THE LIBRARY
OF
THE UNIVERSITY
OF CALIFORNIA
LOS ANGELES
THE BOOK OF FUN.
THE RAILWAY
^
8>
UNIQUE SPECIMENS OF
lit, famflttr, $i$MUt t gtrurfcatt,
FUN, LAUGHABLE INCIDENTS, BURLESQUE,
MIRTHFUL AND COMICAL POETRY, DROLL SAYINGS, ftc,
PARTLY ORIGINAL,
gcsigittb Iff ^m»ae, Sfenpcn Wat, gisjjd l|eIja«|jolg.
BY RICHARD BRISK, ESG^.
14 A Merry Heart dotli good like Medicine."— Solomon.
LONDON:
WILLIAM NICHOLSON AND SONS,
20, WARWICK SQUARE, PATERNOSTER ROW,
AND ALBION WORKS, WAKEFIELD.
THE BOOK OF
FUN AND AMUSEMENT.
CHEERFULNESS.
" Use all proper means to maintain mental Hilarity. This you will
do, if you value health and comfort." — Chesterfield.
" And your experience makes you sad ! I had rather have a fool
to make me merry, than experience to make me sad." — Shakspere.
" He marie her melancholy, sad, and heavy,
And so she died : had she heen light, like you,
Of such a merry, nimble, stirring' spirit,
She might have been a g-randam ere she died ;
And so may you : for a light heart lives long-."
Shakspere.
Cheerfulness is a Christian duty, us well as a politic philosophy.
The reasons of cultivating it are innumerable. The influence over
the body is great. The Sacred Scriptures inform us that tranquil-
ity and cheerfulness of mind contribute in no trifling degree to
health and longevity. Thus Solomon says, (Prov. xv. 13.) " A
merry heart maketh a cheerful countenance, hut by sorrow of
the heart the spirit is broken." And in verse 15, he says again,
"He that is of a merry heart hath a continual feast;" the
same as if he had said, A man is far happier in the possession of
a contented mind, than in the enjoyment of the most delicious
luxuries. In ch. xvii. 22, " A merry heart doeth good like a me-
dicine : but a broken spirit drieth the hones," that is, it is as
useful as any medicine to preserve the body from sickness or pre-
mature death. We may add to these, the words of Ecclesiasticus,
ch. xxx. 22, " Gladness of heart is the life of man, and the joy-
fulness of a man prolongeth his days." Therefore whoever de-
sires to enjoy health, should preserve cheerfulness. This state of
mind creates an easy and a gentle motion of the animal spirits:
hence conies a right motion of the heart and arteries, and a proper
tone of the parts by which the fluids are preserved in a constant
and brisk circulation, and from the equable circulation of the fluids,
16263
£!0
TTTE BOOK 01"
health is derived. It is proved hy incontrovertible experience,
that men who are blessed with a tranquil and cheerful disposition,
seldom suffer under any diseases though ever so epidemical, and
although they may happen to be seized therewith, yet they do not
suffer much, notwithstanding they may be highly prejudicial to
others. In diseases which are not free from dangers, it is well
known that medical men conceive high hopes of their patient's re-
covery when they do not yield to despondency.
Therefore read the following pages, and
"LAUGH AND GROW FAT."
Advantages of Fraternity. — A man with a harsh voice was
reading the Koran in a loud tone. A sage passed by, and asked,
"What is thy monthly stipend?" He replied, "Nothing."
"Wherefore then," asked the sage, "dost thou give thyself this
trouble?' He replied, " I read for the sake of God." "Then,"
said the sage, " for God's sake! read not."
If in this fashion the Koran you read,
You'll mar the loveliness of Islam's creed.
AIT UNEXPECTED FORTUNE.
One morning a poor old soldier called at the shop of a hairdres-
ser, who was busy will) his customers, and asked relief, stating that
he had stayed beyond his leave of absence, and, unless he could
get a lilt on the coach, fatigue and severe punishment awaited
him. The hairdresser listened to his story respectfully, and gave
him a guinea. " God bless you, sir!'' said the veteran, astonish-
ed at :b«' amount. " How can 1 repay you? 1 have nothing in
the world but this," pulling out a dirty piece of paper from his
. " it is a recipe for making blacking; the best that ever
was seen : manj a half-guinea I have had from the officers,
and many bottle! I have sold ; may you be able to get something
fin- it tn repay you for your kindnei - to the pour soldier!" That
dirty piece of paper was tin' recipe for the renowned Day ami Mar-
tin- blacking; ami that hairdresser was the late wealthy Mr. Day,
whose manufactory is one of tic ornaments of London, and whose
palace in Eteg< ut's Park rivalled in magnificence the mansions of
the nobility.
FUN AND AMUSEMENT. '
Curran and Chancellor Clare— Lord Chancellor Clare,
on one occasion, while Curran was addressing him in a mostim-
portant case, occupied himself with a favourite spaniel, or New-
foundland dog, seated by him ; and all the world will remember
the rebuke administered to him by that rarely-gifted man. Cur-
ran having ceased speaking, through indignation, or malice pre-
pense, Lord Clare, raised his head, and asked : " Why don't you
proceed, Mr. Curran?" " I thought your lordships were in consul-
tation," replied Curran.
The following epitaph is by Moore, on an attorney named Shaw.
Here lies John Shaw,
Attorney at Law,
And when he died,
The devil cried,
" Give us your paw,
John Shaw,
Attorney at Law !" — Russell's Life of Moore.
THE TALL GENTLEMAN'S APOLOGY.
Upbraid me not; — I never swore eternal love to thee,
For thou art only five feet high, and I am six feet three ;
1 wonder, dear, how you supposed that I could look so low,
There's many a one can tie a knot, who cannot fix a beau.
Besides you must confess, my love, the bargain scarcely fair,
For never could we make a match, altho' we made a pair ;
Marriage, I know, makes one of two ; but here's the horrid bore,
My friends declare, if you are one, that I at least am four.
'Tis true the moralists have said, that Love has got no eyes,
But why should all my sighs be heaved for one who has no size?
And on oar wedding-day, I'm sure I'd leave you in the lurch,
For you never saw a steeple, dear, in the inside of a church.
'Tis usual for a wife to take her husband by the arm,
But pray excuse me should I hint a sort of fond alarm,
That when I offered you my arm, that happiness to beg,
Your highest effort, dear, would he to take me by the leg.
I do admit I wear a glass, because my sight's not good,
But were I always quizzing you, it might be counted rude:
And tho' I use a concave lens, — by all the gods ! I hope
My wife will ne'er look up to me through a Herschel's telescope.
8 THE BOOK OF
Then fare thee well, my gentle one ! 1 ask no parting kiss,
I must not break my back to gain so exquisite a bliss ;
Nor will I weep lest I should hurt so delicate a flower, —
The tears that fall from such a height, would be a thunder-shower.
Farewell ! and pray don't drown yourself in a bason or a tub
For that would be a sore disgrace to all the Six-Feet Club ;
But if you ever love again, love on a smaller plan,
For why extend to six feet three, a life that's but a span !
Height of Gallantry. — At the late " fair for the blind," in
Boston, a sailor was strolling past a table kept by a most lovely
woman. Jack stopped, looked for a moment in breathless admi-
ration, then took a ten-dollar note from his pocket, laid it on the
table, and was passing on. "My good friend," said the lady,
" won't you take something for your money ?" " I thank you, ma-
dam," replied the tar, with another shy look ; " I've had more than
my money's worth already."
A YANKEE PREACHER'S NOTICE.
" I beg the audience to be seated a moment. Rumour has come
to my ears that a large quid of tobacco was dropped into the Con-
tribution Box last Sabbath. The man who committed that out-
rage would do well to pause in his career. He is sliding down a
greased plank to perdition. To-night there will be preaching
in most of the churches. — The Public Gardens, I am desired to
{jive notice, are also open. On Tuesday night there will be ;i fire,
Providence permitting On Thursday Evening the gates of the
Battery will he thrown open for all strollers and ardent lovers. —
There will be a distracted Meeting held at Tammany Hall, on
Saturday Evening, to commence at early candle lighting. Ad-
mission gratis; on going out, one shilling will he received by the
keeper at the door for the benefit of the .Manual Labour Society
for the education ol indolent young men fir the A. 1>. F. Mission
at Nootka Sound. 1 would observe, that one Millar is preach-
ing up the doctrine that the world is to lie destroyed in 1854, but
don't yon believe it The earth is just as good as new, and will
last for 100 years, at the least calculation. Those persons who
are in tin; habit of coming late to church, taking advantage of the
proverb, " Better late than never," would confers particular favour
upon me, and the audience generally, if they would wear pumps
The clanking of the iron- heeled boots does not accord with the place,
nod it also disturbs those who may be taking a comfortable snooze
FTJN AND AMUSEMENT. 9
at the time. My friends are particularly requested not to bang
round the door after the service is over, as it not only gives the house
the appearance of a Grog Shop, hut it is extremely annoying to
many ladies. It will he proper here for me to state that a part
of the receipts arising from the circulation of the Saturday Morn-
ing Mercury, in which my Sermons are printed, are appropriated
to my benefit; and I wish you all to patronize that interesting
little paper for my sake, and your own especial good.
SYMPATHY.
A KNIGHT and a lady once met in a grove,
"While each was in quest of a fugitive love ;
A river ran mournfully murmuring- by,
And they wept in its waters for sympathy.
" never was knight such a sorrow that bore !" —
" never w;is maid so deserted before !" —
" From life and its woes let us instantly fly,
And jump in together for company !" —
They searched for an eddy that suited the deed —
But here was a bramble, and there was a weed ;
" How tiresome it is," said the fair, with a sigh ;
So they sat down to rest them in company.
They gazed on each other, the maid and the knight ;
How fair was her form, and how goodly his height ;
" One mournful embrace !" sobb'd the youth, " ere we die !"
So kissing and crying kept company.
41 had I but loved such an angel as you !" —
" had but my swain been a quarter as true !" —
44 To miss such perfection how blinded was I !" —
Sure now they were excellent company !
At length spoke the lass, 'twixt a smile and a tear —
" The weather is cold for a watery bier ;
When summer returns we may easily die —
Till then let us sorrow in company."
Classical CoilS. — How would you address an avaricious man?
Ah miser — Hor. How would a Cockney describe a young man
who studies in the evening? Intent at a nites — lion. To avoid
an act of offence? Elude t — Teb. Lucinda is told to welcome her
brothers ; Cum Luce salul'm. — Mart. A thing is mislaid ? No-
tandi— Hor. Slang for a bow. A dig at me — Via.
10 THE BOOK OF
Awkward Candour.—" What are you about, my dear?" said
his grandmother to a little boy who was sidling about the room
and casting furtive glances at a gentleman who was paying a visit.
" I am trying, grandmamma, to steel papa's hat out of the room,
without letting that gentleman see it ; for papa wants him to think
that he is out."
A COMPARISON.
Man is the rugged lofty pine,
Who frowns on many a wave-beat shore ;
Woman's the slender graceful vine,
Whose curling tendrils round it twine,
And deck its rough bark sweetly o'er.
Man's the rock whose towering crest,
Frowns o'er the mountain's barren side ;
Woman's the soft and mossy vest,
That loves to clasp his sterile breast,
And deck his brow with verdant pride.
Man is the cloud of coming storm,
Dark as the raven's murky plume,
Save where the sunbeam bright and warm,
Of woman's soul, and woman's form,
Gleams sweetly o'er the gathering gloom.
Yes, lovely sex ! to you 'tis given,
To rule our hearts with angel's sway, —
Blend with each woe a blissful leaven
Change earth into an embryo heaven,
And gently smile our cares away !
A correspondent of the Dublin Warder, writing upon the budget,
says with much candour: — "As for myself, 1 was born with a dis-
taste for taxes; ami my grandmother— the heavens be her lied! —
used often to tell the story, how I settled a crooked piu in the chair
that I expected Dunlop, the hearth money collector, to sit down
in ; ami if it didn't take a lively ho]) out o' the same man, when lie
dhropt down on it witli a mingled air o weariness and dogin-oliice
assurance, it's a quare thing, 1 wasn't six months in corduroys
at the time, and I only wonder 1 didn't gel a piece o' plate from
some of the family's old acquaintances, they bit so pleased at tins
early development of the organ of passive resistance."
FUN AND AMUSEMENT. 11
Gi veh imb utro peen oug han dhe' llha nghi mse If.
AN EFFEC TUAL CURE FOR LOVE.
Recommended to the attention of M
By a Member of the Humane Society. — J. Ketch Esq. President.
The one end of a rope fasten over a beam,
And make a slip noose at the other extreme ;
Then just underneath let a cricket be set,
On which let the lover most manfully get :
Then over his head the snecket be got,
And under one ear be well settled the knot ;
The cricket kick'd down, let him take a fair swing,
And leave all the rest of the work to the string.
Heth atli cksh one yfro mtbo rasp ayst oode arf orit
AN ANATHEMA.
Jean Paul Richter having observed that a Lady officer, if she
wanted to give the word " halt," would do it in this train ; — " You
soldiers, all of you, now mind, I order you, as soon as I have fin-
ished speaking, to stand still, every one of you, on the spot where
you happen to be, don't you hear me ? Halt, I say, all of you."
Upon this a strong-minded woman, in an American paper, makes
the following comment: — " Now, Monsieur Jean, it was an un-
lucky day you wrote that sentence. May you never hear anything
but that little concise word, ' No,* from every rosy lip you meet.
May you ' halt' wifeless through life ; may your buttons be snap-
pish, your strings knotty, and your stockings full of holes. May
your boot-jack be missing, your feet corned, your shaving water be
cold, your razor dull, your hair stand up, and your collar lie down ;
may your beard be porcupiny, your whiskers thinly settled, and
your moustaches curl the wrong way ; may your coffee be muddy,
your toast smooky, and your tea water bewitched. And with a
never dying desire for affection, may you crawl through creation
a weak, miserable, nasty, folorn, fidgetty, fussy, ridiculous, ruined,
dejected, ragged old bachelor. Amen."
" Here you little rascal, walk up and give an account of your-
self. Where have you been ?" — " After the girls, father." — " After
the girls ! Did you ever know me to do so when I was a boy ?"
" No, sir, but mother did."
12 THE BOOK OP
A PRACTICAL JOKE.
The only practical joke in which Mr. Barnaul was ever person-
ally engaged was as a boy at Canterbury, when, with a schoolfellow,
now a gallant major "lamed for deeds of arms," he entered a
Quakers' meeting-house; and, looking around at the grave assem-
bly, the latter held up a penny tart, and said, solemnly, " Whoever
speaks first shall have this pie." " Go thy way (answered a drab-
coloured gentleman, rising) — go thy way and .'' " The pie's
yours, sir,'' exclaimed Barham, and placing it before the astonish-
ed speaker, he hastily effected his escape.
BUSINESS AND RELIGION.
A layman in Providence, who occasionally exhorted at evening
meetings, thus explained his belief in the existence of a Deity :
" Brethren, I am just as confident that there is a Supreme Being,
as I am that there is flour in Alexandria : and that I know for
certain, as 1 yesterday received from there a lot of three hundred
barrels of fresh superfine, which I will sell as low as any other per-
son in town."
THE HASTINGS MILKMAN.
Jinks, the Hastings milkman, one morning forgot to water his
milk. In the hall of the first customer in his round, the sad
omission, Bashed upon Jink's wounded feelings. A large tub of
fine char water stood on the floor by his side, no eve was upon him,
and thrice did Jinks dilute his milk with a large measure tilled
from the tub, before the maid brought up her jugs. Jinks served
her, and went on. While he was bellowing down the next area,
his first customer's footman beckoned to him from the door. Jinks
returned and was immediately ushered into the library. There sat
my lord, who had JUSI tasted the milk. "Jinks; - said his lord-
ship, " My lord!" replied Jinks. "Jinks," COUl unci his lordship,
"I should feel particularly obliged if you would henceforth bring
me the milk and water separately, ami allow me the favour of mix-
ing them myself." " Well, my lord, it'fi Useless to deny the thing,
i • > i- I .suppose your lordship watched me while " "No," in-
terrupted the nobleman ; 'â– the fad is, that my children bathe at
home, Jinks, and the tub in the hall was full ol sea water, Jinks.''
FUN AND AMUSEMENT. 13
JUVENILE PRECOCITY.
Boys are nearly an extinct race. There is scarcely an interme-
diate stage between childhood and desperadoism. The rowdy in-
fant is no sooner out of his long clothes than he exhibits the incip-
ient traits of the dandy " loafer," and by the time he is fairly jack-
eted he wants a tobacco-pouch, a pack of cards, and learns to
swear like a pirate. At the age often he begins to run with the
" viasheen,'' and his mother generally knows he is out, because he
is very seldom in. At the age of twelve he smokes, drinks, and
speaks of his parents as " the old man and old woman." At fif-
teen he wants a gold watch and revolver, and talks about " lam-
ming" every body that don't keep out of his way. At eighteen he
is the " fastest" youth about town, talks of setting up lor himself,
scribbles love-letters, and becomes a perfect adept in games of
chance; can drink more champagne and eat more raw oysters
than any man of his inches. About this time, his father withholds
his speriding-money, and the young hopeful thinks it a capital
idea to run away where he can enjoy his " liberty ;" and after sow-
ing Ins " wild oats" abroad, returns home, satisfied that the " old
folks" are not such great fools after all. — Oswego Journal.
A FRIGHTFUL CONTINGENCY.
A farmer from the neighbourhood of Galston took his wife to
see the wonders of the microscope, which happened to be exhibit-
ing in Kilmarnock. The various curiosities seemed to please the
good woman very well, till the animalcula? contained in a drop of
water came to be shown off. These seemed to poor Janet not so
very pleasant a sight as the others. She sat patiently, however,
till the " water timers," magnified to the size of twelve feet, appeared
on the sheet, fighting with their usual ferocity. Janet now rose
in great trepidation, and cried to her husband, " For gudesake,
come awa, John." " Sit still, woman," said John, " and see the
show." " See the show ! — gude keep us a'man, what wad come o'
us if the awfu'-like brutes wad break oot 'o the water ?"
Shaking Hands at a Duel.— At a recent duel near Vicks-
burgh, the parties discharged their pistols without effect, where-
upon one of the seconds interfered and proposed that the comba-
tants should shake hands. To this the other second objected as
unnecessary. " Their hands," said he, " have been shaking this
half-hour."
14 THE BOOK OP
A MAN WITHOUT MONEZ
A man without money is a body without a soul — a walking
death— a spectre that frightens every one. His countenance
is sorrowful, and his conversation languishing and tedious.
If he calls upon an acquaintance he never finds him at home,
and if he opens his mouth to speak, he is interrupted every
moment, so that he may not have a chance to finish his dis-
course, whi?h, it is feared, will end with asking for money.
He is avoided like a person infected with disease, and is re-
garded as an incumbrance to the earth. Want wakes him
up in the morning, and misery accompanies him to his bed
at night. The ladies discover that he is an awkward booby
— landlords believe that he lives upon air, and if he wants
any thing from a tradesman, he is asked for cash before
delivery.
Sir "Walter Raleigh, when on a visit at the country-house
of a nobleman, overheard, early in the morning, the lady of
the house inquiring whether the pis;s had had their breakfast.
When she came down stairs, Sir Walter, after the first com-
pliments, jocosely asked her, whether the pigs had breakfasted.
No, replied the lady, not all of them, for you have not had
yours yet.
SAM SLICK'S
DESCRIPTION OF A TEE-TOTALLER.
I once travelled through all the States of Maine with one
of them ar chaps. He was as thin as a whippin post. His
skin looked like a blown bladder after some of the air has
leaked out, kinder wrinkled and rumpled like, and his eye as
dim as a lamp that's livin on a short allowance of ile. He put
me in mind of a pair of kitchen tongs, all legs, shaft, and head,
and no belly : real gander-gutted lookin critter, as hollor as a
bamboo walking cane, and twice as yaller. He actilly looked
as if he had been picked off a rack at sea, and dragged through
a gimlet hole. He was a lawyer. Thinks I, Lor a massy on
your clients, you mawky, half-starved, hungry looking critter
you ; you'll eat 'em up alive as sure as I'm born. You are
just tlic chap to st rain at a gnat and swallow a camel, tank,
shank, aud Hank, all at a gulp.
FUN AND AMUSEMENT. 15
DEATHS OF KINGS.
William the Conqueror died from enormous fat, from drink, and
from the violence of his passions.
William Enf'us died the death of those poor stags that he hunted.
Henry the First died of gluttony, having eaten too much of a
dish of lampreys.
Stephen died in a few days of what was called iliac passion,
which we may suppose may be a Royal word for prussic acid, or
something like it.
Henry the Second died of a broken heart, occasioned by the
bad conduct of his children. A broken heart is a very odd com-
plaint for a monarch to die of. Perhaps " ratsbane in his por-
ridge" meant the same thing as a broken heart.
Richard Cceur de Lion died, like the animal from which his
heart was named, by an arrow from an archer.
John died nobody knows how, but, it is said, of chagrin, which
we suppose is another term for a dose of hellebore.
Henry the Third is said to have died a " natural death," which
with kings and in palaces, means the most unnatural death by
which a mortal can shuttle off this " mortal coil."
Edward the First is likewise said to have died of a " natural
sickness," which it would puzzle all the Colleges of Physicians to
denominate.
Edward the Second was most barbarously, indecently murdered,
by ruffians employed by his own mother and her paramour.
Edward the Third died of dotage, and Eichard the Second of
starvation, the very reverse of George the Fourth.
Henry the Fourth is said to have died of fits caused by uneasi-
ness, and uneasiness in palaces, at those times, was a very com-
mon complaint.
Henry the Fifth is said to have died " of a painful affliction pre-
maturely." This is a courtly phrase for getting rid of a king.
Henry the Sixth died in prison, by means known then onlv to
his gaoler, and known only by Heaven.
Edward the Fifth was strangled in the Tower by his uncle Rich-
ard the Third, whom Hume declares to have possessed every qual-
ity for government. This Eichard the Third was killed in a battle ;
fairly, of course, for all kings were either killed fairly, or died na-
turally, according to the court circulars of those days.
Henry the Seventh wasted away, as a miser ought to do, and
Henry the Eighth died of carbuncles, fat, and fury, while Edward
the Sixth died of a decline.
Queen Mary is said to have died of "a broken heart," whereas
16 THE BOOK OP
she died of a surfeit from eating too much black -puddiugs, het
sanguinary nature being prone to blood of any sort.
Old Queen Bess is said to have died of melancholy from having
sacrificed Essex to his enemies.
James the First died from drinking and the effects of a name-
less vice.
Charles the First died a " righteous" death on the scaffold, and
Charles the Second died suddenly it is said of apoplexy.
William the Third died from a consumptive habit of the body
and from the stumbling of his horse.
Queen Ann died from her attachment to " strong water," or, in
other words, from drunkenness, which the physicians politely call-
ed the dropsy.
George the First died of drunkenness, which his physicians as
politely called an apoplectic fit.
George the Second died of a rupture of the heart, which the pe-
riodicals of the day termed a visitation of God.
George the Third died as he had lived — a madman. Through-
out life he was at least a consistent monarch.
George the Fourth died of gluttony and drunkenness.
William the Fourth died amidst the sympathies of his subjects
American Paper.
Inquiring Boy. — " Father, it speaks here about illuminated
manuscripts. What were they lighted with ?" The father hesita-
ted, and when the question was repeated, answered desperately,
" With the light of other days, my son !"
One Scotchman complained that he had got a ringing in his
head. " Do you ken the reason of that ?" asked his worthy crony.
"No." " I'll tell you — it's because it's empty." "And have ye
never a ringing in your head f" " No, never." " And do ye ken
the reason ? — it's because it's crackit."
When the late Lord Erskine, then going the circuit, was asked
by his landlord how he had slept, he replied," Union is strength— a
fact of which your inmates seem to lie unaware : fur, had the fleas
been unanimous last night, they might have pushed me out of bed."
M Fleas!" exclamed Boniface, affecting great astonishment," 1 was
not aware that 1 had a single one in the house." " I don't believe
you have," retorted his Lordship, " they are all married, and have
uncommonly large lamilies!"
FUN AND AMCSEMENT. 17
An Irishman having arrived from Dublin at the house of a
respectable merchant in the borough, and having left Ireland
Ihree weeks before, brought with him a basket of eggs; his
friend asked him why he took the trouble to bring eggs from
Ireland to England? "Because," said he, " I am fond of
them new laid, and I knew these to be so."
THE ROBBER ROBB'D.
A certain priest had hoarded up
A mass of secret gold ;
And where he might bestow it safe,
He knew not to behold.
At last it came into his thoughts
To lock it in a chest,
Within the chancel ; and he wrote
Thereon, Hie Deus est.
A merry grig, whose greedy mind
Did long for such a prey,
.Respecting not the sacred words
That on the casket lay.
Took out the gold ; and blotting out
The priest's inscript thereon,
Wrote, Resurrexit, non est hie ;
Your god is rose and gone.
PROVERBS.
Bakein it neet macks doafy bread.
A full belly macks regs donee.
Scouldin wives macks drucken husbands.
Jest we a monkey an il bite ye if he can.
A red nose costs more keepin e repair then a brass rapper.
A man wethaght brass iz leetly look't on.
Before yo go tut draper's shop look twice in tut pantry,
Keep company we a sweep an yor sure to get dab'd we sooit.
A wise man on hiz head iz better than a food on hiz legs,
Its better ta be lame it heel then it head.
A lazy tellow, named Jack Hole, living near Covington Ken-
tucky, wants to throw Fonotype clear into the shade. lie mali sa
a big " J" and then jabs his pen through the paper for the " Hole."
B
18 THE BOOK OF
MISGIVINGS OE AN OLD BACHELOR.
Aged 30. Looked back through a vista of 10 years— remembered
that at 20 I looked upon a man of 30 as a middle aged man— won-
dered at my error and protracted the middle age to 40 — said to myself
" 40 is the age of wisdom" — reflected generally upon my past life —
wished myself 20 again, and exclaimed "if I were but 20 what a
scholar I could be by 30 ! but it's too late now" — looked in the glass —
still youthful but getting rather fat — Smellfungus says " A fool at 40
is a fool indeed" — 40 therefore must be the age of wisdom.
