Full text of "Punch"

of %

of lormthi

The Estate of the late
James Nicholson

PUNCH, on TUB LONDON CHARIVARI JUNK 36, igit

PUNCH

Vol. CLIV.
JANUARY-JUNE, 1918.

PUNCH, om TH LONDOK CMAIVAI, JUN 16, 1918.

LONDON:
PUBLISHED AT THE OFFICE, 10, BOUVERIE STREET E.G. 4.

1918.

PUNCH, o THI LODON CHARIVARI, JUNE 6, 1918.

101

Bradbury. Agnew & Co., Ltd.,
Printers,

Whitifriars. Loadon, E.C.4.

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ALMANACK

CIGARETTES

Sole Manufacturers: ARDATH TOBACCO C,U?,LONDON.

Punch's Almanack for 1918.

CALENDAR, 1918.

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Punch's Almanack for 1918

TT'in ^-

. "E EMEi iB E n

THE GOLDES BULK, GENTLEMEN. KEEP A LEG EACH SIDE OF THE HOUSE AND YOU CAN'T COME OFF."

W I? -Ux-^

SJLL

-*$

Patlrc. "YOU SEKM IN TBOUBLK, 5IY MAN. CAN I HELP YOU?"

Tommy. -YES, Sin. You MIGHT TELL ME HOW NoAn GOT THIS BLITHEIIISG KIND OF THING INTO THE Aitic."

Punch's Almanack for 1918.

First Lady Driver (novice). "Bui WHAT DO YOU DO IF YOU HAYI: A BREAKDOWN '.'''

S,;;lil ditto (old haiul). "DEAD EASY, MY DEAB. JUST SEND A WIRE TO H.Q. YOU BBK, YOU HAVE THE WIIOI.K BlUTIBIl ARMY
BEHIND YOU IP ANYTHING GOES WHONQ."

i;-r-zealoua Tommy (fur !n minim;- of 1th olijertin). " Onr. BIGHT. Dos'l .I:T NASTY. I MUST 'AVK COME A I.JT TOO FAR. Wi. '

NOT KXPECTKD HKRE THi HKXT WEEK. SEK YOU LATER. SO LONi.!' 1

Punch^ Almanack for 1918.

HOW TO REALISE CONDITIONS AT THE FRONT.

"YUS I SFK WHAT THAT IS 'OLK IX THE "THE MEN IN CUE SHOP AS DOES THKSI3 ''I TAKES ON ANY JOB NOW SOT AS I

PE MOST tlKELY NOTHING SERIOUS JOHS TV THE OBNAEY WAY IS ALL AT CARES FOB 'EM, BEING LITEEY USED TO

THE FRONT BELL PAPERS AFORE THE WAR

PIPE

"liUT \VOT'S A BIT O' DISCOMFORT IF IT WINS THE WAR? AN 1
IT'S TIMES LIKE THESE AS BRINGS AHT THE REAL STRENGTH
OF A MAN

" "AD A LETTER FROM MY BIIOTHEE OO 'S AHT SAYS TKB
WEATHEB'S SOMEFINK CEOOL MUD AN 1 RAIN

AN' MUD. IRKXCHES is 'ARF FULL AN' GITTIN' DEEPEU

ALL THE TIME

"Us IN OLE ENGLAND FINDS IT 'ARD TO REALISE; BUT I DOES

MY BEST TO BRING IT 'OME TO FOLK."

Punch's Almanack for 1918.

THE HERO.

' I WANT YOU TO MAKE ME A TUNIC

BASK?

TlB, ONE OB TWO 1UBBON1
TO OO OHIT

CaOSS

D.S.O.

AND A V.O. OOU

LECIOM or HONOUB, C.U.Q. AXD so FOBTH

Tea WOUHD STBIPKB

1KD MAKE AS SMART A JOB
OF IT AS YOU CAS, WC 'I YOU ?
BECAUSE

I WANT IT FOB PBTVATB TIIEATIUCALS."

GERMANY AND THE NEXT WAR (COMMERCIAL).

COMBING OUT THE ARMY FOB OVERSEAS COMMERCIAL TRAVELLERS.
LIKELY MEMBERS OF THE PBUSSIAN GUARD UNLEARNING THE GOOSE-STEP.

Y/- *
dfuAtiOK.

IOM fen a

HUN POLYGLOT PREPARING COMMERCIAL TRAVELLERS FOR A DESCENT ox LONDON.

Punch's AlmanacK for 1918.

GERMANY AND THE NEXT WAR (COMMERCIAL).

THE BRAVEST MAN THAT EVER LIVED.
THE PIBST BOSCH TO THY AND DO A DKAL WITH EKOLAWD.

TRAINING COMMERCIAL TRAVELLERS FOB LITTLE SET-BACKS is THEIR OVERSEAS CAMPAIGNS.

Punch's AlmanacK for 1918.

Subaltern. "BETWEEN OURSELVES, SIR, THERE'LL BE TROUBLE WITH THIS TERRITORIAL CAPTAIN. HE 'B INSUFFERABLE."

Major. "WHAT OF IT? THEY SAID THAT ABOUT ME."

Subaltern. "An, YES, SIR. Bur sou 'BE A REGULAS. THAT'S DIFFERENT."

WHEN I review the kind of prey

To which I 've dealt the fatal blow,
No claim to gallant feats I lay

Such as have earned the M.V.O. ;
Not very big has been the

game
Whose haunts I have con- .

trived to ravage,
But small and relatively tame
(Though ducks are some-
times very savage).

The stag, I own, is fairly large,

But never on his native hill

Have I received him at the

charge
(I always take him standing

still) ;
Nor can I, if the truth be

said,

Eecall the case of any coney
Turning at bay, with lowered

head

And eyes aflame, to strike
me stony.

No pigeon hurtling through the air
Has ever broached me in the breast,

Nor no infuriated hare

Has put my courage to the test ;

THE BIGGEST GAME OF ALL.

Bather, when I have sought to prove
My prowess, they avoid detection,

And have a tendency to move
Eight in the opposite direction.

Or those that want to break your bones
With hoof or horn(their habits vary)

The elephant in sultry zones,

lha bison on the boundless prairie.

But now I thank my stars (and

moon),
Likewise the powers that

rule Whitehall,
For giving me this priceless

boon
To hunt the nastiest brute

of all ;

Bo on the pachydermous Hun
I '11 try to do my bit, or quota,
And with my jolly little gun
Learn him to play the giddy
Gotha. O. S.

An Alarming Sacrifice.

"To BE SOLD.

A Lady disposing of her entire
Wardrobe." Irish Paper.

Beasts that are fond of eating men
I never yet have chanced to meet ;

I have not probed the lion's den
Or crossed the pard upon his beat,

"Miss gives lessons in Scien-
tific Voice Production for Singing,
Elocution and all other classes of
Speech Defects."

We have always regarded Elocution as
a Defect which only needs a little
judicious treatment to remove it.

Punch's AlmanacK for 1918.

THE SECRET PANEL.

1617.

1917.

Punch's AlmanacR for 1918.

MR. PUNCH'S POTTED FILMS.

THE AMERICAN "CROOK" DRAMA.

Characters in the Utory.

JAMES, BY MEANS OF A FORGED LETTER OP INTRODUCTION,
MAKES THE ACQUAINTANCE OF THE DAWKINS FAMILY. FOB
THE FIRST TIME HE HESITATES IN THE PERFORMANCE OF HIS
PROFESSIONAL DUTIES.

THAT NIGHT, IN THE NEW YOHK UNDERWORLD, HE is

DISTRAIT, AUD FINDS THAT HIS CAY COMPANIONS IN CRIJ1U
HAVE SO ATTRACTION FOR HIM.

HIS PROFESSION GROWS MORE IRKSOME TO HIM AS HIS
RELATIONS WITH THE DAWKINS FAMILY BECOME MORE INTI-
MATE.

AFTER SOME DAYS JOSH B. DAWKINS, FINDING ALL HIS

POSSESSIONS DISAPPEARING, CALLS IN THE AID OF THE
DETECTIVE, JEFFERSON.

Punch's Almanack for 1918.

MR. PUNCH'S POTTED FILMS.

THK AMI'.KICAN* "CHOOK" DltAMA.

JEFFERSON, DISUTISKD AS AN KLDHULY PBOFESSOR, COMES
TO STAY WITH THK PAWKINSES. JAMES, FEARING THAT HIS
IDENTITY MAY NOT BE UNKNOWN TO THH DETECTIVE, CUBLS
HIS HAIR. i.AMIE LOVH8 HIM MORE THAN 1

AT DINNKB THH DBTECTIVK'S SUSPICIONS ABB AROUSED.
Till; HUMAN SLF.UTH TBACK3 THE POOTMAS'S FOOTPRINTS IX
THE TUBliKY-PILB.

rr; 1 :;;] 1

J.'fferson. "I HAVE SECURED

T Irt THIEF. Hl3 FOOTPRINTS
HKTRAYF.D HIM, HE IS Tl-
FINOEBED JlM IN DISGUISE."

James. "THAT MAN is INNO-
CENT. IT WAS I WHO OAVH
HIM THB CAST - OFF BOOTS
WHICH HE IS WEARING."

Jeferaon. "Wuo DARES TO
BAT I'M AT FAULT? I AM
JEFFERBOM, THE DETECTIVE."

Jama. "Axo I I AM TKX-
PTNOERED JlM, THB CBCOK.
DO YOU RECOGNISE MB W1TU
MY HAJB USCUBLED?"

James. " T H E INNOCENT
SHALL NOT SUFFER ON MY
ACCOUNT. TAKE ME AWAY TO
EXPIATE MY CRIMES."

Mamie. "FATHER, I LOVE
HIM. DO NOT PROSECUTE."

Josh B. Dawkins. "MY BOY, YOU HAVE A NOBLE HEABT.

TAKE HER WITH A FATHER'S BLESSING. HEB MABBIAOU
PORTION YOU HAVE ALHEADY."

Punch's Almanack for 1918.

French Farmyard Chorus {yivcn many times Jaily). "THAT SOUNDS LIKE A Boscil SHELL COMING OVEB "

fitlS ^
JP

IT IS, TOO."

I- . * . Rv<V.Tw,L^_

(As the shell falls well away). "WHAT'S ALL THE PUSS ABOUT?"

Punch's Almanack for 1918.

Secon&Lieutenant Tomkiiu. "TURN ODT THE GUAKD, MAN. CAN'T TOO BEE THE GKNERAL'S COMING?"
Sentry. " SERGEANT WILKINS, YOU 'RE WANTED OUTSIDE."

Corporal. " GUARD. Dis WOTCHER MOVIS' FOR ? 'TAIN'T QUARTER-DAY."

Punch's Almanack for 1918.

THE HOHENZOLLERNS UNDER A GERMAN REPUBLIC.

THE EX-KAISEB is APPOINTED TO THE POST os OFFICIAL GATIIEUEB OF SCUAPS OF PAPEB,

THE EX-KAISEE is ORDERED TO KING A JOY-BELL ox

THE ANNIVERSARY OF THE INAUGURATION OF THE GEnilAN KEPUBLIC.

TINCH'S ALMANACK FOB 1'JIS.

N\v

LITTLE TICH poves of the
greatest assistance to the
Reid Telegraph Service./

* }

/m M?HoRATIODOTTOMLEY

contents himself with the
post of Advisory Instructor
to the Prime Minister. ^

1
,d

VJTS;

VI,

VKTl

M? BERNARD SHAw,with suprem?"

self-denial, consents to
act as a Scarecrow on
the Land.

F CA8Y'

ANTI-SHRAPNEL

H5LMET

CHARLIE CHAPLIN devotes

+ ... ITIT >-D T i^tbLTi turns nei

his energies to recruitmg. taste ,. mi| | jnery toaccount .

^ .. LORD HALSBURYjoins the

y e GABYUESLYS turnsher Boy Scouts.

PUNCH'S NATKl

M? GEORGE ROBEY

^^j places his gifts

the disposal
of the Special
Constabulary.

- - -

tLoRoNoRTHCLIFFE
as Press Censor,-,

curbs the

f \

\\*Da//y

^Afa//.

is appointed
Chaplain to the
Forces.

* \

G.K.CHESTERTONisin
element as Chucker-out h RD , DERESFORD as a
ihe War Office. North Sea Buoy Scout-

iR WILLIAM RICHMOND

having successfully

camouflaged the

inside of the Dome

of S* Pauls, transfers his

activities to the outside

I SERVICE EOR ATJ

Punch's Almanack for 1918.

THE HOHENZOLLERNS UNDER A GERMAN REPUBLIC.

THE EX-KAISEB STARTS m BUSINESS AS A SECOND-HAND WABDIIOBE DEALEB.

m%WWi ^

LITTLE WILLIE TRIES TO EAKN AN HONEST PENNY.

Punch's Almanack for 1918.

THE HOHENZOLLERNS UNDER A GERMAN REPUBLIC.

LITTLE WILLIE TAKES HIS PLACE IN A SAUSAGE QUEUE.

LITTLE WILLIE OFFERS TO CARBX A LADY'S JEWEL-CASE. (Application refused.)

Punch's Almanack for 1918.

MINCE MEAT.
(By our Charivariety Artistes.)
SIR AKTHUU YAI-P is making a ploa
for simpler Christmas cookery. Wo

arc

informed that a popular tailoring
establishment has generously offered

to assist the campaign by putting out
an attractive lino of youths' unstretch-
ablo waistcoats.

We read of so
many War contrac-
tors who allege that
they arc losing
money, that we arc
relieved to learn that
one of them, more
enterprising than his
distressed comrades,
has obtained a, posi-
tion as super in a
forthcoming panto-
mime entitled The
Forty Thieves.

We are informed
that there will be no
Smithfield Show this
year. It is being
strongly urged in
certain quarters
that, rather than
abandon the his-
toric event alto-
gether, a few fat
stock classes for
German prisoners
should be shown.

Owing to the in-
creased cost of all
commodities and the
scarcity of fruit this
your, it is feared that
an epidemic of anae-
mia' may break out
among Christmas
puddings.

*...*

Fortunate are
those people who
this time last year
put Christmas pud-
dings in cold storage.

asks a weekly paper. Tho suggestion
is manifestly absurd.
* *

A well-known novelist pronounces
himself to bo in favour of happy endings.
Ho is said to have the cm-dial support
of the KAISEB.

Sir AitTnuii

* *
CON AN

DOYI.E asserts

tint, lifo in the astral plane dues nf

" It is simply a miracle," says the
Cologne Ga:<-tle, "that the Germans
have so loyally stood by thuir leaders."
We are for once in agruuniont with our
Bosch contemporary.

* *

l'ill<ii/e Worthy (to visitor).
WAR, BUT I DOAN'T RECKON
WUZN'T NO WAR."

" \VlTLL, SUR, THEY TALKS A LOT AUDIT THIS VERB
AS I BE ANY BETTER OFF THAN I WUZ WHEN THVB

Is the confetti custom dying out?
We ask because at a police court a
witness recently stated that, as a wed-
ding party waa leaving the church,
defendant hurled a
heavy walking-stick
at thorn.

Over two hundred
dogs have been
taken into custody
by the Metropolitan
Police for wearing
no collars. Tho
modicum of dress
which the law im-
poses is surely not

unreasonable.
* *

We are exceed-
ingly sorry for the
American ollicer in
London who told a
pressman that the
coffee he had been
drinking all the
week was abomin-
able. It now ap-
pears that our un-
fortunate ally had
been drinking Go-
vernment ale all the
time.

"There is, after all,
no reason why a woman
should have to cook
her own dinner, and
why, for say fifty houses,
there should not be only
one cooking of meals
one very large joint
cooked and one large
pudding made instead of
fifty small ones."

Weekly Paper.
We can dimly pic-
ture the pudding, but
what animal will
supply the joint ?

They should, of course, be carefully
dusted before being served.

: *

Irische blatter is the title of the now
Irish-German review published in Ber-
lin. It is pronounced "Irish blather."

* f *

The Ministry of Food is said to be
considering the question of prohibiting
the delivery of food by van. In several
quarters the self-delivering sausage is
said to have already made a successful
appearance.

* :;:

"Are policemen's feet growinglarger?"

differ essentially from that on earth.
A number of people in consequence
have decided to hang on here for a bit.

A device appears to have been per-
fected by which the petrol and other
by-products hitherto wasted by the
motor-cyclist will be saved, the machine
being driven entirely by the smell.
* :=

" Ham and bacon should only be eaten
at breakfast," says Sir ARTHUR YAPP.
The absence of the customary ham and
pickles from our fashionable thcs dan-
sants will be keenly felt.

Another Impending: Apology.

From the report of a benevolent
society :

"As several hon. subscribers have shown
practical sympathy with the poor Treasurer,
evidently believing in helping those that help
themselves, re 's OOINQ TO BE ALL BIOHT."

"Vox et Preterea Nihil.

THE TOILET CLUB

CULTIVATES YOUR HAIR,
STUDIES YOUR HEAD."
It seems a pity that the artists of this
club, who apparently undertake to do
something else than talking, should
adopt the motto of ordinary barberism.

Punch's AlmanacK for 1918.

JONES'S "WONDERFUL YEAR."

JOXEB'S CLERKS BEING ALL CALLED UP, LADY SUBSTITUTES
ABE ISTBODUCED.

JONES BECEIVES TUB QLAD EYE.

HIS OFFICE IS CONVERTED INTO A F.UBY GLADE.

" WITHIN THE ROSEBUD PETALS SWEET
LURKS CUPID'S FATAL DABT."

Punch's AlmanacK for 1918.

JONES'S "WONDERFUL YEAR.'

TRANSFIGURED BY LOVE, JOKES BECOMES A KNOT.

HE ORGANISES A CHEAT ADVANCE.

BUT HE HAS A SET-BACK. HIS MILITARY RIVAL, HOWEVER,
TURNS OUT TO UE THE LADY'S BROTHER, AND

JONES GAINS HIS OBJECTIVE. SO ENDS A WONDERFUL VEAIl.

Punch's Almanack for 1918.

THE BASHFUL V.C.'S WELCOME HOME.

Punch's Almanack for 1918.

Bluejacket (showing a new watch to friend). "LOOK AT THE LCMINOC8 DIAL?"
Entire Stranger (on seat in front). " DON'T MAKE PERSONAL RKMARKS!"

A..S.C. Driver (late cinema, actor). "AND TO THISK I'M DOISO THIS FOR NOTHING!'

Punch's AlmanacK for 1918.

THE PROPAGANDISTS.

[It ifl quite probable that when peace comes the Central Powers will begin active propaganda with tho object of getting into the
good graces of tUoir lato enemies.]

- n

iBiWiim^ li . I!
~

JsQ-^&

&&K

^- ?), f/L Yt. j' J

A DEMONSTRATION BY MRMBE1.S OF THE "GERMANIC LEAGUE OF LOVE."

Punch's Almanack for 1918.

THE PROPAGANDISTS.

WIIH1

THE FBKR BESTAUIUXT.

PEACE FWLWIlHElMl

Happy

HOHENZOLLER^ ?p

SWEET CONTENT

ENGLAND

WHY
BEAR
MALICE?

WE
BEAR
NONE?

,LE8T *I FORGET

WAR IS F001-1SHNES5

PBOPAGANDIXG BY POSTER.

Punch's Almanack for 1918.

GEORGE'S V.C.;

OR, COALS OP FIRE.
[Mr. Punch's great War Story, specially
-/Itten and illustrated by Miss Effio M.
Timson, after consultation with her brother
and other friends now in khaki.]

THE Colonel of the Nth Blankshires
was seated in his office. It was not an
imposing room to look at. Furnished

simply but tastefully with a table,
officers, for use of, one, and a cha
ditto, one, it gave little evidence of
the distressing scenes which had been
enacted in it, and still less evidence
of the terrible soene which was to
come. Within these walls the Colonel
was accustomed to deal out stern justice
to offenders, and many a hardened
criminal had been carried out fainting
upon hearing the terrible verdict, "One
day's C.B."

But the Colonel was not holding the
scales of justice now, for it was late
afternoon. With an expression of the
utmost anxiety upon his face he reac
and re-read the official-looking docu-
ment which he held in his hand. Even
the photograph of the Sergeant- Major
(signed, " Yours ever, Henry "), whicl
stood upon his desk, brought him no
comfort.

The door opened and Major Murga
troyd, second in command of the famous
Blankshires, came in.

"Come in," said Colonel Blowhard.
The Major saluted impressively, anc
the Colonel rose and returned his salute
with the politeness typical of th
British Army.

" You wished to see me, Colonel? "
" I did, Major." They saluted eacl
other again. " A secret document o
enormous importance," went on tlv
Colonel, " has just reached me fron
the War Office. It concerns the Regi
ment, the dear old Regiment." Bot!
men saluted, and the Colonel went o
hoarsely, " Were the news in this docu
ment to become public property befor
its time, nothing could avert the defea
of England in the present world-wid
cataclysm."

" Is it as important as that, Colonel ?
said the Major, even more hoarsely
anything.

" It is, Major."

The Major's voice sank to a whisper.

" What would not HLNDKNBURG give
o see it," he muttered.

" Ay," said the Colonel, " I say that
o myself day and night : ' What not

'hat what would what ' Well, 1

ay it to myself day and night. For
:iis reason, Major, I have decided to
ntrust the news to no one but your-
elf. Our Officers are good lads and a
redit to the dear old .Regiment " they
aluted as before" but in a matter of
bis sort one cannot be too discreet."

" You are right, Colonel."

The Colonel looked round the room
pprehensively and brought his chair
a little closer to the Major.

'The secret contained in this docu-
ment Are we alone?"

" Except for each other, Colonel."

" The secret," went on the Colonel,
'is this: that on and after the 23rd
of the month men in category X3 are
o be included in category X2."

" My God," gasped the Major, " i
HiNDENBtB3 knew 1 "

" He must not know, Major," saic
the Colonel simply. " I can trust you
not to disclose this until the time is
ripe? "

" You can trust me, Colonel."

They grasped hands and saluted.

At this moment the door opened anc
an orderly came in.

" You 're wanted by the Sergeant
Major, Sir," he told the Colonel.

".Ah, excuse me a moment," sac
the latter to his second in command
knowing how much it annoys a
Sergeant-Major to be kept waiting
He saluted and hurried out.

"Just a moment, orderly," said th
Major.

The orderly came back. " Yes, Sir,
he said.

"Did you give that message to Mis
Blowhard ? "

" Yes, Sir. She says she canno
play golf with you to-morrow becaus
she is playing with Second-Lieutenan

Lord Smith." He saluted and with-
rew.

Left alone the Major gave vent to
is rage. " Lord Smith \ " he stormed.
Curse him 1 What can she see in
bat puppy? Thrice have I used my
nfluence to send him away on a
musketry course, and thrice baa he
eturned. Could I but turn him out
f the Regiment for good, I might win
ho love of the fair Miss Blowhard,
he Colonel's daughter." In a sudden
mssion he picked up the Manual of
lilitary Law and flung it to the ground.

All at once an idea struck him and

crafty look came into his eyes.

" By Jove," he cried, " the secret
locument \ The very tiling."

To put the document into an envelope
was the work of a moment. Taking
up a pen he printed on the outside in
irge capitals these words :

FOB IIINDENBUKG
GERMANY.

With a diabolical smile he sealed the
nvelope up, rang the bell, and ordered
second-Lieutenant Lord Smith to be
wrought before him.

"You wanted mo, Sir?" said Lord
Smith on his arrival.

Of all the distinguished officers in
ihe Nth Battalion, Lord Smith was
jerhaps the most brilliant. Although
ie had -held his commission for three
years he had only been arrested twice
ay the Provost- Marshal the first time
'or wearing a soft cap when, as an
officer and gentleman, he should have
worn a hard on^, and the second time,
three months later, for, wearing a hard
ap when, as an officer and gentleman,
he should have worn a soft one. No-
body can deny that these were serious
blots on his career, but it was felt in

the trenches that his skill with the
rifle partialfy atoned for them.

" Ah, Smith, my boy," said the Major
genially, " I just wanted to know the
address of your tailor. Wonderfully
well-cut tunic this of yours." He went
over to him and, under pretence of

Punch's Almanack for 1918.

examining tin- cut of his tunic, dropped
tlio envelope cautiously into one of the
pockets.

Someuha! .-.in-prised at the compli-
ment paid to his tailor, hut, entirely un
suspicious, Lord Smith gave him -the
required address.

' Thanks," said the Major. " By the
way, I 'vo got to go out now ; would you
mind waiting lien; till tin; Colonel comes
hack '.' J fe lias left, an extremely impor-
tant document on his tahloand I do not
like to leave the room unoccupied."

"Certainly, Sir," said Lord Smit.li.

Left alone, our hero gave himself up
to thought. For some reason he dis-
trusted the Major ; he felt that Hies
were rivals for the hand of Rosamund
Rlowhard. On ten Sundays in suc-
cession ho had been forced to attend
Church Parade, what time the Major
and Rosamund were disporting thcm-

selves on the golf links. It was only
on Saturday afternoons that ho had a
chaiuio of seeing her alone, and yet he
felt somehow that she loved him.

"Ah, Smit li, my boy, ''said the Colonel
as ho hustled in. " Always glad to see
you. My favourite subaltern," he went
on, with his hand on the young man's
shoulder; "the best oflicer who ever
formed a four at bridge I mean, who
i.irmed fours; and a holder of no
fewer than three musketry cortiticates."

Lord Smith smiled modestly.

"There, 1 must get on with my
work," went on the Colonel, sit! ing
down at his table and turning over his
papers. " You find mo very you find
me you find good Heavens! "

" What is it, Sir'. 1 "

"I don't find it I've lost it; the
secret document ! "

" Was it very important, Sir?"

"Important!" cried the Colonel.
"If lliNiiKMtria; -but wo must get
to work. Summon the guard, blow
the fire-alarm, send for the Orderly
Sergeant."

Itt less than a minute the room \\as
full of armed men, including the Major.

" Men of the Nth I'.lankshires," said
the Colonel, addressing them, " a docu-
ment of enormous importance lun been
stolen from this n i. Unless that

document is recovered the fair name
of the Regiment will be irretrievably
tarnished."

"Never!" cried a Corporal of the
Signalling Section, and there was a
deep murmur of applause.

" May 1 suggest, Sir," said the Major,
"that the pockets of all should be
searched? I myself am quite ready
to set the example," and as he spoke-
he drew out three receipted hills and a
| price list of tomatoes, and placed them
before the Colonel.

One by one they followed his example.

Suddenly all eyes were fixed on
Second-Lieutenant Lord Smith, as with
horror and amazement upon his face
ho drew from his pocket the official-
looking envelope.

"I swear I never put it there, Sir,"
he gasped.

" Perhaps I ought to tell you, Sir,"
said the Major, " that I asked Lord
Smith to keep an eye upon the docu-
ment during my absence. No doubt
he placed it in his pocket for safety."

Several men ap-
plauded this sugges-
tion, for Lord Smith
was a general fa-
vourite.

The Colonel gave one
glance at the envelope,
and then, .with lire
Hashing from bis eyes,
held it up for all to
see.

" How do you ac-
count for this ? " ho
cried in a voice of
thunder, and with a
gasp of horror they
read the fatal words

FOU

they hacked the buttons
oil I ,ord Smith's tunic, they dug thostars
out of his sleeves, they tore the regi-
mental badge from his cap: they tore his
collar, they tore his tie, thoy took his
gold cigarette-case ; and still ho stood
there, saying proudly, " I am innocent."
"Go! " said theColonel, pointing with
his sword to the door.

Suddenly there was a commotion
outside and a I : | figure pushed

ils way into the loom.

" Father," cried Rosamund Blow-
haid, "spare him. Ho is innocent."

" Rosamund," said George, for so
wo must call him now, " I am inno-
cent. Some day the truth will bo
known." Then ho took a lender farewell
of her and, casting a glance of mingled
suspicion and hatred at the Major, ho
strode from the room.

ir.

The patient in the Xth bed at the
Yth Base Hospital stirred restlessly.

" Water," ho murmured, " water."

A soft-footed nurse rose and poured
some over him. "Rosamund," lie
breathed, and with a smile of content
dropped peacefully asleep again.

Who was ho, this mysterious patient
in Number X bod '.' Obviously a gentle-
man from the colour of his pyjamas,
his identity disc proclaimed him to bo
Private Smithlord of the Qth Blank-
shires. There was something strange
about him. Only that morning' he had
received the V.C. from Sir DOUGLAS
HAIO, the R.S.V.P. from General Pt-
TAIN, the Order of the Golden Elephant
from our Japanese Allies, the Order of
the Split Haddock from the President
of Nicaragua, and the Order of the
Neutral Nut from Brazil. Yet ho
cared for none of these things ; he only
murmured, "Rosamund!" Who was
Private Smithlord?

Though so little was known of him

r.KKMANY.

The Colonel and the other officers
i drew their swords, the rank and file

the story of his prowess wa-; on every
lip. An officer from his regiment who
had gone out alone to an observation
post had Lo3n surrounded and cut
off by the ouemy. Threatened on all

Punch's Almanack for 1918.

sides by guns and bombs of every

calibre, lie had prepared to sell his life

dearly. To attempt a rescue would

have been madness; even the

most reckless Town Major

would have blenched at the

idea; and the Regiment, in

the comparative safety of

their trench, could only look

on helplessly.

All but Private Smith-
lord. Hastily borrowing the
Colonel's horse, he urged
the gallant animal up the
trench and away over the top.
And then began a race such
as had never been seen at
Epsom or Melton Mowbray.

" Gad," said a sporting subaltern, who
in peace days had frequently entered
for a Derby sweepstake at the National
Liberal Club, " the beggar can ride
what?"

An answering cheer rang out from
all ranks.

Over wire entanglements and across
shell holes dashed Private Smithlord,
firing rapidly with his revolver all the
while. Nearer to the ill-fated officer he
drew, and then suddenly he was in the
midst of the enemy. Lashing out right
and left, he fought his way to the man

foreign decoration and wondering what
language he would have to speak this
time.

he had come to rescue, pulled him up old rival.

"It's an English Colonel," said the
nurse.

Suiithlord saluted and begged the
nurse to show him up at once. In
another minute Colonel Blowhard had
entered.

" I wanted to thank "you," said the
Colonel, " for so gallantly rescuing an
old friend of mine Major Murgatroyd,
belonging to the Nth Battalion Blank-
shires, but now attached to the Qth."

Smithlord could hardly repress a
start. In the excitement of the mo-
ment he had not recognised the features
of the man he had saved. It was his

behind him and, amidst a hurricane of
bullets, charged back to the British
lines. Nor did he pause till he arrived
at the Colonel's dug-out.

" I have brought him back, Sir," he
said, and fainted. When he awoke it

was to find himself in the Xth bed of
the Yth Base Hospital.

And who is it in the next bed? It is
the officer whom he rescued. Do we
recognise him? Alas, no. Although
unwounded by the enemy, the exposure
of that terrible day had brought on
a severe attack of mumps. We can-
not recognise him. But the nurse
assures us that it is our old friend,
Major Murgatroyd.

" A visitor to see you," said the nurse,
coming in and waking Private Smith- i
lord up.

" Can't you say I 'm out ? " said

' It is curious," went on the Colonel,
" that in features you resemble another
old friend of mine, Lord Smith."

" My name is Smithlord, Sir."

" Ah ! Any relation ? "

"None," said Smithlord, crossing his
thumbs under the bedclothes.

" Do you mind ringing the bell ? " he
went on, feeling that at all costs he
must turn the conversation. " I think
it is time for my medicine."

In answer to the Colonel's ring a
nurse appeared.

" Nurse Brown has just gone out,"
she said. " Can I do anything for
you?"

" Good Heavens ! Rosamund ! " cried j
the Colonel.

" Yes, father, it is I," she replied
simply. " I have come to France to
find the man I love."

you. Private Smithlord, my daughter,
Rosamund."

The two looked at each other face to
face. The intuition and ready
wit of the woman pierced the
disguise which had baffled
the soldier.

"Father," she cried, "it's
not Smithlord, it 's Lord
Smith. George!"

" Rosamund 1 " cried
George. We cannot keep
the secret any longer from
our readers ; it was Lord
Smith.

" Tut, tut, Sir, what is
this ? " said the Colonel. " I
turned you out of the Regiment three
weeks ago. What the deuce," he
said, for, like all military men, he was
addicted to strong language "what
the deuce does this mean?"
" I was innocent, Sir."
" Father, he was innocent."
" Ho was innocent," said a hollow
voice from the next bed.

"Murgatroyd?" said the Colonel.
"But this gallant follow was the man

Smithlord, expecting it was another | who - By the way, let me introduce

In amazement they all looked at the
officer lying there.

"Rosamund," he cried, "am I so
greatly changed ? "

The Colonel handed him his pocket
mirror.

" Yes," sighed the Major, " I under-
stand. But I am Major Murgatroyd."

" Major Murgatroyd ! " they all cried.

" This gallant fellow here, whom I
now know to be Lord Smith, saved my
life ; I cannot let him suffer any longer.
It was I who hid the secret document
in his pocket. I did it for love of you,
Rosamund." He held out his hand.
" Say you forgive me, my dear Lord
Smith."

Lord Smith shook his hand warmly.

But little more remains to tell. A
month later our hero was back in Eng-
land. Fortunately the Quarter-master
had kept his buttons ; and in a very
short time he was back in the dear old
uniform, and the wedding of Second-
Lieutenant Lord Smith to Rosamund
Blowhard was one of the events of the
season.

And what of Major Murgatroyd ? He
has learnt his lesson ; and as com-
mandant of a rest camp on the French
coast he is the soul of geniality to all
who meet him. A. A. M.

Punch's Almanack for 1918.

I AM BIDDEX TO THE WAU OFFICE.

I ui:rAirr FOE rr.

I ATPBOACII IT.

I EXTEB.

I AM KOT OBSEBVED.

I AM STILL KOT OBSliBVED.

I JLX OBSEEVED.

I AM SPOKES 10 (ASD STILL LIVK). I COSTKUK TO BE SPOKES TO.

I AM SPOKES TO QUITE SICELV. I Jlf SttAKEX ffJ.VCS WITH.

I TAKE MY LEAVE.

THE CIVILIAN AND THE WAR OFFICE.

Punch's Almanack for 1918.

AMERICA'S YEAR.

FRANCE WELCOMES THE HEIRS OF -jnr. I'II.OKIM

JANUARY 2, 19 LH.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAII1VARJ.

A FAIRY WENT A-MARKETING.

A FAIRY went a- market ing

She bought a little fish ;
She put it in a crystal bowl

Upon a golden dish ;
All day she sat in wonderment

And watched its silver gleam,
And then she gently took it up

And slipped it in a stream.

A fairy went a-marketing
She bought a coloured bird ;

It sang the sweetest, shrillest song
That over she had heard ;

She sat beside its painted cage
And listened half the day,

And then she opened wide the door
And let it fly away.

A fairy went a-marketing

She bought a winter gown
All stitched about with gossamer

And lined with thistledown ;
She wore it all the afternoon

With prancing and delight,
Then gave it to a.little frog

To keep him warm at night.

A fairy went a-marketing
She bought a gentle mouso

To take her tiny messages,
To keep her tiny house ;

All day she kept its busy feet
Pit-patting to and fro,

And then she kissed its silken ears,
Thanked it, and let it go. R. F.

The dancers . . . fairly brought down tlir
house with their artistic footwork."

Provincial Paper.

Not "the light fantastic."

PBOFITEEBISG.
Chickens weighing 321b. realised anything
from 10s. 6d. to 12s. The Chairman remarked
thai these exorbitant prices for poultry lessened
the amount of meat available for poor people."

Western Morning Xeics.

In the West Country where they raise
those gigantic fowls such prices may be
excessive, but to Londoners they seem
miraculously moderate.

VOL.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[.IASI-ABY 2, 191 ?.

CHARIVARIA.

" WHAT do we ask for? And what do
we stand for?" asks an evening paper
leader. Wo do not profess to have the
detective instinct unduly developed, but
we think the answer must be, "Butter."

* *

" I do not boast," said tho KAISER
in a recent address to his troops. Then
who started the scandal ?

* *

A young man of twenty-one has been
sentenced to a year's imprisonment for
burglaries at the house of his mother.
The growing tendency of the State to
interfere with family life is becoming
intolerable. * *

We hear that there will be a great

: boom in matrimony after the War.

Meanwhile it is satisfactory to note

that severe measures are being taken

against wife-hoarders.

Owing to the fact that so many of
our grown-ups are now engaged on
munitions, children in pantomimes are
this year much younger.

* *
*

A German steamer has sunk a light-
, ship off the coast of Sweden. The pur-
pose of the accident has not yet been
ascertained. * *

It is reported that the University of
Heidelberg has decided to show its
profound contempt for American Kultur
by forbidding all reference to "unser
Chaplin."

* *

Not long ago a leader from The Times
was used by a Surrey clergyman as a
: sermon, and last week Bishop WELLDON
wrote the leader in The Daily Mail.
It is not known who had the better
bargain, but there is still a good deal
of bitter feeling between the Surrey
congregation and the Carmelites.

There are brighter days in store for
journalists, it seems. A gentleman
writes to The 'Evening News to say
that he finds newspapers excellent for
lighting fires. + ^

A man fined one pound for giving a
false air-raid warning said he did it to
get his sister out of a public-house.
Owing to the match famine he was
unable to carry out his original idea of
.setting the place on fire.
* *

" I will take no profit from anything
produced for any Government during
tho War," HKNHY FOKD is rep
to have said. He is vastly mistaken if
he thinks ho can rido rough-shod over
our War Office like that.

A correspondent of The Daily Ex-
press reports the discovery that Tues-
day is much the finest day of the week.
Sir DOUGLAS HAIG is being communi-
cated with. : .. *

There is no truth in the report that,
as an answer to the Irish-Americans'
declaration of allegiance to the Allied
cause, M. DE YALERA has threatened to
put an embargo on the export of police-
men to New York.

/ V

At PopllMMv#nigek the authorities
commandeered cheese* at one largo store
and took it to another shop. We
understand that it went quietly.

WAR CHANGE.

BEFORE the War his chief character-
istics were gentleness and a soft solici-
tude.

With his eyes searching my very
soul, his whole being alert to respond
to my desire, " What is your pleasure,
Madam ? " he would ask.

In that distant past, seeing him there
inscrutable behind the bacon machine,
I have fondly imagined that one day
I would answer his question, and, lead-
ing him gently away from his sides of
bacon and his drums of cheese and out
beneath the portcullis of rabbits into
the sunlight, I would show him, in
flights of fancy, all that is my pleasure,
and ask him, was it his, wrapped in
obsequious dignity, to stand and serve.

You see, I wondered. But now
now I shall never ask that question.

I begin with an ingratiating smile.
" Can you let me have " I say.

He interrupts me and his voice is
hard and cold. " No butter, no bacon
and no tea," he says.

There is consciousness of power in
his voice and I seem to wilt under tl.e
glance of contempt with which he dis-
misses me.

" Xo tea," he repeats, turning the
knife in the wound.

" I thought you might possibly spare
me " I dare to begin to suggest.

"Ten to-morrow prompt," he inter-
rupts authoritatively. " And wait out-
side. You '11 find a queue there." The
note of triumph rings in his voice.

He watches me as I creep out of the
shop, says " Well ? " over his shoulder
to the next customer, and lovingly flicks
the dust from the imitation stacks
of tea.

So now I am answered, and it seems
that I alone among all his suppliants
am capable of a sympathetic under-
standing.

After years of unnatural obligcance
(no, I know there isn't, but there ought
can one wonder that he wallows
in an orgy of impolite refusal ?

I seem to see him there all these
years chained, as he felt, to a vast con-
suming appetite, ministering to insatia-
bility. He saw us all as mouths,
greedy and clamorous, eating into his
life and who knows what high adven-
turous dreams. And he, counter-bound
and stifling in his own politeness, could
do no more than helpfully supply what
these maws demanded.

Suddenly to find himself able, with
little pecuniary loss, to speak his mind !
What if he shows at times the temper
of a tyrant ? Who would not abandon
himself to such a situation ?

And there is another side to him
since his release. At times ho warms
to a very geniality of wrath. He
expands. He holds forth. He tells
me how I 'd never believe, and wouldn't
credit, and could scarcely imagine the
subterfuges to which the general public
will descend in an endeavour to evade
a \viso grocer's liberal rationing. He
waxes wroth over a spoilt, an overfed
and self-indulgent nation.

So now I shall never ask him what
is his pleasure. For I know.

But I wonder will he ever again
ask me the old question ?

A Fatherland Poet was busy of late
In making the KAISER a new Hymn of

Hate;
Perhaps, ere its echoes have time to

grow dim,
The Huns may be learning a new Hate

of Him.

" It is nevertheless true that our attack . . .
failed because its objects, whatever they
might have been, were not achieved."

North Mail.
Mr. BELLOC must look to his laurels.

"If he [51. Caillaux] is innocent, he hag
had the most confoundedly bad luck I A pre-
vious Joseph hardly had worse when some-
body else put a silver cup into tho mouth of
his sack." Truth.

"What is Truth?" said poor little
BENJAMIN. _

"Ravenna, which had no importance from
a commercial, naval, or military point of view,
and which had been spared by the Gothas, the
Vandals, and tho French sack of 1512, had
suffered badly from an Austrian bombardment
a few hours after Italy had entered the war."

Paper.

Wo hope the Gothas will not make up
for their previous clemency.

Extract from a letter received by a
Vicar :

" You will no doubt agree that, in view of
tho fact that His Lordship the Bishop will
preside as Chairman of the Lecture, which I
intend to give at the Victoria Hall on Monday,
it will bo necessary to use even- effort to fill
tlio Hall."

Fortunately the Bishop had a sense of
humour, and said, " Send.it to Punch."

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. JANUARY -J.

AN EASY CONUNDRUM.

FIRST \VATC.IKH ON 'nip. KuiNi:. "Til i;si; iOOUBSED BRITISH, OUR SO IT. \< 'VA-l'l. AND
CULTURED MANNHEIM TO BOMB!"

SECOND DITTO. "WHAT DEVIL TAUGHT THEM THIS BWGHTFULNESS?"

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[J.VNUAUY 2, 1918.

WILFRIDS WAY.

Wilfrid is just a horse only just.
:Ie has the soul of a cow and the
utumers of a mule. He is not even
jood to look upon, and his pre-war
jccupation must have been something
ory civilian indeed. However, he got

wards, and it happened. There was a
swift tearing sound, his gas -helmet
satchel was rent asunder, and Wilfrid
switched away with a mouthful of
biscuits, while a large flask toppled
heavily to the ground.
But his interventions are not always
so happy. During the first few months

discomfort upon the rider. However,
they progressed, and presently the Se-
cond-in-command called the battalion
to attention, while the Adjutant rode
forward to report all correct.
Then it was noticed there was some-
thing wrong. Instead of halting in
front of the battalion, according to the

into the Army with the first rush and j of his military career he actually ranked
has boon there ever since. lie is a as an officer's charger, because there
regular old soldier by this time, and it was one in the battalion who, entitled

is doubtful whether he will be able to
settle down again .bet ween the shafts of
his growler, or whatever it was, when he
is at last discharged on the cessation of

to a horse, was yet no horseman, and
considered himself well enough fixed
with Wilfrid. Then it was that he con-
tracted the drink habit. Not altogether

hostilities. For one thing, he has con- a stranger to thirst himself, this officer
traded some loose habits which will be ' viewed with sympathy Wilfrid's attrac-
against him, and picked up so many tion to water-troughs, and it soon lie-
artful dodges that he has forgotten the came quite understood that they dallied
tooling of work. No respectable Jehu with every one they came to, while the
will tolerate for a moment
his practice of stopping to
drink at every wayside
water-trough, nor indulge
him in his manner of evad-
ing fatigue by going sick
whenever a long journey
is toward ; moreover he
will be apt to disorganise
a busy city street by throw-
ing himself flat on the
ground whenever a motor
car misses fire or an elec-
tric fuse bursts, for he will
certainly take it for a bomb
or something.

Soon after joining the
Army his mind began to
work along egotistical
lines, and his character,
previously amiable and
plastic, took a turn for the
worse. He made the mis-
take of arguing from the I
particular to the general. Thus he
soon decided that all officers carry
biscuits, some furtively for their own
selfish ends, and others openly for the

delectation of friendly horses, with the 8 ,,,

result that be got into the habit of in sorrow to the ranks

buttonholing every one within reach, A battalion parade had been ordered

mounted

Countryman. "LOOK 'EM:, MISTER, YOUR THREE-MINUTE CORF-CfUE UX'T
DONE ME A BIT O' GOOD."

Quack. " AIN'T IT? W>:r,L, I RECKON YOURS AIN'T A THBEE-MINUTF
COUGH."

1 fascinated.

C.O.'s very evident intention, they car-
ried straight on, and the pace suddenly
became faster indeed it was Wilfrid
now who strove to hurry, and the C.O.,
purple in the face and producing other
noises more articulate but not so horse-
manlike, who endeavoured in vain to
pull him up. The pace increased to a
spanking trot. Then all at once those
of the spectators who knew Wilfrid's
way awoke to the situation, and several
officers left their posts and
spurred after him in pur-
suit. Observing his line of
sight they noticed a stag-
nant pond at the other side
of the ground, and to this
was Wilfrid obviously
bent. Nay, worse. Hear-
ing the thud of hoove-;
behind and, thinking him-
self to be one of a party
now, he broke into an ex-
cited gallop which brought
him to the edge of the pond
a length ahead of the
nearest rescuer. TheC.O.
by this time had also
awakened to the signifi-
cance of the situation, but
too late. Wilfrid took the
water with a splash and
in a trice was belly-deep.
The rescue party reined up
on the bank, foiled but

officer smoked cigarettes and Wilfrid
quaffed. This went on daily for some
time until, as the direct consequence of
such an abuse of privilege, the incident
occurred which brought down his head

in order to investigate his possibilities.
His method is simple. Snuffling and
blowing all over the victim's person
until the goods are located, he then
concentrates his nose upon the hiding-
place with a good assurance that the
biscuits will be produced. If you have
none he takes it out of your buttons.
One day the A.D.V.S. inspected the
H's \\hen lie was in a bad temper, and
quite inadvertently some trifling mis-
use of Government property got dis-
closed. He immediately seized upon
this as the text for a proper strafe, and

and the C.O., discovering at the eleventh
hour that none of his own horses was
person | available, was forced to make a quick
'choice from those still in the lines.
Wilfrid, trying to buttonhole him as he
passed, attracted attention and was
chosen.

On the parade ground the battalion
waited, the men fidgotting and the Se-
cond-in-command comparing watches
with the Adjutant. At last the C.O.
hove in sight, riding vigorously because
he was late, and making clicking noises
with the roof of his mouth; but, dis-

j . i i "**** **J\/WUU | UUU UUJ-

waxed so passionate that ho failed to darning such expedients, Wilfrid moved
otico \\ ilfrid close behind him cvinc- ' along at a trot of his own invention

nig ,1 long investigatory symptoms. | designed to express reluctance and to wurcntamvyt

took one pace back- discourage haste by inflicting extreme : One for the House of Lords

First of all \Vilfrid sucked long and
deep of the noisome beverage, keenly
appreciating its vast quantity, and then,
neighing with pleasure,, he began to
mark time with all his feet, stirring up
the mud and making the water foam
and fly. Next, he decided for a plunge.
The first shock disposed of the Colonel,
who disappeared for a moment before
arising, apoplectic and trailing weeds,
like some camouflaged Venus. Wad-
ing ashore, he mounted another horse
and hurried home. Wilfrid had a good
dip, threshed his way to land, shook
himself thoroughly and trotted jauntily
off in the direction of the lines, while
the Second-in-command went back to
dismiss the parade.

Wilfrid lias been a pack-horse ever

since.

"SITUATIONS WAN i ED.
As Companion to Christian gentleman,
present with titled one."

Chitrdi Family Xcirspapcr.

JANUARY 2, 1918.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CIlAllFVAUf.

OUTSIDER'S MKNTAL PICTURE OP THE MEANINO OF IHE NEWSPAPER PHRASE, "A SENSATION WAS CAUSED IS 8OCIBT* CIBCLEK."

TO A WAR-TIME PLUM-PUDDING.

PHINCE of all puddings, one time redolent
Of Orient spices magically blent
With peel that was a poignant memory
Of terraced orchards sloping to the sea ;
Fulfilled of currants fresli from Zaute's crates,
Raisins of Seville and delicious dates
From groves that ancient Tigris sprawls upon,
And figs that grew on cedared Lebanon ;
Whose generous girth proclaimed, concealed within,
Almonds of Jordan whiter than the skin
Of moon-faced houris fresh from Paradise,
And half-a-pint of brandy of great price
Oh, I have loved thee, Pudding, and my joy
Was to walk into thee, a care-free boy,
While sobbing parents hade mo give it best,
Saying no human ostrich could digest
So many or such helpings ; sisters wept,
Fearing the worst ; but I, unheeding, leapt
Hard on thy unbroached flank, crying, " On ! Sir Duff,
And cursed be he who cannot hold enough ! "

Age could not dim my ardour ; skilled it not
How monstrous thou emcrgcdst from the pot,
Or if thy heart were dour as driven lead
I simply took my spoon and laid thee dead.
And all through Maida Yalo my fame went forth,
And sporting uncles living in the North
Gathered about the festive board to view
The struggle, laying bets of five to two
That all my stoam was gone, my footwork slow.
And fourteen rounds were more than I could go.

Alas ! alas ! I little thought I should
See U-boats do what Nature never could ;

That I who once leapt blithely to the attack
Should, like a pallid schoolgirl, hang me back,
Running dank digits through my troubled hair,
And roll my eyes and mutter, " Give uie air ! "
After three helpings I who in my day
Had scarcely paused till thou wast stowed away.
The reason ? Ah ! it is not hard to guess :
Thou art no more plum-pudding, but a mess
Of prunes and treacle ; thy false curves conceal
Ground rico and grated carrots and the meal
That thrifty Scots devour. They bore thee in
With holly stuck in thy deceptive skin
And set thee down, unfit for man or brute,
A stodge, a fraud, a Hunnish " substitute."
I gazed upon thee with a practised eye,
Prepared to pluck an easy victory ;
We closed, and in one hideous trice I knew
That Whipcord Smith had met his Waterloo.

And they who gathered to the historic feast,
Deeming me good for thirteen rounds at least,
Talked of foul play and called the tiling absurd
When I was going groggy in the third,
And heaped abuse on my defeated head
As 1 was being lifted into bed.

Enough, since I am called upon to make
This bitter sacrifice for England's sake.
But some day, when the hateful strife is o'er,
Thou shalt be for it, pudding, as of yore ;
Fruited and spiced and sugared thou shalt come,
And all of forty inches round the turn,
And I will do thee in, even to the utmost crumb.

ALGOL.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANUARY 2, 1918.

FREE MEALS.

WIIKV WILLIAM bad not crossed the
Rhine

And food could still bo found,
How often did wo all decline, '
If someone asked us out to dino,

Upon tbe smallest ground !
Because his talk was imbecile,

Because bis face was plain,
One used to miss tbo loveliest meal

And not get asked again.

Less oft to-day do men endow

Their famished friends with food ;
Free dinners aro free dinners now,
And to refuse, as all allow,

Is rather mad than rude;
While prudent folk, with frank delight,

Both indigent and rich,
When asked "to come and dine some
night,"

Make answer, " Thank you ; 'which ? "

My old friend Hubert, like some bee,

From host to host doth flit
For dinner, lunch and even tea
(I do believe he 'd breakfast free

If he could manago.it) ;
Till, having drained all other flowers

And reached an anxious point,
Ho flies to Streatham and devours

His Aunt Jane's Sunday joint.

In olden days he only knew

Those in the social swim,
But now he takes a broader view
And feeds with all (though very few

Have ever fed with him) ;
Only, I think, he has a doubt,

Only the world looks gray,
When different people ask him out

To dinner on one day.

And surely thus shall strife conclude

When 'rations got so small
That peers with peasantry have chewed
And men are glad to take their food

With anyone at all ;
Though, at the worst, I don't expect

The War will thus be done :
A starving world would still object

To eating with the Hun. A. P. II.

THE MUD LARKS.

No one, with the exception of the
Bosch, has a higher admiration for the
scrapping abilities of tbe Scot than I
have, but in matters musical we do not
bear ear to ear. It is not that I have
no soul ; I have. I fairly throb with
it. I rise in the mornings trilling trifles
of MONCKTOX and croon myself to sleep j
o' nights with snatches of NOVELLO.

I do not wish to boast, but to hear
me pick the "Moonlight Sonata" out
of a piano with one hand (the other !
strapped behind my back) is an unfor-
gettable experience.

I would not yield to PADEREWSKI

himself on the comb, bones or Jew's-
harp, and I could give A. GABRIEL a run
for his money on the coach-horn. But
these bagpipes !

It is not so much the execution of
the bagpiper that I object to as. his re-
stricted repertoire. He can only play
one noise. It is quite useless a Scot ex-
plaining to me that this is tho " Lament
of Sandy M'acpliorson " and that tbe
"Dirge of Hamish MacNish;" it all
sounds the same to me.

Tbe brigade of infantry that is camped
in front of my dug-out (" Mon Eopos ")
is a Scots brigade. Not temporary
Scots from tho Highlands of Commis-
sioner Street, Jo'burg, and Hastings
Street, Vancouver (about whom I have
nothing to say), but real pulcka, law-
abiding, kirk-going, God-fearing, bayo-
net-pushing Gaels, bred among the
crags of the Grampians and reared on
thistles and illicit whuskey. And every
second man in this brigade is a con-
firmed bagpiper.

They have massed pipes for break-
fast, lunch, tea and dinner; pipes-solos
before, during and after drinks. If one
of them goes across the road to borrow
a box of matches a piper goes with
him raising Cain. Their Officers' Mess
is situated just behind "Mon Kepbs,"
so we live in tho orchestra stalls, so
to speak, and hear all thero is to bo
heard.

One evening, while Sandy Macpher-
son's (or Hamish MacNish's) troubles
were being very poignantly aired next
door, Albert Edward came to the con-
clusion that the limit had been reached.
" They 've been killing the pig steadily
for ten days and nights now," said
he ; " something 's got to be done
about it."

" I'm with you," said I ; " but what
are we two against a whole brigade?
If they were to catch you pushing an
impious pin into one of their sacred
joy-bags there 'd bo another Second
Lieutenant missing."

"Desist and let me think," said
Albert Edward, and for the next hour
he lay on his bed rolling and groaning
the usual signs that his so-called
brain is active.

The following morning he rode over
to the squadron, returning later with
the Mess gramophone and a certain
record. Thero are records and records,
but for high velocity, armour-piercing
and range this one bangs Banagher.
It is a gem out of that " sparkling galaxy
of melody, mirth and talent/' (Press
Agent speaking), " I Don't Think,"
which scintillates nightly at the Frivo-
lity Theatre.

" When the Humming-birds are sing-
ing " is the title thereof, and Miss Birdie
de Maie renders it renders it as she

alone can, in a voice like a file chafing
corrugated iron.

We started the birds humming at
t I'M., and let it rip steadily until
11.15 P.M., only stopping to change
needles.

Albert Edward's batman unleashed
tho hubbub again at six next morning ;
my batman relieved him at eight, and
so on throughout the day in two-hour
shifts. At night the line guards carried
on. Tho following morning, as our
batmen threatened to report sick, we
crimed a trooper for " dumb insolence "
and made him expiate his sin by tend-
ing the gramophone. O'Dwyer, of one
tho neighbouring ammunition columns,
came over in the afternoon to complain
that his mules couldn't got a wink of
sleep and were muttering among them-
selves ; but we gave him a bottle of
whiskey and he went away quietly.

Monk of the other column called an
hour later to ask if we wanted to draw
shell-fire ; but we bought him off with
a snaffle bit and a bottle of hair lotion.

The whole neighbourhood grew res-
tive. Somebody under cover of the dark
took a pot at the gramophone with a
revolver and winged it in the trumpet.
Even the placid observation balloon
which floats above our camp grew
nasty and dropped binoculars and sex-
tants on us. We built a protective
breastwork of sand-bags about it and
carried on. As for ourselves we didn't
mind the racket in the least, having
taken tho precaution of corking -our
cars with gunners' wax.

Then one evening we discovered a
Highland bomber worming up a drain
on his stomach towards our instrument.
Cornered, he excused himself on the
plea that it was a form of Swedish
exercise he always took at twilight
for the benefit of his digestion. An
ingenious explanation, but it hardly
covered the live Mills bomb ho was
endeavouring to conceal in a fold of his
kilt. We drove him away with a barrage
of peg-mallets; but secretly we were
very elated, for it was clear that the
strain was telling on the hardy Scot.

As a precautionary measure we now
surrounded the gramophone with a
barbed wire entanglement, and so we
carried on.

Next day wo saw a score of kiltie
officers grouped outside their Mess,
heads together, apparently in earnest
consultation. livery now and again
they would turn and glare darkly in
our direction.

" Tho white chiefs hold heap big
palaver over yonder," Albert Edward
remarked. "They're tossing up now
to decide who shall come over and
heard us. The braw bairn with the
astrakhan knees has lost ; be 's cocking

JANUARY 2, 191H.] PUNCH, OR TUB LONDON CHARIVAKr.

L;u

THE SPRING BLINDS.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANUARY L>, 191S.

Little Girl (to aunt, who is staying in the house on a visit). "ARE you GOING OUT, AUNTIE? You 'VE GOT A HOLE IN YOUR VEIL."

Aunt. "HAVE I? I'M AFRAID I HAVEN'T TIME TO CHANGE IT NOW."

Little Girl. "Oil, WELL, IT'S NOT A VERY BIG ONE AND, AFTER ALL, I DON'T SUPPOSE ANYONE WILL KNOW YOU'RE MY AUNT."

his bonnet and asking his pals if he 's
got his sporran on straight. Behold
he approacheth, stepping delicately. I
leave it to you, partner."

I lay in the grass and waited for the
deputation. The gramophone, safe be-
hind its sandbags and wire, was doing
business as usual, Miss Birdie yowling
away like a wild cat on hot cinders.
The deputation picked his way round
the horse lines, nodded to mo and sat
down on the oil-drum we keep for tho
accommodation of guests. He ner-
vously opened the ball by remarking
that the weather was fine.

I did not agree with him, but refused
to argue. That baffled him for some
seconds, but he recovered by maintain-
ing that it was any way liner than it
had been in 1915. After that outburst
he seemed at a loss for a topic of con-
versation, and sat scratching his ear as
if he expected to get inspiration out of
it as a conjurer gets rabbits.

" Ye seem verra partial to music ? "
he ventured presently.

" Passionately," said I.

"Ah hem!. Ye seem verra partial
to that one selection," he continued.

" Passionately devoted to it," said I.
" Lovely little thing ; I adore its senti-
ment, tempo, tremolo and timbre, its
fortissimo and allegro. Just listen to
the part that 's coming now

"When the humming birds arc singing

And the old church bells arc ringing
We'll canoodle, we'll canoodle 'neath the

moon.

