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JAMES NICHOLSON

Presented to the
LIBRARY of the

UNIVERSITY OF TORONTO

THE ESTATE OF THE LATE
JAMES NICHOLSON

PUNCH, on TH LONPOH CHAIVAI, JUNE rj, *9'7-

PUNCH

Vol. CLII.
JANUARY JUNE, 1917.

PUNCH, on THR I.<>NIM>N CHAKIVAHI, JUNE 17, 1917-

LONDON :
PUBLISHED AT THE OFFICE, 10, BOUVERIE STREET E.G.

1917.

PUNCH, on THE LONDON CHAKIVAKI, JUNK 37, 1917*

MOV 1 6' 1959

. cX //

Bradbury, Agnew * Co., Ltd.,

Printers,
Whitefrlars, London, B.C. 4.

ALMANACK

Picture Offer

To " De Reszkc " Smokers only

This " Rilette " picture, "If Dreams Came True," on art paper, 15 ins. by 10 ins., will be sent
free to any smoker forwarding to Messrs. J. Millhoff & Co., Ltd. (Dept. 7), 86, Piccadilly,
London, W., a " De Reszke " box lid and 21!. in stamps, mentioning Picture No. 34. Other
pictures in the series (41 in all) may be had on the same terms, viz.: a box lid and 2d. for each
picture required. Complete list of pictures on receipt of id. postage.

2) ream <s Came

[In painting the picture reproduced above, which tuas first published some months ago, the artist derived his inspiration
from tr letter sent by an Officer at the front to the manufacturer; of " De Reszh " Cigarettes. Thai the picture made a strong
appeal to the feelings of those on Active Service is illustrated by the fact that it has, in turn, inspired tnt verses printed below].

BLUE MAGIC

(Inspired by

WHEN I smoke my cigarette
I can see two red lips curving,
In the magic picture set
Where the smoke goes floating, swerving.
I can see two bright eyes smiling

(Dear twin battery, most unnerving!)
To my sweet and sure beguiling,
I can see two red lips curving.

When I smoke my cigarette

I can hear a soft voice calling
Very faint and far, and yet

Nearer than the shrapnel falling.
1 can hear a kind word spoken,

To my very heart's enthralling.
While my magic ring's unbroken

I can hear a soft voice calling.

If Dreams Came True'")

When I smoke my cigarette

1 can feel a hand's caressing ;
Close my eyes a touch I gee

Fleeting as a fairy's blessing.
Little dainty, tender fingers

That so late my lips were pressing ;
On my cheek your fragrance lingers,

I can feel your soft caressing.

So I smoke my cigarette

Little Sweetheart, can you hear me ?
Weave awhile my cloudy net,

Charm your gracious presence near me,
Shut out all that's grim and tragic

Would you so console and cheer me,
Send some more " De Reszke " magic.

Little Sweetheart did you hear me r

CHRIS RICHARDSON

" De Reszke " Cigarettes arc sold c^eiywhere ; or fast free from J. Millhof C3 5 Co., Ltd., 86, Piccadilly, London, W.

Punch's Almanack for 1917.

CALENDAR, 1917.

Sarmarp

jfebruats

flbarcb .

Sprtl

/E>as

June

Tw
W
TH
F
S

3
4

8
9

"4
15
16

22
23
24
25
26
27

28
29
3

M
Tu
W
TH
F
S

4
6

8
9

'4
15
16

18
19

20
21

22
23
24

25
2t

27
28

M
Tu
W
TH
F
S .

8
9

12
'3

M
15
16

20
21
22
23
24

25
26

27
28
29
30
31

...

Tu
W
TH
F
.S

8
9

20
21

22
23

29
3

Tu
W
TH
F
S

3
4
5

13
M
15
16

17
18

20
21
22
23
24
25
26

M
Tu
W
TH
F
S

4
1

8
9

13
M

20
21
22
23

24
11

11
29
30

...

3ulg

Bugust

September

ctober

Rovembet

December

M
To
W
TH
F
S

8
9

20
21

22
23
24

2 5
26

27
28

29
3
3i

M
Tu
W
TH
F
S

g
9

1219
13 20
14 21
15 22

1 6 23

1724
1825

27
28
29
30
31

M
Tu
W
TH

F
S

3
4

12
'3
'4
15

20
21
22

23
24
25
26

27
28

M
Tu
W
TH
F
S

3
4

8
9

14
15

21
22
23
24
25
26

28
29

3
3'

M
Tu
W
TH
F
S

4
6

8
9

18
19
20

22
23
24

27
28
29

3 .

Tu
W
TH

12
'3

'4
'5

'7
IS

19
20
21
22

11
11

2<3

Punch's Almanack for 1917.

AFTER THE WAR: THE WAR-WORK HABIT.

LADY GKEEN-PABKER (LATE PLATOON-COMMANDER IN A
WOMAN'S VOLUNTEER CORPS) STARTS HER GARDENERS AT WORK
FOE THE DAY.

'MRS. BROMPTON RHODES (WHO HAS BEEN WORKING os THE
LAND) FINDS IT IMPOSSIBLE TO ARRANGE THE FLOWERS ON HER
DINING-TABLE WITHOUT DONNING HER SMOCK AND CORDUROYS.

LADY ALBERT HALL (FORMERLY A RED-CROSS AMBULANCE
DRIVER) DEALS WITH A BREAK-DOWN OF HER CAR IN BOND

STREET.

Tun HON. MRS. KENSINGTON GORE (ONCE A MUNITION-
WORKER) IS INFORMED THAT SOMETHING IB WRONG WITH THE
TAP OF HER SCULLERY SINK.

Punch's Almanack for 1917.

AFTER THE WAR : THE WAR- WORK HABIT.

rnmm

THE DDCHKSS OF PIMLICO (WHO USED TO ENTEBTAIN CONVALESCENT SOLDIERS AT HER COUNTRY BEATS) GIVES A GARDEN PARTY
AT PiMLICO HOUSE, BELOBAVIA.

THE COUNTESS OP KNIOHTBBBIDGE AND HER CHARMING DAUGHTERS (WHO HAVE ALL BEEN WORKING IN CANTEENS) CANNOT AT
ONCE ACCUSTOM THEMSELVES TO THE ORDINARY AMENITIES OP AFTERNOON "AT HOMES."

Punch's Almanack for 1917.

Sergeant-Major (who has the professional mind). "He's A GOOD MAN IN THE TRENCHES, Sin, AND A GOOD MAN IN A SCKAF, Sin;

BUT YOU 'IX NEVER MAKE A SOLDIER OF HIM."

Scrgcant-Major (to ncrrous gunner who has got mixed up with dray-rope). "WHAT WEHE YOU BEFORE YOU JOINED THE Aiisn ? A

BSAKE-CHA'RMEH? "

Punch's Almanack for 1917.

HOME-MADE MUNITIONS.

Punch's Almanack for 1917.

"HEAVESS, SEBGEANT, WHAT'S THIS?"

"THAT JOKE OF MINE, YOU KNOW WHEN I ASK A BECBOIT WHO'S BEEN THROWN, 'Wno THE DEVIL ASKED IUL 10 UI.S

SlB? ' ^YELIJ, HEBE 'S OSE OF THE PAPERS SAYS IT ! S THE OLDEST WHEKZE IN THE WOBLD 1 "

%VlIY KOI A A'.A.D. SECTION OF VIVANDIKRES AT OUK THli.VIKK-BA.US TO BENDEli Filial' AID TO AXV ISKCliLESS YOUTH \V1IO
IIAS THE TEMEBITS TO TAKE A THEATRE WHISKV?

Punch's Almanack for 1917.

A FALSE ALARM.

' CALL ME AT SEVEX SHAM."

BOOM!

BAN-G I

CRASH I

"On. /KITS?'

"I WAS All AID IT WAS TIMK TO GET UP ! '

Punch's Almanack for 1917.

THE COMPLETE FILM ACTOR.

th P a P ers - B ! u gives him a

swinging blow to the jaw, a few more
Mr. Percy Garrick Smithers, actor, heavy ones to various other parts of tho
finding the path to fame less smooth body, and then proceeds to kick the old
on the legitimate afcage than he believed I man to death as the latter lies help-
it io ho by the Cinema route, went ) less on tho floor. It's one of those

thrilling scenes
the juveniles like
so much! Then
you come in and
tackle Bill."

" Quite so," said
Percy.

"A terrific fight
ensues. Bill sur-
passes anything
he has ever done
in the ring, and it
goes on until at
last you collapse.
Bill escapes, leav-
ing you for dead.
Do you catch the
idea?"

" Pretty well,"
said Percy.

" Now Bill goes
straight away to
the police office
and states that
you have mur-
dered his uncle.
When you come
to, you are sur-
rounded by about twenty members of
the police force, the chief of whom slips
the handcuffs over your wrists. W 7 ith
one wrench you snap the chain and
are free ! "

"With one wrench?" asked Percy,
to be sure he was getting the details
correctly.

" With one wrench. Then ensues
another big struggle. This time it is
yourself versus the police."

YOU A GOOD I'CGILIBT?"

to a producer of lilm plavs and offered

his services.

" Yes," said tlie producer,

I might

possibly give you lead in a big sensa-
tional I am about to put up.
a good pugilist ? "

Are ou

"I have indulged a little in the pas-
time of sparring," answered Percy.

" Good," said the producer. " You
see, the picture opens with Bill Blood-
red, the champion prize-fighter, de-
manding certain documents from his
aged uncle. As the latter won't sur-

"The twenty?'
" Quite right.

"T-r is voi'KSKLF jy:vrv THE roi.ici.."

After some time
you show signs
of weakening, and
the police look
like getting the
upper hand."

"Ah!" remark-
ed Percy.

" But just then
Mignou, the old
man's daughter,
emerges from be-
hind a screen. She
tells tho police
the facts and pro-
claims your abso-
lute innocence."

"Good!" said
Percy.

'The chief of
the police there-
upon shakes you
by the hand and
apologises. You

indicate that it will now be your life's
work to bring tho assassin, Bill, to
justice, and then you quit. I should
mention that before leaving you fall in
love with Mignon, and promise that on
your return you '11 marry her at once.
That parting scene will want a bit of
acting. Your countenance must show
successive degrees of pain, as if you
had eaten something that was dis-
agreeing with your digestion ; and you
mustn't omit the most effective suf-
fering expression of all chin raised,
mouth open, eyelids closed tightly
just as if you were about to sneeze.

'YOU ARK SKi:X FAI.l.IXG, FALLING, FALLING."

You '11 find your experience on the
tage quite useful, you know."

"Oh, quite, quite," agreed Percy.

"Now you are out in the street.
You seize the first motor-car at hand,
and start off on the grand hunt after
Bill. Through the crowded streets, out
uto tho country highway, you fly at a
;errific speed. Up the mountain passes
^ou race, down precipitous slopes with
jver - increasing momentum. Every
noment, it seems, will be your last.
But you come safely through."

" Certainly," said Percy.

"That is to say almost. Unfortu-
nately, in turning a sharp corner, the
car plunges into the waters of a rapid
mountain torrent ! "

"Dear, dear! " said Percy.

" But you come safely through "

Percy heaved a sigh of relief.

"You are seen falling, killing, fulling,

Punch's AlmanacK for 1917.

still in your car, with tho descending
cataract. Over and over you are t unicil
in the soothing waters, dashed against
rocks, hurled through ravines, and
finally you are given a sheer drop
down a perpendicular waterfall of
throe hundred feet. Out of tho white
foam formed in tho bod of the waters
you emerge swimming strongly hand
over hand, until at last you reach the
broad waters of the placid river, and
finally the shore. Here you notice a
train passing some little distance away,
and in it, gazing out of one of tho win-
dows, you observe Bill, the murderer !
You at once start in pursuit; by a
superb effort you catch up the train,
and just succeed in swinging yourself
safely on board. You can do a little
sprinting, I suppose?"

"I could give an ordinary train a

"YOU FOLLOW HIM."

bit of a start, no doubt," said Percy
with confidence.

".hist so," pursued the producer.
" And now you find yourself confront-
ing the miscreant, Bill. The train is
passing through a city. It is on the
elevated railway. Bill makes a dash
for the door, springs out, and lands on
the roof of a house. You follow him
your leap being considerably greater,
because between his jump and yours the
train lias proceeded a certain distance."

" Precisely," said Percy.

" Now there is a scramble over the
roof-tops. You climb up pipes, slide
down slates, leap across spaces between
separate houses, cling to coping stones,
and all that sort of thing."

"I grasp tho idea," said Percy.

" At last Bill is seized with a no-
tion. He throws himself on to the
telephone wires, and, hanging by his
hands, manages to convey himself
across to the houses on the opposite side
of the road. You imitate him. As Bill
arrive- cm the other side, he tuni< and

cuts the wires on which
you are crossing. Before
the ends of the \\ircs fall,
however, you turn a quick
somersault and land beside
Bill. Once more there is
a race over tho roofs un-
til Bill reaches a factory
chimney. Down the shaft
he dives. So do you. Into
the furnace below, then
out of it, the chase con-
tinues it doesn't pause
for a moment."

"Not a moment," echo-
ed Percy as in a trance.

" Yes, it does, for you
and Bill have dragged out
of tho furnace some of the
burning coal ; this has
caught some inflammable
material, and soon the
whole factory is alight.
Now you rush round to
alarm the workers. And
what do you find? Mig-
non ! She had gone out
into tho world to earn her own bread,
and had found employment in this
factory. The manager of the factory, an
arch villain, had noted Mignon's beauty,
and just as you arrive he is dragging
her away. You snatch Mignon from his
grasp. At that moment Bill comes up,
takes in the situation, seizes the treach-
erous manager,
and flings him in-
to the devouring ~-
flames. Then Bill ' . ."
assists you to
carry Mignon
through the suffo-
cating smoke out
to safety, but as
you disappear the
now dying man-
ager draws his
revolver and fires
after you.' You
are struck by the
bullet, but bear up
until, with Bill's
help, you have
brought Mignon
out of .danger.
Then you faint
a wa\ ."

"Not till then V
said Percy.

"No, not till
then. The last
scene of all will be
your wedding at

the church. ?Uig- Tin: LAST SCKXE OF ALL WILL nr, vocn

non, of course, is the bride, and Bill is i mishap should occur in the course of
your best man. You see, ho retrieved \ rehearsal. Of course I see no reason
his character by the aid given at the whatever to anticipate any accident,
factory fire, and you have forgiven 1 u 1 ; they have been known" to happen
him the murder of his uncle. Oh, and, under circumstances even more coin-
by the way. you wouldn't have to nionplrtce, if that were possible."

"Illi CUTS THE WIRES ON WHICH YOU AUB

be really shot at the rehearsals, you
know."

" That 's fine ! " said Percy. " When
would you like me to start ? "

" A week from now."

" Good. That will give me a nice
opportunity to get fit, and to have one
last good time in case any unforeseen

Punch's Almanack for 1917.

THE EVICTION OF AN ENEMY IN OUR MIDST

BRITISH MATBON, IN A SPASM OP FATBIOTISM, DECIDES TO GET KID OF HEE GEBMAJ* riAxo. MESSES. DUGOUT AND Co.

UNDERTAKE TO REMOVE IT.

"isOW, THEN, WHEN I SES, ' To ME!"

'TO ME!'

Punch's AlmanacR for 1917.

THE EVICTION OF AN ENEMY IN OUR MIDST.

THE srisiT OF FBIGHTFCLXESS ACTIVE TO THE VEBY

PEACE AT A PRICE.

Punch's Almanack for 1917.

MESOPOTAMIA.

Tommy (to Padre, wlu> )ias been telling him about tJie Scriptural associations connected with tlie country). " SCFPOEED TO BE THE
GARDEN OP EDEN, is IT, SIB? WELL, IT WOULDN'T TAKE NO FLAJIIN' SWORD TO KEEP UK OCT OF IT."

THE TRUCE AND AFTER.

[Lines alleged to have been recently found on the back of a miniature target (of which only the bull's-eye was perforated), and
believed to be the work of a private in the County of London Volunteer Regiment.]

THIS year at ease on Ben Macquhair

Couches a certain stag ;
Fearless he sniffs his native air
Because he knows I can't be there

To scare him off his crag.

This year his instinct (true, though
dumh)

Tells him by subtle signs
No bullet loosed by me shall come
Shattering earth below his turn

Or whistling through his tines.

Yet little knows he why the hill

Misses rny wonted feet,
Or how I've learned a lethal skill
At mimic butts that bodes him ill

When next I stalk his beat.

I trow that he would swoon for
fright

Upon the purple ling
To know that in a decent light
I 'd undertake the death, at sight,

Of any living thing.

O not for nothing do I grow

Efficient, eye and hand,
Schooling mvself to strike a blow
In home defence against a foe

That never means to land.

Some fruit of toil there yet shall be

For this poor volunteer ;
When War's abatement sets him

free
From bloodless duties, I. foresee

A deadly time for deer ! O. S.

Punch's Almanack for 1917.

MR. PUNCH'S UNAUTHORISED WAR PICTURES.
FIRST SERIES. AT THE FRONT.

GENERAL LLOYD GEORGE, WAK LOBD.

^ _.r-\

M:i. WIXSTOS CHURCHILL (JOURNALIST) GIVES THE Hi'N ASOTHEK SHOCK.

Punch's Almanack for 1917.

AT THE FRONT.

MB. ABNOLD BENNETT AND MM. H. G. WELLS (rival bookmakers together). "WHAT'S THIS FELLOW DOING HERE?"

Mr. Hilaire Bdloc. " THIS IBENCH ia WBONQ. IT DOESN'T AGREE WITH MY MAP.'

Punch's Almanack for 1917.

AT THE FRONT.

SIR AUTHOR WINQ PINEBO TAKES A TRIP ON A TANK TO SEE HOW HOUSES ARE DROUGHT DOWN.

SUSPENSION OF HOSTILITIES TO ALLOW Sin HEBBEivr TREE TO THROW OFF A FEW SOLILOQUIES FROM HAMLET.

Punch's Almanack for 1917.

AT THE FRONT.

LORD NORTHCLIFFE DICTATES AH ARTICLE FOB THE TltlES.

K*fwf^'~

Mu. Woonnow WILSON (WITH MASCOT) TRIES TO FIND A SYMPATHETIC SOUL.

Ptmcu'B ALMANACK FOB 1917.

, .

c^^S^S^"-^ -^^*- - \

.^a ^X^Lx"^ ^*civl

BETHMANN,

Tlie King of

Card

Manipulators

THE PROFESSOR wu

SIN&THEHYMMOF

HATE WHILE TOTALLV

SUBMERGED

Professor TlRPlTZ,

The Sub-aqueous Marvel.

TheWorlds
Greatest
Nail
Swallower,

The

erman
Imperial
uper-Prodigy

in his Stupendous
Act on the
Revolving Glob

Rhapsod
Horujr

-fi/r

ZEPPELINO,
in his thrilling
; Aerial Dive.

-> FEARLESS

IheJuggler

Balkans.

FEROIE,

The Great
LITTLE WILLIE,

Military Impersonator

Daring rerformance
on the Barbed Wire,
UNO, the Greek
Equilibrist.

^^^"^

WEARY MEHMEO ,
The Tramp Cyclist of Stamboul.

Parfni

Punch's Almanack for 1917.

SECOND SERIES. IN FRONT OF THE FRONT.

SOMK OF THK KXKMY's I NFft.FII.r.KD ANTICIPATIONS.

WILLIAM IN BAGHDAD.

Punch's Almanack for 1917.

IN FRONT OF THE FRONT.

THE CROWN PRINCE IN PARIS. A LITTLE VISIT TO THE LOUVRE.

BETHMANN-HOLLWEG OCCUPIES No. 10, DOWNING STREET. WELCOME BY TEUTON VIRGINS ARRANGED BY WOLFF, PRESS AGENT.

Punch's Almanack for 1917.

IN FRONT OF THE FRONT.

IIlSDEXBLTW lit THE NEVA-NEVA

BICHABD STRAUSS COSDUCTS THE "HTiis OF HATE" AT THE ALBERT HALL.

Punch's Almanack for 1917.

IN FRONT OF THE FRONT.

COUNT ZEPPELIN TAKES THE SURBENDEII OF LONDON.

TllirlTi: LT THE THAMES.

Punch's Almanack for 1917.

FASHIONS IN THE NEW GERMANY.

fDr. EtGEN WpLFF has contributed to the Illustrirtc ZeUung an article on "How we are to order our External Life in
the New Germaay,' 1 from which we cull the following selected passages.]

LET OUB WOMEN WHO LOOK TO PABIS FOB THE1B FASHIONS,

OUB MEN WHO LOOK TO LONDON, BEMEMBEB THAT

OUB PHYSICAL FOBM IS NOT THAI OF THE ENGLISH AND FBENCH."

CtOTIIES AF1EB THE WAR MUST BE MODELLED ON SOME PABTICULAB NATIONAL COSTUME NOTED FOB ITS EASE AND BEAUTY."

Punch's Almanack for 1917.

Uncle. "WELL, MY BOY, WHAT WOULD YOU DO IP YOU WEBB IN A BATTLE WITH ME? FOLLOW ME OB BUN AWAY?'

Nephew (carried away by martial enthusiasm and prepared to undertake anything). " BOTH, UNCLE."

Military Policeman. "WHO ABE YOU?"

Muddy Tommy. " THEY CALLS ME CALLS ME, MIND YER A BLANKETY LANCER!

Punch's Almanack for 1917.

HYGIEIA AND THE CHEMIST.