31. Read in the Morning Chronicle that a watchmaker in Paris
aged 31 had shot himself for love ! more fool the watchmaker — agreed
that nobody fell in love after 20— Quoted Sterne — The expression fall
in love, evidently shows love to be beneath a man— went to Drury
Lane — Saw Miss Incumpips in a side box — fell in love with her — re-
ceived her ultimatum — was three months making up my mind (a long
time for making up so small a parcel) when I learnt that she had eloped
with a title— pretended to be devilish glad — took three turns up and
down the library and looked in glass — getting rather fat and florid —
Met a friend in Gray's Inn who said I was evidently in rude health
— thought the compliment much ruder.
32. Passion for dancing rather on the decline — voted sitting out
play and farce, one of the impossibilities — still in stage box three
nights per week — sympathized with the public in their vexation at
my non-attendance the other three — can't please every body — began
to wonder at the pleasure of kicking one's heels on a chalked floor 'till
four in the morning — sold bay mare who reared at three carriages
and shook me out of the saddle — thought saddle making rather worse
than formerly — hair growing thin, bought a bottle of trocosian fluid
— mem. 'a flattering unction.'
33. Hair thinner — serious thoughts of a wig — met on old collegian
who wears one — devil in a bush — serious thoughts of letting it alone
— met a fellow Etonian in the Mall, who told me I wore well ! won-
dered what lie could mean — gave up cricket club on account of the
bad air about Paddington — could not run in without being out ot
breath.
34. Measured for a new coat— tailor proposed fresh measure, hint-
ed something about bulk — old measure too short — parchment shrinks
— shortened my morning ride to Hampstead ami Highgate, and won-
dered what people could sec at Hendon — determined never to marrj —
means dubious and expensive — counted eighteen bald heads in the
pit at the opera — so much the better — the more the merrier.
35. Tried on an old great coat mid found it an old little one — cloth
shrinks as well as parchment— red lace in putting on shoes, bought a
shoe horn — Remember quizzing uncle George tin- using one — then
young and foolish — brother Charles's wife lay-in of her eighth child !
ervedhim right for marrying so young as SI — age of discretion
TUN AND AMUSEMENT. 19
too ! — hunting belta for gentlemen hung 1 up in glovers' windows — long-
ed to buy one but saw two ladies in shop cheapening elastic ties — three
grey hairs in eye-brows.
36. Several grey hairs in whiskers — all owing to carelessness in
manufacturing shaving soap — remember thinking father an old man
at 36 — settled the point — men aged sooner in former days — laid blame
on flapped waistcoats and tie wigs — skaited on Serpentine — gout —
very foolish exercise, only fit for boys — gave skaits to Charles's eldest
boy.
37. Fell in love again — rather pleased to find myself not too old for
the passion — Emma only 19 — what then ? women require protectors —
day settled — devilishly frightened — too late to get off — luckily jilted,
Emma married cousin James one day before me — again determined
never to marry — turned off old tailor, and took to a new one in Bond
street — some of those fellows make a man look ten years younger —
not that that was the reason.
38. Stuck rather more to dinner parties- gave up country dancing
— money musk rather more fatiguing than formerly — fiddlers play too
quick — quadrilles stealing hither over the channel — thoughts of adding
to " grown gentlemen taught to dance" — a friend dubbed me one of
the over-growns — very impertinent and utterly untrue.
39. Quadrilles rising — wondered sober mistresses of families would
allow their carpets to be beat after that fashion. Dinner parties in-
creasing — found myself gradually tontineing it towards the top of the
table — dreaded ultima thute of Hostesses elbow — good place for cutting
turkeys — bad for cutting jokes — wondered why I was always desired
to walk up — met two school-fellows at Pimlico — both fat and red-faced
— used to say at school they were both of my age — what lies boys tell !
40. Looked back ten years — remember at thirty thinking forty a
middle aged man— must have meant fifty. Fifty certainly the age of
wisdom — determined to be wise in ten years — wished to learn music
and Italian. Tried logics — 'twould not do — no defect in capacity —
but those thing's should be learnt in childhood.
41. New furnished chambers — looked in new glass — chin still dou-
ble — art of glass making on the decline — sold my horse, and wondered
people could find any pleasure in being bumped— what were legs made
for ?
42. Gout again — that disease certainly attacks young people more
than formerly — caught myself at a rubber of whist, and blushed — tried
my hand at original composition, and found a hankering after epigram
and satire — wondered I could never write love sonnets — imitated Ho-
race's Ode, Ne sit Anulta — did'nt mean any thing serious — thought
Susan certainly civil and attentive.
43. Bought a hunting belt— braced myself 'till ready to burst-
corpulency not. to be trifled with — threw it aside— young men, now a
day, are much too small in the waist— read in the Morning Post— "A
never failing specific" — bought it— never the thinner though much the
thicker.
20 THE BOOK OV
44. Met Fanny Stapylton, (now Mrs. Meadows,) at Bullock's
Museum — twenty-five years ago wanted to marry her — what an
escape ! — women certainly age much sooner than men — Charles's eld-
est son begins to think himself a man — starched cravat and a cane ! —
what presumption — at his years I was a child — suppose he will soon
be thinking of a wife — hinted my apprehension to brother Charles, but
did'nt like his knowing look when he asked what benefit I had derived
from prudent delay — thought of his eight children, but spared his
feelings.
45 A few wrinkles about the eyes, commonly termed crows' feet —
must have caught cold— began to talk politics, and shirk the drawing
room — eulogized Garrick — saw nothing in Kean — talked of Lord North
— wondered at the licentiousness of the modern press — why can't peo-
ple be civil, like Junius and John Wilkes, in the good old times?
4G. Rather on the decline, hut still handsome and interesting —
growing dislike to the company of young men — all of them talk too
much or too little — began to call chambermaids at inns " my dear " —
listened to a homily from a married friend, about family expenses —
price of bread, and butcher's meat — did'nt care a jot if bread was a
shilling a roll, and meat fifty pounds a calf — hugged myself in " sin-
gle blessedness" — and wished him good morning.
47. Top of head quite bald— pleaded Lord Grey in justification —
shook it on reflecting I was but three years removed from the age of
wisdom — teeth sound, but not so white as heretofore — something the
matter with the dentifrice — began to be cautious in chronology — bad
thing to remember too far back — had serious thoughts of not remember-
ing Miss Farrer.
48. Quite settled not to remember Miss Farrer — told Laura Willis
that Palmer, (who died when 1 was nineteen,) certainly did not look
forty-three.
49. Resolved never to marry for any thing but money or rank.
50. Age of wisdom — married my cook ! It would be tedious to pur-
ine them beyond this critical period. May this brief chronicle of my
dear bought experience prove abundantly useful.
Extraordinary Dispatch. — The editor of an American pa-
per, in describing the rapid sale of his journal, assures those who
choose to believe him that it goes off like greased lightning.
Booth, the tragedian, had the misfortune to have his nose bro-
ken by Tom Flynn, some years since. A lady once said to him,
" I like your acting and beautiful reading, .Mr. Booth ; but I can-
not gel over your nose." " No wonder, madam,'' replied he, "the
bridge is gone '"
FUN AND AMUSEMENT. 21
BOOTS versus STOCKINGS.
A commercial gentleman going into the Traveller's room at one
of the inns at Barnsley, inquired for the boots. In a few minutes
a shrimp of a lad presented himself. " Well,'' said the traveller,
" are you the boots ?" The youth, supposing, no doubt, that the
gentleman was up to sport, replied, "No, I'm the stockings, Sur."
The traveller, not exactly pleased with the answer, asked him
what he meant by such a reply? " Wha," repeated the boy, in a
sort of simple laugh, "I'm the stockings, Sur." "Stockings,
what do you mean by stockings, you impertinent snapper, you ?"
" Wha, Sur," said the boy, with an unaltered countenance, " a'm
under booils, so ha must be stockings, Sur." The gentleman
turned round to the window, and laughed heartily, and the rogue
of a lad walked gravely away.
RIDDLE.
A word by grammarians used in our tongue,
Of such a construction is seen,
That if from rive syllables you take away one,
No syllable then will remain.
^ X S X _
TO KEEP AWAY CREDITORS.
Creditors are a species of parasite, infesting the human race,
and usually brought on by luxurious living. Persons who are
troubled with them may free themselves by the Bankrupt treat-
ment ; but this always leaves an unpleasant irritation behind, and
spots that are never wholly effaced. Take water instead of beer,
or beer instead of wine and spirits ; toss the cigar-case into the
lire-place ; eat mutton instead of venison, and mutton broth instead
of turtle soup ; if needs be, clean your own boots and shoes, and
brush your own clothes. Employ time profitably. Never borrow,
seldom lend. Avoid betting and gaming. Keep regular accounts,
and examine your position from day to day, determining to eat
nothing that is unpaid for, nor to allow your tailor or dressmaker to
say that your garments are not your own. By this process you
will soon get rid of the annoyance, and your mental and bodily
health will wonderfully improve.
Very Witty. — Burke remarked, " Strip majesty of its exteriors
(the first aud last letters,) and it becomes a jest."
22 THE BOOK OP
Lov ean dpr ides to ckbe dlam.
A CUEElM LOYE!
Recommended to the attention of M
By a Member of the R. C. S., for the cure of Mental Aberrations.
Take an ounce of sense, a grain of prudence, a dram of understanding, an
ounce of patience, a pound of resolution, and a handful of dislike ; mix them all
together, fold them up in your heart for twenty-four hours, set them on the slow
fire of hatred, then steam them clear from the dregs of melancholy, sweeten
them with forge/fulness, put them in the bottle of your heart, stopping them
down with the cork of sound judgment, and let them stand fourteen days in
the water of cod affection. This recipe, lightly made, and properly applied,
was never known to fail. The ingredients may be obtained at the House of
Understanding, in Constancy, by going up the hill of Self-denial, in the
Town of Furgetfulness, and in the County of Love-no-more.
CThow edser ehe bewi sesba lldie er efreth rives.
LXTTER-ARY CHARACTER.
One day, as a boy was gathering horse litter, on the new road
leading from Halifax to Bradford, a gentleman who was walking
slowly by, asked, " Where does this road go to, my hoy ?" " Go to,"
said the lad, " ha doant naw at it goaze onny were, for its alias
here wen ime getheriug muck." The gentleman gave the lad six-
pence for his wit.
Tom Treddlehoyle's
Description of Crispin Cannon-noaze, of Bairnsla.
This excentrick looking character wor born withaght ears; hi/
noaze wor sou long, he wor foarst ta wank it middle at street, an
hav a little lad ta goa before it ta keep foaks through nuinin agean
it; he could smell a red lierrin three miles oil". Once, when id
gotten a bad coud, he brack fifty squares a glass an split a wattar
barril we sneezin ; an for fear a doin owt at soart agean, he whent
and liv'd at aghtside at taane, an gat a livin be gettin nuts, cher-
rys, an pillint bark of a oak trees we hi/, noaze; when he deed
thay wor foarst to mack a spaght to put hiz noa/.e in, but wot wor
more singular then that, t'saxton diddant dig hi/, grave deep enuf,
ami thear hiz beak stuck aght at graand ivver solar; haiver, it
CUm in useful, for*t parson nut a sun dial at top on it for't good at
inhabitants. — 1070
To make Leeches Bite.— Ifl he leech will not bite, bind him
apprentice to a broker lor a week, ami Ins teeth will become so
sharp that he will bite through the bottom of a brass kettle.
FUN AND AMUSEMENT. 23
CLERICAL WIT
The facetious Watty Morrison, as he was commonly called, was
entreating the commanding officer of a regiment, at Fort George,
to pardon a poor fellow sent to the halberds. The officer granted
his petition, on condition that Mr. Morrison should accord with
the first favour he asked ; the favour was to perform the ceremony
of baptism for a young puppy. A merry party of gentlemen were
invited to the christening. Mr. Morrison desired Major to
hold up the dog. " As I am a minister of the Kirk of Scotland,"
said Mr. Morrison, " I must proceed accordingly." Major
said he asked no more. " Well then, Major, I begin with the usual
question, "you acknowledge yourself the father of this puppy"
The Major understood the joke, and threw away the animal. Thus
did Mr. Morrison turn the laugh against the ensnarer, who inten-
ded to deride a sacred ordinance. — On another occasion, a young
officer scoffed at the parade of study to which Clergymen assigned
their right to remuneration for labour, and he offered to take a bet,
he would preach half an hour upon any verse or section of a verse
in the Old or New Testament. Mr. Morrison took the bet, and
pointed out, " And the Ass opened his mouth, and he spoke." The
officer declined employing his eloquence on that text. Mr. Mor-
rison won the wager, and silenced the scorner.
Old Bachelors.— At the ladies' celebration of the 4th July, at
Bane, Massachusets, there were nine hundred of the fairest por-
tions of creation present. Among the toasts were — " Old Bachel-
ors ! may they lie alone in a bed of nettles, sit alone on a wooden
stool, eat alone on a wooden trencher, and be their own kitchen
maids!" " Industry of the young ladies of Barre, who always want
to be engaged." " The old bachelor, like the thorn hedge, neither
blossoms nor fruits to render it useful or ornamental, but is a
scourge to all creatures." " Matrimony, the truth and essence
of life." " Love at home, utility abroad, and consistency at all
times, and in all conditions."
Noses in Danger. — The 'Washington Metropolitan' announ-
ces the following curious fact: — "The new Russian minister to
the United States, is called Somonosoff (saw my nose off). An
attache of the same legation in Washington, Blowmanozorf (blow
my nose off); besides which we have Culonel Kutmanozof (cut my
nose off), of the Imperial Guard ; Marshall Pollmanosoff (pull my
nose off), General Nozebegon (nose begon), and many others."
24 THE BOOK OF
FLATTERY.
Gentlemen make themselves exceedingly ridiculous by the ab-
surd flattery with which they attempt to win the ladies, and some-
times they meet their match. " Dear me, Miss Brightside, what
an exquisitely fine contralto voice you have ! Pon my honour, I
never remember a professional to have sung with half such refine-
ment of feeling and fulness of power." " Indeed, sir." " Yes, oh,
yes! it's true, I assure you ; and in dancing, nobody equals you.
You dance like an angel !" " I should scarcely suppose that you
had been privileged to see angels dance, Mr. Mopstick." " Oh,
yes ! ha ! Are not all women angels, my pretty one ? Of course
they are, there's no denying it. It is they that make the world
the paradise it is, of course it is : don't you think so, Miss Bright-
side ?" " I have never thought much about it, sir.'' " Ah, my
pretty one, that's your modesty, of course it is ! And what a love-
ly Spanish head you've got ! small as a cocoa-nut. That's beauty,
don't you know, true beauty. And those eyes ! I've never seen
such eyes as yours, never. They are so large and languishing.
Tell me now, pray, is your sight at all weak ? I have heard that
such large eyes become weak from excess of light." " I think I
could distinguish a goose from among a flock of other birds, Mr.
Mopstick." " Oh ! ha ! ha ! ha ! good ! By the way, who's that
muff of a fellow across the way there, watching you and me? it's
like his impudence!" " That's my husband, sir, and at your
SERVICE
I'
Of folly, vice, disease, men proud we 6ee,
And (stranger still !) of blockheads' flattery,
Whose praise defames: as if a fool should mean
By spitting on your face, to make it clean.
YOUNG
American Love Letters— A young lady, about to sue for a
breach of promise, placed the love-letters she had received in a hag,
for the purpose of producing in court; when sad to relate, their
own natural warmth caused spontaneous combustion, and ashes
alone remained !
Love Defined. —The following dialogue between two negroes,
was overheard by a friend of ours in Philadelphia. " Cesar, wot
him call lub :'" •* Why, Massa Sip, inn like too much driukee;
inn tiiik ob young gal till um head go round like urn big wheel ;
den liiiu make old tool ob himself ''
FUN AND AMUSEMENT. 25
A Capital Preserve.— The production of this excellent dish
requires considerable time and patience, but it will amply repay
all the care bestowed upon it. Take equal parts of industry and
economy, and exercise them daily for a series of years. Take the
proceeds of industry as fast as they accumulate through the effect
of economy, and invest them partly in a Building Society, and
partly in a Life Policy, payable at death, or upon attaining a cer-
tain age. Let the surplus be devoted to the purchase of good
books, which will supply an intellectual store richer than the mere
" material." You may share your intellectual gains with your
neighbours, without becoming poorer thereby. For whilst you may
impart without loss, you are almost sure to receive something in
exchange, and thus your treasures will be increased even by your
generosity. When you have attained mature age, and you gather
the fruits of your labours, you will find yourself out of debt, in your
own house, and with a treasury of some hundreds of pounds to com-
fort your old age. Try this, and you will pronounce it a " cap-
ital preserve !"'
Cams Wilson of the West. — Among the lusus naturce of
the Western World is a man, who is described as being so remark-
ably tall, that he requires a ladder to shave himself! The same in-
dividual never troubles his servant to sit up for hiin when he is out
late at night, for he can, with the most perfect ease, put his arm
down the chimney and unbolt the street door.
" Whom did Barney buckle to ? he deserved a good wife." —
"Yes, and he did deserve it, but didn't get it; he's married to
the devil's own daughter sure." — Ay, ay ; well, its so, is it ? then
he's married into an old ancient family."
" Fellow sinners," said a preacher, " if you were told that by
going to the top of those stairs yonder (pointing to a ricketty pair
at one end of the church,) you might secure your eternal salvation,
I really believe hardly any of you would try it. But let any man
proclaim that there were a hundred sovereigns up there for you,
and I'll be bound there would be such a getting up stairs as you
never did see."
"Ma ! how is it, think you, that so many marriages take place
at the Church of the Rev. Mr. Carpenter?" — "La! girl, what a
question." — "Well, I think it's because being a carpenter, the
people naturally suppose him to be a good joiner."
26 THE BOOK OF
HOPE-BEFORE and AFTER MARRIAGE.
Boys and gals fall in love. The boy is all attentiou and devo-
tion, and the gal is all smiles, and airs, and graces, and pratty little
winnin' ways, and they bil and coo, and get married because they
hope. Well, what do they hope? Oh, they hope they will love all
the days of their lives, and they hope their lives will be ever so long,
just to love each other : it's a sweet thing to love. Well, they
hope a great deal more I guess. The boy hopes after he's mar-
ried his wife will smile as sweet as ever, and twice as often, and be
just as neat, and twice as neater, her hair lookin like part of the
head, so tight, so bright, and glossy, and parted on the top like a
little path in the forest. Poor fellow, he ain't spoony at all. Is
he ? And he hopes that her temper will be as gentle, and as meek,
and as mild as ever ; in fact, no temper at all — all amiability — an
angel in petticoats. Well, she hopes every minute he has to spare
he will fly to her on wings of love — legs ain't fast enough, and run-
inn' might hurt his lungs — but fly to her, and never leave her, but
bill and coo for ever, and will let her will be his law ; sartainly
won't want her to wait on him, but for him to 'tend on her, the de-
voted critter, like a heavenly-ministering white he-nigger. Well,
don't they hope they may get all this? And do they? Jest go into
any house you like, and the last two that talks is these has-been
lovers. His dress is ontidy, and he smokes a short black pipe (he
didn't even smoke a cigar before he married), and the ashes get on
his waistcoat ; but who cares ? it's only his wife to see it — and he
kinder guesses he sees wrinkles, where he never saw 'em afore, on
her stocking ankles ; and her shoes are a little, just a little, down
to heel ; and she comes down to breakfast, with her hair and dress
lookin' as if it was a little more neater, it would be a little more
better. Fie sits up late with old friends, and he lets her go to bed
alone ; and she cries, the angel ! but it's only because she has a
headache. The dashing young gentleman has got awful stingy
too, lately. He says housekeeepin' costs too much, rips out an ugly
word every now and then, she never heerd afore; but she hopes —
what does the poor dupe hope ? Why, she hopes he ain't swearin' !
but it sounds ama/in' like it — that's a fact. What is that ugly
word " dam," that he uses so often lately ? and she looks it out in
the dictionary, and she finds " dam " means the " mother of a colt."
Well, she hopes to be a mother herself, some day, poor critter! So
her hopes has ended in her lindin' a mares nest at last.
A Good One.— The ' Boston Post' says: — "The reason why
cream is so dear is, that milk is risen so high the cream can't reach
the top."
FUN AND AMUSEMENT.
27
George Robins Outdone— An auctioneer m Cincinnati has
outstripped the most inventive genius (this side the Atlantic) in
the art of puffing. He announces, in the 'Cincinnati Evening
Post,' that he has so much business, he has recently worn out two
hammers, and is now on the second end of the third !
"Mother, why does Pa' call you honey ?"—" Because, my
dear, he loves me."
" No, Ma', that isn't it."—" It isn't ! What is it then ?"
" I know." " Well, what is it, then ?"
"Why, its because you have so much comb in your head —
that's why."
" What on airth ails these 'ere shirt buttons, I wonder? Jest the
minnit I puts the needle through 'em to sew 'em on, they splits
and flies in tu bits."—" Why, Grandmother, them isn't buttons,
they's my peppermints, an' now you've been a spiling them."
Miss Dobbs says the first time a coat sleeve encircled her waist,
she seemed to be 'in a pavilion built of rainbows, the window-sills
of which were composed of iEolian harps.
The Cost of an Argument— Sheridan had been driving out
three or four hours in a hackney-coach, when seeing Richardson
pass, he hailed him and made him get in. He instantly tried to
introduce a topic upon which Richardson (who was the very soul
of disputativeness) always differed with him ; and, at last, affecting
to be mortified at R.'s arguments, " You really are too bad ; I
cannot bear to listen to such things ; I will not stay in the same
coach with you;" and accordingly got down and left him, Rich-
ardson hallooing out triumphantly after him, " Ah, you're beat,
you're beat;" nor was it till the heat of his victory had a little cool-
ed that he found out he was left in the lurch to pay for Sheridan's
three hours' coaching. — Moore s Diary.
What's in a Name?— "A goose, so far from being a foolish
bird, is a very wise one. A flock of geese saved Rome onst." — " I
shouldn't wonder," said Master Van, " for a flock of wild ones saved
Haive Island onst. They got overloaded with sleet and wet snow
and lighted on the clearin' one spring, and was caught there, and
actilly saved the folks from starvation." — " Well," says I, " out of
gratitude to these birds, the Italians erected a college for 'em ai
Rome and called it the ' Proper Gander' College."
28 THE BOOK OP
CROSSING OF PROVERBS,
FEOM AN OLD WORK
Prov. The more the merrier.
Cross. Not so ; one hand is enough in a purse.
P. He that runs fastest, gets most ground.
C. Not so ; for then footmen would get more ground than their
masters.
P. He runs far that never turns.
C. Not so ; he may hreak his neck in a short course
P. No man can call again yesterday.
C. Yes ; he may call till his heart ache, tho' it never come.
P. He that goes softly, goes safely.
C. Not among thieves.
P. Nothing hurts the stomach more than surfeiting.
C. Yes, lack of meat.
P. Nothing is hard to a willing mind.
C. Yes, to get money.
P. None so blind as they that will not see.
C. Yes, they that cannot see.
P. There is no creature so like a man as an ape.
C. Yes, a woman.
P. Nothing but is good for something.
C. Not so ; nothing is not good for auy thing.
P. Every thing hath an end.
C. Not so ; a ring hath none, for it is round.
P. Money is a great comfort.
C. Not when it brings a thief to the gallows.
P. The world is a long journey.
C. Not so ; the sun goes it every day.
P. It is a great way to the bottom of the sea.
C. Not so ; it is but a stone's cast
P. A friend is best found in adversity.
C. Not so ; for then there's none to be found.
P. The pride of the rich makes the labours of the poor.
C. No, the labours of the pour make the pride of the rich.
P. Virtue is a jewel of great price.
C. Not so ; for then the poor could not come by it.
The Best Investment. — Dr. Franklin, speaking of eduoation,
says: — " If a man empties his purse into his head, no man can
take it away from him. An investment of knowledge always pays
the best interest '
FUN AND AMUSEMENT. 29
Widows. — They arc the very deuce. There's nothing like 'em.
If they make up their mind to marry, it's done. I know one that
was terribly afraid of thunder and lightning, and every time a storm
came on she would run into Mr Smith's house (he was a widow-
er,) and clasp her little hands, and fly around, till the man was
half distracted for fear she would be killed, and the consequence
was, she was Mrs. John Smith, before three thunder storms rattled
over her head. Wasn't that diplomatic ?
Which is Preferable.— A prodigal starts with ten thousand
pounds, and dies worth nothing;; a miser starts with nothing, and
dies worth ten thousand pounds. It has been asked, which has
had the best of it ? 1 should presume the prodigal ; he has spent
a fortune — but the miser has only left one; he has lived rich, to
die poor ; the miser has lived poor to die rich ; and if the prodigal
quits life in debt to others, the miser quits it, still deeper in debt
to himself.
Nahant Nutmegs.— "Which way are you from, Mr. Slick,
this hitch?" "Why," says I," I've been away up south a speculating
in nutmegs." " 1 hope,'' says the Professor, "they were a good
article, the real, right down genuine thing." " No mistake," says
I, " no mistake, Professor: they were all prime, first chop ; but
why do you ax that ar question?" "Why," says he, "that eter-
nal scoundrel, that Captain John Allspice, of Nahant, he used to
trade to Charlestown, and he carried a cargo once there of fifty
barrels of nutmegs . well, he put a half-a-bushel of good ones into
each end of the barrel, and the rest he filled up with wooden ones,
so like the real thing, no soul could tell the difference until he bit
one with his teeth, and that he never thought of doing, until he
was first bit himself."
" Arrah, Teddy, and wasn't your name Teddy 0' Byrne before
you left ould Ireland ?'' " Sure it was, my darlint." " But, my
jewel, why then do you add s, and call it Teddy O'Byrnes now?"
" Why, you spalpeen ! haven't I been married since I kem to
Liverpool? and are you so ignorant of grammatics that you don't
know when one thing is added to another it becomes plural.''
In what colour is a secret best kept ? ln-violel.
SO THE BOOK OF
VALUE OE REFLECTION.
