegraph boy with
his more aggressive rat-tat-tat, causes
no more than the customary, quite
pleasurable, if noisy, excitement, though
it may be that he marvels sometimes
to see us stand round while the letter
with the French postmark is opened
with a shaky hand and read aloud in
an equally shaky voice. He is blissfully
ignorant of the existence of such things
as trenches, firing-lines, shrapnel, high
explosive shells and bombs.
It is true that disappointment still
lies in wait for him at one hour of
the twenty-four. Even after all these
bare months have passed, as 7 o'clock
draws near, he will make his way
hopefully to the hall and lie down
with his muzzle as close as possible to
the mat, his ears pricked as he listens
for the well-remembered footsteps which
tread the earth Somewhere in France.
Presently he will rise with a yawn,
shake himself and trot slowly away
with his tail between his legs, clamber-
ing on to a chair by the open window,
looking out eagerly to the right, in
which direction lies the railway station.
And his mistress will lean forward with
a sigh to stroke his head before she
bends a little lower over the sock she
is knitting.
But with this exception he certainly
seemed to be less in sympathy than
usual with us all. One evening, how-
ever, he was barking so furiously thai
the wildest hopes were awakened
Could it be possible that the dreamed-
of visit had materialised at last ? Bui
here was no peaked cap or khaki cape
on the hatstand, no boyish voice, no
odour of cigarettes, but within the
room a little golden-haired girl was
meeling on the hearthrug holding up
a portrait of the KAISER, and a foot
away lay the clog, barking at it as he
lad never barked before.
It was obvious that he had become
one of us again. The community of
,he household was restored.
OUE ALLY.
Being notes from the diary of a com-
batant in the Fly Campaiijn.)
6.30 A.M. — Hostilities have begun. My
nose has just been invaded — not
by a battalion, but by a single spy.
Having been caught napping, was
unfortunately unarmed ; but suc-
ceeded in driving off enemy with
my bare hands. He has retired
to window-pane.
7 A.M. — Enemy showing signs of great
activity. He has left window and
is air-skirmishing. Though invi-
sible, I can distinctly hear the
hum of his motor.
7.15 A.M. — Enemy has presumably en-
trenched himself. No sign of the
offensive being renewed at the
moment.
7.30 A.M. — Left ear violently attacked
from rear, but enemy again retired
in great disorder on my commenc-
ing a turning movement.
7.45 A.M. — Observe much activity in
enemy's camp. Taking up strong
position upon shaving - mirror.
Consider time is ripe to make my
advance. Shall mobilise.
7.50 A.M. — Enemy still occupying shav-
ing-mirror. Think he has dug
himself in. Shall attack him on
the flank, and enfilade him with a
high-velocity towel.
7.51 A.M. — Eegret to have to report
attack failed. Enemy escaped
through loop in fringe of towel.
Casualties, one shaving-mirror.
7.55 A.M. — Shortage of food apparent in
enemy's h'nes. Is eating curtain
Shall seize opportunity to have
bath.
8.5 A,M. — Enemy still occupying cur-
tain. Have decided to bombarc
him with heavy artillery, for whicl
purpose am bringing up 22-incl
pillow.
8.6 A.M. — Unaccountably misjudged
trajectory, but caused enemy to
evacuate position and retire to
window-pane again. Casualties
one electric-lamp shade (slighth
chipped). Am following up attack
with vigour and a handkerchief
Hope with co-operation of latter
to bring off enveloping movement
8.10 A.M. — -Enveloping movement only
partially successful. Succeeded in
approaching within easy range,
but unfortunately sneezed at cru-
cial moment. Suspect enemy of
employing snuff against me.
8.15 A.M. — Territory free of enemy.
Searching scrutiny of every avail-
able ambush failed to reveal any
trace of him. Shall complete
equipment and proceed at once
to the new Front — if I can
find it.
8.30 A.M. — Enemy once more located
occupy ing heights on wall of break-
fast room. Position practically
unassailable without pea-shooter,
but am wondering whether could
manage to strike effective blow
with Daily Express.
8.32 A.M. — No, I can't. Losses heavy ;
one Tanagra figure (mortally
wounded), one vase cut flowers
(not expected to live), one eight-
day clock (totally disabled).
8.40 A.M. — Temporary cessation of
hostilities. Enemy's whereabouts
unknown. Don't care. Am hungry.
8.41 A.M. — Found him in milk - jug.
Had decided to build pontoon and
attack him in mid-stream, when
he managed to scramble out, and
again disappeared.
8.42 A.M. — Enemy located in marmalade
entanglement. Hope to announce
decisive victory when have found
sugar-tongs.
8.45 A.M. — Enemy succeeded in eluding
capture by feigning submission.
Had him in the hollow of my hand
(literally) and was about to intern
him in slop-basin when he flew
away in the most cowardly and
unsportsmanlike manner possible.
Is at present on window-pane
buzzing an epinikion and cleaning
his arms and legs. Shall renew
attack by strategy when have
finished examining contents of
two shells (dead, and botli hard-
boiled as usual).
8.55 A.M. — Have just sent despatch-
rider for glazier, but am happy to
be able to record engagement ended
in my favour. Enemy escaped
through hole in pane, but reckoned
without a valuable ally that made
his presence known in the nick of
time, and secured the fugitive while
in full flight. Shall certainly
submit his name to headquarters
for suitable recognition.
9.3 A.M. — Thinking the matter over,
have decided for the future to
abandon ordinary methods oi
campaign, and enlist further
allies. What I want to know
is, do the Stores keep a reserve oi
spiders ?
ArcrsT 18, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
159
Helper at canteen. "A TOOTHBRUSH? CERTAINLY. WOULD YOU LIKE IT HARD OB SOFT?"
Jock. " BLESS YOU, MA'AM, I'M NOT GOINO TO us« H. IT'S ONLY FOB KIT INSPECTION."
"REQUISITIONAL,"
OR HINTS TO YOUNG OFFICERS.
["We arc still struggling with the final bits of red tape. A regiment
now in training at a seaside place sent a requisition for 30 pickaxes.
The official reply was that the proper way to requisition pickaxes was
to call them ' Axes (Pick).' "—Daily Chronicle.]
WHKN sending requisitions it is well to have a care
That you 're absolutely right in your appeal ;
" Wheelbarrows " must be written — if you only want a
pair — " Barrows (Wheel)."
It 's a simple little process and, though puzzling for a bit.
It doesn't take so very long to think
That an " inkstand " should be designated when you
order it — " Stand (Ink)."
Suppose you want some paper and that " foolscap " is
the word
"Which you want to write, remember that the rule 's
To reverse the whole expression and you'll put — it
sounds absurd — " Cap (Fools')."
To rag the War Department you will not attempt, I hope,
Though I quite admit it would be tempting (very)
To ask for and to call that soldiers' friend, the periscope,
" Scope (Peri)."
"Found, young Goat; if not claimed immediately will be old."
Dublin Daily Express.
Well, if not immediately, at any rate eventually.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)
The Diary of a French Army Chaplain, by An HI: FELIX
KLBIN, translated by M. HARHIET M. CAPES (MELBOSE), is
in its simplicity, its vividness and its directness one of the
most remarkable books that the War has so far produced.
The writer is evidently a man of strong character and
admirable human sympathy, and his account of what he
saw and did as Chaplain of the American Hospital at
Neuilly-sur- Seine is of the most poignant interest. I can
vouch for one reader, at any rate, who, having taken it up,
could not lay it down until he had read the last word
on the last page. To Neuilly came day by day the torn
and shattered bodies of those who had once been brave and
vigorous fighters. It was the Abbe's duty to speak to
them words of hope and consolation, to strengthen their
souls and to enable them — alas ! in how many cases — to face
in resignation th« great change that was to sweep them
from the ranks of the living. Frenchmen, Englishmen,
Arabs, Moroccans, nearly all the nationalities, in fact, that
make up the armies of the Allies, were brought to this
hospital, and to all of them the good Abbe ministered
with a single-hearted devotion which is as much beyond
praise as it was far removed from obtrusion. His presence
and his words must have been like sunshine to these poor
wrecks of humanity. He is a keen patriot, but his charity
knows no limits of race or creed, and he is careful to set
1GO
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
FAVGUST 18, 1915.
down any
* kindness on the
g MM
r,ot'ifMmg hearts." He finds
remark, ible. He speaks of
the gaiety of the
" three Englishmen
En«
singing
had of them before seeing
who
for it, I
of the ! well-educated man of business, after some years of blame-
less boredom with a wife and family at Wimbledon, is
into the society of a woman, a dancer, at once considerably
more fascinating and less respectable than the ladies of his
previous experience. The result is a "guilty passion," and
an intrigue which circumstances later conspire to renew.
This is when Gerard's wife and children have been estab-
lished for the summer at a distant villa, and he himself
the English are ' is thus enabled to alternate between their society and that
That is the whole matter. As I say, on the
mation and deliberate courage ; but j due, I suppose, to the humanity with which Mr. GRANT
,,,7jctv"-and the Abbe, gives instance EICHARDS has managed to invest the only two characters
,',';„ ^Stance to' prove his statement. Altogether this is that matter. This gives the book a fascination that, in my
idvisedlv— a b Dutiful book, and I cannot own case, made it impossible to put down till the last page
~ had been turned. The story is
poignantly alive ; it compels
your sympathy by its own. In
short, a very genuine success,
which, if you don't mind being
forced to share emotions of
— I use the
commend it too earnestly to my
ivMilers. I ought to add that
the translation is skilfully done
and preserves the flavour of the
original.
In the eleven stories that
make up Pastorals of Dorset
(LONGMANS) Miss M. E. FRANCIS
(Mrs. BLUNDELL) is at her very
best ; there is not a single
" rabbit " in the whole eleven.
It is not easy to describe the
qualities that combine to make
these tales peculiarly attractive,
but I can say without reserva-
tion that Mrs. BLUNDELL i»
supreme among novelists of the
present day in her sympathetic
understanding of the lives of
humb'.e country-folk. Humour
is another of her gifts, but she
does not use it to make her
characters ridiculous; one laughs
very often with them but hardly
ever at them. Here, for instance,
one smiles at Granfer Sampson
trying to re-enlist when he is
nearly seventy, but the lasting
m >ression is of pride in the old
granfer's spirit. And so it is
with all of these sketches ; the
author sees the narrowness of her characters' outlook and
makes good-natured fun of it, but throughout she is never
without the power of describing country-life so that a
glamour falls gently over it. Mrs. BLUNDELL'S gifts are
precious to all country-lovers, and we may well be grateful
whenever she uses them.
"WE SHOULD MISS YOU, MARY, BUT YOUB UNDOUBTED
TALENT SHOULD BE OFFEBED TO THE NATION IF THERE IS
A WOMAN'S BOMB-DROPPING CORPS."
Among the historic moments in literary history that I
sometimes please myself by imagining is that in which
Mr. GRANT EICHARDS, the author, timidly submitted his
first manuscript to his own consideration as publisher.
" But, my dear Sir," I fancy him exclaiming in soliloquy,
" this is absolutely IT ! " And often since he must have
had occasion to rejoice, both of him, over a partnership so
happily begun. The latest achievement of — I speak with
all respect — this publishing Pooh-Bah is in every way
worthy of those that have gone before. Bittersiceet (GRANT
EICHARDS) is briefly one of those books in which some
touch of charm and genius in the writing transforms a
theme that might be merely sordid into a thing of beauty.
The plot of it is simple. Gerard Blundell, a middle-ageing,
which you may disapprove, you
should certainly read.
In these days a really cheerful
novel is a sound asset, even if it
cannot be proclaimed as a perfect
work of art, so I can recommend
The Hose Garden Husband
(HODDEK AND STOUGHTON) be-
cause it is fragrant and fresh,
and forget that Mrs. WIDDEMKR
handicaps herself by relying a
little too often upon senti-
mentality. Cynics, it is true,
might say that crippled young
men do not, outside the pages
of fiction, rise from their beds
with the speed that Allan
Harrington displayed. They
might even say more than this,
but I am not going to argue
with them ; for Mrs. WIDDEMER
has a way with her, and I am
victim to it. If, however, she
writes another novel it would be
well to warn her that sugar and
spice must be used with caution, if they are not to promote
a sense of surfeit.
THE COTTON
QUESTION.
-, ct fabnla narmtur.")
( " Mutato nomine de
THE " Pish pish " and " Pooh " and " No consequence " lot,
They come as a boon and a blessing to — what ?
Have "Pish-pish" and "Pooh" and "No consequence'
read
The tale of our wounded and missing and dead ?
Does their fantasy aid them to picture the sights
Bound La Bassee and Ypres ? Do they sleep well o' nights
When our chemists the truth about cotton declare,
Do "Pish-pish " and "Pooh" and "No consequsnce" care'/
Nay, at risk of offending those eminent men,
We are driven to asking again and again,
Have "Pish-pish" and "Pooh" and "No consequence'1
been
A boon and a blessing to us or Berleen?
AI-CIUST 25, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
161
CHARIVARIA.
THKRK are said to he only 450,000
cats in the German Empire, as com-
pared with 4,000,000 in France and
7,.sf)0,000 in the United Kingdom. A
Herman newspaper which recently
published mi articlo pleading for "the
rehabilitation of the cat " was at once
denounced as unpatriotic by a rival
journal, which pointed out that during
a portion of every twenty-four hours
all cats are GREY.
* *
According to a high Greek personage
KINO CONSTANTINE now receives a letter
from the KAISER almost every day. It
is said that he looks back regretfully to
the period of " P.S. Kind regards to
"TiNO," and is beginning to think the
daily mail an over-rated luxury.
* •',•
#
Hearing that certain German Generals
now in Eussia — Prince LEOPOLD OF
I:\V\IUA, VON HINDENBUEO, and VON
M M KF.NSEN — are seriously embarrassed
by the number of love-letters they
receive from their admiring country-
women, the CROWN PRINCE, it is under-
stood, has intimated his willingness to
exchange commands with any of them.
•',- •','
••'.-
In connection with the excellent
scheme for sending literature to the
troops through the agency of the Post
Oilice, a list has been published of the
sort of books they do not want. We
amve that telephone directories, trades-
men's catalogues, and a Guide to
Harrogate (nineteen years old) would be
found dull reading even in the trenches,
hut we respectfully protest against the
inclusion in the Index Expurgatorius
of Modem Woman — How to Manage.
Ili-r. A really competent treatise on
this subject would be invaluable to any
Bum, soldier or not.
* *
One of the first things the Germans
did in Warsaw was to set all the clocks
to Central European time in place of
Eussian. Here at least they can
honestly claim that time is on their side.
Fine language is all very well in its
place, but the restaurant - keepers of
Southern! consider that the author of
an otherwise laudatory notice cast an
unmerited slur upon the freshness of
their principal commodity when he
\\rote of the town's "immemorial
shrimps." # ft
*'
The Dcutsche Knricr says, "It can-
not lie reiterated too often that it is no
Utopia in the Dark Continent that we
are chasing ; it is not in those regions
that our future beckons us." We
believe this to be very near the truth.
There is no pleasing the German
Press. " England's shamelessness,"
according to the ll<niil,iirijcr Nachrich-
ten, " is not only abominable ; it drives
the blood to our heads." This helps
to explain that swollen feeling.
*
A contemporary recently published a
picture of the Danube, and drew special
attention to the precipitous rocks on the
southern or Serbian bank. Curiously
enough no mention was made of a
prominent bluff on the other side.
* *
" In Carniola, during the night of
the 15th, the enemy delivered a violent
attack against Pal Piccolo." We are
glad to add that our gallant little friend
repulsed him with serious losses.
* *
One of the strange effects of the War,
an evening newspaper informs us, is that
HISTORY IN THE MAKING.
COUNT REVENTLOW HAVING PROVED THAT
BBITISH SUPREMACY is AT AN END, HIS
IMPERIAL MASTER POSES FOR NEW DESIGN
FOR GERMAN COINAGE.
" Grimsby, of all places, has been obliged
to import fish." Are we to infer from
this that before the War Grimsby grew
its fish on shore? # .,,
In a recent article the Frankfurter
Zeitung remarked : " We should be
fools if, in a war where our enemies
work against us with all means in their
power, we were to go to ruin through
modesty." Up to the present we have
traced no signs of any such danger.
Describing a forthcoming production
Mr. ALFRED BUTT is reported to have
said: " We have a lovely chorus and its
complement of men ; but all of them
beyond military age, or for some reason
incapable of service." Some members
of the " lovely chorus " consider that
Mr. BUTT might have expressed himself
more tactfully. .,, #
*
In an article on the looting proclivi-
ties of German officers, we read that
their favourite spoils are underclothing
and time-pieces. As the National
Anthem of the Fatherland, " The Watch
on the Rhine " is now bracketed with
" Does this shop stock shot socks with
clocks ? " „, ...
*'
Mr. NORMAN ANOELL considers that
the papers are making a great deal too
mucli fuss about the other angels (of
Mons), and maintains that the War has
produced no Great Illusion to compare
with his own. ^ ^
••:•
An Algerian soldier was much pleased
when Lord KITCHENER, during his
recent visit to the French Army,
addressed a few words to him in
Arabic. The KAISER is reported to
be greatly annoyed that his own Arabic
effort should have received so little
appreciation. ... ...
"*"
A German scientist claims to have
discovered a new kind of rays, the
gases of which, he says, " are very
long and variously shaped, and at their
end seem to dissolve in forms like
clouds or cascades." He calls them
" bottle rays," and from the description
we are inclined to think that he is
probably right. tf +
*
A correspondent encloses the follow-
ing paragraph taken from " Charivaria,"
November 1st, 1911 : —
"Lord HALDANE, in defending the Terri-
torials, declared that he expects to be dead
before any political party seriously suggests
compulsory military service. We understand
that, since making this statement, our \Vur
Minister has received a number of telegrams
from Germany wishing him long life."
But we suspect that when he said dead
he meant " politically dead."
" It is reported via Dedeagatch that Galata
Bridge has been blown up by submarines.
[The Galata Bridge spans the Bosphorus
from Constantinople to Pera, and this connects
the Asiatic with the European side.] "
Birmingham Daily Post.
So the poor old wooden bridge which
for so long spanned the Golden Horn
has been removed and thrown across
the Bosphorus. Pera has been trans-
ported bodily to the Asiatic coast, and
we hope that the contents of Stamboul
will follow in a few weeks.
From a description in an Italian
paper of Sir R. BORDEN'S reception at
the London Opera House : —
"Poi tutti i present), con una sola grande
e possente voce, hanno cantato una canzone
popolare : J*'or ho is ajoffy good follow."
The correspondent who sends us the
extract thinks that a compliment to
another Ally was intended, and that
the first epithet should have been
" Joffrey."
VOL. CXT.IX.
162
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AUGUST 25, 1915.
AN AFFAIR OF OUTPOSTS.
[As the following military incident is based
upon recent facts, the author has thought well
to anticipate the intervention of the Press
Bureau and censor it himself.]
THE summer dusk was deepening into
night. It had been a day of deluge, and
from the lower ground by — - Wood
rose a white and sinister vapour. An
awful silence held the lines, broken only
by the furtive rustling of paper-bags that
had held the sandwiches and bananas
which were to hearten us for the coming
battle.
Our main army, according to the best
reports, lay a mile or so in our rear, and
we were its outposts. For the last hour
of daylight I had been arranging the
dispositions of the company under my
temporary command, conformably with
those of B company on my right. The
three platoons that furnished our pickets
had thrown forward their sentry-groups
with doubled sentries into the hedge
which the enemy had given an under-
taking to attack. Precisely at
o'clock, the hour fixed for the com-
mencement of operations, I took up a
recumbent position with the supports
in a disused bunker of the links,
and gave a final adjustment to my
brassard.
During the strained pause that fol-
lowed, some of the lighter spirits among
us took advantage of our position in
the rear, out of earshot of the enemy,
to indulge from time to time in the
reckless badinage proper to a licentious
soldiery ; but, for myself, being in civil
life a professional humourist, I spent
the interval in reviewing the errors of
my past and regretting that I had
never made a will.
Suddenly my attention was called to
an approaching apparition. Our sentry
growled a low challenge and out of the
gloom emerged a single enemy under
escort. At first, for his eyes were
bandaged with a white handkerchief, I
took him for a flag of truce come to
say that, owing to the saturated condi-
tion of the terrain, the enemy had
decided to postpone the battle. But as
he wore no other sign of white (save
the pallor of his face) I began to sus-
pect a ruse, though the fact that he
was in the full uniform of the enemy
militated against the theory of es-
pionage. Rising, I advanced in his
direction with the idea of inviting him
to show reason why he should not be
shot out of hand. (I could not have
postponed the execution till dawn as
the necessary firing party would then
be working off their night's labour in
bed.) As I came closer I suffered a
painful shock on recognising in him an
old friend of my comparative youth —
a Regius Professor of University.
" What do you here, Septimus, and
n this guise? " I demanded sternly.
He quailed perceptibly, but recovered
:iimself and replied with an affectation
of bravado.
" I 've only come as a spectator," he
said.
I saw at once that the situation was
unusual. I could recall no precedent
for it in the King's Regulations or other
.tandard works on military etiquette.
I was almost certain that permission
for attaches and war-correspondents to
uttend operations in the field is in-
variably required beforehand, and that
there existed a strong prejudice against
extending this privilege to representa-
tives of the enemy.
" Your position, Septimus," I said,
" is extremely irregular. Remove your
bandage that I may look into your
eyes." And I drew closer.
He gave a rather sickly smile and
withdrew the handkerchief, but kept
his lids lowered.
" I only came," he repeated, " as a
spectator. I am taking no part in
these operations."
I was not satisfied, but, after all, I
said to myself, he is my friend and a
Regius Professor of University.
" If," I told him, " you will give me
your parole not to attempt to escape
and give information to the enemy
about our dispositions, you may lie on
half my mackintosh in this bunker."
He accepted with an indifferent grace
and settled down for the night. I
offered him my last unripe apple, but he
thought he would see better without it.
There, then, we lay — such strange
bedfellows as adversity is apt to bring
together. And indeed we both seemed
to wear the badge of a common grief,
for the darkness had turned the pillar-
box scarlet of our brassards into
mourning sable. . . . All of a sudden
a dreadful thought occurred to me. Till
now it had escaped me that my pris-
oner, besides being a Regius Professor,
was a notorious writer of light verse.
I had mixed a good deal in my time
with writers of light verse and was well
acquainted with the crafty cunning of
their methods. Now, it would be my
duty presently to visit my pickets and
sentry-groups. Would it be wise, I
asked myself, to go off and leave a
writer of light verse under the guard
of innocent men— barristers, solicitors,
and so forth — who were probably un-
familiar with the habits of this elusive
type? On the other hand, if I took
him with me on my rounds, I could
not guarantee his safety, for the
" Septimus," I said, " on second
thoughts 1 will relieve myself of further
responsibility in respect to your person.
I will hand you over to the Com-
mander of the outpost company. He
stands yonder with the telephone sec-
tion in the hedge to our right rear.
I will do you the courtesy to conduct
you thither myself. Be good enough
to rise. About — turn ! Left in-cline !
Quick — march ! "
On the way I treated his conversa-
tional advances (made in light prose)
with some reserve, merely expressing
my regret that 1 was unable to dine
with him at College on the
following day. Arrived at the Com-
mandant's post, " I have the honour,
Sir," I said, "to deliver to you the ac-
companying prisoner, who has been
captured by my sentries. I am dis-
satisfied with the account of himself
which he has given me."
My Commandant, who has too largo
a heart to believe ill of any man and
has never in his life written a line of
verse, light or heavy, received the suspee t
with great geniality. I ought perhaps
to have notified to him the ground of my
uspicions ; but, rightly or wrongly, I
decided that the matter was no longer
my affair, and I returned to my post.
The "Cease-fire" had rung out on
our left flank. For a long time it was
ignored on the right of B Company,
where the buttle proceeded with great
fury. At last, the " Assembly " being
sounded, the Reserve Corps ex-
tricated itself from the— -Volunteers
(whose dead had continued to fight
with the extreme of valour), and the
two forces, including all casualties, re-
formed at a safe distance from one
another.
After the pow-wow was over I got a
word with my Commandant.
" What did you do with my prisoner,
Sir? " I asked.
" Let him go, of course. I had to take
his word that he was just a spectator.
You see, he 's a gentleman and Com-
mandant'of their regiment."
" He may be all that, Sir," I replied,
" but he writes light verse. A man
who does that sort of thing is capable
de tout." O. S.
"Lost, from Ifi, Hampton-street, Cross
Persian Cat, scarred leg. If detained will be
prosecuted. ' ' — 1'lymoiith Paper.
This should make it crosser than ever.
Reserve Corps, when on outpost duty,
is known to be very prompt, and, even
if he escaped the worst, his Muse
might be permanently disfigured.
"An extraordinary plague of winged ants
caused great excitement in Cardiff yesterday.
Bats, in broad daylight, led on the pest."
Irifli Tliuf.i.
Can it be that the bats, having been dis-
owned by the Beasts and the Birds, now
aspire to the kingship of the Insects ?
PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHABIVABI.-A.im,- 25. 1915
THE ACHIEVEMENT.
COUNT ZEPPELIN. "STANDS LONDON WHERE IT DID. MY CHILD?"
THE CHILD. "YES. FATHER; MISSED IT AGAIN."
COUNT ZEPPELIN. "THEN YOU HAD NO SUCCESS?"
THE CHILD. '• OH, YES, FATHER; I'VE GOT HOME AGAIN."
AUGUST 25, 1915.]
PUNCH, oil TIIK LONDON CIIAUIVAKI.
JOAN.
(A Sillily of the Hixinij (1,-tn'riitiun.)
THOUGH I'm older than her father
There are times, I own,
\Yhen I find it really rather
1 lard to fathom Joan :
Not that she pursues malicious
Aims liy methods surreptitious,
But resembles the capricious
Cat that Walked Alone.
Joan appreciates hilarious
Comrades, girls or men,
But her mood is non-gregarious
Kv'ry now and then ;
And it 's just when most endearing,
Most inspiriting and cheering,
That she 's giv'n to disappearing
In her private den.
Joan, though studying modern
fashions,
Modern books and plays,
Can exist on simple rations,
Live laborious days ;
Rising with the lark and turning
All her energies to churning
And contemptuously spurning
Soft luxurious ways.
Joan delights in dogs and horses,
Owns a mighty Dane,
Whom, once launched on devious
courses,
Nothing can restrain ;
" Esau " very fine and large is,
But when down the road he barges
Nursemaids and their trembling
charges
Wish he had a chain.
Once to sate her thirst for dancing
Joan would travel far,
In the two-step gaily prancing,
Quite the tango star ;
Now of motoring craft a master,
Always driving faster, faster,
Day by day she courts disaster
In her racing car.
Fogies find her too new-fangled ;
Sentimentalists
Liken her to sweet bells jangled,
Moonlight in the mists ;
Those who read her heart most clearly,
Though she treats them cavalierly,
Like her all the more sincerely
For her kinks and twists.
They admit that she is " spiky,"
But at length divine
Stirrings of a nobler psyche
Neath the porcupine :
For the War has made her serious,
Cured her of her moods imperious,
Self-absorbed, detached, mysterious,
Brought her into line.
" The hops have certainly improved since
last report. Hot nights with sunshine is what
is now required." — Kentish Observer.
They should try Norway.
Sergeant (out of patience with awkward Recruit). "NEVER APPBOACR THE '6ssE» FROM
BE'IND WITHOUT SPEAKINO TO 'EM. IF YOU DO, THAT THICK 'EAD or YOUBS 'LL ort so
KICKED WE SHAN'T 'AVE NOTHING BUT LAME 'OSSEB lie THB STABLE."
shoes of Mrs. Bloggins. They I
THE HEAD OF THE FIRM. not a prepossessing lot, but then the
Mr. Swansdown's confidence in his innate goodness of their kind is of t
knowledge of charladies was very ': heart. With one accord they sat i
much shaken when Mrs. Bloggins upright, stiffened by their respect
tendered one week's notice of her in- ability.
tention to leave him for ever, and he The office-boy, a cheerful and 1
wisely deputed the choice of her youth with a devastating squint, und
successor to his typist, Miss Myrtle. , took to usher the applicants one i
Miss Myrtle was a nice girl with soft ' the other into the presence <
hair and the kind of eyes which make Myrtle. He opened the door, thrus
a man decide to be better in future, head in, and squinting at I
In the perusal of this distressing story , ladies asked for the first comer
. r i i t i i • • J 11 \\*u;«U n( «•*»,• rtr»f. nrn nr^t
her niceness should be borne in mind.
Thus it came about that one May what he actually
morning Miss Myrtle held her court at affably as was his wont.
• * * 1 ml *i1 __ A 1.*,1i* nnnt* flirt H/Wht* 1
Which of yer got 'ere first ? " was
- He spoke
moraine aiiss JM.VILIU noiu noi »,uu»» .^.j - -
ten-thirty by the clock. Thither came, A lady near the door with a it
in reply to an advertisement, .six sad net perched jauntily on a pot
but virtuous females willing to fill the her head answered this mvn
166
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AUGUST 25, 1915.
preceded by the office boy, passed with
silent dignity into the inner room where
Miss Myrtle sat in state. The typist's
nose was a little red that morning, and
as the% applicant entered she saw her
put her powder puff away, and thereby
summed her up.
" Be seated ! " said Miss Myrtle in
the tone she had heard her previous
employer (an editor) use to authors.
The charlady coughed in protest
before she did so, and then sat, obedient
to the custom of her caste, with back
as straight as a ramrod, knees close
together and hands tightly clasped on
her lap.
" What is your name ? " asked Miss
Myrtle, taking up her pen in a firm and
businesslike way.
"Missus Jones," the applicant said
with a short sharp em-
phatic emphasis on the
word which denoted
her married state. She
clearly resented some-
thing.
" And where were you
last employed, Mrs.
Jones ? " asked Miss
Myrtle, unconscious of
the existence of this re-
sentment.
" Hi was employed
in a sliziter's horfice,"
said Mrs. Jones shortly.
"May I arst in return
if I am dealing with a
principal ? "
" Oh, no," said Miss
Myrtle; "I am Mr.
Swansdown's confiden-
tial secretary."
" Ho ! ' ' said Mrs. Jones
comprehensively ' and
significantly. " Ho, in-
deed!" "Confidential" had a most
unpleasant ring in her ears and her
back perceptibly stiffened.
At this juncture the office-boy tit-
tered.
" Leave us," said the mystified Miss
Myrtle, and with a dreadful grin he
withdrew.
" I don't think this place will suit
me," said Mrs. Jones. " Being a re-
spectable married woman," she added.
Without another word she left the
room and the amazed Miss Myrtle was
alone. As the dignified charlady shook
the dust of Swansdown and Co. from
off her elastic-sided boots she met
another lady entering, who took her
place among the remaining applicants.
One after another the charladies
were ushered into the presence of Miss
Myrtle by the joyous office-boy, and
one after another they discovered, pos-
sibly by instinct, that she was the
typist ; whereupon, bristling with in-
dignation, they decided that the place
did not suit them. Why a typist must
not engage a charlady is beyond me,
but it is so. If you doubt it ask your
charlady.
At last there was but one left, a thin
vinegary lady in black, whose face sug-
gested that she had spent her life in
a desert place apart. Gradually Miss
Myrtle's new-found dignity was evapo-
rating and the hilarity of the remainder
of Mr. Swansdown's staff (the oflice-boy,
to be exact) increased. The typist de-
termined to alter her methods with the
one remaining applicant, for she was
frightened lest she should fail to obtain
a charlady at all. Her dignity went
altogether and she was just a jolly
little typist again.
" Good morning," she said cheerfully ;
A SUGGESTION TO THE WAR OFFICE.
THE SEASIDE FLOATING MERRY-GO-ROUND, WITH SPECIAL BUCKING
MUSTANGS, FOB TRAINING CAVALRY RECRUITS. THE ADVANTAGES ARE
TWOFOLD : HEALTHY SURROUNDINGS AND THE ABSENCE OF ALL DANGER
FROM FALLS.
" I 'm glad the others did-not suit. Mr.
Swansdown asked me to choose the
most genteel of those who applied, and
I hope you will take the job on."
There was silence for a moment.
" That depends on the job, you
know," said the candidate in an accent
vaguely reminiscent of the suburbs.
" Oh, there are just the ordinary
duties, you know — keeping the office
clean and so on."
" And the wages ? " asked the dere-
lict.
" Ten shillings."
"That is satisfactory — quite satis-
factory ; " and Miss Myrtle knew from
the way in which she added " quite
satisfactory" that she was a superior
person.
" But what about the boss ? " asked
the prospective charlady.
" Oh," said Miss Myrtle, anxious to
clinch the matter, " he 's an old dear ;
he 's awfully good to the staff. He
gave me this the other day ; " and
she held out the bangle on her wrist.
The charlady looked at it with critical
interest, because, in .spite of all evidnuv
to the contrary, charladies are not only
human but feminine. Miss Myrtle
thought her new method was much
more successful.
" I should like to do most of the
cleaning at night after he had gone
home," suggested the applicant. " \Yhat
time does he go? "
"Nearly always about five,"
Myrtle replied. " You could commence
cleaning by half-past every evening if
you wished."
" But sometimes he 's later surely.
It might be very awkward if I came to
clean up and found him still here."
" Oh no ! He 's always away by five.
Why, just lately things
have been a bit quiet and
he has got away by the
middle of the afternoon."
There was a silence
again for a moment.
" And what is your
name, please?" asked
Miss Myrtle.
"Mrs. Swansdown,"
the charlady replied
quietly, but with a slight
smile which temporarily
thawed her face.
" Mrs. Swansdown ?
. . . But that 's the boss's
name ! "
"Naturally; I 'm his
wife. And I have to thank
you, Miss Myrtle, for
some very interesting
information about him."
The silence was thick
and ominous, and Miss
Myrtle paled. She had
that sinking feeling which comes when
one is well in it.
"But you came as a char . . ." she
began.
"Pardon me. You assumed I was
a charwoman, Miss Myrtle, and I did
not disillusionise you. You might tell
Mr. Swansdown that I am here,
please."
And slowly and thoughtfully Miss
Myrtle did so.
It is not quite certain what happened
at the ensuing interview between
husband and wife, because there is
only one1 keyhole to the office-door and
the office-boy was using that. His
reports are very vague. One thing is
certain ; it was Mrs. Swansdown who
chose the new typist.
" Young person desires another share Home,
herself and father ; moderate terms."
Bournemouth Daily Echo.
What she wants is a half-sister.
A i (ii:sT 25, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CIIAIMVAIM.
AT THE FRONT.
THEKE is a deservedly popular mili-
tary song which states, with perhaps
unnecessary iteration, that the sin^n-s
are there hecause they 're there, because
they 're there, because they 're there.
That is exactly how we find ourselves
placed at the moment. Here is a dusty
lane wlih eligible greensward adjacent.
We have been hero since 9 A.M. and it
is now (I r.M. We have long since given
ii]) discussing why we should be here,
where we are going when we leave here,
and, indeed, whether we are ever going
to leave here.
Last night all was peace, except that
I was told to sleep in my boots. I
can only assume that they must inad-
vertently have slipped off ; for when
the morning broke I appeared to be
devoid of foot-fittings of any kind.
While I was thinking over this mystery
the Company fell in. Fortunately they
were very sleepy and by the time my
platoon-sergeant had persuaded them
to form something other than threes
and fives, I was on the spot explaining
small but important technicalities, such
as the advisability of taking ammuni-
tion when you 're going to a battle,
and the difficulty of getting a really
satisfactory drink out of an empty
water-bottle.
Eventually we set out and walked
along some roads till we came to this
one, where no doubt the following
conversation took place : —
C.O. Have you the least idea where
we are going to, or why ?
Adj. No, Sir.
C.O. Do you see any possible point
in our going any further ?
Ailj. No, Sir.
C.O. Then don't let ,'s.
Adj. Very good, Sir. I will make
it my business to see that the process
is discontinued.
So we all sat down by the roadside
and took off our equipment and almost
everything else and went to sleep in
the sun. . . .
It is now considerably later — two
days later, in fact. We still inhabit the
dusty lane and eligible greensward. A
fear lias gone abroad that it has been
assigned to us as a billet. This is all
very fine in its way, but when you
have received a message reading (more
or less) : " Attack on in ten minutes'
time ; bring a sandbag and a bayonet,"
and you then find you have to live an
indefinite time with a sandbag for fur-
niture and bedding, and a bayonet to
shave and brush your teeth with, you
come to realise that the greenwood
tree business isn't half what it 's
cracked up to be. Besides, when you
have found your place on the map — if
Youthful Commissionaire (who hat taken, place of older one, gone to the Front). " THESJC
'ERE WET DATS is WOT EXHAUSTS ME."
you have one — and inspected your rifles
and sandbags and bayonets, there really
isn't much to do here unless you have
a geometrical turn of mind and care for
plotting the angles between the butter-
cups. If you are a keen soldier you
can of course go on inspecting your
platoon's rifles and sandbags and bay-
onets, because, by the time you have
criticized the last bayonet, going round
conscientiously, there 's no knowing
what may have happened to the first
rifle or sandbag. Tin's will keep the
men interested too, and save them from
getting into mischief, surrounded as
they are by all manner of temptations.
Before we ceased speculating on our
prospects, our strategists advanced all
possible views. The best supported
theory was that we were being held in
reserve to create a diversion through
Switzerland which was to come in on
the spur of the moment. The most
obvious and horrible prospect — that of
remaining here till the end of the War
— no one has dared to put forward.
Yet ours cannot be a totally inglori-
ous oblivion. Before we settled here
we won fame. A very large if slightly
bleary photograph, representing two
of our sections on the march, had
been published in a certain notorious
daily journal which is fully prepared
to finish the War in a month if it
only gets the chance. It is true that
the legend subjoined was " Belgian
Artillery Resting," but you cannot ex-
pect glory and accuracy for a half-
penny, can you ?
MR. PUNCH'S ROLL OF HONOUR.
We regret very much to leam that
Mr. ALEC JOHNSTON, 2nd Lieutenant,
1st Battalion, Shropshire Light Infan-
try, has been wounded. Mr. JOHNSTON,
who originally went out with the Artists'
Corps, has for a long time contributed
to Mr. Punch's pages, and is the author
of the series " At the Back of the Front "
and " At the Front." We heartily wish
him a speedy recovery from his wounds,
which we are glad to hear are not of a
serious nature.
1G8
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AUGUST 25, 1915.
A FAMOUS VICTORY.
WHEN is an historic ship not an
historic ship? That is the question.
The answer is but I will explain.
Having been to Portsmouth I know
not how many times, but always in the
wrong company for investigation, I
found myself there once again last
week, with a keen though youthful —
perhaps keen because youthful, for the
old take so much for granted — student
of England's past and England's heroes,
whose very obvious desire to fall in
with the blandishments of an ancient
mariner and visit the Victory in his
venerable boat was not to be thwarted ;
and so for the first time, after judicious
bargaining, I was rowed to that notable
vessel.
I will not dwell upon the incidents of
the voyage in a craft which was called
for some odd reason the Why Not ; how
we were bobbed up and down by the wash
of this steamer and that, but managed
to retain our lunch ; how the Gosport
Floating -bridge's efforts to run the
Why Not down were frustrated by
her chains ; how the ancient mariner,
although he had us at his mercy,
refrained from marooning us until his
original exorbitant figure was conceded.
Let me merely record the fact that in
due course we reached the great little
Admiral's Trafalgar flagship, and by
ascending the steps that were not there
in his time, and obeying a notice to
take care of one's head that also had
come in since his day, obtained our
first insight into the accretions which
have accumulated like barnacles on this
most illustrious of ships.
An elderly man having been sum-
moned to take us in hand, we began the
tour of enlightenment — and disillusion.
Mounting to the main deck he drew our
attention to a brass plate raised an
inch or so above it, close to the head of
the companion. " This," he said, " is
where NELSON fell. But of course," he
added — and the " of course " sent a
chill down my back — " it was not on
this deck. This deck is new." New !
Who had braved the rollers and combers
of Portsmouth Harbour to see new
decks ?
He then drew our attention to the
wheel ; but it was not, he said, the
wheel used in NELSON'S day. Oh, no.
A shot destroyed that; but a new wheel
had been set up in the same place, and
in the centre was the famous signal.
Similarly, he said, the masts having
been shot away, the present masts not
only were not the original ones, but
were made of iron, whereas NELSON'S
masts were of wood ; and again we
sought comfort and consolation in each
other's eyes.
Eight aft, he said, was Captain
HAEDY'S cabin; but it was not a cabin
any more ; just the receptacle of two
boats, one of which bore NELSON'S body
from Greenwich to London. It is a
beautiful boat, but it is repainted every
year. Descending, we were shown the
exterior of NELSON'S cabin, but, " as it is
now used for court-martials and we
never know when a court-martial is to
be held, it is kept locked." Here was
a rebuff indeed. It was the one spot 1
longed to be in, and to look through the
windows at its stern and see how the
ocean appeared to the greatest fighting
sailor of all time, and the least able of
all the heroes of the sea to control mal
de mer. But no. Nor are the windows
as they were in NELSON'S day, for then
they were of transparent horn, and now
they are of glass. All this was very
disappointing, and my spirits fell still
lower when I read the date 1846 or
1847 on one of the guns ; but at last
we found one, the firing of which NEL-
SON might have controlled, and were in
the midst of our first authentic flush
when the guide led us to the cockpit
where the dying NELSON surely enough
was carried, but which has since had
its compartments removed to facilitate
its show purposes. But was that
really the true table on which all the
surgical operations had to be performed,
and was that really the lantern by
whose dim light the surgeon had to
work ? The aged man would not swear
to either.
But any superiority that I may have
felt over the old fellow disappeared
when, before one of the engravings of
the Battle of the Baltic, in the little
museum, he related the glorious inci-
dent of the spy-glass and the blind eye.
" Now I dare say," he began with
charming naivete, " that you won't
believe what I 'm going to tell you, and
I 'm sure it will make you split your
sideswithlaughingwhen youhearit. At
the Battle of the Baltic, you must know,
NELSON was only second in command.
Well, at a certain critical moment in
the fight he had his attention drawn to
a signal ordering him to retire. And
what did NELSON do? You know he
was blind by one eye? Well, he put
the telescope to his blind eye and said
he couldn't see it, and then went on
and won the battle."
Some of the saddest moments of life
are those in which a simple humorist is
deprived of his reward of laughter. I
did what I could to supply the desired
mirth, but made so poor a show that
the guide, who clearly is accustomed to
less sophisticated audiences, looking at
me narrowly and in pain, accused me
of having read history and therefore of
having heard it before.
" If NELSON hadn't won," he added,
with a return of good spirits, "he'd
have been disgraced for ever and
drummed out of the Service. That 's
an odd thought, isn't it ? "
" Nothing succeeds like success," I
remarked pleasantly.
But I had better have held my tongue,
or been less observant, for humiliation
was instant. " Funny you should have
said that," he replied. " Nine out of
every ten ladies and gentlemen that
comes aboard this ship says that, but
somehow I thought you wouldn't."
What could I do after that ? There
was nothing to do but pay up and go.
A PERMISSIBLE EXTRAVAGANCE.
DEAR Goddess at whose shrine I fall,
And worship that sweet will
Which holds my heart in gentlest
thrall
With all a woman's skill,
Heed not, I pray, the cry to-day
That luxury 's a vice,
For you, I swear, shall never share
The nation's sacrifice.
But you shall walk in silk attire
And dreamy satin hues ;
Your feet that fairies might desire
Shall wear the costliest shoes ;
And you shall eat the choicest meat
Upon a dainty dish —
Shall dress and feed as well, indeed,
As any girl could wish.
Sooner, in fine, my soul I 'd pinch
Than see you poorly gowned,
Or stunt your stature half-an-inch
Or weight by half-a-pound;
Yes, though for thrift I '11 prove my gift
It shall not come nigh you,
But you shall be our luxury,
My tiny maid of two.
"The Germans are taking vengeance by
not allowing their railway trucks to enter
Eoumania any longer, and by urging on the
Australians to close their frontier to the import
of Roumanian cereals." — Evening Paper.
All in good time, WILLIAM. The
Australians will attend to your business
as soon as they have got through the
Dardanelles.
" How to make a sovereign do the ordinary
work of 15s. is the problem the war-time
housekeeper has to solve." — Morning Paper.
If that is really the problem the solu-
tion is simple. Buy a War- Loan
voucher with the surplus.
" On the Ballogio moor the shooting tenant,
with two guns, had 38| brace of grouse."
Glasgow Herald.
It looks as if one at least of the birds
had been rather badly shot.
25, 1915.]
PUNCH, PI! THE LONDON CHARIV.M.'I
Voice in distance. "AREN'T you TWO BEADY?"
Small girl. "Is A MINUTE. AUNTIE'S JUST PUTTISQ UEB PUTTBU os."
PHASES OF A YEAR OF WAR.
(From a Patriot's Note-Book.)
AUGUST, 1914. — War declared. Rather
startling. Imagine that it will be a
tremendous business, involving great
changes even in my obscure life. Am,
however, at once agreeably surprised
by the reassuring battle-cry, " Business
as Usual." The War is to be won,
apparently, by our taking no notice of
it, thus causing an immense feeling of
depression among the enemy. Suppose
that in the circumstances we may as
well spend our annual fortnight at
Ostend as usual ? Ask Chapwing, my
neighbour, if he cares .to join us.
Chapwing declines. Seems to be a
poltroon.
OCTOBER. — Second battle-cry : " Do
your bit." Enemy not having been
brought to his knees by sublime spec-
tacle of national composure, it has
become necessary to try something
different. Eager to accommodate, but
how ? Much too old for active service,
and then there is the matter of my left
eye. Happily, it is pointed out that those
who cannot enlist can at least enable
others to do so by giving up all ex-
penditure that encourages superfluous
labour. At once dismiss occasional
gardener and countermand orders for
winter overcoat and bagatelle set. Stop
library, subscription. Also reduce wife's
housekeeping allowance and dock child-
ren's pocket-money, amidst great de-
monstration of domestic patriotism.
Chapwing alone unmoved. Appears in
a new suit and announces bis intention
of building a conservatory. The man
is a pro -Germ an !
DECEMBER. — Latest battle - cry :
" Spend and pay and keep things going."
Unfortunate miscalculation in last
policy. Air full of forebodings of un-
employed jobbing gardeners, tailors,
bagatelle-board makers and destitute
authors, who also happen to be inelig-
ible for military service. Now appears
that in order to provide every kind of
work during unavoidable dislocation,
and thereby materially help to win
War, it is my plain duty to spend not
only all I can out even more. Order
two of everything and double house-
keeping allowance and children's
pocket-money. Indescribable scene of
domestic patriotism. Chapwing, at-
tracted by the outburst, wants to know
if we have all gone mad. Hun I
JANUARY, 1915. — " Men and men and
yet more men." Both economy and
lavishness rather in abeyance at the
moment. Now stated on authority
that the War will be won by soldiers.
Recruiting slack. See a sphere of use-
fulness in spite of my disadvantages
and join the Teddingham and Twicken-
ti in Fencibles. Somewhat short of loose
cash just now, but spend £20 or so on
entrance fee and subscription, uniform,
rifle, marching boots and so forth, and
support of concerts and bazaars in aid
of the corps. Have to work rather
closely at professional duties in order
to retrench my position, but manage to
put in eighteen hours a week of drill
and marches, manual and other exer-
cises. Confident of doing the right
thing this time, but admittedly taken
aback by the continuous spectacle of
stalwart young men in civilian attire,
who, supported by their lady friends,
laugh heartily as we march by. Ask
Chapwing what he thinks about joining.
Replies, "I don't think." Chapwing
is a confessed shirker.
APRIL. — A new phase. Yesterday
saw Chapwing approaching in a state
of greater excitement than I thought
him capable of. As he waved an even-
ing paper I imagined for the moment
that we must be through the Darda-
nelles. "Another "he gasps. "Fort
destroyed?" I interpose eagerly. He
looks at me with cold disapproval.
" No, no ; another clue — pretty import-
ant too." I now notice that the entire
front page of his journal is headed,
" Brides in the Bath Case," in arresting
type. Can the War mysteriously be
170
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AUGUST 25, 1915.
•<--'"> X
TTJ /
oMUk/
THE PESSIMIST.
"YES, SHE'S orp TO THE CINEMA AGAIN, AND I DON'T BLAME 'EB.
'AVING PEACE UPON us ANY MOMENT!"
MAKE THE MOST OF IT, I SAY. WHO KNOWS? WE MAY BE
over, or have I dreamt the War? It
appears that a hitherto obscure gentle-
man living in Shepherd's Bush claims
to have raised coincidence to its highest
power. Nation holds its breath. War
still going on apparently, however, for
I discover from a column reserved for
matter of secondary interest that 1,150
British casualties recently occurred
during the taking of a single trench in
Flanders. Deeds of heroism and other
details crowded out.
MAY. — "Join the Industrial Reserve."
It is officially explained at last that
there are plenty of men available, but
nothing like enough material with
which to win the War. Letters in the
Press suggest that the Volunteers would
find better employment for the super-
fluous time with which they seem to
be burdened if they devoted themselves
to work in the factories rather than to
playing at soldiers in the parks. Some-
what of a facer, but better to know the
truth in time. Get taken on by the
Willoughby Spare Parts Company, at
6d. an hour. As they only want full-
timers felt it incumbent on me to give
up my profession and income during
the War. This having involved a
removal into a tenement dwelling, see
nothing of Chapwing nowadays.
JUNE. — Great War Loan floated.
Chapwing unexpectedly drops in to
ask me what I am going to do about
it. Declares emphatically that, as the
War is to be won by money, it is the
part of every loyal man to throw in
his uttermost farthing — especially as
it is a full 4J per cent, and gilt-edged
security. He himself is applying for
£300, made up of £200 which he
happens to have lying idle at the bank
on deposit at 2 per cent., and £100
which Mrs. Chapwing and the children
have hitherto been lending to the Gov-
ernment at 2£ per cent, through the
medium of the Post Office Savings
Bank. Very distant when he hears
that I propose doing nothing. As a
matter of fact, although I did not care
to mention it, I happen unfortunately
to be rather heavily in debt just now.
AUGUST. — At last! The Loyal and
Patriotic Order of Semi-skilled Workers
having declared that they alone are
competent to do unskilled work, Wil-
loughbys reluctantly discharge me to
avert threatened strike. Decide that
I have now done about enough for
my country and had better look after
myself in future. Shave off my
whiskers and transplant them to an
unappropriated spot above, get well
coached up on the sight tests, lie
brazenly about my age, and enlist.
Excellent pay and prospects, and my
wife and family securely provided for.
Eather rough on my country perhaps,
but that is — or will be — its own
trouble. It also appears to be Chap-
wing's, to whom I have just broken
the entertaining news. Thoroughly
aroused at last, he demands, as the
Indignant Tax Payer, to know what
sort of a bill I think that he will
ultimately be called upon to pay if
the Army is to be composed of elderly
married men of questionable physique
and debilitated stamina ? Chapwing
be hanged ! I 'm off ! Left, right ;
left, right ; left— loft— left
" The Russian government expressed sincere
regret to the Swedish government for the
dropping of shells in territorial waters, ex-
plaining that the incident was due to a dense
dog at the scene of battle hindering accurate
firing." — Morning Paper.
Stupid creature ! But why didn't they
clear the coui'se ?
UNCH^OR_TI!i: I .' . M ,( )N_CHARIVARI._Auou.T 26 1915
PEACE TALK.
KAISER. "AT THE PEESENT BATE OF PBOGEESS OF MY DESTEUCTIYE SWORD THERE
WILL BE PEACE BEFOEE THE YEAR IS OUT."
SULTAN OF TURKEY. "AND SUPPOSING I CAN'T WAIT TILL THEN?"
AM, rsr -I'), 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
Sergeant (to Tommy, who has fallen out for the fourth time). " WHAT! AT IT AGAIN ? You KNOW you ot JOIXKD
THIS 'EUK REGIMEKT, ME LAD. You OCOHT TO 'AVK JOI1JED THE PLTISO COBPS. THEY OSLY LETS YOO FAIX OCT OSC« TUSHK I "
A TERRITORIAL IN INDIA.
IX.
My DEAR MR. PUNCH, — " A fortnight
in the Himalayas for three pounds"
sounds like a more than ordinarily
catchy advertisement of a touring com-
pany. Nevertheless, thanks to cheap
railway "concession" tickets, it has
the experience of some of the
Territorials in India during the last
fc\v months. You will rejoice to learn
that, by the exercise of a desperate and
prolonged economy, I contrived to join
a party of eight from our battalion
who made the excursion. The painful
memories of that period of self-denial
(consider, if you can, the plight of a
hungry and thirsty soldier saying " No "
to the cake wallah and the pop tvallah
day after day to the point of exhaus-
tion) have been more than effaced by
blissful recollections of the ensuing
fortnight's furlough in a well-known
hill station.
There were unforeseen results of this
sudden transference of eight rather
washed -out and emaciated Terriers
from the dull routine of existence in a
stifling fort on the blistering and dust-
swept plains to the delights of a healtb-
ivxni't seven thousand feet in the air.
The drop in temperature, for example,
gave us all violent colds in the head.
The revolution in diet produced the
most lamentable internal disturbances.
And, most striking of all, the unaccus-
tomed proximity of numbers of white
girls promoted an unparalleled outburst
of amorous emotion among several of
our party.
The worst case was that of Private
Milo. I will not weary you with a
catalogue of his philanderings, but if
you will believe me he returned to the
Plains (none too soon) engaged to no
fewer than seventeen attractive and
trustful English girls. It seemed an
impossible position. We could see no
conceivable way out for him.
But nature has her own method of
solving these problems. The strain of
writing seventeen affectionate letters a
day in this climate proved too much
for him, and he is now in hospital.
Before entering he left instructions
that all letters from the betrayed ones
should be returned .unopened, marked
in the top left-hand corner in red ink,
"Deceased," which, after all, he ex-
plained, is only another way of spelling
"diseased," which in turn is only
another way of saying " ill."
Well, much may be forgiven a man
suddenly translated into such .society
after an ascetic existence of eight
months on the high seas and in military
cantonments.
The return to the Plains and the
unending miseries of prickly heat was
a sad business. The mere change from
a maximum shade temperature of 70
degrees to one of 119 induced a pro-
found depression of spirit. And we
have grave doubts with regard to that
official maximum of 119. According
to our own calculations there must bo
an error of at least 100 degrees. I put
it to you that when an entrenching tool
exposed to the rays of the sun for throe
minutes becomes hot enough to fry
eggs on with ease, it is absurd to talk
of a shade maximum of 119 degrees.
Every man you meet here has heard of
another man who has done this egg
trick.
We have now more or less settled
down again to the dreary monotony of
Fort life, for ever making ready for
something which never happens. Of
course it is necessary to be prepared
for emergencies, but this constant train-
ing for hypothetical situations is very
wearisome. Sometimes, it is true, it
leads to strange results. One of the
strangest was related to me by an
N.C.O. of the Regulars a few days ago.
A movable column had been organ-
ised in his battalion and frequent
174
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AUGUST 25, 1915.
parades were held. A very fine state
of efficiency was attained, and at the
given order the column would he ready
in an almost inconceivably short time
to move oft', equipped to the last detail.
Only it never moved.
Included in the supplies carried by
the movable column was a fresh meat
ration consisting of two live sheep.
They were intelligent sheep, and after
a few practices they learned to leave
their grazing on their own initiative,
and spontaneously take up their proper
positions in the column. Soon this
procedure came to be taken .as a matter
of course, and the fresh meat ration
was trusted implicitly to do its duty.
But on a day, to the dismay of those
in authority, one of the sheep
was missing. Great was the
consternation, for this was
the first lapse in the splendid
efficiency of the column.
Search was made, and the
errant animal was discovered
peacefully feeding in its
accustomed haunts. Then
occurred a remarkable inci-
dent, which I should hesitate
to believe if it had not been
related to me by an old
soldier.
Anticipating censure, the
delinquent, who, it seems,
had been observant enough
to acquire a knowledge of
army language as well as of
army routine, turned to its
pursuers and said wearily,
" I know what you 're going
to say, but straight, I can't
sea the use of well
falling in, time after time,
when no - - thing ever
happens. It 's a — — farce,
that 's what I call it ! "
of course we know that actually it is
an essential duty we are performing.
In our dreams we slay Germans by the
WAENING TO VOLUNTEERS.
[A member of the National Guard was
thousand and earn countless decora- ! recently requested to leave a Theatre on _the
tions. In our waking hours we collect
cigarette coupons and spend days de-
bating whether it would he better to
obtain a set of ninepins with the 750
coupons we now possess, or to collect a
further 500 and get a concertina.
The increased ration allowance of
three annas a day recently granted will
(when it comes) brighten our lot con-
siderably. I foresee marked changes
in our little social amenities. Up till
now the highest possible expression of
reckless generosity towards a friend
has been to
say,
' Come and have a
9558%
Officer. "WHY, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH THIS? THAT'S
EXCELLENT SOUP."
Private. "YES, SIB — THAT'S WHAT WE SEZ, Sin."
Officer. "VERT WELL, THEN. WHAT'S THE COMPLAINT?"
Private. "Ii AIN'T THE SOUP, SIR; IT'S THE COOK. 'E CALLS
IT STEW."
I penny custard at the Soldiers' Home."
As I have said, our life here is a In future there will doubtless be sub-
deadly dull affair, and the smallest \ stituted some princely offer, such as
humorous incident comes as a welcome
break in the monotony. We are sin-
cerely grateful to our Detachment
Quartermaster-Sergeant for an adven-
ture which befell him a few days ago.
He was taking a solitary ramble outside
the Fort in the early morning and
wished to cross a certain bridge, at the
head of which was mounted a native
guard. The sentry, however, refused
to allow him to pass ; but, knowing no
English, could not explain his action
in words, till, after a dubious search,
he pointed earnestly to one of a large
number of prohibitory notices affixed
to the wall. It read : "Elephants and
traction engines are not allowed to cross
this bridge."
There is no doubt that the hearts of
very few of the Territorials now garri-
soning India are in their work, though
" Come and have a mutton pie and a
bottle of pop."
Yours ever,
ONE OF THE PUNCH BRIGADE.
An Irish paper's contents bill : —
" BOUT OF TUEKS
IN CAUCUSES."
The old Turks never took kindly to the
new politics.
" A hotel-keeper in Prussia possessed a jack-
daw which had considerable proficiency as a
talker. An official of some sort provoked this
bird into a display of his linguistic attain-
ments. The jackdaw said no more than might
be expected — its tuition had been most com-
prehensive— but its owner was heavily fined
for disrespect to the Kaiser." — Star.
The bird must have said something
about Rheims.
ground that he was wearing an " unauthorised
uniform."]
WE are favoured with an advance
copy of the following notice to the
Piptown Battalion of the Humpshire
National Defence Force : —
PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL.
It is rumoured that the Military
Authorities are. organising a raid, which
may take the form of a house-to-
house search for incriminating evidence
against persons suspected of connec-
tion with Home Defence Organisations.
Uniforms and accoutrements should be
deposited in cisterns or
buried.
Members who possess lofts
or cellars suitable for Com-
pany drill are requested to
leave particulars in cuneiform
characters under the roots of
the old elm-tree in the sports
field.
Pyjama'parades will beheld
during the coming month.
Upon pronouncement of the
password, code orders will be
handed to members by the
Commanding Officer, who
will attend, suitably disguised,
at the municipal dust-shoot
nightly at 11.45 P.M.
Owing to strong pressure
brought to bear upon the
Army Council the platoon re-
cently captured while route-
marching by the police will
be accorded the honour of a
military execution at the
Tower. The condemned men
are indebted to the wife of
our Quartermaster for this concession.
This unfortunate incident will result
in the creation of a limited number of
vacancies in the Piptown Battalion,
but intending members are warned
that they are liable to be hanged at
dawn if discovered in any act bearing
a colourable resemblance to military
operations.
"The Countess of who is offering
free grouse shooting near Guildford to wounded
officers." — Morning Paper.
Very sporting of the grouse to come
down South for this patriotic purpose.
Who dares to say that the Irish
Volunteers are not to be taken seriously ?
At a recent meeting of the Brian Boru
corps the following resolution \vas
passed unanimously : —
" That in the opinion of this corps Mr. ,
one of our most staunch members, is fully
qualified for the position of Baker at the Clare
Asylum."
AUGUST 25. 1915.] PUNCH,_OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
A DEAD SECRET.
LAST Thursday morning I met tlio
latest subaltern looking more like
Ifajor-General than usual.
"Hallo!" I exclaimed, "what are
you up to? "
" Just had my hair cut," he replied
"come and have some lunch. Aunt
Sims and Joan are staying with us
anil Jimmy Battersby is turning up."
On the way conversation was inter-
mittent; Archibald had something on
his mind.
" It 'a the barber," I said to myself;
" too much off the matting."
Suddenly, on his very doorstep,
Archibald unburdened himself.
" 1 say," he jerked out, " we 're
going out — next week, i think."
I shook his hand and gave him my
blessing.
" Of course," he added with sig-
nificant inflection, " this is a deadly
secret, so don't breathe a word to
anybody."
I placed a hand upon the centre of
my knitted waistcoat and promised
upon my honour as a ratepayer.
But it wasn't so easy as all that.
I sat next to Joan at lunch. After
the preliminaries were over I remarked
casually, " I wonder what Archibald
will — " and stopped suddenly and
began to find something in my soup.
" Aha t " I exclaimed in an undertone,
" there he is — a peppercorn."
" Yes," said Joan expectantly, " what
were you going to say about Archie? "
" Oh yes 1 " I smiled bravely ; " how
stupid of me! It's his hair. He's
had it cut, you know."
Joan gave me a diffident glance and
continued her soup, and I pulled myself
together and chased a piece of carrot.
I turned to Archie's mother. Anyhow
she would know all about it, so there
would be absolutely no temptation to
say anything.
We talked very nicely about (1) cook-
ing, (2) steam-laundries, (3) the price
of coal, until I remarked reflectively
and apropos of nothing, " Yes, it 's hard
luck on you — very."
"How do you mean?" she asked.
And there I was again.
" Well," I explained, "I don't mean
the cooking and it isn't exactly the
price of coal. It must be the steam -
laundries. Yes, of course, that's it.
It 's the steam-laundries."
" Oh ! " exclaimed Archie's mother —
just " Oh 1" So I escaped again ; but
not for long. Jimmy 'Battersby had
ino in difficulties with the pineapple
ielly, and I just saved myself from
Aunt Sims by dropping the salted
almonds on the floor— a last effort of
a rapidly degenerating intelligence.
First Young Lady.
jL, I CALM IT."
' LOOK AT 'Ell. ACKSHALL; TIKIS OH WIV A CIVILIAN. DlK)BICC-
For just about this time I began to
realise that I was beaten. I simply
couldn't stand it any longer. I would
ill my glass, rise gracefully, and,
jovving to Archibald, say, "Permit me
;o take wine with you and wish you
well as I understand you are going to
;he Front next week."
I pictured the sensation and wondered
vaguely whether the subsequent court-
martial would shoot me like a gen-
.leman or hang me as a journalist.
Then Archie's mother rose and lunch
ame to an end.
In the ensuing movement I side-
slipped into the bow-window to look
at the view, and whispered very
quietly to an acacia, " Archie is going
,0 the Front next week."
I said it twice. It did me a lot of
good.
On the way to the library I hung
behind and had a little conversation
with the dumb waiter — perfectly safe.
Then there was Venus of the Medici
(in marble) discreetly concealed in a
corner of the hall. I confided in her.
The worst was over. I entered the
library full of confidence in my powers
of secrecy.
Everybody was collected round the
latest subaltern. There was a perfect
buzz of conversation, and above it I
heard the voice of Archibald : —
"Next week, I think; but don't
breathe a word to anyone. It's a
deadly secret."
"THE DARDANELLES.
TROOPS STRAIOHTKSINO THE Fasor."
Rhodetia Herald.
In this instance they don't seem to have
been conspicuously successful.
176
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AUGUST 25, 1915.
TONSORIAL FINANCE.
YESTERDAY morning I overslept my-
self, a thing I very rarely do uninten-
tionally. I was much annoyed, as I
had an important appointment in the
City at mid-day ; and a glance at my
watch showed mo that I had barely
twenty minutes in which to make my
toilet and reach the station. Breakfast
was entirely out of the question, and
most likely out of the breakfast room,
too.
I calculated that — even forgoing my
bath — I had not sullicient time to
shave, wash and dress, but that I hail
just time enough to wash and dress, or
shave and dress, or wash and shave.
The last combination, though undoubt-
edly tho most hygienic of the three,
would not have been thoroughly under-
stood in my neighbourhood, and conse-
quently I bad to reject it in favour of
one of the others. The middle one
seemed to offer alluring possibilities so
far as the shave implied a partial
washing of my face, but unfortunately
it required concentration. The first,
therefore, appeared to be the most
reasonable course to pursue; indeed,
when I again looked at my watch I
found that I had been so long deciding
that there was no practicable alterna-
tive available.
I eventually caught the guard's van
just as it was disappearing through the
exit. A close scrutiny of the guard's
features revealed the fact that he too
was unshaven. In fact he could not
have used a razor for at least fifteen
years, for his beard practically ended
where his whistle began. He was
otherwise an intelligent fellow, and re-
peated the names of the stations quite
prettily.
On arrival at the terminus I found
that I had a quarter-of-an-hour to
spare, so I determined to sample a
hitherto unexplored luxury. I would
have a professional shave. Close to
the station I saw the sign of a barber,
who professed to perform the operation
for threepence; so I entered, and a
brigand of doubtful nationality at once
took my bat away from me. Another
invited me into a chair and recited the
bill of fare from memory.
" Shave," I said briefly, and the revels
commenced.
"Ever shave yourself, Sir?" asked
the man as be paused to put more
desiccated soap on the brush.
Now, I thought to myself, this is
where he is trying to have me. If I
say " Yes " he '11 want me to buy a
patent non - skid razor or a safety
shaving-brush. If I say "No" he'll
try to sell me a ticket for the estab-
lishment's Toilet Club. So then and
there I engaged a purely hypothetical j
valet.
" My man usually shaves me," I
answered.
" Then, Sir," persisted the fellow, " I
am sure be could not get a better result
than with one of our celebrated —
"All, I'm afraid that is his depart-
ment entirely," I interposed. " I never
interfere with my servants — not now.
I remember how annoyed my cook once
was when I brought home an automatic
rolling-pin."
Then the barber began to relather
me, and while my mouth was still
incapable of self-defence be did his
utmost to sell me, successively, a bottle
of hair-wash, a face-lotion, a sanitary
hair-brush and a shampoo-powder.
" Look hero," I said at length, " I
have an important appointment in
exactly five minutes. Will it facilitate
matters if I buy something ? "
The man assured me that it would
do all that and make him happy for
the whole day besides.
"Then," said I, "you may sell me
a half-crown bottle of moustache-
pomade."
" Certainly, Sir," he said, mollified ;
"but I thought you shaved the upper
lip?"
"It's not for myself," I explained,
" it 's for a friend who has never ex-
perienced the boon of a shave by an
expert. To be exact he 'a a railway-
guard endowed by nature with luxuriant
vegetation. Shall we get on ? "
We got on.
" Brush your hair, Sir ? "
I surveyed it.
" Since you 've rumpled it," I replied,
" I think it is the least you can do."
He proceeded to do the least he
could do.
" Pay at the desk, please. Next gen-
tleman ! Take three shillings, Miss."
" Er — two-and-nine, surely ? " I de-
murred, lifting my eyebrows a notch
higher.
" Hair-brush, threepence," was his
answer.
The lady, an adept at high finance,
successfully negotiated the two half-
crowns I gave her. Then I turned
and handed my man a penny and a
bright smile. He said nothing to either.
There flashed across my mind the
thought that, like a waiter, he only
expected ten per cent, of the threepence.
(The hair-brushing he had himself in-
curred, and of course he received com-
mission on the sale of the pomade ;
therefore he was only entitled to expect
a tip for actual work done on my
behalf.) I concluded that he was in
doubt as to whether I expected seven
centimes change.
"That 's for you — to keep," I said.
He controlled his emotion so well
that I increased the bonus to twopence.
Then at last he said, " Thank you, Sir."
The hatter next approached and, to
avoid any unpleasantness, 1 gave him
twopence straight off.
" Much obliged, Sir," he said. "Take
fourpence, please, Miss."
This was unexpected.
" I never told you to iron my hat," I
burst out. " You never asked me if
you might. I consider it a great im-
pertinence for anyone — I don't care
who it is — to play fast and loose with
my hat without permission. I will
overlook it this time, but —
As he was no longer listening I con-
sidered it futile to go on. I gave the
lady at the desk tho additional four-
pence and was making my way to the
door when a third assistant rushed at
me with a brush and swept me all over.
When he had finished he was panting
with satisfaction.
"Well? "I said.
" Yessir."
" Don't you call out ' Take fourpence,
please, Miss,' like that other man ? "
" Oh, no, Sir. I do the brushing
quite on my own."
"Tell me," I continued, "what you
expect for the unnecessary and unsoli-
cited brushing' of an entirely new suit
of clothes? "
Under pressure he admitted that
most gents gave him twopence. So
I gave him what he suggested and
mentally calculated that he earned, on
the average, a penny a minute, or, in
an eight hours' day, a matter of two
pounds. In other words, some £000
a year.
Then, as nobody else seemed to want
anything, I walked out.
I was late for my appointment, and
my friend, I was informed, had waited
a quarter-of-an-hour and then gone off.
The consequence was that I had to
play dominoes with an almost entire
stranger.
When I arrived home in the after-
noon I made out the following account :
s. d,
1 Premeditated shave ....
1 Diplomatic pommade hongroise 2 6
1 Compulsory hair-brush . . .
1 Tip to barber
1 Unsolicited hat-iron ....
1 Gratuity to hatter
1 Largesse to brush-brandisher .
Loss at dominoes (due to delay
at barber's) 5 7
9 5
"SOUTH AFRICA.
GERMAN INTRIGUE.
HAT THE UNION TROOPS FOUND."
Cork Constitution,
This is believed to be the one the
KAISER talked through.
AUGUST 25, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR TJIELONDON- CHARIVARI
POMMES-DE-TERRE FRITES.
(somewhere in France). "I SAY, SIMPSON, WHY ABE ALL THOSE MEN BUSHI.NO urro THAI PLACB?
Simpson. "THEY "BE AFTER BOMBABDIEB FBITZ, SIB."
Officer. "WHO'S BOMBABDIEB FBITZ? Is HE IN THE BATTERY?"
Simpson. "HE AIN'T A MAN, SIB; HE'S FRIED POTATOES."
WHAT ABE THEY Amu?'
A TONIC.
\ everything."
" You want a pick-me-up," I said.
1 You know I never drink liqueurs at any time."
" \Ylio said-anything about drinking? I didn't."
'• I never heard of anyone eating a pick-me-up, and,
anyhow. I don't feel like eating."
" Look here, Sybil," I said, " you 're in a bad way. I '11
tell you what we're going to do. I 've hoard of a woman's
doctor who's considered very good at this kind of tiling,
•largos nothing for advice."
" M in or w.iinan ? "
"\\cll," 1 said, "it's a woman's name on the plate
aihl a woman p. v scribes, but, from what I've heard,
the tval doctor, who makes up the medicines, is a man."
"I suppose you've consulted her?" said Sybil witli a
S'.viivhing look.
" Never," I said: "Heaven forbid! She's entirely a
a's doctor. She'd laugh at me. I expset."
" If she charges nothing," said Sybil, " what does she do
it for?"
" O!i, it 's only the advice that 's free. It 's the medicine
si ic make-, it on ; and she does well, I 'in told. Come along;
I ve got a cheque for royalties to-day, so I don't care if
it s two guineas a time."
VW took a taxi and got down at a well-groomed door.
" There 's the doctor's plate," I said ; •• first floor for
the consulting-room."
" Ah," said Sybil, reading the name, " I 've heard of her.
She '11 do."
" Yes," I said, " but don't forget it 's Celeste's hu
who really trims the hats. Choose a nice one. 1 '1
down here and have a smoke."
"Thanks," said Sybil, mounting the stairs; "I (eel a
little better already."
TO MY POSTMAII).
SINCE that great moment when, my he irt's enslaver,
You donned the brassard of the i'.M .< I.
And first began — no ordinary favour —
To call upon a simple bard like me,
I 've often thought, to make your visits more,
Of sending dummy screeds to my own door.
Each morn, with bashful qualms made wan and quivery,
I lurk behind my win iow.s and await
The hour (8.22) of your delivery,
And when you foot it through my garden gate,
However vile the missive that you bring,
You 'd hardly credit how I bless the thing.
My correspondence, as perhaps you 've noted,
Contains no message that a maid has penned,
So please infer from this that I 'in devoted
To you alone, and if you 'd care to send
A gleam of hope and comfort to a chap
My letter-box is always there. Verb, sap I
178
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AUGUST 25, 1915.
SEA-SOCKS.
' WELL," said Francesca, " \ve 're at the seaside again."
" Francesca," I said, "your remark is not merely pro-
bub-bub-bub-bit ' ; and when I come in you'll shout across
the modest tract of water which separates the sexes that
it's pup-pup-pup-perfectly dud -dud -dud -delightful, and
when I reply that it 's chilly you '11 all lul-lul-lul-laugh as
foundly original, but it 's absolutely true. We left our I if you wanted to be taken for natives of Greenland's icy
happy home, we took tickets, we entered a railway carriage, mountains. I know you."
we lunched out of a basket on sandwiches and hard-boiled
eggs "
" Did you want them soft-boiled? " she asked.
" How you put me off," I said. " You can't deny my
statements, so you try to confuse me with flippant inter-
ruptions. But I will not be confused. I insist on saying
that we lunched on sandwiches and hard-boiled eggs."
"It's always done," she said, "by those who go to the
seaside. You couldn't get there without it."
"You forget," I said, "the bottle of milk. I'm not
much of a drinker of milk neat myself, but I always look
upon it as essential to a family journey."
" We had that and all the other essentials," she said.
" Nothing was forgotten,
not even the salt for the
hard-boiled eggs," she
added.
" Oh, bother the hard-
boiled eggs," I said ; " I
was beginning to forget
them."
" / didn't drag them
into this discussion," she
said.
" No," I said, " it was
I who mentioned them
first, but I meant that to
be the last of them. Let
us stop this conversation
before we are carried too
far. I agree that we 're
at the seaside again."
"Come," she said,
"that's really handsome
of you. When a man 's
in the wrong he can't do
more than admit it. I
believe it 's the proof of
a generous and manly mind."
" But," I said, " I 've admitted nothing,
wrong."
" Then," she said, " I take back the generous and manly
Doctor. "How DO YOU FEEL, COLONEL, WHEN you HAVE ACTUALLY
KILLED A MAN ? "
Colonel. "Os, NOT so BAD.
I wasn't in the
mind.
You can't," I said.
" I 've got it and I mean to keep it."
"All right," she said, "you can; and I'll keep my sea-
side. You shall consider yourself in the Midlands if you
I said, " they make plenty of munitions in
Birmingham, where I am, is a tremendous
like."
" Anyhow,"
the Midlands.
producer of shells. You can't say that for Totland Bay,
where you are."
" No," she said, " but I 've got the sea, and I 'm going to
bathe in it. What are you going to do ? "
" I suppose I shall have to bathe too. The children
seem to expect it of me."
"You don't seem to be very enthusiastic about it."
" Won't it be rather cold ? " I said.
" Cold ! " she said. " If I don't mind, and the children
don't mind, who are you that you should find it too cold?"
" But you '11 all be cold, too," I said, " only you won't
admit it. As you emerge from your cabin in your bathing
costume and indiarubber cap complete, you '11 ask the
children if it 's cold, and they '11 all answer, ' No-no-not a
"Ha-ha," she said, "he knows us, does this father-of-a-
family, and he isn't going to bathe in the sea, isn't he, and
all because he 's afraid of a little cold water? "
" Francesca," I said, " can you keep a secret ? "
" Yes," she said, " as well as most men."
" Then I '11 tell you one," I said. " I 'm not a bit afraid
of ice-cold salt water — indeed I revel in it. No porpoise
could revel more than I do when once I 've taken the
plunge. What I 'm really afraid of is my socks."
" Your socks ! How can socks make a man afraid ? "
" I don't know about other men. I only know they 're
too much for me. It 's this way. You know how sticky
salt water is — that 's why you wear that hideous thing over
your head."
" It looks very well in
the pictures," she said.
" Yes, but it doesn't
look well at the seaside.
Well, my hair doesn't
matter, you know, and
as for the rest of me I
can manage all right
after I 've come out of
the water. I can dry
myself as well as anyone
— at least I think I can,
though I 've never had a
regular drying competi-
tion with other men —
" My poor dear," said
Francesca anxiously,
" what are you driving
at?"
"I'm driving at my
socks. All the salt- v
stickiness gets into my
feet, and when I come
to put my socks on, why,
I simply can't do it. They won't go on. First I tug
and then I coax, and then I work my toes about, and then
I pull away the socks and rub my feet raw with a rough
towel, but it 's all useless. The socks will not go on. The
strain is something terrible. Think of it, Francesca, you
who wear stockings, if I may say so, to be defied by two
little dumb socks. It thoroughly unmans me, this eternal
struggle. I 'm getting too old to face it any more. I shall
never come to the seaside again."
" It 's dreadful," she agreed. " But, since you are here,
you 'd better have another go at it. I 've noticed you
generally get them on in the end."
" But the end is so hard to attain."
" Never mind," she said ; " the bathe will be pup-pup-
perfectly dud-dud-delightful." E. C. L.
DO YOU?"
Legal Fiction.
" Notes and Decisions under the Representation of the People Acts
and the liegistraticn Acts, 1914. By \Vm. Lawson, LL.D., B.L.,
Revising Barrister for the County of Dublin. (Dublin : A. Thorn
and Co. 6s. net.)
[A story bringing us buck to the spacious days of Queen Bess, when
piracy on the high seas was almost quite fashionable. The adventures
of the mysterious ' Captain ' Adam and the Spanish Don will be
followed with interest.] " — Irish Independent.
AUGUST 25, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
178
Orderly Officer. ' ' TUKN OUT THE GUAED ! '
Sentry (formerly in commerce). " SHOP 1 "
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)
AIus. HENRY DUDENEY is one of the few women writers
to-day who possess what could be called the large manner.
Her new book, The Secret Son (METHUEN), is a good
example of this — a homely tale of rustic happenings
touched with a real sense of tragedy. A Sussex down-
land farm is the scene of it, and something of this country
of wide spaces seems to have got into the treatment, so
that while the story is for the most part unhappy it is
never morbid. It must be confessed that some antiseptic
influence of the kind is needed. Of the four women who
make any considerable appearance in the action, one is
half-witted, and the other three have all, as the melodramas
say, taken the wrong turning. Which seems " above the
average that statistics have laid down for our guidance " ;
at least, one would prefer to think so. The virtue of the
book lies partly in the character of Nancy and in the
handling of her love for Morris, who was the son, not of
her proper husband, but of the consumptive squire,
Clihincri/. Then, when in his turn Morris falls in love,
the woman whom he is about to marry has to make to him
a confession of tho same flaw ; and Nancy, who has never
dared tell the truth of his own origin to the son whom she
adores, must look on and see him suffer. Nor is this all;
in yet a third generation the same misery comes, till, as
Morris says to his mother, it all threatens to " happen over
again like a giddy go round." Mrs. DUDENEY'S picture of
country life is not exactly a pretty one ; but she deserves
the more credit for having brought out the beauty and
humanity of it, as well as the horror. There is plenty of
the last in the scene where Cliinneri/'s half-lunatic wife
and the peasant-woman whom he really loved meet over
his death-bed. In short, a moving and in many ways a
beautiful story, but one to be prescribed with caution.
Why have so many of our novelists taken to producing
enormous volumes marked by a pre-Raphaelite fidelity to
detail? The latest convert is Mr. W. S. MAUOHAM, whose
usual manner I seem to recall as rather impressionistic.
But in his new novel, Of Human Bondage (HEINEMANX), In-
is, so to speak, as Jean Christophy as the best of tin-in.
This is the kind of book that tells you in six hundred and
fifty pages all you want to know about a group of characters,
and a great deal more. It is a method that resembles the
historic little girl : when it is good it is very, very good, and
when it is not it is horridly boring. Mr. MAUGHAM'S case ie
is not quite so bad as that ; but though his book manages
to be quite wonderfully good in parts, it yet leaves a
general impression of boredom. . The trouble is that the
central character, whose career as school-boy, art-student,
doctor, shop-walker, and the rest of it, we are com-
pelled to follow so closely, never inspires enough personal
interest to make the labour one of love. Indeed, it seems
hardly in order to speak of the two protagonists as hero
and heroine ; Philip remains to the last nebulous and un-
interesting, while Mildred is real enough certainly, hut so
entirely detestable that we are impatient to be rid of her
society. Fortunately there are other characters in a crowded
canvas that make up for these. Hit* Price, for example,
the bitter-souled little student, starving in Paris on a faitt
in her own utterly imaginary genius, is one of the most
haunting and tragic figures that I have met with in recent
180
PUNCH, OR
THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AUGUST 25, 1915.
fiction. To balance her \ve have another and very different
portrait in Philip's aunt, small, tremulous Mrs. Carey, with
her pathetic love for a boorish husband and an unresponsive
nephew. For these two women alone the book was worth
writing. If only there was not quite so much of it !
The eponymous hero of Edwards, by Mr. BARRY PAIN
(WEISNEK LAURIE), is a gentleman who, having drawn the
suburbs blank, settles in London as a jobbing gardener and
proceeds to defraud humanity — or rather such portions of
humanity as are ill-advised enough to employ his time, of
which he cheats them, and his energies, which he reserves
for the beer-bottle and the tap-room. Edwards in his
jobbing way is as great a rogue as Barry Lyndon, and
what THACKERAY did for Lyndon Mr. BARKY PAIN here
does for Edwards. He allows him to describe himself
and his rogueries with the most perfect frankness and in
the regretful spirit of one who, in spite of occasional
successes, has on the whole
come off second best in his
struggles against the harsh-
ness and cruelty of a censori-
ous world. Edwards is a
shrewd commentator on his
own foibles, which he admires,
and the foibles of others, which
he despises even while he pro-
"fits by them. He describes
the stages of the gardening
fever to which ladies are liable.
" There was one garden I used
to look after up Hampstead
way. At first it was all peace
and quietness there. Nobody
ever came into the garden
except me and the cats ... If
you managed to mow a lawn
which were about six yards i
square in an eight hours' day ;
that was all that was expected,
and the lady would ask you if
you weren't tired when you
left, and not mean it in a
nasty way either." Then came
the fever, and the lady wanted
daffodils and told Edwards
to get a packet of the seed and sow it at once. Finally,
" she give me a shilling and I got a nice sixpenny pot of
daffodils with it for the trade price of fourpence." Then
the lady bartered her husband's new suit of clothes for
fuchsias, and so on till she ordered Edwards to take up the
lawn, put in proper drainage and relay it. Of course he
couldn't stand this, so he left, and his employer lost a
treasure of drink and incompetence. Everybody will be
glad to learn that the marriage of Edivards did not make
him happy. Too much- seemed to be expected of him.
Mr. BARHY PAIN knows a great deal about gardeners. Can
he tell me why a gardener, though he always goes about
his duties without a coat, invariably retains his waistcoat,
Customer (with impediment). "I WANT A C-C-CLOCK."
Sltapkeeper. "SoRRY, SIR; WE DON'T STOCK CUCKOO CLOCKS."
Customer. "Bui I DON'T WANT A C-C-CUC-K-K-OO C-C-CLOCK.
I ONLY WANT A C-C-CLOCK."
even in the hottest weather,
fetish ?
Is the waistcoat a gardening
In The German Peril (UNWIN), Mr. FREDERIC HARRISON
reprints, with comments to date, his chief utterances on
the German menace from 1863 onwards, and they make an
instructive if somewhat too obviously self-regarding docu-
ment. As Mr. HARRISON has a short sharp way of dealing
with those who venture to differ from him, labelling them
"sanctimonious purists," "snivelling journalists," or bab-
blers of "idiotic drivel," a reviewer is fairly warned before-
hand. Perhaps one's chief feeling is that our author was
so substantially right in his pleadings and prophecies (he
know his history and he knew his Hun) that lie might deal
a little less vehemently with his opponents ; might perhaps
have remembered that to be right on main issues is not
equivalent to a patent of infallibility on all detail. In the
controversy of the submarine crews, for instance, in which
he was the chief advocate of the reprisals-for-piracy theory,
he certainly forgot that it was little use attempting to deal
with such matters till we were in a position to deal effec-
tively. And anyway how were these feats of the submarine,
even the crowning infamy of the Lusitania, a whit worse
than several of the more devilish outrages in Belgium and
France ? Meanwhile Mr. HARRISON'S eloquence helps us
to remember — no useless function, for the mind has so
surfeited on the recital of horrors that the spirit has become
a little insensitive to their significance. If we must recruit
by advertisement, I'd sooner
see real extracts, not polite
summaries, from the Belgian
and French Eeports than the
ingenious sophistries of the
War Office experts. We cer-
tainly ought to have listened
to Mr. HARRISON, who was no
filibustering jingo. But we
believed what we wished to
believe, and our blindness is
only just a little excused be-
catise we trusted certain of our
leaders and our pundits.
The hero of Betty Wai/side
(HODDERANDSTOUGHTONJ was
a composer of genius ; the hero-
ine played the piano like an
angel ; the major villain was a
baritone ; and another man,
who had the makings of a
scamp, played the flute. So it
was music, music all the way.
But fresh evidence is given
here that to be in love with a
musical genius is not exactly to
1 lie on a bed of roses. When,
however, I remember that Walter Chippendale walked some-
times as if he was " possessed of devils," I am bound to
admit that he was not anything like so uncomfortable a
lover as he sounds. Indeed, I found his courtship of Betty
far more tolerable than the intrigues of a bevy of youths
and maidens whose many affairs of the heart strained my
patience to breaking point. The scenes of this hook are
laid in Sydney, and when the author — whose name, Louis
STONE, is unknown to me — has learned not to overcrowd
her stage all should be easy sailing for her. She has a
real love of music, and more than a little knowledge of
those wonderful (but slightly disturbing) people to whom
music is an absorbing passion.
The Sea Lion's Whelp.
" The Turkish battleship Hair-cd-Din was sunk by a British cub-
marine." — Birmingham Daily Post.
"His rendering of 'The Little Grey Home in the West' is
charming, and many people are really raving about it. be luilodar ad ah
trah ar th art htr." — South Pacific Mail.
Even the printer, you will observe, was affected.
Sr.ri KM ni-.it 1, L915.
ITNVH, nit TIII-: LONDON CIIAIMVAIM.
liis contention to lx> tliat he is not
knave, l)iit the other thing.
*
that when
CHARIVARIA.
A vol. i MI. of war speeches by Mr.
LI.OVD C.KOKOK is shortly to be puh We
lislied mxler the title, Thromjh Terror tastes the
tn TriHiiijili. It would he svrong, hosv- soldiers' dinners "he gulps down tlic Some of his best
to assume that this is intended stuff so condescendingly that even the that he has •
to represent the gradual evolution of Generals' eyes fill with tears." In
11 , i f 1 . i . *. i •
soup
tho K •
preparcil for hU
the sinking ..:
00 Ml
K had tin 1 1-.\ n ;:
the Hight Honourable gentleman from
•y to Idol. ,,. :;;
'•'.'•
ll\i(i)i.ii BEOBIE'S forthcoming
book about tho Angels at Mons is On of onion.
/' tltf Aiii/i-l*. So the
Angels are all right.
* *
An article on a dealer in
wild hearts mentions his "jolly
little colony of American
skunks," and tells us that
"twenty of these interesting
ires arrived direct from
Xe\\ York in first-class con-
dition. . . . They make great
pets and are quite harmless."
They must not be confused
with the hyphenated species
still to ho met with in America,
which are extremely offensive.
* ';•
:'.-•
Marshal VON HINDENBUHG s
has issued a series of
" commands " for German citi-
gens. As one of them is —
•• \hoiit turn! Face God and
the Fatherla'nd ; turn your
backs on frivolity and on mis-
trust of your leaders," we may
that her opinion of the
:it attitude of Germany
is unfavourable.
As milkmaids in Essex are
i-carce, milking is to bo taught
experimentally in the elemen-
ehools with the aid of
dummy cows. We rather de-
precate this innovation ; the
last thing wo want to en-
comiigo is the use of "the cow
with the iron tail."
*...*
The promotion of Captain
order that this touching effect m:iy A list of offenders, including a town
bo assured tho army co >ks are in- councdlor.a specie
structed, whenever the \Var- I»rd i-
expected, to double the usual quantits hohavelxHjn fined at So'
for showing lights in houses on the '
has been published under tho
' heading of •• Blind Leaders."
Do wo trace here a humorous
intention? ,. ,
A hundred thousand citizens
of Sofia are stated to have
assembled before the Italian
Legation and demanded the
intervention of Bulgaria
against Turkey. Tho total
population of the Bulgarian
•.1 at the last censti
luj.sl-j. and it is felt that the
other 2,812 owe an explanation
of their non-attendance.
* *
£
A proclamation has been
issued saying that all persons
who refuse to accept or con-
tinue work which is in the
public interest will !>e severely
punished. Persons who by
threats of force or other means
prevent others from working
will likewise he punched.
Perhaps we ought to add that
the proclamation has been
issued I >\
ernor-General in Brussels, and
does not apply to South Wales.
" I WISH I COULD OO OUT WITH YOU, TOM.
THEM GERMANS."
" DON'T YOU WORRY, MOTHER. You LEAVE 'EX TO HE!'
Tho GermanCnowN
is reported to have nv
informed his army that " as a
volcano of untamable force
shakes and quivers, so we
wait with unbroken vigour for
(tem-
porary Major) the Right "Honourable
Sir F. E. SMITH, Knt., Oxfordshire Yeo-
manry, to he a temporary Lieutenant-
Colonel has attracted much attention.
Some confusion has been caused by the ,
fact that a gentleman of the same ! the others do their own
had already been appointed a
rary Solicitor-General.
K: $
Mr. IUMSAY M.scDoNALD recently in-
A cynical correspondent of Notes and the day when the 1 er one
Oueries describing the ravages of book- orders us from the trenches.
worms in his library, remarks that receipt -of this information the troops
"with terible discrimination they under his command have been shakm
leave modern books alone." It is sup- and quivering more vigorously i
posed that some of them are too un-
wholesome even for a bookworm, while
'..•:.
It is quite a mistake to suppose that
the recent visit of the German air-ships
.Mr. UAMSAY .MAC-I;OXALD recently ..i- created no impression in Engla id A
forme,! an audience in the Oddfellows' j soldier writes ^rom the
Hall, Edinburgh, that if tho Indepen- i Zepps have
dent Labour "Party had criticised in
such a way that our country was
• •ned, they had not done it con-
sciously or deliberately. We gather
Mother was
been to our place,
frightened, but, as
and
you
know, the least thing upsets her."
* '•'
Shortly after receiving the news of
V
\\ e also hoar that the aspens of the
Argonne are saying some very
tilings about the untamable volcano
for having pinched their simile.
"The martin, w.n of tho 'quiet1 order,
there being no bridesmaid* or bridegroom.
CltckHeatM (Juardian.
But the presents were numerous and
handsome, so we dare say he was not
seriously missed.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [SEPTEMBER 1, 1915.
A DEAR OLD FETISH.
[The author of these lines has no great quarrel with those writers
(if any) who honestly believe that the adoption of National Service
would" bring in only ;v negligible' addition to the country's military
strength, though even so it would finally prove to our Allies that we
an- in earnest. But a very brief study of the facts would show that
among those who follow callings which contribute nothing to the
making of munitions or to our export trade or to any other national
need there must still be between two or three million men of fighting
age, a number probably not less than the total of those who have
enlisted for active service since the War began.]
SOME for their fathers' ancient faith will fight,
For land and liberty their lives will give,
But wo of England, if I read aright,
Have something dearer yet for which to live ;
"Take from us any joys you like," we cry;
" We 'd bear the loss, however much we missed 'em ;
Let truth and justice, fame and honour die,
But spare, 0 spare, our Voluntary System !
" "Tis true that other service owed the State
Lays on the general head its common due ;
One sticks it willy-nilly — tax or rate —
Nor leaves the man next door to pay for two;
But, should the Nation call for soldier's work,
Saying, ' I want more men ; I must enlist 'em ; '
Two million odd shall claim the right to shirk
By virtue of the Voluntary System."
Splendid ! For, if our strength is overtasked
For lack of larger service, man and gun,
And by compulsion (no one's leave being asked)
We are reduced to helots of the Hun;
How fine, from our address " Somewhere in Hell,"
When we have bowed to WILLIAM'S boots and
kissed 'em,
To boast — " Though England 's fallen, yet she fell
True to her hallowed Voluntary System."
0. S.
OUR REGIMENTAL SPORTS.
WE held them in camp, and they passed off with less
than usual of the friction commonly associated with such
events. It is true that the regulars who shared our
neighbourhood elected, in a spirit of friendly emulation, to
hdld their sports on the same day, but we came to an
amicable agreement as to the division of the available
wounded soldiers and other spectators. We didn't invite the
Provost-Marshal, partly because we thought that a number
of volunteers in uniform, complete with brassard, whilst
not engaged in strict military duties, might bring on an
attack of dyspepsia, and partly because we knew that he
was busy using his free pass to the music-halls.
In the tug-of-war, the Motor Squadron ought to have
been handicapped, as the practice which they had had
in hauling their cars out of ditches gave them an unfair
advantage. An attempt by A Company to make up for
their want of skill by trickery proved abortive. They
concealed entrenching tools about their persons and
promptly fell down and started digging themselves in.
There is a slight difference of opinion as to whether their
Company Commander was justified in blowing the " Cease
fire " on his whistle in order to encourage them at the
moment when they were on the verge of defeat.
The obstacle race was a great disappointment to the
Ambulance section, as there were scarcely any casualties
worth mentioning. The two men who were nearly suffo-
cated under the tarpaulin both "came to" while the
stretchers were being fetched, and the way in which
Holroyd's collar-bone refused to break was declared by the
Ambulance to bo contrary to all the rules of anatomy and
could only have been brought about by a malicious desire
to deprive them of a well-merited case. Holroyd says that
he always " takes off " from his collar-bone when going over
an obstacle and that he would have won the race but
for the officious interference of the Ambulance. In the end
the Ambulance section had to content themselves with one
sprained ankle, two barked shins, and Bailey's contused
eye. Bailey's eye got like that through the success of my
scheme in substituting a painted over-ripe egg for the apple
in his basin of water. The apple has to be got out of the
basin of water by the competitor with his mouth, without
the use of his hands. I explained to Bailey before the
race that the correct procedure was to get the apple
against the side of the basin and then give it a sharp bite.
If Bailey's apple hadn't been an egg he would have been
very successful, but he was so surprised when he found half
an unpalatable egg in his mouth that he dropped his glasses
in the basin. The Judge, who hadn't thoroughly grasped
the situation, refused to allow Bailey to fish for his glasses
and insisted on his proceeding with the race. Bailey, who
doesn't see very well with glasses and is practically blind
without them, set off in the wrong direction, trod on the
man next to him, and contused his eye on the basin next
but one. The man on whom Bailey trod was very cross
because, after two abortive attempts to eat his own beard,
he had just secured the apple and, owing to Bailey's
clumsiness, he had to start all over again.
If we had told the people who loaned us the forms that
we were going to use them for a land boat race I expect
that they would have supplied us with a more durable make
or else not loaned any at all. Higgs lost the race for our
Company by falling off in front of our boat. By the time
that wo had discovered that he was lying on the missing
leg of our form the Motor Squadron, whose mechanical
experience had enabled them to adjust the dislocated parts
of their form quicker than anyone else, had won the race.
In the Staff race the hired Cook's Mate, who doesn't
understand military discipline, tactlessly beat our Com-
mandant by about two ribs of beef. Our Commandant
was, as usual, closely followed by the Adjutant, with the
rest of the Staff at a respectful distance. The Camp
Quartermaster got a bad start owing to an ill-timed enquiry
by the cook as to whether any provision had been made
for the next morning's breakfast.
In spite of the misapplied energy of Bailey, Higgs and
Holroyd our Company scored the greatest number of points
and won the Company Challenge Cup. The only trouble
about that cup is that we don't know what to do with it
now that we have got it. Our Company Commander
condemned to carry it about with him for the rest of his life.
Whenever he puts it down someone picks it up and gives
it back to him. The last time that I saw him ho was starting
on a seven-mile march from the camp to the nearest railway
station carrying the cup, which had just been handed to
him for the fifteenth time.
"The Grand Duchess of Mecklenburg has been appointed Com-
mander-in-Chiof of the Turkish forces at the Dardanelles in room of
I.inian von Sanders." — Krcning Tunes (Glasijoir).
VON SAXDEBS is said to be much annoyed at being super-
seded by another old lady.
" DUCK SHOOTING AT CT.OONFINLOUOH.
A good many lovers of the rifle have visited the above lake and
brought down some fine birds, including Mr. Patrick Regan. Mr. Kerr
and I'addy Covahey, all of Strokestown." — Longford J,<
Little accidents of this kind are almost unavoidable when
people use rifles for duck-shooting.
I'l-XOH. OR THE LONDON CHABIVABL-fcr»«— l
THE NEW 'BATTLE OF THE BALTIC."
(after Nsusos-mfa a difference). "I SEE NO RUSSIAN VICTORY!"
Sl-.l'TKMHKU 1, 1915.]
NEW WAR BOOKS.
(From tin' I /mt nf .Vi'\.sr.s-. /Y//<>r ami
Pipyi.}
7.'AT(i/,/,/.;rV7().V,S' OF AN
A TOLI MI. of rich and arresting
individuality. The authoress was en
giigi-d in the household of one of tin
brothers of the present Emperor o
!\ BUNGAB-J not more than sixtj
i ago, and enjoyed exceptiona
opportunities for studying the inner
if the HATSBURGS, which she has
tin nod to excellent use in these palpi
tating pages. No such pen-picture o
the Aged Kmpcror as a young man has
luM'ti attempted.
Aati-iikhan cover with gilt top, 21s. net
\\itli a photogravure portrait of the
authoress in her Sunday best.
'MO1RS OF A
CHANCELLOR'S CHAUFFEUR.
A book of dynamic and magnetic
interest. The author was for two years
cliiiul'l'eur to Prince BULOW, formerly
(id-man Imperial Chancellor, and was,
as such, naturally the repository of his
nio,! intimate confidences. He accom-
panied the Prince on his memorable
mission to Italy, and gives a version
of the negotiations which is at once
\.-r:i,c.ious and enthralling.
Buckskin, with gilt monogram, 15s. net.
THE DIARY OF AN
IMPERIAL LOCKSMITH.
A work of drastic and astringent
ritality, appearing at the psychologic
moment. The writer, who enjoyed the
monopoly of keeping the locks at Pots-
dam in repair, was frequently in a
position to overhear some of the most
intimate conversations between the
KAISER and his Ministers.
Printed in Black Letter. 10s. 6d. net.
With numerous diagrams, and a Prefa-
tory Note by the Chevalier Le Queux.
THE
CHANCELLERIES OF EUROPE.
By AN HABITU^.
No one knows the Chancelleries of
Europe so well as the ubiquitous cos-
mopolitan who has penned this alluring
volume. Every one of them flings wide
its portals on hearing him approach,
and places at his disposal the most
documents in its archives. With
such facilities, how could he fail to write
a book of momentous poignancy ?
UNDER THK LIMES— AND ROSE.
A Book of Interesting Candour.
By X.
The identity of X is not likely ever
Old Lady (at Waxworks).
OH I I BEQ YOUR PARDON."
CAN YOC KINDLY DIRECT ME
be penetrated, because it is un-
cnown even to his publisher, profound
mystery having surrounded the sub-
mission of the priceless MS. His
revelations of Berlin's dark side, of
he secret police, of espionage and the
jrivate life of many of the actors in the
;reat world-drama, from The Highest
imself, have only to be read to be
erased. Order at once.
MEMOIRS OF AN
INTERNATIONAL BUTTONHOLE!}.
The Cavaliere Tufton Hunter, who is
a persona gratissima at all the Courts
>f South-Eastern Europe, and was
pecially decorated by the late Sultan
vith the Order of Veracity (Third
Class), in this enthralling volume re-
iorts the confidential conversations
hat he has had at different times with
CAVOCR, BISMARCK, CRISI-I, STAMBU-
I.CIFK and, through spiritistic means,
with JULIUS C.KSAR, HANNIIIAL, ATTILA,
PETER THE GREAT and NAPOLEON. The
character sketch of King FERDIXAXI>,
" the Bulgarian Botanist," as the author
wittily calls him, is alone worth the
money.
Limp crocodile cover, with purple edge*.
£2 '2s. net.
With a portrait of the author conversing
with BISMARCK at Hamburg, and a
Preface by the Emperor MKXKLIK.
" MANCHESTER CORPORATION BATHS.
SPECIAL NOTICE to BATHER*.
Throwing soap in the water is mo»t damag-
ing to its appearance."
It is; we once bad a most dainty-
looking piece of soap that was utterly
ruined in this way.
ISO
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [SBPTKMBBB 1, 1915.
rarely still, and he gives full measure, discourage or deter. His very essence
CHARLIE. i In the course of five minutes he receives ! is resiliency under difficulties, an un-
FOR weeks there has been no escap- 1 and distributes a myriad black eyes, abashed and undefcatable front.
ing him. Nations might be at eacli a myriad falls. He kicks abundantly
other's throats ; Zeppelins might be : and is abundantly kicked. He runs
dropping bombs upon sleeping families ; and is pursued. There is no physical
hopes and fears might make hearts j indignity that he does not suffer — and
beat faster, while a sense of calamity inflict. Such impartiality is rare in
filled the air; yet all the time his claims drama, where usually men are either
us a gravity-remover in cxcelsis have on top or underneath. In the ordinary
met one's eyes at every turn. Some-
times they were fortified by effigies of
himself, both life-size and gigantic, a
representation of one of which recently
our
way
top — as,
pet
for
comedians must be on
example, Mr. GEORGE
GRAVES with his serenely conquering
tongue. Even the clown, though he
found its way into a drawing in Mr. ' receives punishment en route, eventually
Punch's own pages. More than one ! triumphs,
weekly paper has been printing his dom wins.
autobiography serially.
The time clearly having come to
But CHARLIE CHAPLIN sel-
Circumstances are too much
By gestures rather than facial play
does he gain his ends — gestiu'es allied to
acrobatic gifts of no mean order. He
has a host of comic steps, a thousand
odd movements of his hands and head,
which, when brought into play under
domestic or social conditions, are ab-
surdly funny. With his hat, his stick
and his cigarette, he has also a vast
repertory of quaint actions; and it was
a wise instinct that caused him always
to appear in the same costume,
his especial fascination is that life finds
him always ready for it — not because
for him, and he goes out in a very riot he is armed by sagacity, but because he
of grotesque misfortune. With him, | is even better armed by folly. He is
investigate this personality, I entered however, are always our sympathies, first cousin to the village idiot, a natural
a cinema theatre which promised a These and a trifle of £500 a week (if child of nonsense, and, like A>
every time he rises from a
play with the famous man j
at his best. And then I
entered others, for Chap-
linism had caught me.
Whether or not CHARLIE
CHAPLIN is, as is claimed
for him by certain not
disinterested people, the
" funniest man on earth,"
I leave to others to de-
cide. Two persons rarely
agree on such nice points,
and I retire at once from
the arbitrament because I
don't know all the others.
But that he is funny is
beyond question. I will
swear to that. His hu-
mour is of such elemental
variety that he would
make a Tierra del Fuegan
or a Bushman of Central
Australia laugh not much
less than- our sophistical selves. One the paragraphs tell the truth) are his
needs no civilised culture to appreciate only reward ; for of course our laughter
the fun of the harlequinade, and to j he cannot hear. Yet I suppose no one
"WHAT YE DOING THERE, JARGE ? "
"OH, I BE JEST HIDING THIS NOTICE. YE SEE, IF THEY GERMANS
EVER DO LAND, I DOANT WANT 'EM TEH MISS ANYTHING."
knockdown blow he is the
stronger.
The promise of CHAPLIN
is sacred; the promise of
JOHN BRADBURY is not
more so. Seeing him, one
is assured that he is about
to make hay of all the
other dramatis pei'mnin'.
One may sit back safely
and prepare for fun. He
joins the film in his un-
obtrusive methodist way
as quietly as a smut
settling on a nose, nnd
behold he is the very spirit
of discord, the drollest of
all the lords of misrule.
Wherever he goes CHARLIE
CHAPLIN is crossing the
equator.
that has CHARLIE, with true instinct,
returned. But it is the harlequinade
accelerated, intensified, toned up for
the exacting taste of the great and
growing "picture" public. It is also
farce at its busiest, most furious.
CHARLIE has brought back that admir-
able form of humour which does not
disdain the co-operation of fisticuffs,
and in which, by way of variety, one
man is aimed at and another, too
intrusive, is hit. However long the
world may last, it is safe to say that
the spectacle of one man receiving a
blow meant for another will ever be
popular. Indeed the delivery of blows
at all will ever be popular. Thus —
glory be ! — are we built.
What strikes one quickly is the realisa-
tion of how much harder CHAKLIE works
than any other of the more illustrious
filmers. He is rarely out of the picture,
man has, in the same space of time,
ever made so many people laugh as he.
Whether his fellow cinema actors laugh
I cannot say. But everyone else does.
It is a curious thought that CHARLIE
does not hear it.
In the pictures CHARLIE has no
immediate rival, although on the actual
variety stage I have seen several drolls
very much in his tradition, which is
associated with the name of KARNO.
One detects the KARNO brand at once,
but in CHARLIE CHAPLIN, on the syn-
thesizing film, it has an extra drop of
nervous fluid. He has none of the
bland masterfulness of the urbane and
adventurous MAX LINDER ; he has none
of the massive repose of the late JOHN
BUNNY ; he is without the resource of
the Italian POLIDOR. He
a butt, or, at any rate, a victim
remains
at
Another "Quiet" Wedding.
' Great interest was taken in the wedding
Clopton on Wednesday. Councillor S.
Smith, of Kettoring, who presided, at once
closed the meeting and thanked the police for
their quiet and tactful manner."
Northampton Daily Chronicle.
"'Kingston Mixture' at 5d. per oz., or 1/7
per Ib. If you are a connoisseur this lilciul
will please you." — Forward (Glasgow).
So it will if you are an arithmetician
with a properly developed bu-
instinct.
" McGitKOon-CiiEERS. — At Simla, on the
6th Juno, 1915, the wife of J. Mc< •
Cheers, of twins — boy and girl." — Pioneer.
Good luck to the wee McGregors
(one more cheer) 1
From a naval officer's letter describ-
ing the destruction of the Konirjsberg:—
"We were at our stations from 8. -I ••
till 4.45 p.m, and 11 hours of that were under
fire." — Morning Paper.
of circumstances whom nothing can | How time does fly when you 're hap] >y '
AT THE FRONT.
Tin: ideal of every good soldier is, !
inn sure, In go through a hattle (h.i
isn't really dangerous and emerge from
it with a wound Ilia!, doesn't really
Inii-i. At the moment I have attainec
this disreputable consummation and an
in the rare and refreshing fruit stage.
We are all proud of ourselves, am
quito a number of the best people have
wired to let us know they are proud o
us, so perhaps I ought to let you know
about Our Battle. I can, I am afraid
only give it you from my point of view
At three something, A.M., during the
most horrible noise since the cubis!
orchestra disbanded, I attacked with
Magnificent Man. I ran a dozen yards
and fell into a shell-hole, then I got up
and ran some more yards, and then
dear reader, I did the only possible
tiling — L walked. You who cover
your five hundred yards at a run on
llampstead Heath have no idea what
you feel like starting off up-hill, on a
hot night, after five days' close con-
finement, equipped with everything
considered essential to destroying, sav-
ing, and supporting life for a period of
twenty-four hours. Fortunately a
similar feeling seemed to have got hold
of the men, and we went on looking
like a sample of how not to perform
extended order drill until we fell into a
transverse depression which we even-
tually decided to be a trench. I con-
ferred with myself for a moment, and
realized that it wasn't the line we
wanted, so we dashed on again relent-
lessly, at a pace that would have left a
hedgehog standing, to our goal, where
we remained, after necessary altera-
tions, until they sent some unsuspect-
ing regiment to relieve us next morning.
The first remark, as distinct from a
shout, that I heard after leaving our
parapet came from Private Henry, my
most notorious malefactor. As the
first attempt at a wire entanglement
in our new position went heavenward
ien seconds after its emplacement, and
i big tree just to our right collapsed
suddenly like a dying pig, he turned
•oiind with a grin, observing, " Well,
Sir, we do see a bit of life, if we don't
make money." I never saw a man all
la\ who hadn't a grin ready when you
>ass<-d, and a bit of a riposte if you
•d the time of day with him. And
JO \so went away at last with our tails
up, having done all things needful.
It was then that my troubles began.
Some evilly disposed person imagined
ic had seen a bullet come into me and
sneaked about it to the doctor, who
•ame to enquire after it. I argued that
even if it had come in it had gone
straight on practically without stop-
Navy Man (closing the debate). "If THE KAISER KNEW ABOCT YOC» FACT "E'D OIVE
YOU TWO-POCND-TEN A WEEK TO FRIGHTEN THE BRITISH ARTILLERY 'ORBM."
)ing and that I had no idea where it
was, and, anyhow, there must be plenty
without bothering about that one, if it
was munitions they wanted. I touched
ightly on our eight-mile march back,
,nd offered to illustrate a new one-step
' had thought out.
The fact was, I explained, it was
more what you 'd call a half-step.
ETere the doctor, who had been worry-
ng round, observed tersely — he makes
rather a strong line of observing tersely
— "a month, and then a fortnight's
loliday."
So here I am, doing the month, and
he only complaint I have to make
now I 'in really settled in here — they
laven't moved me for two days — is
,bout the fortnight's holiday.
The regiment says, " Of course you'll
;et sick leave ; " whereas the doctor
here is so optimistic as to suggest that
I '11 probably be able to get regimental
leave, but sick leave is outside his pro-
vince. There are therefore moments
when I have hopes of getting both ;
on the contrary, there are moments
After all, what does one want leave
for, anyhow ? What with " Sister
Susie " and " Our Miss Gibbs " straight
from England, and dear old English
ladies stopping you in the street to ask
after their sons, and no lights after
eight, what more could England offer ?
Another Impending Apology.
From a list of lecturers and their
subjects in The Princeton Seminary
Bulletin :—
" 1911—12, Sir Andrew Frascr. Minion* in
India. (Sir Andrew Frascr WM providentially
prevented from giving the lectures.)"
188
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [SEPTEMBER 1, 1915.
BLANCHE'S LETTERS.
STRENUOUS TIMES.
Hostel for Munition Workers
(Ci-devant Broadacres).
DEAREST DAPHNE, — You see from
above heading that we 'vo turned our
place in Kent to useful purposes. I 'vo
a houseful of people here, and we 're all
working at full pressure. We motor
over every morning, several carfuls of
us, to the big factory at — Hush ! —
and there we make — no, not even to
you, dearest ! — all day. We were shown
how to do it by an official person who 's
distinctly inclined to be a darling. He
specially overlooks our work, and the
other day when he came round he asked
me what it was I had made. " Why,
it 's so-and-so, of course," I said. Beryl
and Babs were looking on, and it was
quite a little triumph for me. He said
it was absolutely wonderful that I 'd
been able to make anything so different
from the pattern, and he took it away
(to test it, I believe) ; and, cntre nous,
clicrie, I fancy that by some lucky
unconscious stroke of genius I 've
made something particularly deadly
and fearful ; but not a word ! To-day
I 've been put on something different.
At our work we wear Olga's latest,
the very last word in Munition Pinnies,
a dream and a scream in one, pour qui
sait le porter. We come home in the
afternoon to a the 6conomique, milk
instead of cream, only one lump of
sugar in each cup, and horrid plain
biscuits and bread-and-butter. Still,
we feel it 's discipline and that we 're
obeying orders. Nobody dresses for
dinner, and it 's quite a plain meal,
badly served (we 've not found a decent
cook since Gaston left us to join his
own army), but we don't care. I feel
it 's not right to eat anything but pink
mutton, burnt beef, tough poultry and
odious puddings, in the present state of
things. We 've only maidservants, with
the exception of an old butler of nearly
seventy, and what with drilling and
route-marching all day with the Village
Veterans he's so tired by dinner-time
that he regularly falls asleep as he
serves the barley-water. The other
night, while he was standing behind
Josiah's chair, he went off as usual and
dreamed, as he told us afterwards, that
the Village Veterans were at the Front
and that he was just taking a certain
German Prince prisoner. Under the
influence of the dream he fell upon
Josiah and seized him round the throat,
and there was quite a horrid scene
before we could wake him.
You see from this that Josiah 's back
from his enormous wanderings and
adventures. When he first got home
he was immensely sunburned and had
quite an expression, and on my re-
marking upon it he said, " 1 should
jhink I have an expression ! It's enough
io give anyone an expression to be
shipwrecked and cast away among
those old cannibals, the Boldereens,
and for months together not to know
each morning whether you '11 bo their
king or their dinner before night !" His
expression 's wearing off now, I 'm
glad to see. As I said to him, that
sort of thing isn't good form ; in civi-
lised life it 's correct to have very little
ixpressioii in one's face. Since he came
back he 's enrolled himself as quite a
lot of things that I can't remember
just now.
You 'd hardly recognise this place of
ours. My own, own flower-garden is
all cabbages and potatoes ; the tennis
courts and croquet lawns are given up
to turnips and carrots ; Ladye Betty's
Walk is sown with onions ; the park is
being ploughed up for corn or wheat or
whatever it is people eat most of ; our
own dear little golf-links are full of
creatures grazing ; the little wilderness
you were so fond of is crowded with
pigs ; there 's poultry pretty well every-
where; and the big conservatory is
used for bread-fruit, of which Josiah
brought back heaps of roots — isn't that
a lovely idea for war-time, dearest ? — for
the bread-fruit, when grown and ripe,
I suppose, is just a nice sort of loaf
that only wants cutting into slices !
Altogether we may claim to be ready
for anything. - If everyone would do as
much as we 're doing, England would
be entirely self-supporting and we
shouldn't have to import any food-
stuffs— forgive the technical term,
dearest ; I 'm afraid I am getting tech-
nical, and sometimes, Daphne, I 'm
almost frightened at the organising
talents I 'm developing.
Juno ffarrington, the Southlands'
girl, commandeered all their motor cars
and offered them and herself (she 's an
expert driver) for transport service
abroad, was accepted, and went off at
once, leaving a brief note for her par-
ents : " Sorry, dears, but our country
needs the cars, and you '11 both be the
better for more walking." The duchess
came round to me (it was before we
left town) in floods of tears, lamenting
the dangers and hardships her " Only
One " was gone to face, and exclaiming
between her weeps, at frequent inter-
vals, " What would her grandmamma
have said!" I tried to console her
said how proud she ought to be o:
Juno, and that one couldn't expect a
high-spirited girl, especially in war-
time, to trouble much about what her
grandmamma would have said ; but il
was no use. The fact is the little
duchess is a muslin woman, and hei
laughter's a cloth woman, and to the
end of time you '11 never get a muslin
woman and a cloth woman to see
;hings from the same point of view.
I 'd a letter from Juno yesterday, in
which she says, "Doing fine and mak-
ing myself very useful. I 've both my
motor-cycles here, and I won't rest till
the powers that be make me a despatch-
rider. Think, Blanche, how glorious if
I were laid low by shrapnel just as I
was tearing along with despatches !
Why, the boy I ought to have been
couldn't do much better than that 1
Comfort the dear little mother, there 's
a good fellow, and do, do try to persuade
her not to send me a sob by every post."
Beryl and Babs and I were discuss-
ing the famine in coloured materials
one day lately, and the prospect of
having to array ourselves in the dis-
mallest and dreariest of neutral tints,
and we jointly committed these little
verses : —
The pinks and the greens and the mauves are
gone,
And the light-hearted crowd that wore thriii ;
And dull-gowned women are " carrying-on "
With a resolute gaze before them.
Dingy and dowdy ? Well, who 's afraid ?
Shall we weakly bewail (no, never !)
The bright-tinted frocks we once displayed
In times that seem gone for ever?
No hues will be left us but drab and grey,
And, sisters, we want no others ;
The only colours we think of to-day
March with our gallant brothers.
Anything you like in it is mine, and
if there are any mistakes in metre or
composition please set them down to
Beryl and Babs.
Ever thine, BLANCHE.
OTJB LITEEAEY TAPLEYS.
["A wet day, if it is wet enough, thoroughly
and unmistakably wet, is a pleasant and
desirable thing."
Caiion HAXXAY in " The Daily News."]
" WHEN days are rainy, don't go term-
ing 'ern
A beastly bore," says GEORGE A. BIR-
MINGHAM ;
" You 'd find it awkward, I 've no doubt,
To rear young ducks in time of drought."
" The War is not," says ARNOLD BEN-
NETT,
" A wholly unmixed evil when it
Can keep, by way of prose or rhyme,
Our greatest scribes on overtime."
" Should my dramatic schemes mis-
carry,"
Wisely remarks Sir J. M. BARBIE,
" I dance for joy and shout, ' Hooray !
So much less supertax to pay ! '
" Though quite forgotten just at pre-
sent,"
Says G. B. S., " I find it pleasant ;
Neglect is just the circumstance
To give one 's modesty a chance."
MILITARY COMPLIMENTS.
IK Mrinfoii was not a good soldier i
,<:iireely for \v:inl of frying. Bu
;iiv ! IntiLjs in " I nfiiiif ry Training
not dreamed of in a shipping clerk'
jiliilosojiliy. And after a heated pi
in i \vo with the Company Sergeant
Miijor (in \vliicli, as I'.riiiton explaine.
afterwards, (lie, victorj was really his
use, while ili.' S.-M. was merel
making an exhibition of himself hetor
iht! company, Brinton was hrin
brilliant and scathing within his owi
heart to an intelligent audience of one)
he deeidi d to leave bis general ni ili tar
development to the processes of time
and to specialise. Wherefore he pur
d a neat volume on "Ceremonial,'
and stuck to it.
Hero and (here a soul finds its seculai
bible in strange places, and Brintot
found ii. in the BOOK on Ceremonial. 1
w;is meat and drink to him. It fillet
his whole existence. And the part o
it he loved the best of all was the parl
where they tell you How and When to
Salute. In a fortnight Brinton hac
saluted (ho Colonel in fifteen different
situations, each of them requiring
correctitude of movement combined
with that initiative on which is founded
the superiority of the British army.
On the last five of these the Adjutant
present. He had heard of Brinton,
and canio to scoff, but remained to
admire.
After a time Brinton became known
in the battalion. Young subalterns,
still nervous in their new dignity, were
apt to invite his salute whenever they
felt the responsibilities of their position
weighing too heavily upon them. It
would have given confidence to the
veriest wash-out. It was not so much
Hit! respect and deference it conveyed
as the assurance that the Army had
laid its I rust most tenderly in the
temporary Second Lieutenant. It said :
" We know all about you. We have
seen you take the Company. We have
heard your lectures on Flies and March
jiliiif. But wo will follow you
none the less — or at least we will take
you with us."
Once or twice a daring spirit would
get about in the officers' mess. They
would give Brinton parcels to fetch
from the poste-restante and wait for
him in the High Street, extended to
time paces. But Brinton was never
m. His hands might be full, but
lus "eyes right" was impeccable.
There was more professional pride in it
than in the evolutions of a dozen right
hands sweeping to a dozen forelocks.
They say Brinton was beaten in the
en'l- I have heard the tale of how
Captain Briggs brought him to alleged
'BUSINESS" AS USUAL.
American Duettisls (concluding their •' lletined Act").
"ALTHOUGH WE MAY BE NOOTBAL
WE HOPE YOU 'LI. WIN TIIK KIHHT,
So TELL YOl'lt FRIENDS, AND COME AGAIN
To-MOB-BEK NIfiHT."
onfusion. But to my mind the victory
n that occasion was Brinton's yet
gain, though all the devices .of mis-
laced ingenuity were employed against
im. Time, place, and circumstances
vere all chosen carefully with a view to
is confounding. The same Sergeant-
lajor who had earlier crossed his path i
as given the job on a rainy summer
Qorning of sending him back from break- 1
ast parade to fetch Captain Briggs'sj
icycle from his billet to the officers'
ness tent. The approach to that high
lace is steep and rocky, along a wooded
efile, and Captain Briggs stepped out;
E the ambush where he had been lying i
with three other conspirators who
ought to have known better, and was
upon Brinton seconds In-fore the
famous " eyes right " could get into
motion.
It is true, I daresay, tha' the intrepid
Private gave a start of surprise, the
very faintest shadow of a start. Cap-
tain Briggs smiled sardonically and
waited. Behind the bracken three
pairs of eyes bulged expectantly from
their sockets.
* Brinton stopped. He met the Cap-
tain's tremendous gaze with a look
in which surprise, resentment, pity
and devotion to discipline were about
190
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[SEPTEMBER 1, 1915.
VOX POPULI.
Mistress. " WHAT DO YOU SAT, MARTHA? CONSCRIPTION NEXT WEEK? NONSENSE! WHERE DID yon HEAR THAT?"
Martha. "WELL, MA'AM, MY FRIEND, HE'S A WAITER AT A CLUB, HE SAYS IT COME STRAIGHT THROUGH FROM THE WAR OFFICE
LAST NIGHT ON THE EEC TAPE."
equally blended. Then he spoke the
simple but noteworthy words, " Good
morning to you, Sir."
They may not be in the Drill Book
of Salutes. But in the tone of them
and their spirit I know, although I was
not there to see, that Private Brinton
was vindicated against those who sought
to compass his undoing.
"Sherlock Holmes" Not Wanted.
"During the past few days three bicycles
have been stolen from Exeter streets. The
police consider that a bicycle thief is at work."
Western Morning News.
Floreat Eatanswill.
"As the editor of the Wapella Post has
dropped the mask which hid the abysmal
brute, we know now just what he is, and The
World-Spectator will take no further part in
any controversy with him. One does not
argue with an imbecile or a lunatic."
The World- Spectator (Saskatchewan).
"A young married woman was fined 10s.
at Westminster yesterday for giving intoxi-
cating liquor (stout) to a baby under one year
of age. When called to account by a police-
constable, the woman said she did not know
she was doing wrong." — Morning Paper.
She will now perhaps make herself
acquainted with the new regulations
against " treating."
TWITTING THE TURK.
THE Turk, he is an honest man
And fights us fair and true,
But we annoy him all we can
As we are paid to do ;
It 's very hard to keep him riled ;
We find him strangely reconciled
And things that once just made him wild
He takes a liking to.
The bully tin no more insults,
The Libby gives no grief,
That used to soar from catapults
And biff the shocked Eedif ;
At first it gave him quite a turn,
The flight of that innocuous urn,
And then he spoiled the whole concern
By gobbling up the beef.
Yet when the cruder kind of wheeze
No longer irritates,
There 's one that never fails to tease
His friends across the Straits,
Where many a Moslem scans our slopes
(With now and then some cramp, one
hopes,
From looking long through telescopes)
And simply hates and hates.
We go and bathe, in shameless scores,
Beneath his baleful een,
Disrobe, unscathed, on sacred shores
And wallow in between ;
Nor does a soldier there assume
His university costume,
And though it makes the Faithful fume
It makes the Faithless clean.
Ay, all our arts have some reward,
But this I think 's the peach,
For man can bear the invaders' horda
That riots in his reach,
That raids his roost in armed swarms
Or swamps his citadels with storms,
But not their nude insulting forms
A-bathing off his beach.
MR. PUNCH'S ROLL OF HONOUR.
Sub-Lt. ALAN P. HEEBEKT, E.N.V.E.,
Hawke Battalion, wounded at the Dar-
danelles, is now in hospital at home.
We are delighted to conclude that he
is well on the road to recovery, since
he has contributed from his bed some
more of those excellent verses which
have often adorned these pages.
"Sir John Howett, G.C.S.I., late Lieut.-
Governor of the United Provinces of Agra
and Oudh, has joined together during the
daytime." — North China Herald.
We had not previously heard of his
partition, but are glad that he has fol-
lowed the example of his late Provinces.
PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— 8EPTKMi.ru 1.
THE PRESIDENT
is STIU
THINKING.
LE GRAND PENSEUR.
Mi-.KU 1, I'.M.V
PUNCH,
A COLOURABLE INCIDENT.
(lli'/ii'i it at ml // of the mrthoih of a rtiiin
agencies of publication.)
I. THE NAKED Turin.
Lieut. .lolm Smith, a Territorial officer,
when crossing tlio Strand at about
!) r.M., was knocked down hy a taxicab,
lull fortunately escaped injury.
II. How IT is CLOTHED.
(,i) 'Hy The Daily Mail.
\\ 'c offer no excuse or apology for
special attention to the very
disquieting incident reported on page 5.
As our readers are by this time aware,
the policy of The, Daily Mail (backed,
it is only fair to add, by the generous
support of The Times and The Evening
\V?r.s) has throughout been opposed
to the soothing-syrup methods of the
official censorship. From the fact that
the accident by which a gallant officer
very narrowly escaped destruction has
been allowed to be made public, it
would appear that at least in part the
TKITH, for which wo have so earnestly
pleaded, is at last to be told to the
people of this country. But it will be
noticed that we emphasise the words
".in part." We do this deliberately
and with a grave regard to our
enormous responsibility in this hour
of crisis. Here then is a direct
challenge. Let the War Office or the
Government publish at once a full list
of the numbers of officers and men in
His Majesty's service who have, since
July, 1914, been injured, or nearly in-
jured, in street accidents. We venture
to assert that the result would be such
an outcry from all classes for somebody
to do something that no obstructionist,
no matter how highly placed, could
stand against it.
(b) By The Westminster Gazette.
That section of the Conscriptionist
Press which remains still obstinately
blind to the magnificent results of the
Voluntary System will, we suppose,
prudently ignore the illuminating case
of Lieut. John Smith. There are, how-
ever, two aspects of it to which we feel
juslified in directing the notice of our
readers. First, the accident itself, with
what might easily have been the loss or
serious injury of a valuable officer, is
directly attributable to the absurd and
panicky over-darkening of our streets.
Again and again we have pointed out
that the Germans have no really
dangerous Zeppelins capable of inflict-
ing serious damage, and indeed that
so many more have already been des-
troyed than could ever have been built
that the number now available must
be represented by a substantial minus.
This consideration, however, does noth-
THE
Jones (practising "easy" descents).
AT THE TOP?"
ANTI-ZEPP" FIRE ESCAPE.
Oil, WHY DID I LEAVE THAT BOOK Or CIIIECTIOX*
ing to lessen the magnificent heroism
displayed by this voluntary officer in
braving the perils of a crowded and
crepuscular thoroughfare. Do our
noisy compulsionists imagine ....
(c) By " Dagonet," in The Referee. '
Who drives our taxicabs ?
* * * *
Do our cotton-gloved officials really
believe that the accident by which
Lieut. Smith (a name with a fine record
for Englishmen) so nearly escaped
annihilation was the genuine result of
carelessness? If so, there are one or
two questions that I should like to put
to them. First, what firm are the
registered owners of the cab in ques-
tion ? Two, What proportion of the
directors of the firm are of German
origin ? I can assure Kefereaders that
there are still one or two mysterious
doings in this old city of ours that
might startle an investigator.
**.***
(d) By the War Teleyramt on promi-
nent Club notice-board.
B.F. 63, A. 47. Reported Lieutenant
Smith terrific officer when crossing
Strand sunk casualties unknown Mr.
Balfour continuing for terrific read
territorial Allies prospects brighter
taxicab undamaged showery.
" All the food is divided into rations and
delivered by women, fresh and good, in
London, the" suburbs and the outlying country
districts."— Scotch Paper.
Clearly these ladies, as the poet (very
nearly) said, are not creatures far too |
fresh and good for human nature's j
daily food.
PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [SBPTEMHEH 1, 1915.
THE AMATEUR SHEPHERD.
IT is a long climb from Dawlish to
Haldon. I appreciated this on two
separate occasions, once horse-driven
and again with the aid of petrol. In
both instances I was pointedly assured
by my family that it would bo far better
for my health and figure if I walked
the distance. As far as I remember,
I made no audible answer, but I may
have lifted my chin to stretch the skin
under it and sub-consciously squared
my shoulders.
However, the day came when, desti-
tute of other ideas, I whimsically
resolved to try the ancient pastime of
pedestrianism, and a certain tightening
of the waistcoat in the first few strides
had the effect of turning
my steps in the direction
of the Dawlish-Haldon
slope.
Things went splendidly
for fully twenty minutes.
There came that novel
and astounding satisfac-
tion which steeps the soul
when one realises that one
is actually propelling one-
self for no other purpose
than the mere pleasure
of propulsion. Vaguely
enough, it is true, I felt
athletic. I flipped away
the flies with my hand-
kerchief as if I 'd been
doing that sort of thing
all my life. Then I met
the shepherd.
He drove a score of red
sheep, and he had red eyes
behind black-rimmed spec-
tacles. He was young and
old and sprightly andlame.
He carried his coat over his left arm,
and when the sheep hopped up the
banks of the lane he swore fruitfully.
He looked at me as if he had a griev-
ance.
Was there a farm way back that I
had passed? I said "No." Then I
said " Perhaps yes." He looked at me
very oddly.
But was I to blame ? I am from the
city. How does one know a farm ?
Let the townsman reflect on this
matter carefully before blaming me. I
had passed houses, and lightly enough
I regarded them as mere dwelling
places. It is just possible, I reflected
after my first negative to the shepherd,
that some of those houses have in
hiding behind them that which would
entitle them to the appellation of farm.
I told all this to the shepherd.
He then said that he had to drive the
sheep to a farm whose owner's name
was Shaw, or so it sounded to my ears.
I said that I knew no Shaw as I Was
just up from London. I had once
known a Shaw but he was not a farmer.
He wasn't even an Englishman, thank
goodness.
Then the shepherd said that the man
Shaw's farm might be up a certain
slope, and he swept his hand over a
fence by the wayside. I nodded, and
he said, " Do ee mind sheep while us go
an' see." I said I 'd keep an eye on
them, and he was off in a twinkling for
all his lame leg.
I sat on a fence and watched the
sheep. It was a beautiful summer
afternoon. The flies were making the
best of the brief spell of fair weather.
The sheep browsed on the banks of the
lane, and I lit a cigar.
" 'E DIDN'T OUGHT TO BE 'LOWED TO SKETCH THE OLD
"WHY NOT? 'E AIN'T GOT IT NOTHIN' LIKE!"
Half an hour passed. The sheep
had straggled a bit, but I could see
them all. Of course I might lose one,
but then I could easily get another from
one of the fields round about. Devon-
shire is simply drenched in sheep.
Hence, thought I, the dearness of
mutton. So many sheep have to be
kept alive to keep Devonshire properly
smeared with them.
After three-quarters of an hour I
looked over my shoulder for the shep-
herd. He was not in sight, nor could
I see signs of any building. I began
to have the feeling that comes when
you wake up after a sleep in the train
and are uncertain as to which side of
your destination the train has reached.
The sheep were certainly very scattered.
Now came a motor car. The driver
was very skilful. He threaded his way
in and out of the sheep just as if he
were playing a game of — a game where
you have to thread in and out. Then
he saw me. At the moment I was
lighting a fresh cigar.
. He abused me. He called me every-
thing that I would have liked him to call
the real shepherd. And as a final blow
he said I ought to be in khaki. I felt
for him, hut it was so difficult to explain.
I even offered him a quotation from
" The Pickwick Papers " about shep-
herds. I said that I was " a wictim o'
gammon." He went away very scarlet,
and the flies simply surged after him.
By now I had had enough. Fifty
minutes was a fair afternoon's work
for one's first try at shepherding.
Another day, perhaps, a little longer.
I decided to go back home.
The sheep near me moved. They
moved on down the lane. I stopped
and scratched my head.
Then the sheep behind
me ran up and passed
me, so that I had all the
sheep now in front of
me.
I moved quietly on so
that they might not hear
my footsteps. Unfortun-
ately I trod on an acorn
which crackled, and the
sheep heard. So the sheep
still went on in front of
me.
I stopped, hoping they
wouldn't notice I was not
following. They went on,
and I thought I was free
till suddenly one old fool
at the head of the division
turned his head and de-
tected me. Then they all
stopped and looked back
at me, with faces much
more like sheep than any
sheep I 've ever seen.
I was helpless. I could not go the
other way as it was steep and precisely
the wrong direction. At last I thought
I would run past the flock.
I sauntered rather rapidly down on
them, and eventually got nearly along-
side. Then I took to my heels and
ran as I had never run before. The
sheep thundered along by my side. Do
all I could I never got ahead. The
stamina of the beasts was simply
appalling.
I must have run for quite three
minutes, which seemed like three hours,
before realising that I was beaten. I
was a shepherd. Fate had willed it.
A shepherd I must be and affect to be
contented with my lot.
On we went. I cooled down, and
the stroll became pleasant enough,
though passers-by regarded me sus-
piciously as if 1 were a sheep-stealer.
(Odd reflection ! There are such things
as sheep-stealers !)
1, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR TIIK l.o.NhoX CHARIVARI
;
' NOW, THEN, NONE OP YEB CINEMA ACTING 'EKE. AND THE KID '8 ONLY TOST FINISHED THB CASTLE TOO I '
At last we came, as I knew all along
we should, to a point where the road
forked. I didn't care which way the
sheep went. I would take the road
they left. Both routes would take me
borne.
The sheep bore to the left. I shoo-ed
them on. I got them well on the way.
In the distance before them I saw a
motor-car coming. I turned stealthily,
nipped round the corner on to the
other road, and ran like a hare (miildle-
kged).
\Yhon safely away I turned and
I back. At the end of the road
when) 1 had left my flock was a
stationary motor-car, with its occu-
pants staring after me. The car was
wheel-deep in sheep.
At dinner that night I asked for
boiled mutton — boiled mutton — mutton
— hung, drawn, quartered— and boiled !
The Odour of Sanctity.
" The ' New York World ' publishes a further
ui'iit i'f s.nvt, Herman correspondence
showing ' a decree of hypocrisy on the part of
the rniiss.ines from Berlin which smells of
heaven.' " - Provini ;•'/ l'n/>er.
Forgotten History.
From a Welsh examination paper: —
" While the \Var of American Independence
I-' Irish Volunteers demanded
Rule, which was wisely given them by
Lord Northclifie."
A CANADIAN TO HIS PARENTS.
MOTHER and Dad, I understand
At last why you 've for ever been
Telling me how that way-off land
Of yours was Home ; for since I 've
seen
The place that up to now was just a
name
I feel the same.
The college green, the village hall,
St. Paul's, The Abbey, how could I
Spell out your meaning, I whose all
Was peaks that pricked a sun-down
sky
And endless prairie lands that stretched
below
Their pathless snow ?
But now I 've trodden magic stairs
Age-rounded in a Norman fane,
Beat time to bells that trembled prayers
Down spangly banks of country lane,
Throbbed with the universal heart that
beats
In London streets.
I'd heard of world-old chains that
bind
So tight that she can scarcely stir,
Till tired Old England drops behind
Live nations more awake than her,
Like us out West. I thought it all
was true
Before I knew.
But England 's sure what she 'a about,
And moves along in work and rest
Too big and set for brag and shout,
And so I never might have guessed
All that she means unless I 'd watched
her ways
These battle-days.
And now I 've seen what makes me
proud
Our chaps have proved a sol'
right
To England ; glad that I 'm allowed
My bit with her in field and light ;
And since I 'm come to join them Over
There
I claim my share.
We take from a Sumatra piper a
list of some of the words which the
Germans, in their patriotic ardour,
propose to substitute for tho Knghsli
sporting terms formerly in use: —
U _= LGchuibulUpicl.
Cricket - DrcisUbeiigchlagorspiel.
Leg before = Beineuschwindel.
it - Xuchnichubgemacht.
Wicket - DreiitUbeneinrichtung.
Hu'.ftime = H»U»pielwBrtep«u«e.
Hands = Hiuidefehler.
Start = Abganifsntelle.
Starur = HaupUbg»ng«*te'.;«*uf*ichUTor-
Btcher."
We can now understand the position
of the German who says ha has no
time for sport.
196
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[SEPTEMBER 1, 1915.
AT THE PLAY.
" SHELL OUT."
IT was certainly amusing to find the
expansive Mr. DE COURVILLE cabin'd
on the exiguous stage of the Comedy,
with no gangways or exits through the
roof, no Gargantuan stairways to the
empyrean of the flies ! And his part-
ner, Mr. WAL PINK, doesn't sound
quite the kind of man to help him in
this little matter. So that all through
this new Eevue you could see the twain
submitting with an ill grace
to these deplorable limitations.
There was never quite room for
all the stars of higher magni-
tude in one row (and naturally
rigid stage-court etiquette pre-
vented their being presented in
two) ; while there were always
just about four too many girls
in all the choruses.
Which reminds me to say
right here that I don't ever re-
member to have seen a more
uniformly comely parade of
young ladies even in the much-
vaunted beauty choruses of the
many-acred modern Eevue pla-
teaus. I judge them from their
singing voices to be my country-
women, and take leave as an
Englishman to be more than a
little proud. Perhaps we have
suffered a little from over-syn-
copation, but we ought to ac-
knowledge a debt to rag-time
and this new race of producers j
(coupling the name of the I
Bussian Ballet) in that they |
have helped to extinguish that
simpering, inanimate and rather
over-plump double row, swaying
vaguely in a detached sort of
way in the background as a foil
to the principals.
COMELLI, whose work I can't
always admire, thinking him
just a little fussy and trivial (but
that, indeed, was at the Lane,
where he may feel himself able
to take greater liberties), did excellently
well with the dresses, and HERMANN
DAEEWSKI has made some very passable
melodies, of which " I Want Loving "
And the little theatre helped the effect ble that I feel inclined to protest against
of the faint prettiness of her voice, it in the interests of public safety and
Not very seriously a Lancashire Lass or morality ; or at least to insist that
an Eastern Beauty (as the case might Sir EDWARD HENEY sends all his in-
be supposed to be), but always quite spectors to see it.
recognisably UNITY MORE, which is The Modern Eevuo Drama was an
more than good enough for most of us. entirely original conception and so good
And then Mr. FRED EMNEY as man- as to be worth a little better finish in
ageress of the lingerie department of ' detail. Miss AMY AUGAHDE'S excellent
one of our larger stores, conducting the burlesque was not too well supported
annual great White Sale in a diverting
exhibition of fatuous badinage and sly
allusion ; or as an amiable old lady
either by the other principals or their
reflections, but I mustn't spoil sport
by giving away the. joke, which is a
"I AM SORRY, SUSAN. I'M AFRAID YOU CANNOT GO
OUT AGAIN TO-MORROW."
"1 WAS GOING TO TAKE TEA WITH ME AUNT, MUM."
Maud (in tlie secret of the maid's flirtations). "Do LET
HER GO, MAMMA.
SERGEANT."
HER AUNT HAS JUST BEEN MADE A
was an easy winner.
As to the Eevue
itself need I say
that all hypocritical pretence of co-
herence was frankly and wisely aban-
doned ? I confine myself therefore to
impressions and personalities.
To begin with, there was Miss UNITY
MORE dancing light as thistle-down
and as wayward, with a perfectly
delightful and apparently unmanu-
factured smile, as if this sort of thing
was just the very sort of thing
above all that she really liked doing.
doing nothing more definite than nego-
tiating a stile, but doing it in an in-
comparable manner and very much at
leisure ; or as the waiter a little too
much in the manner of ALFRED LESTER,
but less tedious ; or again in one of
those rather dubious alcoholic studies
of which he is the past-mistress, ex-
haling a humour perhaps a little more
candid than is usually permitted by the
West End Managers' Association.
Of the incidents I found the street
scene, in which a robbery was brought
off under the eyes of the police on an
unsuspecting countryman, with the aid
of a cinematograph and a ruffian dis-
guised as CHARLIE CHAPLIN, so plausi-
I good one.
Two clever little studies by
Miss LOUIE TINSLEY as a theatre
dresser who estimates the suc-
cess of a piece according to the
amount and quality of the liquid
refreshment she is called on to
furnish and share at a first
night, and as a friend of the
fatuous inebriate personated by
Mr. EMNEY, deserve mention.
I am fogey enough to disap-
prove of so fresh and charming
a little person as DESMOND (or
is it CEBALLOS?) submitting her-
self to such a graceless and con-
torted dance. Not that way,
DESMOND, believe me, lies the
true line of development for
your talent.
It was satisfactory to see that
the younger male members of
the cast were friendly neutrals
and that most of the rest of the
work was clone by actors well
over the military age.
Quite a good joke was pro-
vided by that usually dull dog,
the LORD CHAMBERLAIN, who
insisted on having a few turns
as a prelude to the Eevue, in
order that we might be allowed
the doubtful pleasure of smok-
ing, as if the whole thing were
not a barefaced series of turns
within turns. I say doubtful
because very much depends
upon your neighbour's particu-
lar brand of cigar. And I had
no luck in the matter. T.
the
The Threat.
[On receiving the news of the sinking of
e Arabic, President WILSON is said to havu
cancelled a golfing engagement.]
Defender of my country's right
I am, you know, too proud to fight ;
But if at my complaints you scoff
I may become too proud to golf.
Sister Susie's Latest.
" The ladies belonging to the Parochial
Working Party are at present busily engaged
in making sandbags for the wounded soldiers."
Local Paper.
SEPTKMBKH 1, 1915.] PUNCH, QR THE LONDON CHARIVAIM
Mnhd (who has been promised sixpence if she will extract a loose tooth). " HEBE 's THE TOOTH. GUA.NDFATHEB BUT tr too 'D HATUEB
NOT PAY TILL AFTER THE WAR YOU NEEDN'T."
FISHING IN FLANDEES.
ON our last spell from the trenches
we amused ourselves by fishing a stream
that ran close to our rest billets. The
doctor, whoso skill as a fisherman is
apparently a, widely known on the
Tweed as it is with us after dinner in
mess, did catch one stickleback. But
apart from this success neither the
glamour of the Entente Cordiale nor
! he hist word in trout rods and ilybooks
had any effect on those unsportsman-
like lish. Night after night we used to
watuh the village fathers returning in
triumph with their simple rods over
their shoulders, and many a fat half-
pounder stuck in their pockets winked
at us mockingly.
' ' Wait till Sergeant McCallum comes,"
said the Colonel, and in his advice we
f und consolation. Now Sergeant
McCallmn is a Scottish gillie in private
life and a holy terror to the Huns in
his present capacity. British to the
bone, lie views anything of foreign
nature with dour suspicion. It is
characteristic of him that to the "Bon
soir, M'sieur" of his hostess at bedtime
he invariably replies with a grave
"(luid nicht, M'am." But so far as
fishing went he was the regimental
hope, and soon after his arrival he was
the devoted recipient of at least ten
rods and as many varieties of fly. As
we walked down to the stream that
evening I impressed upon him the
necessity of establishing our reputation
in the eyes of the village.
" I doot ma hand wilna cast a fly sae
licht after twa weeks o' throwing hand-
grenades, Sir," he said, " and this wee
trickle isna the Tay," pointing to the
stream ; but he was soon whipping the
water in masterly fashion.
After two hours we went home with
despair in our hearts to eat fish that
had been caught by the schoolmaster's
boy. Sergeant McCallum had failed.
" It 's a meeserable war. The very
troot are skulkin' in dug-oots," was all
he said.
Next day we were having guests to
dinner, and the Colonel himself implored
the Sergeant to do his best. Off he
went again, but this time positively re-
fused to allow any of us to accompany
him. " Na, na, Sir, it 's publeecity that
inteemidates the wee fish," he said ;
and when later he returned with six
plump little trout we appreciated his
preference for solitude. Oh the delight
of being able to reply to our guests that
night, " Yes, our own catch. We get
quite good fun in the local stream. "
For the next three nights Sergeant
McCallum came back with a good
haul, while the rest of us neve
even a bite, with the exception of the
doctor, who caught another stickleback.
On the fourth evening I determined to
find out what was the secret of the
master-hand's success. After half-an-
bour's search up-stream I heard a sad
voice coming from the direction of a
bush : — " Ay, it 's a meeserable war,
and that 's ma last pin."
Cautiously I approached, and sud-
denly stopped dead. " Sergeant McCal-
lum," I gasped, "has it come to
this ? "
He started up with a guilty look. In
one hand he held a small pill evidently
made from the slab of ration cheese at
his side. In the other was a bent pin
tied to the end of a piece of string.
Extract from a paper-maker's letter : —
" Wo are asking Mr. — , Corrugated
Manager of Messrs. , to give you • call."
Just the man to furnish oue with a
wrinkle or two.
'• Tho French three per cent, bombs are at
Fr. 70." — Singapore free I'rea.
But they are still rising and are ex-
pected shortly to be in the neighbour-
hood of " Soixante-quinze."
198
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [SBPTHMBEB 1, 1915.
ELEVEN TO ONE.
IN this house there is only one bath.
There is a state of war in this house.
Between these two statements there does not, at first
sight, appear to he any close connection, but if you will
oblige me by reading on you will find that they are inti-
mately related to one another.
Let me explain. The house of which I speak is a seaside
lodging-house, an admirably comfortable one run by Mrs.
Eivers, the landlady, with the help of one servant. How it
is done I don't know (I suppose, by the way, there is a
concealed gnome somewhere who attends to the boots and
shoes, but I have never met him in the flesh) ; at any rate
the house is so run, and the whole place is kept as tidy as
a banker's office, and the meals are as punctual as the rates
and taxes and much more satisfying.
At present the house is filled to its utmost capacity by
two parties of lodgers — ourselves (the usual sort of party
composed of two parents and four children), and the other
party, who preceded us, composed of five grown-ups. That
makes eleven in all, and every man-Jack and woman-Jill of
them, down to the youngest child, is devoted to that noble
British institution, the morning bath. The fact that later
on we all bathe in the sea makes no difference. Sea-bathing
must not be looked upon as a substitute for anything.
Properly considered it is an addition to one's ordinary life.
Here, then, is the situation. Given eleven people, who
are all waked at 7.30 A.M., who all want to breakfast at 8.30,
and who all desire passionately to have a bath before break-
fast, how on earth are they to do it when, as I say, there is
only one bath in the house, and when I add that it is a
fixed bath in a bath-room and that its taps run with an
almost maddening slowness ? Now do you begin to under-
stand what 1 meant when I said that there is a state of
war in this house ? Of course you do.
The first morning saw us completely defeated. I must
own that we had paid no attention to the matter. We had
not realised the necessity for guile and stratagem. We just
rushed upon our fate blindly, and each of us in turn
recoiled from a locked door behind which water was
gurgling and someone, not ourselves, was abluting. On
that terrible morning only Muriel and Frederick of our
party got baths, and they were both twenty minutes late
for breakfast. The rest of us did what we could with our
basins and sponges in our various bedrooms. As an alter-
native to a full-length bath this basin-system cannot be
recommended. It combines every sort of inconvenience.
Paradoxically enough the water is always insufficient and
never fails to overflow on to the floor. Indeed it is a
hateful system.
On the second morning we planned things out with some
care. Alice was told off to be firmly established in the
bathroom at 7 o'clock, and thenceforward we had relays,
strung out along the passages. On that day we got in four
baths, but after that we were hopelessly beaten off by a
violent counter-attack of the enemy who had been awaiting
a favourable moment in dressing-gowns and slippers. Nina
and Frederick were foiled and all their pluck was un-
availing. Frederick, indeed, who is eight years old,
declared that these skirmishes added an unaccustomed zest
to washing. He showed great courage and swiftness in
the imminent deadly breach.
Since then we have had our good days, when we actually
got in five baths, and our bad days, when we were reduced
to two, but we have never for a moment abandoned the
fight. I myself have a special opponent who lives in the
bedroom next to mine. He is an extraordinarily quick
mover, but so, I flatter myself, am I. Several times, when
I thought I had him at my mercy, he has beaten me into
the bathroom^by the mere point of his chin. Later in the
day we all meet quite unconcernedly. We say to one
another, " What beautiful weather," or " The news seems
better this morning," and to all outward appearance we are
on perfectly good terms with one another ; but in truth
we are bitter and determined enemies. How can it be
otherwise when there are eleven people for only one bath ?
THE PASSING OF THE MOTHER-IN-LAW.
(An evening paper assures us that the mother-in-law joke is
most certainly dead.)
Is she to pass and wake no lamentation,
Dirgeless depart to where the old jokes go,
Unwept, unhonoured by an ingrate nation?
Nay, it shall not be so.
I, even I, will take the lyre and twang it,
Sounding a note suggestive of distress,
Twining the cypress round my forehead. Hang it !
A song-wright can't do less.
A time there was one sought in vain to dodge her ;
She was the red-nosed star's unfailing wheeze,
Better than jeux d' esprit about the lodger
Or tales of mobile cheese.
So now in every Empire should be sorrow,
The sobs of comics mourning for the best
Friend that they had, and musing on a morrow
Eeft of its cosmic jest.
Our bardlets too should mourn, bright wits who
hymned her,
Seeing the humour of their frequent strain
Dimmed as a street lamp, ay, and even dimmeder,
Clean cut off at the main.
Where shall they find her like ? What thing, what
person
Shall serve them as a universal draw,
A theme one needs but write a doggerel verse on
To gain the loud guffaw ?
Theirs is the deeper woe, for with her dying
It may be that a sterner age began,
When folk shall bid them — and it will be trying —
To make their verses scan.
PUNCH'S WAR CARTOONS.
A selection of the most notable of Punch's War-Cartoons
is being published by the Photochrom Co. in association
with the Proprietors of Punch. The first twelve of this
series have been already issued. They are reproduced from
the original plates on tinted Indian paper and mounted on
rough-edged white Whatman boards, witli the legends un<l
dates inscribed below. These prints, apart from the excel-
lence of their artistry, will form a unique historical
of the memorable features and episodes of the Great \\ ;ir.
They are published at 2s. 6(7. each and can be obtained at
any picture shop, or post-free in the United Kingdom from
the Publisher, Punch Offices, 10, Bouverie Street, E.G.
" Among the daft of the 4th Welsh Regiment, most of the Cardigan
Company are included." — Cardigan Advertiser.
The fact that these gallant Welshmen were "mad to f,r" '"
the Front " might, we think, have been more tactfully
indicated.
DianowUed Cavalryman (on way back from trendies, teeing Officer's tervant exercising a horse).
FEET IT'S SEEIN' AN 'IOHLANDER RIDIN' WHES I'VE DOT TO PAD THE "OOF."
' WELL, IF ASTTHIHO OIVM xc
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)
MK. GALSWORTHY'S The Freelands (HEINEMANN) is in the
iimniier, the best of the manner, of The Country Home,
The Island Pharisee, The Patricians. The Freelands were
of a solid persistent stock. Four brothers represent the
present generation : Felix, the writer, capable, under-
standing, critically detached, even a little Galsworthian,
with heart emphatically in the right place ; widower John,
something important, permanent and unimaginative in the
Home Office; Stanley, the plough-maker, husband of the
aspiring Clara with a coronet in her eye, and her week-end
parties of pretentious bigwigs, interested in a more or less
futile and insincere way in " the land " ; and that thorn in
all their essentially solid sides, Tod, the primitive, with his
thatched cottage honeysuckle-twined, his formidable wife
A/r.s7,r/; of the blue linen gown, the banded hair and the
vegetarian diet, and their wild offspring, Derek and Shrila,
iiand in glove with Labour and all that. A practised art
'presents " all these in a comedy (that droops to tragedy)
of indictment against some bad foibles of entrenched
property and tradition ; and in particular that plausibly
defensible attitude of those who so clearly know what is
ifood for their people that they don't hold their hand from
joercion of a very effective kind. The tragedy comes by
'hat desperately harassed labourer, Tryst, who fires Sir
ifi'iilil Military's ricks and finds a grim release, after three
months' waiting for assizes, from his inevitable sentence.
Here Mr. GALSWORTHY forces us to recognise his impassioned
sense of the bitterness of imprisonment and of the disabili-
ties of unvocal unimportant folk. Also that desperate hope-
lessness of his outlook which makes him turn his labourers
against their champions Derek and Sheila as against
hereditary enemies. Besides and above all this work of tin-
satirist and social pathologist, the artist GALSWORTHY has
made many admirable portraits ; in particular of Felix'*
entirely adorable daughter Xnirla and dear old Grand-
mamma Freeland, a beautiful study which even a regrettable
touch of caricature cannot spoil. Irony of the subtlest,
sensitive observation and a fine craft of construction and
development will captivate any reader who knows what '»
what.
The publisher's paragraph on the cover of Mr. PETT
RIDGE'S latest book, The Kmnrili/ People (Mmm-Ex), says
that it " opens with a wedding-day at Highbury New Park,
and finishes with a boat train at Waterloo Station."
Which indeed embodies the best description and criticism
of it that could be given. London scenes and types and
incidents, strung together by the history of three generations
of Kennedys, make up the total. Perhaps in the last phrase
I have without intention expressed a suspicion that did
occur to me, that the author has at times padded out the
volume with material that might have been meant for short
story use. But I do not suppose anyone will mind that
very much. The Kennedy history is what you might call a
circular one; old Mr. K. having built up a prosperous
fortune, which Robert, his son, sent to ruin, while in the end
George, the grandson, is shown in a fair way to restore the
family position. In short, a reverse of the old adage,
"Clogs to clogs in three generations;" naturally also an
aspect of the case decidedly more cheerful to read about.
I fancy however that it would be spendthrift Robert whom
Mr. PETT RIDGE himself most enjoyed. There are incidents
200
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[SEPTEMBER 1, 1915.
in Robert's career (the fraudulent deputation, for example, i sensational novels I had read for a very long time. But
which resulted in a subsequent and genuine one being when I tackled the second half I saw what MILLS meant,
expelled with ignominy) that I could feel sure have been i Thirty thousand words is a conservative estimate of what
in the author's note-book awaiting exposure for a con- could be deleted to the great benefit of the story. While
siderable time. And the history of his adventures as a i Mr. BHIEGES is getting his Lyndon out of Princetown
dramatist was obviously as great a pleasure to write as to j Prison and disguising him and taking him to London he
read. And there, with the exception of a little mystery, i whizzes along at a magnificent speed. But when Lyndon
no very baffling matter, you have the whole. What it lacks meets his old friends he displays a natural but — for the
in continuity of interest it makes up in detail ; those little reader — exasperating disposition to put his feet up on
touches of character and talk in which the author stands the mantelpiece and talk about old times, and things
alone. What, I wonder, would Mr. PETT RIDCIE do in a i become temporarily slow. They speed up again later, hut
world where there were no commencing domestics? never with quite the same careless rapture as in the very
Mrs. ARNOLD has chosen for her latest book, The En-
chanting Distance (LONG), a title so pleasant that one can
early chapters ; and the last thirty pages of the story are
'•:
almost dull. But in the main BOON was perfectly right ;
and there is no reason why Mr. BRIDGES, if he watches
only wonder why it should not have been appropriated himself carefully and purges his work of unnecessary talk,
before. And the book itself is thoroughly pleasant too, should not take a place high up in the front rank of
though rather formless and
overcrowded; both of which
defects however could be
excused on the ground of
likeness to life. You never
saw a novel with so many
heroes. There was first of
all the Colonial Bishop,
with whom Patricia (the
heroine) wanted to go away
and reform cannibals. Then
there was John Raggett,
the Bishop's strong and
silent brother, who sent
Patricia home, and inci.
dentally boxed her deserving
ears. After that there was
Adrian Dadge, an Amateur's
Help, who was introduced
to Patricia at a theatrical
house-party, and promptly
eloped with her. When
John turned up in time to
frustrate this I began to
know where my money
would be safest. But I am
bound to say that up to
the last chapter Patricia's
fourth suitor, Lawrence
Blagrove, gave me a lot of
uncertainty. Blagrove was
THE EGOIST.
Anxious Wife. " OH, HENHY, I THINK I SEE A GEBMAN SUBMARINE
COMING ! "
Sleepy Husband. " NONSENSE ! "
Anxious Wife. " OH, BUT I 'M SUBE IT is ! "
Sleepy Husband. " ALL BIGHT, THEN. You AND TOMMY JUST COVEB
ME UP WITH SAND."
a dramatist who wanted
Patricia to create the chief part in a play that he proposed
to write. So, as he had no money and Patricia loved
him, John came along once more and very sportingly
volunteered to put up the needful for a West End produc-
tion. As what follows upon this is not only the bast part
of the tale, but a quite unconventional and unexpected
piece of probability, I will leave you to enjoy it at first
hand. It ends a story that is throughout brightly written
and makes excellent entertainment.
This is what I imagine happened. Mr. MILLS looked at
Mr. BOON. They had just finished reading the manuscript
of Mr. VICTOR BRIDGES' novel, Mr. Lyndon at Liberty.
" What do you think of it ? " said MILLS. " It 's jolly
good," said BOON. " But too long," said MILLS. " I could
cut thirty thousand words out of it and it would be an
improvement." But they decided to publish it as it stood,
because they remembered that the public likes its novels
long. I find myself in agreement with both gentlemen.
sensational novelists. He
has a great sense of move-
ment, and his originality
may be gauged by the fact
that he has named the vil-
lain of his present story
George, thereby Hying in
the face of one of the most
rigid rules of modern fiction
which enacts that a George
can do no wrong, and that
his metier in fiction is to
be mildly comic. If Mr.
BRIDGES goes on in this
radical way we shall find
him before long having his
murders done by Freddies
and his acts of noble self-
sacrifice performed by Jas-
pers.
I suppose Miss F. E.
MILLS YOUNG means her
title, The Great Unr^t
(LANE), to cover both the
labour troubles in the South
Africa she knows so well
and the wayward passions
of her hero. I think, on
the whole, I prefer the
young Dam (whose father had perversely christened him
Draycott Arthur Manners, foreseeing the nickname that
would result) splashing in his bath and making discoveries,
and the stout youngster taking his licking? from his nice
obstinate father, Sir Arthur — I prefer thase pictures to
those of the adolescent Dam flirting with fishergirls, and
the grown-up Socialist journalist in the toils of a shallow
fair in queer Johannesburg. But Patricia was a dear all
through, from a bad start of snail-killing for pleasure (soon
corrected) to a brief union with her boy and an early widow-
hood. For there was nothing the matter with the real
Dam, who chose to give all that he had, including Patricia,
in the great cause. God rest such souls and comf .irt their
Patricias !
P. and O.
From a column headed " Pertinent and Otherwise " : —
"A contemporary heads a paragraph : — ' The Crown Prince's Blows.
A Message to His Troops. Delete the possessive 's ' and you get nearer
the truth. P. and 0. Pars." — Glasgow Bulletin.
Mr. Lyndon at Liberty is good — in fact, up to half-way We fail to find in this jeu d'esprit anything either Penin-
I was under the impression that it was one of the best \ sular or Oriental. The CROWN PRINCE is not in Gallipoli.
SKI-M-:MHKU 8, 1915.] ITNCII, ())• TIIK LONDON CHARIVARI.
- .
maintained a firm stand on the Bug
until all danger in that direction
v. I .
CHARIVARIA.
Ts& Hamburger Nachrichtenianot at over."
I all pleased with the decision to modify '*'
••blockade," and declares that the Mr. ASQUITR has lately been away
(ii-rmaii suhmarines are "so weighty for a brief holiday. Nevertheless it is
a factor that wo must give them un-
:c-tcd freedom of action." Some of
| them are so weighty, in fact, that they
are now permanently submarine.
hardly fair for a daily paper to announce
on its posters : —
" KNGLAKD'S PKF.MIKH SPOBTIMO DAILY."
« *
The MUNITIONS UNDEB-SECBETABY is
Owing to its heavy losses among acquiring a reputation as a humourist.
young men, a movement is afoot to | His best joke up to the present is the
me (in many "The
(1 rand-Father Land."
# *
\\V have to apologise
for any suggestion that
may have appeared in
previous issues to the
Keel that the Huns are
devoid of humour. The
(ierman Society for the
Protection and Preserva-
I tion of Monuments has
held a meeting in Brussels
i and expressed its thanks
to the (Ierman Military
Authorities for the care
they had taken of the
Monuments in Belgium.
The function ended, we
; are told, with an excursion
to Louvain, where the
ites, no doubt, en-
joyed a happy hour in
the Library.
* *
"
Berlin is endeavouring
to discount the Belgian
'tions of German
chicanery before the War
by declaring that they
have an obviously tainted
origin: they were pub-
lished in a Grey Book.
The General command-
ing the Dresden military
area has forbidden an ex-
hihition of ladies' dresses,
IK 'cause the costumiers were unable
to prove that their models had origin-
11 Germany or Austro-Hungary.
" 1'Yightfulness" must be maintained.
* *
German fashion experts are being
urged to revert to narrow skirts, on the*
ground that their manufacture requires
little material and is more consistent
with the present position of the Father-
land. \Ye note with satisfaction this
admission that Germania is already in
a " hobble." * #
Our Eastern Allies have evidently
been studying with advantage Dr.
SHIPLEY'S book on The Minor Horrors
of H'ar, for we read that " the Russians
system of father* volun-
teer Mid allowing the bachelor* to stop
at home.
* *
*
A VOLUNTEER RESERVE FAMILY PUTTING
ON PUTTEES.
SUGGESTED GROUP IN COMMEMORATION OF THE GREAT SACRIFICES MADE
BY OUR OVER-AGE CITIZENS.
THE SCULPTOR MIGHT PERMIT HIMSELF TO BE INSPIRED BY THE
FAMOUS LAOCOON IN THE VATICAN OAI.LEHY.
"I- 1-lilTn is travelling and
will Ix-lx'vond n-iwli of correapondeooe
utitil the end of next week." Even be
must have an occasional rest from hi*
daily mail. « *
There is no truth in the statement
that the only letters permitted to reach
his Lordship will be from Lord 1 i
CECIL.
•
" Yarns for Soldier*'
and Sailors' Comforts are
now greatly needed," Bays
an advertisement
congratulate The Time*
on its prompt response
to this appeal. Its Broad-
sheets for the Trenches
will be just the thing.
* *
A voluntary monitions-
worker writes to say that
the enervating effect of
the factories has been
much exaggerated, and
that "to one accustomed
to the atmosphere of the
Law Courts, a Sunday at
this arsenal is like a day
in the country." Rather,
perhaps, a day at the
side — picking up shells.
* «
A member of the Library
Association complains
that inferior paper is now
being used for books, so
that they only last a
sixth of the time they did
thirty years ago, and
urges the fixing of
declaration that the most important
requirement of the time is " the suitable
dilution of skilled labour." This has
been very well received in the public-
houses of Glasgow.
standard quality. But
why worry ?
" SALE— HaH Price* (or 15
da) ». — Lioni, Tiger*, Pan-
thers, Wild CaU, JackaU, Foxes, Wolve*
nii-fly trained big Tutkers, Lynx
Hoiindu, SpanieU, T«rrieni, Hor*e§
* #
" Dr. Addison on the Need of Night
Shifts," runs a headline. But it must
not be inferred that the Munitions
Department is asleep.
# *
The Evening News informs us that
• all unmarried Belgians up to the age
African Monkeys, well talking Singing Birds
KiiKlish Pigoons, Fowls, Turkeys, Ducks.—
MANAGER. AXIXALS 4 SERVANT* SCPPLYINO
COMPANY, Agra."— Pimter.
What a chance for bargains, from
tiger to a henl
Such an opportunity may not occur
again.
"Dr. E. Poaclwll, Medical Officer to the
Metal Deficiency Committee (or the County
id he had examined the prisoner and ha<
of twenty-five have been called up, and C0me to the conclusion that
it is proposed to summon to the colours
at a pater period men up to the age of
thirty or possibly thirty-five." This is
a great improvement on the British OF MUNITIONS.
imbecile within the meaning o( the Metal
Deficiency Act."— Provincial Paper.
It almost seems a case for the MINISTER
VOL. CXLIX.
202
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[SEPTEMBER 8, 1915.
IN THE SUNDAY MANNER.
UP TO US.
BY MR. AUSTINSON BELLOWMEY.
Mr. Bellowmey is facile princeps
among our more cultured and clarion-
voiced publicists. Having taken all
foreknowledge for his province, he
ranges like a young bull to the elec-
trification of England. In him litera-
ture and acuteness are reconciled.
Rarely have such trumpet-calls blared
forth as since Mr. Bellowmey sensed
profit in strepitation. In particular
is he wise upon women and strategy.
The War has produced no such
miracle as his rise to authority. Next
week we shall publish another terrific
lay-sermon from his banjo, and, in
fact, every Sunday until we think he
is played out.
Now then, Mr. KAISER, cast your
lamps over this.
When I say "up to us" what do I
mean ? I mean that it is for God's own
country, Great Britain, bless its heart!
— England the fair and free, bonnie
Scotland, Erin brave and impulsive,
gallant little "Wales and the noble
Colonies — to carry this thing through.
EVERY MAN OF BRITISH HERITAGE
HAS THE BUBDEN OF DEFEATING THE
HUNS CAST UPON HIM ; and when I say
the Huns I mean equally the 'uns, for
who is so base and petty to-day as to
trouble about the aspirate ? To-day we
are all brothers, whether we drop our
h's or pronounce them, and all bound
together in a sacred compact to rid the
world of the tyrant. It is up to us to
do it.
Woman's Part.
And when I say us I mean not only
men but women. What should we do
without women? HAVE YOU EVER
THOUGHT WHAT WOMEN MEAN ? Only
yesterday one of the most brilliant of
living women said to me, " The women
are in trousers to-day ; the men are
candidates for petticoats." How pro-
found, how witty ! When we have sent
millions of men to the War and many
are dead, how clever that was ! Bub
women must be taken seriously. With-
out women there can be no soldiers, for
every soldier (amazing thought /) has to
have a mother. Let us then be kind to
women, for women are the mothers
of our brave boys in khaki.
The Fourth Estate.
As for our Press, what is one to say?
Oh, my brethren, do not be misled by
our Press. Half of it is right and half
wrong, and I implore you to cleave to
the right half. Here, in this Sunday
paper, I can but sketch my real pro-
gramme as a social saviour and the
rejuvenator and renovator of England ;
but in my own organ I go farther and
indulge in gi'eater detail. On the
burning question, for example, of com-
pulsory smoking for men I say nothing
here.
Why I am silent.
I would not hamper the Government.
I. have not always shown that reluc-
tance, but just now — and here — it is ex-
pedient. Moreover, I am not, any more
than any other of my fellow-citizens,
seized of the facts. Hence my some-
what quaint silence. Those who say it
is a tobacco war have some justification ;
those who say that the KAISER will,
before he has done, see two weeds glow
where only one glowed before, have
reason on their side ; but none the less
I hold my peace. And every man I
beseech to do likewise. WE MUST NOT
EMBAKEASS THE GOVERNMENT.
The Future.
As to when the War will be over, I
prefer to say nothing. I may know
and I may not. But take it from me
that no good is to be gained by letting
out the secret yet. IT is UP TO us TO
ACT, NOT TO CONSULT SOOTHSAYERS.
A MAGNIFICENT MENIAL.
THANKS to the courtesy of the pub-
lishers, Messrs. Pryor and Pepys, we
have been favoured with an early copy
of the remarkable Reminiscences of an
Imperial Footman, briefly alluded to in
our last issue. Though the book hardly
fulfils our most sanguinary expectations,
it is full of intimate touches and is
written throughout with the sobriety
and modesty that one might expect of
a highly trained and discreet domestic.
Moreover, many notables, royal, famous
and notorious, pass through its pages,
for our footman saw the very highest
in Germany, Austria, and Italy. The
style, too, is remarkably distinguished.
In fact, the author might not be un-
fairly described as a Servants' Hall
Caine.
A flood of light is thrown on the
origin of the KAISER'S implacable
hostility towards England by the fol-
lowing thrilling anecdote. It appears
that when the KAISER was staying at
Sandringham the " Song to Aegir,"
which he composed, was performed
by the KING'S band in honour of the
Imperial guest. At its conclusion
the KAISER asked his uncle what he
thought of it, and KING EDWARD
genially replied " Well, it may be a
very fine piece of music, but personally
I prefer EDWARD ELGAR'S " Land of
Hope and Glory." The KAISER turned
pale with indignation, and from that
hour he resolved to bring about the
doom of England.
We learn also that the KAISER, at one
time thinking of marrying his only
daughter, now the Duchess of BRUNS-
WICK, to the EMPEROR MENELIK, with a
view to consolidating his interests in
Central Africa, dispatched his brother
PRINCE HENRY to conduct the ne-
cessary matrimonial negotiations. The
KAISER, it appears, had assumed that
the EMPEROR MENELIK, who was
already married, would divorce his wife
in view of the enhanced prestige to he
gained from an alliance with the House
of Hoherizollern. In this however ho
was rudely disappointed, for as soon as
the EMPEROR MENELIK realised what
was expected of him he broke out into a
torrent of Abyssinian invective lasting
several hours, and then took to his bed,
remaining there until the discomfited
emissary had left his dominions.