Down in Alabama
You '11 be my starry-eyed charmer ;
On my white-haired kitten's grave we '11 sit
and spoon, spoon, spoo-oo-oon.

Nifty bit of allegro work that eh,
what?"

He nodded politely. " Ay of courrse,
sairtainly; but er er don't yo find
it grows a wee monotonous in time '? "

" Never," I retorted stoutly. " Not
in tho least. No more than you find
the Lament or Dirge of Sandy Mac-
pherson or Hamish MacNish mono-
tonous."

He cocked his ears suddenly and
stared at me. Then his chubby face

split slowly from ear to ear in the
widest grin I ever saw, and up went
both his hands.

" Kamerad ! " said he. PATLANDEIS.

Intelligent Anticipation.
From tho "Ladies' Letter" of The
East Anglian Daily Times of. Monday,
December 24th :

"London, Sunday Night.
"Christmas is over, and those lucky ones
who were favoured with holidays have in many
instances returned to their labours . . ."

Horace to the Pacifist.
" Hoc caverat mens provida Eeguli
Dissentientis condicionibus
Focdis et exemplo trahentis
Perniciem veniens in scvum."
Carm. III. 5.

'Tvvas this that Regulus foresaw

What time lie spurned the foul

disgrace

Of Peaco whose precedent would draw
Destruction on an unborn race.

Conington's Translation.

IMJXCEI. OR TKK LONDON CEURIVARI.-JANUABY 2, 1918.

TO ALL AT HOME.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANUARY 2, 191=".

[Owiug to the dearth of taxi-cabs the habit, hitherto confined to station porters, hotel boys and commissionaires, of annexing
one while it is still occupied is spreading to the general public.]

LIEUTENANT WEYMOUTH-MILLS AND Miss SMYTHE-HOSKINS, WHO HAVE BEEN DINING AT THE CAKLTOX. AUK DETEKMINKD TO CKT TO
THE GAIETY THEATKE, EVEN IF THEY HAVE FIRST TO TRAVERSE THE NORTHERN HEIGHTS OF KILEVHN.

THE QUEEN OFTHE ADRIATIC.

IT would not matter about meeting
Houlton every now and then in the
street, the train or a lunching-place, if
I had not chanced to run across him
a few summers ago in Venice ; nor
would it matter about having run
across him a few summers ago in
Venice if I did not now chance to meet
him every now and then in London.
But, after the recent Italian reverse,
the concatenation is getting rather
deadly.

The trouble is that our acquaint-
anceship is of strictly Venetian origin,
it was of the slightest even then,
consisting chiefly in Houlton and his
wife, after breakfast, asking me the
way to some church or palace, and
in my answers by virtue of which
I acquired in their oyes, all unwar-
ranted, an authority amounting to in-
spiration. It used to amuse me to
think how easily such reputations can
1)6 acquired : " To have been there be-
fore " is almost the golden rule; but it
doesn't amuse me any longer. I meet
Houlton loo often.

Before the Italian debacle we merely
used to pass the time of day, or nod,

or ask each other when the War would
be over and shake our heads sapiently,
with inscrutable smiles, in reply, and
get disentangled as quickly as possible.
But since the Germans reinforced the
Austrians and assailed theFriulian plain
there is no getting rid of Houlton like
that. He buttonholed me on the very
next day and began the new campaign
by remarking mournfully, in subdued
tones, almost as though we were in
the room below the body, that we
should never meet on the Giudecca
again. It was there that ^^e had first
met, in a pension kept, I regret to say,
by a German's widow (I regret, of
course, not that she was a widow, but
that she was a German at all), and it
is there, no doubt but " under entirely
new management" that he had been
hoping to meet me once more. But
with the onset of the Huns that hope
seemed to be extinguished. Houlton
had already surrendered Venice; not
only was her fall a foregone conclusion,
but her total destruction too. He had
been in his last gondola, eaten his last
scampi, fed his last pigeon under the
camera's eye.

Such is the authority with which, as
i I have said, he has invested me that

the expression of the fact that I per- j
sonally intended to take a much less j
j gloomy view immediately restored his
buoyancy.

"Then you do really think," he
concluded a long series of Venetian
reminiscences " you do really think
my wife and I may venture to look
forward to another holiday there?
That is wonderful. You have no idea
how you have cheered me."

Next day he cornered me again and
wanted to know if I knew whether all
the Tintorettos (he hesitated between
Tintorettos and Tintoretti and finally
rested on Tintorettos) had been taken
away and concealed in places of safety.
A man at the Bank had told him that
that was so; but he could not feel any
confidence about it until he had my
corroboration. Again I sent him away
with a mind at ease.

At our next meeting, in the rain, in
Threadneedle Street, he stopped me to
recall the Armenian monastery on the
island on the way to the Lido.

"If the enemy gets Venice," he
asked, "will those Armenians be mas-
sacred too?"

" Surely," I said, " there would not be
'such an atrocity as that. It is the

JANUARY 2, 1'JIH.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ClfAIUVAKF.

Turks who massacre Armenians, not
tho (ionnaiis or Austrian*."

'Mut they're all Allies, 1 ' ho replied,
dwelling fondly on tho worst.

"True," I said, "but 1 am prepared
to bet supposing, which I doubt, that
Venice falls that that little colony of
scholars is spared."

1 le wont away with tears of gratitude
in his eyes, as though it were my |MT-
sonal exorcise of clemency that, li;ul
done it, and I had the feeling that he
would catch an earlier train homo that
evening to bear the glad news.

Tho next time, so far as I can remem-
ber, was at BIUCH'S, and he came over
to my table to ask if I thought YER-
ROCCHIO'S statue of COU,EOM was all
right. After tho bomb which had fallen
some weeks before on the Ospcdale
close by, the Italians surely would
have wished to move it. But the fear
troubled him that it might be too heavy
to move.

I agreed that it would be heavy, but,
sinco the statue had been brought
there and set up, obviously it could be
taken down and removed. That which
man has done man can do ; and so on.
This struck him as a novel idea, and
he was again enormously relieved.

"After all, "I said, "there is no reason
to suppose the Italians any less keen
about preserving their treasures than
other nations are."

Ho thanked me warmly and with-
drew.

Last week I met him again, full of
fresh forebodings about our Venice's
fate. By "our Venice" he meant his
and mine. The advantages gained by
the enemy hero and there on the Italian
lino bad depressed him anew. The
evening before, be said, Mrs. Houlton
and ho had spent two melancholy but
delightful hours looking through their
Venetian photographs and re -living
their happy Venetian fortnight. How
i tragic to think that never would they
see those beautiful things again the
Doges' Palace, the Bridge of Sighs,
St. Mark's, the Campanile.

Again I reassured him, and he told
me of the joy that would be Mrs.
Houltou's on hearing my words. But
his pleasure will bo of very short
duration, and the bore will recom-
mence ; for Houlton is one of those
people whoso minds move in circles.
Mean while I am, oddly enough, begin-
ning really to want to meet him again
in Venice. I know of a secluded, dark
and very deep part of the Grand Canal
\Yhich was absolutely made for him.

" Our Prisoners in Turkey," says a
headline. At this season wo would
sooner have read of " turkey in our
Prisoners."

Orderly Sergeant. " LIGHTS OCT, THERE."

Voice from the Hut. "IT'S THE MOOX, SEBGIXT."

Orderly Sergeant. "I DON'T GIVE A D s WHAT IT is. PI~T IT OUT!"

Our Submarine Fliers.

"AIRCRAFT FLY 400 FEET BELOW LEVEL

OF DEAD SEA."
Heading in Provincial Paper.

"It was a picturesque throng. From the
outskirts of Jerusalem tho Jaffa road was
crowded with people who flocked westward to
greet the conquering general. The pre-
dominance of the tarbrush in the streets
added to the brightness of tho scene."

Daily Express.

That is not its usual effect.

From a review of an anthology for
soldiers :

" Within sonic 20 pages tho fighting man is
offered W. K. Henley's most familiar poem,
Jim Bludso,' etc." Times.

We hope the compiler has also included
something from JOHN HAY'S "In
Hospital."

How to Save Matches.
" Ho stopped and re-lit his cigarette with a
great light in his oyos." -Scottish Paper.

"Did Mr. over pause to think of tho

hidden sympathy, the fine sentiment, attached
to a pair of socks knitted by a woman for ' an
unknown soldier." I understand factories can-
not copo with tho demand for these articles."
Montreal Weekly Star.

The writer certainly ought not to have
given the show away.

The London Correspondent of The
Descrct .\Vic.s-, published at Salt Lake
City, signs himself as follows:

"HAYDEN CHURCH.
apaM, mfwy w/p wyp wvp ypvp."

It is not clear whether this is merely
natural exuberance or whether a Welsh
strain in the writer is indicated.

PUNCH, OR THIS LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANUARY 2, 191

(intinl Old Gentleman. "WASHING-DAY, I PRESUME?"

Lady. " Ho NO, SIK. WE 'RE EXPKCTIN' OP A HAIB-HAID AND WE 'KE ALL A-OOIN' TO SUBKENDEU."

THE LONE HAND.

SHE took her tide and she passed the Bar with the first o'

the morning light ;
She dipped her flag to the coast patrol at the coming down

of the night ;

She has left the lights of the friendly shore and the smell of
the English land,

And she 's somewhere South o' the Fastnet now
God help her . . . South o' the Fastnet now,
Playing her own lone hand.

She is ugly and squat as a ship can be, she was new when

the Ark was new,
But she takes her chance and she runs her risk as well as

the best may do;

And it 's little she heeds the lurking death and little she
gets of fame,

Out yonder South o' the Fastnet now
God help her . . . South o' the Fastnet now,
Playing her own lone game.

She lias played it once, she has played it twice, she has

played it times a score ;
Her luck and her pluck are the two trump cards that have

won her the game before ;

And life is the stake where the tin fish run and Death is
the dealer's name,

Out yonder South o' the Fastnet now
God help her . . . South o' the Fastnet now,

Playing her own lone game. C. F. S.

"DORTY DOODLES."

How Dorty Doddles as a name for a person originated
is not quite clear. The best and most probable account of
the incident is this. It happened in the reign of the third
female tyrant of the nursery, on a New Year's Day a good
many years ago. The third tyrant had been behaving very
riotously, having even gone so far as to refuse to put on
her nightgown ; had slapped her Prime Minister, the nurse,
on the cheek not a violent slap, but an unmistakable one,
and had then careered round the nursery without a vestige
of clothing. The nurse had appealed in vain to the tyrant's
better feelings, and the two preceding tyrants, who had
each in turn been deprived of their tyrannical privileges by
the advent of a successor, had then joined forces with
number three, and the nurse had assured them all that
their parents had far too many naughty daughters.

This saying had been rapturously received, and they had
all shouted, " Naughty daughters," in chorus as loudly and
as well as they could. In the case of the reigning tyrant
this had gone no further than shouting "Dorty Doddles"
at the top of her voice. When later on her male parent
had come in to tuck her up in bed he found to his surprise
that a new demand was made upon him. He was asked
insistently to tell her "all about Dorty Doddles." He as-
sumed that these mystic words were the name of a person,
and told his story accordingly, and this is how it ran :

" Dorty Doddles was a little girl of extraordinary good-
ness and kindness who lived by herself in a little cottage
near a wood. She had once had a mother, but her mother
' had gone out one day and had never come back. Every

J \M-.MIY '2, 191S.]

PUNCH, 01; THK LONDON- CIIAIMVAIM.

day Dorty Doddles bought for hor
mother, and every day she sought in
vain. J5ut she was a bravo little girl
and continued her search in spite of all
disappointment i,

" One morning Dorty Doddles set
out quite early on lior quest. She had
not gone very far whon she found her-
self walking along a patli that was new
to her, but she stepped boldly on in
spite of a feeling that some adventur
was about to happen. Suddenly tw
huge St. Bernard dj, r s came boundin
along to meet her. Dorty Doddles hel
up her hand and the dogs stopped an
wagged their tails. ' We are not reall
dogs,' said one of them, ' but wo are
King andQueen who have been changci
into this shape by the wiles of a wickei
magician, and we cannot be restored ti
our true selves until a little girl ha
blown a blast on the silver bugle tha
hangs above the castle gateway. "Tha
will I do,' said Dorty Doddles, and thej
all walked on very happily together.

" They had not gone much furthei
when, lo and behold, two white pussy
cats with bushy tails came leaping
along the path, and Dorty Doddles
again held up her hand, and the cats
stopped. ' We are not really cats,' saic
one of them, ' but we are a Prince am
Princess wlo have been enchanted by
a -wicked magician, and we cannot be
changed back until a little girl blows
a blast on the silver bugle that hangs
above the castle gateway.'

" So these two joined the procession
and all walked on together.

V Soon afterwards two large blue
birds came sailing through the air
towards them and announced them-
selves as a Duke and Duchess who had
fallen into the power of the wicked
magician and were unable to cast off
their plumage until a blast had been
blown on the silver trumpet.

" At last they arrived at the castle
gateway and there, lo and behold, high
up above the great arch hung the silver
bugle on a golden hook. 'Alas', said
Dorty Doddles, 'I can never reach it.'
But the birds soou eased her mind

Special Coiutable Btiik, (reading). "'ON DRAWING YOUR TRUNCHEON BKIXC. IT SMART: Y

ACROSS YOUB OPPONENT'S INEE8 OB 8H1S8. IF THIB HAS NOT THB DESIRED KHFRCT HAWK
THE TRUNCHEON SMABTI.Y AND 8TIUKE YOUB ADVERSARY ON THE POINT OF THK JA\v

THEN SECURE HIM AND BEPOHT TO YOL-B SUPERIOR OFFICEB ' "

~~ v.. They seized her

by hor leather belt, flapped their great wings and soared
into the air with her until she was able to take the
bugle from its hook. Then she put it to her lips and
blew a resounding note, and the birds came down
gently and placed her again upon the earth. When she
looked round, dogs, cats and birds had vanished, and in
their place stood a King and Queen, robed in purple, a
Prince and Princess of unniatchablo beauty, and a Duke
and Duchess of
and

years. ___ j ^ vumij .,.

since she had to look for her mother. So she went home
quietly, taking with her a casket of diamonds and rubies
and the silver bugle which had done such wonderful things."
Such was the opening chapter of the story singularly
inapposite to the occasion of Dorty Doddles. E. C. L.

Taking no Risks.

"On December 31st, at 11 a.m., wo shall hope to hold a
night Service." Parish 3tagoMae.

Mi.l-

n -

Dorty Doddles to stay with them for many

Amsterdam. From January 1 the weekly fat ruti.ju in
will be reduced from 90 bo 70 grammes, allowiiiR fur special rati.m-
for the sick, Ac. The Berlin papers calculate that thi- mean- ;il most
65.5 grammes per head of the population."

WILLIAM w ill have to get a smaller helmet.

" M. Clcmeuceau's decision to prosecute M. Caillaux for hixh '
iijK'iis perhaps the bitterest and most serious political conflict in tin-
history of the FourUi H*>nnMi/' " u^m,./!. .</... /:,.,.,..;,...

^^ ^^vj i^uuic LU BMJ uiui many i opens pernaps tne bitterest and most serious political QC

But Dorty Doddles could not accept this invitation history of the Fourth Republic." Maticliester Guardian.
e had to look for her mother. So she went home With so many republics cropping up daily on all sides

Eussia, Finland, Ukraine, Siberia, the Bashkirs, and tin-
Amur our contemporary may be excused for assuming
that our French friends have improved the opportunity by
overthrowing their Third Eepublic and setting up a Fourth.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANUARY 2, 1919.

AT THE PLAY.

" ALADDIN."

OXK should approach the discussion
of a Drury Lane Hardy Annual with
the reverence due to a British Institu-
tion. If it doesn't satisfy you, you
must look for the fault in yourself 01
your environment advancing years,
imperfect digestion, the Duration or
what not. I must try to let this thought
govern my attitude in regard to Aladdin.

Frankly, I found it on the dull side,
with little of mechanical novelty, no
new' tlirill of situation, and scarcely
:i single fresh wheexe. 1 remember
only one attempt to tell a funny story;
it was about a dog and a Daddy and it
was old and not very good for children to
hear. There were some passable songs,
but there was hardly any good singing;
and the dances were not so brilliant as
to justify the introduction of dummies
in ridicule of the art of another Hall of
Mirth. The chief source of spontaneous
laughter was primeval ; it was the merry
Widow Twankay's habit of taking up,
with studied inadvertence, a sitting
posture on the unresilient floor.

Excellent work was done by the
scene - painters and the sqhemers of
colour ; but the beauty of the set pieces
was nearly always damaged by the in-
tervention of some grotesque figure
that let it down. The device of contrast,
so admirable when employed intelli-
gently as between the dignity of the
Slave of tlie Lamp and the buffoonery
of the Slave of the King was here
merely abused. By the way, you may
have wondered why it was that the
two Slaves, aic\\ practically omnipotent
in the original, should have been so
distinct in their methods ; why the Slave
of the. Lamp could raise a palace for
Aladdin with n wave of his hand,
while the other had to busy himself,
with such masterly futility, over the
contemptibly practical details of planks
and scaffolding. The explanation is
easy. The scene-shifters, though very
fleet at their job, were not fabulous
wizards ; and something had to be done
at the front to keep us quiet while the
great labour battalion was putting up
its dome behind the scene.

The authorship of the text is as-
cribed to Messrs. F. ANSTEV, FRANK
Dix and AllTBCB GOLEUIS, I can only
guess what share wa* taken by each ;
but I seemed to recognise Mr. ANSTEY'S
hand in the diction of the genie of the
lamp, in the Gilbertian humour of the
Kmpci-^r of Cliiini, and in that general
freedom from inconsequence which is
the mark of the logical mind. For my-
self, 1 could have desired a little more
irresponsibility. The solitary advantage
that you got from assisting" at the per-

formance of a thread-bare theme is
that you have no difficulty, as with a
Eevue, in following the plot, and can
afford to have any number of dis-
tractions. Yet in a Kevue they give
you all sorts of side-shows totally un-
related to the main issue (if any), and
here there was very little diversion
that did not arise out of the tale and
its traditional distortions.

In the dialogue we had some clever
making of bricks without much straw ;
but very few topical chances were
taken. Still, I hope that the many
ollicers in the audience gathered from
the allusions to butter and margarine
that wo are bearing our terrible trials
at home with a fortitude worthy of the
race.

Miss MADGE TITHERADGE was a very

SLAVE AND SUPER-SLAVE.
Slave of the Ring . . MR. WILL EVANS.
Slave of the Lamp . . MB. CALEB POUTER.

gallant and clean-limbed Aladdin.
Mr. STANLEY LUPINO, as the Widow
Ttrankay, bore the brunt of the attack
with remorseless humour. The fact that
his wounds were mostly behind is no
reflection on his indomitable courage.
Mr. WILL EVANS, as the Slave of the
Ring, was more reticent, but there was
much eloquence in his face. The
Abanazar of Mr. EGBERT HALE was a
joyous rogue; and Mr. HARRY CLAFF
made an admirable Emperor of China,
with a nice sense of the absurdities
of Opera.

I don't know what became of the
Harlequinade, as 1 left after the Na-
tional Anthem, and it hadn't occurred
by then, though we were well on into
the fifth hour. I never can understand
why we should be given so much more
for our money (not mine, I ought to say)
at Drury Lane Pantomime than at any

other exhibition. Perhaps the children,
whose show it's supposed to be, mis-
take quantity for quality. But to me,
who come somewhere between the two
childhoods, it seemed that there was
scarcely a single scene which would not
have been the better for rationing.

And this brings me back to my intro-
duction. If there is fault to find I
must believe that it lies with me and
the peevishness of middle ago.

. o. S.

BALLADE OF THE INCOMPE-
TENT BALLADIST.

WHEN first I started out to rhyme

Above a score of years ago,
The Ballade's sweet recurrent chime,

Its alternating ebb and flow,
I thought extremely comme-il-faut,
And strove the instrument to handle ;
But now for doggerel bards I know
The Ballade game 's not worth the
candle.

If steeped in roguery and crime,

As VILLON was, or schooled by woe,
You may upon this ladder climb

To an immortal afterglow ;

But if your life be staid and slow,
Unruffled by the breath of scandal,

This is a fruitless field to hoe
The Ballade game "s not worth the
candle.

It isn't played in pantomime;

The Georgians label it "old clo',"
And leading prophets of our time,

Like Mr. WELLS and "Captain COE,"

And votaries of I' Art Nouvcau,
And wearers of the bare-foot sandal,

Would probably endorse the mot
The Ballade game 's not worth the
candle.

ENVOY.

Prince, though the gods on you bestow
A gift denied to Goth and Vandal,

Yet for the eagle as the crow
The Ballade game 's not worth the
candle.

From a company report :
"Directors' gees, 031 12s. lid."

We suppose this large sum represents
what is technically known as '
over-iiding commission."

" The twenty-fourth annual meeting of the
Irish Convention was held to-day in the
Regent House, Trinity College."

Dublin Evening Idati.

We knew it had been sitting a long
time, but

Extract from letter received by a
firm of house-furnishers :

"Also if you feel quite sure our fleet is
strong enough to keep the Germans out, I
should like a comfortable Couch, second-hand
would do quite well, mahogany frame. . . ."

JAM-.VUY 2, V

I'CNCIF, Olt THK LONDON Clf.MMVAIM.

Lfl

Arliat (to Tommy, home on leave, acting as model for picture to be entitled "Going aver the Top "). "All I>INX\ KEX W1IAI IT IS. IT
DOESNA SEEM REALISTIC ENOUGH. HAVE WE FORGOTTEN ANYTHING?"

Tommy. "DON'T THINK SO, OUV'NOE, ON'Y THE TOT O' BUM YEB DIDN'T SERVE AHT."

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)
As a War Correspondent Mr. G. WARD PRICE has two
great merits: he gets his effects without indulging in
flowery language, and he does not congratulate himself
upon making his way into places whore he had no right to
be. His book, The Story of the Salonica Army (HODDER
AND STOUGHTON), will once and for all (let us, at any rate,
hope) stop the tongues of thoso who twaddle that our
troops in Macedonia are having a picnic. " If it were a
picnic," Mr. PIUCE says, "one can only say that people out
there keep extraordinarily quiet about the good time they
are supposed to bo having, and show praiseworthy self-
sacrilico in trying to get away from it and back to the
Western front." Ignoring the natural difficulties of the
country, the lack of railways, of decent roads and of
practically all the necessities of quick campaigning, our
arm-chair critics have spoken of the Salonica Army as if it
had nothing to do but amuse itself. Actually, in spito of
everything, Hies, Bulgars, mosquitoes, malaria, our men
have done marvellously well, and have grasped every oppor-
tunity that has come their way. When one remembers
that for a long time the Greeks wore rm uncertain quantity
and might at any moment have attacked us from behind,
one does not wonder at the care with which General SAUKAIL,
had to plan every move. As to the original undertaking
of the Salonica Expedition, Mr. PKICE states the reasons

for and against, and leaves his readers to settle the question
for themselves. But when I remember how often the
All-highest has stated that he was going to hurl the Allied
troops into the sea, I fancy they must be a considerable
stumbling-block in the way of Teutonic ambitions. And
for my own part I salute gratefully these Allied armies who
have performed a thankless task with so great efficiency
and courage and reticence, and also thank Mr. PRICK for
having given us just the book for which thoso of us who
want to know before we criticise were waiting.

Military experts will toll you that this is a "Q." war,
moaning thereby that the Quartermaster-General's depart-
ment is the ono which matters. " Intelligence," however,
is not without interest, and as to that some say one thing
and some say another, but all are agreed that it is very
mysterious and alluring. Mr. MAX PEMBEBTON makes the
most of it in his ruthlessly exciting story, Her Wedding
Niijht (JENKINS). It would require some expert Secret
Servant to tell us whether there is any truth at the back
of it or not; I should say that there is at least a little,
notwithstanding that people begin whipping out pistols on
page 3 of it. Of tho other stories in the book, "The Lady
of tho Waxen Flower," which deals with Intelligence nearer
" the field," is no less exciting, but is much less convincing.
Those who are in the field themselves, or have ever been
there, will notice one or two details in which the author
has gone wrong. The other six stories touch upon current

It)

PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[.lAM-AKY 2, 191S.

affairs in France, but have nothing to do with Intelligence.
In none of them does Mr. PEMHERTON fail to do himself
justice. It may l>e said that he never attains great artistic

heights, but he always shows himself to be an expert,
indeed an "old soldier," in his business of telling a good

But that the libel is there I must in the interests of history,
not to say ecclesiasticism, insist. It is barely possible that
a thirteenth-century Bishop of Worcester, sufficiently in

advance of his time to quote SH AKSPEAHE, would assist a
pious Crusader to break into a convent and woo the

story well. In "Annies of the Night" ho reminds the I Mother-Superior, his one-time Jinncee. But credulity
reader, delicately but clearly, of the pain which France in boggles at the discovery that a complacent Pontiff cheer-
particular has suffered since August, 1914; in " O'Flanna- fully issues a bull or a rescript or an absolution or What-
man's Submarine" he maintains a delightful vivacity, of , ever it is that Pontiffs do issue, releasing the lady from her

which I, though I count myself
never thought him capable.

amongst his admirers.

One of the most delightful volumes of its kind that have
come my way for a great while is ALICE MEYNELL'S new
book of essays, Hearts of font rarer* ;/ (BURNS AND GATES).
"Delightful" is the only word for it, full, that is, of a deep
and quiet enjoyment that repeats itself afterwards in
memory, as at the recollection of something treasured from
the lips of a friend. All Mrs. MEYNKLL'S essays have this

vows on the ground that she had embarked on the con-
ventual life under a misapprehension as to her lover's

connubial arrangements. For Mrs.

as
BARCLAY'S

constant

admirers these large demands on the imagination will
doubtless have no terrors; and I may safely prophesy a
popular acclaim for her latest exploration into the deeps
of romantic emotionalism.

The peace-loving, logical and fair-minded German author
of J' Accuse has returned in the first volume of The Crime

companionable quality of good talk ; only in talk, however (HoDDEU AND STOUGHTON) to a task which one feels he
good, one must needs be up and speaking; and here 1 am I bitterly dislikes, but yet to which he realises that he is
more than content to sit

and listen. She has a
half-dozen of themes, all
bookish DICKENS as a
man of letters, an appre-
ciation of TENNYSON, the
art of the BRONTES. Well-
worn subjects, you ob-
serve, do not alarm one
who has always some-
thing fresh and personal
to contribute to their dis-
cussion. I wish I had
space to quote: Perhaps
1 myself got most plea-
sure from the paper on
DICKENS. Here Mrs. MEY-
NELL'S detailed knowledge
of her author was such
as to put me out of
countenance. How came
I, for example, to forget
that perfect but strangely

Profiteer. " THAT 's ausT LIKE THOSE MUSICIANS.

HOUR; AND BEE HOW SLOWLY HE PLATS."

called. When Germany
recovers from her mad-
ness of Prussianism one
of the few things left her
to rejoice in will be this
that the most ruthless of
all the exposures of her
sin comes from a German
hand. The writer here
retraverses the ground of
his previous work in the
light of the production of
the German apologists,
particularly HELFFERICH

and BETHMAKN-HOLLWEO

himself ; and with a re-
morselessness that would
seem to render further
reply impossible exhibits
the innumerable paltry
omissions, corruptions,
mutual contradictions and
stark fabrications that ap-

un-Dickensian phrase about the Tite Barnacle, who " died J pear in their attempt* to bolster up a hopeless case. If there
with his drawn salary in his hand/' which is here cited as j is still anyone in this country who doubts that Germany and
an example of the master's wit ?-... It is superfluous at ! Austria did deliberately seek war and ensue it, whilst all the
this time to praise Mrs. MEYNELL'S prose. Throughout Entente countries with almost incredible forbearance strove
this little book you have it at its best, clear as fresh- for peace, it is his duty to read here and be convinced. All
running water, instinct with an ordered beauty that comes the old legends, such as the Anglo-Belgian conspiracy, the
not from an effortless facility, hut by the conquest of that ! early Russian mobilisation and the unlimited Hnglish

just perceptible friction (which she herself twice speaks
about here) as of " water to the oar, or air to the pinion,"
which is the true " movement of vitality." In short,
Hearts of Controversy is a book that, having read once, I
look forward to reading often again. "What did Mrs.
MKYNELL say ? " I shall ask, and take it from an honourable
shelf to refresh my memory. A happy prospect.

I have always wondered what the Index- Expurgatonua
is really like. Some deny its very existence, while others
assert positively that it contains the name of every modern
novelist except Father HUGH BENSON and the author
of The Cardinal's Snuff Box. If that is so, FLORENCE
BARCLAY'S latest effort, The White Ladies of Worcester
(1'cTNAM), can hardly fail to be proscribed. I hasten to
assure the many admirers of Mrs. BARCLAY'S works that
it is solely in the interests of fiction and without malice or
uneharitableness that she libels the Holy Roman Church.

assurances of support, are here annihilated boyond intelli-
gent resuscitation, while, on the other hand, a challenging
mass of coherent evidence is hurled at the Prussian apolo-
gists. This is not a book to while away a pleasant hour
or two. It is long, necessarily somewhat reiterative, and,
though most excellently translated, by no means easy to
read. But it will stand for centuries.

Tin

More Cannibalism in England.

Extract from a private letter :

" Mother seems well but very worried about servants and food,
latter is very scarce in Tadworth and though we have a possible.
widow and boy ' in prospect they are still uncertain. ''

" The world's output of oil was 46,000,000 barrels in 191(5. of which
300.000,000 were produced in the. United Stall's.'' -t'inan- ml Ma'J.

We have often wondered what was the final destination
of the widow's cruse.

JANUARY 9, 191H.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

RECULER POUR MIEUX SAUTER.

THE SPECIAL COSSTAHLK, TIIF. FIKHCE DOG AND TUB CIAS JUSK.

CHARIVARIA.

Tin: KAISKH, it is understood, has
issued a statement to the effect that,
though the earthquake which destroyed
Guatemala city was due to natural
causes, it must not bo presumed that
he had been left entirely unconsulted

in the matter. ,. : : . :

Sir ARTHUR YAPP'S mid-day speeches
have greatly reduced food consumption.
Workers everywhere have gladly gone
without their dinners in order to dis-
agree with him. :. : ...
' ,' '

Heavy catches of sprats are now
being lauded, says the Board of Agri-
culture. All that is needed is some
device for preventing them from turn-
ing into haddocks or whiting on the

way to market. ... ^

' *

There is no truth in the report that
Mr. 11. G. WELLS has been summoned

for ink-hoarding. ... *

' *

We understand that the recent vio-
lent agitation of the seismograph had
nothing to do with The Evening Xeir?,'
report that grocers in some pails were
actually asking customers if they could
do with a t'e\v pounds of sugar.
* *

We arc in a position to deny the cruel
rumour that the School of Camouflage
is about to commandeer the Albert
Memorial. ^ . ;:

The Ijoipzig .Y<v's/r Xiirhrichtfii de-

clares that Mr. LLOYD GEORGE will
soon be dangling from the gallows
"already prepared for him." It is
thought that they must have been read-
ing a back number of The Spectator.

*.*

A London dairyman has been lined
five pounds for washing milk bottles in
a horse-trough. His plea that he did
not know it was bad for the horses
was ignored. ... ^

Turkey, it appears, has sent an ur-
gent appeal to Berlin for funds. Since
General ALLENBY'S advance, they point
out, so much has been swallowed up
in running expenses.
*.*

" Wo laughed at M. Pichon's speech,"
says the Kolni.sche Zeituntj. If Ger-
many can get a laugh out of anything
in these days she is surely entitled to it.
*. *

The 1918 Overture by Count O.KR-
xix : " Come to my Brest."

*. *

A member of a London firm has told
a morning paper representative that in
one year he caught forty thousand mice.
This just shows what can be done by
dogged determination and a mousetrap,
and we leave it to the KAISER to explain
how lie hopes to defeat a nation of mcu

like that. ,. ,

' *

Farmers in the West of Ireland com
plain that they have no bad po:
with which to feed the pigs.

*
A French postman, connoted

stealing seventeen thousand pounds
from registered letters, has been re-
leased under the First Offenders Act.
The GERMAN CROWN PRINCF is re-
ported to 1)0 greatly heartened by this
clemency.

A London munition girl has won a
prize for the nearest estimate of the
Imperial revenue for the December
quarter. The statement that she sent
the total of the family's earnings by
mistake is attributed to envy.

We understand that the man who
. on January 1st entered a London post-
1 oftice and asked if it was illegal to keep

a cheese without a licence is still at

large. *

. .

The United States Government has
decided to take the finger-prints of all
German subjects. Our own system of
dealing with ' hidden hand " prints will

not be studiously followed.

" Standard boots are coming," says
The Daily Mnil. Our astute contem-
porary continues to keep its ear to the
ground. * -,

An awkward situation has been
created hot ween the Food Production
Department and the FOOD CONTROLLER
Bishops Stortford hen, who has
laid an egg containing three yolks and
weighing four ounces. The former
department, wishes to compliment her,
while the latter threatens a prosecution
for hoarding.

\ i . il IV.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[jANU.VltY 9, 1913.

BRITISH GOTHS AND GERMAN GOTHAS.

rOn the threaten.',! commandeering f the UritUh Museum f,.r the

ard ; with a ntf to the Mother of Parliaments.]
\VHKKK shall we stow oui- Ministry of Air'.'"

Thus spake our Masters, plunged in contemplation :
Wo want a building which the Town could spare

\s doing no good service to the nation;
Bo that if FriU heneath the moon's bright sphere,

Should choose it as a proper mark to shatter,
Provided that he missed Lord KOTHKUMKHK,
It wouldn't really matter.

"Though the Savoy would lit us like a glove;

Though Ritz and Carlton, Claridge's and Berkeley
Are eacli the very place in which to shove

Our personnel, both militant and clerkly;
We would not give the public needless pain

Or wantonly deject their gastric juices,
Turning to warlike ends a hallowed fane
Designed for holier uses."

And so the Expert Mind surveys the list
Of less important structures and engages,

As rubbish-space that never would be missed,
The garner of the wonders of the ages;

And in the shrine that Art had made her own

Her wealth consigned to collars, swathed in wrappers

Shall sound the cackle, over tea and scone,
Of giddy glad-eyed flappers.

Well, if they count it just a lumber-store

For stuffy relics of the dead antico ;
If all that heritage of ancient lore

Seems small beside the claims of Mumm and Clicquot;
I know a House of Curios, dull and trite,

Far more adapted to a general clearing;
Mummy of Parliaments ! I would 1 might

Have done the commandeering. O. S.

HEART-TO-HEART TALKS.

(Herr TON KOHLMAXX, disguised as a labourer. Count
CaEBNiy, disguised as a working man.)

Kuhlmann (aside). I wonder who this fellow is ? Very
thoughtless of TROTSKY to have had him shown into this
room. No matter ; I must play my part and keep up the
illusion. (Aloud) Good morning, comrade ; peace be with
you.

Czernin (aside). Who can this miserable fellow be ? They
ought to have told me ho was here. However, in for a
penny in for a pound. (Aloud) Good morning, brother ;
peace be with you, and may the Proletariat triumph !

K. That is what I always say. Yes, let its triumph be
swift and complete.

G. We are evidently well met. Your sentiments are
exactly mine. We want a democratic peace, and mean to
have it. If only KUHLMANN could be brought to see matters
as I see them !

K. You must not mistrust KUHLMANN. I know him
well, and can vouch for his sincerity; but I am "not at all
sure of CZERNIN.

C. Do not be rash in your judgment. I know CZERNIN
through and through, and am certain he is one of us to the
last drop of his blood.

K, That being so, let us shake hands upon it.

[He jumps up, and as he does so his scratch wig and
his false beard drop off. CZEBNIN stoops to pick
them up, and his wig and beard also drop off. They
look at one another in astonishment.

K. Marvellous ! Those eyes ! That nose ! That mouth !
That haughty air. To think that I should find my CZKUXIX
here !

C. I too am struck with wonder at discovering my col-
league Ki'Hi.MANN beneath the beard of a labourer. 1 was
entirely deceived. But we must sec to it that these things
do not diop off again.

A'. I agree. We must be more careful.

C. If TUOTSKY saw us now ho would think we had given
the show away, for he is already a little suspicious. But if
we can onlv keep up the pretence that we are sound social
democrats we shall get everything we like out of him.

A'. All we have got to do is to lure him on with vague
talk, and before he knows where he is ho will find that wo
have got the whole of Russia in our pockets.

C. Tell me have you been able to induce your All-
Highest to consent to inarch through Petrograd in the
disguise of a peasant? That would indeed be a great
stroke. My august one is quite ready, but he refuses to go
unless yours accompanies him.

K. I own I have had some difficulty there. My Imperial
fellow could not get his mind away from the plan of
parading through' Petrograd in shining armour on a milk-
white steed. You know what he is when lie once gets a
notion into his head ; but I hope I have made him see
reason. At any rate his dress is quite ready. When he
puts it on he will look the born image of TOLSTOI.

C. Capital ! Keep on hammering at him until he
consents.

A. At present he is very busy composing sermons which
he means to deliver in the cathedral of St. Isaac. lie says
he has converted the Russian God into a firm ally of the
German Empire.

C. Ah, well, I suppose he must be humoured. But tell
me do you really think that these proceedings of ours will
bring us nearer to peace ?

K. Of course they will not. France and England are
still to bo overcome, and we all forget America. When I
mention that my Emperor laughs ; but it is no laughing
matter.-

C. How like your Emperor that is. Ho drove us all into
the War, and now he cannot or will not get us out of it.
But peace we must have in one way or another or we shall
all be irretrievably ruined.

AT. That is what I always toll him, but it has little effect
upon him. And now let us go and meet TROTSKY.

[They resume their u-igs and beards, look at them-
selves in the glass and leave the room.

" A party of ton Germans, who were captured in au armed lunch at
one of the outlying Fiji islands." Eveniny Paper.
The poor follows were evidently reduced to their iron rations.

On the question of commandeering the British Museum
The Daily Neu-s writes :

"With the exorciso of proper caro it will take months to remove the
exhibits from volunteer guides."

We have evidently been much mistaken in these seemingly
harmless people.

" The gravity of this problem is focussed in the effect upon prices of
paper counters used as real money. If one thousand counters of paper
are equal to one piece of gold, whilst the thousand and one particles
are as money given the same verbal denomination of value, the price
of an ordinarily 1 article becomes 1,000, except in so far as modified
by quantity, quality and quick turnover, in relation to the said article,
as well as by computed exchanges and the frequency of turnover of
the credits employed by those who either directly or through re-
presentatives make the exchange computation." Daily Paper.

Now we know why eggs are sixpence each in the winter.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CII MUYARI. JAM-AKV !,

J'lii-1

THE LATEST AIR-RAID.

SCUNU Luxurious Restaurant of Capacious and Eligible Hotel.

FIBST iNuisi-K-NriADLE. "I SEE THERE'S BEEN SOME TALK OF COMMANDEERING THE
BRITISH MUSEUM FOB THE AIE BOARD."

SECOND DITTO. "WELL, WHAT ABOUT IT? THEY MIGHT HAVE TAKEN A PLACE THAT
REALLY MATTERS LIKE THIS."

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANUARY 9, 1918.

A CHILD OF (MATURE.

:.>st triumph. Ho would take dp I memories shining from his eyes, was,

position near some youthful

in the intervals of transferring coppers

SH-M:VIS of character ilecliirc that ; threateu him with instant extinction ; from his hands to his pockets, invoking

our brave youths \\ill never velum to
their pre-war civilian occupations.

Take Jacob. Jacob's past life was
at lir-t shrouded in mystery ; but later.
in confidential mood-;, ho would souie-

if he failed to give him his cue, and, | C Company in his best book-making
with ono hand thrust deep into his ; style to roll up and have their money
tunic pocket, stand dismally awaiting a ' ready. As this had been in full swing

certain fiasco. Often, when the squad
marched briskly oil in response to a

times partially lift the veil and disclose a I command, Jacob would be left behind

deep in thought. Subsequently ho
would endeavour to explain in hoarse
super-cockney accents that ho was

really important features of his career ! stone-deaf in the right ear, and " vcri-

pictmvsque panorama, from which iane-
course, police, magistrate and prison
would stand out in bold relief. The

remained 'hidden.

for three weeks it was felt to be advis-
able to remove Jacob to the splendid
isolation of the Rifle Range.

Hero, except for a tendency, when
signalling the score, to take into con-
sideration the financial opportunities
of a marker, Jacob improved wonder-

avderveuring " in tho left. Should the | fully, and was' in due course granted

code of honour. Loosely built, un-
kempt, he was wont to shamble through

his tions

I rc.'

Jacob's sti'.-cess was mainly duo to R.S.M. couio to the a.-iistance of the | six days' leave. On the third morning,
liis physical presence and to his unique bewildered subaltern, Jacob \\ould in- of his vacation Jacob paid a purely

clino his left c;-,r close to the dignitary's j friendly and unofficial visit to the O.G.

mouth, at the same time vigorously Depot, lamented the insidious tempta-
tlie transport-lines with a hang-dog i indicating the other ear with
expression on his heavy sunken face thumb,
and with guilt \\ . :
large upon him.
Military policemen
would arrest him in-
stinctively and for- !
mulate a charge later
at random. Though
theoretically unfair,
results usually justi-
fied the proceeding.
The odds were al-
ways heavily against |
him. Jacob fully
realised this, and
would make a clean
breast of whatever i
was required. He j
knew that no seri- '
ous curtailment of
liberty would result.
As to honesty, |
Jacob clung bravely :
to tho moral rule
never to steal from Mv '" A1! -

, . SUCH A LOT OF PAPER."

a friend without due '

WISH YOU'D CLT DOWN YOUK MIU.lXKItY BILLS. TllEV LSI: I' I

warning. Any occasional lapse was en-
tirely due to his sporting instinct. It
tickled him vastly to stand refreshment
to an unsuspecting acquaintance with
tho proceeds from that gentleman's
purse ; but he invariably returned the
purse on leaving the canteen. He was

So Jacob was removed to another
sphere more intellectual in character.
He became a Sanitary Expert ; and ho
remained in this exclusive section until
it leaked out that he paid a weekly
sum to his fellow-artists in lieu of
active co-operation in their work. The

and camouflaged pitfalls of a
city, borrowed seven shillings
with extreme deli-
cacy, and took the
next train back to
camp.

When the R.S.M.
inspected the men's
quarters at 3.15 P.M.
he found Jacob a-
slecp in bed and in-
dignantly rolled him
out. Jacob breathed
a sigh of martyrdom,
waved a long arm
in the R.^.M.'s face,
and grunted that ho
was not really there
at all but away on
leave.

A f t e r a bout a
year's service Jacob
developed ennui.
Racing had become
a national duty. His
deafness had become
acute. He. felt that
So he relinquished

he had done bis bit.

not so generous to strangers from other question then arose whether it would

camps. He regarded those as his law-
ful prey. He would inveigle them to
a neighbouring copse, introduce his

be advisable to permit Jacob to con-
tinue to practise his own idea of
efficiency or to introduce the. military

"crown and anchor " plant and wring > conception of labour to his notice.

them dry. Nine times out of ten be could
manage this by some cunning artifice.
On the tenth time, if the prospect were
unfavourable, he would calmly collect
all tho stakes, pocket his little black
japanned box and stroll away with in-
jured dignity, leaving his dupes fiw.cn chanced to wander round the lines on

C Company's bath night. He found

Tlie Colonel finally compromised by

placing him in charge of tho Camp

Baths, and for three complete weeks

Jacob worked carefully and unobtru- \ old times' sake."

sivoly. In fact all would have been

quiet and peaceful bad not the .

When Jacob voluniarily arrived

a long queue of men lined up outside

soon after the partial cessation of horse- , the door of the bath-chamber in per-

achig fce v.as put to drill with the feet order, each man paying twopence

Drilling was perhaps 1, is : to the janitor. Jacob, with splendid

Preparing for Reprisals ?

' \\.-i iitecl . Devil Teaming Machine, OOOr.p.m. :
-late |>riri'. particular".' 1

.Muni h( -v/i c (liKinlian.

J.AiiY v.Mits to hiiv Miiall I'iani. (no
lil(lrrll)."- 7-W/,v.s,'i,jl ( ! 11,

bis uniform.

I met Jacob a few days ago in London.
He looked very down on his luck. In
the intervals of wiring flowers together,
however, he grinned cheerfully at mo
and shook hands with warmth. I
thought that his opon-air training had
unsettled him and brought him down
to this level. A corner of the Police
Gazelle- poeped from his pocket. I gave
him five shillings for a straggling
button-bole of Michaelmas daisies.
Jacob's face- lit up. " Back Royal
Ruby both ways," be whispered, " for

splendid Not even a Baby Grand.

JAXI.-AKY 9, 1918.]

PUNCH, OR Tin-: LONDON CHARIVARI.

/'. 'n <it<' aimjiinia (to Hern .-hii /in* </. nuni'tfil an ctcori of equal funk i. THAT 'a WOT \vi:'VK "AI.TKII FOIL

OVER sriiciAi/. I SEED 'IM MYSELF THIS MOHXIS' AX' ARRANGED IT."

DUCCY 'An;'.-.

THE DESERTERS.

WHKRK arc the maids that used to lay my table

A iid cook my meals and (.sometimes) scrub the floor?
Florrie and Maud and Emily and Mabel,
All, all are gone to prosecute the War ;
In reeking vaults and mountain dells
They tend their sheep and fill their shells,
While my wife answers all the bells
And no one shines my Sam Browne any more.

Where is Elix.abcUi, whose eyes wero argent?

How like a homo her hospital must bo,
Winnie 's a " Waac," and bound to be a Sergeant,
Judging from how she dominated mo
(Only I hope she never stoops
To talk like that to lady troops) ;
And Maud, who dropped so many soups
What does she do with bombs and T.N.T. '.'

Our car stands starving in the dusty garago,
But Mabel drives a whacking Limousine ;
And when they sprinkle us with bits of bariM
Wo know that much of it was made by Jean :
Our income slowly disappears.
While they get more than Brigadiers
No wonder now the agent sneers,
" You can't get girls to come to Turnhaui Green."

Do they look back and hope that wo are happy,
With no one left to fuss about our food ;

And when some foreman is extremely snappy
Recall with tears my courtlier attitude?

Rather, I ween, with mirthful hoots
They think of Master cleaning boots,
And thank their stars, the little brutes,
They bear no more the yoke of housemaid-hood.

And what will happen when the Bosch goes under,

And all these women fling their swords away?
Will the dear maids come back to us, I wonder'.'
Shall I be able to afford their pay '.'
And will they want Muuition rates ?
All, who can read the ruthless fates'.'
Meanwhile wo wash the dirty plates
And do our whack as willingly as they.

A. P. If.

More Secret Diplomacy.

'The ariui.ilicu shall begin at twelve noon on Deorinlwi- 17, 1197. ;
aud shall last until twelve noon January 14, 1U1H/'

liirmiitgham Daily Post.

Much would have been saved if this had Ixjen published by
RICH Mil) Cu.ru-Di:-LiON.

From an article by Miss CORELU :

"Like n glorious ship that h;i3 lain too lontf in dry dock, it miut !*
rlriinsed of weed and )>arimcl<- and lami<-ln-d unhindered into the
o|x<ii sea." .Yds/i's Magazine.

That dry dock must want a bit of overhauling too.

IVrl ' r will In 1 a littlo di-appoiulnl on

aud hiMrinf: Kalcdin. (.'urtainly . lir-t sivinn linn

would I'O at ;ill like 1 Voila, a Napuk-on.' " Krening Paper.

Perhaps not; but with so may half-baked linguists about
we can't be sure of anything.

PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHAEIVAEI.

[JANUARY 9, 1918.

UNOFFICIAL LETTERS.

I HAVE been privileged to see an ex-
amina;:M paper, set for the subalterns
of a certain Battalion, on " Military
Corn ce." The first three ques-

tions do not intrigue mo greatly, but
mis 1 and "> arc a different mat-
ter. Jli'iv. 1 feel that I can bo of hftlp
to my fellow-subalterns. Forthesetwo
->ns deal with a point of etiquette
whose importance at thia critical time
cannot be over-estimated.

" (,;, '. - -Write an unofficial

letter a^kim: your Colonel to dinner.

<Ju-' i. Ditto to your Briga-

dier."

Nov, it i- obvious that if cither of
ions is to be answered satis-
factorily iL will not be enough just to
give onu sample letter. The manner
of your invitation will depend on iriany
tilings, as, i:>r instance, (1) your position
in the Regiment; (2) why you want
the Colonel to come to dinner with you ;
(3) what vou 'vo got for dinner and
so on. Another point to bo considered
is whether you propose to have the
Colonel and the General to dinner on
the same night. To some extent this
simplifies matters. One. write-; at
least this is how I always used to do
it one writes to the General, mention-
ing that the Colonel is coming too and
apologising for him as rather a, bore,
and one writes to the Colonel, mention-
ing that the General is coining too and
apologising for him as still more of
a bore, and one puts the letters into
tlio wrong envelopes and forgets to
stamp either. Unfortunately one can
only do this once. It is not enough
therefore for the real lover of etiquette,
who must be master of every occasion
as it arises. Let us then postpone our
meeting with the Brigadier and con-
sider how best to deal with the Colonel
of our Battalion.

I have said that the first point to
consider is your position in the Regi-
ment; obviously the newly-gazetted
cadet of eighteen will not be in the
same position as the elderly gentleman
who has kept his one star through
years of strife, and can still remember
the day when he took tho Colonel on
his knee ;>n 1 bade him listen to the
tick-tick. At the same time it is only
fair to suppose that the latter class of
subaltern, whether at school or Varsity,
a-; Editor or Member of Parliament,
has learnt to write some sort of a letter
adequate to convey even the intricate
idea that he wishwi tho company of
bar gentleman to dinner with him.
It is therefore lo the younger subaltern
not so well versed in the affairs of the
world that I propose to offer my advice.

letters to Colonels, then, may be

divided into the following classes:
(1) Tho Earnest; (2) The Formal;
(3) The Friendly. According to why
you want the Colonel to come to dinner,
to some extent according to what you
have to offer him, you will base your
decision as to which of these styles you
will use.

I. THE EARNEST.

DI:AR COLONEL, As one who is in-
; erected in the welfare of the Regiment
I have long felt that there are certain
matters which I should like to talk
over with you in a more friendly man-
ner than is possible between us on
the parade ground. After nearly two
months' residence with you the im-
pressions which I have formed of the
general tone and bearing of the Bat-
talion must be of a certain value. 1
do not wish to suggest for a moment
that my knowledge of army matters is
to bo compared with your own ; rat her
do I wish to suggest that this very
familiarity of yours with military life
must blind you to a good deal which is
most striking to tho newcomer. My
impressions, then, are at your service,
and I for my part shall bo willing to
listen to, and consider carefully, your
comments upon them. It seems to mo
that this interchange of thought can
best take place (as they say) " across
the walnuts and the wine." 1 have, as
it so happens, just laid in a pound of wal-
nuts, while my aunt last week sent me
a bottle of ginger \vino as yet unopened.
Will you therefore give mo the pleasure
of your company at dinner on Thursday
next at seven o'clock ? In case you
may wish to prepare yourself with a
few notes, I may say that the following
are among the subjects which I hope
to raise :

(1) The uses of an Adjutant.

(2) Tho language of company com-
manders.

(3) Ragging in the Mess.

(4) Tact in our senior officers.
Looking forward to tho pleasure of

your company,

I am, Yours cordially.
P.S. A verbal answer on the parade
will sullice.

II.- THE FORMAL.
O.C. Nth Blankshircs.

Paras 1-5 Domestic Orders by Mrs.
Mnffct, commanding No. 9, Terrapin
Terrace, Shrimpton-on-Sca, dated 2/1/18
aaa Begins aaa Consomm6 Turtle Tab-
lets two, Soles Dover four, Turkey small
one, Omelette jam large one, Bellinger
bottle one aaa ends aaa.

For your information and necessary
action. H. BROWN-SMITH, 2/Lt.

III. THE FAMILIAR.
PEAII OLD COL., Are you for Night

Ops on Thursday ? I don't think I
shall go, it's so beastly cold. Come
and have a bit of dinner instead at
" Tho Sailors' Arms ; " there 's some-
thing rather special in the way of
petticoats behind the bar, which
however mum 's tho word. Nous ver-
rons cc quo nous verrons, as our gallant
Allies say. Henry is coming too if ho
can, but ho is orderly corporal this
week and may find it difficult to slip
away. This is quite betsveen ourselves,
of course. Ho is a cheery soul; I
fancy you met him in the orderly-room
lust week, but he was not at his best
then.

Well, cheerio till Thursday.

Yours ever, BERTIE.

With these letters before him the
young subaltern should have no diffi-
culty in asking his Colonel to dinner ;
with his General, however, he must
strike a different note. In this case
the only wear is humility.

Brigadier- General Jones.

HONOURED SIR, I trust you will
pardon my temerity in addressing you,
but I am hoping that you will be
gracious enough to grant mo an un-
usual favour. A few relations and
very old friends of mine Sir JOHN
JELLICOE, Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, Sir
WILLIAM ROBERTSON, Mr. THOMAS
HARDY, and President WILSON are
dining with me on Saturday. They are
all most anxious to have tho honour
of meeting you, and, if you would con-
descend to como, my uncle (Mr. LLOYD
GEORGE) will drive his car round to
call for you at about eight o'clock.
I am, Sir,

Your obedient Servant.

It is to bo hoped now that tho sub-
altern will be able, not only to get full
marks in his examination paper, but
also to meet with assurance the niany
problems of etiquette which confront
the young soldier. Should he, how-
over, still be appalled by the difficulties
which lie in the way of a gentleman
who wants to ask another gentleman
to dinner, my advice to him is simple.
Don't ask him. A. A. M.

Fashions on the Land.

" Wanted, old white shirts for scarecrows ;
4d. each and pay postage." The Hasaar.

"The King has awarded the Albert Medal
to Dorecn Ashburnham, aged 11, and Anthony
Farrer, aged 8, residing at Coivinclian, Lake
Vancouver, in recognition of the great bravery
displayed by the children when attacked bv a
conger, measuring 7ft." Soutliport Visitor.

According to other papers the creature
was a cougar, but in matters of spelling
The Southport Visitcr witness its own
title was always original.

JVM MM !>, 191S.J

1'UXCII, Oil TIIK LONDON CIIAIM VAKL

- Wll.VI \S TJ1A

Shll, UKAK THAT '8 A STAFF OFFICER.'

'I W.A3T II. '

QUEUE-MANIA.

Tun suspicion that all was not well
with Old Dobson came lirst to mo on
tin; day whoii J met him hurrying
home with a small packet of sugar.

Waited in a queue forty-five tuin-
ute.s for this," ho said.

"Did you? Sickening,'' said I.

" Oh, I don't know about that. It "s
not unamusing. There's a certain
citnuii-wli'ric about a queue. I rather
like it."

1 looked at him suspiciously, but he
appeared to be quite serious, and in-
deed my experience of him was that
ho had never intentionally made a
joke.

About a \\tvk later I was greatly sur-
prised to see Dobson, of all people, in the
queue outside the pit of our local music-
hall. The doors were just opened, but
\\hen he arrived at the barrier ho
\\rigglod out of the crush and made
nil clown the street.

"Hullo," I said, overtaking him.
' why didn't you go into the Empire?

" I haven't been into a music-hall
for twenty years," said Dobson.

"Then why ?"

Ho looked round to sco that we
not overheard and then took my arm
confidentially.

" The fact is, I simply can!t resist a
queue," he said.

Three days ago I looked out of my
window and to my surprise saw
Dobson's head appearing above the
fence which protects my villa residence
from the road, lie was standing on
the pathway, and as I watched I saw
that every minute or so he moved
along a pace or two.

I went out in the garden and looked
o\i'i the fence.

" Oh, that you ? " said he. " Thought
I 'd come round for a chat and a smoke.
But I must take my turn, of course,
like every one else. Oh, I beg your
pardon," he put in suddenly, as he took
oil' his hat to an imaginary lady in
front of him; "I fear 1 have broaden
on your heel. Yes, very seasonable
weather, isn't it ? I hope you were not
inconvenienced by the air-raid last
night? "

While he prattled on thus I went
out at the gate and along the path to
him.

" Dobby, ' I said, " as you are an old
friend 1 have nmdo arrangements for
you to come in at once in front of all
these people."

" I couldn't hear of it," said Dobson
stoutly. " It wouldn't be cricket. No,
1 '11 take my turn."

It was twenty minutes before I wel-
comed him at the door.

" I shan't keep him long," he called
over his shoulder as he entered the
house.

Ho was perfectly normal on all other
subjects, but I could not persuade him
to stay more than a quarter of an hour.

" I must make room for the next
man," ho said. " It would never do for

me of all people You know ] 'm

writing a book on Queue Etiquette.
I shall call it Tips for Queues, I think.
Good-bye."

That was a week ago. Yesterday I
saw him standing patiently on tho
pavement of the main road. It is im-
possible to say for certain what was
his objective. Tho Geological and
Archaeological Museum was only a
short distance away, but surely even
Dobson would never

Well, well, it's a wad little story.

Her Saving Grace.
Little girl, inadvertently supporting
Lord KHONDIIA: " Scantify, O Lord, this
food to our

\Vantfd, M:m, Military I'nfit. 10 drive
horse and help hide v

'.T.

Would suit one of our camouflage artiste.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JAM- AIS Y 9, 191^.

He. "WHAT'S THIS? ANOTHER NEW DINNEB DBESS! AND WHEN WE ABE TOLD TO ECONOMISE '.'

She. "HOW SILLY YOU ABE, GEORGE ! THIS ISN'T A DINNEB DBESS. THIS IS A 'BEST BOBE FOR WEABY WAIi-WOltKERS. 1

rr. w. B.

I OWE a grudge to "Enid," the
doddering old man who writes the Food
Economy Notes in my evening paper.
I had just read how to use up the odd
fragments of pheasant which bother
economical people so much in these
trying times, and then I came to a
paragraph headed, "A Useful Winter
Hint." It said that the proper way
to treat a hot-water bottle was not just
to throw it into the bed, but to make
a kind of tent above it of the clothes.
Then the air gets warm and the bed
is equally wanned all through, instead
of having a Sierra Leone patch with
huge areas of Nova Zembla on each
side of it. I could see that " Enid "
was just filling up his column, but the
idea struck me as a useful one.

Now I am an authority on hot-water
bottles. I am responsible for the great
idea of the Mottle or motor hot-water
bottle which will run round the bed
and warm it all equally. Years ago
in these columns I placed this magniti-
cent idea at the disposal of British
manufacturers. Alas for their lack of
enterprise !

I am, as I say, a confirmed hot-water
bottler, and if anyone alleges in Eliza-
bethan language that I am a " luxur "
I reply that the bravest man I know
always has three hot-water bottles in
his bed when he comes home on leave,
and would have six only he does not
wish to be considered greedy. Why,
the most cheering thing about the War
to me is the fact that all the rubber
hot-water bottles in Berlin have been
commandeered. It shows the German
higher authorities must be getting cold
feet.