The ignorant have often given credit to the wise, for powers
that are permitted to none, merely because the wise have made a
proper use of those powers that are permitted to all. The little
Arabian tale of the dervise, shall be the comment of this proposi-
tion. A dervise was journeying alone in the desert, when two
merchants suddenly met him ; " You have lost a camel," said he,
to the merchants ; " indeed we have," they replied ; " was lie not
blind in his right eye? and lame in his left leg?" said the dervise ;
" he was," replied the merchants ; " had he not lost a front tooth ?"
said the dervise ; " he had," rejoined the merchants ; " and was he
not loaded with honey on one side, and wheat on the other ?"
" most certainly he was,'' they replied, " and as you have seen him
so lately, and marked him so particularly, you can in all proba-
bility, conduct us unto him." " My friends," said the dervise, " I
have never seen your camel, nor ever heard of him, but from you."
" A pretty story, truly," said the merchants, " but where are the
jewels which formed a part of his cargo." " I have neither seen
your camel, nor your jewels," repeated the dervise. On this they
seized his person, and forthwith hurried him before the cadi,
where, on the strictest search, nothing could be found upon him,
nor could any evidence whatever be adduced to convict him, either
of falsehood, or of theft. They were then about to proceed against
him as a sorcerer, when the dervise, with great calmness, thus ad-
dressed the court: " I have been much amused with your surprise,
and own that there has been some ground for your suspicions ;
but I have lived long, and alone; and I can find ample scope for
observation, even in a desert. I knew that I had crossed the track
of a camel that had strayed from its owner, because I saw no mark
of any human footstep on the same route; I knew that the ani-
mal was blind in one eye, because it had cropped the herbage
only on one side of its path ; and I perceived that it was lame in
one le,L, r , from the faint impression which that particular foot had
produced upon the sand ; I concluded that the animal had lost one
tooth, because wherever it had grazed, a small tuft of herbage was
left uninjured, in the centre of its bite. As to that which formed
the burthen of the beast, the busy ants informed me that it was
corn on the one side, and the clustering flies, that it was honey on
the other."
The Heart. — It is stated by some wiseacre that the heart 01 a
man weighs about nine ounces— that of a woman eight. As ago
increases, a man's heart <jrows heavier, and a woman's lighter, after
thirty. Some girls lose theirs altogether at sixteen.
FUN AND AMUSEMENT. 31
A CHARM FOR THE TOOTH ACHE.
A rustic, who lives at the village of Long Empsall, was distrac-
ted for several weeks, day and night, with the toothache ; every
thing, likely and unlikely, was resorted to to ease the pain, but all
proved of no avail ; his poor unfortunate cheek continued to swell
till it approached in size to a Dutch cheese. Some jokers in the
village, who had previously laid their heads together, went to Bil-
ly's house, and told him, or rather pretended to read to him from
an old book, that if he would rub his cheek with treacle, and then
put it against a laithe door, and press it as hard as he could for
half an hour, it would charm the tooth, and cause it to give over
aching. Poor Billy, who sat in an old arm chair, grinning on
the easy side of his unfortunate face, like a monkey chewing pep-
per-corns, readily consented, and away they went, Billy's mother
and all. Now, during all this manoeuvring, a roguish blacksmith,
unknown to any one but his associates, got secreted inside the
laith. He, Billy, according to the direction of his kind friends
outside, placed his cheek against the charming spot, viz. the laith
door, in which situation he was to repeat, for five minutes the
words, " Come, charmer, come an eaze me gum." This he had
scarcely chanted three times, when the blacksmith hit the door
where Billy had his cheek a tremendous blow with a sledge ham-
mer, sending poor Billy several yards on the ground flat on his
back, and before he could well get on his legs again, the roguish
charmers had all fled.
Use is Second Nature.— Major N , upon being asked
whether he was seriously injured when the St. Leonard steamer's
boiler exploded, replied, that he was so used to being blown up
by his wife that a mere steamer had no effect upon him.
There is an old lady in America who believes it to be Bible doc-
trine that " for seven years before the end of the world no children
are to be born ; and that gives her comfort : for, at every fresh birth
she hears of, she says to herself, ' Well ! the seven years, at least,
have not begun yet.' "
How many rods make a furlong? asked a father of his son, a
fast urchin, as he came home one night from school.
Well I don't know, was the reply, but I guess you'd think one
rod made an acher, if you got such a training as I did from old
vinegar-face this afternoon.
32 THE BOOK OT
BACHELORISM PORTRAYED.
Bachelor is derived from a Greek word meaning 1 foolish; from the
Latin word Baculus, a cudgel, for he richly deserves it. A useless
appendage of Society ; a poltroon, who would marry, but is intimidated
by i(s expense, want of variety, or his defectum naturam.
" Be fruitful and multiply, and replenish the earth." — Anti-Malthus
chap. i. ver. 28.
" I never cared a farthing- about getting- married until I attended an
Old Bachelor's last sickness and Funeral ! God grant that my last end
may not be like his ! Amen and Amen ! !" — A Repentant Bachelor.
HIS THERMOMETER.
Years.
10. Impatient palpitations towards the young ladies.
17. Blushing- and confusion in conversing- with them.
18. Confidence in conversing- with them much increased
19. Angry if treated by them as a boy.
20. Very conscious of his own charms and manliness.
21. A looking-glass in his room indispensable — to admire himself.
22. Great dandyism, and insufferable puppyism.
23. Thinks no woman good enough for him.
24. Caught unawares by the snares of Cupid
25. The connexion broken off, through self-conceit on his part.
26. Conducts himself with much superiority towards her.
27. Pays his addresses to another lady, not without hope of mortifying
the first.
28. Mortified and frantic at being refused. On the verge of suicide.
29. Rails against the fair sex in general.
30. Morose and out of humour in all conversations on matrimony.
31. Contemplates matrimony more under the influence of interest than
formerly.
32. Considers personal beauty in a wife not so indispensable as formerly.
33. Still maintains a high opinion of his own attractions as a husband.
34. Consequently has no idea, but he may still marry a Chicken.
35. Falls deeply and violently in love with one of SEVENTEEN.
30. " Au dernier desespoir," another refusal.
37. Indulges in every kind of dissipation.
38. Shuns the beBt part of the female sex.
39. Buffers much remorse and mortification in so doing.
40. A fresh budding of matrimonial ideas, — no spring shoots.
41. A nice young widow perplexes him. Ventures to address her
willi mixed sensations of love and interest. Interest prevails,
which causes much cautious reflection.
42. The widow dissatisfied witli his tardiness, caution, and frigidity,
jilts him, becoming as oautious as himself.
43. Travels to recover his consequent impaired health, and to regain
his accustomed animus.
FUN AND AMUSEMENT. 33
44. Affects to become every day more averse to the fair sex.
45. Delights more than ever to be in the company of such poltroons
as himself, whose heaven on earth is to talk about women, their
own feeble attempts at wedlock, their failures, their hopes, and
their mortifications.
46. Still fond of reading Sentimental poetry, and Sentimental tales.
Grieved even to weeping - , to find that gouty and nervous symp-
toms begin to appear.
47. Fears what may become of him when old and infirm, as he finds
himself now gradually less noticed by the feminine tribe.
48. Thinks living- alone quite irksome. Speech becomes rather impair-
ed for want of some one to talk to.
49. Resolves to have a prudent young woman as housekeeper and com-
panion.
50. A nervous affection about him, and frequent attacks of the gout.
Sees and feels the value of having a wife now. He teels so
helpless.
51. Much pleased with his own housekeeper as nurse. Begins to feel
some attachment to her.
52. His pride revolts at the idea of marrying- her, and is in great dis-
tress how to act.
53. Transported to excess with another chance. Proposes to a rich
old maid, who writes him, "Mind your own business, sir, and
prepare for your latter end."
54. In despair turns again to his housekeeper, who is more obliging
than ever, but professes great disinterestedness.
55. She begins to give him tangible proofs of her affection. Com-
pletely under her influence, she having pryed into all his af-
fairs. His pride still revolts, and makes him miserable.
56. Many painful thoughts about parting with her. Finds matters
have gone too far. Cannot arrange it.
57. She refuses to live any longer with him solo. Talks about her
honour being called in question.
58. Gouty, nervous, and billious to excess. Finds her utility now.
His pride is lowered.
59. Falls very iii. Calls her to his bedside. Begs pardon for his de-
lay. Promises to espouse her.
60. Grows rapidly worse, lias his will made in her favour, and makes
his exit.
Away from the earth, you useless fellow !
You'd no heart to wed when you were mellow !
Woe to the man that leads such a life!
Woe to the man that despises a wife I
HIS PORTRAIT.
The naturalists say these singular creatures
Are alike in their habits, their form, and their features,
The Benedicts think that their senses are small,
31 THE BOOK OF
"While women affirm " they have no sense at all ;
But are curious compounds of very hard stuff,
Inflexible, hard, and exceedingly tough !
The old ones have wigs, the young ones have hair,
And they curl it, and scent it, and friz it with care,
And turn it to dark, should it chance to be fair.
They are wanderers and ramblers, never at home ;
Making- sure of a welcome wherever they roam ;
And every one knows that the Bachelor's den
Is a room set apart for these singular men :
A nook in the clouds perhaps five feet by four,
Though sometimes, perchance, it may be rather more,
With sky-light or no light, ghosts, goblins, and gloom
And everywhere termed " the Bachelor's Room."
These creatures, they say, are not valued at all,
Except when the herd give a Bachelor's ball.
Then dress'd in their best, in their gold-broidered vest,
'Tis known of a fact, that they act with much tact ;
And they lisp out "How do?" and they coo, and they sue,
And they smile for awhile, their guests to beguile,
Condescending and bending, for fear of offending ;
Though inert, they exert to be pert and to flirt ;
And they turn, and they twist, and they e'en play at whist,
And they whirl, and they twirl, and they whisk, and are brisk
And they whiz, and they quiz, and they spy with their eye;
And they sigh as they fly.
For they meet to be sweet, and be fleet on their feet ;
Pattering, and flattering, and chattering;
Spluttering, and fluttering, and buttering;
Advancing, and glancing, and dancing, and prancing ;
And bumping, and jumping, and stumping, and thumping;
Sounding, and bounding, around and around ;
Sliding and gliding with minuet pace ;
Pirouetting and setting with infinite grace.
They like dashing and flashing, lashing and splashing,
And racing and chasing, paring and lacing ;
They are frittering, and glittering, gallant and gay
Yawning all morning, and lounging all day ;
Love living in London, life loitering away
At the Club and at Crockford's, the park and the play.
But when the Bachelor boy grows old,
And these butterfly days are past;
When threescore years their tale have tola,
lie then repents at last.
When he becomes an odd old man,
With no wanner friend than a warming pan !
lie is fidgetty, fretful, and frowsy — in line,
FUN AND AMUSEMENT. 35
Loves set/and his bed, and his dinner and wine;
And he rates and he prates, and reads the debates;
Abuses the world, and the won. en he hates ;
And is prosing, and dozing 1 and cozing' all day ,
And snoring-, and boring-, and roaring away;
And he's snuffy, and puffy, and huffy, and stuffy ;
And musty, and fusty, and rusty, and crusty ;
Sneezing, and wheezing, and tearing, and freezing :
And grumbling, and mumbling-, and stumbling, and tumbling !
Falling, and bawling, and sprawling, and crawling ;
And withering, and dithering, and quivering, and shivering;
Waking, and aching, and quaking and shaking;
Ailing-, and Jailing, and always bewailing;
Dreary, and weary, and nothing that's cheery ;
Groaning-, and moaning, his selfishness owning ;
And sighing, and crying, when lying and dying ;
Grieving and heaving, though nought he is leaving
But wealth, and ill heath, and his pelf, and his self.
Then he sends for a doctor, to cure or to kill,
Who gives him offence, as well as a pill,
By dropping a hint about making his will,
And as fretful Antiquity cannot be mended,
The lonely life of the Bachelor's ended.
Nobody mourns him, and nobody sighs ;
Nobody misses him, nobody cries ;
For nobody grieves when a Bachelor dies.
Now, gentlemen, mark me ! — for this is the life
That is led by a man never bless'd with a wife â–
And this is the way he yields up his breath,
Attested by all who are in at the death.
Very Wise. — Every industrious man, by his labour, manual
or mental, depends upon his personal exertions for fortune and for
fame. Every indolent man depends for subsistence upon the la-
bour of others— upon patrimonial resources, or upon trick and
lis 'id. One adds to the common stock of wealth and human en-
joj ment ; the other adds nothing. The last are like the grain-
worms, which consume our crops, without rendering any equiva-
lent to society.
Very Witty— A barrister in the Common Picas the other day,
in the course of his address to the court, repeatedly made use of
the words " rule nisi," upon which the witty Serjeant T was
heard to exclaim, that it required a nice eye to see the point of hia
argument.
36 THE BOOK OP
THE ASS AND THE SLUGGARD.
One morning:, as a milk-lad and his ass were going their morn-
ing rounds through Barnsley streets, the donkey commenced bray-
ing; but before he had finished his enchanting music, a chamber
window was hastily thrown open, and out popped a head with a
night-cap on, and a voice exclaimed, in a tone almost as loud as
the offender, " You rascal ! why did you let your ass bray before
my door, when I was fast asleep ?"' The boy, who could not help
laughing, cocked up his face at the sleepy gentleman, and replied,
" Wha, vo shud a spoken befoar, mestur ; cos haw did't donkey
naw yo wor asleep?" This was sufficient ; down fell the window
quicker than it went up, and the boy went about his business.
^s s ^ y ■•
SOLUTION OE THE RIDDLE, Page 21.
That never can be, quoth I,
Or I can't make it out ;
For if one syllable you take from five,
Four will remain, no doubt.
I thought the matter o'er again,
And discovered for my pains,
That if from monosyllable you take MO,
" No syllable" remains.
A Blue Stocking'. — A learned young lady once astonished a
company by asking for the "loan of a diminutive, argenteous,
truncated cone, convex on its summit, ami semi-perforated with
symmetrical indentations." She wanted a thimble.
Tt is with narrow-souled people as with narrow-necked botth s,
the less they have in them, the more noise they make in pouring
it out.
EPIGRAM.
It blew a hard Rtorm, and in utmost confusion,
The sailors all hurried to pet absolution,
Which done, and the weight of the sin they eonfess'd,
Transferr'd, as they thought, from themselves to the priest
To lighten the ship, and conclude the devotion,
They toss'd the old parson souse into the ocean.
Love of Music. — "The man who has no music in his soul"
Was last week seen listening to a saw lilcr while at work. The
man seemed highly delighted.
FUN AND AMUSEMENT. 37
Buck, the New York coined iau, was asked how he came to turn
Lis coat twice. He replied that one good turn deserved another.
A mathematician being- asked by a wag, " If a pig weighs two
hundred pounds, how much will a large hog weigh?" replied,
"Jump into the scale and I will tell you immediately."
Some reputed saints that have been canonized, ought to have
been cannonaded ; and some reputed sinners that have been can-
nonaded, ought to have been canonized.
RECOVERY OF DEBT.
A subscriber to one of the papers being sadly in arrears for the
same, promised the editor that if his life was spared to a certain
day, he would without fail discharge his bill. The day passed and
the bill was not paid. The natural conclusion, therefore, was that
the man was dead, absolutely defunct. Proceeding on this con-
clusion, the editor in his next paper put the name of the delinquent
under the obituary head, with the attending circumstances of time
and place. Very soon after the announcement, the subject of it
appeared to the editor, not with the pale ghastly countenance usual-
ly ascribed to apparitions, but with a face as red as scarlet. Nei-
ther did it, like other apparitions, wait to be first spoken to, but
broke silence — " What do you mean by publishing my death?"
" Why, sir, the same that 1 mean by publishing the death of any
other person, that is, to let the world know that you were dead."
" Well, but I am not dead !" " Not dead ! then it is your own fault,
for you told me you would positively discharge the bill by such a
day if you lived to that time. The day is past, the bill is not paid,
and you positively must be dead, for I will not believe you would
forfeit your word — O no." " I see you have got round me, Mr.
Editor — but say no mure about it, here is the money. And harkee,
you wag, just contradict my death next week, will you?" " O cer-
tainly, sir, just to phase you — though upon my word I can't help
thinking you dead at the time specified, and that you have merely
come back to pay this bill, on account of your friendship for me."
" The candles you sold me last were very, very bad,'' said Suett
to a tallow chandler. "Indeed, sir, I am very sorry for that."
" Yes, sir, do you know they burnt to the middle, and then would
burn no longer." "Goodness! you surprise me; what sir, did
they go out ?" " No, sir, no — they burnt shorter."
38 THE BOOK OF
POLLY'S GAON.
I recollect when I wor young;, a moast amusing thin" ;
'Twill mak the melancholy laf,— the saddest soul to sing.
The thing consarn'd a naybur lass, who wanted a new gaon ;
Said she, " I'll have a bran new one, — the grandest in the taon !"
"There's Mat o' Bob's, and Bet o' Dick's, they swagger like a blade;
I'll tak the shine aot on 'em both, when my new gaon is made."
" I hae been meanly clad too long, and I hae been despised ;
Fine fethura mak line birds indeed ; — my gaon will mak me priz'd."
"A farmer's daughter should be drest, better than common lass ;
My gaon shall put 'em all ith shade ; good luck ! I've got the brass "
"The dress of lasses hereabaots, and those worn in the taon
Will all be nowt coiupar'd wi mine, — I'll beat 'em wi' my gaon."
" Next Market-day, if I do live, I'll go to Halifax taon,
And in the grandest shop I'll buy the grandest print for t' gaon."
The Market-day arriv'd at last, and Polly went tut taon ;
And fun the grandest shop in which to buy herself a gaon.
She said tut muster of the place, " I'm com'd to buy a print,
And yo mun show me in this shop, the grandest yo have in't."
The shopman show'd her monny a piece, till 1 1 had show'd her all ;—
"I think, my lass, you're bad to suit, — please you again to call."
Poll walked out wi' fallen brow, to other shops ith taon,
But could not find a print to suit for making a new gaon.
Returning by the grandest shop, said she, " I'll call a; ran,
To see when a fresh stock they'll get, — a stock lit to be seen."
" I had forgot when you were here," the man to her did say,
"To show to you a splendid print, magnificent and gay.
It is a lin, the grandest tiring, the only piece in town,
And if your choice should lix on it, you'll have a splendid gown."
The shopman to the lad did wink, he wor a merry blade ;
While Polly said, " This print will do, — my gaon shall sooin be made."
" Its tfgrandest thing," said t'lad ith shop, who wanted just to fun In r ;
" I'd hae it made by a first-rate hand, and then 'twill be a stunner.
And if you call when it is made, and let us Bee the lit
A nice new ribbon we will give, — an ornament lor it."
When she wor goane, the lad did say, " She'll come in it tut taon ;
I'll watch for her— there will bo fun, with thai pom- lass's gaon,"
She show'd her mother what she'd brought from t'Draper's in the taon ,
"I've bought u hansom printed lin, to mak mwii a gaon,."
FUN AND AMUSEMENT. 39
"Thy taste is good," her mother said, "how beautiful to see
Those fine green trees, and beasts, and birds, and huntsmen in full glee!"
"I dunnat like those broad green leaves, those branches thick and tall,
Burds red and yollow, ducks and geese," her sister Nan did bawl.
"Thah g-omeless goby, hold te tongue, tha dusn't know what is grand,
I wish thee taste wor like ar Poll's, who gaons can understand."
" Na, Polly, goa and get it made, — thah could not hae a finer;
It mun be dun by Sunday next, and then tha'll be a shiner."
Next Sunday Polly took the gaon, and don'd it on her rig ;
Her mother smiled and called it grand, while Nan grind like a pig
Her father met her at the door, as she wor goin tut church ;
He star'd at t'gaou and muttered low, "Tha'll sooin be in a lurch."
"I've tell'd my wife to curb that lass, and cure her nasty pride ;
Yet na she's drest in that faal thing, — burds, wild beasts on her hide."
The nayburs laft as shoo went past ; — " My word that gaon dus show,
Said Jack o' Bill's, "What colours there ! She's rigg'd with the
rainbow.
See wild beasts there, and bonny burds, nearly as large as life ;
That pretty gaon will mak that lass reight sooin become a wife."
" I'd have her sooin, but I am wed," said little Bobby Tweezer,
"And always be admiring her, and in that gaon I'd squeeze her.
She'll smite the lads of Halifax,— her beauty they'll admire,
That gaon will knock their hearts abaot, and set them all o'fire."
And thus they jok'd, and jok'd ageean, till Polly did feel praad ;
She toss'd her head and looked heigh, not understanding t'craad.
She travell'd on until she came to Johnny Pindar's cot ;
He call'd his wife to see her pass, and what a gaon she'd got.
"Gooid morning, Polly," Mally said, as she went aot to stop her;
"Fine fethurs mak fine birds indeed, — thy gaon it is a topper."
" That gaon will gie thee luck to-day, it males thee look so smart ;
I'gy tha will come back to-neet, this way with a sweet-heart."
Polly delighted, walked on, and met with monny a gazer;
While lads and lasses, shaoted aot, " That gaon it is a blazer."
She pass'd through t' streets withaot remark, for it had getten late,
Save from an Irishman, who said, " Your gaon, miss, looks quite nate."
She enter'd church, the verger led smart Poll into a pew,
While nearly every head wor turned, the comic scene to view.
The parson looked from his book, I'm sure I saw him smile ;
lie had hard wark to cook his face, as Poll went daon the ile.
40 THE BOOK OF
The old fat dark be laft to see, Polly with her dress on,
He smooth'd his face, and said, Amen, but nearly lost his less'n.
I saw a lady laf outright, for shame, I dare not name her;
It would hue made a vicar laf, Poll's gaon wor such a flamer.
Poll sat besides the ladies grand, and tried to look as prim ;
They did not like so queer a squad, so near, and they look'd grim.
But Polly sat like onny queen, as if she wear'd a craan,
Her consequence wor great indeed, created by her gaon.
Polly lass, thah maks me think of Bobby Burns the poet,
Whose words condemn not only thee, but all who're praad and show it,—
" that we had the gijt to see
Ourselves as we are seen,
We sooin should loise arfooilish airs,
And not appear so green."
Who should I see in the next seat, but t'merry Draper's lad,
" I'll have some fun," thought he, "to-day ; I'm tired of being sad."
"That curtain print, ha queer it looks, upon that ninny's back,
I have laft since I sell'd it, — it fits her like a sack."
My lad, I blame yo very much, for plaguing t' simple lass,
Yo sell'd her t'print for a gooid spree, and to get hold o'th brass.
Yo've thrown the church-foaks on this day, into sad commotion ;
That gaon has drawn their lit arts away from all pure devotion."
At last the Parson said the Grace, the people to dismiss,
But every eye was iix'd on Poll, and hundreds said, " What's this?"
On Polly's gaon the children saw the huntsmen and the haands,
The flying birds, the ducks and geese, pleas'd them beyond all baands.
" I never saw a gaon like that," a score of voices said ;
"Why of such stall' the quality mak curtains for a bed."
Such speeches open'd Polly's eyes, — she knew not where to go, —
To leave the craad that on her prest, she ran through Ratton Ltow.
Poor Polly saw her error na,— that all her pride wor liiarr'd,
For moast o' foaks .-lie jmss'd cried aot, " What wor that gaon a yard ."'
At length she reaoh'd Bet Bradley's shop, to buy hersen some spice;
Tuas but to stop till t'oburch foaks pass d, her gaon it wor so nice.
Spice Betty said when she w< :it in, " Yoar gaon amazes me,"
While lads and i • rushed in, resolv'd to have a spree.
And others gether'd raand the door, and sooin began to shaot,
And then they tried a dodge or two, to ;j-t poor Polly aot.
On. opi n'd door \. , and aot o' breath he panted,
" ^ oar mother has been taken ill, und, Polly, yo an- wanU â– ! '
FUN AND AMUSEMENT. 41
But Polly saw 'twas all a trick, and therefore sat ber daon,
But felt uneasy when she thought abaot her plaguy gaon.
"Poll never look'd so smart before," said knock-o-knee'd Harry ;
" I'd save that gaon till t' wedding-day, when t'ehap and yo shall marry."
"Where wor it bought?" Jack Smithies said, "there's nowt like that
itfa taon,
It must hae come from foreign pairts, — it is a foreign gaon."
"Id send for t'piece," said squinting- Dick, "if I knew where it wor,
And give some to each lass I know, to mak a gaon for her."
"Why should one lass monopolize fine gaons unto hersen,
And try to act so lady-like, to gain the love of men?"
" Yo've bet old Lady Best to-day, — hoo's very fond o' dress,
But though boo has a hundred gaons, hoo's noane like that, I guess."
"Yo have a hunt upon yoar back, the haands are in full glee ;
Whisht ! dun't yo hear the huntsman's horn, saanding right merrily."
"It is a bonny, pratty gaon, — it's fit for onny queen ;
The nicest gaon that in the church, for twelve years has been seen."
"Come sell it me," said Tim o' Jack's, "I'll give yo onny brass,
And it shall grace my wedding day, when I have got a lass."
And thus they jok'd and laft away, and made th' old spice shop ring;
And "Tally-ho," and "Hark-away," they all began to sing.
This put poor Polly in a rage, and rarely warm'd her mettle,
She rose and stamp'd, and with her gaon, pull'd from t'rib the kettle.
It scalded one of Betty's feet, — she had 'em on the fender;
"I wish that lass would just go aot, if not, I mun send her."
Poll said, "I'll stop no longer here ;" and to the door she dash'd,
But knocked daon the tracle-drink, — the bottle too was smash d.
then there wor a bonny row — they push'd poor Polly daon,
Upset the chairs and tables too, and rove her bonny gaon.
The cakes, and toffee, and potates, were squander'd on the floor
And Polly said, "If I get aot, I will come here no more."
The humbug-glass and butter-scot, and parkins they knock'd daon,
The tracle-can and blacking-pot, fell on poor Polly s gaon.
The nuts and apples flew abaot, it was a shame to see,
While Polly wept and sobb'd aloud, "I wish I were but free !"
"I little thought when I set aot, this morning in my gaon,
That I should have such fooils to meet, in this fine polish'd taon."
"Com.-, Polly, lass, let's mak it up," said Bill o' Jack's o' Ned,
"And we will have noan of bitch jars, when I and yo are wed."
