Pygmalion: a Romance
in Five Acts: by Bernard
Shaw.
ROUGH PROOF— UNPUBLISHED.
Constable and Company
Ltd. London : 1 9 1 4.
University of California • Berkeley
Gift of
LUCILE HEMING KOSHLAND
and
DANIEL EDWARD KOSHLAND
PYGMALION
Pygmalion: a Romance
in Five Acts: by Bernard
Shaw.
ROUGH PROOF— UNPUBLISHED.
Constable and Company
Ltd. London: 19 14.
Copyright^ G. Bernard Shaw, 1914.
All rights reserved.
ACT I
Covent Garden at 11.15 p.m. Torrents of heavy summer
rain. Cab whistles blowijig frantically in all directions. Pedes-
trians running for shelter into the market and under the portico
of St. Paul's Church, where there are already several people,
among them a lady and her daughter in evening dress. They are
all peering out gloomily at the rain, except one man with his back
turned to the rest, who seems wholly preoccupied with a note-
book in which he is writing busily.
The church clock strikes the first quarter.
THE DAUGHTER \in the space between the central pillars, close
to the one on her left'] I'm getting chilled to the bone. What
can Freddy be doing all this time ? Hes been gone twenty-
minutes.
THE MOTHER [on her daughter'' s right] Not so long. But
he ought to have got us a cab by this.
A BYSTANDER [on the ladf s right] He wont get no cab not
until half-past eleven, missus, when they come back after
dropping their theatre fares.
THE MOTHER. But wc must have a cab. We cant stand
here until half-past eleven. It's too bad.
THE BYSTANDER. Well, it aint my fault, missus.
THE DAUGHTER. If Freddy had a bit of gumption, he would
have got one at the theatre door,
THE MOTHER. What could he have done, poor boy?
THE DAUGHTER. Other people got cabs. Why couldnt he .'*
2 Pygmalion Act I
Freddy rushes in out of the rain from the Southampton Street
side, and co?nes between them closing a dripping umbrella. He
is a young man of tTve?jty, in evening dress, very wet round
the ankles.
THE DAUGHTER. Well, haviit you got a cab?
FREDDY. Theres not one to be had for love or money.
THE MOTHER. Oh, Freddy, there must be one. You cant
have tried.
THE DAUGHTER. It's too tiresomc. Do you expect us to
go and get one ourselves?
FREDDY. I tell you theyre all engaged. The rain was so
sudden: nobody was prepared; and everybody had to take
a cab. Ive been to Charing Cross one way and nearly to
Ludgate Circus the other ; and they were all engaged.
THE MOTHER. Did you try Trafalgar Square?
FREDDY. There wasnt one at Trafalgar Square.
THE DAUGHTER. Did you try?
FREDDY. I tried as far as Charing Cross Station. Did you
expect me to walk to Hammersmith ?
THE DAUGHTER. You havnt tried at all.
THE MOTHER. You really are very helpless, Freddy. Go
again ; and dont come back until you have found a cab.
FREDDY. I shall simply get soaked for nothing.
THE DAUGHTER. And what about us ? Are we to stay here
all night in this draught, with next to nothing on. You
selfish pig —
FREDDY. Oh, very well : I'll go, 1*11 go, \He opens his um-
brella and dashes off Strandwards, but comes into collision with
a jiower girl, who is hurrying in for shelter, knocking her basket
out of her hands. A blinding fiash of lightning, followed instantly
by a rattling peal of thunder, orchestrates the incident].
THE FLOWER GIRL. Nah then, Freddy : look wh' y* gowin'
deah.
FREDDY. Sorry [he rushes off].
THE FLOWER GIRL [picking Up her scattered fiowers and re-
placing them in the basket] Theres menners t'yer! Te-oo
banches o voylets trod into the mad. \^he sits down on
Act I Pygmalion 3
the plinth of the column^ sorting her flowers^ on the ladj*s right.
She is not at all an attractive person. She is perhaps eighteen,
perhaps twenty, hardly older. She wears a little sailor hat of
black straw that has long been exposed to the dust and soot of
Loudon and has seldom if ever been brushed. Her hair needs
washing rather badly : its mousy color can hardly be natural.
She wears a shoddy black coat that reaches nearly to her knees
and is shaped to her waist. She has a brown skirt with a
coarse apron. Her boots are much the worse for wear. She is
no doubt as clean as she can afford to be ; but compared to the
ladies she is very dirty. Her features are no worse than theirs ;
but their condition leaves so?ne thing to be desired; and she needs
the services of a dentist"].
THE MOTHER. How do you know that my son's name is
Freddy, pray r
THE FLOWER GIRL. Ow, ccz ye-ooa san, is e? Wal, fewd
dan y' de-ooty bawmz a mather should, eed now bettern to
spawl a pore gel's flahrzn than ran awy athaht pyin. Will
ye-oo py me f 'them ? [Here, with apologies, this desperate
attempt to represent her dialect without a phonetic alphabet must
be abandoned as unintelligible outside London].
THE DAUGHTER. Do nothing of the sort, mother. The
idea !
THE MOTHER. Plcasc allow me, Clara. Have you any
pennies?
THE DAUGHTER. No. Ive nothing smaller than six-
pence.
THE FLOWER GIRL [hopefully] I Can give you change for a
tanner, kind lady.
THE MOTHER \to Clara] Give it to me. [Clara parts re-
luctantly]. Now [to the girl] This is for your flowers.
THE FLOWER GIRL. Thank you kindly, lady.
THE DAUGHTER. Make her give you the change. These
things are only a penny a bunch.
THE MOTHER. Do hold your tongue, Clara. [To the girl]
You can keep the change.
THE FLOWER GIRL. Oh, thank you, lady.
4 Pygmalion Act I
THE MOTHER. Now tcll Hic how you Icnow that young
gentleman's name.
THE FLOWER GIRL. I didnt.
THE MOTHER. I heard you call him by it. Dont try to
deceive me.
THE FLOWER GIRL [proUsttng] Whos trying to deceive you .''
I called him Freddy or Charlie same as you might yourself
if you was talking to a stranger and wished to be pleasant.
[SSe sits down beside her basket'].
THE DAUGHTER. Sixpence thrown away ! Really, mamma,
you might have spared Freddy that. [She retreats in disgust
behind the pillar].
An elderly gentleman of the amiable military type rushes into
shelter., and closes a dripping umbrella. He is in the same plight
as Freddy^ very wet about the ankles. He is in evening dress,
with a light overcoat. He takes the place left vacant by the
daughter's retirement.
THE GENTLEMAN. PheW !
THE MOTHER \to the gentleman] Oh, sir, is there any sign
of its stopping ?
THE GENTLEMAN. I'm afraid not. It started worse than
ever about two minutes ago \he goes to the plinth beside the
flower girl; puts up his foot on it; and stoops to turn down his
trouser ends].
THE MOTHER. Oh dear! [She retires sadly and joins her
daughter].
THE FLOWER GIRL [taking advantage of the military gentle-
man^ s proximity to establish friendly relations with him] If
it's worse, it's a sign it's nearly over. So cheer up. Captain ;
and buy a flower off a poor girl.
THE GENTLEMAN. I'm sorry. I havnt any change.
THE FLOWER GIRL. I cau givc you change. Captain.
THE GENTLEMAN. For a Sovereign ? Ive nothing less.
THE FLOWER GIRL. Gam ! Oh do buy a flower off" me,
Captain. I can change half-a-crown. Take this for tup-
pence.
THE GENTLEMAN. Now dont bc troublesome : theres a good
Act I Pygmalion 5
girl. [Trying his pockets] I really havnt any change — Stop :
heres three hapence, if thats any use to you \_he retreats to
the other pillar\
THE FLOWER GIRL [disappointed, but thinking three halfpence
better than nothing] Thank you, sir.
THE BYSTANDER \to the girl] You be careful : give him a
flower for it. Theres a bloke here behind taking down every
blessed word youre saying. [All turn to the man who is taking
notes].
THE FLOWER GIRL [spri?iging Up terrified] I aint done nothing
wrong by speaking to the gentleman. Ive a right to sell
flowers if I keep off" the kerb. [Hysterically] I'm a respect-
able girl : so help me, I never spoke to him except to ask
him to buy a flower ofi^ me. [General hubbub, mostly sympa-
thetic to the flower girl, but deprecating her excessive sensibility.
Cries ^Dont start hollerin. Who's hurting you ? Nobody's
going to touch you. Whats the good of fussing? Steady
on. Easy easy, etc., come from the elderly staid spectators, who
pat her comfortingly. Less patient ones bid her shut her head,
or ask her roughly what is wrong with her. A remoter group,
not knowing what the matter is, crowd in and increase the
noise with question and answer: Whats the row.'' Whatshe
do? Where is he? A tec taking her down. What! him?
Yes : him over there : Took money off" the gentleman, etc.
The flower girl, distraught and mobbed, breaks through them to
the gentleman, crying wildly] Oh, sir, dont let him charge
me. You dunno what it rheans to me. Theyll take away
my character and drive me on the streets for speaking to
gentlemen. They —
THE NOTE TAKER [coming forward on her right, the rest crowd-
ing after him] There, there, there, there ! whos hurting you,
you silly girl ? What do you take me for ?
THE BYSTANDER. It's all right : hes a gentleman : look at
his boots. [Explaining to the note taker] She thought you
was a copper's nark, sir.
THE NOTE TAKER [with quick interest] Whats a copper's
nark ?
6 Pygmalion Act I
THE BYSTANDER [tftapt at definitio?i\ It's a — well, it's a
copper's nark, as you might say. What else would you call
it ? A sort of informer.
THE FLOWER GIRL [j//// hyster'tcall I take my Bible oath I
never said a word —
THE NOTE TAKER [^Overbearing but good-humored] Oh, shut
up, shut up. Do I look like a policeman ?
THE FLOWER GIRL [far from reassured] Then what did you
take down my words for? How do I know whether you
took me down right? You just shew me what youve wrote
about me. [The note taker opens his book and holds it steadily
under her nose, though the pressure of the mob trying to read it
over his shoulders would upset a weaker man]. Whats that r
That aint proper writing. I cant read that.
THE NOTE TAKER. I Can. [Reads, reproducing her pronuncia-
tion exactly] " Cheer ap, Kcptin ; n' baw ya flahr orf a
pore gel."
THE FLOWER GIRL [much distressed] It's because I called
him Captain. I meant no harm. [To the gentleman] Oh, sir,
dont let him lay a charge agen me for a word like that.
You—
THE GENTLEMAN. Charge ! I make no charge. [To the
note taker] Really, sir, if you are a detective, you need
not begin protecting me against molestation by young
women until I ask you. Anybody could see that the girl
meant no harm.
THE BYSTANDERS GENERALLY [demonstrating against police
espionage] Course they could. What business is it of yours ?
You mind your own affairs. He wants promotion, he does.
Taking down people's words ! Girl never said a word to him.
What harm if she did? Nice thing a girl cant shelter
from the rain without being insulted, etc., etc., etc. [^he is
conducted by the more sympathetic demonstrators back to her
plinth, where she resumes her seat and struggles with her
emotion].
THE BYSTANDER. Hc aint 3 tcc. Hc's a bloomingbusybody :
thats what he is. I tell you, look at his boots.
Act I Pygmalion 7
THE NOTE TAKER [tumifig oti him genially\ And how are all
your people down at Selsey?
THE BYSTANDER [suspidous/y] Who told you my people
come from Selsey?
THE NOTE TAKER. Never you mind. They did, [To the
gir/] How do you come to be up so far east ? You were
born in Lisson Grove,
THE FLOWER GIRL [appa/kd] Oh, what harm is there in
my leaving Lisson Grove ? It wasnt fit for a pig to live in ;
and I had to pay four-and-six a week. [In tears] Oh, boo
— hoo — 00 —
THE NOTE TAKER. Live where you like ; but stop that noise.
THE GENTLEMAN [to the girl] Come, come I he cant touch
you : you have a right to live where you please.
A SARCASTIC BYSTANDER [thrusting himself between the note
taker and the gentleman] Park Lane, for instance. Id like
to go into the Housing Question with you, I would,
THE FLOWER GIRL \subsiding tnto a brooding melancholy over
her basket^ and talking very low-spiritedly to herself] I'm a
good girl, I am,
THE SARCASTIC BYSTANDER \not attending to her] Do you
know where / come from }
THE NOTE TAKER [promptly] Hoxton.
Titterings. Popular interest in the note taker'' s performance
increases.
THE SARCASTIC ONE [amaxcd] Well, who said I didnt? Bly
me ! You know everything, you do.
THE FLOWER GIRL [still nursiug her sense of injury] Aint no
call to meddle with me, he aint,
THE BYSTANDER \to her] Of course he aint, Dont you stand
it from him, \To the note taker] See here : what call have
you to know about people what never offered to meddle
with you? Wheres your warrant?
SEVERAL BYSTANDERS [encouraged by this seeming point of law]
Yes: wheres your warrant?
THE FLOWER GIRL. Let him say what he likes. I dont want
to have no truck with him.
8 Pygmalion Act I
THE BYSTANDER. You take US for dirt under your feet, dont
you? Catch you taking liberties with a gentleman !
THE SARCASTIC BYSTANDER. Yes : tell him where he come
from if you want to go fortune-telling.
THE NOTE TAKER. Cheltenham, Harrow, Cambridge, and
India.
THE GENTLEMAN. Quite right. [Great laughter. Reaction
in the note taker's favor. Exclamations ofYit knows all about
it. Told him proper. Hear him tell the toff where he come
from? etc.]. May I ask, sir, do you do this for your living
at a music hall ?
THE NOTE TAKER. Ivc thought of that. Perhaps I shall
some day.
The rain has stopped; and the persons on the outside of the
crowd begin to drop off.
THE FLOWER GIRL [resenting the reaction] He's no gentle-
man, he aint, to interfere with a poor girl.
THE DAUGHTER [out of patience, pushing her way rudely to
the front and displacing the gentleman, who politely retires
to the other side of the pillar] What on earth is Freddy
doing? I shall get pneumonia if I stay in this draught any
longer.
THE NOTE TAKER [to himself hastily making a note of her
pronunciation of '"'■ monia^''] Earlscourt.
THE DAUGHTER [violently] Will you please keep your im-
pertinent remarks to yourself.
THE NOTE TAKER. Did I Say that out loud? I didnt mean
to. I beg your pardon. Your mother's Epsom, unmistakc-
ably.
THE MOTHER [advancing between her daughter and the note
taker] How very curious ! I was brought up in Largclady
Park, near Epsom.
THE NOTE TAKER [uproariously amused] Ha! ha! What a
devil of a name ! Excuse me. [To the daughter] You want
a cab, do you ?
THE DAUGHTER. Dont darc speak to me.
THE MOTHER. Oh plcasc, plcasc, Clara. [Her daughter
Act I Pygmalion 9
repudiates her with an angry shrug and retires haughtily\ We
should be so grateful to you, sir, if you found us a cab.
[The note taker produces a whistle']. Oh, thank you. [She
joins her daughter].
The note taker blows a piercing blast.
THE SARCASTIC BYSTANDER. There! I Icnowcd he was a
plain-clothes copper.
THE BYSTANDER. That aint a police whistle : thats a sport-
ing whistle.
THE FLOWER GIRL [sttll preoccupied with her wounded feel-
ings] Hes no right to take away my character. My character
is the same to me as any lady's.
THE NOTE TAKER. I dout know whether youve noticed it ;
but the rain stopped about two minutes ago.
THE BYSTANDER. So it has. Why didnt you say so before?
and us losing our time listening to your silliness ! \He walks
off towards the Strand].
THE SARCASTIC BYSTANDER. I Can tell wherc you come
from. You come from Anwell. Go back there.
THE NOTE TAKER \helpfullf\ //'anWcll.
THE SARCASTIC BYSTANDER [affecting great distinction of
speech] Thenk you, teacher. Haw haw! So long [he touches
his hat with mock respect and strolls off].
THE FLOWER GIRL. Frightening people like that ! How
would he like it himself?
THE MOTHER It's quitc fine now, Clara. We can walk to
a motor bus. Come. [She gathers her skirts above her ankles
and hurries off towards the Strand].
THE DAUGHTER. But the cab — [her mother is out of hearing].
Oh, how tiresome ! [She follows angrily].
All the rest have gone except the note taker, the gentleman,
and the flower girl, who sits arranging her basket, and still pity-
ing herself in murmurs.
THE FLOWER GIRL. Poor girl ! Hard enough for her to live
without being worrited and chivied.
THE GENTLEMAN [returning to his former place on the note
taker's left] How do you do it, if I may ask ?
lo Pygmalion Act I
THE NOTE TAKER. Simply phonctics. The science of
speech. Thats my profession: also my hobby. Happy is
the man who can make a living by his hobby! You can
spot an Irishman or a Yorkshireman by his brogue. / can
place any man within six miles. I can place him within two
miles in London. Sometimes within two streets.
THE FLOWER GIRL. Ought to be ashamcd of himself, un-
manly coward !
THE GENTLEMAN. But is there a living in that?
THE NOTE TAKER. Oh ycs. Quitc a fat onc. This is an age
of upstarts. Men begin in Kentish Town with ;^8o a year,
and end in Park Lane with a hundred thousand. They
want to drop Kentish Town ; but they give themselves
away every time they open their mouths. Now I can teach
them —
THE FLOWER GIRL. Let him mind his own business and
leave a poor girl —
THE NOTE TAKER [cxplosively] Woman : cease this detest-
able boohooing instantly ; or else seek the shelter of some
other place of worship.
THE FLOWER GIRL [zuith fecbk defiancc] Ive a right to be
here if I like, same as you.
THE NOTE TAKER. A woman who utters such depressing
and disgusting sounds has no right to be anywhere — no
right to live. Remember that you are a human being with
a soul and the divine gift of articulate speech : that your
native language is the language of Shakespear and Milton
and The Bible ; and dont sit there crooning like a bilious
pigeon.
THE FLOWER GIRL [quite Overwhelmed^ looking up at him in
mingled wonder and deprecation without daring to raise her
head'\ Ah-ah-ah-ow-ow-ow-oo !
THE NOTE TAKER [whipping out his book] Heavens ! what
a sound ! [He writes ; then holds out the hook and reads, re-
producing her vowels exactlj\ Ah-ah-ah-ow-ow-ow-oo !
THE FLOWER GIRL [tickkd by the performance ^ and laughing
in spite of herself\ Garn !
Act I Pygmalion . 1 1
THE NOTE TAKER. You scc this crcaturc with her kerb-
stone English : the English that will keep her in the gutter
to the end of her days. Well, sir, in three months I could
pass that girl off as a duchess at an ambassador's garden
party. I could even get her a place as lady's maid or shop
assistant, which requires better English. Thats the sort of
thing I do for ccrmmercial millionaires. And on the
profits of it I do genuine scientific work in phonetics,
and a little as a poet on Miltonic lines.