Naturally it was my first impulse to
test this novel idea. I rang the bell
immediately after dinner. "Jane," I
said, " fill the largest hot-water bottle
we have with boiling water and bring
it to me."

" Yes, Sir," said Jane, without turn-
ing a hair.

When the bottle was brought I took
it up to my bedroom and with the aid
of a fishing-rod joint made a kind of
marquee of the bed-clothes. Then, con-
fident that the bed would be warmed
equally all through, I went downstairs
and fonjot all about it-

At about half-past eleven I heard a

shriek upstairs and a cry of "George,
burglars ! " from my wife. I put on my
special's helmet to overawe the in-
truders, grabbed my truncheon to lay
them out and rushed upstairs.

"In our bedroom," gasped my wife,
" and I 've sprained my ankle on the
stairs."

I burst in, and there in the dim
light I saw a strange white figure on
the bed.

" Hit the burglar first and argue with
him afterwards " has been my motto
ever since I joined the specials.

Crash came my truncheon. The
fishing-rod broke into smithereens and
one fragment perforated the hot- water
bottle.

Then I had to explain matters to
my wife, .who, disregarding my refer-
ence to " Enid," said that it was the
kind of mad thing that only a man
would do.

It is " Enid" who, to use the classic
sentence of Serjeant Busfuz, has been
the ruthless destroyer of my domestic
oasis. I am malignant enough to wish
him on the coldest night of the year
that worst of human evils a leaky hot-
water bot tie.

PUNCH, oil Tin: L'JXDON OH ABI VARL JABTUBT 9, 1918.

THE CONFIDENCE TRICK.

CKKMAN l'i:ui: J >I:I.K(,ATE (to Russian "Idealist"). "NOW, JUST TO PROVE YOUR BELIEF IN
MY HONESTY, SUPPOSE YOU LET ME HOLD THE KEYS OF YOUR STORE -CUPBOARD.
NO ANNEXATIONS, OF COURSE."

PUNCH, OR THE L( ) N DO X (.'ILVRIVARI.

~T~r-~.

9, 1918.

Officer (to sentry, who claims to have killed a German, who iras attempting to twim tlu canal). ".BUT How DO YOU M5OW YOU KILLED
Sentry. "WELL, Sin, AS SOON AS 'E BEES ME 'E DIVES. I THROWS A BOMB AT 'IM, AND THEJ^IjasES on. i ma TO THE SURFACE."

BEADING BETWEEN THE LINES.
DEAR MB. PUNCH, I write in some
haste in order to provide your readers
with a helpful little note about the
Brest - Litovsk Peace Negotiations.
There are many points about this dip-
lomatic debate that the Entente Allies
find it difficult to understand. And one
is this. The Gorman delegates pro-
pose that the future government of the
occupied provinces of Russia should be
determined while German troops are
still in possession by " a plebiscite
on broad lines" (an/ breite Linicn).
It is clear enough, of course, that the
breadth of the lines will bo assured by
the presence of enemy troops and the
absence of half the natives ; still the
phrase has puss/led many readers. May
we not cull a few parallels from recent
history '!

Any close student of the German
Press must have observed, for instance,
that it was on broad lines (bci u-fite
licihen, in the vernacular) that the
enemy lamented the sinking of the
Lutitcmia. It was also on broad Jines
(zu freie Xcilen,\\\ the original) that he
kept the treaty regarding Belgian neu-
trality. One may go further and say
that it was on the very broadest lines
v;/, s /,' Kii'/rhf. in his own language)
n the Buttle of Jntlnnd.

Putting these instances together you
will conclude that these interesting ex-
pressions (which are in hourly use in
the streets of Berlin) may be freely
rendered by the British phrase, " I don't
think." I am, yours helpfully,

STATISTICIAN.

The New Language.

" A now order fiactted last night, gives the
power to tho Minister of Munitions to direct
that lights of any specified class or description
shall be extinguished or their use restricted."

Daily L'apcr.

" Fiaetted " is the very word to describe
the issue of these fiats.

" German commercial travellers arc offering
subscriptions to German papers, and Germany
promises shortly to open direct postal and
telegraphic communication with Germany."
Daily Tdeijraph.

Germany apparently intends to remain
on speaking terms with Germany, even
if nobody else dees.

"The Imperial Government Iia-. pun -lniM :!
in Australia '26,000 tons of next season's rab-
bits, approximately 19,000,000 carcases, at the
prices previously paid.

"The Imperial Government has purchased
in Australia 20,000 tons of next season's ralv
bits, approximately 19,000.000 carcases, at the
pri<-i", previously paid." 7Mi?/y 1'n^i'i-.

The bunnies in tho second consignment
will probably be of inferior quality. .

THE UKRAINE.

MY knowledge of it, in the main,
Was drawn from BYRON'S thrilling

strain,

And pictures of that hapless swain
Itazi'ppii, much against the grain,
Without control of hit or rein,
Cavorting madly o'er the plain.
But lately I 've contrived to gain
Some information less inane
About the district and the vain
Efforts of anarchs to constrain
The dwellers in the broad Ukraine.
They 've not thrown up a TAMERLANK,
Nor yet a writer like MARK TWAIN ;
But then they do not read HALL CAINE ;
They're simple folk, and much more

sane,

With fewer maggots in their brain
Than those in Petrograd who reign ;
They're not pro-Germans, like Sinn

Fein-
So for the moment I am fain
Not to despair of the Ukraine.

"Bermondsey now provides shelter for
97,000 people dining air raids. In 18 posi-
tions in the borough are electric signals show-
ing a red light for a warning and a green one
fur 'All clear.' These will be switched on
simultaneously from the town hall."

Daily Pci/icr.

Then how is Bermondsey to tell
which switch is which'.'

JANUABT 9, 1918.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAIMV AIM.

ANOTHER FAIRY.

THE pages of Ptniclt give, every now
and then, delightful proof that fairies arc
to bo seen by those \vlio have the eyes
and perhaps a suflieicnt longing ; but
I have not hitherto been too much
blessed with (lie (rue vision. Fairies
in my drab life have been as rare us
they are apparently normal and num-
erous in the daily round of " E. F." (to
whom my combined envy and lion
but I too scorn at hut to have entered
Arcady. In other words 1 too have
seen a fairy, lint with a difference.

When " 1.1. V." sees a fairy, whether
it is shopping, or playing at the 1..
of the garden, or frolicking on a foun-
tain's jet, or bestriding a moonbeam, it
looks like a .fairy that is, a tiny iri-
descent crystal drop of sublimated
humanity. IJut my fairy looked so
unlike anything that is associated with
the word that I am beginning really to
think of myself as being something
rather special in discernment to have
recognised him at all. " K. ]?.," at any
rate, has to do no detective work : her
visitants are unmistakably of another
world; whereas mine resembled nothing
so much as a taxi-driver and who,
especially of late, would look for a fairy
on the box of a taxi-cab?

Ho was short and thick-set, with a
reddish face, a moustache and rather a
shaggy head. Other men have looked
like that, but an invincible cheeriness
and alacrity marked this one out as a
being apart. A very small quantity of
either of these commodities has, alas!
recently been sullicient to distinguish
noticeably any member of his calling ;
but ho had enough to make him un-
usual in other walks of life too, even
shall I say? as an assistant in that
establishment where " Callisthones "
enjoys such remarkable luck. lie had
indeed so much that I can account for*
him only by the supernatural theory.

For this is what lie did. lie drove care-
fully, he never resented any encroach-
ment made by another vehicle on his
lino or liberty and you know that dark
malevolent glance which drivers can
give each other, capable of a thousand
nuances of offence or contempt; and
sometimes they don't even give a glance
at all, but merely the slightest inclina-
tion of the censorious face towards the
guilty, or the faintest turning of the
head? Well, lie never did that.

Nor did lie extract nerve-shattering
explosions from his hooter. Nor did
his back look forbidding, or at any
rate antipathetic, as so many taxi-
drivers' backs can do and perhaps like
to do. And lie offered to help with the
luggage (did you observe that I said
" offered " ?) ; and he made no gestures

Sits Conductor. "WHERE TO, MADAM?"

Passenger (who has recently given up Tier ear). "THE STOTIKS -Qi'it KT.Y
Tuiix MADAME Fnas KTTE ; AXO I SIUST BE AT TIIK CI.VB 4.30 BHAIU-/'

ro-siDLE.

either of despair or impatience when
he was stopped capriciously at one or
two shops not in the original pro-
gramme; and well, to sum it all up,
he so generally diffused radiance that
when we parted at Victoria I felt that
I had lost more than a friend, an in-
fluence for happiness.

The result was that all unknown to
him I took out my pocket-book as he
drove away and made a note o his
number, in order that honour might be
given where honour is duo ; and this

fairy who for my benefit, and as a re-
ward from the Little People for I know
not what merit of my own, had taken
human shape for that occasion only
and for mo only.

That may be the case. But the off-
chanco should always be respected, and
therefore don't lose the number : ] I Yf 7:.'.

is it: H 5772. So that if you see that dumb. The mm had .- >u[>. "/>,,Hy X

Disxi:;: AT Tin: L'l:

;i yr.imuphono with a large
horn Mowing its lini-s ...ut. and six for!
from it the loudest bray it could prodii
lost, and the machine mifilit Irivo been dead

number you are assured of a pleasant Proximity to the Jiosch has, we
experience unless, of course, as I 'had a deteriorating effect upon our
cannot help feeling, lie really w : i> a Uble-mann.

LTXCH, Oil THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANUARY 9, 1918.

A DESERVING CASE.

" COULD you spare a trifle? '' said the
. -looking individual with a money-
box slung bandolier-fashion across his
shoulder. " 1 assure you that you would
nover regret it, and every little helps,
you know."

" You are hiking a good bit on your-
self by giving that assurance," J replied,
noting that the person who had spoken
was soliciting contributions for what
he was pleased to call the General
I ' pkcep of Public Personalities. I read
all that on the card he was wearing.
This, I take it, " I said, " has nothing
to do with the War? "

" No," ho said sadly, " nothing to do
with the War."

countenance this further call on the gen-
erosity of the hard-working multitude."
My new acquaintance took me con-
fidentially by the sleeve. Ho seemed
very earnest, and as I listened to his
words 1 was hound to realise there was
something in tho cause he advanced.

know how draughty it may be when the
conductor is too busy to close the doors I
a miserable individual who was fated
to have his ablutions made a public
peepshow, a thing indefensible in itself.
" I could cite many instances of this
shocking neglect of the most ordinary

Tears were shining in his eyes as he precautions. A very celebrated revue

explained his motive.

"I appeal for those who are in no
sort of position to assist themselves,''
he said gently. " This is not a matter
which can be permitted to slide owing
to the KAISER and HINOENBUBG. I am
pleading for the poor ill-clad folk on
the hoardings. Unless something is
done they will be passing the bitter
inclement months just as they are. It
fairly makes me shiver even to think of

"I thought as much," I said, "and it. I am collecting for the poster people.
I am surprised and not a
little pained. There are
far too many of tlu^e BO-
callcd societies. Can't the
Public Personalities look
after themselves '? Most
of them have fat salaries."

" Please don't be angry,"
protested the other. " If
you would only listen a
moment. There is the poor
lady at the telephone. She
is iu for a bout of double
or possibly treble pneu-
monia, and

"Don't you believe it,"
1 said. "Those Exchange
ladies can look after them-
selves, and it is their own
fault if they insist on wear-
ing peekaboo blouses in
cold weather."

The owner of the col-
lecting-box sighed wearily.

" You are raising your voice," he

OUtst Inhabitant (viewing aeroplanes). "Lo.su ME, IF I SEE AS MONY
WONDEBS IN THE NEXT FIFTY YEABS AS I 'VE BEEN IN TI1K LAST HUNDRED
I DINNA KEN WHAT THE WOULD WILL BE LIKi:. '

Wo all know them,
them day and night-

We travel with | side folk,"
-poor little babies j to them

actress may be seen any day standing at
a corner exposed to all kinds of weather.
She is wearing only a thin mantilla.
This may be pardonable in the tropics ;
here it is disgraceful. And perhaps the
saddest case on our list is that of the lady
who is expecting a telephone message.
Is she to remain crouching by that
cheap white rocker, elad merely in a
more than hastily donned pink dress-
ing gown, right through the bleak and
bitter winter, on through the chilly
and treacherous spring ?
Is nothing to be done for
her? She has apparently
sprung from her couch to
answer the 'phone ; but
you know how congested
tho wires get these days.
A nice girl undoubtedly ;
and there is faith and
hope in the Exchange in
her shining eyes, but she
little knows what it means.
Beauty in distress must
always appeal to us."

" All this is very griev-
ous," I said, discarding the
shilling idea and drawing
out a red Treasury Note.
"I certainly had misjudged
your mission."

" Thank you, Sir," said
I the other.

" But the river and sea-
1 asked "you will attend
as well, I hope take them

murmured. "Whisper, and I shall out in the open, "\vitho"ut so much as a j blankets and hot bottles? I remember
hear." stitch, and the others, serious-minded j now I saw last winter, when snow was
I suppose I can raise my voice if it adults who are absolutely blameless, falling, a pretty girl in a punt and a low-
pleases me so to do ? " 1 put in severely, for they never sought this painful pub- ""-> 1 1 ~* - 1 ; -- i '-~ - - 1 -- -*

"Everything is being raised, and there 1; "''" ""
is no reason why voices should he left
out. v

1 moved away.

" But do at least just hear how the
matter stands," cried the melancholy-
looking supplicant. " This is some-
thing which brooks no delay. Already
the battalions of winter are upon us.
Coal is going up. You will never regret
a kind action."

" I ani not so sure/' I said. " You
arc not selling flags. And as for these
possibly well meaning civilians, on
win. so behalf you are seeking the larg-
esse of a pillaged public, surely it is
unnecessary. Statesmen and music-
hall artistes can buy their own bromide
and fur coats. I do not believe for a
second that Mr. LT,OYD GKOBHE would

licit y.

I was rather impressed and began
to disentangle a shilling from a riotous
crowd of coppers in my pocket.

" It 's like this," my informant went
on : " a few friends met together and
decided that it was a shame to let these
unfortunate people suffer any more. Ifr
may be all very well in summer-time,
but you know what the British climate
is. Take for instance the pitiable case
of that poor baby fumbling for a frag-
ment of soap. Its bathroom is open to
all the winds that blow. Think of the
poor girl who is kept standing at a
bathroom door waiting waiting like

Mariana; but J/j

was clothed,

and in her case it was not merely soap
she expected. There used to be a gen-
tleman on the Underground and you

necked costume, and in the icy days of
last March I recall noting a party of
laughing young women about to bathe
at a marine resort."

" They shall all have our best atten-
tion," said my friend, " even if we have
to recall the expert billstickers from the
Front. Good day, Sir, and thank you
kindly."

More Profiteering.

'Handsome large orange and white

St.

Bernard dog, perfect companion, prize winner
7, worth 20/-." The Bazaar.

" The King has awarded the Albert Medal
in gold to Private (acting Lancet Corporal)
James Collins, of the Hth Field Ambulance,
R. A.M.C." Daily Cluvii idc.

We congratulate our contemporary on
its discovery of this new and appro-
priate rank.

JANITAUY 'J, 1'JIH.J

PUNCH, (ii: TIN-: LONDON CHARIVARI.

THE JIB CRANE.

(An incident of lnt Summer.)

AT an hour that seemed immediately
after sunrise there was a kind of vol-
canic upheaval in the cot alongside my
bed and a high voice piped out vigor-
ously :

" Hallo, Daddy, is this to-day ? "

" No," I muttered drowsily, " it
night. Go to sleep, you young beggar."
liut the young beggar climbed relent-
lessly on to my bed, sat upon my chest
Napoleonically and continued :

" What day is this, Daddy ? Is this
Saturday ? Arc you goin' to the office ?"

It was Saturday. I was not going
to the office. I was contemplating a
restful day at homo. Ho knew all that,
and without giving me timo to equivo-
cate he demanded, "'Well, will you
make me a crane '! "

"A crane?" said I. "How do you
mean a crane ? "

Only too well I know how he meant.
I recalled a day at the seaside when
my young hopeful saw a boy with it
toy crane lifting buckets of sanft on to
a gangway which the fishermen had a
fancy to use for getting at their boats
and where none but ho desired sand.
The boy was such an obvious nuisance
to the men that the sight of him in-
spired my son to an instant demand
for such a toy as that crane. In a large
paternal way I had replied to his eager
request :

" You wait until wo get home, old
chap, and I '11 make you a crane, a
better crane than that."

I meant it at the time I did really.
I saw, at that moment, exactly how I
should construct the crane with cotton-
reels for pulleys, you know, and an
effective but simply-designed winch
made out of oh, any old thing. I had
felt that I could not continually refuse
the child everything he wanted, having
already rejected his plea for a live
donkey and a motor-car to take homo
with us.

So now, in bed, when I feebly parried
with " How do you mean '? " my son
promptly explained how he meant.

" Like you said at the seaside, Daddy,
an' a hoy was liftin' luggids when the
boatmen tried to walk on that little
wooden road an' "

As if a man wnnted to bo reminded
of what ho had said at the seaside !

There was no escape, however. We
rose and dressed. I found that the
construction of that crane was not to
1)0 a leisurely artistic job. I was ex-
pected to make it now, before break-
fast. No, tlio boy did not want to eat (
his porridge all he wanted was that
D;i<i<ly should make his crane. Simi-
larly he did not want Daddy to waste

THE SEAMY SIDE OF CAMOUFLAGE.

Mrs. JenJiini (u-hote son JHU been wo'undrd by a nmywr). " I CALLS IT TREACIU:I:Y.
MRS. 'ARRIS, SETTIN' ox A THKK AND mnran' vor 'UK A LEAP."

any precious time on eating. He was
good-humoured but terribly firm about
that until Daddy became terribly firm
without being at all good-humoured.
Then the child wept grievously, where-
upon threats were uttered that, unless
he instantly became a good boy, I would
certainly not make him a crane. He
became good, became almost angelic,
with disconcerting promptitude, thus
automatically putting me on my honour
to construct that piece of machinery as
soon as breakfast was over.

Eeally the boy's "goodness" gavo nu;
a rather uncomfortable feeling ; for now
that the job was actually confronting
me I was seized with a horrible doubt
whether I could make a crane after all. i
In my youth I used to mes.s about

with a hammer and a lew nails and
knock together a rabbit-hutch or some-
thing of that kind, but 1 was never a
real handy man. and he:e 1 \\a-.going
to expose my incapacity to my confi-
dently expectant son.

After breakfast I lillcd my pipe and
leaned back in my chair beside the
table, which drew from my employer
the protest:

"Don't smoke your pipe, Daddy;
make me a crane.

I rose with a si^h and we adjourned
to (lie garden, where, behind the tool-
shed, I knew there was a pile of wood,
some of which might reasonably be ex-
1 to prove useful as raw material
for my or, rather, t In- bo\ 's -pi;
I picked out a narnr. ul, sitting

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANUARY 9, 191S.

on tho garden-seat, I gazed lit it, trying
to seo iu it tlio embryo of a crane.
i But I couldn't.

Tho boy watched me with tho critical
' coldness of a police magistrate ; his
' ga/e pierced to my guilty soul.

"Don't sit on the seat, Daddy," he
urged ; " make my crane."

"Bo quiet," I snapped, "or else I
won't."

He gazed at me for about ten seconds
and inquired :

" Are you thinkin', Daddy? "

"Trying to," 1 grunted.

" Don't think, Daddy," he mildly
suggested ; " make my crane."

I drew out a bit of paper and a
pencil and began to sketch something
that an imaginative and sympathetic
I person might mistake for a crane. The
youth regarded my doings with obvi-
ous suspicion.

" What are you writin', Daddy ? " he
inquired. " Don't write ; dyust make
me a crane."

" I 'm drawing a crane. Can't you
see ? " I asked irritably.

" But I don't want a crane drawed,"
he responded, " I want a real crane to
lift luggids, like you said at the seaside,
an'

" Look here, young man," I sternly
declared, "you just go and play sea-
side on the sand-heap. How can I
make a crane with you dancing all
over me?"

With feverish haste I rummaged in
the wood-pile and found a six-foot lath,
an inch wide, half-au-inch or so thick.
Out of the tool-house I disinterred a
two-foot rule and a very rusty saw. I
sawed the lath into two pieces, with
the unavoidable help of the boy, who
came and stood just where tho end
of the saw could catch him, trod on
my toes at moments of crisis, and put
out a helping hand with an unexpected
and sudden dart which nearly cost him
a finger.

When he realised that I was fairly
embarked upon the job a subtle change
came over his manner. He ran about
the garden, picking up silly oddments of
stick ami thrusting them upon me with
such remarks as, "Will this do for your
crane, Daddy ? " or " Here 's a splendid
stick for your crane, Daddy."

Tho position had altered. Daddy
was spending the day at home just to
make himself a toy crane, and his
I devoted little son was humouring the
old man in this eccentric pastime. Not
until, after four hours of strenuous
labour, an actual crane emerged, cap-
able, in skilled hands, of lifting three or
four pounds 'weight, did ho relax his
attitude of patronising consultativeness.
t was really a jib crane, much to the
astonishment of the manufacturer, and,

if it showed rather too strong a ten
dency to jib when least expected, still
it woulcWft " luggids."

For quite half -an -hour, with the
maker in close attendance for emergen
cies, that marvellous bit of mechanisn
was tho pride of a gratified youngster'
heart.

That was several days ago.

Now it stands forlornly perched upon
two boxes near the back-door. Milk-
men, bakers and errand lads who cal
upon us are amazed at its ingenuity
They stand and gaze at it, in their
employers' time, with admiring awe
It is still intact, and its owner would
weep outrageously if anything happened
to it.

But nothing ever does happen to it
In splendid isolation it thrusts its three
foot jib in air. Its hook the making
of which, from a stiff bit of wire, gave
me a blistered thumb hangs seduc-
tively over its pulley, but never catche:
anything, not even a glance of tho boy's
blue eye.

On tho sand-heap at the other end
of the garden the boy sits banging an
empty biscuit tin with a penny wooden
spade. Ho is quite happy in the music
thus evoked. Tho idea that he could be
tho relentless taskmaster who dragged
me from my bed and made me spend a
rare day of leisure in the hard toil of
inventing and making the jib crane is
inconceivable.
=

A Reformed Russian Calendar.

IT is rumoured that the Bolsheviks
are drawing up a new calendar. Up
to tho present the following scheme
has met with most approval. The
unit of time is to be one millennium.
This will be divided into a thousand
parts, each to bo known as a year.
Each year is to be divided into ten
months, all of equal length, while these
in turn will consist of ten weeks of ten
days apiece. The day will be composed
of ten hours. Each hour will contain
one hundred minutes of one hundred
seconds. It is further announced that
the only opposition so far has come
from a group of reactionary astro-
nomers, but that the military forces
of the " Government " have the matter
well in hand.

" i..u GIIIEB OF CALVES RESTRICTED."
luddcrminster Times,
No more ris clc rcait.

"Mind you, gentle reader, I admit the
bureaucratic menace. It hits one in the eye,
one catches one's feet in it." Mr. HOJJLKT
BLAJOftnaat in " The Sunday Herald."

It looks as if Mr; BLATCHFORD had
encountered a particularly offensive
specimen of the Ked Tape Worm.

TO "BARTIMEUS."
(From a grateful Landsman.)
ALTHOUGH the movements of the sea
Have always been a grief to mo
And still at times disastrously

Affect my corpus vile,
Sailors of high and low degree
I long have honoured highly.

But now we honour them far more
Than ever in the days of yoro
For all they 're doing in the War

To guard and shield and free us ;
And this is where tho man on shore

Can learn from " BAKTIMEUS."

For lately, when I couldn't stick

A " fearless " book which made me sick

And positively long to kick

The author to the ceiling,
By luck I chanced on your Long Trick

And found immediate healing.

Relentless realists protest
You only have one type tho best,
Drawn from the Islands of the Blest-
Of comrades, sons and mothers ;
They 'd rather see you foul your nest
Than praise the " band of brothers."

No matter ; leave their ink to flow ;
It cannot work you weal or woe ;
The verdict of the men who know

' The truth in its essentials
Should make the armchair critic slow
To challenge your credentials.

The naval officer you paint

Is not at all a plaster saint ;

He doesn't always brook restraint ;

He isn't prim or stolid ;
But still ho 's void of any taint

That 's mean or low or squalid.

And then you write of wondrous tilings
That pluck our hearts' most secret

strings
The tender grace that childhood flings

On scenes .of stern endeavour;
The news that joy and comfort brings

Or chills the heart for ever.

3o when young writers, void of ruth,
Portray the flower of England's youth
<\s ill-conditioned and uncouth

In short as Huns might see us
. turn for solace and for truth

To you, good "BARTIMEUS."

Commercial Candour.
From an advertisement :

" ' Few things arc impossible to diligence
\nd skill.'

EAT MARMALADE."

Beneath a portrait :

11 Lady has cared for 2,000 officers."

Sunday Paper,

\ truly large-hearted woman.

.IAM-AISY 0, l!Us.:

PUNCH; 01: TIIK LONDON CHARIYAKI.

John (caught rrd-liaildrd and milking tlte lest of it}. "WELL, IP I WAS THE MOTH KB AND YOU WAS THE LITTLE BOY. AXD I FOUSD SOU
BTEALINO rOITED MEAT, AND I KNEW HOW FOND YOU WERE OF IT, I WOULDN'T SAY A WORD TO YOU."

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)
MR. JOHN MASKKIKLD has already to his credit one finely -
told chronicle of the War. If The. Old Front Line (HEixk-
MANN) hardly gives scope for the picturesque writing that
delighted us in his Gallipoli, it is none the less a profoundly
moving record of scenes and places which not for genera-
tions to come will our people think upon unthrilled. The
writer's aim in this small hook has been a careful descrip-
tion of the old British lino, as it existed at the beginning
of the Battle of the Somme, with the prospect that in the
future it may be needed for aid in identification. "Even
this war will some day end, and the ruins will be rebuilt,
and the fields full of death will grow food, and all this
frontier of trouble will bo forgotten. One summer with its
flowers will cover most of the ruin man can make, and then
these places from which the driving back of the enemy
began will be hard to trace." Here is a book from which
emotion has been almost as of purpose excluded, but in the
passage above you may see what Mr. MASEFIKLU the poet
makes of such a theme. I should mention that his nine
chapters are illustrated with some war-photographs, more
dramatic, I think, than anything of their kind I have yet-
seen. Also there is a map, one of those queorly polyglot
charts wherein a path may run from "Flat-iron Copse" to
"Bazentin-lo-Grand." The writer mentions his hope of
following up this description of the old lino by an account
of our share in the battle. It is a hope that will be
widely shared.

I am a little puz/.led by A German Deserter's Wai
Experience (GRANT RICHARDS). It purports to bo written
by a young man who in civil life was a miner, but was
doing his second year of military service as a sapper in
garrison at Coblenz when the War broke out. Ho was
with the forces that invaded Belgium and afterwards
poured into France, and for fourteen months he took part in
every kind of fighting. At the end of this time ho had had
enough of it, and, having secured a furlough, he wont away
and never came back, but escaped into Holland and event-
ually got clear away to America, where, as I gather, this
book , appeared in serial form. I see no reason to doubt
the genuine character of the document, though it is pos-
sible that hero and there the writer was helped. Since
EHCKMANN-CHATHIAN'S Consent there has been no more
powerful indictment of War and its makers than is to be
found in this volume. The anonymous author of the
Preface apologises for the deserter's lack of literary art.
No apology was required, for some of the descriptions (as
of the Belgian horrors and of hand-to-hand fighting) are
extraordinarily vivid and direct pieces of writing. The
German defeat in the battle of the Maruo and the utter
chaos that ensued are also brilliantly described. No words
of hatred and contempt are strong enougli for the author
to apply to the German officers with whom ho is brought
into contact, from the CKOWN FBINCE down to his own
company commander ; ho puts them all down as brutes
and cowards. Incidentally I observe that, in war-time, dis-
cipline in the German army is slacker than I had supposed,
for, according to our author, a good deal of "back-talk"

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[.JANUAHY 9, 1918.

takes place between oflicers and privates Otheib have
described the squalor and loathsome brutality of war, but
dono it with so fierce a pen as this German

few have
desorler.

When Host \\~ltitel<i<lx, impoverished but rich with
even- maidenly charm, journeying to an unpromising situa-
tion as nursery governess, found herself in the same rail-
WS7 compartment with Vm< V.n/m; film-star and Wat-
widow who had boon married and left at the church door,
and was now {join" to her own oven more unpromising
position as the daughtar-in-law of a family she had never
Men and didn't in the least care about, what do you sup-
pose thev did'.' Miss BERTA EUCK tells us that they
Weed to swop identities, or rather that Vcra suggested
i he plan :in<l Hose was bluffed by a variety of circumstances
into carrying it out. Presumably, as Miss EUCK fixed the
affair, she lias got to bo believed ; though I admit that the
change did impose something of a strain on my credulity,

. , i ; , . . ; t i . virYt isl> i.' 1 1 1 1 V\*.i Q Im.vwi IPM till ft

the first chapter I was pleased, but hardly startled, when
the returning Thomas (who had cast an approving eye on
many charmers during his tour) discovered, like Peer Gynt,
that destiny had been awaiting him all the time at the
place from which he started. But this is by the way ; it

i0 the visits of Thomas that form the attraction of the book,
and the various establishments that welcomed him, each
with its distinctive atmosphere very happily suggested,
from the ducal mansion (where a house-party of the smart
stole his evening trousers) to that abode of dogs where his
adventures moved me to the laugh acknowledged above.
Certainly so cheery a guest deserves an immediate place
on your own list of week-enders.

Those who know Mr. STEPHEN GKAHAM through his
Eussiau books realise that his resilient mysticism sees the
good which he wishes to see, and will always appeal rather
to an emotion than to a reason. In quite the queerest

Vsiitiiiib*-' * ,~~,,~~ o jijj.il f\/t

despite the ingenuity with ^vhich she has handled the (M

circumstances. Anyhow,
Hose is welcomed with
open arms by the delight-
ful parents of her sup-
posed husband, and goes
with them to Paris "to
meet a relative," and in-
cidentally to be decked
out in all the loveliest
clothes that the imagin-
ation of woman could
compass. One observes
here that when Miss
EUCK called this story
In Another Girl's Shoes

(HODDER AND STOUGH-

TON) she was consider-
ably understating the
position. Naturally .you
will already have guessed
that the mysterious " re-
lative " is no other than
the missing bridegroom,
whose arrival creates a

novel of the past year, or any other year, Priest of the Ideal

(MACMILLAN)", he pursues the same engaging method. He

~ . 1 n Pm.m 4- 4- /A 4- !-/ van /1/iv

WAR ECHO FRCCM THE PAST.

"SISTERS, THE CHABM DOTH NOT SEEM TO WORK. METHOUGHT SOMKTHIM;
WOULD GO WRONG WHEN WE USED THAT VIPER'S TOISON SUBSTITUTE."

offers it to the reader
as " a divining-rod for
spiritual treasure in him-
self, a touchstone for the
hidden gold of the ideal."
Its obvious sincerity and
a rather disarming in-
genuousness redeem this
offer from mere pretenti-
ousness, and the reader
will be helped or infuri-
ated according to the
complexion of his tem-
peratr.ent. The story is
a sort of mystical medley
or revue, the record of
a pilgrimage made by
Washington King, repre-
sentative of an American
billion - dollar syndicate
anxious to purchase such
of our real old spiritual
treasures, cathedrals,
petting- stones, gargoyles

situation of farcical comedy only less improbable than the and the like as had ceased to mean much to us here, and

behaviour of his bride. Nonsense, of course, but for with them to build up a suitable religious background over

anyone who wants a cheerful fairy talo all about pretty there. With him goes Hampden, a licensed lay-preacher

clothes and nice meals I fancy Another Girl's Shoes will of the Church of England, and, I am afraid I must say it,

fancy
be found very comfortable wear.

These are days when a new humourist so he be genu-
inely amusing should find his welcome assured. That is
one reason why I expect you to thank me for an intro-
duction to Mr. H. B. CBEBWELI., whose book, Thomas
(NISHET), lias brought me one laugh, several chuckles, and
a pleasant sufficiency of smiles. These last are indeed
Mr. CRKHWELI/S staple commodity ; he is no farcical jester
ick your sides with impossible buffooneries. Granted
Tliiniiiffi and his circle of friends, the adventures that befall
him during his visits to them are all within practicable
limits. Tlii.m.i* was in ascending degrees, a civil servant,
a motorist, and a visitor. Before and above all else he was
the born visitor. It follows that this book, which is the
record of a holiday spent by Thomas, partly in his car,
partly in the spare bedrooms of a varied acquaintance,
contains so much garnered wisdom on the topic that it
might well be called the vade-mecum of the dropper-in.
There is also a certain slight story and somo flavouring of
, but as this latter is quite obviously settled in

a chartered prig, appraising these treasures and showing
how much more they really mean to us than our apparent
casualness would lead you to suppose. I tako.it that what
is chiefly wrong with the book is the form and its
amazing lack of humour. The people in it' might be quite
tolerable to those of their spiritual kin. To me Hampden
was merely a woolly-brained blameless ass, and this eannol
have been the effect intended. But what I should like to
testify to is Mr. GRAHAM'S love of England, and that may
well be allowed to cover a multitude of artistic sins.

I commend The Thistle to your notice not only because
it is the Souvenir Book (No. 2) of the Scottish Women's
Hospitals, but also because it is a bargain at the eighteen
pence charged for it. The illustrations are really wonder
ful, and the letterpress escapes that taint of the patch-quil
which experience teaches mo to look for in such produc
tions. I am not going to mention any names, for th<
simple reason that if I began I should not know when anc
where to stop. But I urge you to discover for yourselves
what good work is here, and so help a really fine cause.

JANUARY 10, 10 1H.]

TUNCH, OR THK LOXDON CHARIVARI.

CHARIVARIA.

"Ax excellent potato buller,"
I lie Ministry of 1'oocl, "can he made
I'm 1 livcpcnco a pound." "Take t\v<>
ounces of butter . . ." they say. Yes,
i)ut from whom '.'

* '

Tho Berlinei '/'m/.'/ilidt understands
that Turkey will lie invited lo join
Germany in ;i combined sitlaek on a

by our contemporary, ami there was
no hitch or collision.

* *

Eleven outbreaks of lire in London

ear uro estimated to have
6343,000. It is not thought likely
that, there will bo any great demand for
them at this price.

* f

Since the shortage of meat and I

several dogs have, formed the opinion

car. We understand
denied the accu

4
*

that the. beast
)f "joy riding."

new front. Turkey, however, it, ap- thai chemists might .do good business

with a mouth-wash to take away the

taste of postman.

* *

In Ireland three centenarians have

pe;irs, has intimated that pre\ ions en
I'agemenls, from \\ hicli she lias not yet
recovered, prevent her from accept ing
the kind oll'er. ^

A heifer which got loose at Tollbridge
last, week is slated to have |
entered several shops before
being captured. The animal
lias been informed by Lord
UIIONND.V that it must not
pick and choose in that way.

:|: '

It was so cold last week
that wo were not surprised
to learn Hint. Smilhfield
Market was ordered to re-
lease one thousand frozen

lambs for the hospitals.

* *

The HKCUKT.VHY you SCOT-
LAND states that he has seen
more porridge consumed in
London than in the whole
of Scotland. Many Scots
have written to him to say
that they did not know there
was a competition, and what
are the prizes, please ?

* *
#

" Think seriously before
using a motor vehicle,"
urges the Petroleum Execu-
tive in a recently issued leaf-
let. The prevailing practice
of hiring a couple of taxis at a time, so
as to have a spare one in case of emer-
gency, must cease.

''.- '','

W.A.A.C.'s are to bo classified as
" Mobile '' and " Immobile." VERDI
would never have assented to this dis-
tinction. "La donna e mobile" was his
view. .,. ...

* "

A dog exhibited at a Chicago show
is said to be worth one thousand dollars
an ounce. The gentleman who sent

M \uv BBAKMO*,O| i. has just,

ited her one hundred-and-fourt h
birthday. It is said that tho old lady
di-tinctly remembers butter when it
was a popular table commodity.

The sensational statement ia made
by a food expert that ho thinks tho
pork sausage will die a natural death
within a month. \Yo shall certainly
demand a post-mortem,

* *

The Tower Mridgo magistrate last
died within a few days of .each other, week made nil order to destroy ninety-
ami there is some talk of aOovermnent two old cheeses. Upon hearing the,

I sentence wo understand that
several of them broke down
! and had to bo assisted from

the cuiirl . . ^

A report that the cheeses
bad been handed over to the
fury of the Beefeaters at
the Tower caused grave
' concern among humani-
' tarians. ^ ^
*

The reassuring news that
a million acres of timber are
to be planted within tho
next forty years under a new
State scheme has encour-
aged Smith Minor to re-
sumo work on his rabbit-
hutch. , ,

Bewilderment was re-
cently expressed in court as
to tho manner in which six
thousand pounds had been
got rid of by a man who
neither smoked, drank nor
gambled. An ingenious lay-
man has since hazarded tho
inquiry into the health conditions of ! opinion that tho fellow mnst have been
the island. ... . buying food with it.

Shopper (coaxingly). "You WON'T FORGET AN OLD CUBTOMKR, Mn.
BONES, IP YOU 'APPEN TO 'AVE A 'IDDEN 'AND OP PORK.''

There is a demand for tho introduc-
tion of tho metric system info this
country. The weakness of our own
system is exemplified by the recent
police-court prosecutions showing that
some shopkeepers were under tho im-
pression that fifteen ounces constituted
a pound of butter.

Burglars who broke into a shop at

A brood of chickens has been hatched
out at Lewes with a hot-water bottle.
This feat has confirmed the growing
impression that in the matter of sub-
stitutes we have now very little to
learn from tho enemy.
* *

A Derbyshire Food Committee has
accepted tho apology of a butcher for
selling meat at more than schedule

a cheque for rather more than two Waltham Abbey prepared a meal of prices. Other butchers however wish
ounces has been told that nothing less tinned beef, cakes, biscuits, fruit and ' ' '

than the complete dog can be pur- 1 strawberry and raspberry wine, leaving

untouched the intoxicants in tho shop.
This is certainly another great victory
for the teetotalers.

* *

chased.

The Evening Xctrs reminds us that
the display of shooting stars which
it had predicted duly came olT. Ad-
mirable arrangements had been made

In Essex a bullock has been conveyed
to a slaughter-house in a private motor-

it to bo understood that this must not
be regarded as a precedent.

*.. " ::

At a certain Berlin suburb people
who fail to do their share of compul-
sory si)ov. - -sbovelling are to be pilloried
in a black list. They also run the risk
of being snowballed at the best chilis.

[JANUARY 16, 1918.

WINGED WORDS.

i~ roi*'! :

A'II-M.N'S speech '

he enemy's 111

\YlI.l.l\M H. TO HIS TliOOl'S.

MY cannon-fodder! If your ea-vr sight

01,. rending from the empyrean

A rloud of ilutti'i-ing objects, snowy white,
1'., not uplift the speculative pu-an,

Singing, "Here come from Heaven above
A million samples of the pacifistic dove!

Clap on your tin hats! These apparent birds

\,v -ust the deadliest missiles of destruction
A Hock of pamphlets stiff with poisoned words
!y designed for your untutored suction;

10 your dug-outs; get away
the infernal wiles of WILSON, U.S.A.

From

In language calculated to deceive

Innocent souls that never met a liar,
He says that you are ill-advised to cleave

To low ideals when he can show you higher

You who, by My august decree,
Take all your best and brightest notions straight from Me

And what are these ideals that I have taught '.'

A Fatherland secure from vile invaders;
Liberty to pursue a culture fraught

With peaceful triumph for our thrusting traders;

My eagle poised on every breeze
To symbolise the German freedom of the seas.

Add, too, My purely altruistic aims:

Divine protection underneath My aegis
For smaller nations, covering all their claims,
Even the right to rank as WILLIAM'S lieges;

Each land to voice its local views
By some elective means which I Myself will choose.

And I'm the bar to peace, this WILSON cries,

Knowing that none for peace has laboured harder!
Thus would he tamper with Imperial ties
In hope to freeze your military ardour;

While you obey My sceptred will,
Your chance of terms, he says, is practically nil.

So you must not suppose this winged print

Comes from our German God for your reflection;
I'll always let you have an early hint
If anything arrives from that direction ;

No heavenly counsel can be lent
Save with the Senior Partner's previous consent.

0. S.

THE SKIRLIN' O' THE PIPES.

(A Play suited to a Repertory Theatre.)
ACT I.

SCENE. The kitchen of McNab's cottage in Inverdrochit
evening. Outside, the wind howls dismally. McNab sit.
glowering at the fire. A few minutes after the curtail
rises he relights his pipe, which has gone out, then resume,
his glowering. After a long pause there is a knock at tht
door. McNab evidently does not hear it. It is repeated
He glances at the door, but takes no further notice miti
the knocking becomes almost continuous.

McNab (rising and placing his pipe carefully on th
chimney -piece). Ay!

[He noes slowly to the door, opens it cautiously and
admits his friend McTavish, whose teeth are chattering
audibly with the cold. The two shake hands without a
word. McTavish removes his bonnet and they come to
the fireplace. McNab sits in the same chair as before.
McTavish finds another and draws it up. A pause.
They both light their pipes and glower at the fire. A
long pause.

McNab (conversationally). Ay.

McTavish (not to be outdone in the matter of sociainlity).

'Mphm.

[Another pause. In the distance outside, the sound of the
bagpipes is heard. The performer is no musician. A

pause.

CURTAIN.

ACT II.

K.NK as before. The same evening (evenings are long
in Inverdrochit). McNab and McTavish have not changed
their 2>ositions. A long pause. McNab rises and goes to
a dresser, from which he brings a bottle of whisky
and tumblers. He pours out two generous drams, hand-
ing one to McTavish. He then lifts the kettle from the
fire and offers to fill McTavish's glass. McTavish shakes
'his head and McNab puts back the kettle. Solemnly wav-
ing their glasses to each other they drink.

McTavish (smacking his lips). Ay.

McNab (rising, wiping his mouth with the back of his
hand and rmtting his glass on the chimney-piece). 'Mphm.
[He sits down again and they continue to glower at the fire.
Outside, the noise of the pipes draws nearer and nearer.
They are being very execrably played. The distress of
both McNab and McTavish is visible. A pause.
The clock strikes. A long pause. A piece of coal
falls out of the grate. Another pause.
CURTAIN.
ACT III.

SCENE, the same (there are very few cottages in Inverdrochit).
McNab and McTavish cling to their original positions.
Their attitude is increasingly restive as the noise of the
pipes becomes more intolerable. A long pause. McTavish
moans as the piper comes to an appallingly discordant
passage. McNab rises, puts his pipe on the chimney-
piece and finishes his glass. He glances uneasily round.
McTavish knocks the ashes noisily out of his pipe on the
bars of the fireplace, then puts it in his pocket. The
bagpipes are now very near ttie house. McNab goes to
the drawer of the table, from which he produces a carving-
knife. He tests it on his thumb and looks questioningly
at McTavish.
McTavish (in reply, gloomily). 'Mphm.

[He glowers at the fire again.

McNab, with the knife in his hand, goes out resolutely,
closing the door behind him. A pause, during which
the pipes reach their climax in an unearthly wail then
silence. McTavish's tense glower relaxes. Another
pause. The door opens and McNab re-enters. He may
almost be said to be smiling. He looks at the knife in
his hand with an affectionate interest and puts it back
in the drawer.

McTavish (interrogatively]. Ay?
McNab (luith gusto). 'Mphm.
McTavish (chuckling). Ileh ! heh 1 heh 1
McNab comes back to Jiis chair. Both light their pipes
again and resume their steady glower at tlie fire. The
silence (broken only by the dismal howling of the wind)
continues. A very long pause.
CURTAIN.

PUNCH, OB THE LONDON CHARIVARI. JANUARY 16, 1918.

AT 'THE SUPERFLUITY."

THE WHITEHALL WONDER. "OF COUBSE A CHOBUS LIKE THIS IS NO USE TO ME. JT
OUGHT TO BE TEN TIMES THE SIZE."

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANUARY 16, 1!)1H.

-ri-

Gladys (familiar witk tlie phrase, " lo atop a, Itullet "). "
BS'T BEES IN ALL DAY. I DO HOPE SHE HASN'T STOPPED

OH, MOTHKH, I '41 GETTING SO AWFULLY ANXIOUS ABOCT MY KITTEX.
A DOG."

SHE

THE BUNS OF EXILE.

f" To me the 7,oo is one of the saddest sights
in Uie world." '

IT gave me a distinct shock when I
read it. I have always enjoyed my
Sunday afternoons at the Zoo, always
taken at its face value the air of nour-
ished ease that sits so well upon the
more popular of its denizens. My own
favourites had never received me with
anything but friendly if expectant
smiles. How was I to know that
tragedies of pent-up longing, unfulfilled
desire, corroding nostalgia lay beneath
the mask of friendship, indifference or
contempt ? I mention indifference and
contempt because it would be idle to
pretend that I am accorded the same
warmth of greeting in all quarters of the
gardens. The wart-hog, for example,
plainly regards me as a more cipher.
He does not like buns, and an earnest
attempt to propitiate him with a pail
of nice ripe swill merely led to a mis-
understanding with the officials of the
Underground Railway.

The Egyptian cat, again, has never
been, ordinarily pleasant with me. In-
deed this irascible personality, I am
informed, has only once been known to
smile, and that was when a bibulous
bus-driver called him "pretty pussy"
and tried to tickle his neck. The
keeper declares it was what the bus-
driver siiiil tluit made the cut smile.

For myself, after my initial failure to
arouse his interest with a clockwork
mouse on a string, I have simply
passed by on the other side where the
mongooses live.

But these surly or indifferent ones
had always seemed to me thg exception.
In the main I had always found niy
friends, furred, feathered or scaled, to
be possessed of a generous share of
cheery philosophy, sparkling wit and
even of undisguised but never ill-bred
levity. Were their lives, then, mere
travesties of existence, tragedies of
prison yard and cell, an endless beating
against bars of tortured spirits crying
to be free ? I should never have sup-
posed it, and yet Mr. JOHN GALSWORTHY
assures me it is so, and on sucli subjects
as prison bars, wife-beating navvies, un-
just judges, defaulting solicitors' clerks
and other symbols of oppression he
has always been to my simple mind an
authority from which appeal seemed
superfluous. How could he be mis-
taken about it ? And yet

I took the first train to Regent's

Park. On the way I thought out a

plan of campaign. My friends biped,

quadruped and multiped should hide

nothing from me in the goodness of

their hearts. Their painful secret, if

| it existed, I would compel them to

. share with me at all costs.

I decided to begin on James, the
dromedary. Our friendship has been '

more or less one-sided, and, while his
dry humour appeals to me, it has
always seemed to me to savour un-
necessarily of the mordant.

" Well, James," I began, " I suppose
you have seen it?" James eats the
paper everyday, being interested, or so
he says, in some relatives who are
fighting in Mesopotamia. James is
inclined to swank about the War, and
likes to pretend that he is waiting to
be called to the colours. The fact is
he is well over military age and would
never be categoried higher than B 3.

" Of course I saw it," replied James
somewhat testily. " Rather a lot of
bilge, between you and me," he added,
carefully measuring the distance be-
tween the lapel of my coat and the top
of the railing.

" Are you sad ? " I asked, gently dis-
entangling the brim of my hat from
James's upper lip. (His length is as
good as ever, but his direction isn't
what it used to be.)

"Personally, I am never sad," ho
replied. " There is so much of interest
within our grasp if we only keep our
outlook unimpaired. But you must
not expect mo to speak for these wild
animals. Of their crude emotions 1
know nothing.''

James, who has eaten more keepers
than anyone else in the menagerie,
rather overdoes, in my poor opinion,
this affectation of being tame. But his

jANt'AUY It!, 11US.]

PUNCH, Oil THE LONDON CHAIMVARI.

.Inn rican Officer (to Sammy, coining over on traiuport). " SAV, YOU 'KB wouSDKD ALHKAUY?'
Sammy. "THAT'S SO. TEDDY ROOSEVELT SHOOK HAND8 WITH ME ON THE QUAY.' 1

remark gave me to think. After all,
his race has been inured to the sway of
man for countless generations, though
the man does not live that can become
inured to the sway of James and his
kith. I must seek my information else-
where. .1 bade James farewell.

" What, not one ? " he demanded dis-
gustedly. I explained that no buns
were to bo had, but finally compromised
on an old tobacco pouch which I had
intended to throw away. James ex-
pressed a grudging satisfaction.

I passed on to the abode of an old
and tried friend, Grumpy, the venerable
bison, whose shaggy exterior and repel-
lent demeanour hide a heart of gold.
Grumpy is never subject to moods.
This is partly because his rations have
not been curtailed by the War. Buns
he never cared for, and the occasional
lump of kitchen salt that I bestow on
him suffices to keep ns on terms of
do.M.'st intimacy. On the other hand
no one has ever suspected Grumpy of
being flippant or Laodicean.

" Will you please give me your views,
your real views, on captivity '.' " I asked
him when the customary greetings
had been exchanged. Grumpy snorted.
There is only one person in the world

who can snort like Grumpy, and that
is an elderly Conservative M.P. whom
I sometimes meet at the club. He
snorts just like that when anyone men-
tions Disestablishment.

"As a matter of fact," replied Grumpy,
" I was born in captivity, old as I am.
But my father used to tell me of the
old days before he was cr civilized."

" Did he miss them much '? " I asked.
" I mean the ' far-rolling prairie ' and
all that?"

" 1 le never said so," replied Grumpy.
" He used to boast of all the fights he
had won ; but between you and me I
think they er brought him into the
fold just in time. He had been badly
mauled the week before by a big young
bull, and it 's almost certain the coy-
otes would have got him."

" But the ' thunder of a million
hooves,' and so forth?" I murmured,
faintly mindful of my MAYXK HKID
and FENIMORE COOI-KH. "Oh, that,"
said Grumpy shortly, " that 's all moon-
shine. Father said they only ran when
Indians were after them or there was
a I'm.-. What he liked was to sit all
day in the mud. '

I derived much satisfaction from my
brief chat with Grumpy. But after all

his impressions were only second-baud.
I determined to speak to Isabella, the
hippopotamus. But Isabella was peev-
ish because her bath was insufficiently
warm. Besides, we are not particular
friends. Giving Isabella a bun is Kite
handing a ten-shilling note to a War
Bond Tank. Nothing less than a myriad
such contributions makes enough im-
pression on her to earn a collective grunt
of appreciation. For myself, I like my
buns to produce what the patent medi-
cines call "instant relief " in the face of
the donee.

With Fiji Sliimpo, the Japanese
ape, I was scarcely more successful.
"Fleas aro fleas," said Fiji brusquely,
"whether captured on the heights of
Fuji - yama or in Regent's 1'ark."
" Banzai," ho added, which 1 take to
bo the Japanese for " Got him ! "

Lastly I took my questions to Tom,
tho piping crow. He of all the denizens
of tho '/MQ is most truly my guide,
philosopher and friend. Ho combines
wit with discernment, wide faculties of
observation with fluent powers of ex-
pression. I unearthed from uiy pocket
a twist of paper containing four sidtanas
and a torpid cockroach. I had stood
in a <|iicuo exactly threo hours for the

[JANUARY 16, 1918.

Tho cockroach I had come
y more easily. Tom listened sympa-
thetically while I unfolded my troubles.
His replies wuro.a masterpiece of con-
sidered logic.

\\V animals," he observed, ' have
jcen rightly described by a French
philosopher as ' happy little stomachs.
All our other emotions are transitory,
imt hunger is with us always. When
not actually asleep wo are cither eating
or looking for something to eat (thank
you). Hunger is tho mainspring of all
mir actions. In the next cage but one
to this you will find a godwit, a very
dccont follow, by tho way, who used
to travel every year from Greenland to
Patagonia and back in search of food.
He tolls me that they went in flocks, and
tho chance of surviving tho journey was
less than that of a soldier going over
the top in Flanders (thank you).

"You ask," ho went on, "if we are
happy in captivity. Once we realise that
we are not to be hurt and that food is to
be had for the asking, wo are happy pro-
vided we are not sick. Mark you, I do
not say that all captivity is pleasant.
Even here there is room for improve-
ment. Insufficient variety of diet (thank
you), too close confinement, the sub-
jection to improper temperature, the
proximity of unpleasant neighbours
all these drawbacks occur more or less.
But they are remediable. Confinement
as such, if accompanied by plenty of
food, opportunities for exercise, com-
panionship and self-development, is not
objectionable. After all," he added,
"your respectable business man, who
spends his life between his villa and his
office, is as much a captive (thank you'
as we are. His idea that he is free is an
illusion. Man," concluded rny friend
a little maliciously, it seemed to me
" is at least consistent. He shackles
himself with habits and conventions
and needs and encumbrances as mud
as he imprisons us with bars and wire
netting."

Tom paused expectantly. There wa<
only the cockroach left.

" One more question," I said, " anc
I am done. How is it that you neve
strike that last note of ' Pop ! goes th
weasel' right?"

He looked at me thoughtfully.
" You humans," he said, " hanke
after perfection. That is why yo
know so little about happiness (than
you). ALGOL.

" Cairo, Friday.

Router's correspondent at British heac
quarters in Palestine, writing on Thursrla
from Delenda est Gaza, says : . . ."

Australian Paper.

Not everybody has the good fortune t
be educated at Vivat Etona.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

MUFTI ONCE MORE.

Lines on a prospect of Three Weeks'

Leave.)
VHAT though the camphor's barrage

lines

Have failed to stop the looting
\nd moths have marred thy chaste

designs,

Oh ante-bellum suiting !
Oh stylish weeds wherein I wooed
ivangelino and Ermyntrude,
Oh pair of spats that once astounded
Tooting !

Vhat though, I say, this fancy vest

A fearsome sight discloses,
Where winged things have found a nest

And snatched their impious dozes,
And battened on the sacred woof,
\nd made it bed and board and roof,

Wearing, I doubt not, gas-masks on
their noses?

lonscious, at least, that long ago
They took the town with splendour,
Shall I not put them on and blow

The war-time mufti-vendor?
Though I look somewhat like a sieve,
Shall not men, seeing me, forgive?
There are no shades to-day so sweet,
so tender.

Shall they not also say, " This proves
How soon, how swiftly laughed he

At all our petty peace-time grooves,
And challenged Fritz the crafty ;

These were the 1914 cut ;

[n those dim days he was a nut ;
Just now, of course, they seem a
trifle draughty "?

Yes, I am proud ; my chest is filled

With triumph, and I smack it ;
What do I care for punctures drilled
Straight through a service jacket?
These are my wounds this well-lovec

tweed,

Laid on one side for England's need,
Less like a tweed now than a tennis
racquet.

Then up, my ancient suits and ties !

In vain the tailors peddle ;
In vain for me the sempstress plies

Her spinning-wheel and treadle ;
The voice of British Honour speaks
In these my perforated breeks,

Each orifice becomes a bloomin
medal. EVOE.

The Scientific Touch.

"I couldn't help but feel that my sleeping
room would be haunted for evermore by th
spectrum of poor grandfather."

London Magazine.

"BRITISH GUNNERS' FINE wonK IN ITALY,
Open Cities of Padua and Trcviso Bombc
with ' Particular Fury.' " Daily Mirror.

It looks as if something was wron
with the registering.

A TEAGEDY OE THE WAS.

IT is all over I Never again shall I
e able to practise that self-deception
vhich used to make life worth living.
Che veil has been rudely torn from my
yes and at last I see myself as others
!e me.

He was such a nice-looking, open-
aced boy, too the one who dealt me
lie blow. I had noticed him in the
rowd and hoped it would come to my
ot to minister to him. Little did I
:now.

1 had consented to go down twice a
.veek and help at the canteen. I did it
vith my eyes open and not labouring
under the misapprehension that it was
in invitation to stand behind a counter
ooking like a beauty chorus and serv-
ng out glad eyes and badinage to the
Tommies with an occasional slice of
sake. I knew it meant some hours of
mstle and bustle to keep things going,
lours of heavy service in the produc-
ion of boiling water, hours of washing-
up. I was well awa' o, in fact, that 1
vas in demand, not for my looks, but
or my efficiency.

All the same there really seemed no

reason why I should not make niysell

ook as nice as possible. Praise be to

Allah, I have curly hair and the sort

of complexion that makes certain of

my friends wonder (audibly) whether it

s only powder, or paint as well. Eew

people realise at a first glance that ]

im nearer forty than twenty.

I put on my nicest hat, the one that
comes down a bit coquettishly on one
side ; I chose my prettiest blouse, of a
blue that makes my blue eyes bluer ; I
said to myself in the glass, "Tom was
right. You ivould pass for nineteen
sometimes by gaslight."
And then this.

He was, as I said, a nice-looking boy
and when lie gave me an. unprovoked
smile over the heads of his companions
I hoped that perhaps I reminded him
of his best girl. Quite young, too, he
W as so young, in fact, that I have since
come to the conclusion that he had not
yet had time to lose that instinct whicl
children seem to share with animals o
knowing a great deal about you the verj
instant they meet you.

For, as soon as he got near enougl
to the counter to be heard, this is wha
he said :

" A cup o' tea, please, mother I "

" General Alleiiby arrived in Cairo to-day
and was warmly received at tho station by
distinguished gathering. A British infautrj
guard of honour was drawn up inside- an
MaeCabc.in Boy Scouts were posted at th
exit." Globe.
The Cadet Corps, we presume, of th
Jordan Highlanders.

JANUARY 10, 19IH.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CIIAIMVAIII.

LIQUID FIR.E FOR, GROUSE.

nil i

THE HORRORS OF PEACE.

Till: 1U.X AWLIES HIS WAK-TIME METHODS OF EFFICIESCY TO THE I'l KIOSKS OF SfOKT.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

COMBING-OUT IN THE MIDDLE AGES.

The Queen. "I DO WISH WE'D GOT EXEMPTION FOB OOB JESTEB. THIS WOMAN BOBES ME STIFF

THE TOWER

WHEN we are slow in effort, weak in will,

Querulous in the lesser strains of war
Or craven in the greater, when the hill

Of Destiny seems higher than her star,
When from the clay that bears their impress still

Depart the dreams that were, the ghosts that are
When tliis befalls if over this might be
England, seek thou the Tower of Memory.

When babbling fools, for Russian follies ripe,

And chinless knaves, more full of words than wit,

Play on the hills of Hell their oaten pipe
And sing of sweet pools in the sunless pit,

When the long sword is loosed in Honour's gripe
By the cold fingers of the hypocrite,

And faint forebodings frustrate her decree,

England, climb thou the Tower of Memory.

Walk there awhile, before the day is done,
Beneath the banner and the battered casque

Where carven heraldry in bronze and stone,
With lily and with cross and leopard's mask,

Spandrils the arch. Thou shalt not walk alone ;
There dead men live again and dead lips ask,

" What of the isles of England and her sea? "

Till whispers fill the Tower of Memory.

