"Quaint Epitaphs"

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\H2.t.Hl-^

HiWARD COLLEGE LBRARY

prai

FBDM THE UBRARfOF

FREDERICK LEWIS GAY

*CLASSOF18T8*

OF BROOKLINE
MASSACHUSETTS

OMDCCCCXVlffl'

''Quairit gpitaph^s"

COLLECTED BY

SusAH Darling Safpord.

// >- -^^ :• . y./, s-

»• • »• I

OF F. LGAv
NOV. 3, 1Si(i

Ck>FTBieHT, 1895,
Bt BUBAN DABUNG BAFFOBD.

ALFMD MUDOe A SON| PRINTiRS, 84 FRANKLIN STRIETi BOSTON.

INTRODUCTION.

This collection of epitaphs was started in a very modest
fashion about thirty-five years ago, when the compiler
found great pleasure in searching all the graveyards near
her Vermont home for quaint inscriptions upon old tomb-
stones. It was neither a morbid curiosity nor a spirit of
melancholy that attracted her to the weather-beaten slabs
of marble and slate, but rather a fondness for studying
human eccentricity as revealed in whimsical epitaphs.
In almost every graveyard one can find

" Some frail memorial still erected nigh,
With nnooQih rhymes and shapeless seolptore decked "

and these have given many hours of pleasure to one who
finds in such sombre elegies of the dead most interesting
reflections of the living.

As the only purpose of carrying on such odd researches
was to satisfy a fondness for freakish ingenuity, much less
interest was found in the thousands of amusing epitaphs
that are penned by writers for comic papers or by wags
in general. Fictitious inscriptions lack the charm of
aiithenticily, which in the case of epitaphs is decidedly
more desirable than imagination. All selections which
could not be definitely located are classed by themselves,
but many of these are known to have actually existed,
though for varying reasons the collector is unable to
vouch for their exact locality.

In a few instances the names have been changed,
where it was thought that verbatim copies of the epitaphs
might prove invidious to the relatives or friends of the

4 INTBODUCnON.

dead. It is hoped that the division into localities will
prove a convenience to a majority of readers, who
naturally will not care to read such a book through at one
sitting, but rather to pick it up now and then when in
the mood for such light entertainment as it can afford.
The spelling has necessarily been changed at times from
the antiquated aud almost hieroglyphic forms which would
defy the most careful typography; but in general the
orthography and punctuation are copied verbatim from
the originals.

The compiler trusts that it is not an act of unreasonable
presumption to publish a book of epitaphs when so many
already exist. In fact it was partly because of the
numerous requests for an examination of her collection
that the plan of publishing it was adopted. Such an
ambitious consummation of her pleasant labor never
occurred to her until her original note-books became
badly worn and torn in their travels from friend to friend,
from town to town, and it is hardly an exaggeration to
say that they have been from Portland to Portiand, from
Augusta to Augusta, in response to the urgent requests of
those who have in some manner heard of their existence.
If her collection is as kindly received in book form, as it
has been in its less preteutious condition, the editor will
feel that its publication was not due to an immoderate
confidence in its variety and general interest.

SUSAN DARLING SAETORD.
Boston, Mass., April 6, 1896.

QUAINT EPITAPHS.

MAINE.

WiNSLOW.

Here lies the body of Eichard Thomas, an English-
man by birth, a Whig of '76 — a Cooper by trade,
now food for worms. Like an old rum puncheon
whose staves are all marked and numbered he will
be raised and put together again by his Maker.

Here lies the body of John Mound
Lost at sea and never found.

Here lies one Wood enclosed in wood,
One Wood within another.
The outer wood is very good.
We cannot praise the other.

Portland.

The little hero that lies here
Was conquered by the diarrhoea.

Gridiwokag — 1636.

Beneath this stone now dead to grief
Lies Grid the famous Wokag chief.
Pause here and think you learned prig.
This man was once an Indian big.
Consider this, ye lowly one.
This man was once a big in — ^jun.
Now he lies here, you too must rot,
As sure as pig shall go to pot.

6 QUAnrr EPITAPHS.

In the same chmchyard.
Here Betsy Brown her body lies.
Her soul is flying in the skies.
While here on earth she oftimes spun
Six hundred skeins from sun to sun,
And wove one day, her daughter brags,
Two hundred pounds of carpet rags.

Eastport.

" Transplanted "

KiTTERY — 1803.

I lost my life in the raging seas
A sovereign God does as he please.
The Kittery friends did then appear.
And my remains they buried here.

We can but mourn our loss.
Though wretched was his life.
Death took him from the cross,
Erected bv his wife.

Bath.

Our life is but a Winter's day.

Some breakfast and away.

Others to dinner stay and are well fed. .

The oldest sups and goes to bed.

Large is his debt who lingers out the day.

Who goes the soonest has the least to pay.

John Phillips.
Accidentally shot as a mark of
affection by his brother.

After life's fever, I sleep well.

QUAINT EPITAPHS.

NEW HAMPSHIRE.

HOLLIS.

Here the old man lies

No one laughs and no one cries

Where he's gone or how he fares

Ko one knows and no one cares.

But his brother James and his wife Emeline

They were his friends all the time.

Here lies our young and blooming daughter —
Murdered by the cruel and relentless Henry.
When coming home from school he met her,
And with a six self shooter, shot her.

Here lies Cynthia, Stevens' wife
She lived six years in calms and strife.
Death came at last and set her free.
1 was glad and so was she.