THE GENTLEMAN. I am myself a student of Indian dia-
lects ; and —
THE NOTE TAKER [eager/y] Are you } Do you know Colonel
Pickering, the author of Spoken Sanscrit r
THE GENTLEMAN. lam Colouel Pickering. Who are you?
THE NOTE TAKER. Henry Higgins, author of Higgins's
Universal Alphabet.
PICKERING [zait/? enthusiasm] I came from India to meet
you.
HIGGINS. I was going to India to meet you.
PICKERING. Where do you live ?
HIGGINS. 27A Wimpole Street. Come and see me to-
morrow.
PICKERING. I'm at the Carlton. Come with me now and
lets have a jaw over some supper.
HIGGINS. Right you are.
THE FLOWER GIRL \_to Pickering, as he passes her] Buy a
flower, kind gentleman. I'm short for my lodging.
PICKERING. I really havnt any change. I'm sorry [he
goes away].
HIGGINS [shocked at the girl's mendacity] Liar. You said
you could change half-a-crown.
THE FLOWER GIRL [rising in desperatioji] You ought to be
stufFed with nails, you ought. [Flinging the basket at his
feet] Take the whole blooming basket for sixpence.
The church clock strikes the second quarter.
HIGGINS [hearing in it the voice of God, rebuking Inm for
his Pharisaic want of charity to the poor girl] A reminder.
12 Pygmalion Act I
[He rais&s his hat solemtily; then throws a handful of money into
the basket and follows Pickering].
THE FLOWER GIRL [picking Up a half-crown] Ah-ow-ooh !
[Picking up a couple of florins] Aaah-ow-ooh! [Picking up
several coins] Aaaaaah-ow-ooh ! [Picking up a half-sovereign]
Aaaaaaaaaaaah-ow-ooh ! ! !
FREDDY [springing out of a taxicab] Got one at last.
Hallo! [To the girl] Where are the two ladies that were
here ?
THE FLOWER GIRL. They Walked to the bus when the
rain stopped.
FREDDY. And left me with a cab on my hands! Damna-
tion !
THE FLOWER GIRL [with grandeur] Never you mind, young
man. /*m going home in a taxi, [^he sails off to the cab.
The driver puts his hand behind him and holds the door firmly
shut against her. Quite understanding his mistrust, she shews
him her handful of money]. Eightpence aint no object
to me, Charlie. [He grins and opens the door]. Angel
Court, Drury Lane, round the corner of Micklejohn's oil
shop. Lets see how fast you can make her hop it. [She
gets in and pulls the door to with a slam as the taxicab starts].
FREDDY. Well, I'm dashed !
ACT II
Next day at ii a.m, Higgins's laboratory in Wimpok
Street, It is a room on the first floor ^ looking on the street^ and
was meant for the drawing-room. The double doors are in the
middle of the back wall ; and persons entering fijid in the
corner to their right two tall file cabinets at right angles to
one another against the walls. In this corner stands a fiat
writing-table,, on which are a phonography a laryngoscope^ a
row of tiny organ pipes with a bellows,, a set of lamp chimneys
for singing fames with burners attached to a gas plug in the
wall by an indiarubber tube,, several tuning-forks of different
sizes ^ a life-size image of half a human heady shewing in section
the vocal organs, and a box containing a supply of wax cylinders
for the phonograph.
Further down the room, on the same side, is a fireplace,, with
a comfortable leather-covered easy-chair at the side of the hearth
nearest the door, and a coal-scuttle. There is a clock on the
mantelpiece. Between the fireplace and the phonograph table
is a stand for newspapers.
On the other side of the central door, to the left of the visitor,,
is a cabinet of shallow drawers. On it is a telephone and the tele-
phone directory. The corner beyond, and most of the side wall,
is occupied by a grand piano, with the keyboard at the end
furthest from the door, and a bench for the player extending
the full length of the keyboard. On the piano is a dessert dish
heaped with fruit and sweets, mostly chocolates.
The middle of the room is clear. Besides the easy-chair, the
13
14 Pygmalion Act ll
piano bench, and two chairs at the phonograph table, there
is ojie stray chair. It stands near the fireplace. On the walls,
engravings: mostly Piranesis and mezzotint portraits. No
paintings.
Pickering is seated at the table, putting down some cards and
a tuning-fork which he has been using. Higgins is standing up
near him, closing two or three file drawers which are hanging
out. He appears in the morning light as a robust, vital,
appetizing sort of man of forty or thereabouts, dressed in a
professional-looking black frock-coat with a white linen collar
and black silk tie. He is of the energetic, scientific type,
heartily, even violently interested in everything that can be
studied as a scientific subject, and careless about himself and
other people, includi?ig their feelings. He is, in fact, but for
his years and size, rather like a very impetuous baby " taking
notice " eagerly and loudly, and requiring almost as much watch-
ing to keep him out of unintended mischief. His manner varies
from genial bullying when he is in a good humor to stormy
petulance when anything goes wrong; but he is so entirely
frank ana void of malice that he remains likeable even in his
least reasonable moments.
HIGGINS \as he shuts the last drawer] Well, I think thats
the whole show.
PICKERING. It's really amazing. I havnt taken half of it
in, you know.
HIGGINS. Would you like to go over any of it again ?
PICKERING \risi7ig and coming to the fireplace, where he plants
himself with his back to the fire] No, thank you -, not now.
I'm quite done up for this morning.
HIGGINS [following him, and standing beside him on his left]
Tired of listening to sounds?
PICKERING. Yes. It's a fearful strain. I rather fancied
myself because I can pronounce twenty-four distinct vowel
sounds ; but your hundred and thirty beat me. I cant hear
a bit of difference between most of them.
HIGGINS [chuckling, and going over to the piano to eat sweets]
Act II Pygmalion 1 5
Oh, that comes with practice. You hear no difference at
first ; but you keep on listening, and presently you find
theyre all as different as A from B. [Mrs Pearce looks in:
she is Higginis housekeeper^ Whats the matter?
MRS PEARCE [hesitating, evidently perplexed^ A young
woman wants to see you, sir.
HiGGiNS. A young woman ! What does she want ?
MRS PEARCE. Well, sir, she says youll be glad to see her
when you know what shes come about. Shes quite a
common girl, sir. Very common indeed. I should have
sent her away, only I thought perhaps you wanted her to
talk into your machines. I hope Ive not done wrong; but
really you sec such queer people sometimes — youll excuse
me, I'm sure, sir —
HIGGINS. Oh, thats all right, Mrs Pearce. Has she an
interesting accent?
MRS PEARCE. Oh, Something dreadful, sir, really. I dont
know how you can take an interest in it.
HIGGINS [to Pickering] Lets have her up. Shew her up,
Mrs Pearce [he rushes across to his working table and picks
out a cylirider to use on the phonograp/i],
MRS PEARCE [only half resigned to it] Very well, sir. Its
for you to say. [She goes downstairs].
HIGGINS. This is rather a bit of luck. I'll shew you how
I make records. We'll set her talking; and I'll take it
down first in Bell's visible Speech; then in broad Romic;
and then we'll get her on the phonograph so that you can
turn her on as often as you like with the written transcript
before you.
MRS PEARCE [returning] This is the young woman, sir.
The flower girl enters in state. She has a hat with three
ostrich feathers, orange, sky-blue, and red. She has a nearly clean
apron, and the shoddy coat has been tidied a little. The pathos
of this deplorable figure, with its innocent vanity and conse-
quential air, touches Pickering, who has already straightened
himself in the presence of Mrs Pearce. But as to Higgins,
the only distinction he makes betzveen men and women is that
1 6 Pygmalion Act il
when he is neither bullying nor exclaiming to the heavens
against some featherweight cross ^ he coaxes women as a child
coaxes its nurse when it wants to get anything out of her.
HiGGiNS [brusquely^ recognizing her with unconcealed dis-
appointment^ and at once, babylike, making an intolerable
grievance of it] Why, this is the girl I jotted down last
night. Shes no use : Ive got all the records I want of the
Lisson Grove lingo; and I'm not going to waste another
cylinder on it. [To the girl] Be ofF with you : I dont want
you.
THE FLOWER GIRL. Dont you be so saucy. You aint heard
what I come for yet. [To Mrs Pearce, who is waiting at the
door for further instructions] Did you tell him I come in a
taxi ?
MRS PEARCE. Nonseuse, girl ! what do you think a gentle-
man like Mr Higgins cares what you came in?
THE FLOWER GIRL. Oh, we are proud! He aint above
giving lessons, not him : I heard him say so. Well, I aint
come here to ask for any compliment ; and if my money's
not good enough I can go elsewhere.
HIGGINS. Good enough for what?
THE FLOWER GIRL. Good cnough for ye-oo. Now you
know, dont you? I'm come to have lessons, I am. And
to pay for em too : make no mistake.
HIGGINS [stupent] Well!!! [Recovering his breath with a
gasp] What do you expect me to say to you ?
THE FLOWER GIRL. Well, if you was a gentleman, you
might ask me to sit down, I think. Dont I tell you I'm
bringing you business ?
HIGGINS. Pickering: shall we ask this baggage to sit
down, or shall we throw her out of the window?
THE FLOWER GIRL [running away in terror to the piano,
where she turns at bay] Ah-ah-oh-ow-ow-ow-oo ! [IVounded
and whimpering] I wont be called a baggage when Ive
offered to pay like any lady.
Motionless, the two men stare at her from the other side of the
room, amaxed.
Act II Pygmalion 17
PICKERING [genf/y] What is it you want, my girl ?
THE FLOWER GIRL. I Want to bc a ladv in a flower shop
stead of selling at the corner of Tottenham Court Road.
But they wont take me unless I can talk more genteel.
He said he could teach me. Well, here I am ready to pay
him — not asking any favor — and he treats me as if I was
dirt.
MRS PEARCE. How Can you be such a foolish ignorant girl
as to think you could afford to pay Mr Higgins ?
THE FLOWER GIRL. Why shouldnt I .'' I know what lessons
cost as well as you do ; and I'm ready to pay.
HIGGINS. How much ?
THE FLOWER GIRL \coming back to himy triumphant\ Now
youre talking ! I thought youd come off it when you saw
a chance of getting back a bit of what you chucked at me
last night. \Confidentially\ Youd had a drop in, hadnt you }
HIGGINS [peremptorily'] Sit down.
THE FLOWER GIRL. Oh, if yourc going to make a compli-
ment of it —
HIGGINS [thundering at her] Sit down.
MRS PEARCE [severely] Sit down, girl. Do as youre told.
[She places the stray chair near the hearthrug between Higgins and
Pickerings and stands behind it waiting for the girl to sit down].
THE FLOWER GIRL. Ah-ah-ah-ow-ow-oo ! [She stands^ half
rebellious^ half bewildered].
PICKERING [very courteous] Wont you sit down ?
LIZA [coyly] Dont mind if I do. [She sits down, Pickering
returns to the hearthrug].
HIGGINS. Whats your name ?
THE FLOWER GIRL. Liza DooHttle.
HIGGINS [declaiming gravely]
Eliza, Elizabeth, Betsy and Bess,
They went to the woods to get a bird's nes' :
PICKERING. They found a nest with four eggs in it:
HIGGINS. They took one apiece, and left three in it.
They laugh heartily at their own wit.
1 8 Pygmalion Act ll
LIZA. Oh, dont be silly.
MRS PEARCE. You mustnt speak to the gentleman like that.
LIZA. Well, why wont he speak sensible to me?
HiGGiNS. Come back to business. How much do you
propose to pay me for the lessons ?
LIZA. Oh, I know whats right. A lady friend of mine
gets French lessons for eighteenpence an hour from a real
French gentleman. Well, you wouldnt have the face to
ask me the same for teaching me my own language as you
would for French ; so I wont give more than a shilling.
Take it or leave it.
HIGGINS [walking up a?id down the room, rattling his keys
and his cash in his pockets'] You know, Pickering, if you
consider a shilling, not as a simple shilling, but as a per-
centage of this girl's income, it works out as fully equiva-
lent to sixty or seventy guineas from a millionaire.
PICKERING. How so?
HIGGINS. Figure it out. A millionaire has about ;^I50 a
day. She earns about half-a-crown.
LIZA [haughtily] Who told you I only —
HIGGINS [continuing'] She offers me two-fifths of her day's
income for a lesson. Two-fifths of a millionaire's income
for a day would be somewhere about £60. It's handsome.
By George, it's enormous ! it's the biggest offer I ever had.
LIZA [rising, terrified] Sixty pounds ! What are you talk-
ing about? I never offered you sixty pounds. Where
would I get —
HIGGINS. Hold your tongue.
LIZA [weeping] But I aint got sixty pounds. Oh —
MRS PEARCE. Dout Cry, you silly girl. Sit down. No-
body is going to touch your money.
HIGGINS. Somebody is going to touch you, with a broom-
stick, if you dont stop snivelling. Sit down.
LIZA [obeying slowly] Ah-ah-ah-ow-00-o ! One would
think you was my father.
HIGGINS. If I decide to teach you, I'll be worse than two
fathers to you. Here [he offers her his silk handkerchief] !
Act II Pygmalion 1 9
LIZA. Whats this for r
HiGGiNS. To wipe your eyes. To wipe any part of your
face that feels moist. Remember : thats your handkerchief;
and thats your sleeve. Dont mistake the one for the other
if you wish to become a lady in a shop.
Liza, utterly bewildered, stares helplessly at him.
MRS PEARCE. It's no use talking to her like that, Mr
Higgins : she doesnt understand you. Besides, youre
quite wrong: she doesnt do it that way at all \_she takes the
handkerchief].
LIZA [snatching it] Here! You give me that handkerchief.
He give it to me, not to you.
PICKERING [laughing] He did. I think it must be regarded
as her property, Mrs Pearce.
MRS PEARCE [resigning herself] Serve you right, Mr Higgins.
PICKERING. Higgins : I'm interested. What about the
ambassador's garden party? I'll say youre the greatest
teacher alive if you make that good. I'll bet you all the
expenses of the experiment you cant do it. And I'll pay
for the lessons.
LIZA. Oh, you are real good. Thank you. Captain.
HIGGINS [tempted, looking at her] It's almost irresistible.
She's so deliciously low — so horribly dirty —
LIZA [protesting extremely] Ah-ah-ah-ah-ow-ow-oo-oo ! ! !
I aint dirty : I washed my face and hands afore I come, I did.
PICKERING. Youre certainly not going to turn her head
with flattery, Higgins.
MRS PEARCE [uneasy] Oh, dont say that, sir : theres
more ways than one of turning a girl's head ; and nobody
can do it better than Mr Higgins, though he may not
always mean it. I do hope, sir, you wont encourage him to
do anything foolish.
HIGGINS [becoming excited as the idea grows on him] What
is life but a series of inspired follies ? The difficulty is to
find them to do. Never lose a chance : it doesnt come
everyday. I shall make a duchess of this draggletailed
guttersnipe.
20 Pygmalion Act II
LIZA [strongly deprecating this view of her] Ah-ah-ah-ow-
ow-oo !
HiGGiNS [carried azoay] Yes : in six months — in three if
she has a good ear and a quick tongue — I'll take her any-
where and pass her ofF as anything. We'll start to-day :
now! this moment! Take her away and clean her, Mrs
Pearce. Monkey Brand, if it wont come off any other
way. Is there a good fire in the kitchen ?
MKS FEAKCE [protesting]. Yes; but —
HIGGINS [storming on] Take all her clothes ofi^ and burn
them. Ring up Whiteley or somebody for new ones. Wrap
her up in brown paper til they come.
LIZA. Youre no gentleman, youre not, to talk of such
things. I'm a good girl, I am ; and I know what the like
of you are, I do.
HIGGINS. We want none of your Lisson Grove prudery
here, young woman. Youve got to learn to behave like a
duchess. Take her away, Mrs Pearce. If she gives you any
trouble, wallop her.
LIZA [springing up and running between Pickering and Mrs
Pearce for protection] No! I'll call the police, I will.
MRS PEARCE. But Ive no place to put her.
HIGGINS. Put her in the dustbin.
LIZA. Ah-ah-ah-ow-ow-oo !
PICKERING. Oh come, Higgins ! be reasonable.
MRS PEARCE [resolutely] You must be reasonable, Mr
Higgins : really you must. You cant walk over everybody
like this.
Higgins, thus scolded, subsides. The hurricane is succeeded
by a zephyr of amiable surprise.
HIGGINS [with professional exquisiteness of modulation] I
walk over everybody ! My dear Mrs Pearce, my dear
Pickering, I never had the slightest intention of walking
over anyone. All I propose is that we should be kind to
this poor girl. We must help her to prepare and fit herself
for her new station in life. If I did not express myself clearly
it was because I did not wish to hurt her delicacy, or yours.
Act II Pygmalion 2 1
Liza^ reassured, steals back to her chair.
MRS PEARCE \to Pickering] Well, did you ever hear any-
thing like that, sir ?
PICKERING {laughing heartily] Never, Mrs Pearce : never.
HiGGiNs [patiently] Whats the matter ?
MRS PEARCE. Well, the matter is, sir, that you cant take
a girl up like that as if you were picking up a pebble on
the beach.
HIGGINS. Why not?
MRS PEARCE. Why not ! But you dont know anything
about her. What about her parents? She may be married.
LIZA. Garn !
HIGGINS. There ! As the girl very properly says, Garn !
Married indeed ! Dont you know that a woman of that
class looks a worn out drudge of fifty a year after shes
married ?
LIZA. Whood marry me?
HIGGINS {suddenly resorting to the most thrillingly beautiful
low tones in his best elocutionary style] By George, Eliza, the
streets will be strewn with the bodies of men shooting
themselves for your sake before Ive done with you.
MRS PEARCE. Nonsense, sir. You mustnt talk like that
to her.
LIZA {rising and squaring herself determinedly] I'm going
away. He's oiF his chump, he is. I dont want no balmies
teaching me.
HIGGINS {wounded in his tenderest point by her insensibility
to his elocution] Oh, indeed ! I'm mad, am I ? Very well,
Mrs Pearce : you neednt order the new clothes for her.
Throw her out.
LIZA {whimpering] Nah-ow. You got no right to touch me.
MRS PEARCE. You sce now what comes of being saucy.
{Indicating the door] This way, please.
\.izK {almost in tears] 1 didnt want no clothes. I wouldnt
have taken them {she throws away the handkerchief]. I can
buy my own clothes.
HIGGINS {deftly retrieving the handkerchief and intercepting
22 Pygmalion Act II
her on her reluctant zvay to the door"] Youre an ungrateful wicked
girl. This is my return for offering to take you out of the
gutter and dress you beautifully and make a lady of you.
MRS PEARCE. Stop, Mr. Higgins. I wont allow it. It's
you that are wicked. Go home to your parents, girl ; and
tell them to take better care of you.
LIZA. I aint got no parents. They told me I was big
enough to earn my own living and turned me out.
MRS PEARCE. Whcrcs your mother?