From brows burnt dark by Syrian sun and wind
Flash the blue eyes that awed the Saracen ;

Souls long since given to God in utmost Ind
Walk once again in images of men ;

OF MEMORY.

Lords of the world and masters of the mint],

Who sailed lieyond the sea-mark of their ken,
And for their England dreamed all things save three-
Dishonour, ruin and darkened memory.

Stand in the Tower of Memory till the West

Breaks round the dropping sun in splintered flame ;

There is a chronicle deciphered best

By crimson light the inerasible shamo

Of traitor foeman and, far bitterest,
Of alien hearts clad in a kindly name ;

Know who are bondsmen, know that thou art free

While thou canst hold the Tower of Memory.

Across the epic arras curves the trace
Of fading vows in counterfeited gold ;
There hangs the cast of every traitor face,

With every cunning line and evil fold.
Look long, O England, for that very race

Peers o'er thy foaming frontiers grey and cold ;
Look long, for who shall blind or baffle thee
If thou but hold the Tower of Memory?

A Consistent Absentee.

" Through being absent from the December meeting of the

Town Council Alderman missed his first attendance for thirty

years." Yorkshire Evening Post.

"R. Muns. Fus. Temp. Capt. C. P. , from York E. ( to; bo

temp. Capt. (Nov. 22, 1917, seny. Sept. 13, 1936)." Times.

Is this the official tip for the end of the War ?

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAKIVAKI. --,!AM-\KY 1C, 1918.

A TACTLESS INTRUSION.

KAISEU (addressing Regency Council of Poland). "AS AGAINST TUE CALUMNIES OF THE ENEMY
I FEEL GRATEFUL THAT MY UNREMITTING EFFORTS TO BE THE CHAMPION AND
PROTECTOR OF THE PRINCIPLES OF HUMANITY-

NEWSBOY. ''GREAT GERMAN NAVAL VICTORY! BRITISH HOSPITAL SHIP TORPEDOED!"

"PUNCH, OR THE LQNDOg^CHABIVARI.

16 '

ON A SEA FORT.

oerneaiu-jaajoT. 'Now THEN, WHAT ARE roo GBOUSING ABOUT?"

Gunner. "ME GROUSE', MAJOR? I WASN'T GKOUSIN' ; I WAS ONLY WOXDEBIS' ALOUD TO MESELF 'ow TUB BLAZES ME SCRVBBI

THIS BLIXKIH' TABLE WAS GDIS' TO WIN THE BLINK1N 1 WAR."

Seryeant-lfajor.

THE WATCH DOGS.

LXIX.

MY DEAB CHARLES, I have come to
the disinterested and impersonal con-
clusion that I am IT. Other men may
be General Officers Commanding ; /
am the Particular Officer commanding
A. B. A. S. Jones.

That is the whole of him : " A. B. A. S.
Jones." I have changed his name, of
course, but the initials I wouldn't alter
for worlds. Whatever he may think of
them himself, they are the joy and
pride of my life. Jones is a sailor, a
real pukka nautical and naval sailor,
and I, a soldier, command him.

I have always held myself out to
command any old thing you like, from
an infantryman to a third-class air
mechanic, from a gunner to a driver,
from a sapper to a nondescript civilian
who was found to have got into uni-
form so quickly that lie had omitted
to take the oath of allegiance. Some
come from overseas, and with one I
have to hold converse in French, because
ho can't speak my native language and
I can't speak his. But the climax of
my assorted supremacy was achieved

when, recently, my office door burst
open and, preceded by a strong smell
of ozone, in blew A. B. A. S. Jones.

We got to the essence of the thing
at once, over the matter of the initials.
At once I took exception to the excess
of Christian names and absence of
descriptive prefix. " Come, come, my
lad," said I, " you cannot go about
these days in that naked sort of way.
You must be a private or a gunner, or
a sapper or something. You seem to
forget that there is a war on."

lie was disguised, I should tell you,
in khaki. Even so he would stick to
it that he had given me the truth,
the whole truth and nothing but the
truth about himself. Cross-examined
on the point and reminded that he was
upon his oath, he declared that he was
a naval rating. Our Mr. Booth, who
lias never yet been found wanting,
thereupon remembered that ho had
urgent business with the Quarter-
master-Sergeant and left the office
hurriedly. George was silent for the
first time in his life, and refused to
venture an opinion in the presence of a
superior officer. I was left to battle
I with the problem myself.

"And what," I asked, "is a naval
rating, when you 've caught it ? "

Jones referred to the initials again and
said he was an able seaman, and the
only little rift there has ever been in our
mutual lute goes back to that. He will
have it that he has got the letters in
their proper order, prefix first and Chris-
tian names next. For my part I can
never bring myself to spell sea with a
" B " when there is an " S " handy.

" And so you are a sailor ? " said I.

" Yes, Sir," said he.

The correct answer, I pointed out,
was " Ay, ay, Sir." But Jones didn't
tumble to it ; to be honest, it was quite
apparent that he was in reality just
another darned civilian, like the rest of
us. Personally, I refuse to be honest
on this point. I insist upon the pre-
tence being kept up ; if a war is worth
making at all it is worth making
properly. It was necessary to show
A. B. A. S. Jones that one was a strict
disciplinarian.

" You are a sailor? " I said.

Jones acquiesced witli that sloiiy,
straightahead, noncommittal stare
which I take to be common to both
services.

JANUABX 10, 1'JIH.]

PUNCH, OR TIIK LONDON CHARIVARI.

"Then," I admonished him, "you
should give your Iron surd a hitch when
addressing an olliccr. Sf;md down."

Goorgo congratulated mo on my
manner of handling a dillicult situation,
without having committed myself to a
technical phrase. The " Stand down "
particularly impressed him ; it had, ho
said, a professional smack about it,
though it might not bo the right
profession it .smacked of. Jones later
on unburdened himself to our Mr.
Booth, pointing out that ho was in the
Army now and had loft his ship.
" You should have brought it with
you," said our Mr. Booth. " It would
have come in handy for our next leave."
In fact, tho whole department thought
it hail thoroughly defeated tho Senior
Service. " You wait," said I ; " there 'a
the Admiralty to bo reckoned with yet.
I bet that all those Model Dwellings
in Whitehall aren't full of people doing
nothing."

I was right. There was tho usual
preliminary lull, during which the new-
comer went about his work, drew his
rations and grew fat and rosy. But
meanwhile the trouble was accumu-
lating, and Army forms were collect-
ing on some distant unfriendly desk.
Eventually some Admiral or other came
ashore, went to his oflico, saw the Army
forms there and at once burst into such
language as is entirely foreign to us
soldiers. Slowly but surely his nautical
clerk reduced this language to the more
seemly but no less biting form of the
official minute, and we were right in
the middle of it.

George pushed off to Italy ; our
Mr. Booth went sick ; I found excuse
to bo elsewhere than in my office,
which I left in charge of a new recruit.
Tho correspondence continued to pour
in, insisting on the point that naval
ratings cannot be transferred to Army
units, and had Admiralty sanction
been officially obtained for this man's
discharge?

I was at last compelled to return to
business on receipt of a piteous note
from rny good friend at tho War Office
who obtains and delivers to mo from
time to time these specialists, snaffled
from any available source. If I didn't
do something to help him, he said, he
would fraternise, and bang would go
A. B. A. S. Jones.

It was a long and a bitter battle. My
pursuers were far away, it is true, but
these nautical fellows are used to shoot-
ing with deadly aim at victims they
cannot see. Eventually wo compro-
mised ; for all their outward harshness
the seafaring ones recognised, and, no
doubt, understood, my affection for my
old salt. It being understood that, as
East is East, etc., tho transfer of a naval

Laily. "IT'S DISGRACEFUL! Yon ABE HOT xnsma THE SLIGHTEST EFFOHT TO HELP

IN ANY WAY."

Tramp. "MADAM, TOU WBOXd ME. I FBEQtJEXTLY DEPUTISE FOB LADT KUIEXDS Of
IN THE QUEUES."

rating to my military unit was for ever
impossible; yet, as a concession, this
particular man might be borne as at-
tached.

" A. B. A. S. Jones," said I, clearing
my husky throat, " your transfer was
a ghastly mistake and is hereby can-
celled. Nevertheless you aro attached
to my service."

" Very, Sir," said ho, with some little
liberty, no doubt, but with what ad-
mirable tact !

Yours ever, HENRY.

" Tho Council confirmed tho minutes of tho
Education Committee, which recommend. -.1
that tho salaries of all elementary school
teachers, except student teachers, bo advanced
per annum, dating from April 1, 1917."
Yorkshire Post.

The teachers are unanimously of opinion
that the Council's humour was in bad
taste.

The Shipping Shortage : War-work
for Women.

" Was this tho faco that launched a thousand

ships ? " MABLOWE (Faustus).
WASTED, a few HELENS, as above. Apply
Director of National Service."

From a review:

"A big vory fat man, whoso stealthy move-
ments recall Count Fosco in tho Moonstone."
Times Literary Supplement.

The Count's movements in that story
aro so exceedingly stealthy that few
people have detected his presence at all.

"At Cullompton, Devon, an engine-driver
was fined 10 for.feeding peasants with barley
and oats. He la id a line of grain for a distance
of nearly 300 yards across a common."

Westminster Gazette.

Wo are sorry his'generosity met with
such a rebuff, especially after the pains
he had taken to avoid a queue.

LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANUAUY 16, 1918.

THE NEW INDUSTRY.

T \\ \s never taken so unawares, never
so bewildered and abashed I may even
say outraged as when, at the break-
fast table the other morning, m the
house of a friend hitherto notable for
tin- quietness and refinement of his
own and his family's demeanour, J
was suddenly made the target of the
loudest combined roar of protest that
ever split tho welkin. And what do
you think I had done ? No more than,
after reading a letter (to do which I
had, 1 hardly need say, asked and
obtained my hostess's permission), to
begin, as usual, to tear it up. No
sooner had my thumbs and fingers
irranged themselves to perform tins
simple and very normal action than
tho united lungs of ~~
ny so-called hosts
'atlier, mother and
children uttered
what I can describe
only as a howl of ex-
ecration, unearthly in
its volume and sud-
denness. And all this,
[ learned, after I had
;omo to myself and
my shattered nerves
wcro calming down,
merely because, if you
please, owing to the
scarcity of matches,
spills have to be made;
and I was wasting a
piece of paper.

" Good heavens ! "
I said to myself, " to
think that the delicate
decorum of such nice
people as these can go
by the board at the thought of the loss
of one, or perhaps two, spills ? This is
war indeed." And then, being what-
ever else I may be no slacker, I flung
myself also into tho fray and became
so keen and, I may add, so expert
that I too am preparing a somewhat
similar vocal effort with which to
chock and admonish others as reckless
as my dead self.

I am also in a position to assist an
industry which will soon be spreading
even into the homes of profiteers and
munitioners, and must occupy most of
tho energies of our youngest and our
oldest. For spills catch life at both
ends ; only the newest babes arc too
immature, only the centenarians too
ripe, to fold them.

For the use of beginners a few hints
are now offered as to tho manufacture
of spills styles, materials and so
forth tho whole calculated, if care-
fully assimilated and (with or without

! mitted to memory, to convert even our
old friend, the veriest ignoramus, into
a perfect spiller in the course of a few
minutes.

To begin with, the implements.
These are inexpensive and to be found
everywhere. If not in evidence they
may, as a rule, be obtained from tho
nearest pockets. In short, and without
being too funny about it the hands.

which neither flames nor goes out, but
smoulders and smokes. I have seen
a young mother with her children
about her watching the deplorable
operation on her knees on the carpet,
rolling a whole Horning Post (a two-
penny paper now, mark you) into one
of these inefficacious tubes ; and then
we all had to use matches.

So much for the actual manufacture,

"Next, the material-paper, of which ' in the best way, of spills. Next, their
ever since a paper shortage was an- - --* " " f "" ' ' ""*
nounced there has been no lack. The
best paper of all for this purpose is
perhaps that on which bills are made
out ; but begging circulars are also
good. Letters from admonitory aunts
often burn brightly ; catalogues of bar-
gain sales give good results.

use. The chief use of spills is to ignite
what used to be known as " Tho Indian
Weed," but has lately, by an Oxford
professor of the highest standing, been
called "The Sister of Literature" I
refer to tobacco. And I may say here
that it lias been decided by the Corn-
am saies give yuuu -.. mittec of the Thirteen Club that the
\nd now for method, where, I regret bad luck which inevitably followed the

i act of making one
match suffice for three
smokers is no longer
' to bo feared. Now
that tho means of
illumination is paper
the penalty has been
removed. Supersti-
tious folk, of whom I
am chief, will receive
the news with plea-
sure. The purpose of
spills, then, is to ignite
tobacco in one or other
of the forms in which
we absorb it, but
, chiefly of cigarettes.
They can, of course,

be used also to light
other things ; but that
is rare.

Truly economical
and patriotic persons

- blow them out when

" YES, THE POSTAL SERVICE IS IN A WRETCHED>SONDITION. WHY, LAST MONTH I
RENT OUT NEARLY A HUNDRED STATEMENTS OF ACCOUNT, AND, S<
LEARN, ONLY TWO HAVE BEEN RECEIVED."

to say, controversy comes in. For there
are no fewer than three distinct schools
of spill-making, two of which un-
doubtedly disseminate heresy. If I
am to be your mentor, you must fold.
Disregard all soft counsels in the direc-
tion of rolling, and fold, fold, fold.
Spills, it must be remembered, should
not be too long or too thick. One
side of a sheet of ordinary octavo note-
paper should make two serviceable
specimens. The method which I advo-
cate and shall never depart from is to
tear the sheet in half, downwards, and
then fold the two halves, long-ways,
into four folds, firmly pressing the edges
with the thumb-nail. Those who, all
mistaken and astray, favour the rolling
system require rather larger pieces of
paper and therefore are less economical,
or, if you prefer it, patriotic, than I.

There is also a third party, utterly
obscurantist, pinning its faith- to
aggrandised form of rolled

their function has been fulfilled and put
them back in their receptacle to be

used again ; but
them on the fire.

most people throw
I put them back.

resort to any advertised system) com- 1 sembling an alpenstock

spill re-
length,

Another Anti-Aircraft Weapon.
FRENCH BRING DOWN SIX GERMAN

AEROPLANES.
CLEARING THE Am.

EFFECT OF THE PREMIER'S SPEECH.''
Edinburgh Evening Dispatch.

FEUILLETON8 IN WAR TIME.
I Io loves her, and proposes, but annoyed
at his manner, she refuses him, though she
really lobes him . . .

Frank Heatherly sank into the chair by his
desk, his face oddily pale . . .

His whole instant was to tear the instrument
from its place and fling it on tho ground 50.
Di dhe fool hink he was made of money ?
(Do not miss Monday's instalment.) "
Daily Paper.

Wo certainly shall not; though we
hardly expect the present form to be
maintained.

. I \NCAHY

I'.HH.I

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAHIVARI.

Ifl

THE DUTY OF THE DIARIST.

["The Iliary is .1 form of literary Mtivit]
in which the competition of the great is not

l,o ! f.-aivcl. A nre;it lmlll |,. ls Ile jth r the
1,'isuro nor the inclination to roconl the evenl-
of his time. Ho leaves that to others, and ii
wo can only become personally acquainted wiih
jN-ople \vho-e :;:i\ ings mid doings arc worth pre-
serving, there is no reason \vh\ we should not
all lie successful diarists." OtOtKDtr.

l,oN<i haunted by a vaguo dosiro

Of literary fame,
I iu( lacking themes to lend me fire

Or clarify my aim,
At last I am relieved of doubt ;
No more I grope and beat about
The bush ; I've learned the true way
out

A Diary 's the game !

One great advantage of this mode

Of labouring with the pen
I learu is this : you take a road

Untrod by famous men ;
They haven't time to note or jot
Down interesting things red-hot
(Though PKPYS and GBEVJLLE, MOOKK
and SCOTT

All did it now and then).

Again, if anxious to succeed,

You need not cut a dash
By tilting at each cult and creed

Or venturing on rash
Predictions of the race you "11 run
Pope, Caesar, Devil all in one ;
That sort of diary was done

To death by MARIE BASH.

But while you need not be a star

To be a Diarist,
The method will not take you far

Without the proper grist ;
In other words, you 've got to mix
With people who have gifts or tricks,
Whoso views on life and politics

Deserve an annalist.

Here The Observer's counsel ends ;

The problems still remain,
How to acquire these brilliant friends

Who common folk disdain ;
How one whose intellect is dim
Can work his way into the swim
The world where wisdom, wit and
whim

And " all the talents " reign.

No matter ; though I 'm growing grey,

And though my friends are few,
And for the things they do or say

Unnoticed hitherto,
Who knows but I may hail the birth
Of some new minister of mirth,
Borne village WILCOX, or unearth
A rival to LE QUEUX !

Food in Egypt.

, " In the afternoon the Sultan received
Conte do Scrionne, who presented to His
Highness three of the principal officials of the
Suet Ciuui." Egyptian

Orderly Officer. "WHAT AUK YOUB OKDEKS?"

******

FOR THE CHILDREN.

Mr. Punch ventures to plead on be-
half of the pitiful case of those poor
children who are suffering from air-
raid shock. For every child that has
been wantonly killed by the Huns,
many score have suffered terrible in-
jury to their minds and nerves. For
these innocent victims of cruelty a home
has been opened at Chailey, in the lovely
Sussex Weald. It is named after St.
Nicholas, the patron saint of children.
Hero they are given the chance of re-
covering strength, courage and happi-
ness. In fine weather they learn garden-
ing and nature study, and indoors they
sing and dance :uul have stories told to

them. Mr. Punch is confident that
many of his readers, if only out of
gratitude for the greater safety which
their owu children enjoy, as compared
with poorer ones in humble and more
exposed conditions, will generously re-
spond to his appeal. Gifts should be
addressed^to the Hon. 'Treasurer, St.
Nicholas Homo for Kaid-Shock Chil-
dren, Chailey, Sussex.

Our Heroes.

Mr. Seymour Hicks is the hero of the week .
He is now admitted to be the author of th.-
English version of 'Faisous uu revc,' which
was produced at the St. Martin's Theatre on

Holiday night." Sunday Chra.

The fighting services must not imagine
i that i 'jnopoly of heroism.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [JANUABY 16. 1918.

THE BALLAD OF GODSON'S BEARD.

I 'LL tell you a yarn of a sailor-man with a face more fierce
than fair . .,

Who got round that on the Navy's plan by hiding it all

with hair; . ...

Ho was ono of a hard old sailor-breed and had lived his

life at sea, , , ,

But he took to the beach at the nation's need and fought

with the E.N.D.
Now Brigadier-General Blank's Brigade was tidy and neat

and trim,
And the sight of a heard on his parade was a bit too mue

for him.
What is that," said he with a terrible oath, "of all that

is wild and weird?"

Vnd the Staff replied, " A curious growth, hut it looks very
like a heard."

And the General said, " I have seen six wars and many a

ghastly sight,
Fellows with locks that gave one shocks and buttons none

too bright, . _

But never a man in my Brigade with a face all fringed

with fur;
And you '11 toddle away and shave to-day "but Godson

said, " You err.

For 1 don't go much on wars as such, and living with

rats and worms,
And you ought to be glad of a sailor-lad on any old kind

of terms ;
While this old beard of which you 're skecred it stands foi

a lot to mo,
For the great North gales and the sharks and whales and

the smell of the dear grey sea."

New Generals
behave,

crowded to the spot and urged him to

But Godson said, " You talk a lot, but can you make me

shave ?
For the Navy allows a beard at the bows, and a beard is

the sign for me
That the world may know, wherever I go, I belong to the

King's Navee."

They gave him posts in distant parts, where few might see

his face,
Town Major jobs that break men's hearts and billets a

the Base;
But whenever he knew a fight was due he hurried there bj

train,
And when he 'd doue for every Hun they sent him off again

Then up and spake an old sailor, " It seems you can't 'av

'eared,
Begging your pardon, General Blank, the reason of this sarn

beard ;
It's a kind of a sart of a camyflarge, and that I take t

mean
A thing as 'ides some other thing wot oughtn't to b

seen.

" And I 've brought you this 'ere photergraph of wot

vsed to be

Afore he stuck that fluffy muck about 'is phyzogmy."
The General looked and, fainting, cried, " The situation

grave,
Tho beard was bad, but, Kamerad I he simply must no

shave I "

nd now, when the thin lines bulge and sag and man goes

down to man,

great black beard like a pirate's flag flies ever in the van;
nd I 've fought in many a red-hot spot where death was

the least men feared,
lut I never saw anything quite so hot as the Battle of

Godson's Beard. A - *" **.

HEART-TO-HEART TALKS.

Marshal HINDEXBVHQ and Herr BALLIXO/ the Ilambunj-
Amerika Line.) .

Herr Ballin. I trust, Marshal, that-this time rumour has
ome small foundation of truth.

Marshal Ilindenburg. I don't know what particular one
mong the thousand rumours you refer to, but if I might
e allowed I should advise you to disbelieve them all.

B. But this is a rumour that grows stronger every day,
ince it is very pleasant to the ears of those who hear it.
t declares that peace is already on the way, there being
low a broad basis for negotiation.

II. That rumour I advise yu to believe less than any of
he others. Not if I can help it shall there he negotiations
or peace until we have achieved a complete and crushing
victory over all our foes, and especially over England.

B. A pleasant prospect indekl you hold out to us. For

hree years and a half we have poured blood and treasure

nto your military' machine. Millions of our best and

jravest have gone to feed your ambition and that of your

master, and of our hardly-earned substance but little is

eft. Things cannot go on like this. We have secured the

illiance of Austria, Turkey and Bulgaria, which means

hat, in addition to defending ourselves, we are forced to

defend them too. So well have you and your friends

nanaged affairs that we are hated and opposed by the rest

of the world ; and all that has been won for us by a whole

;eneration of industry lies about us in ruins ; and even if

we were to win the victory you speak of we should find it

almost impossible to keep a place among the nations of

the world.

II. This is fine talk for a loyal German subject. Your duty-
is to obey when the KAISEB commands, and not to oppose
your petty interests to his will. Germany above everything.
B. That, I suppose, is the reason why you added America
to our enemies. It was not enough that we should have
;o tight England and France and Italy, but you and your
"riends must seize America, unwilling as she was, and drag
her into the conflict. You pretend to laugh at America
and talk of fighting her with the Potsdam Fire Brigade;
but I know Americans and you do not, and I tell you it
was a black day for Germany when you forced America to
take her stand against us.

II; You had better leave policy alone and go back to your
ships, which perhaps you understand.

B. My ships! Where are they ? What has become of
them? They, with everything else that made Germany
respected, have been thrust into the fire, and nothing is left.
H. The army is left, and so long as we have that I fear
nothing.

B, The army ! The army ! I tell you I am tired of all
your heel-clicking and sword-rattling, and there are many
who agree with me. What is the use of your army to us
if all our industry is to perish and we aro to live for ever
in a circle of enemies? Even in Russia you cannot make
any progress, and so it is everywhere. You win a little,
and then you are checked, and it is all to begin over again.
And then, when the basis for an honourable peace is
suggested, all you can do is to cry for everlasting war.

[Left wrangling.

TANI-AUY 16, 1918.]

PUNCH, OR TIIK LONDON CIIARIVAIU.

THE QUEUE HABIT.

Old Lady (to post-office clerlt), "Do YOU HAPPEN TO BE ABLE TO OBLIGE MB WITH A STAMP THIS Monxiuo, Miss?

WITH A COUPLE OF POSTCARDS IF YOU 'BE NOT OUT OF THEM."

AND I COCLD DO

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)
No library of works about the War can be considered
decently equipped without a copy of The Complete
Despatches of Lord French, which, beautifully printed
(in a limited edition) by the Westminster Press and illus-
trated with excellent maps and portraits, to which is added
a full list of " mentions," have been published by Messrs.
CHAPMAN AND HALL. Even a layman has the right to admire
the simple and restrained idiom, the orderly arrangement,
the essential modesty of these despatches. Two qualities
of the well-loved Commander who bore the shock of the
most desperate days of the War stand in especial relief
generosity in his tributes to his subordinate commanders,
and tact in dealing with the difficulties and inevitable dis-
appointments of liaison, such as the " most unexpected
message " from General JOFFRB as to the overwhelming
advance of the German divisions on the eve of the retire-
ment from Mons, and the "fatigue" of General SOBDET'S
horses. Of Sir DOUGLAS HAIO and his divisional and
brigade commanders, the Field-Marshal, in a rare de-
parture from the plain level of his narrative, says, " Words
fail me to express the admiration I feel for their conduct,
or my sense of the incalculable services they rendered [at
the first battle of Ypres] . I venture to predict that their
deeds during those days of stress and trial will furnish
some of the most brilliant chapters which will be found in
the military history of our time." Of the poison gas at
the second battle of Ypres this verdict is worth remember-

ing : " As a soldier I cannot help expressing the deepest
regret and some surprise that an army which hitherto has
claimed to be the chief exponent of the chivalry of war
should have stooped to employ such devices against brave
and gallant foes." It must be good to have bean called to
such a burden, to have carried it so finely, to have recorded
the story of it witli such a simple candour.

It is not to be denied that Mr. HABBY TIGIIK has at least
the courage of his convictions. These teach him that
women are as sheep, happiest in following the well-worn
path marked out for them by generations love, matrimony,
maternity. The book that he has written to prove them is
called, inevitably, The Sheep Path (WESTALL). Its heroine,
Arethusa Mr. TIGHE is clearly a counter - revolutionist ;
none other could have dared such a name! is shown
hesitating between love in the commercial equivalent of a
cottage, and 800 a year with the encumbrance of a
middle-aged husband. A conquering passion for plenty of
butter with her bread (it 's all right ; this is a pre-war tale)
drives Arethusa to turn her back on tho sheep-path and
choose Jonathan Jones and comparative affluence. Tho
result shows Mr. TIGHB as an author with a very real gift
of observation ; the development of Arethusa from girl to
womanhood, and the whole relations of the wife and her
husband are quite admirably drawn ; the story here is at
its best, sympathetic and sure in scenes wlicro it would
have been fatally easy to blunder. In the end, of course,
Arethusa returns a ses moutons. Widowed and im-
poverished (I had frequently suspected that winter in

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANUARY 10, 1918.

Homo and a villa at Portofino must be stretching the eight
hundred dangerously thin) she takes up again her old
work and the love she rejected in chapter one, thus
providing a tine exception to the rule about eating your
cake ami having it. Mr. TIGHK lias written a clever and
sincere story, on which I congratulate him heartily, with,
however, an entreaty that in his next lie will guard against
a slovenly use of English that gives cause to the judicious
to grieve and obscures his real talent.

There is a story of an English author who, on arriving at
Khartoum, informed the Governor that he could only stay
for forty-eight hours, but that he wanted "to get at the
back of the Arab mind." Mrs. T. P. O'CONNOR, though
she hails from Texas, where they live and act quickly, and

Calder and its people, Mr. WATSON changes to a note o!
grave beauty that makes the end of his book unexpectedly
impressive. There is no great matter of plot, except the
love of two men for a delicate girl a middle-aged ministei
and the young son of a rich Southerner who is trying to
buy out the girl's father. These two parents, by the way,
are excellently drawn foils : the old laird, a dreamer, un-
practical, beaten on all sides by circumstance; and the
climbing opportunist, who bends circumstance to his own
ends and watches, not unsympathetically, the futile struggl
of his antagonist. But the book abounds in good porf raits.
It lias atmosphere, too, so that you can all but feel the keen
damp air, full of peat and ling scents, that seems to blow
through its pages. And by his art Mr. WATSON can repro-
duce not only the wild landscapes of Scotland, but the

though she stayed for more than a year in Ireland, does not I tenderness and the unconscious humour of her people. In

profess to have got at the
back of the Irish Question in
Herself Ireland (HuTCHiN-
SON), but she has fallen in love
with the country and written
a lively, enthusiastic and dis-
cursive record of her impres-
sions. She was pleased with
everything and everybody ex-
cept Belfast and the Dublin
slums and the Dublin Corpora-
tion and the publicans. Poli-
tics and politicians, she tells
us, leave her cold ; but there
is little doubt as to her sym-
pathies, though she does not
jbtrude them aggressively.
Dublin was her head-quarters,
jut she visited Limerick and
alway, Cork and Killaruey,
as well as the North, conversed
with all manner of people, re-
vives old stories and legends,
describes the art treasures of
Dublin and the wonders of its
ioo, re-discovers SWIFT and
STELLA," and devotes the
jest part of a chapter on Irish
vit to anecdotes of Father
IEALY. (She has omitted,
lowever, one of his best say-
ngs, of a very tall young lady
named Lynch: "Nature gave her an inch, but she took
an L.") It is a vivacious, unmethodical chronicle, rich in
digressions, personal and even intimate sketches of her
friends and travelling companions, shrewd remarks and not
a little guide-book padding. Her tone is mainly uncritical,
which is the safest way in dealing with Ireland at present,
and she is not always accurate. For example, Parknasilla,

short, his variety of heather-
mixture is as attractive as any
I have met.

" RUSSIA IS DOOMED, SlB DOOMED ! "
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY 'DOOMED'?"
"NEVER MIND WHAT I MEAN, SIR.
MEAN BUT WHAT I BAY THAT MATTERS."

as
and

[ have good reason to know, is not situated on a low cliff ;

3 Mrs. O'CONNOR'S reproduction of the brogue is more
vigorous than faith ful. But criticism is disarmed by her frank
admission of her limitations and her modest comparison of
her book to the hors d'nuwc served before a banquet.

One might perhaps pardonably say of Mr. FREDERICK
WATSON that, as the son of IAN ' MACI.AREN, he had been
sducated in the Kailyard school. What use he made of
this upbringing he has already proved, and now does so
"gain with his new story, Children of Pasxngc (Mr.TurKx)
It is a tale of Scotland and of Scots' folk, told with a very
pleasant charm of style and much quiet fun, at least in the
earlier chapters ; later, when the world- tragedy falls upon

The Heritage of Elisa
(ARNOLD) is concerned with
a question which I suggest
for discussion in cellars and
tubes, or wherever people con-
gregate and are allowed to
argue. Eli.ii; was a girl of the
streets, and Roger Arkwrii/lit,
a young man of philanthropic
instincts (but cautious withal),
suddenly discovered that she
was his cousin and entitled to
the millions which he had in-
herited. What ought he to do?
i On the spur of the moment you
I would say that there is only one
! thing to do. But once begin to
think it over, with Miss MARY
J. H. SKRINE to state the case,
and there is another side to it.
However, she evades the issue
by killing off Elise. True that
Roger was on the point of re-
vealing tho secret to her, but
the fact remains that he did
not. Nevertheless this much
stands to Miss SKIUNE'S credit,
that ono does not condemn
Roger as a mere mercenary, but recognizes and appreciates
his motives. It is a thoughtful tale, and though its subject
is not too pleasant the seriousness with which it is treated
saves it from tho fear of offence. The most dramatic touch
comes at the end, when Elise, in ignorance of her wealth,
bequeaths all she possesses to a benevolent and broad-
minded parson, who finds the will and tears it up. Roger
had some luck.

A Further Sex- Problem.
"A GIANT DAIRY BULL.

Another hull of iho late Mr. George Taylor's breeding was Darlington
Cranford 48th, which gave 763 gallons in ten months." Local Paper.

" William , grocer, was fined 40s. for selling war bread iniiiimvd

containing 93.08 per cent, of Epsom salts, which a medical officer
declared was injurious to health." Liverpool /M.
The idea was sound, but overdone.

IT'S NOT WHAT I

In a description of the attacks by German aviators on the
ancient monuments of Padua The. I'.ill Hall Gazette men-
tions "the damage done to the basilisk of Saint Antoine."
It seems an odd pet for a Christian saint to keep.

JANI-ARY 23, 1'JIH.]

PUNCH, OR TUB LONDON cir.MMVAIM.

ngly dillicult to keep it free from
i rincs and other impuri

*.*

The War Otlico has commandeered
t he French Gallery, Tall Mall, where tho
MATTHK.W Muns Exhibition is being
hel<l, just to show the Air Ministry
that that sort of thing can !
those who know how.

Whisky must not be suld now by
auction without permission of the FOOD
CONTROU.KH. A very small quantity
may still be obtained by priva'e en-

'!'::> YYarinm^ter County Cour.t 1ms
held that the Post Ottico is not liable
for the contents of registered letters.
The silly public of course thinl.s it is,

CHARIVARIA.

" LMT u.s return," said Sir At CKI,ANI>
( 1 KIM IMS," to the faith of our fall icrs and
recognise that by the sea we live."
That 's certainly what they do at

Brighton, where the raid-funkers go.

* *

A Hussian youth appealed to tho
Law Society Tribunal last week for
exemption on the ground that ho is an
anarchist. The occasion when he calls
the Sergeant -Major "comrade" is
ily looked forward to.

* *

A black Leghorn hen belonging to
i gentleman in the suburbs has laid an
weighing five ounces. Since his
good fortune we understand that he
has been overwhelmed with offers of
marriage.

Writing to Tin' Kccnimj
\VN-.S- the HOT. 1". -L Conor. H
states that he has invented
an instrument by which ho
'.mid detect transmission of
force oven in a hen's egg.
This of course is much better
than shaking tho egg at
i ne's ear and shouting,

" Are you there '.' "

* *

i i

The latest news from
Brest- Litovsk seems to in- j
dicate that the KAISEB!
desires peace, at any rate
for the duration of the War.

*'.' ':'

"Soldiers alone can de-
cide the War," said a Ger-
man Socialist in a recent
-q >i -eeli. It is not known
\\hether this is a slap at
Mr. TROTSKY or Mr. HILAIRE BET.LOC. 'and no doubt the illusion is well worth
:: '.,. * the extra twopence.

A prisoner who was recently con-

Ic \\ellory valued at several hundred
pounds has heeu stolen from a High
Holborn ]' by burglars, who

smashed tin- ; . 1 lock of the shop. It

'y that thieves do not,
cise a little more thought for ot
Now, of course, the, jeweller has to buy
allot her lock.

Young j;i. '/-.mi-lie are said

to have grown beards lo avoid military
si rvicc, but there i to believe

that Sir An KI.\NH Gi:inu:s \\ill shortly
comb them out. , f +

tagiod of I he quoin; habit is
iing in unexpected directions. At
Stoke Newington there were three hun-
dred and fifty applications for a baby
offered for adoption. ^ ...

/';(.: Pessimist.
FKHHUAUV."

If I-'i:iuti:u:r r.n.r. <;/:/.> JILIII:!''

victed at Liverpool confessed to one
hundred and seventy-three cases of
housebreaking. It is from men of this
class that our professional criminals

most, frequently recruited.

* Xc

Tho price of skinned rabbits has been
feed at one shilling and ninepenco;
imskinned, they may be sold at two
shillings per musquash.

;;.

Special measures are being taken at
Funchal to deal with any further at-
tempt to bombard tho port. Tho idea
of confusing tho Huns by sending men
:i in small boats to make a u<'i--o like
;i Madeira cake is said to have been
sfully developed.

The Great Eastern Railway announces
t hat after February 1st it will no longer

>1\ sea-water. It has become in- 1 settling (Town.

" I appeal to every butcher," says a
leading glycerine manufacturer, "to
place a notice in his window stating
he will pay his customers a halfpenny
a pound for bones." Still it is a poor
bargain for the customer who has just

paid a shilling a pound for them.

* *

According to a lecturer at Kensing-
ton Town Hall, workmen came out on
strike in Egypt so far back as fifteen
hundred years ago. Mr. BAKNKS wishes
it to be known that no charge against
Mr. WINSTON- riinicinr.r, is indicated
in this connection.

A quarter of a pound of butter was
f'..-:nd in a turnip field tho other day.
Asked what he proposed to do, the
finder stated his intention of taking

At Hitchin a woman was
cooking a sausage when it
dissolved into liquid. Ex-
ports regard this as a great
advance upon the old -
fiishiotied sort; which sim-
ply exploded.

The Mayor of Tiverton,
Devon, has sold bis motor-
car and bought a donkey
and cart. Every possible
precaution is being taken
at the Guildhall to conceal
the news from the LORD
MAYOR'S coachman.

A fish measuring sixteen
feet in length has been
washed ashore near Fresh-
ni*h Point. An American
visitor writes to say that
it is certainly the largest
whitebait he has seen in this country.

I ji to now t.ln- .-. Hi -.inner has been without
a mouthpiece." Globe.

Very clever of him to consume at all in
the circumstances.

" \VharnclilTu War Hospital, Middlcwood rd.,

Sheffield (South Yorkshire Asylum). Attend-

ants Wanted for duration of war ; men not

eligible for the army; wages 35, increasing

,uall\ to B80."

Daily Ttle,jrai>h.

Frankly, we shrink from this estimate
of the duration.

" The honorary freedom of the Feltuiakcrs'
forrod, this moruiiiK. at the
Guildhall, London, upon a largo number of
prominent men . . .

Tii' 1 principal mourners were . . .

The funeral arrangements were carried out

by , Ltd., Newcastle."

PrarincirtJ Paper.

a. cottage in the iieighbourhood and It seems to have been a melancholy

vor..

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANUARY 23, 1918.

ENGLAND'S CALL TO THE RABBIT.

COMK out, come out, and play the game;

i;,.!(ily v;u-ate your I)UITO\V ;
Slack not nor shirk for very shame,

I ',ut Iw your watchword" Thorough" ;

Step forth M briskly as you can
Ami face the mus\c like a man.

Stay not, to share the Cutlibert's fate,
But chuck your role of coward ;

\Ve watch you, knowing well how great
The sacrifice and how hard ;

In all your paws your courage take

And do your turn for England's sake.

Shiill she, the land that gave you birth,
Go short of food and sicken '.'

She needs you for her hollow girth
Disguised as curried chicken ;

Come, ere the precious hour is lost,

And join our patriot holocaust.

We are prepared to comb you out

By way of fuse or ferret,
But you would sooner earn, no doubt,

The meed of willing merit
Posthumous knighthood (K.B.E),
Or damehood, as the case may be.

Yonder the Boy-Scout waits to shoot

(Dulce pro patria mori ! ) ;
Give him the moribund's salute

And rush to death and glory,
Passing, amid ecstatic Cheeros,
Straight to Valhalla's hall of heroes.

And should the errant scatter-gun
Wherewith he hopes to hit you

Misjudge your swiftness as you run,
Halt and remain in situ,

And let him pop and pop and pop

Until you ultimately drop.

Or, if you have no strong desire

To meet a death so messy,
And feel that in a noose of wire

Your corpse would look more dressv,
Insert your neck within a trap
It 's all the same to ARTHUR YAPP.

So shall your valour save the race
And strike the KAISER stony ;

And o'er your carcase, singing grace,
We '11 bless the name of coney,

And say, " His end was very good ;

He died as British rabbits should."

The Order of Precedence New Style.
"The aim of the Committee on Wool Textile
Production is not to enable every man, from
the dustman clown to the duke, to "clad himself
in Government-controlled apparel. ''

Men's Wear.

A Very Irregular Verb: Bolo, Bol-
shevi, Boschero, Bustum.

" The water supplies have been largely shut
off, and milk was distributed by the fanners
with difficulty." Evening News.

We deprecate these insinuations.

THE MUD LARKS.

A JAI- halibut fisher who landed at :
Big Silver Camp four years ago told '
mo that ho found a family of skunks
housekeeping in the office and a grizzly
licking berries off a bush by the engine-
shed.

In my day it was a lusty camp.
Two hundred and seventy there were
of us on the pay-roll, men of all nations,
nesting, like cormorants, on cliff ledges
high above the Pacific surf.

Big Silver, king of the Coast Range,
loomed over us, forest-flanked, snow-
bonnetted, his hoary head, like that
of Mr. W. B. Y HATS' friend, "hid among
a crowd of stars."

It was a pleasant camp in summer.
Gulls swooped and cried about the
crane head; seals sunned themselves
on the flat rocks below the cliffs; now
and again on the lazy swell seaward
a whale would blow. But in winter
it was altogether another story. The
Pacific woke out of its trance and sent
its white horses charging landward in
foaming squadrons that nearly shook
our little shacks off their perilous
perches.

liain fell for weeks on end; snow
buried us six foot under. Winter on
that coast was, in the vivid language of
the West, "a ring-tailed snorter."

1 lived in a six-bunk shack known
as " Little Dublin " along with a brace
of machine men, a powder monkey and
Mike Duggan, the shifter.

We were "all-white" in "Little
Dublin" and very exclusive, and, as
we saw nobody who came up to our
dizzy standard, the sixth bunk remained
empty all the summer.

Mike Duggan was the bright star
of our galaxy. He was the best type
of Western "rough neck," six foot of
wire and raw hide, humour and effi-
ciency. He had prospected from the
Arctic Circle to Mexico, from Korea to
the Porcupine. When a " mucker " put
his pick into a missed hole and all was
flying rock, blackness and groans it
was Mike's cool voice ringing through
the inferno that kept the Dagos from
stampeding.

When the Camp Liar told a tale of
the cold on Hudson's Bay that froze
the steam at a kettle's spout into a
bubble of ice it was Mike who had put
out a fire in Alaska by chopping the
frozen flames off the back of a stove
with an axe. I never saw a situation
he couldn't master or heard a yarn he
couldn't cap.

When the first frost of winter nipped
us by the nose Mike cast his eye on
the empty bunk and voted that it be
filled. "The more the warmer," said
he. We were in complete agreement;

but who should be the lucky man?
" I low about John the .Bohunk?" he
asked. \Ve stared at him, aghast. A
Bohunk ! A wild, jabbering foreign
animal from some dark Central Euro-
pean hinterland, who in his natural
state had very probably dressed in
woad and hair, slept in a tree, devoured
his young and drunk his bath-water.
Such a one in " Little Dublin," the all-
white, the exclusive! We told Mike
that he had gone mad, or, speaking the
language of the land, had ants in his
attic, bats in his belfry. He let us
have our hiss, all of us; then, when our
steam was spent, calmly proceeded.

" Listen, you mutts. Winter has
done arrived and somebody 's potter do
bull-cook round this joint, sweep the
floor, shovel the drifts, tote wood, light
the stove and keep her roarin'. Whose
goin' to do it? You? He'.' Any of
us ? No, sirree, we 're all too high-fed
and noble-minded. Now I 've been
takin' account of this yer John, and
he's just a poor, simple ignorant
Bohunk with one bug in his bonnet
and that is to bo mistaken for a white
man. We '11 have the silly dub in
here, make out to learn him how to
behave white, and in return he does the
chores, all of 'em. Does it go? "

We made a show of objecting, but
Mike was Mike, and next night the
sixth bunk was no longer empty. Our
victim was originally a denizen of
Hungary, I believe, but we made no
subtle racial distinctions in the Nortb-
West; all that was not white, Dutch
or Dago was Bohunk to us. He was
a squat touzled creature, with bow
legs, hairy paws and the pathetic eyes
of an Aberdeen terrier, ever upturned
to his hero, Mike, in dog-like devo-
tion.

If anyone ever had to work his way
through college it was that wretched
Bohunk. Never did the door open but
an avalanche of snow fell within. A
trail of slush followed every pair of
boots across the floor. The stove was
tricky to light and a glutton when lit ;
a night's supply of fuel necessitated at
least six trips to the \vood-pile, fifty
yards away down the cliff path. And
all these details had to be faithfully
attended to by the Bohunk in return
for the inestimable advantages he was
receiving by living in our company.
Sometimes when the so-called Pacific
was booming against the jettv with
exceptional fury and the Behring gale
whooping like a drunken cow-puncher
down the stove-pipe he would falter,
turn sulky and mumble that it was
someone else's turn to tote wood. Then
we would shake our heads sadly and
tell him what a disappointment he was
to us after all our trouble. "Gee,

PUNCH, OK THE LONDON GHAUIVARI. JANUAUT 23. 1918.

OUT OF CONTROL.

LORD EHONUDA. -MY NEXT ILLUSION, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IS THE ONE-AND-
NINEPENNY BABBIT. I NOW DROP THAT SUM INTO THE HAT, AND IN ITS PLACE
THE BABBIT WILL " [Babbit disappears.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

I \NUAUY '23, 1918.

*iM : : ! lil ywfWIffl m ' \& i < }

Yoi '1.1. I,K i-j.u KIM; ix ABOUT I.IKK A I.-OU.NTAI.N

John," we would sigh, "it's evident
you 're still just a common ordinary
Bohunk, with no ambition to better
yourself;" then, turning from him
in despair, exchange reminiscences of
imaginary Bohunks we had met in
fictitious camps who by acts of heart-
rending self-sacrifice had put their
Bohunkhood from them and become
white, even as we. The poor devil would
bear it as long as possible, then with a
sobbed, " Me go, me go me John, no
dam Bohunk," he would dive out of the
door and disappear, and Mike Duggan
would close one twinkling blue eye.

I do not know if John achieved merit
Did was formally admitted to the great
VMnto Brotherhood with the Spring
when the toting of wood became no
onger necessary), for I went South
>efore the thaw, and years rolled in
xstweeu myself and Big Silver Camp.
3ut not long ago I met Mike Duggan
igam. There is no coincidence in this ;
J ranee has drawn all the wandering
eet of the young men.

Horace Algernon Fox-Forsythe, who

vas last seen in a state of nudity

putting pearl shell on a sloop off the

i- AwhipaJago, is now cook and.

captain too of abargeouthc La Bassge

; Canal. " Pip " Vibart, chief of staff to
j Pancho Villa in that Libertador's most
; lucrative filibustering excursions, is
now an A. P.M. and the terror of evil-
; doers in his corps' area. The Lost
j Legion has 'listed at last.

I found Mike Duggan amid a litter
of pumps, piping, drills, windlasses!
and thigh boots, sergeant of a Canadian
, Mining Company. He dragged rue
into his bivouac, thrust mo into the
j sole chair, produced some Belgian
cigars from a bandolier and some rye-
whisky from a case marked "High
Explosives," and we drank to the old
days and our continued good health.
"Darned if my flunkey ain't gone an'
i let the stove out consaru him ! " said
j Mike, hammering on the shanty wall
with a^level rod. " 1 11 wake the cuss
iiq). Take another bito at the snake-

juice, Jim boy. Well, how 's this Intor-
; national Free-for-All usin' you ? Me,
I'm salubrious, enjoyin' every minute
Of it. I'm like a natural drunkard
what s had to put up with live-cent
Ix'crs all his life bein 1 suddenly let loose
Hi a brewery. We useter think we 'd
aid somullnn' to write mother about if

we d shot a dozen six-foot Burley holes
m the old days, didn't us ? Forget it !

Obliterate them memories ! Nowadays,
old timer, I touch off T.N.T. an'
ammonal by the hundred-weight, by
the ton, and lay blame hills over oil
their backs. Gosh ! they '11 haveter re-
write their maps of Yurrop when 1 Ve
done with her; I'll lift her lid off.
Dodgast that yerlackey, he ain't brin^ed
the wood yet."

He took up the level rod and be-
laboured the wall once more . " That
oughter fetch him. Say, Jim, was you
at Messines ? No ? Well, you should
of. One of them little- eruptions was
pushed by Michael P. Duggan. Some
of that ridge was wafted into France,
some into Holland, some is still on its
way. Great sufferin' snakes, but it was
a hi-yu skookum up-lift ! Oh, there
you are at last, \Vhite-wings, Greased
Lightning!' This last to the erring
batman, who had entered with an
armful of fuel. As the man bent over
the stove the lamplight struck his face
and, jumping to my feet, I held out a
glad hand.

"By Jove, if it isn't old John Bo
"Brown," prompted Mike, "John
Brown."

" Well, how 's John Brown V " I said
' Plenty dam fine and dandy, Jim,"

.lANU-AUY

1!)1H.]

PUNCH, Oil TUB LONDON C!l MMVAIM.

he stammered, grinning ;uul wriggling
\vitli embarrassment. Then treeing his
|,;i.\\ I'nii y grasp lie nipi>ed the

ribbon oil Ills' chest :ilid tilt: t\\o gold
stripes on his sleeve with a hairy foro-
!ing<-r. ".Mo .John, plenty dam good
uhite man iioir not '.'

Vu belcher," said Mike and I
ber, speaking the language.

I'ATI.ANOKR.

CHILDREN OF CONSOLATION.

BY the red road of storm and stress,
Their fathers' footsteps trod,

They coino, a cloud of witnesses,
The messengers of God.

Cradled upon some radiant ^leam,
Like living hopes they lie,

The rainbow beauty of a dream.
Against a stormy sky.

Before the tears of love were dried,
Or anguish comfort knew,

The gates of homo were opened wide
To let the pilgrims through.

Pledges of faith, divinely fair,
From peaceful worlds above,

Against the onslaught of despair
They hold the fort of love.

A WAR SACRIFICE.

WHKN at the beginning of the year
my wife suggested that we should both
make a further war economy, I had no j
ditliculty in deciding what to do. I'
determined at once to give up smok- !
ing. The resolution, momentous as it j
was, cost me little effort. Naturally a j
man of strong will, I have long accus- ,
lomed myself to acts of self-denial, !
particularly in connection with my ;
smoking career. For the last ten years j
I have on each 1st of January definitely
forsworn tobacco for the future in
Bverj form, and in 1916 I burnt my
pipes behind mo on at least four dif-
ferent occasions. A fairly good record,
you will agree.

My wife was dead against the idea.
She was sure I should never keep to
my resolution. Besides, she liked to
see mo smoking ; a man about the
house without a pipe in his month,
she said, always reminded her of a dog
without a collar. I confess that her
attitude surprised and pained me. But
was I, merely in order to give her the
pleasure of seeing me pulling at my
pipe, to go on spending on tobacco a
weekly sum which should have been at
the service of the country '.'

Finally I hit on a compromise. On
all occasions when 1 was not Actually
with my wife 1 would give up tobacco ;
but in order to seem to comply with her
wishes I would, when in her presence,
n-icntatiously smoke an occasional

l',;li<i/<Mjnc. " J'Aimixuiox, Jimu) IT.KSUN siN'.n.u:. I-LKAM:. '

pipe. Thus I should have the satis-
faction of feeling that I had made a
double sacrifice first, in conquering a
bad habit, and, secondly, in denying
myself, for my wife's sake, the total
abstention on which my heart bad been
set. You may judge of the amount of
hard thinking it cost me to reach this
decision when I tell you that, though I
started pondering on the problem imme-
diately after dinner, it was not till li \.M.
that I knocked the ashes out of my last
briar and went slowly up to bed.

On the following morning my wife
started her household duties as usual
by helping Jane to make tho beds. I
brought an easy-chair into the kitchen,

placed a pipe in readiness on the mantel
piece, and took a stroll in the garden till
she should come downstairs. Already I
was beginning to miss my \\ife terribly.
'A pang of regret shot through me as
I reflected how often I had neglected
her iu tho past. Life at the best was
'all too short. For tho future I would
make amends by spending as many of
its hour* as possible in her company.
1 was just on the point of going up-
stairs (with my pipe) to see if 1 could
help ber when she entered the kitchen.
I immediately sat down and lit up.

We spent a very happy three hour.-,
together in the kitchen, and at lunch I
suggested that it' 1 always sat there up

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANUARY 23, 1918.

to mid-day we might effect an economy
iu fuel, since there would bo no need to
hiive a study fire going. She seemed
a little doubtful about it, I thought,
but promised to give the matter her
consideration.

It is my wife's custom to rest a while
after lunch on the Chesterfield in the
drawing-room. As she does not allow
smoking there, I decided at first this
afternoon to go for another stroll in
the garden. But it was a cold raw
day, and soon I found myself inside
the house again. Something seemed to
impel mo irresistibly towards the draw-
ing-room door. I opened it softly
and listened. Yes, she was how shall
I put it ? she was breathing deeply. I
proceeded on tip-toe across the room,
sat down close by the fender and lit my
pipe. For an hour or so 1 sat there,
affectionately regarding the face of my

sleeping wife.
At last she

stirred. Within three

seconds I had stuffed my pipe into my
pocket, plunged into an armchair and
buried myself behind the newspaper.
She opened her eyes and started slightly
on seeing me.

" Is that you, Horace ? "
Yes," I answered truthfully.

and sniffed.

can

She sat up
smell smoke."

When presence of mind is needed I
am seldom at a loss. I sniffed too.
" Something burning in the kitchen ! "
I exclaimed, and, leaping up, I dashed
from the room.

It was on the eighth day, I think,
that my wife struck. Returning home
to tea that afternoon after a brisk
walk into the country, I found a note
for me on the hall table. She had
gone, she wrote, to stay (she hoped
snly temporarily, but the duration of
:ier visit depended on myself) with her
nother. Much as she loved me, she
'elt that there were limits to the num-
jer of hours that any husband, however
devoted, should spend in the society of
lis wife. She had guessed my secret,
she said, and proposed an alternative,
which was that I should reverse my
jrocedure and confine my smoking to
occasions when we were not together.

A DEAD LANGUAGE.

LOOKING decidedly worried, the young
French Lieutenant, after a rough pas-
sago along the corridor of the South-
ward-bound night express, precipitated
himself into the compartment occupied
by the English Colonel who had been
so polite to him at Edinburgh.

" Pardon, mon Colonel, millc -pardons!"
he gasped as the train, taking a curve
at high speed, playfully flung him on
top of the Colonel, who had been doz-
ing peacefully in a corner. " There is
danger," he added, saluting as he re-
gained his equilibrium.

The Colonel, shocked and breathless,
fortunately remembered that the French
are our Allies, and refrained from ex-
pressing his heartfelt opinions.

" It is my duty to report to you, my
Colonel, that there are two very sus-
picious characters travelling by this
train," the Lieutenant proceeded hastily
in his precise English, and paused dra-
matically. "I believe them to be Ger-
man spies, my Colonel, and I thought
you would wish to investigate," he
continued impressively, lowering his
voice. " They talk a strange language
which I cannot identify. It is neither
English, French, German nor Italian
I comprehend and speak all these
and each man has with him a bag of
strange tools or weapons."

" Humph ! Sounds mysterious," com-
mented the Colonel, now thoroughly
awake and quite interested. " Where
are these foreign workmen ? "

" They are not workmen, my Colonel,
and they are travelling by the first-
class in my compartment," explained

i I i- *

parted. He found on re-entering his own
compartment that his mysterious fellow
travellers were still engaged in an ani
mated discussion in their own tongue
The strange men merely glanced at th
Colonel when, a few minutes later, hi
entered the compartment and, having
successfully borrowed a match, sa
down beside the Lieutenant to listen.

" Art' the fourth tee ower the burrn ]
sclaffod my drive and had to tak' the
niblick to get oot," the stranger in the
hairiest and loudest suit was explaining
to his companion. " The' rough 's a
whins, but I put the ba' on the pretty
chanced a baffle shot although I 'd got
a hanging lie, and got a pull on it, bul
it just slithered ower the bunker on the
left o' the fairway the aue they ca' the
Maid.cn and the mashie took mo bang
up to the piu and I got a four. Halved
it, mind ye, and got a bogie after sclaff-

ing my drive."

'No' an
mented his

easy bogie
companion

either," com-
" but you get

the Lieutenant,
my suspicions.

That is what aroused
They are dressed

[f I would agree
come back to me.

to this she would

In a crisis where rapid and decisive
(as I just

action is imperative
now hinted) always

I am

at my best. I

eizod my hat, strode to the post-office
md telegraphed as follows : " Accept
uggested arrangement. All forgiven.
Please return immediately."

"Day Girl, age 15, strong, oner."

South Wales Kcho.

oor child! Only fifteen, and has
Iready had her day.

strangely also, these men, in grotesque
costumes. I think they are masquer-
ading as English sportsmen."

"They may be German spies," said
the Colonel, " disguised as English
sportsmen returning from their allot-
ments. Have you questioned them ? "

" One of the men endeavoured to
engage me in conversation, but I
could not understand well. He spoke
the English with what you call the
accent guttural, n'est-ce pas ? and
when I responded brusquely he com-
ments to his companion in his own
language. It is an extraordinary lan-
guage, my Colonel, interspersed with
words which sound like English."

" Probably one of the Scandinavian
tongues," said the Colonel thought-
fully. " I 'd like to have a look at the
fellows ^ and see what I can make of
"em. Go back to your

can
own

carriage

and I '11 come along in a few minutes,
ostensibly to ask you for a match."
The Lieutenant saluted again and de-

as far nearly wi' your mashie as I do
wi' my cleek."

" I used to play a fine shot with a
mashie-niblick myself." broke in the
Colonel, to the amazement of the
Lieutenant, and proceeded to converse
with the strangers in their own lan-
uage.

" Well, what do you make of them,
Sir? " inquired the Lieutenant eagerly,
half-an-hour or so later, when he had
followed the Colonel back to his com-
partment.

" One of them is a plus three man
and the other is scratch," the Colonel
answered absently. " They 've been at
Carnoustie. Once I did a ninety gross

there myself and I was
putting."

rather off my

He became aware of the fact that
the Lieutenant was gazing at him in
blank perplexity, and -he laughed.

" You don't understand even now.
Those chaps are survivals of a pre-war
period, and they 've made me feel quite
young again. It was a dead language
we were talking, Lieutenant. Jove !
I liked those baggy Harris tweeds, and
it brought back old memories to argue
about Dunlops and Challengers and
BRAID and VARDON."

"But but the language, my Colonel,"
inquired the Lieutenant, completely
mystified " what was the language ? "

" Golf, my friend, golf," said the
Colonel. " You should learn it ; but don't
use the idiomatic phrases in drawing-
rooms." ^

De War Spirit.

" Leading British Scientists, headed by Sir
Jauies De War and Professor Waynflete, have
issued a circular to Fellows of the Royal
Society, requesting them to renounce German
honours and degrees." Australian Paper.

28, 1918. PUNCH, Oil Till- l.n.\LM)N CHABIVARL

THE C.O. ; A MAN'S MAN.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANUAUV 23, 1918.

Docker (to Jack, who lias been silently regarding him). "Wor YEB STARIN' AT, NOSEY?"

Jack. "YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE SPOKE, MATE. I THOUGHT YOU WAS PART OF THE CAMMYFLAGE SCHEME."

MILDRED.

OH twine the empty cup with yew

\Vhcre once the godsend glistened !
Lone, lone amidst a shop-bought crew
There was one egg superbly new
And longed for; now there isn't.

The egg that Mildred used to lay !

How tenderly she tucked it
Each morn within its bed of hay,
When all her pals for many a day

Had got c6ld feet and chucked it.

But now by winter's icy trance

Poor Mildred too is smothered ;
And now at breakfast is no chance
To spot, to seize by bold advance,
The egg that Mildred mothered.

For always, having broached his shell

With mute but anxious features,
Someone would say, '! I am not well,"
And someone rise to ring the bell,
Crying, " Remove the creatures ! "

But always someone would bespeak

St. GKOBGK or else St. PATRICK,
And, helped by heavenly favour, sneak
The egg, the glorious eg'g. Last week
My uncle did the hat-trick.