IDEAL ADVERTISEMENT OF A SUFFERER FROM INDIGESTION ABOUT TO IMBIBE A PATENT BEJIEDY.

~~~

Tllr. SAME SUBJECT FROM LIFE.

Punch's Almanack for 1917.

A ROYAL FOUR-BALL MATCH.

ST. HELENA GOLF COURSE.

. s<%g$eM*,

* V^V^ACK^Q f;j i*/.

MEIIJIED oi' TURKEY DBIVES OFF FHO.M THE FIBST TEE.

LIKE the enemy, Mr. Punch also has !
projected himself "in front of the front,"
and, in a moment of prophetic inspira-
tion, anticipated the following account,
from the pen of his Special Correspond-
ent, of a post - bellum competition on
the St. Helena links :

" The life of our royal
captives in the internment
cainp at St. Helena is the
subject of a report from
the Governor of the Island,
which was issued last night
asaPurplePaper.TheGov-
ernor, after dealing with
general matters, writes:

' In the interests of
health I have permitted
the less exalted members
of the camp to lay out a
small golf course within
the enclosed area, and
yesterday the links were
declared open, the cere-
mony taking the form of
a four-ball competition, in
which the German CROWN
PRINCE was partnered wit 1 1
FBANCIS- JOSEPH of Austria
against FERDINAND of Bul-
garia and MEHMED of Tur-
key. Although present at
the proceedings I feel that I cannot do
belter than include in my report an
account of the contest which appeared
in The Si. JMcna Sentinel'"

Extract from St. Helena Sentinel:
"Internment Camp, 3 p. in. CROWN
PHINCE, who plays slashing reckless
game, takes honour at first hole (Liege
to Loos), hooks at right angles, dents two
spectators, and ends up in Aisne Bunker.
FERDINAND (canny, cautious type of

Ciiowx

TUBOWS BAG OF CLVBS AFTER THE BALL.'

player) hits a wind-cheating screamer
which finishes fully forty yards from
the tee. Critics differ as to FBANCIS-
JOSKPH'S shot, and it is still a moot

point whether he had a species of fit
or was simply trying to follow through.
When restored to perpendicular was
found to have ball deeply embedded in
his person. Disqualified for handling.
MEHMED (a left-hander ; uses clubs with
scimitar-shaped shafts) puts his drive
over short slip into the
club-house kitchen. C. P.,
after converting Aisne
Bunker into mine crater,
picks up. M., hopelessly
bunkered in the Irish Stew,
also picks up. F. holes out
in a stealthy nineteen. Bul-
gar-Turk Combine one up.
Ind Hole (Yprcs Salient
- 120 yards pitch).
FRANCIS-JOSEPH, strongly-
urged by Czech backers to
use his foot instead of his
clubs, heels out in seven-
teen and squares the
match. (Sensation.)

3r<l hole (CzernowitcJi to
Jireat - Litowski). CROWN
I'HIXCE, taking the Pr/ar-
itczow - Blokhod - Stryp-
ovitchi line, puts long-
range shot into the Pripet
Marshes. MEHMED, after
undermining greater part
of the Bukowiua, reports progress from
the tee. FRANCIS-JOSEPH, reverting to
clubs, misses tee-shot twenty-four times
and retires exhausted to bath-chair.

Punch's AlmanacK for 1917.

I'I:I:I>IK'S wind-cheater, badly sliced, ting the cloth. 0. P. abandons hole (or

Iricl.les into the War.-!iw whins arid is i what is left of it) after missing t \\o-incli

Been was yielding grouad rapidly and
in danger of having his lines of com-
munication cut.
Maishes, drops another hall, tops it 5p.m. Mutch all square at the. turn. 7.50p.m. Citow:; PmxcEto continue

lost. C. 1'., arrived ;it edge of Piipet putt.

into batsatd, throws hag of clubs after Kxhausthc search now being made for
it, and sends for another set. Hole MEHMED, who was hist seen (and heard)
abandoned, M. having taken thirty-nine seeking his hull in the Mametz Wood.

Ominous silence for past five minutes,
(rave reason to fear that he has cut
down entire wood upon himself.

5.30 p.m. ?di:iiMi:i> rescued from
tli'liris but will take no further part
in contest, following match on a
stretcher. Fauicis-JoSKFB now shows
si^ns of extreme exhaustion and plays
all shots from bath-chair. FKRDINA.N'D.
who asserts himself a match for both
j bis opponents, won tenth hole (Helles
j Hell hundred-yards carry over dense
undergrowth) with bnissie shot that
ricoehetted off live spectators and two
trees, finishing up three inches from
; the pin. By careful putting be got
down in two more,
has just thrown
! clubs.

(> ji.m. FHANCIS-.IOKEPH has retired.
Can no longer swing a club, and has
booked l>ed in camp hospital. CUOWN
PRINCE still awaiting fresh set of
clubs. Will now play FERDINAND a
single.

6.15 [>. HI. FERDINAND, who has been
granted permission to cue on the greens,
has just won eleventh hole by a brilliant
run-through cannon off CHOWN PRINCE'S

. solus. Going out for record of tho

course.

CHOWN Piiixc-i;
awn.\ third set of

baD.

f>.30 p.m. FEKDINAND has retired.

7.10 p.m. FEBDINAND has retired
about two miles. Cause of withdrawal
occurred on fourteenth green, when P.
mis-cued and blamed CUOWN PRINCE'S
shadow. C. P., in his frighfnlnes8,

-11ANIJ EXHIBITION OF FUIGUIKL LN K.sS . ''

shots and a life-line to get out of the
Hlokhod Swamp.

4i/i Hole (Kilimanjaro to Tuiintm-
likii). CROWN PRINCE drives out of
hounds twelve times, gives away second
set of clubs and sends for a third.
KiiANcis-JoHEPH, attempting the Smuts
Smash from edgeof Usam-
bara Bunker, over balances
into hazard and is partially
suffocated. FERDINAND is
disqualified for pushing on
the green. MEHMED holes
his tee shot. (Uproar.)
Orientals one up.

3th Hole(Dowtumont to
Verdun long heart-break-
ing ti'si ,i/' tjolf.) CROWN
I'msci-: gives first-hand
exhibition of frightfulness
and cuts down caddy with
a niblick, the miserable
fellow having coughed as
C. 1". was about to drive.
MKHMKII, who is now
taking a larger size in
fexxes by reason of per-
formance at last tee, puts

eight new balls into the " A '"'".I.IAXI- ttfs-THBorBH

Meiise liurn and gives up. KUAM is- struck F. savagely in the face with a
.losKi'n, still too full of sand to play hole, batty and threw" F.'s rubber tee into
awaits arrival of vacuum-cleaner. Fr.it- Salonika Pond. When F. remonstrated.
DINAND. after twice exploiting the Big C. P. took tho offensive and F. was
Push brassie shot, is suspended for cut- forced to yield gn.und. When la -I

" TAKING A r.Ait'.tB SIX.K is

8.10p.m. Eecord al)andoned, Cuowx
PJUNCK liaving thrown away or broken
every available club in tho St. Helena
Sector."

Gocciiior's report (rexmiied). " In tho
not too sanguine hope that my prisoners
will one day grasp the meaning of the
term 'Sportsmanship,' I have given
my consent to the holding
of a cricket-match at an
early date. I am reliably
informed that in HINDEN-
uujtn the Austro-German
XI. lias a remarkable bow-
ler of the googly order. On
some of the Riga grounds,
when two feet in mud, ho
was quite unplayable. FKK-
nixAxi), who will captain
the other side, is very fast
for several overs, though
his action is not above
suspicion. Great efforts
are being made to get
FuAx< IS-.IOSKPH d) keep
wicket. 1 trust to include
an account of the match
in a subsequent report."

There was an old Tsar of Bulgaria
Who climbed like a climbing wistaria;

He spread and be spread

Till ho had to be bled
With a view to reducing his area.

Punch's AlmanacK for 1917.

THE "FORTRESS" OF LONDON.

(As PICTURED BY TEUTON IMAGINATION.)

LETTING OFF A SAMUEL JOHNSON.

A DOG'S-HOME GUN-TEAJI.

THE ROYAL ZOOLOGICAL AKTILLERY.

Punch's Almanack for 1917.

THE "FORTRESS" OF LONDON.

i\- norUBBD uv TKITTOJ? IMAGINATION.)

A CITY TEA BIIOP BEFOKE THE ALABM.

THE SAME AFTKH THE ALAIiM.

Punch's Almanack for 1917.

THE MUSIC-HALL MANAGER'S DREAM.

I BOX OFF ICE 1

Punch's Almanack for 1917.

'WHEN THE BOYS COME HOME."
PEACE DAYS IN PICCADILLY.

Excited Tommy (as the gun gets into petition). " 'ERE, BACK 'ER DOWN A BIT. SHE 's ON MY FAG ! "

Punch's Almanack for 1917.

THE FALSE INCOME-TAX RETURN

Punch's Almanack for 1917.

AND ITS RECTIFICATION.

Punch's AlmanacK for 1917.

JANUAUY 3, 1917.]

IM'NCM.

TIIK LONDON rilAIMVAIM.

MORE DISCIPLINE.

"YES, Sir," said Sergeant Wally,
accepting one of my cigarettes and re-
adjusting his wounded leg, " yes, Sir,
discipline's the tiling. It's only when
a man moves on the word o' command,
without waiting to think, that he be-
comes a really reliable soldier. I re-
member, when I was a recruit, how they
put us through it. I'd been on the
square about a week. I was a fairly
smart youngster, and I thought I was
jumping to it just like an old soldier,
when the drill sergeant called me out of
the ranks. ' Look 'ore,' he said, ' if you
think you 're going to make a fool o'
me, standing about there till you choose
to obey the word o' command, you 've
iiiadi- a big mistake.' I could "a"' cried
at the time, but I 've been glad often
enough since for what the sergeant said

that day. I 've found that little bit of
gag useful myself many a time."

1 was meditating with sympathy upon
the many victims of Sergeant Wally's !
borrowed sarcasm when he spoke again. '

" When I first came up to London |
from the dep6t," he said, " I 'd a
brother, a corporal in the same batal-
lion. You know as well as I do, Sir,
that as a matter o' discipline a corporal
doesn't have any truck with a private
soldier, excepting in the way of duties,
and my brother didn't speak to me for
the first week. Then one day he called
me up and said, ' It ain't the thing for
me to be going about with you, but as
y< u 're my brother 1 '11 go out with you
to-night. Have yourself cleaned by
six o'clock.!

" Well, I took all the money I 'd gob

almnt twelve bob and off we went.

" \Ve had a bit o' supper first at a

place my brother knew of, and a very
good supper it was. My brother
ordered it, but I paid. Then we got
a couple of cigars at least, I did.
Then we went to a music-hall, me pay-
ing, of course. We had a drink during
the evening, and when we came out
my brother said, ' We 'd better come
in here and have a snack.'

" ' Well, I ain't got any money left, 1 1
sez. My brother looked at me a minute,
and then he said, ' I don't know what
I 've been thinking of, going about with
you, you a private and me a corporal.
Be off 'ome F' And he stalks away.

"Yes, Sir, discipline's the thing.
Thank you, I '11 have another cigarette."

Simpler Fashions in India.
"The bride, who was given away by her
father, looked happy and handsome in a
beautiful red fern dress." Allahabad Pioneer.

vol.. CI.I1.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANUARY 3, 1917.

TO THE KAISER FOR HIS NEW YEAR.

Now with the New-horn Year, when people issue
Greetings appropriate to all concerned,

Allow me, WILLIAM, cordially to wish you

Whatever peace of mind you may have earned ;
It doesn't sound too fat,

But you will have to he content with that.

For you will get no other, though you ask it ;

No peace on diplomatic folios writ,
Like what you chucked in your waste-treaty-basket;,

Torn into fragments, hit by little bit ;

In these rude times we shrink
From vain expenditure of pulp and ink.

You hoped to start a further scrap of paper
And stretched a flattering paw in soft appeal,

Purring as hard as tiger-cats at play purr

With velvet padding round your claws of steel ;
A pretty piece of acting,

But, ere we treat, those claws '11 want extracting.

You thought that you had just to moot the question
And say you felt the closing hour had come

And we should simply jump at your suggestion
And all the Hague with overtures would hum ;
You 'd but to call her up,

And. Peace would follow like a well-bred pup.

But Peace and W 7 ar are twain (see Chadband's platitude) ;

War you could summon by your single self,
But Peace for she adopts a stickier attitude

Takes two to mobilise her off the shelf ;

Unless one side's so weak
That, try his best, he cannot raise a squeak.

When things are thus and you have had your beating,
We '11 talk and you can listen. Better cheer

I 've none to offer you by way of greeting,

But this should help you through the glad New Year;
It lacks for grace, I own,

But let its true sincerity atone ! O. S.

AN EXTRA SPECIAL.

A SPECIAL constable is allowed to bore his beat-partner
in moderation. I have no doubt that I bore mine. In
return I expect to be moderately bored. In fact a partner
who flashed through all the four hours might attract
Xeppelins. But Granby ! In human endurance there is
a point known as the limit. That is Granby.

Years back some Government person in a moment of
fatuity made Granby a magistrate. Magistrates should
learn to condense their wisdom into sentences. Granby
beats out his limited store into orations.

It was my misfortune to arrive late at the station the
other night and to find that the other specials had craftily
left Granby to be my partner. The results of unpunctuality
are sometimes hideous.

Directly we had started our lonely patrol Granby gave
what I may describe as his " bench " cough and began,
" When I was at the court the other day a very curious
case came before me." He was off. If Granby delivers
to prisoners in the dock the speeches he recites to me
the Government ought to intervene. No man however
guilty ought to have a sentence and one of Granby 's
orations. He might be given the option. Personally, for
anything under fourteen days I should be tempted to serve
the sentence.

Just when he was at his dreariest I heard a remarkable
treble voice down a side-street singing, " Keep the Home
Fires Burning." " Sounds like a drunk," I said promptly ;
" we ought to investigate this." Had it been a couple
of armed burglars I should have welcomed their advent if
it stopped Granby.

We went down and found a stout lady sitting on the
pavement warbling Songs Without Melody.

" Gerout, Zeppelin," she observed as a flash-lamp was
turned on her.

" A distinct case of intoxication plus incapability," ob-
served Granby. " We must take her to the station. You
can charge her. I have so many important engagements
this week that I can't spare time to be a witness."

I saw that a wasted morning at the police-court was to
be thrust on me.

"I also have many important engagements this week,"
I replied.

" This duty is to be taken seriously " began Granby.

"Yes," I said, "if we don't run her in we ought to see
her. home. She can't stay here rousing the street."

" That was what I was about to suggest as the proper
course for you when you interrupted me," said Granby.
"Where do you live? " he demanded.

" Fourteen, Benbow Avenue," replied the lady; "and pore
Uncle Sam 's been dead eleven years."

" Come on," I said. " Get up and we '11 see you home."

The lady pushed me aside, gripped Granby's arm and
said affectionately, " 'Ow you remind me of pore ole Jim
in 'is best days afore 'e got jugged!"

Granby snorted as he dragged the lady onward. I think
he knew that I was smiling in the darkness.

"Jus" like ole times, when we was courtin' together,"
continued the lady. "If it 'adn't been for a bronze- topped
barmaid comin' between us, what might 'ave been! ah, what
might 'ave been ! "

This tender reminiscence prompted the lady to sing,
" Come to me, sweet Marie," with incidental attempts at
a step-dance. The finale brought us to Benbow Avenue.

" 1 shall speak to her husband and caution him severely
about his wife's conduct," said Granby to me.

I shrank into the background ready to move off directly
the oration began.

Granby knocked at the door and it opened.

" I have brought your wife home in a state ' he
began.

" Ain't I 'ad a nice young man to take me for a walk
while you 've been sitting guzzling by the fire? "

"You been taking my missis for a walk," said the in-
dignant husband.

" I am a magistrate and a special constable " began
Granby.

" More shame to you. It 's the likes of you 'oo disgraces
the upper clarses."

" Shut the door, Bill," said the lady. " Don't lower
yourself by talking to 'im. I never could abide a man
as smelt o' gin meself."

The door slammed and Granby strode towards me.

" The ingratitude of the lower classes is disgraceful. I
am tempted to despair of the State when I think of it.
The only way is to let these occurrences pass into oblivion,
to set oneself resolutely to forget them as if they had
never been."

I agreed ; but since then Granby has always eyed me
curiously. I think he suspects that I am not forgetting
resolutely enough.

A Field Officer writes : " Yesterday I was saluted by an
Australian private. It was a great day for me."

IM'NCH, OH Till: LONDON (MIAHI VAIU. .IANTAUY 3, 1917.

THE WHITE HOUSE MYSTEEY.

UNCLE SAM. "SAY, JOHN, SHALL WE HAVE A DOLLAR'S WORTH?'

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[.JANUARY 3, 1917.

THE

WATCH

LIV.

DOGS.

(heciills this cottage his "Battle Box"), and men have not altered. The Ser-
whose mind was very violently moved ] geants relax on tlie march into some-
from the impersonal to the personal thing almost bordering en friendliness
MY DKAU CHARLES, What about this : point of view by a quite trifling incident, towards their victims ; the Corporals
Peace? I suppose that, what with your He has one upstairs room for office, thank Heaven that for the moment
nice new Governments and all, this is bedroom, sitting, reception and dining they are but men ; the Lance-corporals
the very last thing you are thinking of i room. His meals are brought over to ' thank Heaven that always they are
making at the moment. I wouldn't j him by his servant from an estaminet something more than men, and the
believe that the old War was ever going ! across the road over which his window j men have the look of having decided
to end at all if it wasn't for the last | looks. The other morning he was that this is the last kilometre they '11
expert and authoritative opinion I hear i standing at this window waiting for ever footslog for anybody, but while
lias been expressed by our elderly his breakfast to arrive. It was a fine they are doing it they might as well he

barber in Fleet Street. At the end of
July, 191-1, be told me confidentially,
as he snipped the short hairs at the
back of my bead, that there was going
to be no war; the whole thing
was just going to fizzle out.
Now he says it is going to be a
very, very long business, as he
always thought it would.

I find it difficult to maintain
consistently either the detached
point of view, in which one dis-
cusses it as if it was a European
hand of bridge, or the purely in-
terested point of view, in which
one regards it only as a matter i
affecting one's individual com- :
fort. I know a Mess, well up
in the Front where they measure
the mud by feet, in which they
were discussing the War raging
at their front door as if it had
nothing to do with them beyond
being a convenient thing to criti-
cise. Men who were then likely
to be personally removed at any
moment by it saw. nothing in the
progress of it to be depressed
about. As the evening wore on
and they all came to find that
they knew much more about the ,
subject than they supposed, they j
were prepared to increase the
allowance of casualties in press-
ing the merits of their own pet
schemes. No gloom arose from

the possibility that this generous offer Jones and reminding him of the familiar
might well include their own health details of his own more active days,
and limbs. There was no gloom ; there Jones prepared to enjoy himself,
was even no desire to change the Colonels on horses, thought Jones as
subject. Indeed, the better to continue he contemplated, are much of a much-
it they called for something to drink. ness always the look-of the sahibabout
There was nothing to drink, announced them, the slightly proud, the slightly
the Mess Orderly. Why was there stuffy, the slightly weather-beaten, the
nothing to drink ? asked the Mess Pre- slightly affluent sahib. Company Coin-
sident, advocate of enormous offensives ntanders, also on horses, but somehow
on a wide front for an indefinite period or other not quite so much on horses
of years, if need be. The Mess Orderly ! as the Colonels, are the same all the
explained that more drink was on order, army through very confident of them-
but it had not arrived
difficulties of carriage.

because of selves, but hoping against hope that
\Vliy were i there is nothing about their companies

there difficulties of carriage ? Because to catch the Adjutant's eye. The Subal-
of the War. " Confound the War," | tern waits as he has always done,
said the Mess President. " It really is lighthearted if purposeful, trusting that
the most infernal nuisance." all is as it should be, but feeling that if

I know a Captain Jones, resident in it isn't that is some one else's trouble,
a cottage on the road to the trenches Sergeants, Corporals, Lance - corporals

frosty day, made all the brighter by i cheerful about it. The regimental trans
the sound of approaching bagpipes, port makes a change from the regular-
Troops were about to march past, ity of column of route, and the comic
suggesting great national thoughts to ' relief is provided, as it has always been

~~ and always will be provided
whatever the disciplinary mar-
tinets may say or do, by the
company cooks.

Tliis was a sight, thought
Jones, he could watch for ever,
lie was sorry when the battalion
came at last to an end ; he was
glad when another almost im-
mediately began. He was in
luck ; doubtless this was a bri-
gade on the move. He proposed
to have his breakfast at the win-
dow, when it came as come it
soon must, thus refreshing his
hungry body and his contem-
plative mind at the same time.
The second battalion, as the
first, were fine fellows all, sug-
gesting the might of the Allies
and the futility of the enemy's
protracted resistance. Again
the comic relief was provided by
the travelling cuisine, reminding
Jones of the oddity of human
affairs and the need of his own
meal, now sufficiently deferred.
The progress of the Brigade
was interrupted by the inter-
vention of a train of motor
transport. Jones spent the time
of its passing in consulting his
watch, wondering where the devil was
his breakfast and ascertaining that his
servant had indeed gone across the road
for it at least forty minutes ago.

It was not until there came a break,
after the first company of the third
battalion, that the reason of this delay
became apparent. There was his servant
on the far side of the road, and there
was his breakfast in the servant's hand,
all standing to attention, as they should
do when a column of troops was pass-
ing. . . .

The remainder of that Brigade sug-
gested no agreeable thoughts to Captain
Jones. He saw nothing magnificent in
the whole and nothing attractive in
any detail of it. It was in fact just a
long and tiresome sequence of mono-
tonous and sheeplike individuals who
really might have chosen some other

Enthusiast. "As A PATRIOT, MADAM, wirx YOU SIGN THE
ROLL OF HONOUR OP ' THE NO-SUPERFLUOUS-THAVEL-BUT-
OIVE-t'P-YOUK-SEATS-TO - BOLDJ1 B - AND-SAILOES-AS-MUCH-AS-
POSSIBLK LEAGUE ' ? "

JANI-AUY :i, 1917.]

I'CNCII. OR THK LONDON ( 'll.\ III \ AIM.

.!/.(). "W'UAT'S THE MATrKB WITH YOC, MV MAS?"

M.O. "JIv WORD! How DID YOU GET THAT? '

Priratc. " VALVULAR DISEASE OF THE HI!ART, SIR."
Private. "LAST MEDICAL BOARD GIVE IT ME, SIR."

time and place for their silly walks
abroad. And as for the spirit of disci-
pline exemplified in the servant, who
scrupled to defy red t.iito and slip
through at a convenient interval, this
was nothing elso but the- maddening
ineptitude of all human conceits.

A wonderful servant is that servant
of Captain Jones; but then tin
are. Valet, cook, porter, Iwots, cham-
bermaid, ostler, carpenter, upholsterer,
mechanic, inventor, needle woman, coal-
lic:i\ or, diplomat, barber, linguist (home-
made), clerk, universal provider, com-
plete pantechnicon and infallible body-
guard, he is also a soldier, if a very old
soldier, and a man of the most human
kind. Jones came across him in the
earlier stages of the War, not in l-'ng-
land and not in France. The selection
wasn't after the usual manner or upon
the usual references. 1 le recommended
himself to Jones by the following inci-
dent :

A new regiment had come "to the
station; between them and the old
regiment, later to become the firmest
friends, some little difference of opinion
had arisen and, upon the first meeting

of representative elements in the neigh-
bouring town, there had been words.
Reports, as they reached Jones at the
barracks some four miles from the
town, hinted at something more than
words still continuing. Jones, having
i-cas in to anticipate sequels on the
morrow, took the precaution of going
round his company quarters then and
there, to find which of his men, if any,
were not involved. " There 's a fair
scrap up in town," be beard a man
saying. As be entered, a second man
was sitting up in bed and asking, "Dost
tliou think it will be going on yet'.'"
Hoping for the best, be was for rising,
dressing, walking four miles and join-
ing in.

Jones stopped his enterprise that
night, but engaged him for servant
next day. I don't know why, nor does
lie ; bat he was right all the same.
Yours ever, HENHY.

AN ELEGY ON CLOSED STATIONS.

by an official notice of the

L.&N.W.R.)
THE whole vicinity of Hooley Hill
Is smitten with a devastating chill,
And the once cheerful neighbourhood

of Pleck
Has got the bump and got it in the

neck.

The residential gentry of Pont Bug
No longer seem self-satisfied or smug,
And the distressed inhabitants of

Nantlle
Are wrapped in discontent as in a

mantle.
Good folk who Halted once at Apsley

Guise

Are now afflicted with a sad surprise,
While Oddington, another famous Halt,
Is silent as a sad funereal vault ;
And the dejected denizens of Cheadle
I Look one and all as if they 'd got the

needle.

" Will anyone knowing where to obtain the
game of Bounce ' kindly inform A. T. ? "

.lilrt. in 'L'lu- Times."

" A. T." should address himself to the
Imperial Palace at Potsdam.

An Unfortunate Juxtaposition.
" Dr. has RESUMED PRACTICE.

AND , UNDERTAKERS."

Australian.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVART.

[JANUARY 3, 1917.

CHARIVARIA.

ACCORDING to President WILSON
Germany also claims to be fighting
for the freedom of the smaller nations.
Her known anxiety to free the small
nations of South America from tho
fetters of the Monroe Doctrine has
impressed the PRESIDENT with the
correctness of this claim.

* *
*

Unfortunately Count REVENTLOW has
gone and given away the secret that
Germany does not care a rap for the
rights of the little nations. It is this
kind of blundering that sours your
transatlantic diplomatist.
: . *

General JOFKRE lias been made a
Marshal of France. While falling
short of the absolute omnipotence of
London's Provost-Marshal the position
is not without a certain dignity.

* *

The announcement that the Queen
of HUNGARY'S coronation robe is to
cost over 2,000 has bad a distinctly
unpleasant effect upon the German
people, who are wondering indignantly
bow Belgium is to be indemnified if
such extravagance is permitted to

continue. * ....

It is stated that as the result of the
drastic changes in our railway service
the publication of Bradshaw's Guide
may be delayed. At a time when it is
of vital importance to keep up the
spirits of the nation the absence of one
of our best known humorous publica-
tions will be sorely felt.

^c :;:

The failure of King CONSTANTINE to
join with other neutrals in urging peace
on the belligerents must not be taken
as indicating that he is out of sympathy
with the German effort.

The County Council has after mature
deliberation decided to set aside ten
acres of waste land for cultivation by
allotment holders. It is this ability
to think in huge figures that dis-
tinguishes the municipal from the

purely individual patriot.
# *

In anticipation of a Peace Conference
German agents at the Hague have been
making discreet inquiries after lodgings
for German delegates. The latter have
expressed a strong preference for getting
in on the ground floor.

The weighing of a recruit could not
be completed at Mill Hill, as the scales
did not go beyond seventeen stone, and
indignation has been expressed in some
quarters at the failure of the official
mind to adopt the simple expedient of

weighing as much as they could of him
and then weighing the rest at a second
or, if necessary, a third attempt.

It is rumoured that tradesmen's
weekly books are to be abolished. We
have long felt that tho absurd practice
of paying the fellows is a relic of the

dark ages. , ;: *

The statement of a writer in a morn-
ing paper that Wednesday night's fog
" tasted like Stilton cheese " has at-
tracted tho attention of the Food Con-
troller, who is having an analysis made
with the view of determining its suit-
ability for civilian rations. \Ve assume
that it would rank as cheese and not
count in the calculation of courses.
''' *

Austria has forbidden the importa-
tion of champagne, caviare and oysters,
and now that the horrors of war have
thus been thoroughly hrought home to
the populace it is expected that public
opinion in the Dual Monarchy will
shortly force the EMPEROR to make
overtures to the Allies for a separate
peace. * *

As a protest against being fined, a
Tottenham man has stopped his War
Loan subscriptions. Nevertheless, after
a series of prolonged discussions with
Sir WILLIAM ROBERTSON, Mr. BONAR
LAW has decided that the War can go
on, subject to the early introduction of
certain economies.

'"if"

The Duke of BUCCLEUCH has given
permission to his tenants to trap rabbits
on the ducal estates. It is hoped that
a taste of real sport will cause many of
the local residents, though above mili-
tary age, to volunteer for similar work
on the West Front.

The prisons in Berlin are said to be
full of women who haveoffended against
the Food Laws, and in consequence
of this many deserving criminals are
homeless. ;;: #

A party of American literary and
scientific gentlemen have obtained per-
mission to visit Egypt on a mission of
research. In view of the American
craze for souvenir-hunting it is antici-
pated that a special guard will be
mounted over the Pyramids.

" ' I am being overwhelmed with letters
offering services from all and sundry,' Mr.
Chamberlain said yesterday.

' As I haven't even appointed a private
secretary at present,' he added," it is obviously
impossible for me even to open them.' "

Daily Sketch.

We suppose the Censor must have told
him what they were about.

MUSCAT.

AN ancient castle crowns the hill

That flanks our sunlit rockbound bay,
Where, in the spacious days of old,
Stout ALBUQUERQUE set bis hold
Dealing in slaves and silks and gold
From Hormuz to Cathay.

The Dom has passed, the Arab rules ;

Yet still there fronts the morning

light

Erect upon the crumbling wall
The mast of some great Amiral,
A trophy of the Portingall

In some forgotten fight.

The wind blows damp, the sun shines
hot,

And ever on the Eastern shore,
Taint envoys from the far monsoon,
There in the gap tho breakers croon
Their old unchanging rhythmic rune

(Tho noise is such a bore).

And week by week to climb that hill
The SULTAN sends some sweating

knave

To scan the misty deep and bail
With hoisted flag the smoky trail
That means (hurrah !) the English mail,
So we still rule the wave !

Hurrah! and yet what tales of woe !

My home exposed to Zeppelin shocks,
The long-drawn agony of strife,
The daily toll of precious life,
And a sad screed from my poor wife

Of babes with chicken-pox.

All this it brings yet brings therewith
That which may help us bear and grin.

" Boy, when you hear the boat's keel
scrunch,

Ask the mail officer to lunch ;

But give me time to peep at Punch
Before vou let him in."

LONDON'S LITTLE SUNBEAMS.

THE TAXI-MEN.

WHAT (writes a returned traveller)
has happened to London's taxi-drivers ?
When I went away, not more than
three months ago, they occasionally
stopped when they wore hailed and
were not invariably unwilling to convey
one hither and there. But now . . . .
With flags defiantly up, they move dis-
dainfully along, and no one can lure
them aside. Where on these occasions
are they going? How do they make
a living if the flag never comes down '?
Are they always on their way to lunch,
even late at night ? Are they always
out of petrol? I can understand and
admire the independence that follows
upon overwork; but when was their
overwork done? The only tenable
theory that I have evolved is that Lord
NOHTHCLIFFE (whose concurrent rise

JANCAHY 3, 1017-1

1TNCII. nil TIIK LONDON CHAIMVAIM.

to absolutism is another phenomenon
of my absence) lias engaged them all
to patrol MM \ ice.

Sometimes, however, a taxi-driver,
breaking free from this bondage, an-
swers a hail; but oven then all is not
,arily easy. This is the kind of
thing :

)'nn. 1 want to go to Bedford Gar-
dens.

Tin' Sii/i/rinn (indignantly). Where's
that?

You. In Kensington.

Tin' Xiiiitii'iiin. That's too far. I've
got another job at half-past four (r.r
My petrol 's run out).

Yt'it. If I gave you an extra shilling
could you just manage it?

The Siinlii'iim (M-turlhiij). All right.
Jump in.

This that follows also happens so fre-
quently as to be practically the rule and
not the exception :

)'/>u. 12, L:-xham Gardens.

The Sunbeam. 12, Leicester Gardens.

You. No ; LEXHAM.

The Simbeam. 12, Lexham Road '.'

Yon (shouting}. No; Lexham GAR-
DENS!

The Siiiilit'itm. What number?

You. TWELVE !

To illustrate the power that the
taxi-driver has been wielding over
London during the past week or so of
mitigated festivity, let me tell a true
story. I was in a cab with my old
friend Mark, one of the most ferocious
sticklers for efliciency in underlings
who ever sent for the manager. His
malelietions on bad waiters have led
to the compulsory re-decorating of
half the restaurants of London months
; before their time, simply by discolouring
Mie walls with their intensity. Well,
after immense difficulty, Mark and I,
bound for the West, induced a driver
to accept us as his fare, and took our
places inside.

" He looks a decent capable fellow,"
said Mark, who prides himself on his
skill in physiognomy. " We ought to
lie there in a quarter of an hour."

But wo did not start. First the
engine was cold. Then, that having
consented and the flag being lowered,
a fellow-driver asked our man to
help him with his tail-light. He did
so with the utmost friendliness and
deliberation. Then they both went
to the back of our cab to se3 how our
tail-light was doing, and talked about
tail-lights together, and how easy it was
to jolt them out, and how difficult it
was to know whether they had been
jolted out or not, and how jolly careful
one had to be nowadays with so many
blooming legulations and restrictions
and things.

Meanwhile Mark was becoming pur-

Mistress (to maid who IMS asked for a rise). " WHY, MAUY, I CANNOT POSSIBLY OIYB

YOU AS MUCH AS THAT."

Afary. " WELL, MA'AM, YOU SEE, THE GENTLEMAN I WALK OUT WITH HAS JUST GOT

A JOB IN A MUNITION FACTORY, AND I SHALL BH OBLIGED TO DRESS UP TO HIM."

pie with suppressed rage, for the clock
was ticking and all this wasted time
should, in a decently-managed world,
have belonged to us. But he dared not
let himself go. It was a pitiful sight
this strong man repressing impulse.
At any moment I expected to see him
dash his arm through the window and
tell the driver what he thought of him ;
but he did not. He did nothing ; but
I could hear his blood boil.

Then at last our man mounted the
box, and just at that moment (this is
an absolutely true story) it chanced
that an ernmd-boy asked him the way
to Panton Street, and he got down
from the box and walked quite a little
way with the boy to show him. And

while he was away the engine stopped.
It was then that poor Mark per-

; formed one of the most heroic feats of
his life. He still sat still ; but I seemed
to see his hat Vising and falling, as did

! the lid of WATT'S kettle on that historic
evening which led to so much railway
trouble, from strikes and sandwiches to
Bradshaw. Still he said nothing. Nor
did he speak until the engine had been
started again and we were really on our
way and thoroughly late. " If it had
on'y been in normal times," he said
grimly, "how I should have let that
man have it. But one simply mustn't.
It 's terrible, but they 've got us by the

. short hairs ! "

No doubt of that.

I'CXCII, OH. THK LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANUAKY 3, 1917.

Cretchen. "\YiLL IT NEVER END? THINK OF oun AWFUL RESPONSIBILITY BEFORE HUMANITY."
Hans. "AND THESE EVERLASTING SARDINES FOR EVERY MEAL."

WARS OF THE PAST.

(As recorded in the Press of the period.)

v.
From " The Pirceus Pictorial."

GET A MOVE ON.
By Mr. Demosthenes.

[Tlic brilliant Editor of "Pal Athene," who
his been aptly styled "the leading light of
the democracy," contributes what is perhaps
the most wonderful arid powerful article
which we have had the pleasure of publishing
from his trenchant pen.]

Words won't do it, my friends. We
don't want speeches. We want action.
I ask you to give the Buskers socks.
Kick this Chorus of Five Hundred out of J
the orchestra. Ostrichise the Govern-
ment ! Give them the bird !

If I read my countrymen aright (and
who does if I don't?), what they are
saying now is, " We must have a
definite plan of strong action. We are
not going to fight any longer with
speeches and despatches." That 's the
way, Athenians ! Good luck to you !
Zeus hless you. And the same to you,
Tommy Hoplites and Jack Naufces, and
many of them ! You don't mean PHILIP
to be Tyrant of Athens, do you ? You're
not going to have him turning our
beautiful Parthenon into a cavalry

stable? You're not going to see the
Barbarians hanging up their shields on
the dear old statue of Athene. Of
course you 're not. When I walk
through the city and see, as I pass the
houses of my humbler brethren, the
neat respectable little altars and the
good old well-used wine-presses (which
I never do without breathing a little
prayer, uncantingly, straight from the
heart), I say, " It 's a foul calumny to
pretend that the people are not all
right. They are, Zeus bless 'em ! All
they are waiting for is a lead. And
action ! "

We 've got to have a strong policy,
my friends, and my tip to you is
" Trust the Army ! Curse the poli-
ticians ! " It 's no use sitting still while
^SCHINES AND Co. are spouting. You
and I, my brothers and sisters, as I 'in
proud to call you, we don't spout, do
we ? We mean business ! And PHILIP
means business too ! At any moment
he may come down on us and devastate
our quiet picturesque little demes which
we all love so well and get disgustingly
drunk on our wine. So give us the word,
JEscHiNES AND Co. not many words,
please, but just one word and we'll
tackle him as he ought to be tackled
and put a pinch of Attic salt on his

tail. We don't want tliis PHILIP, but
we do want a fillip of our own. Mean-
while, are we downhearted ? I don't
think.

(Another powerful philippic btj J/r.
Demosthenes next week.)

What to do with our Prisoners.

"Private Jones, V.C., single handed cap-
tured 102 Germans ; limited number for sale,
best offers ; proceeds military hospital."

Bazaar.

"The towing to Madrid of the Greek
steamer Spyros lacks confirmation."

Daily Telegraph.

We always had our doubts about the
report.

"Nevertheless, though nobody has ever
sympathised with the goose that laid the
golden eggs, it is now widely recognized that it
was bad policy to kill him."

~G. B. Shaw in " The Times."

Even in War-time, you will notice,
"G. B. S." cannot get away from the
sex-problem.

" FREMDENBLATT. Mr. Lloyd George will
recognise one day that the Allies put their
heads in a sling on the day they rejected
Germany's terms." Daily I'aper.

But we may trust little DAVID to know
what to do with a sling.

1'1'NCH, OK THE LONDON CHAKI V AKI. l.\Nr\itv U. I'.HT.

AN ANSWER TO PEACE TALK.

BRITANNIA CALLS A WAR CONFERENCE OF THE EMPIRE.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[.JANUARY 3, 1917.

HIS MASTER'S VOICE.

FOB AMERICAN CONSUMPTION.

I AM the White House typewriter !

I am the Voice of the People

And then some !

I speak, and the Western Hemisphere
attends,

All except Mexico and WILLIAM JEN-
NINGS BRYAN,

Who has a megaphone of his own.

I am the soul of a great free people !

Hence the vers libre

Which breathes the spirit of Democracy

Because anybody can do it.

Who secured a second term of office for

my master, President WILSON ?
Was it the War or OSWALD GARRISON

VILLARD or General \

HARRISON GRAY OTIS ?
It was not.
It was I !
Though the others helped,

especially Gen. OTIS. !

I am of antiquated design,
as invisible as Colonel
HOUSE and nearly as
useless as Senator
WORKS,

But as my master only
works me with one
thumb

(For fear of saying some-
thing that might have
to be explained away)

I do very nicely.

And when it comes to
throwing the bull

I am the real Peruvian
doughnuts.

Neither EEVENTLOW nor GKORGB SYL-
VESTER VIERECK nor WILLIAM
KANDOLPH HEARST ;

Nor even The Spectator,

Which never did like Democrats, any-
way.

But now I am the Harbinger of Peace

By special request.

Imperial Germany,

Sated witli victory and a shortage of

boiled potatoes,
Implores me to save the Entente Powers

from utter annihilation,
And the prayer is echoed
By Sir EDGAR SPEYER and the other

neutrals.

So my keys tap out the glad message
Of friendship for all and trouble for none.

THE ONLY REGRET.

ONCE UPON A TIMK.

ONCE upon a time a man lay dying.

Ho was dying very much at his ease,
for he had had enough of it all.

None the less they brought a priest,
who stretched his face a yard long and
spoke from his elastic-sided boots.

" This is a solemn moment," said
the priest. " But sooner or later it
comes to us all. You are fortunate in
having all your faculties."

The dying man smiled grimly.

" Js there any wrong that you have
done that you wish redressed?" the
priest asked.

" None that I can remember," said
the dying man.

I was new once, but ob-
scure,

_ . . - j'. \ir-i i..- .

\\ astmg my freshness on L
a Life of Jefferson (extinct)

And a History of the United States,

Which by the kindness of the Demo-
cratic party and the McCiiURE
Syndicate

Is now appearing in dignified segments
on the back page of provincial
newspapers

Along with Dainty Diapers and M'lii/ 1
Love the Movies, by MARY PICKFORD.

Bill (coming to after a shell /in* hit his dny-o:i!). '-HAVE I BEEN LONG
UNCONSCIOUS, WILLIAM?"

William. "On, A QOODISH BIT, BILL."

Bill. "WHAT DO YOU CALL A ' GOODISH UIT,' WlI.LIAM ? "

William. "WELL, A LONGISH TIME, BILL."

Bill. "WELL, WHAT'S THAT WHITE ON THE HILL? Is IT sxow. on
DAISIES

I ask them what they are

about,
And if it is really fcrua that Bel;.

been invaded,
And propose that we sh'.mlil

together and talk it over

" But you are sorry for
such wrong us you have
done?"

" I don't know 'that I
am," said the dying man.
" I was a very poor hand
at doing wrong. But there
are some so - called good
deeds that I could wish
undone which are still
bearing evil fruit."

The priest looked pained.
" But you would not hold
that you have not been
wicked? " ho said.

"Not conspicuously
enough to worry about,"
replied the other. " Most
of my excursions into what
you would call wickedness
were merely attempts to
learn more about this won-
derful world into which we
are projected. It 's largely
a matter of temperament,
and I 've been more at-
tracted by the gentle things
tight ing i than the desperate. Strange as you may
think it, I die without fear."

" But surely there are matters for
regret in your life?" the priest, who
was a conscientious man, inquired

him has

all get 1

Nice and quietly over tea and muffins

earnestly.

"Ah! " said the dying man. "Regret?

I am the Defender of Liberties !
Never have I hesitated to tell Germany

not to do it again ;
Never have I failed to protest in the But the stiff-necked Entente,

severest terms when the British With an old-fashioned obstinacy

And away from all the nasty blood and , That 's another matter. Have I no
noise. occasion for regret ? Have I not ? Have

I not ? "

Thus I address them, The priest cheered up. "For op-

And humane Germany iportunities lost," he said. "The lost

Almost falls on my neck in her anxiety opportunities how sad a theme, how
to comply with my request ; melancholy a retrospect ! Tell me of

them."

" I said nothing about lost oppor-

and several senti-

Navy threatened to interfere with miniscent of the LINCOLN person tunities," the dying man replied ; " I

business. at his worst,

Next to Mr. LANSING, Merely utter joint
Who is said to use a Blickensderfer, ments

I am the hottest little protester in The substance and effect of which

Protestville, appear to bs

And in consequence nobody loves mo, ', " Nix ! " ALGOL.

said that there was much to regret, and
there is ; but there were no opportuni-
ties that in this particular I neglected.
They simply did not present them-
selves often enough."

"Tell me of this sorrow," said the

JAM-\I:V

rrxcH, on Tin-; LONDON CHARIVARI.

Sentry (for the second time, after officer has answered " Friend," and come up close). " HALT 1 WHO GOES THERE? "

Officer. "WELL, WHAT HAPPENS NOW ? "

Sentry. "I COULDN'T TELL YOU, SIB, I'M SURE. I'M A STRANGER HERE MYSELF."

priest. " Perhaps I may be able to
comfort you."

The dying man again smiled his grim
smile. " My greatest regret," he said,
" and one, unhappily, that could never
be remedied, even if I lived to be a
thousand, is

"Yes, yes," said the priest, leaning
nearer.

"Is," said the dying man, "that I
have known so few children."

"ABSENTEE ARRESTED.
Sergeant Storr stated that he saw Shaiin
on a lighter in the Old Harbour. Ho failed
to produce his registration card and could
offer no reason why he had not reported for
service. Sulisi'i|urntly he said ho was 422
years of age." Hull Daily Xcirs.

Passed for centenarian duty.

" Wanted, strong Boy, about 14, for milk
cart ; to live in." Provincial Paper.

He will at least have the advantage of
living close to his work.

"THE BHAKTHI MAIIGA PRASANOA SABHA.

At Nagappa Chctty Pillayar Vasantha Man-
tapam, 822 Thumbu Chetty Street, George-
town, to-morrow 4 P.M. Bramhasri Mangudi
Chidambara Bhagavathar will give aharikatha
on ' Pittukkumansuinan tha Thiruvilayadal.' "

Madras Paper.

We like the words and should be glad
to hear the tune.

NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN.

(SECOND SERIES.)

xn.

CHERRY GARDENS.
WHEBE d'ye buy your earrings,
Your pretty bobbing earrings,
Where d'ye buy your earrings,

Moll and Sue and Nan ?
In the Cherry Gardens
They sell 'em eight a penny,
And let you eat as many
As ever you can.

Moll's are ruddy coral,
Sue's are glossy jet,
Nan's are yellow ivory,

Swinging on their stems.
O you lucky damsels
To get in Cherry Gardens
Earrings for your fardens

Comelier than gems !

XIII.

NEWIXGTON BUTTS.

The bung is lost from Newington Butts !
The beer is running in all the ruts,
The gutters are swimming, the Butts

are dry,

Lackadaisy ! and so am I.
Who was the thief that stole the bung ?
I shall go hopping the day he 's hung !

XIV.

NINE ELMS.
Nine Elms in a ring :
In One I saw a Robin swing,
In Two a Peacock spread his tail,
In Three I heard the Nightingale,
In Four a White Owl hid with craft,
In Five a Green Woodpecker laughed,
In Six a Wood-dove croodled low,
In Seven lived a quarrelling Crow,
In Eight a million Starlings flew,
In Nine a Cuckoo said, " Cuckoo 1 "

"On Sale, 2,300 Oak barrels; edible: offers
wanted. "Manchester Evening News.

Are these the first-fruits of the new
Food Control ?

From battalion orders :
' ' Men transferred from Command Depot
will be fed up to the day of departure."

Even commanding officers occasionally
have a glimpse of the obvious.

" In expressing regret that we had dropped
the word ' culture ' out of our vocabulary be-
cause of Germany, the Archdeacon of Middle-
sex gave the following definitions :

Kultur' Had for 'Culture.' A word its
god the State, and which describes a was
practically spirit of sympathy materialism,
the result with all that is beaubeing simply
mechanitiful, true, honest, cal efficiency, anil
pure." Liverpool Echo.

Even now it is not very clear.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANUARY 3, 1917.

Jan (repeating the question for tlie tenth time in two liours). " 'AST SEEN OLD FUKRIT THAT EOIDE, JABGE ? "
Jarye (answering the question for the tenth time in two hoars}. " NOA. AIN'T YOU SEEN UN YOUR SOIDE? "
Jan. "NoA. DIDST PUT UN is THY SOIDE?" Jarge. "NoA. DID THEE NOT PUT UN IN THAT SOIDE?'

Jan. "NoA." Jarge. " THEN I RECKON HE MUN BE IN THA BOX."

CHOKING THEM OFF.

IT is reported that, should the mea-
sures recently adopted by the railway
companies with a view o " discourage
unnecessary travelling " prove insufli-
cient, other expedients, of a more
stringent character, may be resorted
to. By the courtesy of an official we
are able to give details of some further
innovations that have been suggested.

(i.) The Platform Staff at the chief
stations will be specially trained to
answer all enquiries from civilian pas-
sengers in an ambiguous or quasi-
humorous manner.

Thus detailed instructions are to be
issued giving the correct form of reply
to such questions as, "Can I take this
train to Kugby?" The answer in this
case will convey a jocular suggestion
that the task is best left to the engine-
driver ; and others in the same style.

In all cases of urgency the formula
" Wait and see " to he freely employed
for purposes of discouragement.

(n.) In the case of exceptionally popu-
lar tickets, such as those to Brighton, a
strictly limited number of impressions

to be struck off, which will be disposed
of by public auction to the highest
bidder.

(in.) When stoppages (whether ne-
cessary or disciplinary) take place be-
tween stations, preference to be given
to the interior of tunnels. All artificial
light will then be cut off, and the
officials of the train will run up and
down the corridors howling like wolves.

(iv.) On hearing the declaration of
any would-be traveller (as " .Margate ")
it shall be optional for the booking-
clerk to reply, " I double Margate " ;
when his opponent, the public, must
either pay twice the already increased
fare or forfeit the journey.

(v.) The quality of buns, pastry and
sandwiches at the station refreshment-
rooms to be drastically revised. A
return to be made to the more " dis-
couraging " models of fifty years ago,
which will ba specially manufactured
under the supervision of the Ministry
of Munitions.

(vi.) All the too-attractive photo-
graphs of agreeable places on the com-
pany's service at present exhibited in
the compartments to be removed, and

in place of them the frames to he
filled with such chastening subjects as
" Marine Drive at Slushboro' on a Wet
Evening," " No Bathing To-day "
(Bude), or " Fac-simile of a typical
week-end bill at the Hotel Superb,
Shrimpville." It is felt that if this
last item does riot cause people to
stop at home nothing will.

Another Impending Apology.

" GRIZZLY BEARS AT THE Zoo.
Lieutenant-Gcneral Sir W. E. Robertson,
Chief of the Imperial General Staff, \v;is
unanimously elected an hon. member of the
Zoological Society of London at the December
general meeting." The Times.

"By a Ministerial decree, chickens can be
raised in the courtyards of houses in Rome."

Datltj Erpress.

And we are now confidently expecting
some " Lays of Modern Rome."

"5 REWARD, LOST, on November 28th, in
Kensington, BLACK ABERDEEN TEURIEE, name

'Cinders' on collar, also Lt.-Col. and

badge of S.W.B. Regiment. Kindly return
to Mrs. ." The Times.

Let us hope the Colonel at least has
found his way home.

.JAM-VUY 3, 1917.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAR1VAIM.

ULTIMUS.

His shape was domed mid his colour
brown,

And 1 took him up and I sot liim down
In the lamp's full light, in tlio very

front of it,

Heady iind "lad to bear the hruntof it;
And (lion, having raised my hand and

blessed him,
I thus in appropriate words addressed

him :
"Oh, soon to be numbered with the

dead,
Your fortunate brothers, prepare," I

said,

" Prepare to vanish this very day
And go to your doom the silent way.
For DK VON POUT'S Lord will soon decree,
With his eye on you and his eye on me,
That you 're only a useless luxury ;
And, since the War on the whole con-
tinues,
We must tighten our belts and brace j

our sinews,

And give up the things we liked before,
And never, like Oliver, ask for more.
Since this is so and the War endures,
I am bound to abandon you and yours,
And wherever I meet you I must frown
On your sweet white core and your

coat of brown.

But no, since you are the only one,
The last of a line that is spent and

done,

I shall give myself pleasure once again
And set you free from a life of pain.
Prepare, prepare, for I mean to punch

van,
My lonely friend, and to crunch and

munch you."

So saying I smiled in a sort of dream
On my absolute ultimate chocolate-

rivam :

Then swiftly I reached my hand to get

him
And popped him into my mouth and

ate him.

TACTICS.

" Maman ! a quel saint prie-t-on
began Jeanne. Ah! hut no, a recollec-
tion flashed across her mind and was
reinforced by other memories. " J'en
ai lini avec les saints," she mused,
proceeding to the other end of the room
where, full of intention, she busied her-
self among some books. Yes, she was
now quite disillusioned ; that latest
blow, on her recent tenth birthday,
had confirmed finally her long-growing
suspicion prayer to the saints was
unavailing.

After a time ; " Maman, pour que Papa
vienne en permission a qui faut-il que
Ton s'adresse? "

"A son colonel, mon enfant. Mais,
ma fi-fille, tu sais . . . ! "

"^. ^"^s

v>>^

i?ss^&^-^ \,v

^s^ ._^^^<>%^^

First Burglar. "THEY SEEM TO BE JUST FINDING OUT THERE 's TOO MANY DOGS

ABOUT. WOT PEOPLE WANT TO KEEP DOGS AT AU. FOR I NEVER COULD SEE."

Second Burglar. "COMB 'EM OCT. THAT'S WOT I SEZ. COMB 'EM OUT."

Jeanne, with an air of having some-
thing to decide for herself, paid no heed,
but resumed the study of her picture-
book description of the French Army,
murmuring: " Un colonel est-co que
c'est comme un saint, ou bien est-
ce que c'est comme le bon Dieu lui-
meme ? "

Some moments of deep silence spent
in intense study ended with a trium-
phant: "Bon! j'y suis." That was
exactly what she had wished to dis-
cover, the very source of power. " ' Les
oiliciers attaches a un general pour
1'execution et la transmission de ses
ordres,' " re-read Jeanne, and com-
mented, "Et tout cela s'appelle \'i'-/<//
i/iii-jor du general. Bon! c'ost bien
comme je le pen sais ; c'est le general
qui est a la tele de tout."

Her course was now quite clear.
She urged and encouraged herself : " II
faut absolument que Papa vienne en

permission. Je le veitxl " And, that
her intentions might not be thwarted,
absolute secrecy must he maintained,
at least in so far as the chapter relating
to her terrestrial tactics was concerned ;
no one would oppose intercession a apres
du ben Dieu.

" II faut m'adresser a tous les
deux en memo temps," pronounced
Jeanne, taking a sheet of note-paper.
"J'ecris directement au general" (since
time and space have to be allowed
for in earthly negotiations, the order
must be thus) " et je prie le bon Dieu
en personne." That both positions
should l)e assailed simultaneously,
operations must be begun in this quar-
ter in the morning, at the hour of the
first postal delivery.

"Point de saints, ni de colonels
maintenant je comprends 1 'e-tat Ma-
joy dans 1'Armee et les saints au
Paradis, c'est tout comme ! "

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANUARY 3, 1917.

AT THE PLAY.

"Puss is NEW BOOTS."

FIVE hours is a great space out of a
man's life, but that was precisely the
time taken by Mr. ARTHUR COLLINS to
present his 1'uss in New Boots, so that
I had leisure to study the book of the
words, sold shamelessly to the xmsus-
pecting (of whom I was not one), and
compare the rough sketches of our
three standard authors of the Lane,
Messrs. COLLINS, SIMS and Dix with
the version, by no manner of means
final, of the comedians. A pantomime
book is on the whole rather a mourn-
fully unsubtle document. The thing is
frankly not meant to be read when the
blood is cool. It is the Action, Action
and again Action of such hefty knock-
abouts as WILL EVANS, ROBERT HALE
and STANLEY LUPINO that makes the
dry bones live and the old squibs
crackle. And it is good fun to watch
the audience at their share of author-
ship, setting the seal of their approval
upon the happy wheeze, the well-con-
trived business, and blue-pencilling with
their silence the wash-out or the too
obscure allusion.

The show is substantially new
throughout new songs, new scenery,
new japes, new acrobatics. A new
Puss, too, as well as new boots ; and,
without any reflection on little Miss
LENNIE DEANE, who was quite an ade-
quate Puss of pantomime, we may
regret Miss RENEE MAYER.

Miss FLORENCE SMITHSON still de-
lights the curious with her Swedish
exercises in alt, and makes a very
pretty lady of high degree for a panto-
mime marquis, who is no other than
Miss MADGE TITHERADGE stepping down
from the "legitimate" and bringing
an air and an elocution unusual and
admirable. She made her excellent
speaking voice do duty in recitative for
song, and the innovation is not un-
pleasing. If it be fair in frivolous
public places to dig down to those
thoughts that better lie too deep for
tears, Mr. ALFRED NOYES' A Sony of
England, clear spoken by -her with
tenderness and spirit, is a batter instru-
ment than most.

Mr. HALE'S Baroness challenges com-
parison with Mr. GEORGE GRAVES'S.
She is perhaps more womanly (" no
ordinary " type), less grotesquely irrele-
vant and profane though she does her
hit. On the other hand, she is more
active and less repetitive. When, the
good fairy endowing her with beauty,
she appeared as DORIS KEANE in
Romance, that was an applauded
stroke. And when ^he lied beneath
the tree of truth and the chestnuts
fell each time truth was mishandled,

thickest of all when it was asserted
that a certain Scotch comedian had
refused his salary, this was also very
well received. On the whole, then, a
satisfactory Baroness.

Mr. Lui'ixo (the miller's second son)
is really an exquisite droll, and I don't
remember to have seen him in better
form. He has some of the authentic
ingredients of the old circus clown a
very valuable inheritance.

Mr. WILL EVANS is always good to
watch, always has that air of enjoying
himself immensely that is the readiest
way to favour. He seemed at times to
be, as it were, looking wistfully for his
old pal, GRAVES; missed probably that
companionable nose and those reliable
da capos which give such opportunity

DIANA OP THE LANE.
The Baroness . -. Mr. EGBERT HALE.

for the manufacture of gags ; whereas
Mr. HALE is a " thruster." But cook-
ing the recherchd dinner in the gas
cooker that becomes a tank, and put-
ting up the blind and laying the carpet
here was the WILL EVANS that the
children of all ages applaud.

I always find the Lane big scenes
and ballets more full of competing
colour and restless movement than of
controlled design. But the Hall of
Fantasy, with its spiral staircases
reaching to the flies, was an ambitious
effort croAvned with success. The dance
of the eight tiny y.anies was the best of
the ballet. The Shakspearean pageant
at the end might be (1) shortened, and
(2) brightened by the characters throw-
ing a little more conviction into their
respective aspects notably the ghost
of Hamlet's father. However, as a popu-
lar tercentenary tribute to " our Shak-
speare " the scheme is to he commended
and was as such approved. T.

THE SPIRITUAL SPORTSMAN.

[The Executive of the German Sporting
Clubs and Athletic Associations have issued a
manifesto expressing satisfaction at the sub-
stitution of German for English words and
phrases. "German sport," it declares, "in
future places itself unreserved!}' on the side
of those who would further German Kultur.
German Song and German Art will in future
find a home in German sport." This new pat-
riotic programme has been greatly applauded
in the Press, the Berliner Tayclilalt observing
that the culture of soul and body must proceed
\pari pasKU, with the result that "not only
will the German sportsman become a beauti-
ful body, but a beautiful soul as well. Every
club must have its library, not filled with
sensational novels, but with works of art.
And before all else the club-house "must be
architecturally beautiful an object from
which he may obtain spiritual edification,"]

THE German is seldom amusing,

Since humour is hardly his forte,
But I 've frequently smiled in perusing

His latest pronouncement on sport ;
For it seems that he thinks it the duty

Of sportsmen to aim at the goal
Of adding to bodily beauty

A beauty of soul.

They 've made a good start by proscrib-
ing

All English and* Anglicised terms,
To counter the risk of imbibing

Debased philological germs ;
And they 've coined a new wonderful
lingo,

Which only a Teuton can talk,
Resembling the yelp of a dingo,

A cormorant's squawk.

But in spite of his prowess Titanic,

His marvellous physical gift,
The soul of the athlete Germanic

Still clamours for moral uplift ;
So we learn without any emotion

That, his ultimate aim to secure,
He must bathe in the bountiful ocean

Of German KitJtur.

In the process of character-building

Hun Art (Simplicissimus brand),
With its rococo carving and gilding,

Must ever advance hand in hand
With its sister, Hun Song, that inspiring

And exquisite engine of Hate,
Whose efforts we've all been admiring

So largely of late.

Thus, freed from all sentiment sickly,

The sportsman whom Germany needs
Will help to exterminate quickly

All weak and effeminate breeds ;
And, trained in the gospel of BISSING,

Will cleave to the Hun decalogue
Which rivets the link, rarely missing,

'Twixt him and the hog.

" Parlourmaid wanted for Sussex ; under
parlourmaid kept ; Roman Catholic and spec-
tacles objected to."

Our own preference is for a Plymouth
Sister with pince-nez.

JANUARY 3, 1917.]

PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CIIARIVAIM

Cook (who, after interview with prospective mistress, is goinj to think it over). "'ULLO! PRAMBILATOH '. IP YOU'D TOLD ME YOU
'AD CHILDREN I NEEDN'T HAVE TROUBLED MESELF TO 'AVE COME."

The Prospective Mistress. "OH! B-BUT IF YOU THINK THE PLACE WOULD OTHERWISE SUIT you I DARESAY WE COULD BOARD TH
CHILDREN OUT."

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)

Miss ETHEL SIDGWICK (long life to her as one of our
optimist conquerors!) still keeps her preference for the
creation of charming people and her rare talent for making
them alive. But I wonder if she is not refining her brilliant
technique to the point of occasional obscurity of intention.
At least I know I had to re-read a good many passages to
be quite sure what was in fact intended. An implied com-
pliment, no doubt ; but are all readers so virtuous ? (" or so
dull? " quoth she). Hatchways (SIDGWICK AND JACKSON) is
one of those happily comfortable, just right houses with a
hostess, Ernestine, whom everybody loves and nobody
(save her husband, and he not in this book) makes love to.
Holtner, on the other hand, is the adjoining ducal mansion
with a distinctly uncomfortable dowager still in command
who can't even arrange her dinner-parties and fails to
marry her sons to the right people. Perpetually Hatchways
is wiping the eye of Holiuer, and this touches the -nerve of
the great lady. Her sons, Wickford, the authentic but
hardly reigning duke, and Lord Iveagh Suir, the queer
impressionable (on whom the author has spent much pains
to excellent effect), both take their troubles to Ernestine.
And a young French aviator (this is a pre-War story),
guest at Hatchways, analyses and discusses situations and
characters from his coign of privilege a device adroitly

handled by the discreet author, who adds two charming
girls, coquette Lise, Iveagh's first love, and wise, loyal,
perceptive Bess, whom he found at last. To those who
appreciate subtle portraiture let me commend this study.
. . . I feel just as if I had been for a long week-end at
Hatchways, anxiously wondering, as I write my " roofer,"
if I shall be so lucky as to be asked again.

I think there is little doubt that you will agree with me
in calling The Flaming Sword (HODDEB AND STOUGHTON)
as noble and absorbing a story of fine work finely done as
any that the War has produced. It is the history, told by
herself, of Mrs. ST. CLAIB STOBART'S Eed-Cross Mission "in
Serbia and Elsewhere." The frontispiece, Mr. GEOBQE
EANKIN'S moving picture of The Lady of the Black Horse (a
name always to DO honoured among our Allies), catches the
spirit of the heroic tale and prepares you for what the Lady
herself has to tell. Mrs. STOBABT is no sentimentalist ;
fighting and the overcoming of obstacles are, one would say,
congenial to her mettle ; time and again, even in the midst
of her story of the terrible retreat, with the German guns
ever thundering nearer, she can yet spare a moment to
strike shrewdly and hard for her own side in the other
struggle towards feminine emancipation which is always
obviously close to her heart. Certainly she has well earned
the right to be heard witli respect. Bead this high-
spirited account of the difficulties mud, disease, prejudice.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANUARY 3, 1917.

famine through which the writer brought her charge ! Occasionally indeed Mr. STACPOOLE looks suddenly round
triumphantly to safety, and you will be inclined, with me, the tapestry, even (one might say) tears a hole in it and
to throw your critical cap into the air and thank Heaven j pushes his head through, with a startling effect. But as
for such women of our race, which would be to invite, not he has always the good excuse of sympathy with his sub-
unsuccessfully, some withering snub from the very lady you ject one easily forgives him these generous impulses. As I
were endeavouring to praise. But that can't be helped, 'said before, a book that has had its place long reserved.
Meantime of her exploit and the book that recounts it I

can sum up my verdict in the only Serbian that I have If you happen to remember that most excellent book,
gleaned from its pages Dobro, Dobro ! For a translation \Brother-in-Laiv to Potts, you may recall that the principal
of which you know where to apply. ! motive in it is the spiritualising influence of a certain Lady

'Beautiful, very lightly and even intangibly presented, on

So many battle books have been pouring from the press the lives of some other persons of a more material clay. In
lately that it is difficult to keep pace with them, and harder : Obstacles (CHAPMAN AND HALL), Mrs. " PARRY TRUSCOTT "
still to find something fresh to say of each ; but qnot homines \ has returned to her previous subject, but with the notable
tot points of individual interest, and for those whose concern j difference that she now traces the influence brought in turn
lies more especially with the New Zealand Forces and their to bear upon the lady herself, who emerges from her semi-
campaigns I can very safely recommend a volume which \ divine obscurity to become the heroine of the story. If in
the official war correspondent to that contingent and his her background sketch of the munitions factory where
son have jointly published under the title of Light and , Susannah elects to work the writer does not trouble much
Shade in War (ARNOLD). Whether it is Mr. MALCOLM \ about technical detail or even attempt to suggest any
Ross who supplies the light, and Mr. NOEL Ross the particular acquaintance with such matters as lathes or

shade, or vice versa, we
are given no means of as-
certaining. Between them
they have certainly put
together an agreeable
patchwork of small and
easily read pieces, most
of which have already
appeared in journalistic
form. It is perhaps
parental prejudice that
makes Mr. Punch con-
sider the best of the bunch
to be " Abdul," one of
three slight sketches that
originally saw the light
in his own pages. Abdul
is a joy, also a thief, a
society entertainer, and a
Cairo hospital orderly. 1
can only hope that the
story of how he displayed
his patient's sun-browned

Waitress. "No, SIR, THE MANAGEMENT 'AS NO REASON TO THINK THAT
LORD DEVONPOKT REGARDS BUBBLE AND SQUEAK AS TWO COURSES."

shell bodies, yet she does
convey, with striking sim-
plicity and naturalness,
the impression of a world
at war, and for the rest
she is content to bring her
heroine in contact with
the lives that are to affect
her and the environment
of comparative poverty
that is to help her to a deci-
sion. What that decision
was, and how unnecessary
too, is sufficiently indi-
! cated if I say that she was
blessed with most under -
j standing parents, who
' positively preferred that
1 her suitor should be a poor
man. And so the happy
future that surely no