We have heard much since the War
began of Warsaw, and this fact lends
poignant interest to a vivid little
vignette of the colour of the landscape
in Poland : —
" Where not touched with the glorious
tinting of Autumn or wilting 'neath
the blaze of the Summer sun, the
vegetation is green, though not per-
haps so verdant as that of the Emerald
Isle."
Perhaps one of the best stories in
lighter vein is the following diverting
anecdote of a Bavarian Count who
came to Potsdam on a secret mission : —
" The Count, who was a homely
person, was invited to dine witli the
EMPEROR, and during the course of the
banquet managed to upset a golden
salt-cellar. With the utmost prompti-
tude he seized a decanter of claret and
emptied it over the spilt condiment.
I have never seen the KAISER laugh so
heartily as he did at this incident."
Quite an enthralling book, it may be
readily understood, are these Reminis-
cences of an Imperial Footman, and it
is impossible to doubt their veracity.
Extracted from a soldier's letter,
written from " Somewhere in France":—
"The Germans have got a bit of brag on
here. The lines are 600 yds. apart, and right
in the 'no man's land' they have planted a
German Merchant Service Flag, to flaunt in
our faces ; and everybody naturally wants to
go out to get it."
Naturally, indeed ; for the flag in
question is a rara avis in terris, and
quite extinct in maribus.
"Mr. Gerard received an invitation to call
on Herr von Jagow, and left his luncheon to
respond. They conferred for half an lumr lint
had nothing to say." — German Wireless.
But as they were talking Arabic the
reporter may not have understood.
THE LONDON CHABIVAlil BWMMBE,, K,
HAIL, COLUMBA!
PRESIDENT WILSON (to American Eagk). " GEE ! WHAT A DOVE I 'VE MADE OF YOU ! "
8. 1915.] PUNCH> OR THE LONDON CHARIVART
HOMACi; TO HAYLING.
HAVI-: y<>u ever been to Hayling?
As a health-resort, it's ntiilii/i/,
If your constitution 's failing
Or your nerve is gone or quailing.
I was rather clown and ailing,
Sick of town and Daily Jlfai/iiig,
Ami my ruddy cheeks were paling
\Vhen I (lew for rest to Hayling.
Many are its charms, regaling
Kv'ry sense with joy unfailing.
There in sanilships you go sailing ;
Bath Club tricks you see at Hayling,
Flowers their sweetest scents ex-
haling,
Shooting stars their splendour
trailing,
Moonlight, magic realms unveiling,
Miike a Paradise of Hayling.
There are neither trout nor grayling,
Nor romantic heights for scaling;
But you 11 find the golfer flailing
Balls in bunkers down at Hayling.
But, alas ! my peace assailing,
Ccnies a telegram, entailing
My departure, deeply wailing,
From the happy Isle of Hayling.
A SIDELIGHT ON HISTOEY.
DURING recent excavations on the
site of the old Admiralty Office at
Cadiz, writes a correspondent in Spain,
a remarkable document has been un-
earthed, which throws interesting light
on a great historical event, and proves
conclusively that the present war is
not the first which has been won by
both sides. The parchment has been
examined by & committee of experts,
who have pronounced it to be unques-
tionably the Spanish Official account
of the Armada's expedition against
Kngland. The following is a literal
translation : —
"On the 29th July, 1588, the Invinc-
ible Armada arrived off the Lizard,
and, proceeding along the littoral in
tho direction of Plymouth, commenced
hostilities against the enemy fleet. The
English caitiff's, as usual, declined a
full battle, and contented themselves
with skirmishestin our rear. Numerous
successes were scored by our mariners
in this region, including the sinking of
two empty fishing-smacks and a forti-
fied bell-buoy. Our fleet then continued
its victorious progress up the Channel.
The damage done by the enemy's fire
was of no military significance, though
twelve; of our galleons were, for strategic
rea ,,>ns, allowed to sink. On arriving
off Calais, the Armada cast anchor,
when the treacherous English, contrary
to all the established rules of naval
warfare, attacked us with fire-ships,
Friend. "Wny, YOU STILL 'ERE? I THOUGHT YOU WAS LEAVIXO."
Mary Jane. "So I WAS, BUT KVKHY TIME I TELL 'EB I'M 001*0 SHE BUYS IIE
ANOTHER WAR LOAH."
nd obtained a trifling minor success ;
>ut off Gravelines we gained a great
ictory in whicli twenty-two more of
our galleons were, in accordance with
iur strategy, abandoned. The English
now declined battle once more, and the
statement of Admiral DRAKE that this
ivas done for want of food and powder,
s a barefaced falsehood. The Duke of
MEDINA SIDONIA now relinquished his
jlan of picking up PARMA'S army group
roni the Low Countries and conceived
ho brilliant idea of a naval raid on the
Orkney Islands, admittedly England's
weakest spot, but owing to the incle-
mency of the weather this daring pro-
ect was not so successful as it otherwise
nust have been. Our conquering ad-
mirals then proceeded down the West
coast of Scotland and headed for Spain
to carry home the tidings of their great
achievements. The elements continued
to hamper our operations, though
brilliant assaults were conducted by
1 our landing parties against the kernes
of Ireland. Of the 130 vessels which
set sail from Cadiz, only fifty, it is true,
arrived safely back in that port, but
i it is generally felt that the expedition
has, on the whole, been a magnificent
success, and all the 10,000 of our
mariners who returned from tho hum-
; bling of England have been decorated
; by His Most Christian MAJESTY with
tin crosses of the ancient order of the
Santissima Trinidad."
206
PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHA1UVAIJI.
[SKl'TEMUKR 8, 1915.
THE GREAT GAME.
THE back pew was a high square
one just by the stove that warmed the
church. The Uncle always sat in the
front seat because it had arms to hold
him up. The Aunt always had a head-
ache on Sunday morning unless there
were visitors. The family was always
very nice about Aunt's Sunday morning
headaches, though she never allowed
Uncle to have one, which, Margaret
said, showed a selfish disposition.
We liked the pew when the prayers
were over and Inspector Barton had
sung his part in the anthem and slipped
out to see there was no drinking in the
" Rising Sun." Then the Uncle looked
round, shook his fist at
us and settled himself
for the sermon. It is
queer that the Uncle
could hear in his sleep,
because always after
the sermon he turned
to us and said that if
we didn't behave better
he would have to take
steps. And he always
shook the Rector by the
hand and said, " Ex-
cellent— excellent," so
he must have heard
the sermon. Yet Ralph
said that he couldn't
hear very well because
when Philip put a chest-
nut on the stove and it
went " pop " very loud, ;
the Uncle jumped in
his seat and said, "Ah-
men."
When the sermon be-
gan Margaret put her
hassock on the seat and
sat up to choose her
husband for the week.
She said the wedding game was the
only allowable one in church. When
she had chosen her husband she began
saying, " I, Margaret, do take thee,
James Grimble, to be my lawful wedded
husband." She generally chose Grimble
because he gave her biscuits at his
shop and had a nice polished bald head.
While the Uncle was sleeping and
Margaret marrying we played " Church
Attendance." It is a moral Sunday
game. Each of us had ten families.
We picked families in turn — only the
Rector's family wasn't allowed because
they had got to be at church, being in
the business. Then you see we scored
one mark for every person in our ten
families who was at church, and the
one whose families got most marks at
the end of the year was to get a week's
pocket-money from the other two. Of
course there was trouble about scoring.
You see sweethearts and friends visiting
were not to count. Once when Ralph
would score " cousins on a visit," there
was such a scrimmage that the Rector
looked up from his sermon and the
Uncle almost woke. It was a very
equal game. Philip's families weren't
more than four marks ahead, and if
only influenza got into them we others
stood a good chance.
Then one Sunday morning Ralph's
families turned up to the very last baby.
The next Sunday it was the same.
Ralph got twenty-two marks ahead,
and would scheme in church how he
would spend our money ; which was
breaking the Sabbath.
At last we found out his wicked
NEW TO THE LAND.
(late of Stepney). "I DON'T 'AKF LIKE THE JOB, BILL!
(late of Rotlierhitlie). "Non ME, ALP; SEEMS A BLOOMIN' SHIME
Alfred 'Awker
Bill Simmons
TKR KILL IT FOR THE SAKE OF A LITTLE MILK !
secret. Philip was waiting outside the
library to slip in and take the papers
with the war -pictures directly the
Uncle had gone to sleep, when the
Rector came, and Philip listened, not
dishonourably, but because he wanted
to know if chestnuts had been found
behind the church stove.
The Rector said, " Absurd as it may
seem, my parishioners think that I am
sending them postcards threatening
them with death, to ensure their regu-
lar attendance at church."
" Dear me," grunted the Uncle, " it 's
a case for the police. You don't think
the curate ? Some of these young men
are far too zealous."
" Oh, no, no. He "s a well-meaning
young man. Besides, these cards came
laefore days when I was officiating.
Now it stands to reason —
" Yes, yes, I see," said the Uncle.
"H'm, is this one of the cards? Ah,
leave the matter in my hands. 1 11
get to the bottom of it."
Philip rushed round to the school-
room, but before he could speak the
Uncle came in.
" I want to see how you are getting
on with your education," he said.
"All of you write down these words:
' family,' ' regular,' ' attendance,'
'death.'" Then he picked up the
papers and said, " You all spell out-
rageously, but Ralph is the only one
who spells ' regular ' ' regelar.' What
do you mean, Sir, by sending threaten-
ing letters to my tenants ? "
Ralph didn't like to say, so Margaret
spoke up f^pr him and said it was just a
Sunday game the boys
played in church. Then
the Uncle gave a great
laugh, which he said
was one of horror, and
said that, bad as it was
that such games should
be played in a sacred
edifice, it was even
worse that one of his
i nephews should take
I an unsporting advan-
tage over his brothers.
I So Ralph was sen-
i tenced to go round to
! all his families and
apologise, and explain
that they would not be
murdered if they stayed
away from church.
Then the Uncle said
to the Aunt at lunch
that it was preposter-
ous that Miss Smith
should "go home for
Sundays — the very day
the family needed a
governess's control.
But the Aunt said that
if he couldn't keep an eye on throe
boys in church it showed lament-
able weakness of character. So the
Uncle had to keep awake every Sunday
and the great game was never finished.
" ' This war must be rigid with machinery,
not men,' was one of the remarks made by
Mr. Lloyd George to Senator Humbert, whom
he met in London a few days ago."
Sheffield Daily Independent.
The MINISTEB OF MUNITIONS is not the
only man who regards the War as a
stiff proposition.
"Two captains, eight lieutenants, nice
second-lieutenants and two sergeant-majors
receive the Military Cross."
Glasgow Evening Times.
Why this discrimination ? We feel
sure that the captains, first lieutenants,
and the sergeant-majors were nice too.
SKPT.an.EB 8. 1915.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
. 7
"YES, SIB, THERE'S TWO OP MY SONS IN THE NAVT, AN' THERE'S TWO AT TUB Fao.vr, AS' THERE'S JOIIHKT w THE SCOUT*.
AN MY YOUNGEST 'EBB, 'E 's SWATTIN' EVERY FLY 'E CAN BET 'is EYES OK."
TO JAMES
(On /tts appointment to the Staff).
IT does not make me laugh and whoop
(Though certainly the choice ?s droll)
To hear that you are asked to stoop
To join that great malignant group ;
I hasten to condole.
Not for your frame I fear — ah, no,
For, far as creature comforts go,
They lack but little here below :
I shudder for your soul.
I know that when the seas are rude
And people's parcels long delayed,
No hint of trouble shall intrude
Where your select and frequent food
Is delicately laid ;
That, though the sweet Imbrosial hens
Abruptly perish in their pens,
Your eggs will not, like other men's,
Be absent from parade.
I know the neighbourhood is rich
In sandbagged shelters, cutely packed,
Yet if there be some special niche,
The perfect kind of cranny which
We hitherto have lacked,
Where man may shun the shells of
man
(And also Asiatic Anne),
'Twill ho but part of some huge plan
For keeping you intact.
I fear for you no foeman's knife,
But fear to see on that fresh face
The lofty look of one whose life
Is quite remote from earthly strife
(Though that will be the case) ;
I dread the perilous abyss
Of being sui generis,
And looking with some prejudice
On any other race.
I fear, yet hope, that after all,
If e'er you tread, supremely vast,
The lowly drain wherein we crawl,
You '11 have the kindness to recall
Some fragment of the past ;
For one wee while confess the sin
Of merely earthly origin,
And not refuse a genial grin
For fear of losing caste.
THE PROFESSIONAL.
WE are all death on flies in our
family. We grudge no effort, and none
of us (except father) grudges a little
casual damage to the furniture ; but
when it comes to results there is no
competing with Richard. He is a
born swatter. His attitude is that of
a professional towards clumsy ama-
teurs. We others swat, in our blun-
dering fashion, with napkins, knives,
handkerchiefs, forks, table-cloths and
so forth, but Richard swats with his
head. I do not mean that he kills
flies by butting at them like a goat ;
I merely mean that he uses his brains.
He lays his plans and watches us with
a tolerant boredom while we flick and
thump and prod, and in due time very
coolly and dispassionately he swats
his fly.
I fancy that Richard's success is
chiefly due to his masterly air of de-
tachment. The fly, accustomed to the
clamour of our furious onslaughts, soon
comes to associate danger with noise
and fuss. It thinks that when quiet is
restored the enemy has accepted defeat,
and it does a triumphant buzz round
the ceiling. And then Richard gets it.
He never moves from his corner, but
his immobility makes him all the more
deadly. His method is to spin a web
and sit in the middle of it. It sounds
ridiculously simple, but then everything
is simple when you know how to do it.
And Richard, as I have already men-
tioned, is a professional.
"The Melbourne Steamship Co.'s steamer
Melbourne is due here to-day, with TOGO e«m
of gunpowder and to-morrow."
• Aii/y Telegraph," Sydney, K.S.W.
This might be called taking time by the
forehold.
"The meeting of the citizen* of Vernon
records its inflexible determination to continue
to a victorious end the struggle in main-
tenance of the ideals of liberty and justice,
which are the common and sacred cum of the
Allies."— Vernon Neto* (B.C.)
Well, that 's what the Germans think
them, no doubt.
208
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[SEPTEMBER 8, 1915.
A LONELY SUBALTERN.
I ADJUSTED my puttee carefully, slid back into my chair,
and forced a smile. Then I caught sight of myself in a
mirror and ceased smiling.
" I don't understand it," I said. " Before the War,
Daphne, just before, you almost led me to believe I had a
chance. Twice I was on the verge of proposing."
Daphne looked interested. " When was that ? " she
asked.
" At the Somers' dance. The first time my nerve gave
way. The second time something stuck in my throat."
"Oh, was it at supper ? "
" Not at all," I replied shortly. " It was the words that
stuck in my throat."
Daphne played with a cushion. " I 'm awfully sorry,
Dick."
" That may be," I replied coldly. " That may be, but it
in no way eases the situation. Daphne, what is it ? " I
looked myself up and down. " Of c'ourse I 'm a little
bulky," I sighed.
" It isn't that."
" It can't be money," I said. " If my bank pass book is
to be believed, I saved £4 9s. 3d. last month."
Daphne shook her head. " It isn't money."
I became cynical. " Perhaps if I were home wounded,
instead of having been stuck in England all along, it —
" Dick, don't be mean."
"Daphne," I said, "I am disappointed in you. At much
personal discomfort I have proposed, and your refusal is
unaccompanied by any reason." I rose and stood erect.
" To-night Lonely Subaltern asks young lady to corre-
spond."
" Oh, Dick, not really."
I waited for her to finish laughing.
" Buy to-morrow's Times," I replied.
Donning my cap I took a look round the room, obviously
a last long look, turned to the right, saluted smartly,
paused, then hurried out.
From Daphne's chair came sounds of either tears or
laughter.
:S $ # * ~'f -'f . #
For a week I languished, and it was just as I was on the
point of writing Daphne a firm note that her letter came.
" Dear Dick," she wrote, " when can you come to tea ? "
I replied in person. I greeted her courteously but doubt-
fully, leaving it to her to explain the situation.
"Dick," she said, "have you had many replies to your
advertisement ? "
" Advertisement ? What — oh — er — yes, of course. No,
I haven't had ' many.' "
" You haven't had any from a girl called Dora ? "
" No, not exactly."
" Not exactly ? "
"No ; you see I didn't advertise after all."
" Didn't advertise ? "
Daphne went very white, then red, and then white.
" Oh, heavens," she whispered.
I got up quickly. "Daphne," I said, "you are not well.
Lean on me."
" I 'm all right, thanks," she said faintly. " But, Dick, I
really have done it."
"How?"
" Don't you see ? I answered your advertisement in
TI;e Times — Lonely Subaltern."
" But I sent in no advertisement."
" Yes, but you told me you were going to."
" Well, I didn't do it."
" Then somebody else did."
" And you answered it ? "
Daphne nodded.
" Thinking it was my advertisement ? "
She nodded again.
"Daphne," I said, "this is a serious business — most
serious. Has there been much correspondence ? ''
She gave a little laugh.
" Has there been much correspondence? " I repeated.
" Not very much from him," she said. " I 've written a
lot. He only sent two short notes typewritten, the last
one saying he was soon off to the Front. Er — that 's why
I asked you to tea."
" Daphne," I inquired, " what did you write ? "
Daphne hesitated. " Oh, a lot. You see I thought it
was you, Dick," she said. " You signed yourself, ' Lonely
Subaltern.' "
" You must please leave me out of this," I replied coldly.
" Well, what am I to do about it ? "
There was a silence. Then, " I '11 do it," I said.
"Do what?"
" Get you out of this mess," I replied. " There is only
one explanation that can excuse you in this man's eyes
for your apparent trifling with his affections. It is quite
normal, Daphne, for a girl to keep two men in suspense
while she 's making up her mind. Very well, I am one ;
Lonely Subaltern is the other ; and I am going to make
it easy for you to explain why he may regard himself as
no longer in suspense. / am going to propose."
" Oh, Dick."
" It 's your only chance."
There was an awkward pause in the dialogue, in which
I swallowed convulsively. "Daphne," I began. "Daphne,"
I continued. " Daphne," I finished rather lamely.
I have made better proposals of course, but, considering
the circumstances, I thought I did well. Anyhow the
result was most encouraging.
MUSCLES AND SINEWS OF WAR.
(Suggested by a study of the more intimate advertising efforts
of the Fighting and Financial Departments.)
THAT the draught which the KAISER is lusting to lap
May be dashed from his confident lip, •
The youth of our land must get into the scrap
While the others get on to the scrip.
Nibbling, Indeed.
"A communique reports important progress north of Arras. Wo
assaulted and captured two strongly fortified works and a large
trench along a front of one millimetre, near Souchez."
" Weekly Courier" (Tasmania).
An Indian paper reports the Chief Officer of the Women
Police Patrols as saying : —
" Personally I wept through the training of jiu-jitsu, but we do not
insist upon it for every officer."
If the process is so painful this is just as well.
"Wanted, about Sept. 1st, by officer's (regular) wife, either small
furnished House or nice Booms." — Bournemouth Daily Echo.
A little cryptic, perhaps ; but we gather in time that the
advertiser's husband is not a Territorial.
" Orders were received yesterday for the 14th Gloucesters (the West
of England Bantams), to leave Bristol for camp, on Saturday next.
" The number of eggs received at the Kingswood and Han ham Dcjpnt
for the week ended August 21, was 834." — Western Daily Press.
With average luck that should make a fine nucleus for the
new battalion.
SKPTKMUKB 8, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
TIIK BIGH-WATER MARK.
A SMALL difliculty of some military
importance has arisen at "Sunnyside."
anil wo don't quite know what ought
to bo done about it. So if anyone who
reads this has a cousin at the War
Ofiice — well . . .
Yesterday Bob arrived straight from
Armageddon.
His two "Mothers," so he informs
us, aro languishing under the eye of a
reckless and totally undependahle gun-
crank— to wit, his Major. Therefore
his leave is strictly limited, as at any
moment the Major may be tempted to
foolhardy experiment, and — well, Bob
says three days is all he dare take.
This is just to let you know that
I'M >li is a person who is acquainted
with crumps, pip-squeaks, and other
nerve-racking instruments of war, and
by the same token is not a bad judge
of the matter.
The matter — something the matter
— began nearly two years ago. I went
to a doctor, who thought it was the
result of overwork — until he came to
know mo better. Then he abandoned
the case, his temper permanently
soured. So I went to another man,
who said it was caused through lack of
occupation. I abandoned him. After
that I went to manifold other doctors,
and at last, one bright morning in
Welbeck Street, I was told to have my
teeth out — all of them. I liked this
chap. There was something definite
about him. I went home and counted
my teeth — twenty-seven of them.
The programme read : " One ex-
traction weekly." Twenty -seven ap-
pointments with the dentist !
It was an epic of dentistry, slightly
vulgarised by the term "weekly." I
corrected this to " third Tuesday in the
month," thus transforming the affair
into a genuine Odyssey. I then wrote
a short note about appointment No. 1.
All this was in the beginning. I
hardly knew my dentist in those days.
Now I call him Charlie.
Month after month we (including
the anaesthetist) gathered round the
same old chair and spoke of all our
sorrows and our joys. Soon after the
right upper wisdom disappeared Charlie
married. Then the anaesthetist died,
poor chap. That was early in 1914,
before the second bicuspid vanished.
Then Charlie had twins, and in his
excitement nearly took out a couple of
incisors instead of one. Then the War
broke out ... I was still at it.
Then the new anaesthetist grew a
military moustache — tooth-brush brand
. . I was still at it.
Later on, the sight of my sober
contemporaries in strange uniforms
A HANDY MAN.
Marine (somewhat late for parade). "AT six O'CLOCK I WAS A BLOOMIX' 'OUSEMAID;
AT SEVEN O'CLOCK I WAS A BLOOMIN' VALET ; AT EIGHT O'CLOCK I WAS A BLOOM IN'
WAITER; AN' sow I 'M A BLOOMIN' SOLDIKK! "
was more than flesh could bear, so,
;hrowing aside all caution, I made a
iiml sprint and had the insignificant
remainder — three molars — extracted at
one sitting.
The rest, of course, was simple. It
was only a matter of weeks. I merely
md to sit still and consider patterns of
*reen-grey material suitable for wear
n the local brigade of " Frosty-Tops."
That was some time ago, and — well, it
wasn't my teeth after all. We never
;alk about teeth now, at least we didn't
until last night. As I have mentioned,
Bob arrived yesterday, so Joe and I, a
thoroughly selfish couple, arranged a
feast, to which we decided to invite our
three selves only. Joe wrote the menu
in Flemish and I shook up the old
Australian port. Nothing was forgotten,
and, when the time came, we sat down
to pump Bob of all the latest scandals
from G.H.Q. . . . Should any reader
wish to know whether things are going
well in Flanders, the answer is in the
affirmative.
210
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [SEPTEMBER 8, 1915.
L f
OUR RESERVES.
Genial Clergyman. "Bui IP YOU DO NOT BELONG TO THE ROYAL FIELD ARTILLEHY, MY BOY, WHAT is THE MEANING OF ' R.F.A.
ON YOUR SHOULDER?"
Urchin. "'READY FOB ANYFINK,' SIR."
Over the barcelonas we raised a tidy
little breeze on the subject of courage.
Joe and I were all for something be-
tween the trenches — ours and the
Huns'. Some desperate deed such as
we should hear of daily if the Censor
were not so antagonistic to person-
alities. Bob entirely disagreed.
" War," he maintained, "is a sociable
and entertaining form of enervation,
punctuated with moments of breathless
exhilaration." He admitted that there
were occasions when courage was really
necessary, viz. : — •
(1) Leaving your guns in the hands
of Majors and other senior officers.
(2) Undergoing a prolonged exhor-
tation on tactics from the Brigadier.
(3) Eating marmalade by moonlight
during the wasp season.
(4) Borrowing another chap's mouth-
organ — and playing it.
"That sort of thing," he continued,
" does need a bit of pluck, but the
actual fighting ..." He cracked a
nut scornfully.
" Well," I ventured, " what is your
idea of the best example of physical
courage? "
He did not hesitate a moment.
" Having a tooth out," he replied
tersely.
Just that. " Having a tooth out."
I haven't quite decided what I am
going to do about it.
I did think of the V.C., but Joe has
persuaded me to wait until they make
a more distinctive award for the highest
form of valour.
EXTRAVAGANCE.
[According to " The Sheffield Daily Tele-
graph," the Education Committee of
the City Council decline to study
economy.]
With abject apologies to the shade of
MILTON.
HENCE, loath'd Economy,
Of Thriftiness and Parsimony born,
In miser's den forlorn,
Where dust and dirt enjoy complete
autonomy !
But come, thou girl with golden
glance,
By some men called Extravagance ;
Haste thee, nymph, and bring with
thee
Irresponsibility,
Whom, with saucy face oblique,
Lightsome laugh and simple cheek,
Thumb extended from her nose,
In a light fantastic pose,
Every critic pen derides,
And the folk who pay, besides.
And ever, 'gainst corroding cares,
Lap us in official airs,
Married to a haughty speech
(As when new-made curates preach)
With epithets in winding bout
Of clotted nonsense long drawn out,
Such as men may fancy witty
(Men at least on our Committee).
Then MIDAS' self shall rear his head,
By kindred taste and fancy led,
And dim his eyes with thankful tears,
Beholding our resemblant ears !
Aid us thus, and we can laugh
At The Sheffield Telegraph.
"'Off' Orders — Suppose a man took the
trouble personally to go to a grocer before 12
or after 2. 30 to give an order for spirits to be
supplied in the permitted hours, the grocer
could not take the order ; he can take it only
if the person is present on five days a weei
between the hours of 12 and 2.30."
The Glasgow Herald.
It seems a long time to wait, especially
if one is really thirsty.
<1H\HIVARI._8ErnWMB
«
THE ADVANCE THAT FAILED.
THE KAISER. "HAVE YOU HAD ENOUGH?"
THE TSAB. "NO. HAVE YOU?"
8. 1915.]
PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
First Nut. "JOAN is A DARLING; SHE SAYS SHE LOVES ME."
Second Nut. "YES, SHE TELLS YOU THAT, BUT SHE HCOB tie.'
THE APPRO. WEEK.
THIS is what it said in the advertise-
ment : " On appro., one week willingly."
As Ursula observed, " They simply
must be honest to put that in ! " So I
answered the advertisement; and on
the next day he arrived.
He came by railway delivery, attached
to the railway deliverer by a rusty chain
and a friendship that seemed to have
been established on the journey from
the station. He had a white coat of the
variety known as wire-haired ; a tousled
black-and-tan head, from which looked
out the most pathetically melting eyes
imaginable; and his name recalled the
finest traditions of literature and art.
It was Toby.
He appeared to take to the place at
once; and indeed to be almost cheerful,
so long as one or other of us was at
hand with a supply of soothing con-
versation. But you would hardly credit
the extent to which the wistful pathos
in his eyes deepened at the smallest
suggestion of being left alone. His
passion for sitting upon laps seemed
also extraordinary in one whose short
lifu had been spent wholly (so I under-
stood) in the monastic society of a
stable. There was no dislodging him.
Did liis supporter for the moment rise,
in two seconds Toby would impose him-
self upon the other, give an exploratory
turn or so, and with a little contented
sigh compose bis countenance to sleep.
It was flattering, of course, but it had
its drawbacks.
When one day of the week had gone
we were still undecided. To appro, or
not to appro. Both Ursula and I were
already more than a little in love with
Toby, but his profound melancholy
militated undeniably against his success
as a boon companion. Neither sticks,
i bones nor the suggestion of mythical
cats could raise him from this apparent
depression.
"Don't you suppose he knows any
games? " asked Ursula.
One active interest in life he had,
j and only one ; but this was constant.
" Did they say anything about — them
in the letter ? " asked Ursula.
"The person who wrote it said that
he had never seen him scratch," I
replied.
" He must," said Ursula thoughtfully,
"have been a singularly unobservant
man."
Still we hesitated. A point on the
credit side was that there was no
difficulty in making him follow ; rather
the other way.
On the fourth afternoon of his visit
Ursula and I were both engaged to tea
with the new Rectoress. We thought
to have solved the problem of Toby by
locking him in the potting-shed. The
Rectory stands at the remote end of
the village, about half a mile distant
! from our home. One recalled aftor-
| wards, of course, that the window of
the potting-shed had incautiously been
left ajar; but how the faithful animal
traced us to the Rectory and actually
forced an entrance to the drawing-room
was another matter. Somewhere on
the journey he must have encountered
a pond of green slime . . . The Rector
himself was exceedingly nice about it,
and related several appropriate anec-
dotes from The Spectator; but it cannot
be protended that Toby added to the
success of the visit. We returned home
with the balance of popular opinion in
favour of rejection.
And that night Toby sickened.
Whether it was that green slime had
been inimical to his constitution, or
for whatever reason, the fact remains
that our probationer became mani-
festly unwell. His eyes grew dull, his
nose hot, and the little tousled head
clearly ached, with such reluctance was
it lifted from the human arm (Ursula's)
into which it had trustfully nestled.
His host and hostess regarded him and
each other with some anxiety, mingled
perhaps, on my part, witli a little irri-
tation.
" That settles it," I said. •• We 've
had the dog four days, and he 's been
one perpetual bother. Directly lie's
able to travel, he goes."
" Ye-es," said Ursula.
We made up an emergency bed with
a basket and some rugs before the
kitchen fire ; and Toby lay in it, more
pathetic than ever, with a last fond fare-
214
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [SEPTEMBER 8, 1915.
well in his one uncovered eye for the
members of tho household gathered
round. Our official vet. is away Bosche
hunting at present, but on the next
morning the locum, summoned by
telegram, called for our visitor in a
dog-cart, and bore him away wrapped
in a blanket All that day the house
seemed oddly quiet — oddly, because
Toby had never been what you could
call a vehement inmate — and Ursula
and I told each other at intervals how
fortunate it was that we had dis-
covered things in time.
" I hope," she added, " that
you will write pretty sharply
about it to the advertisement
people."
Two more days went by, while
we heard nothing of the invalid.
The week was now in its last
hours. Something had to be
done, and immediately. In the
unlikely event of its being pos-
sible, there was Toby's return
journey to be arranged. " I shall
drive in to-morrow," I said, " and
settle the matter."
" I might as well come too,"
said Ursula.
So in the morning we started —
I with the rusty chain in my coat
pocket. I had already looked up
times, and decided that Toby was
to catch the noon express from
the junction. " Of course," said
Ursula timidly, " one wouldn't
want him to run any risks or be
unhappy on the journey."
" Ursula," I reproved her, " I
have no intention of being brutal,
but that dog would be unhappy
anywhere. He revels in it."
At the locum' s, however, a sur-
prise awaited us.
" Of course he 's able to travel,"
declared Toby's medical adviser
briskly. " He 's as fit as a fiddle !
Only had a touch of liver-chill.
I '11 go and fetch him for you. : I
we are united again ! What a mo-
ment ! "
He was upon Ursula's knee already,
pounding her with tumultuous paws,
licking her face, and then turning to
loll his tongue delightedly at me.
' Seems a bit more lively now," com-
mented the locum.
a label ? "
" Shall you want
Ursula looked up, and our eyes met.
" No," I said firmly, with the air of
one who clings to an unalterable reso-
lution. I replaced the chain in my
Two THIRD-CLASS RETURNS.
WHERE TO?'
"WHY, BACK 'ERE, o' COURSE, YE PULE!"
expect," he added over his shoulder, " it
may have been coming on for some
days."
This was eminently satisfactory.
There was now no possible reason why
Toby should not be returned at once.
I produced the rusty chain. Ursula
had seated herself and was gazing
sternly out of window. And then,
before we expected him, Toby entered.
There came a sound of scrabbling and
snuffling at the door; it opened, and
an agitated mass of black, white, and
tan dashed into the room, and precipi-
tated itself upon us, quivering from
head to all four feet in an ecstasy of
welcome. " Oh, my long-lost master !
Oh, my beloved mistress ! " cried Toby,
beaming with wags. " At length
pocket. " He will not be travelling
to-day." The question had, I felt,
been taken out of our hands. The
answer was Appro.
Journalistic Candour.
"Owing to its private wire, the 'Northern
A SURPRISE VISIT.
"You must see the Camp Quarter-
master's store." The voice was the
voice of our Commandant and I was
the Camp Quartermaster. The person
addressed I guessed to be the General,
who was paying us a surprise visit. In
our camps we are prepared for any
emergency and, curiously enough, the
whole camp had that morning been
scrubbed and cleaned in case anything
like an unexpected visit from the
General should occur. I glanced
round the store to make sure that
it was in a suitable condition to
be surprised, and I started furi-
ously adding up figures in order
to be surprised while engaged in
my work.
"This, General, is the Camp
Quartermaster." I hurriedly put
down my pen, rose from my chair
and stood on my cap, which I had
hastily removed and placed out
of sight on the floor so as not to
embarrass the General by making
him acknowledge a salute in a
confined space.
For the General I was prepared ;
but that Mrs. General and several
other ladies would be in attend-
ance I had not anticipated. I
forthwith removed one foot from
my cap and got my face mixed
up with the bunch of bananas
which I had hung over my table
in order to give an artistic Oriental
appearance to the store.
" You would hardly think that
this gentleman is a distinguished
writer," said our Commandant,
meaning me. The look of frank
incredulity on the face of the
General, if somewhat offensive,
was thoroughly justified, as of
course I am not a distinguished
writer or anything of the kind,
though our Commandant usually
' introduces us to strangers as per-
sons distinguished in something other
than soldiering, so as to gloss over
any slight error of military etiquette
of which we may be guilty. Out of
loyalty to our Commandant I en-
deavoured to assume what I believed
to be the air of a distinguished writer,
though I was considerably handicapped
Echo 'gives War news three or four hours | b tm havmg one foot on my cap and
ater than any other paper printed m or circu- ' , , , ,
lating in the district."
" FLAGS PLAYED INTO PETROGRAD.
Pour regimental colours from Kovno have
arrived at Moscow. They were preceded by
a military band and were escorted to the
Kremlin."— Evening Paper.
This stratagem of making Petrograd
my face in the bunch of bananas.
" How interesting ! " murmured the
ladies.
" Really ! " said the General. " What
do you write ? "
" Orders for beer mostly," I muttered.
" I shall be very interested to read
them," said the General, who could
part of the Kremlin may prove very hardly have caught the full purport of
baffling to the Germans. my reply, as he had meantime wrapt
KK..TKM..KK M. 1915.] PUNCH, QR TJIE IjOyDQN CHARIVARI.
SKETCH OF HOUSE-PARTY (SHOWIHO LATEST DESIGNS ra AUTCMH SUITINGS) ; BEING THE ONLY WAT A BEALLY PATRIOTIC TAILOB
DARE ADVERTISE MUFTI AT THE PBESENT TIME.
his head in one of those long sticky
tilings which are known as "fly ceme-
teries " and are to be found hanging in
every self-respecting store. In spite of
the fact that we all worked our hardest,
the process of disentangling him took
time, as fly cemeteries are elusive things
and as soon as we got one end off one
ear the other end adhered to his other
ear.
" So this is your store," said the
General's wife, who was the first to re-
cover. " What 's the price of potatoes ? "
I had expected this, and in anticipation
of the General's visit (I mean in view
of the possibility of a visit from the
General) I had learnt the price of every
kind of potato that had ever been
i-aisrd. The making or marring of a
Quartermaster depends on whether or
not he can tell the General the price of
potatoes. I could have given the right
answer at any moment up to the time
of his becoming involved with the fly
cemetery, but now it had vanished
from mo like a Zeppelin in the night.
" Potatoes — yes, of course these are
potatoes," I said, and endeavoured to
change the conversation by treading on
a pot of jam, "and this is jam, as you
see by the pips "
" What 's the price of potatoes ? "
rudely interrupted the General, whose
temper was slightly ruffled by the
number of semi-defunct flies which
still adhered to his scalp.
" It depends whether you mean
London potatoes or Country potatoes,
Sir, because, of course, you can get
potatoes in the country as well as in
London. Personally I prefer the Lon-
don variety. This potato (I picked one
out of the sack) is a Londoner ; the
country kind are similar in shape but
of course cleaner. I have had some
country ones here and, as a matter of
fact, kept one to show you in case you
came down, but it died yesterday and
we had to cook it. I don't remember
exactly what I paid for this particular
potato ; you see I 've had to buy several
and they 're difficult to identify and the
price varies according to the market
value. I 'in afraid that in England the
civilian doesn't pay sufficient attention
to the price of potatoes, but in Ger-
many things are different ; that's why
we get so many conflicting reports.
I 've read as many as two absolutely
contradictory accounts of the German
potato crop in the same paper. Accord-
ing to one account the last potato in
Germany had been destroyed by an air
raid ; according to the other potatoes
were so plentiful that they weren't
worth picking and were simply rotting
on the trees."
" Potatoes on trees ! " said Mrs.
General.
That's the worst of women, they
always know about these domestic
things.
Providentially the General at this
moment became involved in another
fly cemetery and while weunglued him
I remembered the price of potatoes.
" You know, Sir, of course," I said,
" that the present price of potatoes in
the London market is six shillings per
cwt., and sixpence more in the country.
Yes, that is tinned milk ; fresh milk is
sold only in the towns. I buy my
bananas from Spain, and the curious
thing is that the men prefer marmalade
to jam. Good-bye, Sir, the flies are
troublesome, aren't they ? "
The Super-Luncher*.
" Visits were paid yesterday by Sir Robert
and Lady Baden-Powell to Southport and
St. Helen's.
At each place the visitors were entertained
at lunch by the Mayor and Mayoress."
Morning Paper.
A headline from The Egyptian
Gazette :—
" RATS AS GERMAN CABRIEBS."
Although we have heard much of these
animals as conveyers of plague, we can
hardly believe this latest accusation.
" Owing to a plague of wasps in the Sheffield
district, farmers have had to stop harvest
operations to take wasps wasp notU before
they could gather in their wasps."
Edinburgh Evening Dispatch.
Some of them appear to have strayed
into the printing-office.
216
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [SEPTEMBER 8, 1915.
HOLIDAY'S END.
(After six days' leave in the North.)
FOR three long days of white and gold and blue
(And three of driving wind and driven rain),
For wonder of the misty dawns that grew
Clear, as the dayshine followed in their train, — •
For all the pleasuring that yours and you
Provided, Thomas, take my thanks again.
Now — Franceward bound once more — I look again
To where your hill slides into far-off blue
Behind me ; and the rattle of the train
Can't drown the fairy-songs I hear, that grew
Out of the clouds, out of the falling rain —
Songs of a land I leave, alas ! with you.
And for to-morrow ? Oh, my Thomas, you
Will climb the stony southern beat again
To Corriecharbie ; and across the blue
The driven birds will come, a straggling train ;
And at the clearing where the rowans grew
You '11 wait for lunch, and sniff the corning rain . .
Or, if the river 's up with last night's rain,
That twenty-pounder 's lying by for you —
The wary one I played and lost again
Down at the Falls ; and shall you try that " Blue
Doctor " we tied on Sunday — left to train
On for a little, " till his feathers grew " ?
Ah, when the fishing wind set fair, and grew
From south to south-west with a hint of rain,
All day we stayed there till our hands were blue
And the long line ran out and out again.
This — poor Unfit One — this remains to you ;
To me, the flying shadow of the train.
Yet later, when the southward-swinging train
Crosses the Border — where our friendship grew
And ripened — and the scent of English rain
Blows through an English night, I think of you
Cheerfully ; I am Sassenach again
As the last stars go down in misty blue.
x * * * * * *
POSTSCRIPTUM.
But with the blue chill morning, as the train
Left wind and rain and hills behind, there grew
This hope — that you might ask me there again.
UNWRITTEN
LETTERS TO
No. XXVI.
THE KAISER.
(From CHARLES PEACE, Esq., J.P.)
I CAN see your Majesty's startled look when your Imperial
eye falls upon my signature at the end of this letter.
" How in thunder," you will say to yourself, " does a man
with such a name as that dare to address himself to me at
such a moment as this ? Is it done by way of a joke ? In
that case I would have him know that a German Emperor
does not care for jokes, except when he makes them
himself ; " and you will throw the letter down and trample
on it with just that same silly petulance that caused you
to make this War and plunge nearly all the world into
bloodshed and destruction.
However, I may as well ease your mind at once. There 's
no joke about my name. It really is " Peace " and always
has been since I can remember anything, and I 'm not
writing in order to tease you or pull your leg, or to do any
of those things of which a high and mighty Emperor
naturally disapproves. Quite the contrary. My object in
writing to you is to tell you that I have a certain admira-
tion for you. I realise that that is a queer thing for an
Englishman to say, and I don't want you to do what
you 've so often done before in other matters, namely, to
draw erroneous conclusions. So I '11 explain what I mean
without any more beating about the bush.
Sir, I had a grandfather — indeed, like the rest of us, I
had two, but only one of them stamped his name upon the
age and is worthy of public remembrance. That one was
my paternal grandfather, whose name, like my own, was
CHAULES PEACE. You 11 ask what he was. Well, I '11 tell
you in strict confidence, for, after all, one doesn't like the
frailties of one's ancestors to become the subject of malevo-
lent public gossip. CHAELIE PEACE was a burglar and a
murderer who flourished some forty years ago. Many men
have been burglars and some have been assassins, but my
grandfather had special and peculiar merits. He was an
amateur of the violin and used to delight his landladies and
their visitors by playing popular selections to them of an
evening before going out on business in the neighbourhood.
Moreover, he had a marked taste for our dramatic poets,
especially for SHAKSPEARE, passages from whose immortal
works he used to read in schools by arrangement with their
headmasters. His greatest effort in this line, I am told,
was the Gravediggers' scene from Hamlet. Altogether he
was a most ingenious and versatile gentleman, devoted to the
arts during the time that he spared from the cracking of
cribs and the shooting of policemen. Finally, however, the
law got the better of him. All this was a great blow to my
poor father, who was doing a good and honest business of
his own in the North of England, and for a time we had
to forget my grandfather ; but as the years passed on and
money began to accumulate, we could afford to remember
him sometimes ; and now, I protest, we "re rather proud of
him, just as many a Border family used to be proud of an
ancestor who had been hanged at Carlisle for sheep-stealing.
So it is possible that some future generation of men may
speak with less horror than the present of yourself and
your deeds. To be sure you have killed millions where
grandfather accounted for only one or two. He rifled a few
houses ; you have laid whole provinces waste, and being
under a solemn pledge to guard a country, you entered it
like a thief in the night, destroyed its inhabitants and
trampled its liberties underfoot. Yes, you 're a bigger man
in the realms of crime than ever CHARLES PEACE, my grand-
father, was, but what with your dabblings in music and
painting and drama, you "re not unlike him in the make-up
of your character, and if I happened to want a grandfather
of the real C.P. brand, I think I should know where to look
for one. That's what I wanted to tell you, and now that
I 've told it my mind is easier. But please do not let this
unstudied tribute of admiration go beyond yourself.
Yours, CHARLES PEACH.
From a tailor's advertisement : —
" Solo Agents for the Glengorra Antisceptic Sporting Tweeds."
Kilkenny Moderator.
The cloth for " The Cloth."
"The ladies also took an active part in the work, helping to paint
and varnish the widows." — Bath Herald.
Ho ! for the touch of a varnished hand !
" The humorous bone of his left arm is shattered."
East Devon JVcirs.
We prefer the simpler name for it.
H, 1915.]
Till: GAKDKN ON Tl I K SANDS
SHK made ii lovely Burden,
Its moated waters welled,
And all 1,1 us brakes of Arden
Held not I he peace it held ;
No shadow swept the bower
That rose on sea-smoothed sands
Rave, as she set each flower,
The shadow of her hands.
I leroin were paths enchanted
With coloured sand inlaid,
And purple knapwtel planted
In many a pleasant glade ;
Parterres with grave devotion
She laboured to adorn
"With cockles from the ocean
And cockles from the corn.
Then lo ! the crowning wonder,
A flower that bent and swung
To filmy wings' faint thunder
And legs that clasped and clung ;
And proud blue eyes grow wider
And cheeks a rosier hue —
Real bees at work beside her
And make-believe come true
A MOULD OF FORM.
IT has been said that everybody is
afraid of some one. Equally true is it
that everybody envies some one. Mr.
ROCKEFELLER, for example, probably
envies some poor man with a digestion,
hair on his head and no Standard- Oil
troubles — a tramp even. Mr. CARNEGIE,
it is possible, envies a young Scotch
boy beginning life with half-a-crown in
his pocket. And so with the rest of us
— each has his hero.
The man who, at the moment, I feel
to be most admirable and remote
from myself — and this remoteness is
of course of the essence of envy — is
my acquaintance, X.
I had always felt that X bad worthy
qualities of distinction, engaging touches
of superiority and aloofness, but not
until we were seated on an omnibus in
the high wind of last week did I realise
how splendid he could be and long for
similar gifts.
Wo had just come from Blank's, X's
batter, where he had acquired a beau-
tiful soft hat, which he was wearing,
and we were on our way regally on
the front seat of a Dreadnought bus
ko South Kensington Museum, where
we were bent on examining a branch
of applied art.
The wind, you will remember, came
'uriously in gusts, and one of these
removed from X's head his becoming
new purchase and sent it spinning
nto the road. Uttering a brief word
lesigned to meet, although not to ex-
haust, the requirements of such occur-
RECOGNITION.
THESE TWO VOLUNTEERS, THOUGH KXTRKMEI.Y THIRSTY, ARK UBEATLY PLCAIED AT
HAVING BEEN REFUSED DRINKS OS THE GROUND THAT THEY ABB SOLDIEKa.
rences, he rang the bell and descended
from the bus. I followed.
So far he had done no more than
anyone else — you or I — would do ; but
no sooner had he safely landed than
lie put up his stick to a passing taxi
and bade the driver take us back to
Blank's.
In the distance I could see officious
persons closing in on the fugitive ; but
X's eyes did not stray in their direction.
A very few moments brought us to a
part of the road where, as we passed,
*n excited man was in the act of brush-
ing X's hat preparatory to finding its
owner and returning it to him.
I drew X's attention to this Good
Samaritan, and it was then that be
seemed to mo to rise inches above the
common stature.
" Let 's get on to Blank's quickly,"
he said.
" Further communications from Berlin are
expected to advance negotiation* to the point
whore attacks on ship-carrying passenger* will
be definitely discontinued, at least while the
subject is under further discussion."
ilorntny Paper.
Still, in view of the vagueness of this
concession, it would be wise for the
intending traveller not to include the
i Mauritania in his personal baggage.
218
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[SEPTEMBER 8, 1915.
BACK.
MILLIONS of stout Germans buzzed
annoyingly about, flicking at me as
they passed with absurd toy bayonets,
and puffing from rounded cheeks their
nasty gases, which spread in great
balloons like the conversations in Mr.
HASELDEN'S Daily Mirror pictures.
Then an angel — no, it must have been
a goddess — appeared and drove them
away with a wave of her arm, quite
like the old times, you know, HECTOR
and Troy and all that. I began to
wonder which she was ; Hera — I hoped
not Hera, I always hated her so ; or
Athena — I shouldn't mind Athena ; or
perhaps Aphrodite : yes, I think Aphro-
dite on the whole, please. When the
last German had quite gone she came
towards me — so she hadn't forgotten
how to do it after all these years, you
see ; having rescued her favourite, she
would speak to him words of advice
and encouragement. How splendid !
She touched me lightly on the
shoulder. " Breakfast," she said. Then
she materialised a little, but only just
a little. Her robes became the sober
grey dress and little scarlet cloak that
soldiers know and bless. " Breakfast,"
she said again. " We''re in."
She turned away to the next cot.
Breakfast indeed ! Good Heavens, who
wants breakfast ? We 're in.
A doubt assailed me ; the goddess
had gone and I looked uneasily round
for the gas-blowing Germans, craning
to see uader the cot. It 's just the
mean trick they would do to hide
underneath and blow their nasty stuff
from there. I craned as far as my
miserable arm would let me till a
gentle bump of the boat nearly shot
me out. But it settled the matter.
We are in, and that 's Southampton
pier we 're bumping against.
The goddess returned. " Come, you
must eat your breakfast, you know."
Even goddesses are a nuisance at
times. " And then you shall have a
paper ; it 's just come."
" But Aphr . . . Sister, I can't eat
this mess."
She coaxed a little, but finally gave
in.
" Well, at any rate drink this, and
then I '11 leave you in peace to your
paper."
I drank " this " and she went. I was
quite awake now, but J didn't want to
read ; I just lay and listened to them
getting the gangways out ; it was a
jolly sound.
Presently a man in the far corner
said there was a big casualty list in.
Everyone takes a morbid interest in
casualty lists, so I opened my paper to
look at it. It was a penny paper, and
simply enormous ; you know what they
seem like when you 're ill. I turned
page after page ; a trench was stormed
and recaptured, stormed and recaptured,
stormed and recaptured. In the money
markets tin shouted that it was buoyant
with a persistency that was simply
revolting. What business had tin to
be buoyant just then ?
At last I came upon the " Fallen
Officers" notices. I ran my eye down
— one or two of the men I had known ;
presently the name of 2nd Lieutenant
John Sevastopol . . . Hello ! that 's famil-
iar ; Sevastopol is a name that has lain
heavy on the boys of our family ever
since an enthusiastic little lady bore a
son and lost a husband in the winter
of '55. Forsyth, 2nd Battalion, the
W . By Jove, it is. John Sevas-
topol Forsyth. I chuckled quietly; it
really was rather funny. I wondered
what people I knew would say about
me at breakfast that morning. With
the porridge perhaps, how sad it was all
these youngsters getting killed off like
this ; over the bacon they might recall
my good points and say what a promis-
ing boy I 'd always been ; by the mar-
malade they 'd wish they 'd been nicer
to me — I am so glad they weren't.
I was still chuckling when an
E. A.M.C. Major came round, decorating
each as he passed with a label. On
me he pinned the word "Ipswich." I
read it and groaned. "Major," I said,
" this is too much. Here am I, a bright
and promising young officer, who has
just died for his country, and you send
me home and bury me at Ipswich.
Ipswich of all places, I '11 trouble you."
The Major was adamant. " Sorry,"
he said, " but you '11 have to take your
chance ; you can't all go to London."
I fired my last shot. When you
really want anything out of a Major
you call him Sir ; it 's like calling a
policeman Sergeant, you know ; makes
him feel as if he 'd got his command
by brevet. " But, Sir," I began, and
then I explained exactly why I, at any
rate, must go to London. He 'd only
just got his majority and was still
human. " Very well," he said at last ;
" but don't go talking about it to every-
body." So I was redirected to London.
Soon the transporting began, an ex-
hausting process when you are absurdly
conscious of the tenderness of most of
your limbs ; and when we were safely
in the train I dozed at once, not to
wake till we reached Waterloo. The
rest was short, an ambulance ride
through London streets, an absolute
dream after the French pav6, and then
the hospital, where beautiful white
walls with rounded corners seemed to
say, " You 've got to get well here."
It was perfect, but I wanted one thing
more. Of course they had it — a port-
able one, that I could speak through as
I lay in bed. " Western double-three 0
five." That wasn't the real number —
this is the part of the story that isn't
true — and I don't know who Western
3305 is, but I hope he '11 let me use his
line for a minute. " Western double-
thhrrree 0 five," answered an austere
voice. A pause. "Hello!" I recog-
nised the voice, it was the one I wanted,
but it didn't sound quite so merry as
usual. ' Hello ! " it said again ; " who 's
that?"'
"Eoughly," I said, "this is a voice
from the tomb."
" Speak up." I spoke up ; even so
there seemed to be some doubt.
" What 's your number ? " asked the
voice.
So then I began at the beginning.
" I am John Sev " — well, you know
who I am, don't you? — "And I hope
you 're not believing this silly story
about my being killed, becau . . ."
" Oh, Johnny ! " she began.
Yes, it 's good to be back from the
dead.
His Badge of Office.
Jones. " How did you know that
Eobinson was a staff officer? "
Brown. " Why, because he wears
red tape round his hat."
A Natural Supposition.
Little girl, aged 4£, to her mother :-
" Mummy, are wasps German bees ? "
"A farmer in the Wetherby district, 73 years
of age, has this year cut the whole of his corn
himself with a scythe."
Yorkshire Evening Post.
While congratulating this veteran on
his remarkable skill, we think it would
have been safer to employ a chiropodist.
" What amount of retrospective whitewash
does Germany hope to extract from exhuming
the discussions . . . before the War ?"
Daily Dispatch.
Well, it would seem to depend upon the
number of her whited sepulchres.
"The military program has already been
framed, and half a million of dollars
(£100,000,000) will be asked for."
We were aware that the American rate
of exchange had been moving against
us, but did not realise that it was quite
so bad.
The Pity of It.
When memory of Prussian foulness
fails,
One thing will keep its fame
Of cruelty and shame —
The strike in Wales.
SEPTEMBEB 8. 1915.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. '
THE TEST OF A GENTLEMAN.
Longshoreman (after protracted conversation). "Be YOU ONE o' THEY GERMANS, ZCB?'
Visitor. "Gooo OBACIOUS, NO. WHY?"
Longshoreman. "WELL, YOU 'ASN'T ASKED I IP I won THIBSTY!"
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)
THERE ought to be an Ideas Exchange for novelists.
Ideas for stories are always calling at the wrong address.
Probably at this very moment Mr. W. W. JACOBS has just
thought of a splendid plot for a mediaeval romance which
would make Mr. MAURICE HEWLETT scream with joy, while
round the corner Mr. HEWLETT is wishing that he were
able to do something with the magnificent idea for a
Night Watchman yarn that has come to him. If only
there had been some Exchange of this kind in existence,
Miss ELLEN ADA SMITH would have been able to let
Mr. W. B. MAXWELL have the theme of The Despot
(JOHN LONG). He is the only writer I know who could
have made out of Paul Manderson, the philanthropic but
unscrupulous mad doctor, the big living character which
he ought to be. Miss SMITH has done her best with him,
but has failed for lack of ammunition. Her gentle, rather
rambling style is unequal to Manderson. She is at home
with her less formidable characters, especially when they
happen to be women, but she has not the power and vision
necessary for the delineation of a man whose sole aim in
life is to benefit humanity in the mass, and who in pursuance
of this ambition ruthlessly sacrifices the lives and happiness
of individuals. The Despot falls between two stools. It
has not enough movement for a novel pf action, and not
enough detail for a novel of character. The author's attitude
towards Miiiidfrson is a question. Was lie a supreme
genius or merely a charlatan with hypnotic powers? If
you are interested in Manderson at all, that is -the one
thing you want to know about him ; and, when you apply
to Miss SMITH for authoritative information, she shrugs
her shoulders and says, " I wonder! "
To get an idea of the style of Mr. F. HORACE ROSE'S
latest book, Golden Glory (HODDER AND STOUOHTOX), I
suggest that you should imagine Mr. 3. C. SSAITH in the
frame of mind which produced Fortune sallying forth to
follow in the footsteps of Sir RIDER HAOOARD in his
Darkest African humour. Such a combination sounds, I
admit, almost too good to be true, and in simple honesty
I hasten to add that both these famous warriors might
fairly feel a little aggrieved at the comparison, for, though
there is twist and thrust enougli to remind one of Mr.
SNAITH and battle-shock that might well have been planned
by Sir RIDER, on neither flank is there quite the full
authentic fire; yet, due allowance made, it is fair enough.
Certainly for such a campaign one can hardly imagine a
more conveniently arranged country than Bechuanaland of
a hundred years ago would seem to have been ; for in the
wanderings of Xapo the Dirarf, seeker of a vaguely spiritual
glory, and his two stalwart friends, the only important
credentials were a hand ready and a skull thick enough to
meet those occasions of " liveliness " in which they were
every day involved. May I confess that at times I found
these warlike details more than a little involved myself and
had need of a stout enough head to come through safely ?
But that perhaps was natural, since no white man is
allowed to intrude on these pages, a stray keg of gun-
powder being the only exponent of a civilisation against
which Mr. ROSE is rather too fond of letting fly sundry
little arrows of criticism. Such an attitude seems to me
not only rather irritating but a bit ungrateful too, seeing
220 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [SEPTEMBER 8, 1915.
that his book owes a good deal to that climax of many idea. If the title was meant for apology it is certainly
fascinating wizardries, the production of a real live thunder- 1 undemanded, for the story or stories it covers are excellent
bolt ; and without a properly civilised fire-barrel not even | of their kind. I say stories because almost every chapter
Keslnran, the boaster, could have done that. But this is ! is, so to speak, self-contained and semi-detached; indeed, if
not a very serious weakness, and on the whole the story
is certainly one to put on your list.
Mr. J. D. BERESFORD, having long delighted us with his
famous realistic trilogy, has in his latest mood gone off at a
tangent into the frankest conventionalism. It is indeed
possible that he has a little overdone it. I didn't find my-
self quite able to believe in his Arthur Grey, who (scion of
a noble English house, son of a remittance-man father and
they have not made a previous appearance in magazine
form, they might quite easily have done so. The subject
of them is the adventures of a little group of Lithuanian
Jews, newly settled in the United States. Throughout, the
atmosphere is what might be called Potashy ; fortunately
perhaps a recent theatrical success has endeared this kind
of thing to the public heart. Chief among the characters
is one Lapidowtti, a Schnorrer. Perhaps you know already
what a Schnorrer is ? The author here defines it as one
an honest Canadian mother,) determines, owing to stout j who lives by his wits, or (one might add) the lack of them
highbrow notions, never to claim his inheritance, yet comes j in others. This Lapidowitz is a great man. One of the
over and contrives to be invited as a guest to his ancestral ' tales tells of the little list he keeps of touchable friends,
home, falls inevitably in love with his cousin, Lady Tempe \ and the method by which Fate and the widow Lubin
(quite a nice girl), and ends by taking both her and the frustrated his plans of extracting ten dollars from the chief
family title and estates, in order to save complications — j of them. Lapidowitz indeed seems seldom to have been
happy in his dealings
with the sex, from Miss
Fraser, the Christian
school-teacher whom he
employed little Moisshc
to woo vicariously with
apples, to Mrs. Zabriskie
with whom he had ar-
ranged a two-months'
engagement on a strictly
cash basis. All these
and the other stories in
the book are, I think,
sufficiently fresh and en-
tertaining to warrant me
in recommending them
to your notice. I should
add that they have been
most characteristically
illustrated by M. LEONE
BRACEEB, whose pictures
have secured the spirit
of the Ghetto with un-
usual skill.
which Mr. BEBESFORD,
rather perversely, as it
seems to me, has himself
invented. By the way,
he will find, 1 think, if
he looks up his peerage,
that he has deprived the
Marquis of Cheshire's son
of his courtesy title ; and
that is a very terrible
mistake to make in the
eyes of the higher pat-
rons of the circulating
libraries, though I my-
self might be disposed to
agree with him that it
didn't much matter. It
is quite likely that The
Mountains of the Moon
(CASSELL) will find new
readers for Mr. BERES-
FORD on the strength of
a deservedly high reputa-
tion acquired in another
and more excellent way.
But what I should like
to ask the publishers is, where in the world they discovered
the peculiarly beastly pimpled blue cloth which I thought
all modern self-respecting bookmakers had decided for ever
to avoid ? It should be a strafeable offence to revive its use.
Helpful Passer-by. " EXCUSE ME, SIR, BUT I THINK YOU HAVE CAUGHT
A FISH."
The Novice. "YES, YES, I KNOW; BUT I'M LOOKING THROUGH THE
BOOK TO SEE WHETHER I TAKE THE HOOK OUT OF THE FISH OR THE
FISH OFF THE HOOK.".
Green Eyes (HODDER AND STOUGHTON), by Miss EGERTON
JONES, introduces us to yet another Euritania. But I think
that Asgaarde (the name given by Miss EGERTON JONES j*>
the little Kingdom of her fancy) was created only because
she wanted a real blood-royal hero. The main scenes of
her book are laid in Australia, where the heir to the throne
of Asgaarde was travelling incognito and fell in love with
the lady of the verdant optic. Asgaarde in the end becomes
" practically a Montenegrin province," but I am glad to say
— for it would be tactless to cast reflections upon one of our
Allies — that she does not leave me scandalised by the way
in which it was annexed. This is apparently a first novel,
and it is perhaps a little too sentimental and too gushing.
But it is written with the enthusiasm and verve of youth,
and the presence of those qualities in its pages makes me
readier to commend than to condemn.
Why Mr, BRUNO LESSIXG should have called his book
With the Best Intention (HURST AND BLACKETT) I have no
A publisher's notice
of Mr. HALL CAINE'S new War-book informs us that it is
" a series of flash-lights on the human side of the vast
struggle " which " should act as a
nation." It sounds rather like a
cornet obbligato.
clarion-call to the
cinema-show with
Commercial Candour.
From a confectioner's price list : —
" 's CHEWING Goi.
Used by all athletes and those undertaking feats of endurance, such
as marching, etc. It banishes thirst and creates a healthy saliva to
promote indigestion."
" Tea was served on the lawn at Lansdown, the ' waitresses ' being
approximately garbed with ' Union Jack ' aprons." — St. Ires Times.
If the description is approximately correct a lot of trade
must have followed the flag on this occasion.
MR. PUNCH TO HIS FRIENDS.
Mr. Punch is reproducing his Cartoon, "The Two Ideals,"
with his lines, " The Wayside Calvary," printed below.
The issue will be en rough paper, and the price 2s. 6d.
Application should be made to the SECRETARY, "Punch"
Oflices, 10, Bouverie Street, Whitefriars, E.G.
"IU 15'
PUNCH. OR THE LONDOV CIIAIMVAKI.
CHARIVARIA.
THI-: veil has at last been lifted ii
favour of a correspondent of tin
American J'ress, and we in England
are permitted to share wiih Germain
a knowledge of the activities of oui
Grand Fleet. Among other secrets
now revealed we learn the poignant
fact that "the necessity for attending
to damage received in battle had al\\a\s
heen foreseen by the British Naval
authorities." ... ...
Tlie following dialogue is reported
from the United States:—
at lirmstorff. I assure you on
my word of honour as a German gentle-
man that the Imperial Government
has throughout been actuated by the
highest principles of humanity.
cle Sam. 0 shucks! Tell that to
the submarines. v ...
We always look to the British Ass.
to provide sensations for September,
and, though this September is in no
of such stiniufi, here they are.
The President of the Zoological section
describes the earliest forms of life on
this planet as " specks, or globules, of
a substance similar in its reactions to
chromatics." From these — in time —
sprang all our great men.
* *
Coming over with the CONQUEROR is
no longer a boast of any value. The
thing now is to have come in with the
globules, or specks.
Major MOKAHT evidently fails to
understand football in the English
st\Ie. Otherwise his words in The
mi'* of September 4 would not read:
" Franco may resolve to send her goal-
birds into the front line."
From Brigade Orders by the O.C.
2/lst South Midland Mounted Brigade:
The Warwickshire Yeomanry will
parade at 9 A.M., facing the Lake, and
will bring their Battles on parade with
them." Can you wonder that our
yeomen complain of being treated as
infant r\ '.' ... ...
An extravagant London bachelor,
Middenly taken by the great idea of
retrenchment, is putting a notice in the
papers to the effect that after a certain
iate he will no longer be responsible
"or his own debts.
It may interest the Editor of Tlie
\\ I'x/iiinixli-r < iazette, who is running an
exciting correspondence on " Keligion
ami the War," to know that the small
Bahamas contingent of thirty for the
British Army was sent to Jamaica in a
Visitor. "I SEE YOU HAVE A FACTOBV BUILT HEBE?"
Satire. "No, INDEED, ZUB, BUT us 'AD A ZEPPELIN HERE LAST WEEK, AJ«D THAT'S
OSLY OLD MBS. BBOWN'8 WELL, BLOWN INSIDE OCT."
yacht lent by his Lordship the Bishop
of Nassau, bearing the name The
Message of Peace.
According to a contemporary, a
wireless message sent to the German
Embassy, Cedarhurst, New York, by
wireless, was circulated by the Wireless
Press." Beading carefully between the
.ines we have come to the conclusion
,hat no actual wire was employed.
•:• *
*
A shell bursting in a trench in
France struck a box of gramophone
needles, seventeen of which were after-
wards extracted from a soldier's back.
Chat is "getting the needle" with a
vengeance.
At a Socialist and Labour demon-
.tration Mr. JOHN HODGE, M.P., stated
that Mr. BAMSAY MACDONALD, M.P.,
iad fallen from the high estate in
which he had held him. Mr. HODGE
is a strong man. We ourselves could
not have held Mr. M.\cDoNALD half so
high. ^,
The conduct of Dr. DCMHA in pro-
moting strikes in American munition
factories was reported to have rendered
him persona non ijmtii. Subsequently
we were informed that he hud yivrn
a " satisfactory explanation " and that
the " incident was closed." This state-
ment now turns out to be incorrect,
but meanwhile it gave a prophetic
significance to The Ercnimj StOMarft
I reference to him as " a person ' anon
i grata."1 <, *
*
Many Boschos have failed to find in
jEussia a home from home. This is
explained by the fact that there is a
marked difference between the Father-
land and the Steppe-farther-land.
VOL. CXL1X.
222
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [SEPTEMBER 15, 1915.
TO A ZEPPELIN.
[In the measure of SHELLEY'S To a S1tylarl:.~]
HAIL to thoe, high-flier,
Who with generous heart
Pourest out thy fire
Over earth's dim chart
In sundry spasms of well-premeditated art !
Like a monstrous bird
Overseas tliou comest ;
Melodies unheard
Through the heavens thou hummest,
And bombing still dost soar, and soaring ever bombest.
O'er thy bloated carcass
Plays the silver beam,
Where, in azure dark, as
In a nightmare dream,
Thy crew are swung and wish themselves elsewhere, I deem
Forth from many a tile (hark ! )
Boom the happy guns,
Having quite a sky-lark
Blazing at the Huns,
With now a decent shot, and now some rotten ones.
Didst thou look for panic,
Counting on a scare
Caused by that Titanic
Sausage up in air?
Then let me tell thee, London hasn't turned a hair.
Calm she gazed with such eyes
On the scene as though
Watching cocoanut-shies
Or a comet-show
Or pyrotecbnics done by Messrs. BBOCK and Co.
Saw the last red light out,
And, with jaunty tread,
After half a night out
Struck for home and bed
And on the usual pillow laid the usual head.
With the morrow's dawning
Rose and, all serene,
Turned — a little yawning — •
To the .day's routine,
And went about her work as if thou hadst not been.
• O. S.
FURTHER CONCESSIONS.
(To be outlined in the next German note.)
IN future it is understood that the Imperial Governrnenl
will (wherever this is possible and not highly inconvenieni
to the operations of German war vessels) allow an interva
oi twenty minutes for the repentance and self-preparation
of American citizens before the destruction by torpedo or
otherwise of any first-class liner.
This concession must be understood to be only available
when and where the following conditions are rigorously
observed : —
(1) On first sighting a hostile submarine the passengei
steamer must at once communicate by wireless the names
and addresses of all Americans and Englishmen passengers
These persons must be collected into two separate open
boats, and the boats labelled "Wilson" and "Grey" re-
spectively. Also the exact amount of munitions of war
concealed as personal luggage must be notified.
(2) On being missed by a shell or torpedo discharged by
German submarine, any liner must instantly signal to the
submarine concerned, " I apologise. Please try again — a
ittle more to the right (or left, as the case may be)."
(3) On finding his vessel within attacking distance of
any German submarine, but unobserved by the latter, the
commanding officer of any liner shall instantly signal her
name and exact latitude, with the words, " Here we are.
Please send torpedo ; or shall we blow ourselves u/> .' "
(4) On receiving no answer any such commanding officer
shall instantly order all English passengers into open boats,
which shall convey them within range of the aforesaid sub-
marine. In case it cannot be found, such boats must be
eft on the high seas, labelled "Englishman — To be left till
sailed for."
(5) Any such liner or passenger steamer as aforesaid,
,vhen torpedoed and sinking, shall order all remaining
passengers on deck, and go down with band playing Die
Wacht am llhein.
(6) Any liner or passenger steamer as above practisiufj
vasiro tactics, such as —
(a) Continuing its voyage without communication or
apology as above ;
(b) Dodging, or attempting to dodge or evade, any Ger-
man torpedo discharged with intent to destroy it,
ihall be considered a legitimate object for destruction.
(7) Any English or other belligerents detected in the
action of looking for, scanning or observing any German
submarine occupied in the execution of its duty shall be
shot as spies.
THE DREAM OF PRIVATE ATKINS.
8 A.M. — Inspected Officers' equipment. Officers did not
come to attention at once on my appearance, so gave
•whole lot two hours' pack drill. Put two men back to
clean their binoculars.
Orderly Eoom, 9 A.M. — Adjutant before me for omitting
to salute Lance-Corporal Smith. Awarded fourteen
hours' fatigue.
9.30 A.M. — Took Platoon-Commanders in squad drill.
Hopelessly stupid lot. Their formation of fours
ludicrous. No notion whatever of difference between
their right and left. Put entire squad back for further
instruction in recruit drill.
11 A.M. — Parade of Company Commanders. Gave them
"For inspection — Port Canes." Several canes not
sufficiently polished ; my own Company Commander's
particularly rusty in the nob. Gave him three days'
C.B. That should teach him.
Continued trouble with Colonel. Spoke to him
several times about his manner towards me. Any-
body would think sometimes, from Colonel's attitude,
that he was at least my equal in rank. His tunic
buttons, too, a disgrace to the battalion. Tell him
that I really cannot tolerate these slovenly practices.
His plea that he has not sufficient time for cleaning
tunic, etc., I reject forthwith. Tell him to rise earlier ;
every Colonel should be up by 5.30. Stop all his leave
for a month.
12 NOON. — Gross impertinence on part of Brigadier. Have
had to tell him off several times on account of his
habit of making cynical remarks on the subject of my
alleged ignorance of the drill-book. Think I have
taught him lesson, however, and that he will be more
careful in the future.
1.30 P.M. — Attended Officers' Mess to hear complaints.
Told them that their Irish stew was as good as any
Private could want. What did they expect ? A chef
from an A. B. C. shop?
THE UNSINKABLE TIEP.
GEBMAN CHANCELLOR. " WELL, THANK HEAVEN THAT'S THE LAST OF TIRPITZ."
TIBPITZ (reappearing). "I DON'T THINK!"
SEPTEMBER 15. 1915.] PUNCH, 01! TUB LONDON CHARIVARI.
. ,
:" HUM !]M'lJl|J/i.)/»
Private Brown (out of the picture). " WHO POT THE BCTTEK on THIS BEEAD?'
Sister Mary (sternly). "I DID, BROWN."
Private Brown. "0 — HO! WHO TOOK IT OFF, THEN?"
BURNING THE BRASSARD.
["The brassards supplied to the Central
Association of Volunteer Training Corps .
are the property of the State, and cannot
therefore be allowed to pass into the private
ownership of individual members. The Coun-
cil trust that adequate steps are taken to ensure
that the brassards are recovered from those
individuals who, on leaving the corps, are no
longer entitled to retain them. Used brassards,
bciiif; marked with the name of the member
to whom they were issued, will, after return,
be burnt in the presence of a responsible indi-
vidual, who should retain a record of those so
destroyed. In the event of an ex-member
declining to return the brassard after reasonable
application , the assistance of the civil authority
can lio invoked." — War Office Announcement.}
SCENE. — The Tower of London, inside
the Traitors' Gate.
DRAMATIS PERSOXJS. — A Responsible
Magnifico, a Prisoner (formerly Mem-
ber of a Train-band), the Governor's
Cat, Two Tower Ravens, Scriveners,
Garter King-of-Arms, a Pursuivant,
Warders, Beef-eaters, The Headsman
and liis Minions, a Turnkey, Bur-
gesses, Apprentices and the like.
TniE.—Any old Period.
Pursuivant (to the assembled gather-
ing). Oyez! Oyez ! Oyez! Be it known
to all and sundry that a certain indi-
vidual, to wit, James Scrunt, haber-
dasher, having renounced all privileges
and sac and soc as member of the train-
band known as the Gorgeous Wrecks,
hath contumaciously refused to render
up his badge or armlet against the
peace of Our Lord the King. Where-
fore I proclaim this Moot to be open,
to show cause why due sentence should
not be pronounced. Let the Prisoner
be produced.
[Execrations from the Beef-eaters, tlte
Ravens and the Cat.
The Prisoner is led in by Warders
from a barge, the moat having been
flooded for the occasion. He is
heavily manacled and his eyes are
bandaged with scarlet tape, but he
wears his brassard defiantly.
Magnifico. Prisoner, you are accused
of having contumaciously refused to
render up your armlet, being no longer
a member of the train-band to which
you belonged. Have you aught to say \
in your defence ?
[Prisoner is silent. His eyes are nn-
bandaged.
Magnifico. Ha, Sirrah ! So you are
mute of malice. You were best given ,
over to the peine forte et dure, were it
not that another fate is in store for you !
(To the Warders) Do your duty there.
[They tear off his brassard and hand it
to tJie Headsman, who receives it
with a pair of tongs.
A Burgess. Methinks, your Honour,
!it were best to reserve this ceremony
j to the Fifth of November.
'I'll is may be an anachronism, but it
vehemrtitly applauded by the Ap-
prentices, anyway.
Magnifico. Nay, the case is urgent.
Proceed with your office. Let the
Scriveners take due note of the event.
[They scriven profusely.
Headsman (to his minions). Get ready,
varlets, and prepare the faggots and
stake.
[The Varlets do so. Business with flint
and steel.
Prisoner. Is this free England, and
must I be burnt alive ? I swear, your
Mightiness, I only kept the armlet to
hide a rent in my sleeve. My haber-
dashery is at an end, but I have grand-
sons in Flanders now fighting for their
liege.
Magnifico. Beshrew me, but you can
find words now, you surly knave. Nay,
I only meant to terrify you ! You shall
indeed escape with your life ; but, as a
warning to all other dastards, your
armlet shall be burnt to ashes !
[The solemn rite is carried out. Prisoner
collapses under the strain or from
excess of joy, but is presently revived
by the Turnkey. Garter then pro-
claims the ceremony ended.
ZIGZAG.
226
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [SEPTKMBEB 15, 1915.
A TERRITORIAL IN INDIA.
" India — er — um — India, well, India is
a hell of a place and I shall bo
x. | thundering glad to get out of it."
MY DEAR MR. PUNCH, — If the KAISER He was deservedly cheered to the
still nursed any mistaken ideas that we echo.
English are at all down-hearted about I I fear, Mr. Punch, that our health is
the War, he should have paid a visit to ! causing the authorities grave misgiv-
f it • ~n • i n T • T__ _l ' _ _
our Fort on the anniversary of the
Declaration of War. He would soon
have seen enough to convince him that
ings. Ever since we landed in India we
have heen constantly told that the Fort
which we are now garrisoning is the
the British Empire has still plenty of worst, unhealthiest and most dangerous
kick left in it.
We played a comic foot-
hall match with twenty-
two a side, the players
being lashed together in
pairs as in a three-legged
race.
It was a good match,
though hampered by the
eccentric behaviour of the
referee, one half of whom
persisted in signalling such !
commands as "Retire" and|
" Close on the centre " every j
time he heard the whistle j
blown by the other half —
commands which a year's !
military discipline caused |
the men to obey mechani- j
cally. This brought about j
confused conditions unpro-
vided for in the Eules of
Football. Later, when the
decision of the referee was
required in a little matter of
handling in the penalty
area, he was discovered
sitting at the other end of
the ground peacefully play-
ing cards with himself . The
cards were confiscated, but
shortly afterwards he rubbed
down one of the goal-posts
and was ejected from the
field of play shouting, " Gott t
strafe Prickly Heat ! " with ;
passionate intensity.
In the evening we held
singing and speech-making
competitions, and — our
greatest effort — a beauty
show. The prize for beauty
was voted by acclamation to a resource-
ful Private made up as an English flap-
per. His skirt, it must be admitted,
was improvised from an Army sheet
and his luxuriant locks from coir pur-
loined from an army bed (so-called).
But anything remotely resembling an
English girl now knocks us clean off
our balance, and there was never any
question of his success.
The stump speeches were not models
of eloquence, thus proving once more
Old Dame. " YOU'VE HAD TWO PENN'ORTH OP SWEETS, MY LITTLE
MAN, BUT YOU'VE ONLY GIVEN ME A PENNY."
Tiie Little Man. " YES, BUT FAKVER SAYS ONE PENNY'S GOT TO
DO THE -WOKK OP TWO IN WAR-TIME."
are men of action, not
prize-winner was given
that soldiers
words. The
the subject "India" on which to deliver
an address. " India," lie said nervously,
hot - weather station in the country.
Regulars always allude to it pleasantly
as "the death-trap," or "the white
man's grave," or " that ruddy ceme-
tery;" and those who know both places
assure us that Aden is a holiday centre
by comparison. In fact, so gloomy
was the outlook when we received
orders to provide the garrison for the
hot season that our poet was inspired
to produce the following: —
Ten Territorials fancied India fine.
Till one caught malaria, and then there were
nine.
Nine Territorials mourned his hapless fate ;
One found a cobra, and then there were eight.
Eight Territorials hoped he'd rest in heaven;
One took his topee off, and then there were
seven .
Seven Territorials brooded on their fix ;
One picked up dysentery, and then there were
six.
Six Territorials strove to keep alive ;
One died from cholera, and then there were five.
Five Territorials quaked more and more ;
One ate a little fruit, and then there were four.
Four Territorials thought they 'd better flee ;
( )nc' met a mad dog, and then there were three.
Three Territorials felt extremely
bine ;
One drank some water, and then
there were two.
Two Territorials wilted in the
sun ;
One had a heat-stroke, and then
there was one.
One Territorial felt his day was
done,
He committed suicide, and then
there was none.
Tet, strangely enough,
we remain as a body fit anil
healthy, and in defiance of
all precedent persist in
flourishing as if our station
were a veritable health-
resort. Obviously such a
state of affairs is highly
irregular, and a month or
two ago the authorities
took the drastic step of
appointing a new Medical
Officer. As it happened it
proved quite ineffectual, for
this gentlemen, becoming
infected with the prevalent
spirit of heresy, entered
into beneficent league with
our O.C. Detachment and
set about taking energetic
measures which have ;-
us still fitter and healthier,
to the shattering of
statistics.
It is a curious situation.
I picture them up at Simla
perplexed and shrugging
their shoulders. " Ah, well,
these Territorial fellows are
really not normal. One
doesn't know what to do
with them." And then they laboriously
compile fresh tables and sigh for the
good old days.
All the
seems an
same, our
inadequate
glowing health
solace for the
, and my final
daily dose of quinine,
word must be " Ugh ! "
Yours ever,
ONE OF THE PUNCH BRIGADE.
P.S.— " Ugh ! "
" The only insects which are fewer in num-
bers almost everywhere are house-flies, doubt-
less owing to the campaign against them
initiated by The Dailij Mail."— Daily Mail.
Nothing is too small for it.
SEPTKMBBB 15. 1915.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CH\IM\ MM.
:
THE CURSE OF WAR.
Seaside Lodger. "I'M AFRAID, MBS. GUBBINS, WE SHALL HAVE TO LBAVB THBSE BOOMS. ^Ii't REALLY TOO TRYIHO TO HAVE to
LISTEN TO SOLDIKBS SHOUTING ' EYES FRONT ! ' ' ALL FOURS I ' AND SILLY THINGS LIKE THAT.
MORE FISHING IN FLANDERS.
IT is all over now and the Corps
Commander has issued an order for-
bidding the practice. So of course it
never can happen again. There can
be no harm therefore in telling the
story. The entente cordiale is not
likely to be permanently damaged by
the revelation.
It happened in Flanders a few weeks
ago ; not that part of Flanders where
Sergeant McCallum in his spare mo-
ments casts the fly over running waters,
as described in Punch, but the part
where standing water is everywhere
and the troops are forbidden to drink
it under pain of instant death. The
neighbourhood has a habit of fishing
and even in these bad days a few
stout-hearted old boys are not to be
interrupted in their favourite pastime.
I do not think that they ever catch
much, but they do a lot of fishing.
It was the hour when the homing
aeroplane comes droning overhead and
the big guns on either side are bidding
each other " Good night." The sun
had sot, but the red glow was still in
the sky. It was a windless calm and
the still waters of the canal reflected
the long lines of the over-arching
poplars. At the bend just below the
lock by St.-\Vhat-d' you-call-him was
an old Flamand, a regular vieux picheur
clad in blue smock, with rod on shoulder
and his bait-can in his hand. He had
been spending a peaceful day within
range of the German guns and had
caught nothing. On his way borne he
had stopped to talk to two brothers of
the craft. These, Heaven bless them,
were no other than two subalterns of a
famous Indian regiment. They carried
no rods, but between them was a large
basket filled with fish of all the un-
appetising varieties which haunt these
muddy waters.
As I drew near I heard an honest
British voice speaking in laboured
French. "Monsieur," it said, "nous
les prenons dans les mains."
The old peasant was pu/zled. Mes-
sieurs les Anglais were wonderful
people and admitted adepts at sports
of all kinds, but that they should
catch fish in their hands by the basket
ful, without so much as wetting their
sleeves, seemed a bit too much. At
that moment a stalwart Sikh orderly,
who was standing a little apart from
the others, peering down among the
reeds which fringe the margin of the
canal, cried out, " Ek aur mila, Sahib "
(Here's another, Sir), and, stooping
down, picked up a large roach which
riu'gled feebly in his hand.
" Man Dieu, let Hindoia I " said tho
Frenchman, and, crossing himself de-
voutly, departed through the twilight.
I swear I never gave it away, and
yet four days later the order appeared:
" Bombs are issued for use against the
enemy, and their employment for the
destruction of fish is prohibited."
"LATE WAR NEWS.
E 13 REFLOATED.
HOIX BlDDLKD BT GERUAS SHELL*."
My MA
See Berlin official wireless in a da]
or two: "Even the English paper
admit that one of the most importan
of their fortified East coast cities h
been severely damaged by the accurate
firing of our gallant sailors."
228
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [SEPTEMBEB 15. 1915.
KIPPY OF THE "BLUES."
LAST Tuesday evening Joe persuaded
me to cut my bomb-drill of the morrow
— in my platoon we throw the jam-pot
on Wednesday afternoon.
"You simply must corns to the
Madoxos," she tempted ; " the ' Blues '
from Broadmead Hospital are going to
be there — seventeen of them."
Of course I went. I simply love the
wounded in their blue suits.
:;: * * •'••• *
" 'Ev yer got a partner, Sir? "
On the very threshold of the garden
stood a small figure, with one arm in a
sling and the other waving a tennis
racquet.
He smiled at me like a pleased child.
From that moment I belonged to him,
and to him alone. His name was
Kippy.
" No," I replied, " I have not. What
is it?"
" Well, Sir, me and one of the other
incapables was agoin' to take on
Swish and Gunner Toady, but they
all seems to be crowkettin' and what
not, so I thort ? " He looksd at
me inquiringly.
"Eigbt-o ! " I exclaimed. " Where 's
a racquet ? "
Kippy produced one from the sum-
mer-house. It was half-brother to a
snow-shoe, but, having four uninjured
limbs, I willingly conceded the handicap.
"You got ter look out for Swish,"
my partner confided ; " 'e 's extrordinry
nippy for 'igh explosive in the knee."
I started to serve, a graceful honour,
and put a couple into the net. I re-
peated the offence from the other
court.
" I forgot to tell yer, Sir," my partner
whispered hoarsely, " but I got a packet
o" fags on over this."
I pulled myself together and, though
hard put to it by the Gunner's lobs, we
eventually won.
" E 's bin with one o' them 'eavy
'owitzer batteries," remarked Kippy
a propos of the Gunner's play ; "plung-
in' fire, that's 'is game."
He glanced round the lawn with a
bright eye.
" 'Ow about a little crowket, Sir?"
he queried.
" Of course," I replied ; " come on."
I gathered up a mallet and tried a
short approach.
"Now," exclaimed Kippy, addressing
the opposing platoon, " you knows the
rules ? First through the 'oop 'its the
stick, and ennybody play in' out of
the "erbashus border will be court-
tnartiillsd."
We won the croquet hands down,
Kippy being made of the stuff which
is born to achieve success against any
odds, including a partner who plays
with the wrong ball.
We drifted over to watch the con-
clusion of the clock-golf competition-
four prizes for the four lowest scores.
Kippy, who had played his round
before I came, stood in an unassailable
position for the prize with a score of
27. The two last players finished well
in the thirties.
"'Opeleis, ain't they?" Kippy whis-
pered confidentially, " an' they both
got the D.C.M. too ! "
Suddenly he had an idea.
" Wot about these 'ere totally inca-
pables ? " He indicated those warriors
who were too badly wounded to take
part in anything. " 'Ow about their
prizes ? . . . Tell yer wot," he con-
tinued, no suggestion being offered,
" there 's six totallies, ain't there ?
Well, six of us repersents 'em and plays
agen — see? I'll take Soggy Mills."
The resuscitated competition was
watched with burning interest, espe-
ially by the totallies. Whether the
previous practice had anything to do
with it or not I cannot say, but when
Kippy, playing last, put Soggy Mills
on the top with a miraculous 24, and
turned to read the scoring list, he pre-
faced the results by exclaiming joyfully,
" Blest if the cripples ain't gone and
won hall the prizes ! "
Having settled this matter to his
own and everybody else's satisfaction,
Kippy went on to further struggles.
Our sports platoon only averaged
two and a-half available limbs, but for
sheer endurance — well, it was the first
occasion on which I realised why the
Prussian Guard failed to reach Calais.
At length came the tense moment of
departure ; blue jacksts were donned
and farewell cigarettes were lighted,
and I, all that remained of me, went
happily home.
" What 's this ? " said Joe as she
picked up a piece of metal from the
coffee-table after dinner.
" That," I replied, " is a fragment oi
shell, taken, so Kippy assured me
direct from his ' stummick.' Kindly
leave it alone. It is a love-token."
THE ICONOCLAST.
I 'M an optimist staunch and whole-
hearted—
At least I was one till to-day,
When my confidence largely departed
In the following singular way ;
?or it chanced that a fatal delusion
I cannot attempt to explain
'mpelled me to scan the effusion
Of Mister - — .
Our statesmen, to follow his reading,
Have always got lumps in their
throats,
And indulge when exhorting or pleading
In strings of falsetto high notes ;
And their conduct at Cabinet meetings
Is wholly absurd and inane,
[f we credit the wonderful bleatings
Of Mister - — .
Bedaubed by his praises each hero
Whose prowess in honour I held
Sinks down from the zenith to zero,
His halo completely dispelled ;
While the men I was always assailing
Some justification obtain
From the quite ineffectual railing
Of Mister - — .
By the law that declares the corrective
Reciprocal force of extremes
The study of TKEITSCHKE'S invective
The best sort of antidote seems;
For only by remedies drastic
Relief can I hope to attain
From the influence iconoclastic
Of Mister .
The Journalistic Touch.
"The millions which have been sp:nt ir
munitions and blown into the air have mcrelj
been. transferrel from one pocket to another.'
Sidcup and District Times.
Commercial Candour.
" £5 5s. — IMPEIUAL TYPEWRITER, new con
dition, cost £.Z."—Tfic Hull DM ij Mail.
Chaplain to the Slackers. — CHAULII
CHAPLIN.
Things that Might be Differently Said.
I.
" Mr. Editor, the Mayor spoke very feelingly
when welcoming us here and sympathised with
us in the hardships we endured while prisoners
in G.S.W.A., but I can assure you all those
hardships can be considered as a pleasure when
comparing them with the magnificent recep
tion that was extended us."
Letter from a released prisoner of War in
" The Cape Times."
II.
" Quite recently our Bishop went over the
Hospital and spoke to the men in each ward.
In spite of this suffering the men seemed to
be in the best of spirits."
Hersham Parish Magazine,
III.
• " Lance-Corpl. T. (2nd Suffolks), who
was captured by the enemy at the battle ol
Mons, is happy in his internment. He has a
wife and six children."
Peterborough Advertiser.
Extract from a circular of a Belgian
Refugees' Committee : —
"A sewing class for the women has been
started at the Corn Exchange, kindly lent by
the Corporation, who make clotbes for them-
selves."
Thus setting an excellent example to
the exiles.
.:MIIKR 15, ini.v ITNrll. oil TIIK LONDON ( II \i;|\ AIM.
THE NOBLE ART OF "CARRYING ON."
Seen*— Somewhere in France.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI^ [SEPTEMBER 15. 1915.
Lady. " WTE ALWAYS KEEP THE HOSE BEADY, IN CASE OP A ZEPPELIN RAID."
Visitor. "Bui SURELY, MY DEAR, IT WOULD NEVER REACH THEM AT THE HEIGHT THEY FLY?"
TO A NEUTEAL FBIEND.
To thee I sing, who knowest well
What news accords with British taste,
And dost delightful stories tell,
Or warnings give with zealous haste;
Who comfortest the optimist
With many a soothing telegram —
To thee I sing, 0 Journalist
Of Amsterdam.
When German hordes are rushing west
To break our unsubstantial line,
The dismal fact thou mentionest
With tact peculiarly thine,
Giving it just the little twist
That makes its menace seem a sham
Quite patent to the Journalist
Of Amsterdam.
No sad reverse of our Allies,
No accident that we sustain,
But, seen through thine impartial eyes,
Becomes a sound and solid gain ;
No bitter pill which foes persist
In giving us but has its jam
Veneer from thee, O Journalist
Of Amsterdam.
Thy lovingkindness then I laud—
Thy flood of treacle naught can
check,
More soothing than the halm of MAUDE
Or sugar-plums of KOUSTAM BEK,
Nor ask if our antagonist
Be cheered as I, twice daily, am
By like inventions, Journalist
Of Amsterdam.
THE FIDDLEE.
How the transformation came about
I can't pretend to explain, for in the
first place he must have felt very nearly
as bedraggled, as pinched and despair-
ing as he looked. You were bound
either to smile or to sigh : he was so
obviously, so grotesquely, "down on his
luck," with the shiny frock-coat (a
size too small) tightly buttoned across
his chest, trousers creasing like a
couple of concertinas about his thin
ankles, and the battered straw hat
worn with an attempt at jauntiness
which deceived nobody.
" Ought to be above this sort of
thing," muttered a well-fed holiday-
maker. " Drink, probably," suggested
another. But occasionally, very occa-
sionally, a coin would chink at his feet.
As he bent to pick it up, wisps of grey
hair tickled his cheeks. Standing in the
drizzling rain on this deserted sea-front,
he rubbed his numbed fingers, and a
dirty-faced boy, mimicking him to the
life, capered on the pavement, an imag-
inary fiddle tucked under his chin.
" Hip, hip, hooray ! " yelled the boy,
and, vaulting the railing, took up his
stand in the gutter as the 3rd Eoyal
— shires — twelve hundred strong —
swung into sight. "Hooray!" cried
the urchin again ; but it fell very Hat,
and the men were fagged out, caps
pushed off their foreheads, tunics un-
hooked at the throat, boots weighing
like lead.
Hesitatingly, the fiddler shuffled
nearer the road, raised his bow, and
then — he came into his own. First
he struck up some familiar rollicking
tune, and the men in the front ranks
were soon humming the refrain. Next
lie danced alongside the column, now
walking, now running, caring neither
that a sudden gust of wind had blown
his hat off his head, nor that a very
junior subaltern marching at the head
of the leading platoon cast him an
amused, not ungrateful glance over
1m shoulder. From top to toe — mind,
I am not attempting to explain it — the
little man was transformed ; his back
had grown straight; even his clothes
seemed to fit him ; his feet Hew over the
ground, and into his dull eyes had come
a foolish twinkling light as, with coat-
tails merrily flapping in the bree/.e, he
played the soldiers back to camp.
THE CALL OF THE TSAR.
WHO FOLLOWS ME FOR HOLY RUSSIA'S SAKE?
Coster. "'ERE Y'ABE, LIDY! OSTKSD RABBITS. KILLED BY THE BRITISH FLEET!"
CULTUEE IN THE TEENCHES.
THE admirable scheme of Broad-
sheets for the Front has already, we
understand, had a marked influencs
upon literary taste among the troops ;
and the old popular songs are either
being discarded or modified in the
direction of greater dignity. Thus,
"Who's your lady friend?" has now
become " May I venture to enquire the
name of your fair acquaintance?" No-
body any longer sings, " Here we are,
here \ve are, here we are again," except
in the new version, as follows : " We
have pleasure in signalising our return
to this neighbourhood."
When they refer to Tipperary it is to
say, "The distance to Tipperary is very
considerable," and allusions to John
Brown's body take the form of " The
mortal remains of the late Mr. John
Brown continue to decompose."
Maternal Acrobatics.
"Thus Kioff, the mother, nurses on
bosom the cradle of Russian history."
Morning Paper,
her
THE OFFICE-GIEL.
(As a result of the War, many of the lead-
ing commercial houses in the City now
employ large numbers of girls.)
No damsels who have seen three lustres
Now flog the furniture with dusters,
Or patch up frocks,
Or condescend to darn their fathers'
socks.
Bellona has unloosed their fetters
And set 'em free to index letters,
And lick and scrawl
In lieu of lads who have obeyed the call.
Lured by no lucrative attraction,
For them the bliss of benefaction
Alone sufficed ;
And so they joined the grizzled and the
spliced.
Poor pasture for the sweet and single.
Where, perched on stools, they toil and
mingle
With mellow scribes,
Who grumble and exchange archaic
gibes.
No slippery swain to chase and capture,
No shadow of the elusive rapture ;
And yet — who knows
Whither to-day the wind of Cythera
blows ?
In realms where hearts don't melt like
butter,
Where ledgers gape and pen-nibs
splutter,
And no birds sing,
There may survive some eligible thing.
Sweet is the love-song of the throstle.
But sweeter still should some old fossil
At last succumb
To Araminta of the inky thumb !
Our Receptive Contemporary.
"When her husband died, Mrs. Moula
married a widower with seventeen children,
all of whom she brought us."— Daily Hail.
The paragraph continues : —
••The old lady now lives with her youngeil
daughter, whose twelve children are all named
After fljwers."
Sweet peas, no doubt, for choice.
234
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [SEPTEMBER 15, 1915.
THE HAIR-TONIC.
I LAID the hair-brush down on my
dressing-table with a sigh and walked
into Joan's room,
began, " I 've tried
" Oh, do get a curly one ! " Joan
called out.
" And remind Mrs. Middleton of
GILBERT CHESTERTON," I sung out.
decoction of sage leaves you made for
me, ' Aunt Nettie's ' recipe in last week's
Snappy Chat, sulphur lotion, quinine
invigorator, and goodness knows what
besides, and it 's as grey as ever. In
desperation I 'm going to
" Forty-five ! " gasped the Sergeant.
" Why, Sir, you 've the looks and bear-
in' of thirty — not a day more. A man
was only an idle threat, for I should ! of forty-five 's usually gettin' a bit grey,
never have the face (though I might I while you, Sir, if I may make so bold
Look here," I j "Good idea! I will." Of course this
that odoriferous
to you, in spite of the fact that I 'm
married, forty-five-
have the requisite type of skull) to
order a wig as a permanent fixture.
* :]: * * *
As I was walking home from the
Club-house that same evening it began
as to say, wouldn't know a grey 'air if
you 'ad one. Now when I was in-
structin' the gents of the Bohemian
Veterans last month — all men o' forty
and upwards, mark you — there wasn't
" Oh, don't fly to cosmetics ! " cried I to drizzle. I turned up the collar of one that could 'ave 'eld a candle to you
an in olarm (I -TllQf". t.Vlink nf flip rrrv ijlY'kph n.nrl •niilltirl m\7 nmi "vvpll in t.tiA mnffoi' /V l/-\/~ilra flt** "
Joan in alarm. "Just think of
pillow - slips. Besides, you 're
forty-five, you know ; and any-
how," she went on, " grey hair
at the temples looks most dis-
tingut. I heard Mrs. Middleton
say only last Sunday that you
reminded her of Sir GEORGE
ALEXANDER. Aren't you bucked ?
You couldn't remind her of him
unless you were a little teeny
bit grey, could you ? "
" Of course I could," I re-
plied. " Now I come to con-
sider it, the actual facial resem-
blance between Sir GEORGE and
myself is most marked. Mrs.
Middleton is a very observant
and intelligent woman. Now,
where do I find the black lead,
the tar, the marking-ink, and the
walnut- juice ? "
" Not in my bedroom, at all
events," said Joan. "Besides
you 'd much better drop these I
chemical experiments. The
strain of constantly watching
to see if your hair is getting as
dark as the man's in the adver-
tisement will eventually make
you go bald, and how will you
like that ? "
" If I am ever destined to
become bald," I answered with
some bitterness, " I don't care a
rap what colour I become bald
on. But grey hair which stays
the | my jacket and pulled my cap
well in the matter o' looks, Sir.
" Look here, Sergeant," I said,
" if you say any more I shall cry
from sheer joie de vi.rre. I too
am a newly joined Bohemian
Veteran, as witness this badge.
Believe me, you 've paid me the
bijjgost compliment I have ever
received." And with youth re-
newed I proceeded on my way.
"Joan," I called out as we
were dressing for dinner, " look-
ing in the glass just now I
became of the opinion that I
am not so grey as I was this
morning."
"Perhaps," Joan called back,
" you don't feel so grey as you
did this morning? "
" No, I certainly don't," I
answered witli enthusiasm.
" Sergeant, long life to you ! "
" Who in the world are you
talking to?" cried Joan.
KEEN WAR ECONOMIST, PROPOSING TO SUBSTITUTE GOLD-
PISH FOB THE MORNING KIPPEB, FEELS THAT HE OUGHT TO
GIVE THEM A SPORTING CHANCE.
The Considerate Foe.
"All the ships which have been in
action had fragments of German
shells which had come on board
mounted as mementoes."
The Scotsman.
in is the hall-mark of advancing age,
and age at forty-five has no business to
advance. It ought to remain firmly
entrenched for anothter ten years at
least — like yours at twenty-eight."
"Then," said Joan, " I should advise
you to try —
She paused, and stepping back from
her mirror she " turned once more (and
yet once more after that) to set a ring-
let right."
"Go on!
I cried. " Don't keep
me on tenterhooks. I 'm getting greyer
every moment."
" I should advise you to try leaving
it alone for a time."
" I shall get a brown wig," I said
firmly, as I went back to my own
room.
down on my head. I hadn't gone a
hundred yards when, as I passed a
recruiting-booth at the side of the road,
I suddenly felt a hand placed upon my
shoulder, and a gruff but genial voice
exclaimed :
" Well, my lad, why aren't you in
khaki ? "
I started in amazement. Nobody
had publicly suggested such a course
to me before. " My lad," too ! Could
it be that I looked a lad ? I turned
and saw a burly, beaming Sergeant
confronting me. Somewhat to his sur-
prise I seized his hand aied shook it
warmly. " Sergeant," I said, " do you
" Mr. M. H. Chandrana, a lending
Hindu bowler, achieved a remarkable
feat taking all the ten wickets in an
innings, and the still more remark-
able one of clean blowing ten men."
Allahabad Leader.
Each retiring batsman : " Well, I 'in
bio wed! "
"PooLE GUARDIANS AND USE OF LIQUOR.
The Poole Board of Guardians received a lottrr
yesterday from the Local Government Board
urging the discontinuance of the use of cube
sugar, because of the scarcity of this com-
modity."— Bournemouth Daily Echo.
The Sub-editor evidently recognises
only one use for cube sugar.
" A largely-attended meeting was held in
St. Jones's Hull to arrange for protests against
continued party strifes."
Sydney Morning Herald.
It would be a good thing if the Cymric
mean it Uternlh/ — all of it, especially j Saint would transfer his peace-making
the ' lad ' part ? Because, if you do, from New South Wales to old South
I 've a good mind to hand myself over ' Wales.
SEPTEMBER 15, 1915.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVA I : I
.
, <J(<?"
^> A^(.. J x V LI " ^
M^T' '"
I.
\
Message, passed bit u-ord of mouth—" ENEMY ADVANCISO FBOM AUEBSHAX"— reache$ the local auctioneer, ic/io arnrfj i/ em in lite
following form: "HANY ADVANCE ON HAMEBSHAM? "
MY HOLIDAY.
\\K got there yesterday afternoon.
We caino back to town hurriedly this
morning. It was not much of a holiday.
For instance, we found that our boat
h:id to have a permit signed by the
" Officer in charge of Coast- watching
Division." " This vessel," it said, "is
allowed to proceed as far as three miles
from — (name of port, creek or river to
which vessel belongs) — during daylight
hours only." The nature of employment
of the vessel was Pleasure, it said. Plea-
sure with a label on it and with a possi-
bility of its being inspected by " any
Officer or other authorised person "
Besides, "if caught out by fog" we had
to "rot urn to shore at once." On the
whole we decided against the boat.
Then again our house was on the
cliffs. The cliffs were patrolled by
guards with fixed bayonets. It was
thought safer to play Patience indoors
after dark. But I went to bed, bored.
Not to sleep, however. There were
regulations about lights. So we had
all the windows thickly curtained,
so thickly indeed that I could hardly
breathe in my room. I took it all
down when 1 blew out my candle for
the night. The night happened to be
• breezy. Now, when you are
stiuing in a quiet spot, a little wind
can make your bedroom behave in a
peculiarly uncanny manner. Knowing
this from experience, 1 made what i
imagined to be ample preparations.
I wedged my door with a sock so as
to prevent its rattling. I tied all the
loose bits of things like curtains and
covers into tight knots so that they
should not flap. I collected all my
papers and put them under the heel of
a heavy boot. Then I went to bed.
I was deadly tired and was almost
asleep in two minutes ; but sure enough
something began to scrape. It would
give a few jarring notes and then cease
for a time. I thought I might sleep
in spite of it because I was tired, and
I encouraged myself by thinking of my
son in France sleeping under bursting
shells. It was no use, however. The
grating noise got more and more on
my nerves. I finally got up and listened
carefully with a view to tracking down
the disturbance. It proved to be a
stray curtain ring. I summarily in-
terned it in the nearest knot and went
to bed again.
I next heard an insistent tapping
sound from the neighbourhood of the
mantelpiece. I got up at once this
time and, approaching cautiously, I
found that it was a piece of cardboard
— a photograph probably — doing a sort
of short-circuit performance against
a vase. I rounded that up with the
papers under my hoot.
A few minutes later I was woke up
again. This time the wind was irritat-
ing what I imagined to he the wire mis-
pending a picture on the wall. I took
down the picture, wrapped it in my
dressing-gown, put a cluiir on it and
got back to bed with a certain sense of
satisfaction. Hut when 1 again heard
the same noise from the identical spot,
knowing as I did that there was now
nothing on the wall except the wall-
paper, I became desperate. I got up,
struck a light and determined to put
my house in order once and for all. I
was getting on well with the general
ilcmrnMfinrnt when I heard footsteps
on the path outside. I suddenly re-
membered that my curtain was tied up
and that my kindly light was probably
leading countless German submarines
on, so I guiltily blew it out. Then,
putting my head out of the window, I
demanded stoutly, " Who goes there?'
Some one answered, " Sorry to trouble
you, Sir, hut there was a light shining
from this house that could be clearly
seen out at sea. I have to inform you
that only one warning is given ; after
that it is imprisonment." It was the
Coast-watching Division.
As I said before, we came back to
town this morning.
236
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [SEPTEMBER 15, 1915.
AT THE
"THE BlO
PLAY.
DRUM."
The Filsons then are disappointed,
but, as every stage hero is too proud
and stupid not to make an enormous
I HAPPENED to see that version of fuss about these secondary matters of
77/1' li'uj Drum of which Sir ARTHUR money and social standing, Philip, the
PINERO was the sole author. Now I white-souled, must needs accept their
understand that lie has complacently ' vulgar point of view and add to the ten
collaborated with the British Public, long years of separation by inserting a
and that the new part-author, with ; clause in his agreement with Ottoline
customary vanity, thinks the play
vastly improved. Yet I suspect Sir
ARTHUR to be the better judge of his
own business ; and if I venture a
private theory of the affair it is because
I prefer to bold the dramatist guilty of
that there shall be no question of mar-
riage till his undoubted success as an
author shall have enabled him to put
up roughly the same amount of cash
and cachet.
Well, you will have guessed that
MticJiirortk's book is a hit.
a much lighter crime than this appar-
ently callous sand-bagging of his own ( usual eighteen hundred or
offspring. j twenty-five thousand solid
Philip Mackworth , the highbrow hero sold.
of The Big Drum, was ten years ago an
obscure journalist, writing pars from
Paris for The Whitehall Gazette. He was
in love with Ottoline Filson,
the beautiful daughter of a
ricli and pushful vulgarian.
Filson pere hadn't made
such a social hit in Paris as
all that, so he planned a
raid on London, and Ottoline 3)
asked Philip just to prepare
the way in one of his bright
little pars, and so make the
job a shade softer. Where-
upon, hating nothing quite so
much as this disgusting pub-
licity, Philip drew himself up
and bowed her irrevocably
out of the room into the
waiting arms of the Comte
de Chaumic, with whom she
lived unhappily some nine
years, until she was very
mercifully widowed.
A year later, at which time
our play begins, a kindly
designing friend asks Ottoline
Not his
so, but
copies are
There is no holding our author.
Windy enough in prospect he is posi-
tively gusty in realisation.
And here Fate dealt him a shrewd
A HOLLOW BOOM.
Ottoline de Chaumii Miss IRENE VANBKUGH.
Philip Mackworth Sir GEORGE ALEXANDER.
and
Philip to lunch, to such effect that
with their usual hasty impulsiveness
they promptly become engaged — a First
Act that promises plenty of true-lovers'
knots. Ottoline is rich ; Philip, now a
novelist, poor; but in his opinion (I
must in candour note that all the
available evidence was the other way)
he is on the eve of an enormous popular
success with his novel, The Big Drum,
a satire on the modern arts of notoriety.
Handle, Filson, by this a knight, and
with his lady beating a more persistent
drum than most, has visions of a second
brilliant match for Ottoline, though why
from that point of view she shouldn't
have done better as the Comtesse de
Chaumie than as the wife of Sir Timothy
Barradell, the Irish bacon baronet,
whom her family is so eager to catch,
is one of those
in the stalls can
to understand.
things that a fellow
never be expected
blow. For, as it happened, Ottoline,
who apparently hadn't any great faith
in The Big Drum, had been to the knave
publisher and bought twenty -three
thousand odd
damp cellar.
and stored them in a
No wonder Phil was
annoyed when all this was explained
just before what promised to be a rip-
ping little dinner. So he drew himself
up a second time and bowed Ottoline
out of his life — only, after a haggard
night, to send her a noble note of en-
treaty and forgiveness. Ottoline crossed
it, coming to say that she loved him
enormously but couldn't possibly tear
him from his art ; also she knew that,
having been born, as you might say,
with a big-drum-stick in her hand, she
would never be able to resist booming
him and so spoiling his life. So she
just gives him one lovely lingering look
and goes off to marry Sir Timothy,
leaving Philip to console himself with
the MS. of T]ie Bicj Drum's successor.
At least that 's what she did in Sir
ARTHUR'S version. And I nattered
myself that I had taken his point with
commendable quickness. Knowing Sir
GEORGE'S generous weakness for the
interpretation of truly noble characters,
he had played off Philip Machnn-tli
with his high disdain of manufactured
boom, his fidelity to his old love's
memory, his (unnecessarily) long and
impassioned speeches and those fine
moments just before the end when he
contrives so rapidly to make himself
believe love to be well lost for the
(entirely delusive) hope of success with
his next novel — as the hero of this odd
slice of life. Whereas in fact, as
Ottoline and I (and Sir ARTHUR) knew,
the authentic hero was Sir Timntlii/,
who understood how to worship with
a proper tenderness and loyalty and
would never draw himself up in dis-
dainful surprise. We also
knew not only that there
never was in Philip s head any
novel worth a fiver in advance
on account of royalties, but
that lie would have made a
perfectly intolerable husband.
I frankly assumed that Sir
ARTHUR had played this quite
appropriate and pleasant joke
on Sir GEORGE for a bet.
Well, he won his bet hand-
somely. The actor-manager
had been fairly taken in ! Yet
has the latter the last and
longest laugh. For I under-
stand that the discerning
collaborateur to whom I have
alluded has restored Ottoline
to the arms of her egregious
Philip and Sir Timothy drops
out of the picture. I can
only say that she will live
to regret it ; as will Philip, for she is
nothing if not a woman of resourceful
candour when roused.
There cannot be much in this revised
version to modify substantially my first-
night's admiration of the players ; of Sir
GEORGE ALEXANDER'S firm hold upon his
ever loyal audience ; Miss IRENE YAN-
BRUGH'S charming and sensitive talent,
her gowns and her pretty sub-Parisian
flavours ; Sir Handle Filson's pompous
purposeful pushfulness as interpreted by
Mr. ALLAN AYNESWORTH in a supremely
good make-up; Mr. NORMAN FORBKS as
Bobbie Boope with his tactfully iterated
" dear excellent friend " and his mirth-
provoking grey felt hat ; and perhaps
most of all Mr. LEONARD BOYNE'S
charmingly sympathetic sketch of the
sporting little Irish grocer - baronet,
Sir Timothy Barradell, with the queer
tenderness and gaiety and pathos of
him. Such excellent artistry no change
of ending can alter. 1'-
&BPTBMBEB 16, 1916.1
AN ECHO OF "THE BIG DRUM.
OFT-TIMES I used to wonder why
The hero of some well-staged story
Was finally compelled to die
Or send the heroine to glory,
When— so at least it seemed to me—
Their night of tears might dawn in
laughter,
And by a pen-stroke both might be
Made happy ever after.
Take WILLIAM SHAKSFEAHE, now.
know
That I for one would be delighted
If at the last young Borneo
To Juliet were reunited;
In super-ecstasies I 'd fall
If, ere the closing scene were ended,
A happy Hamlet after all
Married his young Intended.
But^ah ! what boots it thus to pine
O'er by-gone tales of sad disaster ;
-Rather I greet the welcome sign
Vouchsafed us by a modem master
-Chat " Tragedy " has had her day,
And only apathy arouses,
While optimistic authors play
Nightly to well-filled houses.
And oh ! that others in our age
Who conjure up our coming crash o
The European battle-stage
Might follow this dramatic fashion-
Might find 'twere well for them, in fact
To popular conviction bending,
If they could see the final act
Must have a happy ending.
SAVE HIM FBOM BEINO SHOT. —
Wanted, good town home by ... obe
dient, affectionate, remarkably clever
goes for long walks with dogs . .
early riser ; teetotal." The above
idvertisement is not, as you might
think, for the protection of a nice,
?ood young man from the designs oi
he recruiting authorities or the horrors
of National Service ; it is a plea for the
>reservation of a " beautiful pale golden
CAT" whose "only fault" is that he
' goes for chickens."
A small child, being asked to outline
ier idea of a suitable future for Germany
nd the KAISER, wrote as follows: —
After the War I wouldn't let Heligo-
tnd belong to anybody. I would put
lie Germans there, and they should
dig and dig and dig until it was all
dug into the sea. The Ksisnt should
be sent to America, and they should be
as rude as they liked to him. If ho
went in a train no one was to offer him
a seat ; he was to hang on to a strap,
and he is to be called Mr. Smith."
We learn from The Croydon Guardian
that, although the cast of The Moulin
Rouge Revue, at the local Grand
Theatre, "includes many artists of
Parisian renown," " the venue will be
n English," a language which they
lave been learning at the London
Pavilion. It would seem that this is
not their first notable achievement, for
ve are told that " all the male members
have bean to the font," and are ex-
impt from further service. They have,
a fact, in the vulgar phrase, gone
hrough their baptism of fire.
Balm for Lord Kitchener.
Extract from 2/1 S. Midland Brigade
)rders: —
The Brigadier congratulates all rank* in
>o Brigade on the smart appearance presented
; the Inspection to-day by the Secretary of
tate (or War."
238
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [KKI-TKMHKU 15, 1915.
WOAD.
l'i:unAPS I ought to explain that, on the strength of a
Ureat-aunt who was an American, it sometimes pleases
Francesca to assume the airs and the ambitions and the
graces of a true American. This was one of her American
days, and she had been picturing to herself and to me
certain desirable things that would have attended her hud
it really been her lot to be born on the other side of the
Atlantic.
" Francesca," I said, "when you were a dweller on the
boundless and rolling prairie —
"Yes," she interrupted, "and when you were roaming
through the forests in a complete suit of woad."
" Woad '.' " 1 said. " What is woad '? "
" There 'a no ' is ' about woad," she said. " Woad 's all
in the ' was ' department. It was a blue stain habitually
worn by the Ancient Britons. Dark blue, I hope. There 's
something too neyliyt about light blue. It could hardly
count as clothes, could it ? Anyhow, woad was the Ancient
Briton's all-the-year-round dress. You ordered it at the
grocery stores."
" The grocery ? " I said. " What had the grocer to do
with it ? "
" Every grocer in England," she said, " calls himself an !
oil and colourman. So in the brave old days you dropped
in on Mr. Baker in the High Street, a stout man and there-
fore probably a Druid, wearing long white robes and a
wreath of oak-leaves ; and you told him that last lot of
woad was very poor stuff; your knees and elbows were
beginning to show through already ; and he 'd tell you he 'd
just got in a new consignment warranted not to run in the '
rain; and you'd buy a can of it and carry it home and
paint the whole family, and then we 'd all go out and show
ourselves to the village in our new dresses —
"Yes," I said enthusiastically, "and we should have
little placards hung round our necks to say we were wet
paint and people mustn't rub against us."
" Oh, that wouldn't matter ; they 'd all be in woad too."
" It would matter very much," I said. " You wouldn't
want the neighbours to carry off any of the paint we had
just paid for out of our own pockets."
" Pockets ! " she laughed. " There weren't any pockets.
You just let the account run up and then you handed a
sheep in over the counter and got a receipt from the oil and
colourman. Oh, it was glorious to live in Britain in the
ancient days ! '
"Cheap," I said, "rather than glorious."
•' Cheap," said Francesca, " and therefore glorious. You
could dress yourself and me and three growing girls and
one small boy during a whole year for about half a sheep,
and nobody ever complained that the bills were too high."
"And that," I said, "is just where you're wrong. If
you bad married an Ancient Briton "
" Which is precisely what I have done," murmured
Francesca.
"If," I repeated sternly, "you had married an Ancient
Briton be would often have assured you that his account
at the bank bad been reduced to two sheep, a cow and the
sirloin of an ox, and that if this sort of thing went on he
would be ruined."
" And I," said Francesca, " should have been quite frank
and direct with him. I should have asserted myself as an
American citizen and answered him in that style."
"But," I said, "you couldn't have been an American
citi/en, you know, even supposing you had started like that,
which you haven't. By marrying me you would have
become an Ancient British subject, owing allegiance to
KING CASSIVELLAUNUS "
" Or KING CAHACTACUS," said Francssca.
"Yes," I said, "or possibly to QUEEN BOADICKA ; and it
wouldn't have been a bit of good talking to me like a true
American citizen. Being an Ancient Briton I should
probably have had to beat you, and it would have been
useless for you to appeal to the American Ambassador.
He would have had to tell you you 'd brought it on your-
self. I 've explained this to you a thousand times."
"And I've refused to understand it ten thousand times.
You can't persuade me that if I had been an American
you would have turned me into a Boadicean by merely
marrying me."
" I "m not," I said, " trying to persuade you. I 'm stating
a dreadful fact."
"And I'm defying your fact," she said. "If my great-
aunt, who was a Slingsbee, were alive, you couldn't make her
believe that, just because; she married Mr. .lohn Braha/.nn
of Yorkshire, she wasn't to be proud any longer of the
embattled farmers and the Pilgrim Fathers, and New York
harbour, and the American Constitution and the St.tr*
and Stripes."
" No;" I said, " I daresay I couldn't, but I should tell her
that she must mix envy with her pride, as I do, for as soon
as she married your uncle John all these splendid things
ceased to be hers."
" And that," said Francesca, " was most unjust. All I
can say is I hope Auntie never heard of it. She was very
hot-tempered, I remember, and she ' guessed ' a good deal
and said ' bo-id ' instead of ' bird,' and she wouldn't have
liked to be told she wasn't an American by a man who
didn't know what woad was."
"I admit," I said, "that it had escaped my memory; but
what of that ? A man cannot always remember every-
thing."
"No," she said, "but he might sometimes remember
something."
" It is our system of education," I said. " Our English
public schools are champions at teaching us to forget the
useless things — Latin, for instance, and Greek and French
and Algebra. If I 've forgotten more Algebra than you,
it 's only because I once knew more."
"I have solved," said Francesca, "more than one quad-
ratic equation."
" Which," I said, " was a very unwomanly thing to do.
It is strange that you should boast of it."
"But," she continued, "if I had been an American I
should have insisted on introducing you to the Tower of
London, St. Paul's Cathedral and the National Gallery."
" And I should have retaliated by taking you to the
Falls of Niagara and a silver-mine in Colorado."
"Take care," she said. "I have a Staffordshire coal-
mine in reserve."
" And I should have trumped you with the Bunker Hill
monument."
" We '11 leave it at that," she said. " Why pursue these
imaginary recriminations? "
"Agreed," I said; "but, you know, you began it. You
interrupted me with a perfectly frivolous remark about
woad, when I was going to say something very important,
and now it's gone clean out of my head."
"Don't worry about coaxing it back," she said.
try to exist without it." R. C. L.
"POPE ENDEAVOURS TO ENLIST
PRESIUKXT WILSON rs CAUSE OF PEACE."
Dundee Ki-ening Telegraph.
For the moment we quite thought the Pontiff had taken
the KING'S lira.
15, IBIS.] PUNCH, oil Till-; LONDON < || \i;iv.\IM.
WAR RISKS.
Old Dresser (to Veteran Actor making vp to play "Romeo").
GET 'ISS1NO YOU POll NOT 'LISTING."
' I WOULDN'T MAKE YOUBSELP TOO YOUSO, SIB, CABE THEY MIGHT
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)
MIL E. F. BENSON is now firmly established as the chief
satirist of what one calls (for want of a less vulgar term)
the Upper Middle Class. His latest book, Tlie Oakleyites
(lloi)DEK AND STOUGHTON), finds him dealing as faithfully
as ever with his chosen victims. Oakley is a place some-
what easy of identification, a sleepy, picturesque little town,
once a seaport, now rising from a waste of level marsh-
land, where "when in dusky Autumn evenings the low
sea-mist creeps up over the level, it is easy to imagine that
the retreated waters have swept silently back again, and
lap the base of Oakley Hill, ready to bear up to the walls
of the town freights of fantastic and ghostly merchandise."
Here dwell a group of characters, chief among whom is
Hiss Dorothy Jackson, whose middle-aged love story with
its poignant end Mr. BENSON tells with much beauty of
manner. I shall not repeat the story, saying only by way
of criticism that it reveals its hero, a popular novelist, as
a rather foolish and gullible fellow. But it may well be
that popular novelists, in human actuality, are like that.
Mr. BENSON probably knows. Indeed, I had a passing
wonder whether in Wilfred Easton he was not poking
gentle fun at the creator of a certain Dodo, now extinct
But tender and full of genuine feeling as is his picture of
Dorothy, it is once again the subsidiary persons who make
the book. There is a Christian Scientist lady, for example,
: \vlio is glorious fun; one with whom "all ways led to
Mrs. Eddy," and all that was conversationally possible for
her friends was to lengthen out the way. And not even
Mr. BENSON has written anything more bitingly humorous
than the episode of the three sisters each striving to select
the most valuable legacy from a collection of rubbish. You
can hardly read it for laughter; yet the fidelity of its
observation is almost painful. Both for satire and senti-
ment, in short, The Oakleyitts is a book to be ordered.
It would be a rotten tiling for anyone who sits at home
driving a safe quill to let himself go in any criticism of
trivial detail in such a document as Miss M u BlBCUJB'l
A Journal of Impressions in Jielijiinn (lit TC HINSON) with a
motor ambulance. We must just gratefully accept it as il
comes, with its curious and no doubt entirely truthfu
impressions of fears and laughter, of big things and little
things oddly huddled together, of anxiety about the shape
of the Commandant's hat and of dreadful visions of blooc
! and tears. There can be no doubt that Miss SINCLAIR am
her companions, the Commandant (a courageous and
apparently untrained man), two doctors, two stretcher
bearers and five women, including the author, earned a fine
spirit and resourcefulness into devastated Belgium, did their
! excellent bit and had the time of their lives. It is nice to
! think of that young English girl, URSULA PKAIIUKH. whc
took with complete calm the bursting of a she
from her, and to contrast generally the author's candi.
suggestions of fear and dismay before the exciting events
and of imperturbable serenity during and after
210
PUNCH. Oil THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [SEPTEMBEB 15, 1915.
Readers of her journal will have the satisfaction not only of to Mr. LONDON, it is the custom for prison-wardens and
getting a sense of atmosphere conveyed hy a clever pen, ' prison-warders to torture the convicts, not intermittently
but of helping the Kod Cross, to whose funds the author is when tho whim seizes them, but all the time. The Jacket
is a second Juiujic. But somehow I suspect Mr. LONDON.
He is one of those American wielders of the muck-rake
handing over all her royalties.
' Well," said Mart/ Mureland, "she's yours ! " — meaning
who can make a sensitive subject believe any horrors by
herself. She said it on the last page of the book, but as a sheer force of eloquence. He could write an account of
matter of fact she had been his, quite unavoidably, from the squashing of a wasp which would convince you that
the first; and this notwithstanding that he started with a the man who did it was a second TIUI'ITH. The feeling I
wife and other obstacles to the happy ending. He was the had after reading The Jacket was that nothing should
hero of Mary Murelaiid (MILLS AND BOON), also incidentally induce me ever to go to the United States. Why, I might
the employer of that young lady in the capacity of typist, forget to stamp a letter or fail to abate a smoky chimney,
So he loved her, and, being excusably bored by his and then what would happen? Fifty years in the peni-
legitimate spouse, asked Mary to fly with him. But she tentiary. Fifty years in solitary confinement, with large
wouldn't, having a big soul and being a heroine ; also, warders jumping on my chest all the time, stopping only
probably, because she knew quite well that this kind of for meals. It is too great a risk,
sentimental American fiction is built on the Pamda-or-
Yirtiic-Heu'anh'd lines, and that she was bound to be a safe
For Mr. J. E. PATTERSON'S sincerity, both in his previous
winner in the end. Which, as you see, happened ; but not work and in His Father s Wife (ALLEN AND UNWIN), I have
before MAHIE VAN VOEST had
written a long story about it,
which may please those who
like this kind of thing. Per-
sonally I found it not quite
worthy of my pleasant memo-
ries of Big T remit inc. There are
certainly lots of love in it, dollars,
as they say, "to taste," and, in
short, all the ingredients of a
popular success. Such success
seems perhaps a little easier in
America' than with us. There
is a fine simplicity about the
reading public there ; without
an effort they rise superior to
the irritation produced by what
in an English writer we should
call quite detestable style ; re-
maining unruffled, for example,
when a character is spoken of
as "making an exit" when all
that the author means is that
he went out. Still, after all,
what is style compared with
heart-interest ? When the con-
veniently wido wered .Ma KI//WW clasps AZa«/ to his millionaire
bosom, who bothers about refinements of speech? A
pleasant, undistinguished tale of the best-seller variety ;
you can take, or leave, it at that.
an abundant admiration. It is,
however, a quality that may be
j worked to excess, and in this
tragedy of East Anglian farmers
1 Mr. PATTERSON seems to have
been overwhelmed by the
thought that to be sincere is
the one and only duty of a
novelist. When Aaron BugwootK
a widower with a grown-up son,
marries a young girl, one begins
to foresee the painful situation
that is developed with infinite
care and ability. But all the care
and ability in the world could
not make me anxious to read of
the love between a youth and his
own stepmother ; and this is the
tragedy given to us in a series
of scenes impressive enough but
very gloomy. For the rest the
events on lioyerRugwood's boat
1 are as Pattersonesque as you
"Is ™?_G_INCL °f.FI.c.E:B°Y^ F°5 i can desire, and the farmers, with
their jealousies and junketings,
are tremendously alive. If only
EDITORIAL PERSONAGE
WHISTLING COMIC SONG IN OFFICE OF NEWSPAPER OF
PESSIMISTIC HABIT.
I wonder how- Mr. JACK LONDON would have written
Trilby. I suppose he would have thrown a lurid light on
the hideous brutalities of art-student life in Paris, and his
Little Billee would have been a sort of combination of
circus giant and homicidal lunatic. At any rate it is on
those lines that, in his latest volcano of frenzied fiction,
The Jacket, erupting from the offices of Messrs. MILLS AND
BOON, he has re-written Du MAUHIEK'S Peter Ibbetson.
Like Peter, Darrell Standing, while serving a life-sentence
for murder, picked up the habit of projecting his soul from
his body and sending it travelling through all the lives he
had lived on this earth in previous incarnations. In their
central idea the two books are identical. It is in their
atmosphere that they differ. None of Du MAURIEE'S gentle,
haunting wistfulness for Mr. LONDON. No, Sir ! The
Jacket is not so much a book as a yell. It bursts on the
reader, and stuns and deafens him. I had to stop reading
it every few pages — to rest. You see, Darrell Standing was
immured in an American prison, and in America, according
Roger could have been more in love with the sea and less
with his father's wife I feel that Mr. PATTERSON'S book
would have lost but little of its power and would at the
same time have been far pleasanter to read.
The Instrumentalists.
[Among the presents received by Mile. JANOTHA, the deported
pianist, was a jewelled lyre from the KAISER.]
Still music has charms for the ugliest brute ;
This applies both to son and to sire,
For the GROWN PRINCE retains all his love for the loot
While his father still doats on the lyre.
The Pibroch Cure.
" Aiid almost at the same moment the dumb man put his hand on
a very hot water piper, and t.) his amazement and the astonishment
of the doctors and nurses recovered his speech." — Evening Paper.
"The fact is that there has been continual cress-fertilization of
science. The those who remind us that Hertz, for instance, stood on
the shoulds Fitzgerald, it may be answereds of Mended that I
stands on the shoulders of Mendel ; and both statements would be
ridiculously far off adequate accuracy." — China Mail.
We agree.
SEI-TKMHKU 22, 1915.] PUNCH, OU THK LONDON ( -| |.\ I; I \ \ |;|.
CHARIVARIA.
Count I.U^TI.UKF has stated to an of ,„. ;„ that the Member, of
ton-lower that all «hlh,-nlti,- ,
LONDON'S new watch word-" SCOTT Germany and America will I,, settled of the (
within a fortnight, "because I am in of the sal..;
charge now." A lot of trouble would
have been saved if he hail been arrested
strafe? /Ki'i'Ku.v.'
President WILSON has excused his
inability to speak a,t a patriotic cclohra- six months ago.
tinn next month hy saying that "ques-
tions turn ii]) so suddenly and have to
* *
.lar authors regard
-••••isiiiii of tin? km,; ;irie»'
Committee t<> i
t By a large majority the Croydon during the War a.
A (ic'i-inan airship recently dropped
a hone inscribed with a mes-
sage to Sir KIIWAKD GREY.
Tin- skull and the other part
of the trade-mark have not
yet been traced.
In a list of expressions of
French or English origin still
appearing in the German Press
\\e lind the word "zivilisa-
tion." This is, of course, a
tribute to the KAISER'S air-
men, who prefer to introduce
civilisation with a " Z."
' :): '
In a discussion with Sir E.
BADEN-POWELL regarding the
proper length for a lance the
DESMAN KMIT.UOH said,"I find
that for every inch that you
put on to a man's lance you
give him two feet of self-
esteem." We could give an
ate of the length of the
KAISKK'S own lance; but there
is no room for it on this page.
#
\\V have it on the authority
of the German wireless that
private individuals and muni-
cipalities frequently request
the German authorities to
safeguard their works of art.
The CROWN PRINCE and his
brother JOACHIM have been especially
. ius in responding to these appeals.
* *
•
In its campaign for economy the
Li'L'dlanzeiger has been urging the
German public not to require shop-
keepers to tie up their parcels, pointing
out that " the hemp used for string is
needed for the army and navy." Having
regard to some of the doings of the said
army and navy we cordially agree.
:|:
A story is going the rounds of a
soldier who caught a horse during the
retreat from Mons and sold it to a
gunner for a packet of Woodbines.
The excellence of the bargain has
probably been exaggerated ; it may
have been merely an exchange of
weeds.
PRICE*
BE TOO HIC
WHEN HONOUR
AND LIBERTY
ARE AT STAKE
ho handled so promptly " that he dare Guardians resolved last week not to Committee allege that •• li.-i i., in win
not let Ins thoughts go out to other insure the ratepayers' property should be regarded as more or
mailers. It is not yet live months, for damage by aircraft, after one member less of a luxury "—and yet they con-
example, since the Luxitania was sunk, had besought them not to give way t.. tinuo to purchase largo numbers of
*** panic " because of little things that 'had newspapers,
happened in the London district."
The men polishers employed
at a chair-making factory are
reported to have struck because
the women workers were given
easy jobs, while they had to
take the more difficult. These,
we suppose, are the arni-clmir
patriots we hear so much
are glad that at least one of the Croydon
Bumbles has repudiated the motto
" Buzziness as usual."
* *
a facetious German
his- Government : —
Extract from
spy's report to
The success of the visit of the Zeppe-
lins was colossal. In every street an air-
raided bread-shop is to be observed."
$ #
" Mr. Chaplin said he only rose lest,
sitting on the same bench as the hon.
and gallant gentleman, bis silence might
appear to give consent to the views
expressed. (Laughter.)" Mr. ASQUITH
(later) : — " I entirely associate myself
with what was said by the right hon.
gentleman who leads the Opposition.
(Laughter)." The only inference we can
draw from these mysterious outbursts
about.
~»T
Remarking on a well-known
journal's description of itself
as "The paper that gets things
done," a correspondent con-
siders that the quotation from
BROWNINO'S "Rabbi Ben
Ezra" might have been com-
pleted— "Things done, that
took the eye and had the
price." * «
A correspondent reminds us
of Faktajfs confession, " 1
have misused the King's Press
damnably," as a suitable quo-
tation for the times, but we
fail to catch his meaning.
* «
We hear that a dear old
lady who had a Zeppelin pass
exactly over her house has
taken the precaution of stay-
ing indefinitely with friend*
two doors down the road.
A New Title to Fame.
" Brevet-Major Longcroft will be rcim-m-
bered as the first airman who piloted a machine
over Kirricmuir."— Kimemur Free Prttt.
Where's your J. M. BARHIK now?
" Mr. Cotter adduced his own experience at
inquiry on loss of Lusitania as proof o( need
for giving a statue to trade union officials."
Portsmouth Kreniay Xein.
For some of them, perhaps, a bust
would be more appropriate.
From a Russian communique :—
" This morning south of the town the oflon-
sive passed into our hands, mil
punishment on the Germans and Chri--
Eastern Morn\tuj Xewt.
A justifiable distinction.
VOL. CXLIX.
242
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [SEPTEMBER 22, 1915.
TO A SOLDIER M.P., HOME FROM THE FRONT.
(Affectionately inscribed to Colonel ASTHUS LEE.)
["I confess I am a bit weary of the 'Voice from the Trenches'
and the ' Message from the Front ' when they . . . take the form of
complaint and criticism of what wo are thought to be doing at home.
These good fellows arc excellent in their line and place; hut when
they come here and lecture us they are out of their depths, and are
talking about something they do" not understand." — Sir T. !!'«/;•-
TAKER, M.P., ill "The Daily Nci'-s," quoted by Colonel ARTHUR
LEK, M.P., in the Jloitse.}
ON leave for just a slight repose,
You have to bear with patient head
The sniffy patronage of those
Whom you have guarded safe in bed ;
Who though they never touched a gun
Can teach you how a war is run.
Coming from where no store is set
On eloquence, except of deeds,
Modestly on your feet you get
To talk about the Army's needs ;
And learn that out in foreign lands
No one can tell where England stands.
You are of those " good fellows " whom,
"Excellent in their line and place,"
WHITTAKEB (doughty knight) would doom
To hold their tongues with humble grace
And read the illuminating tracts
Of those at home who have the facts.
What should you know about the War
Who only know it on the spot?
The things outside your billet's door
Are much too near and much too hot ;
Distance alone can lend the true,
The cool, dispassionate point of view.
Besides, you 've lost your status here ;
Elected by the People's Voice
You turned from that exalted sphere
Declining on a lowlier choice ;
So long away, you seem to wear
Almost an alien's doubtful air.
Better go back across the seas !
And leave these Whittakers to loose
Their party-nostrums at their ease —
For such the soldier has no use,
Finding the facts of life and death
Too large for any shibboleth. 0. S.
UNWRITTEN LETTERS TO THE KAISER.
No. XXVII.
(From Dr. DUMB A.)
IF your High-esteemful Majesty sees no violent impro-
priety in such a course, I propose to permit myself to
convey to you a few thoughts which have been brought
about in my mind by the recent events of which your
gracious Majesty has doubtless deigned to hear.
Well, for the moment the game is up, and our activities,
which promised so valuable a result, cannot any more be
prolonged. Certainly it was a master-plan — and for that I
have to thank my friend BERNSTORFP — to endeavour to
promote disaffection and strikes in American workshops
which were engaged in manufacturing munitions of war
for our enemies ; but I regret to say that, owing to two
causes, this campaign was only partially successful. In
the first place many— I might almost say most of those
appealed to, though they were unquestionably subjects of
the Austro - Hungarian Empire -Kingdom, were by race
Croatians and as such bore but little love to the State from
which, to put it in their own words, they had escaped.
They made most disrespectful references to the Agriim
conspiracy trial, in which, as you may remember, my
Imperial Eoyal Lord and Master was seriously defeated,
and our Government sustained great loss of credit for
having allowed its agents to forge the evidence on which
the prosecution was based. What could it do ? If it had
not forged the evidence there would have been no evidence
at all, and then there could have been no prosecution. But
it was important that these knaves should be prosecuted
and convicted of their crime, even if they had momentarily
abstained from committing it. I am sure your Majesty
will know what I mean and will have sympathised with
the object our Government had at heart. The regrettable
thing was that we were found out, with the result that all
Croatians have since become disloyally suspicious of our
motives. They actually prefer making munitions for our
enemies to trusting in the benevolent sentiments of my
Imperial and Eoyal Master and his heaven - inspired
Government.
And now I come to the second cause of my ever-to-be-
regretted failure. Like the Government at Agram, I was
found out. Very indiscreetly, as I now see, I entrusted to an
American a letter to my chief. The American allowed him-
self to be stopped and rummaged by the British authorities ;
the letter was discovered and was immediately made public.
The American Government saw a chance of doing some-
thing which had the appearance of being strong and
decisive without any possible risk, and it has requested my
Government to recall me. What a hell-brew for me to
have to swallow ! I confess I writhe when I think of
BEEKSTOKFF. The sly fox has done things ten times as
un ambassadorial as anything I have ever done, but he
didn't put pen to paper and therefore he remains comfort-
ably at Washington and is still able to scheme and bribe
and interfere for the benefit of your Majesty and for his
own great satisfaction. How blindly fate sports with us !
There is one point in which my experience of the
Americans may be useful to your Majesty. You have
sometimes — may I say it ? — appeared to act towards this
people as if you were timid of offending and provoking
thern. I think you are wrong. The Americans are not
really to be feared. They boast about their greatness and
their strength, and the magnificence of their star-spangled
banner, and they expect all the world to take them at their
own valuation. They have been accustomed to twist the
tail of the British lion, and the British lion has contemptu-
ously acquiesced, and the Americans have thus gained the
idea that all the nations of the world will bow down and
submit to them. But if any nation were to stand up to
them and show fight I am convinced this boasting would
cease, and you would see them grovelling in the dust and
submitting to every humiliation rather than push even a
just claim to the risk of a conflict. What, indeed, could
they do ? They have no army ; two or three submarines
could terrorise or destroy their fleet, and then where would
they be ? Let there be no more truckling, but let a strong
policy be adopted towards these braggarts. Pardon me if I
have spoken strongly. On the truth of what I have said
I am willing to stake the reputation of
CONSTANTIN DUMBA.
"MARRIAGES. — Sept. 4 quietly, owing to the war at the Parish
Church, St. Asaph." — Liverpool Echo.
This must not be confused with the other War going on
just now in Europe.
THE IMPS OF WAR.
KAISER. "AFTER ALL THE TROUBLE I'VE TAKEN WITH YOU I MUST SAY THAT, AS
LITTLE TERRORS, YOU DISAPPOINT ME."
BEPTKMHKU
PUNCI OR THE LONDON CHARTVAm
Sympathetic Recruit (wJiosepal has had his ears boxed by exasperated Sergeant). " 'E DIDN'T OCOHT TO DO THAT, DID
The Injured One. "Ii DON'T MATTER IP 'E DID OCOHT OB IF 'ts DIDN'T OUGHT, 'E DUN rr, DIDN'T 'E?"
ON BELLONA'S HEM.
THE IMPORTANT PASSENGER.
I SAW him immediately we rounded
the engine of the boat-train at Folke-
stone and had sight of the ship. There
he stood, " all over khaki," as someone
expressed it, with his legs wide apart,
as though before the fire waiting for
dinner after a day's hunting, and with
eight inches of cigar protruding from
his mouth at exact right angles to his
ruddy physiognomy. He was on the
deck facing the gangway, and there he
stood scrutinizing the passengers until
the luggage had all been swung aboard,
a matter of a cigar and a-half. He
then without a quiver ascended the
bridge and stood in the same attitude
beside the captain, and it was now,
after so unprecedented an action, that
I began to realise that here was a nut
indeed.
Hitherto he had fascinated me by his
aplomb and suggestion of the govern-
ing class ; my eyes were now to pursue
him for his importance. Who could
he be ? There was something familiar
about his features. Surely I had some-
where seen pictures, " reading from left
to right," of tho.se whiskers so unmili-
tary in themselves, although, taken in
conjunction with the khaki, and the red
on the cap, and the attitude, so com-
manding, so conquering ? But hitherto,
unless 1 was mistaken, they had usually
been surmounted by a tall hat. Khaki
had never before been their concomitant.
To-day however khaki breaks out upon
the strangest figures, especially perhaps
in Paris at lunch-time in the best
restaurants.
After a while, the third or fourth
cigar being burnt out, my hero descended
and, proceeding to the principal private
cabin, opened it witli a key and dis-
appeared within. Here was another
token of authority and distinction — a
key. I too have occupied cabins, but
no key was ever in their locks.
With his departure the deck seemed
to become a simpler, more domestic
place.
At Boulogne I saw him again. He
had now a swollen and very official-
looking leather case in his hand,
another cigar in his mouth, and he
walked right off the boat amid salutes
what time we others were huddling in
a dense mass outside the smoking-room,
to be passed in review before a French
officer and have our passports stamped ;
and just as I at last reached the buffet
he was leaving it, still clinging to his
leather case and more important in
aspect than ever.
It was then that realisation came
upon me, for suddenly 1 remembered
having noticed at Victoria that one of
the compartments was reserved for a
King's Messenger In a flash I knew
that this was he. This was that ex-
citing official, so dear to romance, in
real life ! To carry that leather case so
fraught with dread secrets was — all his
natural hobbies at a standstill — the
great man's way of doing his bit.
Yet the question could not but
obtrude itself, Was the leather case thus
packed? Would documents of real
importance bo entrusted to one so
marked out not only by nature but art
and personal inclination for promin-
ence? Was it not possible that the real
despatches were at this moment leaving
the ship in a humble handbag, being
carried by plain insignificant Tom,
Dick, or Harry, all unfringed and un-
Olympian ? Perish the thought !
From a testimonial to a nerve
specialist : —
" I am so thankful to have found you out."
246
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [SEPTEMBER 22, 1915.
A KHAKI COURTSHIP.
I ALWAYS travel down to Haslemere
on Saturdays by the 1.19 train from
Waterloo, eating my lunch in the train
and sleeping afterwards. Last Saturday,
however, just as I had undone my sand-
wiches and was waiting for the train
to start, I was disturbed by the sudden
entry of a gentleman in khaki, whose
three stripes indeed proclaimed him a
sergeant, though his bearing and com-
plexion suggested that he was not likely
fan herself with a paper bag and gener-
ally to emphasize her interest in my
case.
The Sergeant, spurred by this en-
couragement, again attacked me.
" Are you English ? " said he.
"I am not," said I (being in fact a
mild-faced man with a beard, and Irish
on my mother's side).
1 1 told you so," exclaimed the
long to remain so.
burdened ; and he
He was heavily
climbed into the
Sergeant.
' You 're right, Sergeant ;
" It 's a scandal," said the widow.
" It is a scandal, Madam," said he ;
" you 're right ; and the Government are
a pack of old women to allow it. But
KITCHENER, now — he 's the right man
in the right place."
" He is that," said the widow.
With a growing confidence in each
other's judgment, based on their esti-
mates of Lord KITCHENER and myself,
carriage at the third attempt with a
puff of relief, struggled across it and
subsided into the corner opposite me.
Having spent a few moments in
collecting himself, he again rose
to his feet and laid the more
detachable parts of his equip-
ment in the rack on the top of
my soft hat. He then sat down
and, pulling out a large coloured
handkerchief, slowly wiped his
forehead.
Thus comforted he inspected
with no sign of false shame the
other occupants of the carriage.
His eye roved without comment
over the rather pale young clerk
who sat next him and the girl
eating a piece of cake in the
corner on the same side. But
I observed it dwell with satis-
faction, as it reached the oppo-
site corner, upon the ampler
qualifications of a lady, evi-
dently a widow, whose extensive
display of solid metallic orna-
ment left little doubt that she
had at some time received
honourable mention in a pawn-
broker's will. Then I looked
modestly down and submitted
without protest to the Sergeant's
inspection of myself.
At the end of a minute or so I looked
up, assuming that it had been satisfac-
torily concluded, and was not a little
disquieted to find the Sergeant still
glaring at me.
" That man 's a German," said he in
a Scotch kind of voice, as I raised my
eyes ; and then, in default of protest on
my part, " I 've a good mind," he said,
looking round the carriage for sym-
pathy— " I 've a good mind to throw
him out of the window." And he
gazed fiercely at me.
The youth and the girl each looked
up, and then resumed their respective
functions of reading a newspaper and
eating a bun. But I observed through
the corner of my eye that the widow
stiffened herself in her corner and
proceeded, as soon as she had rearranged
her jewelry to suit this new posture, to
quite right," said the widow, nodding
her approval. " He has a German face.
It 's a crying shame the way these
Austrians are allowed to go about,
guiding the Zeppelins on to widows
and little children."
they proceeded to the discussion of
you 're j other topics, such as the Zeppelin raids,
the medical misfortunes of their re-
THE "U" CUBE.
We understand that the cure of Admiral VON TIBPITZ is
taking the form of immersion in hot-water baths of special
construction. The distinguished invalid, we hear, shows
little improvement.
What are you, then ? " said the
Sergeant.
" Irish," said I humbly.
He regarded me suspiciously.
"I had a cousin," said he,
'that
spective relations, the thirstiness of
the weather and the lonesomeness of
widows. As each subject drew to a
close the Sergeant turned to me as to
a dog, whose excessive displays of
affection required periodical dis-
couragement, and,
" I 've a good mind to do it,"
said he ; and then, turning again
to the widow,
"There's KITCHENER, now;
he 's the right man in the right
place."
" He is that," said the widow
on each occasion, and added at
the fifth repetition, " He is that,
and it 's a marvel to me that he
should have been content to
remain a bachelor all these
years."
There was a long and pregnant
pause.
' " I Ve a good mind to do it,"
said the Sergeant.
An unusual trace of hesitation
in his tone made me look up ;
and I observed that his remark
appeared this time to be directed
to himself, instead of, as here-
tofore, to the general company,
and that his glance had been
transferred from me to the
widow, who recognized the
compliment by bridling as effi-
ciently as her configuration and the
multiplicity of her ornaments allowed.
The solution of our several problems
indicated by this development seemed
to me entirely satisfactory. I deter-
mined that my presence at least should
not complicate the situation further ;
and, the train at that moment drawing
up at Guildford, I made an unobtrusive
transfer to another carriage.
spent a while in Ireland once, and he
didn't speak like you — no, nor look like
you either," he added.
He continued to eye me as though
expecting some explanation of this dis-
crepancy. Then, as I remained silent,
" Did you never meet him ? " said he.
"What was his name?" said I
diplomatically.
" Robinson," said he.
" Never," said I.
" I told you so," said the Sergeant,
again looking round the carriage for
approval, and then, measuring my in- j We are
considerable bulk against the size of continuation of racing in England is
the window, " I 've a good mind to do \ not materially affecting the moral of
it," said he. j our troops at the Front.
"In the House of Lords this afternoon
Lord Kitchener said for last few months front
held by Allies in West had been practically
unchanged.
Wet Kiss 1 Koster Girl f. 2 Trevella 3.
This did not mean any relaxation of activity
on part of forces in field."
Evening Provincial Paper.
very glad to learn that the
SEPTKMHKK -2:>, 1915.] PUNCH
THE WOES OF A WOUNDED.
THK nicest of the nurses
According her consent,
I made sonic simple \v
To tell her what it meant,
That in this best of bowers,
Where milk descends in showers,
And no one heeds the Powers,
I am not quite content.
Although my martial fervour
Is subject to caprice
No competent observer
Will grudge me my release ;
I may occasion no stir
But feel, a modest boaster
(To paraphrase the poster),
That I 've performed my piece.
In practical phylactics
1 've done some useful work ;
I 've taught the men some tactics
And where bacilli lurk;
But always, on reflection,
I note one grave objection —
That (to my recollection)
/ never killed a Turk.
With Private Kent, the sniper,
I 've done some prodigies ;
I spot the Turkish viper
And tell him where it is;
Though mine the primal vigour
To indicate the figure,
The hand that pressed the trigger
Was uniformly his.
Perhaps, to be quite candid,
I 'in not cut out for CAIN ;
I slaughter — second-handed,
I fire the distant train ;
My influence in the trenches
May well compare with FRENCH'S
But never a maiden blenches
To know that I have slain.
All this impairs my pleasure,
As poets hate to see
Some almost perfect measure
Not quite what it should be;
Yet have I consolation
For having failed the nation —
By some miscalculation
They never finished me.
From experts' truthful stories
I do my best to learn ;
They all agree that war is
A murdering concern ;
And since it seems my presence
Adds nothing to its essence,
I feel a mere excrescence
And simply shan't return.
A workman's report after an air-
raid : —
"Two booms fell close to my house. One
exploded in a field ; the other was one of them
insanitary booms and didn't do much harm."
Not a boom, but a slump, in fact.
THE PESSIMIST.
Daughter. "SPLENDID NEWS FROM THE FRONT THIS MOUSING. WE'VE "
Motlier. "HusH, DEAR. I HEAR YOCR FATHER COUINO. HIDE THE PAPER; it HE
SEES IT HE WON'T TOUCH HIS BREAKFAST."
Undress Uniform.
"Personally, when in command, I had no
lifficulty in having all correct. Even at mess
'. never permitted officers to appear in anything
>ut boots, as I pointed out, being mobilised
or war, they might be needed at a moment's
notice." — Daily Mirror.
"ENEMY 'TIRED OP LYING'
KILLED BY THEIR OWN GAS."
Erening Paper.
VIetaphorical or literal, German gas
eerns to be equally deadly.
A Phrase to be Avoided.
At a concert for wounded soldiers : —
" I am indeed glad to see so many of you
resent to-night." — Edinburgh Evening News.
From an article in the monthly paper
of the Church League for \Voinen's
Suffrage describing life in Serbia : —
" Yesterday a bullock-cart turned up with a
wicker top — most picturesque. The c.wn.-r
milked the animals and presented the milk to
the hospital."
In Serbia there appear to be no silly
distinctions between the sexes.
" SPORTING TUTOR. — Gentleman desires
Pupil to instruct him in following SporU and
Pastimes : — Shooting, fishing, golf, tennis,
billiards, Ac., and assist him with his studies ;
exceptional references." — Morning Paper.
He will have to be an extremely
versatile pupil, but where does the
sporting tutor come in ?
248
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [SEPTEMBER 22, 1915.
A VICTIM OF INVASION.
Peter Bintock referred generally to
summer visitors as " them blight." He
did not sse the good of them, he never
had seen and never would see that they
served any fruitful purpose. He canio
of a family who had owned their own
land in Treginegar for incalculable
generations, and he could speak casu-
ally of his great-grandfather's attitude
towards the Restoration. (Any ances-
tor behind the grandfather mark was
indicated by the single prefix ; beyond
the limit of his immediate experience
Peter was Bergsonian in his treatment
of time and simultaneity.) And if any-
one could need further evidence of so
obvious a valuation of " them blight "
Peter had a clincher in reserve. " It 's
just twenty year since the first visitor
came to Treginegar," he would say with
a kind of superheated patience, and
add as he turned contemptuously away
—"and he was a black man." The
well-informed were left to ponder on
the dismal quality of this black blight ;
it is the sort you get on beans.
For years after the black man episode
Peter continued to live happily in
historic time, tilling his land on the
principles inculcated by his great-
grandfather in the days of WILLIAM
RUFUS, and only distantly critical of
the slowly increasing plague of green
fly that had miraculously descended
from a black ancestor. These first
visitors were, indeed, comparatively
tentative harmless creatures ; the
same specimens recurred annually in
August and September, bringing their
young, and feeding them, for the
most part innocently enough, on one
of the various beaches — poor foreign
things who knew nothing of the
massive permanence of Treginegar,
and almost negligible from Peter's
point of view.
But about ten or fifteen years ago
some unintelligible thing that called
itself a " railway company " built a new
station at a point eight miles nearer to
Treginegar, and the blight only had to
drift five milss instead of thirteen in
order to reach its summer habitat. And
although the poor things tried desper-
ately in the first instance to keep their
refuge to themselves the names of other
places about Treginegar were becoming
famous. Dangerous people, like BAR-
ING - GOULD and LEWIS HIND, wrote
very wicked books, actually naming
"beauty-spots" on the North Coast,
and all the competition of the " Cornish
Eiviera " failed to prevent the blight
from spreading.
Petsr began to lose his temper. He
had a curious feeling that he had
missed some opportunity to nip this
thing in the bud. He felt that if he
had, so to speak, killed a few queen
wasps earlier in the year the swarm
could have been avoided. He scowled i
through harvest and swore a great deal,
and openly advertised the frightful
horrors that awaited any of " them
blight" if they trespassed on his
land.
And eventually that happened. Peter
saw it from his own front garden,
snatched a cudgel as he rushed through
the hall, and charged, shouting. The
invaders were three timidly - brave
schoolmistresses, and they scattered
and fled like scared hens before
Peter's vocabulary, leaving him vic-
torious but choleric in the middle of
the pasture.
But next August the sacrilege was
repeated more than once; and there
can be little doubt that the Socialist
who attempted argument, and after-
wards brought an action against Peter
for violent assault, secretly instigated
other visitors to dare the outrageous
experiment. That year report had it
that there were as many as twenty-
nine foreigners in Treginegar parish
during August, and Peter began to have
the feelings of one who had undertaken
a great and urgent work.
Incidentally he tried a bull, an indis-
criminating beast, who finally penned
him into a corner while a spasm of
blight were criminally trespassing in
the middle distance. That act marked
the bull as a true descendant of the
black man, and it was transformed into
vulgar beef directly the weather grew
cooler. This error of judgment, how-
ever, confirmed Peter in his conviction
that he was one against a multitude,
that he was a man with a great and
increasing purpose, and he prepared to
fight the whole world in defence of his
rights. He knew that the world con-
tained great hosts of visitors. He had
heard of other places in Cornwall, and
of Devonshire, and of a town called
London that was more than twice the
size (so they said) of Bodmin ; but he
was magnificently resolute.
He had a matter of ten months in
every year for his preparations, and
his fields broke out, little by little as
he could afford it, into barbed wire,
and the steadfastly locked gates were
capped by a horrid cheval-de-frise of
dead furze. And during the crucial
seven weeks Peter himself never relin-
quished his cudgel or abated for a
single second of daylight his fierce
untiring watch across the spread of
arable and pasturage. He could not go
to market between July and October,
and his personal work in the harvest-
field was almost negligible. He never
swerved from his holy purpose. He
would not let " them blight " trespass
unaccosted upon one blade of grass in
the fields that his great-grandfather
had so successfully cultivated in the
days of ALFRED THE GREAT.
I am still inclined to believe that
Peter would havo survived if it had not
been for the War. He was truly a
victim of the Zeppelin, inasmuch as it
seems that the whole East Coast has
this year vomited its vast swarm of
visitors into Treginegar — upwards of
two hundred, the postman said. And
unhappily a corner of Peter's land
offers a tempting and advantageous
short-cut. By mid-August lie had a
wild look about his eyes, which he
had not closed since lie found that
some fool had used two of his corn
shocks as a tent to sleep in — and
he had a convinced habit of turning
sharply to gaze across any field that
had been momentarily hidden. He
looked with fierce suspicion at the
very gulls. Two hundred acres take a
lot of watching, and Peter was never
still for five seconds at a time. No
man could endure that strain for seven
weeks. By the end of August I knew
that Peter was a doomed man ; and
when it was found that he had bar-
ricaded the main coast road one night
even the reluctant Cornish authorities
(egged on, unquestionably, by this
blight) were forced to intervene.
In the Bodmin " establishment" they
can keep him quiet in an empty room
by giving him photographs of bare
fields or moors or any desert in which
there is no human figure. The room
must be empty, because he is apt to
mistake furniture for blight, and his
methods are drastic and violent. They
hope to let him out at the end of
September, but they are prepared to
receive him again every year between
July and October. It 's the recurrent
kind, the doctor says.
There is a certain irony in the
thought that Peter, whose great-grand-
father farmed Treginegar in the dear
old days of the Phosnicians, should
now be reduced to the level of a
summer visitor in Bodmin.
HMmcb's IRoIl of Ifoonour.
WE keenly regret to learn of the
death, from wounds, of Lieutenant
J. S. M. TOMBS, R.F.A. He was one
of the first to enlist in the Liverpool
Scottish. He was invalided home with
frost-bite arid, on recovering, received
a commission in the Royal Field Artil-
lery. After four months' training he
returned to the Front a few weeks ago.
Lieutenant TOMBS was a frequent con-
tributor of verse and short articles to
Punch.
'150 PUNCH, OK TIIK LONDON CHARIVARI.
OUR WAR ECONOMIES.
Jfusband (returning to smoking-room after being called to the telephone). " WHAT THE 1 1 "
Wife. "OH, I PUT IT OUT, DEAB, AS I DIDN'T KNOW HOW LONG YOU 'D BE. I DIDN'T LIKE TO SEE IT WA8TIBO, AR I K»«W IT
WAS A GOOD ONE."
CAMP QUAETEEMASTEEING.
i.
TIIK worst of Adjutants is that they
have so much time on their hands that
they can go about asking silly ques-
tions. I was busy at something or
another when our Adjutant asked me
if I would quartermaster our summer
camp, and I daresay that I did, absent-
mindedly and in accordance with mili-
tary etiquette, answer in the affirmative.
Anyway, I thought no more about it
until the middle of July, when the
Adjutant came along and asked what
I was doing about the camp.
" What camp ? "
" The summer camp."
" Is there going to be one ? "
" Yes, and you 've been appointed
Camp Quartermaster."
" Very interesting. Any men going ? "
" That 's what I was going to ask
you. It 's your business to find out."
" All right, I '11 ask the Company
Commanders. Do I have to do any-
thing else?"
" Not much. You have to provide
tents for the battalion, and see to the
food and things, and just run the camp.
That 's all."
" That sounds easy."
" Yes, but you may have trouble
about the tents. I hear there aren't
any to be got."
" Perhaps we 'd better not mention
that to the men until they get there."
" No, especially as there 's no chance
of billeting them."
" How long will the camp last ? "
" About a fortnight, and if there
aren't enough men we can stop it
sooner."
"That's a most satisfactory idea and
will make it easy for everyone to make
their arrangements — especially me."
" Well, you must do the best you can,
and I think you 'd better begin to see
about it."
I saluted, and that 's how I became
Camp Quartermaster. The Adjutant's
one sensible idea was about beginning
to see about it, and I accordingly started
to worry the Company Commanders,
who worried the Seconds-in-command,
who worried the Company Sergeant-
Majors, who worried the Company
Quartermaster-Sergeants, who worried
the Platoon Sergeants, who worried the
men, and, as that 's the only way Unit
things begin to move in the Army,
things began to move.
I found that the Adjutant wasn't an
wrong as usual about tents being un-
procurable. It seems that the War
Office had decided to use tents in con-
nection with their war, and that several
other people were thinking of holding
summer camps. These things had been
told to the tent-makers, who are pessi-
mistic people, and, if I had believed the
first half-a-dozen firms whom I ap-
proached, I should have come to the
conclusion that there wasn't a tent t<>
be procured in the country. 1 lowever,
by a process of pretending that I didn't
really want tents but was writing an
article on the lack of enterprise in
British industries and in tent-making
in particular, I got the offer of quite a
number of tents at more or less reason-
able prices. To the surprise and annoy-
ance of the tent-makers I accepted
some of these offers and directed them
to despatch the tents to the remote and
inaccessible part of the country where
we had decided to hold our camp. This
250
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [SKMBHBRB 22, 1015.
GRIT.
THE MORNING AFTER THE ZEPPELIN RAID IN OUR VILLAGE.
put fresh heart into the tent-makers, as
they were able to assure me that no
railway company would carry tents, and
that the War Office had bought up every
available motor lorry. They were right
about the motor lorries, but I discovered
a railway company that was willing to
carry tents if and when they had time,
and if they could find the necessary
trucks and the men to load them. When
it got round that I had secured tents,
about ten members of the battalion
assured me that, if they had known
that I wanted tents, they could have
obtained them for me for nothing. I
effectually stopped this kind of talk by
telling them that I wanted lots more
tents and eagerly accepting their offers
to get them.
Having more or less settled the tent
problem I turned my attention to the
food question, and sent for the battalion
Quartermaster-Sergeant, who incident-
ally was once a real Quartermaster-Ser-
geant. He said that he knew all about
feeding troops, but couldn't tell me
accurately how many stones go to a
pound of plum jam, or how many raisins
each man is entitled to in a ration of
plum duff. He was willing to hazard
an opinion on relatively trivial details
like meat, but on important questions
like pdt& de foie </ras and turnips and
the service allowance of pepper per man
for breakfast, and whether an infantry
man was entitled to one pickle and a
cavalry man to two pickles for tea he
was hopelessly uninformed. The best
he could do was to offer to look up' a
book of army regulations which had
been issued to him in 1856, and which
he thought still held good. •
On inquiry I ascertained that our
last Camp Quartermaster, after feeding
the battalion on a consistent dietary of
pork sausages for four days, had retired
to a private home for the feeble-minded,
where he wa3 passing his time calcu-
lating how many sausages it will take
to feed a battalion of uncertain number
for a week on the basis that pork
sausages go bad in geometrical progres-
sion, starting at one-eighth of a sausage
the first day and going on at the double.
I felt certain that mutiny would be the
result of attempting to feed the batta-
lion on pork sausages for a fortnight in
a year when there was no E in the
month of August, which Matilda assured
me is the sole test as to whether or not
pork is fit for human consumption.
Obtaining no assistance from the
Army or our own past experience I
turned my attention to marine records,
and found that the staple food of the
sea is vinegar. As the weather looked
wet and stormy I decided to adopt a
vinegar diet, especially as vinegar is
easily bought and, being wrapt up in
barrels, can be handled with facility.
Both Matilda and the Battalion
Quartermaster- Sergeant thought tluit
the men would expect meat either as a
relish or an alternative to the vinegar,
as some of them at least would be land-
lubbers and not entirely attuned to the
vinegar diet, and I accordingly agreed
to risk the expense of adding meat to
the cuisine.
Subject to the state of the Editor's
digestive organs I will tell you some
other time how to buy meat for the
Army and the kind of things that the
War Office do by way of intervention
when they find out that you have laid
in stocks of tents, vinegar and meat
with a view to holding a camp.
PUNCH, OP. Till! I. CHAKlYAHI.-SEVTUMDKr. 22, 1915.
TRADE UNION
REGULATIONS
LIMITATION
OF
OUTPUT
THE LAST WORD.
FIRST MUNITION WORKER. "LOOK HERE. MATE. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD. YOU 'RK A
TRAITOR TO YOUR UNION."
SECOND DITTO. "WELL, I'D SOONER BE THAT THAN A TRAITOR TO MY
s,:i •TKMIIEB 22, 191 r,.! IM'NCII, OH TIIH LoNDoN r||.\l;i\ A |;|.
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
!•:>: Ti!\("n:i> FKOM Tin: PIAP.Y OK TOP.Y, M.T.I
llnuse of Commons, Tuesday, I4tli
sv/i/i'w/JiT.— -On prorogation of Parlia-
nent elected in January, 1581, ad-
^ourned in Marcli saino year, QIKIA
KI.I/.AHMTH, with Hint affability in
-.at ion that marks royalty,
isked tin; Ki'F.AKKi: what liad
>assed in the House of Commons.
It it please your Majesty,
seven weeks," answered Speaker
I'oriiAM. To-day Parliament re-
sumes the Session. If our Mr.
SrEAKKH were asked by the
Sovereign what had passed in
the interval since the adjourn-
ment lie might make answer, " If
it please your Majesty, nearly
seven weeks."
Poignant remembrance of how,
towards end of July, we parted
distraught with apprehension.
Something over six weeks' ad-
journment of Parliament ! And
what meanwhile was to become
of interests of the Empire at
home and abroad? How would
the Cabinet get along, deprived
of daily counsel from supporters
seated below Gangway? (Per-
haps more precise to say standing,
for they were generally on their
legs).
Well, we muddled through
somehow, for here we are again, once
more counselled and comforted by the
grinding of HANDEL BOOTH, the war-
bling of WEDGWOOD, the denunciation
of DALZIEL, the prattle of PBINGLE and
the jocularity of JOYNSON-HICKS.
The hyphenated Member for Brent-
ford contributed to debate a remark
that uplifted cloud of war and made
Members momentarily merry. What
PKKMIEB aptly described as "a spor-
adic desultory discussion" on question
of conscription versus voluntary enlist-
ment had occurred. JOHN DILLON in-
troduced subject in passionate speech
greeted with continuous cheering from
Members opposite. Eemembering old
times when he was accustomed to be
shouted down from, same quarter,
reception must have given him pleased
surprise.
Irrespective of Party lines House
divided into two camps, one demanding
day for discussion of the question, the
other insisting on leaving matter to
decision of Government, who alone are
in possession of information upon its
full bearings. It, WHS here JOYNBON-
HICKS rushed in and settled matter.
" On the question of conscription,"
he said, " I should myself prefer to
bo guided — very largely — by Lord
KITCHENER."
House by spontaneous burst of dicer \\hito cambric handkerchief profusely
ing appreciated subtle distinction. I'p treaminj cut coat ;
to certain point, loosely but generously ll;
defined, \\'AU MIXISTKU U to !><• trusted • I .' .
for guidance. That limit reached, r.ithor of son "lest,
JoYNsox-HiCKH interposes and finally sitting on the sauic is the
settles stupendous |.r . .!>lc:a.
" COMFORTED BY THE GRINDING OP HANDEL BOOTH
AND THE WARBLINO OF WEDOWOOD."
Leader of Opposition had rather un-
easy time. GUEST (in khaki) jumped
up from his side and, with pistol held
at head of PREMIER — of course in Par-
liamentary sense of the words — insisted
upon day being given for discussion of
recruiting question. When he sat down
his esteemed Leader solemnly rose, his
THE PRIME MINISTER MAK:;IXI; TIME,
WITH AN EYE OX THE CIX)CK.
honourable and gallant ,
silence might appear to
consent to views express-
him."
Strangers in gallon-, cl
in khaki, pu/./li-d by peal of
laughter that followed this re-
mark. NVhat were they laughing
at?
Preserving best traditions of
Front ()]i]Misition U noli, Ciui-l.ix
chivalrously declared his full trust
in the Government to decide if
and when compulsory service
might be needed in best interests
of country.
Only person House really cared
to hear on subject was the
I'm iiiKii. Of the hour allotted
to discussion just nino minutes
left to him. More than sufficed.
Indeed, last half-minute served
for reply that for the time settled
everything.
"When," ho said, "the Gov-
ernment, without undue delay,
with as much deliberation as the
gravity of the subject demands,
arrive at their conclusions, they
will present them to the House,
and they will become the subject of
Parliamentary discussion."
Biuinessdone. — Parliament re- assem-
bled. Commons sat eighty minutes,
[jords thirty-five.
House of Lords, Wednesday.— House
wore gala aspect. Exceptionally large
attendance of Peers. Steps of Throne
jhronged *>y Privy Councillors. Gal-
.eries garlanded by ladies in summer
[rocks. Atmosphere of intense expecta-
tion.
Explanation forthcoming in an-
nouncement that WAB SECRETARY
would make important statement on
progress of War and present position
of campaign. Now would the veil per-
sistently spread by Press Bureau be
lifted. Now the public, who really
have some concern in the matter,
would be taken into full confidence.
Gossip and rumour, idle or vicious,
would be dispersed.
K. OF K. in his place on Ministerial
Bench with soldier -like punctuality.
On stroke of half-past four rose from
side of CREWE. Laid on Table packet
of type-written MS. \Yith head bent
over" it proceeded to read at rapid pace
in level voice. Chamlwr at best a bad
one to speak in even for a Peer who
stands upright, with head thrown back,
talking in measured and sonorous tones.
25-1
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [SEPTEMBER 22, 1915.
Elderly Caddie (discussing with golfer the very indifferent exhibition of another member). "You KNOW, HE DON'T BEALLY ENJOY
IISSELF. IT'S MORE OP A RELIGION WITH HIM THAN A GAME, SO TO SPEAK."
This rapid, unpunctuated, unempha-
sized reading of a paper hopeless.
Noble Lords sat in attitude of
strained attention waiting for dis-
closure of something new, striking,
peradventure cheering. What they
heard was a bald summary of com-
muniquds from Headquarters with
which the newspapers had long made
them familiar. Only new thing of any
importance was expression of opinion
that on Eastern front " the Germans
have almost shot their last bolt." From
so high authority, abnormally averse
from taking sanguine views, this
opinion was welcomed with muffled
cheer. Standing alone it scarcely
satisfied high-strung expectation.
When K. OP K. sat down a strange
thing happened. Noble lords sat in
mute surprise looking at each other.
Was this really all? Was the tale
ended ? Surely something must follow.
LORD CHANCELLOR sat motionless on
Woolsack, looking round silent benches.
Nobody rose. After awkward pause,
it seemed a full minute's duration, but
was probably only a moment, he re-
marked, "The House will now adjourn."
Which it forthwith did in dazed
condition.
Business done. — In the Commons j
PEEMIEB moved Vote of Credit for 250
millions, the seventh since outbreak of
the War, reaching in the aggregate the j
once fabulous sum of £1,362,000,000.
Thursday. — News from the Front.
It comes in a letter from a young
soldier writing to his father from
Gallipoli. Describing the brilliant
charge of the Yeomanry on Hill 70,
which took place on August 21st, he
says : " Wedgwood Benn was simply
a marvel."
He was always so regarded whilst
with us in the Commons. House will j
be glad to hear that in new circum- [
stances he is maintaining his reputa-
tion ; and his many friends will take
a personal pride in this tribute from a !
comrade who was with him in the
same gallant charge.
Long, occasionally lively, sitting,
extending to full time limit of eleven j
o'clock. Occupied with talk about :
relative merits of conscription and
voluntary service. Colonel ARTHUR
LEE, home from the War, opened fire
under former flag. Some sensation
created by deliberate statement made
by 3. H. THOMAS, authorized exponent
of views of railwayman throughout the
country, that if conscription be decreed
they will straightway stop work.
Ministers significantly abstained from
taking part in conversation.
Business done. — New Vote of Credit
passed Report stage.
Our Experts.
"It is always a matter of amour propre
with every commander to keep his adversary
ignorant of his dispositions, and let him find
them out for himself rather than supply the
information from his own side."
Military Correspondent of " The Daily News."
From Training Manual
Part II., in regard to making per-
manent joints in a broken cable : —
" Dip the joint into the liquid solder until a
sufficient quantity has been absorbed, and
then wipe it with a rag. Wash the joint with
water to remove the remains of the flux, dry
and serve wi th india-rubber tape and solution . ' '
We have often observed some such
dish as this at the Mess, and wondered
where the cook got the recipe from.
A Good Catch.
"FisH— RODD. — At St. Paul's Church,
Grangetown, September 8th, by the Rev. I).
Fisher, John Fish, of Newcastle, to Emily
Mary Kodd, of Cardiff (by licence)."
Western Mail.
RF.,.T,;MBKK 22, 1915.1 PUNCH, nil TIIK LONDON CII.\i:iV.\i:i.
Auctioneer (reproachfully). "WHAT I No ADVANCE on THREE SHILLINGS? WHY, TIIK ruTt-its BT THEUT is WORTH THAT! '
INDECISION.