In youth he was a scholar bright.
In learning he took great delight.
He was a major's, only son.
It was by love he was undone.

Here lies old Caleb Ham,
By trade a bum.
When he died the devil cried,
Come, Caleb, come.

Peak Cembtbby.

Thomas Culbert.

The voice of a stepfather beneath this
Stone is to rest one, shamefully robbed
In life by his wife's son, and Esq Tom
And David Learys wife

(The above is a verbatim oopy.)

QCAINT EFITAPUS.

a>.

JOBiah Kaines.
He was a bleBHing to the gaiate,
To sinners rich and poor,
He was a kind and wortliy man,
He's gone to be no more.
He kept the faith onto the end
And left the world in peace.
He did not tor a doctor send
Nor for a hltellng priest.

Mrs. Joslah Haines.
Here beuealh these maihle stones
Sleeps the dust and rests the bones
Of one who lived a Christian life
T'was Haines's — Josiah's wife.
She was a woman full of truth
And feared God from early youth.
And priests and elders did her fight
Because she brought her deeds to light.

f

Here lies a man never beat by a plan,
Straight was his aim and sure of bis game,
Never was a lover but invented a revolver,

Jaffbey.

A tree n^ro, Amos Fortune, settled tn JaSre; more than one
bandied yean ago, though warned off aa a possible pauper, luid left
one qntUnC bit ot history — hU estate, to the town. Put ol it
bought tbe oommnnion seTTlceBtlU Innse (189D.) On the grave-
stone ot his wite is this inscription : —

Sacred to the memory of Violate, by purchase the
Slave of Amos Fortune, by marriage his wife, by
fidelity his companion and solace, and by his death
hia widow.

QUAINT EPITAPHS.

VERMONT.

Our little Jacob has been taken away to bloom in a
superior flower pot above.

My wife lies here.

All my tears cannot bring her back;

Therefore, I weep.

This little buttercup was bound to join the heavenly
choir.

BURLINQTON.

Beneath this stone our baby lays
He neither crys or hollers.
He lived just one and twenty days,
And cost us forty dollars.

Charity wife of Gideon Bligh
Underneath this stone doth lie
Naught was she e'er known to do
That her husband told her to.

Here lies the wife of brother Thomas,
Whom tyrant death has torn from us,
Her husband never shed a tear,
Until his wife was buried here.
And then he made a fearful rout.
For fear she might find her way out.

He first departed, she a little tried to live without
him. Liked it not and died.

10 QUAINT EPITAPHS.

BXTBLINGTOK.

His illness lay not in one part
But o'er his frame it spread.
The fatal disease was in his heart
And water in his head.

In memory of Elizabeth Taylor.
Could blooming years and modesty and all thats
pleasing to the eye,

Against grim death been a defence,
Elizabeth had not gone hence.

Died when young and full of promise
Of whooping cough our Thomas.

She lived with her husband fifty years

And died in the confident hope of a better life.

Stop dear parent cast your eye,
And here you see your children lie.
Though we are gone one day before,
You may be cold in a minute more.

Little Teddy, fare thee well.
Safe from earth in Heaven to dwell.
Almost Cherub here below,
Altogether angel now.

On a tombstone for man and wile.

In sunny days and stormy weather,
In youth, and age, we clung together.
We lived and loved, laughed and cried
Together — and almost together died.

^ •'-.

quaint epitaphs. 11

Windsor.

Behold! I come as a thief.

Death loves a shining mark.
In this case he had it.

Stowe.

Erected by a widower in memory of his two wives.

This double call is laid to all,
Let none surprise or wonder.
But to the youth it speaks a truth,
In accents loud as thunder.

Stranger pause as you pass by;
My thirteen children with me lie.
See their faces how they shine
Like blossoms on a fruitful vine.

A rum cough carried him off.

Here lies the body of old Uncle David,
Who died in the hope of being sa-ved.
Where he's gone or how he fares,
Nobody knows and nobody cares.

The body that lies buried here
By lightning fell, death's sacrifice.
To him Elijah's fate was given
He rode on flames of fire to heaven.

Stay, reader, drop upon this stone
One pitying tear and then be gone :
A handsome pile of flesh and blood
Is here sunk down in its first mud.

12 quaint epitaphs.

Stowb.

I was somebody — who? is no business of yours.

My wife from me departed
And robbed me like a knave;
Wliich caused me broken hearted
To sink into this grave.
My children took an active part,
To doom me did contrive;
Which stuck a dagger in my heart
That I could not survive.

Pious.
Open thine eyes Lord
I come I I come I

Sacred to the memory of three twins.

My glass is run; yours is running.
Eemember death and judgment coming.

This stone was got to keep this lot.
Her father bought. Dig not too near.

Grim death took little Jerry,
The son of Joseph and Sereno Ho wells.
Seven days he wrestled with the dysentery
And then he perished in his little bowels.

Newfane.

Oh, little Lavina she has gone
To James and Charles and Eliza Ann.
Arm in arm they walk above
Singing the Redeemer's love.

— "«•«

Malden.

QUAINT EPITAPHS. 13

MASSACHUSETTS.

Fhebe Sprague.

In the sixteenth year of her age,

Natively quick and spry

As all young people be,

When God commands them down to dust,

How quick they drop you see.

Melbose.

When I am dead and in my grave
And all my bones are rotten.
If this you see, remember me,
Nor let me be f orgotton.

Wendell.

Mary Hardy Goss Hill Sawin.