authoress and most cer-
tainly no male reader could

knees as a raree show to the convulsed G.O.C. and lady, i have the heart to refuse to so delightful a Susannah is avail-
who were visiting the hospital, is at least founded on fact, able to complete a picture touched throughout with singular
The publishers are entirely justified in saying that these grace and charm. In particular the little snap-shots of two
impressions, made often under actual fire, have both colour ideal family households, the one that includes the heroine,
and intimacy. So I wish them good luck in the campaign I and another, much humbler, which she enters as an
for popular favour. i honoured guest, go to make this volume, all too short

Francois Villon, His Life and Times (HUTCHINSON) is
one of those fortunate volumes that arrive to fill a long
vacant corner. So far as I know, with the exception per-
haps of STEVENSON'S study, there has been no means by
which the casual reader, as apart from the student, could

though it is, one that I can recommend with quite unusual
pleasure and confidence.

Our Citizen Soldiers.

" Lord George H. Cholinondeley, M.C., Hotts Royal Horse
i Artillery, who has just been promoted to the rank of mayor in that
correct his probably very vague ideas about the Father of ! Territorial Corps." Cheshire Obscmr.

Realism. Mr. H. DE VERB STACPOOLE, approaching the ; We congratu late His Worship and also the Hotts.

subject not for the first time, here essays a brief life and

appreciation of the poet, told in picturesque but simple; ,, The General Committee and all clergy and ministers (a,s well an

Style. Sometimes indeed the simplicity IS apt to appear ; the choir) are invited to sit on the orchestra."

overdone, so that one gets a suggestion that the story is HV.s/cns Morning News.

being presented to us in thoughts of one syllable. Apart ( We are afraid the orchestra has not been doing its best.

from this, however, there is much to be said for Mr. STAC-

POOLE'S vivid reconstruction of mediaeval France, and the j "WRAPPING paper (in sheets and reels) and Twins; large stock.

Paris that sheltered VILLON himself, TABABY, MONTIGNY and Please state size required, and we will quote best cash terms."

the others that group of shadows whom we see only by j Irish Paper.

the lightning of genius. They and their contemporaries An obvious attempt to cut into the trade of the dairyman

pass before us here like a pageant woven upon tapestry. | whose speciality is "^Families Supplied."

JANUARY 10, 1917.]

PUNCH, Oil THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

CHARIVARIA.

THE effect of the curtailed train-
service throughout the country is al-
ready observable. On certain sections
of one of our Southern lines there are
no trains running except those which
started prior to January 1st.

'I* '-':'

* T

The new Treasury Notes, wo aro
told, aro to have a picture of the House
of Commons on the back. It is hoped
that other places of amusement, such
as the Crystal Palace and the Imperial
Institute, will bo represented on subse-
quent issues. * ,u

It is announced from Germany that
arrangements have been made whereby
criminals are to bo enrolled in the
army. They have, of course, already

conducted many of its operations.

* *
*

According to The Daily Chronicle
there are only twenty-three full Gen-
erals in the British Army a total iden-
tical with that of the late Cabinet. It
is only fair to the army to state that

the number is purely a coincidence.
$ $

"THE RISE IN BOOT PRICES

WOMEN'S LABOE PURCHASES."
The above headlines in a contem-
porary have caused a good deal of
natural jealousy among members of

the Force. + *

" At them and through them 1 " says
the Hamburger Fremdenblatt in a
seasonable message to the commander
of the Turkish Navy. This will not
deceive the Turk, who is beginning to
realise that, while the invitation to go at
the enemy is sincere, any opportunities
of "going through" him will be exclu-
sively grasped by his Teutonic ally.

Prince BUELOW has again arrived in
j Swit/.erland. It is these bold and
j dramatic strokes that lift the German
diplomat above the ranks of the com-
monplace. % %

It is explained by a railway official
that a passenger who pays threepence
for a ticket to-day is really only giving
the company twopence, the rest being
water, owing to the decline in the
purchasing power of money. A move-
ment is now on foot among some of
the regular passengers to endeavour to
persuade the companies to consent to
take their fares neat for the future.

* *

At his Coronation the Emperor KARL
OF AUSTRIA waved the sword of ST.
STEPHEN towards the four corners of
the earth, to indicate his intention to
protect his empire n gainst all its foes.

C N

PJUVATE SLOGGEB, JUST ABBIVED WITH LAST DRAFT AND oir GUARD DUTY FOB FIRST

TIME, FORGETS HIMSELF WHEN THE COLONEL APPEARS ACCOMPANIED BY HIS DAUGHTER.

The incident has been receiving the
earnest consideration of the KAISEB,
who has now finally decided that in
the circumstances it is not necessary
to regard it as an unfriendly act.

It was felt that the ceremonies con-
nected with the Coronation ought to
be curtailed out of regard for the suffer-
ings due to the War. So they dis-
pensed with the customary distribution
of bread to the poor.

Lecturing to a juvenile audience
Professor ARTHUR KEITH said that
there w T as no difference between detec-
tives and scientists, and some of the
older boys are still wondering whether
he was trying to popularise science or
to discredit detective stories.
:- *

Germans cannot now obtain footwear,
it is reported, without a permit card.
Nevertheless we know a number of them
who are assured of getting the boot

without any troublesome formalities.
tf *

Burglars have stolen eighteen ducks

from the estate of BETHMANN-HOLLWEO.
It will be interesting to note how their
defence that "Necessity knows no
law" is received by the distinguished
advocate of the invasion of Belgium.

" Taxicab drivers must expect a very
low standard of intoxication to apply
to them," said the Lambeth magistrate
last week. On the other hand the
police should be careful not to mis-
interpret the air of light-hearted devilry
that endeared the " growler " to the
hearts of an older generation.

* *

It is stated that 12,250,000 has been
sent by Germany into Switzerland to
raise the exchanges. A much larger
sum, according to Mr. PUTNAM, was
sent into the United States merely to
raise the wind. ^ ...

Referring to the Highland regiments
a Globe writer says, "The streets of
London will reel with the music of the
pipes when they come back." This is
one of those obstacles to peace that
has been overlooked by the KAISER.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANUARY 10, 1917.

VIENNA-BOUND: A REVERIE EN ROUTE.

[A Wireless Tress telegram says : "The German Imperial train has
reached Constantinople in order to transport the Sultan to Vienna, to
take part in tho conference of Sovereigns to be hold there."]

1 HATE all trains and told thorn so;

I said that I should much prefer

(Being, as Allah knows, no traveller)
To stick to Stamboul and the status quo.

They said, "If you would rather walk,

Pray do so; it will save the fare;"

Which shows that WILLIAM (who will take the Chair)
Insists that I shall come and hear him talk.

I've never tried a train before;

It makes mo sick ; it knocks my nerves ;

The noises and the tunnels and the curves
Add a new horror to the woes of war.

Wiiat am I hero for, anyhow ?

I 'm summoned for appearance' sake,
To nod approval at tho Chief, but take

No further part in his one-man pow-wow.

My job is just to sit, it seems,
And act the silent super's role,
The while I wish myself, with all my soul.

Safe back in one or more of my hareeins.

I 'd let tho Conference go hang ;
Any who likes can have my pew
And play at peace-talk with this pirato crew,

WILLIAM and KARL and FEBDIE what a gang I

Our Chairman wants to save his skin
And (curse this train !) to cook a plan
For Germany to pouch what spoils she can

All very nice ; but where do I como in ?

At best I 'm but the missing link

Upon his Berlin-Baghdad line;

This is the senior partner's show, not mine;
Will he consult my feelings ? I don't think.

If Russia's gain should mean my loss,
He '11 wince at Teuton schemes cut short,
But for my grief, expelled from my own Porte,

Will he care greatly ? Not one little toss.

Well, as I 've said and" said again,

'Tis Fate (Kismet), and, should it frown,
Wo Faithful have to take it lying down

And yet, by Allah, how I loathe this tram 1

0. S.

"A subaltern friend of mine landed at Gibraltar for a few hours,
and he was anxious to be able to say that ho had been to Spain.
So ho walked along tho Isthmus to Ceuta, whore the British and
Spanish sentries faced one another, and directly tho Spanish soldier
turned hi.s head he hopped quickly over into Spain. Then tho sentry
turned round, and he hopped back again oven more quickly."

Daily Sketch.

Those of our readers who have walked from the Gibraltar
frontier to Morocco and back, like the above subaltern,
know that it takes some doing.

" JAMES PHILLIPS, 1C, was charged with doing damage to the
extent of 4 10s. at a refreshment shop in Hackney belonging to
Peter Persico. As ho was kept waiting a little time he broke a plate
on the table ; then he put a saucer under his heel and broke it.
When remonstrated with he broke 16 cups and saucers by throwing
them at partitions and enamelled decorations, and overturned a
marble table, tho top of which he smashed." Tilt Times.

No doubt he was incited to these naughty deeds by the

lino, Vfirv nnnnlar in TTnnlmAV r>iiv>lns " "TWeirxVa r>di

line, very popular in Hackney circles,
puer, apparatus."

Persico's odi,

HEART-TO-HEART TALKS.

(The Emperor of AUSTRIA and Count TISZA.)

Tisza. So there is tho full account, your Majesty, of men
killed, wounded and captured.

The Emperor. It is a gloomy list and I hardly can boar
to consider it. %

Tisza. Yes, and beyond tho mere list of casualties by
fighting there are other matters to be considered. Food is
scarce and of a poor quality, in Hungary as elsewhere.
The armies we can yet feed, but tho home-staying men
and tho women and children are a growing difficulty. It
becomes more and more impossible to provide thorn with
sufficient nourishment.

The Emperor. It is strange, but in Austria the conditions
are said to be even worse.

Tisza. You are right, Sire, they are worse, much worse.

The Emperor. Well, we must lose no time then. Wo
must buy great stocks of food. More money must be spent.

Tisza. More money? But where is it to come from?
Not from Hungary, whore we are within a narrow margin
of financial collapse, and not in Austria, where there is
already to all intents and purposes a state of .bankruptcy.
More money is not to be got, for we have none ourselves
and nobody will lend us any.

The Empcrcr. You paint the situation in dark colours,
my friend TISZA.

Tisza. 1 paint it as it is, Sire, at any rate as I see it. It
is not the pait of a lloyal Counselor to act otherwise.

The Emperor. Yes, but there might be others who would
take a different view, and support their belief with equally
good reasons.

Tisza. Not if they know the facts and are faithful to
their duty as Ministers of the State. Here and there, no
doubt, might he found foolish and ambitious men who
would be willing to deceive, first themselves and then their
Emperor, as to the true condition of affairs. But, if your
Majesty trusted them and allowed them to guide you, you
would learn too late how ill they had understood their
duty. I myself, though determined to do everything in
my power to promote the welfare of Hungary and its King,
would willingly stand aside if you think that others would
give you greater strength.

The Emperor. I have every reason to trust you most fully.
Have you any plan for extricating us from this dreadlul
morass of failure and difficulty into which we are plunged '!

Tisza. Your Majesty, there is only one way. We must
have peace, and must have it as soon as possible.

The Emperor. I too think we must have peace, but how
shall we obtain it when we have a friend and ally who
watches us with the closest care, and would not allow us
even to hint at any steps that would really lead to peace?

Tisza. Sire, you are a young man, but you are a scion
of a great anil ancient House, which was powerful and
illustrious when the Hohenzollerns were but mean and petty
barbarian princelings. Withdraw yourself, while the op-
portunity is still with you, from the fatal domination of
this vain and inflated upstart who endeavours to serve only
his own selfish designs. Our enemies will make peace
with you, and thus he too will be forced to abandon the
War. With him and with the deeds that have outraged
the world they will not initiate any movement that tends
to peace. He must go through his punishment, as indeed
we all must, but his, I think, will be heavier than ours.

The Emperor. Then you want me to make peace ?

Tisza. If it could be done by holding up your hand, I
would urge you to hold it up at once.

The Emperor. And what would the world say ?

Tisza. The world would glorify your name.

PUNCH, OB THE LONDON CHARIVARI. JANUAUY 10. 1917.

A SHOET WAY AYITH TINO.

THK r.iu Grx (riiHjinr/ -up the Entente Exchange). "Oil, YOU ABE THESE, AEE YOU? WELL,
PUT ME ON TO NUMBER ONE, ATHENS."

PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANUARY 10, 1917.

A KNIGHT-ERRANT.

Sister Baynes camo into my room
just as I was putting on my out-door
uniform and wanted to know how I
was spending my two hours off duty.
She is full of curiosity about she calls
it interest in other people's affairs.
When I told her I was going out to buy
a birthday present she looked rather
stern. Said she :

" Tho giving of unnecessary presents
has become a luxury which few of us
nowadays think it right to afford."

I didn't answer her because at the
moment I could think of no really
adequate reason why Bobbie should
have a present, except that I so very
much wanted to give him one. Bobbie
is tall and young and red-
haired and, of course, khaki
clad. We are going to be
married " when the War is
over."

1 pondered Sister Baynes'
words until I reached Oxford
Street, and then forgot them
in the interest of choosing
the present. For a while I
hesitated between cigarettes
and chocolates, and finally
decided on the latter. Bobbie
is a perfect pig about sweets.
I bought a comfortable-look-
ing box, ornamented with a
St. George, improbably attired
in khaki, slaying a delightful
German dragon clad in blue
and a Uhlan helmet. St.
George had red hair and a
distinct look of Bobbie, which
was one reason why I got
him.

This business accom-
plished, I thought I would
call on a friend who lives near by.
She is middle-aged and rather sad,
and spends her time pushing trolleys
about a munition works. Just now,
however, I knew she had a cold and
couldn't go out. I found her on the
floor wrestling with brown paper, pre-
paring a parcel for her soldier on Salis-
bury Plain. She adopted him through a
League, and spends all her spare time and
pocket-money in socks and cigarettes
for him. She smiled at mo wanly, with
a piece of string between her teeth, and
I felt I simply must do something to
cheer her up.

"I'vo brought you some chocolates
for your cold," I said. " Eat ono and
forget the War and the weather," and
I handed her Bobbie's box. Her neces-
sity, as someone says somewhere,
seemed at the moment so much greater
than his.

" You extravagant child! " she said,
but her face lightened for an instant.

She admired St. George almost as much
as I had done, but, though she lingered
the orange-coloured Dow, she did not un-
tie it, so 1 concluded she meant to have
an orgy by herself later on. We talked

I for a while, and then I looked at the
clock and fled for the hospital. She

I thanked me again for the chocolates as

, I went ; she really seemed quite pleased
with them.

Two days later Matron collared me
in the passage and gave me a handful
of letters and things to distribute.
There was a fat parcel for Martha, the

ward-maid. I found her in the closet
where she keeps her brooms, and gave
it her. Her eyes simply danced as she
took it, first carefully wiping her hand
on her apron.

HIE COMBINATION SCOOTER AND CARPET SWEEPER

BUY YOUB SERVANT ONE AND ADD A ZEST TO HEIl WOUK.

"It's from my bruvver," she ex-
plained. " 'Im on Salisbury Plain.
Very good to me 'e always is." She
stripped off the paper and gave a
sigh of rapture. "Lor, Nurse, ain't it
beautiful? "

It was a chocolate box, a comfortable-
looking chocolate box, ornamented with
a red-headed St. George, a largo blue
dragon and a vivid orange bow.

" It does seem nice," 1 agreed.

" Fancy 'im spending all that on me,"
said Martha.

" You '11 be able to have quite a feast,"
said I, smiling at my old friend St.
George.

Martha suddenly looked shy.

" I 'in not going to keep it," she con-
fided. She came closer to me. " Do
you remember young Eenshaw, what
used to be in your ward, Nurse ? "

I nodded ; 1 remembered him well, a
cheery boy with a smashed leg, now in
a Convalescent Home by the sea.

" 'Im and me's engaged," said Martha
in a hoarse whisper. " I liked 'im and
he liked me, and one day as I was doing
the windows 'e asked me. 'E says the
food down there is that monopolous, so
I '11 send him this 'ere just to cheer
'im up like."

It seemed an excellent idea to me.
I beamed upon Martha. I helped her
to re-wrap St. George, and lent her my
fountain-pen to write the address which
was to send my Knight once more upon
his travels. It appeared to rne that he
and his dragon were seeing a lot of life.
Bobbie had arranged to call for me on
his birthday, so when my oil duty camo
I simply flung on my things and raced
for the hall. As I passed Matron's
door she called mo in. I entered trem-
bling; it was always a toss-
up with Matron whether
you were to bo smiled upon
or strafed.

To-day she was lamb-like.
She sat at a desk piled high
with papers. Among them
lay a vivid coloured object.

" I 've just had a letter
from that young Eenshaw,"
she said. " Such a charming
letter, thanking us for all our
kindness and enclosing a
present to show his appre-
ciation." She smiled. She
seemed hugely pleased about
something. " He addresses
it to rne," she went on ;
" but, though I am grateful
for the kind thought, I do
not myself eat chocolates."

She picked up the box, a
comfortable-looking box orna-
mented with an orange satin
bow.

" I think these are more
in your line than mine," she said,
"and Eenshaw was in your ward. You
have really the best right to them."

She handed me the box of chocolates.
I gazed at my travelled Saint and he
gazed back. I could almost have sworn
he winked.

Clutching him and his dragon, I de-
parted and danced down the corridor
into the hall. There waited Bobbie,
red-haired and khaki-clad, more like
St. George than the gallant knight
himself.

"How do you do?" I greeted him.
" Many happy returns, dear old thing! "
As he held out his hand I put some-
thing into it. " A box of chocolates,"
I explained; "I bought them for your
birthday ! "

" Wuntcd, for Lo\v Comedian, really Funny
Sons." Tlia Staye.

As a change, we suppose, from the
eternal mother-in-law.

J\M;\UY 10,

PUNCH, OK TIIH LONDON ril.MMVAIM.

Inretcrata (.lulfer (stuiuj by tlte leading article). "I SUPPOSE / AM REALLY NOX-ESSESTIAL. IT'S IJABD TO REALISE mis WITH

OSK'S HANDICAP JUST BEDCCED TO SEVEN."

THE REGIMENTAL MASCOT.

\\HKN his honour tho Colonel took
tilic o\vld rigimcnt to France, Herself
came lioinc bringin' the rigimental
nt with her. A big white long-
haired billy-goat lie was, the same.

" I '11 not bo afthev lavin him at the

daypo," says Herself; "'tis noplace

for a domestic animal at all, the lan-

them little drummer-boys uses,

the dear knows," says she.

" Ah, Delaney, 'tis the marshal spent
widin him," she'd say; "we must be
patient with him for the sake of the
owld rigiment ; " and with that she'd
start hand-feedin' him with warmed-up
sponge-cake and" playin' with his long
silky hair.

" Far be it from me," I says to
Mikeen, the herd, to question the work-
ings o' Providence, but were I the
Colonel of a rigiment, which I am not,
and h/.irl to have a mascot, it 'a not a

So mo bowld mascot he stops up at rapareo billy I 'd bo afther havin', but
the Castle and makes free with the|a nanny, or mebbe a cow, that would

step along dacently with the rigiment
and bring ye luck, and mebbe a dropeen

flower-beds and the hall and the dra\v-
in'-rooni and the domestic maids the
way he'd be tho Lord-Lieutenant o'
the land, and not jist a plain human
Augury goat . A proud arrygent crature i

o' milk for the orficers' tea as well.
If it 's such cratures that bring ye
fortune may I die a peaceful death in

it is, be tho |>I>\\<TS! Steppin' about a poor-house," says I.

as di-dainy as a Dublin gerrl in Bally- "I'm wid ye," says Mikeen, groanin',

dohoh, and it, mebbe, you'd address lie bein' spotted like a leopard with

him for to get oft your flower-beds with bruises by rason of him havin' to

tho colour of anger in your mouth he 'd comb the mascot's silky hair twice

let a roar out of him like a Sligo piper
with poteen taken, and fetch you a
skelp with his horns that would lay
you out for dead.

daily, and the quick temper of the
baste at the tangles.

The long of a summer the billy stops
up at the Castle, archin' his neck at

And sorra the use is it of complainiu' the wurrld and growin' prouder and
to Herself. ' prouder by dint of the standin' he had

with the owld rigiment and the high-
feedin' he had from Herself. Faith,
'tis a great delight we servints had of
him I 'm tellin' ye ! It was as much
as your life's blood was worth to cross
his path in the garden, and if the
domestic maids would be meetin' him
in the house they 'd let him eat the
dresses off them before they dare say
a word.

In the autumn me bowld mascot
gets a wee trifle powerful by dint o' the
high-feedin' and the natural nature of
the crature. Herself, wid her iligant
lady's nose, is afther noticin' it, and
she sends wan o' the gerrls to tell
meself and Mikeeu to wash the baste.

" There will be murdher done this
day," says I to the lad, " but 'tis the
orders go get the cart-rope and the
chain off the bull-dog, and we'll do it.
Faith, it isn't all the bravery that's at
the Front," says I.

" That 's tho true wurrd," says he,
rubbin' the lumps on his shins, the
poor boy.

"Oh, Delaney." says the domestic;
gerrl, draw in' a bottle from her apron
pocket, " Herself says will ye plaze be
so obligin' to sprinkle the mascot wid

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANUARY 10, 1917.

a dropecn of this ody-koloney scent
mebbo it will quonch liis powerfuluess,
she says."

I put the bottlo in rne pocket. We
tripped up ino brave goat with the
rope, got the bull's collar and chain,
and dragged him away towards the
pond, him buckin' and ragin' between
us like a Tyrona Street lady in the
arms of the poliss. To hear the roars
he lot out of him -would turn your
hearts cowld as lead, but wo held on.

The Saints were wid us ; in half-an-
hour wo had him as wet as an eel, and
broke the bottle of ody-koloney over
his back.

Ho was clane mad. " God save us
all when ho gets that chain oft' him 1 "
I siys. "God save us it is!" says
Mikeen, looking around for a tree to
shin.

Just at the minut we heard a great
screechin' o' dogs, and through the
fence conies tho harrier pack that the
Eeserve orticers kept in the camp be-
yond. (" Harriers " they called them,
but, begob ! there wasn't anythin' they
wouldn't hunt from a fox to a turkey,
those ones.)

"What are they afther chasin'?"
says Mikeen.

" 'Tis a stag to-day, be tho news-
papers," I says, " but tho dear knows
they'll not cotch him this month, he
must be gone by this half-hour, and the
breath is from them, their tongues is
hangin' out a yard," I says.

'Twas at that moment the Blessed
Saints gave me wisdom.

" Mikoan," I says, " drag the mascot
out before them ; we '11 see sport this
day."

" Herself " he begins.

" Hoult your whisht," says I, " and
come on." With that we dragged me
bowld goat out before the dogs and
let go tho chain.

The dogs sniffed up the strong blast
of ody-koloney and let a yowl out of
them like all the banshees in the
nation of Ireland, and the billy legged
it for his life small blame to him I

Mesolf and Mikeen climbed a double
to see the sport.

"They have him," says Mikeen.
" They have not," says I ; " tho craturc
howlds them by two lengths."

"He has doubled on them," says
Mikesn ; " ho is as sly as a Jew."

" He is forninst tho rabbit holes
now," I says. " I thank the howly
Saints he cannot burrow."

" He has tripped up they have him
bayed," says Mikoen.

And that was the mortal truth, the
dogs had him.

Oh, but it was a bowld billy ! lie
went in annng thoss hounds like a lad
o a fuii-, you could hear his horns

lambastin' their ribs a mile away.
But they were too many for him and
bit the grand silky hair off him by the
mouthful. The way it flow you 'd think
it was a snowstorm.

"They have him dcsthroyed," says
Mikeen.

"They have," says I, "God bo
praised ! "

At the moment tho huntsman leps
his harse up on the double beside us ;
he was phlastered with muck from his
hair to his boots.

" What have they out there? " says
he, blinkin' through the mud and not
knowin' rightly what his hounds were
coursin' out before him, whether it
would be a stag or a Bengal tiger.

" 'Tis her ladyship's Rile Imperial
Mascot Goat," says I ; " an' God save
your honour for she 11 have your blood
in a bottle for this day's worrk."

The huntsman lets a curse out of his
stummick and rides afther them, flat on
his saddle, both spurs tearin'. In the
wink of an eye lie is down among the
dogs, larruppin" them with his whip
and drawin' down curses on them that
would wither ye to hear him he had
groat eddication, that orficer.

" Come now," says I to Mikeen, the
poor lad, " let you and me bear the
cowld corpse of the diseased back to
Herself, mebbe she 11 have a shillin'
handy in her hand, the way she 'd
reward us for saving the body from the
dogs," says I.

But was me bowld mascot dead ?
He was not. He wag alive and well,
the thickness of his wool had saved him.
For all that he had not a hair of it left
to him, and when he stood up before
you you wouldn't know him ; he was
that ordinary without his fleece, he
was no more than a common poor
man's goat, he was no more to look at
than a skinned rabbit, and that 's the
truth.

Ho walked home with meself and
Mikeen as meek as a young gerrl.

Herself came runnin' out, all fluttery,
to look at him.

" Ah, but that 's noj; my mascot,"
says she.

"It is, Marm," says I; and I swore
to it by the whole Calendar Mikeen
too.

" Bah ! how disgustin'. Take it to
the cow-house," says she, and stepped
indoors without another word.

We led tho billy away, him hangin'
his head for shame at his nakedness.

" Yell do no more mascottin' avic,"
says I to him. " Sorra luck you would
bring to a blind beggar-man the way
you are now you 11 never step along
again with the drums and tambourines."

And that was the trua wcrd, for
though Herself had Mikeen rubbiiv'

him daily with bear's-grease and hair-
lotion ho never grow the same grand
fleece again, and he 'd stand about in
the back-field, brooding for hours to-
gether, the divilment clane gone out
of his system ; and if, mebbe, you 'd
draw the stroke of an ash-plant across
his ribs to hearten him, he'd only just
look at you sad-liko and pass no
remarks. -^^^______

TOP-O'-THE-MORNING.

Top-o'-tho-Morning's shoes are off;

Ho runs in the orchard, rough, all day ;
Chasing the hens for a turn at tho

trough,
Fighting tho cows for a place at the

hay ;
With a coat where the Wiltshire mud

lias dried,
Witli brambles caught in his mane

and tail

Top-o'-the-Morning, pearl and pride
Of tho foremost tlight of tho White
Horse Vale I

The master he carried is Somewhere in

France

Leading a cavalry troop to-day,
Beady, if Fortune but give him the

chance,

Ready as ever to show them the way,
Hiding as straight to his new desiro
As ever he rode to the lino of old,
Facing his fences of blood and fire
Witli a brow of flint and a heart of
gold.

Do the hoofs of his horses wake a dream
Of a trampling crowd at the covert-
side,
Of a lead on the grass and a glinting

stream
And Top-o'-the-Morning shortening

stride ?
Does the triumph leap to his shining

eyes
As the wind of the vale on his cheek

blows cold,
And the buffeting big brown shoulders

rise

To his light heel's touch and his light
hand's hold ?

When the swords are sheathed and the

strife is done,
And the cry of hounds is a call to

men ;
When the straight - necked Wiltshire

foxes run
And the first flight rides on the grass

again ;
May Top-o'-the-Morning, sleek of hide,

Shod, and tidy of mane and tail,
Light, and fit for a man to ride,

Lead them once more in the White
Horse Vale ! W. H. 0.

Polygamy in Workington.

" Supper was served by somo of the wives of
some of the members." WorHngton News.

JANUAHY 10, 1917.]

PUNCH, Oil TIIK LONDON CHARIVARI.

TRAGEDY OF A DUTIFUL WIFE.

'."Mil

KV f Mil

"1 BAY, THAT Mr.S. L>ASI1\VOOU Spjl FiNGTON SICK MS A JOLLY
WOMAN WHAT?" " IsH'l SHE A LITTLE EB "

"NOT A BIT OP IT. A WOMAN OCG1IT TO BE CHEEET,
ESPECIALLY IS THESE TIMES." " I SEE, DEAB."

"(iUKAT HEAVENS 1 WlIAT AI1E YOU CUTTING YOUB NEW
Mi ESS TO BITS FOB? "

" IT 'S ALL IlIGHT, DEAB. MRS. DASHWOOD SriFFINGTON HAB
ONE QUITE AS SHOUT AS THIS."

" AREN'T YOU MAKING YOURSELF BATHES cosspicuors ? "
" BUT I THOUGHT YOU LIKKD CHEKKY PEOPLE LIKE MRS.
DASHWOOD SPIFFINGTON."

" \VAT ON EABTH ?"

" I 'M MAKING A NEW HAT, DEAB. I SAW MBS. DASHV, OOD
SPIFFISGTOS WEABIBO OSE VZBY LIKB THIS."

" GOOD LOIUJ! WHAT HAVE YOU DOXE TO YOUB FACB?"
" MBS. DASHWOOD SWFFINGTOS ALWAYS MAKES DP A
LITTLE WHEN BHE 'B GOING OCT. OH I FOBGOT TO TELL
YOU I HAVEN'T ORDERED ANY DINSEB, AS I TIIOLGHT WB

GO AND DIKE AT A BESTAUBANT."

" I '.M AWFULLY SORRY, DEAR. I OUGHT TO HAVE PRACTISED
BMOK1SO. I EXl'ECT JlliS. DASHWOOD SPIFFIKGTOX "

"D MRS. DASHWOOD SPIFFCSOTON I "

" VERY WELL, DEAB."

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANUAKV 10, 1917.

THE PINCH OF WAR.

Lady of the House (War Profiteer's wife, forlornly). "THEY'VE JUST TAKEN OUB THIRD FOOTMAN; AND IF ANI" MOKE OF OUB

MEN HAVE TO QO WE SHALL CLOSE THE HOUSE AND LIVE AT THE KlTZ UNTIL THE \YAli IS OVEB (brightly) HOWEVEB, WE MUST
ALL SACRIFICE SOMETHING."

OVEE- WEIGHT.

Scene : A London Terminus.

Porter (U'itli an air of finality). It
weighs 'undrecl-and-four pounds. You
can't take it, mum.

Lady Traveller. Oh, I must take it.
[Porter is obliged by an irritation
of the head to remove his cap,
but does not speak.

Lady Traveller. It's all right. I
know the manager of the line, and he
would pass it for me.

Her Friend. Isn't your friend man-
ager of the Great Southern?

Lady Traveller (sharply). He lias a
great deal to do with all these railways
now. (To Porter, hopefully, but not very
confidently) That will he all right.

Porter. Very sorry, mum. It can't
bo done.

Lady Traveller. My friend the man-
ager would be very much annoyed at
my being stopped like this. Only four
pounds, too. \Vhy, it 's nothing.

[Porter removes his cap again on
account of further irritation.

Lady Traveller (to her Friend). I
don't know what I 'm to do. (To Porter)
What am I to do ?

Porter (deliberately). You must open
it and take sotnethink out.

He
four

two
but

Lady Traveller. I can't open it here.

Porter (ignoring this). Somethink
weighing a bit over four pounds.

Lady Traveller. But I can't do it here.

Porter (ignoring this). Pair o' boots
or somethink.

Lady Traveller (to her Friend).
seems to think my boots wcigli
pounds.

Her Friend. Haven't you got
pairs ?

Lady Traveller (sourly). Yes,
two pairs of my boots wouldn't weigh
four pounds.

Porter (who has been quietly undoing
the straps). Is it locked, mum?

Lady Traveller (producing key and
almost in tears). It 's too bad.

[She dives into box and extracts
two pairs of boots wrapped in
nnvspapers.

Porter (taking them and weiijliiinj
them judiciously in Jtis hands). Tlnit 's
all right, mum.

[lie pushes box on to weighing
machine which registers under
100 Ibs.

Lady Traveller. They 're very thick
boots, of course. Whatever am I to do
with them now ?

Her Friend. We shall have to carry
them. [Takes one parcel.

Lady Traveller. Jane shall hear of
this. I told her never to use newspaper
for packing.

Her Fricjid (suddenly). There 's Major
Merriman.

Lady Traveller. So it is. Don't let
him see us with these dreadful parcels.
(Angrily) Why don't you turn round?
He '11 see you.

Major Merriman. How do you do ?

Lady Traveller (in great surprise).
Oh, how do you do, Major Merriman?
We've been having such an amusing
experience, etc., etc.

What made Lord Devonport Dizzy.

' ; Tho following resolution was unanimously
passed, and ordered to be sent to the Prime
Minis ternnd the Food Controller (Lord Beacons-
field)." The Western Gazette.

" Lamp-posts and trees and other pedes-
trians were found with unpleasant and some-
times violent frequency."

Bcclienham Journal.

That 's the worst of a fog ; landmarks
will keep on walking about.

A propos of the TSAR'S manifesto :

" The Retch says : ' The order puts the dot
on all Uie"t's.""' " Provincial Paper.

It is a far, far better thing to dot your
" t's " than cross your " i's."

ITNCII, OR T1IH LONDON CIIAH1VARL -JANTARY 10. 1917.

THE DAWN OF DOUBT.

GRETCIH;X. "I WONDER IF THIS GENTLEMAN EEALLY IS MY GOOD ANGEL AFTER ALL!"

PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[.JANUARY 10, 1917.

Benevolent O^ittemin. "You MUSI' BH C\BE?OL, MY MAS, OB YOU WILL BET CLERGYMAN'S SOBE THKOAT."

NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN.

(SECOND SERIES. )
xv. THE TOWEU.
THEY put a Lady in the Tower,

Heigh-o, fiddlcdedee !
They put a Lady in the Tower
And told her she was in their power
And left her there for half-an-hour,
Heigh-o, fiddlededee !

They put a Padlock on the Chain,

Heigh-o, fiddlededee !
They put a Padlock on the Chain,
.But they left the Key in the South of

Spain,
So the Lady took it oil again,

Ileigh-o, tiddlededee !

They put a Bulldog at the Door,

lleigh-o, fiddlededee !
They put a Bulldog at the Door,
He was so old he could only snore,
And he 'd lost his Tooth the day before,

Heigh-o, fiddlededee !

They put a Beefeater at tho Gate,

Hefgh-o, fiddlededee !
They put a Beefeater at tho Gate,
But as his ago was eighty-eight
His Grandmother said he couldn't wait,

Heigh-o, fiddlededee !

They put a Prince to watch the Stair,

]Ieigh-o, fiddlededee!
They put a Prince to watch the Stair,
But he had a Golden Eing to spare,
So he married the Lady then and
there,

Heigh-o, fiddlededee !

And ever since that grievous hour,

Ileigh-o, fiddlededee !
Kver since that grievous hour
When the lovely Lady was in their

power
They 've never put nobody in the

Tower,
Heigh-o, fiddlededee !

Flattery from the Front.

" I got your parcel quite undamaged, and it
rainc lit a time when \ve were short of grub.
I could have eaten a dead monkey, so your
aine in very useful."

" Jlnjor-Gencrnl (Temporary General) Sir
Hugh de la Peer Bough, K.G.B., whose name
appears in the New Year list of honours as
being promoted to tho rank of lieutenant-
general, is a second cousin of Major-General
Hugh Sutlej Kough." Liverpool Eclio.

It is rumoured that he is also con-
nected with that famous fighting family
the GOUGHS.

A POSTSCEIPT.

(Sunijested by a later list of L. N.Vf.R.

stations which have been closed.)
A FURTHER list of closured stations
Elicits further protestations.
Blank desolation, grim and stark,
Broods sadly o'er Carpenders Park,
And Friezland, as perhaps is meet,
Is suffering badly from cold feet.
The population of Rhosneigr
Is raging like a wounded tiger ;
And those who used to book at Llong
Are using language, loud and strong,
While residents around Chalk Farm
Are filled with anguish and alarm.

N.B. In our anterior lay

One letter somehow went astray ;

We therefore now apologise ;

'Tis Aspley, and not Apsley, Guise.

From an article on " Greece and
Belgium " :

' ' King Tino has a black record of blood and
treachery to answer, and to compare his case
with that of King Leopold is the blackest out-
rage of all." Star.

Personally we think that it were blacker
still to compare his case with that of
KING ALBERT.

JANUAUV 10, 1917.1

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

THE LITTLE RIFT.

Mr \vifo and I aro in perfect agree-
ment about everything. \Yo aro like
ilia Allied Ministers who meet at
1'uiis; \vo always "arrive at a com-
plete understanding " in all matters of
policy. When strict economy was on-
:i)inc-d upon us I moved my desk into
the dining-room to save a firo. She
made a summer hat out of a bit of my
old Panama, encased in the remnants
of an evening gown. All was well.

I should be giving you a wrong im-
pression altogether if I were to suggest
that there was the slightest difference
of opinion between us. I most solemnly
declare that I am as good a patriot
as she is. Still, as time goes on, I do
feel a certain uneasiness, a suggestion
of a now domestic element that needs
watching.

We are both in it, but the initiative
rests with her. She asks me to take two
Belgian refugees and the housemaid and
the dog and the laundry-hamper along
with mo in the two-seater to the station,
to save petrol. Well, I am willing.
She fills the herbaceous border with
alternating potatoes and carnations.
Well, I am more than willing. She
bottles peas and beans. And I say to
you that I am proud and happy that
she should think of these things.

Above all she gets at the very root
of the food problem. I should say that
hero she has advantages over some, as
I belong to the class of husband known
as Easily Fed. She has got hold of a
whole sheaf of leaflets from the War
Oflice or somewhere " When is a pie
not a pie?" "Leave out the egg;"
" How to make something out of some-
thing else," etc., etc. ; and we feed on
these chiefly. She knows I don't like
rabbits, and yet I am well aware
that rabbits are repeatedly insinuated
in such forms as not to leave a single
clue. I cannot tell you how I admire
and approve. Still it makes me
thoughtful sometimes.

No doubt you will believe that we
are being drawn together by sharing
those hardships. Well, yes. In a way.
And yet I don't feel easy about it. We
are quite in sympathy, but there is
a difference in our point of view.
Mine, I affirm, is the nobler. I econo-
mize, although I loathe it ; while she,
I am convinced, is beginning to like it.
I don't mean to say that she does it on
purpose, but that phrase may give you
an idea what I mean. I sometimes
wonder wistfully if the hand that put
that ugly new steel contraption at the
back of the fire to save the coal is really
the hand that I wooed and won ten years
ago. I see in her the steady growth of an
implacable conscience. In moments of

"Hi I BILLI Doii'r COME DOWX THIS Z.ADDEH. I'VE TOOK IT AWAY."

depression I have a horrid feeling that
she always wanted to do this sort of
thing and never got a real chance till
now.

We were extraordinarily happy be-
fore the War. We wore not at all
hard up and we had no compunctions
about spending money. But now
I wonder how long the War will last?
What I am afraid of is the formation of
habits. I am already guarding against
it by talking about all the things that
we are going to do after the War. She
quite agrees with me about them, but
she isn't enthusiastic. I put my claims
pretty high. The garden is to be
reconstructed, and I am adding a wing
to the house. W r e aro going to travel

first, and I am not sure that wo shan't
have a naw cook. And we are to have
an Airedale and an Axminstor, and a
Stilton and a new Panama.

As a matter of fact that is all bluff on
my part. I only -want to have some-
thing in hand to bargain with. If I
can ever get back to the status quo
ante I will not ask for annexations.

Well, that is how it is. Most eagerly
do I fall in with her latest suggestion
that I should let her clean my flannel
suit with benzine (I don't like the smell
of it) instead of getting a now one.
Only I live in a growing fear that the
day when peace is signed in Europe
will bo the signal for an outbreak of a
new form of warfare in our happy homo.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAR1VA.RI.

[JANUARY 10, 1917.

WHAT DID MR. ASQUITH DO?

A FAMOUS story tells how a heckler
once broke up a Liberal meeting by
asking with raucous iteration, " What
did Mr. GLADSTONE say in 1878?" or
whatever year it was. Nobody knew,
and neither did the inquirer himself,
but uproar followed and his end was
achieved. Now had the question run,
" What did Mr. GLADSTONE do?" how
different a result! For Mr. GLAD-
STONE, apart from any trifles of states-
manship or legislation, did two price- 1
less things, as I will show.

Although, writes the Returned
Traveller who hi our last number
was so unhappy about the deterior-
ation that has come upon taxi-
drivers, I left England only in Oct-
ober last, I find it a changed place :
but no change, not even the iniquit-
ous prices demanded by London's
restaurateurs, or the increased dark-
ness, or the queer division of hors
d'ceuvrcs into half-courses and whole-
courses (providing an answer at
last to the pathetic query, "What is
a sardine ?" "A whole course, of
course ") no change is so striking
as the fact that when a paper now
refers to the PBIME MINISTER or the
PREMIER, it means no longer HER-
BERT HENRY but DAVID. In a world
of flux and mutability I had come
to think of Mr. ASQUITH as a rock,
a pyramid, a pole-star. But, alas !
even he was subject to alteration.

Thinking earnestly upon his career
I have realised how sad it cs that
he has bequeathed us no ASQUITH
legend. Always reserved and intent,
he discouraged Press gossip to such
a degree as actually to have turned
the key on the Tenth Muse. Every-
body else might lunch at the hospit-
able board in Downing Street, hut
interviewers had no chance. In vain
did the Quexes of this frivolous city
hope for even a crumb there was
nothing for them. Mr. ASQUITH
came into office, held it, and left it

aided genius; the other the result of
collaboration with his wife.

Let us begin with the individual
triumph.

Everyone who has ever stayed under
anyone else's roof, from a dine-and-
sleep at Windsor Castle to a week in

the great Liberal statesman, the pro-
moter of Home Rule, the author of
The Impregnable Rock of Holt/ Scripture,
leaping upon the bath-towel that held
his sponge. But no historical painter
could do justice to such a scene. It
needs the movies.

lovely Lucerne, has been confronted,) Those of us then who dry our sponges
when packing-up time arrived, with the \ in this way and I am a fervent devotee
problem of the sponge. No matter owe the inventor a meed of praise.
how muscular the fingers that wring | And equally those of us who put into

this article, no matter how thick and ' our hot water bottles at night hot tea

costly

rubbered receptacle that

j instead of hot water (as 1 never have
done and never mean to do), so
liuit, waking in the small hours,
we may yet not be without refresh-
ment, owe a meed of praise to the
same inspired innovator, for, if the
chroniclers are correct, it was Mrs.
GIADSTONIO'S habit to retire to rest
with a bottle thus nutritiously filled,
which would be ready for her great
man on his return from the House
weary and athirst.

Here we see the difference be-
tween Liberal Premiers. For what
lias Mr. ASQUITH done towards the
solution of domestic problems ? W ho
can name a thing ? Has he devised

i a collar stud that cannot be lost?

j Has he hit upon a way instantly to
stop a shaving cut from bleeding?
lias he contrived a taxi window
that will open when shut or shut
when open? No. In all these years
he lias spared no time for any in-
ventions.

No wonder then that he was found
wanting and forced to resign.

Mistress (from upper window). " WHATEVKU AIM-;
YOU DOING OCT-OF-DOORS AT THIS TIME OF NIGHT,
JAXE?"

Romantic Maid. " ONLY THROWING A IJ:NV
CIIUMBS TO THE OWLS, MA'AM."

without a single concession to Demos's
love of personalia. He did not even
wear comic collars or white hats or a
single eyeglass or any other grotesquely
significant thing; and how much poorer
are we in consequence and how much
poorer will posterity be !

Contrast the case of Mr. GLADSTONE,
from whom anyone could draw a post-
card and most people a chip of some
recently-felled tree, and who is in my
mind wonderful and supreme by rea-
son of two inventions which, though
no one would ever guess them to be
the result of a Prime Minister's cogi-
tations, deserve the widest fame. Of
these one was the product of his un-

holds it, there is always the chance of
dampness communicating itself to other

thins

;s in the bag.

Isn't there ?

How so to squeeze the sponge as to
drive out the last drop of moisture was
the problem before the massive intellect
of the Grand Old Man. Need I say
that he solved it ? His method, as he
himself in his unselfish way, told one
of the diarists, possibly Sir M. E. GRANT-
DUFF, possibly Mr. G. W. E. RUSSELL
I forget whom was to wrap up the
sponge in a bath-towel and jump on it.
Here, for the historical painter, is a
theme indeed something worth all the
ordinary dull occasions which provoke
his talented if somewhat staid brush :

A Soot among the Cynics.

The railway fares are being raised, wo
are told, to stop pleasure travelling, but
it cau hardly be imagined that a muuitiou
worker going home to spend his \\eok-end
with hU family is bent on pleasure."

(ilanyaif Kceniiiij .\cirx.

Ik-aulii'ul set of eivii; cat; very large
stole and muff ; accept .t;l-2.''- -Thr Lady.

As DICK WHITTINCTON'S mascot is
the only civic cat known to history
we think the relic should be se-

cured for the Guildhall Museum.

Simply us a ciu/.cn and as a non-party
mail, I want to say that Mr. AsquitU has my
affection and respect and that is the highest
guerdon that any statesman ean have."
F.j-t, -act from Letter in Yorksliirc Papa:

We know now why Mr. ASQUITU re-
fused a peerage. He did not want to
vox his modest admirer.

' : At Caxtoii Hall the conference was re-
sumed of municipal authorities interested in
the conversation of old fruit, sardine and
SAlmon tins." Ij'mnintjham Daily MaiL

We ourselves always listen with plea-
sure to their talk. It has at once a
fruity and a fishy flavour.

JANI.-AKY 10, i!M7.]

PUNCH, 01! TI1K LONDON' CHARIVARI.

J'J

WARS OF THE PAST.

(As recorded in lite Press of the period.)

VI.

From " Tlia At! tens Advertiser and

us Post."

MACEDONIA'S ARMY.

Tun FAMOUS PHALANX.

(By our Military Expert.)

THE Macedonian Aruiy lias recently
undergone an on tiro reconstruction at
the hands of KINO PHILIP. It is now
organised on a national and territorial
basis and is divided into infantry and
cavalry. The cavalry predominates aud
is therefore the stronger arm. The unit
of cavalry is the squadron, of infantry
the battalion. (It is of the utmost
interest to note that there aro two
battalions in a regiment, each about
lift cen hundred strong).

KING PHILIP, it will be remembered,
received his military education in tlio
school of EPAMINONDAS, who, as is
well known, revolutionised the Higher
Thought of every Higher Comu'und
by the discovery and application of a
single tactical fact namely, that the
chances of A being able to give B a
stronger push than 13 can give him are
in direct ratio to the numerical stiperi-
nritij of A over B. It follows, then,
that, faced with a sufficient superiority,
B must retire, and the initiative then
ml a ifitk the side that possesses it.

In pursuance of this tactical ideal
KPAMINONDAS argued that the old
method of winning battles, which was
that A should exercise superior force
against every point of B's line (or
body), required that A should be bigger
than 13, buskin for buskin and brisket
for brisket. But since it is sufliciont,
\vhilo " refusing " the rest of one's own
body (or line), to bring an overwhelm-
ing force to boar on the point of a
person's jaw, in order to discomfit
him, so in a battle a numerically in-
ferior A, by concentrating on a vital
point of numerically superior B, can
gain a local numerical superiority
which will enable him to rout 13
utterly. (This is always supposing
that B is not doing the same thing
himself on the other wing, in which
case each army would miss the other
altogether a condition of things into
which the military art does not care
to follow them).

Hence the phalanx or "preponderat-
ing mass format ion." The Macedonian
development of this depends (to reduce
the matter to the simple algebraical
formula to which all military problems
are susceptible) on the fact that if x
equals the greatest efficiency of an
army, and the rooted square of stability
to the wth rank equals the phalanx,

Gentleman (in favour uf national work for eceryoiu). '-AND WHY SHOULDN'T FCOPLB

BE DO1XG TO-DAY WHAT THEY KEVEB DBEAMED Of DOING BEFOBE THE WAR?"

Kew Assistant (his first operation). " EXACTLY, Bin. ALL THE SAME, IF ANYBODY

HAD TOLD H13 TWO DAYS AGO THAT I SHOULD KOW BE CUTTING THE HAIB OP A COM-
PLETE STRAXGRB, I'D NEYEB HAVE BELIEVED 'IM."

then the rooted square of stability to
the ?ith rank equals x minus the tan-
gential curve of velocity of mobility.
This should be plain even to the amateur
student of tactics. Bleuding almost a
military expert's appreciation of this
cardinal doctrine with his natural
selfishness as a leader of cavalry,
Pinr.ir has given to this, the mobile
arm, much of the striking power of
the original phalanx. This is now
placed in the centre, its business being
mainly to force a salient in the enemy's
line, the two resultant enclaves of
which can then be shattered (at their
re-entrants) by the cavalry squadrons,
hurled forward on both phalanks. It
should be noted, as a brilliant example
of PHILIP'S staff work, that in the

Macedonian Army, for the avoidance of
confusion in the field, "phalanks" is
now spelt " flanks."

To the intelligent student who has
followed me thus far in these articles
it should not be necessary to explain
again the terms "enclave," "salient,"
and " re-entrant." " Tactical " is a
term used when one is not using the
term " strategical," and rice i-crsd.

" In the words of Bacon, it should be ' read,
marked, learned aud inwardly digested.' "
Financial Paper.

Our gay contemporary does not tell us
whether it was before or after com-
pleting the works usually attributed
to SHAKSPEARB that BACON compiled
the Book of Common Prayer.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANUARY 10. 1917.

THE FLAPPER.

[Dr. AIITHUB SHADWELL, in tho January Nineteenth Century, in
his article on " Ordeal by Fire," after denouncing idlers and loafers
and shirkers, falls foul " above all " of tho young girls called flappers,
"with high heels, skirts up to their knees and blouses open to the
diaphragm, painted, powdered, self-conscious, ogling: 'Allus adal-
lackod and dizened oot and a 'unting arter the men.' "]

GOOD Dr. ARTHUR SHADWELL, who lends lustre to a name
Which DKYDEN in his satires oft endeavoured to defame,
Has lately been discussing in a high-class magazine
Tho trials that confront us in the year Nineteen Seventeen.

He is not a smooth-tongued prophet ; no, he takes a serious

view ;
Wo must make tremendous efforts if we're going to win

through ;

And though he 's not unhopeful of the issue of the fray
He finds abundant causes for misgiving and dismay.

Our optimistic journals his exasperation fire,
And the idlers and the loafers stimulate his righteous ire ;
But it is the flapper chiefly that in his gizzard sticks,
And he 's down upon her failings like a waggon-load of
bricks.

She 's ubiquitous in theatres, in rail and 'bus and tram,
She wears her " blouses open down to the diaphragm,"
And, instead of realising what our men are fighting for,
She 's an orgiastic nuisance who in fact enjoys the War.

It 's a strenuous indictment of our petticoated youth
And contains a large substratum of unpalatable truth ;
Our women have been splendid, but the Sun himself has

specks,
And the flapper can't be reckoned as a credit to her sex.

Still it needs to be remembered, to extenuate her crimes,
That these flappers have not always had the very best of

times ;
And the life that now she 's leading, with no Mentors to

restrain,
Is decidedly unhinging to an undeveloped brain.

Then again we only see her when she 's out for play or

meals,

And distresses the fastidious by her gestures and her squeals,
But she is not always idle or a decorative drone,

And if she wastes her wages, well, she wastes what is her

own.

Still to say that she 's heroic, as some scribes of late have

said,

Is unkind as well as foolish, for it only swells her head ;
She oughtn't to be flattered, she requires to be repressed,
Or she "11 grow into a portent and a peril and a pest.

Dr. SHADWELL to the PREMIER makes an eloquent appeal
In firm and drastic fashion" with this element to deal ;
And 'twould bo a real feather in bur gifted Cambrian's cap
If he taught the peccant flapper less flamboyantly to flap.

But, in Punch's way of thinking, 'tis for women, kind and

wise,

These neglected scattered units to enrol and mobilize,
Their vagabond activities to curb and concentrate,
And turn the skittish hoyden to a servant of the State.

She 's young ; her eyes are dazzled by the glamour of the

streets ;

She has to learn that life is not all cinemas and sweets ;
But given wholesome guidance she may rise to self-control
And earn the right of entry on the Nation's golden Boll.

THE ONLY STEGGLES.

Stegglos is my groom, and my crowning mercy. But for
his deafness I am sure he would long since have left the
humble rank of gunner far beneath him, and the Staff might
have gained a brilliant strategist. In addition to dulncss of
hearing, Steggles is endowed I should indeed bo ungrateful
to use the word afflicted with a vacuity of expression
which puts rivals or antagonists off their guard, and doubles
his value during the vicissitudes of active service. What
would be handicaps to ordinary men Steggles turns to tho
advantage of himself, Sapphira my mare, and me.

When on the march the Battery arrives at the morass
allotted to it for horse lines, I know that all will be well
with the mud - bespattered Sapphira. Steggles leaps from
the waggon whereon, in company with one of the cooks, he
tours the pleasant land of France, and receives the mare.
With his toes strangely pointed out, he leads her away
from tho scene of labour and language, disappearing
amidst the hovels of the adjacent village. Often I never
see him or obtain news of him till next morning, when
he produces Sapphira polished like a silk hafc and every
scrap of metal about her sparkling. Occasionally I have
tracked him to the shelter where he secretes and waits
upon Sapphira, always to find that ho has discovered
and occupied the best stable in the village. The grooms
of my brother-officers never learn that Steggles' vacuous
expression is the disguise of an intellect subtle, discrim-
inating and alert, so they never trouble to endeavour to
forestall him. To find Sapphira is to find Steggles, as lie
always likes to spread his blanket where she could tread
on him if she wanted anything during the night.

From time to time he chooses the occasion of a night's
halt on the march to indulge in a bilious attack ; but lie
has no other vice except an inveterate reluctance to leave
off polishing my boots when I mount. No matter how
Sapphira may prance and back and sidle, he follows her
round and round with a remnant of a shirt, rubbing mud-
spots off my boots in the stirrup. It is quite useless to
bellow, " That will do, Steggles ! " his ideal is the un-
attainable perfection, and he persists. I have to escape
by giving Sapphira the spur at the risk of knocking
Steggles into the mud, or be late in turning out.

He never gives anything, even his own performances,
unqualified praise ; in fact it is extremely hard to win
from him any encomium higher than " It 's not too bad."
Perhaps there is Scotch blood in his veins.

I very much want to recommend him for some decor-
ation, but the organization likely to appreciate the most
gallant of his deeds has not yet been formed the
S.P.G.P., or Society for the Preservation of Government
Property.

Steggles was once riding behind me down a valley
liberally dimpled with shell-holes, further dimples being in
process of fprmation as wo rode. I was returning from
an O Pip, or Observation Post, and Stegglos was carrying
a pair of my boots with a rolled puttee stuffed into
each. Suddenly I was aware that he had wheeled his horse
about, and was trotting back towards the most dimply area
of the valley. Out of regard for his family, I cantered after
him. He broke into a gallop. When, after a thrilling ride,
I caught him and had a little talk amongst the dimples, it
appeared that he had dropped one of the puttees, and
wished to return and look for it. This incident will, I
think, demonstrate the exceptional character of the man,
who did not appear to regard himself as a hero, or to
pose as a desperate farce /r, or to aspire to the post of
Q.M.S., though, incredible as it may seem, the puttee in
question was of the variety G.S.

JA.NTAUY 10, 1917.]

IM'.MMf. Oil TIIK LONDOX CHARIVARI.

Orderly Officer. "WHY DON'T TOO CHALLENGE ME?"

Latest calkd-up Recruit. "I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WEBB COMING."

Orderly Officer. "WHAT DID THE CORPORAL SAY WHEN HE POSTED TOO?"

Recruit. "I WOULDN'T LIKE TO BEI-KAT rr TO AH OFFICER, SIB."

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

(By Mr. Punch's Sta/ of Learned Clerks.)

To those who would learn what soldiering is like in the
armies of democratic France I would heartily commend
two hooks recently published by Messrs. ALLEN AND UNWIN,
Battles and Bivouacs, by JACQUES UOUJON, and The Diary
of a French Private, by GASTON Riou. M. ROUJON, infantry-
man of the lino, was in private life a journalist on Le
Figaro ; M. Riou, Red Cross orderly, a liberal lay- theologian
and writer of European reputation. The former's trans-
literator ("Munitions are distiibuted around," writes he
undismayed ; and has also discovered a territory known as
" Oriental Prussia") obtrudes a little between author and
reader. M. Riou fares better ; but both contrive to give a
really vivid impression of the horrors and anxieties of the
early days of the War before the tide turned at the Marne, of
the flying rumours so far from the actual truth, of the fine
spirit of camaraderie in common danger, of the intimate
relations between officers and men, details, terrible or trivial,
of campaigning, and, because our spirited brothers-in-arms
are not ashamed to express their innermost feelings, of
the deeper emotions at work under the surface gaieties.
M. Riou's narrative is mainly the record of his year's
captivity in a Bavarian fort. On his way he faced the
fanatical hatred and cruelty of the German civilians, of the
women especially, with a cynical fortitude. The com-
mandant of his prison, Baron von STENGEL, was, however,

a gentleman and a brick, and did everything in his power
to make the difficult life bearable. An episode pleasant to
recall is the reception of the Russian prisoners (intended by
their captors to cause dissensions) by their French comrades
in misfortune. The whole record gives an impression of
fine courage and resourcefulness.

Very probably you are already acquainted with that restful
and admirable book, Father Payne (SMITH, ELDER), of which
a new edition has just now been published. The point of
this new edition is that, in its special Preface, the genesis
and authorship of the book are assigned, for the first time
on this side the Atlantic, to Mr. A. C. BENSON. And the
point of the new preface is that it entirely gives away
the original edition (also printed hero), in which the secret
was elaborately concealed. My wonder is, reading the book
with this added knowledge, that anyone can have at any
time failed to detect in it the gently persuasive hand of tha
Master of Magdalene, Cambridge. You remember, no
doubt, how Father Payne (a courtesy title), having had a
small estate left to him, proceeded to turn it into the home
of a secular community for young men desirous of pursuing
the literary gift, and how he financed, encouraged and
generally supervised them. Leisure, an exquisite setting,
and the society of enthusiastic and personally-selected
youth one might call the book perhaps a Tutor's Dream
of the Millennium. Anyhow, Father Payne, as shown in
this volume, which is practically a record of his table-talk

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANUARY 10, 1917.

upon a great variety of themes, is exactly the gentle, shrewd
and idealistic philosopher whom (knowing his parentage)
one would expect. Bensonians (of the A. C. pattern) will
certainly be glad to have what must surely have been their
suspicions confirmed, and to admit Father Payne to the
shelves of authenticity.

Miss DOROTHEA CONYEUS has long ere this established
herself as a specialist of repute in Irish sporting tales.
You will need but one look at the picture wrapper of The
Financing of Fiona (ALLEN) to see that a repetition of the
same agreeable mixture awaits you within. Fiona was a
charming young woman (Irish, of course) with a rich uncle
and a poor, very unattractive cousin, who loved her for her
expectations. As Fiona had no conception about money
beyond the spending of it, the uncle made a will, whose
object was that she should have plenty. The suitor, how-
ever, knowing of this, and being a naughty, rather improb-
able person, destroyed part of it, with the result that Fiona
was apparently left only
the ancestral home and no
cash to keep it up. So she
was forced to take in gentle-
man boarders for the hunt-
ing, and (for propriety's
sake) to invent a mythical
chaperon, who lived above
stairs. And, after all, she
needn't have done any such
thing, because the rich
uncle, in leaving her all
the contents of the man-
sion, had foolishly forgotten
to mention a secret drawer
full of Canadian securities.
As for the villain, I really
hardly dare tell you the
impossibly silly way in
which he allowed himself
to be caught out. But of
course all this melodrama
is not what matters. The
important thing about Miss
CONYERS' people is that
(whatever their private wor-
ries) a-hunting they will go ;
and Fiona, financed by her
paving guests, shows in
thi"s
For

Skookum Creek, where ho grows tomatoes and studies
Indians, he meets his Cinderella, with the result that his
life has to be completely rearranged. A commonplace tale,
but there is a rare and distinct flavour about the telling of
it. Mr. NIVEN'S manner has indeed a very particular
charm, over which one would take an even keener pleasure
in lingering if only he himself lingered a little less over
his story.

sion ;

The Motlur (overhauling little Tommy's wardrobe). "On, CHARLES,

JUST SEE \MJUT THAT DREADFUL CHILD HAS BEEN CARRYING ABOUT
IN HIS POCKET ! A REAL CARTRIDGE WITH A BULLET IN IT. HE
MIGHT HAVE BEEN BLOWN TO BITS ! "

The Father (with a glowing consciousness of assisting his country at a
critical time). " JUST PUT IT IN A COOL PLACE FOR TO-NIGHT, MY

DEAR, AND I WILL LEAVE IT AT THE WAR OFFICE TO-MORROW
MY WAY TO BUSINESS."

I hardly think that Madame ALBANESI has chosen quite
the most appropriate name for the story that she calls
Hearts and Sweethearts (HUTCHINSON). Personally, I fancy
that Suits and Lawsuits would have come nearer the mark ;
because, though there is a certain proportion of love-making
in the tale, there is considerably more about going to law.
One difficulty with which I fancy the writer had to con-
tend is due to the fact that her hero and heroine are (in a
sense) the opposing protagonists in a case of disputed succes-
Jemima Frant being engaged in the attempt to turn
out Sir John Norminster
from his estates and esta-
blish the claim to them
of her dead sister's child.
Naturally, therefore, till this
is settled their opportunities
for the tender passion arc,
to put it very gently, re-
stricted. But of course
well, a novel with such a
title is hardly likely to leave
anybody of importance un-
married at the final page.
Before this is turned, you
have some pleasant comedy
of London in war-time, and
meet a number of agreeably
sketched persons, whose
conversation may amuse
you, or, on the other hand,
may cause you to wish
them a little less discursive.
Madame ALBANESI indeed
impressed me as having
occasionally turned her sub-
ordinate characters loose
into a chapter, with in-
structions to fill it up
anyhow, while she herself
But the law was always

respect as capital sport as any of her predecessors. | thought out the next move.

the rest, I can hardly say with honesty that the story leisurely, so this characteristic might perhaps be expected
is equal to its author's best form.

What I like particularly about Mr. FREDERICK NIVEN is
the friendly way in which he contrives to make his readers
and himself into a family party. " We must," he writes
at the beginning of a chapter in Cinderella of Skookum
Creek (NASH), " get a move on with the story, in case you
become more tired of Archer's compound fracture than he
was himself." This is by no means the only occasion on
which he shows his thoughtfulness for us, and I think it
very kind and nice of him. At the same time I will
ungraciously admit that the weak point of his story is
that it does not move quite fast enough. Admirable artist
in psychology and atmosphere, his plot, if you can call it a
plot, is very slight. Cyrus Archer, the young American of
the compound fracture (who had my sympathy from the
start because he could never remember dates), goes out
into the back of beyond for a spell before settling down to
married life and a place in his father's business, and at

in a story so much concerned with it.

Handel in War-Time.

"The anthem 'OTnou that tillost' (Messiah), will be rendered. "-

Dublin Keening Mail.

No pains are being spared to promote agriculture in Ireland.

" The rivet in many places has overflown its banks."

Henley Newspaper.

Even Father Thames cannot resist the modern mania for
aviation.

Extract from a review of Dr. JOHN FITZPATHICK'S " Tit is
Realm, This England " :

"From a Scotsman, we deprecate the definition of ' This Realm '
as ' England,' and would suggest to the learned doctor that he would
have done nothing derogatory to himself, even in the eyes of English-
men, if he had used the really correct and comprehensive name
Britain." Scots Pictorial.

SiiAKsrEARE (ghost of), please note.

JANUARY 17, 1917.]

PUNCH, Oil THE LONDON OIIAUIVAUI.

CHARIVARIA.

"TiME to deal fiually with Tino,"
announced an evening paper lust week,
thereby doing a great deal to allay a
disquieting impression that the mutter
was to be left to eternity.

y;. :';.
*

" KING CONSTANTINK," says the Ber-
liner Tafjeblatt, " has as much right to
he heard as a common criminal." \Vo
agree, though few of his friends have
put it quite so bluntly.

The Jjokatanteigtf devotes three
columns of a recent issue to the ad-
vantages of the British blockade as
a compulsory reliner of the German
figure. A still more desirable feature
of it, which the Lvkalanzeiger omits
to draw attention to, is its efficacy in
reducing the Gorman swelled
head. i: &

We know of no finer example
of the humility of true great-
ness than the KAISER'S decision

to allow the War to continue.

# .*

A Berlin newspaper says
that after the coronation of
the Esii'EBOU K.vnij at Buda-
pest one of the jewels was
missed from the Crown. For-
tunately for the relations be-
tween the two Empires, the
German CROWN PBINCE is in
a position to prove an alibi.

To facilitate the delivery of
milk, a certain Dairymen's
Association has suggested to
the Food Controller that they
should have recourse to a pool. In
most districts, however, recourse will
be had as usual to the pump.

* *

Lord BHONNDA'S appeal to the public
to keep tame rabbits has been enthusi-
astically taken up by all the smart
people, and enterprising maisans are
already offering driving coats, sleeping
baskets and silk pyjamas for the little
pets at prices ranging from two guineas
upwards. $ %

The tallest giraffe in the world has
just died at the Zoo. The animal came
from Kordofan, where, Mr. POCOCK tells
us, all the really tall ones have been
told. ,. .

It is reported that General VON Biss-