(From the War Musings of a dyspeptic
Pacificist.)
Is the time to eat an apple after
" brekker,"
Or before ?
Will it mitigate the keenness of my
pecker,
Or, perhaps, a jaded appetite restore,
If I eat my apple first ?
Will it.spoil my coffee thirst?
After all, I think it wiser to refrain
Till the forenoon is a little on the
wane.
Is the time to eat an apple after lunch,
Or before ?
Now my lunch is quite a simple meal —
a hunch
Of bread-and-butter, cheese, and
nothing more.
If I prelude it with fruit,
And my gastric juice dilute,
I may throw my whole digestion out
of tune —
Oh, I'd better wait until the after-
noon !
Is the time to eat an apple after tea,
Or before ?
Here 's a problem that acutely int'rests
me
As a student of high dietetic lore ;
For the flavour of Oolong
Is delicate, not strong,
And the chances are the two will never
mi?;
So I think I '11 hold my apple up till six.
Is the time to eat an apple after dinner,
Or before?
Thougli it won't determine who 's to be
the winner
In the present sad and fratricidal
war,
The choice for me is serious,
Any error 's deleterious,
So I think I 'd best refer it, on the whole,
To the League of Gastronomical Control .
Is the time to eat an apple after supper,
Or before ?
I have searched in vain the works of
MARTIN TUPPEB
For proverbial instruction on this
score ;
And, having failed to find
Help from that colossal mind,
A wrinkle from the wise old Snark I '11
borrow,
And always eat my apple on the morrow.
"For this relief much thank*."
Mr. Punch begs to acknowledge
gratefully the anonymous gift of his
>wn and Toby's counterfeits admirably
done in relief out of local chalk by
officers in the trenches of France.
Things "The Timei" would have
expressed differently.
" The fact that Dr. J. W. Mack«il i« re-
sponsible for the introduction to the collection
of ' Modern Essays ' — a volume made up from
a selection of leading articles in The Timti
during the past five years— give* both author-
ity and value to the book."
Wesim\ntUr Gajutte.
News from Constantinople : —
"The munition factory at Makrikiont h_.
suspended work, owing to the want of row
material."— Netccaslle Keening Chrontcle.
That is not what stops munitions fac
tories here. Quite the contrary.
256
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [SEPTEMBER 22, 1915.
STOOPING TO CONQUER.
I CAN'T tell you where it was, because
that is an official secret, and if I divulge
an official secret the penalty is — well,
that 's an official secret too, I suppose.
Anyhow, boiling oil is a fool compared
with it.
I went up to a policeman whom I
saw at the gates. " Good afternoon,"
I began, waving my blue paper about ;
" I 've come to make high oxplo —
" Second on the right, third on the
left, second on the left again, fourth on
the right, first on the left, and keep
straight on till you come to a —
"Thanks," I interposed. "That's
about as much as I can remember for
a first instalment. Second on the left,
I think you said ? "
" Second on the right, third on the
left "
He was still going on with his recita-
tion when I passed out of earshot.
By dint of asking seven more police-
men and brandishing my blue paper in
a conspicuous manner, I at length
reached the office of which I was in
search. " Good afternoon," I said ;
" I 've come to make a high explo —
Someone took my blue paper away
from me as I was in the act of describ-
ing a peculiarly effective parabola with
it, and summoned me up to a desk.
" Sign the register, please, here — and
here," he said, thrusting the usual
cross-nibbed Government pen into my
hand and passing me a piece of that
charming Government blotting-paper
which blots in very truth. I did as he
requested, and then he handed me a
book of rules and a spade-guinea.
" No, really," I protested. " I
couldn't dream of accepting "
Then I found it was only a brass
disc with a number on it. " That is
your metal pass," the clerk explained.
" It must not be taken home as a
souvenir or worn on your watch-
chain, but must be dropped into the
box provided for it when you leave the
works to-night. You will commence
work in the Cartridge Factory this
afternoon."
" Where "s that ? " I asked.
" Second on the right, third on the
left "
"Thanks; I know that piece," I
remarked hurriedly and left the office.
With the assistance of a friendly pro-
fessional munitioner who didn't seem
to know what to do with a trolley full
of brass plates I at length found my
shed and duly presented myself to the
assistant-foreman. " Good afternoon,"
I said ; " I have come to " (and here I
made a twiddling motion with thumb
and forefinger) "roll cartridges."
The look of relief upon the man's
face when he saw that the munitions
problem had been solved at last was
good to behold. He beckoned me to
follow him, and, making our way amid
a perfect maze of wheels and belts, and
cylinders going up and cylinders com-
ing down, and pistons making drives
to the ol'f and pistons making hooks to
leg, wo at last reached a machine that
was half mangle and half copying-
press. On a ledge in front of it was a
boxful of brass thimbles. These were
embryo cartridges, my companion ex-
plained, and my job was to (official
secret) . . . and then to (official
secret) . . . after which, I had to
(official secret) . . . He also showed
me how to switch the engine on and
off, cautioning me at the same time not
to put the thimbles in upside down or
I should break the punch. He then
started the machine and left me . . .
A noise like a salvo of artillery nearly
startled me off my stool. My machine
had stopped. It had "downed tools."
I issued my first complete high ex-
plosive. " You 've put one in upside
down," chuckled a ribald youth on
the next machine. " Your punch is
broke."
I heaved a sigh of relief. From the
noise I judged that I had broken the
whole factory, and that I should have
to go and explain to Mr. LLOYD GEORGE
that in consequence the War couldn't
go on, and that the Government bad
better see about obtaining the best
Peace terms possible.
The assistant-foreman came up. I
quite expected him and was consumed
with curiosity to know which of my
ears he would elect to box. However,
he merely grinned, told me I had done
nothing startlingly original, and put
me on to another machine.
Then I got to work in earnest. For
three hours-and-a-half I stuck to my
job, and then the referee blew his
whistle. My machine kindly stopped
without any assistance from me, and I
heard someone say "Tea." In two
minutes we were all out in the yard
burrowing in our tea-baskets.
I was in the middle of my eighth
bloater-paste sandwich when I casually
looked up and saw the only man of the
V.M.B. I knew who was on the Satur-
day afternoon shift — Peter Travers.
We exchanged greetings. " Your cos-
tume," observed Peter, as he helped
himself to my cake, " would put the
shabbiest tramp juggler to shame."
" My oldest clothes," I said, " as per
advice from headquarters. What, may
I ask, are you doing in last week's
tennis flannels and a blazer embroidered
with the arms of the Thornton Heath
Chess and Draughts Club ? "
" I am sorry," said Peter, " but that
is an official secret. If you read the
Official Secrets Act of 1899 you will
find that — • By the by, what 's your
job?"
I drew myself up proudly. "I am
making cartridge-cases longer," I said.
"Good heavens!" exclaimed Peter.
" My job is to make 'em shorter ! \Vc Yc
merely undoing each other's work. Do
you think LLOYD GEORGE is aware of
this scandalous waste of energy? Let 's
go home."
We were still debating the matter
when six o'clock arrived, and we
followed the stream of workers back to
our respective sheds. Two hours later,
with several thousand others, we
attempted to board a motor-bus that
normally carried thirty passengers.
" It 's all right," said Peter, as wo
scrambled on top, " I 'in a trimmer.
I 'm merely taking the rough edges off
your slovenly work."
" Anyway," I answered, " whatever
else I 've been doing I 've most certainly
contracted permanent curvature of the
spine in my country's cause."
" And my back aches infernally,"
said Peter. " I wonder if there 's such
a disease as munitions-back — like
tennis-elbow, you know? "
" We 're merely suffering," I said,
" from a little unaccustomed strain
upon our sinews of war."
TO AN ALARUM.
TIMEPIECE whose tinkling clatter
With sudden fears untold
Has daily sought to shatter
My slumbers from of old,
Seeming to say, " Awaken !
That bed must be forsaken !
Be off to where the bacon
And eggs are getting cold ! "
Though, ere these days of battle,
Each morn at 7.10
He hailed your poignant rattle
With words one may not pen,
The author of these verses
No longer now rehearses
Those matutinal curses
He cast upon you then ;
But, leaping up and scorning
To snooze again and snore,
" Old chap," he cries, " good morn- |
ing!"
(And foots it round the floor).
" Eejoice, for we 're in clover !
Another night is over,
And lo, the Hun sky-rover
Has missed us both once more."
Another Quiet Wedding.
" The service was conducted by the Rev.
— , M.A., the bridegroom. The \\nl-
ding was of a quiet nature, owing to the
recent death of the bride." — Blackpool Tiiiics.
SKPTKMBEK 22, 1915.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON Cll \IIIVVRI
===:===============__:
MESSRS. HOPEFUL AND BOOMAGE,
,H:K,.: anew » *„„ OP WA» U, ,„:.,,
*« ' WITH SEW
Of J.IKK IS THB TBKCCHEB.
,S/,<//.Nas presents. Neatly packed, TA« OW Chdteau Exercises. Do not let Li«« o/ the Ltulrout. In ten volume*.
nth your card enclosed, if desired. Prom your muscles relax. 15s., post free. Delivered in the trenches (or a first payment
10s., post free. of 5^.
( YO U CANT MIT MP. )
J ROTTEN SHOT. I j .
• -' ' .
'-*&
Lifelike Ventriloquist's Figure. Natural movements of eyes, nose and mouth, with book on the art. Can be used to entertain your
comrades in the evenings, and during the day to draw the enemy's fire. 92$., postage M.
258
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [SEPTEMBER 22, 1915.
ANTI-AIRCRAFT.
I HELPED myself to the last piece
of toast, munched it thoughtfully and
turned to Henry.
"What are we going to do to-day?"
I asked.
Henry stroked the thing he calls his
moustache.
" To-day. Well, I shall take the bike
to pieces."
"Yes, but what are the men going
to do?"
Henry stopped stroking his mous-
tache. "Clean," he said. "First of
all they can clean the rooms, then they
can clean the gun, then they can
clean — er—
"Themselves."
"Yes. By the way, you're off this
afternoon? "
I smiled. " I am."
"Eight," said Henry. "Well, -I '11
start on the bike now. Er — you might
look at the rooms." And he went out.
Henry of course is my senior; we
obtained our commissions on the same
day, but his surname happens to begin
with a B, whereas mine begins with a
Y. He is therefore my senior by some
twenty-three letters, and on parade I
call him " Sir." I also inspect the
rooms.
At eleven o'clock, acting on my in-
structions, I put on my belt, took up
my stick and inspected the rooms.
They were clean. At twelve o'clock I
inspected the gun. It was clean. At
twelve - fifteen I inspected the men.
They were clean. At twelve-thirty I
inspected Henry: he was black and
oily-
Tired out with my morning's work
I returned to the mess, threw myself
into the comfortable chair and fell into
a light slumber, from which I was only
wakened by the enthusiastic mess
waiter distributing the lunch on the
floor.
It was just as we were finishing lunch
that the telephone bell rang.
I got up and answered it : it was the
Adjutant.
" Hullo," he said. " The Colonel is
coming over to inspect you this after-
noon."
I turned to Henry — the senior.
" Colonel coming over to inspect this
afternoon," I said.
" Help ! Tell him we shan't be at
home."
I turned to the instrument.
" Very good, Sir," I said to it. " About
what time?"
"Oh, during the afternoon."
We rang off.
Henry stroked the thing he calls his
moustache. "Dash," he said. "My
bike is all to pieces."
" The Colonel will only trouble about
the gun," I assured him.
Henry laughed bitterly. " I hate
these inspections."
" I don't mind them," I said airily.
I don't ; on such occasions I walk
behind and listen to Henry saying,
" Yes, Sir, it shall be altered."
" I don't mind them," I repeated.
"After all, it isn't the General."
"Very well, then, will you stay in
this afternoon? I hate them, and you
inspected this morning."
I began to alter my point of view;
it is one tiling to trot behind and watch
Henry with the Colonel ; it is quite
another to trot in front and be watched
by the Sergeant.
"Henry," I said, "be a man."
"Look here, old thing, you might —
" Of course," I said, " you are my
senior —
Henry is very sporting. " It isn't a
question of seniority, and of course you
take to-morrow afternoon off."
I walked up and down the room
(20 feet the double journey) and then
across it (9 feet). I thought of the
night when I had nearly shot at a
cloud and how Henry had restrained
me, swearing it wasn't a Zeppelin.
" Henry," I said, " I '11 do it."
He looked very relieved. " Sports-
man," he said, "I'll have to borrow
your pushbike."
" Do," I agreed ; " and now I "m
going to inspect the gun."
" But you did that this morning."
" Yes ; but this time I am inspecting
from a Colonel's point of view."
* * * ••'.• #
" During the afternoon " is a most
elastic term. I am not by any means
nervous, but I must admit that half-
way through the afternoon I had in-
spected the gun no fewer than ten
times, and the rooms and the men,
unofficially, at least five times. Inci-
dentally I had had a long chat with the
Sergeant. It was my first inspection.
At four o'clock the Colonel and the
Adjutant arrived. I explained that it
was Henry's afternoon out and he had
unfortunately gone before the tele-
phone message arrived — a very permis-
sible lie.
Then we inspected the gun. There
was just one slip ; it was when the
Colonel pointed to a new lighting
arrangement, an idea of Henry's.
"That lighting," he began.
"Yes, Sir," I said mechanically,
" 1 11 have that altered."
" I was going to say I thought it
distinctly good," he continued.
I tripped over the box of spare parts
and apologised. The rest of the busi-
ness was uneventful.
Just before they left the Adjutant
took me on one side and spoke confi-
dentially for a few minutes.
" You see? " he finished.
" Very good, Sir," I said. I went, in
smiling and waited for Henry's return.
Eventually he came back, sleepy and
tired.
"Everything all right?" he inquired.
" It was an excellent show," I replied
modestly. " But they 're horrid things,
inspections."
" Horrid," he agreed. " Well, I think
I '11 go to bed now. Wake me at two."
He yawned and murmured something
blatant about night watches. " Good
night."
" Good night," I said. " Oh, by the
way, Henry, the Adjutant took me on
one side before they left. It appears
their inspection had — er — a particular
significance."
Henry looked surprised. "Why?
Nothing doing to-night ? "
"No, not to-night," I said. "To-
morrow afternoon."
" To-morrow afternoon. What ? "
"The — er — General is coming over
with Major Smith, the air - craft
specialist."
" Lord ! "
" He will probably ask you to run
through some drill. He doesn't want
it known, though. Everything to go on
as usual." I paused. " Everything to
go on as usual, Henry. I was wonder-
ing if you would lend me your motor-
bike," I added.
Henry stroked the thing he calls his
moustache.
A Sham Dum-Dum.
Mr. Punch has been requested to
warn the public against a man who
has for some time been fraudulently
impersonating Captain JOHN KENDALL,
B..A. ("Dum-Dum " of Punch). Anyone
receiving a begging letter or a visit from
this impostor should communicate with
the police, to whom he is known.
" Along the line Nowi Troki to Mejszagola
and Podberezie, the latter not to be con-
founded with Podbrodzie, the Germans
strongly entrenched themselves weeks ago."
Morning Paper.
We regret to say that for many years
we have been guilty of this confusion,
just as the Editor of the Novoe Vrcmya
has found it impossible to distinguish
Llanfairfechan from Llanfrechfa.
' ' There is being raised in the neighbourhood
of Westminster Palace a group by Rodin, the
illustrious French sculptor, of the burglars of
Calais, with halters round their necks, coming
to implore the pardon of King Edward."
Scotsman,
New Scotland Yard would appear to be
the place for these historic house-
breakers.
Si:rn:Miu;i: '2'2, 191T,.] PTINTTf HI?
Recruit. " YES, YES ! BUT DON'T TALK TO ME NOW, THERE 'a A GOOD GUU.. I 'VE GOT TO GET HEAD* TO IAI.CTB THIS omcnu'
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)
THE .appearance of a new novel by Mr. COMPTON MAC-
KENZIE is always, even in these days, something of an event.
Therefore I opened Guy and Pauline (SECKEH) with a lively
expectation, which — let me add at once — was by no means
disappointed. But having said this I must also say that
ii/ and Pauline is not in the least the kind of book I was
prepared to find it. It reveals Mr. MACKENZIE in a quite
new manner, as far removed from the passionate vitality of
Carnival as from the realism, perhaps a little aggressive, of
Sinister Street. Here is miniature painting, most ex-
quisite and delicate in workmanship, devoted entirely to the
portrayal of an episode in the lives of two persons. Guy
and Pauline is the love-story of that friend whom Michael
Fane (you may remember) left to rusticate in an old-world
rillage, while he himself pursued the more strenuous life.
[ have called it a love-story, and the description was surely
lever better deserved, for Guy and Pauline is about love
Tom beginning to end. Had it been written fifty years ago
t might have had as sub-title "or, The Long Engagement."
Mr. MACKENZIE has, in fact, set himself as hard a task as
could well be imagined : to recount the gradual waxing and
waning of attachment between two young persons, both
panning, solicitous for each other, and — as is the habit of
modern youth — somewhat too introspective to be able to
frasp happiness for thinking about it. Guy Hazltwood
vas the man, and the girl was Pauline, youngest of the
ihree daughters of the Wychford Rectory, as wholly
delightful a family, by the way, as any in fiction. But
with their engagement began Mr. MACKENZIE'S difficulties.
He had to show how from day to day the small restrictions
and uncertainties of their position (since Guy could not do
the obvious thing and marry Pauline out of hand) gradually
undermined the devotion of each, changing adoration at last
to something like antipathy. I doubt if any other writer
could have displayed his hero and heroine getting thug on
the nerves of one another without producing that effect
upon the reader. As it is, the story is so steeped in external
beauty (by a happy inspiration its progress is marked only
by the names of the passing seasons) that not till the end
does it reveal itself as tragedy. Guy and Pauline, in short,
is a book that, while it may exasperate tho impetuous, will
be hailed by the reflective as an achievement.
Whether the dialect in Journeys with Jerry the Jarcey
(SMITH, ELDER), by ALKXIS ROCHE, is authentic or not is a
question that must be left to experts. I am content to
think it sound because Mr. ROCHE seems to know Ins
jarvey. But a Saxon may well find three hundred con-
secutive pages of Jerry's idiom a little trying. This
particular Saxon confesses as much quite frankly, and
furthermore that he has the impression of but a poor
pennyworth of wit to an intolerable deal of whisky. It is
a simple fact that the alcoholic joke in all but the subtlest
hands is dangerously liable to pall. Whether the vagaries
of a drunken lunatic, or the incident of some old maids at *
tea-party unwittingly swallowing a powerful emetic, or a
squireen at a shoot followed over hill and dale by the
mother of his illegitimate offspring, or Jerry himself pros-
trate in a rowing boat in a heavy swell, can be made
2GO
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [SEPTEMBER 22, 1915.
sufficiently diverting by tactful treatment is a speculative their conclusions. To my own thinking, Three Gentleman
question that may be left to tho curious. Myself, I am i From New Caledonia is by no means a specially dis-
conscious that Jerry's painstaking chronicler leaves me tinguishecl example of detective fiction. Its joint authors,
strangely cold, and 1 rather imagine that this is just the Messrs. R. D. HEMINGWAY and HBNHY DE HALSALUB, start
kind of book that lovers of Ireland don't particularly care', indeed with a promising situation, the escape from a penal
to see published. settlement of three convicts, a gang of thieves who return
I to civilisation burning to revenge themselves upon the man
You may recall how MAKCIAKKT BAILLIE-SAUNDERS had! who betrayed them. They continue with some pleasant,
the singular good fortune to publish a novel of Belgian life, if familiar, thrills about rogue-life in Paris and the bo ; >
called The lielfnj, at the very moment when the attention buyers of Amsterdam. But their whole method suffers
one is never sure
At the Front — Somsiolifra in England.
I am quite
( well.
\ ill.
,r.. i smashed.
Mi/ windows are j jiif ^
I have
\a \ crater in my
| no j
| front \
I
ijurden.
of the world was focussed upon the scenes it described. She
has now followed up this chance topicality by a deliberate
one. Captain The Cur& (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) is a
story of Belgium in the agony of invasion. It is a fine
story, written with passion, by one who clearly knows, and i was my own fault,
feels deeply for, the people about
whom she writes Its main w<>rdg Qr hrases not required may
theme is the etlect produced t,e erased.
upon a young priest of Louvain
by the martyrdom, by death and
worse, of two Belgian girls. Marie
and Ottile were two sisters of
contrasting natures ; the one, all
purity and devotion, is done to
death in the first hours of the
German orgie ; the other accepts
life at a price, becomes a camp-
follower of the Huns, and subse-
quently, under torment, a spy.
Meanwhile the death of Marie
has so worked upon the priest
Van Susterens that he renounces
his vows and all religion except
that of vengeance, and becomes
a soldier. What happens after-
wards to him and to the un-
fortunate Ottile is the matter of
the tale. The setting of it is
perhaps even more impressive
than the action. There is some-
thing almost like inspiration
about the fury with which the
author speaks of infamies which
by now we are becoming in some
danger of taking for granted. I
should like to prescribe this story
for an early stage in the treat-
ment of those well-meaning im-
beciles who still try to " make
allowances" for Germany's
crimes. A book, in short, for the lending-shelves of
anyone with pro-German acquaintances.
from what seemed to me an exasperating confusion of
attack. Instead of going straight ahead on any one point,
they indulge in so many nibbles here and there that
what they would be at. Perhaps it
The publishers anticipate that the
story's appeal will be " almost
universal " ; so I can only sup-
pose that I represent the qualify-
ing adverb, and leave it at that.
f saw
I missed seeing j
\ slept
\ did not sleep a wink
\ back
the Zeppelin.
\ the ivhole niijJtt.
Grandmother bshaved
T , ( follows.
LMer \does not folio,,:
.,
unLiKz
\abrick.
Signature
only
I
Date
Mn. PUNCH'S SUGGESTION FOR A ZEPPELIN POST-
CARD FOR SENDING TO ANXIOUS FRIENDS AT ONE OF
THE OTHER FRONTS.
This appears to be an era of competitive fiction. I am
becoming quite used to the appearance of the novel that
arrives bearing upon its cover the trophies of success in
some contest for publication. This indeed is all very
well. Quite probably the statement (to give the particular
instance I have in mind) that Three Gentlemen From New
Caledonia (STANLEY PAUL) carried off a prize of three
hundred pounds may stimulate public curiosity and conse-
quent sales. What, speaking as a reviewer, 1 could wish
is that when the distinguished judges, " specially selected
to represent a variety of tastes," have made their award
they would retire and leave me to my own unprompted
opinion, instead of suggesting the excellences of the volume
in enthusiastic paragraphs on the cover. I am the more
inclined to cavil at this practice because, with the best will
in the world, I found myself hopelessly at variance with
Mr. THOMAS COBB is an inde-
fatigable producer of artless tales
for the mitigation of the boredom
of the entirely unexacting. Tin-
Busy Whisper (CHAPMAN) is the
chatter that followed Humph nj
Fortress's fickleness in getting
tired of the much too good and
virtuous Gertrude and becoming
interested in Jacintha, the more
human and winning. Also,
Jacintha s father, growing unduly
interested in a married lady, and
having to pay two thousand
pounds " within a fortnight " as
a result of the action Banking
v. Banking and Barnard, the
busy whisper occupies itself with
that. . . . What I really liked
bsst was Bobby, the red-headed,
who eventually bagged Jacintha,
being so sure of his commission
that " What 's more, I 've ordered
some service uniform on the
strength of it." I can imagine
the courteous Snipps, "And what
can we do for you this morn-
ing?" and Bobby, nonchalantly,
" Oh, some service uniform,
please." To whom Snipps:
"And how much, pray, Sir?" "Oh, quite a lot, please."
And so forth. And I also liked a man who drank a glass
of whisky and soda-water. I appreciated the classic pre-
cision of the phrase. And still the secret of Mr. COBB'S
art escapes me.
Strange Craft.
I. — THE ADAPTABLE LINERS.
" Almost all linersat times carry passengers, and, not infrequently,
tramp steamers as well." — Sunday Paper.
II. — THE AMPHIBIOUS SUBS.
"It is reported from Mytilene that after sinking the Barharossa,
gunboat and transport, the two submarines went on shore and shullc.l
a column of troops marching towards Gallipoli." — The, liriton.
Another Impending Apology ?
"The Archbishop of York is taking a holiday fur the first three
weeks of the present month, ' in order to get some time for much-
needed thinking and reading.' " — The Scotsman.
'29, 1915.]
ITNril, OR TIIK U)NI)().\ CHARIVARI
CHARIVARIA.
The CHANCELLOH OF TIIK K\nn;.,>rKi;,
on learning that the enemy's attempts
088 I In- Save had boon ivpulsed,
was heard to nuininir :
•• This ]i:ir:iili>x, pritlirr, IT
(In the door of ll.M.'s Tivasiiroe,
•Tin' loiiH'1'' »'>• »taj OH thi> Savo
Tin- g lonei w x<> on the Spree.' "
.;•.
Mr. LLOYD GEORGE'S controversial
methods are mellowing. There was a
time when ho would not liiivo liesitated
to accuse his critics of emitting poison-
ous gas. Nowaday-, lie contents liiin-
si'lf with the remark that they have
I "whole cylinders of fervour
and ferocity." ... .;.
' ••':• '
Our public departments are waking
up. A cargo of sugar
wliicb arrived in Glasgow
recently was found to be
on lire. The secretary of j
the local branch of the
Helmed Sugar Association !
thought it his duty to,
telegraph the news to the
Sugar Commission, and
promptly received the fol-
lowing helpful reply: "Call
out Fire Brigade ; inform
the police."
:;: :;:
*
Surprise has been ex-
•d as to the means
by which the two officers
who escaped from Don-
ing! on Hall managed to
.ito a tunnel 220 feet
in length underneath the
main boundary fence. But
the police have a clue.
Another escaped German
is described as having "a
mole on his cheek."
* *
A Danish correspondent with the
Austrian army says that the Galician
roads are bottomless swamps and that
" automobiles can make no progress
unless draw 11 by six horses each." The
purists who always objected to the
" auto " are now on firmer ground than
un; not at all pleased with his now film-
tax.
Certain gentlemen in the neighbour-
hood of Fleet Street woro greatly per-
turbed on Budget day by a rumour that
War-prophets were tohesperially taxed,
and a reminder that they had been for
gome time past, subjected to a consider-
able discount seemed to bring them little
comfort. # ^
General EUSSKY'S parting me
to Field-Marshal vox HINI>I-:N]II;UO: —
" He that Wilna when he may . . ."
An officer in Flanders writes : —
" You can always spend a pleasant
hour watching the anti-aircrafts — for
some unknown reason called ' Archi-
Sergeant. "TAKE THAT FI<AQ OUT o' YER BUTTON-HOLE, M' LAD. RE-
MEMBER THIS is THE BRITISH ARMY. WE DON'T WANT NOSE o' YEB
PATRIOTISM HERE."
ever.
* if
*
"Smallest plots should be cultivated"
was the headline attached to a recent
speech of Dr. MACNAMARA. But you
are not to understand that the SECRE-
TARY OK i HI: ADMIRALTY approves con-
spiracy against the Government.
" So glad all
ed," said
*
settled
and
"agony
pictures
in The
addressed to " E." the day after
the Budget. But if " E." stands for
KU-.IN Ai.n Mi'Kr.SN.v we regret to have
to inform him that American " pictures "
balds' — missing the 'planes not once,
but twenty times a minute." In
Ame;ica the air is clearer, and an
ARCHIBALD brought down an Ambas-
sador at the first attempt.
=;: $
On the retirement of a Windsor
postman it is revealed that he often
came into contact with members of the
Eoyal Family, and that on one occasion
a Princess asked him to deliver a mes-
sage for her. This breach of the pos-
tal regulations has been reported to the
POST.MASTEK-GENERAL, who has, how-
ever, mercifully decided to take no
action against the illustrious offender.
Sf *
" A month ago," the Neuestc Nach-
ricliti'n informs us, " Lloyd George, and
all England with him, spoke with bated
breath of the fearful Eussian suction-
pipe which was to exhaust Germany
. . . To-day it is a far different cry.
The Eussian hammer is smashed."
Happily, the other imp
to be still going strong.
per declares that " the
shadows of poverty and want" in
Britain will be filially dispersed " by
the all-potent and (lashing sword-
thrusts of the all highest V,\\
himself." \Ve note with interest this
confirmation of the belief that the
K u>i:ic tights with shadows.
A correspondent of the Fov
/.I'ltnuij just returned from London
says that respectable male citizens of
London on Sunday mornings dress
themselves in their Sunday be*t, and
with their " gilt-edged hymnhooks
under their arms " (no allusion to the
Stock Kxc.hange) repair to a crowded
gambling and drinking
club in the neighbourhood
of a church, where they
pass the hours of divine
service. They then return
to their homes, where they
discuss with their wives
and children the points of
the sermons they are
supposed to have heard.
Where do they pick up
these secrets of our na-
tional life ? It seems that
the spy-peril has not been
exaggerated.
•:•• *
The cow which walked
down twenty stairs into
the basement of a shop at
Eeading is believed to have
mistaken the cellar for a
byre. , ,:
A Tommy writing home
: from the Dardanelles, after
describing the closeness of our trenches
the enemy, concludes
other morning I was
to those of
thus :— " The
using a periscope as a looking-glass
for shaving, and when I had finished
found I had shaved a Turk."
Agricultural Chemistry.
Extract from an Indian landowner's
letter to a Government adviser : —
" And in order to use the improved system
(of cultivation) I beg you very kindly to suggest
•A book on Pharmacy."
"There are few families who can boast of
such a patriotic record as Mr. and Mrs. Clark,
of Woodhead Street, New Ferry, who have
no fewer than six sons serving their King and
country. With the exception of the eldest
s->n James, who has 131 years' service in the
artillery, the brothers all enlisted after the
declaration of war." — Birketihead Neics.
Although the War is dragging a bit, it
is hoped, with some confidence, that
James's record will remain unbroken.
VOL. CXI. IX.
262
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [SEPTEMBER 29, 1915.
TO MR. McKENNA.
After Swinburne's " The Oblation."
[Duty has been proposed on cocoa, tea, clocks, cinema films, musical
instruments, etc.]
ASK something more of me, please ;
All that you mention I'll do;
Bless your dear heart, were it more,
More would I give at a squeeze —
Gold for our worrying through,
Notes for the sinews of war.
"Pis but a trifle to raise ;
So I may gladden your eyes,
Willingly up will I stump,
Watching with patriot gaze
Cocoa and clocks as they rise,
Films and bassoons on the jump.
I that have nothing to spare
Cheerfully part with the same ;
Little I envy their pile,
Misers that grudge you your share ;
His is the joy of the game,
His who can pay with a smile. O. S.
ONE OF THE BULLDOG BREED.
[" An indent is a wondrously perfected device for whitening the hair
of the officer involved." — Mr. ARXOLD SEXXETT in "The Daily
News."]
Lieut, and Acting-Quartermaster Denton-Smythe sat in
his office prepared for the nerve-racking process of filling
in the daily indent. Summoning up that courage which is
instinctive in the British oflicer, he opened Army Book B 55
and wrote the name of his unit, " H Bty. 999th Bde.
R.F.A." on the top line. Without resting after the mental
strain involved he filled in the word " One " in the space
for "No. of day's rations required;" and again, without
pause, filled in the date, " Sept. 20th," in the space for
" Date when rations are required."
Many men would have taken a rest at this point, but
Lieut. Denton-Smythe was made of sterner stuff. He
only paused long enough to dip his pen in the ink and then
entered the number 112 in the space for " No. of officers,
warrant officers, non-com, officers and men," and the
number 112 in the space for " No. of rations required."
The unflinching sense of duty which characterises our
officers was never better exemplified than in the case of
Lieut. Denton-Smythe. Even after the exhausting mental
effort required to calculate that 112 men would require
112 rations he would not yield to exhaustion.
Again dipping his pen in the ink with the same deter-
mination with which he would have thrust a bayonet
through a German, he put the number 126 in the space
provided on the form for " No. of horses ;" and again, with
no outward sign of brain fatigue, he calculated the number
of rations required for 126 horses and entered the number
126 in the space provided.
Then, gathering together what remained of his superb
energy, he signed his name at the foot of the document
and laid down his pen.
Here one would like to be able to say that he was free
to rest — to go on leave for a week, and, attended by loving
members of his family, or by one even dearer than they, to
recuperate his jaded brain and shattered tissues.
But the Army regulations are callous, and no such happy
ending is possible, unless we tamper with truth.
The- gallant officer had laid down his pen, but his task
was still incomplete. He had yet to detach the indent
from the book. This done he rose and, with a supreme
effort, opened the door and said, "Corporal, send this to
the Supply Office. " Then he collapsed.
THE SIGNAL.
Mr the multitudinous charms and stately sweet-
nesses of Audrey, much might be written, but as this is to
be an article, as opposed to a book, and as young goddesses,
being but human, may he spoilt by a too candid worship,
I will here confine myself to her single fault. Audrey is
romantic, nay more, she is mediffival. When recently I
approached her with a certain momentous question, she
was fresh from half-a-dozen versions of the " Tristram and
Iseult " legend, and to say that she was full of it is to put
the case feebly. The sick lover was to infer, you remember,
from the white or black sail on the good ship &»•<<« whether
his affaire was going smoothly or quashed for ever ; and
Audrey proposed to tell me my fate by a modernised treat-
ment of the idea. After a clear week for reflection, she
would meet me by appointment, and if she came clad in
brilliant hues I might go to the jewellers' at once for the
ring; but if the tints of her attire were "neutral" all
would be over, and I could interview the chemist, with
an order for strychnine, at my earliest convenience.
The fateful night arrived, and Audrey's ensemble flung
me into mingled triumph and despair. Even to my dull
masculine eyes the run of her tints was appallingly neutral ;
but there was one solitary gleam of hope. She wore on
her breast a screaming red rosette which would have
spoilt the beauty of any ordinary girl. Poor tongue-tied
coward, I lacked the nerve to insist on an answer outright,
and we proceeded with the agenda of the evening, which
consisted of a theatre, a modest War-supper, and a taxi
home. I trust never again to pass through such torments
of doubt and suspense. At last, as we stood on the steps
of "The Lindens," where Audrey dwells, I could no longer
silence my anguish.
" Tell me, dearest," I whispered, hoarse with emotion,
" tell me, and put rne out of my pain. Are these tints to
be taken as brilliant or neutral ? "
"You silly boy," she replied, "as if I could dress in
bright colours now-a-days ! Why, you can't get anything
in that line fit to make up for love or money ! "
A great wave of hope surged over me.
" But this thing," I cried, pointing to the scarlet abomina-
tion on her breast, " it means ? "
" Sh — h — h !-" she whispered. " It 's a dead secret, and
papa would disinherit me if he found out. I stole his Civic
Volunteer brassard and made a temporary rosette of it.
That seemed the handiest way to show what I mean ! "
My memory has as yet failed to reconstruct fully
the next whirling moment, but it is thought, from the
undeniable dustiness of my knees on the following morning,
that I behaved in the best sixteenth-century style. Amhv\
informs rne that a special on duty outside " Menaggio,"
four doors away, paused as if in doubt whether to arrest
me or riot, and at last gave a furious stamp and strode off
in disgust. It may be that long years had dimmed the
memory of his own youth. Or possibly his feet were cold.
Clear as Hud.
" Mr. Withers knows all the machinery of the money market, and
he has a lucid style which makes matters plain normally very
mysterious and technical to the layman." — Adrt. in " Corn/till."
The right answer to the hospitable "Say when" is "After
the War."
PUNCH, OK TIIH LONDON" CHARIVARI. SHPTBMBBH 29, [915.
THE BALKAN QUESTION.
EOUMANIA. "COMING IN, FERDIE?"
BULGARIA. "WELL, I'M NOT SUEE THAT I SHAN'T. I'M FEELING A BIT LESS NEUTRAL
JUST NOW."
SEPTEMBER 29. 1915.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
V. A. D. Nurse. "On, DEAR! WHAT SHALL I DO? A LIGHT DIET HAS EATEN UP A FULL DIET!'
DOING HIS BIT.
MINISTERS prate of economy ;
Threats of compulsion are rife ;
You still preserve your autonomy,
Lead a luxurious life.
Daintiest footwear to tread upon,
Raiment of glossiest silk,
Downiest cushions to bed upon,
Diet of creamiest milk.
Must we convict you of vanity,
Gay little dog of Pekin ;
Deem you a whelp of Inanity,
Crossed with Original Sin ?
Can you be deaf to the clarion
Call of a nation in arms ?
Are you contented to carry on
Wrapped in effeminate charms ?
Aping the tricks of Society,
Pitiful slave of your maw,
Begging, though gorged to satiety,
Giving a dandified paw ?
No ; for, though sprung from another
land,
Freely you serve in your way,
Eager to " Die for the Motherland "
Dozens of times in a day.
The Repentant Murderer.
Extract from the letter of a girl to
her friend : —
"... Wo have had two Zeppelins over here
this week, one last night which mother saw
going to church, and one on Tuesday . . . ."
"LADY would like to meet occasionally
elderly lady living alone for companionship.'
Glasyow Herald.
This type of occasionally elderly lady
is only to be found in Ireland.
From an essay on the Press Censor-
ship by an L.C.C. scholar aged nine : —
1 ' When a man prints something that the
Government don't wish the people to know
the newspapers leave a blank. It is called
stop-press news."
Vestments for the Church Militant.
From a Parish Magazine : —
" We have also been presented with a red
cope, which is very nice, b.it unfortunately
the boxing gloves for which an appeal was
made have not yet appeared."
From a German description of the
fighting in the West : —
•• With faint shrieks, like scared little birds.
the French infantry whizzed over our head*."
Venwn News (Britiih Columbia).
Hence the name " piou-piou."
" If the airship is near or overhead, lie down
and get on the lee side of a wall, which will
break the blast, should a bomb explode near
at hand, placing that wall between yourself
and the window or windows." — Daily Mail.
We fear the portable wall will present
some difficulties.
" WANTED, CKI.I.AHMAN, one illegible for
military service, live in preferred."
Yorkthire Pott.
Whilst living in his subterranean retreat
he might try to improve his hand-
writing.
266
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [SEPTEMBER 29, 1915.
THE SHIRKER.
I HAD never beaten Petherby ; not
that he is a billiard expert, but merely
that I am a rabbit. A masterly series
of two nursery cannons, varied some-
times by (and very occasionally coupled
with) a hazard is all I aspire to. Peth-
erby, on the other hand, can generally
manage to score something every time,
and not infrequently runs into some
of the humbler double figures. The
truth is that I do not possess the
discriminating eye of a DIGGLE for
the niceties of angles. But I have one
facility of which I am proud and to
which I shall allude later.
A few weeks ago, at Petherby's house,
I found him in one of his rare off' moods.
These off moods of his generally signify
that he beats me by a mere
150 or so in 250 up, instead
of by the more customary
margin of 200 or more.
But on the night in
question Petherby was
playing so shockingly and
I so brilliantly (on two
successive visits to the
table I had played for
safety and scored a clear
board each time), that at
length I was 240 to his
247. It was my turn to
play.
My first stroke, though
not exactly yielding the
result I had in mind, was
nevertheless a most satis-
factory and comprehensive
one. I made a cannon off
the red, and then my ball
and Petherby's mysteri-
ously disappeared down
nique was concerned, but I felt that by
careful aiming (so as to hit the paint
without disturbing the ivory, as I ex-
pressively put it when narrating the
incident to Pilkington) I could manage
to run in. So I took a deliberate aim
and pressed my cue gently forward.
Slowly, slowly my ball trickled up the
table, straight as a die all the way. It
was only a few inches from the red and
still running true when the electric
lights went out. At the same instant
a loud report was heard, followed
immediately by a second and third.
" Zepps ! " cried Petherby. " Where 's
my umbrella ? "
" There 's other game afoot," I cried,
as I fumbled for my cigarette-lighter.
The wick flamed up. I hurried to
the top of the table. My ball was in
"GET BACK BELGIUM? GET IT BACK? You WAIT TILL YON CHAPS
CAMPIN" ON THE 'ILL GETS OUT THERE I IP THEY CAN'T GET IT BACK
NO OTHER WAY THEY'LL PI.VCK III"
different
pockets. Petherby applauded with
the butt of his cue upon the floor.
" Good shot, Sir ! " he remarked sar-
castically. " What a pity it didn't all
come off ! "
"All come off ! " I said with hauteur.
" Why, it did all come off — much
better than I could have hoped for
even in my most sanguine moments.
What do you mean ? "
" Oughtn't the red to have done
something — gone, down a pocket, for
the pocket. " Hurrah ! " I shouted
joyfully. " Game to me ! "
" On the contrary," said Petherby,
craning his neck over my shoulder,
" it 'a my game. You 've given three
away ! That red 's never budged a
hair's-breadth, I '11 swear."
" Rot ! " I retorted. " I couldn't
possibly have missed. I was dead on
the edge of the red when the lights
went out."
" Can you solemnly affirm you heard
the balls click ? "
" Of course not, you ass"," I replied.
" How could I through that beastly
firing ? On the other hand, did you
see me miss ? "
"How could I in the dark?" he
answered testily.
" Exactly," I said. " I couldn't hear;
you couldn't see. As you maintain
that the red hasn't moved, the fairest
thing will be for me to play the shot
The red was up the table close to the again. Do you happen to have a
the servant entered. " If you please,
Sir," she said, "the police sergeant has
just been, and said you 're wanted at
once at the station."
" I must go immediately," said
Petherby, struggling into his jacket.
" What a nuisance these Zepp raids
are, interfering with one's amusements
in this way ! Really, I—
" Half a jiffy ! " I cried as Petherby
moved to the door. " Wait while I play
that shot again. Anybody would think
there was a panic from your positively
indecent haste."
" Sorry," said Petherby, edging oft,
"but duty is duty. Where would my
crest of five oysters rampant gule< on
a plat du jour argent be if my knightly
ancestors had preferred billiards to
duty ? So long ! "
| " There 's a precedent
i for it," I retorted. " How
j about DRAKE'S game of
bowls ? "
But Petherby was half-
way down the staircase.
" Shirker!" I yelled after
him as I realised that the
issue must remain un-
decided. But stay- —
"Mary, "I said, "would
you take this lighter and
hold it close to the red
ball — so ? Now, I want
you to watch the red ball
carefully and tell me if this
white one, which I am
going to play, touches it."
I placed my own ball
back in baulk, took a long
and cai'eful aim, and then
. . . somehow I managed
to miscue.
" No, Sir, it didn't hit the red one,"
said Mary, as my ball stopped a few
inches from the baulk-line.
I pretended to heave a sigh of re-
lief. "Thank goodness!"! exclaimed.
" Properly to explain the object and
Mary, would
technicalities
instance ?
the game.
Then you would have won
As it is
" Petherby," I said sternly, " re-
member, please, that there are three
balls, six pockets, and certain laws of
coincidence which must operate at
times. In that stroke I distinctly see
the finger of Providence. You are
not intended to win this game.
look at the position of the red."
Just
left cushion. To pot it was an im- candle on you ?"_
possibility as far as my limited tech- There was a knock at the door and j
effect of that stroke,
necessitate my using
which you would probably not under-
stand. I think, under the circum-
stances, you had better not mention to
Mr. Petherby that I required your
assistance. He might consider it an
abuse of his hospitality."
" Very good, Sir," said Mary as she
exchanged the cigarette - lighter for
half-a-crown.
Sir JOSEPH LYONS on the Budget : —
"The British people have given their sons
and their fathers and their brothers to carry
on the war, and they are not going to kick
even if they have to give their boots to help
to support them." — Evening News.
We ourselves never kick with our
boots off.
SEPTEMBER 29. 1915.] PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
I'.KLLONA'S HEM.
THK MISTAKK.
TIIKHI-: is no nerd to specify the res-
taurant. It is famous for its Knglish
joints, and is just now much visited
l.y ('Hirers on leave who wish to c;ii
together, just- as a cerium subterranean
grill room is the favourite resort of
oflicers on leave wlien, as not in-
in .|iu ntly happens, tliey entertain the
other sex.
To one of the tables, thoughtfully
provided with so many chairs that
ba have ever heen out of the ques-
tion here, camo two lieutenants, very
ohviousK oil duty for a hrief season
and rejoicing in their liberty ; and he
who was acting as host, and had long
since settled all doubts as to what their
meal was to consist of, flung out the
order for roast beef almost before he
was sealed ; Hung it out too as though
expecting as instant a response from
the staff as he gets from his men, all
unmindful that this restaurant has
leisurely processes of its own, carefully
acquired and perfected during many,
many years.
Meanwhile the saddle of mutton was
wheeled to my side and some unusually
attractive slices were separated from
it by a knife like a razor and laid
before me.
I saw the lieutenants eyeing my
plate with ill-concealed envy; but beef
was in their minds. Beef had been in
their minds for toilsome weeks, and
they did not bstray their friend. At
least not wholly, but I fancy the host
wavered.
" I wonder," he began, and said no
more, for the beef arrived on its little
11, and their plates were soon
covered with it.
It was not one of the most successful
of the house's joints, and again I caught
their eyes directed towards my saddle.
Was it too late? their expression silently
asked. Yes, it was. Besides, they had
come there to eat beef. Nothing like
beef!
The lieutenants attacked with vigour,
but they still glanced rnuttomvards now
and then, meditatively, between bites.
Then the host spoke. It was in an
undertone, but I heard, because at this
restaurant, as I have said, there are no
secrets. " I wonder if we oughtn't to
have had saddle," he murmured.
" It looks jolly good," said the other.
They ate on.
" Do you think the beef is absolutely
top-hole to-day?" the host asked.
" I 've known it better," replied the
other.
They ate on.
" I rather wish we 'd had mutton,"
said the host. " After all— saddle, you
Policeman (cautioning Impostor). "As1 NOT BO MCCII OF THK
THERE WEREN'T NO BANTAMS WHEN YOU WAS KI.DIHISIIIN
'OLD 8 LDIHU' STCXT.
know. It 's not too common. Beef we
can always get in some form or other
— not like this, of course, but beef —
whereas saddle, saddle 's rare. I wish
you 'd reminded me of the saddles
here."
" We 'd settled on beef long ago,"
said the other, performing prodigies of
valour witli his knife and fork.
"I know;, but it was foolish not to
look at the-Hjill of fare. I should have
thought of it then."
They still ate heartily.
" No chance of getting here again for
goodness knows how long," said the
host.
The other dismally agreed.
" Could you manage a slice of saddle
after this ? " the host asked after a
busy interval.
" Sorry I couldn't," replied the other,
through a mouthful which a lion would
not disdain.
" I don't believe I could either," said
the host. "What a bore! I shall
always regret not having had mutton."
" So shall I," said the other.
At this moment the empty seat next
to me was filled, and to the enquiry of
the head waiter, whose duty it ia to ask
these questions and then disappear, the
customer replied, " Saddle, of course.
That 's all one comes here for."
Both the lieutenants groaned audibly.
Full though they were, their lunch,
already ruined by me, was ruined once
more.
"THE TYPHOON AT SHANGHAI.
Most of the German - owned yachts were
lost." — OrerlanA China Mail.
Doubtless the German Ambassador at
Peking has demanded compensation
for the non-neutral behaviour of the
typhoon.
268
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [SEPTEMBER 29, 1915.
CAMP QUARTERMASTERING.
ii.
Matilda rather misled me on the
question of buying meat. She said
that there was no particular trick about
it ; that all you have to do is to go to
a place where they sell meat and buy
it, taking care that you get the right
weight and that the man does not
throw too much bone and bits of
sheep's head and cow's feet on the
scale. She said that a purveyor of
meat is easily identified because he
wears a peculiar blue costume and that
the only other person you can possibly
mistake for him is a wounded soldier.
I got into the right kind of place
first time and said, " I should like to
sea some meat."
The man didn't take any notice of
me until he had finished cutting off
and wrapping up in newspaper a lump
of meat for a ready-money customer.
Then he said, " What kind of meat ? "
"Beef and mutton and such like
things."
The butcher affectionately slapped
the piece of meat which he had been
carving and said, " That 's a nice piece
of steak."
" How much meat have you got
there? " I asked.
" About five pounds ; I '11 weigh it
for you."
" I think I shall want rather more
than that."
He fetched down quite a large piece
of meat off a hook, weighed it, and said
it was twenty-two pounds.
" I was thinking of buying a larger
piece than that," I said.
" How much was you wanting ? "
" The piece I had in mind should
weigh between three and four thousand
pounds." The eager look which came
into his eyes was quickly succeeded by
something akin to fear as he went to
the door to make sure the policeman
was taking his usual afternoon nap in
the neighbourhood.
" If you was wanting to buy meat,
I can sell it you, but if you was looking
for a flock of sheep or a herd of oxen,
I admit I haven't got 'em in stock."
" I don't necessarily want to take
it all with me," I said.
" What with my boy leaving me
and my assistant joining the Army,
I haven't got time to waste joking.
Perhaps you was thinking of giving
a party ? "
" No I wasn't ; I just wanted some
meat, but I see you aren't accustomed
to serve large families and I 'd better
try elsewhere. I suppose it 's possible
to buy meat for a battalion somewhere
in this town."
" If you want to buy meat for the
Army you'll have to go to the meat
market."
The meat market is a dull place ;
the mention of thousands of pounds
of meat doesn't excite the inhabitants
in the least, and they were rather bored
with my little order ; however, they
condescended to deliver the stuff for
mo after totting it up in sheep and
oxen.
In spite of the fact that I 'had the
vinegar and more than one kind of
meat, both Matilda and the Quarter-
master-Sergeant thought that the men
would expect a still greater variety, and
under protest I added a few tilings
like bread, jam and cheese. I avoided
small tradesmen in making these pur-
chases, as they are so suspicious, and
only dealt with people who had the
capital to carry a decent-sized stock.
When the War Office heard about
the things that Matilda and the Quarter-
master-Sergeant had persuaded me to
buy they naturally got jealous and
started sending out circulars' to say
that they weren't going to put up with
any competition with their camps and
that all camps without their name on
were spurious and contrary to law.
Of course I didn't worry about the
War Office because I know that their
printed circulars don't mean anything
and are only sent out to do the printers
and the post-office a turn, but the
Adjutant and our Commandant (who
is in the regular army and doesn't
understand War Office humour) seemed
to think that we ought to scratch the
camp. They got the idea that I had
let myself into some kind of a mess by
what they were pleased to term my
premature purchase of goods, and the
idea seemed to amuse them until I
explained that I had bought all the
goods in their names and that when
the Corps funds were exhausted they
would be personally responsible for
the balance.
So they went to talk to the War
Office about it, and met all the other
Volunteer Commandants and Adjutants
up there on the same errand. When
the War Office found how unpopular
their circular had made them, and
how they couldn't move about without
falling over Volunteer Commandants
and Adjutants, they said they didn't
object to camps being held if the
G.O.C.'s of the various districts didn't
object. Some people, who took the Wai-
Office literally, wrote to the G.O.C.'s
of the respective districts where they
proposed to camp and got leave, which
was then cancelled by the War Office.
For myself, I took no such risk ; and
as neither the War Office nor the
G.O.C. of any district found out about
our camp we didn't do any harm to
anyone but ourselves, and we only
caught little things like rheumatism
and indigestion. If anyone does find out
about it I shall apologise for my mis-
take and trust to his being too busy
to do anything further in the matter.
The camp was rather a success ; we
got most of the tents to stand up and
some of them kept the rain out, includ-
ing those that mattered (I mean, of
course, mine and the Commandant's and
the Adjutant's). By marking all the
things " Goods for Troops " I persuaded
the railway company to deliver most of
our provender in the belief that they
were helping the Government, who are
among their best customers in these
days. I showed the Government mark
on the tents to the railway people, and
they weren't to know, any more than I
was when I bought them, that it was
the condemned mark.
The vinegar didn't go so well as I
had expected and I had a good deal
left on my hands in spite of the fact
that I got quite a lot off in the shape
of claret-cup, which I retailed in the
canteen. Some of the meat rounded
on me and was accorded a military
funeral, but not enough to make a fuss
about. I had to pledge locally what
was left of the Commandant's and the
Adjutant's credit to make up for the
unused vinegar and defective meat, but
there has been no trouble on that score
up to now as they won't know about
it until the bills come in, and by that
time I shall either be on permanent
leave or else have enlisted.
"PACIFIST."
LATE produced upon the scene,
Mean as what you 're meant to mean,
Manufactured and absurd,
Maimed and miserable word,
While I live you shan't prevail,
Mongrel docked of half your tail.
Mongrel with a Latin head,
Disappear, avaunt, be dead !
More War-time Economy.
"In the drawing-room the two women,
huddled together in the big chair, wept into
one another's eyes." — London Magazine.
" A LADY highly recommends bright, capable
gentleman as USEFUL COMPANION. Domesti-
cated, nursing experience; can cook ; musical.
Age 35." — Church Times.
We know of a vacancy that would just
suit him. It is " Somewhere in France."
" The really bad weather, the heavy winter
rains, when all the mullahs on the peninsula
will be carrying rushing torrents to the sea,
does not begin until the end of November."
Evening Paper.
By which time, we trust, some means
will have been found of diminishing the
fluency of these holy men.
S..-.I-T..:M..I.:B 29, 1915.] 1TNCH, OR TIIK LONDON ( 'I I A I! I V A I! I.
THE COMPLEAT OUTPOST.
LIQUOR CONTROL.
SCENE. — Ctydebank Carat Queen Street,
Glasgow ; upatiirs.
TIME. — Approaching midnight.
Cheery Felloiv (O.H.M.S. badge in
buttonhole). Gees! I walkit up the stair
withoot a grup, an' I've the sweeties
for the weans in ma pouch. They '11
he pittin' a ribbon across ma chest sune
like the high head bosses in the sojers.
A blue ane ! Man, it 's great !
Dazed Companion (a bowl of gold-
fish hanging from a string). Jist like
gaun tae a funeral wi' yer umherel' an'
cornin* haine withoot it, an' no' jist
sure whit ye 've lost. Jist a something
like !
Dismal Friend (a shock of red hair
protruding from under his cap). I 'm
fed up.
Cheery Fellow. Be a sport, Pate.
Ye 've been grousin' a' nicht. I heard
ye tearin' the rag wi' the lang fella
ahint the coonter.
Dismal Friend (with a great air of
candour). No' kennin' muckle aboot
saft drinks, mine aye bein', as ye ken,
boys, a glass an' a pint, I ses tae the
lang chap quite ceevil-like, " Whit wid
ye recommend ? " ses I. " Dry ginger,"
says he. "Dry?" ses I ; " af coorse
I 'm dry. I 'm a chap that 's aye dry.
Bit ma name 's Pate, an' if ye ca' me
Ginger again I '11 gi'e ye a bat in the
eye." Hoo wis I tae ken the silly
names o' their silly drinks ?
Lady Conductor. Fares, please.
Dazed Companion (in tin undertone).
Is it a wumman ? Pate, I 'm sayin', is
it a wumman ?
Dismal Friend (viciously). If this
wis a tseterday nicht worth ca'in' a
Seterday nicht it would tak' twa men.
Cheery Fellow (with an ingratiating
smile). Three, miss. A' the road. I
wid gang tae Balloch jist tae be on the
same caur wi' ye.
Dazed Companion (leaking iq)). Ay,
an' back.
[Lady conductor passes on trith
heightened colour.
Cheery Fellow (pushing his ticket
behind his ear). I aye likit ma bit joke.
[Silence falls on the car.
Dazed Companion. I canna jist bot-
tom this, Tarn. It's Seterday nicht
an' this is the Clydebank caur, an'
there 's naebody singin' an' naebody
fechtin* wi' the conductor.
Cheery Fellow (a trifle awed). It's
like gettin' intae a first-class cairriage
wi' a workman's ticket.
Dazed Companion. Ay, aboot half-
past five when papaw is gettin' hame
for Ms tea.
Dismal Friend. I wantit tae ask the
lassie wi' the tickets whaur wis the
body. Like a daith in the hoose. 1 'm
fed up.
[The car proceedt on its temperate way
Another Impending Apology.
"WOUNDED MAN'S TRY INC. TIME.
WASHED BY A DCCHKM."
. X.S.W.).
"The Simla Choral Society will give two
performances of Bleat pair of Siren* by Sir
Hubert Parry." — Pioneer.
The temptation of ULYSSES was greater
than we thought. They probably made
sheep's eyes at him.
" Truly the figures in the annual report of
that virulent Bank provide veritable Jack
Johnsons of optimism."
Hamilton Adeertisfr.
This is what happens when the War
expert is switched off to finance.
"The Spanish Royal family is now at tho
seaside, and King Alfonso takes sea bathes.
He has a little pavilion in the Royal garden,
which is on rails, and is run down to the M»
when he is ready for his dip. All the time the
King occupies this elaborate bathing box the
Spanish Royal standard floats overhead."
Sunday Chronicle.
And when the KINO has finished they
dip the ensign.
270
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [SEPTEMBER 29, 1915.
Dame (from the provinces, with hazy ideas about the defences of London). "DEARY ME I WELL, I NEVER! AND THAT MUST BE
SIR PERCY WHAT 'S-'IS-NAME A-STANDIN' BY THE CANNON."
AT THE BACK OF THE FRONT.
IT is true that in a sense all the
home seas may be regarded as a front.
And yet inwardly 'I have doubts as to
whether I really am at the moment
exactly what you might call frontal.
Though correctly swathed in a ceinture
de sauvetage I feel neither nautical,
martial, nor amphibious. I defy any-
one to feel nautical in a service dress
jacket, martial in a life-belt, or" am-
phibious in ammunition boots. Martial
is my short suit at the moment. For one
thing, any front there is is underneath.
For another,- I have lost my leave
papers — if indeed I ever had any. In a
few hours, barring accidents, I shall
be turned off on to an unsympathetic
quay, under orders from one race of
red-hatted men eighty miles away from
it to report to them this morning, and
forbidden by another race of red-hatted
men on the spot to proceed anywhere
until I have given an account of my-
self ; which just happens to be one of
the few insignificant things I cannot
do. My blind pig is considered one of
the finest outside the Central Powers,
and I can play selections from several
drawing-room ballads with my eyes
shut and my left hand open ; but not
even with both my honest straight-
forward eyes at their widest can I hope
to convince Q. E. S. T.'U. and other
gentlemen with 'alphabetical occupa-
tions that I am not a deserter creeping
and intruding and climbing into the
War.
They will begin by saying, almost
apologetically, that they don't doubt
my bona fides (with four false quanti-
ties) for a moment. They will then
doubt it exhaustively for three-quarters-
of-an-hour, by which time my train
will — as happens eventually even to
trains in France— have gone. I shall
arrive at dawn to-morrow just in time
to be shot. It is true, that the last
time I was shot at dawn I got up and
walked away. But this is not a reliable
precedent, and I regard the future with
the most' perfect despondency. All I
can do is to write the word " Later."
Later it is. Let me give you a hint ;
if you should ever, in a military town,
fall upon the rdle of the Man who Re-
quires Explaining and are told to report
to the A.B.C.D.E. find out what time
he lunches. When we landed, I went
straight to the A.B.C.D.E.'s office and
there extorted by intimidation from an
outpost the news that the officer usually
Went out to lunch at 12.30 exactly. I
returned at 12.28. With one eye on
his watch the A.B.C.D.E. held out the
other hand. I shook it warmly.
" No, no," he said, " I want your leave
papers— movement order, and all that."
It was 12.30 exactly when I began
my explanation. At ', 12.35 I had
reached its crowning feature. At
12.40 he realized that it wr.3 I who
wanted a movement order. By 12.42
I had it in triplicate, with permission
to travel by any train that day. I
believe that if I could have hung on
till 12.45 I could have got another
seven days' leave. Even as things
were I have the pleasantest recollec-
tions of the A.B.C.D.E. I reported
everywhere to everybody's satisfaction,
and have not been shot at all to-day so
far. And I have spent the morning
wondering who put my leave papers at
the bottom of my haversack.
' ' FlNSST QUALITY GEEY-FACED LAMB : —
FORES, lid. per Ib. LIONS, Is. per Ib."
Advt. in " Bermholme News."
A foretaste of the Golden Age.
"Join the regiment that has guarded you
for the last 230 years."
Advt. of the 3rd E. Yorkshires.
Now then, step up, Methuselah.
PUNCH, <)K THE LONDON ^HARIVARI.-8,PTMCBKB 29. 1915.
THE RECORD-BREAKER.
MCKENNA (The " Try-your-Strength" Man). "NOW, GDY'NOB ; LET'S SEE IF YOU CAN'T
TOUCH THE 1590 MAEK."
JOHN BULL. " EIGHTO ! " (Does it.)
SKITKMBKU 29, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
(KxTiurn.b i mm TIM: DIAUY UK Tony, M.I".)
I In/an' of Commons, 'I'n-'.v/ni/, 2lst
S.'i>ti->nl>i-i-. Introducing his first Bud-
grt. McKr.NNA scored a double record
In respect both of income and ex-
penditure ho had to deal with the
biggest of :i lung list. The speech ex-
pounding it was the briefest.
Marshalling a multitude of figures,
from the extra halfpenny in the pound
in the price of sugar up to the
1,590 million pounds representing esti-
mated expenditure of the year, his
mastery of facts was so complete,
his explanation so lucid, that the
si. >] v was as easy to follow as an ordi-
nary nursery tale. Time was during
the primo of GLADSTONE at the Treas
ury, and with his successors in later
years, when exposition of a Budget was
regarded as opportunity (or a great
oratorical feat. Mr. G. thought nothing
of occupying five hours, finishing up
with a peroration almost worth an
additional penny in the pound on the
income tax.
No self-respecting Chancellor of the
old school would think of omitting
to deck his business statement with a
classical quotation, much appreciated
below the Gangway. This habit led
to first step in downfall of Bon LOWE.
Allured by the tag, Ex luce liicellum,
he invented a tax upon matches with
intent to label the boxes with the motto.
In the end, as everyone knows, he had
to remodel his Budget, leaving out the
obnoxious tax, label and all.
MCKENNA'S speech began without
exordium, finished without peroration,
and no single sentence rose above the
Spartan simplicity of the Multiplication
Table. Only approach to departure
from this level was when he mentioned
the dizzy height at which expenditure
now flies. He thereupon declared his
confidence that House and country were
prepared to support the Government in
hearing whatever measure of taxation
is deemed necessary now, " and," he
ominously added, " in the future," for
the successful prosecution of the War.
A hearty cheer confirmed this assur-
ance.
Cheerfulness was indeed the prevail-
ing note of historic occasion. Fresh
tun den of taxation imposed enormous.
Affects every class, from the consumer
of half-ounces of tea and quarters-
of-a-pound of sugar to the hapless
millionaire who out of his modest in-
come of a hundred thousand pounds
a year will be called upon to contribute
to the State the sum of £34,029— more
than one-third of the whole. This, of
course, in addition to his share of in-
j direct taxation.
As the MEMBER FOH SAKK sa
QBOBOI chastised the taxpayer with
whips; MI-KIANV Ityi ,;„ with
scorpions. And yet no murmur is
heard. In November last I.
GEOROK imposed fresh taxation esti-
mated to bring in a revenue <.:
millions. On the top of that MrK
levies new taxes, which in a full effec-
tive year will increase the revenue by
little short of 78 millions.
A big bill, but it will be met uncom-
plainingly, with any f urthercharge-i that
may presently be necessary for carrying
on the War to its inevitable end.
Business done. — Budget brought in
A STAR TURN.
THE CHANCELLOR OP THE EXCHEQUER.
showing expenditure for the year of
1590 millions and revenue from taxa-
tion of 305 million. When full effect is
given to new imposts, the latter will
be raised to sum of 370 million.
A Flying Squadron.
"Among other noteworthy aviation feats.
the cruisars Varese Francesco Ferruccio, Giu-
seppe Garibaldi, and Vettor Pisani bombarded
the railway at dawn on the 18th near C.ittaro. ' '
Sydney Morning Herald.
Phrase to be avoided.
When seeing off a friend who is going
to the Front : — "Well, good-bye, if you
must go ; and we hope soon to see your
name on the Eoll of Honour."
Letter of thanks from a small boy : —
'DEAR AUNTIE, — Thank you so much for
.lie steamship ; we have looked at it well and
[ am sure that there is something wrong with
t. Best love, ANTHONY."
THE WITNESS FOR THE
[The Dtuly Chronic 1.
• ' •• • •. • • . • . .
M a man n
.-. i
DEFENCE.
1
THKY haled him up In-fore tho beak,
Within tin- dock lu-sto-xl u- •
And heard the leading witness speik
The tale of his tux-tuiiKil pinching ;
Policeman X proclaimed the fact
(It marked in his career a sure stop)
Of how he caught him in tho act,
Or, more precisely, on the doorstop.
They told the Court the total gain
Achieved by his illicit .
The household purse, a watch and chain,
A cup that father got for num.
And how (which broke the housewife's
heart
And stamped him as a cool offender)
He 'd gobbled up an apple tart
Of more than normal bulk and
splendour.
It seemed that he would have to pay
The heavy price that those who've
sinned owe ;
But no, the magistrate that day
Was one who loved his " Office
Window"
And put its precepts into use
(A man should profit by his reading);
He bade them set the felon loose,
Saved by a pie's impassioned pleading.
"Put it down a Wee, my Lud."
' • VKRNIIS. — At 14 Cavendish street, Geelong,
the wife of Hugh Yernon (late Chief Scout,
Field Intelligence Department. South Africa)
—a daughter (••Vein Vidi Vici " Vernon).
Another little Briton t Now then, boys, enlist,
and keep her BO." — Melbourne Argus.
With another " V " for Victory.
From The Burma Sunday Timtt: —
•• Misstso.— My son Sudhamadhab B.in-
nerjee, aged 12 years is missing since Monday
the 5th instant. His colour is blackish and is
thin in appearance, height 4 ft. 7 inches. He
has sore marks on both the legs and has a
black spot or (Til) on his left cheek close to
the car, narrow torched covered with hair in
circular form, slender neck floating eves. Ho
had blue Kashmere I'lstcr over a Cananorc
green coat, a pair of black brushed shoes and
a Dliutc.' bordered with black line. If any
one can trace him out he shall bo rewarded
adequately. NUJJDOLAL HASKIDI, of Joyna-
gort, at present 21 Ramtonu BOM Lane,
Calcutta."
Mr. Punch gladly gives further publicity
to this announcement.
The A.S.C. again!
" Rev. Z. Lawrence delivered a lecture on
the ' War ' to a crowded audience in the Bloem-
fontein Synagogue last night. The lecturer's
remarks were followed with the keenest in-
terest, especially the part played by the Jaws."
The Fnend, Bloem/mtein.
27 J: PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [SEPTEMBER 29, 1915.
Lady (to prospective Cluirwomaii). "WHAT DO yon CHARGE PEE DAY?"
Ghdnvonian. "WELL, MUM, TWO-AND-SIX IF I EATS MESELF, AND TWO SHILLINGS IF YOU EATS MB."
JIMMY'S UNCLE.
Jimmy's Uncle is coming. But
perhaps you know. The telegraph boy
told Jimmy as he was bringing the
telegram ; he was coming by the three
o'clock train the telegraph boy said.
Jimmy's Uncle is a Colonel — didn't
I tell you ? — and Jimmy's mother hadn't
seen him for years and years, and longer
than that, Jimmy says — not since she
was in India.
Jimmy's Uncle used to know Jimmy's
father quite well, because you see they
had been brothers, and Jimmy's Uncle
knew all about Jimmy's father winning
the Victoria Cross in India ; but you
haven't got to talk about that or
Jimmy will fight you — really, I mean,
not pretend.
Jimmy says his Uncle has got a piece
of shrapnel in him, and they won't let
him stay at the Front, because it hasn't
burst yet, and that 's why he is coming
to see his mother.
Jimmy says the shrapnel might
burst at any time, and then it would
blow a hole ten feet deep in the ground,
but it would ease his Uncle because he
lias to walk very quietly and not get
excited now.
It 's because of the time fuse they
put in them, Jimmy says, and you can
hear it ticking. It makes his Uncle
very wary, and he has to avoid certain
things at mealtimes which are not
easily digested because the doctor says
the shrapnel' is quite enough. .
Jimmy has jjlpen the porter at the
station, and he' lias promised to stop
the train ; you do it by the by-laws,
Jimmy says.
Jimmy told the porter he expected
his Uncle would give him some rupees
if he looked after the luggage well, and
the porter took Jimmy to see his ; he
grew them in a plot of ground quite
close to the line when he wasn't busy
cleaning the station lamps. He asked
Jimmy if his Uncle soaked his in
paraffin before sowing — you do it be-
cause of the sparrers.
The porter knew all about India ; he
told Jimmy that the Hoodans out there
lived on rice pudding, and it was very
hot there because of the degrees of
longitude, which were very warm in
those parts.
The porter hadn't been there, not
himself, but lie had read a good deal
when he wasn't busy cleaning the
station lamps. He said he 'd often
thought about India because he couldn't
abear rice pudding. He said Jimmy
might safely leave his Uncle to him.
Jimmy went to bed early so as to
give the next day a chance. His
mother nearly spoilt the day before it
came because she put out his best
sailor suit for him to wear and gave
him three pennies to have in his pocket
but not to spend. He said his Uncle
would think it was Sunday, and he put
his head under the bedclothes to show
what he thought of her. However, he
let her hold his hand tight for an hour
and ten minutes before he went to sleep,
and when she came to look at him
some time later he only smiled in his
sleep when she gently removed his feet
from the pillow and placed his head
there once more.
It took the day a long time to break,
and Jimmy was glad when he heard
the birds tidying up to get ready for it.
He looked out of the window ; the day
seemed very damp and as if it wanted
airing, so he got back to bed. It was
eight o'clock, and the day was up and
dressed and being busy wjieii he next
awoke.
Jimmy had his mother at the station
in good time, and they had read all the
s""'" " *M9is.] PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CIIAKIVARI.
"THE UMPIRE SAYS YOU 'BE TO STOP FOB TEN MINUTES, AS THB KNEMY HAS TAKEN UP THE WBONO POSITION!'
by-laws several times over before the
train came in.
Jimmy says his Uncle looked very
fierce when he arrived at the station
ami saw his mother. It made his
mother cry, and she wouldn't speak to
him, and that only made his Uncle grow
fiercer and redder in the face. Jimmy
says he thought the shrapnel was going
to burst. Jimmy says his Uncle didn't
take any notice of him, although he
kept on saluting him as hard as he
could. Then his Uncle turned on him
and glared at him and asked him what
the dickens he meant standing there
looking so much like his father. Jimmy
said it made his mother very angry, and
she said, " Don't, Tom, don't," and cried
than ever.
Jimmy says he clenched his fists and
was going to give his Uncle the coward's
ilow when his Uncle turned his back
on him and told the porter not to
si and scratching his head like an
iiot. Jimmy says the porter was
only saluting all the time but he wasn't
used to it, and every time he got his
mnd to his head he forgot what he
set out to do and scratched his head
I Mead.
J iniiny says they drove home in a cab,
md neither his Uncle nor his mother
faaid a word to each other all the way,
hey were so cross.
Jimmy says his Uncle had a bad cold
,nd kept blowing his nose, and every
time he did it the cab-horse gave a
jump.
Jimmy says his Uncle behaved better
after tea. He wasn't so fierce, so he
asked him to show him his wound, but
his Uncle said it was under his binder
and he.couldn't.
After the tea-things had been put
away they all three went into the draw-
ing-room to look at 'the large framed
photograph of Jimmy's father. Jimmy
says they each held one of his hands,
and he had to bite his lip because they
hurt.
Jimmy says his Uncle didn't think
much of the photograph. He just said
" He was a man, Mary, a man ; " then
he went very annoyed in the face,
clicked his heels, saluted very hard and
turned away.
Jimmy says it made him feel quite
angry with his Uncle, and he went and
climbed up on the top of the coalhouse
in liis best clothes on purpose ; and he
wouldn't come down until his Uncle
had promised to be good and not to
make his mother cry. Jimmy says his
Uncle gave him his word as an officer,
and they got on better after that.
Jimmy said his prayers to his Uncle
that night, and he let him know what
he thought of him. He asked that his
Uncle might be made a better man.
His mother said, " Oh, Jimmy ! " but
his Uncle understood, for he said,
" Amen to that, old chap 1 "
THE NEW SMOKE.
(The newsjMipers hit re puhlished accounts
of the satisfactory results of planting
tobacco in Hampshire.)
GOOD people, give hearing attentive,
Dismissing the havoc of Mars,
While I sing of the newest preventive
Of public and family jars ;
It has proved the most potent incentive
To pithy and popular " pars " ;
Tis the latest result of the Nicotine
cult—
The Hampshire cigars.
I "d like to describe, but I canna,
The scent which this product exhales ;
It blends the bouquet of Havannah
With that of the rabbits of Wales;
'OTOTOI, wirrasthrue and alannah !
It could throw an express off the rails,
And its potent aroma induces a coma
When laudanum fails.
It acts as a perfect specific
Against the most violent cramps ;
It wholly defeats the morbific
Effect of malarial damps,
Diffusing a balm soporific
On rival political camps ;
In short it 's a blessing beyond my
expressing,
Tobacco from Humps!
The Rendez-vous.
"In cases of emergency Sections fall in as
follows :—No. 1, The Fountain, St. Thomas-
gtreet."— Lyminglon, V.T.C, Orders.
276
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [SEPTEMBER 29, 1915.
FEEDING THE NATION.
"Up with that lawn! Over with
those flower-beds ! " Such were the
clarion cries of last March, and the
family ilung themselves into the work
of destruction with genuine patriotic
ardour. In a couple of days we, the
Medhurst family "(well known in this
suburb as " the people who hire motor-
cars "), no longer possessed a garden.
We had a house and a frightfulness.
Still it was grand work. ' I appointed
the two youngest children Worm
Gatherers in Ordinary (with the occa-
sional rank of Earwig Squasher),
because, although I can plant seeds
with anybody, the handling of reptiles
is simply not my sort of work. It was
the one profession which I did
not include in the list of my
side-accomplishments for the
National Eegister.
My wife, Mrs. Medhurst
(known as "the woman with
four hats "), was given a rake.
Let us leave it at that. -I fell
over it often.
Jacqueline Medhurst, who is
now three and can say " J for
Jacqueline,'.' gathered weeds
and sang at her work. Yes,
yes, I know that it was charm-
ing of her, but it must be
pointed out that she is ac-
quainted with but one song
and knows but two lines of
that.
They go like this : —
" I 've got a ripping little motor car,
And I 've got a yacht ! "
Pay someone to sing those two
lines into your ears for six
hours on end. Eveiyone ought
to try it before reading any further . .
Tried it ? Yes, isn't it ?
Well, we got the seeds in. They
only cost two shillings — " Somebody's
Monster Gift Parcel" — but I had to pay
one shilling for postage as the potatoes
made the parcel heavy. Still I didn't
grudge that as there seemed to be an
astonishing number of seeds. In fact
when we had filled our garden there
were a packet of "Early to Come"
peas, another of Dwarf Kidney Beans,
and yet a third of Debbie's Champion
Leeks left over. I mention this in case
anyone would like to buy the surplus.
They 're still all right, except the peas,
which have been " played with " by
Alastair Medhurst, and the bean bag,
which is frayed along one edge. No
beans have escaped, mind, but the bag
has unquestionably depreciated (I will
allow for this).
After the seeds were all in I used to
look at them a good deal, that is to say
I looked at the soil which covered them.
Nothing came up, but _I kept on look-
ing, despite a certain' scornfulness in
the home circle. But I had the laugh
of everyone in the end. The seeds came
up !
My pride and joy in the little seed-
lings was, however, not long-lived. The
critics arrived. Always in life everyone
is happy till the critics appear. The
first of them in this case was my
ridiculous and pompous father-in-law,
who, after mumbling coarsely about
"greengrocery," burst into rude guff-
aws because, said he, my celery (the
well-known garden esculent) should
have been " pricked off" long ago. I
sneered rather hotly, and said other
people had other views about the correct
period for pricking off (whatever that
FOOTBALL BOOTS
BUY A PAIR-TO
KICK THE GERMANS
OUT OF BELGIUM
PROPRIETOR OF BOOT SHOP TRIES TO BOOM STOCK WHICH
THE WAR HAS MADE UNSALEABLE.
might be) ; that, anyway, mine was a
new variety, and I had arranged to
prick off that day if not interrupted
by callers. And when he 'd gone I
pricked them off because I remembered
you don't eat the green stuff at the end.
But then they stopped growing.
There followed an attack upon my
onions. The solicitor next door caught
sight of them one Sunday morning
and, putting his head over the wall,
asked if they really were onions. I
said they were hardly onions, but had
a certain onionimity. I expected ata-
vistic tendencies, however.
He grinned, because he has been to
a public school, and said that I ought
to have asked him before trying onions.
I apologised and offered to dig them out
and begin again. He told me that he
was only trying to be friendly and that
I 'd never get an onion if I couldn't
take a tip. And then he went indoors
to his wife (well known in our suburb
as " the woman who whistles ").
I forget what was insulted next.
But they nearly all caught it. My
wife's brother damned the broad beans
and was foolish enough to offer himself
for slaughter by inquiring if I 'd ever
heard of " blight." Then a near rela-
tion of mine, I 'm sorry to say, fell
fiercely upon my cauliflowers, which,
he bitterly complained, were cramped.
Broccoli caught it too, so did the parsley,
and even the radishes did not go scath-
less. I was ashamed, of course, but,
having created my vegetables, I swore
I 'd stand by them come what may.
We would be misunderstood together.
Then came the period of our annual
holiday by the sea. It was a wrench,
but I consoled myself with the reflection
that my plants would do their best for
me in my absence. They as
much as whispered it to me
when I gave them their fare-
well watering.
The weeks passed away
wearily. I got everything that
I could for the nation out of
the sea — • shrimps (several),
prawns (two), eel (one), minia-
ture dab (half), and, on one
glorious day, seven mackerel
(hire of boat, man, lines,
hooks, worms, the tiling you
wind the lines on and a piece
of string to tie fish up coming
to 5s. 6rf.). Still it wasn't like
growing things, and the day of
our return was der Tag for me.
Frankly I was knocked.
You ought to have seen that
garden. Everything had grown
furiously; every thing was much
bigger. Nothing had stopped.
But here I must strike a note
of sorrow. With one brave
noble exception, nothing was eatable.
The greenstuff w:as overrun with cater-
pillars and slugs, the roots were rotting,
the beans were tough and coarse, the
peas were hard peas, and the radishes
were huge and woolly.
What remained ? My potatoes ! My
brave, plucky, persevering potatoes !
They proved my only stand-by. There
are plenty of them, and the family is
good enough to approve them. In fact
we have more than we can eat. At
the side-entrance I have hung an unob-
trusive board bearing the legend, "Med-
hurst's Middlings," and I charge one
halfpenny under market price. So now
I am known in our suburb as " the man
who sells potatoes ! "
"He accepted another cigar, lit it on the
door-step, and walked away . . . For the
moment, Ilkley's studio was too hot."
Premier Magazine.
The door-step seems to have been rather
warm too.
BEI-TKMKKB 29, 19 M] PCNCII, nil. TIIK U>N|M»N < 'I I A ItlVAllI.
THE RIVAL JOBBING GARDENERS.
A TIUGIC COMEDY IN FOUR ACTS.
278
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [&BPTBMBBE 29, 1916.
"MY DEAR SIR."
II K was a small stotit round man, with bulging eyes and
loose moist lips, evidently an inquisitive gossipy fellow, and
lie had been talking (very optimistically) about the War and
(very pessimistically) about the taxation, fortifying himself,
as he proceeded, with quotations from the daily papers, of
which lie had purchased every available specimen. I could
see that he was dying to tell me all about himself, and at
last out it came. He looked furtively round the railway
compartment, as if to assure himself that nobody was
lurking in the rack or under the seats, and spoke.
" I presume," he said, " that you don't know who I really
am'.'"
" No," I said, " I don't. I haven't got beyond classing
you as a friendly traveller."
" Thanks," he said ; " but I didn't mean that. Of course
I don't want to push it on you. I only wondered if you 'd
got any idea of what my work in life is. It 's a unique
business and keeps me hard at work, I can tell you. Look
here "• — he produced one of his papers and pointed out to
me Mr. LLOYD GEORGE'S letter — " what do you think of
that ? "
" Very telling," I said ; " distinguished by all the fire and
eloquence and innocence for which L. G. is famous."
" Yes," he said, " it 's a pretty thing. Well, that 's me."
" How do you mean ' that 's me ' '? "
" Don't you see it 's written ' to a constituent ' ? Well,
I 'm the constituent."
" My dear Sir," I cried, " I congratulate you. To be a
Welshman is a great thing ; to live in Carnarvon is a gift
from heaven ; and to be a constituent of the MINISTER OP
MUNITIONS must be the summit of earthly felicity," and I
seized his hand and shook it warmly.
" Lord love you," he said, disengaging himself, " how you
do jump at conclusions ! I 'm no Welshman ; I 've never
been near Carnarvon ; and of course, in a technical sense,
I 'm not a constituent of LLOYD GEORGE'S. I 'm an accom-
modation constituent, that 's all. Generally I 'm ' a corres-
pondent ' — I 've done a lot of work for A. J. BALFOUR in
that line — but this time I thought I 'd try a new touch
and so I turned myself into a constituent. It 's gone off
splendidly, hasn't it ? "
" Ye — es," I said, " but I don't quite "
" Don't you see ? " he said. " When one of these big
bugs wants to explain something or have a whack at some-
body and there 's a hurry about it, he doesn't wait until his
next speech. He just gets down and writes a letter. But
the letter must be written to somebody — you can't sit down
and begin 'My dear Sir ' with any conviction, unless there's
a real ' dear Sir ' somewhere at the back of it all, and that 's
where I come in. I lend just the necessary amount of
reality to the whole thing."
" Have you been at the business long ? " I said.
" Ever since I left school. It 's been handed down in
our family from father to son for years and years. My own
youngster 's just started in the Midland Members of Parlia-
ment department. He's showing a lot of promise. Mr.
AUSTEN CHAMHEHLAIN thinks a good deal of him ; but of
course, being in the Cabinet, Mr. CHAJI»EUI,AIN mostly
works through me. His father was a regular gold mine to
us, especially during the fiscal controversy ; but there was
no end of explaining going on then and we were kept very
busy."
" I don't quite see," I said, " where you make your
profits."
"Oh, that's easy. We get the originals of the letters,
and after a time we sell them, mostly in America. There 's
a big market for that sort of thing there. Of course the
prices don't run quite so high since type-writers came in,
but it 's fairly steady all the same. Anyhow, it keeps me
in beef and beer and pudding, and you can't want more
than that, can you ? "
Actually, of course, I could; but .at this moment we
drew up at Paddington and I left it at that.
A NEW WAY WITH OLD CLOTHES.
[" Men can save by having fewer changes of costume ami by spend-
ing less on golfing or holiday suits, or other clothes for occasional wear ;
by having their suits and overcoats cleaned and repaired instead of
buying new ones ; by spending less on gloves and ties, and by having
still serviceable boots mended instead of buying new ones." — " Why
ir<' iiiiixt ,SV/rc, and How." Parliamentary Sarings Committee.']
IN tranquil ante-bellum days, when ordering a suit
Involved no fiscal problems that were serious or acute,
My wardrobe was a constant source of family dispute.
Against my passion for old clothes my estimable wife,
Supported by my daughters, waged a never-ending strife ;
It was, indeed, almost the only worry of my life.
They used to hide away my old unfashionable tweeds,
Oblivious of my comfort and regardless of my ne-'ds ;
They banned my pipe, but never once objected to my weeds.
My ancient ties of faded dyes excited their disdain ;
My threadbare dinner-jacket caused them veritable pain ;
And they criticised my boots in language less polite than
plain.
They heaped sarcastic obloquy upon my caps and hats ;
They made me birthday presents of the most expensive spats,
And the latest thing in handkerchiefs, in collars and cravats.
In short in half-a-dozen ways they diligently "biffed"
My laudable intentions to promote domestic thrift,
Until the struggle threatened to produce a serious rift.
But War, though vilely fruitful in sorrow and distress,
For one small salutary change I am inclined to bless ;
At last I am allowed a perfect latitude in dress.
My ancient clothes, misshapen boots, disreputable ties
No longer find disfavour in my wife's and daughters' eyes,
But, on the contrary, evoke their warmest eulogies.
Nay, better still, themselves released from giddy Fashion's
goad,
They follow me with docile steps along the frugal road
That leads to perfect freedom from the tyranny of Mode.
Retreats for Army Chaplains.
"The value to the spiritual work of chaplains with the forces in
the fighting line of a day spent in retreat must be obvious, as also
are the difficulties of arranging such opportunities." — Church Times.
Surely the enemy, if they knew, would oblige with a little
extra pressure which might produce the desired retreat.
"The King and Queen slept in a saloon railway carriage at Bishop's
Lydrard the day before they entered Exeter. The royal train re-
mained at a railway siding during the night, and took a walk next
morning before proceeding to Exeter."
Impartial Reporter (EnnisJeillen).
Trains are very human things and after standing motionless
all night they find these little early constitutionals very
useful for taking off the morning stiffness.
After the Collision?
' MOTOR-CYCLE, new ; cheap or will Exchange for good Bathchair."
Liverpool Kcho.
29, 191;-,.] PUNCH, nil TIIK l.nNlHiN < II \|;iv \KI.
THE MORNING AFTER AN AIR RAID.
Affable Member of Crowd (surveying broken windows). " Excmxa TIMES, Sin! Kxcmxa TIMES — EH?'
of Cinema.
'YES! AND MY BUSINESS BL'INED BY THESE Hl'NS (ilVISli A FHEE SHOW OF THEIR OWS."
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)
L TAKE it that Mr. MAURICE HEWLETT designed his new
novel The Little Until (HEINEMAXN) frankly as a grotesque,
an opinion in which four exceedingly quaint illustrations by
Sir 1'niLii' BI-KNK-.IONKS distinctly confirm me. The story
is in quite an original vein, the interest and mystery very
adroitly sustained. We are given a gruesome picture of a
physically wrecked but still indomitable sensualist, de-
plorably dragging shuffling feet — a Baron von Broderocle,
married to a very beautiful and gracious woman who had
been caught young from out a convent. Enter Hector
Mallt'xmi, an egregious sentimentalist, heir incidentally of a
Highland chieftain. He diagnoses an Andromeda-dragon
situation, a thought which apparently had not occurred to
the Baroness, who however cordially accepts the suggestion
and is made profoundly miserable. Eventually she Hies
and finds asylum at the head-quarters of the Mdllrson clan,
where three other sons of the house, as also the old chieftain
himself, fall hopelessly in love with her. Comes the relent-
less I iaron in pursuit ; and how this modern MF.XKI.AI-S first
\\ ins. then loses the game, and where the fair Hi'lrna finally
bestows her widowed hand, I must leave Mr. HEWLETT'S
divert ing little Iliad to inform you. I can promise you good
linment : and though, as 1 have hinted, the thing is
planned in a freakish mood the author has not let himself
off the honest, labour of construction and polish. His
sympathies are throughout with his wicked Baron, who is a
very new version of the strong silent hero, and may fairly
oe considered a sport. \Vhat I refuse to believe about him
is that, even though he shot from a pony cart, he "got his
»un up like lightning and fired at the instant." consider-
ing the painful struggles he bad to get his wine-glass or
cigar accurately to his mouth — pathological details that
Mr. HEWLETT has been at pains to rub well in.
Something will really have to be done about it. If many
more of our novelists take to turning out these prodigiously
long stories, we reviewers will have to agitate for pinment
by piece-work. The latest exponent of the gentle art of
garrulity is Mr. E. TEMPLE THTHSTON, with his new novel,
Tkt Achii-i-f infill of Hi,'linr,l /•'«>•/<.;!./ (CiiAl'MAX AM- HAI.I.I.
There are seven hundred and twenty-eight pages of it, so
that when you have turned the last of them you may
perhaps feel that the achievement ia not exclusively con-
fined to the hero. Richard Fiirlninj was a painter and
etcher, and the object of Mr. Tmiisros is to trace his
progress from obscurity to fame; but, though lie is repre-
sented as doing a lot of artistic work in his sp.ire time, it
would be more fair to say that the real successes otRic luini
were gained in the domain of what I might call (wishing to
put the matter us delicately as possible) unceremonious
polygamy. From the moment when he runs away from
the paternal mill, and joins the company of Mr. TnriiSTOSPs
other heroes in a picturesque slum-existence round about
Drury Lane, his career becomes a sentimental journey from
one affair to another. I don't want to say that there are
280 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [SEPTEMBER 29, 1915.
not pleasant passages in the book — there is always a certain cvu-r done before the American ideal of Bigness — its obvious
jollity in a tale "f success — but I do think that justice faults and its less obvious merits. "We must be Bigger !
could have been done to the theme in a smaller compass. Bigger! Bigger! Get people here! Coax them here! Swindle
In his preface Mr. THUBSTON tells how he came to abandon them into coming ! Deafen them into coming ! Any kind of
his intention of publishing three sepiirato books about people! Blow! Boost! Brag! We must ho Bigger! We
1-iichnnl l''itrli»i</'x history, and to hind them instead into want Bigness 1 " That was the motto of the town in which
one volume. My only comment on this is that it remains Ilib/n, • Sheridan lived, and it was the motto of James Sherirliin,
true that three o"f his "furlongs make at least a mile. his father; and Bibbs, by nature a poet and a dreamer of
dreams, found himself forced by circumstances to kill his
During the last twenty years Sir GILBERT PARKER has dreams and plunge in and blow and boost and brag with
written a dozen novels. At such a stage fancy is accus- the rest, until at length there came to hearten him the
tomedtoilag, and kind hearted friends are apt to regret that realization that, hidden beneath all the boosting and bigness,
the author has " written himself out." This makes more there was a certain something that was also poetry of a
pleasant the discovery that in The Money Master (Huxcn- kind. In the "United States, Turmoil has bad a vogue that
INSON) Sir GILBERT surpasses himself. The story opens with recalls the days of the old best-sellers, those strange pro-
the introduction of Jean Jacques
Barbille, miller and money master,
a commonplace man inclined to
vanity, buzzing with consciousness
of worldly prosperity built up by
himself. On a voyage homeward-
bound from Europe — where he was
disappointed when he entered
Notre Dame, or a great building
like the Law Courts at Rouen
that people didn't whisper to each
other, " Here comes Jean Jacques
Barbille " — he made the acquaint-
ance of a Spanish beauty, " a
slim and long-limbed Diana." He
married her, or, to be precise,
it was she who married him, for a
comfortable home and relief from
penury shared with a scamp of a
father. The Header, a student of
human nature with mature know-
ledge of its frailties, knows at once
what will happen. The beautiful
sensuous Carmen, bored with the
dulness of daily life in company
with Jean Jacques, early succumb-
ing, will go off with another man.
The Header is right. What he
does not yet know, but should
take the earliest opportunity of
learning, is with what masterful
skill, with what touches of pathos,
the dull man, miller and general -
PEOPLE WE
THE MAN WHO SAYS, "
POSSIBLE AUTHORITY."
NEVER MEET.
I HAVE IT ON THE WORST
ductions which it resembles only
in its popularity. It is easily the
best novel that Mr. TARKINGTON
has written. There are Hashes of
the humour that illumined his
Penrod stories, but for the most
part the author is grimly in earnest,
as befits his theme. It is a story
to be read by all who would un-
derstand the soul of the country
that has produced sky-scrapers
and Pittsburg and the Chicago
slaughter - houses. " Man alive !
this is God's country, and a blind
man couldn't help seein' it ! You
certainly stand up for your own
town, if you stick to sayin' you 'd
rather live there than you would
here. You sure are some patriot
to say that — after you 've seen our
city. I '11 show you something
now that '11 make your eyes stick
out." Thus Mr. James Sheridan
to a European visitor, and that is
America in a nutshell.
There is real stuff — as opposed
to stufling — in Miss M. P. WILL-
COCKS' Change (HuTCHiNSON). In
truth her material is better than
her pattern, which is rather casual
and formless. She leaves loose
threads, abandons even promising
dealer, his dross purified in the fire of adversity, is slowly, [ beginnings, certainly crowds her embroidery frame with
step by step, transformed into a hero of sublime unselfish- too many figures. But you read her story and comment
ness. Nearly every page of the story, certainly every without skipping, get pleasure of her characters, who really
chapter, reveals the inventive resources of the author. \ seem to be alive and doing, and (I '11 answer for it) you '11
These never fail, and the reader is, with growing interest, be willing to put up with little defects of form for sake of
hurried on to the unexpected denouement. The world of such fine substance as the patient and indirect wooing of
Jean Jacques, a village which the censor may permit refer- j little brown Bess Latimcr, the orphan, by the Professor — a
ence to as " somewhere in the neighbourhood " of Quebec, j charming piece of delicate romance. There is a background
is peopled with a diversity of characters whose acquaint-
ance and environment are refreshing after a long course of
ordinary novels.
A grievance that the American has against Englishmen
is that they pay visits to his country and then try to put
it all into a single book. He holds that America is too
of Starrs, folk whose blood was older and bluer than their
purses were long, and who were a little too conscious of
other people's essential inferiority. It is part of the defect
of Miss WILLCOCKS' method that one can't make out just
what the "change" was which one supposes from her title
to be the motive of her work. She gives me the impression
of not having quite found herself even yet. But she will ;
large a thing to be put into a single book. Yet in Turmoil j and mean while" she has the heart of the" matter in her.
(HODDER AND STOUGHTON) BOOTH TAHKINGTOX has Come [ 1=^====
very near succeeding in this feat. Turmoil, for all that it
has only three hundred and twelve pages, covers the whole
of one side — and that the most characteristic side — of
American life. It puts into words better than anyone has
" \Vo are told that Delilah punctured the head of Samson with a
nail." — China Mail.
The other story of how poor SISEKA had his hair cropped
is just as good.
OCTOBEH G, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CIIAIMV \l!l.
- •:
CHARIVARIA.
The Italian poet, D'AsM's/io, 1m, A \. im^ ll.-rlinerl
Iwen throw ing his poems from an aero- to make a series <
pie who thought it odd plane. We deprecate this campaign •
1 " ' '- "' ' pastels, as r
* *
-till Life
,
that the latent < ierman Loan should fright fulness,
have just topped the figures lor our own
\\ .,,. Loan, will be pleased to have their When the K.usr.u was at Windsor in dies
doubts ttonlirmed by the Loll r, 1K91, he told the. Fton College Volun- the Kiel Canal." o ^
whie.h observes that "The twelve teers he was glad to see so many of
milliards of marks are no modest figure thorn taking an interest in the study of, II
i - i ;ii, ,,,,.(;,. " arms, and lioped that if ever they had <|uite eoi n-i-tly. MOOUK'H Veiled
to draw their swords in earnest they Prophet of Kboraasan was
would use them to somo purpose for Hut the unveiler of war-profits
. i • ^.T i i , t i ^ t
Mi: .Ions K. STAHKKV, M.P., has . . ,
ed to the Exchequer the amount their country. Now that there are Mi i
of his parliamentary salary received three thousand Etonians at the Front,
during the War, explaining that, lie he is beginning to be sorry he spoke.
felt uncomfortable in accepting it
conditions. Now he.
is " //''/)/"/ Htnrkfii" once more.
* '*
:': * •
Some elderly members of a
suburban V.T.C. who attended a
is
« *
*
...
speeial service at the parish church
the other day are still wondering
why the preacher chose as his
text, " Can these dry bones live? "
ft t -.:= "
With surpiisinf; unanimity the
German newspapers declared last
that the King of BULGAKIA
and his Prime Minister had finally
decided to throw in their lot with
the Central Powers. Later news
suggests that they had forgotten
the old proverb that " a Ferdinand
is worth two in the bush."
•i- ^
\Vo deeply sympathise with
the elderly man who asked the
Willesden magistrate for a separ-
ation-order on the ground that
his wife was always throwing
knives at him, and he could not
dodge them so easily as when he
was younger. It is a penalty of
advancing years that one takes
longer to see the point of anything.
Butter cards/ similar in prin-
ciple to the existing bread-cards.
" The following," writes a soldier.
-, actually heard by myself
while in charge of » guard: —
Sc» ' Whog.H-«lh.T»T'
Voter. ' Chaplain.'
Sentry. ' Pana, Charlie ; all '• well.'"
In case any reader should doubt
the veracity of the above con-
versation, Mr. Punch bogs to say
that it must be true, as he bas
heard it from at least fifty separate
sources during the past fortnight,
besides seeing it last week in an
illustrated paper.
* «.
*
Some of the German newspapers
are suspiciously well informed
about our plan of campaign. The
.'<• .Ydo/ir/i- /!/<•», describing the
bombardment preceding the Allies'
attack, says it was "as if they
wanted to batter down the gates
of hell." * *
The pickpocket's motto: "Theie
is a silver lining to every crowd."
Supporter of the Budget. "So I'M A-AKSTIX' YOU
TER DO WOT I'M A.-DOIN'— AN1 THAT 18 PA* UP IN
LOOK PI.SAS.iXT."
Cruel only to be kind.
" ACCIDEWT. — Ou Friday, Cyril
Thornett, aged ninr. whiUt »t pl»y in
the schoolyard slipped down and broke
liin Ml thigh-bone. Fist-aid WM ren-
dered by the teachers."- -Oxford Tim*.
are shortly to be introduced in Ger-
many. But that does not justify us
in boasting of our superior position.
There is a large demand for TucK-cards
in this country also.
* •'••
The KAISKH, like the humblest of his
subjects, has had to part with all metal
possessions, such as door-knobs, in
order that they may be made into
shells. It is believed that even his
brazen front has now disappeared.
* *
The Hiiiitliiii-i/,',- FrarodewWaW, which
speaks of the German oflicial com-
muniques as being distinguished
by their " monumental simplicity,"
was probably referring to the well-
known expression "to lie like a tomb-
stone."
A taxi-cab driver, charged at Bow-
Street recently with being drunk, offered
to read a newspaper upside-down in
order to prove that he was sober. This
is no test at all. He should have offered
to read the predictions of some of our
war-prophets the right way up.
the
has
become so violent a pacificist, is going
to set up a factory in Brazil, " •••
the nuts come from," is as yet uncon-
firmed.
" A tripe line of German defence* in
the East and Wcrt will have to be broken
through before Cicrmany's vitali are to much
as threatened."— Kgyi't ""' <«"<"«•
We rather deprecate these gaBtronomi-
cal metaphors.
The report that Mr. FORD,
American motor-car maker, who
V
Extract from a Tommy's letter, writ-
ten in Egypt :— " It is terribly hot out
here, so hot, in fact, that they feed the
hens on ice-cream to stop them laying
hard-boiled eggs."
•• Sublime Porte literally moan* ' lolly gate.
It is the principal entrance H the Scr.iRlio at
mtmoplo, and is the place from which
the imperiiil edicta nro isMn-<i."
Los Anyeles " Krrnnvj Herald.
The Seraglio is also the place where the
Imperial bow-strings are kept.
. .— .
" BELOIAJJ SUCCESS.— On Saturday evening
our troops captured a Oerman telephone p»
on the right bank. They have taken the
R;irri*m, consisting of 15 men uu.l 1
, ,,t,,ni<vr, prisoners."— Jfor«i«<MVy*r.
The Germans no doubt were " up the
pole."
VOL. CXI.IX.
282
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[OCTOBER G, 1915.
THE LIMITATIONS OF THE KAISER.
I EVER regard his case as odd
Who ventures to doubt that 1 'm a god ;
Few, in fact, can distinguish mo
From my friend and double, the Deity ;
Yet I cannot behave like a fowl in air,
I cannot at once be everywhere.
Limited thus, I must needs decide
Where I would spend last Christmastide ;
Various pleasant schemes I had —
Paris and London and Petrograd —
But I couldn't have painted them all three red,
So I finally stayed at home instead.
Now Yule is on us again and I 'm
Still bound by the laws of space and time ;
My heart, like a common man's, is torn
Between the above and the Golden Horn,
With matins under a Moslem dome ;
But how can 1 do all four — (and Borne) ?
Meanwhile it's bad for my beauty rest
(East being East and West still West)
If I 'm expected to bear the brunts
Arising out of a brace of fronts,
Neither of which — from a distant view —
Is doing as well as I told it to.
I find the travelling most severe,
Though I only do it from rear to rear ;
And often enough has the wish occurred
That I could arrange to be a bird ;
And it 's " Oh ! " I cry with my godlike voice,
"Oh! for the wings — of a dove, for choice."
0. S.
ADMIRAL POST.
"You've heard of 'General Post,' haven't you?" said
Jack to Cheeks, the marine. " Well, the KAISER has invented
a new game called ' Admiral Post.' In the first place let
me tell you what I been reading in the paper about Admiral
VON HOLTZENDORFF, followin' on the sensational departure
for other scenes of Admiral VON TIRPITZ. Now to be quite
frank with you, you being only a marine, I'm gettin' qualms
about the German Navy. They 're threatened with a cer-
tain liveliness, Cheeks, they are.
" You see this VON HOLTZENDORFF used to command the
High Seas Fleet just before the War. He was a fair oner
for paint work and leadin' the line at reviews. For the
pipin' days of peace he was absolutely It. But when the
War broke out the KAISER gets a sort of grouch on VON
HOLTZENDORFF and drops him for another feller called VON
INGENOHL."
" ' Ow do you come to know these names ? " asks Cheeks.
"I was just reading them in the paper," says Jack.
" Well, all the world knows now what VON INGENOHL did.
For months and months there was only one navy in the
world, and VON SPEE'S little lot and the Emden and the
Bloocher and all the other victories was celebrated in Berlin
in the correct style, all school-children being ordered to get
hoarse by compulsion. But one day, when the KAISER was
counting his ships, he says to VON INGENOHL, he says,
' Where 's my Bloocher ? ' And the gallant Admiral replies
that the Bloocher has been converted into a Dreadnought
submarine. Which is what they call a half-truth, and not
bad for a German. Then the KAISER gives VON INGENOHL a
nasty look, and says to him, ' You can slide it. I 'm going
to give the command to VON POHL.' "
" You 're making it up," says Cheeks.
" Gospel truth, I ain't. I just read it in the paper."
"'Ow do all these blokes' names come to begin with a
von?"
" If you wasn't an ignorant marine you 'd know that von
is German for 0'. I was once in a destroyer and we had eight
O's on board, Irish all of 'em. There was O'Flaherty,
O'Connor, O'Hara, O'Donovan and O'Eeilly, and so on.
If they 'd been Germans they 'd have been von Flaherty,
von Connor, von Hara, etcetcry — see? Where was 1 ?
We 'd got to von POHL.
" Well, von POHL turned out to be the very man for the
job, and the KAISER was fair off his nut with joy about
him. He 'd got the High Seas Fleet in grand order, and
there it was dashin' up and down the Kiel Canal, grittin'
its teeth, firm' birthday salutes and waitin' for the Day.
" The KAISER went down to Kiel for all his week-ends so
as to give away the iron crosses to the submarine crews
before they go West, and they say, Cheeks, as his admira-
tion for von POHL had no bounds.
" Well, the last time he was there, musin' to himself on
the shore and wavin' his hand to the barges goin' down to
Wilhehnshaven for more anchors, he had a happy thought.
His active brain turned in the direction of Admiral VON
HOLTZENDORFF.
" Now you got to understand that VON HOLTZ, ever since
he got the push and his pension, had been livin' the life of
a simple German gentleman in Berlin. As far as can be
gathered, lie behaved no different to nobody. He planted
taters in his window-boxes, he wrote to the papers, signing
himself ' Too old at 84,' and he sung the ' Hymn of Hate '
before and after meals, just like everybody else who has to
subscribe to the War Loan.
" One fine mornin' he gets a wire from his Imperial
Master: 'All is forgiven. Can find you a new job.' That was
at 9 A.M. ; and you can bet, Cheeks, that, grabbin' up his
telescope and pack o' patience cards, he caught the 9.40
all right.
" The KAISER was all affability. He sends for Admiral
BACHMANN, who 's the head of the Naval General Staff.
' BACHMANN,' he says, ' you thick-headed numskull, what 's
this I hear about your plannin' another triumphant attack
on the fortifications of Scarborough ? ' 'It 's not me,' says
BACHMANN, ' it 's my fool of a vice-chief, BEHNCKE.' ' Then
you both take the push," says the KAISER. Whereupon turn-
ing to our old friend, VON HOLTZENDORFF, he says, hardly
able to keep the tears gushin' from his eyes, ' You 're about
the biggest back number in the country, HOLTZEY, and it 's
up to me to give you the softest job that 's going. You 're
appointed Chief of the Naval General Staff,' he says;
'and you can name your own Vice-Chief,' he adds, 'vicey
that reckless feller BEHNCKE.' Well, HOLTZEY votes for
VON KOCH, who was friends with him in the old days
when the German Navy used to have Cinderellas on the
quarter-deck and knew nothin' of the horrors of war.
And that 's how it stands now, Cheeks."
"It don't give me no qualms, Jack," says Cheeks.
" Well, I dunno. Here 's this VON HOLTZENDORFF, who
used to command the Battle Fleet in the days when there
were no battles, succeeded first by VON INGENOHL and then
by VON POHL, and then as a crownin' disgrace shoved
along with his pal VON KOCH into the Naval General Staff
vicey BACHMANN and BEHNCKE. It may not be lettin'
loose the dogs of war, Cheeks, m'lad, but it looks very
much to me as if the German fleet is goin' to hold a regatta !"
Tennyson on the new Budget Duties.
" Not once or twice in our rough island story
The path of Duty was the way to Glory."
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— OCTOBEB 6. 1915.
GANYMEDE AND THE GERMAN EAGLE
OCTOIIKH 6, 1915.]
.PUNCH, 01! TIIK LONDON Ml MMV.MM.
Youthful Officer. "You BEALLY MUST BEND MT NEW BREECHES TO-DAT. I'M OFF TO FHANCE TO-MOBBOW, AND I
REGIMENT HAS A BATTLE ON FOR THE WEEK-END."
ON BELLONA'S HEM.
THE EULINQ PASSION.
WE were crossing from Portsmouth
to Eyde. The almost horizontal rain
[rom the indigo cloud drove us all under
cover, and I found myself beneath the
captain's bridge, packed hard against
two lieutenants. Hence if I became
listener to their confidences the
offence must be charged not to any
wish of mine to eavesdrop but to the
vagaries of the English August.
Yet no secret of warfare did they
unfold. In fact, but for their khaki and
their puttees and their canes, they might
still have been conversationalists in the
piping times of peace.
Having dismissed the weather with
their best but inadequate adjectives,
they turned to the real topic of interest
for the young and spirited officer — the
mo-bike. One of them had a mo-bike
on the island and was going to fetch it
back ; the other had a mo-bika on the
mainland, and was, for the day, being
dragged sadly from it. Each had had
astonishing experiences which they re-
lated so eagerly against the other's that
neither story was ever quite finished,
or rather, as in some of the magazines,
the first instalment of the new one ran
concurrently with the last of the old.
It was wonderful what resources
each had extracted from his jigger. A
tragedy, however, hung over the one
whose jigger was on the mainland ; for,
would you believe it, that young ass So-
and-so (I know his name, but mercifully
suppress it) had missed parade so often
owing to his smash-ups that anyone
else who defected from a similar cause
was to be forbidden to ride one again.
It was a pity that asses like So-and-so
ever got into a regiment ; but on the
whole the speaker could not deny that
their crowd was a jolly decent one.
Still, it would be a foul thing if mo-
bikes were stopped.
But for some trouble once with the
carburetter, the other speaker's mo-bike
had never let him down yet, and i
was second-hand too. Nor had his
friend much fault to find with his,
except that it was such a whale for oil.
It was jolly decent of the police, they
both decided, to be so careless about
the speed limit now, but then of course
they never know whether or not one is
on duty : one of the good points about
khaki. Had the other ever clapped
eyes on old Blank (I have his name
too) on his Eegal ? Talk about a flyer.
Never stopped for anyone, even in the
town. A bit rotten, the speaker thought
that. One ought to have some con-
sideration, dash it all ! Yes, the other
agreed, of course one ought. But out in
the country let her rip. " Absolutely,"
said the other.
" Last Sunday," said the first, " I went
to see my people. Forty miles an hour
or over if I was doing an inch . . .'
" Forty-two I was doing for a bit on
Friday," said his friend, " until a string
of A.S.C. lorries pulled me up. Con-
found them! It was between . . .
But here the sun came out and I
returned to the open deck.
puncb's "Roll of Donour.
PHILIP BAYNES, Acting Sergeant,
1st Rifle Brigade, reported missing.
Mr. BAYNKS, who had been through
the Boer War, enlisted as a private,
and went out to the Front last October.
! As an artist he had won a wide repu-
1 tation, and his strong, fresh work was
familiar in Punch. Wo join with his
large circle of friends in the earnest
hope that a career of such high promise
has not been cut short.
286
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI
[OCTOHEH 6, 1915.
A BEST SELLER.
" I DON'T want one," I said to the
rather seedy-looking individual who
had invaded me, but lie was very
insistent.
"Put it on my desk, you mean," I "I know.
said. " No power on earth could keep I met
But as I was coming up
man at the bottom of the
1 Well, Sir," he said, " you may think , you might say."
it. there, what with my typist and the i stairs who said lie knew you. He told
woman who keeps my rooms tidy." me ho had been calling to see you and
" That 's the beauty of the cover," he you weren't in."
said. " If it 's mislaid, it finds itself, as " But I am in, as you see. How did
you don't, but you do, if I may say
so. It 's specially prepared for the use
of litery gentlemen. Gives a lot of
information not contained in most
diaries. List of all the Lord Mayors,
City Comp'nies, Members of 1'a.rli'-
metit, Gov'ment officials — and
salaries, leading events in
'istry, rank and pay in Army
and Navy, dates of important
battles —
" Does it say definitely
when the War will be over?"
I asked.
" Tables of weights and
measures, rates of post-
their
' It certainly is
Well, you 're very
try one, just this once."
noisy," I
persuasive,
lie know who you were?"
said. " He didn't. He asked if I was
I '11 going up to see you."
"Did he happen to be a seedy-
I saw it was no use inter-
rupting his parrot stunt.
He 'd learnt it and had to
get it o!T his chest.
"Leading authors and
artists, playwrights, actors,
insurance companies and
rates —
" Including Zepp rates ? "
I pushed in.
" Names of leading clubs,
churches, banks — in fact
nearly everything you want
to know."
"Except," I said, "when
this confounded War will be
over."
" Ah," he said, " a book as
would tell you that would be
worth its weight in gold,
Sir, whereas this useful little
volume is only a shilling."
"What's it called?" I
said.
'"The Litery Man's Di-
ary and Vade Mecum.' " Aa
he pronounced it " Vade "
rhymed with "wade." "Gives
name of every street in London."
had evidently left this bit out.
" I know," I said, " about as many
as I can carry in my head already."
" You don't need to remember them,"
he said, " with this book. It remembers
them for you."
" But I couldn't think of carting it
about with me," I said.
" Why not, Sir ? It 's very small."
" But think," I said, " what I have
to carry as it is. Card-case, tobacco
pouch, pipe, matches, knife, keys, money,
cheque-book, letters. My tailor wouldn't
hear of such a thing."
" Then why not keep it on your
desk. Sir?"
nesded no second invitation, and looking ruffian in a black tail coat ami
when the man had gone I glanced a red bow tie ? "
through the book. I don't remember " That was the disguise," said Arthur,
exactly in what year Lord LOEEBUKN " that and a brown howler hat."
" Now I wonder," I said,
" why he told you I was
out."
" Don't know. He told
me you had asked him to call
with a copy of a book he had
with him."
" The sort of thing he
would say. Was it," I asked,
" a book about ships and
shoes and sealing-wax, and
cabbages and kings :' "
" It seemed comprehen-
sive," said Arthur, "so I
bought a copy for myself."
"The old villain! "I said.
" So did I. There 's my copy.
| No, there, behind the coal-
box."
" That 's cheerful," he said.
" You owe me a bob."
"Why?" I asked. "I
paid him for it."
" Yes," said Arthur sweetly,
" but not for the copy that he
! said he had brought for you.
I paid for that."
Anxious Motlier. " COME AWAY, WILLIE !
WHEN THOSE GERMAN MINES MAY GO OFF ! ' '
YOU NEVEB KNOW
the
He
gave up office, but he was still Lord
Chancellor when the diary was com-
piled, and a good many other matters
appeared to have been dealt with from
the standpoint of the early part of the
century. In disgust I ffung the book
across the room, and only just in time
to miss Arthur, who happened to look
in on me.
"Hallo," he said, "I thought you
were out."
" Then why did you come up ? " I
said.
"To leave something for you," he
said.
" How should you know anything
of my movements?" I said. "You
haven't been near me for a week or two."
cost of dying.
From an undertaker's ad-
vertisement : —
"No advance in Prices for the
next Six Months, having largo
stock of materials."
I T< '/ rerlut nifiton Express.
This will comfort those who
are appalled by the increased
"SIMLA, IXDIA, Sept. 7. — The flaekwar of
Baroda has contributed five lackys of rupees
for use on the British front."
"Daily Gleaner" (Jamaica).
His Highness has apparently followed
the example of our own magnates who
have "put down their footmen."
"In 1801 the London Irish Rifles figured
among the Volunteer corps which were re-
viewed at Wimbledon ; this review forms an
interesting link with the past, for the Duke of
Wellington was one of the (ler.rrals present."
Kreniinj I'aper.
On this occasion His Grace did not
take the usual route from Waterloo, but
travelled from St. Paul's.
OCTOJHOR 6, 1915.]
PUNCH, OK TIIK LONDON CIIAIIIYAIM.
. :
A TERRITORIAL IN INDIA.
XI.
MY nr. vu Mit. I'I-NCII, A few men
from tin1 detuchmeiit have of late been
transferred to the, hill station and sub-
stitutes sent down. Among the former
was our popular Company Sergeant-
Major, who received a pleasant surprise
in the shape of a procession, Which
e-icorted him to the outer gate of the
|''orl, hearing hannors of very strange
devices and accompanied by a hand.
The hand rendered the Regimental
March on tlirou mouth-organs, an en-
trenohing tool and twenty-two washing
hasins. The whole procession sang a
chorus written specially for the occasion
and set to the tune of a popular hymn
— simple and haunting words which
must have hrought tears to his eyes: —
Sergeant- Major's going to the mou-ou-
ounl
Sergeant -Major's going to the mou-ou-
ountains,
Si'i-n":int - Major's going to the mou-ou-
ountains,
II. > couldn't stick the summer on the Plains.
This unaccustomed excitement over,
ir normal dull existence,
under conditions which render it prac-
tically impossible for us to do any
military training or to acquire any
soldierly qualities beyond a prodigious
development of language. One wonders
what will happen in respectable British
homes after the War, when moments
of excitement lead to lapses into army
speech.
Our Company Quartermaster -Ser-
geant did, a short time ago, foresee this
danger, and seriously contemplate!
making a vow to refrain entirely from
i ing. A day or two later he was
heard passionately declaring that he
was thankful he had not decided
to do anything so foolish and wa
still at liberty to express himself on th
subject of this - - pricklj
heat. The regimental dhurzi, wbx
overheard him, has not since been seer
But, apart from the ills of the llesl
peculiar to a tropical climate, I thin
much will be forgiven to a Qu
master-Sergeant on detachment dutj
Mniiy and excessively difficult are th
problems with which he has to grapple
I will give you one authentic example.
Picture him' faced with a peremptory
demand from headquarters for extra
duty pay due to a certain corporal for
leu king after a fire-engine, with no de-
tails of the case beyond the knowledge
that while he is sitting in a fort in the
Punjab the fire engine is away in the
south of the United Provinces and the
corporal is in a hill-station up on the
borders of Nepal, and that he has no
money to send him. This sort of thing
is of daily occurrence.
ECONOMY.
"BY THE WAY, CAN YOU THINK OF ANYONE KM* WE COULD 8ESD A WIUK TO?
PRICE 18 OO1NO CP SOON." _^^^
Detachment duty brings about strange
situations for others besides C.Q.S.'s. '
One of our N.C.O.s, who was Company
Orderly Sergeant for the week, found
himself one evening at the Staff Parade |
obliged by force of circumstances to
take up the additional riles of the!
Sergeant-Major (on leave) and the De-
tachment Orderly Sergeant for the day
(sick). As C.O.S. he gravely reported
himself present to himself as S.-M. and
then repeated the process as D.O.S., in
each case carefully addressing himself
as " Sir." Then, at the instance of the
Officer of the day, he, as S.-M., formally
reproved himself as C.O.S. for being
himself D.O.S. instead of having ap-
pointed a deputy for the occasion . . .
I spare you the further complications
which ensued. I am not sure whether
I have these right.
We still get indications that there is
a war going on somewhere in Europe
which seems likely to continue. Occa-
sionally, too, we have concrete evidence
in the shape of wounded Indian soldiers
returned from the Front. They are full
of their experiences; and their visits to
France, and in many cases to England,
have given them a new gift of tongues.
A wounded Carwhali, who w is wearing
i trousers of English and tunic of Indian
khaki, was at pain* to explain that
in France " sabchiz [everything] was
English— trousers, kurti [coat], yes,
and pukka chajifdn too — tres chic '. "
Yours ever,
OSE OF THE PUNCH BRIGADE.
288
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[OCTOBER G, 1915.
BUNGAY LOWE AND THE BOOKSTALL-MAN.
I CAME upon them at that hour when
one is most sensitive to the uncon-
genial; just before the day's work. To
tlio bookstall-man I daresay I am even
more irritating than lie to me. Since
the War began and brought with it the
minor blessing of the truce to one's
political passions, I have been a casual
instead of a regular customer, buying
varieties of newspapers I would not
have been seen dead with in times of
peace. Moreover I think the bookstall-
man has begun to suspect that my
slender purchases are largely made,
with a view to providing myself with
the supply of coppers that come in so
useful at odd times of the day ; and ho
hates being asked for change. At any
rate he 's always rude to me if an
opportunity occurs. The other day I
thought to find favour with him by
asking for a book. I said, " Have you
Candytuft — I mean Veronica ? "
It was a real name, but unusual.
He made me repeat it, and then said
roughly, " When you know what you
do mean, I '11 see if I 've got it ; " and
I retaliated by making him change me
a half-crown for a halfpenny paper.
Parenthetically, I wonder why authors
sometimes let their progeny go forth
with such tormenting names. That
otherwise undeniable classic, The Cast-
ing Away of Mrs. Leeks and Mrs.
Aleshine, is a case in point. Good
serviceable hard-wearing titles, ready
shrunk, requiring just a medium educa-
tion to understand, and not too much
moral courage to ask for, ought to be
easily procurable. Facility in putting
them together is not hard to acquire,
and may be a most useful accomplish-
ment, as I found in • dealing with
Bungay Lowe.
Bungay Lowe as often as not travels
up to town with me. If he would only
talk about the weather I could stand it,
but he is one of those fatuous people
who consider that English weather is a
threadbare topic. He reads, it is true,
but he cannot refrain from reading pas-
sages aloud. They are generally such
things as letters he himself has written
to the newspapers, or the academic
pleasantries of Mr. BERTRAND RUSSELL.
He runs a debating society somewhere
Hampstead way, and is more than
suspected of rehearsing bits of his
speeches in his ordinary conver-
sation. When I say that since the war
began his debating activities have
apparently doubled, I think I am
delineating his character as fully as
any of my readers can possibly wish,
so when, a few mornings ago, I
arrived early at the station and saw
Bungay Lowe at the other end of the
platform await ing me, I took temporary
refuge at the bookstall, where my other
enemy was in a particularly curt and
uncivil mood and muttered curses over
fivepenco-halfpenny. I then advanced
under cover of The Daily Screen and
\v;is incontinently caught.
Bungay Lowe's breast-pocket was
bulging with manuscript, and I was
soon fated to know that he had on him
the notes of the speech that he was to
deliver that evening. I must let him
read me some extracts on the way up ;
1 might make some valuable sugges-
tions and perhaps help him out with
a quotation or two. What was the
motion to be debated? Oh, well, it
wasn't a debate exactly ; he was giving
them a paper entitled, " Are we quite
fair to the Germans ? " There would
be a discussion, perhaps, but no division.
I have a somewhat confused remem-
brance of what followed in that walk
up and .down the platform with Bungay
Lowe. I recall that he asked me if I
did not think it was our sacred duty as
Englishmen to try honestly to arrive
at the point of view of the Germans ;
and, assuming the German point of view-
to be somewhere the other side of the
Rhine, I cordially agreed, adding, "By
whatever way round," a phrase which
he immediately jotted down. He then
asked me if any rational being who
knew anything of Germany could
credit half the stories of atrocities in
Belgium and France. I waxed eloquent
again and said that there was no single
authentic recorded instance of German
soldiers having cooked and eaten an
enemy civilian. That, I added, was a
proof of truly remarkable powers of
self - restraint. All this was duly re-
corded and no doubt worked up into a
point. We were getting on finely,
but I doubted my power to keep
it up during the impending journey,
which I much dreaded. Suddenly an
inspiration came to me. The train
was not yet quite due, but no time was
to be lost.
" Of course you 've read those little
books by ' Jingo ' — an ironical pseudo-
nym, as you will guess — that bear so
admirably upon your purpose?" I
asked. " No ? My good man, they 're
full of what you want. Quaint bits of
Shavian philosophy expressed in won-
derful sentences. Not read them or even
heard of them ? Get them at once.
Let me see, there are three in a definite
sequence. Change for a Sovereign;
you can see what that 's about — the
case for democratic control could not be
more admirably presented. A Penny-
worth of Manners ; that 's an open
letter to a diplomatist, who with a
ha'porth more could have saved the
situation. And, lastly, A German
, a wonderful picture of the
domestic virtues of the enemy we are
so ruthlessly waging war upon. Our
friend at the bookstall might have one
of them — you can but try. Remember
the order : Change for a Sovereign : A
I'eiiu i/worth of Manners ; A Gcninni
Mother."
The signal went down as Bungay
Lowe sought the bookstall. I watched.
He had to wait a minute or two, and
then I could see his irritating profile as
he enunciated with the ghastly distinct-
ness which I have always found to be so
exasperating, and which with inferiors
always suggests a hidden intention
of sarcasm, the three enquiries I had, I
flatter myself, so ingeniously framed
for him.
The first twTo evidently drew blanks.
At the third there was some sort of
upheaval in the bookstall. Bungay
Lowe stepped suddenly back and a
small but interested crowd gathered.
What followed appeared, as far as I
could see, to partake of the triple nature
of a debate, a discussion, and a dog-
fight. I imagined Bungay Lowe to be
pointing out that there is no disparage-
ment in imputing Teutonic parentage
to any man, and he would infallibly do
so, if I know him at all, to his own
country's belittlement. He would urge
the propriety of seeing ourselves as
others see us, and this would give the
bookstall-man an obvious opening, At
any rate my immediate point was
gained. Bungay Lowe lost the train,
or at least my end of it.
WHEN THE HEROES RETURN.
LEST WE FORGET.
Mother England has been forgetful
before ; Mother England has been for-
getful. I wonder if she will be forgetful
at the end of this War, when the
heroes come back. I am thinking, I
admit, of certain heroes in whom I
take a particular interest.
Before the War they were in London
and threw up, some of them, their
positions unasked.
Their places now are filled. Will
they be kept open for them against
their return ? Belgium and France
know their worth if England yet does
not. Let Belgium and let France,
speak.
Let them speak. I cannot — the sub-
ject moves me too strongly. But let
England answer, and let her answer
soon. What will she do when these
heroes come back to her ? What will
the hostelries of England do when
Hans and Fritz and Carl return ?
Military Wedding Equipment.
"Sam Browne belt, single brace and frog,
best bridal leather."
OCTOHKK f), 10I.V
PUNCH, Oil TIIK LONDON rilAIMVAIM.
THE BUDGET.
"WELL LOOK 'ERE. FEB THE SAKE O' AROTMENT, SUPPOSE YOCB INCOME '8 A HCSDBED AND FIFTY J-OCSDS A
••NOT ME I A,N'T BU.PPOS.N' »OTH«K. You «D AKOV ME IXTEK TH.NKI*' IT « A HUNDBED AHB WTT 1OC.D. » A.AHT T
MINUTES, AN' TOUCH ME FOB A QUID AFOBE I'D LAID 'AUDB ON IT. ^ -
BUTTONS.
THEY couldn't make the old chap
<;rasp there was a war, and, instead of
joining the little group of bent-backed
cronies outside the village e.itnmini't,
he would sit at his window, mumbling
•uul grumbling. Standing arms akimbo,
in her check - patterned apron, his
daughter shouted herself hoarse. Now
she pointed to me, sipping delicious
coffee, belt unfastened, at the parlour
table; now she nodded towards the
eighty cars-old grandson drilling his
s niad" of grimy-faced ijaniina outside
in the sunlit street. Grandpere merely
gaped at her; with his patched linen
blouse, felt slippers, and a beard like
Kip Van Winkle's, he was half blind,
deaf, and — as far as I could make out
— dumb.
We were in support billets that
week, going forward in working parties
for night-digging; but about an hour
before sunset this white-cupped bustling
daughter had beckoned me hospitably
indoors, calling my attention, as sh.'
joured out the coffee, to framed photo-
graphs of her three soldier sons and
ler husband, who was a corporal in
a machine-gun section and looked as
;hough he meant business.
" ( 'oquin 1 " cried she and, hastening
suddenly into the road, rescued the
snub-nosed, straight-fringed grandson
from the wheels of an A.S. motor
lorry. Leaning back, I was whistling
under my breath, mechanically rubbing
up a tunic button, when, from the
chair by the window, a slow deliberate
movement caught my eye, and — well,
believe it or not as you choose, I had
wakened Kip Van Winkle back to life.
First (though I never could convince
his daughter of it) he winked his right
eye ; next, chuckling so that he showed
his toothless gums, and holding his
head an inch or two higher, he drew
down the cuff of his blouse, polishing
an imaginary button. Screwing up
his dim old eyes, he rubbed patch after
patch on that faded blue linen, and, as
if the familiar action called up Good
knows what crowding meinorie
of youth and war, of chuusses i-
and" kfjiis, lie muttered, with a sig-
liticant jerk of his heat! towards the
vindow : "A Berlin ! A Hrrlin!"
Biblia abiblia.
Another reison why the more prominent
awycrs do not have a (air understanding "I
accountancy fundamentals, is the growing
)ractico to employ a qualified accountant—
,hi» practice we heartily MOlIMDa
iftor the bokos." — Mercantile Haiettr. X.X.
Extract from a school-girl s i-s-ay on
•Women's Work in War Time":
"Women are now driving train-cars
instead of their husbands."
-Wanted for me, and for me alone, and
only a voung Girl or a young Woman who is n
real and a willing wrvant. Apply to me, and
to me alone, and only upon this Saturday
between the hours of half past three and hall
past five p.m. . and on the next Sunday between
the hours of one and two p.m. ; wages 10s
each week."— Adrt. «> " Irish Time*."
We like the opening of the poem, bu
the rhythm breaks down rather badly
later on.
2SO
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[OCTODKK 6, 1915.
A NAVAL DISASTER.
Sub. "DASH IT ALL! I'VE CLEAN FORGOTTEN THE NAME OF THE GIRL I'M WRITING TO!'
THROUGH THE GATE OF HORN:
A DABDANELLES DEEAM.
IN that dark hour before the dawn comes thronging,
When people die and soldiers stand to arms,
I lay and wrestled with a wicked longing
To yield ungrudgingly to Lethe's charms.
I weighed it well ; for in Battalion Orders
High powers had registered their awful aim : —
All subalterns to be unwinking -warders
Throughout that period. But all the same
There are some times one simply has to keep
For certain things. This was the time for sleep.
I said, " There stands a great unwrit tradition,
Which kills off Colonels and makes Generals grey,
•That none who holds His Majesty's Commission
Shall nod by night or be at rest by day ;
But in this middle time, when all is quiet,
When shells are silent and no flies intrude,
When no sun scorches and no rifles riot,
And even my platoon requires no food,
Shall I not slumber and the KING forgive ?
The answer is in the affirmative.
"And, if the Staff suspect the man VON SANDERS
Of swift offences and the use of gas,
I might remind them we are not in Flanders
(Where one, it seems, may be that sort of ass),
But nigh to Troy, where men employed no vapours
Nor made attacks at this unnatural time,
And Troy's traditions shall forbid such capers
While cultured Turks possess the classic clime ;
These haunts of chivalry shall still condemn
The least activity at three A.M."
But anyhow, I slept. And then like thunder
Big clouds of battle burst about my head.
Methought a sentry made some hideous blunder ;
The Turk came creeping and the ground was dead ;
Soft over Dardanus the sun stood staring ;
On Achi Baba paled the startled moon,
When Islam's gallantest, with sounds like swearing,
Drove back the pagans of the tenth platoon.
A man called Ismail, in dirty blue,
Stood kicking me. I woke — and it was true.
•'.- & % ~'.' •]• •!' #
The time is tedious in Constantinople ;
Meanwhile I pen this melancholy screed
To friendly neutrals, and perhaps the POPE '11
Be touched and intervene and have me freed.
Haply my lines, like some distressful pennant,
Shall flutter forth to that embattled Strait
And reach and teach some drowsy Sub-Lieutenant
To be more dutiful. At any rate
The British Fleet will know that I am there,
And not bombard without the greatest care.
Another Injustice to Ireland.
" Despite the protests of public boards in the County Boscommon,
the police barracks at Frenchpark was closed yesterday by order of
the Inspector-General." — Irish Paper.
"A general experimenting with cheaper tobaccos is going on
throughout the country." — 3forning Paper.
We hope the intrepid officer will not go too far with this
deadly work.
Precision.
" The funeral was the Jlargest witnessed in the district for many
years." — Glasgow Herald.
_PUNOH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI .-fv^... 6, 1915.
THE NEW DEPARTURE.
THE CROWN PBINCE. "YOU WERE COMPLAINING THE OTHER DAY, FATHER, THAT YOUR
GENERALS ON THE WEST FRONT WERE STUCK FAST. WELL, WE'RE ON THE
MOVE NOW."
ITNCII, oi! TIIK LONDON CIIAIMVAIM.
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
: , |] 1, MiH.M Till'. DlAUY Of TollY, M.I'.)
lluiisi1 nl' Commons, Tuesday, Si'/ih
•JS///. The few strangers who strayed
I iallery over dock looked down on
I,- gcene. When Questions were
idled on; att.endiince of Members so
canty that, hud Standing Order
:t od :in iniiuediato count,
e must necessarily have
ortliwith adjourned for lack of
i (Hioruni. CHAPLIN as usual
Hinctual in his place bearing
vit.li the e:ise of Atlas the load
of Leadership of Opposition.
Vs QUEST had not yet. arrived, he
iMil Front Bench all to himself,
Serial Bench being scarcely
nore populous.
Reasonable to suppose that,
1< irions news brightening Sunday
iiorning being fully confirmed in
0 Jay's telegrams, there would bo
Im.nged attendance and preva-
.enco of high spirits breaking out
in ringing cheers when perchance
•vents of preceding forty-eight
hours were alluded to. The
House, in this respect true repre-
sentative of the nation, was to all
appearance absolutely unmoved by
sudden turn in tide of war. Doggedly
meaning to go on with the business to
the end, it was no more elated by sudden
victory than it had been depressed by
long continuance of monotonous firing
from opposite trenches. It was all in
the day's work, and till the day's work
is done the nation is not disposed to
waste time or fritter away strength in
emotional outbursts.
EDWARD GREY made his weekly
appearance on the Treasury Bench.
Brought with him momentous message
for Bulgaria. Couched in that courteous
but firm language of which he is master.
British sympathy with the Bulgarian
people is warm and sincere, but if the
little kingdom, egged on by Germany,
assumes an aggressive attitude on the
side of the enemy " we are prepared to
give to our friends in the Balkans all
the support in our power, in the manner
most welcome to them, in concert with
our Allies, without reserve and without
qualification."
Loud cheer from the now gathering
audience greeted an unmistakable ulti-
matum.
Never was ultimatum delivered in
tho same fashion. With elbows resting
on tho brass-bound box, with body bent
and head hung down, the FOREIGN
Sum.yrAUY, in level voice, read the
historic document as he might have
cited a weekly report on the Dead
Meat Market. This habit of lolling
over the Table when replying to a
question comparatively new but increas-
ingly overmastering. Well worth whilu
;njj.
1 !r rniKit usefully call' :on to
fact that tho (luvcrnmcnt |>;iv Herman
otlicers, prisoners in this country, from
one -third to one -half us much again
as Germany pays to British pn
SIR EDWARD GREY ON BULGARIA.
of war of same rank. Wanted to
know whether, in view of fact that
German Government have by the
murder of non-combatants on sea and i
on land, by bombardment of unfortified J
towns, and by numerous other acts of j
barbarity, systematically violated the j
Hague Conventions, the British Govern- 1
rnent will in future pay to German j
officers who are prisoners of war in >
this country the same daily or monthly
i no m. I l>y
who aro prisoners of war in Gem.
made perfunctory : •. tax-
payer, fi. -<\, would I*-
obliged if .irpeo
nifo und hack
till it is reduced to sensible
nessliko shape.
PIUMK MIMSTKH made urgent
appeal for abstention from i
ing at present juncture question
of comparative merits of National
and Voluntary Ben-ice. General
cheer backed up appeal. ' .
however, having prepared speech
on subject, not to be put off.
Endeavoured to open debate on
motion for Third Reading of
Consolidated Fund Bill. House
not disposed to follow the lead.
Conversation collapsed in time
for adjournment at live minutes
to seven, with time found for
discussion of interrogatories ad-
ministered to incumbents of
Welsh Church by the Com-
missioners appointed under Welsh
Church Act.
Business done. — Consolidated
Fund Bill read a Third time.
Pleading for retrenchment in tho salaries
of German prisoners.
MB. BUTCUEB.
THE ANGELS OF MONS.
IT may be just that folks have Hocked
To glorify a pretty tale ;
It may be truth that Something
blocked
That desperate battle trail,
And, anyhow, the story's growing
stale.
But, true or not, there's this is right,
Sure as man lives and murder's
done,
Fate never mixed another fight
Since wars were first begun
With so much Freedom to be lost or
won.
And swearing Tommies, beaten back,
But rallying still their broken line
Against the howling Prussian pack,
May not have seemed divine,
But still did heroes' work and did it
fine.
Whether they saw the shining crew,
ST. GEORGE and all the rest of it,
Or only found a job to do _
And meant to stand their bit,
Something or Someone gave them grip
and grit.
"The Zeppelin says tho report was probably
accompanied by several others."
Morning Paper.
The Zeppelin may have said so, but
you can never believe a gas-bag.
294
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[OCTOUER 6, 1915.
THE TESTING OF A PATRIOT.
THE NOVELIST ASTEAY.
(Vide "Fiction in War-time." — Times,
September 25.J
A SAPIENT writer in The Times
Defends from malediction
Writers of note who now devote
Their energies to fiction.
The novel, in the writer's view,
Is not alone the medium
Of entertaining me and you
By dissipating tedium.
It has a higher, nobler side,
A more exalted mission —
That of diffusing, far and wide,
Ethics and erudition.
All science comes within its scope ;
Social reform it teaches ;
It brings to the despairing hope ;
Consoles, exhorts and preaches.
So far The Times, which has once more
Performed the easy function
Of " breaking in an open door "
With much superfluous unction.
No reasonable person kicks
Against the novel-writer
So long as to his last ho sticks
Or leaves it as a tighter.
But indignation fills the soul
And makes the tongue mephitic
When he usurps the tiresome role
Of military critic.
"Sir George Askwith to-day met at Old
Palace Yard representatives of the wood-
workers on Government work who are on strike
at Barnstaple for an increase of Id. per hour."
A1 re ning Paper.
" Wouldn't workers " is what we should
call them.
After the Raid.
" ESSEX. — Bungalow, furnished: near
shell beach." — Hunting I'aprr.
"Heavy rains again fell in Khartum and
vicinity last Saturday night and several lakes
have been formed in various parts of the town,
some of which are still navigable. Mosquitoes
are not allowed to breed in them, under
penalty of a heavy fine ; and notices to that
effect will undoubtedly be posted at each lake
before long." — Eyi/jiliun Hail.
The success of British rule in the
Soudan has not been exaggerated.
" The result of the tax would be to raise the
price of sugar a halfpenny in the £."
Eilinbnrijli Evening Despatch.
Scottish grocers are notoriously less
grasping than their English brethren,
"Lieutenant, Regular Forces, requests small
assistance for wife 15,000 miles away."
The 7
As the circumference of the earth is
only 25,000 miles, we infer that the
advertiser is in the Flying Corps and
pretty high up.
" By ordering 'The Star,' and signing a
similar receipt form inserted in it, YOUU LIFE
will be insured against Xcppclins. Therefore
YOU ARE SAFE if you sign the free insurance
forms in "mi: DAILY NM:\VH' and 'THE STAR.'"
Daily News.
It is rumoured that Count ZEPPELIN
on reading the above notice realized the
futility of Ids efforts and sent in his
resignation.
OCTOHKR 6, 1915.]
PUNCH, Oi; Till-: LONDON ( II \!;iv.\i;i.
,',
Artist. "HEBE, I BAY! WHAT ABE you vp TO BKIIIND MY EASEL?"
Fut/itive. "!T'S ALL BIGHT, SIB. IT'S MY BIO BBUVVEB TBYIS' TEB COP MB wiv A STORE. "
A EOBIN AT THE FRONT.
IT didn't take Jules long to flutter
his way into the heart of every Tommy
in tlio trench, for there is much that
is commrn to the methods of English
and French robins. There wasn't a
man in the whole platoon who would
bare hurt one feather of that tiny body;
and Jules knew this perfectly well, and
traded on his knowledge in the most
shameless manner.
No dug-out however secluded was
from his little inquisitive pres-
ence, if he wanted companionship; his
" cheep, cheep " was too persistent to
be ignored, and every occupation had
to lie tin-own aside if Jules demanded
amusement.
He had lived among quiet peasants,
but one night the great change came,
and Jules woke to find the farm deso-
lule and abandoned.
It was unspeakably dreary. For
two days and nights ho was desolate,
(•in on the third night the soldiers
came.
I le had never dreamed there could be
so many nun in the world, and lie was
afraid. The soldiers were noi-sy. They
sang and laughed and s\\ore, and Jules
did not understand English and hated
it all in his little heart.
But suddenly his interest was aroused-
They began digging trenches — good
honest digging ; he could understand
that.
Digging meant worms, and worms
ready dug save a robin a great deal of
trouble. So he took courage, and gradu- '
ally edged himself nearer to the busy-
men, his little head first on one side, I
then on the other.
The Tommy nearest, happening to
catch sight of him, carelessly threw
him a small worm. It was very pink
and it wriggled irresistibly.
Jules hesitated. Should he? Did he
dare ? Yes ! With a quick darting
movement he was upon it. The next
instant, at a safe distance, lie was bolt-
ing it greedily, and the friendship
lie! ween Jules and the soldiers began.
He was soon entirely one of them, as
British as the most British of them all,
his gay cheery little presence, in his
suit of monk brown with the red waist-
coat, bringing an air of gaiety to the
boredom of trench life.
The men used to watch for his coming
and beguile him to stay. His special
friend, Private Delarey, taught him
several engaging tricks, and Jules — for
he came of true French stock — loved
showing himself off.
But the end of his good time came
quite sudderjy. Snugly tucked away
for the nighf, ho knew nothing of the
brilliant attack, and counter-attack
delivered with sucli swiftness. If he
heard the sharp rattle of rides and spit
of machine guns, it was drowsily in his
sleep, and he was not disturbed, for ho
had grown used to these noises, so that
when morning came ho could not under-
stand why the men in greyish blue
uniform now occupying the tn-in-h
where he lived were not the friends he
bad played with overnight.
It pux/led him, this tiling. Where
was Delarey? Why did no one offer
him food ?
I Ic wandered drearily from end toend
of the trench, seeking some solution.
Ah, at last one of the men had thrown
him something! He inspected it deli-
cately, head on one side. Surely some
mistake : it was a stone !
The next was tatter timed and aimed.
This hit him fairly and hard, and, with
just one tiny choking gasp, Jules gave
up his little ghost.
And Delarey, in a small field hospital.
miles away, with a piece of shr.iptiel
in his side and a raging head, nnr
feverishly at intervals —
" Pore" little Jools ! Wish we 'd 'ad
time to fetch 'im along. 'Ope they '11
look arter Jools."
293
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[OCTOBER 6, 1915.
A BALLAD OF BULBS.
FOR several months I 've striven hard to curb undue expense ;
I conjugate the verb "to save" in ev'ry mood and tense ;
And when Extravagance allures I sternly bid her hence.
I walk into the City, ay and back, on my ten toes ;
Unhailed by me in rain or shine the flying taxi goes ;
No more the merry motor-bus my solid presence knows.
I 've laid a drastic ban upon the winsome cigarette ;
Against the early morning tea my face I 've sternly set ;
I wear goloshes unabashed whenever it is wet.
Pursuing the example set by the KING and Court,
I' have abjured my single after-dinner glass of port ;
I stick to barley-water, and I drink it by the quart.
But in the strongest bodies there 's a vulnerable spot ;
ACHILLES had it in his heel, and in his heel was shot ;
I thought I was temptation-proof, but found that I was not.
For six long months so tightly and unflinchingly I drew
My purse-strings that on luxuries I never spent a sou ;
And then bang went five shillings like a bolt from out the
blue.
It wasn't for the War Loan mill that they provided grist ;
No, the mischief was accomplished by a seedsman's fatal
list,
And they were blued on bulbs, for bulbs I never could resist-
UNWRITTEN LETTERS TO THE KAISER.
No. XXVIII.
(From the GERMAN EiiPEaoit.)
MY DEAR WILLIE. — When you receive this I shall be
quite dead. Even before the outbreak of the War I had
been ailing. On August 1st, 1914, I took to my bed and
was definitely separated from you. I did not feel the
separation much ; it was no great wrench, for latterly, as
you know, I had had but little chance to distinguish
myself by any useful activity. Though we still kept up a
show of living together the strain was obviously becoming
too great to continue much longer. Then came the break,
and now, as I say, I am going. Even had the War by
some miracle been avoided I doubt if our companionship
could have been maintained. To be bullied and neglected
is never pleasant, and that was evidently the fate which
you had marked out for me. The lesson is a bitter one.
Would that I had learnt it sooner. I should have saved
myself much pain and many harsh disappointments.
As I look back upon my chequered career I ask myself
whether I was at any time sufficiently real and convincing
for the task I had undertaken to perform. Our articles ot
association (if I may put it in that way) laid it down that
I was to be the good, kind, gentlemanly chivalrous family-
Emperor whose only fault was to be a taste for practical
jokes of a simple and innocent sort ; while you were to play
your part in shining armour as an Olympian War-god or in
diplomatic intrigues as a modern reincarnation of MACHIA-
YELLI. I was to discuss the merchant marine with Herr
BALLIN" at Hamburg, while you were to plan Dreadnoughts
with VON TIRPITZ at Kiel or at the Vulcan Works at Stettin.
KRUPP was to be in your department ; I was to listen to
Dr. DRYANDER'S sermons and talk peace-talk to the American
Ambassador. You were to review the Berlin garrison on
the Tempelhofer field and to tell recruits to shoot down
their fathers and mothers at your order ; and I was to gain
a reputation for harmless levity and Imperial bonhomie by
pulling away the chair on which some portly industrial
magnate was about to seat himself. This may have been
slightly vulgar, but it was undoubtedly very funny. At any
rate the whole Court laughed most heartily whenever I
did it.
Then again there was my visit to Lord LONSDALE with
the object of persuading the simple English that we were,
after all, a true English gentleman, fond of grouse-shooting
and all other English sports. Really I almost wished you
had yourself been present instead of me when we drove
through Cumberland with outriders and postillions, and an
escort of splendidly mounted British Yeomanry prancing
and clattering all round us. The whole affair went off
most successfully, and had excellent results. Unfortunately
the same cannot be said of the interview in which I laid
bare our heart to the London Daily Telegraph. That was
meant to please the English, but for some reason it had
the opposite effect, and besides all the Germans became
furious about it too, and the throne rocked in the storm.
The Tweedmouth letter was no more successful, but that
was yours, not mine. Nor had I anything to do with the
theatre parade to Jerusalem or with the foolish Morocco
adventure. These enterprises, like all the other insanities
of which I have not strength to write down the list, were
hatched in your brain, and, though I protested against
them, I was overborne. Can you wonder that I hailed our
separation as a release from an intolerable position ?
Well, you now have the War on which you were bent,
and all I can say is that I hope you like it. I, at any rate,
have had no part in it, and cannot he asked to bear any of
the responsibility for it. That is yours and yours alone.
You have the satisfaction of reflecting that you have put
in peril that great structure for the foundation of which
thousands of Germans gladly gave their lives. And you,
and those who have urged you on or followed you, now
stand forth before the world as men who have ruthlessly
trampled under foot all laws by which mankind sought to
mitigate ferocity, to protect the lives of the innocent and
to hold tyranny in check.
(Signed) WILHELM I. ET R.
A Mixed Marriage.
From The Glasgow Bulletin, under heading " Edinburgh
Military Wedding": —
"Lieutenant Nicol Bruce, 7th Prov. Stewart, daughter of Dr.
Stewart Bruce, Banff, and Miss Margaret Battalion B.S., son of
Eev. Dr. ... "
Mr. Punch's best compliments to that fine body of Amazons>
the Miss Margaret Battalion of the Royal Scots.
"MB. BAWOUR'S STRIKING NEW BOOK.
By ARTHUR MACHEN.
Published To-day."— Evening Kcirs.
Although Mr. MACHEN, on his own showing, is responsibb
for The Angels at Mons, we decline to believe this latest
claim for him. Mr. BALFOUR as a writer needs no ghostly
assistance.
" There were two charges against an eleven-year-old Cadoxton boy
named John Lake, of selling newspapers under the age of twelve \ c;irs,
and of shouting newspapers on a Sunday." — Harry Dock Neics.
If the newspapers had been above the age of twelve
years we could have better understood the reason for
the prosecution.
"BLOW THAT CKIPPLED RUSSIA." — Ei-cninj
Even a Pressimist might refrain from such an ungenerous
objurgation.
PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
THE PSYCHOLOGICAL MOMENT.
Judge (before sentencing prisoner to jjcnal serntude) " Yoo
WILL ALL BE GRATEFUL TO HEAR THAT THE PRUSSIAN C.UAKD
HAS BEEN SEVERELY PUNISHED BY OUR BRAVE TROOPS "
Dentist. "!T WILL EASE THE PAIN OF THIS EXTRACTION,
SIR, WHEN I TELL YOU THAT THE RUSSIANS HAVE EXTRICATED
THEMSELVES FROM A VERY AWKWARD POSITION."
Qarotter. "You WON'T FEEL THE LOSS or TOUB WATCH,
SIR, ON HEARING THAT WE'VE CAPTURED SEVENTY- M*! or
THE ENEMY'S GUNS."
BOSCH HUMOUR.
[The German paper, Kladderadatsch, gives
its readers a dialogue between the captain and
first officer of an English liner. After talking
of hidden cannon and machine guns in the
doctor's cabin, it goes on : —
Captain. And the papers?
Officer. The false papers arc on your desk.
Shall I falsify them a bit more?
C'l/ilain. Not yet. Where are the roldiers ?
Officer. In the coal -bunkers disguised as
niggers and sitting on baskets drinking whisky.
iitain. Are the Americans on board?
Officer. There is one on every deck spitting
all round.
Captain. Then in God's name forward] .
I HAVE seen a rhinoceros romping,
I have seen hippopotami fight,
I have watched a giraffe sprint a mile
and a-half
(The film it- as exciting that night) ;
I once saw a bull-pup give chase to a
hare,
And that was a ludicrous scramble,
And I witnessed an even more clumsy
affair
"When a porpoise indulged in a
gambol ;
I have noticed a motor-bus skidding,
Seen amateurs fix up a shelf ;
I have watched a bargee having after-
noon tea,
I have danced in the Lancers myself ;
But not till the War, when a moment
of mirth
Inspired this irreverent lyric,
Had I met with the clumsiest thing
upon earth,
An Allemand being satiric.
The Cautious Touch.
"From Bruges the Telegraaf learns that on
Sunday evening and Monday evening, about
9.30, an alleged airman appeared above the
town, dropping bombs." — t'.xeter Kipress.
"Stephen Phillips' great love tragedy, under
the title of 'Paolo and Francesca,' made a
pleasant break last night in the Shakespearean
plays which are being produced this week at
the Exeter Theatre Royal."
ilietrr Express and Echo.
Author: "But why drag in SHAK-
SPEABE ? "
"The first contracts for ' The Daily News '
Christmas Pudding Fund have now been
placed . . . Roughly speaking, it may be said
that sixpence will amply cover the portion of
one man." — Daily Ketcs.
Yes, but what portion ? The tongue
or the tummy?
CONCESSIONS TO THE VOLUNTEERS.
[It is reported that the War Office it
prepared to consider the question of allowing
Volunteers to go to the Front to dig trenches.
No payment will be made, and no uniform,
arms or ammunition provid.
IN case of being gassed at th<> Front,
Volunteers must deposit a sum in
advance to cover all hospital expenses.
They will, however lie buried without
charge. The applications of members
wishing to offer themselves as subjects
for vivisection or other dangerous ex-
periments at the hospitals will be
considered in rotation.
The War Office will consent to accept
men of good character from the Volun-
teer Corps to act as live targets for
musketry practice ; also as cover to
save the expense of sandbags. Public
School and University men preferred.
Knt ranee fee: two guineas.
'•MAD MVLLAH OF BRITISH POLITICS.
De mortuis nthil bonutn. But it i» a little
difficult to observe the rule in the case of
Mr. ." — ft'ottiitgham Guardian.
The journal appears, however, to have
made a strenuous attempt to carry out
its own maxim.
298
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[OCTOBER 6, 1915.
TOMLINSON'S PROGRESS.
went on with his rolling and his wife j opposite. "I suppose you have hoard
continued to hang out her washing about him ?"
ABOUT a fortnight after the Tomlin- j all down the hack garden with an in- " Yes," I answered sympathetically,
sons had taken " Eosedeno " in our difference to public opinion that could ! "This is a terrible war," she said,
road Miss Withers summoned a Council
of War. The Vicar's wife had of course
called on the Tomlinsons, hut, as all
the world knows, vicars' wives are
nothing to go by; they have to look
up everybody, making no distinction
between the sheep and the goats. At
the Council it was unanimously decided
that the Tomlinsons were quite im-
possible.
I was not surprised ; I had myself
noticed several unpleasant features
not have been more complete if they ! and turned and walked dejectedly up
had boon inhabiting a desert island.
MUs Withers was very bitter about it.
'This," she said, "is what comes of
the path to her front door.
But worse was in store for her.
There was no stopping the enemy. By
providing the masses with cheap edu- the end of July he was a major: in
cation." the middle of August he was invalided
I often wondered exactly what she home witli a bullet wound in his leg.
meant by tins remark, which struck me And when he returned to us it was not
as irrelevant to the situation; but she merely as an officer. Tomlinson came
repeated it so many times that at last home a V.C.
I felt sure there must be something
in it.
about Tomlinson. In saying this Ii One day last January I met her at the
am not alluding particularly to his i bottom of the road. "Have you heard?"
face, which, though unattractive, was slip siid.
perhaps no more distressing
than hundreds of others that
one encounters in the City and
elsewhere. No, it was not so
much his appearance that was
at fault as his general social
tone. In the first place, he
made a practice from the very
baginning of rolling the grass-
plot in front of his house every
evening in his shirt sleeves and
with a pipe. It has always been
tacitly agreed in our road that
personal gardening should be
strictly confined to the backs ;
fronts are done by a professional,
who visits us in turn. In the
second place, it soon became
painfully apparent that he was
addicted to the clarionet. There
are, no doubt, circles in which
this instrument is regarded as
correct ; ours is not one of them.
The piano we know, also the
violin, and Miss Withers herself
has confessed to some acquaint-
ance with the mandolin ;
I shall never forget his arrival at
" Rosedene." For an hour or more the
road had been filled by an excited
crowd, and when at last Tomlinson
'The man Tomlinson has ' appeared in a motor-car with his wife
and the General Oflirer com-
manding the district the en-
tbusiasm became so intense
that the railings in front of
Miss Withers' house gave way
with a crash and several of the
populace were deposited among
her geraniums. I was standing
quite close to the scene of the
disaster. What would Miss
Withers do ? Would she faint ?
Would she go into hysterics?
Would she sue Tomlinson for
damages? Would she write to
the papers? I half expected to
see her rush forth upon the
invaders and butcher them in
o.old blood before they could
rise. With a shudder I turned
my eyes away from the wreck,
and for a full minute I dared
not glance again in its direction.
When I did, I saw Miss Wit hers
on her doorstep. There was a
Hush on her face, but not of rage.
Oblivious of her garden fence,
oblivious of what the road might
BREAKING THE NEWS TO A FAVOURITE TEAPOT, THAT IN
j CONSEQUENCE OF THE NEW TAX THERE MUST IN FUTURE
| BE ONLY ONE SPOONFUL OF TEA FOB EACH PERSON, AND
NONE FOR THE POT.
but _
further than this we have never gone.
I think, however, that what really more
than anything else turned the scale
against our new neighbours was a
discovery that Miss Withers made about
them when they had only been amongst
us for a few days. She found out (how,
I know not) that Tomlinson was in the
habit of allowing his wife to address
him as " Sid." You will now be in a
position to grasp Tomlinson. He was,
you will see, quite beyond the pale, the
sort of man, in fact, who, if you met
him and inquired after his health, would
be nearly certain to reply, " Nicely,
thanks ; how 's yourself ? "
I confess I was a little sorry for the
Tomlinsons. It is never pleasant to
feel that one is not wanted. Yet it
must be admitted that they bore up
very bravely, so bravely, indeed, that it
almost seemed as if they hardly realised
what they were missing. Tomlinson
enlisted." It was true. Though slightly
over military age, he had prevailed
on the authorities to accept him, and
had left us to serve his King and
Country. I admired his spirit and said
so, but Miss Withers refused to share
my enthusiasm. " It is a pity they
can't take his wife too," she said. A
little later we heard that he had gained
a commission. This time it was I who
broke the news to Miss Withers. It
was obviously a blow to her, but she
took it well. " The Army is not what
it was," she remarked sententiously,
and changed the conversation. Weeks
passed, and then the gazette announced
that Tomlinson had been promoted to
the rank of captain. For several days
I avoided Miss Withers, and when at
length she overtook mo one morning I
carefully kept off the subject. As wo
parted at her gate she looked across the
road at the Tomlinsons' house just
think, she was waving in one hand
a handkerchief, in the other a small
Union Jack, and with her foot she was
beating time to the crowd's enthusiastic
rendering of "He's a jolly good fellow."
Then I did a foolish thing. A very
stout, phlegmatic -looking man was
standing immediately in front of me.
I took off his hat and Hung it high
into the air. It wa-> an act which sub-
sequently cost me half-a-guinoa. But
I didn't care. Nothing really mattered
that afternoon.
If you happen to be going clown our
road any day about 4.30 P.M., you may
possibly catch a glimpse on the lawn
behind one of the houses of a small
lady, rather past middle age, and a
short, thick-set man in khaki, who
smokes a pipe and walks with a slight
limp. It is Miss Withers and Tomlin-
son, playing croquet.
OCTOIIKK C),
ITNCH. (HI TIIK LONDON < I [ A Kl YAIM.
(condoling with French officer whoae horse hen broken hit knea). -WELL, HE WAS os HI* I
POOR "OLD CHAP ! ' '
French Officer. " MAIS NON, MONSIEUR! IT vos ON HIS FIRST LEGS THAT HE FALL." ^^^
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)
MB. CONRAD of course lias a way of looking on life as a
low, sneaking sort of fellow, lurking in unsuspected places
with a deadly sandbag. I suppose that in his Victory
(MKTHUEN) he means to show the relentlessly tragic effect
of tho malevolent gossip of an evil-minded man on the
fortunes of a guileless idealist. His central figure, Axel
Weyst, is a nobly born Swede, son of a crank, and lie
inherits a paralysing philosophy of negations and distrusts
which make him by choice a hermit, a wanderer and i
man of indecision. Out of a dubious South Pacific Island
hotel, kept by one Schomberg, a loathly, bullying*, envious
Teuton (an old villain of Mr. CONRAD'S and no product
the \Var-spirit), Heyst carries away in pity to his lonely
home a young English girl who has fallen on evil days in
a travelling troop of singers, and is being persecuted chiefly,
but not only, by the infatuated hotel-keeper, who, eager
for revenge.'by a lying tale about Hcyst's treasure o
gotten gold persuades two egregious scoundrels to follow
him. For myself I have to summon up all my faith 11
Mr. CONRAD'S artistic sincerity to believe in any such
bi/.avn- ruffians as the primitive and bloody Btcardo _anc
the languid, gentlemanly Jones. One might accept 1
in Treasure Island, but in the elaborately contrived realism
of Mr. CONRAD'S setting they seem incredibly fantastic
His perfected subtlety of method is indeed almost t
delicate a medium for the presentation of '
furious riot of passion and bloodshed that Victory in tho
end becomes. Nor can I help thinking that, preying tho
consequences of the SchoMxra-Hfytt affair far beyond
the point of decent probability, he has loaded his dice. *
to speak, and destroyed that sense of inevitability win
ought to be the dominant impression of a tragedy worked
out in this ruthlessly detailed and motived way. . .
having delivered this tentative judgment for console
sake let me beg of you to ignore the misgivings of an ultra-
sensitive and hand yourself over to the enjoyment of
delicate, tender romance and as exciting a yarn as
ever spun out of the very tough fibre of the bouth .
Islands by a master craftsman.
Mr HUGH WALPOLE displays a nice discrimination m
nurseries. This was one of my first reflections after rew
Tlus Golden Scarecrow (CABSELL). Indeed one might adver
tise the book thus:-" A/ri.v '•> Mothers. Bead this if you
wish to understand your child ! " One may at least say for
volume that it is quite unlike anything else; further, that it
is in many ways of a singular and haunting charm,
scope embraces a tour of the nurseries of a certain aratocn
London square and a sympathetic study of their mfa
owners. Mr. WALPOLE must himself be a bachelor this cla
being notoriously confirmed believers in the » trailing cln
of glory " idea of babyhood. The type is here very pleasantlj
suggested, and with a quite reverent touch of humour n
the person of a Friend (unseen by the grown-ups of 1
nurseries) whose mission it is to launch the small souls
300
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[OCTOBER 6, 1915.
upon their new life. There are of course three obvious [ old serving-man. But there were differences too ; for J/>.
clangers for a, book such as this, concerned wholly as it is ' Sampson did not come to a tragic end, and lie was no in;in
with various aspects of one idea. It might easily become ! of action, but a scholar engaged in writing a "Philosophy
priggish or sentimental or monotonous. The first of these ' of Poverty." Poverty had a capital letter in this work ; ami
perils Mr. WALT-OLE triumphantly avoids ; from the other so had the other nouns, because it was written about
two you may think perhaps that his escape has been more the middle of the eighteenth century. J/V. Sinn/i^m's
narrow. I will not do him the injustice of retailing the I philosophic meditations were interrupted one day by tho
matter of his various studies, of which his style of telling is j apparition of a young gentleman who was thrown from his
tin; great charm. But I will indicate my own preference horse over the garden-wall and landed in the violet-frame,
for the episode of Barbara Flint (an entirely delightful study with some damage to the flowers and to his own head.
of childish friendship) and for the penetration into small | Circumstances made it appear — it was only appearance —
boy nature shown in the account of Young John Scarlett on , that the gentleman thus projected was a Jacobite, pursued
the day before he first went to school. My advice further by agents of KINO GEORGE. Mr. Sampson loved him at
is — do not read the book in a lump ; keep it at hand, so that j first sight and harboured him from pursuit, and continued
when you feel like a change to refreshing society you can to love him in circumstances which made his love singularly
go upstairs with Mr. WALPOLE and spend an hour in the ! generous ; but he could not save I1'"1- A reader would lie
nursery,
climb.
It will well repay the
Stories of dual personality
have by this time lost the thrill
of novelty. In most the scheme
has been on the lines of Jekyll
and Hyde, with the Subconscious
Self usually more or less of a
bad lot. Davenport (HUTCHIX-
SON) breaks new ground, inas-
much as here the S.S. becomes |
a pattern of all the virtues, and
the personality whom at' times
he supplants remains of very in-
ferior clay. The protagonist of
Mr. CHARLES MARRIOTT'S tale
is a young photographer, who
at first adopts the disguise of a
fictitious friend, Davenport, to
whom he may attribute thoughts
and sayings of his own, which
in his ordinary state of mind he
only imperfectly comprehends.
When, owing to the interference
of a young woman with spiritu-
alistic tastes, the Davenport side
of Harry Belsize is defined, it,
or he, takes on a separate ex-
istence as a philosopher whose
writings convulse England,
while poor Harry, who is doing it all in his sleep, is
left more hobbledehoy than ever. If I fail to make this
quite clear to you, I may plead that Mr. MARRIOTT himself
has not been much more successful. There are agreeable
passages in the story, notably the picture of the over-
crowded Rectory in which poor double Harry was dragged
hard to please who found no-
thing to suit his taste in this
book. The two friends ride far
and fast to escape their pur-
suers ; and, for those who prefer
reflection to action, there a
tracts from the " Philosophy of
Poverty," containing much nice
observation of life. MAHJORIE
PICKTHALL'S style is delicate
and pretty, and from beginning
to end her work shows a very
dainty craftsmanship.
A SUBURBAN GENTLEMAN, RETURNING FUOM THE ClTY,
WITH HIS MIND PULL OP THE WORRIES OF THE RISING
COST OP LIVING, IS SUDDENLY OVERCOME BY THE SINGULAR,
INAPPROPBIATENESS OP THE NAME OP HIS HOUSE.
It all depends on what you
demand from an historical novel.
If you will have nothing but
heroes vaulting on chargers and
racing across country to foil
plots against the king, or if you
insist on plain John Blunts
following their dear lords to the
wars, you must go elsewhere for
your intellectual refresh, ment.
But if you can enjoy a leisurely
ARNOLD BENNETT-like chronicle
of a man's youth and develop-
ment, a novel of atmosphere
rather than action, you will like
Pretty Maids All In A ]loir,
which is the silly and quite
meaningless title of JUSTIN HUNTLY MCCARTHY'S latest
novel (HUHST AND BLACKETT). It is the story of the life
of FRANCOIS VILLON from early childhood to the moment
when he was compelled to fly from Paris after killing
PHILIPPE SERMOIS. Mr. MCCARTHY'S Villon is not the
Villon of A Lodging For The Night, but a chivalrous and
through a perplexed boyhood. And I liked the notion of blameless Villon, so much more sinned against than sinning
giving him an enormous hero-worship for the mysterious that one can hardly realise that this is supposed to be the
Davenport. Otherwise I have, as always, an idea that the j same person whom STEVENSON showed debating within
whole subject is a little too big for treatment in the guise of
fiction. Also, since it is abundantly clear from the begin-
ning that Harry and Davenport are the same person the
laborious collection of proof is in danger of becoming weari-
some. But when all is said Mr. MARRIOTT remains a
himself as to the advisability of knifing the good man who
had given him shelter. However, you pay your four-cut*
sixpence and you take your choice. For my own part, I
thoroughly disbelieved in this latest portrait, hut I enjoyed
Pri'lt// Mii/ds All In A Bow immensely. There is a pleasant
dignified and conscientious artist, and this in an age of j smoothness about everything that Mr. MCCARTHY wi
slipshod writing may well excuse a superfluous page. and he certainly has the gift of making the reader live in
the past. But the more historical novels I read, the better
Mr. Michael Sampson, the hero of Little Hearts, by I appreciate the merits of my own century. The only
MARJORIE L. C. PICKTHALL (METHUEN), had some points ! people who seem to have had even a passably good turn- in
in common with The Mttxiar of Hurrnxirotid: he was a very ! those days were the great nobles, and it would have been
indigent young gentleman who lived alone in a ruinous old just my luck to have been born a varlet or even a scurvy
house and was waited on by a devoted but cantankerous knave.
OCTOHKH l:t, r.'1-V]
PUNCH, Oil TIIK l.nMioN CIIAIMY AIM.
(who, it will i I, is
English I' .lent." i
. pion in o
Uueuvu .IVTOI, / ir> Biici.l. TIUIM! -.ol.elel li\ .1 l-lilni.
reference to the recent sng- noisy coruscating gas-bags def\ o-m- st,-p,. \ lift IIUK n.,u
adopt a now motto lor petition. * „, there, but Si;
CHARIVARIA.
WITH
gestion to adopt a new motto
London ill place of I lie time-lion
Domini' I'iniii' .Yn.s- Mr. Punch respect-
fully points out that it would b:> tin- is ^enenilly attributed to the mtli.' - iiii-an-,
wise to make any change whilst the of ni i i.-, Soi-iiii-:. With u slight silti-m- passengers w
Lighting Order is in force. (ion I'OKSON'S famous epigram seem-
to fit the situation : —
KING CONM -\VIIM. 's strain;,, attitu.l- will l>e retain, -d fo. • uiergaocy
attributed to the intluenc.- Th.s ipi-an-, «.• ^.r
I'll 1 1.* \\ 1 1 1 1 it uliiilit u 1 1 jirn . i in utiAnrt Am MM II Im n1<
A corres|ioiideiil was informed by the
milkman, who brings him his early
morning War news, that " Helgravia's
coming in;" and he is now kicking
himself because be did not reply, "Oh,
that's nothing; Suburbia 's been""
in all the time."
:|: *
Engine-driving is one of the
accomplishments of the Tsar of
BULOAHIA, who has promised to
lend his royal ni ilwa\ carriage to
Princess HOHKNI.OHI: on her way
from Turkey to Berlin; and it is
rumoured that as a further mark
of friendship he may take his place
on the foot-plate, and save the cost
of a return-ticket.
We learn that the King of BUL-
GARIA was annoyed with last
week's Charivaria : —
" Birds in bush ? Silly tosh !
I'm a fully-fledged Bosch ;
Y'ou should hear me hum STH.M ss's lust
ana."
* -.;:
The German Government spares
no pains in its endeavour to arouse
the enthusiasm of the younger
generation for the War. It has
now commandeered, ostensibly for
the sake of their copper, the baths
in the Berlin municipal schools.
* *
*
There is really nothing extra-
ordinary in the story that the Ger-
mans are sending deaf mutes to
the Front. The Austrians until
We aro all '
opt it
<lid it in de-ci ihme, tho TlllMUli
\pril 1 t<>
. ne Months' IU.-VI-I
The Germans in (ireek
Are sadly to seek ;
.i- m five-score
But ninety-five more ;
All save only her mail,
And — her man's a German. ,
An Americ in play, called /.'•
me, Xun!ij>i>f, ban been brought to
Europe and rechrit»tened \Vilhe
goet Wett. It is hoped that a pro-
minent actor on the Continental
stage will before long perform the
title-role. „ ,
*
A paragraph informs us that
at a mooting of the 1
Committee of the International
Women's Congress "there were
l.'ii i u.imin present and one
ni;in." More justice would have
Ik-en done to the intrepidity of
this hero if the statement had read.
150 women and ' some ' man."
Fourpence a pound was the
quotation for venison recently in
London. At that price we can no
longer call it — expensive. (This
joke needs thought.)
"YOU 'KB A BLOOMtH' KINB BOLDlBBl 'EBK'8 MB
TAUGHT YEB . KVEBYTHIKK I KNOW, AM1 YOU 8TASD
THERE AN1 DON'T KNOW NOTH1NK!"
v
* *
.
recently employed an ambassador who
was even DUMBA.
* *
In an account of the Imperial Press-
cutting Bureau at Berlin it is stated
that " upon the appearance of anything
very obnoxious to the 'All-Highest' the
fact is immediately communicated to
him by telegraph wherever he may
happen to he." Whatever other muni-
tions he may lack, the War Lord is
never likely to be short of barbed wires.
:;: *
The Xcuc I'fcii' Presse declares that
the Zeppelin raids have had such an
effect upon " intellectual London " that
one brilliant author has fled to America,
another's latest novel (written, by the
way, some time before the raids) is
"miserably poor," and even SHAW—
We regret to see The Pall Mall
Gazette lending its support to the
German belief in the sordidness of
British aspirations. In a recent issue
it mentioned that before going into
battle our soldiers sang " that old h y m n ,
1 O Gold, our Help in Ages past.' "
With some difficulty Lord BAOLAS,
Governor of the Isle of Man, induced
the Tynwald to agree to the imposition
of increased duties on various articles,
and then only on the understanding
that they would be levied for one year.
In the matter of taxation " Man wants
but little here bslow, nor wants that
little long."
It was a common practice, we read
to turn out drunken men at Wapping
A high police authority is quoted
by The Krrning Stantlnnl as hav-
ing said, " The work of the London
telephone system has been mag-
nificent during the War. It has
silently been of enormous assist-
ance to every department." The
giver of this remarkable testimo-
nial must have been an Irishman.