Orphan of affection and grief, adopted by aunt and
grandsire, nurse of their hospital home.

Wife and widow of Dea John Hills.

Happy wife in rural home of Thomas Sawin eight
years.

Often prisinor of calamity and pain.

Exhile of inherited melancholy fifteen years.

Patient waiter on decay and death.

Lover of all who love Jesus.

Here lies the body of Samuel Proctor
Who lived and died without a doctor.

Under these stones lies three children dear;
Two are hurried at Taunton and I lie here.

'

14 quaint epitaphs.

Bromfield.

In memory of Stephen Pynchon.

One truth is certain when this life is o'er,
Man dies to live and lives to die no more.

Mabshfield.

Julia Webster Appleton.

*' Let me go for the day breaketh."

Mt. Aububn.

" An eclipse at meridian."

Here lies one John Witherbee,
A Boston gallant chap was he.
God had no use for such as he,
The devil rejected Witherbee.

Here lies a man beneath this sod,
Who slandered all except his Grod,
And him he would have slandered too,
But that his God he never knew.

Plymouth.

Here lies the body of Thomas Yemon,
The only surviving son of Admiral Yemon.

Here lies the bones of Eichard Lawton
Whose death alas I was strangely brought on.
Trying his corns one day to mow off.
His razor slipped and cut his toe off.
His toe or rather what it grew to,
An inflimation quickly fiew to.
Which took alas ! to mortifying
And was the cause of Eichards dying.

^^ — — _ . -, ^^. — --

quaint epitaphs. 15

Habyabd.

Dea Lemuel Willard

Died in 1821

When present useful, absent wanted
Lived respected, died lamented.

Bishop Jewel

He wrote learnedly, preached painfully, lived piously,
died peacefully

John Safford.

Crushed as a moth beneath Thy hands
We moulder back to dust.
Our feeble frames cannot withstand
And all our beauty 's lost.
This mortal life decays apace
How soon the bubble 's broke.
Adam and all his numerous race
Are vanity and smoke.

John Daby.

Tis but a few whole days amount

To three score years and ten;

And all beyond that short account

Is sorrow toil and pain.

Our vitals with laborious strife

Bear up the crazy load.

And drag these poor remains of life

Along the toilsome road.

Boston. (Granary Burying Ground.)

Here I lie bereft of breath
Because a cough carried me off ;
Then a coffin they carried me off in.

16 QUAINT EPITAPHS.

DORCHSBTEB.

This world's a city, full of crooked streets;
And Death the market place where all men meets.
If life were merchandize that men could buy
The rich wo^ld live and none but poor would die.

Of pneumonia supervening consumption compli-
cated with other diseases, the main symptom of
which was insanity.

Submit, submitted to her heavenly King
Being a flower of the etheral Spring —
Near three years old she died — In Heaven to wait
The year was sixteen hundred forty eight.

EOWLEY.

Ezekiel Eogers, Minister

Died in 1660.

With the youth he took great pains, and was a tree
of knowledge laden with fruit which the children
could reach.

Epitaph of Bev. Jonathan Mltohel, pastor of the first church in
Cambridge. Died July 9, 1668.

Here lies the darling of his time

Mitchel expired in his prime.

Who four years short of forty seven

Was found full ripe and plucked for Heaven.

South Dennis.

Of seven sons the Lord his father gave,

He was the fourth who found a watery grave.

Eif teen days had passed since the circumstance

occurred,
When his body was found and decently interred.

quaint epitaphs. 17

Vineyard Haven.

John and Lydia, that blooming pair,

A whale killed him and her body lies here.

Chatham.

There were three brothers went to sea
Who were never known to wrangle
Holmes Hole — cedar pole
Crinkle, crinkle crangle.

Three brothers started for Holmes Hole in an open boat for
cedar poles, and on the passage were killed by lightning, repre-
sented by the crinkle, crinkle, crangle.

Time was I stood as thou doest now
And viewed the dead as thou doest me.
E'er long thou '1 lie as low as I
And others stand to look on thee.

Norton.

A blacksmith's epitaph composed by himself.

My sledge and hammer lie reclined,
My bellows too have lost their wind,
My fire's extinct, my forge decayed.
And in the dust my vice is laid.
My iron spent, my coal is gone.
My nails are drove — my work is done.

Brockton.

Indulgent world I bid adieu.

Farewell, dear friends, farewell to you.

No more kindness can I show.

To any creature here below.

I am invited to my tomb.

To sleep awhile till Jesus come.

18 QUADTT EPITAFHS.

WATIiAND.

Here lies the body of Dr Hayward,

A man who never voted.

Of such is the kingdom of Heaven.

Chelsea.

Agreeable to the memory of
Mrs Alinda Tewksbury.
She was not a beleiver in the Christian idolitiy.

East Wareham.

Erected by the creditors of a bachelor Irishman.

Hibemia's son himself exiled.
Without an inmate, wife or child,

He lived alone.
And when he died, his purse, though small.
Contained enough to pay us all.

And buy this stone.

Bebecca ITourse

Yarmouth Eng 1621

Salem Mass 1692

Accused of witchcraft she declared '' I am inno-
cent and God will clear my innocency" Once ac-
quitted yet falsely condemned she suffered death July
19th, 1692.

O Christian Martyr who for truth could die,
When all about thee owned the hideous lie
The world redeemed from superstition's sway.
Is breathing freer for thy sake to-day.

- .y --- -

QUAim? EPITAFHS. 19

CONNECTICUT.
New Haven.

Composed by the deceased.