"I'll noane be P oil'd by tin e," .-be said ; "I wish tha wor it li wars,"
And then she struck hiui on the face, and made lam see the stars,
42 THE BOOK OF
But Billy could not brook the blow, which she to him had given ;
He rush'd to pay her back agean, and Polly's gaon wor riven.
And all the other reckless chaps, their frolisj did increase,
And pull'd abaot poor Polly's gaon, till each had g-ot a piece.
Such frantic ways made Betty shaot, " Villains, what will yo do *
I never saw my hause before, in such a hullabuloo."
" This mischief has arisen from that country hawbuck's gaon ;
I wish she'd been at Jericho, and not in Halifax taon."
" And na who is to pay me, for what yo've stole and brocken,
Yo every one have done yoar warst, or I have never spocken."
" Ay, yo ma laf, yo brazen things, and scorn the words I say,
But I will mak yo laf, yo imps, your maath another way."
"I'll go to Justice Stocks' at morn, who lives at Kath'rine Slack,
I will have payment from yo all — a warrant aot I'll tak."
Yo villains all, get aot at hause, yos' stop no longer here."
And Betty seized the lire-poker, and made them disappear.
But Polly stopp'd awhile behind, and then she heard them shaot,
" We'll buy no more at this spice-shop, unless they turn her aot."
Spice Betty said to Polly then, " Yoar nasty stinking pride,
Has ruined me, and humbled yo ; I wonder yo can bide."
" Mak off from here, and come no more, for yo are very green,
And tell yoar mother I believe, she yo forgot to wean."
In saddest mood Poll ventur'd forth, and fac'd the craad at t'door,
When "Tally-ho," and " Hark-away," were shaoted more and more.
They click'd her gaon, but off she ran, reight up throo Cripplegate,
Through Smithy Slake and Winding-road, when t'craad began to abate.
At last she got to Ovenden cross, methought I heard her Bay,
" I wor in different trim this morn, when I came on this way."
" I think I limn have fooiliah been, it all looks like a trance;
There is a time to weep, I find, as weU as one to dance."
"By nasty pride I've been undone, and by an ugly choice,
In what 1 buy another time, wise foaks shall have a voice."
But when she came in Bight of hoam, the foaks did her assail ;
" Is this the gaon yo'd on this morn? Egad, it's lost its tail."
She oppen'd t'door, and sat her daon, for shoo wor ommost spent,
And tell'd 'em what had taken place, since from that hause she went.
Her mother wept, her father too her folly did bewail,
While Nanny nobbuf lafl and said, " By pride tha's lost thee tail."
"I've been a lafflng-StOCll :ill day," .said I'olly ill la T ire,
Aud then she took her riven gaon, and put it on the lire.
FUN AND AMUSEMENT. 43
u I will no more be plagu'd by tbee, whatever tha has cost ;
I've learnt a lesson g-ooid to-day, from t'peace o' mind I've lost."
" Pride goes before destruction, lass"
Her father then did say ;
" And haughtiness before a fall,
As we have seen to-day.
Ah never think that all is gold,
Though it may breetly shine,
But do below the surface look,
And thah will find a mine."
A FAST WORKMAN.
During that part of the year when days are at their shortest, a
blacksmith was sent for to one of the linen warehouses in Barnsley,
to fix some iron bars outside a window, in one of the upper stories ,
whilst fixing the last bar, Mr. Vulcan forgot to take in his head;
and having dropped the screw-driver before he had discovered his
mistake, he had no chance of extricating himself. His employer
happening to come some time after, to see how he was getting on,
called out, " Well, Abraham, I see you have just done." "Nay,
sur," replied Abraham, "I've ed dun these two hawers; but yo see
I've made me head fast." The gentleman laughed heartily to
see his man so nicely fixed in the stocks, and, as a caution to him
to be more wary in future, suffered him to remain in that situation
nearly all the afternoon, without dinner.
An Irishman fights before he reasons, a Scotchman reasons be-
fore he fights, an Englishman is not particular as to the order of
precedence, but will do either to accommodate his customers. A
modern general has said, that the best troops would be as follows:
An Irishman half drunk, a vScotchman half-starved, and an Eng-
lishman with his belly full.
Great Delusion. — We once heard of a traveller at a Pennsyl-
vania hotel, who rose from his bed at night to examine the wea-
ther, but instead of looking out upon the sky, thrust his head
through the glass window of a cupboard, "Landlord,' cried the
astonished man, "this is very singular weather; the night is as
dark as Egypt, and smells of cheese."
4A TIIE BOOK OP
IRELAND ONCE.
Under the government of O'Brien, one of the old Irish kings
such a spirit of justice, virtue, and equity, prevailed among the
people, that a person who carried valuable property about him,
and even a defenceless female, might traverse the realm without,
fear of injury or molestation. 'A young lady of great beauty (says
Dr. Warner,) adorned with jewels and a costly dress, undertook" a
journey alone, from one end of the kingdom to another, with only
a wand in her hand, at the tqp of which was a ring of exceedingly
great value ; and such an impression had the laws and government
of this monarch made on the minds of all the people, that no at-
tempt was made upon her honour, nor was she robbed of her
clothes or jewels.'
The incident is thus versified in Mr. Moore's Melodies, and it
has furnished a pleasing subject for the exercise of the talents of
two of our most ingenious artists.
Ricb and rare were the g-ems she wore,
And a bright g-old ring- on her wand she bore ;
l>ut, oh ! her beauty was far beyond
Her sparkling- gems and snow-white wand.
' Lady ! dost thou not fear to stray,
So lone and lovely, through this bleak way?
Are Erin's sons so good or so cold
As not to be tempted by women or gold V
'Sir Knight ! I feel not the least alarm ;
No son of Erin will offer me harm:
For, though they love women and golden stove,
Sir Knight ! they love honour and virtue more.'
On she went, and her maiden smile
In safety lighted her round the Green Isle;
And bless' d for ever is she who relied
Upon Erin's honour and Erin's pride !
When Mr. C. Yorke was returned member for the University
of Cambridge, in 1780, he went round to thank the members who
had voted for him. Among the number was one remarkable for
having the largest and ugliest face that ever was seen. Mr,
in thanking him, said, "Sir, I have a great reason to be thankful
to my friends in general, hut enures, myself under particular ob-
ligations to you for the very remarkable countenance you li
ihoum me upon this occasi
FUN AND AMUSEMENT.
What's duller than a sword of lead? The brains
. What's duller than a ruaty poker? The S-
. old sordid Bachelor! Who.' scouted
ore sour.
A PUZZLE
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45
A CKIP FEOM A SAILOR'S LOG.
It was a dead calm — not a breath of air — the sails flapped idly
against the masts ; the helm had lost its power, and the ship turn-
ed her head how and where she liked. The heat was intense, so
much so, that the chief mate had told the boatswain to keep the
watch out of the sun ; but the watch below found it too warm to
sleep, and were tormented with thirst, which they could not gratify
till the water was served out. They had drunk all the previous
day's allowance ; and now that their scuttle butt was dry, there was
nothing left for them but endurance. Some of the seamen had
congregated on the top-gallant forecastle, where they gazed on the
clear blue water with longing eyes.
' How cool and clear it looks,' said a tall, powerful young sea-
man ; ' I don't think there are many sharks about; what do you
Bay for a bath, lads ?"
4 That for the sharks !' burst almost simultaneously from the
parched lips of the group : " we'll have a jolly good bath when the
second mate goes in to dinner.' In about halt an hour the dinner
bell rang. The boatswain took charge of the deck ; some twenty
sailors were now stripped, except a pair of light duck trousers;
among the rest was a tall, powerful, coast-of-Africa nigger, of the
name of Leigh : they used to joke him, and call him Sambo.
46
THE BOOK OF
' \ ou no swim to-day, Ned ?' said he, addressing me. ' Feared
of shark, heh ? Shark nebber bite me. Suppose I meet shark in
water, I swim after him— him run like debbel.' I was tempted,
and, like the rest, was soon ready. In quick succession we jump-
ed off the spritsail yard, the black leading. We had scarcely been
in the water five minutes, when some voice on-board cried oiit, ' A
shark ! a shark !' In an instant every one of the swimmers came
tumbling up the ship's sides half mad with fright, the gallant
black among the rest. It was a false alarm. We felt angry with
ourselves for being frightened, angry with those who had frighten-
ed us, and furious with those who had laughed at us. In another
moment we were all again in the water, the black and myself swim-
ming some distance from the ship. For two successive voyages
there had been a sort of rivalry between us ; each fancied that he
was the best swimmer, and we were now testing our speed.
' Well done, Ned !' cried some of the sailors from the forecastle.
* Go it, Sambo !' cried some others. We were both straining our
utmost, excited by the cheers of our respective partisans. Sud-
denly the voice of the boatswain was heard shouting, ' A shark !
a shark ! Come back for God's sake !'
4 Lay aft, and lower the cutter down,' then came faintly on our
ear. The race instantly ceased. As yet, we only half believed
what we heard, our recent fright being still fresh iii our memories.
' Swim for God's sake !' cried the captain, who was now on deck :
' he has not yet seen you. The boat, if possible, will get between
you and him. Strike out, lads, for God's sake !' My heart stood
still: I felt weaker than a child as I gazed at the dorsal I'm of a
large shark on the starboard quarter. Though in the water, the
perspiration dropped from me like rain : the black was striking out
like mad for the ship.
' Swim, Ned— swim !' cried several voices ; ' they never take
black when they can get white.'
I did swim, and that desperately: the water foamed past me,
I soon breasted the black, but could not head him. We both strain-
ed every nerve to be first, for we each fancied die la--t man would
betaken. Yet we scarcely seemed to move: the ship appeared
as far as ever from us. We were both powerful swimmers, and
both of us swam in the French way called la brasse, or hand over
hand in English. There was something the matter with the boat's
falls, and they could not lower her.
' He sees you now!' was shouted ; 'he is after you!' Oh the
agony of that moment! I thought of everything at the same in-
stant, at least so it seemed to me then. Scenes long forgotten
rushed through my brain with the rapidity of lightning, yet in the
ETJN AND AMUSEMENT. 47
midst of tliis I was striking out madly for the ship. Each moment
I fancied I could feel the pilot-fish touching me, and I almost
screamed with agony. We were now not ten yards from the ship :
fifty ropes were thrown to us ; but, as if by mutual instinct, we
swam for the same.
' Hurra ! they are saved ! — they are alongside !' was shouted by
the eager crew. We both grasped the rope at the same time ; a
slight struggle ensued : I had the highest hold. Regardless of
everything but my own safety, I placed my feet on the black's
shoulders, scrambled up the side, and fell exhausted on the deck.
The negro followed roaring with pain, for the shark had taken
away part of his heel. Since then, I have never bathed at sea ;
nor," I believe, has Sambo been ever heard again to assert that he
would swim after a shark if he met one in the water.
A person talking to Foote of an acquaintance of his, who was
so avaricious, that he lamented the prospect of his funeral expenses,
and who yet had censured one of his relations for his parsimony ;
"Now is it not strange," continued he, "that this man would not
take the beam out of his own eye, before he attempted the mote
in other people's ?" "Why, so I dare say he would," cried Foote,
" if he was sure of selling the timber."
FEMALE COURTSHIP.
Two or three looks when your swain wants a kiss,
Two or three noes when he bids you say " yes,"
Two or three smiles when you utter the "no,"
Two or three frowns if he offers to go,
Two or three laughs when astray for small chat,
Two or three tears, tho' you can't tell for what,
Two or three letters when your vows are begun,
Two or three quarrels before you have done,
Two or three dances to make you jocose,
Two or three hours in a corner sit close,
Two or three starts when he bids you elope,
Two or three glances to intimate hope,
Two or three pauses before you are won,
Two or three swoonings to let him press on,
Two or three sighs when you've wasted your tears,
Two or three hums when the chaplain appeal's,
Two or three squeezes when the hand's given away,
Two or three coughs when you come to "obey,"
Two or three lasses may have by these rhymes,
Two or three little ones, — two or three times.
48 THE BOOK OF
Pope and Swift. — Pope, notwithstanding his diminutive and
mishapen figure, is said to have been not a little susceptible
of even personal vanity; as he was one day asking Swift what
people thought of him in Ireland? "Why," said Swift, "They
think that you are a very little man, but a very great poet." Pope
instantly retorted, with some acrimony, "And in England they
think of you, exactly the reverse."
THE PAIR SEX.
When Eve brought " woe" to all mankind,
Old Adam call'd her " wo-man ;"
But when she "woo'd" with love so kind,
He then pronounced it " woo-man."
But now, with folly and with pride,
Their husbands' pockets trimming-,
The ladies are so full of whim,
That people call them " whim-men."
Self-Satisfied Party. — Four gentlemen, a Baptist, Presbyte-
rian, Methodist, and Roman Catholic, met by agreement to dine
on a fish. Soon as grace was said, the Catholic rose, armed with
a knife and fork, and taking about one-third of the fish, compre-
hending the head, removing it to his plate, exclaiming, as be sat
down, with great self-satisfaction, " Papa est caput ecclesice ."' (the
Pope is the bead of the Church.) Immediately the Methodist
minister arose, and helping himself to about one-third, embracing
the tail, seated himself, " Finis coronat opus f* (the end crowns
the work.) The Presbyterian now thought it was about time for
him to move, and taking the remainder ol the fish to his plate, ex-
claimed, "In media est I'eritas .'" (truth lies between the two ex-
tremes.) Our Baptist brother bad nothing before him but an
empty plate, and the prospect of a slim dinner; and, snatching
up the bowl of drawn melted butter, be dasbed it over them all,
exclaiming, "Ego baplizo vos .'" (1 baptise you all.)
A Puritan Rebuked.— " Ah, Eliza," cried a puritan preacher
to a young lady who had just been making her hair into beautiful
ringlets, " Ah, Eliza, had God intended your lucks to he curled, lie
would have curled them for you." — "Whin 1 was an infant," re-
plied the damsel, "he did ; but now I am grown up, be thinks I
dm able to do it myself."
FUN AND AMUSEMENT. 49
Girls, Beware ! — .lean Paul thus cautions young girls : — The
young men fell on tlieiv knees before you ; but, remember, it is but
as the infantry before cavalry, that they may conquer and kill ; or
as the hunter, who only on bended knees takes aim at his victim.
ATTACHMENT OF AN ARAB HORSE.
An Arab and his tribe had attacked, in the desert, the Damas-
cus caravan. The victory was complete ; and the Arabs were al-
ready busy in packing their rich booty, when the cavalry of the
Pacha of Acre, who had started to meet this caravan, suddenly
poured down upon the victorious Arabs, killed a great number,
took others prisoners, and having bound them with ropes, led them
to Acre to present them to the Pacha. Abou-el-Marsh, the leader
of this plundering expedition, had received a ball in his arm dur-
ing the skirmish. The wound not being mortal, the Turks had
tied him upon a camel ; and taking possession of his Arab charger,
led away both the horse and his rider. The night before the day
on which they were to enter Acre, they encamped with their
prisoners in the mountains of Saphadt. The wounded Arab had
his legs tied together with a thong of leather, and was stretched
near the tent in which the Turks were sleeping. During the night
the pain of his wound kept him awake, and he heard his own
horse neigh amongst the other horses, which according to oriental
custom, were shackled around the tents. He recognized its voice ;
and could not resist the desire he felt to speak once more to the
companion of his life. He dragged himself painfully along the
ground by the aid of his hands and knees, and at last managed to
reach his courser.
" My poor friend," he said, " what wilt thou do amongst the
Turks ? Thou wilt be imprisoned beneath the vaults of a khan,
along with the horses of an aga or pacha. The women and the
children will no longer fetch thee camel's milk, or barley and doura
in the hollow of the hand. Thou wilt no more range freely through
the desert like the Egyptian wind ; nor will thy breast ever more
cleave the waters of the Jordan. If I am to live in slavery, do thou
at least be free ! There ; go, return to the well-known tent. Tell
my wife that Abou-el-Marseh will never return more; and thrust
thy head through the curtains of the tent, to lick the hand of my
little children." While speaking thus, Abou-el-Marsch had gnaw-
ed with his teeth the goat's-hair rope with which Arabian horses
are shackled, and the animal was free. But on beholding his
master bound and wounded at his feet, the faithful and intelligent
B
50 THE BOOK OF
courser instinctively understood what no language would have
been able to explain to him. He lowered his head, snorted over
his master, and then, seizing in his teeth the leathern girdle which
encircled his waist, he started off at full gallop, and carried him as
far as his own tent. The moment after the noble horse had arrived,
and had deposited his master on the sand at the feet of his wife
and children, he expired with fatigue. The whole tribe bewailed
him ; the poets sung his praise ; and his name is constantly uttered
by the mouth of the Arabs of Jericho. — Lamartine's Travels in
Syria.
EPIGRAM.
Piron standing one day beneath a portico to avoid a violent
shower of rain, observed two young ladies at a window near him,
laughing at the people who were runuiug for shelter ; he addressed
them as follows : —
Ladies, your tittering- mood this truth discovers,
From rain, like others, you'd run belter skelter ;
But should the heavens pour down a shower of lovers,
You'd run a race down stairs to quit your shelter.
WAR.
Give me (says the Rev. Robert Taylor) the money that has been
spent in war, and I will purchase every foot of land upon the globe.
1 will clothe every man, woman, and child, in an attire of which
kings and queens would be proud. I will build a school-house on
every hill-side, and in every valley over the whole earth; I will
build an academy in every town, and endow it ; a college in every
state, and fdl it with able professors; I will crown every hill with
a place of worship, consecrated to the promulgation of the Gospel
of peace ; 1 will support in every pulpit an able teacher of right-
eousness, so that on every Sabbath morning the chime on one hill
should answer to the chime on another round the earth's wide cir-
cumference : and the voice of prayer and the song of praise should
ascend like a universal holocaust to heaven.
What part of Scripture would two young ladies fulfil when kis-
sing each other '—Doing to each other as they would that men
should do onto them.
FUN AM) AMUSEMENT. 51
THE PUDDING BAG
To study the people, the climate, and weather,
Dr. Johnson and Boswell a tower took together,
To Scotland — where days called ban-yan days endure,
For living they found, like the people, was poor.
At a low little pot-house, one day like a glutton,
Dr. Johnson had order'd a roast leg of mutton ;
And Boswell, with appetite clever and 'cute,
Had also bespoke a boil'd pudding to boot.
Now all being ready, they sat down to dine —
" I'm hungry," says Boswell, " this mutton is fine!"
"And indeed 1 ' said the doctor, " the pudding's a treat-
So I've alter'd my mind — and don't care about meat."
In silence they dined, when the cloth clear'd away,
Says Boswell, " How strange to refuse meat to day !
' lis something uncommon roast mutton to pass,
Strange that you, who were starving, should still longer fast !"
Said Johnson, " If really the truth must be said,
I saw the meat roasting — and saw the boy's head,
Which was lousy and scabby ; and as round the meat ran,
He with both his bauds scratch'd his head over the pan."
"Unfriendly," said Boswell, "to play such a trick,
The thoughts of it now even makes my heart sick!
If half an hour back, you your silence had broke — "
Said Johnson, " No ! that would have spoil'd a good joke.''
Enraged, return'd Boswell, " I'll have the boy in,
And, curse him ! I'll break every bone in his skin :
Come here, you young rascal ! — say how does it hap,
You don't on that vile scabby head wear a cap?"
Said the boy — " Why, gude sir, and indeed it is true,
That I do wear a cap ! — and indeed, sir, I do !
But mither, she kenning my cap wer o gude 'un,
Has used it this mornin' to boil your plum pudden ! !"
•~\^s ^ ^--
Latour Maubourg lost his leg at the battle of Leipsic. After
he had suffered amputation with the greatest courage, he saw his
servant crying, or pretending to cry, in the corner of the room.
"None of your hypocritical tears, you idle dog," said his master,
"you know you are very glad, for now you will have only one
boot to clean instead of two.''
52 THE BOOK OP
SUNDRY MISERIES.
Residing between a stone-cutter's and an undertaker's.
Haggling with a surly hackney-coachman for sixpence, and
alter lie has driven off about a quarter of an hour, recollecting
that you have left a new umbrella in his coach.
Drying a long letter by the fire ; holding it negligently in one
hand behind you, whilst you are conversing with a friend in the
room, turning round and perceiving it to be in flames.
In sharply turning a corner, coming suddenly in contact with a
chimney-sweeper, who impresses your white waistcoat and light-
coloured breeches with very visible memorials of the rencontre.
Passing a narrow passage fresh painted.
Forced, by politeness, to quit a comfortable party, to attend a
cross old maid to her lodgings at the distance of two miles.
Wishing to wake early to be in time for a morning coach, wa-
king, and upon looking at your watch, discovering that you had
not wound it up.
Making several memorandum knots in your handkerchief, and
forgetting the important cause of every one of tbem.
Dreaming that you have wings, and waking with a fit of the gout.
Endeavouring to make violent love under the table and pressing
the wrong foot.
Toasting a bit of cheese, and when it is more than half done,
letting it fall into the ashes.
Hearing the bells ring for the marriage of your rival.
Knocking at the door of a house for half'-an-hour, and then being
told that the house has been empty for the last two months.
In a hurry to send off a letter, dipping your finger into the ink
instead of the wafer-stand.
The Wish-Bone.— A lovelorn swain broke a wish-bone with
his "heart's queen" somewhere up in New Hampshire. " Ncow,
what do you wish, Sally?" demanded Jonathan, with a tender grin
of expectation. " I wish I was handsome," replied the fair dam-
sel— "handsome as Queen Victory!" ".ler-ru-salem! what a wish!"
replied .Jonathan, — " when you're handsome 'miff ncow ! But I'll
tell ye what I wish, Sally— I wish you was locked in my arms, and
the key was lost!"
Very Foolish.— In Mexico they have a soap-plant, with which
the women wash clothes. But that is nothing to the tree out. West,
which produces sausages ready fried, and little cups to hold the
graw.
FUN AND AMUSEMENT. 53
THE GOUTY MERCHANT AND THE STRANGER,
In Bond-street Building's, on a winter's night,
Snu<i- by his parlour fire, a gouty wight
Sat all alone, with one hand rubbing
His leg roll'd up in fleecy hose,
While t'other held beneath his nose
The Public Ledger, in whose columns grubbing,
He noted all the sales of hops,
Ships, shops, and slops,
Gum, galls, and groceries, ginger, gin,
Tar, tallow, turmerick, turpentine, and tin;
When lo ! a decent personage in black
Entered, and most politely said, —
"Your footman, sir, has gone his nightly track,
To the King's Head,
And left your door ajar, which I
Observed in passing by,
And thought it neighbourly to give you notice."
"Ten thousand thanks — how very few get,
In titne of danger,
Such kind attentions from a stranger
Assuredly that fellow's throat is
Doom'd to a final drop at Newgate.
He knows, too, the unconscious elf,
That there's no soul at home exept myself."
"Indeed !" replied the stranger, looking grave,
" Then he's a double knave.
He knows that rogues and thieves by scores
Nightly beset unguarded doors :
And see how easily might one
Of these domestic foes,
Even beneath your nose
Perform his knavish tricks, —
Enter your room as I have done,
Blow out your candles— thus — and thu
Pocket your silver candlesticks,
And walk off— thus."
So said — so done — he made no more remark,
Nor waited for replies,
But marched off with his prize,
Leaving the gouty merchant in the dark.
More libel.—" Ma," said a little girl to her mother, " do the
men want to get married as much as the women do ?" " Psha !
what are you talking- about?" "Why, Ma, the women who come
here are always talking about getting married, but the men don't
do so."
54 THE BOOK OF
Horrible Invention.— In the inquisition in Spain, there was
an instrument of fiendish ingenuity truly horrible. Its exterior
was a beautiful woman, or large doll richly dressed, with arms ex-
tended ready to embrace its victim. Around her feet a semicircle
was drawn. The victim who passed over this fatal mark touched
a spring, which caused the diabolical engine to open ; its anus
clasped him, a thousand knives cut him into as many pieces in the
deadly embrace.
A BISHOP'S BLESSING.
With cover'd head, a country boor
Stood, while the Bishop bless'd the poor, —
The mitred prelate lifted high
His voice—" Take off your hat."—" Not I,
Your blessing's little worth," he said,
" If through the hat 't wont reach the head."
RETRIBUTION.
In the year 1745, a party of Cumberland's dragoons was hurry-
ing through Nithsdale in search of rebels. Hungry and fatigued,
they called at a lone widow's house, and demanded refreshment.
Her son, a lad of sixteen, dressed them up lang Imle and butter,
and the good woman brought them new milk, which she told them
was all her stock. One of the party inquired, with seeming kind-
ness, how she lived. "Indeed," quoth she, "the cow and the kale
yard, wi' God's blessing, is a' my mnilcu." He arose, and with
his sabre killed the cow, and destroyed all the kale. The poor
woman was thrown upon the world, and died of a broken heart;
the disconsolate youth, her son, wandered away beyond the inquiry
of friends or the search of compassion. In the continental war,
when the British army had gained a great and signal victory, the
soldiers were making merry with wine, and recounting their ex-
ploits. A dragoon roared out, "I once starved a Scotch witch in
Nithsdale. 1 killed her cow and destroyed her greens : but," added
he, "she could live for all that on her God, as .she said!'' "And
don't you rue it?" "Rue what ':"' said he, "rue aught like that!"
"Then by my God," cried the youth, unsheathing his sword," that
woman was my mother! Draw, you brutal villain, draw." They
fought; the youth passed his sword twice through the dragoon's
body, and, while he turned him over in the throes of death, ex-
claimed, u Had you rued it, you should have only been punished
by your God !"
FUN AND AMUSEMENT. 55
The Earth's Journey.— 1" winter we are nearest the sun, and
in summer farthest from it ; for the difference in the season is not
occasioned by the greater or less distance of the earth from the sun,
but by the more 01 less oblique direction of the sun's rays. The
length of the path travelled over by the earth is estimated at 507,
019,740 miles, and, as this immense distance is passed over in a
j r, the earth must moi e seventeen miles a second — a rapidity so
far exceeding our conceptions, that it gave very just occasion to
the pleasant remark of Lichteuberg, that while one man salutes
another in the street, he goes many miles bareheaded without
catchiPjf cold.