INO is retiring from Belgium as his
health shows no signs of improvement.
The blood baths he has been taking

have not afforded the expected relief.

* *

It was stated at a London Tribunal

[that the War Office has just given a
contract for 2,400 waste-paper baskets.
If further evidence was required of our
unshakable determination to carry the
War to a successful conclusion, it is
surely provided by this indication of
the extent to which the public are
helping the War Office with sugges-
tions as to how to win it.

Attention has been called to the
waste of time and money involved in
the calling of grand juries where there
are only one or t\vo trifling cases to
be tried, and it is suggested that they
might be able to combine their juri-
dical functions with some useful em-
ployment. A correspondent who signs
himself " Lifer " points out to us that
the grand jurymen he has mot are
just the men the nation needs for the

j Men's wear, it is reported, will be

twonty-fivo per cent, dearer this year

than last, but a good example in

' economy is rumoured to have been set

1 by a well-known actor manager, who

' now only wears a crease in one leg of

his trousers. ,. *

A burglar who broke into a Man-
chester wine stores made off with a
large sum of money, but none of the
wine was taken. This once again proves
that total abstinence is absolutely

essential to business success.
* *

Consternation has been caused
among tho pessimists (who have de-
clared that this will be a long War)
: by the recent statement of M. Louis
BAHOUBDIN, the French scientist, that
in five thousand years the world will be
uninhabited. <; <-

A solicitor has beeu arrested
in Ireland under the Defence
of the Realm Act for refusing
to give away the confidential
correspondence of his client.
The suggestion that a lawyer
should be required to give
away anything has aroused a
storm of indignant protest in
both branches of tho pro-
fession.

Lady (who lias been damaged by motor-car). "I SEZ TO THE

BHOVEB, I 8KZ, ' YOU MAY *AVE AH ENGLISH MUCH, CUT
YOUR CONDDCK'8 ToOTON.' "

"ARGENTINE MEAT SHIPMKSTS.

Tho only shipment of mutton to
the Continent during tho week wa
18,000 quarters of beef to Franco."
Slftffield Daily Telegraph.

Even the oxen in neutral coun-
tries are feeling a little sheepish

Tribunals if the combing-out process

is to be effectual. :; . t

1 *

A man who was to have appeared
before the Law Society Tribunal ex-
cused himself on the ground that ho
was suffering from melancholia, and
regret was expressed by the military
representative that he should have
been misinformed as to the nature of
the entertainment.

* X:

The admission of a Stuttgart pro-
fessor that trousers are a German
invention has given the liveliest satis-
faction to our Highland regiments, who
have long had an intuitive feeling that
the Hun was guilty of even blacker
crimes than those of which we had
been officially informed.

A "Longer Course for Cadets" is
announced by a morning paper. The
Food Controller is to be asked to make
public his reasons for this obviously
unfair discrimination between soldiers.

"A large section of the city will find
its water supply rather intermittent in conse-
quence of a burst of tho Kivingtoii water main
at Twig -lane, Huyton, near Prescot. The
main has an internal diameter of forty-four
miles." Liverpool Paper.

What an awful bore !

" SEVENTEEN- YEAR LOCUSTS TO APPEAR

NEXT SUMMEB.

State Colloo, Pa, Deo. 11. The 17-yearg
Igocgugsgt is due to appear agagiugg gnext
summer, according to 0. H. Hadley, Jr., an
entpmo-lcgeggggbmn TTMMggggob rr . . j Eas
legist at the Pennsylvania State College."
Erie Daily jfinies.

The news has had a decidedly discom-
posing effect already.

" A gamble with death in the Strand seeing
that the stake is precisely the same should be
quite as enthralling as a hairbreadth 'scape on
the plains of Texas, even though tho gambler
wears a top-hat instead of sheepskin trousers."
Manchester Guardian.

The writer understates the case. The
substitution of a top-hat for trousers
would add a piquancy of its own to the
situation.

VOL. cur.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANUARY 17, 1917.

FAITH AND DOUBT IN THE FATHERLAND.

NEWS of triumph, very cheering,

Fills our marrows full of sap,
News of FALKENHAYN careering

Bight across Eouniania's map,

Tales of corn to swell our tummies, tales of golden
oil to tap.

Everywhere \ve go victorious

Over earth and on the blue ;
More and more superhly glorious

Eing the deeds we dare and do,
Till they sound almost too splendid to be absolutely
true.

Here and there, indeed, a sceptic
Mutters language rather rude ;
Here and there a wan dyspeptic,

Yielding to a peevish mood,

Wonders why a winning nation finds itself so short
of food.

When carillons rock the steeple

And the bunting 's ordered out,
I have noticed several people

Ask themselves in honest doubt
Why the War-Lord's lifted finger fails to bring a
peace about.

Yet, though England, crushed and quailing,

Kicks his dove-bird down the stair,
I shall trust, with faith unfailing,
In my KAISER'S conquering air
(Still I blame no man for thinking there must be
a catch somewhere). O. S.

RECOGNITION.

" Francesca," I said, " have you seen it? "

"It? What?"

" The announcement."

" What announcement ? "

" I have been gazetted," I said.

" Did it hurt much ? " she said. " Or were you able to
bear it without a murmur? "

" It 's in The Times," I said, " and you shall read it,
whether .you like it or not. It 's in the place where I 'in
pointing my finger. There do you see it? "

" If you'd only take your finger away I might be able to.
Thanks. My hat ! isn't it exciting ? ' To be 2nd Lieu-
tenant (tempy.) 1st Battalion, Blankshire Regiment of
Volunteers So it 's come at last, has it? "

" Yes," I said, " it 's come at last. They 've recognised us."

" Well," she said, " it was about time, wasn't it ? Here
you 've all been form-fouring and two deeping and route-
marching for two years or so, and looking highly military
in your grey-green uniforms, while the authorities stood by
and persuaded themselves you didn't exist ; and at last
somebody comes along "

"It was Lord FRENCH who came along "

" Yes," she said, " Lord FRENCH comes along on a fine cold
Sunday morning and says to himself, 'Here are several
hundred thousand men who are panting to make themselves
useful. Let 's recognise them,' and from that-moment you
actually begin to exist. And then they bring down your grey
hairs with sorrow into the Gazette, and, instead of being
a Platoon Commander, you become a 2nd Lieutenant."

" ' Tempy,' " I said ; " don't forget the ' tempy.' "

" I won "t," she said. " What does it mean ? It sounds
vrv irritable."

" It does," I said ; " but as a matter of fact it 's go*
nothing to do witli my temper. It means temporary."

" Anyhow it 's a diilicult word to pronounce in four sylla-
bles. 1 shall do it in two."

" No, Francesca, you shall not. As the holder of His
Majesty's Commission I cannot allow you to go about the
country saying tempy when you mean tem-po-ra-ry."

" But why do they put in the word at all ? "

" It 's the War OHice way of announcing that we 're not
to expect our new-horn joys to last for ever."

" To the end of the War is long enough for most people
at the present rate."

" Do not let us peer too anxiously into the dim and
distant future. Let us be satisfied with such a present as
fate has assigned to us in making me a 2nd Lieutenant
temporary, with all the privileges that the words imply."

" Eight," she said. " I 'in going to wire to your brother
Fred to come and stay here."

" Do you want him to come and rejoice with us over my
new rank ? "

" No," she said, " not exactly. I want to see how an
elder brother, who is a 2nd Lieutenant temporary of
Volunteers gets on with a younger brother who is a Colonel
permanent in the real Army."

" I do not," I said, " like the word ' real.' There ! s a
disagreeable invidiousness about it, and your mouth, you
being what you are, should be the last to use it."

" You '11 have to salute him, you know."

" Yes," I said, " I certainly shall when I "in in uniform."

" And you '11 have to call him ' Sir.' "

" Nonsense."

" You will," she said, " or you '11 be court-martialled.
And when he comes into a room in which you 're sitting,
you '11 have to jump up and assume a rigid attitude until
he's kind enough to wave his hand. Oh, it will be a real
pleasure to have Fred here now that you've been thoroughly
recognised. If you don't behave to him in a 'proper
military manner you '11 bs reported to Lord FRENCH, and
then you '11 be more tempy than ever. Now that you 're
recognised you must do the thing thoroughly."

" You '11 be sorry for this when I 'm guarding a railway
line night and day."

" No," she said, " I shan't. I shall keep you going with
sandwiches and thermos-flasks." E. C. L.

The Craze for Substitution.

Extract from note written by the Commandant of a
V.A.D. hospital to the Sister-in-charge :

" I have just heard that the Medical Officer will not be able to con: o
this morning. I have ordered the sweep."

"THE COFFEE SPECIALIST

llOASTLD FBES.I DAILY."

Xorth China Daily N i. s.
Yet we dare say the poor fellow meant well.

"In the preliminary examination of patients the author introduces
a test which is new to us ; two or three breaths having been drawn
through the nose, this organ is then punched by the anaesthetist,
whilst the patient holds his breath as long as possible."

The Practitioner.

What the victim of this novel treatment says after recover-
ing his breath is happily withheld from us.

From the Daily Orders of an Australian Battalion :
" MOVES OP OFFICERS.

Tho following Officers have reported their arrival and departed
respectfully."

Discipline in the Imperial contingents is evidently im-
proving.

ITNCH, OH THH LONDON CHARIVARI. -.JANUARY 17. 1917.

THE BANKKUPT BEAYOS.

SCENE : Vienna, between the Sittings of the Conference.

SULTAN. "IT'S TIME WE GOT SOME MORE MONEY OUT OP WILLIAM. HE SEEMS
TO THINK HE'S DOING ALL THE FBIGHTFULNESS. HE FORGETS THAT I'M KNOWN'
AS THE -TERRIBLE TURK.'"

FERDINAND. " YES ; AND THEY CALL ME ' FERDIE THE FEARFUL." "

[The latter title has recently been conferred upon the TSAB of Bulgaria by his subjects in recognition of his continued
absence from -Sofia since the bombing of his palace.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANUARY 17, 1917.

G.O.C. "WELL, tit MAN, WHAT AKE YOU IN CIVIMAN LIFE?"

Dejected Private. " PJIOFESSOU cw GREEK HISTOHY AT ONE OF HIE USIVEIISITIFS, Sin."

THE MINIATURE.

"WHEN I left her, Celia hod two
photographs, a British warm and an
accidental coffee-stain, by which to re-
member me. The coffee-stain was the
purest accident. By her manner of
receiving it, Celia gave ine the impres-
sion that she thought I had done it on
purpose, but it was not so. The coffee-
cup slipped - in - me - 'and - mum, after
which the law 'of gravity stepped in,,
thus robbing what would have been a
polite deed of most of its gallantry.
However, I explained all that at the
time. The fact remains that, in what-
ever way you look at it, I had left my
mark. Celia was not likely to forget
me.

But she was determined to make sure.
No doubt mine is an elusive personality ;
take the mind off it for one moment
and it is gone. So I was to be perpetu-
ated in a miniature.

" Can it be done without a sitting ?"
I asked doubtfully. I was going away
on the morrow.

" Oh, yes. It can he done from the
photographs easily. Of course 1 shall
have to explain your complexion and
so on."

" May I read the letter when you've
explained it?"

" Certainly net," said Celia firmly.

" I only want to make sure that it "s
an explanation and not an apology."

"1 shall probably put it down to a

bicycle accident. Which is that?

No, no," she added hastily, "Kamerad ! "

I put down the revolver and went
on witii my packing. And a day or two
later Gelia began to write about the
miniature.

* => x :t $

The stars represent shells or months,
or anything like that; not promotion.
I cauie back with just the two one
on each sleeve.

We talked of many things, but not
of the miniature. Somehow I had for-
gotten all about it. And then one day
I remembered suddenly.

"The miniature," I said; "did you
get it done ? "

" Yes," said Celia quietly.

" Have you got it here? "

" Yes." '

"Oh, I say, do let me see it."

Colia hesitated.

" I think we had better wait till you
are a little stronger," she said very
gently.

" Is it so very beautiful ? "

" \Voll "

"So beautiful that it almost hurts?
Celia, dear, let me risk it," I pleaded.

She fetched it and gave it to me. I
gazed at it a long time.

" Who is ii;? " I asked at last.

" I don't know, dear."

" Is it like anybody we know ? "

"I think it's meant to be like you,
darling," said Celia tenderly, trying to
break it to me.

I gazed at it again.

" Would you get mo a glass ? " I
asked her.

"A looking-glass, or with brandy
and things in it? "

"Both . . . Thank you. Promise
me I don't look like this."

" You don't," she said soothingly.

" Then why didn't you tell the artist
so and ask him to rub it out and do it
again ? "

Celia sighed.

" He has. The last was his third
rubbige."

Then another thing struck me.

" I thought you weren't going to
have it in uniform ? "

" I didn't at first. But we've been
trying it in different costumes since
to to ease the face a little. It looked
awful in mufti. Like a a "

"Go on," I said, nerving myself to it.

" Like an uneasy choir-boy. I think
I shall send it back again and ask him
'to put it in a surplice."

" Yes, but why should my wife
vlanglo a beneficed member of the
Established Church of England round
her neck? What proud prelate

"Choir-boy, darling. You're think-
ing of bishops."

As it happened my thoughts were
not at all episcopal. On the contrary,
I looked at the miniature again, and I
looked at myself in the glass, and I
said firmly that the thing must go
iback a fourth time.

JANUARY 17, I!) 1 7.]

IM:N<'![. Oil Till-: LONDON CIIARIVA1U.

You can't \vear it. People would
and ask you \vlio it was nnil you
couldn't ((ill them. You'd have, to
!:()) it, loeked up, and what 'b the good
of tliu! '.'"

"I can't write again," said C'eliu.
" Poor man ! Think of tho trouble
lie's had. Besides I 'vo pot jvu hack
now. It was really just to remind me
of you."

" VIM, but I shall frequently he out
to tea. You 'd tatter have it done
properly now."

(Vliii was thoughtful. She he^m
Composing in her mild that, fourth
li'i !<-r . . . . and frowning.

" I know," she cried sudden!} . " Ymi
write tliis time ! "

It was my I ivn to he thoughtful . . . .

" I don't see it. I low do I e,omo in '.'
What is my Incus st(tmli ! Locus
xtniitii," I explained in answer to her
raised eyebrows, " an oath in common
use among our Italian allies, mean-
ing .What do 1 write as? "

" As the owner of the face," said
Celia in surprise.

" Yes, but I can't dilate on my own

"Why not?" said Celia, bubbling.
" You know you 'd love it."

I looked at the miniature and began
to think of possible openings. One
impossible one struck me at orn-e.

"Anyway," I said, "I'll get him to
close my mouth.''

* '. $ * *

Tho stars represent something quite
simple this time my brain at work.

" Celia," I said, " I will write. And
this timo tho miniature shall bo criti-
cised properly. To say, as you no doubt
said, 'This is not like me,' I mean not
like my husband well, you know what
I mean just to condemn it is not
enough. / shall do it differently. I
shall take each feature separately and
dwell upon it. But to do this modestly
I must have a loc-us I am sorry to
have to borrow from our Italian allies
again u'locus standi apart from that
of owner of face. I must also be donor
of miniature. Then I can comment
impartially on the present which I am
preparing for you."

" I .thought you'd see that soon,"
smiled Celia. A. A. II.

FASHIONS IN BOOK-WEAR.

[" 7Jo.se of (ilcncnnnel. A first book by Mrs.
Patrick Muctiill, telling of the adventures in
tho Yukon and elsewhere of Rosalie Moran.
With coloured jacket. Price 5s. net."

Adrt. in" Times Literary Supplement."]

Extract from " Belle's Letters " :
" Other smart books I noticed included
Mrs. BARCLAY'S Sweet Seventy - one.
looking radiantly young and lovely in :\
simple rose-pink frock embellished with

Recruiting Sergeant. "WHAT ARF. YOO FOR?"

IlccrUit. "FOR THE DURATION OF THK WAR, OR LOXGKR IF IT DOESX'l END SOOJJKR.'

rosebuds, and Mr. CHARLES GARVICE'S
Marriaqe. Bells, utterly charming in ivory
satin trimmed with orange blossom.
On another shelf I saw Mr. KIPLING'S
The Horse Marines, looking well in a
smartly-cut navy blue costume with
white facings, and not far away was
Mr. ARNOLD BENNETT'S Straphanger, in
smoked terra-cotta, and the pocket edi-
tion of DICKENS in Mrs. Harris Tweed.
Mr. Britling's new book, Mr. Wells
Sees it Through the Press, was looking
rather dowdy in a ready-made Norfolk
jacket, but Mr. and Mrs. WILLIAMSON'S
The Petrol Peeress was very chic in a

delightfully-cut oil-silk wrap ; and so
was Sir GILBERT PARKER'S This Hook
for Sale, in a purple bolero. Academic
sobriety characterised the gown worn
by the POET LAUREATE'S The Siyits of
liridycs, while Mr. A. C. BENSON'S
Hound My College Dido was conspicu-
ous in a Magdalene blouse with pale-
blue sash."

" This was followed by a banquet in which
Bro. W. S. Williams took a prominent part."
Daily Chronicle (Kingston, Jamaica).

Still, was it quite kind to call attention
toil?

PUNCH, OR TILE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANUAUY 17, 1917..

LETTERS FROM MACEDONIA.

ii.

MY DEAE JERRY, No doubt you think
from the light-hearted tone of my last
letter that life here is a bed of roses.
In reality we have our flies in the
ointment nay, our shirt-buttons in
the soup. The chief of the flies is
artillery, both our own and that of the
people opposite ; and the worst of the
shirt-buttons is jam. It sounds strange,
but it is true.

There was a time in the olden clays
when we welcomed gunner-officers, hut
those days are unhappily past since
we met Major Jones. Learn then the
perfidy of the Major and ex uno disce
omnes.

I had a nice little 'ouse up in the
front line, well hidden by trees. It
wasn't a 7;ouse, Jerry, I wish you to
understand ; it was merely a little 'ouse
standing in its own grounds like, with
a brace or so of chickens and a few
mangel-wurzels a-climbin' round the
place. You know what it 'a like.

Well, Major Jones, who had been my
guest several times in this little 'ouse
of mine, came round a few days ago
with a worried look and an orderly.

" I want you to come and look at my
telephone," he said hurriedly.

" What is it ? Is anything wrong ? "
I asked sympathetically.

" I fear the worst. Something ter-
rible may happen in five minutes," ho
replied darkly.

I gripped his hand silently, and he
returned the pressure with emotion.
In silence we walked the two hundred
yards which lay between my place and
his observation-post, and I watched
while his orderly got busy with the
telephone.

" Is Number One gun ready ? " de-
manded the Major.

It appeared that Number Ono was
itching to he at it.

" Fire 1 " said the Major.

" Fire 1 " said the orderly.

A moment later there was a terrific
explosion.

" Number One fired, Sir," observed
the orderly.

" It is well you told us," I said
sweetly, " otherwise I could never have
believed it."

But the Major heeded me not. lie
was staring over my shoulder.

"Good shot, by Jovel" he yelled.
"A perfect beauty I Holed out in
one I "

I turned to see what had caused his
sudden joy. But where was my little
"ouso? Had it suddenly turned into
that nasty cloud of dust? Even as I
looked my water-bucket readied the
ground again.

"Awfully sorry, old man," said the
Major, with a ghastly pretence of sym-
pathy. "You see it was in our way."

I brushed aside his proffered hand
(rather good that, Jerry. Let 's have
it again. I say I brushed aside his
proffered hand), and strode back dis-
mally to what had otice been my home
from home.

Now I live in a little Jug-out beneath
the ground, chickenless and mangel-
wurzelless, awaiting with resignation
the day when the Sappers shall find
that I am in their way and blow mo
up.

Another little game of the gunners is
called " Artillery Duels."

In the good old days, when a man
wanted a scrap with his neighbour, he
put a double charge of powder into his
blunderbuss, crammed in on top of it
two horse-shoes, his latch-key, an old
watch-chain, and a magnet, and then
started on the trail. It was very effec-
tive, but of course some busy-body
" improved " on it. Nowadays our
gunners ring up the enemy's artillery.

" Hallo ! Is that you, strafe you ?
What about an artillery duel, eh ? "

" Oh, what fun 1 " says the enemy.
" Do let 's." And then they start.

" A hearty give - and - take, that 's
what I 'like," remarks a cheery gunner
officer.

A moment later ho rushes to the
telephone.

"Is that you, enemy?" ho asks.
" I say, dash it all, old man, do be
careful ! That last one of yours was
jolly near my favourite gun."

"By Jove, I'm awfully sorry, old
thing," calls back the enemy. " What
about shortening the fuses a bit, eh ? "

"Good idea! Waken up the foot-
sloggers too. They need it sometimes."

Then for fifteen minutes large shells
rebound from the bowed head and
shoulders of tho unfortunate infantry-
man.

Which reminds me of George.

George had a strafe-proof waistcoat
procured by him from a French manu-
facturer. He showed it to us proudly,
and also the advertisement, which
stated that the waistcoat would easily
stop a rifle- bullet, whilst a " 45 " would
simply bounce off it. It was beautiful
but alarming to see. his confidence as
he stood up in a shower of shells, pray-
ing for a chance of showing off the
virtues of his acquisition.

-x * :< ; *

\Vo were very pleased to send to his
hospital address to-day a postcard
bearing the maker's explanation that a
4o revolver bullet, and not a 40 milli-
metre shell, was meant.

As regards the jam question, Jerry,
the fault of the jam is that it is never

jam, but always marmalade. I feel
too sore on the question to write much,
but I may just hint that we have heard
that Brother Bulgar sometimes gets
real strawberry. It is just possible,
therefore, that you may hear of a raid
soon. Yours ever, PETER.

THE CONVERT.

["One striking result of tho War has been
its humanising effect on woman."

Daily Paper.]

THE barbed shaft of Love hath pierced

thy heart,

Fair Annahelle ; distracting is thy lot ;
Long hast thou thought thyself a deal

too smart

To bo ensnared in Cupid's toils eh,
what?

The ways of other maids, less intricate,
Filled thee with pity to the very core ;

Kisses were unhygienic, out of date,
And man a most unutterable bore.

But now with young Lieutenant Smith,

V.C.,
Thou roamest, gazing shyly in his

face ;

Nay, did I not surprise thee after tea
Defying Hygiene in a close embrace ?

Shall I recall that old sartorial jest,
Tho mannish coat which never
seemed to fit,

The bifurcated skirt and all the rest,
Not half so pretty as thy nursing kit ?

Ah no ! Thine happiness I will not vex,

For thou art Worn an once again 1 find;

And Woman, though she cannot change

her sex,

Has always had the right to change
her mind.

The Primrose Path for Flappers.
"WANTED, Two experi. MAKEHS-UP (Fe-
males) ; also a few Girls to learn ; good wages
paid." Evening Paper.

Another Impending Apology.
From an obituary notice :
"In civil life he was employed as an atten-
dant on those inflicted with weak minds. Ho

joined the regiment at Camp and was at

once employed as Colonel 's servant."

liiirma Paper.

"Mars is the name of a star so far off it
would take a million years to walk there in an
express train."

" A miracle is anything that someone docs
that can't be done."

' ' People who have always used tooth -brushes
and who know tho thing to do never use any
but their own."

"The Pagans were a contented race until
the Christians came among 1 them."

Hawaii Educational Review.
If The Review can maintain this form
the consciously comic journals of the
American Empire will have to look
to their laurel*.

JANUAHY 17, iyi7.] PUNfJIf, OK THK LONDON < IIARIVAIIJ. 39

THE RECRUIT WHO TOOK TO IT KINDLY.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

17, 1917.

Super-Coy. "Bor, FATHER, n WE HAVE ALREADY CONQUERED, wur DOES THE \YAB GO ox?"
Super-Man. "Ba SILENT AND BAT YOUR HINDESTBDRO ROCK."

WAR'S SUEPEISE8.
THE TRANSFORMATION OP 'TAY PAT."

Daily Chronicle alludes to a recent
article by Mr. T. P. O'CONNOR, M.P., as "a
frigid survey of the situation."]

THE War has done many astonishing

things ;
It has doubled the traffic in trinkets

and rings ;

It has reconciled us to margarine
And made many fat men healthily lean.
It has answered the critica of Public

Schools
And proved the redemption of family

fools.
It has turned golf links to potato

patches
And made ua less lavish in using

matches.

It has latterly paralysed the jaw
Of the hitherto insuppressiblo SH.VW.
It has made old Tories acclaim LLOYD

GEORGE,
Whose veiy name onco stuck in their

gorge.

It has turned a number of novelists
Into amateur armchair strategists.
It has raised the lowly and humbled

the wise
And forced us in do/ens of ways to

revise

The hasty opinions we formed of our

neighbours
In view of their lives and deaths and

labours.
It has cured many freaks of their futile

hobbies,
It has made us acquainted with female

bobbies.

It has very largely emptied the ranks
Of the valetudinarian cranks,
By turning their minds to larger ques-
tions
Than their own insides or their poor

digestions.
It has changed a First Lord into a

Colonel,

Then into a scribe on a Sunday journal,
With the possible hope, when scribbling

palls,

Of doing his bit at the Music Halls.
It has proved the means of BIIUIELL'S

confounding
And given Lord WIMF.ORNE a chance

of re-bounding.
But quite the most wonderful thing

of all
The things that astonish, amaze or

appal
As though a jelly turned suddenly

rigid,
It has made "TAY PAY" grow suddenly

frigid I

When rivers flow backwards to their

founts

And tailors refuse to send in accounts ;
When some benevolent millionaire
Makes me his sole and untrammelled

heir;

When President WILSON finds no more
Obscurity in " the roots of the War " ;
When Mr. PONSONIJY stops belittling
His country and WELLS abandons

When the Ethiopian changes his hue
To a vivid pink or a Reckitty blue
In fine, when the Earth has lost its

solidity,
Then I shall believe in " TAY PAY'S "

frigidity.

Duration of tha War.

"If the bid does not come early in 19717
the evidences of Germany's clamorous needs
are strangely false." Evening Paper.

Are wo downhearted ? No 1

Extract from Army Orders in the
Field :

" When Sections 3 and 4 have opened rapid
fire, and the bullets have had time to roach
the enemy, but not before, Sections 1 and 2
move up into line with No. 3 and 4."

Aren't the Staff wonderful? They think
of everything.

PUNCH. OK THE LONDON CIIABIVARL JANUARY 17, 1917.

SNOWING HIM UNDER.

A FORECAST OF THE NEW BRITISH WAR LOAN.

PUNCH, OH THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANUAKY 17, 1917.

urchaser. "\VIIAT soui OP i>oa is UK?"
Itog-Fancier. " "Isi, I.IDY? 'E 's A UTTLB TBDIGUEB DAWG, 'B is. AN' THIS is "is

IVl'Ii O' DAWG, BUT ALSO A PEDIGBEE."

ON THE LEAD guiiE AXOTIIUU

PETHERTON AND THE PLURALIST.

"HELIX)!" I said, "a note from
Pethertou. What can my charming
neighbour want now? "

The letter ran as follows :

SIB, I find that George, the young
maB I employ as house-hoy, has be-
coaie friendly with one of your inaids,
and I shall be glad if you wiU co-operate
with me so far as is possible in trying
to prevent their meeting, as I do not
think it desirable that there should
be further communication between
our households than is, unfortunately,
necessary.

I should not have troubled to write
to you had it not teen that George
strongly resented my interference with
his private affairs when I remonstrated
with him just now on the matter.
Servants are so deplorably independent
in these times, and men as useful as
George are so diflicult to obtain, that
I do not care to open the subject with
him again.

The maid of yours in question is the
one who goes out on Wednesday even-
ings. As that is also George's evening
out, perhaps you could arrange to let

this particular maid go out on another
evening instead.

Faithfully yours,

FREDERICK PETHKUTON.

" What confounded sauce ! " I said 1
and replied formally as follows :

DEAR MR. PETHERTON, It must, I
am sure, be most alarming to you to
find that servants of ours are hobnob-
bing and perhaps discussing our affairs.
Unfortunately to make the alteration
you suggest would throw the whole of
our domestic staff out. I know the
maid to whom you refer; she is our
parlour-maid, and you are right in de-
scribing her as " this particular maid."
She is most particular. It is true that
men are hard to obtain for domestic
employment, even ineligibles (and I am
sure yours is that), but maids arc, if
anything, more difficult to find. My
wife had no end of trouble in procuring
this parlour-maid, and she is a treasure
whom we do not wish to lose.

I have been aware for some time
that she is engaged in the pleasurable
occupation of what is known as keep-
ing company with your factotum, hut
thought it wise not to interfere.

It is still in the air, as one might

say, that you are engaged in experi-
mental chemical work for the Govern-
ment, and 1 should have thought, and
hoped, that this would occupy your
mind to the exclusion of such trivial
affairs as servants' love-making.
Yours sincerely,

HGNUV J. FOKDYCE.
Pethertou quickly countered with :
SIB, 1 am sorry that I should have
appealed to you in vuin. It is not
a pleasure to write to you, and it is
positively distasteful to have to read
your absurd letters in reply. I passed
George in the village this evening with
his arm round your parlour - maid's
waist. I was absolutely disgusted, and
must emphatically protest against such
familiarity even among the minor mem-
bers of our households.

Faithfully yours,

FREDEBICK PETHEBTOX.
Joyously I rushed to respond :
DEAK PETHEUTON, Your letters, on
the contrary, are a positive delight to
me. One of the reasons why I should
not like to interfere is the feeling that
it might put an end to our correspond-
ence.

Personally I cannot visualize the

JANUARY 17, 1917.]

riNCJf, OR TJ1B LONDON OHAKIVA1U.

spectacle of similar familiarity between
any of tlio major members of our re-
spective households.

I myself passed your man this even-
ing as I \\iis on my v, ay to tho Vicar-
age, ami at tho moment ho was in mild
dalliance with our housemaid. I say
mild because they were only arm-in-
arm. On my return about an hour
later I passed George; again, and it is
true that this time he was with our
parlour-maid, and had his arm round
her waisl as \ou describe.

There is no doubt that the young
man has a penchant for my slatT, but
so far no Government seciets have
reached my ears, and no details of your
I ,ei -sunal doings, past, present or future.

"Carry on " is the motto of the day,
so why not let well alone '! 'Were you
never a young man ?

Ever yours, UARRY P'OUDYCE.

Petherton was getting very worked-
up, to judge from his reply :

SIR, I disapprove of your levity.
This is a serious matter to mo. On
your own showing George's behaviour
is scandalous, and although I should
scarcely expect yon to look at tho
matter in its proper light I should have
thought that oven you would have in-
terfered now that matters have reached
such a state. Your attitude is in-
tolerable.

I am well able to protect the Gov-
ernment's secrets, and my movements
could bo of little interest even to you,
but I do not think the society of your
maids desirable for a young man like
George. I strongly suspect that they
are having a bad influence over him.
lie is becoming careless in his work.

I accidentally overheard him say, in
conversation with the grocer's man, that
he was to nse his own expression
walking out with a Miss Parsons. Is
this either your parlour-maid or house-
maid ? or is it some third person ?
Yours faithfully,

K PETHEHTOX.

DEAR or.n CHAP (I replied), Thank
you for your cheering letter. 1 hope
neither of us will say or do anything
that would terminate this exchange
of. letters, which is keeping me from
dwelling too much on the War.

Miss I'ursons is our cook, as worthy
a young woman as over riveted ail
apple-dumpling or tossed a custunl.
She would make George an excellent
wife. Don't worry about the parlour-
maid or housemaid. They would, I am
sure, be delighted to be at the wedding.
Yours, HAHRY.

Pctherton's reply was prompt, per-
sonal and to the point :

SIR, Confound you and your entire

_" DIDN'T xxow WOT 'APWNESS WAS TILJ, I GOT JIAIUUED."
" AND NOW YOU'VE 'AD TO X.RAVB IT, KH?"
"WOTCHEB MEAN, LEAVE IT? I 'VE COMB BACH TO IT."

staff! You ought all to be interned, jboth of this parish," though this would
If George ever thinks of leaving me I j not have conveyed to you the appalling

trust it will not bo to marry one of
your household. In the name of de-
cency I must insist on your taking
strong action to end what is a positive
scandal. Faithfully yours,

FREDERICK PKTHERTON.

It was Monday before I replied, then
I wrote :

Dr.Aii FREDDY, Let us mingle our
tears. The worst is about to happen.
If you were as good a churchgoer as
one could wish, you would have been in
your pew yesterday morning, when the
banns were read out (tot the first time
of asking) "between George Goodman,
bachelor, and Emily Parsons,' spinster,

fact that your man is marrying my
entire staff all at onoc. I doubt, how-
ever, if you will be able to find cause
or just impediment, etc.

Yours,

The Temperance Movement in India.

" In the Punjab and Sind it has been pos-
sible to colonise uninhabited wastes, and
nourishing communities, aggregating nearly
two million inhabitants, arc supported entirely
by caual water."

JV>/. ,Srj*LEr Jiiv.v, in " To-day."

" Gnu. Wanted, just leaving school, for
Killing Department. '' JYori/u'iaZ Paper.

Does this mean that we are to have a
flapper in the Cabinet?

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHART VAPJ.

[JANUARY 17. 1917.

THE FOLLOW-UP METHOD.

WHEN you respond to an advertise-
ment offering a booklet or a sample free,
you are pestered by the proprietor of the
commodity advertised with numerous
communications importuning your cus-
tom, until in sheer self-defence you make
a purchase. Now I had occasion to
answer an announcement advertising
for the services of a person with attain-
ments approximating to my own, and I
decided that, in the event of my appli-

rheumatism, chronic dyspepsia, deaf-
ness, dim sight, loss of .memory and
certainly from approaching old age. I
concluded by offering them three days'
free trial (I always do best in the first
three days) ; if I failed to give satisfac-
tion by the end of that period they
could return me without incurring any
obligation whatsoever.

Again two weeks passed away, and
there was still no answer. So I sent
Follow-up Letter No. 3.

In this I announced a Special Offer,

cation attracting no response, I would ; viz., a reduction of twenty pounds ster-
adopt the methods indicated above.
Fur the benefit of others 1 give
below a record of my procedure
and the result.

My first letter detailed my quali-
fications, which were very excep- 1
tional; explained that my intelli-
gence and industry were far above I
the average ; that I was morbidly
conscientious, and willing to sacri- j
fice all my own interests for the
needs of the firm ; that the reason i
for leaving my last position was j
solely a matter of circumstances j
over which I had no control, and '
that at an interview, which I !
craved, I would. explain everything i
to everybody's satisfaction and
prove my perfect eligibility for the
post. And so forth.

I waited a fortnight. There was j
no reply. I therefore despatched
a follow-up letter. I explained my
regret at receiving no response to j
letter No. 1, and suggested that j
perhaps it had been inadvertently ;
overlooked, or had gone astray in
transit. Alternatively I hinted that j
perhaps the firm regarded the list j
of my qualifications as incredibly I
pretentious, and I assured them j
that it in no way exaggerated my
good points. I had indeed become,
if possible, even more conscientious
and industrious since I had last
written, and having recovered from
a cold in the head from which I
was then suffering I was actually

twenty pounds (20) reduction, they
would really be securing mo at thirty
pounds (30) less than my market
price.

I waited patiently for a further four-
teen days, and then sent Follow-up
Letter No. 5.

This letter wasquite brief. It made no
attempt to disguise the fact that I was
hurt at the firm's silence, and it hinted
at enquiries from other employers of
labour whose needs would have to
be considered. It intimated also
that I could not possibly bold myself
at the firm's disposal indefinitely,
and that unless a prompt reply was
received I could not guarantee
acceptance. Jiy way of a crush-
ing suggestion of niggardliness on
tiieir part 1 enclosed a stamped
addressed envelope.

An answer came by return of
post as follows :

PEAR SIR, In reply to your
letter, wo beg to say that the
vacancy to which you refer was
filled some ten (10) weeks ago.
Yours faithfully, etc.

Now I know where I am. With-
out this persistence, which is the
essence of the following-up busi-
ness, I should simply be where I
am without knowing it.

Lady Cynthia (showing wcunded Tommies tlu> an-
cestral portraits). "AND THIS is THE FIBST EARL IN

FULL FIGHTING KIT."

Tommy. "Hr. 's GOT HIS IDENTIFICATION DISO ALL
EIGHT, MA'AM."

Bacchus at the Front.

Extract from a speech by the
KAISER as reported by The Sun
(Ya-ncouver, li.C.):

"The campaign . . . had been con-
ducted according to the brilliant plans
of Field-Marshal von Hindonburg . . .
The old god of bottles directed. Wo were
his instruments and we are proud of it."

"Among some of the best-informed
bankers in the City the view taken in
this respect is one which it may be well
for the public at lar#e to have rero ited
for their own guidance. The now War
Loan, they say, will either bo the last
before the Allies impose on the enemy
their own terms of peace, or it will not."
The Times.

in better physical condition than before.
1 reminded the firm that in granting me
a preliminary interview they incurred
i no liability whatsoever.

Another two weeks went by, and still
no answer. So I despatched Follow-
up Letter No. 2.

This briefly referred to my two
previous communications, and asked
whether it was not clear to them that,
by securing my services while I was in
possession of all my faculties and
the full vigour and strength of my
being, there were advantages they
could not possibly acquire with me
in, say, another thirty years, when
I should probably be suffering from

ling (20) on the salary originally asked
if the firm engaged me within ten
days from the date of the offer.

I gave them twelve days in which to
respond, but still received no answer, so,
after allowing a further two days' grace,
I despatched Follow-up Letter No. 4,
stating that as they had evidently been
prevented from replying to my special
offer 1 had decided to extend the period
for acceptance by fourteen (14) days,
reckoning from the date of the present
communication. At the end of that
period the salary demanded would be
increased by ten pounds (10) over and
above that asked in my first application.
Thus, by. accepting the existing offer of

We had already formed the same opin-
ion, but we are glad to have it con-
firmed on such high authority.

"Barrow magistrates decided that Ideas
must not be sold after the closing hour."

Unfortunately this

Daily Sketch.
will not prevent

the bore from continuing to give you
his gratis.

Demand

" Elderly English Girl wanted as companion
to young lady for afternoon."

Egyptian Gazette.

and supply

"The age limit for Girl Guides was formerly
18 years, but it has now been raised to 81 years
by general request." British Paper.

JANUARY 17, 1917.]

I'l N T CII, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

Helper. " CEBTWSI.S., Wu.b 100 BAT
Helper. " COCOA, THKN, OB BOVEIL?"

Tommy. "SOMETIIIN' TO BHRINK, \v YE I-LAZK, Miss." Helper, " CERTAINLY., Wlr.ii *oo BAVB TEA OB COSTKB?"

Tommy. "Jfr-iTHKB, THANK-YJ:."
Tammy. "No.no. NONE or THEM 1'OB ME, Miss."
'Helper (icith asperity). "Wrxi,, WE'VE uoTKrao KI^SB EXCEIT WATER."
Tommy (earnestly). "AN 1 I DAKEN'T TOUCH THAT. D' IB SBB, ^liss, WKKX MB rATHF.n T,AT nns' Qoa nest HIS sowtl n

BEZ TO UH, 'I'VB GIVEN YE AS IRON OONSirrCTlON, AJiSYWAYj AN 1 LET SB SEE TO IT THAT SB SlVtO TAKJi ANNYT11ISO THAI 'CD
IH'KT IT ON YE.' "

THE QUEST OF KNOWLEDGE.

MH. BLAIR, the L.C.C. Education
Officer, is dissatisfied, according to Th?.
Daily Chronicle, with the questions put
ttt school examinations, on the ground
that they do not test the thoughtful-
DCSS and ingenuity of the pupil. The
" Why " as well as the " What " should
be developed, and to illustrate the value
of the method proposed Mr. BLAIR sug-
gests various sample questions, e.g. :

" How do yon account for the density
of the population in Staffordshire?

" Find out from your atlas the dis-
tance from London to Glasgow. How
long would it take you to go there by
train ? What would the third-class fare
be at a penny a mile ?

" How can wo discover the minimum
conditions necessary for the germina-
tion of a bean '.'

" Ams TOTI.K remarked that- a bee will
visit one type of flower only during

one journey from the hive. Find out fPimnernel ?

if this is true, and., if true, point out
its significance from the point of view
of the flower."

As Mr. BLAIK remarks, a quest is
better than a question. We agree, and
venture to start a few more quests J

"Find out from Who's Wlio the
literary productions of Miss MARIE
COHKLLI and Mr. HALT, CAI.NK, and
trace their effect on the density of the
population of Warwickshire and the
Isle of Man respectively.

" ARISTOTLK remarked that one swal-
low does not mako a summer. Find
out whether this is true, and, if true,
explain its bearing on the thirst of the
s wallow er.

"Find out on your map the distance
from Madrid to Jaffa, and state what
would ho the cost of a cargo of Spanish
onions and Jerusalem artichokes de-
livered in the London Docks.

" What is the minimum time noces-
jsary for the incubation of ;*

What are tbo statutory dimensions
of a gigantic gooseberry ? Have you
ever seen one, and if not why not ? "

Our Youthful Heroes.

" O.Q.M. 8. E. A. , brother of Mr. W. M.

, Kilnn i:ith, spent his third birthday in

the trenches on tho 8th inst."

lioyal Cormcall Gazette.

"One or two of tho Councillors are on war
service, and their places will be kept warm for

them. . . . Councillors and J. R.

have not once been able to Bit siuce they
donned khaki." Soutlicrn Times.

We infer that the Councillors in ques-
tion are training for the cavalry.

"Tho British licet bombaixlcd Skanika and
Scmnntoltos, south of Orfano.
Marshall's 7, Martyn's i. Wakeficld (3), Stor.o
(2), Cripps, and Turbyfield Bcoredfor tho
winners.' ' Gloucestershire Eclut.

1 Wo like this idea of recording the names
'of the successful marksmen at once,
without wuiing for tho formal $
; patches.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHALUVA1U.

[JANUABY 17. 1917.

A DREAM SHIP.

OH I vs'ish I had a clipper ship with carvings on her

counter,

With' lanterns on her poop-rail of beaten copper wrought ;
I would dress her like a lady in the whitest cloth and

mount her
With a long bow-chasing swivel and a gun at every port.

] I would sign rne on a master who had solved MERCATOB'S

riddle,
A nigger cook with earrings who neither chewed nor

drank,

Who wore a red bandanna and was handy on the fiddle,
I would take a piping bos'un and a cabin-boy to spank.

Then some fine Summer morning when the Falmouth cocks

were crowing
I would set my capstan spinning to the chanting of all

hands,
And the milkmaids on the uplands would lament to see me

going
As I beat for open Channel and away to foreign lands,

Singing

Fare ye well, lady mine,
Fare ye well, my pretty one,

For the anchor's at the cat-head and the voyage is begun,
The wind is in the mainsail, we 're slipping from the land
Hull-down with all sail making, closo-hauled with the
white-tops breaking, __

Bound for the Eio Grande.
Fare ye well !

With the flying-fish around us and a porpoise school before

us,
Full crowded under royals to the south'ard we would

sweep ;
We would hear the bull whales blowing and the mermaids

sing in chorus,

And perhaps the white seal mummies hum their chubby
calves to sleep.

We would see the hot towns paddling in the surf of Spanish

waters,
And prowl beneath dim balconies and twang discreet

guitars,

And sigh our adoration to Don Juan's lovely daughters
Till they lifted their mantillas and their dark eyes shone
like stars.

We would cruise by fairy islands where the gaudy parrot

screeches
And the turtle in his soup-tureen floats basking in the

calms ;
We would see the fire-flies winking in the bush above the

beaches

And a moon of honey yellow drifting up behind the
palms.

We would crown ourselves with garlands and tread a frolic

measure
With the nut-brown island beauties in the firelight by

the huts ;
We would give them rum and kisses ; we would hunt for

pirate treasure,

And bombard the apes with pebbles in exchange for
coco-nuts.

When we wearied of our wand'rings 'neath the blazing

Soutlern heaven

And dreamed of Kentish orchards fragrant-scented after
rain,

Of the cream there is in Cornwall and the ciuer brewed in

Devon,
We would crowd our yards with canvas and sweep

foaming home again,

Singittg

Cheerily, O lady mine,
Cheerily, my sweetheart true,
For the blest Blue Peter 's flying and I 'ui rolling home

to you ;

For I 'in tired of Spanish ladies and of tropic afterglows,
Heart-sick for an English Spring-time, all afire for an
English ring-time,

In love with an English rose.
Rolling home !

MISGIVINGS.

WALKING recently by Hyde Park Corner I met a man in
a comic hat. He was an elderly man, very well set up,
marching along like an old officer quite an impressive
figure with his grey moustache and grey hair, had not this
ridiculous affair surmounted him. It was not exactly a
hat, and not exactly a cap, but something between the two,
and it was so minute as to be almost invisible and wholly
absurd. Yet there was every indication that its wearer
believed that it suited him, for he moved botli with
confidence and self-satisfaction.

And as I watched him, and after he had passed, swinging
his stick and surveying the world with the calm assurance
of a connoisseur of most of the branches of life I began
to entertain some very serious and disturbing doubts. For
(thought I) here is quite a capable kind of fellow, of mature
age, making a perfect guy of himself under the profound
conviction that lie is doing just the reverse and that that
pimple of a hat suits him. No doubt, judging by the cut
of his clothes and his general soignd appearance, he stands
before his glass every morning until lie is s.vtisled. Had
he (thought 1) any accuracy of vision he would see himself
the grotesque thing he is in that idiotic little cap. But his
vision is distorted.

It was then that I began to go hot and cold all over, for I
suddenly realised that my vision might be distorted t< o.
My hat hitherto had satisfied me ; but suppose that that
too was all wrong. And then I wondered if anyone really
gets a true return from the mirror, or if we are not all
bemused: and, remembering those astounding hats in which
WINSTON used to be photographed a few years ago, I
asked myself, " Where are we, when even the great legis-
lators can go so wrong? "

Although all this soul-searching occurred several days
ago, I am still nervous, and I never catch sight of my
reflection in a shop window without suspicion racking me ;
while to see a smile on the face of an approaching pedestrian
is agony.

But (you will say) why not ask the hatter or some
intimate friend to select the hat for you? I guessed you
would suggest that. But it won't help; I '11 tell you why.
Some years ago I knew a fat man with a big head a
journalist of great ability who made himself undignified
by perching upon the top of that great and capable head
a little bowler. Its inadequacy had always annoyed
me, but never more so than when, on my arriving at our
.place of servitude one morning (we were on the same
paper) in a new and perfectly becoming hat, he said to
mo, "That hat's all wrong. You should never choose
a hat for yourself. I never do. I get my wife to choose
mine for me." Remembering this I am even more
unsettled than before. I see no hope.

JANI-AHY 17, 1917.]

I'UNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

Mistress. "OH, IIE 's, GONK INTO THE TRENCHES, HAS HE? WELL, you MUSTN'T WOBRY."

Maid. "OH, NO, MA'AM, I'VE LEFT OFP WORRYING NOW. HE CAN'T WALK OCT WITH ANYONE ELSE WHILE HE'S THERE."

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)

THE idea of publishing Frederick the Great : The Memoirs
of his Reader, Henri de Catt (1758-1760) (CONSTABLE) was
that we are all so passionate against Prussianism that we
want to plank down our money for two volumesful of ob
servations at first hand about the man who was the source
and origin of that dark and swollen stream. Personally, wo
doubt the general zeal in this matter not of Prussianism
but of FREDERICK. However, DE CATT, looking at a king
from a queer angle, is extraordinarily diverting. " Eeader "
was a euphemism for a patient audience, including claque.
FHICDKHICK, incognito on a Dutch barge, picked up the
young scholar and marked him down as one who could
lio induced by florins and flattery to take on the job of
listening to his patron's bad French verses and his after-
dinner llutings of little things of his own, his approving
observations on his own conduct, his battles, his philosophy
of life and politics, no doubt calculating that it would all be
jotted down on fateful scraps of paper and given a favour-
able colouring for the edification of the world. Well, the great
FREDERICK put it over me all right. Frankly I rather liked
the old fellow, his old clothes (thero was at least no shining
armour swank at Potsdam in those days), his practice of
solemnly cutting capers for the benefit of his " reader,"
though I know not explicitly what a caper is, his Billings-
gate, language, his real opinion of VOLTAIRE, his charming,
if possibly rare, acts of magnanimity, his moderation in
war, which was not all hypocrisy. In fact, if you expect an

ogre you will be disappointed. He could give the latest
Hohenzollern points in a good many directions. I ought,
of course, to add that a learnedly allusive preface by Lord
EOSEBERY graces the volume, and that the very competent
translation is by F. S. FLINT.

These are days when the more we know about Russia
and things Russian the better. Specially timely, then, is
the appearance, in an English translation, of The Fisher-
men (STANLEY PAUL), by DIMITHY GREGOROVITSH. It is a
wonderfully appealing story, which has been put into
English presumably by Dr. ANGELO RAPPOPOHT, though
he is only credited on the title-page with the authorship of
the Preface in such a way that the spirit of the original
is admirably preserved. 1 had not read a couple of pages
before the charm of the style laid hold upon mo. The story
is quite simple, concerned only with a group of peasants,
fisher-folk, living on the banks of a great river. GRKOORO-
VITSH is like TOUHOEXIEV in his devotion to peasant and
country types, but otherwise more akin to our own younger
school of realists in the minuteness of his observation.
Throughout the story abounds in character-study of a kind
that, while building up the figure with a thousand details,
will add suddenly some vivid touch that brings the whole
wonderfully and unforgettably to life. An example of this
is Akim, that perfect type of the hopeless incompetent, whose
very futility, while it rightly exasperates his fellows, makes
him a delight to the reader; so that his death, at the end
of the first part, comes with an ett'ect of personal loss. For
my own part, as poor Akim had never once before accom-

PUNCII, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANUARY 17, 1917.

plishod what he set out to do, I was? quite expectant of his
recovery, and proportionately disappointed. Throughout
also there aro pen-picturos of Russian scenery, full of vivid
colour; while the story itself, though inevitably in a some-
what; minor key, is never sordid or pessimistic. Emphatic-
ally therefore a hook for everyone to read who cares to
know the hesfc in the literature of our great Ally.

MAECIAKET DELANO'S \voll-proved pen gives us a spirited

all to begin again. Maybe we might forgive him that, fo r
of such staple are good yarns spun, but why in heaven's
name should bold Edmund Layton of Liddesdale go about
to make himself and us miserable with feckless scruples
that ruined the happy ending wo had fairly earned ? Either
lie was right to let CHARLES STUART escape that day in the
mist, in return for former generosity, or he was wrong ;
and one would have expected him to make up his mind
arid there an end, and not fret himself into a pother and

sketch of a modernist American woman in The llisimj Tide Mr. JOHN FOSTER'S story into a most inartistic anti-climax
(MURRAY). I don't quite know how this enigmatic sentence, 'over such a subtlety. All the same a rattling good tale,

which I have long puzzled over and frankly given up, came
to escape both author and reader : " Onco Mrs. Childs said
to tell Fred her Uncle William would say it was perfect 1
nonsense." I feel sure it is not good American. However,
Freddy Payton is a young girl who tells the inconvenient
truth to everybody about
everything, and you may
guess that such candour
does not make for peace.
Mrs. Payton elects to keep
her idiot son in the house,
and Freddy thinks an asy-
lum is the proper place for
him, and says so. The late
Mr. Payton was a rake, and
Freddy derides her mother's
weeds on the ground that
the widow is really in her
heart waving flags for de-
liverance, but daren't admit
it. Freddy offers cigarettes
to the curate, which is
apparently a much greater
crime over there than here.
Freddy finally, carried along
by the rising tide, asks the-
man she loves to marry
her, mistaking his friend-
ship for something stronger,
and learns that, as the old-'
fashioned people like her
mother realise, men are
essentially hunters and
" won't bag the game if it
perches on their fists." I
wonder 1 But Freddy got
a better man the diffident I

full of hard knocks as well as bright eyes, and with more
than a smack of STEVENSON.

1'OKCK OF HABIT.

HOW AK ESCAPED rBISONEB OF WAR BBTBAVED HIMSELF.

elderly man who was waiting round the corner. In fact,
Freddy is rather a sport, and if Mrs. DELANO intended her as
a tract for the times, in the manner of Mrs. HUMPHRY WABD,
her shot has miscarried at least so far as I am concerned.

Edmund Layton, thick in the arm and at times, be it
confessed, thick in the head, was so thoroughly in love
with The Bright Eyes of Danger (CHAMBERS), and the
brighter eyes of Charlotte Macdoncll, Jaeobitess, that in the
rousing days of the YOUNG PRETENDER he not only lightly
risked his life when his lady was in need, but more than
once went out of his way to make- things quite unneces-
sarily hazardous for himself, when I or any other of his
more canny Hanoverian friends was longing to give him
warning. For instance, when that taking villain, Philip
Macdoncll, after beating him in the race for the French
treasure buried in the sands of Spey beside the sunken ship
(vide the frontispiece mystery chart), soon after fell comfort-
ably into his hands, lie had no more discretion than to take
him out to fight a duel ; whereon, as wo others foresaw,

I fancy that I ought perhaps already to know The
Wood-Carver of 'Lympm (MELKOSE), which, hailing origi-
nally from America, seems
to have made many friends
over here before reaching
me in its present form. I
am glad, more especially at
the present season, to ex-
tend a grateful welcome to
so kindly and charming a
story. 'Miss MARY E.
WALLER has written a
singularly refreshing and
happy book, full of passages
that reveal a great sym-
pathy for country life and
the hearts of simple people.
Hugh Armstrong, the central
figure, is a youth in a New
England mountain farm,
condemned to perpetual in-
activity through an acci-
dent. "At the beginning of
the story we see him, in the
depths of misery, visited by
a casual passenger from the
stage coach, whose atten-
tion has been caught by
his story as related by
the driver. Thenceforward
things mend for Armstrong.
The stranger interests him in
wood-carving: orders pour
in, which help to bring com-
fort to the farm ; books and letters arrive from unknown city
dwellers. Thus the tale is a record of increasing happiness,
but kept (an important thing) from cloying by the tragedy
upon which it is built. If you will not be put off by American
dialect or by the rather startling discovery that one of the
kindliest characters is named Franz, you will, I believe, find
a brief stay upon 'Lympus most beneficial to your spirits.

How to deal with your Banker.

"The baukors of General Chang Tsolin, the Military Governor of
Mukden, who suffered from financial troubles, were summarily exe-
cuted by shooting on the charge of having disturbed the money
market." Shanghai Mercury.

" The I>arI>daI>neDlDloDs Commissioners sat agaia to-day at the
House of Iiords, when General Sir John Maxwell was examined."

Provinc ial Paper.

Please do not imagine that that is what the gallant officer

called them.

"A IiAitaE BLACK I>oa, no colour, strayed.'* The Times.
THE LUCKV BLACK CAT, in all colours, made to order." The Queen,

the wily villain incontinently disappeared and the fun was | This is the kind of thing that drives a chameleon mad.

JANI'AUY 21. 1917.J

PUNCH, on Tin-; LONDON' CHARIVARI.

CHARIVARIA.

"TtiKV knosv nothing

the

War in Greenland," said M. D\.M; \ \KI>
IrN.sK.x to a contemporary, and now
jthe IntdligeneePDepartment is wonder-
ing whether it didn't perhaps choose

11 10 wrong colour after all for its tabs.

* *
*

Tho Governor of Greenland, giving

evidence in the Prize Court last week,
was greatly interested to learn that
there was a well-known hymn, entitled
" From Greenland's Icy Mountains."
Ho was, however, inclined to
think that the unfortunate refer-
ence to tlio rigorous nature of
tho cliinatu would be resented by
the local Publicity Committee, to
whoso notice he would feel it his
duty to bring the matter when

they were next thawed out.

* *

Lord DBVOHPOBT has estab-
lished his own Press Bureau, and
it, in rumoured that the Press
Bureau is about to appoint its
own Food Controller.

* *

The American Line has ad-
vanced its First-Class fares by
three pounds. It is hoped that
this will effectually discourage
Mr. HENBY FOBD from visiting

Europe for some time to come.

* *
*

The. Times Literary Supple-
ment has received 335 books of
original verse in 1916. And still
tlm authorities pretend that
juvenile crime is confined to the

East End.

A telegram despatched from
London on January 2'2nd, 1906,
which contained a polling result of
the General Election then in pro-
., has just been received by a
William resident, who told the
messenger there was no reply.

* *
*

"If agriculture is to flourish," says
77/c Daily Mail, " it must l>e so con-
ducted as to pay." It is just this
sordid commercialism that distorts the

Carmelite point of view.

* *

The German Union for the Develop-
ment of the German Language have
sent a petition to the CHANCELLOU,
asking that in any future Peace nego-
tiations tho German language should
bo used. Will
never cease?

ing the purloin- clean for tho sake of its
will bo easily understood by those

who appreciate (lie fuitidioui taste of

the 1'ig- * *

A Hungarian paper complains that
tho Government treats tho War us if it
were merely a family affair. This con-
trasts unfavourably with tho more
broadly hospitable attitude of the
Allies, who have made it abundantly
clear that so far as they are concerned
anyone is welcome to join in and help
their side.

stroy tho insect pests. A Peterborough

fanner has wrilton a poc'n in The l>ii/!;/
/.' ;/>/(.'..%' against theso pests, but wo
fancy that if a permanent improvement
is to bo effected it will be necessary to

adopt much sterner measures than this.
* *

#
Tho recent vagaries of the Weather

Controller are said to be due to ono
of the now railway regulations, by
which you are required to " Show all
seasons, please." # *

Even Nature seems upset by the
War. According to The Evening
Standard primroses are blooming
in a Harrow garden, while only
the other day a pair of whito spats
were to be soon iu tho Strand.

Another Glimpse of the Obvious.

From the " Standing Orders "
of a Military Hospital :

"Officers confined to their bods will
have their meals iu their rooms."

Anxious Mother. "NEVKB MIND ABOUT YOUII BHOTHEB.
MAUD. 'OLD THE CMBRELLKB OVBB THB SUGAR I "

" A gale of great fury raged at
Sheffield early on Tuesday morning.
Much damage was done in the city
and outlying districts, a number of
beings being unroofed."

Yorkshire Paper.

Several others have been noticed
to have a tile loose.

"The welcome, amounting to an
oration, which heralded the Prime Min-
ister, waa the most remarkable feature
of a very remarkable occasion."

Daily Dispatch.

Is this quite kind to the sub-
sequent speakers ?

"By his colleagues at Bar he has
been regarded as a sound lawyer, well
worthy of the high position which he
had filled for little over two hundred
years." Englishntan (Calcutta).

Lord HALSBUBY must look to his
laurels.

German frightfulness

" Anybody in the Carmarthen dis
trict," says tho local medical officer,

The other day a Farnham bellringer, j .. Mr. Clement Wragge has prepared a special
after cycling seventy miles, rang a peal weather forecast for the year 9117. His opin-

of 5,940 changes. It is not known why.

" War diet," says Professor EOSIN in
the Lokal Anzeigcr, " improves the
action of the heart." But what the
Germans really want to know is, what
improves a war diet?

V *

:':

Among the goods stolen from a
Grouch Hill provision merchant's the
other day were eight chooses and ten
hams. As the place was much littered
it is thought that the cheeses put up a
plucky fight. , : *
*

It is pointed out by experienced agri-

" can keep a pig in tho parlour if they : culturists th'at it is useless to plant
keep it clean." The necessity of keep- potatoes unless steps are taken to de-

ion is that tho year will prove distinctly good.
New Zealand Times.

We infer that, in Mr. WBAUGB'S opinion,
the War will be over by then.

The Minimum.

Extract from a letter just received
from H.Q. in France :

" 0.0. 'B will take care that all ranks know-
that they must never parade before an Officer
Brigade, Pe%imental or Company unless
properly dresseJ, wearing at least a belt."

"The few women on tho platform were
dressed quietly, as befitted the occasion, the
smartest person present being Mr. McKouna."
Illustrated Sunday Herald.

Our contemporary might have told us
what ho wore.

VOL. CLIt.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI

[JANUARY 21, 1917.

THE GOLFER'S PROTEST.

AUONO the shocks that laid us flat

When WILLIAM loosed his wanton hordes
There fell no bloodier blow than that

Which turned our niblicks into swords ;
And O how bitter England's cup,

In what despair the order sunk her
That called her Cincinnati up

When busy ploughing in the bunker!

Even with those who stuck it out,

Bravely defying public shame,
Visions of trenches knocked about

Would often spoil their usual game ;
Rumours of victory dearly bought,

Or else of bad strategic hitches,
Disturbed their concentrated thought

And put them off their mashie pitches.

Now comes a menace yet more rude

That puts us even further off ;
It says the nation's need of food

Must como before the claims of golf;
We hear of parties going round,

Aided by local War-Committees,
To violate our sacred ground

By planting veg. along our " pretties."

If there be truth in that report,

Then have we reached the limit, viz. :
The ruin of that manly sport

Which made our country what it is ;
The ravages we soon restore

By conies wrought or hoofs of mutton,
But centuries must pass before

A tnrnip-patch is fit to putt on.

What I Shall we sacrifice the scenes

On which our higher natures thrive
Just to provide the vulgar means

To keep our lower selves alive ?
Better to starve (or, better still,

Up hands and kiss the Hun peace-makers)
Than suffer PBOTHERO to till

The British golfer's holy acres. O. S.

PERSONAL PARS FROM THE WESTERN FRONT.

(With acknowledgments to some of our chatty contemporaries.)

HAPPY C.-iN-C. I saw the Commander-in-Chief to-day
passing through the little village of X in an open car. He
was very quietly dressed in khaki, with touches of scarlet
on the hat and by the collar. I waved my hand to him
and ho returned the salute. It is small acts like this which
endear him to alL I noticed that the Field-Marshal was
not carrying his baton. Doubtless he did not wish to spoil
its pristine freshness with the mud of the roads.

OF COURSE. A friend in the Guards tells me that th e
new food restrictions do not affect the men in the trenehe 8
very seriously. Our brave soldiers are so inured to hard-
ships by now that they willingly forgo seven-course dinners.

NOT STARVING. While on the subject of food, the pic-
ture published on page 6 of to-day's issue refutes the idea
that the Hun is starving. It represents the KAISER looking
at some pigs. The KAISER can be distinguished by a X .

FASHIONS FOR MEN. Now that mid-winter is with us it is
quite a common event to meet fur-clad denizens of the
firing line. Some of the new season's coats are the hist
word in chic, one which I noticed yesterday, made of
black goat, having pockets of seal coney with collar and
cuffs of civet. The wearer's feet were encased in the latest
style of gum boots, reaching to the thigh and fastening
with a buckle. These are being worn loose round the
ankle. A green steel helmet, draped in sandbag material,
completed the costume. The field service cap was not
being worn inside the helmet.

NUMBER NINE. The Army doctors, so it seems, do not
fully understand the delicate constitution of a friend of
mine in the Blues, and sent him hack to duty after dosing
him with medicine, though he is suffering from pain in
the foot. The medicine generally takes the form of a
" Number Nine," the pill that cures all ills ; but last time
he went on sick parade they were out of stock, and he was
given two " Number Fours " and a " Number One " instead.
Eough-and-ready pharmacy. What ?

SPIRITED. Met my old chum, Sir William , just

back from the trenches. Dear old Billy, what cigars he
used to smoke in the good old days ! He tells me that
when on a carrying fatigue the other night one of his
men dropped the earthenware receptacle which contains
Tommy's greatest consolation in this terrible war, and
every drop of the precious liquid was spilt. Five minutes
later a Jack Johnson landed beside him and put things
right. It gave him a rum jar. Good, eh ?

WHERE TO LUNCH. I am just off to lunch with my
old pal, the Hon. Adolphus Lawr'e-Carr, of the Motor
Transport Section of the A.S.C. I have never seen him
look better than he does now, in hunting stock and field
boots, crop and spurs. He always gives one a first-class
meal.

THE NEXT PUSH. I had a most interesting conversation
the other day with Alphonse, late of the Saveloy. He is
on the G.H.Q. Staff in a position of high trust something
to do with the culinary arrangements, I believe and is, of
course, in the know. From what he told me confidentially
I can assure all my countless readers that there will be
fighting on the Western Front during 1917, and, in the
words of Mr. Hilary Bullox, " If it is not prolonged until
next year, the present year will certainly see the end of
the War." More I cannot divulge.

Our Cautious Contemporaries.

" What can be said with truth is that business in the New Loan
for the first two days is easily AZ per cent, better for new money than
for the same period on the occasion of the last loan."

Evening Standard,

" ANCIENT ORDEB OF HIBERNIANS.

State President Pee has requisitioned a large supply of stationery ;