Partridge Thacher.
Rest here, my body, till the Archangers voice more
sonorous far than nine fold thunder, wakes the sleeping
dead; then rise to thy just sphere and be my house
immortal.

On a babe four days old.

Since I so very soon was done for
I wonder what I was begun for.

Here lies the body of Obadiah Wilkinson

And Bulb, his wife.
Their warfare is accomplished.

Franklin White.
Here lies Frank a shining light
Whose name, life, actions all were white.

Header pass on. Don't waste your time
On bad biography and bitter rhyme.
For what I am this crumbling clay assures,
And what I was is no affair of yours.

God works a wonder now and then,
He though a lawyer was an honest man.

Dr. Somerby.
At length a grave spots for him provided.
Where all through him so many of us died did.

Early, bright, chaste as morning dew,

She sparkled, was exalted and went to heaven.

20 QUAINT EPITAPHS.

NOBFOLE.

Lieut. Nathan Davis.

Died in 1781.

Death is a debt that's justly due,
That I have paid and so must you.

Elizabeth, wife of Nathan Davis.

Died 1786.

This debt I owe is justly due,
And I am come to sleep with you.

NEW YORK.

Seaneateles.

Underneath this pile of stones
Lie's all thats left of Sally Jones.
Her name was Lord it was not Jones.
But Jones was used to ryme with stones.

Mary Drummond Smith.

Neuralgia worked on Mrs. Smith
'Till neath the sod it laid her.
She was a worthy Methodist
And served as a crusader.

Wyoming County.

She was in health at 11.30 a. m.
And left for Heaven at 3.30 p. m.

East Thompson.

Here lies one who never sacrificed his reason to super-
stitious God, nor ever believed that Jonah swallowed the
whale.

-->. ^~

quaint epitaphs. 21

New Yobk City.

Trinity Ohnrchyard.

3767.

Tho' Boreas' blasts and boisterous waves

Have tossed me to and fro,

In spite of both by God's decree

I harbor here below;

Where I do now at anchor ride

With many of our fleet,

Yet once again I must set sail,

My Admiral Christ to meet.

Alden White.
Grim death took me without any warning,
I was well one day, and stone dead next morning.

Madeline White.
God takes the good too good on earth to stay,
God leaves the bad too bad to take away.

Sarah Thomas is dead and that's enough
The candle is out and so is the snuff
Her soul is in Heaven you need not fear
And all that's left is buried here.

Ithaca.

The pale consumption gave the mortal blow.
The fate was certain although the event was slow.

While on earth my knee was lame,
I had to nurse and heed it.
But now I'm at a better place.
Where I don't even need it.

22 quaikt epitaphs.

Ithaca*

Her blooming cheeks were no defence
Against the scarlet fever.
In five day's time she was cut down,
To dwell with Christ forever.

Moses White.
His grand excellence was that he was genuine.

Father and Mother and I
Choose to be buried asunder .
Father and Mother here,
And I buried yonder.

Julia King.
I go to meet my brother.

John Dale
and his two wives.
A period's come to all their toilsome lives.
The good man's quiet — still are both his wives.

Gbbbnwood.

Grieve not for me my Harriet dear
For I am better off,
You know what were my sufferings
And what a dreadful cough.

David Stuart
A loving father and companion.
Follow me as I have — Jesus.

QUAINT EPITAPHS. 28

Orange County.

Underneath this stone doeth lie
As much virtue as could die;
Which when alive did vigor give
To as much of beauty as could live.

Amos Judge

(Coal dealer.)

He gave full weight to all t^is said
And did it without vaunting;
When in the ballance he is weighed
He will not be found wanting.

William Newhall.
He 'rose in health at early dawn
To hail the new born year :
Before the evening shade came on
He finished his career.

He was a man of invention great
Above all who he lived nigh ;
But he could not invent to live
When God called him to die.

A thousand ways cut short our days,
None are exempt from death.
A honey-bee by stinging me
Did stop my mortal breath.

He got a fish bone in his throat
And then he sang an angel's note.

24

QUAINT EPITAPHS.

Obanqe County.

Here lies a kind and loving wife,
A tender nursing mother ;
A neighbor free from brawl and strife,
A pattern for all others.

To the memory of
Susan Mum.

Silence is wisdom.

This corpse
is
Phebe Thorps.

Neal Keven.
His accounts were found square to a cent.

A Watch-maker's Epitaph

Copied from a tomb-stone in Wales by old Sexton Brown, the
once famous sexton of Grace Church, N. Y.

Here lies in a horizontal position the outside case
of George Kutlege watch-maker, whose abilities in
that line were an honor to his profession.

Integrity was the main-spring of all the actions of
his life. Humane, honest and lodustrious his hands
never stopped until they had relieved distress.

He had the art of disposing of his time in such a
way that he never went wrong except when set
agoing by persons who did not know his key, and
even then was easily set right again.

He departed this life wound up in the hope of being
taken in hand by his Maker, thoroughly cleaned,
regulated and repaired and set going in the world to
come.

QUAINT EPITAPHS. 25

IN THE SOUTH.

PHIIiADELFHIA. Chriflt's Charchyard.

(Written by himself when twenty-three years of age.)

The body of Benjamen Franklin, printer like the
coyer of an old book its contents torn out and stripped
of its lettering and gilding, lies here food for worms.

Yet the work itself shall not be lost for it will, as
he believed, appear once more in a new and more
beautiful edition corrected and amended by the
author.

