Skip to main content

Full text of "Puppet show"

See other formats


This is a digital copy of a book that was preserved for generations on library shelves before it was carefully scanned by Google as part of a project 

to make the world's books discoverable online. 

It has survived long enough for the copyright to expire and the book to enter the public domain. A public domain book is one that was never subject 

to copyright or whose legal copyright term has expired. Whether a book is in the public domain may vary country to country. Public domain books 

are our gateways to the past, representing a wealth of history, culture and knowledge that's often difficult to discover. 

Marks, notations and other maiginalia present in the original volume will appear in this file - a reminder of this book's long journey from the 

publisher to a library and finally to you. 

Usage guidelines 

Google is proud to partner with libraries to digitize public domain materials and make them widely accessible. Public domain books belong to the 
public and we are merely their custodians. Nevertheless, this work is expensive, so in order to keep providing tliis resource, we liave taken steps to 
prevent abuse by commercial parties, including placing technical restrictions on automated querying. 
We also ask that you: 

+ Make non-commercial use of the files We designed Google Book Search for use by individuals, and we request that you use these files for 
personal, non-commercial purposes. 

+ Refrain fivm automated querying Do not send automated queries of any sort to Google's system: If you are conducting research on machine 
translation, optical character recognition or other areas where access to a large amount of text is helpful, please contact us. We encourage the 
use of public domain materials for these purposes and may be able to help. 

+ Maintain attributionTht GoogXt "watermark" you see on each file is essential for in forming people about this project and helping them find 
additional materials through Google Book Search. Please do not remove it. 

+ Keep it legal Whatever your use, remember that you are responsible for ensuring that what you are doing is legal. Do not assume that just 
because we believe a book is in the public domain for users in the United States, that the work is also in the public domain for users in other 
countries. Whether a book is still in copyright varies from country to country, and we can't offer guidance on whether any specific use of 
any specific book is allowed. Please do not assume that a book's appearance in Google Book Search means it can be used in any manner 
anywhere in the world. Copyright infringement liabili^ can be quite severe. 

About Google Book Search 

Google's mission is to organize the world's information and to make it universally accessible and useful. Google Book Search helps readers 
discover the world's books while helping authors and publishers reach new audiences. You can search through the full text of this book on the web 

at |http: //books .google .com/I 


^©a,ium:s nn. 





.~P 3xg.^ (a.) 



kind friends, the First Tolome of the 
■sea, and, spite of the severe 
to & conclusion, tliat, like all 


Disregar^ag the prognostications of t 
Fufpet-Show boldly stood i^ in a dnijl d ovtrtmee in 
laws of England, -was not wiAont a Seowi — which i 
others in its pages, ma <£ QMoe oxoctiw*. 

I hare been iii iiiiij of btinf IM hitter; hat I wan so eoljr when the bitterness was 
deserved. As a protrf Act I mk pMB«Mai of ^ iM|l« pacti^ «f tha milk of human kindness. 
I will proceed to aJmiMMrtir sdbh, is A» riH^e cf good idnce, to ^a. As a mere in&nt in 
Wisdom, you may poHsibly be much benefited l^ it. 

An old proverb tells us, that Truth is to b« fiaood >t tbe bottom of a vrell;— but that is 
not the only place she inhabits, as a pemsal of tlie pages of tlie Pupfet-Show in general, and the 
present one in particular— not so called because jou &ive a gratis copy sent you — viili prore. 

In spite of her traditionary place of abode. Truth is not, as sone quibblers might pretend, 
invariably welcome; but that shall not hinder my words from being m plain as your own fkce, and 
as unvamished as your patent-leather boots, after you bad been fitted oat of the sea, on the occasion 
of your unmemorable descent in Boulogne, and the estimation of eveiy man of any sense. 

You may think it nnkind that I rendad you of these facta, but I do it for your good; I 
only wish I could re-mind you altogether, far then there might be some chance of a good judgment 
bei g passed upon you. 

But I am afraid your case is bopclaas, and tbe best proof is, that you would never have 
proposed yourself for President, had you (ttty (i*en a thought to the difficulties of that post — it is 
true, however, that you cannot give what you have aot got. 

You are seated upon a. loitv height. 1 do not advise you not to become giddy, as yon hare 
been a giddy sort of young man all your life. I will mwdy observe, that clouds and mist often 
surround the mountain peak when all bekw is tiear ami serene. The Red Bepublicans, the 
Legitimists, the Socialists, and others, will be your mist and v^urs, as you will soon discover. How 
unlucky they are not like youraelf— for if you were to disappear to-morrow, you would never be mist. 

You have already received your first check ; your ticket — to walk— will speedily follow. 

The idea that you will ever remain a stopper — (for the space of four years) — in the great bottle 
which contains those ardent spirits, the French people, ia an absurdity. 

Before the time assigned for the duration of your office bo expired, you will either be drawn out 
— Kod your incapacity exposed— or else popped off, like a ginger-beer cork, or Gustavus III. — which last 
is not at all unlikely. 

As, however, you will not believe me alone, wait until your first speech tuts been submitted to 
the Chamber, and you will then see how you will be caught up, to be immediately afterwards put down. 

If your eyes are then opened, you will see that there remains but one way which you can take 
to prevent your being ultimately kicked out of the country. 

That way, which I would recommend you to take without delay, is the way that leads to tbe firontter. 
I remain, yonr Obedient Servant, 


ABrLLor thr Pu>, 


A Btkck Look-Dui, flS. 

A Bods ftir ihe Pnn«tiaaiM>, US. 

Abortln Allmpl ■■ SdldSpaodliD- 

maa, 1S3. 
A Bnvc Ctunctn-, Mt. 
Abmid Euaw, BB; Huisil Bo- 

meuT, 133 ; QiuitigD, 73 1 Thcwy, 

A Cue in 

Addpia C 

A DobiDoi CluneUr, 45. 
AdfBlbai ETtnonliaarT, U.~ 
Adriea U Buhfiil Yaang l[*o, 

CosipiiTuao, 14 

A Fmisn Hiir«> A 

Agv of BcOnOBait, b*. 
A a«l.(o U Cunbridp, lUL 
Alumiag Condiliun of Toumbnu 
Cnat^Md, ML 

An AUMk on ihs Poliee, 139. 
Ab Bunlf Wind bli^dn« the 
Iiufa Plka Crop, '" 

A BMf SoMeat. IW 
AlchilietaTU, 130. 

"^rma ptrvvifvf cww^' 41. 

A SuiUlT MoTCDKDt, 131. 

A Sunntiae AitRnuMKr, S2. 
A Snob'i BpiUph, 141. 
A Spedflc RfqiKn. 81. 
Aj Run H ■ Plkeuiff, «3. 
A SamUjr on Ihe Tbunei, 7S. 
A Swell of Iha ilrsi Waler, 7a 
A TtHKh of ihe Sublime ud Sh 

i Very Frea AdouBion, 4. 
LToictfrom the Cinwd on Entign- 
don. OA ; on Lord HiyoT'i D«7. 

A's» and TJln, 1S3; RecUa 

BiD FocinuTiav, M; Hciri,4a. 
Bttch of Wuli. 34. 
Bem Hoade. Ilie, tt. 
Beg(ulf Ftldc, ai. 

I Mmblj. 81. 
Boezd ud Lodghigi. 130. 
I BloodhouBd for S^, 44. 
[BonlngnePilH, 38. 
'Bow Street Joke. 13. 
Briton'* B«rt Binhrigbt— Trill bj, 

'BmirD E]m,vbich tppatrj (!) u| 

if hii Whliken hid been )b«nd 

oS,' 14. 

Bulwcc Cm LMnbutvJlM. 

CtBiHiT Tout. M). 
Cu^bell on Smloh B(|0«7, M. 
Cbhu of CrkidiB, lOS. 
Cudng Purl befon Sirine, 119. 
Cuholic EmiDcipatiDn, BS. 
Cinght U U«, 33. 1 
CeuH ind ESeel, 18. 
Ciniion to Enl-miBded Powsi, ' 
ChiRiit CoonMlDBi. 00; "On 

TrM." S7 ; Triib, 44. 
Cheap OmBto lie Sadf ' 
Cholen, Tha,M, 76; Con tot lb*, 

CaniMMi Fnttahte^ IM, 
Clnruct SfUeiB in Inliud, Sii 
CloK afibe Pobbs QKdmn, O. 

*, IV, 7Bj Ti«rt 

41, 411, M, lS!l,_I4e, 

CoDKcnlad n^di, 34. 
Contnct* for Snmidnli, M. 
Cnet-IUten, 39. 
Cruwbin lad Comneti, BH. 
CaSn Ihe CinniAooiu, el. 
Cupid md the Coqurtle, M. 
Curioiu DiK<iTei7, 38; Fact, 1»; 

Seaectian, IIU. 

ur-luj cf the Sfoitdanl, M. 

DeeiMflotod IiijaiT, B4, 
Delifleld'i Higtiificeni Smd, 33. 
Deeirible MetnipolitiD ImproT^ 

Diicrediufale Trick, 83. 

Diihortcaing Pn>^>ec1>, 38. 

" Docior Birch ud hie Yooitg 

Frimdi,- Ifll 
I>Dobtful Fnlemit]', 107. 

DiioB'e Box, 80, 79, 91, 101, 110, 

131, 111, ise, lag. 

EOecu Df u IndiecR 

Egs.dan liid AbenidilT, 18. 
"-imiinq, 108. 

lUih UoepiuUty, 81 

Eitniigul Duign, ». 

Fid ind FictiBD, 60. 

Fun iboot Lendon Ijtt, ISO. 

Fain RuiDoun Jrom the Hunfiu 

IDiufi DiaUisU, 7a. 
Fuey, Th« 

Fuhionible Moti 

Fkit WriMT in the nawi, M 

Fuher TbHsei'i Libmdii ' 

Ferosioia Coniloct. J6. 

Pew Wordi nn Qiiowtitot, i 

FortDiutB SpectdiMti, 4rl , 
Foreign Invuiiui, 34. 
Fond, A Venliet of Swlly •, 

>r KBatuD-.— JJe. HI. 

Qenenil Rib for Poor Peepli, Ul 
aiTe Merit iu Dot, 7A 
Uood Nen, 149 ; BaMoo, 31 ; Se 
enHf. W. 

iLunePIsi, 73. 

Leteil hum the Ceneaim, 8; Cunlj. 
I neDt,8; UigUude, SS. 
le Lilm Ntwi from our Bcilia Coi 

I ipoiuteDl. 139. 
m Legal IntelligsDce, 141 ; LiUnn 1 

Iflligeace, 140 ; Biull«r, 13. 
». £'£i>hifTU <fii CAaic, 71. 

Letter bom N^nleoa BaauBtt to 
LouiiNipoleao.73; fromlandai, 
by 1 Oud* N^ouile, SO. 
Libortj, EqiuUiy, FnMcnUf, 180. 
Uocidn Green, SO. 

LinofNewFuDiti, 30; Now Pub- 

licUioni, 40. 
Litciiry ud Ffarbwiphici]. ISO; 

OrecDwicii Fob OallnffT, U. 
ipowdir WMiH.the Minar, 4). 

Lord BlleioKn aai < 

Loub Mapolean fbr Fnuki^ IM. 
U 'Nmilt TMrnMHtu, The, 73. 

Meilicil Eduatian, 104 ; BmUL, 74; 

Opiaion, 40. 
Hann-ora ViJa4Jc^;tattnbiie, 133. 
MennntioD maile £uy, 91. 
UeknpoUiu ImpiVTiaiuli, U 


IT, 13. 

r, IS3. 

■ydee! ! '. Iti FoetpoBeneat. ladili 

ConiequeiiDe, 100. 

Hm '■ lo the Trmpi of An Oude 

Nitiaode," 84. 
High Art, 1S4 ; «ird Low An, UA 
"Igfa Life below Sttnn, 14. 

ie^y Pnibible. 89 ^ IJngr^nMi. 

cil, butilriclly Tub, IM. 
Uiut,8; A DooMul, 10; For AnieU. 

11 ; To Napoleon ihe Littie, 100; 

ToFlcIenden, 130. 

lau an Adreninsf, 78; To Muri- 
el] Critia, 130. 
HoggLHunling, 86. 
BaldyDUrBrTUh,9B; Hig.IIO. 
HoDoonble Economy, 6. 

ut laielliEence, 33; to Sight. 

I, IDA. 

[mpodenl Fnod, 113; Inquiry, I A 
Inftmoiu Hou, 09, 

Ifiser; of lha Nunc if " Bailk, 
"iitikm NoliKDi, 110. 

odaru " Buq)*!!**,' M. 

OB did you enn, 133: HhAi, 

las ; Polioe Bmtilily, lA 
Uoumnil Billad. SO. 
Mr. John O'Connril Ridfint, I 
Mi. O'ConBor'i Spocoh on U> fti. 

[r. O Dei'i VUt M Inlnd, 38. 
[r. Stnii Rrtrei' Lul Medical Cer. 
lifleUe, 101. 
[anul ReTDlulioni, III. 
Myileiy Unntelkd, 39. 

loH Piar mil P>t»: 

Nujond Auembly end Ita Ti 

NeedlHt Obeer^ilina, 49. 
"■ -■ .notion, 8i. 

of Self. Defence, 13. 
Northern Econoioio, 140. 

n npon Doncuter Ricei, 90. 
No ThDrougtiriie, 71. 
Notire, 13. 
No Ulle to Roped, lOS. 


theWi , 
Ireland igricoltunlly considered, 49. 
Iriih Muhcmiiici, SO ; Tiiili, S4. 
' heMid,«0. 

lopiKr iu)dding, ISA. 
KHOWiMa Dotnt, IS. 

Oh, Munmnn I Hunm 
Open EnTclope, ]U. 
Organic Affitciino of the 

Paddi • Win 

Pinoni, Din, F»er. ind Baidde, H. 
Fuun bum ■ Cocknci Ddd Jutn, 

Put d>7, es. 

Pcmiluu Pcixoa, 15. 

Poiiu Tils, 74. 

Pclition of Iha Sboitmiii nid hi> 

Conbibiilon lo Mr. Doaglu Jer- 

Pbilipa, Mr. Angosliu, A F«v Fu- 

Mge, in chfl life of, 90, 30, 40, 

48, SB. S8, 80. 
Ptukiophj of ID Empty BoUlc, lU. 
KOnritl H<ui»l NnUlioD, SO. 
Plcton of Diilnu, 40. 

piHi tKD NiiDLii, s, 
u, it, M, 7«, sa, at, io«, lit, 

1M, IM, 14J, ISJ. 
Plcuum uf ft CoudU; LiTe, la. 

BS,BS, 118. 13S.13S, I4S, ISS. 
Pdicmuig ud TaapEritim, 4A ; Mb- 

Pulice Rcwnt^-WcUingtoD Street, 82. 
Politia] OiMlifte 5(ii(^i^c, 60. 
Politi«i.Ecaiomicml Hint, B3. 
■■ Poor litU* Ting," IM. 
Populir Fnoch Logic, 134. 
Populuitj o( lbs pDrriT.SHi>w, 13. 
Ptnilin ud CompanitiTC, 101. 
PowCTofthepRu, 110. 
Prince Albeit! Binhdij, 6. 
Problem, 1!B. 
Prorooad ObKirUion, ISO. 
ProgT«SB tor our 

IK, The, Biltenea, TO. 

Red Bepiiblicmn, 44. 

Refomi TOUT Tuloi'i BiHi. 31. 

Kemov&l of the Quidrmal, 109. 

BeprcbEouble CoudiK^t, 110. 

Reierie of ibe New Pmideiit, 143. 


Riddle* for Albert Smitb, 3. 

Ring, Tbe, AT. 

ItiToIa to CaScj. S4. I 

Eabel., SI. 
Uolalorr PmliuiKDt, SB. 
Itov-in.LondoD. AS. | 

Rural PiiTBry in the Hi^dmndt, ST. | 
" ifol PiTHaiw r« Sale, 130- I' 

St. P*ni.'i CiTHiomu, M. 

Ssfetf Buon, 143. | 

Silt-pelK, 18. ■: 

"--liUrrUeuoTH, M. 

'age libel, !». I 

iger ud ETana e. Cniikib>nk,9P. 

3es^Serpei)t,Tbe, 183 ; A Pew Wordi 
■boot Ibe, es 1 QreU, 79. 

Secret Conipintora, IBS. 

" — ■— '—-lily, BB; Contr»di< 

Bill," ; 



" PnigrCM" Principle., 94, 104. 
Prologoc ID tbe HalCji 
uce> in Ibe rnrriT 
Promenade Concert!, B 
Proper (and sometime! t 
' Namea, 1S4. 

Queens Relum liom Smtlatid, »2; 

Train, 54 ; Viiil to Scotland. SB. 
Qusition in Pnc ica] Pbilcnopby.a 
QuKtroDa fnna Coiretpoadenis, 33 

[THifitic, lOI; F 
of Gntitude, 134. 

U. eUen Conducl, 133. 

SupeHalive CompanliTe 

SupplemetilMT Hinti uoax EliqaetU 

for Fan Men, SJ. 
Sjrllogiim Ibr the Scqiiiaal, Of. 

To Cluddita, e& 

To CouiiiniHDiMTt, 14, S9, 

To Engliib Keporten nidog b 

no much lo tie bme, \S». 

BMden and [Oianfcn} 

II ObwiTen,-41, 


Seea of Aaai^ and Ban^, 43 
SargEtat Adama ud Lord A. B 

Tbe Black Serpentine, 148. 

The Bloodthiraty Repablic, 09. 

Tbe Boy FllzwtUiam, 115. 

Tbe Brougbam Wbip|nngUfi, SO. 

Tbe Bnunougmi Napoleon, TO. 

Tbe Certified Panper, 133. 
,Tba Cbarlea Dickeoa of tbe' Oeean, 
I Its. DHsnABDaD AoMiaai . 

Tbe Clei]{jmu and the Bad Halt Vnpoelic Hedilationa, 135. 

cnnrn. Si. | Urqnhart and Anatey, "^ 

,Tbe Cockney Larei*! Setenade, 14B. 
' The Cook ■ Guoked,' SB, 
iTbe Dance of Detlh, 115. 

Tbe Dream of tbe Harreitlunia, 5. 
To Eoadl, 19. 
To the Author of "Model Hen md 

To Ibe Electon of Yoi^ial, 94. 
To the SBOWHan, 103. 
Touching, 7S: Ballad, 31; Soc 

Oeology, 31. 
Toy for Oa Prtai, 07. 
Treaam Mattel, OB. 



4K HliI>tU,*B9. 
Vanhy Fair. B5. 
Vana Hmw Paltaera, 147. 
Terj F aatidiuiii.Si "NuanV ' 
Probable. 140 1 8b(H!kii«,9i Ud»- 

Sharp Work. BS. 

Shocking Ignorance, 08 1 Ingrraliludi 

154; Inaluce of VoulLfiJ Deprtt- 

vily, la. 

lowHiiH a Diauliiog Views, S( 

37; Speech. 32; Tnicis for th 

People, 8, 13. 03; Viiil to th 

Wjballo, 44. 
Singularly appropriate, 48. 
Slight Muleke, M. 
Small Debt) Ad, 33. 
''imither'a Laat [aa we hope], 119. 
;miih O'Biien a Poei, 114; Hi 

Poetrr, 05. 
loobbiiii Marriage, 00. 
Snobbinn in Mourning. 58. 
Social Ailoifli, 53; Sketch by fie 

rami, I3S. 
So may yon, 50. 
So much for Buckingtam, CB. 
Sordid Motiiei. 3. 
Soicreign Kemcdiei. 33. 
Sporting Intelligence, 19. 
Spread DfCatholiciim, 86.? 
Staoi DicTioHAM. BS, 108. 118. 

138, 140, 150, 130. 
Steam-boat Table Talk, ISO. 
•■Stop Thief," 137. 
Strasgo Anomaly, 13; but True, B3i 

Moderation, 44. 
Stopid Anecdote, 58 ; Inault, 13a 


.Fonetie Nuz," 156. 
The Frog and the Oi. 117. 
The Oame of Oooae, 141. 

The Good ud tbe Bad Put, 108, - naiT a UTTLa uin 

" Tbe Good Old Timm," 71. Waraiog for Young L 

The Great Land Serpent, 80, 87. Wrigfata ud MeaHira 

The Hiddioiic Nun, 154. What doei he ntewi, I 

Tbe Idiot Emperor. 75- What hai become cf the Hintatiy, 9a 

The JeaaiH again, 88. : What ia Ibe Meu' 

The Lawyer'a Bill, 144. | What may and m 
The Lord of Dnndniin. 81. Sunday, 66. 

The Mouey.wonhippen ; or, The'Wbal neit, I4B. 

I PnTerofthaModKTii.95. Wbalafit.l3B. 

TheNewElectriBDght,15T. j " Where are Yon a.ShoTiDg to,* IIB. 

lThe"Peari ofDay^"6», ] Whew ia the French BejaAlie, 14t 

TheRnkofPoliletien,110. i Whig Political Poneluadon, 134. 
"The Pope] he leada a happy life,* Whirling Witdom, 33. 

Quaitetly b 


;Tbe Pope in a new Character. lOS. 
!Tbe PaiKl lo be conddend, 73. 
I Tbe Premier* Viail lo Ireland, 4. 
JTbe Preudenl'i Menage, 15B. 
.The Prophetic Dodge. 105. 

To Raikoad Contnctori ud olhen. _ . _ 
I 74. With a Book, 

.The Reactionary MoTement, 114. iWbo E^ta 
iThe Bight Vmion, BO. ! GazeUi,te. 

rberi'<uiBndDnF0tism,I13. iWho' ~ 

The (Toejiod-jbealing Art, IBl. 

The Tower. HamleU Dogberry, 85. 

The Triumph of Lotb, 105. 

The Two Barrya, 199. 

— Two Caainoi, OS. 

WUuington Slt^tug, T4, »4, 104, 

" Wiaa Liwa and Modem InatancM^' 


r, 11. 

■a; tJiuled terlM 

leOer. II. 

Who'ilbeWiniKT. 17. 
Who writs all the Booka.'sa. 
Word and Deed, 40. 
Woik for Mr. CDchrue, 109: 

Sotgect lilerally u Di 

18 L 

I ZoouMioaL ConramlloB, M> 


OlOS more die rapid, fleeting jear 

Has brought old Christmas to the door ; 
Ccme, let tia treat him «ith snch cheer 

A» folk ifere wont in days of yore; _ 
When bui^her grave and belted knight. 

And cottage-maid and lady fair. 
Obeyed the old, familiar Bprite, 

And, at his bidding, baai^ied Care — 
That sullen, BuAy, meluaholy wight. 

Let 's hang from beoju, all hUck irith time. 

The DnstJetoe's insidiona boash, 
'Neath which, as little birds witblime, 

Yoon^ girls are snared, " They kaow not how- 
" The homa thing — they never thought 

" It half so nea^-for if they had, 
" 'T ia certain they had not been caught— 

" On that rely — it was too bod, 
" And not at all tiehaving as one ought. " 

And, that it may bum dear and bright. 
Cast in it every base desire, 

All envy, hatred, vengeance, apile ; 
B^va me, the event will show 

By actine in this way yoa H gain — 
For you will uel a genial glow 

Dance through each gladly-swelling vein. 
And onwards to your very heart's core go. 

Brin^too, the sparkling waasail bowl. 

That jolly Chriatmaa holds so dear. 
And if you 'd have it warm your aoul — 

Tlie mind as well as body cheer — 
Amid the wine and spirit pour 

The UesaingB from some humble roof ; 
A little Chantj is sura 

T9 call them forth: in sober truth, 
They 11 give Iha ^ught one matohlew flavour m<H«. 

id you, f 
Who I 

ir Sovereign of this iaie, 
_o love to deck the Christmas tree. 
So that the massv, regal pile 

Reeound nith mirth and jollity. 
Remember that the Meta with new 

Stimgih thrives, if pruned with carehl hand ; 
Then trim your Christmas sapling, too. 

And to the Poor throughout dte Iwd 
Send of the shoots thus lopped away a few. 

The WUgt will make many blunders. 
A Dew weekly newfpeper will he started. 
iWy Idne will be " to let." 
Jaaea will publish fi%-two norek 
Lord Brougham will m^e nnnwroas speecbeB in the House et 

The Chartists will not hold a monster meeting. 

Whas yon bear Jimn at the door, hi tha aet rf bdof JBdcmed 
that jon are not at bonu^ danotlookoot of the window nnUl Janii 

hasMd tone to torn the comei into tbe next •treei^othMwiiaJoBei 
might catch a gUmpM which woold lead him to imbibe ■ 
decogatOTj to tbe spotJesa caodonr of year amiabla r"- '— 

Wben Jones lend* ycm. oi 

wet night, an nmbrella, which von 

'" '"~ "" '*" iMeetrfmnbTBilas 

uiink of hii own. 

loae the next day, beoareftd DOtlobringnpthesnUeetcf mnbrellas 
ta Jovm'b preKDe^ othowije he wonklbe apt to " ' 

which, as he is never destined to get it, waud fin 

painAil and taotaiinng in the last degree. 

a When are Cheap 3hirt-d«alen likerats! 
A. When thcf et dtm Ike Smtri. 


of any trifling inconvenience from a thaw of the preeflit oar, we 
onght to be gratebl that we do not live in tbe tones of Mir Saxon 
(bre&tber^ who, as it is well known, nied to havB 4 Tlur all tbe 

Dibit Quibble.— An American detractor of Boyalty, reftf- 
riiw to tbe bet that England never pcweised a king oF the name of 
Robert, cAnrres, that tbii [daialy provai that tbe whole weeiMion 
is not worth a "Bob." 


Tbe StewHiN, M a lover d" nature, is Borry to obaove tM tbe 
dtffirence Ictween the kxM is grsdnallj disappearing, and that 
there will soon be no diitincUve nurks hj wMch to recognias a lady 

our paitlBlt and onr shirt-fronte ; now they are taking oor Joia- 
villes, while many of them are getting into oor now-booti ; and il 
not stopped, will soon deprive us of those blocho^ wldeh have 
hitbsrto DM* bodied opon as essentially the attribute* of man. In 
the boose they wear oor slippers, and even tb«r wra^ers are 
nothing lees tlun dreuing-sonns, onder a fictitious name. 

Tbe men have, cCTtain^, in many cases, adopted the female 
boot, the female gkive, and tbe female mmc/iBtr (pocket-faaodker- 
chiefs can not be female) ; but then thej have been obliged to do il 
in self-defence. That is tbe reason why some men go so for as tc 
wear stays, and patronise onrl papers. We know how it would 
have been in another jear if we had not interfered. No one would 
have known lehal to ask to danoe, what to gire betfmti to, lekal, 
m toK, topropose ta We call upon the MfeB, for tbeir own eakea, 
to drc^ tbe pdiiat, abandon the Jomvilles, sink tbe shiit-flnm^ 
nnd resign the blocher which even now is excitii^ thor envy. 
Otherwiee, we swear we will ose our mflnenoe with Mr. Paul Bed- 
ford, and induce him to walk every dsv down Begent Street in m 
el^iut bomiel, and a drees with a doable skirt. 

Last /one, tbe Commissioners oT Woods toi Fwesti, b^ 
less ohary than usual of measures fla' the public accommodatioa 
ordered several hundred chairs to be pbMKd m the different parka 

OoveanuEKT EuioRjiTtoN Bill. — Hiniaterg charge^tbetf 
selves with' carrring out its jnwirions, as well as tbe enugrsnl 
with thdr proriiions, charging tbe nation with the ezpea**. 



WevoQld jmblkh B list, botresll; tbeplBCeaoFthnsirarthj'IadiM 
and ^ntlemen leem ao very insecure, that the 4re«d of having to 
keep issning freeh batches of errata — saj once a fortnight, in order 
to preeerre oar readers on amrani of the nui of events— indocea as 
to abstun from bannji; aDjtbing to do iritb this — oiioe Bcldom 
■Itoed— part of almanDcLs. 

'Dr. Birch and his Yonnj; Friends" vill ocUpM "The Kannted 
Uan or the Ghost's Bargain." 1^ ecUpse will be viiibk in 

A Gooik-Club in Long Acre will eolipee 
the WHiTTINaTOK,_ in point of the protpenty 
and intelligence of its members. 

The Ectipn polka erer; night. Andible at 
the Ca»nD. first contact with tlie comet, 
lOh, fim.: middle of the Bclipu, lOh. 10m.: 
eontAct with the piee«h, IDh. I2m,: Ust con- 
tact with the comet, lOh. Hm.: the EcUpte 
ends at lOh. 19m., in kej E flat and tempe 


Partial eclipse of the Sun Iw the Lch- 
dcn TtUgraph. Bef[ins immediateh oiler 
the French Bevolction, and ends with the 
election of General Camgnac. 

Total eclipse of the Mm in thr Mam. 
Visible in the cnts, and also in the letter- 


Nev at five minntes to .'.... S 
First qnarter at three minntes to . .0 

Full at » 

Last qnarter at two minntes ptut . . S 

When a Jriend from Bayswater is 
invited to dine with a Irtend at Ken- 
sington, and arrives twen^-five mi- 
iiutes too late, there is a diiWnce of 
twentj-fire minntes between the time 
of Kensington uid that of Bajs- 

At Cbelsea. — High water, when the kitchens are inundated. 
Low water, when tbej are onlj damp. 

At Margate. — High water, when pnsaengers ntnoot land 
at the jettj. Low vat«r, when the; cannot land at the pier. 
Birtningluuii . 

' ' I These places beinff inland, the time at 

I which it is high water at each of them maj 

y be ca1cnhit«d t^ snlitracting something from 

I nothing, and dividing ttw reraaindfir bj 


Sloke Piwa 
Bullock Smitbj 


The longest daj is that on which yonr IKend 
reads joa a five act tragedy. 

The shortest day is that on which yon read a 
five act tragedy to yonr fHend, 

A box of sandwiches and a bottle of ale. 
A pennv loaf, with a saveloy stuck in the 
centre, and a flask of brandy. 

Hard eggs and a Captain's biscoit. 
Pork pies. 


ITie dividend* from tbe pofiU of /nreW i Maga^n^ vn, aS 


These holidays—and we talk of them rather in refertnoe to tbe 
clerks than the pnblie— fiill opon the days w which one or mere rf 
the former send a note or no(«s to the place of bosineM iritfa tbe 
tidings that he or tb^ are lud np with severe inflaautL, ■ftenraida 
proc«ding to pass the afternoon at Qreenwieh. 

In merchants' offices holidays are kept so closely, 'that no one 
can get tiiem at all. 

On the morning' papers tbere are holidays on Saturdays wbes 
the empleyii write hborioos artichs for the weekly presa. 

At le^Umate theatres there are holidays nearly all tlieye«r. 

After apanic, there are many holidiqrs in nulway offices. 
ltf.B, During Christnustune.tlie dinars all hdly-days.] 

Laelui, pimtr, and replevin, ore law terms. 

Great-go and little-go are University terms. 

We had prepared a fiill and complete list of bonkers, when we 
received a requisition of the Whittington Clnh requesting a hst of 
pawnbrokCTB in^ead. We have great pleasure in not oomiJying 
with tbe requeet. 

The most evident army agents that we know of ore recruiting 
Serjeants. Apply at the nearest . — 


Under the name of " Crimpa," 
aboand at Portsmouth and Ply- 
mouth, where you can go and in- 
goure for them, without any other 
fonnolity than the payment of the 
ndlway feres to those places. ^,^ 

It is not to the cnstnns of the Govenunmt officers, so much as 
to thrar manners, that travdlen< object The eostoras of Old Eng- 
buid (as adopted 1^ Young England) appear to have been omeDy 


A bladt eye or a Woody now is a valid stwnp, maiking the 
aeeeptation of a blow. 

Hair braihed from the forehead, and a tnm-down collar, are not 
valid stamps of genios. 

A loud stomp on the floor is anyUilng but a stamp marking the 
receipt by yonr wife of a " love of a velvet cape." 

SpoiledStamps.— If Jowjih Ady has put his name to a bill, 
no allawsnce is made lor the spoiled stamp. 


Having to take it np. 



Tbere U a general BTenion to par 

whai they do ao, ore porticalartj obU| 

There are a great manj taxes oonnected 
with cabs : that, Tor imtaiice, ofhttniig to 
drive a fiiend abool. 

The Ux on wiga is that of hanug to 
convince jaar Bneads tliat thej are really 
"gentlemen's real heads of hair." 

Taxes on vbdowg are veij abeard, as ^- 
ereiy man, unless he is blind, can see § 
nch them. StrangethstlighttaxaUon "^ 
Id be «o TBTj heaty ! njium 

£ven the premier cannot escape duty, and is c( 
to a tax (attacks). 


12 Dull men = 

8 Bleckhcads = 

10 Donkm = 

16 Qaod-lur-nDthing Iiunibu^^s = 

toxei; bat maoy penoni. 

1 Dookev. 

I Oood-tor-DDtliing hambag. 

1 Whig Cabinet. 


Two Addphi authors 
Efe^K^inuch elang 

1 Adelphi anthor. 
ETcr-Bo-miioh elung. 
1 Aileiphi hit. 


3 Drops or brandy in the 

finenoon = 1 Bottle of wii 

9 Bottlea of vine at dinner = I Go of grog i 

4 Goes of gnig afler aupper = I Fine of five s 

Two {Muts of bottled ale make one pbt of dnuight ale. 

Fourteen wine gtasaes make one quart. 
Seren trine gla^ make one quart bottle. 

Two drains make one pull at the pewter. 
Three pulls at Ibc pewter mates one swig at the Ci 
Four swigs at thn can make one gallon. 

ceof stamp ... ... ... 3b. 8d. 

) to witness „. ,„ ,., A pot of beer. 


Ditto, in difScnlties ..'.'.'.'.'..'. 
To a tradesman 

Ditto, in difficulties 

To a ([entleman 

Ditto, Yen hard-up 

Ditto, wiu moustache, red vraistcoBt, false^ 
teeth, "gentleman's real head of hair," V 
and a love of billiards J 

nest and indastrioas young man, but without) 

eipectations / 

4 pereenL 
6 per cent. 
6 per cent. 
Is percent 
SO percent 
60 percent 

100 per cent 

Market not 


Tbeman who drinki a pint of porter per day would, ifhesaTed 
twopence, have ' ' " ' "' ' ' 

five hniidred tracts . , 

The man who tntokes 
woold, if he saved the mooey, possess enough at the end of the jeAf 
t« boy a small cabbage gardea of his own. 

In the course of one twelvemonth there is 

re money spent in strawberry ice alone 
than would sen'e to teach the Church Cate- 
chism to all the Binnan Empire. 

During the London season every lady, on ' 
on average, spends ten times as mush money 
on gloves, for sinbl balls and theatres, as 
would suffice to purchase all the sermons of 
the Bev. Baptist Noel 

There is more money spent in London in 
ux hours on pomstom olooe than would wi 
•Sbrd the means of converting theWang Fum 
Islanders to the Ikith of the Sidependent Howlers. 

To a man who take« cabmen's numbers, 6d. per mile. 
To on ordinary person, li. per mile. 
To a person in a dreadful hurry, li. 6d. per mile. 
To a medical stod^t, who rides on the box, and chaSi the 
driver, U. Od. per mite (very cheap). 
To a foreigner, ii. per mile. 
To a British tar, St. 6il. p% mile- 
Ditto, m liqoor, or with three ladies, St. per mile. 


ir the Italian Operas — A three vidome novel to read between 

X the Promenade Concerls— Cotttm to stop the ears. 
For the Haymarket — A night-cap. 
For the Princess' s, when opera is not pl^red 
— A cup of coflbe very strong. 

For the Lyceum — A syncretic who does 
Dot believe in the guaii illegitimate drams. 

For the Adelplii — A cambric hondkercluef 
in the beginning of the evening, and two friends 
to hold your sides at the end. 

At the Smrej and Victoria — A basin to 
receive your tears during tiie larce, and a 
■"""*■"■ number of Panch to keep you from laughing 
Lg the tragedj. 
lI the Heogte, Holbert Saloon, &c. — A smelling bottle. 

Q. Why ought meat to be only half cooked. 
^. Becatise what's da» cannot be helped, 

ExRiBiTioN or THB RoTAL AcADEMT.— -New Work published 
n the art of "paintin|( without smelL" This iatlie second of th^r 


JANUABT.— Bathi and Wailihoiues fi>r the Laboorbv CIoom. 

Eplph. II diT 


- - Eplph! 
Ozfd. Tu.bag. 



abm. iBd.i;gs 



Pal. Rn. 


in fnetian coat, lo keep tha cold awaj . ^ 
Yet did he qoske, while Dinch he Btrore to quell 

Rii feuB i lor water filled him with disiiuj, 
Aod he waa nmnb'd when he had cast awa; 

The niQBt; nnnenta he had need of old, 
And eke his hmcher^ irani thll nunj a daj. 
Then did he hlaw his nose, for he 'd a oald. 
And loathing much, into Uie Btreme he rolled. 

Cbeaf ^aieb axd Wabbhousbb.— I . 

means of which the poor man may be thoronghl; 

washed without being comptctelj "cleaned ont." 

Sahitakt, — A great stir m the Metropolitan 

tn. CommiiBi oners knowingly propose to ' 
pud at the rate of so moch per scent. 

Irish prteils tell tenants to take their landlords 
as their great aim, and hope that by this means 
they will toach th^r hearts. 

It hon^ quite natoral that a nritst ihoold 
offer a aacnfioe, the Deighbonnng landlordi are 
Beleoted fia' the purpose. 

Bason b. Dbhbbsoit.— Qoeation ndied _ 
to whether bdiig a member of the bar is a bar to 
the pouearion of hoDonrable feeling. Prteedent 
of "Honour among thieves" is aiMnoed. 

FuQHT OF LoTTia Philippe.— A revolu- 
tion takes plaoe in France, and Mark Lemon 
makes s joke in England. 

Babon Kothbchild, after standinr the el- 

isas of the City eleotiim, is not allowM to sit. 

Nattqation IjAWS.— The 

._ our or the BriUsh tar is carr 

ordinal^ piled). 

VALEimm'B DAToocura on the Hth of tliis 
iQi, while Etnhtr Week commenees on the 
h. In the intervening fbrtnight, the "all- 
devouring flame ' ' redueee Valentines to oiAm. 

Chisholu AJtSTBT, olthoogh a very feeble 
man, moves a resolotiou of very greM weight, 
but ia onahle to canj iL 
Then Louis Fhilij^ canw, with a viuge grim, 

For, certes, he was a most milDcky wight ; 
And divers matters sne had traobled him, 

8a that be knew that he wai ruioed quite. 
And he bad not his nibjects rihd by right, 

And never woold dd Louis graunt than grace, 
But made them all the varaab of hi* ought t 

So that at last they gave Urn his dM plac^ 
And thnut him out fivm Ma own court, an oat- 


FIBBITABT. — Ili» Pint Fretub Invaaum. Joiiitiu£ takihc) Fobsbibiimi of the Soil. 


KARCH.— Hie Tr^lgar Square BeTOlation. 

THE PoPDLACB. "°* Orahii^Tlie lime hu uriTed foriU Dw 

from the Opprcuor'i yoke ! The bolf ti 

'•"C'T ''''>* ctuiDM be miniken 

Fmil UtTchiia — Here yoa m— real {Uvolutiimaiy Win 

AFS'IX. — (Hiartist Denunutration on Eoinin^bm iCommon. 



JUNE.— Iriah "Koral" Force. 

Mob—'Wtumi WswiJir jlfgi^f«v^ito<t4^"IaunujaalobtedDi-Mobecod— (olM*alleel«d— lob*pruilBl--uid 

Dot 10 let TOurpwdoiucHimmroar judgment; bnliDihow ih«M cotwd Suooi th< (allncj of itw dialialkal 
•uartno thai we an unflt lor ■clf-foronusaiL' (I^ jptalw hn kii ' 


A U G 1T S T. — B«volt of Engine-Driven. 

Daf-Famtltr,—'' Here'* ■ go — ^Wli^ Ilwj u; ilie uiio'i ta be dniT bjr J EnfiiK-DriBcr. — " Du jaa Itunk I 'n giriog to hin mj b«d froic will 
w^diief dincwr. 1 tint ■•guiog to Irut mj Tdshle lib tad fmpenj lo I lep biied, lU da; loo;, liir Ihii^ bob >-weekF" 



i 1) Sun.if.TrlD. 

'' 8h*tl& two 

Nest the survejon marchid. eke nn Ibale, 

To take preawtiona, that the city's spojle 
Should ne'er be trimpled 'nesth a victor's l»ot. 

To make onr wealth a manure for hie soyle. 
In hia one land, chirf object of his tojle, 

He held a lerel— in the other hand 
Two noble turnips, which he meant to bojle 

WhenoD St. Paul's — he mcamred oat the land, 
And gazed from lofty height on 

Fleet Street and the SCnmd. 


ntou Town — Thej are miuing all the moalh. 
RotAL Visit to Scotland.— Not beins 
able to accompany Her H^esty to BaltnoraC 
a set of Enobs prupote to get op a Bal Moral <rf' 
their own, at Corest Oarden, instead of pa- 
tronizing Jollien'a Bat Maiqiic, which they pre- 
tend il a fioJ Immaral. 

Cbaktists BROtroar vp at the Old 
Bailbt. — Their modest wish to remwn in ob- 
scurity is the theme of DniTersal admiratioii : 
and it ii not to be attrtbcted to any de^re <^ 
their own that they are tried and "not fbnnd 

'' Lord J. Bubsell tibits Irelaicd. — No 

„ ie ha« the least idea what he weni 
indeed it was merely lor a few days. 

French National Ouakiib in Lokdoh. — 
Great hannony bet ween them and the inbabiUnts. 
whom they call "brotbere." In return, some 
anprincipled indlvidoals eitend the telatioDship 
still further, and raua Ihau. 

DiBGUBTINO state of the Thames ; people, 
howerer. do not complain so mnch of the mud on 
its banks, «a or the atrocioiu filth in its shores. 

BoTS tent ta tlw Honn of Correction fbr 
meddling with the deer in Bichmood Park. 
TliiuEE are altered since the time of ^i yon Hit 
U. The answer now to the quest'ion, 

" What (hall he hsTe who UHi tbc deer." 

Is likely to be. 

" CoUJMib ReU> for half Um jeu." 
Thni is poetry rained by dviliiatiaa ! 

Tnis:i came the OuArda bight "National" to see 
The land which they "perfidious" whilome 

And then with mirth and eke with jollitie 
They drank nntil their eies with porter beamed. 

And fm of (rolick and of lust they seemed. 
Sixteen in one huge Hansom cab did ride 

And, certes, their noulea were totly of the 
is* d.tfll7 

OCTOBEIL-The 8«ooiid Fnnoh Inranon. 


NOVEHBEB.— Ths Vemon Gallery Exhibition. 

; Hilloo i. i«rt 

n 1.1*17 
I Q.Ctau.d.iai. 

" ■ - LiT.Tili 

And there were pietore* punted with mch wit, 
That all did tbefo apftrore and mnch esteem. 

Tet DUDe llsre not irom Sol one ringle beame, 
That men mifibt thai behold thdr ^rat delight, 

And vhj tluB ma, not eade wu to deeme, 
For all folks wandered at this drtadfid aight, 

And eke did for their coaotne griere, oa well 
tbe; might. 

A Book m Poiliihiii OjttLiD "Olikmes 
or TBE BiaoTiruL." — H. Porot omnpUins 
thAt tbe uilhor has not mentioiMd him. 

Vb hope the bto ofjoiuiK FttiwiUiMii in the 
Wett Bidinr will be a warning to j'ooth ; in 
which cue be will not onl; be a buc^ hot a 

TBI Qnadnnt Colonnade ii rranored, hating 
been preriood; polled to pieces b; the Timn. 

Pit's IX. EsckfEi FROH RoHE. — Com- 
pbuna that thooKh he bat often granted indul- 
gences to the people, they have treated him with - 

Electric Lioht eihibitbd at the N*- 
TioMAL GjiLLERV.— Whaterer cre(Ut thit licht < 
may reflect npon ilji inventor, it can nerer reflect ' 
any credit on the building;. ' 

PoLicEUAif, PBU.aootiittedfordiningwith ] 
a cook, aa be belonged to the "publio eervice." ] 
The "dinner lerTice" would bemoreappropriate. I 

Abdication of the EvrEBoa of Adithia, 
who proves that he la not aaoh a foot after alL 
Thbn, after him, cune Jollien with his hall, „ 
And thoM who daonced much meny feaating 11 

And drank tbe ioyoas wine till thej did &1I, ,, 

Old KiBiiiK'B KHinda their minds did ao much n 

Yet, the next day, I ween, their heads were bad. 

Like to baae robbery many there were dight, £ 

Or clad aa damans (theae were well-nigh mad) ; m 

And when they gained the Etret& and it wm f 

light, g 

Full many a Uugh tliej caoied from each rude h 

wight. . II 

Popt Lmo X.d. 


i I Sun. If. Chr. 

DECBMBEE.-Jiillieii'B Bal VaMipi. 

pUl^^kT'SHOW ALMANAeK'-l84$ 


SHOWUAK 'cuiUrau 

ipoUk in geaenl, and 

iten in pttrtirakr, af^iut 

I inoKMed titk tite; nm, 

m the "dangernai" oon- 

iun of tbs Serpoitiiie. 

Altboneh tlw tw nuj 

appear To liermeticallj 

Bc«J uid deodorize the 

Btreani, vet deajute the 

remedLsI measoreg d' 

tiie Itojal Humane 

r, great duuLia ore cutdtaiuial ul tlio pouibilitj orTecovering 

'" eSects of the liqnid ptuaon swallowed during u * " 

Q. Why are holidaja at the public offices like conn'eta ( 
ji. fie<^use (he; are observed with the greatest atrictDcss. 
Q. Why is a writinj(-ina»t«r luckier than any one else ? 
jI. Because he can never help flouriehing. 
Q. Whj is a cleigyniaD who hnnU like an officer who luns 
ny JTom an engazement ? 
_jI. Beouuebedeparlafrom his sphere of action (his Tear of 


Aim—" trkt; tat iiutUwf at Oe iaor." 

I HAD jott come up fiw dis bmoiu Town to see, 
And all de cnrioaitie^ whatever dey might be ; 
I went to de bonse, snA heard de Spealur sa; 
To aonMbiehuabu^ who 'fiirede chair dere lav— 1 
"Am dat O'ConneU— am dat joo, John! 
Wha^ you ^n't dead yet ! jou better get along: ! 

" Pot dar is no tue dying on de floor any mor% 
" Who 't dat dying on de floor t 
Twenty Omes yon 've done that, I tink, befcre— 
I 'II eall de SHowuAir, tell him how 
You always go on as yoo 'ra doing now : 
Who '» dat ^ing on the floor ? 
^ dat O'Connall, am dat too, John I 
If joa ain't dead yet, yon "d better go along, 

" For it 'b no use dying on de floor any mOTe." 

Health of Towns Bili — The question wat postpooed nnti] 
■Rer the cholera. ' ' 

Cbolha arrived, and was received with 

the greatest attention by the civic antho- 

Lola Uoktks. — Europe wm, some time 
nnce, amused by the Kbg of Bavaria's gam- 
bolling, mdaoed by certain skiUnl "It^" 

Dkbut o» Me, e. V, Bbooke— His 
appearance was prepoasessing b«t not sac- 
oeaiftal. After being cut up by the p^ier^ 
he reappeared in Beverol pieces. 

Maek Le WON often quotes to himse 
1 sigh the hnes of the poet— 

" Mao wuu but little tar bdow. 

Natore oppresses him much by her wper- 
fluoos kindness ! 

. JuHW B. Lmn, — Bonn, after having 

loiwinn. "wn much injured by Lind, nltunately "re- 

Odt of the Haymorket, near to the top, 

Ban* a snail passa^, in which there 's a ihcp, 
Where vou can get, wjth " sauce piquante," a chop, 

Whiidi Verrey bimsdf might in vain try to wop. 

Two seedy gentlemen torn up the court : 

One has ten shillings, the otW has nanght. 

To pay Ibr the steaks which are ordered and brought. 

Strange thine this catii^— that beings sboald cram 
UutCon and beef, sugar and jam, 
Puiper and mnstnnC pickles and ham, 

Salmon and soles, whjting and plaice, 
All through a hole in (be front of the Gue. 

Of ttw two seedy sentlemen siUinj; twether. 
The dullest remaps that it 's reiy bad wwther ; 
Whilst the other, who takee a long pull at the can, 
Obaervea that Hacanl^'s a very great "..n 

Thi^ the dmmny one cries. 

He flaUy denies; 

Then, invoking his eyes, 

Declaiea that he '• got a fKend ten times as wise ; 

Which the other asserts is a parcel of lies. 

Wherenpon, tn a fiuy, both genllanrai rise. 

And the wit, who's remarkably brave for his mit. 

Holds oat his fls(, and the dull one defies ; 

Which insult the dull, while ha shows some SDijrise, 

Declares he 'II avenge, (hough to-morrow he dim. 

"Pooh! pooh! you'll do neither," (he short man repliM, 

" The denoe !" criee the dull, and a bottle he (hrowa 

As hard as he can, at that part of his (be's 

Physi<f[nomy, wUch is wdl known as the nose ; 

But misung his torn, the we^»on swift goet^ 

And drops on a quiet old gentlenum's toes. 

llimntniu awav, without mercy or dread. 
Each kicbng the oth^, and pouching his head. 
Till the short one, determined the matter to end, 
Seixes hold of a fork, which he sticks m his friend ; 
And lifting him up, with a horrible leer, 
Berers his thmttle from ear unto ear. 

Then away he runs as hard as he can, 
Upsetting a woman, two lads, and a man ; 
Down the sbeet, across the Park, 
Up against posta, on aococmt oftliedark- 
Frowning at hoji, who opme it 's a lark. 
Till he 's stopped by a green-grocer. 

But, now to finish this terrible talc^ 

This wretebed young man Is rimt up in gaol. 

His crime is so awfiS, they will not ttdie boil .- 

Then he 's banged, sir, he 's hanged ! and his cloUies a: 

Fallact at THE FaCultt.— It seems strange that medical 
n should so often prencribe bleeding, when it is wdl known 
always (o be a vein op^tion. 

Essex has fiimished a complete illottration of the proverb that 
ne man's meat is another man's pcnsoD," ' — ' ' 

known to have supported themselves by 

"lurdering tbdr relatives. 

A Boval Princess is bom. Salntes are 
Sred Ml the occanon. As sslute« are also 
fired on the demise of royal personage^ 
their lives may be said bitfh to b^in and 
end — in smiAe. 

DuHUfS the captures of Chartists, an 


■ho peached. Lord John, for too. 
"ChartiBt flats, won't joa come oat and fight —oomcoatandEght 

— come oot ml fi(;ht — 
CharUft flaU, von't yoo come oat and Eght, and be tmuported 

He uked them if thej 'd have some jjikes — hnTe lome pDcei^ 
And Baid that a wise man alwaja itrikOT, while hot tbe iron be. 

" Chartist flats, won' tjouooaie out and fight — axneoatandflght 
— come uot and fight — 

Chartist flats, won' t jon come oat and fight, and be tnntported 

Then went and told the Peelers atmight — Peelers straight, 
Whn led Iha poor flat* to their fate — but. who SO base as ho ♦ 

Chartist flats, never go out and fight — go out and fight — £0 
oat and fight, 

Chaitist flats, never go out and fight for such a Ijing loon. 


Ladf iiflht ffnue,— Wal jou dance, Mr, Smith ? 

Siaiih.— Oh, withpleiwnre ! 

Ladj/ ^ffsu*.— Will jou dance, Mr. 0'Mullij)Mi? 

Mr. (yMidligm.—Och sure and I'll dance with the greatest of 
HntisTactioQ olive, partiGaUrl; when it 'a jour own charming «e]f 
tliol's the invitreas. 

rVer; clever fellowi these Irishmen; sich brilliant wit 
much conrersatioa] 


.^ a gate at a bull. B)-e-thc-bje, 1 've a paragraph that '11 
do capitally for the Avrpim. I'm not going tons* It^ lothejoke's 
qnilo at voor service. You must put it in a new form, or else some 
ctnpid fellow willsweor it's that pun uf A Beckett's from the Forig 
ThirveM ; and now I think of it, Flanchi has something like it in 
Ihc (ItUtn Braich, so mind ycu're careful about it. I see that 
Webster has been CDming out with his bad grammar again. I 
wish you would touch him otT ; I really have not time : there 's 
lAlmley to be pitched into ; and I've a regular slasher on Jerrold 
coming oat next week. Bje-thc-hye, I was at a boll last night, and 
hit on a capital subject for a caricature. There was an old fellow, 
too, sitting next me, who could be served up beautifully in a shilling 
liook. I think old Brown, the man who is almost too loij to eat 
bis dinner, could also be made a character of. If I can get a 
"triking name, I know a man who will bring it out l«-morn>w. 
Did you hear what O'Runnovan said yesterday about Lablachet 
That would make a capital epigram, if I could thmk of another point 
for it : it's hardly strong cnoueh by itself. Bo jou mean to cro to 
Rununer'sltf-morrow night? I think it will be slow, but it mil be 
such an odd affair that we shall be sure to make somethiotr out of 
it in the way of copy. Well, good-bye, if you will go. Mind the 
step, oryou'll fclL Ah! goodheavena I I said you would ; and 

good social cut. E\uuse me, 1 

Medlad itadrml loquitur. — "What, are yen here still in the 
land of the living! Let 's look at your tonguel Do yon feel any 
pains in your bones, as if yon had been beaten all over with a sticl^ 
or had been run over hyawagcon? Well, it 'a deuced odd if you 
don't ! Can yon sleep at night ! Don't you feel as if you were 

wTetebedly tired when jou havn't been taking ny exercise at all f 
Well, never mind, let 's feel your pulse. Hem ! what 'a that black 
mark on you lip ? Oh, it's a little smut, is it ! Well,of OMmeiT 
SimpaoD don't think anythingofit, itdoean't matter to me. Let'a 
tap your chest t Here, undo your wustceal. Does thia giw jm 
anypunt Well, but don't too feel great diScal^ Id breathingt 
Any aching pains in yaw head t Anjr sole throat, tMsi, tKOOmpaiiled 
by extreme nneasincM in twallowmg t Well, perlup^ jod oao 
manage to swallow; hut yon don't mean t« say you hare any 
appetite* Well, I don't know; it certunly is very extraardinaiT! 
Ha ! what 'a that on your shirt I By Jove ', PuU ft open ! On, 
it 's a dn^ of ak, is it ! Ah ! I see bow It is ; yon 're been 
drinking, my boy. Now, jou mind what I say — yoa're suffering 
from incipient dtlirium (romii, and you 've a strong dispOMtico to 
typhus. Now, mark — my — words — you 'U be dead m three weeks 
— that is, if you don't take care of vourselC The beat thing yon 
can do is to go home, have your head shaved, put thirty-aeren 
leeches — or thtrtj-tlme, if they are large ones — on your templei^ 
and make np your mind to be recniarl; laid up for nine moatha. 
Give my respects to Simpson, and tell him he doean't know what 
he 's tauing about And— mind — what I — say : if ymi don't take 
prtcieiu care of yourself— I tell jou as a friend— yon'll be as dead 
as a herring in less than n month '. 


SolMlor UxftilHr. Well, jon 've had a row witli Timkins, han 
joa) andhehinted that the sooner you paid your tailor, ihobotler 
it would be for jonr repntation. 

I thhik JOU did quite right to cut bun ; that langu^te, tou 
know, is actionable. I remember a case when I was articM to 

Well, sir. that man recovered damages ; and yoo m^ delwnd 
upon it, an action woold stand against Timkins for the inainnatkna 
thrown out against your character. It's rather unfortunate, t^-tbe- 
bje, that JOU hit him. He couldn't prove any iutentimi tomurdtr, 
I soppoae ; but do vou think be could fall bock on tbe " intent to 
do some grievous Wily harm ? " Well, yon know, if you merely 
hit him with your glove, it amounted to an assault. However, I 
don't think that would interfere with Uie action for dcGunation of 
character. Is Timkins in the prol^ionl Oh, then, if bo 
I dare saj he won't know what to be at. Bj-tbe-hje, do you know 
whether he has ever been in the habit of nsswling your — 
character befiire CTeir one he knows f Oh I ho told some 
one that you had owed a " tick " at the C^/c de Tfaro^ 
for a long while — did hel That also tends to i ' ~~ 
TOUT character for honesty ; but as you have n't pa 
it would be as well not to allude to iL Do too ' 

friend to you I because, if he does, 

he's likely to send 
you can bind him oi 

lo you know 


. wonid be his second, r 

Anyhow, his lanj;;uage was actionable : . 

law-olerk about it, and will let you know. 

The HzianT of Coolnesb.— The top of Mont Blan& 

p, as to whether Sir Peter Lanrie OT 
raul JSedford waa the greatest baffiwn. 
'Oh, Bedford, cert^nlf," aoid a gentleman present. 
" Mo, Sir Peter Lanria it the Brestost," replied the Shovhar. 
"Ton are 'robbing Pets to pay Paul,' when yon pnmotmoe otW- 




Dicua we to women «bat oamfiw are to motlu. 

Tb« jwing lad; tIio eaU least at dionei ha* eaten mmt at lanch. 

A man'i mnJ ma; 1m ai good ai hu bond, hit liii bead ma; be 

.1 bad as hta 

Better to be up to a lark than np witb It. 

Tdl me what the riawt affirms to^sj, and I will tell ;oa what the Dutijr A'nci 
will denj to-morrow — and siet vtriA. 

Bills are good pedeslrinns ; they wiQ nm lonj, and beat yaa in the long ran. 

A vlrt«ioi« indignation writer is one who ia indignant at »irtne, and with whom 
Tirtus if berwif in^gnant 

I Caop or Fa I ■ 

The Sbowuan shorllj intende to [dace for diacuBBiun, or, if poeaible, eolution, a 
great moral question in the hondG of the literaiy communit;. He intends, in fact, to 
&c a handsome prize for an eseay on the following important snbject, viz. i — 
« Wbethf [ it Iw immoral, bs wdl u illegd, lo girs i bai-kscpu a bad ahiUing 7" 

The Showman's private opinion ia decidedlj against the doctrine of there being 
anything immoral in the transaotUm, 

Thihqs SLIOHtlt out of Flace.— A fan in Nova Zembia; a Gibos on the 
Swan Blver; a lorgnette at sea; a renter's adniseinn to I^wj Lane in Sierra 
e : a voice lozenge in the cell of a prisoner undergoing the silent syitem ; a pair 


The Mowing tariff is drawn up fay a coatii- 
bntor to the Puppxi-Sbow :-- 

Brown Mgar will be Irr no means aUoved 
into port — nor into )pn, whiiiLy, ir mo. 

8agar.«andy will be admitted hilo eifti at 
the usual anunuit'— i.^^ two or three pieces to 
each cop. 

No sugar hat hunp'Sngir will, on any My 
coont, be admitted into grog. As tar brown 
sngHT being let in, the Bhowmak would not 
touch it with a pair of tongs. The amomt ftxnd 
for lump Eogar, is three lumps pa tomUer. 

Sogar datiea in the abstract — that is, tbe 
duty of caatigHting small boys who abstract the 
sugar— mast bo rigidly carried out. The amomt 
fixed, is one whack fbr every whack tbe bv^ 

Sugar duties in the concrele — or, in tba 
lump Uiat is — may be dcGned as the dntks at 
passmg the sngar when required to do sa. You 
Dave no right to keep the sngar in bond. 

N.B. — It doea not (allow that became tongi 
ar« nsed for helping sugar, pokers may be. 

A Diplomatic Eelation. — One who bnm- 

bugi yon into lending him a EOTcreign. 

Jewish Disabilities.— Not being aUe to 
cat pork, speak correct English, smell agreeably, 
or look clean. 

HabkI it ii tbe wiebed-liir tignri : 

OladncM sparkles in Ls eyes. 
As the beawteooa Donna Lai^ 

To her lofty castment hiea. 
There, upon the stcpa of marble. 

Stands her lore! her bosom's pride ! 
While his gondola lies cradled 

Od the gently rippling tide. 
All entranced — for bliss scarce hrealhii^ — 

Lists she to his toothing lay. 
When she utters — pale with (error — 

One loud shriek of wild dismay. 
For she sees her loved one stagoer 

Down towards the silver flood. 
And can track each step be taketh 

By large drops of crimson blood. 
Has a hated rival struck him 

With the lurking bravo's knile : 
Or, with sure and well-aimed ballet, 

Snapt in twiun the thread of life ! 
Quiekly, with dishevelled tressefl^ 

To the victim's aid she goes, 
Ah I she taints, but 't is to End he 's 

Only bleeding at the nose. 

TiiE following were lunong tbe beat tricks on 
April-fool day:— 

The Secretary of the WhittlnfUai Club was 
iiiibnned that a "gentleman " wished to become 
a member. 

Charles Cochrane's friends sent hitn round 
the comer, saying that he would meet a voter Sx 

■Inbs. The revcJutionists look upon the British 
pick-axe as a base tool of ptrfiJ' Jlbion. 

Partridoe SHOOTina ends on the 1st oT 
February, but the Srowuan never met with a 
sportsmaa honest enough to say whether the csnse 
was the exhaustion of the buds, of himsd( or 
of bis powder. 

Lord Ellesmere'B letter on the National 
Defences causes some o^nce. The greateit 
ofience is a plot which the subject gives rise to 
at the Adelphi Theatre, and which ts eondnoted 
in such a numner that no one can discover it 


" Tbey ult like Solomun himsdf in liic Pi.-»rBT-Suoii,'— Bulwee's Dtemuz. 

Tne curtain rise^ on a new liolf-year 
Of satire, humour, jiarody, and sneer; 
To introduce in form its earliest week, 
A word of prologue iritl the Showman speok. 

Russell, boirare ! though siifu on Brin'a atroDd, 
To dine in ai)lcndour in a starving land — 
To learn from Oaatle toadies why men rise. 
And read abhorrence in a nation's eyes— 
To hear chains jingle on each pauper slave — 
My lash can reach your oarcaso o er the wave '. 

Rb:4tinck, beware ! (poor creature who presumes 
To sneer at Fonblanque while he lives with grooms 
Back to your stable ! seek but jockeys' votes ; 
Keep your statistics just to tneaaure oats. 
I do not d«a;n to hate you, but I flog 
With a lialfpity, as one whips a iog. 

And thou, friend Ccffet, of the sombre rang. 
One word of cauUon in thy lengthened log : 
Back to the shop-board 1 leave affairs of state. 
Patch Chartists corduroys, and cease to prate. 

Calmly to sew is better tlian to sCrlko ; 
Resume the needle, and lay by the piko. 

And now, kind reader, one word ere I go. 
To you who peep into my Pdppet-Show. 
Long as my breaat retains its wonted fire^ — " 
Ixmg as these hands have strength to pkdl tlie wir 
For a lew coppers you shall every weet 
Behold my puppets play and hear them squeak. 
Feel's stately form— tiie nijrro Cutfey's fu«e — 
Disraeli's acowl, and Brougliani's grotesque grinia 
The blazon Bentinck, and the booby Hawe, — 
iiliall glide before you, eager for applaud. , 

Whene'er a Chartist, thirsting for your blood. 
Kicks up a hubbub in his native mud, 
Fast as tlie Peelws bear him to the cage, 
Tho Snob shall writhe before you on my stnge. ' 




CAUTION. EVIL-MINDED PERSONS are cautioned ascainst miking self-evideot iokes in'reference to t\m abolitvm of 
the headings which formerly aclonied tht various flrptfUarnti if the Pufpkt-Sbuw. And notice is herdi^ given 'that anjr joImt or jokvs who 
ihall presume to make any would-be ftkcaiam remarks t» the cffiiat that our ** Pias and Needles'* are at preseat without heud^ AtH he CKposed 
to the ridicule of Utf vulgar »nd the scorn of #he high-minded. 

Given at om Offic% 1 1 WelhMion afc uo t Nq«b, Strand, Tu« IShowimv. 

Xhi!« d* di^ of Sqplcmliv, 1^^ 

TO OUR RtA^DKlS AVD (ftI£KF0JiS) ^MiE£ftS. 

It is a well lumv oowmmwaI truth (Ifr. Oobden wiU 
correct ud if «e ai« wron^ lW tlie uttlue «f am article vm«b 
or falls Aeoording lo the iiMmm^ for ii. What hoUU true 
with rQg|w*d to o«i artMe «*y he •equally lUkgfid ef a 
collectiou ef articles sudb as ai« conliiiaed in tfai Fuvm- 
Show. BethtehiU And the SM<miUN are h iM ttd by the 
same imMWtnhki kwa, and nuwt f m coo j ea iJ o ati c i i 

The PuFfBT-Snow, pooe one peotqr, ms addvesaed te 
some fifty thousand persons, witn the risk of its being 
accepted only by twenty thousand, and the probability that 
it would be welcomed by some seventy or eighty thousand. 
The Showman, as a moderate man, calcinated on fifty 
thousand readers at one penny; supposing them to have 
wanted some thirty thousand of that amount the charge for 
the journal would, on the true commercial principle, have 
been lowered, in consequence of the small demand, to one 
halfpenny. But, as the paper has been in the greatest 
possible request among all classes — the good and the bad, 
the high and the low, the rich and the poor — the Showman, 
as a philosopher and a man of business, has determined to 
increase its price to one penny halfpenny, payable in 
farthings, halfpence, or a mixed currency of nence and half- 
pence. And do we say "determined?" The Showman 
nas been compelled to^ao so. lie can no more regulate the 
value and therefore the price of Puppet- Shows, than can 
Mr. Bright of Manchester goods, or any grazier of beef and 
mutton. By char^in^ the actual value of the Journal as 
decided, not by his individual opinion, but by the voice of 
the nublic, the Showman performs a duty to himself: which is 
the best guarantee that he wiU also do his duty by the public. 

Let us hope that the course which has been adopted will 
bring the circulation of the Pdppet-Show within reasonable 
bounds. The subscribers — and we say it with all due respect 
to them — ^have hitherto been too numerous ; let us hope that 
the additional halfpenny will act as a cooler to the ardour of 
some of them. The task of addressing so gigantic a body 
was becoming too arduous. The writers fearea the responsi- 
bility, the compositors trembled with nervousness, and the 
very boys shook in their Bluchers while waiting for "copy." 
The paper manufacturer, less remote from the scene of 
action, was at the same time unable to supply his reaps 
with sufficient quickness ; the steam-engine was fast wearing 
out, and the engineers were dying ! Independently, then, of 
commercial considerations (always despicable in the ey^ — 
we mean the one eye — of the Showman), justice, humanity, 
and philopro<5enitiveness united in calling for an increase of 
price. To this cry the Showman has, he trusts, responded 
m the most noble manner. 

The receipts derived from the additional halfpenny will 
be spent in charitable purposes. Part will be expended in 
the support of decayed compositoi*s and worn-out machinists, 
and in sending the writers to recruit their energies at the sea- 
side, while the remainder will be devoted to the ei-ection of a 
pound for the accomodation of our Discharged Contributor. 


The justly celebrated M 'Culloch has written to communicate to us 
the result of some calculations with which he has been some time 
employed in reference to the Puppet-Show and its contents. The 
eminent statistician informs us that the twenty-five numbers form- 
ing the first half-yearly volume contained 2750 jokes, of which 
2 were old. Of the remainder, 449 were of a playful character, 
315 were ironical, 451 were sarcastic, 25 were rather weak, 1 had 
no point (owing to a misprint), 600 were savage, and 901 were 
terribly severe. Of the wnole number (2750), 1450 appeared in 
long articles and 1300 in bhort paragraphs. Of the latter, 49 were 
published in foreign languages, 87 in the form of epigrams, 827 as 
"Pins and Needles, ' ' and 337 as paragraphs of various descriptions. 
Again, out of the 1300 short paragraphs, 200 were of a genertd 
character, the remainder, 1094, heing more or less personal, of 
irhich 102 were of a particularly violent description. 

Lord John laes^ had been irtlackod ^M time<:, aii on 35 
oofiastoBS with OMsidorabb rancour. Lord €borg« BcntinA had 
hoin **cham,>d" 38 times, ftud ridioiled vith«rverkgr 14 tSaes. 

Jerrold awl Albert Saitk (liUoHry ouvrmr) had beea pitched 
iato five timeft^-pieae in fan, and twice io eaniest 

Mr. Lnmlcy had hmm attacked 135 times, ami 79 tinMs with 
great ferocity. W«bbter had bten asaanked 58 tineg widi para- 
graiAs of a nuiderotts descrtptioa ; and one CoiPtil had been 
wiiOTwd S tines. 

The RcfKaiew had been satiruscd 7 times, the Irish " PatrioU" 
had been held up to eontempt 314 times, the ndem of Ireland had 
hmm scourged 523 times, llie Chartists, genendty, had been 
recommended to use soap 70 times, to keep civil tonics in their 
heads 54 times, to avoid beer and ardent spirits 83 times, to do a 
little work 221 times ; the physical force Chartists had been 
flagellated without mercy 311 times. 

Our Discharged Contributor had sent us jokes for insertion 
100,000,000 times, and he had been requested not to do so 
200,000,000 times. 

Sordid Motive. — ^No class of men are more delighted 
at the instances of generosity displayed in the case <? the 
" Ocean Monarch " than Messrs. Moon, Colnaghi, and col- 
leagues, who having got a large number on hand are naturally 
glad of any rise in we popularity of the prints of Joinville.^ 

A FouLORN Hope. — The forthcoming of the Peninsular 

Very Shockino. — The Russians r^^ret that the cholera 
did not rage more violently in the Caucasus, because in that 
case the leader of the Circassian troops, who lately defeated 
the Czar*8 troops, might by this time have fallen a victim to 
the disease, instead oi being merely sham ill (Schamyl). ^^ 


We are of opinion that a great mistake is made with regard 
to riddles. /They ought to be made with more regard to the 
character, disposition, and general information of Uie persons 
to whom they are addressed. To a man of no learning or 
acquirements, such as Albert Smith, the riddles shoula be 
just of the difficulty which would compel him to think 
attentively for a short time, and to determine the answer in 
about three guesses. We will, however, divide our paradoxes 
into three classes, for the purpose of ei^laining those that 
Smith could guess with facility ; those that he could guess 
with a little apjilication ; and those that he could never guess 
at all. The following may be ranked in the first or simple 
class : — 

1. How many times will two go into four ? 

2. What does twice one come tot 

3. State the colour of Nebuchadnezzar's grey horse ? 

If Smith answered these with facility, we would try him 
with the subjoined : — 

1. Who succeeded Henry I. ? 

2. What is the dative plural otasinus f 

3. What are the characteristics of the baboon? 

4. How many feet has a quadruped ? 

The above would probably be about the mark for our 
pupil ; but if he should, in writing any new book, evince the 
slightest trace of reading, or of general information, we ¥rill 
torture him with some puzzlers in the style of the annexed : — 

1. Who wrote the Vicar rf Wakefield ? 

2. Did Julius Ciesar fight at the Battle oi Hastings ,* and if so, 
which side did he take ? 

3. Did Demosthenes write in Latin or in Greek ? 
4. Is there anything worth reading in Shakspere ? 






CAPTixo Dyce De Roulette 
was a gambler by profession : 
he had been driven to it, in the 
first instance, by inclination 
and a superfluity of riches ; in 
tho second, by necessity, and 
an absence of cash. He had 
imbibed the taste with his 
mother's milk, and, at the 
earliest age, neglected the play 
becoming to chddhood for that 
of more mature and corrui)t 
flge ; for him no toys except 
skittles had the least charms, 
and the baby-like rattle was 
only tolerated from its sugges- 
ting the more congenial and 
exciting pleasure afforded by 
the dice-box. 

He would cry for hours to- 
gether, until his nurse con- 
sented to ** toss him up ;" and 
when, at a more advanced 
period of life, the infantine pap 
was replaced by a more solid 
species of food, he would, if 
asked as to which portion of a 
sucking-pig he pi-eferred, de- 
cide in the most characteristic manner tor **head or tail.'* 
His love for a game at buttons caused him to tear off those 
indisf)ensable utilities and ornaments of dress on every possible 
occasion ; he was once induced to proceed with a felonious 
intention to the British Museum, in order to carry off and play 
with the Elein marbles, and exhibited his future passion for 
** the turf *' DY preferring to shiver with cold rather than sit by 
any Are which was not composed of that material.^ On one 
occasion, when the wheel came off his father's carriage, and 
the whole family were precipitated to the earth at the immi- 
nent peril of their lives, the infatuated boy was only bent upon 
limning off with the cause of the catastrophe, for the pur- 

Sose of getting up a game at rouUUe; and he was once 
iscoverM in his private room, surrounded by a collection of 
bullocks' hearts, gardeners' spades, and wooden clubs, in the 
greatest distress at being unable to procure some diamonds 
to complete the pack of nonsense ! 

When at school, and subjected to a stricter discipline, it 
may be thous^ht that our disreputable hero in some measure 
improved. On the contrary, his monomania increased. 
He would only study one subject, in classics as m everything 
else : whatever he might be directed to learn, he was sure to 
be caught at his Olympic games, or endeavouring to ascer- 
tain the pedigree of Pegasus ; while, at other periods, he 
would be found hard at work with some abstruse work on the 
'* distinctions of races. " He was constantly dieting himself 
with Epsom salts, contracted a liaison witn a young lady 
simply because her name was Bet, and often wagered his whole 
dinner upon the success of the Derby; while, at breakfast 
time, he would prove his confidence in a horse by laying 
two or three eggs. 

On leaving school De Roulette, after indulging for a few 
months in a course of domestic gambling — with the groom 
in the stables and the family in the drawing-room^ received 
a commission in the 501st light infantry — a regiment which 
is as notorious for the high play indulged in by its officers, 
as for the severe discipline entorced in its ranks. His passion 
had by this time assumed all the character of a monomania. 
He would bet as to whether the following day would be 
marked by good or by bad weather ; would toss for *' double or 
quits " when about to settle his bill with his tailor ; and fre- 
(juently backed a stable boy of his acquaintance to eat more 
food, and in less time, tlian any two childix;n of the same age 
that could be produced by the neighbourhood. But it was with 
his fellow-ofiicers that his distressing symptoms more parti- 
cularly evinced themselves. A few weeks sufficed for him 
to lose the whole of the ready money which he possessed. 

Another short month, and a large sum which he had ob- 
tained for the reversion of his interest in his father's estate, 
was swallowed by the demon of play. 

Nor could time put any limits to his mad play. The 
crowing of the cock was once a signal for himself and his 
companions to throw down their cards, and abandon 
themselves to repose, not to return to their exciting^amuse- 
ment until a late hour on the following evening. But now 
the case was different. Day came, and still De Roulette 
rattled the dice-box wildly above his head, or dealt the cards 
with frantic energy, and too often, alas, with spasmodic 
nervousness ! Again he wanted money. Rushing into the 
the presence of his now heart-broken father, he desired his 
decrepit parent to choose between a surrender of all that 
could be raised on his already encumbered estate and the 
death (by poison) of his vile but beloved son ! 

* ii« :p * * 

De Roulette was alone in the world. His family had 
perished ignominiously — ^his mother, through want ; and 
his father, through the workhouse diet, which violently 
disagreed witli him. Having pawned his razors, he grew a 
pair of fierce moustaches, which, however becoming, were con- 
trary to the regulations in an infantry regiment. The Colonel 
accordingly brought him to trial before a court-martial, 
when he was sentenced to be deprived of his epaulettes and 
his commission : the former haa been already lost at ScartS, 

The gambler was now left to his own resources. He 
immediately determined to change his mode of play, and to 
gamble not for excitement but &r mere gain. He accoitl- 
ingly promoted himself from the rank ofensign to that of 
captain (or capting, as he was usually call^); and was 
soon afterwards seen in the neighbourhood of St. James' 
Street, from which he descended to become an habituS 
of suspicious-looking dens in Jermyn Street, and a constant 
patromser of cigar-shops where no one was ever seen to buy 
a cigar, in the purlieas of the Haymarket. The Capting 
contmued his easterly course. In about a twelvemontn he 
had progressed as far as Leicester Square, and ultimately 
arriif^ in Castle Street, where his destiny awaited him. 

De Roulette, even during his lucky moments, was invari- 
ably unlucky. While winning notes in St. James' Stre< t he 
was sure to recognise some ot them as having been at another 
period in the possession of one or other of his deceased 
parents. The same was the case with the sovereigns of 
Jermyn Street and the shillings of Leicester Square— every 
coin be touched bore the curse. It was after a series of ill- 
luck that the Capting rose one evening starving, penniless, 
and ill clad. He hurried to the gaming-table, and nis credit 
not being good was obliged to raise a small sum of money 
on his ragged and thr^bare coat. He won. Fortune 
favoured him, and again he picked up the shining gold. 
Five, ten, fifteen sovereigns are his. Again he Inrows, 
and rises from tho table the envied winner oi twenty pounds. 
He crushes tJie note eagerly into his pocket, congratulates 
himself on his prudence m withdrawing at tho early hour of 
half-past five, and reaches home, mad with joy ! The next 
day De Roulette awoke a happy man. His landlady entered 
to inquire for the forty-seventh time when she could have 
a little money. The gambler, in a temporary fit of honesty, 
tendered her the bank-note for change. A few minutes, and 
the woman returned. The note was a forgery ! 

From that day De Roulette abandoned the gambling- 
table in disgust and became a moral man. The lesson had 
an effect upon him which could never be effaced from his 
memory ; and often, in after years, when warning the youth 
of tlie ])eriod from tlie awful but infatuating vice, he would 
relate the incident by which he became converted from the 
ways of sin to tlie paths of virtue. 

Extraordinary Puexomenon. — Last week the well- 
known joke about cutting one's stick, which it was thought 
had retired from public Tile on account of its age, made its 
re-appearance in the columns of a facetious contemporary. It 
was introduced with Mr. Meagher of the Sword, but tailed 
to produce the same impression as was wont to be caused by 
its appearance some twenty years since. 

Very Fastidious. — We have heard of a writer for the 
pix3S8, who is so cautious about attacking individuals, that 
lie objects to the use of a personal pronoun ! 



H the Time* of August 30, we 
find the following aentence 
.. attributed to George Bentinck, 
:|j commonly c&lled Lord George 
Beutinclc, and member lor 
f'l L;nn Regis : — 
/'\i "IIo did not know aot care 

'I wbo Mr. A. W. Fonblanquewu." 

'-' We confess that, accustomed 

as we are to haTiDe to deal 

!', with every sort of abominable 

', dbeurditj, from Char^st bluster 

'-1' to Whig pretensions, we never 

I sawlAitmatched. LordQeorge 

I has now fairlj reached the pm- 

.,; node of aaiuinitj, and may 

;-, boIdlydcfySibthorpa.Chisholm 

I, Anstey, or any other member 

';i| of the Bouse. 

I '.. lias he ever heard of a man 

( I named Bulwer, who wrote a 

ll book called England and the 


jl ' Let hiro get one of his father's 

, ' servants, or Mr. D'Israeli, to 

read it to him (explaining the 

big words as lie goes along), and he will £nd there this 

A. W. Fonblnnque described aa the " profound and vigorous 

editor of the Examiner." Let him further procure a file of 

the-£^xainin«r (asixpetiuy paper, my lord, publi^iied weekly), 

and for a course of years he will liiid in it a series of articW 

combining the lucioity of Cobbett, with imogery worthy of 

Burke, the productions of this A. W. Ponblanque, of whom 

he knows nothing. 

Not knowing who Mr. Fonblanque is, pmy what doee be 

^ That there was once a poet called Shakapere ? 
That there used to he a people called the Romans ? 
That we must all die ? 

Let us, however, charitably suppooe that the assertion 
was a folsehood ; that " the scent of the stable will cling to 
him still." 

What does he mean by saying diat he does not care who 
Mr. Fonblanque is ? 

It is amusing to see this poor worm — generated from the 
corruption of the turf — attempt a feeble nibble at the heel of 
a great man — sn Aptdlo, wnose sun-arrows have struck 
terror into the proudest hearts in Europe, piercing alike 
throujjh the tyrant's purple and the rebel's braes ! Aftwall, 
there u a kind of praiseworthy audacity in the exceeding 
im{>udet]ce of the attempt. Animals of that class usually 
watt till the object is dead, and then prey without fear of 
the consequences. We need not say tbnt we shall forgive 
Bentinck alti^ther, if he induces Mr. Fonblonque to 


however, even if he does not know who Mr. Fonblanqae 

is, everybody knows who lu: is, and amireciates him accord- 
ingly. Englislunen have long congratulated themselves on not 
being governed by a man, who having broken down in Pa^ 
lioment to begin with, and then paa^ the prime of his life 
in the pursuits of the better and the groom, kindly conde- 
scends to bring the fng-end of a second-Tale mediocre under- 
standing to b^r on the Imperial Legislature ! 


Q. What English opera do fleas remind yon of ? 
A. The " Sight Dancers." 

A Vert Free Aduissiok.— It has been osoerted that a 
great amount of crime exists in connexion witli the police. 
This report appears to be confirmed by the circumstance 
of one of the Chartists havine lately first admitted the ofScers 
of insiice, and then iumeoiately afterwards admitted his 

Am I not^ I ask anj reasoaable person, the most mists^ble 
bmte under the canopy of bcaven? Am I not the most hard- 
worked, hoif-atarved frunewOTk of on animoi ever seen crawling 
on tiie outside of the globe! I who once waa the pride of a duke, 
the pet of ■ dnohess, and the admired of all ; Who sported over 
the earth like a lamb, or bore mj master through brinr and lirake 
with the velocity of Ijghtnineoad the resistless power of the thunder- 
bolt, " shoring with HIT lord the pleasnre ooa the pride!" Aiid 
what am I now ? A dis^oce eien to a cab ! A byc-«ord amoiu;at 

trunk. My ejci are like a eoupleof biiliardhallB. Eveij 

rib in my carcase may he counted, wliile three of my feot ore tied 
up in venerable carpet. Tlien my tail — my once long, silky, flow- 
ing tail— is now reprisentcd only by an attenuated etump, on which 
a worn-out paint-brush would look down with coatempt. Of ray 
harneits 1 con soarccly bcnr to speak. Vy coHm was long since 
east off by one of Barclay and I'trkin's dray Iiotbce, the belly -tand 
originally Uionecd to a Shetland pony, one of my traces is too 
short — an evil which is sesrwiv compensated for 1^ the other Iwing 
too long — while mv bit is simply a crowbar '. While waiting on the 
dreary cab-stand, I am ever and anon cheered by the ronversatioii 
of my driver, who is perpetually talking to his pals aboot touehing 
me up on the raw, and inflicting other punishments too horrible to 
mention i 

GuATiTUTE.— One of the paBsengera ' in the " Ocean 
Monarch," who was saved by the 'intrepidity of the French 
prince, says, that the JoinviUe tie is one which he tnust 
always respect. 

FOUND, at the lata asaiMs, a VERDICT of GUILTY 
■giinsl C. MIZZLE, who hu since neaped. The t]>ore namal 
indiiidual mDT inniMllalely nun into pooBiioa of all adiButlges ronll- 
iog frum Iha ume bj appljiiv M the Bow Stnet Police Ofice. 



Evert effort hitherto made to proTide an Irish remedy having 
failed. Lord John has gone over in person — a drop of Whig 
oil to calm the ocean. In the nreeence of the pigmy Divinity, 
tlie devils that possess the hoay of Ireland are to qooil and 
fly. What arms, money. Acts of Parliament, and speechee 
have failed to do, ts to M accomnlisbed by a Whig gentle- 
man foui^feet-six in stature. The process will be sunple. 
Lord J<An will dine with Clorendon, and breok&et with die 
Commandant of the Army. 

In the Eastern apologue, the Vizier tells the Sultan 
Mahmoud that, he has heard a discourse betwem two owls, 
congratulating each other on the certainty of having pl«ity 
of ruined villages during his reign. If Lord John can manage 
to understand the congenial owfs language, he may probably 
bear similar congratulations on his government. Conde^nned 
and despiied by niTD, it will be gratif\'iog to bear praise 
IVom the dark and disguatin^ Bird of N^t. On the wliele, 
this expedition of His Lordship is what statesmco call a 
"stroke of policy," imd honest men a humbug. It is a 
simple piece of "gag," as much bo ns Wright's sticking his 
tongue m his mouth when he leers at the Adelphi pit. He 
knows that a week or month in Ireland can texch him 
nothing thot books had not told liim before. But the visit 
will please and propitiate the Irish ; and it is the lot of that 
unfortunate people to have their generous Ibclings played on 
Ogoinst themselves. Tltey are alternately bullied and cajoled 
like children. 

Lord John 's visit ia n force ; but what shall we sa;^ to 
Lord Gcoigo Bcntinck's — the ape imitating the harleguin^? 
lie imitates Peel in his manileHtoe», and apes Russell m his 
movements. IIow does it interest ns to Know that ho is 
going to Ireland ? Ho may 50 to Batli if he thinks proper. 
We see no objection to his visiting the atables of that coun- 
try, or making himself usefiU about the coach-houses — 
operations witbm the range of his capacity. But after this 
visit, we shall have htm assuming n double deigree of 
dofftnatiom — having added to the stammering orator, the 
rttsn statesman, and the blundering statistician, the addi- 
tional qualification of the mis-judging trai-eller. 



The Irisli rebels, beings Catholics, are, apnpropriatelj 
enoagh, to be tried en ma$$e on the monstir inoi^tnnent of 
conspiracy. In mercy to the culprits, we Itope we riMdl not 
hear of an '^ elevation of the host.*' 

An ill-natured correspondent ren]M'ls» that Ltrd G. 
Bentinck's propositions are always rejected a» a matter of 
course. Auyraing from the course is no doubt yery 

NumeKOUA articles of clothing having been seized at 
th« Boulo^ie Cudieiu House tram the rash visitors to 
tiiat laud of auurohy — la IMe France! the difference 
between Commuiusm and the government system appears 
to be this: with the former ** property is a robbery," 
and by the latt«i* propeity is robb^. 

No wonder tliat Albert Smith chooses a ** Legacy " as 
the subject of a &tor\'. He has always dealt with otlKr 
people's leavings. 

During die late examination, two of the Paris insurgents, 
with a view of not criminating themselves, refused to answer 
any questions. In spite of thi», they were condemned to 
tnmsportation — a proof thai it they would not answer, their 
system of silence would not nnswci* either. 

OMkenham is in a fair way to be rained. It is said that 
tbe wttters have been rendered mud*^^ owing to the dirt 
^ngrby the Berkeley Brotbvs. 

9|HriEiiiflr of the m wi Phit d ma— r in which Lundey 

Erochiowl •* Kobert the Devil,*' Meyerbeer says, tli«t however 
e may forget any other slight put upon him by the lessee of 
Her Majesty's Theatre, on thai score, at least, he oau never 
forgive him. 

Mr. and ^Irs* Keeky have for some time nast been 
''starring" it, to ralber thin audiences, at the MwyleboMe 
Th^iiKi; so that, spite of their taient, the hoyee ie still 
a very " ill-8tarped<" one. 

Bentinck says that Free Trade will ultimately ruin even 
the manufacturers themselves. If so, they will be all praying 
for Protection — from the Bankruptcy Com*t 

The Young Ivdandera are always racing about Engliih 
tyraany. We dare say they will at last carry thur a^Mwdky 
to 8u«h a.pitch a» ta refuse an English egg on aiecouit of 
their hatred of the S«xoo yolk. 

Ministers have only adopted one useful bill dwriiig the 
whole session. The fact is (as wo were convineed by what 
we saw at the whitebait dinner) the only thing which they 
are qualified to pass is|.the bottle. 

II the ^Yhigs continue their absurd course" of legnlation 
for inkmd, we suggest that Russell should be proseouted 
untethe LicenaMvictindlers ^eifor using- fklse 

Tfa» CnrhM'Iong been otto n^Vng to bMbtke Cireas- 
B»; wjBia hoyy jwoved, however, that the latttsraw more 

ai^firi thm he, since they have just proved'tbeiAMtveB gnat 

adqita in tbe art of *^ Russia leathering." 

In ymn vnm^ Ma^ends any ei^r hones build 
That (me &j with sense poor Lord Georae will be filled: 
You may teach^ you may thrash hhn as lonf^as yoa will. 
But the soent of the stiduer will cling to him. stilL 



Down by misty cornfields wandering, 

Strc\>m with sere, auUwMial leaves. 
In the rosy twilight pondeffcig. 

Dreaming by the ofoldiw sheaves, — 
Whilst tlie leafy brancne'r *W us 

Swa3red about with flJful sound, 
Lo ! a vision came before us. 

In the shadows gathering round. 
And with holy aspect, slourty, 

Rose a Phantom from fie ground. 

Far his eyes were set asunder, 

Skming with a spectr«l light. 
And his voice boonwa forth like thunder. 

Rattling in the dead of nigtit. 
Round his robe a girdle meeting. 

Clasped him in it^mi^rio Mmd ; 
Yet his form was vogue and fleeting, 

Like a shadow on the land. 
Thu7 enshrouded, did the chyoded 

Phiintmn of the Fnvore staad. 

** Think not, mortal, human sewing. 

Earth-bom, fed' by sun a»d rain. 
Is the only harvest groAving, 

Sown as seed fmd reaped as grain ! 
Gaze upon the world around tlie^, 

Traee the progreee of the plan. 
See w4ia4 buds of promise bound thee. 

Ripening into fruit for man ! 
These are teachers — world-wide p^eaehers ! 

Thus the Phantom Voice b^An. 


" Day by day mankind are nearing 

That which is their destined goal, 
WheW'the dawn of truth appearing, 

Striies the shackles from the soul ; 
Old opinion* narrow-minded, 

Bigo4)''»lMr, and musty ci^d, 
idl shai vanieh— and the blinded 

Ihen shall have their vision freed. 
Seeds are sowing — grains are growing — 

Te a Harvest rare indeed ! 


** Day by day some germ expandntg, 

Into ripe perfection comes, 
Freedom, faith, and understanding. 

Garnered to our hearts and homes. 
GrowUi, though slow, is yet incessant. 

Therefore time will come at last. 
When man wisely from the present 

Leams'to profit by the past- 
Some deep meaning all are gleaning 

As the hour approaches fast. 


'* Let the reafiere then be ready. 

Let the gleaa^v^reundthem stand ; 
Be the people true and steady. 

There's a- Havveei-home at hand. 
Plenty shall be their '» for ever, 

with the time that's coming soon. 
When the rights of justice never 

Shall be doled ferdl^as a^boon." 

Thus he spoke— tiie vision ended, 

And as on our way we wended 
O'er the meadows, fell the shadows 

Of the rismg Harvest^onoeik 

AcoiBBHTAL DisooTERT. — ^We luive reesKtly see^in^ufi 
obsolete ** ooekery boek " ^at a rasher of baoon is nwtiidly 
brpieal of Noah's seeeod sen,, for on hia arrival is Africa be 
Mt it sa^iuteneely hot that be became friBsled" Haoh" 



No. in.— CBEHOBHE. 

WING never studied lli 
Ject, we cannot 
decided oninion ns to the den 
vntion of tlie word (. remorne 
The gardens are however sup- 
posed (by ourselves) to derive 
tlieir name from LordCreniome 
(0 nhom they at one tune pn>- 
linblr belonged 

The wwd 18 pronounced 
Crein6me, vriih the nccent on 
^ the last lyllahte rJthough the 
|Teut8 end all the » orst authon 
ties persist in traDsferriog the nccent to the first sUlable 
&nd pronouncing it Cr^morne. In fact it is the Shibbo- 
leth by ithioh the ,gentish population may be at once 

The Gardens of Cremome are bounded on one side by the 
KiDs's Road, Chelsea, and on another — the oiiposite one — 
by the River Thames. It produces trees of very large (growth, 
and during the season often contains many tiiousand inhabi- 
tants. The dress of the male part of the population resemblea 
in many respects that of Englishmen gonerally_, from which 
it is only distinguished hy the bows of their Joinvilles being 
longer, the stnpes of their trowsers more conspicuous, the 
shape of their hata more peculiar, and their coats of a more 
cut-away character. The females are partial to pink bonnets 
and crinoline, and some few of them delight in dresses which 
unite the various combinations of colours found in the "flags 
of ell nations." The habits of the majority of the. men aro 
very mmple, ns thev spend most of their time and their 
money in treating the .--^^ 

young ladies who ap- 
pear in the brilliant 
costumes above alluded 
to. The food and drink ' 
which the Gardens af- 
ford are of the most 
varied nature ; iu fact, 
everything which any 
reasonable man would 
require maybe obtained | 

at the most reasonable y 

prices ,iroin sandwiches 
and bottled i)Orter to 
venison and Burgundy. 
The young ladies bear- 
ing the colours of all nations may be divided into two 
classes— those who have not eaten enough dinner, and 
those who hare eatcu no dinner at all. Consequently, 
they all require supper, and to obtoin this from the young 
gentlemen of simple, but not austere habits, appears to bo 
the great object of their career through the various walks 
of the Gardens. 

The systoni by which the waiters are governed is one 

V , which has always excited in us the greatest 

i . ndmiration, mingled occasionally with dls- 

''-■' '\x '• satisfaction, as the waiting is sometimes 

' 'J&i'- performed rather by the public than by the 

' HttT atlendonts. The 'first ;tinie we went to 

'■ fH,''- ' ' Cremonie we imagined that we hod only to 

iPPi .;. ■' call forabottle of Chateau Maiyaax and 

■'' -^@fe^ throw down our money in order nt once to 

■'" W^'.j'.;, obtain it. "However, all we could get was 

'"''*^ --i ' ■ a pheck which entitled us toivalkto the 

i imi "jircii. Qtliei- end of the Gardens, and there procure 

our favourite beverage. The object in giving these checks 

is a " sensihlo " one enough, for it is severely felt by the 

visitors ; indeed every one must be aware that a system ot 

checks cannot fail to cause a delay. 

< The last introduction in the shape of amusements at 
Cremome is the " Aerial Machine," or " that 'ere machine," 
as wo once heard a youth call it who was lecturing on the 
subject. Many persons who have not witnessed it cutting 
through tiie air imagine that it moves from one tree to 
another supported on a single wire, like somebody — H Via- 

ntVau\hall.' iWo are almost inclined to coincide in 
1 " wonders will never cease," wc hope 
this recent one will not cease to be 
exhibited until we have had an oppor- 
tunity of viewing it ftnd deciding for 

The advertisements of Croiaome 
Gardens constitute a foature in the 
litciature of the present age, as every- 
one will admit who remenibera the cde- 
brated panegyric upon " this Elysium 
upon earth, where bachelors were 
invited to attend for the purpose of 
pirouetting among the trees," and 
to dance T'Hi to their heart's con- 
tent before the gaie of admiring mnl- 
titudefi!" Rumour difers as to the 
authorship of these most poetical 
announcements; somehaventtributed 
thmn to one of the] ofGciols, vis., Mr. 
J. t. \ an Buren, who, in that case, might 

' ' ''^ "itli propriety ba called an advertismg 

CDiniiii tnamoiTHiiTB Vau ; We, however, are ioclioed to 

Sve the honour either to Baron Nicholson or to Lord 

We shall not say much about the Aquatic Tonmamente, 
further than that they get on swimmingly. We believe tbdr 

1 , 


establishment originated with Mr. Ellis, the spirited proprie- 
tor, in consequence of which an intelligent scnool-boy of our 
acquaintance always speikks of them as JSllU'g E.nrei»et. 
Some of the Life Guardemen "who take part in the iierform- 
ances, contribute still more to the entertainment of the public 
by the energetic manner in which they, at a later nenod of 
the evening, execute the polka. If Henry Russell's boatmen 
used to dance in a style half so bold, they well deserve the 
celebrity which he has acquired for them by his song. And 
while on the boards of the dancing place, let us renionstrat« 
ivith the proprietors, who expect that persons can dance on 
a surface resembling that of a plauojhed field, and presenting 
a succession of ups and downs which perhaps teach a good 
moral, hut certainly a severe one. The worst of it is that 
one is almost forced to dance by the esceLence of the orchestra, 
which, independently of tlie entente cordiale existing between 
the musicians, is conducted hy Laurent, who, witK Jullieii, 
takes his place at the bend of the directors of dance music. 
He will lead his devo- 
ted hand through the 
greatest diflicultics 
without the slightest 
danger, and always 
ends by ophioving a 
complete trimnph. 

Tne balloon ascent 
is a great attraction 
at Cremome. These 
things, however, ate 
all veiy similar. The j 
iirst ascent we wit- I 
nessed was one in I 
which Prince Albert 
Smith took part: the 
last time wc were pre- 
sent the cor was occu- 
pied by a monkey. 

The ascent of a balloon does not afford much amuse- 
ment, beyond giving an opportunity of speculating as to the 





probable fate of nn enemy who mny be ^ing up. It, how- 
ever, appears to bo a Bource of gratlR cation to a vast number 
of dirty boys, to whom iU appearance is always th« signal 
for inBaoe howltog and screaming. It also fumishet mate- 
rial for ft paragraph to the penny-o- liners, to whom the 
event is worth full one-and-twojienee. 

We have aaid nothing about tlie invisible poet, for the 
simple reason that he must be " i«en to be nppreciate<l" 

A ballet forms part of the eotertainmaiita. These are, of 
course, of dilfereut descriptiona, but it iaa rcmorkabb fact 
that the last sceno invariably displays ft group of feines, a 
blaze of light, and an illuminated scroll bearing as a. device 
" Welcome to Croniornc." 

In returning home tl«» travdlup 1^ two modes of con- 
veyance to choose from-— tJie omnibus, 
in which be will be cr<>«h»i to death , 
and the Bteam-hoat. wkew ha will be 
squeezed to suffocation. We remcnibor 
no instance of a person having iMumed 
to London by public oonveynase in 
which there was not conajdcrablfr dlff- 

culty in brini;inz bim to rwhts, wliieh, 
after all. is the best poasibla proof tlutt 
Cremorac is patroniied as it tiQHrvee to , 

Latgst fkou the Cadcabvl — The Bbiwian army hsivc 
been ugnally defeated by ti» aJueflain Scbamyl. It is 
hardly neoeaurr to odd Aat 1^9 mm very mob" cut up." 


Ohcb nifln has the roKng jmb iBMidM ■■■■ ij^tla^forianato 
day luek^ qwugh to ba Aa/t a* wluii' 

I m R. H. Princ* 

Albert (IbrmA to \mr the Ught. Tbe hapMawat was o( 
course oolftbcated nUi grand i^aJBMign at Oiaama. while in 
London and othec plaaaa eveiy tradesniaa idi* had 

served tlie Prince m 

b the value of ashiUii^oi 
change for si-xpoiM, found vent for his lojau^ in a greatci 
or less consumpliao of m\ or gae aa the case la^ht bo. 

What pictums am not conjured up ia a contempla- 
tive mind bv ttie m^tt <^tUrs^ annual illinaini^inn — what 
respect for tlia pn^otisin of those men who. tbaa decorate 
their house-fronts, totally uninfluenced by the- nare vulgar 
considerations of pouads, shillings, ami pence. True it is 
that in some ntl twitnrnru hav» hMO neard to complain 
of BO much aowjr Arown away in oil, but they only did 
this in order tn rwMiaal the whole eatent of their enthusiasm. 
Others agmn \r~ nifiied that the uims thus expended in 
illuminations lain^ be far more patfitably employed in 
relieving the iBntf a and misery whish they pretend is 
universal; but tluaa persons do nMMMit Man a reply: they 
are evidently CkartJtla of the tinrat rmih' 

The SnOMOMji will not soon faapb tii» pne emotiona 
which filled hi*, bataat as he wattaad Jmb the principal 
thoroughfa,ra»«£ tlH» Wesbaad on iiw nigMoC the anniver- 
sary in queelMB. laaver^glittaraf amma there exhibited 
ho saw that MifMi for our glorious caaMitation shadowed 
forth for whi^ laiilBnd is sa ftwKai). ia every broncli of 
laurel he bakaU % memenia o£ tlta ■mttillia deeds efiitcted by 
His Royal Hfgjkaaaa at the htad eC faia. favourite regiment, 
whiletheletliM?. A.,nhicb t}ie Siinnii'a mind, superior 
to the comwan and hocltnej'ad iiilea of orthogMpby, con. 
strued into the word "Pay." absolutely made- him smile 
with contempt when ho reflected what ' a mer» tiifle the 
Prince Consoit and otlier advantages of a simiiar descrip- 
tion cost our fortunate land. 

A IIiNT. — As a great many iniguiries liam betn latttjc 
made after Mr. CuiTey, ai. tiuA Mutlemas'ik iwiiiliiMii, tli» 
Shoivuan ventures to vafgmk mat mm^ iMBWe might be 
spared by attaching to one of ' l^ ntiuttm the following 


exflar xntt C^xrMM patriot. 

For some time post the walls and hoardings of £rf)ndon ttavs 
been covered with bills appealingto tbc heort of the benevo- 
lent in the touching terms, "Don't forget Mr. and Mrs. 
Keeley." We do not recollect when we were more shocked; 
to think that two onco popular favourites should be reduced 
so low as to be under tlio necessity of sending a sort of 
begging letter, or ratlier literary hat for lialfpencc, round the 
Metropolis is really heart rending. We ^Irust for the sake | 
of " aulil lang syne " that a collection will speedily be 
made, otherwise we shall be having the unfortunate actor 
acting aa a living reproach to his age, by holding horses, or 
sweepmg a crossing, if indeed he be not reduced to the more 
painful experiment of coiling himself upon the pavement, 
with the words "starving,' or " not tasted food for eight- 
and-forty hours," inscribed before him ; Vihilo his wife will 
be obliged to go out washing, or take a situation as a 

The next thing we shall behold will be doubtlees " please 
to ranember poor Buckstone ;" or, " bestow a halfpenny on 
Wright." Reallv it is time that somethmg were done to 
remedy this awful state of things. 

IIOHOtiitABi.F. Ecos'oiiY, — Tfaa Bcwspanera have talked 
a great deal about the econonijc |racti;ea by the Orieons- 

family. Prince d»Joinville pnoMait by saving oil he can, 
as appeared in the case of tbe " Qacan tlonarch." 

Latest rito» the CoifT ii i—T — (From Oar Own Corret- 
poniirtK.)— Milan and Paris ore both quiet: the former 
under the rule of Marshal Bo^tski, the latter under that 
of martial law. 


Mr. SnowuA!!.— Eobswue from year paper llint an ignorant 
fellow lias regukrlyiaailB a Im^ inlfec "^(iriimi^^^iirrni" quotation 
from Virgil — nnhapiip )M«d'! "i^au, sir, will jou luku such u«efiil 
and ett^nt quotatisaa aadca joud pmlaclion, sad save them from 
ihe pmligiDUS alnuglMii' Maiia evtr; day npon thaai i Par nampli, 
young Smith, nho wont ■» ftiiber tlim Entnfiiux, is (wnlinaallv 
saving. " Rara avis." □» nattar wlietbrr (lie rvn avii be a Park 
Wk or a crickL't-Ut ; ndtwat^ll him tint otkvs besides himself 
hare iteu tluit vc^ rare bodl tke F.ton Utin OrMimar t Nor will 
lie gain tlie rrputatiuikol' a «1mbo I9 nsiae "fi»4i( qai cilo iat" 
litres timnrr '- — aflcmoon ; aiitlKrwill SluiDiiwr. fcom colling the 
Chartists al vaAAdi, be tliuuf^ht a dioeciaii ; no> (Jkaker, trho, nith 
tba supc aa)bilioiii> iika, qootca 

"Kt y awMv *a^ Krm 'wiiL.xi^koiafiata 9\ tdmrit" 
(0 e\ay one bo csn r.itdi ma IIm. cliam-piiT at Mgbton. llie 
cUuiua'l atteiBBWiits of old Coke Fvilti-r Ihc lawjar Bay also be 
doibted, okho^li he peraitt in s^king of every ftMiood as a 

But the fowl|i(iifr9, sir, nre iM^t Buf&nm in comparison to the 
nati^1'S. I'oor Shokapen ! I daslnre I don't kiiov wfaalher " to be, 
or not In \k," la po^ry or n(A Wsusc Smith savE it, if he and 
his " joung 'omfln" hcaital* nlxmt going to Cremo^re or "Vita 
Condick" — old Jnnee siiv«.it. if he is dubious an to hwing nnolher 
pint — and Billy IValker Mhrcd it at Epsom races, a^en he was 
nbout lo Uvn crown as to^ie whereabouts oftlic "littUpfn." 

Then tWre'eyeung 3fcurtcnt, who jHiffs out "Diviae tobacco, 
whieli from east to west," with e\-ery whiir of liis wrcWted Cuba ; 
and Pistons, nbo talks about "When music, lieai-cnlvmnid ! was 
voong," at every amateur concert ba goes (0. 1 excuse old 
M. Chosnez, the dancing-m aster, spouting "On se light vantns- 
tique toe," baaaase I lieliiTe that bit of English is part of his 
sloek-i»<ttadc, and na iuicpaEalile Irom hiia aa his kit : but can we 
pardon hundreds of iBouth<i harpiB|c oaiaaa linc^ aixrh a^ " Like 
NidM yt laars." JK.;' " h^ir' viaib, &tv and kr," &c.: 
"■Plilt wiaaya R*mi" &c. ; nil of whitli every one lias heard at 
least a thousand times bdure. 

Lastiv, will you deolnre it treason aMinst t 
unappree^ated nnil unquoted poetEi, to ctaiSula — a: 
wilboDt exceptian docs, and as I do now— with 
" Tn ftth ud nil ■ fiir nwd nigLt, 
And roiy dnimi ud idntnlicn bright.' 


cry lecturer 








The following work was composed for the private study and im- 
provement of the authors, and without any idea of its publication; 
but the eulogies that were passed on the manuscript by many 
elegant-minded and learned friends were so overpowering, that, 
much against the diffident disinclinations of the anthors, they at 
length covered their faces with both hands, and permitted the pub- 


In the earliest ages of civilized antiquity, a remote aj^roxima- 
tion to a similitude may be traced between some of the vehicles 
described by Pliny and Suetonius, and by Homer and Virgil — ^not 
the ffwmpta, nor the biga, or bigue, of the Phrygrians ; not the 
estida (derived, no doubt, from the Celtic ess), and certainly not 
the cotfinut, or scythed chariot, which the ancient • • • • 

[The editorial wand of the Showman has dashed out all the remainder 
of this learned Historical IntroductioD.] 


The conductors of omnibnsses being known to be the stupidest 
m«n in London, seldom looking in the right direction, scarcely 
ever looking behind than, and ne?er being able to distinguish a 
signal at a greater distance than twenty or thirty yards, it is ad- 
visable for gentlemen to canr a few stones m ike pocket, having 
previously practised at a mark, so as to be able with tolerable accu- 
racy to hit a conductor in the small of the baek, which is •so much 
more frequently presented towards you than his £u;e. Ladies are 
recommended to hail the coachman in preference; and the best 
way to do this is hj placing themselves a little in front of the 
horses' heads, in which case he will be pretty sure to sec them, and 
pdll up in order to avoid running over theyatV. 


Seize the conductor firmly by the arm with one hand, and the 
brass rail on the inside of the door with the other ; then swing yoar 
legs up into the omnibus, raise yourself hj your hands, and dirow 
yonr body gracefully forwards, to the -adnunition of the company, 
who are all anxioos to receive yotL 


AVe sap])ose the omnibus to be neariy full, and that yoahave to find 
a narrow pinch of seat up in a remote comer. Tlie double row of 
knees nearly meet, and nobody moves. All sit with true Saxon 
stolidity. Begin by treading upon the toes of the two persons 
nearest the door, extending yoor umbrella, parasol, or walking- 
stick so as to endanger the eyes and noses of those who sit next. 
This will at once produce a little commotion and liveliness near the 
door, and you may then tread your way forwards over toes, till a 
clear passage opens before you. Having thus attained a seat, look 
down the ommbus, on both sides, at the faces of the company. 
How very difterent in colour and expression to what they presented 
when the door was just opened for you. Draw a mono, but say 


If yon are of a merry disposition, and have no immediate need 
of external excitement, sit down at once, and enjoy jour own 
thoughts ; but if you are of a grave disposition, or, feeling rather 
melancholy at the time, would Tike to have a little enlivening enter- 
tainment, then do not sit down at once, but stand fidgetting and 
arranging your coat-skirts or frock-folds ; and when the omnibus 
gpos on, as it always b^ins with a sudden jerk, you will be thrown 
right along the knees of those who sit next you towards the door, 
or else at full length in the straw. Iliis will afford a nleasani 
diversion to the company, and much gratification to yourself. 


The whole pliilosophy of omnibus-traTeUin^,-and all the ethics, 
turn mainly on this apparently simple question. We shall have 
more to say on this all-important part of our treatise when we come 
to Part II., which treats of the many abuses which attend the privi- 
lege of entering this delightful vehicle. For the present, therefore, 
we sum up our best wisdom in these brief words — Sit as you would 
be sat by, 


If you do not mind the risk of being thtqght a foreigner, yon 
may open a conversation with any intelligent Wking person on 
general topics of the day, without beginning hy iuTormin^ the 
person in question that " it rains," or, **how hot it is," which in 
all probability he has been told twenty times before in the course of 
the morning. If you are at a loss for a subject to begin with, 
produce the last number of the Puppet-Show from your pocket, 
nnd some very smart thing — ha ! ha I ha ! — and hand it, pointing 
to the passage. Ladies may open a conversation by feeling rather 
faint, aesiring a window to be put down, and then put up again. 

[The Showman, notwithstanding the ahovc compliment, has felt him- 
self called upon to reduce the following, not by decapitation, but by a far 
more appropriate process, viz., by cutting off the bodies and leaving the 


















CThc concluding advice, however, nrast not be omittetl]: — 


This question, which has be«i a grent diffieultv suice the age 
of Pericles (and indeed long beft»re his time), ^ich the accomplished 
monarch, George IV., deflflred himselPwable to settle satisfactorily 
to anybody except himaelf, and wkieh even now often puzzles those 
who ride in vehicles of the present day,— -this perpk»mg question 
we do not pretend to put at rest #r ewwr, nor do we consider it 
possible to do so in anvorM where the pNlperty qualification is in so 
very fiuctuating a coimHMm. To limit this broad problem, however, 
to the act of '* paying y«0r 'bus," we 8h<Jiild sunply say that if you 
wish to seem a perswi #f f»me consequence, and to make yourself 
rather conspicuous, ilk) «ot get your money ready beforehand, but 
having stopped the onmibus, stand on the step and deliberately 
begin to draw out your purse, so that if] the horses should make the 
least movement forwai'ds, vou are certain to be thrown flat on your 
face in the mud ; and if tbis docs not moke you Movpicuous, we 
dou*t know what will. 

[Part II., whWi <€oroprt»et -nil ^e principal abusrs ond nuisances 
to which traveller* in omnibusscs are liable, yvKM be given next week.] 


Cdafieb IX.— T^BL0SELTBIVEB-a^^BPcBLlc-HocsES■ 

' Bel as jou 
etetun gal- 
f r, you cannot, 
1 B about you— 
them at home 
those lonely 
1 stand upoD 
thdr disiW 
over loDg 
and niBhes 
T mud. We 
tho^ ghastly 
riosity. W e 
sipped our 
trick, but 
d vrUfioi our 
cigar, and fancied Btranjre viHwns 
of tliese gi'ira publics and their inhabitantB— that is, if 
they hiive any. In tlio first plnco, who built them ? 
We have fancied a. mad architect, a mad builder, a mad 
brickma^er, and a mad bricklayer's labourer employed 
in tlie hopefiil scheme. No doubt it was plonned in 
Bedlam, and the estimates were furnished from St, 
Luke's. How borgemcn and boamen floating up and 
down tie river must have stared as the walls b«gan to 
peep above the untrodden nmd ! llow they would have 
essayed to land to feijc the builders, in order to restore 
them to their friends ; and how the mad pilers of the 
T»un edifices would escape, shiiekinfc and ravlnp;, into 
neighbouring swamps, and flounder helplessly in the bog- 
holes and mud ! Who could they have been ? Perhaps 
escaped convicts turned daft by the silent syslem ; per- 
haps English monks of La Trappe ; perhaps high and 
gloomy-minded misanthropes — Manfreds in corduroTs 
and half-boots, hating their accursed kind, finding soli- 
tude in the crond, and lively and agreeable society in 
stake and slime, crows and curlews. 

Well, but the houses are built. Who and what are 
their tenants ? lleiv is another field for fancy to romp 
in. Perhaps they ai« villains who, having committed 
some dreadful crime, shun the face of man, and live all 
alone, with the exception of a lovely'daughter a-nicce, 
who knows nothing of her parent's deep-seated gloom, 
and who may be supposed to address him thus : — 

Lorets Daughlir — Bdored parent ! wliy thus go «id } What 
weight hiuigt upon jour heart f Oh '. \l you iroutd but share 
jour sorroKB niili jour child. 

SliiaalhrBptc Fa 


Zopfij) Dimghttr- 

-Child : lia 1 lia ! ha : I have n 

dookej rather '. 

Lattlg Daughter — Ala;, ala* ! the fesrliil lioor is dark upon 
his spirit. 

UaaathrBpic Parent — Tho worthlffS-S BOuUesa, cranlinn. 
<Tpepin([ thiiiES which men call heroes, but irhicli 1 call slaves : 
Ha : hs ! lui ! 

LoFelji Daughter —, 6affcr mj lute to cabn jonr troubled 

IFIay the air rf the " JAterarg Duttman" mtkelate. 

UUanlhropic iV<»t— Kairv-likc mnsic— alcaiing o'er mv 
BcnfiCB— iiilh slnmlrous influeiice— like hocusscd brer : lluic 
cydidfl «TC henvi-. 

[Sterpi.— Scene elotei. 

We have anotlter theory touching these lone taverns. 
They must be the identical houses otentertoinuient very 
famous in the robber stories of our cliildhood. We re- 
member these tales dimlv, but wo do remember tltem. 
They spoko of evening in an unfrequented nlace, of a 
traveller who had lost his way — as all travellers in old 
stories always did, and which proves either that the ways 
must have been very equivocal, or the travellerB very 
stupid— and who canic in the twilight to a lone inn. Tlie 
landlord of this "liostelrie," as we should say if wc were 
doin^ the picturesque, is invariably a dark sinister- 
looking man, ^niff and grim. He receives the traveUer 
with scant courtesy, and tlio wearied man f;oes to bed. 
Somehow he cannot sleep, and he hears a dun souikI as 
of whispering, being able only to distinguish isolated words 
of fearful import — sueli as "blood,' "pistol," "dark 
lantern," " strangle." luaniiely and terror bewails for 
the daylight whicn he is never to sec. Suddenly there 
is a creak and a rattle, and down goes the bed under 
him — down, down a vawuing trap-door — down floor ofttt 
floor, ^11 it lands nitli a splash ui the muddy water which 
surees over the pavement of a cellar dungeon. Then — 

and then ■But wc arc writing the Funniology, and 

not the Horrorology of the Thooieii. 

The houses in question ere public-houses. Of that 
there eon be no doubt. Oneof these is called the " Rising 
Sun." Wehave often read the sign. But public -houses 
must hare customers, and who arc the customers who 
frequent these taverns for a social glass? The hiihttiiii 
must he select mther than nuraei'ous ; iudeed, wc should 

imagine that the festive circle in general conusts only of 
the landlord and the pot-boy^a circumstance which, 
however, goes far to disprove the proverb, that two arc 
company mIuIc threo are none. But where should guests 
come from ? Sheeji, many speclmcus of wliich gnze in 
tlio adjoining swamps, are nieri'lv brutes, and tnci'cfbre 
not given to getting intoxicate<t like Cito members of 
higW ordci-9 of created things; and crows, and curlews, 
and sca-gulh, although very n^pectahle birds in tlidr 
woy, ai'B not in tlie habit of dipping their beaks into 
cheeringj beakers, or palrouiziiiji any public — not even 
those rejoicing in the sign of the Featlwrs. Thus wc 
are necessitated to end as we began. All we know is, 
that we know nothing. Man won't pay for his liquor 
in those drear resorts, and binis and beasts can't. The 
whole thing is a mystery. We give up all attempts to 
fathom it. There stand these deserted taverns — tliese 
house* sent to Coventry — these of brick and 
inortor condeunod to the seimrote and solitary system. 
Why tbey were erected — by whom they were erected — 
how people live in th<an— why people live in them— ond 
what people live in theui — arc mysteries (mly to be solved 
at that supreme and triumphaut moment of human in- 
vestigation, when it is ascertained why nobody ewr saw 
a deod donkey, and wherefore it is the conlheaver^ wear 
white cotton stockings. 

A DotniTFrL Uit. — A landsmen wishra to be inform- 
ed why sailors, who would ho so indignant at an insult of 
the kind being offered by an ordinary person, never com- 
plain of the confitant practice tlieir admirals have of 
" striking their flag. " 




LoBO John has gone over to Irdand to acquiro a personal 
knowledge of tm state of the country. He haa hetter, 
Uierefore, do as follows : — 

1. Eat diseased potatoes, to learn the state of the crops. 

2. Stick himself up to be shot at^ to know the condition of the 

3. Get somebody to kick him out of a farm, to acquire the 
feelings of a tenant. 

4. Wear rags, to know how the masses dress. 

5. Despise himselC to know how bis Government is liked. 

6. Hate the Protestants^ to kaow the sentiments of the 

7. Detest the Catholics, to appreciate the feelings of the 

If Hb Lordship tries all these thin^, he will return a 
** wiser," if a " sadder" man. We nrophesy, however, that 
he will learn nothing but the state ot Clarendon's kitchen. 

the:undeoeived one. 

Beauteous Emma ! how I love thee 
Language is too weak to tell 

(If the tale wxmt the money 
Be not after all a sell !) 

When at church I first did see thee 
In my pew I ravished sat 

(A taU finnhy followed with the 

Books — I liked the look of tliat,) 

Dearest, hear me : I adore thee 
For thyself and not thy gold — 

(If I get 1m, em I think I 

ShaU, nqr mmm need not be $oMJ 

What: yott'reixwr! you'ro"*© 

(Tlien I miM $haU go to n^ 

Ami xektu'j wmm^ Ifmt l» fmi,) 



A Hint ros AntttiTs.— At tis ininiglnrial ^Kmht, Lord 
John was ** imnvted" \f Lwd M erpe l h and JEUri Qf^j, 
What a ci^pHal mustra:tioa of the Dvru on two sticks ! 


We all ium w mW llie soyuig if V«ifnkwi, ^ d«fiient 
Oupondin, tibat tbtRcvokitiM was Ite Smvn— it d9Vom«il its 
owB childntt. The kst IlewktiMi b Fmace is deiog much 
the WKom. It haa not, howtm. dtmy nw l ttt^ Blanl^— who is 
scarcely a seven-owttth's diM, by the 1Nn^— but has sent 
him ovor here to sdwol. W« trust that it wm be fomid bene- 
ficial to his understanding. For our parti WQ wil supply 
that impettant educational element— the rod. 

It is weil known that one of Louis's firSMt beliefs always 
hM been, tint England is in the lowest iltte of degradation, 
fiii «f mtIL aad MMMi knows what. We ai%]ii^t aware 
what he ^inks of that by thia tiBie, but we leave our readers 
to judjg« from the following copy of a diary which he has 
kept smce his landing : — 

Aug, 29. Landed at Dover. Gave carpet-bag to a small boj. 
Boy not painted blue, but wears clothes. Must see about this. 
Caesar's Commentaries all wrong ! 

Aug, 30. Asked landlord where the Druids meet now. Any 
human sacrifices going on ? Landlord not able to tell me. Can't 
understand his barbarous language. ^.B.— Knives and forks in 
the hotel ! 

Aug, 31. Saw some English soldiers. Could not discover any 
scythe-chariots with them. Must ha\'e been misinformed. Find 
railroad (juite as good as ours is ; rails not torn up either ! Saw 
many children by the road as passed along. Memo, — Doubtful 
whether aristocracy eat pauper boys, as said in France. 

Arrived in London. Beally a great town, after all. Lower 
orders do have something to eat. Don't find aristocrats going into 
lower orders' houses to seize their things, Ifmo.— Must inquire 
further touching my old statements ! 


In consequence of numerous complaints from a vast quantity 
of respectable and industrious individuals in the metropolis, 
to the effect thst their taste for floriculture is continually 
exposing them H a system of vexatious annoyance from 
parties who, takmg th ttai g d ^ ws no pleasure in a geranium 
pot, nor deriving «Dy amt» cii|wi from a box of mignionette, 
try to prevent otners inm Mng so either, upon the gi'ouna 
that the cultivation, iii lite streets of London, of the pleasing 
rural art above aJMed to, is a nuisance, the Showman has 
drawn up the fribwing rules and r^gidattoos, to be in all 
cases binding and without appeal c— • 

1. In case any of the nMB hi uMibIi yev flower-pots usually 
stand should be broken or lost, you are i* yorfcet liberty to take 
any china plates or saiitfws ysa catt lay ywr hoaids oh to supply 
their place. 