V
A donkey used at Hampstead to take
wounded soldiers for drives has been
given the name of " Kaiser." Where
isthe-R.S.P.C.A.?
* *
Rumours of a British landing in
Belgium evoked this remark from a
working man : — " My mother, Sir, who
lives with my brother who is at work
in 1'all Mall' tolls mo t)x>y *ve landtxl
100,000 at Southend, but she may
have muddled it somehow."
V
* *
The official report of the Bulgarian
Government on its negotiations with
the Entente Powers is to take the
appropriate form of a Green-l>ook.
* *
Distinguished Allies in our midst:
S I •.mi TREE.
VOL. CM. IX.
302
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAPJ.
[OCTOBER 13, 1915.
JANET.
The more this rose is examined do its
beauties reveal themselves, and they
HF.UI: is a description of "Janet," a j never, never fade. Hahits and manneis
ly rose newly arrived, extracted exemplary. Foliage long. Exceptionally
newly
quite literally from a catalogue of new
varieties just issued. We add one or
,wo as yet unpublished notices of
)lossoms known to us all : — •
JANKT (Hybrid Tea).— An ensnar-
o or seductive rose of greatest charm,
and an unquestioned acquisition. In
colour it is of great refinement, being in
;he young stage delicate egg-yolk silky
salmony flesh or golden ochre on very
delicate pearly champagne - biscuit
'awn. The thick shell-like petals tone
down to delicate but intense fawn with
_ intensified centre, almost chrome. A
greatly-to - be - desired - in - every-garden
rose. Its strong delicious perfume adds
much to its exquisite chasteness. The
more this rose is examined do its
beauties reveal themselves, and they
never pale. Exemplary habit, long
rigid flower - stalks on erect wood,
furnished with long oval leathery waxy
foliage. Exceptionally floriferous."
WILLIAM (Prusso-Austrian Briar). —
An ensnaring and seductive rose of
markedly acquisitive habits. In colour
it is of great refinement, being in the
fully - expanded stage delicate break-
fast-ultramarine, submarine, eggs-and-
bacon-pan-German-pots-dam-vulgarian
or golden bagdad lucre on very delicate
turkey-red beaten - black - and - blue - in-
oratorically floriferous. A never-to-be-
too-much-commended British rose.
champagne,
like rind of
The thick tortoise-shell-
self - complacency tones
down to delicate but intensely self-
centred one-sided self, with an inten-
sified glory of self in the centre. A
greatly - desiring - to-be - in - everybody -
else's-garden rose. Its strong delicious
personality adds much to its exquisitely
chaste self - righteousness. The more
this rose is exposed do its beauties
reveal themselves, and they never pall
or fade. Long rigid chaste waxy side-
shoots off the wood. An exceptionally
frea and continuous bloomer.
GEORGE (Welsh Bull-Dog Rose).— A
rose of the most beguiling and seduc-
unquestionable
In colour it is
tive charm and an
national acquisition.
of great refinement, being in the young
stage delicate leek-green your-life-or-
your- money sows-ear-silk-pursey or
golden ogre on veiy delicate early-in-
the- morning wines -and -spirits takes-
the-biscuit. In its later stages its
shells- and- shells- and - more - shells-like
blossoms, which are produced in ever-
increasing profusion, burst from shoots
of exceeding vigour in chaste spira
gradations. A greatly-to-be-desired-in-
some - people's - workshops rose. Its
strongly delicious rhetorical pungency
adds much to its exquisite chasteness
DOGS AT BAY.
CERTAIN protests against continuing
to keep pets in war time having been
made- in the papers and elsewhere—
and particularly mentioning dogs — a
meeting of protest has been held at
the Canine Street Hotel in order that
some line of action on the part of the
threatened animals might be decided
upon.
The Chair was taken by a well-known
bob-tailed sheep-dog. Letters of regret
from Mr. BABK, the Russian Finance
Minister, Mr. OTTO BEIT, and other in-
vited guests having been read, and a
:areful search made for any concealed
dachshunds, one of which disguised as
grey-hound being destroyed nem.
con., the meeting opened.
They were met, said the Chairman,
;o frame a resolution that should meet
and dispose of the criticism that they
were parasites and idlers in times of
stress and economy. But first they
had, of course, ,to satisfy themselves,
or rather each other (Hear, hear), that
their existence was justified. For his
own part he had nothing to say on
that subject, for it was only too evident
that without his services society would
suffer. But for him, and his friend the
collie, where would be England's mut-
ton ? Even more so, where would be
England's mutton-bones? (Sensation.'
After the expression of heart-felt emo-
tion which they had just witnessed, he
felt that lie need say no more as to the
value of his own services. But wha:
of the others present ? Perhaps tosti
mony would be offered, and with this
end in view he invited discussion
(Applause.)
A Great Dane expressed his willing
ness to do anything in the nature o
draught work, as his relatives did ir
France and Belgium ; but unhappilj
the laws of England did not permit o
this. He hoped that something woul
speedily be done to legalise dog-labour
(Cries of " Wow, Wow ! ")
A Newfoundland said that obviouslj
it was absurd to threaten the existence
of such as himself so long as there wa
water for people to fall into and be
rescued from. (Hear, hear.) He did
not consider himself touched by the
strictures against pets.
A St. Bernard agreed with the last
speaker. It would be madness, he said,
to dispense with his services, for in
a country with such a climate as
England's you never knew when a
snowstorm might come, in which trav-
ellers would he overwhelmed and need
issistance. (Loud applause.)
A turnspit said that nothing but the
.bolition of the spit made him idle.
ie longed for work. (Hear, hear, and
aughter.)
Several other speakers having ex-
pressed their willingness to help human
jeings in their own way — as guardians,
•at-killers, cat-hunters, and so forth —
, venerable Airedale rose and craved
he attention of the meeting for a
jractical suggestion.
Man, he said, was the friend of dogs,
and dogs must all be loyal to their
nasters. (Hear, bear.) He under-
stood that the present crisis had
wisen because many persons hold
,hat they were no longer justified in
ieeping and feeding useless animals.
Very well then, for his part he would
state that he intended never again to
a burden to his owner. (Cheers.)
In future be intended to find his own
meals for himself. (Great enthusiasm.)
Rather than permit his owner, for
whom he entertained the deepest de-
votion and respect, to go to the expense
of feeding him, he should obtain his
food from next door. (Sensation.) Look-
ing at the subject dispassionately he
was bound to say that he could see
no other -way out. (Loud cheers.)
Several other speakers having ex-
pressed their determination to follow
the excellent advice of the Airedale and
relieve their masters from the responsi-
bility of feeding them, a Pekinese
asked to be allowed to say a word or
two.
Speaking in Chinese through an
interpreter, she said she regretted
her inability to work, nor was she
permitted opportunities of foraging in
the basement next door; but she had
so often heard her owner say, in tones
of obvious sincerity, that life without
her, the speaker, would be unbearable,
that she considered it her duty to
continue in the house with an easy
conscience as a comfort and joy. (Loud
cheers.) And she believed* that there
was not a Peek in that wonderful
gathering who did not share this view.
(Intense enthusiasm.)
At tliis moni3nt a Zeppelin passing
over the Eastern Counties dropped a
lachrymatory Pom through the hotel
roof and the meeting dissolved into
tears.
A ftuiet Patient.
THE SCHOOLMASTER'S ILLNESS. — Mr.
who has undergone an operation in a London
hospital, is going on satisfactorily. The
hospital escaped damage."
Leightoii Buzzard Observer.
PUNCH, OB THE LONDON Gil AIM VMM o, ,„„„ 18. 1916(
ON THE KING'S HIGHWAY.
SPECIAL CONSTABLE. "WHO GOES THERE?"
MB. PUNCH. "A FRIEND OF ALL GOOD CITIZENS-AND VERY GRATEFUL TO YOU,
13, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR TIIK LOM.MN CHARIVARI
Milliter. "Now, BILLY, SAY GRACE AFTER YOUR BREAKFAST."
Mother. "OH, BILLY, THAT WASN'T MUCH OF A GRACE."
Billy. "FAXK8 FOB MY B'EKFAST."
Billy. "\VELL, IT WASN'T MUCH OF A B'EKFAM."
THE WOES OP A WOUNDED.
THE PARCEL.
HAPLY in some slow labouring hulk it rested,
That fairy freight of which my wife had writ,
Or sunken lay, by curious fish infested,
Where the sly submarine had done its bit,
Or some rude soldier by the busy shore
Forsaken found it, and disgraced his corps,
Knew not the kind of fellow it was for
But sipped its sweets, and intercepted it —
For it was late. And when I guessed its glories,
The billowing natal cake, by secret code
Fashioned and decked in Cook's laboratories,
With snowy shells and chocolate cannon strowed ;
And precious fruits and tawny cattle-tongue
(Alas, now mute) ; with smokes from Afric sprung
(And o'er them all the scent of home is hung,
The inimitable scent of Argyll Road),
Like some great General whose harassed forces
Are short of shells or bayonets or rum,
I mooned o'er maps and traced the deep-sea courses
And where torpedoes might be troublesome,
Or like some Tyrian trader paced the cliff
That seaward sought the merry Grecian skiff,
Knowing his business would be busted if
Shy traffickers, his clients, did not come.
In vain they sought to soften the position.
Insisting, " There is nothing for you, Sir,
Eut forty thousand rounds of ammunition
Have just come in ; " for me it made no stir :
To souls who sojourn in the SI/LTAX'S land
And know no sustenance that is not " canned,"
It 's good, of course, to see the maxims manned,
But one small parcel is much jollier.
And then it came. But, ere the sun was hidden,
A clever shot had laid me on the green,
And here in hospital, where food 's forbiddi-n
And only the wliite milk is sometimes seen,
In a fur camp beneath the Eastern stars
I seem to see my cates and my cigars
Consumed, alas, by Simpson ! and it jars.
I like to think how ill he must have been.
The Bulldog Breed.
" Shortly after Alderman Shorrock attempted to start the National
Anthem, but was told to sit down by the chairman. Me w»»«
seized bv the stowards and led {rom the room amid a great uproar.
• When the uproar had subsided, Alderman Shorrock attempted to
start the National Anthem, but was told to sit down by the chairman
He was afterwards seized by the stewards and led from the room
amid a great uproar."— Liverpool Datly 1'ost and Mercury.
The Alderman is evidently a believer in the good old
maxim, " Try, try again."
306
PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[OCTOBER 13, 1915.
THE MAP-MAKERS.
I HAD always thought that in order
to make a map one had to bo accom-
panied by a whole battery of theodolites,
sextants, artificial horizons, spirit-levels,
and logarithm tables. It was not until
Petherby told me that all one required
was a sheet of paper, a pencil and a
compass, that the subject in all its
nu'icet& began to appeal to mo.
Then one morning he came round to
my house and proposed that we should
spend the day in making a map of the
neighbourhood. I explained to him
that there already existed a highly in-
genious plan of the district on view
free at the railway station, which, be-
sides indicating the principal thorough-
fares and objects .of historical "
interest, showed how, by
changing trains only eleven
times, it was possible to travel
subterraneously from Bow
Road to Golder's Green via
Kennington Oval without ever
coming up to (as the Londoners
say) breave.
" We can do better than
that," said Petherby, and we
started.
We had some trouble at first
with Petherby's compass.
After spending the whole |
morning in making a map of
the wild solitudes of Tooting
Bee we discovered that the
needle didn't point North. In
fact, it had taken up a perma-
nent sou'-sou'-westerly aspect.
As a guide to the North Pole I
would just as soon have em-
ployed a hot cross bun, or
even Dr. COOK. I asked Peth- L^!
erhy if he thought that the magnetic
pole had through constant use lost
its efficacy. But Petherby said no;
it had not hitherto exhibited signs
of exhaustion. Then I suggested
to my friend that possibly lie had
omitted to wind the compass up over
night and that it had run down.
Petherby, on the other hand, suggested
some unwarranted aspersions on my
mental stability, and laid the blame
of the disaster upon a biscuit-crumb
which had worked its way in between
the glass and the dial. If ever Petherby
(usually the most orderly and punctili-
ous of Special Constables) gets court-
martialled and sentenced to be shot at
cock-crow, it will be entirely owing to
his deplorable habit of carrying his
compass in the same pocket with his
emergency rations.
The trouble being at length rectified
we got to work in earnest, and the
for the railway map was hopelessly out
of the market by War Office reckoning.
But then the poor fellow
Petherby's advantage of
never had
attending
lectures by an expert. He probably
never knew that in order to get the
correct relative positions of the Streat-
ham tram-depot and the Brixton Bon
Marclie, he ought to have lain down
in the puddle outside the former and
taken a fresh " North." I attribute
my subsequent attack of gastric catarrh
solely to my conscientious observance
of this very necessary detail. But I
bore my suffering bravely in the know-
ledge that the Bon Marche is really
people
discre-
pancies of a more or less serious nature,
347 paces easter than most
think. We discovered other
" How would it bo," I suggested,
"to give the compass a day off, and
bring your aneroid ? Then all we
shall have to do will be to climb to the
summit — somehow — and look at the
instrument, when it will at once tell
us how high wo are above sea-level."
How does it do
Petherby sarcastically.
that ? " asked
Does it chime
"OLD SIMON UP AT RED Cow WAS SAYIN' THAT 'E 'EABD
LUNNON FOLK WAS FAIR SPLITTIN' 'EMSELVES OVER THIS 'EttE
CHAKLIE ZEPPEMN 1 "
chief among which was the lamentable
omission in the station map of the
road in which the house was where
those two pseudo-refugee ladies were
found shaving one morning recently
and- — however, you know the story.
I only mentioned it because the affair
took place in the house of some friends
of some friends of Petherby's, and thus
I am in a measure personally con-
nected with the episode.
On our way home late that afternoon
Petherby drew my attention to a tall
chimney. It belonged to a tea com-
pany, though I can't think why a tea-
works should require a structure of such
altitude, unless for the making of high
tea.
We'll come here to-morrow after-
noon," said Petherby with enthusiasm,
"and work out the height of that
chimney. I 'm nob quite sure how to
set about it. It seems almost <oo The bull, we
the number of feet, or does a cuckoo
emerge from a door in the dial and
cuck it? "
" I don't know how it tells the
altitude," I said, " but it does. Aero-
nauts always use one to calculate
their height from the ground, and I
daresay that 's how those Zeppelin
chaps know when they 're low enough
down to stand a chance of bombing a
baby."
" I could have told them
they were low enough down to
do that without appealing to
an aneroid," said Petherby.
" Of course," I continued,
" the drawback is that if we
make our observation at low
tide we shall be much higher
up than if we took it at high
tide."
" I 've got to attend a lecture
to - morrow morning," said
Petherby, " and I '11 ask the
lecturer for a simple homely
recipe for calculating alti-
tudes. Ten to one he'll
know of some method which
will be as easy as pie."
My own experience of pie
is that it is almost invariably
hard. I told Petherby so.
And I said I could think of a
very simple way.
"Well," said he on a note
of irony, " if you can think of it be-
tween now and to-morrow afternoon
I shall he obliged if you will let me
know." I promised faithfully, and we
parted.
By the last post that night I sent
Petherby a brief note. " Never mind
about asking your lecturer," I wrote.
"The chimney's 78 feet high. After
we separated I thought of a very
simple way of making the calculation.
I walked back to the tea-works and
asked."
From the report of a dairymen's
conference : — •
" The Chairman said he would be sorry to
take drastic steps, but ho felt that they should
take the bull by the horns and say point blank
that there would be no milk delivered in the
metropolitan area at 2J
'
Adelaide Advertiser.
suppose, was to pass
final results we achieved showed un- ] severe a task for the capabilities of a ' on this vital information to his lady
deniably that whoever was responsible mere compass." friends.
OCTOHEU 13. 1915.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CII.MMVARI.
:; |
A PAIR OF BRACK. >.
SiiniTix<; in France is always a
pleasure. The shop people are so
parlous and appreciative of my lin-
guistic efforts. My friends say I
overrate my knowledge of 1'Yench, but
in flic main that is their jealousy. If
] have not the vocabulary 1 have a
wealth of gesture which I consider is
truly GalllO but my friends insist
is merely simian. Be that as it may,
when David asked ine to join him
and give him a hand in buying a pair
of braces in - - I at once agreed
without disclosing that the French for
was as little known to me as the
Sanskrit term for that necessary article.
(Tor those of you who don't know
Sanskrit I may explain that the San-
skrit ians didn't wear trousers.)
" Bon jour, Madame," I said, bowing
gracefully. (The best of writing a
thing about oneself is that full justice
can be done to one's personal graces
and accomplishments.)
" J3' jour, Monsieur," she said.
" S'il vous plait, Madame," I con-
tinued with my pleasant smile, " mon
ami desire des braces (day brass)."
S'ne looked blank, and her assistants
looked blanker but interested. I pon-
dered. " Des braces " obviously should
be the proper phrase, and the sooner
they learned it the better.
" Des braces, Madame, s'il vous
plait," I repeated firmly and in a louder
voice. I wanted to show her I was not
to lie trilled with.
"Mais il n'y a pas de tel mot,
Monsieur. Ne comprend pas."
" Mais oui, Madame," I insisted,
"iles braces." David here tried to
make a noise like a pair of braces but
was unsuccessful, and it was up to me
again. As I was wearing the kilt I
could not show her my own. Instead,
I op>ned my tunic and tapped my
breast on both sides.
" Ah oui, Monsieur," she cried,
delighted, as she produced the French
equivalent for Keating's Powder.
My position as an interpreter was
shaken to its very foundations, so 1
braced myself [Horrible. — ED.] to a
final effort.
" Madame, Monsieur mon ami desire
quelque chose vite pour defendre tomber
ses pantalons," I cried, waving my
hands after the manner of the country.
'• Mais oui, Monsieur," she gasped
between her shrieks of laughter, "des
hretelles, des bretelles ! "
Of course my friends say the correct
word was " empficher," but I maintain
there is an imperative note and a
demand for good quality in a request
for something which will actually
"forbid" one's trousers to come down.
KNITTING HAS AGAIN SET IN WITH ITS USUAL SEVKRITY.
THE KNEW IN OUR MIDST.
Trade Insult*.
"Wanted by Soap- making firm a Represen-
tative, on commission, for Sheffield district. —
Write, giving full particulars, with previous
soap experience, if any."— Sheffield Telegraph.
" A beautifully made unexploded bomb was
recently found in the British trenches, capable
of being thrown sixty yards, and its mechanism
so contrived that it was bound to explode
whichever way it fell."— Madras Times.
With great consideration this particu-
lar bomb appears to have remained
standing.
GENERAL.— Double -fronted »hop with
living rooms to Let; thickly populated ; rant
only lib. 6d. weekly im-lu-
Adrl. »» Daily Paper.
We certainly think that 12*. 6Vf. is very
reasonable witli the thick population
thrown in.
"The Nutiomd Register it to all oC ut at
this time like the victorious, immoral signal
with which Nelson inspired hi* »»>»ors-''
liangalort Dotty Pott.
amounts to sedition.
This
308
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAUIYAHI.
[OCTOBEU 13, 1915.
AT THE FRONT.
THESE be stirring times. I remem-
ber well how, in the summer of 1915,
we used to envy the company chosen
to occupy the lump of line we now
cherish so reluctantly. Under the
shadow of the poppy-strewn corn the
C.O. and an odd General or two would
drop in for a hit of lunch with the
Company Commander of Willow Walk;
and on its stately verandahs was en-
joyed many a feast of walnuts, wine,
strawberries, meat and vegetable
rations, and sunburnt mirth.
Time can never let a good thing
alone. When we came in five days ago
wedid not indeed expect sunburnt mirth.
Four days' consecutive rain militated
against mirth or sunburn. But we
had hopes of finding Willow Walk the
same haunt of ancient peice it had
been of yore.
It was not.
It appears that the morning before
we arrived the Willow Walk company
had, at the instigation of some heart-
less General, suddenly put on all the
appearance of a body of desperate men
on the point of an attack.' They fired
off their rifles regardless of the fact
that you cannot turn out small arm
ammunition under a penny a round.
They screamed defiance in expedition ary
French and forceful English ; and to
top up with they let off a lot of horrid
black smoke-bombs in the direction of
the German trenches.
These playful acts, coming as they
did from the cloistered avenues of
Willow Walk, completely unnerved the
Germans, who had been a good deal
attacked in other places the clay before.
We thus diverted a lot of valuable
artillery. The boly willows were
ripped, torn and blown up. By dint of
hitting nearly every inch of ground
within a five hundred yards square,
hostile artillery scored several direct
bulls on the trenches therein contained.
When I say several I mean some.
When I say some I mean you could
see it had been trenches once, even if
you hadn't known.
I arrived while the echo of the last
shell of the day was still resounding,
put my platoon down for a minute in
what looked like a bit of ploughed field
with some planks sticking out of it,
told them to make themselves nice and
comfortable for the night, and went
back to the mess dug-out to consider
our prospects. I liked the mess dug-
out. It was such a very cohesive
conglomerate of protective appurten-
ances, it looked as if it would hate to
break the set for anything under a
nine-inch shell. It made me feel
almost averagely brave.
I went back and reconsidered my |
trench. It didn't look so bad after all, j
once the sentries were posted and the
N.C.O.'s mess had made tea. Anyone
who really knows will tell you that tea
is the dominating factor in this war.
So 1 had tea, got the platoon plumbers
and decorators to supervise necessary
repairs, and turned as far in as circum-
stances allowed.
Next morning I awoke with a crash.
I was shocked without being surprised.
I dressed (i.e. put my cap on) hastily
and went to see what it was about. It
was, it seemed, only a trench mortar.
I flatter myself I can be as unconcerned
as anybody over a trench mortar I 'in
out of range of. I was just working
up my most unconcerned manner when
something came along very quickly
and threw a section of my parapet
over my parades. Similar incidents
marred a magnificent day up till lunch-
time. On the second day the Bosch
lost his appetite for parapet-pushing
by breakfast-time. Thereafter we had
long oases of peacefulness that almost
recalled the long dead days of summer.
The Bosch had at last assured himself
that we were not going to attack yet
for a day or two.
Our stay in Willow Walk will be
memorable, not so much for the fact
that it rained exactly from "stand
to " at night to " stand to " at dawn
as for the promotion of several promis-
ing young officers, who, including
myself, shall be nameless ; and more
especially for the inadvertence of a
certain promising young officer's ser-
vant who, being given two extra stars
to sew on to his master's jacket, so
disposed them that the said master,
on donning the jacket, was revealed
as a second lieutenant on his left
arm and a captain on his right. It is
to be regretted that not even the
additional offers of a field-marshal's
baton and a good conduct stripe would
persuade the officer to retain this
striking and original constellation.
VEG.
I NOTICED some time ago that some-
body expressed a wish, in the columns
of Punch, that he had a turnip of his
own.
Curiously enough, I lately conceived
a somewhat similar longing, namely,
to possess a vegetable marrow, body
and soul. And at last I have realised
my ambition. I am the somewhat
proud owner of a full-six.ed marrow.
Very little, so far as I can gather, is j
known about marrows, their nature !
and habits, outside of gardening and j
culinary circles. As household pets:
they are in small esteem, though they!
give little or no trouble until their
second childhood.
I saw no reference to them in the
paragraphs which have recently ap-
peared in The J)/ul:/ <'ln\niicl<- relating
to the collective names of and the
sounds omitted by certain creatures,
and 1 was therefore interested to learn
from another source that not only are
in:inows gregarious, hut that collec-
tively, when alive, they arc termed a
" bream," but when gathered and killed
for eating they immediately become a
" tod." Their note, heard only in the
Spring, and then but rarely, at any
rate in these Northern latitudes, is
spoken of as a " chirp."
I have had my marrow from soed-
hood. The seedsman from whom I
purchased him would not sell me just
one seed, as I wanted him to do ; he
insisted on my buying a packet.
I could not possibly do with several
bream of marrows, so I picked out
Eandolph, as I christened him there
and then, from the packet, and planted
him. I tried to give the rest of the
packet away, but no one seemed to
want it, so I eventually threw it in the
road.
I watered Eandolph, tended him care-
fully, and when he made his appearance
I watched him daily growing more and
more like a Zeppelin. At one time,
for a day or two, I thought he was
going to turn into a water melon, and
I encouraged him to soar. But, alas,
it was only a fit of youthful swank.
When he was about half grown,
Maria (accent on the first syllable,
please) suggested our eating him ; but
I did not like the idea at all. I ex-
plained that I was growing Randolph
for pleasure, not profit. Besides, I
urged, it would not in any case do
during war-time to eat a marrowlet,
or whatever the young of the marrow
is called. Eandolph, I told her, must
be allowed to mature. There would
be plenty'of time when he was grown
up to decide on his career.
"I know what we'll put him into,"
said Maria.
" What — trousers? " I asked eagerly,
having Randolph's interests at heart.
" A saucepan," said Maria.
I turned away in disgust.
And now that Eandolph is really
grown up we have not, so far, definitely
decided on his future. Maria is still all
for the saucepan ; I am all for keeping
him as an ornament. The delicate
yellow green which his complexion
has assumed pleases my artistic sense.
There may, I argued only yesterday
with Maria, be further developments
in his colour scheme. But meantime
where to place Eandolph lias been
a matter for somewhat acrimonious
OCTOHKU 13, 191").]
PUNCH.
discussion between us. He is too big
to hang on my watehehain, ami
M;iriM, has flatly refused t.o have him
on the drawing-room chtmneypuee,
even under a glass-case. I 'eixonally,
I think he would be quite as ornamental
as the pair of over-elaborate l>i
groups thai Aunt Sophia gave as.
Mafia's brother Bob, who is al Ma Mini,
l;;n:dolph's future is a |ii,
which nolr it tir iiiii/'iiliiiiilu, anil
thinking it over sinee breakfast, this
inorntDg 1 am of the opinion that he
may ho right,.
1 shall wait, another few day^, and if
my suspicions, only slight at present,
should be continued by another sense
than that of vision, Randolph will be
found in the casualty list among the
" Missing, believed thrown away."
THE COMPENSATION.
Ihu,,\:it the Harrow County
School, on Satauday, October 2nd, Mi- !
COBI i.i.i laiiieiiled the alisetico of 11 national
war poet. " \Ye a ppea I' I o haV9 >1O great poet,"
she declared, "fitted to immortalise the
miiKiiificcnt courage that day by day adds
to our lengthening roll of honour.
]'Yrl>le rliyinos now and then appear in the
1'ivss, but a living poem is not forthcoming.
If Byron were iilive, what a difference it would
make ! Had he been living now ho would have
Hi vi -ii us England's Iliad, as only Homer or
Shakespeare could. . . .
"Compared to Byron, Tennyson was but a
weak singer, Browning a clunking mill-wheel,
while Swinburne lost himself in redundancy
of rhyme and metaphor."]
TiioroH myriads of minstrels, environ
Our soldiers with lyric and lay,
The War hasn't thrown up a Bvitox
To answer the need of " The Day,"
As matchless as MACHIAVELLI
With passion and pathos in tons—-
But no matter ; we 've M - C --
To frighten the Huns.
If BYRON had only been living —
Though a hundred-and-thirty or so —
What beans he would daily be giving
To Britain's contemptible foe !
And yet, though no rending riveitti
The patriot's tympanum stuns,
No matter ; we 've M -- C -
To scatter the Huns.
We 've plenty of BRIDGES and BINYONS,
And bards of inferior sort,
Who, trusting to rickety pinions,
The fate of young Icarus court ;
But their voices are lost in the vi&Ue,
They stir not the souls of our sons ;
No matter ; we 've M -- C —
To flatten the Huns.
Poor SWINHUHNE was ruined by drown-
ing
His thought in a deluge of rhyme;
While the muse of the late BOHKHT
BROWNING
Was void of all musical chime ;
Sailor (who has flipped on a banana- ikin). " TORPEDOED, BY or M ! "
And TENNYSON'S verse was like jelly,
A diet for prudes or for nuns ;
But'no matter; we've M C
To shatter the Huns.
We haven't a modern Tyrtieus
Our shirkers and laggards to shame ;
Wo haven't a MILTON to free us
From fetters that hamper our aim ;
We haven't a latter-day SHELLEY
To sing of munitions and guns ;
But no matter ; we 've M — C
To hammer the Huns.
"Veal now practically disappears from the
category of butchers' meat. To-day there
comes into force Lord Selborne's Maintenance
of Live Stock Order, which prohibits the
slaughter of lambs under six months old."
Edinburgh Krtn'mg D\»patch.
Another trade secret revealed.
A Modest Ambition.
" A girl, fond of dogs, with slight kno»l<xlgn
of krmiol work, require.* situation in l..i-- ',
small kennel." — Morning Paper.
"Patients who are N.C.O.i . . . will wear
their chevrons if marked ' up.' und if iinifmi-d
to bed will be pinned to the wall of the mar-
quee above their beds."
That should keep them quiet.
" The Russians will defend Novogeorgi«wxrs
to the laat."
Toowoomba Chronicle (QutrttslantJ).
Even if it takes them right off the
alphabet. —
•• MUs Ealine Rownfehal. a 1'J-year-old-girl.
is the new champion of the Wettern Cold
Association."— J«iruA Daily Eagle (Montreal).
We don't doubt the statement for a
moment.
310
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[OCTOBER 13, 1015.
Landlady. " 'Ens 's THE ZEPPELINS, SIK ! "
Lodger. "KIGHT-O! PUT 'EM DOWX OUTSIDE.
KILLED IN ACTION.
RUPERT is dead, and RUPERT was my friend ;
" Only surviving son of " — so it ran —
" Beloved husband " and the rest of it.
But six months back I saw him full of life,
Ardent for fighting ; now he lies at ease
In some obscure but splendid field of Franco,
His strivings over and his conflicts done.
He was a fellow of most joyous moods
And quaint contrivings, ever on the point
Of shaking fame and fortune by the hand,
But always baulked of meeting them at last.
He could not brook — and always so declared — -
The weak pomposities of little men,
Scorned all the tin-gods of our'petty world,
And plunged headlong into imprudences,
And smashed conventions with a reckless zeal,
Holding his luck and not himself to blame
For aught that might betide when reckoning came.
But he was true as steel and staunch as oak,
And if he pledged his word he bore it out
Unswerving to the finish, and he gave
Whate'er he had of strength to help a friend.
When the great summons came he rushed to arms,
Counting no cost and all intent to serve
His country and to prove himself a man.
Yet he could laugh at all his ardour too
And find some fun in glory, as a child
Laughs at a bauble but will guard it well.
Now he is fall'n, and on his shining brow
Glory has set her everlasting seal.
I like to think how cheerily he talked
Amid the ceaseless tumult of the guns,
How, when the word was given, he stood erect,
Sprang from the trench and, shouting to his man,
Led them forthright to where the sullen foe
Waited their coming ; and his brain took fire,
And all was exultation and a high
Heroic ardour and a pulse of joy.
" Forward ! " his cry rang out, and all his men
Thundered behind him with their eyes ablaze,
" Forward for England ! Clear the beggars out !
Remember — " and death found him, and he fell
Fronting the Germans, and the rush swept on.
Thrice blessed fate ! We linger here and droop
Beneath the heavy burden of our years,
And may not, though we envy, give our lives
For England and for honour and for right ;
But still must wear our weary hours away,
While lie, that happy lighter, in one leap,
From imperfection to perfection borne,
Breaks through the bonds that bound him to the earth.
Now of his failures is a triumph made ;
His very faults are into virtues turned ;
And, reft for ever from the haunts of men,
He wears immortal honour and is joined
With those who fought for England and are dead.
R. C. L.
'BULGARIAN PEASANTS' FLIGHT
FEOM OUR OWN COHRESPONDKXT."
We don't wonder.
Daily 3Iail.
Extract from police-instructions to property owners : —
"Keep supplies of water raid sand available, especially in upper
storeys and rooms at the bottom of wells."
These last are understood to be an official periphrasis for
the offices of Truth.
OR TII1:
l:i. ;
THE HOHENZOLLERN HABIT.
KAISEB (to his brother-in-law the KINO OF GREECE). "YOU SEE, TINO, YOU'VE MARRIED INTO
THE FAMILY, AND YOU. OUGHT TO DO AS THE FAMILY DOES. WHEN WE ENCOUNT
A LITTLE THING LIKE THAT WE— TEAR IT UP."
OCTOBER 13, 1915.] PUNCH, OR THK LONDON CIIAIM Y.MM.
31. 'I
Orderly Sergeant (who after dark IMS mistaken a barn full of sheep far hit Company'* billet). "
)VINO ABOUT WHEN I'M READING BATTALION ORDERS."
• -
NOW DOS'! LK M* HAVE M MCCM
VIEGINIA, HANTS.
(Being a reply to " The Neiu Smoke.")
SIB POET who rhymed so adroitly
The praise of the Hampshire cigar,
The Planter's first daughter is out for
your slaughter,
Though quite unaware who you are.
You can't bo a native of Hampshire ;
You hail from some county afar —
Or surely you 'd know, Sir, the plant
that wo grow, Sir,
Could not make a Hampshire cigar.
The ignorance, Sir, of the puhlic
Is gross as concerning the weed ;
For they think you can get a Young
Turk cigarette
By planting Virginia seed.
Let me tell you the climate of England
Is just as adapted, indeed,
For growing Havanas as tropic
bananas —
We don't try what couldn't succeed.
We can grow a Virginia or Turkish
High-class cigarette or a fag,
Pipe tohacco for cluhmen or baccy for
puhiiien,
Light golden or darkest of shag;
And all of 'em like our tobacco,
Both wearers of petties and pants,
But my ear simply ramps when you
talk about " Hamps,"
And — we don't grow cigars, Sir, in
Hants.
MORE MASCOTS FOB OUR
HEROES.
TORTOISES FOB THE TRKXCHKS.
Tiii'.sr, delightful pets possess the
unique advantage of carrying their
own bomb-proof shelters always with
them. Regimental crests stamped on
their backs at a small extra charge.
Each tortoise provided by the firm is
supplied with a small pair of scissors
tied round its neck by a piece of ribbon.
Primarily intended for the trimming
of the pet's toe nails, these scissors
will be found most useful for other
purposes.
OUR SPECIAL LINE IN CHAMELEONS.
These fascinating little reptiles are
well known to possess the valuable
military attribute of assuming
little pet fail to keep pace with the
change of environment during an extra
rapid advance (or retirement).
OUR TAMKD HIITOI-OTAMI.
In wet weather these placid brutes
are well contented to recline for hours
in the tranche* with their backs show-
ing slightly above the water level.
Dry accommodation for a whole platoon
on the back of a single specimen.
WATCH CATS FOB THK WATCH Does
is THK NOKTII SKA.
These felines have been specially
trained to give immediate warning of
the presence of an enemy submarine
in the vicinity. Every cat is supplied
with eight spare lives, for which no
extra charge is made. Insiii
panics u-ually pay only on the ninth,
or last, life.
Babu Jogodish said that as the acctucd's
father died suddenly on Monday, they were
handicapped. The accused's mother was then
asked by the Magistrate as to who were to be
— behalf of her son. She
314
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
13, 1915.
TEEBOBS OF THE DAEK.
(Under the New Liyhtinfj llegulations).
A CORRESPONDENT of 'I provincial
paper, quoted by The I-', re nitty Standard.
having been knocked down in the dark
by a perambulator, suggests that these
vehicles should be compelled to boot.
If this complainant of somewhat
unstable equilibrium has his way, -,ve
may anticipate the contents of a charge-
sheet in the Cimmerian evenings that
are descending upon us : — •
Bartholomew Buster, aged eight, no
occupation — travelling on one roller-
skate between the hours of eight and
nine P.M. in Hammersmith Broadway,
without giving audible notice of his
approach by a bell or other apparatus,
and thereby endangering the safety of
foot-passengers.
Montagu Fitz - Mont-
morency, aged ten, stu-
dent at a Kindergarten
— furiously coasting on
a " scooter" down the in-
cline of the Broad Walk,
Kensington Gardens,
failing to use gong or
megaphone in the author-
ised manner, colliding
with an old lady at the
entrance of the Gardens,
and putting his finger to
his nose on being arrested
by the keeper.
Belinda (alias Popsy)
Bottlewell,aged one-and-
a-half, spinster, and Peter
(otherwise Baby) Bottle-
well, aged six months, un-
married— falling asleep
in their mailcart and causing an obstruc-
tion on the pavement outside HARHOD'S
Stores, while their nurse was inspect-
ing the Autumn sales and conversing
with a soldier.
William Pipsqueak, aged nine, paper-
boy— proceeding along the unlighted
portion of Auriol Eoad, W., beyond
the regulation pace, jostling a house-
holder on the point of leaving his front-
gate, failing to sound his hooter, and
using language calculated to cause a
breach of the peace.
Queenie Quennell, aged five, training
to be a Nurse at the Front — pushing
a toy go-cart containing a wounded
soldier doll after dark without looking
where she was going, impinging on a
gentleman's gouty toe, and endeavour-
ing to laugh it off. ZIG-ZAG.
CHANGES IN THE ARMY.
[New Regulations for officers' dress are
announced.]
From War Secretary to 2nd Lieutenant
S. 0. Young.
October Wth, 1915.
I beg to inform you that after the
1st day of November the wearing of
soft caps is prohibited.
For Secretary of State for War (or
for North and South Command),
(Signed) B. E. STRICT.
[Duly throw away soft cap.~\
From War Secretary (or from North and
South Command) to 2nd Lieutenant
S. 0. Young.
November 2nd, 1915.
It has been decided to restore the
use of soft caps. The wearing of stiff
" GUAN'PA, TELL ME — IS THAT THE SORT OF THING OLD TlRPITZ HAS
TO LIVE IN ON HIS CANAL?"
The Way of a Maid with a Man.
" Can any one, wishing to get rid of car,
supply young lady, who desires one to enable
her to drive the wounded? Can be
ecater. Box . . ." — The Times.
two-
caps therefore is now strictly forbid-
den and will be visited with severe
punishment.
\Throw away stiff cap, and find that,
owing to lack of demand for soft
caps, no more have been manufac-
tured. Am capless.]
Extract from same letter as above.
November 2nd.
I also beg to inform you that after
December 1st the wearing of any tunic
except those of regulation cord is strictly
forbidden. (Signed) B. E. STRICT.
[Give away my fine serge tunic to my
servant^
From War Office (or from North and
South Command) to 2nd Lieutenant
S. 0. Young.
December ~L4th.
I beg to state that it has been decided
that in future oilicers' tunics shall be
made of fine serge only. The use of
whipcord and all other varieties is
prohibited.
(Signed) B. E. STRICT.
[Throw away new tunic and then dis-
cover no more kliaki ser/je. manufac-
tured, (iii-ing to fact it is not loinjlit.
Find myself tunirlexx. O/iliijed to
we/ir British warm an /mradt. De-
mand fine serge tunic hack fruin my
servant. Find he has sold i't.]
From War Office (or from North and
South Command) to 2nd Lieutenant
S. 0. Young.
December 20th.
It is hereby notified for your inform-
ation that it is forbidden to wear either
black or brown Oxford shoes. Brown
boots only are permissible in the future,
and these must be of service pattern.
(Signed) B. E. STRICT.
[Thrtnr (iinii/ till shoes — Oxford, Ciiin-
bridgc, Sheffield I'ltirerxitij and nil
otlirrx, litiifffcr ed/ii'iited. Only
tiro pairs much- worn
brown boots remain.
Find, curing to de-
mand, further boots
n ni n't ic it ruble.']
From North and South
Command to 2nd Lieut-
enant S. O.Young.
December 2(Jth.
I beg to inform you
that it has been decided
that in future the wear-
ing of brown boots is
forbidden. You are there-
fore expected to appear
on parade in black boots
of service pattern only.
(Signed) B. E. STRICT.
[Instruct sen-ant to
put coat of black
enameline on all brown boots.)
From North and South Command to
2nd Lieutenant S. 0. Young.
December 30th.
It is hereby notified for your inform-
ation that in future no breeches, except
those made of the new regulation whip-
cord, shall be wornjby any officer. All
other varieties of material are strictly
forbidden. (Signed) B. E. STRICT.
[Enquire at all tailors in the town
regarding new regulation whipcord.
Find it is not known. Whipcord
of any kind unprocurable^]
Wire War Office.
Being unable to procure regulation
cap, tunic, boots or breeches, have re-
tired to bed. Please wire further in-
structions. S. O. YOUNG,
(2nd Lieutenant 9th Diddlesex).
"Man with wife and nine children in the
army." — Pembroke County Guardian.
A nice family party for the trenches,
OCTOBER 13. 1915.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON HIMMVARI.
Till! (HIT OF TONGCKS.
[l.ilii's I >y tbr Flaj; l.i'-iili'iiant. sunxrstcil lj\
tin1 <|iiamt Admiral tv custom of |i!v-<'ntin^ u
burn •! of tonjjiK'S to an admiral t.il.n
a nrw I'oinniaiid.
Ir \oiir Lordships feel like generous
il Is
There lire lols of things my Admiral
MCI '(Is
Tilings that his happiness might ensure,
(•'mm a wife to a real sciatica cure.
(live him a licet and let him slang it;
Qive him a gun and a cliance to bang it;
(live him some bright young brains to
stall' him ;
(live him a Hun and a chance to straff
him ;
Give him a cook who knows his inary;
(live him a tactful Secretary ;
Give him, oh, give him — I wish you
would —
A Flag- Lieutenant who's some d — d
good !
Shovel him this and ladle him that ;
See that his sea is always flat ;
But, if ever you 've heard him stretch
his lungs,
Don't i/o awl send him mil/ inure
TONdUEs!
DRAMATIC GOSSIP.
SIB ARTHUR PINEHO'S experiment
with Tin' I!/:/ Drum seems likely to be
leading to great changes in the drama
of the near future. We hear of more
than one theatre where, pending the
prod notion of an American "crook "play
or a now revue, dramas are to be put up
with a different ending for each night
in the week. Critics are to be asked
to attend each performance before
registering their deathless verdicts, and
the audience is to be provided with
voting papers to record their views as
to the most popular of the varied
(leiitiiii'Hients. These papers will not be
inserted in the programmes, but handed
to the audience as they enter, as it
is wished that everyone shall have
one. The most popular ending is not,
however, to be played regularly, but
merely more often than the others.
It is felt that dramatic art, the aim
of which is to give pleasure, will be
conspicuously fostered.
A play to be produced at the Satiety
next week, entitled By Your Leave, is
also to have a fluid conclusion, the
audience in this case being invited to
make suggestions as to how tilings
should he wound up. Prizes (to be paid
by the author) are to be offered by the
management to the devisers of the
three Ix'st ideas, and the play will
then have a second first night, with
THE DAWN OF THE NO-TREATING ERA.
First Reveller. " MY HEALTH I " Second Iteceller. " SAXE BULK I "
the best of these endings adopted
permanently — using that word in its
stage sense.
* *
It cannot be sufficiently emphasised
that no matter how young and gallant
and capable the gentlemen of the chorus,
and even some principals, in the theatres
and variety houses may appear when
on the stage, there is not one among
them who, outside, is not either very
old, very ill, or very short-sighted.
I
More revues are promised, each with
wittier title than the last. Among
the most brilliant are Higher u/> ! Who
said Hats .l Keep your Seats, Make the
Best of it and Who threw that Brick .'
* *
American " crook " plays still hold
the field, but what has been already
seen in London is nothing compared
with what that fortunate city has in
store for it Hitherto the crooks have
been chiefly burglars or gunmen. In
The Su)>er Crook, which is pn.
for the Depravity Theatre ami :
work of a Harvard student who hits
never missed a single lecture from the
Professor of Dramatic Success in thai
university, we are to see a fascinating
American figure of conspicuously taking
personality who during the
formunce comes down the run in the
centre of the stalls — sometimes called
a "joy plank" — and undertakes •
evening to purloin articles of value
from the ladies and gentlemen pi •
which will be returned— or not, accord-
ing to the popularity of the play —
on the fall of the curtain. New York
is said to have gone mad over this
engaging novelty.
Smith Minor'i Latest.
Est-il parti f — Tant micujr.
" Is there a party '.'—My aunt."
31G
PUNCH, OH THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[OCTOBER 13, 1915.
AT THE PLAY.
" ROMANCE."
OUR excellent American cousins have
provided us with yet another sound
loan — Miss DORIS KEANE, who presents
herself in Romance, by EDWARD SHEL-
DON, as a naughty wayward prima
donna, the Cavallini, known for short
as The Golden Nightingale. I liked
Miss KEANK and her two chief lieu-
tenants a good deal better than the
play, which began as a promising
enough thing of its nice naive kind, and
finally blew up in a racket of senti-
ment, with a lack of reticence which
affected my spine uncomfortably. Are
there not things appropriately said at
the revival meeting or in the ccnfes-
sional or the cabinet particulier which
that infuriate the Rector to the point of
a most unsacerdotal violence. It is fair
to say that this theme of the young
padre's self-deception, his misreading a
very primitive jealousy as zeal for souls,
is a theme of promise. But, as I say,
our author treats it with H.E. and
reduces it to smoking ruins. The
Rector, a little off his game it must bo
urged in extenuation by walking for
hours in the snow in a thin overc-ont,
coming to save, remains to hurt, but is
brought to his senses by the singer,
who has learnt from him and Van Tuyl
what real goodness is. The end is un-
exceptionable— the way a little devious
and not a little questionable in parts.
It is a problem that may be com-
mended to the curious as to how far
the "movies" have influenced modern
I think it wise of Miss KEANE to have
admitted such a dispirited or dyspeptic
monkey into her cast. Adelina indeed
needs a course at Sir HERBERT'S School
in the art of appropriate facial expression
when being introduced to a gentleman
friend. . . . And who is the superseeds-
man who produced those prodigious
white violets of the second Act? T.
are not quite suited to the stage ?
Or is that only my confounded
English stodginess ?
Well, Miss DOKIS KEANE has
what (if only our pretty young
actresses and their admirers knew
it !) is the heart of the matter —
personality; with plenty of pleas-
ant detail in the unfolding of it
• — fire, and a pretty vivacity, a
charming variety of moods, from
gaiety to passion, while she uses
gesture with a fair semblance of
Latin fervour and precision.
As to the play, a prologue shows
us a dear old bishop (none other
than our Mr. NAHES, the dominant
stage beau and hero of our day)
giving advice to his grandson,
who proposes the unheard of un-
wisdom of marrying an actress.
He sets out to tell the love-lorn
youth the story of his own early
broken romance. So from this
prologue we step back into three Acts American dramatic technique.
WOMEN TO MEN.
GOD bless you, lads !
All women of the race,
As forth you go,
Wish you with steadfast face
The best they know.
God cheer you, lads !
Out in the bitter nights,
Down the drear days.
Through the red reeking fights
And wasted ways.
God bring you, lads,
Back to the motherland,
True laurels gained,
Glory in either hand,
Honour unstained.
Women of Britain's race,
As forth you go,
Wish you with proud glad face
The best they know :
God bless you, lads !
A PASTORAL VISIT.
Mr. OWEN NARES as the Hev. Tliomas Armstrong.
Miss DOKIS KEANE as the Prima Donna Marglierita
Cavallini.
A Bare Living.
"Yesterday it became known that a
curious hitch had occurred in connection
with the filling of the Vicar of Ren wick.
The living has been twice refused."
Edinburgh Evening liiyxilcli.
No wonder if it could not even
provide sustenance for the in-
cumbent.
set jn the New York of the sixties,
when the bishop is the young, hand-
some, and, if anything, over-zealous
Sector of St. Giles.
Comes the Cavallini to the house
of a rich debonnair banker, Van Tuyl
(Mr. A. E. ANSON, a fine figure in re-
splendent clothes, the authenticity of
which for the place and period 1 am
inclined to doubt). The singer has
been Van Tuyl's mistress ; but the
affair has ended, leaving only a very
charming friendship in its wake (I think
that 's the idea), and certainly Van
Tuyl is a good sportsman. The young
Rector, struck all of a heap by the
Nightingale, pursues her in a way calcu-
lated to cause considerable comment in
a quiet parish. The Cavallini, who has
always been good as gold at heart, sees
true love beckoning. But of course she
must renounce — or, at least, confess.
So she confesses all but Van Tuyl, and
it is just the rumours about Van Tuyl
That
old convention of looking backwards
has come to its own again under the
new inspiration. An enormous rest-
lessness and a passion for interesting
but entirely irrelevant incident are
signs of it. But the convenient cine-
matographic method of switching off
the players and switching on a
short bald explanation of what has
happened in the interval is denied to
the dramatist, who must bridge his
incidents by a longer (and in this
instance, more tedious) method.
Miss Douis KEANE, Mr. OWEN NARES,
both as old bishop and young rector,
Mr. ANSON as the repentant banker,
and Miss GILDA VABESI in a clever
sketch of the ('urtillini's duenna, put
in some exceedingly good work. I
should go and see this for myself if I
were you.
I don't think love and life are the
least like that, though Romance inspired
One of Our Masters.
"LABOunER. — T. Hansford, Park Cottage,
Beaulieu, THANKS 47 GENTLEMEN and begs to
say he is SUITED." — 'Western Gazelle.
An Accommodating Animal.
Notice in a tea-shop : — '
"Milk and soda-water fresh from the cow.
d. per glass."
" In Champagne a German exploded to the
north-west of Perthes without doing any im-
portant damage." — Provincial Pajn-r.
Perhaps ho was not fully loaded.
by the cinema may very well be. Nor do 1 printer.
From a catalogue of second-hand
books : — •
" On the Conversation of Energy, bv Balfour
Stewart, M.A., LL.D., F.K.S., with 14 illus-
trations, 1874."
Considering the scope of the subject
fourteen illustrations are a scanty allow-
ance. But we dare say the bookseller
added another when he talked to his
THE TOP HAT: WHAT WILL IT BECOME!
[It is thought that after the War the Top Hat will finally di-pp^ from tb. b-d of nuo.)
WILL THEY BE BURNT WITH THE LEAVES OP AUTUMN? WlLL SOME
ENTERPBUIXO PUBLIC AMUIEMKXT CATEBCK BCY Till M
OR WILL THE PATRIOTIC OWNERS PLACE THKM AT THE SERVICE OF SOME OP TIIK HllME DfcFKXCF. VOLCXRCM TO BE CtEB
TARGETS? THEIR RESEMBLANCE TO THE PERISCOPE OF A SUBMARINE WOULD MAKE THIS ESDIXO A BCITABLE cm*.
SOME ClTY MEN WILL NOT UE ABLE TO PABT
COMPLETELY FROM SUCH AN OLD F1U!:NI>.
SOUK SO DOUBT WILL BE CBEBISBCD ASD
THE MfSEl'M OF IBB FAMILY.
318
PUNCH, OR TIIK LONDON CIIARIVAKI.
[OCTOBER 13, 1915.
THINGS HE MIGHT DO.
MR. WINSTON CHURCHILL'S astonish-
ing rise to fame within the short space
of three months is the cause of quite
a social sensation.
It seems that one summer day,
Mr. CHURCHILL, having nothing par-
ticular to do, was strolling among the
shops, when in the window of one of
them a lot of little tubes and brushes
and things caught his eye. " What
are those things for?" he asked the
shopman. " For painting pictures
with," was the reply. "Then I will
take them," said Mr. CHURCHILL, decid-
ing there and then that he would be
a painter of pictures.
In three months, so the papers tell
us, he has become an accomplished
artist, and he is likely to be an ex-
hibitor at the Autumn exhibition at
one of the galleries.
The only regret we have in connec-
tion with this new activity on the part
of our great statesman is that he may
find it necessary to enlarge that hat for
which he is so famous, and to adopt
a change in the shape of collar he
wears.
But what is to be done with the rest
of Mr. CHURCHILL'S time ? He has
become an artist in three months.
What is he to do during the next three
months ?
May we suggest the flute? It is
quite a nice instrument, and not too
difficult. One can get twelve lessons
for two guineas ; and when time is an
object the twelve lessons can be had
on the same day, leaving a good period
for practice. If Mr. CHURCHILL would
only adopt this suggestion, we might
have the pleasure of listening to him
play the old year out and the new year
in at one of our fashionable restaurants
at the end of 1915.
Three months, however, is but a
small part of a man's life, and having
conquered the flute, Mr. CHURCHILL
will be at a loose end once more
next New Year's Day. For January,
February and March we suggest either
conjuring or poetry. We do not pre-
tend to any knowledge as to which
Mr. CHURCHILL would most like to be,
a conjurer or a poet. As the father of
a young family, it may be that to pro-
duce a couple of rabbits from a bottle
of ink would appear to be a more desir-
able feat than finding new rhymes to
old words. We must leave the choice
to Mr. CIICRCHILL, but, 'whichever he
prefers to take up first, we hope he will
not reject the other.
Thus we come to the end of June,
1916. There would remain to the
CHANCELLOR OP THE DUCHY OF LAN-
CASTER a variety of accomplishments
to be achieved, if he felt in the mood.
Singing, weight-lifting and balancing,
fretwork, preaching, surgery, short-
hand and typewriting — yes, there are
plenty of things he could take up to
provide him with that useful occupa-
tion which is so desirable for everyone
of us. And who knows that in one of
these activities Mr. CHURCHILL will
not find his true life-work ?
A DAUGHTER OF FRANCE.
" HULLO, Arkwright, what is it?"
The Captain spoke rather querulously
to the Subaltern who had awakened
him.
"Two bomb-dropping Tauhes have
been over, Sir, flying pretty low. The
Archie — I mean Auti-airerafts — failed
to drive them off, and I rather think
they have spotted us."
The Captain swung his .legs from
the couch and sat up. " D n ! "
he ejaculated wearily. " What infernal
luck!"
Twice within the week enemy aero-
planes had got over his position, and
twice had the heavy howitzers to he
moved elsewhere.
" Eight-O ! " He shook the sleep
out of himself. " I '11 be out in a jiffy.
If they have spotted us they '11 send a
battery aeroplane over first thing to-
morrow, and that will fly about 10,000,
and just mark off the range of the
orchard. Go and telephone the observ-
ing officer that we're clearing out again.
I 'm not going to risk anything."
The Subaltern disappeared and the
Captain reached for his boots. The rocm
in which he had been resting was at
the back of a farmhouse, and looked
out into a small orchard where the two
"Mothers" were well screened under
the apple-trees. They had arrived
thirty-six hours previously in the dark
of night, and the following day had
been spent busily in getting them
registered on a target by means of
abstruse calculation and an aeroplane.
A good observation post had been
found (not an easy matter) and five
miles of telephone wire laid. As the
Major, who was with the rest of the
battery, had appropriated all the new-
wire, the latter joh was no sinecure
and bred a good deal of blasphemy.
Also arrangements for billeting with
Madame Bontout had been gone into
thoroughly — no light matter either, and
now it was all rendered useless. The
Captain swore a few private and intelli-
gent oaths as he hauled on his boots.
From the hack door to the ever-
present midden was but a step. The
Captain, thinking of other matters,
took it anklu deep with both feet.
Round the corner a Sergeant appeared,
and the monologue became a duologue
as the Captain proceeded to issue his
instructions. . . .
"Jack," said Gunner Slade to Gunner
McCarthy after the Sergeant had passed
on the orders of the day, " we ain't bin
trained properly, wo ain't. Wo ort
ter 'ave bin hrort up in a furnicher-
removin' busniss, we ort." . . .
In the twilight the two howitzers,
attended by their caterpillars, removed
themselves to other quartt rs.
"An rci'oir et bon voyage, intni /.nuv:
Capitaine," Madame Bontout smiled
and nodded. "Nous noun rcrerrons,
Il'('xt-Ct' lid* '.' "
" Oui,oni," replied the brave Captain,
wrestling with a Woolwich accent,
" f ('$]>('>•(' . . . noun ullonx UH -/ICK iiis-
ttincc. A H- rcntir." And, having done
his utmost, he lied.
Next morning, when the night mist
had thinned away, Lieutenant Ark-
wright, R.G.A., was made aware that
the Huns W7ere getting in a hit of hate
about half-a-mile distant on his left
flank. He picked up his glasses to
locate their target, but could not make
sure of it. " I do believe," he muttered
to himself, " that the blighters are
crumping that last position of ours."
He confided his views to the Captain,
who, later in day, when the Bosches
had settled down for a quiet afternoon,
walked over to see what had happened.
When he arrived there was nothing
to see : that is, nothing in the nature of
a farmhouse.
The farm, the house and the orchard
had vanished. There were half-buried
blocks of masonry and trees sticking
ridiculously root upwards from shell
craters ; there were pieces of furniture
lying about, mixed up with bricks,
apples, broken timber and the mangled
remains of animals. That was all.
That and a woman who sat upon the
remnant of a shattered wall. She did
not seem to see or hear the Captain
until he touched her lightly on the
shoulder. Then she turned, and he
saw that she had suddenly become
very old.
" Madame Bontout," he said quietly,
and then, not knowing what else to
say, he was silent.
But she understood.
"Yes," she whispered slowly, " the
good God has so willed it, but " — and
into her voice crept the unconquerable
spirit of her race — " they did not got
the guns — tlifi/ did not get the (/mix."
Masters of Modern Prose.
"According to Dr. (ieorgc Kvans thai \v.i^
the name of the fair-haired man whom 'I had
seen suying how easy it was t-i use a snake as
an instrument of murder while crossing on
the boat from Hyde to I'nrtsmouth."
The Utt.rii-Tellcr.
OCTOBER 13. 1915.]
PUNCII> QR
I.»NUON CHMMVAIM.
Bored Sentry. " COME ALONG! 'UaBT up AND TAKE A TUUX AT WATCHM' TOM BLOOMIS' TCEKIP."
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE
,-,, T.T n 7. c., a- t T
(By Mr. ranch s Sta/ of Learned Clerks.)
THERE 's something all but heroic in the way H.G. WELLS
returns to his fine preoccupation with the theme of the
confounded muddle and waste of our good round world in
its bad square hole. Here in The Research Magnificent
(MACMILLAN) you have Benham, a young nobody in par-
ticular, but wealthy and reflective, obsessed with the great
idea that it must be someone's high job to put the whole
mournful business right. He envisages a loose committee
of aristoi (the samurai of his Modern Utopia in a new guise),
dedicate, trained and courageous, of which he shall he the
first. So he sets out upon his quest magnificent to study and
observe. Passion and romance lasso him by the way,
and he fights clear only at the cost of much suffering to
others. One may reasonably distrust heroics of the
far horizon which ignore plain duties of the foreground.
And yet Benham, driven, at the last a blundering megalo-
maniac, from continent to continent in search of "data," is
no contemptible if a pathetically futile figure. And then
there's Prothe.ro, the candid fleshly don, and Bcnhum'x
brilliant fluttering mother. . . . And Amanda, a queer
cross between Diana and her quarry. . . . Mr. WELLS'S
own grand tour has no doubt given precision and
conviction to his vivid descriptions of places and the spirit
of places. I suppose him never actually to have met a
tiger in the Indian jungle by night; yet, when you read of
Benham, unarmed and fearful but controlled, putting to
flight that sinister striped brute in the haunted dark, and
all the convincing detail that precedes it, you feel that only
a man who had actually done these things could tell them
BO. I can't recall a better piece of work of its kind in two
decades of English fiction. . . . Let no one who likes his
recreative reading laced with thought and fringed with
imagination miss this book.
Miss Lamboiirne was an heiress who
Disdained a wealthy suitor,
One Wavtrton, whose blood was blue,
(I couldn't stand him. Nor will you).
And wed the hitter's tutor,
An odd young man named Hurry fioyce :
The county marvelled at her choice.
At first their happiness was great,
And life proceeded gaily ;
But in a year, I grieve to state,
Her sneers had turned his love to hate.
(These chapters H. C. HAII.I.V
Has written with a forceful pen ;
The publisher is METHTES).
The scenes are laid in days gone by,
The days of the PiiK.rr.xi'Kii,
When MARLBOROUQH'S power still was high,
And good QUEEN ANNK had yet to die;
The plot is rather slender.
But Mr. BAILEY has no peer
(Or few) in handling atmosphere.
He has the knack of saying " I.ud !"
And " La I " " Egad f" and •• Hum it 1 "
The Iliyhicayman 's a j>orfect flood
Of " Stap me's." Faith, it stir* the blood !
Where did the fellow learn it ?
Myself (odds fish 1) I 'd rather swing
Than have to write that sort of thing.
320
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[OCTOBER 13, 1915.
Well, in the end it all comes right,
For Mrs. Boycc repented
When down Long Acre way one night
Hurry was wounded in a fight ;
And now they 're both contented,
Meaning to hear with no more strife
The give and take of married life.
If it can he reckoned my duty to create an atmosphere
suggestive of the hook I am to talk about and the period
with which it is concerned, the author — he signs himself
ASHTON HILLIKKS — has kindly supplied me with a recipe
in which he places infinite reliance. It all lies in the
little word "ye." Nothing else is required to convert the
language of the modern daily Press into that of the black-
guards, and of course the gentlemen, of the PHINCK EKGKNT'S
Court. Suppose ye try how ye like it.
something to approve in the book
itself is assured because, ranging
as it does from such favourite old
topics of the author's as the Society
of Friends and forgiveness of one's
enemies to despatch riding for
WELLINGTON and comic opera at
the Horse Guards, Derm-Royal
(METHUEN) includes variety to suit
all tastes. Not indeed that the
writer is always equally at home.
He would, I imagine, be the first
to admit that in the detailing of
lively adventure he does not easily
catch that gallantry of movement
and conviction that must come
easily to come at all ; if pressed
harder than I, his sincere admirer,
could wish, he might even confess
to having condescended to make a
convenience of those supposed gaps
in his hero's manuscript which
now and then do most certainly
seem to omit what should have
been a thrill, rather than to bridge
a threatened dulness ; but in the
long run, and particularly in those
later chapters where Georgia com-
pletes her transformation from a
lumpish German boy to a glorious
That ye will find
is a third refugee of a different stamp, Vivianne, whom
David at very short notice falls in love with and marries.
After, the ceremony however he is going to understand that
she is his wife " in name alone." Much have I travelled in
the realms of fiction, yet saw I never a matrimonial difficulty
of this kind that did not collapse in the last chapter. So
that, even when a former lover turned up to claim her, I
was never seriously anxious about the ultimate destination
of Vivianne (indeed for that matter, if the authors wanted
to withhold information about their climax, they should
certainly have censored the picture on the cover). So it
remains just a pretty story, with some pleasant wit and a
deal of sentiment : a very restful mixture.
The infinite variety of Mr. W. E. Nonius remains a thing
to wonder at.
against him.
PEOPLE WE NEVER MEET.
THE YOUNG MAN WHO SAYS HE HAS NOT JOINED
THE ARMY BECAUSE HE LACKS PLUCK.
Age and custom seem to have no chance
I notice that on the title-page of his latest
novel, Troubled Tranton (CON-
STABLE), he is described as author
of three others, after which the
publishers fall back upon the refuse
of " etc., etc." Perhaps if they
printed the names of all Mr.
NOUBIS'S former stories there would
l.-c: no room for the present one;
which I should have regretted, for
'I'ronblcd Tranton is an admirable
enterta:nment in its quiet way.
Tranton was a house, and its
troubles rose from the fact that
the late owner, in defiance of
justice and expectation, had left it,
not to his own nephew and heir-
presumptive, but to bis niece-in-
law, one Mrs. Li/ii'lrii, a charming
widow, who didn't want it. So
Nicholas Alder, who should have
had the house, refused all the
usurper's offers of friendship and
even restitution. Moreover, poor
inoffensive Mrs. Li/nden began to
be agitated by the arrival of
abusive and anonymous letters,
threatening her with all sorts of
penalties if she remained as mis-
tress of Tranioii. Naturally the
_ district, and all those nice neigh-
Princess of the Blood, he too comes to his own, which is
no mean thing. And so, notwithstanding his habit of
reproducing details, big and little, that he has given us
before, or his abominable misuse of comments in brackets,
I shall advise ye all to read him.
AGNES and EGEBTON CASTLE, forsaking the eighteenth
century, have now turned their attention to the infinitely
more thrilling twentieth. The Hope of the House (CASSKLL)
is a story of the modernest of modern times. A very pretty
story too — which you can take, according to your taste, as
a compliment or not. It really divides itself into two parts.
The first — and better, because the more moving and convinc-
ing— tells how David, the elder of the two Oicen brothers,
determines to endure a struggle witli poverty in order to
keep the old home and pass it on to young John. This
episode, the success of David's effort and its tragic frustra-
tion with the death of John in the early days of the War, is
sincere and strong. I liked less the subsequent develop-
ments, in spite of some pleasant comedy in the treatment
of Lady Celia's relations with the two placid and eminently
worldly guests whom she calls " my poor Belgians." There
hourly people who abound in Mr. NORRIS'S books, were
greatly concerned by this ; more especially when the un-
known enemy set lire to Mrs. Lyndon's summer-house, and
even kidnapped the daughter of a local magnate who had
been active in her defence. As to who the trembler really
was, that in common fairness I must leave for Mr. NOKKIS
to explain; possibly you will not have read very far before
penetrating the secret, which of course will only add to
your pleasure on finding in the last chapter that y mi-
sagacity was not at fault. One captious question. Even
in these unhampered days, would Sir . I n//nxtitx have allowed
his niece to journey unattended to London in order to
interview a wholly unknown man about the purchase of
a hunter? I can't help thinking that she went more to
help Mr. Noiuus with the plot than for reasons of proba-
bility.
War Prices.
"Special terms for Commercial Gentlemen only, Tea Bread iind
Breakfast, 5/6."— Hotel AdH.
Apparently the weary traveller is expected to sleep on the
sofa in the coffee-room.
OCTOBEB
i; mi-; LONDON < n.\i;i\ AIM.
\Ve are indebted to a iiuinlxT of
correspondents who liave sent
Tin: Germane are still faithful to paragraph from '/'/;.• liuli/ .'.
well
HAHIV/AmA. eoiTesiwmclent- who luit-» y«nt n« a tiling WI
their national poet, SHAKBPEABB. M\\ Mating that Mi--, KI.I.M
KKINHAUKT has jn-t piodneed Tin- •• i • iXKIfnr the U-nelii
Ti-iii/ii'xt on a monumental scale at the of our blind and <li- |>eople of Mm
'a Theatre, Berlin. A modern a million had- .-re dreadfully
touch was imparted to the play by the \Ye are informed that the CM \ D tlie la-' mail ai
actor who was cast for l-'i-nlni,nnl OK THI: I'.v m:orKit ha- a-ked for an and they learnt that wo were not Vet
being called upon at the last moment interview with the accomplished lady through the Ihinlanrll.
tind out how she proposes to do it. paper had in ' hem tha1
*...* Montenegrin army was OH tli.
The current complaint that the -kir ' iri, nnd that Scutari was
to appear as ( 'nli/mii.
In a recent
*
article
in 'l'h<- l>tiili/
Telegraph, Dr. K. -I. DII.I.ON wrote
that "King Ferdinand's hatred of transaction of i has not been
Cahinet is too large (or the efli.
•a town on •
ia is as strong as his contempt i entirely fruitless. Last week, one dis-
tor i ho Bulgarian politicians, whom ho tinguished Minister spent ,-ome h-
I backwards and forwards like in the smoking-room of the House of rohl>cd by ti as he lay
pawn, on tlie political chessboard." i Commons while his colleagues were wounded bet ween the oppoaii
This unorthodox treatment
of the pawns furnishes a
further proof that KINC;
J-'r.Ki>iNAM> does not play
me.
There are signs of a
chastened spirit in Ger-
many. The IMPERIAL
CH \M r.i.i.ou recently told
an American journalist
that " we cannot admit
that the English are on an
equality with us intellectu-
ally or morally"; and the
IJiniilnii'/iri' Nachrichten
Inn refused to accept as
authentic a telegram from
Washington, " although
it is disseminated by
WOLFF'S Bureau."
The London County
Council have set an exam-
ple of economy to other
public bodies by suspend-
In the account of an officer being
:at«lthat
a j • . 1 10 was the tallest man
Nursemaid. "I'M COIN' TO LEAVE THIS PLACK. MUM."
Mistress. "\Vnv? DON'T you LIKK. TUE CHILD?'
Kuriemaid. "0 YES, MUM. BUT 'E'B THAT AFKAID or A 8OU>n
I inli. m A
•he Germans had
been through his pockets
be was one of the shortest.
• *
The well-known artist
who advertised, the other
n- desire thu'
tie people having
children would allow him
to see them, as he wished
to paint u pretty child, is
in treaty for the Albert
Hall as a studio.
«
In conversation with a
Socmli-t Deputy of the
Reichstag the KM
said to hare remarked.
•• with tears in his eyes."
that lie was sincerely
i,,r France — France,
which was "the greatest
CAN'T GET 'IM NEAR ONE.
UUOUC DOUiea UV ousuoim- . ,.
mft all prizes for school-children until discussing important matters
the War is over. A saving of £10,000 I'UIMK MIMSTKH'S room ; and it is
a year will thus be effected, and there rumoured that Mr. Angi'mi wo
will be no need to curtail the salary of glad to see this example extensnel)
followed. * <:
disappointment of his
life." If the Walrus had been bittrii
hv one of the Oysters he would have
M.l'.s.
A Boer I'n'tlikdiit is rej
felt just like that.
•• Wli.-ii r^.lvinR U. A(]v.-rtu*menU, kindly
mention Hi.' Watr-rJ Ncw«(eiUJr.' "
ported in An officer at the Front writes :- » A It is the Censor's favo
' \ _i I.:,. I. L.i.l mSkVASI l-U*tllllM
lx>)iinil
d<- U m»nmtc
n
the South African papers as saying new battery which .had u „ t,u. tri.lu.hwi ^ ^
that -God trusted General Hertzog our trenches started rep g the
th« l-.rl- nut could not trust German trenches one afternoon. on ti
in he d<a"k and that was first shell however landecl on our own (They hav, been .nnovin, ^.
» __i ««_«,,0f „ i,,.r.. «. a«roeant and some ol
We tind the translation rather free and
prefer the closer rendering— Wj
al>out to p<.t her" (meaning, no doi
knocked in the parapet. The sergeant, a Black Maria).
nothing amazed, just walked up t collation «f Mr. Uuvd »•
;u,d said, • Please, Sir, would you mm. J^001 ^^^ Of cour«. the fwnou.
^i u *.« fiw. Kntt^rv and i u dirturbed the politic*
has not recent,
been in London.
The Dtii 1 1/ Mtiil asks, " Have we a
Forein Office?" We understand that a
WLtU na.1^4, - -' . speeCUVB . • • »»•»•
sVaVc'h^an > is going carefully through ^^^^±1^ j ^^ 3? «„, T*
Carmelite House.
... ...
' #
It cannot be true that Lord NORTH-
< i.in i. is a time-server. You can buy
his " 6.30 A'eics " at about 5 P.M.
asking e
the parapet ? ' '
•,H if violet."
tltmeKater Gutrdtan.
A person who ought to know better One of Mr. GKOBOE'S "purple paUAea.
suggests that pessimists, being, as is I in It
VOL. cxr.ix.
322
PUNCH, Oil THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[OCTOBER 20, 1915.
TO FERDINAND, ON HIS PROSPECTS.
BETWEEN the Turk, your country's ancient foe,
Whose butchers drank her Wood like steaming wassail,
And him of Potsdam, who, if matters go
Smoothly, will have you as his humble vassal,
You are the tertium quid, O FERDINAND, which
Conspires to make a most repulsive sandwich.
Here stands the Moslem with his brutal sword
Still red and reeking with Armenia's slaughter;
Here, fresh from Belgium's wastes, the Christian Lord,
His heart unsated by the wrongs he wrought her ;
And you between them, on your brother's track,
Sworn, for a bribe, to stick him in the back.
Yet, spite of such a fellowship, your fate
Won't be a steady round of beer and skittles ;
Old friends are best ; and love that turns to hate
Is certain to acidulate your victuals ;
For Eussia, whence your land her freedom drew,
Will show that she who made can break you too.
And not alone that bright blade, hung o'erhead, .
Shall dull your cheer and poison all you swallow ;
Uneasy sits the alien King who's wed
To schemes his patriot folk are loath to follow ;
So next your skin (for flannel won't avail)
You'd better wear a steel-proof shirt of mail. O. S.
DIVERSIONS OF THE CABINET.
WTE all know how Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL walked into
a colourman's shop, three months ago, and purchased a
manual upon Pictures and How to Paint them ; and bow-
already he has produced a number of "large and dignified
landscapes," and is at work upon a " stately portrait of
his wife." But it is not by any means so generally known
— it may have been withheld by the Press Bureau — that
this sort of thing is going on all over the Cabinet.
I had a talk yesterday, writes our representative, with
a stall-holder at a forthcoming bazaar who was most
enthusiastic about Mr. BONAH LAW'S poker-work. "The
work is so realistic that you can almost smell the singe,"
she said, " and there is an enormous quantity of it. His
industry is amazing. The unexpected adjournment of the
House for a week over the Finance Bill meant the addition
of three corner cupboards, a tea-tray and a small bedroom
bookcase to my supply. His work is always unsigned.
He picked it up, it seems, in a moment from an article on
Parlour Crafts in a magazine."
There is no busier man in the country at present than the
MINISTER OF MUNITIONS, and it will probably come as a
surprise to his many admirers to learn that he contrives
to find time to pursue his new hobby of Ecclesiastical
Architecture. Visitors to Criccietb in the near future would
do well to keep their eyes open for a rich example of Neo-
Methodist-Gothic opposite the railway station, which has
caused something of a flutter in the K.I.B.A. Mr. GEORGE
apparently picked up the guiding principles of the art in
conversation with an intelligent steel roller on the Clyde.
New distinctions would seem to be in store for Sir
F. E. SMITH. "I had a talk with his publisher," writes our
representative, " one day last week, and he told me much
that 1 feel bound to suppress in the public interest. But it
is an open secret that a gigantic Book of Sonnets is already
in the press which will give reviewers much food for thought.
The story that Sir FREDERICK had picked up a manual
entitled How to be a Poet is quite untrue. He was deep in
study of the map one day when he was struck by a very
singular coincidence. Fighting was going on in the neigh-
bourhood of Dwinsk, Pinsk and Minsk. Although he had
never before dreamt of writing verses the opportunity thus
presented seemed altogether too good to miss, and as soon
as he had made a beginning the rest was plain sailing.
The wonderful thing,' added his publisher, ' is that be
scans so well. One frequently comes upon several lines in
succession with hardly a foot out of place.' "
Mr. EUNCIMAN has just completed a set of 117 orchestral
variations on the Montenegrin National Anthem.
EVADING THE CENSOR.
" Dick has got bis marching orders at last — off on Satur-
day," said Eileen. " Now I want you to find some way for
him to let me know his whereabouts without being stopped
by that horrid Censor."
"This," I said, "is a matter for reflection. What you
want is some quaint and rare device which will not only
dupe the Censor but can be guaranteed to furnish no
information to the enemy. Imagine the excitement of the
Ober-Oflizier who intercepted a letter informing him that
Lieutenant Eichard Donkin was at - — . ' Here 's most
important news,' he would say. 'Hiinmel! Lieutenant
Donkin at ! Schncll ! order up three extra army corps
at once!' . . . No, Eileen, we must avoid that possibility
at all costs."
As it happened I lunched with a man the next day who
had encountered exactly the same problem. His son had
arranged a cryptogram, using the first letter of every fourth
word to spell out the name of his whereabouts.
" And does it answer ?" I said.
" Not very well. It was all right at first, when he was
at the base, but as soon as he moved on there came through
a string of highly improbable names which we couldn't
find in any map on the market. The last one was ' Yttgau,'
whieh suggests that he lost count, or else he 'd been un-
expectedly transferred to Eussia."
Anyway Dick wouldn't hear of the plan. He said it
would cramp his style. So I gave deep thought to the
matter and at last conceived the perfect plan.
" What you and Dick must do," I said, " is to have
duplicate maps. You must then agree upon two main
towns, say Paris and Brussels, as bases. When Dick has
finished his letter he places it over the map (letters from
the Front are always written on flimsy semi-transparent
paper), sticks a piri through Paris and Brussels, and a
third pin in his own locality. Then when the letter arrives
all you have to do is to pin the two fixed holes over Paris
and Brussels in your map, and the third hole gives you
Dick's whereabouts. It is also obvious that a mere letter
with a few pinholes in it tells the Bosches nothing."
Well, Dick agreed to this, and soon after he left we
received a letter with perforations indicating that he was
in , a well-known town in Northern France which is
familiar to all our readers. Then he moved en to -
and there he stuck for several weeks ; or at least, if Eileen's
pinpricks were to be trusted, he fluttered round - - in a
sort of jaunty spiral. And then at last there came a hint
that he was approaching the firing-line.
A few days afterwards I found Eileen inspecting a
letter with furrowed brows. Its appearance was most
singular — simply riddled with pin-holes ; rather like a target
on our miniature range when I 'm in my true form.
" Wait a minute," I said, " there 's something on the
other side."
There was a hastily pencilled line of unfamiliar hand-
writing. It ran as follows: " The Censor is not such a
fool as you seem to think !"
PUNCH, OH TI1K LONDON ( HAill .
REALIZATION.
f t! -re were to be any assassinati ..n« I would l» on the «d«
["When I went to Bulgaria I resolv*
of the assassins."— Statement /.// FssJOSAim.
Wife "GUAM, NEWS THIS MOBKMO. DEAB. WE'VE TAEE* BEVEBAI. THOO.AKD PBWOSHU »
Pessimist. "THEY'RE SURE TO ESCAPE."
MUNITIONS.
A CHANTEY.
IN days of o'.tl, so runs the tale,
Where Etna smoked on high
The god Hephaestus did prevail
To hammer the shield and the Grecian
mail
For the Trojan lance to try ;
So now sing we how arms are made
With hammer and flame and forge
By the folk who follow Hephaestus'
trade
To the glory of good KING GEORGE.
Kight wisdom old Hephaestus knew
In Sicily's golden land ;
He turned and said to his Cyclops crew,
" The front o' the fighting 's none for
you ;
Stick to the work in hand.
And a rattling work it is," cried he,
" \\ ith hammer and Hame and forge."
Hephaestus said it, and so say we
To the glory of good KING GEORGE.
Then cheer for Tyne and Thames and
Clyde
And the furnace blasts that roar
That our good ships may safely ride,
Our guns have plenty and more beside
As never they had before ;
For shell and bullet and hand-grenade.
For hammer and flame and forge.
And the folk who follow Hephaestus'
trade
To the glory of good KINO GEORGE.
TREASURE TROVE FROM
THE TIN.
ACCORDING to The Duili/ Chronicle
of the 14th inst., a Hull soldier, recently
returned wounded from the Dardanelles,
works of SHAKSPEARE, which he ha*
since presented to Sir SIDNEY LEE.
Hardly less remarkable was the ex-
perience of Mrs. Hardy I'hibsir
wife of the postmaster at Deochan
near Cromarty, who was helping her
family to some Californian peaches,
and to her profound amazement found
at the bottom of the tin a -
which at once began to
The matter it re-
of the local
-
and to his surprise found insie a
gentleman's silver watch in good con-
dition. He immediately wound it up, corresponent suggests th
and it started ticking merrily. Suburban Gentleman " whose
A correspondent suggests that the
woes
Had this been an isolated case, some W°re <lepicted in a recent iMUe 8noul<1
incredulity might have been pardoned.
But, as a correspondent has hastened
to assure us, other similar experiences
have occurred of late, showing the
remarkable generosity of tinned food
manufacturers and their genial desire
to promote the happiness of the
consumer.
Mr. Pulling - Legge, a well - known
bath-chair proprietor at Sidcup, had
recently occasion to open a tin of j cau»Tng the semaphore arm to droop."
sardines. His surprise may well be j Kerning Timt* (Gtoasow).
imagined when he- discovered inside , Somebody or something seems to have
the tin a rare quarto edition of the! had' a drop too much.
A Mixed latter.
" Mini-. Dumba. who accompanied the
Ambassador, boarded the liner carrying a
canary and a puppy born last night to her
Knglikh spaniel."— Olatgow HtralS.
•• Lieutenant-Colonel Druitt state* that the
cause of the imperfect signal being given
32(3
ITXCIF, OR THE LONDON CHAIM VARI.
[OCTOBER 20, 1915.
TO GET THE MEN.
'I'm: great conscriptionist controversy
is entering upon a new phase. The
burning question of the moment would
appear to be whether the necessary
men are to be compelled to volunteer
or persuaded to be compulsorily en-
rolled. Both points of view are ex-
plained by a couple of letters which
have just reached this office. We
suspect that they were really intended
for The Mt/nclu'sti'i- (ri«inli<in, but as
they have come into our bands we
hasten to give them publicity.
DEAR SIR, — Whatever Lord KITCH-
ENER may have said to the Labour
Leaders — that is perhaps a sore subject
and I don't propose to deal with it —
we are all agreed that our army must
be kept up to full strength
till the War is over. But
it is clearly ridiculous and
altogether inane to suppose
that the men cannot be got
in overwhelming numbers
by the Voluntary System
(to which I take off my hat).
It is by no means exhausted.
Indeed it has only begun
to work. We want no
pressed men. We want
nothing but men whose
heart is in the job and who
have freely and spontane-
ously come forward, clam-
ouring to offer themselves
a3 recruits. And they can
be got. Let there be no
taint of compulsion in our
methods, no encroachment
on individual liberty. All
that is necessary is to give
new opportunities of cnrol-
brfore a tribunal, presided over by the
local recruiting authority, to state their
ease. If they still persist in getting
(1) All trade unionists.
(2) The whole of Ireland.
(3) Parts of Wales, England and
out of it, other tactful methods of Scotland — to bo known as K.x plod
persuasion could very easily he devised.
The voluntary system would be by no
means exhausted even then. A re-
cruiting poster might be stuck on their
Areas.
(4) All those who can satisfy the
authorities that they have a strong and
genuine bias toward civilian life.
front-doors and garden gates. As a It is natural that we should prefer
furl her step the municipal water supply the voluntary system, but, as it is,
might be cut off from the bouse or even compulsion is our only hope,
from the whole street (which would
insure pressure being brought to bear).
Finally the obstinate should be dis-
franchised and confronted with an extra
shilling on the income-tax.
If wo are assured that conscription
1 am, Dear Hir,
Yours faithfully,
DRASTIC.
We have also received a pronounce-
ment from a well-known novelist :
DEAH SIR, — In one of those weekly-
is necessary we are ready to shoulder ; articles of mine which throw a white
the burden. But the possibilities of ! light on the situation I pointed out a
the Voluntary System must be first : month or two ago that conscription
could do little to help us,
for the simple reason that.
having already raised an
army ~ of some 4,000,000
men (by voluntary effort),
it would hardly be possible
for us to spare another
half-million. Again a week
or two ago, in one of my
many Last Words upon this
question, I made it quite
clear that conscription
we u'd be of no avail, for
the simple reason that,
having already raised an
army of some 2,300,000
men (by voluntaiy effort),
we could not with safety
enroll more than another
half-million. There may he
some little discrepancy . I nit
I am not always lucky
with figures — although I
thoroughly enjoy them.
HIGHLY COMMENDABLE EFFORT ON THE PART OP A NEW KECRUIT
.... - TO DEAL WITH A VERY DIFFICULT QUESTION OF MILITARY ETIQUETTE.
ment to our willing masses. _
Now that the National Register is com-
plete we have all the facts before us, and
the authorities can get to work along
rational lines. It is quite a mistake
to suppose that there are any shirkers
or slackers or shrinkers or skulkers
among us. Eligible men have only to
be firmly and tactfully approaahcd to
fall over each other in their eagerness
to come forward. The best method of
procedure would be the following : —
Let every eligible man receive a
brusque summons in the name of the
KING to present himself without delav.
If that doesn't work, a close house-to-
house canvass should follow, in which
every man of army age should be
narrowly cross-examined and badgered
and asked to give a full account of
himself. (A policeman should be kept
in thy background — perhaps waiting
in the street outside). If the results
are still disappointing, all those who
have n >j responded must be called
exhausted. It must be given a fair
chance. I am, Dear Sir,
Yours, faithfully,
ANTI-MILITARIST.
DEAR SIR, — We are all agreed that
the army must be kept at full strength
during the coming year. And it is now
perfectly clear to the most fatuous
observer that the so-called voluntary
system has broken down. Only by Con-
scription can we secure the necessary
men in regular diafts as they are wanted.
From the moment when the new system
is introduced the War will be as good
as won. Everything will change in a
twinkling ; Germany will crack up.
The British conscript will strike terror
wherever he goes. There need be no
apprehension as to difficulties at home.
iXTB. . 1 -1 ' -I • 1
__ . Anyhow it is the principle
that counts. Roughly speaking there
are HO more men that can be raised
by conscription. The same does not
of course apply to the voluntary
system.
Finally, if Mr. ASQDITH were to say
to-morrow that compulsion was abso-
lutely necessary to the safety of the
realm, I would acquiesce. I would
really. And that would ensure the
success of the new move. But Mr.
ASQUITH will never say that. I know
all about it.
Yours,
WAR
"Simla, 15th September.
'The Hon. Mr. \Y. M. Iljiilcy arrived at
Viceregal Lodge to-day as thu guest of His
Excellency the Viceroy.
Ihe term Conscription must not be; The Hon. Mr. W. M. Ha i ley arrived at
misunderstood. There will of course j Viceregal Lodge to-day us the guest of His
be exemptions. I should suggest, for j Excellency the Viceroy."— Z'IOHC.T.
the smooth working of the plan, that We were quite prepared to believe it
the following should be exempt :-
even the first time.
OCTOBER 20. 1915.] PUNCH. <>|; TIIK I.i.\|M.N CHARIVARI
.
FIRST Tine or TEL.UIMC
THlR-D T ifv\e
FOUR.TH
THE MAN WHO HAD SEEN A ZEPPELIN.
THE WOES OF A WOUNDED.
Is there a man can think that Europe's quarrels
Are barren bickerings and do no good ?
There may be such ; but let him see
The way in which Gallipoli
Affects young officers and moulds their morals,
And blow me if he could !
What kindness, what self-sacrifice was present
In that most painful of Peninsula,
If several of the eggs were tired,
Or some drab services required !
It was a joy to see how nice and pleasant
A Cambridge man could lie.
Wit h never a moan we munched the meanest ration,
Wo that of late were full of pelf and pride ;
Swore not at all when privates erred
(Though Simpson said one shocking word),
And no one published, in pre-bellum fashion,
The state of his inside.
Moreover, we were bent on being fully
The same sweet gentry, men of model mood,
\Vlu-ii parted from the scenes of strife
(If ever). We should laugh through life,
And never, by the bitterness of " bully,"
Complain about our food.
Hut it was vain ; the soul is bound to (tumble
When peace and plentoousness succeed the storm.
Each morning I IM-OOHH' li'-*1* kind;
To-day I had some fault t<> find
With Cook's fair fish-cakes, uiul they »ay I grumble
Quitt- in my ancient form.
Therefore with joy I hie me back to -HUM:
To Turks and centipedes and nil the p
I do not doiMii, as Mime have done,
That, on the whole, it '» " rather fun
Life will bo vile. But this shall ease my sorrow—
.ill he good again.
The Art of Expansion.
"The Itiiuki Inratut staU-s th»t t). t« of the
Baltic fleet are not in th.- <iul( of Riga, which i« deJeoded fcy
veueli and mine*."— Olago Daily Time*.
"General Riwaky. now an invalid. »UU» that the chief uniUol
the Russian B«U c fleet are not in the Ciulf of Ki«». which wddr"1
by lemer verneta and minen."— Itonedin Krrnmj Star.
We prefer The .Star* vorsion, with its personal touch.
In an appeal for workers to help in sorting out the
"pink forms," The Alrnlecn Kerning Erjirrs* -
.,- »i,rk U done in p»ir», it will be a ca» ol bring their •
1 But we hope the work is not quite so deadly as all that.
328
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[OCTOBER 20, 1915.
ON THE SPY TRAIL AGAIN.
You know Jimmy's blood-hound,
Faithful. Well, he has been right
off German spies; you couldn't have
tempted him with one not even if you
had dangled it in front of his nose.
Jimmy said it was the distemper, and
made up some medicine to get him
over it. After taking one dose Faithful
got over the distemper all right ; he
also got over a six-foot wall on the
other side of the road, through three
fields, across a churchyard, through
the church door and up to the top of
the tower. There 's more air on the
top of the tower, Jimmy says, that 's
why.
The church door was locked by the
time Jimmy arrived there. You have
to get the keys from a man who sits
in a cottage close by having rheuma-
tism. If you take him something for
his rheumatism he will always let you
have the keys this once.
Jimmy knows all about rheumatism,
and he makes up an ointment for it out
of the grease he gets out of the boxes
in the railway wagons. Jimmy says
the Indians always use it, and if you
gave some to an Esquimaux be would
eat it in his ignorance, and it 's because
of the temperature.
The last time Jimmy went up the
church tower he couldn't get any oint-
ment from the railway wagons, so be
had to make some up out of some
castor oil his mother had got for him
to go with a few crab apples he had
eaten. Jimmy says he likes putting
things into castor oil, because it serves
it right.
The way you do it is to get some
ingredients ; but he won't let you
see him putting them in, because it
wouldn't work properly if he did.
Jimmy says you have to be very care-
ful about the ingredients, because, if
you didn't put the right ones in, it
would cure something else that, per-
haps, you hadn't got, and you would
feel very puzzled about it. I saw
Jimmy put one thing in, though ; it
was some stuff for making sheep dip
that he found. Jimmy finds lots of
things like that, and he always puts
them carefully away in a box he has
got in the summer-house, and then
when he has any spare time he makes
up bottles of medicine and ointment and
different sizes of pills. Jimmy has got
one pill which he made over a year
ago ; it is a very good pill, much
stronger than the ordinary ones. There
are so many things in it that Jimmy
had to put some cobbler's wax in it to
hold them together. Even then it often
begins to rise up in parts, and you have
to press it back into shape.
Jimmy says it 's for a case of a
mergency or something like that. It 's
not so big as it was, because Jimmy
used some of it to take a wasp's nest.
It is a very useful pill, because Jimmy
showed me how you could mend broken
plates with it. Jimmy once cured a
lady's pug dog with a bit of it. The
pug dog used to come and lie down in
the middle of a bed of tulips which
Jimmy's mother had planted. It liked
tulips. It was a very fat pug dog, ami
had trouble with its breath ; Jimmy
said it was suffering from sleeping sick-
ness and gave it a piece of the pill in
some meat. Jimmy says the pug dog
was surprised at its own activity ; it
tried to get away from itself and ran
about very freely, Jimmy says. It
cured the sleeping sickness all right,
but it took all the curl out of the pug
dog's tail.
Jimmy can cure anything like that;
you 'd be surprised.
He cured a man of water on the knee
one day. The man came to the back
door and asked Jimmy if he would like
to buy some mohair laces or what not.
There was only Jimmy at home, and,
when the man knew that, he told Jimmy
not to be frightened. Jimmy wasn't
frightened. The man said he had water
on the knee and that beer was a good
thing for it, if Jimmy would fetch him
some. He showed Jimmy his knee.
Jimmy says it didn't look as if it had
had much water on it. He told the
man he had some medicine which would
cure it. The man said he would take
it if Jimmy would put it in some beer.
Jimmy got the medicine ; it was violet
coloured medicine and looked very
pretty. Jimmy always colours his
medicines ; he has a different colour
for each day of the week. Saturday
is violet, and he does it with some
copying ink.
Jimmy says it is a very good medi-
cine, because if you leave the cork in
it blows it out in two days, and if you
tie the cork down it bursts the bottle.
Jimmy says the Indians use it when
they are training to run races, and
besides curing water on the knee it will
kill weeds on the garden path.
The man drank the beer, but said he
would have to have some more to take
away the taste of the medicine. There
was no more real beer ; so Jimmy made
some of his own and put into a beer
bottle lie had found; it was the same
kind of beer that lie had once used for
staining a rabbit hutch.
Jimmy says, when Faithful saw the
man he began baying like anything,
until he happened to catch sight of the
empty medicine bottle, and then, after
wagging his tail, he went and sat down
where he could have a good view of
the six-foot wall on the opposite side
of the road. He locked very happy,
Jimmy says.
Jimmy asked the man if his knee felt
better, and told him he had some stuff
which would ease it at once if he painted
it on with a camel-hair brush. The
man looked surprised and laughed.
He said he had never heard that
before ; lie said be never knew that
camels used hair-brushes. Jimmy felt
very glad the man had had the beer as
well as the medicine, because he felt
certain he was a German, or he would
have known about a camel-hair brush.
Jimmy says very soon the man began
to have doubts, they kept flitting across
his face ; so Jimmy went quietly inside
the house and locked the door so that
lie could watch the water going out of
his knee without being in his way at
all. The man didn't seem to notice
Jimmy ; he seemed to be thinking ; he
looked as if he had a stomachache,
Jimmy says. Jimmy says he doesn't
know which reached the man's knee
first, the beer or the medicine, and he
thinks it must have been a near thing
by the way he ran out of the garden
and jumped over the gate. He forgot
all about the mohair laces.
Jimmy followed the man as well as he
could. He found him at the chemist's
shop quenching his thirst with mustard
and water. Jimmy says the chemist
had already sent for a policeman because
of the German which kept coming out
of the man.
Jimmy says the chemist had a happy
afternoon ; he took Jimmy into his
garden to show him the German, and
said he felt he could go on mixing
mustard and water for him all day.
Jimmy says the German looked very
tame; you could have led him about
witli a piece of cotton.
Jimmy never charges anything for
his medicines, he is only too pleased to
let people have them who seem to
want them.
Commercial Candour.
"FOR SALE, rag and metal store; no more
profitable business guaranteed."
Glasgmo Herald.
"WANTED by experienced Teacher, examiner
and performer, an appointment as visiting
PIANO MASTER in high-glass ladies' school."
Musical Neics.
What the man wants is a Conserva-
toire.
"It has been arranged to hold combined
drills of the Richmond, Putney, Kew, and
Barnes Companies of the Special Constabulary
on the second Sunday in each week."
Barnes and Mortlalce Herald.
Even the strictest Sabbatarian cannot
object to this.
OCTOUKU '20, 1 '.)!"'.
I'l N( II. OB Till-: LONDON ' ll\l;iv.\i;i.
•
OUR UNINTERNED.
Matter (discreetly). "My DEAR, Miss FISKELSTEIS HAS JCBT BEES TKLLISO ME THAT »HE'» CHAJIUISHI HEB SAMK."
Ingenuous Daughter. "On, I AH BO GLAD. AND WHO— WHO is THE HAPPY MAN?'
THE RECRUITINC OF POPPETT MINIMUS.
MOTHER told me she couldn't afford
a holiday this year, but that the doctor
said I had to go to the sea because I
was suffering from convalescence. Con-
valescence is a beastly thing to have ;
it's Latin really for feeling tired and
living off rice pudding. It 's not catch-
ing ; so Parsons, my greatest chum,
who's going in for the Church, was
allowed up to see me. The doctor con-
lided to my mother that I wanted rous-
ing, and Parsons says I might have
succumbed if it had not been for the
boy next door.
When I was a bit better and able to
look out of the window, the boy next
door, who is a Scout and has to do
one kind deed every day, called out,
"Slacker!" It isn't true, as I can't
join them l>;>fore next term, but I was
too convalescent to explain through a
pane of "lass. He is of a fiery nature
with red hair, and, being Scotch, he
can't understand people fooling about
and doing nothing. Parsons says that
Mac \Vhirter didn't know about my
convalescence, but I was so mad that
I came down next day. I wanted
really to send Mac \Vhirter a challenge,
but Parsons told me that forgiv.
was the highest of all virtues, and that
anyhow I was too weak to fight a cat. i
So I said I would forgive Mac \Yhirter
till next term.
Parsons, who is going in for the
Church, wouldn't hear of this, as he
says it isn't quite playing the game for
chaps at home to fight among them-
selves, and that I could easily wait till
after the War. At the same time he
reminded me how the doctor said I had
to 1)6 roused and that Mac\V), liter had
done it. He said it was really a merci-
ful dispensation and that I ought to be
grateful to MacWIiirter for saving my
life.
I hadn't looked at it in tins light.
Parsons knows already a lot of theology,
and wl»en he likes a thing he calls it a
merciful dispensation, and wlit
doesn't it's an unscrupulous decree.
\s he says, there's no good grousing
about either. In the lust Junior*'
cricket match I'm--* n- made fcir!
out in the lirst innings. \\>- watiii't a
bit coxy about it. but said it was a
merciful dispensation. In the s.-
innings ho was U.wled by I.
ball, and lie said it was an unscrupulous
decree and that I/>ftus out-lit to have
his head punched for Itouling no-balU.
Parsons has relatives Bt the M -.\
so hi* holiday only cost his peo|>.
train ticket. ' As wo are great claims
his relations asked me t<>«>. Parsons'
mother said he had a weak chest, but
us confided t<> me in the train
that he really hud clergyman's ton
throat. Tlmt''s all nonson-e. became
you can't get it till you are ordained.
Parsons got very aligry when I said
this, as he says it attacks t-haps who
are going in for the Church us \\ell.
The last thing our people told us w»«
to look after each other and do nothing
but recruit.
We did our best, but we optudn t get
one single recruit. Recruiting at the
seaside is a very tough job. Perhap*
330
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[OCTOBER 20, 1915.
Wife of Officer (just starting for tlie Dardanelles). "My HUSBAND'S GOT AN INFLATED WAISTCOAT."
Sympatlietic Old Lady. "DEAR, DEAR, DEAR! I DO HOPE IT WOS'T INVOLVE AN OPERATION.'.'
all the chaps we saw were convalescers.
We tracked a lot of likely cases, some
regular promenade nuts, but they were
always escorted by a convoy of girls,
who beat off our attack. I didn't care
for these fellows myself, but Parsons
says they may be suffering from con-
scientious anaemia or an indisposition
which keeps them from fighting. You
never can tell. One of our chaps in
the Upper Sixth, who was the first
to volunteer, was rejected for haricose
veins, and he was simply furious about
it and said there was no such disease.
I sent in a report to headquarters
signed by Parsons and myself. I got
a letter by return from the mater be-
ginning, " You silly little boys." I had
to show it to Parsons, and he was
naturally hurt about it at first. He
said it was just the same with his
mater. He couldn't get her out of the
habit of speaking as if he was one of
the Lower Form kids, though she knew
he was to be promoted next term. He
said that " recruit " in the sense she
used it in was slang really, and that
he didn't like ladies to use slang.
He thought the rest of the letter about
the silly girls with white feathers, and
how wrong it is to judge other people,
and how we ought to leave the Govern-
ment alone and give them a chance, was
quite good theology, and ought to be a
lesson to me in future. Very likely
those fellows I had seen on -the pro-
menade were really as brave as lions
but didn't read the newspapers.
I said they would know about the
War from their cinemas. I thought
I had Parsons there, but you never can
have him really, for he used to do Logic
once with his sisters' governess. He
retorted that if they had heard about
the War it would take a mighty lot
of pluck to play the giddy goat as they
do. He said it was really a case of
immoral courage.
When school began again, we made
up our minds, after the mater's letter,
to regard it as an unscrupulous decree
and not grouse this time. After all, as
Parsons says, some of the stuff they
teach you, like HOMEH, might be useful
any day in the Balkans. He says he
knows as a fact we are going to start
Surds next term because he heard one
of the masters say so. It sounds
interesting and is perhaps instead of
German for fellows that want to act
as interpreters. Parsons has been told
that Surds are the finest lighting men
the Turks have got and there are
millions of them in Asia Minor.
Parsons knows a lot ; he always
scores on the General Knowledge paper,
and if he wasn't going in for the Church
he says he wouldn't half mind being
an editor.
For the Bantams.
•"Officers' marquee, 25in. by 20in. used as
officers' mess, complete, with inside lining."
Excliange and Mart.
How to Please Everybody.
"The teams had met twice previously and
won each time, but on this occasion the result
was reversed." — II ford Recorder.
"The Germans declared that submarine
captains had been ordered not to sink pas-
senger vessels and undertook to adopt the
greatest precautions to have the lives of
passengers. ' '
'• Tlic Standard" (Buenos Ayres).
Truth will out, even in a misprint.
"Mr. Choate, who presided, declared that
ninety out of the 100,000,000 Americans were
in the fullest sympathy with the Allies. "
Liverpool Echo.
It is thought, however, that several of
the other 99,999,910 are not actively
opposed to us.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— OCTOBER 20, 1915.
BOYS OF THE DACHSHUND BREED.
WILHELM (to FSANZ JOSEF). " WELL, WE HAVEN'T SUCCEEDED IN CRUSHING FRANCE
OR RUSSIA OR ENGLAND OR ITALY; BUT NOW THAT WE'VE GOT FERDINAN
HELP US WE MIGHT MANAGE TO SCORE OFF SERBIA 1"
Oi ionr.it 20, 19 IS.]
rr.xrn. on TIIK LONDON CHAKIVAIII
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
KxTii\cTr.i> ruoM nn: I IIAUV i>r Tm-.y, M.I'.i
House of Commons, I'H,-M/,II/, <>,-tn/i,-r
\-2tli. I'KKMIKH not only habitually
the right thing but does it in tho
right way, a coi relation of circumstance
not too Ireqiient. On reassembling of
Iloii>e niter ten days' interval he
culled attention to fact that mean-
while, four Members have given
their lives for their country. He
made no set oration, brought with
him no script of prepared monody.
No notice of his intention was
published. Questions over, he rose
and, resting liis hands on the brass-
bound box, spoke a f.3W words of
simple earnest sorrow for the loss
of gallant comrades.
"The House," he said, "will, I
am sure, acknowledge with grati-
tude the splendid example they
have set."
When his purpose in rising be-
came apparent. Members with one
accord bared their heads in silent
sympathy.
A whispered message, conveyed
to Front Opposition Bench by
('IIIKK WHIP, brought to his feet
the right hon. gentleman who endows
with dignity the post of Leader of a
non-existent Opposition. In shortest
speech ever made since, nearly half-a-
century ago, a gay young buck with
all the world before him where to
choose, he came to Westminster to
represent the county in which his
ancestral home was set, HARRY CHAPLIN
supplemented the PREMIER'S tribute.
Heroes all. " Young men of high pro-
mise," as the PREMIER said. Because
I knew him best I most deeply mourn
the cutting off of AoAR-EoBAHTES. He
was in all respects highest type of
an Knglishman. Heir to a peerage,
endowed with many interests intellect-
ual and social, keenly but tranquilly
enjoying the pleasant pathway through
which Life led him, he at the trumpet
call gave up everything, and went forth
to take his turn in the trenches, his
share of hourly peril.
The battle in which he fell was not
his first. Courage of another kind was
displayed in his political and parlia-
mentary career. Returned unopposed
by a Liberal constituency, be held
views on Home Eule differing from
those officially adopted by his Party.
In such circumstances it is common
practice for the conscientious dis-
entient to look out a corner seat below
the Gangway, take every opportunity
of asserting his independence and of
denouncing mistaken views of his
leaders and the majority of their
following. That not AoAH-RoBARTEs'
of conscience by unobtrusively .
agai ust successive stages of Home Kule
liill.
In equally undemonstrative manner
gaged elsewhere on Imperial ha-
did not put in appearance at Qu.
hour. Thin the more regretted since
\iniii i: M \HKHAM bad placed (.1
he set out for the Front as if he were
going on a Continental holiday trip.
p;i|irr a Shinier (V. us went to
which the House «•.,. ;ted.
Opened with \ inquiry
as to payment of M.-mlH-r, ,;
ran of War mid tho colossal
•imturo then-hy j|,
oiuy the order of the day.
Generally felt that economy, hk.-
charity, should U^'in nl 'bom,..
In flush of prosperity that spread
roseate hue over prolonged
of peace. Members voted them-
selves salaries of 1: 100 a year, pay-
able out of National Exchequer.
Total draft amounts to a quarter
of a million per annum, a sum that
might, among other things, create
and maintain a u -of ul fleet of air-
ships. MAHKH AM wanted to know
whether the PHKMIKK will propose
that only Members who are able
to make declaration that their in-
come is inadequate to maintain
their position shall continue to
receive the salary.
Another point which he sub-
'mitted for kindly consideration of
Business done — The INFANT SAMVEL, PHKMIKH was tho stoppage of pensions
bringing in a Bill dealing with postal granted to certain ex-Ministers long
and telegraph rates originally forming retired from business. In one case an
part of Budget scheme, announced amid aggregate sum of £110,000 has besn
general cheering that abolition of the paid in the way of salary and pension
halfpenny postal rates will not be ; on account of Parliamentary sen
insisted upon. Also (this concession Beside this, Members' salary of £400
not eliciting equal enthusiasm) press a year is alluringly moderate,
telegraph rates will be modified. In absence of PHKMIKH, Que>;
American Loan Bill, on motion of postponed. MAKKHAM may bo depended
CHANCELLOR OF EXCHEQUER, carried upon to take earliest opportunity of
putting them.
By accidental,
NUHSE McKKSNA lets the INFANT SAMCEL
do his bit.
through all its stages at single sitting.
Wednesday. — PRIME MINISTER, en-
THE ACCUSING FINGER.
MB. HOOQE.
not less striking,
coincidence, MONTAGU later in sitting
mode casual statement that luridly
illuminates financial position. He
reckoned that next year, if pn s >nt
rate of War expend 'tuie l>e maintained,
there will, in spite of heavily increased
taxation levied by two last Budgets,
be a deficit of 1.43H million sterling.
" Every citizen," lie added, " should
be prepared to put at least one-half of
his income at the disposal of the -
whether in the form of tax or loan."
7fH.WMr.ts done. — Budget Bill read a
second time.
Thursday. — FOREIGN SECRETAHY
made promised statement in respect of
invasion of Serbia and the intention of
Allied Powers in matter of helping the
gallant little nation. It suffered in point
of interest owing to misunderstanding
whereby it had been forestalled by one
delivered by French PREMIER two days
earlier.
EDWARD GREY further embarrassed
by consciousness that as he spoke he
334
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[OCTOBER 20, 1915.
was closely and suspiciously watched pair of radium dumbbells. Anyway, come with you to take care of you and
by little group In-low Gangway to Ids it accompanies this letter and is the see that you changed your wet things,
light. Temporarily overcoming" natural best kind of periscope 1 -ould find at but of course that is not to be thought
modesty, these statesmen have con- the Stores: and wo all wish you the of. I should have knitted you sonie-
vinced 'each other that if conduct of • best of luck and a big hag, and wish t hing warm, only for the rheumatics in
foreign affaire were committed to their we had your luck in getting out. How- my hands, and so 1 am sending you
care, in supersession of the Cabinet, it ever, a time will come! So soon,
would lie better for the Empire and the
welfare of the world. For the moment
Yours, HKXKY M. SEVILLE.
P.S. — It has just occurred to me that
instead something which my nephew,
who is home wounded, says that every
soldier ought to have and which 1 got
when he went
have concentrated attention upon ! h'. ' it ;sn-t le gal to tmd anothel- the Vicar to get for me
Dardanelles. Placed on Order-book feilow to a periscope ! toLondon. I am too old to understand
!__ _ *_.. _.:_i 4. „( such things, but they say you can see
Sir I let-tor through this over the top of a trench
without being seen yourself. Dear
Resolution calling for appointment of
Select Committee to inquire into Front It is Uncle, Lieut. -
initiation, conduct and actual position
of campaign in that quarter. Mean to
insist upon Government setting aside
all other business and allotting day for
discussion. Movement under
joint direction of the PRAGMATI-
CAL PRIXGLE and a lineal de-
scendant of tiie late OG, King of
BASHAX.
Business done.- — FOREIGN SEC-
RETARY makes important state-
ment on position in Balkans.
liicardo.
DEAR REGINALD, — I have instructed Master Reginald, I shall pray for you
Messrs. Boothroyd of Bond Street to
despatch to you by passenger train,
A SINGLE THOUGHT.
THE following letters (with
accompanying gift) were sent
to 2nd Lieut. Reginald Kelcy
on the eve of his departure for
the Front :-—
From his Sister Beatrice.
DARLING REG, — I do so wish
you hadn't got to go, and yet
of course, if you hadn't, I should
go about saying it was a horrid
shame. I can't write a long
letter because it is all so serious,
but I am sending you a peri-
scope to use in the trenches and
those salient and sector places
that seem to be so dangerous ;
and I do hope you will always
use it and not pop your head
up. I wish I was not so far
. , 1 j_ T 'J 1 IVlAltlA, IT IjUU
away just now, but I can t leave
Munition Worker (examining tmexploded anti-aircraft shell
which has damaged his garden). " THE WORST OF IT is,
MAMA, IT LOOKS BEASTLY I.IKK OXE I MADE MYSELF."
my patients even to see you off.
back safe and sound to
Your loving
Come carriage paid, the latest and best type
: of periscope for use in the trenches,
B. because I am convinced that in the
present kind of warfare, very-different
From Henry M. Saville, writing on ; from that wilich i was accustomed to,
behalf of several friends to their old llo officer should be without one. If by
schoolfellou'.
any chance you get it broken or it is
DEAR OLD SPORT, — We had a little mislaid, at once let me know, and I will
dinner last night to drink your health i replace it. If you are hit, hand it to
in — in barley water, I don't think, j one of youy companions.
Your sincere Friend,
HECTOR RICARDO.
P.S. — When footsore it is a good
Jack was there and the Goat and old
Hoskins and Jerry and me ; and we
thought we should like to give you
some old thing to remind you of us pian to change socks. Whiskey poured
and be a bit of use m helping you both in the boots is aiso a llelp
to save your own life and remove that
of as many Bosches as Heaven may From his old Nurse.
send your way. Not that we are all DEAR MASTER REGINALD, — I can't
so jolly flush — don't think that, I pray bear to think of you going off to the
you. But you can tell that from the Front at this time of year, and you such
article itselif, which is not precisely a ' a one too to catcli cold. I wish I could
every day : and don't forget to take
plenty of camphor pillules with you
for when you are chilled.
Yours respectfully,
ANN LIVF.SAV.
From kin Cousin, Miss Consttaicc
Sabin.
y\\ DEAREST REG., — I am so
proud to think you are an
officer, with men all of your
own, and I shall never ci
regret being so far away that 1
can't walk along the street with
you and see you receiving
salutes— at any rate not till you
come back, which of course you
are going to do. I have a feel-
ing that you will, and 1 am very
rarely wrong. And not wounded
either, or only the teeniest.
Do take care of yourself and
keep your head down, and do
always use the periscope
sending you. I shall think of
you so much over there.
Your cousin, CON.
P.S. — I am sure you will get
either the D.S.O. or'V.C.
From liis Grand in -Hit r.
MY DEAR REGINALD, — I am
greatly disappointed not to have
visit from you, but I suppose
had
you have had no time. I should have
come to your camp, but felt that old
women probably were not wanted
there. Having asked several persons
what is the best present for a young
officer at the Front and getting the
same reply from all, I am sending yon
a periscope; and I hope you will make
a point of always shooting through it.
I also enclose a small cheque for any-
thing else you may he wanting. God
bless you, my dear boy.
Your affectionate GRANNIE.
The Veteran Errand-boy.
"Ol.I)-A(;i: ri.NsioxKK YVuiiU'il. active, to
run errands, do.light work."
/Ira/ifortl Diti/i/ Ti'le<jni[>h,
This is what is meant, we suppose, by
" mobilising the nation."
OCTOIIEK 20,
1'1'NCII, OK Till- LONDON « II.MMV.MM.
^ .
/
Sergeant. "Now, THEN, MY LAD, YOU'RE ASKING FOB IT. WHY DON'T YOU USK YOUR PERISCOPE?"
Tommy. "I WAS USING IT, AND TWICE I NEARLY GOT A BULLET THROUGH IT."
THE CROAKEE.
AiiorT a year or more ago, when leading Unionists
Abjured all party rancour and left the party lists,
•• Iliivc NYC got an Opposition?" The Daily Wail inquired,
And bluntly recommended that its leader should be " tired."
Then came the Coalition, and The Wail awhile was dumb,
But very soon with fresh complaints began to make tilings
hum ;
And, concentrating upon shells, took once again the floor
With the question, " Have or have we not a Minister of
War?"
And so from month to month at each successive crucial
stage
We 've seen this plague of questions fast and furiously rage,
Till noNV the Eternal Querist of The Wail desires to know,
" Have we got a Foreign OHice?" and implies that GREY
must go.
Now the questions that insistently suggest themselves to
DM
And I 'm sure that with my attitude most honest folk
agree —
Do not concern the competence of KITCHENER or GREY,
Or whether Mr. A. or B. or C. should go or stay.
In various forms my simple mind they harass and assail
With the ultimate resultant, "Must we have a ]><t/li/
\\'<nl .'"
And I 'in moved to moot the question with a most emphatic
No!
For the reasons which I HONV propose to tabulate below.
We don't object to candour when it's tempered
goodwill ;
We would not ban the critic with no venom in his quill ;
But the candour that is prompted by a feverish desire
To provide a daily scapegoat moves our keen and righteous
ire.
For the fretful Daily Waller in his daily scapegoat hunt
Is forced to make kaleidoscopic changes of his front,
And the statesman who is praised to-day as good and wi-c
and great
In a month or two is branded as a peril to the State.
If he only showed consistency in urging his complaint*,
If the Sinners ho denounces hadn't lately been his Saint*.
We might tolerate the Wailer for the progress of the Win-
As a negligible nuisance or an acrimonious bore.
But the everlasting grouser who invariably claims
All the credit of the actions of the men that he clefan
Who blows his own tin trumpet high above the roar of guns,
Is a danger to his country and a helper of the Huns.
The Home of the Millennium.
"One of the windows in the. City TYmpIo was unveiled June 30.
1892, in commemoration of the fact th»t the thousandth anniversary
of the Thursday morning's service was celebrated that d»y."
Arc-inn;/ Paper.
" Home (comfortable, refined) for one or two gentlemen ; both clone
tram."- -/'irinintjham Daily Mail.
It wouldn't really save much time, you know. Why not
have it on the tram ?
33G
' PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[OCTOBER 20, 1915.
NO TREATING.
"Two Brighton biscuits, please, Miss,
on two plates," said the fat red-nosed
man. Then, turning to his comrade,
lie asked, " What are you having with
it?"
" Scotch," replied the other.
" No treating," murmured the bar-
maid automatically.
" This isn't treating ; it 's a meal."
"Go on with you," replied the liar-
maid.
" It is, "protested the fat man. " What
with income tax and super - tax, and
war-profits tax and tobacco tax and . . ."
"Tea tax," suggested his companion.
" And tea tax," said the fat man,
casting a grateful glance upon bis friend,
" I can't afford more 'n a biscuit for
lunch. Nor can 'Erb, and I owe him
a lunch."
" Lunch at a quarter past three ! Not
much ! " exclaimed the barmaid.
" Couldn't get away before," replied
the fat man, adjusting his tie with
scrupulous care. " Too busy in the
office."
The barmaid was persistent. " A
Brighton biscuit isn't a meal," she
declared.
" It 's all the meal I 'm having," said
the thin man. " Come to that, what is
a meal ? "
" Here you are, then — two Scotches
and two biscuits." The girl gave the
fat man his change and the two men
sat down at a table, leisurely swallowed
their drinks and made a pretence of
eating their biscuits. When their
glasses were empty they put the re-
mains of the meal in their pockets and
the thin man advanced to the counter.
" Two Brighton biscuits, please,
Miss," be said, " on two plates, and
two whiskies."
The girl laughed. " You can't have
t'.vo meals running," she said.
" This is tea now," argued the thin
man.
" No good," declared the barmaid
briskly.
" Well then, give me a double
whiskey and an empty glass."
" What do you want the empty glass
for ? "
" Never you mind," said the thin
man sternly.
The girl's anger rose. " If you pour
any of the whiskey into it 1 '11 have
you run in."
" Give me one whiskey, then," bs
commanded, and beckoned to his friend.
"Bill," he said, "I bet you a tanner
you 've forgot 'Arry Wilkins's address."
" I '11 take you on," replied the other.
" 'Arry lives at 29, Goswell Street."
" Bight," said 'Erb sadly, pushing a
sixpence to his friend.
" A whiskey, please, Miss," said the
fat man, diverting the sixpence across
the counter.
The barmaid glared but held her
peace.
The talk of the two men turned to
horses. They discussed current form
with considerable interest and not a
little heat.
" Ah," said Bill at length, as he
drained his glass, " I rather fancy
Ginger Girl for the two-thirty to-
morrow, but my booky disappeared
last week, after the Newmarket meet-
ing, and I dpn't know of another one.
Can you back it for me with yours, do
you think? "
"Of course I can," was the answer.
" How much ?"
" Only a tanner," replied the fat
man, producing the coin and handing
it to his friend as he spoke. Then,
noticing the girl's eye fixed upon him,
he added, " I can't afford more. What
with the income tax and the super-tax,
and the tea tax and . . ." The bar-
maid turned her back upon him and
stared haughtily at the bottles on the
shelf.
"One whiskey, please, Miss," cried
the two men simultaneously.
For the third time they were served,
and they drank, talking of many things
the while.
"By the way, Bill," said 'Erb, diving
his hand into his pocket, " I forgot to
pay you back that sixpence you lent me
to put in the plate on Sunday. '
" Why, so you did," answered Bill in
a tone of great surprise. " Thanks."
Again came the cry from each throat,
" One whiskey, please."
The girl's face was crimson as she
served them. They gazed innocently
at her helpless rage.
" Fine sermon, wasn't it, Bill? "
" Very fine, 'Erb, very fine . . . About
these Russians, now ..."
They launched into a long War
argument.
The barmaid watched them as a
fascinated rabbit watches a snake, and
involuntarily half rose from her chair
as they set their empty glasses on the
counter.
" Well, 'Erb," said the fat man, tak-
ing his comrade affectionately by the
arm and leading him towards the door,
" if it weren't for these new regulations
I 'd stand you a drink, old man. Good
day, Miss."
" BROWN EYKS. — I think the best plan is to
rub them with lemon-juice and to put them in
the sun. I will not guarantee that this will
whiten them, but it is the best thing I know
of." — Our Home.
It sounds horribly painful, however.
Did our friend CHIHGWIN go through all
this to become white-eyed ?
THE SOCIAL SITUATION.
DAILY ANALYSIS AND FORECAST UY OUK
SOCIETY EXPERT.
(\\'liat we miii/ e.rpcct if a present journ-
alistic fashion persists in peace-time.}
MONDAY. — Among the most interest-
ing events of the forthcoming week will
certainly be the cricket-match between
Eton and Harrow. I propose, therefore,
with the reader's leave, to examine in
some detail the conditions and proba-
ble result of the forthcoming contest.
First, as to the all-important question
of numbers. Here, a careful survey
aided by certain sources of information,
authoritative, but the exact nature of
which I am unable to reveal — inclines
me to the belief that there will be
little or no inequality in the actual
numerical strength of the opposing
forces. For data upon which to base
our conclusions we are therefore com-
pelled to turn to the factor of individual
achievement [turns accordingly for
half a column] . I have no hesitation
in saying that Etonians can await the
issue of the approaching conflict with
unshaken equanimity. Eton will win.
TUESDAY. — Readers of this paper
will be pleased to receive the first public
intimation of a romantic betrothal. Sir
John Brown, as I am exceptionally in
a position to state, has during the past
four-and-twenty hours proposed to Hon.
Mary Jones, and been accepted. Miss
Jones will be recalled as the popular
eldest daughter of Lord and Lady Jones,
at whose Welsh home the interesting
event has just occurred. The wedding,
probably a quiet one, is likely to take
place very shortly so that the bride and
bridegroom may be settled in town
before the opening of the Autumn
Session.
WEDNESDAY. — Striking confirmation
of the news which I was able to give
yesterday as to the approaching union
of the houses of Brown and Jones, is
afforded in the tidings that Lady Jones
is giving an impromptu dance this
evening at her house, 405, Hill Street,
in honour of Miss Jones's betrothal. I
hear that many smart hostesses are
getting up boy-and-girl dinners for this
interesting occasion. 405 is a delightful
house for dancing.
THURSDAY. — The musical At Home
given at 405, Hill Street last night by
Sophonisba, Lady Jones (not, of course,
to be confused with the wife of the
Welsh peer of the same name), was in
every way a brilliant success. Every-
body in town seemed to be there. M.
Breitmann, the well-known Dutch tenor,
sang many songs ; and the playing of the
White Portuguese Orchestra was enor-
mously enjoyed. By the way, speaking
of the Joneses, you may take it from me
OCTOHKIS '20, l!U."i.|
PUNCH, (HI TIIK LONDON CI I. \IMV.\i: I.
,,,
rict ideas of war economy, to her nephew, who h<u just been promoted from the ranks and hot Amwi
-WELL, YOU DO LOOK NICK, REGGIE, DEAR; BUT DOK'I YOU THINK YOU MIGHT WEAK o
UNI'FOBM' FIRSTHAND KEEP THIS ONE FOR SUNDAYS?"
that all the rumours contradictory of
the approaching marriage between
Miss Mary Jones and Sir John Brown
are entirely without foundation. The
wedding, I hear, will he celebrated at
Tenby. This is exclusive and official,
:md may be regarded as absolutely
disposing of all reports to the contrary.
Km DAY. — The one innings defeat of
Eton by Harrow can have come as no
sin-prise to the readers of this journal.
Other things being equal, it is obvious
that the result of such a contest as this
depends almost entirely upon the state
of the wicket. And it has long been an
open secret that the recent dry weather
had rendered the wicket so fast that, if
11 ai row could muster their full strength
in bats, the result was a foregone con-
clusion. Of course two days' steady
rain would have sufficed to reverse this
situation; but in cricket (as I have
more than once pointed out) we are
concerned with facts, not with far-
fetched eventualities.
Sir John Brown, touching whose
matrimonial prospects gossip has been
so busy lately — and as usual utterly
wide of the mark — leaves town this
week for Central Africa, big game hunt-
ing. This disposes once and for all
of various entirely futile conjectures
concerning one of the most confirmed
bachelors in Society.
SATURDAY. — The very quiet wedding
of Sir John Brown to Miss Jane
Robinson seems to have come as a:
bombshell to many of our amateur!
prophets. To those in the know, how-
ever, signs have for some time not been
wanting that something of the kind
was probable, though (for obvious
reasons) we could give no more precise
indication of our knowledge.
i happy event took place at Salisbury,
land the only bridesmaid, the Hon.
Mary Jones— alas for ill-informed prog-
nostication !— was charmingly gowned
in blue and silver chiffon. Thus ends
a crowded week. Of the events to be
expected in the next we shall reserve
information till Monday.
" Landing of the Allied troops coming to
the assist im,' of the people of Serbia n
begun and will take its curse."
Manchester Evening MM*.
These pessimists again.
Mr. Punch begs leave to remind his
generous readers that a special effort
is to be made on Thursday, October
21st, to raise funds for the support of
the splendid work that is be ng carried
on by the British Red Cross Society
and the Order of St. John of Jerusalem
for our wounded at the Front and for
those of our Allies. Among their
many nobls services these Societies
have already sent out 5,000 Surgeons,
Nurses, Stretcher-Bearers, Hospital
Orderlies, Motor- Ambulance Drivers ;
£140,000 worth of Hospital and Medi-
cal Stores ; £220,000 worth of gifts
for the wounded, including nearly
2,000,000 articles of clothing ; 1,000
Motor-Ambulances, Lorries. Cycles,
&c., which require £200,000 for a
year's upkeep ; and 1,200 packets of
food every week to Prisoners-of-war
in Germany; besides establishing
Hospitals, Hospital Trains, Rest
Stations and Convalescent Homes
abroad. It is impossible to spend
money in a better cause.
338
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[OCTOBER 20, 1915.
THE BUDGET.
"WELL, well," said Francesca, "this Budget of yours
doesn't seem to be so popular after all."
" It 's a way Budgets have," I said. " But why do you
call tliis one mine'.' i hadn't the least bit of a little linger,
let alone a hand, in it."
"No, you didn't absolutely »inke it; but yon praised it
up to the skies and said it was a proof of financial stability
and inexhaustible resources, and a nasty smack in the eye
for the Germans and all that sort of thing; and now you
admit it 's not popular. If it 's all you said it was, people
ought simply to be loving it and raving about it — but
they 're not."
" Oh, yes," I said, " some of them are. For instance, if
you met Mr. McKEXNA you'd find him perfectly devoted
to it."
" Oh, don't," she said.
" Don't what ? " I said.
"Don't conjure up a vision of my meeting Mr.
McKEXXA."
"Why not?" I said. Mr. MC!\ENNA'S a very able man.
He once rowed in the Cambridge crew."
" Yes, yes, I know," she said ; " but that was a good many
years ago, wasn't it ? It 's had time to wear off. Now
he 's just bristling with figures."
" And a very good sort of thing to bristle with," I said.
"If a man must bristle with something let him bristle
with—
" I daresay you 're right," she said. " You sometimes
are. But I own I like a quiet unobtrusive bristler — the sort
of man who doesn't want to take you beyond ten times ten
in the multiplication table. I 'in sure Mr. MC!YENNA
couldn't be persuaded to stop there. He 'd be into rule of
three and vulgar fractions and recurring decimals before you
could turn round, and he "d pile millions and billions and
trillions on your head. Where should I be with a man
like that? I don't even know what four and a half per
cent, is on thirteen pounds seven shillings and ninepence
three farthings. Nor for the matter of that do you — now
do you? "
" Francesca," I said, " I will be quite honest with you.
I do not know at this moment what four and a-half par
cent, is (or are) on thirteen pounds seven shillings and
ninepenca three-farthings. The calculation is complex and
difficult, but if you give me time and a pancil and a piece of
paper I will start on it with every hope of carrying it to a
more or less satisfactory finish ; but I warn you not to be
too sanguine about it. It won't be a large sum — something
well under a pound, I fancy ; in fact so small that it 's
scarcely worth worrying about. However, if you insist I '11
have a shot at it. Only you must leave me alone in the
room and come back in about an hour and a-half."
" And there," said Francesca, " you have the difference
between you and Mr. McKEXXA. If I asked him a thing
like that he 'd rattle out the answer without so much as
blinking. ' Eleven and fivepence and forty-one fifty-thirds
of a penny,' he'd say, or whatever the real answer might
be. ' Next, please.' And he could go on like that for ever,
even if he had scores of wives in the room with him."
" Don't you think," I said, " that you are rather jumping
at conclusions about the CHANCELLOR o:' THE EXCHEQUER?"
"Well," she said, "if I see a conclusion simply staring
me in the face I like to go for it quick. You like to go
down on your knees and crawl up to it, and you generally
find it isn't there when you get to it."
" At an)' rate," I said, " I observe the logical processes."
"There isn't time in these days for logical processes.
Things have to he done sharp and slippy."
"Like taxation," I suggested.
"Yes, isn't it monstrous?"
"I remember," I said, "when that great statesman, Mr.
GLADSTONE —
" You don't seem to have thought so much of him when
ho was alive," she said.
" Anyhow," I said, " I remember when he proposed to
abolish the income-tax altogether."
•• And why didn't he ? "
" Because the country wouldn't have it. The country
scouted the mere idea and gave tho old man a frightful
knock."
" Oh dear," said Francesca, " I wish I 'd lived in those
days."
" Mid- Victorian," 1 said. " You wouldn't have liked
them."
" I should have loved them," she said. " It would have
been like living in ANTHONY THOLLOPE'S novels."
" Yes, and you would have fallen in love with the wrong
man at the beginning of the book and would have kept on
refusing me —
" No ; you 'd have been the wrong man."
" You 'd have kept on refusing me, in spite of your whole
family, up to the last chapter but one."
" And then I should have decided to be an old maid, and
so we should have gone on through half-a-dozen sequels.
Yes, I should have loved those da\*."
" However," I said, " you can't have them back, and so
it 's no use crying over spilt novels."
"Never mind," she said, "there's always Mr. McKKNNA
and his Budget."
" And the income-tax," I said, " and the taxes on pianos
and motor cars."
" Yes," she said, " why do they want those ? "
"I think I can explain that," I said.
" I wish you would."
" Well," I said, " when the balance of trade —
"What's that?" she said.
" I wish you wouldn't interrupt."
" All right," she said, " go on."
'• When the balance of trade is heavily against us ; that
is to say when the imports largely exceed the exports —
" How naughty of them ! What 's an import? "
"An import," I said, "is something imported into this
country from another country."
"I thought it was going to be that" she said. "Like
guava jelly."
" Well, yes," I said, " something like that. So when
there is a heavy excess of imports we have to check them."
"Why?" she said. "I like guava jelly. I don't want
it checked a bit."
" Ah, but we mustn't spjnd our money on luxuries. We
must learn to save," I said, " so as to —
" I see," she said : " so as to be able to pay more and
more in taxes. I 've got it at last."
" Yes," I said, " that 's about the long and the short of it."
" Well then," she said, " I want you to promise me one
thing."
" It 's promised," I said. " What is it ? "
"Promise me, when you pay our taxes, to pay them, not
grudgingly, but gladly. Don't merely look pleasant, but
be pleasant. It's about the only way in which wo can
really help in the war."
I promised to do my best. E. C. L.
" But \vt> (In nut forget the mexorablenws of Anna Domini."
Even POPE'S " Great Anna, whom three realms obey," was
nothing to this one.
OCTOBER 20. 1915.] PUNCH, OK Till- I.N.NDON CHARIVARI.
^f>«
Newly-joined Officer (at reveille). " CONFOUND YOU ! THAT 's THE SECOND TIME THIS WEEK you 'VE WAKED ME CP WITH THAT DASHED
TRUMPET OF YOUB8 ! "
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)
FOR this great while Mrs. ALFRED SIDOWICK has com-
manded the homage of those who like an interesting story
told with a pleasant touch of distinction. But I am afraid
that in her latest volume, Mr. Broom and His Brother
(CHAPMAN AND HALL), though the story is there — indeed
two stories — the distinction is sadly to seek. The fact is1
that the book is composed of a brace of pot-boilers, good
enough by the measure of such things, but astonishingly
below the level that we have learnt to expect from Mrs.
SIDGWICK. Having said this, I will admit unblushing that
I read every page of both tales and could have enjoyed
more. The first is about a Prince who is bored with
Princeliness, so he runs away and becomes Mr. Brocm,
travelling secretary to a pair of good-hearted vulgarians.
It is also about a fair maid, rich beyond counting, with
whom the supposed Mr. Broom falls in love. Finally it is
about two very wicked villains, male and female, who are
constantly endeavouring, for financial motives, to poison
the heroine or push her over cliffs. I fancy somehow that
Mrs. SiiKixvicK, having done suilicient violence to her gentle
nature in creating this astonishing pair, was at something of
a loss how to deal with them. For one thing, the number
of trios she allows them to have at poor Patricia, while the
good characters stand about and watch, struck me as an
excess of generosity. Finally, however, the villains run away
unharmed (to bob up serenely in the next story and murder
somebody else) and Patricia falls into the arms of Mr. Broom.
So ho puts on his; smart i.'st uniform, which with a fine pre-
vision he appears to have brought with him on purpose,
and everybody bows, and the curtain comes down on a
blaze of regal splendour. All of which is agreeable enough,
but hardly Sidgwickian. Nor is the second story much more
convincing. 1 can only trust that the author, having shown
what she can do with puppets, will now return to the
humans whom she draws so delightfully.
If ever there was a book in which you might expect
white-hot anger, and find instead a constraint and sobriety
infinitely more eloquent, it is the volume issued under tin-
auspices of the French Foreign Office, and published in
England, with an introduction by the translator, Mr.
J. O. P. BLAND, under the comprehensive title of Germany's
Violations of the Laws of Wur (HKINKMANS). Here is an
indictment of an army and a nation absolutely unanswer-
able ; deadly in its direct simplicity. There are ten chap-
ters in the book. Each of them deals with some special
variety of crime, such as treachery, violations of treaty, use
of forbidden agents, cruelty, theft and the like. At the
head of each is quoted the undertaking given by Germany
in the articles of the Hague Convention ; below in grim
contrast are the Deeds of Germany, such a record of infamy
as can never fade from the recollection of thinking men.
The charges are based partly on the signed and sworn
testimony of responsible witnesses, more often on the
writings of German officers and men, and of these writings,
in the large majority of cases, a photographic fac-simile
accompanies the printed version and translation. No
method could be more utterly damning, for it allows no
possibility of evasion or contradiction. Out of their own
mouths Germans stand here condemned for all time as a
people who have deliberately removed themselves beyond
the pale of civilisation. Before such a record all prattle • f
excuse and allowances • must sink to an abashed silence.
340
PUNCH, OR TIIK LONDON C11A1MVAIM.
[OCTOHER 20, 1915.
I.itiTd fn-ri/ttii miinct : these torn and mud-stained scraps
of paper. Iragments from diaries and pocket-books, liave
built a barrier tliat for generations will sbut out Germany
froin the community of the human nice.
To be able to depict a bore without permitting his person-
ality to bore the render requires an adroitness which very
few novelists possess, and ELLEN THOKNKYCROFT FOWLER
slums in her latest story, Ten /><•;//•<•<••,• Iliii'L'inir// ( H ODDER
AND STOI'GHTON), that she is not one of them. For the
purposes of the plot., it was necessary to convince the reader
that Anna/ 1'! Kinganorth was to an almost inhuman extent
endowed with stupidity and lack of humour ; and Miss
FOWLER does it by recording her every speech, with the
result that before long one's dislike of Miss
becomes a comprehensive dislike of the book and everything
in it. A great weariness falls upon one. It was possibly
this weariness that prevented me from being able to assimi-
late the situation for which nine-tenths of the book was
designed to prepare me. As a rule I am not an exacting novel-
reader. Give me time, don't
bustle me, let me brace mv-
self up and make the effort,
and I can swallow nearly
anything. But the culmi-
nating point — what Ameri-
cans call the punch — of Ten
Degrees Backward was too i
much for me. On my honour
as a Learned Clerk, it is ,
this— that a wife dresses \
herself up in man's clothes ;
and passes herself off on ,
her husband for a long
period of time as his
brother-in-law, and he has
not a suspicion of the truth
till she throws her arms
round his neck and bursts
into tears. It is true that
Miss FOWLER dwells on the
fact that the wife and her
brother were twins and that !
the husband's sight was de- L
fective. But — no ! It may be that I was so reduced by
three hundred pages of Annabel that I was not in my best
form ; it may be that I am not the swallower I thought
myself. The fact remains that this test of my gift for
Little Girl.
Shopkeeper.
Little Girl.
deglutition was beyond me.
do better next tim
I am sorry, and shall try to
To say a book is excellent is one thing ; to say it is
excellent of its sort is a matter so entirely different that I
am afraid I cannot expect Mrs. GEORGE DE HOKNE VAIZEY
to value very highly an appreciation thus qualified ; hut
really and truly, in regard to her latest venture, Salt of Life
(MiLLS AND BOON), there is nothing else for it. That the
class near the head of which it is to be placed is large and
familiar you will understand very readily on hearing that
the story has to do with lots of nice little girls turning into
nice big girls, not finding adventures or even many inci-
dents in the process, but just discovering in the most
natural way imaginable how pleasant it is to look pretty,
how well arranged is a scheme of things that leads in the
Victorian manner to warm homes and the smiles of Hahy
Peter. Once in the secret you will not be surprised to
learn that the jolliest lass of the troop wrote novels on the
sly, which in the end, though for a while one had quite
good hopes to the contrary, promised to make her famous ;
nor that the prettiest had hectic cheeks which eventually
required her to be sacrificed in the interests of pathos; nor,
indeed, that her wraith overlooked the difference between
Canadian and English time in appearing to announce the
event. All this, I say, you might well foresee, but you
might not. by any means guess what a nimble way the
authoress has of sliding about the pages, patting and coax-
ing her dutiful children to keep them all marching abreast;
nor the lavish supply of dainty humour with which the
whole procession is besprinkled from 1 to 400. It is this
that makes me cry excellent, and as for the Sort — it is
many people's sort, and very likely yours.
A title like The Wife Who Found Out (WKKNKK LAURIE),
by the author of The Secret Flat and The \\'il<! Widow,
justifies one in supposing that one is meant to expect a
dubious tale of domestic infelicity.. Well, one gets it duly
from Miss WKNTWOUTH-.JAMEH. But what Laity ('nr*lnitt
really found out was something much more tremendously
thrilling than Sir Cl (/ford's quite incidental if notorious
aberrations. For she dis.
covered why Leonie, or la
belle liefuijiee, as she is
commonly called, who was
alleged to have left her
parents slaughtered in Ter-
main, was devoted to such
a singularly uninteresting
person as Sir Clifford, the
well-known inventor of the
" mariscope," a dodge for
detecting the approach of
submarines. I dare not tell
you that The Wife Who
Found Out found out any-
thing very likely; or th:>t,
in general, either incidents
or setting have any plausi-
ble relation to life as it is
lived; or that Leonie, who
knew no English to speak
of, was a credible spy or a
tactful ; or that .S'/r Cl/lfonl
behaved in any way re-
motely resembling a member of "the Naval Board." But.
after all, what is Art for but to conceal Life ? I find no other
sufficient recommendation for this ingenuous narrative,
which from its general character, its boneless anatomy and
its division into palpitating convenient lengths I should
judge to have begun life as a, feuilleton.
'A LOAF, PLEASE."
"BREAD'S GONE UP A HA'PENNY THIS MORNING
'WELL, GIVE ME ONE OF YESTERDAY'S."
The Scapegoat.
"From cotton, through Gallipoli to the resignation of Veni/i •!'•*
we have a chain of disasters absolutely staggering in their fatuity.
I think the public must now ask firmly: 'Who is responsible •:"—
AUSTIN HARUISON." — Sunday 1'ictorial.
We should never have dared to lay the blame on him.
" Major Yates fell wounded. Comley, who was also wounded, saw
him fall, and getting up started to run fifty years to the major's
side." — Ercniny Paper.
" He himself was within ten years of a German ' 77 ' gun."
Munnni/ Paper.
No wonder people ask how long the War is going to last.
"Lust Thursday and Friday the German positions were battered
continuously for fifty hours." — Yorkshire Evening / W.
Soldiers have often said that the day at the Front seemed
longer than it does at home, but this is the first intimation
we have had that it is actually longer.
-.UK '27, P.M.-,.;
1'1'NCII.
TIIK I.'»M><>\ CI!Al;l\ AIM.
CHARIVARIA.
AN American. Pecentlj returned from!
(lei-mam, asserts that in order to
proteel the KUSKK from capture or
injury four soldiers made up to re-
semhle him travel about in duplic
tin- Imperial car and receive tllO cheers
of the populace. It is charitably sup-
posed that one at least of the dummies
-one beyond the passi\r
assigned to him, and that this accounts
for some of the strange utterances
attributed to the KAISI:I:.
# *
After declaring that the KAISI.K
tires the imagination of every (lernian
"because in him there live again tbe
comhined spirits of an Alexander, a
Csasar., and a Charlemagne," the Ham-
burg l-'miiili'iil'liill asserts that "we
Germans would gladly follow his lead
through the very gates of hell, were it
necessary." The qualification is surely
superfluous.
Miss MAUY I'><>OTH, of the Salvation
Army, says that at one of the base-
bospitals in France, when a wounded
man is lo he sent home, three pieces
of tape mo tied at the foot of the bed,
and from that moment tbe patient can
think of nothing else. A similar phe-
nomenon has been observed in some of
the (lovernment offices at home.
:;: <:
After the success of a Maubeuge
factory chimney in killing a /eppelin
crew, it is reported that Sir PKHCV SCOTT
is about to build a ring of similar strue-
tures all round London,
p #
The publishers of .T. K. GKKKN'S
History of the Eniilixh I'fo/il"
announce "a new and final edition."
This indication that British annals will
shortly be closed has given great plea-
sure in Berlin. ... ^
t
Mr. Ari'LETON, secretary of the (len-
eral Federal ion of Trade Unions, is
reported to have said that " tliose who
were in favour of conscription were not
playing cricket." He. might have added,
with at least equal truth, that some of
those who are opposed to conscription
are still playing football.
$ •'.-
*
According to Sir HEKHEBT TREE
(as reported in a Birmingham paper)
"only the force and calm of humour
could slay us from crossing the border-
land which separated despair from mad-
ness." But where are we at present '.'
* *
On learning from Tin' llritisli .l/<W/rv/
Jdiinial that the heart is " insensitive
to direct stimulation" several of our
minor poets have retired from business.
- -
THE PROFESSIONAL SPIRIT.
Garage Assistant. "THERE'S THE ZEPPELIN, Sra— RIOHT OVEBHEAD! COVE «x. OB
SHE "LL HAVB A BOMB ON US ! ''
Engineer. "Mvf AIK'T HKU KNOISES Busxreo EOMKTHIN-Q «
A Mitcham •woman was fined £5 at
Croydon recently for taking a l»te out
of a police-sergeant's hand. For the
same money she might almost have
had a whole cheese sandwich at one
of our night clubs.
*.,*
The ( '/'«'<•</./<•> Times reports that
JACQUES LEBAUDY, " Emperor of
Sahara," has consented to undergo
treatment in an American asylum for
what he calls " those sudden ideas."
Some of our \Var experts are made of
sterner stuff.
In an otherwise appreciative notice
of the new play at the King^v-iy
Theatre, the writer observes. '< A- yet,
of course, there are plenty of signs of
immatunity." It i* " !li<'(> ^"r(1- but
\\e should have l>een inclined to i.
it for a musical comedy,
•s *
It is expect<xl that the distribution
of the Nobel Prixcs will again l>e sus-
pended this year. This will be a
<reat disappointment to the KAISER,
who had counted on getting one for his
| efforts in the cause of r»
vnr.. CXLIX.
342
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[OCTOBER 27, 1915.
BALKAN NURSERY RHYMES.
(After TENNYSON'S lullaby in " Sea
Dreams.")
" What does little birdie s-.iv
In her nest at break of day ? "
\Yir\T does little FERDIE say
In his tent behind the fra\ '.'
"I'm afeared," says little FEU PIE,
" I shall lose my head some day."
FEHDIE, wait a little longer
Till the hate of you grows stronger,
And your nose a little longer —
You shall lose your head some day.
What does little Tixo say
In his chamber, Athens way?
" Let me off," says little Tixo,
" I don't want to join the fray."
TINO, what of Salonika?
Though his fides may be Graca,
For the sake of Salonika
TINO too shall join the fray.
What does little MEHMED say
In his harem, far from gay?
" Since you ask mo, I was thinking
I should like to run away.
Whether England knocks me silly,
Or I wipe the boots of WILLY,
I shall end by looking silly ;
I 'm a loser either way." 0. S.
THE GRAND FLEET.
(With acknowledgments to the A merit-mi
author of the articles, " With the
Grand Fleet," written for " The
Times " of London, Emj.)
THE sea !
Salamis looked on it, WILLIAM THE
CONQUEROR crossed it, LIPTON and
DEWEY have sailed it, Brighton is
situated on it, JONAH was thrown into
it, and I myself have been sick of it
on my way to Europe to write articles.
There are different sections of the
sea, and it is not to be inferred that
this part of it is identical with any-
thing scheduled above. On the con-
trary, it is another section. But it
is the same sea — breezy, wet, briny,
with little waves that splash and big
waves that do rather more, and undula-
tions that biing the throbbing heart of
a journalist nearer to his palpitating
mouth. And on this sea — this well-
known, time-honoured, immemorial
sea — v.'hat do I behold ? A Fleet !
For some reason, unfathomable as
the waters, I am permitted to go round
this Fleet. And I will tell you all
about it.
As a Dry Goods Store is directed by
a \Vanamaker, so is this Fleet directed
by an Admiral. JELLICOE is his name,
but JELLICOE is not his nature.
An American might well expect to
find in him some physical resemblance
to NELSON'S column in Trafalgar
Square, but he would be disappointed.
The column would hurt you if it fell
on you; JELLICOE is not like that.
The Commander-in-Chief walks the
deck of the Unsinkable. Like his
great predecessor of the Pinafore, lie
carries a telescope under his arm.
When he wishes to see anything dis-
tant he applies the telescope to his eye
— not to a blind eye, as did Lord
NELSON, but to a seeing, hearing,
watching eye. He paces the deck,
and as ho paces a tense air of attention
seems to spread galvanically amongst
his men. They stand alert and up-
right ; they do not slouch ; their hands
are not in their pockets ; their backs
are not turned carelessly on their
Admiral.
Yet JELLICOE is not a harsh or brutal
tyrant ; ho is a good and kindly man.
He is strong and yet gentle ; clean-
shaven and yet devout ; and capable,
so they say. His men love him, and
his country will learn to appreciate
him now that I have told it of his real
worth. And always remember that he
bears gladly with neutral journalists.
From the contemplation of J ELLICOE
I pass on to other ships and other men.
And hero let me tell you that the
Captains and Admirals are chiefly
remarkable for this, that they are not
senile ; and that life for them is one
ceaseless round of duties. Would you
have thought it if I had not told you ?
And the ships ! Here lie the
giant Hyena and the massive Gnu,
with their glossy guns and shining
Midshipmen. Young men too, these
latter, with not a grev hair amongst
them. Here is the Lady Squadron
— the good Queen Anne, the saucy
Bloody Mary, the Susie that does not
sew shirts. Here rises the Insoluble,
hard hit in the Balkan Peninsula.
The shell made one hole as it came in
and another as it went out, but both
apertures are now closed up — such is
the wonderful thoroughness of naval
organization. Here roll the tiny Des-
troyers, grey as their own sea, black as
their own coal, white as — no, not white
as. And, mind you, every ship has
its complement of well-trained men —
not a German amongst them — and
every gun its adjunct of shot and shell !
At moments I felt that I must be on
my own North American Fleet, and
there came like a flash to me that
memorable phrase of one of my country-
men— "Blood is thicker than water."
I see it all, not as in a dream, but
in a waking reality — great vessels melt-
! ing into horizons and looming out of
; distances ; gaunt guns and slumbering
j torpedoes ; winking yard-arms of wire-
, less ; decks a-scrub and spars a-shinc ;
canvas that passes in the night. It is
all tlrere.
And through the haze, and the sea,
and the sun-rise and the sun-set, and
all my bag of journalistic tricks — al»>\ <-
and below all this, what is the inner
meaning of this mighty sea and this
storm-tossed Fleet ? To me it is clear.
Its message — its meaning — is this :
that over the bosom of this selfsame
sea, and under the guns of this self-
same Fleet, a neutral country may
render its invoices and ship its goods
and haul in its dollars in perfect safety
and happiness — yea, even trade its
Christmas purchases with Germany !
Some Fleet !
Hounds of War.
Mr. II. A. CKUSO recently had a
poem in The Westminster Gazette on
the subject of the " impatience" of our
ships : —
" Greyhounds we
Of the old grey sea,
Straining and tugging our leash to
be free.
Hark! hark!
Do you hear us bark ? ' '
He went on to show that these bark-
ing (sic) greyhounds are very anxious
to follow the scent (sic) and chase their
quarry to its lair (sic). We fear that
Mr. CRUSO must have been some time
on his desert island and missed the
\Yatei loo Cup meetings. Or perhaps
there is a difference between Waterloo
and Trafalgar greyhounds.
Le Mot Juste.
From a story in The Christian-
World:—
" She fingered her copper tresses gingerly."
1 Private
has had a series of mis-
fortunes. He lost his hat and his money on
coming home from France, he missed his
train going back (and was delayed until List
Tuesday), and now he has just missed Icsing
his life."
Wolverhampton Express and Star.
Private is understood to be bear-
ing up under the last misfortune with
remarkable fortitude.
" According to press reports German troops
and artillery are being transferred from Galicia
to the Siberian front."
Lira-pool Evening Express.
The Russians, we understand, are giv-
ing them every facility in the way of
railway-trains and escorts.
"Desirous of making the whole Chamber
acquainted with the military and diplomatic
situation in the East the Committee on
Eternal Affairs unanimously decided to ar-
range a preliminary meeting for to-morrow."
Morning Paper.
The Everlasting Eastern Question is
now in the right hands.
ITNCII, OK Till; LONDON (IIMMVAKI 0 roBEB 27,
OUR FRIEND THE ENEMY.
JOHN Bur,M,,, „,/,»/,). "AH, HERE HE COMKS A<;.MN-MY BEST RECRUITER.'
OCTOBER 27, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ClIAUIVAUI.
•1
i
Wounded Soldier. " IT ACHES SOMETHING CHCEL."
Fisitor. "HAVE YOU TOLD THE DOCTOR?"
SoWi«r. "NO. I DON'T TELL HIM MUCH OF HOW I FEEL3-IT OKLY PIS
THE CENSOR AMONG THE POETS.
PUBLIC attention was recently drawn
to the action of the Government Censor
in excising the words "and the kings"
from the well - known line of Mr.
KIPLING'S " Recessional " : —
"The captains and the kiugs depart."
The alleged reason was that no kings
could depart as there were no kings
there ; but the excision was really made
on the ground that the Censor could
not admit any reference to the move-
ments of Royalty.
As journalists, however, in spite of
tho privileges accorded to them, con-
tinue to indulge in the miscellaneous
citation of English verse, with complete
disregard of military consequences, we
understand that a large number of in-
structions are about to be issued by the
Simple Simons of the Censorship,
for the guidance of those who insist on
quoting familiar lines. Thus: —
•'Drink to me only with thine eyes."
Delete " with thine eyes," as suggesting
defective water-supply.
" Come into tho garden, Maud."
For "garden" read "basement." See
Official Directions.
"It was a summer evening.
Old Kaspar's work was done."
Delete second line as calculated to en-
courage unfavourable view of English
industry. Old Kaspar should be re-
presented as working overtime at near-
est munition factory.
" Oft in the stilly night,
Ere slumber's chain hath bound me,
Fond memory brings the light," &v.
Delete phrase about light. Fond
memory should not bring a light of
any kind at this hour. Sec Police
Regulations.
" They grew in beauty side by side,
They filled one home with glee."
Cancelled as direct incitement to baby-
killers.
" Ye distant spires, ye antique towers,
That crown the watery glade."
Delete second line as likely to assist
enemy in location of important national
buildings.
" Mary had a little lamb."
Delete last three words as suggesting
shortage of food supply.
" I shot an arrow into the air ;
It fell to earth, I know not where."
Delete second line, which might l*e
taken to indicate inaccuracy of anti-
aircraft marksmanship.
Aunty-Aircraft.
A married daughter living "some-
where in London" was asked to wire
home if safe after Zeppelin raid. The
following telegram was received in
reply : —
"Aunt talked so hard wo hoard neither
bombs nor guns."
"The vessel [a Zeppelin] seems ta havo
lost its bearings, for it h«d apparently been
cruising about tho Zuider Zoo before the fusil-
lade of the centuries brought its commander
to realise his position."
He felt then that time was against him.
"Tho lowest price consols has reached WM
in IT'JT, when, owing to tho meeting at the
Nose, the figure fell to £47;."
Teesdde Mercury.
The delicacy of feeling which prompts
this veiled allusion to the Mutiny at
the Nore will be much appreciated in
Naval circles.
346
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVA1U.
[OCTOBER 27, 1915.
A GENERAL RISING.
THE telephone began it. I walked,
after my custom, briskly into the call-
box, raised the receiver and asked for
the number — a thing I have done for
years. I then extracted from my
pocket the two pennies which had
been carefully placed there for the
purpose and waited.
The girl's voice at last sounded :
" Put three pennies in the slot and
turn the handle," she said.
You could have knocked me down
with anything.
" Put how many ? " I asked.
" Three pennies in the slot and turn
the handle," she replied.
" Why three ? " I inquired icily.
" The price has gone up," she said.
" Why ? " I asked.
" What is dearer? "
" I don't know," she
said. " Everything 's
gone up."
" But it 's a swindle,"
I declared. "It's "
"Put three pennies
in the slot and turn the
handle," she broke in.
"I can't," I said.
" I 've only brought
two."
" Then you can't
telephone," she replied.
She had the grace to
add, " I "m sorry."
" But I 'm an old
customer," I said. "I'm
one of your best cus-
tomers."
" I can't help it," she
replied.
" Mayn't I owe you
a penny?" I asked.
"I'm sorry, but it can't be done,"
she replied.
"All right," I said. "You can tell
them that in future all I have to say
I shall write on halfpenny postcards.
They 've lost a good friend." And I
came away.
This bitter experience proved to be a
fitting prelude to a disenchanting day.
Going next to rny tobacconist for
a new half-pound tin of what used
once to be harmlessly and playfully
called "Plutocrat Mixture," for which
I have been in the habit of paying at
the rate of sevenpence an ounce, I put
down two half-crowns, expecting four-
pence change.
" I 'm very sorry," said the tobac-
conist, " but it 's gone up. It 's ten-
pence an ounce now."
"Why?" I asked.
" The new taxation," he said.
" I don't believe you got this stock in
since the Budget," I said.
He averted his eyes, and I perceived
that I had hit the truth.
"It's old stock," I said, "and you
ought to give an old customer the
benefit of it. If you haven't paid extra
on it why should I ? "
Ho said it was impossible for him,
doing the trade he did, to know what,
was old stock and what was new. All
he knew was that the tax on tobacco
had gone up and he would shortly
be ruined.
I bade him a permanent farewell and
in another shop purchased a cheap
tobacco which burnt my tongue and is
burning it even now as I write.
Then, having a cold, I went to the
chemist's for some asperin. For a
tiny bottle of tabloids he asked two
shillings.
"My DEAB! CHAMPAGNE IN WAR TIME!"
"Absurd," I said.
" You won't get it cheaper," he said.
" It 's gone up. It 's going up more
too."
" I used to get that for tenpence or
less," I said as I left the shop. " Two
shillings! Pooh."
But I had to pay two shillings before
I had done, or go without. That 's
the worst of things that one really
wants ; the shopkeepers always get
you in the end. In spiting them you
merely cut off your nose.
I then went to be shaved.
" I 'm sorry," said the barber, " but
we 've had to add twopence to the
charge. The War, you know."
I said I knew it.
" How ? " he asked.
" It 's in the air," I said.
" Oh, no, Sir," he replied, " not the
'air. In the lather. Lather 's gone up."
I was now due to fulfil with extreme
reluctance an old engagement in the
electrocuting — I mean — dentist's chair.
Having taken my seat I asked him
if he had heard of the great advance.
He stopped in whatever diabolical
task lie was performing at his box of
tricks and turned round excitedly.
"Has there'?" he said. "Where?
In France ? "
"No," I said, "in price. Every-
thing 's dearer."
He completed his grisly preparations,
and then, having got me well into his
power, he began to talk. He said that
it was an awful bore and he was very
sorry, but lie and his partner, much
against their own wish, had been forced
to — ah — slightly augment their fees.
" I suppose forceps are much dearer? "
I inquired.
" Well ah— " he said.
"And hot water," I continued, "I'm
sure that 's risen."
JI° finished my poor
mouth in silence, which,
at any rate, was some-
thing to be glad about.
Such was by now the
state of my nerves that
I literally sobbed with
joy and relief when, on
entering a post-offic >
and inquiring of the
young lady the price of
a penny stamp, she re-
plied, " One penny." I
felt as if I would never
buy anything else. Is
the gum, I wonder, nu-
tritious enough to sup-
port life ?
That evening I sat
down and wrote a
letter to be sent to the
editors of all the papers
to which I succeed in
contributing articles.
"DEAB SIB (I wrote), — I beg to inform
you that in consequence of the War
and the rise in the cost of paper, pens
and ink, I have been reluctantly forced
to increase my price from one penny to
one penny farthing a line."
But I did not send it. Literary men
have no courage. Also they are not
necessaries.
" Two young Ladies (at present Tailoresses)
desire change of occupation; would not object
to taking gentleman's position."
Eastbourne Gazette.
Another triumph for the sex ! It takes
nine tailors to make a man, but only
two tailoresses to make a gentleman.
" Would a Lady, giving up her school, sell
her boarders, Girls, to a first-class Inland
School, 20 miles ont of London? Liberal
terms." — Morning Paper.
The Anti-Slavery Society ought to in-
tervene to get these boarders enlarged.
OCT<>I:I;K 27, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR TIIK LONDON CIIAIMVAKI.
MEATLESS
[In Jlritlth Without
MAGIC.
f/il ilrs. Ki sru i:
.irious recipes, in wlnrli,
;cr ingredients, appear "emproto"
;ui<l " ezubovno."]
]lo\v happy tho lot of the vi'g-er,
Who, nursed in the ethics of SMILES,
Has never attended the Leger
And feeds in the manner of MILES ;
Rich luncheons that cost half-a-sov. no
Attraction exert on ins mind,
But he loves his- " emprote " and
" emhovno " —
So cheap, yet refined.
Disasters are certain to flatten
Beyond any hope of relief
Carnivorous people who batten
On gobbets of mutton and beef ;
The downfall of Warsaw and Kovno
Struck many a meat-eater dumb,
But, thanks to " emprote " and " em-
bovno,"
I didn't succumb.
\\ iiat fruit or what plant they are torn
from
No layman can ever divine ;
What Milesian soil they are born from
I cannot discover ; in fine,
What they make these ingredients of no
Poor doggerel bard can make clear,
Tis enough that " emprote " and
" ernbovno "
Enrapture the ear.
ZEPPELINS AND OTHER "MUCK."
I KKCENTLY selected a remote East
Anglian village for the purpose of a short
holiday and much-needed rest. My one
recreation was to discuss with the in-
habitants the Great War, of which I
found some of them had heard. Indeed,
tho visit of a Zeppelin had struck terror
into the heart of at least one old woman.
" Them there Zett'lius," she said — '
almost shruk as I heerd the mucky var-
mints a-shovellin' on the coals — dare !
dare ! How my pore heart did beat ! "
" But they weren't likely to trouble
you? " 1 suggested, for she lived in the
centre of three isolated single-room
cottages dedicated to the poor.
But the old lady thought "them
Jarmans" might mistake these pic-
turesque little dwellings for the homes
of tho gentry. So she crept for safety,
she said, into her next-door neighbour's
bed o' nights, for she dasn't sleep alone.
The German frightfulness had struck
home here right enough, which would
doubtless bring much joy to the Teuton
bosom, were it known.
A bomb from the Zeppelin had
dropped near the church, which it lit
up. An onlooker informed me that it
" fared to him like the body of the
chach a-floatin' away — that it did and
all ! It made a clangin'," he added,
Special (to Citizen retired for the night, whom he has called up). " YOCB OBOOTD^FLOOB
NDOW'S OPEN; AND NOW I MOST REPORT YOU FOB SHOWIHO TOO MUCH IJOHT.
" like a covey of lorries with their
innards broke loose" — not an inapt
description to one who had some per-
sonal recollections to draw on.
Another inhabitant, with a face as
expressionless as the "turinots" he
was hoeing, informed me that he had
two boys fighting. "One on 'em is in
France, wherever that might be," he
said, " and Jimmy's in that hare old
Dardelles." This, be it noted, is a land
of contractions, and the old inhabitant
invariably clips out of recognition the
names of familiar places.
"When did the elder go out?'
asked. " I can't rightly say," he replied
after much cogitation, "but it might be
a yare ago come muck-spreadin'." The
word " muck," like the article itself, is
of universal application in Norfolk, and
the local calendar usually starts from
that odoriferous season. On condoling
once with a young woman, wearily
waiting for her defaulting lover, I saw
tears in her eyes as she said, " We girls
are just so much muck ; we have to wait
till the men come and cart us away."
A Belgian family had been imported
into the locality, though since removed.
i I inquired if they were liked. " Well
(enough," was the answer, "but they
ionly spoke that hare Blemish, which
in course no one could rightly under-
! stand."
318
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[OCTOBER 27, 1915.
THE WATCH DOGS.
XXVII.
MY DEAR CHAKLKS, — You are not
to a3sumc from this long interval of
silence that I have conceived a sudden
dislike for you. So long as you con-
tinue to purvey cigarettes I shall
always love you, and for all that I
have bettered myself by moving from
a platoon to an army I am still not
proud.
I don't know exactly how my change
of situation got started, but I know
that the affair was conducted through
the " usual channels." Have you ever
met the " usual channels," my friend ?
Have you ever tried to correspond from
the bottom to the top of the military
machine ? If you want to experience
the sensation, you had better take the
first opportunity ; there aren't many
wars long enough for the purpose.
I incline to think that the fellow
who first started my affair, light-
heartedly coining the now immortal
text, " Lieut. Henry, transfer, pro-
posed for, of," has lived to regret his
folly, and that the only reason why
I am left where I am is that all con-
cerned eventually got so tired with the
process of getting me up from a platoon
to an army that none could be induced
to take the pains to get me back from
the army to another platoon.
Be that as it may, the idea, when
first mooted, caught on ; it became a
vogue. All the people who matter had
a dip in it. A.B.C.'s and Assistant
A.B.C.'s, X.Y.Z.'s and Deputy X.Y.Z.'s
formed the daily habit of bandying my
name about amongst them for each
other's information, please ; for each
other's guidance, please ; for each other's
nscessary action, please. No one said,
" This correspondence must now cease,"
and only I was kept out of it, never
so much as a picture-postcard coming
my way.
Now you may go on increasing
correspondence as long as buff slips
and indelible pencils hold out, and no
one (in war-time) will say you nay.
But the time arrives when the clip
becomes unequal to the duty for which
it is attached. In my case the papers
happened to be in the hands of the
Adjutant when the clip struck further
work. The Adjutant had not the
necessary daring or initiative to divide
the bundle in two. There seemed to
be nothing to do but to lose the
lot and risk being lost himself . . .
and then, by chance, he caught sight
of me, which reminded him that the
"Reference" of the minutes and memos
was, after all, a "reasonable creature,
in existence," capable of bearing its
own troubles. And so at last the
documents (in a parcel) came to me
with a note, "For your information,
guidance and necessary action." No
•' please," mark you!
Being then a child in these matters I
read the correspondence right through,
starting from the top and working
down to the bottom. From the chaos
only one thing at all definite emerged :
this Lieutenant whom all the trouble
was about would eventually have to
report to someone. The never-to-be-
forgotten maxim of the advertisement
occurred to me : " Do IT NOW ! " But to
whom to report ? The Adjutant being
out of the question, I thought of our
regimental Quartermaster, a kindly and
intelligent man ; I reported to him.
He told me that on these occasions
there were two alternatives only, the
one being to read from the bottom to
the top, the other not to read at all.
For the future he strongly recommended
the latter ; in the present instance he
was not concerned and didn't propose
to be. There 's no getting round Quar-
termasters, so I went along to the
nearest rail-head to do some more re-
porting there. I got in touch with the
E.T.O., and, ignoring his air of detach-
ment, I kept in touch with him till
lunch-time, stood him a good meal and
then took him and forced him into my
confidence. In his anxiety to work off
some of his own papers on to me he
forgot to return the original pile, so I
left him without another word, though
I should have liked to take him to task
for describing me, in my Movement
Order, as a " consignment."
It was now clear to me that, having
a movement order, it was up to me t >
move. Judging from the pace of the
train it had no movement order or, at
most, a very slight one. The mot'to of
trains in the zone of the armies is " J'y
suis; j'y rcste." Passengers have just
to sit still and watch themselves being
overtaken by battalions on the march,
using their own judgment to decide
whether the train has stopped and, if
so, whether for good or just tempor-
arily for a day or so. For my own
part I was prepared to stay where I
was for eternity, and had nearly done
so when I found myself at the town,
necessarily anonymous, at which
G.H.Q. resides. Feeling that what
is good enough for G.H.Q. is good
enough for me, I got out. Fresh from
my long period of rest, I began report-
ing again, starting with a Military
Policeman and ending with a General,
not one of your generals of everyday
life but something out of the way.
G.H.Q. proposed to put me into
another train, but I urged that I was a
man with a lot of dependants and not
much constitution ; so they relented and
put me on a motor -bicycle instead.
They told me where to go to, started
the engine, wished me luck, and left it
to Providence or the process of attrition
to effect the necessary halt. A fortu-
nate skid brought me to a standstill at
my proper destination, and, having in-
dicated to an orderly the direction in
which the bicycle was proceeding when
I last saw it, I brushed the mud off
me and looked about. Above all else,
a notice-board with Camp Commandant
printed across it made an irresistible
appeal to me.
Ho iixed me up with a billet and
a mess and then took steps to get
rid of me. I explained, with sub-
mission, that to go now only meant
to come back and report again later,
so he settled down to the matter
and made out a list of further likely
victims for my relentless persecution.
I asked him to name the likeliest. He
put his money on the " G " Oflice, as
being the most recent indentors for
nibs, blotting-paper and a new chair
and table. So I stepped across to the
" G " Office, frowned at the orderlies,
smiled at the Sergeant-Major, shook
hands with the Lieutenants, saluted ah1
the others, and, before I realised the
grim horror of it, found myself at work,
where I 've stayed ever since, although
you might have supposed that this is
ivar, not work.
But it isn't all in an office, far away
from the smoke and dirt. No, there
are two great phrases for which the
historian of this war will have a rubber
stamp ; the one is " to circulate," the
other "to function." But there are
advantages in having a home to return
to of an evening. And it all has some-
thing to do with the War, as I '11
hope to show you in my next letter
or two.
Meanwhile I do wonder what the
E.T.O. did about that correspondence.
Probably he made a dozen efforts to
get it " Passed to you, please," received
it back time after time, and eventually
in despair set it alight and cast himself
into the flames.
Yours ever, HENRY.
Belles Lettres.
" Wanted, well-bound books for library
bookshelves; contents immaterial if binding
in perfect condition." —
Trench. Uniform.
" I really could not face John when ho re-
turned from the froijt in last winter's narrow
skirts obviously widened with unexpected bits
put in." — Morning Paper.
Another Impending Apology.
" For sale, 300 good sound sleepers ; may be
viewed at St. Church, Baling."
Middlesex County Times.
OCTOBER 27, 101").]
PUNCH, OR Tin-: LONDON CIIAIMYAIM.
m
First Recruit. "WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE MAJOR, BILL?"
Second Recruit. " HE 's A CHANGEABLE KIND o' BLOKE. LAST NIGHT I SAYS TO 'in, "Oo GOES THERE?' AN' UK SAYS, '.
AN' TO-DAY 'E 'AEDLY KNOWS ME."
HER GRACE'S HOSPITAL.
WITH that close secrecy which seems
inseparable from all things military, it
was not until nearly the end of an all-
day train journey that our destination
was divulged to us. It was the Duchess
of Blankshire's Hospital, . Well,
that was fitting at least, and I tried to
forget my wounds in framing a suitable
greeting to her Grace when she met
me on the platform. " Ah, Duchess,"
I would say, " but how kind of you to
come down." Beyond that I could
make no progress. I decided to leave
the rest to the inspiration of the
moment. The last hour was an Irish
mile, and by the time I reached —
my strength, temper, patience and
courtesy were utterly exhausted. I
was earned out and into the ambu-
lance. All sense of decency was then
thoroughly shaken out of me, and
was brought to the door of the Hospital
thirsting for someone's blood. And
the Duchess hadn't come to the station.
She must have been misinformed about
the train. I prepared to talk down her
apologies. " Not at all, my dear
Duchess ; how could you tell? " etc.
Taken out of the ambulance I was
iarried to the ducal entrance-hall. Here
I came in contact with the System
(with a capital S) which dominates the
place. A huge ledger, a lady clerk, an
assistant lady clerk, an imposing young
officer directed their united efforts on
me. But where was my hoste-
specially wanted to work in that casual
" My dear Duchess." I had practised
it so well that it would sound as if I
used the title every day.
"Name?" said the I.Y.O.
I told him.
"Age?"
" Twenty-eight.
" Regiment ? "
" Sixth Blankshires."
"Ah, Territorials," he said, as if a
wounded Territorial was not quite the
same as a wounded soldier.
" Well, I have T. on my tunic, haven't
I ? " I snapped.
" Yes, yes," he said hastily and con
fused. "Age?"
"Still twenty- eight. I'll let vou
know the minute I have a birthday."
" Where are you wounded ? "
" Head, back, thigh, calf, foot."
I was taking no risks of clumsy
handling from orderlies.
Date?"
'September 5th."
1 Tetanus injection ? "
• Yes."
• Date ? "
• September 4th."
He looked pux./led. I knew that
would beat him. He didn't know 1 '<!
been wounded on different din -s.
" The day before the wound ? "
"Yes. You see I heard it coming.
Long range shrapnel, you know."
Then they carried me to my ward
and there came to meet me quite tho
\niingest tiling in nursrs you could
imagine. She looked about sixteen,
but I suppose she was more as they
don't let them loose so early. She had
pencil on lip, paper in hand, and withal
a serious and inquiring look on her
round face.
" Oh, what 's the matter with yon 7
she asked, as if expecting me to say I
had fallen off a lorry or tried conclu-
sions with a taxi. " I looked at her
solemnly as I explained: "I've got
wounded in this \Var that 's going on—
against Germany, you know." It was
perhaps too bad. She was covered
with confusion.
The large ward was glittering white.
Graceful girls moved about and looked
350
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[OCTOBER 27, 1915.
'I SUPPOSE THAT OLD GENTLEMAN'S AWF'LY AFRAID OF BEING RUN OVER. D' YOU SEE, MUMMY? HE'S GOT HIS KERBS WHITENED. "
quite busy. Then one in blue-and-
white came to me and smiled. She
asked about my wounds. Nothing
could have been more soothing than
her eyes — blue and clear. I sank in
them for a bit and then she melted away
into dreamland . . .