Carved on a little stone in a Maryland churchyard, after the
name of the dead.

^^ He held the pall at the funeral of Shakspeare."

Bayfield, Miss.

(On a child struck by lightning.)
Struck by thunder.

Stranger pause my tale attend.
And learn the cause of Hannah's end.
Across the world the wind did blow,
She ketched a cold that laid her low.
We sbed a lot of tears 'tis true,
But life is short — aged 82.

Here lies my wife in earthly mould.
Who when she lived did naught but scold.
Peace ! wake her not, for now she's still,
She had; but now I have my will.

26 quaint epitaphs.

Alsxakdria, Ya.

To the memory of a female stranger whoes mortal
sufferings ended Oct. 14tli 1816.

How Talued, how loved once, avails thee not
To whom related, or by whom begot.
A heap of dust alone remains of thee,
Tis all thou art and all the proud shall be.

Peter Letig was his name,
Heaven I hope his station,
Baltimore was his dwelling place
And Christ is his salvation.

The milk of human kindness was Vny own dear cherub
wife

I'll never find another one as good in all my life.
She bloomed, she blossomed, she decayed.
And under this tree her body we laid.

Mr. James Danner, late of Loaisvllle, having been laid by the
side of his four wives, received this touching epitaph :

An excellent husband was this Mr. Danner,
He lived in a thoroughly honorable manner.

He may have had troubles.

But they burst like bubbles.
He's at peace, now with Mary, Jane Susan and Hannah.

Mabyland.

Henrietta thou was mild and lovely,
Grentle as a summer breeze;
Pleasant as the air of evening.
When it floats among the trees.
With triumph on her tongue
With radiance on her brow,
She passed to that exalted throng
And shares their glory now.

'■ii^y"X'!i<j<.^ ii^iw , ^^-^

QUAINT EPITAFHS. 27

Mabtland.

They were two loving sisters,
Who in this dust do lie.
The very day Annie was buried
Elizabeth did die.

My father and mother were both insane

I inherited the terrible stain.

My grandfather, grandmother, aunts and uncles

Were lunatics all, and yet died of carbuncles.

Here lies the bones of David Jones,
Laid both dead and dumb.
He read a law and plead a cause
But died from drinking rum.

Over the grave of a brave engineer.

Until the brakes are turned on time,

Life's throttle-valve shut down.

He works to pilot in the crew

That wears the martyr's crown.

On schedule time, on upper grade

Along the homeward section.

He lands his train in God's roundhouse

The mom of resurrection.

His time is full, no wages docked,

His name on God's pay roll.

And transportation through to Heaven

A free pass for his soul.

Elizabeth Scott lies buried here.
She was born Nov 20th 1785,
according to the best of her recollection.

28 QUAINT EPITAPHS.

TENiraSSEE.

She lived a life of virtue and died of the cholera
morbus, caused by eating green fruit in hope of a blessed
immortality.

Reader, go thou and do likewise.

Sacred to the memory of Henry Harris who died from a
kick by a colt in his bowells.

Peacable and quiet, a friend to his father and mother,
respected by all who knew him — gone to the world where
horses don't kick, where sorrow and weeping are no more.

Here lies my twins as dead as nits
One died of fever the other of fits.

Some have children others none.
Here lies the mother of twenty one.

Yazoo City.

Here lie two grandsons of
John Hancock, first signer of the
Declaration of Independence.
(Their names are respectively Geo. M.
and John H. Hancock)
and their eminence hangs on
their having had a grandfather.

UNLOCATED.

Beneath this stone, a lump of day.

Lies Arabella Young,
Who on the twenty first of May

Began to hold her tongue.

Ebenezer Dockwood aged forty seven,

A miser and a hypocrite and never went to Heaven.

QUAINT EPITAPHS. 29

"Within this grave do lie.
Back to back my wife and I.
When the last trump the air shall fill,
If she gets up I'll just lie still.

Mammy and I together lived,
Just three years and a half.
She went first, I followed next.
The cow before the calf.

A man had cremated four wives, and the ashes, kept in four
xoDS, being overturned and fallen together, were buried at last
and had this droll inscription:

Stranger pause and shed a tear,
For Mary Jane lies buried here.
Mingled in a most surprising manner
With Susan, Marie and portions of Hannah.

Sacred to the memory

Of Miss Martha Grimm.

She was so very spare within.

She burst the outward shell of sin

And hatched herself a cherubim.

No doctor ever physicked me.

Was never near my side.

But when fever came I thought of the name,

And that was enough — I died.

This is to the memory of Ellen Hill,

A woman who would always have her will.

She snubbed her husband but she made good bread

Yet on the whole he's rather glad she's dead.

She whipped her children and she drank her gin,

Whipped virtue out and whipped the devil in.

May all such women go to some great fold

Where they through all eternity may scold.

so QUAINT SPITAPH8.

f^acred to the memory of William Skaradon who
came to his death by being shot with a Colts revolver,
one of the old kind brass mounted and of such is the
kingdom of heaven.

Timothy Egan
He heard the angels calling him,
From the celestial shore.
He flopped his wings and away he flew
To make one angel more.

Here lies the body of Mary Ford
We hope her soul is with the Lord.
But if for tophet she's changed this life.
Better be there than J. Ford's wife.

A zealous locksmith died of late.
And did not enter Heaven's gate.
But stood without and would not knock
Because he meant to pick the lock.

Ashes to ashes dust to dust.

Here lies George Finery I trust.

And when the trump blows louder and louder

He'll rise a box of Emery powder.