2. If you do ml {Mtsess a watering-p^l^ aal should not feel 
inclined or hav* the nwilQr to buy <%e, a {W#ter ^t in which you 
have had y«ir teer Ihm a ncighbooring fwblic-house may' be 
advantagfOMy ftftaiaed. 

3. In case tbe paint of the wfai ^ sW is worn away by your 
flower-pots, of coarse you are in no wayseaRed upon to repamt the 
sill. That is the landlord's business, itti mt yours. 

4. It is folly for an individual to sMMs Ibat you are bound to 
make him or her any indemnification v9t hit or nor hat or bonnet 
respectively, which may happen to have been S];)oilt by the water 
with which you were refreshmg your flowers having run over into 
the street below. It is not to he supposed that you can p,iy proper 
attention to your flowers if vou are required to see whether there is 
any one passing or not at tae time you water tliem. 

5. You are perfectly jmtifled in kiclting down stair?, or other- 
wise injuring in whatever manner may Ke in your power, any indi- 
vidual who shall have presumed to pluck a bitd or bloeson from 
any of your plants, under the preteaee t^t he did not see Ihs me of 
keeping flowers unless usmm advantage were deHved from HKtti. 

6. You are not responsible for any accidents whidi itoay result 
from flower-pots blowing down on a stormy day. It is not your 
fault if the wind is high. As to the idea of conferring on the 
police a discretionary power of seeing that all flower-pots are 
properly secured so as prevent their being hurled on the heads of 
the passengers, it is preposterous to entertain it for a single in- 
stant. A measure of this sort is regularly enforced by the rrefect 
of the French police, and therefore every true Briton will resist to 
the utmost of his power any attempt to introduce it into Kngland. 


The Act of Parliament which relates to the sale of heer, 
provides that it shall not be sold until after one oclock on 
Sunday morning, except to travellers. Now as Uie question 
of beer is one which deeply aflfects the whole community, we 
should like to be informea by some member of the Govern- 
ment as to what the definition of a traveller may be. Is it 
necessary in order to be regarded as a travdler, and treated 
(with beer) accordingly, to walk about in a costume such as 
would be worn by one of that favoured class on the stage, 
with a pair of pistols in one's belt, and a trusty servant at 
onc*s heels ? or would it be suflBcient to drive up to a tavern 
in a post-chaise with a heap of luggage and a couple of 
postillions — would this be sufficient to entitle a man to 
a glass of ale ? Some persons affirm, that any one who 
carries a carpet-bag, and looks in a hurry, has a clear title 
to malt liquor. W^, however, have tested the truth of the 
assertion, and were prevented at the outset from maintaining 
our riffhts by the obstinacy of the publican, who coidd not 
be induced to open the door. Probably the commercial 
travellers are the favoured ones. If so, we know several 
medical studenls who would give up their studies and become 
bagmen to-morrow. The privilege cannot belong to the 
members of the "Travellers' Club," or that association 
woidd be more popular. In fact we almost felfat a loss how 
to solve the qiiestion, unless by " solving " it be understood 
the act of loosing it and letting it go. We will conclude by 
putting two quenes to any one who likes to answer them : — 
Is a man who travels from Temple Bar to St. Paiil's entitled 
to beer? and, if dbtance be what is required, coidd 
Thockei'ay, when he started from Comhill to Cairo, have 
stopped at London Brid^^ for the purpose oi obtaining beer 
during church-time; or, at all events, would he have 
obtained it ? 



The Noiii.E Art of;nce,— The beat proof | 
thnt the " noble art of self-ilefencc" is of more real utility l 
than is gencrolly supposcal, is found in tlio &ct thnt tnon; of 
the crew of the "Ocemi Monarch" were ouly saved bv means 
of ipars. 

To RissELi.. — liussell, !n oi-iler to attaiu public farour, 
nms away from London before the tennlnation of the Session- 
Thia will do him no good, althoujili, if an;(ious to get out of 
his financial difficulties, he had hotter " cut hig wood" as 
soon as [losiible. 

SiiocKiso Ikstance of Youthfll DfipRAViTr. — We I 
ore acquainted (unfortuiiatelj) with a joung man who, not 
contented with pUJifii'J hia love the other day, actuallj pro- 
ceeded further and }io]ijH!d the question. 

Sfobtiso Iktelligesce. — Wo underatand that Mr. 
Benjamin Caunt, the eminent piizc-fightcr, inlands visiting 
Kissineen this autumn, previous to tvriling a work on iIk 
\ Spat ta Q&mwf. 

I Strange Akomalt. — An old Jiiily of aw acquaintance 
I is much surni-iseU that <Tovcmmeot are nut iitricter as regards 
1 duelling. Her feciings were greatly slioi;kod at some person 
' lately " clittlltiigiug' anbolejury. 

Notice.— In order to receive tlie full particulars {rata 
\ Doncaater ns aoon aa poaaible, we have ilenpatchcd • clerk to 
I the place, whose cajiabilitiea ol* /loiiiny the Lodger we 

. With the dorit forehead, whose malignant frown 
Calls to the mind a beggar on the town ; 
Whose prayer rejected, off you seo him reel, 
No bread to teed on, mid no spoons to steal. 
To raise his vuii« and hand against the tan's. 
And curse the fate that madenim what he was. — 
A man there ia, whom daily you may meet. 
Stealing with coivai'il's ahulile through the street ; 
RincleU, like Fuiie.^' snakes, bia features grace. 
And eyes that dare not look jou in the face. 
Yet if nis form to favour don t invite. 
If bad the bark — liiere 's w«i'sc behind— the bite. 
Who shall resist, though clothed in strongest truth, 
The tiger's fiorccneis, with the serpent's tooth ? 
Statesmen, beware hia fanes, before you try 'em. 
Or would you 'scape them harmlcaa, you must buy him ! 

A Bow Street Joke,— It was notorious to everybody 
thnt tlie Cliartiats liad no education. It now appears, howerer, 
that some of tlteir leadere were very well "brought-np." 


We li»i-e mught JlolloBny trippiiis;. Tho "Professor," *lio lias 
been for it long time aupportinE himself npon a "bfld leg of many 
Yews' stuiiding," haa at leiiglli broken down. Noy, toplmphrtse 
hi« own ivordii, " Dot nil the nioit remarkable of hu puffii, uay not 
eren the Earl of Aldborongh cured of a bowel and liver complaint, ' ' 
will effect his reBtorotioa. In a moment ofhonesty, from which he 
soon recnvrred, Ilolloway lal«ly introdueed (he poblicto "a wounded 
leg whicli, after tliree years of snfiering, was cured by hid pUlH," or 
elae bv hia ointment, ne really forget which. Now, if the cure was 
not elH.'oted unlil after three yean of «nflering had been tmdcrgone, 
the pills or (he ointment, or both of them, are beginninz to lose 
their cfKcacy ; and if, at the same time, the inventor shooM gain in 
honesty, the result will be most dtsastroas for his buauKss. 

Since wi'itio^ the aba\~e we find that Holloway has come out 
with a "dreti()/nf bad nound," nhich wna cored m less than no 
time ; thii 1^ nil very well, but the paUic will not Ibrjct the case of 
the leg which was only healed " rfltr Ihtee yfari' iiifftHag ! " 



Jppnpritttli/ emitUithtd Conn (print lij /iir hludittf Valitwit 
I. mop bi Mailed Ihnngh all OaokirUiri and Xtmtttniirt, It urAffo 
Subicriben daitvut of complilinf ihtir hU art rtqiialid la mate tailg 
ajiplirntisn far back Bunhri. 

Part. J.,' //., ///., flitJ IV.. prict «., tach, md Part P., price 
7d., computing Volamt I., may ilill be had. 

VbIuwu I. of the pDrFET-SBOH, price it. 6d., in Karl,! tlalh, 
onaiKRlrd KilJl gold dttign and Ullerinf, ii Jiat puUiehtd. 

: PriiM »r WilLux DoiD, of No. n 

J. >i a, da« or vinbUr EmUif^ 

I BUcUHui Eml. !■ tW Cwlj at 



"VERY ono wlio 
reads the daily 
or weekly popera 
must be aware 
thai the Pdppet- 
Sltow ia much 
quoted into all 
reapcctahle jour- 
nals except the 
7'imet and an- 
other print, the 
motives of which 
wc ean easilv un- 
ci erstaud. Even 

of taking Inrgelv 
from our col- 
timos, although 
wo recrct to 
•ay that our 
contem_porai7 baa not the courtesy to own Iho souree from 
which Its wit ifl derived. Unless, however, our contemporary 
hehaves with more honesty we may feel it our duty toohtnin 
an injunction to prevent him from publishing our jokea with- 
out acknowledgment. We have eelected about a doxen 
instances in which tho hunch-backed felon has stolen from 
our columns, and we may add that the cowardly thief has 
robbed us in manv other cases, wliere he boa concealed our 
brilliant paragraims in the aafe obscurity of some long and 
tedious article. The brilliancy of the jokes betrays the thetl, 
and the rascals an discovered, as the beggar was detected, 
from patching his rags with puiple. subjoined is the 
evidence on which any jnry — partial or impartial — would 
convict the deformed wretch : — 

It Ihu i|iwtn Ihat Id Fariii- 

M, tM ti Eptam, SurpUtt wu 

denined to beU Shylaeli.—Pvpfl- 

~' , Junt 3 (pubUabeU on Ibc 

TuufBir picvioui). 

Tuilerin ru, 

And tore off hit wig lib 

FhiHiipe Itma tke 

Q. Whj it there no chui« o 
Comle it Puii bring Kjd) 

And ronnd thalpapi had no ' 


— Pu/ipti-Sliait.MtKbiS. 

LoiD Palheuton td Mk. Bdi^ VucointT Fii-himi 

WEI.--" I Kt Ihu the Qimn hu E. the Eiiouaii Akia 

been inltie hibitorriJiaEOUl in b(r CaMTAMTlMOFLK.— " Y< 

coriage ia the (fleniaun ; ihiilcan- quest Hli Excellency, on 

ool pennJL" . . . ^' f beg Zikewine to Ibe OuremmcDt, to iub 

•dd, Ihu I hiTB obKired niih di»- thiRf-nine irticlei u w 

gast Ihu OenenI Nurim vein a be ; M>d *Im, it his rarlii 

greea MHt, buttoned up. TUi c*d- ence.tsleamtbeCburthC 

Dolbe»imitleJ,~kc.,fe>:,— Puf^J- &c. kc— Punch, May li 

3hov, Mmj S. 

ir it be Noirite for lidia U 
w«T inna orBiitiahmannraclnm, 

wb; should not ge>illei»n be cilled 

inwken lo smoke Bntish ci(m 


Mr. MilcWI, in ■ recent jpeed). 

We niih, honreTcr, lhat thru 

•Uled ih«t hitpeny wu now btslcn- 

Umiltd TrMmtu had adopted *. 

miUkguA. »d thii no. .qipwi to 

gaol— fu«ft, May ao. , 

hm>e been Ihe pnyer imioo— 

The Oennuu bilk of diicudin. 

The iJc* of geuingupamotc- 

ment to ndnai old r.aihci-beJ*, 

adopting one of the >iiieenlb cen- 

whMe grieTanees or wrongs cuino' 

tniy. They would ihow Iheir wi.- 

lie Teij heavily uiion them, Is a nenl- 

lesseicesaofliberiilily. Surely the 

stWot—PuppetSlitv, April 39, 

Oa SUnrday U.llhc SHOWHtn 

We do not wonder at Piirii 

poor Paris oould artnall/ nf 

talented allisi Mr. Bradwell, who 
baa aclnally tnuuporicd the capital 
of France to Iha B/'gent'i PaA. — 
Plifpil-Shm, Maj 13. 

Sur^Uet heal Skploek on 
Dcihy day. Shylack was s 
beaten by £i(fplic< ths followinf 
in the House of Loids, on Ihe Je 

Disabilities Bill-PiDKt.JoneSI 
lilhed on the Tliaridag pre»lou 

For Peoi 

I ihc ' 

il Wrangel 

leswig-HoisleiD. The 

Loudly prufei 


How «a this I 


PuppelSlma, Slay 27. 
: abolitionists maijitain diU 
the Whig setlleinent of the West 
B the 

war.— Punch, Auguil IB. 

with all ltj< h( 

u This 

hl.K>d.—Pupptl-S!Hni!, July a 
The Doke of BueVinghmn 

been obliged tu Siowe h.—Pupptl- 
SliBK, Sepumbci a (published on 
the TurtduM pieiious). 

a "Digest of the Parlie 
DebMei.' We ibould tike 
the author who ean manage 
what no one else could ever : 
—Pupptl^IWK, June 34. 

•oei of e 
July IS. 

vay, r^iud by the 
nd rndulrs— Ihe 
ftc, *c,— PuiieA, 

well u nnloticcn 
causes have led lo Ihe sale of Ibe 
Duke of Buckingham's eOecU at 
Slimc. IliinotgencrJlyknownlhat 
Mr. Dunup hot b«n compelled to 
Stuwe il. — PuneA, Septunber 3 
Ipuliliabodon the ThHrtdat pcerii"' 


On iJ 


e of /S,600 

We hope that H> eoiUy a spcdGc 
will be taund to have effectually 
aided the Commissionen' digestion. 
— PancA , ScpteDiber 3. 

rery pxxl footing, noli 
Jiii ilate of things, for our imcle al 
Berlin hat recovered from Ihe goW, 
tic.-~Puppfl-Sheie, .\pril I. 



famil J hare in 
Ld ill Ihe drplnmUio aHuintmesli of 
Ihe cuuutry,— PuaeA, September 3. 

have Relaiiona tt Borne. — I'iBuk, 
[N.B.— This lart joke, be it ob- 

The Punch writers say that thqr can't understand our 
jokes. We lieel assured that the world will admit that they 
" lake " them fast enough. 

Leoal Ratlleiit.— Justice Pollock comphuned on the 
bench to one of his brethren of a head-ache, on which the 
other immediatdy assured him he was a "wiseocher." 

lupuDEKT Inqdirt. — A correspondent is infarmed that 
he camiot with jusdce declare our fittle Whig Premier to be 
m want of money, becanae he happens to be "very short!" 

SoPBiSTiCAL Excuse. — A lady of our acquaintance 
borrowed a bottle of aromatic vineaar, which she forgot to 
return, on which the owner taxea her with it in a most 
passionate manner, asserting tliat there was nothing sur- 
prising in his thus falling into a violent (viol lent) rage. 






" Comedy of Errors — " As Sir Robert P<^el observes 
iofkimself witli a wiuk, when reviewing the Whig proceed- 
ingB of the Session. 

'* As You Like It — " As everybody observes of the 
Poppet- Show's wit. 

"Much Ado about NoTHiNfl — "As sensible persons 
ttay of Punch's llhaminated Title Page, and puffing advertise- 


The lovers of English literature, in studying its beauties in 
the Sunplement of the Times of August 31st, must, like our- 
fielves, have been struck with the ibUowing advertisement :— 

SERYANT. — An active middle-aged man wishes for a 
Situation as Sbbvant to a single lady w gentleman. He can be 
lugli^ recofDmended, besides giving sccuiitf to the amount of X2fiOO or 
j68,000 of his own money. Ice., Ice. 

it appears to us that this "aetfve naiddie-ogecl man*' 
nust be a very curious one ; but we, in this instance, are 
quHe as curious as himself. Wlio can the individttal pos- 
sibly be that thus ofi^ £2,(m or ^3,000 of his own 
•mon^ as security ? — Who, we repeat, can it be ? and Echo, 
te eur great dissatisfaction, answers *' who?*' and nothing 

Can it be M. Guizot in disguise ? Is thai celebrated 
statesman so desirous to re-don the livery for which he 
^evinced such a partiality in his fiight from Paris, that he 
actually offers ^2,000 or ^£3,000 to enable him to do so ? 

Or is it some confidential clerk, who after having 
amassed the ^'2,000 or J^3,000 at the expense of his health, 
in a close pent-up office in some back court, wishes to 
eoEobanj^ the latter for a more '* airey*' situation ? 

Or IS the whole but a stratagem of some scion of a noble 
house, tired of the heartlessness and depravity of fashionable 
^ft, to conceal his real station, and enter some family where, 
liloe a second Lord of Biu*leigh, affirming that 

" He is bat ared-plushed lackey," 

^cmay gain the hand of his master's daughter, after having 
first squeezed it vehem(>ntl3r while extendinsr to her the usual 
glass of Barclay and Perkins' Entire at dinner, or helping 
her into her carriage on an Opera night ? 

But waiving for the present all considerations of this 
"middle-aged man's" personality, we may be allowed to 
indulge in a few surmises as to the course this Crcesus in 
velveteens will pursue upon being lucky enough to hear of a 
mtuation. Will he send his solicitor to draw up the condi- 
tions on which he deigns to accept the place, and that being 
done, will he so far oegrade himself as to dine without wine, 
or eat cold meat for supper ? 

We are acquainted with several young gentlemen who 
have serious ideas of proceeding to the Cape, or New South 
Wales, partly because they have a wi.-h to get away from 
certain troublesome ci-editors, and partly to enjoj the 
amusement of shooting kangaroos or natives — it is imma- 
terial which — and of drinking tea or ardent spirits in the 
bush, occupations which they fervently believe to constitute 
the greater portion of the occupations of a settler in those 
colonies. Now for these young men we are of opinion that 
this is an eligible opportunity. They mi^ht enga^ this 
excellent domestic, even suppoj^ing they had not originally 
intended taking a valet with them. They might also kindly 
consent to take care of their humble follower's £2,000 or 
£3,000 ; and seeing that he appears to leave it to the option 
of the master which sum it shall be, we should say the latter 
would be preferred. The onlv obstacle to this arrangement is, 
that the ** middle-aged man ' misrht require a good character 
of his master, before he engaged Ww, and this being a luxury 
not always deemed indispensable in good society, the general 
ruck of masters might find sMiie difficulty in satisiying the 
foolish fellow's demands. 

All the cooks are exclaiming that the potatoes are not 
worth boiling. This is a very oad sign, as it proves that 
they are not ** fit even to go to pot." 



His Honour the Showman examined. 

Chaikm AN. ^Miat doTou consider the principal «>b8tacles in the 
way of public businr'ss ? — The inrlolenct* ana incapacitjr of ministers, 
the Ktammering blunders of Bentinck, the prolix Terl>o6ity of 
Urquhort^ the stolid perseverance of Anitcij, and the superfiuous 
personality of Disraeli. 

Sir Kobert Peel. Are you acquainted with the proceedings 
of other eminent debating societies besides the Hooae of ConuDons ? 
— Yes, with those of CogfT*» Hall. 

Sir Robert Peel. How is dispatdi f^bmmtm brought about 
in that celebrated assembly ? — When a l ac Mib ai' of the House haa 
been too long on bis legs there is a genend ery of *' Walker/' and 
"Stow it," and the speaker is sliced "if lie knows what he is 
talking about ?'* This is found cflbdMaL 

Sir James Graham. WiMit stvps arc taken in the evpnt of a 
gentleman coming down flusbid wilh tipple, as sometimes happens 
m another place ? — He i« rcmmnA fay the waiter. 

Mr. Disraeli. Are re p orte r s allowed to be present? — Yes, if 
they choose to order half-and-half^ or a go of spirits of any kind. 

Mr. Cobdbn. What is the usual standard of oratory there? — 
The wor^-informed speaker is nvire accurate than Bentinok, and 
the dulleAt more brilhant than Blr. John 0*C(mnelI. 

The above iuinutea of eridence were tahen af^ the 
exaroinatioii of M. Guiaot, and eoDorciMd cvoBiderable 
influence on the Comooittee. 


"A Jocks y" enquires IsXonl B«niinok a rocmber of the PortUod 
family ? Yes ; we once heard a caiamiuoiu)y'«Ufipoaed perMm mj be was 
the •* leg •• of it 

In answer to his commimicalion to ihe Showman, K. Louis Biaac is 
informed that he is wrong in supposing the Irish to be cannibals, becaose 
they are partial to ** a broth of a boy." 



It is with shame and disgust that we have obaenred in the 
newspapers, of late, how last the Police Force is becomingr 
an organised brutality. Scarcely a yreek passes with- 
out their committing some oflfence which disgusts every- 
body but the magistrates. Boys are bruised by theur 
ferocity, women insulted by their ruffianism; and that 
which brutality has done, perjury denies, and magisterial 
stupidity su^ra to go unpunished. Something must be 
done to check this growing nuisance, for it is utteny impossi- 
ble that it can be tolerated in a civilized town. 

The whole body is corrupt. A policeman may be seen 
setting himself up as a judge in the comers of the streets, 
and calling on men of the lower orders for evidence. They 
may further be seen as executioners thrashing the boys ; and 
if any humane person interferes, he at once becomes the 
object of their ferocity in the street, and of their lies in 
the Court. 

They are open to bribery, as is very well known, and may 
all be bought — like so much manure — by a liberal pui chaser. 
No ni^ht passes in London that some offence is not com- 
promised oy their venality ; nor a morning^ that some 
other is not exaggerated by their falseliood. They are the 
natural enemies of the poor, and the festering discontent of 
the masses is kept at fever pitch by the provocation they 

What are the magistrates about that they do not see to 
this state of things? Are the guardians of the peace of the 
country, to be the only villains unpunished in it? One would 
think that lying and brutality would be naturally repulsive to 
a gentleman ; but somehow magistrates get indiiferent, as 
tallow-chandlers become habituated to the filthy odours 
attendant in the carrying out tlieir trade operations. 

The fact is, the magistrates are a body of briefless barristers 
appointed by party dishonesty. None know better the bad 
state of things, but they will not amend it And " police 
brutality' is fast becoming one of our most *' venerated 




Mr. Has^» the member for Paisley, not having given 
satisfaction, has been called on by his constituents to resign. 
This the Hon. Gentlemen has refused to do, proving that, as 
far as his resignation is concerned, Hat^tie will be rather 

John O^Conoell has issued a whining address beseeching 
the Repealers to save Conciliation Hall. We think he 
might be contented by this time, as it has proved a pretty good 
haul for him, and one by which he has netted a tcJerably 
neat sum. 

W. J. Fox is stich a man for " progress'* and ** moving 
with the age" that he requires all his payments to be made 
in advance. 

The Ministerial party in the Frendi Assembly ardently 
desire to i^et A. Fould returned for one of the vacant seats. 
We ar« very much afraid that, milike Hamlet, they will not 
** he/ooUd to the top of their bent" 

the dinner lately given by the ** Vegetarian Society'' 
fst other dishes there was a great deal of " flummery. " 

amongst other dishes there was a great 
This, we suppose, was the spaeclMS made oa the oecasion. 

The freedom ef the city of Aberdeen has been presented 
to Prince Albert in a box. We hope the box was not locked, 
for i'reedom is a thing which no one can find the key to. 

The man who was apprehended instead of O'Donoghue 
says, that he feels much insulted at having been taken for a 

It is asserted that several actors, formerly of the Hav- 
market Theatre, are about to engage Prury Lane. We hope 
it will not turn out that, having agreed to take it, they have 
only taken it to d^agree. 

The papers make a great fnss about Prince Albert having 
been presented with the freedom of Aberdeen, as if there 
were anything extraordinary in His Royal Highness leaving 
thatcitv** Scot-free." 

We see that Rachel is declining in popularity in conse- 

Suence of havinjj sung the MarseiilaUe, the favourite air of 
le Red Republicans. We should be v< ry sorry to hear of 
her reputation " going for a mere song." 

The SUmimrd, speaking of the resignation of Dr. Lee, 
Regius Professor of Hebrew at Cambridge, says that ** he is 
far away the best Hebrew scholar of the day. * So he may 
be ** far away" — at Timbuctoo, for instance^but is he in 
England ? 

Louts Napoleon has again offered himself as a candidate 
for the department of the Seine. Bearing in mind his con- 
duct on one or two occasions, we should decidedly say he is 
far better adapted for the department of the insane. 

Since the report of Austria's acceptance of the Anglo- 
Gallic mediation, her enemies pretend that her ruin is in- 
evitable. Nothing, they say, can \iv< very long which, as 
is her case, is once going to seed (cede). 

A friend of Mr. Anstey's observed the other day that 
that gentleman's talent for speaking was greatly resfected. 
This is true ; for no sooner do most persons perceive the 
Hun. Member approaching than, not content with taking 
their hats off as to ordinary individuals, they albO take them- 
selves off as quickly as possible. 


Ki^—*' Lord LovtUr 

Lord Russell stood at St. Stephen's gate. 

And the Puppbt-Show did read. 
When up came the Whig ministry. 

To wish their Premier good speed, speed, speeds 
To wish their Premier good speed. 

" Where are you goin;^. Lord Russell ?" they said ; 

"Where are you going?" said they. 
** To Ireland and Scotland, my ministry, 

My carcase I *m going to convey, vey, vey. 

My carcase, **'&c. 

" When will yon be back. Lord Russell ?'* they said ; 

"When will you be back ?*' said they. 
*' In a month, or two, or three at most, 

I Ml retium to my ministry, atry, strv, 


But he ha^l gone a month and a-half 

Stransre countries for to see. 
When thouirbts carae into bis thick, thick head, 

His Ministry he would see, see, see. 

His Ministry, &c. 

So with haste, and with h.iste, like a jackass fleet. 

He came to London town. 
And then he heard the cries of joy. 

While the people were smiliDg around, round, round,* 

And the people, &o. 

" Oh, what is the row V* liord Russell he said, 

•• Oh. what is the row ?" said he. 
" A great humhus: is dead,** the people replied, 

'* And some call it the Whig Ministry, stry, stry,** 

*' And some call it," &c 

And he wandered down the streets so wide. 

And at Charing Crons turned down. 
And wept when he came to Downing Street, 

For he felt he 'd been done quite brown, brown, lirown. 

For he felt, &c. 

The Ministry died at it might be to-day. 
Lord RuMsell he died on the morrow ; 
. The Ministry died from despair and from shame, 
Lord Russell from ditto pUu sorrow, ror, rorrow ! 

Lord Russell, iec^ 

The Ministry all were then placed on a shelf. 

Lord Russell enjoye<l the same bier. 
And their epitaph was hut one word of contempt, 

liOrd RuHsell's a general sneer, sneer, nneer, 

Lord Russell's, &c. 

These fa»*om*s increased to a terriWe pitch, 
'J'ill men's rage could scan'C grow any higher. 

And then were united the epitaphs twain. 
For ail humbugs and Whigs to admire, ire, ire. 

For all humbugs, ktk 

* Thit rhyme afipeara inonrrect. We, howerer,. have the aaUiorilf of 
the original for making use of it 


[ByG. A. a^B-.k-t] 

Wr once knew a tradesman. He was a man of most 
peculiar liabita, ainl had 8uch a habit of giving the Fack to 
nid ai^sistnntA that it was ^nerally reported that he was a 
Saxon by birth. In his chddhood the only sport that had 
any channs for him was jumpinj; in packs ; while, nt a 
ninturer age, he drank nothing but sack, and when in 
distress would mourn in sackcloth and ashes. His only 
accomplishment was playing the Saxhorn. He was con- 
tinually selling off hia goods, which consisted entirely of 
sacks and saccharine matter, at an enormous sacrifice, and 
once, just for the fun ot the thing, actually committed 
saciilege ; besides which, he had actually been present at 
the sacking of a town. He lived \\m. eul de sao, and when 
he died merely requested that he might be buried in a m» 


; piuldliDg I 

CHAPTER X.— The 'Bote Bhidoe Boats. 

wood — two-penny , peanr, and 
half-penny — wliieh eHenply 
oonreys our friends the cock- 
nejH from the massive pien 
of London Bridge, and nu the 
roar, and amoke, and smother 
of the Citj-, up-stream to 
the swampy and iriUow-clad 
domains of Battcraea. and the 
eliihshaded fagodeof Cbelwa. 
All hail, we any, to these 
- smoking, and shrieking;, and 
'iling rirer omnibusses! 
f far preferable to their 
cousins apon fom- wheels. 
which loiter, and rumble, and 
r.ig-tug, and wait, between 
ilrde Park Corner and the 
Bftuk. Who would crawl along the Poultry, listening 
to the loud but monotonous oratorv of the conductor, 
addressed to lawful tmrellers from the City to the West- 
end ; who would squeeze himself into a smotherin;; 
omnibus, among crusty old ftentlemen and crummy old 
ladies, when he oould proudly pace the deck of Citizen 
Grocer or Citizen Haberdasher, as the gallant captain 
mounts the paddle-box, and the gallant ateomhoat-boy 
shouts "MoTO 'er a-he&-i-id — go hon," and the gallant 
stoker gives a pull to one iron handle, and a shove to 
another, and the gallant paddles begin to whirl, and the 
gallant tout eniembU moves steadily away from the busy 
rendezvous at Dyer's Wharf. 

Thus embarked on the world of London waters, let 
us glance at our fellow- voyagers. The gentleman with 
the green cut-away coat, and knowinslv-tied Joinville, 
and patent-leather Doots, and while kia gloves, is a rich 
and' flourishing gent on 'Change. He is on Ills war to 
his " little place down in Surrey," which, when he does 
not drive his dog-cart, he attains through the medium of 
our favoured steamer and the Southampton Rdlway. He 
is given to the smoking of cigars and to talking of the 
odds. Ho wears much lewellery, and is skilful in regard 
to doing "a bit of sti^." Near him is a fat, elderiy 
gentleman, fresh from his counting-house in the City, and 
on his way to his private place of sojourn, beyond the 
suburb of Chelsea, Ue reads Uie miscellaneous intelli- 
gence in the 7iniM, havinv only had time in the morning 
to cast his eye over the City article. Under liis scat are 
two small hampers ; one contains a couple of nines, the 
other a lobster. Altogether It is a comfortable old genUe- 
mau, whoso ^aIne, if not great, is cood in the Citj ; and 
perehance. as our captain touches his glazed hat respect- 
fully to him, he is one of the directors of the company in 
whoee boat we are proceeding. 

But here comes Blockfriars Bridge, and the paddles 
Bt«p. We receive on board additional passengers — to wit, 
four clerks, in sliarp- pointed hoots, from an Insurance 
Office in Bridge Street (all clerks in Insurance OfBces 
wear aharp-pomted boots— the fact is as well known as 
that all coal-merchants keep yachts); two rowing gents 
from the city, in white trowsers made very clumsily — a 
style of manufacture which appears requisite for rowing 
men — with rough pea-jackets and straw hats, on tlieir 
way to Searle's ; two fat ladies and three thin ones, who 
have been shopping all day in St. Paul's Churchrard ; 
a servant-girl, in a yellow bonnet and red gown, out for 
the afternoon ; a gent with a cigar, and a gentess, who 
gives little screams as the steam pu9s and roars, and 
giggles exceodingly ; and a tired town traveler with a 
moreen bag^full of )>atlenis, who directly Nts down and 
makes entnea in an over-ftdl memorandum-book, with a 
fat pencil. 

We then continue our voyage to the Temple Pier, 
where we are reinforced by a snuffy-looking gentleman, 
his coat collai' very white and powdery, and wearing an 
ill-washed white handkerchief and plaid trowsers. A 

glance at the man shows the harrister on his waj to 
Westminsler. The gentleman who has strode from the 
gangway sturdily up to the eitreme bow, end who, 
planting himself agamst the windlass, puts his hat upon 
the deck and opens his mouth in a regular husiness-like, 
systematic fashion, as if lie were determined to lose not a 
cubic inch of anv of the fresh air going, is evidently come 
aboardfor that pleasant and ncedhil thing, "ablowon the 
river." You mny see that ho is anliahitiie. He nods to 
the captain, knows the rowing men, and calmly scmtiniies 
either bank, and the craft floatbg past, withthe air of a 
man thoroughly used to them. 

By this time Hnngerford apnears, and a &mily gtonp 
consisting of a portly red-facea man, in ill-maoe foA 
clothes, anorei^dressed woman, awfully fussy and anxioUB- 
looking, three grown-up daughters, 'fresh] rosy-kiokiBg 

lasses, and a fat boy who hold^ mamma's hand — this 
group, I say, after a short consultation with the captain, 
bustle exceedingly and prepare their tickets, with the 
intent of landing. They are countiT folks up in town 
sight-seeing, and after having been through St. Paul's — ~ 
upattbecross, of course — and havingseen theBank.and 
the Royal Exchange, and been up the Monument— all 
' ' I, who broke down half-wav, and sat upon a 

igiy cool step of the stone stairs until the rest 
1 — having, I say, seen all these i%markable and 
ivo sights, tlie family in question hod proceeded to 
London Bridge with the tntentioti of taking shipping for 
tlieTunnel, mien unhappily the papa's ideas of Uie points 
of the compass having become rather conglomerated, the 
travellers mistook up the river for down. Now, however, 
they are deposited snugly in a Greenwich steuuer, con- 
signed to the especial care of the commander. 

OS from Hungcrford, with a largo addition to our 
freight of passengers — to wit, a few more rowing men; 
more gents, escorting more gcnteaacs, and drinking stout 
for'ard ; two or three timtd and nervous-looking young 
ladies, who carry parcels and keep their eyes fixed on the 
deck; a woman with eight children who are always getting 
lost about the steamer ; a couple of sporting gents with 
a gim-case, hound to the Red House for the extermina- 
tion of pigeons and spanvws — on elevating and manly 
sport ; two or three working men with bundles of tools ; 
and a gentleman calling himself on " arteest." who Cttts 
profiles out of black paper at the small charge of one 
penny per head. 

At Westminster Bridge, the snufiy barrbtcr and two 
or three prim clerks with parehments under their 
arms walk briskly ashore. The two fiit ladies, who 
intended to have landed here, not having perceived 
the bridge — after the manner of fat ladies, or, for 
that matter, of ladies in general — ontii the steamer 
has passed it, are in despair, and take no part in the 
generol criticism passed upon the New Houses of Pariia- 
mcnt. The Stock Exchange gent tliinka them " ' 



Sood" — the old Citv merchant thinks nothing on the subject — 
le young ladies consider them "oh mv — bo nice!' — the 
gentesses giggle and hftve no opinion — the ordinary gents 
con^der tl^m stunning — the sporting g^its hold them to be 
heneath their notice — the woman witn eight children don't 
know nuffin about them, nor don't care, ny-(A«r-*lhe 
gentleman come for a blotr on the river Bhakea hie head 
and has his own opinion — and an artist on his way to his 
Btudiu at KonsinKton thinks thcra trivial, frittered, and 
laboriouBly ineffective. 

At Nino Elms wc iose the irreater numlter of our pas- 
sengers, and they in turn generally lose tite train. A rapid 
run up Battersea Reach and we set ashore the sportmg 
gents, who proceed to tlie enclosure, from which every now 
and then you hear the crack of a gun, and see a pigeon 
which has jnst soared above the palinsB tumble down again, 
to tbo disappointment of the tribe of Bponing blncliguard! 

who ban" round the enclosure with guns, in the hone of a 
chance shot at a stray bird which may have escaped the first 
legitimate discharge. 

But we ore still gazing back at the classic arena when 
the paddtes stop, the steam whistles shrilly up, and we see 
the fair CIterne Walk, with its fine, high, many- wind owed 
hoQiM, Koi lofty embowering trees, and dancing wherries, 
and lonngers on the bank, and the next moment tlie Citizen 
is moored at the pier. The passengers have gone off each 
his own way, and the gallant captain and his crew are 
refreshing their frames with beer. 

8 AL'M'BntB— Laurie after a dip at r>amsgato. 

Louis BLANe has written to the Tinui, saying that if tbe 
Engliah public wish to give a dinner to him, he shall, ueTer- 
theless, not attend it, becau-^ehe does not desire to get up aa 
agitation in this country ; in fact, is unwilling to perform 
t>ifi part of hero in an English revolution, which (were it not 
that it is dishonourable todo bo in a country where onehas Sed 
for refuge) he has no doubt be could oirange at tlie shortest 
notice. In our opinion, Louis Blanc will not attend a 
dinner of the tind to which he alludes, not so much because 
be is afraid of causing an agitation which, when we consider 
the kind and tbe number of persons who believe in M. Loui* 
Blanc, would, of course, be of the most terrific iiatnro— aa, 
for the simple reason that tbe entertainment will not be 
given. M. Louia Blanc may enjoy the pity of tha English 
for his misFoi-tunes, and their admiration far his wrltinM, 
but they have no sympathy with him on account o( nia 
principles and his doctrines, which they look upon as ahsurd 
and already exploded. Nor has M. Louis Blanc ever shown 
much warmth of affiistion, or even cordiality of friendship 
for the English; and we really are astonished that he should 
reject the imasinary invitation to the fabulous dinner from 
any reason than the simple one, that thc7 are a nati^i 
without ideas. But Louis Blanc 'a notion anout hsring ft 
dinner given to him is not a novel one. Mr. Sergeant War- 
ren—a man of powerful imagination — fancied, during tha 
period of the last geneeal election, that the voters of Uurjlo- 
boiie ponied to have him tor a representative, and sent torth 
a document to an aetoiuiilwd world stating that ho rmlly 
must decline Btondino;, ■■ a great many of the persons to 
whom such fash ion able» M himself would naturally look for 
support were out of loan at that sea!U)n of the year. We 
suggest that M. Blano-and Ser^;eant Warren be requested to 
imauiue invirations of all descriptions between themselvea, to 
decline them between themselves, and to keep the partienlsn 
between themselves ; thus the public will be spai-ed a gowL 
deal of absurdity, and tlMaiat:lves a good deal of ridicule. 

More than even the bliss with which haaTcn repays 

Love to parents, in Anstey's long yoiriB we command. 
For 'tis not, aa the promlee says, merely our " days," 

But oiu- nights that be Mrvea to " make Ions in tke land." 


dux» and oatvpillara omergfi after a Bhm.,_ ._ 

JuhnM^tbaCnolhingwiil do bid R^ped, just when Hepeel 
has been proved impossible, and oalls on trie Irish to work 
for it. juU when the Irish have shown that they 'II do nothing 
of tlie BsrtL Bra»o, John ! 

After ffraBdiloqiunt b^ble ohaU Iiriand in his mani- 
festo. h*d™iB.dowti BoddcBly witii the homely fact that 
Conciliation Hnll anil the pra mi eas mmt- speedily be sold up 
andcloBad! In fact, dutotfiiir is in^iUmt; lying is at a 
discount; brafc ho* bseoms a drug; and Joiin an article 
that nobody will buy. 

John whines about tbe reheU, hnt it w«s John thit 
helped them into their present plight. John and his family 
excited tiie |wopIe till they ■mre nenrly ready, aiid then the 
rebels stepped in to help, and completed the job. John 
brayed, and when the time came fur kicking, Inilted. 

John threatened the other day to lenvo the country for 
ever, and added ns a piece <if gi^. that he would take his 
father's bones with him. What a filthy instance of profane, 
unhallowed, and diRirustin;,'ly bod taste! He evidently 
thou;^ht that he would pick something handsome out of the 
bones, ond we firmly believe that ii In- could get a few copiiers 
fay rattling them about at the Irish fairs, hf would set about 
it as actively aa an Ethiopian serenader. This brutal threat 
showed the nature of the man. Poor Dnniel O'Conncll ! 
You had yourfaulta, like other great men; hut surely, surely, 
of hereditary beggars 

to have produced such a d 
has been punishment enoi 

FGHOCiOtis CoKDCCT. — Not oMitent w«th endeavourtBjt 
to strip Laniartine of all merits aft ft-atateman, an eveni^ 
contemporary has actually gOR* ea br m to attack tbe 
Herald for proclaiming l^e OKminiBtBr the inventiir (f the 
Ode in FrauM, Thia isv to Mjr til* leaM, very odiom 

A EiKiwiHo DoDav. — OurUttatum has been attracted 

of late to tlie mare tlian usually numaMUia advertisements lur 

Gentjanaii's oaft-off Wearing Ap^Mrel." We were Eer 

BOiM time at a, lorn to aoeount tor this, tmtil we disconred 

that the inerMM in Uiair number was cbom^ by Loid G. 

Bentinek, who had ordered his agents t 

buy up as csten- 

siraly aa noenhla in tha hopes that, aroof^ tHfaer artidett he 
iglitvfalk' ' ' -■''-" II-- I---- 

LrmuAT AMEcnon.— The editor of smMwttUwnewa. 
gtafter, witen nwsKOd in a contest with a o«1«n defnoct 
loumai.used to be always bragging that be was conriderably 
in advance of the Aga. 

Cadbe »nd Effect. — Mr. Shaw Lefcvre states that it 
is the " lorrns" of the Ilou^e which are ilie cause of the idle 
talk. This is very true, as the uienibers ore usually stretched 
at lull length ou them. 

EflO-iit'ST AND Adeurditt.— A fiirlniglit since wehonotvcd 

one Kiiwnrds — nn inventor cif a certain egg-dust orpondCT. vliich. if 
ju'liciiiislj wl u|>un hj an experienced hen, will, <te belie™, produce 
fricniwciil chickens — with an alliiBion to iiim in our columns. Mr. 
Kilwnrih kimwi ihst n sarcasm from the Sbowman is ns terril'le 
as a ihonilerbiilt fnitn Jupiier: but he nugl be toli! that it does 
not ruUow. ns lie mippiiBCs, thai because he (Edwards, tiol Ju[Hter) 
is re&rred to in punt fun, therefore his chanicter, trpdit, and buu- 
ni'n will he nttcrly mined. The fkct is, we know nothing about the 
KJwankinqneMiQn.^bDt were qieaknigorB very different pcnoD. 







With nafeigMd gr\^, we Sad oum^fCB beand to Admit that a great 
nuBkber asd Ttriety of abmes and impartineaoes kave crept into 
tkh oIlHrwtte aDmmodioas and deligiiAAil vehicle ; to the pointing 
oat tmd. cure wfaiereof, this our second pari nvBl he right eamedtlj 


''Sitting 84|iuDre,'* or ''aittinff widc^" otherwise known as the 
romntf dodgt^ m an elegant methoa of rtidcing oat the elbows, and 
wideaiag the oaoe between the •iuwca» so as to occupy as nmch 
room as possme. aad to msdie the uitfbrtonate persons who sit 
«e3ct, on saoli side, wrotohedfy nncoioibrtable and close — jammed, 
if Dotiulf snflbcatad. Reasoning wonldbe lost npon anybody who 
could do such a .thing : the best remedy (next to a dig in the side) 
is to eaH the attention of the whole omnibus to the fact. 


This method, also known as the tUmimtdieuiar dodge^ is of the 
same se16sh family as the foregoing, and is yet more detestable, 
becmise it is generally practisea with a most provoking appearance 
of unconsciousness, as though it were merely on easy and negligent 
attitude — whersBS, the unworthy denizen of a civilized community, 
who only pays for a single seat, is aotnoll^r occupying a seat and 
three-quarters, and thus distributing a fraction of misery to each of 
his felJow-travellerB on the same side. 


These ought to become limitation to the size of these articles, 
or some extra charge, since a gentleman in two or three coats 
(perhaps with the pockets full), and a lady in four petticoats, with 
Mtstle to match, and a thick Welsh whittle, with (Ur-tippet and boa, 
'miovoidabhr occupy nearly double their natural Khare of the seat. 
HMy-Bhooid pay accordingly. On the same principle, all extremely 
corpuknt pec^e should pay an extra fkrt, regulated by a scale of 
neasnreraeiit ; and extremely thm people, on leaving the omnibus, 
CB|^ to reoeive a small doucmr ibr thtir unmerited sufferings, and 
aa OB ^nneuragcniCBt. - 


Let ns suppose thirteen people inside, each with a wet umbrella. 
Did any one ever witness the phenomenon of a single person placing 
hia uaibreUa tin«kmeath the seat ? No ! — or by the rarest chanoe. 
once. These thirteen umbrellas are all held iJolt upright between 
the knees, which they wet ; while the ferrule drips a paddle for 
the feet to rest in. 


No terms of reprehension can be too strong for the hasty 
entrance of a peraou with an umbrella, parasol, or walking-stick, 
held point- foremost^ as if making a charge, in order to take a place 
by an nssault at the visual or nasal organs of the alarmed and 
peaceful company there assembled. 


Hnge linen^apers' poroels, carpet bags, and bags of miscel- 
laneous articles, probably for a small retail trade in the suburbs, 
are nuisonoe enough ; but we have it recorded among our painful 
experiences, that Imskcts of greens, clothes-bo^ets, and bundles of 
•'tasc odour,** are sometimes squeezed in by shameless elderly 
women, who think it a sufficient excuse if they carry their things in 
their laps with embracing arms — thus occupying the midtlle. or 
breathing-space, of the vehicle. We have even known a sailor 
bring his bi'dding in, after coolly shoving a tor-bucket under the 
seat ; and it is w3l known that Greenncre carried Mrs. • • • • 
in two parcels, at different times, held on his knees, as he sat 
smiling plaoidhy on bis fellow-travdlcrs. 

[The Showman, borrowing a hint, for 
individual ju^4 quoU^, bos " cut up " the 
and left only the heads to ^>eak for tl 

tlwii Bl wi ous 










[The wnmindgr must be given entire.] 


No right-minded person will take, or giro ofifenM, aitfai»<Qcercise 
of the maternal of9ce in silencing a clamorous >'oioe hj natural 
nutriment : hut a puhlic exhibition of pap-boots, and milk bottles, 
or a messing with plum-bms and moistened spongc^iakes, are 
open to an unmitigated denunciation. 


The best lovers of fhn are equally open to good feeling ; and 
there is nothing that can do more honour to a good joke-maker 
than to hccome serious when a really serious claim to his considera- 
tion and assistance presents itselil 


However doctors may disagree on this suhject, most certain it 
is that fevers of various kinds nre often caught in on omnibus ; so 
is the small-pox ; so are the measles : and a variety of other diseases, 
which bring us to the next question, which is manifestly a very 
important one in omnibtis-travelling. 


Whoever sits at the further end of the vehicle haa a right to let 
down any wiudmv near him, though it certainly plaoes those below 
him in a thorough draught. Those who sit in the middle part of 
the omnibus have a riuht to resist this, if they choose ; but those 
who sit nejir the door nave no such right, imless thev first offer to 
change places, and it is declined. Good sense and right feeling 
can always accommodate matters — only the misfortune is that 
no sense and rank selfishness too often iittrude themselves among 
well-meaning people. 


Foul airs, vile odours, infections, and fatal fevers — we repeat 
it — are often found in an omnibus A close hot day, with a cold 
east wind, and there sit the packed-up sufferers half sufibcated, vet 
naturally drcadmg to open a window which would pUoe all below 
it in a tnorough dmught--certain to produce colds, sore throats, kc. 
Now, we shall tell you how to obtain a perfect ventilation on the 
hottest day. Open all the windows, if you like as much air, on one 
sitle — namely, the leewanl side (all the windows on the windy side 
being kept up), and then order the conductor to put up his wooden 
door-window, or rather shutter, at the other end. Ilere you will 
have a perftctly vCwy omnibus, the amount of air exactly regulated 
by the number of windows you choose to let down, yet without the 
possibility of a draught affecting anybody. This is the true science 
of omnilnis ventilation, simplified ; and if you con get thirteen 
English people to ogree to it, you will be a very clever fellow. 





. Auguslua Philips WHS walk- 
ing discon«)lal«lf in the en- 
cloBureof St Jftmea' Park, 
ontheStliof June, 1B47. 
Now this is a fact which, 
at Hisht, may &{ 
■ readcre of very 
consequence, but we hope 
that OQ their becoro i ug better 
ncijuainted with Mr. AuguB- 
' tus Philips, tliey will uke 
a ditfercut view of the 
inatter, experience liaying 
taught ui that the veriest triflca attain a degree of impor- 
tance quite astonishing, «hen they relate to celebrated 

It is on this princi)>]o tliat the public feci such an 
intoiBO interest in knowing whether ller Majesty took her 
before or after brealtfaet, or 

radish with his roast beef, and whether ne 

>r merely scraped in the 

ve^table manufactured into a 
more ordinary manner. 

Mr, AnguEtua Philips, then, was a joime gentleman of 
about five-and-twenty, iiossessiug an agreeable exterior nnd 
a set of chambers in toe Temple. iTis parents had been 
dead some years, leaving him at the age of one-and-twenty 
an annual income of two hundred pounds. With this he 
determined to follow the law, and accordingly, after having 
sedulously attended all the theatres and other amusements of 
the metropolis, and, which we had almost forgot to mention, 
oaten his terms with laudable regularity in Hall, was, in due 
course of lime, received a member of the lion. Society of 
the Inner Temple. 

Besides the two hundred a-year before mentioned, Mr, 
Philips' fnther had also left htm a brother about four years 
younger thou himself to take care of. 

Tttis young gentleman having shown a most marked 
predilection for first trying the force of prussic acid, arsenic, 
and other intereatinz ]K>isonB, on any unfortunate cots which 
might happen to fall in his way, and then cutting them up 
in the most approved fashion anerwords, was pronounced by 
competent judges to have a decided vocation for the noble 
art of surgery, aitd wos articled to a medical man accord- 
On the expiration of his apprenticeship he entered at 
one of the principal London llosriitals, where he soon 
distinguished himself by a most diligent attendance on a 
place of entertaiument near at hand, vulgarly entitled a 

The uanw of tliis incipient jEsculaniuB wm Cbaries, 
but by his friends he was more genenOly disdnzuished as 
the " Pilot." on apjiellation which he owed to the fact of 
his generally appearing in a sort of pilot coat, yeij shaggy, 
very short, and very thick, besides being studded down the 
front by two rows of large wooden buttons. On his head he 
mostly wore an oilskin cap, while his legs were encased 
in ratlier tight-fitting trowsers, held down by rather long 

As regards his moral character, the Pilot was particu- 
larly partial to tobacco, whether in the form of the aristo- 
cratic cigar, orin tliebowlof themorehumble, and, tousehis 
own term, more " congenial clay," patromaed malt liquor to 
a considerable extent, and in questioning the prettier out- 
patients who came under his care as to dieir complaint, 
never failed asking their name and address as two of the 
most important symptoms. 

On the Tth of^ June, 1647, the Pilot had returned from a 
trip to Rams^ate. 

It was this trip which caused his brother Augustus to 
walk about the Fork in the disconsolate manner we described 
on settinf^ out, and as it moreover exercised a great influence 
on the said Mr. Augustus' after-prospecta, we shall dedicate 
an espenal chapter to its narration. 

CuAFTEB 11. — The Pilot's Visit to Rav scats. 

" Guizi, my boy," said the Pilot to his brother, as they 
sat one momlng at breakfast in the lattor'a chambers, "I 
am going to Runagate." 

" Alone !" asked Augustus. 

" Man," replied the Pilot gravely, at the sams time 
tailing out of his mouth the short pipe which be generally 
smoked between his first and second cup of cofliae ; " Man, 
Augustus, is a gregarious animal, and fond of his species — 
your ignorance of this fact I will, however, excuse, in con- 
sideration of the profession to which you have devoted <^oar 
energies. No, I do not go alone. 1 tempt the briny main — 
I go by packet, of course— it 's much cheaper than rail — in 
company with two outand-outera. Lint and Hawker." 

The Pilot then went on, at some len;rtli, to explain to his 
brother how the trip of Messrs. Lint and Hawker could not, 
in the strict acceptation of the word, be termed one of 
pleasure— that they were, in fact, hko many great charac- 
ters of olden days, about to retire into a sort of hoaorory 
exile for the time being, in consequence of their findine it 
rather inconvenient to appear in the streets of the metrapdiH. 
owing to the stupid prejudices and grasping aruricionsness 
of certain tradesmen, and particularly of a tailor named 
Snoggins — that their misfortuoes all arose from their lieii^ 
possessed of a superabundant storo of talent — that tliey had 
wiitten a most excellent burlesouo together, which was 
cheaji at a hundred pounds — that they liad sent it to a well- 
known manager, wliS had actually refused it. involviug 
them, by his infamous conduct, in great difficulties, as they 
had, with the confidence which genius should nlwara have 
in itself, incurred debts befoi«-hand on the strength of the 
hundred pounds which ought to have been theirs. 

The Pilot then went on to descant on tlie scurvy way in 
which managers treated authors — a subject sure, ns be waa 
well aware, to enlist his brother's sympathies, m, the latter 
held himself to be particularly ill-trnitea by the taid mana- 
gers—finally winding up by a request for the loan of five 
pounds for tlie trip. 

The Pilot had calculated wdl. So excited wu lus 
brother bv virtuous indignation, tliat he gave him the sum 
demanded, and, moreover, promised that he himself would 
join tliem in the course of a day or two. ; 

The next morning, accordingly, the Pilot and his two 
friends set off. Want of space pre^'ents our describing tbejr 
voyage down. This we may do at some fiitur* dov. Suffice 
it for tlie present to observe tliat they arrived in tafety, and 
succeeded in procuring lodgings in a respectable public- 
house, all three agreeing that, to a man of moderate desires, ' 
the house in question offered quite sufficient to render hla 
sojourn in tlie town very agreeable, and, as Mr. Lint ei- 
presBod it, "to strew his path with flowera to a. pretty con- 
siderable extent, and no mistake. " 

A week had nearly rolled by. The three friends had 
.partaken largely of all the intellectual and other amuse- 
ments of the place — the other amusements, as the Pilot re- | 
marked, strongly predominating — when their fate overtoolt ; 
them. _ j 

Messrs, Lint and Hawker had just dressed one morning, ' 
and were leaning out of the window smoking cigars to give 
themanappetitetbrbreakfast,andexchangingplayfulremark3 ' 
of rather a personal character with the passers by, when 
they suddenly started back, aa we should suppose a person 
would do on meeting the eye of that rare, but, accordinj^ lo- 
all descrijitions, rather disagreeable specimen of the anmittl 
kingdom termed a basilisk. 

" No mistake," observed Mr. Hawker. 

" Siioggins," replied his companion. 

"He saw us," continued Mr, Hawker. "There 'a our 
trip dialled. What business," pursued he in a meditative 
mood, "has A« down here, 1 ahould wish to know? Why 
ho is not gone yet— he's lookin<; at the house — he's speaking 
to his wife — and now he loaves her and hurries off— Lint, 
there 's no time to be lost." 

Mr. Lint perfectly coincided in this opinion. " It wos 
very evident Snoggiiis meant to nab tlicm — there aas no 
time to bo lost; but what was to be done?" 

After some consultation they came to the conclusion that 
tlie first train to Dover mnst bo taken, and from that plaos 
the packet to Boulogne. But their money waa expendMl, or 





at least very nearly all ; tliey had reckoned on Augustus com- 
ms down in both senses of the word — ruin seemed imminent, 
when Mr. Lint's face suddenly brightened up, he beckoned 
to iome one in the street-- a step was heard upon the stair, 
and a son of Israel entered the room. 

For some tine did the Israelite and the two Christians 
remain in low parley". The clothes and watch of the sleeping 
and unsuspecting Pilot were transferred to the custody oi the 
former, while the latter received in return the sum of 
£l 16«. 7 J. The Jew then walked off, and Messrs. Lint 
and Hawker, having first written a -hasty line or two which 
they left on the table, followed his example, while their 
Ttctim slept on, little aware of the surprise which was 
awaiting hun when ho should awake. 

A Good Reason. — We have been informed that the 
Whigs chose Lord John for their Premier on the principle 
that of all evils it is best to choose the ** least." 


A " progress" friend of ours is always looking out tor 
' Signs of uie Times." He often, owing to the taixUness of 
bis newsvender, passes the whole morning witbout discover- 

** A Little Kkowledoe." «kc.— Douglas Jerrold (who 
is just beginning to learn Latin) sayB that he is afraid of 
viearic^ gutta percha soles to his boots in the streets, because 
hd jp^ftgififffi that " OiUta (ptreha) camt iapidem.^* 


p0Buo benefactors — and we say this with a perfect recol- 
lection of Jerrold, George Thompson, and Feaneus 0*Con- 
aor— are scarce in the ])re9ent age. Even the Showman *s 
kenereleoce is of a negative rather than of a positive charac- 
ter, inasmuch as he delighteth more in exposing humbug 
than in favourii^ merit. Nevertheless, an occasion now 
presents itself for any man to come forward as a philanthro- 
[Nst, and shine in that r6le without danger and without 
diiSculty. Howard gauied immortal honours, but not with- 
out incurring the ri^k of deatb on thousands of occasions. 
The In^ priests have aWo ealablislied their claime as bene- 
^Mlors (with every one bat the High Chureh pstrty ) by the 
ftarless mamMr in which they continued to visit then* 
porisUoaerB at a time when a deadly fever was raging among 
tfaero. fiat one does not often have the chance of ootainin^ 
fisme without exposure to the dangers of either sea or land, 
«nd the afflictions of either heaven or man ; and this chance 
is to be taken advanta^ of at the present moment. 

We suggest the getting up of a scheme for the exclusion of 
the Berkeley family en mas»e from the House of Commons. 
Those that are at present elected should be kicked out, and 
tliose that are not elected should be kept out. The way to 
Buma^ this is simple enough. Grantley, Grenville, Craven, 
mod the whole gang of Berkeleys, are arrogant, stupi<l, and 
oonsequently disagreeable. The constituents, whether of 
C^teaham or of West Glouoestershire, hate the whole 
ipai^ ; and we believe that these coostitueDts would unite, 
vader the ansiHoes of the aopiring beaefoeter and determined 
Bun, for placing the whole gang, not in their proper places, 
which wo«ld be the stable or the pig-sty, but m a situation 
fisom w4ii<^ it would be difficult to emerge for the purpose 
of difttraebg themseli^ and disgusting the public. This 
tfaej rave lately done in various ways. 

One of the members has been summoned before a 
magistrate to show cause why he did not support his 
iNegitunate offspring; before a judge of the County 
Court, in order to settle the question as to whether 
1m ahooid be called upon to pay for the breakfasts he 
had deroured ; and before a judge of a superior court, 
to answer fbr having beaten (with the assistance of another 
Berkeley and a prize-fighter) a man in whose publication he 
had been (in the most severe manner) represented as he 
aotuall/ was. But besides having acquired an infamous 
notoriety in the Police Court, the Small Debts Court, and 
the^veen s Bench, (Brantley has written foolery in a pam- 
phlet, which did not much matter. One naturally avoided 
the ymnk. But he has hem allowed to mtmde his rubbish 
into Uie Timet, which one dom read, and in which he has 

abused his brothers, and has begged, in infamous grammar 
that some person or persons would kindly come forward an 
pay his election expenses. In the Stnate ho has been, c 
course, obscure ; but on the hustings all the members c 
this odious family have been prominently ridiculous, as the 
have been abusive and ungrammatical in the columns c 
advertising literature (for without payment their trash i 
now not published in respectable journals). 

But the way to put down these pestilential nuisances, t< 
muzzle these mad dogs. It is as follows : — 

Every one knows that directly one of the Berkeleys i 
returned for Parliament, the other Berkeleys set up a bark 
and do not cease their snapping and snarling until, bj 
means of an election petition, thej obtain the expulsion o 
the more fortunate animal, who shirks out of the house wid 
his tail between his legs, instantly to reaew that ** barking 
and biting" in which, according to Dr. Watts, such crcatura 
as the Bmeleys especiallv "delight.** 

When a Berkeley is elected, he is not dected in prefer 
ence to a respectable man, but in preference to some othei 
Berkeley, the voters having to choose between two or mor; 
dirty bandies of hay, select that which they conceive to be th« 
less soiled. Then when the petition is to be signed which ii 
to dislodge the Berkel^ who has become a senator, no on< 
can reftne to attach his name to it, as Berkeley the senatoi 
has eenmitted all sorts of acts which unfit him to sit ii: 
Parliament. Then, when Berkeley the rejected candidate 
becomes, in his turn, Berkeley the senator, another petitioi: 
is presented. As sure as there are epots on the sun, sc 
certainly are thieve deep stains on the character of all the 
BeiMeys, and eecordin^ly out comet Berkeley, No. 2, per- 
haps (for there is sometimes no end to mbfortuues), to be 
replaced by Berkeley, No. 3. Now, by this petitioning pro- 
cess, the Berkeleys have proved what every one knew berore, 
that they are all unfittea to sit in Parliament, in the same 
way that (as Voltaire remarked) the Whigs, by proying the 
Tories to be villains, and the Tories by proving the W higs 
to, be scoundrels, effectually estabUslied the point that all 
political England was depraved. We sujBC^t, then, that 
the formula for a general anti-Berkeley petition bo prepared, 
alleging causes why Berkeley should not sit in Par- 
liament. The blank can be filled up Grenville, Grantley, 
Craven, &c., as tlie case may be. The objections would 
apply equally to ^, and the hateful family could by this 
means be kept out of Parliament. Several of its members 
would be enapled to be arrested for debt, and thus prevented 
from interfering in public matters, and the man oy whose 
principal assistance this object is accomplished will l>e hailed 
as a pnilanthropist and a benefactor to nis species. 

Begqarly Pride. — We know a beggar, somewhat 
aristocratic in his views, who considers himself equal to the 
Earl of Shaftesbury, as both are in the habit of holding the 
" cap of maintenance. " 


To Find the Exact Distance between any Two Plaoss. 
-^Say, for example, it is required to find the distance between 
the Waterloo Road Station of the South Western Railway 
and any part of the New Road. Take a cab, and, having 
proceeded to your destination, alight, and ask what you 
nave got to pay. On the sum being named, reduce the 
pence into miles at the rate of eightpence for everjr mile, and 
then divide by two. The result will give the relative distance 
between the two places. Thus : — 


Required the distance between S.W.B. Terminus, Waterloo 
Road, and St. Pancras Church : 

Fare charged by cabman, without blushing . . 2«. 8dl 

2«. 8<f. in miles {Sd. s= I mile) = 4 miles. 

4 miles -1- 2 = Ttco miles, exact distance, 

^ Strangers arriving from the country at any of the various 
railway termini will find this a yery simple mode of learning 
street mensuration. We also strongly recommend it to the 
notice of the Board of Ordnance. 



d Farlnir in !lie heau of Ledger and Co.— ''So, Ml, Shitdeb 

The Following h a cop^ of the speech delirered b^ tbe 
Showman to nis CoDtributora on the completion of bis first 
half-yoftrly voluiue. 

"Satirical asd Comic IVnitEiif, 

" I amhappj to be able to congratulattjoa oa tlio campletion 
of my first half-year! j volume. The measnrea tor preventing crin; 
and theft In the Punch mriters will, I tlirnk, be attended with 
bene6cial remit. Tlie open dispU; of the Puppet-Show jckt 
hay; been checked, and Bevernl of the principal crimtnala have been 
discovered, pablicly convicted, and chostiied. 

' ' The diatress in the Ilajmorket Theatre, consequent upon 
~nicccEsiva Eiiilnres in the production of ' legitimate ' pUjs, bts been 
mitigated by the conBcionaness on the port of the manager that his 
fiiulta have aETorded yoo opportnnitiea for totire. 

"On the other hand, organiied confederacies endeavoured to 
»oite your tfeors by means of threole. Visions of big sticks and 
^eovy domogee were held out to aHHght the timid, while the 
Host enormous bribes were exhibited to tho avaricious. In this 
«i\juDcture I applied to your loyally and wisdom for increased 
lowers, and strengthened by yonr prompt concurrence my satire 
»a3 enabled to defeat, in a few days, machinations which had 
jeen prepared during many months. The energy and determination 
iliown by the Publisher in this emergency deserve my wannett 

"In the midst of these difficulties, yon have continned your 
flhoors for the improvement of Albert Smith. Your attacks npon 
he Chartists will, I trust, gradually remove an nil of great mog- 
litnde in the social state of England. 

" I have given my cordial assent to the meoMMS which have in 
iew the refbrmation of Mr. Lumley, and I entertain an earnest 
lope that we have made considerable advances in that beneficent 

" I have to thank yon for the readiness with which yon have 

fronted the sopplie lof copy necessary for tbepobHc entcrttunment 

" I shall avail myself of every opportunity, whidi a regard fop' 
your wtlfare mny allow, of increasing your sabriea. [Urn: « rtitk- | 
and disgustbgty loud cheer was givvn.] ' 

" I have renewed, in a formal manner, my eonnezim whh (ke | 
EJiabuFEh Itevica. The good understandii^ which pnnib be- ■ I 
Iwocn the two pnUicotious bus continaed^withoiit th« il^hlest ' ' 

■' Kvents of no importance have disturbed the trsnqnTllily rf I 1 
the Berkelq- &mny. These emits have led to hostiliUM between ' 
the v.ariouB members. ' 

employing mysdf in knocking these peraonf heads ' ! 
VS." — ■ '"' *"**■ "'^ bringing to an amicable setlknirnt their ; ' 
diflerenocs, | 

"I acknowledge with gr.ilefbl feelings the many marks of ' 
ntlachment which I hai-c receii-ed from all elassei. It b my ' 
■■■amcst belief that these Bill be pcrpeloftted," , 

Websteb, the "great legitimist. '■»]« never produced anything ! 
l.nt the hijjh dronia. excepting always tnuujations of tnm^ ' 
raiidevilles, adaptations of French operas, perfcimtopfs br Bthi i 
op,an serenadcrs. Ilungariana, Van Joels, and acrobala of Varions 
iloscriplions. IS, m spite of our gentle remonstnmces. poffing in hia I 
o«n unrivalled styFe the company of the AdrirfiiThcato?^ wbo« ■ 
■'l^ftant peribrmanocs form the last novelty ,>hiS he has giwn in I 
Jlie"l..gii^e" Those whoobjecttotlMworf"I™(im«te" i 
being nppW to soch p.ews as " Did yon ever settle AwSinta wHh 
lour Laundress J Ac., must remember that "laiititnste" iaereTT I 
tbcTir^T* ■ ' '^f ""'™^^,^'' *^ "^* evciltbing prodncedit I 

I««^'!l'^!!il'^?i"^?-^T''°° " to'lwtl'cr Adelphi'perfcnnanees ' 
ho or be not "!«;., nmU- as a moot point, let n. calfottenlion to j 
Websler-a play-b,lK in which he ann™n«* the last wetk KS ' 
jnanjof the I-NTins Ibimitablb Adzlphi Company. 1 
LOW, ns Moriome Cclesle hai lea for the provinci* [at least we 
i[)po=ie she has, as she was annoonccd last week to be obont to do ' 
> en two days) the company cannot be entire. As to its being in- ' 
..oilable. we, however, have but little doubt. Bedford's nose uze. I 
and ™]garity cannot be imitated with any chanoe of sweei,^ 
can nny one hope to approach in absoidily and aflbeUti^ the 
pronounciation of Celerte. with her neei^rie^ ^T^^ 
(nmzonrkasj, and other words uttered in ac4nts horrible to hear 
and impossible to acqmre in any part of Europe and in anv 
manner, eicept in London and from Celeste. Then, affain. aa no 
one can eqnal Wnght m his bomour. so no one woiddwish to 
im.tale htm in his cowseneea and evm indecency ; and altooetlKr 
we mny safely affi^o (hat sithough the departo^ifCefcsl^XSS 
ili^ conipmiy from being "entire," there^ be no doubt tStu 
i'mmitabl™'^ P°""s «?■ Webster is quite right in speaking of it oa 


Some amnsement wm caused about a fortnight Mnoa by (Elranse 

"V ji' fi"t appear) on article in P««*, in which Mr. Ba£n 

- -"-jied to merely as a " well known haid." This was the 6rat 

., „„..„ „ luciL-y us a irtii Known oaro. n 

time of any refcienco being made to that freatleman smoe tbe 
pobllcntion of his "Word with Puneh." which, it .as thought, 
would have done some harm to oor disrespected eontemporarv It 
has, however, evidentlv done him a great deal of Hie same 
way that whipping eSects in improvement in f rade bor It b 
rnmoared that several other individuals— who han been attaded 
for refusing private boxes to one writer, iwuiring anolher to nav 
hja bills, starting a rival paper, or being guili^of kom rHeoTif 

ibeUed and carzcatw^^iatend adopting a similar pomwto (hrt 
Uken b, Mr. Bunn We miderstaad that a. /W* will tC 
nwessanly lose the favonrite subjects of attack, it will alter its 
Btyie, unit reject satire for panegyric— Whilr/riiuj Xtparltr. 

ApprBfrialtlii rmiiUiiiud Ceam (rriet I> > tar haulim. V.t.— 

nUeatitn for back jnnbtri.. 
Part. I.. II.. m.. and IV.. w«, S 
Td., eompkti,^ FiJ.., /., may ,liU i, had. 
Valimt I. tf tht ForriiT-Snow, prm 

enamtmUiitithtM itii/n and UUtrinf. Uj, 

^. oni Fart V.. print 



Chapter XI,— The Ricrmosd Boats. 

which pad- 
dle their 
slow \ray 
back, wards 
^ and for- 
wards from 
Loudon to 
Bridge, are 


TO been built 

y were con- 
ore, and that 
imitatiaa of 
■nd boats may 
] _ _ erewith it has 

been the pleisure of the proprietors to bedeck them ; in- 
deed, coasidering the successive coats which they have had 
during the lapse of a([e8, it is not un reasonable to suppose 
that, although their timbers may have long since crumbled 
away, the successive layers of punt plastered one over 
the other answer all the purposes of the ori^nal wood — 
so that, in point of fact, the boats are nothing but sliells 
of paint. It is to be understood that we advance this 
doctrine ratbw as a theory than stale the matter for 
a fact. 

Another pecnlionty of the Bichmood boats is the 
number and size of their windows, which run from stem 
to stem, and from which one would iraogine that the 
crews were in the habit of keeping a good look-out. This, 
however, is not the cose, inasmuch as generally speaking 
the greater portion of the time occupied between Putney 
and Hichmond Bridge is passed upon mud-banks wailiuK 
for the tide. The voyager has thus on opportunity of 
beholding the scenery at his leisure, and making many 
excellent reflections upon the impediments and obstacles 
to which steam-boats, as well as man, are subject. Above 
Battersea Brida;e the river begins to assume a countrified 
appearance — the banks, as though in grief for being 
deserted by tlie town, wear the willow garland, and many 
Swans, but no Edgars, ore seen gracenillv floatbg in tlie 
flood. Hereabouts, on the Surrey shore, ike river Wandle 
joins the Thames. There is an indistinct myth of 
trout being occasionallj seen in this stream, and on 
making inquiries of an angler who had just returned fnmi 
its bon^s, he Informed us Uiat, after fishing for some time, 
he hooked it — thus leading as to ^ve cr^it to the myth 
in question. On further investigation, however, we ascer- 
ttunedthat "to hook it" wasavulgar expression signifring 
to go away. Near Putney, upon the nght bank, will be 
observed the College of Civil Engineers, and a number of 
the pupils, who nre completing their mathematical educa- 
tion by lying on their bocks on the CTcensward by the 
liver banlc. Passing through Putney Drid^, which was 
built in order to check duplicity by preventing the pro- 
gi-ess of craft upon the nver, you observe the " Eight 
Bells," kept by Mrs. Avis, who, for her courteous atteu- 
tion to tiiirsty voyagers, is really a Mara AvU in terri — 
that is, in Surrey. Paddling leburely bv, tlie steamer 
heaves in sight of the metroiwis of suburoan scholastic 
regions — Hammersmith, where many littio boys are 
brought up Conservatives, in consequence of being sent 
to Prcpore a Tory Schools. In due time wc pass under 
the bridge, wiiich is really a hnrdly-used one — for, 
although never condemned, it ia cruelly hung in chains. 
A slioi-t distance further, the traveller will iieroeive, upon 
the Surrej^ bank, a wooden fence, whicu encloses- a 
i"eservoir of water belonging to some roetropoliton coni- 
iinny or otlicr. There is a legend that in tliis pond a 
huge sturgeon was once captured ; and hs the creature, 
to have got t4iere, must have triumphantly lept over the 
towing-path and the fence, the story shows that a much 

closer afRnity than has generally been observed exists 
between the stuT^eon and the flyiuz.lish. 

Neat Kew Bridco is aene'rel^ moored the Maria 
Wood bar^, in wliicli crau the Civic coui-t annually go 
Bwan-hopping. This niystic opemtion is performed 
by eatiuE vast messes of turtle soup and drinking huge 
oceans of iced punch and c1 1 am pagne— although we 
do not exactly see - - 

process con 



beaks— the 
actual purpose of 
the expedition. Its 
object, however, ia 
highly laudable, as 
it IS clear .that, by 
making new niclu 
every year, the swans ' 
are prevented from 

appearing, as they otherwise woidd do, in public, every 
oue,withhis Old Nick behind him. 

Kew, as every one knows, is noted for its Botanic Gar- 
dens, the soil of which is so fertile a 

IS of the plants to 


length— and 

Opposite is Brentford, conoeming which we 
have only to make this remark, that if dirt were 
picturesque, Brentford would be the most picturesque 
city in the world. We are now rapidly approocbing our 
destination. The river is studded with islands or aits— 
one of which, from the ridiculous scenes enacted by pic- 
nic parties under the shadows of its trees, has got Uie 
appellation of the ait of absurdity. A few minutes more 
and the steamer stays her dripping paddles by Richmond 

The visitor may now proceed ashore, and look about 
him. He will probably, in the fii-st place, ascend Rich- 
mond ^Hill, where, however, he will gaze in vain for the 
"loss" of that locolity. The best way of enjoying the 
celebrated view, however, is to proceed to the Star and 
Garter. In this house the length of a visitor's purse is of 
no consequence, but the amount of cash in it dignifies a 
good deal. Supposing, however, that oil is right in this 
respect, let the pleasure-seeker hie him to one of the 
terrace dinintr-rooms, and there, after having pleasantly 
dispatched nis salmon cutiet and roast chicken, and 
after the noiseless waiter has produced the sparkling 
crystal, from within which rises the incense of the rich 
Bordeaux- tethiifa, wesay,leanlaEilyback, andaehiseye 
roams over the glorious panorama of wood and water, let 
him meditate on the French w 
what a pity that 
landscape 1 ' 

woman's saving, Mon dieul 
L a sin to look at such a 


A Zoological Coirp.^msON.- Wecomporethecoun- 
lr;f party to a rattlesnake. Bentinck makes the noise 
with the toil ; and Disraeli bites with the fangs. 

A PcDLTON AND A Si.'SNER. — A tavern-keeper wrilcs 
to ask US whether, having fa'Ird tive times and recom- 
menced business as many, he is not justified in holding 
" re-puWicnn" principles ? 




There 's manj a jolly old river 

Comes dasbiDg from mountains down — 
The rioting blue Guadalquiver, 

And Ta^s at Lisbon town. 
And travellers say the Simois 

Ecms still in a silver thread ; 
It magr be, but all that I know is, 

I wish I ran there in its stead ! 

They give me the name of a fatlier, 

And call me a wonderful flood; 
Their praise is all well, but I 'd rather 

Dispense with the gift of their mud ; 
If they really feel any affection 

For what I have (lone for their race, 
They strangely prove such predilection 

By flinging their dirt in my face ! 

I m really a seedy old fellow, 

And can*t meet my broUiers at all — 
The Rhine, nor the Tibtr so yellow, 

Are ever at home when I call. 
The Danube, though often half frozen. 

Has ventured to cut me quite dead. 
And when I look in he lies dozinjg;. 

And won't stir an inch from his bed. 


The Nile fattens crops for his neighbours, 

The Shannon hides pikes in his banks ; 
They honour the one for his labours. 

And Paddy to t' other gives thanks. 
I carry big ships on my waters, 

The whitebait to stuff them I save ; 
My reward is the blood from their slaughters. 

And London's foul sewers,i n my wave ! 


Some extracts from the Hue and Cry appeared last week in 
the Irish correspondence of the times. Amongst other 
absiu*diti6s, some man was mentioned as ** having brown 
eves, which appears as if his whiskers had been lateiy 
shaved off." 

Now, at first, the non sequUur in the above appears vary 
ridiculous ; but a little reflection will convince any person 
that deductions equally nonsensical are made every aay by 
what are called " educated persons" in England. 

For instance. Sir R. Inglis would say, " Mr. Smith rides 
in a railway carriage on Sundays, which appears as if he 
were an atheist." 

Many other persons would severally argue : — 

1. Mr. Smith objects to the amoimt of our national 
expenditure, wbich Appears as if he were a revolutionist. 

2. Mr. Smith shakes hand swith a Roman Catholic, 
which appears as if he were a Jesuit, plotting against the 
Protestant religion. 

3. Mr. 'Donovan objects to appointments in Ireland 
bein^ given almost exclusively to Englishmen, which appears 
as ifhe were a rebel. 

4. Mr. Douglas Jerrold abuses everybody right and left, 
which appears as if he were a philanthropist. 

5. Iklr. Webster produces translations from the French, 
and introduces acrobats and Ethiopian screnaders on his 
boards, which appears as if he were a ** legitimate" 

To the above we beg to add the following of which the 
argument is in the same style : — 

The Times, ai^er ridiculing the ** brown eyes wliich ap- 
pears as if," &c., says, in a subseouent number (Friday last), 
that UiH) men named Patiich Murphy have been arrested, 
which seems as if that journal were badly edited. 

Aud, lastly, 

WANTED to know a person who can answer all tkese 
W queries. Should he want a situation, and be able to do every- 
thing, tpeak two or three languages, make himself generallv va^ul, 
and perrarm the work of two ordinary clerks and a porter, he mav, 
ifhe has luck, obtain an eoga^ment in some respectable mercantUe 
liouse in the City, at eight shillings a-week, and^nd himaelC Bnt 
if, instead of the above qualifications, he possesses a p:ur of hand- 
some calves, and is a tall, well-looking man, he may get a place as 
footman, in some family of distinction, at from forty to fifty pounds 
a-year, with board, lodging, and clothes. 


'T is said that Honesty 's a fool ; — 
Now if we could invert this rule, 
'T would prove as plain as reason can 
That Ansiey is an honest man. 



It is the fashion among those who toady the Whig 
Premier to give him credit for hmiesty and courage, and so, 
whenever we complain of his political incapacity, we are 
told how straightforward he is, and what a vast deal of moral 
courage he possesses. For our own part, we alwajrs 
thought his honesty a mere compliance with resj^eotableTorms, 
and nis moral courage a stupid obstinacy, which passed for 
bravery because he rushed forward not seeing the probability 
of his knocking his head against the wall. 

Now that Clarendon has put down the Irish Rebellion, 
Lord John is to deal with those who raised it. The sport- 
man kills, and the pointer goes to pick up the game. It 
appears that the parties most deeply implicated in the 
conspiracy are the Irish clergy. These persons have been 
hounding on the peasantry to fi§ht, blowing the trumpet 
from behind the altar. Their influential position must 
obviously have made them the most dangerous partisans of 
the cause ; their functions keep them out of actual personal 
exposure, and yet these — the most pernicious villains of the 
faction — are to be saved from punisliment, if Lord John 
Russell can manage to cast his ministerial mantle over them. 
If this is a specimen of his " m(H'al coura^,** we confess we 
shall be glad to hear a new definition of that quality. 

A great many people cannot account for this resolu- 
tion of His Lordship's. To us, the motive appears obvi- 
ous. He wishes to secure the sacerdotal support for his 
partjT ; and will let the ** surpliced ruffians" endanger the 
Empire, on condition that they vote for the Whigs. 

His partiality to the Reman Catholic clergy has long 
been known, and forms a strong contrast with the wish he 
has often evinced to dabble with his profene paws in the 
Protestant church. But to carry that partiality to the point 
of conniving with rsbels, are English constituencies prepared 
to support tJiat f 


WANTED to know the contents of one of the be&ma \ 
referred to in Bvron*s line, "the moonbeams rested on the ' 
waters," in superficial feet, and the value of the same at 2«. 6<f. 

WANTED to know, as " sauce for the goose is sauce for 
the gander," what sort of saace Mr. Anstey should be sen'ed 
with ? also, where he buys his boots, they Hand so long ? 

WANTED to know hm they can tfy all the Chartist 
n leadtrt together, wllh <«Iy A)ne Wheeler J 

TTT ANTED to know, the amount Government receives from 
W rents of crown lands ; and what is done with the money ? Is 
it made '* ducks and draket of?" and if so, are those in the parks 
the only specimens ? 

WANTED to know if Diogenes passed through the Insol- 
IV vent Court with his lantern, how many honest men he would 




Mr. Whiteside, Q.C., was in the first instance retained 
for Smith O'Brien, but subsequent! j refused to plead. This 
is not the only instance in which the Kinf;^ of Munster has 
been unable to keep his own counsel. 

The classicalitr of Disraeli's parliameniarv speeches 
cannot be reasonably doubted. He is an English specimen 
of the Latin Jew venal ( Jurenal). 

Mr. Macready, the "eminent" tragedian, has, at last, 
ventured across the Atlantic. As the Yankees are a 
peouliarly stiff and strai^ht-lacod set, the " n 
Mr. Macready will doubtless find its admirers. 

" mannerism" of 

Many of the Alderm^ who act as Magistrates are 
lamentably ignorant. Why are they allowed to sit in iudg- 
mcnt when they are totally unable to parse a sentence t 

One of the papers says that the south of Ireland is 
infested by a horde of savages. Unfortunately, in hoards of 
another aescripti^n— gold, for iDstance — it is very deficient. 

The Hon. Cravenr Berkley, whose a^^ersfons on Mr. 
Houndell Palmer provoked a discussion m the House of 
Commons, now tells the Cheltenham electors that he 
**chaUenget inquiry." This does not look like a craven 

Surely the absurdity of the Govflrwmcnf pa^sin^" a 
Fisheries Bill for Ireland is apparent, becanM> the fi ^ries 
must still continue a State moilopolr, inasmuch as the 
•xecutTve are ijeietng all the " Pikes tbcy can find. 

It appears that Lord John is to be a witness on Smith 
O'Brien's trial. Considering how he has reigned as Pre^ 
mier, everybody will be glad to hear of his " deposition." 

The Marquis of Lansdowne has gone to visit and improve 
his fine Irish estates. For once in his life, he is going to act 
on " good grounds." 

The recent letter of Mr. Quimnets published in the 
" Times,'* shows that that celebrwtcd Irish brewer would 
make a " stout" resistance against the Repeal faction, if 
required. ^ However, in point of infltwnce and station, Mr. 
Guinness is to Lord Clarendon what a hamel organ would 
be to Jullien*8 ** concert monstre." 

Jenny Lind is spoken of as being very engaging. Her 
breach of contract with the conductors of the Worcester 
festival leads us to believe that she often engages to do more 
than she performs. 

On dit that the Lord Chancellor contttaplatas moving 
for an injunction to restrain the proprictOTB of Cremome 
from exhibiting the sea lions and liovwsMe, on aecount of 
their interfering with her Majesty's •* keq)er of the seals,*' 

Lord Clarendon, as the papers tefi us, allows the Irish 
rebels new milk every morning ibr breakfast. How natural, 
that when Ireland is in a d^roe, England should have to 
provide the ass's milk I 

By a recent Act, Boards of Health will be established 
in various country towns. ^ They will most probably be 
formed from the political sticks of the* provinces. 



Six days we give thee heart and brain ; 
In ffM^tr pleasure, joy and pain, 
Th<m mi our guide, oh God of Gain ! 

And<m the seventh, although we kneel 

At oth«r altars, and conceal. 

For fi w b ton's sake, the Love we feel— 

'T it b«t our outward looks that |H^t'5 
Our inivwrd thoughts are far away. 
And giVi» tiiee homage night and day* 

Thoiif^ eibm at a purer shrine 
Our dfOQ^fhtft and actions disinoHlWy 
We'rt net^r hyjwcrites at thine. 

Oh n5 ! we love thee far too well. 
More tlmn^oor words can ever tell, 
Wi^ pMsion indestructible. 

When thM aft kind, aU Eartb is fair. 
Men's ^yt& incessant homap^ gktr^, 
The«f tongues pemmiid flatteries beai\ 

But whm Uiou fVowneM^ aH men frown \ 
We dwell amoRf dw stiieken-down. 
The sevtt and byword 0f ttl^ town. 

Thmi$th we ar9 good sad wSm and true» 
Beprifeii of Ihee, men Mk tflkew: 
We hftYe no merit in their vfew. 

Though we have wit and eloquence. 
The world denies us common sense 
If thou no golden shower dispense. 

But mean, base, stupid, all the three — 
It matters not whato'er we be. 
We have all Virtue, having thee. 

Men hold us in their hearts enshrined. 
To all our faults their eyes are blmd. 
We are the salt of humankind. 

If wc are old they call us young ; 
And if we speak with foolish tongue. 
The praises of our wit are sung. 

If we are ugl v, gold can buy 
Charms to aaom us in the eye 
Of universal flattery. 

If we are crooked, we grow straight — 
If lame, we have Apollo's gait. 
Seen in thy light, oh Potentate! 

Shine on us, Mammon, evermore — 
Send us increase of golden store — 
That wo may worship and adore ; 

And that by look, and voice, and pen 

Wc may be glorified of men, 

And praise thy name. Amen! Amen! 


The Rambler . . . 
The Discontented Man 
Baron Munchausen . 
The Exiles . . . 
The Ready Reckoner 
The Racing Calender 
Fatal Ambition . . 
Splendid Misery 
StrngjEjles through Life . 
Vicissitudes in G«nteel Life 



Children of Error . . . 
Keith's Arithmetic . » 
Connaught Rangers • • 

for Mr. Chisholm Anstey. 
Mr. Disraeli. 
Mr. W. B. Ferrand. 
Louis Blanc and M. Guizot. 
Alderman Gibbs. 
Lord G. Bentinck. 
Irish Insurant Leaders. 
M arquis of Chandos. 
Messrs. Dnncombe and Borthwick. 
The Duke of Buckingham. 
Sir R. Peel. 
Colonel Sibthorpe. 
The Ruasdl Cainnei. 
Sir Charles Wood. 
Smith O'Brien and Co. 




Coclmtji (ilcinHicriiiiry — *' Wkll K-i-iia-coun 
C#wii* 8«».— •' You oOK- T i« 10, T«u. nil i 

Now that Her Majeatj has again sought in Scotlsod a 
little pri?Bcy and repose, we presume that she will be dogged 
hj a wloct part^ of peiuT-a-liuers from mouDtain to 
movntun, as constaiitlj and patienti/ as sportsmen in 
that part of the couotry dog grouse. The Queen having 

Site bj steam, proves that she feared exposing herself to 
is sort of aoDojance, in a jountej bj land ; but we should 
Dot be at all surprised if some exemplary reporter followed 
in the veesd's woke iu a bumboat, and registered ei'ery 
" black" that came out of the funnel. 

Then there are Mayors at every port she passes, eager to 
rush into her presence ; snobs at every pier, with telescopes 
of great power to watch her; and l>oats of oil sorts in 
abundance hovering round ber yacht, laden with Shobs 
eager to elut a prurient and d^radiog curiositv, by watch- 
ins this hoyal Ladj' as closdy as jailors watcn a criminal. 
Indeed we ara sometimes disposed to believe that ^e must 
wish occasionally that she was plain Miss Guelph in a 
cotCaae at Kensington. When she sighs, a liner " wafts the 
sish" to the metropolis; when sho yawns, a do: 
p^b«ans gape to witness the phenomenon. 

Another nuisance, arising from this spying syatem, 
that the liners feel it their duty to describe (as they cdl h) 
every place she visits, and the papers nre inundated 
trash about "stem headlands," "lofty overlian^ing m 
tains, "and "calm surface of the lalce," winding up with 
some historical balderdash about the towns, stolen from 
the commonest guide-books. 

Now that the Queen is " out of town," the Coart Cir- 
cular Snob will heatow more attention on people of minor 
importance, in order to eke out his report The royal babes 
will be more minutely looked after, and the poor little dears 
not be allowed even to trundle thar hoops in peace ! 

A Reasomablb Qdestioh. — The papers talk of the 
Irish insurgents sending out several "flying columns' 
scour tlte country. Did tliey ever send out any otlier? 


Oun " Sporting " Reporter — a fellow who, we regret to say. I 
attends more to pleasure than to business— has just dropped 
into the " Fupfei-Show " with a few notes up<m the I 
" sights " of the week at DuKOster. He says: — 

" The weather continues very fine, notwithstaiiding tbe I 
certainty of «maXI,^«Uf for all the races." By this, we pre- I 
sume the fields at Doncttter have been " cut and dned * ibr ' 
the ocoaaion, like the crops. 

" For the sweepstakes of 100 sovercdgns each, for four- 
vear olds, Montpensier walked over." Conudering tlie 
hurried manner in which the French Royal family recently 
cut away from Paris, we ore not surprised that Hont- 
pensier was unopposed. In that pecnliar style of nmning 
the Louis Philippe stock is unrivalled. 

" Lord Eglinton's Flying Dutchman carried off the 
Champagne Stakes." Wearetoldhe " won in aaoMlrr," 
which, for *Jlyiag animal seems rather anomalous. 

"The Clevdand Handicap was won by the Duke of 
Bedford's Saddle." Ifthe Duke's Saddletna victoriouH, 
where was the korte f In ^is race Good 'Boj was beatoi. 
For a good boy to be beaten is a po(v inoeotiTe to decait 
behaviotir in future ! 

" Lord Clifden carried off the Hnnicipal Stakes with his 
hoTM Tuesome"— ■ tiresome cualomer apparently to deal 
with. Mr. Payne's Crucible also ran, but not winning the 
sovereigna, he could not, of course, mdt tbem. 

The Orwt St. Leger Stakes fell to the lot of Lonl 
Clifden's " Surplice" — an orthodox animal, no doubt. Para- 
doxical ss it may appear, all the Flatcatcbers were dime — 
" Flatcatcher" running third. Hr. Qreoi attempted to 
takes the Stakes by " Assault ;" Mr. Parr essayed to wipe 
them off with bis "Sponge;" and Mr. StepheoBon's 
" Cannibal" tried to swallow them, but all to no arail. 
The Duke of Bedford's "Justioe to Ireland" figorad in a 
sorry way, Indeed, as the Duke's brother, the Pieoucr, well 
knowsjKtttivto/rffiiHulisnot much sought after at present. 

Mr. Bdl's " Fiddtestrinc" mode capital ^y for the 
Queen's Plate to the tune 3 100 soverngns, out whether 
the money will be piud in notes we have not heard. 

The retatunder of the "Meet " calls for no comment, save 
that tiM Sweepstakes run for were followed by a series of 
steaks at the hotds, when soma of the fanngry cunpetitots 
bolted — tlwr food, previously to 






(after lord j(m3r rosssix's.) 

Our political readers will be gM to leAm ikaX Uw eminent 
Mr. O'Dee has proceeded to visH IreloMl) in peraon, with a 
yiew to seeing what remedial measmw can be adopted for 
the benefit of Uiat unfortvmate country. Mr. 'Dee proceeded 
by Bristol in the third-class train. 

Mr. O'Dee was attended by his usual staff— a dis- 
appointed creditor and a seedy companion; and started 
from his lodgings in a Hansom, amidst the cheers of the 
small boys in the neighboui'hood. lie acknowM^ed the 
salute of the apple-woman with much cofsluy. 

On arriving attlie railfimy •telkp»> be w«s reeeif«d by a 
demand for half-a-erowa frm iW ctdMMii, md a railway 
porter who took \m cafftel-bMr. la his j<mm^ down, ho 
was pleased to expnes hioMdf raveh gratified at the stale 
in which he found the pftle de at tke vanous t^Stmff staUoM 
along the line. 

[from owir owir couBBCPONPirr}. 

Ir w km d ^ Cork, 

Mr. O'Dee arrived here yesterday moranff. He hae 
fixed his head-quarters at the Slue Goat for the present. It 
is rumoured that he will not go out further than the corner 
of the street. Such is the desperate and lawless condition 
of this unhappy country, that it is even whispered that his 
person coidd not be safe — from the machinations of his tailor ! 

A council wae held yesterday at the Blue Goat — present, 
Ensign O'CaUaghaa, Mr. O'Doodle, medical student, Messrs. 
'flSlabaloo, M'B^ekskin, <kc. The councU sat two hoiu^. 
John 0*Gorman wiis tbe poi-^j io waiting. 

It transpired that tlie qutstion andsr dis om w wi m some 
degree bore on the p ru pi ia ly of ratsniff %l*oaii, but tiM par- 
ticulars have not reached us. It i« aiso^eaid, that a diepute 
arose, touching the mode in whieli the refractory subjects are 
to be dealt with — Basijpi O'Callaghan maintaining the pro- 
priety of putting the tatlor under a pump ; Mr. O'Cee insist- 
ing that a horsepond would be more appNfmate. 

Mr. O'Dee contiBiies to enjoy lue usual healtli, and 
played skittles this marmio/g for an ho«r. 


We perceived, by loeking int» ear demi-semi-official friend, 
the Observer f the other day, that all the Ministers have gone 
out of town, and Wl Downing Street desolate. Lord John 
is in Scotland, the Marquis of Lansdowne has gone to visit 
his Irish estates. Sir Georce Grey is on the loose in the 
provinces, awd altogether the helm of government is left 
without a steermuin, and the paddle-box of legislation is 
destitute of a Captain. Under these circumstances, wo 
want to knew who is governing Great Britain and the 
Colonies ? If young Hawes has been asked just to hold the 
helm a mi»ote, we shall be having him sending to Timbuctoo 
when he wants to write to Cavaignac, or directing the Medi- 
terranean Fleet to cruise in the Dead Sea to keep a look- 
out on the King of Naples ; not to mention his dispatching 
a steamer to Battersea to find poor Sir John Franklin s 

But perhaps Hawes himself has mizzled as well as his 
greater colleaffucs ! In that case, do our young friends the 
Government Clerks carry on the business ? We can fancy 
Fitz-Eade of the Treasury saying, ** Brin^ me a sandwich 
and declare war against Austria ;" or fiibbleton of tli» 
Admiralty roaring out for ** nale ale and two new hae-of- 
battle ships, to oe got ready i mm e die ti ty ." We can't 
understand how Chiles Cochrane line o v ei lo eke d this 
opportunity of seizing the reSBs of power, and oMMMtittg by 
the cnipper of deepotism ; but of this we feel quite sure> 
that were the gallant Cuffey ab ree d > instead of heiiig inmrared 
in the "jug ' hy tyramiy, he wowW soon be on the throne of 
the Guelphs, sittMic cr o s iwd feggcd , and bestmg his goose 
in the kitchen fire of B«eknighe«i Paiaoe. 

We think this state of things really too bad. The 
Premier may probably think that there is some ** sweet 
litde cherub," m short petticoats, sitting up aloft, to look 
out for the life of poor Jack Russell ; but we warn him 
against being too confident. And we ask again, what has 
become of the Ministry ? 


Now that Parliament is prorogued, and Urquhart and An- 
stey can't bore the memwrs any more, it becomes a serious 
question what they will do. These twins (and as Castor 
and Polkix came from the egg of Leda. so we are half 
inclined to believe that the^ were hatched from some goose 
egg) are cast loose on society. England becomes a vast 
common, and the animals Urquhart and Anstey are un- 
fettered on its surfoft. 

DeuiesllwaeB med to declaim bv the sea-shore, that the 
relftfig of the waves mi^ht prepare him for. the storm v roar 
of the multitude. Will Urquhart bellow at Grav^enci, and 
Aastsf ibeat at Brighton, in order to be better able to meet 
the fraeaa and uyroar that greet them in Parliament ? Or 
wiH Urfohaft spent atAnsteVt and Anstey at Urquhart, 
ia 80HW hmntw iw i g fab eerhood in the country, whone the 
seise ean etofce no response but the sharp sound of the 
eohe and tlw eewgtMiai bray of the ass ! 

Thoe ul yc t is an intnnsting one, but we content our- 
8eU<n with having brom^Md it for the speculation of ihe 
curieM« Meawwhiie, it is gratifying to new that two such 
oh§«els exist in ovr Legimtare; Mid w^preeume they are 
there ^ dome ffudi my s iei Km reasoa as mt which prompts 
oar arehltaets to put hidee^ metfieeval heeds en our public 

The folkmivf advertisement appeared in the Tim^ 
of Sept. 11: — 

"Wanted, a Laiy's Maid, to go to the West Indies with a 
Lady who thoronghly understands hairdrcssing, nulliDeiy, and 
drewmoking,** &c. Sec, 

We have often seen advertisements for ladies* maids, 
requiring them to poaeeas a knowledge of hairdressing, 6i^.^ 
but we never knew the lady herself to trumpet forth her own 
qualifications in those departments ; however, she perhaps 
intends giving her maid a treat, as the man did the ass when 
he put it into the cart and got into the shafb himself. 


Among the curious suggestions which the brains of the 
ingenious gentlemen of Jerrold's Nexcsnaper hatch every 
wwk, weperccitc one that a literary inn should be estabUshed 
in the Metropolis, for literary gentlemen to enter, as law- 
students do tne inns of court. At first sight, we thought 
that the object of the promoters of the project was to 
establish a ** public," or tafem, for the convenience of the 
profession ; and our imagination began to run riot in 
anticipation of it. We fancied to ourselves a snug coffee- 
room, and Thomas Carlyle entering to call for a " go " of 
Scotch whisky, or Savage Landor demanding a sherry- 
cobbler, and saying **the Puppbt-Show afta* you," to 
Mr. Ilallam, employed opposite with his pint of port 
and our periodical. We gloried in the notion of observing 
Sir Edward Bulwer crying, ** Waitaw, give me some of tlw 
rich juice of the grape which glows in the M. Parthenope ;" 
and Dtaraeli smoking his Latakia, and speating about the 
Caucasian race. ** How delightful," thought we, **to see 
Jerrold swallow his bitters bcforo writing a leader ; or 
Albert Smith removed at the request of the company for 
asking somebody who Pope was ! 

But, alas I further inquiry taught us that a much more 
commonplace affifttr was proposed. We confess that we see 
no probahffity of its ever beinjir carried out, for who, we 
should like to know, is to bring such a motley crew of 
histortam, poets, metaphysicians, jokers, statisticians, dra- 
nmtiets, coenc-writers, critics, essayists, novelists, leading- 
artieb roen^ reviewers, satirists, antiquarians, logicians, 
rheCorioiaae« and buffoons, as compose the literary prcnession, 
togetlier in harmoaietts muon ? How the deuce can one man 
meet another in hall with his fin^rs stained with the ink 
with which he has just been maulmg his new book ! 

And what kind of association must that be in which it 
could be possible for Carlyle and Albert Smith to meet on 
an equality, as men of letters ? 

A Question in Practical Philosopht. — Across what 
suspension bridge should a gentleman in difficulties travel ? 
That which would enable him to get over Menai Stmiti, 





A P4TBKT for an extraordinary mechanical invention, by Lord 
Adolpfaos Fitzclarence, to prevent the royal yacht from rolling at sea. 
This n^mstion was induced in conseqnenoe of Her Maiesty, while 
orostinff tne Firth of Forth, inquiring the reason why the Victoria 
and Albert "rolled*' more than usual. The invention is founded 
OB the " royal rood to soience." 

A Patent for a "lingo-meter/* to measure and rmilatethe 
speeches of parUamentary orators. By a " silent " memSer. — Mr. 
Anstey is selected to test its virtues. 

A Patent for a machine to cultivate that Celtic escident the 
potato without manual labour. By an Irish agriculturist. 

A. Patent for a scheme bv which an extravagant man may pass 
through the Bankruptcy ana Insolvent Courts, ad libUum^ to the 
enrichment of himself and the destruction of his creditors. By a 
Chartist Conventionalist and cheap periodical scribbler, who is 
praetically conversant with the whole of the ** intricate " machinery 
of debtor and creditor, and devoted to the "Dispatch" of 

A Patent, hy Albert Smith, to secure to liimself the fiill benefit 
of his peculiarly "snobbish" style of literature. [We think tliis 
superfluous, as nobody is likely to evince any disposition to imitate 
the conmiouplacc productions of that quasi eminent lUirateurJ] 


A COHUESFONDENT calls our attention to a wtork entitled " The 
Mysteries of the Court of London," by an E.\-Tri^algar Square 
Agitator, which has just mode its appearance, and asks us, 
" uhat ^ticular Court of London it is that the book refers to — 
whether it is the Court at St. James's, or Buckingham Palace, or 
Capel Court ; or merely one of the courts in the back slums of the 
melrojpolis ?" An impertinent fellow, who is looking over our 
shoulaer, ill-naturedly suggests, that, judging from the recent pub- 
lic examinations of the anthor, reported in the daily papers, the 
Baidcruptcy Court is, in all probability, the one alluded to. 



This was an action brought by the plaintiffs, the well-known gin- 
distillers, to recover damages from the defendant (who has gained a 
European repntattoa as a comic ajul, latterly, as a melo-^amatic 
artist), for an injnry alleged to hare been done them by the publica- 
tion of a set of designs, entitled the " Bottle," and the " Drunkard's 
Children." Mr. H. S. Edwards appeared for the pUmtiffs, the 
defimce being conducted by Mr. Bridgeman (with whom was 
Mr. Hannay). 

The learned counsel who opened the case commenced with some 
remarks upon gin in general, in which he displayed a profound 
acquaintance with his subject. Having squeezed much interesting 
matter from the juniper-berry, he plungtxl into a cask of the spurit, 
and ^ve a roost eotertMning sketch of its history, from its appear- 
ance in the vat of the distiUefy to its disappearance from the quartern 
of the tavern. He had fiirmeriy been unacquainted with even the 
taste of gin (a laugh, which was auickly $uppru$ed by the usher 
qfthe court), but since this case had been placed in his hands, he 
had felt it his duty to consume several gallons of it. Part of this he 
had taken "hot with," (meaning, as our reporter understood, 
'"hot with sugar") ; another portion he had eiyoyed in the form of 
"cold without;" and the remainder in its simplest and most 
natural state — a state which he might be allowed to characterize as 
"wf a/ but not gaudy." He need not speak of the beneficial in- 
fluence which gin exercised over society generally, quieting tlie 
squalling infant, and cheering the age<l washerwoman ovir her 
soporific labours. Now, if a philanthropist were to be checked in 
the performance of his good deeds, if a missionary were to be 
arrested in his course of Christianising the heathen, or a Sever in 
feeding the destitute poor — if this were to be done without shame, 
at least it would not be prmitted with impunity. In like manner, 
the person who would wdfully and wantonly injure the gin-distiller 
should not be suffered to escape without making some oompensation 
at the same time to the injured party and to society at large. The 
defendant had inflicted a wilful and wanton injury on the plaintiffs, 
by representing gin, in two series of plates entitled the " Bottle" 
and the " Drunkard's Children," as a natural conducive to 
crime and del>auchery of every species—to say nothing of death 
by drowning, which it was also alleged to produce. Trial 
by jury was the great bulwark of our constitution : he woidd 
rather abide by tne decision of a jury of twelve Englishmen, 

than by that of any judge that ever wore the ermine. He had 
proved himself entitled to a verdict, and now left the case in the 
hands of twelve honest men, andwliat was more, twelve Engli^mien, 
with a perfect confidence as to its result. 

Mr. Bridgeman, for the defence, would not be harsh upon his 
learned friend as to the several gallons of gin which he pretended 
to have found it necessary to consume. He would not say t^ the 
ao(]uaihtance which his learned friend appeared to possess with the 
spirit in question did more credit to tne strength of his stomach 
than to his understimding or his morals. His learned friend had 
spoken of gin as quieting tne squalling infant, and cooioling the aged 
washerwoman under the inflictions of her aoa^Jiorific labours ! 
{laughter). He was not aware that his leaned friend had ever been 
cheered to the performance of any gceai task, although it was quite 
possible that, in the other character nhich had been alluded to, he 
migbt have derived some consolation under the afflictions of mis- 
fortune. The jury had merely to decide whether habitual intoxica- 
tion was, or was not, conducive to a man's success in life. In the 
former case, they would give a verdict on the side of the plaiuti^ ; 
in the latter, on the side of truth. 

Mr. Hannat followed on the same side. He would ask his 
learned friend the counsel for the plaintiffs, what proof he could 
adduce that gin was the liquor represented in the "Bottle?" 
Supposing it to have been the object of the talented artist to repre- 
sent brandy, could he have done so in a mere woodcut ? Besides, 
it might have been whisky, and as such it had been alluded to in 
an article in the Times. His learned friend possessed all tlie desire 
and none of the ability to injure the defendant; and as he (his 
learned friend) had commenced with misrepresentation, so he would 
end with failure. He would now call a witness, who owing to the 
effects of spirit drinking, had the rapacity of the \'ulture without 
its courage. 

John Bosky, examined. Had been in the habit of drinking large 

Juantities of gms. Drunk it in tumblers with hot water and sugar. 
nta\ication generally ensued after the tenth glass. When intoxi- 
cated used to beat his wife and iiyure his onildren in various 
wa^s. Considered pn, when taken in large quantities, to be 
exciting, but not prejudicial to health. 

Cross-examined — Had never drunk gin in moderation, but 
always in excess. 

Mr. Edwards, in rcplving, would take the liberty of noticing 
the virtuous feeling which naa been displayed by his learned and 
immaculate friends. Some persons despised gin drinking, although, 
at the same time, excessively intimate with the vice in question ; 
but every one knew that familiarity was likely to breed contempt. 
A poem entitled the Oln Fiend had been written as a sort of com- 
panion to Mr. Cruickshank's plates ; so that his learned friend's 
ingenuity in suggesting brandy and whisky would be thrown away 
on an intelligent jnry. 

The Showman having summed up (dlor tasting several samples 
of the spirit in question). 

The jury immediately returned a verdict for the defendant. 

Loud cheei*s fr(»n the artist's friends followed the aunouiicement, 
and the Snowif Air informed Mr. Cruikshank that he left the court 
without a stain upon his reputation— derived from — " The Bottle." 

An Excellent Matcit. — Lord George Bentinck, touching 
his visit to Ireland, denies that he is running a race of 
popularity with Lord John Russell. We see no reason why 
ne should not — for what with the Premier's little body, and 
Bentinck's little mind, they would equally be " light-weights." 

Crest-fali^k.- -We do not know if tlie Premier is a 
fatalist? He, liowevor, evidently believes in his motto, 
" Che Sara Saray—'' What will be, will be," and takes no 
pains to prevent it. 

Hold Your Breath! — The monopoly indulged in by 
certain distin^iished individuals in christening their children, 
is far more ridiculous than sensible. What will Mr. Cobden 
say to the following : — " The infant son of the Grand Duke 
and Duchess of Mecklenburg-Sti-elitz has been christened 
George Adolphus Frederick Augustus Victor Adelbert Ernest 
Gustavus William Wellington l! !" If the favoured infant 
only realize half the fame attached to the last name, Wel- 
lington, all his other titles will be superfluous. 

A Toccn OP THE Sublime and Fieautiful (not 
Burke's). — The report of the fancy dress ball, at the King's 
Rooms, Portsmouth, is wound up by a ** local " i-eporter as 
follows : — " Dancing was prolongeil till the i/iou-uorm 
shotced the matin to he near! IT* We presume that wheai 
the incipient ray of the solar beam peeped through x\urora*s 
cui-tain, the poor glow-worm was obliged to hide its terrestrial 
rushlight under a bushel. 




Chapteb III.— How thb Pilot Left his Lodoikos. 

ONDER what o'clock it is," said 
the Pilot, abont an hour after 
the erents recorded in our last 
chapter, at the same time stretch- 
iogout hiB hand to takehis watch 
mnn the nntch-case in irhich he 
had placed it the evening pre- 
Tious. For reasons well known 
to the reader, he found it had 

" I suppose Lint and Hawker have gone out, " he thought 
"aud taken it with them to time their return to breakfast,' 
and so saying he took his ciear-case from under his pillow, 
eitriKted therefixim a cigar, lighted the same, and then laid 
himself down ag»n in the bedT 

The train of thooght which he then fell into was what 
may be teimed in^nite. He first wondered—very 
sliKbtly — where Lint and Hawker were gone to, and thai 
allowed hia mind to hover for an instant around the proba- 
bility of thdr baTing ordered kidneys for breakfast ; it next 
atruck him that it must be somewhere about the hour at 
which old Scalpel was delivering hia lecture at the Hospital, 
and how very glad he, the Pilot, was at not being present. 
After extracting the greatest possible amount of comfort out 
of this idea, he next proceeded to count the number of panes 
in the windows of hia room, and then the exact quantity of 
rose-buds in the pattern of his bed-curtains, occasionally 
impartioz a dash of variety into hia calculations, by 
tracing dU sorts of fantastic figures of men and beasts in tl^ 
cracks in the cdling. 

At length, he lighted a third cigar and rang die bell. 

After a short period an ambiguous kind at individual, 
meant for a wwter, but strongly partaking of the charac- 
teristics of a pot-boy, made his appearance. 
, " Are those gentlemen below ! ' asked the Pilot. 

"No, sir, they a'ant," replied the wuter; "Iseedthem 
go ont pretty airiy this momm ! " 

" Very well," replied the Pilot, " bring me my boots, and 
1 11 get up." 

On this the waiter disappeared, and a short time aiW- 
wards a knock at the door announced that he hod again 
found his way up stain. 

"All right,' s^d tho Pilot, "pnt them down," and a 
noise as of a pair of boots dropping from the height of two 
feet, seemed to confirm the Pilot's rather haaty assertion. 

After putting on his boots, the Pilot found his toilet 
brought to an unexpected stand. 

" Why, where on eordi," said he, looking about, ' 
my trowsers — they "re not here — that fellow can't have been 
BO foolish as to take them down to brush — what humbug," 
and the bell was again rung for the ambiguous waiter, wn 
on coming np, was sent down for the missing garments. 

A few minutes elapsed, when he reappe^ed, but with 
the intelligence Uiat the clothes were not down stura, and 
therefore must be in the room. 

" Recollect, sir," added he, "tou a'ant sent 'em down to 
brush since you 've been here, and it a'ant likely I 'd go and 
take 'em of my own accord." 

Struck, apparently, with the force of this reasoning, the 
Pilot, aided by hia companion, again set about looking for 
the missing appaid in every nook and comer, hut of ci 
without success. 

" This is very strange," observed the Pilot, "you must 
liavegot them.' 

"But we a'ant, "expostulated the waiter-pot-boy. 

" They are not here, as you see," observed the Pilot, 
flattering himself ho was about to clench the business, 
"and the last place I was in was Tivoli gardens, on the 
occBsion of (be fgrand gala there yeetcrday evening. 1 
suppose I did not leave them there." 

"Appearantly you loft them somewhere else, then, 
ansiTcred his companion, "foi you a'ant brought them 
back, it seems." 

This remaik, wbethv justly or n^nstly, radier iwised ' 
the Pilot's ire. With some oDservationa aa to his beaag ' 
rather tired of having the wind whistliDg about h'la legs in 
that manner, he again affinned that Sie clotbea tmtut be | 
down stairSf and that be should feel obliged by the waiter's , 
going and finding them. ' \ 

The waiter, on his ude, hinted that it waa within the ruige 

of possibilitT that he might entertain strong objectiooa ;' 

|amst neglecting all his other duties to took for tbe I 

dot's garments, and left the room. ' 

After wailing five minutes, the Pilot again had teeocme j 
.. the bell, and then resumed hia occupation of pacing f' 
up and down. j 

No notice having been taken of hia summone. he tmee y 
more had recourse to the beU-rope, but this time pulled with ;' 
such vigourthattbe peal was heard through thewhole hooae. i| 

Shortly afterwart « confused murmur of voices was ' 
heard upon the stairs, and the next minute the anatHgnoos I i 
waiter appeared, preceding the master of the house, mecom- 'j 
panied by a couple of friends out of the parlour, a few habitmet 1 1 
of the tap-room, and a helper or two out of the stable^ who ' 
had come up with him in the laudable hope of seeing some J I 
one getting "hia head punched," though, with a true eenae of H 
impartiality they were not particular as to wheUter that 
"someone 'wasthePilot, the waiter.or thelondlordhimnelf. || 

On'the latter individual's inquiring the cause of all this 1 1 
noiseinhislestabiishmentitke Pilot replied that he had ina«lj ' t 
run? for his clothee, which they had refused to give h'm . 

Hereupon arose a horrible confusion — everyone spooking 
at once. 

" You're all a set of swindling blackgoarda," eicUimed 
the Pilot, highlr incensed. 

" If Uiat s the case," said the landlord, " yon better kftve 
the house as soon as possible. ' ' i 

"How can I leave it, when you've got my clothes?" 
retorted the Pilot. 

This sentence, conclu^ng u it did with on uurtion 
which was tbe cause of all the dispute, caused it to rage with 
more fiiry than ever, when suddenly the Pilot's eye canf[bt i 
sight of Heasra. Lint and Hawker's letter addressed to him, 
and Iving on the floor, when it had by accident fallen. 

Tbe perusal of this altered matters very muo^. The- 
Pilot grew cooler, and, with a fer greater portion of uriHUuty 
than he had bdore deemed necessary to infuse into his oon- 
Toraation, eiphuned the atote of things to the landlord. 

When he had concluded, the landlord asked him, in- 

replied that of course he did, and that he should very much - 
like to be acquiunted with tho individual who would cuwbt it. . 

Thelandlordthen replied that the Pilot was particnlariy* 
lucky in coming there, as his wish was gratified, seeing that' 
he, the landlord, doubted it extremely ; on which the I^lot 
said that the landlord had better mind what he was about, ood 
the other asked why, and tbe Pilot said he^ would show bin,, 
and the landlord, in a taunting manner, said be wished be 
would, but that he, the landlord, had strong misgiviDneD' 
the subject — the upsliot of the matter bang that the Taod' 
lord's observations were suddenly stopt short by two wdl— 
directed blows in the face, which knocked him over on the 
floor just in time to form a cushion for the ambiguous wiuter,. 
who instantly followed. 

Having thus disposed of these two, the Pilot must bare 
considered it his duty to assail the others, for be immedi- 
ately commenced an mdiscriminate attack on those behind. 
This occasioned a tremendous rush to the stairs, and in the 
scuffle which followed, the young 

' ' ' '■' It the power t- 

„„. . , andatlast found himself in tho yard of 

tbe inn, and bhortir afterwards in the grasp of two nolieemen, 
whom the cries of the landlady and her barmaid haa attracted 
to tbe spot 

A qunrter of an hour later the Pilot was being escorted 
to the police court, with half the fly- drivers, ticket-porters, 
fishermen, and blackguards then in Romsgate. It is true 
that hia costume was rather singular, seeing that it con- 
sisted of nothing more than a shirt, a pair of Wellington 

boots, and a blanket, which one of the poli '""'' — 

cured him, wrapped round hia body in the 
Arab's manUe, or a Roman's toga. 


ir of an 



rillt, — Tbc most niperficwJ sludi-nt of 
gcokigT luust be anitre lliat the 
J globe 19 fonncil of n strics of lijers 

I of cnrth arranged sometliing allcr 

\ IhGinnnntT oftlie skins composing 

an onion, nliteh — the Injurs not the 
skius — ore called itrala, nltlioagh 
the appellation ct first Bight cer- 
tainly appenra an erroncouB one, for 
Botliing could pissibly be crookeder. 
j Well, eftch of llii'sc ilrats cihibitB 

traces of difii'ient species of flnimals, 
from the ouster and (he cockle to the 
"^ lionandman. ItisBnpposedlhatthe 

earth nasatone time mhalntcd by Dotbing but eonlusiou, af^wards 
hj \csMtMea, Eubscqiicutlj by fiiJi, and so It went on improving until 
mankind generallv.aiid.thoSaoWMAN most particiGarly.uiJonled its 
snrftioe. Now, Ihave lately discovered that there banextraordinary 
aimilnritj between the conslnietion oftlie earth and the arrangements 
of a draning-roum card bosket. In the latter you find the Lord Fill 
Highstrikes and Sir Simon Somethings OL-cupyingthefirsthiyer: the 
second h composed of officers of the line : the tliirdof doctors, aChrist- 
tinoM^jor or two, and a fev Company's Officers, and so on to the 
end of the chapter— tliat is, of t tie curds — until at last humble Mr. 
Smith stops the scientific research. A great deal of tin and is 
to befbund towards the Hurface, andthere arc also veins of mourning 
lobe discovered which correspond to those ofcoel in the earth, 
although the former proceed trom decayed animal rather than 
vegetable matter. You may also occasionally meet with the fossil 
remains of an invitation to tome mammoth bn!l, whoso grimy 
appearance betokens its ju'imaval date. If you should deem these 
remarks TOrthj a place in your justly admired journal, you vill 
confer a favour on the British Association, and on. Sir, 

Your obedient servant. 
To The Sbotuait. J. Bucklakd. 

"Progress OF A Bill." — Ooe^of oar Civrespondents, who signs 
his letter "A Subscriber to the Illustrated London News," eidiibits 
so intense an anxiety Bw the withdrawal of W. B. Jcrrold's "Bill," 
that ha would stop its "proOToss" altogether. Now, as Bulwec 

five indubitaUe proof that Pelham was " bis own dear self," the 
nOTUA!), reasoning by analogy, sets down Douglas Jerrold for a 
"Man made of Money," and sufgests that in juttic« to his own 
reputation lie ought todiscoonl EiBaoD('s)AiJi/ 


Mb. Showman, — I see witU .sorrow tbat the spirit of 
iDQuTation ia invading our venerable institutions of Lords 
and OommoM. Feople talk of aboltsliing the old established 
forms, aa if those which were found to answer the purposes 
of our ancestors were not good enough for ii.^. Among otLer 
changes it is propobed to shorteu thoso attendant ou the 
prozress of a bill wrouKh the Uouae. 

TheLegislaturowould.iamjopinionand thatjofmyfrienda, 
be acting with a much (greater regard for the libertj' of the 
subject, if, instead of doiug away the forms in ijueation, they 
were on the contrary to extend tnem to the relations of social 
life. For instance, the eighteen questions now inseparable 
from a parliomentarf might thus beadapted tea tailor's bill. 

1. ■Tbatleavcbegivcntobringinlii9(Shears'|bill:' 3. "That 
his bill be read a first time ;' 3. ' That bis bill be read a second 
time' on some convenient opportunity; 4. 'That his hill be now 
read a second time' (on his Shears' calling) ; 5. ' That his bill be 
considered on a dav to be mutually named ;' 0. ' That his bill be 
considered ;' 7. ' I'hat the debtor and friends adjonm to some place 
of entertainment near at hand at Shears' expense ;' 8. ' That the 
result be declared on n given day ;' 0. 'That Shears bo requested to 
attend, on the day in question, to hear the result ;' 10. ' That the 
same be read to him ;' ] 1 . ' 'That the same be read a second tim<~ 
omitting the dispated items;' 13. 'That Shears tane with h 
customer as to the said items ;' 13. 'That his bill be oEain sei 
inos "billdelivored;" 'H, 'Thatyoupromisetoreadbisbillalhird 
time as soon as convenient ;' 1j. 'That his hill be really read a third 
time;' le. 'That hehumblyreqiiesthisbill be paid ;■ 17. 'That yon 
look upon this as a rather shomefkced demand;' 18. 'But that 
you nerertheless will consider of it in duo time, ' 

Bj giring a place in your columns, Mr. Showman, to 
these oraerrations, you will be conferring a benefit on society 
at large, and more particularly on 

Your obedient servant, 

YoiiKa Enqland. 

OuK readers will recollect that there was a rumour floating 
about some time ago that an inhuman monster in the 
Quarterly Sevieic was going to annihilate the light literature 
of the day. The announcement of tlie forthcoming new 
number has acted on the profession like the report of a gun 
on a lot of partridges ; and comic imters may now be seen 
flying about society in disconsolate confusion. As for Albert 
Smith, however, he need not be afraid. Ilia recent writings are 
quite heavy enough to keep his hide all safe fjom the lash. 

For our parts, wo await the attack with perfect confidence. 
Our course is quite dear. We shall know the writer of the 
article before a week bos passed from its publication ; and 
haying discovered the " unh^py beast" (as A'Beckett used 
to say in Figaro), we shall castigate him without mercy, and 
send him howling through the metropolis in such a miserable 
pligiit, that even his crwiitors won't he able to recc^ise hia 
mutilated cwcase. He sholl grin in mis-shapen hideousness 
from our piBorr every week. His friends shaH be nshamei 
to be BceB speaking to him ; and the very bays in the streets 
shall potnt at him, as the fellow that waa wopped by the 
SuowMAN. " Rigby, beware ! " 

Another rumour is, that Mr, CoTontry Patmore, the 
young poet, has a new volume coming out. We confess to a 
hking for hia poetry, but should prefer to see a little dash of 
grotesqacnesa introduced, to relievo the metaphysics which 
he is too fond of bringing forth. What docs the reader 
think of the frflowinE frdgnients, inleaded as a cross between 
the Showmah and Patmore ? 

" Tbey- talked about the weather, 
'He took her gentle hand. 
And they wandered ont together 

On the long-ribbed goldea sand, 

'Midst the shells and seaweed scattered 

By the ocean on the strand 1 " 

Heie the reader percuves the abrupt mtroduction, A la 

PatKon, of an unmarried c«uple. 

" Bright broke the laughiua ripples, 
Soft and creamy on the beach, 
Like the wine a fellow tipples, 

Viith the apple and the peach. 
After dinner from the rowdy 

The dad puts within his reach ! " 

" Hay, do not blnsh, dear Mary, 

U I kiss you here once more ; 
See here, my gentle fairy. 