A clergyman wishing to know whether the children of his parish-
jjners understood the Bible, asked a lad that he found one day
reading the Old Testament, who was the wickedest man. " Moses,
to he sure," said the boy. " Moses !" exclaimed the parson, "Mo-
ses! how can that lie?"—" Why," said the lad, "he broke all the
commandments at once."
TOM AND HIS FRIENDS;
OR, SEVEN DAYS' WORK.
Tom Ooodfellow came to his fortune on Sunday,
And Frii nds came to see hiin in dozens on Monday .
On Tuesday were with him to dinner and sup ;
On Wednesday in honour of Tom kept it up !
On Thursday his Friends set the dice-box afloat !
On Friday, by some means, Tom lost his last guinea
And Saturday — Saturday — saw an end of the ninny.
HUMAN LIFE ESTIMATED BY PULSATIONS.
An ingenious author asserts, that the length of a man's life may
be estimated by the number of pulsations he has strength to per-
form. Thus, allowing 70 years for the common age of man, and
00 pulses in a minute for the common measure of pulses in a tem-
perate person, the number ol 'pulsations in bis whole life would
amount to 2,207,520,000; but, if by intemperance, he forces his
blood iuto a more rapid motion, so as to give 75 pulses in a min-
ute, the same number of pulses would be completed in 50 years ;
conseouently, his life would be reduced 14 years.
5G
THE BOOK OF
WIT AT A PINCH.
'Twas in a dark December night,
When all was cold and dreary,
A man that was a merry wight,
Did spur and ride with all his might,
To gain some shelter cheery.
Across a common wet and long,
While sleet and snow were dropping,
With chatt'ring teeth and frozen tongue
He jrollop'd last, and smack'd his thong,
Till at an alehouse stopping.
'Twas small nnd snug-, and with his eyes,
Through windows eager shining-,
A rousing, crackling fire he spies,
And table of inviting size.
Where jovial guests were dining.
Down drops he then, from oil' his horse,
And, all ag-og- to enter,
Unceremonious takes his course,
Seeking his hasty way to force,
E'en to the kitchen's centre.
But not a foot of room was there,
The guests were wedg'd together;
They had no single thought to spare,
From landlord's fire and landlord's fare
i\ r or reck'd they now the weather.
The trav'ller rueful look'd about ;
At length with lungs most able,
He bids Will Ostler carry out,
A peck of oysters, fresh and stout,
To Dobbin in the stable.
"A peck of oysters! oats, good heart!"
Cries Will, with peals of laughter ;
"No! oysters, fellow ! quick, depart !"—
Out runs the man — and at one start
The whole mob rushes after.
All mad to see this wondrous steed,
(By serious aspect oheated)
They guess him of some monstrous breed,
Some strange Sea-horse ; while now, with speed,
The traveller gets seated.
Back posts the ostler ; all as fleet,
The troop of fools pursue him :
FUN AND AMUSEMENT.
"Lord, sir !" says Will, " I never see't
Such a thing ! — your horse won't eat
The oysters that I threw him."
"The deuce lie wont?— then, faith, I must!
So plnce me here a table —
And bring me bread, boili crumb and crust,
Pepper and vinegar ; and I trust
That I'm both glad and able."
K
7
A dabbler in literature and in line arts, who prided himself on
his knowledge and proper use of the English language, came upon
a youngster sitting on the hank of a mill-pond, angling for gud-
geons, and thus addressed him: — "Adolescens, art thou not en-
deavouring to entice the finny race to engulph into their denticu-
lated mouths a barbed hook, upon whose point is a dainty allure-
ment?"— "No,'' said the boy, " I'm jishiri ."
Not many months ago, a " Friend," who rejoiced in the name
of Comfort, paid his devoirs to a young and attractive Quaker
widow, named Rachael H . Either her griefs were too new,
or her lover too old ; or from some other cause, his offer was de-
clined. Whereupon a Quaker friend remarked that it was the first
modern instance he had known, where " Rachael refused to be
Comforted !" This anecdote is only remarkable as being the first
Quaker pun on record ; " Friends" generally lightly regarding
such distortions of "plain language."
A Good Reason. — A country pedagogue had two pupils, to
one of whom he was partial, and to the other severe. One morn-
ing it happened that these two boys were late, and were called up
to account for it. " You must have heard the bell, boys ; why did
you not come ?" — " Please, sir, said the favourite, " I was a dream-
in? that 1 was goin' to Californy, and I thought the school-bell
was the steam-boat-bell, as 1 was goin' in." — "Very well," said
the master, glad of any pretext to excuse his favourite. " And
now, sir," turning to the other, " what have you to say ?" — " Please,
sir," said the puzzled boy, " / — / — was a nailing to sve Tom of/'!"
Bad Times. — The ' Wheeling Times' says : — " The times are
so bad, and payments so rare, that the girls down east complain
that the young men cannot even fay their addresses."
58 TEE BOOK OF
TIMING IT.
A minister in the Highlands of Scotland found one of his par-
ishonevs intoxicated. Next day, he called to reprove him for it.
" It is very wrong to get drunk," said the parson. " I ken that,"
said the guilty person : " but I dinna drink as meikle as you do."
" Why, sir, how is that?" "Why, gin it please ye, dinna ye ay
take a glass o' whisky and water after dinner?" "Why, yes,
Jimmy, I take a glass of whiskey and water after dinner merely
to aid digestion." " And dinna ye take a glass o' whiskey toddy
every night when ye are goin to bed?" " Yes, to be sure; I take
a little toddy every night to help me to sleep." " Well," continued
the parishioner, " that's just fourteen glasses a week, and about
sixty every month. I only get paid once a month, and then, if
I'd take sixty glasses, it wad mak me deed drunk for a week.
Now, ye see, the only difference is, that ye time it better than I do."
PROVERBS.
A gossapin woman sends t'moast regs tut paper mill.
Shoe a jackass we gold, after all il kick ye if he can.
Mucky jobs brings clean brass,
lis better ta be kick't we a camel then lick't we a lion.
A public hause sign iz a linger board to a jail door.
A lazy nun keeps hi/ wife aght at shambles.
To keep friends we relations, live at a distance.
A pratein deist iz the devil's drummer.
Druckan husbands hez small (ires an rusty fryin-pans.
AN UNACCOUNTABLE PIG.
" You Socrates," said .Mr. Seth Harris, of Poughkeepsie, to his
coloured fellow the other day, "You, Socrates, have you fed the
pigs?" — " Yes massa, me led 'urn,' replied Socrates. " Did you
count them?" — " Yes, massa, me count 'um all but one." "All
but one?'' — " Yes, massa, all but one,— dere lie one little speckle
pig, he frisk about so much me couldn't count him .'"
I\ all societies it is advisable to associate if possible with the
1 test; not that the highest are always the best, but, because if
disgusted there, we can at any time descend ; — bul il we begin with
the lowest, tn a icend is impossible. In the grand theatre of human
life, a liox ticket takes us through the house.
FUN AM) AMUSEMENT 59
WHAT MIGHT BE DONE
What nii^'ht be done if men were wise —
What glorious deeds my suffering brother ;
Would they unite
In love and right,
And cea.se their scorn of one another.
Oppression's heart might he imbued
With kindling drops of loving-kindness,
And knowledge pour
From shore to shore —
Light on the eyes of mental blindness.
All slavery, warfare, lies, and wrongs —
All vice and crime might die together ;
And wine and corn,
To each man born,
Be free as warmth in summer weather.
The meanest wretch that ever trod,
The deepest sunk in guilt and sorrow,
Might stand erect,
In self-respect,
And share the teeming world to-morrow.
What might be done ? This might be done,
And more than this, my sorrowing brother —
More than the tongue
Ever said or sung,
If men were wise and loved each other.
Swift, in passing through the country of Cavan, called at a
homely, hut hospitable house. The Lady Bountiful of the man-
sion, rejoiced to have so distinguished a guest, runs up to him,
and with great eagerness, asks him, what he will have for dinner?
"Will you have an apple pie, sir? Will you have a gooseberry
pie, sir ? Will you have a cherry pie, sir ? Will you have a cur-
rant pie, sir? Will you have a pigeon pie, sir?' "Any pie,
Madam, but a Mag pie."
A Grand Announcement.— A person at Keswick, wanting to
dispose of some bees, to attract purchasers, printed the following
placard : — " Extensive sale of live stock, comprising not less than
one hundred and forty thousand head, with an unlimited right of
pasturage.'' The ingenious trick succeeded to admiration, lor his
"stock" brought high prices.
60
THE BOOK OP
Doctor Mountain, whose wit pleased on all occasions, being
at Court with George II, who liked his company on that account,
news was brought to the King of a vacant bishopric. " I know
not," said his Majesty, "at present to whom I shall give it." Dr.
Mountain instantly ruse, and putting his hand upon his breast,
said: "If thou had'st faith as a grain of mustard seed, thou
would'st say to this Mountain, 'be thou revnoved and cast into the
sea.' — (see.)"
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A PUZZLE _= I "^ a
FOE AN O * -3 2
OLD MAID. c " <d liS
S o Q
§ ^ E Pity the sorrows of a poor old ° =F
who ne'er has laid, In love's sweet g,
to find a mate. Ah! Wedlock's joys
cat, And feed your dog, and make it fat !
c^
V?
A STRAY ADVERTISEMENT.
Wanted, a Aa«f/ to hold my own, as down Life's vale I glide ;
Wanted, an arm to lean upon, for ever by my side.
Wanted, a firm and steady foot, with step secure and free,
To take its straight and onward pace, over Life's path with me.
Wanted, Siform erect and high ; a head above my own
^o much iliaf 1 might walk beneath its shadow o'er me thrown.
Wanted, <m eye, within whose depth mine own might look and see
I prisings from a guileless heart, o'erflown with love for me.
Wanted, a lip, whose kindest smile would speak for me alone;
A voice, Whose richest melody would breathe atlcctiou's tune.
Wanted, a true religious soul, to pious purpose given,
With whom mine own might puss along the road that leads to Heaven.
Home again. — The man who was earned away by his feelings
litis returned stile.
EUN AND AMUSEMENT. 61
HOG AND BACON.
About some eighty or ninety years ago,
(It may be more for what I know)
A man to Newgate safe was sent,
A place where folks too late repent.
His crime was theft, so 'tis reported,
For which he might be hung —
Or, perhaps, transported.
In great suspense he did his trial wait,
Anxious to know whate'er might be his fate,
The dreaded hour at length drew near,
His case to all appeared quite clear ;
He's g-uilty found without delay,
And to the laws his life must pay.
" Hold ! hold, my lord !" the pris'ner then did cry,
" Must your relation on the scaffold die ?"
" Mine !" replied the judge, " fellow, you lie!"
"No, no, my lord, I cannot be mistaken —
My name is'lIOGG, yours, sir, is BACON !"
" Right," said the judge, and then his head he swung,
But HOG is BACON not until its HUNG;
Therefore, until you HANG the usual time—
You no relation, sir, can be of mine I"
THE ROAD TO GLORY.
The road to glory, would cease to he arduous, if it were true
and trodden ; and great minds must he ready not only to take op-
portunities, but to make them. Alexander dragged the Pythian
priestess to the temple, on a forbidden day — She exclaimed, "My
son, thou art invincible," which was oracle enough for him. On
a second occasion, he cut the Gordian knot which others had iu
vain attempted to untie. Those who start for human glory like
the mettled hounds of Actaeon, must pursue the game not only
where there is a path, but where there is none. They must be
able to simulate and dissimulate, to leap and to creep ; to conquer
the earth like Caesar, or to fall down and kiss it like Brutus ; to
throw their sword like Brennus into the trembling scale ; or, like
Nelson, to snatch the laurels from the doubtful hand of victory,
while she is hesitating where to bestow them. That policy that
can strike only while the iron is hot, will be overcome by that per-
severance, which, like Cromwell's, can make the iron hot by strik-
ing ; and he that can only rule the storm, must yield to him who
can both raise and rule it.
62 THE BOOK OF
SAM SLICK HOOKING LUCY'S GOWN.
"Well, just as I was ready to start away, down comes Lucy to
the keepin' room, with both arras behind her head a fixiit' of the
hooks and eyes. ' Man alive,' sais she, 'are you here yet, I thought
you was off gunnin' an hour ago ; who'd a thought you was here ?'
• Gunnin' ?' says I, ' Lucy, my gunnin' is over, I shan't go no
more now, I shall go home ; I agree with you ; shiverin' alone un-
der a wet bush for hours is no fun ; but if Lucy wos there' — ' Get
out,' sais she ' don't talk nonsense, Sam, and just fasten the other
hook and eye of my frock, will you?" She turned round her back
to me. Well, I took the hook in one hand and the eye in the other;
but arth and seas ! my eyes fairly snapped again; 1 never see
such a neck since I was raised. It sprung right out of the breast
and shoulder, full round, and then tapered up to the head like a
swan's, and the complexion would beat the most delicate white
and red rose that ever was seen. Lick, it made me all eyes !" I
jist stood stock still, I couldn't move a linger if I was to die fur it.
' What ails you, Sam,' sais she, ' that you don't hook it?' ' Why,'
sais I, ' Lucy dear, my lingers is all thumbs, that's a fact, I cant'
handle such little things as fast as you can.' ' Well, come,' sais
she, 'make haste, that's a dear, mother will be a comin' directly :'
and at last I shut too both my eyes, and fastened it: and when I
had done, sais I, ' There is one thing, I must say, Lucy.' ' What's
that?' sais she. • That you may stump all Connecticut to show
such an angeliforous neck as you have — I never saw the beat of
it in all my born days — it's the most ' ' And you may stump
the State too,' sais she, ' to produce such another bold, forrard, im-
pellent, onmannerly tongue as you have — so there now — so get
alonjr with you.' "
Materials for a Honeymoon.— Married, lately, Mr. James
Bee to Martha Ann Flower.
Well bath this little busy "Bee"
Improved Life's shining hour;
He gathers homy now ;ill day,
From one Bweef chosen " Flower;"
And from this hive, if Heaven please,
He'll raise a swarm of little " Bees."
A. disappointed old bachelor says, "it makes little difference
whether a man commits suicide or matrimony, in one case lie
1 «i 9 his life, an 1 in the other his influence.''
VVK AN!) AMUSEMENT. 03
Mrs. Partington in Ill-Health.—" La, me !'' sighed Mrs.
Partington, "here have I been sufferin' the begamics of death for
three mortal weeks. Fust, I was seized with a painful phrenology
in the left Hampshire of the brain, which was exceeded by a stop-
page of the left ventilator of the heart. This gave me an infla-
ination in the borax, and now I'm sick with the chloroform mor-
bus. There is no blessin' like that of health, particularly when
you're sick."
DOWN EAST COURTING SCENE.
" Jonathan, do you love boiled beef and dumplings ? " — " Darned
if I don't, Sooke, but a hot dunpliu' ain't nothin' to your sweet,
tarnaJ nice red lips, Sook." — " Oh lor, Jonathan, do hush. — Jon-
athan, diil you read that story about a man being hugged to death
by a bear? "-»-" Guess I did, Sookey, and it made me feel allover-
ish." — " How did you feel, Jonathan V — " Kinder sorter as if I'd
like to hug you e'en amost to death too, you tarnal nice, plump,
elegant little critter, you." — " O lor, now go away, Jonathan." —
" Ah, Sookey, you are such a slick gal." — " Lor, ain't you ashamed,
Jonathan ?" — " I wish I was a nice little ribbon, Sook." — " What
for?" — "Cos maybe you'd tie me round that ere nice little neck of
your'n — and I should like to be tied there, darned if I shouldn't." —
" O lor! there comes mother, Jonathan — run."
Woman's Will. — Dip the Atlantic ocean dry with a tea spoon ;
twist your heel into the toe of your boot; make postmasters per-
form their promises, and subscribers pay the printer ; send up fish-
ing hooks with balloons and iish for stars ; get astride a gossamer
and chase a comet ; when the rain is coming down like the cataract
of Niagara, remember where you left your umbrella ; choke a mus-
quito with a brick bat ; in short, prove all things hitherto considered
impossible to be possible, but never attempt to coax a woman to
say she will, when she has made up her mind to say she won't.
When Dr. Johnson courted Mrs. Potter, whom he afterwards
married, he told her he was of mean extraction, that he had no
money, that he had an uncle hanged. The lady, by way ol' redu-
cing herself to an equality with the doctor, replied, that she had
no more money than himself, and that, though she had not had a
relation hanged, she had fifty who deserved hanging. And thus
was accomplished this very curious affair.
54 THE BOOK OF
The Wits Outwitted.— A party of wits once stopped at a
tavern. When the feast was over, one of the number called
in the hostess. " Angelique," he said, "I am going to give
you a lesson in astronomy. Have you not heard of that great
Platonic year, when everything must return to its first con-
dition ? Know then that, in sixteen thousand years, we shall
be here again, on the same day, and at the same hour. "Will
you give us credit till then ?" The hostess, however, had her
reply. " I am perfectly willing," she retorted, " but it is just
sixteen thousand j-ears since you were here before, and you
left without paying : settle the old score, and I will trust you
on the new/'
Said a gentleman the other day to a servant at the hotel
where he was stopping — " Bless my soul. Sambo, how black
you are ; how in the name of wonder did you get so black ?"
" Why, look'a here, massa, de reason am dis— de day dis child
was born dere was an eclipse." Ebony received a shilling for
his satisfactory explanation, and after grinning thanks, con-
tinued: "I tell you what it is, massa, dis nigger may be
black, but he ain't green, no how."
A gentleman travelling in the West saw a very old man
sitting at the door of a log cabin weeping bitterly. " My
friend," inquired the gentleman, "what is the matter with
you?" "Why," replied the old man, "daddy jist gave me
an awful licking 'cause I wouldn't rock grand-daddy to sleep!''
The gentleman rode off, fully satisfied with the salubrity and
healthiness of the West, to produce such unparalleled
instances of longevity.
A Miracle. — An Irish priest having preached a sermon on
miracles, was asked by one of his congregation, walking
homeward, to explain a little more lucidly what a miracle
meant. " Is it a miracle you want to understand P" said the
priest. " Walk on then there forninst me, and I'll think now
I can explain it to you." The mau walked on, and the |
came behind him and gave him a tremendous kick. " I
roared the Mill'erer; "why did you do 1h.1l?'' "Did you
feel it ?" said the priest. "To be sure 1 did." replied the
unhappy disciple. "Well then, remember this; — it would
have been a " miracle" if you had uot."
TUN AND AMUSEMENT. 65
Delicious. — To have a pretty girl open the front door, and
mistake you for her cousin.
More Delicious. — To have her remain deceived till she has kis-
sed you twice, and hugged the buttons off your coat, exclaiming,
"Ma, here's Chawles.''
Most Delicious. — To favour the mistake until the young lady
discovers it herself, and have a big brother come along the entry,
catch you by the collar, half shake your life out of you, and ask
you what you are doing to his sister, with an agreeable hint at im-
mediate satisfaction.
OLD MAIDS PORTRAYED.
"Be fruitful and multiply, and replenish the earth." — Anti-Multhua,
chap i. verse 28.
"Humble wedlock is better than proud virginity." "The Grecian
ladies counted their age from their marriage, not from their birth."
" An opportunity once lost, may be lost for ever.'' — Proverb from the
Land of Uz.
HEK THERMOMETER.
AGE.
15. Begins to realize different sensations from heretofore — the awaken-
ing- of the tender passion.
1G. Now fully comprehends the design of the other sex having been
created. Feels greatly interested therein.
17. Influenced by the attentions of the other sex, and not at all back-
ward to associate in parties where they preponderate.
18. Fancies herself to be attractive to a handsome young man, feels
love for him, and becomes rather restless. Sentimental poetry
now very agreeable,
19. Talks of love in a cottage, and disinterested affection. Speculates
on what must be the sensation in realizing the maternal affections.
Begins to write love verses.
20. Feels a little important in consequence of being noticed by the
other sex. Studies dress and etiquette to render her still more
engaging.
21. A still greater confidence in her own attractions, and expects to
form a splendid connexion. Treats men in ordinary life with
disdain.
22. Receives a good offer. Confers with her maiden Aunt, who says,
"Reject him, for he is not a man of fashion ;" she acts accord-
ingly-
23. Becomes so eager after conjugal sweets, that she flirts with the
other sex rather indiscriminately.
E
66 THE BOOK OF
24. Wonders she is not married. Others, possessing- far inferior quali-
ties, pass off readily. Thinks it must be for want of discrimina-
tion on the female part, and great indifference to quality on the
male part. At any rate, much irritated about it.
25. Receives an offer from an industrious, handsome artizan. Feels
indignant. Wonders the underling- should dare to look so high,
and resolves she will never look so low. Treats his application
with silent contempt.
26. Convinced she must be more circumspect ; and becomes so from
mere policy. Begins to think a larg-e fortune not so indispensa-
ble. Now prefers the company of rational men to flirting".
27. Receives an offer from a man of wealth, but not handsome. Refers
the matter to Miss Tabby, her maiden Aunt. She says, "Reject
him, and let not beauty, by a golden link, be associated with
ugliness and deformity." She hesitates, but at length sends
him, "No."
28. Wishes to be married in a quiet way, with a comfortable home.
Strongly tempted to comply with the offer of a handsome man,
a widower, with three children. Aunt Tabby again interferes
and forbids it.
29. Tempted to despair of ever entering the married state, but not
willing to give up the attempt.
30. Rather fearful of being eventually called an Old Maid, having
always regarded their ladyships with indescribable horror.
31. Pays more attention than ever to the monthly Magazine of Fasbion,
in order, by means of dress, to make an impression.
32. At halls can obtain none for partners but widowers, and aged
gentlemen. Begins to dislike balls on that account.
33. Wonders how men can leave the society of sensible women to flirt
with chits.
34. Gradually becoming irritable, but affects good humour in her con-
versation with men.
35. Envies the praises bestowed on some of her sex. A tempting offer
from a young man of 18. Old Aunty inquires what she wants
to do with a child ; consequently the oiler lulls to the ground.
36. Quarrels with her dear friend lately married well. Speaks of the
connection disparagingly.
37. Constantly sighing. Almost in despair, thinking herself Blighted
in society. The servant man becomes kind and obliging to her.
She suspects his design ; frowns upon hint, and procures his
dismissal.
88. Delights to talk about her acquaintances who are married uncom-
fortably. Affects to praise single-blessedness. What troubles
tve escape !
39. Ill nature on the increase. Her peevishness renders her disagi
able to her immediate associates. Called an old maid lor the
first time, which marly breaks her heart.
FUN AND AMUSEMENT. 67
40. The tender passion reviving:, lias recourse to every improvement
in dress, and that important appendage, the bussel. The chin,
however, rather furzy ; compelled to use the tweezers occasionally.
41. If rich, as a dernier resort, makes love to a young man not rich ;
or if not rich, is not reluctant to nurse an old man.
42. Not succeeding in her wish, she rails against mankind, and talks
of marriage as vanity.
43. Very meddling; and officious. Partiality for gossiping; and scan-
dal commences.
44. Gives vexation to all around her, being extremely fastidious. Her
company often shunned, on account of the acids of her temper.
45. The tend( r passion again revives. — Strong; predilections for a
Methodist parson. Advances are made accordingly.
4G. Enraged at his desertion, and denounces his reverence as a hypo-
crite disguised in parsonic attire.
47. Becomes desponding. Cannot bear to think of "All's lost now !"
Commences taking- snuff, and occasionally "daffy," as a "Re-
divivus."
48. Turns all her sensibility to cats and dogs, of which she has become
extremely fond.
49. Adopts a dependant relative to attend her feline and canine race.
50. Becomes disgusted with the world, and vents all her ill humour
on her unfortunate relative.
%* And then she ends her eccentric race,
With disappointment upon her face ;
Excusing herself, when she's to blame,
For never having changed her name!
HER FORTRAIT.
Let Naturalists say what they will of our tribe,
There's one sort of beings the Muse must describe,
Whose habits and manners eccentric and queer,
To a sensible mind must ever appear : —
A queer sort of creature, indeed, they all are,
And oft may be seen in a fancy bazaar,
In search of some toy to divert their attention,
From sad disappointment of late intervention.
In youth they are whimsical, haughty, and scornful,
And as they grow old, become peevish and mournful.
Their life from beginning to end, you will find,
Resembles the weathercock turn'd by the wind.
When gents their addresses would pay to these things,
With scissors of scorn they clip Cupid his wings;
Though sometimes are known to be under his smart,
With one of his arrows stuck fast in their heart ;
But fill'd with conceit, independence, and pride,
They jeer, and they sneer, and their suitors deride ;
68 the book or
And when they might get a good husband, despise,
A man perhaps just for the cast of his eyes.
Musing, excusing, refusing, abusing, —
To see their grimaces is really amusing ;
They spring, and they swing, and they sing as if young,
And talk so precise with their delicate tongue.
They stare, and they flare, and declare they are fair,
They comb and they curl, and they perfume their hair.
They clatter, and chatter, and flatter and fly,
They shrink, and they blink, and they wink with their eey
Scouting, and flouting, and pouting,
Fiddling, and diddling, and riddling,
Hoaxing and coaxing, entreating and greeting,
Striving, conniving, contriving, and meeting,
Fluttering, and stuttering, and muttering,
Scraping, and aping, and shaping.
They cringe and infringe on the good laws of nature,
By stretching their bodies to make themselves greater ;
To make themselves tidy and small in their waist,
They dress with much taste, and are lac'd and encas'd
In very tight stays, and their ways would amaze
The wisest of men, — but they forfeit their praise !
Their actions are fractions of loving attractions,
But never amounting to marriage contractions.
They fret and are wet with their tears of regret,
And wish that they never had acted the pet,
Their shyness, and dryness, and highness with men,
They now are repenting. Alas ! and what then ?
They sigh for the days that will never return,
For the bright flame of love has now ceased to burn !
Then when the Stingy maid grows old,
And giddy youth is past ;
Wheafijlif years their tale have told,
She then repents at last !
When she becomes an odd old woman,
And finds a warming friend in no man,
She's rickety, gouty, and rheumy, now see !