LIZA. I aint got no mother. Her that turned me out
was my sixth stepmother. But I done without them. And
I'm a good girl, I am.
HIGGINS. Very well, then, what on earth is all this fuss
about? The girl doesnt belong to anybody — is no use to
anybody but me. [He goes to Mrs Pearce and begins coax-
ing.'] You can adopt her, Mrs Pearce : I'm sure a daughter
would be a great amusement to you. Now dont make any
more fuss. Take her downstairs ; and —
MRS PEARCE. But whats to become of her? Is she to be
paid anything? Do be sensible, sir.
HIGGINS. Oh, pay her whatever is necessary : put it down
in the housekeeping book. [Impatiently] What on earth
will she want with money? She'll have her food and her
clothes. She'll only drink if you give her money.
LIZA [turning on him] Oh you are a brute. It's a lie :
nobody ever saw the sign of liquor on me. [She goes back
to her chair and plants herself there defiantly],
PICKERING [in good-humored remonstrance] Does it occur
to you, Higgins, that the girl has some feelings ?
HIGGINS [looking critically at her] Oh no, I dont think so.
Not any feelings that we need bother about. [Cheerily]
Have you, Eliza ?
LIZA. I got my feelings same as anyone else.
HIGGINS [to Pickerings reflectively] You see the difficulty ?
PICKERING. Eh? What difficulty?
HIGGINS. To get her to talk grammar. The mere pro-
nunciation is easy enough.
Act II Pygmalion 23
LIZA. 1 dont want to talk grammar. I want to talk like
a lady.
MRS PEARCE. Will you please keep to the point, Mr
Higgins. I want to know on what terms the girl is to be
here. Is she to have any wages ? And what is to become
of her when youve finished your teaching? You must look
ahead a little.
HIGGINS [impatiently'\ Whats to become of her if I leave
her in the gutter? Tell me that, Mrs Pearce.
MRS PEARCE. Thats her own business, not yours, Mr
Higgins.
HIGGINS. Well, when Ive done with her, we can throw
her back into the gutter; and then it will be her own
business again ; so thats all right.
LIZA. Oh, youve no feeling heart in you : you dont care
for nothing but yourself [she rises and takes the floor resol-
utelf\. Here ! Ive had enough of this. I'm going [making
for the door]. You ought to be ashamed of yourself, you
ought.
HIGGINS [snatching a chocolate cream from the piano^ Ins
eyes suddenly beginning to twinkle with mischief '\ Have some
chocolates, Eliza.
LIZA [halting, tempted'] How do I know what might be in
them? Ive heard of girls being drugged by the like of you.
Higgins whips out his penknife ; cuts a chocolate in two ;
puts one half into his mouth and bolts it ; and offers her the
other half
HIGGINS. Pledge of good faith, Eliza. I eat one half:
you eat the other. [Li7:a opens her mouth to retort : he
pops the half chocolate into it\ You shall have boxes of
them, barrels of them, every day. You shall live on
them. Eh?
LIZA [who has disposed of the chocolate afier being nearly
choked by it] I wouldnt have ate it, only I'm too ladylike
to take it out of my mouth.
HIGGINS. Listen, Eliza. I think you said you came in a
taxi.
24 Pygmalion Act ll
LIZA, Well, what if I did? Ive as good a right to take a
taxi as anyone else.
HiGGiNS. You have, Eliza; and in future you shall have
as many taxis as you want. You shall go up and down and
round the town in a taxi every day. Think of that, Eliza.
MRS PEARCE. Mr Higgins : youre tempting the girl. Its
not right. She should think of the future.
HIGGINS. At her age ! Nonsense ! Time enough to think
of the future when you havnt any future to think of. No,
Eliza : do as this lady does : think of other people's futures ;
but never think of your own. Think of chocolates, and
taxis, and gold, and diamonds.
LIZA. No : I dont want no gold and no diamonds. I'm a
good girl, I am. [S/?e sits dotun again, with an attempt at dignity"].
HIGGINS. You shall remain so, Eliza, under the care of Mrs
Pearce. And you shall marry an officer in the Guards, with
a beautiful moustache : the son of a marquis, who will dis-
inherit him for marrying you, but will relent when he sees
your beauty and goodness —
PICKERING. Excuse me, Higgins ; but I really must inter-
fere. Mrs Pearce is quite right. If this girl is to put herself
in your hands for six months for an experiment in teaching,
she must understand thoroughly what shes doing.
HIGGINS. How can she? Shes incapable of understanding
anything. Besides, do any of us understand what we are
doing? If we did, would we ever do it?
PICKERING. Very clever, Higgins; but not sound sense.
[To Eliza] Miss Doolittle—
LIZA, [overwhelmed] Ah-ah-ow-oo !
HIGGINS. There ! Thats all youll get out of Eliza. Ah-
ah-ow-oo ! No use explaining. As a military man you ought
to know that. Give her her orders : thats what she wants.
Eliza : you are to live here for the next six months, learning
how to speak beautifully, like a lady in a florist's shop. If
youre good and do whatever youre told, you shall sleep in
a proper bedroom, and have lots to eat, and money to buy
chocolates and take rides in taxis. If youre naughty and
Act II Pygmalion 25
idle you will sleep in the back kitchen among the black
beetles, and be walloped by Mrs Pearce with a broomstick.
At the end of six months you shall go to Buckingham Palace
in a carriage, beautifully dressed. If the King finds out
youre not a lady, you will be taken by the police to the
Tower of London, where your head will be cut off as a
warning to other presumptuous flower girls. If you are not
found out, you shall have a present of seven-and-sixpence
to start life with as a lady in a shop. If you refuse this offer
you will be a most ungrateful and wicked girl; and the
angels will weep for you. \To Pickering] Now are you
satisfied, Pickering .!* [To Mrs Pearce] Can I put it more
plainly and fairly, Mrs Pearce?
MRS PEARCE [patiently] I think youd better let me speak
to the girl properly in private. I dont know that 1 can take
charge of her or consent to the arrangement at all. Of
course I know you dont mean her any harm ; but when you
get what you call interested in peoples' accents, you never
think or care what may happen to them or you. Come
with me, Eliza.
HiGGiNS. Thats all right. Thank you, Mrs Pearce.
Bundle her off to the bath-room.
LIZA [rising reluctantly and suspiciously] Youre a great bully,
you are. I wont stay here if I dont like. I wont let no-
body wallop me. I never asked to go to Bucknam Palace,
I didnt. I was never in trouble with the police, not me. Im
a good girl —
MRS PEARCE. Dont answer back, girl. You dont under-
stand the gentleman. Come with me. [She leads the way to
the door, and holds it open for Eliza].
LIZA [as she goes out] Well, what I say is right. I wont
go near the king, not if I'm going to have my head cut off.
If I'd known what I was letting myself in for, I wouldnt
have come here. I always been a good girl ; and I never
offered to say a word to him ; and I dont owe him nothing ;
and I dont care; and I wont be put upon; and I have my
feelings the same as anyone else —
26 Pygmalion Act II
Mrs Pearce shuts the door ; and Eliza! s plaints are no longer
audible. Pickering comes from the hearth to the chair and sits
astride it with his arms on the back.
PICKERING. Excuse the straight question, Higgins. Are
you a man of good character where women are concerned ?
HIGGINS \moodilsi\ Have you ever met a man of good
character where women are concerned?
PICKERING. Yes : very frequently.
HIGGINS {dogmatically^ lifting himself on his hands to the level
of the pianoy and sitting on it with a bounce'] Well, I havnt.
I find that the moment I let a woman make friends with me,
she becomes jealous, exacting, suspicious, and a damned
nuisance. I find that the moment I let myself make friends
with a woman, I become selfish and tyrannical. Women
upset everything. When you let them into your life, you
find that the woman is driving at one thing and youre
driving at another.
PICKERING. At what, for example ?
HIGGINS [^coming off the piano restlessly] Oh, Lord knows !
I suppose the woman wants to live her own life ; and the
man wants to live his ; and each tries to drag the other on
to the wrong track. One wants to go north and the other
south ; and the result is that both have to go east, though
they both hate the east wind. \^He sits down on the bench at
the keyboard]. So here I am, a confirmed old bachelor, and
likely to remain so.
PICKERING [rising and standing over him gravely] Come,
Higgins ! You know what I mean. If I'm to be in this
business I shall feel responsible for that girl. I hope it's
understood that no advantage is to be taken of her position.
HIGGINS. What ! That thing ! Sacred, I assure you.
[Rising to explain] You see, she'll be a pupil ; and teach-
ing would be impossible unless pupils were sacred. Ivc
taught scores of American millionairesses how to speak
English : the best looking women in the world. I'm
seasoned. They might as well be blocks of wood. / might
as well be a block of wood. It's —
Act II Pygmalion 27
Mrs Pearce opens the door. She has EHza^s hat in her hand,
Pickering retires to the easy chair at the hearth and sits down.
HiGGiNS [eagerly^ Well, Mrs Pearce : is it all right?
MRS PEARCE [cit the door'] I just wish to trouble you with
a word, if I may, Mr Higgins.
HfGGiNs. Yes, certainly. Come in. [She comes forward^
Dont burn that, Mrs Pearce. I'll keep it as a curiosity.
[He takes the hat].
MRS PEARCE. Handle it carefully, sir, please. I had to
promise her not to burn it; but I had better put it in the
oven for a while.
HIGGINS [putting it down hastily on the piano] Oh ! thank
you. Well, what have you to say to me ?
PICKERING. Am I in the way?
MRS PEARCE. Not at all, sir. Mr Higgins : will you please
be very particular what you say before the girl?
HIGGINS [stern/y] Of course. I'm always particular about
what I say. Why do you say this to me ?
MRS PEARCE [unmoved] No, sir : youre not at all particular
when youve mislaid anything or when you get a little im-
patient. Now it doesnt matter before me : I'm used to it.
But you really must not swear before the girl.
HiGGim [indignant/y] /swear! [Most emphatically] I never
swear. I detest the habit. What the devil do you mean?
MRS PEARCE [stoHdly] Thats what I mean, sir. You swear
a great deal too much. I dont mind your damning and
blasting, and what the devil and where the devil and
who the devil —
HIGGINS. Mrs Pearce : this language from your lips !
Really!
MRS PEARCE [not to be put off] — but there is a certain word
I must ask you not to use. The girl has just used it herself
because the bath was too hot. It begins with the same
letter as bath. She knows no better: she learnt it at her
mother's knee. But she must not hear it from your lips.
HIGGINS [loftily] I cannot charge myself with having ever
uttered it, Mrs Pearce. [She looks at him- steadfastly. He
28 Pygmalion Act li
adds^ hiding an uneasy conscience with a judicial air] Except
perhaps in a moment of extreme and justifiable excite-
ment.
MRS PEARCE. Only this morning, sir, you applied it to
your boots, to the butter, and to the brown bread.
HiGGiNS. Oh, that ! Mere alliteration, Mrs Pearce,
natural to a poet.
MRS PEARCE. Well, sir, whatever you choose to call it, I
beg you not to let the girl hear you repeat it.
HIGGINS. Oh, very well, very well. Is that all.?
MRS PEARCE, No, sir. We shall have to be very particular
with this girl as to personal cleanliness.
HIGGINS. Certainly. Quite right. Most important.
MRS PEARCE. I mean not to be slovenly about her dress
or untidy in leaving things about.
HIGGINS [going to her solemnly] Just so. I intended to call
your attention to that. [He passes on to Pickering, who is
enjoying the conversation immensely]. It is these little things
that matter, Pickering. Take care of the pence and the
pounds will take care of themselves is as true of personal
habits as of money. [He comes to anchor on the hearthrugs
with the air of a man in an unassailable position],
MRS PEARCE. Ycs, sir. Then might I ask you not to
come down to breakfast in your dressing-gown, or at
any rate not to use it as a napkin to the extent you do,
sir. And if you would be so good as not to eat every-
thing off the same plate, and to remember not to put the
porridge saucepan out of your hand on the clean table-
cloth, it would be a better example to the girl. You know
you nearly choked yourself with a fishbone in the jam only
last week.
HIGGINS [routed from the hearthrug and drifting back to the
piano] I may do these things sometimes in absence of mind ;
but surely I dont do them habitually. [Angrily] By the
way : my dressing-gown smells most damnably of benzine.
MRS PEARCE. No doubt it does, Mr Higgins. But if you
will wipe your fingers —
Act II Pygmalion 29
HiGGiNs \^yelling] Oh very well, very well : I'll wipe them
in my hair in future.
MRS PEARCE. I hope yourc not offended, Mr Higgins.
HIGGINS [shocked at finding himself thought capable of an un~
amiable sentiment^ Not at all, not at all. Youre quite right,
Mrs Pearce : I shall be particularly careful before the girl.
Is that all ?
MRS PEARCE. No, sir. Might she use some of those
Japanese dresses you brought from abroad? I really cant
put her back into her old things.
HIGGINS. Certainly. Anything you like. Is that all?
MRS PEARCE. Thank you, sir. Thats all. \_She goes
out].
HIGGINS. You know, Pickering, that woman has the most
extraordinary ideas about me. Here I am, a shy, diffident
sort of man. Ive never been able to feel really grown-up
and tremendous, like other chaps. And yet shes firmly
persuaded that I'm an arbitrary overbearing bossing kind
of person. I cant account for it.
Mrs Pearce returns.
MRS PEARCE. If you plcasc, sir, the trouble's beginning
already. Theres a dustman downstairs, Alfred Doolittle,
wants to see you. He says you have his daughter here.
PICKERING [rising] Phew! I say! [He retreats to the
hearthrug].
HIGGINS [promptly] Send the blackguard up.
MRS PEARCE. Oh, Very well, sir. [She goes out].
PICKERING. He may not be a blackguard, Higgins.
HIGGINS. Nonsense. Of course hes a blackguard.
PICKERING. Whether he is or not, I'm afraid we shall
have some trouble with him.
HIGGINS [confidently] Oh no : I think not. If theres any
trouble he shall have it with me, not I with him. And we
are sure to get something interesting out of him.
PICKERING. About the girl?
HIGGINS. No. I mean his dialect.
PICKERING. Oh !
30 Pygmalion Act II
MRS PEARCE [at the door\ Doolittle, sir. [^he admits Doo-
little and retires].
Alfred Doolittle is an elderly but vigorous dustman^ clad in
the costume of his profession^ including a hat with a back brim
covering his neck and shoulders. He has well marked and
rather interesting features, and seems equally free from fear
and conscience. He has a remarkably expressive voice, the
result of a habit of giving vent to his feelings without
reserve. His present pose is that of zvounded honor and stern
resolution.
DOOLITTLE [at the door, uncertain which of the two gentle-
men is his man] Professor Higgins ?
HiGGiNS. Here. Good morning. Sit down.
DOOLITTLE. Moming, Governor. [He sits down magis-
terially] I come about a very serious matter, Governor.
HIGGINS [to Pickering] Brought up in Hounslow. Mother
Welsh, I should think. [Doolittle opens his mouth, amazed.
Higgins continues] What do you want, Doolittle?
DOOLITTLE [menacingly] I want my daughter : thats what
I want. See ?
HiGGJNs. Of course you do. Youre her father, arnt you ?
You dont suppose anyone else wants her, do you ? I'm
glad to see you have some spark of family feeling left.
Shcs upstairs. Take her away at once.
DOOLITTLE [rising, fearfully taken aback] What !
HIGGINS. Take her away. Do you suppose I'm going to
keep your daughter for you ?
DOOLITTLE [remonstrating] Now, now, look here. Governor.
Is this reasonable? Is it fairity to take advantage of a man
like this? The girl belongs to me. You got her. Where
do I come in ? [He sits down again].
HIGGINS. Your daughter had the audacity to come to my
house and ask me to teach her how to speak properly so
that she could get a place in a flower-shop. This gentleman
and my housekeeper have been here all the time. [Bullying
him] How dare you come here and attempt to blackmail
me? You sent her here on purpose.
Act II Pygmalion 3 1
DOOLiTTLE [protesting] No, Governor.
HiGGiNS. You must have. How else could you possibly
know that she is here?
DOOLITTLE. Dont take a man up like that, Governor.
HIGGINS. The police shall take you up. This is a plant
— a plot to extort money by threats. I shall telephone for
the police [he goes resolutely to the telephone and opens the
directory].
DOOLITTLE. Havc I asked you for a brass farthing? I leave
it to the gentleman here : have I said a word about money ?
HIGGINS [throwing the book aside and marching down on
Doolittle with a poser] What else did you come for?
DOOLITTLE [swectly] Well, what would a man come for?
Be human, Governor.
HIGGINS [disarmed] Alfred : did you put her up to it?
DOOLITTLE. So help me. Governor, I never did. I take
my Bible oath I aint seen the girl these two months past.
HIGGINS. Then how did you know she was here?
DOOLITTLE [" most musical^ most melancholy "] I'll tell
you. Governor, if youll only let me get a word in. I'm
willing to tell you. I'm wanting to tell you. I'm waiting
to tell you.
HIGGINS. Pickering : this chap has a certain natural gift
of rhetoric. Observe the rhythm of his native woodnotes
wild. " I'm willing to tell you : I'm wanting to tell you :
I'm waiting to tell you." Sentimental rhetoric ! thats the
Welsh Strain in him. It also accounts for his mendacity
and dishonesty.
PICKERING. Oh, please, Higgins : I'm west country
myself. [2T? Doolittle] How did you know the girl was
here if you didnt send her?
DOOLITTLE. It was like this, Governor. The girl took a
boy in the taxi to give him a jaunt. Son of her landlady,
he is. He hung about on the chance of her giving him
another ride home. Well, she sent him back for her lug-
gage when she heard you was willing for her to stop here.
I met the boy at the corner of Long Acre and Endell Street.
32 Pygmalion Act II
HiGGiNS. Public house. Yes?
DooLiTTLE. The pooF Hian's club, Governor: why
shouldnt I?
PICKERING. Do let him tell his story, Higgins.
DOOLITTLE. He told me what was up. And I ask you,
what was my feelings and my duty as a father ? I says to
the boy, " You bring me the luggage," I says —
PICKERING. Why didnt you go for it yourself?
DOOLITTLE. Landlady wouldnt have trusted me with it.
Governor. Shes that kind of woman: you know. I had
to give the boy a penny afore he trusted me with it, the
little swine. I brought it to her just to oblige you like,
and make myself agreeable. Thats all.
HIGGINS. How much luggage ?
DOOLITTLE. Musical instrument. Governor. A few pic-
tures, a trifle of jewlery, and a bird-cage. She said she
didnt want no clothes. What was T to think from that,
Governor? I ask you as a parent what was I to think?
HIGGINS. So you came to rescue her from worse than
death, eh?
DOOLITTLE [appreciatively : relieved at being so well under-
stood'\ Just so. Governor. Thats right.
PICKERING. But why did you bring her luggage if you
intended to take her away?
DOOLITTLE. Havc I Said a word about taking her away?
Have I now?