But now no more, or not again

Till Mildred shall recover
The careless ease, the artist's vein ;
Both Susan and Eliza Jane

Think that she will, " Lor' lovelier! "

Then let us hang large cabbage stalks

For her to jump and eat 'em,
And charm her with instructive talks
And take her out long healthy walks
All around the arboretum,

And mix her puddings made of scraps

More succulent than over,
And tie her throat with many wraps
Till triumph at the last, perhaps,

Shall crown the great endeavour ;

Till hot-foot she shall come to say
"In accents arch and sprightly,
Something has fallen in the hay ! "

And, if the boon be mine that day,
I hope they '11 boil it lightly.

I EVOE.

"In a list of commodities required abroad
appears the following.:

' MACHINERY ron MAKING NOODLES.' "
Board of Trade Journal.
It seems superfluous. We have plenty
of noodles of natural growth, thank you.

Self-Determination intheWestern Area.

"Domestic Servant, age 32, tired of being
battered about, wants place where could have
few hours weekly for self-culture : good, clean,
careful, plain cook. No Registry or Nagging
Ladies uceda 1 pply."ManchestcrEvcningNeu's.

" Our peace-terms have been stated, and
with all their imperfections they are not so
bad as a democratic manifesto."

Mr. Afxoui BKXXETT.

Mr. BENNETT'S democratic " comrades"
will not thank him for his candour.

"A wholesale dealer at Smithfield told the
Central News that considerable harm is being
done by what he termed the ' exaggerated
statements as to supplies.' 'Some people
think that because they see a few Argentine
quarters in the market the supplies are more
than they really are.' He said. ' Such is not
the case.' " Westminster Gazette.
We had suspected it all along.

"On January 17 M. Eene Baziu, of the
French Academy, will speak on ' Anglais et
FraniJaJB ; les raisons que nous de nous aimer
les uns les raisons quo nous arons de nous
aimer les uns.' " The Observer.

We beg to assure M. BAZIN that, in
spite of appearances, our patriotic con-
temporary would be the last to wish to
upset the Entente.

I'CXCH, OK THi: r/>XI>ON ('HARIVARI.-JANL'AIIY 23, 191H.

AT LAST!

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CIIARIVAPJ.

MAN VARY '23, 1918.

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

Mvmltii/, JuiiiKiri/ Htli. The Theatre
Royal, Westminster, has resumed tlio
two - houses - a night" system. The
Lords, who have been putting in over-
time while tlie Commons were rest
iiif,', \\eiv again busy \vitli Woman's
Suffrage; in the Commons Sir Arck-
I.AND Cii:i)Di:s was in charge of the
Combine-out Hill.

Singularly unlike his brother, (lie
I. run en mi: ADMIRALTY, hoth
in voici- and mien, Sir ArcKLANn re-
sembles him in distrust of his oratorical
ability. What bo humorously called
his "notes" lay in a huge pile on the
brass bound box, and to them he stuck
most religiously for the hour-and a-half
that bis speech lasted.

It was a good speech, crammed full of
important facts and figures, and showed
that its author had thoroughly mastered
his difficult subject. But one could not
help wishing that, following the PRIME
MINISTER'S recent example, he bad
consulted Mr. ASQUITH that artist, in
condensation before he made it.

I am afraid, however, that Mr.
AsyrrrH, being a cautious man and
morbidly timid of Labour, would have
struck out the passage in which
Sir AUCKLAND, rising for once to his
full height, fulminated against the
young men sheltering in the shipyards
and munition factories who were quite
willing to let -their fathers light for
them and wounded men be sent to the
Front again and again.

When the DIRECTOR OF NATIONAL
SERVICE at last sat down, no one rose
from the Front Opposition Bench either
to criticise or to pay the usual compli-
ments to a Minister making his maiden
speech. Happily Mr. PRINGLE is equal
to any emergency and promptly tilled
the breach, though, needless to say, the
proportion of compliment to criticism
in bis remarks was as the poor penny-
worth of bread to the intolerable deal
of sack in Falslti/'.* tavern-reckoning.
His rebuke of some of the less judicious
obiter dictti in Sir AUCKLAND'S oration
there was a passage about casualties
and another about Russia which cer-
tainly would not have survived the
Asquitbian blue-pencil-was a little
like a certain gentleman rebuking Sin,
but in the main ib was a good debating
effort, and freer than usual from the
cocksureness which is the self-imposed
obstruction in the way of Mr. PKINGLE'S
Parliamentary progress.
^Tiif.'/iii!. .l,ii/iiiir// I ")///. In the
Upper Chamber a final effort was made
to defeat Woman's Suffrage. Lord
BBBBBFOBO supported the opposition,
not because he thinks women indifferent
to politics, but because he fears they

will take to them too kindly. He drew
a gloomy picture of the future, when
women would conduct all the business
of the House of Commons, while mere
men had to look on from behind the
bar- iff a reconstituted i/rille. But only

A.N l.NTKKUIBLE ANSWEIl '. ''
ME. LYNCH.

sixty-two Peers supported his view, and
the Suffragists surmounted their last
obstacle by a majority of 28.

The independence of Finland has
already been recognised by the Ger-
man, Swedish and French Govern-
ments, but news of it has apparently
not yet reached our Foreign Office.
At least Mr. BALFOUR spoke of Finland
being now " in process of constituting
herself an independent Republic/' and
intimated that the British Government

-Mi:. G'.'N. ];\I;NI-:S MTS ON Tin: VVixsioN

VOLCANO.

were waiting until the process was
complete. Further pressed, he said
that before according formal recogni-
tion they ought to know " what the
Russian people think on the subject,''
but omitted to explain whom in present
circumstances he means by " the
Russian people."

To a question whether unity of
command, in the sense of the appoint-
ment of a generalissimo, had been
established on the Western Front, Mr.
BONAB LAW replied in the negative.
"An incredible answer," said Mr.
LYNCH ; and when an identical question
regarding the Italian Front received
the same reply, he strode out of the
House after ostentatiously tearing up
| his Question-paper. It is generally
; thought that his anxiety to win the
i War would have been more completely
I demonstrated if ho had converted the
fragments into spills.

Captain COLIN COOTE took his seat
for the Wisbech division. So little
interest is taken now-a-days in by-
elections that hardly anybody could put
a name to this tall slim figure in khaki.
Would it not bo a good idea if, " for
the duration," at any rate, the SPEAKER
were formally to announce to the House
the name and constituency of the
newly-elected ? I put aside, as un-
: worthy the dignity of Parliament, (be
suggestion that these details should be
flashed upon a cinema-screen.

Wednesday, January 16//1. Mr. SNOW-
DEN, as they say, " has a nerve." He
actually wanted to know why the Con-
scientious Objectors in the Non-Com-
batant Corps do not receive the full
increase in pay recently granted to the
lighting -men, and seemed surprised
when Mr. FORSTER informed him that
as they were not employed in the
danger-zone their pay would only con-
form to their liability.

A new official reason has been found
for the continuance of horse-racing.
Hitherto the necessity of keeping up the
breed of horses has been the principal
motive alleged; but the CHANCELLOR
OF THE EXCHEQUER now stated that, in
his mind, the main consideration was
non-interference with the " habits of the
people." Were it not for the beneficent
existence of bookmakers they would
not know what to do with their spare
cash and might be clamouring for
Premium Bonds.

Without waiting for the pei mission
of the PRESS CENSOR Tin- Ihdiij Mail
announced the sinking of a hospital
ship a day ahead of the rest of the
Press; but the HOME SECRETARY, for
reasons unexplained but easily con-
jecturable, feared that it was not pos-
sible to take proceedings. Instead he
has reported the offence to " the reprc-

JANUARY 23, 1!MH.|

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CII AKIVAKT.

r,:t

scntativcs of the newspaper proprie-
tors." In the event of my Lord BUKN-
HAM administering thoir collective ro
priniund to my I.onl N'oitTnci.n-'i-i: in
the House of Lords, I hope I may be
there to see.

Mr. Ciiritrim,!, had quite a full day.
First ho found his name in all the
headlines in consequence of a speech
delivered about, him by Mr. BAHNKS in
Glasgow. Then ho came down to the
Jlousf! and learnt that the Government
had decided to publish the final report
of the Dardanelles Commission, the
more mention of which always gives
him goose-flesh. After that ho dis-
creetly withdrew while Mr. BAHNKS,
under the -guise of a personal explana-
tion, made a hearty meal of everything
that ho had said the day before.

It was all the fault of the Scotch
reporters notoriously inaccurate fel-
lows. They ought to have known that
when he referred six or seven times to
Mr. CHURCHILL'S order he was really
referring to the Cabinet's order; that
when he said " Mr. CHURCHILL butted
in" he meant "we butted in"; and
that his description of the Govern-
ment as " living on the top of a
veritable volcano " had no reference
to the MINISTER OF MUNITIONS, who,
as everybody knows, cannot be sat
upon.

Thursday, January lltli. Members
learned with some* concern the FOOD
JoNTuoLLEit's intention to reduce the
price of fish. They fear it will have
;he effect of driving this wholesome
bod from the market, and would
sooner have a herring in the hand
;han two in the queue.

The Board of Education is composed i
of many eminent persons who never'
lold a mooting. Sir CHARLES BATHUKST
considers that it is otiose and ought to be
disbanded; but Mr. FISHKB deprecated
nterference with "this dignified body,"
which never interferes with him.

On the now Military Service Bill the
Jlstermen's plea for conscription in
Ireland was rejected after Sir AUCK-
,AND GEDDES had declared that it
vould be of no use as a solution of the
>resent difficulty. He did not give his
easons, but they are believed to be
Conventional.

The rest is silence, for, on the motion
of Mr. PRINGLE, the House went into
Secret Session in order that Mr. HOGOK
night use language presumably unfit
or publication. Whatever it was it
lid not prevent the second reading
>eing carried without a division.

How it Strikes the Journalist.
" (From the P.A. Special Correspondent)
The front of attack was I!, 000 words."

Dublin Ereiiiibi ^[ai!.

I \

I A" /***

Visitor (at Girls' Club). "Or COURSE you KNOW, DEAR CURLS, LADIKS NKVKII TU.K TO

GENTLEMEN UNLESS THEY HAVE BEEN PKOPEBLV INTRODUCED?"

Head Girl. "WE KNOWS IT, MUM, AND WE FEELS sonny FOR YEU."

A QUEUE SONG.

A JOCULAR burden rings in my ear
Of Butter and eggs and a pound of

cheese ;

It tells of good cheer ere food was dear,
Of a time of plenty and peace and
ease.

With bread, thrown in there was ample

fare
In Butter and eggs and a pound of

cheese

For men to repair all the wear and tear
Of bodily tissue, though busy as bees.

Carnivorous folk might ask for more
Than Butter and eggs and a pound of
cheese,

But that was before the stress of war
Had simplified meals with a steady
squeeze.

For butter has almost fled from our

ken,
And eggs are fetching enormous

fees,
And tho laying hen is on strike

again,

And my grocer has run clean out of
cheese.

So I 'm bidding good-bye to tho old

refrain

It isn't attuned to times like these
And I sing this strain as I stand in

the rain,
Mtuyarinr, rice and potatoes, please t

PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

; .|AM-AKY. -23, 1918.

-JVr.

JAIvlt HAD TOO MUCH BEE1I, SAM V '

ISN'T."

MELODIUM MEMORIES.

BY MELODEA.

Ax KxKKtisi; IN THE NEW ADVEBTISIXG.
I WOXDK.K if anybody who has never
tried it has the faintest idea of what
the stimulus and uplift o a variety
entertainment can be when one is, so
to speak, " clown and out "' ? Last
night, for example, 1 was tired beyond
words and was in despair until a friend,
linking his arm in mine, said by an
inspiration, " Come to the Melodium.
Always the best show in London ; and
this week better than ever. Let 's have
od a dinner as Lord RHOXDDA,
Sir AuTiiru Y.M'i- and our own eon-
sciences will permit and then go to
the second house. Twice nightly, you
know." It WHS a brain wave! Not
since hist week, when, after my invari-
able habit, I was again among the

audience of the Melodium, have I bee-n
so beatifically happy.

My weariness and harassments began
to melt away directly we entered the
great comfortable auditorium, so taste-
fully decorated with just those touches
of brightness here and there that mean
so much. The costly curtain had not
yet risen, for my friend and I were
early ; we know enough about the
Melodium programmes to l>e unwilling
to miss a moment of them. The superb
orchestra was playing a sparkling tune,
keeping time with the brilliant con-
ductor as only the Melodium orchestra
can, whilctheanticipatorycrowd flocked
in all agog for the joys to come. It
did me good to see them. Let the
pessimists and Lansdowniteswho would
make England downhearted go to the
Melodium and watch the thousands
there all intent on innocent diversion.

Let the food queue grumblers see how
cheerfully these sensible folk will stand
outside the early doors for hour after
hour, never uttering a complaint even
though it rains and snows. An object-
lesson indeed !

But to the wonder of the programme,
which seems to mo perhaps I am
wrong, but that is the impression con-
veyed to improve every week. Think
of such a galaxy of stars in one
evening as Bonnie Bessie Rabia, the
Great Little Much, the Eight Imbecile
Grocers, Reely and Trevvly, Posco, and
those favourite mirth-makers, the Levi
Lewis Co. in a side-splitting sketch,
"The Best "Ole." Imagination boggles
at it. It is too lavish. But that is
the Melodium way.

The head and front of the evening
was, of course, the one and only Bessie
Rabia, who was at the top of her form
over the top, I might say, to use a
phrase which will appeal to the many
military patrons of this favourite house
of entertainment. I don't know what
it was probably the electricity that
this woman of genius always infuses
into an audience but her effect was
astounding. Always topical and tren-
chant, I hardly need say that she has
a song about Food Control. More than
a song an epic, with such a tune to it!
Wo all came out humming it, while
those who were fortunate enough to
remember the words sang it too, revel-
ling in the sly satire of its lines:

Now RJIONDDA is a wonder, I dou't think ;

Let Sir ARTHUR YAI'I-'

Take away oul- pap,
But w.e must have something to drink.

Feats of dexterity are always fasci-
nating, but never can there have been
quite such perfect juggling as that
evinced by Posco, the marvellous boy
equilibrist. CIXQUKVALLI in his palmy
days was a master, but I venture to
consider Posco even greater than he.
Certainly some of his tricks notably
balancing a walking-stick on the very
tip of one finger for nearly a minute of
time CINQUEVALLI never offered the
public at all.

And then the back-chat couple
what can I say of them ? I have heard
many exponents of this difficult art in
my time, from the Two MACS onwards,
but none of them can compare in
wit and alertness with the Melodium
humorists, Reely and Trewly. Which
is the funnier it would be hard to say.
Go and make up your minds about it
for yourselves ; that is my advice. I
defy anybody, however tired, to hear
Reely wish Trewly " A Yappy New
Year " without feeling the better for it.
No tonic like an honest laugh.

The acrobatic troupe called the

JAHCABX

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAUIVARI.

Dli \nf I. NOW, AL'NTY, I CAN' (1KT BOTH Ifi <> OSK OF THKtii: SOCKS YOU 'VE MAUK FUU

'BUT HCBKI.Y, MY DKAR, IT'S NOT SO EASY TO WALK THAT WAY?"

mhee.ilo Grocers galvanised the house
>v their drolleries and evolutions.

If tliere is a better performer on a
>ne-string fiddle tlian Grimalkin I
-.liould like to Iiear of him.

Standing up now and then in my
seat I was able to recognise other niem-
>ers of the audience, which numbers
\vic-u nightly some of the most distin-
guished personalities in London. To
ny great satisfaction I saw that a very
tear neighbour of mine in the stalls
CALLISTHENES."

' M.\N-l'owi:n SCHEME.

In Id (luring the wook in cou-
rt ith ,i (iovi niment bomb-out scheme,
representatives of the Tnido Unions

> AurUuiid (ieddrs, concluded this
>>u."l't\>i-incial J'iq>er.

'hat ought to shift the slackers.

From 'I'll,.' /.7(((7, Mini's Part in the
'ai', hy Sir ll.utuv II. JOHNSTON :

The .Nilmir race is ... remarkable for

disproportionately long legs o their men

Mien. They extend on the eastern side

Nile right down into the Uganda Pro-

otorate."

'hat a pity that'this remarkable tribe
i not liave been brought to the
111 Front, where they could so
take barbed-wire entanglements

j their stride.

OUR MIGHTY ATOMS AGAIN.

"THE K. \MHLKI:." in
of the 16tb, informs us that " Mr. Harry
Grattan's little daughter is promising
to follow in her father's footsteps," and
adds, " Although still a tiny mite, she
has astonished her school teachers by
writing 'revues.' "

But is it fair to stop here ? The his-
trionic profession has no monopoly of
precocity. Philosophers are to be found
in every second pram and our nurseries
are thronged with amateur strategists.
The musty maxim, Si jeiinesge savait,
has long been relegated to the scrap-
heap. Youth does know, and means
to let us know that it knows.

A few striking concrete examples of
this prevalent juvenile activity may
servo to justify our statement.

Thus we understand that Master
ANTH'NY Asy ; in, of whom little has
been seen in the illustrated papers
since the resignation of the late Prime
Minister, has nearly completed his
great paraphrase of Paradise Lost, in
which the principal characters are as-
signed to modern politicians. His
tutors are said to be abs6lutely petrified
by the brilliant characterisation and
majestic imagery in which the work
abounds.

Then the hereditary instinct for bio-

graphy has declared itself with irre-

isistible force in Master CH HOI 1,1..

' who has been engaged from his earliest
infancy on a Life of his father. This
colossal work will occupy ten volumes,

'seven of which are already written.

;The advantage of living in the sanie
house with the hero depicted is too
obvious to call for comment. Even
BOSWELL only occasionally enjoyed
this privilege.

Instances might be multiplied almost
indefinitely; it is enough merely to
mention the forthcoming Love Sonnets,
written hy the granddaughter (aged
two) of a Labour Leader, or the Essays
by a Flapper, who is none other than
the grandniece of a well-known Earl
(belted). Ifc is only right to add that
the young lady in question has reached
the comparatively mature age of tliir-

| teen. But Messrs. Stodger, who are
about to publish her book, have issued
a preliminary prospectus containing a
sworn affidavit by their reader, made
before a Commissioner of Oaths, that
beside these Essays those of BACON arc
a tiling pour rire and those of ADDISON
and L\MB positively puerile.

Our Civilian Army.

MI .: uf the men \vero iu khaki.
military uniforms varied the s

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANUARY 23, 1918.

THE HERO-BIGAMIST.

" WHAT," said Francesca, "does the Recorder really do ?"

"The Recorder?" I said. "I am not quite sure about
him, but I think ho does quite a lot of recording."

" Do you mean that he lills up his spare time with it ? "

" No," I said, " I don't mean that. In fact I mean just
the opposite. It 's his business to record, and ho fills up his
business time with it. But we never see him recording.
He does it in the dark, you know, and then in his spare
limo he acts as a Judge at least that 'a how I fancy it's
managed. But what has made you so keen on Recorders
this morning'.' "

"This paper says that4ho Recorder had before him a
man charged with bigamy."

"They will do it," I murmured. " They find it difficult
to keep away from marriage when they 've once got started."

" Well, this man had fought at.Mons." .

"A splendid exhibition of heroism," I said.

"That is exactly what the Recorder said; he said that
the man was a hero, and he was going to treat all Mons
fighters brought before him as heroes. So he discharged
him and

" And there was loud applause in court, and the Recorder
said the court was not a theatre, and if it occurred again he
would have the court cleared ! "

"No," she said, " I don't see that."

" That 's odd ; they mostly say that."

"Perhaps," she said, "it's only full-blown Judges who
say that kind of thing. Anyhow, I don't see that the
Recorder said anything of that kind. He just told the man
he was a hero and let him go ; and ho added that he meant
to deal with all similar heroes in the same way."

" It 's a grand recognition of courage," I said. ." In these
namby-pamby days we ought to reward a display of the
primitive virtues."

" But what," said Francesca, " about the poor second
woman? She doesn't get much of a show, does she? "

" No," I said, " she doesn't ; but then, you see, she never
fought at Mons." .- .

" Then of coXirse," said Francesca, " she isn't a hero, and
so she has got to take her punishment for having believed
a hero who deceived her."

" The Recorder didn't say anything about her, did he? "

" No," said Francesca, " I can't find that he did. He just
invited all heroic bigamists to trot up before him and he 'd
see that nothing was done to them. That sounds like abol-
ishing the Ten Commandments in favour of the old army."

" It means more than that.* If it is logically carried out
it means abolishing the Criminal Law of England."

"But perhaps Recorders are not logical."

" I don't think they have to pass an examination in logic
in order to become Recorders."

" No," she said, " I should think not. And yet women
are not allowed to go to the Bar or to be promoted to the
Bench."

" But you can soon alter that. In about a quarter of .an
hour from now six millions of you will have votes, and you
will then be in a position to tell the Recorder what you
think of him." .

" I shan't think too much'of him," said Francesca, "even
if ho does allow heroes to dabble in bigamy." R. C. L.

War Geography.

;< Skegncss and Harrogato were the coldest places on the English
coast, with 12deg. and 8deg. of frost respectively." Daily Telegraph.

Our contemporary ought not to give away military secrets
like this. The next thing we shall read is that Harrogate
lias been bombarded by a submarine.

"QUIEN TIENE LENGUA A ROMA LLEGA."

Spanish Proverb.

" He, that hath a nimble tongue may even r/et to Rome."
So say the lightfoot gipsy folk who know all Earth as home.
But since the world is very big they drift about in Spain
And take their fill of wandering and then set out again.
Some lead, along the Seville road, a life of dusty ease,
Some cross the rolling Mancha and the snowy Pyrenees,
And northward to the Puy de Dome and eastward to

Marseilles
They clip the mules in patterns and they dock the donkeys'

tails.

Alas! the world has lost its way, as never gipsy could,
And shells are blasting from our sight deer-track and

beechen wood,
Where FRANCOIS PREMIER loved to hunt and soothe his

soul of old
When sated with an Entente's pomp and sick of Cloth of

Gold.
The little twilight winds at dusk which stirred the sleeping

leaves
Now moan around each riven branch while all the forest

grieves
That where the wood-smoke used to rise from gipsy fires

aglow
The star shells and the Verey lights now hissing come and go.

Yet you may find the gipsy men spread far from sea to sea ;
'Tis still the land of Romany wherever they may be ;
And some are back in Egypt, whence the earliest Gippy

came ;
They may take the field as soldiers, yet the wandering 's

their game.
And, though the dials must risk their lives in many a bitter

fight,
Still on Piave's blood-stained banks their brazier glows at

. night,

For under arms the wander-folk yet find a chance to roam
Where he that hath a nimble tongue may even get to Rome.

SALVAGE.

JUST now the authorities are taking a keen interest inu
salvage. This means that we, the 2nd Royal Fermanagh
Fusiliers, when not actively engaged in fighting battles, sally
out in parties of thirty, forty and sometimes more, and mop
up any material that may be lying about shells, shell-cases,
corrugated iron, bully-beef tins, picks, shovels and rifles.
Yesterday, X Company, led by Captain O'Neil, set forth at
6 A.M. with instructions to collect shells, shells and yet more
shells from a certain corner of Y area. At 3 r.M. the party
returned, the men had their dinners, "got down to it," and
all was peace.

At 5 P.M. our. Adjutant received instructions "to report
in person at Division H.Q. (Q) without delay." Q did not
keep Maloney long, but passed him on to another dug-out,
two doors off, where a Brigadier-General of Artillery, com-
plete with Staff-Officer in attendance, awaited him.

"Ah, are you the Adjutant of the Fermanaghs?" he
began. " I wish to congratulate you on the magnificent
way your men worked this morning."

Maloney, glowing with pride, waited for him to continue.

"Two thousand shells did they shift from Y area; and
my men have had to spend the whole afternoon shifting
them back again. You collected the whole of one of my
Advance Ammunition Dumps."

Maloney met the Brigadier with his undefeated smile.
Ah, Sir," said he, " aren't they the bhoys ! "

,l\xi AIIV 'J:i, I '.MS.

PUNCH, OH THK LONDON niAUIV.MM.

War I'liimlrr (refilling on the telephone to desperate appeal for replacement of a burst cittern). "WKI.r., MADAM, IP THK r.r.vr
OISTKIIS IS l-RUENTLY BEQUIBED FOB THE FRONT, AJiD YOU CAS SEND US AN ' A ' CERTIFICATE, WE CAS PROBABLY TACKLE THE JOB THE
V.j.l'K AFTEB NEXT."

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)
THESE German writers! Well might the one just
inhabitant of the Fatherland (supposing such an indi-
vidual to exist) cry aloud to bo saved from his propagandists.
The latest solo upon the Teutonic trumpet is played by no
less high-sounding a performer than Lieutenant-General
Baron VON FREYTAG-LOHINGHOVEN. This gentleman occu-
pies, it appears, the position (to which however there
are other claimants) of " the most distinguished soldier-
writer of Prussia," his expositions of the noble science of the
jack-boot having procured for him, by a deliciously native
touch, the decoration Pour Ic Mfrite (Peace Class). The
exalted Herr Baron has embodied his most distinguished
conclusions upon the world-tragedy (which is not at all
what he would call it) in the little book before me, Deduc-
tions From The. World War (Cox STABLE). These deductions
could hardly have appeared at a moment more unhappy for
their author or more fortunate for a world that was perhaps
in some danger of believing the Prussian wolf repentant.
To all who have been conscious of the luro of such an
amiable folly let mo commend the deduction which sums
up the Baronial philosophy : " Any such agreements [to
prevent future wars] will after all only be treaties which
will not on every occasion be capable of holding in check
the forces seething within the States. The idea of a uni-
versal league . . . would bo felt as an intolerable tutelage
by any great and proud-spirited nation." So there you
have it. Not for the first time, but seldom more forthright,
have their own pens condemned the murderers of faith.

1 suppose that what C. N. and A. M. WILLIAMSON don't
know about the dramatic possibilities of the motor-car is
hardly worth knowing. Their new volume of stories, Ti<jf-r
Lily (MILLS AND BOON) shows their store of petrol-adven-
tures to be still unexhausted. Probably, but for considera-
tions of crispness, the book would have been called lie \\'lio
Stole and liodc Away, since this is the title of the longest
and most important tale in the collection. It is a liri.sk
affair of an heiress, of fortune-hunters and (of course)
a god in the car, and gets its topical interest from the fact
that the scene of it, ranging from Innsbruck to the Piavc,
has lately attained some tragic notoriety. Some of the
other stories are concerned with gambling at Monte Carl').
always a background rich in suggestion and intrigue ; hut
though these provide usually a promising situation they
left me, for the most part, with a feeling that t lie ilfinnn--
mcnt, explanation, or whatever it is, had scarcely fulfilled
this promise. Can it bo, I wonder, that Mrs. WILLIAMSON
murders the victim, or arranges the coup, or generally
complicates matters after this exhilarating fashion and then
leaves poor Mr. W. to find the best solution ho can ? One
other story tells of the trick played by a rich young woman
upon an equally rich young man who criticised her philan-
thropic methods ; it is called " A Cure for Wealth " a bad
title, since the young man was so far from being cured that
his relapse (ho married the millionairess) left him richer
than ever. It is a merry little piece of nonsense that would
make a good curtain-raiser.

In view of the perpetual interest that attaches to the
1 greater crimes of violence down the ages, Mr. RAFAEL

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[.JANUARY 23, 1918.

Sut.vriNi has done a shrewd thing in his Historical Nights'
l-lntfrluinmcid (SKCKHR), gathering together for our delec-
; ;it ion, in a sanguinary sheaf, some horrific talcs of sundry

is not glorious adventure I do not know what is, and ifc
would seem that there still may be glamour in war. As a
history of General SMUTS'S sweep down the Pangani river,

of terror, and presenting his historical characters beginning later than the conquest of the Kilimanjaro country

in" a setting of known fact with plausible embroideries and ending before the approach to the Central Kailway, the

of conjecture. Of these thirteen tales ominous number ! hook is a businesslike account of a fighting retreat by the

no fewer than eleven are tales of murder, private or Huns and of resistance much more strenuous on the part

judicial, achieved or attempted. This would perhaps seem of tsetse and mosquitos ; yet when it is told by the author,

what morbid idea of entertainment; but the author new homo from listening to strange bird-songs in a land

,i , g nut focus on the horrors, but rather on the play of where the stars are strange, it is no wonder that it becomes

and the trails of character. And I must say, who something infinitely more. There is a glow of tropic heat

am no expert and can oppose no counter-contentions to his and beauty about it, a vista of dry desert and hard blue
audacious theories, that ho has contrived a very respecta-

ble entertainment. K://io, D.YHNLKY, Lady ALICK LISLE,
COLIQNY'S Huguenots, GUSTAVUS III., CKSARK BORGIA'S
brother GAXDIA and some three thousand citizens of Nantes,
are among the list of the victims, and the tragedy-comedy
of the great Affair of the Diamond Necklace and an escape
of CASANOVA from prison f
are the only two bloodless
episodes. 1 think I dare
commend the book even to
the gentle. The average
iinregenerate man ought to
enjoy it all hugely.

Mr. GERARD FIENNES, in
S'ra Pon-i'i- a ml Freedom
(SKHFFINGTON), states that
" the British boy, taught
history in the schools, can
name live British victories
on land to every three at
sea," and goes on to remark
that the proportion is a
strange one for the greatest
Sea Power in the history
of the world. If his book
compels attention to the
elementary fact that the
British Empire has de-
pended for its development
upon its sea-power it will
do a sound piece of service.
We are, and always have

BISCUITS.

mountains, and a sense of the bigness of the new crude
land that has gained a soul from the fighting travail of lean
suffering invaders. And the book has a heo, or rather
two. One is the writer, though little enough he seems to
guess it, _and the other is the General whose greatness
warred with the greatness of waste Africa and wrought

| upon it victory. Not often
has actual war been written
in terms of such artistic
beauty.

Given a story-teller who
knows the wild places of
the earth and the speech
and trafficking of men who
live dangerously, and novel-
writing becomes an easy
matter. For novel-reading
is essentially the pastime of
men and women who live
in easy-chairs, have three
meals a day, and police-
men to keep the tramps
away circumstances under
which the call of the wild
never fails of its appeal. To-
j day the Spirit of Valour is
abroad in the world and
mere danger has lost much
of its attraction, but the
Spirit of Adventure never
beckoned so insistently ; and
men who sniff atfifteen-inch

>/...//)/mi(. " 1>ON'T YOU WANT NO DOG BISCUITS TO-DAY?"

Sportimj Miner's Wife.. "Doa BISCUITS!. WE CAN'T AFFORD con

OUB TOG 'S GOT TO EAT WHAT WE EATS SOW."

. .J shells in .trance can thrill at

been, far too ready to take

mr Navy for granted. Mr. FIENNES, though very rightly the popping of the novelists' six-shooters in the Alaskan

claiming the Battle of Jutland as a British victory, argues
that, if it was not so decisive as a people nourished on the
I raditions of the Nile and Trafalgar were inclined to expect,
the fault did not lie with the Navy, but with the loose
talkers who have never appreciated the changes which
modern developments have brought with them. We want
to be educated before we have any right to criticise, and I
suggest Mr. FIENNES' book as a pleasant and profitable
study for those of us who have neglected to instruct our-
selves in naval affairs. Here you will find an account of
both ancient and modern Sea Powers, a carefully considered
judgment upon our Navy's actions in the present War,
and some excellent illustrations. " Whenever," says Mr.
IMKNNKS, "a tyrant has come into conflict with aea-powor
it has broken him.'' It is a consoling thought, and I
recommend it as a tonic to the most determined pessimists.

wilderness. All of which is a prelude to the practical state-
ment that you should buy The Triumph of John Kars
(CHAPMAN AND HALL), read it and send it to the Y.M.C.A.
for the delectation of our fighting men. You may be too
sophisticated to enjoy it yourself that is your misfortune
but they will not be, and the important thing is that you
should send it to them. Mr. EIDGWELL CULLUM is a past-
master of this type of fiction, and his story of the Yukon
lacks none of his accustomed entertainment. The lure of
gold, the glamour of saloon and dance-hall, Indians and
trappers, fur traders and prospectors, all contribute to our
entertainment. The villain is perhaps a little too villainous,
and the hero rather more heroic than mortal hero could
reasonably be expected to be. That is of no consequence.
The types are truthfully drawn, their talk is real talk, and
we are made to realise the enduring warfare between the

, iron North and the unconquerable soul of Man the Pioneer.

BRETT ' Yorxus latest romance, M.nrliiny ri I'mi,,,/' More than that for live shillings no decent reader would
(COLLINS), deals with all manner of fascinating things such ' demand. ___^_________

as sound boys choose for their literature ; vet it is no novel TI An -vr

,.,,,, ' -, i- n ., . .' ' Tne Milan Municipal Cbimoil. which is a, socialist body, has i

but a volume dealing in all seriousness with a part of the [a stirring appetite "

impaign in hast Africa now happily concluding. If this ' A silly thing to

to the population."-^,,,, Zealand HeraW.
do during the food shortage.

JAHUABY :), I'.HS.

i'i NCII, on TIIK LONDON < n \KIV\IM.

(Inn-ri-. "I'M M:I;Y souuv. MA'AM, BUT WE HAVK xo 1.1 MI- sn;.u:."

J,inli/. "BUT I .VI-.ST mvr. i.i MI-. How DO vou KXPECT FIDO TO CATCH A SPOOXFUL OP DBMKIIARA FROM TIM: USD OF ins

CHARIVARIA.

'I'm: i-iiiiiour that the War Bond
Tank a I, Nottingham so far forgot itself
as to try to bite Mr. RAMSAY MAC-
DONALD in tlic leg has Ijpon traced to
Bolshevik sources.

" Tlio basis of the Labour l'art\,"
said Mr. SMII.MI;, must lie broadened
to include brain - workers like Lord
BKKKSFOKD." Tin's looks like a na-ty
sniack at Coinniander BKLLAIKS, M.l'.

The village of Crundalc, in Yorkshire,
is to bo sold by auction. To ensure
brisk bidding there is sonio talk of
throwing in a couple of pork chops
with it. .. ..

' :|: "

A Sunninghil] tradesman njicns liis
shop thrco days a week as a butcher
and three da\s as a fishmonger. Our
own butcher opens one day a week as
ft purveyor of meat and live dins as a
matter of habit. ... .

:'. '

For the convenience of Herman
prisoners of v, ar desirous of escaping
from British internment camps, we un-
derstand that it is likely, in order to
avoid confusion, that the <]ueue s\siom
will lie introduced.

Great interest has been aroused at
the Front by recent journalistic sensa-
tions, and there is some talk among
the troops of asking Sir DOUGLAS J FAH;
to send a special correspondent to the
Fleet Street theatre of war.

:;; r-

" Pineapples cut into slices," sa\ s a
Cricklewood fruiterer, " make an ex-
cellent dish." This is much better than
the old custom of swallowing the pine-
apple whole.

' *'

" If the standard price of milk in your
district is 7 .W., "says Tin- Kn nin.i
" do not ask for a pennyworth, but two-
fifteenths of a quart, and one-thirtieih
of a pint instead of a halfpennyworth."
^j-'he latter suggestion sounds very pro-
mising and has the hearty support of

the milk-trade. ;:: . ;:

* *

"Better days in store," says a notice
in a Hamsgatti shop window. What

we \\ant is Butter da\ s.

A dairyman charged with selling
unsatisfactory milk explained to the
Bench that his cows were suffering
from shell-shock, lie himself is now
suffering from shell-out-shock.

Field-Marshal vox I IINDKNIU HI; in-

i dicates that be is preparing a scheme to
combat the British Tank*. Tin's lends

[colour to the recent rumour that the
(ierman troops wore being served out
with tin-openers.

An admiral butterfly seen basking
in the sun on the Dorset coast has
been captured by a resident. The in-
trepid fellow, in a graphic description
of tho encounter, sticks to his story
that tho butterfly snapped at him
several times. ... .,,

At a London police court a man was
alleged to have sold a bottle of coloured
water as whisky to a Scotsman for
fifteen shillings. Restoratives are still
being applied to the victim.
* ::

Thieves who broke into a Smbiton
provision storo ignored the cash and
consumed a quantify of salmon, con-
densed milk anil apnles. The police
theory that they were, in search of food
is regarded by |o,- ;l | opinion as being
sound.

\\ith reference to the gentjeman in
the North of Knglaud who boasted that
bo had a reply \,\ return of post from
tho War OHicr .-,1 to state

I bat it \\ . i;ht.

THE STRANDING OF "GOEBEN."

' :1 ' H HIMSKI.F (!O.

\i.L.\n is good! He makes me laugh inside!

.1 trip the Turkish Trot with light and free limbs
For joy of punctures blown in (lix-l-fii'ti side,

Or (if you like it better) Si/ltmi Shim's.

I '.cached on the Narrows' shore she lies a wreck,^
Having, in Teuton parlance, " lightly grounded,

\nd there, 1 hear, she gets it in the neck
All day and night by British airmen pounded.

Never again, we'll hope, the beastly thing
(This is indeed a providential loss for us) _

Snug at her moorings off Stamboul shall swing
And stain with German bilge my balmy Bosphorus.

No more her alien officers, I deem,

Shall here behave like little gods on castors,

Or train their cursed guns on my harcom

To mend my manners to my German masters.

No more emerging from a year's repose
(The time to readjust a damaged piston)

Shall she decline conclusions with her foes
And run for harbour with a heavy list on.

Tracing to her the source of all my woe,
I might have worn a visage yet more shiny

Had she but definitely gone below,

" Spurlos vcrsenkt " beneath the open briny.

Still, as a stranded hulk, she suits my game,

And scarce had pleased me more by disappearing,

For I can now declare a foreshore claim
And do a little salvage profiteering.

Meanwhile within a note to WILLIAM dear,

Alluding to his natural annoyance,
1 shall enclose a largo unblotted tear,

Like crocodiles that camouflage their joyance.
=== 0.8.

Long-Distance Diving?

" Splendid diving at Portland, Ore. , was seen a few days ago when a
young fellow, on being shown a point marked on the surface by a
buoy, went down into twenty-five feet of water and in four minutes
located and brought to the surface the three thousand dollar family
heirloom ring lost by a Philadelphia lady. The recovery of this small
object from twenty-five feet of water is called the finest diving feat
along the Maine coast in years." Montreal Weekly Star.

Wo should like to have been told whether, in swimming
from Oregon to Maine, he went round Cape Horn or utilised
the Panama Canal. %

The Lower Depths.

"During the week [ending December 26] eleven ships over sixteen
hundred tons went to the bottom and one under." Malta, Chronicle.

"PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [.JANUARY 30, 191U.

"IXEXECRABLE Hl'N SSIl'KS STRETCHER-BEARERS."

Neir Zealand Times.

We should have spoken more positively on the subject.

"WASTED. Man to Slaughter, in spare time." Oxford Times.

We hazard the thought that the advertiser has borrowed
his hobby from WILLIAM, KAISEB.

" Trained Gymnastic and Games' Mistress required at once, in first-
class Girls' Boarding School (seaside) ; young married lady or widow
(temporarily) might be suitable." Yorkshire Post .

The " tempy " spirit is very infectious.

A PATRIOT POACHER.

BEFOHF. the War old Abe was our village outcast. The
Squire glowered on him when they met. When the Vicar
preached on dishonesty everyone said what a pity it was
that Abe was not there to hear the sermon ; for he usually
spent his Sunday mornings supervising his snares. The
only person who loved Abe was Grimmond, our policeman.
Ho proposed to rise by means of Abe to the giddy height
of an inspectorship. Abo was the only person in the
neighbourhood who could ho relied upon to give him a case.
Kvory few months he and the policeman walked oil to
the Petty Sessions together. It is true that Abe from the
dock usually denounced Grimmond as a gross perjurer, but
when the Chairman had said that it wa^ quite time this
poaching nuisance was stopped and had commended Con-
stable Grimmond's vigilance and had lined Abe forty
hillings and costs then policeman and prisoner walked
amicably home together.

When' Grimmond went off to the War, Abe was quite
onely. His only friend had vanished. He made a des-
perate attempt to enlist, but the British Army has no use
f or a recruit who has lost two fingers from the right hand
through the premature explosion of a shot-gun carried
under the coat. And even the recruiting officer whistled
when Abe described himself as thirty-six, and advised him
to go home and teach his grandchildren to speak the truth.

Life became very dull for Abe. Instead of the wily and
indefatigable Grimmond, Abe merely had to circumvent our
two specials the Squire, whose rheumatism kept him
indoors on all damp evenings, and the Vicar, who mooned
round his beat meditating on sermons. As Abe said, " It
ain't worth troubling to shove the rabbits under your coat.
He jus' looks at you and says, 'Finally, brethren.' A
rabbit ! I could take a elephant past "im."

It was not till the food shortage began that old Abe
revived. Now, instead of sneaking away a few rabbits
in the publican's cart, he walks boldly up to the station
with a couple of dozen. " See here, Mr. Simmonds, I
want these sending off hy first train to Middleden. Don't
let 'em miss it now. Those poor folk '11 'ave nothing for
their Sunday dinners if we don't keep up food supplies."

The village was thrilled at our War Bond meeting when
Abe rose and said, "Put me down for twenty pounds' worth,
if you please, Sir. And I think we ought to remember our
'eroes at the Front, so I 'd be glad if you 'd let me buy a
War Certificate one of them that keeps on growing for
Constable Grimmond."

The Squire's wife thanked Abe personally when he came
round just before Christmas and presented two brace of
pheasants to our Bed Cross Hospital ; and Abo replied,
"Don't mention it, Mum ; you're 'eartily welcome; and if
they 'adn't stopped breeding pheasants round 'ere it 's not
two brace but twenty brace you should 'ave "ad."

Then Abe came to church in a top-hat and frock-coat he
had bought secondhand, and the Vicar, not knowing him,
shook him hy the hand and said he was always glad to
welcome new residents in the parish.

But the climax came one evening when the Squire
addressed our Food Economy meeting and old Abe rose
unsolicited from the back to support him. People hung
on his memorable words : " We got to save food. We got
to increase food supplies. What we want is more 'ares and
rabbits, and what I says is that, if this 'ere Ministry of
Munitions keeps on 'olding up thin wire, we shall lose this
blinkin' War."

Before it is over I expect that old Abe will be made at
least a Member of the Order of the British Empire in
recognition of his services as Local Rabbit Controller.

PUNCH, OR TIIH LONDON CHARIVARI. JANUARY 30, 1918.

FOR THIS RELIEF MUCH THANKS.

GERMAN KAISER. "MY POOR, POOR FRIEND! THIS IS A TERRIBLE ACCIDENT THAT
HAS BEFALLEN OUR BELOVED GOEBEX."

SULTAN OF TURKEY (concealing Ins satisfaction). "IT IS THE WILL OF ALLAH."

t;s

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANUARY 30, 1918.

THE MUD LARKS.

\Vi: fell asleep with goose leathers
of snow whirling against the carriage
windows, and woke to see a shot-silk

sea

" Have you of any English papers ? "
" Yes, Sir, there 's The Times and
Tit-Bits."

flinging white laco along a fairy (Is it possible that the land of VIRGIL,
coast ou ouo side and pink and yellow of HORACE and DANTE knows uot The
villas nesting among groves of palm Daily Mail?)

also short conversations for current | The Italian countered with a " Viva
use. /' Inghilterrtt '' and swept on with his

monologue.

and orango on the other.

Of course this sort of thing doesn't
happen in real life,"said Albert Edward,
flattening his proboscis against the
pane. " Either it 's all a dream or else
those oranges will suddenly light up;
CmwiK GHOSSMITH, in a topper and
spats, will trip in from the O.P. side ;
girls will blossom from every palm, and
all ranks get busy with song and prance
tra-la-la!"

The Babe kicked his blankets off and
sat up. " Nothing of the sort. We 've
arrived in well-known Italy, that 's I
all. Capital Rome. Ex- "
ports old masters, chi-
anti and barrel - organs.
Faces South and is cen-
trally heated by Vesuvius.

We rattled into a cutting
the sides of which were
decorated with posters :
GOOD HBALT AT THE
ENGLAND," "Gooo LUCKY
AT TOMMY," and drew up
in a flag- festooned station,
on the platform of which
was a deputation of smiling
niifiiorinas, who presented
the Atkinses with post-
cards, fruit and cigarettes,
and ourselves with flowers.

" Very ban eh, what? "
said the Babe as the train
resumed its rumblings.

All the same I wish we could thank
them prettily and tell them how pleased
we are we've come. Does anybody
handle the patter ? "

Albert Edward thought he did.

Used to swot up a lot of Italian

(iive me, please, many biscuits."

"No, Sir, we have no biscuits; the
fabrication of them has been avoided
by Government."

" Waiter, show me a good bed whore
one may sleep undisturbated."

In the train :

" Dickens ! I have lost my ticket."

" Alas, you shall pay the price of
another."

A jocular vein is recommended with
cabbies :

" Coachman, are you free ? "

" Yes, Sir."

" Seems to want something," said
Albert Edward. " Wonder if C/ESAR is
too technical for him."

" Eead him something from The Encj-
lish Soldier in Italy," I suggested.

The Babe thumbed feverishly through
tho hand-book. " ' Let us get in ; the
guard has already cried ' No, that won't
do. ' Give me a walk and return ticket,
please ' That won't do either. ' Yes, I
have a trunk and a carpet-bag' Oh,
this is absurd." lie cast the book from
him.

At that moment the engine hooted,
the trucks gave a preliminary buck and
started to jolt forward. The Italian
sprang upon tho running board and,
clinging to the hand-rail, continued to
declaim emotionally through the win-
dow. William became
alarmed. " This chap has
something on his mind.
Perhaps ho 's trying to toll
us that a bridge has blown
up, or that the train is
moving without a move-
ment order, or the chaulY-
cur is drunk. For Heaven's
sake somebody do some-
thing quick ! "

Thereupon Babel broke
loose, each of us in his
panic blazing off in the
foreign language which
came easiest to his tongue.
William calledfor a bath
in Arabic. The Babe de-
manded champagne in
French. Albert Edward

. declined inensa, while I, by

"Then long live liberty." (the luckiest chance, struck a language

Very young subalterns with romantic ; which the Italian recognised with a glad
notions may waste good beer-money on ; yelp. In a moment explanations were

It niter Undicr (during a thaw).

foreign phrase-books and get them- over and i had

selves enravelled in hopeless inter-
national tangles, but not old Atkins.

him into the

literature when I was a lad : technical | The English soldier in Italy will speak
military stuff about the divisions of what he has always spoken with corn-
Gaul by one J. C.ESAR." ; plete success in Poperinghe, Amiens,
"Too technical for everyday use," I Cairo, Salonika, Dar-es Salaam, Bagdad

objected. "A person called D' ANNUNZIO
is their best seller now, I believe."

" Somebody 'd better hop off the bus
at the next stop and buy a book of
the words," said the Babe".

At the next halt I dodged the depu-
tation ami purchased a phrase-book
with a Union Jack on the cover, en-
titled The En<iji*h x<>l<Ue>- in IlaJy,
published in Milan.

Among military terms, grouped under
the heading of "The Worldly War,"
a garettn (sentry-box) is donned as " a
watchbox," and the machine-gunner
will be surprised to find himself de-
scribed as " a grapeshot-man." It has

and Jerusalem, to wit, English.

But to return to our train. At night-
fall we left the fairy coast behind, its
smiling signorinas, flags, flowers and
fruit, and swarmed up a pile of perpend-
icular scenery from summer to winter.
During a halt in the midst of moonlit
snows our carriage door was opened
and we beheld outside an Italian officer,
who saluted and gave us an exhibition
of his native tongue at rapid fire.

'lie's referring to us," said the
Babe. " Answer him, somebody ; tell
him we're on his side and all that."

promptly.

V Italia," William exclaimed

carriage and slammed the door.

The new-comer was a lieutenant of
mountain artillery. He was returning
from leave, had confided himself to the
care of an R.T.C., had in consequence
missed every regular train and wanted
a lift to the next junction. That was
all. I then set about to make him as
comfortable as possible, wrapping him
in one of the Babe's blankets and
giving him his maiden drink of whisky
out of William's First Field Dressing.
With tears streaming down his cheeks
he vented his admiration of the British
national beverage.

In return he introduced me to the
Italian national smoke, an endless cigar
to bo sucked up through a straw.
Between violent spasms I implored the
name and address of the maker. Wo
were both very perfect gentlemen.

Wo then prattled about the War ; he

JANL'ABY 30, 1U18.1

PUNCH, Oil THE LONDON CJIARIVAIir.

i\yi:;r. "VouB DKii.i, is HOITI.N; i,n u KIT is siiunx; AJiu YOU'IU: NK\I:K LI i.j Tim:.''
Itecruil. "SoBnv, SIB. IT'S ALL owmu TO THIS DREADFUL KUBOI-KAN WAH. '

boasting about the ten-Hie depths of more whisky if in return I would crawi

O 11/\\1' It* wlllstll 1 i <\ i ] ) ,1 Kin linf-j-lii-if* i ., 1 , ^ 1 ,, . , .> 1 1^. . - I. ^ 1 . 1 __. 1_ It . _ 1

snow in which lie did his battling, while

up his mountain and uioet the chamois

I boasted about the Flanders mud. We and edelweiss.

broke a.l tout ovoti on that bout. He) Later on, as I was making up my
ained a bit on mountain batteries, but | bed for the night, Albert Edward poked

his head out of the cocoon of horse-
blankets in which he had wound him-
self.

got it all back, and more, on tanks.
Ho had never seen one, so I had it all
my own way. Our tanks, after I had
finished with them, could do pretty
nearly anything except knit.

Defeated in the Held, he turned home
to Rome for something to boast about.
I should see St. Peter's, he said. It
was magnificent, and the Roman art
treasures unsurpassable.

I replied that our cathedral at West-
minster was far newer, and that the
art in our National Cold Storage had
cost an average of 5,473 19s. l\d. per
square Coot. Could he beat it ?

That knocked him out of his stride
for a moment, but he struggled bock
with some remark about seeing his
Coliseum by moonlight.

I replied that at ours we had modern
electric light, MrurnY and MACK, Vis i \
~ TJ.EV and the Bioscope.

\\hether he would have recovered
Iroin that I know not, for at this
moment the

know not,

lights of the junction
iwinkled in at the frosted windows and
le took his departure, fust promising

Q call in at our

and sutler some

"By the way, what ungodly jargon
were you and that Italian champing
together so sociably ? "

"German," I whispered; "but for
the Lord's sake don't tell anybody."
PATLANUEK.

Journalistic Caution.

"Almost unbounded excitement prevailed
iu Napier on Thursday morning when the news
cauic through that the Allies had snM-hni
through the lliudenburg lino. . . .''

Dominion (Ifew Zculami).

"Wanted, Several Pounds Devonshire ov
other Butter weekly for invalid. Also Eggs,
1'Vnvls and Babbits." IVoriiiciai Faivr.
We gather that the invalid is in an
advanced stage of consumption.

"The new men arc not sulliciontly pro-
moted. Wo believe it is a fact that not more
than 4 per cent, of those who have joined the
Army since 1'Jll havr been made brigndier-
gonorals." tiuiidai/ Pictorial.

Well, even 200,000 Brigadiers should
be enough to carry on with.

A LITTLE BIT OF SKIRT.
IN Balaam of the 'nineties I was young
And drained the cup of pleasure to

the lees ;
Played billiards, lounged in baas and

moved among
High - collared youths who glibly

talked of " gees,"
And by the wild companions of those

days

Was universally proclaimed expert
At chasing (in their doggish turn of
phrase)

" A little bit of skirt."

Times change t'.r/., on Saturday I fared
Forth to the butcher's (Ethel watched

the twins) ;
In consequential accents he declared,
" No loins or shoulders, fillets, chops

or shins;"
And then he gave the most unkindest

cut
(Twinges of memory! oh, how it

hurt ! )

" I 'm *orry ; I can give you nothing but
A little bit of 'skirt.' '

A Painful Ambiguity.

" Monthly Conference .f M to the

II- .i-l i'n and am |j ,,. such."

Wie Life ,,t J-'uith.

STAFF-WORK.

-Is this tho Officers' Hospital? 1
Ronny called out as ho came up the
"carriage sweep" (nWc House- Agents
advertisement) by which my temporary
ivsidonce is approached.

" No, it 's one of the stately homes
of .England," I answered. My bed is
pushed into the window in the daytime,
and from this O.P. (it is on the first
floor) I command the carnage sweep
and a short piece of the main road.
"I arise from dreams of thee,

And a spirit in my feet
ll;is led mo who knows how ?-
To thy chamber window, sweet"

sang Ronny. I threw an empty cigar-
ette box at his head and bade him come
up. Ronny 's high spirits had to be
excused, for this was the first of his
fourteen days' leave from France.

" Slacker"! " he said as he entered my
room. " Why aren't you under military
supervision ? "

"The military authorities have
wearied of me," I answered, " and now
I enjoy half-pay and comparative free-
dom. Only comparative, for my sister
is a veritable dragon."

" I 'm gliul to hear it," said Ronny.
" Why should you get off scot free while
I bear tho heat and burden of tho day ? '

He came and looked out of the
window, and as he did so the girl with
the yellow jersey passed along the road.

" Who 's that? " asked Ronny.

"I don't know. She passes every
day to do her marketing in the town.
I 'm always weaving romances around
her. Sometimes I imagine her a Cin-
derella ill-used by her ugly sisters "

" She didn't look very ill-used," put
in Ronny.

" or else the pampered niece of a
fabulously rich uncle. Or, in my less
cheerful moments, when my leg 's very
troublesome, I imagine her the wife of
some fat fellow with a cushy job at the
base."

then hastily affixed his sheet of paper to
the gatepost and hid behind the laurels.
The next minute the girl in the yellow
jersey appeared, stood a moment read-
in" Ronny's notice, and passed on.
Then he emerged from his hiding-place,
took down tho notice and returned to
tho house.

He came into my room surveying his
sheet of paper with every appearance
of satisfaction.

" Very good staff-work," ho said.
" If all doesn't go according to plan it
won't be my fault." Then he dis-
played the following to my horrified

gaze :

"OFFICERS 1 HOSPITAL.

GIFTS OF FRUIT AND FLOWERS GRATiirULLY
RKCEIVEU."

" Ronny," I said severely, " this is
beyond a joke. This is obtaining goods
under false pretences."

" Wo haven't obtained them yet," said
Ronny. "But I hope very much that
we shall."

" Well, I hope very much that we
shan't."

" I rather fancy you must have lost
your nerve a bit," he said, regarding me
with a speculative eye. " And of course
you haven't been able to observe the
girl in the yellow jersey so closely as I
have. -When I told you that I thought
she was a vivid personality I was, if
anything, understating the case. You
should see her eyes. By Jove, they 're
s i m ply " He rose and surveyed

" What a horrible idea! " said Ronny.
"But I think you ought to get to
know her. I 've read in some rotten
book that the companionship of vivid
personalities is good for the disabled.
That's why I came down to see you;
and I 'm almost certain that the girl in
the yellow jersey is a vivid personality
too. I shall have to devise a scheme
for introducing her to you."

" For Heaven's sake don't," I cried,
knowing Ronny's schemes of old. But
lie remained sunk in deep and, to mo,
ominous thought.

" I have it," ho said at length and
left the room, and a little later I saw
him in the carriage sweep with a largo
sheet of paper in his hand. He stood
looking down the road (or a while, and \

himself in the looking-glass. " I wonder
if I'd better put my new tie on," he
said, smoothing his hair.

" Luckily it 's a thousand to one
against her bringing fruit and flowers,
which I suppose is your idea," I said.
" And if she does I shan't let you butt
in."

" My dear old thing," said Ronny,
" I have one sole advantage over you
at the present time. You are warm
and dry and well-fed, and you are re-
garded by everyone who doesn't know
you as a No. 1 size hero. But I have
just this over you, that if the lady in
the yellow jersey arrives bearing fruit
and flowers I can step lightly to the
front door and explain the er mis-
take, while you must wait here in the
office for me to report."

" Well, she won't come, any way," I
said. " If she does anything she '11
send her gifts by an underling."

" I see you don't understand good
staff-work at all," said Ronny. " We 've
provided for that. I should take the
parcel hack myself. You will see that

" Well, I 've known tho Staff to err
on the side of optimism before," I said.
The morning and a good part of the
afternoon passed without anything to
report in our pait of the line. Then
my sister, who had been lunching out,
came in.

You will bo interested to hear I
have met tho girl with the yellow
jersey," she said.

" You haven't ! " cried Ronny and I
together. Then, "Bringing fruit and
flowers? " asked Ronny.

" No," said my sister. " Why should
she? But she did make rather an
extraordinary remark. She said she
had meant to call on us to-day, having
heard we were respectable that was
before Ronny arrived, of course but
that she had seen a notice on our gate
that this was an officers' hospital, so
thought she must have made a mistake
in the address."

There was silence for a space, and
then I murmured, "Very good staff-
work," to no one in particular. But
Ronny was already at the door.

" Where are you going? " we asked.

" To explain about the notice, of
course. Where does she live? "

"Oh, this was one of your stunts,
was it ? " said my sister, who lapses
occasionally into the vernacular. " I
shan't tell you where she lives."

Ronny put on his most engaging
nanner.

" You 're not going to be so inhos-
pitable as that ? " he said.

I am. But it doesn't matter," she
added after a pause, " for she 's coming
;o tea to-day after all."

At that moment a light step sounded
on the gravel below.

" Didn't I say within twenty-four
iiours ? " asked Ronny complacently.
How like the Staff ! " I said.

within twenty-four hours tho objective
will bo attained."

" And the objective is to introduce
mo to the lady in the yellow jersey?"

" That is so. It is purely altruistic.'

War Work.

" WANTED, Two Dozen Living Flies weekly
during the remainder of winter for two Italian
Frogs." Brighton Herald.

"GERMANY DAY BY DAY.

Major-General Ernst von Below wasrnarrie
last week to a kinswoman, a widow named
Frau Else von Below, who before her marriag
was a von Below." Daily Paper.

It doesn't look as if this marriage wen
made in Heaven.

" Musician was similarly complimente<

for his cornet solo, ' The Holy City,' his encor
being ' Land of Hops and Glory.' "

Suburban Paper.

The Kentish National Anthem ?

"The rivers have registered a 10 to 11 fee
rise, whilo tho highest flood over known a
Stives, Huntingdonshire, was recorded."

Daily Sketch.

And you should have seen the Thame
at St. Aines.

TANUAUY 30, 1918.] PUNCH, QU TUB LONDON CHARIVARI.

THE DURATION.

ir mother, who is seeing her hinlatul jf to Trance). "MUMMY, MAY I GO A5D EE DADDY OFF TO TUB FRONT wm:s I'M

big

THE NEW DIPLOMACY.
' OLIM," writing in ah 1 the dignity of
J print in a recent issue of The
, pleads for the abolition of all
Embassies, on the ground that " an
Ambassador is a pompous and expen-
sive form of envoy " and " a survival
of the dead past." But is not " OLIM "
knocking at an open door? A good
many of our Embassies have been
ended by the War, and the new
arrangement by which our Ambassador
at Washington has been replaced by
a High Commissioner with unpre-
cedented powers who still retains the
))osi of Lord Chief Justice of England,
undoubtedly points to a reorganisation
of the Diplomatic service on the lines
-'id by "OHM." Indeed the
of Lord KKADIKG is, we under-
only the first of a number
of similar appointments, dictated, in
" OHM'S" own phrase, both by con-
venience and economy.