Loves bed, and herself, and her tattle, and tea.
A Lap-dog she gets, her odd fancy to pli ase,
And feeds it, and leads it, anil keeps it at ease,
And a nice tabby cat with a collar oi red,
To eat at her table, and sleep on her bed.
She rails at the males, and knows no) what she ails,
Groping, and moping, and telling her tales!
Cramping and stamping, and hating mankind,
Howling, and growling, and SOOWling, half-blind
She's imiffy, and fuffy, and snuffy, and gruffy,
FUN AND AMUSEMENT. 69
Hutchy, and crutchy, and stupid , and touchy.
The dame has her name, the same as it came,
Unalter'd by wedlock, unheeded by fame !
And now she pets old, her infirmities prow,
And her hair changes fast to the cast of the snow.
'Tis pain to remain, — 'tis in vain to complain,
Or wish for her time to spend over again.
Despairing, and caring, and sharing the fate,
Which falls to old maids that have never a mate.
She sighs, and she cries, with her spectacled eyes ;
In anguish to languish — and then when she dies,
Sad groans, and deep moans, and old bones, and cold stones,
Terminate the old maid with her sorrowful tones !
Nobody mourns her, and nobody sighs,
Nobody pities her, nobody cries,
For nobody grieves when an old maid dies.
Now, ladies, believe me, for this is the life,
That is led by a maid who is never a wife.
And this is the state she is found in at last,
When her gloomy and whimsical life is past.
Population for years has been known to augment,
Three she's to two he's! — all the she's must lament !--
Thow off your odd whims, ere your beauty shall fade,
And tremble to think you may die an OLD MAID !
^ ^.^ V J ^y N. .
" If there is anybody under the canister of heaven that I have
in utter excresence," says Mrs. Partington, "it is a tale-bearer and
slanderer, going about like a vile boa constructor, circulating his
camomile about honest folks. I always know one by his phisma-
hogony. It seems as if Belzabob had stamped him with his pri-
vate signal, and every thing he looks at appears to turn yaller."
And having uttered this somewhat elaborate speech, she was seized
with a violent fit of coughing, and called for some demulcent drops.
A young man said recently, in rather a pert way to the Rev.
Dr. C, " Dr. what is the difference between this pussyism they
talk so much about, and puppyism ?"— " Puppyism," replied the
Doctor, "is founded on dogmatism, and pussyism on the catechism."
A rapid and emphatic recital of the following simple narrative
is an infallible cure for lisping:— " Hobbs meets Snobbs and
Nobbs: Hobbs bobs to Snobbs and Nobbs; Hobbs nobs with
Snobbs and robs Nobbs' fobs. ' This is,' says Nobbs, ' the worst
of Hobbs' jobs,' and Snobbs sob*."
70 THE BOOK OF
A Fool's Decision —A poor beggar in Paris being very
hungry, stayed so long in a cook's shop that his stomach was
satisfied with only the smell thereof. The choleric, covetous
cook demanded of him to pay for his breakfast. The poor man
denied it, and it was referred to the decision of the next man
that should pass by, who chanced to be a most notorious
idiot. He determined that the poor man's money should
be put betwixt empty dishes, and the cook be recompensed
by its jingling, as he was satisfied with only the smell of the
cook's meat. — Fuller.
" Say, nigga, cum and hab de pleasure ob a dinin' wid your mos
humble serpent, wont you, heh ?" — " Wy, look here, Sam — I'se not
particularly in my sosiashuns; but I wish to know fus before I vail
myself ob your perlite imptimashun, whar you hab your lodgjins?"
— " No difference, nigga, whar I lodge. I don't ax you to sleep wid
me — but only to eat dinner in a greeable sociability.
A FllZZled Irishman. — Mr. 0' Flaherty undertook to tell how
many were at a party: — " The two Grogans was one, meself was
two, Mike Finn was three, and — and — who the mischief was the
fourth? Let me see," counting his fingers, " The two Grogans was
one, Mike Finn was two, meself was three, and — be dad ! there was
four of us ; but St. Patrick couldn't tell the name of the other. Now,
it's meself that has it. Mike Finn was one, the two Grogans was
two, meself was three, and — and — be the powers, I think there was
but three of us, after all."
A SHARP CUT.
A shrewd son of the soil was once sent to the house of a
Yorkshire farmer on his master's business, and, as the good
old custom goes there, he had a hearty drinking set before
him ; but still one part of the refreshment was a puzzle for
Luke, being different from any thing that he had ever seen
before, viz., a whole Hutch cheese. How to begin of it Luke
was at no small loss to imagine. The master, however, pop-
ping in just al the moment, Luke, in a tone of apparent sim-
plicity, said ' It's varry Like a fooit-ball, this, maister: where-
ivver am e ta cut it?' 'Cut it 1 why,' exclaimed the farmer
in the midst of a hearty crack of laughter, 'out it where you
like, my man.' • Wha, then, responded Luke, with a smile,
and popping tl heese under bis left arm, a'lewfit at hoame,
if yo nleaze, maister'
FUN AND AMUSEMENT. 71
"Timothy Maguire," said Patrick, "now ye say that coat
belongs to yerself intirely ; 1 say it is me own. Now, mind ye,
Timothy, the both iv us will take the coat an' look it all over ; the
man that finds his name on it shall be the owner. Will ye stick
to that bargain ?" asked Patrick. " To be sure," said Timothy,
to whom the coat was given, and who vainly searched every part
for his name, and then it passed over to Patrick, boastingly saying ;
"And now lit us see if you can be findin' the likes iv yer own
name upon the garment.'' " Do ye agree to that ? said Patrick,
eagerly grasping the coat. " Upon the honour iv a man," was
Timothy's reply. " Then howld on a bit,'' said Patrick, as he
drew his knife and opened a corner in the collar, and taking there-
from two very small peas, he exclaimed, as he held them out in
his hand: " There, d'ye see that?' "Yes; but what is that?"
said Timothy. " A mighty dale it has to do wid it ; it is me name
to be sure — pea for Patrick, and pea for Power be jabes !" So Pat-
rick got the coat.
Dean Swift's barber one day told him that he had taken a pub-
lic-house. ' And what's your sign ?' said the dean. ' Oh, the pole
and basin ; and if your worship would just write me a few lines to
put upon it, by way of motto, I have no doubt but it would bring
me plenty of customers.' The dean took out his pencil and wrote
me following couplet, which long graced the barber's sign :
" Rave not from pole to pole, but step in here,
Where nought excels the shavin<r but the beer."
Matrimony and Friendship. — The natur of matrimony is
one thing, and the natur of friendship is another. A tall man
likes a short wife ; a great talker likes a silent woman — for both
can't talk at once. A gay man likes a domestic gal — for be can
leave her at home to nuss children and make pap, while he is
enjoyin' himself at parties. A man that ain't any music in him,
likes it in his spouse, and so on. It chimes beautiful, for they
aint in each other's way. Now, friendship is the other way -, you
must like the same things, to like each other and be friends. A
similarity of tastes, studies, pursuits, and recreations (what they
call congenial souls) ; a toper for a toper, a smoker for a smoker,
a horse-racer for a horse-racer, a prize-fighter for a prize-fighter
— and so on. Matrimony likes contrasts; friendship seeks its
own counterparts.
72
THE BOOK OF
THE CAT-EATER.
Tho' facts will swell as stories fly,
'Till truth outstretch'd becomes a lie,
The tell-tale here no leg-end frames,
Which more than moderate credence claims;
Nor, bouncer-like, a fiction broaches,
For those who swallow lies like loaches :
Nor sceptre dreads whose scowling eye
At aught uncommon darts a lie ;
So can this tale, whose heart's at quiet,
Believe it, doubt it, or deny it.
John Trot, a homespun country put,
Jack Sly, one morning-, met full butt ;
Who, starting-, stared, and stammering- sam —
"Lord! Juh! Juh! Juhn ! why, arn't you dead ?"
" Dead ! whoy ?" says John—" Dear heart," quoth Sly,
" Don't rave, I'll tell the reason why :
Dick Bam declares, who saw the sight,
You eat up three loive cats last night."
"Eat three live cats," quoth John, " odd rot it!
Proime news — I wonder where he got it.
But I'll soon foind ;" so speeds to Bam,
Who flatly swore 'twas all a flam ;
"I couldn't say," quoth Dick, " that you
Had eat three live cats— 'twas but two."
"Two, i'the nuame and who
Has told," says Trot, "this teale to you ?"
"Bob Banter." "0, he did," quoth John,-
"I'll make him change his note anone :"
So hies to Banter all agog-,
Whom thus he greets, " You slandering dog,
Who reake up lies to gull the flats,
Did I last neit eat two loive cats ?"
"Two," replies Banter, "that's rare fun,
E;it me if 1 Baid more than one." —
"Than one, and hang it, why nay that?
Why say ili.it 1 eal ■•one" loive cal .'"
"Your brother told me so," ,s;iys liob;
"If so," says J, ,1m, "I'll jolt liis knob."
So off went Cain in search of Abel,
With mind whose index lack'd bo label,
As frowning' brow and Hashing eye,
To John'* intent ne'er gave the lie ;
and had he then met Tom, his brother,
mig hi bare l< irell'd one or t'other I
But fortunately, John, thus fool'd,
FUN AND AMUSEMENT. 73
No brother found till passion cool'd ;
When lighting then on tattling Tom,
He cried, — " Where's got thee that teale from ?
Plague o' thy tongue, thou foul-inouth'd brat,
That I last neit gobb'd up a eat '.'"
"A cat !" cries Tom, your spluttering spare,
A puss, I said — a fine large hare,
Mother herself here told me that."
" You lie, you rouge, nor hare nor cat,"
Quoth Old Dame Trot—" Now donna blab it,
I only said John eat a rabbit,
And that's a truth, I'll pledge my life,
And here's my author — John's own wife."
When John's meek spouse demurely rose,
And cried — " Good friends, this contest close ;
For sure as women breed by marriage,
Stories will always breed in carriage ;
And tho' three cats, of English breed,
'Tis said poor John dispatch'd with speed,
John supp'd, as oft he'd done before,
On a welch rabbit — nothing more !"
HOW TO COOK A HUSBAND.
As Mrs. Glass said of the hare, you must first catch him.
Having done so, the mode of cooking him, so as to make a good
dish of him, is as follows :— Many good husbands are spoiled in
the cooking ; some women go about it as if their husbands were
bladders, and blow them up. Others keep them constantly in hot
water, while others freeze them by conjugal coldness. Some smo-
ther them with hatred, contention, and variance, and some keep
them in pickle all their lives. These women always serve them
up with tongue sauce. Now it cannot be supposed that husbands
will be tender and good if managed in this way. But they are,
on the contrary, very delicious when managed as follows: — Get a
large jar, called the jar of carefulness (which all good wives have
on hand,) place your husband in it, and set him near the fire of
conjugal love ; let the fire be pretty hot but especially let it be clear
— above all let the heat be constant. Cover him over with affection,
kindness, and subjection. Garnish with modest, becoming famili-
arity, and the spice of pleasantry ; and if you have kisses an 1
other confectionaries, let them be accompanied with a suflicont
portion of secrecy, mixed with prudence and moderation. We
would advise alf good wives to try this receipt, and realize how
admirable a husband is when properly coked.
74 THE BOOK OF
Noble and Witty Reply.— In 1561, Philip I. sent the young
Constable de Castile to Rome, to congratulate Sextus the V., on
his advancement. The Pope immediately said — "Are there so
few men in Spain, that your King sends me one without a beard !''
" Sir," said the fierce Spaniard, "if his Majesty possessed the least
idea that you imagined merit lay in a beard, he would have depu-
ted a goat to you, not a gentleman."
SAGACITY OF THE DOG.
The following (in my opinion) extraordinary anecdote of the
sagacity of the dog, was related to me by a game-keeper to a cer-
tain noble Lord, in whose word I can place the strictest reliance.
Here it is verbatim : ' One day I was out shooting towards M ,
which is, as you know, three miles hence, and in going through a
thick wood on my return, I lost my powder flask, a very large one,
which I never discovered till I had arrived home. I then took out
a dog, in whose sagacity I placed the greatest reliance, and after
rubbing my hand in the pocket of my shooting jacket, gave it him
to smell, and then pointing towards the place where I had lost it,
said, ' now, you go find.' The creature set off immediately, and in
about three hours returned with the flask in his mouth, which was
bleeding, from its weight, and the long way which he had to carry
it.'
CURIOUS RHYMES
What is earth, sexton? — A place to dig graves;
What i.s earth, rich men? — A place to work slaves;
"What is earth, gray-beard? — A place to grow old ;
What is earth, miser ? — A place to dig gold ;
"What is earth, school-boy? — A place for my play;
What i.s earth, maiden?â €” A place to be gay ;
What is earth, seamstress?— A place where I weep ;
What is earth, sluggard ? — A good place to sleep ;
What is earth, soldier? — A place for a battle ;
What is earth, herdsmen I — A place to raise cattle?
What is earth, widow? — A place of true Borrow;
What is earth, tradesman? — I'll tell you to-morrow;
What i- earth, sick man .' — 'Tis nothing to me ;
What is earth, sailor . : ' — My home is the sea ;
What is earth, statesman .' -A place to win Game;
What i^ i a i ill, an i inn- .' — I'll write there my name;
What i.s earth, monaroh .' — For my realm 'tis given ;
What is earth, Christian .' — The gateway of Heaven.
TUN AND AMUSEMENT. 75
YANKEE COURTSHIP.
After my sleigh-ride last winter, and the slippery trick I was
6erved by Patty Bean, nobody would suspect me of hankering after
the women again in a hurry. To hear me jump and swear, and rail
out against the whole feminine gender, you would have taken it for
granted that I should never so much as look at one of them again to
all eternity. but I was wicked ! " Tear out their eyes," says I,
" blame their skins, and torment their hearts ;" finally, I took an oath,
that if I ever meddled, or had anything to do with them again, I might
be hung and choked.
But swearing off from women, and then going into a meeting-house
choke full of gals, all shining: and glistening- in their Sunday clothes
and clean faces, is like swearing off from liquor and going into a grog
shop — it's all smoke.
I held out and kept firm to my oath three whole Sundays— forenoons,
afternoons, and intermissions complete. On the fourth, there were
strong symptoms of a change of weather. A chap about my size was*
seen on the way to the meeting-house, with a new patent hat on ;
his head hung by the ears upon a shirt-collar ; his cravat had a pudding
in it, and branched out in front into a double-bow knot. He carried a
straight back and a stiff neck, as a man ought to do when he has his
best clothes on ; and every time he spit, he sprang his body forward
like a jack-knife, in order to shoot clear of the ruffles.
Squire Jones's pew is next but two to mine, and when I stand up to
prayers, and take my coat-tail under my arm, and turn my back to
the minister, I naturally look right straight at Sally Jones. Now Sally
has got a face not to be grinned at in a fog. Indeed, as regards beau-
ty, some folks think she can pull an even yoke with Patty Bean. For
my part, I think there is not much boot between them. Any how,
they are so high matched that they have hated and despised each other
like rank poison, ever since they were school-girls.
Squire Jones had got his evening fire on, and set himself down to
reading the great Bible, when he heard a rap at his door. ' Walk in.
Well, John, how der do ? Get out Pompey !' — 'Pretty well, I thank
ye, Squire, and how do you do V ' Why, so as to be crawling— ye
ugly beast, will ye hold your yop ? Hail up a chair and sit down,
John.'
' How do you do, Mrs Jones?' '0, middlin' ; how's yer marm?
Don't forget the mat there, Mr. Beedle.' This put me in mind that I
had been off soundings several times in the long muddy lane ; and my
boots were in a sweet pickle.
It was now old captain Jones's turn, the grandfather. Being roused
from a doze, by the bustle and racket, he opened both his eyes at first
with wonder and astonishment. At last he began to halloo so loud
that you might hear him a mile ; for he takes it for granted that every
body is just exactly as deaf as he is.
76 THE BOOK OP
'Who is it? I say, who in the world is it?' Mrs. Jones going
close to his ear, screamed out, " It's Johnny Beedle.' — ' Ho, Johnny
Beedle, I remember he was one summer at the siege of Boston.' —
* No, no, father, bless your heart, that was his grandfather, that's
been dead and g-one this twenty years.' — ' Ho ; but where does he
come from?' 'Daon taon.' — ' And what does he follow for a livin' '?'
And he did not stop asking questions, after this sort, till all the par-
ticulars of the Beedle family were published and proclaimed in Mrs.
Jones's last screech. He then sunk back into his doze agaiu.
The dog stretched himself before one handiron ; the cat squat down
upon the other. Silence came on by degrees like a calm snow storm,
till nothing was heard but a cricket under the hearth, keeping- tune
with a sappy yellow birch forestick. Sally sat up prim, as if she were
pinned to the chair-back — her hands crossed genteelly upon her lap,
and her eyes looked straight into the fire. Mammy Jones tried to
6t)-aighten herself too, and laid her hands across in her lap ; but they
would not lie still. It was full twenty-four hours since they had done
any work, and they were out of patience with keeping Sunday. Do
what she would to keep them quiet, they would bounce up now and
then, and go through the motions in spite of the fourth commandment.
For my part, I sat looking very much like a fool. The more I tried
to say something, the more my tongue stuck fast. I put my right leg
over the left, and said 'hem.' Then I changed, and put the left over
the right. It was no use, the silence kept coming on thicker and
thicker. The drops of sweat began to crawl over me. I got my eye
upon my hat, hanging on a peg, on the road to the door — and then I
eved the door. At this moment, the old captain all at once sung out,
'Johnny Beedle !' It sounded like a clap of thunder, and I started
right up on end.
'Johnny Beedle, you'll never handle such a drumstick as your fathei
did, if yer live to the age of Methusaler. He would toss up his drum-
stick, and while it was whirlin' in the air, take oiF a gill er rum, and
then ketch it as it come down, without losin' a stroke in the tune.
What dye think of that, ha? But skull your chair round, close er
long-side o' me, so yer can hear. Now, what have you come a'ti r ." — 'I
after? 0, jest takin' a walk.* — 'Pleasant walkin', I guess.' — 'I mean
jest to see how you all do.' — 'Ho ! That's another lie. You've come
a-courtiu', Johnny Beedle — you're a'ter our Sal. Say, now, d'ye want
to marry, or only to court ?'
This was what I call a choker. Poor Sally made but one jump, an 1
landed in the middle of the kitchen ; and then she Bkulked into the dark
â– Id man, after laughing himself in a whooping' cough,
was put to bed.
â– came apples and cider ; and the ice being broke, plenty chat
with Mammy Jon listerand the 'aarn ' i agreed
with Imt lo a nicety upon all the points ol doctrine ; l"it I had foi
test, and all the heads ol the discourse but six. Then she teased
TUN AND AMUSEMENT.
77
and tormented me to tell who I accounted the best singer in the gal-
lery that day. But, mum— there was no fretting that out of me.
'Praise to the face is often disgrace,' says I, throwing a sly squint at
Sally.
At last, Mrs. Jones lighted t'other candle; and after charging Sally
to look well to the tire, she led the way to bed, and the Squire gathered
up his shoes and stockings and followed.
Sally and I were left sitting a good yard apart, honest measure.
For fear of getting tongue tied again, I set right in with a steady
stream of talk. I told her all the particulars about the weather that
was ]>:ist, and also some pretty 'cute guesses at what it was likely to be
in future. At first I gave a hitch up with my chair at every full stop.
Then, growing- saucy, I repeated it at every comma and semi-colon ;
and at last it was, hitch, hitch, hitch, and I planted myself fast by her
side.
' I vow, Sally, you looked so plaguy handsome to-day that I wanted
to eat you up.' — ' Pshaw, git along with you,' says she. My hand
had crept along, Bomehow upon its fingers, and began to scrape ac-
quaintance with hers. She sent it home again with a desperate jerk.
'Try it agin' — no better luck. ' Why, Miss Jones, you're gettin' up-
stropulous — a little old maidish, I guess.' 'Hands off is fair play,
Mr. Reedle.'
It is a good sign to find a girl sulky. I knew where the shoe
pinched. It was that 'ere Patty Bean business. So I went to work
to persuade her that I had never had any notion after Patty, and to prove
it I fell to running her down at a great rate. Sally could not help
chiming in with me, and I rather guess Miss Patty suffered a few. I
now not only got hold of her hand without opposition, but managed to
Blip an arm round her waist. But there was no satisfying me — so I must
go to poking out my lips after a buss. I guess I rued it. She fetched
me a slap on the face that made me see stars, and my ears rung
like a brass kettle for a quarter of an hour. I was forced to laugh at
the joke, though out of the wrong side of my mouth, which gave my
lace something- the look of a grid-iron.
The battle now began in the regular way. 'Ah, Sally, give me a
kiss and have done with it.' — 'No I won't, so there, nor tech to.' —
• I'll take it whether or no.' — ' Do it, if you dare.' And at it we went,
rough and tumble. An odd destruction of starch now commenced. The
bow of my cravat was squat up in half a shake. At the next bout,
smash went shirt collar, and at the same time, some of the head fasten-
ings gave way, and down came Sally's hair in a flood like a mill-dam
broke loose, carrying away half-a-dozen combs. One dig of Sally's
elbow, and my blooming ruffles wilted down into a dish-cloth. But
she had no time to boast. Soon her neck tackling began to shiver ;
it parted at the throat, and whorah, came a whole shoal of blue and
•white beads scampering and running races every which way about the
floor.
78 THE BOOK OF
By the liokey, if Sally Jones isn't real grit, there's no snakes. She
fought fair, however, I must own, and neither tried to hite or scratch ;
and when she could fight no longer, for want of breath, she yielded
handsomely.
The upshot of the matter is, I fell in love with Sally Jones, head
over ears. Every Sunday night, rain or shine, finds me rapping at
Squire Jones's door, and twenty times have I been within a hair's
breadth of popping the question. But now I have made a final re-
solve ; and if I live till next Sunday night, and I don't get choked in
the trial, Sally Jones will hear thunder !
PROVERBS.
Its better ta lay e bed all day then get up soin ta backbite a nabor.
A sly drinker goaze t'back way tut cherch yard.
A bad tooith iz better than a bad tongue.
Its better ta be wethaght knife, then bev no bread.
One wife's plenty, but one an a mistriss al ruin onny man.
A pop-shop doar duzant need a rapper.
When a king swears its sed the devil laughs.
A grease-horn is brother to an hypocrite.
Nivver want credit when yo can pay ready money.
Futility of Pride, — Alexander the Great seeing Diogenes
looking attentively at a large collection of human bones piled one
upon another, asked the philosopher what he was looking for. ' I
am searching,' said Diogenes, ' for the bones of your father, but I
cannot distinguish them from those of his slaves.'
Mr. Rees, a well-known street preacher, was accosted by a would-
be wag the other day, and questioned as follows : —
" Do you believe what the Bible says about the Prodigal Son
and the 'fatted calf?"— " Certainly 1 do."
" Well, can you tell me whether the call that was killed was
a male or female calf?" — "Yes, it was a female calf."
" How do you know that?'' — " Because," said llees, looking the
chap in the lace, " I see the male is alive now."
A Greek Maid being asked what fortune she would bring her
husband, replied — " I will bring him what gold cannot purchase
a heart unspotted, and virtue without a stain, which is all that
to me from nv parents.' 1
FUN AND AMUSEMENT. 79
DOMESTIC ASIDES ;
OR TRUTH IN PARENTHESIS.
' I really take it very kind,
This visit, Mrs. Skinner !
I have not seen you such an age—
(The wretch has come to dinner !)
'Your daughters, too, what loves of girls —
What heads for painters' easels !
Come here and kiss the infant, dears—
(And give it p'rhaps the measles !')
' Your charming- boys, I see, are home
From Reverend Mr. Russell's ;
'Twas very kind to bring- them both —
(What boots for my new Brussels !')
What ! little Clara left at home P
Well, now, I call that shabby :
I should have loved to kiss her so—
(A. flabby, dabby, babby !')
'And Mr. S., I hope he's well,
Ah ! though lie lives so handy,
He never, now, drops in to sup —
(The better for our brandy !')
' Come, take a seat — I long to hear
About Matilda's marriage ;
You're come, of course, to spend the day ! —
(Thank Heav'n, I hear the carriage !')
' What, must you go ? next time I hope
You'll give me longer measure ;
Nay — I shall see you down the stairs—
(With most uncommon pleasure !')
' Good bye ! good bye ! remember all,
Next time you'll take your dinners !
(Now, David, mind I'm not at home
In future to the Skinners I')
Sweet Innocent. — The husband of a beautiful wife, upon re-
turniug home, was met by one of his offspring, all smiles, clapping
his bands and saying, " Pa, Mr. B — has been here, he's such a
nice man — he kissed us all round, and mother too !"
An affectionate Irishman once enlisted in the 75th regiment,
in order to be near his brother, who was a corporal in the 76th.
80 THE BOOK OF
THE ZICZAC AND THE CROCODILE.
On one occasion I saw, a lcng way off, a large crocodile, twelve
or fifteen feet long, lying asleep under a perpendicular bank, about
ten feet high, on the margin of the river. I stopped the boat at
some distance, and noting the place as well as 1 could, I took a
circuit inland, and came down cautiously to the top of the bank,
whence with a heavy rifle I made sure of my ugly game. I had
already cut off his head in imagination, and was considering
whether it should be stuffed with its mouth open or shut. I peep-
ed over the bank : there he was, within ten feet of the rifle. I
was on the point of firing at his eye, when I observed that he was
attended by a bird called a ziczac. It is of the plover species, of
a grayish colour, and as large as a small pigeon. The bird was
walking up and down, close to the crocodile's nose. I suppose I
moved, for suddenly it saw me ; and instead of flying away, as any
respectable bird would have done, it jumped up about a foot from
the ground, screamed ' ziczac !' 'ziczac !' with all the powers of its
voice, and dashed itself against the crocodile's face two or three
times. The great beast started up, and immediately spying its
danger, made a jump into the air; and dashing into the water
with a splash which covered me with mud, he dived into the river,
and disappeared. The ziczac, to my increased admiration, proud
apparently of having saved his friend, remained walking up and
down, uttering his cry, as I thought, with an exulting voice, and
standing every now and then on the tips of his toes in a conceited
manner, which made me justly angry with his impertinence. After
having waited in vain for some time to see whether the crocodile
would come out again, I got up from the bank where 1 was lying,
threw a clod of earth at the ziczac, and came back to the boat,
feeling some consolation for the loss of my game in having wit-
nessed a circumstance, the truth of which has been disputed by
several writers on natural history. — Curzon's Visits to Monasteries
in the Levant.