HIGGINS {determinedly^ Youre going to take her away,
double quick. \H.e crosses to the hearth and rings the
bell].
DOOLITTLE [rising] No, Governor. Dont say that. I'm
not the man to stand in my girl's light. Heres a career
opening for her, as you might say ; and —
Mrs Pearce opens the door and awaits orders.
HIGGINS. Mrs Pearce : this is Eliza's father. He has come
to take her away. Give her to him. [He goes back to the
piano, with an air of washing his hands of the whole affair].
DOOLITTLE. No. This is a misunderstanding. Listen here —
Act II Pygmalion 33
MRS PEARCE. Hc cant take her away, Mr Higgins : how-
can he? You told me to burn her clothes.
DOOLiTTLE. Thats right. 1 cant carry the girl through
the streets like a blooming monkey, can I? I put it to you.
HIGGINS. You have put it to me that you want your
daughter. Take your daughter. If she has no clothes go
out and buy her some.
DOOLITTLE [desperate] Wheres the clothes she come in ?
Did I burn them or did your missus here ?
MRS PEARCE. I am the housekeeper, if you please. I have
sent for some clothes for your girl. When they come you
can take her away. You can wait in the kitchen. This
way, please.
Doolittle^ much troubled^ accompanies her to the door ; then
hesitates ; finally turns confidentially to Higgins.
DOOLITTLE. Listen here. Governor. You and me is men
of the world, aint we ?
HIGGINS. Oh! Men of the world, are we? Youd better
go, Mrs Pearce.
MRS PEARCE. I think so, indeed, sir. \^he goes^ with dignity].
PICKERING. The floor is yours, Mr Doolittle.
DOOLITTLE [/(? Pickering] I thank you. Governor. [To
Higgins^ who takes refuge on the piano bench, a little over-
whelmed by the proximity of his visitor; for Doolittle has a
professional favor of dust about him]. Well, the truth is, Ive
taken a sort of fancy to you, Governor ; and if you want
the girl, I'm not so set on having her back home again but
what I might be open to an arrangement. Regarded in the
light of a young woman, shes a fine handsome girl. As a
daughter shes not worth her keep ; and so I tell you straight.
All I ask is my rights as a father ; and youre the last man
alive to expect me to let her go for nothing ; for I can see
youre one of the straight sort. Governor. Well, whats a five
pound note to you ? And whats Eliza to me ? [He returns
to his chair and sits down judicially].
PICKERING. I think you ought to know, Doolittle, that
Mr Higgins's intentions are entirely honorable.
D
34 Pygmalion Act il
DOOLiTTLE. Coufsc they are, Governor. If I thought
they wasnt, Id ask fifty.
HiGGiNS [revolted'\ Do you mean to say, you callous rascal,
that you would sell your daughter for ^^50?
DOOLITTLE. Not in a general way I wouldnt; but to
oblige a gentleman like you I'd do a good deal, I do assure
you.
PICKERING. Have you no morals, man.''
DOOLITTLE [unabashed] Cant afford them, Governor.
Neither could you if you was as poor as me. Not that I
mean any harm, you know. But if Liza is going to have a
bit out of this, why not me too }
HIGGINS {^troubledl I dont know what to do, Pickering.
There can be no question that as a matter of morals it's a
positive crime to give this chap a farthing. And yet I feel
a sort of rough justice in his claim.
DOOLITTLE. Thats it. Governor. Thats all I say. A father's
heart, as it were.
PICKERING. Well, I know the feeling; but really it
seems hardly right —
DOOLITTLE. Dont Say that, Governor. Dont look at it
that way. What am I, Governors both } I ask you, what
ami? I'm one of the undeserving poor : thats what I am.
Think of what that means to a man. It means that hes up
agen middle class morality all the time. If theres any-
thing going, and I put in for a bit of it, it's always the
same story : '* Youre undeserving; so you cant have it."
But my needs is as great as the most deserving widow's that
ever got money out of six different charities in one week for
the death of the same husband. I dont need less than a
deserving man : I need more. I dont eat less hearty than
him ; and I drink a lot more. I want a bit of amusement,
cause I'm a thinking man. I want cheerfulness and a song
and a band when I feel low. Well, they charge me just
the same for everything as they charge the deserving. What
is middle class morality.? Just an excuse for never giving
me anything. Therefore, I ask you, as two gentlemen, not
Act II Pygmalion 35
to play that game on me. I'm playing straight with you.
I aint pretending to be deserving. I'm undeserving; and I
mean to go on being undeserving. I like it ; and thats the
truth. Will you take advantage of a man's nature to do
him out of the price of his own daughter what hes brought
up and fed and clothed by the sweat of his brow until
shes growed big enough to be interesting to you two
gentlemen ? Is five pounds unreasonable ? I put it to you ;
and I leave it to you.
HiGGiNs [rising, and going over to Pickering^ Pickering :
if we were to take this man in hand for three months, he
could choose between a seat in the Cabinet and a popular
pulpit in Wales.
PICKERING. What do you say to that, Doolittle ?
DOOLiTTLE. Not me, Governor, thank you kindly. Ive
heard all the preachers and all the prime ministers — for I'm
a thinking man and game for politics or religion or social
reform same as all the other amusements — and I tell you
it's a dog's life anyway you look at it. Undeserving poverty
is my line. Taking one station in society with another, it's
— it's — well, it's the only one that has any ginger in it, to
my taste.
HIGGINS. I suppose we must give him a fiver.
PICKERING. He'll make a bad use of it, I'm afraid.
DOOLITTLE. Not mc, Govcmor, so help me I wont.
Dont you be afraid that I'll save it and spare it and live
idle on it. There wont be a penny of it left by Monday :
I'll have to go to work same as if I'd never had it. It wont
pauperize me, you bet. Just one good spree for myself and
the missus, giving pleasure to ourselves and employment to
others, and satisfaction to you to think it's not been throwed
away. You couldnt spend it better.
HIGGINS [taking out his pocket book and coming between
Doolittle and the piano'\ This is irresistible. Lets give him
ten. {He offers two notes to the dustman].
DOOLITTLE. No, Govcmor. She wouldnt have the heart
to spend ten ; and perhaps I shouldnt neither. Ten
36 Pygmalion Act II
pounds is a lot of money : it makes a man feel prudent
like ; and then goodbye to happiness. You give mc what
I ask you, Governor : not a penny more, and not a penny
less.
PICKERING. Why dont you marry that missus of yours ?
I rather draw the line at encouraging that sort of im-
morality.
DOOLiTTLE. Tell her so. Governor : tell her so. /'m
willing. It's me that suffers by it. Ive no hold on her. I
got to be agreeable to her. I got to give her presents. I
got to buy her clothes something sinful. I'm a slave to
that woman. Governor, just because I'm not her lawful
husband. And she knows it too. Catch her marrying
me ! Take my advice, Governor : marry Eliza while
shes young and dont know no better. If you dont
youll be sorry for it after. If you do, she'll be sorry for
it after ; but better you than her, because youre a man, and
shes only a woman and dont know how to be happy anyhow.
HiGGiNS. Pickering : if we listen to this man another
minute, we shall have no convictions left. [To Doolittle'\
Five pounds I think you said.
DOOLITTLE. Thank you kindly, Governor.
HiGGiNS. Youre sure you wont take ten ?
DOOLITTLE. Not now. Another time. Governor.
HIGGINS [handing him a Jive-pound note] Here you are.
DOOLITTLE. Thank you, Govcmor. Good morning. [He
hurries to the door^ anxious to get away with his booty. When
he opens it he is confronted with a dainty and exquisitely clean
young "Japanese lady in a simple blue cotton kimono printed
cunningly with small white jasmine blossoms. Mrs Pearce is
with her. He gets out of her way deferentially and apologizes'].
Beg pardon, miss.
THE JAPANESE LADY. Gam ! Dout you know your own
daughter?
DOOLITTLE
HIGGINS
PICKERING
exclaiming TBly me ! it's Eliza !
simul- \ Whats that ! This !
taneously [By Jove!
Act II Pygmalion 37
LIZA. Dont I look silly?
HiGGiNs. Silly?
MRS PEARCE [at the door] Now, Mr Higgins, please dont
say anything to make the girl conceited about herself.
HIGGINS [conscientiously'] Oh ! Quite right, Mrs Pearce.
[To Eliza] Yes ; damned silly.
MRS PEARCE. Plcasc, sir.
HIGGINS [correcting himself] I mean extremely silly.
LIZA. I should look all right with my hat on. [She takes
up her hat ; puts it on ; and walks across the room to the fire-
place with a fashionable air].
HIGGINS. A new fashion, by George ! And it ought to
look horrible !
DOOLiTTLE [with fatherly pride] Well, I never thought
she'd clean up as good looking as that. Governor. Shes a
credit to me, aint she?
LIZA. I tell you, it's easy to clean up here. Hot and
cold water on tap, just as much as you like, there is.
Woolly towels, there is ; and a towel horse so hot, it burns
your fingers. Soft brushes to scrub yourself, and a wooden
bowl of soap smelling like primroses. Now T know why
ladies is so clean. Washing's a treat for them. Wish they
saw what it is for the like of me !
HIGGINS. I'm glad the bath-room met with your
approval.
LIZA. It didnt : not all of it; and I dont care who hears
me say it. Mrs Pearce knows.
HIGGINS. What was wrong, Mrs Pearce?
MRS PEARCE [hlandly] Oh, nothing, sir. It doesnt matter.
LIZA. I had a good mind to break it. I didnt know
which way to look. But I hung a towel over it, I did.
HIGGINS. Over what?
MRS PEARCE. Ovcr the leoking-glass, sir.
HIGGINS. Doolittlc : you have brought your daughter up
too strictly.
DOOLITTLE. Me ! I ncvcr brought her up at all, except
to give her a lick of a strap now and again. Dont put it on
38 Pygmalion Act II
me, Governor. She aint accustomed to it, you see : thats
all. But she'll soon pick up your free-and-easy ways.
LIZA. I'm a good girl, I am ; and I wont pick up no
free and easy ways.
HiGGiNs. Eliza : if you say again that youre a good girl,
your father shall take you home.
LIZA. Not him. You dont know my father. All he
come here for was to touch you for some money to get
drunk on.
DOOLiTTLE. Well, what else would I want money for?
To put into the plate in church, I suppose. [S^e puts out
her tongue at him. He is so incensed by this that Pickering
presently finds it necessary to step between them\. Dont you
give me none of your lip ; and dont let me hear you giving
this gentleman any of it neither, or youll hear from me
about it. See?
HiGGiNS. Have you any further advice to give her before
you go, Doolittle ? Your blessing, for instance.
DOOLITTLE. No, Govcmor : I aint such a mug as to put
up my children to all I know myself. Hard enough to
hold them in without that. If you want Eliza's mind im-
proved, Governor, you do it yourself with a strap. So
long, gentlemen. \He turns to go\
HIGGINS \impresst%>ely'\ Stop. Youll come regularly to see
your daughter. It's your duty, you know. My brother is
a clergyman ; and he could help you in your talks with her.
DOOLITTLE [evasivelyl Certainly. I'll come. Governor.
Not just this week, because I have a job at a distance.
But later on you may depend on me. Afternoon, gentle-
men. Afternoon, maam. [He takes off his hat to Mrs Pearce^
who disdains the salutation and goes out. He winks at Higgins^
thinking him probably a fellow sufferer from Mrs Pearce''s diffi-
cult disposition^ and follows her'].
LIZA. Dont you believe the old liar. He'd as soon you
set a bull-dog on him as a clergyman. You wont sec him
again in a hurry.
HIGGINS. I dont want to, Eliza. Do you ?
Act II Pygmalion 39
LIZA, Not me. I dont want never to see him again, I
dont. Hes a disgrace to me, he is, collecting dust, instead
of working at his trade.
PICKERING. What is his trade, Eliza?
LIZA. Talking money out of other people's pockets into
his own. His proper trade's a navvy; and he works at
it sometimes too — for exercise — and earns good money
at it. Aint you going to call me Miss Doolittle any more ?
PICKERING. I beg your pardon. Miss Doolittle. It was a
slip of the tongue.
LIZA. Oh, I dont mind ; only it sounded so genteel. I
should just like to take a taxi to the corner of Tottenham
Court Road and get out there and tell it to wait for me,
just to put the girls in their place a bit. I wouldnt speak
to them, you know.
PICKERING. Better wait til we get you something really
fashionable.
HiGGiNs. Besides, you shouldnt cut your old friends now
that you have risen in the world. Thats what we call
snobbery.
LIZA. You dont call the like of them my friends now, I
should hope. Theyve took it out of me often enough with
their ridicule when they had the chance ; and now I mean
to get a bit of my own back. But if I'm to have fashionable
clothes, I'll wait. I should like to have some. Mrs Pearce
says youre going to give me some to wear in bed at night
diiFerent to what I wear in the daytime ; but it do seem a
waste of money when you could get something to shew.
Besides, I never could fancy changing into cold things on
a winter night.
MRS PEARCE \coming back] Now, Eliza. The new things
have come for you to try on.
LIZA. Ah-ow-oo-ooh ! \^She rushes out],
MRS PEARCE ^following her\ Oh, dont rush about like that,
girl. \^he shuts the door behind her].
HIGGINS. Pickering: we have taken on a stiff job.
PICKERING [with conviction] Higgins: we have.
ACT III
// is Mrs Higgins's at-home day. Nobody has yet arrived.
Her drawing-room, in a fiat on Chelsea embankment, has three
windows looking on the river ; and the ceiling is not so lofty as
it would be in an older house of the same pretension. The
windows are open, giving access to a balcony with flowers in
pots. If you stand with your face to the windows, you have the
fireplace on your left and the door in the right-hand wall close
to the corner nearest the windows.
Mrs Higgins was brought up on Morris and Burne Jones;
and her room, which is very unlike her son's room in Wimpole
Street, is not crowded with furniture and little tables and nick-
nacks. In the middle of the room there is a big ottoman ; and
this, with the carpet, the Morris wall-papers, and the Morris
chintz window curtains and brocade covers of the ottoman and
its cushions, supply all the ornament, and are much too hand-
some to be hidden by odds and ends of useless things. A few
good oil-paintings from the exhibitions in the Grosvenor Gallery
thirty years ago {the Burne Jones, not the Whistler side of
them) are on the walls. The only landscape is a Cecil Lawson
on the scale of a Rubens. There is a portrait of Mrs Higgins
as she was when she defied fashion in her youth in one of the
beautiful Rossettian costumes which, when caricatured by people
who did not understand, led to the absurdities of popular
estheticism in the eighteen-seventies.
In the corner diagonally opposite the door Mrs Higgins, now
over sixty and long past taking the trouble to dress out of the
40
Act III Pygmalion 41
fashion^ sits writing at an elegantly simple writing-table with a
bell button within reach of her hand. There is a Chippendale
chair further back in the room between her and the window
nearest her side. At the other side of the room., further forward.^
is an Elizabethan chair roughly carved in the taste of Inigo
Jones. On the same side a piano in a decorated case. The
corner between the fireplace and the window is occupied by a
divan cushioned in Morris chintz.
It is between four and five in the afternoon.
The door is opened violently; and Higgins enters with his hat on,
MRS HIGGINS [dismayed'] Henry [scolding him] ! What are
you doing here to-day? It is my at-home day: you pro-
mised not to come, [As he bends to kiss her^ she takes his hat
off, and presents it to him].
HIGGINS. Oh bother! [He throws the hat down on the table].
MRS HIGGINS. Go home at once.
HIGGINS [kissing her] I know, mother. I came on purpose.
MRS HIGGINS. But you mustnt. I'm serious, Henry.
You offend all my friends : they stop coming whenever
they meet you.
HIGGINS. Nonsense I I know I have no small talk ; but
people dont mind. [He sits on the settee].
MRS HIGGINS. Oh! dout they ? Small talk indeed ! What
about your large talk ? Really, dear, you mustnt stay.
HIGGINS. I must. Ive a job for you. A phonetic job.
MRS HIGGINS. No use, dear. I'm sorry ; but I cant get
round your vowels ; and though I like to get pretty post-
cards in your patent shorthand, I always have to read the
copies in ordinary writing you so thoughtfully send me.
HIGGINS. Well, this isnt a phonetic job.
MRS HIGGINS. You Said it was.
HIGGINS. Not your part of it. Ive picked up a girl.
MRS HIGGINS. Does that mean that some girl has picked
you up.-*
HIGGINS. Not at all. I dont mean a love affair.
MRS HIGGINS. What a pity !
42 Pygmalion Act ill
HiGGiNS. Why?
MRS HIGGINS. Well, you never fall in love with anyone
under forty-five. When will you discover that there are
some rather nice-looking young women about ?
HIGGINS. Oh, I cant be bothered with young women.
My idea of a lovable woman is something as like you as
possible. I shall never get into the way of seriously liking
young women : some habits lie too deep to be changed.
[Rising abruptly and walking about, jingling his money and his
keys in his trouser pockets'\ Besides, theyre all idiots.
MRS HIGGINS. Do you kuow what you would do if you
really loved me, Henry ?
HIGGINS. Oh bother! What? Marry, I suppose?
MRS HIGGINS. No. Stop fidgeting and take your hands
out of your pockets. [With a gesture of despair, he obeys
and sits down again\ Thats a good boy. Now tell mc
about the girl.
HIGGINS. Shes coming to see you.
MRS HIGGINS. I dont remember asking her.
HIGGINS. You didnt. / asked her. If youd known her
you wouldnt have asked her.
MRS HIGGINS. Indeed! Why?
HIGGINS. Well, it's like this. Shes a common flower girl.
I picked her ofi^ the kerbstone.
MRS HIGGINS. And iuvited her to my at-home !
HIGGINS [rising and coming to her to coax her] Oh, thatU
be all right. Ive taught her to speak properly; and she
has strict orders as to her behavior. Shes to keep to two
subjects : the weather and everybody's health — Fine day
and How do you do, you know — and not to let herself
go on things in general. That will be safe.
MRS HIGGINS. Safe! To talk about our health ! about our
insidcs ! perhaps about our outsides ! How could you be
so silly, Henry?
HIGGINS [impatiently] Well, she must talk about some-
thing. [He controls himself and sits down again]. Oh, she'll
be all right : dont you fuss. Pickering is in it with me.
Act III Pygmalion 43
Ive a sort of bet on that I'll pass her ofF as a duchess in
six months. I started on her some months ago; and shes
getting on like a house on fire. I shall win my bet. She
has a quick ear; and shes been easier to teach than my
middle-class pupils because shes had to learn a complete
new language. She talks English almost as you talk French.
MRS HiGGiNs. Thats satisfactory, at all events.
HiGGiNs. Well, it is and it isnt.
MRS HIGGINS. What does that mean ?
HIGGINS. You see, Ive got her pronunciation all right ;
but you have to consider not only how a girl pronounces,
but what she pronounces; and thats where —
They are interrupted by the parlor-maid, announcing guests.