Thus we understand that Mr.
WINSTON CHURCHILL will shortly pro-
ceed as Grand Plenipotentiary and
Serene High Commissioner of the

British Government to the seat of
the Government of the Ukraine, with
the view of establishing friendly re-
lations with the anti-Bolshevist ele-
ments. Mr. CHURCHILL'S distinguished
record as a cavalry officer renders him
peculiarly i]tialilied for negotiating with
the Cossacks. And in the interests
of convenience and economy ho has
generously offered to retain his post-as
Minister of Munitions.

Another appointment which is prac-
tically settled and will doubtless win
the approval of the entire British
Empire is that of Lord ROTHEUMKHE
to the Governorship of New Guinea.
Here again the dictates of convenience
and economy will bo most happily
consulted, for, having a most efficient
astral body at his command, Lord
ROTHEKMF.RE will continue as Aii-
Minister to provide for the urgent
aerial needs of the Navy and Army,
and devote all the resources of his
subliminal consciousness to the solv-
ing of the problems involved.

We have also good authority for
staling that Lord NoBTHCUFFB, at the
urgent request of the PHIMF. MINIMTU

and the War Cabinet, will shortly pro-

ceed on a great propagandist and

publicity campaign to Tibet. The

I exact designation of his new office

has not yet been decided upon, but it

will probably bo " Supreme and Un-

j controlled World-Interpreter of Great

| Britain in the Far East." A special

feature of his mission will bo the

founding, staffing and organising of a

number of newspapers, a sphere of

activity in \\hich the Tibetans have

hitherto been deplorably backward.

Here again the dictates of economy as

well as convenience will be handsomely

consulted, as Lord NOHTHCLIFKI-: will

continue in his absence to hold the post

of Foreign Secretary (Extraordinary).

i Preparations for a suitable reception

j are already far advanced at Lhasa, and

I the GRAND LAMA is said to be in a stale

I of intense emotion at the prospect of

i entertaining his illustrious guest.

The hiiUVn hand may find in the ulum.it<>
result that it has cut off more than it out,

-tilrei

And then it \\ ill get into trouble with
Sir A in in; it

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI

[JANUARY 30, 1918.

Instructor. " GO ON 1 Kll.r. Ill VOD DON'T COME HEUE TO BE LEARNT TATTOOES'."

THE BLESSED ISLE.

(Written after a short experience of Lord KHONDDA'S
sugar-rations.)

I FAINT, I languish. Set me on an islo

Where only nut-shells pop beneath the palm,

And turtle unto turtle all the while

Says, " Where did that one go to ? "yet is calm

(Knowing which tree it was the young ape shinned
up),

And storms are not nor strafes, nor any wind up.

And further inland let me find a grove

Where the ripe cane drips juices all day long,

And build a temple by that treasure-trove
To Saccharina, subject of my song ; '

For worse than Fritz and his envenomed gases

I do detest this shortage of molasses.

And there the maple shall be also found
No whit less nectar'd than the Orient sweet

And just as nutritive, and all around

The woods be carpeted with bashful beet,

And vast refineries and mills be handy

Churning all day illimitable candy.

There let me sojourn for a few brief weeks
And bind the barley-sugar's golden braid,

And sticky both my hands and both my cheeks
And sport with Demerara in the shade,

And cut great cubes like glittering alabaster,

And be the batman of the Quartermaster :

And quite forget at last the fume, the fuss

Of this unsweetened twilight where we groan,

Saying, " You must not shake the caster thus,"
Or " You shall have one lump and one alone,"

Or " Herbert is a dear boy, greatly gifted,

But oh, so careless with the moist and sifted."

Ay, give me respite, give me but to breathe
That honeyed atmosphere in dreams at least,

And tread those spicy avenues and wreathe
My head with caramels and make a feast ;

And let no voice of outraged auuthood speak up

When I put fourteen cubes into my teacup.

And pale hut happier let me hear the call

Of duty after dalliance and awake
Ready to bear whatever may befall

The endless wiring or the iceless cake,
The Bosch, the 5'9s, the old trench fashions,
Or even England under sugar-rations. EVOE.

The Alternative.

"\Yanted, Concert Parties and Artistes for Saturday ConcrrU.
near Leeds; must be tip-top or useless." Yorkshire 1'apcr.

We could recommend quite a number of the latter kind.

"MEAT CRISIS.
ACUTE WEKK-F.XD SCAUCITY.

After the experience which tens of thousands of people must have
undergone during the past week-end it is idle to mince words."

Daily Paper.

But what else can one do ? One must have something
to eat.

I'UN'CH. Oil TIIK I/)N'I)ON CHAKIV.M'J. -.IxN.rtuv 30. 1918.

IN SUSPENSE.

THE IRISH ANDROMEDA (gazing u-anly at her various Champions in Convention). "IF THESE GENTLEMI'N
WOULD COME TO SOME EARLY AGREEMENT FOR RELIEVING THE SITUATION IT WOULD
GREATLY CONDUCE TO MY COMFORT."

PUNCH, OR TI1K LONDON CHARIVARI.

[.JANUARY 30, 1918.

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

January '21st. In the pre-
sent state of our relations with Russia
it is fortunate Unit wo have a Foreign
Minister who is especially acute in draw
ing nice distinctions. When Mr. KING
rushing in where even au archangel
might, fear to tread, inquired whethei
Russia was still au Allied State for the
purposes of the War, Mr. BALFOVR re-
plied, "As far as treaties can make hei
so, she is." Even Mr. TROT/.KY could
hardly take exception to that admirably
diplomatic sentence.

St. James's Square, once a sylvan
it for cats and clubmen, is now a
wilderness of bricks and mortar. In
reply to Sir ARTHUR FELT, the FIRST
COMMISSIONER OP WORKS disclaimed all
responsibility for the transformation,
which is the work of the American
Y.M.C.A. The blame, if any, attaches
to the nniicenu monde and not to our
own Sir ALFRED.

Several Members intended to oppose,
for all they were worth not a large
amount in some cases the passage of
the Military Service Bill. Their prin-
cipal objection was that it gave too
much power to the Director of National
Service. But Sir AUCKLAND GEDDES
has not forgotten the use of a good
bedside manner, and by promising his
patients to show them the prescription
that is, to lay his regulations ou the
Table of the House lie induced them
to swallow what they seemed to regard
as a disagreeable dose.

Tuesday, January %2ml. In a care-
fully-balanced speech Lord CUIWON
admitted a platonic affection for Pro-
portional Representation. It was
" complicated " but not " unintelli-
gible " as if anything could be unin-
telligible to that massive brain !
"difficult" but not "impracticable."
He would like to see the experiment
tried, but nevertheless advised their
Lordships to vote against it. Lord
CREWE said "ditto to Mr. BURKE," but
the Peers preferred .the arguments of
Lord CHAPLIN and Lord COURTNEY (for
whom " P. R," has furnished, probably
for the first time in their political lives,
a common enthusiasm) and carried
the proposal by a majority of ninety.
Thus for the second time in a fort-
night, Lord CUHZON found himself in
the unenviable position of Bo-Peep.

By way of answer, I presume, to the
charge that the politicians interfere too
much with the conduct of the War, the
Government have decided that the
soldiers shall have a chance of taking
their part in politics. Accordingly to
any soldier, commissioned or not, who
is adopted as a Parliamentary candidate,
special furlough is to lie granted. It

is anticipated that this new method o:
' wangling " a few days' leave will be
very popular in the trenches.

Another injustice to Ireland has been
discovered by Mr. Fn;r,i). Ordnance-
workers under the Agricultural Depart-
ment in his praceful country are, it

A GOOD BEDSIDE UANNEK.
SIB AUCKLAND GEDDES.

seems, paid only twenty-nine shillings
a week, while similar workers at Wool-
wich are paid forty-seven shillings. It
was delicately explained to him that
he Ordnance Survey to which the
"rishmea belonged was concerned with
the manufacture of maps, while the
special business of Woolwich was to
construct the means of altering them.

Bo-i>Ei-;r.

I.OKD C'UrtZON.

The CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUEI
had " nothing to add " to his previous
answer about the increase in race
meetings; but, lest he should be ae
cused of encouraging gambling, assurer'
the House immediately afterwards tha
the Government had no intention o:
issuing Premium Bonds.

Mr. TREVELYAN complained that
among the pamphlets seized in
recent raid was one containing
message to the British Labour Con-
ference from the Bolshevist " Ambassa-
dor " in London, and demanded that
the pamphlets should be at once
returned, " in order that the Russian
representative might be allowed to
address the British working-class in
what words he pleased." As his words
seern to have included "gross mis-
representations of the attitude of the
British Government to the Russian
people " the HOME SECRETARY declined
the request, and added that ho was
Considering the question of prosecu-
tion. The House loudly cheered the
discovery that there are limits to the
privileges of those who " lie abroad for
;he good of their country."

Wednesday, January "23rd. In the
absence of Sir LEO CHIOZZA MONEY
the SECRETARY OF THE ADMIRALTY re-
ceived the full force of Mr. HOUSTON'S
daily cascade of Shipping Questions.
\n attempt to divert it, by the request
*hat his tormentor should put his views
n writing, was met by the reply that
he had already done so to the extent
of ten pages of manuscript ; and Dr.
MACNAMARA, fearing trouble with the
Paper Commission, did not press the
suggestion. But I noticed that he
seemed quite interested a little later
on, when Mr. MACTHKRSON, in the
course of an answer on Army dentistry,
spoke of the care now taken " in the
treatment of jaw-cases."

On the motion for the adjournment
a number of Members went head- hunt-
ing. This classical sport, as practised
by the Dyaks in Borneo, involved the
discharge of poisoned darts through a
blow-pipe, and the House of Commons
has not materially altered the method.
As the attack was led by Major DAVID
DA VIES, formerly Private Secretary to
the PRIME MINISTER, it is supposed
that the Head of the Government was
the object aimed at ; but most of the
shots went wide and hit the Head of
our Army in France. Mr. MACTHER-
SON'S defence would have been more
effective if he had not been careful to
explain that he was " not speaking for
the War Cabinet." The head-hunters
included Mr. KENNEDY JONES, who
(tcste Mr. ROCHE) " moves in the best
political circles," and Mr. KING, who
only argues in them.

JANUARY 30, 1918.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

Thursday, January %-itk. Echoes of
last night's debate \\vro still rumbling
through tho House this afternoon.
Mr. BONAR LAW, on the invitation of
Sir HEDWOKTH MKUX, strongly depiv
catod Press attacks upon distinguished
sailors and soldiers, hut when further
invited to put the Cr.xsoit into motion
described the suggestion as " easier to
make than to carry out."

Mr. HOUSTON'S latest complaint
against tho shipping authorities is that
a cargo of "premier jus" has been
held up in Argentina. Members who
had jumped to the conclusion that the
commodity was a species of "ginger'
specially intended for tho stimulation
of 1'rimo Ministers, were disappointed
to learn that it was only "refined ani-
mal fat."

A notable addition to the many ex-
cellent maiden speeches delivered tin's
Session was made by Lieut-General
Sir A. HUNTER-WINSTON. " Forcible,
eloquent, and vivid," as Mr. HERBERT
SAMUEL rightly described it, this fresh
breeze from tho WESTON front blew
away all the remaining opposition to
the Military Service Bill.

THE "SPOKE."

DEAR MB. PUNCH, An article re-
cently appeared in your pages, entitled
" The New Industry " and dealing with
the manufacture of spills, which must,
I think, have deeply shocked all careful
students of this subject. It cannot
have been the writer's intention to
mislead, yet it is strange that bo should
not be aware that the spill, in which
ho takes so childlike a delight, is
already obsolete and went out, in the
best circles, some time before queues
came in. It has been finally super-
seded by the very device to which he
so contemptuously refers as an " ineffi-
cacious tube," namely the spoke.

I froely admit that a spoke made out
of a whole Morning Post is impossible
and indeed ridiculous. It must be
made of a single whole sheet of news-
paper, and should be light and firm,
crisp and hollow, and some four feel; in
length.

It can hardly be necessary at this
time of day to give any detailed account
of the properties of the spoke, but I
may perhaps point out its leading
features namely, that it lies in the
fender and lasts for a week.

Would you picture it in action ? I
take it up absent-mindedly as my pipe
goes out, and without rising from my
armchair, without taking my eyes off
my book, I prod gently in the grale,
pluck up a little head of flame, bring it
with a turn of tho wrist in contact
with my pipe.

Chincae Sleu-aril (to new Giinlai/cr). "LAST VOYAGE HE SUBMALIXKD."

Gunlauer. " THAT 's EXTOEMELY SAD, OSWALD. HAVE YOU WBITTEX TO TIIE ADMIRALTY

AIlOl'X IT?"

But what does our spillman do?

(1) He springs up.

(2) Pulls out several spills fvom the

vase on tho mantelpiece.

(3) Puts back the superfluous ones.

(4) Stoops down with the selected

one.

(5) Burns his fingers.

(6) Lights it.

(7) Lights his pipe.

(8) Puts out the spill.

(9) Puts it back.

(10) Sits down and (inds his pipe is

out.

(11) Starts again.

It may be that he is one of those
who prefer, after the sedentary life of
.he ollice, to take exercise this way in
;he evening. Jf so lie is unamenable

to reason. But let me tell him that in
the hearts of his countrymen the spoke
has already proved itself not only
superior to spills but. (in the immediate
neighbourhood of the hearth) siqierior

: :'hCK.

I am, yours as usual,

STATISTICIAN.

"If you arc unablo to ofler your services
during the daytimo you can help to carry
wounded and other men at Victoria from
twclvo until midnight." Weekly Dispatch.

It won't take you a moment.

"The Arethusa took part in tho attack on
Admiral Hipper's bottle-cruisers."

Jfanricli and Ikircrcuurt Keicsman,

A new typo ; believed to be a species of
drinking- vessel.

PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVAEI.

f JANUABY 30, 1918.

OUR HEROIC ECONOMISTS.

WELL-KNOWN PEOPLE BBSCKIBE TJIRIH
PATKIOTIC PHIVATIOXS.

ing for bread. Surely they would be
far wiser to eat cake? The reason
why rich people are so seldom seen in
queues is not that usually given

the days when real meat was placed
upon the table, and so fond am I be-
coming of substitutes that I am con-
fident that however long the War lasts

?" el J'. tbat they send their servants

Bv way of setting a good example ; ' ?"f e J'. a ey sen er servans
the Sfa Mr. Punch has invited aj-stead, no, U,at other one, that they

number of prominent personages to

inform him of

making to win the War.

Lord Cujixox writes :

One of the great lessons which this j paper. Everyone should help in the
War has taught us is that we never I great cause which wo have at heart.
know what wo can do till we try. The'

are served at the back door but that
they are more ready to use substitutes.
For example, if I can't get Turkish cigar-
ettes I smoke Virginian, and when I

shall hail the return to normal menus
with distaste. In our household substi-
tution has been carried to a fine art.
My dear wife, who is the most ingeni-
ous of women, has hit upon some won-

other day, for example, I had my first

derful devices, her aim being to find sub

can't get Virginian I shall smoke brown . stitutes for substitutes, and some day

slio is confident, if her researches can
be sufficiently prolonged, of finding

Lord RTIOSDVA. writes :-

ride in an omnibus, and really it isn't The country would be electrified did
bad at all. But for the other people jit know what I and my wife really live
in it 1 believe I should almost have 'on. Now and then it is necessary for
enjoyed it.

A well-known Lady

Novelist (writiiKj

from titratford-on -

Acon) says :

I have recently
made considerable re-
ductions in my house-
hold stores. During
such a war as this
everyone must prac-
tise self-denial.
Sir Pluto Knitt,

G.B.E., writes :

It is probably on the
rich that the new food
restrictions bear most
hardly, because the
rich are accustomed
to food and are in
danger of neglecting
some of their duties
if they are deprived of
it, whereas the poor
will go along very
much as usual. Per-
sonally I hold.that one
should grin and bear it.
Fortitude with Fun

sufficiently prolonged, of
substitutes for substitutes for substi-
tutes, which is very high patriotism
indeed and worthy of a D.B.E. For ex-
ample, being unable one day to get
any turbot, she caught the gold-fish
"; and cooked them, put-
ting in the bowl in
their place some sliced
carrots shaped by her
; clever hands exactly
| like its recent finny
! denizens. The next
iday, when fish was
' again not to he pro-
cured, she cooked the
carrots. A marvellous
manager ! But her
i greatest inspiration
: was, when a certain
famous General was
dining with us, to
empty the shot out of
several of my sporting
cartridges for caviare.
Judge then with what
reluctance I shall view
the arrival of peace.

I WANT TO

Sister. "Now BE QUIET AND GO TO BI.EI:P."

Wounded Tommy. "I WANT TO SEE THE MEDICAL OFFICER.

A COMPLAINT."

Sister. "WELL, YOU MUST WAIT TILL THE MORNING.
TEN O'CLOCK."

Tommy. "TEN O'CLOCK! WHY, OUT THERE WE UBED TO CABBY ON THE WYR

TILL HALF-PAST ELEVEN OB EVES A QUARTER TO TWELVE."

IT 'S TOO LATE SOW IT '

THE PERSONAL
NOTE.

MY young friend
the Hatter has done
so splendidly in the
has long been j me to come out in the open, at, say, an I War that it is hard to believe that

people that there should be no need 1914, could never settle down to any-
for queues at all, and so forth, but thing. He had plenty of talent but

?u y V ? m fc n' ^ hen y estel ' da y' at Aldwych Club lunch, Just to assure he is tbe"same"boy"who~up 'to" August"

;he Club, I ordered beef and had to put ''- LK - i xl - 1 ' 1 ' n

up with mutton, did I lose my temper

or grumble? Not a bit. Nor should normally I exist practically on air.' We ! apparently no concentraUoiY,"and "by
I ordered mutton and was forced . have it both hot and cold. I doubt if the time he was five-and-twentv had
to eat venison or even pheasant. But , any household has got rationing down made half-a-dozen false starts. I pro-
Government none the less, to a finer point than we have, unless pose briefly to relate the last of these

r 1 1 ! I". Ti*n f*rt \~\ \~\fi ri firl rA>i f A* * V 1 __ P -t . i ** -n * v

that we can be tried too far.
Mr

i possibly our friends the YAPPS. For -his effort to

. MzZBOUBms Ixir.iN (the Billiard ; breakfast, the weight per person of | journalism. There was no r
Champion) u- rites : jouo postage -stamp. For lunch, two ho shouldn't have succeed

secure a foothold in
reason why

Realising the seriousness of the situ- ] P st age-stamps. No tea. For dinner,
ation I have reluctantly given up e<*s reo . postage-stamps. And I
It may not generally be known that a f f lfc bettel ' Ol> lllore in trim to
most excellent substitute for an egg is ; , e . .Problems
an old billiard-ball soaked in vinegar

n
food

never

tackk
distribution,

I often

which no doubt will one day arise.
Mr. WILLIAM LE QUEUE writes :

1 have given up the " Le."
Sir Trencher Mann (Ex - Sh,-, ///'

It distresses me so to think of poor j London) icrites :
people standing about in queues wait- i

for a day or so to soften it.
make a dinner off two of these.
A Society War-Worker writes :

had a trick with the pen and a nice
taste, beyond the fact that he was the
Hatter ; life seemed to him something
of a mad tea-party, and he would
i always sacrifice the main chance to his
freakish humour. He was full of his
new scheme as he invariably was
j talked to me most sensibly as his
"j j father's oldest friend, and I was so
i much impressed that I gave him an
I look back with a kind of horror to i introduction to Crawley Bland, the

JANUAKY 30, 1918.)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

Kobiiic (who is eat iny aiti'jtlierd'i pie, aiul hat been talil nut tu be wasteful). 'MuiUUB, mar 1 EAT mm? IT'S SUCH A PAKTI< **;.
NASTY BIT OP THE SHEPHERD."

editor of The Appreciate, \ month
later lie came to report progress and
greelod me with effusion.

" Uncle Dick," lie said, " you are a
real benefactor."

"Well," I replied, " I suppose tin's
means that you arc now prosperously
launched on flic sea of literary journ-
alism '.' '

"That's ii rather large deduction,"
said the llutter; "hut, anyhow, I've
written a review for The, A/>[vcit<Ji:
it hasn't appeared, ami I don't think it
will. I5ut no matter; ' more was lost
on Mohae/ field.' I've had a great
time with old Craw ley .Bland. 1 took
your letter of introduction. [ was
shown up into Ms sanctum, and he
'minowdhered and minandhoml and
blandandherod,' a- Mi/lr/mcy would
ha\e saiii, for the space of a quarter of
an hour on the privileges and duties of
criticism. Finally he handed me a
book for review, with instructions that
as far as possible I should give due
prominence to" the personal note, and
I ho\\ed my-eh out in a super-fatted
condition."

- "And then you wont home ;md
butchered the book '! "

"Oh, no, Uncle Dicli. I didn't cut, it
up and then sell the copy and buy a.

bottle of brandy with the proceeds, like
Bludyer. I faithfully carried out my
instructions, and did so all the more
easily because it happened that 1 had
been at school and Oxford with the
author. So 1 began by observing that
knowledge of an author's antecedents
and environment was always helpful
in appraising his work, and described |
how Mr. Blank, owing to the sudden |
failure and imprisonment of bis father]
as a defaulting solicitor, had l)eeii j
obliged to cut short bis academic
career and take to journalism under an
assumed name."

" You put that in the review ? "

"Yes. You see it was greatly lp
his credit. Besides ho never liked his
father."

" Any other personal note

" Not much. I said that, although
he suffered from epileptic fits, he was
the best bridge-player of his time at
Oxford and a master of the art of
ornamental objurgation rather a good
phrase that, I thought. And then at
the end, after saying the book was
marked by vitality ' and ' artistry,' I
expressed surprise that, having pub-
lished his lirst novel with Broadwood,
he had issued this through the bouse of '
Pougher. 1 put it in that delicate way

just for people to road between tlio
lines, for you know the sort of bilge
that Poughor habitually prints."

" So tho Editor turned you down ? "

"Yes, I meant him to, after the way
he bad turned mo up at our interview.
But he wrote me a priceless letter, re-
gretting that in the exuberance of youth
1 had so crudely misinterpreted his
instructions."

" Hatter, you are incorrigible. What
would you have done if Crawley Bland
had printed your review ? "

" ' Imagination's widest stretch ih
wonder dies away.' But I knew my
man. Journalistic soap-boilers don't
run those risks.''

" So literary journalism is off ' now, 1
suppose. And what *s the next move V "
' " I don't quite know. I 'in thinking
of becoming a professional singer
oratorio, Albert Hall, you know."

But ho didn't. Six weeks later the
Hatter deserted the Muses for Mars
and has remained methodically sane
ever since.

Mi. Bon fruits will MUR, assisted by
.veil known vocalists. All seas free."
Keening Paptr.

Count Hi-:nTi.iNfi \\ill he glad to hear of

this.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANUARY 30, 1918.

TWO LITTLE ADVENTURES.

ON Friday last it became my duty to convoy to Buxforc
a lad aged ten years and a-half who acknowledges me as
his father and is convinced that my proper task in life
during his holidays, is to minister to his amusements and
to afford him my companionship. Ordinarily he is of a
lighthcarted, not to say rollicking, disposition ; but on this
occasion he was going back to school, and his high spirits
were slightly dashed by the knowledge. I do not say he
was gloomy, for that would be untrue, but ho was conscious
every now and then of life's seriousness when it has to be
lived under the eyes of masters, and there came into his
face, like a cloud sweeping over a sunny landscape, a tinge
of regret for the less severely regulated joys of home. I do
not blame him ; I like to see a boy put a bold face on his
return to school, but it is pleasant also to know that he
appreciates his home.

Well, we jogged along in our cross-country train, and at
last, after many stoppages, we arrived at Buxford as the
shades of evening were closing in. Our school was two
miles distant, but in the station-yard there were n.o taxis
or vehicles of any kind. A porter who was consulted
proved to bo a pessimist. " Sometimes," he said, " you
could get a conveyance, sometimes you couldn't ; " and this
apparently was some time when you couldn't. Was it any
use waiting? "Well, you never could tell whether a fly
mightn't turn up."

As he uttered these philosophical reflections I became
aware of a movement, and up the hill there came slowly out
of the heart of the shadows a no, it couldn't be yes,
indeed it was a HANSOM ! How had it come here, this
.habby disused gondola of the ancient streets of London ?
Old memories came flooding back at its aspect. I hailed
it and became its temporary possessor, and the boy and I
tucked ourselves into it as best we could.

It is not too much to say that our drive was a lurid
one. The driver began by handling a lever and closing
the doors on my fingers. All the old fears and all the old
inconveniences were there. The horse, poor beast, was the
slowest and the laziest in the world. It never fell down,
but was always on the verge of falling, and constantly in
imagination I saw myself and the boy describing parabolas
in the air and landing on our heads in the middle of the
slushy road.

Besides, the driver owned and used a whip the lash
of which often missed the flanks of the horse and showed
a tendency to entangle itself in our eyes. .This led. to an
interchange of amenities with .the driver, and what between
anger, terror and strong words he and 'I were fairly ex-
hausted when at last we arrived at our destination^ The
boy alone wa=i calm, and; I afterwards strove to impress
upon him the memory of the historic occasion when he
drove in a ghostly hansom with a demon driver to his school.
For myself I marvel how men endured this, terrify ing sort
of carriage for so long. This was my first small adventure.
My second had taken place before the first began, but I
place it second because it was slighter and not so full of
violent emotions. During part of our journey we had as a
fellow-traveller a very young officer, over whose feet I
tripped as I entered the carriage and with whom I ex-
changed reciprocal apologies. He appeared to think that
this incident had given me some claim upon his courtesy,
for when next he produced his cigarette-case ho offered me,
with a most winning smile and with extreme politeness, a
cigarette. Here, I thought to myself, is a youngster who
has no use for the alleged surliness of the travelling
Englishman. He is probably on leave from the Front and
is going to see his home. Being therefore very happy he

is determined to make everybody else as happy as he can,
and witli this view ho gives mo a cigarette.

I watched him with a sympathetic interest. As our
journey proceeded he became restless, and at last, when wo
stopped at Fiddington, lie sprang up, seized his belongings
and flew rather than stepped out of the carriage on to the
platform. There he gave a shout, a loud and joyful "Ah !"
and, rushing forward, was gathered into the arms of a lady
whom I guessed to bo his mother. I had only a glimpse,
for the train quickly moved on and the light was beginning
to fade, but that glimpse kept me happy until we came to
Buxford. If this should happen to catch the eye of a young
and good-looking officer who on Friday week travelled to
Fiddington I should like him to realise how much pleasure
ho gave to a fellow-traveller by his gift of a cigarette and
by his joyous greeting of a gentle lady. E. C. L.

THE HELLES HOTEL.

WHEN I consider how my life is spent

In this dark world of sugar-cards and queues,

Where none but babes get proper nourishment
And meanly men remunerate the Muse,

I dream of holidays when Peace is sent,

But not such dreams as common persons use

I know a headland at the Dardanelles

Where I shall build the best of all hotels.

I know a cliff-lop where the wealthy guest
From languid balconies shall each day view

Far over Sarnothrace the tired sun rest
And melt, a marvel, into Europe's blue,

To come hack blushing out of Asia's breast
And hang, at noon, divided 'twixt the two,

While shuttered casements looking out to Troy

Shall faintly stimulate the Fifth-Form boy.

There shall they have, with those delicious skies,
All that rich ease for which the Armies prayed,

Nor dust nor drought nor shortage of supplies,
But long cool glasses in the cypress' shade,

And starlight suppers, and, of course, no flics,
And in their bathing-place no mules decayed ;

Shall swim in the JEgean, if they want,

Or go and do it in the Hellespont.

There shall they hear from olives overhead
The cricket call to them and no shells sing,

While painted lizards flash before their tread
And in green gullies trills the sudden Spring;

Shall walk, unblinded by disease and dread,
Where myrtle beckons and rock-roses cling,

And find it difficult to tell their aunts

The proper names of all these funny plants.

There shall they see across the storied Sound
Some snow-peak glisten like a muffled star,

And murmur, " That 's Olympus, I '11 he bound,"
And tread old battle-fields where vineyards are ;

With scarred young veterans they'll amble round
The Turks' entanglements at Sedd-el-Bahr,

And practise at a reasonable charge

Heroic landings in the hotel barge.

But there are dates when tourists shall be banned,
High dates of April and of early June,

When only they that bear the Helles brand,
A few tired Captains and the Tenth Platoon,

Shall see strange shadows in that flowery land
And ghostly cruisers underneath the moon :

And only they shall scale the sunny hills,

And they alone shall have no heavy bills. A. P. H.

JANIUKY :i(), MMH.j

PUNCH, OH TIIK LONDON CHARIVARI.

'WHAT'S rp, ALF? You I:OS'T EF.KM HALF IN A IIAOK!"

"SO-I-D YOU BE IF YOU SAW A 1 LINKIN' CIVILIAN FANNING VOl'B BEST OIRI. WITH HIS BEASTLY EXEMPTION CiBD.'

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

(/?// Ifr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)
THOUGH I have found The Stucco House (Uxwix) a singu-
larly depressing work, this is less my ground of complaint
than a suspicion that the gloom is there for its own sweet
sake, and without the excuse of any more artistic purpose.
The house was that in which Jamie and Catherine con-
tinued the troubled existence which you may recall from a
previous book, and brought up, very badly, an increasing
family. Detestable, every one of them (the picture on the
wrapper does them no more than justice, and I can't say
anything worse than that), so that I found myself pain-
fully indifferent to the long-drawn shipwreck, mutual
loathing, drink, lunacy and every kind of disaster that
finally overwhelms the group. But what 1 should like to
ask of Mr. GII.HSHT CANNAN is (so to speak) some statement
of his war-aims. What is he out for? Is the tale an
ndictment of conventional morality, of mental stucco-
jlastering, of the commercial idea or what? Surely in
any case Jamie himself, who cared for none of these thi'ngs,
night have been presented as a rather more endurable
Sharacter. The fact seems to be that Mr. CANNAN'S people
ack humanity; they impress mo as figures of tin cleverly
minted to look like men and women, but empty, so tha't
their fall produces clatter but no sense of tragedy. The
}ity of this is the greater because Mr. CANNAN as artist has
ust that quickening sense of beauty which should save
lim from his present fault of co'.d cleverness. He can give
you the essentials of a scene or a situation unforgettably,
whether it be like the home-coming of Jamie in the begin-
ling of the book, with its wonderful sketch of Mersey-side
andscape, or a sordid grotesque such as the cheese-cake
pisode that marks his domestic downfall. For this I

should compare him to TCHEXOV, but he misses the Rus-
sian's sympathy and affection for his characters. It is
perhaps the absence of this that makes Mr. CANNAN'S
catastrophes so hollow-sounding.

My reading of Dust (DUCKWORTH) has produced in me
the sensation of an unexpected encounter with the antique.
Perhaps because I had supposed that these careful records
of Lancastrian or Yorkist domesticity had had their clav.
Far from it, however ; here is Mr. JOHN L. CARTER detailing
for us the home life of Leeds, the intolerant manufacturer-
parent, the uncomprehending mother, the revolting (in
both senses) daughter in fact the whole dreiry menace,
as though we were back in 1890 and the Repertory Drama
yet slept within the womb of Time. I hardly think I need
give you any precise report of it nil. You know by now
{ how the son's evening hours and courtships will be resented
by the stern parent, how the business will decline, the

I daughter marry the curate, and -all the trivial uninteresting
round of it. True, when Mr. CAUTF.R allowed us to observe
his paterfamilias embracing the girl from the confectioner's,

I 1 anticipated some ray of novelty : but all that came of this
I was (inconsequentially) a resolve on the part of Mr. and

Mrs. Curate that theirs should bo a union in name alone,
which of course plunged us straight into a convention even
older than the Manchester School. The fact .is, I am
afraid that these Northern parlours are no longer the happy
hunting-ground for realistic fiction that they once were;
nor perhaps is Mr. CARTER equipped with the manner that
would enable him to tell an arid tale refreshingly. Dust,
in short, is a title all too fatally apt.

AVir ami Oil (CONSTABLE) is a volume of hitherto un-
published work letters, thoughts and some graceful verses,

PUNCH, OR T11K LONDON CHARIVARI.

30, li)LH.

\vitli reprinted assays and criticisms collected the real lover of tlie free life, to Daphne, who is only play-
aiid edited as a memorial to" a very accomplished writer ing with it, that I most cordially commend. Some of us who
mid charming character In Mr. A/C. BRADLEY. EDITH have talked glibly about the delight of caravans and the
SICIIKI. led a double life ;is a laborious scholar and versatile I open road will, after reading Miss CROSHIE'S book, recognise
cr itio and as a friend of the poor and unfortunate, a j sadly that this is not our natural sphere.

.- patronage, but '

In the early pages of 'J'lii' 'J't>iiijiliii,j Tlwmjht ( MILLS AND

friendship not bounded by gifts and easy patron
expressed in austere, con-taut, self-denying work

and

sympathetic companionship with her proteges. It was a : BOON) Mr. (or Miss) HYLTON CLEAVKK tells us how lletly, the
beautiful life, sustained by a deep religious faith, lighted accomplished and industrious junior typist to an engineering
with a Vine intelligence and enriched by varied interests ! firm in the City, is oppressed by her superior, the wicked
JIM! staunch lo\ allies. Of the letters and she belonged \ Miss linrkxliaif, and is rescued by John, the junior partner,
to ' generation that used the pen, not the typewriter, so who shortly afterwards marries her and drops out of the
that the\ have a gracious leisurely air I enjoyed especi- . book. John is a veritable ///</// flu'rni KT. Bill and Pftcr

this kind, only more so. Bill secures little
'iiniioii as his own without much difficulty ; but
I'i'ti'i; a confirmed romantic, gets started on the wrong
path and does not find it easy going. Ho has once seen an

ally one packed with irreverent humour about the crown- are also of

ing of the T>ards at an Kisteddfod (dare one be as flippant Marijaret (',

on so sacred a subject now that Cymry is in power'.') ; and

a letter more human than that of the usual writer on

pilgrimage, describing her visit to GKORGE SAND'S garden | attractive girl-child in a black bus outside a public-house,

at Nohant. Perhaps the "Thoughts" selected from her and ho hunts for her all the world over. Eventually he

notebooks do not always escape
truisms, and they are too
seriously felt to be em-
broidered with mere wit.
But here and there is a
jewel of insight or wisdom.
A short study of East-end
life, written with a certain
grim power and here pub-
lished for the first time,
shows the writer
unusual mood.

in an

the charge of being finds her (but he doe.-n'i really lind her, you know) at a

ball. She has become the,
wicked .!//. BarJcsJuiu)
(see above), and she nearly
traps the foolish /V/V/,
whose Aunt Isuliel just
manages to save him. I
ought to add that the
author writes of rowing
and of Henlev Regnita
with a truly infections
enthusiasm. The descrip-
tion of the race in which

I " The -Metropolitan Row-
ing Club " wins the Grand
Challenge Cup is an ex-
cellent and stirring piece
of work though it is un-
usual, i think, for a cox-
swain lo urge his crew on
by calling upon them to
"Dip! Dip! Dip! " \or
was it customary, 1 be-
lieve, at Henley or at
other Thaiires lirna! tas to

: announce the end of a
race by firing a pistol.

COMBIN0-OUT IN THE MIDDLE AGBS.
The Official Torturer (applying for exemption). "I VKIIY MUCH DOIT.T n

A SUBSTITUTE COULD BE FOUND; AND I WARN YOU, GENTLEMEN, THAT
INEXPERT TREATMENT IS SURE TO CREATE A FEr.LIXG OF VNRKST AMONIi
THE PRISONERS IN THE ROYAL DUNGEONS."

Permit me to introduce
you to an admirable piece
of fun with a lot of sound
sense attached to its tail.
Its name is Escapade
(ARNOLD), and Miss MARY
CROSBIK'S purpose in writ-
ing it was to help us to
escape " from the pressure
of war thoughts for an
hour or two at a time." I
have known other authors
who have been imbued
with the same beneficent

idea, but none of them has been more successful in carry- ; These, however, are trifles. The great point is" thai ' I'drr
ing it out. Daphne Carey, a rich and young American wins Iiai-h,im and thus brings to an end a sound, whole-
heiress, believes herself disgusted with the world of flunkey- some and interesting story,
dom, and buys a small island somewhere off the S.W. coast
of England, on which she means to forget all about tiresome
lovers and live the simple life. On her way to the island
she meets a trio of strolling vagabonds, and promptly takes
them with her. All three are types, and in their special
line perfectly delightful. Jitstina, a middle-aged lady who
lias left her rich husband because she longs for freer scope,
is nominally in charge of this troupe, but as at critical
moments she is always talking hot air or painting cloud
effects there is no depending upon her. Her adopted
daughter, .////, is really the mainstay of the party, the only
one who has the true spirit of vagabondage in her, the
untamed creat ure loathing bridle and bit. Henry, Just ina's
son (also adopted, and no one was ( .ver more adopt-
ble than hei, struggled hard with a poem of gigantic
dimensions, and tried for all he was worth to be tinconven-
nonal. JUit he had a suburban mind, and when attacked
by measles was practically done for as a vagabond. Of
iourse men from Dap/ine's abandoned world enter into the
story and add to the fun of it, but it is the attitude of Jill,

\ HEARTLESS THIEF.
Tis not because, returning last night late,

\Vo found my wife's few jewels, brooches, rings
And such-like, gone and with them all our plate,
I feel for thee a large Teutonic halo

And curse thee thus, O man who stole these
things.

"Tis not for this I long to spill thy gore,

But, man to man, 1 ask thee, was it right
'1 o use my last five matches, treasured more
Than gold, and leave their corpses on the floor,
Having thus robbed us by their precious light'.'

DICK Tup.riN would not so have stained his fame,

Not thus would SHEPPAKD his career have marred.
All just men's hatred shall surround thy name,
And lor this tinal, Hunnish, deed of shame

A righteous judge shall give thee ten years' hard.

FEIIUUABY G, l!tl,V

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAIU.

CHARIVARIA.

IT seems a pity that tlie Treasury
should have decided not to issue five-
shilling notes, when they would have
proved so useful for wrapping up the

Sunday joint. .,. ..
* '

A sensation was caused in a London
suburb last week when it was reported
that a young woman had accidentally
swallowed some margarine.

It appears that tho man charged at
Eastbourne with wandering plead, si

that he joined tho queue at lledhill.

* *

On inquiring about the lady who

stated in the County Court that she

had been frightened

by a rabbit, we find

that it was not a one-

and-nine-pcnny one.

: *

A large piece of
shrapnel is reported
to have fallen on a
building where a Food
Committee was sit-
ting. We doubt, how-
ever, whether even
this sort of thing will
ever succeed in mak-
ing air-raids really
popular. # ...

It is stated that the
paper shortage is caus- !
ing great anxiety to
boot and shoe repair-
ers, who fear that if
supplies are any fur-
ther restricted they
may bo compelled to
use leather.

Guardians to present tho workhouse impression that it was Spring. On
barrel-organ to the < r Museum, being informed of its mistake it replied

philosophically, "Well, I've got first

According to a Geneva telegram, " a ' place in the queue, anyhow."
new typo of Zeppelin is undergoing **

its trials over Lake Constance." Its The Ministry of Food states that
tribulations will no doubt be undergone under the ne\v rationing scheme meat

elsewhere.

" Lantern slides," says a c./ntein-
porary, " are tho latest device to be
used by tho Food Ministry to acquaint
the public with the position of food
supplies." Wo usually have recourse
to the microscope to locate ours.
* , *

A Chicago bride
revolver by her father as a wedding-

present. We have before now noticed

will include sau^a^c-. \\ -velcome the
iring implication.

T1IK NYMI50I, ill-' TlIK T\NK.
\.\ l'rci\u I Smith i-.iid that tin- ^appeal
' Julian ' v.a- mad' to all .lasses to
the wherewithal for tin- carrying on
of the war. If they kept up the start they
th. id made I.e,th would come out with a re-
11 atshigh, M in the country."

Edittmtrgh Kivning \eic>.

Tlio printer, at any rate, has played up
splendidly.

"Families Supplied."

" Pair, 1,

Ij6."Tlie Lady.

Safe Bind, Safe Find.
Letter received by
a firm of safe manu-
facturers :

"Would you kindly
scad me one of your cata-
logue!!, on your secret
safes? I have been away
two yean in a foreign
port, and I am coming
home some time in Janu-
ary ; and I think it would
I* very safe to keep my
money in also my wife, it
would be better for her
while I am away on active
o."

TlIKATlUCAL MANAGERS ARE EXPERIENCING A CONSIDERABLE AUGUST OF TBOCBLK
AND EXPENSE IN ENGAGING PERSONS TO ACT AS CROWDS. ONE MANAGER, IN HIS
ROMAN ARENA SCENE, HAS GOT OVEB THE DIFFICULTY WITH TUB HELP OP A LABCE
LOOKING-GLASS TUAT REFLECTS TUB GALLERY.

A commercial traveller has been sum- 1 the strong objection that some women

moned for using bad language to a taxi-
driver. It is only fair to the taxi-driver
to say that he did not know the lan-
guage was had till a policeman told
him so. ,,.

The Marquis of AHERUAVENNY is sell-
ing his Monmouthshire estates, which
include two mountains. He is said to
bo breaking up his collection of the

latter.

"Tho Variety Artistes' Federation,"
says a news item, " advocate Parlia-
mentary representation for their pro-
fession." We think they might well be
content with the excellent substitutes
they have in the House.

We can think of no finer example of
the splendid self-saciitice of the age
than the decision of tho Colchester

have to using the word "obey" in the
marriage service.

* *
*

Owing to the activities of tho Pan-
Germans the KAISEK desires it to be
known that it isn't his War any
longer. # *

" The present Parliament," says The
Evening Neivs, " is the longest since
Charles II." This, we understand, is
denied by the Kitchen Committee, who
claim that it is merely thinner, which
makes it look longer than it really is.

*..,*

" People that have no towns have no
history," said Dr. A. SHADWELL in a
recent speech. But they sometimes

have butter, which is a far rarer boon.

t-. *

An evening paper slates that a tor-
toise arrived at Blackheath under the

"The Price of Foods
Commission visited a tan-
nery to-day. To-morrow
tho commission will re-
sume the taking of evi-
dence in the boot trade."
A u.ilralian Paper.

Nothing like leather, except perhaps for

eating.

Strange Behaviour of a Brougham.

"A brougham, in which a lady was riding.

shied at a coal dray in on Thursday last,

and sprang through the shop window of tin

s of Mr. , furniture dealer."

The Cabinet-Maker.

"In any scheme of coal conservation the
valuable by-products of the gaswords, essential
in peace and vital in war, must also be con-
sidered." Scots Paper.

Our politicians may be trusted to see
to that.

THK INITKD STATES' WAR PRE-
PARATIONS.

AN AMAZING PROGRAMME.

America's second million million will be
in tin- tii-itl long before the coming year i*
through.". Ti me i <>/ Ceylon.

" Amazing " seems the right word.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[FEBRUABY 6, 1918.

WILLIAM II. ON DEMOCRACY.

NOT for myself ; I little care

For loud Imperial pomp and show ;
None of the uniforms I wear

Affords mo satisfaction, no ;
My throne and crown, my high degree,

My busts that figure many a column

on,
All are but vanity to me

Just as they would have been to
SOLOMON.

From time to time I long to slough

The regal state that wraps me round,
To be reborn of common stuff

And move, like mortals, on the

ground ;
To seek, beyond the sacred pale,

Those joys that never gods like me

know,
And lead in some sequestered vale

The simple life as led by TINO.

But oh, my people ! 'Tis for them,

For their dear sake, I may not shed
This tedious orb and diadem,

Leaving my sheep unshepherded ;
How would they miss, with me away,

The fold that now my flock I pen in,
And wander off, an easy prey

To Socialistic wolves like LENIN !

Being a simple German breed,

They 're not at present ripe for that ;
A guiding hand is what they need

Before they play the democrat ;
As I observed to TKOTSKY'S crew,

I 'm all for " self-determination,"
But any step with this in view

Must first secure my approbation.

So here I am and here remain,

And, should they bleat for better food,
I must, though mine the harder pain,

Adopt a blood-and-iron mood ;
Their rebel ranks with guns I '11 sweep

And into mutton have them pep-
pered,
Which is the just reward of sheep

That strike against their loving shep-
herd. O. S.

"A shoal of herrings unexpectedly made
their appearance off Deal." The Times.

In future Lord EHONDDA would be glad
to have notice.

" Charming Black Bear Goat Fur Set in
now animal design. Sale Price 35/-."

Advert, in Sunday Paper.
We were afraid something like this
would happen when the Eussian bear
started to play the goat.

From a draper's advertisement :
"Up to date jumper . . . bordered with

seH material to true elastic fitting. Waist

sizes 13J to 14J." Daily Paper.

We are " tightening our belts," aren't
we?

THE PASSING OF POLYDORE.

WE had been pulled out of the battle
right out of the mud into the snow-
drifts, into a rural area where the tiles
were on the roof and the pigs at peace
in the pleasaunce. We could hardly
believe it. The two junior subalterns,
who joined us last Autumn, spent hours
in speculation before they realised what
gave the landscape its unnatural look -
the absence of crump-holes, shell-cases
and army clothing awaiting salvage.
The dear lads had forgotten that there
existed fields of this unscarred and un-
littered variety. For we belonged to
an Army Field Artillery Brigade, who
require neither rest, rations, re-drilling
nor recreation like common gunners.
The youngsters thought that peace
must have been declared since there
were no longer shell-splinters in their
morning tea.

Obviously the occasion clamoured for
celebration. At first we thought this
might take the form of an illuminated
address to G.H.Q., in a casket specially
made by the Battery fitter, but various
considerations decided us instead to
have something special to eat. Plainly
a pig must die. Pigs in this blessed area
were prosperous and prolific. Family
parties of them foraged grunting before
every threshold; the straw of innumer-
able stables rustled to their obesity.

But there are pigs and Pigs. The
Mess Secretary, whose naturally aesthe-
tic taste had been perverted by months
of thankless catering, had his eye on
the very Pig we wanted an adolescent
hog in whom he saw, as the sculptor
fellow saw the angel in the block of
marble, innumerable savoury meals.
The family who were the guardians of
this noble creature we interviewed en
masse. It consisted of husband and
wife and three be-pattened daughters,
all bi-lingual and expert pig-dealers.
Thus they had us at a disadvantage, for
while we stated our terms in French
they discussed them in Flemish, re-
turning to the language of diplomacy
only when their conference resulted in
a decision.

We were still in a semi-stupefied con-
dition from the surprise of being brought
out of action, and finally agreed to pay
a price satisfactory to them.

So the Pig, who will live in my
memory under the name of Polydore,
had to be weighed. Having neglected
to train him to sit patiently on the
scales, his guardians had to coax him,
still unconscious of his destiny and
grunting amicably, into a sort of crate,
ths weight of which had been scrupul-
ously balanced by an equal weight of
bricks; -but we didn't insist on his being
tubbed before weighing-in. Polydore

was an even hundred kilos. A day
earlier or a day later and his price would
have involved calculation and decimals.

It was rather sad to see how many
volunteers there were to perform the
dreadful deed of his execution amongst
the very gunners whose billet Polydore
had so often shown his willingness to
share. They must have employed some
summary method far deadlier than the
ordinary civilian massacre ; we heard
no cry, no soprano protest, no reproach-
ful swan-song. The spectacle of his
corpse was spared to us. One morning
we saw him as Polydore plump, rosy
beneath his camouflage, bristling with
vitality ; that afternoon wo inspected
him as mere pale impersonal joints.

These were for the men. Our choice
was his head, for we remembered appe-
tising pictures of refectory-tables lined
with round-paunched fathers smiling
with one accord to see the ceremonial
entry of the Boar's Head.

I will place it on record here thai
Polydore was a great success with tlu
troops ; he may be said to have gom
down with them. Let that be his epi-
taph. But his head ! First of all tin
estaminet-stove proved too small tc
contain ib entire, and it had to be clefi
vertically. This of course marred Poly-
dore's jovial expression and made cere
mony impossible. Then the senior sub
altern suddenly swore off pork for life,
having realised, in one of those strangt
flashes of insight that come to thinking
men, that crackling was neither mort
nor less than the material for saddlery
misemployed. And finally our discou-
ragement was completed by the carver's
exclamations of astonishment and even
horror when the moment came for him
to set about his business.

Whether all the pigs of France are
similar I know not, any more than I cat,
say whether our Mess-cook had treated
Polydore's head in some abnormal
fashion, but as it was presented to us
upon our plates none but an Eskimo
could have contemplated it without
quaking. All the most succulent and
adipose-forming constituents of Poly-
dore's diet seemed to have gone to his
head. We do not happen to number
any avowed Eskimos in the Battery,
and so we abandoned the dreadful re-
mains of our feast to the limber gun-
ners, who were at the time short of
lubricant for their axles. Next day the
axles of every gun-carriage but one were
lavishly over-greased, while the limber
gunner responsible for the exception
figured, dreadfully bilious, on sick
parade. Never again shall I see the
familiar fatuous full-faced smile of the
porker without a shudder and a dis-
quieting internal emotion.

Truly beauty is but skin-deep.

PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. FKIJUUAHY G, 1018.

AYEABY WILLIAM.

LITTLE WILLIE (calling on his Imperial Parent during the Berlin strikes). " YOU 'BE NOT LOOKING
YOUR BEST TO-DAY, FATHER."

THEKAISISH, "NO, MY BOY; I THINK I WANT A REST FROM WHAT OUB I-'KIEM)
HERTLING CALLS 'THE UNBROKEN JOY OF BATTLK. "

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[FEBRUARY 6, 1918.

behalf of my Company to express regret j Trusting that after this clear exposi-

LITTLE BIT OFF THE TOP. f or the loss of your roof ornaments ', tion of the case they will reconsider the
Win x is a semi-sih an retreat not ' owing to the raid, but regret that I can matter and make a clean breast of it,

that'.'

There are (louhtless several answers \vheroabouts.

give you no information as to their I remain,

to this poignant conundrum, but the
one which concerns me the most is,
" When a private munition factory Bits

down within a bomb's throw of it."

Jf the space hel \\een my hedge and
the factory wall were not piled up with

I am, Yours obediently,

.JAMES J. BALDWIN,

Yours hopefully,
AUGUSTUS WINTER.

lames, as I happen to know, is prac-
tically the sole proprietor of Drainford

the mortal remains of disembowelled
motor bicycles, superannuated hip-
baths und other gew-gaws of civilised
life it would be more bearable.

Narrow as this space is, it was wide

enough for a bomb (unnoticed by the

: to drop into during .the last

air-raid. The resulting distribution of

Managing Director. Munitions> Limited, and also an iron-
James seemed to lie entering into monger in wliat is known as a large
the, spirit of the thing, so I thought I i way of business in Market Street,
would carry on a bit more, and sent Drainford. He is quite a decent chap,
across the following reply at once: ' but as keen as mustard to do business.

v i.i.. Next evening I received from him the

DE VR Sin Yours ot uneven date : , ,. . , ,' ,

1 ., . ,,, - ,, .,,, following letter (with enclosure) :
(your typewriter is wobbly, isn t it ?J

to hand.

DEAR Mu. WINTKI!, I am writing to

Am I to gather from your cold and i you in a friendly way to ask why you
formal letter that your Company are j persist in writing such absurd letters
taking no steps to find out the where- to my Company. The Government are

favours and a wish for a little relaxa- ! ahouts of my property, carried off, or ; holding themselves liable for air-raid
tion caused me to write to the Managing : at the least driven away, by this bomb, | damage up to five hundred pounds, and

Director of the works , : f ! Bboold suggest your

(Drainford Munitions,
Ltd.).

DEAK Siu (I wrote),
Doubtless you are
aware of the attack on
the Drainford front
last night. That your
Company's delightful
edifice was unoccu-
pied and that my
household had fore-
gathered in the wine
cellar at the time are
matters for congratu-
lation to all concerned.

My particular ob-
ject in writing is to
ask if your Company
can give me any in-
formation as to the
whereabouts of one of
my chimney-pots (the
kind my chimneys wear, not the sort
with which you and I used to decorate
our heads iu happier days) which has
mysteriously disappeared since (and, I
believe, owing to) the explosion of a
bomb belonging to your Company ; but
chiefly as to the present habitat of a
patent cowl, its complement and con-
stant companion for many years, which
seems to have accompanied the chim-
ney-pot iu its flight.

Eagerly awaiting your favourable
reply,

1 am, Yours faithfully,

AUGUSTUS WINTER.

TOMMY IN ITALY

'THEM FLOWERS WERE GIVEN 10 YOU AS A DECORATION, ME LAD, AND NOT TO
CAMOUFLAGE YEHSELP WITH."

P.S. Thanks for the half bicycle,
the bucket of perforated design, and the
two cans deposited on my lawn, which
however I do not require. Perhaps
you will send for them.

This drew a formal reply iu the fol-
lowing terms:

DEAB SIR, I am in receipt of yours

which was undoubtedly their (your
Company's) property ?

This is how I look at it. The Huns

were clearly aiming at your Company's
esteemed works (and it wasn't a bad
shot either), therefore the bomb was
intended for your Company, ergo the
bomb was ipso facto presented to and
belongs to your Company as aforesaid.
From these premises (not my house,
you understand ; I 'm using the word
in its legal bearing) it follows that, if
any part, piece or portion thereof alien-
ates the affections of any of my pro-
perty or causes it to leave my demesne,
thus depriving me of its use, functions,
and, if I may use the term in this con-
nection, usufruct (and the cowl was a
particularly fruity design of my own,
carried out by Simpson Brothers, of
the London Eoad), then and in that
case I hold that your Company is
morally bound to inform me as to

writing to them on
the subject.

In the meantime I
am sending you our
current catalogue, and
trust that, should you
obtain pecuniary sat-
isfaction from the
Government, you will
favour me with your
esteemed commands.

Mrs. Baldwin joins
me in kind regards and
best respects.

Yours sincerely,
JAMES J. BALDWIN.

I found this answer
most disappointing,
and 1 sent a reply to
it by hand, addressed
to James at the shop

in Market Street :

DEAR MB. BALDWIN, Thank you for
your letter and interesting catalogue ;
but surely these are spring and summer
cowlings, and I want one that will do
for hard winter wear as well. The
sample on page 231 is the nearest in
appearance to my lost treasure, but is
too rococo in design to suit my rather
severe chimney-stack, I am afraid. If
you have some of those delightfully
designed carpet tacks shown on p. 160
kindly let bearer have about half-a-pint.
Yours faithfully,

AUGUSTUS WINTER.

I also wrote to him as Managing
Director of Draiuford Munitions, Ltd. :

Re, Air-ltuid.

DEAH SIR, It has occurred to me
that in my previous letters I may not
have made it sufficiently clear that my
anxiety to recover the missing cowl

of even date and in reply I beg on j perty, as aforementioned.

where your bomb has taken my pro- ! arises from particular affection for it.

c, IIH.I

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ('HAIIINAUI.

.;-:'

1'iirultt Smith (laic assistant iu jialniiat, etc., JJund Street). " WHO '!) HAVE THOUGHT IT? THEY SEEM 1O KNOW ME."

the down-draught and the breeze for
many years, and I doubt my ability to
plan such another. Moreover, the delay
would make my life more unbearable
than it is at present, what with the price
of marmalade and carpet tacks. You
would scarcely credit the price of a
tumblerful of the latter nowadays in
Drainford. I know, having recently
purchased some in the town.

I can only add that the assistance of
a search party from your Company's
esteemed premises would greatly oblige.
Yours faithfully,

AUGUSTUS WINTER.

P.S. -Since I wrote the above iny
gardener, u most worthy soul (but for
his habit of cutting the cheese for his
elevenses with a pocket-knife that he
uses for cleaning his pipe), has found
the cowl, practically intact, in the
rain-water cistern on my roof.

P.P.S. lie the selection of iron-
mongery deposited in my garden : as I
shall not bo placing any orders with
you, kindly send for the samples at
your earliest convenience.

I fear I may have unintentionally
hurt James's feelings over the price of
his carpet tacks ; at any rate the cor-
respondence has now closed.

BALLADE OF FKEE VERSE.

UP to the end of the great QUKKX'S

reign

Pegasus proved a tractable steed ;
Verse was metrical, mostly sane ;
"Fleshly" singers who wished to

exceed
Seldom, however great was their

need,
Held that prosody was a crime.

Critics were one and all agreed :
"Poets will never abandon rhyme.''

Now, inspired by a high disdain,
Grudging the past its rightful meed,

Georgian minstrels, might and main,
Urge that verse must be wholly freed
Now and for ever from rules that
lead

Singers in chains to a jingling chime,
Slaves of the obscurantist screed :

"Poets will never abandon rhyme."

MILTON and TEXNYSOH give them pain :

MAKINETTI 's the man they heed,
Grim apostle of stress and strain,

Noise, machinery, smell and speed.

Yet the best of the British breed,
Fighters who sing mid blood and grime,

Lend new force to the ancient rede :
" Poets will never abandon rhyme."

ENVOY.

Prince, Kern Hire is a noxious weed;

Verse that is blank may be sublime ;
Still, in spite of the Georgian creed,

Poeta will never abandon rhyme. ,

The Meat Shortage A Drastic

Remedy.

"Another new Order regarding the sale of
Sheep, mid bringing sheep into line with other
cattle, stated that a farmer may slaughter his
own household on condition that seven day*'
notice is given to the Food Committee."

Provincial Paper.

No more Illiterate Centenarians.

"By the new Bill no child could leave school,
in uo reason whatever, until it was 114."

Macclesfield Courier.

The proposal to constitute a Ministry that
will deal with matters arising out of the War
situation is viewed with favour and as reflect-
ing the policy of Mons. Posthuma."

Amtterdam Paper, quoted by " The Times."

This, after three and a-half years of war!
Ehcti fitgaces, Posthuma, Posthuma.

"At Tuubridgc Wells, Arthur , aged

thirteen, was ordered six strokes with the
birch on his birthday.'" Evening Paper.

We are sorry for ARTHUR, whose birth-
day, we understand, was always a
tender point with him.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVARL

[FEBRUARY 6, 1918.

THE ETERNAL FEMININE.

UNDOUBTEDLY it was the best bille
I hud over mot in all my wanderings
with the B.E.F. True the room had
more than a flavour of the calf tha
occupied the stable next door. You
could not stamp upon the tiled flooi
without bringing down fragments
from the ceiling. A boiler in the ad
joining kitchen bulged through the wal.
and occupied a quarter of the alreadj
sufficiently limited space; a large worm-
eaten clothes-cupboard took up anothei
quarter, and tlio manure midden of the
Garde ChampStre might have been a
trifle further from the not too spot-
less window. But the room contained
oh, rapturous sight a bed ! and little
Germaine, my landlord's five-year-old
daughter, watched from the summit ol
the midden my first ecstatic embrace ol
its voluptuous oat-flight mattress and
eider-down quilt.