Row the waters kiss the sliore, 
Uow the raiu-drops kiss the roses, 

Wlien the clouds their treasures pour I 
" ICow tlic birds the leaves are kissing, 
Aa Iher rest the weary wing — 

So if mother finds m 

And dcchves it's not 
Tell her to take a lesson 

From the practice of the Spring." 

Now for a dash of the metaphyacal : — 

" And if she still should bore us, 
Decloriag tbat it 's odd. 
Tell the moralist before us— 
Poor creature of the sod — 

" That T.oie'9 delicious passion. 

With its all^devonring fiame. 

Is but another fashion 

Of the garment of the samt^- 

Is hut the &voarite cuatume 

Of the everlasting Komc ] " 

With a Hook. — An anti-repealer tells us, that it ' 

wonder John O'Connell makes snch a good tlung ont of his 
father's "bones," as he was always a great hand at ctWtit' 
TKlt (castanets} among the people, 


We percdve from a case wliich latelr came before the 
Hammersmith Polico Court, that Mr. Delaficld, the lessee 
of the Rojtii Italian Ojiera, posaessea a stud of horses whoso 
Damea are borrowed from those of eminent actors and 
actressei. One is called Madame Vestris, another Charles 
Matheirs, a third Mrs- Kceley, and so on throughout the list. 

We BQ^eat that durinc such time as Corent Garden 
Theatre ,be not occupied, Hr. Delafield ahould introduce 
these horsea to the public. Ad animal nhich, in addition 
to beauties of on equine nature, posiesees the^roce of Madame 
Veatris, the ease nnd elecance of Charles Mathewa, or the 
BprighUiness of Mrs, Kedey, could not fail to be a thorough 
favourite with the public. And ve have no doubt but that, 
as the stud includee horses which are entitled, hj their 
dramatic talents, to bear such names as those which we 
have mentioned, it also contains some which possess qualities 
akin (o those of the members of the Italian Operas. We 
can fancy one of Mr. 
Delafield s magnificent 
drav horsea being worthy 
of Utenameof Lablache ; 
and he maj also poBsess 
some parCicolarl}; tno an- 
imal—if so, he is fortu- 
nate — with all the fire 
and vi;;our of a Qrisi. 

Alboni might be repre- 
sented bj a cob of en- 
._ gBfing qualities, while 
■ "TaBODunni" would of 
coursebe a thorough-bred . 

— We are not aware 

whether any of the dramatic stud would be able to act as 
inatrumental mu^ciona ; if so, it would be only fur towards 
Si^or Costa to make him godfather to one of the beat 
EUiimals. The in merit might be named after Sainton, 

and BO on, until all the principal instrumentalists in tlie 
Covent Ganlen Opera had their repreaentaUvee. If we may 
be allowed to Mid with a wretched pun, quite unworthy' of 
our reputation, we will state that, in case of our suggestions 
bring adopted, the singing at Covent Garden will be decidedly 

Tnffl woRKB WosDERs, — The Sneaker declares that liolf 
an hour ia anfficient to address the House. We shall hope 
after this to hear <^ more valoable " minutes" of Parliament. 



iT bdoved brother ! All we desire I 

! I quite Bgreo ! Tlw ' 


The number and the nature of qneationa wlueh the Snowv A7 
reodvea from corraipondeiita can scarcely be coneaived by . 
the general reader. To rererae the ezpreesion of the pennr- 
a-liner, they can be more oasily described than inuigiDM; 
and we have, therefore, deterouned to wdeaTonr to sife i 
some faint idJea of them by means of the following, wkicb : 
the poet whom we kaep has put into very beautJfiil metie : — 
Gentle Sbowuan, pritbee teU me 
Who '» to marry Jenny Lind ? 
Will ton say io your next number 

How a chap can riiae the wind ? 
Da«s His Grace the great Field Marshal 

Often go to bed in liquor ! 
When a certain Duke was bnnknipl. 

Do joQ think he pawned Ms ticker ? 
Who will win the next St. Lmx ! 
Mention, too, the icoond horse. 
Is there »ny ch»nce of Surplia 

Walking coolly o'er the courM ? 
If a man nott ndely kieke me. 

lOm English enbject 
I7 law to pay his rent f 
^hy does Sibthorpe wear a moosticlie t 
Why the Showuah wear a patch 

Why doea Hr. Douglaa Jerrold 

Sever finish any tale T 
U it from benetoLencfl, or 

la it from a want of sale! 
If my wife gets preciona noisj. 

Eav'n't laHghtlclick tier? 
If a mnu gets very wa-siefc, 

Ihink JOD Amct would make Iiim sii 
Why, when some folks go to Mai'galc, 

Do Ihcy bid a long adieu 
To (heir friends, as if they started 

For the distant Timbuctoo !* 
TeU me, Showuan, tell me tnHv, 

Who of JnniuB wrote the letters I 
Why do all Celts hale ns Sa.\ons, 

Is 't because thej hntc their betters i 

Here wo stop, as the last rcqueet is really too much for 
our feelings. 

• "Our poet" ought 10 be uhamed of hinudr f« ibc ibove rkni 

J. H- had belter trad 


I iulbmed IbU the subtUnce of hii verus hu ippeand 

I the tkctch of Uie in 



CiiApTER Xn, — Thb Man who owsb a Riter Yacht. 

M]nentlj In busineBs in the City, or, 
perchance, posseeses a wliarf some- 
whera above bridge. He is of jolly 
j babita ; afaTourerof limcheonB; never 

sticking at a pint of eberry Id the fore- 
noon, and having no objection to a 
glass of wmetbing cold-irilhout, pro- 
I vided it be after twelve o'clock. To 

/ drink Hpirits befora ooon ia, in his 

t opinion, to be dissipated, andnot "the 

} sort of tiling — joa know." In cos- 

7 tume be is partial to blue coata with 

' anchor buttons, and rather likes people 

jto observe tar stains upon tus nnnda. 
'Afloat, that is to say, aomewbere be- 
tween Graveaend and the Pool, be 
wears a cap with a gilt band, and is 
careful to aon a jacket. He possesses 
a huge wardrobe of outside gannents, 
including pilot-coata of unknown 
thicknees, which he is particular in 
^^ having made as shapeless as possible, 

"^ and oH-skin wrappers, warranted to 

stand any climate between London Bridge and 
the Nore. He does not, as has been falsely represented 
by more than one of his delineators, interlard all his 
discourse with sea terms ; he does not ask a lady in 
a quadrille to " fill her topsails and shoot o-head ; ' or 
request tlie performer on the piano-forte, at the end of a 
figure, to "stand-by and bela^:" but he likes to have an 
opportunity of displaying his nautical lore, notwith- 
standing ; 18 partial to salt-water novels, and always reads 
the intensely tenhnical salvage cases in the newspapers. 

The man who owns a river yacht lias generally il 
great ally and factotum in the shape of a tarry old Triton, 
half-sailor half- waterman, who officiates as captain of tile 
croft, and sometimes, too, as crew. With this canvas- 
breoclied gentleman the man who owns a river yacbt is 
on very confidential tenus. He talks of him as being a 
species of unappreciated Lord Nelson ; is of opinion that 
be can sail a hatch-boat better ^an any man afloat ; and 
is certain that be could pick his wa^ to Margate jetty 
blindfold. This confidential mariner is eternally seen pot- 
tering about the yacht. He is to bo found scrubbing 
away at her counter at low water, and is always examin- 
ing ner moorings and doing odd jobs — nobody bat him- 
self knows what they ore — about the rigging. For, 
understand us, we do not talk of Koyol Yacht clubbists 
— of the owners of hundred ton cutters, and two hundred 
ton schooners, of which the arrival at or departure from 
Cowes is chronicled in the Hampshire newspapers and 
the 3forni7ig Foil — but of the more humble proprietors 
of the three, five, and ten ton hatch-boats, which go dodg- 
ing about the Thames and the anchorage-grounds, whicn 
we liave described, at a length worthy of the importance 
of the subject, in an early chapter of this invaluable 
series. To resume: the confidential crew is frequently 
assisted in its labours on board tlie yacht by the gentle- 
man proprietor ; and the two have been seen, on many 
distinct occasions, to drink beer togetlier. The man who 
owns a river yacht generally belongs to some small local 
club which sports a tiny flag, has a code of private signals 
which nobody understands, the members of which must, 
once amonth, at a small third-rate iiotel, drink grog, sing 
the " Bay of Biscay," the " Death of Nelson, and the 
" Loss who Loves a Sailor ;" and which gets up a funny 
little match, once in each season, which event the club is 
proud to have noticed in a very small paragraph, under 
the heod " Aquatics," in BeUt Life m LanAm. 

The man who owns a river yacht is not very fond of 
venturing beyond Sea Reach. He occasionally, nowever, 
when the weather looks Mttled, crawls down the coast as 
far OS Margate; and if he feel narticulorlv plucky, and 
the sea be remarkably smooth, be gallantly doubles tlie 
Forland and enters Bamagate Harlwur, with the air of a 
man who has discovered a New World and thrashed an 

Armada. This is an exploit whicti furaisbes matter lor 
a good twelve-months' brag. And the man who keeps a 
river yacht always refers to it as "tliat time — vou 
know — when I was knocking about— down Channel. 

During the summer season the man who owns a river 
yacht is tond of having rooms down at Erith or Gravee- 
cnd, the vicinity of which places of naval resort forms bis 
favourite cruizing ground. He is always very active on 
the match-day of a large club — the Thames Yacht, for 
instance; and is fond of stationing his boat in such a 
position OS to make her seem for a brief period the leading 
craft of the race. When the yacht which is really the 
first of the competing craft comes up, and ia about to 
shoot past him, the man who owns ariver yacbt suddenly 
bears up and stands off in another direction, he and the 
confidential crew giving a loud hurrah in token of their 
approbation of the prowess of the triumphing craft, and 
OS a Bjmbol that Britannia really does rule the waves. 
Qui' fnend then cruizes about until the competing vessels 
have rc-apjteored, and nearly arrived at what was the 
stiirting-pomt, and which is the winning-post, when \ 
cunningly manages to sail past the buoy, just a-head of 
the winmue crait, and occasions ignorant speculators to 
imagine— the delusion b^g assisted by the gold band 
round his cap — that he has sailed and gained uie niatcfa. 
Feeling by this time pretty tired of his day's tacking and 
veering, tne man who owns a river yacht quits it, returns 
home by a Greenwich steamer, and leaves the confidential 
crew to bring the gallant vessel to her moormgs. 

That ni^t at home, he slips on a snug dressing- 
gown, puts his feet on the hob, has his brandy-and-water 
very hot and strong, and considers himseu to be an 
adventurous mariner, a fellow with the dare-devil of the 
Bucaneers, one who goes down to the sea in sliips, and 
sees the wonders of the great deep. 

Latest from the Uiob laud 3. —Thanks to tlio strenu- 
ous and untiring eiertions of the reporters of the difierent 

London ioumals, the royal "privacy" ' 

" public' as usual. 

WniRuoia WisBOit. — We cannot exactly coinnde 
with the views of the Irish in desiring rotattHy or ambu- 
latory parliaments ; for bung of a rotatory character, we 
fear the debates would never come to an end ; and as 
for dieir being ambulatory, it looks tot much like 
" Walker." 




Our country readers will learn with astonishmeut and dis- 
may that London was invaded last week by a body of French 
soldiers of the National Guard. They entered the city from 
the docks, and marched towards the West-end, attacking 
indiscriminately the public-houses on their way. They 
lighted cigars at nearly every shop they came to, and clanked 
their sabres as they marchea out — carrying fire and sword, in 
fact, through the streets of our metropolis. 

The alaini created by the spectacle will be eftsily-^-per- 
haps we okonld say tmeasily — imagined by ewr si^Mcribers. 
There wae a great call made for the Lumber Troopv but, by 
a singidar coincidence, it was found that all those p^llant 
veteraBfl bu>pened to be particularly employed in their coal- 
cdlar»«t me moment when tiiey were wanted. An absurd 
attemft was made to fasten scytnes on some of the twopenny 
omnibuases, with a view to charging with them, as our 
revered ancestors used to do; but the effort resulted in nothing 
but a fright to some old women, and a graze with the instru- 
ments on the shins of the conductors. 

The head-quarters of the invading army have been fixed 
in Leicester Square. 

Since the above was written, we have discov^^ that we 
were the dupes of an unprincipled penny-a-liner, and that 
the invaders were ndther more nor less than a party of 
National Guards, who ciime over from the fiie at Boulogne 
to have a glimpse of the town ; but we believe it to be true 
that some alarm was excited among the unthinking by their 
appearance. Be that as it may, the Hner shall be punished 
for his exaggeration ; and we mive determined to compel him 
to associate with the set of his colleagues who are dogging 
the Queen, at present, in Scotland. 

Roman Rebels. — As several of the Popish Ecclesiastical 
l>ody are supnosed to be implicated in the Irish rebellion, it 
is to be hopea that they will act up to their religion, and go 
to " Confession" at once. 

Ill-Tdied Conduct. — It appeared in evidence that the 
Chartists met at cofiee-houaes in St. Giles's. How strange, 
that diough close to ** Seven Dials'* they were never " up to 
the time of day!" 



A OLtoOTMAK (whose name the Twm$ says-^and with great 
truth — it would be cruel to give) was charged last week 
before Mr. Norton with having passed a bad half-crown to 
an omnibus conductor. 

It was proved that the reverend gentleman received change 
from the complamant to the amount of one-and-sixpence : 
that the complainant in testing the half-crown first smelt it, 
and then almost " bent it in two" (as the reporter absurdly 
expresses it) : that ^ reverend gentleman's attention was 
called to the cinMmstance of the half-crown being a bad 
one : that he refiaad to give back the eighteen-pence which 
he had received as cimnge from his bad half-crown, and even 
to pay his fare, which was one shilling. 

The reverend f^mtlaman was of comse given in charge, 
the fact of his havii^ paAsed the bad half-crown was proved, 
and the defence wa6^ tnat if he had returned the ei^hteen- 
pence which he had received as chan^ from his bad half- 
crown, or had paid the shilling which Eeowed for his fare, hiz 
character would have been compromised. What a character 
to be compromised by the payment of a just debt ! 

The worthy (of being despised) magistrate thought the 
clergyman had behaved very properly ** under the circum- 
stances," and reprimanded tne conductor for ha'\'ing pursued 
the only course which was open to him. 

It was suggested that the conductor might have asked 
for the clergyman's address : but the man who would refuse 
to give bacK eighteen-pcnce which he had received as 
change from a bad half-crown, might also decline giving 
his card, which certainly could not fe of so much value. 

We wish the Times had published the reverend gentle- 
man's name : it would have been a severe pimishment, but 
one which he ricldy desen^ed. 


In an intellectual and refined age like the i)resent, irhen 
costermongers speak French, and sweeps conmiit suicide, the 
young ladies in the middle aad lower walks of life are stran^Ijr 
acteoon by a love of the marvellous and romantic — ■• mucb so, 
indeed, that they look wi^ scorn on every book which has 
not a Fitz-James for its hero, or a ClementiDa Wilmot, or 
some oiie else equally intereetine, for its heroiae. 

These same young ladies, who would ahoost fieunt at the 
idea of knowing the nnce of a loaf, spend in leading maud- 
ling nonsense many nours which might be &r mose profita- 
bly employed ia the pursuit of household kaiowledge, or^ in 
improving their minds with use^ information, ia which 
they are lameatably deficient. We can faney one of them 
seated on abench^ some romantic spot — Hampton Court Gar- 
dens, for instance — ^uts accosted by an enraptured swain: — 

" Say, gentle maid, what is *t you read 

With inch a sad delight. 
Which thus can cloud wiSi sorrow's gloom 

Those features once so bright — 
Which thus can cause the tear to start — 

Which thus thy mind distracts?" 
The gentle maid with sobs replies : 

" The AOrphan in five A Acts." 



We don't know whether the present age maj propedy be 
called an age of '* progrees" or not, but we thmk there can 
be no doubt that it is an age of poieon. We see it in every- 
thing. G. W. M. Reynolds poisons the miads of the populace 
through the medium of his deleterious dulnees ; the Corporation 
of London poison the atmosphere by keeping u^ those ancient 
institutions the cess-pods ; all London censures to poison 
the Thames by an agglonoeration of abominations ; and 
Lord Morpeth does a EtUe business on his own account, by 
poisoning the S^T>entine. Then cooks poison ^ple by 
hlane mange, and there still are creatures who distil Bntiah 
bran<hr J Our infants are 8tu£fed with dangerous ^xirs 
and filthy cordiab ; ow b^s suck painted Idiipops ; 
our young men «noke poisonous Cubaa; and etery- 
body aceusee everybody dse of poisoning. Protestants 
declare that Catholioe peiaon die minds of the people, 
and vtM versA. There is a small gaiur of Atheista, too, 
8ome(where in the back slums of tawn, mo publt^^ weekly, 
a twopenny dose of the most deadly poison, and call it a 
** Reasoner.'* We should like to know why theee wretches 
are not punished at well as the diepensere of araenio, since 
their aim is to corrupt and destroy the soul ? 

Poisoning, in its literal form, l^ die agency of arsenic, 
has beeome, too, dreadfully frequent among the poor, a most 
fearful evidence of the depravity of the age. Where are our 
preachM*s and moralists that tney make no attempt to sup- 
press tUs? What are Government about that they do 
nothing towards it ? 

In fact, we bid fair to reahse, literallyj the old proverb, 
** What is one man's meat is another man s poison, ' by all 
of us subsisting on the poisoning, in one way or other, of our 


Poor Anstey shoots with aim untrue. 
Talks thick as hail, but iniures few. 
Discharges words which plainly tell 
He 11 soon discharge himself as well. 

Metropolitan Improvements. — We perceive tliat some 
individual of lowly'mind has just opened a Whittington Hat 
and Cap Warehouse, near the club of the same name. We 
suppose that we shall next have the Whittington Boot and 
Shoe Mart, to be followed by the Whittington Early Coffee- 
stall, at the comer of the street, for such members as are 
obliged to be up betimes, in ordw to take do^ni the ^shuttere 
and clean the windows of the establishments to which tliey 
belong. The list will also doubtless include a Whittington 
Pie House, where, in order to render the matter compTetr, 
Whittington's Cat will of course play a conspicuous part» 




Since the severe articles in the Titnei, Louis Blanc 
declares that England is as bitter as Oavl against him. 

The Irish, when meditadns^ an attack, are frequently 
described as being well armed; but when the test comes, their 
retreat proves that ihey are better legged. 

It has been said that there are no reptiles in Ireland. 
What, then, was Smith O'Brien when crawling amongst 
Widow Ciuinack's cabbages? 

We perceive that more troops have embarked for 
Ireland in the " Pigmy" government steamer. Would it not 
be appropriate for the said Pigmy to proceed to Scotland 
afterwaros and bring back the lUUe Premier? 

^ The Sunday Times sajs that there is no such thing as 
Irish distress, because Jenny Lind bos been engaged at such 
high terms that the prices at the Dublin theatre must be 
raised. According to this doctrine, there can be no pauperism 
in England while the Italian Operas are fully attended ; 
nor can any one be in want of a penny loaf as long as the 
Sunday Thnei is sold for sixpence. 

Some of the jockeys who rode losing horses at Doncaster, 
and who belaboured their animals most unmerdiyiy, have 
now learned that " there *s many a slip between the cup and 
the whip.*' 

Several instances have lately occurred of men leaving 
their wi?es in Englimd, to seek tneir fortunes in some of the 
colonies. Accormng to Euclid's axiom that " the whole is 
greater than its part," it is very absurd for these persons to 
kave their better halves for the sake of better quarters. 

Complaint has berai made in some of the repeal prints of 
the brumbf manners of L<mx1 Hardinge, dcoing his recent 
commana in Ireland. This allegation cannot excite surprise 
in those acouainted with the gallant viscount, as he has 
alwa]^ been looked upon as an off-hamded man ever sinoe the 
battle of L^y. 

O'MahoBj, the rebel chieftain, being a 
himself in gfrnm wmk gold. We sugj^est the imifinm should 
be green bane, Ihe oMy hays he is l&ely to achieve. 

firm asarodL 
it is a 

liave frequently daebmd Ih a mscl ves as 
the emblem'of tfasir uijuirtiji . we fear 

The Frettcii Police are very proud of their reputation for 
skill and dexterity in the apprehension of offenders. The 
escape of M. Marc Caussidiere, however, proves that in this 
instance they could not come quite up to the Mark. 

Mr. D<^eny, m order to amuse his f>llowers, is in the 
habit of leaping over three or four horiea, intermingled occa- 
sionally with a jackass. This is a vaulting anXition by 
which Mr. Dohsny may not perhaps «b oi^ liarm ; but to 
clear his political hobbies is a leap which may perhaps cost 
him his neck. 

John 'Cmmeli ought to be taken w) under the Mendicity 
Act, as he had writteui a letter to Clarendon on Repeal, 
pegging the question. 



In London, when the funds were low. 
And business was uncommon slow, 
The Quadrant only on the go. 
And &at kept moving sluggishly. 

But London saw another sight 
When National Guards arrived at night. 
And Lumber Troopers took to flight 
Across the pavement slippery. 

In shirt and stockings fast arrayed. 
The Lord Mayor gasped out, sore afraid. 
And with the Aldermen essayed. 
To join the flying cavalry. 

To cut and run they *d stoutly striven, 
But back to battle they were driven ; 
And then the foremost rank was given 
The Bunhill Row Artillery. 

But bolder yet that troop must grow. 
Or, London conquered by the foe, 
The Gallic cock will proudly crow 
On Temple Bar right merrily. 

'T is mom — ^but Specials, in a swoon, 
Won't reach the Mansion House by no<Mi, 
Where frantic Gibbs and '* pale-faced Moon 
Groan in the butler *s pan-try. 

The combat deepens — on ye brave. 
Who rush to Guildhall or the grave ; 
Save, Magog ! oh, the city save, 
And charge with all the Lavery, 

Few French shall tread when freemm meet 
Turtle on Lord Mayor's day to 


But hung on high, with dsaglinff 'feet. 
Swing opposite St. S^idcm*il 



Although a great many works en tfaa abow subject have 
aheady been pubHahed, several indiapensabie ptoticulars 
have invariably been omitted. In order to supply this defect, 
die Showman has determined on dcawtn^ up and publishii^ 
the following suppleoMntary n^ea, which are indispensable 
to all such as wish to act after the most approved model of 
the first ** fast " men of the day : — 

1. If yoQ cany a stick, always swi^r it round m yoa go alone. 
TU« wiH mve joa a free and easy air. If yea hit anj one in the 
fiiee it wUl only aiM to the tSksk, and attract people's attention 
more sorely. 

2. Always poke yoor face noder the bonnet ^ any woman you 
may haj^n to pass, especially if she be alone and uaprotected. 
Should any one obsorre this and bo inclined to resent it, do not 
notice ban, hot pass on : it is not worth the while of a &8t man 
to get into any squabble with an individual of such low ideas. 

3. Never pay your tradesmen's bills ; it is mlgar to do so. 
Should any one of jour creditors ever meet you, make him all 
sorts of grovelling excuses, and be^ him not to be hard with you. 
This increases the humour of the thing vastly. 

i. Should any poor wretch tsil jrou he is starving, and ask you 
to bestow a halfpenny to enaUe mm to procure a bit of bread, 
give him a cut with your cane, aiid let him know that you are not 
to be tiJcen in. 

5. "WImb yon go to the theatre, always reiuse to take vour hat 
off unlfl yOB eve obliged : this will ere ate a disturbance, which will 
interrupt the ptrfbrmance and be productive of a great deal of fun. 

6. When you enter a colTee-room or chop-house, always call 
the waiter by some christian name or another : no'er mind whether 
you hit upon the right one or no ; it is better to be wrong than to 
name him as other people do. 

Y. Above all, never walk out with your mother or sister : 
it would make people imagine that you felt affection for them, 
which is ezceediagly dummy and slow. 



Tifw the Firtt — ^Thk Morkino OF tr> Gueat Irish Rebblliok. 



View ths Stemd — Ths Etekiko of thk Gbkat Ibish Rebellios. 


[frou our ovh corrsspondent.] 

" ~ING arrived sa&ly in Boulogne, 
prooeeded to fraternise with the 
-nmne oflScere, in hopes thdt tbej 
would allow me to pass my 
flannel waistcoats without pay- 
ing duty. This attempt waa 
attended nitU signal fuilure, 
and the only person who made 
a genuine offer of frateroisation 
waa an Enfclishman, with mou- 
, Btaches and a red waistcoat, 
I; who invited me to play at 
E( icartl, and turned up the king 
'' every time that lie dealt. 
r One of the principal an 
ments of Monday was a donkey 
race, which I shall pass c 
/ as a most asinine anair. 
. race in sacks fallowed, and 
E cited great enthusiasm among 
■- the spectators. At startinf;, 
considerable odds were laid 
against any one I'eaching the winning-post, for the course bad 
been marked out on the sands, and it was confidently asserted 
that the sea would come in firdt. Before the race, the animals 
took thtnr prelintinary jumps, and were pronounced to be in 
a fine dirty condition. When they pulled up (their sacks], 
it waa evident that the traininz of one or two of them, at 
a neighbouring eitaminet, had nad the best possible effect. 
After they had fairly got off. the favourite made ali the jump- 
ii^, and about two to one were now laid on the ground, from 
which they did not rise until after the conclusion of the race. 
Afte' a severe contest the favourite won by exactly a length, 
which he waa nnfortunate enough to measure on the sands. 
The next heat was won by the same animal, who hopped 
over the coarse. In the evening, many thou-ands changed 
bands — not in consequence of the race, hut of various pubUc 

TtmsDAT. — I rose early, for the purpose of being present 
at the distribution of alms to the poor. As a member of the 
literary profession I applied for my shore, hut my claim was, 
I raffret to say, refused. I have wtittea to the British consnl 
on Ura subject. I then proceeded to witness the amusement 
of dimbmg the greasy prfe, and eodeavoured to parody 

" Fsir clisie, nhcre ev<xy seaam miles," £c. 
whii^, luckily for your readers, I waa wniAle ta Mwomplish. 
Thisclimbing reminds the phitosophioal obMrverofambilwo, 
for the higher you rae the nHA« t^iMioe foa hava of Uling. 
1 most say tlint in spite of the temptalMa of tin ptne — • 
silver watdi — lbs. summit of the tall and groaiiy pola wns an 
eminenoe wU^ I bad no wish to attain : than are many 
characten ■ wUth wte may shine besides that of a polar 
star. Tte (mIb 1h4 been rendered so very slippety that oU 
who eri saw wied C» weunt come down li<M lightning — 
indeed, M bm «a f ipw yr iato AIneIiDa■M■^ I nwy soy like 
greaadl liufciaiag. n is impossible t« WMrt wkK sort of a 
watch the pnM waald have proved ; bat it >• ^te ociSain 
that,Hao«MgMnedit, it did n't "go." Pohapa the wh«fe 
affair eiB be hot explained in thefollowing stanza, in which 
I have aaiOted Byron : — 

The He onil ^caet. 
Till' He aaj greae?. 

^Vhidi covered o'er that pak no high, 
^0 qukt slipped ilown the bnaivi geese, 
Tliat noDe at Imglh lo rise ireaM try. 
The nli'cr watch is up there jct, 
B«t none that silver wstch eaa geU 

Wednesday.— Grand departure of S27 National Guards 
to Folkestone. Chorus on leaving die harboui' — " Noaer 
pour htpatrU." Arrival of the Natiowd Guards at Folke- 
stone, witliout being shipwrecked. General tbanksgivinc. 
Terrorof the natives of Folkestone at being invaded by the 
French. Rc>toration of confidence, and general enUnU 

While the above afiecting tableaux were bcinx enacted, » 
balloon ascent took place. It was rumoured Uiat Prince 
Albert Smith would take a seat in the car ; hut dioee who 
remembered bis failure in the character of an " intrepid 
aeronaut" at Vauxhall Gardens were of a different opinicsi. 
Thank heaven, he performed a prudent part ! The balloon 
fell into the sea, and although ev^ one was saved, I coidd 
not bave endured the pain ofknowing that the representative 
of all that is great and noble in Engli^ literature — '" '-' 
perilforeven '' 

The following highly interesting fragment wu read to the 
Royal Society ot Bibliomaniacs at their last sitting, hr 
G. Twaddle, Esq., the talented author of " Ye Convicte hu 
Curse," nn Elizabethan epic, in twelve bo(^ printed in 
bhick letter at the expense of the society. 

The fragment was found by this gendeman dnring his 
late trip in uie Highlands, and bciu« strong intasal marks 
of its authenticity. 

TnE Fall of London, 

Denris the smcU of roast vpiiison. The reracmbroBce <if currant 
Jelly dwellvth oil the mind or Jones. He is invited to iHbiii i 

At Fulliam dwelt his host : his shop is in the City. His step 
in the coanting-bonse is dreaded : his apprentires quail bdbic W 
looks. His lliouglits ore given to frlendBhip— to Ji 
veyor of butler. 
[Ilcra unfonuDalcljr there i> a break in Iht origilul M.S.,ir 

He Btandeth in theetreet of vehicles;* he luakdh anviKL 

His slick is raised : f but all is silent aroood. If be wouM ao 

ore Rslk, he must ride on the wings of the Oarm, fat d* M^bm 
near — no — nor a csb 1 
Oh : why was this desert in the lo>« ! Afia^ ya nporten, and 

II — I lir., ti,^ g^^^ ^^^y f^]^, ^^ j^m^ ^ hnger the 

n-vana over the pMnaiM t innraig 
ir brouf(hani9 oi-er Iba V nrmifcg a 
ity DO more ! Is ska nuael s^ au^ 

■ MwllitclyPiccrtaijiibere 


That mirrars are endaed with thonghta. 

Though stranse, yet seems c<»ieot. 
Since no nght-miuded person watt 
Ucny tliat they reUecL 

The Sunday Tima, in speakiut of the sukacripaaa room 
at Doncoster, sBya it was *' ao filled with ehnxb of cigar 
smoke, that the corka burstinz from soda-wain' battles could 
scarcely fly tkwj^ it" I ! This is laying it on rather too 
diiek. Was the vritv able ta walk tlirovgfa the smoke ? 
and if so. does he mow with the same monientoai as a cork 
propelled from a aada-water botde ? And is he in die habit 
of breathing anything— exo^t absurdity ? if so, what are 
hie luBgs made of? The room cannot have been half so 
diMdy as the ideas of the i>enoB who wrote the above trash. 

DianEARTENise PKOsPBcn. — Several memhers of the 
Whittington Cluh are about to give an anrntonr theatrical 
performance at the Strand Theatre, as tliey did lost year. 
In our quoJitiea of critics, w« alicdl naturally have to be 
frcsent, aad, va a matter vf CMirse, undergo unutterable 
toitiiio hK «w» m three hounu Wo trust, tht^oro, diat the 
^ntlomon ia ^nation wil! let this be thdr last attempt, 
since, al^^Nlf TBrying the language of the frogs in the fable 
in refei-eBo* to thrar boyish persecutors, " though it may be 
a play lo them, it 's death to us. " 

A Facetious Fallacy. — ^A young gentleman who had 
paid much more attention to logic than his creditors, was so 
much struck with the ingenious paradox which proves that 
the hare cannot catch the tortoise, that he incautiou.'^ly 
imagined that the swiftest hailiff could not catch him when 
he had once started. He therefore became self-confident, and 
ran on wholly indifierent to the speed of the law-functionarv. 
It is almost superfluous to add, that the youth who thought 
be had logic at his fingers' ends, found that he himself was 
at the fingers' ends of uie baiiiif almost immediately. 


Now tumbled in the fire, alas ! " 

From out the /ryi«/7-pan, 
O'Brien in a hroU must be, 

The vain, ambitious man I 

Not satisfied with " cellar " ikre. 
That knight of " tea and toa«t " 

Has burnt nis fingers in the vain 
Attempt to rule the roast ! 



[from the PtTPPET-aHOW €0MMIg8I«KER.] 

I ARRIVED here a few days since, and was immediately 
** drawn" to the hotel where I am now ** quartered." You 
are aware that the only object with which I came to Rams- 

fate was a deformed gentleman, whose acquaintance I enjoy; 
ut there are so many points connected with the place— not of 
an epigi*amroatic nature, for with those you are always well 
supgli^ — that I feel it my duty, as a philanthropist and a 
comic writer, to bring them bemre your notice, in hopes of 
benefiting the inhabitants through your medium. 

The town is as full as the Fdppbt-Show OflSce on the 
day of publication. I was unable at first to obtain a single 
bea, although the landlord found means to '* accommodate" 
me (as he sarcastically said) with a couple — one on the 
coffee-room tabic, where it would of course have been im- 

E roper to remain after the usual absurd hour for commencing 
reakfast ; the other on a staircase at the top of the house, 
where 1 luxuriated until a loud and disagrecaole cry of "all 
out," which I understand was addressed to the bathers in 
the sea, served as a hint that it was also time for me to make 
my egress. 

TuQ amusements of Ramsgate I have not been able to 
discover. Those persons who attempt anything of the sort 
endeavour to find it in walking past each other and riding on 
donkiea — in attending the libraries, where there are no books, 
and the reading-rooms, where there are no newspapers. Then 
in ^e evening (which begins in Ramsgate several hours 
earlier than in London) there are concerts at those libraries 
where there are no books, and where the singers have, unfor- 
tunately, only to be heard to be at once appreciated. There 
is, moreover, a Concert di camera obscura, which takes place 
in the promenade close to that wonderful exhibition. The 
leader of the band, which executes — that is, murders — all 
sorts of music, is, we believe, " from Her Majesty's Theatre : " 
at all events^ his playing is quite worthy of Mr. Balfe*s 

If, however, the gentleman is not "from Her Majesty's 
Theatre," all we can say is, that he forms an extraor- 
dinary exception to the musicians generally, both of Ramsgate 
and of Margate. The orehestra at Ti voli — the orchestra at the 
Assembly itooms — the orchestra at Ranelagh — and, as we 
firmly bdieve, the execrable and not sufficiently- to-be-despised 
orchestra of the promenade at Ramsgate, are all composed 
of persons "from Her Majesty's Theatre." We may be 
allowed to hope that they will be very far from it the next 
time we honour Mr. Lumley vnth a visit. 

There appears to be no Progressista party in Ramsgate : 
no clianfTo has taken place in the "entertainments" (as they 
are facetiously called) at the Libraries for many years past. 
The comic sin^rs roll their eyos in the same manner, distort 
their mouths m the same manner, and sing the same *' Von 
horse chay," as thev did some .'dozen jears ago. Unfortun- 
ately, the "Arab norse" continues to enjoy a popularity 

more than commensurate with its merits ; and the wheel of 
fortune, with 1897 sixpenny tickets and a single ten-shilling 
one (which, not having Ixin seen for many years, is looked 
upon as fabulous by the best authorities),' is turned to the 
same lucrative advantage which it has enjoyed since the last 

As far as I have been enabled to judge, Ramsgate afibrds 
no fair specimens of the literature of the country. The roost 
"eminent writer" is a certain P. Pearce, Esq., who has 
gained a celebrity as a proprietor of bathifl|^machines, and 
who aspires to the reputation of a poet. Hw abilities, how- 
ever, do not correspond with his intentions, ae may be easily 
ascertained from a perusal of an extract from his poem on 
the Siege of Seringapatam, which, as a hack critic would 
say, "is to be seen on every bnthing-machine in the town." 

In one line of this effusion P. H. Pterce, .Esq, speaks of 
the walls " groaning beneath the slain," which is evidently 
intended as a complimentary cttbnra to the slain, who had 
just been groaning beneath me walls. 

But the inhabitants seem to be deficient even in orthogra- 
phy. For instance, the word " Prospect" (as any one may 
observe who has ever been on tlie promenade) is divided 
into two syllables, of which the first is formed of the letters 
Pr — while the latter is composed of o s p e c t. But the most 
amusing piece of English — I mean Ramsgate— literature is an 
announcement which states that " for the safety of children 
and the comfort of others, any person injuring^ the fence, 
riding, driving, or leading cattle of any description, cutting 
turf, or making holes in the promenade, tcithout permission 
being had from Mr. J, WeUs, will be prosecuted.' Now the 
first thing which strikes a stranger in reading the above, is 
the extraordinary habits of persons whom it is necessary to 
caution against " riding any species of cattle:" then again, 
how can "cutting turf or making holes in the promenade" 
interfere with " the safety of children?" And, after all, one 
is led to infer that by "obtaining peimission from Mr. J. 
Wells" (who, if he be not stricter m other matters than he is 
with his composition, must be a very easy sort of man), any 
of the horrible crimes which the public are warned from, 
may be committed with impunity. 

It is made to appear, from the announcements of a 
" Mutual Protection Society," that Ramsgate is infested by a 
horde of robbers of the most ferocious description. Some of 
the inhabitants have formed themflelves into an association, 
of which the object is to guarantoe its members against all 
sorts of outrages, from Ming stopped against their will in 
the streets, to housebreaking ami murder. The members 
are certainly very lucky fellows : if an^ " person or persons" 
d^:e to " stop" one of them^ a sum of forty shillings is offered 
for the apprehensbn and conviction of the miscreant ; but 
those who do not belong to the Society may, it appears, be 
nuirdered with impunity, as far as the " mutual" gentlemen 
are concerned. The Association, moreover, engages to give 
the value for property lost by its constituents, i subscribed 
to it on my arrival here, and endeavoured to obtain a repay- 
n>ent of some money which I lost in rafilin^. The wretches, 
however, have refused to pay me. I shall, therefore, say 
nothing more about the place. 

P.S. — I was induced to-day to taste one of the dgantic 
oysters which Ramsgate proiuces. I am afraid 1 shall 
taste it for a month to come. 

Good Security. — The Times infonns lu tliat Mr. John 
O'Conuell makes an appeal to the tail of the moral force 
faction to agitate for railiamentary sittings in Ireland. 
The Showman wishes he may join them and remain faith- 
ful ; for, like the tethered ass, he may be less iiyuriovs if 
tied to a stump. 

A Cabinet Toast. — May no man, by " kicking up a 
breeze" aa:ainst the Government, ever succeeil in "raising 
the wind ' amongst the people ! 

An Escaped Lunatic. — If the guaidians of Bedlam 
have missed one of their inmates, they may hear tidings of 
him bv applying at our office, as we have recentlv met with 
a gentleman who believes that the funds votetl tor Lxiland 
went to the poor. 



1 they had anifed at tbo 
'ourt, the crowd, with 
and,_ we may ercn ven- 
inbridled exercise of the 
Lculties for which crowds 
are soiuatlrcelebrated, 
hftd already converted 
the prisoner inlo a 
Cliartiat emifisary, a 
iiinaway bankrupt, a 
foreign spy, and ap 
Irish rebel, 

By what process 
each of these several 
ideas found its way 
into the heads of it.i respective partisans was, and most 
likely, aa is generally the ease, ever will be, a profound 
mystfry. Stiu this stale of things was not without its 
merit, aa on the disappearance of the Pilot though the door- 
way of the Court, it was the cause of an agi^cnble diversion 
in the day's proceedings, and tended niateriaily to lessen 
the tnnai to which the assembled multitude musi, while 
waiting outside, otherwise inevitably Irnve fallen a vic^m, 
by getting up a pugilistic contest, on a most lively scale, 
between a ticket-norier, in a while smock-frock and a 

flared hat, and a ny-driver, distinguished by n yellow neck- 
andkerchief, a very seedy long greatcoat, and a iieciiharly 
hofti-ae voice ; the sunrk which brought about lliis social 
explosion being a slight disa^n'eeinciit as to which of the 
classes just enuniemted the object of tlieir surmises belonged. 

On Uie Pilot being introduced before the magistrate, that 
functionary, who, in comptiance with the maxim that 
" wliere tl'iere is a doubt it is to be given in favour of the 
accused," looked upon the Pilot, the instanthe saw him, as 
a miscreant and malefactor bj nature, asked him, in a very 
sarcastic tone, whether he believed that Londoners thought 
they were goini; to have it all their own way in that part of 
the world ; and further, whether he imagined that he could 
insult tlie Court with impunity, as his appearance there with 
a cigar in his mouth clearly testified he aid. 

The Pilot answered that such an idea never entered his 
head, and immediately removed the ofiending object, thereby 
saving the five or six policemen, who constitute the " force ' 
of tlie place, and who hod immediately made a savage rush 
at him, that trouble. 

The magistrate having obsoredtliat his victim had better 
mind how he answered, as there was such a tiling as punish- 
ment for contemjit of Court, then proceeded to hear the 

It was in vain that our young acquaintance urged the ag- 
gravation he had endured before committing the' assault, his 
mflexible Minossaid that" this attempt to palliate theotfeucc 
instead of showing contrition, only heightened his guilt in the 
eyes ofevery man of proper feeling and loyal sentiments, and 
tended to impress pcoiile with a veiy bad idea of his, the 
Pilot's, morals, and that tlicrefoi'e he should infiict a fine of 
five pounds for each of the five assaults that had been 
proved against him. 

" As reganlcd the charge of endeavouring to swindle the 
landlord out of the money for board and lodging, it was 
very evident that the story about his confederates was a 
mere fiction got up to serve his own purposes, as the escape 
of his two companions proved ; " adaing, with what tlie 
Pilot, in his situation, could look on in no otiier light than 
as a piece of most cutting irony, that, " not wishing to be 
more severe than wos absolutely necessary, he should onl; 

require the paymenl of the fines, and would defer his judgment 
regarding the swindling, until such time as the prisoner could 
procure testimonials ofnis respectability." 

After this efibrt of judicial eloquence, the worthy magis- 
trate leaned hack in hts chair and looked verv hard at the 
prisoner, thereby giving him clearly to understand that 
althoQgh the latter, from long expeiience in the practices of 

depravity anil vice, might be veiy clever, jjet there were men, ' 
well known for every public and domestic virtue, who were ; 
still more clever than he. i 

The Pilot now began to feel seriously alarmed. He bad , 
not a penny, nor any friend to whom be could apply nearer i 
ihanLoudoi); and unless the money were immediately fVirth- ( 
coming, he could not hope to avoid s nearer acquaintaoce | 
with the internal architecture of the county jail than he felt 
at all inclined to make. ( 

" You can't pay, I suppose," said the Soloa oa ihe I 
bench. " Officers, toke him away ! " ■ I 

Although the Pilot was not of the gentlest natoie | 
generally, visions of prison-diet, treadmill exercise, oiid a I 
coneomi'tant peculiarly short cut of hair, were not without I 
effect upon him. I 

" li you will only remand me," he said, in a most | 
humble tone, " onUl I can hear from town, I will discharge i 
the fines and " I 

•' More than we shall you, I am afraid— ha ! ha ! ha ! " ' 
inten-upted the magistrate, ehuckting extremely at this e£>rt I 
of his wit ; an example which, of course, none of the inde- 
|)endent officials present followed— certainly not ! 

in spile of this, the Pilot suppresaed his indignation, and ' 
was continuing in ^e same strain, when he suddenly nre . 
a how! which would have done honour to one of Mr, CauLi's ', 
Indians, and which caused his judge, who was balancing 
himsdf on the hind legs of his chair, to start back with f 
afi"right and considerably derange his centre of gravity, the ' 
effect of which was that he first touched tlie ground again 
with the heck of his head instead of the soles of bis feet, as 
he hod no doubt intended. 

At this instant, Mr. Angnstus Philips, who had been 
directed thither, made his appearance. 

The first thing that mbt hie astonished view was the 
worthy magistrate on all threes, if we may so eiprcss it— 
tliat IS, on his knees and one of his hands, the other being 
applied to the back of his head aforeoMd, while hia eyes 
were rivetted with horror on the Pilot, who was kicking 
and struggling in the hands of five of the six policemen pre- 
.■wut, and in his shirt and boots, while the sixth detective 
lield his Itlanket, which had been cast off wmnltaneously with 
the emission of the howl that had so terrified the judge, and 1 . 
previously to tlie performance of some feats of agility, more j 
especially limited to the cutting of capers, which at first i 
sight appcun^ m the highest degree gratuitous and uncalled [ 
for. ; 

Tliis, however, was not the case. In obedience to the 
magisterial commands, tlie Pilot had takeo his cigar frrnn 
his mouth ; but not wishing to lose it, and forgemil of its 
state of combustion, had concealed it in the folds of Ua 
temporary ti^ja, through which it had alowly but surely 
eaten itself a passage to a most senmtive port of his body, 
and caused him to seek relief in thoee antics which wo have 
merely hinted at In our inability to describe. 

It !s impossible to say how lonfjj the Pilot might have 
persevered in his extraordinary eierciaea had he not perceli'ed 
hia brother Augustus. 

The effijct was instantaneous . With the bkndost manner 
in tlie world, the prisoner tunied to the magistrate, who had 
now recovered his usual position, and inforoied him that the 
presence of a beloved relotive would enable him to roeei those 
claims which tlie justice of his country made upon him ; then 
addressing Augustus, he explained to him how matters stood, 
and requested him to advance the money tor discharge of 
the fines, as likewise for tlie settlement of the account of 
himself and friends at the iiiii. 

Mr. Augustus Philips had at first thought the scene very 
comical : at picsenl, he looked on it in rather a difercat Ught, 
snd at eight o'clock the same evening returned, with u htavy 
heart, an empty puree, and the Pilot in a new suit of clothes, 
to London, mstead of enjoying a pleasant residence of a 
week or ten days at the sea-aide — a memorable example of 
the delusiveness of human hope. This was the cause of his 
walking so moumfuDy in the enclosure of St. James's Park, 
and of tiic adventure uliicli then and there befel him. 

A Medical Ofiniox. — A medical student informs us 
thatM-eiiccd never fearan invasion from the French, because 
Dorer'a i>owder would throw them Into a fearful perspiration. 



At theMiddleaexpettj-sessions, three individuals were lately 
brought up for having been concerned in the robbery of thr«3 
bloodhounds belonging to Lord A. Russell. 

Mr. Bodkin, who appeared|for the prosecution, demanded 
to have the trial postponed, on the ground that the principal 
witness, one of Lord A. Russell's gi-ooms, was in attendance 
on his noble master in Scotland. 

With that affability for which he is so distinguished, Mr. 
Ser^i^eant Adams immediately granted the reqjuest, and 
remanded the prisoners imtil the October Sessions. Of 
course, if the witness in question cannot then make it con- 
venient to come up to town, thev will be again remanded, 
and the process be repeated until ne can. 

This is a case which the Showman feels great pleasure in 
making public ; with honest pride he calls attention to the 
strict impartiality with which Mr. Sergeant Adams admin- 
isters justice. With him the maxim that *' there is but one 
law for the rich and the poor," is indeed a reality. Here we 
have three men accusea by an individual in humble life — 
a groom^ — in the service oi Lord A. Russell, it is true, but 
that does not, of coarse, influence Mr. Sergeant Adams in 
the least ; ^this groom cannot attend, and therefore the 
prisoners are remanded till he can. Mr. Sergeant Adams 
nas no idea of letting the ends of justice be defeated, and 
if Lord A. RusseU were to tate it in his head to 
make a short trip to Constantinople or New York, or a 
voyage of discovery to the North Pole, on his departing from 
Scotland, taking his groom with him, the three accused 
would be locked up until his return. They mieht perhaps 
be innocent, and thus suffer two or three years unmerited 
imprisonment; or if Lord A. Russell choose to settle down as 
a colonist, still retaining his eroom, they might hnger out their 
lives in one long captivity ; out what of that, it is better that 
the innocent should suffer than that the guilty should escape. 

There might, perhaps, be some objection to this mode of 

{>rocceding were it not universal ; but who can entertain the 
ea3t doubt that the favour thus granted to the poor groom 
of Lord A. Russell — but that, as before observed, has 
no weight in the matter — will of com-se not be refus^ 
to others, and consequently when some scion of aristocracy 
is brought up for assaultmg or ill-treating a working man, 
or insmting a defenceless female whose occupations may 

I render his or her absence for a few months requisite, the 
aristocratic criminal will be locked up, despite of his noble 

j birth, till his lowly prosecutor can return to bear witness 

I against him. 

; How totally void of foundation, then, is the cry of some 

I evil-minded persons, that in England respect is shown to 
wealth and rank ; in this case we have a direct proof of the 
contrar}', and instead of their being any truth m the asser- 
tion that justice is going to the dogs, here we have her 
ceming direct from them — and Mr. Sergeant Adams. 

" TiTE Absurd op all Observers.'*— A week or two 
since the Observer took upon itself to review Talfourd's 
"Final Memorials of Charles Lamb," and a very wishy- 
washy namby-pamby article was of course the result. In it 
we were told that many of Charles Lamb's ** most cherished 
pieces are already forgotten." Charles Lamb's writings 
forgotten !-~by whom, we should like to know, except the 
Ohsener critic, whose ignorance of English Uterature is so 
barefaced, that he doesn teven know the author of ** Cooper's 
Hill," a poem that excited the admiration of both Dry den 
and Pope, and which has been commended by every essayist 
on English poetry. The Observer critic speaks of George 
Dyer "as the author of apiece named * Cooper's Hill,* to 
be found set forth at length in 'Enfield's Speaker.'** In 
the first place, the poem of " Cooper's Hill" was written by 
Sir John Denliam ; and secondly, it was neyer published in 
"Enfield's Speaker.** Two absurd blunders, sufiicient, we 
should say, to disqualify this ignorant man from writing 
criticism again in any newspaper in the United Kingdom — 
excepting the Observer. 

Q, What distingiudied " knight of the hammer" best 
pesents a "R 
A, Tatters-i 

represents a "Rairged School ?" 


We had just been perusing the Book of Snobs, when we 
dropped on the following advertisement in the Yorkshire 
Gazette of the 1 Cth inst. : — 

LOST, at or near the Kailway Station, on Wednesday 
afternoon week, a BUNCH of S12ALS, together with a GOLD 
PENCIL-CASE, und a WATCH-KEY. One of the Seals was a Trans- 
parent Pebble, with three sides, having on one side the Crest of George 
Hudson^ E$q., M.P.; on another the initials of **£. H.;" and on the 
third side the Arms 0/ the families of Hudson and KickoUon ! !! 

A Handsome Reward will be given to any person who, having found 
the same, shall place them in charge of the PubliUusr of this Paper. 

We are always ohiiffed to anyhody who teaches us some- 
thincr that we did not know before, and therefore hail with 
gratitude the information that Hudson has a crest. We 
perceive that the cock is not the only bird which wears a 
crest, but that humbler winged animals enjoy the same 

How did Hudson derive the crest — ^from his father the 
labourer, or his master the hnen- draper? Is his name on 
the roll of Battle Abbey, or only on the roll of huckaback 
which adorned his shop ? Did he gain his honours with 
difficulty, or are they so abundant that he possesses them — 
by the yard ? 

And then, how aristocratic the announoement, that the 
third side of the seal bears the anas of the £&mihes of 
"Hudson and Nicholson!" We are pewtively awed by 
so much gineatness ! for of course the armorial oearings of 
the great ^aron Nicholson are those alluded to ; or are the 
arms only those of Nicholson the ostler — Mrs. Hudson's 
respected parent —who lords it over the vassals of the 
Oarrick*s head! 

We have now viewed this singular announcement about 
" arms" in all its " bearings," and pronounce it one of the 
best instances of snobbism tiiat ever excited our ridicule. 
We perceive that a " handsome reward" is offered to any 
one who finds the arms. Is this a hint to the heralds, and 
can it be possible that the story about the lost seal is an 
ingenious gag ? 

However, as the advertisement does not tell the finder 
how to know the arms, we furnish th^n, as follows :— 

" The crest — a quartern oat-scuttle, impaled on a yard- 
wand proper. The motto — * Measure for measure.* " 


In the present day society is full of lucky railroad and other 
speculators, quondam little tradesmen, with their wives and 
families, whonave been suddenly raised from a state of com- 
parative poverty to one of affluence. 

Such people wish to be thought very fashionable ; thdr 
early education, however, having been neglected, they present 
us with a curious medley of sparkling jewellery and bad 
grammar, rustling silks and vulgar expressions, fine linen 
and coarse mistakes. The Showman recommends, in con- 
sequence, with all due delicacy, the following facts to their 
consideration : — 

1. That the expression it*s I is quite as euphonious, and 
decidedly more grammatical, than it *s nd. Prepositions, however, 
have a natural repugnance to be followed by a nominative, and 
therefore, between you and I is not to be preferred to hettoeen you 
and me. 

2. That t)uy U is decidedly incorrect, as is likewise them ms 

3. That the word hereditary has the accent on the second 
syllable, thus, hereditary^ and is on no account to be pronounced 

4. That the expressions / *m that tired, he *s that hungry, are by 
no means elegant ones, but savour strongly of provmcialism of 
the worst class. 

5. That it is not indispensably reqnirite to subjoin the word 
wine when speaking of sherry ; on the contrary, competent judges 
deem it more elegant to omit it 

6. Thai the words mushro0m and mmhretta are words of two 
syllables, and that therefore it is not correct to say musheroom, 

7. That the principal part of a lady*f dress is a gown, and 
not a gownd; whde in choosing between the twp words chimney and 
chimbley the former is to be preferred. 





Sorely, therefore, none would bUme me, e'en were I inclined to ronni, 
Sinoe my parents take uich cure tokeepmyselTtlieii'son st home. 
Evcrr day I read the pnpers, donUe supidement imd all. 
Envying, flince I can no better, every snob tUat "iota" Vaiutlmll. 
Sec, what 'b Ihis ! wby Cremome 's open I Laorent's band — the thmutlit'd 
Snds, loo, at halT-past eleven ; I 'U b« back in decent time. [sublime ; 

Thinking thas, T, wicked sinner '. wrote a, note polite and imoll. 
Asking myself oat to dinner with some friend apociyplul. 
Then, not without fear and trembling, I in boat and railroad tnu>t. 
Lest to punish my dissembling trains should smash, or "boilers burst." 
Cremome gained, I need not mention orchestra and lamp-gemmed lawns — 
Sounds lantaatiu toes inviting, "Charles" and wMtcbiul, punch and prawns. 
This remark I can't help makiruf, not that, stingy, I repine. 

[mark I can't help makiruf, not that, stingy, I 
it odd the predilccti(|[i Uallic damsels have lor 

Dancing over, out I mizzle, csllinff for a cabman bold; 
Rain bad just bq^ todriizle, and 'twas getting rather cold. 
OflTlikelijghtning! bnt, like weather, such apacecculd never last; 
As we gained the hill of BaUuim, rained it hard and sUick we fast. 
Spite my oaths and cabby's blows, the tired brute refused to budge — 
Force, pereoasitoi, unsvoding, three miles homeward I'd 1« trudge. 

"This the time you oome from dinner" — "two o'clock, as I'm alive," 
Spoke my Pa' in accents wratUhl i "thus to wcny me you strive." 

"shall you keep such hours as these, 
— ^--'^ answer, if you please." 

Thus debarred from Celling any monstrous blsehood in defiance. 
Light in hand, to bed I bollea— type of ii\iured innocence. 
Ne'er again in night cab's cattle will I trust to go in haste. 
Lest I once more a victim Tall to a confidence misplaced '. 


Tbr brros being v«7 snuU, ondaduiittiugofnodiviEacia I i 
of labcor are neo^sarify roodfy cultivated. There is tM { 
rotation ol crops, which brings the people to a stand<still. j i 
whilst their poverty deprives them of th« proper neeessarias | J 
oF bnsbandry, which is equally felt by the wives. Drainage • I 
is very little known, ex^pt by the O'Conoell's from the I 
packets at the poor. The land, like the clothes of the | i 
peiaantiy, consists of miserable nttcbci, wluch being urns i ■ 
cultivated, leaves the latter in bad h^ts. They onioke 
their weeds, instead of cutting them down round th^ ' ' 
farms, and even at theproper(inwibeharve«tiitgof potatoes | I 
is sometime* neglected, which is raiioMu wropg. Four- ; 
fifths of them are dependent on the soil, which perhaps 
causes their damaged condition. The lorfii^ parcels of laul 
are all tied ur oi^ no one knows when they 'U be < 
The rents or their fiums ore as bad as those o 
stockings — the Ibrmer going lo mck, fiai the latter to ( 
ruin. The landlords sometimes make up the rents by 
leiiin^ the cropa, but this only itmi discontent, instead « 
repairing the breach. The small holders have a sreat 
many baims, but very few hams, so that the com ana the 
children are sometimes thrashed on the public roads simnl- 
tonecosly. The raiddle-men have little interest in their 
welfiire, being frequently v<nd of principle, and thor craft 
altogether is a had on^ m hnmUe miitattan ofthetr prie*t«. 

A Decided Iuproteubkt. — Tbe Bey of Tonis 
has lately given £100, besides other revrarda, to « 
Tunisian goutlemiLQ for writing a poeiu in liis honour. 
Poets aDiI authors would soon move dowu from their ' 
fMAOs were all recompensed hy euch heys as this one. 

Some one named BoDovaii, a " phrenolt^t," ad- 
Tertises that he will engage, at a da^'s uotice, clei^ ' 
iic., oi tuperior organization of hraau, i<K iho90 who ' 
want them. We hope this person will be consulted ' 
at the formation of the next cabinet, as there may 
thrai be a chance of a small supply of brain in the i 
heads of the goverruiient. I 

A Needless OasEarAiiOH. — The common Mir«r* 
of London ore represented as being in a dreadfully bad ! 
state. This we believe lo be a fact, and one to which : 
some hundreds of poor shirt-makers can bear ample 

At tho Xonvich Musical Festival the Duke of i 
Cambridge paid particular attention to the score of | 
Elijah, which ho held in his baud. This id more 
than can be said of some of Itis late royal brothers, 
T>lio were rather celebrated for negUoting $eoret. Bnt 
then, they were uot scores that involved "sweet 

An old naval officer, who signs himself "a Blue in 
the Camperdown action," tells the Timet that " be 
has been lookin? for the long-promised war medal." 
Wo fciar it inll be some time before tho Govonmeut 
will meddle with the affair, and we think, also that 
tbe old " Blue" ought rather to have assumed tbe 
signature of u " green" expectant. 

Case or DESTircriOH. — Mr. John O'Connell, feel- 

to try any hall confederation rather than none at all. 

The Timet (earcastieally) remarks, that France is 
to be the moilel for tho reconstruction of the world. 
If they intend shaping it differently, we hope they will 
make" all aquftre." 

A C'dke FOn THE CHOLEaA. — As this disease is 
characterized bv great depression of tbe nervous 
Bvstem, the jokw of the PcFFBT-Snow will be found 
the bciit remedy 1 '. '. 






TIMOTHY 'Beery was 
a labouring man who 
occupied himself dur- 
ing six days of the 
week in gaining mo- 
ney, ana one night 
in spending it. 11 is 
wages were thirty 
shillings per week, 
and his liquor was 
whisky, in which 
fiery spirit his whole 
affections were cen- 
tered, lie had no 
relations and no 
friends, for during 
the one night which 
was devoted to the spending of his weekly earnmffs — and 
for the time, as he often remarked, he lived at tne rate 
of six hundred a-year— during this pjeriod he recognised 
none of his acquamtances, but invariably ** kept hmiself 
(and his whisky) to himself." 

It may be argued, from this fact, that 'Beery was a 
seltish man. But, no ! for the motive which prevented him 
from offering the poisonous alcohol to his associates was 
purely a benevolent one ; he was not the man to nurture 
an odious vice in others which he was unable to extmguish 
in himself. And there were moments when O'l^ry felt 
convinced of the sin of drunkenness, and cursed the day 
when the firrt noggin was raised to his lips. Often on 
the Sunday morning, with his tongue parched, his hands 
dry and feverish, his stomach debilitated, and his head 
splittinff, would he confess the folly, the more than follv, 
of imbibing intoxicating liquors, and then he would oe 
visited with horrible statistics and terrific deductions. 

For 'Beery had been twenty years in full employment, 
and durine that period had expended one pound out of 
each week s wages in obtaining spirituous consolation. 
Ilis means, then, enabled him to consume forty goes of 
whisky (at sixpence per go) on each of those nights which 
he devoted to arunkenness. And, accordingly, we find that 
in the course of the year he mopped up, swallowed, and 
imbibed 2,080 goes of whisky, either "cold without,'* or 
** warm with." Multiplying the above result by twenty, 
for the number of years during which he had pursued his 
evil ways, we arrive at the stupendous conclusion, that 
during tne whole of his drunken career Mr. Timothy 'Beery 
had consumed the enormous, disgusting, and incredible- 
if-not-mentioned-in-the-PuppET-Snow amount of 41,600 goes; 
averaging something more than half-a-quartem each ! In 
order to indulge in this beastly luxury, he had actually 
spent the sum of J8i,040, the amount which any of our 
readers will have to pay who goes into a tavern and 
orders 41,600 goes of whisky. 

We have already stated that at the period^ at which 
our narrative commences O'Beery had been drinking for 
twenty years ; he continued to do so for six months longer, 
thus incurring an additional expense of twenty-six nounds, 
when an event occurred which produced an indeliolo im- 
pression on his mind — we mean on that remnant of a 
mind which alcohol had not deprived him of. 

It was a Saturday night, and O'Beery was rcoHug drunk 
somewhat before the time at which he usually became so. 
He had swallowed his thirty-eighth go, and had issued forth 
into the street in hopes Uiat his neated brow might be 
somewhat cooled by the night air. lie wandei-ed about 
for some minutes without knowing whither he went, until 
attracted by a large building, which bore the appearance 
of a ^in-j)alace ; he entered, and, throwing do>vn his remain- 
in^ snilhng, caUed for the two goes of wnisky which were 
still necessary for the completion of that condition into 
which he was already so far advanced. He returned home 
in a state of whisky and of unconsciousness ; to open the 
street-door, fall up stairs half-a-dozen times, tear his clothes 
off, roll into bed, give one groan, two grunts, and three 
sneezes, was but the work of Uiree-quarters of an hour, when 

O'Beery fell into a deep and drunken sleep. He awoke the 
next morning with his tongue like a board, his breath like 
fire, his bram like heated coeds, and his face like Paul 

Mr. O'Beery rose with the moon, and commenced 
dressing himself. Having occasion to use his mouchoir, 
he inserted his hand in uie pocket of his coat in order to 
draw it forth. The handkerchief was there, and with it 
a book which he immediately opened, and (after spelling 
the words carefully) discovered to have some reference to 
a savings' bank in the neighbourhood. He turned over the 
pages with a mad excitement which he coidd scarcely explain 
(for he was very seedy from the effects of the previous 
night's debauch), when the figure 1 in the second column 
01 the £ 8. d. department caught his bloodshot eye. His 
hand shook violently, partly from a certain nervousness 
caused by drink, partly from a wild anxiety as to the 
meaning of the mysterious figure 1, so that for some seconds 
he was utterly unable to solve the enigma. At length, 
however, he discovered that the bank was debtor to some 
fortunate individual in the amount of one shilling ; and, 
actuated by some strange impulse, he set out in the direc- 
tion of the establishment from which the inexplicable book 
had been issued, in order at once to set his mind at rest 
on the subject. Arrived at the bank, an insurmountable 
obstacle presented itself— the bank was closed, for the day 
was Sunday. O'Beery returned home, retu^ to rest, and 
passed a night of anxiety, but not of sleep. 

When the bank opened on Monday morning, Mr. 
Timothy O'Beery had been waiting half an hour at the 
portal, in feverish expectation of the event. He rushed 
towards the chief clerk, and, laying down the book before 
him, gasped nervously, while awaiting his explanation. A 
few minutes served to inform him that he had entered the 
estabhshment at a late hour on Saturday night, and, deposit- 
ing a shilling on the coimter, had insisted on being supplied 
with two goes of whisky ; that the clerk had benevolently 
taken the shilling and Inid put it down to the drunkard s 
account; that the drunkara had been conducted in an 
unconscious state into the street ; and that if the money 
which the drunkard had been in the habit of spending in 
li(][uor had been placed in the hands of the said clerk, the 
said drunkard would have been at that time a Dives on a 
small scale. 

Mr. Timothy O'Beery went home a sober and a wiser 
man. The little episode in his Saturday night's adventures 
had produced an alteration in his cnaracter and tastes. 
He abandoned whisky entirely; in short 

"Nothing of him but did suffer some watery change.*' 

On Saturday he was a drunken beast ; on Monday he 
was a reasonable being. 

A Settlement IN Full. — To the numerous parties 
concerned much satisfaction has recently been conununicated 
by an intimation that during the ensuing session a bill will 
bo brought into Parliament, extending the apphcation of the 
Act of Settlement to the debts of the Duke of York, the 
accounts of Mr. Alderman Gibbs, and the family feuds of the 
Brothers Berkeley. 

"Wise Saws and Modern Instances." — Powell the 
carpenter, seeing that Chartism had become very much dis- 
jointed since the 10th of April, and imagining that there 
would soon be a screw loose, resolved upon having some of 
its members nailed, and, for tliis purpose, sought an engage- 
ment with a well-known Whig cabinet-maker. 

The. Sees of Asaph and Bangor. — Mr. Hudson wishes 
to know how any pei'son could have imagined that Bangor 
could be joined to the Sea of Asof, which is so far distant 
from it. 

GcTNPOWDER versus THE Priher. — It was stated, in the 
report of a meeting at the Chartist Hall some time ago, that 
the Chartists had resolved upon estabhshing a schoolfor the 
purpose of instructing youth in the true principles of Chart- 
ism. If we are to judge them by their recent proceedings, 
the schoolmaster's oliief duty will be to *' teach the young 
idea how to shoot." 




A SHOBT time since the Showman proceeded in his Broogham, 
and a very good humour, at half-past eij^ht, P.M., and the express 
wish of MV. Kichard Pridmore, to Leicester Square, and a private 
riew of the Walhalla, now favourably known to the public as the 
SiMe dt VnierUino, 

On alij^hting — and the pavement in front of the entraaoe — he 
ibond in the first plac-^ a lar^e crowd of spectators assembled ; and 
in the next, considerable diflScultpr in making his way through 
theip, as he was immeiliately rec<)guiscd and enthusiastically cheered. 
Several persons carriel their enthusiasm for his talent to such a 
pitch that they were desirous of obtaining some relic in remembrance 
of him ; and one gentleman in particular, remarkable for his warmth 
of feeling, made an attempt to obtain his watch : the Showman, 
however, declined acceding to his wish, for iear of enncing any 
undue partiality, and c«»ntent«l himself with confiding his admirer 
to the care of a policeman, thinking it dangerous to allow him to 
remain at large in the excited condition he then was. 

Having pawed the entrance, the Showman proceeded to lose 
his way among objects of the most varied description — chairs, 
tables, hammers, chandeliers, bricks, dusters, tenpenny nails, and 
a large pay-box, covered with red cloth, and Ktowed away in a comer, 
for all the world like a common p»rtraanteau. Having happily 
steered clear of all these Scyllas ana Charvlxiises of practiod life, 
the Showman at last attained the landing-place, where he was 
received with'marked respect, and two other gentlemen who had 
come in after him. On his presenting his carcTof invitation one of 
the attendants observed '* that's the ticket,*' and pointed him out 
the way he should go, from which the Showman took especial care 
not to depart, for &r of falling into similar difficulties to those he 
had just escaped. 

On reaching the ball-mom, the Showman inmiediately pro- 
ceeded to take a seat> and also copious notes of the whole proceed- 

The Salle de Dante is a most noble place ; large, lofty, well 
rentilated, and beautifully decorated. 'Jo make an atrocious pun, 
remarkable for nothing but its truth, the decorator, Hurwitz^ 
must certain'y have bad h'u unit about him while planning and 
carrying out his designs. 

Among the other embellishments, a long table running down 
the centre of the noble apartment seemed to attract in an especial 
manner the attention of the ** gentlemen of the press !** it is hut fair 
to state, that this table was laid out for supper, and covered with every 
possible delicacy — sufficient indeed to have'topplied Mr. Cochrane 
lumself with the virtue of the same name, 'ana made a modest man 
of him for the next three years. 

'* That *s a pretty moulding,** observed one gentleman. 

"What, round the ceiling?** replied a second, looking upwards. 

"No, round that raised pie,'* said the first. Indeed, to his 
great sorrow, the Showman observed that while walking up and 
down pretending to admire the arrangements of the Casino, the 
inajority of those present cast furtive glances, which, unlike angels* 
visits, were imytning but "few or Tar between," at the supper 
table; and one gentleman, possessed of a fi*ightful obliquity of 
Tision, was evidently the obieci of much envious feeling on aceount 
of his being enabled, without fear of detection, to regard the 
arrangements for the banquet; and select beforehand the best place 
at the table. 

I>nrBiff the repast, the expressioBS "excdlent," "superb," 
"di?iiie,'^were heard on ev«*yside. At first the Showman Was at 
a loss to determine whether these were applied to the viands ot the 
decorations, but the commendatory notices .which have since 
appeared in the various papers prove that Utjiey were s^j^lied to the 

At^ a late, or rather an earl^, hom* the company — ^with the 
exception of one or two, who evinced a decided preference for 
renmining on the floor — retired, with every wish for the success of 
the enterprise ; a consummation that cannot finil to be accomplished 
if the proprietor will only prevail on the two or three gentlemen 
with the very glossy hats, who were there on the night in (question, 
to frequent the StMe de Valentino every evening, as nothmg will 
then be able to " take the shine out of it."*' 

Shavetul Hoax. — Last week some inliuman wag wrote 
to Lord John Russell informing him that Mr. Chisholm 
Anstey had been afflicted with lock-ja^^. Lord John, who 
was at dinner when the message am ved, drank an extm 
bottle of claret in consequence of the good news, and had just 
written a congratulatory epistle to Mr. Shaw Lefevre, when 
1^ ascertained that he had been the victim of a base decep- 
tion. The name of Uie miscreant has not yet transpired. 
We suspect Mr. Di-r-e-i. 

A Red Republican — Louis Blanc with the scarlet fever. 

Stbangb Modebatiok. — At a period like the present, 
celebrated for violent language of every description, it k 
really quite refreshing to find any one still using a quiet and 
gentlemanly tone. This was forcibly impressed on ns the 
other day in an account of some action in which ** tbe troc^ 
were said to be much annoyed by the enemy's artill«y," 
which had been raining destruction on them for the last hour. 
By the way, we should like to know whai they would be ^- 

t ( 


BLOODHOUND.— For SALE, the services of aBLiOGD- ' ' 
HOUND, of the purest Scothind-yartl breed, perfectly dodk; j! 
highly intelligent, and wArianted to betray its friemhi cir beneliactan 1 1 
without fiiil : answers to the name of Powell. 3»Iay be seen, betwea j 
the hours of 10 and 6, at the Central Criminal Courts Old Bailey. 1 1 
No Chartists need apply. 



Such is the contemptible nature of the Whig Ministry, that 
it cannot accomplish even a reputable object by deoeBt 
means. They defend the constitution, it is true, but tbdr 
weapon is dirt. They hit foul blows in a good cause, and 
excite the disgust of those for whose benefit they trinm^ih. 
We have always been of opinion that the Chartists ought to 
be put down, but we deciaedly object to its being done by 
the instrumentality of Powell, the approver in the trials. 

Powell appears to have been recommended to the Govern- 
ment chiefly by the fact that he was an accomplished rascal 
The Whigs put down thimblerigging ; but in this case th^ 
have ma<^ the amende by employing a tbimblerigger. A& 
sweeps fight with soot, they war with ruffianism. 

Kespectabihty of character is the best guarantee of honee^ 
of testimony ; yet in this case the principal witness on the 
side of Our Laoy the Queen is a man distinctly proved to have 
been a blasphemer in language, a swindler by profession, a 
scoundrel in morals, and so systematically false in every way 
^ to have obtained the soubriquet of "Lying Tom,'* by 
which he is as well known as Lord John Rusaeuby his nick- 
name of " Finality Jack." He (** Lying Tom," we mean) 
insinuated himself into the confidence oi the Chartists, in- 
veigled the unwary, encouraged the seditious, and excited 
the nesitating, looking forward all the while with ea^ ^vo- 
tion to the bkuod-money with which congenial Whiggism was 
to reward his every footstep in the cause of treacbay and 
crime. There is a fine impudence in the stateoi^t Uiat 
" Lying Tom *' was cuided solely by a regard for the pubiie 
gooa. Considering mat now-a-days nobocty gives even states- 
men credit for perfect disinterestedness, it is amusing to see it 
clfumed for a liar, a rascal, and a spy. We wish the Whigs 
joy of their new am, * ' Birds of a fi^ther, " d^c. ; and it may 
be oonsohng to them in their present deserted position to 
reflect that they are honoured oy the idliance of ** hying 

Of the way in which the trial had been conducted by the 
legal functionaries, everybody will say that Justice Erie haa 
been singularly moderate and impartial ; but there are few 
who will not blame the malignant hostility of the Attorney- 
General, who appears to have revived the brutality of Coke, 
and only forgotten his law. We are surprised to see Mr. 
Kenealey identify himself so prominently with the rufBans 
of rebellion. It is dishonouraole to his talents, which are 
good, and his cicquiremcnts, which are known to be great. 
Does there not linger in his classical memory a remembrance 
of the Roman statesman who was blamed for comporting him- 
self as if he were in republicd Platonis instead of in fctee 
Romuli f He may depend upon it, that when talent mingles 
with the dregs of the populace, the effect is not to elevate 
the dregs, but to degrade the talent. 

Mr. Ballantine, however, comes best out of the aflair. 
He has displayed the most acute sagacity and the most 
accurate judgment, and has elevated his reputation fnnn that 
of an able barrister to the higher one of a judicious politician, 
and a straightforward, sincere man. 

On the whole, we con but praise the determination to put 
down rebellion evinced by Governmoit, and regret that on 
this important occasion they should have dishonoured the 
holiness of their intentions by the vulgar vikness of their 

■ * i— 




We are frequently informed that tlie soldiers in Ireland 
go out in Mcouring parties. Should they fall in with Arch- 
bishop M*Hale, a little soap to that gentleittan's conscience 
would hllfii improvement. 

A iftiw invention, called the "Organic Vihrator," is 
advertised hy S. and B. Solomons, which, '^heh adapted to 
the ear, has the property of rendering any Yoice audihle. If 
it would ^able Mr. Chisholm Anstejr to hear the voice 
of reason, the invention would he a national advanti^. 

As the Irish rebel leaders consider themsBil^rdi of great 
persuasive powers, miglit they not escape frotn prison bv 
attempting to convince the turnkey tiiiat ** an empty house is 
better than a bad tenant ?*' 

At BrtJssels there is a Congress sitting to put down 
yiror. Their success against warriors has l^n small, con- 
firming what the Roman poet said — impar CGngressui 

Feargus O'Connor stated at a toe^^ng in Notting- 
ham, that the Government had not caught the ** old fox'* yet, 
meaning thereby himself. There is no occasion to try, for 
his recent proceedings prove he is going to the ** dogs" of 
his own accord. 

O'Connor also boasted that Government would give 
an^ sum for his head. In case of thtir purchasing the 
article, we should advise them to take it without the brains. 

The Chartists say that Feargus O'Connor is beyond all 
praise. In res]>ectable circles, he is so far beyond it that it 
never reaches him. 

One of the Irish rebel leaders complains that he is very 
harshly treated by his masters of the English Government, 
because, in his situation, *' no followers are allowed." 

The heat in Paris has lately been very "oppressive." 
We hope this will not continue to be the case, or we shall 
have the brave citizens nsiug again in the cause of Liberty. 

The Clerkenwell Chartists are constantly told that they 
shall soon be " as free as the air they breathe." "When we 
consider that not a particle of the air which they breathe is 
free from some sort of impurity, we cannot look upon the 
simile as either a happy or a complimentary one. 

A provincial paper speaks of Mr. Webster having 
"assuBoed" a certain character to perfection. Our contempo- 
rary is probably aware that assumption is a thing for which 
our legitimate friend is quite notonous. 

One of the Irish journals lately spoke of Lord John 
Russell's imposing appearance. The Premier, then, affords 
a strange instance in which a man's character may be dis- 
cerned from his looks ! 

A Dubious Character,— An American informs us that 
Sir Charles Wood of the Exchequer would never be thought 
capable of telling the truth in the United States, as when- 
ever he began a sentence with ** / caleulaU,^' no one would 
believe him. 

Every one is astonished at the consistency with which the 
Morning Chronicle supports Sir Robert Feel. We believe an 
explanation may be found in the fact that Sir Robert Feel 
supports tlra Morning ChronieU. 

After all, the Chronicle can scarcely support Sir Robert 
with consistency ; for, in order to back his views, it must be 
continually coutrsidicting itself. 

Nevertheless, the Chronicle ought to possess a good deal 
of consistency, for it is sometimes exceedingly dense. 1 

Erratum.— It is fi A m a by some lexicographer that » 
treasury is the repository for anything valuable. As Lord 
John Russell, however, fc the first lord of the British one, 
itfe an error which we consider it our duty to correct. 


a moderh sketch. 



The child to the white straw pallet slips. 
The angel of sleep puts his seal on its lips ; 
In another minute a breathing low,. 
And ov^r the cheek a w^itner glow,.^ 
Shows that the tender cai^worn thmg- 
Sleep's quietly under the dark night's winfif. 


See, thhmgh the shade a sombre fi^tt^gwte. 
And, KghtTy moving, cotfte to thft bed-side^- 

The mother there is kneeling^,. 
She does not kneel to pray ; 

The parent's hand is stealing 
The offspring's life away. 
She touches the infant. " Wake up, wake up, 
I have brought thee a draught in this pretty cup." 
No draught can cause one, made however strong. 
To sleep more soundly, or to sleep bo long ? 


In a pauper's coffin the body is thrust,' 

(Ashes to ashes, and dust to dust !) 

A bunch of dirty shavings is laid 

To keep up the globe whence the thought has fled,^ 

And the dark raven screams from overhead • 

The only wail that is heard for the dead ! 


Say, does the steeple death-bell toll 

A knell of respect for the parted soul ? 

" The steeple death-bell I Who, I pray. 

For a pauper's death-bell is going to pay ? 

He is not liKe those, who, when fate takes their breath. 

Go off in a kind of respectable death ! 


Two paupers carry a seedy pall. 
The coffin is borne, bv a white- washed wall, 
To that bleak part of the churchyard ground. 
Where the muadiesf<» dreariest earth is found. 
" Bear it along, boys ; steady, steady, 
The perfumed parson is nearly ready ! " 


Thus, in a land among all men renowned 
As ** merry England,* poisoners are found 
To set up colonies in village scenes. 
Death their subsistence, arsenic their means ; 
While fools who rule the land stand calmly by. 
And no tear rises in the rich man's eye. 

The patriotic Mrs. Cuffey — the Chartist washerwoman par 
exce^I^nce— might have rested satisfied that the Government 
would "peg" away at poor Cuffie^r and the "Convention" 
without mercy. All she has to do is to " prop" her husband 
up in difficulty. He had better have confined himself to 
her "line," instead of getting into the line he has. Had 
Cuffey, like his industrious ** brtter" half, handled the warm 
box-iron instead of advocating cold steel, or mangled linen 
instead of politics, his domestic happiness might not have 
been prejudiced. 







It is higbt; anasing; la pernic the nnineroiu BdvertisenipntH m tbe 
Timti, man; of which rontain an amoont of ignorance and impa- 
dence Ecarcelj U> he crtdited. We will take a fbir a» examples : — 

Tint, we find "AportrntDti fhrnished with an ixtra-nxtd bed- 
room" — intended, weprtaume, for "children oftlnrgtr growth," 
mch as Lablarhe. An ufm-sized bed-room Ib certainly as rtu'e aa 
the eminent primo-basso. 

Neit, ■ "snip," in rulvertlhing for a "brollier flnip," thua 
exprestea himself: — "Wanted n mnn [query, a «ib(* part of a 
man !] as captain in a vork-ahop. He must be cnpalile ofassisting 
in tbe cuttiog-rooiD when required, and af calling onatiojiBlly." 
We should say that the captain's "cutting occasionallj" would be 
nnqnestionable — perhaps everf Monday, ifhen o^ratiyM generallj 
consider themselves priYileged to go holiday making. 

Next is to be found a coal merchant, who puSa oS' bi^ "Beat 
Screened Walls-end." This Bhow^ at least, that the coals are not 
without fenlt, for, if perfectly good, they would not require 

the " Monumental Brasses of England. 
included the statne of George IV. in Trafalgar Sqoare, we know not, 
but BO hraUB a specimen certainly merits notice. Indeed, it is 
scarcely likely to be forgotten by the British public. With respect 
to (ho " living Braaei of England," a reference to the present 
House of Commons will furnish dozens. 

iL'lv. addt 

iploined tbe trade 
of the Black Jobbers in question, for such is the varii-ty of Uaclr 
Jobi practised in these days, that people requiring a " pe^ietrator" 
of such oogbt to define their wants more clearly. 

WOBD AND Deed.— The Chortista, during their little effer- 
vesMnce, appropriately enough chose " Justice" oa thdr 
pass-word, for by it they were passed into prison. 

A FicTUKS OP Distress— One sold at " Stowe." 

Bad News.— We see Uiat the cholera has amved at 
Hull. Tliia is bad, for it is sui^li a disgusting place that 

V Man — "VsLL, B11.L, > 

I Singularly Affbopriate. — The new Lord Uajor, 
: beio^ a spoctacle-maker, began buBineea last Saturday bj 
! mnkine a spectacle — and a vei; ridictdous one too—of aim- 
self in nis gilt waggon. 

Fear^ 0'Connorpi«tonda that he thinks nothing of Hie 
}wer 01 tbe GoTemment. We are afraid that when Be finds 
jnself in prison he will think a good deal of it. 


The Handbook to Political " Tumiofc" by Sir R. Peel, "Spnncr." 

Thi!BankrapteyandInsolvent"Conrt"\„ /The Aatior of Jfyi. 
Guide / \ teriet of London. 

The "Bitter Bhetoricinn ;" being a1 „, ni,™«ti 
Sequel to the "English Speaker"/ " "'■ ^""^ 

"A Week in Dublin;" being a com- \ Tn.„T7» i! i. i>».,;o- 
pleteUiBt«ryof"allIraand' J.. TheEnghsh Premier. 

A Treati^i on the Growth of the Hair . ,. {"f |J^"" "^ 

Hints on the Liberty of the Press . . ,, An Irish "Felon." 

The French Sevolution — Magnified! n „, o. l-,l,„ 
and Ubforted . . . !* . .] ■■ P««J St. John. 

IIow to Twist Statistics ft>r Special | jj^, j ^ji^o,, 
Quakerism and Quackery „ Hr. J. BrighL 

■■'i^ ■-'"'••■ ris:^""'"" 

Screw Sleam-Tcssela wrnu Admiralty 1 t_i . li i 
Screws ........ ./" I-*d Auckland, 

"CulT-eyana;" or, a Wop at Chartism . „ Betyamin Cannl. 





Chapter V.— How Mr. Augustus Philips pats a Visit 

TO TWO OLD Friends. 
Long and silently had Mr. Augustus Philips continued his 
promenade, totally regardless of all around him, his mind 
Doiling over with gall, or struggling with despair, according 
as he happened to think of the sum the Pilot's adventure 
had cost him, or to recollect that he had not at that moment 
a sixpence left, and that it would he weeks hefore he touched 
his next quarter's income. It is true that he had written to 
a most particular friend for the loan of £10 ; hut all assist- 
ance from that Quarter was more than apocryphal. 

"What is life, after all!'* said Mr. Augustus Philips, 
heing for the moment in his savage mood. ** A bitter 
mockery — a — a — manufactory of delusive hopes, destined to 
burst lite so many — " "Like so many moral grenades," 
added he, after a pause, " carrying destruction and havoc 
into the hearts of ail around, 'the world is merely a collec- 
tion of debtors and creditors," continued he, in the same 
strain, and thinking most probably of his bootmaker, who 
had confidentially informed him, the same morning, that 
he had a large amount to make up, and should feel obliged 
by the settlement of his small account — " of debtors and 
creditors, in which the latter enjoy, unfortunately, an awful 
preponderance. It is enough to — to — to — " and not being 
able apparently to find a conclusion for his sentence sufficiently 
clenching, he contented himsdf by ejaculating the mono- 
syllable " ah," in a tone of concentrated disgust, and giving 
mmself two or three sharp knocks on the breast. 

His progress was now arrested by a number of persons, 
of all ages, looking with intense anxiety at a small speci- 
men of humanity, m a lai^ straw hat and a short frock, 
feeding die swans. He was on the point of passing them, 
with a bitter smile, when he suddenly stopt short at the 
sight of a good-natured looking old gentleman, in a blue 
coat with brass buttons, a whito hat, a pair of nankeen 
trowsers, and, though last not least, with a beautiful girl of 
about nineteen leaning upon his arm. 

In spite of all his efifbrts, Mr. Augustus Philips felt 
rivetted to the spot. "Pshaw," thought he, "there are 
plenty more as beautiful as she. Besides, would she, or any 
other of her fickle and interested sex, care for a man who has 
not even a sixpence in his pocket ? Ila ! ha! ha I" where- 
upon he laughed internally very sarcastically, and walked on. 

Having given this convincing proof of his mastery over 
himself, he proceeded exactly forty paces, and then walked 
bnck again, taking up his position on the bank, and forth- 
with s^ulously employed himself in admiring the graceful 
form and fair expressive face, shaded by a number of glossy 
blonde ringlets, of the nankecned old ffentlcnian's companion. 

While he was thus engaged, tne young lady herself 
looked up, and observed his eyes intently fixed upon her ; 
on which fche instantly looked away again and blushed 
deeply — an example which Mr. Philips immediatelv followed. 

** A regular flirt," muttered ho, rather inclined to get up 
a quarrel with himself. **As hollow as a lamp-post, no 
doubt. WcU, I shall go." 

" And with his heml orer his shoaldpr luraed," 

he proceeded a very short distance, in order to convince him- 
selt he meant what he said, when his peregrinations were 
put an end to by his foot slipping, and his immediately 
thereupon perfonning a somersault of which even Aimol 
might have been proud, and disappearing in the wttHH*. 

The eflfect of the splash which tollowea his fsJA was terriic 
An immense amount of screaming was instaataiieottsly gol 
up, and every one told every one else ** to erne bua!,'^ 
which, however, no one oflfered to do. The excitsimnt 
was at its height, when a matter-of-fact looking iadiviid^al 
observed that it was not deep, on which every one became 
very courageous, and talked about ** rescuing him from a 
watery grave" — a trouble they were saved, however, by the 
reappearance of Mr. Augustus Philips' feet above the surface 
of the stream, and presentlv afterwards of himself in full. 

With a stem look, dripping like a river-deity, Mr. 
Philips scrambled on shore, endeavouring to appear totally 
indifferent to the lauj^htor which now greeted him — an 
attempt, by-the-way, in which he signally tailed. 

On his asking in an imperious tone for his hat, the 

merriment became more boisterous than before, as the object 
in question, which had been launched with considerable force 
fh>m its owner's head, in his involuntary descent, was now 
floating away far bejrond his reach on the surface of the water. 

*' Excuse me, sir, but may I inauire what course yon 
intend pursuing?" said the old gentleman, coming up with 
Uie young lady on his arm. 

Mr. Augustus Philips was at first about to answer 
fiercely — ^very fiercely — and to show, that though he miefat 
faU into the water with any man, he was not to be insulted 
with impunity; but the frank open manner of his interlocutor, 
and periiaps the presence of his fair companion, completelj 
disarmed nim : ne contented himself, therefore, by blushing 
first from the tip of his toes to the roots of his hair, and then 
from the roots of his hair to the tips of his toes, ultimatelj 
replying, ** that he did n't exactlv know, but that he ratbo' 
inchnea to the belief that he snould take a stroll through 
the gardens." 

** In that state !" said the old gentleman. 

Mr. Augustus Philips replied that he should soon be dir, 
and finish^ by making some feeble and despicable joke 
about taking a bath for nothing. 

'* I think you would do better to take a cab/' obserred 
the old gentleman. 

Mr. Augustus Philips, in his own mind, thought so too ; 
but, alas ! he had nothing in his pocket to pay the fare, and 
therefore, with some remark about borrowing a hat from one 
of the keepers, he was about to depart. 

** I can't allow you to go in this way," said the old 
gentleman, retaining hina. '* Excuse the liberty I take, but 
this is not our first meeting — I Was accidentally present in 
the police-court when yoiu* orother — " 

'* Do not allude to it, sir," replied Mr. Augustus, calling 
up his whole available stock of gall to his aid at the mention 
01 what was more or less the primaxy cause of his own mis- 

" Let me remark, then," continued the old gentleman, 
" that the keeper's hat alluded to is decorated with a gold 
band, which, however becoming on the head of its lawful 
proprietor, would be strangely displaced on that of a — a — " 

"Member of the Honourable Society of the Inn^ 
Temple," said Mr. Augustus, anxious to get away, no 
matter how or where, provided he could only hide himself 
from the gaze of the voung lady, who had been a witness to 
his humiliation. '* There, sir, is my card ; believeme I shall 
always feel grateful for the — " 

** What ! " interrupted his companion, " Philips^ Augus- 
tus Philips — why, yesterday your brother's name w«» Jones 
— but, 01 courbo it was, that 's true— Philips — what, of 

It now came out that the old gentleman, whose name 
was Bagster, had also resided at Teddington, and been a 
friend of Mr. Philips, sen., and that previously^ tok his 
leaving the village, some twelve years ago, to settle i»Bmt, 
Augustus and the young lady on his arm, whe- was- his 
daughter Hamcrt, had been phi^ffrUowt together; 

** Well, this is the best joke I ever heard of," said 
Baorster. laughing till the t^ai* ran* down his cheeks. 

Wilimgly mSM Mr. AufmsiMm Philips have done the 
same ; bnt, after an oiuneoesml atlMnpt, ne gave the thing 
up «a a perfect finilove, and oowtentiBd hims^fwith turning 
scarlet fbr ahw»» tk» ifMtt time, and remarkng that they 
wem '* the obsiPftd' of all obmrrers. " 

'* Bless mf sod," said Mr. Bagnter, now for the first 
tSine cfMMeioOA of the ervwd aroand, whe stood with gaping 
mouths and staring eyesleeking on» '*yoa em't stop here 
— ^ymi shall cone to my lodginin in St. James's Street — 
ck^ at hand, ytm knoiil-^ you can irst dry youreelf, 
aad afterwards have a chop and a chat abeut oM times." 

But Mr. Philips declared thai he woidd sever disgrace 
any one by walking in that plight with him through the 
streets — to which Mr. Bagster replied by an abortive attem;>t 
to pull him along by force — ^the matter being at last ami- 
cably settled by the old gentleman's agreeing to return to 
his house — of which he had given Mr. rhilips the number, 
and the promise to keep the street door open—five minutes 
before that individual, who would then follow. 

These conditions having been carried into execution by 
the departure of Mr. Bagster and Harriet, and the period 
fixed on having elapsed, Mr. Augustus Philips made a 





Budden start, and set off at the top of his speed to Mr. 
Bagster's residence, and the great surprise of the mob» who, 
thinking he was suddenly afflicted with hydrophobia, fell 
aside to let him pass. To keep up, however, the popular 
treatment in cases of this kind, they instanrly afterwards 
followed at his heels, hooting and yelling all the way, until 
Mr. Bagstcr's street-door had shut their victim from their 
Bight ; after which they amused themselves with looking at 
the exterior of the house about three hours longer, and then 
gradually departed, much edified by the result of their 



1. Of coarse you are supposed not to understand French. You 
most, therefore, make use of French words on every possible oc- 

2.^ Some authorities would recommend a constant reference f o 
the dietienary, but unless you have some previous nequnintance with 
the French language this would be dangerous. For instance, you 
mi^ht speak of *' a chest of chrawers" as **une poitrine de taleqous," 
and allude to "a walking match** as **une allumette marchante.** 

3. The safest plan is to copy down the names of streets, and any 
French words which may appear in a plav-bill, or on the carte at ilie 
ct{fe (which vou must never call a coftee-nouse, as an estaminet mvAX 
never be called a tavern). You will find that many of the names may 
be used with great advantage on occasions when you might least 
expect it. 

4. Demi-slang words, such as "rococo** and **chiqtte,** may 
be introduced with considerable effect ; and a sparinii^ use of the 
expressions met with in the topis franc conversations in the 
** Mysteries of Paris** ( or Afysteres de Faris, as you will, of cotu^se, 
call it) will be found to tell amazingly. 

6. If you are writing from a provincial town, no matter what 
the inhabitants may be, complain of * ' the accent of this part of 
Prance, " and speak of the patois as if you knew the difference be- 
tween it and pure French. 

6- Lose no opportunity of showing your knowledge of the various 
classes which^ comjwse French society. Remember that every fat 
man in a white waistcoat is a bourgeois ; every boy, a gamin ; and 
every young woman in a cap, a g rise tie. 

7. Abuse England and the English, as if yon forgot that you 
belonged to eith^ the one or the o^er, and you will then have acted 
m)on tli« plan generally adopted by English reporters writiag from 


The following are a few particulars respecting a new speculative 
body in Lon(&n, entitled " The Great Frozen Ocean Ice 
CoMPANT.*' The premises, one or two doectors, and two or 
three maffnifioently pelkcid blocks of the "congealed ocean,*' are 
already afloat ; and any metropolitan lounger in search of a cooler, 
may " see through " the affair, without spectacles, in the course of 
his wanderings dong the Strand. 

The pkiB of the company is as Mows :•— Capital, £50,000,000, 
to be nused in shares of £50 each« d6 to be deposited on account 
of each share. The remainder to be "called for*' the moment 
ihe Frozen Ocean *' breaks up." 

A fleet of fifty sail (of the line, ot course) to be dispatched on 
the First e( April next from the Thames direct for the Frozen 
Ocean (unless ionl winds compel an indirect passa^), armed with 
spades, pickaxes, and all the necessary implements for eo (A)arduous 
an undertaking. Each ship to be freighted with a number of 
Irish laboorers, whose exclusive duty it would be to "axe the way ** 
to the froxsen re^on^ 

It is calculated that in proportion as the mercury of the ther- 
mometer sinks below zero, the shares of the company will rise ; 
that is to sav, the colder the weatlier becomes, the warmer df 
necessity will be the poekets of the shareholders, because, the 
greater the quantity of ice obtained, the greater vjll be the profits 
derivable therefrom. This is as clear as mud ; or at all events as 
clear as a railway speech from Colonel Sibthorpc. 

The moment a ship comes foul of an iceberg (or, which is more 
probable, an iceberff falls foul of a ship) the labourers will begin 
to demolish it, and Toad the vessel. This will have a twofold cfllcct, 
as in proportion as the icebergs are by such means annihilated, so 
will the Bnin be released from being hemmed in and ice-bound ; 
and they will have nothing to do but to navigate homewards. The 
** drift ** of this plan can be easily imagined oy the reader. 

The affairs of the company will be conducted on a "sliding 
scale ; " but it is advised that holders should be " firm*' in order to 

avoid the chance of a " fall.*' The company calculate that if they 
can " stand upon their legs" only for one twelvemonth, they will 
be able to " break the ice " and conquer all difficulties. 

The following are only a few of the advantages expected to be 
realized by the shareholders and the public at large : — 

I. Champagne drinkers will be enabled to luxuriate in that 
beverage to perfection. Specimen "champagne ice corks** have 
been cut out of a "monster blo<k,** which being introducetl into 
the bottles keep the wine in a delieiously cool state. These corks 
are warranted not to melt too raj/idly. As, however, the sooner 
champagne is "up" the sooiKr it will be " down **—<" still*' 
champagne excepte<i) — there is little doubt of the corks outlasting 
the wme. They aL>o give it a " -parkiing" effbct. 

II. A "refrigerator" has >>?cn prepared, which precludes all 
possibility of an immense block of ir^ perspiring away, during the 
nottest season, more than one dn)\> ^ 't ininute. This is to prevent 
j^he ice taking a " drop too much.' * 

III. To wholesale confectioners the advantages would be in- 
calculable, becauKe they will nalui-ully require whdesale ice. They 
will, therefore^ only have to qjivc their orders for a whole iceberg at 
a time, when a sliip will tiikc one in tow and bring it home. A 
fair allowance will be made for " waste " on the voyage, as, whether 
the weather be hot or cold, "melting moments " will be inevitable. 

IV. Skaters will also be able to pursue their diversions in the 
midst of summer — say even the dog days. The parks wUl, on ap- 
plication to the company, be laid with sheets of ice at the short«Bt 
notice, by which the summer monthti will be invested with all 
the characteristics of a Kusuian winter — and i» inter amusements 
will be afforded in summer weather. This will be peculiarly 
acceptable to the aristocracy and fashion, as they are mogt partial 
to everything " forced '* and " out of season." 

We had almost forgotten to mention, that at the foot of the 
prospectus appears an N.B., to the effect that the 6rei^ Frozen 
Ocean Ice Conopany is in nowise connected with the " dissdving 
views '* at the rolytechnic Institution, 

Oh, Mammon! Mammon! — The Premier fiippantly 
remarks that he considers himself as good ae a prieot, for 
by offering the endowment to the Roman Catholic clergy in 
the shape of gold, he is " laying the extreme imction to their 

GrApe Shot — Prostrate with port beineath the tablo. 

Q, When is a university student like a young goose ? 
A, When he *& green and plucked. 

The ^100 given to the Welsh Educational Institution 
br the Prince of Wales, is este^aed by the Cambrians a 
Welsh rare-bit. (Oh!) 

A Fee Simple — Five shillings tor a hair-dye. 




Sir, — I am a medical assistant^ whidi is a sufficient goarantee 
for my poverty. My days are spent in search of labour at a salary 
of £30 per annum, but the young gentlemen who come to London 
to walk the hospitals deprive me oi success bv giving their services 
gratis, or for an hour or two per day to attend the lectures. I have 
had an interview of late with a professional gentleman who deigned 
to grant me an audience of half an hour, and with whom I had 
nearlv succeeded in making an engagement lie wished to know if 
I had seen much pactice m midwifi^ry ? I answered — very mu^ ! 
Had I any objection (as a philanthropist) to stay in on the Sunday 
as well as any other day ? I replied — no ! Had I any a\'ersion to 
rising, on an average, twice m the night ? I agreed to this ! 
Could I keep the books ? I hoped I could ! Did I understand Latin 
thoroughly ? I trusted so ! Was I conversant with the operations in 

of three surgeons and two clergymen! "Very well, sir," con- 
cluded the i^sculapian prodigy, " I see that we shall corac to terms ; 
but there is one request I have to make, which I think the generosity 
of your disposition will not suffer you to refuse." "Name it," 1 
exclaimed eagerly. " In any unavoidable abeence of mv ' attend- 
ant,' have you any aversion occasionally to wait at table." Five 
smart lashes with my cane on tlie miscreant's shoulders was my 
answer, and I mshed like a madman from the room. 

I renudn, Sir, your obedient ser>'ant, 




"E have inTcntoJ a 

Musical Notation 
by means of jjic- 
tures, which, al- 
though subject, in 
a Jew cases, tc 
aome ioconveiticn- 
cas, Buch as unin- 
telliiiibilitr, is, ivc 
flntter ourselves, an 
improvemeDt upon 
tlie inconseqiieiitliil 
and other methoUs. 
If our syaleni 
should be generally 
adopted, M nhicL 
one or two of tlie 
beat authorities 
hft?e the presump- 
I tion to entertnni 
doubts, a piece ol 
, , music will not onh- 

servc to dcm<»istrate the talents of the musician, but also to 
Mhibit the capabiUties of the artist. Wo would indicate 
the names of the nolca in the following manner:— 
. ^^. •r'neanHofadoerabbit Thesharpnessof the note to li.^ 
indicated by the elevation of the rabliit's cara, its flatness by their 
depreaaion, it£ naturalness bj their being in their ordinary stale 

Re, by means of a raj oflight. The sharpness to be iudicatevl 
by the acntencss of the angle formed by the ray with the earth iJie 
flatness by the obtnsencsB of the angle, and the naturalness by its 
being at right angles. ' 

Mi, by means of an indLviJual who is supposed to represent the 
person pkjing the p.ece of music. The individual could be repre- 
tenled as a writer for tho I'uppet-Show if it were desired to 
indicate sharpness, flatness would be Buggcsted by the portrait ol 
I legitimate manager, and nstoralncss b» Ibe fiirure of an ordinsrv 
mrt. nrlunii^ " a J 

■e theideaofdistana'. 
in? reprpsented as on 
md naturalness by on 

wrt of beiug. 

, *"". lij means of a design which shouhl b 
sharpness would be indiciUed by the land I 
lo aielivity, flatness bj an oxleoded waste, 
English meadow. 

Sol, by means of the snn. Sharpness to be indicated by the sun 
n the trapica, flatness by the sun in Iceland, and naturalness by 
he sun in some countiy in the temperate lono. 

la, by means of a joung lady in astonishment, and who would, 
x ? matter of coarse, exelaim la ! Sharpness to be indicated by an 
acited slate of astonishment, flatness by one of a more torpid 
iharaetCT-, and naturalness by a jonng lady in conversation wilh 
OTM other young lady who is conveying to her some ordinary piece 

SS, by means of the sea. Sharpness to be bdicated by the s 
innngft slorm, flatness by a perfect cahn, and naturalness bv t 
ea in its usual condition, 

JV-.B.— A gentleman belonging lo the PoppBT-Snow will 
«wiUmg to giTC lessons according to the aboTe system at 
ne rate of dto gumeas per lesson. 

T is cuiioua that snobs cannot CTon marry witiiout belray- 
ng their aaobbiBh prcroensitiea. From last Friday's TmL 

m learn that a, Mr. B married a Miss \V . This ia 

IJ right andproper; but why should B inform tho woHd 

hat Don Miguel was to have been there but for the ilenlh 
1 hia aunt ? Could the presence of tlio Don have iiindc the 

ccaaion more solemn, or the match happier or B more 

nndsome, ur \V . more beautiful? We wiU be bound 

} C~7 ",", "'■ ■".*"* '^^^ "^^ '>oi«st man than the Don ; 
nd why truckle to him m such a manner ? The Don is 

nown to be ~ ' ■ ' 

an't see how 

iremony in any way whatei 

is enobbish, 

, „ •, read ilie 

„ ■ - -" won t fall into such an error again. 

■0 you really suppose that tho great British public cares 
ho WM at your marriage ; or wJieUiar the Don has lost his 
jnt, bis cousm, or his graudniotlicr ? 

When you find yourself bereft of 

Children, father, mother, wifo— 
When each tie is harshly severed 

Which once bound you unto life. 
Do not thiuk that Borrows such as 

These are either rare or now— 
Millions of your lei low-mo rials 

Hare endured them : so must you. 
When you find, while fortune srailcth. 

Servile crowds flock to your aide. 
Who will blazon forth your virtues. 

Who your faults will sedc to hide, 
Do not think that, Fortune frowning. 

One a generous act would do — 
Millions of your iellow- mortals 

Know they would not: so shall you. 
When you find vour efforts seon to 

Bring naught else but deadly blight— 
Whcjiyousee that all your ■ ' 


In fact dear B^-, tohragof theBraganza is « 
hut up the Peerage, open the Sook o/Snofej i 
cppbt-Show, andy- — ' '-" -■ 

Only di-aw your cfiains morolight. 
Do not think that you can never 

Snap the links— the bonds undo — 
Millions of your fellow.niortals 

llave o'ercome tliom : so vui>/ >/oa. 

la well known tliat newspa]^cr editors change their poli- 
' as readily as they do their coats, and, in some 
^ B8, we are afraid, a great deal more often. The gi-eateat 
ingenuity has lately been shown by the French editors in 
making this change, and in proriiig, as is usual in these 
~ises, that the change is in fact no change at all — that 
eircumalanccs and not themselves have altered," ic, &c. 
At first thought it apj>eats a difficult matter for a writer of 
royalist principles to prove in the short space of tJiree days, 
and half a column of letter-press, that ho is and always has 
been a thorough republican j but something in the following 
style has generally been successful in effecting this object : — 
Ti) OoR StiBscEtiBERS— It is now forty years since we 
had the pleasure of first addressing you. Of those who read 
our journal at its commencement, the old are now dead, the 
young are very far advanced in years, and even the children 
are middto-aged persons. We think we may state boldly 
that none, either of our original subscribers or of those who 
have subsequently honoured us with their patronage, will 
deny that we have, in spite of our name— which, after all, 
signifies nothing— always proved ourselves of stem unflinch- 
ing republican principles. But the best way of establishing 
beyond donbt our love of freedom is by referring toour con- 
duct under ciixiumstances which gave us an opportunity of 
manifesting it. Have we not, then, we ask, always shown 
the greatest dislike to paying taxes, and have we ever paid 
the money for a bill-stamp without a sigh ? And tlien the 
glonous words which at once convey tho whole idea of our 
glorious republic I Who, when sent to Clichy by the dia- 
bolical machinations of inhuman ci'editors- who, under these 
trying circumstances, pined for Libektv with more eager- 
ness than our;elves ! Again, we have always mamtained 
the principles of ]:qcautv with the greatest strictness- 
plebeian by bii-th, we have always looked upon ourselves 
as perfectly on an EftUALiiY with the proudest aristocrats. 
We are quite convinced that our love of FiiATBRsrrr will not 
be questioned, for at the comniencomont of every new half- 
year we have never failed to call upon you, our subscribera, 
to unite one and all in paying up your subscriptions. 
LiBEitTY, Eqitalitt, and Fhatbrsity are the principlea 
which tlie Republic professes— Libertt, EquALin, and 
Fraterstty arc the principles wliith we have ever main- 
tained. rUe 111 Rrj.uhJigiu ! 




At the recent Chartist trials the renowned Cuffej played a 
part almost as conspicuous as that of the forensic firebrand, 
Mr. KenealcT. 

The legal objections raised by Cuffey were scarcely less 
astute, or rather less asinine, than those of the pugnacious 
barrister. In fact Cuffey woidd have proved himself a most 
able lunioar to Ksnealey, had he been a black sheep instead 
of a olack victim of the law. 

Kenealey was learned upon the corrupt practices^ of 

" to be tried by a jury of my peers ! 

Now, who are Uufiey's peers ? — Are they the grim barons 
who compelled John to si>i:n his famous promissory-note ? 
or did Cvakj {nigroque iimilimiis) expeet a jury of Ethiopian 
Berenaders to be empanelled, vrith Boz's Juba, or Molyneux 
the black, as foreman ? ^ Perhaps Cuffey, who is intimate 
with Magna Charta, likewise possesses a smattering of black- 
letter law ! If so, and the Webber Street conspiracy had 
Bucoeeded, who knows but Cuffey might have sat, a Chartist 
Blackstone, upon Uie sable woouacK of the National Con- 
Tention ! 

Fortunately, however, for Cuffey, and for society, these 
are enlightened times, else the Star Chamber might ere this 
have introduced Cuffiay's head to its congenial block ; or, at 
least, instead of Mr. Hemp being troubled to form a jury, 
Mr. Calcraft might have been required to provide a rope. 

In short, we need look no further back than the days 
" when (Jeorge the Fourth was king," to feel convinced that 
the black arts of the Chartists wouki have been counteracted 
by the black cap of the judge, and ^ufiey and his co- 
conspirators be aangling like one of those numerous ropes 
of onions with which the neighboiu'hood of their meeting, 
Clure Market, abounds. 


Thb following letter was dropped by one of the jurymen on 
the Chartist trials, on the occasion of their being taken out 
for a walk by the officers in charge. The writer no doubt 
hoped that some charitable person would pick it up, and 
forward it to its destination ; out as he had forgotten to put 
any address on the cover, the Showma^k, who found it, 
tiiought that the best course would be to print it in full in 
the Puppet-Show, by which means it eoiild not fsul to meet 
those eyes for which it was intended. 

London Coffee-houte, 
Sept, 28, 1848. 
Dear Little Didbt, 

It is no use repining against ooe*s fate, and therefore I shall not 
say how wretched and miserable I feel at being Beparat^d ro long from 
my own dear dau-ling. I will merely observe, that if there is one 
class of men I hate more than all others, it certainlj is the Chartists, 
a set of— but I won*t be violent; it only irritates me, and makes 
things worse. 

How are matters going on ? Is the beautiful Stilton that was 
begun the evening hefore my departure all gone ? If not, lock it up 
till I return ; and Khould yoor cousin Clmrles drop in, give him 
some of the kitchen Gloucester — it's quite good enouffh. By the 
way, as joa must be dull without me, I will pay for a oox for you 
at the theatre, provided you can get vour father to go with you — 
and also take the children ; but mind, I distinctly object to your 
going alone with Charles. 

The coals, I suppose, are pretty well out h^ this time ; if so, 
you can lay in two or three tons : I should think that would last 
you till my release. 

There is one conclusion I have come to since I have been a 
victim to this legal tyranny : I will make my boys either butchers. 
Burgeons, or clerjiyraen, for then they cannot be seized upon and 
caped, no better than a set of convicts, whenever the Cufteys of 
their da^ shall choo)>e to get up a conspiracy, or "flie existing 
authorities take it in then* head to make iur^men of them— ^ 

Your affectionate 


PS. — I suppose I s^all get released by Christmas; however, 
there is no knowing. If I am not, I think you had better spend 
your Christmas with your father ; in case, however, you do give a 
party yourself you will, of course, not invite Charles. 


The past Session has been iniquitous beyond expression, as 
the "six points*' have been repudiated. In £^ its sole 
object has been to ** catch'* me, which, although Parliament 
has sat so much longer than usual, has not been accomplished. 
Many persons have been ofiered thousands of pounds to ob- 
tain my conviction, and any sum would now be given willingly 
for my valuable head. 

In spite of a mercenary House of CommonB and a venal 
press, I shall soon see the poor labourers occQmrii^ lauded 
estates, and purchasing more from the manu&eturer and 
tradesman than all the other classes put together. I possess 
no money myself: I don't care about it ; in fact, I don't like 
money. But if I had twenty millions I woi^ not spend a 
shilling of it on myself—- 1 would give it all to the people. 

M^ opinion of the House of Commons is that it does not 
contain one honest or talented man except myself. 

My opinion of the Press is tiiat it ooes not include one 
honest or talented ioumal except the Northern Star, which 
is published weekly, price sixpence. The London news- 
pa|)ers generally are edited by men who have been convicted 
of the most revolting crunes, and who can onlv be character- 
ized as mean, sneakmg thieves, and brutal, bloody-minded 

I advise my followers to avoid secret associations having 
violent objects in view ; not because there is any erime in 
belonging to them, but because it is attended with danger. 

Ifyou will re-elect me, I pledge you myr sacred word of 
honour that you shall have the Charter in eighteen noonths. 
In case Lord John Russell should presume to refuse it, I have 
made arrangements for obtaining it from Sir Robert Peel as 
soon as he takes office. 

[ Mr. O'Connor was then reelected by a lai^ mijoritj of 
dirty hands.] 





This interesting event came off last week, amidst a large attendance 
of the Fancv, at the Old Bailey. Both men were in good condition 
for the combat, having been in training at Billingsgate. Bodkin 
was the bottle-holdi^ tor the Brick, and Parry assbt^ the Sbsher, 
The ompire was old Erie, who has had great experience in these 

Round 1. — The men came up to the scratch pluckily, and 
dodged knowingly ibr some time. The Brick made play with his 
right, which was well stopped by the Slasher's left. A straggle, 
and the Brick down. (Cries of *' Go it. Slasher !") 

Round 2. — The Slasher made play with his rjeht^ and tapped 
the Brick on the snout, from which the claret flowed copiously. 
(•'First blood for the Slasher !") 

The next round both parties save nn&ir blows, and the umpire 
Erie was appealed to, on whicn the Slasher wanted to pmich 
his head. 

The fighting after this became more confused, the men hittinfl^ 
wildly. 'J he Brick was heavil^r grassed, and cume up piping and 
groggy with a mouse under his left eye. The Slasner's peepers 
were blackened when he tipped the Brick the Horsham cut, and 
was pronounced the winner, but the claim was denied by the backers 
of the Brick. 


We are not inclined to regard this afiair as very creditable 
to the Ring. There was an ill-feeling evident on both sides, 
which is not often seen among the game cocks of good breed ; 
and there was also a desire shown to snarl at the decision of the 
umpire. The Queen's Bench Brick could not keep his temper, and 
the Slasher hit foul blows once or twice. On the whole, the Slasher 
has improved in his hitting ; but it must be said of him, as a fighter, 
that he does not known where to stop. A few more such combats, 
and the Old Bailey Ring will lose all its respectable supporters. 

Jebtis and Ballantine.— 2 Fees a-sidb. 



[R. Charles FLAsntET, a jonnji; (tcn- 
tleraan of two-and Iwcntyand aptntlc- 
mimlj exterior, was brounht op— frnui 
tlie cellar undvr our office, in wliicti 
he hitd Ncn confined — and placed in 
the dock beroro his Honour the Siiow- 
MAS, charged wilh sfcnlUijj a golJ 
bracelet, the propcrtj of a joung lo-ly, 
nnder the following eitroordin.irv cir- 
cumstances : — 

M \si Rose Wood, a joons lady pos- 
eessed of many personal charms and 
£50.1)00, stated Ibat the prisoner had 
fbr «ome time greatly annojed liei by 
foilowing and alaring immoderatelv n't 
her nherever rfie BeoL He had Inielj 
taken lodgings opposite her papn'e 
-. houBO, andivas in the habit of closelv 

: -' watching all her movements. Whlfe 

walking nilh a friend the previous 
nnernoon she had dropped her bracelet, 
vhich the ddt'iidant, nho as uaual was 
a fcv paces behind, had picked up, and 

reaolutelj refused to return. 

. Mr. Bully, of the Rnn of BuUj, Swagger, and Bounce, who 

appeared for tlie dcfeiiilant, said thalhisclient had merely done irlint 

were thelacts of the case? A young man ttho, (honeh not possessed 
of wealth, hod what was far superior— a name that the breath of cul- 
umn; had never Inintcd. and a eharaeter white and spotless as the 
snow-clad Alps— had fnllenJeBperalely in love wilh ayoanglady an- 
fortunatelj possessed of £50,000 ; a fact, howcTer, iifwhichhe wasnot 
at first aware, as she was an utter stranger lo bim. This joun^ lady 
anpeared to favour his suit, and had, while walking before bim on 
tnepreriona afternoon, dropped a bracelet, on which was the device 
of Cupid, wilh a bow and arrow in his hand. The defendant had 
picked it up ; and was it not, he would ask, natural that the latter 
should suppose il intended for him t The idea of any felonious inten- 
liim was as mnnalrous as It was ridiculous. His client had, it is 
Irae — andinhii, Mr. Bully's, opinion, veryju-slly — refused to restore 
il, believing that such was not the young lady's wish, but merely 
that of her parents, nho were averse to the match. 

In answer to his Honour the Showuam, Miss Wood replied that 
she bod never piveo Mr. Flashlejany encouragement She did not 
know the intrinsic value of the brac«leL It was a present Irom 
Captain Orlboobi, of the Bines. 

His Honour s.'ud it appeared to him that Hr. Flasfaley had been 
deceived as regarded the younjr lady's sentimenla. Hedid not sup- 
pose that he hod been octiiatM by felonious motives in keeping the 
gauntlet — he meant the brocdet- and that, therefore, he should 
merely order him to restore il, at the same time advising him to be 
more careful in liitnre. The parties then withdrew. . 

The BuowHAN has been induced to moke this case puUic, in 
the hope that it may be a warning lo youn^ gentlemen tgtilnst sup- 
posing that a young lady cannot blow her nose, gape, wear a flower 
in her bosom, sneeie, eougii, or drop a bracelet, without intending 
each and every of these actions to be a sign of her admiration and 

IIbr Gracious Majesty is Eliowiiig a wisdom bi>fitting her 
rank in coming back bo soon from Scotland. She must be 
yery glad to escape tlie reporters, who havo been taking the 
necessary staps — very long onea too — to pick up every detail 
about her for the gratificatioD of the Snods, We observe 
thot the Times' reporter, with his usual _good taste, says, in 
speaking of her projected dopartm'c, " it noa intemlail that 
the Virago shoula proceed to sea!" This is certainly very 
loyal indeed on the part of the liner, and had it been said of 
Queen Elizabeth, would have ensured him a good box on the 
ear from that delicate, lady-like sovereign. 

'. One of the devices — a yery stupid device as we think — in 
honourof the Queen, nt Aberdeen, was the "Aberdeen bow," 
in exhibiting which we think the authorities very much 
overshot the mark, for what meaning it could have we can- 
not uoderBtand. Indeed, the bow string would havo been a 
very proper reward for the stupid inventor of the compli- 

It is rumoured that iJie reporters who have been dogging 
Tier Majesty aro to be next employed as spies upon the 

We leara from the Titaet of tJie SOth ult. that Mr. W. ] 
tbe astronomer, has been at&rring it in the provinces. He ' 
informs the world that he has t^scovered an eighth aatcllita ' 
of Salurti, which clearly shows what a aerTile syateiit tl>e 
Solar System is, where one potentate has no leas Uian eight 
satellite:* in attendance on bim. 1 1 

Lnssell seems a ninn of a enpercilious disposition, for ha 
says, "I did not recognise lapetus." What had lapetus 
done that he should be cut dead in tbia manner! Mad he 
been goiuc out of his proper sphere, and presuntinjc oa 
Mr. Lasseli's intinincy with bim ? Mr. Loseell sava that ' 
the ren»ion tbiR satellite bos escaped observation, has oeen iu 
"extreme faintness." We are »>ri-y that it bos been UDtrell ; 
hut now that it has partaken of a " glass " of Mr. Lassell's, 
wc hope that it will appear permanently iu sidereal society, 
and take a place in the galaxy of fashion. We must en- 
iit'ogo Mr. hnssell to pursue his inquiries, and hmA his 
js upon tbe heavenly orbs ; and may say to him, in the 


SnTiKS at breakfast in the parlour when a wasp flies in at ; 
the window and stings your prettv daughter Sophia's no^, 
on the verr day that young Cocklee, your rich neighbour, is | 
to call una pop the question. j 

Returning home at night (their being no gas, of course, ' 
to disturb your simple hamlet), you stumble across eome- | 
thing, which a grunt, as you fall, shows to be a pig. ; 

PrBLic SECCRiinss— The Chartists in jirison. 

aniBsbft efrtruirDinnrir. 
JULIUS SAUFTSKULL, of Muddlefog, gentleman, 
'•' maketh oath, and saith, that haying seen divers times 

an advertisement in the morning papers, setting forth on the ', 
face thereof that, if he sent unto one C. W.vtson eight ' 
postage stamps, he should in return therefor, and free of .ill 
post^e charge, receive a splendid solid Albata Plate Spoon. 

And thia deponent also says, that he did send the said 
eight posta^ stamps. 

And this deponent iurther says, tliat this is a true 
and correct ^^,„ .jge^'^ copyoflhu 

veral do- ■'"' aigna made 

thereon before the delivery thereof to this deponent. 

Aud this deponent further saith, that thid is a true ami 
correct copy ^-v^^ j^- - of the epoon 

he did receive, ■*■ V>t,.„^ S S ^'''^ ^ ***"* 

rol squashings ^^^^^^'^'^El^^^j^ „ ^_-' of the post- 
office letter ^^•'■^r\;\y^ stampa made 
thereon before the receipt thereof by this deponent. 

And this deponent prays that your Honour the Snow- 
UAN will be pleased to direct that Qovemment extend a little 
of the same care which they have ever shown for arisiocmtic 
spoons to spoons of olbala plote. 


Swoni before me this a&tU day of ^ 
September, 1648, having been tirat \ 
duly signed by the said ifeponent, J 



Cbaftbr XIII. — Oh Rowing Mek— Their Uaknebs 

AND Customs. 

FTER croBsing to 
the Smrey aide 
of WeBtmiuBter 
Bridge, if you 
tiim up to your 
Hght tnrougQ the 
narrow unpaved 
lano wliicb leads 
through Stan- 
gate, you will 
come to Mr. 
Searle'a great 
boat and boating 
'station— the Tat- 
' tersall'a of the 
> river, and the 

Sri me lounge and 
trough tlie capa- 
cious ehcd, amid stacks and piles of wherries, gigs, and 
funnieB, and you will find yourself on the shingly hcacli 
inspecting the labours of Jacks-in-the-water, who ore 
fasteuinKlittie mats on the thwarts of boats, and brinffinw 
otXA and bcuUb from the repository above, for the behoot 
of groups of rowing men who are chatting and Bmoking 

They ore generally a stalwart set, these amateur 
watermen of the Thamee— with very broad shoulders, 
■verr muscular arms, and very homy red hands. They 
mase it a point of honour to wear the very shaggiest of 
pea-coats, tLevery clumsieBtandlooseat of duck trowsera, 
and the very broadest brimmed of etraw-hats. Of course 
when afloat the pea-jacket is thrown off; and a species 
of garment resembling n second cotton skin is displayed ; 
this intesument littiog so tight, and showing the uiuscn- 
!ar development so well, that when an eight or »ii-oar 
shoota by a steamer on her way to Richmond, the young 
ladies on the deck feel themselves hound liy the highest 
moral obligations to simper fiuntfy, and look np at each 
other through the comers of their eyes. 