THE PARLOR-MAID. Mrs and Miss Eynsford Hill. \^She
withdraws^
HIGGINS. Oh Lord ! \^He rises; snatches his hat from the
table; and makes for the door ; but before he reaches it his mother
introduces him\.
Mrs and Miss Eynsford Hill are the mother and daughter
who sheltered from the rain in Covent Garden. The mother
is well bred, quiet, and has the habitual anxiety of straitened
means. The daughter has acquired a gay air of being very much
at home in society : the bravado of genteel poverty.
MRS EYNSFORD HILL \to Mrs Higgins'\ How do you do?
^hey shake hands'],
MISS EYNSFORD HILL. How d'you do ? [She shakes'],
MRS HIGGINS [introducing] My son Henry.
MRS EYNSFORD HILL. Your Celebrated son ! I have so
longed to meet you, Professor Higgins.
HIGGINS [glumly, making no movement in her direction]
Delighted. [He backs against the piano and bows brusquely],
MISS EYNSFORD HILL [gotng to him with confde?it familiarity]
How do you do ?
HIGGINS [staring at her] Ive seen you before somewhere.
I havnt the ghost of a notion where ; but Ive heard your
voice. [Drearily] It doesnt matter. Youd better sit
down.
44 Pygmalion Act ill
MRS HiGGiNS. I'm sorry to say that my celebrated son has
no manners. You mustnt mind him.
MISS EYNSFORD HILL [gai/y] I dont. [SSe sits in the Eliza-
bethan chair],
MRS EYNSFORD HILL [a little bewildered] Not at all. [She
sits on the ottoman between her daughter and Mrs Higgins,
who has turned her chair away from the writing-table].
HIGGINS. Oh, have I been rude? I didnt mean to be.
He goes to the central window^ through which, with his back to
the company, he contemplates the river and the flowers in Batter sea
Park on the opposite bank as if they were a frozen desert.
The parlor-maid returns, ushering in Pickering.
THE PARLOR-MAID. Coloncl Pickering. [She withdraws].
PICKERING. How do you do, Mrs Higgins ?
MRS HIGGINS. So glad youvc come. Do you know Mrs
Eynsford Hill — Miss Eynsford Hill.'' [Exchange of bows.
The Colonel brings the Chippendale chair a little forward
between Mrs Hill and Mrs Higgins, and sits down],
PICKERING. Has Henry told you what weve come for?
HIGGINS [over his shoulder] We were interrupted : damn it !
MRS HIGGINS. Oh Henry, Henry, really !
MRS EYNSFORD HILL [half rising] Are we in the way?
MRS HIGGINS [rising and making her sit down again] No,
no. You couldnt have come more fortunately : we want
you to meet a friend of ours.
HIGGINS [turning hopefully] Yes, by George ! We want two
or three people. Youll do as well as anybody else.
The parlor-maid returns, ushering Freddy.
THE PARLOR-MAID. Mr Eynsford Hill.
HIGGINS [almost audibly, past endurance] God of Heaven !
another of them.
FREDDY [shaking hands with Mrs Higgins] Ahdcdo ?
MRS HIGGINS. Very good of you to come. [Introducing]
Colonel Pickering.
FREDDY [bowing] Ahdedo?
MRS HIGGINS. I dont think you know my son. Professor
Higgins.
Act III Pygmalion 45
FREDDY [going to Higgins] Ahdedor
HiGGiNs [looking at him much as if he were a pickpocket'\ I'll
take my oath I vc met you before somewhere. Where was it ?
FREDDY. I dont think so.
HIGGINS [resignedly'] It dont matter, anyhow. Sit down.
He shakes Freddf s hand, and almost slings him on to the
ottoman with his face to the windows ; then comes round to the
other side of it.
HIGGINS. Well, here we are, anyhow ! [He sits down on
the ottoman next Mrs. Eynsford Hill, on her left]. And now,
what the devil are we going to talk about until Eliza comes .''
MRS HIGGINS. Henry: you are the life and soul of the
Royal Society's soirees; but really youre rather trying on
more commonplace occasions.
HIGGINS. Am I ? Very sorry. [Beaming suddenly] I sup-
pose I am, you know. [Uproariously] Ha, ha!
Miss EYNSFORD HILL [zvho considers Higgins quite eligible
matrimonially] I sympathize. / havnt any small talk.
If people would only be frank and say what they really
think !
HIGGINS [relapsing into gloom] Lord forbid !
MRS EYNSFORD HILL [taking Up her daughter's cue] But why }
HIGGINS. What they think they ought to think is bad
enough. Lord knows ; but what they really think would
break up the whole show. Do you suppose it would be
really agreeable if I were to come out now with what /
really think ?
Miss EYNSFORD HILL [gailf] Is it SO vcry cynical ?
HIGGINS. Cynical! Who the dickens said it was cynical.''
I mean it wouldnt be decent.
MRS EYNSFORD HILL [sertously] Oh ! I'm sure you dont
mean that, Mr Higgins.
HIGGINS. You see, we're all savages, more or less. We're
supposed to be civilized and cultured — to know all about
poetry and philosophy and art and science, and so on ; but
how many of us know even the meanings of these names ?
[To Miss Hill] What do you know of poetry? [To Mrs
46 Pygmalion Act in
HW] What do you know of science? \_Indicating Freddy^
What does he know of art or science or anything else?
What the devil do you imagine I know of philosophy ?
MRS HiGGiNS \warningly'\ Or of manners, Henry?
THE PARLOR-MAID [opening the door] Miss Doolittle. [Sh
withdraws],
HIGGINS \rising hastily and running to Mrs Higgins] Here
she is, mother, [He stands on tiptoe and makes signs over his
mother's head to Eliza to indicate to her which lady is her
hostess].
Eliza, who is exquisitely dressed^ produces an impression of
such remarkable distinction and beauty as she enters that they
all rise, quite fluttered. Guided by Higgins' s signals, she comes
to Mrs Higgins with studied grace.
iAZ\ [speaking with pedantic correctness of pronunciation and
great beauty of tone] How do you do, Mrs Higgins? [8he
gasps slightly in making sure of the H in Higgins, but is quite
successful]. Mr Higgins told me I might come.
MRS HIGGINS [cordially] Quite right : I'm very glad indeed
to see you.
PICKERING. How do you do, Miss Doolittle ?
LIZA [shaking hands with him] Colonel Pickering, is it not?
MRS EYNSFORD HILL. I feel surc we have met before. Miss
Doolittle. I remember your eyes.
LIZA. How do you do ? [She sits down on the ottoman grace-
fully in the place just left vacant by Higgins].
MRS EYNSFORD HILL [introducing] My daughter Clara.
LIZA. How do you do ?
CLARA [impulsively] How do you do? [Shp sits down on
the otto?nan beside Eliza, devouring her with her eyes],
FREDDY [coming to their side of the ottoman] Ive certainly
had the pleasure.
MRS EYNSFORD HILL [introducing] My son Freddy.
LIZA. How do you do ?
Freddy bows and sits down in the Elizabethan chair, in-
fatuated.
HIGGINS [suddenly] By George, yes : it all comes back to
Act III Pygmalion 47
me ! [T/^ey stare at him\ Coven t Garden ! [Lamentably']
What a damned thing !
MRS HiGGiNs. Henry, please ! [He is about to sit on the edge
of the table]. Dont sit on my writing-table : youll break it.
HIGGINS [sulkily] Sorry.
He goes to the divan^ stumbling into the fender and over the
fire-irons on his way; extricating himself with muttered impre-
cations; and finishing his disastrous journey by throwing him-
self so impatiently on the divan that he almost breaks it. Mrs
Higgins looks at him, but controls herself and says nothing.
A long and painful pause ensues.
MRS HIGGINS [at last, conversationally] Will it rain, do you
think ?
LIZA. The shallow-depression in the west of these islands is
likely to move slowly in an easterly direction. There are no
indications of any great change in the barometrical situation,
FREDDY. Ha ! ha ! how awfully funny !
LIZA. What is wrong with that, young man ? I bet I got
it right.
FREDDY. Killing !
MRS EYNSFORD HILL. I'm surc I hopc it wont turn cold.
Theres so much influenza about. It runs right through our
whole family regularly every spring.
LIZA [darkly] My aunt died of influenza : so they said.
MRS EYNSFORD HILL [cUcks her tougue sympathetically] ! ! !
LIZA [in the same tragic tone] But it's my belief they done
the old woman in.
MRS HIGGINS [puxzkd] Done her in ?
LIZA. Y-e-e-e-es, Lord love you! Why should she die
of influenza? She come through diphtheria right enough
the year before. I saw her with my own eyes. Fairly blue
with it, she was. They all thought she was dead ; but my
father he kept ladling gin down her throat til she came to
so sudden that she bit the bowl off the spoon.
MRS EYNSFORD HILL [startkd] Dear me !
LIZA [piling up the indictment] What call would a woman
with that Strength in her have to die of influenza? What
48 Pygmalion Act ill
become of her new straw hat that should have come to
me? Somebody pinched it; and what I say is, them as
pinched it done her in.
MRS EYNSFORD HILL. What docs doing her in mean ?
HiGGiNS \J)astily'] Oh, thats the new small talk. To do a
person in means to kill them.
MRS EYNSFORD HILL [to EUza^ horrified^ You surely dont
believe that your aunt was killed?
LIZA. Do I not ! Them she lived with would have killed
her for a hat-pin, let alone a hat.
MRS EYNSFORD HILL. But it Cant have been right for your
father to pour spirits down her throat like that. It might
have killed her.
LIZA. Not her. Gin was mother's milk to her. Besides,
he'd poured so much down his own throat that he knew the
good of it.
MRS EYNSFORD HILL. Do you mean that he drank ?
LIZA. Drank ! My word ! Something chronic.
MRS EYNSFORD HILL. How dreadful for you !
LIZA. Not a bit. It never did him no harm what I could
see. But then he did not keep it up regular. \C heerfullj\
On the burst, as you might say, from time to time. And
always more agreeable when he had a drop in. When he
was out of work, my mother used to give him fourpence
and tell him to go out and not come back until he'd drunk
himself cheerful and loving-like. Theres lots of women
has to make their husbands drunk to make them fit to live
with. \^Now quite at her ease] You see, it's like this. If a
man has a bit of a conscience, it always takes him when
he's sober; and then it makes him low-spirited. A drop of
booze just takes that off and makes him happy. [To Freddy ^
who is in convulsions of suppressed laughter] Here ! what are
you sniggering at ?
FREDDY. The new small talk. You do it so awfully well.
LIZA. If I was doing it proper, what was you laughing at ?
\To Higgins] Have I said anything I oughtnt ?
MRS HIGGINS [interposing] Not at all, Miss Doolittle.
Act III Pygmalion 49
LIZA. Well, thats a mercy, anyhow. [ExpaTiswf/y] What
I always say is —
HiGGiNs [rising and looking at his watch'] Ahem !
LIZA [looking round at him; taking the hint; and rising] Well :
I must go. [They all rise. Freddy goes to the door\ So pleased
to have met you. Good-bye. [^he shakes hands with Mrs
Higgins\
MRS HIGGINS. Good-bye.
LIZA. Good-bye, Colonel Pickering.
PICKERING. Good-bye, Miss Doolittle. \J^hey shake hands],
\A7.k [nodding to the others] Good-bye, all.
FREDDY [opening the door for her] Are you walking across
the Park, Miss Doolittle? If so —
LIZA. Walk ! Not bloody likely. [Sensation], I am going
in a taxi. [She goes out].
Pickering gasps and sits down. Freddy goes out on the balcony
to catch another glimpse of Eliza.
MRS EYNSFORD HILL [suffering from shock] Well, I really
cant get used to the new ways.
CLARA [throwing herself discontentedly into the Elizabethan
chair]. Oh, it's all right, mamma, quite right. People will
think we never go anywhere or see anybody if you are so
old-fashioned.
MRS EYNSFORD HILL. I darcsay I am very old-fashioned;
but I do hope you wont begin using that expression,
Clara. I have got accustomed to hear you talking about
men as rotters, and calling everything filthy and beastly ;
though I do think it horrible and unladylike. But this
last is really too much. Dont you think so. Colonel
Pickering?
PICKERING. Dont ask me. Ive been away in India for
several years ; and manners have changed so much that I
sometimes dont know whether I'm at a respectable dinner-
table or in a ship's forecastle.
CLARA. It's all a matter of habit. Theres no right or
wrong in it. Nobody means anything by it. And its so
quaint, and gives such a smart emphasis to things that are
£
50 Pygmalion Act III
not in themselves very witty. I find the new small talk
delightful and quite innocent.
MRS EYNSFORD HILL [rising] Well, after that, I think it's
time for us to go.
Pickering and Higgins rise.
CLARA [rising] Oh yes : we have three at-homes to go to
still. Good-bye, Mrs Higgins. Good-bye, Colonel Pickering.
Good-bye, Professor Higgins.
HIGGINS [coming grimly at her from the divan, and accom-
panying her to the door] Good-bye. Be sure you try on that
small talk at the three at-homes. Dont be nervous about it.
Pitch it in strong.
Q\.K^K [all smiles] I will. Good-bye. Such nonsense, all
this early Victorian prudery !
HIGGINS [tempting her] Such damned nonsense !
CLARA. Such bloody nonsense !
MRS EYNSFORD HILL [convulsively] Clara !
CLARA. Ha ! ha ! [^he goes out radiant, conscious of being
thoroughly up to date, and is heard descending the stairs in a
stream of silvery laughter],
FREDDY [to the heavens at large] Well, I ask you — [He
gives it up, and comes to Mrs Higgins], Good-bye.
MRS HIGGINS [shaking hands] Good-bye. Would you like
to meet Miss Doolittle again ?
FREDDY [eagerly] Yes, I should, most awfully.
MRS HIGGINS. Well, you know my days.
FREDDY. Yes. Thanks awfully. Good-bye. [He goes
out].
MRS EYNSFORD HILL. Good-byc, Mr Higgins.
HIGGINS. Good-bye. Good-bye.
MRS EYNSFORD HILL [to Pickering] It's no use. I shall
never be able to bring myself to use that word.
PICKERING. Dont. It's not compulsory, you know. Youll
get on quite well without it.
MRS EYNSFORD HILL. Only, Clara is so down on me if I
am not positively reeking with the latest slang. Good-bye.
PICKERING. Good-bye [They shake hands].
Act III Pygmalion 5 1
MRS EYNSFORD HILL [to Mrs Biggins'] You mustnt mind
Clara. [^Pickering, catching from her lowered tone that this
is not meant for him to hear, discreetly joins Higgins at the
window]. We're so poor ! and she gets so few parties, poor
child ! She doesnt quite know. [Mrs Higgins^ seeing that
her eyes are moist, takes her hand sympathetically and goes
with her to the door]. But the boy is nice. Dont you
think so?
MRS HiGGiNS. Oh, quite nice. I shall always be delighted
to see him.
MRS EYNSFORD HILL. Thank you, dear. Good-bye. [She
goes out].
HIGGINS [eagerly] Well ? Is Eliza presentable [he swoops on
his mother and drags her to the ottoman., where she sits down
in Eliza'' s place with her son on her left] ?
Pickering returns to his chair on her right.
MRS HIGGINS. You silly boy, of course shes not present-
able. Shes a triumph of your art and of her dressmaker's ;
but if you suppose for a moment that she doesnt give
herself away in every sentence she utters, you must be
perfectly cracked about her.
PICKERING. But dont you think something might be done ?
I mean something to eliminate the sanguinary element
from her conversation.
MRS HIGGINS. Not as long as she is in Henry's hands.
HIGGINS [aggrieved] Do you mean that my language is
improper ?
MRS HIGGINS. No, dcarcst : it would be quite proper —
say on a canal barge ; but it would not be proper for her
at a garden party.
HIGGINS [deeply injured] Well I must say —
PICKERING [interrupting him] Come, Higgins : you must
learn to know yourself. I havnt heard such language as
yours since we used to review the volunteers in Hyde Park
twenty years ago.
HIGGINS [sulkily] Oh, well, if y o u say so, I suppose I dont
always talk like a bishop.
52 Pygmalion Act ill
MRS HiGGiNS [qutettng Henry with a touch'] Colonel
Pickering : will you tell me what is the exact state of
things in Wimpole Street?
PICKERING [cheerfully: as if this completely changed the
subject] Well, I have come to live there with Henry. We
work together at my Indian Dialects; and we think it
more convenient —
MRS HIGGINS. Quitc SO. I know all about that : it's an
excellent arrangement. But where does this girl live?
HIGGINS. With us, of course. Where would she live?
MRS HIGGINS. But on what terms? Is she a servant? If
not, what is she ?
PICKERING \slowly'\ I think I know what you mean, Mrs
Higgins.
HIGGINS. Well, dash me if / do ! Ive had to work at the
girl every day for months to get her to her present pitch.
Besides, shes useful. She knows where my things are, and
remembers my appointments and so forth.
MRS HIGGINS. How docs your housekeeper get on with her ?
HIGGINS. Mrs Pearce? Oh, shes jolly glad to get so
much taken off her hands; for before Eliza came, she used
to have to find things and remind me of my appoint-
ments. But shes got some silly bee in her bonnet about
Eliza. She keeps saying "You dont think, sir" : doesnt
she, Pick ?
PICKERING. Yes: thats the formula. "You dont think,
sir." Thats the end of every conversation about Eliza.
HIGGINS. As if I ever stop thinking about the girl and her
confounded vowels and consonants. I'm worn out, thinking
about her, and watching her lips and her teeth and her
tongue, not to mention her soul, which is the quaintest of
the lot.
MRS HIGGINS. You Certainly arc a pretty pair of babies,
playing with your live doll.
HIGGINS. Playing! The hardest job I ever tackled : make
no mistake about that, mother. But you have no idea how
frightfully interesting it is to take a human being and
Act III Pygmalion 53
change her into a quite different human being by creating
a new speech for her. It's filling up the deepest gulf that
separates class from class and soul from soul.
PICKERING [drawing his chair closer to Mrs Higgins and
bending over to her eagerly^ Yes : it's enormously interest-
ing. I assure you, Mrs Higgins, we take Eliza very
seriously. Every week — every day almost — there is some
new change. [Closer again] We keep records of every
stage — dozens of gramophone disks and photographs —
HIGGINS [assailing her at the other ear] Yes, by George :
it's the most absorbing experiment I ever tackled. She
regularly fills our lives up : doesnt she. Pick ?
PICKERING. We're always talking Eliza.
HIGGINS. Teaching Eliza.
PICKERING. Dressing Eliza.
MRS HIGGINS. What !
HIGGINS. Inventing new Elizas.
'You know, she has the most
[speaking extraordinary quickness of ear :
together] I assure you, my dear Mrs Higgins,
that girl
just like a parrot. Ive tried her
with every
is a genius. She can play the
piano quite beautifully,
possible sort of sound that a
human being can make —
We have taken her to classical
concerts and to music
Continental dialects, African dia-
lects, Hottentot
halls ; and it's all the same to her :
she plays everything
clicks, things it took me years to
get hold of; and
1 she hears right off when she comes
PICKERING.