There was a man who died of late.
Whom angels did impatient wait
With outstretched arms and smiles of love
To take him up to the realms above.
While hovering 'round the lower skies
' Still disputing for the prize.

The devil slipped in like a weasil
And down to Hell he took old Kezle.

QUAINT EPITAPHS. 31

Here lies interred Priscilla Bird
Who sang on earth till sixty two.
Now up on high above the sky
No doubt she sings like sixty — too.

Here lies Jane Smith,
Wife of Thomas Smith, Marble Cutter.

This monument was erected by her husband as a
tribute to her memory and a specimen of his work.

Monuments of this same style are two hundred and
fifty dollars.

A Cricket Player's Epitaph.

In the pride of his manhood he heard the last call.
Though first in the field where his feet pressed the sod.
He hath gained his last wicket and thrown his last ball,
To join in the choir 'round the throne of his God.

Here lies the body of Susan Lowder
Who burst while drinking a Sedlit powder.
Called from this world to her heavenly rest
She should have waited till it effervesced.

A man of letters it seems was he ;
The college made him L.L. D.
The Order a P. G. W. C.
Grim death has given him the G. B.
And may his ashes B. I. P.

After cremation.

And this is all that's left of thee
Thou fairest of earth's daughters.
Only four pounds of ashes white
Out of two hundred and three quarters.

82 QUAINT EPITAPHS.

James Payn, the noyelist, speaks of this epitaph as " pathetic
and ezpressiye."

Here lies an old woman who always was tired,

For she lived in a house where help was not hired; ,

And her last words on earth were, j

Dear friends I am going |

Where no washing is done nor sweeping or sewing.

Where all things will be exact to my wishes,

For where there's no eating there's no washing of dishes.

I'll be where loud anthems are constantly ringing

But having no voice I shall get clear of singing.

She folded her hands with her latest endeavor

And sighing she whispered sweet nothing forever.

Alpha White
Weight 309 lbs.
Open wide ye golden gates
That lead to the heavenly shore.
Our father suffered in passing through
And mother weighs much more.

The winter snow congealed his form
But now we know our Uncle's warm.

Our papa dear has gone to Heaven
To make arrangements for eleven.

Epitaph on a dentist.

View this gravestone with gravity
He is filling his last cavity.

Here lies Dodge, who dodged^all good
And dodged a deal of evil.
But after dodging all he could
He could not dodge the devil.

QUAINT EPITAPHS. 83

On the tombstone of a disagreeable old man.
" Deeply regretted by all who never knew him."

Here lies Jim Shaw, attomey-at-law.
When he died the devil cried,
Give me your paw, Jim Shaw,
Attorney at law.

Here lies my wife a sad slatterned shrew
If I said I regretted her I should lie too.

Here lies Ann Mann.
She lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.

Here lies Ned Hyde because he died.

If it had been his sister

We should not have missed her.

But would rather it had been his father

Or for the good of the nation

The whole generation.

On a well-known pill doctor.

His virtues and his pills are so well known
That envy can't confine them under stone.

Throughout his life he kneaded bread
And deemed it quite a bore.
But now six feet beneath earth's crust
He needeth bread no more.

Listen, Mother, Aunt and me
Were killed, here we be.
We should not had time to missle
Had they blown the engine whistle.

84 QUAINT EPITAPHS.

Here lies the remains of
John Hall grocer.

The world is not worth a fig

I have good raisins for saying so.

Amanda Lowe.

She loved me and my grandchildren reverenced her.
She hathed my feet and kept my socks well darned.

A hird, a man, a loaded gun.

No bird, dead man, thy will be done.

IN FOREIGN COUNTRIES.

At St. Maby le Bone.

Queen Elizabeth.

(By Laureate Skelton.)

Fame blow aloud, and to the world proclaim.

There never ruled such a royal dame I

The word of God was ever her delight.

In it she meditated day and night.

Spain's rod, Bome's ruin, Netherland's relief,

Earth's joy, England's gem, world's wonder,

Nature's chief.

She was and is, what can there more be said,

On earth the chief, in Heaven the second made.

In Habeow Churchyard.

(Ascribed to Lord Byron.)

Beneath these green trees rising to the sMes,
The planter of them, Isaac Greentree lies I
A time shall come when these green trees shall fall,
And Isaac Greentree rise above them all.

-9

fjgaf

quaint epitaphs. 85

Surrey, England.

The Lord was good I was lopping off wood

And down fell from a tree.
I met with a check that broke my neck

And so God lopped off me.

Here lies John Higley whose father and mother
were drowned in their passage from America. Had
they both liyed they would have been buried here.

Aberdeen, Scotlaj^d.

Here lies Martin Elmrod.
Have mercy on my soul, good God
As I would do were I Lord God
And you were Martin Elmrod.

Here lies Thomas Smith
And what is somewhat rareish,
He was born bred and hanged
In this e'er parish.

Here I lie at the chancel door
And I lie here because I am poor;
For the farther in the more you pay,
But here I lie as warm as they.

PiCKERiNa Churchyard.

Death comes to all, none can resist his dart
At his command the dearest friends must part.
A mournful widow who this truth doth own
In gratitude erects this humble stone.

Childwell, England.

Here lies the body of

John Smith.
Buried in the cloisters
If he dont jump at the last trump,
Call, Oysters I

86 QUAINT EPITAPHS.

England.