When Baxter was on one occasion brought before Judge Jef-
feries, ' Richard,' said the brutal chief justice, 'I see a rogue in
thy lace.' 'I had not known before,' replied Baxter, 'that my
lace was a mirror.'
The Obtuse Boy. — 'I say, hoy, stop that ox!' 'I haven't got
no stopper, sir.' ' Well, head hiui then.' 'He's already headed,
sir.' 'Confound your impertinenci . turn him !' 'He's right side
mit already, sir.' 'Speak to him you raseal, you!' 'Good morn-
ing, Mr. < '.\.'
FUN AND AMUSEMENt. 81
Smiles.— Oh ! what a sight there is in that word — smile — for
it changes colour like a chameleon. There's a vacant smile, a
cohl smile, a satiric smile, a smile of hate, an affected smile, a
smile of approbation, a friendly smjle ; but above all, a smile of
love. A woman has two smiles that an angel might envy— the
smile that accepts the lover before words are uttered, and the
smile that lights on the lirst-born baby, and assures him of a mo-
ther's love.
THE PUZZLE OF ONE.
,eno eb llahs ew yad enO
,efil dna traeh ni eno
,toc teews eno ni llewd llahs
; etiw dna nam eb yad eno
,neht su tsaef llahs draob eno
; daefa ruo tser lliw deb eno
eb ew llahs yppah dna
! deirram era ew nehw
,tsrif eht ta llahs ebab eno
,evol laibunnoc ruo laes
,stnalp evilo ekil ,erom neht
! evom elbat ruo dnuora
,tseuqer eno ym raeh neht
; em tub esle eno on evol
,tselb em ekam nac esle eno on rof
! eeht tub evol eno read yM
NEGLECTING THE ANTECEDENT.
Some very whimsical instances of this occur continually, especi
ally in the answers of witnesses when given literally as they speak.
In a late assault case the prosecutor swore that ' the prisoner struck
him with a broom on his head till he broke the top of it!' In
narrating an incident some time since, it was stated that a poor
old woman was run over by a cart aged sixty. So in a case of
supposed poisoning: ' He had something in a blue paper in his
hand, and I saw him put his head over the pot, and put it in ! '
Another, swallowing a base coin: 'He snatched the half-crown
from the boy, which he swallowed ;' which seems to mean the boy,
not the money. An old fellow, who for many years sold combus-
tible matches in London, had the following cry : ' Buy a penny-
worth of matches of a poor old man made of foreign wood !' — New
York Christmas Bell.
82 THE BOOK OF
YOUR SWEETHEART.
Who is that you often sigh for,
Whose good opinion oft you try for,
Who is it you would live and die for p
Your Sweetheart.
Who is it that you long to greet,
Yet fear her more with terror sweet,
Than any else you ever meet ?
Your Sweetheart.
Who is it gives you hope to-day,
To-morrow drives that hope away,
And tortures by unkind delay ?
Your Sweetheart.
Yet who, pray let me ask again,
Will yield to all your wishes when
She knows you're worthiest of men ?
Your Sweetheart.
Who is it makes you lie awake,
Perhaps all night until day-break,
Making both head and heart to ache ?
Your Sweetheart.
Who's she on whom you should not ponder,
Who sits at church i' the gallery yonder,
But to whose pew your thoughts will wander?
Your Sweetheart.
From whom do you get stolen glances,
Which pierce you through like flying' lances,
Which pay you back again — the chance is?
Your Sweetheart.
When you had " popped the question" to her,
Who, at that moment, on her wooer,
Look'd sweeter than you ever knew her?
Your .Sweetheart.
Whom have you stiived for all your life,
Until you won her to your wife,
Thus ending all this loving strife P
Your Sweetheart.
A lady consulted Mr. Aberncthy. • You know my usual fee?
said be. Two guineas were instantly laid on the table, lie put
them in his pocket, and pulling forth a sixpence, put it into her
hand : ' There,' said he, 'go and buy a Bkipping-rope, for all your
illness proceeds from want of exercise.'
FUN AND AMUSEMENT. 83
A Precocious Youth.— 'We were rusticating a few days since
at a farm-house,' says a western editor, 'and invited a young lady
to favour us with a tune on the piano. Her luusic-hook being in
the adjoining room, her brother, a young gent, of some fourteen
summers, was requested to go for it. Alter the lapse of a few
moments, he returned, and placed an egg on the music-stand. On
being asked what that was for, he replied, that it was the ' lay of
the last minstrel,' and that the composer was singing in honour of
her production in the fowl-house.'
A Sharp Thief of the Olden Time.— The following auda-
cious robbery was committed at an apothecary's in Princes street:
A fellow went in at the private door, which happened to be open,
walked up stairs, packed up the bed, mattress, and all the bedding
and furniture of the bed, and came softly down stairs with it ; by an
accident his foot slipped in the passage, as he was going out, and the
load fell from his head. The noise brought out the apothecary:
'Heyday, friend!' says he,' What are you doing there?' 'Sir,' replied
the man, without the least hesitation, ' I have brought home the bed
and bedding you purchased to-day at the auction.' ' I purchased
a bed at an auction !' was the answer, ' I was at no auction, nor
have I bought a bed.' ' I am sure,' returned the fellow, ' my mas-
ter told me it was at an apothecary's — or perhaps he might say it
was near an apothecary's — I am sorry for the mistake, sir, and I
beg you will be so good as to help me up again with my load,
that I may carry it to the right place.' The apothecary very civilly
did as he was desired, and the man marched off with his prize.
But lo ! when the apothecary and his wife withdrew to bed at
night, all that presented itself to their view was a naked four-post
bedstead, and the person robbed discovered that he had literally
assisted in the robbing of himself.
Seven Fools.— The angry man — who sets his own house on fire
in order that he may burn that of his neighbour. The envious man
— who cannot enjoy life because others do. The robber — who for the
consideration of a lew pounds, gives the world liberty to hang him.
The hypochondriac — whose highest happiness consists in render-
ing himself miserable. The jealous man — who poisons his own
banquet, and then eats of it. The miser — who starves himself to
death, in order that his heir may feast. The slanderer — who tells
tales for the sake of giving his enemy an opportunity to prove him
a liar.
84 TIIE BOOK OF
Upon coming into the office, the other day, we asked an ancient
P. D. his rule of punctuation. Said he — 'I set up as long as I
can hold my breath, then put in a comma ; when I gape 1 insert
a semicolon ; when I sneeze a colon ; and when I want to take
another chew of tobacco, I insert a period.' We cannot withhold
these rules, so admirable in their simplicity, from the public
THE PILGRIMS AND THE PEAS.
A brace of sinners for no good
Were order'd to the Virgin Mary's shrine ;
Who at Loretto dwelt in wax, stone, wood,
And in a fair white wig look'd wond'rous fine.
Fifty long miles had those sad rogues to travel,
With something in their shoes much worse than gravel ;
In short, their toes so gently to amuse,
The priest had order'd peas into their shoes, —
A nostrum, famous in old Popish times,
For purifying souls that stunk of crimes ;
A sort of Apostolic salt,
Which Popish parsons for its powers exalt
For keeping souls of sinners sweet,
Just as our kitchen salt keeps meat.
The knaves set off the self-same day,
Peas in their shoes, to go and pray :
But very different was their speed, I wot, —
One of the sinners gallop'd on,
Swift as a bullet from a gun ;
The other limp'd as if he had been shot.
One saw the Virgin soon, "Peceavi" cried, —
Had his soul whitewasli'd over all so clever!
Then home again he nimbly hied,
Made fit, with saints ahove, to live for ever.
In coming hack, however, lit me sav,
He met his brother rogue alum!, half way —
Hobbling witli outsireteh'd bum, and bending knees,
Cursing the bouIs and bodies of the peas ;
His eyes in tears, his cheeks ami brows in sweat,
Deep sympathizing with his groaning R I
'How now,' the light-toed, white-washed pilgrim broke,
' You luzy lubber !'
•Odds curse it!' cried the Other, 'tis no joke —
My feet, ouee hard aa any rook,
Are now as soft as blubbei •
i c.n amj amusement. 85
Excuse me, Virgin Mary, that I swear-
As for Loretto, I shall not get there ;
No ! to the devil my sinful soul must go,
For hang me, if I ha'nt lost every toe !
But, brother sinner, pray explain
How 'tis that you're not in pain ;
What power hath work'd a wonder for thy toes;
Whilst I, just like a snail am crawling,
Now swearing, now on saints devoutly bawling,
Whilst not a rascal comes to ease my woes?
How is't that you can like a greyhound go,
Merry as if that nought had happened — burn ye?'
Why,' cried the other (grinning), 'you must know,
That just before I ventur'd on my journey,
To walk a little more at ease —
I took the liberty to boii MY" peas.'
WOLVES.
Thk following circumstance, showing the savage nature of the wolf,
and interesting in more than one point of view, was related to me by
a gentleman of rank attached to the embassy at St. Petersburgh : it
occurred in Russia some few years ago. A woman, accompanied by
three of her children, were one day in a sledge, when they were pur-
sued by a number of wolves. On this, she put the horse into a gallop
and drove towards her home, from which she was not far distant, with
all possible speed. All, however, would not avail, for the ferocious
animals gained upon her, and at last were on the point of rushing on
the sledge. For the preservation of her own life and that of the re-
maining children, the poor frantic creature now took one of her babes
and cast it a prey to her blood-thirsty pursuers. This stopped their
career for a moment ; but, after devouring the little innocent, they
renewed the pursuit, and a second time came up with the vehicle. The
mother, driven to desperation, resorted to the same horrible expedient,
and threw her ferocious assailants another of her offspring. To cut
short this melancholy story, her third child was sacriMced in a similar
manner. Soon after this, the wretched being, whose feelings may more
easily be conceived than described, reached her home in safety. Here
she related what had happened, and endeavoured to paliiate her own
conduct, by describing the dreadful alternative to which she had been
reduced. A peasant, however, who was among the bystanders, and
heard the recital, took up an axe, and with one blow cleft her skull in
two; saying, at the same time, that a mother who could thus sacrifice
her children for the preservation of her own life, was no longer lit to
live. This man was committed to prison, but the Emperor subsequently
gave him a pardon.
86 THE BOOK OF
Californian Chances.—' What luck have you had at the
mines?' 'Darned little ; we made jist enough to pay our way
along the road.' 'What chance do you think we'll have ?' 'Well,
I guess you'll have chances enough, but darned few sartainties.
Unless you keep your eyes skinned, and sleep without winking,
they'll steal the very nose off your face.' 'How are they oft' for
provender for the horses ?' 'There ain't a blade of grass in the
whole darned country. If it warn't that this here tarnal critter of
mine managed to live upon acorns and rottenstone, I guess as how
he'd a been a gonner some weeks ago. But don't lei this scar ye,
strangers, for there's mountains ofgoold if ye ran only get at it.
Good night, my trumps, I wish you luck !' — Ryan's Persona!
Adventures.
THE FINESSE OR PARISIAN THIEVES.
Two well-dressed persons stopped one evening lately, between
nine and ten o'clock, before the shop of a grocer, named Croton,
Rue de Normandie, at Bercy, and burst into loud laughter. " I
tell you that I will do it," said one. — " I'll bet you live francs you
do not," said the other. — " Done ; I'll take the bet." — Both then
entered the shop. — " Do you sell treacle?" said the first. — "Yes,
gentlemen,". said the grocer. — "Give me two pounds of it." — "Have
you a vessel to put it in ?" "No ; but put it here."— "What! in
your hat?" — "Pour it in ; its for a wager" — The grocer took the
hat, placed it in the scale, and much amused at the idea, poured
into it two pounds weight of treacle. " There's the money," said
the purchaser, and he threw down a five-franc piece. The grocer
began to count the change, when the man said, " Pardon me, sir,
but your treacle has a queer smell." — " Its very good, I assure you."
— " No ; smell it." The grocer put down his head to the hat, and
at the same moment the customer, by a rapid movement, thrust
the man's head into the hat ; and, as the grocer instinctively raised
his head, the customer knocked the hat over his eyes. The oilier
man then plunged his hand into the till, and seized a handful of
money, about thirty francs. Both got clear oil' before the unfortu-
nate grocer could Line the alarm.
A Caution. — Never nod to an acquaintance at an auction. We
did so once, mid when the sale closed we found four broken chairs,
six cracked flower-pots, and a knock-kneed bedstead knocked down
to iis. What we intended as nods to a friend had been taken by
the auctioneer as bids For the kitchen furniture.
KIN ANT) AMUSEMENT. 87
THE SHORT GENTLEMAN'S APOLOGY.
Sublimest, fairest of thy sex, how can I match with thee,
When I'm but four feet and a half, and you are six feet three ?
The time is really past, my dear, of which old writings tell,
When the little angels deep in love with giantesses fell.
I'm flatter'd much, I vow and swear, and may my oath be booked,
In not being by so tall a dame entirely overlooked ;
Yet what may "l'e a pleasant thing in meaningless flirtation, _
Might prove," in wedlock's graver time, a pretty smart vexation.
First, now, suppose that courtship had commenced betwixt us two,
How strange a thing, if every time when I came here to woo,
I had to bring a telescope of Herschell's greatest size,
To pitch at you, that I might read the language of your eyes !
And if at last, some summer night, you were to blush consent,
And I was almost overpowered with love's soft ravishment,
You'll own 'twould be, upon the whole, an awkward sort of bliss,
Had a ladder to be ordered in ere I could reach a kiss.
These things, 'tis true, might be got o'er, being only entre nous,
But how, my dear, in heaven's name, d'ye think we e'er should do,
When we were going, man and wife, on friends and foes to call,
Already christened by some wag, " The Cannon and the Ball?"
'Twould break my heart, I'm very sure, though a stoutish heart it be.
If, while I walked on Princes Street, hard trotting by your knee,
Some purblind dame were to cry out, ' La, Mrs. So-and-so,
This lady — sure, her reticule, she hangs it rather low.'
I really am afraid, my dear, I should look something queer,
Hung from your lofty arm, like gem that hangs from Ethiop's ear ;
Why, as you fashions lead sometimes, folk might begin to hint
At having patterns copied from your 'elbow ornament.'
Their endless jokes, I see them all, by Jove, drawn out before me,
As clear and dreadful as the kings that made Macbeth so stormy ;
First some one, in contrasting us, would give me credit due,
But say that, on the whole, I fell a good deal short of you.
Another would remark that you must jealousy defy,
Seeing you kept your little man so much beneath your eye ; .
A third would wonder how at all I ever met your eyes,
Which ever go, like Milton's thoughts, 'commercing with the skies.
No, no, my dear, it will not do, we can't be man and wife ;
• Unequal yokes,' St. Paul has said, bring misery and strife ;
Odds life, d'ye think I'd wed with one, who, spite of previous speeches,
Would be, however ill they'd fit, so sure to wear the breeches !
88 THE BOOK OP
Children's Questions.— Children are inquisitive bodies: for
instance, ' What does cleave mean, papa ?' — ' It means to stick to-
gether.' — 'Does John stick wood together when he cleaves it?' —
4 Hem ; well, it means to separate.' — ' Well, then, pa, does a man
separate from Ins wife when he cleaves to her ?' — ' Hem, hem ;
don't ask so many foolish questions, child.'
A Sharp Reply. — ' How do you feel with such a shocking-
looking coat on ?' said a young clerk of some pretensions one morn-
ing to old Roger.' ' I feel,' said old Roger, looking at him stead-
ily with one eye half closed, as if taking aim at the victim ; ' 1 loo!,
young man, as if I had a coat on which has been paid fur ; a lux-
ury of feeling which I think you will never experience.'
Mr. Abernethy.— A lady consulting the late Mr. Abernethy
on a nevous disorder, entered into along, frivolous, and fantastic
detail of her symptoms. Unsatisfied with being referred to his
'book' for instruction respecting the treatment of her complaints,
she persisted iu endeavouring to extract further information from
Mr. Abernethy. After suffering her volubility with considerable
patience for a while, he exclaimed to the repeated 'May I eat
oysters, Doctor ? May I eat suppers ?' ' I'll tell you what, Ma'am ;
you may eat any thing but the poker and the bellows ; for the one
is hard of digestion, and the other is full of wind.'
PRESENCE OF MIND.
Daring Lord Exmouth's attack on the batteries of Algiers, in 181C,
the Algerines used a great number of red-hot shot, particularly in the
early part of the action. On board his Majesty's bomb, Infernal, one
of these comfortable articles came in, through Wallia the purser's cabin,
in the after cock-pit, and having bundled a shelf full of books on the
top of the assistant surgeon, Jones, who was lying in the purserVcot,
given over with the Gibraltar fever, it rolled across into the opposite
cabin, and was there got into a bucket of wafer by the gunner and some
others stationed near the spot. This interesting amusement was but
just concluded, when the men in the magazine, the door to which was
close by, heard a desperate smash among the powder barrels, and were
almost covered with a cloud of loose dust and powder, which was
thrown all ever them. Knowing the business which employed the
gunner in the cock-pit, but just the moment before, they naturally
enough, in the confusion of the moment, called out <o him, 'A red-hot
shot in the magazine !' and were rushing out ofit to oroulate wider the
same ory, should their new red-hot acauaintance permit them, ihe
FUN AND AMUSEMENT. S9
ill conaequenceB of tins may be easily conceived ; tlie only chance for
any one on such an occasion being- to jump at once overboard. The
gunner in an instant saw that if the cry was false it was folly to spread
it, and, if true, it was useless. He flew to Ihe magazine, shoved the
fellows hack into it, ami turned the key on them, and stood there,
with his hand on the lock, till he knew all danger must he past; ra-
ther a queerish situation, gentle reader ! The chaps were afterwards
a little laughed at ; for, strange to say, we could not find this intruder
on their equinimity of temper any where: and many doubted at last
if any shot had come into it at all. To be sure there were the broken
barrels and the spilled powder in favour of the narrators of the story;
but this seemed still not fully to convince ; for even the worst of dan-
gers generally get laughed at when they are over, by our happy-go-
lucky sons of Neptune. When, however, she came to return her pow-
der into store, after arriving- in the Thames, the mystery was solved ;
it was then found that the said shot had gone through four barrels of
powder, and lodged itself very comfortably in the middle of a fifth.
The gunner's name was Coombs ; and the last time I saw thi3 man,
who had shown such an unexampled presence of mind, was in 1824;
he was then mending shoes in a solitary room in the back lanes of
Deptford, to help out a precarious existence: — "Sic transit gloria
tnundi !" ^ ^ w x_^^-^_^_x-^^^^^^
A CATCH FROM THE GERMAN.
Philemon to Mirandi came
With tongue in wrath, and eyes of flame,
And loudly cried, ' Restore
My lamb, my lute, my kerchief rare ,
This hour we part — by Heaven I swear
I'll never see thee more !'
' 'Tis well,' she said — ' but you forget
Some little g-ifts of yours, my pet :
To leave them out were sin ;
I will restore you, one by one,
Ten thousand kisses — and that done,
You may walk off. — Begin.'
Perversion of Name. — Mr. Salt, the African traveller, used
to tell of himself, that at his birth his father meant to name him
Peter, hut a friend of his objected to this name, alleging that when
he went to school, he would get no other appellation but Saltpetre.
" What are the chief ends of man ?" asked a Sunday School
teacher of one of his pupils. "Head and feet," was the prompt
reply.
90 THE BOOK or
Cheap Substitute for Sugar.— The lovely Miss Sligourney,
of Iioseville Cottage, smiles with such exquisite sweetness as to
render the introduction af a sugar-basin unnecessary at the largest
tea-party. The glances of her not less charming sister, Patience,
have been known to penetrate the heart of the bast susceptible
swains at the range of an ordinary rifle.
A SERMON ON MALT.
Mr. Dodd was a minister who lived many years ago a few miles
from Cambridge; and having several times been preaching against
drunkenness, some of the Cambridge scholars (conscience, which
is sharper than a thousand witnesses, being their monitor) were
very much offended, and thought he made reflections on them.
Some little time after, Mr. Dodd was walking towards Cambridge,
and met some of the gownsmen, who, as soon as they saw him at
a distance, resolved to make some ridicule of him. As soon as he
came up, they accosted him with 'Your servant, sir!' he replied,
'Your servant, gentlemen.' They asked him it' he had not been
preaching very much against drunkenness of late? Lie answered
in the affirmative. They then told him they had a favour to beg
of him, and it was that he would preach a sermon to them there,
from a text they should choose. He argued that it was an impo-
sition, foi a man ought to have some consideration before preach-
ing. They said they would not put up with a denial, and insisted
upon his preaching immediately (in a hollow tree which stood 1>\
the road side) from the word MALT. He then began, ' Beloved,
let me crave your attention. I am a little man — come at a short
notice — to preach a short sermon — from a short text — to a thin
congregation — in an unworthy pulpit. Beloved, my text is Malt,
I cannot dh ide it into sentences, there being none ; nor into words,
there being but one; I must therefore, of necessity, divide it into
letters, which I find in my text to be these four — M.A.L.T,
M, is Moral.
A, is Allegorical.
L, is Literal
T, is i gical.
' 'I he Moral, is to teach you rustics good manners ; therefore M,
my Masters; \, Ml of you; L, Leave off ; T, Tippling.
' TheAllej rical is, when one thing is spoken of, and another
meant. The long spoken of is Malt; the thing meant is the
spirit of Mall . which you rustics male, M, your Meat; A, your
Apparel ; L, your Liberty ; and T, your Trust.
FUN AND AMUSEMENT. 91
'The Literal is, according to the letters; M, Much; A, Ale;
L, Little ; T, Trust.
'The Theological is according to the effects it works in some,
M, Murder; in others, A, Adultery ; in all, L, Looseness of life;
and, in many, T, Treachery.
' 1 shall conclude the subject, First, by way of Exhortation. M,
My Masters; A, All of you; L, Listen; T, To my Text. Sec-
ond, by way of Caution. M, My Masters; A, All of you; L, Look
for; T, the Truth. Third, by way of Communicating the Truth,
which is this: A Drunkard is the annoyance of modesty ; the spoil
of civility; the destruction of reason ; the robber's agent ; the ale-
house's benefactor ; his wife's sorrow ; his children's trouble ; his
own shame ; his neighbour's scoff; a walking swill-bowl ; the pic-
ture of a beast ; the monster of a man "
WOMAN'S HEART.
If I were asked what most my soul doth prize
Of all the good ^ifts men enjoy below,
Whether from Fortune or from Fame they flow,
My answer would be thus. Not wealth, which flies
Away from those who hold it in esteem,
Nor yet the honours proud place hath to give :
These with their donor changing die or live.
Notev'n earth's fairest mountain, vale, or stream,
For these at times are 'neath dark winter's g-loorn:
Take the world's pleasure, and its loud acclaim,
Leave me but this, like an unsullied name
Which wears for aye the self-same hue and bloom—
Xeed I the secret of my soul impart ?
Be witness, ye that love, 'tis woman's heart.
Vice- Versa. — As a canal-boat was passing under a bridge, the
captain gave the usual warning by calling aloud, ' Look out !' when
a little Frenchman, who was in the cabin, obeyed the order by
popping his head out of the window, which received a severe thump,
by coming in contact with a pillar of the bridge. He drew it back
in a great pet, and exclaimed, 'Dese Amerikans say, 'Lookout!'
when dey mean 'Look in!"
"I live in Julia's eye,'' said an affected dandy, in Coleman's
hearing. — " I don't wonder at it," replied George, "since 1 obser-
ved she had a stye in them when I saw her last."
92 THE BOOK or
COLONEL CROCKETT IN A QUANDARY.
1 1 never but once,' said the Colonel, ' was in what I call a real
genuine quand-ary. It was during my electioneering campaign
for Congress ; at which time I strolled about in the woods so par-
ticularly pestered by politics, that I forgot my rifle. Any man
may forget his rifle, you know ; but it isn't every man can make
amends for his forgetfuluess by his inventive faculties, I guess.
It chanced that as I was strolling along, considerable deep in con-
gressionals, the first thing that took my attention was the snarling
of some young bears, which proceeded from a hollow tree ; the en-
trance being more than forty feet from the ground. I mounted
the tree ; but I soon found that I could not reach the cubs with my
hands ; so I went, feet foremost, to see if I could draw them out
with my toes. I hung on, at the top of the hole, straining with
all my might to reach them, until at last my hands slipped, and
down I went more that twenty feet to the bottom of that black hole,
and there I found myself almost hip-deep in a family of fine young
bears. I soon found that I might as well undertake to climb up
the greasiest part of a rainbow, as to get back, the hole in the tree
being so large, and its sides so smooth and slippery from the rain.
Now this was a real, genuine, regular, quand-ary ! If so be I was
to shout, it would have been doubtful whether they would hear me
at the settlement ; and if they did hear me, the story would ruin
my election ; for they were a quantity too 'cute to vote for a man
that had ventured into a place that he couldn't get himself out of.
Well now, while I was calculating whether it was best to shout for
help, or to wait in the hole until after the election, 1 heard a kind
of fumbling and grumbling over head ; and looking up, 1 saw the
old bear coming down stern foremost upon me. My motto is- al-
ways l gn-a-head '.' and as soon as she had lowered herself within
my reach, I got a tight grip of her tail in my left hand, and with
my little buck-horn-hatted peuknife in the other, I commenced
spurring her forward. I'll be shot if ever member of Congress
rose quicker in the world than I did ! She took me out in the shake
of a lamb's tail.'
LOQUACITY.
Men are born with hm eves, but with one tongue, in order that
they should see twice as much as they say ; but, from th< u conduct,
one would suppose that they were born with two tongues, and oik;
eye, for those talk the most who have observed the least, and ob-
trude their remarks upon every thing, who have seen into nothing.
TVS AND AMUSEMENT. 03
THE BROWN BEAR.