" You see it was this way, Duchess,"
I was saying over a cigar as we sat '
together on the verandah after din-
ner. . . "Time to get washed," said
a fierce voice in my slumbers. . .
Yes, it was full of system. It took
me two hours and five different appli-
cations to get some soap and water
outside the routine. But I got it. It
was a triumph. Then the curtains.
They must all be pulled to one parti-
cular side. I got mine put in the
middle for the sake of my eyes. All
day long I recited to each successive
rectifier of the curtain how the light
hurt my eyes. Of course I was asleep
sometimes and they got it put right.
Then it appeared that one's nose must
be in line with the centre fold of the bed
mat. I was glad I had a straight nose.
On the following afternoon, when I
was feeling a little exhausted after many
curtain, pillow and blanket disagree-
ments, there came a lady with a friendly
greeting. I didn't see what her job
was, so I said sternly and suspiciously,
" Have you been here before ? "
" Oh, yes," she said cheerfully, " I 'm
often here."
" But have you come to see me
before ? "
" Yes, I have," she answered.
Then I saw her eyes. Splosh ! I
was in again right over the ears.
" Yes, I remember you now," I said
dreamily ; " you were dressed in blue.
It suits you better. Won't you always
come in blue? "
" Well, I '11 think about it," she
laughed. " How are things going ? "
" Oh, not badly at all, but of course
in some minor matters 1 could tell the
Duchess how to improve things."
" Tell me," she smiled.
" Well, she didn't come to meet me
yesterday, and wasn't even in the hall.
Of course it may have been the War
Office that was to blame. They do say
KITCHENER is very busy these days."
" That was too bad ; but hasn't she
been to see you since? "
" No," I said gloomily.
"Well, next time you're wounded
she '11 make a point of going to the
station, I 'm sure. Now, what else? "
" Well, these plates are made so that
they spin round and round on the tray,
making it difficult, if not impossible, to
eat with one hand. You see, you can't
corner the stuff with your fork." And
I told her many things of equal im-
portance.
" All right. I must fly now, "but I '11
not forget anything you 've said."
" Nurse, who was that ? " I said
when she had gone.
" Oh, that 's the Duchess of Blank-
si lire," answered the daughter of ,
KG.
I turned over and groaned. And I
hadn't managed to work in " My dear
Duchess " at all. Still, it 's not every-
body who has told her Grace of
Blankshire, on an acquaintanceship of
a few moments, that she looks best
in blue.
" Young Lady Wanted immediately, to take
child of 3 to walk from 9.30 to eleven and
from two to G.ve."—Monii>ig Paper,
She must be in good condition, too, or
the infant will over-walk her.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAKIYAKL— OCTOBER 27.
HEROIC SERBIA.
OCTOBER 27. 1915.]
rrxcH, OR THE LONDON CIIAIMVAIM.
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
(K.\Ti:.M-i ! i> rBOM Tin-1. 1 >i M:Y OK TOIIV, M.I'.i
, of CoimiKiiiK, Tuesday, <>••
YMIi. -Of a hundred and twenty-one
mis on tlio Paper twenty-five
;ul,lrcs-c(l to PRIME MINISTER. Covered
various controversial points. Put down
ehielly liy his nominal supporters, tlie
l'ro\ lilrnees tliat sit below Gangway
;ind look after the higher welfare of
iln poor P.M. Seemed to promise
lively interlude. PREMIER would either
snub his esteemed but inquisitive fol-
lowers, or bo would make statements
on a succession of important problems.
The unexpected happened, as it not
infrequently does in House of Com-
mons. Of all men HENRY HERBERT is
on the sick list, he who as Premier
heats the record in length of time for
not having been absent a single day
from work owing to illness.
HANDEL BOOTH disconsolate. Ground
out mournful note of inquiry as to how
long PREMIER likely to be absent and
whether meanwhile MINISTER OF MUNI-
TIONS, man of leisure upon whose hands
time hangs heavily, might not under-
take to gratify patriotic curiosity of
Members below Gangway by replying
to miscellaneous inquiries.
SPEAKER did not know how long
LEADER OF HOUSE likely to be away
Could only hope "the time would be
very short."
General cheer expressed concurrenc
with this desire. Bad time just nov
for the captain to be off the bridge.
CARSON another absentee at Question
time. When Colonel Sir F. E. SMITH
having doffed his khaki, presented him
self to reply for ATTOBNEY-GENEHAL hi
was greeted by hilarious cheer. Beinj
inarticulate its precise meaning was lef
undefined. Understood to be " Ha 1 Ha
We know all about what has happenei
in the Cabinet during the last tei
days, and why CARSON, most amiable
unassertive of men, could stick it n
longer."
Questions disposed of, House got int
Committee on Budget Bill. As usua
real business thus entered upon serve
as signal for emptying of House. Ami
bustle of departure HERR GINNELL cam
to front with motion to exclude Ireland
from imposition of Tea Duty. Genially
announced intention to move analogous
amendment in respect of subsequent
clauses imposing for War purposes new
taxes or increase of duty.
Summed up situation in Ireland in
pregnant sentence. Most of the money
raised by these taxes imposed upon
Ireland was, he said, spent in England
on production of munitions of war.
Ar/jal, in absence of employment thus
brought about, young Irishmen were
compelled to onlist find li^ht for j
Englishmen who stayed at home and
vorked in the munition factories.
Facts not precisely accurate ; in ro-
pect of rules of logic argument faulty.
hit Commit tee frit that I limit (', i
ad more nearly hit nail on head than
" Where on earth is CABSOS ? "
Sir P. E. SMITH.
is his habit when he, not infrequently
takes hammer in hand.
Business done. — Budget Bill in Com
mittee. Procedure marked by incident
long unfamiliar, of divisions. No fewe
than three taken, minority numbering
in succession 20, 26 and 36.
Wednesday. — In accordance with im
memorial custom a Cabinet Minister
having resigned his connection will
"Here I ami"
Sir EDWABD CABSOX.
MJ; deairout of
explaining his motive, seat* hitiiHclf at
(iiini ..ately
Ix-hind that where his former oof-
' leagues sit. Tin" yean
\ ago, \\ 1 . 1 IKHTKH rot-
• by the untiring animosity of the
'iiiniilliU-s. Later in the same year
OIIN I'.iiK.ur resigned the important
i.ow In-Ill by tho AiiTi.vrii: N
TON, and from this corner neat ex-
lained inability to agree with hi*
solleagues in that British mu-iv
n Egyptian affaire which lias proved
an untold blessing to a tyrant-ridden
mpoverished race.
HOWARD GABOON, having resigned
\ttorney-Generalship and withdrawn
rom Cabinet, made to-day unique
•ecord. Returning to old quarters on
front Opposition Bench, he thence, like
1'ruthful James, " rose to explain."
A ready, practised speaker, he on
,liis solemn occasion did not trust him-
self to make a speech. He read a
paper. Essay composed in excellent
;aste. Not a word of argument or
criticism, much less of recrimination.
Paid personal tribute to unvarying
courtesy of PRIMB MINISTER. Would
not suggest that his views about
difficulties arising in Eastern theatre
of war might possibly bo compared
with those of men who have much
more experience and greater wisdom in
dealing with such situations. At same
time they were "very strongly hold,
conscientiously and patriotically."
In such circumstances he thought his
continuance in office would bo rather a
source of weakness than of strength.
Therefore he had withdrawn.
Outburst of applause that greeted his
rising was confined to political friends
on Opposition Benches. On resuming
his seat a general cheer paid tribute to
the excellent tone and temper of his
remarks.
Business done.— Sat up in Committee
on Budget Bill till a quarter past one
in the morning. The stage still un-
finished.
Thursday. — Fresh hue-and-cry after
the anonymous but immortal Censor
who has been severely sub-editing KII--
I.INC, and BROWNING. House particu-
larly anxious to know whether it be
possible that this century has produced
two such geniuses. Did one deal
with KIPLINO, whilst the other tackled
BROWNING ? Or was one mighty mind
equal to both triumphs? The HOME
SECRET ABY, alike cautious and agile,
would not commit himself on this point.
Eeally couldn't say; believed there
might be two of them.
Businessdane.— Postal and Telegraph
Rates Bill went through Committee,
was reported and read a third time.
354
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[OCTOBER 27, 1915.
Patient. "I GEI LUMBAGO AWFULLY BADLY, DOCTOR. Do YOU THINK YOU CAN DO ANYTHING FOR ME?"
Doctor. "WELL, I OUGHT TO KNOW BO.IIETHING ABOUT IT. I'VE BEEN A MABTYB TO IT ALL MY LIFE."
AT THE FRONT.
IF you should happen to get into
one of these wars and someone tells
you to take over a farm, don't you
have it without a character. You 've
got no idea how farms vary.
There is the Never-been-crumped
kind, and the Not-been-crumped-for-
months kind, and the May-be-crumpeds,
and Will-probably-be-crunipeds, and
the Sure-to-be-crunipeds. Jf on in-
quiry you find that the farm they are
trying to cajole you into belongs to
either of the last two classes, you will
do well to send on an advance party
with a ton of gun-cotton and then
report farm non-existent on arrival ;
or to apply for a transfer to the Volun-
tary Munition-Workers' Guild.
On the other hand you may enjoy
in the healthier types an epoch of
sylvan peace. Dead Spy Farm is in
the second class. Except tliat we
have to supply working parties of one
hundrcd-and-nfty nightly — which is a
difficult sort of trick to bring off with
a garrison of one hundred-and-three —
we are left undisturbed to the contem-
plation of autumn tints.
Whoever the deceased spy was, he
had some taste in farms. His moat is
an object lesson in how much duck-
weed you can get in without crowding
out all the water. Hound the moat
runs an avenue of trees in " Fall suit-
ings " that recall the glories of Addison's
Walk. The buildings themselves are
portly, circumstantial and four- square,
a-? all good farms are. There is a
garden — not all it used to be — a well,
and three cats, sole representatives of
the late tenant. The mushrooming and
ratting are satisfactory, and recent
bags include a moorhen and a foreign-
looking cat suspected of espionage.
The whole intact, except for three shell
holes and portions of window glass.
Talking about working parties, there
is a report that our battalion is to be
sent to some other country where there
is still good digging to be had. Here-
abouts digging resembles the ploughing
of some immemorial field ; one rather
wonders whether there is anything
about the original trenches in Dooms-
day Book or Magna Charta.
Take F. 107. We first know F. 107
as an unrevetted communication trench
with a sandbag floor. A brigade fatigue
traversed and footboarded it and called
it "King's Road." An R.E. party
d.opped in one night with firing-steps,
and altered the name to " King's
Castle." Three days later it rained
for ten minutes and the sides fell in,
and it was known as "The Marsh"
and officially disused, until one day a
very high sort of officer came round
the lines and said all disused trenches
in the system must be reclaimed.
This order was not popular, as it
would have entailed the prolonging of
the War to about 1977. However, we
began on " The Marsh " and laboured
bitterly sixteen nights with hurdles and
sandbags, and piles for the footboards,
and called it " Half-done Terrace," to
immortalise a sound beginning. The
immortalisation lasted a fortnight, when
a new official programme of the trenches
fixed it until further notice as F. 107.
Now we are fitting it with model dug-
outs. Of course the trench is not
occupied, but it may be some day, and
in the meantime it is bad for the troops
to be idle.
This affair of picks and shovels has
interested us as proving that the Angels
who retreated from Mons are not the
only incident in the War that defies
normal explanation. It happened that
on a certain Tuesday there came a
OCTOBER 27, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR TIIK LONDON CHMMVAIM.
Corporal (before entering the trenches}.
THE NECK THKOUOH FOOLISHLY EXPOSIN* OF
HORRORS OF WAR.
Now, «>OK 'EBB. ' I 'M BESPONSIBLE FOB THIS SECTIOS, AMD if ANY o» YKB am rt ra
'ISSELF — I'LL GIVE HIM WOT FOB."
wire to tho Company requesting an
immediate report to Headquarters of
all tools on the Company charge. We
reported. Later, on the same day, came
a second wire requesting a report of all
tools on Company charge. We re-
reported. On Wednesday morning
arrived a wire explaining that Refer-
ence No. 19 of Tuesday report was
not required after all. We were very
relieved to hear this. On Wednesday
afternoon we received a message re-
questing an immediate report to Head-
quarters of all tools on Company charge.
This time we were roused and had the
message repeated. They very kindly
repeated it. We re-re-reported. At
7 P.M. we received a wire cancelling
demand for report on tools. The Com-
pany Commander did not go sick,
however, until Thursday morning, when
a wire arrived : " Eeference No. 7 of
Wednesday : ^yhy have you not re-
ported?" .
Super -Patriots,
" A season of French plays was opened at the
Court Theatre last night hi tho presence of an
Anglo-English audience." — Morning Paper.
SIC TRANSIT.
"'Tis Greece, but living Greece no
more."
So sang her Poet, loving -well
That Hellas of the days of yore,
By whom the Persian despot fell,
Whose puissant sword at Marathon
Of its own prowess Freedom won.
He sang ; she woke — top fall'n in pride
To strive unaided— still she woke ;
And England, Eussia, France, allied,
Brake from her neck the Turkish
yoke:
At Navarino's glorious Bay
On Hellas dawned a second Day.
Lo, a new curse — the Teuton bane !
Again rings out the trumpet-call ;
France, Eussia, England, joined again,
For Freedom fight, for Greece, for all ;
And Greece— shall she that call ignore ?
Then is she living Greece no more 1
Commercial Modesty.
«' Steak and Kidney Pies. Our bread is
generally good also."
At!H. in " Cape Times.'
Another Impending1 Apology.
" At the Puluco Theatre of V»rieties, Mi«
had to complete her last song in
darkness, and two other items on the pro-
gramme had to be deleted. No one was hurt."
Guardian.
"NIGHT CLUBS.
Bm, INTRODUCED BY THK BOMB SBCBETABY."
Star.
We certainly think that one of Bill's
Less exalted pals would have sufficiently
served tho purpose.
From an auction advertisement : —
" Grand piano in rosewood case, fine 'cello
by Filius Antonii Fasiebat."— Surrey Comet.
" What may I say, gentlemen, for this
fine instrument by tbe celebrated maker,
Alonehedidit?"
Cherchez la Femme.
"A subaltern on active service, who was
stated in tho Divorce Court yesterday to have
joined the forces when tho war broke out on
his wife's suggestion . . ."— Jkforninj Paper.
And all this time we have been blaming
the KAISER.
356
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [OCTOBER 27, 1915.
AT THE PLAY.
" IBIS INTERVENES."
WITHOUT wishing to boast, I may
tears of genuine distress (it was Cum-
bers' one human weakness that he
could not stand a woman's tears) moved
him to sympathy. They exchanged
humour, but now and then a preten-
tious epigram showed that he had not
escaped the snare of young authors.
One of these days he may give us a
crnnf] phnrnrtpr nlnv of n, trnoi\ fnrp.A nr
with a hedge only three-and-a-half feet
high to screen me from my neighbour's
garden. Perhaps that is why I have
never been on reallv intimate terms
(such as would be encouraged by
this lack of privacy) with any Russian
lady who has done time for knifing
her husband and retreated to a
British suburb to give her reputa-
tion a rest. I am not therefore in
a position to say whether Iris Olga
Iranovna, as depicted by Mr. JOHN
HASTINGS TURNER, was true to type.
But if one who is no judge of
these exotics may hazard an opin-
ion she seemed to me to have her
farcical moments. And I could
well understand how her tempestu-
ous intrusion into the next-door
household, which contained, among
other strange things, a morbidly
impressionable youth, would con-
vulse Mr. Henry Cumbers, a
thorough-paced epicier, with a fixed
" standard " of morality and a par-
ticular horror of necks exposed to
the eye of day.
And indeed she was a bird of so
rare a plumage that she might
easily have astonished a man of
riper experience and more open
niind. For in addition to a ravish-
ing beauty, to whose seductive and
troublous quality she was never
tired of alluding, she claimed a
record of unsullied virtue ; and, if
you questioned it, she was on you
that, however narrow a man's preju-
dices, if he can inspire trust in his
fellows he has achieved something.
And she knew that she had never
inspired trust in the men that had
come under her spell. By her, in
turn, he was taught that the devotion
of his wife deserved a better reward
than the proprietary tyranny with
which ho repaid it.
And so all ended well. The document
was recovered; Cumbers, his night-out
explained, returned to a chastened
a good melodrama. Even this medley
of all three had many attractions.
It is most regrettable that his first
production should have collided with
the Zeppelin season. It was no fault
of his or of the players that the audience
was so small. For myself, I took com-
fort in the thought that the moon was
nearing her full circle; that Artemis,
in fact, as well as her sister Olympian,
Iris, was " intervening." O. S.
"TiiK CASE OP LADY CAMBER."
Lady Camber s case, though it
very nearly came to the Old Bailey,
in actual fact got no farther than
the nursing homo run by Harlei/
Napier, F.E.C.S., in Brook Street,
for titled people who had lost
weight (which made me wonder
where his surgical qualifications
came in ; had his patients needed
their weight reducing I should, of
course, have understood at once).
Now this Napier was a strenuous
fellow; he had a "life-work." In
addition to the fattening of the
leaner aristocracy by his novel
(surgical?) methods, he had con-
trived to solve a problem which has
engaged the attention of ambitious
experts all down the ages. He had
discovered halene, a poison with-
out taste, colour, odour or re-
action. Apparently all he did with
it was to give it the place of honour
in his poison cupboard for Mr.
Henry Cumbers (Mr. A. E. GEOIJGE) to Iris (Miss
Juke a tigress. Cumbers, for one, LENA ASHWELL). "Come, come, don't cry. Things VACHELL to hang his tale on. A
threw doubt upon her past, and might be worse. We 're well on into the Third Act, and friendly fellow too. I have invari-
the play is the story of his pun- haven't had any Zeppelins so far." ablv foulld medical men strangely
ishment. After her first fury, she was
content to stimulate the infatuation
of the weedy stripling, his son ; but
this was too easy fruit, and she turned
to a more difficult and noble revenge.
A certain precious document containing
the design of a new motor car had been
lodged, for reasons that carried no sort
of conviction, in the keeping of Cumbers.
On its safety depended his career
and the fulfilment of an ambition which
embraced a residence in Kensington —
no less. Over the dividing hedge, to
whose inadequacy I have referred, she
was witness of the theft of these papers
and set herself to recover them. The
breakdown of her pursuing car entailed
a night in the solo society of Cumbers
on the open Dover Eoad. Out of
this enforced intimacy a mutual under-
standing was born. "You never get
to know one another," said Iris, in one
of her rare lapses into probability, " till
something ridiculous happens." Her
appreciation of his wife's merits ; and
Iris married a fellow-countryman, who,
if he knew her too wTell to put a very
perfect trust in her, had biceps enough
to control her explosions at need.
Miss LENA ASHWELL played Iris with
a most contagious vivacity, and carried
off the preposterousness of everything
with a delightful assurance. Mr. A. E.
GEORGE, in the part of Cumbers, was
too bearish at first in the family circle ;
but his human qualities came out in the
end. Miss MAY WHITTY as his wife was
human all the time. Sound work was
done by Mr. HENBY DBAS, whose utter-
ances were stuffed with American slang
to the point of congestion ; by Miss
AUKIOL LEE, whoso appearance, much
too fleeting, gave distinction to the part
of a suburban lady a little above her
environment; and by Mr. OWEN BOUGH-
WOOD, Iris's betrothed, who was a model
reticent about the technique of their
craft, which cannot always have been
due to ignorance. But Napier was
always delighted to postpone any im-
portant weight-producing operation or
to leave a patient like Lady Camber in
the article of death to the attentions
of the obviously inadequate Sir Bed-
ford Shifter, F.B.C.P., in order to
explain the precise properties of his
entirely irrelevant invention halene, or
to prophesy with regard to his patients
exactly and in highly technical terms
what would happen if all went well.
When it didn't, with superb rosourca he
would hand his case to Shifter, who
would promptly lose it.
All of which would not have been
noteworthy if it had not been for Nurse
YorJce, who loved our too preoccupied
Napier besides helping him to manu-
facture halene and mismanage his cases ;
of restrained and confident muscularity, j and Lord Camber, a handsome and
Mr. TURNER has a promising gift of ! capricious villain who had once sug-
ITN'CH, OK THE LONDON CHAEIVAB
THE USES OF A ZEPPELIN.
SOCIAL BAIUIIEBS BROKEN DOWN.
gested to Esther Yorke a liaison as the
price of some service be had done her.
Why, after having the nerve to ask
this young lady of birth, breeding and
beauty to be his mistress, he should
thereafter have been so unworldlywise
as to make an impossible dancer his
wife no sort of adequate suggestion is
offered ; nor why, even after his wel-
come release from Lady Camber at the
hands of Shifter, Napier and Nurse
Yorke, he so decidedly refuses ever to
consider the question of marrying that
entirely attractive young lady, but
merely repeats his insulting sugges-
tion. A complex character, our Camber.
Napier is also complex. Not till he
suspects Esther Yorke of murder (this is
where halenc comes in; she keeps the
key of the poison cupboard) does he
begin to love her. The proof forth-
coming that Lady Camber's death is
due to entirely natural and professional
causes, Esther and Napier are united
and lialenc goes back to the shelf.
The play was admirably cast. You
could well believe Mr. H. B. IRVING
was a distinguished surgeon and poison
manufacturer; he is artist enough to
pl;iy no pranks with his challenging per-
sonality, and his reward is the smooth
and balanced performance of the whole
piece, without purple patches. Mr.
HOLMAN CLARK, as Sir Bedford, adroitly
suggested that lie could lose a patient
A VERY SOFT ANSWER.
Dr. Napier (Mr. H. B. IRVIXG). "You've
helped to kill tho patient, not to mcntio
my reputation ; you've failed we; you ro a
rotten bad nurse" What have you to say for
yourself 1 "
Estlier Yorke (Miss jEBSiEAYixTKR). '
think you 'ro simply splendid."
with a better grace than his friend.
Mr. BEN \VKDSTEB, as Lord Camber.
performed the always clever feat of
naking a strictly unreasonable part
appear plausible. A conscientiou
inished piece of playing. Miss .1 1
\YINTKII' s Estherxorke was well studied
and charmingly accomplished.
LKSI.IE STUAKT made a diflicult Lady
Camber possible and likeable. Clever
Miss POLUE KMKUY'S J'each, the
dresser, was a treasure of broad (but
not unsubtle) characterisation. If '.
KATE BISHOP wasn't at her clever best
I think that was Mr. VACHKI.L'S fault,
who had dealt hardly with the part.
But on the whole authors and pi
make an excellent case.
The God* and some Mortal*.
"Tho German authorities have resumed
traffic to Sassuitz, but instead of tho two
valuable steam ferries withdrawn on the 4
inst., two old steamers h»vo boon hired lor
Rods and the other for passengers."
Shetland
A very proper distinction.
"Every class of w« Britishcre h»vo our
peculiarities in forms of speech."
liriauby Dtnly
And this is a very good example.
358
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAR1VAIM.
[OTOKKK 27, 1915.
UNWRITTEN
LETTERS TO
No. XXIX.
THE KAISER.
(From the Ring of the. HELLENES.)
MY DEAR WILLIAM, — I think you are pressing me a little
too hard. You must remember what my situation is. The
mass of my people have no love whatever for your people
or for the Austrians. That may strike you as being both
strange and deplorable, for I know what your opinion is
of the mild virtues and superlative attractiveness of the
Germans, and how firmly you believe that all these virtues
and all this attractiveness, with ten thousand other glorious
and lovable qualities, are concentrated and embodied in
yourself. I have often noticed how angry it makes you to
be told that somebody doesn't like you, and your sister
SOPHIE has often warned me that in your presence I must
pretend to believe that you are universally beloved, not
merely on account of your splendour and power and wealth,
but rather and chiefly because of your own innate goodness
and geniality and benevolence. " If they won't like me,"
I have heard you say, " 1 shall certainly smash them ; and
if they keep on not liking me I shall only smash them
more and more." That is one way, certainly, of ensuring
your popularity, though I am not convinced that it is
always a very efficacious way. You tried it in Belgium,
and the only result, so far as I have been able to
judge, has been to make the Belgians detest you with a
hatred which it will take years to mitigate and centuries
to abolish. And, even when centuries shall have passed, I
can imagine how some Belgian of the future will point out
to a stranger the ruins and the graveyards which are the
country's monuments and will explain to him how they
were caused by an Emperor who had a passion for popu-
larity and chose this method of gratifying it.
Remember when I speak in this way I am not expressing
my own personal opinions so much as those of any detached
and impartial observer, and it is with him that you must
be angry rather than with me. For my own part, since I
married into your family I have tried to live a quiet life by
schooling myself to think of you as you think of yourself.
I cannot say it was an easy task, for, to tell you the
truth, you are, like caviare, something of an acquired taste,
and the palate must be educated to relish you. Whether
I have arrived at that perfect and enthusiastic liking which
you seem to demand I cannot say, but I know I have done
my best, and some gratitude is due to me.
But at present, as I say, you are pressing me a little too
hard. VENIZELOS — forgive me for mentioning his name —
was supported by a majority in the country and in the
Chamber. He was determined to act the part of an
honourable man and to regard also the honour and the
interest of his country by carrying out the provisions of our
treaty with Serbia. I intervened and dismissed him from
his post as Prime Minister, and appointed in his place a
man who would be willing to stand by with folded arms
while Serbia, the heroic but unfortunate, was crushed to
the earth by yourself and the false brigand of Bulgaria
whom you had suborned for your purpose. All this 1 have
done against the will of my people, not knowing from day
to day how long I might be able to hold them in hand,
since they are a gallant people and have a clear sense of
justice. Therefore you must not press me to go any
further, for a throne in these days is an unsteady structure
for those who would attempt to secure themselves in it by
imitating the autocratic methods of a German Kaiser and
War Lord. Be satisfied with the allies you have — with
FERDINAND the fox of the Balkans, and with Turkey the
ruthless assassin of the Armenian nation.
Your affectionate Brother-in-law, Tixo.
THE WOES OF A WOUNDED.
THE HAZARDS OP HOME.
THEY said, " You will not mind the Zeppelin
Who know so well the sound of iron shards ;
You will not blench when breakages begin
Who stood to battle with the SULTAN'S Guards."
But they were wrong. And when the guns went off,
And undeterred the sausages came on,
While gay civilians bustled out to scoff
And happy crowds occurred in Kensington,
I said, " For these intrepid citizens
It 's well enough to carry on like this ;
They view through habit's minimising lens
The menaced doom of their Metropolis ;
" But to an officer who only knows
The milder dangers of the Dardanelles,
It is too evident that foes are foes,
And these old bombs much worse than many shells.
" Shells are so sensible, for from afar,
Shi ill sibilants, they make their onset plain ;
You hop into a hole, and there you are
(And there, indeed, you probably remain) ;
" While here, it seems, with mute ungoverned sivfv|>-;
Rude bolts in 'buses bruise you unaware,
Or, at the least, unpulverised one creeps
Home to his house — to find it is not there.
" I liked the Turk's humane terrestrial bomb,
Which decent cricketers would catch with ease,
And hurtle it back witli cover-point's aplomb ;
I should not like to try it on with these.
" I am no coward ; but the days are done
When Kuglish soldiers perished in a square ;
And here I cannot even hurt the Hun ;
I think I should be happier elsewhere.
" And when it 's whispered that the gasbag brings
To many a mild unmilitary clod
A sudden zeal to join the strife of Kings —
The news is nice, but it is scarcely odd.
" Blessed, indeed, I deem the soldier's lot
In happier hazards tar across the foam ;
I doff my hat to those who seize it not,
The staunch dare-devil souls who stay at home."
The New "Treating" Order.
You must always " take the meal with the malt."
111 FIND THE WOMAN," followed by 'A PAIR OF KNJCKEKBOCKEBS,'
in which Mr. Arthur Bourchier will appear."
Manchester Emiiny Ncics.
And very nice he will look in them, we feel sure.
" The King of Bulgaria recently received a Green gentleman
named Themistoklis, -who handed his Majesty an autograph letter
from King Constantino. " — Kiiuilnin/h Krcninij News.
We understand that this is not the first interview of the
kind that FERDINAND has given in the course of his
negotiations with the Powers.
Immediate result of the meeting held in London to
advocate reprisals upon helpless German women : —
" Our artillery in the same region dispersed the enemies' working
parties."— Krrnuit/ .Yc//-.-.-.
OCTOBER 27,
1915.]
PUNCH,
OR
THE
LONDON
CHARIVARI.
869
u
AFTER THE DRIVE.
Tommy (used to targets, acting as loader to unsuccessful officer). " EXCUSE ME, Sin, BI-T HOW PO YOU KXOW WHE* TOP 'VE XADE
AS 'IT?'
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)
ALREADY Christmas is not far below the horizon, and those
of us who have the good fortune to be uncles will shortly
be reminded of the great problem of presents. It is safe to
suppose that the pictorial wrapper that covers The Book of
the Thin Red Line (LONGMANS) will attract many eyes.
The volume within it could hardly be bettered as a present
for a British boy. In his pleasant preface Sir HENRY
NEWBOLT explains that, although the stories of six great
soldiers which comprise the book are historically true, he
has " tried to tell them as adventures." No one certainly
need be afraid of dulness in these heart -stirring records,
which range from the exploits of ROBERT BLAKENEY,
gazetted ensign to the 28th when he was fifteen, to those
of STONEWALL JACKSON, concerning whom the chaplain's
prayer at the unveiling of his monument ended with the
tribute quoted here: "When in Thine inscrutable decree it
was ordained that the Confederacy should fail, it became
necessary for Thee to remove Thy servant, STONEWALL
JACKSON." Briefly, this is a book of real heroes, written
in precisely the way to appeal to the hero-worshippers for
whom it is intended. Not the least of its charms for lads
youn" and old will be the spirited illustrations in colour
and line by Mr. STANLEY L. WOOD. There is one picture
especially, of the charge of the Scots Greys at Waterloo
so full of the spirit of battle that I shall be astonished if
countless schoolrooms do not award it the thumb-mark of
highest popularity. A most timely book.
I suppose there can be few men more fitly placed for the
composition of a volume of entertaining gossip than Mr.
[JKSI.II: \\'AHD. Therefore it is only natural that his hook,
Forty Years of " Spy " (CHATTO AND WINIH'S) is as pleasant
a collection of cheery and amusing memories us any that
,his reminiscent age has provided. Fur forty yea
WARD lias been the observant chiel' in Kn«lish society,
taking notes of its prominent momliere— a chiel' not only
observant hut witty, as the stories in the present book go
to prove. It is a work of which criticiMn u quite
impossible. One can hut mention that it contains repro-
ductions of dozens of Mr. WARD'S most famous drawings,
with in many cases some apt and illuminating anecdote
about the subjects— victims, the author usually calls them.
As an instance of his own sly turn of humour, I
especiallv the comment that accompanies a singularly
pleasant" sketch of Miss CiimsT.utK.i, I'ANKIUIIST: " I did
not discuss the subject in which she was so absorbed lest
by adverse criticism I might disturb the charm of expres-
sion I found in her face." There surely sjxMks the perfect
gentle caricaturist. Elsewhere we find a wonderful store
of recollections about every kind of celehi it v -human, I
was going to say, and divine; certainly tin; Church is re-
markably well represented, Bishops in their shovel hats
being (in the words of \V. S. GILBERT, concerning whom,
by the way, there is that rarest tiling now, a quite new
story) plentiful as tabby cats. Clubs, colleges, and govern-
ments are equally reviewed, not to mention distinguished
foreigners and dramatists (there is a delightful tale of
CM VKLKS BROOKFIELU trying to persuade the editor of The
Lancet to publish a Christmas number)— in short, every
phase of social life has yielded material for this most witty
and welcome espionage.
360
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[OCTOBER 27, 1915.
As, being an American, lie would no doubt have put it
himself, you have got to hand it to Major Sidney Vandyke.
He certainly hit on one of the most ingenious dodges for
getting rid of a rival in love, and at the same time putting
himself ace-high (as he would also have expressed it) witii
the loved one, that I have ever encountered in fiction.
There was trouble between the United Stales and M -xic >.
American guns were at El Paso, Texas, their muzzles
pointing across the Eio Grande, ready for trouble if it
should come. The situation was tense and a single injudi-
cious act would precipitate war. In command of these
guns was Major Vandyke; under him his rival, C'ajrtitin
Hai/lexlon Mun-li. The Major sent the Captain an order
to fire the guns. No sooner was it done than he appeared,
raging; denied having ever given the order, and made a
spectacular dash across the river to soothe the Mexicans by
explaining that it was all a mistake. Major Vandyke was thus
a hero who had averted war. Captain Marcli was either
a knave or a fool who had nearly caused it. He was
dismissed the Service, and Lmli/
Diana O'Mallcy married the
Major. That is the kernel of
Secret History (METHUEN), the
new novel by C. N. and A. M.
WILLIAMSON, which starts with
imitation war in Mexico and
ends with real war in Belgium,
where Captain March, as Mon-
sieur Mars the airman, retrieves
his reputation. Told racily in
the first person by Lady Peggy
O'Malley, the very lovable half-
sister of the beautiful but
shallow Diana, it moves with
the dash and speed that one
expects in a WILLIAMSON story.
It is certainly one of the best,
if not the best, of the long list
of their collaborations. It dif-
fers from most of the others in
having no motor-car interest.
There was just one critical point
at which I could see the authors
wavering, when Pet/ay's party
started off for a motor trip to
California. It must have required resolution on their part
to keep themselves from abandoning the plot in favour
of a description of the tour, but they resisted it. The trip
takes place off the stage, and the story moves on without it.
It was bound to happen. I knew that with so many of
our male novelists producing vast volumes about the life,
the whole life, and nothing but the life of their heroes, we
should not have to wait much longer for a companion
feminine picture. Well, now Miss NETTA SYBETT has
done it, or perhaps I should more correctly say begun it,
since on the last page of The, Victorians ( FISHER UNWIN)
she hints darkly that " the story of -Ro.se Cottinghum
is to be continued in the near future." So far as the
present volume takes us, we get Hose through infancy and
schooldays — more than two hundred pages about them —
to the period of her first proposal and the publication of
her first book. It is all rather well done, with observation
and the kind of truth that one cannot help feeling springs
from personal experience. Especially is this the case
with the picture of Minerva House and its dominating
mistress, the "awe-inspiring little woman'' whose "efforts
had revolutionized th'- whole system of education for girls."
There seems a recognizable portrait here. Good too is the
Instructor (to novice practising the call to dinner). " You 'VE
GOT THE NOTES ALL RIGHT, AND YOUH TIME JSX'T BAD; BCT
YOU DON'T PUT THE BIGHT FEEIJXO INTO IT. THERE 's NO
NEED TO SUGGEST COMPULSION."
queer home of Helen, the friend with whom lloxe goes to
stay, and its artful and crafty mixture of Monuis wall-
papers, meetings for working men, sage-green gowns and
movements generally. I should explain that the date of
the story is given as thirty years ago; and from this I am
forced to believe that the designer of the attractive wrapper
of the volume has been somewhat led astray by the title.
We were undoubtedly "Victorians" thirty years ago, but
with all the vehemence of the middle-ageing I must protest
against the suggestion that we came within the era of
crinolines ami ringlets. However, let it pass. The book lias
its own charm and interest as a minute analysis of vumg
womanhood, and the author has built up in ]-foxe a
character sufficiently attractive for us to bear the prospect
of further revelations with equanimity.
No doubt it was because Mr. F. FRANKFORT MOORE
admired (as we all do) the wonderful and self-sacrificing
work performed since the War started by our amateur
nurses that he set out to write
a book that should commemo-
rate some of their difficulties
and triumphs. He may con-
ceivably have been influenced
by the consideration that as
everyone is more or less con-
cerned with nursing nowadays
there would be a safe welcome
for a volume about it. So far
excellent. But 1 am sorry that
he decided to produce it in the
form of fiction. Because my
honest impression of The,
IloiiKinee of a lied Croxx Hos-
pital (Hl'TCHINSON) is that,
while the hospital part is in-
teresting enough, the romance
is boresome to a degree. As a
story also it contains certain
features that, to say the least,
leave me unconvinced. The first
of these is the attitude of the
hem. who, having been told by
two doctors that he had an
enlarged heart, let concealment
of this blameless fact prey on his damask cheek because
he "shrank from the stigma of rejection through being
medically unfit"; and then was furious with all the other
characters for the excusable suspicion that he was shirking.
Frankly, I find myself as little able to admire as to believe
in him. Naturally, however, the laws of fiction require
that he shall eventually perform prodigies of valour.
Indeed the Eed Cross Hospital is founded to his memory,
after he has been supposed to have perished in rescuing
people from a shipwreck. As a matter of fact he hadn't
perished at all; but that is another story. My second
charge of incredibility against Mr. MOOHK is based on
the fact that he makes an educated woman of to-day
suppose the "theatre" of a hospital to be a building for the
production of plays. Name, please !
Diner de ijiterre means f/iterc da diner ; or, in English,
warfare means war-fare.
"To (iKNTi.KMEN. — Advertiser (refined) desires acquaintance \\ith
motor car."- \Vextern Mnniun/ .Yr»vi.
We could introduce him to a KOLLS-ROYCK, in slightly
reduced circumstances, yet quite affable ; but he might
prefer something humbler and more chatty.
IMM II. 01! TIIK LONDON CHAKIVARI.
CHARIVARIA.
As ;i counter move to our offer to
•6 of I lie Island i.f Cyprus, Ger-
many is understood to Imvo offered her
tin- Island of Great Britain.
l)i//!:/ Chronicle suggests that
UK- iic\\ recruits should he called
IVrhys, to distinguish them, we sup-
pose, 'from the oilier Darby* who, with
their Joans'
Volunteer-,.
consent, have joined the
Herr B.u.i.is, who was recently in-
formed hy the KAISKH that German
merchant shipping could continue in
the future to count upon " my especial
interest and my Imperial protection,"
would have preferred a phrase contain-
in" more U's and fewer
I'- s- * *
:>
" Greetings to ex-Presi-
I. lit ROOSEVELT, who is
sixty-seven to-day," said
an evening paper last
Wednesday. How rapidly
the War ages some people !
Last year Mr. ROOSEVELT
was only iifty-six.
* *
Mr. WALTEU LONG says
that when he reads carp-
ing criticisms upon the
conduct of the War he
looks through his window
at the people in the street
and is always surprised to
see the quiet steadfast
manner in which they are
going about their business.
It is a good plan, but not
always successful. The
giving its . . is endeavoum
cr sin- proposal i
ated from thir-.; : par MIM>.'
husbands.
The popular novelist who in conse-
quence of over-indulgence in golf has
had to have one of his ribs r<
•rting himself with tin-
that his literary style may thereby In-
improved. Every Sunday-school hoy
knows of a case where an operation of
this kind was immediately followed by
a striking development of the feminine
interest. ^ ^
*
Under the new lighting regulations
the local authorities in Kent have
decreed that at night-time perambula-
tors must carry rear-lights. It was
..•hid to see that t
C
Fleet i* I
.18 lately b«u
* *
•u is a pendant to our r.
of the polite sergeant :- '
ust landed in our ov
without bursting. Two minutes later a
corporal with the offending shell under
his arm presented himself to the
Artillery Forward Observing Officer:
rip, Sir. With the Sergeant's
_-ht you might
like to fire it over again."
* c
Moved by a statement in a Foreign
Office report that there has been a large
Italy, a
increase in the export of eggs from
>ndent suggests a motto
ror Italian hens : —
I will lay o» (or TWultun.
And lay'thon on (or ROOM I
* *
*
In order to obtain copper
for war purposes the muni-
cipality of Kiel has ordered
that local cable tram-line*
in the less busy parts of
the city shall be broken
: up. The inhabitants have
suggested that there
several apparently useleM
warships in the immediate
(neighbourhood which
would supply a larger
amount of metal with
less inconvenience to the
public.
Conscietite-slricktn Little Slacker. " IT ONLY WANTS THRU TO START
BECBUITIN' FOB THE POLICE FORCE TO DKIVE ME TO DO SOMETHIS
DESPERATE ! "
The author who adver-
tises that he will be
pleased to supply three
KAISER got
his view of the Irish people through a
Casement, and it was entirely erroneous.
Giving evidence about a dog, a
witness at West Ham said, " He goes
behind children, bites their legs, and
walks on : no noise, no nothing." These
West Ham youngsters must be in-
cluded among our silent heroes.
:;: *
It is feared that the "No treating "
regulation may lead to an increase of
wife -heating among persons of an
economical turn of mind, for, as one
Scotch labourer said to another, " If I
treat my wife I 'm fined £100, but if I
ill-treat her I get off for 5s."
•'.: *
Tt is stated that representatives of
working-men's clubs are discussing
with the Board of Liquor Control a
proposal that members' wives should
be made honorary members in order
that they may be able to pay for their
own refreshments. The Board, before
thought at first that hooters would also; copies of his new novel, together will
be necessary, but it has now been j 500 cigarettes, to any Service hospital
decided that sufficient warning will be
given if, when a collision is imminent,
the nurse pinches the baby.
The number of Censors employed at
the Press Bureau being exactly forty,
and their minute knowledge of English
literature having been displayed on
several occasions, Sir JOHN SIMON is t
contemplating their incorporation a*.] "When ho was we
«.n Academv.' They will be known as sixtieth year, I have M
that applies for them, is surprised at the
number of secretaries who have written
to ask whether it is absolutely neces-
sary to accept the offer en bloc. He
had no idea there were so many non-
smokers in the Army.
* *
In an appreciation .
occasons, Sir JOHN SIMON is , Sir ARTHUR COSAN DOYLK m i
on towar
an \cademy. They will be known as sixtieth year, ave seen bun standing
The Immortals— for the duration of up to LOCKWOOD when man after man
the War/-
In the debate on the War-profits
Tin's
other
batsmen.' What could they do while
was helpless at the other wicket.
* 11 *
is perhaps hardly just to
tax Mr Me KKNN.Y said that " nobody ,» the old man" had the bowling? Or
would propose a tax of this kind as a | are we to infer that, coi
permanent part of our fiscal system." laws,_LocKwooD was bowl
We hope this may-
taken as an ends?
indication that in the opinion of the
, nment the War is not going on
for ever.
"Lady pinuirg a flag on »n Auntraliau b«ck
from the front."— Morning Taftr.
V i ft sounds difficult as well as painful.
A clerical correspondent writes that but presumably she used a hat-pin.
862
rrxcn, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[NOVEMBER 3, 1915.
HOW TO REVIEW WAR POETRY.
(With acknowledgments to " ' Tlie Times ' Literary
Supplement.")
THERE are abundant reasons, obvious enough to the
critical faculty, why very little of the verse occasioned by
the War is likely to survive. In the first place, poetry for
its production demands a state of mind removed from all
immediate pressure and excitement. This accounts for the
failure of TYRTJEUS, of all the poets of the great Elizabethan
age of adventure, of EOUGET DE LISLE, who wrote the Mar-
seillaise. Just now it is almost impossible to enjoy that
perfect calm, that indifference to one's environment, which
is the very breath of all great poetry. The noblest of all
lines ever written about Victory — the concluding lines of
MILTON'S Samson Agonistes — were composed some time
after the tragic death of the veteran anti-Philistine.
It is the same with the passion of Love, which bears a
close resemblance to War, all things being fair in each.
Poetry, as WOKDSWORTH said, is emotion remembered in
tranquillity. If the expression of the sentiments uttered
under stress of immediate emotion in MICHAEL DRAYTON'S
passionate sonnet—
" Since there 's no help, come let us kiss and part — "
had been postponed to a period of subsequent tran-
quillity, he would have made a much better job of it. And
so, when Peace returns, as we hope it may some day, we
shall look for a revival of pure song. The Palace of the
Hague should be a veritable aviary.
Another source of weakness in our War poetry lies in the
fact that the poet does not speak from his own heart (" By
thine own tears thy song must tears beget "), but as the
accredited mouthpiece of the nation. The War may or
may not have touched him personally — we will generously
admit that we have known cases, even among poets, of
personal grief and personal patriotism induced by the
War — but as a general rule the writer has beet, weighed
down by a sense of responsibility to the State, of the claim
made upon him to speak for England. WORDSWORTH was
suffering from the same unfortunate obsession when he
wrote —
" Milton ! thou shouldst be living at this hour ;
England hath need of thee ! ' '
Egotism, which is the essence of true poetry, should never
msrged in the choric "we," sacred to editors and crowned
heads. What poet ever wrote in the first person plural ?
One has not forgotten MATTHEW ARNOLD'S lines : —
" We, in some unknown Power's employ,
Move on a rigorous line ;
Can neither, when we will, enjoy,
Nor, when we will, resign " ;
but one cannot recall any other authoritative case of this
assumption of plurality by a recognised English poet.
Again, how can a poet write about things he has not
seen, even if by an effort of will he persuades himself that
he has felt them ? Sincerity is only possible when it is
the outcome of experience. It is no good for a thing just
to happen ; it must happen to the poet himself. When
WALT WHITMAN wrote that most moving of all Wai-
poems, his dirge for two veterans —
" 0 strong dead-march, you please me.
0 moon immense, with your silvery face, you soothe me " —
he must with his own ears have heard the actual music ;
he must with his own eyes have seen the moon in question.
But how many of our War poems have been written at
the Front ? If SHAKSPEARE had boon in a position to assist
at the Battle of Agincourt, he might have written more
worthily of St. Crispin's Day. As it was he had to fall
back upon his imagination, that last resort of insincerity.
It should further be remarked that the fact that every-
body is thinking the same thing at the same time constitutes
a fatal difficulty for our War-Laureates. If an obscure
friend of the poet dies peacefully of a zymotic disease, the
theme may well furnish him with a genuine inspiration;
but if a distinguished General falls gloriously on the field
of honour, or some national hero is borne to his last resting-
place in St. Paul's or the Abbey, any memorial tribute that
the poet may write is bound to be insincere because it.
gives form to a sense of loss that is universal. That, of
course, was the trouble with TENNYSON'S " Ode on the
Death of Wellington."
Finally, we would say to our poets: Do not yield to the
very natural temptation to give expression to those emotions
of the common heart that cry for articulate utterance.
Just write from yourselves and to yourselves. Distinguish
between singing because you must, and going out of your
way to find something to sing about. Do not go out of
your way just because the War is there. Do not change
in a world of change. Keep on steadfastly in the old way,
like the Racing News in another column. For so, how-
ever long we others may have to wait for Peace, you will
know even now the true peace that can only bo found in
artistic detachment. O. S.
PAMBI.
(An Oriental Huaport.)
Now all you gay young fellows, who fight so bold and free
And grouse at things in the trenches, hark to a Man of the
Sea;
" R.N.R." comes after my name, and what do you think
I do?
Port Officer of Pambi, with fever from ten to two.
A million miles of red-hot sand and a hundred yards of
slime,
And mosquitoss as thick as the German guns getting you
every time,
That is the country of Pambi, and never a soul to see,
And I 'm the sanctified Officer, with fever from nine till
three.
Port? Well, maybe there used to b3, but there's nothing
but silt to-day,
^nd once in a year a boat comes by in a hurry to clear away ;
^\nd the Captains all cry, " Strike me deid, is this
character still alive —
Port Officer of Pambi, with fever from eight till five ? "
It has its points, for I never shave and I need no clothes or
boots ;
I worry along by the grace of God and the blessing of
cheap cheroots ;
But, if you fellows are fed with your job and want an
exchange — all right !
Here is the Port of Pambi and fever from morn till night.
You get the glory, and so you should, for it 's you who
carry the brunt,
But there's many a man in Pambi who'll never get near
the Front,
And so, when you 're feeling a bit depressed, please open
your mouths and sing,
"Flanders is bad, but Pambi 's worse," and so — God save
the KING !
"As the Italian humourist remarked of another story: 'Si inon
e Verdi, e bene Trovatore ! ' " — Evening Paper.
Eh, mon ! Yer Italian sounds varra Scotch !
_, PUNCH, OH Till! LONDON CII \KIV.\R[._NOVEMBEH 3. 1915.
ON THE TRACKER'S TRACK.
PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL
'Br JOVE ! ISN'T IT ixw? I BELIEVE I cocu> HIT IT WITH MY OCH! "
'OH, PLEASE, DEAB, DOS'! DO ANYTHIXO TO IIUUTATE III"
THE EMPTY SLEEVE.
EVERYTHING would liave passed ofl
admirably but for his lack of savoir
faire. Some excuse, perhaps, ought
to be made for him. It is not every-
body who is capable of rising to a
great occasion or one that furnishes
a severe test of good-breeding. Still
he has nothing of the parvenu in his
character, and indeed his pedigree is
long and flawless, so that it was the
more surprising that he should fail at
the pinch.
He must have known from the first
that there was something unusual in
the air. The laughter at the breakfast-
table may have put him on the alert,
signifying that the strain of the last
few dreary months was relaxed. He
had been irritatingly restless the whole
morning, following one or the other of
us about, upstairs and down, in and
out of the garden, as if he felt afraid
of being left out in the cold. When
anybody opened the front-door an hour
too soon and went down the steps to
look along the road, Nigger was always
beforehand, wagging his tail and gazing
up with an alert, perplexed, pathetic
expression of inquiry; and when the
critical moment actually at last drew
near and we were all collected in the
hall he tried obtrusively to force his
way between us to the front. When
we heard a hooter at the corner and
the taxicab came into view with his
master's face at the window, he ran to
meet it, barking recklessly by the side
of the wheels till it stopped ; but then
his voice died suddenly away. He
was obviously uneasy in his mind,
although for the next few minutes,
until we were all assembled in the
dining-room, it was impossible for him
to get a look in. When his turn at
last came and he was put to the proof
lie dismally failed to rise to the occasion.
As for the rest of us, we tried to take
t as a matter of course and should
aave succeeded if it had not been for
Nigger's complete want of tact. We
shouted and laughed and shook the
old fellow's left hand as if he had never
,iad another to shake ; we pushed the
easy-chair .towards him and kept on
saying how delighted we were to have
lim home again without a word of
uitigation, asking innumerable ques-
tions without waiting for answers, for
really the only thing that mattered at
the moment was before our eyes, and
although it was different as far as
appearances went from what it used
to oe — well, there it was nevertheless.
That was where Nigger proved sucli
a miserable disappointment. Hi- alone
seemed unable to accept the situation.
We talked more persistently than ever
as he rested his fore-paws on the arm
of the chair, snifling suspiciously ;
then in the most tactless manner he
gave vent to a prodigious sigh as
lie laid the side of his black head on
the empty sleeve.
TO A PATROLLING BALLOON.
0 MIGHTY globe ! O gas-filled shape !
That swayed so lightly in mid-air,
1 gazed on you with mouth agape,
Wondering what perils man will dare.
Nor recked of mine till someone's hand
So lavishly, as you sped South,
Dropped overboard that surplus sand
Into my patriotic mouth.
Compulsory Liquidation?
" An angry melting of shareholders in
Ltd. has been held."— Adelaide Paper.
3GG
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[NOVEMBER 3, 1915.
FLYING COLOURS.
IT was Red Cross Day, and as I was
preparing to go to the City Joan caino
into the hall with Rip.
Rip is a new acquisition. He had
" Now lie has to bark a ' Thank you,' fully negotiated a sale with a tall stout
hasn't he, and offer me the right paw gcnl Ionian, \vas anxiously watching the
of good-fellowship?
A sharp bark sounded as I spoke,
and a paw was timidly lifted for mo
to grasp. I took it. We made
formerly been our doctor's property, pretty, though not original, picture —
but his wife had declared that she ' the intelligent well-trained bound and
wouldn't have a large dog in the same . the stern yet kindly-looking man. The
house with the small baby that had coloured Christmas Supplements have
just joined the home circle, and the made fortunes out of it. "Oh, you
doctor, after much anxious thought, di'nrl" Joan exclaimed, clapping her
had decided to keep the small baby hands.
and get rid of the large dog. There-; "Not at all," I said, wiping my
upon we offered a refined home, full hand on my trouser-leg.
hoard, freedom of the hearth-rug, and
occasional use of rat in tool-shed, with
the result that, a few
weeks ago, Rip came to
us with a completely new
outfit (collar with our ad-
dress engraved upon it —
the doctor's parting gift),
and is now one of the
family. For the past week
he bad been rigidly trained
every day with a view to
assisting the Red Cross
funds.
" I want Rip to have a
rehearsal," Joan said, " to
see if he kno%vs his part.
Now try and look as
much like a stranger as
possible, and then advance
and buy a flag."
I walked to the hall
door, while Joan, with Rip
at her side, stood at the
threshold of the breakfast-
rooin. Assuming what
STEVENSON (I think) calls
"a glad morning face," I
strolled up.
" Will you buy a flag,
Sir?" said Joan, stepping
forward.
" With pleasure," I re-
plied. " How much ? "
" As much as you like to give." (The
above dialogue is taken from life.)
" Will five shillings "
" Oh, how splendid ! "
" Then lend it me, will you ? " I re-
marked. " I 've left all my money on
my dressing-table. Ever since you
gave me that trouser-press on my last
birthday I've "
" Oh, you mustn't talk like that ! "
cried Joan in dismay. " Remember
you 're a stranger."
" That doesn't ease the financial
pressure a bit," I said as I ran upstairs.
And a minute later I had discharged
my liability by placing two half-crowns
" I meant the dog," observed Joan.
1 He knows his part perfectly. I
I'nder the new regulation it is an offence to serve intoxicating drink
to any person who is being " treated," unless he is also being " treated " to
a meal. It is not always easy to tell when a " treat " is taking place.
But the Non-Treating Regulation Patent Clip, holding one meal within
the meaning of the Act, to be attached to all tumblers and glasses, makes
the publican feel perfectly safe. We also supply Regulation Meals in neat
packages, extra serviceable, sterilised and practically everlasting, if dusted
from time to time.— Advt. TJie Publicans' Frifndly Idea Society.
in the box which huiij
neck, while Joan took a
pincushion which she
saddlewise to his back.
round Rip's
flag from the
had fastened
hope it won't rain. People won't want
to shake hands with him if his paws
are wet and muddy."
" Well, tsike my old gloves," I sug-
thern
Good
gested. " Patrons can put them on for
the ceremony and then hand them
back. Heavens ! I must rt
luck ! "
" Don't forget you 're coining home
to lunch," called out Joan as I reached
the gate, " and you are to fetch me
from my pitch outside our bank."
"Which bank?" I inquired loftily.
(We have a small sum iu the custody
of the POSTMASTER-GENERAL).
" The one where our account is
always overdrawn," Joan cried back.
It was on the stroke of one that I
reached the bank. " How have vou got
on '.' " I asked, as Joan, having success-
united efforts of her customer and our
faithful and highly-trained dog to
bridge the gap of physical disability
that parted them, and seal the bargain
in the prescribed manner. " Splen-
didly!" she replied. " I 've just emptied
my box for the third time. One sove-
reign, three half-sovereigns, and any
amount of silver. Poor old Rip's neck
must ache dreadfully. I wish everyone
did as that stout man did. He put in
a five-pound note ; and, just before, a
nice old lady and her daughter put in
two one-pounders. . . . Hallo ! Here
comes the doctor. He mn.it buy a flag
from Rip. There, he 's
gone past !"
The doctor, obviously
in a hurry, had whix/ed
by .in his car and was
already up a side-turning.
And so too was Rip. The
sight of his old master was
too much for him. With
a yelp of joy he was off
like an arrow, and the air
round us simply rained
little red-and-white flags.
In response to Joan's pite-
ous appeal I started in
pursuit of our richly-
endowed dog, but I was
hopelessly outclassed from
the very start. No sign
of car or dog could I see
when I reached the corner,
and I dejectedly retraced
iny steps. For a quarter
of an hour we waited in
melancholy silence. Then
Rip reappeared. His col-
lecting - box had fallen
off, and the flagless
pincushion had slipped
round under his tummy.
" It 's all my fault, Rip,"
Joan said; "I ought to have provided
against such a contingency. But our
duty is clear," she added, turning to
me. I looked into her face and read
there what was already in my own
mind. Then together we entered the
bank and increased our overdraft by
seven pounds.
" The war has seriously affected this traffic;
and hotel keepers in some of our Irish resorts
were almost threatened with distinction."
Dublin Krrn'uiii Mini.
From our recollection of Irish hotels
\ve fancy most of them would escape.
"Even if the Germans should be able to
rush as far as Constantinople, they \\ill alway
shave to maintain two fronts."
Glasgow Evening Times.
That is one of the drawbacks of being
double-faced.
NOVEMIIEK :i, 1915.]
PUNCH, nil TIIK l.nMXiN cil.\i;i\ AIM.
STUDIES IN NERVES (NOVEMBER 5).
BEFOBE THE WAR.
Now.
A LOST LUXURY.
WHERE are they gone, the old familiar
writers
Whose lucubrations once adorned
the Press,
Voluminous, industrious inditers
Of serious letters upon cheese or
chess,
On cabbages or kings, on mice or
mitres,
Phonetic spelling or reforms in
dress —
Some eminent for their extreme ur-
banity,
And others for their exquisite inanity ?
I mean not those who to their screeds
appended
An alias expressive of their mood,
According as they were displeased,
offended,
Or moved and prompted by solici-
tude
That some abuse should be at once
amended,
Some policy should promptly be ex-
humed ;
For still we labour underneath the yoke
Of these indignant, curious, anxious
folk.
No, I refer to those alert quill-drivers
Who underneath no bushel hid
their light-
Chose conscientious and persistent
strivers
Who loved to set the peccant public
right,
And, to the bottom of truth's well like
divers,
Were always plunging, always full
of fight,
And utterly regardless of the jibes
Of irresponsible or ribald scribes.
But now from Early, Late, or War
Edition
Their once familiar signatures are
gone;
No longer they fulfil their blameless
mission
Of argufying on and on and on ;
Vanished is KIPLING COMMON'S erudi-
tion,
And hushed the priceless voice of
ALGERNON
ASHTON, who left on all he touched the
trace
Of his sepulchral and funereal grace.
Only one lingers yet. whose mind
capacious
Pours out a flood of miscellaneous
lore,
The sole survivor of the group sagaci-
ous
Who cheered us in the days before
the War,
For single-handed, like the good HOBA-
TIUS
Who kept the bridge in the brave
days of yore,
reat LOWTHF.K BKIDGER, aptly named,
continues
To brace and stimulate our mental
sinews.
Long may his style, excelling in
> i,
Fulfil our souls with delicate delight :
Long may his wit, a psychic Angostura,
Correct our literary appetite ;
Long may he live to combat ntra CHMI
And put that melancholy fiend to
Bint,
Himself serene, indomitably Hand,
The last and wcirdlii-st-nained of all
his band.
Commercial Generosity.
" \ new journal. Quotums, ha» been «»t*b-
lished. It is a threepenny monthly periodic
f.ir Belgians in England. Belgians in LotcJ
worth who will mention TIIK CITUKX may
have the journal (or three months for a shil-
ling."— The Citiun (Lttthu-orth).
-SCOTCH NANNY in milk, two pints, Uwn
and white, £3 10s."— Letd* Mercury.
No, we are not taking any. It is too
expensive; besides we dont bke
I brindled milk.
368
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[NOVEMBER 3, 1915.
THE BATTLE OF THE ELBE.
[" A Lloyd's telegram states that the British
steamer* Auk. Iris, and City of Berlin, which
were detained at Hamburg 'at the outbreak of
the war, have been sunk by the. enemy."]
" I 'VE maintained now for some
lime," said Jack to Cheeks, the Marine,
"that the German Navy is threatened
with a certain liveliness."
" I 'm fair sick of your rumours,"
said Cheeks.
" This ain't a rumour, Checks. We 've
got reality at last. There 's been a big
engagement."
" Suppressed by the Censor, I sup-
pose," sneered Cheeks.
" Not at all. The bare details have
been published. Now I 'm going to
give you the story in full.
" You know what a lot of changes
there's been lately in the High Canal
Staff. Well, Cheeks, those changes
ain't been in vain. The new blood has
done what the old blood simply never
thought of. But, to give credit where
credit is due, a thing most marines
don't understand, it was Herr BALLIN
who had the big idea first.
" He was chattin' one day with VON
WIEGAND, the well-known journalist,
otherwise famous as a nootral, and VON
WIEGAND starts tellin' Herr BALLIN
what a great man he is. They were
sittin' on the banks of the Elbe, sighing
for a capful of wind, like all good
sailors, and thinkin' of names for the
units of Germany's new merchant fleet."
"You ain't 'alf got a comic imagina-
tion," said Cheeks.
" P'raps so, but I 've been proved
right often. Well, VON WIEGAND was a
bit sad. He 'd just come off the Moltke,
which recently had a nasty attack of
torpeditis in the jaws, and hummin' in
his head was the German sailor's con-
stant refrain, ' When will the British
Fleet come out ? ' He points out to
Herr BALLIN that the despondency in
the German Fleet is something awful.
What with worrying over the enemy
when he don't come out, and what with
chafing with anxiety over him when he
does, the German sailor, Cheeks, is a
mere shadow.
"Just at that moment Herr BALLIN
sits up. He 's all a-shiver with excite-
ment. ' What 's that I see before me?'
he asks in a husky voice, like Petty
Officer Lloyd's when we done Hamlet
last Christinas. VON WIEGAND couldn't
see nothing, and he feels for his beer
ticket. But Herr BALLIN don't give
in. 'I'm right,' he says, 'I'm not
dreamin'. It 's the British Fleet ! '
" When they found the hole which
VON WIEGAXD had chosen for his
reverie, Herr BALLIN had got it schemed
all out ; and it 's him, Cheeks, that
gets the prize this month for a comic
imagination.
" You see, lyin' in the Elbe off Ham-
burg was three British steamers, what
had the bad luck to bo in dock there
when the War broke out. There was
the .1 itk, the Iris and the City of Berlin.
For the last one I have some sympathy,
Cheeks. She was handicapped at her
christening. Well, it was a matter of
a few days only, Cheeks, fixin' up those
poor steamers with canvas and wooden
guns and givin" them the look of the
most ferocious British cruisers. They
painted new names on 'em too, callin'
them the Lion, the Tiger and the — and
the Ring-tailed Hanunculus. Anythin'
more desp'rate than those ships had
never been seen near Hamburg, not
since HAGENBECK set up his institution
for the great Herbivores. All right,
Cheeks. You can read the book if you
like. Perkins pinched it out of the
Warrant Officers' mess.
" At last the great day arrived. The
German Fleet was brought round the
corner, and many scenes of light-
hearted joy was witnessed. Some said
' At last ! ' and them that didn't said
' Der Tag,' and a few butted in with
' Deutschland Ueber Alles ! ' Stokers
shook hands with each other and a few
popular fellers were even thrown in the
furnaces.
" Well, Cheeks, the action started at
9.47. A.M., the first gun being fired by
the Limbtirg, in case you didn't know
there was a ship with a name like that.
The KAISER and VON WIEGAND was
on board, the former gentleman grittin'
his teeth and the latter inakin" notes
besides grittin' his teeth.
"The German Admiral — maybe VON
BEHNCKE, but I ain't seen the Gazette
lately — begs the KAISER to go below,
but he says simply, ' My place is beside
my brave sailors.' VON WIEGAND was
quite as brave. When they impressed
upon him the danger he just smiled
contemptuously.
" Well, after half an hour the first
hit was made. Who done it nobody
knows. Perhaps it was the Ponnnern,
so called because old TIRPITZ ain't
above bavin' a mark or two on ' Solly
Joel's Selected,' war or no war. Some
holds that it was the Moltke, but you
couldn't say because they was all dash-
in' about so much and firin' 011 the
cigar or cocoanut system.
" Well, Cheeks, the fight was awful,
and the German darin' what the papers
call a by-word. Old sailors said there
i had been nuthin' like it since the bom-
bardment of Scarborough. The noise
of the guns was frightful and the smell
of the firin' was just like gunpowder.
" At 12.29 P.M. the Auk went down,
and the KAISEB sent up a signal to the
masthead, ' What price Britannia rules
,he waves? ' '
" Stow it," growled Cheeks.
"Then, Cheeks, you disbelievin'
Thomas, the cheerin' broke out just as
it did at Trafalgar and La Hogue and
other German naval victories. But
suddenly the KAISER became grave.
There was stern work yet ahead. ' Let
the guns speak,' he said, and vox
WIEGAND put it down.
" Well, the Citij of Berlin went next,
torpedoed by a submarine what crept
recklessly in under her port quarter.
The Iris stuck out to the last, and
some of the German Fleet piped off for
lunch simply because they were sick of
the sight of her. Somehow she
wouldn't sink, although she lay bottom
upwards with the German Fleet all
round her. And if it hadn't been for
the happy thought of an Admiral, who
had her pushed down with a boathook,
I believe she 'd be a danger to naviga-
tion now, Cheeks.
" That 's the whole of the story. Yes,
want a moral ? Well, I reckon we 're
lucky to have nothing worse to grouse
about than WINSTON CHURCHILL."
PUNCH'S WAE CARTOONS.
In drawing the attention of our
readers in our issue of September 1st,
1915, to the Edition de Luxe Punch
Cartoons, we inadvertently made use
of the word " WHATMAN " to describe
the boards on which the Cartoons
were mounted. We are informed that
this description was not accurate, and
that the name " WHATMAN " is the
registered property of Messrs. W. & G.
BALSTON, Limited, to whom we tender
an expression of our regret.
Commercial Candour.
"You should not miss a visit to the lee
Cream Soda Fountain. A splendid variety of
hot drinks is always obtainable here at very
reasonable prices."
"An attractive, detached Gentleman's Cot-
tage Residence. To Let, Furnished."
Attractive, yet detached? We fear *
must have thrown him over.
Cricket in Roman Britain.
From The Westminster Ga.-ctt
memoir of W. G. GRACE : —
"In the 'sixties it was no unusual thing to
have two or three shooters in an over; now-
adavs you scarcely get one shooter in a
At this time the" Marylebonc ground was in
a very unsatisfactory condition — so unsatis-
factory that in 164 Sussex refused to play al
Lord's owing to the roughness of the ground.*1
We understand that the St. Andrew's
Committee have lodged a protest
against this statement in the interest"
of the Royal and Ancient Game.
NOVKMHKR 3, [915.]
'
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON c||.\i;iV.\i;i.
,
FEEDING TIME.
Jock (accustomed to the formula of Orderly Officers).
'ANY COMPLAINTS?"
BALKAN INTELLIGENCE.
(Hoiv we are enlightened on the situ-
ation in the Near East. Any Day's
News. Any Daily Paper.)
Amsterdam.
THE Salonika Correspondent of the
Tijd telegraphs that important develop-
ments are expected ere long.
Bukarest, via Athens and
Lucerne.
A long interview took place yesterday
between M. Butteriano, Leader of the
Conservative Democratic Party, and
M. Margariano, Leader of the Reac-
tionary Radical Party. It is thought
that the interview may have an im-
portant bearing on Roumania's future
action ; or, on the other hand, that it
may not.
From the "Petit Parisien's" Corre-
spondent at Sofia, vid Madrid,
Buenos Aires, Pekin and Stockholm.
(Delayed in transmission.)
German agents are watching the
kitchen of M. RadoslavofTe house day
and night, to see that no food is sor\ <•<]
to the Premier which might possibly
affect his present mood or weaken his
determination to carry to the utmost
limits Bulgaria's co-operation with the
Central Em wires.
" We learn," says the Frankfurter
Zeitung, " from an inspired quarter in
Athens (vid Trieste and Berlin), that it
j is not too much to say that events
| in the Greek capital may move rapidly
[ere long. Meanwhile M. Zonopopho-
'graphos is confined to his bed with
a chill.
" King CONSTANT-INK granted an audi-
ence to the Peruvian Minister to-day.
This has given rise to much comment
in diplomatic circles.
"Yemyil Bey, of the Young Turk
Party and Special Envoy of the Porte
at Athens, speaking at a dinner given
in his honour by the Old Greek Party
last night, declared that the historic
friendship of the Greek and Turkish
peoples left no doubt as to the ultimate
issue of the present situation. Greece
must never forget what Turkey ami
her great ally, Germany, had done on
behalf of small nations struggling to
be free."
Amsterdam.
The Copenhagen correspondent of
the Echo tie Pans learns from Salon-
ika, rut Lemnos and Nijni Novgorod,
that in high official circles in Bukarest
it is rumoured that in Constantinople
the situation is considered grave. Too
much credence must not be given to
this report.
Rome, vid The Hague.
A highly-placed neutral just returned
from Constantinople informs the Secolo
that the SULTAN has conferred tlio Order
of Probity (Ninth Class) upon i!u: act-
ing German Ambassador.
Tokyo, viii Petroynul.
The Washington correspondent ol
the Christiania Morymjxist telegraphs
from Salt Lake City that three-fifths
of the Bulgarian army have crossed into
Serbia, two-fifths are concentrated on
the Greek frontier, while the remaining
fifth is to adopt a watching attitude
witli regard to Houmania. ,-• ,
The Austro-German army is deleted
[BY CENSOR] .
Athens, vid Bernt.
The return of M. VKXIZELOS to
power is hourly expected.
Athens, rid Buda-Fest.
M. VKNI/KLOS' retirement may be
regarded (so Renter's New York corre-
spondent wires) as definite and per-
manent.
A telegram from Sevastopol, rid
Rotterdam, casts doubts on both the
above statements.
STOP PRESS.
Biikarcst.
The diplomatic situation is appreci-
al>l\ the same.
370 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [NOVEMBER 3, 1910.
Motlier (to her small son, icho is doing a jig-saw puzzle on tlie Sabbath}. " BOBBY, ABE YOU SURE THAT'S A SUNDAY PUZZLE YOU
ABE DOING ? ' '
Bobby. "WELL, YOU SEE, I CAN'T TELL UNTIL I'VE DONE IT."
AT THE FRONT.
A MILITARY humourist remarked the
other day that trench warfare was
becoming a constant drain. Last winter
the privilege of being able to write home
and say you were up to your knees in
water was so highly esteemed that no
one ever suggested such a sacrilege as
the draining of a trench. This winter
we are reformed characters. What
remains of the trenches is as dry as
the routine order prescribing for them,
and on this theme there is nothing
to write home about. The British
Army has made four drains to every
trench, so we have every prospect of
a rainless winter.
Talking about constant drains we are
so reduced that I have had to take over
a company, just for a few days, until
they can get an officer. Nevertheless,
except that I have stopped speaking to
platoon commanders, I don't put on
a bit of side about it.
On the other hand you must not
imagine that I regard my duties lightly.
Only yesterday I built a new mess
kitchen. It is completely self-contained,
and when it grows up and we borrow
the electric range from the Hun oppo-
site it ought to turn out anything up
to an eight-course dinner in less time
than it takes to persuade the enemy to
retaliate.
We are also making a new recess to
match the kitchen, a palace with all
the requirements of a coal-cellar except
the coal. Our half-hoop roofings are
creating quite a furore round about.
These dcrnicrs cris of this season's
fancy ironwork were discovered loiter-
ing suspiciously among the ruins of a
barn. • For months every officer looked
at them appreciatively as he passed,
and observed to his friends, " Tine stuff
for roofing a dug-out ! We must use
them as soon as we have a battalion to
spare for carrying them." I ended
their hopes by discovering that a com-
pany could carry one at 6, time comfort-
ably. Now .1 write under the shadow
of their spreading eaves, and our only
trouble is that one of those Generals
who keep popping in may want to
know why we 've been wasting time
that might have been spent on draining.
Two evasions present themselves.
In the first place there is always a
good chance of passing the mess off as
a drain. Alternatively I may remark
lightly, " My dear General, that old bun-
galow of ours was positively unfit to
receive company in — much less to com-
mand one. When I became liable to
the honour of your visits, I felt it my first
duty to run up a salon worthier of your
rank. " By the time I have finished this
pretty speech the General will be at the
end of niy line. On the word " rank "
I shall salute smartly and fall out.
There are still some Germans some-
where round ; they are of the Prussic
sort and very acid. They seem to be
experts in mixed frightfulness, which
they get off their chests in short rushes
as it were. Thus from 10 to 10.30 A.M.
comes a shower of rille grenades ; from
2.30 to 3 r.M., an assortment of shells;
while we have two brisk half-hours of
rille and machine guns after dusk. In
the small hours of the morning the air
is full of the noises of bombous pro-
jectiles. I rush up as slowly as I
decently can to the sap-head to inquire
who is hit, and am informed by a very
unconcerned and obviously contemptu-
ous listening-postman that the near-
est bomb fell fifty yards short. As the
hours of the morning grow larger \vo
return to a shell and mortar diet ; and
so it goes.
There was once a very old-established
company commander in our sector who,
having had to furnish the brigade with
reports on drainage, coke issue, sniper-
scopes, a wire-cutting patent, the health
of his command, and a new anti-frost-
bite slush, and being further asked, on
the same day, to " report on enemy's
attitude," sent in the following illu-
minating wire : — " Enemy's attitude
hostile." Anon came a brigade reply : — •
" Please amplify your report on enemy's
attitude." Whereupon the company
commander amplified: — "Enemy's atti-
tude distinctly hostile." This corre-
spondence was then closed.
^NCH,_OB_THEJ,ONpON_CHARiVAIiI.-NovKMBEB 3, 191*
TO LIGHTEN THE SHIP.
ASQUITH (Skipper of the good ship " Cabinet"). "BELOW THERE I A DOZEN JONAHS WANTED!1
XoVKMHKU 3, J9J.J.J
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CIIAKIVAUI.
you
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
KV-IKACI i i) I-T.OM TIM: DIAHY OF Tony, M.I'.)
House ofLonh, Titesdni/, OcloberZGth.
— LANSDOWNE realises with increasing
conviction that the life of a Leader of a
Coalition Ministry, like that of the
policeman, is Tiot ;i happy one. Repre-
senting Party Government at least
know where you are. The Par-
host is ranged in two
CM nips. You and your men fire into
the fellows opposite, and they fire into
you. There is a simplicity about this
arrangement that lends it attraction.
Lamentable difference for Leader in
either House when Coalition Govern-
ment directs National affairs. Such
a body has natural unattractiveness
of the Hermaphrodite. It excites no
healthy encouraging enthusiasm. On
all sides it makes enemies, overt or
covert. Old friends and former col-
leagues remain seated on Opposition
benches watching Ministerial manoeu-
vres superciliously if not maliciously.
This lack of support from old chums is
not compensated for by loyalty on the
part of new companions. A life-long
Conservative seated on Ministerial
bench in either House is chilled by
consciousness that he is suspect in the
eyes of the party to which he has
attached himself.
This afternoon LANSDOWNE, with his
back to the wall, his practised rapier
showing no lack of skill or strength in
the handling, found himself and the
Government of which he is a distin-
guished Member assailed from all sides.
LOBEBURN, in most pragmatic mood,
began it. Neither House nor country
has recently heard anything of the
ultra-Radical who, making his way to
the Woolsack, in brief time so far
commended himself to Noble Lords,
lay and clerical, as to dispute in then-
estimation the personal supremacy of
that stern unbending Tory, Lord
HALSBURY.
During occasional visits to House
i he sits in silence, brooding over in-
efficiency of a Government deprived
of his collaboration. With grudging
assurance that he did not desire to
hamper the Government or to damage
the State by putting questions which,
even if not answered in detail, would
gratify the enemy, he submitted a series
suggesting that expedition to Salonica
had been rushed without the approval
of the Government's highest naval and
military advisers, and that full provision
had not been made for its communica-
tions and supplies.
In guarded reply LANSDOWNE pointed
out that KITCHENER, called to office of
Si.cKiiTAKY OF STATE FOB WAR by
public acclaim, is present at every
meeting of the Cabinet, and is a party
to all its decisions.
" It would," lie added, " bo almost
grotesque to suppose that ho allows
himself to be deflected from his course
by pressure of civilian colleagues."
In the other HOUKO this common-
sense refutation of irresponsible gossip
"Hl3 BACK TO THE WALL."
LORD LASBDOWSE.
would have been approved by hearty
cheer. The Lords are not in cheerful
mood just now. The majority to whom
a couple of years ago LANSDOWNE was
ne of Common*, U'etlnrulay.--
Hnriiing d«-.ir« for presence
•ily developed.
Question -l'i on pajx-r, u'ldreMed l<.
by MOI/I KNO, inquired what he referred
to in his communication to the Navy
League, \\lu-n he stated that "tin
our long delays tho enemy had seized
a new initiative in tho Near But."
1 low were those delays brought about ?
MOLTENO anxious to know, and who
was responsible for them '.'
When Questions began WIXSTOS was
seated on Treasury Bench chatting with
LLOYD GEORQE. When Number 25 on
tho list was reached, lo 1 ho was not.
MOLTENO appealed to SPEAKER to
know whether there wore any means
of getting an answer.
" Cortainlv," said the SPEAKER ; " the
answer wilt be circulated with the
V. .;••-. '
Doubtless. But that is not what
MOLTENO wanted, or what would please
the Pragmatical PRINGLE and the
Hustling HOOQE, who hurried to his
assistance. They desired to see
WINSTON in person, hear his explana-
tion of what was certainly a curious
remark from a Cabinet Minister, and
put a few Supplementary Questions.
There was tho Sergeant-at-Arms in his
chair; why was not he despatched to
bring in the errant Minister, handcuffed
if necessary?
SPEAKER, calling on next Question,
made this little pleasantry impossible.
Meanwhile WINSTON was otherwise,
a revered, almost idolised, leader heard
him throughout in chilling silence.
Business done — Commons made fur-
ther progress in Committee on Budget.
"OTHERWISE EXGAOED.
Mn. WIXSTOS CHURCHILL.
perhaps more usefully, engaged. Had
brought down with him easel and
palette. Seated at favourable point
of view on Terrace was placidly en-
gaged in sketching Westminster Bridge
in full tide of traffic. Relieved from
strenuous work at Admiralty he has
given himself up with characteristic
thoroughness and impetuosity to pur-
suit of Art. Hopes MOLTENO and his
other friends below Gangway will like ,
his " View of Westminster Bridge from
the Terrace of tho House of Com-
mons" when next May they see it
hanging on the line at the Royal
Academy.
Business done.— Sitting devoted to
progress in Budget Bill.
Thursday.— Another word ruled out
from Parliamentary usage. It is "stam-
pede." OUTHWAITE inadvertently eli-
cited judgment from the Chair. Amid
random talk about raids by Zeppe-
lins, he, addressing HOME SECRETARY,
casually inquired, " Is the Right Hon.
Gentleman aware that last night there
was a stampede by Hon. Members
from this Chamber because they heard
of a Zeppelin raid ? "
SPEAKER sternly objected to the use
of the word " stampede."
374
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [NOVEMBER 3, 1915.
MADE IN GERMANY.
"MABEL, GO ON WITH YOUR WORK, AND DON'T GNAW YOUR PENCIL.'
"Bui, Miss PINCH, I'M ONLY GNAWINQ OFF 'BAVAMA.'"
Alleged incident of Members bolting
at a critical moment explained by
ARTHUR MARKHAM. Also addressing
HOME SECRETABY, he asked whether he
was aware that two Members actually
left the House ?
" I was speaking at the time," he
added. That explained everything.
Subject accordingly dropped. "Re-
vived by OUTHWAITE, whose ruffled
appearance suggested that in the
meanwhile, in the Lobby and else-
where, he had had rough time with
Members accused of fleeing in affright
when they heard a Zeppelin was
coming. He now " desired to make
most absolute apology for having con-
veyed impression that Members left
on account of fear." What he meant
to say was that they ran off to protect
their wives and children.
" I myself," he added, "left on
account of a gas-bag which was not a
Zeppelin."
This another unfortunate remark.
Members seated near him below Gang-
way looked inquiringly at each other
and angrily at him. Certainly was a
case that might have been put differ-
ently. There are no gas-bags below
the Gangway.
Business done. — Night Club Bill
passed final stage.
Motto for Diplomacy : — " First make
sure that you're too late; then go ahead."
" Mr. Balfour said in no circumstances did
the authorities consider that adequate defence
against night attacks by Zeppelins could be
provided by aeroplanes. On Wednesday, the
13th inst., the weather conditions in the
London area rendered it irnppopspsipble for
any large number to go up."
Gloucester Citizen.
This gives you some idea of the difficulty.
" WASTED, a Home for healthy Baby Girl,
four mouths."— Hull Daily Mail.
A healthy appetite too, we imagine,
with such accommodation.
"The weighty article in the Manchester
Guardian of yesterday, from which we give
extracts elsewhere, is the handwriting on the
wall to those who shut their eyes to the
truth." — TJie Times.
But unfortunately they don't see it.
"To-morrow (Sunday). — Church parade.
'Fall in' at Barnes Pond, 10 a.m. (without
rifles)." — Barnes and Mortlake Herald.
Whatever may happen to the men their
weapons are very properly to run 110
risks.
A EONDEAU OF EEGBET.
(Fon THE STH OF NOVEMBER.)
Ax efligy — a strange affair
Of ancient clothing, past repair,
All stuffed with straw ; and for a
head
Old rags, to which is se'wn with
thread
A mask grotesque with baleful stare.
Thus limned amid the bonfire's glare
We see you, WILHELM, as it were
In proxy ; in your royal stead —
An effigy.
We but regret, Imperial Herr,
You 're not in person frizzling there.
You thing of straw, witli stuffing fed,
Were your existence forfeited
On such a pyre, then who would care
An f-i-g?
"I met the captured German cannon at
j 9-30 this morning being brought by the Royal
j Artillery on to the Horse Guards Parade, at
! the Birdcake Walk end." — Daily Despatch.
i The Bird Cake-walk (we prefer this
arrangement) is only used on triumphal
' occasions and is the British version of
j the German goose-step.
NOVBKBEB 3, 1915.] PUNCH, OR TIIK LONDON CHAIMV.MM.
Irish Sergeant (sleeping in a ruined farmJiouse somewhere in France).
DOOB; AND, IP THERE IS, SHUT UT 1 "
"HERE, BCHKE, JUST SHLIP OUT AND BEE IP THERE'S A FBOXT
W. G.
So W. G. is no more ! Cricket itself
has suffered the cruellest wounds since
August of last year, and now the Father
of it is laid low. And his place will
never be filled again. There could not
be another W. G. ; there can be, if the
Fates allow the game to recover, great
cricketers ; but there can never be an-
other so immeasurably the greatest —
never another not only to play cricket
as GRACE did, but to be cricket as
GRACE was.
Cricket and W. G. were indeed one.
Popular superstition and the reporters
had it that he was a physician, and it is
true that, when a wicket-keeper smashed
his thumb or a bumping ball flew into a
batsman's face, first aid would be ad-
ministered in the grateful shade of the
"Doctor's " beard ; but it was impossible
really to think seriously of his medical
activities, or indeed of any of his ac-
tivities off the field. Between Septem-
ber and May one thought of him as
hibernating in a cave, returning to life
with renewed vigour with the opening
of the season, his beard a little more
imposing, his proportions a little more
gigantic ; so that each year the bat in
his hand, as he walked to the wicket
with that curious rolling tumbling gait,
seemed a more trifling implement.
With the mind's vision one sees him
in many postures. At the wicket :
waiting, striking and running; and
again bowling, in his large round
I action, coming in from the leg, with a
! man on the leg boundary a little finer
than square, to catch the young-
sters who lunged at the widish ball
| (his "bread-and-butter trick" W. G.
called it). One sees him thus and thus,
and even retiring to the pavilion, either
triumphantly— with not, of course, a
sufficient but an adequate score to his
credit — or with head bent pondering
how it was he let that happen and
forewarning himself against it nest
time. But to these reminiscent eyes
the most familiar and characteristic
attitude of all is W. G. among his men
at the fall of a wicket, when they
would cluster round to discuss the
event and, no matter how tall they wcn>,
) W. G.'s beard and shoulders would top
the lot. Brave days for ever gone !
Of late years, since his retirement,
the Old Man, as he was best known
among his fellow amateurs, was an
1 occasional figure at Lord's. More than
: a figure, a landmark, for he grew vaster
steadily, more massive, more monu-
mental. What must it have been like
to have that Atlas back and those
shoulders in front of one in the theatre !
! At the big matches he would he seen
' on one of the lower seats of the pavilion
with a friend on either side, watching
and commenting. But the part of
oracle sat very lightly upon him ; he
was ever a mun of action rather than
of words ; shrewd and sagacious enough ,
hut without rhetoric. That his mind
worked with Ulysses-like acutenesH
every other captain had reason to
know ; his tactics were superb. But
he donned and doffed them with his
flannels. In ordinary life he was
content to he an ordinary man.
Although sixty-seven, he did not
exactly look old; he merely looked
older than he had been, or than any
such performer should be permitted to
be. There should be a dispensation for
such masters, by which W. G. with
his bat, and JOHN ROBKUTS with hU
cue, and CINQUEVALLI with his juggling
implements would be rendered immune
from Anno Domini. Almost to the end
he kept himself fit, either with local
matches, where latterly he gave away
more runs in the field than lie hit up,
not being aide to '/get down" to the
hall, or with golf' or heading. Bu:
the great heard grew steadily more
grizzled and the ponderous footfall
more weighty. Indeed towards the
last he might almost have been a work
by MF.STKOVICS, so colossal and cosmic
were his lines.
Peace to his ashes ! We shall never
look upon his like again. The days of
GRACE are ended.
376
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[NOVEMBER 3, 1915.
AT THE PLAY.
WHION a nation is busy fighting for
its existence it is well that it should
be constantly reminded of its noblest
traditions. And here the maker of
national pageants comes in. It is his
part, with the assistance of the coa-
tuuiier, the wig-maker, and sometimes
even the actor, to add flame to the
country's ardour. This thought, no
doubt, is active in the brain of Mr.
Louis N. PARKER, and it would there-
fore seem that it must have
through mere inadvertence or
else a temporary aberration that
he allowed his choice this time
to fall upon the corrupt and
frivolous Court of CHAELES II.
To suggest that the chance of '
bringing together the Merry
Monarch and the Merry Widoic
(in the person of Miss LILY
ELSIE) diverted him from the
right path would be to cast too
cynical a reflection upon his
patriotism. And certainly it
could not have been the male
costumes of the period that
attracted him, for nothing
could well be uglier or more
ridiculous.
The comedy of Mavourncen
is a very simple thing. Apart
from the usual allowance of
pageantry it concerns itself
almost solely with the fortunes
of Patricia O'Brien. To escape
marriage with a detestable man,
assigned to her by a detest-
able father (neither of these
villains appeared, so we had
to take them on trust), she
journeys to London in boy's
attire, with the idea of putting
her case before the King, the
most natural person in the
been
innocence could be damaged by this air (talk of it, I mean, not Zeppelins) ,
simple demonstration. Why, indeed, ! but what with the scandals at White-
it should have come as a shock to so j hall and a masked rout at The Pantiles
hardened a Court I could not conjee- nobody had time to worry about the
L . _1_ _ 1_ _ _T _T :l 1_ _ / i /", ,1 T-v i 1 , " *
ture; she had danced before us at Castle
O'Brien, in the First Act, with both her
stockings off and we hadn't blenched.
Miss LILY ELSIE — a very popular
resurrection — was always a delight to
the eye, and, boy or girl, she played
with a fine assurance. Happily for us
she was there most of the time ; for in
her absence there was little enough to
entertain us, though Mr. HARKKH'S
scenery afforded a pleasant distraction.
THE HOUSE THAT PAT BUILT.
Patricia O'Brien Miss LILY ELSIE.
King Clwrles II Mr. MALCOLM CHERRY.
Dutch question. O. S.
OUE SUPER-OPTIMIST.
THOUGH some people cry you nay
Now and then,
You Ve a fascinating way
With your pen ;
For your style grows never stale,
And to every weekly tale
Even pessimists can wail
An Amen.
When our armies over-sea,
You admit,
Down along Gallipoli
Have to sit,
Are you ever once put out ?
Do you harbour any doubt
As to what they 're all about ?
Not a bit.
If the Russians backward
glide
From the foe,
Or the turning of the tide
Seems but slow,
Do you ever cease to write
Of the triumph soon in sight
When the dawn ejects the
night?
Oh dear, no.
By " successes " of the Hun
Never awed,
You insist that ev'ry one
Is a fraud ;
Soon for peace, you say,
they '11 sue,
For you take the " forward
view " ;
And I quite agree witli you,
Colonel MAUDE.
world to consult on a domestic matter Mr. CHERRY did his best to convey the
of this kind. Here, her mission at once ] devastating seductiveness of the Mon-
forgotten amid the novel diversions of arch ; and Mr. GERALD LAWRENCE (as
the Court, she finds favour with the Buckingham, with a taste for improvi-
poor dusky Queen (very homesick for sation) ; Mr. EDWAHD SASS (as Mr.
Braganza), and then attracts the roving Secretary Pepys) ; Mr. GAYER MACKAY
eye of the Monarch. Her innocence, (as the fatuous Arlington) ; Miss ALICE
however, defeats him, and in a spasm CRAWFORD (as the notorious Ladu
_f _ _?__J___ 1 • 1 . f, . •, V
of generous virtue
the arms of the
he resigns her to
only honest man
in his entourage. Plot there is none,
unless we are to count the customary
misunderstanding between the lovers.
Castlcmainc) andtherest of the courtiers
made a brave show with their conven-
tial tags and improbabilities.
By contrast there was a refreshing
humanity in Mr. C. V. FRANCE'S Father
It arose from an exhibition of the lady's O'Bafferty and the Queen Catherine of
legs before the assembled Court in Miss ATHENE SEYLER, a very charming
Whitehall Palace. There had been a j little sketch. Mr. REGINALD OWEN,
question of rivalry in the matter of j whose natural voice and manner lack
stockings and the shapeliness that they adaptability, was not very happy as
covered; and Patricia, who was in the Patricia's lover.
habit of wading through her native bogs I ought to add, in justice to Mr.
with lifted skirts, failed to see how her PARKER, that there was War in the
"The bride's travelling dress was a khaki
coat and skirt, and she wore a largo picture."
Whitby Gazette.
Artists hard-hit by the War are hoping
that the new fashion will become
general.
"The Editor regrets very much that no
completely correct solution of the Acrostic set
in the last issue of the QUARTERLY was com-
pletely correct." — Navy Leayuc Quarterly.
So the Editor has very kindly set the
competitors another puzzle, as above.
"There was one child of the marriage, a
boy aged three years. He had been wounded
three times at the front, and had taken part
in eight bayonet charges. He hud now re-
covered and was about to return to the front
again." — Morning Paper.
Sir ARTHUR. MABKHAM, who has con-
demned the enlistment of boys, ought
to look into this case.
3, 1915.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
"HAVE YOU A Sporting Life?'
Bookstall Clerk (at lonely country station), "Nor VERY ! "
THE BALLAD OF THE RESURRECTION PACKET.
OH, she 's in from the deep water, she 's safe in port once
more,
With shot 'oles in the funnel which were not there hefore ;
Yes, she 's 'ome, dearie, 'ome, an' we 've 'alf the sea inside !
Ought to 'avo sunk, but she couldn't if she tried.
An' it was " 'Ome, dearie, 'ome, oh, she '11 bring us 'ome
some day,
Eollin' both rails under in the old sweet way,
Freezin' in the foul weather, fryin' in the fine,
The resurrection packet of the Salt 'Orse Line! "
If she 'd been built for sinkin" she 'd have done it long ago ;
She 's tried her best in every sea an' all the winds that blow,
In hurricanes at Galveston, pamperos off the Plate,
An' icy Cape 'Orn snorters which freeze you while you wait.
She's been ashore at Vallipo, Algoa Bay likewise,
She's broke her screw-shaft off Cape Eace an' stove 'er
bows in ice,
She 's lost 'er deck-load overboard an' 'alf 'er bulwarks too,
An' she 's come in with fire aboard, smokin* like a flue.
But it 's " 'Ome, dearie, 'ome, oh, she gets there just the same,
Eeekin', leakin", 'alf a wreck, scarred an' stove an' lame ;
Patch 'er up with putty, lads, tie 'er up with twine,
The resurrection packet of the Salt 'Orse Lane ! "
A bit west the Scillies the sky was stormy red,
"To-night wo '11 lift Saint Agnes Light if all goes well," we
said,
But we met a slinkin' submarine as dark was coinin' down,
An' she ripped our rotten plates away an' left us there to
drown.
A bit west the Scillies we thought her sure to sink,
There was 'alf a gale blowin1, the sky was black as ink.
The seas begun to mount an' the wind begun to thundrr,
An' every wave that come, oh, we thought 'twould roll 'or
under.
But it was " 'Orri^ctearie, 'ome, an' she '11 get there after all,
Steamin' when she can steam, an' when she can-'t she'll
crawl ;
This year, next year — rain or storm or shine —
The resurrection packet of the Salt 'Orse Line ! '
We thought about the bulk-'eads — we wondered if tlu-y M
last,
An" the cook 'e started groanin" an' repentin' of the past ;
But thinkin' an' groanin', oh, they wouldn't shift the water.
So we got the pumps a-workin' same as British seamen
oughter.
If she 'd been a crack liner she 'd 'ave gone like a stone,
An' why she didn't sink is a thing as can't be known ;
Our arms was made of lead, our backs was split with
achin',
But we pumped 'er into port just before the day was
breakin' !
For it was " 'Ome, dearie, 'ome, oh, she '11 bring us 'ome
some day, —
Don't you 'ear the pumps a-clankin" in the old sweet way ?-
This year, next year— rain or storm or shine —
She 's the resurrection packet of the Salt 'Orse Line ! '
378
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[NOVEMBEB 3, 1915.
THE DIARY.
" Franceses,," I said, " what was I doing yesterday ? "
" I haven't the remotest idea," she said. " 1 don't keep
a watch on your incomings and your outgoings. I 'vo got
quite enough to do to look after myself."
"I do not," I said, "perceive in you that willingness to
help the distressed which is one of the most precious
jewels in the crown of womanhood. You might brush up
your memory a bit and help a chap."
" But why does a chap want to be helped ? "
"A chap," I said, "wants to be helped because he's
posting up his diary. I give you my word of honour,
Francesca, my mind is a perfect blank as to what I did
yesterday. I can remember quite clearly things that
happened fifty years ago, but about yesterday I 'm utterly
lost."
"Very well, then," she said, "I'll dictate. Are you
ready ? Go. ' After breakfast, wrote an epic in twelve
books ' — they 're always in twelve books, you know —
' wiped out HOMER and put MILTON on a back seat. After
luncheon called on Lord KITCHENER at the War Office
and submitted my plan of campaign. He seemed much
impressed, but —
" I wish," I said, " you could manage to be serious for
about half a minute. You don't soem to realise what this
means to me."
"Oh, yes," she said, "I do. I know your happiness
depends upon getting it right. However, if you don't like
my first effoi't, I '11 try again."
" No, don't," I said ; " it only puts me off."
" Then you '11 have to be put off. Listen : ' Got out of
bed late. Shaved with safety razor. Gashed myself twice.
Spoke gently but firmly. Had a bath. Put on blue serge
suit and black boots. Breakfasted — eggs and bacon. Eead
Times. Gloomier than ever. Then — — • "
" Hurrah ! " I said. " I 've got it. Don't speak to me.
Let me write it down quickly before I forget it. There, it 's
down."
" How frightfully exciting," she said. " Read it out at
once."
" Yes," I said, " here it is : — ' Went to London by the
11.12 train.' You can't think what a relief that is to me.
It 's so jolly to feel that one still has a memory."
" It must be," she said. " But it tw«m't do to put too
great a strain on it, you know. It 's a gfflant memory, but
you must ride it gently."
" There you go again," I said.
" Do I ? " she said pensively. " I 'in wondering how it
feels to have a memory like that. It must have taken a lot
of training."
" Oh, no," I said, " not much. It just does it."
" And that," she said, " is how diaries are made, is it ? "
"Yes," I said proudly, " that 's how."
" But what 's the point of it ? " she said. " Why do you
want to put a thing like that down in your diary? It
doesn't seem to be so tremendously important, after
all."
" Oh, Francesca, " I said, "don't you see? Some day,
years hence, you and the children — they '11 all be grown up
then, by the way, but no matter — you '11 all be sitting
round the fire in the library, and Muriel will say, ' Let's have
a read of Dad's diary,' and you '11 fetch it out of its box and
perhaps you 11 pitch on this very entry and read it out : —
'Went to London by the 11.12 train.' And then after a
moment or two Nina will say, 'That was Dad's favourite
train,' and Alice will say, ' What a good train-catcher Dad
was. You don't iind many like him in these days ; ' and
Frederick will say, ' I wonder if he wore that funny hat of
his ; ' und so you '11 all spend a very pleasant evening over
the old diary and the 11.12 train."
" You touch me deeply," said Francesca. " I see there's
some use in a trivial diary after all."
"I'm glad of that," I said. "I will now complete the
record for the day. Let me see : ' Lunched at Club with
Billington. Returned home by 5.50 from Paddin^ion,
Drilled with platoon of Volunteers after dinner.' There's
the whole day for you."
" What a good driller of Volunteers Dad was ! " said
Francesca with a smile.
"He did his best," I said. "And let me tell you,
Francesca, that if you ever drill a platoon there's one
thing you must beware of."
" What's that?" she said.
" As you value your peace of mind," I said, "don't try
and get them rear-rank in front. If you want to break up
a column of fours into its component particles all you 've
got to do is to shout out, 'On the right form platoon ' (or
left, as the case may be — whichever ought to bring the
rear-rank in front) and watch the result. It's enough to
make a cat laugh, let alone a Sergeant-Major."
" But Sergeant-Majors don't laugh, do they ? "
"Not much," I said. "How can they? They pass
their time in a world where everybody is always making
mistakes and nobody is ever as smart as he ought to be."
" Have you ever," she said, "tried your Sergeant-Major
with your diary ? He might get a smile or two out of that."
" He 'd have to remind it to form two deep first. That
would be an absolutely essential preliminary."
" I '11 remember that," she said, " when next I drill my
weekly books." R. C. L.
ARMS AND THE WOMAN.
["The military and naval fondness for tattooing has spread to
many young women in London, who are having the name and often
the regimental badge of their swains indelibly marked on their
arms." — Daily Express.']
Amelia, I am haunted by the thought
That this distressing news refers to you :
That, tiring of the commonplace, you sought
For something new,
And rushed off in a mad impulsive mood
To do this foolish thing — to be tattooed.
A fashion that would shock the common throng
Is just the thing in which you would delight ;
I hope with all my heart that I am wrong,
But, if I 'm right,
Your folly will effectively prevent
My showing off my one accomplishment.
For out here, in the midst of War's alarms,
We sometimes have a sing-song, and, you see,
I always sing, " I know of two white arms
Waiting for me ; "
But if those arms with pictures are bedecked
I sing no more. My repertoire is wrecked.
Note added by Officer censoring kttcrs.
Dear Madam, this intrusion may seem rude,
But I, alas, have suffered with the rest.
If up to now you liaren't been tattooed,
Might I suggest
You go and get it done without delay.
Send us the bill. We '11 very gladly pay.
A Bath Revival.
" At 4 o'clock one morning the Fire Brigade arrived and washed
its imposing front, which is much the better for the process."
Nm'MI! " !' lill5-l___PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
AT THE PANEL DOCTOR'S.
Gentleman (who has been steadily reading for tlus last hour). "You oo JJEXT, MA'AM; I'vs ONLY COME HERE TO nsun A STOUT I
STARTED LAST WEEK."
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
(By Mr. Punch's Sta/ of Learned Clerks.)
IN these days a fairy fantasy by Mr. F. ANSTEY comes
like a breath from the old happiness. How many years is
it that he has been compelling our laughter witli that
delightful jumble of magic and modernity of which he Christmas Play 1
owns the secret? And here the latest story, In Brief
Authority (SMITH, ELDER), shows what I may call the
knitting woollen vests for the gnomes, or floating a company
for the sale of tables replenishablo by magic. Nor again —
since I hare told you about the governess — need I say*
who eventually turns out be the rightful claimant. It is
all excellent fooling, with, in one place, just a suspicion of
allegory thrown in as ballast. And what a theme for a
ANSTEY formula as potent as ever. Take a stodgy family,
types of latter-day Suburbia ; add a fascinating governess
(Mr. ANSTEY, if he will allow rne to say so, seems some-
thing of a specialist in nice governesses — this one is own
cjusin to her who married The Man from Blankley's),
and translate them all to fairyland as rightful heirs to
the throne of that kingdom. There is your scheme. But
only the author, in his own grave-faced way, can tell
you the countless solemn absurdities of its working out.
Myself, of all the Wibberley-Stimpson family I got most
I am inclined deliberately to call Miss MAIUOKIK Bow EX
the first of our costume novelists. I know of no one who
can so fill a book with the atmosphere of the past, or
whose characters wear their fine feathers with so compel-
ling an air of custom. Her latest story, Because of These
Things (METHUEN), is the strongest, though not the most
pleasant, work she has yet given us. It is a tragedy of
clashing temperaments, with an old plot, told often before
by many writers, in many settings, from the author of
Othello onward. The husband here is Francis Moutray of
Glcnillish, a Calvinistic Scots lord, who, coming as a
fun out of the daughter, who had been taken unwill- 1 fiercely disapproving visitor to the gay life of eighteenth-
ingly from a course of lectures on literature, and was century Bologna, is surprised by an overmastering passion
frankly bored with the pomp and circumstance of a fairy -
court. A boredom entirely reciprocated by her attend-
ants ; till they cheer up on hearing from the royal note-
book that it was " after he had come under the spell
of Petrarch and Boccaccio that Chaucer produced his
wondrous Tales." Though even then, says Mr. Anstey, "it
and elopes with the young Giovanna, a lovely Papist,
daughter of a notorious patrician house. What follows is
what inevitably must have followed such a union. The
instrument of the catastrophe is the child, whom Gioranna
has secretly received into the Faith which love for her
husband had made her outwardly renounce. When
appeared their interest was due to a misapprehension." Moutray learns of this he kills his wife, and virtually his
But I will not try to describe the trials of this ill-suited son also. Thenceforward the tale moves by darkening
family, nor their endeavours to propitiate their subjects by i paths to the end that was foreshadowed at its start. Aft
380
OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[NOVEMBER 3, 1915.
this latter half of tin- hook is pervaded with such a sense | him my approval. Nothing seems more unnecessary than
of doom and horror that the effect of it is almost unbearable, to say of two brave types that one is braver than the
That is why, though I congratulate Miss BOWKX whole- other, iind when " B.-P." claims that the courage of a field
hoartedly upon a piece of imaginative writing that reveals spy is something greater than " the ordinary bravery of a
unsuspected power, I cannot exactly recommend the result soldier in action " he may he right, but he ruffles me to the
to those in search of cheerful entertainment, or a bedside last feather. Anyhow, if, as lie says, "the pluck of the man
soporific. Certainly not the latter, for the dullest reader ' who goes out alone, unobserved and unapplauded, and at
would be bound to'stay awake till the turning of the last the risk of his life, is surely something more admirable,"
page — and probably afterwards. So don't say that I didn't it is time we had a new word for this class of patriot. So
warn you. j infamously disreputable has the word "spy" become that
1 1 would suggest that our amateur military experts should
I am one of those weak-minded persons so lacking in j cease from their self-imposed labour of telling us how
morals that, if a criminal came to me and told me his the War ought to be managed and find an honourable
latest exploit and seemed to expect my sympathy, I am name for those brave men (on our side, of course) whose
sure I should say, " Splendid, old man ! " or words to that observations are of so vital a value,
effect. I am afraid I must
have taken the wrong point
of view when reading The
Man in Motley (MiLLS AND
BOON). The story opens
with Ulick Shreeve plotting
and achieving the murder
of his rich cousin, whose
heir he is, and goes on to
relate his subsequent ap-
prehensions lest the crime
be traced to him. All the
time that I should have
been recoiling in horror
from Ulick I was making
myself his accomplice. I
followed him about, saying,
" Ass, you 've forgotten tdj
hide the revolver ! " and
" Don't leave that obvious
clue, you idiot ; it 's the first
thing they '11 look for ; "
with the result that, as the
net closed more and more
securely about him, I be-
came quite depressed, and
felt, when he finally shot
himself — there is no capital
punishment for murderers
in fiction — that I had lost a
friend. It was wrong of
him, of course, to allow an
innocent man to go to prison
in his stead, but we plotters -'
cannot bother about trifles. I have not yet got rid of the
feeling that poor old Ulick had rotten luck. The late
TOM GALLON, whose posthumous work the tale is, had the
knack of story-telling. He was never slow off the mark,
and, once started, he did not allow his readers' attention to
flag. The Man in Motley is a book which, if you read that
sort of book at all, you will finish at a sitting. It is an
ingenious story ; indeed the trouble with Ulick was that
he was far too ingenious. I told him at the time that he
was making the thing much too complicated, but he would
not listen to me.
THE RULING PASSION.
EVEN IN THE ACT OF SURRENDER THE LANDSTURMF.R DOES NOT
FORGET HIS COMMERCIAL INSTINCTS, WHICH HAVE MADE HIM WHAT
HE IS.
I am very much obliged
to Mr. EGBERT A. HAMJJLIN
for introducing me to him-
self and The Heart of
Joanna (LONG). I pass on
the introduction, feeling
pretty sure you will really
like the author on this first
acquaintance, dismal
enough though most of
what he says may be ; and
quite certain that the lady
he has charmed into exist-
ence will win your hearts
and make you, or almost
make you, forgive the gloom
she is called upon to illu-
mine. Seeing that beyond
denial the life of a strug-
gling undertaker and his
family in the East End is
liable to be a sordid one, to
read all about it with enjoy-
ment requires, besides truth
in the writer, which is here
triumphantly present, some
inward contentment, none
too common these times,
in the reader. So I shall
advise you to wait for an
evening of good news, with
a bright moonlight, before
discovering how
went bankrupt, say, and Mrs. Vane went hungry. After
agreeing to accept, for Art's sweet sake and fortified
as above suggested, a story that is depressing because, in
spite of a sort of happy ending, its prevailing tone of drab
tragedy is so remorselessly possible, you will very likely go
on, as I did, to grumble at one or two minor things — ques-
tions ecclesiastical, where one would like to raise a point of
order, for instance, and a matter of poison that seems
rather a pity, and of a ballet girl that is rather more
than a pity. But I think you will agree in the end that
The Heart of Joanna is a book of real value and even of
power, and Joanna herself delightful.
Lt. -General Sir EGBERT BADEN-POWELL, in My Adventures
as a Spy (PEARSON), gives abundant proofs of his resourceful j
courage, and his little book is most genuinely welcome as ' PLACE IN THE SUN' COMPANY.
the work of a man who has again and again held his life in WANTED shortly, smart Actor for small but important part in
• , c , u • i ir \ 11 above; must be capable of giving a delicate, gentlemanly drunken
his hands So long as he is telling us what he has done set.lie. wife not Ob>cted to jf capableof speaking two or threelines."
and why lie did it, and is teaching us how we may do some The Era.
of it ourselves, I am with him all the time. It is only In the circumstances described most wives would regard
when he begins to generalise that I cease to extend to this as an absurdly inadequate allowance of tongue.
NQVKMI.KII 10. 1915.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CII.MMV \|;i
CHARIVARIA.
GKKMANY has admitted (hut twenty-
seven of her submarines have l>een
caught in Knglish nets aii<l lias com-
plained
method
aiders that it would he more in accord-
ance with the traditions of British
to neutral Powers of this
of Oftpfcuring them. She con-
sp . irtsinanship if they were taken on
the fly — the GitKV-fly for choice.
* "::
*
One of the most popular toys this
year is a submarine which fires torpe-
does at a German warship. The great
charm of it is that the ship, though
temporarily shattered, can be put to-
gether again in a minute. The KAISER
is greatly taken with the notion, and
is trying hard to get a
specimen for Admiral
TIRPITZ'S Christmas tree.
It is rumoured that
in view of the increasing
preponderance of women
intheFatherland "plural
marriages" will shortly
be authorised. Having
set out to be super-men
the Germans may end by
being super-Mormons.
""*'"
By an arrangement of
longstanding the KAISER
acts as godfather to the
seventh and eighth sons
born in succession to any
of his subjects. Witn
the desire of encouraging
the production of " can-
non-fodder " for future
use he has now extended
the offer to seventh, (
eighth, or ninth sons,
a daughter or
has been promised that the in'
of her Empire shall be preserved
he hates going back on bin bond it
will save him a lot of trouble if the
Allies capturo the wretched place for
themselves ^ c
A Parliamentary chronicler informs
us that as the I'IUMI; MINISTER talked
of the low percentage of losses under
naval transport Mr. BALFOUB slowly
leant forward and solemnly touched
the wood of the clerk's table. But, if we
were to believe all wo hear in the daily
press, the head of some colleague would
have served his purpose just as well.
It is stated
*
that
the Primate of
HUNGARY has offered to the military
I:: •; appeal for recruits issued
toted
that " men joining have the knowledge
that it is one of the best-fed regii;
in the Army, six meals a t:
served." We learn from I ;
in preparation for the a these
Gargantuan heroes the commiimi .1
trenches have lately been widened.
» «
a
I-'. .lie. -A ing upon a Press campaign in
favour of •• Polar meat" a Berlin res-
taurant in now supplying " H'.i
m-liniltfl (whale cutlet), U'<i//i-
(saddle of whale), and WauitehbraUn
(whale steak)" on the days when
butcher's meat isforbidden. A ctis-
who tactlessly asked for Walfisch Bay
was informed that it was " off."
'
A HINT TO OUR ADMIRALTY.
DUMMY BABY DESIGN TO TEMPT THE OKHMAN FLEET TO COME OCT.
The Literary Touch.
• Mr. Parker . . . hamiot
.tU'inpted to accommodate
great events to a drani.it,.
tale. History i* merely ln<
background for a story dr.i» n
(nun hi- mingiimtnui. Whili-
bo wan about it, he might
have drunk more deeply of
I \ (x-rion Spring, Ac.,
Ao."-<
•• It is oflit -i.ill\ iinnotincii]
that • Ruiwian t'.' • t m the
Baltic Sea to-day bombarded
the batteries and harbour
works at Varna."
I'aprr.
They must have borrowed
'•the guns 9,000 feet
high " which, according
to another journal, the
Italians have been
• Tins uuHiiocvMiful might
|Mr.t|>hrnse Bynui thus:
tin- i-hi'ap buying
even
daughters
may
though
have
intervened. If the present shortage
of food continues there will soon be
many Esaus in the Godfatherland,
ready to sell their birthright for a
mess of pottage. ,;; *
Among the news-items circulated by
the Embassy in New York to show
Germany's staying-power is the an-
nouncement that the subscriptions to
the German Derby for 1917 are one
hundred and forty-five, or nearly as
But the
be more
many as for
Americans are
this year.
believed to
impressed with the number of entries
secured for the British DERBY.
"V"
The future of Constantinople is caus-
ing some anxiety to the KAISER. He
has offered it to Greece for keeping
out of the War, and to Bulgaria for
authorities all the church-bells in the chance, the dear Whig o«portanity, and ih-
country in order that thev may I* •*•**•*"••• -" '«"'" "-"'"»'•
country in order that they
transformed into cannon. Residents
in certain parts of the Metropolis
are hoping that the Archbishop' of
CANTERBURY will be equally patriotic.
••'.•• #
We regret to learn from Mr. and
Mrs. EUSTACE MILES that after the
December issue the publication of their
entertaining magazine, Health/ward //".'
will be suspended until the War is
over. Among the reasons for this step
is the number of subscribers that have
gone to the Front ; or, in other words,
the shortage of '- '
But surely BUO\\SINU
parodied BVHON thus:
1 nuts.'
It is a mistake to suppose that the
official restrictions placed upon Fifth
of November celebrations were due to
fear of Zeppelins. The fact is that
recent debates in the House of Lords
have persuaded the Government that
the criminal intentions of GUY FAWKKS
coming in, and to Russia if she will
make a separate peace, while Turkey | have been grossly exagg.
h is already
Never the
;ime and the place and the loved one
all together."
I also invite my friends to partakn of Mip
i|iiito at /irsro ill place of the bountiful
tiigh tea which i- tin- n-.ua! custom of my
nd district." — Tlie Weekly Tetfjraph .
Romantic, but a little chilly at this
time of year.
A Sinecure.
••CAPABLE Mother's - Help. Comfortable
home. No children." -Tlie Lady.
"Tho Sandwich Islands are separated from
other lauds by a broad expanse and great dfpth
of sea ... Tho unique position of these
islands in mid-Atlantic is of vast importance."
The n'ireltu Worlil.
Oh, this world-war! Even the Sand-
wich Islands appear to have abai do ie 1
their Pacific attitude.
VOL. CXLIX.
382
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHAEIVAKI. [NOVEMBER 10, 1915.
MOF.
I LITTLE worry when I '111 told
That my orthography is gauche:
I spell it " Bosch," though scholars scold
Ami all the leading linguists hold
I ought to spell it " Boche."
Let every pedant have his fun
And every learned prig his fad ;
By any name beneath the sun
It 's my opinion that the Hun
Would smell about as bad.
Thus, where the border-fence is laid
Between the Belgians and the Dutch
(And when you strike it in the shade
Electrocution's artful aid
Deletes you at a touch),
The Netherlanders, lying low,
But taking neutral leave to scoff,
Have found a name by which to know
The Teuton beast, the common foe — •
They call the thing a "Mof."
This word (I like it well enough :
The spelling's Dutch, but let it pass)
Means, being tantamount to " Muff,"
A cylinder of hairy stuff,
Also a silly ass. O. S.
REX OF THE TRANSPORT.
IN the dark ages, when the battalion was still uncertain
of its fate and the men returned nightly to comfortable billets
and long evenings, he was doubtless the properly of some
up-to-date brewer, who regarded him without enthusiasm
as an item on the asset side of his balance-sheet. Among
so many others it was not to- be expected that he should
attract special notice, but one likes to think that even in
those days he bore himself proudly, as a king should.
Other horses may have been sullen or restless as their
moods prompted, but he stood aloof, removed in thought
above the things of earth, serene and stoical like MARCUS
AUKELIUS of old. Perhaps he felt that his hour was soon
to strike, perhaps he was up-borne by faith, intuition, second
sight — call it what you will ; or perhaps his own calm
strength alone sustained him. Certain it is that he came
to us without hesitation and without fear, but also without
rejoicings. It was as if he had but stepped into the place
prepared for him, which he knew was his by right.
From the very first his claim was never questioned.
For this he was partly indebted to the dignity of his
bearing, and partly to the beauty and immensity of his vast
frame. " He strode our little world like a Colossus," and
to us of the Transport Section, watching the smooth play
and ripple of his mighty muscles, he seemed indeed less
suited to perform the menial tasks allotted to him than to
delight the pure soul of the artist. But most of all I
think he owed his supremacy to his eye. Large, dark
and compelling, it seemed to combine the wisdom of
centuries with the na'ive wonderment of a child. There
were times when one could read in it the pensiveness that
is born of knowledge, and times when it seemed to look
out on the world with an air of gentle surprise. Thus,
when, standing at ease during the loading of his G. S.
wagon, he heard the regimental band strike up within a
few yards of him, he merely turned on it a gaze of mild
inquiry. Yet in that gaze there was an unquestionable
tinge of mute contempt for beings who could derive
pleasure from such useless and undignified pursuits.
Whore we, however, thought to discern a mystic aloof-
ness from common interests and desires, his companions
saw only a firm concentration of purpose, a rapt intensity
of thought, which they dreaded but could not understand.
Because of this no horse would face his glance. It is
rumoured that at night-time, from his place of honour on
the right of the line, he quelled disturbance by a turn of
the head. It is certainly true that since his coming no
picket has had to face the fear of a stampede in those
dreaded small hours before the dawn, when the grass begins
to rustle mysteriously and long shadows creep about the
horses' feet. Equally is it true that no picket has ever
seen him sleep. Sometimes in the chill of early morning
he has been noticed slowly and solemnly alternating his
weight from one hind foot to the other, but for the most
part he stands four-square and motionless throughout the
night, keeping watch and guard over his subjects. Sleep
he doubtless must, even as every living thing, but it is a
concession to the flesh which he makes grudgingly and
in . secret, as though ashamed of his own weakness and
afraid lest he should be found unworthy of his trust. Al-
ways he succeeds in retaining such a measure of his facul-
ties as will enable him to be found awake at each recurring
inspection of the line.
When at last Reveille summons the world to another
day's work, he submits to having himself groomed without
protest but with evident boredom. The only evidence of
interest in the proceedings which he displays is when, his
rug having been loosened, he reaches round and drags it
carefully from his back. It is his one parlour-trick, his
sole expression of gratitude, his solitary tribute to the
superior intellect of Man. By it he admits his dependence
on the powers that guide his life.* Failing it we might
have admired his strength and respected his serenity, but
we could never have loved him. Because of it we know
that his detachment is that of the philosopher and not of
the cynic, and that beneath his grave exterior there beats a
warm heart.
Some day, when the War is over, he will return to civil
life. His brief reign ended, he will take his place once more
among the obscure and civilian legions of the prosperous
brewer. Will he look back with regret on the days of
his kingship, or will the memory of them, like a bright
jewel, help to sustain him through the dark years that
must pass before he goes down-hill with his last load?
Time alone can tell, but we who knew him in his greatness
and must desert him in his poverty wish him the best
wish we know7 : a painless dropping of the traces and, when
the time comes, a dreamless sleep.
"The Minor Horrors of War."
" The following list of articles sent gives some idea of the work
of the Committee in respect of the Royal Scots during the past
twelve months : — Socks, 14,161 pairs ; gloves, 3404 pairs ; shirts, 5797 ;
mufflers, 2788 ; helmets, 2126 ; handkerchiefs, 2780 ; Tommy's
cookers, 1000; insect powder, 1700 tons, &c., &c." — Scotsman.
" We return to find the University yet further depleted in numbers,
though not far short of 1,000 undergraduates are at present in resi-
dence. The 600 odd dons also still about thus enable us to muster
quite a respectable total." — Cambridge Magazine.
The senior members of the University have their uses, then.
" £3 REWARD. — LOST. Oct. 21st, about 10 p.m. in taxicab, between
Hippodrome and Great Titchfield-street, brown Fun STOLE, Minx."
Morning Paper.
It is to be hoped that the loser deserves a better sobriquet
than she gives herself. And is " Minx " sure that the fur
was stole ?
JNCH, <>i; Till' LONDON cii AIM YAkI .-NOVKMBB. 10, 1915.
BANQUETING AS USUAL.
Goo (to Jftwoo). " WELL, HERE 'S TO WAR-ECONOMY !
NOVKMBKU 10. 1915.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CH.MMVARI.
TT<
likkey. '-MOTHKR, HOW OLD is DAD?"
Motlltr. " PoKTY-THKEE, DF.AB. WHY?"
Rickey. "On, I .iir GLAD. I WAS AFRAID HE'D FUNKED.'
INSIDE KNOWLEDGE.
[We have had the extraordinary luck to
intercept, on its way to " The Daily
Telegraph," the following despatch
from the Sphinx of the Balkans.]
IT is right that the British Nation
should be apprised of the crucial fact
that the whole question of Italian
activity in the Balkans turns upon the
peremptory need of establishing in how
ar belligerent action may prove to bo
congruous with the resources at the
lisposal of the Consulta and in how
'ar they may prove to be proportionately
adaptable to the realization of Allied
lunations. This truth was revealed
n a telegram which I have just received
rom a source that I am not at liberty
o divulge ; but I have first - hand
mowledge to guide me, if any guidance
vere desiderated. And the conclusion
allies exactly with my forecast of last
kfay — unfortunately overlooked at the
ime. On this point the Giolittist
Stun/pa, the Salandrist Oiomale
I'lt'ilia and the Briandist Fiijaro are
ill in agreement ; and satisfaction is
xpressed that the Dillonist Daily
"elcgraph approves their attitude.
Other extraneous considerations of
in influential character, which it would
>e inopportune to analyse at pnsrm
(though I am not precluded from
expressing the opinion that they may
soon-reach the highest attainable degree
of intensity), also press for recognition.
Their sufficiency may be chimerical
but it can with truth be predicated that
their influence must tell — though I am
unfortunately not free to enter into
details the knowledge of which would
dispel those appearances that lend
colour to the opposite belief.
The attitude of Roumania is still the
subject of much misapprehension in
Allied diplomatic circles — iri spite of
my article of February 13th last. And
here let me say, in passing, that on
those days when nothing new from
my pen is received in London the
diplomatic atmosphere might well be
lightened by the reprinting of daily in-
stalments of my former contributions
during the past five years. This should
prove a safeguard against a dangerous
lapse into bewilderment on the part of I
civilian opinion in the Allied countries.
For though much has happened since
ihese pronouncements were mode there
lias been nothing to vitiate their con-
clusions, or what I may call their
continuous applicability or adapta-
bility to future conditions which had
yet to be created and which differ
materially from those obtaining at
my opinions were
the moment when
adumbrated.
Whether or no Ruumania will display
any velleity with regard to joint action
with the Central Powers is known to
certain judges who have watched the
diplomatic contest at close quarters or
mentally reconstructed it, and whose
views are at my disposal. In any case
it would be a rash assumption that such
endeavours as I may have made on my
own part to influence the course of
history — in negotiations that may be
published elsewhere — have proved in-
fructuous.
I earnestly hope that the pregnant
facts here emphasised will be duly
weighed and reckoned with.
Meanwhile Athens is positively wee-
villed with Germans.
"Should your umbrella turn inside-out,
don't try that ' old woman's trick ' of pushing
it against the wall. Grasp it at tin- ferrule
end, with the right hand ; then place it behind
the body on the left-hand side. Next, place
the left hand on the hip with the ami en-
circling the stick ; then simultaneously pull
with the right hand and push with the left
arm. This sounds rather complicated but is
really very simple in practice."
Kreryw3man'$ Weekly.
It may l>e for Every woman ; but to the
mere man it seems like jiu-jitsu.
386
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [NOVEMBER 10, 1915.
THE GAP.
1 ALWAYS try to be neighbourly, but
people who keep hens which are not
chained up are a nuisance.
There is a small paddock at the
bottom of my garden belonging to a
man named Petherton, and, owing to
the Statute of Mortmain or some other
silly old enactment, the hedge dividing
this field from my garden belongs to
Petherton. Of course it does not on
that account refuse to act for both of
us. It does its best to bound my garden.
But the other day I noticed a fair-
sized
gap
in this
hedge.
I have no
objection to such a gap as a gap, but
when it acts as an early door for poultry
to enter my garden from Petherton's
demesne, it is time to see about it.
I saw about it. I wrote to Petherton
as follows : —
MY DEAR SIR, — I have
hesitated to draw your at-
tention before to a small
matter which is causing me
some annoyance, because I
dislike complaining, because
I hate writing letters, and
because I had not sufli-
ciently direct evidence till
to-day that any dependants
or chattels of yours, call
them what you \vill (I have
called them several names),
were the cause of the an-
noyance.
This morning, however, I
found my wife's favourite
flower - bed torn up, and
several feathers (enclosed)
adhering to my side of the
hedge (if either side of a _
hedge belonging to you can be said to
be mine) at the bottom of my garden.
If your hens wish to dig themselves
them some
your own
before my boot batteries had time to
get into action.
I am writing merely to prepare you
in case a similar raid should bo made
on your property, especially as the
predatory force was seen to be marching
in single file through a breach in your
own defences. How are your arti-
chokes ? Yours sincerely,
HENRY J. FORDYCE.
This elicited the following from
Petherton : —
Sin, — I have received tw7o absurd
letters from you and am as yet un-
decided whether or not to bring them
to the notice of the Lunacy Commis-
sioners. Personally I think you are
quite mad.
In reference to your imaginary
grievance
if
you
would
give your
wretched cat more to eat it would not
As regards your anxiety about
Thomas's internal affairs, 1 will make
further inquiries into his food accounts
and let you know the result. By the
odd lengths of wire
You might care to
Fond Motlier. "Ay, DEAB LAD, THERE'S NOT A DAY PASSES BUT
WHAT I THINK OP YOU IN THAT AWFUL SUB'ARINE, WITH ONLY THE
PEBISCUP TO BREATHE THROUGH."
in, could you not give
facilities for doing so on
premises, or at least prevent their doing
so on mine by repairing the hedge,
which, according to cap. Vic. (the com-
plete, reference escapes me at the
moment), is your concern and yours
only?
Trusting your late potatoes or early
onions, whichever it is that I can see
from my windows, are doing well,
I am, Faithfully yours,
HENEY J. FORDYCE.
As I didn't get any reply to this, I
be compelled to dig for food. The
noise it makes at night is appalling
and keeps both me and my poultry
awake.
The feathers you enclosed, and which
I return, are evidently either out of
your wife's boa, which I noticed last
Sunday is moulting, or belonged to
some victim of your poor starving cat.
Your imagination in the early morn-
ing is too vivid. You should consult
a doctor. Yours truly,
FREDERICK PETHEKTOX.
P.S. — I don't grow artichokes, po-
tatoes or onions.
I must be yet more friendly, I said,
for the sake of the garden.
way, I notice that Parsons, in the I [ig'n
Street, has some
netting for sale,
have a look at them.
Yours ever, HARRY FORDYCE,
Potherton's reply, after a few days,
was brief : — Go to the deuce. — F. P.
I thought I would try one even more
friendly letter before resorting to sterner
measures, so gave off the subjoined : —
MY DEAR OLD CHAP, — So many
thanks for your kind invitation, which
however it is absolutely impossi-
ble to accept for the present, as I
find on reference to my engagement
book that I am very full up for the
next week or two.
By the way, old man,
you were right about
Thomas, after all. It comes
of leaving these matters to
servants. However, I have
taken the matter in hand
myself at last. I have
changed his diet to Indian
corn and hot porridge, and
I have put up a dinky little
garden house for him, with
two or three cosy hay-lined
nests, and in each nest a
new golf- hall. The result
is astonishing. The dear
old tiling is showing his
gratitude in the only way
lie can. He lays one, two
and sometimes three eggs a
day. My wife is delighted,
as really fresh eggs are so
high in price just now.
So there is no need to worry about
the hedge, especially as I find that by
going down on all fours and peering
through the gap I can obtain a delight-
ful vista of meadow land, and such a
vista is always an attraction, don't you
think ?
Yours to a cinder, HARRY.
As I was shaving I saw Petherton
this morning blocking up the vista.
Selfish brute!
thought perhaps my letter was not I DEAR PETHERTON (I wrote), — Thanks
sufficiently friendly, so I tried again. for yours of uneven date (his figures
DEAR MR. PETHEHTON, — What a wet
day it has been to be sure ! My garden
is all mud and feathers, thanks to the
were illegible), and in reply I am sorry
to hear that you and your charming
fowls are such light sleepers. 1 know
rain and the inroad of a battalion of , that my cat is in the habit of meet-
star-spangled Wyandottes or blue- ing his friends after closing time, but
pencilled Leghorns, which attacked my , so far their conversations have never
premises at early dawn and retired disturbed my rest.
A Vocal Phenomenon.
"Miss Uerthii Lewis, the D'Oyly Carte
contralto, who is so rapidly coming to the front,
is in private life Mrs. Herbert Heyner. the
young baritone who has done such good work
in classic concerts." — Iii'icextcr Itail.
" Over the whole basin of the Atlantic there
is spread an enormously thick covering of
what seems to be mud, but is really a mixture
of tiniest shells, either perfect or in pieces,
that need the microscope to be seen. This is
called Globigcrina Ooze — just as if it were a
girl." — Cumberland Kreninij M/nL
We ourselves should never think of
giving a girl a name like that.
in, i9i5.] i-rxni.
TIII-: LONDON CUMMV.MM.
Sentry. "HALT! WHO GOES THEBK?"
Sentry. "PASS, FRIEND. ALL'S WELL."
> f
Rustic. "FBIKND!"
Rustic. "THANKEE, SlB. I'M BOBBY TO 'AVB WORK '*B, SlB ! "
ANOTHER GREAT SCANDAL.
DANGERS OF MOON : ACTION DEMANDED.
The Globe has ever been in the fore-
most rank of vigilant critics of affairs.
The Glube's motto, taken from the im-
mortal works of CHARLES DICKENS —
himself, in his attacks on the Circum-
locution Office and the methods of the
Court of Chancery, no mean forerunner
of "C. P."— is, to quote Mr. Weller,
"Ain't nobody going to be wopped for
I his here?" and The Globe intends to
he true to it, come what may.
In pursuance of our policy of watch-
fulness \ve are forced to-day to protest
with all the eloquence and fervour left
over from our great Reprisals Meeting
at Croydon against the appalling and
perilous lolly on the part of the
Admiralty — or is it the Home Office?
but certainly one or other of these
mutually elusive criminals — of allowing
the moon to ho seen from the Eastern
Counties. Nothing could be more cal-
culated to upset our nerves than this
singularly obsolete although intrusive
planet. For bij some curious chance
it rides orer Hie (.'it;/ e.nictli/ like a
Zeppelin. Think of the feelings of a
citizen who, suddenly looking up, sees
above his head what at the first blush
is nothing but a highly illuminated air-
ship, obviously filled with bombs. How
can such a man go about his business
with a rightly balanced mind ? How
can he carry out the delicate tasks
demanded of him and of all of us if
the War is to end in our favour ? He
is deranged, unbalanced, and everyone
must suffer.
We wish to bring no Government
down, but we say with conviction that
if the moon is not eclipsed the Cabinet
will be, and justly too. For several
days every month the moon is not
visible. What the Globe demands to
know, and insists upon learning, is this:
If the moon can be hidden far part of
the time, win/ cannot it be hidden
for all the time? The matter is of
tremendous importance strategically,
because so clever are our enemies that
very shortly they will be sending to
England a Zeppelin so like the moon
that wo shall make no effort to stop
it : and then where will London be?
\\V call upon Mr. BALFOUR to act im-
mediately ; or, if it is not Mr. BALVOUR,
then Sir JOHN SIMON.
The moon must be extinguished.
Surely the task presents no real difli-
culties. Placed in the hands of Mr.
GRAHAME WIHTK, who spoke so nobly
at Croydon, although no one outside
The Globe has been permitted to read
his remarks, the thing could be done.
The fleet of aircraft could be so dis-
posed that they formed a sufficient
screen between London and this dan-
gerous luminary. We shall return to
the subject again unless something U
done. Never will we rest until the
Admiralty — or the Home Office — has
done its duty. C. P.
p.S. — We are aware that the moon
is alleged to keep Zeppelins away, hut
we have started this scandal and can
allow no argument to stop us.
An International Affair.
"BarnsH SCBMABIXE'B CLKVEB EXPLOIT.
ITALIAN IIINKH SI/SK.
GF.RMAN APOLOGY TO SWITZEM.ASD."
Provincial Paper Headlines.
The Simple Life.
' • Wanted, Shepherd : must be nsed to feed
ing on roots."— 7V Hereford Tmifx.
333
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [NOVEMBER 10, 1915.
BLANCHE'S LETTERS.
GEORGIAN AND OTHER REVIVALS.
Ftcaimash Well*.
DEAREST DAPHNE, — There's quite a
little vogue this autumn for our home-
made Spas and Wells, and this place
in particular is full of people one knows.
But you mustn't think we 're here
merely for a holiday. No, my Daphne,
we 're all, in a sense, " broke in the
War" — that's to say, we're suffering
from the effects of War-work of some
kind. Myself, I 'm being treated for
munition wrists. Beryl and Babs have
shell-makers' crouch to such an extent
that Sir William Kiddein orders them
to lie flat on their hacks for ever so
long each day. In the intervals of
our treatment, however, we 're giving
back its youth to this dear old place.
We crowd the Pump Room, we stroll
up and down Quality Walk, and we
shop in Farthingale Street.
It was my idea to adopt the manners
and so on of the poor dears who en-
joyed themselves here ages ago, and I
lead a set who carry quizzing-glasses,
and sayt " La, you now ! " and " My
dear creature, I 'm infinitely obleeged to
you," and all those darling old fancy-
dress phrases ; and we have ridottos at
the Booms, and dance minuets (they
begin as minuets, but they generally
end as something livelier). Popsy,
Lady Ramsgate, who 's being treated
for Zeppelin eye (through looking up
into the sky tco long with a telescope),
tries, as usual, to outdo us all in digging
up the past, and has herself carried to
the Pump Room in a Sedan - chair.
She had a little trouble with her chair-
men one day when they set her down
farther from the door than she wished.
"Marry, come up, varlets," she said
(rather mixing up her centuries) ;
" Oddsboddikins, 'tis a plaguy wet day."
And the men said they wouldn't have
such language used to them, that they
were respectable working men, and
they'd lay the matter before their
trades union, and I don't know what
would have happened if Norty hadn't
been just coming out of the Pump
Room. He settled it and pacified them.
Yes, Norty came here during his
short leave (you heard how he 's dis-
tinguished himself as a flight-com-
mander, dropping something on some-
thing somewhere and being decorated
by our darling French allies). He
threw himself heart and soul into cur
eighteenth - century pose ; set up a
snuff-box and took delicate pinches out
of it, and said " Foregad ! " and " Gad-
zooks ! " and " You divert me vastly,
child," and was altogether deliciously
Horace Walpoley, with a dash of BEAU
BRUMMEL thrown in.
Sir William Kiddem, who comes to
see after us regularly, says it 's a par-
ticularly happy idea to revive the past,
as it's imperative that our thoughts
should be taken off the present during
our cure. He 's sent some immensely
complicated cases here — dear Stella
Clackmannan, for instance, who was
suffering from neuro- committee -itis.
She was chairwoman of dozens of com-
mittees ; and at last the breaking point
came, and Sir William sent her here.
She 's to amuse herself as much as
possible, has electric head - massage
every day over the part of the brain
that 's used for organising, is never to
see anyone knitting, or sewing, and the
word "committee" is never to be said
in her hearing. The dear thing is
better now, but at first she was in a
ghastly state. Every night she dreamed
of knitted mufflers and mitts, and
once, she told us, she had a frightful
nightmare, when the whole world
seemed to be made of purls ! And
whenever and wherever she saw a
number of people she tried to form
them into a committee ! We used to
persuade her to go home then and take
a tabloid.
My dearest, do you care to hear a
storyette with just a little creep in it ?
Ecoute, done. I drove out to Oldpark
one afternoon, and among the callers
was a certain Colonel who 's in com-
mand of a certain camp not a thousand
miles away. He 's a rather grim and
very, very military Colonel, enormously
keen on recruiting, and considered by
many people (himself included, I be-
lieve) to resemble a very Great Man
indeed. Well, Eleanor Oldpark was
chatting to some of us, and she
happened to say that, while some
people were staying there lately, they
all amused themselves one evening by-
dressing up in some of the antique
velvets and brocades out of the historic
Oldpark wardrobe. The Colonel, who
was silently and busily drinking tea and
eating sandwiches, suddenly weighed
in with, "That must have been the
evening I trespassed en your grounds,
Lady Oldpark. I wanted to take a
short cut over to the depot, and I passed
across your lawn, below the terrace,
and saw one of your masqueraders ;
what 's more, I spoke to him and tried
to scoop him in — you know I never
lose an opportunity of scooping 'em in.
Did he mention it by any chance ? "
"No," said Eleanor, and added,
" There were no shirkers in tha party,
Colonel." " Glad to hear it," he
answered. " But when I saw my fine
young gentleman, with a wigful of
great long curls and a little fancy hat
atop of it, and a long flapped •waistcoat
and wide-skirted coat, and shoes and
stockings, and a play-sword by his side,
I couldn't help saying, ' Young fellow,
my lad, are you doing anything for
your country?' and, as he didn't
answer, I said a word or two more.
Sorry if it was undeserved, but he
should have said so."
Eleanor looked puzzled. " None of
them was dressed in the fashion you've
described. Indeed, we 've nothing of
that exact period in the wardrobe."
" But, my dear lady, one of them
must have been dressed so, for I saw
him," persisted the Colonel ; " he came
down the steps of the terrace to get
some cool air after dancing, I suppose
— a tall, well set-up young fellow; I
saw him quits plainly in the moonlight,
with his long curls, and his silks and
velvets and his shoe - buckles and all.
When he didn't answer my first ques-
tion, I told him this was no time
for dancing about dressed up in the
trumpery of the past ; that he ought to
be in the dress of to-day — khaki. But
he made as if he didn't hear, and went
off across the lawn and vanished in the
shadow of the trees."
Eleanor Oldpark had turned quite
pale; she looked at us all, and said.
with a strange little laugh, "My dear
Colonel, you are indeed zealous in
scooping 'em in ! You 've tried to re-
cruit our Family Ghost."
A delicious creep went through every-
one but the Colonel, and Eleanor con- |
tinued, " I've never seen him, but !
others have. It 's Gervase, second
Baron Oldpark, who lived in ANNE'S
reign. He 's seen on a certain autumn
evening, the anniversary of the duel in
which he fell. The story goes that,
instead of finding somebody's wife or
sister (whichever it may have been) at
the trysting-place, he found somebody's
husband or brother, and the fatal duel
followed."
The atmosphere got so eerie that I
tried to lighten it by saying, "jlo\v
consumedly interesting ! " as we should
say at Beaunash Wells. "But, my
dear Colonel, I should have thought
you were the last person to see a
ghost!"
" According to Lady Oldpark, I am
the last person to see one," retorted
the Colonel, taking another sandwich
(either he thought Eleanor out in her
facts, or is absolutely ghost-proof).
"But why didn't the fellow tell me
what a good reason he had for not
enlisting ? Two hundred is a good hit
over the military age ! "
Ever thine, BLANCHE.
"The modern Herod has seen the writing
on the wall." — Morning Paper.
Just as if he was the ancient BELSIIA/:-
ZAH.
MKEU 10. 1915.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
Regimental Humourist (arriving with tlie relief ju$t as mortar goes off). "BLIMEY, BILL! THESE TUENCHES AIN'T BAI
HOLDING THE LINE.
THIS, let me say at once, and thus
avoid all false pretences with those
readers whose appetite for military
matters is never satisfied, is not a
military article. The line is not a line '
of entrenchments on any of the many
fronts ; and the article therefore con- '
tains neither instructions to officers
how best to hold it (although no doubt,
being only a layman, I could give them
priceless counsel), nor a description of
the way in which it is being held. I
regret and I apologise ; but there it is. '
The line, on the contrary, is the tele- •
phono line which several times a day •.
some one tells me to hold ; and if I '
were asked to specify the minutes of
my life which I most regret, which
have been most irremediably misspent,
1 should name those occupied in this
way.
You know the formula. First you
get the number, and then the reply,
and then you ask for the person you '
want and who, of course, has not come,
to the instrument.
" Is that Mr. Blank ? " you say.
(This is not really his name.)
"No."
"Is Mr. Blank there?"
" I '11 see." Then the deadly words:
" Hold the line."
Now the dreary interlude sets in.
You sit still with the receiver at your
ear, gazing at nothing, waiting and
waiting. Sometimes you hear echoes,
faint reflections, of other people's talk.
You hear muffled calls at the exchange.
You change hands. You drum on the
table with the disengaged fingers. You
yawn. You click your tongue. Then
the voice of the operator says sharply,
" Haven't they answered ? " and you
explain your horrid situation.
You want to read, but there is nothing
within reach, and you daren't let go of
the receiver. You want to write, but
with only one hand this is impossible
because the paper slips about. You
wonder how a country can expect to
win a war if it can't even invent a
simple ear clip for such occasions,
liberating botli hands.
More muffle:! hells; more faint voices.
Then the voice of the operator says,
"Have you finished? " and you sup-
press the temptation to tell her more or
less what you think of her impatience,
and indicate that, so far from finishing,
you have not yet begun.
You attempt to visualise the idiotic
person at the other end who is, or is
not, trying to find Mr. Blank. Where
cm Mr. Blank be? Upstairs, down-
stairs ? How can any living man be so
long ? Perhaps lie has suddenly died.
Perhaps the intrniifdwry is dead. You
get very cross and wish a terrible
doom to fall on telephones and their
inventors. You wonder what life
would be like if the telephones were
abolished — how soon one could readjust
oneself to the old happy pre-telephone
ways. You change hands again. You
see things in the mom that you have
never seen before — patches on the
ceiling, stains on the wall. That will
mean a decorator's bill. You grow
despondent and realise that everything
that made life possible is over and
done with. Nothing now but dreari-
ness and probably ill-health. You hate
390
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [NOVEMBER 1C, 1915.
V '•( n
•
LE MOT JUSTE.
'I DON'T LIKE TO SEE A LADY DRESSED LIKE THAT, DO YOU, MUM? Il MAKES HER LOOK SO Sl'SI'/CCOl'S."
everybody, but most of all Mr. Blank
and his criminal clerk or servant or
whoever it is that he has selected to
answer calls and humiliate you.
The operator again asks if you have
done, and you daren't trust yourself to
say more than a passionate "No." You
change hands again. You begin to say,
"Are you there?" but without hope.
You would like to rattle the thing the
receiver holds down, but you are afraid
it would get you cut off. You be-
come stupid and numb.
And then suddenly you are snatched
out of a state of stupor and helplessness
by a voice at the other end which
makes you jump infernally and informs
you that Mr. Blank cannot bs found.
Such are some of the miseries of
holding the line.
In default of a simple contrivance,
either for fixing the receiver to one's ear
or arranging the receiver on a rest at
an angle so that one could lean one's
car against it and have free hands,
Cinnot something be done to relieve
the tedium of this bitter process ?
Could not the Post Office provide broad-
sheets, in the manner of The Times,
but more sparkling, printed on cards
on one side only, suitable for grasping
with one hand ? Now that the mon-
strous sum of threepence is charged
for a call there should be a balance
for such things. Every telephone sub-
scriber to be provided with a packet
each week. They might be called
" Holding without Tears." But, per-
haps, to improve the instrument were
simpler.
If, when the time comes for me to
die, I am still not ready to relinquish
this odd fever called life, and a good
fairy appears at the bedside and offers
a boon, I shall ask for the restitution
of all the time I have spent " holding
the line." Then I shall practically
live for ever.
The Nessus Brand.
In the Board of Trade Journal,
under " Openings for British Trade,"
we read : — •
"Machinery for making adhesive paper
shirts . . . (Greece)."
Our Experts.
"Instead of withdrawing troops from the
Turkish zone of operations, we must increase
them ; we must cease making war in driblets ;
instead of regiments, we must pour in bat-
talions."— Mr. A. O. Hales.
THE SEVEN SPELLS.
A KOMANCE OP THE NEAR EAST.
It sounds like a fairy story, but it is
only the way The Manchester EvKiiitu/
News spells the name of a certain Ser-
bian town ; and all in one edition too : —
" Kraguyevatz.
Kraguyvatz.
Kraguievatz.
Kragievatz.
Kraguyevac.
Kragujcvacs.
Krabujovacs."
From a report of Mr. ASQUITII'S
speech in an evening paper : —
" How has this gigantic force been got to-
gether by a nation which has never aspired
to be a military Poker ? "
The Germans believe it is by sheer bluff.
" In the House of Commons, Mr. Asqulth
made his promised statement on the military
situation. The chief points in the speech will
be found on p. , and the text on p. ."
Scotsman.
The PHIME MINISTER will have a word
with the Censor about this.
"5s. Eeward paid anyone finding largo
black and white cat, busy tail."
Leicester Daily Mercury,
The description hardly seems suffici-
ently distinctive ; all cats have tails
like that.
ON (-HAR.VAn-NovKMBBB 10
THE SELF-INVITED GUEST.
SULTAN (with resignation}. " ALLAH'S HAND IS INDEED HEAVY ON HIS CHOSEN.
NOVEMBER 10, 1915.] I'lNdf, OR TIIK LONDON CHAIMV.MM.
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
(EXTRACTED FROM TIIK DIAKY OK Tonv, M.P.)
House of Commons, Titfmlni/, Xovem-
Icr'lwl. — In anticipation of speech of
PRIMK MINISTER House thronged as it
is only on historic occasions. Seats
being appropriated by early comers,
Members overflowed the side galleries;
clustered at the Bar, remaining stand-
ing through full length of PREMIER'S
longest recorded speech ; a few old
stagers accommodating themselves on
steps of SPEAKER'S Chair.
Notable among Peers in their gallery
was JACK FISHER. Had satisfaction
of hearing two tributes paid to him by
Bead of Government. Humour, current
at the time, that First Sea Lord had
"doubts and hesitations" about sending
Fleet to force Dardanelles without co-
operation of Army was
confirmed. Also it is to the
inventive genius of Lord
FISHER, operative in anti-
cipation of events in the
Mediterranean, that " the
Admiralty built specially
constructed vessels that
have done magnificent
work."
PREMIER usually man-
ages to compress within
space of forty minutes his
nost momentous speeches.
This afternoon spoke for
two hours less ten minutes.
One of opening sentences
truck predominant note.
If, lie said, any thought it
was his duty to appear in
guise either of a criminal
in the dock making best
possible defence of doubtful past, or
even of white-sheeted penitent with
candle in either hand doing penance
and asking for absolution, they would
be disappointed.
Who such expectants were he made
clear in what he called a passing notice
of "a small coterie of professional
whimperers who keep us supplied and
keep our enemies supplied with a daily
diet of falsehood."
This the sole reference made under
provocation — not unparalleled, since
PITT in analogous circumstances more
than a century ago suffered similar
assault, but discouraging for an over-
worked statesman.
For the rest, after plain statement of
situation in the Dardanelles, in course
of which lie vindicated WINSTON from
charge confidently made that he was
personally responsible for plan of cam-
paign, he frankly acknowledged that
disappointment, 'had attended diplo-
matic action of the Allies in relation to
the Balkans; undertook, amidst out-
bursts of cheers, that Serbia \\ill not lie
abandoned; protested that he ha-1 DO Till'. TIM Til ABOlTTHI
insurmountalile objection tocompulsory j DI:MC M:
sen-ice in time of war, if voluntaryism needs alx.ve all else at tli .ro i»
proved a failure; announced devolution unity and a clear lead. I
to small Comniitte' of direction of
strategical conduct of the War ; and
declared more confidently than ever that
a righteous cause would IKS carried to
a triumphant issue. For himself, he
was not going to shift the burden laid
be led but it can no longer brook shilly
shally and divided councils and con-
fusion in high places. A |x>int of tin-
greatest moment has arisen with regard
to the Duke of \VKi.i.i.s<iTON'i»bo«
which connection 1 for one find myself
upon him until he was satisfied that he c pletely bewildered. In a recent
could not bear it or thai it could be number of The Spectator a quaint and
better borne by others. ; instructive little story was related.
Greeted with friendly cheers when he The Duke of Wr.i.i.isuTos, *••
entered House after nearly a fortnight's told, was on board a passenger ship in
absence from illness, and again when ho a storm. Ho asked the Captain if there
rose to speak. Applause loudest whi-n was any danger, and, on being informed
he concluded a luminous and spirited that there was, he replied. "'?!•
story. will go downstairs and put on my
Business done. — PRIME MINISTER boots." (The DUKE was a soldier
rather than a sailor, or
he would never have said
•' downstairs.")
Tin ^ .improving
the occasion with its usual
pointed skill, went on to
say with splendid emph-
asis, " Let the nation go
downstairs and put on its
boots ! " Now that, Sir,
was all right ; we knew
where wo were. But un-
fortunately in the next
number of the paper ap-
peared a letter from a
correspondent who gave
another version of the
story. The Captain of the
ship, it seems, informed
the DUKE that she was
likely to founder. And
what did the Man of Iron
made long-expected speech on War reply ?— " Then I need not take off my
situation. Interesting, occasionally boots."
animated, debate followed.
MISSED OPPORTUNITIES.
How THE PRIME MINISTER MIGHT HAVE BRIGHTENED PARLIAMENT
BY APPEARING AS CRIMINAL OR PENITENT.
Prodigious.
"F.E.,1 as he is still called, reaches his
latest exalted position at the early ago of 4.
There have been few more striking instances
of rapid promotion." — Daily Dispatch.
Few, or even none.
" TRAVELLER wanted to push dressmakers
in town ; liberal encouragement."
Glasgoie Herald.
Ought the Glasgow police to allow this
sort of thing ?
" Herr Karl Rosncr, special correspondent
of the LoJtal- A nzeigcr with the western armies,
gives some interesting figures as to thccolosral
expenditure of French and British shells,
Some Staff statistician has enabled the corre-
spondent to state that on a front breadth of
twenty-five yards one shell per minute, o-
3,630 per hour, was the average.'*
Morning Paper.
" Some " Staff statistician, indeed.
But my own recollection is — though
it is a long time since I heard the st ry
—that what the DUKE actually said,
on hearing that the* ship was sinking,
u as this : " In that case I must take
off my boots " (the better to swim).
Now, Sir, there can bo no doubt that
the Nation is quite" ready to follow the
lead of so happy a combination as the
Editor of The Spectator and the Duke
of WELLINGTON. But we must know
where we stand with regard to tl e-e
boots. Are we to put them on, or to
take them off? To go downstairs for
them, or to go to bed in them?
May I implore you to elicit for us
without delay an authoritative pro-
nouncement? lam, Yours faithfully,
A WILLING PATRIOT.
" Old Week-cud Cottage.— Kent (about one-
and-a-half hours by rail, two-and-a-quartcr
miles by road)."— Country Life.
Good old South -Eastern 1
394
PUNCH, OR TIIK LONDON CHARIVARI. [NOVKMI.™ JO, 1915.
Visitor. "How TERKIBLE THIS WAR is, MRS. WILKS 1 "
Mrs. Wilks. "HuSH, Miss! MY OLD MAN WON'T HAVE IT THAT THERE is ONE."
WAR'S SURPRISES.
MY friend Adolphus when at school,
Though always a persistent trier,
And not exactly held a fool,
"Was never reckoned as a "flier."
Perhaps it was his ducal name,
Perhaps his undistinguished features,,
That marked him out for satire's aim,
For schoolboys, are exacting
creatures.
He wasn't bad behind the stumps,
And would have played in the eleven,
But an untimely bout of mumps
Debarred him from that schoolboy
heaven.
He never shone at other sports ;
He wasn't brilliant or uproarious ;
And nearly always his reports
Summed up his work as "meri-
torious."
And so, whatever he essayed,
In spite of conscientious striving
He never thoroughly allayed
An unguessed passion for " arriving."
Too negligible to be feared,
Too inconspicuous to be courted,
His blameless way he safely steered
Until to Oxford he resorted.
Within his Alma Mater's gates
He neither stirred our praise or pity ;
He took a Third in Mods and Greats
Then gravitated to the City.
He passed completely from my ken —
Excepting at an Old Boys' muster
In ante-bellum days — and then
Emerged in unfamiliar lustre.
His trench had been severely shelled,
Two shots bang in the midst had
landed,
But when the wave of onset swelled
He bombed ten Bosches single-
handed.
He got his D.S.O. all right-
Some thought he 'd earned a higher
guerdon —
But still it broke the spell and quite
Eelieved him of a lifelong burden.
No longer could his fellows rate
His worth at little more than zero,
One golden hour " beyond his fate "
Had raised him to a full-blown hero.
Therefore believe him not who says
The past must be the present's
measure ;
The War-test works in wondrous ways
And brings to light undreamt-of
treasure.
School verdicts often turn out wrong,
And boys we thought were " small
potatoes "
We now admit were all along
Potential paladins or Catos.
Notice.
IN a recent article in Punch, entitled
" Tornliuson's Progress," there was in-
troduced a character of the name of
Miss Withers, and there was mention
of a house called Eossdene. It appears
that an actual Miss Withers, in whose
neighbourhood there is a house called
Rosedene, is under the impression that
she was referred to in the article. In
point of fact the character was purely
imaginary, and the author is neither
acquainted with this Miss Withers nor
with the neighbourhood in which she
resides. Mr. Punch absolutely repudi-
ates all responsibility for what was a
mere coincidence arising out of the use
of familiar names. At the same time
he regrets any annoyance that may
have liec-n suffered by the lady.
Commercial Candour.
Heading to an Indian catalogue : —
" HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY.
/I.I. I'RKVIOVS LISTS ARUHKUEBY CANCELLED.*
10, 1915.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVABI.
Lady (to policeman on duty). "On, HAVE YOU SEEN THE ZEPPELIN? WHICH WAV DID IT OO?"
J'oiicetnaii (in best official manner). "Up THE STREET OPPOSITE, MADAM, AND FIRST TURNING ON THE LEFT."
A GIFT SHELL.
I DIDN'T like the look of the thing
from the first. When Celia had removed
the two sandbags and the dirty straw
in which it had been packed, and it lay
revealed in all its frightfulness in the
biscuit tin, I said, " I wish he hadn't
sent it."
Celia seemed to think me rather
ungrateful.
" He must have gone to awful trouble
to get it past the Censor," she remarked,
shaking the box gently.
" Yes, I noticed the outside wrapper
had ' soiled linen ' on it — Don't do
that ! If you value our lives, the house
and all this side of the street for about a
hundred yards either way, don't bang
it about."
" It must have been banged about in
the post," she said very reasonably,
" and I want to see if there 's a note in
with it."
" Suppose," I said, " all the rough
handling it has been subjected to has
rai^-d it to — er, boiling point. The
works inside, you know — very sensitive,
I expect."
Celia took a stop back and sent
Barbara to play in the garden.
"I'm sure there's a letter under-
neath it," she said.
" Very well, then," I replied, and I
carried the box and its sinister contents
up into the spare bedroom.
We turned it out very carefully on
to the feather bed. Nothing alarming
happened, except that Celia dropped ;
the empty tin and frightened me rather
unnecessarily.
Then we looked for the note and
found nothing.
It was just after Celia had raised the
pointed end that I heard the noise.
" Listen," I shouted, pulling her
away. There was an unmistakable
clicking noise.
The next moment, while I was
rapidly considering what to do, Celia
dashed at the window, and for some
unaccountable reason flung it open,
and dragged me from the room by my
coat pocket.
\Vhen we had everybody safely in
the cellar I gave the gardener instruc-
tions through the grating. " The tulip
bed must be sacrificed," I said firmly,
" and as much of the lawn as you think
necessary. It must be at least eight
feet deep."
In half-an-hour I went out and
warned Brown next door. He seemed
rather anxious about his new summer-
house and asked if it would be possible
to turn the business end the other way.
I explained there and then that it was
nil business end, but sacrificed another
eighteen inches of the lawn in his
interests.
After lunch we brought it down.
The mattress was rather awkward at
the turn on the second landing, but we
managed all right until we reached the
bottom of the back staircase.
Then the gardener slipped, fell two
steps, let drop his corner, and the shell
rolled off.
Cook, who I always said would dis-
tinguish herself some day, caught it.
We got it buck on the mattress again
just before she fainted.
The evening post arrived as we were
all stamping down the tulip bed. Celia
read the letter, standing (the irony of
it) where the lawn had been.
" I bought the shell," she read, " off
a French soldier. When you turn the
fuse cap (the brass knob on the point)
the clock face appears in the opening
at the side. I expect you 've discovered
the way it works by now. Awfully
ingenious, these French fellows
"One can never be too careful,' I
said.
Celia smiled. I suppose there must
! have been something funny in Harry's
I letter. He rather prides himself on
his humour.
396
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [NOVBMBEB 10, 1915.
THE WATCH DOGS.
XXVIII.
MY DEAR CHARLES, — I hope this finds
you, as it leaves me, in the pink at
present. My letter is to he about
Headquarters. Later I'll tell you what
I see and hear when I circulate.
Any man can picture officers sharp-
ening their swords on the soles of their
boots, leaping lightly over parapets
and dashing into frays; and, if he can't,
there are artists enough to do it for
him. But no illustrated Sixpenny Press
has ever done justice to the stirring
picture, in all its gruesome detail, of A
Staff at Work. I am not staff, mark you ;
I am but a very poor relation of the great
Brass-hat family. For the moment,
however, I live among them and share
their hard lot, and, what 's more, I am
prepared to stand or fall with them.
Yes, Charles, there are those who will
tell you that Headquarters in general
exist merely for the purpose of prolong-
ing the War. I felt that way myself
in my troglodytic past ; but not now.
To the ladies the staff-officer is a tall
good-looking man who bestrides a horse
with a long tail and is never far away
from his Field-Marshal ; to the reader
of feuilletons he is a man of steel
nerves and cast-iron expression who
pores over maps, as often as not in an
ill-lit tent, and deals hourly with
questions of life and death in large
round numbers ; to the junior regi-
mental officer he is an unknown
quantity in a motor-car, always to be
saluted, whatever his rank, on the you-
never- know- and- its- best- to-be-on-the-
safe-side principle ; to the senior regi-
mental officer he is an enviable nuisance.
This is all very well, but what are the
facts? What is an M.G.G.S.? What is
a B.G.R.A. ? How does a D.D.V.S. get
to work? What are the habits and
peculiar characteristics of an A. M.S. ?
Distinguish carefully, extra marks
being given for neatness, between a
D.A.Q.M.G. and a D.A. and Q.M.G.
Which would you sooner be, and why
-^a D.D.S. and T, a D.A.D.T., or a
D. A.D.R.T. ? What relation, by blood or
marriage, is a D.A.D.S. to a D.A.D.O.S. ?
If an A.D.A.P.S. meets a D.A.D.M.S.
which calls the other ' Sir ' ? An army
being greater than a corps, and a major
being senior to a captain, the candidate
for honours is asked to suppose a
difference of opinion between an Army
Staff Captain and a Corps Staff Major
and to spot the winner. Lastly, if a,
Lieutenant-Colonel is removed from his
office of P.M. and returned to his regi-
ment (to command it), do you congratu-
late him warmly as upon an achievement
or do you hush the matter up as being
a first step on the downward path ?
Most men would answer these riddles,
if not in the words, at least after the
manner of the sentry whom you ask to
direct you to the G.S. Office (the gate
of which he guards, if he did but know
it). " I don't rightly know, Sir. I 've
only been in these parts a few weeks."
My servant, having wanted a new
tunic a very long time but having failed
for all his efforts to come by one, was
at last told by an old soldier, " There's
a knack about indenting, my lad, and if
you haven't got that you 're never
likely to get anything else." So I
believe, it requires a very high order of
brain and years of patient industry at
the Staff College to learn the system,
let alone how to work it. In fact,
when you 've proved yourself brilliant
enough to know exactly what a Staff
Officer is, you become, ipso facto, a
Staff Officer yourself.
You wcnder how I, whom you know
much too well to suspect of any intellect,
can kesp my end up in such an atmo-
sphere of knowledge ? It came about
like this. On September 25th last an
affair began which you may recall ; it
was officially known as " Giving the
Ger-dog the cold stomach." It was
an affair of some dimensions, but it was
no mere coincidence that it happened
all along the line at the same moment.
It wasn't that all the Generals, French
and English, chanced to lose their
temper with the enemy simultaneously.
No, Charles, strictly between ourselves,
it had all been arranged beforehand.
But it was a dark, a very dark secret ;
only those who had to know knew, and
there was more woe waiting for anyone
of them who let it out than there was
even for the Bosches. And the secret
was kept, and but for accident and
considerable tact I might to this day
be reckoned as one who knows nothing,
never knew anything, is never likely to
know anything.
It fell out about that time that I was
getting due for leave ; that is to say, at
the end of August my Colonel asked
me to name the happy day. He
thought I 'd be off at once ; but for some
private reason which I myself have
never been quite able to fathom, I must
needs select September 25th of all dates.
What 's more, I stuck to it for all his
efforts to put me off. He said I 'd be
late for the partridges ; he said I 'd be
early for the pheasants. I replied that
I was going to spend my time in
London, and there was no close season
for Zeppelins as far as I knew. " Very
well, then," he said hurriedly, " Sept-
ember the 5th be it." "The twenty -fifth,
Sir," said I. " Eight," he said, even
more hurriedly ; " I '11 put you down
for the 25th of October." " September,
Sir," I said.
Even in the G.S. office of an Army
at midnight a crowd will gather round ;
and about my Colonel, in his sore
dilemma, assembled a little group of
interested listeners. They became
aware of my existence, even of my
leave. When did I propose to take it?
" I had thought of September 25th," I
explained ; " but there seems to be
something . . ." My Colonel blushed
deeply, firmly closed the conversation,
and there ensued the stoniest silence
I ever remember to have been mixed
up in.
My duty takes me with messages to
most of the people who matter, and it
is their habit in the kindness of their
hearts to interest themselves, at the
conclusion of the interview, in my
private affairs. To all of thoni I men-
tioned my leave and September 25th.
I confess that after the first time or two
I did this on purpose. It was appar-
ently an excellent jest. It induced
them to smile mysteriously at me.
When people do that, I always, on
principle, smile mysteriously myself.
At the mention of that date they
would look anxiously at the door, to
see if it was shut, and then would ask
me in an offhand manner questions
which only the inmost inner circle
could be expected to answer. In matters
of opinion ( " How long will the War
really last ? " ) I would say my say : in
matters of fact I would say briefly I
didn't know. In both cases I got infinite
credit for extraordinary knowledge, but
more especially in the latter.
And so my reputation was created
in the highest quarters ; it very soon
spread down. When September 25th
arrived and the supposed inwardness of
all my mysterious smiling with regard
to it became apparent to all, I was a
made man. Nowadays, when other
people are asked to say what they think,
I am asked to say what I know. At
present I am unpopular, but pleasantly
unpopular, for my meanness, exceeding
that of the Bulgarians even, in not
warning people what was about to take
place in the East.
Very well, Charles, disbelieve me if
you will. But, say, how do yon ac-
count for my present official address,
which is (omitting, so to speak, the
number of the Street) Intelligence,
, B.E.F.
Yours ever, nevertheless, HENRY.
From a notice of Mrs. ASQUITH'S re-
miniscences of GLADSTONE : —
" Immediately after Miss Tennant's depar-
ture he, as was Mr. Wcmmick's custom on an
occasional afternoon, dropped into poetry."
Sunday Paper.
Shade of Silas Wegg (bitterly). " And
this is fame ! "
NOVEM»EB 10. 1915.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
Newly-arrived Subaltern. "Is THAT OUR WOOD?"
Captain. "WELL, NO. BUT WE HAVE THE SHOOTING OVEU IT."
RUM.
THERE is a nectar, not distilled
Where England's gods and princes
come,
Rather by men of meaner build
In needy streets is sometimes swilled
At no excessive sum ;
But here I deem it no disgrace,
When Sol sits down in Samothrace
And Father Achi hides his face,
To fill my flask with rum.
In this hush'd hour the peasant Turk,
The other side of yonder steep,
Walks home, I ween, from vineyard work
Through rock-strewn scrub where
lizards lurk
And snakes are going cheap,
To where in some deep-delved cell
His best Falernian goat-skins dwell,
And does himself extremely well
And settles down to sleep.
But it is now, when peasants play,
That soldiers' toils in truth begin;
We may do nothing all the day
But feebly wave the flies away
And let the best fly win ;
But with the dark arrive our rigours,
The bags, the bombs, the ceaseless
. diggers,
While foemen madly work their trig-
gers—
And that "s whore rum comes in.
It cheers me when the night is chill,
Or things particularly grave,
When only one lone sentry still
Is wakeful and prepared to kill
If Moslems misbehave ;
Or, while I crawl where no trench is
And spiteful missiles round me whizz
From someone in those cypresses,
It makes me almost brave.
And when I wake from some brief doze
To hear the great Red-Hats have
writ
That they have reason to suppose
This is the night our frantic foes
Intend to do their bit ;
And we sad souls till dawn must act
Like men about to be attacked,
And not a thing occurs, in fact —
I shall be glad of it.
At other times my tot I raise
And take it gingerly, like snuff,
Not with the wild convivial ways,
The deep long draughts of Oxford days;
It is not good enough ;
For, though in kindly terms I touch
On this rich stimulant, as such,
I cannot say I like it much,
Indeed I hate the stuff.
" Paper handkerchiefs arc to be provided for
the infants at Church Street School."
Wokiny Xcws <£ Mail.
Tishoo-paper, of course.
IN THE SUNDAY MANNER.
XIII. — BOMBY AND THE LlON.
BOMHY walked along witli his bow
and arrow as proud as a terrier with
1 two tails. Can't you see him, children,
in the mind's eye? And then — what
do you think '.'--suddenly appeared a
monstrous lion.
Was Bomby frightened? Not a hit.
He merely slipped behind a busli and
waited.
"What is it?" iiske.1 the Fluffy
Child.
" It 's a lion," said Hornby.
" What you going to do? " asked the
Fluffy Child.
" Shoot it," said Bomby.
" How splendid you are ! " said the
Fluffy Child.
" Aren't I ? " said Bomby.
The lion caiije on and then suddenly
it began to purr.
" It 's purring," said Bomby. " It 's
not angry at all."
So they got on its back and rode
home.
Wasn't that delightful, dear children ?
Wasn't Bomby splendidly brave ? Isn't
this a terrific story ?
[Next week another equally exciting
and thrilling adventure of Bomby
and the Fluffy Child]
398
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [NOVEMBER 10, 1915.
THE FOUR-POSTER.
" THERE he is," said Francesca. " I can hear his step on
the gravel."
"I'm glad he's come at last," I said. "This suspense
has been very trying."
"He's wearing a top-hat," said Francesca, peeping
through the window, " and a very nice-looking overcoat.
Eun and open the front-door for him."
"No," I said, "let the front-door be opened in the usual
way.
" No," she said, " you do it.
if we 're polite to him."
He '11 give us a better price
"THEIR MASTER'S VOICE" RECORD OF THE KAISER'S FAMOUS ADAPTA-
TION OP THE AMERICAN POEM (AS APPLIED TO THE GROWN PBINCE) : " I
WISH I'D RAISED MY BOY TO BE A SOLDIER."
" If he thinks we 're grovelling to him he won't give us
anything at all."
" Pooh," said Francesca. " I bet we shall get a hundred
pounds for it."
" I bet on a hundred-and-fifty," I said. " You must
remember it 's of the best period."
I ought, perhaps, to explain that this conversation re-
ferred to the old four-poster bed, the gift of Francesca's
grandmother, which for nearly twenty years had occupied
the greater part of the floor-space and wall-space in one of
the spare bedrooms. It was as lofty as it was otherwise
immense and gloomy.
Any guest who occupied j
it seemed to dwindle away
to a speck on its vast
acreage. It is related that
a young nephew, spend-
ing part of his last holi-
days with us, overslept
himself one fine morning,
and that the bed was
duly made over his body
without his presence
being noticed or suspected.
In consequence of Mr.
MCKENNA'S budget it had
now been decided that the bed was to be sold, and Messrs.
Spindlewood and Sons, the celebrated furniture people, had
sent their Mr. Jacobson down to inspect and appraise it.
I welcomed Mr. Jacobson in the hall and immediately
felt that paralysis of all the mental faculties which is apt
to overcome me in the presence of an expert.
" We will now," I said, " go up-stairs and I will show
you the corpus delicti."
" I beg your pardon," said Mr. Jacobson, " I thought I
was to see a four-poster bedstead."
" So you are, Mr. Jacobson," I said, " so you are."
" But the corpits ? " said Mr. Jacobson. " I think you
mentioned a corpus of some kind ? "
" Quite right, Mr. Jacobson," I said. " It 's been in the
family a long time, and that 's our pet name for it."
We had now reached the bedroom passage and in a
moment I had thrown open the door of the spare room and
had introduced Mr. Jacobson to his victim.
"There it is," I said, "as large as life and twice as natural,
ha, ha! "
" Oh, I don't know," said Mr. Jacobson. " I shouldn't
say it was quite as large as all that. They sometimes run
a good bit larger. We got a bed two years ago from Lord
Oldbury's house in Staffordshire — you may possibly have
been there ? "
''No," I said, "not exactly, but I've often heard about it."
" Ah," said Mr. Jacobson. " Then I daresay you heard
his bed mentioned. I don't think I 'm wrong in saying
that bed would give yours eighteen inches in length and a
foot in breadth."
" Indeed ? " I said coldly. " I shouldn't have thought
that was possible."
" Dear me, yes," said Mr. Jacobson. " I know of a bed
in Hampshire that you could pack this one up in and forget
all about it."
" Still," I said, " size isn't everything in four-posters.
This one is of the best period."
" Yes-um-yes," said Mr. Jacobson, " that 's just what
I 'm wondering about. There 's some good work in that
left-hand post at the foot — late eighteenth-century, I should
say, half-way up — but the rest of it 's been put in bit by bit.
I can see where it 's been joined up. Now this part at the
head —
"Ah," I said, "I've always understood that to be the
pride of the bed."
" It may be," said Mr. Jacobson dubiously; " but for my
own part I should say it 's a recent imitation of a post of
about 1740. He went up to it, tapped it with his knuckles,
scraped it with his thumb-nail and inspected it with a little
magnifying-glass which he took from his pocket.
" I thought so," he said. " Not a day earlier than 1860."
" But," I said, " they did good work in I860."
" Oh yes, I daresay they did," said Mr. .Jacobson, "but
it 's not the kind of work
that adds to the value of
an article. You see, Sir,
this bedstead of yours is
made up of several dif-
ferent periods. It hasn't,
so to say, got ii proper
period of its own. If I
was to describe it to you,
or to anyone else, for the
matter of that, us l:ol<>iif,r-
ing, say, to the eighteenth
century I should lie — er —
misrepresenting the facts.