You know the expression of the
diffident man who wants to tell you
something but cannot quite make up
his mind to do so. That was how
Germaine looked at me and the old-
fashioned clothes-cupboard. The thumb
of one hand fairly corked her little
grenadine-smeared mouth (she had
lately lunched) ; the other grasped
Antoine, a cockchafer, miserably sus-
pended head downwards on a length
of cotton.

Twice she ventured into the room
and twice uncorked herself once to
absorb a proffered peppermint, and
once to introduce me formally to the
dangling Antoine. For the rest she
watched in silence the disinterring of
my household gods from pack and
pockets and their enthronement upon
1 lie flat top of the cupboard (most par-
icularly did she watch the cupboard).
And always she watched with that air
of being on the point of making some
iremendous announcement. At times
he suspense became positively oppres-
sive. Encourage her as I might, she
could not apparently bring herself to give
away the dreadful secret of the clothes-
upboard. Was she nerving herself to
disclose the family skeleton, or did
maiden modesty prevent her from
extracting some article of apparel?
STo, it could not be that, for if I left
the room she seemed to wait in a sort
of silent agony for my return. I gave
t up, and for the next half-hour forgot
Germaine and her undivulged secret in
he composition of a " green envelope "
etter home.

Then suddenly I became aware of a

uskily reiterated whisper of " M'sieur."

There was no ignoring the beseeching

mportunity of that appeal, and I

urned to find Germaine, flushed and

eager, standing with one pudgy fist on
the handle of the mysterious cupboard
I felt instinctively that the crisis ha(
come. With a gesture worthy o
Professor VALENTINE presenting to a
large and expectant audience the
illusion of the Disappearing Donkey
Gormaina flung open the doors anc
revealed, clear against the black in
terior, a pair of tiny white kid button
boots !

For the space of ten seconds she le:
me feast my eyes upon the ravishing
spectacle ; then, apparently deciding ]
had had as much as was good for me
at a single dose, reclosed the cabinel
arid uncorked herself to whisper the
one word, " Dimanche."

That was enough. Germaine re-
corked herself and silently departed
with an air of complete satisfaction.

THE BALLAD OF PRIVATE CHADD.

I SING of George Augustus Chadd,
Who 'd always from a baby had
A deep affection for his Dad

In other words, his Father;
bntrariwise, the father's one
And only treasure was his son,
Yes, even when he "d gone and dona

Things which annoyed him rather.

For instance, if at Christmas (say)
Dr on his parent's natal day
The thoughtless lad forgot to pay

The customary greeting,
His father's visage only took
That dignified reproachful look
Which dying beetles give the cook

Above the clouds of Keating.

As years went on such looks were

rare ;

The younger Chadd was always there
Co greet his father and to share

His father's birthday party ;
The pink " For auld acquaintance' sake"
Engraved in sugar on the cake
Was his. The speech ho used to make

Was reverent but hearty.

?he younger Chadd was twentyish
When War broke out, but did not

wish

To get an A.S.C. commish
Or be a rag-time sailor ;
ust Private Chadd he was, and went
To join his Dad's old regiment,
While Dad (the dear old dug-out) sent
For red tabs from the tailor.

'o those inured to war's alarms
need not dwell upon the charms
Of raw recruits when sloping arms,
Nor tell why Chadd was hoping
lat "if his sloping-powers increased,
'hey 'd give him two days' leave at

least

'o join his Father's birthday feast "...
And so resumed his sloping.

One morning on the training-ground,
When fixing bayonets, he found
The fatal day already round.

And, even as he fixed, he
Decided then and there to state
To Sergeant Brown (at any rate)
His longing to congratulate

His sire on being sixty.

" Sergeant," he said, " we 're on the eve
Of Father's birthday; grant me leave"
(And here his bosom gave a heave)

" To offer him my blessing ;
And, if a Private's tender thanks
Nay, do not blank my blanky blanks!
I could not help but leave the ranks ;

Birthdays are more than dressing."

The Sergeant was a kindly soul,
He loved his men upon the whole,
He 'd also had a father's rdle

Pressed on him fairly lately.
"Brave Chadd," he said, " thou speakest

sooth!"

happy day ! O pious youth !
" Great," he extemporized, " is Truth,

And it shall flourish greatly."

The Sergeant took him by the hand
And led him to the Captain, and
The Captain tried to understand,

And (more or less) succeeded ;
" Correct me if you don't agree,
But one of you wants what ?" said he,
"And also which?" And Chadd said,
" Me ! "

Meaning of course that lie did.

The Captain took him by the ear
And gradually brought him near
The Colonel, who was far from clear,

But heard it all politely,
And asked him twice, " You want a

what ? "

The Captain said that he did not,
And Chadd saluted quite a lot

And put the matter rightly.

The Colonel took him by the hair
And furtively conveyed him where
The General inhaled the air,

Immaculately booted ;
Then said, " Unless I greatly 'err
This private wishes to prefer
A small petition to you, Sir,"

And so again saluted.

The General inclined his head
Towards the two of them and said,
' Speak slowly, please, or shout instead ;

I 'm hard of hearing, rather."
30 Chadd, that promising recruit,
Stood to attention, clicked his boot,
And bellowed, with his best salute,

" A liai>py birthday, Father ! "

A. A. M.

A pacifist meeting was broken up yesterday.
L crow rushed the pulpit, pulled the pastor
.own by his coat tails, threw him bodily across
he auditorium and out of the back door."

1'elciny Gazette.
ood bird.

Fl-.HHIJAHY G, I'.HH.I

PUNCH, OR TIIE LONDON CHARIVARI.

REPRISALS OFF.

' J)1U NtllSE TELIi YOU I'D BEEN NAUGHTY, MtMMlE?" " No, DAHLINU."

"\VKI,I,, TiiKN, I WON'T TELL YOU THAT NURSE DROPPED THE TOAST IN THE KIKE.'

THE MINISTRY OF ENTERTAINMENT.

THE suggestion of the manager of the
Coliseum, made at lunch at the National
LiheralClub (limcheon-rooins generally
having become the new forum), that his
employer, Mr. OSWALD STOLL, should
be appointed Ministerof Entertainment,
quickly led to developments. A meet-
ing of the entertainers and managers
of London was called on Sunday to dis-
cuss the matter. The new knight, Sir
HENHY TO/KK, was iu the chair, sup-
ported by a galaxy of talent.

The Chairman opened the proceedings
by a few remarks as to the gratifying
recognition recently accorded by the
Crown to the Music Hall profession.
(Hear, hear.) Doubtless, he said, a
Minister of Entertainment would be a
useful functionary. It was notorious
that the soldier on leave and the tired
war- worker found their greatest relief
in theatres and music-halls (Cheers)
and the propaganda play had, he was
sure, a line future if done rightly.
(Laughter.) So far, judging by the speci-
mens which had been produced at the
Coliseum, these plays could not bo said
to have been a shining success. \Vhal
they had now to do was to select with the
utmost care the right man. (Hear, hear.)

Lieutenant GBOSSMITH said that the
Minister of Entertainment must be
someone in touch with the world one
who moved about and was seen, not a
mysterious recluse. He proposed Mr.
LAUBILLARD for the post.

Mr. L\URILLAUD said that he greatly-
valued the proposition which had been
so unexpectedly (Cheers) made by
his friend, whom they were all very
glad to see there to-day, knowing as
they did how difficult it was for him to
snatch a moment from his naval duties;
but he, ttie speaker, did not feel quali-
fied, to fill the post alone. With Lieu-
tenant GKOSSMITII to share the burden
he might consider it.

Mr. C. B. COCHRAN said that lie failed
to see what a Ministerof Entertainment
would do. Every manager who knew
his own business and was at all alive
was a Minister of Entertainment as it
was. What would Mr. STOLL do if he
were appointed ? Would lie impose a re-
volving stage on every theatre ? Was the
propaganda play to be a staple '? If so
lie, the speaker, was entitled to be heard,
for be was the only person present who

i had been successful with it.

Mr. ALFRED BUTT said that he con-

i sidered the suggestion of a Minister of
Entertainment a good one, even though
he might not approve of the particular
way in which it was made ; but obvi-

'. ously a man should be chosen who not

i only was at the head of the profession

; but had already been entrusted with
Government administrations.

The Acting Manager of the Palace,

; following, proposed Mr. ALFRED BUTT
as the best possible Minister of Enter-

i tainment.

Mr. GEORGE ROUEY said that in his
opinion it was a mistake to appoint a '

manager. Try as they might to avoid
it, managers were almost certain to do
something beneficial to their own places
of amusement; whereas a comedian
had no such axe to grind. He named
no names, but he would remind them
as something of an augury that there
was present a comedian who not only
had been successful in organising u
number of War concerts, but who had
earned the significant title of " Prime
Minister of Mirth." (Cheers.)

Mr. STOLL, rising with a dignity all
his own, said that he was both pained
and surprised by some of the remarks
to which they had listened. He had
understood that his own appointment
to the post of Minister of Entertain-
ment was certain ; and to hear so many
other suggestions was distressing to
him. Obviously he was the most fit-
ting person, because in a peculiar way
he combined intellectual and practical
gifts. He understood finance, he under-
stood HERBERT SPENCER and he under-
stood the British public. Also he had
never been seen without his tall hat.
(Cheers.) Furthermore he came from
Wales, where England was accustomed
to find her saviours. Should he be
appointed he could promise them that
lie would he unremitting in his energies
and

Mr. STOLL was still speaking when
a messenger arrived from Downing
Street with a note, stating that the
PRKMIEU had no intention of establish-
ing a Ministry of Entertainment.

PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [FEBUUABY 6, 1918.

Officer. "Do YOU CALL YOUESELF A SOLDIER?"

Officer. "THEN WHAT THE DEVIL DO YOU CALL YOURSELF?"

Recruit. "No, SIR."

Recmil. "A CAMOUFLAGED CIVILIAN, SIB.'

A WATCH IN THE NIGHT.

" WATCHMEN, what of the night ? "
"Eumours clash from the towers ;
The clocks strike different hours ;
The vanes point different ways.
Through darkness leftward and right
Voices quaver and hoom,

Pealing our victory's praise,
Tolling the tocsin of doom."
" Optimist, what of the night ? "
" Night is over and gone ;
See how the dawn marches on,

Triumphing, over the hills.
Armies of foemen in llight
Scatter dismay and despair,

Wild is the terror that fills
War-lords that crouch in their lair."
"Pessimist, what of the night? "
" Blackness that walls us about ;
The last little star lias gone out,

Whelmed in the wrath of the storm.
Exhaustless, resistless in might,
The enemy faints not nor fails ;

Thundering, swarm upon swarm,
He sweeps like a flood through the

vales."

" Pacifist, what of the night ? "
" We hear the thunder afar,
But all is still where we are ;
Good and evil are friends.
Here in the passionless height
War and morality cease,
And the noon with the midnight

blends
In perennial twilight of peace."

" Soldier, what of the night ? "
" Vainly ye question of me ;
I know not, I hear not nor see ;

The voice of the prophet is dumb
Here in the heart of the fight.

I count not the hours on their way ;
I know not when morning shall

come ;
Enough that I work for the day."

"Two well-known clerics, the Bishop of
Exeter (Lord William Cecil) and Lord Victor
Seymour, vicar of St. Seymour's, South Ken-
sington , are the sons of peers, and hold courtesy
titles." Daily Paper.

So, apparently, does the latter's benefice.

Mr. Punch's Appeal for Raid-Shock
Children.

31st January, 1918.
DEAK MB. PUNCH, We are very
grateful to your readers for their quick
and generous . response to your appeal
for the poor children suffering from
air-raid shock, who are being cared for
at our Home at Chailey.

But, like Oliver Twist, may we ask
for " more " help, as every post brings
fresh applications for admission ?
Believe me, Yours sincerely,

THE HON. TKEASUREB,
The St. Nicholas Home for

liaid-Shock Children,
Heritage Craft Schools,

Chailey,

Sussex.

Our Commercial Stylists.

From a Winter sales advertisement :

"MILLINERY

Beautiful Copies of the inimitable Parisian
Models. ' ' Daily Paper.

"Canadian Home Rule."

"After consulting its supporters the Quebec
Government has decided to enforce prohibition
in the Province of Ontario from May 1, 1919."

Kortli Mail.

Ontario, we understand, proposes to
return the compliment by enforcing
conscription in Quebec.

Message from a battery position to
the wagon-line, overheard by the tele-
phone operator:

"We have had no officers' mess rations for
48 hours ; please send up some buffer springs
and mineral jelly."

Iron rations indeed !

" A telegram from Vienna to the Ifuenchentf

Xeueste Nachrichien Kays Dr. M'Kerle, the
Hungarian Premier, had an audience with the
Emperor." Edinburgh Krcning Dispatch.

Our contemporary is to be congratulated
upon having been the first to discover
this distinguished Scotsman.

The Literary Manner.

"He is an ornament to the Church he
adorns. His flexible and learned style are a
positive delight to anyone who can appreciate
the fine points of English."

Sunday Paper on Dr. Henson.

We gather that the writer of this pas-
sage is an authority on style.

PUNCH, OB THK LONDON CHARIVARI. FKIIIH-AIIV 0,

. .

THE HOME FKONT AND THE PEACE OFFENSIVE.

CIVILIAN (o;i a visit to the trenches). "WELL, ARE WE GOING TO WIN THIS WAR?"
TOMMY. "JUST NOW, MATE, THAT DEPENDS ON YOU MORE THAN IT DOES ON MM."

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

G, 1!US.

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

Monday, January 2H///. By way of a
little gibe at the usual effect of Lord
RHONDIU'S regulations Mr. WUICIHT
inquired whether ho would iix a price
for wood-pigeons, sparrows and rats.
Feigning an obtuseness which I am
sure he does not possess, Mr. PARKER
replied that it was a question for
the Food-Production Department, and
drove the questioner to explain that if
only the FOOD-CONTROLLER would fix
prices for these pests they would imme-
diately disappear.

Arniitijh iinimqi/e cuno. Mr. JAMBS
I.ONSDALE took his seat to-day in the
room of his brother, now Lord ARMAGH-
DALE. He was escorted up the floor by
Sir EDWARD CARSON, who looks twice
the man he did before he decided, a
week ago, to practise his well-known
virtue of resignation. When he left the
previous Temple of Coalition it was to
act as a battering-ram. Now, it is
understood, his rdle will be rather that
of a flying-buttress.

The Commons got through a lot of
work in a short time. Mr. WHITEHOUSE
and other patriots opposed the clause
in the Registration Bill which em-
powers a policeman to require any man
to produce his card. This, they said,
was "sheer Prussianism " a thing
which, except in Prussia, they cannot
abide. But the House accepted Mr.
HAYES FISHEK'S assurance that the
British constable, like another cele-
brated character, "is not a Prussian,"
and passed the Bill.

Tuesday, January 29th. In view
of a recent magisterial utterance, to
which Mr. Punch has already drawn
attention, I ought perhaps to say
that the Marriages Provisional Order
(No. 2) Bill is not a statute for the
encouragement or condonation of
bigamy. It is the Order that is pro-
visional, not the marriages.

Mr. FORSTER rejected as absurd the
report that in a stone quarry near
Calais, now worked by the Labour
Corps, a dentist could possibly be em-
ployed. Yet one would have thought
no profession would feel so much at
home in a stone quarry.

Letters on purely family matters
are occasionally delayed by the CEN-
SOR'S department because, according
to the HOME SECRETARY, they are too
long to be read, or too illegible. " But
if they are illegible," asked Mr. HOGGE
with the adamantine logic of the Scot,
"what harm can there be in passin<*
them ? "

On learning that the minimum price
for potatoes had been fixed at ten
shillings less in Scotland than in
England, Mr. WATT was mightily

indignant. " It was," he said, " another j
instance of the Englishman bullying
the downtrodden Scotsman." Mr. j
CLYXKS, whom he accused of this
tyranny, is, I should estimate, just about
half Mr. WATT'S fighting weight.

The House of Commons owes all its [
powers to its control of finance, yet,
except on Kudget nights, finance is

Mil. PAUKEH FKIUSING AN OBTLSKXKSS.

the one subject which is" sure to empty
it. There was hardly a quorum while
Mr. SAMUEL and other Members of the
Select Committee dilated on the growth
of national expenditure and suggested
means of curbing it. The CHANCELLOR
OF THE EXCHEQUER listened patiently,
even when Mr. SAMUEL quoted " A
chiel "s arnang ye " in an accent which
BURNS (ROBEKT, not JOHN) would have
failed to recognise. This may have up-
set Mr. LAW, for his endeavour to explain

SCOTLAND BrLLIF.D BY ENGLAND.
Mit. WATT. MR. Cr.YNKs.

his recent speecli on the conscription
of capital will hardly increase his repu-
tation as a sound financier. Students
may be interested in the " psychological
movements in the mind of the CHAX-

CELLOK OF THE EXCHEQUER," as Mr.

ASQUITH called them, but investors pre-
fer a more tangible security.

Wednesday, January 'Mill. Where
the fair sex is concerned the Senior
Service never forgets its chivalry. On
learning that pheasants might bo shot
during the close season Sir HEDWORTH
MEUX hoped that Mr. PBOTHEHO would
discriminate in favour of the hens.
I regret to say his example was lost
upon Mr. KING, who, in drawing atten-
tion to the food difficulties in boarding-
schools, laid special'stress on the desir-
ability of not reducing the rations of
growing boys. "And wily not grow-
ing girls, too, Mr. KING?" came in an
audible whisper from where the grille
used to be.

When the Lords' amendments to
the Representation of the People Bill
came up for discussion the Government
temporarily abdicated its functions and
left Proportional Representation to a
free vote. With the reins on its neck
and no fear of the Whip, the House
kicked up its heels in tine style. All
the party -households were divided
against themselves. Tory twitted Tory,
Radical railed against Radical, Labour
belaboured Labour. Mr. CHAMBERLAIN,
who was cradled in the Caucus, was
sure that under "P.R." party-organisa-
tions would bo more rampant than ever.
Lord ROBERT CECIL, who sees in
"P.R." an umbrella against " the dan-
gerous storms to come," denounced
his late colleague as a " vehement and
violent obscurantist."

Similarly when Sir GEORGE CAVE,
most moderate of men, ventured to
mention a few of the practical diffi-
culties in the way, he was promptly
accused of " unintentional exaggera-
tion " by Mr. BALFOUR, whose enthu-
siasm for "P.R." is partly caused by
the reflection that had it existed in
1906 he might still be Member for
Manchester.

I rather think that Members in
general shared the view of Mr. AS-
QUITH, who was all for trying "P.R."
experimentally in somebody else's
constituency, but recoiled in horror
from the thought of its introduction
into his beloved Fife. In the end
"P.R." was knocked out by 110, the
largest of the many majorities re-
corded against it this Session.

Thursday, January 31st. To sup-
press Mr. LYNCH takes some doing.
But where Ministers and even Mr.
SPEAKER have failed Mr. J. II. THOMAS
succeeded. The patriot from Clare

FEIIHUAUY 6, 1918.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAIIf.

loudly demanded a further " comb-out"
of the cmbusi/uSs iti Clovorninoiit oflicos,
and declared that " Whitehall sticks in
tho gi/xard of the public." Then a
voice from the Labour benches, in quiet
but penetrating tones, asked, "Does
the over-anxiety on this question come
from Ireland ? " and Mr. LYNCH col-
lapsed into silence.

The efforts of tho Peers to improve
the methods of election to tho Lower
House mot with a further rebuff. Non
tali auxilio was tho feeling of the
majority of the Commons, who decided
to reinstate the "Alternative Vote"
which their Lordships had eliminated.
The debate revealed some ignorance as
to the exact meaning of the subject-
matter; but it is not true that a Scot-
tish Member, much concerned about
food substitutes, was heard to inquire,
" What are these Alternative Oats, and
are they any good for porridge? "

HEAD-COVER.

LIONS have strength ; the nimble flea
Depends on his agility ;
But, being slow and feeble, Man
Protects himself as best ho can.
After three years of war my brain
Bids me take cover from the rain.
Work ! O grey matter, in my knob
To wangle me a cushy job.

;|: # # #

I often think it would be grand sport
To join the Inland Water Transport ;
Yoho ! a sailor's life for me,
But in the Inland Water T.
At ease on deck in well-creased slacks
I '11 watch men marching by with packs,
And thus by proxy feel once more
The stern realities of war.
Then, on the other hand, although
I'd like to be an E.T.O.,
And live in luxury with nil
KIRCHNEK'S best pictures on my wall,
I can't help feeling that I oughter
Try for Divisional Soda- Water ;
Or I could rest for many moons
Ground-oflicer to kite balloons,
Whose uniform is much more gay
Than that of our Y.M.C.A.
At other times I think I '11 go
Down to Etaples as Pierrot
I think it would be rather jolly
And quite a rest to be a Folly,
Although they tell me that the gem
Of cushy jobs is A. P.M.

* * * * *

And if in after-years my son
Asks me what mighty deeds I 've done
In the great War, I '11 simply yank him
Over my knee and soundly spank him.

" However, you cannot for over bask in the
shade." Sunday Chronicle.

We never bask in the shade for more
than a year or two at a time.

Colonel (a renowned Spartan, to new Sub.). " I DO HOPE rr '8 NOT GOING TO RMS, Ma. CRISP."
New Sub. "WELL, SIB, IF IT DOES THEY CAS POT ON THEIB GREAT -COATS."
Colonel. "On, THEY'LL BE ALL BIOBT. I WAS THINKING ABOUT YOUB FURS."

The Irish Touch.

" The Department of Agriculture prosecuted

John for having caused a brood sow to

be slaughtered without a licence from the
Department. Defendant admitted the offence,
but stated that the animal had met with an
accident, and that it was essential to kill it
in order to prevent her death."

Northern Whig.

" The official description is as follows :
Emily (aged 13), light blue hair, blue eyes,
dressed in black skirt and green blouse, black
boots and stockings.' " South African Paper.

With hair that colour, EMILY should be
easily identified.

" Maxim Gorky . . . had a vicarious career
before he won fame as a novelist. Ho had
practically no childhood." Weekly Hispatch.

He seems to have begun his vicarious
career by being changed at nurse for a
grown-up man.

" Teacher wanted at nights to learn young
lady to write English language."

Glasgow Ilerald.
Badly wanted.

" There were food queues at Northampton.
Meat and fish were in very short supply and
rabbits almost unobtainable. There u.is a
rush for substitutes." Daily Sews.

Poor pussy 1

" WILTS. Charming seven-roomed cottage
to let, furnished (or apartments). Free air
raids." The Lady.

But why Wilts ? London can supply
them just as gratuitously.

" The plumbers were -vorking 48 hours to
the day last week. Even the piping days of
peace had nothing to equal it."

Sentinel.

It's the pipe-bursting days of war that
does it.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[FEBRUARY 6, 1918.

1 come forward and speak the word of release. But I fear
your Majesty will find yourself stopped at every turn by
, this Prussian.

The Emperor. Then we must proceed without him. It
is not we in Austria who are hated and distrusted ; it is he
alone ; and I do not believe that it is written in the Book
of Fate that the world is to perish because a Prussian is
arrogant and mean. We are not yet over the precipice,

The 'Emperor. So far as it goes that is good and has my i though we are near to its edge. I desire to draw hack
approval ; hut

HEART-TO-HEART TALKS.

(The Emperor of AUSTRIA and Count Czxnxix.)
The Emperor. My dear CZEHNIN, the only question is,
are we to have peace? It is quite useless to discuss any-
thing else, except in so far as it bears upon that question.

Count Czcrnin. I quite understand your Majesty, being,
in fact, of the same opinion myself, and

entire approval; but in
order to make our views
prevail we must proceed
from words to deeds. Have
you thought of the matter
in that light?

Count C. That is pre-
cisely what I have done.
I have indicated by every
means in my power that
Austria desires peace and
must have it. It is only a
few days ago that I made
an appeal to the PRESIDENT
of the United States.

Tlie Emperor. Yes, that
\\ a s well done. You carried
out my wishes to the letter.
But why has nothing come
of it ?

Count C. I must remind
your Majesty that in this
business we do not stand
alone. We have allies whom
we must carry with us if
our words are to have any
result.

The Emperor. Yes, I know.
FERDINAND of Bulgaria,
MEHMED of Turkey, and
WILLIAM the German
Heavens ! what a collec-
tion ! Merely to mention i
their names leaves a bad '
taste in my mouth. Are !
we to be for ever depressed :
and wretched because we '
cannot shake ourselves free |
from these contemptible
men ?

Count C. If I may ven-

THE-NATIONS FvNDfORNvRSEs

A-TRIBVTE-FROM-THE-BRITISH-
EMPIRE-TO-BRITISH- NVRSES-

while there is yet time, and
so I bid you work with all
your might for peace, which
alone can save us.

Count C. Your Majesty
may rely on my whole-
hearted efforts. The devil
is in it but we shall get
the better of this Prussian
parvenu with his sabre-
rattlings and his stamp-
ings about in jack-boots.
I will in all things obey
your Majesty's commands,
so that your far-sighted
designs for peace may, if it
is still possible, be carried
1 out.

Tke Emperor. Good ! And
if there be a chance of let-
ting the Prussian know
what we think of him I
beg you will not hesitate
to seize it.

MR. PUNCH DESIRES TO SUPPORT THE APPEAL OPTHE UIUTISH WOMKN'K
HOSPITAL COMMITTEE FOR THE FUND THAT is BEING RAISED TO ENDOW
A COLLEGE OF NURSING AS A THANK-OFFERING FROM THE BRITISH
EMPIBE TO BRITISH NURSES. GIFTS SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO THE
HON. TREASURER, THE VISCOUNTESS COWDBAY, AT 16, CAHLTON HOUSE
tune to say so, your Majesty ^ EBBACE - s - w -l-

" Boy for newspaper office, age
about 11 or 15 years, state age."
Daily Dispatch."

Also state how old he is,
when he was born, and how
long he has been a boy.

From a Southsea hotel
prospectus :

" THE CANOE LAKE. This
sheet of water between the Es-
planade and St. Helen's Parade
is used chiefly for model-yacht-
ing. Its total area is about 3J
acres. A portion is laid out for
tennis, croquet and bowls."

As aquatic sports these are
new to us.

utters my sentiments with regard to them. FERDINAND, TONDHM

the shiny fox, cares for nothing except his own personal TT ,

safety ; the Turkish Sultan is a mere pawn moved hither Half a score sailorraen that want to sail once more,

and. thither by the Prussian WILLIAM, and the Prussian i Cruisln g round tlie waterside with the Peter at the fore,

WILLIAM Half a score o' sailormen the sea '11 never drown

The Emperor. Stop, CZERNIN, stop ! The trade of bein ! ( Seven da 5' s in Pen boats a-drifting up and down !),
an Emperor in Austria is difficult enough in all conscience j < - >ut to find anotner sm P and sail from London Town,
without the interference of this Potsdam drill-sergeant and ' Half a score o' sailormen broke and on the rocks,
professor of unctuous piety. There is something about' Linking down Commercial Eoad, tramping round the Docks,
this man so rancid that I can hardly bear even to think of | Half a score o' sailormen, torpedoed thrice before
him. Let him bluster as he likes, I, at any rate, am de- ! Once was in the Channel chops, once was off the Nore,
termined that Austria shall not be dragged down to utter j Last was in the open sea a hundred mile from shore,
ruin by such a man. j Ha lf a score o' sailormen that want to sail again

Lmmt 1C. Bravo, your Majesty, bravissimo ! There spoke And her cargo 's all aboard her and it 's blowing up for rain !

real Emperor and father of his people. For the War Half a score o' sailormen that won't come home to tea,

your Majesty is no way responsible. You came to the

For she 's dropping down the river with the Duster flying free,

. " tl f vt*i.vy v\j uiJV_fj-i_(_ii.tJJ.-HJ & VAl.WfJiJli.it: UWTVU V-UO Al V ^A \Y1UJ1 UJ.1D A-* UQUVsI. JJ V "^f-i

ie of your forefathers when it was already raging, and j Down the London River on the road to the open sea !
low, moved by the miseries of mankind, you are ready to | C. F. S.

FKIIKI-AKT 6, 1918.]

PUNCH, Oil THK LONDON CIIAJM V AIM.

TilK LAWS OF MUSIC.

[Dedicated with profound iwrivnr.' to the
author <if the coruscating article on tl"
sulij(-'ct in a rucont manner of 'J'ltc Times.']

" liules and schools uro made for
fools," as Squinchlor says in his .-l/ilujr-
ixmx fur .lilmta a work proscribed at.
all academies, but of priceless value in
encouraging fruitful revolt against sys-
tems and soulless precision. Music has
its laws, but they cannot bo stated with
mathematical exactitude. Thus the
law of centrality, the first law which the
composer obeys, can easily he misunder-
stood by formalists. Of three things
in a row one must be in the middle,
but that does not make it central.

And as with geometry so with arith-
metic its rules are a broken reed to
the musician.

The laws of music stand apart from all
other laws, since they are most triumph-
antly obeyed by those who are entirely
unconscious of their obedience or of
the existence of the laws themselves.
MOZAUT, as wo showed recently, knew
nothing of the law of centrality, but
if we look at the texture of his work,
the density of the stuff, the quality of
his fibre, or at the period, the sweep of
the effort and prociousness of the mo-
ments, we recognise that he was at
least subliminally conscious of its para-
mount and insistent value.

This then is the first of those laws
to hearken to which is better than the
fat of rams that things which are in
the middle are not necessarily central,
and that conversely things which are
central must not be middling. There are
four others of hardly less vital import-
ance, all of which are splendidly obeyed
by our younger composers.

The law of antinomy, which Squin-
chler in one of his luminous prefaces
i defines as a reconciliation between the
categorical imperative and the cosmic
paulo-post-futuristic permissive, is that
which young composers follow when
they synthesize divergent planes of
emotional content instead of leaving
thorn to emerge independently in their
intrinsic fluorescence. It is this law
which Squinchler himself nobly illus-
trates by the two immortal semiquavers
that intrude upon the quavers in the
penumbra of his Aldcbaran. The law
of obscurity, which darkens without
hiding and produces an atmosphere at
once fuliginous and translucent, sug-
^sting a tropical twilight, is better
displayed in Bobolinkoff's excursions
into the crepuscular inane than in such
square-cut tunes as "John Brown's
" or "O Dem Golden Slippers."
As Percy Cornstalk observes in one of
miely but pregnant apophthegms,
" It is better to aim at nothing and hit
it every time than to score a monotonous

First Munitioner. "My OLD MAN'S wos THIS MKDAL. Dos'i IT MAKE VEB JEALOUS?"
Second Munitioner (with great hauteur). "Nor ME ! MY BILL WEST OUT TO KILL GERMANS
SOT COLLECTIXU SOOVENEKK6."

string of bull's-eyes." The most luci-
ferous image of all antiquity was that of
the Chima;ra, bombinans hi cucito, and
Diarmid McGralloch has translated it
into terms of harmony more thoroughly
than anyone, unless we except Bertram
Bucktrout.

The law of exacerbation, which recog- j
nises the paralysing and enervating
effect of tranquillity and prescribes a
constant series of onslaughts on the
principal nerve ganglia, is more loyally
supported by Hercules Blogg than by
BKIU.IO/. or .RICHARD STRAINS. Audi

lastly the law of curvature demands
that the melody shall be sensitive and
serrated and titillate the hearer volup-
tuously. MKNDKLSSOHN and SPOHK mis-
took the curve for that of the railway
arch, but Prtnkevitchsvtnchtchitzky
and Quantock de Banville know that it
should droop like an intoxicated para-
bola.

These and their like are the law-
whicli bind musicians ; but tho books
never mention them. They are only to
be found in war-time in the pages of
The Time*.

AT THE PLAY.

'LOVE IN A COTTAGE."
I IMAGINE the author of A Man of
Honour and Human Bondage, tongue
in cheek and ono eyelid mischievously
pendulous, spreading his elbows to the
roguish work of writing Love in a Lot-
tanc. " I will give them," says he, " heaps
of money ; Como and Paris ; some titles ;
some amusing lines and a few little
quips of my own ; a few of other peo-
ple's, well worn, so that they at least
will be recognised with the tribute of
familiar laughter. I have done this
sort of tiling before, but this time I
will not be merely artificial, I will be
preposterous; not just pleasantly and
flippantly shallow but deliberately and
conspicuously insincere ; my satire shall
not be merely obvious, it shall be posi-
tively crude. And you will see they will
come and eat it but of my hand. . . ."
In the First Act the Hotel Splendide
on the Lake at Como shows you a
disgruntled millionaire; his spouse, a
tyrannical hypochondriac ;'a sweet run-
away wife, hired nurse of this unattrac-
tive patient ; sundry women ' whose
tongues wag against so unsuitably
pretty a dependent; and sundry males
competing for her favour and mitigating
the severity of her bondage. The only
soft spot in the old millionaire's money-
bound heart, by the way, is his fatherly
affection for our charming Sybil. A
letter announces the suicide of her un-
satisfactory husband and her inherit-
ance of half-a-million, subject to the
condition of her not remarrying.

Act II. gives us our heroine charm-
ingly gowned. Toadying to' the new
rich takes the place of the feline
gossip and tyranny. Our Sybil flip-
pantly accepts the hand of a fortune-
hunter who doesn't know of the will's
limiting clause and who beats an igno-
minious retreat when he does ; she
refuses the proper hero, a pleasant
philosophical young doctor who neither
covets nor possesses the wealth that
everybody else, including Sybil, thinks
so desperately important. He takes his
refusal without dismay, biding his
Fourth Act. And Sybil, after distribu-
ting largesse to the parson and two
shameless spinsters, stretches out her
arms to Paris and freedom with a full
purse.

And then (Act III.) comes disillusion-
ment. At her famous fancy-dress ball,
to which an exiled minor king is coming
incognito, one of her guests borrows
ten thousand francs and another blandly
proposes that she shall be his mistress
to save him the trouble of working for
a living. So that when a telegram from
the young Como doctor bids her come
quickly to help a friend she forthwith

leaves her house by the window while
the already announced royalty is mount-
ing the stairs. Possibly she is appre-
hensive as to the size of the loan he
will require or the nature of the liaison
he will propose. The curtain deprives
us of the sight of the royal chagrin
which is a pity.

It is, then, a disillusioned beauty that
in Act IV. comes hack to the azure
Como . . . Money is a disaster. Nobody
loves the rich poor things. They are
only milch cows ... It is her friend the
millionaire who is in trouble. His money
is rising up and throttling him. Even
as she is soothing him and reconciling
him to life with money (so arduous
and dubious a reconciliation" the par-

A CONSCIENTIOUS OBJECTOR TO LOVE

IN A COTTAGE.

Martin Arrol . . . ME. GAYER MACKAY.
Sybil Bruce .... Miss MAIUE LOHB.

son interrupts to beg her for help for
his church, and the two spinsters try to
negotiate a loan, which so annoys the
old- man that he goes off and shoots
himself. ' . And the doctor has hardly
certified life to be extinct before he
returns to press his rejected suit and
the twain' declare for Love in a Cottage.
A most convincing sermon, is it not, on
this misery of riches?

Miss MARIE LOHB makes her first
trial of the adventure of management.
She has every reason to read the omens
as favourable. "Her fortunate keel"
should " touch golden sands," in the
words of her modest and polite pro-
gramme sonnet. She has the one in-
dispensable quality for success on the
London stage a charming prettiness,
which she uses with excellent effect in
the many changes of becoming costume
for which her thoughtful author had
provided. She was best in her little

moods of quiet roguishness. If she
did not seem to feel the more solemn
passages well, perhaps she had such
excuses as I have indicated.

Mr. MULCASTER'S doctor was a very
pleasantly handled young man, the
most satisfactory of the author's cha-
racters. Exquisite touches of humour
and tenderness in Mr. VALENTINE'S grim
millionaire were good to see. Miss
HAIDEE WIUGHT had to waste her line
powers on that foolish puppet, the
millionaire's invalid wife, and Miss
ELLEN O'MALLEY'S cleverness had little
or no scope in the peg part of a com-
panion. Mr. G.AYEB MACKAY scored
excellent points as the asinine and mer-
cenary lover ... I cannot think the
players believed. in their play, which
should have an excellent run. T.

MUSINGS ON MARMALADE.

[" The price of marmalade has hitherto re-
mained uncontrolled. The omission is now to
be rectified, and we understand-that during
the present week an Order will be issued by
the Food Controller fixing the maximum re-
tail price at Ud. a pound." Times, Jan. 29/ft.]
MARMALADE, though bread and meat

Contribute more to our nutrition,
One meal at least is not complete

Without thy bitter-sweet addition.

Far back in days upon the Cam

I mind me how, in strictest training

From thee 'twas otherwise with jam-
There was no call for our refraining

Thenceforth from youth right on to eld

With an allegiance staunch and stable
Have I enthroned thee, unexcelled

Emollient of the breakfast-table.
The home-made brand I most esteemed

Although at need I condescended
To purchased substitutes, which seemec

Of glycerine and turnip blended.
Still, though the vulgar name of
" Squish"

Aptly at times described the mixture
Some form of marmalade, in disli

Or pot, was at my board a fixture.

But for a solid year at least,

Through war's demands on my ex

chequer,
Thy tonic attributes have ceased

To stimulate my morning pecker.
I missed thee, but thou wert too dear

My purse was never a Golconda
When lo ! on my enraptured ear

Falls this new Order of Lord

EHONDDA.
The glorious news is going round

Which indicates the resurrection,
Priced at elevenpence a pound,

Of this delectable confection.
And yet misgiving fills my mind

About this plan of maximurnming ;
For price means nothing if wo find

The thing itself is not forthcoming.

FKIUU-AKY 0, I '.MS.

PUNCH, oii TIIK LONDON CIIAI;I\ \i;r.

"Wno '8 HK, FATHER?"

'HE'S A BEEFKATEB."

IS THAT WHY LORD RHONDDA SHUT HIM CP IS THE TOWEB?"

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)
The Free Press (ALLEN AND UNWIN) is a reprint in volume
form of certain articles by Mr. HILAIBE BELLOC which
I remember in the trenchant pages of The New Age. In
them lie sets out to prove that the Common (or Capitalist,
as he calls it) newspaper is useless and dangerous, and ought
to be abolished ; and conversely that the hope of the future
lies in a Press genuinely free botli from the shackles of
private ownership and the tyranny of advertisement. In
ono respect at least I should join issue with Mr. BELLOC.
Never, I fancy, was what we call the influence of the Press
so apparently great but in reality so slight. We may all,
or most of us, buy more papers than ever before; but as
for that pathetic faith, which I seem to recall from the
early days of 1914, by which a statement read in The Daily
Something became ipso facto more probable than not
where, oh where is it now? Still, after making allowance
for Mr. BELLOC'S prejudices (notably that eagerness cher-
cher la juif which is still an obsession with him) the fact
remains that ho has stated clearly and well an exceedingly
strong case; though I cannot think that lie is altogether
kind in his comparison of the notes in The Spectator to
" the conversation of commercial travellers in a railway car-
riage." That any indictment of the "advertisement-run"
papers naturally resolves itself more or less into a puff of
certain organs notoriously not thus supported is perhaps
unavoidable. Mr. BELLOC'S little book is a half-crown's
worth of special pleading over which anyone, with whatever
result to his convictions, may spend a stimulating hour.

In a dedicatory letter Mr. Ilrc.n WALPOLE explains that
Tin' (liven Mirror (M AOIILLAX) was written before the War

and almost excuses himself for allowing it to be published
Both explanation and excuse are unnecessary. Mr. WALPOLE
is dealing with a subject which will bo as vital when the
War ends as it ever was. It is not so much a story of
family life (though it is that) as of Family. The Trenchards
we have here their history through three generations
were obsessed with the Family Idea. (Incidentally I may
say that longevity was a habit of theirs, and to crowd
uncomfortably under one roof was another.) Unfortunates
who were neither Trenchards nor connected with them
simply did not count. Whether in London or Cornwall,
which for some unintelligible reason is called " Glebeshire,"
the Trenchards fortified themselves against the outer world.
Through their defences a young man thrusts himself and
has the temerity to fall in love with Kntherine, of the
youngest generation, the joy of the whole Family. How
the intruder is absorbed into and deadened by the Trenchard
atmosphere is cleverly told ; though the process of assimila-
tion would have been more impressive if ho hud had a
really strong will of his own. The triumph of the book is
Katherine's mother. ' Till now 1 never appreciated how
devastatingly selfish a devoted mother can be. Though
Mr. WALFOLE'S wealth of detail is doubtless justified by
the nature of his theme, I confess that at times it strained
my patience. On the other hand I would gladly have been
told more about Vincent Trcnchard, who is announced to
he coming home from Eton, but (though I anxiously looked
for his arrival through, many pages) never puts in an
appearance. An Eton boy's breezy presence among so
many ancient and middle-aged people would have been a
welcorna tonic. It is a great pity that he got mislaid.

Stepsons of France (MI-RHAY) is a very happy title for
Captain P. C. WREN'S collection of tales of the French

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAEI.

[FEBRUARY 6, 1918.

Foreign Legion. These episodes, sometimes blood-curdling,
in the outlandish careers of individual legionaries, be they
Kn^lish, Scottish or American, serve indirectly as an indi-
cation of the fighting spirit of France. If her stepsons
arc like tin's what must her sons bo '.' The tales are said
to be true, but I find it hard to believe that the gay and
lively imagination of the author has not had some play.
True, the depot of this regiment was once the ultimate
collecting-place of the world's most reckless, adventurous
and abandoned rips. Even for them, however, life could not
have been such a concentration of brutality and romance,

Miss SHARP is far too intelligent not to estimate such
rubbish at its proper value ; one recalls work of hers in
the past, contributions to The Yellow Book, for example, as
proof of this. And one feels sorry for her to-day.

Eli^filcth Allenliy in An Officer's Wife (JENKINS) was the
victim of a vexatious will, which made her whole income con-
ditional upon her remaining single. No doubt it was right
iu principle, but somehow it wasn't made to seem natural in
fact, that, having roused her Tony up to an enthusiastic pro-
posal, she should lie about this in the fear that the proposal

terror and humour. But no matter if Captain WKEN has might bo held up by chivalrous feelings on her account,
touched up the picture a bit ; these infantry units of the i After all, he was very, very young and she was very, very
grand Krencli army deserve to bo advertised on flaming ' pretty, and they were together in a conservatory, and the
posters. I hope he will do the same for the other magnifi- lights were low and the palms were accommodating ; it
cent troops to whom he refers from time to time ; in par-
ticular the Chasseur Alpin requires to bo better known

out .of his own country,
that these tales do not '
touch upon the present
War. This, I think, is just
as well. The achievements j
of the Legion in the line ,
are better left to the his-
torian to be recorded as
they have been decorated
collectively. Readers of
Captain WREN'S stories,
who should be very many
and various, will not only
enjoy these reminiscences
of the past ; they will he
impatient to know of all
being done in the present
by the Legion.

Meanwhile it should he noted

I have been reading a
small book called A Com-
munion of Sinners (ALLEN
AND UNWIN), with the re-
sult that I would give
a good deal for a quiet
conversation with Miss
EVELYN SHARP, who wrote
it. She has apparently
composed the sketches in
this volume to express the

Mistress (to general, who lias been sent on an errand). "You ARE VEKY
LATE, MARY."
Mary. -WELL, MUM, THE BUTTER QUEUE GOT MIXED UP WITH mi:

'IPPODROME QUEUE, 'AN BEFORE I KNEW IT I WAS SWEP 1 IS."

only needed an " I 'd sooner be as poor as poor witli you,
darling, than as rich as be blowed by myself," and I don't
think Tony would have given the matter another thought

j until some few weeks after
i the honeymoon. How-
! ever, once they were mar-
ried the sequel developed
naturally enough ; and the
fatal will behaved in an
entirely normal and life-
like manner by remaining
valid till the very end. I
thoroughly approved of
Captain Grant, whether
he was to be regarded as
a virtuous villain or a
not too persistently heroic
hero. Hannah, as occa-
sional chorus, gave great
satisfaction, and I have
! met few women more de-
lightfully detestable than
Mrs, John Luttrell. There
was, too, a noteworthy
sympathy for the feelings
of other officers' wives
which will please many. A
word of advice, in conclu-
sion, to LOUISE HEILGEHS:
she should not permit her
women to use improbable
cattishisms; and next time

detestation of war that is of course common to us all. j she should get a man to edit her slang and bring it up to date.

Whether she objects to the present War chiefly, or to wars iu
general, is a point that may be left obscure. What is by no
means obscure is the perplexed irritation of the author over
the fact that the majority of her fellow-countrymen should
have found even the horror of war preferable to certain
other unpleasantness, to national dishonour for example.
On every page that she devotes to this problem you will
read plainly the vexation of a clever pleader devoid of argu-
ments ; in their place she can give us nothing but vain
reiteration of the physically revolting aspect of bloodshed

Tony, meaning to be intensely human, appeared at times,
by reason of his selection of words, to be slightly common.

The Chronicles of St. Tid (SKEFFINGTON) gives us yet
another opportunity to admire Mr. EDEN PHILLPOTTS in
his out-and-out West-Country mood. Here we have sixteen
sketches of St. Tid, which is the Phillpottsian for Delabole,
and although none of them is remarkable all are readable.
Possibly the characters are not quite so quaint as we are
accustomed to find them in the author's West-Country

(as if there was a man or woman to-day who did not under- j tales, but what we lose in humour we gain in trueness to
stand as much !), mingled with uneasy sarcasm at the sim- j life. For my own part I am never more content than when
sity of mind that would brave such terrors for an ideal Mr. PHILLPOTTS has seated a bevy of his creations corn-
incomprehensible to the better-informed writer. There is a fortably in an inn, and I may stay with them
certain sameness, not to say monotony, about the method of mtil the clock with muffled chime asserts that it is closing t.imc,
propaganda; the "quiet" puppet, generally

"in the corner," figures largely, with what the author clearly
intends as unanswerable objections. " ' Why are the Ger-
mans called Huns? And why have we gone to war with
Hunland?' proceeded this tiresome young woman. The
old gentleman pretended not to hear." Really, of course,

And o'er the fluids now white with rime the company retires."
In this book there is not much bar-parlour gossip, but the
tale which appeals to me most is suggestively called " ' The
Green Man ' and ' The Tiger.' " However low this taste of
mine may be, Mr. PHILLPOTTS is responsible for having
created it, and I am grateful and unashamed.

FBBBOARY 13, 1918.] PUNCH, OR TUB LONDON CHARIVARI.

CHARIVARIA.

TIIKHI: is no truth in the report that,
the postponement of the sale of tho
MEDICI Letters at CHRISTIE'S is duo to
a belated offer on the part of the CKNSOH
to put a few finishing touches to them.

-: *

Nor is there any ground for tho
rumour that tho stoppage was duo to
the fact that tho A.S.E. had not had
time to consider tho matter.

:;<

Dr. DKLMER Cnorr, tho American
"Old Moore," states that in his opinion
tho end of the world will come in
tho year 3187 A.D. Every effort is
therefore heing made to push on
with tin; \Var in order that the two
events shall not clash.

The Lokalameiger points out
that Sweden has offended Ger-
many. We have felt for some
time that Germany was annoyed
about something.

* *

The Ministry of Food is care-
fully watching the production of
sausages. It is evident that there is
much nervousness existing among
sausages, for they seem of late to
bo going about in groups.

* *

Broadstairs residents claim to
have heard the cuckoo, while from
Ramsgate comes the almost in-
credible story that a butcher has
been seen in full bloom.

* *

The Kolnische Zeitung denies the
story that, while shaking hands
with the CKOWN PRINCE at a Berlin
meeting, a neutral journalist had
his pocket picked. At tho same
time it would bo wise in future to
insist on LITTLE WILLIE showing
both hands.

disappointed at not being ablo to carry J remembering ihis number and adding

out their idea of sharing their plenty
with less fortunate British civilians.

*. *

The American millionaire who re-
cently offered to buy a pair of tanks
has since notified the Government that
to ensure safe delivery tho creatures
should reach New Jersey before the
mosquito season begins.
* *

" It is Germany," says a Hun paper,
"who will speak tho last word in this
War." Wo agree. And the last word
will bo "Kamerad!"

it to tho telephone number which you
want, it may ho possible to get through
to the wrong number without voluntary
aid from tho operator.
* *

According to Ti: / .Yctrs a

London bus conductor, upon seeing a

B in a shop window, stopped tho

bus. The choose however still sticks to

the story that it did not signal to tho bus.

CIIUKCII AND STAGE.

[A country Vii-ar has lately forbidden
Curate to appear on the amateur stage in

'Tis difficult upon the stage

Proprieties to keep ;
What should a poor young Curate
wear

As ho poses himself for sleep?
If his pink pyjamas ho selects

The Vicar declares ho 's shocked ;
If ho chooses to don a night-shirt

He '11 probably bo unfrocked.
Retaining his regular clerical garb

May save the Church's faco ;
But is going to bod with your trou-
sers on

An infallible sign of grace?

the

People are requested by
authorities not to use the telephone
during air-raids. Should it be abso-
lutely necessary it is suggested that the
conventional "Are you there?" should
be replaced by some phrase less likely
to depress the operator, such as " How
are you all at home?" or "A nice bright
night for tho time of year."

* *

The finding of the Government Com-
mission that someone was to blame for
flic Halifax disaster has caused pro-
found dissatisfaction in naval circles.

* *

'',

Two recaptured German prisoners
who escaped from a Welsh internment
camp were found to be carrying haver-
sacks filled with food. It is understood
hat tho kindly fellows were greatly

Handsome. Blue- frontal
Parrot ; plain Talker ; cheap."

Prooiticial Paper.

We fear that the bird's talk was
plain to the point of rudeness.

Headline from an article on
domestic economy :

"FISH COQUETTES."

Kvening Paper.

We understand that the main in-
gredient in this attractive dish is
what lawyers call a. feme sole.

From a story entitled " The Girl
who was Incompetent":

"She had exactly twenty shillings in
her purse. Six of the twenty would go
for the week's rent of the shabby little
back bedroom she inhabited, tho remain-
ing fifteen lay between her and starvation."
It is absurd to call a girl incompetent
who can turn pounds into guineas.

Indian Food Hogs.
11 ' Don't congratulate ine,' he would say in

, . a tone of injured bnismierie, ' it was tho men

A ghost, with a , ; clutching hand, has j who (lill it- . J aild ho Wi | s K0 , luincly uneom .

been seen at Gllhngham. There IS avertable as if lie were wearing borrowed
popular superstition that a Quarter-

Officer. "Dos'i YOU SALUTE AN OFFICER WHEN YOU
BEE ONE?"

Labour Tommy. "I AIN'T IN YOl'B CBCSII, SlB.
is Mn. JONES'S COMPANY."

I'M

Violets are reported from a Sussex
garden, and Mr. OUTHWAITE, who as a
patriot would prefer them to be onions,
will ask a question about it in the
House of

Commons.

superstition

master- Sergeant was hanged there in
the reign of CHARLES II.

Any attempt to brighten up the
literature of the day should bo encour-
aged. \Vo are glad to note that the

plums." Times "f India.

This and the other habit of wearing ripe

tomatoes should bo discountenanced in

War-time.

"Tiie Committee wish to impress on the

supporters of the b>-pi!.il all over Ireland that
I the Matron can uti l.lcs of any sort,

.January issue of 1 he London ZvbpfcoM especially p. i .md poultry."

Irish Times.

Directory has been brought up to date

by the inclusion of the postal number' Wo have heard of "asparagus chickens,"

of the various districts. By carefully but the vegetable epg is new to us.

[FEBRUARY 13, 1918.

LETTERS FROM THE HOME FRONT.

MY UK \n Er.uixALD, I sometimes
fear that in the ordered conditions of
your trench life you lack imagination to
picture the cruel rigours of war as we
suil'cr them at home. You who, except
when you leave the Beaten track for a
few days' excursion into the enemy s
lines, can always count upon that re-
gularity in the service of meals which
is so essential to a right assimilation
of food it is difficult for you to grasp
what it means to be uncertain where
your next pat of butter is to come from.
Will you 'believe it that last Friday a
friend of mine, after an exhausting
round of golf, could get nothing more
sustaining at the club than a dozen of
oysters, a medium -sized sole (Diep-
poise), an omelette aux fines herbes, and
a couple of peches Melba? No cheese
at all, mark you.

You cannot have figured to yourself
what is likely to he the effect upon one's
self-respect of being forced to live on
a diet of vegetables for five or six hours
on end (it may come to this!), when all
one's life one has ridiculed the fanati-
cism of those who adopt the vegetarian
creed. Nor can you conceive the humi-
liation endured by the citizen of a free
country when he is compelled to present
an official sugar-card before he can be
served with sweetening matter. You
are indeed fortunate to have none oi
these disintegrating anxieties to distract
you from the performance of your daily
duties.

And what do you know of the in-
describable horror of the queue, you
who have never so much as seen one
except outside a cinema palace- or a
music-hall? For you can hardly call
it a queue, in our bitter sense of the
word, when you move in single file up
a communication trench to relieve some
unit in the firing-line. In the first
place your forward progress is relatively
swift and continuous ; and, secondly
you are at least fairly well assured, as
we never are, of attaining your objec
at the end. You seldom arrive to fine
disheartening notices posted up on the
enemy's parapet: "No whizz-bangs to
day"; "No snipers"; "No gas," and
so forth.

Still, you must not think that we ar
complaining. Eest assured that we bea
these sacrifices, however involuntary
with a reticence worthy of the race
You should be proud of us. Grumbler
there are, of course, here and there ; bu
I for one have no patience with thos
who protest that they would give
good deal for a week or so at the Flan
ders front.

I naturally say nothing of the peril
to which we are exposed on the Horn

'ront. After all, your own life out
here is not entirely free from, danger.
lou too run a certain risk from enemy
embers. But you have your compen
ations which I think you may be apt
o overlook. You engaged yourself to
e a soldier and it is your business
ml therefore, no doubt, your pleasure
to be bombed. With us civilians it
s what I may call an extra an im-
osition which we never undertook to
olerate. In your case, again, it is
.art of a daily routine which has by
LOW, I hope, become an unconscious
abi't with you. With us, on the other
land, these air-raids are so desultory
md spasmodic in their incidence that
ve have not yet acquired the familiarity
vhich breeds indifference.

Further, unless you deliberately pro-
ect yourself into the zone of your own
jarrage you are largely immune from
he attacks of British guns. Whereas
we, as often as once a month or even
more, are compelled to seek cover from
he devastating duds of our Metropoli-
an artillery.

You will recognise, then, my dear
Eeginald, that, though you and I share
;he common burden of Armageddon, it
)resses on us in very different ways.
You are engaged, if I may so say,
upon an interesting expedition after big
game in foreign parts, where everything
ms a spice of exotic adventure. Bui
lere the War (which we never went out
,o meet) comes home to our very doors.

Once more I am not complaining
Nothing could be further from my
thoughts than to wish to unman you
by the tale of our sufferings. I only
want you to understand what we are
bearing for your sakes, because, if ]
know anything of your sympathetic
nature, a full comprehension of the
facts will only strengthen you in your
determination to complete the over
throw of an enemy who is causing so
much inconvenience in the home circle

Ever vour affectionate Guardian,

=== 0.8.
Not a Swan's Song.

"The Navy Department has notified th
owners of the American steamer Texas, whicl
was reported two days ago to be singing afte
being rammed, that the ship is safe."

Daily Paper.

" Disabled Soldier seeks Financial Help.
Would any lady or gentleman interested i

soldiers aud poultry write ? " Tiroes.

One of the " Bantams " ?

"WOMEN AT THE FEONT.

PRIVATE DENOUNCES ' OHOSS LIBELS.'

In the Upper House of Convocation
Canterbury at Westminster the Archbishop
Canterbury, dealing with the question
women's work at the front," etc.

Provincial Paper.

When did his Grace join up?

MY WICKET.

As I sit in this bleak camp, in the
epths of a North-country winter, a
udden ache comes over me for Summer
nd the South and freedom. I want to
abble (like Falstaff) of green fields
f green fields and white flannels, of
ay blazers and frocks, of the smell of
ut grass and all the keen clean leisure-
ness of country-house cricket. And
o, until my day-dream is interrupted
y the voice of the Sergeant-Major
rying aloud that the company is ready
o have its feet inspected, 1 will talk to
ou about my most memorable wicket.
It happened at a house in Sussex,
(vhere I was the only civilian I mean
ayman in a Pan-Anglican team of
lergymen.

I was a stranger, and the prospect of
meeting the clergy in bulk made me very
lervous, so before starting I wrote my-
elf a short but warmly expressed testi-
monial of character from the Bishop
of Sodor and Man as moral support,
lowever, they proved a most cheery
:ompany and they could certainly
play cricket. We stayed in the whole
>f the first day, making over four
iimdred.

Our opponents had several first-class
Dats, and their first three wickets pro-
duced two hundred runs ; then there
was a slump in the standard, and the
nnings closed for two hundred and
,welve. They followed on at three
o'clock, determined to play out time if
,hey could.

The heroes of their first innings a
gunner Major and a Cambridge Blue
came in again and gradually took root.
Bowler after bowler was tried without
success. Euns came slowly, but runs
lad ceased to count ; the whole question
now was, could we get their first three
wickets down in time for the subse-
quent procession to repeat itself ?

As usual, I had at the beginning o
the game warned my captain that no
useful purpose would be served by
putting me on to bowl.

On this occasion, however, things
were desperate. The captain came up
to me. " Have you never bowled ? " he
asked.

Hardly ever, unless I was captain
ing the side."

" Well, have a go this end. How do
you want your field ? Are you fast ? '

"Far from it." I gave a glance
round the field. " They '11 do as the)
are, except that I want one man on the
leg boundary to stop the pulls."

" Eight. Hugh, you go."

Hugh, a fat and benevolent-looking
curate with a pair of enormous spect
acles, sighed dismally.

"Be merciful," he pleaded as h

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. FKBKUAKY 13, 1918.

s 3

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1>TJNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [FEBRUARY 13, i

passed me
wind."

1 1 'in horribly short in the

My first ball to the Blue was a superb
long-hop to leg. The batsman smote
it contemptuously past the square-leg
umpire, and Hugh, after a wild sprint
of fifty yards, failed by inches to save
the boundary. The Major at my end
Hugh was not a graceful

grinned
runner.

.
I signalled to him to stay where lie

was and bowled

the thing

one to the extras ; which showed a very
gratifying improvement on my part.

I delivered my next amid a tense
hush of expectation. It was (at last)
according to schedule, a slow one, pitch-

began to laugh and was bowled.
staggered back to the pavilion with the
tears streaming down his cheeks.

This was the turning-point of the
"ame. We won ten minutes from time

f T i l i XT -

,
person will deny that

pitched twice before it reached the bats-
man, again on the leg side. Hugh,
rushing back to his original position in
another frantic effort, again just failed
to reach the ball. This time
be sat down and rested his
head in his hands before throw-
ing in.

" What about having another
man out there?" suggested
the captain.