PICKERING.
PICKERING.
HIGGINS.
PICKERING.
PICKERING.
home, whether it's
54 Pygmalion Act lii
HiGGiNs. 1 Tshe picks them up like a shot,
\\speaking\ right away, as if she had
PICKERING, hogether'] 1 Beethoven and Brahms or Lehar
J y and Lionel Monckton;
HIGGINS. \ [been at it all her life.
PICKERING, j- 4 though six months ago, she'd never
j [as much as touched a piano —
MRS HIGGINS [putting hcT finger s in her ears^ as they are by
this time shouting one another down with an intolerable noise]
Sh-sh-sh— sh! [They stop].
PICKERING. I beg your pardon. [He draws his chair back
apologetically].
HIGGINS. Sorry. When Pickering starts shouting nobody
can get a word in edgeways.
MRS HIGGINS. Be quiet, Henry. Colonel Pickering: dont
you realize that when Eliza walked into Wimpole Street,
something walked in with her?
PICKERING. Her father did. But Henry soon got rid of
him.
MRS HIGGINS. It would have been more to the point if her
mother had. But as her mother didnt something else did.
PICKERING. But what .''
MRS HIGGINS [unconsciously dating herself by the word] A
problem.
PICKERING. Oh, I see. The problem of how to pass her
off as a lady.
HIGGINS. I'll solve that problem. Ive half solved it
already.
MRS HIGGINS. No, you two infinitely stupid male
creatures : the problem of what is to be done with her
afterwards.
HIGGINS. I dont see anything in that. She can go her
own way, with all the advantages I have given her.
MRS HIGGINS. The advantages of that poor woman who
was here just now ! The manners and habits that disqualify
a fine lady from earning her own living without giving her
a fine lady's income ! Is that what you mean ?
Act III Pygmalion 55
PICKERING [indulgently, being rather bored'\ Oh, that will
be all right, Mrs Higgins. \He rises to go\.
HiGGiNS [rising also] We'll find her some light employment.
PICKERING. Shes happy enough. Dont you worry about
her. Good-bye. [He shakes hands as if he were consoling a
frightened child, and makes for the door].
HIGGINS. Anyhow, theres no good bothering now. The
thing's done. Good-bye, mother. [He kisses her, and follows
Pickering].
PICKERING [turning for a final consolation] There are
plenty of openings. We'll do whats right. Good-bye.
HIGGINS [to Pickering as they go out together] Let's take
her to the Shakespear exhibition at Earls Court.
PICKERING. Yes : lets. Her remarks will be delicious.
HIGGINS. She'll mimic all the people for us when we get
home.
PICKERING. Ripping. [Both are heard laughing as they go
downstairs].
MRS HIGGINS [rises with an impatient bounce, and returns to
her work at the writing-table. She sweeps a litter of dis-
arranged papers out of her way ; snatches a sheet of paper from
her stationery case; and tries resolutely to write. At the third
line she gives it up ; flings down her pen; grips the table angrily
and exclaims] Oh, men ! men ! ! men ! ! !
ACT IV
The Wimpole Street laboratory. Midnight. Nobody in the
room. The clock on the mantelpiece strikes twelve. The fire is
not alight: it is a summer night.
Presently Higgins and Pickering are heard on the stairs.
HiGGiNS {calling down to Pickering^ I say, Pick : lock up,
will you. I shant be going out again.
PICKERING. Right. Can Mrs Pearce go to bed? We dont
want anything more, do we ?
HIGGINS. Lord, no !
Eliza opens the door and is seen on the lighted landing in opera
cloak., brilliant evening dress., and diamonds^ with fan^ flowers.,
and all accessories. She comes to the hearth., and switches on the
electric lights there. She is tired : her pallor contrasts strongly
with her dark eyes and hair ; and her expression is almost tragic.
She takes off her cloak; puts her fan and flowers on the piano ;
and sits down on the bench, brooding and silent. Higgins, in
evening dress, with overcoat and hat, comes in, carrying a
smoking jacket which he has picked up downstairs. He takes off
the hat and overcoat; throws them carelessly on the newspaper
stand; disposes of his coat in the same way; puts on the smoking
jacket ; and throws himself wearily into the easy-chair at the
hearth. Pickering, similarly attired, comes in. He also takes off
his hat and overcoat, and is about to throw them on Higgins\
when he hesitates.
PICKERING. I say: Mrs Pearce will row if we leave these
things lying about in the drawing-room.
56
Act IV Pygmalion 57
HiGGiNS. Oh, chuck them over the bannisters into the
hall. She'll find them there in the morning and put them
away all right. She'll think we were drunk.
PICKERING. We are, slightly. Are there any letters?
HIGGINS. I didnt look. [Pickering takes the overcoats and
hats and goes downstairs. Higgins begins half singing half
yawning an air from La Fanciulla del Golden West. Suddenly
he stops and exclaims^ I wonder where the devil my slippers
are!
Eli'za looks at him darkly ; then rises suddenly and leaves the
room.
Higgins yawns again, and resumes his song.
Pickering returns, with the contents of the letter-box in his
hand.
PICKERING. Only circulars, and this coronetcd billet-doux
for you. \He throws the circulars into the fender, and posts
himself on the hearthrug, with his back to the grate].
HIGGINS [glancing at the billet-doux] Money lender. [He
throws the letter after the circulars],
Eliza returns with a pair of large down-at-heel slippers.
She places them on the carpet before Higgins, and sits as before
without a word.
HIGGINS [yawning again] Oh Lord ! What an evening !
What a crew ! What a silly tomfoolery ! [He raises his shoe
to unlace it, and catches sight of the slippers. He stops unlacing
and looks at them as if they had appeared there of their own
accord]. Oh ! theyre there, are they ?
PICKERING [stretching himself] Well, I feel a bit tired. It's
been a long day. The garden party, a dinner party, and
the opera ! Rather too much of a good thing. But youve
won your bet, Higgins. Eliza did the trick, and something
to spare, eh }
HIGGINS [fervently] Thank God it's over !
Eliza finches violently ; but they take no notice of her ; and
she recovers herself and sits stonily as before.
PICKERING. Were you nervous at the garden party ? /
was. Eliza didnt seem a bit nervous.
58 Pygmalion Act IV
HiGGiNS. Oh, she wasnt nervous. I knew she'd be all right.
No : it's the strain of putting the job through all these
months that has told on me. It was interesting enough at
first, while we were at the phonetics ; but after that I got
deadly sick of it. If I hadnt backed myself to do it I
should have chucked the whole thing up two months
ago. It was a silly notion : the whole thing has been a
bore.
PICKERING. Oh come ! the garden party was frightfully
exciting. My heart began beating like anything.
HIGGINS. Yes, for the first three minutes. But when I
saw we were going to win hands down, I felt like a bear
in a cage, hanging about doing nothing. The dinner was
worse : sitting gorging there for over an hour, with nobody
but a damned fool of a fashionable woman to talk to ! I
tell you, Pickering, never again for me. No more arti-
ficial duchesses. The whole thing has been simple pur-
gatory.
PICKERING. Youve ncver been broken in properly to the
social routine. [Strolling over to the piano'] I rather enjoy
dipping into it occasionally myself: it makes me feel
young again. Anyhow, it was a great success : an immense
success. I was quite frightened once or twice because Eliza
was doing it so well. You see, lots of the real people cant
do it at all : theyre such fools that they think style comes
by nature to people in their position ; and so they never
learn. Theres always something professional about doing
a thing superlatively well.
HIGGINS. Yes: thats what drives me mad : the silly people
dont know their own silly business. [Rising'] However,
it's over and done with ; and now I can go to bed at last
without dreading tomorrow.
Eliz.a's beauty becomes murderous,
PICKERING. I think I shall turn in too. Still, it's been a
great occasion : a triumph for you. Good-night. [He goes],
HIGGINS [following him] Good-night. [Over his shoulder^
at the door] Put out the lights, Eliza ; and tell Mrs Pearce
Act IV Pygmalion 59
not to make coffee for me in the morning : I'll take tea.
\^He goes out].
E/iza tries to control herself and feel indifferent as she
rises and walks across to the hearth to switch off the lights. By
the time she gets there she is on the point of screaming. She
sits down in Higgins^s chair and holds on hard to the arms.
Finally she gives way and flings herself furiously on the floor,
raging.
HiGGiNs \_in despairing wrath outside] What the devil have
I done with my slippers? \^He appears at the door].
LIZA [^snatching up the slippers, and hurling them at him one
after the other with all her force] There are your slippers.
And there. Take your slippers ; and may you never have a
day's luck with them !
HIGGINS [astounded] What on earth — ! [He comes to her].
Whats the matter? Get up. [He pulls her up]. Anything
wrong ?
LIZA [breathless] Nothing wrong — with you. Ive won
your bet for you, havnt I ? Thats enough for you. I dont
matter, I suppose.
HIGGINS. You won my bet! You! Presumptuous insect !
/ won it. What did you throw those slippers at me
for?
LIZA. Because I wanted to smash your face. I'd like to
kill you, you selfish brute. Why didnt you leave me where
you picked me out of — in the gutter? You thank God it's
all over, and that now you can throw rae back again there,
do you? [She crisps her flngers frantically].
HIGGINS [looking at her in cool wonder] The creature is ner-
vous, after all.
LIZA [gives a suffocated scream of fur -^^ and instinctively
darts her nails at his face] ! !
HIGGINS [catching her wrists] Ah ! would you ? Claws in,
you cat. How dare you shew your temper to me ? Sit down
and be quiet. [He throws her roughly into the easy chair].
LIZA [crushed by superior strength and weight] Whats to
become of me? Whats to become of me ?
6o Pygmalion Act iv
HiGGiNs. How the devil do I know whats to become of
you ? What does it matter what becomes of you ?
LIZA. You dont care. I know you dont care. You
wouldnt care if I was dead. I'm nothing to you — not so
much as them slippers.
HIGGINS [thundering] Those slippers.
LIZA [with bitter submission] Those slippers. I didnt
think it made any difference now.
J pause. Eliza hopeless and crushed. Higgins a little uneasy.
HIGGINS [in his loftiest manner] Why have you begun going
on like this? May I ask whether you complain of your
treatment here ?
LIZA. No.
HIGGINS. Has anybody behaved badly to you ? Colonel
Pickering? Mrs Pearce? Any of the servants?
LIZA. No.
HIGGINS. I presume you dont pretend that /have treated
you badly ?
LIZA. No.
HIGGINS. I am glad to hear it. [He moderates his tone].
Perhaps youre tired after the strain of the day. Will you
have a glass of champagne ? [He moves towards the door].
LIZA. No. [Recollecting her manners] Thank you.
HIGGINS [good-humored again] This has been coming on
you for some days. I suppose it was natural for you to
be anxious about the garden party. But thats all over now.
[He pats her kindly on the shoulder. She writhes], Theres
nothing more to worry about.
LIZA. No. Nothing more for you to worry about. [She
suddenly rises and gets away from him by going to the piano
bench, where she sits and hides her face]. Oh God! I wish
I was dead.
HIGGINS [staring after her in sincere surprise] Why? In
heaven's name, why? [Reasonably, going to her] Listen to
me, Eliza. All this irritation is purely subjective.
LIZA. I dont understand. I'm too ignorant.
HIGGINS. It's only imagination. Low spirits and nothing
Act IV Pygmalion 6i
else. Nobody's hurting you. Nothing's wrong. You go
to bed like a good girl and sleep it off. Have a little cry
and say your prayers : that will make you comfortable.
LIZA. I heard your prayers. "Thank God it's all
over
I"
HiGGiNs [impatiently'] Well, dont you thank God it's all
over? Now you are free and can do what you like.
LIZA [pulling herself together in desperation] What am I
fit for? What have you left me fit for? Where am I to
go? What am I to do? Whats to become of me ?
HIGGINS [enlightened^ but not at all impressed] Oh, thats
whats worrying you, is it ? [He thrusts his hands into his pockets^
and walks about in his usual manner^ rattling the contents of his
pockets^ as if condescending to a trivial subject out of pure kind-
ness]. I shouldnt bother about it if I were you. I should
imagine you wont have much difficulty in settling yourself
somewhere or other, though I hadnt quite realized that you
were going away. [8 he looks quickly at him: he does not look at
her^ but examines the dessert stand on the piano and decides that
he will eat an apple]. You might marry, you know. [He bites
a large piece out of the apple and munches it noisily]. You see,
Eliza, all men are not confirmed old bachelors like me and
the Colonel. Most men are the marrying sort (poor devils !) ;
and yourc not bad-looking : it's quite a pleasure to look at
you sometimes — not now, of course, because youre crying
and looking as ugly as the very devil ; but when youre all
right and quite yourself, youre what I should call attractive.
That is, to the people in the marrying line, you understand.
You go to bed and have a good nice rest ; and then get up
and look at yourself in the glass ; and you wont feel so
cheap.
Eliza again looks at him^ speechless^ and does not stir.
The look is quite lost on him : he eats his apple with a dreamy
expression of happiness ^ as it is quite a good one.
HIGGINS [a genial afterthought occurring to him] I daresay
my mother could find some chap or other who would do
very well.
62 Pygmalion Act IV
LIZA. We were above that at the corner of Tottenham
Court Road.
HiGGiNS [waking up] What do you mean?
LIZA. I sold flowers. I didnt sell myself. Now youve
made a lady of me I'm not fit to sell anything else. I wish
youd left me where you found me.
HIGGINS [s/higing the core of the apple decisively into the
grate] Tosh, Eliza. Dont you insult human relations by
dragging all this cant about buying and selling into it.
You neednt marry the fellow if you dont like him.
LIZA. What else am I to do?
HIGGINS. Oh, lots of things. What about your old idea
of a florist's shop? Pickering could set you up in one : hes
lots of money. [Chuckling] He'll have to pay for all those togs
you have been wearing to-day ; and that, with the hire of
the jewellery, will make a big hole in two hundred pounds.
Why, six months ago you would have thought it the
millennium to have a flower shop of your own. Come !
youll be all right. I must clear off^ to bed : I'm devilish
sleepy. By the way, I came down for something : I forget
what it was.
LIZA. Your slippers.
HIGGINS. Oh yes, of course. You shied them at me. [He
picks them up^ and is going out when she rises and speaks to
him].
LIZA, Before you go, sir —
HIGGINS [dropping the slippers in his surprise at her calling
him 5/r] Eh ?
LIZA. Do my clothes belong to me or to Colonel
Pickering?
HIGGINS [cofning hack into the room as if her question were
the very climax of unreason] What the devil use would they
be to Pickering?
LIZA. He might want them for the next girl you pick
up to experiment on.
HIGGINS [shocked and hurt] Is that the way you feel
towards us?
Act IV Pygmalion 63
LIZA. I dont want to hear anything more about that. All
I want to know is whether anything belongs to me. My
own clothes were burnt.
HiGGiNs. But what does it matter? Why need you start
bothering about that in the middle of the night ?
LIZA. I want to know what I may take away with me.
I dont want to be accused of stealing.
HIGGINS [now deeply wounded] Stealing ! You shouldnt
have said that, Eliza. That shews a want of feeling.
LIZA. I'm sorry. I'm only a common ignorant girl ; and
in my station I have to be careful. There cant be any
feelings between the like of you and the like of me. Please
will you tell me what belongs to me and what doesnt.
HIGGINS [very sulky] You may take the whole damned
houseful if you like. Except the jewels. Theyre hired.
Will that satisfy you ? [He turns on his heel and is about to
go in extreme dudgeon].
LIZA [drinking in his emotion like nectar., and nagging him to
provoke a further supply] Stop, please, [^he takes off her
jewels]. Will you take these to your room and keep them
safe ? I dont want to run the risk of their being missing.
HIGGINS [furious] Hand them over, [^he puts them into
his hands]. If these belonged to me instead of to the jeweller,
I'd ram them down your ungrateful throat. [He per-
functorily thrusts them into his pockets^ unconsciously decorating
himself with the protruding ends of the chains].
LIZA [taking a ring off] This ring isnt the jeweller's :
it's the one you bought me in Brighton. I dont want it
now. [Higgins dashes the ring violently into the fireplace ^ and
turns on her so threateningly that she crouches over the piano
with her hands over her face, and exclaims] Dont you hit me.
HIGGINS. Hit you ! You infamous creature, how dare you
accuse me of such a thing? It is you who have hit me.
You have wounded me to the heart.
LIZA [thrilling with hidden joy] I'm glad. Ive got a little
of my own back, anyhow.
HIGGINS [with dignity, in his finest professional style] You
64 Pygmalion Act IV
have caused me to lose my temper : a thing that has hardly
ever happened to me before. I prefer to say nothing more
tonight. I am going to bed.
LIZA \_pertly'\ Youd better leave a note for Mrs. Pcarce
about the coffee ; for she wont be told by me.
HiGGiNS \_formally'] Damn Mrs. Pearce ; and damn the
coffee ; and damn you ; and damn my own folly in having
lavished hard-earned knowledge and the treasure of my
regard and intimacy on a heartless guttersnipe. [He goes
out with impressive decorum^ and spoils it by slamming the door
savagely"].
Eliza smiles for the first time ; expresses her feelings by a
wild pantomime in which an imitation of Higgins' s exit is con-
fused with her own triumph; and finally goes down on her knees
on the hearthrug to look for the ring.
ACT V
Mrs Higgins's drawing-room. She is at her writing-table a s
before. The parlor-maid comes in.
THE PARLOR-MAID \^at the door] Mr Henry, mam, is down-
stairs with Colonel Pickering.
MRS HiGGiNs. Well, shew them up.
THE PARLOR-MAID. Thcyrc using the telephone, mam.
Telephoning to the police, I think.
MRS HIGGINS. What !
THE PARLOR-MAID [coming further in and lowering her
voice] Mr Henry is in a state, mam. I thought I'd better
tell you.
MRS HIGGINS. If you had told me that Mr Henry was not
in a state it would have been more surprising. Tell them
to come up when theyve finished with the police. I suppose
hes lost something.
THE PARLOR-MAID. Yes, mam [going].
MRS HIGGINS. Go upstairs and tell Miss Doolittle that
Mr Henry and the Colonel are here. Ask her not to come
down til I send for her.
THE PARLOR-MAID. Yes, mam.
Higgins bursts in. He is, as the parlor-maid has said, in a
state.
HIGGINS. Look here, mother : heres a confounded thing !
MRS HIGGINS. Yes, dear. Good-morning. [He checks his
impatience and kisses her, whilst the parlor -maid goes out].
What is it ?
65 F
66 Pygmalion Act v
HiGGiNS. Eliza's bolted.
MRS HIGGINS \calmly continui?ig her writing] You must
have frightened her.