It looks handsome in a
way, but it 's really too
much of a boteh-up to
command much of a price."
" But," I said desperately, " I thought four-posters were
always sure of a ready sale at a big price."
" Ah, Sir, there was a time when connoisseurs were after
them very hot, and many inferior articles were put upon the
market to meet the demand ; but that time 's over long ago.
Nobody wants to sleep in them and very few people want
to buy them now."
"That," I said, "is very depressing, Mr. .Tacohson.
What do you advise me to do about it ? "
"Well, Sir," said Mr. Jacobson," you could break it up,
you know, and either keep the posts as ornament stands or
give them away for wedding presents. Or we could take it
in part payment for two of our best walnut-wood bedsteads.
Or, if you like, we can put it into one of our sales and make
a try to push it up to five pounds."
Shortly afterwards I said good-bye to Mr. Jacobson and
reported the result of his inspection to Francesca.
" What," she said indignantly, " break up Grand-
mamma's four-poster, or exchange it for two modern beds,
or put it in a sale ? Never! We '11 keep it."
" Yes," I said, " and 1 11 go on telling people it 's of the
best period."
" I shan't do that," said Francesca. " I shall say that
some good nidges have attributed it to GEINLING GIBBONS."
==__= E- C. L.
A Handful.
" WANTED.— Good Plain Cook, House-Parlourmaid, and Nurse-
House-Maid to look after one little girl of five."— Hants Chronicle.
N,,v,.:M,,Kn_loLi9io.] PUNCH, OR Till- LONDON CHARIVARI.
HUMOURS OF A REMOUNT DEPOT.
LONG-DISTANCE GROOMING.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)
IN Eltham House (CASSELL) Mrs. HUMPHRY WARD returns
to her pleasant field of high politics in an expensive setting.
Alec Wing, heir of a fabulously wealthy and detached Whig
peer, runs away with Caroline, the beautiful wife of an
odious wooden baronet. He marries her in due course, and
after a decorous interval she comes back to be mistress of
the great Whig palace which old Lord Wing has generously
put at the disposal of the brilliant young couple. Outraged
society and the Nonconformist conscience determine that
Wing shall not get into the Government and that no
other women than an eccentric duchess, the ladies of the
Embassies, and exotic dancers shall appear at Eltham
House. Winy succeeds to the title and so cannot be kept
out of politics, but fails in his attempt to bribe and intrigue
himself into place. In his failure he deserts his adorable
Caroline, who, after trying to rival the Salon of the
Lady HOLLAND of the beginning of the last century, dies
of something like a broken heart. Caroline is a charming
pathetic figure, dexterously suggested. Winy is a bump-
tious ass, with little trace of the high talents claimed
for him. It is a curious trick of fate which lias set Mrs.
HUMPHRY WARD to boomerang-making. Not once, but
thrice in these last four years she has written books
which seem to bring damage by inference to the causes
and conditions she has at heart. I take it she approves
and thinks impressive the atmosphere of Eltham House,
gilt and marbled and pillared, lined with the family por-
traits of three centuries and stuffed with rare treasures
of art ; with its glitter and bustle ; its starred and be-
ribboned statesmen and ambassadors; its political chatter
and anxious wire-pulling, even though she deplores tin-
vagaries of its headstrong young master, Lord M'imj. But
in fact she contrives to make it all a little empty, unmean-
ing and unseemly — a good deal too much cry for so little
wool. And I conceive that, run as a serial by one of our
wrecking journals, the whole novel might have a quite
considerable success, in addition to that more flattering
welcome which the loyalty and gratitude of readers and
the author's competent handling of her well-dressed
marionettes assures her. One shining merit is that she is
herself alertly interested — always an infectious quality.
There is little point in attempting comparisons between
the various war-books that hare appeared during the past
year. Each has its individual excellence. If I were asked
to name the chief characteristic of War Pictures behind the
Lines (SMITH, ELDER) I think I should say cheerful com-
mon sense. Mr. IAN MALCOLM, M.P., writes of the War on
the Western Front as it appeared to him during his very
energetic employment with the British Red Cross Society.
That he happened also to be a trained observer and the
owner of a literary style were, so to speak, fortunate
accidents. The book is, as its dedication to the writer's
constituents says, primarily a record of work done. The
things seen come by the way. Part, a noble and terrible
part, of this work was concerned with the identification of
the graves of those who had fallen in action. This task at
400 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [NOVEMBER 10. 1915.
times led the party into dangerous places. Their reward Mr. LIA.SCEI,TUES' Tliirty-fiveYears in the New Forest (ARNOLD),
was the comfort they were able to bring back to many ( that his life had its compensations too. For, after spending
mourners at home, especially in their testimony to the love an hour or so in refusing to build a now bedroom or put in
and reverence with which these graves are tended by
French peasants and privates. There are many moving
instances of this. But the book is not wholly grave.
Mr. MALCOLM has to the full the brave optimism of the
busy worker, the very quality that he notices approvingly
in others. The illustrations are a very attractive feature of
the volume ; they range from reproductions of German
a lighting plant (or even in complying with such monstrous
demands), he could mount his pony and shoot deer, or call
out his spaniels and shoot pheasants, or even loiter among
the flowers of his pleasant and historic official residence,
King's House, Lyndhurst. One thing is certain from popular
testimony, and that is that the New Forest was never in
more capable or more sympathetic hands than in his long
bread-tickets to pictures and drawings by French artists i regency ; and this book proves that the Forest never had a
bearing upon the War. Of these latter, one especially, a ; better lover. As an author Mr. LASCELLES is easy-going
crayon drawing by OCHS of two amateur critics, entitled, j and communicative, and his volume, as the record of the life
" Si j'etais a la place de Joffrc," is a masterpiece of good- ' of an English country gentleman of sound sporting tastes,
and a right dislike of egg-collectors and the destroyers of
rare birds, takes its place among the more excellent out-
door literature.
humoured satire.
An Irish story from Mrs. FRANCIS BLUNDELL (M. B.
FRANCIS) possesses the added charm of novelty. But Dark
Eosaleen (CASSELL) shows her as much at home in Conne-
mara as in Wessex or Lancashire. There is indeed an
unusual beauty in the set-
ting of this tale ; and that
feeling which she always j
shows for the place-spirit,
by which the surroundings ;
of her characters become
an actual influence in
their development, has
never served her to better
purpose. The mist-laden
hills, the wet winds and
surging seas of Western j
Ireland have all been
brought into her pages,
so that the haunting, ex-
asperating appeal of them
is like that of the country
itself. This being said, I
have to confess that the
actual story seemed to me
unequal ; there are scenes
in it that could hardly be
bettered, others that leave
one unsatisfied. Perhaps this is because its motive is re-
ligious; and religion, which cannot always make a good man,
generally makes a bad novel. Dark liosalem is the tale of a
mixed marriage, between Ultra -Protestant Hector McTavisJi,
and Catholic Norah Burke. Hector and Pat Burke, peasant
lads both, had been brought up almost as brothers, till the
former is taken away to the North by his Protestant father,
and the latter becomes a priest. Exquisitely sympathetic
and tender is Mrs. BLUNDELL'S telling of the scene in which
Patsy's mother and dying father kneel to receive the first
blessing of their son. These chapters, indeed all the Con-
naught part of the book, are a delight to read ; but later,
when Hector has married Norah and taken her with him to
Ulster, though the contrast is well suggested, I could not
but feel that the story had suffered from the change of air.
The end, which I do not mean to tell, is unexpectedly
grim, but the horror of it is redeemed by a fine touch of
imagination.
Mr. GEBALD LASCELLES, formerly Deputy-Surveyor of the
New Forest (under the Crown), may have had his worries,
as every deputy-surveyor (under the Crown) must have,
for tenants are always tenants and related in one particular
(so other landlords tell me) to the daughters of the horse-
leech, to Olircr Ttri.il, and to the patrons of the present
Ambassadors' revue. But there is plenty of evidence, in
In Penelope's Postscripts (HODDEK AND STOUGHTON) it
seems to me that Mrs. KATE DOUGLAS WIGGIN has striven
at all costs to be " bright "
in the peculiar sense that
Americans give to that
word. Penelope herself
almost admits this when
she writes in the last
chapter, " And where is
Herself, the vanished
Penelope, you ask . . . ?
Well, if she is a thought
less irresponsible, merry
and loquacious, she is
happier and wiser ; " and
I could wish that I had
met her after her reforma-
tion instead of before it.
For the fact of the matter
is that in these Postscripts
Mrs. WIGGIN'S sense of
humour has been em-
ployed upon material that
has been already roasted,
hashed, minced and turned
into potato-pie until one is weary of the very sight of it.
Neither Mrs. WIGGIN nor anyone else can squeeze fresh fun
out of the idiosyncracies of the Welsh language or the
difficulties that the Briton has in coping with the speech
of Latin countries. I wish with all my heart she hud not
made the attempt, because in these days to abandon faith
in a humourist is to take a knock in the very vitals <>l
friendship.
Proprietor of Duttboro' Emporium (iritli admirable presence of miml).
'MB. BINKS, FORWARD!"
"WHY ZEPPELINS COME HEBE AT WILL."
Morning Paper Headline.
But they don't come at him ; they come from him.
From a book catalogue : — -
"60. Sinclair's Satan's Visible World Discovered.
61. Sinclair's Fifty Years of Newspaper Life."
Mr. PUNCH, on behalf of his contemporaries, begs to assure
his readers that the two things are not necessarily identical.
"First-class companies have been booked throughout the season,
including such as 'Diplomacy,' 'Mr. Will Grumpy,' 'Pearl Girl,'
'Potash and Perlumker,' 'Girl from Utah,' 'Marriage Market,'
'Oh, Oh, Dolphine,' and other London successes."
Official Guide to Rhyl.
We regret to see no mention of " The Man Who Stayed
at Rome."
NOVEMBER 17, 1915.]
PUNCH, OR TIIK LONDON (Ml A III \ AIM.
To combat espionage the Fi
CHARIVARIA. Government ha; put up n
AT the LOUD MAYOR'S banquet, the " I'oi't, Talk," " !'••• I1 • •
FIRST LOUD OK Tin: ADMIUAI.TY said mies are Listening." in public p
that the whole, strategy of the Allies i,, mid vehicles. In the cm-mils' an COB a
I on the Fleet. This will, we hope, contemporary's comment upon the in-
ii, apparently current in '
certain quarters, that it ought to be
i\* that
.•III VYll.
based on Reel Street
t I
In replying I o the toast of t!ie Services
Mi'. BAWOUB showed something less
than liis usual felicity of diction when
iid that " in ordinary poace-times
ilie Xavy and Army are diunk as part
of the ordinary routine of any public
ceremony." % -
We read that the Bulgarians
.)ht ained much valuable booty
in Nish, which, in a telegram
modulation to its captor,
KING FKKDINAND described as
"a general castle of treachery'
and lies." This is the first inti-
I J
(eminent of MrMM, the
grower — that his nai \\a^ s\nony
mous.with everything French — except
the four letters it contained" — was
singularly inappropriate.
According to a Dutch paper the
reprieve of Count HKMI'TINXK. a
Belgian nobleman sentenced to dcitli
by a German court-martial, was due
to the fact that his relatives paid a
random of two million francs. The
i •
isjivow it
;
mation we have had
Bulgar was running
those commodities.
that the
short of
A certain public department
recently sent to headquarters
the usual' requisition form for
office necessaries. In reply
came a circular emphasizing the
need for economy, and a letter
explaining that every article but
one had been reduced by one-half.
The exception was Ked Tape,
another proof of the indomitable :
persistency of "the thin red line." j
WHY DON'T YOU OPEN THE WINDOW, GHANDFATHEB, AND
I LET SOME OF THE SMOKE OUT?'
"NOT LIKELY 1 LOOK WHAT I 'VK GOT TO PAY AN OCSCE
; •«••• i Fon IT NOW."
may be idiomatically rendered :
of the
The latest variant
classical phrase runs : Timco
Dttnaos ct dona petentes, and]
I arn a little uneasy about very
benevolent neutrality seeking a loan."
:',: ;|:
A sheep carrying in its shoulder a
Germans spared the hemp and kept
the remainder. $ <,
*
Overheard in the "Eastern Counties"
•lit- /
should 11
and i'
to kindling wood." This seems t
a-i unf.iii un e\i •
material. After nil, kindling w.
often used to kindle som< |>eci-
ally when accompanied by a few scraps
of not-' p i piT. e ^
All the romance is going out of life.
At an American maternity hospital
tliey take a print of the foot of every
child within an hour of its birth, with
the result that it is impossible for any of
the in'ants thus treated to be "changed
at nurse." If this sort of thing
s allowed to go on a large
uimlx-r of deserving n
ml dramatists will find tha'
they luiVi) UMMI literally -tamped
>ut of existence.
* 0
On 3 of our Ministers has a
ii'vance ag.iinst Tlir Obnrrrrr.
He startetl to read an article
Churchill."
and then found it was only a
Life of the first Duke of M u<i.-
BOROriill.
Dclikateuen.
"Congratulations were of!.
I. on! IV KniiiM-y c>n his mfr return
lr>m (Ii-riiiniiy. His Lord-ihip made
;i brirf iirkimwli'tlgment, ntifl re-
nt irk.-.l : ' Ko.ist Roat and sour trout
sin- not very good things fc>
1'cterboroiijlt and llunli Sl.tndarJ.
"(lirl Wanted to taku out daily
little Ix.y, HKod 3."
Jlirminjliatn Daily Mail.
In his daily mail-cart, we sup-
pose.
A sneep carrying m n-s »HOU«J
small fragment ofshell realised five Aprons of a recent^.r-ra.d
pounds six shillings at a charitable sale
the other day; and oyster-sellers are
c uitemplating a sympathetic rise in
the price of their commodities.
# *
After quoting Mr. ASQUITH'S words,
"I am determined to win this war,"
Dcr Tag observes sarcastically, " These
words will he immortal. They will cause
My Aunt's
table for a
in a terrible state at
been under the kitchen
fortnight."
The darkened streets of London are
said to be responsible for the abandon-
ment of the annual show of the London
Cage Bird Association, the oldest bird
club in the United Kingdom. We OUT-
words will bo immortal. They win cans ~y~ --
his memory to live so long as the history selves have noted .decided
of nations and of their wars remains on nat.on on the part of .
-
the records of time." For once Dcr Tug
nrobably deviated into accuracy.
By a strange mistake the establish-
ment of a new glove industry in New-
castle is described as an outcome of the
War. In reality wo are just taking
the gloves off.
out late these nights
* *
*
Climatic conditions, we are told
prevented the King of BULGARIA from
making a flight in the Zeppelin wind
arrived at Sofia the other day. Poo
IV.KDINAND is a perfect martyr to col
Mr. Lansing is trying to arrange with the
British authorities with a view t/. publication
f the Note on Morning morning.''— Scotsman.
And Sir EDWARD GI<KY, breaking into
he Scottish vernacular , replied " I will
do it the morn's morn."
Suggested War-song for those mem-
bers of Volunteer Corps who want to
»o to the Front : —
"Tommy, make room for your Uncle."
••The farmers take a great pride in their
hedges, which are fenced on the inside with
two lines of wife to prevent thf (Mttle from
eating the foliage."— Xortlifrn Kclio.
In imitation of the Germans' methods
in Belgium.
-'The Cabinet is being strongly pressed to
invite one or mon> I'n-iu h generals to sit on
the new General SUff."
Erminy Times nnc? Echo.
It is believed that the Cabinet itself
effectively sat on the old one.
VOL. cxr.ix.
402
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[NOVKMHKH 17, 1915.
WAR NOTES.
THE report, published in the evening Press of last
Wednesday, that a meeting was being arranged between
l he Kings of Bulgaria, Greece and Rumania, at Bukarest
still lacks official authority, though it lias since been
confirmed by the Panama correspondent of an Amsterdam
paper, and by our own representative at Monte Carlo, the
latter adding the further interesting statement that this
conference of Balkan monarchs 1ms been summoned by
Lord KITCHENER.
The enthusiasm aroused by President WILSON'S latest
Note to Great Britain has distracted the attention of the
American public from t.lu>case of Herr FAY and his accom-
plices. It is felfc that, while any attempt on the part of
these gentlemen to blow up American ships at the insti-
gation of the German Foreign Office should be discouraged,
the matter is one of minor importance as compared with
the necessity of insisting that Great Britain should adopt
the German ideal of the freedom of the seas.
In view of the familiar behaviour of its captain and crew,
the opinion is widely-held that the submarine which sank
tbe Ancona was a German U-boat masquerading under the
Austrian Hag, and the Italian Government is gravely
considering whether, now that Germany is at war with
Italy, the friendly relations between these two countries
can any longer be .usefully maintained.
The advertisement given to The Daily Teletjraph in the
buckmasterful speech from the Woolsack (subsequently
endorsed by Lord ROBERT CECIL) lias given great satis-
faction to the staff of that journal, who now sing every
night a chantey beginning, " Buck, master, buck ! On,
STANLEY, on ! " Unhappily this gratuitous reclame is said
to have caused considerable umbrage in Carmelite House,
and it is doubtful whether The Daily Mail will see its
way to continue extending to the Government its whole-
hearted support. ' .
The rumour that Mr. ANNAN BRVCK, M.P., whose recent
activities in the House at Question-time have been excep-
tional, has been invited to -join the Serbian Headquarters
Staff in an advisory (civilian) capacity is still unconfirmed,
but in the meantime it lias been well received in British
Ministerial circles.
Our Plenipotentiary at Eleusis reports that an Iron Cross
is about to be conferred upon KING CONSTANTINE by his
Imperial brother-in-law. Following the precedent of his
namesake, the EMPEROR CONSTANTINE, the inscription will
run : In hoc signo vinccs.
We have it from our representative in Stony Arabia
that a special camel, of thoroughbred extraction, is now in
training for the imminent entry of KAISER WILHELM into
Baghdad.
Sir HERBERT TREE, in his lecture on "Humour in
Tragedy " (reproduced in the current issue of The Enylixh
Review), gives the following advice: " When the hour [of
victory] strikes let the note be solemn. Let us have the
humour to go forth to greet the Angel of Peace with
anthems rather than with comic songs. " It is not every-
body who could be trusted to appreciate the subtlety of
this facetious homily, but we feel confident that the Angel
of Peace, whose keen sense of humour is notorious, will be
vastly tickled by it. O. S.
THE TELEPHONE AT THE FRONT.
DEAR MR. PUNCH, — I have not yet received my second
pip. I know fellows who were gazetted days after me who
have two, while I remain, in spite of my peculiar qualifi-
cations, a mere Second Lieutenant. Clarence, for instance,
has two, and he merely lets out mo-bikes. As for ex-
plaining how a telephone works to a red-hat, why, he
wouldn't know which end to speak into; and I don't think
he ever humps' into the Staff at all.
On tbe other hand, I suppose I know more about the
ways of Staff Officers than they do themselves. Of course,
that 's my metier. You know the man at home who comes
to the back door with a little black bag and a two days'
beard, and says be 's come to mend the telephone ; and you
say, " Oh, very well, I suppose it 's all right ; lot him come
in, but keep an eye on the spoons'.'" Well, that 's me -
out here.
I am the man who brings the telephone to the Staff.
They all want it— the D.D.M.S., the A.P.M., the E.T.O.—
all of them, and I have to take it to them and show
them how it works.
The other day I built a telephone line out to Divisional
Headquarters at . On the terrace of the chateau was
a Staff Officer in full bloom — all gold and crimson in the
October sunshine. I saluted smartly.
" Good morning, Sir; I 've brought you a telephone."
" By Jove," said the Staff Officer, " splendid. That 's just
what we want — what? I say, you know, can we talky-
talky on it ? "
" Yessir."
" I say, ripping ; by Jove — what '? "
" Where shall I put it, Sir '.' "
He showed me where he wanted it. I connected up the
leads and rang up the Corps.
The Staff Officer was delighted.
" What a jolly little bell ! And what 's that little handle
for?"
" That 's to ring them up, Sir."
Going up to the instrument he worked the handle round
in the wrong direction until lie had unscrewed it. He
turned to me pathetically, with the thing held up between
his thumb and fore-finger.
" I say, I 'in awfully sorry ; have I broken it ? "
I screwed the handle on again and showed him how to
turn it. Half -an -hour later, when I left him, lie was
becoming quite proficient.
I am never technical with the Staff ; they don't under-
stand it. A week or "so ago I took a 'phone into an office —
the Director or Deputy-Director of something or other, at
the moment I didn't notice what. He told me to put the
telephone on his desk. After I had joined it up, I explained
to him how to use it.
" This end," I said, " you put to your ear ; the other end
you speak into ; and while you 're speaking you must keep
the spring there pressed down. And mind, you can't ring
them up until you 've put the receiver back here."
I also showed him how to ring the bell.
He seemed a little impatient. When I had finished he
said, " Your excellent exposition in telephony has been
invaluable to me. Good morning." But there was that
in the tone of his voice that 1 did not understand, and as
I went out of the office I glanced up at the little wooden
notice-board above the door. On it were tbe letters D. A. S.
I have not told these things, Sir, to any but you.
I have the honour to be, Sir,
The Only Subaltern who has instructed the
OF ARMY SICNALS in the use of the telephone.
P.S. — I am still awaiting a second pip.
PUNCH, OK Till: LONDON C 1 1 \UIV AlU.-Nov.nw 17. 1915.
DERBY'S DAY.
WITH MR. PUNCH'S COMPLIMENTS TO THE DIRECTOR OF RECRUITING.
NOVEMBKU 17. 1915.] PUNCH. OK Till-: LONDON CHARIVARI
DURING A ZEPPELIN RAID.
PREDICAMENT OP AN UNSTARBED MAN WHO HAS TAKEN THE FIBST AVAILABLB COTEB.
ON BELLONA'S HEM.
CHIVALRY.
I WAS sitting by my friend, Private
Dash, on the top of the motor-bus. '
Having enlisted at the beginning of the t
War, on tha impulse, he has had his
full share ; but though he has been at
the Front for some months and lias
been in many engagements he is so far
unhurt. He was at home on short
leave and riding on the bus-top rather
for enjoyment and to see more of that
strange foreign city, London (it was a
fine day), than of necessity, for he is a
landowner in the Shires, and he will
have a good four-figure income to his
name, even after the CHANCELLOR OF j
THE EXCHEQUER has done his worst |
with it. He has his own reasons, into ;
which I need not enter, for remaining a |
private. For a man of his tempera-
ment they are sound enough.
Well, we had not much more than
established ourselve-; at Piccadilly
Circus, going West, when an old lady [
on the seat in front of ours leaned back |
and spoke to my friend. She was one !
of those old ladies whoso curves are ;
all very soft. She had pretty grey hair '
and gold-rimmed glasses, and the voice.
which, from its kind intonation, is
usually called motherly. Turning half
round she asked my friend what regi-
ment he was in. He told her. And
had he been wounded? No. But he had
been in the trenches? Oh, yes. And
he was g >ing back? Directly almost.
And here the conductor came up with
" All fares, please." We felt for our
money, but the old lady interposed.
" Young man," she said to the Squire of
" I can't let you pay for yourself.
I should like to pay for you. It 's little
enough one is able to do for our brave
soldiers."
Poor Dash, he was embarrassed by
her praise and for a second staggered
by her action ; but there was a fine
light in his face as he thanked her and
watched her extract his penny as well
as her own from the old-fashioned purse
in her reticule.
" There," she said, as she handed the
two pennies to the conductor — "it
would be a shame to let you pay that
yourself."
These are the awkward moments.
It was so comic and so Ixjautiful ; and
I was glad when my friend, although
we were far from our destination, stood
up to descend.
On the pavement lie spoke. " Another
minute and I should have —
" Laughed," I supplied.
" No, cried," said the hero of a year'?
campaign.
Our Acting Adjutant again.
" BATTALION OIIOEBS.
No. 8621, Pto. P. Jones with No. 9812, PU.
T. Smith and four mules will be attached to
the Forty-'leventh Brigade for ration* and
discipline."
Mules have not yet reported the result
of the discipline.
" As an outcome of the war, a new globe
industry has been started in Newcastle -ou-
Tyne."— Sta/ordthire Smtiiitl.
Just as an old Globe industry lias been
stopped (only temporarily, we hope) in
London.
" Watch tlipin as they perhaps fc«d piece
after piece of metal into a machine with one
hand, pull a lever with another, and push a
third with a foot -all at a rate that makes
one giddy to watch. As one of our guides would
tell you, girls acquire soon a quickness and
• i. ft'i,-« and aptitude for this kind of work
that few men can attain." — J/ornmj Paper.
So few men have three bands, unfor-
tunately.
406
PUNCH, OR TILE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[NOVEMBER 17, 1915.
CHANGING THE BOWLING.
VJ52S hafgone to
IT begins to look as if the supply of j Crete.
Greek Premiers is going to run out. I Later. — The KINO has sent for
They must be getting near the point , M. RALLI, who has undertaken to form
when the wicket-keeper takes off his : a Cabinet. The attitude of the new
pads and goes on to bowl. All past ! Premier is said to be one of Inert
and present news from the Balkans ! Cupidity toward all the belligerent
being now severely censored, any tele- Powers. He has long been known as
graphic information that we publish I a personal friend of KING CONSTANTINE,
upon this topic will have to be of a whom he has always held to be the
prophetic character. t greatest living Naval Commander. The
January 1st, 1916, Salonika. — A Government can count on the active
political crisis lias been precipitated by co-operation of M. VENEZELOS (who is
the resignation of M. VENEZELOS and ! returning
liis Cabinet owing to a triumphant
vote of confidence.
liati'f. — M. MlCHELIDAKIS lias ',
consented to form a Government. !
It is believed that the crisis is
already over as the new Premier, •
commanding a strong minority, i
should have no difficulty — except a
numerical one — in meeting the
Chamber. M. VENEZELOS has given
an undertaking that he will support
the new Cabinet for not less than
two weeks. M. MICH ELI DAKIS, who
is a convinced pro-Montenegrinist j
with anti-Bessarabian sympathies, [
has stated publicly that, in his |
opinion, KING CONSTANTINE is the i
greatest living strategist. The \
policy of the new Premier is de-
scribed as being one of Tender
and Affectionate Neutrality to-
wards the Entente Powers. There
is no truth in the rumour that
he contemplates conveying the
benevolence of his neutrality from
one side to the other. Athens is
calm.
January 16th. — The crisis which
followed the fall of the Govern-
ment is regarded as being at
an end. M. COUNDOUIUOTIS, the
new Premier, is very popular in
Greece. His attitude is under-
stood to be one of Malevolent
from Crete). Athens is
join him as Ministers without port-
folio. " The position of Greece as a
strictly Continental Power," he points
out in an open letter to his wife, "must
ever make her chary of operations on
the sea-board."
Miur/i W//.— Following upon the re-
mobili/ation of the Chamber, which
was quietly effected during the ad-
journment of the Army, the THEOKITIS
Cabinet fell without a division tin's
afternoon. It just toppled over, while
M. VKNEZKLOS (who has returned from
Cyprus) was out at lunch. Athens
remains unmoved.
Later. — The KING lias sent for
M. VBXEZBLOS.
Later still. — M. VENEZELOS, in
an interview with an American
reporter, has categorically stated
that he considers KING CONSTAN-
TINE the greatest Dodger in Eu-
rope.
Extremely ii/te. — M. VENEZKLOS
has formed a Cabinet. He will
meet the Chamber this afternoon.
Latest of All. — The scene in
the Chamber to-night points to the
final abandonment of Parliamen-
tary government in Greece and
the establishment of a Dictator-
ship. M. VENEZELOS, in an im-
passioned speech, has frankly
stated that he finds it impossible
to conduct the affairs of the nation,
encumbered as he is with a
majority in the House — a position
so hopelessly at variance with all
the best traditions of Greek govern-
ment. Athens is quite indifferent.
The attitude, which had been
already foreshadowed, of the Dicta-
torship is stated to be one of the
Strictest Pusillanimity.
THE BROKEN MIRROR.
Paddy (wlio has liad Ids periscope smashed by a
bullet). " SURE, THERE'S SEVEN YEARS' BAD LUCK
FOR THE POOR DIVIL THAT BROKE THAT, ANNYUOW."
Impartiality towards the Central L._
Powers, and the idea that he will
transfer his impartiality from one side
to the other is scouted by the well-
informed. Interviewed last night by
an Italian journalist lie is reported to
have said that he regards KING CON-
STANTINE as the finest of living Diplo-
matists.
Later.— The
list of Ministers with
their portfolios is published, and reveals
the striking fact that it contains the
names of no fewer than four men who
have never during the past year held
the post of Premier. M. VENEZELOS
has retired from public life.
February 3rd. — The defeat
An Accommodating Animal.
" (!i:i,nix<;. bay, 16 hands, good vanner
or carter. Suit any tradesman. 10
guineas. A reasonable trial or warranty.
The same bay Gelding, thick set, 8 years,
getting used to it. The Army has been 1 15 hands. Used to round, 16 guineas. The
same bay Gelding, thickset, 16 hands, 6 years.
40 guineas." — The \Yest Sussex Gazette.
demobilized.
February 19i/(. — Owing to the politi-
cal crisis the Army has been prorogued. !
The defeat of the RALLI Government by Not content with announcing the
168 votes was anticipated. M. VENE- fall of Nish, The E ceiling News has
ZELOS in his great speech on the con- 1 lost two more capitals on the same
stitutional situation explained that lie day, vide infra: —
considered that he had given this lot a "Mr. G. Tyrwhitt Drake, the mayor-. 'In -t
very fair run. The KiNG has sent for M. : °f Maidstone, who lives at Cobtree, the manor
• I t r T-\- I Ti _11 _ - f _ -_ - J i -. :.- il »:»!_
THEOKITIS.
to Cyprus.
Later. — The new Premier's attitude
is officially stated to he one of Genial
M. VENEZELOS has gone fo™°J DingleyDell, referred to in the • ick-
wick apers, is the owner of one of the largest
' private collections of caged wild animals in
England."
COUNDOURIOTIS Cabinet by 97 votes and
its consequent resignation lias caused
little surprise. Parliament will be
Inability. Parliament is to be instantly
of the demobilized. M. THEOKITIS lias ordered
a new set of portfolios, the others
being worn out by constant handling.
••No. 26 Owlstone Road, bath (h. and c.),
gas, and bull, suitable for sidecar."
Cambridge Daily News.
Sidecar (to servant answering bell).
In the meantime his colleagues will ! " Bring me my driver."
"""""""' "• m5-'
OR THE T.nnnmi ™,.,.\ . ,. ,
< I
" HULLO, BILL, WHAT'S GONE WIIONO WITH youn TROUSERS ?"
"THAI'S HOW I FOUND 'EM THIS MOUSING. THE OLD OIBL I'M BILLETED WITH WASTED HEtt BOT TO HAVE A KlU« ABJCI.ET.1
AFTER-CARE OF THE BLINDED SOLDIER.
Mr. Punch ventures to call the atten-
tion of his generous readers to the
moving appeal contained in this letter :
To the Editor of " Punch."
DEAR SIB, — Men who have heen
blinded in fighting for us, and who
have been trained at St. Dunstan's,
Regent's Park, in one of the many
foi ins of industry taught there, are now
starling again in life for themselves.
\\ n who have been engaged in their
training feel very strongly that our re-
sponsibilities should not end with the
completion of this training. The blind
home-worker has little chance of be-
coming a useful self-supporting member
of the community if he is left to him-
self. The purchase of raw material, the
maintenance of a satisfactory standard
of excellence and tho marketing of
articles made represent, collectively, a
task which is beyond his powers to
accomplish satisfactorily.
So it has been arranged with the
Council of the National Institute for
•the Blind that they shall establish a
branch, the primary object of which
will bo the after-care of these men.
Its headquarters will be in London, and
it will be under the management of
Mr. THOMAS MAHTIN, Superintendent of
the School for tlieBlindiit Swiss Cottage.
But very considerabh funds will be
needed to carry out this plan in a
businesslike and satisfactory manner.
I feel sure that there are many among
your readers who will feel that, in spite
of the numerous calls to which they
have so generously responded of late,
this is another to which they will
readily respond. In doing so they will
be showing the measure of their appre-
ciation for the blinded soldiers who
have so bravely taken up the burden
which has been laid upon them and
have fitted themselves to fight the
battle of life as gallantly as they fought
the battle of their country.
Contributions sent to mo at the
National Institute for the Blind, 226,
Great Portland Street, W., should be
made out to the After-care Branch of
the Institute. Yours faithfully,
C. ARTHUR PKAR.SON,
Chairman Blinded Soldiers' and
Sailors' Care Committee ; President
National Institute for the Blind.
"BE WARE "OF IMITATIONS."
[Imitation eggs and btUter and many
other food-disguises /wiv made their
npjiearimce in Germany.]
IF your very patient nation
Does not raise an angry shout
At each nauseous imitation
Of the things it does without;
If it shows no wish to mutter
When you bid it do its best
To eat imitation butter
With an imitation zest;
If it feels no need to question
Whether Culture which ordained
Such a strain on it.s digestion
Is not similarly feigned ;
If it really is contented
At its various dinner-hours
With the masquerade presented —
That is no affair of ours.
But one thing we hare a voice in :
Bo your skill however great,
There is one thing we rejoice in
Knowing you can't imitate:
\Yhen the struggle is concluded
And the sounds of battle cease.
Europe shall not be deluded
With an imitation Peace.
408
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [NOVEMBER 17, 1915.
THE INGRATITUDE OF PRIVATE WILLOCKS.
SCENE. — lle/i/nd tin' llrinij line some-
/rliere near •' HV/W/-.V." Various Tom-
mies scattered, ahoi/t in picturesque
attitudes.
Enter Private Bert Willocks, lnl<>
woitinli'tJ, noic returned to the Front.
Chorus. " Ooray ! " "'Ere we are
again!" "Our I'x-nic !" " Eoom for the
wounded "ero!" etc., etc.
I'rir.ite Greens. An' w'ere 'ave you
bin, eli ?
Prir.ifi' H7/A>t7,.s' (a tri/le einbar-
rassed}. Oh, well, tell ye the truth, I
bin down at the Countess's for a-.bit.
[Derisive and />n>f'ii/e chorus.
Private Greens (truculently). \\'<>l
Countess ?
Private Willocks. Countess o' San-
down. Nice place down Sa'sbury way.
Private Greens (-struggling to cram a
patent tobacco cartridge into an under-
sized clay pipe). Wot was you doin'
there?
Private Willocks (with an attempt at
bravado). Wot would I be doin',
Vegetable ? Con-vale-escin'.
Private Greens (objectionably). Con-
valescin', was you ? Strike me pink,
an' what had yer folks done, eh ?
Private Mule (Company humourist).
Oh, come orf it, Cabbage; you're
be'ind the times, you are. Ain't you
never 'card o' our Bert's family, eh ?
Long-lost heir maskyradin' as a privit
. . . romance of the trenches. Wot ?
Private Willocks (uneasily). Cheese
it, Moke. It wasn't none o' my doin'.
(Darkly) They come for me — to th"
'orspital.
Private Greens. They must 'a' bin
'ard up. Wasn't there no orf 'cers 'andy ?
Private Mule. They thought as 'e was
a orf'cer. W'en they sees 'is moustache
they says •
Private Willocks (roused by sore sub-
ject). 'Ere, that'll do. Wot d'ye all
want to start on a chap for? I can't
'elp 'avin' bin at a bloomin' Countess's,
can I?
Corporal Jebb. Well, never mind
about the Countess. 'Ow did ye find
old Ginger an' the girls ?
Private, Willocks. Well, 'tell ye the
truth, didn't 'appen t' see Ginger,
some'ow.
( 'orporal Jebb, Privates Greens and
M /ile, ensemble. Wot!
Private Willocks. Well, wot abalit
it, eh ?
Private Greens. Nor yet the girls
neither, I suppose?
Private Willocks (still tri/iinj to carry
it off). Neither I did. Leastways —
(gives way). Look 'ere, boys, don't be
'arc! on a chap. I '11 tell ye 'ovv it was
— strite. We was goin' along in the
motor (attempted interruption by Pri-
vate Mule suppressed), boin' taken from
th' 'orspital like, an' I looks up sudden
like, an' there was Li/a standin' on Iho
pavement wavin' 'or 'and. "'I, Bert,"
says she, " 'nrf a mo'." An' Lady Eva
Blessingham, she was at the wheel, an'
she turns an' says, "That an admirer
o' yours?" an" I couldn't say notliin'
for a 'alf-mile or so, scein' Liza sudden-
like like that. An' at last I says, " Yes,
Miss," says I, "that's a fair peach,
that is — that's a bit o' all right; " an'
next minuto I could ha' bitten my
tongue orf. " Oh, re-ally," says she
like that, nice and agreeable. Eotten
it was o' me givin' things away.
Private Greens (after a brief silence).
Then I don't suppose ye saw Mrs.
'Ookoy, neither?
Private, Willocks (irritably). Course
I didn't. I tell ye I saw none o' 'em.
'Ow could I see Mrs. 'Ookey, me bein'
at Sa'sbury ?
Private Greens. 'Ookey '11 love yer.
Wot abalit them messages 'e give yer?
" You give 'er them -words exact," sex
'e, " or I '11 show yer whether I 'm a
sergeant or not."
Private Mule (with humorous intona-
tion). And 'e will.
Corporal Jebb. Willix not bein' a
married man, 'e don't understand them
things. Wot 's on at the 'alls anyway,
Bert?
Private Willocks ((jlocmily). Didn't
see no 'alls.
Corporal Jebb. My 'at ! Pore beggar !
Wot did ye do, then ?
Private Mule. 'E goes out motorin'
with Lady Eva, an' 'e says —
Private Willocks. You 're askin" for
trouble, you are. (Impressively) We
'ad Greeshyan dances.
[Tlie derisive and profane chorus is
repeated.
Private Willocks. You can laugh if
yer like. You don't know nothin'. Very
pretty it was.
Corporal Jebb. Did the Countess do
'em, Bert?
Private Willocks. Not the Countess —
she didn't. But the Lady Eva an' all
'er lot.
Private Greens. Rather see MAH-REE
LLOYD meself. But there 's no ac-
countin'.
Private Willocks. An' there was a
little kid come there. Only live she
was. The 'Ighgate Wonder, they called
'er. She sang "Tipperary" dressed up
in the Union Jack.
Corporal Jebb (shuddering slii/htly).
Should ha' thought ye 'd 'ave liked a
change. Mule 'ere, 'e 's about fed me up
with " Tipperary." 'Adn't they nothin'
new ?
Private Willocks (reminisccntly).
There was garden parties. Tea an'
cikes. All very well for them as 'as
the gift for it, but I didn't seem to
catch on to it proper some'ow. Kept
droppin' things abaht, I did.
Corporal Jebb. Did the-ydo you well ?
Private Willocks. Top 'ole and don't
you make no mistake abaht that. Wot
with myonise an' cave-ier an —
Private Greens. 'Ere, stow it. We
don't want that kind o' talk 'ere.
Private IIV/iV/,-,-,. All right, Cabbage ;
thought that might fetch yer. \\ •
music at the garden partioi.
I'l-ivale Greens. Wot kind o' music?
Private Willocks. 'Arps an' — an'—
well, 'arps.
Private Mule. .lews' 'arp-> or Welsh
'arps, Bertie?
Private II "///<.. "/V.s. You don't knmv
nothin'. (With vine lack of <
That was good music, that was.
Private < mv/i.s- (/;." oililt/ return i/i,/ to
the charge), But d'ycr mean to say as
yer didn't see no one at all? Wc.t Et
time ! Wot did yer talk abaht ?
Private Willocks. Oh, that was all
right.-They was thunderin' kind to talk
to. There wasn't no manner o' dit'i-
culty there. Though o' course (a shade
regretfully) it wasn't quite like hem'
with our own lot.
Private Greens (irith dixaareeiil...
vhasis). 1 should bloomin' well think
not.
Corporal Jebb (reaching out for It is
mouth-organ). You there, it fair makes
me sick to 'ear yer. 'Ere 's these folks
goes and puts themselves abaht to be
kind to yer, doin' everything in 'uman
power to give yer a good time, an' 'ore's
you, an' wot do you do ? Grouse, grouse,
grouse for yer low 'aunts an' yer old
vulgar 'abits. Yer make me tired. (I la
begins to play with much feeling "The
Sivanee liiver.")
Private Greens (for the, first time with
genuine enthusiasm). 'Ere's 'Ookey.
Private Willocks (nervously). Well,
cheer-o, boys ; I '11 see you again.
[Exit.
CarporalJebb (pausing in Jus melmli/}.
Grouse, grouse, grouse! Low-minded,
that 's what I calls yer. Not but what
there 's some sense, Greens, in wot
you was sayin'. But Willocks — 'e 's
ungrateful.
More Pessimism.
" The Da ly .VnT.s- Bird's-TCye ifap of the
Front covers mo whole of our advance lira ip 1 .a.
JJassee. It measures 4 ft. by '2 ft. 4 ins.''
On a proposal to hold a Sunday con-
cert : —
"Mr. Sheehy said they would not like to
turn Skibberecn into a Paris, where they Jon't
recognise Sunday at all."
Curk County Kaijli'.
According to our latest inform;' tim.
Skibbereen is still — Skibberaen.
Xm..:.l.-...:KjL7Li9M.] i-rxcn. nil in,; LONDON CIIAIMVAIM.
Popular Actor. " I'VE MADE UP MV M.ND TO JOIN THE ABMV. AFTEB ALL ONE MUST BEMEUBKB THAT ONE is OM.Y A L«™»."
EHYMES TOR ALL TIMES.
THE subjoined interesting letter
though it was addressed to us, was
apparently intended for a contemporary
in whose columns the question of in-
genious rhymes has recently cropped
up. But we make no apology for
availing ourselves of the opportunity
of appropriating so luminous and in-
structive a contribution : —
DEAR SIR, — When I was an under-
graduate at Balliol, more years ago
than I care to remember, JOWETT often
expressed his dissatisfaction with the
famous rhyme to Timbuetoo, which he
considered much overrated, and one
day, at a breakfast party, appealed to
me to improve upon it. My effort, a
genuine impromptu, ran as follows: —
" One day, while hunting near my villa
Upon the plains of Timbuetoo,
I shot a very stout gorilla,
I shot a very slim buck too."
JOWETT was delighted, and for days
afterwards was found repeating my
]ti;;tr;iin at the most incongruous times
and in the most unsuitable places —
3ven in chapel, so it was said. For a
uller account of the incident I may
•efer your readers to my Dialogues with
he Departed, chap, xi., p. 534-9.
Stimulated by the correspondence in
your columns I have, after a long
interval of abstention, been moved to
try my hand once more at an exercise
of ingenuity in which as a youth I
gained some small repute, and venture
to send you the results : —
" Italia boasts her SILVIO PELJJCO,
England relics on gallant JKLUCOE."
" Worse even than the Suvla Bay
Has been the fall of VENIZEI.OS."
" I'd rather be caged in a leonine den with
The brave prophet DANIEL than COURTNEY
OF PENWITH."
' Mr. (JLADSTONE.who tried to talk Basque with
The Basques, paid a visit to Kasque with
His gifted disciple, young Asqumi."
" Fasque," I need hardly remind your
readers, was the seat of Mr. GLAD-
STONE'S brother, Sir THOMAS (1 LA DSTOXK,
of whom some characteristic anecdotes
,vill bo found in my C'tiitrermitions icith
Elder Statesmen, vol. iii., p. 952.
I am, Sir, Yours faithfully,
LEMUEL LONGMIRE.
Mctjdtheritini Clui.
" The booty captured at Nish up to the
jresent amount to 42 guns, thousands of
ill'-, much ammunition, 700 railway j.i.ir
"iages, and many automobi!
Morning Paper.
A case of "marriage by capture" or
' automatic coupling."
THE JEUNK I'KKMIKK.
How oft, my queen, in quest of the
romantic.
Ere war began we watched the
Thespian art
Of Vivian Vere! How jmsitivcly frantic
He drove you with his Fair- Young-
Hero part !
While I— I found your taste a trifle
rotten —
\Viis <|iiito forgotten.
To-night, when once again in youthful
garb he
Spread out liis lures for us, they left
you cold :
Your silence said, •• Begone to good
Fx)nl DKUHY :
Shirker, he off, and get yourself en-
rolled ! "
It seemed your high regard for that
young hero
\\ ;i^ down to zero.
You wronged him, fairest. Vivian would
be willing.
No doubt, to quit his triumphs of
the stage.
Could tlios.- who > the regal
shilling
But overlook bis most unmurtiul age :
That lad, in whom erewhile you found
a heaven,
Is lifty-seven !
410 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [NOVEMBER 17. 1915.
Wife. " 'AVEN'T rou BBOUGHT ANY BELICS 'OME?"
Husband. " AIN'T 7 ENOUGH?"
TO PATEICK, AGED TWO.
WHEN Patrick howls, the moping
owls
Hoot weirdly, and the Banshee yowls;
Groans issue from the chimney cowls ;
Sly Eeynard murderously prowls
In search of unprotected fowls ;
And masons strike and "down" their
trow 'Is,
And ev'rybody frowns and scowls —
When Patrick howls.
Contrariwise, when Patrick smiles,
Sunshine prevails from Scotland's
Kyles
To Afric's White and Azure Niles ;
Lame dogs, unhelped, leap over stiles;
Prospectors strike the richest iles ;
At Question time Sir WILLIAM BYLES
No more the Opposition riles ;
And BERNARD SHAW no more reviles
The overrated British Isles —
When Patrick smiles.
But, whensoever Patrick grins,
Cynics grow gay as harlequins ;
Contentment reigns among the Finns ;
Kind thoughts preoccupy the Djinns ;
And busy barbers, shaving chins,
Deal gently with the tenderest skins.
No more the hardened sinner sins,
Or bullies kick their victims' shins ;
Business is good with COUTTS'S, GLYN'S,
And all financial paladins ;
Port mellows in secluded bins ;
In fine the round world smoothly spins,
War seems a dream and Peace begins —
When Patrick grins.
FOR VALOUR.
[Austro-German soldiers arc said to be com-
pelled by their superior officers to swallow pills
to induce courage.]
THE use of these pills to promote
bravery is likely to be followed by the
employment not only of rival specifics
but of other contrivances for obtain-
ing effects not easily produced in the
military Teuton by ordinary encourage-
ment. We give a few sample adver-
tisements of such articles: —
COWARDS BECOME KINGS,
FUNKS BECOME FILBERTS,
by means of
DR. YVILHKLM.'S PANIC PILLS FOR
PALEST PIP-SQUEAKS.
(Similar to tliosa advertised in Punch's
Almanack),
THE BEST COURAGE-FBODUCER ON THE MAEKET.
A Company Officer writes: — Since I began
giving your pills to my men I have not had to
flog more than half-a-dozen a day for flinching.
COOL-AS-CUCUMBER SOAP
MAKES TUB SKIN IMPENETRABLE.
A little rubbed into the scalp prevents
the hair from standing on end.
BLUSHING (for one's country). Do
you suffer from this painful malady ?
If so what you want is Mother Eagle's
Soothing Syrup. A dose does wonders.
Hcrr Schmidt writes :— The Lusitania inci-
dent brought on a painful attack of blushing,
but one or two spoonfuls of your remedy soon
made me absolutely shameless.
GRIP NUTS.
Take them daily and your step will
be springy and your nose high.
Crowds in Unter-den-Linden will
break up to let you go by when you
move with the Grip - Nuts swing.
Civilians do not wait to be jostled ; they
are in the gutter before you can say
Eitel.
SUBALTERNS OF THE GERMAN ARMY
secure INSTANT PROMOTION by eating
CAPTAIN'S BISCUITS.
The biscuit for the purpose. Pro-
duces such complete confidence in the
field that your superiors give you your
third star while you wait.
IIOHENZOLLERN'S POTATO
PORRIDGE.
MAKKS YOU CONTENT WITH ANYTHING.
TRY IT !
German readers should beware of
FRENCH'S British Expeditionary FORCE,
which is a highlydangerous preparation.
Potato Porridge is what you want
(and what you will get). Eat it.
UNCH, oil THE LONDON CIIAHIVARI.-NovBiiBM 17. 1915.
A MATTER OF ROUTINE.
PBE3IDEST Wir.sox. "Tins CALLS FOB A NOTE. MR. SECRETARY, JUST BRING ME IN
A COPY OF OUR No. 1 NOTE TO GERMANY— 'HUMANITY' SERIES."
NO\I:MI;I:K 17, I!)!").]
PUNCH,
TIIK
N c|| \|;|\ AIM.
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
(K.XTK" « ">•' 'I'OI'.Y, M.I'.)
lli.tri of I. i'1' '/' ••• la '. '"
H//J. At time of nati ia tin:
( 'DM i mi in- il:illv hi | n ' .!' .ngal IDII nf week-
end holiday. Noble l/>rds, heedle-s
to
: pei • ' venieno
:i It airs.
•Reminds me," said MKMUKH
FOR
Business done. — Talked for three | AHMIUM
hours i War. No K.-..liri..n
being submitted, got home in tinp
dinner.
i'f i
i i • heard with ];
:
'
Kehal! of War OM'c • \\ilh n
i in Tr.iiniii^ ('irii)i-. kbOM Su|.|il<
throughout the co.intry. ('I
• if being mulct to extent 1.1
"Does the • Hon.
half his inc. HIIC doe-i not chill tax-
payers' resolve to curry on the War to
its appointed < nd. 1 1
hut without, approach to downln
tlie daily cost mounting up from
to live millions.
SAKK. lo. iking on BC ( 'ommons'
raillery below Bar, if pretty story of
-.idoni-'s lady-love :
•S;ulK -.ho thought of him
li'pt.'
Whilst we of the Commons make lioli-
kT6 the Lords, sadly ibinking
of their country, gathered togel her
e it. A little unkind of l,\v-
nowNi:, alter sitting through three
of the talk, to remark,' There
has probably never been a more
discursive debate.' "
JKKKMIAII, first Karl of LORE-
BURN, led off with chapter of
Lamentations. I/ioked back on
story of fifteen months of war
and, behold ! it was very bad. A
Cabinet three years ago deprived
of priceless counsel and com-
panionship had blindly blundered
along.
Speaking later, COURTNEY
mingled his tears with JKKKMI MI'S.
"Whether," be moaned, "we
look at homo or abroad, our old
civilisation, which we bad built
up through long generations, is
almost destroyed."
In vigorous speech MILKER
brought debate to bear upon
"actualities of the hour, with
special reference to situation in
the Balkans. Admitted he trod
on urnrofe ground. Murmur of
sympathy ran over benches when
he alluded to himself as one '
called a spade a spade with a rope
round his neck."
Useful purpose of debate at length *.v ,.^»» -~ — •
appeared in sharp commentary on waste of good and costly food the rest
organised custom whereby, as MILNEB, of lack of system and plan ofadn
fearless of the rope round his neck, ' tion almost incredible in its uni
bluntly put it, "such war news as is gence, rouses just anger No complai
published has from first to last been ; is made of wastage at the Front, whe
seriously misleading." Such as it is, it is inevitable. It is in the Home Camps,
is withheld from the public till after j where no such excuse or extenua
interval of time that makes it ancient exists, that a scandal prevails wlncl
invites peculation.
this and other According to FORSTER the \VarC lice,
waking up at end of fifteen months,
has resolved to deal with the 111:1
A complete organisation is now in
existence," he said, "with result that
are resp
much ill-f.
Hi i 11 - j i. • 1 1 1 1 • ,. i • 'i i . .
•!iility to
means what it «ay»,"
'
me
' Hie ansv, .-.
was M.U-.VAMAKA'H sharp response.
II Ii:
of original Finance Bill passed tin
Committee.
H', A full H.iuuo to
hear tin- U'H R|w<>»:li i n
moving ' t. tho
fifth sinco NVar I.egan. Ix>rd
COUHTXKV, we;irinn tin-
waist coat of a blameless life,
loo! >lo occupant of the
1'eers' (iallery.
In speech of less than an
hour's dura: i. MI Piu.MiKit stated
thai total : amount-
, ,1 i,i hr.lr r!o unhe ird • of sum
of £l,<;iW,(HJO,000. NVw one
uou'd cairy us on till the middle
of l-ebruary, that is if current
e\p nditureof live millions a day
is not exceeded. Only cheerful
note in this portion of speech
occurred when he expressed hope
that tho sum would Millice.
Liter there was another g!
when he declared his conviction
that "the fine spirit and resc
of the Allies will I ring the NVar
to a triumphant conclusion."
Business done. — New Vote of
THOCOH o* VSSAF* OBOVSP. LORD MU-NEB BOLDLT Credit for £400000.000. Hitting
CAI i.s A BPADE A SPADE. came to abrupt conclusu
who ' He will pay to tho uttermost farthing, adjournment of the House at a qua
"* I _ . F J . , , • • .:_ _i. l__ _„* »«,, l,»r \\-av Irt rollllKA to llilMIl H
But, with national business instinct, he
wants full return for his money.
To hear or read of wholesale wanton
history,
CURZON replied to
criticism--. Hinted at possibility of
promptly publishing accounts of en-
gagements without going into details
I to the enemy. After two or three
3, might, be supplemented with
names and details.
A clumsy device, but anything better ... -«,--
than the present grotesque, unavailing, j ex-Colonel LYNCH, la
i DAfftTTAOTlTPARV
past ten, by way of rebuke to I'HI:MII:H
and his colleagues in the Cabinet
absent from Treasury Bench through-
out debate.
" As far an can bo ascertained tin in'
of the Federal (loMTiinifiit is to float a loan of
only £500,000,000 before Cliriftiiins. Th«
other iii-,t.ilin«-nt-i will Le left unt :
This will make much ICM disturbance in
financial circle* than tho f-JO.000,000 loan."
Alburn litmncr (AVio Svutk tt'alei).
Mr. MC-KKXXA is now contemplating
emigration.
__ t :, economy
„ been etYected and waste ren
At Question time little bout between
ostrich-like svstem.
and PARI.IAMKXTARY
" It is announced that an American confcr-
: N.w Y<irk uimnimouKly decided to re-
cognise tho German C!overnni«-nt in Mi-xico."
t'.ijtjpttan Gattlte.
Judging by what we have read of
Mexico in recent years the confusion is
pardonable.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [NOVEMBER 17, 1915.
CONFLICTING VIEWS OF THE PRESENT PERSONAL APPEARANCE OF WILHELM II.
THE ECONOMISTS.
HAPPENING to mention at lunch that
I had just come from the International
Society's Exhibition and liked a picture
of three women "mid nodings on," I
was eagerly asked whom it was by.
(They said " who.")
" I don't know," I answered.
" Well, the catalogue told you, didn't j
it ? " my hostess remarked.
" I didn't have a catalogue," I had
to confess.
" Didn't have a catalogue ! ' " How
quaint!" "How extraordinary!" It j
was generally agreed that not to have a !
catalogue was one of the oddest things.
" Then you don't know who painted j
any of the pictures ? "
"Oh yes, I do, "I said. "I know some."
"How?"
" Well, some artists have the decency
to sign their names. Their names in j
full and clearly, I mean ; not just a !
scribble or N, like the man who painted
the jolly Indian bull. And then for the :
others I have two ways. Either I go
to the desk, give the number and in-
quire the price, or I look over the
shoulders of people who have bought a |
catalogue."
" Don't they object ? "
" I don't do it so crudely as that," I
explained.
" But why don't you buy a cata-
logue? " some one else asked.
" I can't do it," I said ; " I can't
bring myself to do it. It 's an ex-
pense I shrink from, and I can't over-
come the shrinking. I can go to a
picture-gallery in a taxi, pay to enter,
and leave in a taxi, and yet be unable to
put down the shilling or even sixpence
that the catalogue costs. I could even
buy a picture, but I can't buy a cata-
logue. It 's a sign of madness, no
doubt. But there is a mild madness
in our family."
" Everyone has a blind spot of that
kind," said another of the company,
and then we got to work on our pet
economies.
One man could not take a taxi be-
yond one-and-fourpence. No matter
where he was he had to get out
there and then and either walk or take
a bus.
Another, a lady, could not buy flowers.
It seemed to her so monstrous, such an
outrage, that flowers should be charged
for. They ought to be given away. They
just grew and grew beautifully out of
God's earth (you know this type ?), and
for money to pass and. profit to be
made was horrible. Horrible.
We all agreed.
Here a man interposed, saying if we
felt like that about flowers, what about
weeds? Eh, what? For his part he
struck at paying more than three-pence
each for a cigar so long as the War
lasted. He used to smoke Havanis,
but now he didn't mind what it was so
long as it had the outward semblance
of a cigar.
And so we went on until, after a
particularly precious avowal of pet
economy on the part of a lady in
neutral-tinted butter muslin (or some-
thing very like it), we all had a rude
shock.
" I quite understand that feeling,"
said a young man in khaki who was at
home for just a week. " I have exactly
the same abhorrence of buying largo
quantities of radium. Two or three
pounds' weight is as much as I can
force myself to get at a time. Very
absurd, of course, because a cellarful
would be much more economical."
That was the end of it. This ass
always ruins .serious discussion with
his ill-timed jokes.
Hportsman (to tlie man lie lias backed, w!u> IMS been receiving all the punishment)
'\\iiv ABKS'T YOU AT THE FBOST? SHCICEK!'
FAMILY TIES.
(On the n-aij to the "Plough and Horses.")
" WELL, Tom, ol' son, these be strange
days when a father hain't at liberty to
ask 'is son to 'ave a glass wi' 'in over
'is safe return, wi' no more 'n a wound
as is nearly "ealed."
" Wouldn't matter so much if a father
could accept a glass 'long of 'is son 'oo
'alf 'is time never thought t' see 'is ol'
mug no more."
" An' I guess y'r pockets bo warmly
lined ? "
" We ain't 'ad much time, some'ow,
for shopping over there."
"Well, may's well 'ave a drink —
wishes '11 be the same 'ooever pays.
But it don't seem so 'omely like, an'
not the sort o' thing to keep a family
together, same 's I 've been used to see
'em kep'."
" If I was to pay you so much extry
for 111' grub at 'ome — weeks I 'm 'ome
— 'ow would that be ? An' leave you
to settle "ere."
' Tis pretty plain as you 'aven't
been used to English ways o' late.
Things can't he run like that — not now.
Each man 'e 's got to 'and out the
money for the beer 'e drinks. That
be law."
" Then if I adds to in' board Saturday
night what you drinks to-night, 'oo 's
to stop me doing that? "
" You 'd better make it a penny more
or less — something to set 'em off the
scent if they gets nosing round."
" I '11 make it sixpence more for luck
i an' because o' the times. I never
thought to see y'r ol' mug no more."
" Sixpence '11' fair baffle 'em, I should
say. Let 's go in an" 'ave a drink over
y'r safe return."
" A quart for me— that l>e sixpence,
an' a quart for you — that doubles it a
bob. Then that 'ere sixpence as you
threw in for luck makes eighteenpence.
Doing it that way I don't see 'ow
j Government can ever get wind o' it —
nor I don't. You 'and the eighteen-
l pence to me Saturday night same time
you 'ands y'r mother y'r board money,
an' I shan't be one to split on you,
neither ! "
" I sea you be the same ol' grab-all
as ever ; war ain't changed you at all.
I said as I 'd pay for you, but I 've
| paid for myself already, ain't I now '.' "
" You paid landlord ; that 's very
like—
" Didn't you see me doing of it ? "
" I saw you doing of it ; I don't mind
owning to that."
" Well, then ! "
" But surelye you ain't going to say
as you grudge me the money for beer
as was drunk to y'r own good-'ealtb ?
Your paying landlord ain't doing me a
favour, is it now ? "
" Paying twice over, though, would
be once too often for me."
"Then yours ain't the large- 'carted
spirit of 'elpfulness as our good King
i 'ave enjoined on us in fighting times ?
You wi' the chance o' earning a pot o'
money an' next to nought t» KJKTI.I it
(on, an' y'r poor ol' father wi' nothing
| but a penny on this an' twopence on
that to choer 'ini on 'is way."
" I see you be the same as cvci tin-
one to talk n 11111:1 up un' down till 'o
be ready to gi'e you ought as 'II shut
y'r mouth for you. If I agrees to pay
I'i^'hteen-penco on Saturday for this
night's well-wishing, will that satisfy
y'r avaricious ol1 soul ? "
"That'll lie more in keeping wi' the
way I 've always 'eld a family should
be kep' together. Families did ought
to go 'and-in-'and, not BO much o' ' tins
be mine an' t'other 'isscn.' "
"That be a thought o' mine, come
along in in' blood, belike, as 1 got from
you. I '11 gi'e the eighteen -pence to
Mother, come Saturday, long o' m'
; board-money, im' between you an' mo
; all '11 lie settled an' done with com-
fortable."
" You gi'e it to me, Tom ; if your
mother gets 'old of it she '11 stick to it
like glue, she will. Fat lot o' good
'twill be to me ! "
"But I 'ave your thoughts so wrought
into me I can't get away from what
flesh an' blood 'ave meted out. Families
didn't ought to 'ave so much o' 'this be
mine an t'other 'issen'alout Vm. All
comes o' hem' your son — honour I
never chose m'self. An' now difference
between pa\in^' \ou an' paying Mother
is a thing 1 hain't able to see ; only
some'ow I fancies most to pay >r."
416
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [NOVEMBER 17, 1915.
UNWRITTEN LETTERS TO THE KAISER.
No. XXX.
(From tin' Tsar of BULGARIA.)
MOST HIGHLY YKNK.KATKD BROTHER, — I cannot refrain
from writing to you, though it is highly probable that we
shall soon meet in what has been described as the tented
field. For that meeting I have made all the necessary
preparations. Your life and your welfare are of such high
importance to our Common Cause that I shall take care
not to expose the:n to any foolhardy risks. I know that,
like myself, you are panting to be in the very front line of
the battle, wherever the danger is greatest. That, as I
say, was my desire ; but RADOSLAVOFF dissuaded me.
" Sire," he said, " at this crisis in the affairs of Bulgaria we
cannot afford to lose your wise counsel and your diplo-
matic ability even for a single hour. Think of the joy that
would be spread amongst our foes if you were wounded.
Moderate your ardour and remain where there is some
slight prospect of immunity from the dastardly attacks of
the Serbians and their Allies. At a distance of twenty
kilometres from the Front you can always direct us with-
out losing that calm which is essential. While our soldiers
and officers do the rough business of fighting you can, at
that distance, smile upon their efforts and reward their
merits with your august approval. But above all things,
I repeat, moderate the ardour which is natural to a soldier
and a Tsar." That was his advice, and, though I must
not altogether endorse the nattering terms in which it was
conveyed, I was forced to recognise its wisdom and I have
therefore adopted it.
What glorious days we are living in ! If anyone had
told me when I first accepted the Bulgarian throne that it
would some day be possible for me to spring to the assist-
ance of your Empire and that of our poor old friend,
FRANCIS JOSEPH, I should have been frankly incredulous.
I could not have believed that you, the son of the peace-
loving Emperor, FREDERICK, and I, the grandson of Louis
PHILIPPE, the Citizen King of the French, should ever be
associated together in the greatest warlike undertaking
that the world has ever known ; that we should be within
reach of a position from which we two together shall be
able to dictate laws (or, shall we say, to impose lawless-
ness ?) on the whole universe. Yet here we both are, lifted
by time and our own efforts to the highest pinnacle of
earthly success. He indeed spoke truly who declared
that the Prussians were the Bulgarians of Europe outside
the Balkans. You yourself will, I am certain, recognise
the appropriateness and justice of this pithy declaration,
now that Bulgarian valour has again been tested against
Serbia, our hereditary foe.
There is only one matter in regard to which I take
exception to your proceedings, and on this I will speak
openly as a Tsar may properly speak to an Emperor. You
have lately caused a woman to be shot in Belgium by a
sentence of court - martial. It is true that she was an
English nurse and that she had broken the German
military law by aiding English and Belgian soldiers to save
their lives by escaping from Belgium. Still, the fact
remains that she was a woman, and that in the course of
her merciful employment she tended the wounded of your
nation as well as those of her own. I cannot help thinking
that it would have been better and more expedient to spare
her life. I do not want you to think that I am squeamish
or that I shrink from ruthlessness when ruthlessness is
necessary. My record in Bulgaria should relieve me from
such an accusation. But even I am clearly convinced that
it was wrong to have this woman killed. The deed has
stiffened the resolution of our enemies, and has cast dis-
gr.ice on our cause in neutral countries, where Germans
are now denounced a; butchers of women. This is dis-
agreeable to me, for 1 wish to shine in public estimation
for chivalry no less than for glory. I know I have merely
to hint this to you in order to make sure that such an act,
so harmful to our reputation, shall not occur again. In
everything else I am your profound admirer,
FERDINAND.
GENTLER WAYS WITH THE PRESS.
IN the House of Commons, the other day, some questions
were being asked about the police raid on the offices of Ths
Globe, when the honourable Member for the Pacific (Sir
WILLIAM BYLES) asked whether there was not some gentler
way of dealing with erring newspapers.
We deplore the burst of laughter which greeted the
question, because we are quite sure that severalless drastic
expedients might have been tried before the sudden intrusion
of the police in force.
The gentle word has been known by some of our pictur-
esque writers to break down the most stubborn resolve of
even the hardened wrongdoer. To have its full effect it
should be spoken by a sweat-faced white-haired old lady, or
some frail and fair young thing with moist eyes. Surely
somebody at Scotland Yard has a mother or a sister who
could have entered The Globe office timidly and, placing her
hand on the arm of the Editor or the foreman of the
machine-room, or whoever it was, appealed to him affec-
tionately to stop it. Or a fair-haired laddie of six summers
might have done it if properly coached, without all that
trampling of heavy police boots about the place. Surely
the heads of the police have had brought to their notice the
potency of the little innocent child in melting the heart —
the curly-headed boy and the burglar, little Stephen and
the wife-beater, being cases in point.
Then, again, birds or white mice might have been tried.
Surely it would not have been bsyond the powers of Scotland
Yard to introduce a robin into The Globe offices. Ere now
strong men have wept at the sight of the little reel-chested
fellow and have resolved thenceforth to lead better lives.
Art and poetry should have been brought to bear. Is
there no policeman artist who would have lent his master-
piece, " Sunshine in the Home " or " Telling the Stovy to
Mother," to be placed in the Editor's office for a while to
exert its silent influence ? And, if it was not convenient for
a policeman-poet to turn out a few rhymes at the moment,
the works of ELLA WHEELER WILCOX can easily be obtained
at reasonable prices, and would have had some effect.
Or why was not persuasive eloquence tried ? Among the
special constables of the division in which The Globe
offices are situated are numbers of able barristers. Why
were not their services employed '>
And there is music. The message of music reaches the
heart even more swiftly than the spoken words of a
barrister. Couldn't the police band have gone round to the
office and played a few selections '!
"Information now available indicates that M. Briand will become
foreign minister as well as premier, with Jules Cambon, who was a
Mr. Togcry at the outbreak of the war, as his principal secretary."
Norfolk Lcdrjcr an.i Dispatch (U.S.A.).
The correspondent who sends us the cutting kindly ex-
plains it as follows: — "The cable as received, in describing
M. CAMBON, said he was 'AMR TO GERY,' which is, of course,
Renter's abbreviation for ' Ambassador to Germany.' The
local editor, however, apparently thinking that the passing
by the Censor of such a phrase was too good to be true,
gave us the thrilling version set out above."
NOVEMBEB 17, 1915.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON rilAKIVAKI.
417
A LITTLE
BAI m
rrr.
OSB
418
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [NOVEMBER 17, 1915.
TUIF roriMT jutant. It consisted of a request that
"' THE FRONT. oul. servants should supply Corporal
Orii only consolation nowadays is Blank, attached, with wood and coke
to look with enjoyable contempt on ; on demand.
troops who sometimes go into billets. i It is odd that your proper soldier,
For our part we hop round from one ' who should be a blunt man, hates
I bit of line to another, making the para- calling a spade anything short of
I pets sit up and planting forests of wire. " shovels, g.s., 1." His mind takes
j The last Company Commander I pleasure in figures and rejoices in
took over from was more than com- i cryptic initials. Witness the attitude
monly proud because ho had heightened
his parapet' two feet to stop dropping
bullets. \Ve went to have a look at
adopted by the military post-office to
a letter addressed to the C.O. in terms
of revolting clearness. The addresser,
it, and then, unfortunately, just as I , no doubt a civilian, had written on the
was saying, " By Jove !" or " The way envelope words such as these: —
you chaps work beats me," or some- Lt.-Col. Thingummy, D.S.O. (that is
thing sympathetic and suitable, 1 went ; not our C.O.'s real name, nor is the
and sneezed — and the top two feet fell j remaining address an infringement of
in. We never really settled whether censorialrights),275thlnfantry Brigade,
the fault lay with my sneeze
or his parapet. At all
events we have now made
the latter sneeze-proof.
One of those happy little
touches that make war so
awfully jolly came along a
few days ago. We had a
Corporal of another branch
of the S3rvice attached to
us. At least he knew he
was attached, but we didn't.
Taking advantage of this
one-sided arrangement he
invaded our mess kitchen at !
an early hour on the first
morning of his attachment
and conveyed therefrom
sundry edibles and utensils,
most notably a glorious •
brazier that is the object of
our cook's pride and affec-
tion. When any especially
large shells burst in his
simmeringSoUps-orasneariMiss KENSINGTON GoRE As SHE
as makes no matter — his L_
Of late we live in a marsh handed
over by a sister division as a trench
area. On our occupation the rain l:egan
ils winter session, and we ran up
against a simple little bit of arithmetic ;
" If two inches of rain per diem brings
down one quarter of a company's para-
pet, and one company, working about
twenty-six hours per diem, can revet
one-eighth of a company's pai apet, how
long will your trenches last — given the
additional premisses that no revetments
to speak of are to he had, and that two
inches of rain is only a minimum
ration ?
We have indented for a fleet ; and
even a few auxiliary cruisers and some
packets of torpedoes would be better
than nothing, winch is what we have
got so far. Wo are buoyed
up — and we need it — by the
(reflection that the Huna
1 must be even worse off, as
; they are not in a position
to mobilize their canal gar-
rison, or spare any that
remain of the U class.
-AND IS.
Functus Cfficio.
"Mr. Grime withdraws
the Cleansing Committee."
Manchester (lutinlian
"There is confusion in the
minds of proprietors of Delika-
tessen shops as to when cold meat
may be cold." — Morning I'a/ui .
The question leaves us in
the same condition as the
meat.
"CHAUFFEUR Wanted, over
military age, for Tooting."
East Orinstcad Obsei nr.
It sounds an easy job.
brow clouds for a moment only, and ; 91st Division, 14th Army Corps, Sixth
then he looks at his brazier, and the Army, British Expeditionary Force,
thought of it brings back the sun- ' As this was written without any
shine to his soul. Hence the loss of abbreviations, the military postmen
this trophy was no common bereave- were naturally very much upset. For
inent. Our cuisine for twenty-four days they kept the letter and pondered
hours was damnable — we could have over it. They sent for consulting post-
fed better in Soho. A search-party men from London, an X-ray apparatus
penetrated wherever it might and asked j from Paris, and four leading detectives
questions of the Corporal, who knew : from Scotland Yard. The conclusions
nothing about it. But he had counted | thus arrived at were handed over to the
without our cook's pertinacity. The j intelligence branch at G.H.Q.'s, who
search was renewed next day ; the
Corporal's dugout was entered in his
absence and the brazier recaptured.
had KITCHENER over for the week-end.
Finally they faced the envelope fairly
and squarely, and some leading man
The staff' came to mo clamouring for i among them erased the original address
blood. I sent for the Corporal, who i and substituted: "Try 275 I. B."
loudly protested his absolute innocence, j It only remains to tell that this wild
I examined him, and just as I had ex- 1 shot in the dark succeeded, and the
torted a complete confession a note i envelope, now treasured by the C.O.,
arrived. It had originated in Corporal j records the monumental sleuthiness of
Blank, prisoner at the bar, and passed j Our soldier postmen in the most dis-
through Corporal Blank's officer, ; couraging circumstances,
through the Brigade, through our Ad- 1 # * *
"Paris, 2 novembre (contnMij.
Le journal ' Les Dernieres Nouvelles de
Munich ' dit quc 1'ordre a ete donnt; aux sous-
muring allemauds de tenter le blocu* dis
pores grecs." — Lc Tflcgramme.
Tc make up for the shortage of German
sausages.
••There may have been another rca
the lack of that buoyancy which we usually
associate with the Premier on a ' pig occa-
sion ' like this." — The Aberdeen Daily Journal.
Perhaps he felt that Mr. HOGGE would
have done more justice to it.
" Every one should keep cheerful: any old
frog can croak. . . ."
"Anniversary Week will begin with tin
Sermon, which will be preached by the
Rev. , of Birmingham, on Thursday .
April 13th, and will last until Thursday,
April 20th, inclusive."
Congregational Magazine.
Perhaps we ought to say that these
two items, though appearing on t In-
same page, have absolutely no connec-
tion with one another.
17, 1015.] PUNCH, <ii; TIIK LONDON ril.MMVARI.
Squadron Sergeant-Major (who has been told to ascertain the qualification of an applicant for a commission). "WHAT KIM>
EDUCATION 'AYE YOU "AD?" Apiilicant. "Puirmr GOOD."
Sergeant-Major. " WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY 'pnETTY GOOD'?" Applicant. •• WKI.F., YOU BEE, I'r« oor MT B.A."
Scrgeant-Major. " B.A. ! NKVKR 'KAKD OF rr. WHAT STANDARD 'AVE YOU PASSED?'
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
(By Mr. Punch'* Staff of Learned Ckrks.)
OK course you have not forgotten Dick, that wholly
delightful study of school-boyhood by Mr. G. F. BRADBY.
You will therefore he glad to hear that his author lias now
written more about him. Beware, however, of leaping to
either of two conclusions, both wrong— first, that the new
volume will hi; as amusing as its predecessor; secondly,
that it will try to be so, and fail. One knows the old tag
about sequels. In my own opinion the present Dick is not
only entirely worthy of the earlier, but marks by far the
highest level that Mr. BRADBY lias yet reached. Its title is
For This I Had Borne Him (SMITH", ELDKK), and the open-
ing date is July 22, 1914. You see now that this will be
Dick with a difference, the great difference indeed that lias
fallen upon us all. It is exactly here that the very delicate
art of the book is shown. It realizes, more poignantly
than anything else I have read, the atmosphere of those
terrible August days when the world was crumbling to
pieces amid the pleasant preoccupations of holiday tune.
At first nothing seems changed. They are all back
There-ham for a lazy summer on the Broads : the diarist,
his charming practical wife, Dick, grown to nineteen now
with the delights of Oxford ahead, Bftti/ the maid, old Grapes,
and some equally pleasant new characters. Then comes the
crisis, and at once there enters that strange feeling of un-
reality that we all remember— a breathless hush in win
though laughter and the happy trivialities still persist, they
sound, as they did then, like the voices of birds in the
silence when a great thunderstorm is creeping swiftly up
the sky. So the comedy of Dick reaches tin- < n.l that the
title will have foretold you. In spite of it I hoped u
'hope that Mr. HHADHY might spare us the final sacrifice.
| But its treatment, when it conies, raises the story to a tine
i level of dignity and courage. It is not too much to think
that this little book will live long as a witness to the spirit
of England in her dark hour.
If there exist u more artificial story tlian Tit,- In.
\OyiHIUUtl (llKiNi'.MANS', by MAHII: I'HKK, I have n
'it, nor do I think that I want to. S .'thing of the authc.r's
; fitness to tacklo life and of her peculiar psychology will IK-
conveyed by the statement that the two real heroes of tin-
book— one good and faithful, and the other not so good,
with a roving eye— are inmed 1 '(// 1.1 and Ambry. Their
Christian names, if you please. Am'.ry, having trifled with
little Aiiie, forsakes "her for her more dashii Xstellr,
and by degrees \\initn, who is a budding art cri:
only less beautiful to look at than Ambry, having placed
Ante with his mother (whose Christian name is '.
have her heart mended, takes .lm/.;i/'v ]>llict> '" tll!v:
There is no more story than that, but it is eked out
parallel romance of <Jnin and Bum in the abode of Hunt'*
father /'<mM, who keeps a pet of a milk-shop in a Ixmdu
1 street. Have you guessed who they are? (Jinn is Harl
' quin, Bina Columbine, and Paitta Pantaloon, now in retire
ment, but busy with mere mortals' love troubles !
4-20
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[NOVEMBER 17, 1915.
like a phantasmagoric dream after seeing SCHUMANN'S always amusing, were also too voluble. But tins would
Carnival given by the Russian ballet, reading metaphysics, ! not be a fair criticism to make of his romance of the
and eating lobster and cucumber salad,
writing in the book, but it is wasted.
Anthony Sord, the juvenile lead of Mr. E. TEMPLE
There is clever Cornish slate-quarries. From beginning to end the interest
is concentrated upon two points: first, the slate-quarry
itself, which throbs with life as vividly as any human
being, and, secondly, upon the love-story of two fine men
THUHSTON'S latest novel, The Passionate. Crime (CHAPMAN for one woman. To the last moment the doubt as to
AND HALL) — I call him that because in his dedication which of these men is to marry Edith Be'.alla:k is kept
Mr. THURSTON distinctly threatens a dramatization of the up, and legitimately kept up; but unfortunately this long
story — was a wild, romantic poet who lived all alone on j suspense gives us time to discover that she was not quite
the Irish hills, and in at least one of his poems made worthy of either of them. Old Delabolo, both in grasp
"dawn" rhyme with " morn." It was not for this, how- of plot and manner of telling, is Mr. PHILLPOTTS at his
ever, that he was sentenced to death and hanged, though 1 1 host; but all the same I must pick one little bone with
have no doubt that it carried a good deal of weight with ; him. Long experience of Cornwall has convinced me that
the jury, but because he
murdered Anna Qiiarterinainc.
She was a great lady living
in the neighbourhood, and she
visited him in his hut one
night disguised as a peasant-
girl. He mistook her for a
fairy, and when he discovered
— appropriately enough in
what he would call the dorn
— that she was not he stabbed
her with the bread-knife. If
this seems a flippant summing-
up of what thousands of men
and women (but principally
women) are sure to consider a
" beautiful " story I can only
say in self-defence that genu-
ine beauty in a story has
never yet made me feel flip-
pant. It may be that the
monotony of the first part of
the book prejudiced me against
the second, where the story
really begins. I resented the
persistent intrusion of Mr.
THUIISTON in the capacity of
showman. The first lumdred-
and-ten pages deal exclusively
with the difficulty which
Mr. THUHSTON had in extract-
ing the facts in the case from
a series of uncommunicative
peasants, and might have
been condensed into a preface,
reading, " I had the deuce of
ENLIS
TODAY
HE'S
HAPPY
SATISFIED.
ARE YOU
it would be impossible for any
young man, however secretive,
to " walk out " with any young
woman, however artful, for a
few days — let alone weeks —
without every other soul in the
village knowing all about it.
Perhaps you are already-
familiar with the name of
Miss CAROLYN WELLS — if you
are an American you certainly
know her, and know that,
besides being the author of
various popular stories about
murders and detectives, she
is that much, rarer thing, a
student and anthologist of
humour, with moreover a
very flattering regard for the
English variety. Naturally,
therefore, one approaches her
latest story, The White Alley
(LIPPIXCOTT), in a spirit of
comradeship. It concerns a
further adventure of Miss
WELLS'S pet creation, the de-
tective Fleming- Stone, one of
those super-deductors who are
so pleasant to read about but
would be so exasperating to
employ in real life. The
problem of the tale is ingeni-
ous enough. The owner of an
Wirn APOLO3IES TO THE WAK OFFICE POSTER.
estate, so carefully encom-
passed by watchmen and elec-
a job getting this story out of the fellows who had first-hand trie alarms that no one could enter or leave it unobserved,
information." I am perfectly well aware that these
hundred -and -ten pages establish atmosphere, but to my
mind they are as great an offence to a novel-reader as an
hour's lecture on the manners and customs of the Irish
peasantry, delivered by Mr. THUHSTON in front of the
curtain before the first Act, would bo to the audience
which assembles to see The Passion-ate Crime when it is
produced as a play.
After reading Old Delabole (HEINEMANN) my conscience
compels me to apologise to Mr. EDEN PHII.LPOTTS for
having once asked him to give the West Country a rest.
Here, it is true, he lias left Devonshire, but only to make a
small jump, which has landed him most happily upon his
feet, to the other side of the Tamar. It was, I think, a
fair criticism to pass upon some of Mr. PHILLPOTTS' later
work that the by-play was apt to overbalance or, at any
rate, to interfere with, the main story. His natives, if
suddenly vanishes. Perhaps you think that The White
Alley will prove to be some secret subway to the house of
mystery. Far from it. The Alky in question is a kind
of marble such as is played with by hoys, and a specimen
of it is found in a disused cellar close to the corpse of
the murdered protagonist. Puzzle, to make the marble
explain the corpse. Having paid my tribute to the in-
genuity of the task and its solution, I wish I could add
that the style in which the book is written is worthy of my
regard for its author's nice discrimination in other matters.
But the fact is that these murder-mysteries are levellers of
style ; with their formula of clues and inquests and examina-
tions they tend so much to common form that there is
scarce a writer who can endow them with distinction.
This consideration apart, The Wl-itt Alley remains an
excellent example of its kind, from whose bewilderments,
if you like these mysteries, you may derive a very pleasant
and expectant afternoon.
, i'.)i5.] PUNCH, OK THE LONDON C1IAIMV \|;|.
CHARIVARIA.
FlKU>-M \i:sn u. TON M \< KI:N->
! reported to have told Kisc l'V.K]>
that UK; booty raptured by the (Icr
' mans in Serbia will be, handed over !.>
j tlie I'ul^iirians. This confirms the
| belief that the Serbians left little of
j \ nine behind them.
A London borough council has de-
cided that rate-collectors are " indis-
pensables " and cuiiiKit, be allowed to
enlist. This unpatriotic decision has
deeply grieved a large section of tlie
I ratepayers. ^ !;:
" Popping," as a synonym for pawn-
ing, is a phrase no longer heard in the
best East-end circles. They speak
now of "mobilising securities."
*
Omnibuses and tramcars are so
dimly lighted now that conductors
complain that people frequently tender
farthings for sixpences in payment for
their fares. The same mistake would
no doubt have occurred just as fre-
quently with half-sovereigns had not
most of them been out of circulation.
* *
A London coroner states that when
walking in the darkened streets he
always carries a white newspaper to
prevent people bumping into him.
Unfortunately he omitted to advertise
the particular organ he prefers for this
purpose. The LORD CHANCELLOR would
never have missed this chance.
* *
*
As official statistics have been pro-
duced showing that there is no shortage
of food in Germany, it is odd that the
\'<>nriirtx should think it necessary to
print particulars of the symptoms by
which starvation can be recognised.
Some of its readers, we suppose, take a
morbid interest in rare diseases.
-',' •'.-
*
An ex-soldier has enlisted at the
uge of 78, and Sir ARTHUR MARK-
HAM is understood to be preparing a
protest against the enrolment of re-
cruits in their second childhood.
Several correspondents have called
our attention to a statement in The
S/irrtator that " to hunt with the hare
and run with the hounds must always
prove a failure," and seem to think
that there is something wrong in it.
We have, however, such a high regard
for our contemporary as an authority
on natural history that we unhesitat-
ingly accept its dictum.
%*
In an article on "The Public
Schools" The Morning Post spoke
recently of " The mediaeval tradition of
Fanner. "STILL ON HOME SERVICE, THBH?" Ytomatt. " YM."
Fanner. '• SUPPOSING THB GERMANS CAMS TO ESOLAKD, WHAT WOULD too no?'
Yeoman (indignantly). "Wuv, VOLU«TBER FOB FOREIGN SERVICK AT o»ce,
OF COURSE."
service and self-sacrifice, plain living
and high thinking, discipline and de-
votion, which produced Thomas &
Kempis, Sir Thomas More, and Sir
Philip Sidney, to name only these
flowers of English spirituality." Some-
how we find it difficult to think of the
first of these worthies as quite English,
although he certainly made a splendid
Imitation.
* *
The War is working havoc with our
metaphorical expressions. A sergeant-
major who has just been awarded the
D.C.M. for bravery at Lops was a
carpet-salesman before he joined his
regiment. As a term of derision
" carpet-knight " is now defunct.
Dr. I)i-(i.vu) CLERK. F.R.S., ha
plained that Germany's failure is due to
the fact that her phi! have
invariably been of the Anluctivo I»HV
The deductive brain, he addid, allied to
stupidity and a curious irrelevance, was
characteristically (ierman, and often
| produced absurd results. A certain
statesman's "spiritual home," weiinder-
' stand, is now to let, unfurnished.
v
Commenting upon the popular
demonstrations in Athens on tlie
'arrival of M. Di.xvs Cot-nix, a French
! paper remarked that KING COXSTAXTIXK
" has just heard the voice of his p<
! Prior to this, of course, it was simply
| so much Greek to him.
VOL. cxr.jx.
422
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[NOVEMBER 24, 1915.
TRENCH -HUMOUR MADE IN GERMANY.
" Fas est el ab hoste doceri."
[" There is in England no real soldiers' humour such as we have."
Cologne Gazette.]
WHAT badinage is this that rocks the trenches,
What jeu d'csprit or military jest
That strains the Bosch's ribs, and rudely wrenches
The quivering fabric of his lower chest?
What is this note of mirth whose echoes tingling
Through barracks where the lager runs in spate
Bring down the roof and set the beer-mugs jingling ?
It is the humour of the " Hymn of Hate ! "
Full of elusive fun and swift surprises,
In every jocund phrase and joyous fitte
This gay and sparkling anthem crystallises
The essence and the soul of German wit.
We've nothing like it. In the dull stagnation
Induced by British humour's sad decline,
Thomas, relying on a loose translation,
Sings it (allegro) all along the line.
Thanks to a nature singularly plastic,
Blent with a humble willingness to learn,
He soon assimilates the light fantastic
Touch of the Teuton's favourite comic turn.
Thus pluck wo wrinkles of the foe's imparting ;
He taught us gas- work in our guileless past ;
And so with humour — though behind at starting,
We still may smile the loudest at the last.
0. S.
THE NAVY IN A NUTSHELL.
(With acknmvlcdgments to Mr. A. H. POLLEN in "Land
and Water.")
THERE have been no purely naval activities this week
that require comment, but I have none the less matter of
the greatest moment to discuss. For I regret to say that my
critics have been throwing doubt upon some of my con-
clusions. That is a question which I must go into at once
and in detail. Not that I wish to hold myself above criticism ;
I know very well that any one who has reached a pinnacle
as a Naval Expert must be prepared for it. But, holding
as I do that the views that I put forth in this journal are of
national importance, I cannot allow them to be assailed.
One of my critics, writing in the Press, has — I deeply regret
to say — brought to light an old story against me which
I had hoped was safely dead and buried. It worries me:
now that the cat is out of the bag it worries me confoundedly.
He declares that I am not a sailor. Well, I must face it.
It is true, I am not. It is not, strictly speaking, my fault.
I trust the public will not jump to the conclusion that it
was either my fault or my parents'. In any case, deeply
as I deplore it, it is now too late to do anything. 1 lie
awake at night and think about it. I would give almost
anything — except my position on this journal — to be a
j sailor. But my laicism is chronic.
All the same, though I am not a professional, I am
not to be branded as an amateur. I am thoroughly well
grounded ; I have got the thing up ; I do know my subject.
And I may add in self-defence that I have been entertained
—in peace time — more than once on board a battleship.
I could call plenty of witnesses to show that the Navy has
always been my special hobby. I have quite a passion for
calibres and displacements and things, and have had ever
since I was at school. There is no deception about it. I
can only hope therefore that the public will receive the
shock of my laicism without flinching.
Another critic draws attention to a passage in which I
stated that the Navy will be perfectly satisfied as long as
the German Fleet remains lurking in Kiel. The bare sug-
gestion of what my words have implied, according to his
reading of them, has made my hair stand on edge and
set my teeth on end. The idea that I could have imputed to
Sir JOHN JELLICOE'S command the slightest satisfaction at
not meeting the foe would he absurd enough to any one
who knew me and my sentiments, but my words would
seem to have carried this construction to the critic in
question, who goes so far as to attribute it to my laicism.
No one knows better than I the high spirit of the Sure
Shield. I have often commended it in these columns.
All that I meant to imply — and I must apologise pro-
foundly for the ambiguity — was that, as long as the German
High Seas Fleet refused an engagement, the British Navy
was doing all it could. I feel confident that my words were
not misunderstood in the wardrooms of the Fleet.
I have decided on this occasion to hold over my usual
weekly prediction that America will declare war upon
Germany within the next few days. I hope to be in a
position to revive this feature in our next number, but
something depends upon the ineffably illogical BERNSTORFF.
I have been fortunate enough to receive a large number
of delightful letters from charming people in relation to my
quaint account of the sinking of the Konigsberg. That is
no great surprise to me as I felt certain that it was bound
to please. The consensus of opinion, both in my corre-
spondence and in the Service Clubs, seems to be that my
gunnery deductions were correct.
If there is no further news from the Adriatic, the .ffigean,
the Baltic or the Black Sea, I shall hope to return next
week (which I shall do very gladly) to my little quadrilateral
diagrams of the Submarine " blockade." One of my fore-
most critics, surely in a fault-finding mood (even I cannot
satisfy everyone), has been making merry at the expense of
these poor diagrams of mine and has asserted that the
figure three conveys its meaning quite as directly as three
little squares neatly drawn one above another. I know
very well that my readers will not agree with him. An
article of this kind cannot exist without diagrams — that
much I have learned from a study of the work of my dis-
tinguished military colleague upon this journal. They
break up the page and give the thing an appearance of
diversity, besides tending to excite curiosity in the reader.
Nothing could be more effective than my diagrams. If
you want to know how many ships have been lost you
have only to count the squares, pricking them off as you
go along with a pin. It is just on such points as these
that I hope I am of service to my readers, who have
perhaps less time and ingenuity than I have, by collating
the newspaper reports and expressing them diagramatically.
The thing can also be done even more satisfactorily with a
box of bricks. That is how I do it at home — if I may give
away a personal secret. I have the whole thing built up
on the smoking-room mantelpiece, with coloured bricks for
the Atlantic liners. Not a bad idea for a layman.
And while I am on this question I may add that the
effect of searchlights upon Zeppelins — as a guide to gunnery
— may be usefully tested by working in a dark room with
a suspended banana and an electric torch.
The Point of View.
"A hind, named Harker, in the service of Mr. J. J. Crusher, of
Hutton, who was in charge of a horse at the time, had his leg acci-
dentally broken on Friday. Mr. Crusher has had a singular run of
ill-luck with his hinds." — Tecsdale Mercury.
PUNCH, <>i: THE LONDON CHARIVARI
N.AIMMIJC -Jl.
CHURCHILL S'EN VA-T-EN GUERRE.
WINSTON (through force of nautical habit, to Sir Jonx I-'KEXCH). "COME ABOARD, SIR!'
NQVKM..EB 24. 1915.]
PUNCH, Oi: TIIK LONDON m \mv \m.
WAR ECONOMY.
Lady Sybil de Vere. "Do LOOK AT THOSE EXTBAOBDISABY PEOPLE.
Sir Hugo. " ROTTEN BAD FOBM I "
THEIR CLOTHES ABB gurrE JCEW I "
i good deal. I made
" What are you doing for the
soldiers? " she asked loftily.
MY WORKING-PARTY.
•'Ix's sickening," said Margery;
" mother 's going to the Buflingtons
and says I must go with her." " Well, er— * I began, overcome
" Buck up ! " I urged with the callous , by the suddenness of the attack. " I
after-lunch indifference of the middle- j write a — er — little cheque sometimes,
aged ; " the Buffies aren't so bad."
" They 're beastly. And Sheila 's bik-
ing over this afternoon too. We mend
write
and," I added hastily, " I was a special
constable once."
" Can you darn ? " she inquired after i
the Convalescents' socks on Mondays, a strained interval.
You '11 have to look after her till I ! " Yes," I answered simply ; " I won
come hack." | the- Balliol Blue-stocking twice when I
The door banged violently and I was \vas_up at Oxford."
alone. The worst of a youthful sister
is that she takes so much for granted.
Sheila is a fashionable and deter-
mined young person who gracefully
combines the youthfulness of sixteen
with the sagacity of a dowager. I am
really afraid of her. At 3.30 the door
was Hung open.
" Hullo ! " exclaimed a brisk voice.
I smiled foolishly.
" Let me put your bag down."
" No, thank you. This," she swung
it defiantly, " is my work."
"Oh," 1 answered humbly, "irregular
verbs or arithmetic ? "
I gave her the chair on the other side
of the hearthrug and watched her
wrench forth the contents of the bag.
' Then perhaps," she said graciously,
" you would like to help."
I started on a pale pair and all went
well until
" Mind the blood doesn't stain," she
remarked.
." A little bit gay for the Line, aren't
they?" I picked up a purplo-iiiul-
magenta mixture. " This chap 's prob-
ably a Surbiton Hussar."
Sheila examined some of my work.
" I say, are you quite sure you won
that stocking for darning?"
" Quite," I answered promptly.
" (live mo a tube of magenta, plea*e."
When Margery got back wo had
finished tea and I had mended seven
pairs of socks — at least I had pu-hel
the needle about inside them until the
holes got smaller.
That night I went to bed feeling I
had done my bit.
The next evening Margery dashed in
late for dinner.
" I 've been to see Sheila," she an-
nounced briefly, and, turning to me,
added, " I say, old thing, you 've made
a pretty beastly mess of young Henry'*
socks. I don't know what he '11 say
when he comes back from school. He '»
rather particular about his socks."
••His socks," I repeated vaguely —
•• Henry's socks?"
" Yes; they forgot to send the soldiers'
mending from Bnnulinead yesterday,
so Sheila was told to darn her brother's
socks instead."
Extract from the a-lvcrtU-ment of a
well-known firm of poultry fanciers : —
••This is where the value of their firmt-raUt
l.i\ niK strains tell. They produce egg* in targe
numlicrs right through the bad weather, and
liiut their customer* do this al*o U proved by
tip- many hundreds of letter* 6 8on»
receive monthly."
We congratulate Messrs. &
on the excellence of their birds, but still
more on that of their customers, who,
if they possess the remarkable powers
attributed to them, are indeed rara nrr.t
42(5
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAIM VA11I. [NOVEMBER 24, 1915.
' The Merry Widow
stop it at once ?"
'.' \Yill you please
THE WOTTLER AND THE MATRON.
1 AM the husband of a Quarter- Automatically obedient I walked to-
master. That may mean nothing to wards the hotel. I found an electric
you, but if you read Miaa MUNCASTEB'B piano in full blast. I removed my
armlet and ordered a beverage — not
from thirst but from diplomacy — and
appealed to the landlord.
" Is that to be kept going all night ? "
I asked. " It gets on the nerves of the
matron of the Ked Cross Hospital."
" Well, Mister, Councillor Stubbs
uses this 'ouse and he 's a wottler if
ever there was one."
"A what?"
" A wottler— si chap 'oo says, ' Wot '11
you'ave?' He 's not, a mineser ; mine-
sei's are them 'oo always say, ' Mine 's
a beer.' Where was you brought
up?"
book on Quartermasters which
MATIIKWS has published you will iind
that KITCHKNF.K has a light and easy
job compared with a Quartermaster.
In actual fact a Quartermaster is re-
sponsible for the stores in a Red Cross
Hospital and spends (lie greater portion
of her waking hours filling up forms
about torn pillow-cases and broken
plates. The Quartermistress — I de-
cline to have a Quartermaster as
spouse — tells me wonderful stories
about the appetites of wounded heroes
and the quantity of rice they consume.
I am not surprised at their heroism.
A man who dare face rice
pudding need dread nothing
in this world.
At night, when I leave
my special constable duty, I
call for the Quartermistress
to escort her home. Though
a veritable dragon in a store-
room she is a little timid in
the dark. Then, as I am
badged and armleted, that
great person, the hospital
matron, condescends to ex-
change a word or so with me.
She is a magnificent person, j
and as she sweeps down on
me in her official uniform
I feel absolutely confident
about the War. Nothing
could beat her. If she could
be marched along the Brit-
ish lines I know the Bosches
would break and flee.
Still I am nervous when she speaks " Well,
to me. It is like talking to a Zep- Stubbs?"
pelin.
structions I give to a special constable
are promptly attended to," beamed the
mill run.
The next day, as I passed the hotel,
the landlord stood at the door.
" She come," he said, nodding to-
wards the hospital.
"What did she say?" I asked
eagerly.
" \ lot," returned the landlord.
" Mr — anything about me'.'"
" She said that if I wouldn't take no
notice of a special — and she didn't
hlame me, as they was such a poor
lot — I 'd got to take notice of 'er. Yes,
I stopped the piano. I told her that
Mr. Stubbs was a true wottler, but she
said that it was wottling that was losing
us this War. She ain't got what 1 call
the wottling spirit. A tine figure of a
woman if you like, but no
wottler. I don't expect
she ever stood no one a
pint."
Now I wait for the Quar-
termistress in the road.
HIS ROOF THE OPEN SKY.
Clergyman. "INSTEAD OF SI'KNDJXG YOUR LIFE WANDERING ABOUT
THE COUNTRYSIDE AND SLEEPING UNDER HEDGES, WHY CANNOT YOU
[ ACT LIKE A MAN AND GO OUT AND FIGHT FOR YOUR HKAIITII AND HOME ? "
"Such manners may have
li-.'cn current last year —nrtint la
ijiu'1'i'C. But now iwix aroiis
Ci'llllll/l' tllllt cclfl."
Intlinn liailij Telei/rd/ilt.
Yes, the " vons " have
changed a great many
things. Hven the French
language has not escaped.
"The Nairobi Defence I
will rendezvous on C'. Company
Parade (1 round, nc:ir the Pres-
byterian Church, at 5 o'c
this afternoon. The new unit
will for the first time be re-
speeted by His Excellency the
ami Commander in
On this night she bore down on me.
" We shall have rain to-morrow,"
she said, and I felt that the elements
would obey.
" You have noticed an hotel oppo-
site? " continued the matron.
"Is there one?" 1 murmured. Guilt v
what about Councillor Chief." — Daili/ l.caJtr (Itritixh Kn.it A/rim).
Our own "G.R.'s" should take coin-
was reported fort ; their turn of deferential appre-
You see 'is son
wounded and missing, and now he's eiat ion will come.
only reported wounded and not badly
'urt. So Mr. Stubbs wanted to stand
drinks to all in the 'ouse ; but this
new regulation-
" Bleachers and dyers in various towns in
I, anca^liire yesterday began handing in n-.>liccs
to leave work in order to enforce their claim
to an advance of wage:, between two and three
" What_S this got to do With the shillings a week ill the ease of weekly wage-
earners, and 10 per cent, in the case of j>
piano?" I interrupted.
man that I was, I had often taken refuge ' " Well, he 's left money for a cigar for , workers."— Scofen
in it when the Quartermistress had not j every customer, and he's paid for the ] Why this differentiation?
The\
finished form-filling and stock-taking
and 1 had dreaded waiting for
under the matron's severe eye.
her
electric piano to be kept going all night.
Left five bob in coppers to be put in
the slot. Now 1 'm anxious to oblige
none of them war-workers.
• New Cumuock School Hoard. \Vanied
"Yes. Listen to that,"" said the] a lady, but I psomised to oblige Mr. >>y <"<' ^*™<- named School Board, a female
matron. Stubbs. He's a wottler if ever there M**""
There was a sound of revelry from
across the way.
"That has been continuing all the
evening. It must cease."
"Do the wounded object ? " I
quired timidly.
D annum, rising by annual increments of IT, to
was one. II take all night to work 495 if untrained, and to £1000 if trained."
'is money off'." (Hn^/an- lli-mliL
I returned to the hospital in fear A good chanco f()1. all intending
and trembling.
in- 1 "The piano will cease playing directly
I lie money that has been put down
Methuselah.
People w-ho desire longevity drink wafer.
"They do not. Many of them mani- ; for it is exhausted," I reported fliplo- 1 Those who have tried it And tailed should try
fest a spirit of reprehensible frivolity in matically. Bwr."—Jafanea (iilirriiwineiit.
war-time. I object. Is this a time for " I have always found that any in- As sold in the Elysian Fields.
_NOVKM«KU -2\, 1915.] FUNCH, OR THE LONDON CII AIMVARI.
Recruiting Officer. "I'M AFRAID YOU WON'T OKI PAST THE DOCTOR."
1'imij but pugnacious Recruit. "I BET rr wox'i BE FOB THE WAKT o' ran*'.
\VMI
u '«?"
MALENTENDU CORDIAL.
THE alliance with France in our suburb is imperilled —
nay more, it is all but suspended. The regrettable in-
cident only shows how a mere choice of words, spoken
without a suspicion of malice or evil intent, may in a single
infelicitous moment undo the loving labour of years.
It happened in this way. In our suburb we are nothing
if not original, so it occurred to us to give a concert in aid
of the Belgian Relief Fund. The clou of the entertainment
promised to be the performance of a French lady vocalist,
a refugee, who had been a professional.
The eventful night arrived. Each artist was introduced
by our curate, who constituted himself a kind of articulate
programme, and then the French lady's turn came. Now
I am quite sure that the curate, a most earnest-minded
young man, was guiltless of any intention of facetiousness
in his introduction of Madame Chambellan ; he was incap-
able of it. Yet before she had started to sing the aria,
" Mon cirur s'ouvre d ta voix," the audience broke into
delighted laughter, and continued to give vent to subdued
giggles during the first few bars of the song. Gradually,
however, it dawned on them that no humour was intended,
whereupon their attitude became, and remained to the end,
one of half-aggrieved bewilderment, as of people who have
been unwarrantably deceived.
Madame came off the platform in high dudgeon, declar-
ing she had never been so insulted in her life and that
"ces Antjlais" were still the rudest, the most stupid and
tlio most perfidious people in the world. For how should
she, poor lady, ignorant of " Sister Susie Sewing Shirts for
Soldiers," appreciate the fact that her auditors had been
led to expect a French variant of that popular ditty by the
curate's announcement, expressed in the following terms :
" Madame Chambellan will now sing a chanson from
Samson, by SAINT-SAENS"?
TWENTY-TWO.
TWENTY-TWO
At the end of the week, if he'd seen it through.
We left his grave in the cure's hands ;
I met him as I was coming away—
A white-haired man in cassock and hands —
And I showed him where it lay.
" Twenty-two —
Yet he 'a older than you or me, M'sien,
And the riddle of time for him is read.
Yes, I will see the grave kept trim,
And after the prayers for our own are said
I will add a prayer for him."
Twenty-two —
Someone will bitterly weep for yon ;
Yet she '11 lift her head with a wonderful pride :
'He was my son, and his life he gave.
Shall I grudge such a gift, tho' my heart has died 7
He was brave : I must be brave."
Twenty-two —
Ah ! for the dreams that can never come true :
All that the world should have had in store 1
He was willing to die, though he loved to live.
\\ '» must be ready to follow — the more
That we 've many less years to give.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [NOVEMBER 24, 1915.
THE WATCH DOGS.
XXIX.
MY DEAR CHARLES, — I may not be
in a position at the moment to give
you information at first hand from our
own trenches, but I can give you the
next best thing — life stories of great
soldiers from the opposite trenches.
I don't recollect his name (Fritz as
likely as not), but, whatever he might
call himself, it was just fifteen months
ago when he suddenly realized the in-
tensity of his belief in himself and
everything German, and his scorn of all
other nationalities, temporarily except-
ing certain possibles in the Near East.
A passion for war came over him ;
battles and bloodshed, he discovered,
were things which appealed irresistibly
to his fair godlike Teuton manhood.
His newspaper told him what a fine
fellow he was and what a warlike
nature was his ; when he came to think
of it, he saw how true this all was,
especially the part about being godlike.
He itched for War, for which, it ap-
peared, he was already scheduled, and
his first experience of the horrors of it
did nothing to change his mind. He
came undaunted and unscathed through
a period at a training centre in the
interior, a period of garrison-duty in
occupied Belgium, and even more stren-
uous soldiering in a side-show on the
Eastern front, where, with nothing
more than a dozen or so heavy siege
batteries and at most a gross of field
guns behind him, he had to keep his
end up against hundreds of dangerously
angry peasants, armed with real sticks
and stones.
He not only held out, he liked hold-
ing out, and he was quite annoyed when
he was told to give over for a day or
two and come down to a soft job in the
West. They reminded him that he had
shown himself to be a finer fellow even
than originally supposed, and at last he
came to see that, even if things were
to be easier and less worthy of him in
the new area where the enemy hadn't
any sticks or any stones and had been
strafed into an abject inertia, he had
had a hard time and deserved a period
of rest and quiet. It would be hardly
worth while taking his rifle with him,
he suggested, if the enemy was as done
in as all that. " Perhaps you 'd better,"
they told him. " It is just possible the
French and English may attempt some
half-hearted violence in their last dying
spasm;" and so he entrained, and told
all his friends whom he saw en route
that he would write them long letters
from his new quarters, where he ex-
pected to be very quiet and have a lot
of time on his hands.
His holiday began in earnest as his
train approached the Western front ;
he was asleep at the time, but his
holiday beginning woke him up. His
first treat was a great spectacular
bomb-dropping turn by a French airman.
For this he was in the front row seats,
so to speak : long after it was all over
he laboured under the impression that
he had been the target instead of the
privileged audience. He said he really
should want some months of repose
after that, and was told that h« would
get it sure enough if ho wouldn't just
mind helping to restore so much of the
train as could be found to so much of
the line as was left. He took them at
their word, as became a well-disciplined
Teuton, but he couldn't help being
puzzled when he remembered their
earlier statements that the Allies had
practically no ammunition left, what
with English strikes and French revo-
lutions and German submarines and
suchlike. However, he and his fellow-
travellers, who were in the same case,
thought perhaps that this was the last
shell and got rid of the " practically."
But the English airman who was next
featured upset that argument (and a good
deal besides), giving them, in another
bomb or two, what you might call the
" All change here " chit. Our holiday-
maker concluded his journey on foot,
but even his country stroll somewhere
in France did not lack movement, being
enlivened by the Crump family, in their
side-splitting entertainment presented
by our gunners.
Twice detrained from above, much
harassed by public nuisances of all
sorts on the level, and lastly, even while
unpacking his valise in his dug-out,
rudely shaken from beneath, this ardent
enemy of ours lost first his ardour,
then his enmity, and conceived such an
affection for us that he must needs run
across the open that very night in order
to be, as he now is, among us.
By the way, you '11 take a morbid
pleasure in hearing that he quite agrees
with your view as to the trend of
affairs. We are being thoroughly
beaten on all sides ; the Central Powers
win all the way. He has this in writ-
ing from the people who are doing it.
We asked him, if this was so, why
he was in such a hurry to throw in
his lot with ours. But we had asked
him such a lot of questions by that
time that one can quite understand his
answer being a little confused.
This Fritz is not the only interesting
person I 've come in touch with just
lately. I have found the Eoyal Flying
Corps people not wholly depressing.
On occasion I borrow off them a gallon
of petrol to see me home : the pleasure
is theirs, they say ; the honour is mine,
I protest ; the petrol is, of course,
yours, Charles. These airy fellows talk
of war as if it were a day's shooting
and they the cock pheasants with the
best of the fun up aloft. Upon my word,
the hen who hatched such birds should
be a proud, if anxious, mother !
Other people quite well worth meet-
ing are our French Allies. I see a lot of
them these days, and it won't be long
before we are exchanging kisses. The
old Chief of the French side of my
business rolled up the other day. I
and my particular ally saluted accord-
ing to our several ideas of proud
humility. He waved all that sort of
thing aside, gave us a hand each to
hold, called us his infants, his brave
infants, his very brave infants, and we
concluded the parade by shedding a
few tears of affection and joy together,
still holding hands. To-day I have
with some pains composed and written
out orders for our new French depart-
ment, " signed by Henry, Lieut., for
Lieut.-Col. Commanding," which con-
cluded as follows : — "In end of account,
you will you remind that, the responsi-
bility of the French Service of what-
you-may-call in this Army being to
you, Mister the Colonel will well wish
to have all the confidence in you, he
will count on you and he will you
reinforce altogether and all at once if
you you find in the embarrassment of
the undiscipline."
Our idea of pur ally as a soldier is that
his ilan and gay courage are very much
more remarkable even than supposed ;
but for the dull heavy work of continued
warfare there is wanted, if we may say
so without offence, the more stolid
qualities of the English. On the other
hand the French opinion of their ally as
a soldier is that his dash and devilment
are really astonishing, even to the most
expectant critic ; but for the sordid
monotonous strain of this trench busi-
ness it needs (a thousand pardons ! )
the duller persistence of the French.
Yours ever, HENRY.
'"NO FAT' GRIEVANCES.
PLENTY TO COME FBOM TURKEY AND GREECE."
Morning Paper.
We have added this to our collection of
" Glimpses of the Obvious."
"Two mounted the parapets and the skirt
of the pipers was audible above the crash of
bombs." — Egyptian Gazette.
The tartan must have been of a pecu-
liarly loud pattern.
An advertisement : —
" DODGE BROTHERS
MOTOR CAR."
Morning Paper.
We always do so if we can, particularly
if Sister is driving.
NQVKMBKR 24. 1915.] PUNCH. OR THE Ln\D...\ rilAIMVARI.
; •
THE HERO OF THE HOUR.
As it was my first time liome on
lea\n from the r'ront, I had exacted
Hint my I ales of lint I Irs would create a
certain amount of inl crest amongst my
friends and relations. My haversack
\\iis tilled with (lei-man buttons, pieces
of shrapnel, shell fuses and other in-
struments of torture, picked up on the
si i icken field or bought in French
shops, and my tongue was eager to be
telling of hair-breadth escapes.
My arrival in Hampstead certainly
ed a little interest. My parents
wore glad to see ino safe and sound.
My sisters, so they said, were proud of
me. My aunt, who believes that every-
one should be sent to the Front the
day he enlists, and kept there until he
is killed, wished to know when I was
going back. I obliged her with the
date, and we sat down to dinner.
They asked me how I liked it, and
I started on the tales. They listened
in polite silence to what I had got to
say. Somehow the souvenirs in my
haversack began to lose their value,
and I decided that they had better stay
where they were till a more favourable
opportunity for exhibiting them pre-
sented itself. I turned the conversa-
tion from wars and rumours of victories
to the latest theatres. They were not
interested, and by the time we reached
the coffee I had decided that they pre-
ferred to talk rather than listen.
Had I seen a Zeppelin ? Did I hear
about that last raid ? Would I like to
see the piece of bomb that the house-
maid's young man had found, and the
housemaid had presented to the family
in recognition of an extra half-day out ?
Was I talking of going to a theatre,
and didn't I know that a London
theatre was the most dangerous spot
in the world ?
This conversation, in its turn, bored
me to distraction, for I was one of the
lucky two hundred of my battalion to
emerge undamaged from the last scrap.
But it showed me that to produce my
relics of the field was to invite indiffer-
ence and a further half-hour of Zep-
pelin anecdotes, so I pleaded acute
fatigue and went to bed.
Next day we talked of Zeppelins and
their frightfulness from breakfast to
teatime. Then, as I found myself the
least important member of the family,
I sought out a male friend and together
we went to Shell Out. Luck was
with me, for they came. I heard them
whirring in the distance and I saw
search-lights playing on the sky. I
never saw the smallest trace of a Zepp.,
and I didn't care to, for my object was
achieved, and I returned to Hampstead
happy and uplifted.
1 DON'T YOU THINK I SHOULD LOOK RATBEB A FOOL IX UXirOBM ? '
•WELL, OF COURSE, MY I>KAB FELLOW, IT US'T MICH OF A
They were all in the cellar when I
let myself in quietly and stole upstairs
to uiy room. There I rubbed some
earth from a pot of chrysanthemums
on my clothes and some dust from
the mantel - piece on my face. I
dragged my tie sideways, I ruffled my
hair, and I filled my pockets with my
souvenirs from the Front. Then I
crept down stairs, opened and closed
the front door noisily, and clattered
down into the cellar.
" Did you see them ? " exclaimed
my eldest sister. "They came right
over —
" See them ? " I interrupted, for my
time had come. " Why, bombs wen-
falling all round me, and one exploded
so near that it blew me ten yards up
the road ! Look at the state I'm in I
The shrapnel was bursting all over the
place! And two German officers fell
out and landed in the middle of the
street within live yards of me! I took
some souvenirs off them. Ixxjk at all
the things 1 've collected."
I produced several pieces of shrapnel,
a shell nose, four German buttons, two
dei muii badges, and the remainder of
the assortment. The family looked
at me in awc.l admiration. I was the
hero of the hour.
An Irishman's Bi»«.
"The new* th»t M»jor •
moled to the rank of CapUin
with much pleasure by hit boot of friends."
fn» Pntt (WtxforQ.
bw keen pro-
n WM rweired
430
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[NOVEMBER 24, 1915.
First Lady. "I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE WANT A CENSOR FOB. • HE DOESN'T SEEM TO PLEASE ANYBODY/'
Second Lady. "WELL, I DON'T WONDER. LOOK AT THE PRICE OF LUMP SUGAR 1"
THE PARALYSIS OF THE TENTH PLATOON.
(A Tragedy of Trench Warfare.)
STOUT miners all, their ardour knew no check
While forth we fared upon our warward way ;
They wrote long letters from the ship's safe deck,
Behind the boom of some -ZEgean Bay
(Breathing the hot inflammatory soul
Which comes, it seems, from always carving coal),
Of how they heard the hideous cannon's roll,
And many a vivid but invented fray.
And when we sought the catacombs of strife
The lust for slaughter yet illumed their eyes ;
On the way up they nearly took the life
Of two black braves from Afric (our Allies) ;
They longed to leap from out the sandbag's screen,
And in close combat satisfy their spleen ;
While I, who, truth to tell, was not so keen,
Hardly persuaded them it was not wise.
The slow days travelled, and no blood was drawn,
Yet long their hearts were lionlike and large,
For oft we woke them, on the cool still dawn,
To arm and hasten to the battle's marge,
And braced them up for some tremendous bout,
And when, of course, the General washed it out,
We said to-morrow would supply, no doubt,
Their fearful wish to make (or break) a charge.
Then, like a terrier too often spurred
To " seek " the quite imaginary rat,
Darting, all eager, at the lying word
With busy sniffs where never a rodent sat,
Till a vile doubt affects the brute with gall,
That it may be there are no rats at all,
And heedless now he hears his master's call,
And sits and wonders what he 's getting at — •
A dark distrust encompassed my platoon ;
Bored and incredulous they lie and brood ;
I say it 's Ramazan, the sacred moon,
When pious foes are likely to intrude ;
Night after night I venture to aver
That something still may possibly occur ;
They hear me sweetly, but they think I err,
And on the parados prepare their food. '
I know not if indeed the gleam is gone
That did inflame this melancholy crew,
Or if deep down some ember carries on,
And, when at last the Turk comes creeping through,
As some old golfer, once considered warm,
Is deadliest yet where thick the hazards swarm,
They in a flash may iind their ancient form —
Then Allah help the Faithful if they do !
I 'I NT II, OH Till: LONDON CHABTVABL— Novuinn 34. 1915.
p
—
CH
X
—
p
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tn
H
NOVEMBER 24, 1915.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 433
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
(EXTRACTED FROM THE DUET OF TODY, M.P.)
ASQUITH, BALPOUR, LLOYD GEORGE AND
LEAVE THE COUNTRY FOB A. SHORT TRIP TO
House of Commons, Monday, Novem-
ber 15th. — Twenty-nine years ago I
heard Lord RANDOLPH CHURCHILL,
standing at the corner of bench behind
that reserved for Ministers, explain
circumstances attendant upon his re-
signation of the post of Chancellor of
Exchequer and Leader of the House.
To-day I heard his eldest son, standing
in same place, recount circumstances
attendant upon resignation of Minis-
terial office and seat in Cabinet. WIN-
STON had advantage over his father in
matter of weather. When the former
made his historic speech spirits of
audience were depressed by incursion
of dense fog. As WINSTON spoke the
sunlight of a frosty afternoon played
on the windows.
RANDOLPH'S career was irretrievably
settled when he " forgot GOSCHEN."
Effect upon future of WINSTON will
be watched by the public with keen
sympathetic interest.
In opening passage of his speech
WINSTON gently chaffed EDWARD
CARSON, seated on Front Opposition
Bench, awaiting opportunity to pounce
on FOREIGN SECRETARY in correction
of statement made last week as to
attitude of Cabinet towards Serbia
EDWARD GREY, BEING OVEB MILITARY AOE, ABE, AFTER SEVERE BCRUTIXY, ALLOWED
PARIS.
which led to ATTORNEY - GENERAL'S
resignation. " The fact," he said, " that
I do not take my place on the Front
Opposition Bench does not imply
criticism on those who do."
With sly hit at whom it might con-
cern (he was talking at the moment of
Lord FISHER'S doubts and hesitations
touching Expedition to the Darda-
nelles), he declared he accepted re-
sponsibility for his written and recorded
opinions expressed in every case
' before not after the event."
These the only light Churchillian
touches in a speech of an hour's dura-
tion. Scrupulously avoiding personal
attack or even sharp criticism upon
colleagues from whose inner council he
had withdrawn, he contented himself
with detailed explanation and vindica-
tion of his own conduct, more especially
in relation to two episodes of whose
failure persistent rumour has made him
bear the brunt— attempted relief of
Antwerp, and the, at present, abortive
attack on the Dardanelles. Listened
to throughout with closest attention,
encouraged by frequent cheers, he sat
down amid prolonged applause, joined
in from every part of House.
PRIME MINISTER, in one of his
felicitous phrases, summed up general
opinion. "My Right Honourable
friend has," he said, "dealt with a very
delicate situation not only with ability
and eloquence, but also with loyalty
and discretion."
No higher tribute could be paid, nor,
coming from this quarter, one more
valuable.
huxinexs done. — Report stage of
Vote of Credit for £400,000,000 agreed
to without dissentient voice.
House of Lords, Tuesday.— Lord
FISHER, like K. OF K., is a rare visitant
to House of Lords. Busy men with
plenty of work to do, they feel they can-
not waste time in an august assembly
which one of them calls " the Talking
Shop." FISHER partly made up for
prolonged absence by coming in this
! afternoon excessively early. Seated
himself on Front Cross Bench. Wait-
i ing for stroke of half-hour at which
public business commences he conned
\ a broad sheet of manuscript produced
from an inner coat pocket. Promptly
1 at half-past four he rose. Successfully
repressing inclination to preface his
remarks by shouting " Ahoy ! " he said,
; " I ask leave of your lordships to make
a statement."
434
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[NOVEMBER 24, 1915.
At the moment their lordships did j PREMIER from accusation of hailing
not muster more than a score. Regard- ! between two opinions. At Question
less of empty benches the ADMIRAL
read on in loud voice which in this his
first attempt conquered faulty acoustics
of Chamber that have proved fatal
to many more experienced speakers.
Certain references to him had been made
on previous day by WINSTON CHURCHILL.
Having been in the service of his
country for sixty-one years, he was
content to leave his record in the hands
of his countrymen.
" It is," lie added, " unfitting to make
personal explanations affecting national
interest •when my country is in the midst
of a great war."
With this dig at WINSTON, possibly
allusive to his former colleague's re-
Time he had declared with confident
hope and belief that resort to coercive
methods of recruitment would not be
necessary. If hope and belief are not
realised he must have the men, and,
BONAR LAW unmistakably indicated,
he will compel them to come in.
Business done. — Commons read Ap-
propriation Bill a second time.
House of Commons, Wednesday. —
In temporary absence of PREMIER,
BONAR LAW answers for him at Ques-
tion Time, vice CHANCELLOR OF EX-
CHEQUER, still busy with his Budget.
A statement by HOME SECRETARY
shows how tightly the net is being
drawn round eligible men of military
mark about desirability of expressing age who develop sudden yearning for
opinion " before not after
the event," he sat down.
Only for a moment. Tuck-
ing his sheet of manuscript
in breast-coat pocket he
abruptly left House. If
anybody had anything to
say on the subject let them
speak. For his part, in the
briefest maiden speech ever
delivered in either House,
he had said all he had it at
heart to say.
In Commons a full House
awaited PREMIER'S state-
ment about compulsion. At
Question Time he was
heckled by group of Mem-
bers seated among his
nominal supporters who
believe themselves more
competent to conduct the
SCESE : War-work drawing-room on Sunday.
Hostess. "On, SHOUT OUT, COLONEL, IP YOU FEEL THE NEEDLES
IN THAT THING. Il 'S A PIN-CUSHION DUEING THE WEEK."
War than the newly-created
Council or even the General Staff, dis- 1 foreign travel. During continuance
respectfully spoken of this afternoon in of the War they will be required to
other House by that eminent military au- ! provide themselves with special per-
thority from St. David's (not the Bishop), j mit for the voyage. "And," added
Severe catechism elicited nothing fresh, j Sir JOHN SIMON, " it will not be given
Accordingly, when second reading of j without good cause."
Appropriation Bill was moved, making | SARK tells me of a rather awkward
opening for deliate on any topic rang- ' episode attendant upon the earliest
ing from China to Peru, WHITEHOUSE j working of the new Order in Council,
returned to the charge, protesting j Yesterday evening PRIME MINISTER, the
against compulsion in any form. In- FOREIGN SECRETARY, the FIRST LORD
cidentally he referred to Lord DERBY'S OF THE ADMIRALTY and the MINISTER
circular on subject of coyness of un-
married men as " an insult to the House
and a gross breach of its privileges."
By this time PREMIER bad retired,
" engaged on duties connected with the
War, which," BONAR LAW explained,
"make it absolutely impossible for
him to he here." Having, indeed,
OF MUNITIONS arrived at Dover on their
way to conference with French Govern-
ment in Paris. As they wore about to
step on board the packet-boat they
were approached by emissary of Home
Office with demand to show their per-
mission to leave the country. EDWARD
GREY, personally conducting the little
already started for Paris, and not being party of excursionists, furnished ex-
a bird, he could not at the moment be planation in French tongue. Home
on Treasury Bench. Office man naturally confused. Whilst
Task of replying to debate was de- I he hesitated the captains, and (if the
puted to COLONIAL SECRETARY. Admir- i Censor will psrmit me to say so) the
ably performed. Effectively defended kings, departed.
GEORGE CAVE, taking his seat on
re-election after his appointment to
Solicitor - Generalship, greeted with
hearty cheers from all parts of the
House, testifying to personal popularity
and approval of his promotion.
Business done. — Finance Bill through
Committee.
Thursday. — In debate on Appro-
priation Bill, much talk about reckless
waste of rations in the trenches and in
training camps at home. FORSTER,
speaking on behalf of War Office, threw
Hood of light on situation by simple
statement. As result of stricter super-
vision wanton waste has already been
checked. Yesterday report received
from one command stated " In the
mouth of October we saved 800,000 Ib.
of meat, a ton of mustard, a ton of
pepper, ten tons of salt, ten
tons of bread, and a ton of
bacon."
FORSTER beamed with
honest self -congratulation
at this evidence of efficiency.
House rather inclined to
regard it as painful confes-
sion of amazing miscalcula-
tion. Problem takes form
of Eule of Three sum. If
in one month, in a single
command, ten tons of bread
and a ton of bacon, not to
mention meat, mustard,
pepper and salt, are chucked
away by the ton, what has
been the aggregate of waste
over a period of fifteen
months in respect of an
Army of a million men ?
The harried tax - payer
cheerfully suffers personal
domestic privations. In order
generously to feed our gallant soldiers he
gives up luxury of breakfast bacon, cuts
down his butcher's bill, toys with the
pepper-castor and the salt-cellar and
saves up odd crusts of bread. But this
ton of wasted bacon, so to speak, sticks
in bis throat.
Business done. — Appropriation Bill
read a third time.
" I have had several kind anonymous dona-
tions, which are most encouraging to us at the
present time. Official receipts have been for-
warded as usual."
Hoi/lake and West Kirbij N< ira.
The anonymous donors now understand
what it is to "do good by stealth and
blush to find it fame."
and
From Miss F. E. MILLS YOUNG'S
recent novel, The Great Unrest, p. 59: —
" Among the tall reeds a swan was sitting,
busily hatching her annual brood of signets ;
the male bird was swimming about near her."
No doubt admiring these seals of his
wife's affection.
N.C.O. " 'EBE, ABE YOU AH ABTIST, OB A POET OB AWTTHIKK?'
Recruit. "No, SIR."
N.C.O. "WELL, GET YEB *AIB CUT BY NEXT PABADK, T1IES."
NEO-MONTESSOEIANISM.
[Suggested by a perusal of A Dominie's Log
by the Scots schoolmaster, Mr. NEILL, who
according to The Weekly Dispatch, has hac
the " tremendous courage " to run his school
on the no-discipline lines.]
I KNOW that I am teaching badly
when my bairns are quiet. Noise is
essential to life and I want to teach my
bairns how to live. Every good school-
master should do all that in him lies to
promote the dominion of din. The man
who said that silence is golden was a
cream-laid ass.
* * *
No self-respecting bairn should ever
be without an adequate supply of
cobbler's wax. I make a point of
giving each of niy bairns a fresh ball of
tliis precious substance at least once a
week. It not only pleases them but it
has often enabled me to stick to my
work long after I should have naturally
left my chair.
•!' '•',' *
As a boy my great ambition was to
possess (1) a Jew's harp ; (2) a saloon
pistol. Acting on the principle that
all boyish instincts are sound, I have
purchased and presented one of each
>o every bairn in my school and
encouraged them to bring them into ' send him to the top of the class. Top
class I do not insist, because insist- 1 boys are always unnonular. and thi
encc is a crime. As a matter of fact
only two of my bairns have declined to
come into line. The results are most
exhilarating, though so far I have only
had two flesh wounds in the leg.
x •:••
The cult of spelling is one of the
greatest curses of our educational sys-
tem. No really great man was a good
boys are always unpopular, and the
lesson is rarely wasted.
*
The prime essential in essay writing
is to know absolutely nothing about
the subject. Then and then only is it
possible to approach it in a spirit of
fresh and vital detachment. All know-
ledge is dangerous, but ignorance is of
the Seventh Heaven.
$ «
I have not been caned by my boys
speller. SHAKSPKAHK spelt his name
in nineteen different ways, and I en-
courage my bairns to follow his great [ for a fortnight. But it is I<K> much to
example. One of our best lessons con- ' hope that this immunity will last much
sists in spelling our names with the longer. Corporal p'unisbment for
fewest possible number of right letters, schoolmasters is as necessary as milk
I have given a prize to a bairn who for babes.
spelt his- Christian mime without a
single letter right — " Gekup " for
Jacob."
*
I object to age and experience ; I am
all for youth and empiricism. The duty
of a schoolmaster is not to teach, but
fco preserve the youthfulness of his
pupils by adopting their standpoint,
and dress,
pants.
I always wear short thick
for l>abes.
•• Miss would be grateful to any lady
or gentleman who could recommend bar as
Single Footman."
}\'allintjl-m tuid Car thai ton Herald.
We admire the lady's courage. She is
too brave to serve as a Married Foot-
man after Mr. ASOVITH'S explicit pledge.
"'Truth.' cries Lord Milncr, 'truth all
round.' Thug spake Pecksniff that unctuous
advocate of ' Terewth.' " — Kreniny Paper.
'This was when Pecksniff was masquer
If one of my bairns misbehaves, I j ading under the alias of Chadban<t.
436
PUNCH, OR THE
LONDON
CHARIVARI.
[NOVEMBER
24,
1915.
brows, her voice,
Cain, or anyt
ling else
he exclaimed
glaring at
me
fiercely
LIFE ON A HALVED INCOME.
MY efforts to live on half my income
have not hitherto been very encourag-
ing. To begin with, my income is
already half my income ; that is to say,
it is exactly half what it was eighteen
months ago ; and the attempt to live
on a quarter of the income to which I
have been accustomed has shown me
with appalling clarity the hopelessness
of my outlook.
As matters stand at present I feel I
am ploughing a very lonely furrow.
People upon whose co-operation I con-
fidently relied are not helping me a bit.
They don't meet me half-way. They
don't even half-meet me half-way,
which is the least they could do if this
half-income business is intended to be
at all reciprocal. For instance, last
week I sent my landlord a cheque for
my somewhat overdue
Michaelmas rent ; not
for the full rent, but for
half. As I pointed out
to him in my letter, if
I was expected to live
on half my income, it
was clear that I could
only afford to pay half
rent ; and as he too was
doubtless living on the
same principle, it would
save him a lot of un-
necessary book-keeping
if I only remitted the
half he was morally
entitled to spend. On
receiving his reply I
was agreeably sur-
prised to find my
own cheque enclosed.
Good ! " I thought.
indicative of acute indignation or disap-
pointment I shall pretend I made a
mistake.
In the interim I am doing my best
to halve everything possible. The other
morning the cook-general was laid up
in bed, the inclement weather having
brought on a bad attack of asthma,
which, owing to the increased cost of
drugs, she had not taken the necessary
steps to ward off. As I had to get my
own breakfast I thought it would be a
good opportunity to try to poach half an
egg. This was harder than it sounds.
I found I could poach the yolk alone, or
the white alone. To isolate either was.
a simple matter. But when it came to
severing the conglomerate mass into
halves the egg slid all over the dish, and
ultimately found a destination on the
hearth-rug. However, I succeeded in
and suspiciously. " Yes," I answered.
" You see, though I said the child had
only one foot, what I really meant was
that it has Siamese feet — joined to-
gether, you know. That 's why I must
have an eight."
But my attempt was (pardon me)
bootless. Lastly I found that what a
contributor to Punch has already af-
firmed— that dentists are not reducing
their fees — is correct. I went with the
intention of getting the dentist to stop
a runaway bicuspid which had been
annoying me. " How much are you
charging these times?" I asked when
I ,had told him what I wanted. "A
guinea," he replied. " But," I said, " I
am attempting to live on half my in-
come. Can't you meet me in the
matter of your fee ? " " Certainly," he
" My fes for total extraction is
half - a - guinea — just
half ; and you may take
the tooth away with
you if you like."
Thus for a hideous
five minutes I had the
melancholy satisfaction
of living at half my
normal rate of ex-
penditure.
said.
' He 's a sport.
He 's going to live on no income at all.
He 's not going to do things by halves."
This latter part of my surmise proved
to be correct. My landlord demanded
a cheque for the rent in full, failing
which he threatened to put a man in
possession — a whole one.
This was not a very comforting start.
I then sent for my cook-general, and
via the inclement weather, her asthma
and the increased cost of drugs — each
topic cropping up out of the other with
perfect naturalness — I adroitly intro-
duced the subject of a reduction" in
wages.
And now
I am wondering whether
her emphatic "Not 'alf " was a cordial
acceptance or an indignant repudiation
of my suggestion. I wish I were better
versed in the actual meaning of catch-
phrases. Meanwhile I don't know
whether she will expect thirty shillings
or three pounds at the end of the month.
I shall begin by giving her thirty shill-
ings, and then if she raises her eye-
was present when a gentle-
man was engaging iiursiss
over the telephone, and the
girls were talking the salary
up by degrees. When the
figure reached £120 he
could hear them turn up
their noses from where he
stood." — Evening Paper.
The worthy Councillor
retrieving most of it, and put it into the I must be a relation of the Sergeant-
Husband (after smash). "DARLING, SOMETHING SEEMS TO TELL ME THAT 'IN
THESE TIMES OP NATIONAL CBISIS WE OUGHT TO MAKE A SACRIFICE BY — BE —
DOING WITHOUT THE MOTOR."
' Councillor -
• said ho
poacher, though from the subsequent
result I am still very hazy in my mind
as to whether I have really effected an
economy in half-poaching a whole egg
instead of whole-poaching a half-egg.
My next attempt was in the matter
of boots. I possessed a pair, one of
which was worn out, the other with
many months of useful service before
it. I can't explain why they should
have been in this uneven condition,
unless I have unconsciously formed
the habit of walking more with one leg
than with the other. Be that as it
may, I went to the bootmaker's and
an order for one boot. He
wouldn't listen to me. The
placed
simply
more I placed the order the less he
listened. Finally, in desperation, I
invented a purely mythical child who,
I said, had been born with only one
foot, and was now threatened with total
bootlessness. He became so far inter-
ested as to inquire the size. I told
him an eight. " Eights for a child ? "
Major who, at the words " Eyes front,"
expected the eyeballs to go back with a
click.
"Mr. George H. Greig of Winnipeg, secre-
tary of the Livestock Association, will arrive
in Vancouver to-day to support the call that
has heen sent by Augustine Church to Rev.
Leslie Pidgeon of St. John's Church, Van-
couver."— Daily Province (Vancouver).
The reverend gentleman could not have
had a more appropriate basker.
"Experienced Parlourmaid Wanted for 20
minutes from London; wages £28, all found."
Morning Paper.
Even in these days £1 8s. Qd. a minute
is a generous wage.
" At last the long-expected missive arrived,
and it contained one word, ' Peccavi ! ' An
Hindustani scholar was sought, and he trans-
lated it. ' I have sinned (Scinde) ! ' '
Auckland Weekly News.
This detail regarding Sir CHARLES
NAPIER'S famous despatch is quite
new to us.
NOVEKBEB 24, 1915.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CIIAU1VAKI.
THE EVE OF THE GRAND INSPECTION.-A G.R. NIGHTMARE.
I AWAKE TOO LATE.
III RHY OS A JEW THUCGB, AMD LBAVB THE HOC« WITH A t>
THAT ALL IN HOT WMX.
TEN MILES TO THE PARADB
GKOUHD— IMPOSSIBLE !
BfT STAY !
iron • '-' owl
MACHINE GIVES OUT. HOWEVER
V SHOVED is THE FRONT, OF COCBSE.
' — THEN— ISBPECTIOK !
I SHALL HAVE TO COT OCT SVPPEBS.
439
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [NOVEMBBB 24, 1915.
THE NOVEL.
" Francesca," I said, " I 've quite made up my mind.
It 's going to be done."
" 1 'm sorry to hear it," she said ; " it will be too short."
" No, no," I said ; " it '11 be just the right length."
" It never is, you know. You may be relied on to get it
much too short."
" Don't talk nonsense, Francesca. The length is settled."
"And that," she said, "is just what I complain of. It
always comes out as no length at all ; and then we shall
have you going about the house for a week or two looking
like a German soldier clipped for action."
"That," I said, "is mere insolence. Besides, it has
nothing to do with what I 'm talking about. I shall do it
in a hundred-and-twenty thousand words."
" A hundred-and-twenty thousand snips, you mean. You
can't use as many words as that, you know. And, if you
did, you couldn't count them."
"Yes," I said, "I could. It's perfectly easy. I should
either average it at three hundred words to a sheet of
foolscap or —
"I do not know," said Francesca, "what this poor
gentleman is talking about. I trust the world will be kind
to him, for much learning hath made him mad. Come,"
she added sharply, " what are you driving at '? "
" I am driving," I said, " at my first novel, which I am
going to start without fail in half-an-hour from now."
" Gracious heavens ! " she laughed, " I thought you were
talking about getting your hair cut."
"Francesea," I said impressively, "I have noticed with
growing regret a tendency on your part to neglect the
higher things of the mind. I want the mantle of FIELDING
and you throw round my shoulders a hairdresser's linen
sheet. How, I ask you, can Art (with a capital A) flourish
in such an atmosphere ? "
" Art," she said, " with or without a big A, can look after
itself. It generally has to. But if you 're really going to
write a novel I take back all I said against your having
your hair cut. I have noticed that in novels novelists are
always contemptuously referred to as ' long-haired.' Now
I want you to be an exception, so you can go at once and
get your hair cropped close to the skull."
" Then," I said, " I shall be contemptuously referred to
as ' short-haired.' I think I shall write my novel with my
hair as it is."
"And then," she said, "you'll be contemptuously referred
to as 'medium-haired.' You're sure to be caught what-
ever you do ; and besides your hair will grow as you go
along. You 'd better give up this strange idea of writing
a novel."
" You are not," I said, " very encouraging. Is it nothing
to you that you should some day be referred to as the
original of Alexandra in the novel of that name, or that
men and women, when they see you, should nudge one
another "
" Men and women don't nudge one another in the best
circles. They 've given it up with butlers and motor-cars
and other luxuries. There 's an Anti-nudge Society, and
I'm going to belong to it."
" Anyhow," I said, " that won't prevent your being
spoken of as the wife of Carlyon the novelist. What a
glorious day that '11 be for us ! "
" It '11 be all right for you," she said, " but I don't much
see where I come in."
" Don't you ? " I said. " You '11 have a lot of reflected
glory, and so will Muriel and Nina and Alice and Frederick.
Their paths through life will be made easier for them."
" Well, well," she said, " let us hear something more
about this wonderful piece of work. What's it called?
Alexandra ? "
" No," I said, " that 's another one. This one hasn't got
a title yet."
"What is it about? "
"Oh," I said enthusiastically, "people, you know — men
and women, and some of them fall in love with one another,
and other people interfere with them; but it'll all come
right in the end — trust me for a happy ending — and some
of them will be agreeable people, and some of them disagree-
able, but wo can kill most of the disagreeable ones off in a
railway accident, and then the nice ones can have their
money. How does the idea strike you ? "
" Yes," she said, " I think I see what you mean. Will
there be a plot in it ? "
"Nothing too violent," I said. "Just a gentle under-
current to keep things together."
" It '11 be rather a queer undercurrent, won't it, if it does
that ? However, you know best, of course. Will there be
a hero?"
"There isn't much done in heroes of novels nowadays;
but I think I '11 have one."
" Blue eyes? "
"No," I said, "dark brown, the sort of dark brown that
has a red flash in it in the dark."
" You 're thinking of dogs," she said. " And, by the way,
who 's going to take the dogs out for walks while you 're
writing your masterpiece?"
" Arrangements," I said, " must be made for the dogs. I
can't afl'ord to subordinate fame to a Great Dane and three
Pekinese spaniels."
" Well," she said, " you 'd better be off now and make a
start. There 's no time like the present."
"Yes," I said, "there is. This time to-morrow will be
much more like the present. I shall begin then."
" You might start on your hair to-day."
"Yes," I said, "I will."
" And don't forget about the dogs," said Francesca.
E. C. L.
A LITEEAEY WAE WOEKEE.
(The favourite reading at the Front is, we are informed, the
novelette of the more sentimental kind.)
IN these days of stress and tumult, when the frightfulness
of war
Eeadjusts the private notions which were prejudiced before,
It behoves the present critic to express his deep regrets
For his strictures on the makers of the nation's novelettes.
He has sneered at them and found it far from easy to forgive
Their adeptness at the splitting of the frail infinitive ;
He has sniggered at the love scenes, where, in sylvan spots
apart,
Eva emptied over Ernest all the slop-pail of her heart.
But to-day the case is altered, now that somewhere that is
French
'Tis the novelette brings comfort to the troops that man the
trench ;
Tommy, resting from his labours, is perusing with a zest
How Sir Brandon hugged Belinda to his large expanse
of breast.
Here 's a luck to such romancing ; may ideas be never
short
To the British novelettist of the sentimental sort !
May whatever gods inspire him keep his fancy free and fit,
For he 's Tommy's favourite reading ; so he does his little
bit!
NOVEMBEB 24, 1915.] PUNCH, OR THE
Joan. "PABSON 'E BE ALWAYS ASKIN' FOB MONEY FOB 'is HEW
WANTS A NEW SET O' TEETH?"
' APPARATUS.' WHY DOS'! '* JC«T SAY, FLAM, AS 'OW '•
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
(By Mr. Punch's Sta/ of Learned Clerks.)
THE name of the Baroness VON HUTTEN recalls agreeable
memories of Pam, whom she created and projected, for our
benefit, into the field of literature. I regret not to be able
to assert that in Birds' Fountain (HUTCHINSON) she has
reached her ancient standard. If she set out to write a
trivial tale, flavoured with something more than a soupqon
of naughtiness, about highly uninteresting people, she may
be said to have achieved a considerable success. As to the
characters, my profound conviction is that all of them,
with the possible exception of Mr. Immenham, a butler,
would be the better of a sound spanking. The heroine is
Mrs. Cloudesley Dorset, whose tiring-room is described in
the opening chapter with an amplitude and particularity of
detail calculated to bring a blush to the cheek of a hardened
male reviewer. She is supremely shallow-pated and very
beautiful, and, having passed what the author describes as
a petty useless silly little life, she finally entangles herself
in an intrigue with Mr. Archibald Hood, a Don Juan. Her
husband is so deeply devoted to her that, to ensure her
happiness, he is willing to put her in a position to marry
her adorer and to settle seven thousand pounds a year on
her. I ought to add — though this does not explain Mr.
Dorset's complaisance— that she is able to "smooth her hair
with absent skilful fingers," a pretty trick to which I invite
the attention of Messrs. DEVANT. The story oscillates
between elopement and reconciliation, and finally conies
down with a bang on the right side of the fence after
Mr. and Mrs. Dorset have, to the surprise of the latter, met
and embraced at the grave of their child. Mr. Hood's fate
is not described, but I trust we are entitled to assume that
the statue of the Commtndalore will get him.
Quite one of the most remarkable books I have encountered
for a long while is My People (MELROSE). When I tell \«»
that the name of the author is CAHADOC EVANB you will
perhaps be able to make an intelligent guess at the nation-
ality of the People described. But no guessing coul
you any idea of the quality of these horrible (I use
the word advisedly] studies. The Welsh peasantry have
been written about before now, in a variety of aspects : licro
we have them, or, as I would prefer to hope, the lowest
class of them, from within. Not a trace here of poetry,
imagination or those pleasing manifeUations of the Celtic
spirit that we have learnt to associate with Art movements
and the soulful eccentricities of the over-educated. I can
best compare My People to the grimmest passages from
HARDY, told in the language of the Old Testament,
sordid brutality of them is only half relieved by a gleam of
savage humour that the author sometimes permits himself
in the telling. It doesn't sound pleasant, does it ? Yet the
power of the thing is altogether undeniable. For page
after page Mr. KYAXS holds you, as The Ancient Mariner
held The Wedding Giust, and your unwilling attention has
no chance of escape. A word of warning however; My
People is emphatically not a book for indiscrimate leaving
about, even in these days of toleration. Mrs. Grundy is not
so much flouted as ignored by Mr. EVANS. One feela
that he is telling of what he knows and has himself experi-
enced ; it is this that gives its horrible fascination even to
440
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [NOVEMBER 24, 1915.
the most repellent of the stories. The fact that they are
also literature will make me watch the writer's future work
with interest.
It is a long time since I read a new novel which reminded
me of CHARLES KEADE, who latterly has been no one's
model. Yet all the way through Mr. KIAVAUD NOBLE'S
story, The Bottle Fillers (HEINKMAXN), recollect ions of Hard
Cash rose before me. Not only is there in it a young man
the victim of circumstances, and usually in search of a job,
but the book was written with a reforming purpose, the
author's desire being to see more justice done to the brave
men of the Merchant Service (who fill our bottles and
larders) and more vigilance on the part of the Board of
Trade (or Plaster Saint, as that august body seems to be
known at sea) to check rascally owners. So long as he is
at sea Mr. NOBLE is tine. He can marshal a storm with the
best and prove every step
of a fight with the elements.
But on land he is less con-
vincing, and I must confess
to getting as tired of Liicy
as of her forerunner in
EEADE'S too lengthy attack
on private asylums. Nor
do I think it necessary for
Mr. NOBLE to be so ruthless
to both hero and heroine
(not to mention their only
child), as he is. The book
would have been no worse
and the reader would have
been far happier had
O'Hagan and his young
wife escaped from the final
wreck.
Those who only know
their " GEORGE A. BIRMING-
HAM'" in a mood of
boisterous humour may not
recognise him as a grim
retiarius throwing his net
of Gossamer (METHUEN)
over the politicians of his
native land, Covenanter and
Nationalist alike, with distinctly hostile intent.
Editor. "THIS JOKE ISN'T BAD. BUT WHAT HAS THE PICTURE GOT
TO DO WITH IT? IT SEEMS TO BE MERELY A STUDY OF SEA AND SKY."
Marine Painter (u'ho lias turned to humorous Art). "WELL, IF YOU
READ IT AGAIN YOU'LL SEE THAT IT 's A CONVERSATION BETWEEN
TWO MEMBERS OF A SUBMARINE CREW."
It is a
hostility pleasantly disguised by a sub-acid, cynical humour
and a genial detachment. A dispossessed Irish gentleman,
Sir James Digby, disgruntled victim of Land Purchase, is
the narrator of this acceptable trifle of a tale. The other
chief folk are a glib-tongued Nationalist, Gorman (a sketch
not void of malice), and Ascher, a subtle, likeable financier
of German nationality, who, when the War comes, deals
fairly with the nation that has been for so long his kindly
host. I hasten to say, in these suspicious times, that this
doesn't mean that Canon HANNAY is a pro-German. So far
as I can make out he has been recently and quite enormously
impressed by the delicate texture of the financial network
\vhich covers and holds together the world — this is really
his " gossamer" — and has worked off his new and perhaps
somewhat amateurish wonder in this mild discursive book.
But I can honestly say that I read every word of it with
interest, for the reverend author has a jolly way with him,
even when he is not meaning to be funny.
"I offer," says Sir KAY LANKESTER, in a preface to
Diversions of a Naturalist (METHUEN), "these chapters to
the reader as possibly affording to him, as their revision
has to me, a welcome escape, when health demands it,
from the immense and inexorable obsession of warfare;"
to which I should like to add that, whether my health
demanded it or not, I have tried and approved of his pre-
scription. The articles hero have already been published in
The Daily Telciji'aph under the name of " Science from an
Kasy Chair," surely as seductive a title as the wit of a
Professor could find. The author, however, has not only
a nice taste for titles, but also the knack of presenting
scientific facts in a form that will not disagree with the
most delicately shy digestion. Even I, who thought myself
a " douser," and now discover that my twig " plunged "
merely because my muscles became fatigued, must accept
this blow to my illusion with a good grace, out of pure
gratitude for the tonic quality of Sir RAY'S Diversions.
It was doubtless because Mr. KILEY knew that the hero
of his book, NetJicrleii/li
(HERBERT JENKINS), would
have to be taken with a
grain of salt that he housed
him in an attic so that the
salt should be of the right
kind. Certainly it is not
easy to believe in this young
man of twenty-five. He is
suffering from heart troubles
and has been so completely
confined to his room that
he knows nothing of life
but what he has learned
from books, casual conver-
sation and the country
view from his window. If
you can believe in him —
and I advise you to try —
you should have a good
many laughs and quite a
number of smiles over his
record of the life which he
starts at the instance of a
new doctor who tells him
not to be a mummy any
longer but to wake up.
His travels don't take him
far beyond his village, but
he meets people whom he has a very happy knack of
describing so that you get to know them and like them.
Occasionally he seems to see them with eyes that have
more experience than the conditions justify ; but that is
where Mr. EILEY comes in. After all, you can't expect an
author to publish his hero's manuscript altogether unedited.
Another Poser for Lord Derby.
"A married man who enlists under the deferred service scheme and
is sent back to civilian life would be permitted to marry, and when
he was called up his wife would be entitled to separation allowance."
Yes, but which wife?
Manchester Evening News.
"GERMANY'S LACK OF METALS.
SUGGESTION TO BREAK ur STATUTES."
AV/.s/cnr i'rorince Herald (ti. Africa).
Germany appears to be faced with " Eed ruin and the
breaking-up of laws."
An optician's advertisement : —
"OscULlSTS1 PRESCRIPTIONS ACCURATELY KXKCUTED.
There 's many a slip 'twixt the eye and the lip.
IMNC1I, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVABL
CHARIVARIA.
A HOOK which is having
vogue in Berlin describes the entry of
(lie (Ionium Army into London, and
mentions incidentally lh.it the troops
marched over London I'.i id^e, us the
Charing dross Bridge had been demol-
ished on the previous day by heavy
German artillery. \Vc are glad to see
that this insidious al tempt to enlist the
sympathy of Londoners for the invader
is being countered in advance, as the
Houth-Kastern Railway Company is
proposing to improve the appearance
of this engineering atrocity.
V
The Censor who wrote, a propos of the
story of a soldier's letter to his mother
being destroyed without his being told
the reason, " I feel safe
in saying that this is the
work of one of the base
censors," was perhaps
unduly hard on his col-
league. He may have
been merely stupid.
Golf as played by the
A MM: OF AFGHANISTAN is
a great improvement on
the ordinary Scottish
variety. There are no
hunkers on the course
at Jalalabad, and tea is
Further evidence of the „..„„, „
bane I eoinlili.iu i, tin-
oil the notopapei- of \Voi.i
graphic I'.mvaii p Mimes no
responsibility of any kind for the
of the news which it circnl
But the statement tha' its d.-sp,,
will in future be known as •• Lainb'>
Tal'--." i- a> \et iiiicontinuod.
He is a big strong-looking young
man, and has tried again and again to
get into the Army, but never a .1
will pass him. However, ho has n
given up hope, and wrote home the
other day, " If they won't take me as a
combatant, damme if I won't go to tin-
Front as a chaplain."
In order to set an example of
Ubon
An iiig.'mou, hid) i,.i, <hM.,vend
p.u-kt-1 wit),
•» can be ><m on tin;
'
• on the :o jn.
lhinnn.it. i ries are expect-
ing a largo addition !.. their circul.-
on every green.
This has given a new
of life to several
overworked jokes about
caddies and spoons.
In a review of Lord
RKDICSDALE'S Memories, -
The Saturday Review says that Prince
LOBANOFF, the Russian Ambassador in
London, claimed as his own " Lord
Beaconsfield's celebrated epigram,
' London is the key of London.' " The
Hat unlit y Ucv/i'ir is too modest.
epigram is entirely its own.
-
That
We understand that the American
motor-car manufacturer whose adver-
tisements are being so ostentatiously
refused by certain British journals is
quite happy about it. So long as his
name gets into the papers every day he
doesn't mind how little he pays for the
publicity. * ;:;
*
In view of the scarcity of clothing
materials an invention for preparing
paper in such a way as to make it
suitable for almost every article of ap-
parel has been welcomed in Germany.
The KAISER is greatly taken with the
idea, and has instructed t he CHANCBLLOB
to compile a popular pamphlet entitled,
" What to do with the Old Treaties."
THE SUPER-PATRIOT.
economy the Government have ordered
the substitution of steel nibs for the
time-honoured quills in the House of
Commons writing-rooms. But they
have not yet ventured to abolish or
curtail the" Members' £400 a year.
Their motto is : " Take care of the
pens and the pounds will take care of
themselves." *
*
It is not true, we see, that the
Brixton policemen, when directing the
traffic, wear a red lamp on their backs
to prevent themselves from being run
down. Another suggestion that their
boots should be covered with luminous
paint was rejected on the ground that
it might give too much information to
enemy aircraft. * *
The American Ambassador at Berlin
has described the brutalities inflicted
upon British prisoners in Germany :
but we have as yet seen no protect
from tho American Ambassador in
Ijondon against the provision of " free
writes: — "In »•
years ago you state 1 tha man
Ambassador had iniido ropre^.
complaining that whilst certain notices
;n the South - Eastern and Chatham
railway carriages were rendered in
French, the German version was omit
H ted. As a result, no
doubt, of the piil.hc.t'.
\ou gave to the matter,
company
actually had new notices
prepared : —
• Do not lean out of the win-
dow.
Ne pa*M pcnchcr »u dehorn.
NlCIIT 1II*\'
Now. Sir, I have ' dum-
my bit.' I have used
three quarters of a packet
of court-plaster and the
gummy edges of sundry
envelopes in sun.
tiously obliterating the
• NICHT.' 1 have also
' ruined both blades of my
pocket-knife upon the
impenetrable enamel of
this unpatriotic legend ;
_ , but the evil is too w
spread to yield to individual effort."
* tt
*
Lord PONTYPRIDD, opening a bazaar
at Trehai ris recently, said that, though
he was a member of many clubs, a
Welsh Nonconformist chapel could not
bo beaten as a club. It is understood
that the Committees of the Devonshire,
tho Reform and the National Liberal
are contemplating the institution of
Pleasant Sunday Afternoons in tho
hope of retaining his lordship's dis-
tinguished patronage.
" An old coloured print. Napoleon Crowing
the Alps, and several other people ; price £80."
TtuBataar.
It w.is a firm rule of NAI-OI.KOS never
to undertake a campaign single-handed.
" Wounded noldiers are taken by well-known
Cairene inhabitant! to Me the lights of Egypt
in pyjamas."— Sphere.
Considerable difficulty, we are told, was
experienced in tilting out the Sphinx.
VOL. CXLIX.
442
.PUNCH, Oil THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[DECEMBER 1, 1915.
THE UEBERLAND ROUTE.
(Reverie of a Sultan?)
OF course it 's very nice for me,
And should, by rights, promote a gay mood,
To keep the course to India free
For WILLIAM'S passage ; this should be
The best of fun for MEHMOUD.
I ought to like, for his pure sake,
Remembering how superb a Boss it is,
To hang about in FERDIE'S wake
And watch the vulgar Bulgar break
Our record in atrocities.
And yet the prospect turns me bluo.
Must I (God's shadow as I am) lick
The KAISEK'S crushers, should he do
A grace to me in passing through,
And light at my Selamlilc ? •
Let 's hope he may not turn aside
To share with me an hour's inertia;
But, taking Bosphorus in his stride,
Push on to make the East his bride
By way of poor old Persia.
Else he may find the foe en route,
Ready to bar his road at Bagdad,
And Father's mouth will then be mute
To LITTLE WILLIE'S cry for loot : —
" Me for the Indian swag, Dad ! "
O.S.
THE SOUVENIR.
THEY were a carriage - full of "veterans," returning on
short furlough from Flanders— the new kind of veteran,
made by just the fifteen months of hard campaigning that
had filled their lives without cessation since they had landed
to the tune of " Tipperary " in August of last year. Veterans,
yet so close was their youth behind them that it would not
be denied, and bubbled out of them in strange contradic-
tion of their warworn appearance. Stories of Mons, the
Marne and " Wipers " were incongruously interspersed
with reminiscences of callow larks and ingenuous antici-
pations of the times they were going to have during their
short leave.
First one and then another produced some treasured
souvenir that he was carrying back — a helmet, a piece
of shell or shrapnel. They all displayed their trophies,
excepting one somewhat older, hard-bitten man, who sat a
little aloof, taking no part in the loud talking and showing
but small interest.
At last one of the men addressed him directly : " Wot
'ave you got ? "
" Nuthink," he replied shortly.
" Wot ! not an 'elmit nor nuthink to giv yer gal ? "
" Ain't gort no gal."
" Well, yer ole mother, then."
" 'Ere ! Never you mind abaht my ole mother, or you '11
get a thick ear, me lad ! "
" Ow ! All right, 'Arry."
" And," fiercely, " my niine ain't 'Arry ! "
" Blimey ! Marmajuke, then."
A row seemed imminent, but peace was restored on the
understanding that " Ginger didn't mean no 'arm."
"Funny your 'aving no souveneers," ventured one of the
peacemakers ingratiatingly. " They ain't 'ard to find."
"Ain't gort no use fer 'em. Mug's gime, I calls it,
crawlin' abaht wiv shells and bullets dropping all arahnd
yer, tryin' to find an 'elmit. Fat lot of good an 'elmit 'ud
be to me if me 'ead was blown orf gettin' it ! Wot 's the
blinkin' good of an 'elmit if you 've gort no 'ead to put
it on when yer showing it to people, eh '? "
" But if you was to come acrost one, in a wye o' speaking,
I s'pose, nah, you 'd pick it up? "
" Ow, if it was to come into me 'and, as you might sye, I
wouldn't mind, same as a souveneer wot I did 'appen to
get. It 's the only one I gort, and it was just shoved into
me "and wivaht looking fer it."
" Was it, nali ? And wot might it be ? "
They all became interested.
"Ow, it ain't much." And he produced a small iron
door-knocker from his pocket.
" W'y, that's only a blinkin' knocker," said Ginger; " I
s'pose yer pinched it off of some pore old Frenchwoman's
cottage door."
" Well, if yer thinks that, yer a bit aht, then, Mister
Body-snatcher. That thete knocker 'as an 'istory, it 'as,
wot I '11 tell yer abaht, if you blokes can keep that there
Ginger's rnahth shut bafore I 'as to close it permanent
by knockin' his buck teeth dahn his perishin' throat ! "
The necessary guarantees being given, he resumed.
" This 'ere knocker 'as an 'istory, as I ses. One night —
must 'a' bin lawst December — I was in Wipers : a perish-
in' cruel night it was, too. There was a bitin' wind and
rain, and I was just abaht fed up wiv the 'ole job. I was
goin' dahn one of them side streets, just orf the Clorth
'All — you know the plice as it was then — pore ole Wipers,
ain't much left of it nah ! " — there was a sympathetic mur-
mur of assent. " Well, as I was sying, I was walkin'
dahn this 'ere street, sloppin' an' 'obblin' along them
blinkin' cobbles in the dark, w'en I sees one of them French
pubs, wot they calls ' Eastarninets,' wiv a cosy light.
Dim, o' corse, but warm-lookin' and snug, an' a bit of a
sing-song comin' aht. Not 'xac'ly the sime as a Bermond-
sey pub of a Saturday night, but lively for that 'ole of a
Wipers. ' 'Ere goes,' ses I, thinkin' of a few pints of
that there French beer, wot is wet all right, but don't
seem to touch the spot. 0' course there wasn't no double
swing doors, with ' Public Bar ' writ on them — just a plain
door with this 'ere knocker. So I gives a knock, and waits
there in the drivin' rain. After a bit, seeing as no one
come, I ups with the knocker again to give a fair ole belt
wiv it, and — " he paused while they all leant forward
anxiously — "blimey! if a blinkin' Jack Johnson didn't blow
the 'ole 'ouse out of me 'and ! "
The Capital of the Abbasids.
" BAGDAD, which figures so largely as the city of the abased caliphs
in the Arabian tales." — Cork Constitution.
There is good reason to hope that the misprint will shortly
be justified.
From a review of Mr. EUGENE COBRI'S Thirty Years
a Boxing Boferee : —
"Full of admiration for the matchless courage and splendid endur-
ance of the old-time men of tho ring, he still thinks that baking,
viewed as a great national sport, was never in a healthier state than
it is to-day."
Mr. CORRI will now give the reviewer one in the bread-
basket.
" Large quantities of herrings and sprats have been netted by the
Avoch fishermen in the Inverness Town Hall during the past week."
Highland Leader.
We print the extract as received, but feel sure there is
some catch in it.
THE PKOMISE OF WINTER,
Eussu. "MY SEASON, I THINK"
IN DARKEST LONDON.
'DROPPED AXYTHINQ?".
'WHAT ABE YOU LOOKING) FOB, THEH?"
•No."
' L.EICE8TEB SQUARE."
THE WAY TO THE CITY OF
LIGHT.
IT is not with the City of Light that
I am concerned — sad City of Light,
still shocked and perplexed, although
steadfast enough, by GUILLAUME'S piti-
less ambition ! My theme is the journey
thither, which, no doubt with excellent
reasons (for I am one of those few
eccentric creatures who believe that
Downing Street knows more and is
wiser than Fleet Street), is being made
increasingly difficult every day. For
what docs the fair land of France,
already so burdened by its own cares,
want with civilian strangers, however
noble their motives ? The fewer, obvi-
ously, the better.
Getting to France, then, never very
easy since the cloven hoof of Prussia
showed through the iron heel, is now
an ordeal indeed. Let me indicate
some of the stumbling-blocks.
To begin with there is the authorisa-
tion. Perhaps you went to Franc ;
i month or so ago properly attested
ay the various responsible War Office
people. On the strength of their
signatures you present yourself again,
passport in hand, at 19, Bedford Square,
naturally supposing that all is well.
What was, is, you say. ' Never was
there a more pathetic fallacy. What
was, isn't— that is the new verity, and
no one knows more of new verities than
the gentlemen at 19, Bedford Square.
Are you acquainted with these gentle-
rnen? If not, don't be. The',
granite, marble, crystal, petrified teak
— everything that is hard and insus-
ceptible. They deeply regret, but the
authorisation is not in order. Since it
was valid much has occurred ; new
regulations have come into play (" play "
is good) ; in short, you must get another.
Is there no possibility of squeezing
through without it ? None. The port-
cullis falls, the mountain closes ; in the
idiom of the day, the lid is on. •
Probably, being a person of foresight,
you had bought your ticket, taken
seats, engaged a cabin, written to the
hotel. Even-thing must now be can-
celled, and there is nothing to do but
wait the new authorisation. This you
do, according to your philosophy.
It may come in two days' time ; it
may be a week ; it may be a fortnight.
One never knovs in war-time. ami.
; anyway, who are you, with your slender
j Red Cross connection, compared with
men who hold trenches and kill Ger-
mans? Healing is secondary. This
is war.
While you are waiting everything
with you goes to piecw. You cinnot
make engagements, because at any
moment your authorisation may come ;
you cannot work, because you are so
unsettled. Besides, y<-u t..Id everyone
you were going, and to show up again
is banal. You are therefore reduced to
idleness and seclusion.
This goes on for ten days, and then
suddenly you are free to approach the
geological museum at 19, Bedford
Square once more, and your ma is
tiiven you, and all apparently is well
until you notice th:it the route marked
on the passport is r/<i Dieppe.
" But I have my ticket ri'<i Boulogne,"
you say brightly, expecting re-con
at ion.
•• 1 am very sorry," says Mr. Flint,
" but the Boulogne route is closed for
'people going to Paris. You must go
either by Dieppe or Hivre."
You survey him blankly, remember-
ing that the rough weather has set in
446
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[I)i:n.MBKii 1, 1915.
Fair Visitor (to soldier wounded in his riylit ann). "Bui HOW LUCKY FOB YOU THAT
YOU CAN WRITK WITH YOUR LEFT HAND."
Jock. "Ay, Miss, I'VE MA FAITHEB TAB THANK. WHEN I WAS A WEE LAD HE SAYS,
'Noo, JOCK, YOU JIST LEARN TAB CUT YER FINGER-NAILS wi' YEB LEFT HAND, AN' THEN
IT DISNA1 MATTER SAF. MUCH IF YE LOSE YER RIGHT ANE.' "
and you are the worst sailor in Europe.
He prepares his desk for the next
applicant.
Nothing more can be done, and you
hurry out to telegraph again for seats
and a cabin on the Dieppe route.
The next day you rise early for the
Folkestone train, the boat for Dieppe
now sailing from Folkestone — an added
hour of agony on the merciless sea —
and reach the port punctually enough,
only to learn that, owing to unexplained
causes, there is no service to-day. To
go back to London being absurd, you
take a room at a Folkestone hotel and
get through the day as best you can,
conscious with a certain dread sinking
that the wind is rising every minute
and a terrible gale is imminent. You
express your forebodings to fishermen
at the harbour, and they hold out no
hope. A stiftish storm is inevitable.
You buy sevenpenny novels, and hate
them. You play billiards with any
stranger humane enough to take you
on. You beat a young Naval officer
who is rather good, but the rude
buffetings at the window deprive you
of any joy in that feat. In the night
you wake to find your worst fears
realised — the hotel is shaking in the
tempest. You raise the blind in the
forlorn hope that the blast is confined
to the land and the sea is calm, and
are swiftly disenchanted. You return
to bed and cannot sleep for the beating
of your heart.
The next morning fortifies your
worst terrors. The waves are moun-
tains high, but the boat is going, and
you have not the pluck not to join it.
After all that has happened you simply
must go.
You hurry on board early to see if
your cabin is reserved all right and find
that your telegram arrived too late. . . .
Have 1 said enough to deter the
traveller to France? There is, how-
ever, more to follow.
The train from London is late, there
is a double number of passengers to-
day, owing to the defection of yester-
day, and the steamer doe-; not get away
until three hours after time, when the
sea is infinitely more lumpy. On the
crossing it pitches and tosses awyay
another good hour; so that (dropping
a veil over the grisly horrors of the
passage) you are not at Dieppe until
seven instead of four. Once there, and
your passport, for the second time thai
day, being vised, and your baggage, for
Ihe second time that day, being ad-
judged innocuous, you try to find a
telegraph office, but learn that there is
now nothing nearer than the head
bureau in the town ; and here your
only gleam of sunshine in a depressing
day cheers you.
Having asked the way and lost it,
you stop an English soldier — for Dieppe
is full of A.S.C. men — and inquire
where the Post-Office is. I give the
dialogue verbatim : —
Yourself. " Can you tell me where
the Post-Office is ? I want to send a
telegram."
Mr. Atkins (in broad North Coiuitn'r}.
" Ah don't know where it is. But will
you give me a drink ? "
Yourself. " I '11 give you a drink
willingly if you '11 give me a Post-Oflice
first."
Here T. A. begins to shout, "Hi!
Hi ! " to some distant friends.
They stop and shout back, " NY hat
is it ? "
T. A. "Hi ! Come back ! Ah 've found
a moog."
Yourself. "Mug! Oh no, my friend,
that 's torn it. You can go to Tophet ;
I '11 find the Post-Office myself."
You then ask a Frenchman, find the
way, and telegraph to your hotel that
your train will be four to five hours
late — a telegram which you subse-
quently discover no one will dream of
delivering until to-morrow is growing
old.
You then return to the station and
have what dinner you are able to
swallow, and walk up and down wait-
ing for the train to start, which it does
at nine-thirty, or forty-five minutes
after it was due to enter the Gare
St. Lazare.
At last it gets off and, maintaining a
snail's pace, creeps into Paris at exactly
2.20 A.M.
Now who will lightly adventure
upon a visit to the once Gay City?
Nor will you be missed if you don't go.
" The following arc transferred from Reserve
to Regular Bus. as temp, officers, with dates
of seniority as shown against their names : —
R. Berks R.— Sec. Lieuts A. J. G.
Goodall (March 20, 1815)."— Morning P^wr.
How the Mess must be looking forward
to this gallant veteran's stories of
\Yaterloo.
1015.]
ITNCII. cm TIIK LONDON < IIAKIN AIM.
117
TO A BAD CORRESPONDENT IN CAMP.
To Lieutenant .John Sump,
26th Kegiment,
The Canadian Camp,
Kast SancQinaborne, Kent
(Or anywhere else about Kngland that
llu- Regiment may liuvi> been sent).
DK.U: .loiiv Ml \our kith
And your kin (counting me)
An- dissatisfied with
'1'lie scant treatment that we
Have reeeived in the matter of letters
since your transport in June put
to sea.
One brief note as you sailed
Thanking me for the socks,
And the picture-card mailed
From the Liverpool docks,
With i\vo sheets to your mother from
Heading, haven't busted the old
letter-box.
Now, if nothing is back
Of your taciturn wa\
But congenital lack
Of the right thing to sa\ ,
1 1 ere 's a little set form for your loiters
which you're welcome to use day
by day: —
DEAR MOTH KB, [Aunt,
I take pen in hand
In more health than I was in
When not so much tanned
By our open-air marches and drillings
in this fine soldier-fashioning land.
For some twenty-four hours,
You '11 be happy to know,
We 've had plenty of showers
[Bli.tz«r<ln, mmxhiiif, or .S-HOJC—
The tiiinl item won't do for the iiii/lit-
time, but with Ion,/ English dayt it
nil i ij ijo] .
We 're just back to our huts
From ten hours in the trench,
[lioitte march, at the bnttit,
l)rillin<i, studying Frmch]
And my brain' [tongue, hand, f'Jf] « so
weary I could fall asleep here on
the bench.
This county of Kent
[The valley of Dec,
Tlie htnikx of thf Trent,
York, Salisbury,
You're a copiou* choice of eucaMpmm(\
is something I wish you could see.
At each moment one stops
With a gasp of surprise;
The most exquisite hops
Mniili'im. i-on-nlijin, jM'k-jnes]
I gather them often by armfuls— fur
nisli ever a feast for the eyes.
A STATIONARY STUNT.
P.O. Mving his r.Virs on Ilif change i» the higher wnmar.d at hull. I
WHAT MFFEBKSCF. IT MAKES TO THEM, S.B, WBO> IS COM-ASD. \\HY, A VA
CHlCKEK-FAnMEIl COl LD DO THF. JOB AS IT 8TASD6."
Down the green shady lanes
Of the neighlMHiring park
Float the tremulous strains
Of the cuckoo tlinixh, lark,
Xctct, r.icdldi; tench, cniriKjoriii, or
I,IIHI>I<'!/ , and my cares fly away
as I hark.
But this must be all,
For the bugles of camp
Blow \(iiu/ ol<i rnir
And I 'm hearing the tramp
Of the guard taking [any old duty] , so
remain, Yours, etc., J. Svvr.
With this bit of advice,
Which, unless I 'm deceived.
Ought to have in a trio-
Your pen-palsy reliev
I remain, your fond cousin. Piust n.i.\.
p S— We have really been peeved.
Exclusive.
It is interesting to note that MCMTI.
Uiit.Mn-. IIuiiMiii uu'l to. «!•"• «!>•• printer*
.,f Sir\V.ilUT S<-..tf> ii.m-U. wlulo in recent
!)..,.> have turned out Hall CMDC *
«,.rk> .'-The Abrnbrn frrr I'm*.