If Heaven be pleased when sinners cease to sin,
If Hell be pleased when sinners enter in,
If earth be pleased when ridded of a knave,
Then all are pleased for Coleman's in his grave.

Samuel Grardner was blind in one eye and in a mo-
ment of confusion he stepped out of a receiving and
discharging door in one of the warehouses into the
ineffable glories of the celestial sphere.

To the memory of Bic Bichards who by a gangrene

first lost a toe, then a leg and lastly his life.
Ah cruel Death to make three meals of one,
To taste and eat, and eat till all was gone.
But know thou tyrant when the trump shall call,
He'll find his feet, and stand where thou shalt fall.

Poet & Shoemaker.

Joseph Blackett.

Stranger behold interred together
The lords of learning and of leather.
Poor Joe is gone but left his awl
You'll find his relics in a stall.
His works were neat and often found
Well stitched and with morocco bound.
Tread lightly where the bard is laid;
He cannot mend the shoe he made.
Yet he is happy in his hole
With verse immortal as his soul;
But still to business he held fast
And stuck to Pheabus to the laat.
Then who shall say so good a fellow
Was only leather and prunello ?
For character he did not lack it
And if he did 't were shame to Blackett.

QUAINT EPITAPHS. 37

Poor Betty Conway, she drank lemonade at a

masquerade,
So now she's dead and gone away.

Robert Master, Undertaker.

Here lies Bob Master. EaithI t'was very hard
To take away an honest Robin's breath.
Yes, surely Robin was full well prepared
Eor he was always looking out for death.

Taken from " The Lady's Magazine and Mosioal Repository,"

Jan., 1801.

Epitaph on a Bird.

Here lieth, aged three months the body of Richard
Acauthus a young person of unblemished character.
He was taken in his callow infancy from the wing of
a tender parent by the rough and pitiless hand of a
two-legged animal without feathers.

Though bom with the most aspiring disposition and
unbending love of freedom he was closely confined in
a grated prison and scarcely permitted to view those
fields of which he had an undoubted charter.

Deeply sensible of this infringement of his natural
rights he was often heard to petition for redress in
the most plaintive notes of harmonious sorrow. At
length his imprisoned soul burst the prison which his
body could not and left a lifeless heap of beauteous
feathers.

If suffering innocence can hope for retribution,
deny not to the gentle shade of this unfortunate cap-
tive the humble though uncertain hope of animating
some happier form ; or trying bis new fledged pinions
in some happy elysium, beyond the reach of

Man
the tyrant of this lower world.

38 QUAINT EPITAPHS.

England.

On three children.

" Who plucked my choicest flowers ? " the gardener

cried
" The Master did, " a well known voice replied.
*"T is well they are all his " the gardener said,
And meekly bowed his reverential head.

Beneath this stone in sound repose
Lies William Rich of Lydeard Close.
Eight wives he had yet none survive
And likewise children eight times five,
From whom an issue vast did pour
• Of great grandchildren five times four.
Rich bom, rich bred, yet Fate adverse
His wealth and fortune did reverse.
He lived and died immensely poor
July the tenth aged ninety-four.

Ellington.

Here rest the remains of Alexander McKinstry.
A kind husband, tender parent, dutiful son,
affectionate brother, faithful friend, generous
master, and obliging neighbor. The house
looks desolate and mourns, every door groans
doleful as it turns. The pillars languish and
each silent wall in grief laments the masters
faU.

Joseph Horton, Pedlar.

I lodged have in many a town

And travelled many a year.

Till age and death have brought me down

To my last lodging here.

quaint epitaphs. 39

Falkirk, Eng.

Here lies the body of Eobert Gordon,
Mouth almighty and teeth according.
Stranger tread lightly on this wonder.
If he opens his mouth you are gone to thunder.

Here under this sod and under these trees
Is buried the body of Solomon Pease.
But here in this hole lies only his pod
His soul is shelled out and gone up to God.

Sacred to the memory of Anthony Drake,
Who died for peace and quietness sake.
His wife was constantly scolding and scoffing.
So he sought repose in a twelve dollar coffin.

At rest beneath this slab of stone,
Lies stingy Jimmy Wyett.
He died one morning just at ten
And saved a dinner by it.

Here lies the body of Sarah Sexton

She was a wife that never vexed one.

But I can't say as much for the one at the next stone.

I Dionysius underneath this tomb

Some sixty years of age have reached my doom.

Ne'er having married, think it sad,

And I wish my father never had.

Underneath this marble hearse
Lies the subject of all verse;
Sidney's sister, Pembroke's mother.
Death ere thou hast slain another
Wise and fair and good as she
Time shall throw a dart at thee.

40 quaint epitaphs.

Kent.

Here lies two brothers by misfortune surrounded;
One died of his wounds but the other was drownded.

Epitaph of Snsan Blake.
Written by Sir Thomas Moore at her argent entreaty.

Good Susan Blake in royal state
Arrived at last at Heaven's gate.

(After an abflence of years and haying fallen ont with her he
added these two lines.)

" But Peter met her with a club
And knocked her back to Beelzebub."

Beneath this stone in hopes of Zion,
Doeth lay the landlord of the Lion.
His son keeps in the business still
Besigned unto His heavenly will.

John Palfryman who is buried here
"Was aged four and twenty years.
And near this place his Mother lies
Likewise his father when he dies.

Salisbury.