HIGGINS. Frightened her! nonsense! She was left last
night, as usual, to turn out the lights and all that ; and
instead of going to bed she changed her clothes and went
right off : her bed wasnt slept in. She came in a cab for
her things before seven this morning; and that fool Mrs
Pearce let her have them without telling me a word about
it. What am I to do?
MRS HIGGINS. Do without, I'm afraid, Henry. The girl
has a perfect right to leave if she chooses,
HIGGINS [wandering distractedly across the room] But I
cant find anything. I dont know what appointments Ive
got. I'm — [Pickering comes in, Mrs Higgins puts down her
pen and turns away from the writing-table'].
PICKERING [shaking hands] Good-morning, Mrs Higgins.
Has Henry told you ? [He sits down on the ottoman].
HIGGINS. What does that ass of an inspector say? Have
you offered a reward ?
MRS HIGGINS [rising in indignant amazement] You dont
mean to say you have set the police after Eliza.
HIGGINS. Of course. What are the police for? What
else could we do ? [He sits in the Elizabethan chair].
PICKERING. The inspector made a lot of difficulties. I
really think he suspected us of some improper purpose.
MRS HIGGINS. Well, of coursc he did. What right have
you to go to the police and give the girl's name as if she
were a thief, or a lost umbrella, or something? Really!
[She sits dozvn again., deeply vexed].
HIGGINS. But we want to find her.
PICKERING. We cant let her go like this, you know, Mrs
Higgins. What were we to do?
MRS HIGGINS. You have no more sense, either of you,
than two children. Why —
The parlor-maid comes in and breaks off the conversation.
THE PARLOR-MAID. Mr Henry : a gentleman wants to
Act V Pygmalion 67
see you very particular. Hes been sent on from Wimpole
Street.
HiGGiNS. Oh, bother ! I cant see anyone now. Who is it ?
THE PARLOR-MAID. A Mr DooHttlc, Sir.
PICKERING. Doolittle ! Do you mean the dustman ?
THE PARLOR-MAID. Dustman ! Oh no, sir : a gentleman.
HIGGINS [^springing up excitedly\ By George, Pick, it's
some relative of hers that shes gone to. Somebody we
know nothing about. \To the parlor-maid^ Send him up,
quick.
THE PARLOR-MAID. Ycs, sir. \^he goes\
HIGGINS {eagerly^ going to his mother'\ Genteel relatives!
now we shall hear something. \He sits down in the Chippen-
dale chair].
MRS HIGGINS. Do you kuow any of her people ?
PICKERING. Only her father : the fellow we told you about.
THE PARLOR-MAID [announcing] Mr Doolittle. [She with-
draws].
Doolittle enters. He is brilliantly dressed in a new fashionable
frock-coat^ with white waistcoat and grey trousers. A flower
in his buttonhole., a dazzling silk hat, and patent leather shoes
complete the effect, lie is too concerned with the business he has
come on to notice Mrs Higgins. He walks straight to Higgins,
and accosts him with vehement reproach.
DOOLITTLE [indicating his own person] See here ! Do you
see this? You done this.
HIGGINS. Done what, man ?
DOOLITTLE. This, I tell you. Look at it. Look at this
hat. Look at this coat.
PICKERING. Has Eliza been buying you clothes?
DOOLITTLE. Ellza! not she. Not half. Why would she
buy me clothes?
MRS HIGGINS. Good-morniug, Mr Doolittle. Wont you
sit down?
DOOLITTLE [taken aback as he becomes conscious that he has
forgotten his hostess] Asking your pardon, maam. [He ap-
proaches her and shakes her proffered hana]. Thank you. [He
68 Pygmalion Act V
sits down on the ottoman, on Pickerings right']. I am that full
of what has happened to me that I cant think of anything
else.
HiGGiNS. What the dickens has happened to you?
DOOLiTTLE. I shouldnt mind if it had only happened
to me : anything might happen to anybody and nobody to
blame but Providence, as you might say. But this is some-
thing that you done to me : yes, you, Henry Higgins.
HIGGINS. Have you found Eliza? Thats the point.
DOOLITTLE. Have you lost her ?
HIGGINS. Yes.
DOOLITTLE. You have all the luck, you have. I aint found
her J but she'll find me quick enough now after what you
done to me.
MRS HIGGINS. But what has my son done to you, Mr
Doolittle ?
DOOLITTLE. Donc to me ! Ruined me. Destroyed ray
happiness. Tied me up and delivered me into the hands
of middle class morality.
HIGGINS [rising intolerantly and standing over Doolittle]
Youre raving. Youre drunk. Youre mad. I gave you five
pounds. After that I had tw^o conversations with you, at
half-a-crown an hour. Ive never seen you since.
DOOLITTLE. Oh ! Drunk ! am I ? Mad ! am I ? Tell me
this. Did you or did you not write a letter to an old
blighter in America that was giving five millions to found
Moral Reform Societies all over the world, and that wanted
you to invent a universal language for him?
HIGGINS. What ! Ezra D. Wannafeller ! Hes dead. [He
sits down again carelessly].
DOOLITTLE. Yes : hes dead ; and I'm done for. Now
did you or did you not write a letter to him to say that
the most original moralist at present in England, to the
best of your knowledge, was Alfred Doolittle, a common
dustman.
HIGGINS. Oh, after your last visit I remember making
some silly joke of the kind.
Act V Pygmalion 69
DooLiTTLE. Ah ! you may well call it a silly joke. It
put the lid on me right enough. Just give him the chance
he wanted to shew that Americans is not like us : that
they recognize and respect merit in every class of life,
however humble. Them words is in his blooming will, in
which, Henry Higgins, thanks to your silly joking, he
leaves me a share in his Pre-digested Cheese Trust worth
three thousand a year on condition that I lecture for his
Wannafeller Moral Reform World League as often as they
ask me up to six times a year.
HIGGINS. The devil he does ! Whew ! [^Brightening
suddenly'l What a lark !
PICKERING. A safe thing for you, Doolittle. They wont
ask you twice.
DOOLITTLE. It aint the lecturing I mind. I'll lecture
them blue in the face, I will, and not turn a hair. It's
making a gentleman of me that I object to. Who asked
him to make a gentleman of me? I was happy. I was free.
I touched pretty nigh everybody for money when I wanted
it, same as I touched you, Henry Higgins. Now I am
worrited ; tied neck and heels ; and everybody touches me
for money. It's a fine thing for you, says my solicitor. Is
it ? says I. You mean it's a good thing for you, I says.
When I was a poor man and had a solicitor once when
they found a pram in the dust cart, he got me off, and got
shut of me and got me shut of him as quick as he could.
Same with the doctors : used to shove me out of the hos-
pital before I could hardly stand on my legs, and nothing
to pay. Now they finds out that I'm not a healthy man
and cant live unless they looks after me twice a day. In
the house I'm not let do a hand's turn for myself: some-
body else must do it and touch me for it. A year ago
I hadnt a relative in the world except two or three that
wouldnt speak to me. Now I've fifty, and not a decent
week's wages among the lot of them. I have to live for others
and not for myself: thats middle class morality. You talk
of losing Eliza. Dont you be anxious : I bet shes on my door-
70 Pygmalion Act V
step by this: she that could support herself easy by selling
flowers if I wasnt respectable. And the next one to touch
me will be you, Henry Higgins. I'll have to learn to speak
middle class language from you, instead of speaking proper
English. Thats where you 11 come in ; and I daresay thats
what you done it for.
MRS HIGGINS. But, my dear Mr Doolittle, you need not
suffer all this if you are really in earnest. Nobody can force
you to accept this bequest. You can repudiate it. Isnt that
so. Colonel Pickering?
PICKERING. I believe so.
DOOLITTLE [softemng his manner in deference to her sex]
Thats the tragedy of it, maam. It's easy to say chuck it;
but I havnt the nerve. Which of us has ? We're all in-
timidated. Intimidated, maam : thats what we are. What
is there for me if I chuck it but the workhouse in my old
age? I have to dye my hair already to keep my job as a
dustman. If I was one of the deserving poor, and had put
by a bit, I could chuck it; but then why should I, acause
the deserving poor might as well be millionaires for all the
happiness they ever has. They dont know what happiness
is. But I, as one of the undeserving poor, have nothing
between me and the pauper's uniform but this here blasted
three thousand a year that shoves me into the middle class.
(Excuse the expression, maam : youd use it yourself if you
had my provocation.) Theyve got you every way you turn :
it's a choice between the Skilly of the workhouse and the
Char Bydis of the middle class ; and I havnt the nerve for
the workhouse. Intimidated : thats what I am. Broke.
Bought up. Happier men than me will call for my dust,
and touch me for their tip ; and I'll look on helpless, and
envy them. And thats what your son has brought me to.
[He is overcome by emotion'].
MRS HIGGINS. Well, I'm very glad youre not going to do
anything foolish, Mr Doolittle. For this solves the problem
of Eliza's future. You can provide for her now.
DOOLITTLE \with melancholy resignation] Yes, maam : I'm ex-
ActV Pygmalion 71
pected to provide for everyone now, out of three thousand a
year.
HiGGiNs [jumping up] Nonsense ! he cant provide for her.
He shant provide for her. She doesnt belong to him. I
paid him five pounds for her. Doolittle: either youre an
honest man or a rogue.
DOOLITTLE [tolerantly'] A little of both, Henry, like the
rest of us : a little of both.
HIGGINS. Well, you took that money for the girl ; and you
have no right to take her as well.
MRS HIGGINS. Henry : dont be absurd. If you want to
know where Eliza is, she is upstairs.
HIGGINS [amazed] Upstairs ! ! ! Then I shall jolly soon
fetch her downstairs. [He makes resolutely for the door],
MRS HIGGINS [rising and following him] Be quiet, Henry.
Sit down.
HIGGINS. I —
MRS HIGGINS. Sit dowu, dear; and listen to me.
HIGGINS. Oh very well, very well, very well. [He throws
himself ungraciously on the ottoman^ with his face towards the
windows]. But I think you might have told us this half an
hour ago.
MRS HIGGINS. EHza Came to me this morning. She passed
the night partly walking about in a rage, partly trying to
throw herself into the river and being afraid to, and partly
in the Carlton Hotel. She told me of the brutal way you
two treated her.
HIGGINS [bounding up again] What !
PICKERING [rising also] My dear Mrs Higgins, shes been
telling you stories. We didnt treat her brutally. We hardly
said a word to her ; and we parted on particularly good terms.
[Turning on Higgins]. Higgins : did you bully her after I
went to bed?
HIGGINS. Just the other way about. She threw my slippers
in my face. She behaved in thd most outrageous way. I
never gave her the slightest provocation. The slippers
came bang into my face the moment I entered the room —
72 Pygmalion Act V
before I had uttered a word. And used perfectly awful
language.
PICKERING [astonished'] But why? What did we do to her?
MRS HiGGiNs. I think I know pretty well what you did.
The girl is naturally rather affectionate, I think. Isnt she,
Mr Doolittle?
DOOLiTTLE. Very tendcr-hcartcd, maam. Takes after me.
MRS HiGGiNS. Just SO. She had become attached to you
both. She worked very hard for you, Henry ! I dont think
you quite realize what anything in the nature of brain work
means to a girl like that. Well, it seems that when the great
day of trial came, and she did this wonderful thing for you
without making a single mistake, you two sat there and
never said a word to her, but talked together of how glad
you were that it was all over and how you had been bored
with the whole thing. And then you were surprised because
she threw your slippers at you ! / should have thrown the
fire-irons at you.
HiGGiNS. We said nothing except that we were tired and
wanted to go to bed. Did we. Pick?
PICKERING [shrugging his shoulders] That was all.
MRS HIGGINS [tronica/Zy] Quite sure ?
PICKERING. Absolutely. Really, that was all.
MRS HIGGINS. You didnt thank her, or pet her, or admire
her, or tell her how splendid she'd been.
HIGGINS [impatiently] But she knew all about that. We
didnt make speeches to her, if thats what you mean.
PICKERING [conscience stricken] Perhaps we were a little
inconsiderate. Is she very angry?
MRS HIGGINS [returning to her place at the writing-table]
Well, I'm afraid she wont go back to Wimpole Street,
especially now that Mr Doolittle is able to keep up the
position you have thrust on her; but she says she is quite
willing to meet you on friendly terms and to let bygones
be bygones.
HIGGINS [furious] Is she, by George ? Ho !
MRS HIGGINS. If you promise to behave yourself, Henry,
Act V Pygmalion 73
I'll ask her to come down. If not, go home ; for you have
taken up quite enough of my time.
HiGGiNs. Oh, all right. Very well. Pick : you behave your-
self. Let us put on our best Sunday manners for this
creature that we picked out of the mud. [He flings himself
sulkily into the Elizabethan chair].
DOOLiTTLE [remonstrating] Now, now, Henry Higgins !
have some consideration for my feelings as a middle class
man.
MRS HIGGINS. Remember your promisc, Henry. [She presses
the bell-button on the writing-table], Mr Doolittle : will you be
so good as to Step out on the balcony for a moment. I dont
want Eliza to have the shock of your news until she has
made it up with these two gentlemen. Would you mind?
DOOLITTLE. As you wish, lady. Anything to help Henry
to keep her off my hands. [He disappears through the window].
The parlor-maid answers the bell. Pickering sits down in
Doolittle^s place.
MRS HIGGINS. Ask Miss DooHttlc to come down, please.
THE PARLOR-MAID. Yes, mam. [She goes out].
MRS HIGGINS. Now, Henry : be good.
HIGGINS. I am behaving myself perfectly.
PICKERING. He is doing his best, Mrs Higgins.
A pause. Higgins throws back his head; stretches out his
legs ; and begins to whistle.
MRS HIGGINS. Henry, dearest, you dont look at all nice in
that attitude.
HIGGINS [pulling himself together] I was not trying to look
nice, mother.
MRS HIGGINS. It docsnt matter, dear. I only wanted to
make you speak.
HIGGINS. Why?
MRS HIGGINS. Because you cant speak and whistle at the
same time.
Higgins groans. Another very trying pause.
HIGGINS [springing up, out of patience] Where the devil is
that girl? Are we to wait here all day?
74 Pygmalion Act V
Elixa enters^ sunny, self-possessed, and giving a staggeringly
convincing exhibition of ease of manner. She carries a little
work-basket, and is very much at home. Pickering is too much
taken aback to rise.
\AT.k. How do you do, Professor Higgins ? Are you quite
well ?
HIGGINS \choking'\ Am I — \He can no more\
\A7.K. But of course you are : you are never ill. So glad
to see you again, Colonel Pickering. \lle rises hastily ; and
they shake hands\ Quite chilly this morning, isnt it? \She
sits down on his left. He sits beside her].
HIGGINS. Dont you dare try this game on me. I taught
it to you ; and it doesnt take me in. Get up and come
home ; and dont be a fool.
Eliz:a takes a piece of needlework from her basket, and begins
to stitch at it, without taking the least notice of this outburst.
MRS HIGGINS. Very nicely put, indeed, Henry. No woman
could resist such an invitation.
HIGGINS. You let her alone, mother. Let her speak for
herself. You will jolly soon see whether she has an idea
that 1 havnt put into her head or a word that I havnt put
into her mouth. I tell you I have created this thing out of
the squashed cabbage leaves of Covent Garden ; and now
she pretends to play the fine lady with me.
MRS HIGGINS [placidly] Yes, dear; but youU sit down, wont
you ?
Higgins sits down again, savagely.
lAXk \to Pickering, taking no apparent notice of Higgins, and
working away deftly] Will you drop me altogether now
that the experiment is over, Colonel Pickering?
PICKERING. Oh dont. You mustnt think of it as an ex-
periment. It shocks me, somehow.
LIZA. Oh, I'm only a squashed cabbage leaf —
PICKERING [impulsively] No.
LIZA [continuing quietly] — but I owe so much to you
that I should be very unhappy if you forgot me.
PICKERING. It's very kind of you to say so, Miss Doolittlc.
Act V Pygmalion y^
LIZA. It's not because you paid for my dresses. I know
you are generous to everybody with money. But it was from
you that I learnt really nice manners ; and that is what
makes one a lady, isnt it ? You see it was so very difficult for
me with the example of Professor Higgins always before
me. I was brought up to be just like him, unable to control
myself, and using bad language on the slightest provoca-
tion. And I should never have known that ladies and gentle-
men didnt behave like that if you hadnt been there.
HIGGINS. Well ! !
PICKERING. Oh, thats only his way, you know. He doesnt
mean it.
LIZA. Oh, / didnt mean it either, when I was a flower
girl. It was only my way. But you see I did it; and thats
what makes the difference after all.
PICKERING. No doubt. Still, he taught you to speak ; and
I couldnt have done that, you know.
LIZA [trivia/ly] Of course : that is his profession.
HIGGINS. Damnation !
LIZA [^continuing] It was just like learning to dance in the
fashionable way : there was nothing more than that in it.
But do you know what began my real education ?
PICKERING. What?
LIZA [stopping her work for a moment'] Your calling me Miss
Doolittle that day when I first came to Wimpole Street.
That was the beginning of self-respect for me. \^he resumes
her stitching]. And there were a hundred little things you
never noticed, because they came naturally to you. Things
about standing up and taking off your hat and opening
doors —
PICKERING. Oh, that was nothing.
LIZA. Yes : things that shewed you thought and felt about
me as if I were something better than a scullery-maid ;
though of course I know you would have been just the
same to a scullery-maid if she had been let into the drawing-
room. You never took off your boots in the dining-room
when I was there.
76 Pygmalion Act V
PICKERING. You mustnt mind that. Higglns takes off his
boots all over the place.
LIZA. I know. I am not blaming him. It is his way, isnt
it? But it made such a difference to me that you didnt
do it. You see, really and truly, apart from the things any-
one can pick up (the dressing and the proper way of speak-
ing, and so on), the difference between a lady and a flower
girl is not how she behaves, but how shes treated. I shall
always be a flower girl to Professor Higgins, because he
always treats me as a flower girl, and always will ; but I
know I can be a lady to you, because you always treat mc
as a lady, and always will.
MRS HIGGINS. Plcasc dont grind your teeth, Henry.
PICKERING. Well, this is really very nice of you, Miss
Doolittle.
LIZA. I should like you to call me Eliza, now, if you
would.
PICKERING. Thank you. Eliza, of course.
LIZA. And I should like Professor Higgins to call me Miss
Doolittle.
HIGGINS. I'll see you damned first.
MRS HIGGINS. Henry ! Henry !
PICKERING. [/augMng] Why dont you slang back at him ?
Dont stand it. It would do him a lot of good.
LIZA. I cant. I could have done it once ; but now I
cant go back to it. Last night, when I was wandering about,
a girl spoke to me ; and I tried to get back into the old
way with her ; but it was no use. You told me, you know,
that when a child is brought to a foreign country, it picks up
the language in a few weeks, and forgets its own. Well,
I am a child in your country. I have forgotten my own
language, and can speak nothing but yours. Thats the
real break-off with the corner of Tottenham Court Road.
Leaving Wimpole Street finishes it.