The conversation of the rowing man^ genemtly 
technical and characteristic. We sulntnn a sample, 
laying the scene on the shore at Seorie's ? 

In Rowing Man. Didn't Charley Stokes pull stroke 
in the Guy's? 

2nd Enicing Man. Aye, but he sculls better. Double- 
day thought so, and be trained him for that match in 
the outrigger wager boat. 

Srrf Roicing Man. He didn't pull that so ill— but he 
got out of stroke under the Chanoellor's. Chariey vriti be 
good this seaxon. 

anJ Roteing Man. Now, then. Jack. When ore we 
to have that ran-dan ? 

Jack-in'lh^-utater. All right, sir! 

1j( Roiting Man. We 're losing a Richmond tiilc, 

Srif Rotcinij Man. And I want to say something to 
Mrs. Avis at the Bells. 

Sad Roaiag Man. Who '3 seen Philna ? 

]«( Roving Man. I have — he's got his newboat and 
is training beautifully. His arms are like steel. 

_ Zrd Roaing Man. Pliilps is only good for a spurt at 
going off. 

Itl Roaing Man. They scythe outrigger's given him 
a lift, though. Is the match settled ? 

2iid RoietM Man. Yes. the lost <leposit was made at 
the Swan on 'Tueaday. Tom showed and looked quite 
plucky, for all the Bell's Life. 

Jack-iii-the-icaUr. Now, then, Gen-l-m'n. 

And the ran-dan — that is to say, a wheiTy manned by 
three rowers, the firet and third jmlling oars and tlic 
centre man pulling sculls— glides rapidly along the bank, 
on her way to Uie green shores of Richmond. 

The rowing man uioy be seen to jierfection at that 
pleasant river inn, tlic Eight Bells of Putney. Only 
Boobs put in at the Red House. Sunday counter-jiunpers 
out at sixpence an horn' in a funny hired at llungerfoi'd — 

or gentlemen who patronize long clay pipes, and row 
" theiryoung women as they are keepuig company with" 
up to Chelsea. But Putney is the grand resting station 
on the way to the upper reaches of die river — to the region 
where towing-paths stretch along the banks, and the 
tall greeu rusbee rise rusdingly from tlie clear stream, 
and bushy aits gem the quiet surface. Very pleasant 
it is, from ttie old clumsy straddling wooden bridge to 
watch the Quick coming quick going eights and sixes aa 
they shoot by— 'their coxswains bobbing in the stems, 
ana overy arm, every muscle of the rowers working like 
the mechanism of a watoh. Here and there the acuUer 
floata along in that elongated cockle-shell known as ft 
wager boat, die occupant sometimes resting on his 
dripping oars, then with one long powerful stroke sending 
the canoe-like craft shooting a dozen yards olonz, or 
rather on, the very top of the surface, leaving hardly a 
bubble in its wake. And the majoritv of the boats gtide 
insensibly towards the shingle bnieatn the Eight Hells, 
and the crews stand about on the beach in that pictu- 
resque state of semi- nakedness so much favoured by 
rowing men, or loiter in balconies, or smoke at open 
windows, and watch the gaudy Richmond st«amers, or 
the lagging Brentford barges, as they tail to re-erect their 
stumpy mast and brown-raked swls and float steadily 
on with the rising tide past the Bishop of London s 

The thorough rowing man seldom troubles bis head 
about other sports. Heknows nothing about ayacht, and 

Srobably has seldom passed the Nonh Forlaud widiout 
olefiiUy murmuring curses on salt water, and all that 
appertains to it. Still less does he afiectionate the sporte 
of the field. He 's all for fresh water, wager wherries, 
oars, and sculls. He turns in his weeklv sporting paper 
to "Aquatics" first; and devours all die gossip of ail 
the matohes 1*11 ytlio before he thinks of the Metropolitan 
Steeple-chase or the Liverpool grand meeting. The 
rowing man is well up in river chaff and alone, and can 
encounter a bargee with his own weapons. lie is aware 
of the hidden barb — where it is, or what it Is, we have 
never been able to discover — struck home by die inquiry. 

" Who eat the puppy pie under Marlow Bridge ?" He is 
not disconiposeu by being saluted as " white-headed Bob," 
and requested to como out of the wherry and look at 
himself sculling ; nor does he mind being asked to i>oud a 
lock of his liair to die applicant, by mean:i of the Parcel 
Delivery Conipany. Generally despising all tUeae taunts, 
as well OB any depreciatory criticism of his stvie of rowing 
which be may encounter, lie pulls steadily along, under- 
going, for tiio pure love of the thing, about as mucli labour, 
in urging his boat from Westminster Bridge to Richmond 
Bj'idge and back again, as many a gentleman, sent into 
retirement for a mouth or two for putting his hands iuto 
his neijrh hour's jiockets. perfoims m the course of a day's 
salubrious exercise at Bnxton. 

The rowing man is generally a member of a boat 
club, and passes half his timeduring the aeaaon iii the sub- 



Bcrtption rooms appertainiDg to it. Here matches are made 
up, the merits of watermen discussed, the build of wherries 
criticized, and the chances of the next r^atta debated. The 
rowing man is generally jolly and conyivial in hb tastes, affec- 
^onatmg cigar'cases, and never shrinking from a pull at the 
pewter — except yrhsa he is training for a match, when he 
makes it a pomt of honour to dine upon half raw beef-steak, 
and a scanty allowance of pump. He is fond of exhibiting 
the muscles of bis fore-arm, and always knows bis weight 
to an ounce. The rowing man loves the Thames. He thinks 
all other rivers humbugs compared to it. He wonders whether 
the Danube could turn out an ei^ht-oar like the Leander, or 
whether there be a couple on the Rhine, from the Lake of 
Constance to Rotterdam, who could touch the Double-dees. 
And having propounded these two subjects for wonderment, 
with a conlaent, scornful air, he laugns^ complacently, and 
calling for a bottle of gin^r-beer and a pint ot ale in a quart 

Sot, mixes the liauids ana drinks to Old Father Thames in a 
owing beaker Oi shandy-gaff. 



Labt week a writer in the Times compared the dulness of 
our law courts to that of a "patent theatre devoted to the 
performance of the legitimate m^ma. ' * We understand that 
this comparison has excited the greatest indignation among 
the dow and legitimate classes. Webster has declared that 
he will not advertise in the Timet after opening the Hay- 
market wilh his " la^timate " company; Sadlers Wells has 
ti^en the paper off the free list ; and Mrs. Warner, while 
hesitating as to what ulterior steps she shall take, has, 
nevertheless, remained in hysterics since the appearance of 
the article. At the same time, Cowell and the mob who 
howled and hooted at the Monte Christo company have not 
been idle. A meeting of the gang was called, and a reso- 
lution adopted which binds the members, on entering their 
penny coTOe-shops, not to ask for the Times; they have even 
threatened, in case of the Times midntaining its anti-legiti- 
mate views, to demand the Herald , and one, more daring 
than the rest, goes so far as to swear that he will read it. 


Thebe is woe in the halls of the Puritans, and wail in the 
conventicles of the bigots. Her Majesty returning from Scot- 
land travelled on Sunday by an express train T Her loyal 
subjects in Scotland are therefore divided between the snob- 
bism which prompts to servile tmitatioa, and the bigotry 
which impels to Methodist snivd. We «re Aoxiov to see 
how thev will act between die two influences. 

In the first place, will they do in ft-idipottB natter, as 
ihey do in matters of dress and fashio n fp o the liberalism, 
as well as inutate the customs of Ibe Someign ? In that 
case, theh' darling bigotrjr must be aunificed. On the other 
hand, if they stiU repudiate Sundi^ travellmg sl^r Royal 
axample, wHat becomes of that fervent toyalty -which ^n&- 
rally narmonises so well with bigotry in the tiions mmd ? 
The truth is, thejr are in a difliinilt position—^' Bow down. 
Snob,'* says Sooiety, on the one hand ; '* stick up, Bigot,** 
says 0«ity4n|ihe other. 

We are inclined to believe that Sunday travelling will 
gam the day, for this reason— that Puritanism is not sincere, 
and Snobbism is. We think that Her Majesty's Sunday 
journey will be found to have acted as a charm, and the 
Royal breath to have melted the chill fanaticism of the 
Agnewites. In fact, their pretended respect for the Lord's 
Day will be transferred to th« Queen*s day, and they will 
keep the Sabbath holy by running special trains in honour 
of the Sovereign who, having spent six days in doing all 
that she had to do in Scotland, hallowed the seventh by 
hurrying home as fast as she could. 

We therefore expect, that the Agnew sect, whose list of 
" necessary works' on Sunday has hitherto included only 
preparing a hot dinner and sending the servants to church, 
will now comprehend travelling by railway also. Let us 
thank Providence that the snobbish sentiment is likely to 
do good for once — a consideration which should induce us 
to overlook Uie fact, that in her anxiety to set a good 
example. Her Majesty did not hesitate to run the risK of 
ofienabg the feelings of a few thousands of her subjects. 

The Ill-read Republicahs. — Some astonishment has 
been expressed by Our Dischaiiged Contributor that tk 
" Red ** Republicans should be so called, whw most of them 
never perused a book in their Hves. 

(a fragmevt.) 

John O'Ballaohan examined. Bemembers the — ^th instiBL 
Saw Mr. Smith O'Brien there. 

The ATTORNET-GrBRERAL — Do you Bee him now? 

WmcEss— No, BUT. 

The Attornet-Geicbral— Look in the dock, s'r. 

Mr. Whitesidb — I object — 

Lord Chief-Jctsticb — ^Toor otgeetifln is ovennled* nr. 

Mr. WHiTESiP fl Iwtfc my— 

Lord CHiEF-Jusnei— 4>o on, witness. 

Witness — I new saw Mr. 0*Bbien, sir. 

Mr. Smith 0*Bkib]|— As witans is Ijmg, my l<»d. 

Mr. Whiteside — ^A very fit man for a Crown witness ! 

The Attorney-General — I protest against sach observa- 

Chief-Justice— CaU the next witness. 

Constable Timkins, A 91— Was at the widow M'Cormai^'s. 
Shot two men. ( Laughter. ) 

Cross-examined — Is a very good shot. {Renewed lamghster, ) 

Chief-Justice — Have you still a shot in the lodrer % (Rmts 
rf laughter,) 

Mr. Whiteside protested. 

The Attorney-General could not un — 

Mr. Smith O'Brien wanted— 

Witness — Please, my — 

Usher of Court— Silence. {Roars Slaughter, ) 

Chief-Justice- €k) on, witness. 

&c. &0. kc 



There is^no use in speculating any inrther whether the 
Cholera will come or not It is nero. It is a fact as India- 

Sutahle as Whig incompetence. It has throned itsdf on Uie 
irt of Edinhnrgh, and its hreath is pmsoning ^ air of the 
north. The time for prophets is gone hy, and England 
mnst act— or perish. 

Meanwhile, what are they ahont in the City — that part 
of the comitry which is the first to join in agitation, and the 
last to ahdish dirt ? They are talking aMut the disorder 
— hahhhnff ahout the dancer — agremng in nothing, exc^t 
that their Medical Officer should l^ piud worse ^an aflimJkey. 
The^ a3« stingy in the faceof death. The fact is, they c»re 
nothing for the public safety. Each man looks afto him- 
self, and each man thinks he will escape, whatever becomes 
of the rest of the world. The very shadows of death cannot 
cloud the bright hopes of a fool ; the ncnse of the chariot 
wheels of the Destroyer does not drown the babble of an 

It seems ridiculous to allude to such a person as Mr. 
Wire, as likely to do any harm by his exertions agfunst the 
cause of common sense ; but so l<mg as he is listened to at 
meetings, and reported in the Times, he may be dangerous. 
We therefore point him out as one of the wcn^ examples of 
the stupid sort of opponents of useful measures, and, c<m- 
tenting ourselves with doinff so, leave him to his impotent 
recalcitration and his un-ecnoed bray. 

The time is now come when extraordinary activity must 
be resorted to; and the middle classes must not be deterred 
from their exertions when they see, as they certainly will, 
the aristocracy hurry from the scene of danger and difficulty 
with shameless indifference and dishonest haste. 

It shodd be rememb^*ed, that the Cholera niust be met 
by individual, even more than public, precautions ; and we 
think that, on the whole, no one will jgo very far wrong who 
looks carefully after his health, ana disregards Mr. Wjre, 
who looks on all precautions as "extravagant humbug !" 





A correspondent thinks that one single interesting pas- 
sage in the speeches of Mr. Austey is, like the north-west 
one, yet to be discovered. 

It appears that the Yankees are brinn^ing forward one of 
iheu- most distinguished Whigs as a candidate for tlie Presi- 
dency against his will ! This shows how fond they are of 
smoking their Clay, 

Several commissions, conferring the titles of captain, 
colonel, general, <tc., have been found in the pockets of 
some of the Irish rebels. The authorities should end the 
work they have begun by sending the owners to a mad- 
house, ** commissions of lunacy " having abeady been taken 

Douglas Jerrold is often unable to finish his works. 
How touchins: when so' great a sympathy exists between an 
author and his readers ! 

A certain Mr. Garnet, and other members of the Maryle- 
bone Vestry, are very indignant at the Commissioners of 
Police attempting to impose an increased rate. Strange, 
that though they can perceive the hideousness of such con- 
duct in others, these worthies should still so overrate 

Christina and her paramour Munoz have latelv obtained 
a royal decree creating them infants of Spain. *This only 
confirms us in the opinion wliicli their obnoxious and silly 
conduct has lonff since inspired us with, that tlioy arc in 
their second childhood. 

The Xcw York pajicrs speak of the quantity of base coins 
in circulation in that city. We defy them, however, to show 
half as many bad (s)cents there as we can in London. 

m a name 

At Rouen the workmen, having refused to work eleven 
hours a day, have struck, and arrested the profirress of the 
diffisrent orders in hand. In order to give a finish to the 
affiwr, we suppose the authorities have arrested the work- 


An immense crowd assembled on the 5th instant at 
Berlin, and burned with great ceremony a board on which 
was inscribed J* The laws of the Burger Guard of the 4th 
October, 1848," which are very unpopular. The guard was 
quickly called out, and several of the ringleaders captured 
and conveyed to prison. We should say that however dis- 
contented these mdividuals were with their board, they are 
at present much more dissatisfied with their lodging. 

Wherever politicians meet 

In circles low or high, 
" How selfish are the Whigs" is now 

The universal cry. 

But this, *t is plain, is CTOssly false ; 

For Lord John and nis crew 
Seem really io forget thermelves 

In eveiythiDg they do. 

A Man of Colour.— Mr. Cuffey, who is half a " nigger" 
and indignant at the severity of the law, sarcastically asks 
if he blushes for his bad actions, will not the authorities 
arrest him for indulging in a game at rouje et noir ? 

A Bad Foundation.— The Chartists, speaking of Powell, 
say that the only log the Government had to stand upon at 
the recent trials was a ** black-leg." 


I SAW him in his lonely room, 

A-pacing to and fro ; 
His step was hurried, and he paused 

From time to time in* woe. 

His face was buried in his hands. 

The tears fell thick and fast ; 
'* Oh ! from these tortured e3'es,** cried he, 

** Has peace for ever past ?" 

I shared his nain, the poignant words 
Seem'd bleeding from nis heart ; 

And so I tried with sympathy 
Some solace to impart. 

But ho exclaimed, " Oh I ne'er like me. 
May you ftel want or know ill : 

I've Hashed my face with yelloic soapy 
And cannot fnd the towel! " 


METAMORrnosis. — A gu-afie, some ostriches, and camels 
have arrived at the Surrey Zoological Gardens, as presents 
from Ibraham Pasha. They will be forthwith transformed 
into " metropohtan lions " for pubUc entertainment. 


Mb. Smitii O'Brien, to amuse himself, writes poetry. The 
following is a specimen published in the 2'imes : — 

" Whetlier on the i^allows high. 
Or in the battle's van. 
The only place for man to die 
Is where he dies for man." 

We give the last fragment of the composition of this 
gentleman, who is a poet among rebels antf a rebel among 
poets ; — 

* ' Whether on the rood called high. 
Or iu the prison van, 
The only time for man to fly 
Is when he flies from man." 

A notorious sponger who, cannibal-like, lives by dining 
on his acquaintances, suggests the following : — 

' ' Whether in the attic high, 
Or from the kitchen pan, 
The only place for me to dmo 
Is anywhere I can." 


One of the London papers (of which, from motives of 
respect, we will not give the name) lately published an anec- 
dote about " Liberty, Equality, and Fraternity." An anec- 
dote should always be true or interesting (to expect both, 
would perhaps be imreaaonable), but this was neither <Hie 
nor the other. It was intended to show that the oflicers of 
the French National Guard were so proud and so idiotic, 
that they would not remain in the same railway carriage 
with one of the privates ; but, as the oflEcers and privates 
belonff to the same class of society, the anecdote only shows 
that Uie writer of it is guilty of an absurdi^ and an untruth. 
Really, after suohabsuraities as the above, English journalists 
ought not to be too hard on the French for unaffining that 
our aristocracy sdl their wives, and rush out of weir casites 
to plunder the passers-by. 



We this week present our readers with a portrait of Miss 
Uartioeau in her Inteat impersooation — that of the Egjption 
Sphinx. The Sphinx mils a stronff-minded femnle — 30 is 
Miss MMtineau ; the Sphinx had a wide reputation — bo Iihb 
Miss Martineau ; the bphinx has been much criticised — bo 
has Hiss Martineau. 

The Sphinx'waa principally remarkable for asking 
eentlemen nddlea, and on their being unable tosnBwer them, 
aeTomiug them for lunch. We are not aware that Miss 
Martineau is addicted to conundrums or cannibalism ; but 
we may safelj eay that were she to devour all thoae who 
eonnot understand her hierogljpbical writing, she would 
have more work on her hands than elie iroud easily get 

In one respect Miss Martineau strongly reeonbles the 
Sphinx — she objects to over-population. Her prototype 
remedied the evil by eating the superfluity, as we have seen ; 
in the present degenerate age of the world, females use no 
weapon but the pen. 

CossciEKCB MosET.—Last week a contributor to the 
Man iit Ike Moon forwarded a bad 8ixi>ence to Mr. Mark 
Lemon as " conscience money." for a joke which he bad 
inadvertently takkn from the columns of Punoh. The amount 
baa been paid over as income tax for the past year due from 
the propnetors of the journal to the Government. 

Exhibition op a " Gehtlehen frou Loniwn." — About 
ten days since, a " gentleman from London," who hod seen 
Louis If apoleon in that city, arrived in Paris. We suppose, 
from what resulted, Uiat this gentleman was publicly ex- 
hibited to the journalists of Pans and tlie correspondents of 
our own papers : for, on the foUowing day, half the Paris 
editors and a tliird of the London reporters had seen the 
mysterious gentleman, and proclaimed the same in their 
respective columns. We can undei-stnud that, iu the presoit 
state of the French metropolis, a "gentleman from London" 
is a rarity, but we should have ininguied that he would hare 
been s^zed upon bjr tfao hotel-keepers rather than by the 
litUraUurt of that city. 


M. Thiers is pubbAing an essay, in the ContlUiUiomtM, j 
to prove that a man has a right to his own property. _ at 
admits that, previously to the existence of the Commnnists, 
there would nave been no more need for the proof than for 
one of the axiom that a straight line lies evenly between ite 
extreme points j although, in the present dav, it is mndi 
needed. We undersUnd that the bankers, hotd-keqera, 
and tradesmen generally, of the French metropolia, are 
about to select some of the principal truths contained in U. 
Thiers 's work, and to hang up the same in aconspicuoos 
part of their premises. The following have been already 
decided upon, and, what is more, will be acted upon in spite 
oftheproteetsof M. Prudhon: — ^. „, 

" Any deda selling an article of the value of five francs, has a 
right to the nuD of five fi^ncs in return. 

"Any person lendrring 
value one tnnc, baa a right ( 

" Every person, even if a CommoniBt, msy be c»Ued npon, >n 
strict accordanoB witb the hiws of Eocirtj, to pay for his dinner. 
JV.fl.— The above mle is also to apjrfj to the wine which may be 
cooBomed daring the said dinner. 

" Every person, Commanist, Socialist, ra' otherwiK, may be 
legally called upon to pay his tailor. 

' " IT uiy French nibject walk along the streets with a thoafimnd 
franca in his pocket, the said sum is not le^tlj the la t ip t riy of 
every person, CommmiLst, Sociolist, or otheiwiw, who may cboox 
to tue it from hhn." 

Poucui&N, G. TO, took his tea last Sunday evenin« with 
the ladies of the establishment in the kitchen of Mr. Bme^, 
the eminent barrister ; at tea, he took his deportoie, after 
taking a few innocent ^ibertiM with his fwi entertainers i he 
alto took the remnants of a gSiIet-pie. 

Miss Sarah Browm , whose mother occupiea a garret in a 
retired part of St. Gilee's, has lately been led to the hymeneal 
altar by R. Swipes, Ssq., of the same wdl-known house. 
The lovely bride was to have been given away by her 


. . NimblecUwB, but, as hia preeeoce 

spensably necessary at Brixton, where his services wen 

requued by GoTemmentr-in connexion, we believe, with 
the rotator;/ system — be was unavoidably prevented from 

We perceive that the Queen Dowager of the Two Sicilies 
has died lately — a practice which we are sure the aristocracy 
must conBider disgustingly vnlgar and common. The court 
are to go into mourning on the occasion, and for the next few 
weeks will therefore look more hideous than their atUre 
usnall V mokes them. We do not see why mourning, bowerer, 
shoula be confined to thecourt. ThepEwi carejnst asmuch, 
we are sure, for the demise of the ro|ral ladv as the " higher 
ordere." The Showman therefore directs that the following 
mourning shall be worn by the people: — 

The wosberwomeh to wear seedy crape, and when takintr 
their ^in to eay, " La, poor old lady, who 'd a thought it ! 

their mourning, to be deep. 

John Stiggles, whose eyehas been black for some period, 
is requested to keen it in the same condition. 

The courts and alleys will go out of mourning on the 

Our 'fi'iend the Ohiercer keeps up his reputation this 
week for absurdity. He tells us that a juiT in Liverpool, 
in a case wheio two pwsons were discoverea dead in thar 
beds, brought iu a verdict of "found drouned." Was the 
eilitor on tlie jury in this case, or is it a libel merdv on 
them f If the jury did bring in fucA a verdict, one uiing 
wo ore assured of, they must be subscribers to the ObMrrer, 




Chapter VI. — The Pilot is invited to take part in 

A Water Party. 
Half an hour after the CTcnts recorded in our last chapter, 
Mr. Augustus Pliilips, clad in a complete 5uit of Mr. Bag- 
ster*s clothes, which the latter had insisted ho should put on, 
while his own were drying down stairs, was seated discuss- 
ing the promised chop ami sundry topics of hy-^one days. 

" It s an ill wind that blows nobodjr good,'* said Mr. 
Bagster, after the cloth was removed ; ** if it had not been 
for your involuntary immersion, we should not have en- 
gaged the pleasure of your companv as we are now doing.'' 

" Certainly not," replied ^Ir. Philips ; ** that is to sa}' — 
I mean — really I — the pleasure is all on my side." 

It woiUd be impossible to enumerate half the blunders 
and mistakes which Mr. Augustus Philips committed on 
that evenful afternoon. They were certainly sutiicieut to 
have rendered him ridiculous a hundred times over in tho 
eves of his former playmate Harriet ; but, strange to siiy, 
tuey aj^peared to produce on her quite a contrary elfcct. 

** Why, papa," said tlie young lady, looking at her 
watch, " 1 declare it 'a six o'clock. How quickly the time 
has flo^vn." 

" 1 am sure — I ought to feel highly flattered at — at — 
that l)eing the case," said Mr. Augustua. 

"Why?" asked Harriet. 

** Because," stammered out Mr. Augustus in retimi — 

"because — 1 — I ought to ". lie meant to have said, 

** Because he ou^ht to esteem it as a compliment to him- 
self;" but, somehow or other, the words stopt short in his 
throat, while he tried to hide his confusion by helping himself 
to another glass of wino, looking all the time he was drinkini^ 
at the bottom of the glass, as if he e-\pecteil to find a stock 
of confidence there. 

At six o'clock, Harriet left them to spend the evening and 
next day with an old school- fellow at Fulbam. On her uepar- 
ture, heV father observed, that, instead of stopping thei-e, it 
would be much pi*eferable if they took a cab, and went down 
to Mr. Augustus's chambers, as he should very much like 
to see them, and renew his acquaintance with the Pilot, 
whom he had known as a little child. 

It was vain that Mr. Augustus raised objections. The 
old gentleman good-humouredly insisted, and half an hour 
later they were in tlie Temple. After an amicable discus- 
sion who should pay the driver, which ended in Mr. Bag- 
ster 's doing so, andMr. Augustus Philips's returning to his 
pocket an old washing bill wliieh he had taken thence, and 
remarking something about "havinff nothing less about 
him than a cheque for twenty noimds, both parties moimted 
the three flights of stairs whicm conducted to Mr. Philips's 

On knockinff, the door was opened by an individual with 
a short and veryblack-looking pipe in the comer of his mouth. 
This person was no other than the Pilot himself, whom 
Augustus immediately introdueed to Mr. Bagster. 

** Who could believe it possible." said that gentleman, 
after a little ; ** it makes oae look old. Why, I can recollect 
the time when you were just able to clamber up to my 

** Which was, of course^ my ms plus ultra /^ said the 

** Quite proiessionaly you see," said Mr. Augustus, with 
a reproving glance at his brother and pointing to tho books 
which were lying about the apartment, while he pulled down 
the window to let out the tobacco smoke ; *' and so quiet." 

At this part of his dbcourse, lie was interrupted by 
the following curious production, which proceeded irom the 
adjoining chambea: — 

" And cried, ' &ir, you *ve taken too much by a cop, 
And so 'fore the magistrate you must come up.* 
Said Joe, as he fetched him a erode on the crown, 
* You mean, mj deor Peeler, that you must go down.' 
Smging down, down, down derry down." 

*' Some acquaintances of my brother's," said Mr. 
Augustus, rather onnoj^ed. 

•* To whom," continued the Pilot, in spite of all the 
winks and hints Augustus was giving him, " I shall be 
delighted to introduce you. They are particular friends of 

mine : by name Probe and Splint — by nature the most 
conscientious fellows I know. Indeed, so impressed are 
they with the dignity and respectabihty of the profession 
they have embraced, that they have determined on sowing 
all their wildcats before obtaming their diploma; and an 
uncommon amount of labour they have consequently got to 
perform." With this remark he led the way into the next 

** Gentlemen," said the Pilot, " allow me to introduce to 
you the friend of my infancy ; Mr. Bagster— Messrs. Probe 
and Splint. Messrs. Probe and Splint— Mr. Bag:ster." 
Alcssrs. Prol)e and Lint said they were most honoured, and 
Mr. Bagster, having bowed in the direction where he supposed 
the two gentleman were seated, but which the tobacco smoke 
would not allow him to swear to, and coughed out, ** Great 
— pleasure — 1 — am — sure — highly delighted — " took advan- 
tage of tumblini^ over a chair, to stop tiiei*e. 

In a little time tho whole party got to be on very friendly 
terms. The old gentleman found Messrs. Splint and Prolie 
to be ver}' agreeable fellows ; they did not speak rnuch, it is 
tnie, but then they drank all the more, and the Pilot made 
up for any deficiency that might otberwise have existed in 
the conversational department* To uso his own expressions 
— ** Having sulimitted Mr. Bagster to a severe examination, 
he found hira to bo a brick of the ywy hardest possible 
matei'ial," and then proceeded, in spite of all his brother 
could do to the contrary, to state that, in consequence of his 
frolic at Kams'^ate, his brother iras drained ; but that a 
friend to whom Tie had applied, had, greatly to their surprise, 
not as referring to the will, but to the ability, lent them ten 
pounds ; that there was no liann in being in difficulties — on 
the contrary, they served to sharpen and excite the intellectual 
powers ; as a proof of which he begged to relate how he had 
put oif his brother's bootmaker that very day. 

** I knew," sai<l he, "that the tradesman in question 
had called on my brother in the morning, and intended 
doing Fo again in the afternoon. I also knew that it was 
more than probable that my brother — for such is his 
nervousness — would hardly be able to meet the bii>ed himself, 
much less his demands. Now, there is a certain Lord 
Semtehcraigie, a Scottish nobleman, who subscribes twen^ 
poimds a-year to that excellent charity, the hospital to whicn 
I have the honour of belonging, and benevolently sends all 
his servants when they are ill ; by which process he gains 
a considerable annual profit, and. shows to what extent he 
venerates the soft and gentle virtue of charity — when it begins 
at home. This mommg I saw one of his footmen, whom I 
had been attending for some time past. I gave the fellow a 
couple of shillings, and my instructions ; the result of which 
was that the obnoxious creditor had only just made his 
appearance within these time- honoured precincts, when a 
knock was heard at tho door, and my friend of the yellow 
plush came in with an invitation from tho Earl of Scratch- 
craigie, requesting * tho honour of Mr. Augustus PhilUps's 
company to dinner on Wednesday next' — an honour," con- 
tinued the Pilot, looking very knowingly at Mr. Bagster, 
" which I was reluctantly obliged to declme, as I knew my 
brother was ragaged for that day with the Dowager Mar- 
chioness of Fitz- Filbert. It 's very strange," said the Pilot, 
in conclusion, *' how this altered the state of things ; scarcely 
had the maiestic calves of the more or less {tampered menial 
disappeared, than the bootmaker suddenly recollected that, 
if it w«« not quite convenient for Augustus to settle the 
account then, he could wait till next Christmas, as he had 
unexnectedly received money from other quarters, and that 
he should only be too happy to execute any orders we 
might choose to honoiu* him with ; and, as I like to diflnse 
content as far as it lies in my humble power, I immediatelj 
allowed him to take my measure for two pairs of boots.*' 

The tone now became most familiar, and Mr. Bagster was 
so delij^hted with his new acquaintances, that he gave them 
all an invite to a water party and picnic, for that day three 
wedu» provided they would promise to pull. 

This was agreed to, iMm. con.; and the Pilot observing, 
as he drank }Ar. Bagster's health, that they would imme- 
diately prove they were good hands at a long pull, a stroi^ 
pidl, and a pull altog^ier, each gentleman emptied his 
particular tumbler, tuming^ it upside down, and letting one 
drop drain out upon his thumVnail in proof that he had 
done so. 



Whether it was owing to the heat of the room, or to the 
ezotteDoeat of epeaking, we know not, but certain it is that 
Messrs. Probe and Splint and likewise Mr. Bagster were 
rather unsteady in their gait, and unsettled in their ideas 
when they left, and that, on two cabs bein^ called, Mr. 
Splint got into that in which was Mr. Bagster mstead of the 
one tenanted by Mr. Probe, the consequence of which was 
that. Mr. Bagster found himself on awning next morning 
in a smdl truckle bedstead in a three-pair back in Titchfield 
Street, while Mr. Probe first saw the rays of li^ht in a cell 
of tlie station-house, having been conveyed thither on his 
obstbate refusal to Hiove from the door-step of Mr. Bagster*s 
lodgings in St. James's Street, where the cab had set him 



About a fortnight since an action was brought agcdnst the 
asserted proprietor of a low gaming house. 

The principal witness swore nard and fast that the 
defendant was the proprietor, and no evidence was called to 
prove the reverse. It, however, appeared that the witness 
nad been many years a notorious gambler, and his testimony 
was therefore not credited. 

About the same time some stupid, and certainly criminal, 
Chartists were tried for an offonce, in which the Government 
prosecuted. The nrincipal witness, as in the other case 
which we have cited, was a blackleg ; but a blacker black- 
leg than the other— one who had been paid so much per day 
for hdpin^ to cheat the Epsom greenhorns at thimble-ngKing. 
He was also a spv, and nad many other worse points about 
him than ^e other blackleg. He was a more thorough 
scoundrel, and one probably of lonfi;er standing ; for when 
blackleg No. 1 was insulted by Mr. Clarkson, he became 
excited, and called the learned counsel ugly names ; whereas 
blackleg No. 2 openly acknowledged the possession of more 
meanness and villany than usually falls to the lot of half-a- 
dozen men. 

In spite of the above circumstances, the evidence of No. 1 
was not received — ^which was quite right ; whereas the testi- 
mony of No. 2 was sufficient to get men transported for life 
— ^which, in oiu* opinion, was something worse than wrong. 

The National Assembly and us Two Chambers. — 
The French representatives have latelv had a tremendous 
^Uscussion as to whether the Naticmal Assembly should con- 
sist of two chambers or only one. We propose that it should 
consist of two— a sitting-room and a bed-room ; the former 
for the representatives who speak, the latter for those who 
aie compelled to listen. 


A pabagbaph lately appeared in the United Service Gazette 
(and was copied into several oUier joumab, the editors of 
which are generally believed to be sensible men), to the effect 
that when the National Guards lately paid a visit to the 
Tower, some ." true-bom Englishman was polite enough to 
call their attention to certain guns which had oeen taken from 
the French at the battle of Vittoria. The National Guards 
assmied the man, who had so civilly undertaken to point out 
the curiosities of the place, that they, on their side, had taken 
some guns from the English, which were to be seen in Paris. 
The urbane guide, whose knowledge of English history was 
derived from those " abridgments ** in which the disagreeable 
part alone is abridged (and which continiudly state mat *' a 
bloody battle ensu^, in which the English were victorious''), 
informed his visitors that the guns which the French had 
taken from the English had been previously spiked ; when, 
instead of contradicting the assertion, the National Guards 
are said to have walked off, muttering oaths, which were 
evidently invented eicpressly for the occasion by the editor. 

^ Does the editor of^the United Service Gazette know any- 
thing about military matters ? and if so, does he not know 
that the English would not have been fighting for seven 
years in the peninsula if they had never met with any reverses, 
and had never lost a single gun ? Does he know anything 
about military history ? and if so, does he not know that 

the Buglidh did lose a great many guns in the peninsula? 
We suppose the editor belongs to in&t nearly absolete class 
of persons who believe that an Englishman of nine stone and 
no muscular powers can beat ten Frenchmen each of great 
strength and size. Some clue to the mental capacity of the 
gentleman may be formed from the fact of his stating, with 
the greatest gravity, that the unexpected arrival of these 
National Guards m London proves how easily England 
might be invaded ! Of course, then, he believes that m the 
event of a contemplated invasion one of the Folkestone 
steamers would be placed at the disposition of the enemy, 
that they would be received with courtesy and invited to 
breakfast by English authorities, and that they would be 
conveyed without expense to London by the South-Eaatem 
Railwajf Company, as was the case with the peaceable inva- 
ders of ^ea dfays since. Who is the proprietor of the 
United Service Gazette, and why does he not get a sensible 
man toedit it? 


" Mysteries of the Court ofLondon^^ by G. W. M. Reynolds. 

Our readers are, of course, aware, throagh the medium of the 
papers, what punislmient Mr. Reynolds has brought on himself bj 
the latest of his bankruptcies. Ihev have now to learn that he is 
amending his position as an uncertincated bankrupt, by turning a 
literary pander. 

In his Mysteries the heroes are profligates, and the heroines 
procuresses ; the scene is laid in the haunts of iniquity ; the dialogue 
IS indecent ; the descriptions are disgusting ; the plot vile, and the 
effect pernicious. 

Reynolds thinks himself safe, from the mere fact that a journal 
can scarcely mention him, for fear of sharins^ in hb ignominy. Bat 
we shall brave that — ^though with caution— lor the sake of society. 

Therefore we say : — 

To the Society for the Suppression of Vice. What are your 
officiids about ? 

To the conunon informer. Here is a cliancc for you to make 

To respectable people. If you find the pestilent production in 
your houses, put it in the fire, taking care to use the tongs for the 
purpose, for fear of pollution. 

A triennial bankrupt iinures oommerce; a venal agitalor 
imperils the constitution ; a literary pander endangers the morals 
of the land. What then should be done to a combination of the 
three— to a Cerberus with three such heads, howling at the portals 
of the constitution ; to an object that can be denominated nothing 
but "three precious scoundrels rolled into one,'* to imitate the 
saying of a very different person — George Colman ? 

We look anxiously in the police reports for an answer to oar 


There is a paragraph now goin^ the romid of the papers, 
in which the foUowing astounding piece of miormation 
appears : — 

"In all cases a Frenchman can mortgage the whole of his 
fortune, and spend all he has during his lifo." 

Now this assertion is, ''in all cases," either absurd or 
untrue. If the writer (luckily for hnn we forget his name) 
means to say that a Frenchman's property is always so 
small that he is sure to spend it before his death, and leave 
nothing to his heirs, he is stating an untruth. If he only 
wishes to assert that a Frenchman is allowed by law to 
spend as much money as he possesses, and even to get over 
head and ears in debt afterwards, if his credit be good 
enough, he is stating what every one but himself knew long 
ago. Nor is this privilege peculiar to Frenchmen. If the 
writer of the present article choose to receive his wedtly 
sidary in bank notes, and to amuse himself by making 
enormous bonfires of them, not even his tailor dare step in 
to prevent him. 

Rotatory Pauuament.— We don't think there 's any 
chance of oiu* haviuj^ a rotatory or turn-about Parliament ; 
for Parliaments, it is well known, '* toil not, neither do they 


Now iLat tlie public gardens are closed, every one is desirous 
of finding out ivhat haa becoma of the iraiUrs, the Ethiopians 
and otlier serenaders, the mnsicians, and erery body and every- 
thing connected with the above popular placee of amusem nt. 

Vauxhall is closed. The shade of Simp- 
son haunts the dark walks ; but Hen- Rcdl, 
at the head of hia band, has boldly invaded 
Leicester Square, where many of his mn- 
Ncians have much distinguished themselves 
ae perfect masters of attack. The Ethio- 
pians have 
t washed th«r 

faces, and ore 
A resting^ their 

^ ^^ bones in some 

obscure comer 

of the wetro- ^ 

polis. The 

n pourin 

. 80 dexterotw , 

out lanonade, are safe at home, 

practising with water." The 

eJuf d» euititu, of unrivalled ro- 

C' ition for " cutting it thin," 
been engaged at a ham and 
beef shop, where he is expected 
to make a pound and a half go 
as far as two pounds and a 
quarter. Eveu the M. C, with 
his accustomed urbanity, has cut his stick. 

What has become of 
Juba we are unable to say, 
but it is rumoured that he 
is endeavouring to pass 
bimsdf off as a lineal de- 
scendant of the Juba of 
Addison's Cato. If so, all 
we can say to him is, that ^ 
a lash awaits him, 

Laurent has moved from 
Cremome to the Casino, "■' *■■' "■■'- 

hisioumey from one place to the other bung facetiously 

qoarters at Drury Lane ; in other wwds, he has onlr left 
a suburban menagerie to patronize one (for such it has Men] 
in the heart of tiie metropi^is. 


Host of the principal IheatrcB ors once more open to Ibe palilio — 
■nd the critjcism of the Showuan. The Lycenm, PriDccsa'i, 
Adelphi, and B&dler's Wella, besides a host of others, ore olreaity, 
to use an apiiroprtate plinuc in full play, and ere this artjcte shall 
have rejoiced the li*«rU of aarnirinj; Ihonsondj, the Ilnjnuirket uid 
Covent Garden vill be added to the list. 

The ofi^ing of porenti in middle life now bej^n to remind 
their beloved profjenilors of rasli promiBes made to take tiiem to 
see Etrley or SIiss FLtiwilllnm : and on the day Enally fined Jbr 
thi^ viut, can eat no dinner, onil co through the form of sodding 
their throats with hot tea us early as 4 r.u., in order that they 
" may be in time. " Cabmen bi^in to look lively at the improved 
state of affsin : the vendors of apples, oran^s, vxi biscuits man- 
tun what, Irom the indif^estible nnliire of their Tares, the Suow- 
UAM feels obliged to entitle an I'nsanntory cgrdoi, lor a quarter of a 
mile all round the theatre — Mils of the play are nnceremonioasly 
thrust htte the windoirs of every carrioge wbieh can jxtssihly he 
sappowd le be wending its iray to the same place — thither hurry 
love-uck swains, fljinj; to sec their mittresses; husbands endea- 

fbrsaking, fbr a moment, the rail, to turn iur amusement and 
laiation to the stnf;e. 

BeG}re Uailmiie Vcstris commenced her first cnmpnien, msny 
individuals, very learned in such natters, j^ve it as their opinion 
Uiat the market was over-stocked — that there nas no room for (lie 
Lycenm. Should lost season have failed to coiivinec (hem of their 
error, this one will oertnmly open their r_vrn. Never wan there a 
better opening tar a theatre tlun (hnt of the Lyceum. Long be- 

fore the rising oT the cnrtwn, the hoose 
aldennan afW a dinner at the Uansion Hoose, and the money- 
takers were as pestered with applicalJraiB ibr plaoea as a First Lord 
of the Treasury, or a Director of the India House; not one of which 
said applications, five minutes after the doors were thrown open, 
but was as unsoocesafiil as would be that of Hotloway's Omtment 
to the core of short-sighlcdneas — a disease with which the patrons 
of this precious unguent appear to be the marc afflicted the more 
tbey use iL 

The pieces selected were Mr. Shirley Brooke's clever trifle of 
Amglkbig for a Changt, and Ur. Flancht's Omrl BeatOti. the 
besaties of which are manifold, and not confined 10 those (kit re- 
presentations of the Merry Honirch's fhul favourites, who, to 
judge from them as they appeared as piotores at the end of the 

iiieee, were certainly framed la enchant all beholders. The Critie 
allowed, and aflbrded a ccmvincing proof that of all the pvfCt the 
Lyceum can enjoy, that of Mr. C. Mathews is likely to be of the 
grealest service to it. Before Sheridan's ri^-fanrt, however, 
Uie National Anthem was givm ; Madame Vestris sin^ng the 
last verse in such a manner that she was called on to repeat it, 
■nd at its conclusion also called on — to the foot-lights, and the Sbow- 
ksk'S great satiafactlon — in order to receive the hearty and con- 
tinued piaodils of the audience. This must have convinced her 
that she is still the same favmrite she ever was, and is the best 
enrneft of her soccess in the theatrical (^ame ofhoxard she is en- 

ming way, it is impossi- 

^.^ , fbr while she plays in suoli a 

ble she should lose. 

At the Princess's the note — or rather, since Mr. Maddoi com- 
menced with opera the notes — of preparation have been beard toe 
some time past. 'This magnificent little (heatre opens with a fresh 
lustre — in the shape of a new chandelier : besides which, the whole 
of the interior, like the Gtirdri ilebiltt nha distinguished them- 
selves in (he tBtir of June, has been newly decorated. 

The company— ft hicb is not ouly the apple but the TCtyeorps 
of Mr. tladdox's eye— is sti-ong. including as it docs Miss Poole and 
Mr. Weiss, not foivetting a fair lUbKlaiUt from the TiiitTt it la 
NaiioB at Paris. Iladcmoiselle Bossi, Mr Mademmselle Nan of 
the same estabiisbmeot. 

A yoonv lady of the n*me of Julia Harlond has made her first 
appeaTaneeherc in /.neiarfl LaiiiiKmMr. Ifsbeonlyalwsnperlann 
— or ratW sing — half as well as she promises, she will prove a 
valuable acnisition. At thu fall of the curtain she was oh%ed to 
advance la the front of (he stage amid a shower of aj^Unse ; and 
■ltbaiu[h the Showman generally sKrees with the maxim — "- 
JUti fiimll, especially as referring to old ladies of sixty with 

culorly juvenile hair, in this cose li '■'-"- 

tum — and the Princess's at the som 
quickly as possible to the Addphi. 

Touching this popular place of amusement, so much has already 
been said by the gentlemen oftlie press who "do" the descriptive 
about "the decorations by Mr. Sang," and " Ibe design of Digfar 
Wvat, Esq. (aicbitectX" and "the new act-drop bv Messrs. Pitt Bid 
Jobnslone," thtt the Showvar contents himseu with olwrvinz, 
that althoogh, smce (ha snbstitation of the new dome for the aH 
ceiling, tlie house is necessarily a doomed one, be woold not mind 
tskinjr on himself the conduct oT the establishment^ and tag»png 
ta find bread and chese ont of the pn^ls. Giperieoce has shown 
that as loiuF as servant maids take an interest in in^Dred innoceooe 
and Miss Woolgar, and fkst gentlemen in Mr. Wright and bcoaj 
hiimoor, the Adelphi will be nill, although every other theatre in 
Ixmdon be the reverie. By the way. tflking of Mr. Wright, the 
Showman was lately gr^'ed to hear that Ibis gentleman had been 
caught (ripping ; the biiowuan was, however, nmoh relieved oa 
discuvering— from oil the papers — that this merely relesTed to a 
pleasure trip Mr. Wright was at ^sent making, and that his 
moral character was not in the least aSected. 

sixty with paiti- 
hls general cus- 


Ctest novelty of the senion, however, has been the bet 
e at the Strand I'hcaire ; but, eitraordinary as this is, 
people will cease to wonder at it, when they learn that it was on the 
occasion of Henry Bussell's giving bis popular en(ertaiDment, of 
which llie mora prominent points were two songs (hat (irst appeared 
in the columns of the PuprBT-SnOW, Thi Warld h an Iht Stvrt, 
ondnirr't Aosn mughforAH — which htst was certainly not tme 
on the evenings of Mr. Russfll's performance*. 

The SnowMAB bad at first resolved on making a tonr to Sad"- 
Wa Wells and the Marylebonc, and hod in consequence already 
packed up his portmanteaus and carpet IiofS, and taken leave of his 
nitmerouB Iriends Ibr some lime, «1iena matter of importanoe htom 
which required bis presence in (own on the next day bat ooe. 
This of iMurse rendered it impassiLlu fi>r htm to carry out bis plan; 
he therefore ordered— that is, lie gave tickets to — one of hts con- 
tributors to visit the two eBlnhlislmicnIs in question. If the Rentier 
>f bis abservatinns sfaall be 

n enough, (he result o 

world i 

tiic II 

t number of the PL'ppbt- 

CnARTiST Co-vviCTiONS— That they are in the wrong box 





SioNOR Squallinalto and Mr. Reubens Smith werc two 
great artists, but unfortunately their genius was uuai)pre- 
ciated. Conse(jucntlv they were poor, ana, not having ** tick" 
with a tailor, lilclaa. 

The two artists resembled each other in many points. 
Squall inal to could boast of a voice superior to that of Mario 
— at all events he did so on every possible occasion — and yet 
was prevented (by a base plot) from singing at either of the 
Italian Theatres. Reubens Smith, on the other hand, was 
the victim of a nefarious conspiracy, which aimed at 
obstructing the sale of his pictures (of which the merit 
was undoubted— by himself) for their full value. He 
had been offered two hundred pounds (at least, ho said so) 
for his grand historical painting of " Lot's Wife turned into 
a Pillar of Salt ;*' but that was only half its value, and he 
accordingly declared that he would see it hung in the Octagon 
Room first. 

These gentlemen also resembled each other in personal 
appearance, which, by-the-bye, is not complimentary to 
eitoer of them ; they were about the same height, and were 
just as broad in proportion as they were long. They were 
not known to each other, or Squallinalto would often have 
envied the appearance of Reubens Smith when he had pur- 
chased a new smoking cap, which, although it might nave 
fitted the latter, he would nevertheless have been unable to 
wear ; and, on the other hand, when the fortune of each had 
changed, Smith would often have desired to step into Squal- 
linalto 's shoes. 

I have before said that the two artists were poor, and 
could not get ** tick " with a respectable tailor. This fact 
beinff fully impressed on the reader's mind, he will probably 
paroon the vulgarity, and commiserate the misfortune of 
these unfortunate men, who, possessing originality of thought 
and the most novel ideas, were nevertheless forced to take 
their clothes at second hand. They patronised the same 

gentleman (he was of the Hebrew persuasion); and not only 
^ id they pjurchase theur fforments of him, but ako sometimes 
induced him to become nimself a buyer, for when in great 
want they would sacrifice appearance to hunger, find would 
despoil tneir backs to sUppoi't their stomachs. 

But the wise dispensations of Provid^eice would ii^t allow 
the two artists to be poor at the same time ; it would have 
been too much misery for our globe. Accordingly, when one 
was sinking in the scale of humanity and selhng his raiment 
to procure a mess of pottage, Uie other was ascending and 
was probably purchasing wherewith to decorate his outer 
man. By this process it so happened that Squallinalto 
would freauently obtain a coat, a hat, or a pair of pantaloons 
which had been just relinquished by Smith, in a moment of 
extreme poverty ; while Smith woiild, when in comparative 
affluence, possess himself of garments " late the property of 
Signer Squallinalto." 

In the month of January last I saw Smith in a shooting- 
coat, a pair of leather breeches, and a wide-awake hat (so 
called, as a distinguished writer in the Puppet-Show has 
observed, because it never has any *' nap "). I was fortunate 
enough to meet Squallinalto about the same period ; he wore 
a pMetot^ plaid tronsers, and a Gibus hat. Last week I 
Mrain met the two artists, and on the same day ; this time 
S^iallinalto wore the shootmg-coat, leather breeches, and 
wide-awake, while Smith snorted the paletot, the plaid, and 
the Gibus, which by this tmae had got considerably out of 
the perpendicular, tne side presentmg a gradient of about 
one m tour. 

By degrees these gentlemen had changed costumes, and 
without knowinff it. In the true spirit of a benefact(»r I 
determined to emighten them. I accordingly arranged an 
appointment, and upon their arrivid introduces Smith, dressed 
d la SquaUinalto, to Squallinalto, dressed d la Smith, Of 
course they were mutually astonished, but their feelings 
having subsided, I addressed them as follows : — 

'* My dear friends and respected arUsts, 

'* 1 have arranged this meeting not with a view to cause 
y;on any discomfiture, but in order to show you how, by a 
simple process, you may manage your joint wardrobe at far 
less cost than it has put you to during the past nine months 
(Applatae), Hare you, Mr. Smith, ever obtained what you 

considered the fair value for your clothes {crus of *No, no '); 
and have you not, Signor Squallinalto, always paid more — 
far more — for the garments previously sold by Mr. Smith 
than ho had obtain^ for them, and even than their actual 
value {Hear, hear). The fact is, the Jew has been living on 
the vitals of you two great artists {sensatio7i). When either 
of you bought, when either of you sold, the Hebrew pocketed 
an enormous profit ; that profit let him no more obtain 
(cheers, and cries of' * We wont, we wont '). You, Mr. 
Smith, when necessity compels you to sell, go straightway 
to Signor Squallinalto, ana make your bargain ; and you, 
Signor Squallinalto, wlien atHuence invites vou to buy, pur- 
chase of Mr. Reubens Smith (loud cheers,)' 

Since making tlie above speech I have discovered that 
the Israelite has heard of my mterference between him and 
his customers. Ho threatens revenge, and I therefore 
remain at home, and have hung a leg of pork outside the 
portal, in hopes that it will act as a charm to keep him 

Ministerial Rdmour. — A rumour was prevalent yester- 
day in the Clubs that Lord John Russell had resigned. On 
inouiry, we ascertained that the report had unfortunately 
only had its origin in the fact that he had again signed the 
receipt for his s^ary. 


The Showman has just received the following letter, which 
he begs to submit to the attention of the proper authorities. 
To use a conmion phrase of penny-a-liners, when at a loss 
what to say, the Showman will merely observe, that com- 
ment is unnecessary : — 

" Cork, OeL 7, 1848. 

" SiR,^I write to you in a state of great excitement — by which 
I do not allude to the unfortunate country I am at present residing 
in, but to my own personal condition. 

" I have been insulted, ill-treated, outraged, robbed : but 
listen to my tale, and tell ihe whether I have not cause to complain. 

** I came over here some little Ume affo, with the intention of 
proposing to a most amiable and beautifmyonii^ lady, possessed of 
one of the finest estates in the county. Thuigs had gone on 
swimmingly, and I meant to pop the question uiis verr evenioe 

when I became the victim of the leUewing savage and ^but wor£ 

are too weak to express my feelings : let me be calm. 

" I had driven out in the companv of my intended and a mutual 
fi'iendof the name of 0* Donovan, when we were suddenly stopped 
by a party of police, who were prowling about after certain insur- 
gents that are said to be concealed in these parts. Well, sir, after 
asking me mv name, address, proi^ion, ana every other particular 
they could thhik of, they told me first to stand up, then to sit 
down, then to stand up again, and then to turn round (in the pre- 
sence of a lady too !), finishing by an order for me to alight 
fir(Hn the carnage. 

'' They now proceeded to ransack my pockets, inquiring, with 
doffoed p^inacit^, who the 0' Donovan was to whom I referred in 
such a disparagmg manner in a hidf-finished letter whi^ they 
had found. The fact was, in writing to another friend, I had used 
one or two rathv strong terms — bat quite in a friendly way— of 
O'Donovan. However that may be, I shall most likely have to 
fight him. 

But thifl^ sir, was not all : this I miffht have submitted to, 
but how can I depict to jou my feelings mien, after all this, they 
added the crowning indignity of actually pulling my whiskers to 
see if they were ftdse— which they are not — ami tagging at my 
hair, which is ; the consequence beinff that the inspector soon 
had in his hands property of mine— in the shape of one of Brown's 
best wigs — to the amount of £6, whUe I stooo, in the full sight of 
my intended, a bare-headed object cf ridicule and contempt, ex- 
posed to all ^e ^bes and Jeers of a ruffianly population, and not 
less ruffianly police. 

"Now, sir, as it is perfectly impossible I can ever look the 
lady in the face again, I have lost thirty thousand pounds at 
leasts the value of her estates, besides having to stand tne chance 
of being shot by O'Dono^'an. Is this to be borne ? Are property 
and life to be made thus light of ? are thev thus to be sacrifice to 
Whig measures and Whig officials ? And if I were to commence 
an action against Lord Clarendon for the loss I have sustained, 
should I have any chance of gaining damages? I pause for a 

I remain, sir, 

Tour obedient servant, 
A Much Injurkd Kan, 



WERY one remembers Ae 

t nnfu) miiucal row vfLicb 

took place on the commence- 

niont of a Beeond Ittlitui 

Opera, and how the genera) 

public iiftenvards to^ part 

I iff it ; and how one pirtj 

said Uiat Lumley would 

prosper on account of thf 

Buperioi'itj of the aituation 

of nU theatre, and the other 

that Bcalo would Bucceed 

owin^ to the erealcr merit of 

hia amgcra. London isuow, 

we gi'ieve to say, threatened 

with an evil of a similar nature, and wluch is likely to be 

attended with worse efiecta, inasmuch oa the persona taking 

[lart in it are more unprincipled. We aUude to the eatab- 
ishment of a Casino in Leicester Square — w]iich may appear 
nothing in itself, but which thrcatenB to be produetiTe of 
diBturbance, and even of uncivil war. 

_ The opponents of the Wnlhalla say that it ia " on the 
brink of a precipice," by which they mean that a person 
coming out of it hna a dbaQce of tumMing down a flight of 
Bfone etepa into Leicester Square. The enemies of Laurent's 
maintain, on the other hand, that dancing is unnatural at a 
place formerly devoted to the purauit of science, and finish 
with a false quotation to the effect dial " Melancholy has 
marked it for hei 

It has been auj^gesfod that there is aomotbinf; vulgar in 
the name " Adelaide OalUry," as the latter word is ev^ntly 
intended to give a hmt as to the number of " gals" that fre- 
quent it : while Wallialla ia erroneously objected to as the 
natne_ of a place eiclusively devoted to the exhibition of 

B eiclusively i 

' suggesting that tbe habitttiet a: 

" painted 

. . ■ pi' 

paintings, and 
up to the eyes. 

Then again, a question has been rused as to tbe efScacy 
of the police at such places of entertainment. The Laurent- 
ians maintain that the presence of the civil force, although 
not absolutely required by any improper conduct on the part 
of the frequenters, is nevertleleBS salutary, as tending to 
show the desire of the proprietors to keep order; at the some 
time, they assert that the monagement of the Walhalln proves 
itself heedlosa of the public morals, by not insuring the pre- 
sence of a certain number of constables, instead of relying 
entirely on tbe Idton of the conductor. The other party 
in»Bt that the absence of policemen proves the presence of 
well-behaved persons: in fact, as ia the case with statistics 
and Foi-liamentary returns, the facts are made to tell in two 
opposite ways. 

In the meantime, each party is maintaining a formidable 
opposition againat the other. Laurent, who has the best 
coniet — and the best comet-plsyer, too — in London, is about 
to issue a placard bearing the words 


to which the rival conductor will feebly respond with 
The Walhalla will tempt the public with 

and the counter demonstration to this will probably be 
The Laurentians, moreover, rely upon the fact of bring 
provided with a larger number of Masters of the Ceremonies 
tlian tiieir oppooenta; while the latter pret^id that their 
M. C.'s are of more utility, on account of the long wands 
which they carry. 

As Plain as a PiifBSTAFF. — An unfintaDota friend 
writes to inform us of his having ombariced in an under- 
taking to which Ijord Brougham has promised to lend his ' 
countenance. We ore sorry to hear it, as mattsrs ^tut 
necessarily put on a very bad face. 

A Narrow Escape. — We read in the Ofoft*— and we 
shudder as wc do so— that "The pork for naval use this year 
will be made up entirely in Ireland. No American will be 
taken into conaiunptiou." By the latter fact's being so 
eiplicitly annouoccd, it Dnpears. tlicn, that there was some 
doubt on the subject. How horrid ! what a terrible fate 
had nearly befallen ilie poor Yankees who may happen to ba 
over herel Fancy leaving some friend from New Yoi^ or 
Boston in good health anatlie Haymarket, and 
the next time in a pork-i>ie ! 

Touy writers are very fond of talking about tbe bloodthirsty 
ness of republics, ana of saying, hi the sake of an illustra- 
tioD, that they devour their own children, iic. We have 
lately had some fine instancos of tlie savage francity of tha 
French Republic, as contrasted with the dignitied mildness 
(for it ia generally believed that there ia dignity iu merer) 
of our own Government. 

1. The first act of the French Republic was 'to abolisli 
the punishment of death . 

Mr. Ewart's annual motion in tlie House of Commons 
for a similar purpose, is always " negatived by a large 

2. Tbe French Republic convicted the actual nbels of 
June by tbe evidence of honest men. 

The English Govei'nmout led Cufey and his miaerahle 
associates into a plot, and then convicted, them only by 
means of a spy and a blackleg. 

3. The French Republic punished those who had been in 

onus against it with six or eight years in the goU^s, and 
some of the worst offenders, who had comnutted soda! 
crimes of magnitude, to imprisonment for life, 

TheBngEah Government sentenced the miseraUe fools 
who had been deluded, urged on, and betrayed bg that 
Government, to transportation for lifts. 


Q. What is Catholic Emandpation? 

A. A Popish parasite prosecuting a Protestant patriot ! 

No' Doubt of it.— Mr. Widdieombe wishes to know, if 
the Duke of Norfolk were thrown from his saddle, would he 
resign hia place aa Master of the Horse ? 

Infauocs Hoax. — The Commisuonen of Police laiij 
sent down two or three of their moat eiperiencnd detectivee 
to Canterbury, in consequence of having received intfiligence 
that a KTcat number of pockets hod been picked by on 
organised band in the neiehbourfaood. The infiirmation 
was perfectly correct as mr as it went, but tbe writer 
forgot to state that the pockets in question were pockets of 

Ibrahim Pacha has sucoeeded bis fatho' as VicercT of 
Egypt The Sultan, senug that Mehemet Ali was incapaci- 
tated by age and debility for reigmng any longer, sent a 
_firttum to depose the infirwt 'un. 

All IN THE Idea.— Our D.C. has written to tell us, that 
tbe policeman who banded Mr. William Smith Q'Biien to 
the governor of the gaol, assured the latter that he con- 
sidered himself on a footing with a member of Parliament, 
OS he b^ged leave to " bnng in a Bill," 


H. rul.ll UuCilTsi 

s. IMnlnn«« Owt. 1^ 






MR. Frederick Pippington was a 
gentleman of rather juvenile appear- 
ance and carria^, considering that 
his weight was eighteen stone and his 
age forty-two. He was one of those 
good sortof fellows who horrow money 
of thei r friends after telling them a cap- 
ital story, and, from an over-forgct- 
fulness, always fail to return the loan. 
Ue had heen once in thehahit of getting 
his friends to discount him hills for 
twenty nounds, change him checks for 
ten, ana lend him five-pound notes ; 
hut as he grew older, and his friends 
wiser, he horrowed half-crowns and 
occasionally fourpenny hits. He hated 
nothing so much as paying. He had 
none of those ahsura notions ahout 
dehts of honour, and was far less 
likely to refund when his friend had 
failed to take his I. 0. U. 

One day, when he was in want of a 
cigar, or a pint of stout, or a pottle of 
strawherries, or a threepenny omni- 
hus, or ajpenny hun, or a numher of 
the PoppET-Snow— all of which, except the last, any 
*' strong-minded*' man might do without — ^he met a friend 
in the street who was good for half-a-crown, which he 
obtained possession of in five minutes, and spent in as many 
more. He never thought another instant of the debt, though 
his friend did, which was unfortunate, as next day he met 
Mr. F. P. coming out of a Joint-Stock banking housoy wliere 
he -liad been detamed ten minutes to get a commission account 
clieque casliedibr two pounds two. His friend tackled him 
for the half-crown, and he could n*t plead he had no monoy, 
because he held the two sovereigns between his fore-finger 
and thumb, and he noticed his friend's eye was fixed firmly 
on them ; so the only excuse he could make was that he 
had no change; but as his friend pressed him somewhat 
hard, he invited him to take a glass of stout with him, 
ostensibly for the purpose of getting change, but actually 
with the intention of shaking him off. 

Mr. Frederick Pippingt(»n grew generous on the stout; firet 
a few dozen oysters were called for, and then sevwal glasses 
of brandy-ancl-water, and then some cigars. A sovereign 
was produced, and the bill was paid. As Mr. F. P. was 
gathering up the change, his friend reminded him about the 
half-crown; but as ill-luck ordered it, the change consisted of 
half-a-sovereign and eighteenpence. They turned out into 
the street, and Mr. Pippington proposed getting change on 
board a steam- boat, as his friend was going to Ishngton, 
which he might manage bv means of half-a-dozen steam-boats 
and omnibuses by way of Chelsea. The boat they got on 
board was a Richmond one ; and ^e weather and iced ginger- 
beer was so hot, and the breeze and the cigars so pleasant, mat 
they went all the way, and spent the eleven and sixpence on 
board. As Mr. Pippington was settling with the steward, 
his friend reminded him of the half-crown, which he positively 
wanted — either to pay his washing bill with, or else to get 
possession of the single shirt which he had left last Monday 
with his uncle — and he was promised it when Pippington 
could get some change. 

At Richmond they turned into a tavern ; and as both had 
rather an appetite, some lamb chops and peas were ordered 
and eaten, and a bottle of sherry drunk. Cigars came after 
the sheiry, and more brandy-and-water with the cigars. At 
this point, Pippington's fiiend, seeing that the bill was run- 
ning up, hiccuped out to him, *' For the sake of humanity 
and my washerwoman, don't forget the half-crown ;" but 
Pippinjrton, witli a savage satisfaction, calculated the cost 
of the dinner in his own mind, and finding there was some- 
thing like half-a-crown to spare, called for two bottles of 
soda-water, each with a glass of sheriy in it. These were 
gulped down by himself and friend ; and then came the bill, 
amounting to eighteen shillings, which, with a couple of 
cigars for themselves and a couple of shillings for the waiter, 
balanced the account of the second sovereign. The friend 

would have chimed in for his half-crown, but he saw tliere 
was no chance of it. - • 

The evening was serene and beautiful, the friends drunk 
and disorderly, as arm-in-arm they took their way to the 
railway station, when Pippington 's last two shillings served 
to carry them back to town. 

Pippington, when he awoke next morning, deep in his 
landlady's debt, and doubting whether she would let him 
have another breakfast on credit, thought over his yester- 
day's proceedings, and the miserable shin these had brought 
him to. He had spent two guineas on principle — and sundry 
eatables and drinkables — to avoid paymg a paltry half-crown 
which he had borrowed two days before. On calculating, he 
found this was equivalent to mterest at the rate of nearly 
BOO per cent, per diem, or 292,000 per cent, per annum ; and 
he became convinced of the policy, if not of the morality, 
of the maxim ** Be just btfore you are generous,** 

A vast number of old ladies have been thrown into a 
state of great alarm for the safety of London, by the 
appearance of two or three hundred National Guards m full 
umform, who they feared might entertain designs on the 
metropolis. Let these suso^ptible females, however, be 
reassured ; it is only the Puppet Siiow which experience has 
shown is able to taie the toKn ! 


One of our contributors has sent in a ve^*y clever parody of 
the ** Prometheus Vinctus,*' which, owing to a dehciency of 
Greek accents in the printing-oflice, we are unable to present 
to our i^ders. It wouW lose a great deed of its beauty by 
translation ; and we therefore content ourselves "with giving 
a summary of it. 

Punchy as Prometheus^ steals the jokes from the Puppbt- 
Siiow, in order to present them to its readers. The Suowman 
{Jupiter) , in revenge, sends a comic writer to torture the thief, 
who is bound down by two sub-editors {Kratos and Bia) of 
the injured jounal. 


The amiable Whigs, who combine the morals of Caliban 
with the intellect of Dogbeiry, have sentenced Mr. Smith 
O'Brien to the death of a traitor. Not an item of the dis- 
gusting formula of the barbarous sentence was spared to 
the public : the decision of the tyrant was couched in the 
language of the butcher. - . 

A curious speculation suggests itself on this subject. It 
appears that the ** quarters of the prisoner are to be dis- 
posed of according to Her Majesty's pleasure. Will that 
gmcious and amiable Lady regulate toe disposal of them ? 
Will the '* hams " be hung in the kitchens of Buckingham 
Palace, and the loins suspended in the larders of Wmdsor ? 
Or, will they be sold, ana the amoimt added to the revenue 
of the countrjT ? It is amusing to contrast this barbarous 
relic of antiquity with modem tastes and feelings ; as amus- 
ing as it is to compare Lord John Russell, as a litei*ary man, 
with Macaulay, or, as a statesman, with Chatham. 

But there is something more amusing yet to contemplate 
in the affair. We have had rebels prosecuting rebels — a thief 
set to catch a thief— -sweeps pelting each other with soot, 
both being equally foul. The Whigs, as appears from the 
letter of the gallant and brilliant Napier, were ixibcls in 
1832. They were plotting against the Sovereign whom 
they deceived by pretending to oe his friends— this gan^j of 
banditti in Downing Street— and striving to spread blood 
and fire through the length and breadth of England. Lord 
John Russell (who appears to have the ugliness of Cuficy 
without his courage) was to have done the Tom Thumb on 
a barricade, and employed against the institutions of the 
country lead of a more serious character than that which 
he employed in his trngcdv. 

Of course, with these damning facts against them — ^facts 
which might even miac a blush on the withered checks of 
Lansduwiic — the Wlii<;3 will not dare to hang O'Brien. 
Their sliield is a Icadtu shield, but tliey dare not stain it 
with blood. 




Various disagreeable " sounds,*' in the shape of ** reports'* 
inserted in the newspapers, have lately attracted the pub- 
lic ear, respecting the Royal Exchange chimes, which, 
instead of discoorsing " most eloquent music," are said to 

gOBsess the elements of discord instead of harmony. Not 
aving heard the bells in question, the Showman cannot 
decide whether the complaints against their tongues—which 
are r^resented to be as confused as those of the builders of 
the Tower of Babel — are just or otherwise ; but the charge 
against them is, that they are most unmusically ** hunff." 

The "founders" of the chimes — that is, tne gentlemen 
who cast the metal— declare, that the complaints against the 
bells are " unfounded," and that the injndicwm arrangement 
of the tunes played on them is the cause of the " sound and 
ftiry sTgniffbiff nothing." It appears that, orighially, four 

thoroughly displayed. Indeed, with respect to the tunes, 
there has been an *' exchange " trick altogether ! 

The Showman suggests, as the best remedy for this 
state of things, that the chimes be forthwith set to the tune 
*^ There' $ a good time coming, boye,^* as a change for the 
better is yery desirable. 

Charles Dickens* ** Chimes "ended merrily enough. Why 
should not those of the Royal Exchange meet with a similar 
fate ? To be sure, the former illustrated a dream, while 
matters connected with the Royal Exchange are too fre- 
quently founded upon the worst of realities. 



Ma. Showman, — I am a fish of an advanced age, and there- 
fore my habitation in the Thames must appear miraculous. 
Most of my circle of acquaintance are defunct, and I feel that 
I am Tapidly following, for we have something very like the 
cholera here, which lays us on our bocks. We are ol\ completely 
muddled, and cannot see our way clear ; and, though 1 have 
swam up to the Isis, in hopes of fishing out the cause at 
Oxford, I am not enlightened by my proximity with the 
collies. I believe you had a poet, called Denlmm, who 
sang of the Thames^ 

" Though deep, yet clear, tboi^h gentle, jet not dull, 
Strong witl^t lage, without o*€Tflowing~full ;'' 

and however elegant it sounds, I suppose the poet's license 
must. excuse his ignorance. So far from beiiig clear, the 
number of accidents is awful, by unavoidable collisions 
amongst us, and it is far from lively, on account of tlie 
dreadful mortality prevailing. With regard to being strong, 
you will. find that out the &st by trusting to your ale and 
norter, and have no doubt as to the rage, Ti^ien you some 
day discover that you have been absolutely noisoncu. More- 
over, as our waters only overflow occosbnolly, we are as full 
of filth as we can hold. The couplet is a downright injustice 
to the finny tribe, and turns the scales against us. If we 
do find a salubrious spot for half an hour, we see a dirty- 
looking mass more fearful than a whale in chase of \\\ and 
the next moment lose si^t of one another most abi-uptly. 
I have a favourite acauamtance whom I have not seen for 
three long weeks. Wnat is it, Mr. Showman, that you are 
doing to us, for I have observed the vessels over me, and they 
pass normlessly enough ? Some of my companions lay the 
tault on the tunnd, but, for my part, I *m above it. If it 
really can be true that you are emptying j'our sewers into 
our dominions with a view of killing us, you'll get the worst 
of it, for we shall wag our tails in Gloucestershire, and leave 
ymi the inheritors of pestilence and death. There *s niyste 
rious work fermenting in the river, and depend upon it there *s 
something at the bottom of it. Be wise m time ! for though 
we long nave tolerated kettles, boots and shoes, kc, and 
othw insults to our piscatorial dignity, we shall send you a 
revenging fever, which will glad the heart of 

Tours, subaqueously, 

A Fisir. 

A Comparison. — With reference to the conduct of the 
Irish trials, we may say of the Queen, as represented by her 
Ministers, that she resembles Miss Hardcostfe — " She stoopa 
to conquer." 


To be a good adva^tiser is to be an ingenious man, but the 
ingenuity of even a professed pufier will sometimes fla^: 
the resounses of a H<^oway 's fancy may at laBt be ezhanstra, 
and the plenty of a Morisson's imaginatioR be intimately 
used up. Either the advertisement duty or miieliniig«tiu 
more terrible, the dearth of tdient on the part of tbc^prnttkHd 
contributors to the columns of the Titna* Suppleooiait, has 
kept the art at a stand-still for some time past — that art 
so fast approaching the point at which it would actu^ly 
have become a seienoe. Rowlaed must really more on 
with the tiflies, and unless the mventor of me '^centle- 
man's real headiof ihair " keq) pace vrith the a^,.he will 
find his annoimeeiiiQitt of no value and his testunonials of 
no effect. 


NOTICE is hereby finven, that the CoinnssiONERS for 
MENT, being well satisfied with the services of Powell, are ready to 
receive Tenders for Rascals of a similar iuiid. All commu- 
nications to be addressed to Downing Street; and marked in the 
comer Tender p©R Rascals. N.B. The Commissioners do not 
pledge thems^ves to accept the lowest villain offered. 



Ekolanb has bten thrown into a state of astonishment by 
the di«oofery that the Whigs were actoally a few years ago 
complete rebels and delib^te plotters of treason. Lord 
John Russell will eo down to posterity (and it would have 
been only fair if he had gone down to New^te) with the 
gallant uuffey, with the colour of whose phiz that of bis 
lordjihip's heart harmonises very will. 

We confess that we think there is no diffsrrace of guilt 
between treason at the Orange Tree and treason at the 
Reform Club. Is rebellion more honourable when babbled 
over Burgundy, than when belched over beer ? We think 
that to take up arms against a sovovign in patent-leadier 
boots is just as oriminafas to do it in Hm homely, and more 
martial, bluchers. To conspire to kill majesty wl^ a silver- 
hilted mpier is just as criminal, in our eyes, as to attempt tt 
with a piebetan pike. But such is the wretched condition of 
soeiety here, that respectability rules dominant eten in 

We wonder how the Whigs used to manage their plots. 
One can fancy Lord John sneaking down St. Jameses Street 
to ^ place of meeting, tapping at the door, giving the pass- 
word, ** Walker ! ** and marching in to the assembled gang 
of '^ noble " consptrators-^Morpeth, girt with a huge sword ; 
the dandiiied and inane Melboume, with a delicate 
poignant ; the sullen and slow Lansdowne, bearing a 
busier *6 axe ! Thm^ how inspiring it must have been to 
them to gloat in imagination over tlie scenes of blood diey 
were proj^ing ; the contusion of the good-natured king, 
whose ooafideMe they were dishenoaring, and the probable 
destruction of the aristocracy, their relations ! If plotters of 
this class escape with impunity, shall poor old Cufiby work 
in (^ms, or tite laelaneboly Looney revolve on the eternal 
mill ? 

Could not the Whigs be punished (since there must be 
** somal distinctions *' always) in a manner becoming their 
lofty rank ; diained, for example, with silver chains, and 
carried to Newgate in a splendid van with their crests 
emblazoned on its paodsl We should like to see the 
ministers, all in elegant -attire, working on a maliogany 
tread-imll~^t would be ouite an aristooratic punislnnent, 
and very amuauif^ ! Would not the '* great snobaoeiety " 
allow that? 

Tlie subject has its facetious features ; i but, tliOQgh we 
laugh at scoundrels oceasionaUy, one may .despise twin ail 
the same. Eh, reader ? 



pnrs &ir£Ei)££s. 

We recently met with a paragraph commencing: — 
" The Labomnng Poorin Irehind/* This is the first intima- 
tion we crer had of the existence of any labouring portion of 
the Irish population. 

Many persons expresstheir sorprise nt Smith O'Brwn's 
sudden exhibition of hts poetieal capacity, forg^t^^ that 
the '' presmnptiTe " King of ^buster has all along dealt in 

Some good-natured "friend " recently published what he 
terms " Personal Reeollecdom of Lord George Bentinck.** 
The author is surmised to be Su* Charles Wood, as the 
personal recollections of the " well-abused *' Chancellor of 
the Exchequer muet be particularly vivid. 

It is a matter of frequent discussron, what arethe springs 
of Mr. Disraeli*s oondwct? Judging from the warm water 
he is so often getting into, we sheula eay that they are hot 

There is a report — to which, however, we do not attach 
much credit— that Loi-d J. Russell intends visiting Ireland 
once more before next session, in order to complete his plans 
for the alleviation of the prevailing distress. Of course, he 
would soon be obliged to depart a second time. In this sense, 
and in no other, we beheve, will he ever re-leave that Buy- 
ing country. 

In allusion to the flight of the Emperor from Vienna, the 
Olobe says, ** the whole of the equipages and effects followed 
in the course of the afternoon." With all due deference to 
our contemporary, however correct he may be as recards tlie 
eupipageft, we very much doubt whether the whole of the 
effects will have followed for some time. 

Some thick-headed Buckinghamshire farmer, foolish 
enough to believe in the patriotism of Mr. Disraeli, ob- 
serv<3, a short time ^ince, that that gentleman *s principles 
were ** true blue.'* It strikes us that he would have been 
more correct had he designated them as ** party-coloured.'' 

We often hear it remarked, how tradesmen will cringe to 
obtain the custom of any influential individiial. We doubt, 
however, whether they could be more servile than certain 
uoble dukes, earls, and marquises, who have lately been 
fawning on Lord J. Russell, in the hopes of obtaining 
merely a single order from him : it is true, nowever, that this 
is the Order of the Garter. 

Some Croatian spies have fovnd means to disaeminiUte 
among the Hun^rians immense numbers of a manifeato, in 
which Jellachicn calls upon the Hungarians to desert what 
he terms the rebel standard, and espouse the true canee. 
We advise these individuals to be cai«ful, seeing that the 
Provisional Government has forbidden, under pain of deaik, 
this pnblication of the Ban's. 

Is Mr. John 'Cornell a Patriot ? 

Major — To die for your country is to be patriotic ! 

Minor — But Mr. John O'Connell (although the country 
did not wish him) said that he would die — and did not ! 

Conclusion — Ergo : Mr. John 0*Connell is a braggart, 
and deserves the piEory ! 


** FaMhkm doth make oenards of us all" 

Shakspeuk {Earlff EdUhl^ 


YouNO- Cupid one day took a freak, 

To^snend a short stason (m esrth ; 
And deesed out in nK>dcrn cestmne, 

Heseiight for fua, frolic, and mirth. 
He mefrwifli a coquette, whose eyes 

Were bright as the blutt^akies above— 
He told her 2ie *d bellarby far 

Ba constant, and marry for h)ve. 


At the opening of the Haymarket Theatre, on which 
oeeasion tlie performancea commenced with Borneo and 
Juliet, Mr. Creswick being the liero, Mias Laura Addison» 
who enacted Juliet, was observed to pronounce the words, 

" Oh 1 Romeo, Romeo, whcrelbre art than Romeo V* 

with an expression of deep grief. Considering who played 
the part in question, this aoes not surprise us. 

By his letter to Lord Lansdowne, Lord Brougham has 
been endeavouring to draw largely upon national sympathy. 
We fear, however, he will find there are " noefifocts," as we 
said eflusion is anything but a Letter of Credit. 



IPwrl&fB I Tl not marry," said she ; 

** This Lover ia* ft couucal child^ 
And, like other chifdreB, I wmd. 

Is very inconstant and wild. 
I swear by his arrows and bow 

I Ve loved half a hundred or more. 
And if I must marry for love. 

At least I must marry a score.' 


Young Cupid was silenced at this. 

And greatly surprised to discover 
That any gay damsel of earth 

Should own she hod more than one lover. 
He vowed that this fair one should wed. 

And as woman can't live upon honey. 
Appealing to prudence, he said, 

*• My dear, will you many for mosey ?" 


" Oh, ne, sir," said she, with asmile. 

So sweet tliat the god felt its power ; 
'* I've^old, sir, bright gold of mine own. 

An? I thousands of pounds for my dower. 
So wealth cannot tempt me to change 

My own fairy sinmner of life ; 
I 'm happy, nor will I, forsood). 

Become a diseoasolatc wife." 

As Cupid was not very willing 

To yield up his crown to young miss. 
Again he addressed the cov maiden, ^ 

And prefaced his speech with a kiss : 
" Since gold has no charms for you, lady, 

Andn^ is your heart from all pasttois 
Allow me to a<ld, with due honour. 

That marriage is now quiie tkefixMomJ* 


'* Good sir, if your statement bortrue, 

And Hymen 's the lord of the 4ay , 
How foolish to you I must seem 

To idle my nonage away ; 
And though pretty vows could; not tempt 

To taste of the conjugal bliss, 
/ u^mtld not he out of ikefeuhion 

On^ a matter so triJUn^ws HmT 



An enlightcrned pablic will leam with iodlgnation tliat a dongcronii 
fttid treftMiiuible coDSpirncj hM been fbnned Binaii); Ibe lomr (li ter>i7) 
orden tgniDBt the mnjea^ oTthe&HOWifAiT. It arifpnnt«d arnong 
thoM we liavc chsBlised, and is Ibererure nnlurnllj headed b; 
0. W. H. Itejnolda. BrjuoldB BupplieB the falsehood and Billings- 
gate in the attack^ and Ihc Reamer the [lUusible aophislTy and gag. 
Such ferocity has bwn displnjed hj the conspirators, that a man 
poasGSsing less nerre than the Showuak might have tremUcd on 
taking np his glass of champagne lest it should be poieonid. Only 
the other daj b« acluallj discovered on infernal machine oTa de^ly 
nature concealed in one of his pateDl-knlber boots ! lU-Iooking 
dngB, too, whcM appearance marked their characteTi, have been 
seen lurking about his rill*. It will be sntisfiictoij to knoit that 
nirangementi have been made for their removal to and confinement 
in a spacious pound in the neighbourhood. 

Out leaders will rentember that we hod occasion Tery lately to 
give a hint oflhe flagrant immorality displayed in RejnoMs's book, 
the Mstlirif of the Court. Rejuolds accordinglj did hlmaclf the 
honour to attack us, as "a thing beneath contempt," in his next 
week's MitctUmy. This is amusing, considering the attention 
whidi onrjoomalreceirea&omthereKpectsblopottJonof tliepma; 
and particnlarlj conaidaring that this same person, Itejuoldn, nol 
long ago landed ua to the akies in the same periodicnl— probably 
nnder the fallacioui hope that he woald thus ai'ert the artnging 
cudgel, nnd induce ua to permit him to creep on quiellj in profitable 
vice nnd nbscuritj. We hope tliat the man's Mhetllann h paring, 
for the sake of the nnhnppj beings his credilora, who arc to receive 
something out ofitbj the compulsion of the law, and lhereft»re we do 
not mind its >-algnr abuse of us if such is likely to make it sell. But, as 
to the Ufteriit aflhe Court, we reiterate with loathing and dii^gast 
oar charges ngainst it, as a vile and sAtnnic creation ; delihcratelj 
assuring the public that it baa the liccntinosneesof Catullus wilboal 
a spark of his gmceAil ga'iety — the oAensivenrss of Martini without 

ft gleam of his redeeming point. It is only anum;^ the wont 
specimens of ancient literature, in fact, that we can find nnTthin|r 
rewmlling it. The pilloty fbrmerl; kept oi tolerably free from 
such fluff in thu country, and public writers must perform the 
sama office now. It ia ridiculons to talk about "improwng the 
condition of the massca," while such books aa Beynolda's form the 
ataple of their reading." Before you can plant fluweis, joa must 
remove the rubbish from the site. 

As to the Rtawtrr — a twopenny atheistical dispatant, who keeps 
rattling Tom Pnine's hones about every week to attract the mob, 
and rcgidarly weaves a cobweb of catchpenny mctapbyucs to capture 
unhappy flies — he very plausibly accuses as of gross injuitice. We 
thank him for his courteous assanll, and assure him that our 
otijeetions are simply these — we do not think the public likely to be 
edified by being (anght to believe iu Mr. Ilolyo^e rather than in 
the Ddlj, or by paying twopence weekly to b« asmred that they 
have no souls ! 

The Anti-POPPET-SHOW movement receives snppwt, we under- 
stand, from a nnmbcr of foolish persons, who prefer ihc vapid 
pleasantry of cur rivals, the " illiterate boBbona," to tlic Show- 
man's rigorous style and atrong determination. We bail these 
various attacks as proofs of our increasing influence. "We like," 
as rare old Magtnn once observed in Friaer, "to hear the beast 
roar, for then wc know he 's wounded ! " 

Fact and Fictios. — While, in England, it is i 
of the taw that the king can do no wrong, it seems s 
in Prussia that he nerer can do right. 

. fiction 

Lincoln GREBS.—Sibthorpe wishes to knon whether, if 
Dr. Locock's wnfere ore n cure for consumption, Parliom nt I 
oualit not to give thnn to the poor, to stoii the conaumntion ' 
of food in seasons of scarcity \ 

o stop the conaumptioi 

A Glace Look Oct. — Lord John, at dessert, when 
drinking the health of Powell the "spy," intr primps 
divine what future liistorians will sav of him.'having a 
spiritual " spy-gloss" before him. i 

Political Omelette Soufflge. — The Toulouse ban aiiot, 
which recently caused the Caviiigiiac Govemraeiit some little 
displeasure, was, after all, & " tnfie light as air,'' nottvich- 
atanding the non-attendance of Geuornl " Ballon ! " 

Trish Mathematics. — Given : A population devoted to 
murder, fire, and rapiue. Question : Where is the O'Coniiell 
moral force principle ? 

Lord Brocquau figures this week before the puhllc — for 
about the ten thousandth time — in a ridiculous position. He 
ia now to be observed — n complete volubilt buxttm —spinning 
with hia customary swiftness, while the press are lashing him 
with their usual ferocity ; for Henry is one of tlie bad boys 
that require constant costigalion froni t)>e " best posaibki 
iiutructor." Indeed, it must be stated of him, that if be 
loses reputation occasionally, he certainly " catclies it " iu 
most caaes. 

Henry's ofienco on this occasion was writing a naughty 
letter to a stupid playfellow without leave from nis masters, 
and one, too. which abounded with errors ^uite unworthy of 
the trouble that ho!tliecn bestowed upon liia education. He 
is lashed particulaHy for baring bebaved very ill in his 
treatment of roiiii^ Alphonsc de Lamafline, a clever little 
French boy, whom no hates because he wouhi iiotencoura^ 
him in playing truant and running away Irum the school in 
which he is at present placed. 

To di'on our illuatrftlion of the boy (which we trust r 
l-mlndeii person will call a puerile one), i 


V uotive top, combining the n 

the activity of the wIiip|iiug-top, under 
hich we at present represent him. Tbe whipping will 





Chapteb VlI.—TnE Water Party. 

The eventful morning at length dawned. The weather was 
most propitious, and seemed to promise a pleasant excursion. 
At a very early hour the Pilot with his two friends, Messrs. 
Splint and Prohe, were already at Searlo's. in all the 
splendour of round glazed hats, blue-striped Jerseys, white 
trowsers, and black leather belts, and looking as lifdy 
and fresh as three VMing gentleman could he expected to 
look, who had not slept at all the previous night ; fer, as 
the Pilot said, if they wiiihed to get upearly>.tl»'C«ly way 
for them to bo sure of effecting their purpose was not to go 
to bed. 

At nine o'clock Mr. Bagster's servant anived in a oab, 
with an immense quantity of Iwanpcrs, baskets, and brojvn- 
paper parcels of all descriptions and sizes. Bv the time 
these had been stowed away in the boat — whicli, by the way, 
was a most magnificent aftair, with a very splendia awning, 
just low enough for you to knock your hat off under it every 
time you moved, and a long table fixed aft between the scats, 
which it was admmibly adapted to render most uncomfort- 
able, and a high stern with a majestic Union Jack trailing 
down from it mto the water — by the time, we say, that the 
packages were stowed away, Mr. Bagster, Mr. Augustus, 
Harriet, and the rest of the party arrived. Among these 
was a very fat old lady with a young gentlenwni, her 
grandson, of the age of eight years and the name of Alfred, 
and whose princi^ occupation seemed to be a constant 
endeavour on his part to render himself as disagreeable as 
possible; then there were other ladies, both young and oW, 
of the usual descriptbn to be found at water parties, aad m 
fact everywhere else,; and, to render the matter c«aiplete, 
there was a fashionable parson, of about thirty, who was the 
idol of all the straw bonnets for miles around the church 
where he preached, and who had already arrived at his 
second silver teapot, and, as was currently reported, ran 
considerable chanee of getting aHhird. There were also to 
have been two or throe pullmg men, but these had been 
prevented from attending, and coiiM(|uently it was very 
evident that the labour of the whole day would devolve upon 
Mr. Augustus, the Pilot, and their two friends, since the 
popular preacher declared his health would not allow of his 
taking violent exercise, even if his calling pennittedit. 

At last, every one and everything bang settled, off wtnt 
the boat, propelled by our four ncquaintanees and steered by 
an old waterman with a red jacket and ditto face ; the sai^ 
functionary having been procured at the expwes desire of 
several of the ladies, who had stipulated that there should 
be a professed waterman on board to prevent acci<knts. 

** How very deliglitful, is not it? ' observed the fat oM 
lady to Augustus, who was pulling stroke. 

"Oh, exti-emcly so," replied no, with a forced smile, 
meaning the very i-everse of what he said. The fact is, he 
had reckoned on sitting near, and conversing with, Harriet, 
some part of the day at least ; insiead of which, he saw the 
fashionable preacher in the place he had hoped ta occupy , 
while he himself was toiling away like a galley slave, anil, 
what was worse than all, obligod to appear pleased. 

They had proceeded as far as Putney, wnen Mr. Augus- 
tus began to perceive a marked diflference in the style of 
piUling of Mr. Probe, who sat behind him. Instead of 
keeping time as he had previously done, this gentleman kept 
digging into the small of Mr. Augustus's back, in anything 
hut an agreeable manner, evety time the latter leant for- 
ward. At first a respite liad generally taken place on Mr. 
Augustus's requesting him, hi as mild a manner as possible, 
" to look out ; ' but no attention having been paid to his 
last two or three remonstmaces, but, on the contrary, the 
knocking becoming worse and worse, Mr. Augustus Philips 
looked round, and perceived Mr. Probe nodding over his 

All attempts to rouse Mr. Proheiiumog proved ineffectual, 
he was laid at full length uiiierti»» seats, the Pilot declaring 
that his fatigue was the roaxAi of ovRvstttdy. A bargain 
was then struck with a barge carter, who was returning 
with his team, to tow them Uie remainder of the way, and 
in another minute the boat was gliding merrily along, to 
the great horror of the scarlet- coated and ditto-visaged 

waterman m the stem aforesaid, who looked upon the whole 
proceeding as very undignified and highly unprofessional. 

" Here we are," cried Mr. Bagster, as the boat was at 
length moored under the shade of the noble trees which 
sweep down to the edge of the river, opposite Twickenham ; 

haaded out, and then the provisions, the boat being left to 
the care of the scarlet-clad waterman. 

The scene became now very animated. First of nil, 
there was a grand discussion as to the spot they should 
select as theu* dining^abie, and then there was opening of 
bottles, and unpackmg of hampers, and utux>lling of parcels, 
and passing of plates — in doin^ which latter Mr. Augustus 
found means to press Jlarritt's hngers a considerable number 
of times, seeiwg tliat he had postes^ himself of the crockery 
basket, and each plate had consequently to pass through his 
hands befoi"e it could reach those of an)^ one el^^e ; and then 
there was mixing of salads and waiting into pies (in a 
literal sense), and sitting upon tablecloths and salt-spoons, 
together with all the other usual chai*acteristics of a picnic 

** Who 's for roast beef?" asked the Pilot. " Gentlemeii 
and ladies," continued he, '* allow me to remark, that wluit's 
done can be underdone, of the accuracy of which remark this 
truly national, but unfortunately half-raw, joint before me 
isapRMf. It strikes me I had better cut it,*' and so say- 
ings JiO'ppoeeeded to oavva a ebiokeii in ^ so scientific a man- 
ner, that the fat old Ikh^ deokred he quite made her 
** shudder again.*' On whteh he isqiBred, with an air of 
gnateeHeem, on what occasion she oad hmnurod him by 
shuddering first, and whether she was not wry fond of 
Alfred — wlio certainly was a very fine child, with a mon- 
strous largely-developed forehead, which he only hoped 
might not betoken water on t*ie bmin. After having made 
the old ladv very uncomfortable, he then proceeded to 
propose the health of their wor^friend and much-reapcctod 
host, Mr. Bagster. 

When this and half-adozen other toasts had been dmnk, 
the party separated in different greups, wandering about the 
lofty avenues by which they were on all sides surrounded. 

The fat lady, however, renunned where she wa«^, being in 
great tribulation, first lest the development <rf' Master Alfred's 
foR'head should be the effect of disease, and secoudlv because 
her pet was indulging in a most unearthly howl, which, 
perhaps, was not to 1^ wondered at, seeing that the young 
yfclnMUM W9A for the moment a martyr to an mipleasant 
tightaesS'Of tbeabekiBeivai^amHyisoniidering tlie mmiense 
quantitjr of food he had devoured, ratherto he expected than 

"Don't cry, Alfred, darling!** said tlieoldhuly. "Dear, 
dear, what can I do to amuse him ? — Look at the pretty 
chestnut trees ! " 

" They are very fine ones, indeed," said the Pilot. 
" W^uld you like to have some chestnuts to play with, 

" Yes, I would,*' replied the young gentleman, drying 
his tears. " I want some chestnuts— 3 will have some 

" Very well, then," replied the Pilot, " wait till there arc 
some, there *s a good boy. At present there are none. But 
when we come mam — ' 

" Yes, then*, eaid the young gmitleman. 
" There won-*t be any either," returned the Pilot ; " but 
I *ll see that there are a dozen or two grown for your especial 

During this time Mr. Augustus had been endeavoming 
to obtain a few minutes' tite-^t^le with Harriet; but do 
what he could, he was unable to get rid of the fashionable 
parson, vrhom attentions to the young lady were so pointed, 
tlmt Mr. Augiistuav with unparalleled ferocity, wishetl it 
had beMi posablo to jam him into one of his own teapots, 
and keep tiira there, hermetically sealed, until furtlier notice. 
As, however, the laws of matter offered insuperable obstacles 
to the carryinjB^wit of this idea, he resolved to curtail the 
pleasure ot his clerical friend as much as possible, and 
therefore proposed that they should all follow Master Alfred's 
example, ana return to the boat, wliere that young gentle- 
man was then engaged in a dispute with his grandmother 


as to whether or no he was to wear her gold spectaeles,- at 
the imminent risk of letting them fall into the water. Mr, 
Augustus's proposition having heen adopted by aeclama- 
tiOT, the party had soon re-embarked, but, spite of all our 
hero's eflorts to the contraty, the fashionable parson was 
again next to Harriet. 

" Ah,** thought Augustus, as with blistered hands he 
once more resumed his oars, looking all the time at his 
whito-neckerchioled rival, while visions of Morgiana with 
the burning oil, and the forty thieves concealed in the jars, 
floated before hismiad, " if ne were in the teapot, and a little 
hot water would settle him" — and with this he commenced 
pulling in moodj silence, fully convinced he was the most 
mMBeraue being m toist^ee. Little did he imagine that, be- 
fore that d*y. ended, h» ^oidd esteem it the happiest of his 


DoiTBTLBSs mveh ftdf^ntage will aoenae to the French 
naition fr»m the visit* which some of the National Goards 
latelr paid to the Whittington Clob. We had hoped, for 
the iKHiour of England, that they would not have been 
allowed to enter that building; but the Fates have been 
adverse, and we shall now soon be tortured bv some French 
dramatic author introdueing the Duke of W^ington and 
** Sir Peel " as going to tfa«ir club in the Strand, to take an 
eightpeimy plate of sodden meat and a glass of table-beer for 

The unfortunate National Guards, in their thirst for in- 
formation as to England aBd«the English, have, we are sorry 
to say, swallowed a great deal that will do them no good. 
Some of their mistakes have been such as one might natur- 
ally fall into. For instance, Uiey believe that all our work- 
houses ore priaofis, and all our palaces workhouses. Such 
errors may oe grieved for, Imt there is certainly no one to 
blame for them. 

When, however, we findthe diroctow of the Whittington 
Club inviting the French eaplorera toinspect an institution 
which, while uniting all the disadvantagesof a mechanics* 
institute and a slap-bang, is absurdly stykd a " Club,** 
we feel itiovumbcnt upon us to expose the puppets who con- 
' stitute the committee, and «Bdiavwr to bring them to a 
sense of dotv — the only Mnae whieli thoy.can be expeeled 
to possess. W hen Doupai Jertokl , like Balaam, felt forced to 
speak the truth in spile of hincKalf, he comparad the clohito 
a bundle -of '^ wlt e h s, *. aodithtsu one of the most sensilAaie- 
marks he ever made. 

^ After theinipartinence and absurdity of inviting foreigners 
toinspect the seedy eating-house in the Strand as a specimen 
of the London clubs, we shall not be astonished to hear of 
some distinjEuislied visitor beine entertained at any obscure 
coffee- shop that may be called the ** Clarendon,'* under pre- 
tence of b^ng shown the resources of the celebrated hotel in 
Bond Street. 

The \Miittington Cltd> hoa also been imniortalizing itself, 
in a smaller way, bv two amateur dramatic performances. 
One of these took place at the Strand Tlieatrc, where the 
diflerent members were eminently successful hi causing the 
nublic to laugh — at them, but they were even still more 
lortuDate in t»sir appearance at the Theatre Royal Comity 
Court, Westminster. The entertainments commenced with 
the plav of A New Way to Pay Old Debts, followed by the 
laughable farce of the Managers in Distress, and concluding 
with the h^hly interesting, astounding, and soulistirnng 
drama, entitled the En$raeen Spoons, or the VioUmisA 
Emjracer, in which a new song, / 'm a Spoon, was intro- 
duced by the principal character, an engraver, the fun of 
whose part consisted in his having engraved a number of 
spoons for the Olub.jLnd being unable to obtain any remu- 
neration for so doing. 

The Treason Mabket.— The treason market is at alow 
ebb at present. A few Chartists were sold the other day, 
and since that the commodity has been rare. Cuflfey was 
done to a considerable extent, but the stock geamUy went 
off heavily (in the van, we mean). 



Our attention has been strongly called to the condition of 
this vulgar but useful thoroughfare, by a contributor in 
the ncignbourhood. It appears that one^udfof it is in St. 
Pancras, and the other m St. Marylebone parish, and as 
the parish authorities are unwilling to take half and half 
peaceably, the result is that constant disputes ariae, and 
that when the Pancrasians lay down pavement on their side, 
the Marylebonians repudiate it on the other, and vsee versd^ 
so that the road has oecome the very harlequin of thorough- 
fares, and as double-faced as Sir Robert Peel. When 'Ben- 
eras takes up the gas, Marylebone leaves it alone; and when 
Marylebone sends round a watering cart, Pancras leaiaMthe 
dust on its tdde; so that, unless an Act of Uniformity ia^aaaed 
soon, Tottenham Court Road will be split into two alleys 
instead of remaining one street. 

; But this is not the worst of it. No ! HostilafeeliQgs have 
been excited between the population en ^ppositaaidisy and 
an internecine war may shortly be expected. At present the 
cab-stand m the centre fonns the neutral temtory; but 
already, we brieve, the borderers on each side of it have 
made predatory excursions, attended by severe fighting and 
great loss of baked potatoes. This state of things must be 
put an end to; antl our contributor above alluded to has 
some thoughts of constituting himself a military dictator, 
unless the two parishes accept his mediation, in which case 
he mil decide with impartiality, as England and Fi*ance are 
doing in the affairs of Austria and Itoly. lie will open a 
(Tottenham) Court of Appeal, at an early period, for the 

An Absurd Excuse. — A thief who lately broke open a 
grocer's warehouse, excuses himsdf on tiie plea that he muicly 
went there to take tea. 

The " Peabl or Days" — Dividend day. 


We have to complain of a smous nuisance by which all 
the tlieatres, easinos, and other places of public amusement 
are infested. We mean the presence of an excessive munber 
of Government cterks. Since the begiiming of the numth, 
wlien Uiey received their pay, these gentlemen have been 
'* about town '* in the most industrious manner; and it is 
feared that until the cash which they have received is spant 
(a period probably of several weeks), they ^vill still continue 
to " infest our streets and disgrace our public places.*' 

In many coses their costumes have been \ery terrific and 
have put us to the greatest pain. Young men who at the 
end ot September were goiu^ about in the most seedy con- 
dition, appeared in the beginning of October in tlie most 
brilliant state. But not only has the grub of last month 
become the butterfly of the pi^nt : anotlier metamorphosis 
has taken place, and the raven, having put on the fieacock s 
feathers, has also ac<)uired more than that vanity which is 
the ordinary characteristic of Juno's bird. 

Tlie great physiognomist, Lavatcr, could decide a? to the 
calling of any person met at random in the street: we do not 
pretend to so mucli )K>wer ; but owiiirr to the simplicity of the 
young men who ibkIuI^ in the public omusements of the 
metropolis, we maintain that in almost every cose we can 
tell who they arc and what tlioy are. 

For instance, a man who suddenly emerges from eeedi- 
ness at the eud of Se|)tember, and who becomes an liabiUU 
(for ten days) of a tlieatre or some other place of public 
amusement, is a Government derk. If a nuui be obser\'ed 
with clean glavcs and with two or three friends following him 
about on Saturday morning or evening, he is on the r rcss 
and has just received his money; if, however, the gloves be 
dirty and the friends not so assiduous in their attentions, 
and, moreover, tlie person himsdf be ** dovated/' he is pro- 
bably a City clerk. 

l^he coukic wi-iter con always be told by his profoundly 
me]anelM>ly appearance, tlie satirical ouo by his amiability, 
and the sentimeutal ]>oet by his fatness and coarse express 
sion ; but as money is no object to tliese persons, tlieir 
api)earance and conduct is in no manner affected by '* Pay 


" ' Ah, ^ou iiteim pigcoiu ; and you should Itko them 
aboTe all things ?' 
" ' Yes — in a pie!' 

" The rays wliWIi gloamed uiwti Uc^I liimi Square lit 
«p the IW ([o»^ and the Blat^k Kntlosmf. What Has 
ivithin tliat Black Enclosure ? Fmni time to time the 
reports of £re-arms were heard aridiiig from its mystic 
preeincls. Then shabby men, in vmeteen aporting- 
jackets. and that si>ecies of chauaure called ' high-Ions ' 
in England, cocked the guns with which t&y vrtw 
armed, and looked eagerly about. 

" Occasionally a bird rose fluttering above the Black 
Enclosure. Shot after shot were aimed at it. Generally 
it fell struggling on tlie green sward— occasionally it 
Eoai-e^l unhurt into the air, and flew triumphantly away. 
But all this time none but the favoured knew what ivas 
goine on within the Block Eoclosure. But Poddy was 
still utere. The waiter had not seen him emerge. That 
waiter was a busy man, but lie had eyes for all ; and 
when a young gent, dressed in a fashionable paletot and 
a Joinvilie tie — an article of attire called after a man 
who was a great friend of ours once, but who, since he 
was kickea out of France, we thoroughly despise and 
slightly detest — wlien this ^oung ffcnt asked whctlicr M. 
Eoddy ' had been,' the waiter repued, ' Oh, he 'a n-becn, 
and he's a-blazingawayat them bieasodhaninials behind.' 


lias has written a 
: novel called Le 
■- Chertilier de la 
- Mnium Rouge. 
^ Hod the French 
^ story-teller Iran* 
f ferred the scene of 
t his talo — witliout, 
f* however, altering 
n the tide — from the 
J bauks of the Seine 
r to the banks of the 
I Thames, he would 
'- probably have pro- 
iluced a chapter 
like this ; — 
" The pier at Hungerford was crowded with people 
as Augustus Poddy mode his way on board the Dnny- 
down-Dilly, which in another moment paddled towards 
the mysterious Red House. The deck fras crowded with 
gazing passengers, but to Poddy the banks of tlie rush- 
ing Thames were familiar things. Ilia eye rested vacantly 
on the grand new Custom-house— beiiiz built from the 
design of M. Barry, tlie pwnter — on the one side_, and 
on the Tower of Ixindon, inhabited by the Arcltbislion 
of Canterbury, on the other. Leaning on a splendid 
fowling-piece, just purchased from Swan and Edgar's, 
tlie young Londoner remained plunged in reverie, until 
he stood u[)on a sedgy bank, and bdield the Bed House 
before him. 

" All round strelchod swampv meadows, whei«n lovely 
females rode on donkeys, and groups of arist«eratio 
children qua^d halfpenny bottles of gin^i- pop, and 
flew gallantly lhroun;b the air in the whirling cars of 
merry-go-rounds. The famed ' Red House ' itscif _ was 
a hiimt^e structure, above the door of which were painted 
the names of its proprietors, Messrs. Barclay and Per- 
kins. Within the threshold, to the left, was a metal- 
covered counter, from which sprang a rau^ of brass 
cocks, and at one comer appMi«d, pixgectinj; from a 
wooden case, four or five handles, connected with hydro- 
static engines beneath. Before the Maiion Rouge were 
ranged sundry tables and benches beneath the shade of 
mystic trees, of which no one knew the name. 

" Oil one of these tables Poddy seated himself care- 

" The following dialogue then took place betwc«n 
himself and another persou : — 
" ' Wmfer.' 
"•Yes, sir.' 
" ' Pint of stout,' 

" Id another moment the Londoner had drained the 
goblet, then, with a sardonic smile, flinging down a tour- 
penny bit, he caught up his gun, and strode away. At 
the back of the house was a aahle enclosure. The fence 
was high and black. No eye could penetrate to the 
secrets within. But Poddy struck boldly at the door; 
it opened, and he was admitted. 

" III a princely mansion in a small street at the back 
of Red Lion S<juare, sat a grey-eyed woman — young, 
gay, and gorgeous, in a robe of the most expensive cotton 
pnnt. She »at pensively by the window, and gazed forlli 
upon the slanting sunlight gilding myriads of chimney- 
pots. Suddenly she lieaveda deep sigh, her eyes dilat«^l, 
and her hands clas|>ed. 

" ' I should like it of all things,' she murmured.' 

" The door ojicncd, and a woman entered. She was 
old. Her face was dirty — so were her hands. 

" * What would you so like,' she said, almost harshl v. 

" ' Hush, mother,' whispered the daughter, for such 
the young lady was ; ' husli, in your ear : a flock whir- 
red by mo in the summer air — ' 

•■ ' A flock r 

" ' Yes — of doves ! ' 

" The afternoon was well advanced when III. Poddy 
emerged by that noiseless door. There were no stains of 
mnr^ on his hand, and no horror in his eye. On the 
contrary, the fallowing tUalogue pawed between him and 
the gent in the JoinviHe tie :— 

" ' Wiiat are you going to stand ?' 


" ' Cold without?' 

" ' Warm with—' 

'"Good sport?" 

" ' Look ; and Poddy e.\hibitcd a bundle of dead 

" That aftemoou the lady of Red Lion Square sat 
joyfully by the window. In a dark recess of the apart- 
ment was a man. He looked like Poddy. 

" A^ain the door opened. Again tlie matron entci-ed. 

" 'Motliei',' said tlie young woman, with her clear 
ringing voice, ' Mother, they are cau^t--they aro ours!' 

" 'What ni"e ours ?' inquired the mother. 

" Iler daughter looked joyfully to thedurk ii!ccss, and 
then snid with an inipreo:iivc gesture, 

" 'The pigeons.' 

" ' And wTio is the "jeneroiis donor?' 

" The lady beckoned, and Poddy came forward. 

" ' Ma mere, permeClex que jc volts pretentele Chetiilkr 
de la MaitoH Ro'ige!' " 




There are some absurd prejudices about Scotland floatin^j 
in the minds of Londoners ; and the country is attackeu 
often by ]>eoplc ismorant eren of its ceoo^rapKical position, 
to say nothin<]f about its literature and hi.-tory. We would 
recommend these persons to look at the ^Yav in which the 
cholera has been received in Glasgow, and wbidi contrasts 
very stronpjly with its reception in London, where they have 
welcomed it with open — and very dirty — arms. 

It appears that 400 persons have been broiij^ht before 
the Glasgow magistrates charged with " permitting nui- 
sances/* and har\'e been ** ordered to remove them/ Wc 
flibuld be making ourselves liable to punishment from thcBC 
worth v officials, were ^ve to permit such nuisances as Laurie 
and Wire to hold their position any longer. Laurie seems 
to be as fond of civic dirt, as the children of the plebs are 
of buildins: mud jiies in the streets ; so that while Scotland 
seems likely to pet off Scot free, London is obviously in a 
dangerous condition. 

Wc apprehend that as the first step towards cleaning 
out a hog-sty is to remove the hogs, so the best way to 
purify the City is to remove the officials who chiefly pre- 
serve it in its original impurity. The sewers, cesft^pook, 
Lauries, Wires, and Aldermen, must be swept -away to^ 
gether, and the Aldermen, in particular, be suffered to run 
through tlie sewers of neglect to the river Letho. 

There is no doubt that London is in a dangerous pesi- 
tion under the present regime; and it is melancholy to reflect 
that death should present himself to John Bull under the 
same circumstances as he did to the old man in the fable — 
viz., finding nothing with himimt a bundle of sticks. 


[Tub Puneh writers are evidently afraid of attacking Mr. 
Bunn, and as he has enjoyed a long^ period of tranouillity 
snaoe tho pUbUoaiiom o>Jf a certain ipaper, we hasten 
to present our readers with an article which Mr. Mark. 
Lemon was desirous, Allliaugh unable, to print in Pmnch^ 
that is to say. in the words of the Comic: IIiBt4iriaOy.4liat ^'ke 
wottld if lie eoald, b«t he couldn't. ''] 


Alfrgd the Little hafving heard imilkItude»of ploynMrs asking, 
liko the Athenians, fer " something now," has cone to the l»eiic- 
volent determination of opening Uorent Garden as a momis Of 
gr.itifving them. This, wc were informed, was his intention, 
when, to our great gurprise. wo discovered that the little manager 
and great pO(*t (" great heroes may be little men") was about to 
Open with AltnrUmia. Certainly tliis wa« no novelty, and then, 
what was worse, tho libretto woh by Fitzball and net by the A]M)Uo 
( of Vinegar ^'ard ). Obscne the modesty of the lyrist in commencing 
the season with tlie poetry of a rival. Wc arc forced to con^i^, 
with tho copy«book, that, in the present case, "modesty b plead- 

Perhaps, however, fi& tho noveltv i» not in the opera itself, we 
shall find some in the manner in w^ich it is performed. Possibly 
Mr. Harrison will be prevailed upon not to sing throngh his nose, 
and Mr. Bonani may te induced to vary the usual monotony of his 
vocalization . 

In any rose, however, we are glad to find that Bnrni is *' him- 
self again." We really did not know what had become of our 
favourite bard. At times we fiwicied we eoold trace his hand in the 
Mosaic advertisements ; at others we were conrinced that he had 
sworn allegiance to Taylor the poetical fishmonger. In the pre- 
sent dearth of lyrical talent, particuhu-ly when the Princess of 
Tennyson d<»t^s not appear " likelv to add to the reputation of tho 
author," it is consoling to know tliat Mr. liunn is up and stin-ing. 

In the meantime, let us oWrvc that Mr. Bunn's style — his 
pc^euliar and unique style — of prose remains unaltered. For in- 
stance, in one jwrtion of his programme, Mr. Bunn states, that 
" numerous /rra/iV* are pending, and, amongst o/Air*, an answer 
is daily ex|>ccte<l from llerr Pischek." Here the fertile imagina- 
tion of the poet has led him to iK-lrevc that "treaty" and 
"answer" mean the same thing. It is also announced that "the 
chorus will be augmented to an unusual extent." which makes us 
suppose that it will contain about four times the usual number of 
persons ; for wc remember that, when Drury Lane last opened 
under a poetical management^ tho chorus had just been doubled, 
while, during several previous seasons, "considerable additions 

had been made. " The orchestra, during the performance of Italian 
opera, consisted of from eighty to a hundri^ musicians. Wc find 
now that it is "on a givatly increased scale." Tmai^ination is 
evidently at work again. We are, moreover, informed that "it 
(the orchestra) has been entirely re-arranged." We ore sorry to 
hear (his, as we don't think it will be rendered a great deal better 
than it was under Costa's management. 

In conclusion, we must inic^ Mr. Bunn thai the public will 
not Im? contented until he, the poet (removed from Vinegar Yard), 
shall Ixavc produced another lyrical work. When a man is ftilly 
capable of contributing to the puUic entertainment, he should lose 
no opportunity of doing so. 


The i)rogranime of the arrangement at Covent Garden 
Theatre states that the orchestra has been selected from the 
best bands in London. The orchestra is certainly of a good 
description ; but when selecting from tlie best bands in 
London, we think the conductor might have chosen the best 
players instead of the worst, whicu in some cosea he has 
certainly done. 

Okoanic Affection of the Brain— A partiaKty for 
street- grinders. 

All Hot I— a '^flaming'' advertiser amraunees *'four 
fine for one penny." He is DoCkmrMst; for, had Cuffey 
succeeded, tlic whelc metropolis would have been burnt 
down for itotAtwgr / 

A BtTTBR Dbath— An *' Bseex" pmoning. 


Mr. Showman,— Ybo are, I am-aon r y t^say^ oBe^of^thosc who 
advocate what, in the Un^^of the ikj, mre «tJM lUieral ^^nions, 
but, in spite of this, I believe you are a gentleman ;mnd, therefox;, 
I tr«t that yoa will in .)«stiee to those you- «o<oiUii«tt«ck; give a 
phice in your journal to my letter. 

It is my proud boast that I aa an BagHsfanHn dTthf^ld^school, 
a tnw Jolm -Itell; smo^ ymn nodeni. be^mv«Ued ajMs, with a 
word or two of French and a sxristtering of •GeraMD, bit- ont of 
those who ««a lake tlwir three «r four betilesv after dianer^nd be 
■one the womefer it next day. Yoor -fine gentleaHui of the present 
e^ocb^coHlnits himself withapaltiy gUasortwo, wUcb Jie gdps 
down as if hew«« at a railwi^^taUon, in'ordcr thai- he may ••jom 
the ladies," and go and talk about Italian nusic, or some such 
humbug. What do I know of tiKse thiags ?— nothing *, or Our 
glortms. aneeKtors^— and yet they won tiie^inMaortal batUe-fields of 
(ixtscy and IViietiers. 

Now, Mr. Shown A^^' I bon^longviewediwith horror the pro- 
gress of yoer •so-called democratieal institntiong-^heTcoent innur- 
rection at Vienna, and flij^ht of Ilis Majesty the Emperor, show 
what they lead to--and it was, 4hepe(bpe, with great pleasore that 
I lately perceived we had still rctatiaed one custom of l^-gone 

In tho sentence Iate4y pronenneed by the Chief Justice of Ire- 
land, it is ordered, " that the prisoner be drawn on a hurdle to the 
place of exeeution, and he there hanged by the neck nntil he be 
dead, and that afVerwaids his head be severed ftt>mhis body, and 
his- body he severed into feorqearters.*' 

Now, if ministfTs really mean weUto thetr eomitry and wish to 
stop the further spread of revolutionary principles, let them make a 
■staiMi on this sentence. 

Let us immediately restore for the use of the rebels the Star- 
chamber— let us again build for them the raok — let us again pile 
up the ffres of Smithfield — let us once more slit up noses and 
cut, off ears, as in the time of good Queen Bess, of blessed 
memory. I wairant a few vigorous measures like these, would soon 
take away the taste fur revolt. 

And now that we arc on the subject, I think we might advan- 
tageously revive the custom of the Queen's touching people for the 
cure of scrofula and other complaints : it would increase the peo- 
ple's veneratit.n for Her Majesty, and, at so much a-head, would 
prove a pretty addition to the revenue — and, I am sure, would be 
quite as efficacious as Holloway*s ointment. 

In order to bo consistent, Mr. Showman, we nrast do one of 
two things : 

Restore the time-honoured practices I have just mentioned, or 
erase from the statute book tne present law as it stands against 
traitors ; and what true Englishman would ever think of that ? 

I remain, your obedient servant^ 

A LoYER OF Old Customs. 



EtgiUv, FUbU. 
Pretender ! — Thou art Krown giiij with succesii ; but, however 
tliOD mayst deceive the world into the belier that the title b; which 
1 ni1dTtG9 thee ia nndeBerved, me thou canit not blind. 

Beware how thoD otlcniplest to encircle Ay brow with tlw dk- 
deni 1 wore. It woiil<l crush thee beneath its weight. 

Tlie imperial mantle nhicb onoe wan thrown over me woald 
smntbi'r thee beneath iti Miia, and, hanging down from Ihr dwarf- 
ish stnlare. trail iEnominiiugly in the diut, after hiving &it bem 
djed anew in the heart'a-blood oT France's bravest eons. 
Pause, tbaUah man. in thv raah course, and reSect. 
They call mt the shade of Napoleon : what art tliou I 

To what doit thou owe tin 
designing men paj thee, as 
apes or geeta ) 

To a stra; ra; of the gbry with which I am enoircled blling 
npon thee. 

As for thy deed^ what are they ! 

Look at yonder bird, living do the garble of the ibambi^ of 
Boulogne, uid blush to answer. 

If indeed thou loveit l^rance — if thoa tndy wiahest ha pro- 

ittenr which BBthinkinx or 
OS lall down and woi^p 

migtit set h 
of millions. 

But iflhoQwilt not abandon thy deaigni from lore to France, 
do so out of regard for thine own Mietj. 

Even I fell, because I attempted to enthrall my country. The 
world knows my punishment— tW rocks of St. fidena can attest 
tion 1 felt il. 

Hod I. IwwcTer, inccecded, remember that the raven, on tiring 
lo imitate the eof^le, which it had seen earn off a lamb in its talons, 
remained snared in the wool of its intended victim, and became an 


Absurd Question. — Acorreepondent, whogtveBUimself 
the imnecesMiry trouble of telling ua he is a trro in naval 
matters, says, that he lately read that "II.M.S. Terrible 
v,-a.4 towed iuto Purtsmoutli bj tbe Adniiralty steam-tug 
Kclio," nod tvishee to be informed nrhctlicr the hutter is that 
alluded to by the poet iu tlie line — 

'MVlien Greek meets Greek then comes the tug of war." 

The Gre.^t SsA-SERrEM.— In bis letter to tbe Admiralty 
couceming the above monster. Captain M'Quhce says, "it 
hod no fins, but something like tbe mane of a bor«e." The 
latter, of course, must be a. briny maue. 

A Lame Plea. — A contributor, who must henceforth bo 
culled llic Philoctetes of the Pupfet-Show, has so injured 
liis fout that he is unable to walk. We can iufarm him that 
wcduu't care, and that he must get out nf his Aobblf the beet 

Ws are about to start an oraele. Propliebi and iaviailtle 
poets are gt;tting used up ; bcsidus wliicb, tbofunner confine 
iliemselvcs nMrrly to sporting mattora, and the latter to pre- 
dictions OS to whether the object of oue'e nffcctioiis will liave 
black or blue eyes, and as to the probabllitjr of tbe lutxsi 
one's head liein;: adorned with eaiTOts or tuiuipa. 

Our OTScle will bo of a more general nalnre, and «e sUall 
answer all gueetious, from tlie important one of " Who wUi 
be Prime Minister in tlie year IH'ril" to the insignificant 
(juery of " Who otole the donkey ?"— tlte mutton, or what- 
ever animal or article tbe genius and vulgarity of the gob- 
sulting party may suggest. 

The answen will be givtn in the regular Delphic style, 
of which it may be said, that ve coowder none other strictly 
genuine. A few aoolheayers will be also kejit on the pre- 
mises, and may be hired bv tJia job ur by tjie day. Prirata 
communications on the eutjoct wet« aent lound lut week to 
the nxonbers of tlie House of Commoiis, aud to all tbe cfiief 
ornaments of the Cburdi, the Bar, the Ptess, and the Stage. 
The result was, that many interrogations were recdied, and 
are now auswerad aa api>ears underneath : — 

Queiliim 1. (FioDi tbe Editor of the ^(A«m*)— Can jouldliiie 
who ii the BUlW of the ftitign ^f CrtaiUn r 

jlptmn—Ye*. we can [6W «« kvh'I do mfthmg nf tlu kimi\.' 

I, (From Ur. Bonn] — Sholl 1 Mwceed in the mougenent «f 
Cevent Garden Theatre t 

A. Ym; you bai'e ah'eady succeeded [/sr jmi Ibm uucntUd 
Mr. Dil<tftU, lit lain manager]. 

3. (From William Ilowitt)— If I wen to pobliihanewprogren 
work, would it have an enormous solet 

J. Yes, it would sell veiy largely [oww^ bU clut$tminigtrM\. 

4. (FrMn Mr. Uaddox}— Will Ur. Charka Braham he popular 
ai on operatic unger I 

A. let; we think tbe public will odminika finish of hiastng- 
mg amazingly [Mcy ulU be delighted vien Uty Aaar du tmt *fi^ 

6. (Frran Mr. Dliraeli] — HnvL' I any chaooe of beoaming 
Prime Hinister f 

A, Yes, most decUadly you have a <bUM [i. e., a sm-y &ad 

6. (From John Smith)— ^ have just bem serttely kicked 
How do yon advise meloreaent theiosultl 

A, Too most insist on hai'ing latiActiaa [tai il caa it ■> 
mt^faeliM te yoN ifyim gel Mini Ihrimgli lie litmd], 

* Tlie puMgH MwecD bnckcti. be It ottarti, are toi iiririlr use, 
and for fmura eipluiUkn, tluuld IhE ortck fff ti hava been nl bull. 
We bavc pnbtiibcd LUiin otdct to aiulcc«iM Uh pablic a> to wbUDurcoD- 
tribulor hu b«n ililisg, all of wtuLh ii uuuoc. — The SuswmjlH. 