Farewell vain world I've had enough of thee,
And value not what thou canst say of me;
Thy smiles I court not, nor thy frowns I fear,
All's one to me, my head lies quiet here;
What faults thou'st seen in me take care to shun
And look at home, there's something to be done

Like a tender rose-tree was my spouse to me.
Her offspring plucked too long deprived of life is she.
Three went before, her life went with the sixth:
I stay with the three our sorrows for to mix,
Till Christ our only hope our joys doth fix.

quaint epitaphs. 41

Shetfobd Chuechyard.

My grandfather was buried here,

My cousin Jane and two uncles, dear.

My father perished with inflammation of the eyes.

My sister dropped dead in a nunnery.

But the reason-why I am here interred according to my

thinking,
Is owing to my good living and hard drinking,
If therefore, good Christians, you wish to live long
Dont drink to much wine, brandy, gin, or any thing

strong.

Beneath this monumental stone
Lies half a ton of flesh and bone.

Shakspeare.

Good friends for Jesus' sake forbear
To stir the dust enclosed here.
Blest be the man who spares these stones
And cursed be he who moves my bones.

KovA Scotia.

Here lies old twenty five per cent.
The more he had the more he lent.
The more he had the more he craved,
Great God, can his poor soul be saved?

Mt. Fare: Cemetery, Montreal.

Ered McKernan, Aged three years.

Johnie wants to know where do you now stay

Or with whom do you now play.

Or where do you roam?

For the little iron cot

Your poor mother bought

Still waits for you at home.

42 QUAINT EPITAPHS.

FOLKSTONX.

Mrs David Stuart

For twenty years and eight I lived a maiden's life
And five and thirty years I was a married wife.
And in that space of time eight children I did bear,
Four sons, four daughters who I ever loved most dear ;
Three of that number as the Scriptures run,
Preached up the way to Heaven — and Hell to shun.

Maiden Lillard,

A yoang Scotch woman, who at the battle of Ancmm, 1545, dis-
tinguished heiself by her extraordinary yalor.

Fair Maiden Lillard lies under this sod.
Little was her statue but great was her fame.
Upon the English loons she laid many thumps,
And when her legs were cut off she fought upon
her stumps.

Here lies a man who all his mortal life

Spent mending clocks, but could not mend his wife.

The larum of his bell was ne'er so shrill

As was her tongue, aye, clacking like a mill.

But now he's gone — oh whither none can tell

But hope beyond the sound of Matty^s bell.

Pabis.

Adah Isaac Menkin.

" Thou knowest."

Lord Byron's epitaph on his Newfoundland dog at Newstead.

'^ To mark a friend's remains
These stones arise.
I never knew but one
And here he lies"

quaint epitaphs. 48

Manchester, England.

Here lies John Hill, a man of skill,
His age was five times ten.
He ne'er did good nor ever would
Had he lived as long again.

Beneath these stones repose the bones

of Theodosious Grimm.
He took his beer from year to year
And then the bier took him.

(On a batcher whose name was Lamb.)
Beneath this stone lies Lamb asleep.
Who died a Lamb who lived a sheep.
Many a lamb and sheep he slaughtered
But cruel Death the scene has altered.

Kose Clifford.
This tomb doth here enclose the world's most
beauteous Eose.

Here lies John Quebecca
precentor to My Lord the King.

When he is admitted to the choir of angels whose
society he will embellish and where he will distinguish
himself by his powers of song — God shall say to the
angels —

Cease ye calves I and let me hear

John Quebecca, the precentor of

My Lord the King.

St. Botolph's.

A traveller lies here at rest
Who life's rough ocean tossed on.
His many virtues all expressed
Thus simply — " Pmfrom Boston,'*'*

44 QUAINT EPITAPHS.

St. Clair, Canada.

On a brickmaker.

Keep death and judgment always in your eye

Or else the devil off with you will fly

And in his kiln with burning brimstone ever fry.

If you neglect the narrow road to seek

Christ will respect you like a half burned brick.

Patrick Bay, Innholder.

Killed by an ignorant Physician.
Not Fate or Death but doctor Bowe
Advanced to give the deadly blow
That smote me to the shades below.
Had Death alone approached too nigh,
Had Fate or Nature bid me die,
I must have borne it patiently.

But to be robbed of life and ease
By such infernal quacks as these
And pay, beside their modest fees I
Now folks that travel by this way,
Pointing toward my tomb shall say,
** There lies the bones of Patrick Bay —
Who ne'er a cheerful glass denied,
All force of arms, and grog defied.
Yet by a vile Jack Pudding died."

John Scott
Brewer.
Poor John Scott is buried here

Tho' once he was both hale and stout.
Death stretched him on his bitter bier.
In another world he hops about.

Received of Philip Harding
his borrowed earth July 4th 1673.

, 4 n fm ijv^ i '-- .'-^^^

*

QUAINT EPITAPHS. 45

The Dnke of Norfolk, a great whist player.
(By Sheridan.)

Here lies England's premier baron,
Patiently awaiting the last trump.

Here lies a Cardinal who wrought
Both good and evil in his time.

The good he did was good for naught
Not so the evil — that was prime.

Eliha Yale, the fonnder of Yale College at New Hayen, lies
buried in Wrenham,Wales. His monument bears this inscription :

Bom in America, in Europe bred

In Africa traveled in Asia wed.

Where long he lived and thrived

And at London died.

Much good, some ill he did so hope all's even

And his soul through mercy is gone to Heaven.

You that survive and read this tale take care,

For this most certain event to prepare ;

Where blest in peace the actions of the just

Smell sweet and blossom in the silent dust.

V-" ,%^''

? a" 019 790 27B

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