BUS I'.I.M'K SK\ MOV!
Itailij 1'aper.
Tliorc is now no longer any excuse for
confuting it with the IVad Sea.
From a feuilleton : —
" Rupert, though he nid noUimg. doubted
hi* own ability to b«ttfc> through thaw raging
He h:id III-MT swum in water.
trust this noes not mean tha
Rupert, like some other people affected
rush of v\;ig.^, is going to swim
in beer.
448
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[DECEMBER 1, 1915.
THE WATCH DOGS.
XXX.
MY DEAR CHARLES, — The other day
I was away at the far end of the
area. I had phut-phutted a couple of
dozen kilometres or so over care-worn
roads and hackneyed side tracks, all
amongst the motor-cars, motor-lorries,
motor-ambulances, other motor bicycles
as thrusting as my own, not to mention
the silly egotistical hens which abound
in these parts and have long ago lost
what little sense they had in peace
times. I arrived at my men's billet at
12.52 P.M. to the moment, and a most
convenient moment, too, as you '11 agree.
Nobody appreciates more than I do the
contrast between my present facilities
and the housekeeping difficulties of the
men in front, where the trouble is ; and
nobody sets out on his morning rounds
with intentions more virtuous than
mine. But virtue doesn't flourish on
a motor- bicycle, and when I arrive I
find I have mislaid that conscience
which should make me refrain from
snaffling a slice of Uriah's ewelamb.
Uriah, bless his soul, was out on
this occasion, so there was nothing for
it but to leave a message and return
unfed. The Highland orderly was
very nice and cheerful about it all, but
didn't touch on the food question. It
is my business to know something
about languages and I think I should
have caught any reference to lunch
even in his. So first I cursed my luck,
and then I gave the old bicycle a kick
and off we skidded back, over the same
old hens, for home, where I was met
with a request from Sergeant-Major for
an interview at once. He gave me a
chit, referring briefly and coldly to my
leave. I told him that all previous
opinions were cancelled and he was
undoubtedly the finest Sergeant-Major
who had ever managed to survive the
dreadful business of being a Lance-
Corporal.
My leave was scheduled to begin on
the following day ; the following day
was scheduled to begin at twelve mid-
night, and I happened to know there
was a boat scheduled to leave an hour or
two before midnight, and I had no doubt
of my ability to dafeat the other sched-
ules if I could only get to the port of em-
barcation in time to do it. And to think
that if Uriah had been at home and I
had sat down with him to his old ewe-
lamb (tinned at that) my chance would
have been lost long before I 'd got
back to where Sergeant-Major and the
leave-chits grow !
With never so much as a gas helmet
(No. 2095u pattsrn) by way of kit, or a
Park Drive Best "Virginia Gold Flake
Cigarette by way of ration, I upped
and ofl'ed, dropping a piece of mudguard
at , other ballast at • and at
— , and finally parting with my
silencer at . As to the last, I had
for some time been aware of a suspici-
ous noise, as it might be something
about to happen, but I wasn't being
too inquisitive and officious about it.
Once stop to inquire into the ailments
of these machines and they '11 pretend
they 're dead. In due course a lump
of metal fell off with a clank, but came
bounding along in the dark after us to
join on again. But we left it to itself
and proceeded so noisily that the little
villages, twinkling in the valleys be-
neath us, doused their lights at our ap-
proach, mistaking us for hostile aircraft.
When I had got my transport into a
rest path and myself on the quay there
were still a few minutes before the
sailing of the boat. I am always glad
to meet a new face, but this was not
the moment I should have chosen to
run up against what seemed to bo a
couple or so of armies arriving. When
I was safe past them at last I ran into
a new thing in Majors, straggling be-
hind. " Say, officer," he said cheerily,
" have you seen the boys anywhere ? "
"Everywhere," said I. "Be an old
dear," he begged me, " and put me on
to my shemozzle. They 're the Egmon-
ton Crush." Had I had the time I
would have inquired into this ; as it
was I told him briefly I 'd just seen
that identical regiment moving out of
the harbour gates, and I set him doub-
ling away in that direction. I often
suspect, on reflection, that I Ve caused
the old fellow to get mixed up in the
wrong battle. For the moment my
brain was fully occupied in writing a
faithful description of myself in block
letters on white cardboard, stating that
I was not proceeding on duty and was
anything but sick.
Reaching England at last I fought
for seats in the Pullman car. Being
small I was among the winners. It
was a difficult hour of the night for the
food-people to compete with, but, not
to be put off their hospitality by a little
thing like that, they served breakfast
on us before wo knew what was hap-
pening. The company that can do a
large deal in eggs and bacon and mar-
malade at 11.45 P.M. deserves to make
its fortune, even if it be in five-franc
notes, slightly soiled. Finally we found
ourselves flung into the light and life
and laughter which are prevalent at
Victoria, S.W., at 2 A.M. on a Sunday
morning in war-time.
No doubt we are sent back to England
from time to time like this in order to
check our optimism. Out here we are
apt not to notice how rapidly and
completely we are losing. Anyway, it 's
a gay welcome we get from London,
Charles. For myself it was the second
time, and I knew what to expect. My
young companion of the hour was in-
clined to think that no one loved him
and he 'd much better go back to the
trenches and eat worms. The police-
men, upon being hailed, didn't respond ;
they were very dignified, even sus-
picious. Four hotels refused to let him
so much as lie down on the tessellated
floors of their marble halls, and the
fifth only took him in because we
threatened them with legal proceedings
if they didn't. It was our threat alone
which recalled to the mind of Gold
Evening Dress that he had a room
vacant. The price of one night in that
room was equivalent to the subaltern's
wages for three days in the mud ; we
proposed that it should be halved,
necause there was only half the night
left, but it remained double because
there were two beds in the room.
When my friend agreed to that, or
anything else, he was asked whether
he had any luggage ; and when we
explained that he 'd started out with
his suit-case and top-hat box in one
hand and his cabin trunk and golf
clubs in the other, but had given the
lot to a poor man who sat begging at
the corner of a communication trench,
the official, puffed up as he was with
pride and regular meals, insisted upon
being paid in advance.
This is a true story, Charles, and if
you want to go round and discuss it
with the man, I '11 give you his address
and half-a-dozen hand-grenades to
explain yourself with.
But at home how different ! I believe,
when we come back again in the dead
of winter, they'll still produce that
last dish of green peas fresh from the
garden, "kept back special for you,
Master Henry . . ." Ah ! there 's
little to be said, but lots to be thought.
And then it was all so short, so soon
over; but what there was (as Mr.
GEORGE EOBEY says) was good. When
I found myself back at Victoria
I considered the gathering of officers,
all great but some greater than the
others, and I wondered to myself,
how many of you, for all your greatness
and dignity, your importance on parade,
your habit of commanding and being
obeyed, saluted, deferred to and be-
lieved in, for all your top-boots, dare-
devil caps, red flannel tabs and eye-
glasses— how many of you, just about a
week ago, were being sent (sent, mark
you) round to the potting-shed to say
a word, any word would do, to the old,
old man who works there, and knew
you in long clothes, and would be heart-
broken not to be called upon.
Yours ever, HENRY.
""1:MI'K" L< 191-''Q rUNCil, OR Till- LONDON rilAKIYAIM.
7V n! n-i'.d Driver ('jettiiuj dangerously near tlm sea). '• 'ALT, CARS'! YEB? I '* OSLV FOB HOME SEBVICE, ir tor AIS'T ! '
THE STRAFING OF STRAUSS.
(By an All-British Composer}.
HEBR RICHARD STKAUSS'S latest piece
of fright fulness, " An Alpine Symphony "
(referred to in Mr. Punch's Almanack),
may bo regarded as a direct challenge
to British composers in general, and
myself in particular. Accordingly, by
way of reprisal, I am producing a work
which is to lie absolutely the last word.
As I anticipate that a description of
it would be too much even for the
analytical genius of Mrs. EOSA NEW-
MARCH, I furnish one myself, and am
giving the readers of Punch the benefit
of it in advance. It is a Typographic
Tone-Poem in four paragraphs, to he
known as The Printing Symphony.
The orchestra will be considerably
augmented, the reinforcements com-
prising six Typewriters, a Telephone,
two Linotypes, an Elj Autoplate, four
Large Picas, a Long Primer, three
Double Octavos and two Double Sext-
uple Rotaries (by kind permission of
Associated Newspapers, Ltd.).
An impressive introduction by the
Double Octavos is followed by an
aUeijretto con grazia via non troppo in
l~)-i(> time, scored as a double trio
for the Typewriters, with Telephone
obllniato. " As might be expected in
so advanced a work, no shift key signa-
ture is given. The movement comes
to an abrupt stop, the second para-
graph beginning with an announcement
(recitaiiw) by the Long Primer Unit
the MS. has been accepted mid will In-
proceeded with.
• This statement is made the subject
of a lively fugue (alia brerier), begun
by the strings and wood wind ; at the
sixth bar the Linotypes enter with n
counter motive suggestive of the l>i«-
rulo d'lmjiriiiiatore, to which reference
is made at intervals throughout the
work.
The third movement begins with a
quartet for the Picas, amlantf euntit-
bile, displaying to the full the mellow
beauty of this noble family of instru-
ments, accompanied fNOMMMM by the
rest of the orchestra, which at the
two hundred and forty-third bar have
just made a brief quotation from the
Typewriter theme, when the Autoplate
enters with a •triumphant roar, and
after chasing the Picas away in a
succession of minor sevenths ami
thereby establishing a penOBfll ucend-
ency, dominates the proceedings for
the remainder of the movement, which
ends in a series of massive chords, an-
nouncing (con forzn) that lie 's there
because he's there, an excerpt being
made at t>.is point from the popular
marching song.
The fourth paragraph opens With a
short risum* of the preoeiling sul.
the music then becomes wilder (alleyro
, neither time
nor key signatures l>eing given, until it
reaches a climax with tin- entry of the
Rotaries, and finally comes to an over-
whelming conclusion on the seventh
n version of the chord of the Submerged
Tenth, the discord, in accordance with
the best principles of modern Caco-
phony, being " left to evaporate."
The work is to l>e performed shortly
at the Caxton Hall.
Hard Time* in the We»t Indie*.
"Among tli.' lot of K:«t.iM<-- -upplied ex
recent arrival! are the following :—
Lucas Best Fin; Ilricka. LUCM Bert Tapered
Bricks. Best Hri»k>l Hand Picked Temper
Lime. Steam Pipes | to 4" din. with fitting*.
Pig Lead. Him- <lrit Grindstone*. Sheet
Copper."— Diiily lilranrr (Jamaica).
"This big tract of lnnd, if placed at the dis-
posal of men ready and wiling to culli\.ite it
until the owners 'actually require it for Imild-
ing or otherwise, would i-nalilr nearly 900.000
men to cultivate all the vegetable* needed by
an average family of, say, five person*."
Homing /M/rr.
Are vegetarians so voracious '.'
"The simple folk of Devon and Cornwall, it
I. niaint.mi that the shade* of Drake
and Ncl~>n have returned to earth to inspire
their successore to emulate their tni.mph «, and
it is on record that from Slay, 1808, to August,
1905, Nelson was out of his slnp Imt three
Jay Mail.
A pity he couldn't stay there another
ten years or so, though, uf coin-go, tlie
Fleet still ha> the - Nelson touch."
450
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[DECEMBER 1, 1915.
Maid. "PLEASE, M'M, you DIDN'T LEAVE ENOUGH FOR THE SWEEP.'
Mistress. " WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I GAVE YOU A SHILLING."
Maid. "YES, M'M; BUT THE SWEEP SAYS CHIMNEYS IS'GONE UP."
TWITTING THE TURK.
n.
WITH faces flushed and eyes like wine
The men sat mute along the line,
And some polemical design
Was palpably in view ;
A flare soared sudden through the murk ;
They turned unflinching toward the
Turk
And shouted all they knew.
No ordered cheer, but each man cried
The sound on which he most relied,
Or just invoked the Soccer side
Of which he once was proud ;
A milkman happily "Milk-o'd,"
Myself I simply said, " Well rowed ! "
But said it very loud.
A wilder din you will not meet ;
It hit the hills, it shocked the Fleet,
And many a brave heart dropped a beat
To hear the hideous choir,'
While the pale Turk, with lips tight set,
Peered out across the parapet
And opened rapid fire.
For it was clear the Christian cur
Intended something sinister,
And Pashas hastened to confer
On that hypothesis ;
Stout souls, they felt prepared to cope
With stratagems within their scope,
But, Allah, what was this ?
Far down the lines the Faithful heard
And had no notion what occurred,
But plied their triggers, undeterred
By trifles such as that ;
From sea to sea the tumult spread,
Nor could a single man have said
What he was shooting at.
Then spoke the guns, and gave it hot
To the offensive choric spot
Where we, who shrank.from being shot,
Had long since ceased to be ;
And even Asiatic Anne
Disgorged a bolt of monstrous plan,
Which fell into the sea.
I would that night Byzantium
Had been at hand to hear the hum
And count the cost, a fearful sum,
Of so much S.A.A.,
For no one but the Moslem knows
The way the ammunition goes
When he is on his day.
And what of those whose mad caprice
Had frightened half the Chersonese?
Did they, repentant, know no peace,
And, when at dawn there crept
A sheepish hush o'er crag and glen,
Pray that they might be better men?
Instead of that they slept.
And a despatch, in pleasing wise,
Spoke of " a daring enterpr se
Against some enemy supplies,"
Adding this tragic note : —
" The casualties of the force
Were sixty men extremely hoarse
And one severe sore throat."
"Guillotine Cutter, for bindery department :
also .Man, for despatch ; ineligible for Army."
Liverpool Eclio.
We hope the Germans will not learn
how we dispose of the surplus popula-
tion.
" Of the many stories related of the Prince's
doings in France, the most interesting was
contained in a letter from a soldier who told
how his Royal Highness left his motorcar
during the battle at Loos in order to examine
the situation, and, on returning to the spot
where the car had remained, found that it had
bean destroyed by a chance shell. Unfortu-
nately there is no confirmation of this story."
Evening Paper,
We note the word ." unfortunately." It
confirms our view .that sub-editors, as
a class, always put their own interests
before anybody else's.
"STRAXDVILLE II. V. Si. JAMES1 GATE II.
Played this evening at Croydon Park before
a small crowd of spectators. . . . the Greek
Government took note of the Strandville II."
Dublin Evening Mail.
A welcome intimation that Greece is
going to play the game.
PRIVILEGE.
PEER, to H.P. (pointing to War Correspondent). "POOR DEVIL! IF HE'D BEEN ONE OF US
HE COULD HAVE SAID ANYTHING HE LIKED."
DECEMISKII 1, 1915.]
, OK Tin.: LONDON m \mv.\m.
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
(KXTHACTKII FROM TIIK DlAllV OK ToilV, M.I'.)
House of Commons, Monday, \
ber 22nd. — Emulating patriotic example
of the Lords, Commons began the week
with sitting to-day. PREMIER and three
Cabinet colleagues, safely back after
perilous Channel crossing, warmly wel-
comed. VON TIBPITZ left gnashing his
teeth in disappointment at lost oppor-
tunity. To have wiped out PRIME MINIS-
TER, FOREIGN SECRETARY, FIRST LORD
OK ADMIRALTY and MINISTER OF MUNI-
TIONS by one blow dealt from heavens
above the earth or from waters beneath
it, would have been stroke of Kultur
more pleasing in Berlin even than
sinking of Lusitania.
Appointed business being
further consideration in Com-
mittee of Budget Bill, attend-
ance scanty; proceedings
prosaic. CHANCELLOR OF
EXCHEQUER informed Com-
mittee that sale of scrip
vouchers of War Loan in
small denominations
amounted to five millions
sterling. Submitted fresli
proposals for making invest-
ment more attractive to
wage-earner.
At Question time TENNANT
made interesting statement
with respect to comparative
salubrity of life under canvas
and under system of billet-
ing. Doctors in charge of
recruits report that when
men quit tents and go into
billets serious amount of sick-
ness forthwith develops.
" Under canvas it is much
more healthy."
Business done. — Mills of Budget Bill
grind slowly in Committee. Another
long sitting devoted to process.
Tmsday. — House still economy-hunt-
ing. Thought it had "found" when
the other day vacancy created on
Equity Bench by retirement of Mr.
Justice JOYCE. Evidence forthcoming
from various authoritative quarters
that state of business in Chancery
Court could be easily carried on with
remaining judicial forces. Question
immediately put on paper inviting
PRIME MINISTER to refrain from filling
up vacancy and so save £5,000 a year,
This stirred high authorities to un-
the Grenadier Guards and now serving
in the trenches, described as a we!;
post of inactivity. Office <if Chancellor
of Duchy of Lancaster with seat in
Caliinet iveognisod as place of honour-
able retirement from active work suit-
able for veteran statesmen hk» .Ions
BRIGHT or WINSTON. Most appro-
priately PEXSI-:I-\I iu:u i Heraldic motto
of this ancient family : " Take care
of your pennies and your father will
look out for
suggest that
himself")
should it
iut up to
deemed
necessary to appoint a new Chancellor
the Government might set an example
in economy by reducing the salary ol
their new colleague.
This the sort of thing calculated to
appeal to body of gentlemen whose
PROPOSED CHRISTMAS PBESEST TO OUE HABD-WOBKED
FOB USE AT QUESTION-TIME.
valent at public banquets. HATIU RUT.
spokesman of people of small means
officially enjoined to practise economy,
suggested that during the War all such
Functions as the l/mi> M \ volt's Banquet
in London anil in and ('•
Banquets in l'.n-t.,l tiliall be discon-
tinued. PREMIER full of symj
Hut, really, this was a matter in which
individuals and public bodies must
exercise their own discretion.
This varied programme of economies
for use of other people looked ho] >.•(<, I
as teeming to lead up to a development
in respect of which the public are
keenly expectant. Economy like charity
should begin at home. When House
of Commons voluntarily relinquishes,
during continuance of the War, salaries
which only the other day, in
time of profound peace and
unbounded prosperity, were
conferred in breach of hon-
ourable and time-honoured
distinction among Legisla-
tive Assemblies, its cry for
economy will become more
effectual.
Business done. — Budget
Bill at last through Report
stage. Remains only to be
read a third time.
I Vfdnesday.— Pretty full
gathering when SPEVKKU
took the Chair. Many
attracted by anticipation
that, in accordance with
notice, HOME SECRETARY
would introduce Bill sus-
pending Parliament Act, and
so avoid dissolution in
January. Answering urbane
LEADER OP OPPOSITION. PRE-
[Subscriptions already received from i HOOOE • £"»«•«, KISLOCH- £ ^ ^ introduction
COOKE (twice), BEES, DALZIEL and WILL THOB
salaries, fixed on scale arranged in
peace time, are assured. PREMIER
rode off on his consecrated reply that
the matter
attention."
is receiving my
closest
had already been appointed.
However, there was another oppor-
tunity of saving the lesser sum of two
thousand a year by indefinitely defer-
.
Thus repulsed on two favourable lines
of attack the economists turned off on
other track. It appears that the Head-
quarter Staff located at Hull endeavour
to make themselves comfortable in
offices leased at Station Hotel at
an annual rent of £410 per annum.
This trifle been paid since the War
began. FORSTER pleaded that sum
included firing, lighting and caretaking.
Still, when you come to think of
—which the War Office are beginning
of
post.
Whereupon Members
till next week,
went out into
the War— it seems a bit
Other premises," he added, " are now
"
under consideration.
"
More blessed than word Mesopotamia
under consideration."
the Lobby and tea-room to guess what
this postponement might portend.
Business done. — With assistance of
considerably less than a quorum several
small Bills advanced a stage. Adjourned
at twenty-five minutes past six.
Thursday. — On motion for adjourn-
ment till Tuesday, HKNRY DAI.ZIKI.,
never weary of well-doing, pleaded for
an extra day's work. " Why not m< et
on Monday?" ho asked. Reckoned
that business on hand could not bo
disposed of otherwise than by sitting
up to Christmas Eve. Why waste a
day a week when Providence had placed
it at their disposal ?
Impetuous MAKKHAM went one
better. Suggested that House should
sit continuously and merely adjourn
for one day at Christmas, returning on
Boxing Day with renewed strength t-
deal with forthcoming Derby Report
on question of Recruiting.
454
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[DECEMBER 1, 1915.
Tommy (finding a (I erman prisoner icho speaks English) . "LOOK WOT you DOXE TO ME, YOU BMGHTEKS !
A CIOAHKTTE?"
PKEMIEE, liappily undisturbed by
grievous prognostications of overbur-
dened Legislature scamping its work (as
mentioned, having finished appointed
task, it adjourned yesterday at twenty-
five minutes past six), cheerily assured
perturbed House that before proroga-
tion ample opportunity will be given
for discussion of every question of
public interest.
Business done. — WALTER LONG intro-
duces Bill to restrict during War the
rents of small house - property and
interest payable on mortgages of such
property. With at least four more
hours in hand for working out salva-
tion of the country, House adjourned
at twenty-five minutes to eight, in
good time for dinner.
Intelligent Retrospection.
"JEWS' COLLEGE . — The next examination
of persons intending to become teachers of
Hebrew and Religion will be held at the
College on the 23rd and 30th of January last."
The Jemsli World,
"At noon yesterday a meeting of the full
Cabinet will be held at 10, Downing Street."
liristol Times anil Mirror.
" As a result of the Vincent-Fitzgerald fight,
Fitzgerald sustained a broken right jaw and a
fractured left jaw."
The Cainm 1'imt (Queensland).
We hope the injured pugilist appreci-
ated this delicate distinction.
TO BILL, AGED SIX.
ALTHOUGH I 'm just ten times his ago
And long have cut, upon life's stage,
A figure quite austere and sage —
When will is pitted against will
I am the abject slave of Bill.
His parents are my lifelong friends
And often ask me for week-ends,
But, though his father is my host,
It 's Bill that really rules the roast ,
And, when I do as he disposes,
Life is not all a bed of roses.
: If it is wet a tale of bricks
i Is given me to pile and fix,
; And when the structure stands on high,
| With not a single brick awry,
The fabric, as my labour's crown,
Bill has the right of knocking down,
While I must gather up the blocks
And pack them neatly in their box.
Released from Architecture's claims
We turn to our Olympic games,
With Bill as driver, me as horse,
Pursuing our erratic course
; Between the tables and the chairs,
Or even up and down the stairs,
Until the midday meal draws near,
And nurse removes my charioteer.
But, if the weather 's bright and fair,
Bill hales me forth to take the air;
He makes me run exhausting races
And visit all his fav'rite places —
Tool-ho'uses, chalk-pits, hollow trees,
And caves explored on hands and knees ;
But always when the gong's vibrations
Recall us from our divagations,
Bill makes me promise not to talk
To anyone about our walk :
'• Remember it 's a secret " — so
Homeward the two explorers go.
Bill is a tyrant, I admit,
Yet may the old and the unfit
Win in his company relief
From sharp anxiety or grief :
For Bill no dismal paper reads
That mutinous misgiving breeds;
He never talks about the War,
But lie is rich in fairy lore ;
His laugh is my best anodyne,
His ignorance is half divine,
For Heaven still close about him lies
And has not faded from his eves.
A New .ffineid.
"The story of the midnight virgil of three
detectives in the Minchin Motor "Works at
Kingston was told to-day before the local
magistrates." — Ki-fiiing Paper.
"The British submarines' effective control
of enemy traffic in the Baltic is reported from
(iermany to be most annoying for German
commerce, especially as the German Admiralty
iirmly believed they had made the Baltic a
marc clausa." — Evening Paper.
This false concord bodes ill for a genu-
ine peace.
])I;CKMHKI(
PUNCH, OR THI-: LONDON riiAi:iv.\m.
SUMPTUARY LAWS.
DEAH Mil. TfNCK, On Hie principle
tli at- (lie be-4 brains in tlie couiilr\
should ho at tlii! disposal of llir(;(,\
eminent at the present crisis, 1 feel ii
my duty to make a few suggestions on]
the economic situation. You may tnkr
it from me that we can afford to win
if 1 may bo allowed to show us how.
But it may be a tight squeak, and there
is only one way to do it. That is by
killing t\vo birds with one stone ; other-
wise we shall soon l)e short of stones.
While, Sir, we pursue as a nation a
single aim, it is just as well in all
details of the enterprise to have a
double object in view. I am very glad
to see that one member of the House
of Commons has employed himself in
devising projects which, while they
have essentially a fiscal intention, are
also meant to nip luxury in the bud
and put the brake on extravagance.
He wants to levy a tax of five shil-
lings in the pound on all hand-reared
pheasants, and soon we may look for
the institution of a new and pictur-
esque Pheasant Licence. Any unli-
censed bird that gets into the bag
might well be claimed by the local Red
Cross Hospital, thus giving the tax
a third desirable tendency,. A rebate
would no doubt be allowed on all such
as died a natural death, and if there
was any difference of opinion on that
point the bird could be submitted to a
j>ofit - mortem, for which a small fee
would be charged. (Licensed birds
would have to wear a badge or leglet.)
Then again, in view of the shortage
of milk, it is proposed that Cat
Licences be issued at a guinea a time,
except in cases where a cat is kept
solely for the destruction of mice.
This is another excellent idea. But
there is bound to be a considerable
loop-hole of escape unless the cat is
called upon to make good. Many so-
called mousers are mere pets. A
demonstration could be arranged with
Government mice. Or, simpler still, a
Mouse Licence might be imposed upon
all Freehold Cat Keepers which would
have the effect (besides bringing in
revenue) of keeping the cat up to its
work in clearing the house of them.
Much can be done along these lines.
This is no more than a promising
beginning. If cats are to \)3 licensed
the cases of the mongoose and the
guinea-pig must come up for recon-
sideration.
Further, Sir, anything that tends to
give a man a distaste for his own fire-
side by robbing him of the solace and
companionship of his domestic pets
cannot but operate in the direction of
improved recruiting returns.
First Burglar. " DISGBICEFOL, I CALL rrl
OUGHT TEB BE IN-THE ABMT."
OBEAT 'KFTX TOCSO FIXI-EB IJKE 'in
Working on these lines I should be
inclined to levy a duty on : —
(1) CANARIES, which are notorious
consumers of seeds that might other-
wise be used for the upbringing of
edible and egg-laying fowls. All
canaries should be taxed, with the
exception of those that have been
specially trained as fly - catchers.
(These would l)e known as Controlled
Canaries.)
(2) TAME RABHITS AND HAKK.S (Bel-
gian Hares would of course l:e excused
out of deference to our Allies). An ex-
ception to be made in favour of such
as are designed for the table. (Known
as Exempted Rabbits or Hares.)
(3) GOLDFISH. — In this case per-
haps the Licence duty should only
apply to such as go beyond the number
of two in any one household. We
must have something to brighten our
homes, after all. (Or at least these two
might l>e placed in a later group.)
(4) SILKWORMS. - Kxi-ept such as
are engaged in spinning khaki silk,
suitable for so:im*». (Thc*o would be
starred.)
There can bo little doubt that such
wise and considerate taxation would
have the effect of raising money, con-
serving the food supply, assisting
voluntary enlistment and bridging the
gap between exports and imports.
1 am yet again You
STATISTK IAN.
Tactless.
" Plain Tvnisl Wanted (female)."
Meriting Paper.
456
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[DECEMBER 1, 1915.
AT THE FRONT.
THERE 's really nothing I hate talk-
ing about more, but, talking about
trenches, have you in England heard
yet of the awful case of S 245'?
Well, we took over S 245 with two
platoons and instructions to " make it
good." Having inspected it we wrote
out a curt little chit to the effect that
we weren't a reformatory, and then tore
it up. By using all the material sent
to us, by stealing all the
material sent to adjacent
companies, battalions and
brigades, by devastating
farmhouses and stripping
bare all the E.E. material
dumps within two miles of
the line, we made that
sodden chaos of shell craters
into a recognisable trench.
Finally, when it had stood
two nights' rain without
disappearing, the O.C. com-
pany was just indenting
for a D.S.O. with two
clasps, when an order
arrived saying, with the
brief ambiguity natural to
all military orders, that the
two platoons holding S 245
would proceed to take over
8246.
Having satisfied himself
that this involved the de-
sertion of S 245 he laughed
sardonically, ground his
teeth, ordered the bearer of
the message to be shot at
midnight (if the Q.M. had
sent up enough candles),
and went to look at S 246.
S 246 was just what S 245
had been, only, of course,
one worse.
We got to work on it;
but then a new factor su-
pervened. All available
material had already been
put into S 245, so we wired
for more stuff for revet-
ments. To this we got the answer, " Use
material from S 245, which is now to
be scrapped." Having used this we
wired for material for dug-outs. There
was none available through the ordin-
ary channels, but we were referred to
S 245. We did what we could.
Then arose the urgent question of
heating. This time we did not wait to
wire. We dug into the shattered and
dishevelled ruins of S 245 and brought
up every fragment of woodwork that
had been therein, sunk since the War
began, and used it in the braziers of
S 246 to the last fibre.
Having taken this rash step we had
no right to be shocked at the order that
arrived next morning, " S 245 to be re-
constructed and occupied as soon as
possible."
You people who compete for having
been most directly under the Zeppelins
are not the only ones. I was sitting,
the other afternoon, in a somnolent
condition watching the humid disin-
tegration of the mess dug-out when
there was a rushing through the air
from above, and a noise like someone
lifting the plug of an enormous bath,
Mr. Johnkins (who has overslept himself). " HA, THE ZEPPELINS AT
LAST ! WELL, I 'M GLAD I INSISTED ON EVERYONE SLEEPING IN THE
BASEMENT."
followed by another like Vesuvius ex-
ploding bodily. I went outside when
the lava had stopped coming down and
found that a trench mortar had dropped
a young mine about the size of a hotel
three yards off the dug-out. At least I
will swear it wasn't as much as thirty.
I spent the rest of the afternoon with
the signallers, cajoling a battery into
some warlike act, while twenty-three
further devils descended within a few
yards of the first.
After " Stand to," came along the
O.C. right company.
" Do you know," he said, " that con-
founded trench mortar was plugging
'em in just behind our mess all the after-
noon ? " I admitted I had heard «<M«e
explosions. Next I met O.C. left com-
pany (mine was centre). " It 's extra-
ordinary," he said, " that our guns
can't get straight on to a thing like
that. The beggar was dropping them
practically into my dug-out from half-
past two to half-past four." I was
duly scandalized and sympathe ic.
Later on I learned that the mortar had
nearly (but not quite) massacred two
passing generals and practically (but
" not quite) wrecked head-
quarters ; and eventually
mine was the only sector
for some miles round which
did not report heavy bomb-
aidment. I had originally
thought out a rather effec-
tive little brochure' about it
all, but, with everyone else
suffering so, it seemed up
to us to keep our own woes
dark. But it was a rare
lesson in the human instinct
of borrowing trouble he-
cause mourning suits you.
Atkins is really best when
an ordinary mortal might
be contemplating suicide or
desertion. From a mile
behind our line runs a
communication trench
named Muddy Lane. In
parts it is excellent. In
parts you go in, during
rainy weather, up to your
middle. One night, after it
had been pouring for some
weeks, a fatigue staggered
up this appalling swamp,
carrying out-size hurdles
weighing about eight hun-
dred-weight apiece, brought
from a good two miles back.
As they arrived in the fire
trench, grunting and sweat-
ing and looking — if one
could have seen them — like
a wet landslide, the last but
one turned to the last man
and observed reflectively, " I
wonder now, Bill, wot made them call
this 'ere Muddy Lane?"
From a list of papers read at the
Royal Society : —
"The Bird's Heart. Communicated by
Prof. E. H. Starling, F.R.S."
He should know all about it.
" The State of Kansas had for 30 years hiid
the benefit of prohibition, and there the death-
rate (7Jd. per 1000) was the lowest of any
place on the face of the civilised globe."
Bromh'y Chronicle.
This accounts, of course, for the small
change in the population.
DECEMBER 1, 1915.] ITXdl, Oil Till'. I.n.\!><)\ Ul.MM VAIM.
FASHIONABLE MOTHER is STRICKES WITH REHOUSE BY THE cnv OF HER CIULDBEX: "On, MCMXY, WHY CAS'T r« HATE I
NEW CLOTHES?"
AND SHARES HEB NEW DRESS WITH TH*
458
rrxcir, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[DECEMBER 1, 1915.
A LETTER FROM GRETCHEN.
Berlin,
DEAREST ELSA, — Wo are very gay
and brilliant here — opera, theatres,
dinners and dances, and flags fluttering
and bells ringing constantly for some
now triumph. The last occasion was
two days ago, whon we were told the
glorious news that our bravo troops
are at Calais and have fired groat guns
across the Channel and reduced Dover
to a little heap of rubbish, as it well
deserves.
Our dear KAISER often pays a brief
visit to the Schloss. He is so busy,
my Elsa, so busy preparing for the
wonderful times that are coming when
our triumph is complete. Our Princes
are all going to be Kings, and our great
KAISER lias not only arranged about
their kingdoms hut has found time
even to design their crowns, and also
a new, splendid, very large crown for
himself when he shall take his new
title, Emperor of Everywhere. That
wretched Britain is to be broken up
into three kingdoms again ; and besides
these there will be many kingdoms to
be given away. When all our Princes
are provided for, our adored VON HINDEN-
BUBG and our brave VON MACKENSEN
will each be King of somewhere ; our
VON TIRPITZ was also to have been a
King, but there has been a little altera-
tion of plans lately, and he will perhaps
be only a Viceroy.
Ach, liehe Freundin! How my heart
swells with pride and joy to think I
am a German girl ! I give a little
" Hoch ! Hoch i " all to myself some-
times. I had the honour and happiness
to meet one of our Princes at a recep-
tion the other night. You will guess
which of them it was when I tell you
that at first he graciously refused to
dance, and sat on a couch, making
comments on the dancers and laughing
— laughing so loud in his own charm-
ing way ; and then he jumped up,
snatched me from my partner (me 1
your Gretchen), and said I was the
only pretty girl in the room and
danced with me himself. He said many
gallant things to me, and I ventured
to ask him by what title we shall
know him when the War is over. He
laughed very loud and said, " If I 'm a
good boy Father will give me Russia,
but if I 'm a bad boy he '11 only give
me Scotland or Ireland " ; and he
laughed louder than ever and whirled
me so fast that, proud and happy as I
felt, meine Theme, I was not quite
sorry when the dance was over.
The Dowager Freifrau von Bundel-
bosch has been in great trouble. Her
youngest son, the Hauptmann Karl, of
the Prussian Guards, is a prisoner in I
barbarous England, and she heard that
he was made to go on all fours and
draw a great wagon full of stones all
day, and was beaten with sticks ! The
Freifrau was like a mad woman, her
big fists clenched and her eyes glaring
(even we, her relations, dared not go
near her), and she drove to the Schloss
and threw herself on her knees and tore
her transformation and her mantolchcn,
and cried, " Majesty, is it to be borne
that a von Bundelbosch is to be turned
into a dray-horse and beaten \\ith
sticks ? " Our noble KAISER promised
to ses to it, but that very day a letter
came from the Hauptmann Karl. He
wrote from a place called Bonnington
Hall, and told his Miitterchen that he
is well, has enough to eat, a good bed,
a servant to wait on him, a piano to
play (so that he can accompany himself
when he sings the "Hymn of Hate"),
billiards and tennis, and a large park
to walk in. But he complains bitterly
that he has nothing to do, that he is
getting fat, that he is bored, and that
they give him beef and mutton in spite
of his demands for pork ! Cruel bar-
barous islanders ! It makes one's blood
boil to think that they look on while
an officer of the Prussian Guard loses
his beautiful waist and suffers bore-
dom and that they give him beef and
mutton when he loves pork better !
But the Hauptmann Karl will be
avenged soon.
My Sigismund came to Berlin on
leave two days ago. He looks well
and handsome, and has won an Iron
Cross (I am particularly glad of this,
as otherwise he would have been the
only man in Berlin without one). He
tells me we can crush our enemies and
end the War any day we please. I said,
" Then why not do it at once, my
Sigismund?" But he says there are
good reasons of a private nature for
not doing it quite at once.
He hurt me a little by looking me
over and saying, " Girl of my heart,
you have become a dowdy. Gott in
Himmel! What a costume, and what
a hat ! " I said, " You do not speak
like a kind betrothed or like a good
German, my Miindchen, and you even
come near to speaking lese-majeste. All
foreign modes are now verboten. These
are our German autumn fashions, de-
signed, even to the hats and boots, by
our noble KAISER himself! "
My Grossmiitterchen, the Grafinvon
Dumpfendorf - Mumpenberg, gave a
little tanzfest for Sigismund and me.
I was very, very anxious to look charm-
ing, so I took my life in my hand and
wore a smuggled Deucet creation in-
stead of a Schmidt-Miiller gown. If
only I could- have had the wicked
Niniche (who was sent back to her
own shameful country) to do my hair!
My Bavarian maid, Bertha, was even
clumsier than usual, and when I looked
at myself at the mirror, ach Himmel !
I lost my temper. " Pig of a Bavarian !
What have you done with all my
beautiful hair?" I exclaimed, and I
slapped her stupid face and made her
weep. Chide me, my Elsa, for I
deserve it. I, a von Dumpfendorf-
Mumpenberg, to forget myself thus !
It was a so-happy evening. My
Sigismund did not look at me critically
any more. He seemed to think me
quite chic — no, no ! we are never to
say that wicked word again. Instead
of chic we are always to say zudem-
neuestenundfeinstenstilgehorig.
Ever thine, GRETCHEX.
THE DIRCE OF THE DRESS-GOAT.
["Evening dress optional but unfashionable."
West End Tlieatrc announcement.]
LET us rise up and part, O vest and
bags,
My brethren in the trio of "glad rags " ;
Our fashionable reign is dead as
mutton •
The butcher's knife has carven into
scrags ;
We are tUmodes, cloth and thread and
button ;
Our brilliance fades, our shapely out-
line sags,
O vest and bags.
Let us give up, old things, let us decease.
No longer now the splendour of your
crease
Appeals, O bags, to Algernon or Bert ;
No more, O vest, as in the hour of peace,
Your sable curves enframe the bright
"boiled shirt " ;
When London says ' ' A merciful release ! ' '
Let us decease.
But haply we may find a haven yet
Ere from the earth we ultimately "get " ;
Some red-nosed mirth-provoker of
the Halls
May wear us still for fun ; or, being set
Beside a chimney hat within the
walls
Of some museum, we may find " to let "
A haven yet !
A "Roomy" Car.
"MOTOR CARS, CYCLES,
BEESTOX, Humber-road, double fronted,
two reception, six bedrooms."
Nottingham Guardian.
Suitable for caravanning.
" This mine has just been added to the col-
lection of war trophies in London. It is
growing daily." — Daily Mirror.
This is very alarming. We trust it
won't burst.
DECEMBER 1, 1915. |
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CIIAUIVAUI.
Highland Lass (to wartime postman). " Hoo ARE YE LIKIS' YKB JOB, SASDY?"
Sandy. "No AVA ! Hoo WAD rot; LIKE TAE WALK SAX MILE UP THE OLES wi' N.VETIIIN'
LASSIE'S COLLECTION?"
BUT TIH PICTURI-P06TCAIRD FOB A HIT
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)
A LITTLE while ago I remember writing that each of the
war-books now jostling one another from the Press had
its individual and special excellence. That of Between the
Lines (SMITH, ELDER) I should set down as realisation for
the stay-at-home of actual fighting under modern conditions..
Many of the other war chroniclers deal only sparingly with
the absolute killing and being killed that are at the heart of
the whole hideous business. Not so the writer who calls
himself BOYD CABLE, and who (as he tells us in his Preface)
has composed this book, all of it, within sound of the
German guns and for the most part within shell and rifle
range. His especial aim has been to explain " what lies
behind and goes to the making of these curt and vague
terms in the war communiques." To this end many of
his chapters (which you may remember in The Cornhill or
The Westminster) are headed by one of those phrases which,
though use has now made them familiar, remain mysterious
to us who only see the War through reports darkly.
" Artillery Support," " Advanced Trenches," " Nothing to
Report" — these are the words that he has translated into
pictures so vivid that at times the roar and reek, the whole
terrific nerve-wracking tension of trench-warfare seems to
leap out at you from the pages. It is a terrible and thrilling
glossary that will be read and re-read in countless homes.
One chapter especially, called "The Mine," is really a short
war-story of which any writer in Europe might be proud ;
I have myself road it three times with increasing admira-
tion. For this alone Between the Lines would be a book
that no one should miss.
The Princess CATHERINE BADZIWILL has written, Messrs.
CASSELL have published, and I have read Sovereigns and
Statesmen of Europe, a stalwart book illustrated with eight
photogravures and priced at 10s. 6d. net. Of those three
achievements mine is, perhaps, the most noteworthy, for in
regard to style and interest it must be said that the book
does but little to help the reader who comes to it with a
desire to be initiated into the mazes and mysteries of
European diplomacy and to learn the qualities of those
who have lately directed it to such calamitous issues. For
instance, it does not carry me any further in my know-
ledge of Russia to be told that M. KOKOVTSOV "has an
exaggerated idea of his facility in speaking foreign languages
— a trait which is noticeable among other middle-class
people whose early surroundings did not entitle them to
the right of expressing themselves in any other idiom than
their own. It is the saddest part of M. KOKOVTSOV that he
is middle-class, in spite of ah1 his efforts not to appear so."
Again in the pages devoted to M. VIVIANI we learn that a
certain lady said of him that he would go far " because the
first time I saw him he was still eating with his knife,
whilst yesterday he did not even attempt to do so with his
fish-knife." This unexpected remark is said by the Princess
to have delighted all in the room, and she adds that " this
paradox had a deep meaning." All I can say is that it is
4fiO
PUNCH, Oil TIIK LONDON CM AIM V AIM. [DECBMUSR 1, I'Jir,.
not my idea of a paradox
middle-class to appreciate
, but then possibly I am too
all the sacred tilings that arc
lost their eyesight in tlio War ; and when that eloquent fact
has boon stated I feel that your hands arc already feeling
fnr f.hn three aliil]ini7B which :im nxU'Ail nf von fnr the lu»ln
own KIM; the Prim-ess is good enough to say that '• he has ' of so humane a cause. Incidentally you will also be doing
shown himself a faithful servant of his country, watching a good turn to \oiirsclf, for this hook is no medley collet-fed
over her interests, and trying to lead her on the path of
prosperity and greatness." The book is full of these
lightning flashes of insight and epigram.
you
in haste and pushed IK-I \\cvn attractive covers, but a volume
that contains excellent work by both authors and artists.
Mr. H. G. WELLS, for instance, has contributed a tale that
no admirer of his ought to miss, and Mr. HUGH THOMSON'S
Frontispiece is a delightful example of his delicate manner.
It has often been my privilege to suggest that _
should read such and such a book ; now here is one, The j We are perhaps becoming a little sceptical about the work
Queen's Net (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) that I wish to urge attached to well-known names in a volume of this kind, but
you in the strongest terms not only to read, but to buy.
And this for two reasons. First because you will thus be
helping one of the most
practical and deserving
works that this time of
crisis has called into
action ; secondly, because
you will at the same time
give yourself a great deal
of pleasure. For this
book, which Mr. HAROLD
BEGBIE has written about
the "Queen's Work for
Women Fund," and cer-
tain persons who have
been helped by it, is em-
phatically not one that j
needs the cloak of charity j
to cover its artistic sins, j
It has a value of its own,
apart from its object, as
being supremely well
written, with that highest
art that eliminates the
writer altogether, and
leaves the reader face to
face with the persons
described, as living reali-
ties. And how they live,
and the strangeness of
the stories they tell !
One has continually to
remind oneself with an
effort that here is no
novelist's make - believe,
but existence as it has
been actually endured by
gently-born women in these last terrible days. Unex-
pectedly, perhaps, there never was a more heartening
book, one more full of kindness and courage, and even
heroic laughter. The persons of whom it treats are all
— with perhaps one odd exception — at the present moment
here I can assure you that the sceptics will draw blank-
er almost blank.
PASSPORTS.
Assistant in Tourist Office. " SORRY TO KKF.P YOU WAITING, MADAM—
I MUST FINISH ASSISTING THIS GENTLEMAN WITH THE DESCRIPTION OP
JUS FACE."
entirely happy people ; the horror from which they have
been gently lifted, and wherein others are still struggling,
is the background against which they stand out in cheer-
ful contrast. There is, I hope, no need to speak now of
the aims and achievements of the noble and chivalrous
scheme which The Queen's Net has been written to help.
Buy the book for yourself, read it, as you will, between
laughter and tears, and you will understand what work it
is to which our Greatest Lady has given her name and
energy.
All the profits from the sale of The Blinded Soldierx' >u:<l
Sailors' Gift Book, which is edited by Mr. GEORGE GOOD-
CHILD and published by Messrs. JABROLD, will be given to
Mr. C. ARTHUR PEARSON for the benefit of those who have
No check to our charitable impulses can
be possible while a chance
is given us to lighten the
sense of tragedy in the
lives of those who have
fought and suffered for us;
but the only royal way to
assist our blinded men is
to help them to help them-
selves, and this is the
work which is being so
wonderfully done — as Mr.
CHARLES MARRIOTT tells us
— at St.Dunstan's, Regent.
Park, a work to which
it was his privilege, and
is mine, to direct your
generous hearts.
If you are a close
student of the work of
Mr. GEORGE MOORE you
are no doubt already
familiar with that one, of
his early stories which
originally appeared under
1 the title of A Dniina in
Muslin. Anyhow, it has
now been rep ubli shed
under the name of Muslin
(HEIXEMANN). Thechange
is to be commended, as
there is certainly more
muslin than drama about
the tale ; one might even
add, in captious mood, that
the muslin is of no special quality. For the rest the book
remains a comedy of Irish manners in the early eighties ;
rather more than a little sordid in theme (was Dublin society
of those days ?o frankly husband-hunting ?), hut engagingly
youthful both in its manner and outlook. There is youth
even in the attempts to outrage the sensibilities of the
libraries. Daring for daring's sake was still a big adventure
in those days ; it has become commonplace now. Fortun-
ately the maturer Mr. MOORE has been so kind, in a new
preface, as to give the reviewer of Muslin a friendly lead.
" A comedy novel, written with sprightliness and wit," is
what he thinks of it. Elsewhere he notices that the theme
is very much that of .4 Drill's House (which I should not
have thought myself), and concludes a sympathetic notice
of his own heroine with the pronouncement that she "gives
me much the same kind of pleasure as a good drawing."
And, as I suppose Mr. MOOHK ought to know, I will con-
tent myself with passing on to you his verdict. Personally
I shall continue to like other work of his a great deal better
than this rather thin and faded chiffon.
DECEHHEB 8. 1915.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
4'
CHARIVARIA.
YYilF.N in Vienna 1 be (lei-man K MSDII
had his portrait pointed by an Austrian
artist, and tlio AVw /'/,,•, /',,
describing tin- picture, says, "The face,
as represented l>\ Schmut/er, is an open
feeding dogs \\ith Ix-ech-wood.
i that in time tlii'sw inU-lhijml
animals will IK- trained to subsist u|xm
their own hiirk. , ^
*
Ijord Km HIM it has been justly
complimented on the amount of travel-
gian
Extract of i
.rviettea.'
ial."
• •
look." A hook that wants binding
n Russia, for choice.
:
lii reply to representations made by
he Roman Catholics of Germain' on
lehalf of (lie Armenians, the IMI-I.IMM.
'HAM 1:1.1.01; lias replied that "the
lerman (lo\ eminent, in friendly com-
nunication with the Turkish Govern-
ment, has been at constant pains
,o better the situation of Turkey's
Christian subjects." Thanks to
his friendly intervention half-a-
nillion Armenians will never suffer
igain from Turkish misrule.
It is Usc-majestt in Germany to
•litieise unfavourably any com-
position of the WAR LOUD. Pri-
vately however, the IMPKHI AI,
Cii \NCKLLOB is said to have re-
marked that the Imperial telegram
if congratulation on his birthday,
which, unfortunately, you cele-
brate for the second time in this
war," was slightly ambiguous.
;;: ;|:
In connection with the recent
changes in the Austrian Ministry
it is stated that the Austrian Par-
liament has never met since the
beginning of the War. The infer-
ence that this alone has enabled
Austria to hold out so long receives
no support down Westminster way.
From the list of Christmas books
issued by the German publishers
there would appear to be an extensive
demand for British sea-stories, such
works as Robinson Crusoe, Treasure
hlnnd and The Pirate being freely
advertised, though of course in trans-
lations. It is suspected that these
books are issued by the German Ad-
miralty to the sailors in the Kiel Canal,
in order to give them a notion of the
ocean.
AYith the fervour of a renegade Hen-
HOUSTON CHAMBERLAIN insists that
German, not English, must become the
universal language, and says, " People
must learn to see that he who does not
speak German is a pariah." The choice,
as he puts it, is between the guttei
and the guttural ; but are these terms
mutually exclusive ?
A Berlin Professor, lecturing on the
use of trees as fodder, stated that ex-
periments have already been made in
ling that he accomplished during his
three weeks' absence from !x>iulon. lint
bis exploits sink into intiignii
side those of his colleagues. They were
all over 'I'll- (Unite in half the time.
v
The latest story from the Front (not
submitted to the Press Bureau
British airman had trouble with his
engine and was obliged to come down
in the German lines. Then- two Ger
-.11
••an say
~
i* tlieonlv
NOVEL CHRISTMAS GIFT.
TO ENABLE TOCB MALE FBIBHD8 TO FORO1
THEIR SO-TBEATINO, EAIILY-CLO8ISO WORRIES.
man
staff officers arrested him, and, deep.
An uniHWMinl) gl.Miiiiv view of the
War Bonds is taker.
iltfn I ttf. when it *ayi:
" The money will be fully returned to
us some day ; but that, except we are
•. oiing. will only be after we have
been a long time dead." Our Scottish
contemporary is on safer ground
when it asserts that certain cUttes
•• would invest more freely in \V»r
Loans if tin* vouchers were made
liquid." | 0
Lord HAI.PANK has uttered a
surely otiose warning against en-
at this time into peace nego-
ith the ruling junta in
(in-many, on the ground that they
may go bock now in order to leap
again later on. As be very properly
says, " NVe do not intend to
any leaping again Interim."
HAI.PANK as an eligible bachelor is
now expected to move that 1916 be
dropped from the calendar.
- » o
One of our social chroniclers tells
us that a titled lady has recently
undergone an operation, " per-
formed by a specialist who prefers
to be known as plain Mr. Blank."
It is a curious whim, but he haa,
of course, constant occasion to
realise that beauty is only skin
« *
having had the engine put right, in-
sisted? with menacing pistols, on his A wounded soldier, wnti
taking them up to reconnoitre. Arrived hospital, said,
over the British lines, the airman, who Please label my fruit cake socki
had taken the precaution to strap him- you want it to get to nw
self in, looped the loop. Out fell the
Germans; and down he came in
triumph. * *
Some anxiety was felt
A British consular officer, returning
from the 1 .11 l'.a-t on a Japanese liner,
was startled, on nearing port one day, to
as to the read the following notice, -.ignitl by the
stand Purser: "All Consuls will be opened
ability of Major CHURCHILL to
the rigours of the trenches.
was quite superfluous. One
brother-officers has described how, on
the very first night of his arrival,; ..... ^_ __
after consuming the ordinary rations: onccon a um« wholeheartedly encouraged
in a tireless dug-out, « he warmed u . in . udok "•«
But it from 9 A.M. in the morning."
MR. FRY'S SKl'RKT.
the girl'» head in nuir.tivw whom h«
udpok
he 's all right.
I'aper.
\ The girl was a mermaid— that is clear
\ little girl came homo from scl 1 enough.' "But'we'are fairly floored by
the other day with a rn.-dal. Asked «• m.mtive..
VOL. CXLIX.
462
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[DECEMBER 8, 1915.
UNWRITTEN LETTERS TO THE KAISER.
No. XXXT.
(From MAXIMILIAN HARDEN, Editor of the "Znkiinft.")
SIR, — It Las rather been my custom to criticise Kings
and Emperors in the columns of my paper than to address
them directly by means of a letter. Indeed, I have shrunk
from allowing my name to be mixed up with those who in
this ago appear to me to be phantasms of the world-brain
called up into what is only a semblance of existence, having
no substance and no relation to reality. Still, even these
shadowy appearances that flit across the face of things
have their influence. One must reckon with them in a
world which is often ruled by shadows ; and thus it comes
that I, who am but a hardworking publicist, earning my
daily bread by the labour of my pen, address myself to you,
the high and mighty KAISER, whose nod is supposed to
shake the spheres and whose lifted hand shatters kingdoms
into ruins.
For yourself as a man I may say that I have no vener-
ation. You are the chief of the gloomiest and coarsest
Court in Europe. No attempt that has been made to
lighten the darkness and to mitigate the harshness of that
Court has had more than a momentary success. Now and
then a young and gay-hearted princess nrght appear and
shine for an instant, but she was immediately drawn down
into the vortex and, to all intents and purposes, she dis-
appeared. It would have needed something more than
youth and smiles and innocent gaiety to resist the oppres-
sion of the combined sabre-clanking and hard pietistic
influences to which the new-comer was exposed from the
time of her entrance into this dreadful circle. And so it
has come about that there has been no check — none, at any
rate, that in the least availed — on your own baffling and
impulsive personality. At one moment you would pose as
the War-Lord, tierce and be-starred and be-belmeted ; at
another you would show yourself as the glorified huck-
ster of world-power, intent on gaining by commercialism
all that your heavy diplomacy might fail to accomplish ;
and then, hey — presto ! you would change again and would
invoke in sanctimonious accents a tribal god whom, with
the aid of the narrowest and most primitive Hebraism, you
had invented as joint guardian with your own exalted self
of the traditions of the house of Hohenzollern.
And now the natural result of all this feverish striving
and all this posturing has happened, and we Germans are
at war. For sixteen months we have been at war, and the
end is not yet. On all sides money and blood are poured
out like water. We are determined to achieve victory, but
our foes too are stubborn and are resolved at whatever
cost to bring us to the ground. So the fighting, and the
deaths and the sufferings continue and desolation threatens
the world. And in the midst of this unexampled welter, in
which our earth seems to be returning to chaos, are heard
faintly, but with increasing distinctness, the voices (some
of them German) of those who ask for peace bsfore
universal ruin is utterly accomplished. As to this it is
right that we should not deceive ourselves by indulging
in a hope that nations whom we have attacked are, any of
them, in the mood to lay down their arms or to cease from
defending themselves and from attacking us. By our own
acts we have closed the avenues that might lead to peace.
If we hint that peace is now possible our enemies retort
upon us the destruction of Louvain, the shattering of
Belgium, the sinking of the Lusitania, what they call the
foul murder of Nurse CAVELL — in a word, all those acts
which we have performed witli the justifiable intention of
producing terror and thus of shortening the War and
which are now seen to recoil upon us and to lengthen the
period of our sufferings. It is bad for a nation to become
a victim to sentimentalism, but there are different kinds of
sentimentalism, and perhaps the worst and most dangerous
kind is the anti-scntimentalism of the more brutal kind of
soldiers who see nothing but guns and shells and bayonets
and armies, and forget that their acts may rouse a spirit
against which the most powerful armaments cannot in the
long run prevail.
Your faithful Editor, MAXIMILIAN HARDEN.
THE PHILOSOPHY OF THOMAS.
IN Summer we suffered from dust an' from flies,
The flies in our rations, the dust in our eyes,
An' some of our fellows they drooped in the 'eat,
But the Bosch, oh, the Bosch, was perspirin' a treat !
There were times when we longed for a tankard o' beer,
Bein' sick o' warm water — our tipple out 'ere,
But our tongues might be furry an' throats like a flue,
Yet it's nothin' to wot the fat Bosches went through.
Now Winter is 'ere with the wet an' the cold,
An' our rifles an' kit are a sight to be'old,
An' in trenches that 's flooded we tumble an' splosh,
"Wot cheer?" we remarks. "It's the same for the
Bosch."
If we 're standin' in two foot o' water, you see,
Quite likely the Bosches are standin' in three ;
An' though the keen frost may be ticklin' our toes,
'Oo doubts that the Bosches' 'ole bodies is froxe '.'
Are we sleepy or sick or 'arf dead for a meal ?
Just think of 'ow underfed Bosches must feel !
Are we badly in need of a shave an' a wash ?
Consider the 'orrible state o' the Bosch !
So 'ere 's our philosophy simple an' plain :
Wotever we 'ates in the bloomin' campaign,
'Tis balm to our souls, as we grumble an' cuss,
To feel that the Bosches are 'atin' it wuss.
Omnivorous.
After a Harvest Festival : —
"Our thanks are due ... to those who furnish the wheat,
barley, oats, bread and apples, which are afterwards greatly enjoyed
by the choir boys." — Parish Magazine.
"'0 grave, where is thy victory, O death, where is thy sting?'
said the great writer, Hall Caine." — Daily Telegraph.
But we fancy he had been anticipated.
Extract from a resolution passed by the Council of the
English Kerry and Dexter Cattle Society: —
"An entry form must be filled up giving the name, colour, date
of birth, names and addresses of the breeder an i owner."
Owners and breeders who may object to giving these per-
sonal details will be glad to see that the resolution will
require confirmation at the next Council meeting.
"Sir Arthur Priestley predicts that for years after the war the
modern Hun will crawl about the world like the parish dog in India."
Jersey Evening !'<»;!.
Very different from the parish pump, which is a fixture.
Impending Apology.
In a report of a recent discussion re the lighting regu-
lations as given in Lake's Falmouth Packet : —
"Councillor supported the street lamp at the earner of
Truro Lane."
PUNCH, OK Till: LONDON CIIARlVARI.-Dw BMBKB 8. 1915.
THE POLITICAL ECONOMIST
MKMHKK 0. P«UA««T (to ^-inan). "LET ME SEE
WAGES HAVE GONE UP; WHEREAS-LOOK AT UK I
ADDITION TO MY FOUR HUNDRED POUNDS
•
DBCBUBBB 8, 19151 PTTXT'U nro wur,
H. Oil IIII. I.I.MM.X rilAIMVAIII.
• .
Old Gentleman (engaging new chauffeur). "I SUPPOSE I CAN WBITS TO YOCB LAST EMPLOYER FOB YOCB CIIAB»CTEB?"
Chauffeur. "I AM BOBBY TO BAY, SIB, EACH OP THE LAST TWO OEXTLEMEX I HAVE BEEX WITH DIED w MY KKI:
THE NEW VIVISECTION.
FEW recent books have been more
piquantly promising than the collection
of portraits of Sir RABINDRAXATH TAG-
ORE, by Mr. ROTHENSTEIN, with a com-
mentary by Mr. MAX BEERBOHM. That
MAX, the peculiarly Occidental quiz and
delineator of the foibles of London's
artistic and literary butterflies, should
devote himself to the appreciation of
the famous Indian mystic is considered
to have as many elements of, let us say,
surprise as often get mixed together
between two covers.
This book, however, odd as it may
be, does not stand alone. Other artists
and critics have also been at work on
similar collaborations, and we are able
to some extent to outline their activities.
As to the series of portrait studies
of Lord NORTHCLIFFE by Herr RAE-
MAEKERS, with descriptive text by Sir
JOHN SIMON, no information has yet
reached us ; and we are similarly to seek
as to the more juicy particulars of a
luscious septet of presentments in colour
of Mr. SELFRIDGE by Mr. JOHN HASSALL,
with joint appraisement by Madame
Du BOCCAGE and CALLISTHENES ; nor
have we had any opportunity yet to
examine the twelve versions of the
fascinating but little-known physiog-
nomy of the Eev. R. J. CAMPBELL by
Mr. AUGUSTUS JOHN, with analytical
letter-press by Mr. W. W. JACOBS,
which is so eagerly awaited by the
cognoscenti.
We have, however, been favoured
with advance proofs of the ten views of
the more prominent facial peculiarities
of Lord HALDAXE by Mr. SAHGENT,
with a eulogy by Mr. ROGEB FBY, and
we can wholeheartedly recommend this
morceau.
Mr. FRY'S absorbing excursus is
largely devoted to a comparison be-
tween Lord HALDAXE'S visage as it Dim-
is and what it might be had it been
designed by an artist of pronounced
futurist or even vorticist tendencies.
In a scholarly aside on the superiority
of the Cyclopean ideal of beauty over
that commonly admired to-day, the
essayist rises to lyrical heights. He
shows us the Cyclops in all his savage
charm, with one eye in the middle of
his forehead, and then proves clearly
that the precision and philosophic calm
of Lord HALDAXE'S character made
it imperative that he should have
two eyes, each in the usual place on
either side of the nose, no matter what
the sacrifice in aesthetic rapture.
We prophesy an immense success for
this extraordinary book.
A PARDONABLE EKKOH.
THROUGH London lately as I went
There smote mine ear a sound of
joy,
And, strange to say, the instrument
Of this was but a newsman's boy
Who plied with much, reiterated bawl-
ing
His most untuneful "call:
When his announcement of the news
Against my tympanum was hurled,
I thought of Mr. UBOWNIXO'S v;
Alxnit the" tightness" of the world.
And cried: "The wings of Xi-inesis
awaken,
And Wrong is overtaken '. "
But when I neared the youth and
scanned
The flaring placard which he lx>re
In one unwashed but honest luuul,
I quickly came to earth once more.
This was the headline : " KAISKR ix
VIKXXA";
I thought he said " Gehenna."
Not a Popular Beverage.
" It is proposed to increase by about 2J. per
1,000 gallons the charges for inter in Man-
chester. The revised scale will mean an
additional annual revenue to the Corporation
of £0,000."— Gloucesterihirt Kclio.
4GG
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAIMVAIM.
[DECEMBER 8, 1915.
ON THE SPY-TRAIL.
You don't know the Hill Farm,
perhaps. Well, it is only about two
miles from Jimmy's home. Jimmy
goes there sometimes ; not for anything
in particular — he just goes there, and
when you are there of course there you
are, and that 's how Jimmy met the
farmer. He met him in the orchard ;
not by appointment or anything silly
like that ; he just happened to meet
him.
Jimmy says the way the farmer kept
on swishing his whip about nearly
made him fall out of the apple-tree.
He wished ho wouldn't keep on re-
minding him of things like
that, as it made the apples
curdle on his stomach like
anything.
Jimmy tried to bargain
with him. He asked the
farmer how many swishes
he really wanted to have
at him to feel quite easy in
his mind about it.
When the farmer said
twenty, Jimmy climbed
four feet higher up and
asked the farmer if he
would like to hear him
recite "Casablanca."
The farmer didn't care
much for poetry, Jimmy
says, so Jimmy asked him
if five swishes, and what
he would get if he caught
him again, wouldn't do if
he showed the farmer how
to move his ears and scalp
at the same time. Jimmy
also offered to throw in a
certain cure for freckles.
But no !
Jimmy says it is very
who was harnessing the horse wore a
black tail coat and bowler hat, and
Jimmy had last seen him in London,
where his mother took him to have a
meal somewhere.
Jimmy was so surprised that he
stopped eating. Jimmy knew the man
at once, because when his mother took
him to a restaurant when he was in
London the man showed them where
to sit.
The man didn't recognise Jimmy,
but he told him he had come to help
the farmer with his harvest. He didn't
charge the farmer anything, he came
because of the War, and of where
Kn gland would be if he didn't.
Merchant.
Office Girl
COMPLEXION
"BATHEB POOR STUFF, THIS NEW PASTE, SMITHF.RS."
"I THINK, SlB, THAT YOU ABB INADVEBTENTLY USING MY
GEE AM."
funny how everything bad you have
done comes back to you when you are
up a tree. Jimmy says he thought of
all the mistakes he had made in dicta-
tion, and how he had said that an axiom
was what the world went round on,
when suddenly the farmer asked him his
name, and that settled it, because the
farmer had heard all about Jimmy's
bloodhound Faithful and the German
spies he had caught.
He told Jimmy that if he would bring
his bloodhound tor him to look at and
show him how he caught spies, he
could have as many apples as he liked.
Jimmy says it is wonderful how nice
farmers are when you come to know
them. The farmer told Jimmy that he
was sending a man in to the town, and
that Jimmy could drive in with him and
bring his bloodhound back in the cart.
Jin? my says he was surprised when
he wnt into the varcl, because the man
Jimmy says the man was a bit
puzzled with the harness. He told
Jimmy that he had got the waist-band
all right, but that he couldn't find out
what you buttoned the horse's braces to.
Jimmy says it was a very loving
horse, and as the man was buckling the
ends of the reins to the collar the horse
kept trying to kiss him in the middle
of the back, and the man kept saying,
" Lie down, will you ! " The man had
had a little difficulty with the collar,
Jimmy says ; he said it was only a
fourteen-and-a-half collar and the horse
took a large seventeen.
The man had just told Jimmy that
perhaps he had better undress the horse
and begin all
farmer came
over again when
to see what was
matter. Jimmy says the farmer seemed
to ease the horse's mind a lot.
On the way the man told Jimmy that
he liked driving, but it was always best
to wear spurs, and he wished he had
brought his with him. He was swank-
ing a bit, Jimmy says.
It was one of these light spring carts,
Jimmy says, without any springs, and
you sat on the bide instead of on a seat.
Jimmy says very few vehicles passed
them on the road, and most of them
had to go on the path with one wheel
in the ditch. One gentleman in a
motor car had been playing a tune on
his horn for some time before he could
get past, and then he was so glad that
he turned round to let them see his
red face.
Jimmy got Faithful in all right, and
the man told Jimmy he could drive the
horse back, because Faith-
ful kept trying to snil'f a
piece out of his trousers,
and he couldn't keep his
eye on Faithful and on
the horse.
Jimmy was very glad to
drive. You see Jimmy
knows all about the way
to make horses go. You
do it with a prickly burr,
and you put it under the
horse's tail for him to
hold there. Jimmy knows
about prickly burrs be-
cause they teach him
nature study at school.
He is very fond of nature
study.
Jimmy says they
bumped a good deal be-
cause of the springs that
weren't in the cart, and
the man tried to hold on
to the bottom of the cart,
they went so fast.
Jimmy says it was like
those pictures where you
take artillery into action,
except that they don't use burrs. But
Jimmy was all right because the
butcher boy showed him how to drive
like that. Jimmy says the butcher
boy always stood on the top of his cart
whistling, with his hands in his pockets
and then made his horse run away.
Jimmy says all you have to do is to
sway with tiie humps.
Jimmy says the man's bowler hat
came off and began dancing about on
the bottom of the cart at Faithful and
daring him. Faithful soon got on its
track ; he chased it all round the cart
and tore it limb from limb, Jimmy
says, just to show it. The man didn't
say anything except that they would
the be killed, and good-bye. He seemed a
the bit sea-sick, Jimmy says.
The horse was very glad to see the
farmer again, it wanted him to make a
pet of it and not let it out of his sight.
The farmer was surprised when he
,:s, I9i5.j_ PUNCH. (,i; -| i IK LONDON « II \i;i\ AIM.
;
v i \ !
Officer (visiting Sentry). '• AXD WHAT ABB YOUR DCTH>.'"
Sentry (after a few minutes' Jtesitation). "To PBEVKSI ANY USAUTHORUED I-KBSOS FROM EXTEUIXO GOVKBSMI.NT PROPERTY ASD to
STOP ALL AIR RAIDS."
saw Faithful, Jimmy says ; he told
Jimmy that he thought he had got
rather a large collar on him. But
Jimmy told him it wasn't a collar ; it
was the leather hand out of the man's
hat ; and it had " Otto Schmidt "
written in ink on it.
Jimmy says the farmer looked at the
man and then at the leather band, and
then at the man again, and then at the
leather band, and he kept on doing it,
and then finally he looked at old
Faithful, who was trying to scratch his
ear off with his hind leg.
Then lie said, " Dang my buttons if
you hain't a German ! "
"The writers agree that the British Staff
officer is chosen solely for his ability and
training and that at the front he is now
working from between 8 and 9 p.m. until about
eleven o'clock or midnight."
New York Herald (Paris Edition).
Yet some of his critics have tried to
make us believe that those are just the
hours that he devotes to bridge.
The Leather Bottel.
" We are now faced with a series of regu-
lations so stringent that we shall have to drink
with our shoes in our hands, like the Jews at
the Feast of Passover."— Morning Post.
SPECIALITY TURNS FOB THE
MUSIC-HALLS.
A WELL-KNOWN music-hall manager
1 has stated that the most attractive
I sketch for a popular actor to produce
i on the Variety stage is one that displays
I him in what the public has come to ;
regard as a characteristic situation. (
But in this age of condensation why
not go further and have the situation
without the sketch? We append a
suggested programme, such as should
prove an enormously popular success
on these lines : —
THE COMKANSKEUM.
PREMIER VARIETY HOUSE.
Change of Programme Weekly.
^•i/thing Else Strong.
Your favourite Artistes in their
Sociality Stunts 1
(i) Sir GEORGE ALEXANDER will stand
with his back against a chair or
table, and relate a Ten-minutes'
Anecdote (with French quotations)
to a family circle of antagonistic
vulgarians.
An Act without its equal for
charm and deportment.
(ii) Mr. FHED TEHBT will give an ex-
hibition of Ironic Bowing. The
Navarre and Pimpernel Bowg, etc.
Also the Glad Eye as made at the
Court of King Charles the Second.
(iii) Mr. CHARLES HAWTKEY, Champion
Theatrical Prevaricator of Europe,
will Lie.
(iv) Mr. ABTHCB BOUBCIIIEII will con-
sume an entire Five-course Dinner,
and simultaneously deliver a Mono-
logue on the sins of Society.
(The only Actor who can be im-
pressive artc la bovcJie pleine.)
(v) MI-.GKHAI.DDI: MAI RiER(Lightning
Mental Contortionist) will submit
to cross-examination by a Com-
mittee of the Audience, and will
undertake to recover from at least
three damaging Admissions.
Also Back-slapping, Winking,
and other popular features.
(vi) Sir HERBERT THEE will imitate a
/cppelin located by search-lights.
(vii) Finally Mr. NORMAN McKr
(Strength in Silence) will give a
Dumb Show Illustration of the
text : " It is better to be taciturn
than Iwautiful."
408
rrxcn, on THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[DECEMBER 8, 1915.
A CHAT WITH SCYLLA AND
CHARYBDIS.
I AM an uncle. I don't say it in any
boasting spirit, but simply to show you
that I have a stake in the country. I
found my nieces the other evening in
the nursery.
Lillah, looking distressingly bored.
was lying face downwards on the lloor.
Phyllis was putting the hands of the
clock back, lest, as the ancients had it,
bed-time anticipate her.
My arrival was not the signal for a
furore.
" Here 's Uncle James," said Lillah,
without emotion, while Phyllis said
nothing at all.
Luckilv I knew the way to rouse
them.
" Good evening, babies," I said.
When the uproar had died down they
decided that I might be of some use.
" Tell us about the War," said Lillah.
" Yes," echoed Phyllis.
" The War," I began, " is a very
terrible thing."
"That's what Mummie says," said
Phyllis with an air of reproach.
I apologised for having pilfered some-
one else's mot.
" And Daddy says," added Lillah,
with obvious effort, " it 's a disgrace to
sillyvisation."
" And he says, damme, he wishes he
was a bit younger," said Phyllis with
immense gravity.
" Daddy says," Lillah went on, " that
we are fighting for the flag. Are we '.' "
" Certainly," I answered.
" Do the Germans want our flag '? "
" They want everything."
"Why couldn't we give them one
like it?" asked Phyllis with deadly
common-sense.
" Because they can't even keep their
own clean," said 1.
"They could send it to the wash,"
pondered Lillah.
"They will have to," I answered
grimly.
" Daddy says we are fighting for
sillyvisation too. Are we? "
" Your father," I said, " is always
right."
"I know," said Phyllis gravely. "I
wanted to see if you knew."
" Your Uncle also," I said with
hauteur, "is seldom wrong."
There was a ponderous silence.
" Mummie told Daddy," said Lillah,
" that you weren't ever very bright."
" Oh, indeed ! " said I. I shall say a
few hard words to Margaret about that
— putting ideas into the children's
heads.
" And when we 've won," said Phyllis,
" will we have sillyvisation ? "
" I hope so."
" What will it be like — a fairy-tale? "
" Very probably."
" Daddy says it 's freedom. What 's
freedom ?
" Freedom, " I said "is — cr — being
able to do what you like."
" Then won't there be any policemen
after the War?"
"Oh yes, we shall keep the police-
men."
" Why ? "
"Because the streets would look so
bare without them."
They looked at me with suspicion ;
even at that tender age they could not
believe in an aesthetic ratepayer.
"Do people like the War?" said
Phyllis.
"No," I answered. That was easy.
" Not even the Germans ? "
" I think not."
" But if nobody made the big guns
there wouldn't be any war ? "
" Er — no," I said.
" Then why do people ? "
" Well — er — " I stopped. I could
see that my last rags of reputation for
brightness were going. I was in the
Uncle's last ditch.
" When you are older," I began ;
but Lillah interrupted.
" And why don't policemen take the
people who make the guns ? " It was
Phyllis's shot.
" And if nobody wants the Wrar what
makes it go on ?"
"And if it's a disgrace," queried
Lillah, "why c!o3S Daddy want to
go ? "
"And why," began Phyllis; but I
put up my hand.
" One day," I said, " I must tell you
the story of SOCRATES, w7ho had to drink
a very nasty medicine called hemlock."
" What for ? " said Lillah.
" For asking too many questions,"
I said.
" Were the people who gave it to
him the people who didn't know the
answers ? " said Lillah.
" Yes, they were," I said, as I rose.
I took out my watch.
" Good heavens, it 's after bedtime ! "
"Does vour watch say right?" said
Phyllis.
" It sometimes underestimates, but
it never exaggerates," I said. At that
moment Daddy himself appeared.
" Good-night chicks," he said. " Has
Uncle James been amusing you? "
"We've been playing with him,"
said Lillah with gravity.
And if ever there was a donhlr
entendre I '11 swear it was there. And
so they went to bed.
"I don't know," I said to George as
we went downstairs, " why you called
your daughters Lillah and Phyllis ; their
real names are Scylla and Charybdis."
But George is a dull man, and simply
said that Charybdis Watson would
have sounded ridiculous.
SEASONABLE (?) NOVELTIES.
A CATALOGUE of Christmas toys
contains a Mechanical Motor-accident
and a Realistic Trench-warfare model,
"with apparatus for Poison - Gas."
Surely this method of preventing child-
ren's minds from dwelling upon the
cheery side of life is capable of fuither
extension, as under: —
THE Fuo/Ex-rii'E DOLL'S HOUSE. —
Charmingly-furnished six-room House,
with complete model system of Leaking
Pipes. Eeal Water can be made to run
down the walls. Paper peels off, etc.
Endless Fun-for Young and Old. 7s. 6</.
and 10s. Grf.
Larger, with workable Kitchen-boiler
Explosion, and death of Ccok. 15*.
THE INFLUENZA DOLL. — Exquisite
model, with hand-painted Red Nose,
dressed in real blankets. On being
squeezed the Doll emits a cough similar
to that produced by severe bronchial
congestion. 6s.
Superior quality, with Double-Pneu-
monia effect. 8s. C<7.
ELEGANT MODEL CINEMA TIIEATUI:,
with Igniting Film and real Flames.
Just the toy for a Thoughtful Child.
Complete in box, with four refills of
combustible Model Audience. 21s.
THE LITTLE DENTIST. — Entire outfit,
including miniature Forceps, Gags, Gas-
bags, etc. Will keep an entire Nursery
happy for hours. Help Baby with his
Teething. 5s. Gd. the set (or, including
model Electric-drill and old Illustrated
Papers for Waiting-room, 12s.).
IN FLANDERS FIELDS.
IN Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place ; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.
We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.
Take up our quarrel with the foe :
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.
" Will this war bring us to Kidderminster ?"
English Churchman.
Well, there are worse places than Kid-
derminster.
s, i |»|'\rn ni> -m
11 "I! NIK I.MM>(,X r||
•C'OMi: ALONG, 8LACKEB, OB I'LL PUT LoBD DcBBY OS TO YOU 1 "
THE UBIQUITOUS SCOT.
WE leain from The Daily L'hronich
hat Mr. RICHARD NOBTHCOTT has com
)iled and privately printed some note!
on the life and operas of DONIX.KTTI
vhich establish the interesting fact
that the composer's grandfather wa*
one DONALD IZETT, a native of Perth-
shire, who went to Italy, when the
name became "Donizetti."'
GUIEG'S Scottish origin — his for-
bears spelt it Greig— is already well
known, but several other famous Italian
musicians and poets also hailed from
beyond theTweed. Thus recent genea-
logical researches have revealed the
interesting fact that BELLINI assumed
that name as a tribute to the memory
of his grandmother, who was born at
Peebles, and whose maiden name was
Belle Leney. VEHDI'S grandfather,
who was out in the '15 as a Jacobite
and took refuge as an exile in Italy,
was a certain Mclverdy, which was
abbreviated in the next generation to
the name associated with so many
masterpieces of the lyric stage.
MASCAUXI, the composer of "Cavall-
eria Rusticana," had for his great-grand-
father a native of Drumnadrochit, who
rejoiced in the patronymic of MacSandy.
He emigrated to Florence to spread the
cult of the bagpipes and soon adapted
his surname to the euphonious form
with which we are now familiar.
.M \S<-A<;M'S great rival, LEONCAVALLO,
is, if not a pure Scotchman, at any
rate a Scotch derivative. His fat1
sturdy denizen of the Tro^ach-i. who
would be astonished could he but know
of his son's musical genius, for he wa-. ;it
his best but a poor performer upon the
pipes, was a prosperous crofter named
Steed — Donald Steed. Greatly addicted
to BBAXSPBAHB, and especially Mnclx-th,
Ins favourite saying was, " Lay on, Mac-
duff " — so much so that his friends
3ame to speak of him as " Lay on "
Steed. When, later, his son moved on
;o Italy, in the inveterate Scotch way
of getting farther and farther away
from the native heath, he retained the
iffectionate and humorous preface by
which the old man had been known',
jut gave the " Steed " its Italian equi-
•alent — thus producing Leoncavallo, an
nteresting example of the evolution of
nom de pays.
merely a condensed form of the Chris-
tian name and first syllable of the sur-
name of his father, Peter Archibald, •
soldier of fortune win. first saw
the light ut Inverness.
Among modern Italian writers v-
land also holds her own. Sigimr n'Av
XI-NXIO, before he emigrated to Italv.
was a young Aberdoniaii named I>
McTavish, famous for a thousand fire-
j brand tricks. Indeed, so great was
; his fame that ho was known as Dan
Nonesuch, and, on arriving in the new
land of his adoption, he quickly Italian-
i/cd this nickname into the \\oild-wi.lr
style which we all know— D'Axxi
The list might l»e indefinitely ex-
lended, but we may content ourselves
by observing that itnly is not alone in
I her indebtedness to Scotland. The
mime of the great Trojan hero, HECTOR,
clearK points to a Caledonian ancestor,
and the imitation of Edinburgh which
is furnished by the Acropolis leaps to
the eye of even- intelligent tourist.
A Snub for Posterity.
Extract from a letter signed " Nation-
It seems that two of the greatest
talian poets were also of Scots extrac-
ion, DANTE being a descendant of a
ndee jute merchant named Alec
Gair, which on his becoming a resident
in Florence was soon Italianized into'
ALIGHIKHI; while PBTBABCBI name is of Irishmen and Irishwomen.
The Irish Time* :—
eligible Irishman who emigrate!.
470
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[DECEMBER 8, 1915.
Hospital Orderly (to inmate on " cliicken diet"). "CHANGE FOR YOU TO-DAY, MATE. Youn CHICKEN AIN'T BABBIT — IT'S FISH."
THE CONVEESATION BOOK.
I 'AYE a conversation book ; I brought it out from 'ome,
It tells the French for knife an' fork an' likewise brush an'
comb;
It learns you 'ow to ast the time, the names of all the
stars,
An' 'ow to order hoysters an' 'ow to buy cigars.
But there ain't no shops to shop in', there ain't no grand
hotels,
When you spend your days in dugouts doin' 'olesale trade
in shells ;
It 's nice to know the proper talk for theatres an' such —
But when it conies to talkin', why, it doesn't 'elp you
much.
There 's all them friendly kind o' things you 'd naturally
say
When you meet a feller casual-like an' pass the time o'
day —
Them little things as breaks the ice an' kind o' clears the
air,
Which, when you turn the phrase book up, why, them
things isn't there !
I met a chap the other day a-roostin' in a trench,
'Ei didn't know a word of ours nor me a word o' French ;
An' 'ow it was we managed, well, I cannot understand,
But I never used the phrase book, though I 'ad it in my
'and.
I winked at 'im to start with ; 'e grinned from ear to ear ;
An' 'e says " Tipperary " an' I says " Sooveneer " ;
'E 'ad my only Woodbine, I 'ad 'is thin cigar,
Wrhich set the ball a-rollin', an' so — well, there you are!
I showed 'im next my wife an' kids, 'e up an' showed me 'is,
Them little funny Frenchy kids with 'air all in a frizz ;
" Annette," 'e says, " Louise," 'e says, an' 'is tears begun
to fall ;
We was comrades when we parted, but we 'd 'ardly spoke
at all.
'E 'd 'ave kissed me if I 'd let 'im, we 'ad never met before,
An' I 've never seen the beggar since, for that 's the way o'
war ;
An', though we scarcely spoke a word, I wonder just the
same
If 'e '11 ever see them kids of 'is . .1 never ast 'is name !
Another Impending Apology.
" It is worth nothing that Messrs. S. Pearson and Sons have lent
three of their directors to the Ministry of Munitions."
Daily Chronicle.
" WANTED for East Coast, Curate. One not afraid of occasional
bombardments. Apply Vicar." — Church Times.
" Why not install a canon ? " asks the parson who sends
us the cutting. But perhaps so high a dignitary would not
pay sufficient attention to the Vicar's maxims.
"Outside, a pair of soldiers were playing shuttledorc and battle-
cock." — Hereford Times.
A new game for the "Bantams," presumably.
From a description of a Budget Night at Westminster : —
" Some two thousand peers and diplomatists looked down from
their respective galleries upon an animated scene, their black coats
and white waistcoats, dotted with bald heads, and sprinkled with khaki
uniforms." — Waiigamti Chronicle, N.Z.
This remarkable scene seems to have been overlooked by
our TOBY, M.P.
AN UNAUTHORISED FLIRTATION.
TOE KAISER (to AUSTBUS EUPEKOR). "FEANZ1 FRANZ I I'M SURPRISED AND PAINED."
!>,:, ,:M,,,:U H, 1915.] PUNCH. Oil TIIK L«l.\l»lN < '! I A K I V A III.
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
( KxTHAc-rr.il ruoM Tin: DIAV.V ot TDIIV, M.I'.i
of C(i/iiiii:ni.\. Tuesday, N
full !-even hours long, was n< r arise*
for high purpose to which it was ii.
voted. Standing ' ' thut, !i;
with specially <
ln'i- .'{()//(. Such a stonn in a b
HOMB BBCBETABY, under miupprenen- eleven o'clock, .\c-c-cmi n^1,.
Tin'
sion, made inaccurate allegation a:
I'iiin'x. Wrole immediiilely to that
:• admitting his mistake and apolo-
There, it might seem, matter
raise. I hy MOM,
journ ;•• M as •• .\djoii>
Ncm:>. Si \
in
r the
taking his seat as Member for Merth\
gwing
would end. '('hose who anticipated cheered from hoth sides. His vie' Thurtday. I
such ordinary commonplace result regard.- ' ig<; from mi- iaract<>ri>itich of a nation
don't know their Thni'-i. Here was quarter at whatever cost to carry on survive through the age*. More than
opportunity for not only damaging a War to predestined end.
Minister but of securing bold
advertisement far beyond possi-
bilities of posters on the wall
or displayed announcements in
columns of contemporaries.
Tiiiien accordingly daily ham-
mered away at HOME SECRETARY,
accusing him not only of malver-
sation of fact but of disingenuous-
ness and dishonesty in attempts
to exonerate himself.
In such circumstances HOME
SECRETARY'S best friend might
have whispered in his ear MEL-
BOURNE'S famous inquiry, " Why
>can't you leave it alone?" If
advice given certainly not ac-
cepted. Questions over, HOME
SECRETARY interposed with re-
joinder that occupied more than
a full hour's delivery.
Indiscretion contagious. Lord
ROBERT CECIL interposed to " say
a word about my own position."
Impetuous MARKHAM created di-
version by dragging on the scene
MASTERMAN, of whom no one
was thinking. DALZIEL told in-
teresting little story as to how
HOME SECRETARY, meeting a
private Member in luncheon
room on day fateful question was
raised, concocted a little plot.
JONES (of Merthyr), the private
Member referred to, declared there
wasn't a word of truth in the narrative.
"Dear me," said the MEMBER FOR
SARK, looking up at clock pointing to
hour at which adjournment must
necessarily take place, "haven't I
heard something about the country
being engaged in greatest war ever
waged since battles began ? Isn't there
something said about Serbia being
wiped out under feet of Germany as
was Belgium a year ago? Isn't there
fighting in Flanders, peril in the
East, decimation of dauntless heroes at
the Dardanelles? What's this in to-
day's Koll of Honour — killed and
wounded 36 officers and 968 men?
And here's the House of Commons
spending a whole sitting in wrangling
OUT personal questions."
As matter of fact the whole sitting.
"MKKTHYU WILL IN."
MB G ROBERTS ASD MB. EDGAR Josr.s INHIOMCK
BIG 'ex— MR. C. B. STASTOS FOR MKUTHYU.
uiy ago i into
]HH'try, wrote: —
In mitten of commerce the bull ••(
: Mltl-ll
1» giving .nd taking loo
nit:
In courgc of iin|H Ht. ml debute
< n export of itral
countries, a topic that attracted
audienceof twenty-nine Members,
shown to-day that Holland n
taking far too much in the wuy
of linseed-oil and giving extremely
little in •- pl.mation as
to what eventually l>ecomcs of it.
In first nine months of present t
year excess of export to Holland
omaimilar periods before tin- War
amounts to -J'J.OOO tons. Shrewd
suspicion that, in breach of inter-
national law. thin surplus is re-
exported to (lei-many, where it is
found equal to supply starving
population with material for
•2,000 tons of margarine a week.
Biiti.AM) threw fresh light on
problem of continuance of War.
"If," he said, shaking as one
having authority, " we could
vent Germany from importing oil
and fat the War would be over in
months."
done. — A few small
Hills advanced a stage. Got
away homo just before ten
o'clock.
Wednesday. — PRIME MINISTER al-
ways at his best amid fusillade of quc«-
tions, some pertinent, others imperti-
nent His " Wait and see " has become
a classic, useful to minor humorists in
the magazines or at parish meetings.
His assurance that a certain matter
brought to his notice is receiving his
most careful consideration wards off a
multitude of inconvenient inquiries.
To-day struck out a new phrase.
Pressed to say whether if Parliament
be adjourned" before result of Lord
DERBY'S Kecruiting Scheme is an-
nounced it will forthwith be summoned
to consider the situation
scheme is submitted.
PupiU are Cheap To-day.
••ri:nviT. S<h«.l (or Sul.- ; 00 pupil-: all
included, £-K>."—ltinntnyluiin Itai;j/ Mail.
•• \\'e know of tli«-atr<-s win-no, in spit.
,-.- .lft.TII<>"
iriK. it ".i* .. physical impossibility to pack
anchor ix-ixja int.> t' ••• li.mso— and a good
i »
main w.-n- park.-.l,
'Jlie liiotcnpr-
They were filmed first, we suppose.
•• Homo Govcnnnci • linglhcad-
visibility of a forged lo.in."
remarked, "than if and when the
occasion contemplated by the Hon.
Jamaica Daily Chronicle.
when the It is supposed that this startling and
quite untruthful announcement was
he gravely
due to a misreading of the report that
as Chancellor of the Exchequer Mr.
Me KI.NNA wa-i " forging ahead."
474
PUNCH, OR TIIM LONDON CHARIVARI.
:U S,
, I ^
' •
PRUSSIANISED HISTORY OF ENGLAND.
SEQUEL TO A WELL-KNOWN STOKY ABOUT KINO ALFRED.
THE LUCK OF THE LIGHTHOUSE.
Crossley is an old friend of mine—
we were at the same public school,
where he went by the name of " Kinks "
— but we hardly ever meet without
argufying. Ho is quite sound about
the War, the need of crushing Prus-
sian militarism and so forth, but he
lias an unpleasant way of discount-
ing all claims on behalf of tho Allies
to a greater humanity in the conduct
of the War. His favourite phrase is
" Six of one and half-a-dozen of tho
other." When I met him at the club
last week his candour was at high-
water mark. When 1 quoted the latest
instance of German frigfetfohieas, be
at once retorted, " Well, what about
Louis XIV. ?
" Louis XIV.," I cautiously replied,
" nourished some two hundred and iil'ty
years ago. But be wasn't called the
'Grand Monarque' for nothing."
" Oh, indeed, ' said Crossley. "Per-
haps you are not aware that he waged
war with the utmost barbarity against
the Dutch, the Austrian*, and the
Prussians? "
Now a knowledge of the campaigns
of Louis XIV. is not my strong point,
I but by a pure piece of good luck I had
a stone in my sling which I discharged
with great promptitude. Only a few
days before I had been looking at the
plates in 'rtinirr'x /Vr//nvs</»<' Y\ewS <\i
the Southern Coast, and hail copied out
a passage from the letterpress accom-
panying TUKNKK'S wonderful picture of
tho Eddystone Lighthouse. " Did you
ever hear the story of Louis XIV. and
the Kddystone Lighthouse'.'" I asked.
"No," said Crossley rudely, "nor\et
the story of WILLIAM THE CoNQtTKBOB
and the Crystal Palace; and 1 don'! sec
what on earth it has to do with the
question."
" You don't? Very well then." And
I produced and read my extract, which
runs as follows : —
"While the second Kddystone Light-
house was being erected under Mr.
Hudyard's superintendence, a circum-
stance took place which may he I bought
to possess an interest that will justify
its insertion on the authority of Mr.
Smeaton. Louis XIV. being at war
with England during the erection of this
building, a French privateer took the
men at work upon the Kddy stone Rock,
together with their tools, and curried
tin-in to France, when the Captain ex-
pected a reward for bis achievement.,
While the captives lay in prison, the
transaction reached the ears of the
1'Vench Monarch, who immediately
ordered them to be released and the
captors to be put in their places, de-
claring that, though he was at war with
Kngland, he was not so with mankind.
He therefore directed the men to be
sent back to their work with presents,
observing that the Eddystono Light-
house was so situated as to be of equal
use (o all nations."
"(iood egg," observed Crossley, "or
at least a good egg in parts."
Commercial Candour.
's DICLICIOVS HAM AND TOXGUJB.
None like it in I iBJoestet."
Lciceslt'i- Dtiiltj Mail.
••KASTERN THKATKK.
Si incus GERMAN REVERSE.
,, ,
( inn-lilt's I'l'iinij Mail (Soutli Africa).
The printer rose to the occasion.
" Mr. IJHIK will move the second reading of
tho t'.ovenimeiit's Bill to stop increases of
rent in the House of Commons."
Daily News.
In self-defence, we suppose, since the
present Parliament proposes to occupy
the premises for a longer period than
was originally intended.
DKCKM..KU 8, 1915.] PUNCH, Oil TIIK LONDON < 1 1 A II I \ A Ul.
THE IMMINENT PROBLEM.
I SIH'T 11)) till- catalogue llOpel
and pill it on the tnhle.
" A- lor mi'," J said firmly, " I h*V6
decided about my Christmas )jie~enls;
11 ^i\ •(• everybody |>ui i ios."
" You cuii'i," said Harbara; " rciiiem-
Ijor what, Aunl. Alicia s:iid when she
sent us the second-hand l.ihK ,
'Jt's lint tho ^'it't, it is tlio spirit be-
hind it.' "
I frowned.
"If your Aunt; Alicia know the spirit
behind the collee-macbine she got fiom
mo last year —
]5ut Batbara cut me short.
"Your besetting sin," sbe said, " is
la/iness. What you ought to do is to
find out people's taste-i— and tlien the
whole tiling is perfectly simple."
"Putting that into practice," I re-
joined rather bitterly, "what do you
consider are the tastes of my nephew,
Kichard Edward Keith?"
"Poor little mite!" said Barbara.
"Why, he's only eleven months old."
" For all that," I said, " his tastes
may be very pronounced, for all you
know . 1'iibs, for instance, may be like
the collars I have seen advertised,
which explain the wearer. 'The bib
which proclaims the business baby,'
or ' Smart gent's bib for the babe about
town.' "
Barbara sighed.
" Children are certainly difficult,"
she said.
"Then," I went on, "there is Joan,
who I admit is getting on and will
never see five again ; but she doesn't
seem to have developed any tastes."
" Dolls," murmured Barbara.
"Joan already has twenty-seven," I
answered. " Of course, if you like to en-
courage large families amongst women
without independent means "
" Don't bo ridiculous," said Barbara.
" Well, there you are ! " I returned.
"Put your theory into practice, and
where are we? "
" I wasn't talking about babies," said
Barbara.
"Considering," I answered, "that
Christmas is a show run entirely for
babies of all ages, I don't consider that
you have the root of the matter in
you."
" Well," sbe said, " adults can have
their tastes studied, anyway."
" Doyoti think, Barbara," I remarked
sternly, " that I am going to spend
December going round like a private
detective, spying on the little peculiari-
ties of my 'friends? 'The innocent
conceits that like a needless eye-glass
or black patch give those who wear
them harmless happiness.' Do you
know \vlio wrote that, Barbara?"
Hosier (displaying lateil invention in collar-pint). "Keen COLLA* A*D TI« is FEMTBCT
REFOSX, SlB. IT M IK ESSENTIAL TO IMABTHEM OF APPKABAJIOB M TM TBS
ELIOT," said Barbara
promptly.
"Bother," I said; "I thought ]
could plough you on that one ; and it
isn't very helpful either, unless I give
Kicbard a monocle and Joan a powder-
puff."
" If Providence was really provident,"
began Barbara slowly, " babies would
be labelled when they arrive."
" You mean," I said, " that it would
appear in The Times: 'The wjfe of
Marmaduke George Bone of a stock-
broker.' "
" Something like that," sbe said.
"Or," I went on eagerly, 'Of twins
— a married woman and a fine church-
warden.' My dear Barbara, what a
splendid idea 1 "
"Of course." said Barbara, "if it
turned out that it was going to be a
burglar or something
I waved the objection aside.
"Oh," I said, "one would have to
have a conventional phrase for that.
People like tho KAIHKR. for instance,
would just got: 'The wife of F.
Hobenzollcrn, Esq.. of a great, great
grief.' You see that would cover any-
thing in the nature of a failure.
"And it would simplify Christmas
amazingly," I added. " white spats for
financiers, dolls' bouses for married
women, and some assorted women's
movements for babies that were going
to grow up into spinsters."
But meanwhile I don't know what to
give either to Richard or to Joan.
470
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[DECEMBER 8, 1915.
AT THE FRONT.
Wio nve enjoying a rest.
There can be no doubt about this,
because we have been told \ve are, on
very high authority.
When the British soldier has been
into trenches and out again, with an
occasional battle to break the monotony,
for a period of fifteen months he always
got s a rest.
To a rest two items are indispen-
sable : —
1. Mud.
2. A nine-hours' day.
Only a few days ago \vo did not know
this. When they told us •we were
going to be rested, though we did not
believe it for a moment, we imagined
that rest consisted in long hours of
sleep, warm comfortable billets, per-
haps a dinner or a matinee now and
again, and a few bright, brief and
brotherly parades.
Then we were sentenced to rest. We
marched deliberately out of a civilized
town to a soggy malodorous marsh,
where some war-weary A.S.C. driver
had got tired of the tents ho was
carrying, and dropped them disgustedly
into a couple of feet of mud, hoping no
one would notice.
But no, the eagle eye of some red-
spangled controller of our destinies
spotted the jettison and said, " It 's a
rest camp ! "
And that is how we came to be where
we are.
There are no temptations. The mud
is not deep enough to drown oneself,
and no good soldier ever uses his rifle
or side-arm to commit suicide with.
For two days we lay in a condition
of bleak and comatose resignation,
while our complaints passed through
the usual official channels to the usual
official terminus. (Wicker, 2s. G!,d.)
On the third day we received our
programme. It provided for nine hours'
military training per diem — with inter-
vals for meals ; for there was this
generosity in their justice — we were
not required to do the nine hours
straight off. This routine began at day-
light and ended at dusk.
In case any slacker should be cast
down by this prospect, the very Exalted
and B3nevolent Person who had planned
the Eest visited us and assured us that
this was to be a complete vacation ;
that the men were to be encouraged to
play football and hold sing-songs after
afternoon parade. Singing and football,
it appeared, would keep the men
thoroughly cheerful. The idea was, of
course, quite new to us. Wo asked
him how many hours after dusk he
would like the men to sing for; and
when he had gone away we indented
for luminous footballs. But we regret
to report that there have already been
several cases of men not singing cither
on the line of march or during the
leisurely evening hours which should
be given over to harmless revelry.
Footballs of the required type, more-
over, have as yet not been forwarded
to us.
Fortunately, however, we have nu-
merous other healthy occupations in
our copious spare time. We are kept
busy by all sorts of red-hatted explorers
whose curiosity goads them into visiting
the less wet parts of the Eest Camp,
and, after complaining that we have
allowed it to get into a disgraceful j
condition, inquiring — (a) Why we do •
not build huts? (b) What is the ration
of candles and pepper per man? (c) |
Why we do not take more care of the
men's health '? (<7) Why we mollycoddle
the men? and, lastly and most humor-
ously— (f) Whether we have any com-
plaints, and if we have why w.e have
not forwarded them to the Proper
Quarter?
It is stated, but unconfirmed, that
one of our newest subalterns met some
Commander-in-Chief or something the
other day and was asked by h'm in fie
intervals of saluting what was the ,
extent of the field-ration ; whereon he '•
replied, " Three ounces." The General j
clicked his teeth smartly and asked
the subaltern whether that was all he
knew about fuel ; and the subaltern
said that in the trenches indeed the
men got two pounds and a half and in
billets four pounds, but in this deleted
spot it wouldn't run to more than three
ounces, and you had to steal that. As
the subaltern is still uncashiered these
exchanges may not be as reported.
The men surveyed their new home on
arrival in silent bewilderment. They
received the programme without com-
ment. It took two hours' tactical
training of five units to extract from
Private Thomas, who commonly speaks
the public mind, the observation, ad-
dressed to the four winds during an
"easy": "And to think that there's
some as would spoil an 'eavenly 'oliday
like this 'ere with grousin' I "
THE WAE POEM.
THE Senior Watch-keeper sat at the
Ward Boom table busily biting a pen-
holder as he stared at a sheet of fools-
cap.
" What 's up? " asked the Paymaster.
" I 've got an idea. It 's a deuco of
an idea. Poem, you kno\v. The sort
of thing to shake people up. Buck
up recruiting. Give people to think
furiously and all that sort of thing,"
replied the scribe.
" Good on you," said No. 1. " Want
any help ? "
" Yes, you can all lend a hand. You
see the idea of it is to show the
bounders at home the unity of the
enemy and their enthusiasm for war.
How they all think alike and their
singleness of purpose. The sort of
thing that soldier Johnnie did, the
sportsman who wrote about steam-
engines and things."
"EuDYAKD KIPLING," hazarded the
"Pay."
"That's him," said the poet. "I
want lots of names of German places
so as to show people what they are
doing all over the world. How 's this
for a start —
" In Walfisch Bay I heard them say? "
"There's a real swing about that,"
said No. 1, " but it 's not German."
" What 's not German ? "
" Walfisch Bay."
" I don't see how I can alter that
line," said the poet with firmness.
"Who's to know I didn't hear
Germans talking there ? "
"How would this do for a start"-
from the " Pay " — •
" Across the bund at Swakopmund ? "
" Who knows if they have a bund ? "
objected the poet. " I must be accurate
to have any world-influence. Give us
some more good German names."
" Dar es Salaam," from No. 1.
"Eotten," said the poet. "That's
Arabic, and no decent poem could fit it
in anywhere."
"Well," said the "Pay," "here's
another start : — -
" It fills my soul with mournful wonder
That Huns still walk the Apollo Bunder."
The poet was inclined to doubt the
accuracy of this statement and also
rejected it as not within the immediate
scope of his endeavour.
"There are lots of Germans in
Shanghai," interrupted the young
Doctor, " and in Hong Kong, the
Governor "
The poet remarked with considerable
dignity that he was not starting a
Limerick competition. No doubt the
eccentricity of old gentlemen from
Peru or the levity of young ladies from
Balham might lend themselves to
humorous metrical treatment for the
amusement of callow medical students
in peace, but what lots of people didn't
yet realise was the fact that we were
at war.
I ventured to break the sticky silence
by politely asking if he thought the
poem would take him long.
" Not if silly asses don't interrupt,"
he said. " When I once get started,
it '11 come easy enough. It 's all here,"
he added, tapping his forehead. "It'll
]).:n=M»EB8. 1915.] IM \( if, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
Mr. Pessimist (c)ieering up for once). "BRITISH MESOPOTAMIA* SUCCESS."
Mrs. Pessimist. "THAT'S THE WORST OF IT. THKY MESS UP ALL THEIB succi
ba a bit soul-stirring when finished. I'll
get on with it now so as to clew it up
before turning in."
At breakfast the Corporal of Ward
Room Sen-ants asked if the piece of
paper he had just picked up from
under my chair were mine.
Thereon was written : —
In Walfisch Bay I hoard them say,
I heard them say in Walfisch Buy.
The poet had clewed up before turn-
ing in.
Great talkers these Germans.
"Mr. BBYCE feared that business would bo
strangled by the excess profits tax, as in many
cases the money to pay it would have to be
buried." — Morning Paper.
Doubtless a development of intensive
culture. The buried talent has hitherto
been considered unproductive.
" Steeplejack wanted. Top price to a really
good man." — Provincial Paper.
In this trade there is always room at
the top.
"Wanted a Greyhound, preferred black,
height 75 to 80in., male, thoroughbred.— Full
particulars to be sent to Miss , Rotterdam,
Holland."— Our Dogs.
Dutch hares had better look out when
the 6ft. Sin. greyhound lands on their
shores.
THE LAST CIIANCE.
(A Romance d la mode.)
A GCSTY rollicking wind screamed
and whistled over the long white road
that curled like a ribbon on the bare
face of the moorland, buffeting and
swaying a man and a girl who struggled
against" it. The man's eyes, hardened
to all weathers by long spells in the
trendies, swept keenly and cearchingly,
almost fearfully, over the waste, as if
lie were looking for something lie feared
was not there, some help, perhaps,
some opportunity. His uniform and
his scars showed that lie had faced his
country's enemies ; but here, on an
English moor, he was palpably a prey
to nervousness. Tension and the con-
siiousness of approaching crisis were
written in the set of his jaw and on
every line of his lean sunburnt face;
at times the blood throbbed painfully
in his temples as a gust of hopelessnc^
swept over him, a suffocating dread
that this, his last afternoon of leave,
was to be irrevocably ruined, to remain
a memory to shrink from all his days.
Had he looked at his companion he
might have seen the questioning, sym-
pathetic, perhaps pleading expression
in her eyes; but his gaze seemed
riveted on the roadside.
And then suddenly, in a little hollow
beside the road, a mere furrow in t lie
heather, he flung himself on his knee*
and looked towards her dumbly, be-
seechingly ; and she stood above him, a
slender figure, her skirts spread round
him by the wind, and the face that she
bent towards him was anxious, pitying,
almost motherly. And then with
steady hand, albeit a trembling heart,
while" she held her breath, he struck
his last match, and lit a pipe of
Benodoro tobacco; flushed and trium-
phant he rose, and she. cheeks aflame
and eyes shining with the glory of
desire satisfied, lit her Benodoro
cigarette at the glow. [Aovr.]
Commercial Candour.
A Bombay merchant advertises :—
"This butler, manufactured from the beat
cream, will utand any high temperature if kept
in a cool place."
" Certificated merchant captain* and officer*
should not enlist having regard to the para-
mount importance of maintaining Bntiith
sii>ping."— Olatgoui Herald.
A nasty one for Lord D'ABEBSON.
"Tho Germans [in Ea§t Africa] were in
possession of bcliographic plant which they
used both day and night."
Sfanthrstfr Guardian.
As the Irish emigrant said of England :
" The sun shines always there."
478
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[DECEMBER 8, 1915.
CONSTABULARY TACT.
WE emerge from the police-station
and fall into step together as we start
our beat.
" I can't spare time to go to the
police court this week," says my com-
rade.
"Nor I; but it would he just
our luck if something turned up to-
night."
" Well, we must be tactful."
" That 's it — courtesy and tact.
Unless there 's a murder."
We are just exchanging the Wai-
yarns of the day when a loud shouting
is heard from a side-street.
" 1 'm afraid that 's on our beat," I
murmur. " Let 's walk slowly so that
they can see us coming."
Very majestically we march down,
making as much noise as possible; but
the row made by the combatants is so
great that they don't hear us.
Let me describe the military position.
The entrance to the fort — a small house
— is guarded by a lady in mysterious
white attire armed with a saucepan.
From the fact that she has bare feet I
judge that a night alarm has turned
out the guard. The slip of garden in
front is held by a gentleman simply
attired in a pair of trousers and braces.
The temperature is about 40. The
moral temperature a little above 212.
A stout lady leads the attacking party.
The garden gate is either jammed or
locked and she is making valiant efforts
to get over the fence. Behind her a
gentleman, who combines in his attire
a frock-coat, carpet slippers, and a red
cricket cap, acts as support. A subtle
odour of beer pervades the air.
" Now then — now then — what 's all
this?" we say genially but firmly.
The stout lady tumbles back from
the fence.
" She called my son a German
swine," she says, pointing an accusing
finger at the lady in white, " and 'im
been twice wounded and once gassed."
One felt that the lady in white lacked
discrimination in abuse.
" I called 'er a German swine," pro-
tests the lady in white.
" We got evidence ter prove it," says
trousers plus braces.
" You - called - my - son - a - German-
swine," says Frock Coat with tre-
mendous emphasis. " I 'm a Briton, I
am. I got British blood in me, and
when a man stands on my feet I let
'irn 'ave it."
" "Er," says the stout lady — " I '11
push her face in, I will."
She makes another effort to scale
the fence.
" I 've got evidence ter prove that she
called my son a German swine," says
Frock Coat, tapping me confidentially
on the shoulder.
" 'Oo stole the rent-book ? " says the
lady in white, suddenly changing the
subject.
The stout lady, driven to fury by this
remark, tries to flop over the fence.
The moment for tact has arrived. I
take her and Frock Coat by the arms.
" I can't hear what you say because of
the wretched noise those people make.
Come up the street and tell me all
about it."
I walk up the street gripping the
stout lady firmly, for I feel that she is
the dangerous explosive.
"Now, Mother," I say, when she is
at the corner, " why should a respect-
able lady like you lower herself to
speak to a woman like that '? "
"All, you're a gentleman, you are.
You see 'er in 'er true colours at once."
She begins" a lurid biography of the
lady in white — who ought, I feel, to
have been dressed in red. Frock Coat
taps me 011 the shoulders after each
statement and says, " I got evidence ter
prove it."
" We was talking it over in bed,"
says the stout lady, " and it come over
me that I must get up and tell 'er what
she was. Calling a wounded 'ero a
German swine ! "
"We got evidence ter prove it," per-
sists Frock Coat.
" Well, Mother, suppose you go back
to bed. If you touch that woman and
she gives you in charge, I '11 have to
run you in. Now it would pain me
awfully to run in a lady like you."
" I 'm a Briton," says Frock Coat.
" I got a Briton's feelings and evi-
dence."
" And a weak ches'," says the stout
lady.
I jump at the point. " Out on a
cold night like this. What will you
say to your brave .son, Ma, if his
father gets pneumonia ?"
"Albert, go in at once," orders the
stout lady.
The stout lady pauses on the door-
step. " To-morrer, I '11 go round and tell
'er jus' what you said about 'er, an'
smash 'er bloomin' winders."
I wait for my colleague. He comes
up radiating tact.
" What did you do with the others? "
" Oh, told them not to get mixed up
with a low lot like that. Now they 're
safe in bed."
" The other lady 's going round to
smash their windows to-morrow."
"That's all right," says my unscru-
pulous colleague. " We're not on duty
then. Wonderful what a bit of tact
does."
We pace the darkened streets medi-
tating on the advantages of tact.
"PI."
(An Indian Dog.)
UP in the hills, some seasons ago,
A half-caste dog-thief had me on show ;
And you 'd never suspect, to see me now,
That I went those days by the name
of "Chow";
Irish and Airedale and more am I,
But mostly bazaar-dog — call it "pi."
Black of coat with a vest of white
And nothing about me approaching
right,
An Irish head and a curling tail,
And legs that haven't been drawn to
scale ;
So I was when the man came by
And, knowing his business, bought
this pi.
I 'm not very clever ; I do no tricks ;
I sleep and swallow enough for six ;
And when we go out on the hunt for
jack
I 'm always in at the tail of the pack ;
But I 've still got teeth for him who 'd
try
To burgle the house in charge of the pi.
English dogs, six months in the year.
Look at me sniffing and say, "What's
here? "
But my reply to each lordly pup
Is " Patience, my lad, till the days
heat up."
Then short is their breath and glazed
their eye,
But I 'm quite happy — for I 'm a pi.
When your terrier 's down with a score
of ills
And retriever and spaniel must off to
the Hills,
When the Memsahib 's gone and the
punkahs play
And the nights are longer and worse
than day,
Into my kingdom then come I,
And Master says, " Thank God for
the pi."
We boast no morals, we claim no birth,
And our figures are often a source of
mirth ;
But we 're always cheery, we don't go
wrong,
We '11 love you kindly and love you
long ;
And you '11 find out here that it 's best
to buy
The dog of the country — and that 's
the pi.
1 ' Charming old Smuggler's Cottage, modern-
ised (Kent) ; suit officer's wife."
Morning Paper.
But if we are to gather that the fasci-
nating owner goes with the premises
the officer, especially if he is a Custom
House Officer, might have other views.
A PROMISING TRENCH FIGHTER
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)
OBVIOUSLY at this time there is very little new to be said
about so established a classic as Sir SIDNEY LEE'S Life of
Shakespeare. One can but give it the salute to which its
rank and record entitle it. The occasion of the salute is
its reappearance, revised and enlarged by the author, and
equipped by Messrs. SMITH, ELDER in the attractive bravery
of reset type. Since the first edition appeared in November,
98, Shakespearean research has been both active and
fruitful ; the resulting fresh knowledge, gained by Sir SIDNEY
himself or by the fellow-workers to whom his Preface
pays tribute, has been embodied in the present volume.
Especially is this the case with the documents that eluci- 1
date the stage-history of the Elizabethan era. There is
also a fund of highly interesting information derived by
the author while the volume was in course of preparation
from the archives at Stratford and from the wills at
Somerset House of SHAKESPEARE'S Stratford friends. An
examination of them seems one of the things that one is
astonished to hear no one else had previously thought of;
doing. Anyhow, here are the results, adding greatly to
the value of a book of which the publishers state their
belief that it " makes a direct personal appeal at this period
of British history to every reader of British nationality."
And so say all of us ! Presumptuous as it may appear to '
question the annexation policy of the official poetry depart- 1
ment at Berlin, the undeniable fact remains that, in spite !
of all posthumous temptations, the author of Henry V. \
remains an Englishman. So Sir SIDNEY LEE', reminder
of this comes, especially at the season of book-buying for
C/nristmas, at a timely hour.
Through a long cheerful life Lord REDEBDALE has kn..wn
more of men and cities than did I i H0 lias studied
both with keen eyes, and is happily gifted with a picturesque
style that presents his recollections in vivid form. He is old
enough to have seen Louis PHII.IH-K strolling along the
terrace of the Tuilleries. He knew Countess CASTIOI.IONK
whose vaporous dnipery. displayed at a ball at the Tuilleries.
shocked the EMPKKSS Krm.xiu. He saw the funeral |.n,
cession of the Duke of WELLINOTOX and the fight between
HI:KNAN and SAYEIIS. He was at Eton in HAWTIIEY'H time
and at Oxford in PUSEY'S. He shot four buffaloes in the
Fur West and played the cornet at the HASMKL Festival.
He was an intimate friend of KINO Himviu, VII., to whose
memory he devotes an illuminating chapter. He knew
Ann Ki, K.IKBKH, the famous Arab chief who fought France
for years. He was intimate with RICHABD BUBTON and looked
in upon BRIOHAM YOUNO at Salt Lake City. One of the most
charming of his personal recollections recalls a visit to GARI-
BALDI at Capri. In a brief sentence he strikes the keynote
of the Liberator's character: "Simplicity combined with
great dignity 1 1,- was on intimate terms with WHISTLER,
CUU.YLE, ROSSETTI, FREDERICK LEIOHTON, DISRAELI, Lord
HKNHY LF.NNOX, Lord \\t>].-} I.KY and Lord RANDOLPH
Curi!< HIM.. Here is a marvellous, perhaps unique, portrait
gallon-. Hound it linger vivid Memories, which Messrs.
HUTCHISSON publish in two portly volumes. Temptation to
480
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[DECEMBER 8, 1915.
quote is hard to resist, but space in Mr. Punch's Booking
Office is limited. One quotation appreciated by the Young
Men seated to-day round the Old Mahogany Tree, under
whose shade F. C. B. for many years presided, must be given.
Writing of schoolmates at Eton Lord KEDESDALE says : " I
must mention Sir FRANCIS BURNAND, who for so many years
led the merriment of the nation. Did I talk of memories'?
Here at least is no memory, but a Happy Thought, for
he still lives as gay, as bright, as laughter-loving and
laughter-compelling as when he was a Fourth Form Boy.
He remains the real Peter Pan, the hoy who will never
grow old." Of his many lifelike portraits the most attrac-
tive is that of the author himself. Undesignedly he makes
the reader acquainted with a light-hearted, straightforward,
resourceful man with a keen sense of humour. Of his
genial nature it suffices to say that, dealing with a multitude
of men over the space of 796 pages, he sharply criticises
only two. They are wider than Poles asunder.
Lord JOHN RUSSELL ; the other— OSCAR WILDE.
One was
Mr. JEFFREY FARNOL, deserting the present age, from
which he has already extracted \
so many best-sellers, has now
turned his attention to the
fruitful fields of historical
romance. The accuracy of the
history of Beltane the Smith
(SAMPSON Low) is a matter
that need not detain us ; as for
the romance Mr. FARNOL'S
countless admirers will not
need to be told that this is laid
on with no niggardly hand.
There are fights and escapes,
tortures and love-making to
satisfy the most exacting ;
everything in short that the
public demands from its
costume - fiction Mr. FARNOL
sees that it gets in good
measure. Even the chapter-
headings begin with that
delightful adverb " How,"
while away a dull evening. In the matter of books of
reminiscences I am a little exacting. It is seldom that the
power of the human " I " is able to hold me. I turn away
and browse on fiction. But in Mr. CAPPER'S bulky volume
there is an unaffected gaiety which made me feel, when I
came to the last page, as if I had been turned out of a cosy
club on a winter night after listening to the discursive
conversation of a man with a pleasant voice, a wide experi-
ence of men and cities, and a kesn sense of humour. In his
capacity of Thought-reader Extraordinary to the civilised
world, Mr. CAPPER has been everywhere, met everybody,
and seen everything; and the cream of his memories is
contained in this book. Both as an entertainer and as a
collector of things worth remembering he has had unique
advantages, for his is a performance which appeals to
every class and nationality ; and we have his word for it
that he was just as big a success among the Tamil coolies
as at Marlborough House. Naturally, thirty years of this
sort of thing put a man in an excellent position as a
raconteur. These are hard times, when ten-and-sixpence
is ten-and-sixpence, but I think I can conscientiously
recommend the investment of
that sum in Mr. CAPPER.
A TEMPORARY LAPSE.
Distressed Pessimist. " IT'S ODD — VERY ODD ! BUT SOMEHOW,
JUST AFTER DINNER I NEVER CAN GET MYSELF TO FEEL AS
] THOUGH THE GERMANS WOULD WIN."
pleasant trick that has thrilled me since I first met with little shilling volume entitled,
it in Windsor Castle. I need not conduct you through ' MARSHALL & Co.), and I have found them as excellent in
In a world of flux and
uncertainty it is good to be
able to count on something;
more particularly as in Lon-
don, in the month of Decem-
ber, one assuredly cannot count
upon the rising of the sun.
But that " C. E. B." will have
a copy of verses in The Even inij
Neirs is beyond question.
Come rain, come shine, there
is his punctual Muse, always
alert, always pointed, always
ingenious and urbane. Such
of the verses by " C. E. B."
(who is also, be it known,
"Touchstone" in The Da Hi/
Mail) as bear upon the Wai-
he has now collected in a
Fife and Drum (SiMPKiN,
all the tale of Beltane s adventures. There 's lots and lots
of it ; beginning with " How Beltane lived within the Green-
wood" (mark me that word "Greenwood!") and ending
with "How they came to Pentavalar City," and "in the
their re-reading as when I conned them first. May their
author long continue to be one of the marvels of his age !
The Catalogue of Christmas Books, which has been issued
moonlit dusk she gave her lips to his." " But of course ; co-operatively by the Publishers' Association of Great
beforethishappenedtherewasthevillain.arightcaitiffvarlet'Britain and Ireland, is designed to help the public to a
named Pertolepe the Bed, to be overcome in fair fight, then choice of books of the year or of the season and to remind
spared with that super-sportsmanship that always sways | them of the best standard works. Booksellers, especially
the hero in the early chapters of books of this sort, then in the country, have long been in nee 1 of a representative
to gain, as villains will, a temporary but terrific ascendency catalogue of saleable books, and here they have it in a most
and finally— but I must not discount the satisfaction of | seductive form, admirably arranged and delightfully illus-
that finally. In short a pleasant yarn of its not very un- trated. It is to be supplied to the retail trade at a small
familiar kind ; and if at times you feel that its wanderings fraction of its actual cost for free distribution to the public ;
have not taken you further from Wardour Street than, so nobody has any excuse left for not buying the best books
say, Soho Square, this but giveth a heartening sense of
security to the timorous. Beshrew me ! Master FARXOL,
but so jocund a screed should be a-printing from now till
Candlemas. Marry come up !
I have not the pleasure of Mr. ALFRED CAPPER'S
acquaintance, but, after reading his A Rambler's Recollec-
tions ami Be/lections (ALLEN AND UNWIN), I wish I had ;
for the impression I get from that book is that he is an
that are to be had.
Commercial Modesty.
From a brewer's advertisement: —
" No order for less than one dozen bottles can b3 accepted. It will
therefore be necessary for our Half-Pozen Customers to forward their
instructions each fortnight." — Birmingham Daily Mail.
HALF-HOUR'S GRACE FOR DRINKS WITH MEALS."
Morning Paper.
extremely good sort and just the man to have by one to . This seems rather long for grace — even with drinks !
DBOEMBBB 15, 1918. PUNCH, OR T1IK LONDON • IIAIMVAKI.
CHAR1VARIA.
to blame for it.
taken to eating iv.nd'-er, ami .
So great was the anxiety in Berlin consignment of i',. IKK) animals hag been
to hear the ( 'n \sn.l. I. oit's speech I hat slaii^lit,-ie.| in S
public, galleries of the the Baltic. It \\lll lie I:
Keichstag were at ;i premium. At
Westminster, on the contrary, the pub-
lic will not listen to pe;i"e :ii any prire.
I'm siiiKsr WILSON'S Message to cidinj,' whether a colliery pumpman
•in recall* a (aiuoM crow-
at a premium. At Clans to raise a te im for Ins sleigh.
il._ 1 il l_ 1 £ £
Three Justices of the K
one day last week in de-
and liis ;
frey had a |>»-' in :
a* Tommy's |iru\.-.
I K l .si m . > i vv ujoisii D -uu^nnyo wj » MUM;; wuubiiui ii uiMiifi y puiiifjiiinii «»* »>»•» i < i
Congress, in its denunciation of traitors rightly convicted ol aiding and abetting I' i linn;:
in the I'nite I Slates and its avoidance ! a vendor of refreshment* in breaking the V.
of names (dcrman or other), remind-, the Sunday < >h-ervance Art, pa-si- I in and bring liini
one of the Porthsliire Highlander who I lie rei-»n of KIM; Cn \itu;> in< YY.u < »!'
home nafi< (rmn
we have too many judges.
41 4
Answer to Correspondent: — Ye-, the
,
great DEI.ASK was only twenty-three
( H U ( H lillly-l-v.~llll^llll< iit^itiiiiMHi nuvs lillCldK11''1 i » i " • v ii\ivi<i. n itir« kJK*v.i
had had a ([iiarrel with the Duke of of pious memory, hy ptmfaaung three
ATHOI.I. ai Dunkeld. On going home pennyworth of sweetmeats. Ami yet
he nurrated his interview with his then; are parsimonious people who say
Grace in forcible and picturesque lang-
uage. " But surely," said tlio guidwife,
" ye didna say a' that taethe 1>IKK?"
"Xii, na," said the worthy, "she
only stood in ta middle
o' ta street and swore at
lairge." „ :;..
•1*
A subscriber to The A'cir-
and Market Dnii/ton
mplains of the
activities of the Censor, to
whom he attributes the
fact that all that was left
in that journal of a por-
trait-group of the officers
of a well-known regiment
was a few faint smudges.
We rather think that the
official blue pencil slipped
and what he really meant
to obliterate was a state-
ment on the same page
that "Peace can only be
permanent if the Kaiser is
removed— by Edgar Wal-
lace." Our authors ought to be spared
these incitements to assassination.
# *
Extract from a soldier's letter (for-
warded by Censor) : " They are send-
ing intoxating shells over to the ger-
mans now. i supos thats where our
rum issue is going, and then they talk
about no treating in England."
v:;
Mr. KNIGHT'S explanation of his un-
fortunate candidature in the Cleveland
Division is that, being forbidden by
the Liquor Control Board to "stand
SAMUKI,," he had to stand himself.
;'(
On learning that Marshal vox
HINDENBURG had told a newspapor-
* *
o
It is Miiiioiiifl that u national
ngii i« to be conducted
on tlr
scheme, and that it will
,
sending of a letter to evei
deemed to ho t>
This is to be followed up by
a personal canvass, con-
ducted by volunteer in-
quisitors of both vexes ;
and persons who have
made adequate sacrifices
will Iw furnished with a
badge in the form of a
IXMUI voucher. The
whole scheme will bo ox-
plained in a pamphlet en-
titled, •• Six-inl amonitien,
and how tii|iiomotethein."
man that war was suiting him "like
a seaside- trip," Grand Admiral
TIBPITZ is said to have remarked that,
for himself, war suited him like an
inland excursion.
If ourstockings are empty this Christ-
mas we shall at any rate know whoff
THIS 18 NOT AS A.S.C. MAN GUABDIXO STORE*. It IK MUll.l.Y \X
AVERAGE INFANTRYMAN WITH THE ORDINARY AI.I.OW \KCE OK CO1
ITIES, IP WE ARE TO BELIEVE THE ADVERTISKBg' ACCO1XT O
INDISPENSABLE.
when he became Editor of Tin- Tima;
mt he was not the Bov-Ki) whom the
\mericans are dispensing with.
We are tempted to wonder whether
Mr. HOOKKVKLT knew what he was
;alking about when he descrilxil the
Preadcntial message as "worthy of a
Hv/.antine logothete.' Byzantine is
the last adjective that applk
Dr. WILSON, and a logothete was not
a "word juggler," as at least one of
Mr. KOOSKVKI.T'S t-ommentators sup-
poses, hut an official who might be de-
scribed as " Secretary to the Treasury '
•'.' _ *
As a proof of tho rigours of the
Macedonian winter a correspondent at
the British Headquarters states that
A Bird of Oood Omen.
••An iiiimeiixo crow that
witiUMncd the arrival ol Lord :
Ku. 1.' in.-ratlhop«l»oocbeercd j
lint .MI'S \V»r Secretary •«
heartily M it did Mr. Deny*
> - II.M Miiii-t-T of France,
tlmi I'uili'iiriiiK tli->t the heart
of the C.twk pco|>li- i- «>tli tin- A
Munlrtal Keening .NVwt.
The State Department re(nna to an
nounco whether it hut detcnninrd to •
the ert*}uttor of Dr. VMM Sulx-r, tin- Aiwtrian
C ,n-nl ('.ciii-r.il in N- « York."
Evenbnly knows that the Austrian-
have had a lot of trouble with the
Poles, but we bad no idea that they
had abolished the Equator.
•• My (Ir.vk inforiiiant him*!! -i» -> l*rt>
,,( \ii-ti-i.ui and (M-rinan (JIIIIIHT-
Chanak (at ' i.an'l.i r.ulw.i;.
t II him that a l.itt.-rv .-I <;onn.ui 10mm.
Kim- had rccvntlv been wnt tlu-rr."
.. —
ink froze in fountain pens. Even the
Censor's pencils looked quite blue.
••• -it
Narrow guns for Narrow places.
•BuK-.- I'liiimr family m.iii-ion, dating
back tothn VHIth (Vntnrv."
,/,n,',l H',i/.-i-. N"v. ->7lh.
l'nii|iir family i ltin«
The a.lempt «,f the *K'™^ ^ X' °S|SKj .H./.-r, Dec. 4th.
L'llU J- v^iJ*"1*'
a protest against the new hqoe
one oil a. i
VOL. CXLIX.
1! U
482
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[DF.ri:Mi>.Kii 15, 1915.
CULTURE AND THE COLOSSUS.
["A giant statue of Admiral von Tirpitz, similar to Berlin's
Ilindcnburg, for nailing purposes, will shortly be erected in Wilhelms-
hafen. . . . The (irand Admiral is posing in uniform, with oilskins,
soaboots and sou'-wester . . . holding a telescope in the left hand,
while the right is reaching out for his instruments. The eyes arc
gazing into space, far away over the distant seas, where the heroes
of Germany's sea-power carry out his orders ..."
Wilhelmshafener Zeitunrj.
The Berlin Academy of Art has protested against the scheme "in
the interests of the prestige of our German Art and Knltur."]
HIGH o'er the harrbour where his squadrons ride
Collecting limpets on their leisured keels,
Snug in their dug-out, safely barred inside
From every wave that chops and wind that squeals,
Behold the effigy of TIRPITZ graven
" For nailing purposes " at WILLIAM'S Haven !
Colossal in his oilskins see him stand,
His giant trotters booted for the main ;
A telescope employs his larboard hand,
A rude sou'-wester tops his teeming brain,
And, fashioned on a supernatural scale,
His hoary whiskers creak before the gale.
Note, too, the gaze of that Tremendous Tar,
With what a searching eye he scans and scouts
The faint horizon's limits, ranging far
To get his High Sea Navy's whereabouts,
And finds the billowy prospect strangely bare
Because the High Sea Navy isn't there.
Meanwhile he stretches forth, to touch his goar,
A fist to starboard, so by wireless means
To let his views impinge upon the ear
Of any remnant of his submarines,
Bidding their brave commanders work his will,
And try to catch a few more babes to kill.
And worshippers, not waiting till he's dead,
Propose to hammer homage, fore and aft,
Into his frame, from heels to wooden head
(Brass homage for Old Brazen-Face), and graft
A wealth of pimples on the Grand Sea-Bover
With any nails that HINDENBURG leaves over.
What though the pundits of Imperial Art
Lift a protesting academic bleat ?
This is the darling of the nation's heart,
Made lovelier by the Lusitania feat ;
The people cries for nails ! let none usurp its
Eight to select the fitting meed for TIEPITZ !
O. S.
MY MOUSTACHE.
EVERY day since my papers had gone in I had had a good
look at it, morning and evening. When I inclined my head
sideways some of it really seemed quite long and bushy ;
but viewed full-face I must admit it looked somewhat
scanty. Still, although its growth was slow it was vni-
doubtedly sure. I occasionally — about 465 times a day —
ran the tips of my fingers along it, and none of it rubbed
off. I had even pulled it with tweezers, and it had not
come out. I showed it to a few chosen friends, and after
one had said that nitrate of silver was good for removing
moles, and another had observed that all the best nigger-
minstrels invariably blacked their ears, too, and I had
ultimately explained what it was, they unanimously agreed
that it could never be taken for anything but a moustache,
though in the long-clothes stage. Hence I felt that by the
time I was due to report myself for duty to my C.O. it
would not disgrace me.
And now I was actually en route for my battalion head-
quarters at Puddlecombe-on-the-Ooze. Before I had
lunched at the railway-station restaurant I had taken a
glance at myself in one of the many mirrors the establish-
ment possessed. My moustache was still there, but look-
ing a trifle wasted, I thought, and I began to wonder
whether I had moulted any of it on the way without
noticing it. However, after I had lunched (and I must own
that I did myself exceptionally well) I took a final look in
the glass, and to all appearances I was as well equipped as
the hairiest Ainu. " I shall not be ashamed of that, at
least," I said to myself as I settled down in a corner of
the carriage for my three-hours' journey to Puddlecombe.
* !',< -'.: :'.: Of # :;:
"What's that dirty mark on your lip?" roared the
Colonel suddenly as I was in the middle of explaining
to him who I was.
" That 's what puzzles me," remarked the Adjutant before
I could reply. " I asked him about it, and his answers
were suspiciously — well, to say the least of it, suspicious."
I started with surprise. I could swear that the only j
remark made to me by the Adjutant had been, " And
how are they all at home ? " However, I let that pass.
" It 's intended to be a moustache, Sir," I began.
" I don't care what it 's intended to be," snapped the
Colonel. "The question is, is it or is it not what it is? "
" Yes, Sir, it isn't — that is to say, No, Sir, it is," I stam-
mered, astounded beyond measure at the extraordinary
importance the Army apparently attached to moustaches.
" Well, it 's a precious poor one, whichever it is — or is
not, as the case may be. What 's your opinion ? " he
asked, turning to the Adjutant.
"Quite so," said the latter. "Indeed, one might say
even more so."
"Just so," said the Colonel. "Now let's get to the
bottom of this matter. Where did you get it from ? "
"I grew it," I replied in astonishment. "All by my-
self," I added, as if pleading extenuating circumstances.
" His parents did not help him with it, I can vouch for
that," observed the Adjutant pleasantly.
" What seed did you use? " asked the Colonel.
"The very best, I assure you, Sir," I answered in des-
peration, as I began dimly to wonder if there was some
War Office fertilizer I ought to have used and through
ignorance had omitted to do so.
The Colonel approached me with a magnifying-glass in
his hand. " Why, it 's skewbald! " he cried. "Someofit's
brown, some of it 's flaxen, and — bless my soul ! — some of
it 's ginger. You grew it in a pot ! Why on earth didn't
you bed it out ? "
I racked my brains for some reminiscence of the law
governing the billeting of moustaches on private individuals.
" King's Eegulations, page 993," muttered the Adjutant.
" I won't have him," raved the Colonel, resuming his
seat. " I won't have an officer that looks like a — By
the by, what 's the fellow's name? "
I was about to tell him who I was when the Adjutant
said, "Charlie Chaplin."
"Excuse me, Sir," I put in hastily, "it's nothing of the
sort. It 's —
" Do you mean to insinuate," said the Colonel angrily,
" that the Adjutant doesn't even know your name ? I
shall have you conducted to the padded mess-room, and
the M.O. shall remove your moustache, hair by hair, and
wozzle "em."
I hadn't the faintest idea what he meant, hut it sounded
dreadfully degrading. I thought of my mother and sisters,
PUNCH, ou TUB LONDON CIIAKI VAIli. !>.-, ..IIBU 10, 1915.
-
o
-
a
H
i),:r,..Mm:u ir>, 191.1] PUNCH, OR TIIK LONDON CII.MMVMLI.
Tommy (to his prisoner). "Do YOU USDKIUTAND KXOI.IMI ' ' Oeriiian. "I A LKU>LK USUKBKIIIMXU."
Tommy. "WELL, THEN, BLIMEY! YOU TBY AS' 'OP ny ASD YOU WOK'T 'AI^ BLOOMIB' WELL OOP r
and how proud they were of me. If I had only had an
aunt or a grandmother I feel almost suro I should have
thought of her too.
"Wozzle them, Sir?" I could only repeat blankly, a
horrible grinding sound coming from the direction of the
Adjutant, who was busy at a cupboard in the corner of the
room. He was obviously getting the wozzler ready.
"Wozzle "em was what I said," shouted the Colonel.
" Wozzle 'em ! WOZ-zleham Junction ! Change here for
Puddlecombe, Sir," said the Guard, putting his head in at
the window.
THE PEESS IN WAE TIME.
WE observe that a German Professor has just issued a
manifesto imploring the public not to destroy old news-
papers We have no doubt the German people will obey
the Professor; they would never have been where they are
had they not obeyed their professors. And yet— and yet
the temptation to destroy some of the German newspapci
must be very great.
The idea seems to be to use them for bedding for cattle,
and we hastened to consult our Agricultural Expert wlu
we encountered fortunately on our annual vis:
field. He gave us the following notes :-
In my opinion the thing seems all right, but it won t
very comfortable. I notice however that as the Professor
warms to his work, a wider vision opens before him, ai
suggests that papers might also ho used as fodder so that
after having fed the mind of man, they would go on t
nourish the bodies of his dumb friends, and ultimately b
" turned into steaks."
We may as well admit that, if it can lx- m.wlo to work,
along with the parallel scheme for feeding pigs on cinders
and poultry on cigar-ends, the collapse of Germany may
still be far distant. On paper the cattle may do all n«
but in practice difficulties are sure to arise. In the first
place the censorship will have to be much more strict
it is if awkward facts in the situation are not to become tl
common gossip of the shippens. There have been many
references in the German Press to a general slaughter of
stock, with a view to preserving the gram supply; tin
might easily create a panic and put a whole herd on-
feed.
Then again— especially in finishing beasts for the fi
stock markets— the most careful consideration in the
matter of diet would be necessary. I shrewdly s
that some of our own newspapers, winch have already I)
accused of helping the enemy, may find their way into tl
troughs of the Fatherland. Failing that, a da.lv ration
the Frankfurter Zeitung might be recommended, wit
'courses of Vonctirts at intervals as a sedative. But f
thin" more stimulating would be needed in the later B<
the Berliner Tageblatt perhaps. As a final d<
could possibly be better than a bale of the HAISKII B tele
Drains to Tiso. These would have to bo taken with a b]
of Attic salt.
The experiment will IKJ watched with interest by agncul
turists. it may be that at the < lerman Sm.thneld
!is such a thing-tho patriotic pri/e-winner of the I
will be announced as " I'IIIMK : I'.U-KR t K». And at
least it is a happy way of disposing of "2^^
which may have threatened to interfere with the
Destructive Sword.
48G
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAR1VAIM.
[DKCKMllKH i~>, 1015.
OUR "HELPFUL" SERIES.
No. V. — ECONOMY.
(. I !'(<•>• tin- xt ;ile of Mr. AKNOLV BENNETT,
at it at/iiin in " The Daily Neu-s.")
Now that I have rolled over my
opponents — in spite of their references
to my fiction — on the question of
Invisible. Imports it is clear that we
must get oil to some other topic. From
my unique correspondence I judge that
there are still some people who don't
understand the argument for war
I will therefore restate it
a moment just
economy.
and show them in
exactly how it is.
To economise is to save money.
Money is saved by doing without
things — not by adding to one's ex-
penditure.
If we all economise faith-
fully we shall not spend so
much money as we did
before.
If these facts were under-
stood there would be less
confusion in the public mind
than there is, despite the
fact that human nature is
human nature.
There are two ways of
economising — the compul-
sory and the optional ; that
is to say the forced and the
voluntary. Forced economy
may involve a good deal of
inconvenience. Voluntary
economy might have the
same effect were it not that
human nature is human
nature. (You can always
get out of it that way.)
I will now explain where
economy is reasonably to
be expected.
(«) RENT. — Nothing doing here. I
blame landlords for the state of affairs,
and I blame building societies and
mortgagees. Everyone is to blame, but
the upshot is that unless the tiling
were organised on a largo scale no
results could be expected. If we all
moved into smaller houses and the
present large houses were allowed to
stand empty for a bit, rents for big
houses would come down with a run
— and then we could all move back.
But that demands unanimity.
(b) FOOD. — Optional economies might
possibly be brought about. But I doubt
it. You see human nature is —
The waste is awful, I admit, for that
very reason. To this day all meat is
overcooked in Great Britain — every
time. To this day potatoes are allowed
to stand in cold water before being
boiled. To this day toast crusts are
cut off before it is served. To this day
and to this hour bananas are eaten
without their skins. Our ignorance
of the art of feeding is profound and
shocking. And you may be sure that
a nation capable of these grotesque
follies will never economise in food.
Why should they ? So that is no good,
(c) DRESS. — Well, we don't spend
much on clothes. All women spend
far too little, which is a grotesque folly,
profound and shocking. I am con-
vinced that there are not enough and
never have been enough new gloves in
circulation. The duty to economise
in dress is a very urgent one ; but let
us begin by trying to spend enough,
when we may hope to have some-
thing reasonable to work on in making
proper reductions. And mark you,
the spectacle of streets full of shabby
people, of ill-groomed men in taxi-cabs
Soldier. "THIS STAIRWAY DON'T SEEM TO ME TO BE MOVING VERY
FAST."
Citizen. "An, THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN USED TO DASHING
ABOUT AT THE FRONT ON THEM MOTORS AND FLYING-MACHINES."
and
No,
dowdy women at matinees
no ! It must not be.
It would
adversely affect our spirits. It would
play the deuce with our moral. Nothing
can possibly be done in this depart-
ment. (See " Helpful " Series No. FV.
— " Moral.")
(d) DOMESTIC SERVICE. — No ; it looks
attractive but it can't be done. You
can only dismiss a servant by shutting
up part of your house. And you can-
not in practice shut up part of a house.
It is sure to burst open again, as long
as human -
Any economy on these
lines is ultimately uneconomical.
(e) TRAVEL. — Great misapprehension
exists on this point. It is erroneously
supposed that money can be saved by
travelling less and travelling cheaper.
Don't you believe it. I can see no
earthly reason why those of us who
have been accustomed to travel first-
class should not continue to do so ;
nay more, I hold that those who used
to go third might well try the experi-
ment. Why not? The money is simply
transferred to the railway company, and
you may be sure that the railway com-
pany will use it to the best possible
advantage, whereas if you keep it you
are pretty certain to chuck it about in
some ridiculous manner. The same
argument applies generally. You are
quite safe in buying the best cigars, as
your tobacconist is sure to be a less
reckless spender than you are. Again,
what about motors'? We read of
pleasure-cars. No one ever spoke of a
pleasure-dog-cart. Have we forgotten
the days when people used to scorch
about the country in dog-carts ? No
one ever spoke of a pleasure- bus or a
pleasure-cab. It is pure prejudice.
Some say that we should sack our
chauffeurs, but that scorns
to me to be a fallacy. Sup-
pose it were generally at-
tempted. Suppose that Sir
EDWARD GREY drove his
own car. What should we
think of the spectacle of our
FOREIGN MINISTER down on
bis hands and knees in the
mud of Whitehall looking
for a puncture — while the
GREEK MINISTER was wait-
ing for him at his office?
I can imagine nothing more
destructive of our moral.
(f) DRINKING. — Some-
thing should be done here.
But it will not be done.
The Government seems to
have surrendered to the
miserable argument that
human nature is human
nature.
(g) DISTRACTIONS.— I see
no objection to dancing.
On the contrary a practice which
makes so directly for efficiency should
not be neglected as it is. Theatres
also are being neglected, which is a
pity, for we shall live in a horrific
void without them. But above all
more money must be spent on books.
Nothing steadies public opinion and
uplifts moral like a voracious con-
sumption of recent novels. Reduction
of expenditure must not be confounded
with true economy.
Here ends my list. The conclusions
are, I know, profoundly true. If we
all make up our minds once and for all
to economise faithfully on the drastic
lines here set forth — we can afford to
win.
A Family Likeness.
Underneath a picture of an Egyptian
monument :—
" The face of Ramses II here closely resem-
bles that of his imimmv."
"""«"'•'"'»'••••
• "i; THK i.i, M, u.\
2*=-<,^>3««k
Visitor. "HOW DELIGHTED YOU MCBT HAVE DEES WHKS VOL IIKAIIU YOUB * N IIA1. MM ,
Scotch Wife. "Q AT! I WAS PLEASED EHOUOH, BCT I WASXA BURPBIBED. HE STOOD up TO x « o-
A MANOR IN THE AIR.
THE stately homes of England have
ever numbered some very odd names.
Everyone remembers that beautiful
Southern retreat whither, to the de-
light of the wags, Mr. BALFOUB often
journeyed for his week-end holiday—
" Clouds," the seat of the WYNDHAMS.
Could there be a much more fascinating
name than " Clouds " ? And then there
is " Wrest," Lord LUCAS'S Bedfordshire
home, now transferred, how suitably,
into a hospital for soldiers. And there
is that Midland paradise which, in the
days of placid even life, the editors of
illustrated weeklies always recollected
with gratitude when they were short
of other pictures — "Compton Wyn-
yates."
But the now name which I have
just discovered, and which fills the
inward eye with joy, is a house on a
smaller scale than these — a manor-
house rather than a mansion, perhaps
one of the smallest that can be de-
scribed as a " gentleman's place," hut
assuredly that. Somewhere in Sussex,
Western Sussex.
It is not near the station, and to
.'each it you walk or drive along wind-
ng roads just now sodden with rain,
jut smelling of the good wet Sussex
eaves and mast and soil, with the
Downs rising not too many miles away
in the South. Then a turn into a narrow
lane, with the bare trees of a copse on
either side and a scurrying pheasant in
front of you, and behold the white
gate ! There is no lodge — the house is
just too small for that, as you can now
see for yourself, for there it is, under
the protection of the wood that rises
behind it, so quiet and self-contained
that you almost gasp.
Very old it is, but good for many
years more. The frame is of timber
and plaster, and a Horsham stone rmif.
These stones are a little damp and
moss-covered (for our ancestors insUted
on building in a hole, or where would
Friday's fish come from ?), and the
place is as Tudor as QUKKN BESS her-
self, in whoso reign its foundations wen- '
dug. The chimney stacks, all smoking
with the thin blue smoke of logs, are of j
tiny Tudor bricks, and the chimneys
are set not square with the house but
cornerways. A long low facade with
the central door in a square porch ; the
whole grave hut serene.
A path of more Horsham stone leads
to the door, with thyme and lavender
springing from the intoistices undis-
mayed by the feet of man, and smooth
lawns on each side, and under the
diamond-panod windows a bed where
in summer would be night stock and
more
lemon verlicna and tobacco plant and
mignonette. On the roof a few white
fantails ; a spaniel near the door ; and
a great business of rooks in the sky.
Through the windows of the lower
rooms you see the greener)' at the back
of the house and a suggestion hero and
there of hooks and pictures — everything
that makes a house a home.
Beside the house on the right are the
stables ; and on the other side a dark
shrtibliery, and l>eynud that
lawns and gardens and the ii-.li
Do you see it '.' IVi Imps you hare
already seen it differently :" for how
could you help forming some mental
picture of it when in even carriage on
the L. B. A S. C. R. is posted up the j
notice, " Passengers to Lower Blinds " ?
To mo " Ixjwer Blinds " is just such .
a manor-house as that.
Stellenbosched t
• <iiM.it \L leaving through war, nearly 5
f character." — Uorniny 1'apfr.
Austrian official report: —
\ memorial service wm» held on Decem-
ber '2 by our troops in the landjak o( Nori
Bazar aud Mitmvitza. the population enthusi-
astically participating."
Mancketirr Ki-ruiny \rtr*.
There is no reason to doul.t the truth
of this statement.
488
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[DECEMBER 15, 1915.
THE WATCH DOGS.
XXXI.
MY DEAR CHARLES, — You should drop
in one of these evenings at "A" Mess,
just to see the odd collection of special-
ists who go to make up our company.
These are the people who have the
Bright Ideas.
First there is the Colonel, whose
business in life is horses, Sir. He is a
soldier of the old school, courtly and
kiud till it comes to a matter of husiness
with a regimental transport officer.
Then he develops a nasty suspicious side
to his nature, no doubt calling to mind
the affair of a certain " horse, draught,
one " of earlier days of the campaign.
Once upon a time the Nth Division
(let us say) found itself the possessor
of a horse which it did not love, but
which would not die. Being wise in his
generation the officer in charge very
wickedly prefixed another number to
that already there before he turned the
beast adrift. In due course the Colonel
became aware of the irregular existence
somewhere in France of a horse marked
NNth Division (let us say) and behav-
ing in a suspicious manner ; and, also
in due course, the NNth Division got
to hear of the same thing and of the
Colonel's pained surprise in the matter.
The responsible person was invited to
explain it and not to be deterred from
putting the explanation in writing by
the fact that it would certainly be used
in evidence against him.
Now it happened that the NNth
Division had not at that time left Eng-
land, but were none the less ready on
that account to oblige the Colonel.
They were prepared to furnish any
number of explanations, but for the
moment regarded the following as the
most attractive : — " The horse, draught,
one, feeling bitterly that the establish-
ment of the NNth Division was com-
plete without it, had trotted away from
ALDEHSHOT (possibly in high dudgeon),
made its way to FOLKESTONE, jumped
off the pier while the M.L.O. was
snatching a hasty but well-deserved
meal ELSSKWHKBE, grounded at or near
the B in BOULOGNE, been shaken off
the drops, strolled up-country to have
a look at the trenches, taken a foolish
dislike to the latter, galloped back
again, boarded a train for MARSEILLES,
and* when apprehended was doubtless
intending to proceed thence to some
PLACE UNKNOWN." This minute was
not made more welcome to the Colonel
by the remark upon it of .an old
enemy through whom it was passed : —
" For your guidance, please."
Then we have a most diabolical Cap-
tain known as Patent Processes. There
is only one man in the Mess of sufficient
intellect to take part in his highly
technical conversations, and that is the
Lieutenant, in the same business but
the other side of it, known as Anti-
dotes for Same. They are rarely in
complete harmony, but recently they
combined to beg, borrow or steal a
horse off the Colonel. This put the
Colonel, always anxious to encourage
youth and energy, in a fix ; as he said,
you supply one sort of horse for ridin
purposes and another for experimentin
on. They, of course, could be no more
explicit with him than I am being with
you, for, as we all now know so well,
"les enncmics orcilles nous ecoutent."
Then there 's Eliza, a very necessary
euphemism (as you '11 agree) for his tech-
nical description, Liaison Officer. You
are not going to be told even what his
business is ; no one is allowed to know
that. We suspect that he is kept in the
dark himself. Whatever it is, he carries
it about with him on his long journeys
in a little bag. I have only managed
to see that open once, and then he was
helping himself to a piece of chocolate
out of it. However, he never fails to
bring back with him at night the very
latest news from the very highest au-
thority. He hints at it, behind closed
doors, in the most discreet of whispers ;
and sure enough there it is in next
morning's paper, officially denied.
Don't let yourself be deceived by the
dignified bearing and intellectual refine-
ment of Captain -, He will discuss
with you diplomacy and the fine arts ;
he will condescend, in an academic vein,
to remark upon the nuances of feminine
fashions, but on the whole he will leave
you under the impression that the prin-
ciple of his existence is noblesse, obliyc.
Nothing of the sort : he 's the Inspector
of Army Ashpits. There never was a
rubbish tip in the area but he must
needs get to the bottom of it. We call
him " Sue," which is short for sewage.
Next comes the General Staff Officer.
The hurried nature and inconvenient
times of his meals induced us for a long
time to look upon him as a busy man,
but now Lord ST. DAVIDS has shown
him up. We therefore assume his time-
table to be: — 9 A.M. to 1 P.M., beer and
bridge; 2 P.M. to 5, cocktails and piquet ;
5.30 to 7.30, whisky and auction ; 8.30
to closing time, wine, women and song.
Those solitary nights he spends on
duty are given to absinthe and the more
vicious forms of patience. Is it not all
very, very sad ? To the casual observer
looking in, a General Staff office looks
like a particularly dull insurance office
always working overtime, instead of
which it is, of course, a sink of iniquity,
the female portion of which is cleverly
disguised as unattractive and not too
well-dressed Staff Sergeants.
Last, but not least, comes the Camp
Commandant, whose lot it is to do
adjutant over us, amongst others. The
other day, in performance of his duty,
he posted a notice in the Mess : —
NOTICE.
Will Officers please state how many Gas
Helmets they possess ?
H. H. HUMBER, Capt.,
Camp Commandant.
For some days the only result was
as follows : —
NOTICE.
Will Officers please state how many Gas
Helmets they possess ?
H. H. HuMBFJt, Capt.,
Camp Commandant.
One. H. H. HUMBEK, Capt.
Even that failed to encourage the
others, and this was the complete text
of the notice when last seen : —
NOTICE.
Will Officers please state how many Gas
Helmets they possess ?
JI. II. HUMBER, Capt.,
Camp Commandant.
One. II. H. HCMBER, Cnpt.
Thank you.
H. II. HUMBER, Capt.,
Camp Commandant.
Last night we had a guest, a most
engaging Colonel of one of the new
units. His youth was spent soldiering,
his middle ago in commerce. His full
maturity finds him in his element again.
He said he wasn't feeling quite him-
self at the moment, having that morn-
ing had on the carpet (the Orderly
Room carpet) his own bank manager.
War is war and platoon commanders
must be treated as such if the ritie-
barrels of their platoons don't shine
bravely through the rain. " Under- '
stand clearly," he said, "if this happens
again you 're for it, and you can do
what you like about my confounded
overdraft."
"It 's a hard life for an old soldier,"
he told us, but the old soldier doesn't set
about to make it harder. On receiving
summary orders from the War Office
to report for duty, his first action had i
been to issue equally summary orders \
to his private chef to the same effect.
He kept the fat, jovial but thoroughly
surprised fellow by him while the
Testament was sent for, and himself
swore him in then and there. And so,
within a few hundred yards of the
Hun, the good cook continues daily to
produce divine novelties from tins of
bully beef and plum-and-apple jam. He
takes his revenge for forced marches ;
by wearing on all occasions a faded !
straw hat with his uniform, laughing
at all threats of imprisonment. " I hate
punishing my men," said the Colonel.
" Quite," said we.
Yours ever, HENUY.
DWMMBKB 15, 1915.] PUNCH, OK T1IK l.nMxiN r|| \K1\ AIM.
OUR SPECIAL PHOTOGRAPHER AT THE FRONT.
[This nuxli'sl ;;> ntU-man. feding that the cmly flM in hi- -u n^h..!, i iU. • omuwion ol hi» own fljnrt.
ory of his courage illu-tratc'l in hi. u-1. -ami-white".]
tl
I ;•
I
1 HAD SOME DIFFICULTY IN BEACHING THE FIBISC-LIXE
.:'
*'
H-TIJ1E WHKS I ABIIIVM>, AND I OOt A OOOH
PICTVBB CH •>•«! METHOI> OF TAJtWO
111-
'
VNIQUE SNAP OK SHELL ACTUALLY LEAVING OI.>.
AB TWF. OBDF.B TO FIEB WA«
Or.DKI.ED BY AN EMINENT COLONEL TO BE SHOT^I
TO SNAP HIM IN THE VERY ACT OF PASSING SENTENCE.
490
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [DKCKMBKH is, 1915.
A MATTER OF COURTESY.
GAIXAKT HIGHLAND OFFICER TAKING A LADY VOLUNTEEU'S s.u.i n:.
THE AUSTRALIAN.
["The bravest thing God ever made." — A British Officer's opinion.
THE skies that arched his land were blue,
His bush-born winds were warm and sweet,
And yet from earliest hours he knew
The tides of victory and defeat ;
From fierce floods thundering at his birth,
From red droughts ravening while lie played,
He learned to fear no foes on earth —
" The bravest thing God ever made ! "
The bugles of the Motherland
Rang ceaselessly across the sea,
To call him and his lean brown band
To shape Imperial destiny ; .
He went, by youth's grave purpose willed,
The goal unknown, the cost unweighed,
The promise of his blood fulfilled —
" The bravest tiling God ever made ! "
We know — it is our deathless pride ! —
The splendour of his first fierce blow ;
How, reckless, glorious, undenied,
He stormed those steel-lined cliffs we know !
And none who saw him scale the height
Behind his reeking bayonet-blade
Would rob him of his title-right —
" The bravest thing God ever made ! "
Bravest, where half a world of men
Are brave beyond all earth's rewards,
So stoutly none shall charge again
Till the last breaking of the swords :
Wounded or hale, won home from war,
Or yonder by the Lone Pine laid,
Give him his due for evermore —
" The bravest .thing God ever made ! '
W. H. O.
In a Good Cause.
Mr. Punch begs to remind his gentle readers of the great
and not very difficult service they can do to our gallant
Soldiers and Sailors, whose worst enemy is boredom, if
they will collect all the Magazines and Books which they
can spare for the need of the Camps Library (Sevenpenny
Editions are in great request), and simply hand them,
unwrapped and unlabelled, over the counter of the nearest
Post Office. No postage need be paid.
In the Cradle of the Deep.
"Admiral Sir John Hush worth Jellicoe, Commander-in-Ghiel of
the British Grand Fleet, celebrated his second birthday yesterday
in keeping watch over the enemy's vessels."' — Southern Daily Kdu>.
"Mr. Villiers told the audience the circumstances of an exciting
adventure when he was taken for a German spy, by a French gendarme.
The same morning three German spies had been shot. So ho told
the gendarme how he was ail Englishman and a friend of their
Mayor's, but it was only when he presented the gendarme with a
note for 25 centimes that he got his release." — Hull Times.
We gather that the gendarme was a stamp-collector.
"'INCH, OK Tm: ..ON ,n,N , '„ A,:, V U., ,.
AN EMPTY VICTORY.
Imperial Sculptor. "I WANT YOU TO SIT FOR MY COLOSSAL HI; I KH OF • YUToitY.
Go-mania. "YES, SIRE. MIGHT I HAVE A LITTLE SOMKTHING TO EAT FII:
DBCEMBEB 16, 1915.] PUNCH, Oil TIIK LONDON < II \ III \ A IM
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
(KXTIIACTKD I'T.OM Till: DlAHY OK ToilY, M.I'. I
House of Commons, Monday, /V<vm-
bfi'dth. As usual, lion's share ill <
tions foil to lot of
FOR WAR. Also as usual, TENNVST'S
replies were excellent alike in substance
and manner.
The art of answering Questions satis-
factorily not easy of full attainment.
A Minister, especially one of junior
rank and of ago known at the War
Ollico as "eligible," must avoid pert-
mysteiy. AK\a\s ready to
his country in \\
\VlLSOX Volunteered f
King's Messcn. ue v, as coining
home, diiu in ^ood time for (
festivities at Tranhy Croft, Au
suhmarine suddenK popped \i|>. >
mandcr boarded Greek vessel that car-
ried Si AM. i. N, his fortunes and h
spalches, and bore them off in custody. ! lion. 'J'liey row:
ill-, MMI
pro|Miition of ir
i iie •. Halaries. \'.i
tin: KlMi in III-*
M MI
Civil I
Men;!..-;-, !.!•• ' 'inmr
1 1*
ness, hut, should bo able occasionally to
gratify the almost infantile desire of he is the
House to bo amused. He must
be frank in statement \\liilst
discreet in measure of information
conveyed. In dealing with multi-
plicity of inquiries, a considerable
portion born of personal vanity or
desire for self-advertisement, he
must live up, at least in appearance,
to the Pauline example of suffering
fools gladly. At the same time he •
must be> able at rare intervals to
administer sharp rap on knuckles
to a pest of the Question-hour who
momentarily excels himself.
TKNNANT too gentle by nature.
too courteous by habit, to dis-
tinguish himself in last field of
action. Other requirements neces-
sary to success in difficult position
he daily exhibits, achievement,
rendered easier by fact that he
has modestly won bis way to
favour of all sections of House,
witb possible exception of Herr
GINNELL, who is inclined to class
him with his colleague, the IRISH
SECBETAIIY.
Business done. — Finance Bill
further considered on Report. New
Clauses introduced by CHANCELLOR
OP EXCHEQUER.
Tuesday. — Often wondered of
late what bad become of STANLEY
WILSON. In days that are no more be
was prominent amid group of implac-
ables above Gangway on Opposition
side. Theirs not to reason why. On
Treasury Bench was a Ministry schem-
ing for Home Rule and other legis-
lative iniquity. Business of group
alluded to was to obstruct, if not ab-
solutely stop, their progress. Member
for Holderness Division active and
sedulous in this patriotic mission.
When Might triumphed over Right
and Homo Rule Bill added to Statute
Book he slacked off attendance. Since
War began— to-day at least two of bis
old compatriots are seated on Treasury
Bench cheek by jowl with ancient
enemy— has disappeared from parlia-
mentary scene.
News comes this morning explaining
House hears with regret of the mis- ]
adventure. I n spite of. |MM haps because
of, his occasionally boisterous manner
STANLEY a general favourite. Home
consolation found in circumstance that
prize
of an Austria;
•
of tins OOMTW
i on it." II
part of salaries
A BIKRELI.IANT 1DKA.
crusade of tin- numerically ttmall. per-
sonally inllucntial. section of I
mull* who dcsilc to HOC the N'
of Purli.i ill in-
creaHingly undignified |
receive irresistible im|*-'.u-
hers can ; :. iking full pay-
ment of £400 a year voted to
themselves in time of peace whilst
they insist on their constituents
practising self d. i
To-morrow the Reichstag meets.
lMi-i:iii\i. Cius< 1. 1. LOB expected to
indicate terms on which the \V\it
]/)ui) may be prepared gnu-
to grant peace to prostrate Allies.
In speech at Guildhall in O<
last year, I'KIMK MIMSTKH plainly
indicated terms upon which the
K.MSI n ma> ba\e peace. By un-
designed coincidence he to-night
indicated the latest attitude of
the Allies on subject.
•• If," he said, " proposals of a
serious character for a general
)>eace are put forward, either
directly or through a neutral
Power, by the Enemy Govern-
ments they will be discussed by
the Allied Gemma
This intimation is at the hcrvice
of the IMI-KHIAI. CHANCKLLOB for
any use he cares to make of i
when giving final touch to his
rather than of a German. His treat- speech,
mcnt during coming festive season may 7i«.s/»i«i dour,
accordingly be more Christmassy.
Business done.— Another uneventful
sitting dealing with Finance Bill on
Report stage. Half-an-hour after mid-
ni»bt permitted to pass it.
\\',;hif!iiJ,i!/. -Much talk in Lobby
about BIUHELL'S suggestion that by-
way of setting example, process more
mittee.
Thiii'sdn'i. PmOBB announces that
arrangements have Ix-en concluded with
Law Officers of Crown for reducing
their rate of remuneration during the
War.
••That," said Herr GISSELL, " is what
I call opening the door to the thin edge
of
should accept
of War.
idea when the Parliamentary Session
will come to a close?" asked Mr
"No, Sir, not the slightest ,'
his back to the wall was
^..-Budget Bill .mri
; tn tno wan \\iis uKutiuK *•"' , v
«,fi was necessary to impose '»ut^n\COI^£^ Jj£
_,. . ,
PITT thai it wxmld be a good thing if Bill throug
494
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[I)KCKMI!KH 1"), 1915.
IF WE HAD BEEN PRUSSIANS.
SCENES FHOJI A KEVISED HISTOEY OF GEEAT BRITAIN. A SEQUEL TO THE SIGNING OF MAGNA CHAKTA.
SALE PRICE.
" The Plough and Horses."
" OVEK-EEACHED 'erself a bit — well,
well."
" 'Oo be you 'ludin' to, Luther Cherri-
man ? Friend of yourn ? "
" Gi'e 'er a name an' done wi' it —
that 's what I says."
" 'Er name 's well know 'd to all —
Annie 'Arbour, that 's 'er name."
" But no partic'lar friend o' anyone
'ere, fur as 1 knows."
" Went to school wi' 'er, I did.
Carrotty curls, she 'ad— bit of a know-
all then."
" Bit of a know-all still, an' nosey
wi' it, so the womenfolk seem to say."
"Still I be fair sorry for the woman
now."
" Tell us 'bout it, then."
"Ain't you 'eard ? "
" Don't 'ear nothin' of 'er 'cept once
in a way. She an' my missus don't
see 'xactly eye to eye — that 's 'ow
'tis. Case o' bein' uncommon clever —
that 's what 'twas. You all know 'er
boy 'listed matter o' three months back
— nobody couldn't stop 'im no longer,
nor they couldn't."
" Spit o' ,'is father, that boy — strong,
rdworkin' cha '
,
'iirdworkin' chap as
father were."
ever walked, 'is
" An' died o' a wapse's sting, so they
do say. Stung an' dead an' all in less
time 'an 'twould take to lift a row o'
potatoes."
" Losin' 'er 'usband, same as she did,
gi'e 'er a sort o' 'scuse for tyin' that
boy o' 'ers to 'er apron-strings."
" Apron-strings not strong 'nough to
'old 'is father's son, though, when it's
war a-callin' "im."
"They do say as 'is mother's tongue
be a thing to flee from, too. 'Tain't as
if 'e 'ad a pack o' brothers an' sisters
to share it wi' 'im, neither."
" Shouldn't 'a said 'e were old 'nough
for full-blown soldier. But time do fly,
an' no mistake."
" Nor 'e wasn't old 'nough for part 'e
claimed — that 's the way 'twas. But
a fine up-standin' lad, an' when' 'e gi'e
in 'is age as eighteen, if anythin' were
thought nothin' weren't asked. Don't
do to ask too much in war-time."
"Ask no questionses an' you don't
'ear no lies."
" There you be gettin' on wrong tack
again, George, same as usual. Lie
came first in this 'ere case, an' the
question as might have proved it one
was left out — that 's all."
. " You chaps don't need to arguefy
'bout that. Tell us your yarn, Luther,
'fore it be time to quit."
" It be 'ceedin' simple, what I got to
tell. 'Ere be fine up-standin' son, all
jV'ggoty like to be off, an' 'ere be 'is
| mother clingin' 'old o' 'im still, like
grim death. Yet off 'e goes an' calls
'isself eighteen, 'e does, an' says as 'ow
'e 'd been 'lowin' 'is mother fifteen bob
a week, all told. Consequence is 'e
gets a man's pay an' 'is mother she
| gets 'er tidy bit as well. An' to make
up for it KING an' country they gets
the strongest young chap in these 'ere
parts — same as 'is father' "fore 'im, 'oo
were a cert'n match for any man, but
not for wapses."
" Annie 'Arbour weren't satisfied,
though, if I guesses right? "
" You does guess right — an easy
guess. Annie 'Arbour, she couldn't
rest no'ow wi' 'er son recruitin' an' not
a soul to nag at from daybreak to sun-
down an' round again. So she tried
this way an' she tried that for to get
'old o' 'im again, an' not a morsel o'
chance did she see. Then all of a
sudden it come to 'er, an' she thought
she 'd struck it fine."
" 'Ow was that, Luther? "
" She devised it all very careful an'
business-like, I be bound to say. Got
'is birth certificate down from London,
she did, thinkin' to floor th' authorities
wi' that most proper. Sixteen, birth
DECEMBEB L5, 1915.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON C||.\l:l\ MM.
XM >• i \ \
*
>
tf.C.O. "AND WHAT ABOUT TOV, MY LAD?
"**'« KEPT M
YOU 'VE KEPT C8 HASOMO ABOUT H«M KM
certificate set 'im out to be — all of it in
black-an'-white, as solemn as Judgment
Day. Authorities couldn't deny it— an'
didn't try."
" What did th' authorities do, then "
"Cut down 'is mother's 'lowance,
'im bein' under age an' not likely_to
'ave ever earnt all that 'ere to give 'er.
Now she do 'ave to go on workin' for
'er livin', same as rest of us."
" Authorities didn't gi'e 'er back 'er
son, though, did they ? "
" Knowed a trick worth two o' that,
seeuiin'ly. Th' authorities weren't born
yesterday. Kep' 'er son, they did, an'
didn't as much as thank 'er for lettin
'em 'ave 'im at sale price, as you might
"Cimou Scott Holland will lecture at
St Martin's-in-the-Fields, Charing Cross, o
Wednesday. November 31, at 5 p.m. Subject
' The Nineteenth Century.' "-The Cliallenge
Memo, fov the lecturer : " Take care o
the months and the centuries will look
after themselves."
"Mr. Ronnie, in drifting away from trad
unions, thought some illuminating remark
about women."— Norwood Itcvicic.
But seems, perhaps wisely, to have
kept them to himself.
ROOSEVELT ON WILSON.
(Lines from an unwritten jtoem).
never touches any meat ;
Canned beans are what he loves to eat ;
He dare not drink his grape- juice neat;
lis life-blood has no more of heat
Than you can find in driving sleet.
He thinks in his profound conceit
That he is of the world's elite;
lie is disgustingly discreet ;
His policy, half bluff, half bleat,
Invariably spells Retreat.
I 've searched the lexicon of SHE AT
In vain for epithets to treat,
In any manner tit and meet,
This acid prig, inane, effete,
Who sits m mine and LINCOLN'S* seat.
So, when I see him on the street,
The pedant absolute, complete,
Fish-like and smug from head to feet,
I long to batter, bash, and be:it
This blamed Byzantine Logotlirtr
"I* it not time that the right of the
MoBensteini and the Siegeobergi to bee onM
Morlcvs and Cun»n» wa« restricted? V>t
should like to auggert that no naturalised
alien should be allowed to awumo a new name
until his family had borne it for three geoer
tions. But we have doubU whcMior tin- pUn
s practical."— Krrniny Paprr.
We have great pleasure in sharing the-f
doubts.
No gift of divination wa» needed to farea»0
lln^ m,.u' the invanion of Serbia . U •
it vva« foreseen months aRo. but all «»''"«
of it wa» guppreased by the Censor. And
the Foreign Office w»s surprised."
The Censor ought to bu\o n-nipn
that Sir EDWAHU (Juxv relics on the
Press for all his information.
.' If you want a first-olai* Bloater you «n
get ono from - AS I«>Ul °fd«
for 1«. Gd. We will wnd package carnage
| paid."— Wiltthirt Tirnt*.
Who says that there are no bargains t
be picked up in war-time ?
time..
Journalistic Candour.
IKYS r.'fl,.!, the now spirit of the
Newrahewy, dull, li Moss organ.
Judging by
at thi
me.. , ,
the pseudo-intvllectiial vari.-ty. it is alttii>-
. "tie ' "_.4</rf. ,'» " Tlu UethoJist Times."
the MiWripti-n list, the
attendance at this concert will be even larger
than at the hwt, wh-n mum »'<•"• ""able to
gain admii : Moalrrnl /to././ Star.
\ Lot 's hope they've enlarged the hull in
the meantime.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[DECEMBER 15, 1915.
AT THE BACK OF THE FRONT.
AiiOfT 10.30 o'clock on tho night of
the — th or, 19 — , I was shivering
in my tent and trying to extract a pair
of frozen feet from a pair of freezing
gun-boots with the help of a tent pole
when an orderly dashed in with a
message marked " Urgent or ordinary "
for my immediate use.
It appeared therefrom that no less
a person than •- - was going to in-
spect ns to-morrow.
I read on with comparative non-
chalance (chalance was out of the
question at that temperature) until I
came to a bit about Company Com-
manders. (I was, in a manner of
speaking, a Company Commander at
that date. I balieve I got an extra
sixpence a day for it, on account of
the responsibility, you know — or per-
haps it was to keep a horse with ;
anyhow, " Company Commanders,"
read the message, " will be expected
to know everything.")
More words may have followed
qualifying even this moderate expecta-
tion ; but as a matter of fact I sud-
denly realised just at this point that
I was ill — horribly ill ; had been for
weeks.
With a feeble gesture and a few
curt decisive orders I indicated to the
orderly that I wished him to hand
the message on to the Sergeant-Major.
Then I fell back and would have
swooned but for • I can't really
think why I didn't swoon. Perhaps
because there was no one looking.
There are various ways of squaring
doctors. It happened by chance that
I had a great number of socks on hand.
The strength of a man is his weakest
kink. Our doctor's kink is socks. You
can't give him enough. He has an
idea, apparently not shared by official
sources of issue, that socks save the
men from frostbite. Anyhow, next
day he provided me with a motor-car
and a disease — I learned its name by
heart — and left another officer with
the company to swank before the
inspector. I believe in giving some
of the younger men a chance.
They brought me gradually here.
We arrived at dead of night and took
the place by complete surprise. Event-
ually we were lined up and asked to
account for ourselves. I assured them
that I was seventy-seven years old, had
thirty-two years' service, had been in
the country nineteen years and was
a Bush Baptist.
The R.A.M.C. Corporal seemed dubi-
ous, but allowed me into B Ward.
There a sister woke up and inquired
what was the matter with me.
I told her.
She seemed incredulous and asked;
me again.
I repeated my lesson twice, and even
then I was sure she didn't believe me.
" Where have you got it ? " she
asked.