We perceive from an adverti^ment that a Ur. M'Xally. 
the superintendent of Sosberville Uai'dens, lias been preaetitud 
with a gold watch, "as a testimony of their sense' of his 
ability aa a hortieulturiiit, and for liis great attention to the 
comforts of all who visit, &c., ice." We are informed that 
the lively apot was once an unsightly chalk-pit, nliich we 
suppose has now been turned to some advantage by an en- 
terprising milkman. The suiroundiiw land was also ei- 
ceedinglv banvn before the awout of Baron Natltan, and 
the whole scene is now seen to far greater advantage in con- 
sequence of the exertions of Jlr. il'Xally, Tlio testimonial 
was presented by Ur. Perkins, who, strange to say, delivered 
an address " composed expressly fur the occasion." This, 
after all, is not a mark of oitraordinary attention, for unless 
the superintendent of tbe gardens is roceiving testimoninls 
every year, it would be scarcely jtossible to compliment him 
in an oration of many years' standing. 

• tf«rv, WanlofScDiC. 

The papers slate that tbe Bradford i>olice ai« about to be 
serred out with cutlasses. If this is true, we consider it 
extremdy hard, after thur having escaped being itm^ out 
with pikes. 



Look ont — shake youfBelf in your oozy bed. Old Father 
Thames — the day is come when you must work double 
tides — hear double burdens. Every steamer which plios 
from Tcddington to the Nore is preparing for bard work ; 
every boat-builder on the banks is decking out ami 
scrubbing his fleet of wherries and funnies ; ercrr water- 
side taTem-keei>er, fhim the whitebait providers oi Black- 
wall to the eel-pie furnishers of Twickenham, is polishing 
Dp his dishes and setting his dining-room in order. The 
momin" sun is shining on sleeping London yet, but high 
noon wUl see yotn- brenst. Old Papa Thames, the highway 
for floating tliousands ! 

How many small, harmless gents of limited fortune 
are at this moment sitting upon their bedsides, purse in 
hand, counting the expense, and wondering for how much 
thev can take Sarah, or Mary Anne, or Charlotte Eliza- 
betn, decently down to Gravesend or up to Richmond. 
Unpleasant aeliberations are those of a private committoe 
of ways and means between you and yourself ! 

washerwoman not paid u 
the landlady since yesterday week. How coulJ I have 
promised to take Mary Anne on the river ! I dare say 
she 'U be wanting to go to Richmond — perhaps to tlie 
Star and Garter ; oh, I^rd— they charge you half-a-crown 
there for every time the waiter looks at you, and three 
and sixpence for every time lie don't. No, no — that's 
out of the question. It muit be Greenwich i if she 'd 
stick to shrimps and stout, the thing might be done ; but 
she 11 be for whiteb.iit and iced punch. It 'a quite clear 
I 'm a railed man. I can't appear stingy— I told Mary 
Anne I was a landed proprietor, with estates in Yorkshire 
worth five thousand a-year, and then to boggle at a shil- 
ling glass of bran dy-and- water — Lord, it would never do." 

And in the meantime Mary Anne is preparing to 
assume her part in the eii>edition. 

" I 'II wear out this satin body before I have any good 
of it — and these ribbons are so disgracefully dirty, I 
declare. I do think Mr. Uontnioruticy, with all his 
Yorkshire estates, might give me a new dress or a couple 
of muslins for the summer. But he is such a near crea- 
ture. I'm sure I don't see why 1 should keep company 
with him— I don't. However, I'll make him come out 
to-day — see if I don't. The Star and Garter, and eham- 
pEtgne, and salmon, and gome, and all that sort of thing. 
I '11 teach my gentleman. I only wish it was a week-day, 
and I 'd make him buy me half-a-doaeu French kid 
gloves. I 'm sure if I was a minute I was an hour at 
this old pair last night, with India-rubber and dte loaf 
that came in at tea-time. But never mind — I think 
Charley likes me ; and when we get his Yorkshire pro- 
perty—why then we 11 SCO what we shall sea ! " 

And thuuxand* ijiotc like Cliailej and Murv Anne are 

EL'eparing for tlio water. There are the HoiJums, from 
itllo Street, Bilherstoiw Street West, Boroudi, who 
arc going up to Twickenham in their neighbour Uie coal- 
mcrehanl'sboat. Mrs. Buffum has set up half theniglit 
cutting sandwiches for lunch; and Mr. Boffmu himseif 
has been to the wine-vaults at the corner for the bottled 
stout; and the small BoHums can't be induced to sleep, 
but keep starting out of their cribs before midnight, in 
consoQiience of gliastly dreams that they have been left 
l>china, and that an ogre in the appearance of a teacher 
of the Sunday School has come to fetch them. The 
Toralinsons, or Somers Town, a^ain, are bound for Heme 
Bay, by the early boat, and, in conscouenco, consider 
themselves as rather a nautical family, tliinking nothing 
of going down to the sea in s^ips ; while vast tribes, 
inhabiting dismal back suburban streets or grimy City 
lanes, oremancipated from counters in the great thorough- 
fares, console themselves witli visions of rutncy or Green- 
wich, or the still more humble haven of tlio Red House, 

Take, gentle reader, if you wish to see the Thames, 
on Sunday, in its perfection — take jour station upon 
Hungcrford Bridge, and watch the crowds embarking 
and landing beneath. First observe the crush on Iwaru 
the over-loaded swaying boats. They may talk as thev 
like of slavers in the mid-passage, of herrings in a barrel, 
of a carpet-bag with the luggage of a whole party of 
tourists atulfe<l iuto it, or of Uie last omnibus on a wet 
Sun<lay'B night from Highbury B^rn: but slavers, her- 
ring-curers, tourists, and conductors, could alike take 
lessons in packing from the genius of the commanders of 
tlie river boats. IIow many Charleys, Mary Anncs, 
fio&ums, and Tomlinsons, are jammed togothcr there — 
one black sweltering mass round the funnel — as boat 
after boat staggers off under its load to disperse the living 
cargo over the green banks above London, or in search 
of whitebait, Bhrimps, porter, and tea, through tlie 
taverns of Grecnwicli, Blackwalt, or Graveaend. 

And the small craft are as busy as the steamers. 
None of the club gigs are out. It would be infra ilij. on 
Sundays. But there goes a clumsy bctow-bridge wheny, 
weighed down astern by six fat women, and pulled by 
two men in thar shirt sleeves, and with clay pipes in 
thur mouths. Then come two or three funnies freighted 
by bawling parties of little boys who have clubbed their 
lienoiea, and who are continually getting in the way of 
steamers, or bang jammed up against the piers of 
bridges. The river yaelits are generally active, particu- 
larly between Brilh and Blackwall, the owi>ers steering 
in all the glory of caps with gold bands round them, and 
generally accompanied by ladies adorned with parasols 
of tremendously variegated colours. And so the after- 
noon and evening wear away. Steamboat stokers are 
done up and perspiring ; the landlords of river-side public- 
houses find their larders empty and their pockets full ; 
whole acres of cabbage have oeen puffijd away in the 


THE puppet-show. 

shape of Manilla cheroots ; the stewards of steamers see hut 
one pint hottle of stout lurking in the remotest comers of 
their pantries ; the proprietors of small boats stand anxiously- 
peering through the gloom, ex|)ecting the return of their craft ; 
while from every pier and landing-place flock slowly home- 
wards tired and jaded groups, the women with lunp bonnets 
and draggled dresses — the men, those at least who nave been 
rowing, with blistered hands and empty pockets. 


In the Times of the 12 th instant, the following gems shone 
forth in JSsculapian lustre. 

One who has the fatal doom of being an assistant, in 
order more effectually to gain a situation, announces that 
"he is of five years' standing." So far from this being a 
recommendation, we should look upon it as an obstacle, for 
his legs must have become as shaky as those of a cab-horse. 

Another publishes his desire of engaging a dispensing 
assistant. The dispensing he says *' is confined to nis own 
practioe, which comprises an Union." This is bad bait to 
Ddh with. A sailor might as well say, the voyages of my 
Tessel are confined to the Thames, which includes also tJbe 

A third is in want of an apprentice, " who would be 
treated as one of the family;" but as it frequently happens 
that one in the family is treated very ill, the deluded youth 
might probably meet with more kicks than halfpence, and be 
glad to decamp even with the forfeit of his premium. 

We hope the medical abilities of the advertisers are a 
little better than their literary ones. 


The members of th's flourishing institution (which but for 
its not paying its tradesmen and its smelling disagree- 
ably, would be a very attractive place) are about, we see, 
to nave some Readings from Shakspere by a popular lec- 
turer. This is a step in the right direction; and we are glad 
to see such an interest in letters manifested by the mem&rs, 
as to induce tbem to have somebody to read to them, which 
is, of course, the first step towards learning to read them- 
selves. We hope that people will be in attendance to explain 
the big words as the reading goes on ; and that Readings 
FROM PiNNOCK, and Nights with the London Primer, 
will follow at an eariy period. By-the-bye, while speaking of 
the Whittington, let us mention a very reprehensible practioe 
that some of the members have got into, of speaking about 
" the Club" in a swaggering manner, in the various places 
of public resort in town. This is done to delude hearers 
into the belief that " the Club" so tfvaggered $honU may 
be " Ihe Carlton," the *' Windham," or some other gentle- 
manly oBsoeiatiout 


Wb have observed an advertisement set forth by an indivi- 
dual named WiUiam Jenningham^.M.D., with the horrifying 
heading of 


Having thus used the strongest means to propagate the 
disease, by creating an unnecessary fear, he swells inunedi- 
ately into the philanthropist, and vociferates 


which indemnity is to be procured bv some filthy Persian 
preparation designated " Napthaline,* and dignified by the 
name of a ** Specific." The universal benefactor then an- 
nounces that it is vended in packets of is, (id. each. It is 
surprising how any sentient being can trifle with human life 
for the small emolument of half-a-crown. Every one is cog- 
mzsokt of the rapidity with which the cholera hurries throu^ 
its stages, and experience has proved that the ordinary means, 
if timdy given, are not only the most sensible but efficacious. 
If, however, the doctor [s *' Napthaline" is not superior to his 
cunning, the antidote is pitiful enough ; for he af^rwards 
tells us that all who have taken it have escaped the disease. 
How then has he ascertained that it is a ** Specific ?" for, 
if the people haye not yet been attacked, its value ^f it has 

any) has yet to be discovered. Surely the dogmatic graduate 
would not continually surfeit us with giant doses of his 
** Napthaline" for months, in anticipation of the worst ! 

Tiie fact is. Dr. William Jermingham, you are coining 
money from that prolific mint, the fears of the masses, ana 
while the Showman's laf^h flourishes over you, beware how 
you provoke him, or he will administer a n^icine even more 
severe than your '* Napthaline," intended for the martyrdom 
of a misguided people. 


Gentleman who is about to leave his present situation is 
desirous of a re-engo^ment as Secretarv to some Rail vay Company . 
His principles are of the strictest school of Agnewism, and Ue can 
be conscientiously recommended as a thorough bigot Refi^^noes 
ior intolerance given and required. Addr^, R. £. R., pmte 
rettante, Perth. 



Many persons aflect, after conmnitting a fault, to find con- 
solation — one by the way which we could never understand 
— in the reflection, that ** after all there was no one to blame 
but themselves." This is a common mode of relief amongst 
those who have trusted pesnle who have not tbe means of 
paying ; or have accepiea bills for men who have bolted to 
Boulogne. However, we must confess that in most re8|>ect- 
able classes there exists a species of independence which will 
not allow a man to confess himself the sole criminal in an 
action to which half-a-dozen other scoundrels have united in 
contributing their villany. If Jones be detected in a con- 
spiracy to defraud society by means of a nailway or any 
other soheaae, in oommon with a number of other men, there 
would probtibly be a great difliculty in indueing Jones to 
confess thAt he was me only guilty person ; that he had 
received no encouragement from his coufedeimtes ; and that 
their co-operation had in no way served to make him towards 
the object contemplated. 

But the ease is very different in WMtoeratic circles, and 
a very fair and. exceedingly disgraceful instance of this is to 
be found in Mr. Young s eomdpatory letter lately published 
in the London journals. 

Mr. Young, in conjunction with the leading Whigs, is 
proved to have had in contemplation that course of conduct 
which, at a subse<}uent period, it was Cuflfey's object to pur- 
sue. There certainly was this diflerence, that Young and 
the Whigs proceeded secretly and of their own free-wiUs, 
whereas Cuney and the Chartists acted, for the most part, 
openly, and partly at the urgings of the Govemnient spies 
wno ultimately betrayed them. 

.There may be a "statute of limitadons" to political 
crimes, as there is to civil debts ; but however this may be 
in die abstract, Cufley is sentenced to transportation for 
life, while Young is merdy called upon to publish a letter in 
which he confesses to have united in himself all the dishonest, 
treacherous, and rebellious intentions which a generous 
public had assumed to have been equally distributed amongst 
the Whigs generally. 

To Mr. Young such a confession may appear no disgrace ; 
a political hack has no very deUcate ieeltngs-yand Mr. 
Young is a Whig political hack. The publication of his 
letter, however, serves to re-impress the public with that 
beautiful truth which has been so long evident, that when- 
ever an aristocratic miscreant, or a body of aristocratic 
miscreants, commit crimes, there is always some secretary 
or attorney to be found who comes forward, in the most 
obliging and disgusting manner, to assure tlie public that he 
is the only rascal, that no other villain is the genuine one, 
and that the opposition Duke, Marquis, or £ari, whom 
^e papers wish to set up as a criminal, is m^^y a Tile im- 
postor. Whenever a Scotch Duke ejects his tenantry hy 
wholesale, some agent is always ready to take the whole 
blame upon his shoulders, and swear hard and fast that his 
master is innocent. In fact there is no crime, not involving 
immediate punishment, which an aristocrat may not commit 
without much blame, as long as their stewards are^ so ex- 
cessively obliging. 




Some very unprincipled wit (whose conduct we need not 
say excites our disgust) remarked some time ago that it 
was hiehly consistent that Albert Smith, the "literary" 
man, should be a dentist, as '* he had always lired by what 
he got out of other people's mouths ! "^ 

Peter Borthwick ("blue Peter," as he might well hare 
been called from his melancholy look some time ago) has 
been sent to Jamaica. Peter s pecuniary difficulties were 
notorioui^, but who will now hesitate to say, that he is " very 
well off?" 

. Jerrold's paper tells us that Ernest Jones occupies him- 
self in prison oy studying Greek. We are glad to learn that 
he is becoming a linguist. Hitherto we have heard nothing 
from him but very bod language. 

The Cape papers announce fresh outbreaks by the 
" Boers" at Natal. Sir Harry Smith is about to suppress 
them. What if Albert Smith emigrated to head the Boers ? 
His tactics as ** Bore-in- Chief " would bother even the hero 
of Aliwal. 

Accounts from Paris represent the vintage as abundant. 
We should think it ought to be, for the <iuantity of grape 
poured iuio the city from the artillery during the Jidy dis- 
turbances must Imve been considerabb. 

We have just seen an advertisement, calling attention to 
*' Portwine's Harbour of Refuge." We suppose this is no- 
thing more than an essay on lamp-posts and guttecs. 

' The proprietors of the Holbom Cacino hare been adver- 
tising a hal negligS, Let us hope that, at all events, the ball 
will not be negligi by the public. 

A briefless barrister assures us, that the design of the 
Irish rebels, once entertained, of carrying the judg^ to their 
fastnesses, was for the agricultural purpose of introducing a 
few black sheep into the mountains. 


The Timea has been making a great fuss about the 
Economist obtaining returns from the Board of Trade before 
the otlier journals. We hope that in this case the " large 
retm-ns " are not accompanied by " small profits." 

The French managers have recently resorted to the dodge 
of putting wooden "dummies" in tne boxes, to give an 
appearance of fulness to the house. We understand uiat the 
enterprising Bunn intends to engage Mr. Mark Lemop for a 
similar purpose. 

The Members of the Whittington Slap-bang have just 
brou^^ht out a stupid journal. "What is writ, is wnt;" 
but in the present instance it certainly won't be read. 

No Thoroughfare. — A gentleman much attached to 
Lord Brougham thinks that b^ is not so ill-favoured but he 
might pass in a crowd. We, however, think differently, as 
he nas lately proved his inability to do so in the ** press." 

Give Merit its Dce.— It appears since the Premier's 
accession to office he has had three Garters to dispose of. 
Shoidd His Lordship have another to spare, we suggest that, 
for the services he has received from Powell, he should bestow 
the blue ribbon on the blackleg. 


Air,—" The Pope he leads a happy l\fe.** 

Old Jones he leads a happy life, 
He never quarrels with his wife ; 
A nice snug property he owns — 
I wouldn't mind if 1 were Jones. 

And yet he is not happy quite ; 
The gout it makes him swear outright. 
The rheumatism racks his bones — 
I 'd really rather not be ^nes. 

Youn^ Johnson better pleasestne ; 
He 's m the best sodnty. 
Shakes lords attd ladies by the haAd — 
In Johnson's boota I d like to «tani. 

And, yet, I alm»8t «m afraid. 
For those «aae boots he 's neiver pmd ; 
He 's alTvwys eiat iwt Jones should coll- 
I 'd not be J^kmmm, after all 

Then here 's tofnettiy native self. 
My little siefA. of honest pelf. 
And, last, not ieast, that pride of 
My slender stove of British wine. 

And, when I ofn that British wine, 
1 11 fancy I with Johnson <<diiie ; 
And, wiran I get my diviiendfi, 
I '11 think I 'm one of Jones's frioids. 

A Precocious JwnBWiLE.— A gentlanan signing hunself 
H. P. of Bermondsey (after annouocing that he nas dis- 
oovered more spots on the sun) infonns tke editor of the 
Times that " he hopes to forward in a day or two some short 
account of the weather, which has been very changeable this 
month." It is a most remarkable coincidence that our errand- 
boy only a week or two ago absolutely made the very same 


We 'are certainly of opinion that the Austrian Diet must 
be about the most good-natured and credulous body in 
Em^pe. After the idiotic despotism of the Emperor of 
Austria, the bloodshed in w^ich it has resulted, ana the in- 
famous flight by wliich it has been followed, they are still 
found addressing him in terms of respect, and imploring him 
to return and babble once more in Vienna. 

Our readers are probably not aware, that the Emperor is 
literally an idiot — not merely in the sense in which the term 
is applied to the Chartists or the Whigs, but in a medical 
point of view. This makes it the more extraordinary that 
the Diet should be so courteous to him, and offer him any 
asylum but an idiot asylum in the country which he has 

Let our readers fancy the following scene taking place at 
a Cabinet Coimcil, on his return : — 

Scene. — Council Chamber, 
Emperor, with Keeper, Nurses, Sfc, ; Ministers in attendance, 

IST Minister {coaxing). Will its little Majesty please look at 
its pretty little Constitution? 

Idiot. Tuck, tuck, tuck ! 

Nurse (wiping away the froth from the Idiofs lips). Hush, hush, 
cat pretty cake ! Does he like its Constitution, then, pretty ? 

Idiot {kicking). No, no ! 

Reefer {sternly). Quiet, then ! [ Idiot howls, 

[A noise is heard in the distance, firing of cannons, 4^.] 

Minister (alarmed). May it please you — 

[ Enter Mob, ] 

The Idiot runs of, howling, the Keeper after him. The Minister 
is hanged. The Diet writes to implore the Idiot to return, 





'■ I guess it 's cUy," he spoke. 

And coolly with his boirU 

Gave the poor god a poke. 

The third removed a quid. 

Brought down his stick the neck im. 

And calm, the crash amid. 

Observed. " So-ehalK I reeko» .'" 




igence hoe reached us from the mannfaeturing 

hich would be rather alarming were it not utterly 
" mills " were stopped lost week .by the police. 

om considerable discontent prevails. In one caae 
, and two pairs of (boxing) gloves, were tlirown 

ovmcnt. Several of the persons interfered with 
the authorities, who were m some cases obliged to 

engagement with them; and the latter accord- 

1 themselves in Eituations— end rather unp)«isaDt 

er than they had anticipated. 

■0 not heard that the rates of wages have been 

It is understood that the allowances arc the 

fore, except that very little allowance is mode far 
ible condition of some of the artisans. TIm 

1 alloOTanee ' ' we believe to be the popular kind of 

1 many districts where masters have made a o«i- 

icrease in the proportion of kicks over coppeta. 

'Out (from a public<house) took place last week at 
der-Lyno, in consequence of awkwardneu on the 

nan oi a lactory-man, and incapacity to pay his leekoaing. 


I-SDioNAKT that the Old 

many more oaths than ware requisite before the prisoner was 

Should beat the New World hoUow 

We were also infonned that there was an eztenuTe turn- 

In art, a Yankee bold 

out in another port of the country ; but, upon inquiry, 
found it to be only that of Count D'Orsay. which bad been 
sent down by rml for the use of its master.; 

Once purchased on Apollo. 

Ottbe renowned " antique" 


A copy 't waa in plastei^ 

(I'he work of which we apeak 


Is hj on unknown master). 


The cast was safely packed, 

" What sliall we say poor LoDis is ?" — 
A blot upon his uncle's race— 

Then sent ou board a packet. 

And reached New York uncracked. 

A pimple on a noble face, 
DisfiKuring the phii ?— 

A feather from an eagle's wing. 

That never by ilseff can fly. 

As nothing chanced to crack it. 

'T wna landed on the quay 

That everv breeze about will fling, 
'Midst laughter of the passers-by ? 

In perfect preservation. 

And quickly as might be 

Adorned its destined station- 

" What shall we say poor Looa is ?"— 

Within a public hall. 
Where free-bom speculators 

A proud tree's branch that won't bear fruit— 

A toadstool trying to take root 
Upon a hero's grave ? — 

A fragment from a heavenly sphere. 
Cast from itt noble mass of light 

In slaves were .->pt to call 

To fall by coarse attraction here. 

Three eritics of this race. 

And lie, a nameless aerolite? 

Receiving timely warning. 

Called at the lery place. 


To smoke and spit, one morning. 

" What shall we say poor Lodis is ?" 
In vain the question you may ask — 
To answer is a hopeless task. 

And human wit surpasses. — 
Indeed 1— Well, as his micle, then. 

" I calclate wood," quoth one. 

And rapped it with his knuckle ; 

Cried number two, " Say done. 

Was the Napoleon of men. 

And wager," with a chuckle. 

So he's the Bovaparte of nases ! 






Some apology may be tbooffht necessary for introducing so 
serious a sumect as tlie chofera into so humorous a publica- 
tion as the ruppBT-SHOW^ ; but as its awful character has 
not prevented its commentators from committing folly, there 
is no reason why it should deter us from chastismg them. 

The manner in which the authorities have endeavoiu^ 
to ward off the evils of cholera has been — 

1. By assuring the public Uiat fear of the cholera is in itself 
likely to bring on the disease. 

2. By publishing documents calculated to excite fear. 

We must, however, do the newspaper proprietors the 
justice to say that they attempted to frignten the public, not 
into an attack of the cholera, but, which is almost as bad, into 
buying their journals. Like the "progress writers," who 
press towards their "object** without reference to the fatal 
means (such as bad taste and style) which they may make 
use of, so the journalists urge the sale of tneir papers, 
perfectly heedless of the consequences which may be brought 
about by such announcements as "The Cholera's come!'* 
"The restilence is in London!** (see the Polyhumbuy of 
this day). 

The greatest nonsense connected with the cholera is the 
"diet tables*' which have been published, and which may be 
divided into the following classes : — 

1. Those which recommend the poor to take fish, meat, and 
light puddings, with plenty of carriage exercise : forming the " im- 
possible" class. 

2. Those which recommend the consumption of certain articles 
of food (mentioned in Ihe most precise manner) which are in daily 
use : forming the "useless" class. 

3. Those which recommend the abstinence from anything which 
may be a pi*eventive against indigestion : forming the "preposter- 
ous" class. 

We have seen two diet tables, of which one commenced 
with "above all avoid oysters,*' and the other terminated 
with " you may eat as many oysters as you like:*' therefore, 
in order that the public may not be confused by such duxic- 
tions, we, the Suowman, beg to present them with 

THE showman's OmS DIET TABLE. 

On rising at nine — ^A cup of oifte. 

At eleyen — Chom, kidneys, gaasa^es, broiled ham, herrings, and 
pole ale. (Eggs and bacon to be studiously avoided. ) 

Immediate!;^'' before dinner — One dozen df oysters, and a glass of 
pale ale. (Avoid eating steaks at this period, as you will probably 
lose your appetite. ) 

At six, dinner — Vermicelli soup, Jiktt de sole, eels d la tartare, 
fricandeau, grouse, omelette aux ahricott ; almonds and raisins, 
grapes, walnuts, olives ; chablis, champiigne, lieiinitage, port. 

Another sort of dinner — Tur tie-soup, salmon, outlets, haunch 
of venison, cabinet puddings ; port and iberry. 

After dianeF — Tiiqatiirs, cofSs^ oigws. 

Supper — Oytlers^aad Guinness's^toui. 

Time of^oiag to bed — As aeon as you feel sleepy. 


Wb proved most satisfactorily in our last number that the 
great lights ^ advertising science appeared to be quite put 
out ; that placards had stuck in the same place where tliey 
were fifty ^eears since ; and that advertising vans were at a 
complete stand-still. Let it now be our province— or, as the 
French would say, our department — to seek a remedy for 
the stagnation in which alt advertising affairs appear to be 

In the last century, pickpockets were almost always 
attired in the costumes of the lower classes : at present, they 
affect a superior appearance. We have no friends in the 
profession, and therefore cannot speak so decidedly as we could 
wish; but it is reported that the members flourish much 
more in paletots and patent leather boots than in fustian 
jackets and velveteen trowsers. 

Why not also raise tiie character of the bill-sticker (that 
is, the man who walks about covered with announcements), of 
the drivers of advertising vans, and of the advertising vans 
themselves ? 

Mrs. Gore and almost all our pantomime writers have 
done their best for certain of the West-end tradesmen, by 
introducing them on the stage, that Harlequin may jump 
through their shop-windows, the clown steal their goods, ana 
the pantaloon fall down their areas. Why not write farces, 
melodramas, and operas, in which the whole interest should 
turn upon registered articles of various tradesmen ? A farce 
called ** Nicholl's Paletot" would be sure to have a run ; 
while a melodrama entitled ** HoUoway's Ointment," and 
a tragedy under the name of ** Betts* British Brandy," 
woulahave equal chaaees of success. 

This system of dramatic advertising would, moreover, be 
of far greater advantage to authors than might at flrst 
api)ear. While some managers consider ten or twelve pounds 
to oe BufHcient remnneration for a force- writer, other trades- 
men would, doubtless, lavish on him those siuns of money 
which are, under the present baneful system, expended in 
procuring admission to ihe columns of the Times, A person 
who pays ten pounds per day for advertising in a news^>aper, 
would, doubtless, give £ve pounds per night to have hunself 
puffed in a farce at the Lyceum. 

But not only dramatists, novelists also be put und^ 
contribution. *' Villa Messina; or, The fiarl of Aidborou^h 
Preserved," would be a capital title ^ a romance m 
AintwortK9 Magtizine ; and an autobiofci^hy of the " Bad 
Leg of Fififeeen Years' Standing," with vacious naeeatives of 
the diffecflBt modes of treatment adopted ^towards the leg, 
might be made valuable as a tale of thrilling iutm it, and 
invaluable as a work of medical experience. 

In conclusion, me h^ leave to offer oar aerviees to trades- 
men desirous of hsuing tales, noveb, drromafieefi ; farces, 
melodramas, or tragedies made up, in vrhiish tiie interest 
shall turn on -ike merits of their respeotive goods. Next 
week, by way^^f specimen, we hwit to present our readers 



A Swell of the Fbwt WATraL--uii8t week the 
Thames rose so very high tbat it occasion0d!Mrtoiift mischief. 
We suppose it could contain itaelf no longer at the insults of 
the City sewers. 

NoTiiiKG WoNDERPCL.— It is Stated that the Emperor 
of Austria looked very ill as he passed throag:h t^t«n. This 
no doubt was his *' indisposition" to be J^okied from the 


We perceive that Mr. Albert Smith hAs lat^ come out as 
an agriculturist, at Chertsey. He addressed the mob upon 
the soil and its products, and actually threatened to become 
a useful member of society. However, it is quite ceitain 
that, for the time, he laid down the cap and buls, Mad took 
up the spade and the plough. Lst us h<ype tliat he will 
renotmce authorship, and turn his pen into a pfwni^-hook. 
Unfortunately there ware no r^rters present when 
Smith's virgin oration was deliverea; but we imagine it 
muat have been something of the following description : — 

'* I know very little — {Hear, hear) — I know very little about 
the 'turf,' exoq>ting as fai* as I have been able to learn something 
of it at -Epaoni. I shall uot attempt to * harrow ' your feelings by 
reUtii^ what are its usual products. It would * rake up * too many 
painM associationp. Suffice it then to say, that, in spite of ^hak 
sWcrht connexion I ma3^ have had with it. I at present * hoe ' nothing. 

it, I at present 

( O/i, #&. ) .1 shall not say anything about the diaeaiiew of sheep, 
wbieh I believe in ereneral to be all *rot* As far as soil is con- 

i, I may say that I hope there is none on the characters of any 
here presents (^t^^a/ioji) ; and I freely confess that I am quite 
iipiorant--(^Mr, /rear)— of any 'mould' except the * mould of 
(orm/ which, in conjunction widi the 'class of rashion,' is alluded 
to in the pages of a slow writer named Shakspere. I have no idea 
— {Hear, hear)^l have no idea of what the 'rotation of crops* can 
possibly mean. I understand that a person — either a Roman or a 
Greek — once lived who was named Ce-crops ; but this does not lead 
me to any satisfactory result, and I am, therefore, ioclined to be- 
lieve that the plu'ase ' rotation of crops ' refers merdy to periodical 
hair-cutting. He could not say what sort of a mangle mangel- 
wurzel was. {Great interruption, during which the speaker sat 
down among the sneers qf the populace,)** 



Extraordinary Genbrositt. — It has been wisdy re 
marked that Mr. C. Cochrane is the most generous man of 
th^ day, tor in-tead of being free with his monev aUme, he 
will Itmd himxelf to any absurdity wliich may l3e started. 
This, however, shall not prevent him being paid-off on every 
sucli occasion by the Pcppkt-JShow. 

ToL'cniNO. — An agricultural friend of ours is such an 
admiivr of uniqueness and propriety that when he has a hog 
** rung" he always has the rinff made of ** pie iron." 



Wb perceive that Mr. W. B. Jerrold has been let loose in 
the columns of the Illustrated London Neves, and is making 
a disagreeable hubbub with something which he calls the 
Progress of a Bill, It bears the ** stamp** of absurdity 
throughout, and has been dishonoured and protested against 
in all classes. We are sorry to see that Mr. Jerrold is falling 
off from the mediocrity which has characterized his former 
productions, and we are much afraid that the only ** pro- 
gress" of the affair in question will be from the printing- 
office to the waste-paper shop. 


"The litti^e TnEATRE in the Hatmarket" has once more 
thrown open its doors ; Mr. Webster has commenced his winter 
campaiun ; and, trae to his motto of "legitimacy," selected Romeo 
and Jid'cl as his opening piece. 

That Mr. Webster (Rd this without a stniggle, the Showmax 
will never believe. Ifr. Webster is aware that the character 
of Romeo requires to be supported by a tragio actor of at least 
a m'Klt'rate degree of ability, and he has by for too keen a 
perception of the ridiculous ever to place Mr. Creswick in 
that class. Unluckily, however, Mr. VVebster has raised a loud 
outcry al^out le^^itlmacy, and consequently he is now obliged to 
sacrifice to the idol lie has set up. We trust, however, that this 
state ol things will not last long. It is a sa^l necessity to own one's- 
self in the wrong, but the SuoWMAN is afraid that in this case 
there is no help for it. The struggle between interest and amour 
profTe in Mr. Webster's breast may perhaps continue some little 
tune longer, but, unless Mr. Webster has resolved to give Slink- 
sptre's plays — with Mr. Creswick, of course, as the hero — merely 
from phiWthropical motives, and to diffuse a taste for works of 
higli art among the different cksses of society, he will soon be glad 
enough to put his pride in his pocket ; at any rate, he won't put 
anything else there if he does not. 

Miss Laura Addison, who appeared for the first time at this 
theatre in the character of Juliet, has already become almost as 
great a favourite at the West-end of the town as she formerly was 
at Sadlers' Wells. Miss Laura Addison is possessed of much real 
talent, and if she will only persevere in her endeavours to improve, 
and recollect that, whatever variety may be, monotony, especially in 
Uie voice, it anything but charming, she will in time become an 
aooomplished and captivating actress. 

It has lately been the fiMtiion in Parliament and other places, 
when any gentJeman may have happened to have been accused of 
incapacity for the post he was filling, or of receiving public ihoney 
to which he had no possible claim, to prove that this could not be 
the case, as some Hon. Member present had oflen had the pleasure 
of dining with the gentleman in question, and had always found 
him an excellent companion ; while another Hon. Alcmber had 
frequently ridden across the oountrv with him, and never known 
him to dinch a hedge. It is on this principle that Mr. Webster, 
doubtless, selected Mr. Creswick to play Romeo. Mr. Creswick, it 
is true, is ungraceful in his action, he is outrageous in his rant, 
and wrong in his conception ; but he is, probably, a most amiable 
&ther, or a loving broiner— can dress salad in a pectdiarly excel- 
lent manner, or brew superb milk punch — and, therefore^ has every 
requisite for playing Romeo. 

In the after-pieces Mr. Keeley and Mrs. Keeley liave, of course, 
been setting the honse in a roar as usual ; and the Showman can 
assure Mr. Webster that the farce of Spring Gardens is not a tittle 
less amusing because it does not happen to be strictly legitimate, 
but only an adaptation of the French piece Le Cabinet de Lustucru. 
At Covent Garden and the Princess's respectively, we liave 
had, amons^ others, the debuts of MissWallace and Mr. Brahani, junior. 
Both the lady and gentleman were received with marked favour, 
and made a most favourable impression on the public The Bow- 
man, however, intends to reserve his own verdict until some later 
period, when he may have a little more room for his arms and legs, 
and be able to pronounce the said verdict without incurring the 
charge of having oeen packed — very closely — the night he did so. 


** Louis Blaxc was seen last week at the Casino." 

Such is the information which was brought to our office 
by a man who was evidently an emissary of Guizot's, and 
anxious to prejudice the public mind against the great 
Socialist. vVc, however, who know more of Louis than 
would bo imagined, are in a position to state that he attended 
the dancing establishment m question not for purposes of 
mere amusement, but in order to gain additional materials 
for his great plan of "labour-organization,** as the affected 
writers of nseudo- German nonsense would soy. 

How the Louis Blanc principles are to be applied to the 
Casinoites we are unable to say, but we suppose the result of 
his observations will be embodied in something of the follow- 
ing nature :— 

1. No gentleman to drink two sherry-cobblers as long as there 
is any one present who has not had one. 

2. All sherry consumed in the course of the evening to be 
divided eoually amongst those present. In case intoxication should 
be deemed essential by the majority, it will be necessary that every 
person shall get drunk at the same period ; but, as a slight difficulty 
occurs from the fact that the same amount of sherry win not produce 
the same effect on all individuals, this pomt must be reserved for 
ftiture consideration. 

3. No **lRdy" shall be allowed to dance a greater number of 
times than any other *' lady." The lame and ugly will th«s enjoy 
the same advantages as the gracefid and handsome, and universal 
happiness will be the result. 

4. Comic and other writers shall not be allowed to pass in with- 
out pavinsr more than once in the season. The free admissions, 
instead of being confined to'** gentlemen of the press," shall be 
distributed equally amongst the habitues, and the above result will 
be the consequence of the admirable arrangement. 

5. Enormous sherry-cobblers shall be provided in gigantic 
cisterns by means of universal subscriptions. These shall iS at the 
service of any who may enter the Casino, and large trusses of straw 
shall be procure<l, in order that there may be unbounded fiuiility in 
imbibing the said sherry-cobblers ; and this, in spite of a certain 
person, f who once gave it as his deliberate opinion tlmt a sherry- 
cobbler was not worth two straws. 

• N. B. A fact. 

+ The Showman. 

Awful Condition of the IIiGireR Orders. — An un- 
known correspondent, whose fashionably ungrammatical 
stjrle and illegiole handwriting proclaim him to be the scion 
of some noble house, writes to inquire whether it is quite fair 
that while the Showman is continually crying out that 
the poor hare nothing to do, he should studiously conceal 
the fact that some of the leading members of the aristocracy 
are in a precisely similar predicament, and almost dying of 
ennui in consequence. 


Mb. Thomas Young haa been trying to prove that he was 
not a traitor, by asserting that he was a fooL This may be 
all Terjr well, and will be readily beliered by Young's firiends, 
but it IS but a lame excuse after all. When a domestic animal 
commits a fault we whip him, though aware that he is with- 
out reason. Little boys are not allowed to play with edged 
tools ; and Young, having played with treason firebrands, 
must be punished accordingly. 

The whig dodge now is, to assert that Melbourne was 
not aware of his Secretary's communication. This much is 
certain, however, that Young was in his confidence ; and how 
could he know that the rebel commission was to have been 
^iven to Napier, unless he had heard it on authority ? And 
IS it likely he would have even speculated on such a subject 
to so distinguished an officer, had he not been aware that 
there were grounds for such speculations ? At all events, 
Melbourne must be answerable for the acts of his Secretarv, 
as a man who chooses to keep a monkey, must pay for the 
damage he does. 

General Napier has been blamed for publishing the letter; 
but if an impertinent inferior chooses to write a dangerous 
letter, he has no right to demand the secrecy which only an 
honourable communication can claim. If Cuffey sends a 
gentlemau a treasonable letter widi the trowsers he has been 
repairing, the gentleman, of course, is justified in handing it 
over to the Bow Street authorities, lo conceal a criminid 
letter, is to become accessory to the crime. 




Chapter VIII. — The Return. 

On reachinff Richmond, which they did about 6 p.m., Mr. 
Augustas Philips and his party found that celebrated place in 
a state of great excitement. The reason of this was that 
the Grand Amateur Regatta, in which the celebrated Royal 
Richmond Muff Club played the principal part, had been 
appointed to come off tnat afternoon. Several races of minor 
importance had already been contested; but the grand heat 
for four-oared cutters was still undecided, and this Mr. Bag- 
ster determined he would stop and see. The boat was ac- 
cordingly brought up close along shore, and the party once 
more disembarked. 

The scene was a most animated one. The shore and 
bridge were thronged with spectators, while the river was 
literally covered wim boats of all descriptions. Among these, 
not the less prominent, were the wager-boats of sundry young 
^ntlemen, whose principal characteristic seemed to be that 
tney were not exactlj" decided as to what they meant to do. 
For instance, you might first remark one oi them pulling 
towards the bridge, as if his life itself depended on his speed : 
when he had arrived under one of the arches, he would suddenly 
back water, stop his irail craft, and remam for some minutes 
resting on his scull§ and looking at the knees of his trowsers, 
immersed in profound thought, and, of course, never for an 
instant harbouring the idea that any one had been looking 
at him or admiring his pulling : then all of a sudden he would 
turn his boat's nose round, ana start off at a most tremendous 
pace in the opposite direction, as if he had forgotten some- 
thing or other somewhere, and must ^o and fetch it as quickly 
as possible. In order, no doubt, to fiU up the vacuum created 
by nis absence, the Committee, which tor aught we know to 
the contrary consisted of a gentleman with a pencil and 
pocket-book taking notes of something very diligently, was 
pulled about in a sort of small barge containing a band of 
music. It is true that there was at times some want of haimony 
in their performance, but that was more than compensated 
for by the great dignity of the Committee aforesaid, and the 
vast importance with which he took the notes, also aforesaid. 

While Mr. Bagster was thinking how long it might pos- 
sibly be before the grand heat was decided, he was accosted 
by an individual disagreeablv conspicuous by an eyenglass 
and a drawl. This person, whose name was Algernon Tape, 
having at the death of his father, an old attorney, come into 
a large property, immediately threw the office overboiuxl, and, 
determining to devote himself to fashionable pursuits, had, in 
consequence, become very aristocratic and select. " Ah ! 
my dear Mr. Bagster," said he, ** this is indeed an unex- 
pected pleasure — i am glad I have met you ; I can show you 
some ot our crack men. Look there,'* he continued, point- 
ing to a young gentleman with eves like a wax doll and a 
h^ of hair to match, " that 's Kullock.*' 

" Oh ! " replied Mr. Bagster. 

** Yes, *' continued Mr. Algernon Tape. ** Of course 
you Ve heard of Rullock — Smythe Rullock." 

" I can't say I have," replied Mr. Bagster, with a deep 
sense of his ignorance. 

" Good gracious ! not heard of Rullock — why, he 's our 
head man — pulls stroke in the Muff boat. I '11 introduce you 
after the race. But you must not stop here — ^you must come 
up in the Castle Gardens — there are nothing but Snobs here — 
really, since we 've had the railroad, we 've been swarmed by 
them — they 're like locusts. All the decent people in Rich- 
mond, those of any family I mean, are disgusted ; we should 
emigrate to-morrow, if we only knew some spot whither these 
canaille would not be sure to lollow." 

" Why don't you choose Salisbury Plain ? " asked the 
Pilot. " No one would disturb you there, I should say, un- 
less it were a stray zoologist in search of specimens of die 
baboon Uibe." 

Mr. Algernon Tape looked round and had a great mind 
to knock the Pilot down ; but as the latter look^ quite as 
sternly at Mr. Algernon as Mr. Algernon at him, he had a 
still greater to leave him alone, which he accordingly did, and 
contented himself with leading the way to the Castle Gar- 

Aft^ the grand heat had come off— in which, by the 
way, the Muff crew lost, although Mr. Rullock proved most 

satisfactorily that they ought to have won, and that tlioy 
undoubtedly would have oone so, had their opponents not 
happened to take the lead and keep it — Mr. Bagstar would 
have immediately set off, but the Pilot and Mr. Probe were not 
to be found ; and it was not until the lapse of another hoar 
that they were seen to emerge from a tobacconist's shop at 
the comer of the Royal Terrace. 

It was now so late that several of the party proposed re- 
turning by land ; this was, however, overruled, and mey onoe 
more set out towards London. 

They had pulled along very slowly as far as Eew, in 
order to have the full benefit of the tide, which they expected 
would turn about that place, so that when tiiey arrived iheace, 
it was about half-past eleven. 

On passing beneath the centre arch of the bridge, the 
boat went so near that the oars of Messrs. Philips and 
Probe came with great violence against the pier at one end, 
and at the other against their breasts, throwing both of them 

I' Halloa! coxswain," cried Mr. Augustus, getting up 

" Halloa I " responded the scarlet-clad professional, 

''Keep a sharper look-out another another tifiie, vrill 
you ? — that was rather a near shave." 

" You 're a pretty chap, you are, ain't you ? " said the 
coxswiEiin, combining the benefit of question and answer in 
the same phrase, and speaking in a very thick and indistinct 
manner. ** You 're a-goin' to lam me my business, I sup- 
pose. You go and mind your six-and-eightpences, and leave 
this 'ere to me." 

It was now most evident that the coxswain was intoxi- 
cated. The fact is, he had mana^^ed to secrete, and after- 
wards graduaUy to empty, three bottles of port, which he 
had found in one of the hampers. 

The ladies now became seriously alarmed, and the &ahion- 
able parson, to judge from appearances, not less so. Mr. 
Bagster summoned the delinquent coxswain to resign ^e 
helm to him ; but as that individual reftised and contented 
himself with abusing Mr. Bagster, instead of acceding to his 
wishes, a scuffle ensued, at the imminent risk of capsizing the 
boat ; and while they were in the midst of it a grating soimd 
followed by a violent shock, which sent all the comoatants 
rolling in one conftised mass one over the other, procliumed 
in an unmistakeable manner tJiat they were aground. 

" Shove her off, sir," said Mr. Bagster, panting from lus 
unaccustomed gladiatorial exertion. " Shove her off, you 
vagabond ! " 

" Wagabond yourself." retorted die coxswain. ** I ain't 
a-going to shove ner off; ' and as a proof of the sincerity of 
what he said, he turned quietly over on the spot where he 
had just been pitched and composed himself to sleep. 

'* Come, gentlemen," said Mr. Bagster, who, like all great 
men, grew energetic with the occasion, ** we must shove her 
off ourselves, then, for we can't let the ladies stop here at 
the risk of their being laid up with the rheumatism." And 
with these words he jumped out, up to his knees in water, 
on the shoal which was the cause of their misfortune. The 
other gentlemen, even including the fashionable parson, who 
could find no means of escaping, instantly followed. 

It is not our intention to describe all the efforts made to 
dislodge the boat and set her once more afloat. Suffice it to 
sajr, that after half- an- hour's unintermitted exertions, tiie 
affair was abandoned as hopeless. The gentlemen, conse- 
quently, re-embarked, and commenced hallooing in a manner 
which might have awoke the dead, until their cries attracted 
the notice of some lighterman or other, who put off to their 

Mr. Augustus alone had not joined in the general cry. 
During the conftision he had ghded unremarked round to tne 
stem of the boat, where Harriet now sat quite alone, unmo- 
lested by the fashionable preacher, who was far too much 
occupied with his own uncomfortable plight to think any 
more of her. Seizing hold of her hand, which was placea 
listlessly on the side of the boat, Mr. Augustus commenced 
poiuing forth a fervent tale of love, shivermg up to the arm- 
pits in water all the time he did so. 

Ere he half came to an end, he was aware he had caught 
a most avrful cold — but what cared he for that ? To his ques- 
tion, ** Do you love me in rotiuru ? " had he not also caught 
the sweet answer, " Yes ! " 









And yc shall walk in silk attire." 

The following unpoetical pastoral is much more than ** fotmded on 
fact,*' and, if the reader snould imagine that it is all true, there 
are numbers of the inhabitants of the town of Dundinim who have 
many reasons, and s«mc of them sufficiently bitter, for entertaining 
the same impression. 

Ijord O'Lejggins, ft lord of the bedchamber, or in waiting, or 
something of that li%fa perfume, strnyuig like a fine essence A a at 
Her Majesty's Court, is also the landlord of some e%)it hBnfa8«l or 
a thousand broad octm in the county of TTppctaf^, F«r y«ars 
there was no part of Ireland more disturbed than this noble peer's 
estate, and the county on its bsrd^rs. Houses wete brdtea open — 
fire-arms plundered — tenants miwdered. It was, in fact, a g««l 
fair specimen of an Irish absentee's mismanaged estata» AU this 
continued for some years, without an^ knowledge on the part of 
the public at large of the causes in which it originated. At length 
the secrets of Dundrum — the name of the noble O'Leggins' estate 
and mansion — burst into the light, and then it was discovered that, 
during all the period that ontn^ and violence had been practised 
by the people, the system of extermination was unceasingly at 

After due investigation, it was impossible to avoid the conclusion 
that Lord O'Leggins had evicted from his estates not less than two 
hundred a»d Ji/ty-eight families, which, at the Irish average of six 
to each family, would present the wretched picture of some fifleen 
hundred human beings driven forth to absolute and unsheltered 
destitution ! 

We do not intend to intimate that Lord O'L^^ginsor his agents 
committed any breach of the law in acting in this manner. Every 
step, no doubt, bmtal as it might be, was only taken '*asthe 
law du^ects." The outrages and murders which followed were (in 
Ireland) the natural consequences. 

A word or two in attestation of the condition of the peasantry, 
before we proceed with the cruel, yet richly absurd, story which 
has just come to our knowledge, and which is now made public for 
the first time. 

The destitution which pressed so heavily in 1846 and 1847 
upon Tipperary (the food-blight having fallen with peculiar severity 
upon the richest lands) had visited the estate and neighbourhood of 
Dundrum with almost unequalled devastation. The people were 
reallv starving there and in the. vicinity. 

Will not tne reader ask if the noble lord had done nothing to 
alleviate the misery of his tenantry anrl neighbourhood ? You shall 
hear that something his lordship did do, and what it was he did first. 

On the 16th of April, having been relieved from his "silk attire " 
andlM)winp^ attendance upon Her Majesty, Lord O'Leggins visited 
his estates in Tipperary. His tenantry were nearly as delighted to 
see him as if he nad been a cargo of Indian meal, for they made sure 
that the arrival of tJie landlord at such a juncture was but the pre- 
cursor of the arrival of food. His lordsh ip remained just three days in 
Tipperary, leaving Dundmm on April tne 19th for London. Imme- 
diately on his dej^ure notices were served by his bailiffs upon the 
tenants to come in forthwith and pay the rents fulling due the previous 
November. The tenants said, Surely his lordship would not be so 
exacting as to demand rent at the present moment ; they would pay 
it if time were allowed, but they had nothing left now except a few 
black potatoes, and not many even of those. The bailiiTs reply 
was (and this is stated on the authority of the Freeman*s Journal), 
" What the d — / do we care about you, or your black potatoes ; it was 
not us that made them black. You will get two days to pay the rent, 
and if you don*t, you know the consequences P* 

It IS but justice to Lord O'Leggins to say that he mi^ht have 
been under tiie impression, from the declarations of M inisters in 
Parliament, that the state would have undertaken to protect the 

ale from impending famine ; and, like many other Irish land- 
I, he might have reasoned — that while tenants had anything 
remaining which a landlord could take, that was the best time for 
him to press his ohdms. 

'\*And was not this a dainty lord 
To bow before the Queen ?" 

But now comes the second act of this unique little pastoral — 
which alternates the squalor of an Irish village, with the splendour 
of a London palace. 

Lord O'Leggins went back to court just in time to hear Sh* 
James Graham's and Sir Bobert Peel's declarations that the Irish 
landlords would be expected to contribute in the first instance to 
relieve the distress ana famine amongst the people — that it was a 
duty they owed society, and that they must discharge it ! 

Lord O'Leggins was thunderstruck ! If a scent-bottle had 
exploded at his nose he could not have felt more unmanned. You 
might have knocked him down with half a feather. The distress 
and starvation of Irish peasants had actually come to court, and 
their Skeletons were rattling outside Bnckin^ham Palace, and 
trying to peep, grimly on bony tip-toes, in at the lower edge of the 
windows where the Queen was sitting ! What was to 1^ done ? 
Not one sixpence had Lord O'Leggins contributed up to this time 
to any of the relief funds which were being raised in the country, for 
his tenantry amongst others — ^and every circumstance tended to 
establish the belief, which was universal in the country, that he 
would not contribute, and had no future intention of doing so. But 
they did his lordship wrong. Luckily his lordship was a courtier. 
The anomaly of a courteous landlord m Ireland hence becomes not 
miintelligible. He saw there was no time to be lost. 

Suddenly and unexpectedly his lordship appeared again in 
Dundrum ! No longer wore he a " baleful star " upon his breast, 
but one radiating smile, like his couBteaance on a drawing-room 
day. Within a very brief period he actually subscribed to no less 
Xmm t]wt» relief fimcb ! It wm a go«d thing — ^to come to the 
Queen's c ars I 

lL\m ),KOor starving peajde were aU dining with delight. They 
no longrr ^xpaotbil t« die of hmirar. " Oh, what a blessed thing 
it is," cried they, "to have a lord in waiting for our landlord! 
We shall now get a morsel to eat. Sure enough the Queen — and 
God bless Her Gracious Majesty — has told the lord in waiting to 
tell Lord O'liCggins (that 's the landlord) to whisper to the Lord of 
Dundrum (that *s the Lord O'Leggins) that some duties besides the 
collection of rents are attached even to Irish property ! And so, 
long life to the Queen, and to the Lord 0' Logins, who waits 
around Her Gracious Majesty's pleasure !" 

It would be well for themselves if a number of other noble lords 
took this very broad and illustrious hint in good time. 


Mb. Hollowat presents his compliments to H. P. of 
Bermoiidsey, and having noticed in the Times that he has 
discovered some spots on the body of the sim, would he he 
kind enough to recommend his Invaluable Ointment, which 
has cured a had leg of thirty years' standing ? 



Wb hare heen somewhat surprised to perceive, in the daily 
journals, that the French Assembly hoasts some mulatto 
merahers. We have not forgot the maxim, nimium ne crede 
colori, and would recomnfiend the French Government not to 
trust too much to these men of colom*. It seems to us im- 
possible that members can listen, without laughing, to one 
of them grinning in the tribune, while his compatriots ac- 
company him (as they doubtless do) with cries of Ya ! 
ya ! and the noise of the castanets. We can easily fancy a 
sombre orator desirous of knowing if Cavaignac means to 
explain his sentiments that evening on the question, calling 
out, ** Cavaiguac, will jou come out to-night r* or a swarthy 
member of a commission of inquiry hegmning, ** We went 
down to Lyons, <fcc." 

M. Bory Paty, one of these dark gentlemen, recently re- 

Eudiated, with great indignation, charges of corruption that 
ad been hrougnt against the people of Martinique. The 
following is a free translation of the eloquent peroration of 
the honourable and woolly member : — 

**By gorra, massa, dem charges no rijjht ! Martinique no cor- 
rup. Martinique hab accepted (6 rebolution like one broder, and 
press him to him bussom (laughter). You all know, I tink, de 
words oh de poet — 

' If I had you by my side* 

Well, s'pose I had de member dat made these charges by my side, 
I would mash him head ! {sensation.) No^ massa, nigger no cor- 
mp — for though de skin be darker dan de (^gnet's plume, de heart 
is white as de rice crops dat wave in de islaadB ob de West !" 

Here the honourahle memher was carried out exhausted, 
hut presently recovered, and, when last seen, was tranquilly 
occupied with his poUtioal studies and his banjo. 

Absurd Theobt. — That war is compatible with religion, 
because the church possesses so many canons I 




The Seft-aerpent has been seen ! The Sea-Berpent must : 
be caugbt ! The Sea-serpent must be made useful ! 

The Sea-serpent wiil really turn out a useful animal ; 
and its discoverj' is certainly tbe greatest that has taken 
place since that of gunpowder. 

Having eau^bt jour Sea-serpent, we should recommend 
that he be perfectly trained for arawing; lino-of -battle ships, 
nhile those of a tender ago might be usefully employed in 
tugging barges down canals. 

In canals the Sea-serpent would aboTe all be invaluable. 
By using the animal as suggested, we should obtain the 
security and safety of barmj navigation, with more than the 
swiftness of steam, Tlie beo-serpent would not destroy the 
bonks — an evil which has hitherto made steam navigation 
impossible on canals ; and the only inconvenience that could 
possibly arise would be that of a strav passenger being occa- 
sionally snapped up by the iniiinatca brute. 

HiQHLT Probablb. — We see that Mr. James Bannaj has 
written a book called a Claret Cup. We hope he has not 
made a "mull" of it. 

AcDACious Joke. — All the illustrated papcra on about 
publishing portraits of the sea-serpent ' ' from an eyo-witness. ' ' 
One audacious editor sa;pB that although the otb^ may have 
the picture &<Hn an «^«- witness, he h'unself has it from a n^A^r. 



MB-Sbowiun, — I am a man of moderate views, andadi^wr's 
aaaiatanl, therefore I linve been induced to nieoBure carefully over 
tlie "Early Closing Movement" I find it a "sweetly pretty" 
article for the philontlironists, and in the papers make : up veil. It 
is apattfm vliich, coDtidering all things, I am inclinul ta follow; 
but I Ihlok CBuUon it required, for give some people an inch and 
thej; take an elL As a countpr-moTement to vice, I would cnt 
Casinos, mark night'housea oa Job lota, and look Ibr proGt Irom the 
small ooat of usefiUpubliootionB, and especially the PuwEt-Snow. 
But to cut it short : Au acquaintance of mine, who belonged to an 
early closing establishment has changed the yard-wand for the 
churchjaid, m the narroir space of three months. Being of business- 
like hAbita, he skipped to the coaclusion (aa he often did to the 
counter) that he could Rnd the lining Ibr his mind and body bimul- 
toncoualy. Consequently, he parcelled hia time into half-an-hour at 
a literary institution, tno at a malt estahliahment. and the rest to 
the Casino. He soon shaped himself into a wrong bias, and the 
governor cut him on the cross. He pinned the remnant of hia life 
to his aequmntances ; but at last tliej unfolded their minds, and let 
him slip. He may be shown, thcrefijre, as a sample Sat others to 
avoid — for his account was early cloaed by the "Early Closing 
Movement;" and aa he went off at a ruinous sacrifice, of course he 
will fbr ever remain below prime cost I enclose my ticket accord, 
ing to your nde, and hoping that a stitch in time, ice. &c. Sec &c. 
1 am yoora obediently, 

Ebbkezer EixwiDe. 

Br Uarbiet Maetineau. 
Ih these days of Ministerial half measures, the whole com- 
munity might be put on half rations. Haifa loaf is better 
than none. Thus, the poorer classes might be compelled] to 
cit under the provisions of a siiecial Act of Parliament, 
setting forth that one side of the montli only be devoted to 
the mastication of food, by which process half a mouthful 
of the said food, per individual, misht bo saved. 

Corutant employment, which absorbs under tba present 
liberal system so much capital in wages, onglit to be reduced 
to occational occupation. For instance, one body of the 

iioor might be employed one week, and another body the fol- 
onring week ; and so on altematdy. The emrablee of the 
hungry stomach could be partially wlenced by the anticipa- 
tion of the " good time coming:" 

A coast-guard, to be paio by the stray wreoks washed 
ashore, might be established, whose duty it should he to pre- 
vent the landing of any Irish on the English .coast ; conse- 
quently, tlie chances of employment of Bi-itish people would 
be increased. Besides, as the Cdtic population has been so 
long accustomed to be at the " starvation p<Hnt," tliey would 
scarcely feel a pang nt perishing ontrinht. Thus, the M- 
penee of providing for iLe wants <^ about eight milliraiB of 
souls, would be saved at one stroke. 

With respect to Scotland, the branny inhabitanta, being 

Sroverbially known as "hard Scotchmen," might be re- 
uced to one meal per day of their native " meal. " A hardy 
life constitues a tine race of people, and the Highlanders 
being regarded as splendid a|>ecimeus of humanity, it follows 
that the " harder" they are treated the hardier they would 
become. In war time — which is a happy moment for finding 
au exit for surplus population — the Scotch might be consti- 
tuted, from their powers of endurance, the advanced guard, by 
which the "honour"of being cut to pieces would ensitreihem 
the economical credit of being " immortalised" by the nation. 
Finally, in times of extreme depres^on, the Parliament 
might " stop the supplies " altogether of both govtmnient 
and people ; and if that would not work out the neoeasary 
amount of economy, sanitary cordons could be dispensed 
with, when a "free-trade" admission of the cholera into 
British ports might kill " Protection " and everybody else 
into tho Dargatn. 

A Dis-CREDiTABLE Trick, — A jurcnile contiihutor to 

this periodical declines U> take in his creditors' letters any 
longer, because, he says, " evil communications corrupt good 





a romance of the nineteenth century. 

OME years since— dates, like ^gB and 
raisins, are very dry 
things — I was unfortu- 
nate enough to lose my 

In consequence of this 
calamity, I repaired to 
the nearest police-office 
in order to give infor- 
mation which might 
lead to the recovery of 
the missing article, and 
was introduced to the 
Inspector. Were it 
not that I am unwilling 
to imitate the comic 
writers who infest the 
present age, I should 
Bdj that he was a man 
evidently above his 
'station;** but as it is, I shall content 
myself with observing,* that he was a person who enjoyed 
more than the ordinary amount of whid^ers belonging 
to a pq^ceman, without any of his bad grammar, and 
who possessed' the characteristic civility without the Yulear 
expression and endfmous boots, which ore usually looked 
upon as the attributes of that official. 

Aftar listening attentiyely to my statement, the Inspector 
obs'^^, that '* a watch could not go without hands," and 
t^at he ** should like to find some key to it." 

These expressions startled me. My confidant observed 
nfy consternation, and exclaimed, " I perceive, sir, that you 
are astonished at my making puns. I gained my living 

This remark was uttered in a tone of regret which pre- 
vented me from making any inquiry as to what his previous 
occupation had been : but, bemg anxious to obtain some 
information about the Jocular, but at the same time serious, 
Inspector, I left the omce, wiUi a determination to call on 
him the next day. 



The following morning, I was awakened by my servant, 
who announced that Mr. ritt Byron Tomkins was waiting in 
the sitting-room. At first I felt frightened, for the 
name suggested that a ** proffi-ess" writer had called upon 
me. Nevertheless, I mustered up sufficient courage to dress 
myself and descend to the drawing-room, where ifound my 
acquaintance of the previous evening, the Inspector. 

He had recovered the watch, and presented it to me; 
when, with my accustomed liberality, I pulled out my purse 
and ofifered him five pounds. 

To my surprise, he declined the gift with a disdainful, 
but, at the same time, gentlemanly, air. 

I was amazed. And do I say amazed? — I was even 

grieved ; for 1 thought the sum\was not sufficiently large for 
is acceptance. In the midst of my embarassmeut, I was 
interrupted by my new acquaintance, who observed — 

'* Sir, you mistake me : I am not as other poHcemen. I 
have had the misfortune of being well educated." 

This speech increased my astonishment, and I at once 
exjiressed it to him in language which I fear was slightly 

" Spare your sarcasms," replied Mr. Pitt Bvron Tomkins : 
" remember that Bums was an exciseman, and. Charles Lamb 
a City clerk. Do not, then, be too hard upon one who, 
thougn at present a policeman, has formerly been both a 
•poet and a politician — to say nothing of minor occupations, 
such as railway director ana comic writer." 

At these words, I bowed my head, and assumed a look 
«f pitv; when the Inspector again addressed me. 

■** Sir,*' said he, " I do not regret my present position, 
nor do I seek your compassion. Wine, like water, will find 
.ts level ; and for my part, I do not grieve that, from the high 

position which I once deemed myself fitted '^for, I have sank 
to the more humble one which I at present ^11/ * 

1 changed my tactics, and spake of the equal distribution 
of hapniness ; but was again checked in my attempt to escape, 
from tne self-conviction of having ** missed my man." 

"I have no wish to be misunderstood, '* commenced Tom- 
kins. " I cannot be checked by your remarks, which appear 
to be those of a well-meaning sophist ; and candidly infcrm 
you that I have adopted my present calling throvgh various 
disappointments in others, ior which both philosophy and 
experience prevent me mourning." 

Tomkins was like a great many candid persons. It was 
impossible to get anything out of him beyond ma^ generalities. 
Curiosity urged me to invite so interesting a person to a 
banquet of two. Pride suggested that, after all, that person 
was out an Inspector who had risen from the ranks. 

Reason and sense prevailed. The Inspector was invited, 
the invitation was accepted, the day arrived, and Uie 
mysterious man was seated opposite to me. 

Chapter I. 

" The cloth having been removed, and the usual toasts 
proposed,** as the newspaper gentlemen would say, I set about 
my task of inquiry in as cautious a manner as possible. Know- 
ing the habits of the Force, and believing also that thei^e was 
just as much tiiith in brandy- and- water as (according to 
the proverb) in wine, I at once ordered grog. After giving 
a few reminiscences of my happy childhood, I perceived that 
my friend gradually became more communicative ; and the 
result was a complete confession of the earlier part of his 
hfe: — 

"It was at school,** he commenced, '* tliat I first exhi- 
bited those literary and diplomatic talents which in after 
life I have vainly endeavoured to turn to advantage. Even 
at that early period they were constantly getting me into 
difficulties. What did it avail me to possess satirical talents, 
and to be the editor of Vita SeholasUca, if my libels on 
the head- master were continually getting me a caning. 
Often has that journal been seized by the academic govern- 
ment, and its principal writer placed in solitary confinement, 
without any right oi appeal whatsoever ; and unfortunately, 
something woind always occur during the terrible investiga- 
tion, whicn, in spite of the horrors of birch or blackhole, and 
even the non-pajrment of subscriptions, would induce me to 
pursue my literary avocations witn more than the boldness 
of a Mitchell. It signified nothing to me that I had slan- 
dered a respectable clergyman, and was to be flogged for it 
(my journal being at the same time burned at the liands of 
the exceedingly common porter), so long as I had slandered 
him in good Sapphics ; and when I was told that * the wit 
could not excuse the malignity,' I felt that the compliment 
would at all events compensate for the chastisement. 

** Then, again, by a strange perversity, I coidd not sepa- 
mte mvself from the idea that I was born to be a diploma- 
tist. My name may have had something to do with it — the 
wishes of my lespected parent still more. But there was 
the fact that I, one of the few honest boys in the school, 
with no real intention ef injuring any person, was engaged 
in perpetual machinations against a tradesman who had re- 
fused to give tick, a master who had thrashed a playfellow 
too severely, or a bully who had blacked some companion's 
eyes. If the plot was discovered, I confessed freely ; the 
other conspirators denied their share in the guilt, and the 
whole punishment fell upon my shoulders, not to mention 
a less romantic part of my body. Suffice it to say, that I 
was at that time a diplomatist with honesty, and a writer 
without scruples. Nice characters these were to make one*8 
way with in the world ! 

" I was to have gone to college ; I was to have gone to 
the bar ; I was to nave gone into Parliament ; and, inde- 
pendently of being prime minister, I was to have been fifty 
other great things. I will not stop to consider what might 
have been my career if the first step had been taken, but 
every one knows that in this case le premier pas coUte ; and 
as my father died without leaving anything, except a few 
debte, just as I was quitting school, it became very evident 
tJiat I must turn my attention to something else. My rela- 
tions recommended a business, and the road to greatness, 
which commences with the freedom of the City, and ends 


■with the dimity of Lonl Mnyor. I rCBoWed, however, upon 
tho proFeasioD of litemturc— that refuf(e which is so oTten 
sought and not found bj the destitute— nnd subsequently a 
ehort cut from the bar to the Woolsaclt." 

Tlie grog being now finished, Tomkins, with great Eftga- 
city, left me, under a promise to return oa the foUowiii£ day. 

When the National Guards visited the Lord Mayor tho 
other day, tliat functionary offered some refreshinent to the 
officers only, advising tho rest to look at onr buildino;s — 
which, heaven knows, is no treat. The absurdity of hia 
conduct (which was quite as great as the meamiess of it) 
lay chiefly id this, that the social rank of the officers and 
men is tlw same, and qiiito equal to his " Lordship's," as 
all but idiots and Lord Mnyora know. Really noth in;; seems 
to bo welcome or kindly received in the City except the cho- 
lera. It tvns always famous for encouraging dirt. The 
present Mayor advances a step, and has dirt in hia heart 
and soul. ; 


flORT, — It is said that a Collection of Etchings e:[ecuted by 
the Queen and Prince Albert will shortly te exhibited to 
the pohlie. There can be no doubt as to the happy result 
of this combination of royal talent Her Majesty has al- 
ready enriched the Palace with several splendid specimens 
of Tableaux Viraru, for which the people are hiebly in- 
debled, as they are intended to form a very valuaiU Kational 



Mr. Showiuh, — Happ«nine to go through Leicester Sqnare 

tslalien of all that 


under foot, but the foUowing 

was BtiU legible : — 

". . ; Garde tfitiionait . . . to-morrow, ThursilBT _ 

o'clock, a body of forty . . . pmiecd to Wimieor CwUe, fifty (o 
the CotossouQ, three mmdred to ihe Maiuion Ilou«i>, . . . Bonk, 
hundred to Howe Onnrdn. ..." 

Now, sir, if this doea not prove that these foreigners 
meditated some well-arranged scheme of attack upon the me- 
tnwetis, I know not what does. Luckily tliey found iin 
weti prepared, and no douht abandoned their design ; but I 
IruEt that this will (q>en the eyes of tlu authorities aa to t^ 
propriety of takinz means fo prevent tlu) recunviiiie of tlie 
awful danger to which we have been eiposed. 

I have the honour to remaia 

Your obedient lerrant, 


The Clrakaxcb Ststeh ^•t Irxlakd.— The landbrda 
in the County Clare, Gudiog they cannot raiw their rents, 
have very unceremoniously ro^ed their houses, Iwfina; their 
tenants nothing but a riffht in common. These afibire ata 
manased differeatly in England, v^re, if a raoa cannot 
meet his rent, he leaves the prenuMs, while in Iidand tha 
premises leave him. 


An — " Hm'i to Ot (uiidH afhhu\i>igfij\m.~ 
(b; the mayor of DO>aB>)l 

Here 'b to the troops of the GAimaiStuBnSE ! 

Already arrivdd m Dover ; 
Here 's to the rest, who at any time dWiJ 
Tliink proper and fit to come over ! , 
Let them all pass 
To London en mane. 
We It take them for nothing, and giw-lheiii first^kw. j2 

Here's to the Sapeur of Paul Bedford's wee. 
Who, e'en if he would, couldn't ran, sir ; 

Here's to the Bourgeoit witfa.^)ecs on his eyes. 
And here 's to him who hae none, sir ! 
Let than all poM, in. 

Here 's to all such, sir, as serre A t^uvdl. 
And to those who as Foot yon may see, sir'; 

They all shall be welcome, I promise tbey shall, 
Whatever their uniform he, sir. 
Let them all pass, tie. 

Then let ni foi^ our mutual hate : 

I ask every tnie Briton whether 
He 11 apom the hand oflered, or still heutals 

To flitemiBe wwmly together I 

_^ Let them all pass, Jtc. 


Lord Brottsraii'h reputation is the most singnlor em 
Hijoyed by a public man. It is alternately a wemfaip utd a 
jeer that he meets with. One eet of men worAipsfam as* 
god, another ridioulee him as an idol, a third hates kbn U 
a danger. Yet everybody admiree him at bottom. Tbo 
LibM-al remembers his serrioes as Henry; ttn Tery hia 
recent Conservatism ; the reading public his trnmy* and 
sneechoa. With such faculties and such fortune, why 
sDould Lord Brouzham ever cfaooeeto be ridiculous ? With 
Lyndhurst's prudence, he could have gained Chatham's 
rcputfttion. As it ia, he must remain an aoooidy. Every 
one will admit that he was a Colossus ; but remnnber at 
the same time, that the Coloasoa was made of braaa. Why 
should this be ? 

^e ore isclinsd to look en Broagh«a*e atiwt^ aa 
reeembling that of Polypheraua after he had lort bis mIi- 
tary eye. The giant roars fearfully, huria mi^fy WMfMos 
anundlom, but, ^aa! n^Atisabeent.aiidtlieeacaM'eBCBpes. 
Nevertheless, the country echoes with tbe aound oS \m 
fury, and compassion for the Uimbieie u kalf lost in 
admiration of t^e strensth. 

Brmigham bos tried aveiTdung, and has dane nothing 
ilL But he has bo aooner- done aomettung laall, than be 
hastens to nentntlise the effect by an aMmtIi^_. Like 
Byron's deacriptdea of the storm in Doh Jumn, tee «areer 
aitj-mate* between the ""bi"^ and the ridieideaa — tenor 
end beauty um instant, huffoonei7 and graasBeaa the- 

Bron^am baa abnaed the Braent atate of the laws — 
and admimsterad them badly. Qa has dipveeaUd tfaaatadii 
of the classics— and translated Demostboiee. He luw- 
prused die Freneh — sad offintded them : r a iewt Aa People 
to a Deity — and dej;raded it t» " dwca." 

Wo believe tbat aU his abaurditws may be attitbaleiG 
to this, tbat he haa all along naJerrated hie eonteaipawriea- 

Brou^wm boa now gone to Pai<i«. WiA wbot ob^aet 

Win' ha atnnd for Freaidtnt % Or bmt wtM boor » 
Or sell his CaaMs propartr ? Or write a Fnmllt pai^dibt 
praieinit tka Revolution ? Or fratenuse with La ma vtige? 

It ia ia^taaaible to piedict anylluNg af him wilb «»■ 
tainty, eaa^ that be will be eeoentna. 



FlirS ftlTEEDLES. 

Jobn 0*CoiiDeII is worse than the unjust steward in the 
parahle, for though ** he cannot dig/' yet " to heg he is not 


Lord Brougham seems verr deficient in taste. Wh7 
keep calling Lansdowno his " old '* friend, and thus remind- 
mg the public that the noble marquis is in his dotage ? 

A certain Barret, one of the Chartist Conspirators, lately 
convicted, told a friend who found ^him making licartrldges, 
that "they were for a gentleman going abroad." We are 
afraid that Barret will find this is another proof of the well- 
known prorerb, ** There's many a true word spoken in jest. " 

Keat's chose for his epitaph, " Here Lies one whose 
Name was whit in Water." By altering it to hrandy- 
and-water, it would do capitally for Dr. Maginn. 

It is the opinion of Ssbthorpe, that as Mr. Disraeli is so 
subtle and yenomeus in neoetrating tin motives of his anta- 
gonists, he is the veritable «00-B6rpent after all. 

A r^nt stupid " progress" magazine must certainly claim 
the praise of an exalted patriotism. It soon determmed to 
**mourirpour lajmtrie/* and did so^ to the delight of all. 

Dr. Bermingham lately saidr " that in tkfr casual ward 
of the St. Pancras Workhouse there was an opening into 
the drain, from which the smell of ammonia was so strong 
that it made his eyes water." Tlws is beyond all doubt a 

€t • •! ft • 


The onlv difference between the old Hterary man in this 
country and the new, k tkftt tiM first read what nobody 
could write, while the second wiites what nobody can 

Poor Cuffey said he was bound 'to carry the Charter. 
Experience has proved that he is bound (pretty securely 
too) in consequence of not having carried it. 


The Emperor of Austna lias long been considered of 
unsound mind. Of late he has certainly shown himself a 
flighty character. 

We hear that Alderman Gibbs ia ahowt to make the cho- 
lera free of the City, is hcg^ that mretvu the City will be 
free of the chdera. 

CoMHW E mmb , iae,—B\Am WSferforce has lately 
been defircrisi; a ohaige to fais^amgfdMt he eavnot allow 
them to loOew fieM sports, kanliag, isc; TUs » acting 
consi8taA|»4»af coorstiys lorAihip cannot wicdi to see il^ 
Churd^rflfc^Mi " gM|K to the dogs. " 

IhiSMumaf isan iMMisvdCMMnie'brated I'mes in which 
PigMhasmads^The soond to seem an echo to the sense:"— 

When Ans^ does his big brass trumpet blow. 
The whole Hoose cnrsei, and declares him " slow ; " 
Not so, wkea Diny pipes the graceful strain, 
SkisB^'er 4he fa e iti en swift^ and pats poor Peel to pam ! 


THAT Your PETiTiBMERa have interests totally in 
opposition to those of Punch, 

Cl^at the stupidity of Pkm^ is the Pctppet-Show's good 
fortune ; and that snyUitng whiek maf contribute to the in- 
crease of the said stupiditjr of Punch, will be hailed with joy 
by Your Petitioners, and its andboas duly honoured. 

C(at Your Cockney Majesty has it in his power to con- 
tnbute, and does in the most obliging manner contribute, to 
the said stupidity of PtiMek, though not jto the extent which 
Your Petitioners would desire. 

Your Petitioners, there&re, pray. That Your Coekney 
Majesty will, in lus graekms kindness, write, and cause to 
be printed in the eouimns of Punch, as laige an amount of 
Your Cocka^ Majesty's original articles as Your Cockney 
Majesty may in his nierci^l goodness think fit. 

9[ni Your Petitioners will ever pray, 4tc. 

^Fashionable Movement. — ^An illustration — "leneveu 
demon oncle, et Toncle de mon neveu" — which appeared/ 
some months ago in the Joumalpour rlre, from the columns 
of that journal to the jja^es oi Punch. [N.B. — We have 
several movements of a similar nature to chronicle.] 


A PARAGRAPn in the Smi recently informed au astonished 
puhlic that it was the intention of Mr. George Thomf^soa, 
M.P., to attend a meeting, and ex|»lain his '* Parliamentary 
conduct during the session " to his constituents. This is 
suggestive of speculation : — Ist, as to what Mr. Thompson 
has done ; 2ndly, as to why he did it ; 3rdiy» as to who 
wiU go to hear him explain k ; 4th]y, as to who cares a far- 
thing on the subject ; and iVthly, why the fact shoiiki be 
announced so gravely to the public. On these points we 
mean to give a hint to George's constituents. 

Mr. George Thompson, 11. P. (what a dignified appella- 
tion!), then, nas been prineipally occupied during the ses- 
sion on the business of the late Rajah of Sattara, whose 
affairs must necessarily be vitally important to the Tower- 
Hamlets. For many years he lived very comfortably on this 
unhappy man*s calamities, and at his death continued still 
the profitable occupation of agitating about them — resem- 
bling, in this resnect, the cannibals of the South Sea 
Islands, who get all they can out of the slaves they capture 
during their life, and after their death eat them. In 
fact, Mr. George Thompson, M.P., has been picking the 
bdnes of the dead Rajah vetr cleanly and comfortably, and 
much, of course, to ^e benefit of his constituents. 

As to his Parliamentary career in other respects, it has 
been chieflj confin^ to the obstruction of public boistness, 
by the delivery of Mechanics' Institute lectures to the House 
that boasts a Disraeli. His fluent, wishy-washy verbiage — 
at once as shidlow and as muddy as a sewer — has been pour- 
ing along, an annoying obstruction, and the only reputation he 
has gained, has been that of being one of the very worst of 
the clioue of " progress " bores — that half-read set which 
floated mto the senate on the waves of Corn-law a^tation— 
having been previously known as hireling lecturers of ob- 
scure origin and neglected education. 

It will save Mr. Thompson some trouble if he wiH avail 
himself of this hrief rStum^ of his proceedmgs in his forth- 
coming oration. He is very welcome to maKO use of our 
observations, and ofight to be much ohliged to us for saviujg 
him the trouble of making a long speech — as also ought his 

A Nice Distinctumi. — We fead in the papers, that 
'*Mnee his raperled premeditated escape, Mr. Dofly has 
been oonfioed hy hims^." A friend of the prisoner *s, 
who e;ndently possesses mem zeal than sense, has written to 
si^ thai this is a lile ealnmiy, as every one knows that, in- 
stead of his being by himself, it is by the dastardly Saxon 
Government Mr. Duffy has been confined. 



This ezcltinf; sport lins been much indulged in lately by the 
gallant Napier ; and ihc unfortanate Hoge (on Indian bore 
of rreat ferocity) has been scampering about in a mctan- 
cholj plight. Some regular bloodhounds of good breed 
ha*o followed the Hog^ up tery closely ; white wme 
vret«hcd cura, instead of joimng in the pursuit, turned and 
attacked the galiant huntsman. 

The Srowuak, nho bos the highest respect for the 
ptrfervidum iagenium of the brilliant Napier, joined in the 
chaae wilb his customary ardour. The Ilogi; had been 
grunting nngrily, and therefore gOTB a. good promise of sport, 
which vras amply realized ; for, though he ran fast iur a 
place of safety (and may be said to have had a sty in his 
eye), he was shai-ply progged and wounded once or twice. 
In fact, the bore could not save his bacon, was touched up 
in the hams, and the Showman now declines to throir any 
more pearls before him. 


Q. Why did Hercules dcsiii) to die poor ? 
A. Because, when he was expiring, he wished that he 
id n't got a shirt to his back. 


" Ttcidght Thoughft." — A singularly appropriate title, 
since twilight naturally preci;dca tlio hour of slec|). 

"Jonti." — This ia a new print of old jokes, which were 
stupid when first made, and are infamous when clumsily re- 
l«:iitcd. There is one good thing in it— the notice that it 
will only appear once a fortnieht. Its namesake, "Davy 
Jones," will soon have it in his Jocker. 

" The Whitliiigion JuurHal." — Very well worthy of " the 
Slop-bang;" since it is dull, vulgar, and won't ever "pay," 
or ever get trusted. 

" Mi/iUriti of llie Court." — A dull and obscene serial. 
There are some " tlystcries " of " the Court," howcrer, that 
we ahould like to know. IIow did the author ever get his 
certificate in the bankniptcies previous to hia last ? 

"Bote, Jilaiiche, and f'iultl." — Three graceful daughters 
of genius, who ought to he in every literary seraglio. 

" Amt/moiie" — la a " stunning " ftmaJe for the Grecian 
Saloon. . 

"The Emigrant. "~X settler, 

" The PotiUton ifjflcy."— This work is lively and amus- 
inc ; so was Grimoldi, and so are the singers at the Cyder 
Cellars, It will probably lie on every dressing-table, parti- 
cularly when the proprietor is ahavinc. 

" Lord Brougiam'i Letirr to the MarquU of Lnntdonmi " 
— Reminds us of the vfrbaia el grendit ep'ulola which Tibe- 
rius sent to destroy Sejanus ; for reodine it is killing work. 

"Model Men ' — Are models pretUly "cut," and will 
induce everyone to "come agtun ' to the "carver," Mr. 
Horace May hew. 


Wro haa not bemrd of tbo MrpeoU, 

In the Western Seas that sail. 
Bowling tbroDgh the waste of waters 

With soma Mt r railea of tail? 
Bearing hidoons bowls, by which — id 

Uglineas — Caunt'i phit is whacked ; 
Beanng teeth, in miah^ rowa, which 

Albert Smith could not extract ! 

Great indeMi are the Bea-Mrpeots, 

In the western waves that sail. 
And when measured out against than. 

Cannon bolls can't turn the scale ; 
Yet there is a serpcut worser, 

Bowling over British land. 
Greedy as Tom Young the nnraer, 

Broxen as the " progress ' band ; 

Swifl as nwn when bailiffs diase them 

Fierce as Cuffey you might see. 
With a pike and twenty rascals. 

Boozing at the Orange Tree ; 
Everr kind of man be bolteth : 

All with golden sauce go down. 
From the dullest lord of Uioosand^ 

To the poorest scamp on town. 


Chiefly, though, with pleasure hdlisb, ' 

Loves the beast the poor to bit«, 
And with most infernal relish 

Bolts the widow and her mit« ; 
IIow he smacks his teeth when orphans 

Carelessly present a prey ; 
Thev are chiefly bones of poor men ', 

That bestrew this serpent's wsy 

'Tis the Railway Serpent, reader, 

Of whose terrors you should fear. 
And George Hudson is the Wombwell 

Who first brought the serpent here ; 
And the rattle of its motion 

Is the sound of human groans. 
And the snappings of its grinden 

Boar the name of Railway Loons ! 






The Jesuits again. — We beg to call tbe attention of 
Sir Robert In^Iis to the folio winp; awful fact, which proves 
with what untinng pertinacity the disciples of Loyola are 
still pursuing their aiabolical schemes, and, unfortunately, 
with too mumi success : — A young leviathan of the Bottie- 
nose species lately made its appearance in the Frith of 
Forth. This being soon perceived, the inhabitants pressed 
into their service every available craft, and after a very short 
lapse of time, without distinction of age or sex, actually 
"took tlie whale.*' 


The now novel of "Crowbars and Coronets; or. The Besiwed 
One*' (3 vols 8vo, published by Mr. Gentley), has already oreoltd 
an immense sensation among the hii»:her order?. We have efery 
reason, howevor, to believe that this fascinating work is net bjr 
Airs. Bore, as was at first reported, but is due to the pen of Lady C. 
Fl — ms — ^y, already ^Etvourably knowu to the beau mtmde m the 
authoress of ia»e sweet poems of "The Old Straw-hat," ••The 
Seedy Chip-bcnnet^ " "The Tainted Sandwich," &c. &c. 

la her fomier eflbrts, the noble authoress, for such we lisfe no 
doubt she is, confined herself— as the titles of the pieces^ust qBoted 
sufficiently show — to the poetry of domestic life, delightmg toiiMir 
us virtue walking through the world in pattens, or to dmw 

sweet moral fr«m tbe sight of a broken tea-cup. In thejmMnt 
effort, however, her ladyship has taken a bolder flight. Tiei«ng 
the anarchy •ecasioned bv the unbridled writings of venad dema- 
gogues, she hm dedicated her powerful pen to the cause of fiuMkiii 
and herediiai^ nebility, and oeautifully has she borne ^at 'fte 
maxim on her tstl^^page — " Bon sang ne pent mentbr" 

The here^ Al&ed Begmald Fitz- Filbert, has been expMed in his 
infancy to perish ona doer-step by a graispin^ uncle, who «eeB hi him 
a barrier Uil i wen himselTand nis own mnbition. We oamwi Mftain 
quoting the noble anthoress's gtaphic description df Hib cimsms- 
stance : tt is in her best style : — 

' The wgfat mtt cold and gl o wiy ; the wkfl n^Hstled down the 
'deserted fltrnais, wh3e the xa«, w4iidb descended in torrenta, 
'pattered wn^t the wtndom, and made them rattle in their 
' frames. Doddenly a form was seen adiranoing ia -fte ^stance ; it 

'was that ofaman, bearmg«iderhi0innia<flBiidle Stop- 

' ping before a baker's boose. Sir LioMfl fiU-f!9bert, for it ims he, 
' deposited the cradle, with ik% Bttle iwiwft, the infant JAfred 
' Reginald, on the irotMr. Tbe owkfli mm not quite tosft of 
' every noble feeling : he still had imm comyniBtion left, aDd<}esi- 
' sequently had chosen this sp«it-€n w4msh to ifamdoi his iiiiriiart 
' victim, as he was well aware 1b«t tbe 1)dker*s oven wm maka the 
' pavement, and would afford o$ ttker enfoMt whom be was about to 
' deprive of rank, title, and fortme, that warmth cf wUeb his 
'juvenile age and tender constitution wfoimU tant hmdn.'* 

In the cradle are deposited iSknt brrlHants of hmnense vaki^ 
a bottle of soothmg syrup, and Ltche on the Human Under titmUti^ 
together with a letter, reqncsfmg t)bc "finder to dispese^f tin aiticieB 
and take charge of the infimt The finder, hMPevcr, a nia4«t- 
vfoman, prefers taking charge of the brilliants flnddii^Miqg^f tike 
infimt, which she does at t£e door of the norUiemft, iritan lie is 
found next m a miu g by the master, who -tnlnw Urn in and enters 
him among the " casDMs." 

At the 4^ of foorteeD, Alfred Re^pMlli it «ppi«fttioed by the 
parish aM&orities to a Acemaker : but bis ncMe spirit is indignant at 
the trammels imposed «p«i him by his plebeisR taskmaster, so, after 
breaking his head with one of hb own Mts, he decamps, and joins 
a gang of desperate characters about town, among wlwm he is soon 
mmm by the title of the " Craok Maffsman. ' ' He remains in this 
Boeiety np to the age of twenty-one, tiuing part in the most despe- 
rate aets. Any one else must have been corrapted— not so our 
hero. As oar anthoress, with a profocmd kaowledge of homan 
aatore, observes: — 

' What would have stamped on otbert the seal of depravity, left 
' Alfred Bttpnald nnsca^iea ; he was snrvocnded by vice and imnm- 
'rality of the most beinoos description, bat his deeply aristocratic 
' nature only shone oat tbe fwer, as the mi^jestic swan beccmies all 
' the whiter and more daaEung from the dirty and offensive waters 
' of the Serpentine in which it plunges its graoefbl neck, and which 
' run off innocuous from its sledL and nnctuoos [damage. ' 

Oife day, at the Marlborough Police Court, where he had jost 
been acouitted on a charge of house-breaking, Alfred Reginald sees, 
for the first time, the heroine, Lady Emily & Maacbon, with whom 
he becomes desperately smitten. 

The manner in which this meeting is brought about reflects 
great credit on the authoress, both as a no\'elist and a woman. It 
may be remembered that a few years ago a lady of title and her 
daughters were taken op for shop-lilting. Lady Fl — ms — j seizes 
upon this fac^ and by her treahnent of tbe matter triamplmntly 
refutes that vile portion of the pablic press which actaally oared to 

think the high-born victims guilty. We would willingly eive this 
interesting episode at length, did not want of space preclude us : 
we must, therefore, content ourselves with presenting our readers 
with a hasty outline. 

Ladv Emily de Manehon, who, by the way, is a peeress in her 
own right, has entered, in company with her sister, the establish- 
ment of Messrs. Sarsanent, Mousseline, & Co., of Regent Street. 
After purchasing a few trifling ai'ticles, they are about to depart, 
when tney are charged by the snopmau who served them with steal- 
ing two valuable lace veils. They indignantly repel the char^, 
and are submitted to the degradation of a search, when the missmg 
veils, which had happened to cling to their ruffles, are found in 
their mufis. The base-minded shopman then actually gives them 
into cvstod;^, when they are brought to the police court, where 
Alfred Reginald beholds them. Here, however, the tables are 
chas^^ed. The worth^r magistrate, on their dechoing their names, 
mstanthr invites them into his private room, where th^ are accom- 
modated with seats and smelling-bottles, and the head partner of 
the establishment, who was absent when the scene oeeorred, soon 
after arriving, proclaims his conviction of their hneoenoe, and 
instantly discharges the shopman. This individual, who tmns out 
to be a Chartist leader in disguise, meets, however, his deserts ; 
being shunned by the whole tradc^ who are convinced of his ffuilt, 
and snow that they would lose their costomers if they receivea him 
into their booses, be gradually falls from one depth of misery to 
anotlier, and is at last sent by the same magistrate to the tread-miU 
for stealini^ a penny-loaf to save him fr<nn the hunger-death he so 
riddy merited. 

The plot now thickens. Alfi^ Reginald's passion increases in 
force every hour, and is returned by the Lady Emily de Manchcm ; 
but there is an insuperable difficulty — their difierence of station. As 
he is one day passing moodily down Bond Street, immersed in deep 
and bitter thought, be mechanically extracts, with that grace and 
elegance for which he is so envied by his acquaintances, the hand- 
kerchief of a lady who is steppins^ out of her carriage. lie is 
abvat to put it in his pocket, when he sees the crest — whidt 
is his own, for the lady is his mother, who has lomr grieved for him 
as dead. At the sight of this, the blood of the Fiti-ITilberts and 
the voice of natore simultaneously triumph over every other feeling 
with an indescribable emotion for which he b unid>le to account ; 
and althoqgh the handkerchief b a most valuable one; he hands 
it bodk te her ladyship. Struck with the fact, her ladyship pro- 
ceeds to msBmi mm, when she is amased by the extent and 
vaiwty of his kniw i iud ge : for, during the hours not dedicstol to hi^ 
mvlbssion^flBd UsImmii, he had found means to inskoct himself in 
Fi'each, German, fllpfOMli, Italian, Coptic, the use cf the globes, 
Palegr's Moral Hiilsaujihj, and the art of Berlin wooing, if we may 
osin a ^raad. A reocgnitiea, of coarse, follows. Thb is described 
in the SMSt hwuCiful and ri^kerdu nuumer, and most be read to be 

Shortly after, our hsw is aoimowledfed the ri^htfid heir to his 
estates, and marries the » ^u e t 4)fhis love ; the powet-handkerchief 
being quartered on the warn of his marriage carriage, with the 
metH the '^ Restored One,** sndemeatb. 

In oeneksion, we can reoonmend this as a most remarkable 
werik^n tun, levero and playiid ; now rising to the height of the 
suUkBeit femFOV, sow descending to the m^ innocent badinage. 
It refleofte 4m tfghest credit on the head and heart of its talented 
authoress, and will prave a powerful answer to the vile demag^ognes 
who endeavoor l» until their hateful demoocatical theories in the 
bosoms of ImiiidnBen. 

Desiribls Metropoutax lanwsMENTS.— a Penny- 
a-liner, talking of the author of tbe ^^m^mm^ **m most 
instances he naa chosen the mRtromSmwrnm^ JiM of his 

labours." The critic moat evicbntly tMan ''at the Sfmik- 
fidd." We trust, however, soon to see the time whea tliia 
nuiaamoe in the world of letters will he put <1owe simulta- 
neously with the abwntnsiion «f iJb» same nane in iSbt City 
of London. 

Awful RECKLX88K£ss.7-The Neapolitans, rnring u]>on 
a Tolcano, haye oflen been cited as a proof of the ease with 
which men become indififerent to the greatest dangers : but 
a still BBOTtt xemarkable instaiioe is that of an Englishwoman 
settled in Paris and married to a Frenefaman, who is lanoMd 
for life in consequeiice of a ball in his knee, received during 
the late insurrection. So callous has our fair countrywoman 
become to anarchy and peril, that she has been heard to 
boast of never bemg so happy as when she has a haUer 
round her neck. 

To Classicists. — ^A gentkman of our aequaintanee 
strongly objects to ^ game of single-stick, because he says 
he finds it to be — " knocki et prseterea nihil." 






•* Et comrae je ne voi« netU genre dc hcros, 
Qiii aoit plus k prixcr que le« parfaits derots, 
Aiicune chose au monde et y\n% noble, et plus belle. 
Que la sainte ferretir d'un veritable zcle, 
Aoftsi ne vois-je Hen de plus odieiix. 
Que le ddiort pUtre d' an zele specieus.— Mounts. 


Chablotbxe Jake, wife of John Lowlison, a rich merohAnt, is tiie 
daughter of Colonel and Mrs. Homebred, both ardent admirers of 
the Church and State system, and — which is almost a matter of 
ooarse — staunch opposers of everything liberal and enlightened. 

Charlotte Jane was brought up in trie idea that she is to respect 
—or cringe to— every one who is placed above her, or, in other 
words, has more money, while she is bound to treat her inferiors — 
that is, those who are not so rich, no matter what their talents or 
attainments — with about as much respect as she would a dog. 
We, of coarse, allude to dogs of a plebeian nature : greyhounds, 
spaniels, and awful-looking poodles being considered worthy of all 


Wmw at Divine Worship, die says her prayers most fervently and 
roost audibly. She is an advocate for the oontimuuioeof pews, and is 
of opinion that the proper plaoe for servanta is in the gallefj : "for, " 
she says, "they are m the same church, and what possible diffe- 
rence oan it niake what part of it they sit in? " No Missionary 
Meeting can take plaoe for miles around without her being present. 
She always volunteers her services at any Fancy Fair^t up for the 
purpose of remedying the New Zealanders* and Indians' want of 
moral knowledge, but seldom thinks of the Spitalficlds' weavers 
want of clothes and feod. 

While at church, confessing she is a miserable sinner, she has 
been generally obnerved to rest her head upon her led hand, for 
the purpose, as some affirm, of showing the mlliants and massive 
gold chttp which adorn her fingers and wrist respectively. We 
cannot fancy it can be with this motive she does so, oecanse she, at 
sach times, appears to be utterly regardless of the world and all 
that it contains. 

TN.B. — She does wear brillhuifs and a massive gold clasp on her 
left hand and wriit^ and somdMw or other she docs lean her head 
on her left hand.1 

In her houseUBrfto is metm and tyrannical, offering her ser- 
rants the lowest ppsrfblc ways and the greatest popsible indi^i- 
ties. She deals widL a cheap hutcher, living out of the parish 
She has been known- ^tjiach»ni|a obc housemaid for looking out of 
the front windows, ami another for refbsin^ to siibacribc a half- 
crown — given her byt a visikoiT— 4d the Mission for converting the 
Chinese people. Onjimiiiay dM-dines on cold meat, and compels 
her servants to do tbs «■&. She signed the petition for the Sup- 
pression of Sunday Btahing.. She withdrew her custom fVom three 
tradesmen for not fidooMnx^her exanple. In spite of this, how- 
ever, she goes to chvnh ir Mr oa uiag e when it is wct^ and expects 
the gardener to attqife to- the- hot^ ho twes on Sunday. 


{Wmm TBS «U01NAL flPAKISn.) 

Sat w^Mt CflvalEtni are those, who 

At the Afllioa afpear — 
Waohiag down liieir scolloped ovMen 

With tnekmdiA lots ^ beer ? 

Comic writers are they : men who 
Many a wiiet«bed pun have penned : 

Don Knrico Siitherlando, 

And Don Slashavvay, his friend. 

Now, the oysters being finished^ 
Don Enrico, proud as Mars, 

Calls out, •• Waiter, quickly bring two 
GoesofwhUkyandcig/rs." ^ 

In a trice the geuUu loci 

Brings the articles bespoke ; 

And the comic writers straightway 
Sit concealed fVom view m smoke. 

Than with aeeent »6«t majestfte. 
Puffing out between each word 

FuMrnuit ebude from mouth and nostril. 
Thus Don Slashaway is heard : — 

*' Sutherlando, say what jtrogress 
Do you in your love-suit make ? 

When shall we he asked to breakfast ? 
When receive the wedding-cake ? 

'* Oh ! with what pure satisfaction 

Shall I met the happy day. 
When your hlufihing brrae you hear off 

In a coach-and-^ur away t 

" On which first ^ on liMiihBi wiiispep, 
* Now, I 'm thine '<-hdIi« faWJ soimibt 

And on which, for sot^iott prcanfled. 
You 're to lend me^tty poands.*' 

" Ah ! " replied Don 

As most woe-begone ha iMktdl; 
*' Fellow-writer, in that quMlw 

Much I fear my goose m 


" Do I," Slasihaway inqui 

Starting wUdhr, '* hea i a w gt t ? " 
To his (Toestion, outherlando^ 

Nodding cahnly, answers, ** Quite. 


'' Tell me," Slashaway conlii 
" All about it then, for itilv 

Spite of what I 've heardv I Aaiki yan.' 
Sutherlando says, ** I w^^ 


OtU Don Slashaway, it must havft 
Sti uck thee strongly, I should^ 
That fair woman's love resemhkft 
Vastly sympathetic ink. 

** In her lover's |>re8ence ixm it 
Come out plainly like tlie day ; ] 

But if he he absent, amMf 
Will it pale and fa^Away. 

" Therefore, I am very fearful, 

Arabella I shall lose ; 
Since for six long weeks I have not 

On her Pa's mat wiped my shoes." 

*' Why not," -Slo^^haway inquires ; 

" What for this can be your grounds ? " 
While he asked, ho thought, I fear mo, 

Slightly of the fifi^ pounds. 

" Why, because," replied Enrico, 

Moved almost unto tears, 
" There 's an obsta^^le which 'twixt me 

And my hopes its fofm upveors.' 


" Oh ! what is it ? " cried his comrade. 

^ Hae her fallter, mayhap, hrard 
Ausrht Against you, and thought proper 

To withdraw his plighted word ? ^' 

** No," said Sutherlando, draining 
In his grief the other's glass — 

** That is not the reason— listen 
fiow it Fpoliy came to pass. 

" Six weeks sioee my Leved One's father, 
Wi«4iing for a change of air, 

Left his dwelling and rmievcd to— 

Ah ! — ^you Denver would guesa wbert ? ** 

" In that case you *d better tell me," 
^ Said Don Slashaway : his friend 

Seized him by the hand, and gasped out, 
*' That, my boy, 's what I intend. 

" — To the street where lives my tailor^ 
And to where I ne'er dam go. 

Till I Ve paid that * bill delivered,* 
Which so long a time I owe." 




|iAB , — I AM arrived 

' here. ^Tuesday, at the 
evening, and found myBell 
enough fatigued. I have 
been very astounded to 
Bco the Bun, which shines 
here quite as at Parin ; 
but it DjipearH thnt the 
English are enjoying n 
time superb, for tuere is 
no fog in the streets, and 
those who in ordinary 
carry torches to enlighteu 
tlie passers are without 

IlaTin^ envy to oat on 
>Jngli3h dinner, I com- 
manded one to-day. It 
ivas composed of a sheep's 
leg boiled, and a great 
jiicce of ox ; botii these 
jilutes were cooked, as 
were the vegetables of 
which they were accom- 
panied. There was ntso a 
1>uddingof apples, which, 
am assured, grew in 
England even; one has 
. iiiformedme.thatnotonly 
- the apples, but also the 
' [lenrj, and the plums, be- 
11 sides other fruit, are culti- 
. vatcd with success. The 
^ beer (ihe wine of Eng- 
' land) is very good and 
very 8(rong> It is a liquor ngreeablo ond verj generous, 
fi'equeiLtly K'ving the headache. 

1 have been yesterday to see the Lord Mayor. lie is 
very aniinble, but it appears that he has not so much of 
power as the Queen Victoria. When I quitted biro, I am 
gone to see the wives sold at Smithfield; but the sale has 
not had place, tlie market being full only of beefs, veals, 
muttons, and horses. The drovers are some brutal men 
and make their beefs enra^, which is dangerous for the 
passers, as the horns of the beasts are very pointed. 

, There is much of amusement at London. They play the 
Opera, the ballet, and tlie drama, and the theatres arc of nil 
beauty. I hare been to the theatres of the Havmarket, tiio 
Lyceum, and the Princess 'h, ot all of which I saw Ereneh 
pieces : this, without doubt, was to compliment tlio Na- 
tional Guards who were present, and who are shown them- 
selves sensible of the attention. 

The Parks are very ijeautiful. Every one is allowed to 
walk in them, eieept the working classes, who are, without 
doubt, brutal and sanguinary, and would commit dangerous 
excesses if one admitted them into the gardens of the Go- 
vernment. The domestics, wlio are known to entertain the 
moat violent sentiments against tlie institutions of Royalty, 
are also forbidden to enter to the Parks. Some of them, Sv 
means the most subtle, succeed to make the entry, but it is 
only in disguise that one can do tikis : the domestic, when 
carrying the liverv of his master, would have no chance. 

There are public edifices in London which are very fine : 
one tells me that the interior of WestminBtcr Abbey is of all 
beauty, but it appears that those who endeavour to enter 
there are punished by a fine of sixpence. I have not, then, 
wished to transgress the laws of the country, which has re- 
ceived me in a manner so hospitable. 

The English have an odd custom, which consists in se- 
lecting as gallencs of pictures those buildings which shall 
not, by their superior attractions, remove the attention of the 
visitor &om the objects of art themselves. 

The club-houses are, on the other hand, ordinarily of a 
ereat magnificence : thus the ideas of the habilal are raised 

from the mere gratification of appetite to the contemplation 

The other evening, having envr to see an English jig, I 
went to a place near the Strand, where I knew toat the ex- 
hibition could be viewed. Outside the hall is suspended a 
lamp, which bears the words, " Gallery of Scimee .- " this 
put me to think that dancing must have made gigantic strides 
lu England, for in France it is not considered a; a science, 
but all simply an arL I was disappointed in my intention ; 
the jig has not bad place, and it would appear that 

many years it has been abandoned. ] must, however, con- 
fess, tBS 
persons in the shape of the polt 

t it still exists a 

t awkward and uneducated 

Many of the English aristocracy inhabit 
London, which resemble much all otliei' mansions, except 
that they be more elegant. The practice of residing in forti- 
fied castles, and makmg lortUi to plunder the passera, aeetaa 

One of tjie fin-;st parts of London is ths Quadrant of 
Regent Street : this must have excited the jealousy of some 
of the inhabitants of tlie neighbourhood, as I understand 
that there exists an intention to destroy it. 

The Sunday is I'ery sad in London. The only places of 
amusement which are open to the pubhc are the taverns, 
the cigar-shops, the billiard-rooms, saloons, and gambling- 
houses. This, however, proceeds, I understand, froca t£e 
most moral and virtuous motives. The public, afW hearing 
the advantages and beauty of virtue from the priest in the 
morning, finish their lesson by witnessing the evils and 
hideousness of vice in the evening. There is no commerce 
on Sundays, except in cigars, pipes, tobacco, spirits, pasttr, 
and fruit— if not sold in the Streets : in this latter case, the 
attempt even would bo visited by the severest punishment. 

Cooi. ^Messrs. Solomons & Son, the cele- 
brated opticians, have written to inform us fjiat the pair of 
now Specks lately ^covered on the sun, have not been 
furnished by them. 

Tire Right Versios. — An admirer of Albert Smith 
sends us an awful attempt at a conundrum, which, with the 

answer tliereto, runs thus : — 


Would not it have been more appropriate, hearing in mind 
tho immense mass of vapid mbbish Mr, Albert Smith some- 
times publishes, to have said, " Because he emits such 
volumes of smoke ?" 



Shabbt Exobptiok, — The Dean and Chapter of St. 
Paul's are the only managers of any public exhibition in 
tho metropolis, who have not bad the good feeling to put 
the PoppET-Snow on the Frwlist 


FTEU inanj years' eipe- 
rienoe, Hr. Buno, at Co- 
TENT Garden, has found 
out that it is more profit- 
able to pay a frood ealarj 
to an artist, Euch as Mr. 
Sims Heet-es, than a Email 
one to a person wlio Ring 
through his now, such a 
of tho leg! 

, Rce»e 

! bc(ii. 

tho best living tenor after Mario, 

is also a good actor. Whrn asKing a young lauj^ ii 
"fly to some distant land," kc, he never lodka os if h 
were merely offering to " stand " a cab to the Haymarket , 
nor does he, while Pflquesting the prima ilonna to remember 
him, assume tho appearance, and worse than the attitude 
of a waiter, who is putting a similar question to a gentle- 
nan in a cofiee-houae. Ab the music of Haydt» is delial 
fiA, and the singers by whom it was to be executed excel^i 
we suppose its represMitation on Monday night was st 
^eesful 1 but our (in this <»se) disagreeably large circulation 
«oinpeIs us to go to press before ita production, so that, 
although an oid ftiend of ours, ire ma^ be excused, in the 
present case, for possbg it without notice. 

At die HATiuaEBT, although Lefcitimacy boa reigned 

B of riiBafter-piecea bore suspicious marks of 
a foreign origin. Indeed, duni^ his last visit to this Theatre 
H atmck him that Dr. Francis s version of the 
" . , . . flit tnrpiter atrum 
Deainat in piseaa raulier fomosa rapem j, 
«f !B<raee, might bo thus paraphrased : — ^ 

" Or if lie* the L*i{itira«te first plajed 
'Fore nine o'clode with tcBrlul Crcsnick's aid. 
Sboold a French Fuwe the two Ijut hnura unfold, 
W<mld joo not a^ ' Docs htf his promire htjil J ' " 
The Showman is Eotry ao aay that the theatre has 
been veir full ; but as he obserred scvernl titled visitors in the 
private b«xoa, he supposes that Mr. Webster consoles himself 
with the idea that he has at leaM got quality if not quantity. 
The Ltckdv, on Wednevday, the S.'ith ultimo, was crammed 
-excess like a turkey before its ^pearancc at table, or an 
Aldarman after his, to witness tlie dibul of Mr. John Reeve. 
The piece aelecied was one written for the oceosion, and 
«Btitled, Mg Father did to b^ore aig. AlthouKh the 
Showiuv oertainly doos not acbnire the title — which he 
Ihiaka umdier very delinate nor excessively applicablt 
fMn ot join in die herali venlict pronounced on the pieee 
itislf by the m^ority of hie eontsmporarios. True, the 
aulktw, when wnting it, doea not seem to have had quite 
many good sitnatiens at hia disposd as a First Lord o( I 
Treaaury, but tbwe am still as maay in it as in the generality 
of fafoes; and aa to tlie charge of iinprobabdity, as Pulf 
tella his friend Dangle, we don't go to tbetbeatre to set 
diingswluoh happen every day. .But let us aee what groundi 
there are for the accusation. 

Th^CoKiUett de Glairvillt (Mra. Yates) is inconaolable 
for the loss of a favourite parrot, and absolutely refiisos t* 
beetow her hand on her suitor, £onJ/i!ippuiyan (Mr. Selby), 
the innoeent oause of the parrot's escape, until the bird be 
watered. So far, the JShowiiak can percdve nothing par- 
tw«larly outrageous ; if the critics who have condemned the 
pieee were a bttle better acquainted with the higher ordors, 
which diey assuredly ore not— with tite exception of those to 
tiie upper Iwiea, which they generally patronise— they would 

L* Mr. Weialtr, <i( 

* Agua U[. Wcbiler. 

know that it is nothing new for a Countess, or any other 
person of quality, to behave in a stupid and absurd manner ; 
and if they wanted an example, they might take that of the 
celebrated Countess de Mansfeld, or the still stronger one of 
her sexagenarian admirer, the ex-Kinw of Bavaria. 

John Trot, a cabman (Mr. John Reeve), in love with 
Laura (Miss Fitzwillinm), the Counttis't maid, finds the 
bird, hut refuses to restore it, unless he is allowed to snatch 
a kiss from the aristocratic cheek of its lovely mistress. Now, 
here the charge of improbability certainly appears more 
reasonable ; but in the present ago wo see so many instances of 
people aping the absurdities of their superiors, that we may 
even look over this, especially as we all know that /« 
atitttbui nOH rtt iliiputnndiiro, as the individual said when 
Ilia hnt was blown off during Ids passage over Waterloo 

Now, it appears that John Trot, in anticipation of tlio 
pleasure he should have, has indulged iu the phrase " who 
kissed the Countess?" and the paiTot, who has heani him, 
and is as perfect a reneoter as anj^ manufactured by Mr. 
Dent, has caught it. On Uiis slight incident tlie plot of the 
[liece is founded. 

A certain young JT.orJ Popinjay has been going about 
pursuing the aristocratic but immoral jiastime of seduction 
in several families, under various disguises, euch as those of 
a gardener, groom, jagcr, Im. Now, here again the Show- 
man owns tlie improbobility is very evident, as no young 
Loi-d would behave himself sufficiently well to escape detec- 
tion for four-and- twenty houra ; and it is not to be supposed 
that he triumphed over his fair victims in so short a time as 
that. I^eaving this point for others to settle, the SnowuAN will 
merely observe that Lard Flipping''"' takes Jolm Trot for 
the noble and systematic seducer. In this ofiiuion he is still 
more confirmed by the parrot's constantly grving vent to its 
natural flow of spirits in the question " Who kissed the cab- 
man?" The mystery is, however, at last tatisfiietorily 
cleared up — the Countess bestows her hand on his Lordship, 
and Jolai obtains that of Laura, who gives the inqiiisitive 
and feathered native of other climes tho verv plain, but 
somewhat coarse answer, " His wife, you fool ! the last 
time he asks bis oft-reiterated question. 

Mra. Yates had a part quite imworthy of her j hut, like 
ft fa^ionable lady with some hideons monster of a lap-dog, 
she made much of it. Mr. Selby was excellent as Lurii 
Flippitgtan, and Uiss Fitzwilliam was as pleasing as she 

With regard to Mr. John Reeve, the Showuan has much 
pleasure in being able to affirm that ho quite comes up to the 
expectations ho had formed of him, Mr. Reeve is not yet a 
finished actor : time alone will be able to mellow down cer- 
tain little faults in hia style; but he evidently posees>ses 
talent of no common description. Ilis whole personification 
of the cabman was excellent, particularly where he imitates 
the movements of a tight-rope dancer, in which he in this 
part forcibly reminded people of tito ability fur which his late 
father was celebrated. Let him only persevere, and the 
Showuak will soon be ablo to exclaim or him — seaii^ tlint 
there is now no Augustus to forbid an altera^on in Virgil's 
immortal text — 

"[Sequiinrque patrera cum possibue «quis." 

At the Fri.vcess's, a few nights since, a farce, called 
Hit First Pe«tad'Uo (we hope it will be tho authtr's lasfl, 
was brought out, and, strange to say, not damned. It 
is one of 3ie worst farces — ana we have seen a good many 
bad ones — that was ever produced " at this or any oilier 
theatre." There was an officer who bchnved in an ungen- 
tleraanly and stupid manner; who stopped milliners' girls in 
the street moat rudelv, and adced hts sister to supper at a 
cq/^, which appeared to be frequented bv improper charac- 
ters. Oiberry ployed a Mr. Jmiint, tne husband of the 
'baid officer's Bister (could he have been a sherilTa oflieer?), 
and met ber in tho said eafe for improper characters — where, 
aa they vcro both bad ones enough, in one point of vii'W at 
least, they must have been quite at home. Jmkiiit did nut 
have his ears boxed by hia wife, which he richly de^irvrd, if 
only for his vulgar and absurdly eiaggiualed stvlc oi acting. 

Some gentleman, whose name wo forget, playc "' 

a stylo which would have procured hia iBStr 
— ■— -' from any respectable establishment. Hi 



ber, that & w^ter is nm-er allowed to take libcrtiea with ihc 
guests, Dor even to kick tlio under-wailen about. Another 
actor played a part, the fun nf which consisted in the con- 
stant asaertioo that the character itt qtiestion— the sense of 
which waa, by-thfrbje, quite out of thequestion — ought to be 
treated as a " churchwai'den anij a moral man ;" a phrase 
which he repeated twenty tiniM, in the vain hope of making 
the audience laugh. _ These " catch-words, aa they are 
called, are serious nuisances : if a joke be not productive of 
merriment when first [tronouDced, how is it possible that it 
can be relished after its fifteenth repetition ! The dialogue 
of the farce is never witty, and occasionally indecent. Some 
persons applauded at its conclusion— they were doubtless glad 
it was all over. 

Having now done our best to convince the leasee of 
the absurdity of bringing out such farces as the one just 
alluded to, let us congratulate him on the success which 
has attended the exccedin°lr pretty opera of LMine. 
Some of the critics who think it very fine to abuse Auber 
and FlotOW, and who argue that because Handel was a 
good musician, therefore every one who does not write in the 
same style must be a bad one — theee hateful Bcribblers, 
who at one time abused Bellini, and endeavoured to crush 
Norma ( ! ) — who subsequently attacked Meyerbeer and 
Sohert U Diahle, and even more recently affected to demise 
Donizetti : tliese mi^erabk twaddlers have been pretending 
tliat the music of Lioline is worthless. Ilowever, it was 
BuccessM in Paris before these jiersons ever heard of it, and 
will bo just as successful in London, in spite of their condem- 
nation. The ballet of Etmeralda is exceedingly well put 
on the stage. We object, however, to Floxmore's perfor- 
mance : hiB grimaces are too hideous, and his acUn^ 
altogether is a caricature. One would think from his 
representation, that Pierr* Gringoire was an idiot and not a 
poet. We may well say, in this case, "^oela noaJtt"—i.e., 
ne is a poet not fit to tie seen. Mademoiselle Thierry makes 
a delightful Utmeralda, and fully deserves the title of 
Carlotta the Second. If Mr. Fleimoro wishes to rlay his 
part properly, he liad better call at our office when the opera 
opens, and we will give him ci^ht shillings to go and see 
Ferrot ; and if Mademoiselle Tbienr desires to bo applauded 
as she deserves, she ought lo send us some gloves, as the 
wear and tear of those articles consequent upon giving 
her the palm — that ia, giving her both palraa — renders the 
express'on of our approbat'on an eipcns e matter 




Strakob bdt Trde.— The papers tell us that, among 
other measures adopted b^ the ciiic authorities against 
cholera. " a tloHdiiig committee of physicians will nt, ' iie. 
How will tbey mauage ? 

SnABP WOBK. — A gentleman, well-known on 'Change, 
was observed the other morning to cut all his acquaint- 
ances. On heoBg asked his reason, he was unahle to 
give one ; nor waa the mystery solved until he happened 
to put his hand in his pocket, and pull out a cake of 
Mechi's patent razor pa&te which he happened to have 


JuLLiEN now his bdlon waving. 

All bis strength for one crush saving, 

Looks at four conspiring leaders — 

Summons then a few seceders — 

The trombones nOw great lengths are going, 

Cioffi like a steamer blowing, 

K(enig, too, our ears is splitting — 

Ah, see ! Jullien's brows ore knitting ! 
What dost wish ? By Jove, he smiles ! 
Looking at Baumann all the whiles. 
Tlie crisis comes — arrives the crash — 
And nature seems to end in one great Bmash ! 

Some man named Campbell has just come b^ore the public, 
to whom he was, luckUv enough, previously unkpown, with a 
letter about the hateful Scotti^i Central Railway. Aftor 
observing in an affected manner that ke " auanm the para- 
graph " (relating lo theshameful treatment of the Ducbeea of 
^utnerland) " to be correct," Campbell says that be 
" attaches no importance to the circumstance, as the Earl 
of Carlisle hod expired on the previous diw. Campbell, how- 
ever, doei attach some importance to it, for, as a airect4» of 
the company, and the proposer of the barbarous and pre- 
eminently unchristian like resolution — (a fact which he states 
as if it were no disgrace to him!) — he suggests, with intellect 
equal to his humanity, that a discretionary power should be 
left with those in whom confidenoe can bo placed, to forward 
any one who can satisfy them that his is indeed a case of 
necessity and mercy. 

Now, how are these huI way; officials, "in whom confi- 
dence can be placed," to decide whether a cose be one 
of " neceeuty and mercv." 

Would persons he allowed to visit friends who were sufier- 
ing merely from incipient chdera ; or would it be necessary 
for ilie disease to have arrived at its last stage ? Would it he 
deemed religious and godly to allow a sister to proceed to 
a brother who had^oth nis legs and a rib or two broken; or 
would it be requisite that bis arms should also be fraetm«d ? 
Some patienta linger for weeks at the point of death, and we 
can fancy that a relative about t« visit one so affected, would 
be accosted by a brutal but godly engine-driver — one, in fact, 
" in whom confidence couH be placed" — with the words, 
" Oh yea, that 's all very well, but your inmtd has been dying 
this last fortnight; you must wiut till tomorrow." 

When acme other lady has had her feelings mfficientlr 
harassed through the brutal bigotry of the Scottish Central 
Directors, there will probably be a furtber relaxatiSn in the 
rule relative to Sunday trains ; and when — which we fer 
vently hope will soon bo the case — some godlf director shall 
discover tliat the delay of one day has coat him a few thou- 
sands, the rule will of course be aDolished. 





Cb&ptek II. — The Choice of a Pbofeuion. 

N my mterview with Tom- 
\ kins, he continued as fol- 
J Jowa : — 

" I should infonn you 

that It waj not so much a 

positive love for literature 

r and its excitement, irbetber 

' of fiulutte or successes, aa 

an absolute distaste for vhat 

I considered the vulgaris of 

trade, that induced me to 

adopt the profeewou on Trhich 

I decided after IsaTiDg schocd. 

C<»nmerce being put out of 

the question, what was I, 

a yoonj; man with moderate talents and little mone^, plenty 

of r^itions but few friends, to attempt. Want of intareat 

and porerty effectuallj shut me out from the church, the 

army, and the bar— at least for the present : liiie erery 

TOmf man who has had (and, alas ! sometimes has not 

bad) a liberal education, and who can satisfactorily prove 

diat a magistrate is unjust if he transports a child for st«al- 

mg a penny bun, I fancied myself eminently fitted for a 

hi^ litaadon on the London preea. 

" Unfbrtanately, the editors were not of the same opinion, 
mi I titerefore determined to try the magazines. 

" I inote during a long penod for several of these— not 
that mr artidea were inserted, for I could never obtain even 
the iligUMt information as to what would or had become of 
thtni. Borne of die smaller periodicak, however, d«Eiied to 
take BCM&e notice of n« in the ' Answers toCorrespondeiits, ' 
where I was informed that ' P. B. T. is an ass ! ' 'If 
P, B. T. will send us his addreas, we will forward him a 
•tni^t-jacket ; ' or. 'We shall find a place fcR' P. B. T.'s 
DODtnbntions Id oar waste-paper basket. 

" Unfortmiately then were no ' promBS ' publications of 
that period (happy period !), otherwise, I think, with all due 
modesty, that I should have experienced no difficulty in de- 
monstrating that the labourer who dines off a penn orth of 
potatoes and no salt, is not half so lucky a fellow as his 
master, whose appetite is tempted by all the reasonable and un- 
leMOnahle luxuries which may occur between sonp and Curasao 
(both included). Besides, 1 was just in the hucnour to turn 
philanthropist. Hy tailor had refused to give mo credit, 
whudi prevented me seeing my acquaintanoes, and I had 
scaraelr any money left ; accordingly, I hated the rich and 
ajnipathised vrith the poor. 

It was evident that I had no immediate chance in 
periodical literature ; and aait was necessary to do somethlnK. 
1 determined to go to a publisher who had brought out the 
moet Btupid wor)t of the day, sud had paid largely for it. I 
ai-gued, that if this alchemist of publishers hnd, in a cele- 
hrated instance, changed lead into gold, he would willingly 
give s fur value for my literary silver : we sfaould both be 
Kainers by the transaction. I was agun disappointed. The 
doll writer had neariy roined the credulous bookseller, who 
poaitivdy declined treating with any author whatsoever. 
Tbna do fools destroy the profits of the literary profeesion ! 
" Bat I was not to he cWked in this manDer. Starvation 
in the rear and celebrity within reach (for I still believed 
mTself a Byron in embryo), I borrowed that entertaining 
'▼olume, the Post Office Directory, and set deLberately to 
work copying out the names of ufl the London publishera, 

• iTi ■ ■ ' 

^nal plan was full of errors, and I accordingly revised it, 
dividing the unconscious booksellers into classes, such as 
Religious, Legal, SUtistical. Fnat, Slightly Immoral, ie. 
' ' Among other works which I prepared for the ' benefit ' 

Mmu iiuiBuiduiis ui i^nuun, wim arusi Accounts ot tneir 
Wives and Children, if any ;' ' Devotions for every Hour 
of every Day in the Year ; ' ' Life at the Casino ; ' 
' Adelaide and WUhelmina, or the Flowera ; ' a syncretic 
traeedy; and a pamphlet on Chartism. Of each of these 
books I wrote several pages for inspection, hut in uo case 
was the answer which I received propitious. One man would 
like to see some more of my manuscript before he eavo a 
decided opinion ; another bad seen quite enough of it al- 
ready. My ' Devotions ' were objected to, at one time, for 
bung too orthodox, and at another for beinz full of high 
church prejudices. The 'Lives of Eminent^uniors,' and 
several of tne otbere were nniverstilly condemned ; and only 
one publisher appeared willing to entertain either of my pro- 
jects for a moment. This was a person who hod been much 
struck hy my idea of s metropolitan hic^raphy, and who 
mode me the magnificent offer of bringing it out and adver> 
tizing it. provide I would pay for the printmg, I after- 
wards discovered that my friend was in )iartnership with a 
printer, and almost wished that I had acceded to his terms, 
for I had scarcely a shilling in the world, and the expenses 
would have been enormous. 