he announces that ho will at once begin an active canvas of the State
to revive old divisions and organize new ones." Texas Newspaper,

Just as if he were at home in dear old Ireland.

" Athens, Wednesday.

The cx-Prcmiers who were consulted yesterday by the iKng, were
unanimously of opinion that the Entente Note was not yesterday by
the King were unanimously as its acceptance would imply that
Greece contemplated an attack on General Sarrail's rear."

Continental Daily Mail.

Yet there are some people who complain that the situation
in Greece is not entirely clear.

rrxcn, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. JANUARY 24. 1017.

THE APPLE OF DISCORD.

AUSTKIA. " WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?" GERMANY. " SPOILS OF EQUMANIA."

AUSTRIA. "WELL, IF IT'S NOT BIG ENOUGH TO SPLIT YOU MIGHT LET US HAVE
THE CORE." GERMANY. "'THERE AIN'T GOING TO BE NO CORE."*

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

[JANUARY 24, 1917.

A WAY NOT TO PAY OLD DEBTS.

" HUL.IX), old thing ! " said Herbert
gloomily ; " lots of congrats. Lucky
devil, you, "and he sighed unobtrusively.

I had forgotten that once upon a
time Ailela had refused to walk out
with Herbert because of bis puttees,
which she said were so original that
they distracted her attention from the
way he proposed.

Remembering this now, I offered
my cousin a sympathetic cigarette,
which he, shaking himself free from
care, accepted ; after which he
began to borrow ten pounds
an achievement which, I am
proud to say, cost him nearly
twenty minutes' hard labour.

Not so very long afterwards
Adela and I bad a honeymoon,
followed by a picture-postcard
from Herbert. lie said he was
sorry he hadn't been there to
throw boots at us, but he was
convalescing on the Cornish
Riviera, the exact spot being
marked with a cross ; also one
could not send money by post-
card, -but I was not to think- he
\v:is forgetting about that fiver
lie had borrowed.

The first part of this docu-
ment caused Adela to wonder
vaguely if wounded oiBcers ought
to convalesce in chimney-pots,
but the last words gave me some
twinges of a more sincere alarm.
Was Herbert's delusion ' a> per-
'manency, or merely a slip of the
'pen ?

" Adela," I decided, "let 's ask
Herbert to dinner as soon as
ever he leaves the roofs of the
British Riviera."

Then one day, when I was
writing letters in the Mess, he
strolled in. "Hullo!" he said,
"where's the C.O.? What? . . .
Oil, -thanks awfully, and . . .
Oh, I say, good Lord ! I owe
you. three quid, don't I ? " and he
driftedly out abstractedly.

" Three ! " I echoed dizzily, as the
door banged. I staggered home for the
week-end.

I found Adela having an excited
conversation with the telephone iu
the hall.

" Ooo ! " she said, hanging up the
receiver, " Herbert 's a hero. He "s
just been telling me. And he 's coming
to dinner to-night."

" 1 also," I responded with emotion,
" have a tale to unfold," and I unfolded
it.

When at last Herbert, moving mod-
estly under the burden of a newly
acquired D.S.O., arrived at the flat,

hospitality and an unaccustomed awe
withheld me from referring to so sordid
a matter as the inconsiderable decrease
in my lately-invested capital. Herbert,
however, deprecated heroics, and, as
he was saying good-night, came of his
own accord to the subject of debts.
Ho was always a conscientious fellow.
" You know, old chap," he said with
charming candour, as I saw him off
from the doorstep, " you must remind
me to pay up that two quid some time.
I keep forgetting, and when I do
re nembcr, like now, I haven't any !

N.C.O. " HEBE I JUST GRAB TUB OOJAH AN' DASH BOUND

TO THE TIDDLEY-OM-POM FOU HOME VIMPTY-POO 1 "

Private (ox-professor of languages) learns later that ho was
expected to fetch a bucket Of coke from the stores.

money to do it with. Cheero 1 " The
door clicked and 1 swooned.

It was very difficult; I could not
even make up my mind whether my
best policy was to stalk Hoi btri with
vigilance or to avoid him as persistently
as discipline allowed. On the one baud
he wasn't the cheque-book kind of m.iu
and he wouldn't pay me unless ho saw
me. Contrariwise, he wouldn't even if
he did, and whenever lie saw me my
original loan of ton gold sovereigns
might continue its rapid decline. Fin-
ally I decided to abstain from his
society.

Shortly after this momentous decision
the War Office sent him off to some re-
mote part of the country, and for many

.mouths our financial relations remained
unaltered at any rate in my own esti-
mation. He was still far away when
Adela II arrived, so we did our best to
hush her up ; we thought that if we
could smuggle her to, say, the age of ten
and send bier to school Herbert couldn't
possibly come and congratulate us
about her. That only shows how
much we didn't know ; for Herbert
procured some leave three weeks later
and was exc teclly mounting our stairs
within a few hours.

" P'r'aps," whispered Adela bravely as
~ be was being announced, " lie '11
forget about money p'r'aps
he'll even put it up a bit."

I smiled cynically, and was
justiliod ten minutes later, when
Herbert's conscience, troubled
and apologetic, reminded him
about that guinea he owed me.
At the christening it fell to
half-a-quid, and, according to
Herbert's latest allegation, it is
only his rotten memory for
posbatorders that prevents him
from sending me tliat dollar at
once.

And so, precariously, the mat-
ter rested till to-day, when the
iitial blow fell from the War
Office. Herbert and I are to
proceed to France-together next
Monday. On that-day, if 1 am
ingenious and agile enough not
to meet him bt fore, we ought to
be about all equare ; after that,
as far as I can see, there will
be an inevitable moment when
Herbert will turn to me with, " I
say, old fellow, you can't let me.
have that ten bob you touched
me for the other day, can you ?.
Hate to ask you, but I haven't
got a sou ..." But I won't
no, I won't. I will lot my ima-
ginary debt mount up, I will let
it increase even at the rate at
which Herbert's has decreased,
but I will not pay it. Herbert,
of course, will always be kind to mo
about it, for he is a generous creature,
and every time we go into action he
will probably wring my hand and beg
me not to worry about it any more.

" Old man," he will be saying on the
twenty-ninth occasion, " if 1 get done
in, promise you won't bother about that
thousand pounds you owe mo remem-
ber you 're to think of it as paid."
I shall remember all right.

" In a corn and meal merchant's shop, where
two or three cuts are kept for business pur-
poses, the cats may l>q noun feeding all will from
the open sacks." -tijiectiitor.

This lapse on pussy's part goes nil her
against the grain.

JANI;AUY 24, 1917.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

Barber. "MccH OFF, SIB?"

War Economist. "DCBATIOS OF WAB."

POLITICAL NOTES.
BY OUR OWN PAIR OF LYNX.
THERK is unfortunately no truth in the
rumour that, in order to provide billets
for 5,000 new typists, and incident-
ally to win the War, the Government
has commandeered the Houses of Par-
liament.

* * *

The problem of the housing of the
traveller-classes when all the hotels of
London have been taken over by the
Government is now occupying both
the waking and sleeping hours (such as
they arc) of the War Cabinet, and a
special department of the Intelligence
Department has been created to deal
witli it on the roof of No. 10, Downing
Street. It has not yet been decided
whether all visitors to London should
be sent back as soon as they arrive, or
whether Sir JOSEI-H LYONS should reap
the sole benefit of their sojourn.
* * *

Although the proprietors of the Hotel
des Ainbassadeurs, Baling, and the
Grand Hotel lliche, Mile End, have
offered the Government their premises,
on the most advantageous terms to
themselves, no arrangement has yet
boon effected.

A deputation of officials- recently-
visited the Zoo and made a number of
measurements, but no decision has yet
been reached as to whether or no it
will be taken over for Government work.

* * *

There is absolutely no truth in the
statement, circulated by some wholly
frivolous or malicious person, that any
of the theatres or music-halls are to be
closed during the War in order to make
space for workers.

* * *

It is rumoured that Mr. EDWARD
MARSH may very shortly take up his
duties as Minister of Poetry and the
Fine Arts. Mr. MARSH has not yet
decided whether he will appoint Mr.
ASQUITH or Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL
as his private secretary.

* *
Meanwhile a full list of the private

secretaries of the new private secretaries
of the members of the new Government
may at any moment be disclosed to a
long-suffering public.

* * *

The latest Captain of Commerce to
be diverted from his own business for
the benefit of his country is the head
of the great curl industry. He will
have one on his sleeve, being given

commissioned rank in the Navy, and
his- special duty will be the control of
the waves of the Channel.

* *

At the invitation of the PREMIER,
whose summons came to him just as he
was entering his car bound for Pall Mall,
Mr. HARRY TATB has agreed to accept
the portfolio of the Ministry of Road
Traffic. Mr. TATE'S long experience as
a motorist and familiarity with all the
difficulties of motoring qualify him
peculiarly for this post. One of hit
first tasks will be to inquire fully into
the charges against the taxi varlet.

* * *

In spite of all rumours to the con-
trary, Lord NORTHCLIFFB will remain
outside the now Government, but hit
interest in it is, at present, friendly.
It is very well understood, however,
that everyone must behave ; for hia
Lordship, in one of his rare intervals
of expansion, has been heard to remark
that there are as good fish in the sea as
ever came out of it.

" The Bishop of Winchester proposes to cul-
tivate the park round his Palace at Fulham."
Bristol Time* and Mirror.

The Bishop of LONDON will, no doubt,
return the compliment at Famham.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANUARY 24, 1917.

WARS OF THE PAST.

(As recorded in the Press of the period.)

VII.

From " Tempora " (Rome).

Admittedly, the peril is extreme.
Crustumeriuin has fallen, and also
Ostia. However, Janieulum, the key
to the whole outer system of the
City's defences, still stands, and there
is accordingly no immediate cause
for dismay. But we are strongly of
the opinion so rapid has been
LARS PORSENA'S advance hitherto
that the bridge over the Tiher._shoiild
be at once destroyed as a precaution-
ary measure while there is yet time.
We have every confidence in the con-
tinued capacity for resistance of the
strong garrison at Janiculum, but it is
necessary to bo prepared for every
eventuality ; and if the fortress should
fall without the bridge being demolished
tho latter would inevitably be seized
by the enemy, and the -Tiber, our last
line of defence, would bo lost to us.

For the rest, the spirit of the people
is excellent. It has become almost a
truism to say that nowadays none is
for a party, but ail are for the State.
Rich and poor have learned to help and
respect each other. Indeed, in these
brave days Romans, in Rome's quarrel,
have poured out blood and treasure un-
sparingly for the common cause. We
are like a nation of brothers.

P^icard of " Hesperus " (Special

Phosphorus Edition) :

FALL

JANICULUil.

From. "Hesperus" (Noon Edition').
SWIFT ADVANCE OP THE ENEMY.

WAR COUNCIL. MEETS.

IIOBATIUS TO HOLD BRIDGE-HE.iD.

CAN THE BRIDGE BE DESTROYED

IN TIME?

The Secretary to the Senate announces:

" The War Council met at the River
Gate immediately on receipt of tho
news of tho fall of Janiculum. It was
decided to accept the offer of Port-
Captain HORATIUS (S.P.Q.R.'s Own),
SruRius LARTIUS (Ramnian Regt.),
and HERMINIUS (" Titian Toughs "),
who gallantly volunteered to hold the
bridge-head in order to give time for
the bridge itself to be destroyed. All
hope of saving the town should not
therefore be abandoned.

Front our Special Correspondent,
I have just returned from the River

Gate, where 1 was, I believe, the first to
applaud one of the Patros Conscripti
(commanding the Axe -and -Crowbar
Volunteers), who set a fine example by
actually starting on the demolition of
the bridge himself. Already yon could
see the Tuscan hordes in the swarthy
dust that shrouded the Western horizon.
I was myself in a position to pick out
ASTUR, who was girt with the brand
which (I am informed by a high
authority) none but he can wield.
There is no need to describe to you
the firmament-rending yell that rose
when tho presence of tho false and
shameful SEXTUS was officially noti-
fied. One saw women who hissed
and oven expectorated in his direction,
and more than one child, I noticed,
shook its small fist at him with splendid
spirit. . . .

I am told that HORATIUS spoko out
pretty plainly to the Senate, expressing
the opinion that three men could easily
hold tho bridge-head. The gallant
officer, interviewed while ho was in the
act of tightening his harness, declined
to say much, merely expressing the
opinion that everyone has got to die
some time and that there was, after all,
some satisfaction in being killed in a
tight against odds. I confess I was
favourably impressed by tho very non-
chalance of his attitude.

Stop Press News.

LARTIUS BEAT AUNUS. HERMINIUS
BEAT SEIUS. HORATIUS BEAT Picus.

From "Hesperus" (Fourth Edition).
BRIDGE-HEAD STILL HELD.

DEATH OF ASTUR.
UNFORTUNATE MISHAP TO A LICTOR.

The Secretary to the Senate announces :

" Latest advices show that HORATIUS
has despatched ASTUR, and, though
slightly wounded in this encounter, has
been able to keep his place in the line.
Tho bridge head is still being held and
there is now a pause in the fighting.
The total enemy casualties up to the
present are estimated at: Killed, 7;
Wounded, 0; Missing, 0. Our own
casualties are : Killed, ; Wounded, 1 ;
Missing, 0. A regrettable incident took
place during the demolition of the
bridge, a Lictor having sliced himself
with one of his own axes and being
compelled to relinquish his valuable
labours."

(Stop-Press News.)
HORATIUS CUT OFF.

The-bridge has been successfully des
troyed shortly after the skilful with

drawal of LARTIUS and HERMINIUS in
the face of the enemy. Wo greatly
regret to add that UOUATIUS is missing,
having failed to make good his ro! ivat
with his comrades, and must bo re-
garded as lost. (Official)

From " Hesperus " (Special Home

Edition),
HORATIUS SAFE.

HOW HE SWAM THE RlVKrt.

(By our Special Correspondent.)

HORATIUS, the only oi;o of the
"dauntless three" (as they have been
already named) about whoso safety
doubts were entertained, has swum
the river and is safe. 1 saw him,
when the bridge fell, standing alone,
but obviously with all his wits about
him, despite the ninety thousand foos
before and the broad flood behind.
When lie turned round he might have
seen, I believe, from whore ho was
standing (just where, on other occa-
sions, I have stood inyeelf) the white
porch of his home. His lips parted
as if in prayer. Tho next moment,
pausing only to sheathe his ensan-
guined sword, he took a graceful dive
into the river.

Some moments of terrible tension
ensued. When at last his head ap-
peared above the surges, a cry of in-
describable rapture went up, and I am
happy to place on record the fact that
I distinctly detected a note of generous
cheering from the Tuscan ranks.

But all was not yet over. The cur-
rent ran fiercely, swollen high by
months of rain. Often I thought him
sinking and indeed nearly sent in a
message to that effect but still again
ho rose. Never, I think, did any
swimmer in like circumstances per-
form such a remarkable feat of nata-
tion. But at length he felt the bottom,
was helped ashore by myself and tho
Senate, and was carried shoulder-high
through tho River Gate. I understand
that some special recognition is to bo
made of his splendid feat.

From " Rome CJutt."

Our frontispiece this week is a family
group of brave Captain HORATIUS, to-
gether with the tender mother who
(formerly) dandled him to rest, and his
wife, who, it will be noticed, is nursing
his youngest baby. \Ve are glad to
hear that, in conformity with the prin-
ciple of settling our gallant soldiers on
the land, a goodly tract is to be given
to this popular hero. Tho story of how
he held the bridge-head will certainly
afford a stirring tale for the home-circle
for a long time to come.

JANUARY 21, 1917.]

X'ir, OR THE LONDON CIIAKIVAIM.

THIS IS A BIT OF ALL IUOHT, I DON'T THINK.
XRAININ', AN' NAB TIIEY MAKES A BLOOMIN' LANCKII OP ME!"

MB A-VOLBSTfiEUES 1 FOB ISPANTRY. COIN' EIGHT THROUGH

BAD- WORK.

Bob Winter is our local earner. His
old grey mare Molly or a predecessor
very like- her, driven by Bob's father
before him lias jogged into town on
market days as long as anyone in the
village can remember. The weather-
beaten, oft-patohed tilt of Bob's cart
must have heard in its day generations
of village gossip, and a mere inspection
of the cargo on the flap which lets
down at the back will provide quite an
amount of interesting information, such
as "whose new housemaid's tin trunk
bo a-goin 1 to station already, lookee,
and who be a-getten a new tyro to cos
bicycle see."

Now, however, there la a likelihood
that Bob may be called up ; and the
fate of the carrying business hangs in
the balance.

" Never mind, Bob," I said (I had
overtaken him and old Molly sauntering
up the steep hill above the village) ; " if
it comes to that, you know, the women-
folk will have to take turns at the
carrying while you are away. I believe
1 should make rather a good carrier."

Bob shook his head and looked
evasive.

" No, Miss," he said, " 'twuddn' do,
'twuddn' do at all."

" Come," 1 said, " you don't mean to
say Molly would be too much for me ? "

41 No, Miss, 'tain't Molly, but well,
't.ain't no job for a lady, ain't the
carryin" ; leastways, not to my way o'
thinkin'."

" Oh, but I should get the people at
the shops to help me with the heavy
things."

Bob cleared his throat loudly and
looked more uncomfortable still. Then
at last he decided to take the plunge.

" 'Tain't the liftin' that do be troublin'
I, Miss,'' he said confidentially, " 'tis
the 'ead-work. 1 don't believe there
be a wumman livin' could do it. There
be a tur'ble lot of 'ead-work in the
carryin' business. Why, I do think
think think roornen till night, till
what wi" one thing an' what wi'
another thing I "m sure there 's times
when I don't know if I be on my 'ead or
my 'eels. Why, I 've seen the time
when I 've a-comed in and I 've a-set
down and I 've a-said to Missis, ' No,
Missis, I don't want no tea; I don't
want nothen only to set quiet, for I be
just about tired out with that there
thinkin'.'

" There be such a sight o* things you
do have to remember, lookeo. What
wi' the grocer, an' what \vi' the draper,
an" folks's parcels to leave an' folks's

parcels to call for, an' picken up here
an' setten down there well, a woman's
brain ain't strong enough for it, least-
ways not to my way o' thinkin' ....

" Well, now, if 1 ain't a-gone an' for-
got to call at old Mrs. Pettigrew's for
her subscription for to get made up at
the chemist's I There, now, Miss, don't
that just show how you do 'ave to kip
on thinkin' all the time, else you be
just about sure to forget somethin' or
another? Oh yes, there be a smartish
lot of 'ead-work in the carryin' business,
an' no mistake I "

An Enviable Post.
From a list of the new Government:

" Chancellor of the Ducky of Lancaster:
Sir Frederick Oawley." Star (Johannesburg).

" MAN, to drive horse and make himself
generally useful in nursery."

1'rovincial Press.

No doubt a rocking-horse.

From a New Zealand diocesau maga-
zine :

" Owiiig to the continued illness of the
Vicar, which wo trust is reaching its last
stage, the services of the Church have boon
conducted by the following," etc.

The Vicar, we understand, thinks this
might have been more tactfully worded.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [JANUARY 24, 1917.

I.cnj-su/ering Wife (to amateur politician). "On, ALL BIOHT. DON'T KEEP 'OLLEBIN' AT MB ABOUT THE WAR AND THE GOVEB'-
MENT! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU 'BE TALKINQ TO LORD DEVUMPOBK?"

THE PURIFIED PRUSSIAN.

[Writing in Die. Woche a well-known Baroness, a leader of Berlin
society, discusses the transformation and purification of Berlin con-
viviality by the War. Social functions accompanied by eating have
altogether ceased and given way to more refined gatherings [esthetic
afternoon teas and elegant evening parties at which the conversation
reaches heights of brilliancy unheard of in tho old carnivorous days.
Unhappily snobbery still prevails, "every class pretending to be richer
and better than they are small officials, officers, landowners, all
pretending to be millionaires, and doing their pretension shabbily."]

ONE of the loading Prussian social stars

Opines that War, although it makes for leanness,

Not only banishes discordant jars

And purifies Berlin of all uncle ainess,

But places her, hoatified hy Mars,
Upon a pinnacle of mental keenness,

Changing the cult of trencher and of bowl

To feasts of reason and o'erilows of soul.

The gross carnivorous orgies of the past

Have gone, and in their place is something finer;

Emotions of a transcendental cast
Preoccupy the luncher and tho diner;

The Hun, in short, by being forced to fast,
Has grown ethereal, more alert, diviner ;

And, purged of all incentive to frivolity,

His spcecli has almost lost its guttural qualily.

His talk, of old to stodginess inclined,

Now sparkles with, consistent coruscation,

Attaining heights of mirth and wit combined
Unknown to any previous generation,

But always exquisitely pure, refined
And spiritual, as befits the nation
In which the nicer touch was never missing
Down from great FREDERICK to blameless BISSINQ.

"Tis easy, though tho writer does not tell.

To guess the themes which prompt the brightest
sallies ;

Louvain ; the Lusitania ; Nurse CAVELL
With these Hun wit most delicately dallies ;

The wreck of Reims ; the Prussic acid shell ;
The desolation of Armenia's valleys ;

The toll of Belgian infants slain ere birth

All these excite Berlin's ecstatic mirth.

And yet a slight amari aliqtiid

Is mingled with this lady's honeyed phrases ;
Berlin society is not yet rid

Of one of its less admirable phases ;
There is, in other words, one fly amid

The precious ointment of the writer's praises ;
In every class are those who ape the airs
Of the superior nobs and millionaires.

But still, when all reserves are duly made
For negligible faults in tact or breeding,

The picture by this noble scribe displayed

Of high-browed Hundom makes impressive reading ;

For homage to convivial needs is paid
Without the faintest risk of over-feeding,

And, braced by frugal fare,.tha/Prussian brain

Soars to a perfectly celestial plane. *-.

1 I
OS

Q
Z;

O
P

W
O

JANIIUIV 21, 1917.]

ITM'II, Oil TIIK LONDON CHARIVARI.

THE ADVANTAGE OF A SCIENTIFIC

DrOWtotf Mistress (to member of class that has been laid to draw some object of natural history).
Wiiv HAVEN'T YOU DONE A. NATURAL HISTORY SUBJECT?"

James. " BUT I HAVE. I 'VE DRAWN THE BED CORPUSCLES IN THB BLOOD OF A. FBOO."

EDUCATION.

Now, JAMES, THAT is

A FLEETING DETACHMENT.

Private Albert Snape, A.S.C. (M.T.),
stepped off the footboard of X. 33, a
medieval Vanguard, and splashed his
way round to the driver. " I "in fair
sick o' this 'ere Flanders, I am," he
complained, expectorating dolorously
into the sea of mud ; " 'sposo it 'all
be up to the blinkin' axles before Feb-
ruary ? " He stirred the mixture with
a cautious foot.

"Not 'arf, ole sport," replied the
driver, carefully unsticking a cigarette
from his underlip. " But yer ought to
'avu bin out larst winter, Mien yer did
'avo to sit above yerself to keep yer
tootsies dry."

" \Vot wuss than this?" exclaimed
the disconsolate one.

"Wuss!" was the withering retort.
"Wy, when I tells yer that some o'
them Naval 'Umming-birds, t'other
side o' Popinjay, fitted out an olo Blue
"Ammersmith with a pair o' propel-

lers . . . Wuss!" He exhaled scorn-
fully and gave a turn to the lubricator.

" Any chance o' getting down Yer-
melly way ? They say it ain't 'arf bad
there." Albert brightened up at the
thought.

" ' Tain't likely," was the sharp and
unsympathetic reply. " 'Oo do yer
think 's goin' ter do this little job if
they takes our lot away? Wy, this
'ere road is just like 'Igh 'Olborn to
me ; I knows all the 'umps and 'ollows
blindfold."

Albert returned to the stern sheets
and considered the most feasible
method of desertion.

JIalf-an-hour later, when the day-
light had gone, X. 33, generously over-
flowing with a detachment of the 20th
Mudlarkers, was, in company with many
other vehicles, making her inharmoni-
ous way along the " Wipers " road.
Judging from the plunginess of her
progress and the fluent language of the
man of oil, it was evident that some of

the " 'umps and 'ollows " had passed
from the driver's memory. Not that
such a slight matter could damp the
spirits of the passengers. Bather it
served to entertain them.

" We 'ave gone an' fallen out of the
dress-circle this time," a voice ex-
claimed after an extra steep dive into a
badly-filled shell crater.

Albert, wet and unsociable, hung
gloomily on to the back rail.

" Carn't see wot they got to be so
blinkin' "appy abart," he muttered
savagely ; " I don't believe it 's 'art bad
in them trenches." He ruminated
bitterly on the thought that his job
was probably the worst one on the
whole front, and made a resolve to put
the matter right.

When the final stopping-place had
been reached and the 20th Mudlarkers,
after the xisual indescribable melee,
had been put upon the path that would
ultimately lead them (if they were
fortunate enough to avoid all guides,

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANUARY 24, 1917.

plnlosophers and friends) to their
trench, the man of oil was profanely
grieved to discover that Albert Snapo
had abandoned X. 33 for the unknown.

As a matter of fact Albert had slipped
away and followed the Mudlarkors,
with hazy idea that a rifle would
fortuitously present itself. That an
extra unit could possibly be noticed
never occurred to him. Ha had a
vague intention of joining a cavalry
regiment. Very soon he lost the Mud-
larkers, and then, by an easy sequence
of events, himself.

" Wha goes there ? " whispered a
hoarse voice almost in his ear. It gave
him quite an unpleasant start, but, sup-
pressing his first inspiration, which was
to say the Life Guards, he answered,
H I 'in a Mudlarker ! "

" This iss the Seaforths in supporrt,"
remarked the sentry ; " ye '11 be in the
firrst line, na doot. Ye '11 hae to go
back, an' it 'e the firrst turnin' tao the
left, an' keep as strecht as ye can."
The Highlander stepped back into the
deeper shadows and the self-recruited
Mudlarker continued his career.

He traversed what seemed to him an
interminable number of trenches with-
out encountering anyone. There was a
reason for this lack of companionship,
but it did not at first appeal to his
imagination. Suddenly he was startled
by the vicious " phut, phut, phut " of
unpleasantly close shooting, and bullets
began to splash and grease along the
bottom of the trench, accompanied by
the stutter of a machine gun.

Miraculously untouched, ho slid over
the parados and lay, sweating with
fright, in the watery furrow of a turnip
field.

The trench was one that was seldom
used, being thoroughly exposed to en-
filading fire. At stated periods through
the night a machine gun was turned on,
a proceeding which, beyond gratifying
the Huns, had no sort of effect. Albert,
in blissful ignorance of all such customs,
floundered about amongst the turnips
until he came across a Jack Johnson
crater. From this he emerged even
wetter than before. A little later he
became mixed up with some barbed
wire. The more ho tried to get away
the more inextricably he became in-
volved with it. A star shell burst over-
head, and a German sniper, seizing the
chance of a lifetime, put in four rounds
rapid fire.

Albert lost the lobe of an ear and
had his breeches shot through, but he
managed to escape from the wire and
find another furrow. Mere dampness
no longer inconvenienced him, there
were- so many other things to think
about. He crawled stealthily on his
hands and knees and found the barbed

wire again. At length he heard the
welcome sound of voices. Ho crawled
faster until he became aware that the
voices were not speaking English, This
discovery turned linn to stone. For an
hour perhaps two hours he remained
aa still as a, hare in its form.

Suddenly, blurred and crouching
figures appeared out of the night.
They moved quickly and silently. One
of them nearly trod upon his hand, but
he was too dazed to think of committing
himself to either speech or action.

" Give it 'em I " cried a voice a few
seconds later, and the roar of the ex-
ploding homos signified that it had
been given.

Instantly pandemonium broke loose.
Machine gun and rapid rifle fire burst,
forth from the German front trenches,
and streams of bullets swept over the
intervening ground like a gigantic hail-
storm ; then some field batteries began
to burst H.E. shrapnel above the
disturbed area, while star shells and
magnesium flares threw an uneven light
over the whole scene.

A breathless body cast itself down
beside the now completely mesmerised
Albert : " We ain't 'arf upset the blink-
in' beehive. Lummo ! it 's "

The prone figure suddenly became
silent, gave a convulsive kick or two
and rolled over towards the man who
still lived.

It was sufficient. Something seemed
to draw very tense in Albert's brain and
his body reeled into action.

Blindly and without coherent
thought ho ran shouting across the
field, stumbling and falling over the
slippery and uneven surface, but always
picking himself up and flinging his
body onward into the unknown.

A subaltern, who was examining a
luminous watch, received him at the
charge as he fell into an English first-
line trench. They struggled wildly to-
gether in the mud to the accompani-
ment of startling language on the part
of the subaltern.

Then Albert, having reached his limit
of endurance, had the supreme taot to
faint.

A little later, in a well-found dug-out,
the patient was refreshing himself with
copious draughts of brandy.

" Who are you, and what the devil
are you doing here ? " asked the still
indignant officer.

Albert did not hesitate longer than it
takes to swallow.

" Lorst me way, I 'ave, Sir. I "m
with X 33, attached to Mechanical
Transport, an' if I ain't back pretty
quick my mate ' ull fair 'ave a bloomin.'

fit."

* * * * *

As was predicted by the sagacious

man of oil, the mud upon the road

is slowly climbing towards the axles,
but in spite of this and sundry other
drawbacks it would bo hard to find a
more contented spirit than that of
Private Albert Snape, A.S.C. (M.T.).

LIONS AT PLAY.

BY A SDUALTRBN.

THE Colonel rustles his newspaper,
smites it into shape with a mighty fist,
rips it across in a futile endeavour to
fold it accurately, and, casting it furi-
ously aside in a crumpled mass, says,
after the manner of all true War Lords,
" Umph." Whereupon the Ante-Boom
as one man takes cover

The Colonel then turns cumbrously
in his chair, permitting his eye to rove
round the room in search of the unwary
prey. He smiles cynically at the intense
concentration of the Auction parties;
winces at the renewed and unnatural
efforts of those who make music; glares
unamiahly at the feverish l>ook-worms,
and suddenly breaks into little chuckles
of satisfaction. The Ante-Room peers
cautiously round to discover the iden-
tity of the unfortunate victim, and
chuckles in its turn. The Adjutant,
checked in his stealthy retreat, hastens
back, arranges the table and chess-
board, pokes the fire with unnecessary
energy, and sits down. At once the
Anie-Eoom abandons its cover.

The Colonel begins by grasping the
box, turning it upside down, and spill-
ing the contents over the sides of the
table. The Adjutant immediately apolo-
gises for his clumsiness. The Colonel
then liberally spreads out the pieces,
selects two pawns, and offers the Ad-
jutant the choice of two fists. The
Adjutant chooses. Each fist opens to
disclose a white pawn. The Colonel's
expansive smile over his little joke
quickly turns to a frown at the Adju-
tant's exaggerated laughter. He sus-
pects tli3 Adjutant. He seizes two
more pieces, offers his opponent another
choice, but, to the latter's huge delight
and his own discomfiture, eventually
discovers that both are black. He ac-
cordingly ma'ces use of his casting
vote and selects white.

The Colonel plays a smashing game.
When it is his turn to move ho never
pauses to make up his mind. His mind
is already made up. All he has to do,
immediately the Adjutant has finished
touching up his position, is to move
the piece his eye has been piercing
throughout the long period of his
opponent's cautious deliberation. When
the Colonel moves a piece he may be
said to get there. All obstructions are
ruthlessly swept aside with a callous
indifference to Hague Conventions.

J \M-UU- TM

I 'I INCH, OR TIIH LONDON IJHARI VAIU.

Should a knight Imply de.-rond from
tlio clouds and settle on the correct
o it turivi'.s ino;-<> liy luek than
judgment. Tradition alle-i s Uiat when-
ever the Colonel ia eall'-d upon to move
his king iu tlio earlier ..f tin-

nil lights are turned of) from tlio
neighbouring town in aceoi-dane.e with
tin: I >e(eneo of tho lle.ihn Keg:d.--'
However true this may ho the respon-
sibility rests on tho 1'adre's capable
shoulders- when hi.-t king is moved m
i the later stage* the (Joluncl pushes it
aldiiy hy hall-S(|iiiires in a haphazard

&ad preoccupied manner. Jle h.yvanahlv

(ills his pi].'() when tin: end is in sight,
hut leaves it unlimited so that he
cover his ultimate defeat hy a general
lition of matches.

On this occasion tho Adjutant skil-
fully snipes tho Colonel's queen in the
sixth move. Tho Colonel immediately
retrieves tho piece from the box, asks
where it was before, examines it, with
tho essence of loathing and revolt, re-
moves it out of his sight, and refuses
to take it back, although he had mis-
taken, it for another piece. In retalia-
tion he proceeds to concentrate all his
effectives on his opponent's qt een, and,
after sacrificing tho flower of his forces,
drives tho attack homo and gains his
objective with the greatest enthusiasm.
He remarks that tho capture was costly,
but that honour is satisfied, and would
tho waiter kindly approach within ear-
shot ?

While the Adjutant is working up
his offensive on the Colonel's right
Hawk, tho Colonel himself is making
independent sallies oa the left, unless,
of course, ho is compelled to march his
king out of a congested district into
more open country. On the rare occa-
sions when he is at a loss for a moment
what to do ho makes it a practice to
move a pawn one square in order to
gain timo. By this method, unex-
pectedly but none tho less jubilantly,
lie recovers his queen only to see it
laid low again hy enfilading tire from a
perfectly obvious redoubt.

After twenty minutes of battle the
('dlonel's area becomes positively
draughty, and the solo survivors of his
dashing hut sanguinary counter-attack,
tho king and two pawns, have assumed
the bored and callous air of a remnant
that has fought too long and is called
upon to light again. Tho Colonel has
just unceremoniously pushed his sov-
ereign to the roar with a flick of his
nervous irritated little linger. His
opponent can obviously bring him to
his knees in two moves. Instead of
which tho Adjutant brazenly coui-
"menccs with massed bands and colours
Hying to execute a masterly tactical
advance with tho whole of his com-

6 Conductor. "PASS FCRTHEB DOWN THE CAB, PIJE AS r I PASS FURTHER
Tin: C.MI, i-r.KASKll (In dtiptration) ANY LADY OR OESTi4EiLt5j PRESENT KSQVT THB
GERMAN KOU 'PASS PCIITHKU DOWN THB CAB'?"

mand cavalry, infantry, church and
tanks, in order to achieve tho destruc-
tion of tho two bantam bodyguards.

This is not playing the game, and
the Colonel fumes inwardly and frets
outwardly. In the intervals of pressing
down the unlit tobacco in bis pipe with
an oscillating thumb, he alternately
pokes his king out of tho corner and
pulls it back again ; while, his trans-
parent impulse is to scrap the board,
wreck tho ante-room and run amok.
The Adjutant continues his innocent
amusement until at last the pleasure
wanes. Tho two heroic pawns are
carried decently off, and he apolo-
getically whispers bis suspicions of a
checkmate to his commanding officer.

The Colonel brushes aside tho Mess
President's tinder-lighter, shatters the
mute triumph of the serried black ranks
of the hostile forces with one superb
elevation of the eyebrows, smashes three
matches in quick succession, and proves
that all the time his mind has been pre-
occupied with weightier matters by-
saying after tho manner of all true Wai-
Lords, " Umph."

Sweetness and Light.

O MATTHEW ARNOLD I you were right :
We need more Sweetness and more

Light ;

For till we break the brutal foe
Our sugar 's short, our lights are low.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANUARY 24, 1917.

A LUCID EXPLANATION.

IT was my task to collect from their
relatives particulars as to the where-
abouts of the wounded of our neigh-
bourhood, for the purposes of our local
report. It wanted five minutes to
^welve, the sacred dinner-hour of the
British artisan ; and one name re-
mained upon my list, against which
was a pencilled note, "Eeported return-
ing home." Did that mean that he
was disabled ? And should I manage to
gather the necessary information before
the clock struck ?

I knocked at the door, which was
opened by a woman wearing a canvas
apron with a very tight string, her
head surmounted by hair-cullers and
a cloth cap.

" Yes, thanking you kindly," she re-
plied in answer to my question,
" mo son 'as been wounded.
'Eard of it from the War Office.
This war's a shocking busi-
ness."

I expressed- my sympathy and
asked for particulars.

" Yer see, he was at Gallipoli."

"At Gallipoli? Then it must
have been some time ago ? I
understood "

"It was this way. Me son,
'e ses to me, 'Mother,' 'o says,
'don't you worry, but I 've had
a toe took off.' 'E never was
one to put up a great shout
'bout hisself, nor nothink of
that. They took 'im down to
their base 'ospital. Leeharver 'a
the name. Perhaps you know
it?"-

I cast my mind over the
jEgean Islands, from which
Mudros sprang up very large, and every-
thing else sank into oblivion. " I 'm
afraid I don't," I owned apologetically.

" Thought perhaps you might. L-E,
first word, H-A-Y-E-E second Lee-
harver."

" Oh-h, to be sure, Le Havre. I
mean yes, now you mention it, I
think I have heard of it. And is your
son still there ? "

" Me son, 'e ses the vermin there was
something shocking, and they spent all
their spare time 'unting theirselves."

" What ! not in the hospital? Oh, I
see; you mean in the trendies."

" And "im," she continued, not notic-
ing my remark, 'and 'im that partic'lar
'bout 'is linen ; couldn't use a 'andker-
chief not unless it was spotless ; must
"av a clean one every Sunday as reg'lar
as the week come round. It do seem
'ard, don't it? 'They've pinched his
sweater too. S'pose I shall 'av to get
'im another, s'pose I shall ; but it 's a
job to know how to get along these

times. And now margarine 's up this
week, that 's the latest."

" But your son," I ventured tenta-
tively " is his foot still bad ? "

" Oh, "is foot 's right enough. It 's
'is teeth that 's the worry. 'E ses to
me, ' Mother,' he ses, ' afore I can do
any good I must 'ave me teeth seen to.'
Oh, this lighting 's cruel work ! "

Could he have been wounded in the
jaw? The thought was horrible, but I
remarked with affected cheerfulness,
" Well, come, anyhow he is able to
write."

"Oh, 'e can write right enough got
the prize at school for 'rithmatic, 'e
did."

' Yes, but I mean if he is able to
write ho can't be so very bad."

" Oh, 'e didn't write that,. That was
August come a twelvemonth. The very

" Not as I Ve 'card on," came the
prompt reply.

" Well, but I thought you said your
son had been wounded."

"Ah, yes, that was 'is toe, yer see;
sent 'im down to the base 'ospital,
Leeharver."

"Yes, you told me that ; but I heard
he might becoming home. I was afraid
perhaps ho was disabled."

" That 's right. 'E 's coming 'ome
right enough. Ought to be 'ere in
'bout five minutes. 'Ope 'is dinner
'asn't spiled time I've stood 'ere talk-
ing to you."

" Well, what ?'.s the matter with him
then ? " I asked desperately.

" Dunno there's anything partic'lar
wrong with 'im. 'E 's going to get
married to-morrer, if that 's what you
mean. 'Ope it won't bo the beginning
~"~j of fresh troubles for 'im. But
you never know what 's coming
next."

I agreed that you never did.

"ELLO, WOT'S THE MATTER WITH 'IM?"
"SHELL BHOCK, I BECKON."

first thing they done to him was to
take out pretty near 'alf 'is teeth. The
military authorities do pull you about
something shocking."

" And where did he go after Hav
after Loshar I mean after the hos-
pital? " I was getting ratherbewildered.

" Oh, 'e went to the War right enough ;
but 'is digestion 's that bad. They said
'e 'd feel a lot better onco 'is teeth was
out, but 'e ses, ' Mother,' 'e ses, ' you
want a mouth full of teeth to eat this
bullet beef what they give us.' Next
thing was they set him to drive them
machines."

" What machines would those be ? "
I asked, groping for a little light.

" Why, them motors as they use out
there. 'E got meddling with one of
'em, and it was the nearest thing 'e
didn't 'ave 'is 'and in a jelly; the
machine didn't act proper, or somethink
o' that."

"And do you moan that his hand
was injured?"

LETTERS FROM MACEDONIA.

m. .

JERRY, MY LAD, We have
lost a dear friend, and with him,
alas, the piping days of peace.
No, he is not dead, or even mori-
bund, but his friendship for us
lives no longer. His name is
Feodor, and he is a Bulgar
comitadjus, or whatever is the
singular of "comitadji," and he
lived until lately in No. 2 Dug-
out, Hyde Park, just over the
way.

It is a moot point which de-
lighted us the more, Feodor's
charming manner or his exqui-
site trousers. These two characteris-
tics were the more pleasing because of
their perfect contrast ; for whereas his
manner was refined and retiring, his
trousers were distinctly aggressive in
their flaunting shameless redness.

Feodor's appearances were at first
spasmodic. This was only natural,
seeing that he had not yet instilled
into us his own attractive habit of
laisscr alter and laisser faire, and that
his red trousers offered such a beautiful
mark.

He would appear suddenly, smile
seraphically towards us, and then dis-
appear before our snipers could get on
to him. At first of course we tried to
pot him, but gradually our ferocity
gave way to amazement and then to
tolerance. At last came a day when
Feodor climbed on to his parapet
and made us a pretty little speech.
We cheered him loudly, although we
didn't understand much of it. Next
day we brought down an interpreter

JANUAKY '24, 1917.]

PUNCH, OR TIIK LONDON crfARIVAIM.

and asked Feodor for an encore. His
second performance was even more
spirited than the first, and after a grace-
ful vote of thanks to our benefactor we
asked the interpreter to oblige.

It appeared that from his boyhood
Feodor had been apprenticed to an
assistant, piano-tuner in Varna. l!o.-,\
days of rapid promotion followed, &od
the boy, completely wrapped up in his
profession, soon became a depnu
assistant piano-timer. Then followed
the old, old story of vaulting ambition.

The youth, his head turned by
material success, sought to c Jti-.o!idate
his social posiiion by a nmni.i<,e above
his station, and <h>red to aspire to the
hand of a full piano-tuner's daughter.

The old man tried gentle dissuasion
at first, but the obstinate pertinacity of
the stripling made him graduallv lose
patience. Ho waa a halo and hearty
veteran, and when the situation came
to a climax his method of dealing with
it Wiis stern and thorough.

Seizing the hapless Feodor during
an evening call he interned him in the
vitals of a toneless Baby Grand, and for
three hours played on him CHOPIN'S
polonaise in aflat major, with the loud
pedal down. On his release Feodor
had lost his reason and rushed to the
nearest police-station to ask to be sent
to the Front immediately. His object,
he explained, was to end the War. The
Bulgar authorities thought the plan
worth trying and sent him off as a
coinitadjus ; and to these circumstances
we were indebted for Iris society.

Every day we saw more and more
of Feodor, and we grew to love him.
As to sniping him now- the idea never
entered our heads. Accordingly, while a
deafening strafe proceeded daily on both
sides of us, we remained in a state of
idyllic peace and hatelessness.

Then arrived the cruel day when the
Urass Hats came round, and a large
and important General asked us

" But are you boing offensive enough
to the enemy in front? "

"Offensive to Feodor, Sir? Im-
possible ! "

" You must be offensive," he rejoined.
" I don't think there is sufficient hate
in this part of the lino."

It was this unfortunate moment
that Feodor chose to step on to his
p:u-:ip!'. and rail out cheeifully to the
Great Alan--

" (iood morning, Johiiir ! "

For one fenae moment I thought
the General would burst. By an effort
he pulled himself together, however,
and shoi.t.'d to my troops in a voice of
thunder

" At That Person in front fifteen
rounds rapid. Fire! "

YAe had to do it, of course, and, al-

lMdy(teJio Juts leeupliotcgrapiu-d for jxissport). "THIS MIOTOORATII OP ME is REALLY

DREADFUL. WHY, I LOOK UKB A GORILLA ! "

Photographer. "I'M VERY BORIIY, LADY; BUT, YOU SUB, THE GOVERNMENT WON'T

ALLOW tS TO TOUCH UP ANY 1'ASSi'ORT PHOTOS."

though I think most of our sights were
a little high, accidents -will happen.
Feodor emitted one unearthly shriek,
and his time back towards homo would,
if it had been taken, make a world's
championship record.

I don't think he was physically
hurt; hut his poor trousers were badly
punctured ! . . .

Our friend, Jerry, may not he lost,
but he is certainly gone behind.

Yours always, PETKK.

"From the I', uti m 1 Firth to Norway, the
cM's i>f tin; P.rilish Fleet are tho*o of
Nimqimm." Yorkshire 1'ost.

Wesupposeold Dormio isasleopasusual.

" The clergy will bo pleased to hear of
parishioners who are sick." 1 aii

No doubt they mean it kindly, but it
sounds rather callous.

" HoMcrsof 15s. Gd. War Savings Certificates
anil w;rip vouchers of tlic W.ir I^xin are
acceptable over tho I 'out Olliee counter at their
faeo value." Daily News.

" ' My face is my fortune, Sir,' she

"Will anyone givo 15/- and a kind home
to a nice little brown miniature poodle dog,
3 years, ideal pet and companion ? "

5'/K! Bazaar.

Sixpence more and the little pet could 1
buy a War Savings Certificate.

..GG

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANUARY 24, 1917.

THE FATE OF UMBRELLAS.
No. I.

From Arthur Vivian, Bury Street, St. James's, t6
Mrs. Morton, Dockington Hall, Bucks.

DEAR Mns. MORTON, Just a line to thank you very
sincerely for my delightful visit. It was like old times to
sea you all gathered together in hospitable Dockington and
to find that the War, terrible as it is, has not altogether
abolished pleasant human intercourse in England, in spite
of what the Dean said. But then Deans are privileged
persons.

I am sorry to say, by the way, that in the hurry of
departure this morning 1 took away the wrong umbrella
and left my own. I am sending back the changeling with
all proper apologies. Would you mind sending me mine?
It has a crook handle (cane) and a plain silver band with
my initials engraved on it. Please give my love to Harry
and the children.

Yours always sincerely, ARTHUR VIVIAN.

No. II.
From the Dean of Marchestcr to Mrs. Morton.

DEAR MRS. MORTON, 1 desire to thank you for three
most agreeable days spent in congenial company. You
have indeed mastered the secret of making your guests feel
at home, and Dockington even in war-time is still Dock-
ington. Pray give my warm regards to Mr. Morton and
remember me suiba-bly to the dear children. I wish they
wouldn't keep on growing up as they do ; childhood is so
delightful.

I find to my great regret that by some inexplicable
mistake I took away with, me an umbrella that is not mine.
I am sending it back to you, and shall be deeply beholden
to you if you will pack up and send to me the one I left.
It is an old one, recognisable by its cane handle (crook) and
an indiarubber ring round the shaft. Pray accept my
apologies for the trouble I am giving you.

Yours very sincerely, CHARLES MELDEW.

No. III.

From Brigadier-General Barton to his
Sister, Mrs. Morion.

DEAR MART, You gave mo a capital time. There 's a
slight difference between Dockington and the trenches.
I 'm not as a rule a great performer with clergymen, but I
liked your -Dean. By the way, when I dashed off your
man put somebody else's umbrella in with me, instead of
my own, which is a natty specimen. The one I 've got is
an old gamp with a stout indiarubber ring to it. I haven't
time to send it back. Every moment is taken up, as I cross
to France to-night. Besides, how can you pack such a
thing as an umbrella ? It 's much too long. Keep mine
till we meet again. Best love to Harry and the kids.

Ever yours, TOM.

No. IV.
From Arthur Vivian to Mrs. Morton.

DEAR MRS. MORTON, I wired you this morning asking
you to do nothing about my umbrella. The fact is I have
found it at my rooms, and I am forced to the conclusion,
that I never took it with me to Dockington at all. I am;
awfully sorry to have given you all this trouble. It shall
be a lesson to me never to take my umbrella anywhere, or
rather never to think I 'vo taken it, when, as a matter of
fact, I haven't.

Yours always sincerely, ABTHUR VIVIAN,

No. V.
Telegram from Mrs. Morton to Arthur Vivian.

Too late. Sent off somebody's umbrella to you yesterday.
Please return it to me.

No. VI.

From Mrs. Morton to her Sister, Lady Compton.

. . . \Ye had a few friends at Dockington last week, not a
real party, but just a few old shoos Tom, Arthur Vivian
and the Dean of Marchester and Mrs. Dean. Since they
went away I 've had the most awful time with their um-
brellas. They all took away with them the wrong ones,
and then wrote to me to send them their right ones. Arthur
Vivian never brought one, and whose he took away I can't
say. In fact I 've been exposed to an avalanche of returning
umbrellas, and Parkins has spent all his time in doing up
the absurd things and posting them. He has just celebrated
his seventieth birthday, and these umbrellas have ruined j
what's left of his temper. Umbrellas still keep pouring !
in, and nobody ever seems by any chance to get the right i
one. It 's the most discouraging thing I 've ever been j
involved in. As far as I can make out the Dean's umbrella, I
is now in the trenches with Tom. If ever I have a party
at Dockington again I shall write, " No umbrellas by
request," on the invitations.

THE INN O THE SWORD.

A SONG OP YOUTH AND WAR.
ROVING along the King-'s highway

I met wi' a Eomany black.
"Good day," says I ; says he, " Good day,

And what may you have in your pack ? "
" ^' 1 ^' a sml 'V says I, " and a song of two

To make the road go faster."
He laughed : " Ye '11 find or the day he through
There 's more nor that, young master.
Oh, roving 's good and youth is sweet

And ! love is its own reward ;
But there 's that shall stay your careless feet
When ye come to the Sign o" the Sword."

'Riddle mo, riddlemaree," quoth I,

" Is a game that 's ill to win,
And the day is o'er fair such tasks to try "

Said ho, "Ye shall know at the inn."
With that he suited his path to mine

And we travelled merrily,
Till I was ware of the promised sign
And the door of an hostelry.

And the Romany sang, " To the very life

Ye shall pay for bed and board ;
Will ye turn aside to the House of Strife?
Will yo lodge at the Inn o' the Sword ?."

Then I looked at the inn 'twixt joy and fear,

And the Romany looked at me.
Said I, " We ha' come to a parting here

And I know not who you be."
But ho only laughed as I smote on the door:

" Go, take ye the fighting chance ;
Mayhap I once was a troubadour
In the knightly days of France.

Oh, the feast is set for those who dara
And the reddest o' wine outpoured ;
And some sleep sound after peril and cara
At the Hostelry of the Sword."

'For our " National Lent " the War Loan.

JANUARY 34, 1917.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

Pet of Hie Platoon. "I DIDN'T HALF TELL OFF OUR SERGEANT JUST HOW. I CALLED BUI A XNOCK-KSEED, PIGEON-TOED,

EYED MONKEY, AND SAID HE OUGHT TO GO TO A NIGHT-SCHOOL I"

Ecstatic Chorus. "AND WHAT DID HE SAY?"

Bill (after a pause). " WELL, AS A MATTER OP PAC', I DON'T THINK HE QUITE HEARD ME."

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)

WHEN the eminent in other brandies of art take to
literature, criticism must naturally be tempered with re-
spect. This is much how I feel after reading Sir WILLIAM
RICHMOND'S Tlie Silver Chain (PALMER AND HAYWABD).
Probably, however, I should have enjoyed it more had
not the publishers indulged in a wrapper-paragraph of
such unbounded eulogy. If anybody is to call this novel
" a work of great artistic achievement," and praise its
" philosophy, psychology, delightful sense of humour,
subtle analysis" and all the rest, I should prefer it to be
someone less interested in the wares thus pushed. For
my part I should be content to call The- Silver Chain by
no moans an uninteresting story, the work of a distinguished
man, obviously an amateur in the craft of letters, who
nevertheless has pleased himself (and will give pleasure to
others) by working into it many pen-pictures of scenes in
Egypt and Rome and Sicily, full of the glowing colour that
we should expect from their artist-author. But the tale
itself, the unrewarded love of the middle-aged " Philosopher "
for the not specially attractive heroine Mary, and the sub-
ordinate very Byronic romance of Herbert and Annunziata,
quito frankly recalls those early manuscripts that most
novelists must have burnt before they were quit of boyhood,
or preserved to smile over. Still, in those winter days,
when only Prime Ministers go to Rome (and then not to
bask) and Luxor is equidistant with the moon, you may

well find respite in a book so full of sunshine and memories
of happy places; but I am bound to repeat my warning that
your fellow-travellers will perhaps not be quite such stimu-
lating society as the publishers would have you expect.

Sir THEODORE COOK has already done sound work in
dealing with German methods, and in The Mark of tlie
Beast (MURBAY) he pursues his labours a step further. So
careful is he to give incontestable proofs for the charges ho
brings against the Huns that even the most anaemic
neutrals must find a difficulty in reading this volume without
recognising the truth. Especially he emphasizes the dan-
gers of peace-making with an enemy whose whole policy
and programme have been based on lies. And if he insists
many times and again upon this point he has his excuse
in the fact that some of us are so extraordinarily forgetful
and forgiving that we cannot be reminded too often of what
the future has in store for us if we do not now remember
the past, \\ith such an absolutely flawless case in his
hands I find myself wishing sometimes that Sir THEODORE
had been less prodigal of the denunciatory language which
he hurls at Teutonic heads. Not for a moment would I
suggest that the Hun does not deserve vituperation, but I
am inclined to think that a less violent manner of attack

[ is more effective. In his own way, however, Sir THEODORE
is inimitable, and I can pay no higher praise to his book

1 than to say that I know of no War-literature so admirably
calculated to make BETHM.VNN-HOLLWEQ (" more double
than his name ") really sorry for himself.

PUNCH, OU THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANUARY 24. IIU.7.

The War has not been lacking in fine memorials of the
dead. To what extent the Germans have commemorated
tho fallen I have no notion ; but in France and Italy
the papers constantly print tender and eloquent tributes,
usually to the young. And in England we have the same
thing too, touchingly, proudly and generously done. For the
most part such tributes are mere records, but now and then
they reconstruct ; and the most remarkable example of such
reconstruction to tho world at large, absolute creation
is the memoir of Charks Lister nDtrwm), which his
father, Lord RIBBLESDALE, and some devoted friends have,
with perfect biographical tact, prepared. But for CHARLES
LISTER'S untimely death, leading his men against the Turks
in July, 1915, most of the letters in this book would never
have been printed at all; for whatever his career might
have become and he was a man apart and bound for
distinction and however great a record were his, the
early years could not be
thus liberally illumined.
But since death decreed
that these early years
- he was not quite
twenty-eight when he
was wounded for the
third time and suc-
cumbedshould consti-
tute all his career, we

i have this notable and

J beautiful book. If one

[ had to put but a single

i epithet to it I should

i choose "radiant." At
Eton, at Balliol, at the
Embassies in Eorne and
Constantinople, and in
the Army, CHARLES
LISTER shed radiance.
All his many friends
testify to this. As for
his letters, they are clear
and gay and human ;
and they have also a

i sagacity that many Older

! and more determined
observers of life might
envy ; while that one to
Lady DESBOHOUOH upon the death of his great friend,
JULIAN GHENFELL, is literature. Every pago is interesting,
but some are far more than that ; and at the end one has
almost too moving a concept of an ardent idealistic English
gentleman met too late.

motto for tho whole book. It will have, I think, a warm
welcome from Sir HEBBBBT'S many friends and admirers,
oven should it turn out to be the case that somo of his plots
have been (in his own quaintly attractive phrase) "pro-
phetically plagiarised " by other writers. Certainly this
welcome will not bo lessoned by the knowledge that all
profits from the sale of the volume are to go to support a
cause that, to all who love the Stage, will bo far indeed
from not mattering the fund to supplement the incomes
of the wives and families of actors at the Front. You may
regard it therefore as the lightest of comedies played, like
so many others, in the cause of charity, and put down your
money with an approving conscience.

Let no one whoso heart has been touched beyond mere
vicarious pride in the achievement of our brothers-in-arms
at the gate of Paris allow

Tfoatrical Manager. "THIS WON'T DO, you KNOW. IT'S NOT A LAUGH
IT'S A YAWN! "
Poster Artist. "WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE YOU WERE nt SUCH A HUBBY

FOK THE SKETCH THAT YOU WOULDN'T GI7B ME TIME TO LET THIS IMPBESSION
OF THE PIIOK WEAK OFF."

himself to miss the detailed
narrative of HKNIU Du-
G\RD in The Battle of
Verdun (HUTCHINSON).
A good translation by
F. APPLE BY HOLT, ra-
ther exceptional in these
days of hurried convey-
ancing, does not detract
from tho vigour and
movement of the story.
We, who only saw the
long agony through the
medium of the always
inadequate and discreet
technicalities of the com-
muniqitds, could form no
real impression of the
kind of fighting or of
the results of each phase
of it. The author has
collected the accounts
or reports, so that the
strokes and counter-
strokes (for there was
nothing passive in this
siege) of the epic com-
bats round Douamont,
Fort Vaux, the Woevre,
Malancourt, Avocourt

At first sight, perhaps, Nothing Matters (GASSELL) may
sound to you a somewhat, shall 1 say, transatlantic title for
a book published in these days, when we are all learning
how enormously everything matters. But this emotion
will only last till you have read Sir HERBERT BEERIWHM
TREE'S disarming little preface. Personally, it left me
regretting only one thing in the volume (or, to be more
accurate, outside it), which was the design of its very un-
ornamental wrapper a lapse, surely, from taste, for which
it would probably bo quite unfair to blame the writer of
what lies within. This is almost all of it excellent fooling,
and includes a brace of longish short-stories (rather in tho
fantastic style of brother MAX) ; some fugitive pieces that
you may recall as they flitted through the fields of
journalism ; with, for stiffening, a reprint of tho author's
admirable lecture upon "The Importance of Humour in
Tragedy." This is a title that you may well take as a

and the Morb Homme are intelligibly reconstructed. Com-
ment in the form of personal anecdotes of individual heroism
is added. Perhaps the most illuminating touch is in the letter
of poor Feldwebel KARL GARTNER, which was to have been
despatched to his mother by a friend going on leave, so as
to escape tho Censor's eye. It began in a mood of robusti-
ous confidence and ended (or rather was interrupted by
GARTNER'S capture) on the most despairing note. And this
was seven mouths before the most brilliant counter-attack
in the history of the War slammed the door once for
all in the face of the enemy.

"Tho scheme of utilising vacant spaces in London is being taken
up enthusiastically in the provinces." Evening Standard.

At the same time the scheme of utilising vacant spaces in the
provinces is being welcomed with similar enthusiasm in
London.

" Vigorous complaints against tho proposal to establish an overhead
electric system of tramways in Edinburgh wore made this afternoon.

Lord Strathclyde declared that the overhead wires proposal had
electrified the citizens." Scottish Paper.

There must be something seriously wrong with the
insulation.

JANUARY 31, 1917.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

CHARIVARIA.

THE birth-rate in Berlin, it appears,
is considerably lower thin year than
can quite understand this
to being bom a German

last. We
reluctance
just now.

Tho official German films of the
Battle of the Somino prove beyond

doubt that if it had
Allies the Germans
this battle.

not been for the
would have won

The German military authorities have
declined to introduce bathless
days. Ablution, it appears, is
one of the personal habits that
the Teuton does not pursue to

a vicious excess.

* *

Some congestion of traffic is
being experienced by the Mid-
land Railway owing to the ! j
publicity given by the FOOD- f
CONTROLLER to the Company's
one - and - ninepenny luncheon i
basket. Many people are find- \
ing it more economical to
chase a return ticket
Midlands and lunch
train than to go, as formerly,
to one of the regular tea-shops.

U.S. Navy as " colossally inferior" to
those submitted by a British firm.
Tho explanation is of course that the
former aro primarily designed to enforce
universal peace.

*_*

A Leicestershire farmer who applied
for alien enemies to assist in farm-work
was supplied with three Hungarians
a jeweller, a hairdresser and a tailor.
His complaint is, wo understand, that
while he wanted his land to bo well-
dressed he didn't want it overdone.
* *

A widely -known nocturnal pleasure

An egg four - and- a- half
inches long and eight inches
round has been laid by a hen
at Houthover, Lewes. It is
understood that a proposal by
the FOOD - CONTROLLER that
this standard should be adopted
as the compulsory minimum
for the duration of the War is
mooting with some opposition
from Mr. PUOTHERO.

^-tiPpf^

&jjz?''~ w

;j;jy^**':'-'

" We must all be prepared
to make sacrifices," says the
lli'flnii'i- Titiji-liliitt. We under- __
stand that, acting upon this advice,
M'\enil high command officers have vol-
unteered to sacrifice the CBOWN PIUNCE.

rose-garden by a doctor in Ka.sk Essex.
Tho general idea is not new, though it
is more usual to plant a rose-garden
round your pig-sty, as a corrective.

* *

It is pointed out by an evening
paper that the official prohibition of
"fishing, washing and bat.hing" in the
St. James's Park pond is superfluous,
as the pond was dried up two years ago.
In view of the exceptional severity of
the weather the authorities will shortly
replace the offending notice by another
merely prohibiting skating.

* *

Lord ROBERT CECIL has ex-
pressed his willingness to con-
sider proposals for the reform
of the British Consular service.
The suggestion, however, that
not more than seventy - five
per cent, of our Consular re-
presentatives should be natives
of Germany and the countries
of her Allies seems a little too
drastic.

" Without proficiency with
the gloves a man cannot make
a really ideal soldier," said
Lieut.-Col. SINCLAIR THOMSON
to the Inns of Court O.T.C.
On the other hand we still
'' have a number of distinguished
soldiers who before the War
attached paramount import-
ance to their cuffs, collars and
ties.

NATURE'S TACTLESS MIMICRY.

CURIOUS ATTITCDE ASSUMED BY TREKS IN A DISTRICT
OCCCPIED BY THE GERMANS.

The Dublin Corporation has decided

pay

full salaries from the date of

their leaving work to those employees
who until recently have been held under
arrest for participation in the Siun Fein
rebellion. The idea of making them a
grant for Kit and Field allowances has
not yet come under consideration.
* *

German travellers, says a news item,
are forbidden to take flowers with them
into Austria. It is intended that the
funeral shall 1x5 a quiet one.
*,*

Mr. DANIELS describes the shells
made bv American factories for the

resort makes the announcement that
it is still open for business, the action
of the Court having only deprived it
of the right to sell intoxicating liquors.
We fear it will be a case of Humid
without the familiar spirit.

" Wo are not war-weary but war-har-
dened," said Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL
in a recent address. Germany, we are
happy to state, is war-weary and will
soon be Maximilian-Hardened.

ff '.:

The question as to whether war
serves any useful purpose has been
settled once for all. " Tho War has pro-
vided many incidents for this revue,"
says a stage paper of a new production.

A pi-i-sby has

*,.*
been

erected in his

use of luminous paint
is being widely advocated with
the view of mitigating the dan-
gers arising from the darkened
streets. It is pointed out that
j the use of luminous language
j has already proved of extreme
; value in critical situations.

* *

" You must shorten sail,"
Chairman of the Henley
to an employer who was

said the

Tribunal

said to have an indoor staff of thirteen

servants. As a beginning he proposes

to take a reef in the butler.

It appears that a reduction in the
sale of chocolate will adversely affect
the cinema. " All my young lady
patrons,'' says a manager, "require
chocolate in the cinema." It is feared
that they will have to go back to the
old - fashioned plan of chewing the

corner of the programme.

: *

At Hull, the other day, a tram-car
dashed into a grocer's shop. No
blame attaches, we understand, to the
driver, who sounded his gong three
times.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANUARY 31, 1917.

TO THE GERMAN MILITARY PICTURE
DEPARTMENT.

[The encijiy, in his turn, is exhibiting a film of the fighting on the
Soiumo. At the close a statement is thrown upon the screen to the
effect that the Germans have " reached the appointed goal."]

ON footer fields two goals are situated,

One, as a rule, at either end :
This for attack (in front) is indicated,

And this (to rearward) you defend ;
In your remark projected on the screen
You don't say which you mean.

If vou refer to ours in that ambiguous
And filmy phrase, why then you lie ;

And if to yours we hope to be contiguous
To our objective by-and-by,

But for the present, though the end is sure,
Your statement 's premature.

In fact to follow up the sporting image

In which you " reach the appointed goal "-
With many a loose and many a tight-packed scrim-
mage

Forward and back the fVght will roll,
Ere with a shattering rush we cross your lino
(This represents the 'Rhine).

Meanwhile, when you observe your team is tiring,
And wish the call of Time were blown,

To Mr. WILSON, where he stands umpiring
Gratuitously on his own,

You'll look (as drowning men will clutch a straw)
To make the thing a draw.

Pity you 've broken all the rules, for this '11
Spoil WOODHOW'S programme when at last,

Not having checked those breaches with his whistle,