" Here," I said. " I didn't like trust-
ing it to my valise."
She made a disappointed noise.
"Haven't you a card?" she began
again.
" I 'in awfully sorry," I said, " but
I 've had none printed since war broke
out. You see —
"I mean a card saying what's the
matter with you — from the clearing
station ? "
"No," I said. "No; you see, they
couldn't have got it all in on a card,
and it wasn't worth writing a letter, as
I was coming myself so soon."
She sent me to bed.
Next day the doctor came round. 1
told him nearly the whole truth.
"Fact is," I said, "the division's
' resting,' and I 'm most awfully fed up,
and our doc. thought —
" I see," he said. " How long have
you been out ? "
I told him.
He was a very sensible sort of doctor.
HECKLEBURY HALL.
A HIGH-CLASS COLLEGE FOB POLITICAL
ASPIRANTS.
Principal.
Sir ARTHUR MARKIIAM, Bart.,
Assisted by
Professor Sir HENRY DALZIEL.
Professor JOYNSON-HICKS.
Professor Sir WILLIAM BYLES.
Professor PBINGLE.
Professor RONALD McNuir.L.
Professor HOGGE.
Professor ARTHUB LYNCH.
Professor GINNELL.
THE curriculum of the College is
specially designed to prepare pupils for
a Parliamentary career.
Especial attention is given to shy,
retiring and silent boys, with a view to
encouraging them to speak and assert
themselves on all occasions in a spirit
of fearless independence and aggressive
importunity.
The dominant note of the College is
the Note of Interrogation.
Besides attending lectures by the
greatest experts in the Inquisitorial
Art, 'pupils assemble twice a day, at
12 noon and 5 P.M., to take part in a
contest which faithfully reproduces the
conditions of Question Time in the
House of Commons, the professors
acting as Ministers and the boys as
Members,
Prizes are awarded every term to the
pupils who have asked the most em-
barrassing, the most irrelevant and the
most truculent questions.
Lessons in self-defence form an in-
tegral part of the curriculum. Classes
are held daily in boxing and ballistics
(Professor EOXALD MoNEILL), fencing
(Professor ARTHUR LYNCH), jujitsu
(Professor Sir WILLIAM BYLES), Greco-
Pionian wrestling (Professor JOYN8ON-
HICKS), and pig-sticking (Professor
HOGGE).
N.B. — Ill-tempered, violent and
quarrelsome hoys are judiciously treated
on a new system of intensive culture,
so that their idiosyncrasies may be
turned to the best possible account.
Testimonials received by the Principal:
DEAR SIR, — Although my son has
only been for one term at your College
I am glad to say that he has already
largely conquered his hereditary bash-
fulness. Only yesterday he asked his
aunt at luncheon, in the presence of the
Vicar, how long she had dyed her hair.
Gratefully yours, PAUL PRYOH.
DEAR SIR, — In sending you cheque
for next term I wish to express my in-
debtedness to your admirable method
of instruction as illustrated by the pro-
gress of my son Jasper. This morning
he asked me whether I intended to
give him a war-bonus in the shape of
an extra shilling a week pocket-money,
and when I replied that I must consult
my bankers before answering the ques-
tion, he threw his plate, containing
poached egg and bacon, at me with
extraordinary accuracy of aim. I attri-
bute this result to the excellent training
he has received from your Professor of
Ballistics ; and beg to sign myself,
Yours truly, CHICKERING PECK.
DEAR SIR, — Before he went to Heckle-
bury Hall my son was the most back-
ward boy I ever knew. He is now
the most forward lad I have ever met.
We never know what he will say or
do next. He has revolutionised our
home life, and my wife seldom leaves
her room in the holidays. You are at
liberty to make any use you like of
this letter.
Yours faithfully, HADDEN DOONE.
DEAR SIR, — I have no sons, but if I
had. twenty I would send them all to
your school to be turned into Heckle-
bury Finns. It is the finest product
of our times and the only school
where the young idea is instructed on
the sound principle of being always
" agin the Government." Heaven pros-
per your noble efforts to elevate the
practice of Ministerial tail -twisting
to the dignity of a high Art, I had
almost said a Eeligion ! Why should
the Americans have the monopoly of it?
Your admirer, DAMPIER PEEVEY.
PUNCH. OR THE I.nNI.ON CHARIVARI
English Officer.
- . . , ' YOD FtfiHT FOB HONEY;
OP US SEEMS TO OET WHAT WB WAJTT, DO WB ? "
w. noHT ro. HOXO,-..'
THE UNIVERSAL PEETEXT.
" IN future," said the restaurant pro-
prietor, " we will have only Colonial
and American meat. That will save
something."
"But," said the manager, "the differ-
ence between English and foreign is to
us, who buy so much, very slight, and
our customers won't like it."
" They won't know," said the pro-
prietor.
"They'll suspect," said the manager.
" What am I to say if they send for me
and ask me point-blank ? "
" Say ? " said the proprietor. " Say
that it 's English but that the chef has
cooked it badly. Say that we can't
count on the kitchen any more owing
to the War." '
" Understand," said the tailor to his
foreman, " I won't pay any more for
labour, not another farthing."
" But it looks as if you will have to," i
replied the foreman. " There is a
scarcity of girls."
" No, I 've been bled enough," said i
the tailor. " If they don't like it they I
can leave it. We can always get others
at the price."
" I doubt it," said the foreman; "and
tho work will be badly done."
" Never mind," said the tailor.
"Everyone makes allowances now.
Say it 's owing to the War."
" Well," said the brewer, " we 'ro up
against it now, what with extra duties
and new restrictions. There 'a nothing
for it but more water."
" I doubt if it will stand any more,
Sir," said the manager. " It 's about
as thin as we can make it now."
" Well, you must try something,"
said the brewer, "and, after all, the
houses are tied and we can give them
what we like. Do your best."
" I will, Sir ; but I think it 'a a mis-
take."
" Pooh ! who 's to object ? And we
can always lay the blame on the War."
" It 's absurd," said the jam manu-
facturer, " to use so much fruit. Now-
adays all that 's wanted is the sv.
ness and the suggestion. Increase the
alloy by another fifteen per cent, at
least — glucose, swedes, whatever it is."
" Won't that be rather dangerous ? "
the manager inquired.
"We'll take the risk," said the
manufacturer; "but I don't feel nervous.
We can always say it 's the War.
Turkish cigarettes of now ? " the tobacco
magnate inquired.
" The same tobacco as usual," repli.-.i
the manager.
" Well, don't do it any more," said
the magnate. " Mix in at least a third
of the No. 3."
" At the same price ? " the manager
asked.
"Of course. We must get some-
thing out of it."
" We had raised the price alrca<l\ ."
said the manager.
" Well, I wish it," said the magnate.
" Tlu-y '11 probably notice something
and kick," said the manager.
"Oh no, they won't. Tin
parrd for tilings like that. Thc\ 'II
think itr's the War."
And after all, why not? If \\o liuvc
got to have a war, let's make some
use of it.
11 Trousers, fit 38-in. chest, 5/- "
Thf Daroar.
The " lower chest," presumably.
"The sock industry is now to the Inle of
Man, and it took Home little t'liic to get the
work on its feet."— The Uelhoditl ;:,-,•..»./, i
Possibly the three legs of Manxland
What are you making our best accentuated the difficulty.
498
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [DECEMBER 15, 1915.
COUGHS AND COLDS.
" Francesca," I said, " I 'm afraid my cough is no better;
\vuff- wuff-gruff-ruff-wutt'."
" It 's your own fault," she said.
' If you would only
in hot water; and yesterday I
as to humour it, and — wuff-
consent to take your cough-mixture regularly you 'd have
got rid of it long ago."
"Francesca, how can you bring yourself to say such
things ? I certainly took a good strong working dose
yesterday — or was it the day before ? Anyhow, I 'in sure I
took something yesterday, and it hasn't done me a bit of
good — gruff- wuff-gruff."
" If," she said, " you want a cough to yield to treatment
you must first of all treat it."
"But that's just what I have done," I said. "I've
given it all the nice tilings I could think of. It has had
dozens of delectable jujubes, and scores of pastilles, and
jars of black-currant jam
gave it breakfast in bed so
gruff-wuff — this is all the j
return I get for my kind-
ness."
"Well," she said, "you're
not the only person in the
world who 's got a cough.
I 've got one myself—
hack-hock-hank — and it 's
every bit as bad as yours,
only I don't complain
about it to everybody. I
just bear it."
" No, you don't," I said.
" You cough it and / bear
it. It kept me awake for
an hour last night."
" Yours kept me awake
for an hour and a-half."
" You must be mis-
taken," I said coldly. " My
cough 's not the sort that
can keep anybody awake
except its owner. It isn't
a loud cough. It 's a gen-
tle cough with a digging
movement which is splen-
didly effective — gruff-gruff-ruft'-wuff. Now your cough —
I '11 admit for the sake of argument that you 've got one
— isn't a real cough at all. It's just a harsh, metallic,
choky bark."
" My cough," she said with dignity,
Dealer. "WELL, SIR, OF COURSE YOU MOST TAKE THE 'oss OH LEAVE
'IM. THERE 'E is, WITH ALL 'is IMPERFECTIONS ON 'is 'BAD, AS THE
POET SAYS."
Prospective Customer. "An, YOUR FRIEND THE POET CAN'T HAVE
LOOKED AT HIS LEGS."
; is as nature made
it. And, at any rate, I 'm using the cough mixture." She
poured herself out a dose and drank it down.
" Francesca," I said, " you have great courage. Give me
the bottle and let me, too., attack the enemy with this
nauseous stuff. There, 1 've tlrunk it — wuff-wuff-gruffer-
ruffer-wuffer. Bah ! it only makes it worse."
" It 's made mine much better. I couldn't cough now if
I wanted to."
"For heaven's sake," I said, "leave it at that. Let it
go. Don't ask it to come back."
"I should be ashamed," she said, " to show such terror
of a poor little cough. Compared with your great St. Bernard
of a cough mine 's only a sort of Yorkshire terrier."
" It 's managed to get on my nerves all the same."
"But your nerves," she said, " are such easy ones to get
on to."
" Yes," I said, " a child could get on to them, or a curate
or a monthly nurse— anything from a boy practising a
bugle down to a motor-car."
" And women," she said, " are expected to go through
life without nerves."
" Yes," I said, " that 's only fair. Women have got to
keep the home together, and they couldn't do it properly
if they indulged in nerves."
" How anything so irritable as a man could ever manage
to be a breadwinner I can't make out," said Francesca.
" We will not pursue," I said, "these investigations into
our respective nerve centres. Is anybody else in the house
going to have a cough ? "
" Well, all the children have got colds, but you 've been
so wrapped up in your doluctables that you haven't
noticed it."
" I 've noticed that nearly all my handkerchiefs have
disappeared."
" Poor dears," she said. "Their own handkerchiefs are
so small and so few."
"Yes," I said, "but why do they do them up in balls
and leave them on all the armchairs?"
" It 's a mute appeal, "
she said, " to a hard-
hearted father. And James
has got a bad cold."
"He has," I said; " I 'vo
j heard him sneezing a good
deal more than is com-
patible with his age and
his position as seneschal.
Somehow a sneeze and a
butler don't seem to fit in
together. I suppose the
maids are not going to be
left out of this."
;'Not they. They've
| caught a nice plump cold
apiece. And in a day or
two they and James and
the children will all be
coughing like mad."
"It is," I said, "a most
delightful prospect, and all
owing to you."
"Tome?"
" Yes," I said, " to you.
— You began it. Every day,
when it 's about time for the evening paper to be brought
in, you start edging nearer and nearer to the library door so
as to get first hold on the news —
" Tbere never is any."
" No, but you think there 's going to be, and you sit
posted up against the draught between the door and the
window, trying to look quite purposeless, until the door
opens and then away you sail in a tornado of sneezes with
the paper in your grip."
" You're a wonderful observer," she said. " You attribute
it all to evening papers. Now I attribute it all to tobacco.
If you didn't smoke so much you wouldn't be so liable to
colds, and if you didn't catch a cold nobody else would — so
there ! "
" I never heard such nonsense in my life," I said. " Gruff -
wui'f-ruff-gruffer-ruffer — if I were laid up with measles my
belief is yon 'd put it down to cigarettes."
" And I shouldn't be far wrong," said Francesca. " Hock-
hack-hank-hack — you 'd better have another go of mixture
soon.
B. C. L.
"Rome. — Tlic German Peace Assassin thanks the Pope for his
work in favour of peace." — Provincial Paper.
Another synonym for the KAISER, we suppose.
DKCIMUKK jr)p 1915.]
Wer. -WHO'S THAT GENTLEMAN, DAD, WALK.SQ ALL ALOXK?
' THE MA* WHO MU.BKQ MVE WOODCOCM „
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
Mr. Punch's Sta/ of Learned Clerks.)
MESSBS. CONSTABLE it Co. have been fortunate in starting
their new series of Makers of the Nineteenth Century with
Delaneof " The Times " ; they have been still more fortunate
m finding such an exceptionally accomplished biographer
as Sir EDWARD COOK. It takes an editor to appreciate an
editor— his daily difficulties, his occasional triumphs, his
frequent anxieties. With all these things Sir EDWARD has
had long and varied acquaintance ; and in this admirably-
written book he gives us with many a shrewd comment and
illuminating sidelight the benefit of his own experience.
DELANE, who was almost as particular about the " grave-
yard" of Ths Times as he was about the leading articles,
would have entirely approved his biographer ; and the
biographer, for his part, could desire no more inspiring
subject. JOHN THADEUS DELANE was only twenty-three
when JOHN WALTER the Second requested him to succeed
the great THOMAS BARNES, who had earned for the paper
the title of "The Thunderer." He had had but a year's
experience of journalism, yet he accepted the responsibility
with the same level-headed confidence that he displayed
throughout the thirty-six years of his editorship. Before I
he was thirty his reputation was secure. He had the
confidence of the proprietor and of the innumerable states-
men and other big-wigs with whom lie was in daily
communication; what was perhaps even more difficult, he j
had liis team of leader-writers (some of whom, like HENRY !
KKEVE, were inclined to kick over the traces) well in hand.
His aim was to inform, interpret, and direct that great
central body of British opinion on which the fate of Minis-
tries ultimately rests. No personal fads or party preiu
dices obscured his judgment, and, though ho often made
mistakes and had to practise " the gentle art of curvature "
Ihe limes was never long out of sympathy with the
national feeling. Fortunate in his proprietor*— who re-
garded the dignity of their paper as more important than
its profits— he was able to make the gaining of inSuence
rather than of money his objective ; and, as the almost
inevitable result, he gained both. Every journalist should
read his Life— the old for remembrance, the young f..r
inspiration ; but anyone who is interested in the social and
political events of the Victorian era will (hid it as g
reading as any novel, and a great deal letter than most.
\Y.is there ever a volume of recollections with so little
trace of egotism, even to the point of the concealment
of i-ssiMitials, as Mr. Hiriivun \Vnm.iN(; s Mr/ /.
iHoDDKii AND ST.IKJMTON):' But I suppose his idea was
to lay stress on the stored, not the sown, grain; on impn-.-
sions and verdicts rather than happenings, \\hich are only
touched upon so far as they are necessary to elucidate. Tilt-
fastidious phrasing (sometimes perhaps* a little obscure in
intention) marks the journalist of a long dopar:cd school,
who, though he makes no particular grievance of it.
with concern the stress and hurry of our day of giant cir-
culations and the queer policies that contrive and i
them. It is of interest to know that the author of
John Street entered journalism out of craftsmanship — ho
had been apprenticed to BENJAMIN Wvos, "chief engraver of
Her Majesty's [Qt KKN VICTORIA'S] seals "—rid some sketches
in The Star, under JUSTIN MI-CARTHY, of the alleged impres-
sions of a Coster in Belgravia, meant as a counterblast to
500
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [DECEMBER is, 1915.
JAMES GREENWOOD'S " Amateur Casual" in The Pall Mall.
As Special Correspondent in the Paris of 18G7 ; Geneva of
the Alabama Convention ; Madrid of the Carlist rebellion ;
Paris again, with the friendship of HUGO and GAMBETTA ;
America ; Berlin in the eighties ; Petersburg (that was)
with TURGUENIEFP — he has not lived a dull life or given a
dull, though, may be, a quiet, reflection of it. The general
reticence sharpens our wits to understand the faint allusions
rectories, his squires and parsons and all their pleasant
little world, gives us an account of a country in which
wealth is a wickedness and often a punishment, and where
ungenteel poverty rules the roast and oppresses the opulent.
Mr. John Howard, who penetrated into this country, was
startled and disconcerted by the furious indignation with
which a proffered tip of sixpence was repelled by an
inhabitant who had all the appearance of a tramp. He
and induces a very pleasant glowing sense of intelligence was doomed to be still further disconcerted, for when a
when we succeed, to counteract the chill of disappointment ] kind-hearted native attempted to relieve him, for his own
when we fail. One must quote the verdict of " a brilliant good, of his rich watch and chain he naturally pursued the
Irishwoman " on a certain fantastic countryman of hers
who shall be nameless : " You make a great fuss about
him. We have a man like that at the cross-roads of every
village snacking every passer-by for the benefit of the
crowd." And neither this nor
the author's own vehemence
on the same too much dis-
cussed subject is the product of
war passions. It is the only
touch of spleen in a gracious
book, which you may close
with the verdict: There goes
an honest Eadical.
thief, but was himself taken into custody. In Upsidonia a
A/V. Hobson " had come his biggest cropper over a worked-
out silver mine, in which antimony or some such metal was
discovered
I suppose that detective or
spy stories may be regarded
as a mild form of intoxicant,
and in this case I can promise
that you will find The Thirty-
Nine Steps (BLACKWOOD) an
agreeably exhilarating blend.
Indeed, I am not sure that
its consumption should not be
confined to certain restricted
hours, say 5 to 6 P.M., or
from 10.30 onwards. To begin
sipping at it in the morning
would certainly be fatal to
the day's work. In his pleas-
ant little Preface, Mr. JOHN
BUCHAN refers to it as belong- j
ing to that type of romance ]
" where the incidents defy
the probabilities and inarch
just inside the borders of the
possible." There could be
no better definition of the
wild and whirling adventures
that engulph Mr. Richard Hannay, from the moment when
a supposed corpse walks into his London flat and demands
protection till the last breathless minutes when — but I
certainly shall not tell you about them yet. At times one
may feel in retrospect that the border-line laid down by
Mr. BUCHAN has been overstepped ; but this is in retrospect
only and belongs to the next-morning mood. At the
moment the thrill of llannay's evasions and escapes and
disguises holds one too fascinated to worry over the
question whether they could ever have happened. If
I have a criticism, it is that the dressing-up motive is a
trifle overworked. But if you should be tempted into some
impatience over this let me beg of you to hold on for the
sake of the last chapter, which provides a quite original
and breath-taking climax. For this alone The Thirty-Nine
Steps would bo well worth your climbing, despite the
undeniable steepness of some of thorn.
AFTER THE EXPLOSION.
' WOT ABE YEB WORRYIN' ABAHT, BILL?"
'CAWN'T BEACH MY PIPE."
the moment the shares seemed to be worth
nothing, witli the consequence
that they jumped up again to
unheard-of altitudes." When
this crash came his wife had
submitted to wealth with a
noble resignation. She had
taken a large house and filled
it with expensive furniture,
had bought silks and laces for
herself and had clothed her
children in the richest attire,
thus taking her punishment
like a true woman. Those
who desire further and better
particulars of this surprising
country and of the manners
and customs of those who live
in it are referred to the book,
where the whole scheme is
worked out with the greatest
ingenuity and just that amount
of semi-solemnity which is
suited to so Erewhonian a
subject. It is a happy essay
in grotesque but suggestive
topsyturvydom. It may even
prove to have a truly practical
utility now that we are all
bidden to give up half our
incomes. But in Upsidonia
they wouldn't have let you
invest in a War Loan.
In Upsidimia (STANLEY PAUL) Mr. ARCHIBALD MARSHALL,
abandoning for a time his beloved country-houses and
A Little House in War-Time
(CONSTABLE) ought to be given a roving commission; I
mean that it should be found here, there and everywhere, j
so that one may have a dip into it and pass on. To read
it through at a sitting — as I did — is to come to mild logger-
heads not so much with the book itself as with AGNES and
KGEKTON CASTLE'S idea of it. " We trust," they say in a
foreword, " our pages may add a little mirth more to the
gallant spirit abroad." Well, I discovered very little
to make me laugh, but I did find something to refresh and
gladden me. In short, when the EGERTON CASTLES are
out to be funny they seem to me to leave the bull's-eye
unscathed, but when they are telling us of courage in the
face of danger, of anxieties nobly borne, or of the beauties
and joy of their garden, they hit the centre of the target
every time. Without conscious effort they create a bond of
sympathy with their readers which is very real and endur-
ing. Tin's is what is called an intimate book, but eyes that
are merely curious will get little satisfaction from its
pages, its appeal being solely to lovers of a simple chronicle
charmingly told.
DEOTMBBB 22, 1015.] PUNCH. <>lt Till; U>MM»\ ( IIAKI VAIM.
CHARIVARIA.
SYNTHETIC rubber lias once mor.
discovered. iieeordin.L! to a not :'
by the Frankfort I'lmersiiy. This time
i! is attributed to "co-operation !>•
tho local professors." It is sup:
that they evolved it out of their inner
consciences, wliich are notoriously
elastic. a *
Having rend a moving description of
"Meatless and Fatless Days'' in Ger-
many, a tender-hearted Hilton writes:
" Christian charity may forbid us wish-
ing them, even in war-time, Heatless
and I lal li ss day-;, hut no exception can
he taken to our providing them with
Fruitless and Bootless ones."
»~
Now*
AYrnms Lailtj.
War is a wonderful
thing. During the second
battle-of Ypres tho follow-
ing indent was received by
the Stationery Office at
the Front: — "Kindly let
have 4,000 yards of
tape, red, far use with res-
pirators . ' ' And so for once
this material, instead of
stilling military ardour,
actually enabled it to
breathe. :;: ;;:
We learn from The
Woman's Magazine that
the work of a famous
black-and-white artist is
in such constant demand
that he can only escape a
breakdown by rushing off
to his cattle-ranch in
Western America. Lest
our readers should imagine
that one of our own eminent draughts-
men is pointed at we hasten to say
that none of them will admit to being
a cow-puncher. % *
*
An officer recently received the fol-
lowing postcard from his little daughter,
who has just gone to a boarding-school
for the first time :—" MY DEAR DADDY,—
Please answer by return. Is a lieu-
tenant's daughter higher than a cap-
tain's niece?" * *
*
Civil servants, professional men and
others of similar position who have
been called up for service in Austria
are allowed to wear a yellow armlet to
distinguish them from soldiers of in-
ferior social status. If the use of French
expressions were still permissible out
there they would be known as the
"jaitncfise iloric." :;;
In a peerage case the other day i
vor,. cxr,!\-.
of the House of I. :n names'
BO had against I hem I
star, or a tick, hut no <
know whethei | uks itidi>
that thi-\ \\ere ;
Lord AM.IN-ON -;i.| he had i
the \\< rd " hie
but with commendable
as to what 1 1 lat
have impl , +
Italy has found another use for old
newspapers. Boiled together as tightly
as possible, they are stooped in pa
anil cut into segments, one of which is
sufficient to heat a soldier's rations.
If the 1'rilisli War Office should adopt
the idea it may be possible by a judi-
cious selection from our Press to dis-
pense with the paraffin.
.•tame
*
IN DARKEST LONDON.
'To THK OTIIEH SIDE OP THE 8TOEET, PLEASE."
fi.unil
clear ' las in
•I thousand
on the \\.
seated thn1
.Id IHJ
IS. » «
act fr.ili; .irl's
lion p.ij.
writttm during the
IVninsulai War. Torres Vedraa was a
died roan. Ho
wrot s daunt);
commemorate this dread-
ful \vur." » «
In tho case of a youth-
ful jockey making two
thousand a year
Bench has hat M
: an "infant" ho is not
liable to pay income-tax.
Several elderly million-
uries are now asking
whether this applies to
second childhood.
•
Tho following letter was
recently intercepted by the
principal of a n'r's school,
addressed to Miss D.
Hobinson, dills' College,
Shrimpville-on-Sea : —
Junior School.
— **i»Ar*«t
A correspondent reminds us
BROWNING in his "Grammarian's
Funeral" had a prescient admiration
or the British Press of to-day :—
That 's the appropriate country, there man 's
thought
Barer, intcnscr,
Upgathcrod for au outbreak, as it ought,
Clififi'sat the censor I"
* *
In a laudatory speech about Ger-
many's allies Herr NAUMANN referred
to Bulgaria as a country that is washed
MY DEAB DOBOTHT,— Fright-
, »ui not in the !
worse luck. I am a »ection officer A a music
officer frightful swank eh what! Are V
decent girls at your College?
With LOTS of tovo A kisses from
Ton Smut.
P.S. I ain frightfully sorry but I h:.
gotten you sirnamo if Robinson U wrong.
Note.— It was.
• An um-xpl-xUd 12 in. sh.'ll h:is been found
HI tin- Corporation refuse destructor works at
Bradford. The assumption is that it -"
Like Lady Macbeth Bulgaria wants a
of washing, and for the same
lot
reason.
It is a mistake to suppose that
America is not suffering financially
through the War. We learn that
President WILSON has been put to the
expense of two diplomatic dinners
As a 12 in. shell weighs HOO li
seems a very large assumption.
"To clear the complexion. First I buy
yard of Turkish towelling which I make B
into two washing-gloves : one of these I
for the faco only which I boil every week.
Home Chat.
expense o
season, instead of one, in order to avoid n.on
Personally we fry ours, but only once a
C 0
502
PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [DECEMBER 22, 1915.
A NON-STOPPER.
["'To save expenditure in printing,' the
Northfleet (Kent) Urban Council have decided
not to punctuate the official reports of their
proceedin gs. ' ' — Observer.']
Mr. Punch, sympathising as he does
with all kinds of economy, here tries
hia hand at a similar retrenchment,
going oven a step further and eliminat-
ing capital letters ; but never again !
the friendly neutral who has been
visiting germany austria bulgaria
greece and turkey at the instigation of
mr punch has now presented his re-
port which runs as follows
my last place of sojourn was berlin
where i was fortunate in being able to
take part in the celebration of herr
bode's seventieth birthday no one
would guess that there was any war so
enthusiastic were the crowds and so
numerous and worthy were the pre-
sents which included a genuine victor-
ian leonardo another sign of the perfect
tranquility of berlin and incidentally of
the untruth that there is any food short-
age was a policeman standing by the
brandenburger gate who though a cop-
per was not requisitioned by the war
office and though exceedingly plump
was unmolested by the housewives of
the city
passing on to vienna I was admitted
to the honour of an interview with the
aged emperor who is in the very pink
of senile decay he said it is not true
that the austrians are tired of the war
on the contrary we enjoy every minute
of it and its popularity increases daily
nor are we in need of food it is only
the other half of my empire that is
hungary loud laughter i then essayed
the Balkans and succeeded in obtaining
an interview with the royal recluse to
gain admittance to his present throne
room which sd great is his people's love
for him is in .the lower basement of the
chief safe deposit of sofia was the work
of only a mere week and i was then
allowed to speak to him not directly
but through a perforated wall of steel
several inches thick and not until after
i had been searched to the bone we had
however a charming talk and he re-
affirmed his devotion to the kaiser and
his conviction that after the war is over
bulgaria will be second in power only
to the german empire
in turkey whither i next passed eager
as i am to provide you sir with all
the facts that can possibly flatter us i
found complete contentment on every
side except possibly among the armen-
ians who however have not been heard
to complain for some time possibly be-
cause they are dead having bought a
copy of the times at yildiz kiosk where
it is on sale daily and greatly in demand
i entered greece and had the felicity of
interviewing the king who was gratified
to hear that a play named after him is
now holding the adelphi at least he
thought it was called tino and i thought
it was more tactful not to put him right
but of course it is really tina he informed
me that he spends all his waking hours
and they are many wondering whether
he loves england more than germany
or germany more than england and
some day he hopes to know always
provided that he can keep venizelos
at arms length while he is making up
his mind
having thus fulfilled the mission with
which you were so good as to entrust
me i shall be glad to receive a cheque
MENS SANA IN CORPORE SANO.
IT was a murky night, and the room
with its cheerful fire seemed particu-
larly inviting when I entered and
addressed myself to the man who was
busily writing in a book.
" I 've come at last," I said.
" Pleased to see you," he answered.
" I should have come long ago," I
continued, " only, you see, Jones and 1
had a small bet as to who would stick
out the longer. I find Jones went
yesterday, so here I am."
"Yes, you are," he admitted, "but —
" I 'm five feet ten," I went on, inter-
rupting him. "Chest thirty-nine — or
forty, 1 'm not sure which. Not bad, eh ? "
"Excellent," he agreed; "and I
should say you weighed about twelve
stone."
" Pretty right," I said admiringly ;
" but I hope you don't propose to mul-
tiply them all together and prove me
the Beast in the Revelations."
He smiled gravely.
" Then there 's nay age," I went on.
" Can you guess that ? or shall we
postpone further discussion of my
statistics until I 've seen the doctor ?
I "d better see him to-night and get it
over. Suspense would be very painful."
"Yes, perhaps you had better. I
fancy that 's his step outside now."
He darted out of the room, and after
a minute or two returned in company
with a sombre-faced man with such a
pronounced professional air that it
seemed almost to form a halo round him.
" You want to see me ? " he inquired
briskly.
" It 's usual, I believe," I said. " Shall
I strip ? "
" I don't think it will be necessary.
Just tell me how you feel."
" I thought you always insisted on
viewing the subject in pur is natural-
ibus, but no matter. As regards your
question, I feel all right."
" No drumming noises in the head ?
No sudden desires to do something
rash ? "
" None at all. Just ready to do what
I 'm ordered."
" That 's right. What made you
come here at all ? "
" Duty alone," I told him.
" H'm," he murmured, raising his
eyebrows. "Perhaps I 'd better, have
a closer look at you. Come this way."
He led me across a court-yard into a
snug surgery, through which we passed
into a room filled with weird-looking
instruments.
Having examined mo with the aid of
divers pieces of apparatus for about
half-an-hour, he put them aside and
turned to me.
"You're quite all right," he said.
" You 've nothing to fear."
" Thanks," I said. " I feel as sound
as a bell."
" You are. Good night."
"I suppose I may tell the other chap
I 'm perfectly fit ? " I asked.
" If you want to," he said non-
chalantly.
"The doctor has passed me," I told
the inquisitor, " so we can soon polish
off the rest of the business. I sign some-
thing, don't I, and get a shilling or so?"
A look of surprise spread over his
face. " If the doctor says you 're all
right, I suppose you must bo," he said
slowly. " But what 's that you said
about a shilling? "
" Have you given up the time-
honoured practice? I didn't know,
but it doesn't matter anyway. Now
what can I join ? I think I should do
rather well in the R.F.A."
His eyes suddenly lighted up with
understanding. He rose and led me to
the door.
" You must have mistaken the way
in the fog," he said kindly. "The Ee-
cruiting Office is round the corner to
the right."
" Then this? " I gasped.
" This," he said, " is the Lunatic
Asylum. Mind the step."
But I had already fallen over it.
WAR THRIFT.
I JOURNEY by the Streatham tram
My own true love to see ;
I used to buy sweet marjoram
For my sweet Marjorie.
But now Bellona rules the scene;
When I go there to tea
I toko a dab of margarine
For my dear Marjorie.
From a bookseller's catalogue :—
' Coleridge's Ruins of the Ancient Marines."
This hitherto unknown work should ha
acquired for the library of the Royal
United Service Institution.
CAROLLING BY COMMAND.
GERMAN CHANCELLOR (singing). "GOD EEST YOU, MERRY GERMANY,
LET NOTHING YOU DISMAY."
KAISEE. "A LITTLE LOUDER, BETHMANN; AND PCT MORE CONVICTION INTO IT."
Artilleryman. •• YES, SIB, TOC CAS."
Village Clergy num. "CAN I HELP TOD AT ALL?"
Clergyman. "WHAT SHALL I DO, THEN?"
Artilleryman. "WELL, SIB, IP YOU WOULDN'T MIND ooiso A BIT FUBTHEB UP THE STREET THE HORSES WILL CXDEMTASD
ItANGU AGE BETTER,
OUE CHILDEEN'S CORNER.
(A Point of Style.)
Is not this a charming letter from
Isobel?
DEAR UNCLE PUNCH, — I thought you
might like to know that Tony and I
are writing a story, because Tony says
these writer fellows make pots of
money, and he knows a chap at school
whose father is one, and he gets a
shilling a word, and if we write a lot of
words that would be ever so much,
wouldn't it? And perhaps we'd get
more for the big ones ; and we 're going
to put it all into the War Loan and win
the War, and then Father and Tom
can come home again. It 's quite easy
except just the beginning, because we
both got " Very good " for spelling last
term, and I 've thought of a splendid
plot, and Tony 's bought a book, " How
to write Short Fiction," which tells us
exactly how to do it.
I '11 tell you all about it, Uncle
Punch, because I know you 're a
literal old gentleman, and I expect
you 've had some practice at stories
yourself. You see, this is what the
book says : —
" 1. The plot must be striking ami
original. Ask yourself, ' Could anyone
have thought of this?' and if the
answer is ' Yes ' it 's no good." Well,
that 's all right, because Tony Suther-
ington is most awfully brave, and he 's
been out to the Front and got all the
letters we can find in the paper after
his name ; and he 's in love with Isobel
Bruce, who is the prettiest girl in the
county, and she refused him when he
was a clerk before the War, but marries
him when he comes home wounded.
Many people couldn't have thought of
that, could they ? And you don't think
it will matter their having our own
Christian names, do you, because that
will make it so autozoological, like
David Copperficld, when we become
famous ?
" 2. It must be topical." That means
about the War, you know, so it 'a all
right too.
" 3. Grip your reader right away.
Have a snap in the first sentence. It
is a good plan to always as a general
rule begin (why did that make fatln-r
laugh, Uncle Punch ?) with the Ji-
heroine's name, and let it be an attrac-
tive one."
Now we come to the difficulty. I
began: "Lieut. Tony Sutherini;
D.C.M., D.S.C., M.V'.O., D.S.O..
M.D., K.C. jaws snapped like s
and Tony said that made it look as if
it was his jaws that were D.C'.M
so he put, " Lieut. Tony Sutheringti n.
D.C.M., D.S.C., M.V.O.. D.S.O.,
M.D.. K.C.'s jaws," and I don't think
that 's right, because it looks as if the
jaws had belonged to just the K.C. part.
Do tell us which you'd say, I ncle
Punch, and we '11 let you read it tafore
anyone. Yours always, Isom:i..
[That is a very difficult question.
dear Isobel, but I should try "The
jaws of Lieut., etc." I 'm sure it will
be a lovely story. — U. P.]
"The sight of the men asleep on the para-
pet during these long nights always improve*
me profoundly." — J/oniiru; 1'optr.
The spectacle would probably not be
lost upon the enemy either.
500 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [DECEMBER 22, 1915.
A TERRITORIAL
XII.
IN INDIA.
the Company football and a washing the small matter of sloping arms from
bowl in addition to me. Even allowing; the stand-at-ease position. We used
for my rather emaciated condition — as ! to count silently as we carried out the
MY DEAB MB. PUNCH,- — \Ve Terri- ; a result of the hot-season — the propor- ! different motions — one, two, three,
torials in India are gradually coming j tions seemed altogether too generous, i four — cutting the right hand away
to realise the significance of our position j But I think I see now that it is meant smartly at four. After a time there
here. At first, misled by semi-official j as a gentle hint that my normal figure is grew up a tendency to make the move-
statements, we fondly imagined we , not as impressively proportioned as it I ments too huried, so, instead of counting
had been sent out mainly for the should bo in order to awe the natives, I four, we began to count seven, moving
purpose of being trained under favour- j and that it is up to me to develop it only on the odd numbers — one, two,
able conditions in the gentle art of | till it conforms to standard. Mean- three, four, five, six, seven. This, it
slaying Bosches. Months passed, and ' while I suppose the pillow, the Com- i was presently decided, made us too
as the hot weather came upon us and i pany football and the washing bowl ' slow, so another method was adopted,
we were split up into numerous detach- will have to accompany me when I go | and we were told to count — one and
ments, which rendered war training for on parade. tiro and three and four.
the time being almost impossible, we j In view of the foregoing alleged ex- These and similar changes inspired
began to perceive our error. ; planation of our presence in India, i certain frivolous privates to invent
Now over a year has elapsed since ! there are naturally differences of opinion I other ways of ensuring uniformity of
we landed in Bombay, and we are ' in the regiment as to what constitutes ' movement in manual drill. If you
persuaded in our own minds that we ' discipline. Some are all for rigid chanced to look into our bungalow one
are not, after all, destined to be useful , formalities and the harsh ways of the afternoon you would probably find one
in the manner of fighters,
but to serve our purpose
during the Great War by
being merely ornamental.
We have, in other words,
come to the conclusion that
it is our sole duty by the
splendour of our appearance
to impress the peoples of
India with the might and i
glory of Britain. Some go
so far as to assert that we
were specially selected for
this purpose by Lord KIT-
CHENER, after anxious con-
sideration, on account of
the matchless beauty and
symmetry of our persons
and the magnificence of
our physique.
Still, whatever we are
asked to do, we are patri-
otically determined to do —
Small Boy (who IMS bar-rowed military boot of brotiter home from tlie
Front). "THAT'LL FETCH FATHER CHRISTMAS."
it well, even if it is no more than to
look beautiful. Consequently, when
an inspection of our battalion by the
General was announced a short time
ago, we resolved to surpass ourselves.
Such a creaking of starched tunics,
such a glittering of equipment, such a
flashing of bayonets, such a mingled
aroma of hair-oil and tooth-paste, have
never been known before in all India.
In the short marcli to the maidan, dust
had settled upon our mirror-like boots.
Native cleaning boys were hastily
summoned to kneel and restore our
footgear to its pristine brilliance as we
stood in review order on the parade
ground, till the nose of the General's
horse appeared round the corner.
There is generally some reason, if
martinet. Others believe in the most
free-and-easy methods consistent with
efficiency. It becomes a little con-
fusing for the long-suffering private at
times. Yesterday, when I was acting
as Mess Orderly, the Battalion Orderly
Sergeant chanced to be of the martinet
type. At dinner-time he formed us up
in companies, called us to attention,
dressed us by the right, numbered us
in a series of stentorian and bark-like
orders, and sent us marching off in
fours to our respective cookhouses,
heads up and arms swinging, left, right,
man m a corner busily
sloping arms as lie mur-
murs to himself, " Twice
one are two ; twice two are
four ; twice three are six ;
twice four are eight." An-
other would be performing
the same action while mut-
tering " Mensa, mensa,
mensaw — mensae, mensae,
mensa — mensae, mensae,
mensas — mensarum, men-
sis, menszs." Yet another
would be reciting —
" There is a happy land
Far, far aicai/,
Where soldiers don't have stew
Three times a day."
And to justify the ex-
pectation— which in reality
we all nurse at the bottom of
our hearts — that some day
we shall be required at
left, right
Our Company Orderly
Corporal, of the opposite school, bore
it with resignation until we were out
of earshot. Then he said quietly,
'Halt! Fall out and <ret
you look for it, underlying even the ' grub ! "
your
most puzzling actions of the Army
authorities. Wo have recently been
issued with serge uniforms for the cold
weather, and I was at first surprised
to find room in my tunic for a pillow,
We strive to increase our impressive-
ness by rightly paying great attention
to ceremonial drill. No detail is con-
sidered too unimportant in our efforts
the Front, we do not neglect to train
assiduously in field work. If we expend
much facetious argument as to whether
shovels should properly be carried at
the trail or at the slope, and whether
the points of picks should or should
not be burnished daily, this does not
prevent us from getting underground
with great speed and efficiency when
the time comes to use them.
Privately I may confide to you that
we argue as follows : —
The best British troops are those
trained in India :
We are trained in India :
.'. we are the best British troops.
And we do our utmost to live up to it.
Yours ever,
ONE OF THE PUNCH BRIGADE.
P.S. — The Home Government lias
not, as we feared, entirely forgotten us.
We have just been officially informed
that we are entitled to benefit by the
maternity clauses of the Insurance
after perfection. Take, for example, ! Act on and after 1st November, 1915.
J)K< I;MI'.I:K -2-2, I'Jl.jl I'l'Vcif
-N( "' '"' NIK I."M><»\ < IIAIMVAIII
.
How DIB rt BAPPES?
Old Lady. "So, WILLIAM, YOU'VE COME BACK TO us WOUNDED, I HEAB.
Old Lady. "A. SHELL! OH, DEAR, DEAB! AND DID IT KXPLODK?"
William. "EXPLODE, MUM? Nor LIKELY. IT JCST CREPT SOFTLY op BEHIND — JXD MT m!"
William.
Jit*."
CASES.
By A V.A.D.
WINGFIELD HOUSE, the voluntary
hospital we were attached to, was an
off-shoot of St. Elmo's, the large and
dignified mother institution which was
supposed to feed us with patients when
it happened to remember our existence.
No wonder we thought we were for-
gotten when week after week went by
and the wards, which we had rubbed
and scrubbed and polished till we could
see our enthusiastic faces in practically
everything, were still lacking those
stricken heroes we longed to succour,
help and comfort. At last, in answer
to a tentative inquiry from our Com-
mandant, we received a rather curt
official intimation that we need not
expect any cases for at least a week.
On the strength of this the Matron
took the night off, the three trained
Sisters went home for the week-end,
and the ward -maids went to the
" pictures," leaving me and Doris and
the Commandant in charge, and rather
at a loose end. There was a lovely
big fire in the kitchen, so Doris and
I improved the shining hour by wash-
ing our hair, and we were just finishing
off the drying process when the Com-
mandant came in, and, being struck
by the soundness of the scheme,
followed our example. She had just
got to the lathery stage of the
shampoo when there came an impera-
tive knock at the entrance door. I
dropped my brush, bundled my hair
into niy cap, which fortunately is one
of the kind that covers a multitude of
sins, and went to see who it was.
There stood an R.A.M.C. man and a
big motor ambulance drawn up at
the gate.
"What have you got there?" I
gasped.
" Seven cases for you, Sister," he
replied cheerfully. " From St. Elmo's."
"Oh, but — ' I cried; "there's
some mistake. We were told none
were coming till next week."
The R.A.M.C. man shook his head.
" J don't know anything about that,
Sister," he said. "This is Wingfield
House. My orders was to bring 'em
here, and I can't take 'em back."
" Oh no, of course not," I said hastily,
niy head in a whirl.
" My mate '11 give me a hand to bring
'em in," he continued briskly ; " ana
we '11 set 'em down in the 'all till you
show us where to take "em."
I flew to the kitchen with the news,
and I shall never forget the expression
on our Commandant's face as she lifted
it from the basin. But she was pi-cut.
Giving her hair a quick mop up with
a towel, she thrust it into her cap, had
her apron on in a jiffy, and. ignoring
the soapy water trickling down her
back, gave orders as if she were on
parade. The discipline and training
Doris and I had undergone told too.
Spurred by heavy footsteps in the
entrance and the sound of helpless
burdens bring carefully set down, in
less than ten minutes we had the
fire blazing in the ward, the beds
turned down, kettles boiling and COCOA
simmering, and everything ready to
hand. Then, led by the Commandant,
we went to receive our first CMM,
and found that the H.A.M.C. men had
triumphantly deposited in the hall —
seven cases of blankets !
"Lady recommend* Woman, tired with bar
six years, plain cook, or would go abroad with
lady, look aftor children, or Ireland."
Horning Paper.
Mr. BIRRELL might be glad of her as
an under-study.
"The Board of Guardian* on Wednesday
considered the question of Christina* extra*
f«r tho Workhouse inmate*, and decided to
curtail tho festive fare. On this occasion roast
beef will take the place of boiled beef, and the
quantity per bead is to be 6-oa. instead of the
usual four and a half."
Kait Grins/rod Otaerctr.
The delighted inmates are ready for any
; amount of curtailment on these lines.
508
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [DECEMBER 22, 1015.
A WOUNDED HERO.
(By ONE OF THEM).
I LAID my head back comfortably
against the pillows and glanced at
Eleanor sideways.
" And now," I said, " you must never
forget that I am a wounded hero —
wounded hero, that is, as long as 1 am
wounded, and then of course a hero
pure and simple. This implies that
our relative positions will not be quite
what they were before the \Yitr."
Eleanor looked at me suspiciously.
I should explain that she has an in-
credibly low opinion of my activities
in every field of human endeavour that
I have so far entered. She has also
a scorn for my personal appearance,
which in her less imaginative moments
renders her most unwilling to be seen
with me at public functions. Indeed,
it lias always been a source of per-
manent and unconcealed amazement to
her relations and of modified surprise
and gratification to myself that she
should ever have chosen me for a
husband at all. But that is another
story, which I will tell upon another
occasion.
" Pooh," said Eleanor.
I allowed a soupqon of pain to mingle
with the " wounded hero " look which
I had been practising in front of the
looking-glass every morning for a fort-
night and was wearing at the moment.
" But if I am not a wounded hero
is it not clear," said I, with a happy
touch of the Socratic method, "is it
not clear that I must be a wounded
coward ? Perhaps you suggest," said I
with growing heat, " that I myself shot
myself through the leg ? " (I was suf-
fering from the uncomplicated passage
of a German bullet through my thigh).
Eleanor was by this time frankly
scornful. "My dear child," she said,
" no one who looks like you look could
ever be a real hero," and she gave me
one of her firm glances, clearly expect-
ing by decisive treatment at the start to
banish this latest bogie from my brain.
"That's because your mother brought
you up on novels in which the hero
stood six-foot-odd in his stockings, had
eyes of ilame and an unnatural supply
of honey-coloured hair. Such men are
out of date nowadays. Their height
would prove fatal to them in a trench
even if their constitution proved equal
to the preliminary hardships. No,
Eleanor, heroes nowadays are made oi
less obvious stuff."
I closed my eyes, an invalid ruse
which I often found effective. Were
she less invincibly attractive in all
her ways I should describe Eleanor'
comment as something between a
snufHe and a sniff.
" There are proud moments ahead of
you," I went on. " As, for example,
when you are able to drive by my side
round and round Hyde Park in rny
grandparents' motor. Picture to your-
self how the women in the crowd will
nudge each other as wo glide under the
arch at Hyde Park Corner ; how they
will murmur" Lucky girl ! Lucky girl ! ' "
I paused a moment for any com-
ments which Eleanor might make on
this sunny forecast. I judged, how-
ver, from her expression that her
thoughts were not on the happy tour
which I had been planning for her. I
felt that I must strike a nobler note.
" And then nothing is more certain
than that the KING and QUEEN will
visit this hospital," I went on. " Twice
already since I was here it has been
reported that Their Majesties were
coming ; and if the startling conse-
quences which this announcement has
had upon the flagging energies of the
V.A.D.'s. have sometimes tempted me
to doubt whether the rumour started so
far away as Buckingham Palace there
is little doubt that, upon the next occa-
sion, Their Gracious Majesties will by
their actual presence in our midst
banish so unworthy a suspicion."
I stopped to recover my breath
after this unexpectedly long sentence.
Eleanor's eyes were far away.
" On that day the procedure will be
something like this," I said, looking
prophetically out of the window. " My
bed will be placed in a prominent posi-
tion upon the hospital lawn. I shall
wear rny green pyjamas and a brown
woolly waistcoat secured by a safety-
pin at the throat. The fissure in my
leg will be hidden beneath a red
blanket. The drawn expression on my
face will be released into a slightly wan
smile as the Royal couple approach. I
shall indicate you standing behind me
at a suitable distance with Griselda in
your arms, and I shall say, 'Perhaps
Your Majesties will allow me to intro-
duce to you my spouse and little one.'
Whereupon you, wearing that jolly hat
with little side wings that I like so
much "- — I glanced at Eleanor to see
how this subtle compliment had been
received, and discovered her with chin
on her hand obviously paying no atten-
tion to what I was saying — "wearing
that hat with rooks' wings projecting
on each side which always attracts so
much attention," I resumed fiercely
and was rewarded by a flicker of
Eleanor's eyelids, "will advance with
dignity towards the Royal party. It
might quite well happen," I said,
" that they, observing the satisfactory
nature of our offspring, should confer
some suitable military or other dis-
tinction upon me."
" I can't make up my mind," said
Eleanor slowly, " whether to put
Griselda into short clothes to-morrow
or whether to wait till next month."
But a quarrel was averted by our
daughter and, as we sometimes with
ill-founded optimism describe her, our
heiress. She had been asleep in my
arms for at least ten minutes, but now
awoke with small cries which developed,
as she observed my nioustached and
still unfamiliar countenance, into a
consecutive wail.
" There, there — did she want her
mother, then?" said Eleanor quickly
and, not without satisfaction, taking
her from me.
That, I find, is one of the great dis-
advantages of a family of throe in its
initial stages. I am always the oppo-
sition, and my most flawless reasoning
is always crushed by that solid majority
of two. But Eleanor is generous in
victory.
" You '11 let me know in plenty of
time if the KING and QUEEN are really
coming, won't you?" she said, and
kissed me.
There was irony in that kiss, cer-
tainly ; but I still think that there was
about it also a dash of something
which I had never noticed in similar
signs of recognition vouchsafed to me
before the War.
SOUTHAMPTON.
THE sky is grey and the clouds are
weeping;
Winter wails in the wind again ;
Night with her eyes bedimmed comes
creeping ;
The sea is hidden in dusk and rain.
This is the gate of the path that leads us
Whither our duty the goal has set ;
This is the way Old England speeds
us — •
Darkness, dreariness, wind and wet !
This is the gate where battle sends us,
Gaunt and broken, in pain and pride;
This is the welcome Home extends us —
Weeping rain on the cold grey tide.
Would we have balmy sunshine glowing
Over the blue from the blue above ?
Rather the rain and the night wind
blowing,
Rather the way of the land we love !
More Material for Sir A. Markham.
" Recruiting officers from Luton were again
in attendance at the Infants' School on Tues-
day afternoon for the purpose of attestation of
recruits, when a good number of eligiblcs were
dealt with." — Luton News.
"At Oldham Private John , aged 1,
was charged with being an absentee from the
West Riding Rcgimrtii ."
Dundee Evening Telegraph.
Dr.. KMUEB 22, 1915.] 1T.\< |[, ni; '1 1 1 K LONDON < II Ai:iY.\l:l.
•
WHAT THE REVUE WILL HAVE TO COME TO.
KXTIUSCE OF MALE BgACTV ClIOBCi.
AKD DASCK A " f.l!t /•'
THE LEADING LADT AND JEUNE TBEMIKII
SISG A LOVE DUET
BOV* os SKA AND
PATRIOTIC FISALB. On
510
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [DECEHBEH 22, 1915.
CHRISTMAS AMENITIES.
German Sentry. "SHALL WE ZING YOU ZOME CABOLS TO CHEER YOU OOP?"
English Sentry. "NOA! SING us SOMETHING FUNNY. SING us THE "YMN OF 'ATE' I'
YOUNG ROBIN RED.
WHY, from the point of view of
man, is the robin the most sociable of
birds? Why is he less affrighted by
the phenomenon of a human being
than any other feathered thing ? I
look in vain to the ornithologists for
the reason. AUDUBON cannot tell me,
MOREIS withholds the answer, and
BOWDLEB SHAKPE is dumb. They can
be great on his changing waistcoat,
loquacious on his Winter song, and
even too informative for a sensitive
reader on his distressing habit of killing
his parents ; but they leave the reason
of his passion for gardeners, his adora-
tion for woodcutters, a mystery. ' And
not only is the reason a mystery, but
the very presence of the bird is a
mystery too, for at one moment there is
not a robin within miles, and there at
the next, with the first prod at the earth,
with the first fall of the chopper, a red-
breast has materialised — saucy, saga-
cious, critical, vigilant.
It wa«, I fancy, DAN LENO who first
remarked that he loved work ; he could
stand, he added, for hours and watch
men working. Many have said it since,
for low comedians are not too nice
about repetition, but DAN, I believe,
began it, and one almost thinks he got
it from a robin. For it is the robin's
ideal of pleasure — to watch men work,
and especially, as I say, gardeners and
woodcutters. That a gardener should
be popular is natural enough, for he
is continually turning over fresh mould
and revealing new and succulent articles
of diet ; and yet I don't think the
robin's is cupboard love either. I have
observed a robin watching a gardener
for long periods and he has never
touched food ; and the woodcutter's
toil is of course wholly unproductive
of nutrition. It must be on the robin's
part an honest liking for human society,
mixed with curiosity and possibly a
freakish pleasure in playing the fore-
man, the gaffer. Certainly no gaffer,
not even the most detested, ever did
less or surveyed more searchingly.
Let us then leave it as a blend of
inquisitivencss and friendliness ; but
why the thrush is devoid of it, and
the sparrow and the goldfinch and the
wagtail, is a problem for the Gilbert
Whites of our day. These birds almost
equally haunt the lawn, but at the
first sight of man they are off.
One particular robin that I have in
mind is so fascinated by the spectacle
of the labourer, no matter in what
capacity, that to-day he actually paid
attention to me, who do no more than
drive a reluctant pen. I had occasion
j to consult a book in a garden room, and
he observed me walking thither and fol-
lowed. The day for once being sunny
I left the door open ; and in new the
robin to see what on earth I could be
about. I reached down one volume,
he perched on another — a dictionary.
That displeasing him, he flew to a row
of DICKENS ; from these to a new novel
on the table, then to a bust of JULIUS
C.ESAE, and again to LILLYWHITE'S
Scores and Biographies. It was then
that I came away, the robin preceding
me by a couple of yards. All the way
back to the house he flitted about me,
so that I felt like an Italian prince I
once saw leaving Venice, after a civic
ceremony, in his motor-boat, escorted
by aeroplanes.
Half-an-hour later I chanced to go
into the kitchen, and there the robin was
again, watching the cook. Two persons
in so small a room being too much for
him, ho made for the door, not in the
' foolish panicky stylo of the ordinary
' bird that has strayed indoors, but with
[ quiet precision.
And now I am wondering if science
that can do so much cannot utilise and
direct this remarkable gift of espionage.
Flitting silent as a spirit and resented
by no man, not even a German, what
valuable information a robin might
collect, and, crossed with a parrot, what
valuable information he might impart !
-UTHB LONDON r,,u:,V.l,:,
EELUCTANT SWAINS.
GEHMANIA (under the mistletoe). " DO YOU KNOW YOU'RE THE ONLY THRU I I.KMKN
WHO'VE KISSED ME?"
THE DAUNTLESS THREE (aside). " AND WE COULDN'T VERY WELL GET OUT OF IT ! "
]),:,,:M,;KU '22, 1915.] PUNCH, UK TIIK U»NlM»N ( 'I I A KI V A Kl.
ESSENCE
OF PARLIAMENT.
TIIK DlAUY Of To»Y, M.I'.)
l'i:i:\in:u \\<ni]ilii't lic.ir of sm-li ;i m.-l.'\ ;ui<-y, ho vra» entreated t-.
thing. Income of Ministers ami V.
is, he said, taxed in eomi i I 'ill extet:
iriu
ding :
(ExTiiACTKi) FUOM TIIK DixiiY OF Tony. M.I'.) hers irt, ho said, taxed in I-MIIIIII..II /; ,
House of Commons, Mon/luii, !>,>,•, 'in- \\ith other classes of tin- cnnniim resent
Icr 13//1. — Profound mystery broods Pressed hy succession of ques1
over fate of K JOXKS. Member for rose to full height of his commanding To t
. e or rose o u eg o s commanng o
Merthyr-Tydvil. Has not for more personality. Unconsciously itssun
than a fortnight been seen injiis usual attitude reminiscent of AJAX def;
I 1 1 til 1 tii M'liiii^iii/ i ;v *y 11 r>v. v, 1 1 111 11 ID n niun itiiiiMiiiT iuiiiiiimk,*jiJb * '» . * • •. v miim^ //•.'' V
hiiunts, including I l<mso of Commons, the lightning, ho saM. "I take/ my I>I:KI<Y.
J 1 1 1 11 M I n. DUO UKU VUlUKj I IU OulU| A %C»MU I -1,1 I9**»|C •
Rumoured he lias accepted service salary and am going to continue taking i* to
in ranks of Y.M.C.A. UNDKK-KKOIK- it."
TARY FOB WAR, pressed for information, Great
loftily replied, " I do not represent the Members
Young Men's Christian Association in \
this House."
That made clear, committed
himself to statement that missing
Member had "gone to tho Near
East " — personal addresses neces-
sarily vague just now — under
auspices of the Association.
MARKIIAM, always practical, sug-
gested that the vagrant should
be captured, brought home and
enrolled as a recruit under
Lord DERBY'S scheme. Cold water
thrown. on proposal by expression
of doubt" whether the hon. Member
•was " big enough round the
chest."
Subject dropped. Member for
Merthyr left missing.
" Curious how phrases recur,"
mused the MEMBER FOB SARK.
" TENNANT protesting that he does
not represent the Young Men's
Christian Association (which he
might well do) recalls BOBBY
SPENCER'S famous declaration
which, some time in the last
century, amused a crowded House.
Interposing in debate on a question
relating to wages of farm labourers,
BOBBY, dressed in height of fashion,
his lofty collar gleaming round his
stately neck, turned languid eyes
upon the SPEAKER, and remarked,
•Sir, I am not an agricultural
labourer.' "
Business 'done. — CHANCELLOR OF .EX-
CHEQUER moved Second Reading of
Bill authorising purchase of all suitable
American and Canadian securities held
in this country. Some criticism of de-
tails by financial experts. But Second
Reading conceded without dissent.
Tuesday.— Question of payment of
Members to the front again. On this
occasion Ministers roped in. COWAN
asked whether in order to reinforce by
example appeals for personal sacrifice
addressed by Ministers of the Crown to
all classes of the community the PRIME
MINISTER would take steps to reduce
by not less than twenty-five per cent,
emoluments of public servants, includ-
ing Ministers and private Members ot
House of Commons, in receipt of salaries
_
• ii]H>n liia Itec
I Jllt»ll I 11 in r I I I t *v • W
weight lifted from mind of met \vr
uneasily watching growth of this chilly utmospha
warmth r.i
^
lent. If Ministers will •• humlon-
sent to reduction < f their salaries why ! ous, unremitting, v ••<defforUto
bring nn • colours recog-
nised by Lord CBKWE in
speech of graceful congratuht
KB OF THE HOI-HE said,
HY is better fitted than
any ' antic task
Mi^ht have put it
TIIE PEIME MISISTEB DEFIES ASSAULTS oa ma
6ALARY.
should private Members be called upon
to illustrate their lectures on economy
and self-denial on part of general public
jy relinquishing portion of the £400 a
year which they voted to themselves
m time of peace and prosperity?
Loud cheers supported PRIME MINIS-
TER in his heroic determination.
COWAN, now and later, had rather a
td time with the Four-Hundred-
j.ounders. His conversation with
PREMIER interrupted by apparently
irrelevant questions.
" Will the right hon. gentleman,
one asked the PREMIER, "consider tho
high profit of manufacturers of penny-
in-the-slot gas meters '.'"
Gas meters turned on again in cours.
of COWAN'S speech on moving rejection
Bill. Called to order
.
h.> is the nnly man v.
iiml able to do tho work,
personal qualities, his experience,
military and civil, his friendly rela-
tions with all classes throughout
the country, ix.litical and social,
combine to give him a unique
position. History will write main
glowing pages recording individual
achievements since tho War began
None is more splendid than that
of the man who succeeded ii
stirring the nation to the pitch o
enthusiasm that makes possible
the placing in the field of a fourtl
million of trained soldiers.
Dttsincss done.— Bill to n:
Munition Act read a second time
in Commons.
Thursday.— ATTOBNEY-CT.SI I'\T..
standing at Table to announce
on behalf of self and SOIJCITOB-
( ; I.M n u. voluntary rolinquishmcnt
of considerable portion of their
Ministerial income presented noble
figure to yearning eyes of almost
crowded House.
Whilst others have been talkm
about self-sacrifice, with general tend-
ency, strongly marked, to press its
observance upon tho favourable atten-
tion of their neighbours, the Law
Officers of the Crown have simply
achieved it. They save an exchequer
drained by unprecedented expenditure
for war purposes a joint sum amount-
ing to £10,000 a year. If that be not
enough they " are prepared to c
to any reduction our colleagues in tho
Government or the House of Con
consider is required by the necc
of the case."
If this doesn't fetch the Four-Hun-
dred-Pounders nothing will.
Business done.— Increase of Rent Bil
and other Government measures ad-
514 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [DECEMBER 22, 1915.
IF WE HAD BEEN PRUSSIANS.
SCENES FROM A REVISED HISTORY OF GREAT BRITAIN.
Ki>w.4Ri> III. (to QVKEX PHU.IFPA, after the taking of Calais). " WOMAN, YOU MEDDLE. WAR is WAR !
BESIDES, YOU ARE TOO LATE."
KITTY: A WAR PORTRAIT.
FOUB years ago, when down at Sheen,
I stayed with Hale, a college crony,
My godchild Kitty, just fifteen,
Lived mainly for her dogs and pony ;
She was a cheerful, slangy kid ;
She played a dashing game of hockey ;
And everything she said or did
Was " rotten," or " top-hole," or
" rocky."
Then Kitty took a studious line,
And sought to "petrify her tutors" ;
She banned the British Philistine,
And sniffed at cricketers and shooters ;
She read and acted in Greek Plays,
Discountenanced the social scurry,
And spent laborious nights and days
With SOPHOCLES and GILBERT
MUBEAY.
Another year came swiftly round,
And, yielding to a primal passion,
Miss Kitty in the van was found
Among the votaries of fashion ;
Her hair was up, her skirts were down ;
She made a cult of modish follies ;
And Pekinese of golden-brown
Supplanted her devoted collies.
Then came the War, and all the traits
Whose growth her elders were afraid of
Dislimned, revealing to our gaze
The real stuff that she was made of ;
Rebuking, too, the cynic pens
That quoted the Virgilian notum
Quid possit femina furens,
And showing us the New Factotum,
With both her brothers at the Front,
Her father working at munitions,
She found the ancient pleasure-hunt
Repugnant to her new ambitions ;
She cooked; she nursed; she sold her car ;
She felt "more natural without it";
She ran the house without a jar
And never made a song about it.
There was no stricken household near,
No home too intimate with sorrow,
But gathered from her words of cheer
Solace and strength to face the
morrow ;
And when the wounded saw her come
To sing them songs or write their
letters,
The grinding pains that grip and numb
Seemed to relax their cruel fetters.
So when I met the other day
This new, transformed, ennobled
Kitty
The gold had triumphed o'er the clay,
For pride was swallowed up in pity.
O woman, everlasting sphinx,
'Tis not the least of War's surprises
Tli at from the ashes of a minx
A ministering angel rises !
A Christmas Tip.
"When you burst send to Blank's, New
Street." — Advt. in " Worcester Times."
From a Parliamentary report : —
" Mr. Cowan (L.) rising to move the rejec-
tion of the Bill . . . Mr. Thome (turning to
Mr. Gown) : — ' Go on : turn on the gas-meter.
(Laughter.) Mr. Cowen (proceeding) . . .' "
Evening Paper.
It is a pity Mr. COHEN is no longer in
the House, or he might have had a
hand in this coincidence.
" It is a difficult matter to keep the custom
of the Mayor and Corporation officially attend-
ing the Parish Church alive."
Prorincial Paper.
The dead-head habit is so easily picked
up at the theatre.
" Mr. McKonna said that there were a
number of useful questions to facilitate saving
by wage earners, and he would bring these
before the committee which was going to in-
vestigate the honeymoon." — The People.
We trust this does not presage a tax on
matrimony.
22, 1915.]
OR TIIK !.<>N|H)N rHAKIVAKI.
518
HOW TO TOUCH TIIK \\OHK INC
MAN'S POCKI'.T.
DEAR MR. PI-NCH, — You will have
gathered by this time that I never like
to l>e left out of any nc\vs)iii]»'i- ,i
sion that is going on, and I \\ish to
assure you that 1 never put any restric-
tion upon the publication of my \
You are quite at liberty to make any
use you like of my opinions upon how
the War Loan is to be introduced t<>
the. Working Man. A lot of weighty
statements have already been made,
explaining to us the preferences of the
Working Man. There must, we are
told, be no fluctuations because he
doesn't like them, and no use of the
words per centum because he doesn't
understand them. There must be no
vouchers because he has nowhere to
keep them. There must be no distant
date of repayment because he won't
wait, and no conversion rights because
he distrusts them. Again, the amount
must be paid by instalments, so that
he may be led to confuse the thing
with, furniture and goose-clubs. Fin-
ally— and this is crucial — (a) the money
must be collected in the works ; (6) the
money must be collected in the home.
Such, Sir, is the current picture of
the Working Man. I cannot say that
I recognise him, but all the same I
think we might set to work to smooth
away these little difficulties and thereby
open a clear path to success.
We can, in the first place, stop fluc-
tuations once and for all by legislation
which shall nail the loan to perpetual
par. Anyone paying either more or
less can be stuck in gaol, under the
Defence of the Realm Act, for creating
undue depression or inducing undue
elation in the KINO'S subjects. No
difficulty there. Again, there need be
no trouble about the phrase per centum.
It need not be mentioned. A plain fact
should be stated in plain language. Let
our motto be, " A tanner on every quid
twice a year." That should be printed
in bold type at the top of the scrip.
But this raises the question of scrip.
Paper must be avoided at all costs.
The Working Man distrusts paper,
is altogether too handy as a pipe-light
when matches run short ; besides, i;
he sticks it in a drawer, it is apt to get
down the back ; besides, in any other
safe place the spring cleaning is certain
to find it out, and we cannot be sure
that the War will be over by the
Spring. But why, Sir, need we insist
on paper? It is" a mere convention.
The suggestion that the amount be
tattooed on the holder's arm I reject,
simply because, looking ahead to the
time when the issue is redeemed, I can
see no way out of it but amputation.
GLOOMY FORECAST OF
DURATION OF THE
by >ii« mother).
But there are other tokens, symbols or
emblems besides paper. Nay, more,
an opportunity opens up here lor
killing a second bird with the same
old stone, by using the Government's
acknowledgment for brightening the(
home. Why, I ask you, should it
not take the form of a china dog I
the mantelpiece? One dog for each
pound subscribed. Ten dogs one time- ]
piece. Ten timepieces one framed and
signed portrait of Lord KITCHKNER.
do not insist upon dogs. Local custom
should be studied. There are districts
where a pewter mug might be preferred.
But can anyone quarrel with the prin-
ciple? I think not.
Finally, in this scheme for providing
concrete reminders of the investment,
_ . " -
the point about collecting by instal-
ments will be found to have solved
itself, as the application will be
practically equivalent to purchasing
Furniture on the easy-payment plan.
And. Sir, if it be really true that goose
clubs have such an enormous vogue
among the masses, why not throw in
a goose?
There is generally a happy solution
of our War difficulties if they are fairly
faced by people of imagination.
' I am, Yours as usual,
Si MISTK1AS.
Our Helpful Contemporaries.
" A Littlehampton allotment gardener ha«
dug up a parsnip forty -seven inches long-
about 4 feet."— Evening AVw>.
516
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [DECEMBER 22, 1915.
AT THE PLAY.
"Wiio is HE?"
SEVERAL influences had contributed
to make an eccentric of Lord Twyford of
Twyford (alias " Mr. Parker"). There
was his parentage for one. His mother
(I follow his own account) was an
angel, and his father prematurely bald
with a cast in his eye. On the female
side he had inherited a taste for anony-
mous charity, which took the form of
penny buns stuffed with half-crowns
and distributed to hungry people under
cover of darkness. The optical defect
of the other parent (his premature bald-
ness does not seem to have exerted any
hereditary influence) was no doubt a
determining factor in the son's choice
of the microscope as a medium for
nature -study. But, apart from this
predisposition to a habit of life unusual
in a Peer of the realm, his mind had
been incidentally deranged by an un-
fortunate affair of the heart. His lady,
jealous of the microscope which came
between them, had jilted him in favour
of a cousin of his, and the expenses of
their elopement had been met by a
forged cheque drawn in the name of
the aggrieved party.
Obeying that instinct for secretive-
ness which was so excellent a feature
in his philanthropy, Lord Twyford had
fled from the ridicule of Society and
under an assumed name had sought
the shelter of obscure lodgings, from
which he only emerged at nightfall.
Here the smallness of his bag and the
tendency to inconsequence in his speech
(the result of mental shock) might
justly have roused suspicions ; but the
vagaries of a ground-floor lodger, how-
ever limited his luggage and however
vague his explanations of himself, are
never too closely scrutinised so long as
he pays handsomely and in advance.
Unhappily, however, " Mr. Parker 's"
escapade coincided with a Jaek-the-
Ripper scare, and his most innocent
eccentricities (notably his nocturnal
largesse of buns) soon had a sinister
interpretation put upon them by a
vigilant police. The misunderstand-
ings that followed tended to develop
an atmosphere of general insanity, and
his landlady's behaviour, based upon a
conviction that all was not what it
should be in her lodger's head, fell
under a like suspicion on his part. In
the event, both his mind and the situ-
ation were cleared by the intervention,
respectively, of a rew love and an old
solicitor, and all ended well along the
simple lines of homely melodrama.
The charm of a scheme that has an
eccentric for its leading character is
that it gives you all the fun of farce
without its cruder buffooneries. His
AN INTERRUPTED PROPOSAL.
Reversing the old story, "Mr. Parker"
(Mr. HENRY AINLEY) actually says, "Shut
that door," but his lady-love understands
that " Je t'adore" is intended.
somersaults are mental and not phy-
sical. He does not catch his toe in a
material tin-tack ; he trips over a kink
in his brain. Of course, under favour-
able conditions his eccentricity is liable
to be infectious — to communicate itself
to those for whom nature had never
designed it ; and before you can turn
round you are over the borderland be-
tween comedy and farce. But in respect
"EXPENSIVE SIMPLICITY."
Irene Harding (Miss IRENE BROWNE) con-
trives to starve gracefully in Graf ton Street
frocks of the latest fashion.
of his protagonist the author can
always claim the perquisites of irre-
sponsibility. He can always say,
"This is a figure of comedy; just thus
and thus my creation would behave in
the life." Which indeed is unanswer-
able, for here there are no precedents
to follow and no rules to break. It is
true that my lord, by a disappearance
which was bound to get into the papers,
must defeat his own desire to escape
ridicule ; but then he is an eccsntric.
True that, for an alleged woman-hater,
he falls rather rapidly in love with the
first woman he meets after his jilting ;
but what would you ? He is an eccen-
tric. And we of the audience are just
as pleased as the author with this
transparent device ; we love to flatter
ourselves that we have the good sense
to prefer comedy to farce.
Mr. AINLEY, as he proved in the
more serious and sustained effort de-
manded of him in The Great Adventure,
is our one man for this kind of part. It
was a marvel how many fresh tricks of
voice and gesture he had invented to
distinguish his new character from the
one in the earlier play that so nearly re-
sembled it in its broader features. His
personality was an irresistible delight ;
but the success of the play — and he
would be the first to acknowledge it —
was not due to him alone ; he owed
much to the services of Miss CLAKE
GREET and Mr. FREDERICK GROVES as
the lodging-house-keepers. Types of
a commonplace humanity not easily
diverted from its fixed orbit, they
both made an admirable foil to his
eccentricity, and their closely-observed
realism set from the start the right
key of comedy.
With the character of Irene. Hcmlincf
neither Miss IRENE BROWNE nor the
author was quite happy. As for the
actress, she never looked the part of a
starved typist; the studied artistry of
her auburn chevelure and the expensive
simplicity of her frocks gave her a false
air. For the author, he put some Very-
indifferent talk into her mouth, and
constantly left her pendent in the
most embarrassing silences while he
busied himself with Mr. AINLEY. One's
sympathy is naturally prepared to go
out to any woman whose heart enter-
tains a Peer unawares, but we received
a very niggardly encouragement. And,
by the way, I venture to suggest that
Lord Tiryford of Twyford a little mis-
laid his nobility when he thought it
necessary to administer so much spark-
ling Moselle to the lady in order to
bring her to the point of accepting
his hand.
The unimportance of these plaints
must be the measure of my apprecia-
tion. I am not in a position to say
DECEMBER 22, 1915.]
YOU
Little Girl. "MUMMY, WHAT DO YOU THISK SANTA GLADS WILL BRING ME THIS CHBISTJIJUI?"
fo^ (< ' °H> PEBHAPS HE WOS>I °°** ral8 "^ H" MA« " *»« «
Girl. "I EXPECT THEY'LL PUT A WOXAH ox IMSTEAD."
. ASD THM WHAT WU*
in what exact proportions I should
pay my gratitude to Mr. VACHELL who
wrote the play, and to Mrs. BELLOC
LOWNDES who made the novel from
which it was " very freely " adapted ;
but between the two of them they put
Mr. AINLEY in the way of giving me an
extremely pleasant evening. 0. S.
"THEY ALSO SERVE
ACROSS the orchard you can see
from my study window the entrance
to the " Green Man." My wife is
always wanting to have trellis put up
to shut out the view.
How should we ever know the
;ime ? " has been my invariable reply.
You see every morning precisely
at eleven o'clock William, the sexton,
arrives at the entrance to the hostelry.
At a quarter past twelve Mrs. William
I don't think William possesses a sur-
name) chases him out to come to
dinner. When I discovered William's
admirable punctuality I utilised him
;o check our clocks. It became a habit
n our home to say, " You 've plenty
if
the train. The dining-
five minutes fast by
is
time for
•oom clock
\Villiam."
Even my wife recognised the useful-
less of William, though with feminine
ngratitude she lectured Mrs. William
at the Mothers' Meeting on the ad-
vantages of temperance. Once Mrs.
William retaliated, " Ah, Mum, I see
you know what the 'errors of drink
are in a "ome."
Months before London went dry in
the mornings our district was scheduled
by the Board and a stern decree or-
dained that no licensed premises should
open till twelve. The rule did not in-
terfere with me who have given up the
Hun lager which I drank in the happy
times of peace. But I thought with
horror of its effect on William.
At five minutes to eleven on the first
morning of the new order I was at
my window watching for William. I
wanted to see the effect of the mental
shock upon him. Could lie break the
habit of a generation ? At ten seconds
to eleven he appeared in the road and
with his customary deliberation ap-
proached the door.
" Can it be possible that no one has
warned the poor old man ? " I thought.
" What will he do when he finds that
friendly door closed ? "
I expected something superb in the
way of dramatic denunciation. To
my amazement William never even
tapped at the door. He placed himself
on the seat at the side of the porch and
waited there solemnly till twelve o'clock.
'When he arrived the following morn-
ing at his usual time I went across to
speak to him.
" This new regulation is very trying,
William," I said.
" Not a bit. Sir. not a bit," replied
William cheerily.
" But you find it dull sitting hero ? "
" Not mo, Sir. I 'm goin' to show
that other William that 'owever 'e
tries 'e can't put me out o' my regular
ways. Thirty-five year 'ave I
coming 'ere at eleven o'clock and no
'Un 's goin' to upset me."
" But you haven't time to get your
beer."
"If a man's got the proper spirit,
Sir, 'e can manage it. Once it was
just sip, sip with me, now it 'B swaller,
swaller ; and I gets my two pinto in.
We're goin' to win this War and I
got to do my bit — and my bit moans
no interference with reglar 'abits and
no grumblin'."
When Parliament is sitting and I
have the blues about the War — strange
that I never have the blues whilst
Parliament is in recess— I look out
for William, and his confident advent
brightens my day. I see the determina-
tion in his face, and whatever the
Cabinet may do I know that our
William will wear out the person
he cuttingly alludes to as "the other
William."
518
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [DECEMBER 22, 1915.
SINISTER BONDAGE;
Olt,
MINUTE BY MINUTE.
BY COMPTON SOMERSET MACKENZIE MAUGHAM.
i.
MICHAEL'S condition was atramental, of that there could
be no doubt. Nor was ho surprised to discover that,
having walked due West since breakfast, which he had
preferred not to eat, for the bloater had reminded him too
poignantly of Lily's favourite supper dish, he was now
pointing East with a slight inclination to North. Would
his search never end? He wondered vaguely how his
mother and his sister would greet him, in the improbable
event of his over seeing them again in the fuliginous
atmosphere of Chelsea. Why had he said what he had
unquestionably said to both of them';' Dulcedinous mem-
ories crowded tunmltuously into his mind. He saw himself
again at Oxford buying first editions of WALTER PATER,
drinking port and eating crystallized fruit at the J. C. E.,
making hay in a bad man's rooms, and generally making
himself as disagreeable as possible to everybody he met.
Had he really been the self-conscious and conceited prig
that these memories pictured him as being? He supposed
so, and the hypothesis filled him with delight. And now
he lived with a murderer in Tosspot Street with a view
to discovering Lily and eventually to becoming a Eoman
Catholic priest, after spending eight hundred pounds a year
in purchasing mansions in various parts of London. Life
was indeed a strange mixture. He shook himself and
proceeded with his walk.
II.
As Michael neared the Thieves' Kitchen where he pro-
posed to have his supper ho became aware that someone
was following him, someone whose footsteps made a curi-
ous clippity - cloppity sound on the pavement. In a flash
Michael realised that it must be Philip who was thus pur-
suing him, and he turned round and confronted him.
" Look here," said Michael angrily, " why do you follow
me like that ? This is my beat, and I can't allow anyone
with a club foot to come dogging me as you do."
Philip blushed deeply, which was a way he had when his
deformity was harshly alluded to.
"By what right," he said bitterly, " do you presume to
in the same places. Shall we search together?"
"If you like," murmured Michael, too tired to resist as
he felt he ought to.
"Then," said Philip, "I will first tell you the story of
my life in all its details."
"And I," said Michael, "will afterwards tell you the
story of mine."
"Agreed," said Philip; "but I warn you not to be
shocked. I have some dreadful things to relate ; " and he
told him how he had been born club-footed ; how he had
grown up and dabbled in painting in Paris without the
least success ; how he had all but poisoned his uncle, who
had made a will leaving him his money ; how he had nearly
starved in London and been an assistant in a dressmaker's
shop ; and how he had betrayed the daughter of the friends
who had rescued him from starvation and given him food
and lodging in his misery. As he finished the first beams
of the rising sun had begun to touch the houses with a
golden glow and the furtive night-shapes were flitting back
to their dens. Michael had fallen into a deep silence, though
at the outset he had shown his usual tendency to interrupt.
At last he spoke.
" To-morrow," he said, " if you will meet me at the same
place I will tell you my story. I too have suffered ; great
God, how I have suffered ! " — he brushed away his tears with
a bright movement of his hand — " and I find in you a
sympathiser, in spite of the terrible fact that you are a
medical student. No matter," he added impulsively, " we
are both degenerates, and Unit is a great thing."
" Yes," said Philip, "it has made us what we are. You
with your club-footed mind and I with my club-footed foot,
we o\vo more than we can express to degeneracy. And
now let us pursue our search."
They linked arms and moved, supperless but united,
towards the dawn.
(To be continued indefinitely elsewhere.}
THE TROOPER.
I 'VE hollowed my back in the riding school,
Broken my neck and been damned for a fool,
Learnt to parry and p'oiut and guard
Till my arm was lead and my wrist went dead,
Wisped my fklgetting long-faced pard
Till he shone with a silky shine ;
Learning " how " in the Cavalry,
The jaunty, jingling Cavalry,
What rides on the right o' the line.
Now here am I like a blinded mole,
Toil in a furrow and sleep in a hole
Dug in a grave twelve foot by three,
My strappings bust and my spurs all rust
With nothing but two mud walls to see
Sluiced with a driving sleet — •
Me that was in the Cavalry,
The saucy, swaggering Cavalry,
Slogging my two flat feet !
I thinks all day an' I dreams all night
Of a slap-bang, Tally-Ho open fight,
One good chance on the open plain,
Then knee to knee, like a wave of the sea,
We '11 blood our irons again and again
In thundering squadron line ;
We '11 give 'em a taste of the Cavalry,
The only original Cavalry,
And gallop 'em over the Rhine.
A Sinister Proposal.
One of the contributors to a discussion on "The Price
of Milk" in The Western Daily Press is "A Bristol East
Dairyman," who begins his letter: — " SIB, — Let us go to
the fountain-head."
In The Border Counties Advertiser the Shropshire
Yeomanry is asking for recruits " height 3 ft. 3 inches and
upwards." This Bantam business is being a little bit
overdone.
"LIQUOR IN THE WRONG PLACE.
"At tbo Ormskirk Sessions, to-day, a youth employed at the
Bickerstaffo Collieries was fined two guineas for takiii gintoxicating
liquor into the mine." — Provincial Paper.
Something else besides liquor seems to have got into the
wrong place.
" WAXTKD — Ilespectuble and quiet home offered to parents desirous
of leaving one child with good motherly lady, age 8 years upwards."
Statesman, Calcutta.
The maternal instinct develops very early in the East.
First Tommy. " ULLO, MATE, AN* LUCK?"
Second Ditto. "No, 'TAIN'T NO BLOOMIS' GOOD WITH THEJI BLIGHTERS DISTUBB»' THE WATEB LIKE THIS."
Do
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)
you want a tonic for pessimists, and one that, as
the medical advertisements say, shall not be an evanescent
stimulant, but a real food for brain and heart and nerves ?
I can think of no better description of the book to which
Mr. STEPHEN PAGET has given the name Essays for Soys
and Girls (MACMILLAN). Do not be misled by the modesty
of the Preface, in which the author says, " This book is for
boys and girls only." It is not. It is for us all. There
is no one of us but can feel strengthened by and profoundly
grateful for such essays upon the War as these. Doubt-
less you know already the charm of manner that Mr. PAGET
will bring to the discussion of his theme. These pages
are full of it ; and the effect of them, their sincerity
and simplicity, and the fine spirit that they reveal, is
profoundly moving. I should like to quote, but that I
despair of finding any one extract that would give you an
idea of the original ; because there seems none of all
the perplexities and sorrows and compensations of these
tremendous days upon which we might not listen with
advantage to so brave and persuasive a counsellor. Perhaps
the chapter to which I should most like to call your
attention is that headed "A Venture of Faith." To see
the good that is working in all these horrors, and to write
of it sanely and smilingly, without pose or any kind of
affectation, that surely is no small thing. Read especially
the passages of real beauty in which Mr. PAGET speaks of
the consolation of knowing about some loved one at the
Front that ho is almost certainly far happier than ourselves
who stay behind. " To be on active sen-ice is to be living
and working, set, like a diamond in a watch, at the exact
centre of a nation's fato." That is one of many phrases that
hold my memory. As a pictorial comment on the subjects of
the essays the book contains sixteen cartoons, upon which,
as they come from his own pages, Mr. Punch can say
nothing more than that it is pleasant for him to see them
in alliance with a text of such high aim and dignified
achievement.
This, they toll us, is to be a Russian Christmas. And a
very good kind of Christmas that is. Anyhow, the Slavonic
note, already sounded in our theatres and costume-shops,
has now spread to the nursery ; and one of its echoes is the
appearanco of a volume of fairy tales, collected and trans-
lated from old Russian chap-books by Mr. ROBEBT STF.EI.K,
and published under the title of The Russian Garland
(M< HHIDK), with a cover and six fascinating coloured
pictures by Mr. J. R. DB ROSCIS/.EWSKI. This is altogether
as it should be. In the time that is, I trust, coming, of
greater social communion with our wonderful Eastern
ally, it will be pleasant for little John and Ivan to be
iblo to share sucli jolly memories, as for example how
Lyvbim was befriended by the wolf, or how the horse of
Prince Aslratch flew over hills and towns. The odd tiling
s, however, the extent to which this volume reveals the
;ales of fairydom as already the common property of child-
lood. Here is a self-playing harp, a duck that lays golden
eggs, and many other friends of our youth. Only the
Dotting is different ; but it is this that will provide a splendid
now thrill for the special and very critical audience to whom
520
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [DECEMHEH 22, 1915.
the book is addressed. Mr. EOSCISZEWSKI has caught the
atmosphere of Inn-baric pearls and gold to a nicety. His
L -I • ,1 l__'_ !• _ _f
river's brim is to me just a willow, and not a sinister sentient
being who for tuppence will strangle me with sinuous
caricature that nurseries most appreciate. I hope there it is hateful to have driven into one this conviction of sin.
may be many in which 'I'll,' J!i'-.xian Garland will this year | The fact is I was distinctly annoyed with Uncle Fi-li.c for
find a place amo.i"st their other seasonable decorations. hiking Jnili/, Tim and Maria, who were simply the nicest
^5 • • i i l i • i n i p ji •_. _i. ._ ; ,i.,:i,, llf-i. ,.,,.!
Mr. A. G. BENSON'S latest volume, Escape, and Other
imaginable children, out of their charming daily life and
drawing thorn away over the border. I wish Mr. BLACK-
".*'.. 11
Essays (SniTH, ELDER) may bo brieily described as a ! WOOD would bottle his bogey for once and let us have such
double-barrelled apology — in the text, for the existence of an intimate and humorous account of lovable simple things
its dream-loving author in a world of affairs; in the preface,
for its own peaceful presence in the time of war. The
argument, convincing enough it seems to me, is pretty much
the same in each case, namely, that a civilisation which in
the stress of ordinary business
has need of the artist and poet
should, even when in convul-
sion, still find room for the
hopes and ideals of peace.
Anything more different from
a military despatch than these
pages can hardly be imagined,
and in spite of the high
courage involved in the public
declaration, in his essay en
"Authorship," that he never
refuses to give an opinion on
the unpublished MSS. of re-
cognised genius, I fail to pic-
ture anyone less pugnacious
than the author would have
himself appear in his deli-
berate, not to say complacent,
self-revelation. Here you will
find nothing more unrestful
than a little mild telepathy
and spiritism, a good deal of
admirable if not particularly
novel analysis, and quite a
notable exposition of the
author's own personality, all
expressed in language that has
purity and charm and, in its
lower rather than its more \
unscalable heights, recalls at :
any rate the less vigorous half
and folk as lie gives us in his first few chapters, which
couldn't be better done.
THE SADDEST SIGHT OF THE WAR.
A GERMAN PROFESSOR WHO HAS MISLAID HIS BEER TICKET.
In these days, when the facts of war are daily under our
eyes, the novelist who chooses
a lighting theme cannot well
complain if a super-excellent
standard of merit is demanded
of him. Mr. L. COPE Coux-
FOHD, when judged by such a
standard, passes — but with-
out distinction — in The Lord
lli'jh Admiral ( WILLIAMS AND
NOP.GATE). He passes because
he is the happy possessor both
of style and of a real know-
ledge of his subject, but he
fails to reach distinction be-
cause his hold upon our mind
and our emotions is not suffi-
ciently clinching. If, however,
he is to be judged by a less
exacting standard I grant him
worthy of your immediate
attention, and indeed, if only
for his stories that have noth-
ing whatever to do with fight-
ing, he has a claim upon our
gratitude. Possibly you are
already acquainted with some
of these tales, for I see
" acknowledgments " duly re-
corded ; but even so you will
not mind reading again " The
Almoner" and "The Photo-
graph" — the gems of this
of the BUSKIN to whom the writer owes so much. Of | collection. They prove that, with his gifted imagination,
the individual essays I think I like "Walt Whitman," i Mr. CORNFORD might easily afford to leave war-fiction to
"Literature and Life" and "School-days" as well as any; those writers for whom the obvious is an irresistible lure,
but honestly it is not so much what he says as the way
he says it that counts.
The Extra Day (MACMILLAN) is one of Mr. ALGERNON
BLACKWOOD'S now famous mystery tales, duly diluted for
children ; and if the mystical child survives into this day
of jangling telephones, mechanical toys and general sophis- 1 -nt ? We don,t beliove it.
tication there should be a happy audience for these topsy-
turvy adventures of Tim, Judij and Maria, Uncle Felix and
What our Nurses have to Suffer.
"No hospital ship has carried other than sick and wounded,
nurses, medical staff, and medical stores. All are permanently
painted as required by the Geneva Convention." — The lied Cross.
Is that how our nurses always manage to look as fresh as
The Tramp, and the extra day that came to them between
Saturday and Sunday, when the clocks were stopped and
they went out on the great quest. Mr. BLACKWOOD puts I
into his book besides that old, uncanny sense of doom and :
purpose behind the dark inanimate things, all the bright
things too: birds and butterflies, flowers and shining
clouds, and all very pleasantly and affectionately. If I
never quite found out what the quest was, that is because
I am really 110 genuine blackwoodsman.
"For each shilling subscribed for this purpose a I/- parcel will be
sent to your comrade, and - Tobacco Fund will send a shilling
parcel of smokes to a lonely Prisoner of War in Germany for every
12/- received."
We suppose this is all right, but as it stands we cannot
get away from the suggestion that the Prisoner of War
will not receive all he ought to get.
Chick, indeed, is the neckwear counter." — Dundee Advertiser.
A willow by the \ This must be the feather-boas department.
DECEMBER 29, 1915.] PUNCH, OH TIIK U>NI>'»N ( 'I I Mil VA III.
CHARIVARIA.
WITH a refinement of cruelty
British Government has prohibited
the exportation of sausage-skins to
Germany. A shop in Berlin is now
doing an increasing trade in sausages
cai ion of the Suvla Bay de*|
fact thiit Sir IAN II VMM. ins was a paasai
the writer of »r<-;it distinction who took iirail. w
-nade of dog
with the bark left on.
time to polish his periods.
*
cigars wen-, »f i-
Mr. STKI-IIKX GKUMM says that
music you hear in Russian church. ^..r Mrxm
robs you of the sense of time. The agus of th>
* same remark applies to a good deal of professes to \»-
A, eulogy of Sir JOHN' FHKNCII in The the music you hear in British variety been a good thing for (ii-rm .
)nili/ (! ni /ili ii', after enumerating his houses. ^ ^ T baa been Pres*!'
)ther achievements, laid special stress 1914, on the ground that lie would
jn " the dogged manner in wliich he A full list of President WILSON'S have built a dam a
las pinned the Germans on his front." wedding - presents has not yet been lies which inun "
dammed
And a jolly stiff front, too.
••;• *
There is happily no truth in
__je reports that British sub-
marines in the Baltic have been
jlocked in by the ice. It is the
enemy's fleet that is kept in cold
storage. -, *
A notice set up by Germans
n a Belgian village runs as
'ollovvs : — " Au crepuscule cha-
est tenu de rentrer en lui-
meme. Les habitants doivent
respecter les troupes passantes
et les singuliers soldats alle-
mands." And the Belgians are
strictly forbidden to laugh at
these posters. » ;;.
A Berlin correspondent writ-
ing to The New York Times
believes that the relations be-
tween Germany and the United
States would rapidly improve
" if it were proposed to lift the
exchange of thought between
Germany and the United States
suddenly to a higher super-
diplomatic plane." It is though!
thatCount ZEPPELIN will shortly
be appointed as German Am-
bassador at Washington, as being
the only man capable of rising
to the required altitude.
" Romance of the Banana: Value of
Publicity," says a headline. The man
in the street is more familiar with its
tragedies, and it is the publicity that
makes them so poignant.
*.,.*
In a criticism of "British generalship
Major MOEAHT, the German military
expert, accuses our commanders of
lacking imagination, and observes that
" The Muses have for the most part
been godfathers to the great generals
and imbued them with the priceless
gift of seeing, feeling and imagining
with almost superhuman power." Lest
he should think that our Generals are
lacking in literary gifts, let him observe
that Mr. TKNNANT put forward as an
explanation of the delay in the publi- being pra
TOL. CXI.iX.
rdl
country. Arc
ttor than
CHRISTMAS MORNING WITH THE
CROWN PRINCE.
"I wisu FATHEE WOULDN'T per IROH CROSSES
SOCKS."
Declining a suggestion that
he should repubhsh his war-
speeches, Lord ROSEBEBY has
modestly likened them to used
tea -leaves, only available to
sweep the floor with. Hut they
should come in handy when we
wipe the floor with the enemy.
* *
\ i iovernment office recently
received a letter in which the
writer, who was making an in-
quiry on behalf of his wife, sub-
scribed himself "Her obedient
husband." The correspondent
who sends us this information
thinks it necessary to add, "This
is a fact." But who doubts it ?
* *
A Lincolnshire paper the
other day said that Earl DE Li
\VAKR had been succeeded by
his only son, " Lord Buckarest. '
Kvcn one seems to be obsessed
by the Balkan problem.
* *
0
The old lady who saw on ad-
vertisement beginning "Fish for
your friends at the Front," is
afraid that the trenches must
be wetter than ever, and «"ii
dors if one ought to use a net
or a rod.
published, but it is believed that among
them were several packets of note-
paper. It is quite untrue, however,
that the PRESIDENT has adapted for
his own use the motto : Bella gerant
alii; tu,felix Austria, nube.
" -V *.
V
Nothing perhaps could more forcibly
indicate Germany's straits than the
appeal that was made by Deputy
GAMP in the recent Reichstag debate
for an increase in the bread-ration. •-- i~f»i"brfon.. for I can do tt
His illustrious prototype never worried half.hour in t^ nfcnlss."— MMrft Herald.
l_ _ - . . 1 .,.,.*., IY^ *-»f t rtf\f\
A Hew Conjuring Trick.
"Then she thrust the envelope into the low-
necked botom of her drew, conjured up a flush,
and gave it a push that caiued it to vanish
completely from »ight." — Ereiting Paper.
Many a poker-player would like to know
the recipe for conjuring up a flush.
A Record Time.
1 • \Ve have had several vi«iU from German
Taubs and I don't like them. I never thought
for I can do the
about a shortage of food.
* «
*
Thanks, no doubt, to the example
set by the Government and the House
se y mental WDIC j,,,,^ „,.
of Commons, the severest economy is j dances, quit* alfresco affaire."
i • _t: ___ i :« T j^nA^Yi Af. c*»vpriil t r-
--- .
At sever
Our Spartan Women.
•• For another reason, that of providing a
mental tonic, many girU are giving unall
-
Krening Paper.
522
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[DECEMBER 29, 1915.
THE BITTER CRY FOR BUTTER.
[The KAISEII'S edict forbidding all celebration of Christmas has
served to increase the despondency caused by the lamentable shortage
of butter, without which the life of a German woman is not regarded
as worth living.]
THE dying year goes out in gloom;
In vain the sodden bunting flaps ;
In vain the Potsdam pedlars boom
Their novel line in Balkan maps;
Bare is the festal tree, and still
The breath of music, brass or oaten —
All joyance, by the War-Lord's will,
Being verboten.
And, where beneath her limes Berlin
Moves silent as a dumb golosh,
What is this wail that chokes within
The bosom of the female Bosch?
What is this sense of something lost
Which, when they meet in solemn batches,
Makes an unmitigated frost
Of Kaffeeklatsches.
Is it by any chance a case
Of husband, brother, lover, son,
Far from his womankind's embrace
Doing his duty as a Hun ?
Is it the absent strafer's kiss
On whose account this plaint they utter?
No, 'tis a dearer loss — they miss
Their slabs of butter.
0 Teuton Fraus are brave, no doubt,
And at a pinch would stand to arms,
But simply cannot do without
The fatty source of half their charms ;
Withhold the product of the churn,
You take from life its leading savour,
Those podgy waists by which they earn
Their warriors' favour.
Some day the nation's nerve may crack
(So straws will break a camel's hump)
Through local riots due to lack
Of means to keep its women plump;
1 think it may; my hopes are high
That WILLIAM'S world- compelling flutter
Shall yet be dislocated by
A dearth of butter. 0. S.
Journalistic Modesty.
" The Neanderthal man, we know, rude as he was, made fires, and
has left indications that he had reasons to suppose his relatives
continued beyond the grave. His brain case, though not like ours,
was quite capacious." — Daily News.
The Lady-Killer.
From a description of the hero in a recently-published
novel : —
"He had lived in the world for 40 years . . . Beautiful women
had turned to gall on his tongue, shrunken to their skeletons in his
weary eyes."
From a report of Lord EOSEBEHY'S speech : —
" So long as westuck together . . . there was no danger capable
of happening which we could not confront."
Edinburgh Ercning Dispatch.
The printer, at any rate, has set a good example.
" Lost, a German Sheep Dog. wearing a new collar with no address
Shaped like a collie, with shorter hair; head like a wolf. Scared
left hind leg."
That, no doubt, is the German part of him.
UNWRITTEN LETTERS TO THE KAISER.
No. XXXII.
(From Mr. BENJAMIN TILLETT.)
KAISER, — You don't seem to understand the people of
this country — if you had understood them I daresay you
wouldn't have got yourself into the fix you 're in — but any-
how I '11 tell you a little story of what happened to me, and
then perhaps you '11 begin to see light, as the parson says.
It was a year or two back and a nasty rainy day, and I
was travelling inside a 'bus. The conductor was a very
uppish young fellow — got a swelled head, no doubt, from
being put in what they call a position of authority— and
as he came into the 'bus to take the fares ho trod on my
foot. I 'm a little delicate about that foot and we got into
a bit of an argument. He seemed to think it was his foot,
and I knew it was mine, and there was quite a pretty lot
of back-talk flying about, when at last he ups and says,
"Who are you, anyhow?" he says, "and what's your
blooming name?" I says, "My name's nothing to you,
but if you want it you shall have it. BEN TILLETT 's my
name, and very much at your service, my young corn-
smasher." Just as I said this a tall thin lady who was
sitting in the 'bus gave a shriek and got up to leave.
" Anything I can do for you, Ma'am ? " I says ; but she
gave me a regular witherer and sort of fixed me to the
floor. "Unhand me," she says — I hadn't laid a finger-
joint on her — " unhand me. I can't sit in a 'bus with a
firebrand. We shall all be murdered in our beds ; " and
with that she stepped it in double-quick time. I never
laughed so much in my life, and the conductor was struck
all of a heap. That shows you what feelings were not so
very long ago. We were all scrapping with one another and
forgetting we were human beings at the bottom of it all.
But now, Lord bless you, we 're singing a very different tune.
Why, I'd engage to let an Earl, ah, or a Duke either, tread
on my best corn so long as he was dressed in khaki or I knew
he was doing his bit for the War, like the rest of us. And
as for the tall thin lady if I 'm not mistaken I saw her in
the front row at one of the meetings I addressed the other
day, and she was cheering like mad, and afterwards she
came up and shook me by the hand very warmly, and she
says, " Mr. TILLETT, you 've said what wanted saying about
the KAISER and the Germans, and you make me proud to
be an Englishwoman. It 's liberty we 're fighting for, and
we 're all prepared to die rather than submit to a bloated
tyrant."
There you are, you see. War's a beastly thing — there 's
no getting out of that — but it 's made us one people. I 've
seen how the soldiers are carrying on in the trenches, and
I 've seen what we're doing at home in England, and I tell
you straight your game 's up ; you can't win the War.
And it 's no good trying to think of stopping it just yet.
We haven't yet got our teeth far enough into your throat ;
but there 's a good time coming, and when it comes you '11
know it and no mistake.
So I send you the compliments of the season and hope
you won't deceive yourself any more. We 're not cherish-
ing any illusions, as the saying is. We know what the
Prussian is ; we 've seen him at work on land and sea,
and we 've made up our minds to send him back to the
place where he belongs.
Good-bye and bad luck to you.
Yours cheerfully, BEN TILLETT.
Precocity.
"The Incubators arc seen in full working ordor, with the babies
in charge of the staff of St. Mary's Hospital."
PUNCH. OR THE LONDON
SWEEPING THE NORTH SEA.
CHORUS OP GERMAN ADMIRALS. " STILL NO SIGN OF THE BRITISH SKULKERS ! "
524
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[DECEMBER 29, 1915.
THE WATCH DOGS.
XXXII.
MY DEAR CHARLES, — Great excite-
ment prevails. A number of unex-
plocled shells have arrived, and at
present lie in the Camp Commandant's
Office. Somebody has insisted on
knowing what "s inside them, adding,
in a chatty sort of way, that " all you
have to do is to knock the tops off and
use your common sense." Ah, yes;
but who 's " you " ? The Chemical
Adviser has demonstrated very lucidly
that it isn't the Chemical Adviser. He
is quite ready to do his part, he says,
which is the latter part. Who is going
to do the first part ? Ordnance, usually
very jealous of its privileges, is not
assertive on this occasion. The Quarter-
master branch is, for once, modest and
retiring. Intelligence is being peculi-
arly intelligent and is sitting tight ;
Operations isn't for operating, and the
O.C. Sanitary Section is thanking
Heaven he isn't a real soldier. It looks
to me as if the Camp Commandant is
about to open yet another branch of
his flourishing business. At any rate
we have sent him a chit, entitled
" Shell-opening for Beginners : by one
who has managed to avoid doing it."
The salient paragraph runs : " To re-
move lid : puncture by sharp blow
with dull instrument. If necessary,
prize open forcibly with chisel inserted
under band."
You have heard it said, no doubt,
that battles would be good sport if it
wasn't for the shells, and you 've heard
it added that even the shells are less
trying than the telegraphic messages
on minor matters which arrive at all
hours of the day and night to compli-
cate trench life. Thus, an ill-informed
French civilian applied for the recovery
of a packet of letters from an upstairs
room of his deserted house. Notwith-
standing the fact that the site of the
mansion was in the first line trenches,
the matter passed safely through all the
preliminary stages of transmission. The
inquiry, as it reached the trenches, was
not happily worded. After referring
in minute detail to the position in the
house of the upstairs room, the position
in the upstairs room of the cupboard,
the position in the cupboard of the little
green box, and the position in the little
green box of the bundle of letters, it
concluded with the ingenuous question :
"Is the house standing still'?" The
reply arrived with unusual speed.
"Most of the house," it ran, "has
removed, but that part which is still
standing is standing still."
Again, a unit, having with some tact
and address secured a German soldier
from over the way, extracted from him
the information that lots more would
come over with a little encourage-
ment. Forthwith the unit was asked
somewhat curtly to state if any steps
had been taken to encourage same, and,
if so, what ? With all the respect and
submission which could possibly be
packed into a telegram, the Company
Commander concerned begged to report
that "he had procured a gross (144)
native sausages and had suspended
them on the barbs of the barbed wire.
Favourable winds awaited."
Lastly, there was some to-do further
behind the lines about the nocturnal
visits of an aeroplane, of which the
dut - dut - dut - dut - dut was distinctly
heard, and of which the conduct was
rendered all the more suspicious by the
fact that nothing ever seemed to come
of it. The matter was ordered to be
inquired into ; a patrol, suitably armed,
was demanded for all-night watching
from the local battalion at (alleged)
rest. They went out, and the first thing
in the morning their report was re-
ceived. There could be no doubt about
the truth of the allegations; the dut-
dut-duts were indubitable. That they
were produced by an aeroplane was also
beyond question ; the unmistakable
sound had been heard of its horn being
blown as it went round the corners.
It is the habit of people when hostile
aeroplanes are seen hovering to say to
each other, "Now I do hope there isn't
going to be any unpleasantness."
Talking of which I might as well tell
you of the local frightfulness in which
I am at this moment involved. I re-
turned this evening to headquarters to
find a hubbub in progress. One of the
Greatest Ones is scheduled to deliver a
technical lecture, and all the less great
ones are scheduled to listen. Most of
them have run into one part or another
of my motor bicycle, and I do not
begin my share in this story with any
large margin of popularity. Eventually
I find myself in the office. Three tele-
phones start ringing at the same time ;
three magnates proceed to detail three
totally different programmes of what
is to happen to the lecturer when he
arrives. The telephones have just been
got to lie down and keep quiet for a bit,
when he himself blows in. Having had
a judicious mixture of the three pro-
grammes put to him by me, he invents
a fourth, to which he gives first place,
and leaves me to settle things up with
the other candidates. Meanwhile he
thinks he 'd like me for a guide.
I am just starting out when two of
the telephones, growing suspicious,
begin ringing violently. The obvious
course is for him to silence one while
I soothe the other ; instead of which I
deal with both and at the same time
maintain my conversation with him
very deferentially as becomes a subal-
tern. No. 1 telephone wants to know,
Sir, whether it would be convenient for
me, Sir, if it came round to see me, Sir,
and, if so, at what time, Sir? Being
informed as to who I am, it changes
its tone and says it 's coming round at
once, and if I am not there to meet it
I 'm finished. No. 2 telephone refers
to my X.Y.Z. 1 and its A. B.C. 2, and
my X.Y.Z. 3, and asks me if I mean
anything by my last, and if so, what ?
It must know at once and will hold on
while I find out. Meanwhile my dis-
tinguished guest is getting fidgety, not
finding my remarks at all enlightening.
So we leave No. 2 grimly holding on,
pretend not to notice that No. 3 is
waking up, and go outside to find that
his motor, with his chauffeur and all
that is his, has disappeared into the
void. Thither I follow it, alone, realixing
as I go, with a cold sinking feeling,
the picture of the three magnates
expecting three totally different pro-
grammes to function.
When I find the car the chauffeur
is, of course, absentee. When I find
the chauffeur and the car and get the
two back to where I left the owner, he,
of course, is gone. Not daring to go
back into the office for fear of telephone
bells, I get hold of a sentry, armed
with a rifle and 150 rounds of ball
ammunition, and set him to mount
guard over the chauffeur and the car
and to take immediate action if either
of them tries to escape. I then retire
apart and evolve in my own mind a
fifth programme, on the basis of what
any humanly constituted man would
have done, if there hadn't been so
much arranging. Finally (to omit for
your sake many further harassing
details) I return to find that a sixth
programme, cancelling all previous
programmes, has come into force, the
exact details of which are, I gather,
SECRET.
For the present I am left in undis-
puted possession of a large motor car
and a small chauffeur. For the future
. . . who knows ? Meanwhile there
are others greater than myself to
answer the telephones. At this mo-
ment, as I write, one of these terrors
has started ringing again. The Major,
who 's talking to it at this end, isn't
best pleased when the fact comes out
that the man at the other end is an-
other mere lieutenant, who only wants
to have a little friendly chat with me.
The chat, conducted in public, was
not so friendly as all that. He wanted
to know if there was any chance of
ever seeing me again. "Damn all," I
replied, and rang off.
Yours ever, HENRY.
DMBKBBB », 191&] ITNclI, (HI TIIK LONDON ' II MM VAKI.
Tommy (on his way back from the trenchet-to Central'* chauffeur). "TiM 'KB 'on*. CHAWLM. WK'M
FERGUSON.
Ferguson has just returned to us
from an enjoyable holiday spent in
what I am constrained to refer to as
" a fortress " situated somewhere con-
tiguous to the Eastern Counties of
England. Already, exact details of
his imaginary adventures have begun
to snowball their mendacious course
through the village. I have no scruple
about repeating them, for I know
Ferguson to be a satirist and suspect
him of being a Scot.
We have a local witticism to the
effect that teaching a duck to quack is
labour " dra'd away in vain." From
what I know and don't know about
Ferguson I feel that ingenuity spent
in connecting his reputation with the
desultory expenditure of very occasional
sixpences is also labour dra'd away in
vain. Put in another way, and one
perhaps better suited to the require-
ments of the superficial reader, I con-
tend that something over ninety-nine
per cent, of the girds at Ferguson are
composed by their alleged victim and
circulated solely to afford him the
peculiarly Caledonian amusement ol
I, ing at us laughing at him being
l:iuglu>d at by someone else. I hope
you follow.
There is the account of Ferguson
obtaining lodgings. With some little
trouble he discovered a small room
right at the top of a house kept by a
very worthy person of marked religious
tendencies. As the house itself stood
almost within the shadow of one of
our most sacred and irreplaceable public
buildings, the situation had, as the
good lady readily admitted, some slight
disadvantage just at that period. People
were not really nervous, she bMtaoed
to add, but they all seemed to prefer
the basement to the attics. Fergus m
gravely assented— even enlarged a lit t li-
on the drawback— but suggested that
a thrifty and verra courageous man
might face the risk at a materially
reduced rent. Terms were agreed upon.
Then, and not till then, did it come
jout that the modest fellow, combin-
ing patriotism with pleasure, and at
the same time covering all his holiday
expenses, had l>een taken on as a short
nightly relief at a convenient munition
factory. I Ii> hours for sleep would be
from 3 A.M. to 10.
This is mere bludgeoning. I prefer
the rapier-like malice of the theatrical
exponent'.-. At \\hieh theatre it took
place nothing short of a strictly legal
indemnity against any action for dam-
ages could drag from me. Tears stood
in Ferguson's eyes, beads of perspira-
tion on his brow, as he spoke of
the long-drawn agony of witnessing
the performance. Misled— heaven help
him!— by a specious title, he had
thought to witness a really serious
plav and it turned out to be a con-
fection of the lightest and most
frivolous description. Not to censure
! too heavily in the light of what U-
' lows, it must be understood tha'
guson, himself a highly moral man.
lered that he had been defrauded
by false pretences.
It was a matinte performance, 1
gathered, and there were three Acts.
At the end of the first 1 made
his way to the gallery pay-box and
'offered, as a great bargain, to com-
I pound for the remainder of the enter-
tainment by the return of fivepeoce.
Tlii-. offer, it appears, was declined.
Hut" — Fen.1'. _.>nms tone
i i 1 . . > ._.!....
MJ\lv * v • !•* " I
dropped almost to a melancholy tender-
1 negs — •« aa got even wi' them after a .
-How?*
Aa went back and leestened I
the fulishness recht to the end. Thin
in the dark aa just slippit under the
seat and, after bidin' there a wee
bit hour or twa, aa come oot impair-
ceeved and saw it a1 over again for
naething."
526
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [DECEMBER 29, 1915.
ANTI-AIRCRAFT.
THE Mess waiter knocked at the door
and came in.
" Come in," I said.
"Letters, Sir."
" Ah ! " I held out my hand.
A minute later I wakened Henry up.
"Good morning. Letters," I said
tersely.
" Go away."
" Letters for you."
" Go away."
" One in a lady's handwriting."
Henry sat up in bed ; he opened the
letter and scanned it through.
" Well," he said, " this is
good. Listen. ' DEAR SIR, — I
am endeavouring to collect
funds for Xmas gifts for our
brave troops abroad. May I
solicit your help ? ' There 's a
whole lot more," he added.
" That's all very well," I said ;
"but I am endeavouring to
collect funds for my brave
tailor."
"Surely," Henry suggested,
" we ourselves come under the
heading of brave troops. At
any rate it 's hardly our respon-
sibility."
" And yet it is," I objected.
" I feel we ought to do some-
thing. In fact, I 'm going to
do something. We 11 make up
a parcel for them."
" I "d rather do something
for our own men."
"Precisely," I agreed. "That's
just where the parcel's going
to, or rather coming to. It 's for
this detachment."
Henry smoothed his pillow.
" I leave it to you," he mur-
mured. " Good night."
* * # *
were spent in the composition of this
letter, which I think is perhaps worth
reproduction : —
" The A. A. Detachment,
3rd South Wessex,
Bock Hill.
"To twelve (12) British boys, wishing
them -a Happy Christmas and hoping
they will soon get abroad, from a few
others similarly situated."
I was quite satisfied with this, quite
satisfied, and yet Henry wanted to
spoil the whole thing by sending an
orderly for the food and tobacco and
distributing it there and then.
I addressed it to the O.C., A.A.
Detachment, 3rd South Wessex, Eock
Hill, and called for the Mess waiter.
"You can't give it him to post,"
Henry objected; "if he sees the address
lie '11 think we 're mad."
" Henry," I said, " need I remind
you a soldier never thinks ? He obeys."
•'.' -',' * :;: ;'•.
I was the author of the business,
and naturally I was the one to receive
the blame, but, as I pointed out, Henry
being the senior, I was, anyhow, the
only one who could be blamed.
The Mess waiter had not thought us
mad. He had merely thought we had
made a mistake, and that the
parcel was intended for the
other 3rd South Wessex A.A.'s
at Hill Grove.
So he altered the address.
Technically this is known as
initiative.
I forget what I called it.
AET AND LIFE.
Ali Baba (of Touring Pantomime). " SHOVE THE GOLD IN
THE VAN, JOE,
THREEPENCE."
AND ASK THE DOORKEEPER TO LEXD ME
Seasonable Presents.
"Chilblains and Broken Skin, 4d.
and 7d., by post."
North Eastern Daily Gazette.
"He applied for a commission be-
fore the war started under Mr.
Churchill's scheme."
Yorksliire Evening Netcs.
Major CHURCHILL'S responsi-
bility is evidently greater than
we thought.
Personally I was rather pleased with
the idea. Christmas on detachment
with Henry and twelve men, or, to put
it officially, Christmas with one officer
and twelve other ranks, promised to be
a matter of doubtful festivity.
There would be letters of sympathy ;
there would be parcels ; there would be
a football match, officers and N.C.O.s
v. men, the officers' team borrowing
two or three men from the other side.
The Corporal would arrange for him-
self and the older gunners to be off
watch on Christmas night ; also I
found it would be Henry's night on.
Nevertheless I felt there would be
something lacking. I was convinced
that a parcel of food, tobacco and cigar-
ettes, including a box of cigars for the
officers, would help enormously.
I had another happy idea : a letter of
good wishes. Some two night watches
He had several objections to make.
"They ought to know the parcel
comes from us," he said. " I don't
want them to think "
" They shall know," I assured him.
"Then, good heavens, man, they
mustn't see that — er — composition.
What about discipline ? "
" They needn't see it ; the parcel will
be addressed to you."
" What are you going to do with
the letter then ? "
" Frame it," I said rather shortly.
Henry didn't seem to be entering into
the spirit of the thing. However, I
was determined to see the matter
through. I spent a whole afternoon's
leave and two days' pay and arrived
back laden and triumphant.
Henry by this time had changed his
opinion and on the morning of Christ-
mas Eve together we made the parcel up.
"There are many ways of cooking
old hens. They may be boiled very
slowly for as many hours as they arc
eld." — Fanner and Stockbreeder.
Begin at once, and be sure of
a good dinner after the War.
From the report of a recruit-
ing meeting : —
" The Mayor of Kilkenny associated himself
and his constituents with the resolution, and
said so far Kilkenny had done its hare and
would continue to do it."
Watcrford Evening News.
Obviously a misprint for hair. We
are glad that Kilkenny's cats are keep-
ing their fur on in war-time.
"A submerged dialect is now being towed
into Milford Haven." — Shipping News.
No doubt the jettisoned property of a
naturalised Englishman- whose speech
bewrayed him.
From a recent notice of a " tone-
poem " : —
The picture of ' The Gallows
creaking caused by
with the
the body is wonderfully
graphic." — Morning Paper.
Evidently a picture that jumps to the
ears.
DECEMBER 29, 1915.] PUNCH, OR TIIK l.n\DON CII.MM V.MM.
:
RESPECT FOR THE CLOTH.
TAKING us altogether we are a serious
Mess. As a whole at table we are not
demonstrative. Groups of young subal-
terns in obscure corners do, it is true,
abandon themselves to occasional bursts
of hilarity ; and where the great ones
sit there are quite audible sounds of
respectful laughter when the P.M.C. or
the C.O. is in exceptionally good form.
But ordinarily we do not express our-
selves as a body.
To-night there was an exception.
When the bugle sounded " Officers'
wives have puddings and pives" and
we filed into the long hut, there were
exclamations of delighted astonishment
which grew rapidly into a tumult of
applause. There were clean table-
cloths.
That sounds rather as though we
have been accustomed to pigging it;
but it isn't so. The fact is that a
recent moving of camps has landed us
many miles from the nearest laundry,
and the linen which should have been
on our tables has been elsewhere.
Eor two or three days one may pass
such matters by unobserved. But
gradually we began to take notice. We
began to recognise spots and stains,
and at first there was a certain excite-
ment about speculating as to their
origin. We began to see in them a
kind of diary of past meals. We re-
called, almost with a smack of the lips,
the roast-pork of Tuesday's dinner ; we
found traces of the chutney which had
been eaten with the curry of Thursday's
lunch ; there were marks of the efforts
of a certain O.C. Company— a sturdy
eater — to draw his full fourteen-ounce
ration from a bony segment of loin of
mutton. It was the sic ibat Simais
sort of thing, and we were getting to
love the old cloth for association's sake,
and to look forward to seeing it again
at every meal.
You must understand that in the
circumstances in which we are placed
such things may occur. The spirit of
active service is over everything.
Somehow it is easier than it would be
in times of peace for your bottle to
mark its standing-place with a wet
ring. When there is little luck any-
where it is not noticeably unlucky to
spill salt ; and if salt may fall why nob
mustard ?
But, as time went on, stain merged
into stain until the whole threatened .
to blend into one uninspiring neutral
tint. It was at this point that con- j
tentions arose. Born of regret at
losing old landmarks, so to say, there
sprang up a feeling of antagonism to-
wards their destroyers— those Goths
who recklessly allowed some new and
DON JUAN IN KHAKI.
Shop Assistant (to Tommy u-ho has aslvd to set tome Mr*r namr-bnoclvi). " HEM TOO
ARE TAKE YOUR CHOICE ETBKL, MAUD, GLADYS, PEABL. DOLLY-ASY OF TUB
Tommy. -YES, ALL THOSE BCT GLADYS. AND I'LL HAVE POLL*. >
IF YOU 'VE GOT "EM."
*• _
undistinguished blur to obscure or oblit-
erate one with a history. Officers who
are really quite tidy eatars began to
get other reputations. "Steady on,"
we would say, " with that gravy. Just
look what you 've done ! " And replies
would come bristling with accusations!
of somebody else.
Thus little by little our meals came
to be eaten in an atmosphere which
seemed to be charged with acrimony.
There was what you would call a pent-
up, tense sort of feeling. And you can
easily understand why, shaken from
our reserve, we burst into applause at
the sight of the clean table-linen.
But the reaction was brief, and
was only a happy accident that restored
us to the normal. After the applause
had subsided, everyone settled down
determined to find out exactly who
were the people who upset things.
Even the most fastidious ones were
nervous. You see there was no chance
of accusing anyone else. The target
was too clean and the range too shor
A happy accident, as I said, saved the
meal from being a dismal tragedy <>f
suspicious glances and painful rigidity.
Suddenly into the silence that »v
burst a brief exclamation. It came
from the padre, a man never known to
use a word of one syllable if a word of
three would do. All eyes turned in h
direction, and we saw him trying wit!
a fork to recapture from the cloth the
contents of the Worcestershire Sauce
bottle.
It was the last bott'.e, but no one
mincled that.
528
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[DECEMBER 29, 1915.
"CUT THE CACKLE . . ."
THE PHBASE AND ITS MAKER.
AFTER a recent visit to the House of
Commons — the second time only that
I had listened to that assembly at
work — I have come again to the con-
clusion that few of the sententise of
the world have more virtue than old
ASTLEY'S growled command to his stage
manager, " Cut the cackle and come
to the 'osses." There is hardly a
moment of the day when this rule of
life could not profitably be remembered.
Every child should work it on a sampler
and read it on its mug ; copy-books
should prefer it to the usual run of
more arguable maxims ; patriotic pluto-
crats should pay for its insertion at the
top of The Times' personal column ; and
wherever there is an empty space on
hoarding or wall, in omnibuses or tubes,
it should be emblazoned in letters of
gold. In all French railway carriages
to-day the passengers are warned by
Government placards to be silent and
suspicious, for the ears of the enemy
are everywhere ; so that " Taisez-vous !
mefiez-vous" has become a catch-
phrase in that country where catch-
phrases have ever prospered. ASTLEY'S
immortal sentence should be equally
popular here, for never was the recog-
nition of its importance more necessary.
Entertaining such feelings as these
with regard to the dictum, I natu-
rally wished to know more of the
man who gave it life, so I have been
inquiring into PHILIP ASTLEY'S career.
To Newcastle-under-Lyme belongs the
honour of his birth, in 1742, his father
being a cabinet-maker there. At the
age, however, of seventeen (which
would horrify some of our head-masters,
however much it pleased others,) the
boy turned his back on chisel and plane
and enlisted in General ELLIOTT'S
Light Horse, became remarkable as a
rough-rider and breaker-in, and so dis-
tinguished himself at the battles of
Ensdorf and Friedberg that his Gen-
eral presented him with a favourite
charger. With this noble companion,
known as the Spanish Horse, ASTLEY
toured England, to exhibit the tricks
that he had taught him, which com-
prised unsaddling himself, washing his
feet, removing a boiling kettle from
a flaming fire, and impersonating a
waiter at a tavern. Never had a
man a better friend. The Spanish
Horse (to anticipate a little) remained
in ASTLEY'S service for forty-two years,
and, on passing to ASTLEY'S successor
at the Eoyal Amphitheatre, was care-
fully tended, two quartern loaves a day
being provided for a toothless mouth
that could no longer manage corn ; and
when death at last came, his hide (in
order to perpetuate his memory) was
tanned and made into a thunder drum
for the prompt side of the theatre.
From touring ASTLEY turned to cir-
cus and theatre management in London,
and, with various ups and downs of for-
tune, he continued in this business to the
end, both in London and Paris, though
on the breaking out of the French Bev-
olution he again joined the army, under
the Duke of YORK, and not only fought
but was invaluable as a horse-transport
officer. He behaved also in a way that
marks him out especially as a forerunner
of present-day methods, for he was
thoughtful as to supplies of clothing
and other comforts to the troops. In
the words of one who knew him :
" When he left this country he took
with him a very large strong chest,
with bits of broad-cloth, thread, needles,
leather, bristles, wax, in fact everything
useful in camp in that way ; besides
five hundred flannel jackets, and at the
corner of each of them was sewed in a
shilling, that in case they [the soldiers]
should be in want cf money for re-
freshment they would know where they
might find a ' friend in need.' Previous
to its being got together, like a good
tactician he called his company to the
theatre and asked them what they
would yield as contents for the chest ?
The ladies instantly offered their ser-
vices in making the jackets, which was
received very good-naturedly."
After this campaign he was back at
his amphitheatre, which was then on
the site of the Lyceum Theatre, in time
to dress in the Windsor uniform and
sit his horse at the door of his esta-
blishment when the KING and Duke of
YORK rode by in triumphant procession.
The DUKE and Mr ASTLEY saluting each
other, " the King was pleased to say
to his son, 'Who is that, Frederick?'
to which his Eoyal Highness immedi-
ately replied, ' Mr. Astley, Sir, one of
our good friends, a veteran, one that
fought in . the German war.' Upon
this the "King turned towards Mr.
Astley and made a most courteous
assent to him." The incident, the
chronicler continues, was " a theme of
exultation to Mr. Astley, and it was
constant in his remembrance for a
long while."
Mr. ASTLEY'S house of entertainment
was famous not only for horses but for
the gigantic spectacles which he devised
and elaborated. Among his inventions
I rather fancy that "real water" has
to be included.
In his circus he reigned supreme, a
vain and choleric martinet, who was,
however, beloved by his employees.
In all his adversity — and through fire
alone he had more than his share — he
remained steadfastly honest. His
name throughout England became
synonymous with whatever was most
daring and exciting in horsemanship.
Not only the best showman, but the
best horse-tamer of his time, he never
gave more than five pounds for a horse,
nor did he care what colour, shape or
make it was : temper was his only con-
sideration. But when ho had done
with the horse fifty pounds probably
could not buy it.
A contemporary account of the great
man by one of his company, which I
have already quoted from, calls him
"very facetious and liberal." It adds
that " he was obstinate at times and
would not give up his opinion to anyone,
but very forgiving the moment after."
He was inclined (like so many auto-
crats) to be a little deaf now and then.
Riding was not his only accomplish-
ment. " One day, for a considerable
wager, he floated on his back in the
Thames, from Westminster Bridge to
Blackfriars, with a flag erect in each
hand." Brave times ! None of our
theatrical managers — neither Mr. BUTT
nor Mr. DE COUEVILLE — does these
sporting things nowadays.
ASTLEY died in Paris in 1814, and
was buried in Pere-la-Chaise. His son
"Young ASTLEY," who had long
assisted and then succeeded him, lived
only for seven years after, and Pere-la-
Chaise guards his dust too.
The great PHILIP ASTLEY built al-
together nineteen amphitheatres ; and
what the old fellow's ghost can think
when he visits London now and finds
not a single circus for all her millions
(many of them children), who shall say ?
'Twixt revue and revue no room for a
horse to put even his nose in ! Could
his reflection be other than that we
have cut the 'osses to come to the
cackle ?
"An 'B.T.O.,' as a railway transport
officer is commonly termed, does more work
than any other two officers put together and
under far more trying conditions. His day
begins at cock-crow and, if he is lucky, ends
at the same time the next morning. But he
is not often lucky, and the result is he may
be kept on the go for a few additional hours."
Miiniiny Paper.
The only time he gets ahead of his
work is when his superior officer kicks
him into the middle of next week.
From a notice of The Faithful,
Mr. MASEFIELD'S new play : —
"If this play is not the equal of 'The
Silver Box ' and some others of his works, it
will have to be considered in the final estimate
of Masefield's place in our literature."
Mornin'j Paper,
Mr. GALSWORTHY, we understand, is
now wondering whether he should rest
his poetical reputation on Dauber.
DECEMBER 29, 1915.] PUNCH, Oil '1 1 1 K l.nNDON CH.MlI V.MM.
'
AUNT'S GUIDE TO THE ARMY.
AlSHRKVI.YTIONS AND A MOTTO.
FOB the elucidation of military
mysteries, this treatise is written to
assist those estimable ladies who have
given their nephews to the service of
K. and C.
Motto. — When in doubt send tobacco
Abbreviations. — Previous acquaint-
ance with the following is assumed : —
C.O., N.C.O., O.C., A.O.C., P.O., A.P.C.,
D.C.M., G.C.M., L.C.M., W.O., T.O.,
M.G.O., D.P.O., G.P.O., H.A
C.S.M. — A fierce misanthropist, who
made the British Army what it was,
not what it is, and who is justly jealous
for its future. Men reassure themselves
with the thought that he cannot eat
them ; but they hate to be victims of
he partial success that attends his
efforts. On approaching the C.S.M. a
man halts rigidly at attention, says,
' Sir,'r-blushes by numbers (One — give
uhe blood a smart cant up to the facial
capillaries ; Two — cut it away sharply),
and makes his request. There is an
nterval of some minutes, during which
,he man carries on with blushing,
udging his own time. Then he re-
seats, " Sir, may I " " No ! " says
,he C.S.M., and they carry the man
away.
M.O. — A callous officer, who heals
the sick and makes the lame to walk,
even when they can hardly limp. Sol-
diers with ailments report to him, and
he marks them " Medicine And Duty,"
using only the initial letters, as he is a
rude man. Then he explains that, there
being no medicine available, only the
latter part of the remedy is at their
disposal. He is the Great Disillusion.
O.O. — The officer who sees that the
rations are served and satisfactory.
There is a scheme to replace him by a
leaflet, printed, "If you are satisfied
tell your friends ; if not tell us." This
would serve also as a recruiting agent,
and, for convenience, might be indexed,
" A F f 9999 to « terms." The
O.O. may not accept a gratuity.
SECOND LOOTS. — No reference to later
enterprises of the CROWN PRINCE ; but
the name applied by sisters and fianctes
to that vast crowd whose rank is de-
noted by a solitary star. Late 1
models may still be obtained, new or
hardly used at all.
C.Q.M.S.— The man who proves by
algebra that soldiers are entitled to less
POT than they expect. "What about
your H.9731, and your B.C.55, and
your U.8 ? " he says ; and, being unable
to solve even the simplest simultaneous
equation, they depart with sorrow and
regret.
Punctilious Officer. " DOS'T voo KSOW THAT TOO MUST SALUTE AX
Recruit. "YES, Sm; BUT 1 WAS TOLD NEVER TO DO rr WITH A PIP
T.N.T.— An ingenious discovery hav-
ing a remarkable elevating influence
which is found to be of great sen-ice
in assisting Germans to leave their
trenches. It may also be used to
remove superfluous hairs.
C. 348.— A piece of paper divided
laterally, with an unpleasant request
on the left-hand side and a blank space
on the right. Officers of the rank of
captain and above fill in the space with
"Passed to you for necessary action,
please," and send it on to a subordinate.
O.S.E. In summer camps an officer
of omnicidal tendencies is appointed
Officer Strafing Earwigs. Were t
under W.O. authority the third initial
would be W. for » Wigs, ear." A sug-
gestion in "Insecticide Instructions
1915 " is based on the earwig s well
mown propensity for climbing. A ]»!'•
of infinite length is erected ; the little
creatures make for the upper extremity
and are never seen again.
Another Impending: Apology.
"At the Hotel Ripo*o, with Captain —
absent on active «ervice, nothing i» left to M
desired."— BezJiM Chronicle.
Under the heading. " An Excusable
Error," an evening paper last week
printed the following : —
"The following correction of a telegram
was sent out to-d»y by a news ag.
In Christiania telegram sent you
P ^Mr. Ford's pcac expedition^ instead of
' Mr. Ford's peace exhibition.' '
To us the correction seems quite inex-
cusable. Poor Mr. FORD wants to put an
end to war, not to take the end off peace.
530
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [DECEMBER 29, 1915.
"YON'g A BONNY LASS."
"D'YE KEN HER? "
"THEN WILL YE NO SPEAK TO HER?
"Ay. WHEN SHE'S PAID HER PENNY.'
THE PIPES: A PALINODE.
[Suggested by reading in The Westminster Gazette that the. Provost
of Inverness had received £194 from Java, subscribed by Dutch, Ar-
menians and Chinese, to be utilised " in helping the pipe bands of the
battalions of the different regiments quartered in the Highlands."]
WHEN I was young and precious, and thought it fine and
smart
To advertise my loathing of any low-class art, • - -
I priggishly regarded the skirling of the pipes,
Matched with orchestral music, as mere melodic swipes.
[ waxed supremely scornful about their nasal tone ;
Denounced as inartistic their everlasting drone. ;-..--
Denied that those who played them required the slightest
skill,
And held that their aesthetic significance was nil.
3ut time brings his revenges, and age the truth discerns,
Or, as the ancient proverb remarks, "one lives .and learns" ;
And I, who scorned the piperas one who squealed and crowed,
By way of recantation now pen this palinode.
»Ve praise, most incorrectly, the piping times of peace,
But O it is in war-time that piping should increase ;
?or then no decent Briton — I leave the freaks alone —
Can hear unthrilled the music that from the pipes is blown.
lounge up to the window when bands and soldiers pass,
)rawn by the lure of bugles, of drums and fifes and brass ;
hurry there like lightning when it 's a kilted throng,
And at their head the pipers stride valiantly along.
For in these strains barbaric a wondrous magic sings ;
They tell of ancient battles, forgotten, far-off things";
Of grief and death and glory, until the pageant glows
With memories of WALLACE, of BRUCE and of MONTIIOSE.
The firth now calm and glassy, now flecked with angry
foam ;
The flaming pall of sunset that glows on Suilven's dome ;
The bracken and the heather, the clover and the broom —
All haunt the vision woven by music's fairy loom.
Back to the lonely shieling beneath the cloudy skies,
To strath tand glen and corrie the yearning spirit flies ;
For all the Highland glamour and all the Highland pride
Lives in these poignant measures, enshrined and glorified.
So when I find in Java diverging racial types,
United by their common allegiance to the pipes,
Remitting to. old Scotland close on two hundred pounds
To foster the production of patriotic sounds,
I 'm not surprised or prompted to talk of zeal misplaced,
Or call their contribution good money gone to waste,
But deeply moved at finding Armenians and Chinese
And Dutch combined to cheer us in trying times like
these,
For, though I 'm but a Cockney and know that in my
veins
There 's little blood deriving from any Gaelic strains,
I feel I 'd merit beating with many bitter stripes
If I had failed in paying my homage to the pipes.
PUNCH, OH T1IK I^NI)ON_CHAHIVAHI._DBc««« 29. 1915.
DEAD SEA
THE LONDON CIIAIMV.MM.
5SENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
(KXTRACTKD WKHI THK DlARY OF TOUT, if I1 I
ALMOST TOO LATE.
MR. LLOYD GKOROE ONLY JUST CATCHES TUB VICTORIA 'BUS.
House of Commons, Monday, Decem-
ber 20th. — For nearly two hours the
House, marvellously full consfdering
Christmas Day falls within the week,
listened to MINISTER OF MUNITIONS re-
lating a story which will live among
stirring chapters of English history.
It began on doleful note, disclosing
perilous condition in which for fully a
year the country stood for lack of!
material capable of competing with the j
elaborately-planned preparation of the !
enemy. To this part of his address the [
Minister devoted one-half of his allotted j
time. It may be vividly summarised
in a sentence.
" In the month of May," he said,
" when the Germans were turning out
250,000 shells a day, most of them high
explosives, we were turning out 2,500
a day in high explosives and 13,000 in
shrapnel."
A gasp of pained astonishment passed
along the benches. It was succeeded
by hearty cheer when the Minister
described transformation brought about
in four months by the Department he j
created, whose work lie has with rare j
insight and tireless energy directed.
" In September battle lasted for days,
almost ran into weeks, but there was
no shortage of shells."
House learned that this is only
the beginning. Whilst store of high
explosives for our armies in the field is
abundant the time is close at hand
when, in addition, we shall be able to
increase our supply of high explosives
to those of our Allies who are in need
of them.
Generous in acknowledgment of ser-
vices rendered by experts whom he lias
gathered round him for the accomplish-
ment of this stupendous work, LLOYD
GEORGE studiously kept his personal
share in the background. Omission
repaired by prolonged cheer from all
parts of House that hailed an eloquent
peroration.
liitsiness done. — PREMIER consenting
to extend life of Parliament by eight
months instead of twelve as proposed,
Parliament Bill passed through Com-
mittee.
Wednesday. — Vote passed at 5 A.M.
for further increase of " contemptible
little Army " to four millions.
Thursday. — House adjourned for
brief Christmas holiday. Back at
work on 4th January.
The Superfluous Woman.
"BIRTHS.
On 15th December, at Cmccnt, Cardiff,
to Mr. and Mrs. , a daughter.
FOB SALE BY Ai
Hr/i/i Paper.
" After a clam night tho German artillery
has been very active."— Krrnmj I'ajxr.
So that 's how the Germans get t heir
shells.
" !'• H in. in il.inli'iicr, aged 35} vean, <e*lu
position in a good Church Choir, where similar
occupation could bo found." — Uutical Ttiaf*.
OurCoekney commentator suggests that
the advertiser might be useful in keeping
the verger in order.
'• Washington, State department announce*
that several Belgian prayer employed a* coun-
sellor to AIIIIT.I in ii^.ition at several* ha* left
Hclgiuni and were not return. Germany hat
informed united state* that natural wu>
gonal non Grata.' Delaval whose report on
could can injured cargely in trench minister*
correspondence published in great Britain were
probably go to Havre." — Qvetta -NVir*.
There would seem to be some justice
in the complaints regarding the supply
of news to the outside world.
534 PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [DECEMBER 29, 1915.
"Lou, MRS. GREEN, YOU AIN'T LOOKING YOURSELF AT ALL THIS MORNING. WHATEVER DO BE THE MATTER WITH YOU?"
"THERE, MRS. BUDD, YOU KNOW THE TROOBLE WE'VE ALLUB "AD WITH OCR GEORGE, AN' NOW AH'VE A POSTCARD THIS MORNIN"
AYIN' AS "ow HE'S GOT T' V.C., AN' ME AN' 'is FATHER TEETOTALERS ALL OUR LIVES!"
TOAST IN WAE-TIME.
CHAPTER I.
A WISTFUL subaltern sat in the mess-
hut at breakfast. The rain poured
down unceasingly and ran musically
off the tin roof.' He stared at the slice
of anaemic-looking A.S.C. bread he had
cut, and thought of toast — hot toast,
wonderfully crisp and divinely brown.
Toast for breakfast ! He took up his
slice of bread and buttered it sadly.
CHAPTER II.
After breakfast he wrote in the Mess
Suggestion Book: "It is suggested that
toast be supplied for breakfast."
After some time the Mess Secretary
wrote on the opposite page : " This is
impossible owing to lack of accommo-
dation in the kitchen."
CHAPTER III.
For many mornings he ate his de-
pressing bread in sadness ; then an
inspiration came to him. He wrote
again in the Suggestion Book : " It is
suggested that toasting-forks be sup-
plied in the Mess." He pictured him-
self squatting in front of the fire on a
cold morning making that pale expanse
of bread divinely brown. He waited
eagerly for the Mess Secretary's answer,
and was chilled to find written under
his request for toasting-forks : " What
for?" But, with a gleam of irony, he
wrote underneath, " To toast with,"
and smiled gladly. The smile faded
when he found written neatly under-
neath his ingenuous irony the single
word, " Where ? " Still undaunted he
appended the necessary explanation :
" At the stove."
He waited again for this to bear fruit,
and was himself noticeably brighter
for the new interest which he found in
his days. The answer, however, was '
not reassuring. " As it is a coke stove
in the Mess at present, I am afraid you
would not be successful."
CHAPTER IV.
He tried a fresh line of attack. " It
is suggested that coal instead of coke
be supplied for the Mess." But here
he was on perilous ground. The answer
came swift and decisive : " This touches
on the Quartermaster's department,
and is out of my province."
Feeling that the Mess Secretary was
"one up" on him, he interviewed the
Quartermaster. "Coal? What's the
use of indenting for coal for a grate
which is made for coke, and burns
better with coke ? If you can have the
stove changed, I '11 get you some coal.
You 'd better see the E.E."
He saw the R.E. man, who was a
friend of his, but nothing could be
done without the G.O.C.'s permission.
" You 'd better write out an application
and put it in through me."
He went back to his quarters and
began to write. He had begun the third
copy, for it had to be sent in in tripli-
cate, when he started to think.
After all, toast seemed a vei-y difficult
thing to obtain. It would only lengthen
the War. He tore up his letters.
CHAPTER V.
A wistful subaltern sat in the mess-
hut at breakfast. The rain poured
down unceasingly and ran musically
off the tin roof. He stared at the
slice of anaemic-looking A.S.C. bread ho
had cut and thought of toast — hot
toast, wonderfully crisp, divinely brown;
Toast for breakfast ! He took up his
slice of bread and buttered it sadly.
" CON-POUHD YOU I YOD DID GIMME A JCM* 1 '
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)
READERS who expect biography to be spiced with gossip
and flavoured by anecdote will find little to suit their tastes
in The Life of Lord Strathcona and Mount Royal (CASSELL).
Mr. BECKLKS WILLSON has given us a monumental book,
and if we are compelled occasionally to think that he treats
Lord STRATHCONA more as an institution than as a man I
for one am in the end bound to admit that his method is
justified by its results. After reading these 600 pages I
have not a very intimate knowledge of Lord STRATHCONA
himself, but I do know thoroughly the work he accomplished,
and Mr. WILLSON may well say that the work is the
man. What everyone knows from mere hearsay of
Lord STRATHCONA is that he played a wonderful part in the
development of Canada, that he was extraordinarily generous,
and that he lived to a very ripe old age ; what perhaps is
not widely realized is that the thought always at the back
of his mind was to bind the British Empire closer and
closer together for self-support. That was his vision, that
was the poetry of a life strenuously lived among business
men and the atmosphere of business. When at the age of
seventy-six, after years of devoted toil, Lord STRATHCONA
(then Sir DONALD SMITH) was appointed High Commissioner
of Canada in 1896, one of our ex-Cabinet Ministers apparently
had never heard of him, and certainly did not know his
Christian name. " Who," he wrote, "is this Sir David Smith
who is to replace our old friend Tupper?" In the end
honours fell fast to the lot of this gallant veteran, and
to-day, when we are all Imperialists at heart, we have to
thank him very largely both for the spirit of Canada and
for the splendid way in which she has been able to
that spirit manifest.
I make a guess (it 'a dull of me not to be certain) that
the title of The Accolade (SioawicK AND JACKSON) had
something to do with clever philandering Johnny Ingettre'i
victory over himself when that tenderly passionate and
innocent maid, Helena Falkland, surrendered her heart to
him so completely. He had been jockeyed by a criminally
obstinate father into an early marriage with the wholly
unsuitable Ursula, but he never claimed that the real
thing when it came justified the breaking of all other
pledges and many other people's happiness. Such knights
are rare in modern fiction, and Johnny, who was the very
opposite of a prig, but an odd bundle of whims, vanities,
gifts and ambitions, and whose particular desire it was to
throw over all the rather solemn swagger of the Ingettre
tradition for the freer glories of the stage (his father dished
that business also), is a character drawn with the uncanny
cleverness and subtlety which the author of Herself so
consistently achieves. If I hare a grievance against Johnny
it is that he found time to carry on sucli a delicate flirta-
tion with Violet Shot*ll, nee Athtrin. I feel that if
Mrs. Shovell was going to allow anyone to flirt with her
it might very well have been me, who met her in Duke Jones
and fell desperately in love. So far I have very properly
let concealment feed on my damask cheek. But I am
sorely tempted to a paragraph in that indiscreet column of
The Times. . . . The fact is that Helena and Violet are
really perfect deal's. Pray let me introduce you.
Still the War books come ; and not in single spies. But
536
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [DECEMBER 29, 1915.
however dense their battalions there should, I am sure, ; dislike and despise Toby Settringham, You cannot judge him
remain room and a warm welcome in our hearts for the ', by ordinary standards. He is such a good chap. You feel
one I have last read, the title of which is With My all the time that he will wake up and be ashamed of himself,
Rt'ijiincnt (HEINEMANN), and its author a young officer who and then he will prove his real worth ; and of course this
discreetly signs himself " PLATOON COMMANDER." His
discreetly signs
volume, which has at least the classic excuse of being a
is what happens. I was a little sorry that Madame ALBANKSI
fell back on the old device of the birth of a child to bring
little one, is published at the pleasantly economical price | about the reconciliation of Toby and his wife, but I suppose
of three -shillings -and -sixpence, and from cover to cover the temptation was irresistible ; and, after all, it is probably
is filled with most vivid and well-realized pictures of the
early days of the War, as they presented themselves
to the writer. That is the special value of the book,
that it gives in detail just those impressions that the
stay-at-home watchers of Platoon Commanders most
wish to receive ; to read it is to share every experience
(almost) in the life of a lieutenant on active service, from
the day when he hurriedly joined at the outbreak of War,
to that on which the Hospital Ship welcomes him, as a cot-
case, to her tender ministrations. But the book is not only
of interest for its descriptions of campaigning. Into his sub-
ject, arma rirosqnc, the writer introduces many incidental
portraits of the men who
are making our War, of
fellow - officers, the re-
sourceful company com-
mander, or the junior sub.,
fresh from Sandhurst,
facing unmitigated horror
with the quiet heroism of
a boy and a gentleman ;
of certain N.C.O.'s in
whom a deserved tribute
is paid to a magnificent
body ; and finally of the
best private soldiers in
the world. " The men are
fine," said a letter from
the Front that I opened
while in the very act of
readingTFii/i My Regiment.
" If the Germans could
see their spirit they 'd give
in at once." No better
words could be applied as
the motto of a little book
that everyone who has
relations or friends at the West Front, and more especially
the parents, sisters, cousins and aunts of Platoon Com-
manders, should make a point of reading.
I do not know which to admire more, the courage of
Madame ALBANESI in sitting down to write a long novel
with a hero whom only the most skilful handling could
make sympathetic, or the art with which she has triumphed
over this obstacle. She has set herself one of the most
difficult tasks which the art of fiction presents to those who
practise it, and, in the expressive American phrase, she has
"got away with it." One of the most rigid rules governing
fiction is that the hero, whatever his other defects, must
never marry for money. He may have his faults, but he
must not do that. Yet such is the magic of Madame
ALBANESI'S pen that, although the hero of The Sunlit
Hills (HUTCHINSON) deliberately commits this worst of
crimes, never for a moment does the reader cease to like
him. Perhaps you imagine that there were mitigating
circumstances, that he did this thing to support a widowed
mother or to restore the dear old family estates ? Not at
all. He did it from purely selfish motives, because he liked
money and tli3 ease which money brings, and this was the
only way to get it. And yet, as I say, it is impossible to
IP WE HAD BEEN PRUSSIANS.
Scenes from a revised History of Great Britain.
EICHARD III. (after tluit little affair of tlie Princes in the Tower) BECEIVKS,
AT HIS OWN BEQUEST, THE IBON CEOSS.
what would have happened in real life. Madame ALBANESI
has the knack — achieved by virtue of her admirably natural
dialogue — of making the reader feel that lie is reading about
living people. She uses no wood in the manufacture of her
characters. Toby Settringham is so alive that he becomes
a personal friend on the second page ; and Oscar Bed is, I
think, the only moneylender I have met in fiction who
gave the impression of being able to walk and talk without
active support and prompting on the author's part.
Among the many things that — without wishing to argue
about the reason — I have clung to from my youth up is a
tender feeling for pirates,
and I am not at all grate-
ful to Mr. LOVAT FUASKR
for trying to rob me of
this cherished possession.
Yet Pirates (SiMi'Kix,
MARSHALL) is garbed, us
it should be, in a garish
cover; it contains "decora-
tions" by Mr. FRASKK I hat
would thrill a cod-fish ; its
mere title is enough to
stir the blood of the
most anaemic. Moreover
Pirates lias a delightful
history, for it appears
that it reproduces The
History and Lives of all
themost Notorious Pimti'x
and their Cretcs, the fifth
edition of which was
printed in 1735, and that
this book was a " piracy "
of a larger work by Cap-
tain CHARLES JOHNSON,
entitled A General History of the Pyrates from their first
Rise and Settlement in the Island of Providence to the
Present Time ; with the Remarkable Actions and Adventures
of the tiro Female Pyrates, Mary Read and Anne Bonni/. The
smaller book takes no cognisance of the second section, and
so we miss the deeds of these adventurous women, but we
have record enough of the crimes of such men as Captains
AVERY, JOHN BACKHAM, ANSTIS, etc., to satisfy most of us.
My trouble is that their crimes were too sordid, that they
murdered each other with an impartiality that is bound to
be distressing to anyone who has a regard for their pro-
fession. I am not sure that even my profound affection
for Smee is proof against the devastations caused by this
dreadful thing that Mr. FRASER has thrown at me.
"There is shortly to be opened at Nuneaton, her birthplace, a
memorial to George Eliot. This is the first public memorial to be
erected to the novelist's memory, the other one in existence being
that erected by Mr. F. A. Newdigate-Newdegate, M.P., on his
estate Arbury— the Chovoral Manor of her works — where George
Eliot was born." — Morning Paper.
GEORGE ELIOT appears to have had HOMER'S knack of
being born in several (we will not say cheveral) places at
once.
THE PASSING.
" A PINT of British lager, if you please," said the dear old gentleman who was my vis-d-vit in the restaurant car,
and he turned from the waiter to me. " One misses the Munich kin 1," he said, " but I couldn't stomach it now."
" Nor I, Sir," I replied, and was glad that he had spoken. I had watched his benevolent face — it seemed some-
how familiar — in the compartment which we had shared, and wished he would speak to me. And now, with notlmij;
but a small table for two between us, the ice, as they say, was broken, and we fell to talking of the changes of taste and
habit, even in little things like lager, that the War had brought about.
" I should like to tell you, if I may," he said, " of a rather sad dream that I had last night. In my sleep I found
myself in a certain London bier-halle (now Anglicized) that I used to frequent in the old days before everything German
became impossible. Though the decorations of the room were still as I knew them, the atmosphere had changed
with the management. I was sitting in meditation at my favourite table when there fell upon my ear a gentle moan,
very human and appealing. I looked up. It was just from where the little man in the red cap was smiling from
behind a Gargantuan barrel of beer that the sound of tender lamentation seemed to come. To be sure the little fellow
was only half a man, being a flat presentment on the frescoed wall of the restaurant, and of course it could not have
been he who had spoken. And then suddenly I knew that it was.
" ' You don't mind me speaking to you?' said the small person. He came right off the wall as he said the word*
and squatted on the wooden table with its dumpy legs, swinging his own as he took his place. ' You seo I fancied
you would understand. I shouldn't wonder if they close this place now, for it is gone and will never come back
any more."
" ' What "s missing? ' I asked, feeling sorry for his dejection.
" ' You know. I have often seen you coming in for a sandwich and a drop of Miinchner. What I am sorry
for is that it is all over, all the jolly old spirit of Germany; but there — it is gone, and nothing will make things the
same again. You see we were the real Germany, the Germany you and the rest admired. Pity to spoil it all, for
there was a lot of good in it, and we never did any harm." He planted his feet on a chair and shifted his Id-It.
" ' I come from the Ehine, but I 've been here in London for years now. Good place Germany, or it was once,
but 1 shall never go back. They can scratch me off the wall if they like, I don't care.'
" ' You don't approve of this Kaiser person, then ? ' I asked, a little relieved, for it seemed strange to be conversing
with one who possibly should have been interned. The little man shook his head till the red cap quivered.
" ' Him ! ' he said with vibrating contempt. ' No, I don't. He 's not Germany. It 's we who are Germany,
we and my friends ; and we are sorry, I can tell you that. Up there ' — he gave a backward gesture whence he had
538
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [DECEMBER 29, 1915.
come — -'we have talked it over, and we are all agreed. They have gone mad. You know what I mean. You've seen
the Rhine. I heard you speaking o£ it one night, for you always used to sit close to me here. I am thinking of all
that, and the music and the dreams, and the old professors — real professors who scorned politics as trivial things — and
turret windows, and ancient cities, and fat old burgomasters, and the little villages and the kinder. You know the
Christmas Tree came from there, the old Germany which \ve used to love when folks were kind and did their best.'
As he spoke he waved his hand, and in an instant there stood in the centre of the now deserted cafe a radiant
vision of a tree, all fairy lights and dark and mysterious shadows, with dainty little fair-haired Gretchens sitting on
the branches, and toy houses suspended by golden twine.
" ' It was good, wasn't it ? ' murmured the little man as the vision faded away ; ' but it wasn't only that. Germany
had its kingdom, a mighty kingdom among the only things which really matter. It had romance and the spring, and
it was good to see the students, to hear the laughter, and to listen to the old fellow who used to play the violin at
that place in Heidelberg, you remember him ? Ah, yes, it is sad enough, for it never can happen again, since the spirit
of the true Germany is dead. No, it never can happen again — never again — never again — He seemed about to say
it once more, when suddenly there was a step on the stairs and a waiter hurried across the room, coming from the modern
department on the floor above, and I looked up to see that my friend had returned to his place behind the beer barrel.
"That was my dream. Of course the little fellow had been out of Germany for many years, and
had not seen that the changes of which he spoke had been going on for a long, long time under the influence of
Prussian militarism. So that to-day we are not just at war with the KAISER and his professional soldiers, we are at
war with the whole German nation whose heart they have brutalised. How else can you account for the ecstasy of
delight with which the sinking of the Luaitania, to take one example, was received by all classes in Germany? No
such change of heart could be made on a sudden, even under the stress of war . . . Shall we go back to our compart-
ment and continue this talk?" . . . We returned, lit pipes, and ho began again.
" We too, of course, have changed, but not like that. We have roused ourselves from our apathy ; we have
learned to hate, and more hotly than we ever hated anything before, the spirit which provoked the War, and whose
conduct of it has put our enemies for ever outside the communion of humanity. But we have not changed our hearts ;
we still cling to the old ideals and nurse the old hopes ; we have not denied our faiths and loyalties ; we have not lost
our sense of honour and pity, nor yet our love of that humour in which tears and laughter are blent. I hope not ; I
hope not," he said very earnestly. " I look into my own heart and tell myself that I can find no change there.
But I should like the test of some one else's unprejudiced opinion." He looked me very straight in the eyes as though
to probe my sympathies. Then he rose and took a nice fat bag from the rack.
" I have here," he explained, " a few samples of my own thoughts, put down during the last half-year that has so
tried our English temper. I am to give them to my friends for an Old Year's memory and a New Year's greeting.
Will you do me the favour of accepting a copy, and letting me know at your leisure whether you think my heart, as
far as these pages reveal it, is right ? You will find my name and address on the fly-leaf."
As I was passing down the corridor behind him I had noticed a familiar excrescence between his shoulders,
and now my best suspicions were confirmed as he handed me Mr. Punch's
ne tmtrretr mttr
$0Imrie.
DK,KM,,,H 29, 1915.] l-cxcif, oi; Till-: LONDON CHARIVARI
.:•
Cartoons.
PARTRIDGE, BERNARD.
Advance that Faiu«l (Tho) 211
Boys of the Dachshund Breed .... 83
Cell of the Tsar (The) 2SI
< 'Vim Sweep (A) VI
Dead 8«>a Fruit Ml
Empty Victory (An) 491
Friend in Need (A) «1
Heroic Serbia 851
Houeuzollrni Habit (The) 811
Hommage a la France ! S
Last Word (The) 2M
Le Grand Penseur 181
Matter of Routine (A) 411
Hew Departure (The) 021
Permudhig of Tlno fThe)
Prtde before the " Fall "
Privilege
Record Breaker (Th«)
Reluctant Swain*
8elf-inTtMd Onrst (The) .
To LiKhten the Ship
Two Ideals (The) HO-H
Unauthorised FllrUUon (An) 471
RAVEN-HlLL, L.
AfterOneYear >»
AnawerfThe) ...".•• *?
Balkan Question (Tb«)
Banqueting** Usual **
By Way of a Change 10
Carolling by Command M»
Derby'.Day 4PJ
KnerayM.P.(Tlw) «J
Ganymede and the Oma IM>» '
Hall, Column*! *»
Imp. of War (The) *4t
New " Battle of the Baltic " (Th.) IM
Old Man of the Sea (The) '
On the Tracker'. Track '
Our Friend the Enemy »4
Peace Talk
Piilitieml Economlit (The)
Pronto of Winter iThe)
RMdr and WaWnf .
» .: -i •
TowxnMn, F. H.
Churchill • >n
On th. King .High way .
I •• i, II I .
Articles.
ASTON, JOHN.
They also Serve*' !•>
BERF.MFORD, J. D.
Victim of Invasion (A) 24
BIDDER, MAJOR.
Twenty-two *-'
BROWN, C. HILTON
,litu.leofPrivatoWillocksCnie)40!
Munitions J|j
Vamhi JSJ
"Pi" 4|
BROWN, H. C. B.
Aunt'8 Guide to the Army 82
Birr.NET. \V. HolHISON
" KoiuiMtional"
BrsiiRiix'.E, A. W.
As Advised '
To a Neutral Friend *»
CARSON, J. H. B.
Ilex of the Transport 38
CARTER, DESMOND.
Arms and the Woman 87
CLARKE, DUDLEY
(ifiitle Slacker (The) H
Musketry Instructions «
Cnr.i:, Miss JOYCE
Buttons
161
PTLACK, F. M.
From a Belgian Garden W. M
ARK, RICHARD
Out of the Put >'
Tomlinson's Progres* !>'
Watcher at the Window (The) .... W
HVEY, H. W.
Telephone at the Front CThe) .... 40
DENNIS, G. P.
Balkan Intelligence »»
)l!ENNAN, M '.X
Chatto and the Pessimist }|
In his Own Defence I6
Meditation* of Marcus O'Reilly . .
On r School ^V\«
Re. -ruitingofPoppeM Minimus (The)S29
DllESNAN, W. ST. G.
1
Conn, THOMAS
Enility Sleeve (Ths)
Exception (The) »«
COLLINS, G. II.
DtrgtoftheDmuOoit(TlM) .... 45
Jeune I'n'ini.T (The) «
Our Literary Tapleys '
Saving (ilMO's £
Siilfli"ht on History (A) •
Si-nal (The) *
To an Alarum -
To my Postmaid *
Ki'KKl'.sI.KY, AUTIItT.
Appro. Week (The) ...
Colourable Incident (A)
GlLLEHIMK, A. B.
Summer and Sorrow *
Ormira, H. N.
Antl-AlrcraR «•« *•
Lonely Subaltern (A) «•
1 H: WK.1, C. L., ANDLCCAS, E. V.
IlTklrlmry Hall «J
New War Book. !•»
GRAVES, C. L.
Ballad of Bulb. (A)
Compenaatkin (The;
Croaker (The)
)
ling !
••
tK
. t*
-
. ST
. t»»
Social Situation (The) •• -^ :; *J*
S|»-ciality Turns for the Music Hills 407
Ku L8, FIJANK
ClianKes in the Army •••••••• JJ
l)n :un of Private Atkins (The) .... K
Letters- Patent or Otherwise 15
EMAM-EL, WALTER
Cliarivaria 6, 41, 61, 81, 101
FAY, STANLEY J.
Fount of Inspiration (The) »
1 i SN, CLIVE R.
Passing (The)
FREEMAN, W.
Honeymoon (The)
t;\i;sriN, C.
" Quaf Sous Lait " "
Trooper(The) 61
GARVEY. Miss I.
Blanche's Letters ««.
Letter from Gretchen (A)
637
n
-i -
11 m • H
Human Side
Iconocl»»t(Tb»)...
Importunate* (The)
Indecision
Juan
Kilty: a War Portrait
Ixi«t Luxury (A)
Meatlau Magic
New Way with Old Clothe* (A).
Novelist Astray (The)
Our Jumble Sale
Pipe* (The): A Palinode
Rhyme, for »1I Time*
Roosevelt on Wltoon
Sonnet of Strange Sound.
To Anthony TroUope
To Bill, awd «
To Patrick, aged 2
Two Heroes J*
Tyranny of Baling fThe) '•
Ul.iM»"t«u» Scot (The)
War's 8urpri««*
M«
. *7
»
I
•
:.
. :•
. 4M
41
HALL, COMMANDER FITZROT
More Hucot* for oar Heroe*
HASELDKH, PERCY
Adventurer (The)
.n Men
HAWKINS. Mi<- M. L.
Women to Men «
SI
I
FMdlngthe Nation*
[CEHKT, A. P.
Rum ........ :
Throuirli tk. O.U o« Hocm ........ V
To Jam** .................
TwtttlM UM Tvk ...... ......m J*
Woe* of. Wom»W CTW). •«« f*, »
HODOKIXHOK, T.
•• Beware of ImlUUo**" .......... JJ
RoKh Humour .................. »
ortk*MUM(A)
P.MlnVorUMMotker-lD.U
Thing. th*t IUtt*r ..
WltiMM far th. D«t»n«CT*«)
m
H"-KES, J. K.
»*. !
8orprb.VWt(A)
HUWILU, CAFT. E. B.
Mor. rUhlDg In n.«**n ....
Hi ..IIEU, C. E.
Raapert lor th. CJfltt
|lVM.M\N. S. II.
H(A)
ssa-^—-
Oentlrr W.p with IW
Thing* he might do
Al.KC
. «4
*4T
. 4U
. Sit
KEI..WIS, R- P.
OiftofTonfW'CTI'') ............ "
510 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [DECEMBER 29, 1915.
Articles — continued.
Kinn, ARTHUR
Eclio of " Tlio Big Drum " (An). ... 237
Meals and thc> Man 148
New Inferno (Tin-) 68
Our Super-Optimist 370
Permissible Extravagance (A) 168
LANCI.EY, F. 0.
Watch Dogs (The). .48, 88, 133, 156, 348.
306, 428, 443, 4S8, 524
LEHMASS, R. 0.
Budget (The) 338
Coughs and Colds 4'.i8
Diary (The) 378
Eleven to One IflS
Four-Poster (The) BUS
In Kensington Square 70
Killed in Action 310
Making of a Soul (The) 122
"My Seta Sir " 278
Novel (The) 438
Sea-Socks 178
Sinister Bondage 518
Thrift 96
Unwritten Letters to the Kaiser . . Ha,
•216. 242, 290, 3S8, 410, 402, 522
Volunteering Spirit (The) 30
War- Loan Form (The) 58
Wood 238
LOCKKII, W. A.
Charivaria weekly
LUCAS, E. V.
Charlie 186
" Cut the Cackle ..." 528
Dogs at Bay 302
Economists (The) 314
Famous Victory (A) I6S
General Rising (A) 340
Ho'.ding the Line 389
Manor in the Air (A) 487
Mould of Form (A) 217
My Friend's Crutches 146
New Vivisection (The) 465
Non-Stopper (A) 502
On Bellona's Hem.... 245, 267 285, 405
Single Thought (A) 331
Sommevere-en-France 138
Universal Pretext (The) 497
Young Bobin Bed 510
W. G 375
Way to the City of Light (The) .... 445
LTTCY, HENRY
Essence of Parliament during Session
McCREE, LlEUT.-CoL. JOHN
Iii Flanders Fields 468
MAC KEXZIE, A. G.
Ollire-Girl(The) 233
MAcRoiiEUT, CAPTAIN J.
Her Grace's Hospital 349
Pair of Braces (A) 307
MARSHALL, Miss II.
Holiday's End 216
MAKTIN, N. R.
Constabulary Tact 478
Great Game (The) 200
Man in Earnest (The) M
"They also Serve" 517
Wottler nml the Matron (The) .... 426
Nonius, FLEET-SURGEON H. L.
War Poem (The) 470
OGILYIE, W. H.
Australian (The) 490
OYI.EII, Miss M.
Bobin at the Front (A) 295
PK/.AI:E, C. T.
Defaulters 135
Pl.r.MllE, C. CONWAY
Angels at Mons (The) 293
Canadian to his Parents (A) 19;.
Janet 8112
Shell-Turner to a Shell (A) 128
POPE, Miss JESSIE
Ueauty Triumphant G7
Cases 507
POWELL, G. H.
Censor among the Poets (The) .... 845
Further Concessions : 222
PllITCHARD, J. T.
Back 218
Lower Third (The) 142
RIGISY, REGINALD
Army Contracts 8
Best Seller (A) 2S6
Gap (The) 388
"M 'or "N" 148
Mote and the Beam (The) 137
Veg 308
RISK, R. K.
Assisting Nature 7
RlTTENIiEIlG, MAX
Govertisement 105
Our Neighbour's Duty' 107
ROBERTS, E. W. G.
Too Coinpleat Angler (The) 147
ROWAN, HILL
"Day "(The) 154
SEAMAN, OWEN
Atl'air of Outposts (All)
At the Play OS, 356, 376,
Hal kan Nursery Rhymes
liitter Cry for Butter (The)
Culture and the Colossus
Dear Old Fetish (A)
How to Review War Poetry
Limitations of the Kaiser (The)
Mof
M ore SOITOWS of the Sultan
To a Soldier M.P. Home from the
Front
To a /eppelin
To Ferdinand on his Prospects ....
To Mr. McKenna
Trained Volunteers and the lie^'isti'i-
Trench-llirnour made in Germany
U.'berland Route (The)
Wanted : A Censor of the House . .
War Notes
Wayside Calvary (The)
Weary Willie, Junior
SHAKESPEARE, CAPTAIN W. .1.
Fishing in Flanders
SMITH, BERTRAM
< 'hanging the Bowling
Diversions of the Cabinet
How to End the War in no Time . .
How to Make a Boom in Vouchers
Row to Touch the Working Man's
Pocket
Inside Knowledge
Navy in a Nutshell (The)
New Light on National Finance . .
Our *' Helpful " Series
Press in War-Time (The)
Running the War
Sumptuary Laws
To Get the Men
Truth about the Boots (The)
Uses of the Fund (The)
Winding up our Watch
SMITH, Miss C. Fox
Ballad of the Resurrection Packet
(The)
Conversation Book (The)
"Light Cruisers (Old)"
Mouth Organ (The)
SMITH, E. B.
Ferguson
Phases of a Year of War
Super-Saleswoman (The)
Si ERNE, ASHLEY
Country Cotters (The) 86, 116,
Flying Colours 3(M
Hair-Tonic (The) 234
Life on a Halved Income 436
Map-Makers (The) 306
MyConsol £2
M y Moustache 482
Our Ally 15S
Rondeau of Regvet (A) 374
Shirker (The) 201'.
Stooping to Conquer _.">''>
To a Weeping Willow 113
Tonsorial Finance 176
SYKES, A. A.
Burning the Brassard 225
Squad Drill wirh K'-spiralurs 2
Terrors of the Dark 314
TALLENTS, S. G.
Khaki Courtship (A) 246
Wounded Hero (A) 608
TEWAP.T, A. PRESTOS
Breakdowns and Repairs 45
Daughter of France (A) 318
Dead Secret (A) 175
High Water Mark (The) 209
Kippy of the " Blues " i'2S
M y Working Party 425
THOMAS, F. S.
Literary Forecasts 98, 101
Our Children's Corner . . .' 505
THOMAS, R. W.
Doing his Bit 2 or,
Supreme Sacrifice (The) 155
THOROI.D, R. A.
Philosophy of Thomas (The) 462
Professional (The) 207
THORP, JOSEPH
At the Play 196, 230, 310, 356
TRUSCOTT, PARRY
Family Ties 4I.r.
Sale Price 494
TURNER, J. H.
Chat with Scyllaand Charybdis(A) 4C.S
Imminent Problem (The) 475
VAIZEY, MRS.
Zeppelin Bag (The) 100
VENNER, N. J. 13.
Toast in War-time 634
WALKER, F. C.
To a Bad Correspondent in Camp. . 417
WESTI.ASD, Miss A. M.
Traitor (The) 75
WHITE, R. F.
Territorial in India (A) 173,220, 287,506
Pictures and Sketches.
ARMOUR, MAJOR G. D. . . 39, 59, 77, 133, 179,
199, 239, 279, 299, 319, 339, 359, 375,
399, 419, 439, 459, 479, 499, 519
BACMER, LEWIS . . 10, 18, 23, 55, 69, 89, 114,
149, 157, 197, 215, 237, 249, 290, 330,
350, 374, 390, 418, 457, 470, 509, 530
BELCHER, GEORGE . . 5, 79, 99, 155, 175, 205,
274, 354, 379, 394, 435, 467, 495, 534
BENNETT, FRED 61
BEUTTLEH, LIEUT. E. G. 0 381
BIRD, W 13, 46, 120, 134, 166, 195, 257,
317, 366, 401, 415, 456, 486
BLAIKLEY, ERNEST 326
BROCK, H. M 407, 477, 485
BROOK, RICARDO 98, 141, 160, 161, 194,
234, 240, 246, 276, 306, 361, 441, 461,
466, 506, 521
BUCHANAN, FRED 266, 315
COBB, Miss RUTH 298
DIXON, G. S 66
DOWD, J. II 286
DOWNEY, THOMAS 281
DRUMMOND, STEVEN B 526
PENNING, WILSON 78, 101
FRASER, P .16, 186, 207, 295, 430, 481
GERMAN, DICK 38
GRAVE, CHARLES 35, 85, 154, 187, 219,
267, 309, 447
HARRISON, CHARLES 13, 106, 297
HART, FRANK 217, 235, 449
HASELDEN, W. K 316, 356, 357, 376, 516
HENRY, THOMAS 136, 314, 38G
HICKLING, P. B „ . 405
HOPKINS, EVERARD 146, 261
JENNIS, G 233, 313, 341
LLOYD, A. W 33, 53, 54
Low, HARRY .
LUST, WiLMo
MILLAR, H. R
MILLS, A. WALLIS
247, 277, 310,
MORROW, EDWIN.
. . 30, 45
347, 409,
41, 334, 446
67, 165, 529
206
94, 107, 147, 227,
425, 454, 487, 527
75, 81, 406
MORROW, GEORGE 28, 29, 40, 60, 80, 100,
135, 180, 200, 220, 255, 280, 300, 320,
327, 363, 380, 398, 400, 414, 420, 440,
474, 498, 514, 520, 536
MORROW, NORMAN 140
NORHIS, ARTHUR 153, 167, 346, 434, 460,
475, 501
PARTRIDGE, BERNARD 1
PEGHAM, FRED 127, 259, 265, 369, 389,
421, 455, 515
PRANCE, BERTRAM 178, 221, 321, 498
RAVEN-HILL, L 17, 20-21, 34, 173, 209,
275, 397, 429, 510, 538
REYNOLDS, FRANK 24, 25, 26, 27, 37, 44,
70, 97, 117, 145, 170, 189, 229, 245,
269, 287, 335, 355, 437, 489
REYNOLDS, PERCY T 6
ROUNTIIEE, HARRY 12, 137
SHEPARD, E. H 57, 119, 193, 250, 270,
294, 329, 357, 417
SHEPPERSON, C. A 9, 11, 50, 90, 115, 129,
150, 190, 213, '230, 254, 305, 337, 349,
370, 395, 430, 450, 497, 517
SIMMONS, GRAHAM 95, 174, 340, 426, 480
STAMPA, G. L...16, 56, 74, 108, 126, 130, 169,
181, 250, 289, 301, 307, 367, 387, 410,
427, 469, 490, 535
STYCHE, FRANK 196
TENNAST, DUDLEY 4CO
THOMAS, BERT 87, 125, 214, 377
TOWNSEND, F. H. 7, 14, 15, 49, 65, 73, 93, 105,
113, 139, 159, 177, 185, 201, 225, 236,
241, 253, 273, 285, 293, 325, 333, 345,
353, 365, 373, 385, 393, 413, 433, 445,
453, 465, 473, 493, 505, 513, 525, 533
WILSON, DAVID 86, 210, 226, 507
PLEASE DO NOT REMOVE
CARDS OR SLIPS FROM THIS POCKET
UNIVERSITY OF TORONTO LIBRARY
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