"I wasnow almost in despair; andhadnota small legacy 
came to me about this time, I should, I fear, have committea 
suicide. At a later period in life, when in isiniilar circum- 
stances, I went into the Police force : such is the change 
produced in our feelings by experience and misfortune I 

"Like all personsofasoucuine temperament, I waaseldom 
unhappy when able to supply my immediate wants. Since 
the reception of the welcome sum, which after all was little 
enough, I had attired mvself in a manner more suitable to 
my position in life, haa changed my apartments fur mors 

fbr Toy own him whom Mte should select ; but ultimately I 

I detenmned that tiie best course to pursue would be that of 

cnUing deliberately on every one of them, from Burlington 

Street to Paternoster Row, and stating my object In a pre- 

LDged speech, of which the first words were to be ; — ' I 

9 a manuscript to submit to you, which, I think, will 

t with TOUT approbation.' , 

" £nt here again difficulties presented themselves. It 
would be useless to take a fcury tale to a law publisher's, and 
' Sketches after Dark' wadd be anything hut acceptable 
1. lUviuKton. of St. Paul's Churchyard. My ori- 

fashionahle ones, and was leisurely eating my breakfast and 
reading the newepaper, when my attention was caught by 

the notice of a farce recently produced at theatre, and 

in which the following passage occurred : — ' The author has 
evidraitly mistaken vulgarity for wit, and slang for satire. 
The mam idea of the ptece is stolen &om the French, but 
clumsily stolen : the dialogue, from its dulness, is, we should 
think, the writer's own. Mr. Saveall should secure the ser- 
vicee of some really vritty writer, or give up the production of 
such pieces.' 

" ' What ! 'exclaimed I, 'give up the production of sudi 

K' ices ! If Saveall gives up the production of such pieces, 
may aa well shut up his theatre ; in short, he will be 
ruined. No. I will rescue Saveall ! What does he 
wont? Merely a "witty writer." Why cannot I write 
his pieces? I know the difference between vulgarity and 
wit, and never, even when listening to a burlesque, did I 
mistake elang for satire ! No ; Sa^all shall pay me ftjr a 
farce — a moderate sum, for I will not be too hard with him ; 
and I will retrieve Saveall's failing fortunes, otherwise I 
will die with the pen in my hand.' 

" Inspired with these sentiments,! rushed toa stationer's 
and asked for a quire of paper. 

" ' What sort of paper ? ' said the man. 

'" You know the sort,' replied I ; 'it is to write a farce 


THE Puppet-show. 

' ** ' Oh, ' returned the «tationer, ' is that tlie case ? I think, 
tihea, that this will suit you.' 

** And Uius saving, he folded me«p a ^ireof most ele^jjaat 

fa|>er, for which I paid double what I should have done had 
not told him about the farce. 
'' Having purchased the most expensive sted pen that ooidd 
be procured, I set to work. I was, however, at once de- 
tracted bv consideration as to whether I should inform 
Saveall, before commenoing the farce, of my generous in- 
tentions towards him, or send it to him in a complete state. 
I ultimately determined on the latter course. Had I chosen 
the former, I should probably have saved myself much trouWe 
and mortification. 

** Long and earnestly did I think before I could fix on any 
title ^atever worthy of the piece which I was about to write. 
I had no idea of what the farce was to be, ^ther as regarded 
the characters or the scene. But I oould not get on without 
first having a title ; and xis very striking ones, suoh as 
' Halloa there ! ' or, ' You 'd better not I ' were the fashieo 
at that period, I determined to have something of a li^uQg 
character, and the first page was ultimately arranged as 

foUows : — 


. ' r- Br ^■ 



I had a long dispute with myself as to whether the 
word Esquire should follow my name, but remembering that 
one never heard of " William Shakspere, Esq.," I deter- 
mined to drop the title. 

" As I began writing, the plot came almost niaturally : 
characters unexpectedly sprang up aroimd me, and tlie 
farce (in which, oy-the-bye, some capital parodies were in- 
troduced) was finished \)efore I went to bed, which was not 
until a late hour in the momine. 

" When in bed I was unable to deep. I began bothering 
myself about the price, and ultimately decided the question 
in the following manner : — * Webster,' thought I, * gave 
five hundred pounds for an execrable comedy in five acts, 
that was no more a camedy than my farce is. Now, if a 
bad piece in five acts is worth five hundred pounds, surely 
a good one in a single act will fetch one hundred. But 
Saveall may be, and doubtless is, a poor man: let us, 
^erefore, divide the aom by two, and the result wiU be fifty 
pounds, which I shall doubtless reoeive.' 

*' And with this oaotfM^iabb conclusion I fell asleep. " 


The following are the qualifications for the Emperor of a 
great nation, as Emperors go in these days :^ 

He should be related to some great nian in some way or 
another. To be sure. Nature seldom gives two great men to 
one family; but never mind, ^e may have done so in the 
particular instance ; and if the man act iu the belief that she 
has, and should happen to find that it was a mistake — what 
of it ? The country only lodes an army or two in the experi- 
ment, and plunges mto civil disorder when it has failed. Vtw 

He should be a bad public speaker — stammering rather 
a qualification than otherwise. Eloquence is a dangerous 
faculty, and might enable him to mislead the people. On the 
whole, he should be as nearly as possible the greatest booby 
in the National Assembly of his country. ^ Vice VEmpereur! 

He need not have much military expemnoe, but a know* 
ledge of biUiards is indispensable. Haixdling the cue is the 
first step towards handling the sceptre. Vive VEmpereur f 
I I The above qualifications will do for a man who aspires to 
overthrow a republic, and neutralise the effisots of a revolu> 
tion. ^ To preserve an ancient empire, however— such as 
Austria — an idiot will do capitally. Vive VEmpereur I 

Deep-rooted In j cut. — Some malefactors latdy efiected 
an entrance into the celliir of an extensive florist in Covent 
Garden, and stole a great number of valuable tulip and other 
bulbs. Of some of the varieties, they did not leave even a 
single specimen. As a natural consequence, their unfortu- 
nate victim is very much " out of sorts.'* 


The Sun, in speaking of Miss Kelly, who has been engaged 
to read to the members of the Whittmgton Ckrb, fAtiises the 
audience, who, it appears, ''listened with great attention." 
We are happy also to hear that ihe reading was accompMiied 
by "idl tine necessary ifftelligeuce," though we are afiraid 
that the intelligence necessary to a great many of the mem- 
bers who were oein^ read to, must have beea what liie play- 
bills would call ** lyt the most varied chaMcttt*. " 

The play read to llie young gentlemen w&s the Afertkamt 
of Ktfwicd— certainly a very appropriate oM, coimderi^g ^e 
commercial pursuits of the pupds. Some 4if ihit** necessary 
intdligence, or which, at all events, w«b ooneMered ao b^ 
l^e members of tiie class, was contidiied m lim reflea to 
the following questions : — 

1. Wliere'8V(auoe,andwbat6artofapiMeklt? OrisfttMdy 



the princess spukea of ia the song, as ** Beautifiil Venice^ 
Queeaofthe Sea?" 

Was Antonio a wiDe-mcsoltfait, or a ooal-msrchaBt, ar what 
Bort of merchant was he ; and was he in a laijge way of 
business ? 

3. How many clerks did the merdiant hav% what tahiies tt he 
ive thiem, and were they treaited as one; tvo, or thiefe^ as 
case may be; of the fiani^y ? 

At what theatre dad Ltumoeht the 4tam fedkm; and waate 

Bid Shylock discount many faiUs ; aad if sqi mkA 

did lie change ? 

Was the ponad ef Mb. wUdi tltt Jaw Mnd toairt 
jMoMs boMm, a pMuidaoMidi^g ta Avbiidnpiin, ot ac- 
cording to Troy weight f 

7. J>\iiJi(mg^^i!tvMmnktiSb%Merch^^ 
who did! 






'W.M' I ■! l ii'll 

r u 1 . s 

r ■!■■ 



Tms following may be said to be the prittciDbB of lliOBe ivtio 
ostentatiously call themselves "progress' writwa-'-aa Aa- 
ttnct from tlie great i^osophical liberals — such as Carlyle, 
Lamartine, and others, whom the Showman admires and 
approves : — 

• 1. Every criminal, murderer, hmglar, or 4ilher» is aa 
injured innocent, for whose guilt society ia respoaaible. 

2. A reepecti^le man is a contemptible betng. ^ To wear 
good clothes ; take one's ^unily to church ; Bul^cribe to the 
charitable societies ; and encourage religioos Missions, afa 
"respectable," and, therefore, contemptible actions. 

3. Every classical acholar is a pedant. It ia SMfte 
enlightened to know nothii^ of the two great laaguagea of 


4. Each Bishop duly dinee on a titfee-^ig. The dargy 
are a gluttonous body, and moat disgracefully rsspeetaUe. 

5. All military offioers are murderers and assassins. 

6. The people ought to govern, and the people mist be 
educated ; out as to govern is a primary ri^t, they ouf^t 
to have power before they are eduoBkted. 

7. The Constitution, monarchy, aristocracy, law, cus- 
tom, and Christianity, are *' barbarous relics of ancient 

An habitual advooaoy of the above^ garnished with 
sneers, jibes, irony, and an assumption of virtuous indig- 
nation, constitute iIm stock-in-trade of the regular "pr»» 
gress" writer, who feathers his nest with the featkera 
plucked from die radical geeae of the lower ordoa. Tke 
*' progress " writer commomy abuses the custemi of puttmg 
servants in livery, and keeps a smaU boy covered wita 
buttons. The "gag" is beffianing gradual! j to be seen 
through, and we trust soon tl^ " poor man wiH be de- 
livered from his '* friends," who are, in fact, his real Mipres- 
sors. The honourable and dignified liberaliam aWve allttded 
to is disgraced by these rascally characterSy as the medieal 
profession is by the proceedings of quacks. 





Tnr« *VBB9£SS 

Prince Louis Napoleon uaatJif 
paper — " foolscap, " of jcottraa 


A yerr ^emocTAiks solioeJmaitar 
•Uow a ruler in the writiag-dflak. 

mUl aot eren 

The Bishop of Londen ^wwb ^ud^ 
^ heaometbekMroftlMkdl, k 
tke'see, if he can help it. 

^Ihowh the Charter 
wtkmS he tin law of 

The sentence on record against the Irish rehels is, " that 
they he hanged and quartered." It has been a matter of 
surprise to many neople that what formerly always constituted 
a third part of tnis barhar»us aentence, viz;, ^* that they be 
drawn, should be omitted. The reason is, that the culprits 
have been already drawn— in the lUuitraM London News, 

It is rumoured that Louis Biaoo has applied for a situa- 
tion as vaulier at one of the amphitheatres ; this is more 
than probable, when we raeoUeet how nnequalled he is in 
jwnping^BX least to a conclusion. 

We have heard it said that &e puns of Albert Smith are 
far-fetched; that they certainly are, if fetched from his 
brains, which are far enough, erery one knows. 

The stone of which the New Palace at Westminster, the 
Hall in Lincoln's Inn Fields* and the New French Church 
are built, is in a state of rapid decay. Surely those who 
selected it must have been stone-blind. 

In speaking of the &ree of The Danes of the Shirt at the 
Adelphi, the Swi observes that there " is some stuff in it.'* 
It might have said that it is all stuff from beginning to end 

It is agreed on by all, that the Irish " sentences " are 
too severe to be earned into execution. Why, then, are they 
sufiered to be inflicted so unmereifnlly on the nation, by the 
Irish members at St Stephen's ? 

Two of the German Prinees of the retrograde movement 
were driving ehoai the other day, and flung out of the 
carriage. This is good news, ainee when rogues '* fall out " 
honest men come by their own. 

Mr. Aacns B. Reach, we pereeive, announces *' A Book 
with Lpon Cuuspa." This ii ratner an unnecessary precaution, 
4tf weete q^aate sure no one iriU &el disposed to open it. 

A French National Guard 'seemed much surprised at our 
speaking disrespectfully of the Lord Mayor's exhibitions ; 
m was not aware, as we are, that they are but peu de cho$$ 

We see bj* the papers that orders have been given to fell 
most of the tunber on the Buddughamshire estates. What 
are aH the ordinances of Louis Philippe and the idiotic 
Emperor of Austria to so fell a decree as this ! 



Let us away I away ! away ! 

Here we pine in constant sorrow ; 
Here we starve each weary day. 

And form no hones of a better morrow. ' * 
Here we are joatlea, crushed, undone, 

S<]ueezed and trampled by friend and n^hbour ; 
Wilhng[ to work, but finding none 

To give us a fee for our honest labour. 


Let us «MM ! away ! away ! 

Here^ beiore our youth has faded. 
The hejpes of youth, in a swift 4eea/, 

Leave us ^Ittfirited, iM, and lamL 
Here^ if we wed m ^mt noon of ufe. 

We mtk distress to our acaatf taUe. 
What ri|^t has squalor to wed a wife? 

Let us A way, while we are able. 

Mm «s away ! away! away ! 

Married or stogie, it seareelf malli s ; 
Wer let us toil (torn day to ^y^ 

What do weeam ? — dry hmad andtsllKm. 
If we Bass the gulf frem yoath to a^. 

The heat of hopes with wliidi we tiU it 
Ave the Umom howse, thai pasper ca^e, 

Witk tta Mkum alrigy and ki daily ikillilL 


iietiisawwy! amqr! awi^! 

The bounteous earrh is wide aad pinisant ; 
But for us and ours, if here we stay, 

Dull and ch ee i 'l es s is die present. 
Darker the ftiture : but if we go, 

And think a kindly fate has sent us. 
We shall find a home where the rivers flow, ^ 

And live our lives as nature meant as. 


Let us away! away! away! 

There is wealth tor work o*er the western watea ; 
IU>ofs for oar heads, when they are grey. 

And warm firesides for our sons and daughters. 
We dream no dreams of a golden land, 

We build no baseless hopes romantic ; 
But we feel and know that a man's right hand ] 

Is the best of friends o*er the bread Atlantic. 


Let us away! away! away! 

We leave no ties our hearts to fetter ; 
We love our country— well we may— 

But we love our inclepeadenoe lietter. 
Landlords there f or paupers here f 

Here hopeless toil—tA^v brisk endeavour ? 
Take our olessing, our country dear — 

But farewell, England ! Farewell, ever ! 

VANirr Fabe. — Taking a cab to cross the road to an 
evening party. 

Orioiit op a wbll-knowk Proverb. — "Will Shak- 
spere was standing at y« firste performance of a newe piece in 
y« pitte of y« Globe, alle along wythe y* groundlings, as 
y* nouse was so crowded that he hadde not l^en able to gette 
a playce on y* stage or in anie of y roomes, when of a 
sudden, Ben Johnson, who was wythe hym, cried out, as he 
pointed to y« ginger-here woman who was in one of y* scaf- 
roldes or gallerys (which are also called y* sKppes) rarthest 
from them, * I wolde I hadde a cuppe of that woman her 
fayre nectar ;' to which Will Shaksn^re replied, * Aye, but 
by my faythe that can not be, for tnere is manie a slinpe 
betweene y« cuppe and y» lippe ;' which so delighted sunarie 
court gallants wi^o heard it, that thei did retaile it to Hir 
Ma^, who ifVA greatlie pleased tX y« conceite.'*— 5iirft«7*'« 



For the pmeot we hkve no wieh to " Bfauffle off this mortal 
coil," or, in other words, to eboke off the acquaintance of the 
se^Mrpent, for be is a popular beut, and we will for a Bbort 
time pander to the monBtroiu taste of the mob, although we 
give notice that it ie our iotentian, in the coune of a week or 
two, to adopt rigorous means for his suppression, for, with a 
prophetic eye, we see a long course of peraeention instorefor 
the unhappj public; tierj thing wtlT be serpentine; tnxj 
cape, cap, muff, collar, band-box, and book, will be chris- 
tened after this popular animal, and we aball have the creature 
staring us in the face from erery print-shop window in eyery 
thoroughfore, blinil-alley, ana arcade, tnrough which we 
may chance to walk. 

It is currently reported Mtutof the muucal world that no 
less than nine serpent polkas, with solos on the cogominol 
iuBtrumeut, are in course of pr^aration for Julllcn's concerts, 
whilst a complete set of sea-serpent quadrilles is actually 
finished. In spite of our wish to avoid the sea-serpent, 
should it make its appearance in a manner much to be 
dreaded, namely, as a London eihibition, with a charge of 
one shilling per head for admission — in spite, we say, of our 
desire to avoid this calamity, we seriously think that if the 
marine snake could be caught (which we have the authority 
of an experienced aneler for saying might bo easily e^teo 
by means of an artiScial whole as a bait) and lud along 
some line of railway, say the London and Birmingham, with 
the head at the latter town, and the tail as near the metropolis 
as it would reach, slow excursion truns could then run, 
for the convenience of those who might wish to go the whole 
length of viewing the entire animal, and seeing uie end of it. 
This, by causing immense traffic, would tend to, in some 
mensure, remove the depression from which the line is now 
Buffering, besides having theadvantdgeuf completely appeas- 
ing tlie ieiire of the nbortl on-loving multitude. 


L paying jm cannot get a seat. 
1. Too may get in a beartlj BtjOe of intoxicatioa at a tavon ; 

Bat yon eannot be admitted into a rcading-roaa. 
5. Yon may go to Wettmiiuter Abb^ : 

Bat yon cuuiot itop after the Mmoe to admire the ttatoea. 
0. In KittM parts of SootUnd joa may over-work your terrai 
and drive post-honea to deatk ; 
Bat you ouMt prooeed in a railv^ to see a dying rdatJM. 


Au, — "3fr». Bubb leatfat andfrm.' 


In yonda leafy hranchH, 

Each ape upon his haundiei. 

With tail secnredy twining 

Round the fragrant bougha, 
Declarea, " I 'm here to dine, sir. 
This tempting fruit is mine, air ; 
This is the tree of Uboty^-let 's pkt 
And let 's caroUM !" 

So, tail so gracefid twisting. 
Each ape on orange fisUng, 
The rind in haste removing. 

To eat the beasts began. 
Bat soon «ach dir^i sitter 
Cries, " By Jove, how deuced bitter," 
And down the tree of hlierty 

The loDg-tuled raicaU nn I 
But Boon the oranan-stealen 
W«8 all caplaredby the pedera. 
Who, each a monkey seiEmg 

By his long wavy tail. 
Roared, " Crane along with me, boy^ 
This fitaating must not be, hoys," 
And from iSe tree of liberty 

Took off the dogs to jail t 

So, you who, danger m 
B^iiae to take all waraiiu. 
And, nuhiogr forward maSly, 

Expect BtUl to eM»pe, 
Will find, though bold yon be, air 
That in die " Orange Tree," sir. 
The fruit is very bitter, and each 

Eater but an ape. 

The Timti has onoe more ira^gfid to light a negtiMot land- 
lord in Dorsetahiie. The n^ligent landlord hu been enp- 
erted by a hypocritical parson ; the hvpocri^cal paraon has 
en chec1;ed "by on honest vicar ; the honest vicar has been 
attacked by the n^ligent landlord; and the negligent land- 
lord, finally, has bem snubbed by a smcere rector. Any 
amount of Knocking together of the heads of landlord and 
parson would be obvtoualy useless. Let us content ourselves 
with one observation, it seems that a poor fellow in the 
unhappy counQr "hanged himself, aflcr a consult&tion with 
the minister." As far as we can judge, this poor fellow 
seems to have been the moat rational man in the neighbour. 
hood — for anything tending more to tempt to, or justify, 
suicide than cooimunicaUon with suck a clique we caiuot 







FuD rnf-'t'iM wirrrlftwr"- — oferery Theatrical OlMei, 
iiidttdiiifA«tori Hd A^dience^-^nshowiiig kow naaaral 
it 18 for Sticky ia fl^^ear on Boards ; ao4, in skmt, 
coroprehoB^inz all 4lwt U, etai be, 4ff ougbt io b$ kutmn 
conneded «fi£ Timmtt^, both Before ^ Mind the 

DedwdUd io Hkfi FUm^r of mr Pfijfmhtion, 1.^ Bis 



Act. — To act» a verb, The roeaaiii^ nf tinSs HMd ils di 
rendered. Upoo r^iOTing it to several liijip^ diMpaiiQ 
rttie% we received, (naongst osiers, tlie foU^wiiy t^iestm^ 

Madame Cektie, «'T^ «ct, wmiA |» tpMk ii||^ i^BCM^i irfpiA M* 
FreQi;h wurds." 

Jf r. PanZ B<dford, <»To "ct, jMiii# !• say, * How h» you «^ r-r*. 
rammy-ammy-uaiiiiy kidikii^f — '| b||ieve yoti^jny bc>-o4M^ !* ** 

Tke Man Cowell. " Tq act, moM^ ^'MtMi'^ niggMC ^o«m to the ftoprey 

il/r. IfarUy. " To act, neans to palitf Mwebo^y else |p tha fibs, then 
put yonr bands in ygar trowwtfrn' pot^Mln. tarn rcxipd thr^a times, 
epen your month ^eif wide Jp iay 8(;»n)«thi^ to yoyrself, lUMi then 
wait for the pit to hui^*** 

Mr. T. P. Cookt. ** To act, vumm to aigr, ' Avast hea^ng them/ to 
keep hitching up your paQt«loQB»» aMi to call people con n wi ed 
with terrestrial pursuits ' gmmpuses,' %a4 ganilemen whose nmoes 
are in the law list ' diadt^.' ** 

Mrs. Nisbet. ** To act, mea»« to indulge in oiphionatory esplodona at 
every second word, becauae the papers hare said you l^ftre a *iQiBig- 
ing laugh.' ** 

Act. — Noun tubstantive, A slifoe of a jj^f, as moch as an audience 
can stomach without pausing for hreath. Five acts cooftitote 
a high art drama, written by a genius ; three acts a mere jvdio- 
drama, written by a vulgar playwright. 

Amphitheatre. — A species of theatre where horses play thf prin- 
cipal parts, in opposition to other theatres, where donkejy per- 
form that duty. 

Author (Dramatic). — A humble personage attached to thinires, 
who, by the condescension of the manager and actors, is ^U^wed 
to write the plays by which the latter get their living. The 
species of author most approved of by managers is a supeiMinu- 
ated stage carpenter, or supernumerary dismissed for stupiditjr, 
whose daughter can, with the help of the dictionarv, tnnMliite 
French vaudevilles, which her father "adapts" for tne m^fiiKit' 
mcnts of the company. 

" Ant Oranges, Apples, Sooa-wateb, ob ^vsomu-bwh^**— 

A theatrical phrase, ikmous Wf xeeoxiis^ ux Ab diMfttftf f^''^ ^^ 
the tMg«dy. A$ thuf :— 

Dfiffgerino. " The poisoo— ah ( Vdktffff fWAk" 
B^^Uatoo. " And did she taka*- " 

B<uM-Womw. ** Any orangqi^ 9m^ mAs^waifiTi V g(oger4>eerr' 



Bkums^'-'kamiii^Mimtilofe^^^^ oast from 

b^Ulid the Aiodjifbto on the ttnajf gi orfves before them. On 
4bis subject it wa« that Mofpp vwii tfie foUowhi|( admirable 
lin^ei I— 

which Oarrick trod. " As to most of oar prewnt acton, howevei^ 
we wish that instead of treading the boards tiuj would walk thp 

Cortphbe. — A first-class ballet-rirL A word the gents like to 
use, hot find it difficult to spell, writing it in diren ftthiiTnn^ 
thus— <Corifiiy, Roiyphss, Khorrifiay, Ghoriphee. 

CliORUS.-^A remarkably ubiquitous mimber of ladies and gentlo- 
men. who always go about in crowds, and who^ by a cnriocM 
unanimity of sentiment, always utter the telf-sanie i^inions, at 
the self-same time; io the self-same; or nearly the tdf-Moiie 
words. For ins^ao^ :— 

^ptmdc Her; ^I see her dancing in thebaU!" 

Fmhf LadieM mit4 QnUUmn {all ^ anee). " g s^iji >er dancii« 

iiUhe hall T" a ^^ 

Opcmtic Hem, " O dear me !** 
For^f Ladim mnd Genll^iMn, " f dewT 

, 'Oi^ARl^As eidamiinn shonM 1^ tha> «ni9pi<r« «r stage- 
«anM|rr^ before the jtse of the eortain ; but aniiptiwui, ^trlieor 
krlym thecaseofaiiizh^y^b^no vmam renjuwJW to ly 
the im^ience — when U, mjii^ again. 

i^ARPam-ER's ScEm^^A sc^pa JnteodtMilL wAkk has TiMle or 
m/Hfig to do wlt^ ^ play, in order to give mne isr somelkinr 
io be done bebiad. Most ftdgh art plays are entire^ eompesea 
«f Cfrpemer's Soeaes; htimmB a Jtothing but yawaiag going 
4IP h^tli iMzhind and before. 

CuMbiMf.^— A word which comip in very pat, because it gives us aa 
.oppwiunity of sa^fing, "W^l, having arrived, in imr Diction- 
ary, at the ' eurtiun,' let us, ipitil next week, dn^ iit^ 

" Oh tibwe 's not in wide SlM|a a Ml^t so 
As that wherein Perrot aSvirito W^et, 
la (ha 09ur is9 Mir^gim'HB 4a hf ^^r (ut 

The |yf > EMwaaUa ' 4l||^ 4MP to aach heart' 

BoXi9um»r«-4 ^ ^ niMm ^pmkt (supposed to ha income- 
tax c(H]«otiMff rwiriag tha mf) i4M )ai^ black mall irom the 
white BuJai iiid faiSm thi^wdilfll to tisAA in baxes. It is a 
remarkable foot, mk Mt yugUj aaiOttBied for, that the gift of 
one shilling steritng to one of these teitionariei lovariablv pre- 
vents the arrival of the " party*' who had aai^gad (ha dbolaof 
the firont places. 

Burlesque.— See Tragedt. 

Boards. — The planks ftn-mhig the ttaf^ generally osed by high 
art critics to finish oflT a bit of fine writing about the degeneracy 
of the modem drama, by a touching aUusion to iht *' boards 


We obsenre th^ aome MMUcms individual has lately bera 
leaturiDg to prove that WDkMUK» wis not a man — an indi- 
vidual — but a myth, and that^Jhaktpere's nlajrs were writttti. 
not by Shakspere, but bj Aa lionks. Xiot having heard 
the lecture, we are WMtble to mf «;)iether tha ddiverer thereof 
has succeeded in |llucking at A^ feathers out of the Swan 
of Avon ; but we (ave beoi draidfiillj alansed lest this new 

S^le of theorising i^iMU asa aft And prospec* ihe inevitable 
ects of which would %a 3to ■■laawif jBiBi 1< a hundred 
fears, or so— of such a leeUMi na |he Mowing :-* 

THE PUBLIC is respectfully informed that A LlflTTURB 
will be delivered on AVednesday Evening, the Ist of April, 1948, 
in the STRAND CASINO (formerly Exeter Hall), upon^a varie^ 
af Popular Delusions abroad as to the Literature of the Las^ 

The lecturer will prove — 

1st, That Dickens never existed, and that his works were writiea 
by the Society of Licensed VictuaUers. 

kid. That Douglas Jerrold was only a myth, and that the Mam 
made of Money was written by the Committee of the Whittingtoa 
Club— thus accounting for the book being such a decided fiulure. 

Srd, Hiat BuLVW Lttton was only a symbol, and that Eugeng 
Aram, The Imd Bt^i of Pompeii, Pelham, Harold^ 8[e. 8^., were 
ampfnad hjr toa Umlm Troop. 

iikt Tkat flffffff mm a Misentit^, and that his romances were 
■iBJiiiil bf BiiMia al aft lafenions combinatioDfl of spinning- 

6th, That CooPlft was a BMre Yankee notion, devoid of substance^ 
BMk that the Luti/lke M^khmtt, dec., were written daring their 
vl^ to Londoa by the Ojlbfoeways. 

6th, That '^Thackeray " is a word signifying not aa mdi vidua!, 
but a oooriwatioa of iodlWdaalf ; his Vanity Pair hung fiur too 
l^ood to have been written by any one man t^ alive. 

Admisfdon, Ona l^ulling. Co«»Mm People and Menhert <^ the 

WhiUtagton Chib, Sirywa 

Seeming Anomalt.— Altheo^ tha tndiimen of a cer- 
Uun Manager have one and all datorminad not to serve him 
any longer, still they have informed him that they shall be 
always tto^^t happy to recaiva bis orders. 

Shocking Ignorance. — We have been favoured with a 
view of a letter in which an antiquarian desires to be informed 
whether Grinistoi«d*8 eelabrated snuff, whioh i« efficacious in 
diseases of the eve, would be of any use in restoring the aito 
of Troy, which has long been very unoertoin. 




The Committee of Contributors to the .Puppet-Show, ap- 
pointed t^ ta^e into censidei-ation the moral and literarj 
nealth oT the Metropolis, have made the following Report to 
His Honour the Showman: — 

1. Sleep appears to have been frequently communicated 
by personal interoewae with Albert Suith. The Committee, 
werefore, without expresmg any positive opinion as to 
whetlier asinaaiiy is oris not ^(mtagfoin, content themselves 
with warning the ffM^ 6f the probability of night-mare and 

I other dangcrevs aad disagreewle ^benottiena arising from 
' this source. 

2. People kave been fetmd fmjuently to be turned very 
sick by the existence of periodicals m a decaying state. The 
Committee, therefore, strongly recommend the removal of 
jokes of Punch in a state of decompositioD. All refuse 
matter — such as the virtuous indignation and the serious 
do^grel of ih% fiaid publioatioa — Might also to be speedily 
anocarefuUy thrown awaj. 

3. A state of debiiiiy or exiiattstiimi, however produced, 
increases the liability to dmswse. Such exhaoBting tasks, 
tfae^ore, as the periBBal of Buiwer b HarM, or tho Mttro- 
politan, or 6. P. R. James' Fuiries, or taay modern epic 
whatsoever, must be scrupulously shunned. 

4. The CraotBitte reconubond that the auiho^es should 
inmiediately caim toboohnt up owti pestilent lit«^ary drains 
and oesspoob as Ifae jyry«tonu* of th$. Oaurt, 4c. 

5. One great cause of thd bad state of the poor has been 
found to be ^ OKMtait^ use of anienl penodienls. Let 
every precaution Un ew fore be taken to prevent them from 
swallowing " pros;tosb " mixtores, or any such cordials as 
" philantlu'opist or '' poor man's friend compounds. 

6. Whenever a Chartist ^iiption breaks out, immediate 
warning is to. be g^von to the authorities, iHio, by the most 
stringent prescriptionsi will» it is hoped> fliiccessfully combat 

Finally, the Committee heg to remark that the moral and 
literary health of a groat city depends very much on the use 
of a aoSuiid and Merotts diet ; and that all suoh wishy-washy 
mixtures as fashionable novels, familv twaddle, pretty essays, 
and feeble sonnets, will be found debilitating and itnurious. 
A^ healthy use of Savage Landor^s compounds, or JEIallam's 
mixture, with draughts from Teni^son's Castalian spring, 
will be found most beneficial; and let no one forget to take a 
dose of Puppbt-Show weekl^f . It is the duty of the rich to 
supply this for the use of their poorer neighbours. 



Then farewell Horace, whom I hated bo. 

Not for my faults, but thine ; it is a curse 
To read, not understand, thy comic flow. 

And to have paid for it, which makes it worse. 
We want some deeper fellow to rehearse 

Our little life, so please give up your art. 
Some livelier satirist must our conscience pierce 

With wit, not here and there, but in eacii part. 
So fare thee well— -I '11 sell thee at this butter-mart 

A Chesterfield Thiep. — On the trial of Mullins, the 
Chartist, just before the court adjourned, one of the jury was 
taken aback by his coat being stolen. We suppose the thief 
considered that, being a visitor to the Old Bailey, it was only 
courteowt to adopt the ** habits " he might find there. 

VAiitJE OF AK Heiress. — In Ensfland we say a girl is 
worth twenty thousand pounds; in Sidney they say she is 
worth twenty thousand 9heep, Both here and at the anti- 
podes we agree, however, in saying that such a one is worth 

So MUCH FOR B9CiciNOHAM.~Mr. James Silk Bucking- 
ham, in adverting hia leoturee, letters, voyajges, travels, kc. 
announces aUo a portrait of himself. If it falls in our way, 
wo shall exclaim with CHo'ster, *' Off with his head." 


The managers of this popular place of amusement are loud 
in dieir complaints t>f 1^ badness of the season. This they 
inqnite in « g^reat dejgrae to the unorecedented anaount of 
foreign eompetitton they have lately had to contend with. 
It is currently rqH)rted that 1^ intend to get up a petition 
to Pariiament !br the suppressiMi of Madame TussaUd^s 
rival exhibition in Baker Sti^t. Besides this, however, ihey 
have detormined to intraduee several improvdHMnts in t^ 
uMtntierof oondocting the«shibiti(mv among wlii«eh we may 
mention the admission of children under tvrilve yoatv of a^, 
schooU, and livery-vervants, ait hdf-priee ; nHkd the camkiff 
tmt of a new wid t^rtensive system of adveriiBing, wni<£ 
*cttanot ftul to be attended with the most beneficial results. 

Tfce foHowkig is % copy of a bill with wkiek wfe have 
been polity fikvonred :*- 



l^Hife magnifioent Bihftition is open ibr inspectimi every day. 
Among the otlfer 


iv'hich render it worthy of a visit may be raentioaed tiie Statue of the 


as also the Tomb of the well-kaown Son of 




as likewise the Monoments of those Heroes, 



who died glorioutly in asserting 


in ihR scale of Nations. 

Amoi^ the other parts of this noble Building partictdarly de- 
serving ofnotice may be mentioned the 


in which the slightest whisper is distinctly heard, and the slamming 
of a door resounds like the explosion of a 

TfiouiiiUro CAnH^ir. 

But it would be impossible to describe in a bill all the wonders of 
this truly National Edifice, which had been got up 


Being determined to do all in their power to render iha esta- 
blishment worthy of public support, the Directors have taken the 
requisite measures to msure visitors having an opportunity of seeing 
the Verger who was present at the visits of the 


and also of several other 



Extravagant Design.-^M. Emile Thomas, has eyery 
intention of running through a Kapolcoti (Buonaparte). 

CuR-TESr OP THB STANDARD. —The Standard speaks of 
the members of the Reform Olub as " mangy and hungry 
curs," and alludes to the "whole Whig kennel'* as bemg 
filled with "mongrel curs," The members of the Reform 
Club may or may not be curs, bat they are great fools if they 
are hungry ones, when they have so excellent a cook as M. 
Soyer. As for all the Whigs being " mongrel curs," all we 
can say is, that if so^ they are eyen wen far better off than the 
writer of Billingsgate in the Standard : a mongrel is only half, 
bred, while the scribbler in question is thoroughly (ill-)bred. 




HATDEE ! ! ! < 


Hatdee has been promised half-a-dozen times, and post- 
poned half-a-dozen times : we are not quite sure whether, 
even at this moment, it has been play^, or will be put off 
by interyals of tliree days each to the end of the season. 
At first the ^ indisposition of Mr. Sims Reeyes was the 
excuse ; then it was discovered that another rehearsal was 
requisite ; then Mr. Sims Reeves was taken ill agMu ; and 
at last the production of the unfortunate Haydi4 was delayed 
without any alleged reason whatever. 

One day last week, when this Mrs. Harris of operas had 
been postooned for the fourth or fifth time, we detmnined, in 
the deartn of new operas, to write one for ouraelves. Of 
course we had to reflect for some tune as to what the subject 
should be, and ultimately decided to write a Ubretto on 
*' progress " principles, on an Eliza Cook subject, and in a 
humorous style. It will be observed, that tnis has been 
accomplishea in the most felicitous manner. The ''pro- 
gress ' man will rejoice to see that vice has been punished 
in the most exemplary manner. Cook's " followers ' will be 
gratified with the subject, which is one completely after their 
own hearts, and the lover of humour will be in ecstacies ; but 
of this point modesty forbids us speaking. The result of 
our labours is subjoined. 



Mb. Augustus Silumobb» « Toung CfentUnum* 
Mb. Fbbsuson Walker, a Swindler, 
Mb. Snip, a Meneetable Tradesman. « 

MiM Pkcunia. Richbs, a Young Lady. ] 
ServantSf Dune, Bail\ff$, ^e. fc. 


Mr, Juguitut SUUnwre and Mr, Ferguton WaOrer, 

Walker. Good morrow, sir. How do yoa do ? 
SiLLiMORE. Quite well, I thank yon, sir. And yoa? 

Wal. Alas ! my tulor is so tad a fooL 
He cannot out a coat by any rule ; 
lie makes it first too big and then too small — 
Mr tailor cannot cut a coat at alL 
Ah, no ! he cannot^ cannot cut a coat at aU. 

When I yiew thy Test so charming. 

With a pang I think on Dobbs, 
My disgusting Tittle tailor. 

Only fit to make for snobs. 
All my hopes for his improvement 

Are as wild as Hervey's verse ! * 
What a blessing must thy tailor be ; 

But mine — Ah, what a curse ! 

Sill. {Recit.) Alas, my fi*iend has reason to he sad; 

'T is true those clothes of his are very bad ! 

Much I grieve, beloved Walker, 

That such tailor should be thine ; 
Why not cut him, why not cut him, 

Ajid have some clothes from mine f 

Wal. {aside.) I will cut him, I will cut him. 

And have some dothes firom thine ! 

Wal. How is thy tailor named, my fi*icnd ? 

For to him I will quickly send. 
81LL. His name is Snip. My card you *11 show. 
And then at once *t will let him know 
Your money's safe ; and when he hears 
My name, he '11 give you tick for years. 

j^^ > money's safe; and when he hears 

yL} "^^^ ^® '" 8^^^ { me } *^^^ ^^^ y^^- 



Walker solut. 

{Recit.) Hail happy day ! the introduction 's got. 

And now of clothes I '11 have a precious lot ! 

It is not honour, 't is but fiioe 

That credit now can win. 
And loads of brass will compensate 

For want of any tin. 
That spooney youth his card did give^ 

Thinking, ha ! ha! I'll nay— 
And perhaps I shall, but tnen 'twill be 

At some far distant day. 

That spooney Touth his card did give^ 

That snip then now most bleed ; 
Just to befi^n I 'U order that 

Of whicn I 'm most in need- 
Three firock and two dress coats, ibor ia« 

perfine Uack pantaloons, 
Two palet9ie, and nnnumbered vests 

He '11 fiirnish me eftsoons. 

Ha! hki I see Pecimia comes this way ; 

I 'm far too seedy, so I cannot stay. 

My dithes I 'U get, and try some other day. ! [JScll. 

Enter PecuiOA with her Maid. 

Pbc Methooght my darling Fergnson was bers^ 
My lov^y Walker. Ah ! it is quite clear 
He is n't; so come here my pr^ty dear. 
And tell what said that man without a peer. 

Mau)!. I 0ive your note, be did not spesk. 
He looked first sad, then gay ; 
He smiled, but spoke not ; tDea in grief 

He turned his head away. 
He sud his mother's aunt was ill, 

And he was sad at home. 
And that it would not be good taste 
. ^ To public balls to roam. 

But his clothes were seedy, and so was be^ 
And that 's why at home thy Walker will be. 

PBCUNIA^ His clothes are seedy, and lo is be^ 
jj^ I And that's why at home 1 2J} Walker wiU be. 

Pec. Is my Walker then so seedy f 

Is the gloss worn ofi^his ooatf 
Maid (aside). If not better rigged to-morrow» 

Walker '11 be in the wrong boat 

Finale. EnsenMe. 

Alas ! for him on whom {-.,-} dote; 
The gloss is now worn off his coat. 

(An interral of two years baa elapsed sinoe Act U.l 

Cherus 0/ Duns, Bailiffs, 4«. 
Wo have a plan 
To catch that man. 
And now we can. 

Enter SNIP. 

I gftve him long credit^ 

n.e swore he would pay — 
I gave him the clothes, 

He kept out of the way ; 
But a severely I '11 laj. 
That on this, his weddmg day. 
He his fflnall account shiul pay. 
Or to prison come away ! 

Chorus of Bailiffs. 
He his smalf account shall pay. 
Or to prison come away ! 

Grand Chorus of Snip, Duns, and BAILIFFS, firii^tlmi. 
Vengeance ! vengeance ! to prison he ffoes ; 
Away with the man who won't pay for nis clothes ! 

[Enter FERGUSON, WalKEB, and PECUiaA.) 

1st Bailiff {adoaneing to Febousoit.) 

Wretdied hein^, now I bold theei. 

Turn not vainly from my hand; 
With thy Inide thou woold'st have bolted» 

In the mom, to some fitr land : 




Bat I Md tliee— do not strogigfe, 
Thou can'st never get away. 

Bmnfir thowglit« of J^apPT m»ri*|fii 
TItoii tfi now a baluflrs prey. 

Ten, Itelease me ! Oh, release me from thf hold t 
And in thy parse shall conntless sums be tokt. 

SiOP. No, you devil ! you tried to do rae^ 
But I think 't would be as well 
If I sent you, as a warning, 
In a'spnnging-hoase yoa '11 dir^. 

Finale, FsCTTKLI, SlVTP, Du?lS, and BaiLUTFS. 
Base deceiver, as a warning. 

In a sponging-house you '11 dwdl. 


At the Hayiiarket, Romeo and Jnlwt and the Patricians 
Daughter continue to afford Mim Ltbora A^hlrson an on{ior- 
tunity of making a We3t>eml nudieneB ftc^oainied witli her 
remarkable talents. Now that the timidity incrideiital to her 
first few appearances has, in a measure, worn oW^ this young 
lady appears to much greater advantage tha» she did before. 
She has got more accustomed to her pobHe, and also become 
ixHired to Mr. Creswtck's Romeo ; as a natural consequence, 
her acting is more free and uncofrstrained. There are many 
things, however, iit Laura Addison's style >vhich avo far from 
pleasing : such, for instance, aa the conBtani clenching of 
aer hands, and raisinff bof arms, on every oeeasioH, towards 
the slips of canvas whicb icf remnt the sity ; she has also a 
<^ttfiftom of distorting her features in monenls of passion, so 
AS to transform beraelf frofli the emfinently feronmie and in- 
ieFeetiDg creatore aba is, inie as good a tp^cimenr of an old 
hag as anj one could well desire to see dancmg round the 
immdron in Afackeik, or sitting over the less romantic but 
more practical gmsy'-saiMepao at Norwood or elsewhere. 
,Let Miss Laura A i dM a n but nBUMmber the words of the poet, 
whom, in most instances, she interprets so wdl — " o*erstep 
not the modeatr of iuit«ii*e" — and she wiU eventually become 
one of the hrigntest omam^AlS of the British stage. 

The revivid, this season, of She Stoops to Conquer, reflects 
great •credit on Mr. Webster. Mrs. CHover as Mrs. Hard- 
€a*tU, and Keeley as Tony Lumpkin, are inimitable ; while 
Miss Jtdm Bennett liirows mto tne character of Mix^ Hard- 
€astle a degree of humour aad archness as natural as it is 
pleasing. In that part of the play, too, where^ Miss Hard- 
eustle passes herseli off as a barmaid, Miss Julia Bennett is 
^mineutly amuskij^, the more so that she never foreets for a 
moment ^at-she is the saoire s daugk^ : the gooa breeding 
of the fadjr pierces dirougn the pertness and flippancy of the 
barmaid, m tke some manner that the rich and gor^us 
satin slip of some fear one's hall dress is distinctly visible 
in spite of the more simple muslin which is thrown over it. 

Mr. B. HoU would nave done more justice to the char- 
acter of Young Martow 5f he had been contented not to over- 
do his part : a gentlemair may be modest, but on that verv 
account, would never ma-ke himself so absurd as Mr. Ii. 
HoU did in his interview ytithMiss HardcasUe. By the way, 
where did^ Mr. ff. Holl getr his hat ? The Sii0WM)«r is 
much inclined to question* wh^ether bats of the last fashion 
of 1848 were worn at the time in which the corned? is laid, 
and in conjunctibn with buckskiit breeches and top-boots. 

Mr. Tilbury was ^e Mr. llai -dcaslle, and shrue^d his 
shoulders, and blew out his cheet'B, and elevated nis eye- 
brows', as much OS usual. The Sno tman would feel obliged 
if Mr. Tilbury would inform him whether it is absolutely 
necessary for old gentlemen with daugi-VterB to give awsy, to 
speak fren^a pKHnt about half-way down' their throats^ as if 
tnejr were making abortive attempts at vi^triloquism ? — As 
for Mr. H. Vancfenhoff*s Hattings, what c.*n be said of it ? 
— ^that the style of it belonged^ exclusively to Mr, H. Van- 
denhoff— long may it continue to do so ! 

Of the fSter-pieoes, we may mention Spi'ifff Gardens, 
Lavater, and tiie Roused Lion as the most suv*?cessful — all 
translations ! How does this square with Mr. We bster*8 cry 
of " Legitimacy/' and his avowed hoO^ to foreigin produc- 
tions? How can Mr. Webster abuse French droL'Ofttists, 

and fill his treasury by bringing out their pieces ? But the 
Showman will say no more on this head : he believes that 
Mr. Webster has given up the idea of contending against 
foreign competition by Act of Parliament, and has at length 
determined to conquer it in fair and open combat by supe- 
ri*or excellence ; and if Mr. Webster only contiime as he has 
begim, the Showman ventures to predict that this will be 
more efficacious than all the petitions to Parliament evtsr 

By the wny, the Showman would not eonelndtf this no- 
tice wttboat observing, that although the Brntsefd Lkm 19 
eicenently translated, stift there are eerfadn little d^fbets 
wfcich it wottld be a« well to remedy. For in«f«nce, (diliKmgb 
cest moi is excdfent French, "it 's w* " is execrable EnghSr. 
However partial Mr. Webster may personally be to bad 
grammar, he ought to recollect that when he assumes a 
character he ought also to assume all its distinctive 
marks : Stanislas de Fotiblanche, tlio old lion, is pre-emi- 
nently a gentleman, and as such would speak his native laiK 
^age nurtik. The Showman therefore hofies iAm^ the next 
time Mr. Webster repeats his able personificatfon^ Ik wiM 
prefer " it's I " to **it 's me," aiwl ** it *s ho, Ae;" &c. 1» 
'* it '9 hvm^ her. '* Ample rules on this suhjeet are to be foiin^ 
in all the varkms ffrarnmars for beginners, to be benght 
cheaply, at any old book-sfall. 

Last season, the names of the originof Frendi authors 
w^re given with the Routed Lion, which then purported to 
be merely translated by " Benjamin Webster." At present 
** Benjamin Webster " appears as the author himself. How 
is this ? Is it that Mr. Webster supposes that becsuse the 
farce has been played so long, thai it belongs to him^-as a 
physician s guinea generally does to ^ini— by right of pre* 

At the Adklpbti a oae-act farce, entitled tke Donee of Ike 
Sh^t ; or. Hie Sempetreee « Ball, has been produoMk A num- 
ber of sempstresses club together to give a bol^, and entnmt 
the finids tmi amassed to tb^r employer, Mary WKecUUy 
(Miss Woolgar). During their absence^ this rornig lady, 
howcvcfr, preifert succouring with the money a sick man, and, 
conseqtiently, is exposed to the reproaches of the fair sub- 
scribers, who, on tneir return, are highly indignant at the 
prospect of there being no supper, and indulge in allusions to 
Mary's having embezzled their capital. The matter is 
clearod up by Mary's admirer, who haa hitherto passed 
hhuaelf oh as a poor man, and been lurking about endowed 
with noAiriom designs u^ob Mary's yhrtua^ now coming 
farward and proelaiming himself an " iHuatnont artist." As 
rktm is always ita own nrwardi ai least in farces, the illns- 
triot» artist in <|ueetion, of course, prsfposes for Mary m due 
form, and likewise orders thoBall to be grren at his expense. 
The ** Dance " then takes place, and the curtain ftlls. 

The dialogue of this laree is neither witty nor strik- 
ing — and the few jokes were, exactly of the sort that 
sempstresses would most likely make. Mr. Paul Bedford 
played a fireman, and was as dreary in his attempts at 
nnBoour as he usually is ; but in spite of all this, the faree 
woft not condemned. This faet^ which at first may appear 
surprising, will cease to be so, when it is recollected that 
Miss Woolgar played the heroine, and that she was seconded 
by Mrs. Frank Matthews. 


\fR. Sims Reeves hoe been issuing regular biiffetini; about 
his health, day afler day, as if he was a sick monarch. If 
he goes OB in this way much longer, the following certificate 
may be expected: — 

" I am of opmon diat Mr* Suns Reevea will never be fit 
to sing at all. 

" Thb Showman." 

Railway Arithmetic. — The country, which has hitherto 
siffiered mnch subtraction from the divi«on of the railway com- 
panies, is now to be p«t, by the junction of the North, South, 
and Great Western Companies, under the Rule of Three. 






Dear Showman, — ^Will you have the kindness to use all yoar 
exertions to do away with the "privileges of the press," as iar as 
theatrical admissions are concerned ? Actors and their friends are 
occasionally rejoiced by the announcement that the "Free-list is 
suspended ; "hut that fatal line, the "public press is excepted" 
(by-the-bye, is there any private press? ) always comes to destroy 
the hopes of the newspaper editor. 

The privilege of writing orders is an expense, a bore, and an 
absurdity. As the editor of the Polykumhug, I have the right of 
sending two orders every night for aU the theatres^ all the exhibi- 
tions, all the Casinos, and aU the Tableaux Fivanit, Now I can't 
go to all the theatres, all the exhibitions, all the Casinos, and all 
the Tableaux Fivante in one evening ; and if I could, I could n't 
go every night in the week. As a generous man, I determined to 

f've them away to ladies who ask me to dinner, gentlemen to whom 
owe bets, ana tradesmen to whom I owe bills. This appears, at 
first sights to be a very nice way of doing business ; but observe the 

Ellen Cliffinrd wants to hear Alboni. Her mother asks me to 
dinner, and the mother and daughter unite in asking me for 
tickets. It will cost them two or three sovereigns for a fly and 
other incidental expenses, but the few shillings which the admis- 
sions would oost form the roost important item m their estimate of 
the expenses ; and it would be unbecoming in me, as an habitual 
gentleman and an occasional sponge, to endeavour to convince them 
to the contrary. 

The tickets are, of course, promised ; but on goin^ to the office 
I find that the order is "out" for the nitrht on which I had en- 
gaged to get it ; given awav, in fact, to Fanny Douglas, whose 
mother also gives dinners, the afiair, however, is not over here : 
the Douglases go to the theatre and are advised not to try it on, 
as the order had already gone in (it having been presented two 
weeks previously to a boot-maker, who had so terrifiea me by send- 
ing in his bill, that I had forgotten the whole circumstance) ; or 
else the paper has been taken off the Free-list, in consequence of 
my saying that <me of the simmers alternately screeched like a 
turkey-cock, and bellowed like a bulL 

I shall not dwell upon the terrible result of the above unhappy 
combination of misfortanes : suffice it to say, that in order to iruard 
ajB^ainst any similar mishaps, I give a pound a-week and au the 
tu'kets for ^e Grecian Saloon to an unhappy clerk who comes 
every morning wh^i I am doing my "Crimes, Accidents, and 
Offences," to bother me about the distribution of the orders, make 
entries thereof in a book, and send off at once (by-the-bye, the postage- 
stamps oost me twelve shillings a-week) to the wretched persons 
whom I am endeavouring to oflige, and who would never speak to 
me agun, much leas ask me to dinner, if I were to refhse. But 
the worst of it is, no one is contented with a second-rate theatre. 
I remember endeavouring to palm off Com, the disagreeable boot- 
maker, with a private box for the Haymarket, and the fellow was 
so insolent that I had to kick him down stairs ; and even now I owe 
him a grudge, to say nothing of the small account 

I snail sum up the advantages and disadvantages of writing 
theatrical admissions in the following manner : 

You have the privilege of sending in tickets for all the theatres, 
&c But — 

You have to give them to your friends and your friends' friend, 
and to keep a clerk for their especial benefit If you give a ticket 
away, you are scarcely thanked for it ( " he has them every night 
in the week and can't miss it") ; if you keep it for yourself, or 
have previously disposed of it, you create an enemy for life. 

Yours in disgust, 

Paistun Sizzabs. 

** The Ea&th hatr Bubbles," ke. — On Lord Claren- 
don, it is said, the **vaoant *' Order of the Garter will be con- 
ferred. We should have thought his lordship too intelligent 
to be fooled with such an " empty*' honour. 

Of coubsb not. — The gentleman who writes from lUms- 

fate, and sends us an account of a Jew falling into the inner 
asin there, with a*parccl£of slops he was taking to one of 
the ships, is informed, that the said basin cannot, on that 
account, be denominated a slop-basin. 

Cufiej and the subordinate Chartists, notmthstanding a 
few unpleasant couTJctions caused bj Uieir late conduct, feel 

Suite transported with the idea that thej will be at liberty, 
uring the outward vovage, to regale themselfes with an 
occasional look at the snip's Charter and the points of the 
compass, to make up for the loss of the other points which 
they were unaUe to compass. 


[The following stanzas were supposed by Br. Porson to 
have been composed by Marius amid the ruins of Carthaj^je ; 
other authorities, howeyer, consider them to have been m- 
dited by Jones amid the dSbris of the Quadrant. Tlie 
Showman farours the latter theory.] 


A long farewell, my Quadrant — 

The louuge I loved the best ; 
For heat, the parasol — ^for rain, 

Th' umbreUa of the West. 
No longer 'neath thy nillared shade ' 

I '11 saunter on the loose ; 
These haughty, good-for-noUiing Whigs 

Hare been and cooked thy goose. 


Toplease a few Jew hucksters. 

Toe nicest lounge in town. 
At thy conmiand, my Lord Carlisle, 

Is ruthdessly pulled down : 
The nicest lounge in London, 

For aU the world to meet — 
That happy medium betwixt 

A corridor and street. 


Perhaps 1 11 neyer, when I widk 

Abroad to take the air, 
My gibus doff in Re^t Street, 

And rend my flowmg hair. 
But when, to our lost Quadrant's site, 

In sombre gloom I point, 
I 'U prar that soon Carlisle's Whig nose 

May be put out of joint. 

Chorui by aU Men about Town, 

You Whiggish, priggi^, gohemout^^ you. 

Away ! avaunt ! aroint ! 
We 11 pray that soon jrour Jew-tweaked ncee 

May be put out of joint !^ , 


MoNsnuB, — Je suis Garde Nationale ; j'aime heaueoop 
rAngleteme, les Anglais, et tout ce qui conoeme leur 6tat, 
mais surtout le Half-and-Half. Ou m'a regu partout k bras 
ouverts, et je n'ai k me plaindre de personne si oe n'est d*un 
seul PoUoeman — ^mas ie lui pardonne. Voili, Monsieur le 
Showman, ce tout il s agit. 

Me sentant tr^s-alt^r^je suis toujours trds alt^r^ — 
j*entre ayec un ami dans lui ae vos VauUi pour y prendre un 
petit yerre. Tout-^coup j 'apercerois que mon ami €iait 
sorti pendant que je buvais mon eau-de-vie. 

(A est ce Monsieur ? dis-je i un PoUceman que je rencoQ- 
trai. Ce foncUonaire a sans doute compris que je dis^ 
Wetlmifisier^ car il me r^pondit : 

*' D'abord k ^uche, puis k droits, et enc<»e 4 gauche.'* 

Je lui remercie infinement, et j'avance toujours pour me 
trourer en face de TAbbaye de Westminster: jayais |e 
plaisir de Yoir un beau monument, il est yrai, mais j'ayais 
pttdu mon anu et guide pour toute la joum6e. 

Agr6ez, Monsieur le Showman, etc. 

Un Garde Nahonalb. 


' Tbb Dbak and Craptbe are informed that the Showman has leoeived 
their polite letter, informiag him that for the future hie Orden wiU be 
admitted. The Showman has given a long notice of their eetahMahmeat 
in anodier part of the PurrBT-Snow. 

• - .... .1 » 

JU Commmieationi to the EtiUor or the Pubiitker should be 
addreeeed^Furrvt Show Officb, 334 Strand, 

te ^ - 

Ow&«a ftoKnw 

•B Tiexsm*. at tttt 

»t «h« OAm vT Tlwtoilv f 
•f M. Bride, te tkt CkW vT 


•a4 0». 



Tbe Adiertiier hep to infbnn the Poblio that thia mir and 
interestine' Exhitioa U now open, Ine oTcfaiVKe. 

The AdTertbcT begs to uquaint hi* kind p4tnini Uwt he hu 
prorided everj BocommodatioQ for Ihem, and on the moit rcMonable 
tenni. I^nttmi, of the moat Tuied deecriptiim, wann fitrred 
ahoes ud boot*, lined with flannel, and fomiabed with cwk or 
gntta pen^ aolea ; nuckintoahea, comlbrt«ra, and paletota alwaja 
read;; alao, alargeatockofeooghloieiigea, tobeoscd tor such u 
have vitueMed the EihiUtion, 

N.B. — Ai the ritrhta of tbe anl^eet ore reapected in tbe flillnt 
aenae of the word, aU who patroniae thia C^ecti<Mt are perfectly 
at libertj to poke their walking-alicka through any of the works of 
art exhiuUd, or examine the anriaoe of them nunntdy with their 

Feraona derirooa of ao d<nng ahonld come early, aa, from the 
gnat inflniafriaitora, the inctureeoaniratpOMiblylMtvay long. 

The Showiuit regreta to be obliged to exhibit the Pope in 
an unfaTourable light — and thus to prevent him, until he 
makee the amtndt, from leading that " happy life " which 
ifl 80 often Tocally aitributed to Hie HolineM. It appears 
that the tovBent tenant of the Vatican has been writing a 
letter prohibiting the establishment of the new colleges in 
Ireland. We are really obliged to Uia Holiness, and hope he 
will take some further trouble about ua. Perhaps he will 
write a curt little note repealing the Union, or dispatch a neat 
triangular billet restoring the Heptarchy. Govemment have 
of course dispatched messengers to Rome, in order to ask 
PiuB when he wishes Parliament to meet, and to inquire 
whether he would not be so good as to send a draft of tbe 
speech fhnn tbe throne — not mdeed that there ia much use 
in either throne or parliament, if tbe Bishop of Rome be 
kind enough to take the task of governing Great Bribtin 
into hia own bands. Of course we expect that His Holiness 
will proceed in tbe course wbicb he naa b^an — in which 
case we may shortlv expect a dispatch from the Vatican, 
somewhat to the folTowing purport : — 

au|Jiments to Qneen Victoria and the 

" lat Temple Bar to be shut every night at nine o'clock, and 
no one allowed to paaa alter that hour, except persons bmished 
with paaaporla, signed by the Catholic Biahop of LMidon. 

" find. The publicaUon of the Timei to be stopped forthwith. .' 

"3Td. Tbe lUfimn Bill to be repealed. 

"llh. TheWalhalktobecloaed. 

"Olh. TheHonaeofBnmswick tobe tomedoDtofthewindows, 
and Hr. Sbiart, the aclor, aa representing the ancient dynasty, to 
be placed on the throne, 

"8th. Hr. Uitchell to be recalled ban 
made Lord Lieutenant of Ireland. 

"ftb. The curlew to be rt^UUiabed. 

"8th. B«hwda to be abolished. "* 

"9th. The mooater opheidide at Jullien'a Cmoerts to 

" lOth. An mcome-tax of ten per cenU to be in 
England, Scotland, Ireland, Wales, and the British 
for the good of tbe Papal tieasuiy." 

" P. S. — The Pope expects to reorave a ftvoorable 
return of post. In the event of aueh on answer not i 
hand, the Hmiatry is to consider itself dissolved, and all 
&C., is to be suspended in England until Hia Holiness h 
form another." 

The Father frowned, the Daughter wept: 

Quoth lie. " I 'vo found you out — 
You want to marry that youna Jones, 

The vulgar, hulking lout I 

"He's not a lout!" — "Heiaalout: 

Don't contradict me. Miss. 
His name is Jonee — and he's no lord — ' 

I ask you, is not this 

Sufficient proof that he 'a unfit 
To marij with my daughter ? ^ 

You sha'n't go out, 1 11 keep you in, ' 
And on d^ bie«id and water." 


sMaing to 

The sun has set, and stilt tbe stoim 

Keeps ragine as before ; 
The iightninc darts with vivid light. 

The thunoar-craahes roar. 

Towards eacb opening door ! ' 
Wby does Sir Pompous wildly gaze. 
As be ne'er goiea before ? 

" She 's gone," be cries ; " a sudden light 

Breaks in upon me now." 
He frowns— b anger grinds his teeth, 

And madly knita his brow. 

Louisa's maid then forward conies,'^' 
And says, " The fuult 's not mine ; 

MisB charged me strictly not to give 
This note till after nine." 

Ue reads — be foams—then o'er hia face 3 

There plavs a dev'lish laugh. 
" They think they 're safe — I 'U stop them j> 

By lietrit teltgraph." 

With steaming horses on he drives, 

And reaches soon the station ; 
But, ah .' he's very quickly lost 

la awful consternation. 

To find that e'en t^ elements 

The fueitivea have backed. 
For, 'miast tbe tumult of the air. 

The ttUgraph won't act! 

The happy pair sUll onward push, 
And with the coming sun. 

The Blacksmith makes the two to bi 
Just as the game w 

No Title to Respect. — To such a pitch has the 
eccentric title toaaia among writers come, that a book of 
bacchanalioD aimgs is about to be published under the title 
of Grog Blotiemt, or PimpUt on l/ie Mug af Qetm*. 

A cigar manufacturer, anxious to puff himself^ has sent 
us whatlie describes as a joke, and which is neither more 
norless than the observation, that iFLouis Napoleon becomes 
Emperor, at all events be will be indebted to him for his 



tbe:whittington SLAP-BANG- 

"ttitnii is soThetlilng about the unlucky aflHik^ of the Slap- 
bang, that, like Lant Street, Borough, as described by Mr. 
Difckens, " sheds a gentle melancholy over the soul." As a 
public organ, the Puppbt-Show has had several letters of 
compl)aint from unhappy Slap-bangers, who were seduced, 
under the false pnetence that it was a club for gentlemen, and 
who ultimately found that their privileges consisted of being 
able to subscribe to a dull newspaper, to purchase an^ugly 
portrait, and to dine at a second-rate eating-house. Of the 
unpleasant smell permeating the mansion we ^have already 
spoken. The place is quite disagreeable. 

" Talis sese halitus atris, 
Fancibus effandens nares contingit odore!" 

Indeed, to quote Virgil once more, the odora eanum vis, or 
power of smelling of the dogs, must have been considerably 
strengthened by the odour. 

The Whittmgton Slap-bang was started on high art 
principles, and wiUi lofty moral pretensions. The "pro- 
gress gang who startea it affect to sneer at Casinos (pro- 
bably because they never learned to dance), and yet — ^will 
our readers believe it? — a shilling ball, or hop, has now been 
set up by these vulgar, high-mmded moralists ! However, 
there need be no waUing at the Walhalla, nor consternation 
at the Casino, alUiough this rivalry has been attempted, 
since these places are frequented by gentlemen, and since it 
will require a good deal of hammering at the wooden heads 
of the Slap-bang before any of them will be able to conduct 
like Laurent, or to perform on the eomet-^-pitton like Arban. 

The Slap-bang Committee keep calling on their dupes 
occasionally for fr^h contributaons. But, somehow or other, 
these, like the contributions toPuncA, aro slow. In fact, the 
gag of the place, generally, is beginning to be seen through, 
even by the dull bangers themsema ; SoA tfasre seems every 
possibility of the institution soon steming, and its memory 
with it, in Uie uneonsecrated grave of '^Mra. Bib's baby.** 


* T is strange, the Buke of Buckingham they treated 

Like some ^A Pope a little time ago ; 
For pilgrims numberless from all parts wandered. 

To gaze devoutly at his Grace's Stowe (toe). 


Mr. Showman, — Having heard a great deal of the vait superiority 
of the Germans over ourselves in many particulars, I took the 
opportunity of questioning a German whom I hn;^ned to meet, 
as to the course pursued in his country as regards the study of 
medicine. Would you believe it ? Besides a lot of other humbug, 
they have actually separated examinations and diplomas for surgeiy, 
medicine, and midwifery, and their examinations last, crednt Judaut, 
days, weeks, and even months. Did you ever hear of such a thin^? 
Is "not it damning? We manage things rather differently m 
England. Here we unite bnsraess with pleasure ; and although we 
may not happen to turn our hair fflr^ with study while we *re 
* ' walking * * the hospitals, we get our diploma all the same. There 's 
no place Tike a hospital for a fellow to pick up an idea of life : it 
maKes ** bricks'* of the greatest spoons that ever followed their 
mothers* apron-strings — it turns them from boobies into jolly fel- 
lows— fwo//l/ mvret, you know, and all that. I generally divide a 
fellow's student-life into three phases — here they are : 

Phase One— FiV«f Year, On the 1st of Octolier, 1844, Mr. 
Sidney Pemberton (or any one else) enters the Middlesex. Hospital 
School of Medicine. No one was ever known to attend to lectures 
with more assiduity. Every mormng he may be seen a little before 
nine, A.M., wending his way down Bemer^ Street, with some pon- 
derous work under his arm, and a cotton nmbrella, with a large 
spherical handle, in his right hand. At ^ lecture he takes notes 
assiduously. Under no consideration will he go to the Frothy 
Club held at a public-house near the hospital, and often refuses 
hiyitations to parties, as his acceptance of them wotild interfere with 
his studies. 

PHASE Two — Tht Second Tear. Mr. Sidney Pemberton is not 
present at the introductory lecture, nor does he come to any of the 
lectures delivered during the first fortnight He does not take 
notes. His principal amusement is to laugh at the "new men" 
instead. He iotns the club, thereby showing that his bump of 
cOnWvialify is beginning to develop itself. He only attends suffi- 
cient of his lectures to obtain his certificates. 

Phase Three — Third Ytar, Mr. Sidney Pemberton is not 
heard of until the expiratioB of the first month. In the beginning of 
November he presents himself^ dressed litie a regular out-an-outer — 
he has adopted the sporting style, and wears light drab trowsers, very 
long straps, and an excessivdy flat-MmmM hat He has been 
twice mistaken for an onmibos conductor. He goes to the Adelphi 
and the Coal-hole. At Cltfistmas he receiveir a letter signed by all 
the lecturers to say, that if his attmdittiae for the next three months 
be not more regular, Jiis cerificat^s will be refused. Of the letter 
he makes fun and pipe-lightK, and ^ters the next session at one of 
the larger hospitals. He then gnes to a grinder : reads juBt the 
questions most likely to'to wdnH'r goes up and passes his hour^t 

That '8 the dodge, I&. ^^itcfm^m ; that 's what I call nnitmg 
pleasure with business. ^^ Rnown hundreds of fellows get thdr 
diploma in this way. The snpwiority of the " hour " system is, 
that if you happen to know the leading points in one branch of the 
science, the examiners haye no time to discover that you are 
ignorant of all the rest ; by the time, however, that you have been 
in practice for a year <n* twn yon soon remedy Uiat. You may 
perhaps happen to be What th^ eAll unft>rtnnate and kill half-ardoflen 
patients, but that is not your telfr^it is yoor misfbitane. 

Knowing that yon uke to expose mimbaff,* I hc^yoawill 
insert my l^ter. We take yon in at the ohib.— ^onr obedient Ser- 
vant^ MxBicmk 

* We do ; and, therefore, lutve great pleatore in eiponng it in tlus 
instance. — ^Ths SHowit4N. 


When an argament is misrepresented by a rascal, it is ofiten 
very naturaUy misMpi^Moded by a fM» To pvmsh the 
one and teaeh the other, we ratnm to the wk^t of '* Pro- 
gress.'* Some haye basely said, and others foolishly be- 
Reyed, that we are opposee^ to^ liberBlism, and the cause of 
true progress, because we choose to despise and show up a 
paltry fiction^ who aibUBe Ae nomea for liie purposes ci 
profit, and conduct their cause with want of digni^, deoeney. 
and taste. We are opposed to all this set on pnnciple ; we 
belieye them political quacks and priyate hunobugs, and we 
are fui-thermore perfectly aware tnat personally they are 
yenr inferior persons, in education, ability^ and character, 
to honourable liberals, and eyes to their pohtaod opponenti. 
A few points of eemparison will illustrate the differeooe 
between the true and the sham patriot. The "progress'* man 
is a sham, a kind of doll that bears a decent human appear- 
ance, and, punctured, is found to contain only hard dry bran. 

A true liberal wishes Uie adyance of the people by soi- 
sible and honourable means. He disdains to piaster them 
with flattery, and persuade them that they are superior in 
character and intelligence to all the wealth and education of 
the country. He is for giying them enlightenment before 
^ying them power. He studies ancient history for infcmna- 
tion, and cultiyates his fancy for ornament. While advo- 
cating alterations in institutions, he treats with gentlemanly 
respect those who now form members of their system, and 
haye been brought up to respect it ; nor does lie commit 
the blackguardism oi arguing, that because the Church or 
the Aristocracy are imperfect, therefore all Uie individual 
members of them are personally reprehensible. Such Ittie- 
rals are Carlvle, Bulwer, Lamartme, and Landor ; aiodit is 
with pride that we compare them with the nasty knot of 
scribblers who idolize the rabble, sympathize with the felon, 
encournge the poacher, and think mat England nmst be 
revohitionized ir a few sempstresses are poor. A shorter 
way would be, to hand over the profits of their ** virtuous 
iMfignatimi" effiEisiens to these unfertunatee ; but indignation 
is cnean. Luckily, Ifae publio are beginiUBg to hoM it 
cheap also. 

Our obiect in this matter is therefore perfectly clear. We 
mean to idSentrfy omndvee with the liberals as opposed to Uie 
clique, irho are all ignorance and bile. A slight examina- 
tion of them will prove their want of attainments, and ^e 
pvrity of their ttotifee is shown by ^is, that itisj use thmr 
principles as a means of selling newspapers, puiBng por- 
traits, and filling lecture-foofm. 

We mean to settle these persons before long. As the 
liberal party has its poet-laureate in Landor, so it shall have 
its satirist in Tmfi Showman. 









It appears from some statistics of lunacy that up to 
1845, while in Spain there was only one lunatic in emry 
7,181, in Scotland there was one to every 400. This 
amply accounts for the rejection of Mr. ,Macaulay as 
memher for Edinhurgh. 

We often hear Dougks Jerrold .Warned for not finishing 
his stories. But, after all, he is not worse in this respect 
Uian his readers. 

A* fast man (contrary to our expectation) assures us, 
that he should aoominate the sight of the sea-serpent as 
much as a " leader " of the 06wnw, heing thoroughly dis- 
gust with such lengthy articles. 

Jl dupid wiiter of a memoir on Louts Napoleon says, 
" wtmext find him at Bath." How glad his creditom would 
have been-^.£nd him Uiere ! 

We ohs«m that the ci 

year. This w a ooi^ 

maxim, UxmihUo (mhj 

in Egrpt have heen had ^s 
~ 'ioDol the old philosophioal 

Mr. Doheny is a* freeaot engrngped in committing to 
paper a work on t1l6 liish ReheUon of 1843. As the 
Government have ''jHkh down" miCQ, il is arecwdof 
his folly to do so agani* 

With refiaieDce to the eaelmordkiaity BMasure of a trench 
adopted hy the ymle of an Irish tofwn, the oUier day, to 
re^ the troopareooi to collect the poop*rate, we may remark 
that the Irish haws, in this instance at all events, succeeded 
' " pitting" thMSfilTes against tbo militaiy. 


The DaUy Wm9, in gMog a description of the Lord 
Mavor s han^ual* mentions mwnX distinguished individuids 
as being then " in proprik nmombui. This error, no 
doubt, arose fma the laet or «he writer-s style being so 
heavy, tiiat that indlvidiua wa» obliged to take a '^ in 
order to get it ikng. 


aa i i that their oUurm^fomm it 
and that lb* ^iorid owes nsbohtoit 
\j thatiWfMaaid thiough it 


Mrfl Leuii he our Ttrnttrnkj^^foroe f 
Can Fxftnoe elect a President seOsn^ f 

A'' . 
He, oh the 

*> 1! 

likeness of his uncle ? — Pshaw, 
t system, hxMa his jaw ! 

Give him a statue in iSbe InvaUdei, 
His invalidity is plain indeed. 


CBBarAUr scribblers, who seem to be as dishonest as the 
"progress " dique, and as dull as Mark Lemon, are taking 
advantage of the agitated state of Europe to work up pro- 
phecies tor the million in twopenny pamphlets. We were 
startled, the other day, by seeing — 


annoy need in huee capitals ; and expect shortly to behold 
some impious blockh^a advertizing — 


or to find him announcing propheciee at so much per 
year. The practice is spr^mg : and very soon we shall 
DO having some old sybil sweeping a crossing, a sooth- 
sayer conducting a^ omnibus, and two or three Cal- 
cbiases established in Foppin's Court. If they would 
confine tbemadNwa to rational pi-edictions, such as an- 
aouncing the early Mmeof a Howitt book, or a *' pvogress" 
journal, we wosm aot so nuwh mind; but they make no 
hones about aanananng the most improbable absurdities. 
This must he put a step ta, and we think of sending the 
pcephet JEADg ta the Whittington Slap-bang, if they do not 
give up their present course of conduct. 



LavG vears ot larrow now have past | 

In clouds abave a nobfo raee. 
And shall it be its €ste at last 

To perish in a fool^s eiafaraee ? 
^e world haa seen three monarchs {all, 

A Iburth am ris« to our view— 
A bfllkurd-table gives his ball, 

nis seei^tre is a marker*s oual , 


Aad ia the dislaooe, to our eyes, 

The«ouHii«a in bisantaaroom 
Befcftastonishad Europe rise-- 

The gambler, dandy, and the g^tomn. 
And thausand men who gave their votes 

\Jp to the throne to raise this Mare, 
Lsani ^m their King a taste in ooats. 

And how to choose the best cigars. 

And to the people he must gins 

A ffood war, as a bloody sop : 
And ^ue—tbllt his power may 111 

The eagle of the sausage-shop ! 
The eagle of the sausage-shop. 

That Louis carried o er the flood. 
Will flv — but this time, ere he drop. 

Perchance may feed «n human blood !^ 


Tn followiag owious figures Imps just heen added to 
Mftdame TaMMid^iBxhibition :^ 

A "Progress*' IWtcr who onoe ffsm a fiwy to the Poof. 

A Cabman «diehad a favourite Fnwwtor» 

icn Actor wliaMleved he oould noi p% Sbralet, 

A Lonatio «iio tksught he oould pjaaoimnn Jellachieh's name 

A Qflot nha WMMr nidtiiat hewasiiii|Bod terms with "that 

llttkwrirMtlMV hi the Ballet" ^ 


A millionaire 
Is ridli and rare. 

Tardt Compensation. — It is well known Uiat Milton, 
through intense study, became very short-sighted, and even- 
tually blind. To make up for this, there are yexj few poets 
of his age who, if living, could now boast of havmg been so 
hng-^Ued 0;^ he. 





" I Swear to be Thue and Faithful to thb Refoblio ! " 


THE Puppet-show. 







Damn. — ^To damn, a verb. To condemn a play. For particulars 
appl^ to any high art dramatist^ most of them having had 
considerable experience — as sufferers— of the practice in ques- 

Draw. — To draw, a verb. To attract an audience to a theatre. 
Many of the actors who "draw " at present, would be fiilfifting 
their proper destiny by "drawing" — between the ahaftg of a 

D)iOP. — The curtain which falls between the acts. If jmL look 
into the taverns in the neighbourhood of theatres, you wUl Gre- 
c^uently find that one drop going down, inside the houM^ is a 
signal for a good many drops going down—at the various bars m 
the vicinity. 

Door (Stage). — A shabby portal, generally opening on a shabby 
street, and haunted by seedy gent&nen on the look-out for vacan- 
cies for * * citizens, " ' * senators, " " happy peasants, " ' * moks, * * 
and "armies." Gents are also given to hanging about the 
stage-door, trying to recognise the front line of the oaUet; boys 
are much gratified by catching furtive glimpses of a dark passage 
beyond the porter's lodge ; and gentlemen from the country 
usually take the door-keeper for the sumager. 

Double. — ^To double, a verb. If an aelor plays tw» ftrts in one 
piece, he b said to "double." Tha% Mr. Macrcady would 
"double," were he to^tempt wit h awr-'^rs. Warner for the 

' s. k ue 

landlady, to play both Box and Coi, 

of that name. 

Effect (Stage). — A much aknsed phrase, eigmjMmg * aiisatipn, 
or an incident dramatically or picturesquely struung. The high 
art gentlemen are great enemies to " effects," nmtr hanring uie 
cleverness to construct them; but the more efleoto there ai;e in a 
piece, the more " efieets " will there generaily hi ia tbe treasury 
of the house at whieli it b produced. 

" Ehin*ENT."~^» tuffeeHve, firequently apfpUed tp Mr. Macready 
by Mr. Macready hmitelf, and no one elW. 

Exit. — A thing whidi Mr. Hennr Farren is eamailly requested to 
make from the dramatic promssion. N.B. — Mr. Vandenhoff, 
jun., is at liberty to take the hint alaow 


Flat (A Yhi).-^Skb$taniive. A weed which will beeomprahended 
by the uninitiated when we tell them that what ia generally 
call a " soene " oat of the theatfe, is called a "fiat" withiB it. 
The expression |Kobably originated by a word ekaraotaristic of 
the actors having oome to be applied to tk»«oen«j bilbre which 
they played. 

Fairy. ~A stage fiurr. A youn^ lady, wtti m sfibctiQa for 
short pelticoiUs, mi » wand with a star «« tJw top of it. In 
public she drinksikw <«fe of an acorn, bofr n pri«M* she prefers 

Sorter out of a pal. Tbe stage &i^ is numi |(iMn to trap- 
oors, «ad wean * Mir of gaoxe wings, ahwit stk ioches long, 
which, at the end ufum piece, are either p«Bed-off in-her 4iress- 
ing-reooi, or hMr their mistress to the *^nmumiB9men of 
AiaaraBtliyiie Wiia"-*nobody is sore which. 

Frio^ (StiigeV Muhttantim. The technical mmmSm A nervooa 
timidNf m ktnm tbe s^are of the feot-liefata. A fMd mamr 
actors Iwiye at fir 91^ over llie hAffL uml 4» only peo))le 
fi^ighteaad at tUr «mmmm» mm to te ' ' 
audience nho^tm^mum l» 



FRANCB.~The eoontry wtoe iiiM4nlfc» ti onr ^'rn^fimX'** 
dramas come fh>nL The success of'Aii^ 
fhran the French has only been equalled by that of our dramatiiia 
--in taking pieces. The diflferenoe between the two cases, is the 
difference between conquest and larceny. 

Finale. — In an opera, generally a concerted piece of music, 
whereof the words are frequently something like the following : — 



Thns, with joy and Uiss abounduig, 
In bcsfttitude asUMmding, 
All with rapture sweet Muroonding, 
Thrills each noble heart ! 

While, in woris of Jojrftd^gnflting, 
Every kind of bliss Is meeting. 
Strains, which Echo keeps repeating. 
Never vuom to part! *' 


The tide of emigration still coBtinues to flow on. Last week 
six yoiiii|g gentlemen, who had been studying at the Middlesex 
HospitaC left the neighbourhood of Margaret Street, Garai- 
dish Square, where tfteur fofefath^rs haa not resided before 
them, and where their slender means did not idlow them to 
remain, and sought that credit in some other quarter ckT the 

§lohe which they were unable any longer to meet with 
They took their departure on the 0th instant, at about 
four, A.M. — their rent bemg due on the 1 0th. Having packed 
up their trunks they proceeded to the nearest cab-stand, and 
soon took a last farewell of the spot which an abode of two 
years had rendered so'dear to them. Besides taking the 
farewell just menttoned, they also took everything belonging 
to them» besides peat care not to wake the inmates of the ' 
house Bi opening tae street-door. 

They team Mmid them the regrets of thor various 
tradesmen, i» gwrt of whom they are slightiv indebted, and 
the warmest wiebes of thiir landlord — to find out whither 
they have direeted their oenrte. We learn, from a gentle- 
man who has just returned froai a voyage to Sadlers* Wells, 
that they have settled ia. the wilds 01 FentonviUey but this is 


THE ^QMBERS are Respectfully informed that on and 
aflfer the 1st DeMmber next, a Potato-cam will be estab- 
lished in the Dininf num. 

By Order of the Committee, 

Yapp, Secretary. 

Vert TJummMm. — We have observed a notice in the 
pmr headtd, **-Opinion of Mr. Henn on the writ of error." 
We, IbBPefete, picture to ourselves Mr. Henn deliyiuing his 
opinioii whUst roosting. As he has hatched an opinion that 
a second triiJ may ensue, he has only done what every^ one 
was agreed on previously, that these are very " trymg " 

Cue Royal Patroness. — Her Majesty has very fed- 
ingly forwarded to two brothers, at Cheadle, who are 
labourers, the sum of iCIO, to enable thou to publish a work 
on ^ popular education," written by themselves. This, 
of course, will be nothing more tfian a treatise on the 
" Puppit-Show." 



The following Illustrations wen omitted in the liat of 
Etohings by Her Majesty and Prince Albert : — 

Portrait of the Princess Rojal. 

Portrait of tbe Princess Aojal with her hair in papers. 

Portnit of tbe Prinoess Boyal before having her tn» washed. 

Portnit of the Prinosss Boysl reftisiog to aUow the vanery- 
QMud to wmIi bduBd berears. 

Pflftnii of tlM Pbmbs of Wales being sent hito the earner. 

PovtRsit of the PriMe of Wales esting hnsd and butter. 

PortHHtof tiM Prises of Walis mAi8ii« t».sat his austs. 

PoHniiof thePriaasof Walsa m he appsMi aoMMd with 
4Ki^ mij ftw whiMtai aftwr he had bsea mafe- 

The following were by Her Majesty : — 

Portrait of Prince Albert as he appeared before shaving. 

Bortrait of Prince Albert after bemg shaved, and having his 
mouttache smoothed with cirage. 

Portrait of Prince Albert when safferingt nnn tooth-ache, his 
head bein^ wrapped up in a flannel petticoat. 

Portrait of Prince Albert with a sty in his eye. 

The following were by H.R.H. Prince Albart : — 

Portrait of Her Mijesty with a cold in her head, and a basin of 
gruel in her hand. 

Portrait of Her Mt^estj trying to sneeze. 

Portrait of Her Migesty paying an artist (quite unique). 

Portrait of Her Mtnest^r as she appeared when entertaining the 
representatives of English intellect (much valued). 

T w<s ! : ^vrT^'T-i s H © m 


A MOST numen)U8^adI%^ respectable maetipg't^ place 
last week at the'West-endf, in or3er to express the great 
feeling of indignation excited among ^11 classes^f ,the metro- 

Eolis, at the iinwarrttritaBlb condtud? of those ^rsons who/ 
ave been instrumental to the removdl , of ™ Quadrant^ 
Colonnade. - ^ 

Mr. William Mwz^ (po^tJArfy ktibwtt As filching Bill) I 
having been called to the, chair : ^ - ■ 

Mr. C. CocbttW6'<«Jtti4»te8fe©dit1)» DUSihess^flie day by 
declaring that he M itxit e«ome^ ikw tb' t^l them that he 
was the Friend of th* Feopte-^fl* he T^as intimately con- 
nected with the Poor ttttlft^'a 6kia8!dl«M' Sodicft^ in Leicester! 
Square — that he gave incredible sums yearly for the relief ofl 
suiferinfi: portions of the poppkiioB of ^w hi^'city — ^no ;| 
he would as much seoni tortexnili then ofi i^ this, as he I 
would to hint that the pity|>«r lewatd' ^itnr ^rvibes like his; 
was a seat in Parlu^menli : he wbaU' «alv assure them, by 
the way, that if ever he had the honour oi being their repre- 
sentative, all men should unani mo wfl ly declare they had never; 
seen such a member before. But he came not to speak of 
this — ^his present olijisot was to address them Ga ^n. a«t of! 
such unjustifiable tampering with the rights and comfortst 
of th« -People— af the Sovereign People {h^muk^hieert);, 
that he coold not find words to express his horror nX it. 
This ast of arbitrary tyrannjr might, perhaps^^ hai^.jn-, 
dueed him to prooeed to extremities, had he not ycpceiW; 
that the noble and useful monument— the loss of whi^ they 
all deplored—had not been removed without an uUerior -ob- 
ject. He believed that the Commissioners of Woods and« 
l^onstr had aettd aceoitliiig to orders from hi^er ^uttfUfrU; 
— ^he would not name the ministers^h, no— -he knew the* 
danger of open and advised speaking — ^but he would leave 
his audience to draw their own inferences {loud cries of 
*' We dot^^ we do''). He was dad they did ; year—he saw 
thiough it — the personages whom he did not mentioD, bat 
to whom he alluded, saw widi terror the steps that the 
liberty of the subject was making. They trembled for their 
aristocratic institutions, now tottering on the brink of ruin — 
they wished to tash the people into insurrection, in order that 
ihey 'mifi^t Bave an excuse for enslaving them — for de- 
priving wem of those rights and privileges granted to th^ 
Dj M^pia Charta, and they thoiwht the best way to attain 
their iie&rioas ends was to excite uiem W the demolition of 
their pet monimeat — of their celebrated Quadrant Colomade 
(criet of " Shame, shame ") — ^but th^ were mistaken ; the 
people would not be excited — they would do nothing against 
the law — no, the^ would use constitutional means to make 
the base plans ot the oppressors reooil on their own heads, 
and, therefore, he begged to move that a petition be imme- 
diately drawn up, siji^d, and forwarded, at the opening of 
the Session, to Parliament, praying that they ao encu^, 
that those who have thus wantonly deprived the metropolis 
of its chief ornament, and the poor man of his beloved 
shelter and retreat on a rainy day, shall be obliged, out of 
their own private funds, to provide umbrellas, galoshes, 
mackintoshes, and oilskin hats, to every British subiect who 
may choose to apply for the same.— { The honowrable gentle- 
man, who seemed eompUtely exhausted by his exertions, here 
sat down amidst tremendous cheering.] 

Mr. William Muggins begged to second the motion. He 
wasn^t a-going to enter into any jawbation on the subject, 
after that ere honourable gentleman what had just sat down. 
As regarded the affair he would only say, he looked on him 
as the poor man's only friend, and, therefore, he should 
saj notnin', but only observe as how it was very liard on a 
htunble individual like himvelf {cries of ** No, no," in which 
the former speaker heartily joined) — he was in the ra2or line 
hioiselF — or on his friend the Chairman, Mr. Muzzle, whose 
business lay in the poodle and Scotch terrier, and that 'ere 
d^artment, it was very hard on them to take away the 
Colonnade. What was to become of <^> profession on a 
rainy day when they would not exercise it in the open street — 
where should they retreat to now ? He paused tor a replv. 
{After waiting a considerable time without obtaining one, the 
honourable genttem an continued). Parliament had granted 
an indemnincation to them planters — they had given them a 
good price for their niggers. Well, then, he looked on the 

columns of the Quadruit as bta niggers, and he was blowed 
if he TvWdd have^ an idemnification ror them too (fiear, hear, 
and much cheering). 

After several otteir verj^ able speeches, i gentleman 
(strongly suspected to come from the Messrs. ^icolls, of 
Re^nt Street proposed liiat the wbrd ** Chlatnj^V Paletots," 
be inserted after the word ** Mackintoshes " m the original 
resolution. The amendment having been carried, and a vote of 
thanks being passed ixii^ Chairmata, the meeting' separated. 

A Brave Character. — It appears probable that by the 
writ of error, the judgment; w SmitU. O'Brien^ be re- 
versed. This is a reverse hc^ will, ^le ddubt, meet with 
cheerful resignatibn. . . .7 

'Awful 'CAiAMltt.-^A correspondent infofms us that a j 
serious catastrophe has occurred to a highly sensitive 
friend of ours. On vi eitt n g the agtot^Sing uhi^tration of 
the sea-serpent in Pmwh the ether week, lie in^mediately 
" shuffled off the mortal ooil."* 


We observe that Mr; Dion BotircicauU, on h)s examination 
in the Bankruptcy Court the Other day, described himself as 
being the ** author" of Used Up, Some tune ago that honour 
was claimed bf Mr. Webster. Considering thalt the piece is 
a translation of the French vaudeville Llioinm^^ blasS, the 
whole questioci is as absurd asHhough a dispute were to 
arise whether Stendiold or Hopkins was ^ author of the 
Psalms of David. 



Some person wrotd some reinarks last week in the Daily 
News upon Jullien's Concerts, and amongst other absurdities 
called attention to ** a rtew composition by Balfe, descriptive 
of the descent of Orpheus into thcf infernal regions." The 
reader, who has previousbrbeen annoyed by the ]:^nderosity 
of the writer's style, here beghis to pity him for his ignorance, 
as the alleged "new composition ' has been favourably 
known to the public stuee the production of tKe Maid of 
Honour, of which it forma {^art B«t hem the writer gets 
very communicative upon a suhjseief whiek, if we^^ay judge 
from his other speetnoeai, be knows nothinff whatever, and 
tells us that " the subject had been so handled by Gluck as 
to render it hazardous to nrovokeaqy oompftriso^v^hich (he 
continues) in the present u^stauo^ out f^msrcf to Mr, Balfe, 
we refrain from entering into/* Herei instead of pitying the 
writer for his ignorance, we despise him f^ bis arrogance. 
After stating boldly what is not the fact, he becomes im{>er- 
tinent on the strength of it, -and talks about his showing 
** mercy " to Mr. Balfe. Just the sort c^ mercv which an 
animal with plenty of venom but no sting would oe expected 
to show. It is rather^ ludicrous for a person ip talk about 
comparisons when he is utterly ignorant of the two things 
which he wishes to compare, and the absurdity becomes 
stronger when he speaks of showing ** mercy "to a person 
whom he is only too incapable of injuring, , 

Parental Phenomenon. — As it was Amal himselt 
who taught his daughter, the well-known danseuse, her first 
steps, he mav be said not only to be herfather, W her step- 
father as weU. 

A Snake in the Grass.— The critic of the Morning 
Pott talks of '* the adhesion of Mr. and Mrs. Chmies Kean 
to the Haymarket Theatre." What does he mean by this ? 
He surely would not push cakunny so far as to ^hose this 
unkind manner of implying that thers is anything sticky 
about this talented pair f 

Titus said he had " lost a day," We warn M^. Martin, 
of the celebrated blacking firm, not to claim the joke as his 
own, in case his partner should venture to travel by the 
Eastern Counties' Railway. 






Of all those who live in London, 

There, we think, are very few, 
Who don't know, at least oy hearsay, 

Donna Scrip de Parveniu «j 

Well— 't was at the Bal CoiiumS 

Which was jjiven last year for 
Needlewomen in Distress that 

What we 11 now relate we saw. 

Seated in a private hox, of 

Which the door was just a-jar. 
Was a Spanish cayalier, with 

Tights — ^moustache— and light guitar* 

O^er his brow a broad sombrero 

Drooped ; and also, by-the-bye, 
There was, though not quite in keeping, 

Stuck an eye-glass in his eye. 

Near him, drinking in each word that 

Fell from his enraptured lip, 
Sat a maiden, fair ond lovely. 

Daughter, too, of Donna Scrip* 

Dearest, dearest Fanny," says the 
Cavalier, " I m happier far — " 
•* Hush ! *' exclaiins the damsel, starting ; 
" Goodness gracious ! here's MammA ! 

Down th' corridor she *s cominsr — 
Ah ! I feared 't would end in tliis ! " 
** Then, adieu !" replies her lover : 
** But, before I go, one kiss ! " 

Speaking thus, the maiden in his 

Fond embrace he quickly locks ; 
And his hold has scarce relinquished* 

Ere her Ma' steps in the box. 

Then, with air that 's meant for easy. 
Something he 's about to say, 

When he starts — stops short —coughs— blushes- 
Makes a bow, and slinks away. 

■** So," says Donna Scrip, ** is this the 

Way you list to my behest ? 
Flirting with a scurvy author — 

Really, this is past a jest, jj 

** After all I Ve said against this *" 

Don Scribleros, you out wait 
Till my back 's turned to accord him- 

Ugh! I choke—a tite^tit0. 

. ** Why, he has not got a farthing — 
Not a — what i» that you say ? — 
^ Talent /' Are you not aware, then. 
Gold can buy that any day." 

*'But, mamma," observed the mmden, 

** Poverty is not a crime. 
And he may perhaps be wealthy. 

In who luiows how short a time." 

" Which the mouth of that huge monster, J 

Scandal, shall for ever stop. 
And cause persons to forfl;et the — 

La ! I 'd nearly said t& shop. *^ 

*' Therefore to this Don Scriblaroa^ 

As I 've said so oft before, 
If you dread a mother's anger, 

Kever venture to speak more. ] 

** Or, if he should e'er address you. 
Let him ne 'er ag^ embrace — . 

No rejpljr — 'tis useless — for your 
Guut is written <m your£ftce. 

*^*^Ti$ not true;^ upon my honour, 
I — I — ^but you need not sedtj .^ 

To deny it, for he 's left his 
Right mustachio on your cheek.*' 

Thb Ablest Pen we have — Pen-dennis. 

The Pikk of PoLrrEMEss.— Baron 'Nathan, 'who has 
latelv been studying a life of the Duke of WeDin^on, was 
mucn Burprisea on reading that his Grace " ft a ri es iily 
affronted tne greatest dangers." The Baron says that he 
should not have expected tms from so polite and well-bred a 
gentleman as tibe Duke is known to be. 



^* La ! indeed," replies her mother,* 
'* Quite romantic I declare — 

'His heart and a cottage,' doubtless^ 
This is more than I can bear. 

** If your husband have not money, 
1 m resolved at least that he. 

In its place, at least shall boast of 
A most ancient pedigree 

We were quite right in statins, about a week unoe, that 
HaydSe would be successful. In suite of the exerticHis of 
the Beethoven gatig, who haye'enaeavoured to prove that 
the <^>era, aMiough very pleasing, is frightfully unscientific, 
ft appears likely to enjoy a large share of popularity. We 
believe the principal oojections to the music are, in the first 
place, that it does not include a sufficient number of con- 
oertod pieces ; and, secondly, that it u too livdy— a charge 
which cannot be preferred against the criticisms that have 

._ __ Intimate 
that of muffling drums, or playing the violm pixzieaio^ or 
with the mute. Certainly there are very^ few am in the 
opera which are perfectly original ; but it is absurd to sup- 
pose Uiat out of some eighteen or twenty morceaux, many 
can be found possessing airjr novelty excepting ^t whicn 
may belong to the mo<te of treatment. The^ is no more 
chance of finding an opera full of strikingly original melo- 
dies, than of discovering a dramatic work replete with per- 
fectly new thoughts. However, whereas the Macfiureos and 
other geniuses, whom the 7%me8* critic delighteth to honour, 
reproduce old ideas in a clumsy and disagreeable form, 
Auber, when he occasionally resorts to the same practioe, 
always displays a certain amount of ingenuity and bril- 
liancy which must be pleasing to every one but the members 
of the horrid crew who praise nothing but the mechanism of 
composition, and have no appreciation of the mdody to 
which the mechanism is apphed, and to which it must al- 
ways be subservient We must really open the fijea of the 
puolic to the stupid frauds which the musical critics endea- 
vour to practice upon them. These persons must not be 
allowed to tdl the public that melody is inferior to harmony, 
or they must be requested to apply tlie same thecN^ to ppetiir : 
when we shall have them statmg that a poetical idea is 
" unclassicd," but that the man who displays the ji^reatest 
pedantry in the mere act of versification, is a gemus.^ In 
the meantime, the Beethoven Smiths and Mozart Jenkinses 
may rest assured that when Orpheus regained Euiydice, it 
was b;^ means of melody not harmony : had he attempted 
any hiffh art composition, the wrath of Pluto (who was 
evident^ a man of taste) would have been something 



Miss LoBMnbe made a most sacoessfiil tUbul, and, in 
fact, has proved herself to he quite invaluable on the 

r ratio stage. Her merits, as a vocalist, are well known to 
public, and tiiese are considerably enhanced by her intelli- 
g^t acting. Reeves was m good as usual ; Whitworth not so 
good as usual ; Miss Mesaeiit agreeable ; and Messrs. Her- 
Berte and Corn diaagpeeable. The principal air, which is 
sung by Reeves in a state of sonnambulism (what a trea- 
sure, by-the-bye, htm Mr. Scribe found in sonnambulism ! ) 
is taken from a well-known waltz ; Miss Lucombe's air, 
with the choral acconmniment, from a chorus in the Lucia; 
and the polacca sung by Reeves in the second act, and pre- 
viously intix>duced in the first act, from a duet in the Sirhie. 
Mademoiselle Nissen, who made her dSbut as Norma last 
week, was successful, but has no claim to the extraordinary 
powers attributed to her by the playbills. She sang and 
acted with mat pathos, and sometimes with tragic expres- 
sion. Mr. Harrison, of the legs, was the PoUio, He sang 
with better taste than usual, but acted in his old style— that 
is to say, he alternately closed his hands as if in prayer, 
and extended them as if about to yawn. Borrani was a bad 

At the Princess's Norma has also been produced, for 
the dehtU of Mdlle. de Roissi — a lady who, according to Mr. 
Maddox*8 plav-bills, came with an European reputation 
(which she naa evidently concealed, as no one had ever heard 
of her), and whohad taken theprincipal characters at theGrand 
Opera in Paris, a fact which nad also been previouslv kept the 
profoundest secret. Mdlle. de Roissi, however, will enjoy an 
Oxford Street reputation, and one of some magnitude. She 
sings correctly, but without any inspiration ; and acts justly, 
though without nrach feeling. She turns her voice to every 
possible advantage, but it is naturally of a harsh nature ; 
and her performance generally, though exceedingly creditable, 
was ridiculous when compared to that of Grisi, or even of 
Jenny Lind. Altogether, we look upon the production of 
Norma as a step in the wrong direction. It is about as rea- 
sonable for Mr. Maddox to attempt grand opera with a com- 
fany suited only for comic opera, as it would be for the 
iveeum management to plav tragedy with their present corps 
of liriit comedy actors. Tne fact is, acting is overlooked m 
English operatic companies, not only when on the stajge, but 
even in tne arrangements for producing operas. U must 
not be imagined that because a man can sing, therefore he 
ean play in any opera, comic or serious, any more than that 
because he can speak and knows the ordinary stage business, 
therefore he can act in farce, tragedy, or anything else. The 
First PeedodiUo was still living when we went to press, 
though in a very weak state, and sinking rapidly in popular 

JullicB has been most successful at Drurt Lane. With 
his present attractions, the maestro manages to collect one 
Brofy ,I<aBe audience, one Lyceum ditto, and half one 
Addphi ditto ; and we much regret that the superfluous 
audience and-a-half cannot be turned to some advantage, 
both for their own sake and that of the popular conductor. 
There is no knowing what evil may result from the congre- 
gation of large bodies in Brydges Street and Vinegar Yard : 
mdeed, unless Herr Kcenig be persuaded to come out on the 
roof of the theatre, and appease the angry multitude with a 
solo on the eomet, we, at least, will not answer for the con- 
sequences. As we were unable to hear the music, we endea- 
voured %o console ourselves with a programme of the enter- 
tainment, which, to a person of imagination, is, after all, 
nearly as good as the tning itself. Altogether, we thought 
the music eoieeedingly food. Ka^nig's new solo was beau- 
tifully given ; and JulBen's waltz, the Pearl of England, 
excited the ^jfitAtest applause. There was a dash of Bee- 
thoven thrown in as a sort of bone to keep those hungry 
dogs, the heavT critics, quiet; but the enthusiasm conse- 
quent thereon was of the mildest nature, and evidently made 
to order. The gretit and best feature of the evening was the 
the selection from the Huguenots: this opera also furnished 
a quadriUe and a polka, and neither of which were so suc- 
oessful as the aforesaid action. 

Free and Easy is the title of the last novelty produced 
at the LrcEXTM. 

Eos nihilo nihU^hui THE Showmah will not finish the 
oA^ited quotation, as, in the first place, ite repetition might 

perhaps reduce his readers to extremities, by making t?iem 
nigh ill, and secondly, because the maxim is m this instance 
fake ; since Mr. C. Mathews has created a most amusing 
character, and The Showman himself has derived matter 
for this eritiqtie from Free and Easy, thus proving that mnch 
good may emanate, strange thouf^h it appear, from naught. 
Formerly, when wives complained of their small amount 
of pin-money, or young gentlemen at the universities, or in 
the army, grumbled at the scantiness of their allowance, 
husbands, fathers, guardians, and such like useful but 
awfully matter-of-fact members of societjr, were accustomed 
to refer, in what thejr supposed to be a jocular manner, to 
a celebrated but rather apocrvphal feat of the waiters at 
Vauxhall in its palmy days : the said feat consisting in their 
power of covering an acre of the royal (or — for au«^ht The 
Showman knows to the contrary— any other) property with 
the slices of a sinsrlo ham ; a striking example of what may 
be done bv the aid of long practice and a carving knife, and 
calculated in the hio^hest oegree to impress on the mind of 
the murmurers the disagreeable but eminently uneful moral, 
that a little can sometimes be made to go a great way. Pos- 
terity, however, will cut this cutting example for one of a 
more modern date, and for the future the different clashes of 
matter-of-fact individuals before referred to will clench their 
refusal for more money bv some such remark as — ** Too 
little, my dear!*' (or, " You extravagant young dog," as 
the case may be) ** it 's plenty, if you only knew how to 
make a good use of it : look what a deal the author of Free 
and Easy made out of the leanty materials of which he built 
his farce ! " 

Free and Easy is, in fact, a sort of literary whipt-cream 
— of dramatic soap-bubble — a kind of theatrical plaster- 
of-Paris stetue, large and solid enough, it is true, to the 
sight, but of which the material, if prrased together, would 
hardly be sufficient to form the nose, or compose the great toe. 
Sir John Freeman (Mr. C. Mathews) is in love with Eu- 
genia (Miss Howard), ^e sister of Afr. Courtly (Mr. Granby). 
The latter, who possesses a younff wife (Miss H. Gilbert), a 
ffreat veneration for " Thomson s Seasons," and an inor- 
dinate love of soUtude, has been living apart from the busy 
world for three years, when he is shocked from his propriety 
by the unexpected visit of Sir John, whom he has never seen 
more than once, but who, in spite of this, and on the force 
of one of those general invitations to come at any time, 
which mean nothmg, calls Mr, Courtly his best friend, and 
tells him he means to stop a month. Sir John's reason for 
this is that Eugenia, endowed with an amount of sororal 
affection which is quite touching, very rare, and onlv to be 
accounted for by the fact that it was necessary for tne con- 
struction of the piece, has declared that $he will never wed 
him unless he first produce a favourable impression on her 
brother, and obtoin nis consent. 

The method Sir John adopte to effect this is, by turning 
(in tho most natural manner — for a farc^) the house upsi(w 
down, flirting with the lady's-maid, inducing his host to 
lock himself up in despair — and his library — and finally 
making him iealous, under the idea that he ("Sir John) is 
paying his addresses to ifcfr*. Courtly. Mr. Courtly at length 
grows desperate, writes a challenge, and is about to tight, 
when the whole matter is of course cleared up, and every one 
made superlatively happy. 

Such is the mmsj material of which Free and Easy is 
composed ; but such is the force of go^ acting that the 

Siece was successful. Mr. Granby, in particular, and Miss 
[arshall, who played the lady Vmaid, were excellent ; but 
the greatest amount of praise is duo to Mr. C. Mathews, 
who is one of those " few, those happy few," that do not 
need to play the gentleman on the stage. As Sir John 
Freeman, Mr. C. Al^thews was elegant without fatuity, easy 
without vulgarity, and amusing without effort. It is most 
probable that Free and Easy will have a run ; but let not 
the author suppose this is owing to the intrinsic merit 
of the production itself, which possesses neither wit, plot, or 
novel IT. Let him, on the^ contrary, be convinced that ite 
success is owing to the finished acting of all engaged in it, 
and particularly of Mr. C. Mathews, in whose hands a most 
trifling pi-xrt attained an importence which it woidd never 
othem'ise have enjo3red, in the same manner that a piece of 
broken glass glitters and sparkles like a diamond, ifit hap- 
pen to lie in the rays of the sun. 






The Times is gradually coming round to thorough-going 
despotic jprinciples. Its foreign leaders, like the Ami du 
Peuple ot Marat, " smell of blood in ever3r line, as Lamar- 
tine says. They are now congi-atulatinff Europe that 
Vienna is in ashes, and once more under the domination of its 
hereditary idiot; and trying to stir up poor, romantic, 
drunken old Frederick of Prussia to fight acainst hbertr. 
The advice is very profitable, since its natural result will be 
an unhappy effort of those monarchs followed by a bloody 
defeat, and terminating in a popular triumph. As the old 
supporters of the French Monarchy used to cry, " Go it, my 
Pepin," to the king of that name, so the Ttme$ cries, " Go U, 
my idiot," to the Emperor of Austria. Let us hope that his 
crooked policy will be put right by a atnut-waistcoat. 

Smither's Last (as we hope). 

0. Why is Bendigo like the Goddess of Flowers ? 
A. Because he is a regular Flora (floorer !) 

We have some notion of establishing a Tract Society ot ihe 
above-mentioned character, for the purpose of counteractmg 
the absurd effect of some Tract Societies at present existing, 
whose members deluge the lower orders with a great ditch ot 
trash. One of their publications recently came to us through 
the kind attention ot our buttermonger, who wrapped up the 
homely matutinal pat in it. It consisted of " Questions 
and Answers " for boys (certainly of the most puenle cha- 
racter), the " Questions " being in canting prose, the 
'' Answers " in stupid doggi-el verse. Our plan may be 
iudged of from the following mutation, which fonns one of 
those to be issued, when the Society is fairly estabhshed— 
with an office furnished on credit, and a secretary m a 
white choker, in the regular orthodox manner. 

Q, What do good men do? 

A, The good man talces a pint of wine, 

• Like other jolly bricks that we know ; 
You Ml see him at the Albion dine. 
And spend the night in the Casino, 

Q. What do had men do f 

A. The bad man walks out with bis wife, 
V Returns and studies Smith all day ; 

Amoi^ the slow he spends his life, 
Ajdd goes to see a five-act play. 

Thomas Cooper, the cobbler, who was put in gaol for sedi- 
tion, and on the strength of that set up as a poet and goodness 
knows what, is now, on the strength of some Encyclopsedia 
readine, lecturing to ignorant audiences on every topic under 
the sun. We mean to keep our eye on this genUeman; and, 
meanwhile, suggest a probable programme of his next week s 
lectures :^ 

Monday. —^hQ Phoenician Language, 

Tuesday.— The Origin of Evil. 

Wednesday.— lihe Habits of Bees. 

Thursday,— The Punic Wars. 

Friday. — ^Hebrew MSS. • ^ 

Saturday. — Monastic Illumination. 

And for Sunday, considering the tendency of his principles, 
we should think it not improbable that he would lecture oo 
tlie Evils of Christianity. 




Men in phish be up and starring 

All this day ; 
if ake a line — ^keep back the rabbft*^ 

Clear the way ! 
Men in armour aid and cheer Hbssoi 

As ye may ! 
There *s a coach without a wheel. 
There 's a man about to steid. 
There 's a purse about to go. 
There 's a most tremendous blow. 
There 's a cab locked fast together 

W\\h a shay. 
Men VBL pkish and men in armour. 

Clear the way! 

When that wi«ich*s legs are broken, 

Who shidl say 
What hell think of all the glory 

On this day ? • ^ 
What for broken limbs and bruises 

Can repay ? 
Aid their progress hand and heart- 
Aid it, spite of. that large cart ; 
Aid it. spite of every row ; 
Aid it, spite of brawl and blow ; 
And your labours must not slacken 

Into play. 
Men in plush and men in armour, 

Clear the way ! 

Lo ! the cortige comes in honour ) 

Of this day ; 
And the horsemen covered o'er with \ 

Mud and clay. 
Lo ! the Lord Mayor's coach is comings 

Clear the way ! 
Soon shall these, and many more. 
Enter at the Guildhall door; 
And with awftd twist rfmll fall 
On the dishes, great and small — 
They 'U rush to them, like a vulture 

To his prey. 
Men in plush and men in armour, ' ^ ) 

Clear the way ! 


A PERSOX, recently in the habit of sending veir stupid joke** 
to our office, which of course were not inserted, has had thf 
audacity to send us in a bill ! He expresses his desire to 
have the money soon, but we have no intention of forwardink' 
the impudent fdlow anything. We enclose a copy of his^ 

account: — 

£ s. d. 

One Pun 

A Sneer at Mark Lemon (an easy job) 
Beading the Pottleton Legacy . 

Cuttinsf it up 

Attending the Slap-bang, to observe the same 
Speaking to a member • . . 






i 10 






A Man made of (base) Monby— Zotii* NapoUcn. 

Random will find a letter at S34 Strand. 

AU Communications to the Editor or the PuhUsher should be 
addressed— FWFBT SHOW OFFICE, 334 Strand. 

mU CNmlm YwKMis «l Xhe Omc« of Vuetellj Brolhew mad Co. Pttwb«t««ifc •»»% 
Ftool ttovH. in tha p»rMh •( St. Bry«, la the City •( LoBdon. 



Chaftxe III.— The Fibst Night op a New Farce. 

■"■THENIiuet Tom- 
kins he COD tin ue<] 
u follows :— 

" Before ee- 
lectinE ' 1^0 you 
don't aa tbe 
title of my force, 
I bad b^towed 
much thought 
upon tbe sub- 
ject. The farce 
was uot to be of 
ephemeral iiit£r- 
. est ; it was ulti- 
mateij' to be- 
come classical, 
and to tnke its 
; rank bj the side 
of the master- 
piecea of our 
dramalio literature. True, it was to be onlj; in one act; 
but what an act ! Into that act I throw the inspiration of 
the poet in the ideas, tiw tact of the poliUcian in the con- 
atracti<Hi of the plot, and the dignified sereritv of the 
policeman in the arrangement of the whole. The umties 
were atrictlT adhered to, and the prevtuling idea was de- 
veloped in the moat artistic manner, 

^' The farce finished, I huiried with it to Saveall, the 
matiagar. After being oaiefiillf inspected bj nnmtt-ous 
emissaries, I was at kuglli adimitted to that ffentkman'a 
sanctuia : for lUs unusMl honour, I was indebted to the 
fact of coming armed with a letter of introduction from a 
man to whom he owed a large sum of monej, and to mj 
intimacj with a youth who hiui satiriied the mana^r most 
sererely, and was lepuled one of the most promismg libel- 
lers of the day. This hopeful young man, woo was destined 
snbeequendr to play an mtportant part in mj career, had 
been origiiualy a student at one of the metropobtan hospilals. 
He was seat to the profession by bis jiarenta on account of 
the genius which he displayed in cuttmg the carotid artery 
of a iaroarite and Taluable spaniel, and afterwards in dis- 
secting the animal ; and left it from a disgnst which was 
creatM in him br a magnificent ofler of twenty pounds a- 
year m a medical assistant — a function in whi^, altbouffh 
be would have had to sweep ont the shop and take down the 
shutters, he would at all events have been allowed to do 
whatevo- he pleased after eleven at nieht, or before eight 
in thB morning. Of course after thisoeciuon there was 
nothing open to him but literature. He adopted it with 
some Jitt^ success, and at die time of which 1 speak was 
what is called a 'rising man.' To use a descnption of 
his own, his name was Junius Libel, his stock m trade 
sarcasm, and his liquor gin. 

" But let us return to the manager. Snveall then b^an 
by informing me that there was no probability of bringing 
out my farce ; that he bad a room-fHill of farces ; that he 
had, at that moment, two plays br Bulwer, and a comedy 
by Sheridan Knowles, to 6a.j nothing of comic dramas by 
some of the greatest celebrities of the day, which he was 
unable to produce. In spite, however, of these disad- 
vantagea he consented, with what appeared to me a disgust- 
ing rabotation of kindness, to read my faroe, and to^re 
me an opinion, on some future day, of that compoutiou 
which I Bad written with the princii»l object of sarmg him 

" On tbe day fixed for my teoeiving the manager's verdict 
wk mr onhappy piece, I was at the stage-door about half-an- 
hour befora toe tune ; but having an averaion from appearing 
presaing on the subject, I waitea outside (a long haU-hour!) 
nntil tlu exact minute for the appointment. After waiting 
about three-quartav of an hour in the veetibule, a brougham 
Jrove up to the door, aline of supennmieraries, who had been 
previonaly loitering about, formed on each side of the 
«ntnBce, and out jumped Saveall, but not nntil he had 
thrown a hasty glance up and down the' street. I had at 

first im^ned the ^ard to b« one of honour, but I soon 
decided that it must be one of safety. 

" Saveall, haviii;; entered the theatre without annoyance 
either from the obsequious dun or the sturdy biulifi, was 
instantly attacked by ui^'self. 

" ' I have read yoiu' farce, Mr. Tomkins,' ujd he, 'but 
it will scarcely suit mv company.' 

" ' Yet,' returned I — 

'"Oh 1 I don't deny that there is some talent in it,' 
continued the manager, ' but you have not measured the 
actors for th«r parts.' 

" After a remark from me (which he treated with the 

Erofoundest contempt) about my not being a literary tailcM*, 
e proceeded ; — 
" ' The fact b. Uiss Myrtle should have had some- 
thing tii^uant, a trifle of slang, in her part ; and when you 
remember the admirable effect produced by Bolster in hia 
celebrated exclamation ' Noa Tummus,' which was repeated 
twenty-nine times, and each time with increased effect, in a 
recent popular drama, Ivannot but wonder that you have 
n^lectad that actor's peculiar talents in so remarkable a 

" ' Art and propriety alike forbad me u^ng sach means,' 
I suggested. 

" ' The only art, sir, which I recognise, is the art of 
filling tbe theatre ; and as for propriety, if the audience 
find no fault, has any one else a right to complun 1 No I 
a sarcasm from the mouth of Bllgut might tell with the 
critics, as tbe people who cotne in with newspaper orders 
call themselves ; but it would be thrown away on the majoritv 
of the audience, and would not produce halt the effect wbicn 
1 have seen caused by the appearance of tbe low comedian 
in a broken gibus, or in a coat for which bo bad been 
manauied half-a-dozen times, so that it might bo sure not to 
fit him in any one part of the body.' 

" 'But,' I ventured, 'should not tbe object of the rnana* 
ger be to abolish these abuses, rather than to continue 

" ' Notwitbout he wishes to abolisbhis profits, and continue 
his losses. Now, let me give yaa a word of advice : You 
have chosen a good title — a striking, a taking title. Why 
hav'n't you used it as a catch-word ? You have a man 
who says "No, fou don't "to every one whospeaks to him. 
Some one asks himfor five shillings ;"No, you don't," is the 
reply. " How I love him I" exdaims a joung lady to an 
old gentleman: "No, you don't," is agam the observation : 

and when, at the end of the piece, some one comes forward 
to give the " tag," and says in a coufiding manner to the 
nudvence, " Now, I kuow you like this farce, don't vouJ" 
out comes the low comedian with tbe eteriuil " No^ you 
don't," and the curtain falls amidst tbe applause of the 
audience. The catch-word may be didl or unmeaning, but 




' • 

it becomes lively after the tenth repetitioD, and poBitively 
fiinny after the twenty-seventh.* 

***1 ehall be too happy to cnabody nny of your sug- 
gestions/ said I with despair, as my virions oi high art 
m one act disappeared. 

** * Now, then, you are getting reasonable. Give up your 
ideas about the unities (the unity of place is the only one I care 
about as the scenery then comes less expensive), and devote 
yourself to the study of theatrical eflfects. 
• ** * And my farce ?* 

** * Leave it with me ; I will put it into the hands of a man 
of ex|>erience, and I will bring it out for you.' 

** * And the terms ?* said.l, thinking of th«i^fty poimds I 
waft to receive. 

** * VMl^ I'll pr(Wiisei you this mudi.'retunwd. Saveall, 
'tbat if, yo« will take aalf>ardozen boxes* it shall cost 

you iwrttu^.ftirther.* 

^'Awl 8ft , saying,. hft'wWicd me good morning, and left 
m»mtaingtwd and discos^wied." ^ 


Deep in these vaults so cold, 

That darken e'en our wit, 
The GaUery behold 

Descended to the Pit, 

A'WFCL Commercial Qrisis; — The ViemieBfr cowplain 
that all trade is at a stand-still. This does not astoniBn ua, 
seeing that they have lost their capital in consequence of its 
having been for some time very dangerously invested. 


AifAiiOAiiATiow beiDff the order of the day*-4he great lead- 
ing lines of railway being about to enad the "three single 
cen^lemen rolled into one," we don't see why the principle 
^ukl not be carried out« and why a more general aoialeama- 
tion of goods should not be insisted upon. We would pro- 
pose, withr this view, that party- walls should be everywhere 
thrown down — that internal communications should be 
opened betwetti every house in every street — that evervbody 
snovdd have a key to everybody else's cash-box — ana that, 
in fact, everybody should stand in somebody else's shoes. 
TbiKB the whole of London would form one great and hamio- 
nous faiaily : and, for our own parts, we are not so proud, 
or have no anti* Jewish prejudices to such an extent as would 
binder us from frateFniiing with Rothschild, and using his 
purse exactly as ovar own. The hint we have just given is 
one which we trust will not be without its effect in monetary 


We observe that the small-beer rebel, having failed in his 
attempts against the Queen's English — personally speak- 


l8t. One may as well go somewhere these dull evenings. I 
have Been Hayd^ef Lumley's is shut, and the governor does n't 
approve of the Casino. 

2nd. I am pretty sore to meet Ada there. 

drd. There will be several of the aristocracy in the room. 

4th. I want to keep m^rs^lf up to the mark in the Polka, before 
the winter parties of the middWclastes begin. 

5th. One is sure not to meet aajxif the "progress " diqne there. 

6th. At all events, there^^iffl hfr>lighty and l^tty women, and 
music and refreshments. 

7th. I may meet some geodifiiDow to finish thttwrening with. 

8th. My tailor has sent n^atnew waiikoeaik'^ honest feUoi^ 
that l\ and I may as well try tha efiifect'of it 

9ih {jitMd Imst). It does simt gy>d to tkiuiinpiiwkiat4fae Poles ! 


taken to stringing together rhvmes in their stead. From the 
samples we have seen of the Honourable Gentleman's poetry, 
we snould think that the following conveys a just idea of Hs 
general style: 


" Here, because I was so feeble, 
^Vhen 1 tried to be a rebel 
On the common brown of Boulsf h-^ 
(Why, on that day, wam't I cooler?) — 
Here, I say, I lie and langaish, 
And with paper, pen, and standish, 
^Vrite these lines, to say that when 
I saw these horrid poUismen 
A-eoming up to seise and mb each, 
I hid myselt among the ci£ba^ ! 
And 80^ no more ^m the ohamed lion 
(That '8 me), WiLUAM Smith O'Briek !" 


There is much chuekliag, and not a little jorM^aetiing, 
amoag the Tories in EnropOy at preemt, on the ^ rt rc uglL of 
Vienna^s being in takm ; l^e^Axisman idSot's bdiBj^' terapo- 
raril^r oocked-up asain ; tba Pmaaiaii wavvrer^s ittmn^ made 
u|» his mind for ckspotism ; and moeh muiddraf r8«fieals« 
generally, in cold blood beiw daily perpeMled: Att'dns is 
very €110: this short-sightea savageneee is^'Mvy tfitimphant. 
We wish the cold-he«rted boinga all Ib^-satisfiMimi liiey 
oaa derive from sinffing ih» blaod o# peer 'Bi^H^-aBd no 
blood-hoottdfl are keoBer*— bu4 we bavenot^ aeeir the «id 
yet-HMT faaire thegr ieti it. There is a taB»<)omfBg i^en 
they willnpeBt in sackebth and aahee< Tbe p i ^g fe sa of 
reTokitioDa is imeirttabie. Bverybodjjr knows thai -tfa^ must 
triun^h in the long rmr.. And wneii they" do^ what be- 
c<»M6 iji tbs oppres o o i's tfaoee wb» have blocfceilkiup the 
chariotwheds ot {reedom with tb^caioases of rietrns ? 