He wants to blow the final blast ;

Time will be called, I fancy, when the score

Suits us, and not before. O. S.

HEART-TO-HEART TALKS.

(The KING or THE HELLENES and the RAISES :
On the Telephone.)

The King. HALLOA ! Are you there ? Halloa, halloa ! Are
you there, I say?

The Kaiser. All right, all right. Who 's talking ?

The King. KING CONSTANTINE. I want a word with the
KAISER.

The Kaiser. Ha, TINO, it 's you, is it ? Fire away.

The King. Is that you, WILLIE ?

The Kaiser. Yes ; what do you want '? I haven't too
much time.

The King. I say, the most awful thing has happened.
The Allies have sent me an Ultimatum.

The Kaiser. A what?

The King. An Ultimatum.

The Kaiser. I say, old man, you really must speak louder
and more plainly. I can't hear a word you say.

The King. The Allies have sent mo an ULTIMATUM ! !
Did you hear that time?

The Kaiser. Yes, most of it.

The King. W r cll.

The Kaiser. Well.

The King. What do you think about it ?

The Kaiser. Not very much. Lots of other people have
had ultimatums and haven't been one pfennig the worse
for them.

The King. Oh, but this is the very last thing in ulti-
matums. It 's a regular ultimatissimum.

The Kaiser. What do they want you to do?

The King. All sorts of disagreeable things. For instance,
I am to move my troops to the Peloponnese, so as to get
them out of harm's way.

The Kaiser. Well, move them. What are troops for
except to be moved about? You can always move them
back again, you know. I keep on moving troops forward
and backward all the time. It '3 a mere nothing when
you onco get accustomed to it. Just you try it and see.
Anything more ?

The King. Yes ; I 'in to release from prison the followers
of the pestilential VENIZELOS.

The Kaiser. That 's unpleasant, of course, for a patent
Greek War- Lord ; but I should tlo it if I were you, and
then you can let me know how it feels.

The King, Look here, William, I don't know what 's the
matter with you, but I wish you wouldn't try to be so
funny. You seern to think the whole affair 's a sort of
German joke. So it is, by Zeus that 's to say it 's no joke
at all.

The Kaiser. Manners, TINO, manners.

The King. I 'm sick and tired of all this talk.

The Kaiser. If you go on like that I shall not talk to you
any more.

The King. Don't say that ; I could not bear such a loss.
But, seriously, are you going to help as you promised?

The Kaiser. I cannot help you now. You must play
for time.

The King. I 've exhausted all the possibilities of playing
for time. It wouldn't be the least good. They really mean
it this time, and they 've given me a strictly limited period
for compliance.

The Kaiser. Well, I suppose you know best, but I should
have thought you could have spun out negotiations for a
hit given them a little promise here and a little promise
there on the chance of something turning up.

The King. The long and the short of it is that you
promised to help us, but it was only a little promise here
or there, and you don't mean to keep it. I shall accept the
ultimatum.

The Kaiser. The what? The telephone's buzzing again.

The King. The ULTIMATUM ! !

The Kaiser. Oh, the ultimatum. Yes, by all means
accept it. And, by the way, I 'm publishing a volume of
my War-speeches, and will make a point of sending you an
early copy. You might get it reviewed in the Athens
papers.

The King. Gr-r-r.

Our Helpful Government.

"Don't grow potatoes where they will not grow. OFFICIAL
ADVICE." Daily ExpretS.

Journalistic Modesty.

"The sale of yesterday's Christmas Number of the Daily Gazette
already exceeds that of last year's Christmas Number by more than
50 per cent. The sell is still going on actively."

Daily Gazette (Karachi).

" Yes, I think we have it at last I mean tho stranglehold round
(he enemy's neck. I seem to hear tho death rattle in his guttural
throat." Sunday Pictorial.

And to see the glazing of his ocular eyes.

' ' Had you shut your eyes the opening night at the Opera you might
have fancied yourself back at Coveut Garden, London, for the types
of well-turned-out men out-Englished tho English, from top hat to
varnished boot." American Paper.
That 's the worst of varnished boots ; they will creak so.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. JANUARY 31, 1917.

UNMADE IN GERMANY.

BETHMAXN-HOI.LWKU. "AND TO THINK THAT I, WHO DEFENDED THE VIOLATION OP
BELGIUM, SHOULD HAVE MY HONESTY DOUBTED. SURELY I AM FRIGHTFUL ENOUGH."

[The KAISEB'S Chancellor has been attacked in a German pamphlet which ridicules his " silly ideas of humanity," and says that
" nobody need bo surprised at this rumour which is goiug through Germany that he has been bought by England."]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[.JANUARY 31, 1917.

Sergeant (after bringing his men to attention, to knock-kneed recruit).

THE COMMAND 'STAN 1 AT EASE 1 IS TO MOVE YEll BLIKKIK* "ASDS."

' WELL, THAT wiss IT, Ko. 4. ALL \ui 'YE GOT TO DO ON

THE WATCH DOGS.

LV.

Mv DEAR CHABLES, Notwithstand-
ing the reckless speed of the leave train
and the surfeit of luxuries and lack of
company on the leave boat, our gallant
warriors continue to volunteer in thou-
sands for that desperate enterprise
known as " Proceeding on leave to the
U.K." There is however a certain
artfulness in the business, if only art-
fulness for artfulness' sake.

In the old days the ingenuity of man
was concentrated upon extending by
any means short of the criminal the
duration of the leave. When Robert
first went on leave ho was young and
innocent. He had four days given
him ; he loft his unit on tho first of
them and was back with it on the last of
them. The second time he improved
on this and left France very early on
the morning of his first day and arrived
in France again very late on the last
night of it. Then his friend John re-
garded his leave as beginning and
ending in England, which, if the leave
boat happens to be in mid-Channel at
midnight, is not a distinction without
a difference. Robert's next leave was
for seven days, and he spent nine of
them in the U.K. His explanation
was logically unassailable, but logic is

wasted on military authorities ; after
that, leave got fixed at ten days net,
ten days of the inelastic sort.

Give a man an inch and he '11 take
an ell; give him an ell and lie is no
man if he doesn't improve even on that.
Moreover, how is one to nil in the
dismal vacuum subsequent on the re-
turn from one leave otherwise than by
the discussion of subtle schemes for the
betterment of the next leave ? The
duration of it having assumed a cast-
iron rigidity, it only remained to im-
prove the manner of travelling to and
fro. John ferreted about anil became
aware of the existence of a civilian
train to the port and of a Staff boat to
the other port. He worked up a friend-
ship with a Fonetionnaire do Chemin
| de Fer, and took the civilian train ; lio
I made a very natural, if very regrettable,
j mistake on the quay, and crossed in
the Staff boat. lie was able to repeat
the friendship and the mistake on the
! return journey, and had therefore every
I reason to be proud of his efforts. Never-
! theless he firmly decided to say nothing
' about it to anybody lest the idea should
1 get overworked. But he told Robert
in confidence, and Robert told a lot of
other people, also in confidence, and
the idea did get overworked and is now
! (vide General Routine Orders, passim)
1 unworkable.

There wiis still scope however for
I Robert's ingenuity next time. There
| are other ways of getting to ports than
i by train. Why hold aloof from Motor
Transport Drivers of the A.S.C. or be
| above making a personal friend or two
| among them ? And if Orders limit the
use of cars to officers of very senior
rank, why be too proud to take a Colonel
about with you ? If when you get to
the quay the leave boat wants you, but
you don't want it, and if you want the
Staff boat and it doesn't want you, it 's
no use arguing about it. You sulk
unostentatiously in the background
until both boats are full, and then you
state a piteous case of urgent family
affairs to tho right officer, to find your-
self eventually crossing with the com-
fort-loving civilians in their special
boat. Robert was entirely satisfied
with the way ho wangled it, but, mean-
ing to wangle it again in a few months'
time, he decided to tell no one about it,
not even John. But he did tell John
as soon as he saw him, and John told
the world. Thus, a further series of
G. R. O.'s got written, published, and
very carefully brought to the attention
of all ranks.

The earth having become full of free
booklets containing watertight rules
and regulations for keeping officers to
the straight and narrow path to tho

JAM-AUY 31, 1917.]

IM'NCIf, OR T1IK LONDON rilAlUVAIU.

7:1

' WONDER 'ow THE NAVY'S OETTUJ' ON."
' Dusso. AIN'T SEES 'EM ABOUT IRATELY."

U.K., and the roads, railway-!, quays '
and gangways being policed with !
stalwarts whom it is impossible toj
circumvent and uuwiso to push into
tho sea, tlio only remaining resource is j
to apply to the Oflicer in Charge. I
am told, at first hand, that there is as
much variety in the reasons urged in
support of applications as there is in
the manner of the applicants. They
attempt to molt him witli piteous tales
of their future in England, to shame
him with gruesome pictures of their
recent past in France, to hustle him
with emergencies or special duties, or
to bully him with dark references to
unseen powers. I had a list of thorn
from an M.L.O. himself, who was
highly suspicious even of mo, until he
understood that I only wanted one
thing in tho world, and that was some-
one interesting to talk to while I waited
for the leave boat to sail. Instance
after instance he gave mo of the low
cunning of my species, to all of which,
as I ventured to guess, he had proved
himself equal. In the circumstances,
as he said, this might suggest some
hardness of heart on his part, but I

readily agreed, was even the first to
state, that there was no one in the
wide world more anxious to assist our
irrepressibles when bent on their hard-
earned holiday. But he just couldn't do
it. I put it for him that he was but
the powerless and insignificant agent
of an authority greater than himself.

To that he said "Yes, and No,"
always, I think, a safe answer. True,
ho had his duty to perform, and right
well he performed it, we agreed. 15ut
he had also his powers, his responsi-
bilities might he say, his scope '.' Yet,
I gathered, there were things which, not
being entirely master of himself and
his affairs, he could not do. Take my
own case, for example. I suggested
(very cautiously) that it would requiic
a very much greater authority than
himself to give relief to an ordinary
person like myself, with no stronger
reason to travel by the civilian boat
than that my whole financial future
and domestic happiness depended upon
my doing so. lie said nothing to
that ; I gave him but a very little
chance. 1 said that I knew quite well
that ho would help mo if he could.

We were unanimous as to the kindness
of his heart, It was because I quite
realixed that he couldn't that I didn't
ask him or think of asking him. Very
soon after that we parted, I to sail for
England but not by the leave boat.

Alas! for the weakness of human
nature. I am no stronger nor more
able to he secretive than Robert, John
and the rest of the brethren. I bragged ;
and now I 'in told there is a printed
posted outside that ll.L.O.'s
office, making it a crime punishable with
death for any oflicer proceeding on
leave to converse or attempt to enter
into conversation with the M.L.O.

The only other thing I have to men-
tion to you, Charles, upon this subject,
is the application of a very earnest
young lieutenant, who, I 'in sure, would
always obey all rules and regulations,
both in letter and spirit, with scrupulous
regard. His application is worth setting
out in full : " I have the honour to
apply for leave to tho United Kingdom
to get married from January 9th to
January l^th inclusive."

Yours ever,

HENRY.

PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANUARY 31, 1917.

THREE AUGUSTS.

A WAR-TIME DRAMA.
ACT I.

,1 room in Mary Gray's flat in the West

End^ August, 191 1.

There is a door n., leading into the hall.
There is also a door L., but it only
leads into a cupboard that Mary mi %
needs.

Marmaduke Beltravors, a well-dressed
man of thirty-five, is standing by a
small table pressing his suit (his
matrimonial suit, of course), but with-
out success. His bold black eyes are
flashing. Mary's lovely face (by an
ingenious manipulation of the lime-
light) is quivering.
Marmaduke Beltravers (hoarsely). I
have laid at your feet my hand, my
heart and my nourishing business, and
thus thus I am supplanted by thai
puling saint, George Jeffreys. A-ha !
[Gnaws his moustache

Enter George Jeffreys, an English

gentleman.

George Jeffreys (furiously). You here?

You hound ! You blackguard ! You . . .

Mary (realising that this is going in

be no place for a lady). The butcher

I know his ring. [Exit by door K.

G. J. (pointing fiercely to cupboard).

Go !

M. B. (going). Bah ! You triumph
now, but my day will dawn yettah.
(Starts.) What was that?

Newsboy (outside). War with Ger-
many ! War with Germany !
J}. J. War ? Then I am a pauper.
[He does not say how, but presumably

he knows best.

M. B. (ceasing to go). My day has
dawned nou\
G. J. How so ?

M. B. Your c >nscience calls you, does
it not, to enlist ? (George nods.) I have
no conscience. While you fight I shall
continue to press my suit.

G. J. (despairingly to himself). Alas !
what chance will that sweet girl have
against his dark saturnine beauty and
his wealth? (Aloud, hopefully, as a
thought strikes him) But stay war
with Germany perhaps you are a
pauper also ?

M. B. Not I, indeed. I am a maker
of munitions. A-ha !

[2'wirls his moustache.
G. J. (losing his lender). Cur!
[Exit, to enlist, into cupboard. Before
he has time to realise his mistake
the curtain falls.

ACT II.

Hyde Park, August, 1915.
A dozen energetic supers, by being ex-
tremely glad to see one another very
many times, are creating the illusion

of a gay and fashionable throng.

Enter Marmaduke Beltravers ivith

Mary. She is distraite.

M. B. (in full hearing of fashionable
throng). Darling, I have waited pa-
tiently for you. Say that you will
marry me now.

Mar;/. Marmaduko, you are rich, you
are beautiful and you are kind to mo
in your rather wicked way. But, alas !
I cannot forget the noble figure of
George my George. [Site sobs.

Enter George Jeffreys, in the uniform

of a private.
G. J. Mary !

M. B. (intervening jauntily). Well,
my man ?

G. J. (his vocabulary strengthened by
Army life). You dash blank blighter!
You ruddy plague-spot !

Mary (gazing at him with horror').
Oh, George, those clothes don't
fit ! [Sobs heartbrokenly.

M. B. (striking while the iron is hot).
Mary, you shall chooso between us,
here and now.

G. J. (yearningly). Mary, with you
to cheer me on I will win the V.C.
I swear it. My beloved, come with
me ; there will be a separation allow-
ance.

Mary (shuddering). Not in those
trousers. I can't.
[She sivoons in Marmaduke's arms.
George raises his fist to strike Mar-
maduke. Enter Sergeant Tompkins.
Sergt.T. 'Ere, none o' that. Private
Jeffreys, 'SHUN ! Eight TURN ! About
TURN! Left TURN! Quick MARCH!
[Exit George to ivin V.C.
CURTAIN.

ACT III.

Marmaduke's Mansion in Park Lane,
August, 1916.

[Enter Mary Beltravers (nee Gray),
unhappy.

Mary. My little dog my only friend
I cannot find him. (She rummages
absently among the papers on Iter hus-
band's desk. Suddenly she snatches up a
document, reads it through and clutches
at her throat.) My husband a Ger-
man ser-py! (Site turns savage];/ on
Marmaduke, who has just entered.) So
this this is the source of our wealth !
Your munitions arm our enemies. You
play the German game.

M. B. (simply). I do. I have a birth
qualification.

Mary (wildly). But I'll thwart you;
I '11 denounce you (seizes telephone).
You shall rue the day you married a
true daughter of England.

M. B. (with sinister significance). Re-
member, Mary, " to lovo, honour and
OBEV." Put down that instrument.

[Wiih a gesture of despair she lets, the
receiver fall, thus driving the girl at ,

SEASONABLE NOVELTIES.
THE enterprise of the London and
North -Western Railway officials, in
designing a button to obviate delays
at the gate caused by the new show-
your-season order, has (we understand)
spurred other lines to a similar in-
genuity. Below are some of the latest
novelties in ticket-substitutes.

THE POM-POM. May bo worn in any
variety of hat. Very suitable for short
travellers. A simple inclination of the
bead permits verification by the in-
spector. Made in two shades dark
green, covering any distance up to
twenty-five miles of town, or red (as
worn by anarchists and the staff of the
L. & S.W.B.), co/ering a journey up to
fifty miles.

UMBRELLA AND STICK Tors, unscrew-
ahle, faced with plate-glass, permitting
the insertion of a ticket, and its easy
verification on being thrust under the
nose of an official. Special quality

the exchange nearly frantic. Sud-
denly the door is thrown open. Enter
Captain George Jeffreys with Ser-
geant-Major Tompkins and squad
of soldiers.

G. J. Marmaduke Beltravers, n&
Ileinrich Hoggenheimer, the game
is up. (Marmaduke dashes to the win-
dow. The dozen supers outside raise a
howl of execration mingled with cries
of " Lynch the spy ! ") You see, there
is no way of escape.

M. B. (drawing revolver). You shall
not long enjoy your triumph. I have
but one cartridge, but perchance it will
be enough for you.
[Pulls trigger, but finds action rather \

stiff.

G. J. Look out, Mary ! These things
ara rather tricky in inexperienced hands.
[Marmaduko succeeds inputting trig-
ger. There, is a violent cx2)losion
and a large hole appears in George's
breeches.

G. J. (calmly to the baffled Marma-
duke). Bad luck ! That 's my cork one.
I lost the original when I got this.

[Touches V.C. pinned on his breast.
M. B. (annoyed). Curse, and curse
again !

[Gnawing his moustache he falls in
with squad.

Sergt.-Major T. Prisoner and escort,
'SHUN! Stand at EASE. 'SHUN. Move
to the right in fours. Form FOURS.
RIGHT. By the left, quick MARCH.
[Exeunt, leaving Mary in George's
amis. The howls of execration re-
double. Then there is a tense silence,
broken by the sound of a volley.
Gecrje. Mary, my own ! At last !
Mary. My hero.

CURTAIN.

JANUARY :t1, 1917.]

IT NCI I. <)l! THE LONDON CIIAR1VAIM.

! C'.O. "I TELL YOU WHAT.

riKRKOT."

REAL PROBLEMS AT THE FRONT.

Mi; A MAS WHO CAS COOK CUTLETS DECENTLY, AND YOU SMALL HAVE OCR SECOND-BEST

fitted with small electric bulb for even-
ing wear.

For those who desire a really striking
mid chic novelty, that up-to-date lino,
the Great Eccentric, is reported to have
engaged a stall' of export tattoo artists,
who will puncture the date and desig-
nation of the pass upon the left cheek
of the holder. Being not only elegant
in design but practically irremovable,
these markings will form a permanent
and increasingly interesting meniLMito
of the Great War. Price according to
distance and lettering.

Tactless.

" TiiAXKsi.n INC. SERVICE on SumLi\ . Kcl>-

rnavy 18th, Canon "s last day as Vicar

of ." Midland ]',

Another Glimpse of the Obvious.

"There is very general agreement in bank-
ing circles in the City as to the satisfactory
character of the response which has already
been made to the now War Loan, but good
though it has been, the total must still be
small compared with the need, and must fall
infinitely short of the figure aimed at, whiVh.
of course, is unlimited." Sunday Times.

THE SMILE OF VICTORY.

[According to Router's Washington Cor-
respondent, women sufTragists have of late
regularly picketed the White House. When
President WILSON appears " they deploy so
that he cannot fail to see their banners. The
President smiles broadly and passes on."]

THOUGH LODGE in the Senate makes

critical speeches
And .ROOSEVELT belligerent heresy

preaches,
Though Sufl'nigi'-.t pickets keep guard

at its portals-
Undismayed and unshaken the PRESI-
DENT chortles.

He " smiles " at them " broadly '' and

then hurries off
To type a new Note, or perhaps to play

golf;
And, while studying closely his putts,

to explore
The obscurity shrouding the roots of

the War.

To cope with cnirrgoncy once in a

way
Is nothing to facing it every day :

And that 's where the PRESIDENT'S

greatness is seen,
He's consistently cheerful and calm

and serene.

O happy idealist ! Others may weep
At the crimes and the horrors that

murder their sleep ;
You 've two perfect specifics your cares

to beguile
An oracular phrase, an implacable smile.

"A fourth headmaster wanted to know
' who would liev at Yorb when he could live
at Bournemouth?' " Morning Paper.

The answer is " Because there 's a ' b '
both.

"Terrible as this war has been, Mr. Hodge
sees that if it had not come Great Britain's
imagination. As the hypnotised goat is fate
would have been miserable beyond swallowed
by the boat-constrictor, so Great Britain would
have been absorbed by Germany."

Evening Paper.

With a little rearrangement we can
gather the general drift of the para-
graph. But "boat-constrictor" puzzles
us. Is it a new kind of submarine ?

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANUARY 31. 1917.

OUR LAND-WORKERS.

Mabel (discussing a turn for the village Red Cross Concirt). "WHAT AUOUT GETTING OUESELVES CP AS GIRLS?'
Ethel. "Yes BUT HAVE WE THE CLOTHES FOB IT?"

THE INFANTRYMAN.

THE gunner rides on horseback, he lives in luxury,

The sapper has his dug-out as cushy as can be,

The ilying man 's a sportsman, but his homo 's a long way
back,

In painted tent or straw-spread barn or cosy little shack ;

Gunner and sapper and flying man (and each to his job,
say I)

Have tickled the Hun with mine or gun or bombed him
from on high,

But the quiet work, and the dirty work, since ever the Wai-
began

Is the work that never shows at all, tho work of the
infantryman.

The guns can pound the villages and smash the trenches in,
And the Hun is fain for home again when the T.M.B.'s

begin,

And the Vickera gun is a useful one to sweop a parapet,
But the real work is the work that 's done with bomb and

bayonet.
Load him down from heel to crown with tools and grub

and kit,
He 's always there where the fighting is he 's there unless

he 's hit ;

Over the mud and the blasted earth he goes where the

living can ;
He's in at the death while he yet has breath, the British

infantryman !

Trudge and slip on the shell-hole's lip, and fall in the cling-
ing mire

Steady in front, go steady ! Close up there ! Mind tho wire !

Double behind where the pathways wind ! Jump clear of
the ditch, jump clear!

Lost touch at the back? Oh, halt in front ! and duck when
the shells come near !

Carrying parties all night long, all day in a muddy trench,

With your feet in the wet and your head in the rain and
the sodden khaki's stench !

Then over the top in the morning, and onward all you can

This is the work that wins the War, the work of the
infantryman.

Where is the Censor ?

" A woman has been fined 10 for chipping lyddite out of a shell
which had been over-filled by means of a screwdriver."

Evening Paper.

We protest against our newspapers being allowed to
nform the enemy in this way of our methods of filling
shells.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAMVARI. JANUARY 31, 1017.

A DEAD FROST.

PRESIDENT PIT..MALION WILSON. "THE DURNED THING WONT COME TO LIFE I"

PUNCH, OR

LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANUARY 31, 1917.

'I SAY, SOMEONE'S STOLEN MY CAR ! "

DEAR ME! IT WAS A NEW ONE, WASN'T iy?"

'Yes. BUT I DON'T MIND THE CAR; THERE WAS A TIN OP PETROL IN THE BACK."

OUE NEW ARMY OF WOMEN.
From Adjutant to O.C. A Company.

Your return of trained Bombers not
yet to band. Please expedite.

(Did you see O.C. B Company's hat
at church parade last Sunday ? Isn't
it positively the outside edge ?)

ELIZABETH TUDOR JONES,
Mrs. and Adjutant.

Second-Lieut. Darling to Adjutant.

I should be obliged if I could have
leave from next Tuesday, as otherwise
I shall not be able to attend the sales,
and my Sam Browne is quite the
dowdiest in the whole battalion.
JOAN DARLING,

Second-Lieut.

O.C. Signallers to Quartermaster.

Lance-Corporal Flapper of this sec-
tion has been charged for bottle, scent,
one. In view of the fact that this
N.C.O. has not been supplied with
bottle since joining this unit I take it
that such will be a free issue.

EMMA PIPP,

Lieut.

O.C. A Company to Quartermaster.

Please note fact that the boots, khaki
suede uppers, pair, one, issued yester-
day to 21537 Private B. Prig, are not
supplied with regulation Louis-Quinze
heels. The boots are therefore here-
with returned.

BOADICEA BLUNT.

Capt. O.C. A Coy.

assembles at these Headquarters on

January 31st for the purpose of inquir-

\ ing into the circumstances whereby box,

! powder, face, one, on charge of this unit,

| became used up suddenly. The Quarter-

' master will arrange for the necessary

; witnesses to attend, and the proceed -

' ings will be forwarded to the Adjutant

in triplicate.

From O.C. B Company to
O.C. D Company.

Herewith A. F. 26511, with cheque
for pay of 2773, Private O. Jones, B
Company, attached D Company, for
your attention and necessary action,
please.

(Have you heard the absolutely latest '?
The Major is engaged, and she has \
asked O.C. C Company and the Quarter-
master to be bridesmaids ! Not that I
wanted to take it on. But think of
poor dear O.C. C ! Won't she look
too-too ? MILDRED NORTON,

Capt. O.C. B Coy.

From Adjutant to Lieut. S. 0. Marshall.

Please note that you are detailed as
a member of a Board of Survey, which

Our Military Experts,
'The invasion of Switzerland ... if ac-
complished rapidly and with luck, would
involve a threat to the French left and to the
communications with Italy."

Pall Mall Gazette.

Our own Military Expert is of opinion
that the invasion of Holland would in
very much the same way threaten the
British right and our communications
with Scotland.

" The use of barklcss dogs, sougless cats and
whispering parrots is advocated in Phila-
delphia, following on recent announcements
from the battlefields of Europe that ' brayless '
mules have been perfected for trench and
other battle-front labours by a simple opera-
tion on the nostrils and the nerves affecting
the vocal cords." Daily Paper.

Why not speechless Presidents '?

JAXUAKY 31, 1917.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON" CHARIVARI.

NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN.

(SECOND SKKIKS.)

XVI.

MAHYI.KHONK.

Mury Lcl)ono

She gets no meat,
She never lias anything

Nice to eat ;
A supper fit

For a clog alone
Is all the faro

Of poor Mary Lebone.
She squats by the corner

Of Baker Street
And snuffs the air

So spicy and sweet
When the Bakers are baking

Their puddings and pies,
Their buns and their biscuit ,

And Banburies
A tart for Jocolyn

A cake for Joan,
And nothing at all

For poor Mary Lebone !

XVII.

SCOTLAND YARD.
" How long 's the Yard in Scotlai d '.'

Till me that now, Mother."
" Six-and-thirty inches, Daughter,

Just like any other."
" O isn't it thirty-five, Mother? "

" No more than thirty-seven."
" Then the bonny lad that sold me plaid

Will never get to heaven."

EDVVAED.

Edward has red hair, a robust ap-
p'.'H ranee, and a free-and-easy way with
him. His free-and-easy way shows
itself chiefly in his habit of smiling
upon and waving his hand to all those
whom ho encounters on his daily walks.
Ho is talkative at times, but his voca-
bulary is limited. In my opinion it is
limited to one word, though his mother
can distinguish several words, or says
so. She must have a very much keener
ear than I have or a less rigid regard
for the truth.

You will have guessed that Edward
is under military age. To be exact,
it is thirteen months since ho first
saw the light in this troubled world.
Not that the world is a troubled one to
Edward ; on the contrary.

Edward takes his daily walks in his
perambulator upon the sea -front of
his native town. His free-and-easy
way has secured him a large circle of
acquaintance there. Elderly gentle-
men stop and speak to him, which ho
likes, so long as they do not pat his
cheek, a habit far too prevalent among
elderly gentlemen. Mothers of other
babies are loud in his praises, though

Passenger. "I HEAR THEY 'BE THINKING OP ELECTRIFYING THIS PABT OF THE LINE."
Porter. "Ay; THEY 'BE ALLVS UP TO SOME DAFT GAME. THEY'LL BE ELECTRIFYING

US NEXT."

in their hearts they are probably com-
paring him unfavourably with their
own offspring. Altogether Edward has
a cheery life.

Upon a certain day Edward fell in
with a very little man so little indeed,
that most people would have called
him a dwarf. He was walking in the
same direction as Edward, and over-
taking him, and Edward waved his
hand and smiled and waved again.

For a while the little man ignored
these overtures. But at length ho felt
obliged to return them, and remarked
to Kate, who propels the perambulator,
"Seems friendly like;" to which Kate
replied, " Oh, he always waves to
everyone."

Now the majority of people would
have been rather repelled by that re-
mark. For myself I may say that,
though Edward always smiles when
we meet, I do not greatly value it

because I know he smiles in the samo
way upon everyone else.

But it was not so with tho little
man. To be classed with " everyone,"
to be placed by Edward on an equality
with the strong and graceful, sent a
warm glow to his heart.

So Edward, in his free-and-easy
fashion, had, like the boy-scouts, done
one good deed that day.

" Tho system of women and girls acting as
field labourers, ploughing and shepherding,
etc., in itself produces a rough stato of
society." Country Life.

However this roughness is to bo cor-
rected, as we see by the following :

"ARRANGEMENTS FOR TO-DAY.

Class in Elementary Polish begins, King's
College, 6." The Times.

Splendid! These colleges think of
everything.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANUARY 31, 1917.

OUR CORRESPONDENCE COLLEGE.

So much good has notoriously been
done during the great conflict by letters
to the Press that Mr. Punch, recog-

of the solar system Value of iteration ] able than the spectacle, which every
and undauntability. hour of the day and night affords, of

(young and vigorous men made up to
jlook like grandfathers. I am told that

IV. Range of Subject.
Every stick useful in beating dogs-

the theatrical costumiers and perru-
quiers are worn to a shadow by the
overwork which these contemptible
shirkers have subjected them to, and I
call on you to use your powerful influ-

nising the importance of having this Nothing too trivial to yoke with such
branch of War- work taught to the words as "scandal" and "outrage"
young, has engaged a gentleman of Suspicion and mistrust the letter-
ample leisure and few responsibilities, writer's life-blood Necessity for be-

who hides behind the nom de guerre \ lieving everyone in office negligent or j ence to stop it. I am credibly informed
" Paterfamilias," to deliver a series of ' corrupt Reasons why it is better to \ that if a courageous investigator visit-
instructive lectures on the subject. My write to the papers than to the indi- ; ing those funkholes.theclubsof London,
the time the student has absorbed a vidual The sacreduess of publicity i were to snatch at the bald scalps so
complete course he will be qualified to j Importance also of victim seeing the I much in evidence there, he would in
write to the papers on any topic, and indictment Value of Who 'a Who? 'nine cases out of ten find that they
to adopt every tone from the pleading I Postal rates for n"wsii!.ip<". -.. | came away in his hand, revealing the

and querulous to the indig-
nant and hectoring. From )
this can follow nothing less ;
than the complete rout of
the Germans.

SYLLABUS OF Lia-TciiEs.
I. A World in Darkness. \

The world before news-
papers Unbearable
thought No Street and no
Man in it Unfortunate po-
sition of great Generals of
history, ALEXANDER, HAN-
NIBAL, CAESAR, etc., in lack-
ing support or criticism by
military experts Th oil-
fatal ignorance of public
opinion Serious handicaps
in the past LEONID AS
never seen at lunch by Mr.
Gossip ALCIBIADES never
stimulated by attacks in
Athens journals No brainy j
onlooker at defeat of Ar-
mada.

Il.Thr Growth of the
Press.

The birth of a happier era
.The first English news-
paper Rapid development of the new

(6 e>

To THE
WEDDING

CAKE

LICENSE

OFFICE

chevelnre of the youthful
and fit but craven. At any
rate the experiment should
be tried. I shall, of course,
be told that the Tribunals

. arc active and vigilant and
their net so tightly drawn
that no one can get through ;
hut we all know what bung-
lers the English authorities

: are, whether at the War
Office or elsewhere. It is

, only in newspaper offices
that true efficiency 'can be

I found. I enclose my card
and am, Yours faithfully,
" WAR- WINNER."

Analysis of above Rea-
i sons for thinking it perfect
Importance of compli-
ment to editors Estimate
of its probable result.

THE FOOD COXTUOLLER ADDS A xi;\v TEUUOK TO JUTUI.IIONY.

arm A nation made articulate Unfor-
tunate quietistic tendencies : ADDISON,

STEELIC, JoHNsoN-Foreshadowings of , pseudonyms are hest _Danger of giving

both name and address The Knob-

V. Signatures.

Real names and pseudonyms Cases
where real names are best Cases where

I children.

the real thing Arrival of the real

thing The Fourth Estate The Tenth . ^. ttT i mi \ t

,., ml -m-, r-.- . kerry The Dog- Whip Ihe Art of
Muse The Editor as Dictator The I c,_ir-k.r m" r _L TV.._^....

Millennium.

Extremes.

"He spent 233 years in the
; Otli Dragoon Guards (Carbineers)
| and commanded that famous
regiment in the Boer War."
Evening Telegraph (Dundee).

' Sergeant , who is 2 years

- ; of age, is married, and has two
.S'<i;i((.' J'njtt'1', tame date.

III. The Vigilant Correspondent.

The Council of Ten and the Lion's
Mouth Importance of attending to
other people's affairs True citizenship
the improvement of one's neighbours
Neglect of one's own character a na-
tional virtue Brief sketch of Paul Pry
Brief sketch of Meddlesome Matty
Keepers of the public conscience
Human alarm-clocks Samples of re-

Self-Defence The Law Directory
Choice of pseudonyms Latin r. Kng-
lish An Advantage of "One Who
Knows " over "Audi Alteram Partem "
" Scrutator" bettor than " Spectator
ah extra" "One who is doing his
bit" better than "Junius" -Reasons
for " War-Winner " being the best at
present moment.

17. llodcl Letter irilh J'emftrks.
At the present moment no type of

"Mr. S. J. Rodrigo, % 7 idane Aratchy of
Kotahcna, who was bitten by a made bog on
Sunday, left for Coouoor last evening by the
Talaimannar train for treatment."

Ceylon Independent.

But why make bogs if they
dangerous V

forms delayed by absence of letters to ! ctter is luore effective than the follow-

il. -. ~D.. n n*. TIL. rt <-.Tiis1Tt1ri4-i,i1i J-*C i-\-t n Vil J-i^/l lll'J .

the Press The circulation of the blood
The law of gravity The movement

ing
SlR,-

-Could anything be more deplor-

are so

From a shoemaker's advertisement :
'ROUGH Boys WELL LEATHERED."
I[iyh Jthvr Tiincs (Alherta, Canada).

The good old slipper has not outlived
its usefulness.

"To all anonymous correspondents who have
recently written to me I have the honour to
reply that they are all blackguards."

Ailt't. in Ceylon Paper.

ourselves should have

Though we

waived this honour we are

sympathy with the writer.

full

JANUARY 31. 1917.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 81

"U! DO WKAlt YOUU KHAKI TIK, DAD, OB ELSE SO ONE WILL K.VOW YOU 'BE A SOLDIEB."

TRAVEL WITHOUT TRAINS.

*i/tj/li'.*l<-i/ by some recent remarks in
' The Observer " on eccentric p!n<::-
names.)
Now that tho rise in railway fares

(At which no patriot cavils)
I I:n chained us elders to our chairs

And circumscribed our travels,
I love to play the festive game

Of astral gravitation
To any neighbourhood whoso namo

Is fraught with fascination.

1 'vo never sampled in the flesh

The varied charms of Bootle,
But mentally I find them fresh

And redolent of footle ;
And, though my steps to that resort

I never up till now bent,
Imagination can transport

My spirit into Chowbent.

Always alert upon tho track

Of rich and strange emotion,
To Pudsoy and to Wibsey Slack

I pay my fond devotion ;
My heart is in the Highlands oft,

Though age its glow enfeebles,
And soars triumphantly aloft

At the mere sound of Peebles.

The nightingale in leafy June,
I own, divinely warbles,

But equal magic fills the tune-
ful name of Scotia's Gorbals ;

And if you ever should desiro
A subject to wax funny on,

What theme more fitly can

spire
Tho Muse than Ballybunniou '.'

Some places on my astral rounds

I 'til strong upon tabooing,
On anti-alcoholic grounds

Grogport and Rum eschewing ;
But no such painful stigma robs

Proud Potto of its lustre,
Or rules out Crank and Smeeth and
Stobs,

A memorable cluster.

The pictures rising in my brain

Are strange; sometimes I muddle

'em,

Confounding Pleck with Plodder
Lane,

Titley with Tillietudlem ;
In short, it 's not a game of si iil,

Else I should scarce essay t ;
But it is harmless, costs mo nil,

And nobody need play it.

The plan is simple ; choose a spot,

Then focus with decision
Your thoughts upon it till you 've got

A clear-cut mental vision ;
And though from fact it widely errs,

Rememl>er -in conclusion
Only the man of prose prefers

Eyewitness to illusion.

From the Back of the Front.
Extract from a soldier's letter :
" DEAR MOTHKR, I am thoroughly run
; down, and have grown so thin that when I get
1 a pain in my middle I cannot toll whether it is
a backache or a stomachache."

The choristers and I.C.U. enlivened each
station along the route by rending sacred uongs
and solos as The Kauo Express drew in."

Lagos Weekly Record.

, ' That 's torn it," said the conductor.

"Hritons never sh;ll be slaves if they will

only remember the solemn warning of the

author of the words ' To thine own self be

j true, and then thou canst be false to any

man.' " Letter in Scotch Paper.

One recognises the note of liberty, but
; we fear the writer must have got
. hold of a German edition of '

| Shakspeare."

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANUARY 31, 1917.

THE HARDSHIPS OF BILLETS.

As Jim and mo lies in hospital
gettin" better from our wounds we
talks over what we 've been through in
this War.

There was the time when we was
billeted with Mrs. Dawkins, just before
we went to the Front, which dwells in
our memories. When the billetin'
orficer introduced us into her kitchen
Mrs. Dawkins went down on the bricks
and prayed she might do her duty by
the two noble defenders of her country
she meant me and Jim who the
Lord had pleased to deliver into her
care. Then she begun unlacin' Jim's
boots. In a minute Mr. Dawkins come
in ; he said we was hearty welcome, and
was just goin' to shako 'ands with us
when Mrs. Dawkins turned on 'im and
asked 'im what he meant by standin'
there like a gawk and not unlacin'
mine. Jim and me was very uncom-
fortable.

Then some little Dawkinses come in,
Susan, Sammy, Billy and Elfreda, and
was told by Mrs. Dawkins to pay their
respecks to us, and do it proper or
she 'd know the reason why. Sammy
saluted left-'anded and she cuffed him
unmerciful. Jim and me begun to feel
regler low-spirited.

After that she set out the tea. It
was as butiful a tea as we could wish
for, cakes and jam, and bloater-paste
and sardines, and bein' hungry after a
long march we cheered up and looked
forward to enjoyin" it. As was correck
Jim 'anded all the dishes to Mrs.
Dawkins first, but she said, " No, thank
you, such things are for the defenders
of the country, and it is our duty to
provide them, but bread-and-dripping
is good enough for me and Mr. Dawkins
and the children."

Susan, Sammy, Billy and Elfreda
all begun to cry, and their father sat
lookin' at 'em, the picture of misery.
It clean took away our appetites. She
piled our plates with jam and sardines,
but we couldn't swaller a mouthful
with them poor kids sobbin' all round
the table. We was thankful they
was put to bed before supper. Mrs.
Dawkins fried potaters and sausages
and set 'em down in front of me and
Jim, with a jug of porter, and she
and Dawkins and a young man lodgsr
sat at the other end, behind half a
Dutch cheese and some water. All the
meals was the same.

There was only three rooms upstairs,
and Jim and mo couldn't make out how
it was we had a bedroom apiece till we
come across the lodger sleepin' on the
kitchen table, Dawkins on the mangle
and Sammy in one of the dresser
drawers. Then we asked to be allowed

to sleep together, with the lodger to one
side ; but Mrs. Dawkins said, " I thank
the Lord we 're blessed with two good
beds in our house, and as long as I have
two defenders of the country in my
care I should like to catch anyone
belonging to me getting into either of
their beds. If we 're all getting wore
out for want of sleep we can't help our-
selves, we're doing our duty."

Then she asked Jim if he was warm
enough nights, and before he 'd time to
think he 'd blurted out ho wasn't quite.
That evening she come down shiverin'
to supper in her petticut, and said
what did it matter her catcbin' her
^leath of cold if them she had in her
care slept warm and comfortable under
her meriner skirt. We felt downright
brutes.

But what hurt us most was the way
them kids took against us. Me and
Jim is fond of kids, and we wanted to
make friends and play with 'em, but it
weren't no good. They was always
puttin' their tongues out at us when
Mrs. Dawkins' back was turned and
talkin' loud to one another: "I say,
Sammy, I 'atos soldiers, don't you?
Soldiers is greedy ; poor little children
don't have nothink where soldiers is.
Daddy 'ates soldiers too. He says his
'ome is a 'ell since the soldiers come.
'Ere they are walkin' down the street.
Quick, Billy ! Mother ain't lookin' ;
turn yer nose up at 'em same as me."

To make up for her kindness to us
Jim and me tried to do little odd jobs
about the house for Mrs. Dawkins, but
somehow it all turned to wormwood.
Wo slipped out early one Sunday morn-
in' and begun siftin' the cinders in the
backyard, but she caught sight of us
and 'bllered so at Dawkins she woke up
all the neighbours : " How can you lay
there snorin', you great lazy good-for-
nothing, and look on while the defenders
of your country is wearin' themselves
out siftin' your cinders ? "

Dawkins tumbled off the mangle,
thinkin" it was a fire, and ho swore
terrible at mo and Jim.

The young man lodger took against
us too. When his washin' was on the
lino we couldn't help noticin' he was
very bad oft' for underclothes, and Jim
and me, havin' more shirts and socks
that kind ladies had give us than we
knowed how to wear, we took the
liberty of wrappin' three of each in
paper with a label, "Hopin" no offence,"
and puttin' it in the chicken-'ouse
where he was in the habit of doin' his
hair. We was pleased to notice next
day he had got one of the shirts on.
Of course we made no remark ; no
more did he. Bufc at supper-time
Mrs. Dawkins caught sight of .his
cuffs. She took the poor feller by the

collar and we was afraid she would
have shook the life out of him.

" You thievin' rascal 1 " she said.
" To think I should 'arbour in my
house a man as ain't ashamed to rob
the defenders of his country of the
shirts off their backs ! " Then she
begun callin' for the police.

Jim and me tried to explain, but it
weren't no use. The first chance he
had the young man lodger got out
through the door. Ho come back in
half a minuto with his feet bare and
his weskit all anyhow. The shirts
and socks was under his arm.

" Damn you and yer clothes I " he
said, and flung 'em at mo and Jim.
It were very disheartenin'.

When it come to leavin' we felt we
ought to show our gratitude for tho
treatment wo had received by makin'
Mrs. Dawkins a little present. Bein'
of an uncommon disposition it were
difficult to choose what would please
her. I were in favour of a pink shawl ;
but Jim didn't seem to fancy givin'
anybody any more clothes. In the end
we chose a pair of earrings.

Directly wo give 'em to her we saw
we 'd done wrong. She turned on
Dawkins like a hyener. " 'Avo I done
my duty and starved us all to death
and given them two the best in the
house and slept cold every night to be
paid in gewgaws ? " she said. " Didn't
I do it willin', and wouldn't I do it
agen? and are you a man or a cur that
you stand there expectin' me to put
them things into my ears instead of
behind the fire ? " In another minuto
the earrings was melted. It wore some
consolation to me and Jim that she
didn't refuse to shake 'ands with us
when we come away; but Dawkins did,
and so did tho young man lodger, and
all the little Dawkinses spit at us. We
never have been able to make out who
wore to blame. We thinks sometimes
it were Mrs. Dawkins.

How it strikes the Hyphenated.

An extract from Los Angeles Ger-
mania, which describes itself as " An
American newspaper printed in the
German and American languages " :

1 ' At last the mask is removed from the
hypocritical face of England. Tho cloven
hoof of British insolence has struck square
into the faco of Uncle Sam."

Holders of the old War Loan who are
not yet converted to conversion may be
led to a decision by the discovery that
" BONAB LAW " spells " War Loan ' B." "

" LADY SECRETARY. For small Nurses'
Homo where nurses do not sleep."

Women's Employment.

Applicants should beware, as insomnia
is very catching.

JANUAHY 31. 1917.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

Sergeant. "KEEP YEB POINT UP LIKE YEB DOIN' wow, CAN'T YEB? You WONT NEVEB GET YEE MAN IP YEB DOS'T KEEP YEB

POINT OP. HAVE YEB NEVEB DONE NO BAYONET PBACTICE BEFORE?"

Private (just out of hospital, very bored). " I 'VB DONE THIS 'EBE TO THE BLOOMIN' BOSCIIES, I "AVE."
Sergeant. "On. TOO 'AVE, 'AVE YOU? No WONDEB THE WAB'S LASTED TWO AND A-'ALF YEABS."

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)
Do you remember a clever, gloomy story that Mr.
HUGH WALPOLE wrote, some years ago, about a pack of
schoolmasters who got so monstrously upon one another's
nerves that the result was attempted murder? I have
just been reading a new story that may be regarded as the
female counterpart of the same tragedy. Regiment of Women
(HEINEMANN) is described as a first novel; and there are
indeed signs of this in a certain verbosity and diffuseness
of attack. But it is at least equally clear that the writer,
CLF.MEXCE DANE, has the root of the matter in her. As in
the book with which I have compared it, the setting of this
is scholastic a girls' school here, with all its restricted out-
look, its small intrigues, and exaggerated friendships, merci-
lessly exposed. You will be willing to admit that it is at least
aptly named when I tell you that not till page 135 does
so much as the shadow of a man appear, and then but
fleetingly as the father of the poor child, Louise, the tragedy
of whose death is the central incident of the book. Naturally
it can be nothing else than a painful story ; in particular the
figure of Clare, the adored teacher, whose cruel egoistical
friendship, with its alternations of encouragement and
brutality, first drives Louise to suicide, and all but wrecks
the life of the young assistant-mistress, Alwynne, has in it
something coldly sinister that haunts the memory. But
of its power there can be no question. On one small point
of psychology I am at issue with the writer. I doubt
whether the child Louise could have played Arthur in the
school theatricals so marvellously as we are asked to

believe without cheering herself, by such an artistic
success, out of the temptation to suicide. But the ways
of morbidity are unsearchable, and this is no more than
an expression of individual opinion. It is not meant to
qualify my admiration for the skill of this remarkable and
arresting story.

If the long postponement of the appearance of another
novel Vesprie Towers (SMITH, ELDEH) by the lato Mr.
THEODORE WATTS-DUNTON, means (I am careful not to say
it does) that the author never intended it to see the light of
day, honesty obliges one to admit that there may have
been wisdom in that decision, for tho story of Violet Vesprie,
though touched with a certain charm and distinction, sadly
lacks the imaginative intensity of Aylwin. The plot is
commonplace, being the familiar record of how the country
seat of a once illustrious family nearly, but of course not
quite, passed into the hands of strangers when the last
of the race came to poverty. Even the inevitable flight
to London is not spared us or the heroine, and it is
really only when the writer tires of his attempted con-
ventionality that he comes more nearly to his own. The
return of Violet to her old home, for instance, is most
fortunate in its failure to follow the rules, that attractive
young lady being quite content to be whisked back in the
turning of a page from destitution in Lambeth to the place
she loves, without knowing or caring at all how the miracle
has been wrought ; while we, reader and author alike, equally
in the dark, are too happy to have her home to worry about
it either, preferring to wander with her through the dear
old rooms and let explanations go hang. Anyhow, perhaps

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANUARY 31, 1917.

one can forgive a certain amount of looseness in a story
that holds such pleasant things as a family rainbow, an
"osier ait" and a sailor-poet worshipping from afar. And
indeed, though far from brilliant, the book is really rather
lovable.

In The Leathcrwood God (JENKINS) Mr. \V. D. HoWELLB
has written a powerful and very interesting study of an
unusual theme. Religious mania, and those queer mani-
festations of it that hover uncertainly between fraud and
hysteria, have always provided a subject of attraction for
the curious. Mr. HOWELLS sets his romance in the early
days of the last century, at the backwoods settlement of
Leathcnvood, where the community of the faithful are
perturbed by the arrival amongst them of a stranger, one
Dylks, who claims divine origin and the power to work
miracles. Actually, this Dylks was about as bad a hat as
any made. He had deserted his legal wife, Nancy, and
allowed her, in supposed widowhood, to marry a de facto
husband whom she adored. So you will see that the turn-
ing up again of Number One, unrecognised and surrounded
by the trappings of god-
head and the adoration
of the Elect, creates for
Nancy a very pretty and
absorbing problem in
social ethics. But Mr.
HOWELLS has done more
than this. Having shown
Dylks as the arch-villain
and impostor that he is,
he proceeds to the sub-
tler task of enlisting our
sympathy for him. It is
this that gives the story
its higher quality. The
horror of the poor
wretch's position, driven
on by his own words,
almost, in time, coming
himself to a kind of belief
in them, haunted always
by the increasing de-
mands of his dupes, is
most powerfully portrayed. So much so that in the end
we hear of his death (by suicide or accident) with an
emotion of relief and pity that is a real tribute to his
creator. The Leather wood God is not a long story, but for
concentrated power it deserves to be classed amongst the
outstanding work of the season.

I should call Mrs. VICTOR RICKARD a bold plotter of
course in a strictly literary sense. It must at this moment
have required some courage to make your hero an agent
of the British Secret Service. And having done this she
certainly shirks none of the unpleasant possibilities of the
situation so created. In the interest of his profession,
and for no reward save the service of his country, Marcus
Janover is called upon to sacrilice love, friendship, even his

PURCHASER

OF OUR

8OGUITWEA

personal honour,
you to discover

Just how all this comes about I leave
by The Light above the Cross Roads

(DUCKWORTH). It is a powerful and highly original story
that has the distinction of breaking entirely new ground in
war-novels. The scenes of it, laid partly in Ireland, partly
in Berlin, or behind the German lines, are themselves
guarantees of the unusual. One slight criticism that I
have to make rises from the question whether so expert an
" agent " as Marcus would really employ blot-producing ink
for his map tracery when, on his own confession, he might

have used pencil. But if the blots had not been there the
Prussians (oddly obtuse as to the real meaning of Marcus's
presence amongst them) would never have arrested Ursule,
and thus provided a dramatic and unhackneyed situation..
There is a gravity and distinction, moreover, about the tale
that somehow reminds me of the late Monsignor BENSON.
it is undoubtedly a story that should be read.

I am rather puzzled what to say about the The Grey
Shepherd (HODDEU AND STOUGHTON), because it is essen-
tially a story that will appeal very differently to readers of
different temperaments. Some people will say, " How
beautiful ! " Others perhaps, " How precious ! " and both
with a certain truth. For my own part, I should select a
middle course, and say that Mrs. J. E. BUCKROSE has had a
wholly admirable idea for a short story, which she has done
her best to spoil by enlarging it to book dimensions, and
a little over-sweetening it. There is real delicacy and beauty
in her theme. The youth forced by partial blindness to give
up all the hopes for which he had been educated, who
becomes a shepherd, solacing himself with his pipe (musical)

and the simplicities of
country lore for the loss
of love and ambition ;
and eventually, after his
death, is deified by rustic
tradition into a super-
natural helper of " all
things that are kind "
here is an idea for the
tenderest handling. My
feeling is, while giving
Mrs. BUCKROSE every
credit for such an in-
spiration, that she should
have been a little sterner
with herself over the
treatment, and thus
avoided a certain sticki-
ness that may irritate
those who prefer the
simplicity of nature to
a not quite sufficiently
concealed art. But, as I
began by saying, it all depends on the individual palate;
and, anyhow, the book has the historic excuse of being a
very little one, which you can read, with pleasure or
irritation, within the hour.

THE DOUCEUR.

If you should chance to hanker for a change from novels
in which the hero and heroine dally over-long in falling in
love you will get it by reading The Fnr-Bringcrs (HODDER
AND STOUGHTON). No time is wasted upon preliminaries,
not a minute ; and as soon as Ambrose Deanc and Colina
Gavillcr have met and discovered at sight that they are
just made for each other the really exciting part of the
story begins. I forget how many times Ambrose is arrested
during the course of the tale, but I do know that tilings
keep on happening all the time, and that the rescue of the
hero by the Indian girl Nesis is delightfully told. Alto-
gether Mr. HULBERT FOOTNEH'S picture of the life of a
trader in Athabasca is particularly attractive. I like it all,
including the cover.

"At Leicester Assizes Levi Durance, aged thirty-four, a discharged
soldier, was sentenced to ten months' imprisonment for bigamy."

Pall Mall Gazette.

A proper verdict this, that for a while
Turns LEVI DURANCE into durance vile.

FEBRUARY 7. 1917.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

CHARIVARIA.

To celebrate his birthday, tho KAISER
arranged a theatrical performance,
entitled The German Blacksmith, of
which he was part author. It is not
yet known in what way bis people had

offended him. ,,. ^
1 *

It is feared that we have sadly mis-
judged Greece. They have saluted the
Entente flags, and it is rumoured that
KINO CONSTANTINK is even pre-
pared to put out his tongue at

the KAISER. ... *

'"*

Chancellor BETHMANN-HOLL-
WEO has been accused by the
Junker Press of selling his coun-
trymen to the Allies. But, to
judge from tho latest German
Note to America, the fact ap-
pears to be that he has simply
given them away.

* *
*

As the result of the cold snap,
wild boars have made their
appearance in Northern France.
Numbers have already been
killed, and it is reported that
the KAISER has agreed with an
American syndicate to be filmed
in the rdle of their destroyer,
the proceeds to be devoted to
the furtherance of tho league to
enforce peace.

Many German soldiers have,
according to the Hamburg Frem-
denblatt, received slips of paste-
board inscribed, " Soldiers of the
Fatherland, fight on I " It is
rumoured that several of the
soldiers have written across the
cards, " Fight on what ? "

* *
*

After tho 22nd of February,

all enemy aliens engaged in
business in this country will be
obliged to trade in their own
names. With a few honourable
exceptions, like the great Frank-
furt house of Wurst, our alien business
men have sedulously concealed their
identity. .,, ^

The patriotic Coroner for East Essex,
who has erected a pig-sty in the middle
of his choice rose-garden, informs us
that Frau Karl Drtischki has already
thrown out some nice strong suckers.
* *

" Cheddar cheese," says a news item,
" is Is. Gd. a pound in Norwich." But
what the public are clamouring to
know is the price of Wensloydale cheese
in Ilfracombe. .,. ^

The American gentleman who caused

so much commotion in a London hotel,
the other day, by his impatience at
dinner must, after all, be excused. It

ii|p]i'':ir8 the poor fellow was anxious to
get through wit h his meal before a new
Government department commandeered
the place. :; . . ; .

The SPEAKER'S Electoral Reform
Committee recommends that Candi-
dates' expenses shall not exceed 4rf. per
elector in three-member boroughs, and

"WHAT THE DEVIL ABB TOO DOING DOWN THAT SHELL-
HOLE? DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME BAY WE WEBB OCT AGAINST
FOUR TO ONE?"
Geordie (a trade-unionist). "AY. AA HEARD YOU ; BUT

AA *VE KILLED HA POWER."

several political agents have written to
point out that it cannot possibly be
done in view of the recent increase in
the price of beer.

The Shirley Park (Croydon) Golf
Club has decided to reduce the course
from 18 holes to 9 ; but a suggestion
that the half-course thus saved should
be added to the Club luncheon has met
with an emphatic refusal from the
FOOD CONTROLLER.

* *

A farmer iu the Weald of Kent is
offering 13s. i'd. a week, board and
lodging not provided, to a horseman
willing to work fifteen hours a day.

It ia understood that thia insidious
I it to popularise agriculture at
the expense of the army has been the
subject of a heated interchange of letters
between the War OfRco and the Board

of Agriculture. ^ ^

" The warmest places in England
yesterday," says The Pall Mall Guzrttf.,
" were Scotland and the South- West of
England." We have got into trouble
before now with our Caledonian purists
for speaking of Great Britain as
England, but we never said a
thing like that.

A London doctor, says Tlie
Daily Mail, estimates that colds
cost this country 15,000,000
annually. If that is the case
we may say at once that we

think the charge is excessive.

* *

A gossip-writer makes much
of the fact that he saw a tele-
graph messenger running in
Shoe Lane the other morning.
We are glad to bo in a position
to clear up this mystery. It
appears that the messenger in
question was in the act of going
off duty.

There seems to be no inten-
tion of issuing sugar tickets
until a suitable palace can be
obtained for the accommodation
of the functionary responsible
for this feature.

* '.--

The charge for cleaning white
gloves has been increased, and
it is likely that there will be a
return to the piebald evening
wear so much in vogue in Soho
restaurants. *

The 1917 pennies appear to
be thinner than those of pre-
War issues, and several maiden
ladies have written to the autho-
rities asking if income tax has
been deducted at the source.

"'The Land of Promise' . . . was only
withdrawn from the Duke of York's in the
height of its success owing to the declaration
of War in 1894." The Stage.
Is it really only twenty-three years ?

" Residents early astir on Sunday morning
had an unplcisant surprise. A sharp frost
over-night had converted the road surfaces
into glassy ice. which made walking impossible
without some assitsauco. A walking-stick,
without some sort of boot covering, was of
little avail." Oxford Times.

That was our own experience with a
walking - stick which was absolutely
bootless.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[FEBRUARY 7, 1917.

THE MUD-LARKS.

was situated on the crest
of a ridge, and enjoyed an uninterrupted
view of rolling leagues of mud ; it had
the appearance of a packing-case float-
ing on an ocean of ooze.

We and our servants, and our rats
and our cockroaches, and our other
bosom-companions slept in tents pitched
round and about the mess.

The whole camp was connected with
the outer world by a pathway of am-
munition boxes, laid stepping-stone-
wise; we went to and fro, lepping from
box to box as lops the chamois from
Alp to Alp. Should you miss your lep
there would be a swirl of mud, a gulp-
ing noise, and that was the end of you ;
your sorrowing comrades shed a little
chloride of lime over the spot whore
you were last seen, posted you as
" Believed missing " and indented for
another Second-Lieutenant (or Field-
Marshal, as the case might ba).

Our moss was constructed of loosely
piled shell boxes, and roofed by a tin
lid. We stole the ingredients box
by box, and erected the house with
our own fair hands, so we loved it
with parental love ; but it had its little
drawbacks. Whenever the field guns
in our neighbourhood did any business,
the tin lid rattled madly and the shell
boxes jostled each other all over the
place. It was quite possible to leave
our mess at peep o' day severely Gothic
in design, and to return at dewy eve to
find it rakishly Eococo.

William, our Transport Officer and
MessPresident.waseverlastinglypiping
all hands on deck at unseemly hours
to save the home and push it back
into shape ; wo were householders in
the fullest sense of the term.

Before the War, William assures us,
he was a bright young thing, full of
merry quips and jolly practical jokes,
the life and soul of any party, but what
with the contortions of the mess and
the vagaries of the transport mules he
had become a saddened man.

Between them the mules and the
mess ho never got a whole night in
bed ; either the mules were having bad
dreams, sleep-walking into strange lines
and getting themselves abhorred, or the
field guns were on the job and the mess
had the jumps. If Hans, the Hun, had
not been the perfect little gentleman
he is, and bad dropped a sho'l any-
where near us (instead of assiduously
spraying a distant ridge where nobody
ever was, is, or will be) our mess would
have been with Tyro and Sidon ; but
Hans never forgot himself for a mo-
ment ; it was our own side we dis-
trusted. The Heavies, for instance.
The Heavies warped themselves labori-

ously into position behind our hill,
disguised themselves as gooseberry
bushes, and gave an impression of the
crack of doom at 2 A.M. one snowy
morning.

Our mess imme'diately broke out into
St. Vitus's dance, and William piped all
hands on deck.

The Skipper, picturesquely clad in
boots (gum, high) and a goat's skin,
ilung himself on the east wing, and
became an animated buttress. Albert
Edward climbed aloft and sat on the
tin lid, which was opening and shutting
at every pore. Mactavish put his
shoulder to the south wall to keep it
from working round to the north. I
clung to the puntry, which was coming
adrift from its parent stem, while
William ran about everywhere, giving
advice and falling over things. The
mess passed rapidly through every
stylo of architecture, from a Chinese
pagoda to a Swiss chalet, and was on
the point of confusing itself with a
Spanish castle when the Heavies
switched off their hate and went to
bed. And not a second too soon.
Another moment and I should have
dropped the pantry, Albert Edward
would have been sea-sick, and the
Skipper would have let the east wing
go west.

Wo pushed the mess back into shape,
and went inside it for a peg of some-
thing and a consultation. Next evening
William called on the Heavies' com-
mander and decoyed him up to dine.
We regaled him with wassail and
gramophone and explained the situa-
tion to him. The Lord of the Heavies,
a charming fellow, nearly burst into
tears when ho heard of the ill he had
unwittingly done us, and was led home
by William at 1.30 A.M., swearing to
withdraw his infernal machines, or
beat them into ploughshares, the very
next day. The very next night our
mess, without any sort of preliminary
warning, lost its balance, sat down
with a crash, and lay littered about a
quarter of an acre of ground. We all
turned out and miserably surveyed
the ruins. What had done it '? We
couldn't guess. The field guns had
gone to bye-bye, the Heavies had gone
elsewhere. Hans, the Hun, couldn't
have made a mistake and shelled us?
Never ! It was a mystery ; so we all
lifted up our voices and wailed for
William. He was Mess President ; it
was his fault, of course.

At that moment William hove out of
the night, driving his tent before him
by bashing it with a mallot.

According to William there was one,
" Sunny Jim, "a morbid transport mule,
inside the tent, providing the motive
power. " Sunny Jim " had always been

something of a somnambulist, and this
time he had sleep- walked clean through
our mess and on into William's tent,
where the mallet woke him up. He
was then making the best of his way
home to lines again, expedited by
William and the mallet.

So now wo are messless; now we
crouch shivering in tents and talk
lovingly of the good old times beneath
our good old tin roof-tree, of the won-
derful view of the mud we used to get
from our window, and of the homely
tune our shell-boxes used to perform as
they jostled together of a stormy night.

And sometimes, as we crouch shiver-
ing in our tents, wo hear a strange
sound stealing up-hill from the lines.
It is the mules laughing.

SONGS OF FOOD PRODUCTION.

GODDESS, hear me oh, incline a
Gracious ear to me, Lucina !
Patroness of parturition,
Pray make this a special mission ;
Prove a kind inauguvator
Of my votive incubator !

Seventy eggs 1 put into it
Each a chick, if you ensue it.
Pray you, let me not ho saddled
Will) a single " clear " or addled.
See! the temperature is steady.
Now then, Goddess, are you ready ?

Hear me, Goddess, next invoking
You to keep the lamp from smoking,
And, the plea so humbly voiced, you're
Sure to regulate the moisture ?
Oh, Lucina, 'twill bo ripping
When wo hear the eggs all pipping !

When no chick the shell encumbers,
Goddess, hear their tuneful numbers !
Thou, O patroness of hatches,
We will try some further batches.
Goddess, hear me ! oh, incline a
Gracious ear to me, Lucina !

" MATBIMONV. Two young, respectable fc'-
lows wish to meet two respectable young girls, I
between the ages of 20 and 30, view above.
T. S. It. and E. C. P., Clematis P.O., Para- j
dise." Melbourne Argus.
If marriages are made in heaven these
respectable young fellows have selected
a really promising postal address.

"Nine petty officers were landed from the
damaged German destroyer VG9 and brought
to the Willem Barren tz Hotel, Ymuiden, to-
night. My correspondent engaged them in
conversation at a late hour. After some Dutch
Book beer they rapidly recovered their spirits
and began to sing Luther's well-known hymn,
' Eiu Festo Bung.' " Provincial Paper.

Very appropriate too, but wouldn't a
loose " Bung " have pleased them even
better ?

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. FEBRUARY 7. 1917.

A PLAIN DUTY.

"WELL, GOODBYE, OLD CHAP, AND GOOD LUCK I I'M GOING IN HEBE TO DO
MY BIT, THE BEST WAY I CAN. THE MOKE EVERYBODY SCRAPES TOGETHER FOR
THE WAR LOAN, THE SOONER YOU'LL BE BACK FROM THE TRENCHES."

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[FEBRUARY 7, 1917.

"STICK TO HIM STICK TO HIM I "

"I'LL STICK TO HIM, Silt. BUT WHICH ONE DO 'YOU WEAN?"

LETTERS FROM MACEDONIA.

IV.

MY DEAB JERRY, I am writing this
from my position on top of a small hill,
while my devoted band of followers sits
round me and waits for me to speak. I
always sit here, because if I wanted
to go somewhere else I should have
to climb down this hill and then up
another one. I hate hills. So does the
devoted band.

Behind another little hill a hundred
yards away we believe there lurks an
army corps of Bulgars, but we are
afraid to look and see. Instead, we fix