PICKERING [mucA alarmedl Oh ! but youre coming back to
Wimpole Street, arnt your Youll forgive Higgins?
HIGGINS \rising\ Forgive ! Will she, by George ! Let her
Act V Pygmalion 77
go. Let her find out how she can get on without us. She
will relapse into the gutter in three weeks without me at
her elbow.
Doolittk appears at the centre window. With a look of
dignified reproach at Higgins^ he comes slowly and silently to his
daughter., who., with her back to the window., is unconscious of his
approach.
PICKERING. Hes incorrigible, Eliza. You wont relapse,
will you?
LIZA. No : not now. Never again. I have learnt my lesson.
I dont believe I could utter one of the old sounds if I
tried. \_Doolittle touches her on her left shoulder. She drops her
worky losing her self-possession utterly at the spectacle of her
father's splendor"] A-a-a-a-a-ah-ow-ooh !
HiGGiNs [with a crow of triumph] Aha! Just so. A-a-a-a-
ahowooh ! A-a-a-a-ahowooh ! A-a-a-a-ahowooh ! Victory !
Victory! [^He throws himself on the divan, folding his arms,
and spraddling arrogantly].
DooLiTTLE. Can you blame the girl ? Dont look at me
like that, Eliza. It aint my fault. Ive come into some
money.
LIZA. You must have touched a millionaire this time,
dad.
DOOLITTLE. I havc. But I'm dressed something special
today. I'm going to St. George's, Hanover Square. Your
stepmother is going to marry me.
LIZA \angrily] Youre going to let yourself down to marry
that low common woman !
PICKERING ^quietly] He ought to, Eliza. ^fTo Doolittle'\
Why has she changed her mind ?
DOOLITTLE [sadly] Intimidated, Governor. Intimidated.
Middle class morality claims its victim. Wont you put on
your hat, Liza, and come and see me turned off?
LIZA. If the Colonel says I must, I — I'll [^almost sohhing]
I'll demean myself. And get insulted for my pains, like
enough.
DOOLITTLE. Dont be afraid : she never comes to words
78 Pygmalion Act V
with anyone now, poor woman ! respectability has broke
all the spirit out of her.
PICKERING [squeezing Eliza's elbow gently'] Be kind to
them, Eliza. Make the best of it,
LIZA \_forci?ig a little smile for him through her vexation] Oh
well, just to shew theres no ill feeling. I'll be back in a
moment. \^he goes out].
DooLiTTLE [sitting down beside Pickering] I feel uncommon
nervous about the ceremony, Colonel. I wish youd come
and see me through it.
PICKERING. But youve been through it before, man. You
were married to Eliza's mother.
DOOLITTLE. Who told you that. Colonel }
PICKERING. Well, nobody told me. But I concluded —
naturally —
DOOLITTLE. No : that aint the natural way, Colonel : it's
only the middle class way. My way was always the un-
deserving way. But dont say nothing to Eliza. She dont
know: I always had a delicacy about telling her.
PICKERING, ^uite right. We'll leave it so, if you dont
mind.
DOOLITTLE. And youll come to the church. Colonel,
and put me through straight?
PICKERING. With pleasure. As far as a bachelor can.
MRS HiGGiNS. May I come, Mr Doolittle.^ I should be
very sorry to miss your wedding.
DOOLITTLE. I should indeed be honored by your con-
descension, maam ; and my poor old woman would take it
as a tremenjous compliment. Shes been very low, thinking
of the happy days that are no more.
MRS HIGGINS [rising] I'll order the carriage and get ready.
[The men risey except Higgins], I shant be more than fifteen
minutes. [As she goes to the door Eliza comes in^ hatted and
buttoning her gloves], I'm going to the church to see your
father married, Eliza. You had better come in the
brougham with me. Colonel Pickering can go on with the
bridegroom.
Act V Pygmalion 79
Mrs Higgins goes out. Eliza comes to the middle of the room
between the centre window and the ottoman. Pickering joins her.
DooLiTTLE. Bridegroom ! What a word ! It makes a
man realize his position, somehow. \He takes up his hat and
goes towards the door\
PICKERING. Before I go, Eliza, do forgive him and come
back to us.
LIZA. 1 dont think papa would allow me. Would you,
dad?
DOOLITTLE \5ad but magnanimous'] They played you oiF
verycunning, Eliza, them two sportsmen. If it had been only
one of them, you could have nailed him. But you see, there
was two; and one of them chaperoned the other, as you
might say. \To Pickering^ It was artful of you, Colonel ; but
I bear no malice : I should have done the same myself.
I been the victim of one woman after another all my life ;
and I dont grudge you two getting the better of Eliza. I
shant interfere. It's time for us to go. Colonel. So long,
Henry. See you in St. George's, Eliza. [He goes out].
PICKERING [coaxing] Do stay with us, Eliza. [He follows
Doolittle].
Eliza goes out on the balcony to avoid being alone with
Higgins. He rises and joins her there. She immediately comes
back into the room and fnakes for the door ; but he goes along the
balcony quickly and gets his back to the door before she reaches it,
HIGGINS. Well, Eliza, youve had a bit of your own back,
as you call it. Have you had enough ? and are you going to
be reasonable? Or do you want any more?
LIZA. You want me back only to pick up your slippers
and put up with your tempers and fetch and carry for you.
HIGGINS. I havnt said I wanted you back at all.
LIZA. Oh, indeed. Then what are we talking about ?
HIGGINS. About you, not about me. If you comeback I
shall treat you just as I have always treated you. I cant
change my nature ; and I dont intend to change my
manners. My manners are exactly the same as Colonel
Pickering's.
8o Pygmalion Act V
LIZA. Thats not true. He treats a flower girl as if she
was a duchess.
HiGGiNs. And I treat a duchess as if she was a flower girl.
LIZA. I see. [SAe turns away composedly^ and sits on the
ottoman^ facing the window\ The same to everybody.
HIGGINS. Just so.
LIZA. Like father.
HIGGINS [grinning, a little taken down'] Without accepting
the comparison at all points, Eliza, it's quite true that your
father is not a snob, and that he will be quite at home in
any station of life to which his eccentric destiny may call
him. [Seriously] The great secret, Eliza, is not having bad
manners or good manners or any other particular sort of
manners, but having the same manner for all human souls :
in short, behaving as if you were in Heaven, where there
are no third-class carriages, and one soul is as good as another.
LIZA. Amen. You are a born preacher.
HIGGINS [irritated] The question is not whether I treat
you rudely, but whether you ever heard me treat anyone
else better.
LIZA [with sudden sincerity] I dont care how you treat me.
I dont mind your swearing at me. I dont mind a black
eye: Ive had one before this. But [standing up and facing
him] I wont be passed over.
HIGGINS. Then get out of my way ; for I wont stop for
you. You talk about me as if I were a motor bus.
LIZA. So you are a motor bus : all bounce and go, and no
consideration for anyone. But I can do without you : dont
think I cant.
HIGGINS. I know you can. I told you you could.
LIZA [woundedy getting away from him to the other side of
the ottoman with her face to the hearth] I know you did, you
brute. You wanted to get rid of me.
HIGGINS. Liar.
LIZA. Thank you. [She sits down with dignity].
HIGGINS. You never asked yourself, I suppose, whether /
could do without you.
Act V Pygmalion 8 1
LIZA \_earnestly^ Dont you try to get round me. YouU
have to do without me.
HiGGiNS [arrogant'] I can do without anybody. I have
my own soul : my own spark of divine fire. But [with
sudden hufnility'] I shall miss you, Eliza. [He sits down
near her on the ottoman]. I have learnt something from your
idiotic notions : I confess that humbly and gratefully. And
I have grown accustomed to your voice and appearance.
I like them, rather.
LIZA. Well, you have both of them on your gramophone
and in your book of photographs. When you feel lonely
without me, you can turn the machine on. It's got no
feelings to hurt.
HIGGINS. I cant turn your soul on. Leave me those
feelings ; and you can take away the voice and the face.
They are not you.
LIZA. Oh, you area devil. You can twist the heart in a
girl as easy as some could twist her arms to hurt her. Mrs
Pearce warned me. Time and again she has wanted to
leave you; and you always got round her at the last
minute. And you dont care a bit for her. And you dont
care a bit for me.
HIGGINS. 1 care for life, for humanity ; and you are a
part of it that has come my way and been built into my
house. What more can you or anyone ask ?
LIZA. I wont care for anybody that doesnt care for
me.
HIGGINS. Commercial principles, Eliza. Like [reproducing
her Co vent Garden pronunciation with professional exactness]
s'yollin voylets [selling violets], isnt it?
LIZA. Dont sneer at me. It's mean to sneer at me.
HIGGINS. I have never sneered in my life. Sneering
doesnt become either the human face or the human soul.
I am expressing my righteous contempt for Commercialism.
I dont and wont trade in affection. You call me a brute
because you couldnt buy a claim on me by fetching my
slippers and finding my spectacles. You were a fool : I think
82 Pygmalion Act V
a woman fetching a man's slippers is a disgusting sight : did I
ever fetch your slippers? I think a good deal more of you
for throwing them in my face. No use slaving for me and
then saying you want to be cared for : who cares for a slave ?
If you come back, come back for the sake of good fellow-
ship J for youll get nothing else. Youve had a thousand
times as much out of me as I have out of you ; and if you
dare to set up your little dog's tricks of fetching and carry-
ing slippers against my creation of a Duchess Eliza, I'll
slam the door in your silly face.
LIZA. What did you do it for if you didnt care for me }
HiGGiNS [Searfily] Why, because it was my job.
LIZA. You never thought of the trouble it would make
for me.
HIGGINS. Would the world ever have been made if its
maker had been afraid of making trouble? Making life
means making trouble. Theres only one way of escaping
trouble ; and thats killing things. Cowards, you notice,
are always shrieking to have troublesome people killed.
LIZA. I'm no preacher : I dont notice things like that.
I notice that you dont notice me.
HIGGINS [jumping up and walking about intolerantly\ Eliza :
youre an idiot. I waste the treasures of my Miltonic mind
by spreading them before you. Once for all, understand
that I go my way and do my work without caring twopence
what happens to either of us. I am not intimidated, like
your father and your stepmother. So you can come back or
go to the devil : which you please.
LIZA. What am I to come back for?
HIGGINS {bouncing up on his knees on the ottoman and lean-
ing over it to her\ For the fun of it. Thats why I took you on.
LIZA \fvith averted face'] And you may throw me out
tomorrow if I dont do everything you want me to ?
HIGGINS. Yes ; and you may walk out tomorrow if I
dont do everything you want me to.
LIZA. And live with my stepmother?
HIGGINS. Yes, or sell flowers.
Aci V Pygmalion 83
LIZA. Oh! if I only could go back to my flower
basket ! I should be independent of both you and father
and all the world! Why did you take my independence
from me? Why did I give it up? I'm a slave now, for all
my fine clothes.
HiGGiNS. Not a bit. I'll adopt you as my daughter and
settle money on you if you like. Or would you rather
marry Pickering?
LIZA [looking fiercely round at hini\ I wouldnt marry you
if you asked me ; and youre nearer my age than what
he is.
HIGGINS [gentlf\ Than he is: not "than what he is."
LIZA {losing her temper and rising] I'll talk as I like.
Youre not my teacher now.
HIGGINS \refiectively\ I dont suppose Pickering would,
though. Hes as confirmed an old bachelor as I am.
LIZA. Thats not what I want ; and dont you think it.
Ive always had chaps enough wanting me that way. Freddy
Hill writes to me twice and three times a day, sheets and
sheets.
HIGGINS [disagreeably surprised] Damn his impudence !
[He recoils and finds himself sitting on his heels].
"LiZK. He has a right to if he likes, poor lad. And he
does love me.
HIGGINS [getting off the ottoman] You have no right to
encourage him.
LIZA. Every girl has a right to be loved.
HIGGINS. What! By fools like that?
LIZA. Freddy's not a fool. And if he's weak and poor and
wants me, may be he'd make me happier than my betters
that bully me and dont want me.
HIGGINS. Can he make anything of you? That's the
point.
LIZA. Perhaps I could make something of him. But I
never thought of us making anything of one another ; and
you never think of anything else. I only want to be
natural.
84 Pygmalion Act V
HiGGiNs. In short, you want me to be as infatuated about
you as Freddy ? Is that it ?
LIZA. No I dont. Thats not the sort of feeling I want
from you. And dont you be too sure of yourself or of me.
I could have been a bad girl if I'd liked. Ive seen more
of some things than you, for all your learning. Girls like
me can drag gentlemen down to make love to them easy
enough. And they wish each other dead the next minute.
HIGGINS. Of course they do. Then what in thunder are
we quarrelling about.?
LIZA \^much troubled^ I want a little kindness, I know
I'm a common ignorant girl, and you a book-learned gentle-
man ; but I'm not dirt under your feet. What I done
\^correcting herself^ what I did was not for the dresses and
the taxis : I did it because we were pleasant together and
I come — came — to care for you ; not to want you to make
love to me, and not forgetting the difference between us,
but more friendly like.
HIGGINS. Well, of course. Thats just how I feel. And
how Pickering feels. Eliza : youre a fool.
LIZA. Thats not a proper answer to give me [she sinks
on the chair at the writing-table in tears],
HIGGINS. It's all youll get until you stop being a common
idiot. If youre going to be a lady, youll have to give up
feeling neglected if the men you know dont spend half their
time snivelling over you and the other half giving you black
eyes. If you cant stand the coldness of my sort of life, and
the strain of it, go back to the gutter. Work til you are
more a brute than a human being ; and then cuddle and
squabble and drink til you fall asleep. Oh, it's a fine life,
the life of the gutter. It's real : it's warm : it's violent :
you can feel it through the thickest skin : you can taste
it and smell it without any training or any work. Not
like Science and Literature and Classical Music and
Philosophy and Art. You find me cold, unfeeling, selfish,
dont you .? Very well : be off with you to the sort of
people you like. Marry some sentimental hog or other with
Act V Pygmalion 85
lots of money, and a thick pair of lips to kiss you with
and a thick pair of boots to kick you with. If you cant
appreciate what youve got, youd better get what you can
appreciate.
LIZA [^desperate'] Oh, you are a cruel tyrant. I cant talk
to you : you turn everything against me : I'm always in the
wrong. But you know very well all the time that youre
nothing but a bully. You know I cant go back to the gutter,
as you call it, and that I have no real friends in the world
but you and the Colonel. You know well I couldnt bear
to live with a low common man after you two ; and its
wicked and cruel of you to insult me by pretending
I could. You think I must go back to Wimpole Street
because I have nowhere else to go but father's. But dont
you be too sure that you have me under your feet to be
trampled on and talked down. I'll marry Freddy, I will, as
soon as hes able to support me.
HiGGiNS [sitting down beside her\ Rubbish ! you shall marry
an ambassador. You shall marry the Governor-General of
India or the Lord-Lieutenant of Ireland, or somebody who
wants a deputy-queen. I'm not going to have my master-
piece thrown away on Freddy.
LIZA. You think I like you to say that. But I havnt
forgot what you said a minute ago ; and I wont be coaxed
round as if I was a baby or a puppy. If I cant have kind-
ness, I'll have independence.
HIGGINS. Independence ? Thats middle class blasphemy.
We are all dependent on one another, every soul of us on
earth.
LIZA [rising determinedly'] I'll let you see whether I'm
dependent on you. If you can preach, I can teach. I'll go
and be a teacher.
HIGGINS. Whatll you teach, in heaven's name ?
LIZA. What you taught me. I'll teach phonetics.
HIGGINS, Ha! ha! ha!
LIZA. I'll offer myself as an assistant to Professor
Nepean.
86 Pygmalion Act V
HiGGiNS [rising in a /ury] What ! That impostor ! that
humbug ! that toadying ignoramus ! Teach him my
methods ! my discoveries ! You take one step in his
direction and I'll wring your neck. [He /ays hands on her\.
Do you hear ?
LIZA [defiantly non-resistant] Wring away. What do I
care? I knew youd strike me some day. [He lets her go^
stamping with rage at having forgotten himself, and recoils
so hastily that he stumbles back into his seat on the ottoman].
Aha ! Now I know how to deal with you. What a fool I.
was not to think of it before ! You cant take away the
knowledge you gave me. You said I had a finer ear than
you. And I can be civil and kind to people, which is more
than you can. Aha ! Thats done you, Henry Higgins, it
has. Now I dont care that [snapping her fingers] for your
bullying and your big talk. I'll advertize it in the papers
that your duchess is only a flower girl that you taught, and
that she'll teach anybody to be a duchess just the same
in six months for a thousand guineas. Oh, when I think
of myself crawling under your feet and being trampled
on and called names, when all the time I had only to
lift up my finger to be as good as you, I could just kick
myself.
HIGGINS [wondering at her] You damned impudent slut,
you ! But it's better than snivelling ; better than fetching
slippers and finding spectacles, isnt it? [Rising] By George,
Eliza, I said I'd make a woman of you j and I have. I
like you like this.
LIZA. Yes: you turn round and make up to me now
that I'm not afraid of you, and can do without you.
HIGGINS. Of course I do, you little fool. Five minutes
ago you were like a millstone round my neck. Now youre
a tower of strength : a consort battleship. You and I and
Pickering will be three old bachelors together instead of
only two men and a silly girl.
Mrs Higgins returns, dressed for the wedding. Eliza in-
stantly becomes cool and elegant.
Act V Pygmalion 87
MRS HiGGiNS. The Carriage is waiting, Eliza. Are you
ready ?
LIZA. Quite. Is the Professor coming?
MRS HIGGINS. Certainly not. He cant behave himself in
church. He makes remarks out loud all the time on the
clergyman's pronunciation.
LIZA. Then I shall not see you again, Professor. Good-
bye. [S/^e goes to the door\.
MRS. HiGGiNS [comitig to Higgini\ Good-bye, dear.
HIGGINS. Good-bye, mother. \He is about to kiss her^ when
he recollects something^ Oh, by the way, Eliza, order a
ham and a Stilton cheese, will you. And buy me a pair
of reindeer gloves, number eights, and a tie to match that
new suit of mine, at Eale and Binman's. You can choose
the color. \^His cheerful careless vigorous voice shews that he
is incorrigible\
LIZA [^disdainfully'] Buy them yourself. [She sweeps out].
MRS HIGGINS. I'm afraid youve spoiled that girl, Henry.
But never mind, dear : I'll buy you the tie and gloves.
HIGGINS [sunnily] Oh, dont bother. She'll buy cm all
right enough. Good-bye.
They kiss. Mrs Higgins runs out. Higgins, left alone, rattles
his cash in his pocket; chuckles; and disports himself in a highly
self-satisfied manner.
Printed by R. & R. Clark, Limited, Edinburgh.
PS'
Live Music Archive
Librivox Free Audio
Metropolitan Museum
Cleveland Museum of Art
Internet Arcade
Console Living Room
Books to Borrow
Open Library
TV News
Understanding 9/11