Let US look a litde at the proapoots of tbo' G^nnaii 
dero^fca. Fhwt; we hare the aged memto- of the Heuse 
of Hapehurg, wfaaea narrow and reireatii^ forabead is sur- 
mounted by- the A«ntriaik crown. In admieii ta its serofola 
and its stupidity, he has the cmeHyof hie- fanily in all its 
ra&k luzvriaDoei Bat what has he td reN^ on against a 
peo|^ now £itiiiy iaibcnd with the doolrhMS'Of adrancement? 
He has an amy ; hut how long will a body cooaposed 'horn 
the people remain isolated from their opinoBs ? T)nR«an*t 
ouash thoiigbt, or suppress human infiiienoefi; and when 
tnese hireling murdsrers of then* brothm*s haive gratified the 
brutal passions of thenr nature and thar prorassion, by a 
due enjoyment of whai they havo gained by tfa^ idiiiman 
triumpo, tho feelings of manhood will begin to stir- onoe 
more m their souls, aad they wilt aspire to be citiMns and 
not machines. They will begin to think it wwdli while to 
aspire to doing somethiag on their own account. Then, 
thank of tho reaotion ! It will be well to think of it— in 

As ibr the Prussian, hts chances are worsen His -people 
are more revolutionary. He can't trust his own naind for 
twenty ^four hours to begin with, nor can ha trust his army 
with tne usual security of monarchs. This eocentrie pedcmt 
~a vagna *' dreaawr of dreams " — divided between tfaBories 
and btmndy^-^U ranity in sentiment, and va^^neness-inspo- 
cula4io»-*-is not tha man ' of action for a crisis. Ho' wonld 
be a good kins, were his empire a seoond^rala unif«raity; 
but if he allows mmself to be coaxed or bullied iniia desnotiam 
uad shnffling^ he wi^o^yskarothefate--^withoQi'sbarinff 
the pity^— thai cama upon Louis Philippe's despotiBB and 
shtstimgi ensoraeedy too> ^ they were, m the phaiaihl»garb 
of reopootafciiity^ 

These Tory bigota^of reaction have not th^ j^rouod^ of 
triumi^ that tfaeyimaginOk Demooraeyis mevn^ ;on*ltke 
a Fate« A.few-uMNwgraiW'^-a fow nooro usnrdei's- itiBMUt 
triamph. The rabid ydls of the Tory prase am nodnng 
more nor less than wlutt Swift veiy rigorously denemtnaAea 
*' the^last howls of a^ dog thai has been disseeted ->^-^ " 



Some person wiitbg aboot Dot^laa Jerrold, says, "" His 
sarcasm b terriblei." So it is ; but not half so terrible a^ 
his fun. 

We see a work advertised under the title of " Rules for 
ascertaining the Sense contained in Greek Manuscripts^." 
Whj does mo kind author j^o all the way to Greece ? Does 
not chanty begin at home : 

Some foolish person recently asserted that George Thomp- 
aon's intellect ** was of no ordinary character." We must 
4!ertainly state that it b not an ordinary affair — for we 
scarcely ever see anything of it. 

We perceive that the management of St. PauFs Cathe- 
dral have raised their scale of prices to sixpence instead of 
twopence per head. We hopeHtfbe spirited proprietors will 
find that this elevation in their sot^df mSH cause an increase 
in their "balance." 

The Dean and Chapter of St. Paul's are always ready 
to pray for — we mean prei^ upon — the public. 

^ Mr. Bunn appears to depend chiefly for success on his 
principal performers: so that if he succeeds, he may be 
justly callecLupon to " thank kia H^s " for it. 

We besr that an essay- is bung writiea to prove that tlie 

inhabitants 4>f the Emrlish metropoiia must oe ^e politcat 

I persons in the world. The principal argument rests ufNiD 

the violent antipathy which Lord Cardigan latdy expreased 

towards ** London manners." 

M. Viwor, the admirable horn-player, has been perform- 
ing with the greatest success at Drury Lane. We are glad 
that the admirable JuUien is paying so much attention to 
wind instruments, as it shows that he b going to *' take the 
(John) Bull by the bonis." 

The Mancbeeler peopkMffe rerj proud of their machinery, 
and especially of their spinnmg-jenaies. Experience, how- 
ever, has pnyred, that of all the Jeaiues ever in that town, 
the most fcefitaUe oae has been Jenny Lind. 


Our readera may have |)€rcei ved that Lord Cardigan, who for 
some years past has been less brutid in hi.n conduct to the officers 
ot his roghiient— or has had less of his brutality made public 
than heretofore — has been *' at it again." It *s the nature 
of the nobleman, and can no more be cured than hydro* 

The last person he has insulted is Captain Noel, M.P. 
We are not going to waste our time and space in proving 
Cardigan to be what every one knows he is. 

But we want to call attention to an expression of his— 
** None of your London manners here " — which was ad- 
dressed to Caf)tain Noel, on that officer's venturing to assert 
that he was with his troop, in spite of his colonel's assertion 
to the contrary. 

We understand that in consequence of Cardigan's violent 
objection to London manners, and to anything civilised, 
eitner in conversation or conduct, he intends to enforce the 
following code of laws at the mess, which will Ikj rendered 
additionally repulsive by having his signature affixed to 
them : — 

** 1. My aversion to black bottler is well known, and may be 
said to be a matter of history. Henceforth, not only the use of 
Champ«^e, Moselle, and other wines usurtlly contained in the 
aforesaid black bottles, is forbidden, but also the consumption of 
wine of any description. I will not have the mess-table turned into 
a coff«e-room, and will have none of your London manners here ! 

"2. The use of napkins is prohibited. These things may be 
all very well among your gentlemanly friends in London, but they 
won't do when you *re with your regiment and Lord Ciu*<ligan. 

"3. The man who begs the pardon of a person whom he has 
nnintentionally offended is a blackguard, aud I will have no such 
London manners here. 

**A. The man who shall dare to imitate Tiondon manners, so 
far as4o4lffeE aayact of oivility to anoihcT, will be put under arrest. 

**:6, If myiDMn shall presume 4o oall a ^poon a spoon, after I 
faave.aMDrsdihim, intny usual pUiiit^^«»k«m manner, that it is a fork, 
■he shall be made 40 apolo^iae to'mein the mostiahject manner for 
his impertinence : atherwiso he will he tried by a cunrt-martial for 
bnaoh ofdiaoipliae. 

"' (Sigiwd) Cabdioan." 


'WE^ M C WOif e' tiiat ^ ;^aignea t is being :«dvertised under the 
iimif Ihe Opera Eav^ope. There ha ve^beeu many changes 
inHnMsata ti^esviiD4t€»aof the mackintosh to the establish- 
BHSt of fmfeiois, w^iether registered or wiregistered, alpaca, 
Hnna, Syriau, «r olberme ; but we omfess we were never 
prepaved for the anwnuicemMit of an envelope as an eli* 
Alible imMib of aUve hr kainMs of the Onera. This 
•mnUpe is for tiie present sealed in myetery, tliough at the 
tmsme time it certatmy bears the stamp of absurdity. 

As we beHare most of oar read^ are, like ourselves, 
4|aite ignorant of the appearance, ^ranatko, and peculiar 
uaes of the " Opeva Envelope," we bcg'to put the following 

A monmg^cDatflmporary taiks about tho ** political 
complexion '* of the mass of the French people. It strikes 
us that they^imrymneh reeembl^an old ao wager : they are 
exceedingly foiial^ia roii^^. 

The DAirvB^Q^DBaTH— The balls ^ven^byrthe Prince 
Windiscl^ratz to the inhabitants of Vienna. 

NoTHiKO New. — The papers mention, as somethmg 
fworthy of note, that when iler Majestv iind Prince Albert 
(were in Scotland they visited the distillery of Messrs. Begg 
And Qq. lAsrforoarsehres, bearing in mind ^ frequent 
loccasiaaa^ which. Her Majesty and Consort have recourse 
:to herMaithful Commons for grants for new palaces, dog- 
tkennds, &c., it does not at all surprise us that these Royal 
personages should have gone to B^g, 

to Its Hivestor : — 

1 . fi«w much are the emehpet per hvndretl ; ami is a smaller 
lysai'Mj UuB a qoarter of a hundred to boseid ? 

::2. Is the envelope £^tened with «cior<ifafets,'iand in either 
oase^an it^uscd a seeond time ? 

.*lliajarE 'EsAT^-^Last week, a yinii{^nHKi,'^MlM^hadibeeii 
tcsNusoig vaifaer fnely in a public4NHifie4iti£¥U||lUsbndl|8» 
juado;a bet that hewoulddnnki&^wiiiQ-glasfl^fidlof thc^^r- 
pentiae^watar. fits ^rieodsyuaiiihoit^ iSmamAwt» inebnerted, 
endeavoured to dissuade him fiptm htsra^vbnKsobition, but to 
no effect. The water was procured and drunk ; but scarcely 
had the foolish fellow swallowed it, than he became a prey 
to the most violent convulsions. Medical aid was imme- 
diately called in, and the stomach-pump applied. The 
patient now lies in St. George's Hospital, but very little hope 
n entertained of his recovery. 

An Eybroreen. — A country correspondent wishes to 
be informed whether a man can with propriety be termed a 
horticulturist, because he has ffot several chotce si>ecimens 
of different old Shrubs in his cellar ? 














Go. — To go, a verb. In theatrical parlance, if a piece 9ucc<»e<l8, it 
is said to "go." Probably the phrase had its origin in the 
number of "goes" which successful authors are expected to 

Ghost (Stage). — A gentleman with a dash of whiting on his cheeks, 
who walks across the stage behind a piece of gauze in the glare 
of a blue light. "Does the Ghost walk?" is green-room slang 
for "Is there any money to be had on Saturdays." In the 
present hard-up state of ine legitimate, it is generally fbuiid that 
if the Ghost walks irequently in Hamlet during the week, it very 
seldom walks in the treasury on pay-day. 

Green-Room. — The parlour of the coulisse. It is generally mag- 
nificently furnished with a piece of cheap iMmpettiiig, a couple of 
cane-bottomed benches, and a capacious carafib of pare water, 
with a single tumbler, on the chimney^-^eoe. The ffreen-room is 
a place of agonizing trial to young gentlemen who have been 
smuggled in behind the scenes, and who, if they have pluck to 
cross the threshold at all, commonly stand in the centre of the 
room smiling feebly, amid tho well-bred stores of the habitat. 

Galaxy (of Talent). — A word in ireqaent a8& amongst managers to 
designate a knot of people w^Mm atbody «ver heard of. 

Gag. — ^When an actor mLxesi iip t sAim^i e dialogue of his own with 
the author's text, he is atid to '^g||ig" his part. The A4kiphi 
frequently furnishes striknig spedoNOS df t2ie practioe. For 
example, suppose Mr. Wri^rat to he ifhcmg Haoduff, and Mr. 
Paul Bedford, as Rosse, tol>e briagiiig Aim the tidiiigs^f the 
murder of his family, we^ shouid fl9|»ect to bear the dtaltgne.giyip 
as follows : — 

Macduff. My childreittoo? AUtbe^littfttpippity-poppetsies? 

Ilotwe. Old woman laHi riBTiiM nill that could be found. 

Macduff. Oh, my g yo - J to k ■ htr e 's a go— nyetbeir ! 

Malcolm. Be oomforled : 

Let^sHMke aedicnie of onr great revenge 
To oare tU» deadly grief. 

Macduff. He am't ^ot never no children as ever wai — what! All my 
pretty ones ? Bid jmt^l beg to ask— say all? Oh, hell-kiie ! What, all 
the biling? The tottle«Cthe whole — all my pretty chickabidies,:ia&d their 
dam — 

Rotu. 1 8ay,^4f ac, ^n't swear — It ain't proper. 

Macduff. LiUliereyou, my b-o-o-o^>-y. 


Hit. — Atliiig ^Iteer seen on the play-bills than in the theatres. 
Whenever) A numnger announces a ''Tremendous- fait," "Crowds 
turned tawny every ««raing;" expect a stupid pieoeaad ei^ty 

expression for the style of acting 
adopted by virtaoaa fMOWitSr er severe uncles, in farces, and that 
class of ducal potentates wlwaar in at the dose of Shaksperian 
pieces, i«t the head of the commeo'.iMimcil of Pjuhia or Verona, 
and Mke a loag speech to the princiMl peroootMs in the play. 
Wcttrevery aerry to state, that so ligittiy oitceniS to virtue and 
station uponilhe stage, that Uie "heafiy.MiAteBMx" in question 
rarely get Mere than thirty shillings At^wicik. 

HuNTSl£Afl^(Stage). — The stage hunteraan JSjAlmtya'ta-^tleiBan 
with a^een doublet and bn-echeSr a broart-^iriBMMd whity«bro>wn 
hat, and ditto boets. In his hand he invaxiaUy eanies a iktxi 
tin-headed spear, tiMiigh agaiaat what kindof^^nae :it eazi'bo 
nsed to advaatige iaa>pfiiiU«a>iiiiich the OMtt irtipngmiiniled of 
men oottid Mver^aefaBe. fSlie^tegehnateman is gpiupBrwis, and 
the method df .Ims hontiiig is to eone eo with htsjftttewp in 
Indian file, thcnito.kx>k up and down the stage and ffiogthtsivms 
about like a telcgniph,i«aertiiiiiioh the whole party simpA^ekpnis 
in this style : — 

"Hark! hark to the bvtglfts breath. 
As it cheerily chides th» hmto, 
Then up and away to the greanraifldi«|y 
To the sound of the hunter's horn ! 

After this musical ebullition the huntsmen depart in Indian file 
as they came. 

Intrioue (Drama of). — A play in which everybody is in love with 
everybody, while everyboav pretending to oe somebody else is 
jealons of everybody, «o tliat nobody lniow« notbitig of the'real 

projects of anybody, and everybody is perpetoaUy being Burprue^ 
m comical aituatioDS hy som^iody else^ «otil in the end everythoDi; 
is happily woundup by somebody being married to everybody. 

IlfTEREST (A Drama of Romantic). — A ghost^ a pur of lovers, s 
trap-door, a chorus of huntsmen, a funny old seneschal, a moon- 
light effect by Grieve, two combats, an assassin, a mysterious 
hero in a black cloak and a sable plume^ and a wrathM baron in 
jack boots. 

IifTEREST (A Drama of Domestic). — Consists of a virtnoas girl 
who supports by her labour her father, mother, two grandfathers 
and grandmothers, nine brothers and sisters,^ eighteen nephews 
and neices, and four-and-thirty cousins. She is accosed of^ theft 
and murder by a wretch who attempts in vain to seduce her ; and, 
after a tremendous pile of circumstantial evidence has been reared 
up against her, she is suddenly proved to be innocent by the 
testimony of her lover, who was believed to have been drowned at 
sea fourteen years before, but who suddenly turns nn no one 
knows whence, with a fortune which would aaitonish Botoschild, 

A Ragt Subject. — A stag chased by Benyenato Cellini 
round a wine-cup. 

JuvENis wishes to know whether Wordsworth had ever 
been a baker in early life, as he wrote a poem about the 
* * White Douo;h of Rylestone. ' * Jurenis must be an idiot, or 
a ** progress ' writer. 


The offieeraof the DsBdalus are placed in rather an awkward 
position. HaTin^ assured tlie public that they saw a great 
8e» «fpm f; inrtlw Atlantic, Professor Owen has bera very swift 
in commg fwai d to demonstrate the impossibility of any- 
thing of the sort, and his noes are likely to weigh more than 
their eyes with the public. It is really very kind of the 
Professor to set the gentlemen right ; and we trust that he 
will pursue boldly the same line of investigation, in which 
case the minds of travellers will be disabused of many erro- 
neous impressions. When an enterprising navigator, hence- 
forward, sees a thing approaching lum wiUi four legs, or two 
tails, as the case may be, he will not rush madlj^ into the 
belief that an animal has been presented to his vision, but 
will doubt the beast and bdieve the Professor. We are 
afraid, however, that it would afford but little consolation to 
a man when on the point of being devoured, to reflect that 
the beast had no existence, andTthat when his melancholy 
fate waatnanated, the lemed Owen would diuate it in the 

The iPrdSnsor is kind enough to admit, howeyer, that 
dier -mi^ l»ive seen something, but not a serpcpt. It was 
probably a-eadl, or a sea-lion, he says. Considering that 
Captain M^Qhae is a sailor, and ought to know what a seal 
is ; that mnm half-a-dozen others were eye-witnesses and 
sailors akQ.;}aiid that the animal in question was twenty 
minutes in- eight,. and had a drawing made of it, really, tb^ 
evidence &r its existence and ite oeing serpentine, seems 
tolerably gaod. We are quite certain that could evidence 
equally strong be bcought to prove that the worthy Profirasor 
was an hahknl d^ike QvajQge Tne, he would long ere this have 
been purauing^ue Hrtafliaftv d wap ed by tiM society of Cuffi^. 
He is quite n^ i«o Ihwig'his kaowkdge \x&an die pubhc 
on/Uie question, ;wid vwe are aliwayB ;glad to hear of him. 
Will he inlopm*tm--«as the appearance^f the animal's head 
seems a chief point — whether eeals have cresto, or not? 
We will keep a look-out for the future, in our annual journey 
to Margate, for similar brutes. 

Bv-the-bye, could not Profenor Ow«n thmy sone lig^ 
on ethnology, by bringing his MBi)>ani^w aMrtuny to^^ 
on the bones of toe Ethiopian aenmerKt 

Better Late than Never. — ^A young (German reader of 
ours writes to say, after a profound cogitation of a few weeks, 
he has discovered that the most foolish act of which the 
Prussians have been guilty for some time was the nomina- 
tion of Herr Pfuel to the hekn of affiiifa, junce 
crvideatly adding/itf I to the flanea. 




1. On sitting down some Sunday to dinner with one or 
two friends, whom you have invited three days before, you 
apologize for the simpleness of the repast, which coBftiAts of 
soup, fish, two courses, and a dessert, and tell them they 
must be content to take w4iat you harfe got, as you hatve 
made- no grand pBiaparations on tiior awount'; it is a mis^ 
taken iMitioa*to aoppon tkattbey heiiers'yoai 

2. A man's aunt dies, and leaves him hermonegr to the 
amoont of forty thousand pmmdi^ and her favounte cats. 
He goe9 into iiiourdiiig<of "the noost sable hue^ writes on note- 
paper'with a black' edge -an inch wide, and inserts an adver- 
tissment in^ aM the pBtpm to the' efiect that 'she died mostr 
de^ly laraeiitBdMHat it is a nnsfeaken notton to believe thatc 
he IS partiiculwrly giioved* 

y.'B, — The cats disappear some-fine momlng, unless 
there is a special dause in the will regarding their 

di Wheo'iiMide soy-tlffitftey shaUibehappy^ bw yen. 
at all times, twithoiit.namiag^aiiyfparti<iiiiar day, it is a mis- 
taken notion to imagine that they^meaa it. 

4. When medical stndeata return, to the parental roof 
at about 12 p.m. very unsteady on theur legs, and tiieir hat 
knocked over their eyes, it is a niistaken notion to imagine 
^t this unsteadiness in their gait is to be attributed to cer- 
tarn experiments ther have been making on themaelres to 
ascertam the effect oi chloroform. 

5. When a jroung ffentleman indites a. l(Uig letter to hns 
father or guardian, and talks in it at great length about the 
wonders m nature, the beauties of science, or the sweets of 
learaingv but ends with a postscript about his just having 
reeollectedithat he was in want of five pounds for books or 
instruments, which said five pounds he should feel much 
obliged by having sent him — it is a mistaken notion to sup- 
pose that the poi^Beript is-not' the most important part of 
the letter. 

6. "The nearer t« the fwuitauij ^ clearer the water,'' 
says ihe^ronrerb ; but those who will take the trouble to 
walk to Traialgar Square will find that this is a mistaken 
notiott indeed. 

PowHR OP THE Press. — A country editor of our ae- 
quaintanee has such faith in the powerful influenee of his 
pen, thai he is in the habit of reffi»ding all mundane trans- 
actions simply as a game of— /o(5ttviiiy-/ea<fcr. 


The French papers announce that negotiationeare on the 
tapis between Spain and the Government of the United 
States regarding the sale of the island of Cuba to the latter. 
The same authority adds that this valuable freehold properly 
had been oftred to Mr. John Bull, but that he idlowed nim- 
self to be outbid by Brother Jonathan. Just so ! We ate 
deKghled to^hear it. Ooee let Cuba beetmiethe^ property of 
fintem, and one of oar most'fiourishing domestic manufae- 
tmes would be for ever knocked on the head ; no more 
Fulham PiokwickAy no more Minories cheroots. What, we 
woidd.ask, in ihe name of all that 's fragrant, would become 
of the Hammersmith cabbage-gardeners ; and the many 
Hebrew establishments in Uie^ metropolis that find enoploy- 
ment in fabricating that native luxury, a ^U^flavcrared Uuba, 
if forei^ cigars should come into vogue ? Forbid it, ye wise 
protectionists! Forbid. itv ye anxious pa*s and mas, who 
are .actuated by a. parent's solicitude for your sons' nervous 
systems! Never, aa you value the n^orality of Brstsiufs 
youth, let that noxious narcotic tobaoeo orosa the thraahoki 
of.ourimmaculate-'-our seatgirt isle. For our own part, we 
must say that it is quite bad enough that our silk mamifac- 
ture, our toys, our Jacks-in-the-M)xee, and hobby-horses, 
i^ould have been brought to the verge of ruin by foreign 
competition. This is <H|plorable; nevertheless, as {4uloso- 
phers, we thank heaven that things are not vet come to the 
worst. England still enjoys a monopoly in tfie manu^Msture 
of cheroots f 


We have often wondered what public mm mean by the 
following epithets : — 

The S%ovle. 


Thit Mob. 
The Populace. 
The. Eaqble. 

These words are continually used until the confiimon be- 
Qomes a confounded nuisance. Sufifflrus to tell.eaoh. politi- 
oian.the way to use them, under the'Cxistcng system* 

The Peopdb .... Everybody ornobody: 

The Public .... Those who buy^your pamphlels, <S:c. 

The Mob Your tradesmen, servants, Mid so on. 

TMb Populace . . Those who drag your carriage at an 


The Rabble ...» All those who hoot you on the hus- 


To<\ perceive that thnB the pmtioii' of'any social unit 
variea with his condnet* to you. Those «whi>^ <hn*i buy your 
pamphlets fall from the *' public " to* tile- '^populace ;" 
those who wonH drag vonr oaniager sink^ in'their turn, from 
''populace " to "rM)Dle ;" whie, on the o^ut htmd, those 
who oheer you on the hustings rae^pma *'t«bbie" to 
"populaoe, and so on throng- the. v«rioiw«|i8 and downs 
of a life of humbuj^. 

The pemiy-aUmer k fond of demding' people, by de- 
seribing them as ^^thepopukMe." Taua-ittieetedxMntempt, 
however, is nothing' mo» than the envievs'^kortiml ffi a man 
-^-sprung litandly frtnn "^the nibble "-*^«r^ fthe superior 


[Fob the idbtmatSon of nBiafoKmed(8aWcitfaeflBrf w^lvgi to observe 
that in printingroffices aMmsgarinfl ^^called^a. "AMg,"] 

Who was itr cruelly killed poor JertolB's Mag, 
Spite of philanthropists' vue and vdgar brag ? 
Why did it month by mon^ so clfeamr flag ? 
Why was it never read but by some old hag ? 
Why were its artioleB neverworth a rag. 
Ana only fit for our wastfrpaperrbigt?' 
Why^dia it ride-to dea^itfa' unwilHngrnagv 
Who over-its dreary^ page would sometimes feg? 
Wb^'behind all oiftherjoumala did it^h^ ?^ 
Why did eaoh " papar '' end wi^a:dap^tnq» "tag?" 
Why was it ridiculed by every wtig ? 
Why for so long^ its dull exntonoe drag:? 

— Beoanse it d^endad on novgbtbuf stupid gag. 

" Whbsi ABM You A^HOViNQ TO ?"-*We have been 
very muoh surprised at the obstinaey witb which the Boy 
Fitzwilliam has p^wvered in his attempt to thrust himself 
on the West. Riding constituency, in the faoe^ of his univer- 
sally admitted isnorance and inexperience. We hear it 
asserted that his family are very wealthy. If so, why have 
they not ^pent some of their superabundance^ in educating 
their hopefol son ? If ever he gets into Parliament, it wiU 
be by some such means as his contemporary, the cdebrated 
Boy Jones, got into Buckingham Palace. 

Cheap Outfits for Eiiiorahts. — Ail that is requisite 
is, that each emigrant carry a small bottb of Soyer's sauce 
for the sava^ to eat him with. This is a pieee of delicate 
attention which will make our surplus population quite 
popular with the heathen of cannibal propensities. 

Castino Purl before Swine. — We understand that. 
M. Jullien, pleased with the success of his Ptarl of England 
waltz, is preparing a companion to it, under the title of the 
«♦ Dog's Nose of (Jreat Britain." 

I I 

, I 



'NG other mat- 
ters we found, 
in a maao- 
Bcript in the 
BHtish Hu- 
Beiim, the fol- 
loffing "Mar- 
rie je«t of 
Maiater VU- 
liam Shake- 
a(«are and ye 
pike keepers 
ftt Vatertoo 
ikesjieare r&- 
which w" in 
* in y* which 

,. , „ Uyechaffiithe 

guardian of j* tolle, aayinge, y« fimnie fellow, 

" ' PTtbee, good nr—nunj, here is a FenosjlTania 
bond whereof I require y change— all but y* one half- 
penny due to y^ tolle. " 

'' To J" which y Kuardianne demurryDe, 
, '"*''"7*>' *^lh Will: 'supposyage anje body 
« . u »™r.y(|ur healthe, what woulde you reply V 
" 'Marry, «r,' qnoth y* guardianne, ' that 1 waa 
amouKatey* middlynges.' 

,' Naj-. fiwnd,' Buth mad Will; 'thm ahonld ye 
reply, I tackina, my miusUr, I am as becometh a pike 
man, beyingetoi-lol."' Ha!ha!hs!" 

"Upon which nwrrie jeate y gnardianne did let Will 
Soakeapeare pasoe for nothynge.'' 


There !■ at 'the preeent moment a man living in tbe 
tity who haawalkerfoTerSouthwark Bridge. Tffisgreat 
cunonty will ahortly be exhibited at the Egyptian Hall. 
He IS a qmet middJe-aged person, with nothing at first 
sight remarkable in his appearance. The penny paid 
by this KMitleman is still to be seen at the toll-houBe, 
preserved m cotton under a glass case. 


Pawnu fond of eatl^ whitebait should be warned 
fay the fate of Alderman Gobbles. This civic funcUonary 
was m Oa habit of devouring such masses of the nnol- 
fending httle fishes, that at length the steamer in which 
he used to «o to BUckwall was HguJarly followed by a 
Bwam of whitebait, who kept opening their little mouths 
as though to imprecate vengeance on the Aldeman's 
bead. Gobbles used to laugh at this. But mark the 
sequel. One eTOmng, having drunk too much iced punch, 
be tilted head over heds out of the boat into the river. 
A dtoen rf whemes immediately put off to his rescue. 
But the Alderman was never seen again. Just as he 
disappeared m the water, the whitebwt made a terrific 
rush at him, and in an instant he was pulled into a 
myriad of pieces. In his life he had eaten many white- 
bait ; m his death many whitebait ate him. 


The water of the Thames has been analyzed, and 
ftund to consist of the following ingredJeate. in the 
following pT^>ortiona : — 

Clean mud , , 

Dirty mud . , 

Bead dogs , 

Dead cats 

Contributions from sewen 


The first atone of Westminster Bridge was Imd about 
a century ago, and the men ore working at it stiU. It is 
Mpected to be finished the same year that the Tunnel 
begins to pay. ......^ 


Country gentlonen visiting London, and toakiag 
ewnrsions on the nver, ought to be particular in ask^ 
the destmation of the boat on which thay take tbwf 
stations An affecting story is related of a respectaUe 
penwn from Somerwitaure, rnlending to ^to nCSd 
and Hampton Court, but who uiA^pUy*got on boarda 
Graveeena boat. He had a map of tKW^ a 
steam-boat in his hand, but even these availed him 
nothing BV a singular fatality, he mistook Greoiw^ 

l-utoey, took Enth for rfammewmith, ^awd upon Pn" 
Sl^JlS ^V^' ?°«'<>«™1 Queenhithe to be terorth, 
Bhpped ashore at Graveeona. imagining that he^ 
T^K *f 5'-^"='?"™^' ""* fin-ily minStely eiaminS 
Tilbury Fort under the erroneous idea that faTwasii 
specting Hampton Court. , "o wm m- 


^JT^- 'a?'*'™^* »f Londoners of the first mlea of 
mecbamcd science is meUncholy. When Hungerfoid 
Bndee was bmlding, ,t was the firm impressiM of the 
mhabitante of Pe^ar's Ac« that the roadway waa to 

rBri^'^'rilor^ ""'^ "' ^^" -^ of 


(For which see Rose and Crown.) ''- 
|™»* (including pint of wine) £o 7 

Knife ! ! 

Fork . 

Spoon . 

Water . 


Plate . 

Cheese . 

Desert , 

Waiter .... 

Eight questions adced at waiter 

2<f. each . 
Wariiing your hands . 
Taking care of your hat 



£1 19 



If yon wish the tide to flow up, contrive to han sune 

A eoiiramioti! tmu: or watebiim's Vaiuu. 
Fay oM-tiurd of onfrhalf of what u aaked. 
tl,.^!!?'™" ^*-— Fro™ it8 fiflquent roughnew^ and 

of tSaSSi:"" ""-^ '^ " "«'" " ^"7 
aamS'^ ""J"'" » »PP»»«i !« lav. doritod it, 

.hSTl, r* '^ "" f "f"' a«d aooadlr Sod 
Om, bj t,o walemm whoooToU daaaod iTiftSd M 



■SCT^A^S Wa^ 




that of Mdlle. Niaseiria Lueia, and' thvt' vf 1&\. Btum in> 
iMIbg' hit thmlif). 

Mcffle. NisMn was far hetter in JCWcta than in I^orma, 
which requires more tragic power than she possesses^ Her 
refti^esentation of the character was similar m most respects < 
to that of the* various Cucitu that have heea seen on 'the 
Italian stafsa in En^^iind.. Her aetM»{(. wm»4M nmnjr scenes 
€Xoeedhig]jr pathetie;.aod>alw«iys-iateU^enty beiag.oevoid' of 
the ezaggorated nKMnouatic' efiwts which: JiaBY Lind 
used to attempt in the mad seeiie. We have no Mief in 
what are called '* nvw readmgs ;*' and have always endea- 
▼owed to impress on the tmblic that* the anthoror composer, 
in most cases, plainly indicates the st}'le ofany ghren part, 
and that every artiste who presumes to depart from it under 
Ae pretext of a " new readmg/' where ihsare can be but one,, 
is highly culpable. The nonsense, therefore, that has been> 
written by a few journalists about Mdlle. Nissen having 
given a ** new reading " to the oharaoter, akhough intended 
as comflaoeiitary toner, is quite the roferse. ^urdiui^ who 
played AMim wfaea the Limia was first produced in Eng- 
uad ai tha FrisMea'a Theatre, appeared in that part, and 
sang with the greatest tasta. Sims Reeves-piayed his best 
part in his best style. The hriHtaot and pleasing but *' un- 
classical " Hai§dte^<ytm^wam to attract. 

Mr. BuOB, in cons eyie pce of the "exi^ncies of the 
tijMs," haaleifwred his prices, of course with the view of 
raising the wind. The result has been successful; the 
theatre is now well attended every evening, and altogether 
(as the gentlemen ci Uw Whitlaigton Omb would say) is 
" very fil& thepriccir" Mr. Bmui has done very wisely 
in . niakiag ' this -reinotion. Ha \m/k onLr two couises to 
chDoee^b ota g en a tedfuctioMn hie emnftiMire^ witls empty 
hoases -all ^jh piioes,. onUh^^ono nkad;; aisiiMnased 
attraetioiiVi wiihtiAhoiMSBatlow^cea.4«Q^^ In 

«hooan»g.^ lAttsr, he has merely act^nMnth^ modern 
prin<Rp£, which gives a irokmie or poems tor a shfMing, a 
trip to Pans fdr forty fraao^ and a l^iIrpPBT-^feewfar three 
hM^Boe; Ahooet everytltfaghas ikkfeawud i^^me-of late 
7«ars, eseepting the adaiesiontotheatres,- and yetmaaagera 
oonthMSs ta weadar that they ate- not mooessf ul t 

JuUien is conthialn|^ to do wdl at DRtmr Lattb: His 
Pearl of England waltz is by no means so meritorious a; 
production as some of ins other compositions. Some of the 
airs (the opening one, fdrdastaiioe) are pleasing enough, but 
as for some other portions, which are intended as evidence of 
elevev writing, th^ is this aU-safficient objection to be made 
to them, that they are no more to be danced to than the 
higubriouB waHies of Beethoven. Wb khow that there are 
some unconfined maniacs who fancy thlit B^thoven's waltzes 
ara'supaiativdy exteHeat, but tny must remember that a 
vwdta whiphcawast bo waltaed to^ possesses ahoat the some 
merit AS** a joke whioh bo one oaa laugh at, or as- anything 
elsd<-^^#rroM'c« Jfa^kw^^ for iastanoe^whioh fails to answer 
the pavpose for whsoh- it was nniginally iBteadedr 

AttheHATMAKKET, Shak^pere*8 TwetftKlf^hthM been 
produced withj^reat'sm^eess. Mrs. C. Kean, as Viola, is 
ezceileot^ tmtl^, natomUi, aad Womanly^ Msss Rajiiolds's 
OZtvtawas 4dso<a chastS'unassnming .performanoe ; in fact, 
the whole pieee- was moot e£G)etiv«lyjgot'up« and, m order to 
render it still noM conlpleie, Ma. H7 Vandenho^ as 8«ha$^ 
tian, waatba Twil£lfli .NigM '* Cake*" 

At the Adelphi, a new farce^ entitled ^SIM^^' and 
Crasher^ has been very favourably reaeived« 

A retiredi trumpeter, of the name oi Blowhard (Mr. Lom^ 
bert)« is possessed of a niece, Aot« (Miss Emma Harding), 
and agister, Dinah (Mrs. Laws). These ladies are respec^ 
tively beloved by Slather (Mr. Wright) and Crather (Mr. Paul 
Bedford) ; and, ontherreing^of the cmtain, are onlyvralting, 
in .order ihak ^exr fat^ptnesa tnay be complete, for Bhwhard 
to give his^eoMsnt, wmh he -is abont to do, when a servant 
brings himia aJ^ter. After its nemsal, Blwohard, to the 
surprise of aU present, si^vldealy^dedaiies that Messrs. Sia$her 
and Crathgr shall n»rer bcooaae members of his fam^y, and 
ends by ordering them to qui* the house instantly — an order 

which they see themselves under the painful necessity of 
obeying, however n^luctantly. 

After the gentlemen are ^one, the audietiee is made ae- 
qtiainted with the canse of this sodden change -inthe aspect 
of afihtfs. The letter oontaiiis infbrmatlon that Messra. 
SUtsker and Cratker are a^ couple of arrant cowards*: the 
former having, the day previously, i«oMved, on the grand 
stand at the ittees, and in a most- sensitive part of hi^ body, 
a- tremendous kiek wtthont resenting it; and the latter 
being president of an anti-dneying sooieff , both of ^ich 
circumstances cannot do otherwise than ctM dewtv upon ttieir 
heads the contempt of such a fire-eater as Bfowhard, \w his 
capacity of ex-trumpeter, natumUy (dramatically spesldag) 
must be. 

In this state of things. Crasher, who does not like the 
idea of giving up the lady, determines upon impressing Blow- 
hard with a false idea of their courage, and accordingly pro- 
poses to Slasher, that on their first meeting in the' ex- 
trumpeter's presence, they shall get up a sham quarrel. 
Crasher is to throw a snuff-box, or a music-stool, or some 
other SHoh trifle, at Sksker's head, and Sta$ker is to demand 
satisfaction. This reqasst Crasher will immediatdy a6eedfc 
to, and they will then instantly set off for the ground, 
where a friend of Cra*Aer *j— -one on whom he can rely, to 
whom he lends money— will charge the instruments of death 
with blank cartridges. They will then mnttiaWy receive 
each other's fire most coura^jeouslv ; and Blowhard, con- 
vinced of the falseness of his suspicions, will withdraw his 
opposition, and once more smile on their wishes. 

Somehow or other. Slasher does not understand the plan, 
and, consecpently, when Crasher insuhs him in ther manfier 
agreed on, lais an awM «tate of trefndaftian. B«rin£, how- 
ever, had reeoarsa ta- a aoMdl brandy bo^ which he nas in 
his podket, ha pineki up couvage^ and man£(dly d^es his 

It is now tftiaiotker'a tam t^ befrighteiied : heandeavours. 
br aU aorts^f signs aad winks, to make Slacker uaderatiu^ 
that ha is aolini earnest ; but all to no purpose. They pro- 
ceed to the ground, and eachaaga idMia. After the first 
disdmrae, it isidiseoffsred tfaattheie are no balls in the pis- 
tols; Tiysao'exaspa r a tafl Siaskeri whb is now worked up to 
sueh a pitch as to be totally regardless af all daitter, that 
he 'deaunide swords ^ and, on these beinfr fuHMShed the two 
cooihataBts, rushes Duhisanta^enist, and pots him to flight. 
He then continues to pursue him with the mo^i implacable 
fury, until Blowhard, conviuced of his courage, restrains 
him, and accords him his niece's hand. He also crowns 
Crasher's hopes by 'giving him tha hand of his sister — yfhj, 
it is impossible to say, umess it is because, in his case, he is 
convinced of ^uite the reverse. 

This was certainly the most clumsily contrived part of 
the whole piece, because it is not likely that the ex-irumpeter 
would Buddenly.'oct in a manner diametrically opposite to 
his character, aad the practice of his whole hfe. It is much 
better managed iui the French original, where there is no 
second morria^ and the part correspcmding to Dinah, 
Madame Beltou, is the wite and not the sister (^ the old 

Wright was excellent, and kM>t tha audience in a roar of 
laughter from b^jinning to end: newas most ably supported 
by Mr. Lambert and' l£ss Emma Ilarding. 

The Showman has alluded t6 the French original ; for, 
despite the authority of the bills, whidi assert the contrary, 
Slasher and Crasher is an adaptation — a clever one, it is true, 
but still an adaptation-^the piece from which it was taken 
having been preauced at the Th^&tre du Vaudeville on the 
9th October, 1835, under the title of Le Poltron, and printed 
in La France Dramatique, under the No. 228. 

It is true that thfe author 'of SUnhtr and Crasher may be 
similarly situated to Puff, who, on being told that the line — 

" Perditita catbh my soul, hat I do love thee '* — 

which occurred in his tragedy, had also pretioudy appeared 
in Othello, replied that this fact proved nothing more than 
that two great men had hit upon the same idea, and Shak- 
spere had hit upon it first. If such be the case in the pre- 
sent instance, the Showman will be the first to acknowledge 
Slasher and Crasher as a new piece. 


So much bas been said about the police of lat«, and they 
are so thorouKlilv well known to tlie public, that ilisguat for 
them IB graQually berinning to suhsido, and they are actu- 
ally becoming respectable tlmiugh the very BtalenesB of their 
iulamj. Indeed, some afiect to like them — a taste resem- 
bling that of comioiseeurs for the coiTUj>tion of a cheese. 
Men are beginning fo yawn when their perjury is alluded to ; 
aud the low dirtineae of their sordid tnclu in private — that 
ia, area^-hfe, ceasea to anmse. The public eye must be kept 
Upon them, however ; and we have therefore drawn up a tabular 
statement for general use conceinivg them. In this (which 

we subjoin) t£) general reader wiU & 

mation :— 


1 much usefiil iufor- 

"He was imring tbiODgh 

"He created a disturbanoe 

" He made a violent attack 

collared br s 

requests uin 

The above shows the difierence between truth and police 
statement — or, truth and &]s^ood, that is to say. But 
there ia a fact about this amiable Force — a fact which 
we mean to din into the eare of the magistrates till 
d^encf makes thsm attend to it — a fact as ehocking 
as the perjury of the body, as dbgusting as their pri- 
vate habits, and as dangeroUB as thor public lies — asd 
that is neither more nor less than this, that they an in the 
habit of taKng bribes from the keepers of low taverns to 
blink their duty. No howUng about "guardians of the 
public peace," &c, will BOrve as a reply to this There 
stands Uie fact. We have a public body to preserve order, 
paid by the country to do a duty, and by private scoundrels 
to negleot It. 

Beab Ma. Showhah, — I have juat come home from India 
witfi my mistress, Mrs. Col. Glazedstock. Oh, dear ! how 
ill I was ! particularly in passing that horrid Cape of Good 
Hope. If you had been with us I am sure jou would never 
have forgotten it all your boni days. Now, I had often 
heard that smIofb were very rough kind of creatures, but I 
did think tiiey hod some heart ; such, however, is not the 
cose, for although they saw how wretchedly unwell I was, and 
know that I return neit month, they actually were for ever 
talking of doubling their horrid Cape. 

Now, dear Mr. SHOWMAN, I think one Cape is quits 
enouc^, without its bung doubled. We dont want the 
worldto have as many capee as a coachman's coat; so there- 
fore I hope you will step in and lend your ud in preventing 
M bearUtts and orbitnry a proceeding, or at least hare " 
put off until after the return of 

Yout obedient servant, 

Uaat llUSUN. 

Sir, — What prelenslona can Mr. Spioks make to rtepectability ! 
I have Ken him traneported, branded vith stripes mi his back ! 
deaoending to the law««t offices — the dirtiest tricks. In ftct he is 
natorallj of a base character, onen cuts his best fi^end^ and is 


It, — Having seen a copy of the tetter Mr. Btabber Sneak has sent 
yoD , I b^ you will allow me a few lines to reply to hia in&maiu 

cusatlonE, which are the more dangerous as they are perftotlj trn<% 
and an additional proof of the ease inth which trath may be distorted 
by a malignant slanderer, for the vilest ends. 

oT ■.■......_ •ijjigpgjgj tjj^t jjj,_ a_ Sneak sawmeiheother 

■with joy at the news of s lega<7 I rsMaved : 
that he saw me brandifd prelh eBcctnally — by fbor tmnblets of the 
finest Cognac Ihe himBelf drank Eve at mj expense). As to stripes 
on my b^k, I wore a striped shooting-jacket ; and, air,<I regret to 
add was obliged to pall Ur. Btabber'snosefor calling me "anorrid 
old ztbra ! " My slanderer oontinaes to say that l£scaided to the 
lowest offices. Well, 1 confess to bsving descended into the cellar 
to get some more Cognao for 'the imgratefiil Bneak. What ha 
means by "dir^ tricks" lam at aloes to coi^ectnre, miless tha 
calumniator refers to several games at icarii I was Iboi «noagh ' 

play <rith a greasy pack of csrds which Iie(Stid)beT)prodiued Enmi 
marked and prepared fijr 

his pocket, and which tnrned out 

Now, rir, having refuted the special charges, I csn only repu- 
diste with scom the general imputation of baseness, which is 
evidently a veiled allosion to my well-known bate xieitx. With 
regard to " cutting mv best fiiends, " being s sculptor by profesriMi, 
I certainly do not widi to deny the charge ; and as to my b^iiig 
"altogether a barefaced person," it is not my fiuilt that nalnre kaa 
given me less than the aversge amoont of beu*d and whisktrs. 
Hoping thnt the urgency of the case will cicuse my prolix 
' your invsluable ipace. 

Believe mc^ 

Bespecled Sbowhar. 

PaiznzLBg Stihks. 

st you will give this exposure of ii 


Tours retpeetAdly, 

Stabbbr SnsAiL 

ABscitD MosiCAL RmioOB. — It has been ridicukxulf 
assOTted that the talented M. Vivier, who has gained so 
much celebrity br bis four notes on the bom, ia about to I 
publish a aeriea oi fai. letters on the trombooe. 

A short time since since then was a report that in oert^ I 
parts of Mexico the soil was full of the pmtet gold ore. On 
the strength of this, Heveral thousand adventuren set oot 
from all parts of America ; but as the bubble bad burst be- 
fore their arrival at the place of thdr destination, we would 
advise them to console tbemsdvee with the rdeotioD that 
their hopes were all o'er, if the soil was not. 

Thx Two Barrts. — The difieienoe between Mr. Barry 
the olown, and Mr. Barry the architect, is that the fwroer 
makee the house laugh at bis tricks, and ^le latter pUym 
tricks that make him laugh at the House. The gaaa«l 
estimate of the former bemg rathoc low, and that of the 
latter enormously high. 

Latest News frok oitk BEBUir Correspomdent.— 
The army is about to be disbanded, as Corporal Schmidt was 
heard to remark that soldiers at least would nmun nut of 
rank (and file) in spite of the democrats. 




Chapter IV.— A Dramatic Plot. 

T was some time before 
I saw Tomkins again. 
It was evident that 
there was a wish on 
his part to conceal the 
continuation of his ad- 
v^tures. However, I 
wiUinglj pardoned his 
remissness in breaking 
the appointment which 
he had made; for, if 
we consider it a mis- 
fortwie to be compelled 
to hear all the history 
of a man's life when he 
has met with nothing 
but good fortune, we 
cannot blame the one 
who shows some tardi- 
ness in relatine the particulars of a career which has been 
onlj a series oiill-lucK. 

Nevertheless, I was anxious to ascertain the fate of Tom- 
kins and of his farce. I accordingly hunted him up at the 
station-house, and drew him forth covered with blushes — ^for 
though a policeman he was perfectly modest. Bashful men 
should never teU falsehoods : the excuses of Tomkins for not 
having called on me were so transparent that at last it only 
remained for him to throw himself on my mercy, and promise 
to come on the following evening, when, after a little trouble, 
I induced him to continue his narrative as follows : — 

'* My feelings on leaving the theatre were those of the 
bitterest disappointment. In the savageness of my heart I 
could almost have turned philanthropist, but my bad nature 
seldom previuled long, ana a cigar and half an hour's reflec- 
tion quite restored my habitual serenity. I had gone to the 
manager with the idea that I was to produce a farce which, 
although a farcer, was constructed on the same principles as the 
immortal tragedies of Greece; which moreover unitea the stem 
ffrandeur of Qie classical with the graceful picturesqueness of 
tne romantic school ; which did not disdain to borrow the 
wit which sparkles in the vaudeviUei of France, the humour 
which glows in the comedies of England, together with some- 
thing of German profundity, Italian gaiety, and Spanish 
dignity. I had, moreover, gone to him with the idea that I 
was to receive fifty pounds for my production. And how 
were my aspirations to be realized ? All that my piece 
possessed of classicality and beauty was to be destroyed, out 
of compliment to the low comedian, and for the trouble which 
this would occasion to the reviser I was to sacrifice my claims 
to remuneration, and thank my stars for getting tne farce 
brought out at all ! " * * * * * 

¥oT some minutes Tomkins was unable to proceed. His 
recollections were too much for him. I therefore filled him 
a glass of grog, which had the desired effect of enabling him 
to continue. 

" Excuse my emotions," said the poor fellow : " after 
the numerous scenes through which I have passed you may 
be sure that no ordinary reminiscence would cause me tears. 
I can now laugh at ineidoits which in my youth and inex- 
perience have caused me many sleepless nights. But the 
sacrifice of wit to dulness, and good taste to a low comedian, 
always awakens in me the profoundest sorrow. It was 
Bolster the fskt and stupid bum)on, who piuned me ; the loss 
of the fifty pounds was nothing. 

** But to come to facts. My farce was underlined as the 
production of 'one of the most popular authors/ the 
-advertisements in tiie newspapers were headed with 'first 
night of a new fiutse.' I had a private box placed at my 
•disposal, and the number of orders which I was privi]^;ed 
to send in on the first night was unlimited. The last rehear- 
sal had taken place, but to this I paid no attention. The 
alterations made in my piece by the theatrical cobbler had 
sufficiently dis^ted me to prevent my being present after 
the first readmz. Besides, no !heed was paid to my 
fuggestions, and if I had told the first footman to brine 
in a letter in his right hand instead of bis left, he wovia 

have persisted in his absurdity, and I should not have had 
the ' moral courage * (which I believe is the latest slang for 
impudence) to reprimand him in the presence of so many 
persons as were assembled on the occasion in question. 

" On the morning of the day when the farce was to be 
produced, I 'awoke with the roelings of a man about to 
undergo 'the severest penalty of the law,' — ^not marria^^e, 
but the other thing. I ate a hearty breakfast and read a 
work on philosophy for half an hour, when Junius Libel, 
the literary slanderer, called upon me in order to agree on 
arrangements for making the farce ' ^o,' as he expressed it, 
in the slang diction of the press and the stage. 

"At the request of this youth I ordered another breakfast, 
with various accessaries which I should never have thought 
of, had not his fertile imagination suggested them. He ate 
with the^ ferocity of an ogre, and in oiiuking displayed the 
capabilities of ten reporters, after which he proceeded to 
urange plans for the success of the farce. It was a long 
time Mfore I could be prevailed upon to allow any illegitimate 
means to be resorted to in order to aid its fortunes, but Junius 
upset every one of my arguments with a sarcasm, and settled 
each scruple with a sneer. I became then an easy convert 
to his principles, and listened with attention to theamiounce- 
ment of his scheme. 

" Youn^ Libel was one of the principal contributors to a 
journal entitled the Scorpion; a Satirical^ Political, and 
Quizzical Chronicle, It was sold for a penny, and hod been 
produced with the several objects of bringing the government 

to terms on the Bill, driving Mr. Glumley from the 

management of the Italian Opera, and writing down the 
Edinburgh Review. Neither of these objects had been 
attained, but nevertheless Jimius Libel was an accomplished 
satirist; he had a healthy contempt for everybody, was great 
at magnifying a fault into a crime, and a perfect Joseph 
Ady in telling persons 'something to their disadvantage' 
on payment of one guinea per artide from the proprietors of 
the journal. For the rest, ne was strong in his fnendships, 
and was as happy to puff a friend as to abuse a man of 
whom he knew nothing one way or the other. Mr. Long- 
primer, the printer and proprietor of the Scorpion, h&d great 
tiaith in Libel, which principally arose from his giving him> 
self a great many airs, and always insbtins on naving his 
naoney m advance. Being besides of a gooa-natured dispo- 
sition, he used to oblige the young slanderer in a great many 
ways. He would allow his boys (or * devils ' as some persons 
insist on calling them) to be employed in carrying Libel's 
love-letters, and one of them was to be seen two or three 
times a-week emerging from his temporary master's 
'chambers' (as he callea his bed-room on a mird floor), 
clad in a complete page's dress, which had been manufac- 
tured expressly for these occasions. 

" Longprimer had, at Libel's earnest request, consented 
that he should be allowed to ofifer tickets for the first niglit 
of my farce to all his compositors. As Junius wrote his 
manuscript in a very clear hand, and never made alterations 
in his proofs, he was rather popular in the office, and it was 
soon arranged that the pit aoors should be stormed at an 
early hour oy a hundrea and twenty men with hard hands 
and an aversion to standing any nonsense." 


Did yon ever know a Chartist orator begin a harangue about 
equality and the rights of man without calling his greasy auditory 
" ladies and gentlemen ? " 

Did you ever know an ugly man who was not fond of talking of 
the beuities of the mind ? 

Did you ever know a magistrate who was not "worthy," at 
least in Uie penny-a-liners' reports? 

Did you ever know a farmer who was pleased with the weather ? 

Did you ever know a tradesman who could get in any money at 
all in these terribly hard times ? 

Did you ever know an actor who was not kept down by a dls- 
graceftil plot in the profession against him ? 

Did yon ever know a theatrical critic who never recommended 
the "jacucioas employment of the pruning-knife?" 

Did yon ever know a real sailor who could dance a hornpipe ? 

And did you ever know a real smuj^gler who was in the habit of 
saying, *• Ware Hawks— douse the glim :'" 





Legitimacy is the succeaaion to supreme power of the 
members of a peculiar family, not because tuey are £tting 
ilepositaries for that power, but because of the accident of 
their birth. 

But we, the French people, hate and have abolished 
legitimacy, therefore we will vote for Louis Napoleon to be 
President, because he is the nephew of his uncle. 


We perceive thai Professor Ryan is giving leetores at the 
Polytechnic Institution on the ** Phil^phy of ao Empty 
Bettle,'' out of whieh he no doubt g)»ts a large measure of 
vaiaable inibraia^n. However, tnera as& <&dbt]e8a more 
matters connected with the subject thaa aee- dreamed of in 
his philosophy, and we thmefore take the lib^*ty of m^iahiar 
thel followmg, by way of supplement to the rrofeBSor^ 
lactufii: — 

Labies un» OSMTLXMXir.^The bottle n^ich I hold in my 
hand is what is oommanly called a quart bottle, on the celebrated 
lue. a non luc, principie ; for it ceriaialy does not hold a quart. 
Jdaay of you woud probably acoept my aBseriioii as troth, and 
others would be fully satisfied were I to prove to than, by ocol&r 
demanstration^ that I cannot put a quart mto this quart bottle. I 
preftf adopting a plan more m accordance with the severe prin- 
cij^es of science, and will therefore prove to yea, by mathematical 
arguments, that the vessel called a qoart bottle, which I hold in 
mj band, cannot contain a quantity of Uquid equal to one quart 


Then A B C D E shall net coDtak a quart. 

For let bottle ABC DE contain a quart ; 

A nd from bottle A B C D E cut off part ABCD^apint. 

And '.' bottle A B C D £ ::& a quart. 

And part A BG D = a pint 

. '. the remainder E A D = a pint 

Bat ABC D = a pint 

/.EAD = ABCD; 

I.e., bottle'^ neck E AD = bottle's body AB C D, which is 
xxceedingly absurd. 

Wherefore quart bottle ABODE cannot contun a quart. 

Q. E. D. 

Having, then. Ladies and Gentlemen, settled the ouestion as to 
10W much this qaart bottle can contain, let us proceea to the more 
nteresting inquiry of *' What did it contain ?" 

It mignt have contained the Moselle for drinking which, at the 
ness table. Captain Reynolds incurred the just but temperate 
vrath of Lord Cardigan ; it might have contained the generous 
Jurgundv of the West-end chxm, the hot Port of the suburban 
)aek parlours, the noxious Marsala of the Whittington Slap-bang, 
T the soul-destroying gin of the labomring classes. 

As it is, it contained neither the one nor the other, but shnply 
ome whisky, which I sent for from the Scotch stores vesteroay 
itcmoon. And now that I am lecturii^ on the " phifoeophv of 
mpty bottles," I think the most philosophical thing I can do will be 
3 bcnd back the empty bottle and regain the threepence which was 
;ft OS deposit on it, and which I can advantageously expend in 
ractical experiments on a pint of half-and-half 

MisE&ABLE State of Louis Napoleon. — Louis Nape 
xm has borrowed all that he can boast of from his uncle, and 
ill never be able to redeem any one of his pledges ! 

Ingenious Discovert by Punch. — PttiicA lately found 
out that "Joseph Ady, or the Secret" weidd h& a^ood 
title for a burlesque on ^'Havdee, or the Secret." it so 
happens that the Showman had made the same discovery 
many week» previously, and had informed the public thereof 
through his usual medium. We don't mind our funny 
irienoB imitating our programme of the entertainments at St. 
Paul's Cathedral line by line, but we must reaUy obiect to 
havmg our paragraphs transferred literally to hia colunma 
unless the same m dMy acknowledgscL 



The dodge which we have so often exyostd in miaaic» of 
passing off ponderous prodaetiooB m nbEne, and oon- 
demning pleasing melodies as Mmiom, h aDW being tried 
in literature. One fool mafcuwinaiy, andktbi musiau fools 
are now creating a vast horde of literaij brothers. 

The Aihenaum recently came out with an article abnsiTa 
of the light literature of the day ; and, as that journal pddea 
itself on its heaviness, it appropriately selected one of the 
Yoy dullest of its eor9% to write the attack. Indeed, we 
should not wonder if tne writer chosen wese the medMMre 
son of the mediocre Scotchman who occupied a fourth-rate 
positioB in letters &wm years ago ; or worse still even, iktQ 
beavY young man who did the ponderous indignatjon in, 
and Wped to kill, a magazine of radicahim that went out 
in snuff^at no very distant period. The articla waa stupid 
enmigh for either of those persons ; but, as the asininily of 
the Athfutum is inexhanatible, it is quite possible that ef«n 
some stupider maa than either ^ them was dragged out of 
obscurity for the occasion. Howevar, it is not worth while 
to pursue the inquiry at presenl At soma futwe psriod we 
may harpoon these litsnuy porpusses for our own and the 
public amusement. 

It is amusing to hear the Atkemmwrn abnsiag lidit litera- 
ture, when we remember t^i Bulwer haa deMriDed it as 
the '* grace and flower of human: euknes." However^ 
perhi^ it is btcau— it is the " flower " of enkme that the 
neavy critics are anxious to destroy it. The antipathy of 
certam animals to flowers is well known ; tfasf furefer afioras^ 
turnips, and husks. Let them induljga in saeh gacbage» 
but not rush into gardens— otherwise rings must be put into 
their snouts to prevent them fironir doing hann. 

The motive of the attack is as base as the execution is 
stupid. It is what fo. Maginn called '* low tradesmanlike 
dirt " that they are flingia^;. It is because the men they 
abuse mU that thej assaiut them> and the moraUty of tM 
attempt to injure weak is on a par with that of the poor 
scribbler of Moses' advertisements, who carefully cautions 
the uublic against rival houses. The works of Reach, 
Mayoew, and the other gentlemen who contribute to 
the li^ht literature of England, have a circulation niore 
extensive than that of all the productions of theee " hi^ 
art " persons put together. And what a compliment do they 
pay the public in abusing the books that it chiefly patronises ? 
The public is the real arbiter after all, as Dr. Johnson said 
wlien his Lent was damned ; and it is a great pitjr that the 
Athenteum set cannot beai* the eondenuiation of thrir failures 
vnih the same good sense and tranquillity, but will try 
to revenge themselves on their more fortunate rivals — as a 
naughty boy avenges himself for his whipping by beat- 
ing one of hw brothers, whose good conduct nas made him 
a family favourite. 

This sort of thing must be soon checked. Are the 
Mhenaum critics quite safe from reprisals ? Have none of 
them written vulnerable bo(^s-^rom the gogglMyed po^- 
a&ter of second-rate tea-parties (who, considering his 
poetical and personal pretensions, seems to try to umle 
Hyperion and a Satyr in his own person) to the leaden 
progeny of Caledonian dulness above alluded to ? 

It may be worth their while to consider this; and 
further, will they, who are so lofty in their notions, rec<»eile 
their moral assumption with the curious sympathy whieh 
is observed to ejust Detween thnr critical and their aaverUnmg 





*SiBoe the Whiff govenior, Lord Torrington, went to 
Ceylon, the colony nas heen in dreadfiil difficulties ; in fact, 
* its g^eographical position must have been altered, since it has 
::got into " Torrington Straits." 

One portrait of the Emperor of Austria, published the 
other day, represented him with very thick Jtpe ; another 
made them thm. However, both may be ri^^ht ; aiace it is 
well known that he lies through thick and thin on every pos- 
sible occasion. 

A set of engineers have published a report upon the state 
of the sewers and dirty places in London. How comas the 
Whittington Club to have been omitted ? 

The West Riding has thrown young Fitzwilliam over- 
board. This shows a healthy state of the community, and 
proclaims its non-liability to be taken with fits. 

Several actors have complained of the severity of our 
theatrical criticisms, and pretend that we have a general 
dislike to the " profession. ' ' We can assure these dissatisfied 
gentlemen that it is not their profession but tiieir practice 
which we object to. 

When the Whittmffton or Cat's Meat Club was first 
started, Jerrold's friends boasted that he was coming out 
with a bang. Instead of this, he onl^r came out with a 

Cavaigoac will have, we hear, to imitate Mahomet ; for 
if the Mountain won*t come to him, he must go to the 

We are heartily glad to see that a new translation of 
Kant's great work has been published ; for everybody who 
reads the Jthenaum and other journals must admit that ^ 
Critic of pure Reaton is terribly wanted in this country. 

^ The King of Prussia has frequentiy bean accused of 
thinking of nothing but his own interasts. The recent 
differences, however, between the throne and the Assembly 
proves that his Majesty can at times forget himself in a 
most extraordinary manner. 

We see there have been some more disputes anent the 
Bishoprick of Hereford. Surely this must be the " See of 
troubles" alluded to by Hamlet in his famous soliloquy. 

We were glad to see our old Mend Roebuck as vigorous 
as ever in the Fitzwilliam afiair. He contrasted capitally 
with "the boy,*' who certainly is fit for no Riding but a 

The Court Circular lately informed us that " the Oueen, 
and Prince Albert, accompanied by the yoimger branches of 
the royal Iftmily , arrived at Osborne," ^. For the convenience 
of the two august personages iust mentioned, we trust they 
were accompMiied oy the royal trunks .as well as branches. 

If by chance Her Majesty and Prince Albert had not 
been accompanied by the trunks alluded to in the preceding 
paragraph, we fancy that the Royal Theatricals would begin 
rftth^ sooner than anticipated, and that the first piece — 
principal characters by Her Majesty and Consort^ would be 
the farce of Anytlwngfor a Change, 



Murdered at Fienna, N'ooember, 1848, by eontrivanee of 
Prince Windisehgralz and Baron JeUachich, 

Behold a murdered patriot's honoured tomb ! 

The fearless orator lies mute in denth. 
Yet shall thy awful silence, Robert Blum, 

Have speech more mighty than thy living breath. 

Vain was thy sacred tru^t, in vain thy right 
A conquered warrior's privilege to clnim ; 

Thy coward judges, with a fierce delight, 
Demandedf, and obtained, eternal shame ! 

Barbarian cowardice, ungenerous, mean. 

Fulfilled this deed accursed : yet shall thy shade 

Rise terrible in many a battle's scene. 
To paralyse the bigot's thirsty blade. 

Wee to thy murderers — ^let infamy 
Haunt them to the extremest verge of age. 

Thou vengeful ball ! thou axe ! pass them by ! 
Leave them toman's contempt and history's page ! 

There is a Greek maxim which tells you to know your- 
self. We suppose it was in conformitv to this that Franken- 
stein created the monster by whom ne was afterwards so 
long pursued ; by acting thus he may with justice be said 
'* to have made his own acquaintance." 


We are glad to see that this unhappy juvenile has retired 
from the absurd expedition into which ne entered, of attempt- 
ing to thrust himself on the constituency of the West Riding ; 
alUiough we have no doubt that the '* retreat of the ten 
thousand " which his wealthy parent was doubtless prepared 
to spend in getting him in, caused much disappointment 
to the dishonest portion of the electors. Many absurdities 
have been perpetrated by constituencies before this, but let 
OS thank ourselves that we have been spared the degrada- 
tion of having an untutored, uncultivatea (though we hope 
not altogether tmlieked) cub, thrust into the parliament of 
England. The youth appears to have been more dull than 
the gjeneral ran of unpromising boys. When before the last 
meetioe, he actually could not comprehend the questions put 
to him! In fact his appearance at all was as well worthy 
of chastisement as the intrusion of any graceless whelp into 
an orchard. He was doubtless playing truant from school 
at the time he appeared at Leeds, and will, we hope, be duly- 
punished for it. 

Now that he is once more in his parents' hands, for 

goodness' sake let them have him educated, so as to spare 
lemselves the pain of a repetition of such a discreditable 
exhibition as the young hobbledehoy has this time made. If he 
is to be a politician, why let them give him at least that trifling 
knowledge of politics that falls to the lot of country gentle- 

We think that his friends are likely to do this now, and 
expect that the following scholastic scene will soon be 
witnessed in his papa's study : — 

Scene.— rAe ttttdy. 

Master. "Now, Master FiUwilliam, what does C B N 
spell r* 

Boy {whimpering^ '* Please, sir, I don't know 1 " 

Matter, "Now, there's a good boy, it shall have its West 
Biding yet, if it 'snot naughty! CORN?" 

Boy {blubbering). " I can*t tell." 

[Here an interesting ceremony, to which we cannot more parti' 
eularly allude, it performed by the indignant Matter.] 

Matter, " G B N, com. Be a good boy, sir, or—" 

Boy {rubbing himtelf), "Com!" 

Matter. "Bravo! It shall have its West Ridmg. I '11 go and 
teU papa that it knows all aboat corn." [Exennt Matter and Boy, 



Obliging Londoner — Take i 
iK't Uisa IT. 


TO vouB liiQHr, THEK THE Third to toub Left, akd too 

I Oiateful Provincial — Oh .' — I thakk yod, Sir. 


What money is he mnde of ? 

From Ilia duloess, ooe would tluok be was made of lead 
riither tlion of tin. 

From his worthlessnesH, one would imagine that he wu 
not composed of bullion, but of (waste) paper money. 

If formed of bullion, it must be of Rotd, the heaviest 
metal, for his weight is such that no ono can support him. 

But what money can he be made of, wlien every one 
acknowiedzes that ho is not worth a shilling ? 

Ko : the " Man " is worthless ; for if you rst hold of 
him in a reading-room, you will find it impossible to change 
him for anything worth having. 

Social Pmkoiiatios.—Iq order tdtimatdy to ntae the 
wind, Louis Napoleon is getdng up fv& in enry direction I 

Reuarkablb FKBitOMBSOir.— TbeotbernightiObserriitg 
a crowd in the noghbouihood of the Whittington Cluh, wc 
rushed to the spot (armed (rf oourae with our stneUing-botUe), 
when we saw Uiat the sensation was created by the arriTal 
of a gentleman's cab, which had stopped at the iloor! Of 
course it was obvious that it could not beloag to a member. 
We could, however, get no infoimatioa as to who was its 
owner, and conclude therefore that soroe flunkey, having put I 
dowN his master in the neighbourhood, had driven to dte ' 
" clA " to get a cup of coffee. I 




Kbmblbs (The fiunily of UiCV->A'— itmui Mke of ladies and 
grenUemen who were remarittble for iMr MurinieBt to the legi- 
timate drama, and one of Ifae chief memben of which introdu^ 
horses upon the stage of Dmrj Lane, for the irst time, in Tiwtour 
the Tartar, The preseli representalWe of the family on the 
sta^e. Mrs. Fanny Butler, is remarkable (br the great l^igth and 
swelling dimensions of her '* Oh, ohs." When she was playing 
Queen Katherine, on the 8hakspei« nighty -41 Cerent Garden, we 
left the theatre as she was bc^nning one ttf these exclamations, 
drunk a glass of ale in Bow street, and ralumed to our place in 
time to hear the end of the ejacnlation. 

KiifO (Stage).— llie stage king is remadtable for always wearing 
his crown, which he is probably in the habit of giving out to the 
Lord Chamberlain every morning to be brushed up with whiting. 
He never moves from one room «i his palace to another without 
a flourish of trumpets, a practiee which we have no doubt is 
followed by actual potentates. Indeed we should not be surprised 
if Harper and Kcenig relieve «aoh other bv turns at Buckingham 
Palace, so as to play a few Mies— sa^ of the Post Horn Gak)p, or 
" Sich a Gettin* up Stairi**-i«wery time the queen walks into her 
bed-room or her nursery. 

Laudakum.— See Legitimacy. 

Leader. — Generally the first violin of the orchestra. Latterly, 
however, the bands of theatres have oome to be so mmerously 
officered by conductors, directors, 3x, &c., that we 4iortly expect 
to see an announcement of a new opera-honte coatain some such 
paragraph as the following : — 

** The Orchestra will eoiMut of one hundred performerB. 
Condactor .... M.CosU. 

Director . 
Manager . 
Master « 

Mr. BaUK 
M. Benedict 
Signer S<^mu 
Mr. TttHy. 
Mr. Wallace. 
M. Hector Derlioz. 
M. Julliea. 
Mr. Blagrorew 
Mr. H. Hiighea. 
Mr. Beale. 
Mr. Smith. 

Secretary «... 

Chaplain . . . . 

** The other prini%al appointments in the oreheatra have not yet besn 
filled up." 

Legitimate. — Tlie legitimate drama, in the eyes of the ouacks wIm 
make the most lee of the term, is generally understood to ajsnify 
that class of ^Nl^rs which have five acts, no incidents, no eirects, 
and no intfiKirt ; but which it is reckoned praiseworthy attd 
intellectual la «it tlu-ough without falling saieep. Viewed in this 
light, the levftimate dnuna is a nightmare, a superstition, a wet 
blanket, a numbug. The Showman b^;8, however, to state, 
once for all, that every good play, into whatever number olttets it 
may be thrown, belongs to the legitimate drama. ThftI there 
may be a legitimate burlesque, or a legitimate farce, as weH as a 
legitimate tragedy; and that the people who would pin the^ pnblio 
down to one rorm of dramatic expression as the only legitimate 
form, are as great (quacks as any who ever started an universal 
pill or an imiversal omtment. 

List (Free).— The roll of peofAe w)m htm Ave miaaminQB to 
theatres is made up of two cuuMMof nanw ihnm oftike laMMPpr* s 
friends, and those of his ibee->4iio0e whom he lov«8, and wee 
whom he fears. As a general rule, it b most fo a p nB ta b ie to te 
reckoned amongst the laner. 

Lorgnette. — A theatrical telescope used In: draaNtie itea. 
(N.B. Never ask your friend for the loan of his loi^gadte daring 
the ballet. ) The lorgnette is useful for man^ pivpoMS. We know 
a dramatic author, who, seeing a man hissing his piece in the 
nitwit was a first night — wem up to the slips and dropped his 
Wgnette upon the hisser's head— bpr accident, of course. The 
man*s scull was fractured, whi<^ didn't signify; but then the 
lorgnette was cracked, which did. 

LOYER (Stage). — He always wears— that is to say, in modem 
pieces— ^wmte trowsers; he always bribes his enchantresses maid; 
ne is ftlways smugij^led in to the mistress through this lady's 
agency. Tb» intemew is always interrupted by a choleric imcle, 

father, or guardian. The lover is then always concealed m a 
cupboard, where he always breaks the plates. The maid alwayi 
aavs, '* It 's only the caU'' The lover is, however* always caoght; 
when it always turns out that he is the very man whom the 
choleric imcle, father, or ^[uardian, has been tormenting the 
beautiful and accomplished nieoe, daughter, or ward, to marry, 
and ;so the stage lover and the stage young lady are married 



[from OCR OWN REP0RTBB8.] 

The usnal quarterly meeting of this iortitatioti was bdd 
recently in the Club Rooms, Strand, Mr. Douglas Jerroldin 
the chair. 

The Chdrman said, that in meeting them on this oecaaion 
he was sorry to say tliat he was obliged to confess that, as 
parent of the institution, he had been very n^lectful of his 
children {Hear, hear). They, however, could not complun, 
as he had treated them no worse than he had other of his 
ofifspring, such as Miss Robinson Crusoe, Masto* Tom 
Thumb, and that darling infant Mrs. Bib's Baby. He had 
not only neglected them, but further, he had been guilty of 
cruelty to animals, for had he not abandoned " JPtm^AV 
Little Bird?*' — a bird which, he had no doubt, a disgusting 
penodioal of the day would, in its black malignity, assert to 
he a gosling ! (Tremendous laughter, which rather <2t«cofi- 
certedDu§yy.) There were no doubts of the advantages of 
this institution. They had good wholesome beef to eat; 
and as to their intellectual wants, were they not amply pro- 
▼ided for by the supply of an admirahle uewsnaper, and a 
brilliant portrait ? (A laugh,) There was all that could 
grslify toe body aad the mind. When the youthful member 
pushed ftway his pewter plate with the potato peelings ui>on 
it, could not Ihs eye wander to that nobler plate on which 
were stamped the striking lineaments of the countenance of 
a great man of this di^ ? ( Tremendmis ekemng, ) In con- 
clusicn, he beped that the Whittinjrton Club would prosper, 
nay, 4aply produce, like another orhb ofisprtng, some ff^BBX 
literary work. (Here a getitleman, who Iwd incautioudy 
iftterti lAf hwme, cried, ** I hope not," and was instantly 

At tm period the ' ' Hymn to Douglas/ * the work of some 
ffenius ol tee Club, in a moment of inspiration, was sung hy 
tne compuBy. As it is exceedingly probable that none of 
our reaoers ever heard of it, we suDJoin the first stanza, 
assuring Ihem that it is bond Jide the genuine doggrel of 
some &g of the olub, and intended to do honour to the 

** The neble Douglas leads the van. 
For prog^s toiling all he eaa — 
A spurit in the form of man, 

God-patented nobility !'* 

The first tldag that stnkes one in this delieious morc$au 
is its admirable appropriateDess to the subject. " Sweets to 
the sweet,'' ^. *' All he can" is a deliciously poedc hit. 
We really don't believe that Keats oould have done anything 
Uke it. Indeed we don*t. 

Ato* this inspiring strain a report was made of the 
faTourable progress of the potato-can ; and after the usual 
«om|)laints alK»ut the fom>i9emi*orths of beef, &c., the 
meetiflg broke up. 


Given — An estate in Tipperary. Required^The rents.^ 
Any one solyinp^ the above probl^n may have the estate in 
question to himself. The title-deeds are now in the hands 
of our hutterman. 

A Stupid Insult. — A small paper— which having in Tain 
endeaToured to injure us by fair means, has now roMrted to 
falsehood — quoted a paragraph last week (in which a joke 
appears on '* R. A. " and '* ray ! '*) as b^ng extracted from the 
Puppst-Show. The paragraph in question never disgraced 
our columns : it appeared in Punch, 




The Showman presento his compliments to the sapportem 
of M. Louis Napoleon, and begs tnat some one of ihem, who 
happens to be acquainted wiUi the useful art of reading, will 
OToeeed forthwith to read the followingsentence to his chief. 
It is ^ 94th maxim of the Due de la Rochefoucauld. 

** Les grands noms abaitsent, au lieu d'Hever, ceux qui ne 
let aavenlpat soutetiir.** 

The Showman further hopes that the said supporter, who 
can read, wiU proceed to illustrate this maxim to Monaiear, 
bjT such homely examples as may bo comprehensible by his 
intellect. Thus : let nim understand that if a man be the 
rickety son of a gteat prize-fighter, it will not do for him to 
go into the ring on ihe strength of his father's name alone, 
3iQ, Let him add also* that it i» well to understaad this in 
time^ else when in the ring he will find it too late. 


Two or three times^ in whatiB called the Season 

By those who make pretensions to gentility. 
To hold a Drawing-RcKnn the Queen agrees on. 

And give full scope for cringing and scsrility. 
On such occasions, all St. James s Street, 

Pall Mall, the Park, are scenes of great commotioD, 
Which all attempts of the Descriptive beat 

To give yon ot them more than a faint notioo. 

From ev'ry quarter, to that dingy pile, 
SumamedVt Jam^*s PalaoeTlong file 
Of carriages, which seemeth without end. 
As slowly aa a snail its way doth wend. 

Amd in thoi» nelf mwae oaitiagoB, an«y«d 
In aH the- pride 
Of ^k and satiki, jewelfery, and laoe. 
There may be spied 
Full many a &ir and beauteoas bloominji^ maid^ 

Whose sentihiental, or dae laughing face — 
Whose lAue and soft, or black aim sparkling eye — 
Which makes the brilliants which she wears to pale— 
Wffl most assm«dly not fidl 

To leave a most oncomfbrtahle trace 
Of the one glance yon caoght as she passed by. 

Then, too, there 're those old, piunted, wheezing hags 

Called dowagers, who, as is most notorious, 
Can scarce more hold together — like those flags 
Hung up, in highly tattered plight. 
As tropnies of some famooa aght — 
The only difference is, they *re not so glorious. 
All men of sense most surelv will agree 
In oor idea : these hate^ hags would act 
Mors wisely to be thinking of the black 
Plumes w jich wa see 

The undert ^kers place on hearses. 
Than of the whitd ones which they love to wear. 

Besides all these, the coaches bear 
Old mummies of the other sex as weH ; 
Who— though theyl're now so doating, trembling, drivelling. 
And so far m their second childhood snivellinj^, 
That it seems strange their friends should m them roam 
A step from home 

Without tV eir nu-«es — 
Think that for the n Dame Nature 's worked a spell. 
And tbouffh all other men majr change, they — they alone 
Still are wnat th^ have been m days long flown. 

It was, then, at a Drawing-room last year. 
That as youn^ Lotzofdibbs, the son and heir 
Of the rich railway chairman of that name. 
And who's but waiting for his father's snoes. 
Was copning up the stair 
(Or stairs, which meaneth just the same). 

His sword got *twizt his legs, and made him stumble. 
At this. Lord Hawsetayle, of i^ Blues, 
Who happened to bo standing near. 
Was heaixi, with a sardonic sneer. 
To mumble : 


Well — reidly — on my honour, I declare. 
It seems he can't rely on those legs there. 

More than on others I could name." 
No sooner had his lordship these words said, 
Than Lotzofdibbs turned firstly pale, then straightway 

very red ; 
His bosom panted, and his eye flashed flame. 

Then, gomg to his lordship, he began : 

*' I '11 not he ridiculed, by any man. 
This very instant, I demand and clium 
That you retract your words, or give me satisfaction." 
** I should prefer the latter," said his foe. 
** Good," answered Lotzofdibbs, ** then let us go 
And find some place for our slight transaction." 

Now, reader, that you may 

Clearly perceive the hidaen sting, 

Whicb, m the words, that Hawsetayle chose to fling 
In Lotzofdibbs' visaoe, lay. 
We think *t is now me proper time to say. 

That by the legs he spoke of m his sally. 
His lordship had referred to those possessed 
By Ma'mseile Entre-Chat, who, 'twas coofSossed^ 

Had got the best of all great Lumley's kaUet, 
This lady Lotsofdibbs had once adored. 
With letters pestered, and with presents stored ; 
And, in her love supremely blis&il, said. 
He meant to go still further, and to wed. 
But, ere the marriage could be bDOU£|it about. 
Lord Hawsetayle had stepped in.aoa cut him out. 

* :|t )|c j|( • 

Within a shooting-gallery near at hand. 

With scowling loolu the rival heroes stand : 

A space of fitteen paces is between, 

Ana in each grasp a deadly weapon 's seen. 

And now the signal 's given. '* One— two — tbvee ; 

Fire, gentlemen " — they straightway do so — see. 

The balls have missed their destinea mark, for tnere 

Unscathed, unhurt, uninjured stand the pan*. 

Now once again they fire, but this time, though, 

Lord Hawsetayle, having aimed his btdlet low. 

The murderous metal 

In Lotzofdibbs's calve thought fit to settle. 

The doctor rushes straightway to the spot. 

And having got 

His instruments all read v. 
Begins to probe about to find the shot. 
Yet Lotzofdibbs sustains the operation 

With mien unalt^^, and with bearing steady, 
He flincheth not. 

He beats thefar-funed Indians all hollow ; 
For, though he knows that amputation 

May quickly follow. 
And tnat his danoing he must then give o'er. 
And round a ball-room lightly twirl no more* . 
Nor e'er a^ain in polka shine or waltz — 
He bears it like a Roman : not a word 
Or groan to issue from his lips is heard. 
But all this fortitude, which nuist excite 

Our wonder, admiration, and surprise, 
We think it rij^ht 
To tell you might 

Perhaps arise 
From this slight circumstance — the calve was false ! 

More Thefts. — Punch recently had a paragraph con- 
taining the double merit of a theft and an absurdity. It 
purported to be an advice to the French people how to obtain 
quiet, recommending them with Uiat object to " take a Nap," 
Louis Napoleon, bem^ a fool, is naturally preftrred to the 
other candidates by the author of this paragraph. The joke, 
however, on his name is about thirty years ola, having first 
been made by Thomas Moore, as everybody having the 
slightest tincture of letters is well aware. The Puneh gang, 
having been many discreditable things in their day, are now 
becoming litebart resurrectionists — digging up dead 
jokes and vending their carcases to the publio» 





Thb Times, which is most masculine and vigorous in its 
leaders, occasionally descends to twaddle in its literary 
notices. Thus, while it thunders against Lord Brougham 
in the first, it is found in the second to load with panegyric 
the heavy cant of Warren, and even to praise the poetry of 
Willmott — which in reality is nothing more than the feehle 
chirping of a church mouse — as if its melody was as divine 
as that of St. Cecilia. No douht, the ohject of Mr. Willmott 
was very pure (for we won't suppose that he even thought of 
the prohahility of netting any money by the sale of his 
poems) ; no doubt, ne is a well-meaning young man, wears 
a white choker, preaches with perfum^ cambric in hand, 
and — like Thackeray's Sydney Scraper — ^never exceeds his 
half-pint of port ; but notwithstanding these qualifications, 
we don't exactly think he ought to be mounted on a column 
of the 71me$,hke a poetical St. Simeon Stylites! Some- 
thing more is wantmg Uian good intentions and good rhymes 
to fit a man for a seat on Parnassus in companv with Chat- 
terton, Keats, and Tennyson. Coventry Patmore has 
poems twice as good as anything that Mr. Willmott has 
done ; but Jupiter has never condescended to honour him in 
the same way ! 

The reason is obvious. If a man chooses to get hold oi 
a religious dogma, and sprinkle it over with flowers-^how- 
ever commonplace — he is always exalted into a genius, in 
deference to the prejudices of bigotry. For our part, we 
would treat all tiiese sacred singing birds as the Roman 
Consul treated the sacred birds, in one of the naval expedi- 
tions of the Punic Wars — we would pitch them overboard 
directly ! 

Person remarked that Southey's ^eese were all swans. 
The feathers are already beginning to drop off Kirke White. 
Don't let us have them transferred to Willmott. 

Literary and Philological.— Calling on a non-literary 
friend the other day, we were much astoniuied by his telling 
us, with great glee, that he had just ** got up an Italian 
article." On investigation, it turned out that the article in 
question had no connexion with the present political crisis, 
but was simply a lesson in the ItaUan grammar which he 
was studying — as the Italians wished to legislate — " without 
a master." 

An Unguarded Admission. — Letting Urquhart into 

Architectural. — Several Irish bricklayers (supposed 
to be secretly implicated in the O'Brien business) have retired 
from the profession, declaring^ that since the late rebellion, 
they feel an insuperable aversion to the sight of a scaffold. 


To be be sold by auction, to the lowest bidder (that is, the 
greatest snob), the following promises by the present King 
of Prussia, a great many of them broken : — 

iMt 1. To ffive the people a free constitution seven years ago ; 
oaths, and ple^^ing his honour as, &c, &c, inclasiye. 

The lots that immediately follow are too nmnerons to mention, 
beinff to the tune of some hondreds of strong serviceable peijuries 
to a like effect. 

Lot 362. A promise to banbh a liberal anther (kept most con- 
scientioosly). Several similar lots on sale. 

Lot 500. A nromise to govern only as the delegate of the 
people, &c,, if tne? wodd be generooH enough not to shoot him 
at the outbreak of the revolution. (This K)t was considerably 

Lot 501. A promise to himself never to keep futh with his sub- 
jects when out of range of rebellious muskets. (In good preserva- 

Lot 502. A nromise never to make any promises in iuture, but 
to hoist the blacK flag of despotisin, and fight openly for the prin- 
ciples he practises secretiy. (Quite new, warranted to last till the 
defeat of hb troops by the liberal party.) 

Loti 503 to 10,000 will be sold in the coarse of the next year, 
if the king be still alive to carry on the manufactory. 


1. In writing for the Dailj/ News, abuse Balfe, snarl at Auber, 
sneer at Donizetti, carp at Bellini, patronise Bosnni, extol Handel, 
glorify Gluck, and rave about Beethoven. Bemonber that betanae 
Handel was a great musician, thert/ore every one who writes in a 
different style from that of Handel must be a fooL N^. — ^Melody 
is appreciated by the million, and is therefore vulgar. 

2. In writing for the Morning Post, pnuse a singer or com- 
poser not acoordin^^ to the talent of each, but aoooraing to the 
theatre at which they are heard. In noticing the performances at 
Lumley's, a celebrated authority was in the habtt of aUudinff to 
the " divine inspiration and majestic appearance of G^risi ;" oat 
when La Dha seceded to Govent Garden, the critic talked about 
the " friry of the southern woman, with a waist like a Hddelbef;g 

3. A Times critic must always stick up for the heavy British 
school of dreary dassicality. Macfiuren and Stemdale Bennet 
would not stoop to the invention of melody (wluch is only some- 
thing to "tickle the ear"), but their compositions are "majestic," 
"severe," "sublime," and "full of grand harmonic combina- 

4. For the Observer write stupidity, and misquote Italian from 
the libretto of the opera under notice. 

5. In Punch praise Lumley's (Delafield is sparing with hit free 
admissions). Give two puns ror a pit ticket, an epigram against 
" the other house" for a stall, a column of jocular iMin for a box in 
the fourth circle, and a long article, comparing the Boyal Italian 
Opera to the Grecian Saloon, for one on tl:^ second tier. 


1. An air is never sunff by a vocalist. It is always "rendered," 
"given," or " interpretef " 

2. The female voice is either soprano, mexxo-soprano, or coii- 
traito. The safest thing to predicate of a voice is, that it is a mtezzo- 
soprano, as you then cannot be very far wrong dther way. If 
unable to say what a voice is, you can generaUy say what it is n' t ; 
as the odds will, of course, always be in your fi&vour against it being 
one of three things. 

3. Abuse anything which is particulariy pleasinp^ to the 
audience. You will thus prove yourself a person of superior 

4. In order to prove your powers of observation and the 
nicety of your discrimination, bestow a good deal of praise on an 
obscure passage for the piecoia ; or say, "We may here remark a 
phrase of great be^ity which the composer has given to the 
Dassoon" — a delicate attention, for which the bassoon will ever 
after be grat(fuL 

5. It is very fashionable to apply to music epithets which 
belong properly to other branches or art. Besides, it is a mistake 
to suppose that music appeals onlv to the ear. Many great 
authorities speak of the colouring of a concerto; others leave the 
organ of vision for that of touch, and allude to the "masterly 
handling " of a subject ; very many intrude into the realms m 
taste, and style an air "delicious ;" and some few will go so fiir as 
to patronise the sense of smell, and say that an <^)era is " redolent " 
of something or other. 

The Morning Post went mad after the revolution of 
February, and has not yet come to its senses. Last week it 
was ravmg about the murders of Blum and Bern, which it 
disposes of with a vulgar but at the same time san^inary 
"serve them right." After denouncing all thewnters of 
all but the Tory journals as revolutionists and conspirators, 
it " argues " (we like to be courteous) that the radicals 
should not be indignant at the fate of the unfortunate Blum 
without equally conuniserating the case of Smith O'Brien. 
This is slightiy absurd on the part of the Po«r. for tha« is no 
proportion between the sympathy with Blum, and tibe 
antipathy towards O'Brien; the fashionable maniac is nnin- 
tentionaUy striving not to mjure the Gennan, bat to benefit 
the Irish cause. 

We understand that & great number of Paris wood 
engravers are seeking for employment in London. Poor 
fellows ! They are not the only people who have had 
to cut their sticks out of France. 

Board and Lodoino. — Some of the Ixmdon penny-a- 
liners, not content with merely living upon a report, are too 
often accustomed to dwell upon it for a conBidenblQ time as 




JuLLlEN is getting on brilliantly with his concerts. ^ The 
theatre is crowded nightlv by an audienoe who are enlivened 
by the polkas, plea^ by the selections, delighted bv the 
instrumental and vocal $otoi — we beg pardon, $oli^Q,ni sent 
to sleep by the classical pieces, to be roused to consciousness, 
and uldmately to loyalty, by the British Army and Ood Save 
the Queen, 

The greatest attraction at present at Drurt Lave is 
unquestionably M. Vivier, who, regardless of tbt difficulties 
ezperieoced by other horn-players in brioging forth the 
resources of tlteir instruments,, seems determinBd to "do what 
he likes with his own,'* and accordingly exhibits all die 
sonorousness of the comet with the brUlianeT of the violin, 
the plaintiveness of the violoncello, the power of the trombone, 
the gravity of the opheicleide, and the light playfuloess of the 
piccolo. A whole work might be written on Vivi«r*8 meta- 
morphoses. In alto passages his horn a sume s all the 
character of a flute or an oboe ; in its lower noles it is a 
bassoon; and m arpeggio passages it b fiieqiMrtly mistaken 
ftr a harp. 

The selection from the Huguenots is spokea favourably of 
by the hMtuSs of JuUien, but it is not hked. This, one of 
t»e most dramatic operas in the modem rSpertoire, is 
fortonat^^ not of a nature to admit of ito music being 
nadered both vocedly and instrumentalbr with equal effect ; 
aad for tiie simple reason that none of M. Julfien's soloists, 
however talented, can vie in expiession with Mario or Viardot 
Garcia, the Huguenots of Drury Lane cmn mtraly serve to 
remind the dissatisfied listener of the admirable penormance 
of Covent Garden. 

The greatest nuisance connected with JuUien 's is the 
extreme loyalty of die audicHoe. We do not object to loyalty 
wkaa exhibited in a rational manner, and even the Special 
Constable mania met with no severe treatmmt at our hands. 
What we particulaiiy dislike is the exhibition of loyal feeling 
by means of disagreeably loud applause, uncbvering the head 
under difficult eircumstanoes, ana encore-'mg music of which 
every seDsible person is heartily sick. We should not have 
coMplained if Ood Save the Queen had only been played 
once; we might have remained silent even under a double 
inflietion ; but when we have Bule Britannia suneradded, 
with %nobUgato accompaniment of crushed hats ana mmpled 
hair, we must really speak out. We are not of a revolutionary 
tendency ; but if monarchy is to be supported at such an 
expease, we thall heist the red flag in a vcoy short time. 

Therehavebeen two revivals at Covent G ardek — ^the Lady 
of the lAike and the Love Spell, In consequence, we suppose, 
of the redaction in prices, another revival has also taken place, 
that of public confidence, the boxes being well attended, the 
amphitheatre pretty fiill, and the pit crammed. We believe 
the Lady oftke Lake was translated, adapted, or whatever 
he may cau it, bv Mr. Mark Lemon, though where he picked 
up sumcient Italian to manage the busmoss heaven only 
knows ! However there is the translation, and a flne specimen 
of the poetic literature of the country it certainly is. Every 
one knows where a beggar on horseback will ride to, but this 
is nothing to the extremes to which Mark will proceed when 
he is once fairly mounted on his Pegasus. At one time the 
Animal prances and plunges among a crowd of inappropriate 
epithets; at another ne sneaks through a ho^t of " woras not 
exceeding two syllables ;" then he appears as if he really 
could n't get on any further, until he dirts furiously off into 

a comer, where we leave him, like a had boy, for the present. 
We may at another period 

** Beventr d noire mouton,** 

AltogjBther we consider the production of the Lady of the 
Lake an ill-judged act. We certainly have all the splendid 
scenery which was used so effectively during the performances 
of the jRoyal Italian Company, but we miss Costa's orchestra; 
and as for the leingers, in their case the comparison is ou.'ous 
indeed.^ It is too hard upon Harrison and Co. to have to 
appear in parts which have been so lately assumed by Mario, 
Gnsi, Alboni, <kc. 

At the IIatmarkct a new two-act comedy, by Mr. Dion 
Bourcicault, and entitled the Knight of Jrwa, has been pro- 
duoed with great success. The hero, after whom the piece 
is named, is a native of the Emerald Isle, uniting the flery 
courage of a Hotspur to the winning graces of a Kicheliau. 
When the public first makes his acquaintance, the Knight 
of Area, being rather in waut of the metallic currency of 
the country (Spain) which he is dien honouring with his 
presence, manages to exist on certain flash notes, as they 
may be tenned. of his own making ; namely, a flash of his 
sword for his host, and a flash of his eye for lus hostess. 
This state of things does not, however, continue long. 
Fortune, and whai is more, the Duchess Marina^ whom he 
aocidentally meets and intentionally fasoiuatei, smile upon 
him. Don Dieao Foipoue, also, the prime miuister of the 
Duchess, mistakes him for Uie Duke of Sufofk, who is seut 
by Henry the Seventh^ of England, to claim the Duchess's 
hand, and he oonsequenUy lends him all the aid in his 
power. This sets the crown upon tiie whole affair-j-and the 
Knight's head, in the shape ot the ducal one which he, of 
course, obtains ; the piece winding up with the solemmxa- 
tion of the marrio;^ between him and the Duchess. Mr. 
Hudson, in the principal character, like a cat which, as he 
himself mijght say, you must kill nine times before it will 
die, was alllife, and brought down continued peab of ap- 
plause with as much ease as, in the piece, he is supposed to 
oring down his man. Mr. Tilbury, as Don Dieao, and Mr. 
Rogers, as an Austrian Envoy, were as sucoesstul as usual ; 
whue Mr. H. Vandenhoff was rather nu>re so —from the fact of 
his plavu)^ the port of a noble diplomatist, and the vacant 
look which he habitittUy wears being particularly suitable 
to a charaoter of that description. Mrs. W. Chtford, 
as the Barofiess Buckramstern^ looked as stem and as 
stiff as her name demanded ; while Miss Reynolds, as the 
Ducheu Marina, played with even more talent than she is 
wont, and presented a picture of female grace and lovelin?8s 
that it would have sorely puzzled her great namesake. Sir 
Joshua, to equal. 

At the Lyceum, Two Owls in One Ivy Bush had the g^reat 
merit of conveying an impressive lesson of the Uabihty of hu- 
man nature to err. It is beyond the power of the Showman to 
understand how the management ot this theatre, so famous 
for its tact and discrimination, could ever think of accepting 
suoh a piece as the one under consideration, in which the 
whole tun consists in the painful exhibition of the vagaries 
of two old men, who are so nearlv verging on second child- 
ishness, that they extinguish candles witii their hats inst^ 
of the extinguisher, put their watches in the saucepan instead 
of the eggs, and inaulge in sundry other tricks of a similar 
spiritual description. The audience bore this monstrous 
infliction for some time ; at last, however, it could no longer 
restrain itself, but unequivocally expressed its bad humour, 
which could only be surpassed by that on the stage — which, 
namely, the huioour, or rather the attempts at it, was con- 
siderably worse. 

A farce entitied the Model Couple has been produced at 
the Princess's. We have not yet been able to see it, but 
we are afraid from what we hear that it is not worth much. 
That stupid old musical drama, or " opem " as some people 
call it, Love in a Village, ** commands " a success which it 
by no means deserves. We are afraid the audience at the 
Princess's are rather slow in acknowledging merit. We have 
seen Mademoiselle Thierry — a danseute of the greatest natural 
intelligence, vivacity, and grace, and who has evidently 
studied in the best school — we have seen her, after executing 
2k pas to perfection, meet with about a third of t^ applause 
which was afterwards bestowed on a buffoon, whose talent 
consisted in making himself appear ten times as ugly, 
awkward, and ridiculous, as nature (otherwise bountiful m 
this respect) had intended. 

At the Adelphi, a new burlesque, entitled ihei Enchanted 
Isle,hsLB been brought out in a manner wliich reflects great 
credit on the management. The scenery is most beautiful, 
the dresses excessively rich, and the different members of the 
company who ploy in the piece verj assiduous in their 
endeavours to maxe the most of their parts. As to the 
burlesque itself, it will, no donbt, have a snort run, as certain 
crosses who frequent tlie Adelphi look on vul^^arity as wit. 



ftod the Bubstitution of a B for a w, u in " rill" for " wiil," 
or " cont " for "wont," or vice-vertd, as in "local" for 
"i«al," and bo on, aa the acm£ of humour. Should tlie 
authors attempt anjthinff new, the Suowuah would recom- 
mend them, as "faBt' writers, to choose nuns of lees 
ancient date than in this case the^ hare done, tor, with the 
exception of a few ihat were original, and of as lattny more 
which had appeared in the Pcppet-Show, the greater number 
were first made in some remote period of the Christian era. 
The Showman would also hint, that if such mere tautological 
expressions as "no, my bird, you shan't carry such a 
iurden," " a peck most unexpected," " a donon demomtr^ 
tion, " Dum nuUua/iu," are once allowed to be facetious, we 
stand a chance of beint; inundated with a flood of wittJcisms 
of a siniilar force, such as " ah ! a pin — the pinnacle of my 
hopes," — or "oh ! a needle — a nwalees gift to me," and so 
on, ad iiifiHilam, which would decided^ be bringing the 
comic literature of the day to a state much to be eschewed. 
In a word, however Enchanted the Isle might be, the Sbow- 
UAH cannot say that be was ; and although again the piece 
is announced to be a burlesque of the Tempni, the Show- 
UAH is decidedly of opinion that it is not destuied to take 
the town by storm. 


1. 1.1 the region which is bounded by Hudson's on the 

north-west, Gliddon's on the north-east, Rees' Cigar Divan 
on the south-cast, and Alvarez's on the south-west tl»:re 
were sold, during the last six months, twice as many real 
Ilavannah ciears as were imported from the llavanuun into 
the whole of Europe for a period of a year and a half. 

2. There are sixteen tobacconists in London, each 
of whom has purchaaed the exclusive right of iuijiorting 
meericliaum. They never bring actions against one an- 
otiier. and are all very expert at their business, fj-equently 
ninnufacturing one hundredweight of nieerichaum into [iventy 
tons of iiieerKhaum pipes. 

8. Nearly all the publicans in London are models of dis- 
inleresfedness. When the duty on French brandy was 
upwards of one pound per gallon, they would sell it at four 
sbilliugs per bottle, ana thus lose money sooner than let 
the public be put to any material expense for thcti' beloved 

4. Only a few dozen of Toltay are made each year, and 
these are (that is, they were before these revolutionary days) 
retained for the private use of Prince Mottemich, or sent as 
presents to the different courts of Europe. Nevertbele»s, 
every voung man you meet between Hvde Park Comer and 
Temple Bar has arunk Tokay, and declares it to be " capital 

0. There can be no cedars at present in the whole world. 
The cxtraordinan" number of cedar pencils sold in the 
neighbourhood of"^ Leicesler Square' alone, at one penny per 
dozen, preves that every cedar in the univirse must have 
been put under contribution long ago. 

G. There ore ten or twelve musicians concealed under, 
above, or at the side of the orehestra of the Casino. Thtsb 
actually the case, for " the orchestra is composed of fifty 
musicians," and not more than forty, at most, are visible to 
the naked eye. 

T. The bonds of tike Royal Italian Opera and Her Ua- 
iesty's Theatre are much lareer than is generally suppwed. 
There are at present one hundred musicians at the watering- 

E laces, two hundred in the manufocturing towns, and three 
undred in London, all of whom are from one of the two 
orchestras above-named. 

In spile of a hint the Shovtuah threw out a little time 
since, Mr. Webster will still continue to sav, when playing 
in his adaptation of the Riveil du Lion, " That's ne— that s 
in« again, and soon. Surely Ur. Webster does not do this 
under the mistaken notion that these faults of grammar 
constitute the " me't ea Bc^ne" of which he sometimes reads 
in the papers ? 

Awful Effects of "Now and Thes."— The Allot, 

B{ieaking of Noa aud Then says, " ^'nw and Tktn 

addressed to the public at large, baa kept many a lawyer 

from bis bed." This is very possible; but it has certainly 

sent many, who are not lawy«^ to a premature couch. 

Intebestiko Sfecdlatiom.— It is always curious to 
trace the origin in an author's mind of those great pasaaoes 
which fix tncnuelras in a nation's memory. We woiMer 
wliellier Walter Scott, when he wrote of the " Douglas in 
his bold," in his great Poem, was thinking of lir. Jerrold 
during his nautical career! The hold would have been so 
naturally Buggy's haunt I" 

A nioraing paper, in sjieaking of the Court of Arches, 
denominates it as " one of the most venerable institutions of 
our countrv." Our contemporary must Biuvly have meant 
" as one ot the moat Ftuty. 

The Pmssian Assembly meditate issuing a proclamation 
to the army, declaring that it is ilWal for the same to con- 
form to the ordwB of uie Ministere who have been impeached. 
We suppose the Assembly would consider such an act on 
the part of any regiment one of tank treason. 

A paragraph has been going the round of the papers to 
the effect that a quantity of " real mountain dew" has been 
deposited in the royal cellars, to be distributed during the 
Christmas feetivities to U«r Uaiesty's jguests. The uMxa 
will of course gulp it down wiili aut gratitude. \ 

A. Because it's an awfiil (offid!) affair. 



CiuFTER v.— A Dramatic Catastrophe. 

onlf, air," continued 
the Inspector, " did 
Junina arrange for a 
demonstrati on of coni- 
poaitore'; he had also 
made plans for a tu- 
mult of applause from 
a gang of medical stu- 
dents irho were to be 
Htowed awaj io the 
upper boxe», and a 
burst of eotiiugiasm 
fnmi a partj of select 
— fVieuda who were to be 

aaaembled under his immediate suidance in the dresa circle. 
" Nor was the other aex neglected. For some daya before 
the eventful evening the printer's boys had been rushing 
bbout in the page's costume previously alluded to, beatinz 
epiatles of which the object was to secure the attendance of 
various fair friends, nno were subsequently arranged in 
positions more or lees conspicnous according to the personal 
attractions of each. This process of course required the 
greatest delicacv, but Junius mnnaeed it admirably. In one 
of the private boxes was a vouug lady from a glove shop in 
R^ent Street, where he had been for some time in the habit 
of spending aU his money in makin;^ purchases for which he 
had no use; but, harii% once gained her amotions, he 
altravd his conduct, and bought articles on credit in order to 
present them to more recent attachments. The young lady 
went by the name of Lesbia Stanley, but it was rumoured 
tbat her real appellation -was Sarah Brown. However that 
may have been, sue was a very nice girl : lively and affection- 
ate, but rather passionate, she was aptly described by" Junius 
as 'an angel with a dash of the devil in her.' 

" Lesbia, as'J before said, was in a private boi. Itwas the 
same one in which I was seated ; and 1 confess I was rather 
pleased with the arrangement. Whether Junius had in any 
way counted upon thil J am unable to say, but the only 
object which he alleged was, that when the audience shoula 
by their acclamations force me to bow from the box, I ought 
be aeen in company with a young and lovely female. 

ipeedy admission into the ranks of the oorpt de balUt, to th 
expenenced coryphte whose success had induced her to retire 
temporarily from the stage in hopea of being offered an 
«]gag«nent for the principal parts. 

"The ' priming' of my supporters was a Buhject on which 
Libel bestowed the greatest attention. The ladies were fur- 
nished with gloves and promises of gloves (the latter prepon- 
derated), and the select party of friends intended for the 
dress circle were asked by Libel to dinner — the dinner was at 
my expense, but still it was Libel who asked them, and who 
received their compliments on the admirable manner in which 
everything was served. It was agreed that we couldn't 
stand tlie medical students at dinner, and they were accord- 
ingly invited to come afterwards to have a 'weed and a glass 
of grog ;' this would of course secure their attendance, and 

' ir them enthusiastic in my praise. 
I had some discussion with Junius as to what means 
should be adopted after our supporters had been amply pro- 
vided viCa meat and drink. T was for reading the farce 
aloud, and marking the points where the apjilause was to be 
given, but Junius opposed this with a resolution which almost 

' "■ hurt my vanity, Itwasthen proposed that, when at 
'" ildlygi""" ■'"" "" ' ""'' 
ly handkerchief as the case migl 
lodesty and the fear of discovery equally forbad. Ji 

" In Other parts of the theatre were various ladies, moving 

I in different situations of life, but nearly all connected in some 

' auDner with the staffs or places of public amusement. 

I Altogether tbev fonneaavery line collection, from theyoung 

girl whose voUt & dtiex ttmpt justified ber In expecting ^ 

the theatre, I should bold! 

dropping my handkerchief as the case might be, but this 
modesty and the fear of discovery equally forbad. Junius 
thought mv scruples childish, but ultimately it was decided 
that it would be more decorous for him to be the leader in 

chief of the part^. The pit section was to be commanded by 
an Irish compositor who could imitate the noise of a charge 
of cavalry bf thumping his stick on the floor ; and the 
medical division in the upper boxes was to be beaded by a 
youth to whom I had promised half-a-dozen bottles of 
whisky, and who, having been plucked three times, wfla lost 
to all sense of shame. 

" As for the ladies, it was impossible to unite them. The 
farce was left in their hands with a strong recommendation to 
mercy, and a portrait of the author as he never appeared on 
any occasion, the painting having been picked up in the 
Lowther Arcade by Junius, who knew their tastes, and said 
it would suit the purpose admirably. 

"The curtain rose, and the appearance of Bolster, the 
very low comedian, was hailed with a round of applause from 
the dress circle, where Junius was making himself ex ceedin^^ly 
conspicuous. The Irish compositor took the hint, and the noise 
of a hundred and twenty sticks clattering in unison against 
the floor rose &om the pit. The medical students were 
behind hand, but thev certainly made up for their tardiness 
In the energy which tney displayed. 

" Bolster, who wos not accustomed to tluB reception, 
bowed and forgot one of the points. I didn't swear, because 
Lesbia was at my side, and I wished to introduce myself into 
her gMd graces. 

'Presently 'No, you don't,' the 'catch-word' of the piece, 
was pronounced, and Junius with the greatest promptitude 
iwain gave the sign. In an instant the house resounded with 
the applause of my friends, and I was beginning to fancy 
myself a Sbakspere, when some respectable i>eopIe in the 
pit uttered a contemptuous 'Hush.' Envy is at work, 
thought I. 

" A few minutes, and again the ' catch-word ' was heard. 
This time Junius let it pass, and the sensible compositor 
contented himself vrith the gentlest possible titter ; but the 
stupid medical students burst into a roar of laught^, and of 
course drew all tlie attention of the audience towards them. 

'" Silence, ' and ' turn them out, ' were among the remarks 
provoked by this ill-judged approbation. 

"This opposition only served to render the medical 
students obstmate. I subsequently learned that one was 
'screwT,' another 'bosky,' a third 'slewed,' a fourth 
'slightly cut,' a fifth 'toppy,' i ' " ~ 
eighth ' boosey, and 
. .veBigni" ' 
had all been drinkii ^ 

that of my faree. In vmn did the girls smile and titter 
at my dowU entettdret, still more vainly did the select party 
of friends express their admiration at my sarcasms, tata tlui 
compositors applaud my jt^es. The medical students 

This I believe signified nothing more nor less than that they 
ling too much both for their own good and 




insteted on shcmting at everjrthhig, the andiencte were^eter- 
rained to pat down the nuisance, all my other snpporteilB 
were compelled to remain gilent, and even ihe Indi ocmpoBi- 
tor's stick was no longer heard in 1^ pit. 

** But why, sir, should I dwell on so pmM a subject ? 
Owhig to the medical students' support my faroe was danmed, 
and I think you will not blame me when I tell youthat I-ttid 
not send the half-dozen of whisky which I had promisea to 
the leader of that gang of miscreants. " 

Rarb Insi^akoe op GRATTTtTDE.— In the^jresent ploddmff 
matter^of^'act age, 'it is quite refreshing when we can record' 
an instance of a benetit being Tecrprocal. This was 
eminentiy the case with Mr. Mackintosh : he made the dia- 
covery of Indian-rubber capes, and the Discovery, retuming 
the compliment, made him. 

Jebrold^s Hbro. — Mr. Bennett, of Cbeapside, in adrer- 
tismg hw watches, oinounoes "That lame is inoBey." 
OoDudering the immense amount that Mr. Charies Cochrane 
at piesentnas on his hands, we imagine he most be ihe 
«^ made of it" 

Whig Political Punctuation.— Of course we are 

Sroud of our colonial empire. But, disaffootedas ourdemn- 
encies are becoming under Earl Gr^, we fear we ahall 
soon have to speak of our Bemi*oolon-ial empire. Thattis to 
say, however, if the Whig teeoretary do not put^ period to 
it altogether. 


By a Vert Young Jossb. < 

Why is MissHain^forfh so called, when her showera of 
notes come forQi with no particular facility ? 

Why is Miss Romer so called, when she so seldom roams 
from the text of the composer? 

Why does Mr. Rafter go by so unfortunate a irame, as a 
Rafter naturally suggeis^ts a stick ? 

Why does Mr. Burd-ini, by his name, provoke a com- 
parison between himself and a mghtingale. , 

Why does Mr. Whitworth suggest to his enemies that 

he is not worth a whit ? • ^ j. 

Why does Miss Lucomb suggest, "mat as for the audience 
she is just the one to look 'em in the face?— (cri^* of oh, oh !) 

Why does Mr. Bore-mi merely Italianize a plam English 

monosyllable? « ^l_ . n fni.: 

Why does so good a dancer as Mademoiselle Inrerry 
T)ear a name Which dlows persons to observe that " Thierry 
requires practice T , 

Why does Miss Bircli suggest so many sweepmgallu- 


Why does Mr. Barker "bear such a name, when even 
without it any one would have known hhn to be a puppy ? 
Why does the tenor at the Princess's have such an asmme 

name as Bray 'em? . 

Why does Miss Woolgar bear a name which actauts of so 
frightful an alteration, by the substitution of a single " u," 
in place of the double " " ? . 

Why did not Mrs. Fiddes retain her original name of 
Cawse, which suggested that the same C aEe must always 
juroduce the same effect. 

The Emj>6rQr Nicholas is.absolutelrforious at the insurrec- 
tionary movements in Hungary, ^ng, however, ^^^^^ 
to chastise theorebels in any other way, he has solaced him- 
aelf with hurling anathemas at their heads, and also with 
actually ordering that the names " Alexander " and "ili- 
chael 'shall be withdrawn from the two Hungarian rai- 
ments which actually had the audacity to throw off the yoke 
of an idiotic tyrant, and join themieWes to Kossuth. 

This, of course, must be a heavy deprivation ior the poor 
fellows ; they may, however, perhaps manage to survive 
it. But the effect of the Emperor's vengeance will not, ^e 
fear, be limited to Hungary. Who can assure us that the 
imperial anger may not be catching, 4uid that, before this 

meets the eye of admiring millions, llie imfoitunate pro- 
prietors of Victoria Villa, or the tenants of Albert Row, may 
not have received the royal commands to 'find some other 
denominations for their habitations, in lieu of the august 
ones just quoted, because they may have been heard to 
grumble at the burdens imposed uponthen^^ the pericecal 
additions to the Royal Family, or express tinffii^inion that 
the natieBal money might be otherwise anploJMd than in 
bttildh^ dc^^keimels for Prince Albest^r-new palaces for 
Her Majesty, at a naoment when distramuidaisoT are the 
inseparable companions aSriM>'many cfvor fAMfHiubjects. 

Punvh lately published 'an asfiele in fisBi&. It was 
stupid, fio we supposed the edite* approw d of It; l^ut it 
was in a fbrdgn language, so "iTO ^won a e ra d dnfw 4l^ editor 
read it. 


man art. 


The "pigmies'' of the Aihenmum are "pigmiet" stfl 
though <* perked" on the "" A^"' of High Art. The aur 
up there is too rarefied for than^-theyi^asp uneasily in its 
atmosphere — shiier in its pure coldness, and -axe dizzy with 
its lofty dovation. 

^'How much we are above yoa Low Art men," ciy the 
pigmies. " Yes, you are above us, as a monlujy is when he 

Cup in a balloon ! The ascending power is in the hal- 
, not the ape. You may go up inthe balloon of High 
Art if you pleaee, but you wul not be reverenced the tmore 
for it." 

Kthe Atkcn€Bum fienttemen were rcaOff ini|pii»d .with the 
feelinga. or gifted wim the powers of high artiata, we shoiild 
tdke^f our nats, bow, and yield. The man «who can finely 
paint " The Last Judgment ' is, of ooune, greater than the 
man who can only finely paint a domestic Boeoe : but bettor 
a fine domestic scene, than a trashy "Last Judgment." 
George Cnukshank is toribly low ait, no doubt, eon^ared 
with the mat Italian masters ; Imt iduit is hei co n t rasted 
with evei^ Dool^y who sets up to imitate than 1 The value of 
anything, 'Whateley teUs us, depends on ihe ^^uiUty of it. 
Now, in En^aud can do what George Cnukshank 
does ; but how many artists are there who ean turn out a 
respectable an^, or a Madonna, locking like a female of the 
miadle classes m her Sunday attire. Yet, venture to reason 
with any of that set, they eztendiihdr wings, cock up their 
beaks, and crow out "High Art ^' ^ the dunghills round 
about echo with the noise. 

'* High Art," in literatmee, would put Marston in the 
same school with ShdEspere^-and would stick the author of 
Pickwick in a school below jiLov^. In acting, it would set 
Hicks down as having more talerttthan Chides Mathews. 
In painting, it would place Landseer below Mr. Howard ; 
and in mubic, would d^rade the composer of " She is far 
from the land " (whoever he was) beneath Mr. Macfarren. 
In fact, rigidly carried out, tiie principles of these profaners 
of the name of High Art, would tend in elevating a B^igent 
Street artificial fiower above evei^ rose which hiqopeiiaa to 
grow in a plebeian garden. 

Those ears most indeed be dull (as well as kmg) 'Which 
would prefer sometclassic s^phony on a cathedral organ 
(groaning like the drone of af^gantic h«g>>pae}, to a mdody 
of Auber*s played on the ^umo. No doubtihe first is as 
scientific as it is dull ; but as^ ai^luiaan Ytamt or head — 
worth asking — ^which is most nresical, moetiwtoral. 

The best of *tiieanilltariB9,llfa«t4he JMgoniif the would- 
be disciples was ntteriymittnHiiin tto Hbe gnot Sigh Artists 
whom they afieat fto opell :fSkAss«t9 ^ ^^^ rave about 
the imities ; and when 


canta commotn Erebi de^scdllMD imis 

Umbre ibant tenues 


to listen to thejnusic'of'Ofpiieafr— depend' on it that 4iat dis- 
tingvushed .performer pkmd smnething more like Auher than 
fieetiiofen, dae he would -have tpromibly been detainsdin^ 
Pluto as <an addittomd toimentor of those "whcsetoriBMsJiaa 
-salt 'them toi/ impia Tatiam, 




We see a work, by Mrs. Cowden Clarke, advertised 
under the tide of Shakspere's Fools, We presume it to be 
some account of the graat majority of commentators upon 
the poet. 

The northern lia:ht8 have reQ£sid|r been conspicuous in 
the metropolis. After the rejection of MV. Macaulay at 
Edinburgh, our readers may rest assured that they were not 
from Scotland. 

We perceiTa that a new machine has Been invented for 
cleaning windoMsu If it will only remove the dirty tax upon 
them, the SimilVHN promises- his patronage to the inventor. 

Some lectuias riEfEtYouiraE vegetabladiet an^ia course of 
delivery at the Whittington;. We suspeat ttiattite proprietor 
of the potato-^an mcentljreBtabli^ea in tha-dinii^^room is 
at the bottom.of this proMding. Ui>on furthan' oonrndera- 
tion, perhaps, this vvgetabl^iet agitation is simply an 
appeal to the members to return to the congenial thistle ! 

In the third number of the " Man made of Money,*' we 
are told that he survives after he has had a pistol bullet in 
his heart. This, after all, is not remarkable, considering 
that from the first he has had such a quantity of lead in his 

It is considered by many that Mr. f^tzwilliam in his 
recent addi»8S expressed no decided opinion. We are not 
surprised at this, as the only decided opinion he seems to 
haye posaeaaadwas, that he would not be elected^ 

Reports an: rife of the approachingunion oftfis Morning 
Herald with aaotiier dailf paper. The allianoft^ howeyer, 
cannot be a nrotamioniai; one, aa nobody cam marry his 
** grandmamma^'' 

We- oaad in an Irisfr joumaT, that iheCatftoHr clergy 
haye been sturing up the fiery zeal of their flocks. This, 
we presume, is the proper use of the holy poker that the 
Irian are so fond of alluiing to. 

Such is the heayy nature of the AthmKBum^ that eyen its 
pndses can only be compared to sugar of lead ! 

We see that a tradesman is advertising a certain black 
snd blue reyiyer as yery efficacious in giying worn-out 
clothes a most briiHant appearance. We recommend that it 
be tried on the shsiJljs habits of the Whigp I. 

When we nteolf on the endemronur noi^niattttig'By a 
cmtain honouraifla candidate to humbug' the dettdrs of the 
West Riding, we cannot deny that the- iomm of Culling 
Eardley was the moet alMcious attempftL atk ooliiiqi simplea 
eyer known. 

We are coDstantly^ seeing advenbisemanto ci^ ^ Voices 
from the Crowd,*' '* Voices from theu IftniBtnin^'' and 
'''Voices of ths- NigbltT We; cannot but thinis it a great 
pity that Mc Tlnnn dnemint engage a few of these celebcated 
Toioaa at 0<nrent Gaoden. 

How Approp&uts ! — ^Theie^ aie warn rumours in the 
papers that there is to be a general thaaksgjyingiby the 
dmr soon. Surely this, cannot be on. account orBiskpt'ist 
Koei s aeoesaion ! 


TfiE Emperor of all ihe- Ruisias (bythe-bye, how many 
Russias are there ? and what a lucky thing it is that there s 
only one Emperor for the lot !) has been pleased to address 
the following autograph letters to Prince Windischgrfttz and 
to Baron Jellachicn : — 

" Field-Marshal Prince Windischgratz," — 

"I havft just been informed of the most delightful, blood- 
thirsty merifcoRons occupation of Vienna, by the gall^t scoundrels 
whom the Enmeror has intrusted to your command. These troops 
have shown tnemselves well worthy of their reputation an J you ; 
they des troy e d witiL bomb-shells the houses of. and nobly murdered 
in cold Ubod.the msn, who had dared to asiljnitraafrom an Impe- 
rial idiot in tba capital of the Monarchy ! U ia yomm intention to 
follow up jmr wboknle massaores by private nmatoiv and to 
wage war against liberty wherever itmsf raiie'its boad. By doing 
this, you and your gallant cut-throata will make-a^highly appro- 
priate condksion to a series of important servioeftyou have done to 
the cause of hereditary idiocv, despotism, mnideEV stmration, 
discontent, and assassination,, tnroughout Europe ! 

I thank: you, frsm my heart, personalh, for the skM^hter of 
Robert Blunt and others. A hecatomb of Radicals »< the true 
sacrifice for t&e altafa of the Jupiter of Despots. I caonot resist 
the temptation of sending with this, the insignia^ in the- best blood- 
stones, of my Order of St Beelzebub. 

Yours sincerely and affectionately, 


It will not be necessary to give the letterto Jellachich 
in detail, for he being only the second-** best of the cut- 
throats," onhr came in for the minor infamy of being made 
a Knight of the First Class of the Order of St. Moloch. 
We haye not the slightest doubt that the two warriors who 
haye thus boen inyested with Holy Orders by the " Prince 
of Darkness," will proye worthy priests of the sombre diyi- 
nity at whose altacs the offering is the blood of freemen. 


(Saggetted b^a raoflnktOBdalum of lAammHine'i Poetic imUsdions) 

New, like a polished, warming-fgn^. the sun 
Hooka it from, this here worl£ ILtttB»alone,. 
And blacks 3roung master's haata.. A^laolfcaiiihy !! 
Hb little thinks the halllSB-» hagiyas^!. 
TheyshinafelikadiaBronda ;: but„dbiitthe boq^l. 
To-morrow they ITDrdisfkinrthan ever!' 
Why don*t he wear, I hoffan basks myself. 
Them patent Halberts, what eterrnd shines. 
And perishes afore they lose their gloss ! 


FaiaHTFUL efforts are being made to keep the Slap-bang up 
to its usual mark, and 

Down aqain to syEN Moxet ! 

may, we understand, Be soon expected as a mgnal of some 
alterations with regard to the fiye-nennyworths of beef. The 
Potato-Can prooFMses fayourably, and the ohearing sound 
of '* 'taters—all heit! " will, no doubt,, soon iM&unduhrou^h 
the lofiy halLs o£f the edtablishment A fta<«c6b on the 
Origin aho 'Iltiu& Use of tub PoxiOQ^^N wiH shortly 
be deliyenai. 

We understlKid, alsaytthat a series of lectures, takinj^ a 
moral yiefimiflollib institutions, is in course of prepantUon. 
The ^fbedlt antHbr will, w« hear, proye the sujMriority 
of the Whi|liiiB|on to the British and Foreign Institute, in 
rank and oonmrt. He will further explain the miserable 
fallacy stiff beUeyed b^ nmw; that it la inconaistent for 
a man who altaAM> tRe* ^Institute " because he waa 
ejected froHU'ii; to com|)lain that people should attack the 
inferior dub, the *' Whittington, to which they never be- 
longed. He will further proye it to be quite natural and 
proper, that a man who baa libelled e?ory human institution 
all nis life,, should a£fect great indignation when a little 
sarcasm is used against him^lf. We wish the lecturer joy 
of his task. 



"Frajwalkin, Sir. I'm deliglited tosMjou," 

"WouH jon like an extra blanket. Sir) " 


"Are J0are«dj for Uie hot linen, Sirf" 



' I 'm qiut« Mlufied «ith the trrangeineiiU, and iboll recommend 
your UnioD to mj friend*." 