and unfix bayonets every ten minutes
and make martial noises. This, we
hope, affects the enemy's inoral, and
having your moral afl'ected every ten
minutes is no joke, I can tell you.

The spirit of our troops remains excel-
lent. You can see that this is true from
the fact that my joke still works. Every
night for the last three months, while
administering quinine to my army, I
have exhorted them not to be greedy
and not to take too much. They still
laugh heartily, nay uproariously. We
are a wonderful nation.

Our chief source of combined instruc-
tion and amusement is still the ant-

heap beside us, and in this connection,
Jeremiah, I must introduce to you
Herbert, a young officer in the ant
A.S.C.

When we first knew Herbert (or
" 'Erb " as he was known in those
days), he was an impudent and pushful
private. When his corps were engaged
in removing the larger pieces of straw
out of their hole in the hill, many a
time I have seen him staggering man-
fully towards the entrance with an enor-
mous piece on his slender shoulders,
against the tide of his comrades ; for
he never could resist the temptation to
replace the really big stalks in the hole.
As he knocked against one and another
the older ants would step aside, lay
down their loads, and expostulate with
him, always ending by giving him a
good clip on the ear; but 'Erb was
never dismayed.

Now and again, during a temporary
slackness in the stream, he would dis-
appear triumphantly into the hole, his
log trailing behind him ; but his triumph
was always short-lived. I would seem
to hear a scuffle and two bumps, and
'Erb would shoot gracefully upwards,
followed by his burden, and fall in a
heap beside the door. However, as
soon as he recovered ho would try

again,
noticed

On one sultry afternoon I
he succeeded in effecting an
entrance after twenty-three successive
chuck-outs.

His persistence piqued my curiosity.
I wondered why he should so obstin-
ately try to do a thing which was
obviously distasteful to all his seniors.
And then, yesterday, .there was a
change.

'Erb was resting after his eighth
chuck-out under a plank when a vener-
able ant, heavy with the accumulated
wisdom and weakness of years, ap-
proached the exit from within and tried
to get out, but in vain. He swore and
struggled in a futile sort of way, while
his attendant subordinates stood about
helplessly. 'Erb saw bis opportunity.
He seized his plank, dashed forward
you may not believe me, Jerry, but it
is the gospel truth saluted smartly,
and laid down his plank as a sort of
ladder. Supporting himself upon it the
veteran crawled out. Then ho spoke
to 'Erb, and I think I saw him asking
someone the lad's name.

That is why Second Lieutenant
Herbert is to-day in charge of a work-
ing party. He is now engaged in clip-
ping the ear of a larger ant. I imagine
there must have been some lack of

FKHKUAKY 7, 1917.]

rUNCH, OR TIIK LONDON CJIARIVAIM.

DISTRACTIONS OF CAMP LIFE.

Tummy (by roadside). " OUT on THE SPREE AGMN? GOING TO THE PICTURES?"
Highlander. "No. WE 'BE AWA' TO SEE YOUR LOT CHANGE GUABD."

discipline. Possibly his inferior had
addressed him a8 " "Erb."

Well, all our prospects are pleasing
and only Bulgar vile. I must now
make a martial noise, so au revoir.
Thine, FETEK.

" The Motor Cycle says over 165,000 mag-
nates have been made in Britain for war pur-
poses." Provincial Paper.

And the New Year Honours List (poli-
tical services) has yet to appear.

"We owed all this more to our splendid
navy and its silent virgil than to anything
else." Vrorincial Paper.

We suppose the CENSOR won't let him
narrate the epic exploits of the Fleet,
but he might have allowed him a capital
initial.

" Surbiton residents have supplied for
British prisoners in Germany 800 waistcoats
made from 2,100 old kid gloves."

Manchester Krenliiij News.

A notable instance of large - handed
generosity.

SIX VILE VEKBS.

(To the makers of journalese, and others,
from a fastidious reader.)

WHEN I see on a poster

A programme which " features "
CHABLIE CHAPLIN and other

Delectable creatures,
I feel just as if

Someone hit me a slam
Or a strenuous biff

On the mid diaphragm.

When I read in a story,

Though void of offences,
That somebody " glimpses "

Or somebody " senses,"
The chord that is struck

Fills iny bosom with ire,
And I 'm ready to chuck

The whole book in the tire.

When against any writer

It 's urged that he " stresses "

His points, or that something
His fancy " obsesses,"

In awarding his blamo
Though the critic be right,

Yet I feel all the same

I could shoot him at sight.

But (worst of these horrora)

Whenever I read
That somebody " voices "

A national need,
As the Bulgavs and Greeks

Are abhorred by the Serb,
So I feel toward the freaks

Who employ this vile verb.

" Some of the public men of Rawmargh
have high ambitions for their township, and
at the Council meeting on Wednesday there
was considerable industrial developments im-
mediately after the war."

Itotherlxiin Advertiser.

Happy Eawmarsh ! In our part of the
country it is not over yet.

"NAVY Pram, for Sale, good condition."
I'tovincial Paper,

Just the thing to prepare baby for being
" rocked in the cradlo of the deep."

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[FEBRUARY 7, 1917.

THE SUPER-CHAR.

SCENE. A square in Kensington. At
cvcTy other door is seen ilia lady of the
house at work with pail, broom, scrub-
bing-brush, rags, metal-polish, etc.

Chorus of Ladies.

IN clays boforo tho War

Had turned the world to Hades
We did not soil
Our hands with toil
We all were perfect ladies ;
To scrub tho kitchen iloor
Was infra dig. disgusting ;
We 'd ccok, at most,
A slice of toast
Or do a bit of dusting.

But those old days are flown,
And now we ply our labours :

We cook and scrub,

Wo scour and rub,
Regardless of our neighbours;
The steps we bravely stone,
Nor care a straw who passes

The while wo clean

With shameless mien
Quito brazenly tho brasses.

First Lady. Lo ! Who approaches ?

Some great dame of state?
Second Lady. Bather I think some

walking fashion-plate.
Third Lady. What clothes! What

furs !
First Lady. And tango boots ! How

thrilling !
They must have cost five guineas if

a shilling.
Second Lady. Sh, dears ! It eyes us

hard. What can it be ?
Third Lady. It would be spoke to.
Second Lady. Would it ?

First Lady. Let us see !

Enter the Super-Char.

Super-char. My friend the butcher

told me 'o 'd 'eard say
You 'adn't got no servants round

this way,
And as I 've time on 'and more

than I wish,

Seein' as all the kids is in munish
I thought as 'ow, porvidod that the

wigo
Should suit, I might be wiilin' to

oblige.

Chorus of Ladies.
O joy ! O rapture !
If we capture

Such a prize as this !
Then we may become once more
Ladies, as in days of yore,
Lay aside the brooms and pails,
Manicure our broken nails,
Try the last complexion cream
What a dream

Of bliss !

Super-Char. 'Old on ! Let 's get to

business, and no kidding !
I 'in up for auction ; 'oo will start

tho bidding ?
First Lady. I want a charlady from

ten to four,
To cook tho lunch ami scrub the

basement floor.
Super-Char. Cook? Scrub? Thanks!

Notbink doin' I Next, please! You,

Mum,
What are the dootios you would

'avo me do, Mum ?
Second Lady. I want a lady who will

kindly call
And help mo dust the dining-room

and hall ;
At tea, if need be, bring an extra

cup.

And sometimes do a little wash-
ing up.
Super-Char. A little bit of dusting I

might lump,
But washing up it gives mo fair

the 'ump !
Next, please !
Third L idy. My foremost thought

would always be

The comfort of the lady helping me.
We have a cask of beer that 's solely

for
Your use we are teetotal for tho

War.
I am a cook of more than moderate

skill ;
I '11 gladly cook whatever dish you

will

Soups, entrees.
Super-Char. Now you 're talkin' !

That 's some sense !
So kindly let me 'ave your reference,
And if I finds it satisfactory, Mum,
Why, s'elp me, I 'ave arf a mind to

come.
Third Lady. My last good lady left

six months ago
Because she said I 'd singed the

souffli so ;
She gave me no address to write

Super-Char. What!
You 've got no reference ?
Third Lady. Alas, I 'vo not !

Super-Char. Of course I could not

dream of taking you
Without one, so there's nothing

more to do.
These women 'ow they spoil one's

temper ! Pah !
Hi ! (she hails a passing taxi) Drive

me to the nearest cinema.

[She steps into the taxi and is
u-hirlcd off.

Chorus of Ladies.

Not yet the consolation

Of manicure and cream ;
Not yet the barber dresses
Our dusty tousled tresses ;

Tho thought of titivation
Is still a distant dream ;

Not yet the consolation
Of manicure and cream.

Still, still, with vim and vigour,
'Tis ours to scour and scrub ;

With rag and metal polish

Tho dirt we must demolish ;

Still, still, with toil-bowed figure,
Among tho grates wo grub ;

Still, still, with vim and vigour,
'Tis ours to scour and scrub.
CUUTAIN.

A TALE OF A COINCIDENCE.

" COINCIDENCES," said the ordinary
seaman, "are rum things. Now I can
toll you of a rum un that happened to
me."

It said Eoyal Naval Beserve round
his cap, but ho looked as if ho ought
to be wearing gold earrings and a
gaudy handkerchief.

" When I was a young feller I made
a voyage .or two in an old hooker
called tho Pearl of Asia. Her old man
at that time was old Captain Gillson,
him that had the gold tooth an' the
swell ma'ogany fist in place o' tho one
that got Mowed off by a rocket in
Falmouth Eoads. Well, I was walkin'
out with a young woman at Liverpool
nice young thing an' she give me a
ring to keep to remember 'or by, the
day before wo sailed. Nice thing it
was ; it had ' Mizpah ' wrote on it.

" We 'ad two or three fellers in tho
crowd for'ard that voyage as would
'andle anything as wasn't too 'ot or
too 'eavy, which explains why I got
into a 'abit of slippin' my bits o'
vallybles, such as joolery, into abit of a
cache I found all nice and 'andy in the
planking' back o' my bunk.

" We 'ad a long passage of it 'omo,
a 'undred-and-sixtydays from Portland,
Oregon, to London Biver, an' what
with thinkin" of the thumpin' lump o'
pay I 'd 'have to draw an' one thing
an' another, I clean forgot all about
the ring I 'd left cached in tho little
place hack o' my bunk yonder.

" Well, I drew my pay all right, and
after a bit I tramped it to Liverpool, to
look out for another ship. An' tho first
person I met in Liverpool was the
young woman I 'ad tho ring of.

"'Whore's my ring?' she says,
before I 'd time to look round.

" Now, I never was one as liked
'avin' words with a woman, so I pitched
her a nice yarn about tho cache I 'ad
at the back o' my bunk, an' 'ow I
vallied 'er ring that 'igh I stowed it
there to keep it safe, an' 'ow I 'd slid
down the anchor cable an' swum ashore
an' left everything I 'ad behind me, I
was that red-'ot for a sight of 'er.

FKHRCARY 7, 1917.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

Colonel (to private told of to act as cud lie). "Now I HOPS YOU KNOW SOMETHING ABOUT IT. THE LAST MAX I HAD PUT MB

RIGHT OPP. HAVE YOD EVER HANDLED CLUBS BEFORE? "

Private. "NoT SINCE 1 PLAYED ts THE AMATEUB CHAMPIONSHIP, SIB." (Colonel is put off again.)

" ' Ye didn't,' she says quite ratty, ' ye
gave it to one o' them nasty yaller gals
ye sing about."

"I didn't,' I says; 'Ye did,' she
says ; ' I didn't," says I. An" we went
on like that for a bit until I says at
last, ' If I can get aboard the old Pearl
again," I says, ' 1 '11 get the ring,' I says,
' an' send it you in a letter,' I says,
1 an' then per'aps you '11 be sorry for
the nasty way you "ve spoke to me,' I
says.

'"Ho, yes," sho says, sniffy -like,
' per'aps I will, per'aps 1 won't,' an' off
she goes with 'er nose in the air.

" My next ship was for Frisco to
load grain ; and I made sure of droppin'
acrost the Pearl there, for sho was
bound the same way. But I never did.
She was dismasted in the South Pacific
ou the outward passage, and had to put
in to one of them Chile ports for repairs.
So she never got to Frisco until after
we sailed for 'ome. An' that was the
way it went on. She kep' dodgin' me
all over the seven seas, an' the nearest
I got to 'er was when we give 'er a
cheer off Sydney Heads, outward bound,
when wo was just pickin' up our pilot.
The last I 'card of 'er after that was
from a feller that 'ad seen 'er knockin'
round the South Pacific, sailin' out o'
Carrizal or Antofagasta or one o' them
places. I was in the Western Ocean

mail-boat service at the time, and so o'
course she was off my run altogether.

" I was still in the same mail-boat
when she give up the passenger busi-
ness an' went on the North Sea patrol.

" Well, one day we boarded a Chile
barque in the ordinary course o' duty,
and I was one o' those as went
on board with the lootenant. They
generally takes me on them jobs, the
reason bein" that I know a deal o'
foreign languages. I don't believe
there 's a country in the world where
I couldn't make myself understood,
partic'lar when I "m wantin' a drink
bad.

" I wasn't takin' that much notice of
this 'ere ship at the time (there was a
bit of a nasty jobble on the water, for
one thing, and we 'ad our work cut out
gettin' alongside), except that 'er name
was the Maria de Somethink-or-other
some Dago name. But while we was
waitin' for the lootenant to finish 'is
business with Old Monkey Brand,
which was the black-faced Chilcno
captain she 'ad, it come over me all of
a suddent.

" ' Strike me pink ! ' I says, ' may my
name be Dennis if I "aven't seen that
there bit o' fancy-work on the poop
ladder rails before ; ' which so I "ad, for
I done it myself in the doldrums, an"
a nice bit o' work it was, too.

" You '11 'ave guessed by now that
she was none other than the Pearl of
Asia', an' no wonder I 'adn't recker-
nised 'er, what with the mess she was
in alow and aloft, an' allyminian paint
all over the poop ratlin's as would 'ave
made our old blue-nose mate die o' rage.

" ' You carry on 'ere,' I says to the
feller that was with me ; ' I "m goin"
for'ard a minute.'

" "Arf a minute, an' I was in my old
bunk ; an' there was the cache all right,
just like 1 left it.'

Ho paused dramatically ; I supposed
it was for histrionic effect, but it lasted
so long that I said, " And so I suppose
you sent the ring to the girl after all ? "

" Oh I 'er I " he said, with an air of
surprise, " I 've forgot 'er name and
all about 'er, only that she 'ad a brother
in one o" them monkey-boats of ELDER
DEMPSTER'S 'e "ad the biggest thirst
I ever struck."

" But the ring ? " I said. " I suppose
it was there all right ? "

Ho stopped his pipe down with his
thumb, with an enigmatical expression.

" That "s where the bloomin' coinci-
dence come in," he said; " it weren't."
= ^ == ^ == C. F. S.

" Misa , the Worid-reuf.unced Teacher

of Dancing." Soutluirn Standard.

Another victim of the War.

r~
! 92

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[FEBRUARY 7, 1917.

MM t

''i /if '."] i /

'<*

Major-General (addressing the men before practising an attack behind tlie lines). "I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT THERE is

A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A REHEARSAL AND THE REAL THING. THERE ABB THREE ESSENTIAL DIFFERENCES: FIRST, THE ABSENCE

OP THE ENEMY. Now (turning to the Regimental Sergeant- Major) WHAT is THE SECOND DIFFERENCE?"
Sergeant-Major. "THE ABSENCE OF THE GENERAL, SIR."

TO TOWSER.

No pampered pound of peevish fluff
That goggles from a lady's muff
Art thou, my Towser. In the Park
Thy form occasions no remark
Unless it be a friendly call
From soldiers walking in the Mall,
Or the impertinence of pugs
Stretched at their ease on carriage rugs.
For thou art sturdy and thy fur
Is rougher than the prickly burr,
Thy manners brusque, thy deep " bow

wow "

(Inherited, but Lord knows how !)
Far other than the frenzied yaps
That emanate from ladies' laps.
Thou art, in fact, of doggy size
And hast the brown and faithful eyes,
So full of love, so void of blame,
That fill a master's heart with shame
Because he knows he never can
Be more a dog and less a man.
No champion of a hundred shows,
The prey of every draught that blows,
Art thou ; in fact thy charms present
The earmarks of a mixed descent.
And, though too proud to start a

fight
With every cur that looms in sight,

None ever saw thee quail beneath
A foeman worthy of thy teeth.
Thou art, in brief, a model hound,
Not so much beautiful as sound
In heart and limb ; not always strong
When nose and eyes impel to wrong,
Nor always doing just as bid,
But sterling as the minted quid.
And I have loved thee in my fashion,
Shared with thy face my frugal ration,
Squandered my balance at the bank
When thou didst chew the postman's

shank,

And gone in debt replacing stocks
Of private cats and Plymouth Eocks.
And, when they claimed the annual fee
That seals the bond twist theo and

me,

Against harsh Circumstance's edge
Did I not put my fob in pledge
And cheat tlie minions of excise
Who otherwise had ta'en thee prize ?
And thou with leaps of lightsome mood
Didst bark eternal gratitude
And seek my feelings to assail
With agitations of the tail.
Yet are there beings lost to grace
Who claim that thou art out of place,
That when the dogs of war are loose
Domestic kinds are void of use,

And that a chicken or a hog
Should take tlie place of every dog,
Which, though with appetite endued,
Is not itself a source of food.
What! shall we part? Nay, rather we'll
Eenounce the cheap but wholesome

meal

That men begrudge us, and we '11 take
Our leave of bones and puppy cake.
Back to the woods we '11 hie, and there
Thou'lt hunt the fleet but fearful hare,
Pursue the hedge's prickly pig,
Dine upon rabbits' oggs and dig
With practised paw and eager snuffle
Tlie shy but oh ! so toothsome truffle.

ALGOL.

"A landslide in Monmouthshire threatens
to close the natural course of the River Ebbw,
seriously interfering with its ffllww." Star.

It certainly sounds rather diverting.

From a list of gramophone records :
"Nothing could seem easier in the wide
world than tho emission of the cascade of
notes that falls from the mouth of tho horn
which might indeed be Tetrazzini's own
mouth."

" The diameter of my own gramophone
horn is eighteen inches," writes the
sender of the extract.

PUNCH. OK Till', LONDON CHAItl VAIU.- --Fi:i,m utv 7, KMT.

THE ROAD TO VICTORY."

GKKMANY. "ARE WE NEAELY THERE. ALL-HIGHEST?"

T. "YES; WE'RE GETTING NEAR THE END NOW."

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[FEBBUAUY 7, 1917.

" 'AvE YOU 'EAKD ABOUT THESE 'ERE NEW INVISIBLE ZEPPELINS THEY 'RE MAKIN'?"
"YES. BUT I DON'T BECKON WE SHALL SEE MANY OP 'EM OVEU 'EKE."

TAXIS AND TALK.

CONVERSATION in the streets of
London has never been easy ; not, at
any rate, until the small hours, when
the best of it is done. But it becomes
even more complex when one of the
talkers is pressed for time and wants
a taxi, and disengaged taxis are as rare
as new jokes in a revue.

Let the following dialogue prove it.
I leave open the question whether
or not I have reported the real terms
of out conversation, merely reminding
you that two men together, removed
from the frivolity of women, tend, even
in the street and when the thermometer
is below freezing - point, to a high
seriousness rare when the sexes are
mingled.

Imagine us facing a wind from the
east composed of steel filings and
all uncharity. We are somewhere in
Chelsea, and for some reason or other,
or none at all, I am accompanying
him.

He (looking at his watch). I 've got
to be at Grosvenor Gardens by half-past
one and there's not a taxi anywhere.
We must walk fast and perhaps we'll

meet one. Dash this War anyhow.
(He said, as a matter of fact, "damn,"
but / am getting so tired of that word
in print that I shall employ alternatives
every time. Someone really must insti-
tute a close season for "damns " or they
won't any longer be funny on the stage ;
and, since to laugh in theatres has be-
come a national duty, that, in the present
state of the wit market, would be priva-
tion indeed.)

I (submerged by brain wave}. Perhaps
we '11 meet one.

He. Keep a sharp look out, won't
you ? I 've got to be there by half-
past one, and I hate to be late.

I. Those tailors you were asking me
about I think you '11 find them very
decent people. They

He (excitedly). Here comes one. Hi !
Hi!

[A taxi, obviously full of people, ap-
proaches and passes, the driver
casting a pitying glance at my poor
signalling friend.

He. I thought it was free.

/. The flag was down.

He. I couldn't be sure. What were
you saying ? Sorry.

/. Oh, only about those tailors. If

you really want to change, you know,
I could

He. Do you mind walking a little
faster ?

I (mendaciously). Not at all. I could
give you my card, don't you know.
But of course- you might not like them.
Tastes differ. To me they seem to be
first-rate, as tailors go.

lie (profoundly though he is not
more profound than I am). Of course,
as tailors go.

J. They 're best at

He (excited again). Here 's another.
Hi ! Hi ! Taxi. No, it 's engaged.

/ (ivith a kind impulse). If you '11
ask me, I '11 tell you whether the flags
are up or not. 1 think I must be able
to see farther than you.

He. Do.

7. I was always rather famous for
long sight. It 's

Ha (turning round). Isn't that one
behind us ? Is that free ?

J. I can't tell yet.

He. Surely the flag 's up.

[He steps into the road and waves his
stick.

I. It 's a private car.

He. Hang the thing 1 so it is. They

1'V.muiAnY 7, 1!M7.'

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON (MIA II IV A I! I.

ought to bo painted white or some-
thing. Life is not worth living just
DOW.

J. They 'ro Iwst for trou-n ;, T liould
say. Their overcoats

He, (pointing i/]> nidi' at ml}. Isn't that
one there? Hi, taxi! (Jood heavens,
that other fellow's got it. Wo really
must walk faster. If there isn't one on
the rani; in Sloano Hqiinro, I'm d:ic.
If thorn's ono thing I hate it's bring
lato. Besides, I 'in blamrd liungry.
When I 'in hungry I 'in miserable till
1 eat. No good to anyone.

/. As I was saying

1L-. What I want to know is, where
are tho taxis? They're not on the
streets, anyway ; then whore aro they?
Ono never sees a yard full of them,
but they must bo somewhere. It 's a
scandal a positive outrage.

7. Their overcoats can bo very disap-
pointing. I don't know how it is, but
they don't seem to understand over-
coats. But they're so good in other
ways, you know, that really if you aro
thinking

He. Hero 's one, really empty. Hi !
Hi! Taxi! Hi! Hi!
[The flag is up but the driver shakes
his head, makes a noise which
sounds like "dinner" and glides
serenely on.

He. Well, I 'm blamed ! Did you
over seo anything like it? What's
that he said ?

I. It sounded like " dinner."

He. Dinner! Of all tho something
cheek! Dinner! What's tho world
coining to ?

I (brilliantly). Perhaps he 's hungry.

He. Hungry! Greedy, you mean.
Hansom drivers never refused to take
you because they were hungry. It 's
monstrous. Bless tho War, anyway.
(Looking at his watch) I say, wo must
put a spurt on. You don't mind, do
you?

I (more mendaciously, and wondering
irlnj I'm so weak). Oh, no.
[We both begin to scuttle, half run and
half walk.

I (panting). As I was saying, they 're
not Al at overcoats, but they 'vo a first-
class cutter for everything else. Just
tell mo if you want to change and I '11
introduce you, and then you '11 get
special treatment. There 's nothing
they wouldn't do for mo.

Hs (bnathbuly). Ah! There's the
rank. There 's just ono cab there. How
awful if it were to be taken before he
saw us. Run like Heaven.

I (running like Henren). I think I'll
leave you here.

He '(running still more like Hearm, a
little ahead). Oh no, come on. I want
to hear about those tailors. Hi I Hi !
Wave your stick like Heaven !

"ARE TE tfOONDF.D, TEBF.XCE?"

" I AM THAT, MlCHAF.f, ; 'TIS IN THE FtJT."

"BAD CESS TO TU1M BODY-SHIELDS ! I NIVF.Il HAD MUCH FAITH IX THIM I "

[We both wave our sticks like Heaven.

He (subsiding into a walk). Ah ! it 's

all right. Ho 's seen us. (Taking out

his watch) I 've got four minutes. We

shall just do it. Good-bye.

[He, leaps into t)ie eab and I turn
airai/ wondering where I shall get
lunch.

lie (shouting from window). Let mo
know about those tailors some day ; if
| they 're any good, you know.

"'Tho best people aro still wearing tho r
own clothes,' said Mr. Williams." Star.

With all respect, Mr. WILLIAMS, the
best people aro wearing the KING'S.

"DosKF.ys. Wanted to purchase 100 rea-
sonable. Apply M. S."

Adi-t. in Colonial Paper.

! Wo have never met this kind of donkey
ourselves, but we wish M. S. the best
I of luck.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[FEBRUARY 7, 1917.

AT THE PLAY.

" ANTHONY IN WONDEBLAND."

IT was not till about the middle of
the play, and after a narcotic had been
administered to him, that Anthony got
there ; but we were in Wonderland
almost from the start, without the aid
of drugs. For we were asked to be-
lieve that Mr. CHARLES HAWTREY was
a visionary, amorous of an ideal which
no earthly woman could realise for him.
Occasionally ho had caught a glimpse
of it in the creations of Art at the
Tate Gallery or Madame TUSSAUD'S
or the cinema ; but in Bond Street
never.

And the pity of it was that
he had come in for a fortune
of seven hundred thousand
pounds odd, which would pass
elsewhere unless he married
by a given date. It was there-
fore the clear duty of his rela-
tives a couple of sisters and
their husbands to find a wife
for him. After vainly trying
him with every pretty woman
of their acquaintance they had
resort, in desperation, to the
black art of a certain Mr. Mor-
timer John (U.S.A.), an infalli-
ble inventor of stunts, who
made a rapid diagnosis of the
case and at once pronounced
himself confident of success.

Briefly for it is a long and
elaborate story his scheme
is to choose a charming girl,
and make a film drama round
her. Antlwny, with family, is
taken to see the show and oc-
cupies the best box in the
Prince of Wales'sTheatre, from,
which, after a little critical
comment upon us in the audi-
ence, he falls in love with the heroine.
It is the typical film of lurid life on a
Californian ranch, and might almost
have been modelled on one of Mr.
Punch's cinema burlesques. There are
the familiar scenes of a plot to hang
the girl's lover, swiftly alternating with
scenes of her progress on horseback
through the primeval forest, and con-
cluding with her arrival just in time to
shoot the villain and untie the noose
that encircles her lover's carotid.

On the return of the party from the
cinema, Mortimer John describes to
Anthony the powers of a drug which
induces the most vivid of dreams. He,
John, had once been in Anthony's pitiful
case, and through the services of this
drug had achieved his quest of the ideal
woman. Anthony, greatly intrigued,
consents to swallow a sample of the
potion. It is a simple narcotic, and
under its influence ho is conveyed, in a

state of coma and a suitable change of
apparel, into the heart of Surrey,
where at sunrise he is restored to
animation and has the scenes of the
evening's drama re-enacted before his
eyes, as originally filmed for exhibition.
Under the impression that this is merely
the vivid dream that he had been
promised, he himself takes part in the
living drama, playing the noble rdlc of
an exceptionally white man. In the
course of it he exchanges pledges of
eternal lovo with Aloney the heroine.
Finally, in a spasm of heroic self-sacri-
fice, he takes poison with the alleged
purpose of saving the heroine's life.
We never quite gather how his suicide

But the film itself, when we got to it,
was excellent fooling, and the recon-
struction of the original drama at
Dorking-in-the- Wild- West was really
delightful. You can easily guess that
Mr. CHARLES HAWTRKY, as a cinema
hero, very conscious of his heroism
(" it 's a way wo have in Montague
Square "), but always comfortably
aware that in a dream, as he imagines
it to be, he can well afford to make the
handsomest of sacrifices, had a great
chance. And he took it.

As the heroine, who has to play a
rather thankless part in the mercenary
designs of her parent, Miss WINIFRED

BARNES

AN IDYLL OP MOVIE-LAND.

Antlwny Silvertree MB. CHARLES HAWTBEY.

Aloney Miss WINIFRED BABNES.

should serve this end, but then the
whole atmosphere is charged with that
obscurity which is the very breath of
the film-drama.

The poison is nothing worse than
another dose of the narcotic, and under
its spell he is spirited back to London,
where, on arrival, he is confronted with
the lady of his " dream," and Mortimer
John secures a colossal fee. In addition,
for he has had the happy thought of
selecting his own daughter for the
heroine, he secures a plutocrat for his
son-in-law.

The worst of a play in which one is
conducted out of ordinary life into the
regions of improbability by processes
of which every step has to be just con-
ceivably possible, is that the conscien-
tious development of the scheme is apt
to be tedious. And, frankly, the first
scene or two, though lightened by ex-
pectation, were on the heavy side.

contrived, very naively and
prettily, to preserve an air of
maiden reluctance under the
most discouraging conditions.
As Mortimer John Mr. SYDNEY
VALENTINE had admirable
scope for his sound and busi-
nesslike methods. Qi Anthony's
relations, all very natural and
human, Miss LYDIA BILBROOKE
was an attractive figure, and
the part of Herbert Clatter by,
K.C., was played by Mr. ED-
MUND MAURICE with his ac-
customed case of manner.

If I wanted to find fault with
any detail of the construction,
it would be in the matter of
the ring which Anthony places
on the finger of Alon&ij in the
cinema play. This was a spon-
taneous act not included in the
scheme for which Mortimer
John was given the credit.
Yet as the means by which
Anthony identified her on his
return to consciousness it went
far to bring that scheme to
fruition. I think also that he
ought to have shown some

trace of surprise (I should myself) on
finding that he had unconsciously ex-
changed his spotless evening clothes
for the kit of a broncho-buster.

I have hinted alrea-ly at the com-
parative dulness of the long introduc-
j tion to .what is the clou of the play
the film and its reconstructed scenes.
Why not take a further wrinkle from
the cinematic drama and throw upon
the screen a succinct resume of the pre-
vious argument ? Three or four minutes
of steady application to the text, and
we might plunge into the very heart of
things. I throw out this suggestion
not with any hope of reward, but in

part payment of my debt
very joyous laughter.

for some
0. S.

" Wanted, Gentlewoman a Jew days old."

The Lady.

This is much prettier than " Baby taken
from birth."

I'KilllUAHY 7, 1917.]

PUNCH,. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

THEM UAND8 OP YOUBS

WELL ABOVE

YOOE BLINKIN* HEAD."

A SONG OP THE WOODLAND ELVES.

WE hear the ruthless axes ; we watch our rafters fall ;

The seawind blows unhindered where stood our banquet-
hall;

Our grassy rings are trampled, our leafy tents are torn

Yet inoro would we, and gladly, to help the English-born.

For, leafy-crowned or frosted, the English oaks are ours ;
The beeches are our playrooms, the elms our outlook towers;
And we were forest- rangers before these woods had name,
And we were elves in England before the Romans came.

We watched the Druids worship; we watched the wild

bulls feed ;

We gave our oaks to ALFBHD to build his ships at need ;
And often in the moonlight our pricked ears in the wood
Have heard the hail of RUFUS, the horn of ROBIN HOOD.

But if our age-old roof-beams can serve her cause to-day,
The woodland elves of England will sign their rights away ;
For none but will be woeful to hear the axes ring,
Yet none but would go homeless to aid an English King.
W. H. O.

GOOD OLD GOTHIC.

[An agitation for tho total disuse of the Latin character, we learn
from Press quotations published in The Daily Chronicle, is raging
through the German Kmpire, and tho Prussian Minister of the
Interior has forbidden the use of any other character than German
Gothic iu the publications of the Statistical Bureau.]

THE ways of the Hun comprehension elude,

They 're so cleverly crass, so painstakingly crude ;

For, in spite of his cunning and forethought immense,

He is often incurably stupid and dense

To the point of allowing his patriot zeal

To put a largo spoke iu his own driving-wheel.

An excellent instance of zeal of this sort

Is the movement, endorsed by official support,

To ban Latin type in the papers that flow

From the press of the Prussian Statistics Bureau.

Now the pride of the Germans, as dear as their pipe
And their beer, is their wonderful old Gothic typo ;
It makes ev'ry page look as black as your hat,
For the face of the letters is stodgy and fat ;
It adds to the labour of reading, and tries
The student's pre-eminent asset, his eyes,
And in consequence lends a most lucrative aid
To people engaged in the spectacle trade.
But these manifest drawbacks to little amount
When tried by the only criteria that count :
Though the people who use it don't really need it,
It exasperates aliens whenever they read it.
It is solid, echt-Deutsch, free from Frenchified froth,
And in fine it is Gothic, befitting the Goth.

So when the great Prussian Statistics Bureau
Proscribes Latin letters and says they must go,
They are giving a lead which we earnestly hope
Will be followed beyond its original scope ;
For the more German books that in Gothic are printed
The more will the spread of Hun "genius" be stinted,
And the larger the number, released from its gripe,
Of the students of Latin ideas and type.

"Furniture for Poultry: 2 easy chairs, solid walnut frame?;,
nicely upholstered and sound, 12/6 each ; also 2 armchairs, 4 small
chairs, walnut frames, nicely upholstered and sound, 2; 5 other
chairs, upholstered in tapestry and leather, 5/- each." The Bazaar.

Has this sc rt of thing Mr. PROTHERO'S approval 1 Some
hens are already too much inclined to sit when we want
them to lay.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[FEIJRUAUY 7, 1917.

THE TIPINBANOLA.

" THEHE," I said, " you 've interrupted me again."

" Tut tut," said Francesca.

" And the dogs are barking," I said, " and the guinea-
lions are squawking."

"I daresay," she said; "but you can't hear the guinea-
hens ; they 're much too far away."

" Yes, but I know they 're squawking they always are
and for a sensitive highly-strung man it 's the same thing."

"Tut-t "

" Tut me no more of your tuts, Francesca," I said, " for
I am engaged in a most complicated and difficult arith-
metical calculation."

"If," said Francesca deliberately, " two man in cordu-
roys, with straps bslow their knees, and a boy in flannel
shorts, all working seven hours and a half per day for a
week, can plant five thousand potatoes on an acre of land,
how many girls in knickerbockers will be required to "

" Stop, Francesca," I said, " or I shall go mad."

" If," she continued in-
exorably, " a train travel-
ling at the rate of sixty-
two miles and three-
quarters in an hour takes
two and a half seconds to
pass a lame man walk-
ing in the same direction,
find how many men with
one arm each can board
a motor-bus in Piccadilly
Circus, having first ex-
tracted the square root of
the wheel-base."

"Stow it," I said.

"Isn't that rude? "she
said.

"Yes," I said; "it was
intended to be."

" Well, but what are
you doing? "

" I 'm calculating rates
of percentage on the new
War Loan," I said.

"Why worry over
that? " she said. " It announces itself as a five-per-center,
and I "m willing to take it at its word. What 's your
difficulty ? Surely you do not impute prevarication to the
CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER."

" No," 1 said, " far from it. I have the greatest possible
respect for him. I 'm sure he would not deceive a poor
investor; but ho doesn't know my difficulties. It's this
getting 100 by paying only 95 that 's knocking me side-
ways ; and then there 's the income tax, and the other loan at
four per cent., on which no income tax is to be charged, and
the conversion of the old four-and-a-half per cent. War
Loan, and of the various lots of Exchequer Bonds. It 's all
as generous as it can bo, but for a man whoso mathematical
education has been, shall we say, defective, it 's as bad as
a barbed-wire entanglement."

" Oh, don't muddle your unfortunate head any more. Just
plank down your money and take what they give you.
That's my motto."

" No doubt," I said ; " that 's all very well for you. You
aren't the head of the household, with all its cares depending
on you. Heads of households ought to know their exact
position."

" Well, then, heads of households ought to have learnt
their arithmetic better and remembered more of it. The

THE MODKRN RALEIGH.

children and I haven't allowed ourselves to be hindered by
little obstacles of that kind."

" What, " I said, " are you and the children in it too ? "
" Yes, we 're all in it. I 've put in the spare money from
the housekeeping "

" I always know you got too much."
" And the children have chipped in with their savings."
" Savings ? " I said. "How have they got any savings ? "
" Presents from affectionate godmothers and aunts, which
wore put into the Post Office Savings Bank. They 're all
out now and into the Loan all, that is, except Frederick's
little all."

" And what 's happened to that ? "

" That 's put into War Certificates. It was his own idea.

He was fascinated by the poster, and insisted that his

money should go in the purchase of cartridges, so there it is."

"And at the end of five years he'll got back 1 for

every 15s. 6d. be 's put in."

" Yes, he '11 get 5. He made a lot of difficulty about that."
" You don't mean to say ho jibbed about getting his

money back ? "

"That's precisely
what did happen. Ho
said he 'd given the money
for cartridge buying, and
how could he take it back
with a bit extra after the
cartridges had been
bought. He 's really ra-
ther annoyed about it."

"I shall tell him," I
said, " not to let it worry
him, and shall explain
to him how much per
cent, he 's getting per
annum."

" You '11 have to work
it out yourself first of
all," she said, "and I
know you can't do that.
And, by the way, you may
as well be ready for him ;
he 's going to ask you if
he may join the Army as
a drummer-boy."
" What on earth 's put that into his head ? "
" He 's been talking to the Sergeant-Major, and he 's
invented a musical insirument of his own. It 's made out
of a cardboard box, some pins and two or three elastic
bands. There it is you 11 find its name inscribed on it."

I took it up and saw inscribed upon it in large pen-
cilled letters this strange device : " THE TIF/INBANOLA ;
made for soldiers only."

" Francesca," I said, " it 's a superb name. Where did
ho get it from ? "

' Out of his head," she said.

' I wonder," I said, " if he keeps any arithmetic there ? "

' Ask him ; I 'm sure ho"d be proud to help you."

' No," I said, "I must plough my weary furrow alone."

' And the guinea-hens," she said, " are still squawking."

' Yes," I said, " isn't it awful ? "

' I '11 go and stop them," she said.

' It 's no good," I said, " I shan't hoar them stop."

E. C. L.

"If the ploughman is taken the farmer may as well put up his
shutters." A Farmer in " The Daily News."

And if the shop- walker is taken, tho tradesman may as
well let his windows lie fallow.

I'l.MtUARY 7, 1917.]

PUNCH, OR THK LONDON CHAEIVARL

Officer. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY FEEDING THAT HOUSE BEF<yB THE CAIX SOUNDED?"
Recruit. "I DIDU'T THINK AS 'ow 'E'D START EATING BEPOBE THE TRUMPET BLEW, SIB."

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)
MR. S. P. B. MAIS, in a dedicatory letter to Interlude
(CHAPMAN AND HALL), tells us that he has "simply tried
to show what a man constituted like Shelley would have
made of hia life had he been alive in 1917." Without
any doubt his attempt has succeeded. I am, however,
bound to add this warning (if Mr. MAIS'S is not enough),
that a novel with such a purpose is not, and could not be,
milk for babes. Nothing that I had previously read of
Mr. MAIS'S had prepared me for the proficiency he shows
here. Obviously attached to the modern school of novelists,
he has many of its faults and more of its virtues. One
may accept his main point of view, yet be offended some-
times by his details. But the fact remains that in Geoffrey
Battersby he has given us a piece of character-drawing
almost flawlessly perfect. Not for a very long time has it
been my good fortune to attend such a triumph, and I wish
to proclaim it. The women by whom Geoffrey, the weak
and the wayward, was attracted hither and thither are also
well drawn ; but here Mr. MAIS shows his present limita-
tions. Nevertheless I feel sure that he has within him
the qualities that go to make a great novelist, and that if
lie will free himself from certain marked prejudices his
future lies straight and clear before him.

It was a happy idea of the Sisters MARY and JANE FIND-
LATER to call their now book of short stories Seen and
Heard (SMITH, ELDER), with the sub-title, Before and After
1014. I say short stories, but actually these have so far
outgrown the term that a half-do/en of them make up the

volume. They are all examples of the same gentle and
painstaking craft that their writers have before now
exhibited elsewhere. Hero are no sensational happen-
ings ; the drama of the tales is wholly emotional. My
own favourites are the first, called " The Little Tinker," a
half-ironical study of the temptation of a tramp mother
to surrender her child to the blessings of civilisation ; and
how, by the intervention of a terrible old woman, the queen
of the tribe, this momentary weakness was overcome. My
other choice, the last tale in the collection (and the only
one contributed by Miss MABY FINDLATER), is a dour little
comedy of the regeneration, through poverty and hard
work, of two underemployed and unpleasant elderly ladies.
A restful book, such as will keep no one awake at nights,
but will give pleasure to all who appreciate slight studies
of ordinary life sketched with precise and careful finish.

Their Lives (STANLEY PAUL) has at least this point of
originality, that it ends with the wedding of somebody other
than the heroine, or rather, I should say, the chief heroine,
because, strictly speaking, all throe daughters of Mr. and
Mrs. Radmall might be said jointly to fill this post, but
it is Christina, the eldest, who fills most of it. The other
two were named Virgilia and Orinthia, and I can't say
that these horrific labels did them any injustice. As for
the story of " their lives," as VIOLET HUNT tells it, there is
really nothing very much to charm in a history of three !
disagreeable children developing into detestable young
women. Perhaps it may have some value as a study of '
feminine adolescence, but I defy anyone to call the result
attractive. Its chief incident, which is (not to mince
matters) the attempted seduction by Christina of a middle-

100

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[FEBRUARY 7, 1917.

aged man, the father of one of her friends, mercifu'ly comes
to nothing. I like to believe that this sort of thing is as
unusual as it is unpleasant. For the rest, the picture of
the "artistic" household in which the children grew up, of
their managing mother, and the slightly soured and dis-
appointed painter their father, is drawn vividly enough.
But what unamiable people they all are ! " MILES IGNOTUS,"
who supplies a quaintly attractive little preface, in which
he speaks of having read the book in proof under shell-fire,
atl'octs to discover in them a kinship with Prussia. Cer-
tainly they are almost frightful enough.

Having read all about The Rise of Ledgar Dunstan
(DUCKWORTH) from obscurity to wealth, literary success
and aristocratic wedlock, I should be infinitely content to
leave him at that and have done ; but Mr. ALFRED
TRESIDDER SHEPPARD warns us that there is more to
follow, and even hints that the sequel, opening in July,
1914, may in many respects be far indeed from the dul-
ness of happily-ever-aftar. If Ledgar had baen satisfied
to marry the sweetheart of his
school-days there might have
been some danger of such a
disaster; but, having put his
humble past, including bis
Nonconformist conscience, too
diligently behind him for that,
he will have to face whatever
his author and the KAISER may
have in store, supported only
by a wife who is going, I trust
and balieve, to revenge on him
all the irritation which she
and I both felt at his attitude
of unemotional superiority to-
wards all the world. Some
people may think it almost a
pity that the lady cannot deal
similarly with Mr. SHEPPARD
himself in just reprisal for his
long-winded and nebulous way
of talking about Anti-Christ
and Armageddon, and for his
revolting incidents of murder
and insanity introduced with-
out any excuse of necessity. The book contains a consider-
able element of lively if undiscriminating humour, but its
insistence on the gruesome is so unfortunate that unless his
hero's future fate be already irrevocably fixed in manuscript
one would like to remind the author that essays in this
kind are the easiest form of all literary effort and the least
supportable.

With Serbia into Exile (MELROSE) is a book that will
suffer little from the fact that its tragic tale has already
been told by several other pens. Mr. FORTIER JONES, the
writer, has much that is fresh to say, and a very fresh and
vigorous way of saying it. His book and himself are both
American of the best kind which is to say, wonderfully
resourceful, observant, sympathetic and alive. From a
newspaper flung away by a stranger on the Broadway
Express, Mr. JONES first became aware that men were
wanted for relief work in Serbia, and " in an hour I had
become part of the expedition." That is a phrase charac-
teristic of the whole book. Though the matter of it is
the story, " incredibly hideous and incredibly heroic," of a
nation going into exile, Mr. JONES has always a kesn eye
for the picturesque and even humorous aspects of the
tragedy; he has a quick sense of the effective which

enables him to touch in many haunting pictures the
delusive peace of a sunny Autumn day among the Bosnian
mountains ; the face of KING PETER seen lor a moment
by lamplight amid a crowd of refugees ; and countless
others. More than a passing mention also is due to the
many quite admirable snapshots with which the volume
is illustrated. The author seems successfully to have
communicated his own gifts of observation and selection
to his camera, an instrument only too apt to betray those
who look to it for support. One is glad for many reasons
to think that our American cousins will read this book.

" GOD BLESS THE OLD WOMAN I SnE IS THOUGHTFUL. I
TOLD 'EB THERE WAS ICE IN THE TRENCHES THE LARST TIME
I WROTE, AND I'M BLEST IP SHE 'ABN'l BENT MB A PAIB
OP SKATES I "

The Man in the Fog (HEATH, CHANTOM) is a book that
I find exceedingly hard to classify. Its author, Mr. HARRY
TIGHE, has several previous stories to his credit, all of
which seem to have moved the critics to pleasant sayings.
But for my own part I have frankly to confess that I found
The Man in the Fo/j somewhat wheezy company. Tho Man
of the title was a kind of Northern Joseph, dismissed from
a promising partnership with Potiphar after a domestic

intrigue on the lines of the
original. The fog happens
when, years later, he meets
the daughter of Mrs. Potiphar
returning to her mother's
house, and (at the risk of
the poor girl catching her
death) detains her on the front
step with foggy allusions to
the mysterious past. I may
mention that his own conduct
in the interval had been such
as I can only regard as a
lamentable relapse from the
altitudeof the earlier chapters.
But it is all vastly serious it
would perhaps be unkind to
say sententious and wholly
unruffled by the faintest sug-
gestion of comedy. For which
reason I should never be
startled to learn that HARRY
TIGHE was either youthful,
Scotch, or female (or indeed,
for that matter, all three).
In any case I can only hope that he, or she, will not resent
my parting advice to cultivate a somewhat lighter touch,
and the selection of such words as come easily from the
tongue. Some of the dialogue in the present hook is
painfully unhuman.

A Great Problem Solved.

Some carry their season tickets in their hat-bands,
others fasten them on their wrists, others wear them
attached to cords. A correspondent writes :

" In my own overcoat I find an ingenious arrangement excellently
suited for tho purpose of carrying a season ticket, so that it shall be
at once secure and easily accessible. The tailor has made a horizontal
slit, about two-and-a-half inches wide, in the right side of the coat,
and cunningly inserted a small rectangular bag or pouch of linen, tho
whole thing being strongly stitched and neatly finished off with a
flap. It makes an admirable receptacle for a season ticket of
ordinary dimensions, and I recommend this contrivance to those
who may not be acquainted with it."

" Well-fed as we are at home, and conscious that the men who are
fighting our battles are the best provisioned forces who ever took the
field, we can contemplate the continuance of the coldest weather for
twenty years with equanimity." Daily Chronicle,

Or even for the duration of the War.

FEBRUARY 14, 1917.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

101

CHARIVARIA.

" WE will hold up wheat, we will
hold up meat, we will hold up muni-
tions of war and wo will hold up the
world's commerce," says Herr BALLIN.
Meanwhile his countrymen on the
Western front are content to hold up

their hands. .. f +

It is reported from Gorman Head-
quarters that the KAISER intends to
confer on Count BERNSTORFF the Iron
Cross with white ribbon. This has,
wo understand, caused consternation
in official circles, where it is felt that
after all the Count has done his best
for Germany. ...

" We are at war," says the Berlin? r
Tageblatt, a statement which only goes
to prove that thero is nothing hidden
from the great minds of Germany.

# tt

The report that Mr. HENRY FORD
has offered to place his works at the
disposal of the American authorities
seems to indicate that he is determined
to get America on his side, one way or
the other. . : . . ; .

Mr. S. F. EDGE, the famous motorist,
now on the FOOD CONTROLLER'S staff,
has given it as his opinion that a
simple outdoor life is best for pigs.
We are ashamed to say that our own
preference for excluding them from
our drawing-room has hitherto been
dictated by purely selfish motives.
*^*

America is making every preparation
for a possible war, and Mexico, not
to be outdone, has decided to hold a

Presidential election.

# ;;

It is true that Mr. GEORGE BERNARD
SHAW has visited the Front, but too
little has, we think, been made of the
fact that he wore khaki just like an
ordinary person, in fact.

A sensational story reaches us to
the effect that a new journalistic enter-
prise in Berlin is being devoted to the
"reliable reporting of news." We have
always maintained that to be successful
in business you must strike out on
original linos. ;!< !; .
' *

An exhibition of Zeppelin wreckage
has been opened in the Middle Temple
Gardens. The authorities are said to
be considering an offer confidentially
communicated to them by the German
Government to add Count ZEPPELIN as

an exhibit to the rest of the wreckage.

# *
*

Members of the Honor Oak Golf
Club are starting a piggery on their

course, and an elderly golfer who prac-
tises on a common near London is
about to write to The Spectator to state
that on Saturday he started a rabbit.

# ''.'

The American Association for the
Advance of Science decided at a recent
convocation that the ape had descended
from man. This statement has evoked
a very strong protest in monkey circles.

* *
*

The tuck-shops of Harrow have been
loyally placed out of bounds by the boys
themselves, though of course these
establishments, like the playing fields
of Eton, had their part in the winning
of Waterloo.

POOD DEVELOPMENT IN THE PARKS.

A FORECAST OP NEXT VALENTINE'S DAY.

Spinster (reads). " Dearest, moot me by the
scarecrow in Hyde Park."

One of our large restaurants is print-
ing on its menus the actual weight of
meat used in each dish. In others,
fish is being put on the table accom-
panied by its own scales.

':. *

We are requested to carry home our
own purchases, and one of the firms
for whom we feel sorry is Messrs.
FCRNESS, WITHY & COMPANY, of Liver-
pool, who have just purchased Passage
Docks, Cork. :;; ^

Australia by organising her Com-
monwealth Loan Group, once again
lives up to her motto, " Advance,

Australia." ,,. ...

The Coroner of East Essex having
set the example of keeping pigs in
his rose garden, it is rumoured that
The Daily Mail contemplates offering

a huge pri/.o for a Standard Rose-
Scented Pig. +

To be in lino with many of our con-
temporaries wo are able to state defi-
nitely that the War is bound to come
to an end, though we have not yet
fixed on the exact date.

AIR-CASTLES.
WHEN I grow up to be a man and wear

whato'er I please,
Black-cloth and serge and Harris-tweed

I will have none of these ;
For shaggy men wear Harris-tweed, so

Harris-tweed won't do,
And fat commercial travellers are

dressed in dingy blue ;
Lack-lustre black to lawyers leave and

sad souls in the City,
But I '11 wear Linsoy-Woolsey because

it sounds so pretty.
I don't know what it looks like,

I don't know how it feels,
But Linsey-Woolsey to my fancy
Prettily appeals.

And when I find a lovely maid to settle

all my cash on,
She will be much too beautiful to need

the gauds of fashion.
No tinted tulle or taffeta, no silk or

crepe-de-chine
Will the maiden of my fancy wear no

chiffon, no sateen,
No muslin, no embroidery, no lace of

costly price,
But she '11 bo clad in Dimity because

it sounds so nice.
I don't know what it looks like,

I do not know its feel,
But a dimpled maid in Dimity
Was ever my ideal.

The Last Menu Card.
"To-day is one of the great moments oi
history. Germany's last card is on the table.
It is war to the knife. Either she starves
Great Britain or Great Britain starves her."
Mr. Curtin in " The Times."

Mr. CURTIN has lost a great chance for
talking of " War to the knife-and-fork."
Possibly he was away in Germany at
the time when this jcu d'esprit was

invented.

"The Canadian papers are unanimous that
the German peace proposals are premature,
and will be refused saskatoon."

Examiner (Launccston, Tasmania).
We had not hoard before that Germany
had asked for Saskatoon, but anyway
we are glad she is not going to get it.

From a schoolgirl's essay :
"The Reconnaissance was the time when
people began to wake up ... Friar Jelicoe
was a very great painter; ho painted angles."
Probably an ancestor of the gallant
gentleman who recently had a brush
with the enemy.

VOL. (1 II.

102

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[FEBRUARY 14. 1917.

TACTLESS TACTICS.

WEKE I a burglar in the dock

With every chance of doing time,
With Justice sitting like a rock

To hear a record black with crime ;
If my conviction seemed a cert,

Yet, by a show of late repentance,
I thought I might, with luck, avert

A simply crushing sentence ;

I should adopt, by use of art,

A pensive air of new-born grace,
In hope to melt the Bench's heart

And mollify its awful face ;
I should not go and run amok,

Nor in a lit of senseless fury
Punch the judicial nose or chuck

An inkpot at the jury.

So with the Hun : you might assume

He would exert his homely wits
To mitigate the heavy doom

That else would break him all to bits ;
Yet he behaves as one possessed,

Rampaging like a bull of Bashan,
Whichj as I think, is not the best

Means of conciliation.

For when the wild beast, held and bound,

Ceases to plungo and rave and snort,
The Bench, I hope, will pass some sound

Eemarks on this contempt of court ;
The plea for mercy, urged too late,

Should prove a negligible cipher,
And when the sentence seals his fate

He '11 get at least a lifer.

0. S.

HEART-TO-HEART TALKS.

(The KAISER and Count BEBNSTOHFF.)

The Kaiser (concluding a tirade). And so, in spite of my
superhuman forbearance, this is what it has come to.
Germany is smacked in the face in view of the whole world
yes, I repeat it, is smacked in the face, and by a nation
which is not a nation at all, but a sweeping together of the
worst elements in all the other nations, a country whose
navy is ludicrous and whose army does not exist ; and you,
Count, have the audacity to come here into my presence
and tell me that, with the careful instructions given to you
by my Government and by myself, you were not able to
prevent such an end to the negotiations? It is a thing
that cannot be calmly contemplated. Even I, who have
learnt perhaps more thoroughly than other men to govern
my temper even I feel strangely moved, for I know how
deplorable will be the effect of this on our Allies and on the
other neutral Powers. Our enemies, too, will be exalted by
it and thus the War will be prolonged. No, Count, .at such
a moment one does not appear before one's Emperor with
a smiling face.

Count B. God knows, your Majesty, that it is not I who
have a smiling face. At such a moment there could be no
reason for it. But your Majesty will remember, in justice
to myself, that I have not ceased to warn your Majesty
from the very beginning that unless something actual and
definite was conceded to the feeling of the United States
trouble would surely come. First there was the treatment
of Belgium

The Kaiser. Bah! Don't talk to me of Belgium and the
Belgians. No more ungrateful race has ever infested the

earth. Besides, did I not say that my heart bled for
Louvain ?

Count B. The Americans, your Majesty, had the bad
taste not to believe you. It was in vain that I spread
those gracious words of yours broadcast throughout the
land. They only laughed at your Majesty.

The Kaiser. Yes, I know they did, curse them.

Count B. Then there carnc the deplorable sinking of the
Lusitania.

The Kaiser. Oh, don't speak to me of the Lusitania.
I 'm sick to death of the very name. Besides, how do you
dare to call her sinking deplorable? I authorised it; that
ought to bo enough for you and for everybody else.

Count B. I beg your Majesty's pardon. When I said
" deplorable " I was alluding not so much to the act itself
as to its effect on opinion in the United States. From that
moment the Americans stiffened in their attitude towards
us and became definitely and strongly unfavourable. I
warned your Majesty of this over and over again, but your
Majesty preferred to disregard what I said.

The Kaiser. And have you any complaint to make? Is
your opinion of yourself so high that one may not without
sacrilege disregard your opinion ?

Count B. Your Majesty is pleased to jest. I am not
infallible, not being an Emperor, but I happen in this case
to have been right. And then on the top of all the other
things comes the Note announcing the new under-sea
policy, and the ridiculous offer to allow the Americans to
be safe in one ship a week, provided she is painted in a
certain way. No, really, with a proud nation

The Kaiser. Proud ! A race of huckstering money-
grubbers.

Count B. With a proud nation I must repeat it, your
Majesty such a course must lead straight to war. But
perhaps that was what your advisers wanted, though I
cannot see why they should want it. But for myself I
must ask your Majesty to remember that I foretold what
has come to pass. There is parhaps yet time to undo
the mischief.

The Kaiser. No, it is too late.

AS OTHERS SEE US.
THE General Officer Commanding, as he appears to :

(1) His Chief of Staff. The one insuperable obstacle to
tactical triumphs such as C.ESAR and NAPOLEON never
knew.

(2) His youngest A.D.C. -A perpetual fountain of un-
sterilized language.

(3) Certain Subaltern*. The greatest man on earth.

(4) Tommy Atkins. A benevolent old buffer in scarlet
and gold who periodically takes an inexplicable interest in
Tommy's belt and brass buttons. An excuse for his
sergeant's making him present arms.

(5) The British Public. A name in the newspapers.

(6) Himself. (a) Before dinner : An unfortunate, over-
worked and ill-used old man. (b) After dinner : England's
hope and Sir WILLIAM ROBERTSON'S right hand.

(7) His Wife. A very lovable, but helpless, baby.

From an Indian teacher's report on the progress of his

school:

" A sad experience. Spirits for a time were very high. Our menials
talked of exploits and masters of glory in store. But soon the famines
set in. The treachery of the elements ravished the hopes of agricultur-
ists, the major portion of the supporters of the school. The

puffs of misery bleached \vhito the flush of early and latter times ;
dinner-hours grew few and far between ; and with tho Sun of Loaf
sank all wakefulncss to light and culture."

This last feature sounds a little like Berlin.

PUNCH, OB THE LONDON CHARIVARI. FEBRUARY 14. 1917.

RATIONAL SERVICE.

JOHN BULL. "SACRIFICE INDEED! WHY, I'M FEELING FITTER EVERY MINUTE, AN'D
I'VE STILL PLENTY OF WEIGHT' TO SPARE."

104

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [FBBEUABY 14, 1917.

'HOW THIS EGG GOT PAST THE FOOD CONTROLLER I CAN'T IMAGINE.'

THE THREE DICTATORS.

(Being a tragedy of the moment and in-
cidentally a guide to the art of hand-
ing out correspondence to the typist.)

THERE are, of course, as many styles
of dictating letters as there are of writ-
ing them ; but three stand out. One
is the Indignant Confidential ; one the
Hesitant Tactful ; and one the No-
Nonsense Efficient. Bitter experience
in three orderly London houses only a
day or so ago chances to have led to
such complete examples of each of
these styles that the reader has the
felicity of acquiring at the same time a
valuable insight into business methods
and a glimpse of what Nature in the
person of Jack Frost can do with even
the best regulated of cities.

We will take first the Hesitant
Tactful, where the typist is not merely
considered as a human being but in-
vited to become an ally. The dictator
is Mr. Vernon Crombie.

"Oh, Miss Carruthers, there's a letter
I want to dictate and get off by hand
at once, because my house isn't fit to live
in through burst pipes. The plumbers
promised to send yesterday, but didn't,
and to-day they can't come, it seems,

and really it 's most serious. Ceilings
being ruined, you know. The bore is
that there aren't any other plumbers
that I know of, and one is so at the
mercy of these people that we must go
very delicately. You understand. We
mustn't say a word to set their backs
up any higher than they already are.
Anger "s no good in this case. Here
we must be tactful, and I want you to
help me. I knew you would.

Now we '11 begin. To Messrs. Morrow
& Hope. Dear Sirs, / hate no,
that 's a little too strong, perhaps /
much dislike that 's better / much
dislike to bother you at a time when I
know you must be overworked in <.'ivr//
direction you see the idea, don't you ?
What we've got to do is to get on their
soft side. It's no use bullyragging
them ; understanding their difficulties
is much bettor. You see that, don't
you? Of course; I knew you would.
Now then. Where was I ? Oh yes
overworked in every direction; but if,
as you promised yesterday, but unfortu-
nately were unable^-i think that 's good,
don't you? Much better than saying
that they had broken their promise
to manage, you could spare a man to
attend to our pipes without further de-
lay I think you might underline with-

out further delay. Would that be safe,
I wonder ? Yes, I think so / should
be more than grateful. And now there 's
a problem. What I have been ponder-
ing is if it would be wise to offer to
pay an increased charge. I 'd do any-
thing to get the pipes mended, but, on
the other hand, it's not a sound pre-
cedent. A state of society in which
everyone bid against everyone else
for the first services of the plumber
would be unbearable. Only the rich
would ever be plumbed, and very soon
the plumbers would be the million-
aires. Perhaps we had better let the
letter go as it is ? You think so and I
think so. Very well then, just Believe
me, yours faithfully, and I '11 sign it."

And now the Indignant and Confiden-
tial. Mr. Horace Bristowe is dictative :
" Ah, here you are, Miss Tappit. Now
I 've got trouble with the plumbers,
and I want to give the blighters well,
I can't say it to you, but you know
what I mean. There 's my house drip-
ping at every pore, or rather pouring
at every drip I say, that 's rather
good ; I must remember that to tell
them this evening. Just put that
down on a separate piece of paper,
will you. Well, here 's the place all
soaked and not a man can I get. They

FKHUUAHY 14, 1917.]

PUNCH, nil TIIH LONDON ( 'I I A III V \ IM.

105

ised to send on Tuesday, they

j promised to send yesterday, and this

I morning comes a note saying that they

i can't now HOIK! till to-morrow. What

. >u think of that? And they luivo

worked for mo for years. Years I vo

boon employing them.

'Lot's begin, any way. 'J'" '

'l',n/i/it l\niill. Dear Sirs No, I'm

hanged if I '11 call them dear. Ridicu-
lous convention! They're not dear
except iii their charges. I say, that's
not had. No, just put Gentlemen. But
that's absurd too. They 're not gentlo-
mon, the. swine ! They 'ro anything but
gentlemen, they're blackguards, swin-
dlers, liars. Seriously, Miss Tappit, I
ask you, isn't it monstrous? Here am
I, an old customer, with burst pipes
doing endless damago, and they can't
send anyone till to-mornr.v. Ideally, you
, it 's the limit. I know about the
War and all that. I make every allow-
ance. But I still say it's the limit.
Woll, wo must put the thing in the
third person, 1 suppose, if I'm not to
call them either 'dear' or 'gentlemen.'
Mr. llnriici' Uri.itowe presents his comp
Good Heavens! he does nothing of
(he kind -.I//-. Hunter llristowe begs to
I'-egsl Of course I don't beg. This
really is becoming idiotic. Can't one
\\ ril e a letter like an honest man, instead
of all this flunkey business ? Begin
again : To Messrs Tarry i Nott. Mr.
Horace Bristou'c considers that lie has
. : ri'iit''/! irith a lack of considera-
tion no, we can't bave ' considers '
and 'consideration' so near together.
What's another word for 'considera-
tion'? t willed icith a lack of a lack
of - "Well, we '11 keep ' consideration '
and alter ' considers." Begin again :
Mr. Horace JSristowe thinks no, that 's
not strong enough believes no. Ah,
I've got it .r. Horace Kristowe holds
that he hits been Irenli-d In/ ijou with a
lack of ronaidenitinn irliich I wonder
if ' which ' is better than ' that ' a luck
nf oonsideration that, considering his
long no, we can't have ' considering '
just after 'consideration' that no,
ir Iii eh which in view of his long

;<l as What I want to say is

that it 's an infernal shame that after
all these years, in which I 've put
business in their way and paid them
scores of pounds, they should treat me
in this scurvy fashion, that 's what I
mean. The swine! I tell you, Miss
Tappit, it 's infamous. I (and so on).
The No- Nonsense Efficient business-
man, so clear-headed and capable that
it is his continual surprise that he is
not in the Cabinet without the pre-
liminary of an election, handles his
correspondence very differently. He
presses a button for Miss Pether. She
is really Miss Carmichael, but it is a

THE BROTHERS TIKOO, WHO ABB KXBUITKD FROM MILITARY SERVICE, DO TIIKIU
BIT BY HELPING TO TRAIN LADIES WHO ABB GOING ON THE LAND.

rule in this model office that the typist
takes a dynastic name, and Pether now
goes with the typewriter, just as all
office-boys are William. Miss Pether
arrives with her pad and pencil and
glides swiftly and noiselessly to her
seat and looks up with a face in which
mingle eagerness, intelligence, loyalty
and knowledge of her attainments.

" To Messrs. Promises & Brake, says
the business man, Gentlemen comma
the pipes at my house were not properly
mended by your man yesterday comma
and there is still a leakage comma which
is causing both damage and inconveni-
ence full stop Please let me have comma
in reply to this comma an assnn.ii /
that someone shall be sent round at once
dash in a taxi comma if necessary full
stop. If such an assurance cannot be
i/iri'ii comma I sJiall call in another
firm and refuse to pay your account full
slop. Since the new trouble is due to
your employee's own negligence comma
I look to you to give this job pnoi it//