" I don't think so. You see,
in theory I 'm bowling entirely
on the off, and at any moment
I may begin to do so in fact."

" Uin ! " he said. I don't
know what he meant, but the
Major, who seemed to have a
strong sense of humour, gave
a gurgle of laughter.

My third delivery was a
short one just wide of the leg
stump, and the batsman, with
the careless certainty of habit,
whacked it to the old place
behind the square-leg umpire.
I didn't see anything to laugh
at, and I 'm sure Hugh didn't,
but the Major lay on the ground
and shouted.

"Bowler's name?" piped
our host's thirteen - year - old
daughter suddenly from the
score-tent.

"Other," I said hastily.
" A. N. Other." But it was useless to
try to hush it up. Everybody on the
field seemed to be shouting my name
for the next ten minutes, covering me

aeeoroinE so Bcneuuwj. Biun m, **- - -,,,., XT

ng on ^e off and breaking in. But by an innings and thirteen runs No
the batsman-a man of few ideas and arguments of mine could persuade the
hawk-like eye-hooked it round straight youthful scorer to credit mo with my
at the unfortunate Hugh, who was wip- wicket, but I think no right-minded
ing his dewy spectacles and continued
serenely to do so while the ball trickled
between his legs to the boundary.

A roar of laughter went round the
iield, and the Major showed signs of
hysteria. He was so far gone that the

fact that my next two balls were good

Oh, all right, Sergeant- Major. I
just coming."

Worker's Wife. '"UBBY CP, FATHEB. OSE OP OUB CHICKENS
'AS LAID A EGO IN NEXT DOOB'8 PIANNEE ! "

w'ith confusion.
As I took off

for my next ball I

suddenly noticed that the captain had,
without further consulting me, rein-
forced the apoplectic Hugh with a long-
legged prebendary from extra-cover.
Annoyed by this insult, I determined
that, at any rate, the next ball should
pitch on the off side of the wicket.

It did.

Point was very nice about it, but I
could see that he was more hurt than
he would admit. He insisted, however,
that it was his own fault entirely ; he
ought to have been on the look-out.
Mid-off pointed out that the previous
balls had each scored four to the bats-
man, whereas this one merely added

length and had to be treated with
respect seemed to him to be the crown-
ing absurdity of the whole incident.

The field changed over and the cap-
tain came up to me.

" Reluctantly," he said, " I must take
you off. We have all enjoyed your

A MATTER OF TEMPERATURE.

I HAD not seen Frederick since we
were at school together until
the other day, when I came
across him standing in the
snow and regarding, with a fine
air of proprietorship, the R.E.
timber dump of which he is in
charge. It was a nice dump.
I told Frederick so. I said he
must be a proud man to have
control of such unlimited fuel.

"Not fuel," said Frederick,
turning a pale eye on me.

The temperature of our Mess,
I remarked, was so inhospitable
that I felt I could not possibly
ask a long-lost friend into it.
So he led the way into his little
office, where we sat before a
roaring log fire.

I talked about the dear old
school. I quoted the senti-
ments of the Eton Boating
Song. I said how well we held
together always ready to ex-
tend a hand to one another in
the hour of need. I regretted
my slackness in the old days
and discovered an admiration
for the virtues of application
and perseverance which had al-
ways characterised Frederick.

" .1 > -i

over very much, and if we only had a think of it, I 'm
little more time to spare. . . . How- the talking. I

I put in some violent coughs, attributed
them to a weak lung, and mentioned
a tendency to chilblains. Sapping up
from yet another direction, I quoted a
report which argued that moral was a
matter largely to do with the temper-
ature of the blood. Now I come to

ever, you must come down later on and
do it for us again, and we '11 ask Hugh
down for the day."

Our fast left-hander began his run. . . .

"But look here," you say, "if you

afraid I did most oi
got little more than

monosyllables out of Frederick, cer-
tainly not so much as a handful oi
shavings.

Clearly Frederick was not a case foi
diplomacy. Timothy, rny batman, who

, , . , ,

were taken off at this point, what about ' overheard my impotent ravings latei
ur wicket ? " I in the da also came to this conclusion

your wicket ?

l|_ll W1UKCU . ' iLi wA*C UOI V t UdOVJ ^/CVIJIO V\J vio wv^iJ-'*'-

Well, as a matter of fact it was, so to On that as on other occasions Timothy
speak, a posthumous wicket, but still ! decided to act and enlightened me only
mine by all the laws of cause and effect.
For, as the left-hander delivered his first

and frozen

ball to the Major, that happy warrior sentry, whose duty it was to guarc

after the event.

I gather that a bored

iJiiii \j\j i;mj .tf-i-tv IV* j UiiiJjU JitLlJlJy v wii AAWJ. DQUIU y j *v j njou uuv Y * v > * o

once more lost control of his emotions, j Frederick's dump, beguiled some mo

FKI.KUABV i:j, 1J18.] PUNCH, OR THH LONDON < 'I I A RI VARI.

101

that night in friendly corners'!
with one who stayed to chat in spite
of the dark and tho cold. " Did ho
know," this ono aski-d, " a bloko called
'Knery Coleman-- a little fair chap with
a ginger moustache? " No, ho did not.
Ho knew Bert Colonial), who was in
tho same section. Bert Coleimm was
a little chap, but you wouldn't hardly
call his moustache ginger; it was
dai -lush-like. There was also a Corporal
Coleman in the Umptieth Company
the same Division. Corporal Coleinan
was fair, but hadn't got no moustache.
And so on until two shadowy figures,
heavily laden, had crossed out of the
dump behind the snitry and were lost
in the blackness of the night.

The quest of 'JOnery Coleinan was
resumed twenty-four hours later. The
sentry, touched by the pathetic story
of Mrs. Coleinan, who sighed for news
of her 'Knery, forgot his duty, forgot
the dump and forgot even to blow his
fingers and stamp bis feet. He was
helpful ; he suggested that '.Knery
might have shaved his moustache,
might now be a corporal. Ho gave
elaborate directions to the place where
Corporal Coleman might bo found.
Timothy could hardly get away from
him, he was so interested in the Cole-
inan case.

Then Timothy tried daylight, for-
swearing the aid of 'Enery Coleman.
With two men and a hand-cart he
trundled briskly into the dump just as
Frederick emerged from the other side
of it. Timothy owed much, I under-
stand, to the moral effect of the hand-
cart.

"Cold morning, Corporal," Timothy
said politely. " I just seen your oflicer.
Nine pit-props, eight feet long, six
inches diameter," he added, consulting
a piece of paper. " Shall we take 'em
off of that heap ?. "

"No, my lad," said the N.C.O., who
regarded a private of infantry as some-
thing very easy, " you '11 take 'em from
"ere." And he carefully selected nine
particularly twisty pit-props that might
have been designed by ARTHUR RACK-
HAM. "Now you can sign for "em,"
he added.

"That'll take

Staff-Sergeant (imtrufttng). "STOP WHISPERlV
'A BLOOMIN 1 SECRET THAT YOU 'BE A BEGINNER?"

TO 'JM IS PUBLIC ! D' YOU THINK IT '8

wrote, " are clearly traceable to your
Battalion, if they come no nearer to
you than that. 1 know perfectly well
that you will plead an alleged inability
to trace the individual delinquents as
an excuse for your unwillingness to take
proper disciplinary action. It only re-
mains for me to say that any pleasure

have felt at

may nave teic ac renewing our
acquaintance, happily never intimate,
is overshadowed by regret that one
who had an honourable upbringing
should associate himself, in sympathies
and probably in deeds, with those who
are habitually addicted to larceny of
this order."

I replied :

" DEAR FREDDIK, To receive a letter
from you gave me a warm glow of
pleasure. If you won't let me thank
you for timber, believe me I am grate
ful for your bark.

plops, if you

us three journeys,"
says Timothy. " I '11 sign when we got
the nine. Now, boys, up wiv 'em 1 "

They got eight pit-props away in two
journeys and sacrificed, a little regret-
fully, the ninth . . .

Timothy told me all this afterwards,
and I was very stern with him. I cited
K.B. and the penalties for theft from a
comrade. He told me, in fact, just
after I had received a note from
Frederick which had followed us to
billets in another village. " A series of
mean thefts from my dump," Frederick to know my chilblains particularly accentuating the poet's meaning.

Frederick, named after you are now
much better.

" P-S. Dp you happen to have a
man named Henry Coleman in your
Field Company?"

There was an old man of St. Bees
Who lived for a month on tinned peas ;

Then he stood in a queue

From eleven till two
And asked for " two
cheese."

BREST NOGOTIATIONS."

Evening Herald (Plymouth).

This looks like a misprint ; but it is
really an inspiration.

" \Vcnrni

( an ,nore upon the flint, when rusty sloth
Finds the damn pillow hard."

Glasgow Daily Record.

You will be glad But we question the propriety of thus
ains nartir.uhirlv iinr.nnrnnrinr' flip nnnf.'o mpaninir

102

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [FEBRUARY 13, 1918.

THE SIMPLER LIFE,
i.

A EAT OFFENSIVE AND A COUNTER-
ATTACK.

IF anybody had told me a few weeks
ago that Elizabeth was ever likely to
be of the faintest use either to us or
to any other family of human beings,
I should merely have smiled. Our
latest general and the worst who has
ever commanded us, a veteran of forty-
six, combining a most forbidding ap-
pearance with every fault domestic
tlesh is heir to, she had, at the time
of our move into the cottage, success-
fully baffled three several attempts on
our part to dismiss her. On the first
occasion she had informed us next day
(with tears) that she forgave us; on
the second she had declared that she
never accepted notice on a Sunday ; on
the third she had refused to deal with
us in the matter save through the
medium of her solicitor. Finally we
took her with us to the cottage. It was
just possible that the kitchen range
might kill her ; at any rate there could
be no harm in trying.

Eats are really rather romantic ani-
mals till they take to shedding their
fur on the butter. Then it is time to
put your foot down. The great diffi-
culty is to put it down in the right
place, that is, on the rat. Hardly
any man has ever done it successfully
except by a fluke. And of course women
never attempt such a thing ; they pre-
fer to leap on to the mantel-piece.

We might have known that there
would be rats in a country cottage. It
was true that our landlord had omitted
to mention the fact ; but now I come
to think of it almost the only matter
he did mention was the rent. He is
a man of few words, disregarding in-
essentials and going straight to the
heart of things.

On the third night after our arrival
they started. It seemed to be a race-
meeting, and was possibly one of their
ordinary fixtures, though from the
number of events and competitors I
was inclined to regard it at the time
more in the light of a joy-gathering to
celebrate our advent. The course was
roughly circular and embraced the
whole of the ground floor below the
boards. Next day we missed a loaf ol
bread, a pound of margarine and part
of a ham, so no doubt refreshments hat
been included in the programme.

On the following night proceedings
were quieter, but morning brought evi-
dence of still greater activity in the
larder and the store cupboard. We al
felt that something must be done.

The problem was, what. Of course
there are several varieties of poison, all

guaranteed " to destroy the vermin and
leave absolutely no odour behind." I
bought a bottle ; but my wife disliked
the idea of leaving poison about the
house, even at night, since the younger
of our two children had more than
once been known to walk in her sleep,
and, as every parent knows, there is
scarcely an hour of the twenty-four
vhen a" little girl of three years old is
lot hungry. Elizabeth advised us to
x>ur tar into their dug-outs. No rat,
she said, could abide tar on its feet.
My objection to this was that the
enemy could easily counter by con-
structing fresh dug-outs, so that such
i plan of campaign would merely end
n the eventual honeycombing of the
whole place.

"Why not try a trap?" suggested
my wife.

'i shrugged my shoulders. " I do not
know," I said, " the precise number of
ats there may be at the present moment
n and about this cottage. Possibly it
runs into hundreds. With a trap we
might, or we might not, catch a couple
a week. Is it worth it ? "
" No," she agreed.

That was really my point all through.
Half-measures, I felt, were useless.
By hook or by crook I must devise
some fearful devastating blow which
would either slay them or drive them
Tom the cottage en masse. Nights
and days dragged wearily by, nights of
fitful sleep broken by the horrid riot-
ings of our invisible foe; days of deep-
ening anxiety and desperate aimless
resolves. And then quite unexpectedly
it fell, the blow I dreamed of dealing.
But it was not I who inflicted it.

One morning at breakfast-time Eliza-
beth announced that two rats had run
over her face in 'the night. I did not
believe it, and for a very good reason
She said that in her dread of the crea-
tures she had gone to sleep with her
candle alight by her bedside. Had the
Boom been in darkness I could have
understood the accident happening
But on her own confession the woman's
face must have been visible. She stuck
to her story, however, and a little later
to my surprise I came across a deac
rat just outside her bedroom door
There was no mark of violence on the
body, which appeared plump and well-
nourished. Suddenly I understood
Elizabeth had spoken the truth. ]
picked it up by the tail, carried it into
the kitchen and showed it to her.
" Heart failure," I said.
Presumably its companion survivec
the shock and got off with nothing
worse than a bad scare. But the wore
must have gone round, for since tha
night there has been no trace of a ra
! either in or anywhere near the cottage

THE PHRASE OF THE
MOMENT.

WHENEVER there 's a notice in the paper

Of trouble in the country of the Hun

Which makes me cut an optimistic

caper
Or fancy that the "cracking" has

begun,

Some leader-writer, promptly interven-
ing.
This deadly phrase discharges at my

door :

'Twere rash to overestimate its mean-
ing ;

'Twere foolish its importance to

ignore."

[f Labour in some influential section
Displays a wholesome hatred of the

Bolsh ;

[f weighty words, condemning insur-
rection,
Fall from the lips of, say, Archbishop

WALSH ;

Our Mentor, still oracularly screening
His vacillation, takes again the floor,
And begs we won't attach a serious

meaning

To statements which we oughtn't to
ignore.

Or if again some reassuring cables

Hint at a healthier attitude in Spain,
Or indicate the turning of the tables

Upon the Trotsky crew in the

Ukraine ;
Or if we get a lull in submarining,

That fatal phrase again is to the fore :
" Wo ought not to exaggerate its mean-
ing,

Nor yet its true significance ignore.

Suppose I read that Austria is seething
With discontent, that Turkey's in

the dumps,
That LITTLE WILLIE'S youngest child

is teething,
That HINDENBUBG is smitten with

the mumps ;
As sure as death or taxes or spring-
cleaning

It comes just like the raven's "Never-
more " :

" 'Twere rash to overestimate its mean-
ing ;
'Twere folly its importance to ignore."

The need of duly sifting fact from fiction

Cannot be too persistently upheld
In dealing with a foeman whose ad-
diction
To "shamming dead" has never been

excelled ;
But though our mood should not be

overweening
There's uo excuse for this eternal

bore

Who bids us not to overrate the meaning
Of something that it 's folly to ignore

KKI,I-ABY 13, 1918.] PUNCH, oil THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

103

"LISTEN TO THIB, MllS. 'IQGINB. 'GERMAN OFFICIAL. THE ENEMY WERE REPULSED AT ALL POINTS."
"'THE ENEMY'? Do THEY DARE TO CALL US 'THE ENEMY"? IMPEUENCE!"

WAR-TIME APPAREL.

THERE is a shop in Holborn that I
find it very difficult during war-time
poverty to get out of. Even in these
days of high prices everything is ab-
surdly cheap there. There are baskets
of socks costing almost less than a
leash of sausages a pair ; silk ties at
fourpence-halfpenny each hang in ser-
ried rows above one's head ; pyjamas
that would startle a cab-horse to be
had for the price of a pound of tea, and
gloves for next to nothing at all.

I was passing the door the other
day, at least 1 hoped I was, but a
basket of ties at the door drew me in
to see if there wore others less garish
at the same price inside, and I was lost.

When I had bought two ties, one
black with white spots and one ditto
with purple ditto, I paid uinepence
and prepared to walk out. As I got
near the door the string which was
holding up the port-side of my trousers
j,'HYf notice and 1 turned back. A
bunch of rare and refreshing braces
met my gazo and I retired to a secluded
part of the basement to fortify my-
self with tenpence-halfpeuny-worth of
trouser anchorage.

My next attempt at leaving was
more futile than the first, and I found
myself in the basement, wearing a now

bowler at four-and-elevenpence. With
the silk lining of my old bowler marked
" Superfine " inside my new purchase
I felt like a temporary gentleman.

By this time my loose silver was
thinning, and a nail-brush and a comb
reduced my exchequer by another ten-
pence-lialfpeuny.

"Do you mind leading me out?" I
said to a rattier attractive French or
Belgian shop-assistant, extending my
hand and shutting my eyes. But she
was evidently " the girl who took the
wrong turning," because when I opened
my eyes I found myself in front of
boxes of wash-leather gloves, and she
was saying enticingly, " Look, Sare,
only two-and-elevenpence and wash
like new. Try a pair on. Ah, zey tit
you perfectly."

Whether the engaging smile made
the fit seem more satisfactory or not, I
certainly parted with another two-and-
elevenpence and made a determined
rush for the exit; but, chancing to
bump into a short stout gentleman who
was apparently in charge of the sock-
enclosure, I was fined one-and-twopence
for my carelessness, receiving in ex-
change a pair of socks that will compel
me to show a few inches of them on
the least provocation, so fascinating
are their clocks, which almost tell the
time.

I then gave myself up for lost and
ran amok. By the time I reached the

j door I was staggering under a load of

j haberdashery and outtittings ; my over-
coat pockets were full of ties, collars,

, studs, socks, gloves, a nail-brush, a
tooth-brush, a comb and the remains

i of my old braces, which I was ashamed
to leave behind, and the string on

{ them was too useful to be abandoned.

[ I had under my arm a parcel contain-

J ing a pair of purple-and-white-striped
pyjamas, a pair of ditto dittos of an
even rarer vintage and a cotton shirt
of choice blend.

As I met the chilly air of Holborn I
found that all my loose cash had melted
away, and, in order to raise enough
capital for my bus fare to Charing
Cross, I was obliged to re enter the shop
and realise a couple of collar-studs.

" One takes oft one's hat to a player who
is horrible dicta! unafraid to phiy English
music." Daily Paper.

We recommend songs without these
horrible words.

A squeamish young man of Red Hill
Once declared that "pigmeat" made
him ill ;

Now he plunges his fork

Into cold fat boiled pork
(When he gets it) with hearty goodwill.

104

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. - [FEBUUAB-/ 13, 1918.

Indignant War-Worker. "AND SHE ACTUALLY ASKED ME IF I DIDN'T THINK I MIGHT BE DOING SOMETHING!

MISSED A CHABITY MATINEE FOB THE LAST THKEE MONTHS.

ME I AND I HAVEN'T

THE LAST SACRIFICE.

FALL in the pigeons. Fall them in two deep,
Pouters in front and fantails to the rear ;
And while you dig the scoop into the trough
Now for the last time make them cover off
AnJ prove the little squad and proving weep
Over their toes a pardonable tear.

So bright they are, so beautiful and gay

That all men joyed to hear their hovering wings ;
Only the jobbing gardener, Mr. Brown,
He never could abide them. But the town
Loved to behold them, tossed like driven spray

O'er the high church. Yet they eat corn and things.

Mere ornamental fowls, and not like those
Their active brethren of the service brand,
Who, borne in osier baskets up the line,
Care not a button for the 5.9,
And sometimes roost upon the Major's nose
And eat their rations from the Colonel's hand ;

Then, when the boys advance beyond the bags
To none knows where, because the wires are cut,
Come softly fluttering to a General's door
With tales of love and tidings of the War,
And he puts on his spectacles and wags

His finger at the dears and says, " Tut, tut ! "

(Addressed to Amanda, iclw is about to feed her pets.)

No, they are not like these. The nodding plumes
To rearward are a ceremonial dress ;
The forward bulging of the sheeny kit,
That anyone might say would pass them fit
That is but empty pomp, and none presumes
To comb them out. The birds are not G.S.

Nor are they doves ; they are not fit to bear
Soft olive branches for the Hun to take
And send again, a camouflage of lies,
Saying that everywhere men fraternise,
And now 's the time lor Labour not to spare,
But strike for home and sweet exemption's sake.

Still they must serve, although my heart is torn
And the great tear-drop wells into my eye.

What have they eaten then the utmost grain?
Form fours! and march them to the bagpipes'

strain,

And when they reach the irrevocable bourne
Halt and left turn, and fall them out for pie.

____^_^_____ EVOE.

"It is the time of testing. Not once nor twice in our rough ideal
story have such trials come." Tim Globe.

We infer that somebody has again borrowed our contem-
porary's copy of TENNYSON.

PUNCH, OB THE LONDON CHARIVARI. FEBRUARY 13. 1918.

CAIN.

MORE THAN FOURTEEN THOUSAND BRITISH NON-COMBATANTS-MEN, WOMEN AND
CHILDREN HAVE BEEN MURDERED BY THE KAISER'S COMMAND.

tion reminds me of a chapter in Out One of the best stories of the War
of ti Jl/n-li/, describing the Office has been relegated to the limbo

', vlry's yellow dog. The dog of legend. Mr. FORSTKR can find no

thing the corpse trace of the fortunate wheelwright who
arden. Ma.c re- was alleged to have received two suc-

died and its owner
into M<i.c .If/r/t'c'.s
turned it, Cooley riposted, and
so on tin cnjio, until, at the end
of a far from perfect day, all
that remained of the unfor-
tunate animal was its tail,
\\hich Mn.i-'f! hired man, who
had taken the place of his
wearied principal, interred in
the cabbage-patch.

Far lie it from me to suggest
which of the protagonists who
have been bandying the unfor-
tunate" P.B." backwards and
lorwards during the past few
days resembles the objection-
able Coolei/ and which the
hlameless Meat, Suffice it to
say that to-day the corpus vile
was in the custody of the_Peers and cessive cheques for 95 in payment of

THE WESTMIXSTKK NEIGHBOURS.

that, on the motion of Lord SKL-
HOKNH, boldly seconded by Lord LASS-
now.NE, who advised their lordships
not to l>e afraid of " the bogey men at
the other end of the corridor," they
once more flung it, curtailed by the
omission of the counties, back to the
Commons.

Content with this assertion of their
powers, the Lords proceeded to pass sun-
dry other Bills brought from the Lower
House. On the Bedistribution of Seats

an account for 9s. i)d.

Shades of 1906! To think that in
1918 we should hear from a Govern-
ment including a large infusion of
Liberals that they were employing
Chinese Labour not in South Africa,
but in Berkshire. Truly the wheel has
come full cycle in Cathay.

When Cooky's dog again came over
the fence in official parlance, when
the House entered upon the considera-
tion of " the Lords' amendments to Com-

106 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL_ [FEBRUARY 13. 1918.

came to the conclusion that warrior- j ments " to the Bepresentation of the

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT, statesmen of the kind required do not ; People Bill Members tempered their
Mauilai/, Fclintiin/ itJi. The long- i grow on every tree, and decided to get ' animosity with a certain amount of
drawn-oat struggle between the two Ibis old uniform "same I commanded i discretion. They did not want to be
over Proportional Bepivseuta- the Irish Brigade" out of cold storage, .left with the tail on their hands or, in

other words, to lose the Bill altogether.
They would not, however, have " P.B."
j at any price. London and Birmingham
i joined in protest against the proposal
! to make the boroughs the subject of
this electoral experiment. Mr.
AUSTEN CHAMBERLAIN, who,
untrammelled by office, is be-
coming quite a lively speaker,
referred to an argument ad-
vanced in the Upper House
that "P.K." would be a safe-
guard against revolution. "Let
them try to keep out the At-
lantic if they like," he ex-
claimed, "but why should I
be the mop?"

Having knocked out " P.B."
by a majority of 97 the House,
r as a sop to the Lords, decided

to confine the Alternative Vote
to the Boroughs. The voting
was on strict party-lines, the
proposal being carried by 19o Liberal,
Labour and Nationalist Votes, to 194
I Conservative. It was a great chance
, for Mr. PEMBEBTON BILLING to show
the importance of a really Independent
Member. But, alas ! he was absent.

Wednesday, February Gth. " Last
day, take it all in play," as we used to
say at school. I suppose there was a
I good deal of make-believe about the
vehement oratory heard in both Houses
I on this the final day of the Session.
: When Mr. BALFOUB heard Mr. CHAM-
: HERLAIN fulminating against the Peers
(who had again inserted an attenuated
j version of " P.B." and again knocked
j out the "A.V.") for their audacity in
i trying to tinker a Bill for the election of
| the Commons he must have imagined
that he had somehow got back to 1884,
j and that the voice was the voice of
| JOSEPH, not AUSTEN. For the moment
i it looked as if rather than allow the
Lords to insert even the thinnest end
of the wedge of "P.B." the Commons
would sacrifice the Bill altogether and
refuse the franchise to eight million
people, three- fourths of them women.

[But are there really six million
women prepared to make statutory
declaration that they are over thirty ?]
Some pleasant chaff by Mr. BALFOUB,
who had no idea that his right honour-
able friend and late colleague held such
strong views about the House of Lords,
and by Mr. ASQ.UITH, who only wished
he had had his eloquent assistance eight
years ago, brought the House to a more
businesslike mood. A final effort to
retain some semblance of the Alterna-
tive Vote was defeated by a majority

(Ireland) Bill some of them protested , mons' amendments to Lords' ainend-
against giving two more members to
that already over-represented country :
but they did not insist on a division,
and meekly acquiesced in the Govern-
ment's proposal to amend the schedule
by substituting " Parnell Street " for
" Great Britain Street." It was only
"a drafting amendment," as Lord PEEL
explained ; yet to those who remember
1886 and 1893 it symbolises a revolu-
tion.

Tuesday, February 5th. Before re-
suming the contest with " another
place " the Commons had a little busi-
ness of their own, in a list of 184
Questions. The information extracted
from Ministers was, as usual, in inverse
ratio to the curiosity of the questioners.
Still the House as a whole was glad to
hear that if the Germans transferred
their officer-prisoners to air-raid areas
we should not hesitate to do the same.
Ex-Colonel LYNCH was at first a little
disappointed to hear that the Versailles

Conference had not yet appointed a "WHY SHOVLD I HE THE MOP?'
Generalissimo for the whole of the ME. AUSTEN CHAMBERLAIN'S REPLY TO
Allied forces. On second thoughts he LORD LANSDOWNE'S SPEECH.

FEBRUARY 13, 1918.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

107

of 18; and then the Government,
putting on their Whips for tho first
time in the long history of the Bill,
carried tho motion to agree with the
Lords' amendment by 224 to 114. And
BO ended tho seventh Session of a
Parliament which by its own rash Act
should have committed suicide two
years ago. Tho KAISDH has a lot to
answer for.

TO THE WIFE SILENT IN WAR-TIME.

FAB as the Empire's bounds are flung,
She shall be honoured, she be sung,
Who keeps safe locked within her

breast,

Unboasted, unbetrayed, unguessed,
Bound as with triple chains of gold,
What things her soldier-lord hath told.
O woman, in our hours of ease,
Careless in chatter as tho seas ;
When pain and anguish wring the brow
(In point of fact, precisely now),
Accept the homage of a bard
Who knows it more than common hard
To bear, unmoved, from age and youth,
Humours, where you must know the

truth ;

To hoar them ever asking why
And smiling put the question by.
But when the Dawn shall break at

last

And the long vigilance be past,
Be yours this recompense sublime
To say, " I knew it all the time ! "
And stand confessed by old and young
The heroine who held her tongue.

THEIR STRANGEST WAR EXPERIENCE.

FAMOUS AND TYPICAL PEOPLE ON THINGS
THAT HAVK STRUCK THEM MOST.

Mr. PSINOLE, M.P.

The strangest sight of the War that
I can recall is the presence of the
PRIME MINISTER in the House of Com-
mons.

[Several other Members of Parlia-
ment have written to the same effect.]

Vacuus Viator.

The War has been so full of striking
incidents that I have some difficulty in
selecting only one; but I could not
help being struck by a police-court
scone which I chanced to witness in
the country the other day. The de-
fendant, who lived in a place where
even margarine was hard to get, was
prosecuted for having in his possession
a secret fifty-pound firkin of butter while
drawing margarine at the same time.
Two things struck me with peculiar
force. One was that he was fined only
a guinea and was apologised to by a
grovelling Bench. The other was that
lie was a clerk in what a well-known
lady novelist calls wholly hoarders.

Jones. "You 'BE LOOKING BATHER BELOW PAH. WHAT'S THE TROUBLE NOW?"

Robinson. " I 'M WORRYING ABOUT WHAT WE 'LL HAVE TO WOBBY ABOUT WHEN THB
WAR'S OVER."

Mr. LESLIE HENSOX.

Nothing, I think, has made such an
mpression on me since the inception

of this vast European struggle as the
nterest of the public in the question
which could be decided only by the
proper authorities) as to whether I

should or should not go into khaki.

Mr. Thomas Atkins.

It was during my last leave a week

or so ago that I saw the strangest

sight of this war. I had just arrived
n London and as usual I had two

or three Bosch helmets with me as
presents for my pals and a parcel or so
or the old woman, and I was coming

away from Victoria all jolly when what
should I see but a long line of people,
shepherded by policemen, waiting to
get into a grocer's shop. " Nothing in
that," you'll say and perhaps there
wouldn't be to you ; but it was a strik-
ing experience to me because they were
all waiting for that horrid stuff, mar-
garine, while one of the parcels I was
carrying to the missus contained six
pounds of the best fresh butter from
Boulogne !

Mr. John Smith.

The thing that has struck me most
in this War was a piece of shrapnel in
the last air-raid.

108

PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [FEBRUARY 13. -1918.

Fcod-Conirol Visitor. "WHAT is TUB SAME ov YOUR BUTCHER?"
Servant. " GEOBGE, MUM. An' WE 'BE COIN' TO BE MARRIED IN APRIL."

DEAD-MULE TREE.

A SONG OF WISDOM.
IT 'a a long step round by the Crucifix for a man with a

mighty load,
But there 's hell to pay where the dead mule lies if you go

by the Bailleul road,
Where the great shells sport like an angry child with a

litter of broken bricks,
So we don't go down by the Dead-Mule Tree, but round by

tJie Crucifix.
But the wild young men come bubbling out and look for

an early grave ;
They light their pipes on the parapet edge and think

they 're being brave ;
They take no heed of the golden rules that the long, long

years have taught,
And they WILL go dotvn by the Dead-Mule Tree when they

knorv that nobody ought.
And some of us old ones feel some days that life is a tiring

thing,
And we show our heads in the same place twice, we stand

in a trench and sing ;
We lark about like a kid just out and shatter a hundred

rules,
But we never go down by the Dead-Mule Tree, KC aren't

such perfect fools.
And the War goes on and the men go down, and, 'be he

young or old,
An English man with an English gun is worth his weight

in gold,

And I hate to think of the tine young lads who laughed at

you and me
WJw wouldn't go round by the Crucifix but died at th

Dead-Mule Tree. A. P. H.

HIS FINAL ARROW.

(With apologies to Sir ARTHUR CONAN Doyr.i: and
"His Last BOIL-.")

MY name is Potson, as all the world now knows. I am
only a poor doctor and suffer from the consequences of a
wound received in a border skirmish in Afghanistan many
years ago. It is not for any merits of my own that my
name has become celebrated, but because I have enjoyed
the friendship and the society of the most illustrious and
most detective man known to this or any other age. That
man, as every reader will have guessed, was Picklock Holes.
It was his custom, when engaged on one of those marvel-
lous feats of investigation which made Continents shudder
and Scotland Yard grow green with envy, to take me with
him, net so much to help him I never aspired to that
as to be the recipient of his confidences and the foil for his
humour. " Potson," he would say to me, " you are not
clever ; in fact, not to put too fine a point on it, you 're a
fool ; but if I want any one to tell me how many beans
make five you will do for the job as well as any other man.
Of course you ask silly questions, but they don't worry me
now and therefore I can endure you."

" My dear Holes," I used to murmur, " I love your
quaint harshness and could not do without it. Load on and
wherever you go I '11 follow/'

I am now about to relate the last and perhaps the most

191H.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

109

Htvut Cuast Defence Gunner (to dittu). "'ALL RATIONS TO BE REDUCED EXCEPT FOB MOBILE FORCES.' ABE WE MOBILE, JIM?"

striking example of my wonderful friend's genius. Every-
one will remember the sensation that was caused a year
! two ago by tbe discovery that there was a shortage in
the accounts of the FOOD-CONTROLLER of one lump of sugar
and three standardized bread-crumbs. All kinds of guesses
\\ore hazarded to explain the deficiency and to discover the
culprit who was responsible for it, but none was successful.
It was thought at one time that German spies, whom this
country, by the way, has never sufficiently hated, were
responsible for the loss ; but this supposition proved to be
untenable. At last the War Cabinet decided to call in tbe
; MI ice of H<5les, and he, as usual, summoned me to his
Without a moment's delay I repaired to the Baker
Street room on which Holes had conferred the dignity of
his presence. I found him deep in calculations. Without
looking up or even responding to my greeting he continued
to cover sheets of paper with mysterious formula! until at
last he noticed that I was there.

"Potson," he said, "wo learn from the arithmetic books
that nine times twelve is a hundred and eight."
Are a hundred and eight," I ventured to object.

"Brainless chatterer," he hissed, "is this a time for
grammatical subtleties? Can you tell what this is?" and
ho handed me a fragment of something green.

"It belongs," I said, looking at it carefully, "to the
ible kingdom."

He gave me one of his piercing looks. " Any fool," he
" could have told me that. Do you not see that it is
a strawberry leaf, and do you not remember that, according
to my Detective's Manual, a strawberry leaf is always a clue '

the first importance ? Let us proceed. We will eliminate '

the strawberry and the cream, because there is no cream to
be had, and the strawberry has already been eaten, and we
then find ourselves brought up against a ducal coronet."

" Holes," I said, " you are a perfect marvel."

He waved me aside and continued : " Proceeding twice,
according to the well-known theory of ' Next Things,' we
find that the next thing to a ducal coronet is a Duke, and
the next thing to a Duke is a Marquis. This leaf was found
in the back-garden. Therefore it was found outside. Now
fetch Who 's IFfto, and look at this entry, ' Outside, family
name of the Marquis of Bobstai/.' Ah, Henry Brabazou
Beltravers, Marquis of Bobstay, I think we have got you
fixed at last, and shall bring your career of crime to a
close." In a moment we had dung ourselves into a taxi,
and in about ten minutes we had arrived at the palatial
mansion of the Marquis of Bobstay. We found his Lord-
ship at home and were ushered into his library. He is a
stout man and evidently well fed. Holes grappled with
him at once, and after a short struggle produced from the
Marquis's breast-pocket a glistening lump of sugar. The
bread-crumbs were discovered in the ticket-pocket of his
Lordship's overcoat. On the following morning the
miserable man paid the penalty of his wickedness.

" Holes," I said, as we came away, " what made you
think of this?"

"I never think," said Holes; "I always know."

" Wanted, General Servant, able to cook youug girl willing to learn
preferred." BeckenJuim Journal.

If the young girl is willing to learn we think she might be
given another chance.

110

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[FEBRUARY 13, 1918.

AT THE PLAY.

"NOTHING BUT THE TlJUTH."

THE statement in an advertisemen
column (reproduced from a critical juclg
mt'iit) to the effect that the new farce
at the Savoy was " ONE HIG SCREAM,'
might have excused the gloomiest fore
bodings. And at first they appearec
to bo justified when Mr. PAUL ARTHUR
as an American speculator, started witl
an irritating smile (directed into open
space) long before anything funny hat
heen said. We had also to suffer a goot
many preliminary platitudes on the
social necessity for telling lies. But as
soon as that delightful artist, Mr. A. E
MATTHEWS (in the part of Robert Ben-
nett), registered a bet of ten thousand
dollars that he would speak " nothing
but the truth " for four-and-twenty
hours, we knew that all was well. Only
to watch the eloquent spasms of his
knee-joints always gives me confidence
Some of the embarrassments thai
were bound to follow from his deadly
candour as when he was forced to tel
a charming young lady that her hat was
" awful " and her singing " terrible "
were easy enough to foresee ; but there
was a touch of freshness about the
ironic satisfaction which he took in
exposing the frauds of his partnei
Ralston an exposure which in the
end cost that unscrupulous finan'ciei
a good deal more than his share ol
the wager. For Bennett, in love with
his daughter, had undertaken to " in-
vest the sum of ten thousand dollars
which she had raised for a charity and
turn it into twenty thousand, Ralston
having guaranteed to double any sum
that she collected from twenty thousand
dollars upwards; and the exposure of
his attempt to plant shares in a worth-
less quicksilver mine on some' of his
friends determined a number of them
to subscribe heavily to the charity and
so get back on the guarantor.

I kept wanting to ask Mr. MATTHEWS
why he did not run away and hide
himself till the twenty-four hours were
up; hut the answer to this question, as
to so many other obvious ones that 1
am often tempted to ask from my stall,
is that, if playwrights were as intel-
ligent as their audiences, there would
never be any plays at all.

Apart from the fun of things, our
sympathies were kept all the while at
high tension. Would Bennett hold out
io the end, even unto 4 P.M. ? As the
curtain rose on the last Act the clock
was at 3.25. Thirty-five more minutes of
agony for him and for us ! Happily Mr.
O. B. CLARENCE, as a reverend victim of
fraud, entered to the relief of the teller
of truth, and helped to eke out the dread-
ful minutes with a courage that came

again and again and could scarce have
been more nobly iterative if he had been
aware (he was not privy to the wagei;
that he was killing time in a great cause
As Ralston, Mr. CHARLES GLENNEY'S
robust methods wore suited to his
part as leader of the offensive. Mr
MATTHEWS, defending the beleaguerec
Palace of Truth, could afford to nurse
his strength up to the end ; and thougl
it was a near-run thing ho always
had some reserve in hand. Miss
KENEE KELLY as Ralston's daughter
was graceful and fairly sympathetic
Miss DOROTHY MINTO, who played a
music - hall flapper, was given little
chance for her gamineries, but she hac
one effective moment, when she recited

THE CONFESSIONS OP A TOO TRUE

LOVER.

liccndolyn Itahton . Miss REXEE KELLY.
Robert Tiennett '. ',' . MR. A. E. MATTHEWS.

with great gusto a tag from melodrama
about the seduction of innocence.

Altogether it was quite a good farce,
though I confess that I rather envied
;he susceptibility of an impressionable
young subaltern behind me who just
mrked for joy at every sentence. Still,
[ was always glad that most' of the
luinour was neither too subtle for me
nor too Transatlantic. And I can as :
sure President WILSON that this picture
of American Society, where the one
nan who shows any attachment to the
Truth charges ten thousand dollars for
elling it for the duration of twenty-
our hours only (he lies freely and
laturally the moment his wager is
von), shall not be allowed to shake my
confidence in the good faith of our
atest Allies.

"NAVAL TRENCH COATS."

Adi't. in "Men's Wear."
tfost useful when ploughing the ocean.

THE "COWRIE."

THE Gowrie wis the gangrel's name,

A trawlin' boat o' evil fame,

Twixt Forth an' Tay she went an' came

A score o' times a year;
Her skipper's name wis Sandy Tait,
Auld Kobbie Lumsden he wis mate,
Her crew wis ony that wad dae't,

An' I wis engineer.

Eh, Sirs, she wis a fearsome boat,
The owner wudna spare a groat
Tae gie the feckless lass a coat

O' paint, or grease the gear ;
An' ilka time I gaed below
I tliocht tae hear her boilers go,
An' ilka time I prayit low,

" Goad help the engineer."

Tae see her on the Sabbath day,
When dawn wis breakin' grtie an' grey,
Gaun skelpin' east ayont the May,

Wad draw an angel s tear ;
The reid rust lay on her like dew,
She loupit like a kengeroo,
An' ilka soul on board wis fou

Except the engineer.

Thae four years syne, I '11 testify,
Had ony Gairman lads been nigh
An' seen yon shamefu' sicht gae by,

They micht liae raised a sneer ;
For a' the tongues o' Leith wad gie's't :
" Is yon a boat or is't a beast ? "
" Hae ! avo ye heidin' west or east ? "

" Hae ! whaur 's yer engineer ? "

Ah, weel, it shows ye never ken
When dealin' wi' seafarin' men ;
The Gowrie 's kin'o'changed since then,

An' gin ye wis tae speir,
Ye'se find that Tait 's got braw new

breeks,

That ae crew sticks tae us like leeks,
An' we've been sober ninety weeks,

Mate, man an' engineer.

Aye ance a week the Goicrie 's seen
At Leith, Dundee or Aiberdeen,
But whaur she gangs till in between

I canna mak' sae clear ;
But Lumsden 's bocht a guinea knife,
Tait sends mair money till his wife,
An', man, but I 've been seein' life

While I 've been engineer.

Whit wey ? " Awa' an' baud yer

: tongue !

But heed ye this bit sang I 've sung,
The best 's no' a' the saints among

When works o' war appear.
What gars the Gowrie pay again ?
What 's changit wild tae sober men ?
Speir o' the Gairmans, for they ken;

I 'm nae but engineer.

Iron Rations.

"To Farmers and Poultry Keepers. 20c\vts.
nails taken from cases, 12/6 per cwt."

Mancliester Evening News.

13, 1918.] PUNCH, OR TH K LONDON CHARIVARI.

ill

Absent-minded Old Lady (handing in sugar-card at railway ticket-office). " HALF-A-POUND, PLEASE."

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)

FOR the first time in the history of English letters a
book has been written capable of inspiring me with a wish
to visit China. This epoch-making result followed upon
my perusal of The Wanderer on a Thousand Hills (LANE),
a story of the modern Orient so sympathetic and know-
ledgeable and showing such an insight into the life that it
describes, that I should place it well above any attempt
to translate China for Western minds that has previously
come to my notice. Miss EDITH WHERRY has, I believe, an
earlier tale of the same genre to her credit, which I appear
to have missed ; this is certainly a misfortune that must not
occur again. The present plot an English child found by a
mourning Chinese mother, brought up as her own son, win-
ning the greatest honours of learning in the Celestial Empire,
and then (inevitably for story purposes, but how I regretted
it!) learning the secret of his birth and giving up all to
become a wanderer is cunningly fashioned to show as
many aspects as possible of native mind and character.
Throughout, too, you will be fascinated by Miss WHERRY'S
local colour in the strict sense of the word ; her pen-
pictures of Chinese scenes have all the brilliance of paint-
ings upon rice-paper. Some day, as I say, I mean to
confirm their truth for myself. But for the present, when
piracy and preoccupation combine to keep us home-bound,
there should be the warmer thanks to a clever lady for
providing an unsinkable ship (dare I call it a trim-built
WHERRY? Perhaps not) to transport us to this land of

strange and fragile beauty, still whispering from her porce-
lain towers the last enchantments of Eastern faerie.

I am interested to note a revival in confessedly " humorous "
fiction ; the latest volume of this kind that has come my
way being one with the rather odd title of Drifting (with
Browne) (HEINEMANN). Its author is Mr. BYERS FLETCHKR,
and he has contrived a book which, if it is not distinguished
by any specially dazzling wit, affords a pleasant enough
entertainment in its quiet, rather haphazard fashion. There
are two main characters in the tale the one who tells it
and Browne ; also a valet to look after Browne's comforts,
and later to save his life, and a sister of the narrator for
him to marry. You will observe that Mr. FLETCHER, recog-
nising that humour in bulk is apt to become unwieldy, has
diluted his with some proportion of sentiment. Unfortun-
ately his touch here lacks (I thought) the restraint that
makes the lighter passages so agreeable, and indeed verges
perilously upon the sloppy. Far more to my taste were
some of his reminiscences of such matters as the deal in
rubber shares (if indeed one should jest upon so grim
a theme!) or the amusing story of how not to get the
better of an old-furniture dealer. The conclusion of the
whole matter is that Drifting is a volume to be tasted
rather than gulped. One legitimate ground I have of
curiosity and complaint. Why should the title-page con-
tent itself with the curt announcement, " Illustrated," and
convey no further clue to the artist of the many clever
and spirited drawings that adorn the text ? Surely this is
modesty in excess.

112

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[FEBRUAUY 13, 1918.

Captain BIUTTEN AUSTIN is one of the few writers of
war fiction whose perspective has not been spoiled by his
experiences. I do not mean to suggest that in Battlewrack
(HODDER AND STOuaHTON) he does not see war as it is.

rather than a strictly historical account of a given period ;
and it is natural enough that the writer should now and
again he tempted aside into fascinating digressions. So,
though she has invited her readers to Central America,

That he does, and can depict it powerfully and even terribly, i they have to play a rather irritating follow-my-leader to
such stones as " Verdun " and " Pro Patria " in the volume , China or Flanders or Finland as she chooses, and return
before me sufficiently attest. But he never makes the j sometimes along the track of almost identical phrases to
mistake of giving way to that atmosphere of sombre ] the deeds and policies of her hero, the great President. Not
realism with which most war-tales are so easily and so j that the smoothness of her narrative suffers much, for
naturally clothed, which adds so much to their value as certainly there is little enough smoothness in the brutal
heroic literature, but takes away so much from their worth procession of receut Mexican politics, but it did seem at
as fiction. In romance, whatever its theme, if it is to perform times that the writer would have made better use of her
the common function allotted to this kind of light litera- j material had she been less willing to lecture for their good

ture, not only must the incidents and the actors be largely
imaginary, but the whole must be informed with a spirit of
pleasurable adventure not always very notably apparent in

various people all round the world myself and President
WILSON, for instance. Mrs. TWEEDIE declares herself as,
first and most, an admirer of DIAZ, and, secondly with

the real thing. In advancing this safe platitude I am far reservations a supporter of HUEETA, who might, she con-
from implying that fiction cannot find, in the monstrous ! tends, have pulled his country together but for the action

_*_ 1 'I'll* il T* 1 -W~T . -. r*i . i * -

system of chemical annihilation that we call war to-day, ' of the United States; while of course she is not slow to

something of the same
allure that it found when
war was a comparatively
bloodless and picturesque
affair of battleaxes or bell-
mouthed blunderbusses. At
any rate we may hope that
Captain AUSTIN will con-
tinue to see things through
the romantic spectacles j
which every good novelist
carries in his pocket, and
that his next sheaf of
stories will maintain the
excellence of his first.

COMBING OUT IN THE MIDDLE AGES.

Old Gentleman (who has just taken a (Jose of elixir to restore him tn
youth). "DASH IT! THIS STUFF MAY MAKE JIB LIABLE TO MILITARY
SERVICE. "

Mr. JACK LONDON wrote
Michael, Brother of Jerry
(MILLS AND BOON) for the
purpose of stirring up the
feelings of humane people
against the public perform-
ances of trained animals.
In a foreword he asks us
" to express our disapproval
of such a turn by getting up
from our seats and leaving the theatre for a breath of fresh
air." By such silent protests he considers that managers
will understand that these performances are unpopular, and
will remove them from their programmes. This then is
Mr. LONDON'S purpose, and a sound one without any doubt.
Michael, in the hands of his beloved master, Dag Daujlitnj,
sails the high seas and performs tricks from sheer love of
life and Ins master. But Dag, the dearest of old villains, had
stolen Michael, and in turn his idol is stolen from him. Then
iho painful incidents in Michael's career begin. Ho falls
into the hands of animal-trainers, who cannot find out the
wonderful trick he possesses, and treat him with abominable
jruelty. At last they discover it, and eventually he gets
sack to a more friendly atmosphere. But his cheerful spirit
s crushed, and no soberer dog ever stepped the face of
the earth. _ The author's sincerity and skill make this tale
of Michael's tortures intensely moving. When Mr. JACK
TENDON died, animals lost a very true friend and the world
of letters a spirited writer. And never again can I watch
i performance of trained animals.

expose the wiles and dupli-
cities of the ubiquitous
Teuton. Her remedy for
the condition of Mexico,
which, alas! (to use a word
of which the authoress is
distressingly fond) does not
hold much present promise
of civilised stability, would
seem to be some form of
advisory control, which
must by no means extend
to inclusion in the Union
by her great neighbour,
though she seems to have
half a hope that England
may take on the job in-
stead. Heaven forbid !

In her delightfully illustrated book, Mexico : From Diaz
o the Kaiser (HUTCHISON), Mrs. ALEC TWEEDIF, aiv<

ives us

personal study made by the light of her own experiences

Emily Trevor-Ward
was an ordinary pleasant
English girl, whom her
brother had invited to
South Africa for a holi-
day. While waiting his
arrival at Lourenyo Marques
she opens a telegram, addressed simply Trevor-Ward, to
find that it is for her brother, announcing the imminent
arrival of a lady who signs herself " Wife." As nobody
had supposed him married (as a matter of fact he was
not), and as the lady, when met by Emily, turned out to
combine every manifestation of the socially impossible, you
will perceive that Mrs. HOBACB TREMLETT'S latest story,
Emily Does Her Best (LANE), opens with a sufficiently
intriguing situation. I wish I could add that it continues
as well ; but the fact is that, while the setting and the side
issues are bright to brilliancy, the main problem of the
relationship between Jack Trevor-Ward and Pipsy (the
deplorable name of his alleged spouse) remains both
obscure and, to my old-fashioned taste, not quite what one
expects from an apparently harmless comedy of light-
hearted adventure. But all the rest is capital fun. There
are some excellently vivid scenes of life in the Portuguese
town during the early months of the War, a sufficiency
of espionage, and one admirably arranged surprise for a
startling finish. Mrs. TREMLETT writes evidently of things
she has known and seen, and with an infectious gaiety of
style that I should have enjoyed whole-heartedly had not
the plot of her tale kept me always a little out of ease. But
at least her freedom from convention is undeniable.

FKKliUAKY 20, HI IS.!

PUNCH, Oil TITH LONDON CHARtVMM

113

CHARIVARIA.

A( i OKIH.W fo a German peri,
the CROWN I'UI.NCE recently present! d
tho Captain of a particularly successful
U-boat with a gold watch and chain.
The report docs not say whose.

Tho CoAL-CoNTKOr.I.KIi is stilled to

<;ono down a coal-pit for the first
time last week. On emerging ho told a
reporter that he would have recognised
the stuff anywhere from tlie pictures

ho had seen of it.

* -:=

At a recent dance in a Sussex village
a young lady appeared
' Margarine." Nothing more
has been heard of the young
man who dis as a

"Ono-and-ni no-penny Rabbit."

There is a strong feeling in
the country that tho oppon-
ents of the Government should
make a clear statement of t heir
vendetta aims.

Tho police are repotted to
be looking for a well-dressed
man who was seen to deposit
a bunch of carrots on the door-
step of tho House of Commons
on Tuesday in Food-Surrender
Week.

A neutral correspondent re-
ports from Amsterdam that
Food-Surrender Week in the
Ukraine does not promise to
ho tho success that was antici-
pated by tho Huns.
* *
*

An exceptionally fine dia-
mond has been given to tho
Red Cross for the sale at
CHRISTIE'S. It is said to be
worth its weight in butter.

has been signed between Ger-
many and the Ukraine; tho Bolsheviks
have declared that Kussia is out of tho
\\'ar, and Mr. FUI-:IH:ICICK Mom;\N, of
Wellington, has captured a queon-w a>p.
What a week ! + ,.

Tho Ministry of Food is contem-
plating a further reduction in the
strength of whisky. While declining to
commit themselves on tho subject of
still further reductions they undertake
only in extreme circumstances
will they tamper with tho smell.

As a result of the epidemic of house-

paper it is strongly urged that retailers
of food and foi utes should bo

compelled to display announcements of
what they have in stock, and not, as
heretofore, of what they have not.

"There is nobody living in Ger-
many," layi Men- I'oi/nioKF, "who
strictly speaking has not earned im-
prisonment." Only consideration for
Mr. I;\M-;\\ M ACDONAI,[)'S feelings has
oted us from expressing similar

According to the Gorman pape,
Ukrainians wen greatly delighted with
tho way they were treated
by tho Gorman diplomats at
Brest-Litovsk. Indeed there
is some talk of having another
war just for the pleasure of
talking peace again.

A sensation was caused dur-
ing tho recent Food Hoarders'
armistice when an aged pork-
pio walked into a suburban
police station and gave itself up.

A NKVv WAR TERROR.

More Strong Language.
"General von L'iwonfcld, for
many years commander of tho corps
of Prussian Guards, hag been placed
on tho retired list, aged seventy.
For many years ho was the personal
favourite of tho Kaiser among tho
gilded popinjays of tho Berlin-Pots-
dam dam set." Daily Paper.

" In order to keep tho naval towns
purely naval, the Admiralty steadily
freeze out all other forms of indus-
trial activity, and especially dig-
courage or prohibit shipping. It
would never do, in normal times,
to have Plymouth Hoe choked with
merchant ships."

Bristol Times and Mirror.

Of course it wouldn't. There
would bo no room for the per-
ambulators.

Gloucestershire police declare that
the deserter who was found concealed
in a wardrobe in his mother's bedroom
would in all probability have escaped
detection if ho had not attempted to
allay suspicion by making a noise like
a musquash coat. He seems to have
heard the "Tinkle, tinkle" story.

According to Professor Airniru
KKITII, eating alters the human face.
For ourselves, we do not expect to
undergo any facial change for some

A dairyman lias been heavily lined

Iling milk containing fifty-six per

cent, of added w :iter. The defence that

the milk got there by accident was

abandoned.

breaking at Brentford several nervous
inhabitants now display on their garden
gates the notice, " No Hawkers. No
Circulars. No Burglars."

In connection with tho grampus
measuring nine feet in length which
appeared last week off Deal, we are
asked to say that some annoyance was
felt by tho local Volunteers because
they were not called out.

* '

A IXEUTER'S i s ihat two

Australians have motored from Fre-
mantle to Sydney, a distance of two
thousand eight hundred miles, in one
hundred and seventy hours. It is
supposed that they were in a hurry.

* *

In view of the serious shortage of j

Heading to a recent Army Council
Instruction :

" BOOTS. Steps to be taken to economise."
Knlrititr ambitlanAo.

RHONDDEL.
I WONDKB, have I dined to-day ?

My inner man would tell mo no,

And yet an hour or two ago
I had a dinner bill to pay.
Yes, I recall tho witty play

Of talk, the table white as snow
I wonder, have I dined to-day ?

My inner man would tell me no.
Only a Barmecide could say

How much to fancy's aid I owe.

Knough. Lord HnoNDDAwills itso;
But still my doubts will not away
1 wonder, have I dined to-day?

et.IV.

114

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [FEBRUARY 20. 1918.

THE SIMPLER LIFE,
n.

WILLIAM Rur-rs.

William Rufus is our pig. Why wo
called him that I do not know ; ho is
not red or even pink, but yollow. By
all the rules ho should have been bacon
Borne time ago. Apart, however, from
the firm hold he has obtained on our
allections he is far too valuable an
animal to think of killing. One hoars
sometimes of pigs being experts in
arithmetic or thought-reading or danc-
ing the minuet, but how many, I won-
der, even of those more gifted of their
kind, could catch a rabbit'? Very few,
I venture to assert. William Rufus's
bag for 'the past three months has
averaged a steady five per week. How
does he do it? I will tell you.

At one end of the paddock where we
allow him to range with Spearmint,
our donkey, there is a bank riddled
with rabbit-holes. Worming his way
cautiously along the hedge to the mouth
of one of these, William Rufus lies flat
on the ground, tucks his legs beneath
him and buries his head under a tuft
of grass. As his skin is almost devoid
of hair these are all the preparations
necessary to complete his impersona-
tion of a giant vegetable marrow. Thus
he lies, absolutely motionless, the only
trace of the excitement under which he
labours being a slight extra tightening
of his tail into two rings instead of its
customary one. Presently a rabbit
pops out, pops back, pops out again
and has a good stare at the succulent-
looking object. At this point a third
ring usually appears at the end of
William Rufus's tail.

Finally Bunny's mind is made up.
" Ha ! " he says, and goes greedily for-
ward. " Ha ! " replies William Rufus,
and grabs him by the neck. Then he
brings him to the back door, lays him
carefully on the mat and rejoins Spear-
mint. That is all. Simplicity itself, isn't
it? But genius lies in doing simple
things that no one else has thought of.

With mice he is equally successful.
In dealing with them he adopts the dis-
guise of a Stilton cheese, an effect pro-
duced by humping his back into a sort
of circle. He regards the mice as a
perquisite and keeps them for dessert.

But it is not merely as a game-
trapper that William Rufus excels.
Besides keeping an eye on the children,
to prevent their running across the
paddock into the wood, he never fails
to open the gate for them and to close
it securely behind them when they go
for their daily drives with Spearmint ;
and every evening at sunset he col-
lects our six fowls and directs them to
their roost. We have grown so accus-

tomed to him in his rdle of general odd-
jobber that when ho develops some
fresli activity, as ho is constantly doing,
it passes now almost unnoticed Yet I
confess 1 was a little surprised when, a
morning or two ago, I discovered that
ho had plaited tho litter in his sty into
a really artistic straw mat.

In one respect William Rufus is indis-
pensable. Every Sunday morning, while
we are away at church, Elizabeth bakes
us what she calls a war-cake. Why
she does this wo do not know; what
she puts into it we have never dared to
ask. Every Sunday afternoon it is on
the tea table. We accept it, as we have
accepted Elizabeth herself, as one of
tho horrors of war. But we never eat
it. As soon as the meal is over I stroll
casually out into a corner of the pad-
dock invisible from the kitchen window.
William Rufus is waiting for me there.
It seems more patriotic than burying
it, and apparently he does not mind
obliging me. Nor does his health
suffer; but I suppose a fellow who
can eat coal is proof against almost
anything. ________ =s

SENTIMENT FOR THE HALLS.

THERE were three persons in tho
room a short fat man, who sat close
beside the piano holding a note-book and
a stubby pencil; a tall thin man, who
occupied the music-stool and occasion-
ally touched the keys of the instrument
tentatively, much as an engineer might
test the working of his machine before
letting her go ; and a third man, both
fat and tall, who seemed to occupy the
position of general overseer. The three
had recently lunched, expensively, and
were now smoking very long cigars,
the smoke from which filled the room
fumes, one might say, of an industry
working at full blast.

The little man with tho note-book
had been writing in it for some minutes,
only pausing occasionally to moisten
the stubby pencil, which he contrived
to do rather cleverly without removing
his cigar.

" Now," he said at last, " how about
this ?

"The thought of you will keep mo true,

Though parted many a mile ;
I want no prize but your sweet eyes,
No booty but your smile."

The tall thin man stroked the piano,
and nodded approvingly. " Herrick at
his best," he observed.

"Eric who?" snapped the big-both-
ways man. "Dunno his stuff; but
anyhow that sounds the goods. Play
it.

On tho instant the tall thin man be-
came amazingly animated. He played
it. Probably other tenants of the
buildings may have cause to regret the

fact, since, once heard, it is practically
impossible to forgot it. That in this I
they are still a matter of some few weeks |
ahead of the rest of London may be a
consolation or may not.

" Yes," repeated the largo man

thoughtfully, "it sounds all Nol"

He became suddenly emphatic and ges-
ticulated with his cigar. " I know
there was something wrong. It 'a that
'smile' at the end. Too weak alto-
gether. Lets the thing right down.
Can't you manage to get more punch
into