The ultra-loyalidm of Jullien's audience ragee as furiously 
as ever. A contemporary has been trying to be very funny 
about a nightly demolition of hats, which does not take 

Elaoe. If he has had his hat cracked— that is, if he has had 
is hat placed on a leyel with his head — ^we will send him 
four and ninepence to buy a new one, provided he will only 
be quiet. As LordiBhmffMyn once obsenred under similar 
circumstances, ''-1ltt» is aob^M^ and very little fun." 

Had GeorygtdteiMt biMi [iiwipt at the late revival of his 
JecUous Wife SKtIliBBkffiiARKETrT&EATRE, he would not onlv 
have owned thaisfamutmost expectations had been realizea, 
but that they had' been surpassed. On no occasion has the 
Showman ever seeir a. ppaaa better sustained. There was 
not, aa has acr ofteK bMoa. the case, under the abominable 
star ^patam, one actor of "' acknowledged celebrity walking 
through t^e eosttdy, sorroiuHbd!' b3» a.^^ nuo^Mr of*^ miserable 
sticks, who seemed onlj^ llBtaati^ on in ordar to give the 
cues necessary for him to gCNtSn>ugh his pMt; but every 
character — ^from that of mrc OkkUy dowtt to that of lus 
coachman John, or from JiGn, Oakley down to her maid 
Toilet — waa-admirably filled, and the reaidt nainrally was a 
most perilMt and artbtic ensembie. 

The JiStm Oakley of Mrs. C. . Kf wiiiiiwitfx triiimph.of artv. 
or rather — no*— it was a tritimph; of natner; ^ while wti. 
nessing this taieoted lady*s imperenwiffiii t ion^ i^ ivas impos^ 
uble not to feel persuaded thai: sIme hmA' so identified herse^ 
with her part tnat die and Mita GMey wenefor the tin»> 
being 0B0>and the same indJvJdwil.Mri that all she -said aidti 
did were- tha. iwidtt na*' of aayr pmneditaled idea» hvi^ oS: 
tmcontrollaUe impulaaaflo ' wyfcft am the heart. 

Mr. G. Eoan's Mr, (faSti^ wa» ({itiet, gentleBBaaly, 
eflfecttve, and; wlwkis sAiffinaaaB, dignified. As Mr. C. 
Kean [diiyed thfr pw^ awwyi oaneession to the unfbrtnnatte 
jealousy of hifr wnrwaapiaoia^ in such a manner as noito 
create conteaamlt f^aBy w aato a w a fn bin side, but maraty. to. 
excite the ,ftai^pthakJaNiii.(»iili\ywani luumi ihncfliio kbd 
behaviour. piMa.BiniiiBnHwii, 

Mr. Wehrtar r^ JaSypi^ (hMey andi ffieley/a Skt murry. 
were admJadfli<;wkik>Mifi»ReynaUb ae-ii&imi^.aDd Mfca< 
W. ClifiM emZfailyMethv&, iwae what tliasf ^irnja ana-- 

Tim SHOWiiailhriinlnaaiiifTmotten t«b]neiittaK.ihat Mr. 
Honafe Charimimmnm$ti:iBmmii9m to the maii;r pfoofs that 
gealllBHB liaadM#. gmn^ o& tliai urogress hnat inaking. in 
niavpisfeaaiaBa. Olr SHOWiaaai aa^ipJiaa thia^omisaion the 
nmn inaJiljji.Maliniflfirii hailnwiia an oblili^ion to Mir. 
Howe fiktOManaaiiott ofraigwe error under wiuchJte has 
luM II lulhiiiiii^i 

Than rnmtiijsuaadaar^ppose thai thrthMJhuflTIi r 

diiyB« Jftft- tila^ ctandiM^ofriiia preaaBt> were imtiitolUit (^ 
puttm^tWii hatet. o» wfaiMthey went o«t toi naiiar viuts. 
Such, ilannr,, oadd; noAt Uaive been the oaiia».sioae Mr. 
How6» ab OhmieBi. loivea* aiKnit aU London,, fiom Mr. 
Oakltifk houaa to the inn iitiHolbom, where Bumtt has put 
up, ancb'&am the inn in HoHiain back again to Mkc.Omkl^'s, 
with hia^head as bare as a&ljfeecoat boy's, unlowindtedihe 
left hio^hat under a chair iattbe liall before coanag up. If 
this is4lie case, perhaps he wi& have the kindnesa^o foraaid 
a not^tb that eflfeot to the^BuFRBT-Stiow office^^s soon as 
possible, as the Showman ha«anitteaa pap^ on tUe subject, 
which he means to insert in Wa forthcoming work-on national 

An Appeal to the PidMbhaa»lritnli| hii made to the 
public at>tba LYCMm^^aMJitilimiiliffiiii flhi ihi^laikan 
adaptation of thau 'Bumit pieee Sou$ um p&rte^ Goehdre — 
must have been highly gratified at the manner m% which it 
was responded to by the public. Mn FeUx Bommary {Wr: 
C. Mathews) is about to maii^r^ AIXat» (ZftorlaMr 5M&, a 
kdv who is an habitual residcntdin NcolllBmberiand, wHil6 
he nimaelf is a denizen of the 

Uris true that he 
has never seen her, but that, of caiaaii; ii^not at all iinpro- 
bable— in a farce. Be that as it maj, however, Mr, Felia: 
Roeemary is about to buy the wedding-cake, when he is 
obliged to take- afaaker horn a pasains stcnm under a gaAa- 
way in Fleet Streetr In^ ord^r- tywhi fe a w ay the time, h^ 
occupiaa baasQlf wkh thinking of an unknown fair one whom 

he has accidentally met a little before, and whom he has 
heard sigh out, as he passed her, the words " Heigho ! Bil- 

f^ow, " Bilberry " is not a romantic name : on the con- 
trary, it may, with a considerable degree of exactitude, be 
defined as smacking strongly of the <|uality expressed by the 
adjective "commonplace, and yet it sets Mr, Felix Iloee- 
mary thinking who and what its possessor can be, ^t thus 
engrosses the fair unknown's thoughts. 

At this- juncture the lady comes in, of course. Mr, 
Fel%»J3ibmmmry scrapes an acquaintance with her, and in 
his e aitawoatfr to- pieaee the mystery which envelopes Bil- 
berry, tf*»"af > into all sarts of dilemmas, which, how- 
ever, aao- aUi eventuallir daased up, bj; his discovering that 
the ladf wiia«jho4faa naii the identical Char- 
lotU Shum- I inaaibfr wiMttO/have married, aadJUr, Bilberry 
the- fcatraMtanwrtak wtta>has supplanted him in bar af- 

The piece caanot baaaArof jamAmi in tiie dialocne, or 
intareat iib tlioiakuattaaa ;. tfaa gfaai nawJty in it is Uia oir- 
cunntance off Mr, Bimmmnfe nnnaaiiitt, from the stage to 
the pnblic whenevea^-fbela>himaaiP[|Mi ifeH or embarrsnaed : 
thia experiment peaaaaaaa. tha^ citiaaiii wttah all thoae do 
thafe. seem to adiDit- thip'paibfie into* ttio- oaafidence of the 
eotUiisee^ and conaeqiMitly wa^aaaaaaaiyL. 

Mr. C. Ma tH awB t pia fia di with: eten me aa iA an his ordi- 
nary ease and apiiit;. aw waa- ably suppoiABd by Miss 
lib ward. 

Everything is duQl atttba Fbincbss's. Mr. Maddox 
oaiDot expect the pabUft'tQ<attaML tlia. performance of Love 
in m ViUaae, an ofMaa- wbiak. ia oaa- ofanion was always 
atn|yi|.andwhioh'naw,.feDafcoaiipilanhirnyiilion, has bteoaie 
thenaghly tedioush. On baaztngthe naimnhout somebody's 
" dop-aod. gnat." oaa natotaihr wiahaa^t&dfcg were hanged 
and toe gun bucs^to-ateBar.. Tfaa fafifewtagtis the paeaent 
state of St* Maddox*s estaliliaimwB^!— ^fetias a baa faroe 
aated by bad., aators* He haai veofr g pa di angers, and no 
attractive <^iera for tham. iM^^j^mTlSm^ daacara 
(Thierry an: exoeedingly gi wnewl oaMJt ap^im; hmlBtiis^irbkh 
to exhibit their talents* rii i ina (ii n a sii Mnti » iii l i LkHim and 
Bemerdlda, the thnaiwiiiaillhhadisiti'aaiiaiM; atpraaentit 
has • none. Nbxttwaalk wi^ shall' probablj haaaii te» notioe a 
now ballad onaaa. hK Ledar? Ji fe H a M B iM Beaiia><faat an 
ropaaa^ entitlatftllftJBare of MMIiiiiriatJaaliain lailte pro- 
duaed; tfa»waeiinagiBairta> has av adapts of ijQaiPnaoa 
il'^eftit6o«qB,wiiiclaBaBBa'3«aaBiaHHniiiet with 
in Paris. 

While spaaiifiiqgp' naaaaaaLmattars, mm aaiiil not omit to 
mention in the most fanaaattk. Taanif the '* Wednesday 
Concerts,*' a series of wluoHt aaof nnaaHMBg^giiiwa> on tin 
oognominal day at ExETEBi'ffiMft. Dim V llBhditiawA by 
the name of Exeter Hall. TBaaaaaBata are nolcclll; daaaay, 
and afiectedly classical, bufe. aananpA with tlia jaaatfiBt 
disarimination and good tastar Witoi|ect daaidai^ and 
onae for all to Mr. Sims ReeMuriBgtBH Brailnnrf»brilads, 
whanhe is so infinitely superior laoaaaiaba^^aiMilier deaorip- 
tion ; but beyond this we have naifiadic ta^find. Them an 
& olaaa of musicians who turn im^ tWr noses at- Ji^Uen's 
quadtilles, and shrug their shouldeea' ak Eoemg^ 
These men say to the public, " Coaoaiaad ~ 
Staith's sonata, or Handel Snooks* oaaaaato. Itiinhi iiaalB 
seven shillings and is very ckasicaL*" Btiftt the uiihili. m§i 
"No! Jullien*s music may not far intdleetaaljbafcc altidl 
events it is n't dnaifs Beethoaan Siaiih'via^ iim la laadriigly 
dreaiy that wa ■can't malia?mii oaa laiadt tihlftianto it even 
to diacover wliaie'tfaa intelftet IKk" And the public stick 
ta>lliair JjdGen aiKitfaatr JuUien's polkas. 

Thediaeetan of the "Wednesday Conoerto," however, 
hna w iai; w eB that polkas tire after the fifteenth repetition^ 
aad' that a£ter all the music without the dancing is very 
macht like- tfaa. mustard without the beef, have advanced 
aaparal 8ta|0-higbar than the polka levd : knowing also that 
extnmer meet, and that altnough the public may get tired 
of Jullien they won't listen to Brnthoven Smith at all, they 
have not advanced to the brink of what B. S. impertinently 
cdls " classical " music. Heaven preserve th^n from it ! 
Ijetthelrmottabei"BewataofdiD musical-mad^bg," and 
the coneer t swfllTBeet with ihe success which their exoel l enco 
and cheapness deaenre. 





The eagle of the saosagB-sIiop has laid a fetid egg,. and we 
are going to pelt him with it. To drop iBeti4>nor, Looib 
has iMoed a manifesto^ and we are going to show up its 

It opens with a dash of impndenee and vmaty, as a dung- 
lull COCK, hefore fighting, ffites a shrill crow. 

'* My futme presents itself to jou as a symbol of order and 

What does ** my name " mean here ? If it means Louis 

imperial bajronets, and " seeurity " guaranteed bjr an army 
— ^ready to invade foreign countries, and to dominate oyer 
its own. 

" I am not an ambitions man," says Louis. Why then 
land at Boulogne with the eagle ? — ^why are you a candidate 
now ? The National Assembly does not want you, neither 
do the middle classes nor the Red Republicans. 

Louis tells us that he was educated " in free countries," 
and in the "school of misfortune," Did finse countries 
teach him to aspire to a dictatorddp ? Betides, how did he 
live in free countries, and what does the '* school of mis- 
fortune" mean? Poor Mow, was he unlucky at bil- 

Louis next runs over a Hst of necessary reforms — the old 
cant Ust, which evQijbody Imowsby keart;'bitt^oa£HiQDalely, 
these, which were m p ro gi es s of aeoomptiahiiient before ne 
arrived in France, hare Men delayed br nis pmeut proceed- 
mm. Civil war would delay tham still onore, and Ikkub is 
Mping to bring that about. How fond he jnost be of 

Loms eonchides Ijy ssyfaiff 'tfntt "^ibere is one mode of 
doing good, and that is to will it." We ware not aware that 
the human will was so powerful before. Can Louis do all 
that he wills ? All that is known of his power is, that he 
is deficient in intellect ; and all we see of his will, is sufficient 
to show Uiat he wishes to raise himself from personal vanity. 

TiiB Abscbd of all OBsmvmis. — The Ob$9rver, in 
meaking of that woree than all bad faroes. Two OmU in Ong 
Ivy Bwh (whieh had been damned finally, and onee ibr all, 
some davs before the publicati(m of the jonmal), said i^t 
it was luLcIy to run for ten or twelve nights ! and this afto 
it had been unable to creep on during one representation ! 


No ooetcan aceose the Bhowmak of Botbebg IHieral in his 
opinioDs, or of relusing' to advocate, to the best of his power, 
iiB i^ht of all olasses. ** Liberty, Equality ,' and Fraternity," 
has, in conseqwaoe, invariably been his motto. As great 
i0vil, however, has resulted to the popular cause from the 
conduct of certain unprincipled persons who ^have 'made 
the fiunous words just quoted the excuse for all sorts of 
outrageous- and highly (mnaive conduct, the Showman will 
proceed to show what acts a person can, b^no twisting and 
torturing the "words Liberty,. Jlqualtty,. and Fratemityy ever 
be permitted to perpetrate. 

A* 17o landlady or aorvaat-maai is at.libcr^«- 

l.'To keep year nMnrniog^ paper 'bdf^an^hoor down thm, in 
m^ toTeaid it^ beftve b r ii ^in g U np— -jea only hbring tiie 
paper fer one hour every mofning. 

S, To fit in your ami-diair, aad, after jan have coaie down 'in 
yoar ilnpen aad drestiag-goini, and pat the iea^in the^toa- 
pot^ to araiaaDd drink thaastence, fiUiBg up again with'water 
as toon as voa have returned to your.betCioom and are knovm 
to be sore fin: half-an-hoor shaviBg. 

'3. To bring* yon up but a pint and a halTftr emy qaxft of the 
homely- Stt refreshing half-and-half, which you may choose to 
order, and to aooonnt for the deficiency — if remarked — by 
asserting tiiat the pot in which it was broogfat from tte 
pabKc-hoiise, previously to being transftrred into the more 
respectable bat far less genial earthenware, "ran so." 

B. As regards Eqoalifty, aHhoi^h it is oar prood boast that we are 
all equal in the eye of the law, no landlady or servant-maid is for 
one moment to soppoae that thia theoiy of eq^ble rights holds 

1. With respect to hair jauA es^ ioofh and other combs, poma- 
tum, and oowland'a 

2. W|th regard to c mmb rio pooket-handkerchieft. 
:6. In what eoMeu'as aa^y atfayeopper cr silver coins you may 

C. Aiid,.fiMa^,ioireat«f7rafanAy« If y«i happen tobelivmg 
witha hrotliier, the relatMOship dees aot of neoossity invest him 
with a rij ' 

1. Of wearing oat yoar dress vamishodlMither boats in the Park, 
while yoa EsTe lieen defniving yoorself of that pleasore, in order 
that-yaamay hafetfaom «ew, or nearly so^.at a ball to which 
yoa expect to be shortly invited, and are in the hopes of meeting 
MEM, and whese^ of eourse^ yon wkh to make a profound 

2. Ofgomgto^some shop whne.yon have credit aad ranaing op 
.a USge araaont in ytornsme : 1^ only eons ok t km yoa oliiaiiL 
whan yoa become aoonaintad with the frigbtfoi and uneaqpected 
amount of yoar liabiatMB, bemg* the conlmion that it oertainly 
iataobad,Wtliebai'*martbefakL" Sooheoadnot as this 
can only be surpassed by that 

3. Of some individoal m the street who might attempt to pick 
.your .podrat of your posse, -ar robyou of a ohain or diamond 

pin, under the>pfat« that he^ teo^ was a "Man aad a 


It 'b no use trving. We attempt to put down a grievance, and 
if we at length succeed, up it springs in some nesh place, or 
in some new form. 

We attacked Ifae BflBModatee^ hotkB, Imt the monster 
evil has many heads, and we oannot hexostisually fighting 
this Hydra on the " one down anothertsoiBe on*' principle. 
Would that we possessed ikmmd hot'iEtn wlnrewith to seal 
our blows efiectually ! 

The-new style of iille is a si^^gidariy add one. Nothing 
in the mystenous "Omoo," or enticing "Gold Meat and 
Pickles " liae, but a sim^ asaertion of a fact which may or 
may iiot'be'tnK,««nd<which, when bnmght before the reader, 
can onlyindnee himto exclaim, in the wordawhich head Uie 
preeentorticle, "^K^, what of itt" 

'Weiwre jastaeeiiA Uttle bodk (whidh'is'aertainly clever 

eaoijij^), havmg as. a titie tiie by no awaaiu atartling piece 
of i^wmation, tiiat*"£bMiBare Trumpa !" Well, suppos- 
ing thatihaarts are:tnnnps— iHiat of it"? Is there any reason 
why heaiils dmiddzaolme trumps ? And if the>ftuthor means 
by his aw tiuu'to -state that hearts ei^|oytfae sole privile^ 
of baing'trumps, we tell him plainly that he is in eiror, and, 
morsofcr, owes anrample apology to fpades, odubs, and 
daaniadds, fordus eilitnn^ by impfioation. 

IEf:tke«aitthor*BOl^ect* convinee iheMliKc -diat in 
'entain oases "haarta. are trumps," henonigfat Uianre done so 
widiout witiiig a book on the subject; .and ntTequires no 
fsreot logeeal ;power ^to ^prove that, absalately iqMoking, 
^''liiJtijiinjim^ trumps." 

WoTflRL^iuicy the author, after midringdMB Inilliant dis* 
covery as to what hearts are, or rather as to what they 
might be if favoured by certain fortuitous cireumstances — ^we 
can fiuBoy him rushing «ff to his publisher, and adieiting 
him to inform all Lcmden of-the important 'fact. Bome 
persons look upon the inventor of nrintii^r m the g r e a te st man 
who has yet lived ; othere award the preference io the man 
who discovered buttered toast ; we, however, award the 
palm to the genius who brought all his inteUigence, idl his 
peeseveraaee, and^all his wit, to beari^n the relatian^east- 
ing betweaa heartB.aiid.trumps, and ^published the jossidt of 
Jiie.kihoaw to a delighted wend. 

Waara happy tooafiwiDecr readers thatihesBme^nitfaor 
k prMring some works- under the titlesof The Qmmh^ais 
the 'Knave ; A cmmancenrnte teoo ; and Tie* pay 'the DMer: 
Also, Dftpi are'QwtdrnptfU ; A dumb man ean*t wpeak; 'and 
A pig eanUjly! 



- {QoMinied.) 

I Uanaobii. — A dramatin ADtocrat irli(we dutiea ooiutrt in not 
j aneweiiiig letters addressed tn him, in not r«*diiie pieim Knt tu 
I the theatre, and in never being at home to an jbo^ tat Stars and 
I juvenile lords, who take pritate boxes for tbe sensoi), on conditkHi 
r . tif having the ran of the green-ronn and iuU libeTt;r of fliliatiOD 
I vith the ballet. Pcirtheniicre, the manager la imderstood to 
I ehow hie powers of literarj oampotittion in the plaj-tdllt, in which 

singular works of fiction jon irill generallj see a three-parts 

clamDed faroe paraded as' ' 


! eablt! 

the leaat discoiuu^ bj aiij amount oi* Imnkiuplcfes or dibutt 
at tbe Insolvent Uebtor'i. J^ an e;iecution be put into the 
Theatre Eojal, Field Lane, on Fridaj night, and an Mondaj 

there maj be such a thing as o 
and a reallj superior plav of 
sneezed at. Orainari!}', haw< 
drama ii manufactured out uTi 
' ir of pairs 

mnrdera, a ghost, a rightftil heir, a crowd of retainers, a ehx. 

d melodraine ai well as bad, 
class is t^ no means to be 
the Fitzbal) school of melo- 
cicnt cmtle, with an usurping 

boots, three Irap-doon, four 

.... o peasant wiUi 

scolding wif& and 1<^ of bine Gre in the last scene, where half 
c^ the wicked cliaracters are snddentj stabbed 1^ the otho' halt 
who are themselvea collared bv the virtuous chuacten in a grand 
tableau on which tbe eortain nils. 

Hakabide.— The maiaHne floor is that portion of tbe theatre 
beneath the stage from which good fairies anend through 
traps, and down to which Don Qiovanni and similar im;avper 
re conducted bj that class of demons who appear '- 


be pecmiar to the sts^ and whose (H-incipal eniplojmait seems 
to M rushing altout sbakine rosin torches — after which they 
ooca^onalljr adjourn to pnbUc-bouses in the vicinity of the 

HoiIG (Speaking through the) — Is ttsge slung for those Uta of 
dialogue given in the critical points of meloiiraiiuis to a low 
seratchj accompanboent of violins in the orchestra; Thos. if a 
man be abont to morder his partieular friend, or to set Sre to his 
booBe with the Intention of burning his wife, motber-ia-lsv, 
thirtam children, three nurserj-maids, cook, hoosanoid. 
ohamber-maid, and page in bottont, It ia held dranutic and i 
efltctive for him to speak the boliloquj in which he indulges 
beforeltand, to a aabdued squeakijig of tiddlers. As, however, wa 
never knew a man in real Ufe who performed eilher of the feata 
above alluded to, we are not in a position to stata whether the 
eBect in question be natural and legitimate or not. 

NOTART. — The stage notarr is remarkable for hsviiur no praotioa 
except in that tiranch of his profession connected with marriage 
contracts. Furthermne^ he appears to he in the habit of trans- 
acting business in the open air, and at n table brought in by 
one of the choma, and set down in the prininpal street of the 
village. OccasiotuUy, however, when the cuntrsctinz parties 
are counts and countesses, we find the notary withio doois. bat 
he always keeps in a corner of the room, nnd his avoealioni 
^pe«r to be confined to spreading out a roll of paper, which the 
l«-ide and bridqrroom sign by means of a pen without any ink in 
it. Al^r wlilch the notary goes qaietly away without Indding 
good moroing to any of hit employers. 

NOTELTT. — Among the "Novelties" which managers daily ad- 
vertise, we ^ould like very much to— bot we don't expect that 
we ever shall — see the following : — 

ut of the meaniag of what 

JVr. Oiicrry knowing fail psR. 

And (which would be amiuing for (he fan of Ifac 

XVaa, Mn. Kniry, or tin. OIdkt, plsying waj t 


tiling) to tee iln. 

Vert Probable. — We have not beard the rtnnonr m 
literary circles (for which reason we believe it) that the tiUe 
of Mr. Charles Dickens' Chrulmu book is mvtbical and 
esoteric in its siffoification. " The Haunted Man, or the 
Ghost's Bargain ia said to mean " The Haunted Hen, or 
Bradburr and Evans's Bad Bargain." We believe that 
these unhappy publishers are nightly tormented with the 
shades of Misa Kobineon Crusoe and Mrs, Bib's Baby, and 
that their " bad bargain" is "The Man nude of Monej." 


EcoiTOiir is the order of the day. So says Moses' poet — 
vide the newspapers, ^HMtim— and so say ^e Liren>ool 
Economic Association. The latter body, vrhoare particnlarly 
active in promulgating their plans of retrenchjsent, hare 
circulated the following hints, in tbe hope that the reception 
sueh floating straws may meet with will serve to show how 
the wind blows : — 

Prince Albert is mach ovopud. We propose to allow hira 
thir^ shillings a-week, and the liberty of applying thronghoot the 
West-end for Christmas boxes. 

The mm allowed to the Commander-in-Chief is monstntna, and 
his duties trifling. We would propoae to unite with them thoae oT 
an arcade beadle, and to allow him coals, candles — at pofaap* 
ruihligbts — with one pair of high-Iowa annually. 

Oar naval aipenditare is almost inoalcnUMek and vet we hare 

hundreds of stupi lud up idle in ordinary. Why shonld not tbess 

1tlcd up as colliers and sent to ply between ~ 

M expense of the estat 
t, and Osborne, press h< 

IS floati^ calko nunnfitatorie*. 
of the estaUisbments at Windsor, Bnckinghsm 
wne, press heavily on tbe tai-payais. Whyabould 
not the royal &mtly ^ into lodgings T— in which case any respeotable 
cook-shop In the neighbotuhood would contraot for lorolying tlicdr 
table, and send in the beer in pewter, which ia bj Mr tlw moat 
pleasant mode of drinking it. In case of Frinoe Albert wislung for 
variety, he misht djne at the Whittiiigton Ckb fiir isreiqwiwv 
incluifingmeat{(iasll plate), bread, potatoes aid a haU-pmt « 




It Iias'been rumoured lately, among circles likely to be well- 
infiOTmed, that a case of much interett, to ramemen of ^die 
long p^etot (or aathOT6),ifill be brought before His Honour 
The Bhowman, for trial, at no very distant period. It 8|>- 
pears that some gentlemen, finding in the possession of Mr. 
Charles Dickens, on his property called Domhey and San, a 
kid, or boy» called Toun^ Dembey, of a nature superior^to 
the t)ther kids in Hr. Dickens' possession, began to h«re 
snspicions thafKiDHAPPiNO had been committea by thatilis* 
Anguished genUemon. The kid in question. Young Dombey, 
iras so poetic in appearance, so sublime in idea, that these 
gentlemen agreed that he conld not possibly be a brother of 
Rob the Grinder, of Bailey Junior, or of other young kids 
of the Dickens' family. 

Inquiries were made, and it w;as suspected that Mr. 
Dickens bad, 'Uke a gypsy, first appropriated the boy, 
and then tlii^uised hhn to make him pass for his own^ — to 
borrow a joke originally made by Churchill in Uie Apology, 
and subseiiuent^y stolen b^r Shendanin the Critic. 

Well, in a short time, it was found that in the distin- 
gm^hed 8ur Edward "Bulwer's (we protest against l«ytton) 
zanoni, there was a kid — a son of Zanoni 4be ^gmttmmd^ 
Yiola the beautiful — ^resembling, marveUoa^, Young Aon- • 
bey, in all that wvs wonderful about hhn, aiidi«rigr«nlike 
him in what was unnatural and ofiensive to a pure taste. 
In short, the inquirers into the matter bc^^ to Mlieve that 
Dickens, like a Cockney Prometheus, had stolen the fire 
from the Jupitoxif fiction to li|^t the earthenware clay of 
Mr. Dombe^r's son ! 

An opimon was soon taiken fntm a young gentleman, 
whose name appears in another part of our paper. 1¥e 
subjoin it :— 


Bbino asked whether Ihere was groond for soppomn^ Chat the kid 
in question, Toang Domb^, was stolen from Sanoni, n^ first task 
was to determine whether ine two kids resembled one another ? I 
find that Toong Dombey is principally remarkable for a precocions 
derdopoaent <n the fecolties— a premature dawning of the sonl 
These are erideneed in the hraihioas appearance of his fbee, in the 
injslfrioainetBCif hiteondoet, in the strange inteyeotoal abitraotion 
—40 aneonmioo at his age— which diitingoisbts him, and in his 
deep f^elinff of the wondroosness of aatore (enaeed by Us gaEing 
at tae sea^ «o.l which diffisrs exoeediagk frem the <tolid yap eating 
contentment ofthe children of the midale classes generally. Tam- 
ing to namine the child of -Zanoni, Ifind-apreoooify very much 
the same — ^an intelligence quite pEeternatoral— 4i similar brightness 
of soul — in hat, 1 find the aoy equally distinct from children of his 
age; and fbrther, that his loving natore is evinced towards his 
paroitfl^ in nmch the same w#y as Tonng Dombey's to his sister 

What then are the pcmsts of dllereneef Young Dembey is 
older than Yoonff Zanoni. But Young Zammi appeared 'sorae 
years before ; and there k i«asen (in my opiniun) for beKcRphig, 
that Mr. Dickens, having seen yaang 2aB«ni, took him as &e mn 
amared, and, some time after, iaderedoeed him te the yuhhc as 
a heinff ef mope advanoed years. Q%ai difierenee ef years arnkts 
the diferenoe between the two, and by that^ all difiemnoeim their 
peculiarities may be explained. 

lamtha-efore of opfaibn Umi thaw are grounds ibr astion 
i^Saiast Mr. DifilnB% on the obmtge^ KiBiiAPmfa 

(Signed) Iukzos Libbl. 

The Honorahle-snd Reverend Bairtist Koodle lias left Ifae 
Church of Enjgland. It is allegea as something in iiis 
fayour, that his opinions difiered very dUghtly frrom those 
called orthodox. We were net aware that a quarrel was 
'ibore Justifiable in proportion to the provoeation being slif^ 
On this prindple, we msfy ex]>ect to hear of a man boaong 
his mother's ears, and Ba3rin£, in justifioaticOy that ^' it -only 
arose firom a disjMite about <£e WMther/' 

The Gaue of Goosv. — We perceive by the papers that 
Louis PhiBppe and a numerous company have been visiting 
Sir Robert reel at Prayton Manor. We think the company 
great geese for venturing so close to these two old foxes. 



He went to casinos, he studied The Gent; 

Devoured his grub 

At the Whittington Club ; 
And*^ wondered what art and phiiosopliy meant." 


Wb were somewhat supnsed a month or two OM at seeing 
in our favourite publication, Punchy an artide'written in the 
French language. A few weeks more and we found the dose 
repeated ; graoually the symptoms have •become more rabid, 
until last week — (wedon't like giving bodadvioetoour readers, 
but let them look at the number) — we have nearly a page 
devoted to an article relative to the French constitution, written 
in French, which is generally inelegant^ and ocoasionally 

Where are the honest Endish hasrts who iiaiSilli«l|joice, 
in print, at the idea of JohnJBuIl kicking 4iiit *'Min nasty 
Frenchmen with his propagandist notions ? *' ^ftwii is the 
sturdy LooMn, staunch admnite of BritishMhnd— British 
hew4 ^ .dM WhitefriaM* Homer mddiK? Yes, we ara 
afraid markiRS Iwen rMBDg ins own articles ! 

With our well-known mathematical turn of mind, we 
cannot help asking for some reason — not that we have any 
absolute right to expect reason from Mark Lemon — ^but we 
cannot help inquiring the cause of thus resorting to a foreign 
language to express ^oommonplace, or, indeea, any other 

We suppose o« ^iOitefriars' friends, who boast of a 
European reputation ^nll^ho, at the same time, don't enjoy 
one), intend publiakn^*«Mnite articles for every country in 
Europe. They wiDlsuBa^eir defence on the various cries 
of " French for the Frenchmen, " " German for the Ger- 
mans," dwj. 

As far as a large portion of the public are concerned, it 
would not be of the least consequence were the whole number 
to appear in Koptic ; and a memorial is already being got 
up, hy a numerous class who prefer Scythian, requesting the 
proprietors to have the jounud printed in that sonorous 

If the writers were to pifiilish the jokes from the Conaire, 
Charivari, &c., in the original language, instead of marring 
them, as they too often do, m the translation, we should iS 
the last to complain. If Umrk would sell his small beer 
'* neat as imported," we ^oild ba^silent. As it is, and as 
friends ot the establishmKit, 'we OHinot help advising the 
Punch writers to wrile^us are! us tlH^ «re capable of doing 
in their own language. ^Vi^^avet^think, previously ex- 
pressed our opinion tfaaivs th^ can^reoHkot toehrperiodical 
properly, they had better ^pveat up alluifrfhu: tat although 
they won*t attend to ttnaiadviee, whidh asveai^f wbSI meant, 
let them not be possessed wkhflftie id» th«t Aftli^dh lan- 
guage is aot 4;ood enough ta* utan. Gmte ^i^tpsShnsted 
all its iiswwij? Can «a ^t, vo^aaMasiiMn' woMration, 
be expressed in the toqgiiein which Stem^^wMLaMfl Pope, 
wrote ; and must they, after inling in lM,iaeat a second 
failure in that of Leaage, Vollam,«Mi Voiwu. 

This writing in i^ranch is sihnost a novelty in literature. 
Great Englishmen, however, have written in the lan<^ages 
of Greece and Rcwne. Therefbre, we say, you, liberal and 
accomplished Mark, nen us an ode in the language of 
Catullus ; * and you, classical and enlightened Douglas, in- 
dite us a parody m that of Aristophanes. Be not modest, 
esteemed Lemon; be not bashful, beloved Jerrold ! 

'« W« iMg to vv^gMt "(f^MifJb^« Mate bifd,'* mow teul,'tt a mibjteL We 
•nqmm mm^Mmk wiUiMke aMnaok ol H m CmaXim 4id of Lerina'a 

Weights axd MEASumsa.— We see tliat a grocer waa 
fined the other day for having false we^hta in hie shop. 
We have no doubt that the articles he <sold were bad aa 
well, asid that he thus illustrated the lines in Hamlet-^ 

** In the cornrplsd etuwti of ^ns wevM, 
0£^oe's gilded hand will shove bj ymtin I 





Sapett EAZOM.—We see a razor adTertised, hy means 
of which die moat nerrous person maj' shave nimself on 
board a ateamer or in a coach, without a mirror, and equali j 
without doD^ of cutting, himself. This, it must be ao- 
knowledK^l, IB a remarkablj iDgeniouB epeoies of razor, hut 
it is nouuDK at all to one which we intend to bring out 
skortlj', and by means of which a person without handB 
may ahave himsdf standing on his h^ on the top of an 
Eau-de-Col(^e bottle, pl^ed on the saddle of a high- 
trotting mare perfonning a eteeple-chaae acrosa a heaTy 
countiy. Peraona with a little spare time on tfaedr handa 
may realise a handsome fortune by becoming agenta for the 
Hale of the article. 

will at ka^ be 
read the German iotelligMioe. 
AmiMigat all the Schieckan- 
sleioa, Windischg[t&ti, aad 
other jawwleetroyiiu wn^, 
we hare at laat nit ap<m 
Hen" SiiDson. Tbe pkanire 
was as unexpected aa it w»s 
refreshing, and we cannot but 
congratiuate oursdvea on bar- 
ing been tb« first to call attea* 
tion to the agreeable fact. 

A. few daya since, the clerics 
at the office of the Electric 
Tel^raph were atarUed by an 
announcement that the Boj 
FitzwiUiam, candidate for tM 
Weat Riding, was "returned." 
Their , surprise, howeter, 
ceaaed, ^bai, Portly after- 
waida, dia.dial-plate £scloeed 
the word "home.". 

Ah advertisKnent, with the above heading, has lately been 
insertod in some of the papers by the reverend incumbent of 
one of the city parishes, to the e%ct Ibat he has opened a 
coarse of instruction in " Hebrew, Greek, Latin, Uathona- 
tica, &c.," for the benefit of those happy individuals who, in 
consequence of their emplovers having agreed to shut up 
their establishmenta somewhat sooner than they were wont, 
happen to have a leisure hour or two on thmr hands after 
aght o'clock F.u. 

To our weak mind it had seoned that (he beet thing theae 
young men could do, when released frran the dutjee (^ thnr 
respective pr^essiona, would have been to amuse tbcmaalvea 
with a quiet chat with a friend, enUvNted ptriiajw br a puff 
or two of tbe social weed, now and thm divervfiea by the 
perusal of some sterling author, or a harmloas viut to the 

Such, however, is not the opinion of the reverend adver- 
tiser. According to lum, die beet means of reviving an 
unfortunate shopman or clerk, who has been on his le^ 
running half over London peri^aps.or pent up in an lU-veuti- 
lated warehouse from eight in the morning until eight in the 
evening, is to cram him with Hebrew or confound nim vrith 
Conic Sections — as if the former were necessary to enable him 
to aerve out a pound of tea, or the latter indispensable to tfae 
right measuring of a yard of ribbon. 

Aa a neceeeary conaeqnence of this new system, we expect 
to see some notice oif the foUowii^ deacriptitm shortly appear 
in the columns of the Tbitat : — 

ON MONDAY NEXT will sppearaHewEditioDofNIWTOK'S 
PBINCIPU, with a fair words od the Integna and DiSnn- 
tial Calmhu, fbllowed by a *Wt tnstiae on FluH and Spherical 
Trigoaometry, and tba ose of Algebra aa atmlied to Geotneby. 
Compowd by JOHN OEORQK SARSANBI^ Draper (of Moars. 
Swan and Bigti't), during Ui dinner hoars, uid alur 8 p.m. 
Or else— 

PUBLn VIBGILn MAB0NI8 OPERA, Ad Pr»itan«iim 
Librenim leetionea AccuraU Becenmit BIGABDUS JOB- 
SON (de Dakln et Co., 8L Paul's Chnrchjard). 

By the way, there is one branch of ednoation which th» 
reverend advertiser has not mentioned in his programme : 
this is much to be regretted, as he has shown himself to be a 
perfect adept in it, and the hints he might hare givoi could 
not hare faded to prove ineetimable : we allude to the scietwe 
of Hdubuq. 







OF THE Drama, into ths Fibb of the Pbbsb. 

ITHIN a f&w days after the pro- 
daction of my nrce," continued 
Tomkins, ''it was noticed bj the 
Pdppet-Show of the period in the 
following terms : — 

'* ' Some nights since a farce, 
bearing the absurd and therefore 
appropriate name of ^o, you Don't, 

was m existence at the 

Theatre. We have no doubt that 
it was damned the first niffht, but 
we really could n't stop to see the conclusion of sucn trash. 
It is the worst fiEtroe we ever saw, and we have seen many 
which were supremely stupid. We have not heard whether 
the writer was led on to the stage by his ostler in attend- 
ance, but if the audittioe whistled for him it must have been 
in order to pelt him. The piece, in addition to being non- 
sensical, was as lonff as the ears of its author— and we say 
this with a full recoUection of his asininity before us. We do 
not wish to be in any way severe upon the young dramatist, 
but we must remind him that the stage is not a common on 
which every donk^ may graze with impunity.' 

** The above entique did not, you may be sure, tend in any 
way to dissipate the grief which 1 was sufiering on account 
of the failure of that on which I had set all my hopes. My 
friend Junius endeavoured to turn the tide of public opinion 
in favour of my farce ; but not even a second Cyrus woidd 
have been able to change the course of such a Bluphrates. 
In vain did my solitary supporter call on the people of 
England (through the limited medium of the Scorpion) to 
'rise as a man and assert the claims of neglected genius. ' 
They had no opportunity of listening to me, for in spite of 
ibe stings inflicted by the Soorvion, Saveall said that he 
' would never again nave his tneatre disgraced by such a 
scene as had occurred on the first night of iVb, you Dont,^ 

*' Junius continued for a short time to puff me in the 
columns of the Scorpion, and whenever there was a lack of 
novelty, no matter at what theatre, he sug^ted the propriety 
of securing my services. * There is Tomkiiis,' he would say, 
' who is evidently destined to do great things, actually un- 
employed, when the drama is at its lowest eob. This must 
not be tolerated ! ' 

'' People, however, persisted intolerating it, and the public 
were at last informed that the farce should be nublisbed. 
This i>roject was at once knocked on the head hy tne printer 
informing me that its expenses should be paid in advance. 
Thus are men of genius restrained by mere tradesmen ! thus 
ts mind rendered subservient to matter ! 

^' Even in this juncture I did not despair. The Pharisee 
thanked providence that he possessed rnany^ virtues. I am 
always ^teful for being messed with a iew faults. I am 

vMn — it IS excusable now that I am Inspector of the -; 

Division — ^but it is a weakness which I liave always enjoyed. 
Vanity is power when knowledge is worse than useless, and 
the conriction that I was a go(m dramatist, and all the news- 
paper writers bad critics, supported me at a period when a 
modest Shakspere would have cut his throat in desperation. 
" But although vanity is a great consoler, one cannot live 
on it. This axiom became strongly impressed on my mind 
one morning that my landlady raised to bring up breakfast 
agreeably to my summons. 

Libel's to appease jdj appetite, and inform him of the uncon- 
etttutional manner m wnich the ' house' had stopped my 


" Junius received me cordially, but he also was afflicted. 
His connexion with Longprimer had terminated, and the 
Scorpion appeared to be in its dyin^ agonies. There was no 
•hope of inducing the ori^^inal proprietors to continue it any 
longer. Junius was indignant, but Longprimer was decided. 

"It often happais that those journals which enter the 
world in the greatest triumph make their exit quite tmheeded. 
I am ignorant as to how or when the Scorpion first made its 

appearance, although a rival paper alluded to it as being 
' spawned in corruption' and formed out of some peculiariy 
obnoxious slime. However this may have been, it is quite 
certain that if it had perished few persons would nave 
troubled themselves about its fate. But Junius swore that 
he would not 'stand by and see it served that way,' and 
accordingly it was necessary to determine at once as to the 
best means of saving his dying child. 

" He was never altogether Mrithout resources, and even 
now he could insure the 8corpion*$ lify, but it would be at 
the expense of its future healtn. 

" Aided by my advice, he decided to save the infant, even 
though its suDsequent existence should be one of pain. The 
operation was a dangerous one, and might merely serve to 
prolong the patient's misery, but that was better than dlow- 
mg the child, and that a first child, to die. 

" Junius was honoured with the friendship of a gentleman 
named Rowdy Skribbel, who had been long desirous of 
contributing to the Scorition, but whose articles Junius had, 
from motives of prudence, uniformly excluded. This 
amateur writer was rich, and it was now in his power to 
give the paper at the same time the principle of life and of 
death. His contributions would be the bane, and his money 
a very acceptable antidote. The co-operation of this person 
was the dangerous remedy on which my friend ultimately 

" ' And you, Tomkins,' said Junius, ' won't you join us V 

" ' I should be very happy, but really — * 

'"But really what?* he interrupted. 'If you intend 
cultivating your talents for modesty, there may be some 
objection, but otherwise I can see none. You have more 
talents than a good many writers who enjoy celebrity, and 
are better educated than several who have almost a European 
reputation. What are those persons who call themselves the 
" eminent writers of the day r ' One is a man who, having 
pained a name without any one knowing how he acquired i^ 
IS sufficiently prudent not to write a sinde line. He originaUy 
kept a pot-house in a low part of London, and thoujght thiU; 
because he failed as a publican he would be successful as an 
author. He was good-natured, and gave " tick " to some 
thoughtless litterateurs, who knew far more about gin than 
they did of Greek. They could u't pay him, but they 
managed to persuade him that he was a genius. They ruined 
him as a publican, but set him up as a writer. A little 
business talent, plenty of impudence, and a touch of good 
fortune (which does favour the ** fortes'* alone) did the rest.' 

" ' But he is an exception,' I urged. 

" ' Let us hope so,' continued Junius ; ' but I fear not. 
There is Jugde-us, the philanthrophist, who made his way 
almost entirely by an assumption of benevolence, and an 
exercise of ill-nature. After failing in various pursuits more 
or less clevatinp^, he commenced writing dramas for the 
amusement of the transpontine canaille. These g[enerally 
inculcated some great moral principle, such as the mjustice 
of calling on a poor man to pay his rent. His doctrines were 
much admired oy the rabble, and he took care to introduce 
them into whatever he published. This is what you may 
have heard spoken of as the system of " writing with a 
purpose." At length he became ambitious, attacked the 
entire aristocracy mr the sins of some score of its members, 
and abused the church en masse because half-a-dozen clergy- 
men had erred in the course of as many years. He Has 
great facility in inventing specious names. He brought out 
a newspaper, one-half of which was full of libels, and the 
other 01 absurdity, under the pretext that he was advocating 
the great cause of human progress. He then started an 
eatiiu^-house (which he called a club), and every young man 
who bad been entrapped into joining it was tonnented into 
buying the founder's portrait, and takmg in his libellous and 
philanthrophic newspaper. He prides himself on having 
materially injured an excellent institution to which he once 
belonged (and to which he actually did some haxm by not 
paying his subscription), and has slandered all that is 
respectable, until at last — by gigantic efforts, I admit — ^he 
has almost raised himself to a decent position in society.' 

"'But,' I ventured to observe, 'I have heartt that 
Juggle-US is a man of liberal education, that he is a genuine 
philanthrophist, and that he has never written anythmg but 
what is noole and dignified.' 

" ' As for his liberal education,' replied Junius, ' I can 


iTfifi 9V^^^^^^SU0W. 

id\ ycHi this mueh t Although a plagiary hr i n <l MM» * nn ,:he 
waaaev^r JioowA to make au actual qMOtatien ijnQiii.Aii]r 
writer, of note. Greek be does not know even by ^akfat,caad 
hia aejiiuaititftncewitU tke Latin language is eonBiied to *^M 
dot qui cito dot:* with ndim viaion of " BuOieui EapePkH,'' 
And a, hazy notion of the '*faoUis deseemus Averni. ' Yon 
jnay judge whether he is a Mnuine philantbrephist, whtn I 
tell youUiat hia venomous disposition is the object of Ibej 
ramarks evui of his intimate fnends ; he naemblesa philan- 
throphist as much as a hy»na does a iamb. This nanj 
actually pursued a gentleman with all : sorts of mahgnmit; 
representations because the latter, in his capacity of critic,) 
found fatdt with a diama written bv Juggle-us, and which 
was full of witless sneers and stupid malevolenee. Depend 
upea it, Juggle-US was a happier and a better pan at that 
auspicious period when he was engaged ^at a minor theatne 
4o write a part fivr a pig. Ee was proud of it at the time, 
andliis flatterem used to assure him that on ihe backofitiiat 
j>ig.he would go down to posterity.'^ 

•* ' VVell.'said I, at last, 'say no more about Joggle-ws, 
and. I will join you.* 

*' ' Give me your hand on. it,' cried Junius, ' and I will 
4ell you of a plan of which 1 have just thought.' 

*' Here, however, Ilowdy Skribbel made his appearance. " 


Two-horse 'fly from BUckheath and back, in «rder 
to spare my pwn horses ... ... ••• 

flew dresses, gloves, &c 

9nct ofprivate hox ... ... ••• ... 

CHais of sherry for njself, to ttissipate the intense 
xneUooholy engendered by Mr. H.'Vaiidcahoff*s 






a « 6 

J>ocl«r*8.aoeonQt fin- cariog Uvs. Jawkins and the 
ioor jroang.UMiies of violmt inSveBsa, coa iraet ed 
bywaitiiig in corridor half-an-hoor , while ij^-maa 
was ^pettiog drunk in some poblio-hwise anuovo, 
and imposftible to (Uscover ... ... ... 

Hannels, hare-akbs, eooiforters, opodeldoc, and oint- 
ment, necessary for the treatment of an attack of 
rhemnatism, caught by having had to drive home 
through tl^ rain myself, instead of the fly-man 
'beiore-moitioned ... 

*DBMoaa, Msssrs. 'Niifeoi»oor aad XH h sPi, ioit*aooeBBt iMtti 

Doe sBHl'OnaaB. 

Advising you on an uncertain day ' 

(When yoo' wtreeiit, •«nd we w^n^Armw^ 

a:o sell mr fieU calledWhiteacre, wfakhroft 

Is ea)l«d. or atyled, or.oamed, the kwytr^ croft. 

To wnti^ suMby letttrs, sent "with sj^se^*' 

To divers persons, noneojf whom oould resiL 

Waitiuff on these said persons to exii^un 

Said letters : they bong oat^ to called again. 

When, not having seen them (as they auweradtaJX 

Writing to their executors instead. 

To seemg you iHien you wereouiof si^d. 

To reading notes from men who coakLuataRiia. 

To papers, irafers,* tapers, wax, and ink. 

To stonpa aaid postage, perjurera arid llriA. 

To^dl UMSsa^hiawuiiked weiMk 

This moderatorc£u|ga— iCMiO 10f.«i. 

Be not at tius, wr^satle friends, d ism a ye d. 

We lie as cheanaaany in thetwidr 

We break men^s heartaat 14*. tM^«go-r 

Women's, more moderate, at %$.jmdA^ 

Try our false witnessesat 4*. and.iatf. 

Such conscienoes to stretch ! Just hear the an ! 

For this last hint we charge another pasmd : 

Pray si;nd your derk to bring the mongy^rannL 

To Messrs. I^incompoop. 

1 2| 



Aribtoobatic .FaucKr^His Bsval taMasm Mai 
observed, after tbepcmalef -a life ef Ymmf^MAt€m^ 
hest proof of what superiori^ ia lahoBenitataMB biclh «aa to 
in the (act that when no one else • ooeld e 
prize-fighter whose adventures he 'had bsMi asadiag.^thi 
of Watoford alone was often aocnttomad , to ".staocLSam. 

THEOLo<iicAL»-*It is to be ^hopol that 
manofiaith; bat no oae nan onrapiinssit 



■frn r in: 



...£18 11 4| 
Jawkiks Jawkuis. 



•We lat^T saw an advertisement of the memoirs of Sir 
'William fiirkaMy, in which that hero is described as ** a 
atont man who always oflered, by single combat, and at the 
point ot the sword, to maintain whatever be said." 

We hope, for Sir William's own sake, that he was not 
angagod on any of the newspapers of the period, er he would 
have been nnable to maintam his assertions " by single 
combat/* even on the "one down the other come on*' princifMe. 
If we were to give our " answers to correspondents " at the 
point of the swurd, we should (unless we clianoed to be run 
wroit<nrh on the flr&t occasion) have more persons on our 
hands (sometimes in a perfectly literal sense) than we should 
■know what to do with. 

Bat if we, who always speak wisely and truly, should be 
likely to suffer by such an arrangement, what would be the 
&te of others who do neither ! 

Fancy Jerrold, and the viler portion of the writers for 
4lie amailUf having to "maintain whatever ther siud,'* 
'SBppostng that the grosser part alone of their unfounoed asseiv 
ttona4dioukl be objected to. Imagine the writers on German 
^^irs in the Post and Herald haying to answer for their 
^eahminies on Blnm and Bern. 

We think the only way in which itwould be judi<HOUS to 
«pply.the Tirinciple would be by selecting those writers for 
its trial wtm are looked upon by the public as the most 
«minentlr ridiculous of the day. 

'^The ibllowing^ would be the result : — 

llark^Lemou would, immediately after the publioatton of 
his- book (which we shall have nrach pleasure in reviewing 
tiezt wteek), be covered with wounds. 

The writers of pseudo-philanthrophic nonsenoe wonhl be 
annihilated ten minutea after the recognition of the doctrine. 


We hope that the Trench are now very vieil aatisfwid mith 
their February revolution. Their joy aanat: be aams^aff 
extraordinary ; and those, in partiomar,^vho icne wandki 
during the fights for freedom, muat be 'hoaping ahoataii 
Uieir wooden legs in uproarious dehght. To have .got 
of a monarchy — that was a^good step; to ahoataoiiie 
ing ouvriers was not a bad hit; and to wind «p wj 
Emperor without brains-^ia a oonclusian of the moA satia- 
faciory nature. 

One must oertmulr give the French the ovditraf 
a fastidious taste. First of all, thej tried a eitiaa 
growing tired of him, they kicked bun out aad.took.A 
In a short time tliey dismissed the poet aB.«oaUy« 
would aend off an organ-boy from tae doiTy er>* ballad- 
singer from the street, and set up a aeldiar. Bkk ef the 
soldier, tliey have now picked up a ruler wfko is aeiliMr 
citizen-king, .poet, nor soldier, but simply a CmL They 
have endea where another nation would' hwie hapm. 

We feel curious to know how Fnmeeis to^heigoftmad. 
The members of the government beiaff Bebodies, .aadthe 
President at its head beia|g amca^, laad »e Natieaal Aasem- 
bly being at onee elected by ithe people aad HmmtlmMf 
exposed to its opinions* it aeema diffeul^ to aay win iat^ 
govern. And we feel cariotts to Jcnow^^nhat has 'heeerae of 
Uie middle olasaes, who*suBposled CtaaiiBnac; tajaoitf Ae 
Red Republicans, who are lavourable to Socialiam^.aMdaf 
the Legitimists, ivho <aie Qmaidio.boUi. ^We Jkitk -tiiat 
in ihe vaiioaa diaconta:it84>t .these claaeai ^ayefcibe ehnMatu 
of a very,jN>od row; ; and thai Loai&iiapoieen lis 
thatsort ot.atic]f ,. the ixd>bi^g of ^«hieh '^wifMfa 
•eeesaair-to ignite the infliamiahleaMteiaal. 

On tne^rimie, iio. class oy p e wi e mn .haittiet eMaa e p U> 
be pleaaoi with, ibis .last iwiilt.^f tkeiEmmtt undtAm^ 
thaalfcoaaagaiaat vhomihafraaiaUlMn^^taaiiaiiiwUed. 







The '^decirie light " wm last wetk exhibited from the 
capital of the Duke of York's colomD. The creditors of his 
Grace lament that it is the onlj '' cafntal *' eyer likelj to be 
distinct] J shown them. 

Genera] Cavaignae has been hanged in eflSgj at Lyons. 
The general does not mind it an F I u. 

We peroeiTe that there has been another swellins; of the 
Thames. A medical frieod informs us that he is sure it 
would not be a '* white one." 

A medical^Mdl informs ilf ^Mtt ittrnv* is a disease pre- 
valent amongst ^ hiffber clasaer at tlnr present tiitie, 
attended with considerable mnse*; Itme^dhtm arises from 
the censtant sieldtoing intettigeiic^txf tbe«tat9 of their fellow- 
aristecrats abfOod* 

Ferdinand of Aostria^ having abdic«ted, is^dtait to seek 
aB''ai^nm"atPragDew H^cowldjiPt seete i«iy<Mingmore 

hav beevsufleriuK ffom a** 
he iir ittiwill be^OTflUint 

for the 

The TSmm states that die 1km of Iitteid 1^1199% 
wostiaff MSf: Hfiiria only the '*^bme cH sMtentiOB^. it is 

I» flBniiH to tli«' Dake fff^ BhMmifima^s emhMirwM^ 
UMBl^ it: lias bees reMariM. thsl fab sen. theMaromr of 
C H— d bs;> acted like Bwurhe sold hiabktlii^ asd^a 
" OMi»'* u ezehangedlir it. 

The votes hfln% bem cast up, and Lo«is Napfdeon wiB 
be elected. Let the new president beware,, howerrer: we:: 
are much mistaken if lie nimsdf is not shortly cast up as> 
well as the votes, for we are sure that,ef^ loag, France will 
be heartily sick of him. 

An ironmaster has addressed a letter to the Ttnut, to the 
effect that the Bank of England, not content with tbnr 
monopoly of makincrbmdt-Botea, hm lat^, with a greedi- 
ness ^idt would m beooar td hegs^ been dialing exten- 
sively ininnH— pig-iron, of course. 



A 40 sat in Sumui*b half embrace, — 

She half retiring frum the Peeler's arm ; 

And thinking, '* 1 'm afeard, I '11 l<we my place : 
I 'm sure the ' situation ' has its charm ; 

And, oh ! how can I meet my missus' lace ? — 
If Hhe should enter— g«XNlnes8, gracious, nuum ! 

Jnst at these words there stood upon the fluor-^ 

A lady — who had gently turned the door. 


rgMiNrere of that bright transparent bloe, 

WM^ onlj seen in violets and the ocean ; 
A&vataM&^g, sparkling, palpitating hue, 

rtailiaywild flowers, when a stream, in motioi^ 
Bean (AiiWialong ; and on her lips the dew 

to J i q iP^ a f whiteness glittered. I 've a notion^ 
^ ft i 4*i H* ^ ea»dew-droii could in beauty reach 
AfliindMps, except tne moisture on a peach. 


'^lAan,** die Wf sftike, " in one month hence^ 
YiiliiWii Hiy emvUm, hu^sy, be assured. 

Ulaii Pwjyiistki now tto TK) ddience, 
TKnvoar intMitions raia-long inured ; 

Bli wul acquaint^ nn^.wHh each pretence^ 
A^ of my ft>nd creddw^am cured — 

r owe it to my kindness mmay qualms 

Of ososeicaee, that 1 've oriind so many hamsi 


** Wlk t m are tiie hams froflrtwflt Calabria's coast, 
IRhat weeks ago in yMliifrlarder hung? 

IPbsK is the tea, the twMn sstd the toast^ 
TIbe oKves, that a ppit nMit have sung — 

Oil'! wltere are they ?' The Mies, too, the boast 
WacU oar btiM S' t he t ^ imm reindeer's tongue. 

Ah»t.whareaB3tB««stof«t lUteely saw, 

GonettjWtfiii!^rLii^i»»#»iid maw ! " 

%e lad^ ceased^ ani'i^^lw1i>wlfcl u 1 te Ikir 
Tlwir cane ff*pniif«NHMMvwhite^ 

M4U»flMhlrering it ihjpll|t»|<ire air, 
O i 'tw aui e ef a feniAe g lfca Tii a night 

Then, sWhr rose that Pe^<HFibMi his chair. 

And in ins eyes there spaMMMa strange lights 

A liKht, like lava, nisbhii;r t]iiM|||i«the snow 

On Etna's top^ dewn te the filM^bdow. 


Ko word was heard from Susan or the dame. 
He took Ms hat fhm ofl his^nraaly It«>w — 

Let ikil bis cape^and then he««idi ** What skaaie 
Shall light upon that gentle damsel n«w? " 

The lady gased a moment, " Wea 't the saan^^ 
Yes, yes-'-oh, false to every liumaa vow— ^ 

'Tis he ! " Amortal faintntss then came o^er ber, 

JfimU4gmktt i iimeii il thmi $kt —w Ufyfnker! 


The French patriots expross continual wishes (set to 
music) to die for their country. Their only effiHrts, howerer, 
appear to be to live on it. 

One of the papers, speaking of the qualities of the electric 
light latdy exhibited in Trafalgar Square, says, " A gentle- 
man assures U8«tb«tdie conM^nmi^JemMs NewMptr at a 
distance (tf fifty ;fa«tli«fifonrthe4ifi^ itself.*' This we don*t 
beliere. The light is a wondenul one, but it could n*t 
enable the man to do imposnbilities. 


TMrffMb of littttiBe«i^ Napoleon ttm gtimg about, boast- 
iBftthmr He wrote NfrHiaiifest all hiui iS tfi all out of his 
(fmtimmi'l Con si Jiii fatf. wiiat a bu aai iab le trash it is. we 
aw not iB Hr prised «(' it. W hy dt w -f they go about telling 
(eiM^My soBmhing ofi^Mwf^wing sort about him : — 
I ^SbWmi really wastnliimself, we assure you, gentlemen. 
'Redoes not require a nurse at all ; he has giren over slobber- 
ing himself, and does not wear pinafores. You may trust 
him to walk about by himself, without having any apprehen- 
sions that he will fall down. He is not afraid of me cat, 
really ; and has ceased to believe that the moon is made of 
green cheese!*' ^. d&c 

It would be just as rational to claim merit for him on 
these grounds, as on the ground that he wrote his puerile^ 
wishy-washy jtrodamation^. ' ' all himself. ' ' 

Some natietos tiblieveidk>te iofijpiffed; Has French scep- 
ticism (hitherto the most fearless m the world) actually come 
to that pitch. We pause for a reply — and expect, as a signal 
for it, tne ring of a Kepublican musket. 





Hb. Raitawaigh is a plain-BpokeD London merchant, pos- 
aessed of a house in Harlej Street, and likewise of a wife 
and BOTen daughters, with power to add to their number, 
On going to office one morning, he perceiveB iramenae 
placuds, announcing the Sal Miu<iue wiU lake place on the 
IBth, Sow he has an instinctive dread of this peculiar 
Und of Terpaichorean aniuseinent, for lie knows bv expe- 
rience what it costs. Ou looking into the Tinui, tie sees 
that the Sal ia advertiaed there as well. He immediately 
retraces hia steps, and nuhes to tho newsrenders. To 
lus great relief, he Snda the hitter haa not as jet sent the 
matutinal sheet; and thereupon tells him there is no neces- 
sity for doing so until after the ISth. 

He then proceedeth home, and, contrary to his usual 
practice, condoleth with Mrs. Raitawaish on tho state of 
ner nervea. This lady, who hns formerly been n children's 

This has always becm a sore point with Mr. R. ; but 
coming back to-day, he feigna to be struck with her bad 
looks, and asks her how she is. To thia she replies — 
" That, after eating her breakfast (of three rounds of tooat, 
and four eggs, bj-tnc-way), she had felt ' that ' nervous as 
to be under the necessity of rcpoaing on the couch." "Ah! 
mj dear," replies Mr. R., "I think a trip to Richmond 
would do you a rnat deal of good." " On I yea, papa," 
echo the young ladies, "BJchmond ia so romantic — if that 
dear love of a minstrel were ouly there now" — What would 
be the case if he were, we are not destined to leom, a« tho 
conversation is cut short by its being agreed on that Hrs. R. 
and daughters shall proceed to Richmond in the evening, 
Mr. R. supposing that they will then be able to ace none of 
ibopoiteri. In order to be doubly secure, ho himself volun- 
teers to go out and moke a few purchasea of which they 
stand in need. 

On hia retnni from shopping— in the course of which 
process he has been goUty of asking for a yard of the best 
mixed pina, and demanding an ounce of Hui>erior tape, to 

be viaits, and look with supreme contempt on hia ignorance 
—he rather prides himself that he has done the trick. 

But M. Jullien is well acquainted with the human heart : 

on Buch cases as these he lias reckoned. Mr. Rutawaigh is 
aeated on the sofa, very blandly, when he is aroused by his 
eldest daughter's exclaiming, *' Oh, my ! — La I LiEiy — do 
look, pa ! ' on which he goes to the window, and, to his lig- 
nite horror, beholds a monster packing-case, reaching up to 
the first-floor window, placed on four wheels, drawn Dy one 
horse.and profusely covered with announcemeota, in all aorta 
of outlandish letters, that M. JuUien will give a grand Bal 
Jlfoi^ueon the ISth, Raitawaigh at first pretenda not to 
know to what hia daughter alludca, and eiclaims with a 
singularly stolid expression, " Ah, yes, Brown's house ccr- 
tumydoealook better since it has been done up." "Brown's 
house ! La ! pa, I do not mean that." aays the young 
ladv : " do yon not perceive that M. JuUien is going to ^ve 
a Bal Matqui on the 18th ? " "A Sal Maiqui I '^ aoream 
all her aistets in concert, " Oh ! how nice ! " And only 
five shillings to the dreas circle," contlnuea the first yonug 
lady. Mr. R. now tries to change the conversation by 
talking of the different articlee necessary for the Richmond 
trip, and leaves the room to order the carriage. 

This is the very wowt thing ho could ever have done, 
for on re-enterinff, he perceives that a council of war has 
been held in his ahsence. On his alluding to the trip, he is 
informed tliot change, and change alone, can do Mrs. R. 
any good, and that she would soe much more of that at tlw 
Bal Matqui than at Richmond. Mr, R. muttei'S something 
about his not seeing much change out of a ten-pound note 
if they go to the Bat, and then odds, in a louder tone, that 
they are not obliged to proceed to Richmond if they do not 
choose, but that Lbey will go nowhere else. Hereupon Mrs. 
R. says — " This ia too much — she did not think she ^ould 
be Bubiect to this when she took him for better or for 
worse; ' and the young ladies cast reproachful, though 
silent, glances, and, in tones of virtuous mdignation, speak 
at, although not to, him, and tell their mamma " Not to 
miud — that they will not desert her, whatever other people 
ma^do;" the long and short of the matter being, that 
Raitawaigh is at lut regularly bullied into acceding to tlwr 

The intellijient reader will of course understand, that a 
lady bleeaed with anch powerful means of action as weak 
nerves Uke Mrs. R., does not fiiil to convert the places in 
the dresa circle, at first granted, into a private box for sir 
guineaa, and a new dress a-piece for herself and each of the 


A Mahu IifFBOTKT)._We ire t«ld that " To aay little and 

rino mueb ia noble." We beg to loggest, that as lu- u Mr. 
Tandenlwff' is oonoented, it would be preferable to raad the 
phruetbua: "To Belittle and perform Uuiamercirul." 

_Heaven hdpe QiOte who help ^tbonselves, as we said at a 
la ftiE diDuer. 
a %Tuit who imiM nkuse^ Ihun a wife who talts 


T ia (be early tnrd picks up the w< 
that get's picked np by the turd. 

An Iu-foohded TRimfTR. — The Tories an cacklinE 
abont th«r triumph over Radicoliam. These political " babea 
ahonid not bollow before ibey are <rat of the "wood " of 




It b a remarkable tbing» that while Smith can enjoj all 
the delights^ of priracy — while Thompson can return unob 
aerreil to his diurnal chop— while Jones can equable with 
hi^ w& without the-wholtNgartiealDrsr llingr repeated tMlie 
wor)|:^(ttift| ia, to4ihyl<M>jpti8 *a w Uf dbw; anct t^ fmnAymmr 
the waf>«^itia a40BM»ltabl^ tftfiig,.we^Baj».tbat fGa BfairaU 
IlighMn Piter. Albert ««'. Efer ■#1*7 Qhmv Yictetia, 
who oMaMMl^^M court jiublicity^, mm dir notlUmgi Ikm^ 
eveinilMMi,«ithoiit the wbok fiaitMiiluwbeiiqpaMlMtly 
kflivm'. te» a^nmltiiiide of nfBrs oMa w >il i> f wl l aMMvrffrtte 
iipnra^g^ eaeK' iiMn of thrintelligtniice; 

Thft StowwitAHSi^who t»BDt aUogethMT iBiKoiw p ii iP the 
publ^, aargWevw^ioAo tova»youii||glluij^ opitar. a:jDaijr<# 
patent-lliiher hmm, dine MttGreewiiifefav.jpgrii wnMi HIi 

great-gpttdmoiHw about tlWiirt ypiiity olfii— iiin^; Is 
keys, aod all wUiuut the pulflfe ifcwiigtllia iiM|grt susm- 
cion of dfaioeciiRftiice of any iwnmiTdilMiS Until Jlb> so Uts^ 
RoyoL HinJIniMii'and Her Mhjuair. TKbt miglit have a 
We-i^it^m fluinuer dunfreonv.aiia' In six nours afterwards 
the whaJIftOoiWMation would be repeated in the most minute 
detail at aif the tea-tables of Ciapham and Brixton. 

II is said that much information may be gathered from 
the mistakes of others. It is on this principle that we have 
oollaoted the annexed- anecdotes for the instruction of our 
i^eoders: w^'maypremisethat we had them direct from a 
Ittdy,' who hacl^tliera from^ another lady^ who knows some 
one that haa-a^rtend^* " about the palace. " ' We don't know 
whether* our readera^cini be persuaded to beliere the sub- 
joined : if DOt^ l(ft us at the same time assure Uiem that 
*' nonooliiers'aregenuiner 



Pre^'ioud^ to th«inarrifti>:eof His Uo^al Jli^aeia Priiioe Albert 
and ITer Mi\}«8tjr Qoeen Victoria thry were t<igi^th^ at aball, wb^n 
Her MiucstT presented UU Royal Highness with SL^bouquet, Hi« 
Boyal HighneM^ borrowitic: a penknife from a friend, instantly 
maae'sn incifion in the oonar of his cost with the view tof placing 
^mh^ b&uqnei in it. Th»- ineision waa^ howetvr; too large, and he 
Motrdingly repeated the operatioa o» the other side of theoollar, 
bot'ivith no better reealt.. He ultimatelyplaeedthe token -in his 




His Boyal Highness Prince Albert is in the hidiit of ooming 
down late to breakfast One moining ho had rather oTerslept hinh 
self, and did not make bis appearance until after Her Majesty Queen 
Victoria had coromeuoed breakfasting. Some words ensaeid, after 
which Her Miyesty poured ont what lea was remaining in tbe ie» 
pot into her cop, put some water into the pot, let the tea stand for a 
tew minntes, poured out a cnpftd of it, and deliberately threw it into 
the-iaeeof Hts BCyal Hi^mess ; u]x>n his venturing to complain, 
she flung a plate -ot battovd' toast at his head, and intimately rang 
for the senrant to remove her hnshaad and the break&st things. 



One ni^t when both the operas were closed His Royal HU^hness 
Pfinee Albert resolved to go to the pit of the Adelf^i at hal^price. 
AfttT the perft>nnanoe was finished, lie went to the 6arriok*s Head 
to have a chop, and, stof^mg later than* he expected, lost the last 
orniiba* to Pimlioo: Her Majesty Queen Victoria, annoyed at her 
iHisband stoppiiig oat so litte^- told tbte serranito lock the door, pnt 
the chain up, and f^o to bed. 

In the mettM^W His Re^ I^^juM* had.takenatoaK t«Hing 
the driver t» give ♦him, a* shiWiag's- worths' towards Bafiki^gham 
Pidaoe, Whsa the cab asrif^d at ita.dsstinatioB there was no 
}¥»sibilily^ of knocking the people un, and His Boyal Higbnoii was 
obl^gl^ to sleep in the conveyance all night 




It is itUfuette atihe palaae baUi farBmrm^e^ httself to give 
the invitcteoa^ ta the p^raa with -whom she wishes to dance. On 
one occasion. Her Mt^esty being with<Hit a partner, commanded 
His Koyal Highness Pnnce Albert, who was dancing the polka with 

Lady , to oome to her. In a few minutes she left PHnce 

Albert awl oenmaiKM Prince Geovgrof C amh rid g er to leave his 
partner aad dance with her. Subseqoeatly ahe stopped Lord Alfred 
Paget, took him awi^.from his partnei; aad daansd with 
lon^ as her caprice lasted. 


The Showman presents the puUic with a ^nopas of Ik* 
contents of the wark bearing the above title. Tbegr Mtdtm 
follows :— 

OiAFTBR L-*Leave8 ton fliliNot»4)oaKr6ra 

CbAFEWrJL— Paasages^yom iStm Diaix«Aa lata RtuKiSfli 
Q^AraMEIL^A Crisis m thi<gfc>sffB«p oCTiJIi nuiiliVs 

CaigiiwM-ftges from tfirAktDifttfti hdjij itfTaiCRniiiiifii 
wHb>«i£b likr^h hbiTluL 

CHAFTe&Hit^^-JN Wiftaad I, or Howwe fe&iaiA4b». (fiasm- 
Jng.^ ^TsSaburfaaa' Earwig. 

OaukPTMrVE-^y PsreBtai Bxperienoa^ ByrDad^LomAegs. 

(fmmmm'^m.r^lLymagfi at Home. Bf a mmBf: ^itk* 

GaAgrfflr\HL^Bceollectieas4)f thaJWdnrafciimi^Ctti^ %a 
Bug;, wiu ksew it weiU 

CHAitntJg^— GsMwigii hmmtf, ar7af00lmn^USk B|9ts& 

Chapter X.— A Oiiisg 5amrtif»*«rthe Chiei*^ 

which I experienced atthe*Hands of Charles Dickens^ Esq. 
By the '* Cricket on the Hearth." 


How mad 'tis to wander, if Sol chaace to sbina 

Upon the mihealthy and black Serpentine;^ 

Si'e ! the dull noxious haie n oxious hase^ 

Which his beams from the thickr waters raise; 

And no more on its banks shall therashrmortal-ronn^ 

For stiff on a stretcher they 'U cwny himiibiBft 


Q. What is tlie difierenoa httween a lair stailoiNr nmk 

A, While the lattsr maralj ongrsason- tka^ dsed%. &•> 
fonner engrosses the profits* 


We pots^ve that the publisher of a-, ftrthsomiiig. work 
entitled King Dobhs, after entreating the public attention to 
the author in several sentences of great power and beauty, 
ends by calling him the *' Charles DidEensof the Ocean." 

There is something very grand in thusdividing^thewodl 
(as the books on geography sav) into land and water for tfaa 
especial aoconmiodatioo ot autnOTs. It will put an and. to & 
great deal of rividry and jealousy, and jgraduaily tlfes vanoua 
schools of literature will merge into the two gfxad ones of 
" bluejackets " and '* land lubbers :" there may he aolasa 
between tlie two, and known as '* Amphibious,*^ but the two 
great divisions will alwavs remain toleirably distinct* 

Before tlie '* blue jocKet *' sdiool is regularly started, wo 
should reoommend the selection of a separate sea for each 
writer. The ** Charies Dickens-of the Ooean " is ambitioas, 
and all will not be equally succes^ul. Many of them must 
rest contented with a " North Sea reputation/' cnr" a nama 
which extends from the Buoy at toe Nora to Boulogpa 

We ahould also suggest that each *' blue jadcet " writer 
ahoald- adopt a distinctive title, in imttaUon cf^ attractisa 
one to which we have called attention. If this plan wess 
acted, upon,, wo should in a. few years have, a^ periodiesi 
annottiK^ with articles by ** the niost-emi&entwritenu)C4ha 
sea," including:— 

'< The Cavlyloof the Caman." 

« The Maaaiday of thrMaditamoMani" 

" The k Beokett of the Baltie.*' 

"The Angus Reach ofthe Red Sea." And 

« The Albwt'Smith^thvrSonMdf" 


"PUFTET-iSHOflPracAK 0* the Paeifi^" 

These new names will also hare th^ adhmtage'ofbpeniiip 
a new field for the cultivation of 'sarcasm,, and <^onuderable 
effeet bus already beeir piodaeed by stt^gniAisia^; a rnii^ 
sensible young man as the 

BUI Jerrold of the Bosphorus.' 







A*9azr GtniPABlSON.—riPf^le reckon ^p theanmenmsooca- 
tlons on which France^ Gtettmaf, Italy, .aixI Auateia hare .btely 
hem aBiiQtnced to be "in tlie uooes of a great and momentous 
cnn^** and oompare their namber with the price of the paper in 
which such annoonoements appeared, we shall find that, as m the 
ease at Qreen which on Saster llondaj, we have at least got " throe 
throes a-pennj." 


I ARiSElivomiik«ai» of thee. 

In the%%t««w€et sleep of n^ht ; 
When the oyiter-^ope are closing. 

And the aafcUmpe burning bright 
I arise from drionB of thee. 

But A 60, on hi»^eat. 
Has led me — who kiwws why ? — ' 

From thy chamber>»window, sweet ! 


At the last sessions held at Upton-on- Severn, a barber, of the 
name of J. Layton,^pearedtin court as the criminal, while 
the curate of the pamh, the Rev. Mr. Kent, was the accuser. 
The prisoner's ofifeuee^as, no doubt, of a most heinous de- 
scription, since it could move a person of the sacred profes- 
sion of his prosecutor — two of the principal articles of whose 
craad.Are chanty and forgiveness — to come forth Mpainst 
him. Aye ! it was, indeed, of a terrific nature ! "rmd he 
stolen ? ' asks the reader ; " or committod mucdsr ? " or 
no, you would neyer..£iifi8S — he had shaved va customer on 

If a man consults his own natural good sease, it^wHl tell 

lum that there can be no, great harm in shaving a nerson «n 

'Sunday momiij^g ; but the Rev. Mr. Kent, either havhig no 

'natural good sense to consult, which we ahonld think hiffhly 

Erobable, or being above such a plebeian proseeding— 'whicb 
ttle bit of pride would agree so well with his sacred calling 
— consults nothing but an old superannuated statute of 
CfanlesX, by- which the-shaving of aae-man by:sB<ytlMr on 
Sunday, is certainly a puniaiialNe offense. 

^Biit Jf "tiK Rev. Mr. Kent revives «ie<4kWiiid and tmre- 
peskd sMote of Oharies I. , why not revive all ? As - the 
vrisonsF'S Wal^adviser told him, ke^woilM have plenty: to do. 
If he eonsfut the arehives, he would find that u person may 
be midcted £bO for wearing brass buttons instead of clotn 
ones. Why does not the Rev. Mr. Kent profit by this 
discovery ?^ Why does not he have some hundreds of 
thousand circulars printed and. sent round to all the Brum- 
magmn brass button-makers,- add also to those of his friends 
who indulce in pages with ■hliston soils, and the two usual 
rows of buttons down Ae^ltOBt ? Oh! Rev. Mr. Kent, 
what a field is open for yowr eMrtisosiiere. What a har- 
vest jou might glean by abstaining from prosecuting, on 
condition that jfidusffending brass l)utton- wearers should 
pay you a car tain sura. You would collect a vast deal of 
money, reversiAi sir, and as, of comwe, -self-aggrandisement 
is not your end, you could found some 'Soeietv with a high- 
sounding name, merely retainin«^fi9r*<y0Dr trouble the post of 
secretary, with a salary pro]Kirtioiiate <to your merits ; and 
as these, in yoar own idea, athsa^, are doubtless great, you 
would not be suck a loser after all. 

3at if the Rev. Mr. Kent object 'Jo Jtne man shaving 
another on Sunday morning, he may, pedi^ps, object to his 
shaving himself — there is out one step frenkthe first to the 
last of these two actions ; and if he ^Ijjeet to a man shaving 
himself, he will, of course — and with equal reason — be averse 
to his brushing his hair, or cleaning his teeth, or washing 
his hands; whHe as ta any individuals daring to polish his 
boots or beat-out his coat, such a thing would, of course, 
fMnrer enter his head. 

^ XbeiiMt .18, -Myevend sir, if we were to folbwioutiyonr 
principles, instead of appearing on S«iiday in a nManer be- 
fitting the solemnity of the c&y, as much as lay in our 
power, and dressing with more care and. attention thant on 
ordinary occasions, we should be walking about like a set of 
savf^l^es, uncombed, uhbrushed, unwa.shea, as dirty and dis- 
^goaXufg As.»aie ,the .tnoks whieh 8e«e;pei3Bon3 a«e»|palty of 
ic^Mtfn yqpalarity. 

tlrnii is. no dsubt that your persecution of Uie barber 
(has readerod you famous among the tea-drinking, soaadAl- 

lovinyoM- do w a ger s of the {Haoe in which you reside. Your 
wi^ of ** achievini^ greatness " there, ban, no doubt, been 
fulfilled. But this, in the Showman's opinion, is not enough 
for your merits, and, ofusetinmtly, you shall " have great- 
ness thrust upon you." Your fame shall not be confined to 
a little country place : ( tJie €how7Kan has taken you by the 
hand, and on the banks of the Ganges, in the back woods 
of America, in the mines oT Australia, amid the snows of 
Siberia — in one word, in all.^places where the Puppet- Show 
is read, sball your name become . a ." household word." 
-Eratostratus'ficeid the' Temple of the ^phesian Diana, that 
he might be known to posterity : he is so — as the greatest 
specimen of overweening vanity that ever lived. You , per- 
secuted the barber, and instead of being celebrated in the 
annals of Uj^ton-ou- Severn werdy,-. as, perhaps, mights have 
been yoiir^ect,^you.sliail be kinded down to future ages 

as tfaie greatest iustnnee on reoord of r<tf — -^have rou 

ever, in thecuuvee^of y«ur -reading, ^roreredd nr, met witli 
the expression, ".'SBOftt'Sgre^ous stupidity? " 


The report which appeared in our journal, some time»ago, 
of the preliminary .pioceediDffs in the Dickens' XfosAPi'ieiG 
case, naturally attracted much ^bttention. Mr. Juuius^Li bcl , 
as^stedr^y a select committee, is now. prosaeuting the innniry. 
A di^at^Ail attempt .to bribe. the Showman was miwe iy 
some interested party, wboLSenthim a^MS.' letter of Chatter- 
ton's (once in toe possesMon of 'Sir H. F-;— ), and a -ring 
that had. glittered on the third fip^.of L'Enoloe. 
With a pang, the splendid temptations wem returned. Duty 
triun^plied ! (As for. the' vulgar fellow whcsent to the villa 
a dosen of Madeira «a .barrel • of oystars, ' two iein-d«ers' 
tongues, and a boar's head, to tempt His Hoaoru, 'he is 
hereby informed that he is looked on with unutterable scorn 
and contempt — and sJiall nollmve the articles back — ^in order 
: that lie may be^hdyjraniifatd ! ) 

Tkeukiona^iiis inqnfryhae^^^ other ^myest^tions ; 
and •kargesoi^disnoiiesty-'^from the highway robbery of a 
great Mea-downtto' the petty IsTceny 6i . a bad pun-^will be 
shortly^ faxiught-againstnuuiy'liteniry individuals. 

For example,' Mr. 'Di6ksns will be t:haiged with appro- 
priating the iaea inthe thiill stanza of.Macaulay's Baulc of 
the Lake RegHltu, and availing himself of it in the ofsning 
chapter of the Battle qf JL^e. 

Sir Edward Bulwer Lytton will be called to account for 
availing himself of a metaphor of Carlyle's in his Zanoni^ 
and one of Dr. Johnson's (from his masterly Preface to 
Shakspere) in Harold. If convicted, the Baronet will 
have a severe sentence (from a nhilijmip) inflicted; for, what 
excuse for stealing «an be rnnde {Sfiwienieh'? Who would 
sjrmpathize with a Lord Maysr«liHcrg^ with walking ofi' 
with a leg of mutton ? 

Several articles sf Te mij ws ii 's f have ' begn ?found in the 
possession of Master GoventfvTPatmsre {vykQ/LUian), but it 
13 said Uiat he will be lenkwy dsidtfwith, %mi the score of 

An inquiry will alsO'beinMde Into the following point;>, 
about which tnere is sonte-suspicion of guilt in the mmds of 
the Puppet-Show CoMMissittiixRs : — 

1. How much of Mr.'.Tfasticemy*B morality can be traced to the 
writings of Carlyle ? 

2. How roach of D*lBifteli*8 hero-worship to ditto? 

3. How much of Smith's Mr, Ledbury can be traced to Paul 
de Kock ? 

4. What has Mark Lemon stolen from Tom Thumb and Jack 
and the Bean Stalk T 

'6. How-monv metaphors, thoughts, and suj^gettions, has 
Douglas Jerrold helped nimself to'frora Engli^h writers, from the 
day^ of Marhiw to those of Addison ? ( See, infer alia, the woiks^of 
JcgroB^ Taylor jmd Dr. Dsime^) 

6. Wheredhedeace tsthew(41of En^iMi <A»6le(1, from which 
some of the wur^ yoaog scribblers (coe in paiiioslar>»a«tfhitve 
stolen their turud baldesdssh ? 

N.B. The Commission sits dailv in the offices, Corzon 
Street, J\minal«ibel,.£s((.,in tb&ebair. 
N.N.B.B. two FM. 

Sucn IS Life ! — Who would have expected that such a 
poor sinner -as Lows Napoleon would bave been4leclared 
** one of the <?/<«?«;" 

' I 




OTFICKR (SI^).— It U not Maj tc tell his raiment from bU 
nnifcrm, which is fl-equeatlj ■ compoand of the McoutremeiiU of 
• dragoon, A rlflemui, & rnaiine, and ti lancer. He is -parti- 
cnUr, however, iboat wearing; white duclu ; that ii to mj, 
dncki more or less white. He ii alwftjt in lore with the farce 
iadj : 1m hu alwavi inl > •mtrt tiger, uid eeiMTkllT 

eomee npun the itige iuit before tlw coitaiii bill, leadii 
Tonng Imj turw»ii, when both of tha bU m their kneea 
Mbre the ebderio micle, fiither, ot guardian, and oonlfe«a that 

the; hare been married oi 

qnite three minntei), aftei . .._. ..._, _ , 

lorgiTeneia and bleMing, which tliejr nerer hil to 

the diKomflture of the OMnio lorer, who evinoei hi* grief hj 

i^ieakiiig a ftuu j tag. 

0. P.— The initial letten of " Opposlla Frainpt," generally mean- 
ioB the right-liand ude of the atafft^ leiAing to the audience. 
The exprcHJon 0. P. ia prindpal^uaedbfKentlemen who are 
ud hahiti than theft- 

; the b 

ttage iirafdj a* tlw light and left. 
Order. — A oomplimentaiy admiiaien, nied bj _ 

critical and approring auditnoeg, and bj newspaperi to aecote 
eligible adTertiaen. Aa a gcoJ^il rnle^ the people who an best 
abb to afibrd pajing, are tboee who are moat itrenoODi in the 
porsoit of oners* 


!• ftr dkaradcr 

^ , __ "itMng" and 

. ^ Thus, threwmg abont wren chairs and t<ro 

tables ; hiding in a cnpboard, and fiim«liiny ^H the crockerj ; 
kicking Paul Bedford in an inh^iffiai* manner ; Muaehing a 
bahjj winking at particaUrpec^ in the }nt and binee; and 
occaaionallv sajing, "Ab, Jack, thingg isn't ai therusedto 
was" — all these proeesaee, we aaj, constitnle Hr. Wright'* 
notion of a " itrong pari." When an actor !■ perftet in the 
text of a character — a rare phenomenon — he is said to be 

Flag lARIBM.— Apply to Mr. Dion Bonrcicault, or. indeed, to 
almoet aaj drumntie celebrit; of the day, all <rf' whom are 
perfectlj competent to giro the Deoeaiar; inmmatitm. 

PlO^. — An article of French origin— never mann&ctured in this 
coimtr;. See "La France DtHnatiqne," and Ifngenfa Uic- 

POIKT. — The barb of a ^olce. Hanv modenr jokes ntutt be ex- 
ceedind; cutting, for in m skiKiil a manner are the; tdpored, 
that the pomt is polbcU; invjiible. 

who hare forgotten 
is general!; " 
Ifanyof 01 
of a pistol. 

r leyp "! their parts. The 
■"^ 'm in a Hajmarkel 

lallj' woodered how t . , 
M pat at a particular jono- 

is gencrall; the principal ^^^cttt in a* Hajmarket' revival. 
If an; i^ our reaoers have oaflnlonall]' woodered how the report 

tore in » plaj, the above rcpreaentation will probaUy Mdi^ 

" PBuinno-KjnPE — A Ja£dons ^iplication of the," stna^j 
reeommended bj morning paper critics, when they hare betn 
kept bj a new [uece later than Uu^ wished— from a pleasant 

PROPERTr. — Ad7 implement nscd upon the stage. Thni^ an 
actor ma; sa;, with perfect truth, that he has '"a fine p rope rt v 
down in Yerkahire" — meaning only, a Boman hdmet whico 
he left in pawn at Leeds. 

QnsBN (Tragedy > — Qenerally alu^tpycompoandof Hra, Siddona 
as the tragic mose, and a cheMemonga-'s wifo actdding the 
maid-of-all-work foe forgetting to bring in the beer. The 
tragedy queen is remarkable for the lengu of ha train et rattan 
velvet, and the brillianoe of her crown of poreat Irass; Sbe 
walks acroea her royal balls making a short pause aftm- every 
stride — B mode of proKreESion whic^ wc presume, is practised 

Quid pro Qco.—X snm of £BO0 for five aets of mblndi, called 
the "Prize Comedy." for further particular^ ^)pl7 to Kr. 
Webrter or Mrs. Gore. 

PBOFOUKD Obsbrtatidr.— Bemarking onee, to a IHend of 
oars, that men rarely stick to each other cwdialty b the literal? 
profession — " Ye^ " he said, " there are plenty of kriab^ bat 
there's no morlar! " 



OsNBiUL Rule for Poor People.-— If you happen to have 
lay rdadons in India or Au8trdn«1io hare amas^ laree fortuneii, 
«eMe to re^pret they arfrflo fiir ^i7» and to Wi^h hr ioMr^retum, 
as dieir doag >«o wcnB not alter tne state of things in the least. 
miey woold m qoite as distant then as they are now; 


Those readers of ihe Puppet- Show whose Lares are planted 
in the metropolis, ma^r hare observed now and then about 
its streets a set of individuals who obtrude, in the most offen- 
siyely unobtrusive and modest manner, their woes upon the 
passers-by wi^ a view of exciting their pity and charity. 
This is wnat is familiarlj termed doing the "shabby-genteel 
dodge." Of late years it has not been so popular as it once 
was, but it is now beginning to reciter itself from the 
desiMtode into which it had fallen. 

The Showman has been, for the last twelvemonth, inti- 
mately acquainted (by sight) with a fine specimen of the 

The individual referred to does not patronise any locality 
ezclu^vely; but with a fine feeling of impartiality, highly 
creditable to his heart as a man, and his judgment as a 
speculator, now takes up his station at Temple Bar, then in 
Leicester B^piare, while on some ether oeeasion he ma^ be 
seen in the suburban district of Pentonville, or the ansto- 
cratic region of Belgravia. 

^ As regards his appearance, he is always habited in a 
suit of very rusbr black, hrushed scrupulously clean, with 
several very visible dams artisticallj; aisseminated over its 
surface, the too j^reat monotony which nothing but dams 
would produce being agreeably diversified by a piece most 
artbtically let in to the right knee of his trowsers, and 
anoth^ on the leftelbow of his coat. His hat boasts a crape 
band; his neck an intensely white and Methodist parson- 
looking cravat ; Kis boots, which are resplendent with Day 
and Martin, or it magr be Wusen, are each omainented with a 
large and conspicuous fMUoh. His inward man is constantly 
immersed in tbaugphi. This is pvoved by the fact that his 
eyes are invariablv riveted on theground, and that he is so 
unconscious of wtat be ia aibocit, that although his is that 
sort of modest bashful distnasa which shuns the gaze of men, 
be somehow or other is-aUvays to be found in the most busy 
thoroughfiu^. Another stvoi^g aigument in fi&vour of his 
oblivio«siiess is, that whenever iiny one gives him anything, 
be always forgets to oSsr them in return any of the sticks 
of sealing-wax, or h<»B8 (^matches, or any other light and 
|;entlemaBly, although hnokUey imetehaadise which he has in 
Eis hand, of c<|iii«e, fsraaln. 

B«t lAte most extrasndinarr ciretmntaaee «bout the sub- 
ject of this sketch is the £Mt«iat his hat, boots, and clothes, 
seem imnMrtal ; for wh3e the Showmak, who rather prides 
bimself ^B being careM with kit elothes, has worn out two 
frock-coats, one paletot, sue pairs of lrowsers« three hats, and 
boots innuMeraDle, his sbaoby-geBleel aoqoaintance seems 
still to have the aame «htning trowaeiB with the already- 
nentioBed nece, Ibe ideaAtciu ^oee wHb the identical 
patdies, aad the ^diwvm hat^band with the self^same 

STow this oap only be aeeaiint^ for by two snppositions : 
ihe first of wkieh is, that Ifce shabby-genteel individual is 
an impostor, tmd never bas a sew coat except it be very old, 
and jpatfdMd, mad chnved, after the most alms-ezciting 
modal; and *^ ^second is, that be has discovered some blue 
and black reviver of the most extensive and extraordinary 
powers, which oomplatdy Mt tbe savages of time mi de- 

li this be the ease, and it most be, imless we adopt the 

first proposition and look upon our shabby-genteel 

an irap4»Btor, which would be ^menosterous, the Showican 

wofdd venture to stiggest that the snabbv-genteel individual 

aboidd ofSer his secret to Government, wno would, no doubt, 

be li beral for once, and buy it for the benefit of the poor 

wietdies of lawyers' and otoer derka who rd> thttr eoat- 

I aleevfis threadbare in wri^ff twelve hours a da y for ^80 a- 

;jQar; l^.doiiQ^ this the shabby* genteel iadivkbial afoesaid, 

•would be doing a consideralde serme to agraat ovmber of 

Ibia fMlow MS P, and wodUl ako-enjoy -tfaeidmaiit jtAecthn 

wi bSa MSMess bad sewn the seeds of a good harvest lior 


Sbeminq CoNTRADionOM.— *Ti at first sight appears to be an 
impossibility, that many of the box-keepers and otncr ofBpials at 
ihe difitrent theatres sliould faawrstainad then' mtaations so Imig, 
when the bills annoonoe "new af^iatmeati" oa the «ociyion of 
e¥ery firesh pieee prodnoed. 

Advice to Bashful Tonifo Hjen.— T^m go dovn in the 
ooontry to the villa of vonr intended's father. Yon are al<me with 
the Uk\T one in the garden after dinner, and would fain whisper into 
her ears those veify soft nothings which lovers delight m, but you 
are -afhiid the rest of the jcorapany will see what yon are about. 
In this case, the best thing yon can do is to get her to walk by yon, 
while yon are seized with a sudden fit of improving the paths -with 
the gardeQ-roUer. This will set inqoisitivie gfcu^ at dtiianoe, 
and pmvB an admirable roUer-bliiid. 


!M. JnLLiEH*8 asmual series of concerts has now cIowmI. 
One of the principal novelties, asall London knows, was **God 
save the Queen,* played by four military bands, in addition 
to M. Julian *s usual orchestra. A new ** French Quadrille*' 
was also advertised, but never performed. 

The fact is, music has now become connected wirtip^itics. 
and dilHtantuiam will henceforth be divided into Whig and 
Tory. That F. M. (frightful muff) the Duke of Wellington 
was applied to fioo* permission to allow the military bands to 
join M. Jullien. The F. M. refused. He would not permit 
Uer Majesty's soldiers to be connected with a man who \}\\r- 

Sosed bringing out a quadrille founded upon such horridly 
emocratic airs as La Mar^enaise and Afourirpour la Patri^, 
Besides, M. Jullien might have seduced them into his scr- 
Tice in order to aid in the performance of the obnoxiou;) 
music, and then the trombone of aristocratic Britain would 
have had to breathe forth the revolutionaiy sounds of demo- 
cratic France, the opheideide would have .snorted the most 
republican noises, and even the clarionets and flutes would 
have been forced for a term to throw off their allegiance to 
the English Sovereign. 

This could never be tolerated, and it was ultimately 
arranged that mutual concessions should be made. The 
F. M. allowed the bands to attend the concerts, and M. 
Jullien consented to withdraw the offending quadrille from 
his programme. The diplomatic tal^it evinwdl on this occa- 
sion by M. Jullien is spoken of as somethitig extraordinary. 
It is understood that it M. Jullien will condescend to acctpt 
the office, the French Republic intend appointing him am- 
bassador to the English Court. 

Now, as the F. M. objects to the military bands perform- 
ing revolutionary quadrilles, we presume he will not tolerate 
their taking any part in operas of a similar tendencjr. As 
the F. M. is a person who professes to act upon principle as 
opposed to expediency, we are surprised that he ever could 
have allowed any members of military bands <there a^ many 
of them in our theatrical orchestras) to assist in the per- 
formance of William TeU^ where the people actuaUy rise in 

In the French qoadrilfe we mav^y bad a cani^OHition 
founded upon airs which were sung to words which ex- 
pressed a sentiment to the «&ct that it Is '« very fine thing 
to die for one's country. In Wiiliam Tdl we hiate an lop- 
nressed people rising againat * tyraminial govcfbor. We 
nave the same in MauanieUo, and many other operas. Even 
in La Favourite there are some disrespectful wonds uttered 
in reference to a king ; and when Buprez threw down his 
sword and exelmmea, ** Je jmis braver le roi,** the action 
was certainly not perfbrmea with that courtesy which the 
F. M. would have deemed requisite towards a royal per- 

As the military musicians will, of course, be no longer 
permitted to plajr in the <H*che8tra of any of onr theatres, 
unless the entertainments be of strictly monarohial tendency, 
ibeir earnings will be much diminished. In consequence of this, 
a very great deal of bad feeling prevMls, and we hear that a 
young drummer, who has on& latdy gone into service at 
St. George's barracks, intonda leaving ms situation, and has 
actually made up bis mind to gii^ia month's warning to the 

The (Toe-and-)healiro A^r.-^TheF^ilka. 




Ths above title has been taken from the Mam in the Moon, 
and asjt has taken a great manj better things from us, we 
don't mind confessing our pUgiarism. But to come to our 
" subject" — which we mean to dissect according to rule 
as soon as we have nothing better to do-^Hans Uhristian 
Andersen has been writing a book, containing a chapter full 
of sentiment about the loss of a button. 

Now we do not want to imitate the noodles of the drama, 
and to^ raise a cry about the realms of the British talent 
being invaded bj the foreigner ; but, at the same time, we 
cannot aUow a puling writer to escape, merdv |||9cause he is 
a Dane; or, as the Fleet Stre^ Buffoon would sajr, although 
he is a Dane, we will expose him to public dis-dain. 

Every one who knows anything worth knowing knows 
that we have " a soul above buttons ; " but on the present 
occasion we propose to stoop, like Andersen's unfortunate 
hero, trusting always that we shall not cause any dismem- 
berment of our nether clothing, and lose the hand of some 
fair heiress who may be on the look-out for us, as was the 
fate of the wretched creature above alluded to, and who 
stooped, not to conquer, but to be conquered by his rival — 
that great and deservm^r man, who preserved his pantaloons 
in an integral state ! We will then descend and throw into 
our own amusing operadc form that twaddk which Hans 
(we cannot call nim Christian) has already told in very 
smous prose. 


Dramatis Per$9iUB, 

Skipkins, a F^ol, 

Snob KIN t, a Bully. 

&AMAH ScBoaciNt, A vulgat Coquette (engaged to Snipkink). 


ScsifS. The Emtranci to a BaU'toowu 

Enter SlIIPKIKS ht very tight trowsere. 


With Mme misfortune I am always cnrst, 
I fear my pantalooni will shortly burst 


Where is mj Sarah, 

When will she come? 
But, alas ! I 'm so nerroos 

That I shall be dumb— 

£ 'en if she come. 


Oh no ! for now my braces are longer, 
Joy ! joy ! for now my hopes are fir stronger. 
Oh ! wit, through thee how altered the case is 
For thou hast tSd me to let down my braces ! 
My wit hath told me to let down my braces. 


Ship. Sarah, come, in me, yoor lonre, oonfidnig. 

Where till now, my dear, have you been hiding? 

SaSAH. Pray, Mr. Snipkins, do not make too free ; 
What warrants yon in speaking thns to me ? 

Snip. {ReeU., aside.) What, &lse! than that I 'ithink 
That she had taken too nraoh drink ! 


Are the stars but deoeptioos-^ 

The clouds all my qre? 
Is the moon only moon:dune. 

And humbug the sky ? 
Yet easier far such belief should be mine. 
Than belief in the falsehood thej whbper is thine^ 

Saiuh. {Agitate.) 

Ah, no ! thy fears are fiilse. 

The rumours are untrue ; 
True as the needle to the pole, 

So true aip I to you. 


Sarah) r g^.^ \ 

and V Now no more hi | Snipkms \ ^**'****"ft 


Hush ! I hear the music's call. 
Let us haste to join the balL 



Let them haste io join the ball, 
Snipkins* pride shall have a fidl ; 
Snipldns soon his teeth shall gnash, 
I wul/ettle Snipkins* hash. 

(Con cnima i firtiseime.) 
Tes, I will settle Snipkins' hash. 


Scene. A BelUroem. 

The Behea-mia* FoUta U heard in the Oreheeirtu 


Hark ! those strains so jojr-in^iring; 
All the noble guests admiring, 
To begin arc now desiring. 

Snipkins appears. (Agitato.) 

Bage! despair! delirium tremens I 
I am thrown upon my beam-ends I 
When I stooped to tie the sandal 
Of mj Sarah, passed that Vandal 
If omd Snobkins. I, excited — 
All m^ ho|)es of Sarah blighted-* 
Bose m furious haste: eftsooni, 
Spoiled were my pair oC pantaloons? 
MMj that button oe aoonrst 
Wluch from off my trowsers hont ! 

Sajkah appears. (Fhaee.) 

Why, sir, look yon like a goose? 
Would you, then, play Ait and koiet 
Yon 're engaged for tnis next danoe ; 
Oome^ then, for I see the glance 
Of four rival is upon me— 
Eren now he, perhaps, hath wun as; 
And unless yon come at onoe^ 
I shall cut so dull a dunoo. 

Snipkins. Beally, We, I feel so iU, 

I can't ccmform unto thy wilL 

(Aside.) Curse my braces, curse my buttons, 
Cursed be my pantaloons ; 
Doubly, treU V cursed be Snobkins^ 
Sanh will be his^ eftsooos ! 

Saras. Now, fivewell, thou never shalt he mme; 
And, of course^ I never will be thineb 


Chorus and Finale^ 

Curse his braoes, curse his buttons, cursed be h» nsniakNiBs ; 
Curs'd be Snipkms, curs'd be Snobkins^ who w3l many her. 

• lhs Boh ^■ ■^ iPblta^co^llpe^edfor<iU•^tol^^^^^ffofUieanrt»c^a^ 
•ad ihoitly to be published ml the Puptit^Sbow Offiee. 

Abortiye Attbmpt at Self-Aoorandizembnt. — ^A mem* 
ber of the Whittmgton Club says that proverbs and maxims are 

'-— * '"imbug, fc- ^^* ^'— — ^ ^^ ^ '^ • 

nd^ tli< 

pomt of shakmg 

everv morning for the last six months, he is not a whit more 
wealthy than when he began. On tiie oontraiy, he is rather out of 
pooket^ having had to pay for sondiy drams swalkmed by his 
semestral and Uibemian acquuntanoes. 



hf Qmemou Vtcnow, at Um OMm «r tk* _^ 
St. ClMft Dmm, la to* Ctuttiy of IfMdk—T ; 
Mid OwMB VicuM al Om OAcc of Tisatollt BrottMra »mA Co. 
FImC BInH, lathapuiili of St. BrU«, la th« Cily of Lmimu 




r.-iz: — rf 



Chapter VII. 

TOMKINS thus continued :— 
" Myconference with Junius 
was for a time put an end to by 
tlie appearance of our Croesus. 
His business with the journal, 
as I have preyiously explained 
to you, was to be restricted as 
much as possible to the noble 
duties of paymaster. He was 
not even to have a seat in our 
councils : the Chancellor of the 
Exchequer was, on this occa- 
sion, to be excluded from the 

*' It has been observed, that 
the process of establishing the 
unity of a journal, generally 

was brought out under a new name, for a single week.) The 
journal was then suppressed by the printer — those infernal 
printers insist on having their bills paid — ^but, like a Phoenix, 
it rose from Uie ashes of copy which was contained in the 
wast^aper basket What was I to do ? I was obliged to 
live. Wits might not '' see the necessity of it,'' but I differed 
from them. 

" 'As a last resource, I determined to adopt philanthropy. 
It is too often a refuge for the destitute, and even something 

ends in a violent quarrel between all and each of the 
contributors. It appeared probable that this great truth 
would find a fi-esh illustration in our case, for Rowdy 
Skribbel became obstreperous, and actually maintain^ 
that he had a right to a voice in the arrangements, 
liis arguments were at first upset, one by one, as he 
brought them forth, until at last he hinted at the possibility 
of his withdrawing his pecuniary support. Junius then, in 
a very ingenious manner, took another view of the question, 
and proved in the most satisfactory manner, that he had all 
along been deeply penetrated with the absolute necessity of 
Skribbel aiding him with his valuable advice. 

"It having been once settled that Skribbel was to be 
allowed to hazard a remark as to the best means of spending 
his own money, Junius set about discovering some way of 
efiectually preventing him from the exercise of the valuable 

Erivilege. After a few moments* consultation (with himselO. 
e determined, in the very teeth of his late concession, to 
assume absolute authority, and, in accordance with this 
resolution, stood up and said something of the following 

nature : — 

" * The Scorpion is dying ! The Scorpion must not be 
suffered to expire I The question then naturally arises, how 
is the Scorpion to be saved ? 

" * A new Scorpion may always be obtained by the outlay 
of a large sum of money. Our sympathies, however, are with 
our old and cherished Scorpion, to which we have become 
more attached in proportion as it has become more feeble. 
Besides, while we nave not sufficient money to create a new 
Scorpion^ we have quite enough to procure that sustenance 
and medicine which are required by the old one. Our 
intention, then, having been formed, let us at once consider 
the means for carrying it out. 

" * I have at various times sought for an expedient to 
save a dying journal. It is a philosopher's stone which has 
yet to be discovered, and perhaps it is better for the public 
that it should be so. However, I have made numerous 
attempts. I have given away pianos at the rate of one to 
every thousand subscribers (I never had more than nine 
hundred, so that I was quite safe). I have presented a 
journal and a hot cross bun to every purchaser in Easter 
week, and have raffled gigantic plum-puddings amongst my 
supporters at Christmas. During these periods, the paper 
would sell ; but as the purchasers never made their appeajtmce 
at any other time, I have horrid suspicions that they ate the 
buD. but didn't read the journal — that they forgot the 
merits of my articles in the excellence of the pudding. Of 
course, I deci«k d that I would never again appeal to the 
brutal apj)etite of the mob. I reflected that England was a 
commercial countiy , and determined to interest the public in 
the success of my speculation. I offered to make every 
subscriber a shareholder in the paper to a certain amount. 
Would you believe it ? No one would accept the munificent 
proposition ! 

•"I then appealed to the political feeling of the country. 
I announced tnat my paper had been suppressed by the 
GFOvemment. Injured ministers ! Libelled cabinet ! Not 
one of the senate had ever seen a copy of it ! This plan, 
however, told for a period. I had sympatliisers (pity I 
despised), and these became purchasers of the paper (which 

example of Juggle-us before you V 

" * I confess my crime readily,* Junius responded ; * but 
I turned philanthropist, though not with profit, for I was 
(and I am still grateful for it) quite unprepared to adopt the 
profession thoroughly. That which I resolved upon was to 
distribute a portion of the profits of my paper to the poor 
devils who were subscribers to it. I advertised that the pro- 
prietors of the (I forget the name of this particular 

organ), * deeply afiected by the state of destitution in which 
the poor of London were living, or rather existing, had 
resolved on giving awa^r one-half of the profits, in order to 
relieve the more pressing necessities oi the metropolitan 

*' ' This move, although I flatter myself it was rather 
ingenious, did not altogether succeed.' 

*' (I ventured on a raodle at J uuius qualifying his own idea 
as ingenious.) 

" * I observed that smile,' proceeded the orator, 'but 
shall not be deterred by it from continuing. I repeat, that 
the notion was ingenious, and for this reason — that it might 
have the effect oi bringing money to tlie publication, and 
could, at all events, take nothing away from it. You per- 
ceive that I was to give away hflJf the profits — ^none of the 
receipts. Now, had the receipts amounted to a hundred 
(instead of only five pounds) per week, there would have 
been no profits : had tney even attained the gigantic sum of 
a thousand pounds per week, still there would liave been no 
profits (OK oh I from myself on the opposite bench), Mr. 
Tomkii^s may howl as long as he thinks fit ; but the bray- 
ings of a certain quadruped must not be allowed to interfere 
wi^ the oration of a man of letters. I therefore maintain,, 
that in any case that may or may i)ot be supposed, the 
profits — ^tiiat is, the ostensible profitsy-could never have 
risen above those of Jerrold's paper — ^in short, that they 
would have been nothing at aU. And for this simple cause — 
that when the receipts once assumed a tangible fonn, the 
printer coidd actually have been paid a portion of his bill. 
Supposing them to increase still further, why, of course, the 
salaries of the writers would have been raised. In case of 
extreme good fortune, they would have beai again raised ; 
and so on to a fabulous extent. You perceive, then, that as 
far as the poor were concerned, there would never have been 
any profits.' 

•• • How, then, did your scheme fail V I exclaimed. 
" 'Merely,' replied Junius, 'because persons either dis- 
believed in my philanthropy, or, like the majority of the 
benevolent, were unwilling to part with their money unless 
they could, at the same time, secure the consciousness of hav- 
ing performed a noble action, and the certainty of possessing 
with it some very tangible beneflt. People will pay a guinea 
in order to do good to the poor, and to go to a fashionable 
ball ; they will pay willingly their admission to a fancy-fair, 
where they pay tribute, at the same time, to the suffering 
and to the lasnionable world : but ask them to relieve the 
metropolitan paupers from indigence, and support a talented 
paper, and the wretched fools (simply because the journal is 
not very well known) will at once button up their pockets. 
" ' i have now enumerated how commercial, political, and 

philonthropical ideas have * 

" Here, however, I stopped my friend, as Skribbel ap- 
peared tired, and, in fact, nad gone to sleep. " 

A celebrated Ethiopian serenader, who, like mvcaj great men, 
bad been ill-treated by nifl coantrjmen, exclaimed on his death-bed, 
** Ingrata patria ne ossA quldem habtbii V — a quotation which, 
bat for its being made in sach circumstances, we should call a 
" happy " one. 




Mb. Showman, — I ka^e, in mj time, been wilnesft ta 
acts of gross iDgratitudB. I take one instance firoi» then- 
sands,^ — I have lately beheld the French a^ndemntr one 
who has saved them mm all the terrors of eml war, to^Swoee 
li. Louis Napoleon, a man who has not done a sini^e thinf^ 
for his country, except amuse it by his ridiculone eendnot. 
I have aba lead and agreed with 3 hak $p e re, when the latter 
says — 

" —— Thou winter wind. 
Thou art not so unkind 
As Man's ingratitude ;** 

but I never imagined I should beoome aequaioted with tilie 
vice in such a monstrous form as I did a day or tvroago ; for, 
in happeains to cast my eyes over an advertisement in the 
Tunss of a Dale of Wrecked Goods at the London Commer- 
eial Side Rooms, I actually, after a few unintovsting items, 
felt my bleed congeal witn horror at peroeivin£^ one of the 
lotscoDsistedof "Gray Domestics!" les^—" Gray Donee- 
tics/' and packed up in bales. 

Now, Mb. Showman, I ask you if this is just— is it gene- 
rous ? Domestics are flesh and blood as w^as other men ; 
and are they to be dhipped off in this hearttess manner ? 
What renders the matter worse is, that they were ** gray," 
actually grown gray in the service of an ungrateful eourtry 
— none of yoor hobbledihoys — yonr smart lads, who 
unite the offices of page, groom, footman, and butler, hi 
their own insignificant persons, and who might, periiaps, be 
shipped off without any great loss to society at large ; but 
no— th^ were gray domeeties — and this is to be their reward ! 
Exported, and most likely afterwards sold. 

Why, if this be allowed to centinue— if the law doee not 
interpose — who knows where this sordid spirit of inaovation 
may stop? — may it not oven extend to the higher c lase ee f 
ana if so, may we not expect, at no €sr distast day, to see, 
in 0ome Australian City InteUifpence, that Lord Mer|M&eh 
was ** done" — which, by the way, wwM not be the fiml time 
— also much; while Loni J. Russell was (piloted— whidi, I am 
free to confess, might perhans tickle his vanity as an^or, 
but would not better his condition— at so much more. 

Trusting you will insert this letter in your jooroal, 
I remain, your obedient £rvabt, 

A Philakihrovibt. 


An individual of the name of Fcn^ has latdy been adver- 
tising what he terms his " Eureka Shirt." Now, we are 
aM aware what is the signification of " Eureka"— that is, 
when we say all, we, of course, eieept ladies and Whittin^ 
tonians, for whose benefit we beg to say, that " Enreka" is 
the Greek for *' I havo found." 

We further know, and our friends of the fhirer sex know 
as well as we do — the only exception, in this instance, bein|^ 
the Whittingtonians — that Archimedes made use of this 
word *' Eureka " on his finding a satisfactory answer to 
oartain abstruse questions in seienee: the said qnestions, 
like Madame Wharton and her fair colleagues, bemg regular 

Besides making use of the expression on the occasion 
alluded to, Arohin^des, with a degree of haste which would 
lead us to suppose he had not previously bestowed that attention 
on hb toilet which modem fastidiousness— in opposition to 
the old claRsical disregard ibr trifles, as evinced in the 
costumes of most of their gods and goddesses— rsqnires ; 
Archimedes, we say, rushed into the street bawling out the 
said word '* Eureka," in a manner which may be esteemed 
very classical by great scholare, but which would, in our 
days, inevitaUy expose the person thns exerting his lungs to 
he taken up by H or £ something or o^er, to ihb station- 

To rtftarn, however, to Mr. Ford. Does he mean to say 
that he has found a shirt as Arohimedes did a secret 9 if 
so, why does not he advertise it in thepapere, with a promise 
to restore it to its proper owner on payment of the expense 
of the advertisement ? 

But has Mr. Ford stopped here in his imitatien of Aichi* 
medes? — or has he thought fit to extend bis powers of 
imitation still further, and run down Fleet Street or the 

Strand with the- same elasaieal disregard to minntise 4i hia 
illustrious model ? If so, we cannot nmiAe Ford's conduct. 

Again, Ford speidcs of his '^ Ewrana ^hirt" in the 
singumr,«— haa ha only fonnd onie ? or does he aiean bj 
this one to designate two, iJiree, four diirts— in £aet, a 
whole multitude of shirts ? 

Or, does perhaps the " Eureka ^' ^ply t» the public 
instead of to Mr. Ford ? and is every ona of his cua- 
tomers, on walking off ^qi Ford's shop with a jacket of 
Ford's shirts under his arm, entitled to exclaho '^Xurdka," 
I have found it^— that is, I need not pay for it, on the well 
known principle of our schod-boydsars, (tf '* FiaAHn, keep- 
ings,"— a pnnciple which, as we all know, ta«itffi3>^idied 
eviery idea of paymont, or anything al ^at very absurd and 
common-nlaca description ? We anaiaasly swttii a reply ; 
and if the qmstioa be answered m iim afcrnatiia^ we 
venture to prcHnise Ford, not only our oem eaatoei, but 
that of every-gODtknuui connected witib dw 

THE HIDDIOTIC NU2L A eeeleExkomppttirofhami 
is bryBgiBg oat the Hiddiotio Niu, wkyeh wvu mukm sU 
Hei^lsnd melU wromg in six U$9omi Thys is gods nnz ts ye 
Boore ! Sabbskf^rpshons to bee seat to jea Soagwe^ Hebeeore 

BOX whkk the Ssowmak can meet coBsciiatisMly reeem- 
mend to bis rich friends, b one ferwasdcd to their aosr rdstieDa 

« .•« . m m. *.« «a___- 

and oontsiniaga tarkej sad et oeten% witk porhsps a finr bettka 
of wine and a Twelfth oake. . 

N.B. There m m gljectkn to the CkratmM Boi being a 
C hi stmas Hamper. 



StB BuLWER Ltttoit has condesoended to address the electors 
of Leominster, and those wortiiies will not condeseendto 
make up their minds to vote for or agMust him. l%ey eo 
to the hustings — listen with gaping month to one of toe 
greatest men in Endand — anonaving gratdied thezr volgar 
curiosity, depart without offering him wbr support. Caiviot 
the idiots uaderetand, that when a man, who baa aB Eyvopo 
for his audience habitually, {^oes, hat in hand, to soScit tbe 
favoure of a knot of provmcidi tradesmen, he is doing them 
an honour which the sale of then* begwly town by auction 
would barely repay ! The blocks and stones that followed 
Orpheus, had more sense than these fellows, who are deaf to 
poetry and wit. But 9uch are mobs in all ages. 1^ mere 
rabble is incapable of devation ; and Barabbas woidd be tiieir 
choice to^ay, if submitted to them, as he was two thousand 
years ago. 

For our part we confess, that had we a vote for Leomin- 
ster and were, at the same time, the bitterest Tory that 
ever starved a tenant — we should bestow it on Sir Edward in 
honour to his intdlect and his fame. If we voted against 
hhn, we should be haunted by visions of ** Zanoni, ' the 
*' Dweller on the Threshold,** and half a hundred oi his 
creations for a month. The severe countenance of **Brae6t 
Maltravers" would glare upon our four-poster, and the 
pale visage of " Lucretia " shine through our curtains, at 
ld«. Od. per jrard. But the absence of enthusiasm is one of 
the most mdancholy characteristics of an age in whicJi 
Bulwer f&ik to be appreciated, Albert Smith obtains] a re- 
putation, and Mark Lemon passes for a literary laan. * 

The attempt of the juvenile Feel to stand for Leomio- 
ster, is another instance of thepredominance of whi^ may 
be called the cub nuisance. We have boys — ^and stxtpwi 
boys, too^sticking themselves up everywhore. We were in 
hopes that our signal casttgation of tlie BoT Fitswuxiah, 
would have struck terror into ^e bobbledehojrs of En^^and — 
but it has not If the cubs succeed in forciiig tiiemaetrea 
into Pariiament, why, we shall be having marbfis played on 
the floor of the house, kites ftjring- in Parliament StreeL 
hoops driven along the Treasury benches, and to% rwdtd 
openly by Joe Hume inside the bar.^ Noting vrill remain, 
then, but to furnish the Speaker with a birch rod. 




WelMflir a good dea] about " amphibious*' stca-ies. Are 
tliej ampkSiioas in €m sense of the wonderful animal exhi- 
bited in Wonibw^*8 Menagerie, which died in the water, 
andooidd not Iito on tho hind ? 

The Birr Fitzwilliam was in Bueh a bmry for Christmat, 
ibat bo got bis goose oooked two or thres weeks since. 

CoooniaiioD Hall is to be turned into a chspd. 
judge from the fate its last oom^iers met witb» we reel 
-certain that it won't anit the Bonteia. 


PoelB and odnn ba«e been lauded to the skies for their 
bumanitr in tntiiMr aside wbea the^r mot worms in their 
path. Frinoe WinmscbgriUz does more than this — ^he gives 
the worms food. 

The Portuguese have sent a steamer to Naples in search 
of the Pope. His Holiness, however, must oe of opmicm 
that he has bad yaponring enough already, without the 
addition of 

An individual has been robbing the libraries at Oxford. 
Being captured, however, it is to m hoped be will find bimr 
self, as be found the books — " rqpilarly shelved." 

A correspondent of the Times wonders why the senators 
of Sti Stephen's suffer St. Margaret's Churchyard, West- 
minster, to e^diale such ofilensive airs, when they have to 
respire it themselves. We suppose this is because, having 
to tolerate the " disagreeable airs " of Mr. Anst^ during 
an oration, those of St. Margaret's shrink into insignifi- 

A Mr. James Hannay has written a work called '* Hearts 
are Trumps." It is very certain these hearts do not belong 
to the Whigs, for although they manage a good many tricks, 
they never succeed in obtaining any honours. 

Mr. T. Wilson advertises that he has discovered a re- 
medy for smoky chimneys. Considering the immense quan* 
tity of smoke which issues from Mr. Anstey*s throat, we 
duill be glad to hear of bis bemg operated on as soon as 

Sir Gulling Eardley Bardley thought be should be 
elected fw the West Riding by the strength of the dissent- 
ing interest. As he has lostms election, howefver. by nearly 
3000 votes, the ''dissenting interest" must hare been 
stronger than he anticipated. 

The Koh-i-noor, a diamond the largest and roost pre- 
cious in the world (recently the property of the Sovereign of 
Lahore), is to be quickly transmittea to Victoria by the 
Talour of our troops. The Sikhs must be of opinion that 
ibe diamond has ^' cut " them very sharply. 

Louis Philippe found out, when too late, that ihe Mont- 
pensier ^e was a perfect choker for his government. 

A CuBiouB Reflection. — If, after all, as Mr. Dickens 
would mrove in his Haunted Man^ the remembrance of 
past suTOrings be a substantial advantage, how would any 
orthodox Brahmin perusing that work regret the lost recol- 
lection of his supposed scrapes in the forms of birds, beasts, 
and fishes during whole ages of transmig^rations ! lYes, but 
to remember vividly the miseries of being hooked as a 
gudgeon ! twirled as a cockchafer ! or kicked as a ]»ui)py I — 
what souroes of intellectual improvement and mo«al reflec- 

CuBious Fact. — It has been remariied tlmt wi^r-makers 
am the only ptrsons who never complain of a '* faUingoff" 
in their custom. 

In allusion to the Dukeof Buckingham's embarrassments, 
it has been rmarked that his son, the Marauis of Chandos, 
acted like Esaa ; be sold his larthright, ana got a " mess " 
in exchange lor it. 

Q. Why is a doctor prescribing for a patient like a man 

running from dwiger ? 
A, Because he is actbg in his sphere (his fear). 


*• The Haunted Man and the Ohosfs Bargain,** by 
Charles Dickens. 

Mb. Diokbms has become a kind of literary ''wait," who 
gives a serena^ to the public every Christmas ; but we are 
bound to admit that the effect on the whole is generally 
more soothing than disturbing. In fact, his later Christmas 
works have li^en complete failures, and this last, which aims 
at being very supernatural, is chiefly so in this respect, that 
it is supeniaturally ^U. 

The "Haunted Man" is a chemist, who is perpetually 
tormented by the memory of having been iilted by a girl in 
early life. A phantom, represents as tne verv image of 
him (and so he is in point of dolness), continually reminds 
him of this, till he at last begs bim to take away his memory 
of •* suffering and wrong." Tne phantom obligingly consents, 
making a proviso that he (ihe " haunted man**; must confer 
the same forgetfulness on everybody that he encounters. 
To this the haunted man agrees, and the remainder of the 
story is taken up with an account of his conferring it on a 
newsnaper vendor and his family, a poor student, a dying 
reprobate, a beggar boy, a doting old man, and some other 
le»s important cnarocters, the whole ending W his recovering 
his memory through associating with the wife of one of his 
servants, and everybody else recovering their memory — 
except the author, who has forgothimself from the beginnmg. 

The moral of the story is, of course, that the memory of