over all others full stop. My messenger
waits full stop. 'I am comma yours
faithfully comma. Let me have it at
once and tell the boy to get a taxi."
ii.

None of the plumbers sent any men.

" In some courts the carrying of matches
has been regarded as a light offence, but this
will not be the case in future." Irish Times.

We note the implied rebuke to the
jester on the Bench.

SONGS OF FOOD-PRODUCTION.

ii.
MUSTARD- AND-CBESS in Mayfair,

Belgravia's Winter Greens ;
None so nicely as they fare

Save Cox's Kidney Beans ;
Mustard-and-Cress in boxes,

Greens in the jardiniere,
And a trellis of Beans at Cox's,

Facing Trafalgar Square.

Lady Biflington's daughters

Are mulching the Greens with Clay ;
Lady Smiffington waters

The Mustard-and-Cress all day ;
And Cox's cashiers (those oners !)

Are feeling extremely rash,
For they 're pinching the tips of the
Runners

As they never would pinch your cash.

Mighty is May fair's Mustard,

The Cress is hardy and hale ;
Belgravia's housemaids dust hard

To keep the dust from the Kale ;
But Cox's cashiers look solemn,

For their Beans (which sell by the

sack)
Would cover the Nelson Column

If they didn't keep pinching them
back.

"\VEATIII.R AT HEALTH RESORT*.

Sun- Temp.

shine. Max. Min. AVi-atlier.
IVlixstowe . 0.0 . 22 . 29 . Sonic snow.
Morning Paper.
And some thermometer.

10G

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[FEBRUARY 14, 1917.

PETHERTON'S DONKEY;

OR, PATRIOTISM AND PUBLICITY.

I HADN'T had a letter-writing bout
with Petherton for some time, and,
feeling in need of a little relaxation, I
seized the opportunity afforded by
Potherton's installing a very noisy
donkey in his paddock adjoining my
garden, and wrote to him as follows:

DEAR Mn. PETHEKTON, I do not
like making complaints against a
neighbour, as you know, but the new
tenant of your field does not seem to
argue a good selection on your part,
unless his braying has a more soothing
effect on you than it has on me.
Yours sincerely,

HARRY J. FORDYCE.

I was evidently in hick, as I drew
Petherton's literary fire at once.

Sra (ho wrote), - 1 should have
thought that you would have been the
last person in the world to object to
this particular noise. Allow me to in-
form you that I purchased the donkey
for several family and personal reasons
which cannot possibly concern you.
Faithfully yours,

FREDERICK PETHERTON.

I translated this letter rather freely
for my own ends, and replied :

DEAR PETHERTON, I apologise. I
had no idea that the animal was in any
way connected with your family. If it
is a poor relation I must say you are
fortunate in being able to fob him (or
should it be her?) off so easily, as he
(or she) appears to live a life of com-
parative luxury, at little cost, I should
imagine, to yourself. I shall be glad to
know whether the animal, in exercis-
ing its extraordinary vocal powers, is
calling for his (or her) mate, or merely
showing off for the amusement of
your fascinating poultry who share its
pleasaunce.

Can t you possibly fit the brute with
a silencer, as the noise it makes is dis-
turbing, especially to me, my study
window being very close to the hedge?
Yours sincerely,

HARRY FORDYCE.

P.S. I am thinking of laying dosvn
a bed of poisoned carrots for early use.
Perhaps with your chemical knowledge
you can suggest an effective top-dress-
ing for them.

Petherton rose to the bait and wrote
the same night as follows :

SIR, In your unfortunate corres-
pondence with me you have always
shown yourself better at rudeness than
repartee. Did you not learn at school
the weakness of the tn quoquc line of
argument? You speak of your study

window being near my field. The
name "study" suggests literary efforts.
Is it in your case merely a, room de-
voted to the penning of senseless and
impertinent letters to unoffending neigh-
bours, who have something bettor to
do than waste their time reading and
answering them ? I hope this letter
will be the last one I shall find it neces-
sary to write to you.

lie your postscript. Try prussic acid,
but pray do not confine it to the toilets
of your carrots. A few drops on the
tongue would, I am sure, make you
take a less distorted view of things, and
you would cease to worry over such
trifles as the braying of a harmless
animal. Faithfully yours,

FREDEUICK PETHERTON.

Of course I simply had to reply to
this, but made no reference to the tu
qitoque question. He had evidently
failed to grasp, or had ignored, the
rather obvious suggestion in the last
few words of my first letter on the
subject. I wrote :

MY DEAR CHAP, Thanks so much
for your prompt reply and valuable
information about prussic acid. There
was, however, one omission in the pre-
scription. You didn't say on whose
tongue the acid should bo placed. If
you meant on the donkey's it seems an
excellent idea. I '11 try it, so excuse
more now, as the chemist's will be
closed in a few minutes.

Yours in haste, HARRY F.

Petherton was getting angry, and
his reply was terse and venomous : -

SIR, Yes, I did mean the donkey's.
It will cure both his stupid braying and
his habit of writing absurd and childish
letters.

But if you poison my donkey it will
cost you a good deal more than you
will care to pay, especially in war-time.

It is a pity you're too old for the
army; you might have been shot by
now. Faithfully yours,

FREDERICK PETHERTON.

I had now got on to my fourth speed,
and dashed off this reply :

DEAB FREDDY, I like you in all your
moods, but positively adore you when
you are angry. As a matter of fact I
arn very fond of what are so absurdly
known as dumb animals, and am glad
now that the chemist's was closed last
night before I decided whether to go
there or not. BALAAM himself would
have been proud to own your animal.
It roused me from my bed this morning
with what was unmistakably a very fine
asinine rendering of the first few bars
of "The Yeoman's Wedding," but un-
fortunately it lost the swing of it before
the end of the first verse.

Yours as ever, HARRY.

Potherton gave up the contest ; but
I let him have a final tweak after seeing
the announcement of his splendid and
public-spirited action to help on the
War Food scheme.

DEAR OLD BOY (I wrote), How
stupid you must have thought mo all
this time ! Only when I learnt from
the paragraph in this morning's Sur-
bury Examiner that, in response to the
suggestion of theEural District Council,
you have lent your field to the poor
people of the neighbourhood for grow-
ing War Food did I realise the meaning
of the dulcet-toned donkey's presence
in your field.

The growing of more food at the
present time is an absolute necessity,
but it was left to you to discover this
novel method of proclaiming to Surbury
that here in its midst was land waiting
to be put to really useful purpose.

I do not know which to admire the
more, your patriotism or the ingenuity
displayed in your selection of so admir-
able a mouthpiece from among your
circle of friends. Yrs., H.

Petherton has left it at that.

NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN.

(SECOND SERIES.)

XVIII.

BAYSWATER.
THE Bays came down to water

Neigh ! Neigh ! Neigh !
And there they found the Brindled
Mules

Bray! Bray! Bray!
"How dare you muddy the Bays' water

That was as clear as glass ?
How dare you drink of the Bays' water,

You children of an Ass? "

" Why shouldn't we muddy your water ?

Neigh ! Neigh ! Neigh !
Why shouldn't we drink of your water.

Pray, pray, pray ?
If our Sire was a Coster's Donkey

Our Dam was a Golden Bay,
And the Mules shall drink of the Bays'
water

Every other day ! "

XIX.

KENTISH TOWN.
As I jogged by a Kentish Town

Delighting in the crops,
I met a Gipsy hazel-brown

With a basketful of hops.

" You Sailor from the Dover Coast
With your blue eyes full of ships,

Carry my basket to the oast
And I "11 kiss you on the lips."

Once she kissed me with a jest,

Once with a tear
where "s the heart was in my breast

And the ring was in my ear ?

14, 1917.] PUNCH, OR THK LONDON CHARIVAIM.

107

Head of Gorcrnnieiti Department (in his private room in reccntly-commindeered lio'el). " Box ! BUINQ BOMB MOBB COAI.1 "

WAR'S ROMANCES.

[Now that fiction 13 occupying itself so
much with military mutters, it is necessary
to warn the lady novelist as it used to be
iry in other days to warn her in relation
to sport to cultivate accuracy. There is a
constant danger that the popular story will
include such passages as follow.]

" Corporal Cutlibert Crcwdson," said
thcColonol in a kindly voiee,"your work
lias been very satisfactory so much
so that I have decided to promote you.
From to-day you will no longer be
Corporal, but Lance-Corporal." \Yitli
a grateful smile our hero saluted and
retired to draw his lance at the Adju-
tant's stores.

"Darling," cried the handsome young
private, " 1 told the Colonel of our en-
giigeinent, and ho said at once I. might
bring you to tea at our Mess any Sun-
day afternoon."

One night, as Private Jones and tho
Sergeant-major \\vni strolling arm-in-
arm through the High Street . . .

"Remember," said the old Major,
eyeing his eighteen-year-old subaltern
son with a shrewd affectionate glance,
" a little well-placed courtesy goes a

long way. For instance, if a Sergeant
should call you ' Sir,' never forget to
say ' Sir ' to him."

Osbert, his cane dangling from his left
hand and with Mabel at his* side, sailed
proudly down Oxford Street. Suddenly
a Tommy hove in sight. At once Osbert
passed his stick to his other hand,
leaving the left one free. The next
moment the man was saluting, and
Osbert, bringing up his left hand in
acknowledgment, passed on.

" It is always well to bo scrupu-
lously correct in these little details,"
lie explained.

Mildred, her heart Ix'ating rapidly,
stood shyly behind the muslin curtain
as George, looking very gallant in
khaki, strode past the window with
his frog hopping along at his side.

Sidney Bellairs, apparently so stern
and unbending on parade, was adored by
his men. Often he had been known,
when acting as "orderly officer" (as the
olliccr is called who has to keep order),
to carry round with him a light camp-
stool, which, with his unfailing charm
of manner, he would offer to some
weary sentry. "There, my boy, sit

down," ho would say, without a trace
of condescension.

Lord Debenham succeeded because
even in small things ho could look
ahead. "Ethelred," he would say
to his batman, " there is to be a field-
day to-morrow, so see that my haver-
sack, water-bottle and slacks are put
ready for me in the morning."

" Very good, my lord," the orderly
would answer.

Marmaduka sprang forward. The
Hun's bomb, its pin withdrawn, was
about to explode. Coolly removing his
costly gold -and -diamond tie-pin, he
thrust this substitute into the ap-
pointed place in tho terrible sixy.ling
bomb, and stood back with a little
smilo. The next moment his General
stepped towards him and pinned to his
breast tho Victoria Cross.

Colonel Blood belonged to the old
school irascible, even explosive, but
at bottom a heart of gold. Often after
thrashing a subaltern with his cane for
somo neglect of duty he would smile
suddenly and invite the offender to dine
with him at tho Regimental Mess as if
nothing had happened.

108 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVABI. [FEBRUARY u. 1917.

Lady (asking for the third time). " HAVE WE BEACHED No. 234 YKT? "

Conductor. ."YES, MUM. HERE YOU ABB." [Stops frtts.] .

Lady. "On, I DIDN'T WANT TO GET OUT. I ONLY WANTED TO SHOW MY LITTLE FIDO WHERE HE WAS nor.x."

A NEW DANGER

"I DON'T know if you realise," said
Ernest, " that since Army signalling
I became fashionable a new danger con-
i fronts us."

" If you mean that an enthusiast
might start semaphoring unexpectedly
in a confined space and get his neigh-
bour in the eye, I may say that I have
thought of it," I answered. -"But it
isn't worth worrying very much about.
He wouldn't do it more than once."

"It isn't that," said Ernest. "It's
something much more subtle and in-
sidious. It is the growing tendency
in ordinary conversation to use ' Ack '
for A, ' Beer ' for B, ' Emma ' for M,
' Esses ' for S, ' Toe ' for T, etc. When
you told me you were going to see your
Aunt at 3 P.M., for instance, you said
' 3 Pip Emma.' And it isn't as if you
were at all good at Semaphore or Morse
either.

" Imagine," he continued, " the effect
upon a congregation of the announce-
ment from the pulpit that the Eeverend
John Smith, Beer Ack, will preach next

Sunday. Or upon a meeting when told
that Mr. Carrington Ponk, J. Pip, will
now speak. Think of Aunt Jane and
all her Societies," he went on gloomily.
" Imagine her saying that she 's going
to an Esses Pip G. meeting to-morrow.
It 's a dreadful thought. It will extend
to people's initials, too. The great
T. P. will be Toe Pip O'CONNOR. Some-
thing will have to be done about it."

"tfhere 's only one thing to be done,"
I said. " You must get into Parliament
and bring in a Bill about it. All might
yet be well if you were an Emma Pip."

The Hungry Huns.

"The Berliner Tageblatt's correspondent
states that the ground at St. Pierre Vaast has
been converted into a marsh iu which half-
frozen soldiers, wot to the skin and kuee-deep
in mud, absorb the shells."

New Zealand Paper.

" The dispute, he claimed, was not started
by the employees, but by the employer making
sweeping reductions in the ages of the men."
Daily Paper.

If he wants to do this sort of thing with
impunity he should employ women.

A Food Problem.

DEAR MB. PUNCH, Please do tell
me. Must I count sausages under the
meat or the bread allowance? I do so
want to help my country faith fully.
, Yours, WORRIED HOUSEWIFE.

"REWARD 2s. 6d. Lost, a small Silver
Toothpick, value sentimental."

Nottingham Evening Post.

The latest thing in love-tokens.

"After a debate lasting three days, the
Senate rejected the motion approving Mr.
Wilson's Nose." The Bulletin (Lahore).

The Senate has since shown its impar-
tiality by registering its profound dis-
approval of the KAISER'S Cheek.

" A special constable has received the Silver
Modal of the Society for Protection of Life
from fire for his gallantry in mounting a
ladder at a local fire last May and rescuing a
cook." Daily Paper.

It is understood that members of
the regular "force" consider that he
showed some presumption in not leav-
ing this particular task to them. .

PUNCH, OR TI1K LONDON CHABIVABL I'I:I.IU-AHY 14, 1917.

BLIGHTED PKOSPECTS.

13ERNSTOUHF (bitterly). " PHETTY MESS YOU'VE MADE OF IT WITH YOUR XI" \V
FRIGHTFULNESS. I'VE LOST MY JOB!"

HIN-DEKBUUG (also bitterly). "WELL, YOU 'BE WELCOME TO MINE."

HO PUNCH, Oil THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [FEBBUABY 14, 1917.

s--' ' '!L . ' - . ' _ "''. *" .

WHY

Dug-out (who lias been put off on tlie last three greens by his caddie siueiiny, aiuL has now foozled his putt ayain).
s- DIDN'T you SNEEZE? I WAS COUNTING ON IT."

" CONFOUND YOU 1

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

Wednesday, February 1th. His
MAJESTY opened Parliament to-day for
what we all hope will be the Victory
Session. But it will not be victory
without effort. That was the burden
of nearly all the speeches made to-day,
from the KING'S downwards. His
MAJESTY, who had left his crown and
robes behind, wore the workmanlike
uniform of an Admiral of the Fleet; and
the Peers had forgone their scarlet and
ermine in favour of khaki and sable.
When Lord STANHOPE, who moved
the Address, ventured, in the course
of an oration otherwise sufficiently
sedate, to remark that "tlie great crisis
of the War had passed," Lord CUHZON
was swift to rebuke this deviation into
cheerfulness. On the contrary, he de-
clared, we were now approaching " the
supreme and terrible climax of the
War." He permitted himself, how-
ever, to impart one or two comforting
items of information with regard to the
arming of existing merchant-ships, the
construction of new tonnnge and the

development of inventions for the dis-
covery and deletion of submarines. For
excellent reasons, no doubt, it was all
a little vague, but in one respect his
statement left nothing to be desired in
the way of precision. " The present
Government, in its seven weeks of
office, had taken but two large and one
small hotels," and is, I gather, marvel-
ling at its own moderation.

1 was a little disappointed with the
speeches of the Mover and Seconder
of the Address in the Commons, for
of recent years there has been a
great improvement in this difficult
branch of oratory. Sir HEDWOKTH
MEUX must, I think, have been
dazzled by the effulgence of his epau-
lettes, which were certainly more highly
polished than his periods. When in
mufti he is much briefer and brighter.
As Mr. ASQUITH however found both
speeches " admirable," no more need
be said.

The LEADER OP THE OPPOSITION, as
one must for convenience style him
though in truth there is no Opposition,
in the strict sense of the word just

said what he ought to have said. For
one brief moment he seemed to be
straying on to dangerous ground, when
he put some questions regarding the
I scope of the coming Imperial Con-
] fercnce ; but the rest of his speech was
| wholly in keeping with the peroration, |
in which he pleaded that in the prose- j
cution of the Nation's aim there should j
i be " no jarring voices, no party cross-
j currents, no personal or sectional dis-
tractions."

Unfortunately thei'e is a section of
the Commons over which he exercises
no control. When Mr. BONAR LAW, as
Leader of the House, rose to reply,
.the "jarring voices" of Mr. SNOWDEN
I and others of his kidney were heard in
i chorus, calling for the PRIME MINISTER.
I Mr. LAW paid no attention to the
I interruption. Ho cordially thanked
Mr. ASQUITH for his speech, "the best
possible testimony to the unity of this
country," and assured him that the
Imperial Conference would be prim-
arily concerned with the successful
prosecution of the War. The GERMAN
EMPEROR had proved himself a great

14, 1917.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CIIARIVAKL

Empire - builder, but it was not bis
own empire that bo \v;is bnildlng,

Later on Mr. PRINOLK reverted to
the absence of tbo I'HIMR MINISTKI:,
wliich be, as a person of taste, inter-
preted as " studied disrespect of tlio
llnu>e of Commons." In this vic-u
he was supported by Mr. KINC;. Mr.
LI.OYD GKOKCIK must really be careful.

Strange to say, no public notice was
taken of another distinguished absentee)
the Member for East Herts. A fe\v
days ago, after a violent collision with
Mr. JUSTICE DARLING, Mr. PKIIIIERTON-
BILLINO announced his intention of
resigning bis seat and submitting him
self for re-election. But since then we
have been given to understand that a
vote of confidence proposed by PI:M-
RERTON, seconded by BILLIXO, and
carried unanimously by the hyphen,
had convinced him that, as in the
leading case of Mr. CKOIL KHODES,
"resignation can wait."

Thursday,. February 8th. When we
read day by day long lists of merchant
vessels sunk by the enemy submarines
two questions occur to most of us.
How does the amount of tonnage lost
compare with the amount of new ton-
nage put afloat, and what is the number
of submarines that the Navy lias ac-
counted for in recent months ? Mr.
FLAVIN put the first question to-day,
but found Sir LEO CHIOZZA MONKY,
who usually exudes statistics at every
pore, singularly reticent on the subject.
All he would say was that a largo
programme of new construction was
in hand.

Private Members blew off a great
volume of steam to-day on the pro-
posal of the Government to take the
whole time of the House. Scotsmen,
Irishmen and an Englishman or two
joined in the plea that at least they
should be allowed to introduce their
various little Bills, even if they did not
get any further. Perhaps if a Welsh-
man had joined the band they might
have been listened to. As it was, only
one of them received any comfort. This
was Mr. SWIFT MAONEILL, who was
informed that the Bill to deprive the
enemy dukes of their British titles, for
which he has been clamouring these
two years, would shortly be introduced.
But for the rest Mr. BONAR LAW was
not inclined at this crisis in our fate
to encourage the raising of questions,
most of them acutely controversial,
which would distract attention from
the War.

On an amendment to the Address
Mr. LESLIE SCOTT took up his brief for
the British farmer, who, deprived of his
skilled men and faced with higher prices
for fertilizers and feeding-stuffs, was ex-
pected to grow more food without hav-

Jones (to cloak-room attendant), "How MUCH?"

Cloak-room Attendant. "THERE is NO VEBBAL CHARGE, SIB."

ing any certainty that he would be able
to dispose of it at a remunerative price.
Farming is always a bit of a gamble,
but in ^present conditions it beats the
Stock Exchange hollow. Some of the
proposals which Mr. SCOTT outlined to
improve the situation would have been
denounced as revolutionary three years
ago, and were a little too drastic even
now for Mr. PBOTHERO. Squeezed
between the WAR MINISTER and the
FOOD CONTROLLER, the MINISTEB OF
AGRICULTURE rather resembles the
Dormouse in Alice in Wonderland; but
he is really quite all right, thank you.
Mr. GEORGE LAMBERT thinks that the
author of "The Psalms in Human Life"
is too saintly to tackle Lords DERBY
and DEVONPORT, but, if my memory

serves me, DAVID no allusion to the
PREMIER had a- rather pretty gift of
invective.

Lot no-one say that England is not
at last awake. Mr. CHARLES BATBURST
to-night made the terrific announce-
ment that in some parts of the coun-
try Masters of Hounds are shooting
foxes.

" This brings the War home," said
FERDINAND THE FEARFUL when he
heard the news.

" It was agreed to express satisfaction with
the announcement that the price fixed for tin-
potato crop of 1917 was not a miximum price."

Scott Paper.

This must be the happy moan of which
we hear so much.

112

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIV.MM.

iJ''i:i:uuAUY 14, 1917.

THE RECENT TRUCE.

STUDENTS of geography know that
Ballybun is divided from the hack
gardens of Kilterash by the pellucid
waters of that noble stream, the Bun,
which hurls itself over a barrier of old
tin-cans in a frantic effort to find the
sea. But they do not know that this
physical division, long ago bridged, is
nothing to the moral and political
division which will keep the two for
ever asunder.

Several of our younger citizens have
written to me from the trenches to ask
how the War is progressing. 1 have
usually in reply quoted the remark of
one of their number on leaving
us for the Front after a short
holiday, that he was now look-
ing forward to a little peace
and rest. I wish here to add
a postscript to this concerning
a recent unexpected truce.

Political geography is not
written as it should be, so that
there may be people who have
not even heard of the Great
War between Ballybun and
Kilterash. No one knows for
certain when it started, or why.
A local antiquary, after pro-
longed study of chronicles, me-
morials, rolls and records, to
say nothing of local church-
yards, refers it with some con-
fidence to the reign of HENRY
II. (Louis VII. being King of
France, in the pontificate of
ADRIAN IV. and so on), and to
the forcible abduction of a pig
(called the White Pearl) by the
then ruling monarch of Kilter-
ash. The Editor of The Kil-
terash Curfew, in one of his
recent " Headings for the Day
of Rest," remarked that Chris- {
tian charity compelled him to L
hurl this foul aspersion back

worthy friend, the Editor of The Curfew,
who pointed out, more in anger than in
sorrow, that Ballybun had sent six men
fewer than Kilterash. The second
truce again broken by the enemy
concerned myself. Wishing to add, if
possible, to the evidence from monu-
ments contained in my pamphlet, I
was copying an inscription 1 had only
just discovered in the disused church-
yard of Killyburnbrae, when one of
these light Atlantic showers sprang up
and soaked me to the backbone. The
result was influenza and a high tem-
perature, which rose while I was read-
ing The Curfew upon my brochure,

" The White Pearl of Ballybun, an Tm-

of her and reached the Editor of The
Curfew in the middle of a philippic.
Next morning I was astounded to road
in his editorial columns : " Our distin-
guished neighbour and friend if he
will allow us to call him so - is now no
more ; in other words is gone ... as
VIRGIL remarks . . . famous anti-
quarian . . . scrupulous and method-
ical, and, as wo remarked in our last
issue, reminiscent of the palmy days of
the best German monumental scholar-
ship . . . our slight differences never
affected the esteem in which we held
him as a patriot, citizen, ratepayer and

Man
Now

FOOD VALUES IN OUR RESTAURANTS.
Customer. " WHAT DO you SUGGEST FOE TO-DAY, Miss ? "
Waitress (laie of Oirton). "WELL, SIR, ROAST MUTTON,

TWO VEGETABLES AND SWEETS WILL GIVE YOU THE NECES-
SARY PROTEIN, CALORIES AND CARBO-HYDRATKS."

this was kindly and fair. I
have written to iny worthy
friend and have proposed to
dedicate to him my forthcom-
ing work (non-partisan) on the
" Slant Observable in Some
Church-Spires, Part I." When
lie had to anbury me, war had
to be resumed it was his side
that insisted upon it but as
far as the two chieftains are
concerned it is a war without
bitterness. He now introduces
his attacks with " Our hon-
oured and able antiquarian
friend"; while my answers
breathe such sentiments as
"The genial editor of that
well-conducted organ."

teeth of this so-called antiquary ; the

in the | partial Examination with the Original

knew that the pig had
the parish of Kilterash,

whole world

been born in

but had " strayed " across the Bun,

as things too often had the habit of

straying.

I am the "so-called antiquary." My
little pamphlet proves in less than
three hundred pages the truth of my
allegation concerning the abduction of
the White Pearl, giving the original
texts on which I rely and the genea-
logies of all concerned in a sordid story.

Since 1157, as far as history records,
we have been afflicted with only two
periods of truce. One was when, on
hearing of the foul wrong done by the
German Brute in Belgium, we united
in enlisting recruits for our local regi-
ment. This truce was broken by my

Documents herein set out and now for
the first time deciphered by a Member
of the Society of Antiquarians. Dedi-
cated to All Lovers of the Truth.
Printed by the Ballybun Binnacle
Press."

2V(e Curfew said of this fair state-
ment of the evidence (with the original
documents, mind you) that it smacked
of German scholarship and their grave-
yard style of doing tilings. My blood
boiled at this, and to keep me cool my
niece, who lives with me, pulled down
all the blinds, as the sun was strong.

An old fish-woman passing by saw
this and said, " Well, well, the poor old
fellow 's gone at last ! A decent man
in his time, with no taste in fish 1 We
must all come to it." From her the
news spread forty miles on either side ] superfluous.

As You Were.

" BIowtoNarkets. Rise of nearly
400 points. Cotton jump. Ger-
many's note breaks the market."
Lircrpool Kclifi, Feb. 1.

' ' Blow to Markets. Fall of nearly
400 points. Cotton slump."

.Same J'aper, Later Kdilinn.

In spite of this sensational
transformation of a jump into
a slump wo are glad to seo that
.1 typographically at any rate

thi] markets had recovered a little from

their early derangement.

' Supposing a man has porridge and bacon for
breakfast and a cut from the point or a shop or
steak for luncheon he may rind that ho has
consumed his moat allowance for the day."
Daily Mail (Manchester Edition).

Is not the food problem sufficiently
difficult already without theseadditional
complications'? The man who wants
a whole shop for his luncheon will get
no sympathy from us.

From a list of Canon MASTERMAN'S
lectures on "The War and the Smaller
Nations of Europe " :

'April 2nd (possibly), 'The Reconstruction
of Europe.' " Western Morning Newt.

We commend the lecturer's caution,
but hope it will prove to have been

1'KKiil'AUV 14, 1917,]

on THK LONDON rn \i;iv.\i;r.

113

THIS IS SOT A SCI1SR FKOM A JU.VUE IT IS HARDLY DULL ENOUGH FOB THAT BCI AX EVERYDAY PEBKOnMASCB ON THE
)! ATFOUM Ol 1 ANY UAILWAY STATION DUB1NU THE BECENT COLD SPELL.

A FORWARD MINX.

THE garden wall was high, yet not
so high hut that any young lady bent
on attracting the notice of her neigh-
bours could look over it. Misa Dot
indeed regarded an outside flight of
steps which led to an upper storey us
an appointed amelioration to the hours
which she was expected to spend in
the garden, for it was an easy scramble
from the stairs to the top of the wall,
whence she could survey the world.
To be sure the wall was narrow as
well us high, but a timorous gait shows
off a pretty figure, and slight nervous-
ness adds a pathetic expression to a
pretty face; to both of which advan-
tages Dot \\as not, it is to be believed,
altogether indifferent when khaki coats
dwelt the other side of that wall.

On this particular day she was tr\ ing
to attract notice in so unrest rained a
iiKinner that her mother remarked it
from an upper window. But mothers,
we are told in these latter days, are not
always the wisest guurdinns of their
"flapper" daughters. This mother had
a decided p,'iu-!i<tnt for a khaki coat her-
self; only she demanded braid on the
cuff and a smartly cut collar, and these

she would greet in the street with a
tender act of homage which rarely
failed to win admiring attention. But
for a daughter who would dash down
the road after a Tommy she had con-
tempt rather than disapproval. So
she watched with interest, but, alas !
with no idea of interference.

At first there were only "civvies"
about, and though the admiration of any
youthful male was dear to Dot's heart,
and though chaff and blandishments
were not wanting, still the wall was high,
and she lacked the resolve to descend.
But presently two khaki coats appeared
and the matter grew more serious. It
was evident that it was not principle
or modesty that held her back, but just
timidity, for she responded eagerly to
the advances of her admirers, but could
not quite pluck up courage for that long
jump down. Affairs grew shameless,
for the khaki coats fetched a ladder to
the. elopement ; but Dot made it
clear that there were difficulties in that
method of flight, though she wished
there were not. At last she was en-
ticed to a lower portion of the. wall,
and there, half screened by shrubs,
she was lilted off by the shoulders,
deliciously reluctant, and received into

the cordial embrace of an enthusiastic
soldiery.

And hot mother retired to the sofa !

Shortly afterwards musketry in-
struction was proceeding in a public
place ; and behind the little group of
learners sat Dot, in the seventh heaven
of joy, drinking it all in with eager
attention. And the instructing officer
did not seem to mind.

" How sad and mad and bad it was,"
a theme for the moralist, the conscien-
tious objector, the Army reformer, the
social reformer, the statistician. Yet
perhaps even their solemn faces might
relax to-day at the sight of a long-
legged Airedale puppy marching at the
head of the battalion to which she has
appointed herself rcascot.

Quis Custodiet P

" Engineer desires position as Manager of
Works Munayor." The Aeroplane.

" and Sons will sell by Auction four

Shorthand and Jersey Cows."

Jformii/7 Paper.

As the FOOD CONTKOLI.F.U'S Depart-
ment is said to be still short of clerks,
he may like to bid for these accom-
plished creatures.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[FEBRUARY 14. 1917.

AT THE PLAY.

"FELIX GETS A MONTH."

THIS "whimsical comedy," made by
Mr. LEON M. LION out of a novel by the
late TOM GALLON, began in a distinctly
intriguing mood. Felix had an uncle, a
sport, on whom he had once played
a scurvy practical joke. This highly
tolerant victim eventually cut up for a
round million, which he left to nephew
Felix on condition that he should enter
Umberminster as naked as the day he
was born and earn his living therein
for a full calendar month a palpable
posthumous hit to the old man. Felix
accordingly, equipped as laid down in
the will, is left by the family solicitor
in a wood, and, after a night and a
day in hiding, appears shivering at the
Mayor's parlour window, abstracts a
rug for temporary relief, and prevails
upon the maid, a romantic little orphan
(who had been reading about river-
gods and mistakes Felix for one), to
borrow a suit of the Mayor's clothes
into which he gets in time to interview
that worthy when he returns with his
grim lady. "You '11 get a month," says
she with damnable iteration ; and the
resourceful Felix, with an eye to the
whimsical will, whimsically suggests
that justice would be better fulfilled by
his putting in the month at the Mayor's
house "as odd - job man than by his
being conveyed to the county jail. And
the Mayor whimsically agrees.

After that, I regret to say, honest
whimsicality took wing, and the show
became merely shall we say? eu-
peptic. And certainly a much more
elaborate meal than my lord .DEVON-
POET allowed me would , be required to
induce a mood sufficiently tolerant to
face without impatience the welter
which followed. The three incredible
people mercenary virgin, heavy father
and aimless smiling villain that walked
straight out of the Elephant and Castle
into the Second Act were not, I suspect,
any elaborate (and quite irrelevant) joke
of the. actor- author's at the expense
of the transpontine method, but just
queer puppets brought on to disentangle
the complications, though I confess I
half thought that the villain, Mr. LAW-
RENCE LEYTON, was pulling our legs
with a quite deliberate burlesque. On
the whole I am afraid this play is but
another wreck on that old snag of the
dramatised novel.

But there wore plenty of isolated good
things, such as Mr. O. B. CLARENCE'S
really excellent Mayor, puzzled, pom-
pous, eagle-pecked. Miss FLORENCE
Ivors, the eagle in question, gave a
shrewd and shrewish portrait of a
wife gey ill to live with. Mr. REGINALD
BACH'S very entertaining imaginary

portrait of a faithful boy scout was a
stroke of genius, his " call of the wild "
being by far the best whim of the
evening. Miss EVA LEONARD-BOYNE as
Ninetta, the orphan, did her little job
tenderly and prettily, but I couldn't
believe in Ninetta in that galley, and I
doubt if she did. Mr. GORDON ASH was
the debonair hero. I do most solemnly
entreat him to consider the example of
some of the elders in his profession who
have adopted a laugh as their principal
bit of business. It may turn into a
millstone. Was he not laughing the
same laugh on this very stage in a
very different part three days ago? He

BORROWED PLUMES IN A MAYOR'S

NEST...

Alderman Ticentyman . Mr. O. B. CLABENCE.
Felix Delany .... Mr. GOBDON Asn.

was. If he got a month, laugh-barred,
he would profit by the sentence. For
he has jolly good stuff in him. T.

More Commandeering.

From areport of the PRIME MINISTER'S
speech at Carnarvon :

"There arc eight million houses in this
country. Let us have VICTORY GUM
FACTORY, Nelson, Lanes." Daily Dispatch.

But surely he does not want to be
known as "The Stickit Minister."

"A grocer in a London suburb complains
that on Saturday he and his staff were ' run
o Sthei rlegs.by the extraordinary demands of
customers.' " Westminster Gazette.
We congratulate the printer on his
gallant effort to depict the situation.

"WANTED, Cook Generals, House Parlour-
maids ; fiends might suit." Irish Paper.

Discussion of the eternal servant pro-
blem is apt to be one-sided ; it was
quite time that we heard from the

advocatits diaboli.

TO STEPHEN LEACOCK

(Professor of Political Economy at
McGill University, Montreal, and
author of " Further Foolishness " and
other notable works of humour).

THE life that is flagrantly double,
Conflicting in conduct and aim,

Is seldom untainted by trouble
And commonly closes in shame ;

But no such anxieties pester
Your dual existence, which links

The functions of don and of jester
High thought and high jinks.

Your earliest venture perhaps is
Unique in the rapture intense
Displayed in these riotous Lapses

From all that could savour of sense,
Recalling the "goaks" and the glad-
ness

Of one whom we elders adored
The methodical midsummer madness
Of ARTEMUS WARD.

With you, O enchanting Canadian,
We laughed till you gave us a stitch

In .our sides at the wondrous Arcadian
Exploits of the indolent rich ;

We loved your satirical sniping,
And followed, far over " the pond,"

The lure of your whimsical piping
Behind the Beyond.

In place of the squalor that stretches
Unchanged o'er the realist's page,
The sunshine that glows in your

Sketches

Is potent our griefs to assuage ;
And when, on your mettlesome charger,

Full tilt against reason you go,
Your Lunacy "s finer and Larger
Than any I know.

The faults of ephemeral fiction,

Exotic, erotic or smart,
The vice of delirious diction,

The latest excesses of Art
You flay in felicitous fashion,

With dexterous choice of your tools,
A scourge for unsavoury passion,
A hammer for fools.

And yet, though so freakish and dash-
ing.

You are not the slave of your fun,
For there "s nobody better at lashing

The crimes and the cant of the Hun ;
Anyhow, I "d be proud as a peacock
To have ifc inscribed on my tomb :
" Ho followed the footsteps of LEACOCK
In banishing gloom."

From an Indian clerk's letter to his
employer :

"I am glad that the War is progressing
very favourably for the Allies. Wo long for
the day when, according to Lord Curzon's
saying, ' The Bengal Lancers will petrol the
streets of Berlin.' "

Quite the right spirit.

11, MM7.' I'CNCir. <>U T1IK I,ONI>n\ ( ' 1 1 \ II I V A K i .

I!',

Auv-stiuck Tommy (from the trendies). " LOOK, BILL SOLDIERS!"

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.}
IT may be as well for me to confess at once the humiliat-
ing fact that I am not, and nes-er have been, an Etonian.
If that be a serious disqualification for life in general, how
much more serious must it be for the particular task of
reviewing a book which is of Eton all compact, a book, for
example, like Memories of Eton Sixty Years Ago, by A. C.
AINGEB, with contributions from N. G. LYTTKLTON and
JOHN MURRAY (MURRAY). For I have never been " up to "
anybody ; I have never been present at " absence " ; I have
no real understanding of the difference between a " tutor "
and a " dame " ; I call a " pcena " by the plebeian name of
"imposition"; and, until I had read Mr. AINOKU'S book, I
had never heard of the verb " to brosicr " or the noun sub-
stantive " bever." Altogether my condition is most deplor-
able. Yet there are some alleviations in my lot, and one of
them has been the reading of this delightful book. I found it
most interesting, and can easily imagine how Etonians will
be absorbed in it, for it will revive for them many an old
and joyful memory of the days that are gone. Mr. AINGER
discourses, with a mitix .^ipicnliii that is very attractive, on
the fashions and manners of the past and the gradual pro-
cess of their development into the Eton of the present.
He is proud, as every good Etonian must ho, of Eton as it
exists, but now and again he hints that the Eton of an
older time was in some re^uvts a simpler and a better
place. The mood, however, no\c, lasts long, and no one j
can quarrel with the way in which it is expressed. General '
LYTTELTON, too, in one of his contributions, relates how

on his return from a long stay in India he visited Eton,
expecting to bo modestly welcomed by shy and ingenuous
youths, and how, instead, he was received and patron-
ised by young but sophisticated men of the world. The
GENERAL, I gather, was somewhat chilled by his experience.
Altogether this book is emphatically one without which no
Etonian's library can be considered complete.

Perhaps of all our War correspondents Mr. PHILIP GIBBS
contrives to give in his despatches the liveliest sense of the
movement, the pageantry and the abominable horror of
war. Pageantry there is, for all the evil boredom and
weariness of this pit-and-ditch business, and Mr. GIBBS
sees finely and has an honest pen that avoids the easy
clichi. You might truthfully describe his book, The Battles
of the Somme (HI-:INI:MANN), as an epic of the New Armies.
He never seem? to lose his wonder at their courage and
their spirit, and always with an undercurrent of sincerely
modest apology for his own presence there with his note-
book, a mere chronicler of others' gallantry. This chronicle
begins at the glorious 1st of July and ends just before
Beaumont -Hamel, which the author miserably missed,
being sent home on sick leave. It is a book that may well
be one of those preserved and read a generation hence by
men who want to know what the great War was really
like. God knows it ought to help them to do something to
prevent another. Yet there is nothing morbid in it. As the
sergeant thigh-deep in a flooded trench said, " You know,
Sir; it doesn't do to take this war seriously." The
armies of a nation that takes its pleasures sadly take
their bitter pains with a grin; and that grin is what has

116

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[FEBRUARY 14, 1917.

made them such an unexpectedly tough proposition to the

All-Seriousest.

An old adage warns us never to buy a " pig in a poke."
Equally good advice for the heroines of fiction or drama
would be never under any circumstances to marry a bride-
groom in a mask. In more cases than I can recall, neglect
of this simple precaution has led to a peck of trouble. I
am thinking now of Yvonne, leading lady in The Mark of
Vraye (HUTCHINSON). I admit that poor Yvonne had more
excuse than most. Hers was what you might call a hard
case. On the one hand there was the villain Philippe, a
most naughty man, swearing that she was in his power,
and calling for instant marriage at the hands of Father
Simon, who happened to be present. On the other hand,
the gentleman in the mask revealed a pair of eyes that poor
Yvonne rashly supposed to belong to someone for whom
she had more than a partiality. So when he suggested
that the proposed ceremony should take place during
Philippe's temporary ab-
sence from the stage,
with himself as substi-
tute, Yvonne (astonished
perhaps at her own luck
so early in the plot)
simply jumped at the
idea. Then, of course,
the deed being done, off
comes the mask, and
behold the triumphant
countenance of her bit-
terest foe, Charles de
Montbrlson, whom she
herself had disfigured as
the (supposed) murderer
of her brother. Act drop
and ten minutes' inter-
val. Need I detail for
you the subsequent
course of this marriage
of inconvenience ? The
courage and magnani-
mity of one side, the
feminine cruelty melting
at last to love, and finally
the inevitable duologue
of reconciliation, through which I can never help hearing
the rustle of opera-cloaks and the distant cab-whistles.
Charming, charming. Mr. H. B. SOMEBVILLE has furnished
a pleasant entertainment, and one that (like all good
readers or spectators) you will enjoy none the less because
of its entire familiarity.

think I need only add that half the proceeds of its sale will
go to feed the seven million Belgians still in Belgium (prey
to the twin wolves of Prussia and starvation) for you to
see that three shillings and sixpence could hardly be better
used than in the purchase of a copy.

I was beginning to wonder whether Mr. EDEN PHILLPOTTS
was suffering from writer's cramp, so much longer than
usual does it seem since I heard from him. Now, how-
ever, my anxiety is relieved by My Devon Year (Scorr), a
delightful book which could have come from no other pen
than his. It is a marvel how many fragrant things he
still finds to say, and with what inexhaustible freshness,
about his beloved county. I hesitate to give these sketches
an indiscriminate recommendation, because to those who
walk through the country with closed eyes they will have
little or no meaning ; but if you are in love with beauty
and can appreciate its translation into exquisite language

you will draw from them a real and lasting joy. Let me

confess now that I once
asked Mr. PHILLPOTTS to
give Devonshire a rest,
and that I accept My
Devon Year as a con-
vincing proof that this
request was ill - consi-
dered.

Sentry. " WHO GOES THERE?" Tommy. "FRIEND."

Sentry (on recognising voice). " FRIEND I I DON'T THINK. WHY,

YOD 'BE THE CHAP WHO BAGGED MY MESS-TIN BEFORE THE l^AST KIT-
INSPECTION."

The Flight of Mariette (CHAPMAN AND HALL) is a slender
volume, whose simplicity gives it a poignancy both incon-
gruous and grim. Much of it you might compare to the
diary of a butterfly before and whilst being broken on the
wheel. Mariette, the jolly little maid of Antwerp, was so
tender and harmless a butterfly ; and the machine that
broke her life and drove her to the martyrdom of exile was
so huge and cruel a thing. Hew cruel in its effects it is
well for us just now to be again reminded, lest, in these days
of hurrying horrors, remembrance should be weakened.
To that extent therefore Miss GERTRUDE E. M. VAUGHAN
has done good service in compiling this human docu-
ment of accusation. In a preface Mr. JOHN GALSWORTHY
pleads the cause of our refugee guests, not so much 'for
charity as for comprehension. Certainly, The Flight of
Mariette will do much to further such understanding. I

I wish Mr. DOUGLAS
SLADEN would not throw
so many bouquets at his
characters. Roger Wyjt-
yard, the hero of Grace
Lorraine (HUTCHINSON),
was really just a very
ordinary youth, but when
I discovered that he was
" the fine flower of our
Public- School system,"
" as chivalrous as a
Bayard," and so forth,
I began unfairly, per-
haps, but quite irre-
sistibly to entertain a
considerable prejudice
. against him. Let me
hasten, however, to add that Mr. SLADEN has packed his
novel with the kind of incident which appeals to the
popular mind, though his conclusion may cause a shock to
those who think that our divorce-laws are in no need of
reform. In the matter of style Mr. SLADEN is content
with something short of perfection. " It was easier for her
to forgive a man, with his happy-go-lucky nature, for
getting into trouble, than to forgive his getting out again
by not being sufficiently careful not to add to the other
person's misfortune." For myself, I do not find it so easy
to forgive these happy-go-lucky methods in a writer who
ought to know better by now.

The War Loan ; a Last Appeal.
Now, by the memory of our gallant dead,

And by our hopes of peace through victory won,
Lend of your substance; let it not be said
You left your part undone.

Lend all and gladly. If this bitter strife

May so by one brief hour be sooner stayed,
Then is your offering, spent to ransom life,
A thousand times repaid.

FEBRUARY 21, 1917.] PUNCH, Oli THK LONDON CHARIVARI.

117

CHARIVARIA.

COUNT BERNSTORFF, it appears, was
very much annoyed with tho wny in
which certain Americans are support-
ing President WILSON, and he decided
to read thorn a lesson they would not

soon forget. So he left America.
* *

Things are certainly settling down
a little in Hungary. Only two shots
were tired at Count TISX..V in the
Hungarian Diet last week.
*__*

The famous Liquorice Factory which
has figured so often in the despatches
from Kut is again in the hands of our
troops. Bronchial subjects who have
been confining themselves to black cur-
rant lozenges on patriotic grounds will
welcome the news.

A North of England Tribunal lias
just given a plumber sufficient inten-
sion to carry out a large repair job he
had in hand. This has caused some con-
sternation among those who imagined
that the War would end this year.

* :

Lord DKVONPORT'H weekly bread

allowance is regarded as extrav,
by a lady correspondent, who v
" In my own household we hardly eat
any bread at all. We practically live on
toast." , ...

: i- '

An informative contemporary ex-
plains that the Chinese eggs now
arriving are nearly all brown and re-
semble those laid in this country by
tho Cochin China fowl. This, however,
is not the only graceful concession
to British prejudice, for the eggs, we

The German Imperial
Clothing Department has
decreed that owners of
garments " bearing the
marks of prodigal eating "
will not be permitted to
replace them, and the de-
mand among the elderly
dandies of Berlin for soup-
coloured waistcoats is said
to have already reached

unprecedented figures.
* *

*
" On the Western front,"

says The Cologne Gazette,
" the British are defeated."
Some complaints are being
made by the Germans on
the spot because they have
not yet been officially noti-
fied of the fact. # ...

A neutral diplomat in Vienna has
written for a sack of rice to a colleague
in Rome, who, feeling that the Austrians
may he on the look-out for the rice,
intends to defeat their hopes by substi-
tuting confetti. ... .,,
1 *

By the way tho FOOD CONTROLLER
may shortly forbid the use of rice at
weddings. We have long held the
opinion that as a deterrent the stuff is
useless. # ^

"The British," says the Berliner
Ttiijrl/liitt, " what are they? They are
snufflers, snivelling, snorting, shirking,
snuffling, vain - glorious wallowers in
misery . . ." It is thought likely that the
Berliner Tayeblatt is vexed with us.
;: *

Count PLUNKKTT, although elected
to the House of Commons, will not
attend. It is cruel, but the COUNT is
convinced that the punishment is no
more severe than the House deserves.

PRO PATEIA.

notice, are of that oval design which is

so popular in these islands.

* *

An Evening News correspondent
states that at one restaurant last week
a man consumed "a large portion of
beef, baked potatoes, brussels-sprouts,
two big platefuls of bread, apple tart,
a portion of cheese, a couple of pats of
butter and a bottle of wine." We
understand that he would also have
ordered the last item on the menu but
for the fact that the band was playing it.

A Carmelite sleuth at a City restaur-
ant reports that one " Food Hog " had
for luncheon "half-a-dozen oysters,
three slices of roast beef with Yorkshire
pudding, two vegetables and a roll."
The after-luncheon roll is of course the
busy City man's substitute for the
leisured club-man's after-luncheon nap.

* *

There is plenty of coal in London,
tho dealers announce, for those who
are willing to fetch it themselves.
Purchasers of quantities of one ton

or over should also bring their own
paper and string.

* *

One of tho rarest of British birds,
the great bittern, is reported to have
been seen in the Eastern counties dur-
ing the recent cold spell. In answer
to a telephonic inquiry on tho matter
Mr. POCOCK, of the Zoological Gardens,
was heard to murmur, " Once bittern,
twice shy." . ,

A stoker, prosecuted at a London
Police Court for carrying smoking
materials into a munitions factory,
explained in defence that no locker
had been assigned to him. The Bench
thereupon placed one at his disposal
for a period of one month.

: *
*

On tho Somme, says The Times, the
New Zealand Pioneers,
consisting of Maoris, Pak-
ehas and Karatongans, dug
1H,1I>.'} yards of trenches,
mostly under German fire.
The really thrilling fact
about this is that we have
enlisted the sympathy of
the Pakohas (or " white
men "), who, with the
single exception of tbe
Sahibs of India, are pro-
bably the fiercest tribe in
our vast Imperial pos-
sessions. ... *

The announcement that
the Scotland Yard exam-
ination will not be lowered
for women taxicab drivers
has elicited a number of
inquiries as to whether " language " is
a compulsory or an alternative subject.

* *

" The feathers are most quickly got
rid of by removing them with the skin,"
says the writer of a recently published
letter on " Sparrows as Food." He for-
gets the very considerable economy
which can be achieved by having them

baked in their jackets.
d *

We are glad to note an agitation for
a bath-room in every artisan dwelling.
Only last week we were pained by a
photograph in a weekly paper showing
somebody reduced to taking his tub
in the icy Serpentine.

Motto for Housekeepers :
" WEIGH IT AND SEE."

National Service.

War has taught the truth that shines
Through the poet's noble lines :
"Common are to either sex

Artiff.K and nj:

118

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[FEBRUARY 21, 1917.

WILLIAM v. THE WORLD.

DOUBTLESS you feel that such a fight
Would be a huge reclame for Hundom ;

That Earth would stagger at the sight
Of Gulielmus contra Mundum ;
That WILLIAM, facing awful odds,

Should prove a spectacle for men and gods.

(Tis true you have Allies who share
The toll you levy for the shambles,

Yet, judging by the frills you wear
In this your most forlorn of gambles,
One might suppose you stood alone

In solitary splendour all your own.)

And if the game against you goes,
As seems, I take it, fairly certain,

The Hero, felled by countless foes,
Should make a rather useful curtain ;
You could with honour cry for grace,

Having preserved the thing you call your face.

I shouldn't count too much on that.

The globe is patient, slow and pensive,
But has a way of crushing flat

The objects which it finds offensive;

And when it 's done with you, my brave,
I doubt if you will have a face to save.

========= O. S.

A Lost Leader.

"Mr. Law began his speech with intermittent cries for Mr. Lloyd
George." The Saturday Westminster Gazette.

We can well understand Mr. LAW'S sense of loneliness,
and our contemporary has performed a genuine service in
recording this pathetic incident, which seems to have es-
caped all the other reporters of the opening of Parliament.

" His mother died when he was seven years old, while his father
lived to be nearly a centurion." Wallasey and Wirral Chronicle.

Hard lines that he just missed his promotion.

"KoyAL FLYING CORPS.

FLIGHT COMDHS. Lt. (temp. Capt.) F. P. Don, and to retain his
temp, tank whilst so cmpld." The Times.

We commend this engaging theme to the notice of Mr.
LANCELOT SPEED, in case the popularity of his film, " Tank
Pranks," now being exhibited, should call for a second
edition.

" Four lb. of bread (or 3 Ib. of flour), 2J Ib. of meat, and } Ib. of
sugar these are the voluntary rations for each person for a week,
and in a household of five persons this works out at 23J lb. of bread
and flour, 9 lb. of meat, and 4 lb. of sugar." Weekly Scotsman.

We always like to have our arithmetic done for us by one
who has the trick of it.

"WANTED, False Teeth, any condition; highest price given,
buying for Government." Local Paper.

This may account for the statement in another journal
that " the new Administration is going through teething
troubles."

Mr. Punch begs to call the attention of his readers to an
exhibition of original War-Cartoons to be held by his name-
sake of Australia .at 155, New Bond Street, beginning
on February 22nd. The cartoons are the work of Messrs.
GEORGE H. DANCET and CHAKLES NUTTALL, of the Mel-
bourne Punch.

HEART-TO-HEART TALKS.

(The PRESIDENT of the United States and Mr. GERARD.)

The President. Here you are then at last, my dear
Mr. GERARD. I am afraid you have had a long and uncom-
fortable journey.

Mr. Gerard. Don't say a word about that, Mr. President.
It's all in the day's work, and, anyhow, it's an immense
pleasure to be back in one's own country.

The President. Yes, I can well believe that. Living
amongst Germans at this time can be no satisfaction to an
American citizen.

Mr. G. No, indeed, Mr. President ; you never said a
truer word than that in your life. The fact is the Germans
have all gone mad with self-esteem, and are convinced that
every criticism of their actions must have its foundations
in envy and malignity. And yet they feel bitterly, too,
that, in spite of their successes here and there, the War on
the whole has been an enormous disappointment for them,
and that the longer it continues the worse their position
becomes. The mixture of these feelings makes them
grossly arrogant and sensitive to the last degree, and
reasonable intercourse with them becomes impossible.
No, Mr. President, they are not pleasant people to live
amongst at this moment, and right glad am I to be away
from them.

The President. And as to their submarine warfare, do
they realise that we shall hold them to what they have
promised, and that if they persist in their policy of murder
there must be war between them and us ?

Mr. G. The certainty that you mean what you say has
but little effect on them. They argue in this way : Germany
is in difficulties ; the submarine weapon is the only one
that will help Germany, therefore Germany must use that
weapon ruthlessly and hack through with it, whatever may
be urged on behalf of international law or humanity at
large. Humanity doesn't count in the German mind
because humanity doesn't wear a German uniform or look
upon the KAISER as absolutely infallible. Down, therefore,
with humanity and, incidentally, with America and all the
smaller neutrals who may be disposed to follow her lead.

The President. So you think patience, moderation and
reasonable argument are all useless ?

Mr. G. See here, Mr. President, this is how the matter
stands. They imagine they can ruin England with their
submarines they 're probably wrong, but that 's their
notion but if they give way to America this illegitimate
weapon is blunted and they lose the war. Sooner than
suffer that catastrophe they will defy America. And they
don't believe as yet that America means what she says
and is determined to fight rather than suffer these outrages
to continue. The Germans will try to throw dust in
your eyes, Mr. President, while continuing the submarine
atrocities.

The President. The Germans will soon be undeceived.
We will not suffer this wrong, and we will fight, if need be,
in order to prevent it. God knows we have striven to keep
the peace through months and years of racking anxiety.
If war comes it is not we who have sought it. Nobody can
lay that reproach upon us. Rather have we striven by all
honourable means to avoid it. But we have ideals that we
cannot abandon, though they may clash with German
ambitions and German methods. There we are fixed, and
to give way even by an inch would be to dishonour our
country and to show ourselves unworthy of the freedom our
forefathers won for us at the point of the sword. That is
the conclusion I have come to, having judged these matters
with such power of judgment as God has given me.

Mr. G. And to that every true American will say Amen.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CUAIUVAKI. FI.HKUARY 21, 1917.

WAR-SAVINGS.

SULTAN. "THE OLD 'UN SEEMS TO WANT THE WHOLE WOELD AGAINST HIM, SO
AS TO SAVE HIS FACE WHEN HE'S BEATEN."

FEUDIK. "I DON'T CAKE WHAT BECOMES OF HIS FACE SO LONG AS I SAVE
MY HEAD."

SULTAN. " SAME HERE."

120

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[.KKISKUARY 21, 1917.

THE WATCH DOGS.

TAT.

Mv HEAR- CHARLES, The weather is
very seasonahle for the time of year, is
it not? A nice nip in the air, as you
might say ; thoroughly healthy for those
at liberty to enjoy it <d fri-.tcn. I assure
you the opportunity is not being waste:!
out here ; all the best people are out-of-
doors all the time. For myself, with
thirty degrees of frost about, it seemed
to be the exact moment to slip over to
England and help keep the home fires

burning.

Accordingly

I repaired to a neigh-

bouring port, and when I got there an
officer, who appeared to be looking for

When I reached England my feelings
with regard to myself changed. I was
no longer reticent about my rank. I
displayed my uniform in a public restau-
rant, without any reserve. In conso-
queuco they 'd only let me eat three-aud-
sixpence worth for my first meal. This
time I was not so clever, it appeared, as
I thought. I had erroneously supposed
that by not being a civilian I should
got more than two courses. As it
was I got less, and so it was with a
full heart and an empty stomach that
I fell in for home. If I 'd known I
should have kept my waterproof on for
luncheon.

Do you realise how dismal a thing
it is for us to bo separated from our

something, asked me what my rank . own by a High Sea all these months

In peace times I should have | and years ?
little unexpected
a

was.
loved a

sympathy like this ; as
soldier, quite an old soldier
now, I dislike people who
take an interest in me, es-
pecially if they have blue on
their hats. I thanked him
very much for his kind in-
quiry, but indicated that my
lips were sealed. His curi-
osity thereupon became
positively acute; he was, he
said, a man from whom it
was impossible to keep a
secret. He still wished to
know what my rank was.
I said it all depended which
of them he was referring to,
since there are three in all,
the "Acting," the "Tem-
porary " and the Bock-bot-
tom one. In any case, at
heart I was and always
should remain a plain civi-
lian mister. Should we I
leave it at that, and let bygones be by-
gones ? Ho was meditating his answer,
when I asked him if he realised how
close he was standing to the edge of
the quay, and when he turned round
and looked I also turned round and
went . . .

The fellow who was standing next
to me all this time was either too
young or too proud to conceal his stars
beneath an ordinary waterproof. Blue-
hat didn't need to ask him what his
rank was ; he recognized at a glance just
the very type of officer he was looking
for. So he led off the poor fellow 7 to the
slaughter, and put him in charge of two
hundred N.C.O.s and men proceeding
on leave to the U.K. I 've no doubt the
fellow spent the best part of his days
on the other side trying to get rid of
his party. I have not been two years
in France without discovering that you
simply cannot be too careful when you
are attempting to get out of it.

It ain't fair, Sir, it simply

JIOMK DEFENCE.
"Axo WHAT'S YOUR conrs, MY LAD?"

" PARKS - AND - OPEN - SPACES -WIRE - WORM - CABBAGE - CATERPILLAR-
AND-INSECT-rEST-EXTEIiMINATINQ-PATROL, SlR."

unfailing humour. Blessed with a keen
perception, he delights those who can
understand him with his singularly
happy and apt turn of speech. You
will, I think, accept my word as an
ollicer and a gentleman that he is
unique.

Anticipating the welcome greeting of
my wife and many pleasant hours to
hi: spent in discussing with my son the
things which matter, I put on all my
waterproofs, gave the porter a twenty-
five centime piece, which he mistook
for a shilling, even as earlier on I had
myself been led to mistake it for a
franc, and hastened home.

The welcome greeting seemed all
right, but I had not been long in the
company of my wife before I dis-
covered that Another had come between
us. I . had not been long
with my son before I dis-
covered who that Other
was. ... I determined to
have it out with him at once.
Feeling that the situation
was one for tactics, I man-
oeuvred for position and,
to get him entirely at a dis-
advantage, I surprised him
in his bath and taxed him
with his infamy. I ad-
dressed him more in sorrow
than in anger. I told him
I was well aware of his per-
sonal charm, but in this
instance I was bound to
comment unfavourably on
the use he had made of it.
The very last thing I had
expected of him was that at,
or indeed before, the early
age of one he would be
stealing the affections of

. another man's wife.

ain't fair. In my case there is not I He was not ashamed or nonplussed;

only a wife amongst wives, but also
a son amongst sons. Now, Charles,
I am the very last person to call a
thing good merely because it is my

own, nor am
who thinks all

1 that kind of fool
his geese are

If my son had a fault I should be the
very first to notice and call attention to
it. But he has not ; dispassionately
and from an entirely detached and im-
personal view, I am bound to say that
there is about him an outstanding
merit which at once puts him on a
different level from all others. It isn't
so much his four and a half teeth I 'in
thinking of, nor is it the twenty-seven
overgrown and badly managed hairs
which wander about at the back of his
bald head and give him the look of a
dissipated monk. It is just his intrinsic
worth, clearly evidenced in everything

he was not even embarrassed by his im-
mediate environment. In fact he turned
it to his own advantage, for his hairs,
duly watered and soaped down on to his
cranium, lost their rakish look and gave
him the appearance of a gentleman of
perfect integrity, great intellect and no
little financial stability.' As between
one man and another, he did not at-
tempt to deny the truth of my assertion,
gave me to understand, with a jovial
smile, that such little incidents must
always be expected as long as humanity
remains human, and repudiated all per-
sonal responsibility in this instance.
He even went so far as to suggest that
it was the woman's fault; it was always
she who was running after him, and
his only offence had been that of being
too chivalrous abruptly to repel her
advances. I confess I was painfully

about him. Obviously a man of parts, surprised at the attitude he adopted; it
he has brains, a stout heart and an consisted in putting his foot in one half

BUAEY 21, 1917.] PUNClf, OR TIIK LONDON ( 'I [AIM VA1M.

Sliockt sit.ti.-i-. -On, BOBBY, YOU MUSTN'T HAVR A SKCOND HKI.I-IV; !

YOU 'IX I.EJtOTHKN TIIK WAR."

[Bobby, like a true Briton, desists.']

of his mouth ami breathing stertorouely
through tlie other moiety. And wlien
ho started making eyes at the nurse I
was too shocked to stay any longer.

Never a man to take a thing sitting
down, [ waited till the next morning
for my revenge. As the trustee of his
fuuiro wealth I had him in my power.
Stepping across to the nearest bank I
borrowed an immense sum of money in
his name and passed it all on to the
( 1 1 >\ on m icnt, then and there, to be spent,
i/tli'i- itlin. on the H.K.F. And will's
more, I told him to his face that I 'd
done it. What reply do yon suppose he

'.' Ho merely called for a drink.
However, my revenge did not end
there. On my way hack to France I
seixed the opportunity of looking in at
Cox's and there took hack from the
Government for my own sole and abso-
lute use somo of those very pounds my
son had borrowed from the bank to give
it. But I lost in the end, for my wife,

i I had taken with me to witness
her and his discomfiture, had all the
money olV me again, in order, f gather,
to put it in my son's money-box, for
him to rattle now and spend later. The
only result of my efforts therefore was
to land mo in a financial transaction so
complicated that 1 cannot even follow
it myself. Yours ever, II I:\RY.

NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN.

(SECOND SKKIES.)
xx.

MlIjLWALL.

I r.KANKD on the Mill- Wall

Looking at the water,
I leaned on the Mill- Wall

Ami saw the Nis's Daughter.

! saw the Nis's Daughter
..Playing with her ball,
She tossed it and tossed it
Against the Mill- Wall.

I saw the Nis's Goodwife

Busy making lace
With her silver bobbins

In the Mill-Race.

Then T saw the old Nis,

! lii hair to his heel,
Combing out the tangles

On the Mill- Wheel.

The Miller came behind me

And gave my ear a clout
" (iet on with your busim
^You good-for-nothing lout ! "

\M.
CoRNHlI.r,.

The seed of the Corn, the rustling Corn,
The seed of the Corn is sown ;

When the seed is sown on the C'ornhill
My love will ask for his own.

The blade of the Corn, the rustling Corn,

The blade of the Corn is slui\\n ;
When the blade is shown on the Corn-
hill

I '11 promise my love his own.
I
The ear of the Corn, the rustling Corn,

The ear of the Corn is grown ;
When the ear is grown on the Corn-
hill
My love shall have his own.

The sheaf of the Corn, the rustling Corn,
The sheaf of the Corn is mown ;

When the sheaf is mown on the Corn-
hill
My love will leave his own.

One of our Optimists.

'WASTED, few cwt. While Sugar,

cart

self; pay cash; state price."

3[an-'hc!>tcr Guardian.

" M. Trepofi accepted the leadership of the
; Right in the Council of Empire after the party
' had pledged itself to eschew a retrograd
course." J/am/ :<j Chronicle.

Preferring a Petrograd one, of course.

"His M.ijesty's Government has declared
that it is ready to gi

Count Bernstorff and the Emlu-^y and Con-
sular personnel." Daily Mail.

Hitherto his Excellency has been sadly
lacking in this hyphenated article.

122

PUNCH, 0}l THE LONDON CHARIVAPJ.

[FEBRUARY 21. 1917.

THE HARDSHIPS OF BILLETS.

ii.

NOBODY knows the misery of boin'
lapped in luxury in a billet better than
mo and Jim. Mrs. Dawkins, as I told
you, give us the best of everything in
the 'ouse and our lives wasn't worth
livin" owin' to Mr. Dawkins and the
little Dawkinses and a young man
lodger takin' against us in consekence.
Seein' that they 'adn't a bed between
'em while we was gi