On the 26th May, 1828, a son of Mr. Adam Millar, about sev-
enteen years of age, of Troy township, near Cleveland, Ohio,
America, had occasion to pass through a part of a wood, which ex-
tended about four miles. Having proceeded about a mile, he dis-
covered at a short distance a bear and three cubs. Being- entirely
destitute of weapons of defence, he tried to frighten them off by
hallooing ; but the old bear immediately made towards him, and
he sprang to a sapling, about ten inches in diameter, and free of
limbs to the height of forty feet. This he ascended, and the bear
followed. At the height often or twelve feet she was so near as
to receive a kick, and she slipped to the bottom. She immediately
reascended, while he exerted himself to climb beyond her reach ;
but she again overtook him, and as he kicked at her, she tore his
right foot badly, took off his shoe, and then fell to the ground.
She then followed him up the third time, and fell without doing
him any injury. He had now ascended the sapling about twenty
feet ; but the old bear was soon at his heels the fourth time, caught
his left foot, and both fell together. On reaching the ground, the
bear started from him about a rod, when he recovered and ran ;
she followed thirty or forty rods, and gave up the chase, and the
young man reached home in safety.
KISSING IN AMERICA.
When a wild spark attempts to steal a kiss from a Nantucket
girl, she says, ' Come, sheer off, or I'll split your mainsail with a
typhoon.' The Boston girls hold still until they are well kissed,
when they fire up all at once, and say, ' I think you ought to he
ashamed.' When a young chap steals a kiss from an Albany girl,
she says, ' I reckon it's my turn now,' and gives him a box on the
ear he don't forget in a week. When a clever fellow steals a kiss
from a Lousiana girl, she smiles, blushes deeply, and says— no-
thing. In Pennsylvania, when a female is saluted with a buss, she
puts on her bonnet and shawl, and answereth thus: — ' I am as-
tonished at thy assurance, Jedidiah ; for this indignity I will show
thee up." The ladies of Bungtown, however, are so fond of kis-
sing, that when saluted on one cheek, they instantly present the
other.
A lady in the Zoological Gardens being asked why she so close-
ly scanned the elephant with her opera-glass, replied, "that she
was looking for the key -hole to his trunk."
94 THE BOOK OF
Advice to Daughters. — The Count de Grammont had two
daughters; one fat, and the other lean. The countess, his wife,
begged him to write to them, and pressed him so much, that,
yielding to her importunity, he took the pen and wrote to the first,
'My daughter, get lean ;' and to the other, ' My daughter, get fat *
and no more. The countess, seeing him seal his letters, was sur-
prised that he had so soon done ; but the count said, ' they have
only to follow the advice I now send them to do well.'
A BLACK JOKE.
One day at Bradford, as a young sweep was carrying a bag of
soot upon his back, the produce of three chimneys, an old dame
(whose eye-sight was rather dimmed with years) exclaimed on
passing him, "Ha! wot hard-hearted maisters there iz it wurld
na-a-daize, ta be sewar ; nobbat look, eze laodand that poor lad
wal iz black it faice.
PIOUS FRAUDS;
OR, THE KNIGHT AND THE FRIAR.
A Monk was standing at a convent gate,
With sanctimonious phiz, and shaven pate,
Promising, with solemn cant,
To all that listen'd to his rant,
A full and perfect absolution,
With half a-dozen hallowed benedictions,
If they would give some contribution,
Some large donation supererogatory,
To ransom fifty murder' d christians,
And free their precious souls from purgatory .
When (he asserted) they would gain
A passport from the realms of pain.
Ami find a speedy passage to the skies.
A knight was riding by, and heard these lies:
He 8to])])'d his horse, ' Salve] the parson cried
And ' Benedicite,' the youth replied.
' Most reverend father,' quoth the knight,
Who, it appears, was sharp and witty,
'These martyr'd christians 1 wretched plight,
Believe me, I sincerely pity ;
Nay, mon — their Bufferings to relieve,
I will these litiy ducats give. 1
Tbifl was ii(i sooner said than done;
The priest pronoune'd his benison.
TUN AND AMUSEMENT. 05
'Now, I presume, ' the soldier said,
'The spirits of these christians dead,
Have reach' d their final place of rest?'
' Most true,' replied the rev*rend friar,
'(Unless Saint Francis is a liar;)
And to reward the pious action
Of this most christian benefaction,
You will, no doubt, eternally be blest.'
' Well, then,' exclaimed the soldier-youth,
' If what you say indeed be truth,
And these same pieces that I've given,
Have snatch'd their souls from purgatory's pains,
And bought them a snug place in heaven,
No further use for them remains.'
He said thus much, to prove, at least,
He was as cunning as the priest :
Then, put the ducats in his poke,
And rode off, laughing at the joke.
RULING PASSION STRONG IN DEATH.
A late German newspaper related the following anecdote : — In
an imperial city, lately, a criminal was condemned to be beheaded,
who had a singular itching to play at nine-pins. While his sen-
tence was pronouncing, he had the temerity to offer a request to
be permitted once more to play at his favourite game at the place
of execution, and then, he said, he would submit without a mur-
mur. As the last prayer of a dying man, his request was granted.
When arrived at the solemn spot, he found every thing prepared,
the pins being set up and the bowl being ready. He played with
no little earnestness, but the sheriff at length, seeing that he showed
no inclination to desist, privately ordered the executioner to strike
the fatal blow as he stooped for the bowl. The executioner did so,
and the head dropped into the culprit's hand, as he raised himself
to see what had occurred. He immediately aimed at the nine,
conceiving it was the bowl which he grasped. All nine falling,
the head loudly exclaimed, 'Well, I have won the game.' — This
reminds us of a story which has been told in proof of the amazing
dexterity of the German executioners in catling off heads with the
sabre. A culprit being bound and prepared for the blow, and not
feeling it when it came, coolly asked the man what hindered him,
since the signal had been duly given. ' Shake yourself,' said the
executioner; and on the criminal doing so, his head, which had
been severed but not displaced, tumbled on the scaffold. — Cham-
bers' Journal.
96 THE BOOK OF
MY FIRST KISS.
I fell in love with the beautiful Catharine Barin. I had seen
her at the School Carnival, and her beauty had entranced me. —
On a winter evening, when my Princess's collection of sweet gifts
was prepared, that needed only a receiver, the pastor's son per-
suaded me, when a visit from the chaplain occupied my father,
to leave the parsonage while it was dark, and venture into the
house where the beloved dwelt with her poor grandmother up in a
little corner chamber. We entered a little alehouse underneath.
Whether Cathariue happened to be there, or whether the rascal,
under the pretence of a message, allured her down, or how 1 found
her there, has become only a dreamy recollection ; for the sudden
lightning of the present darkened all that went behind. As vio-
lently as if 1 had been a robber, I first pressed upon her my present
of sweetmeats, and then I, who in Joditz never could reach the
heaven of a first kiss, and never even dared to touch the beloved
hand, I for the first time held a beloved being upon my heart and
lips. I have nothing further to say, but that it was the one pearl
of a minute, that was never repeated, a whole longing past and a
dreaming future were united in one moment, and in the darkness
behind my closed eyes the fireworks of a whole life were evolved
in a glance. Ah ! I have never forgotten it— the delicious — the
heart-thrilling— the ineffaceable moment! — Jean Paul F. Riehter.
Humid seal of soft affection !
Tenderest pledg-e of future bliss !
Dearest tie of younp: connection !
Love's first snow-drop — Virgin Kiss!
Speaking silence — dumb confession —
Passion's birth — but infant's play —
Dove-like fondness — chaste concession-
Glowing- dawn of brighter day !
Sorrowing joy — adieu's last action,
While lingering lips no more may join —
What words can . -ver speak affection,
So thrilling — so sincere — as thine.
A Qualification.— A merchant, lately advertising for a clerk
• who could bear confinement,' received an answer from one who
had been seven years in gaol.
A lady, given to tattle, says she never tells anything only lotWO
e of people— those who ask her, and (hose who don't.
FUN AND AMUSEMENT. 97
* Doctor,' said a sick man pce\ ishly to his physician,' you have
been dosing nic and plaguing me this long time, and it's all of no
use ; do take the matter vigorously in hand ; let us go to the root
of the evil, and get rid of it all at once.' 'I will do it atone stroke!'
replied the doctor, raising his stick and smashing the brandy bottle
which stood on a side table near his patient.
The late Mr. Jarvy Bush amused us once with a story told of
a brother barrister on the Leicester circuit. As the coach was
about smarting alter breakfast, the modest limb of the law ap-
proached the landlady, a pretty Quakeress, who was seated behind
the bar, and said he could not think of going without giving her a
kiss. 'Friend,' said she, 'thee must not do it.' ' Oh, by heavens,
I will !' replied the barrister. ' Well, friend, as thou hast sworn,
thee may do it; but thee must not make a practice of it.'
Wisdom. — If thou hast a loitering servant, send him on thine
errand just before his dinner.
CHRONICLES OF RATION ROW, HALIFAX.
BY JOHNNY PUDDING-KNOB, ESQ.
Michael Burncrust was a very pious man. He had a pa-
per in his window, ' Rumps and Burrs sold here, and baked Sheep's-
heads will be continued every night, if the Lord permit.' In an-
other window he had, 'Tripe and Cow-heels sold here, as usual,
except on the Lord's day, which the Lord help me to keep holy.
Amen.' After all, this good man was persecuted, some people
calling him an arrant hypocrite. He died among his tripes, &c,
deeply regretted by those persons to whom he stood in debt. 1634.
Reuben Ferretty. He was a very useful member of society,
as his sign indicated; — 'Reuben Ferretty, by God's grace and
mercy, kills rats, moles, and all sorts of vermin and venomous
creatures.' He went to his long home — 1638.
Simon Snoddy. This was a real good old puritan, and he
dressed like one. But his neighbours judged him to be rather over-
righteous ; for it was said, that he once staved a barrel of beer
in his cellar, be auae he detected it working on the sabbath day.
He also kept a quantity of fowls, and every Saturday night he
made it a point of conscience of tying together the legs of every
c ick he had, in order to prevent them from breaking the Sabbath,
by gallanting the hens on Sunday ; just as Dr. Cantwell used to
do by bis Turkey-cocks. He was full of 6anctity to the last, and
died leaving behind him a few like him — 1646.
98 THE BOOK OF
Dr. David LUPIN was a noted Water-caster. He was also tho
inventor of Spiritus Urinus, Essence of Mite-born Shavings, and
the Tincture of Midge-tail Clippings. The celebrated Doctor
Hornbook used these medicines with very extensive success in
Scotland, and therefore Burns has immortalized him. Dr. Lupin
had a very ingenious way of ascertaining the prognosis and the
diagnosis of diseases, viz., by skilful water casting. Every patient
brought to him a bottle of their own aqua, and by a mere inspec-
tion of it, he could tell all their ailments, at least he pretended to
do so ; for old Timothy Cittern one day discovered how it was
done ; but Timothy was bribed to quietness. He had a partition
on one side of the outer room, into which, when a patient came
into the outer room, he entered from bis own, to listen, while his
wife wheedled all their ailings out of them. She would say,
' Please take a seat ; my dear Doctor is busy with a gentleman
just now. How long have you been ill 1 Have you much fever? I
suppose you have not much appetite ? Do not rest well ? Where
have you pain ? &c.' All this Lupin heard ; so when a patient
entered his room, and presented his bottle, he said, 'This is your
water, I suppose ; very bad, you ail so and so.' In the latter
part of his life he discovered the art of gilding a pill with sugar,
and after accumulating much wealth, he was choked while eating
a humbug. He left many successors. — 1659.
Jacob Bellum. He lived to a very long age, and accounted
himself the first bell-ringer in the land ; he studied the art both
soon and late. 'Tis said he once went to the North Pole, and dis-
covered that sound there was two degrees and three quarters
sweeter than in his own town, which he guessed was owing to the
absence of smoke and the presence of great frost. The Bells of
the steeple were always in tune under his management, but he
could never manage his own Belle at home, his wife, who had a
terrible clapper of a tongue, which went ding, dong, and never
stopped from morn to night, which frequently drove Jaccb to the
alehouse. But this belle, to his great joy, at last gave over ring-
ing ; the rope brake, aud so did his six years afterwards, in 1G61.
Samuel Marvel. This was a very wonderful genius. When
half-a-year old he could wink with one eye, and crow like a cock.
At 12 months of age, he could whip a top, suck a comfit, and say
cuckoo. As he grew up to maturity he developed the splendour
of his genius, by discovering that ;in old maid's knees and a dog's
nose have the same temperature, lie also invented an octagonal
grindstone, which caused great excitement among nan of science.
As he was more anxious for scientific celebrity than for wealth,
he studied hard and shortened his days. His last great work was
a six-room mouse-trap with a tiy wheel to it. His breath left him, I 672.
Ezka Shaveling. He was a celebrated Mechanic. When
three rears old he had discovered how to blow a bladder up. When
FTJN AND AMUSEMENT. 99
a man he invented a pair of bellows with two spouts, a stone rol-
ling pin, and a mahogany case for a deal wheelbarrow. Unfor-
tunately he lost his life on the first day of November, by falling:
from the church tower, which he had ascended for the purpose of
thrusting; a pole through the middle of the moon. His descen-
dants have since been called 'the chimerical.' 1684
Tolemy Shoesjiith. He was a very great astrologer, and
was educated at Brazennose College. Folks came far and near
to have their planets ruled, and their fortunes foretold. lie also
practised surgery. It was he who discovered that an empty ex-
chequer was the cause of cramp in the pocket, and that the best
cure for it was a good supply of the precious metals. Once when
botanizing in a wood he found a hobgoblin's nest with three young
uns in. He was so great an astrologer that he could tell every
body's fortune but his own. He extracted a vast deal of money
from the pockets of old maids, and other gentlefolks. His death,
which he could not foretell, happened when he did not want it,
and when he did not expect it — 1690.
%* His posterity have carried on his system ever since at Folly
Hall, where they dupe hundreds. He was related to Old Moore, and
to the ancestors of Raphael and Zadkiel, and was very intimate with
Lily and Sibly, the founders of Humbug College.
A Methodist and a Quaker were travelling in company, when
the Quaker reproved the Methodist for their boisterous manner of
worship. " Why," said he, " we can take more pleasure in our pri-
vate rooms of meditation, where we think of nothing worldly during
our stay." " Sir," said the Methodist, "if you will take a private
room, stay one hour, and when you return, say that you have
thought of nothing worldly, I will give you my horse," which pro-
posal was accepted. After the time had expired, his friend asked
him if he claimed the horse. " Why, " said he, " I could not help
thinking what I should do for a bridle to ride him home with."
Beer V. Bear. — The following sign was over the door of an
ale-house: 'table dear sold hear.' A wag made the remark,
that the bear must be the person's own bruin.
The Sublime and Ridiculous.— ' Woman is most beautiful
when in tears, like a rose wet with the crystal dew.' — Mobile Ex-
aminer. ' We suppose the editor of the ' Examiner' whips his
wile every Sunday, to make her look beautiful.'
100 THE BOOK OF
A MARRYING MAN.
Never warn nie, my dear, to take care of my heart,
When I dance with yon Lancer, so fickle and smart;
What phantoms the mind of eighteen can create,
That boast not a charm at discreet twenty-eight ,
A partner, 'tis true, I would gladly command,
But that partner must boast of wealth, houses, and land ,
I have looked round the ball-room, and, try what I can,
I fail to discover one Marrying Man !
Time was, in the pride of my girlhood's bright dawn,
All but talented men I regarded with scorn,
Wits, authors, and artists, then beaued me about,
Who might each have pass'd muster at Lady Cork's rout ;
In duetts, I had always a second well skilled ;
My album with sonnets and sketches was filled ;
1 went on the brisk 'march of intellect' plan,
But the 'march' countermands ev'ry Marrying Man!
How oft, when mamma would sage counsels impart,
Have I pouted and wept at her hardness of heart;
She cared not for genius— her idol was pelf;
Now I've grown just as icy and hard as herself.
Alike I am rock to the handsome and wise,
To wit and to waltzing, to singing and sighs,
Nay, Phoebus himself would come under my ban,
For he certainly is not a Marrying Man !
Finding London a failure, I varied my path,
I 'took tea' with the painted old ladies of Bath ;
At Hastings, the hills laboured panting to reach ;
At Ramsgate, sat out with a book on the beach ;
At Cheltenham, walk'd to the band's matin sound ;
At Brighton, 'missed aim' on the archery ground !
Through each place pointed out by the 'Guide' I have ran,
But the guide would not point to one Marrying Man !
That object seems still the philosopher's stone,
Another 'ninth statue,' a new 'Great Unknown ;'
I have tried all the schemes and manoeuvres of old,
And must strike out some measure decisive and bold.
I'll try a deep plan in the diving bell Boon,
Or, with Green's assistance, I'll visit the moon;
Yes, yes— sure the last's an infallible plan,
If the 'Man in the Moon* be — A M Alt in ino Man !
To Those Seeking Employment.—' Wanted, an able-bodied
Irishman t<> hold my wiles tongue— she and 1 both being unable
to keep it quiet."
FUN AND AMUSEMENT.
FUN FOR EVENING PARTIES.
101
^" Close your eyes, and place the point of a pin on tlie follow-
ing Table of Figures, repeating to yourself: — ' Guide my hand, O
my riding planet !' Then look for the corresponding figures in
'Character of your future Husband, or Wife.'
46 53 36 19 41 11 31 12 24 50 64 45 15 10
47 61 20 14 38 16 27 18 51 21 32 23 4
6 22 25 29 7 17 28 9 30 3 43 40 55 2
33 39 56 48 8 44 37 1 35 58 34 57 26
68 49 52 60 5 68 42 67 62 67 59 65 54 63
13 (>6 47 60 70 69 71
CHARACTER OF YOUR FUTURE HUSBAND.
1 Tall and handsome.
2 Remarkably tat arid clumsy, a
great load.
3 A great eater.
4 Very amiable in temper.
5 Rather lustful.
6 Very penurious.
7 A real gentleman.
8 A great skin-flint.
9 One who will idolize you.
10 A wealthy man.
11 One who will kiss you to the
tune of 13 to the dozen.
12 One given to wenching.
13 A soft imbecile.
14 Rather deformed in the legs.
15 A good moral man.
1 A clerical gentleman.
17 A great sot.
18 A beautiful man, and good.
19 A benevolent person, who will
love you.
20 A quack doeter.
21 One who will love you through
life.
22 A hump back, or 'mountain
in misery. '
23 A clever and worthy trades-
man.
24 A man of fine taste.
25 A person of low occupation.
26 A man kind, indulgent.
27 One who will incessantly love
you, day and night.
28 Would be handsome if he did
not squint.
29 Florid complexion, beautiful
eyes.
30 A merchant — a dignified fig-
ure.
31 A warm-hearted sailor.
32 A good fellow, bur lost his
teeth.
33 So good that all will envy you.
34 A military character.
35 One whom you will have to
nurse.
3C One whose passions are very
frigid — no steam there.
37 A very pious character.
38 A great sloven, fond of his
glass.
39 One whom you may govern.
40 A man who will keep his purse
closed.
4 1 A cross waspish fellow.
42 Raid and venerable.
43 One with a brilliant genius.
44 A beardless boy, whom you
will have to curb.
102
THE BOOK OF
4ft One very fond of literature.
4G Very tall, and small as a whip-
ping post.
47 A stale Bachelor, who has long-
wanted a mate.
48 One always refused.
40 A loving and faithful man.
50 One with a painted face,
51 A sweet husband and loving-
father.
52 One who will study your inter-
est at all times.
53 A widower with three fine
girls, and four rough boys,
with a moderate income.
54 A young boy, with very pre-
cocious talent for wedlock.
55 A man of commanding in-
fluence.
6G A widower with grey hairs.
57 A good honest soul, very fa-
therly.
58 One who will ardently love
you during honey moon, but
— wither away afterwards.
59 A merry-andrew.
60 A country bumpkin,
(il A man worth nothing.
('•2 A common spendthrift.
63 A good husband.
04 A clandestine marriage with a
horse jockey.
65 A petfy-fogging lawyer.
06 A traveller.
07 One universally admired.
58 One who will do good to all
around him.
69 A dutiful husband, but very
simple.
70 A precise quaker.
71 Will weep it' you chide him.
CHARACTER OF YOUR FUTURE WIFE
16
1 A lady of good birth.
2 One rather advanced in years,
who will be very motherly to
you.
3 Very handsome, but rather
deaf.
4 A fine rosy girl.
5 A buxom widow.
G One rejected by all but your-
self.
7 An accomplished female.
8 A robust vulgar lass,
'.i A high spirited dame.
10 Good lady, but bow-legged.
1 1 A model of goodness.
12 O that sweet face, and amiable
mind.
13 A nal termagant, who will
now and then Imte you.
14 A poor partner ever willing to
beguidi d by you.
15A j-'oixl nurse, whom you will
r( quire.
One who will always have the
last word.
17 Atfable and kind, a soother in
sorrow.
18 Mrs, Caudle, an able Curtain
Lecturer.
19 A regular scold.
"0 Amiable and sympathetic.
21 A fruitful vine, 13 as 12.
22 Contour of the countenance
good, but the eyes odd.
21! Quality pretty good, but quan-
tity very limited.
24 Has trifled with all her suitors,
and at last taken to you.
25 Twins every 2\ years.
26 Very extravagant, and will
defy you.
27 One who will strive to uh ase
you.
28 A very pious lady.
29 One who ought to be boarded
at Draper's Shops.
30 One very intellectual.
II N AND AMUSKMKNT.
10.3
31 A real Dorcas, loving charit-
able deeds.
32 The lady will patronize Gin.
33 Very economical, and to be
trusted.
34 She will run you into debt.
85 Would be handsome if the
squint was not so extremely
bad, lucking- three ways at
once.
36 Very pretty, but likely to have
a beard.
37 Very modest but neat.
38 One who has a gray hair here
and there, snows of age ap-
proximating.
39 A real gossip — not keeping at
home.
40 A help-meet for you in every
respect.
41 Fond of having parties, and
going to parties.
42 A good wife, an affectionate
mother.
43 You will have to dwell in ste-
rile regions.
44 A bad wife and bad children.
45 She will love you in adversity
as well as in prosperity.
46 You will ardently love her —
beautiful children.
47 One young enough to be your
daughter.
48 High in wisdom, sweet in con-
verse.
49 A lady of fortune, not haughty.
50 Old enough to be your mother.
51 She will esteem you as her
chief temporal good.
52 You will be a cuckold.
53 Slovenly and dirty.
54 A scold, bad tempered.
55 An angel in disguise.
56 She will desert you and your
large family.
57 You will always have cause to
love her.
58 A Fury ! — woe be to you.
59 A ministering angel to you
when in trouble.
60 Fat and ugly.
61 A good wife.
02 Altogether unmanageable.
63 A quakeress.
64 A regular dolly.
65 An authoress.
66 One from a foreign land.
67 Your housemaid.
68 A black woman.
69 One too many for you.
70 A real christian.
71 Faithful to death.
A DELICIOUS DOMESTIC SCENE.
Inquiring Young Lady : Oh dear, do tell me how Charles de-
clared his love.
Expectant Wife : Well, Fanny, we were in the parlour, you
know, and all at once he turned up his eyes, so that I thought he
was ill. Then he turned 'em down, and squeezed my hand, and
asked me if I'd have him — and — and —
Inquiring Young Lady : Well, dear ; well, what did he do next ?
Expectant Wife: Nothing, dear; but I said " yes," and, graci-
ous how he kissed me. Then, dear, I laid my hand on his shoulder,
and then we talked, dear. Oh, how I trembled. I thought I
never could go through it.
10 i THE book; of
A gentleman complaining to his bootmaker that a pair of boots
recently sent were too short, and that he wanted a pair to cover the
whole calf, had the following^cw d'esprit sent to him: —
These boots were never made for me,
They are too short by half;
I want them long enough, d'ye see,
To cover all the calf.
Why, Sir, said Last, with stifled smile,
To alter them I'll try ;
But if they cover all the calf,
They must be five feet high.
THE FRENCHMAN AT HIS STUDIES.
Frenchman : — Ha, my good friend, I have met with one difficulty
—one very strange word. How do you call h-o-u-g-h ? Tutor — Huff.
F. — Tres bien, huff; and snuff you spell s-n-o-u-g-h, ha ? T. —
Oh, no, no ; snuff is s-n-u double f. The fact is, words ending in ough
are a little irregular.
F. — Ah, very good. 'Tis beautiful language. H-o-u-g-h is huff,
and c-o-u-g-h is cuff. I have one very bad cuff, ha ? T. — No, we
eay kauf, not cuff."
F. — Kauf eh bien. Huff and kauf , and, pardonnez moi, how you
call d-o-u-g-h— duff, ha? T — No, not duff.
F. — Not duff! Ah! oui ; I understand — it is dauf, bey? T. —
No ; d-o-u-g-h spells doe.
F\ — Doe! It is very fine ; wonderful language. It is doe; and
t-o-u-g-h is toe certainement. My beefsteak was very toe. T. — 0,
no, no ; you should say tuff.
F. — Tuff! And the thing the farmer uses; how you call him,
p-1-o-u-g-h, pluff? Ha, you smile ; I see I'm wrong— it is plauff
No, ah, it is ploe, like doe ; it is beautiful language, ver' fine — ploe !
T. — You are still wrong, my friend. It is plow.
F. — Plow ! Wonderful language. I shall understand ver' soon.
Ploiv, doe, kauf ; and one more — r-o-u-g-h, what you call General
Taylor; rauf and ready? No; certainement it is row and ready?
T.— No ! R-o-u-g-h spells ruff.
F. — Ruff, ha ! Lei me not forget. R-o-u-g-h is ruff, and b-o-u-g-h
is buff, ha? T.— No; bow.
F. — Ah ! 'tis very simple, wonderful language ; but I have had
What you call e-n-o-u-g-h ! ha ! what you call him .'
Nothing like success in this world — what dirty bread it will
butter! Nothing so miserable as failure — what heroism it will
blacken '
FUN AND AMUSEMENT. lOi
WHEN THE PURSE IS FULL.
Oh, lin.ppy are the hours — when the purse is full.
Time pusses over flowers — when the purse is full.
Where'er our fancy wends,
We are sure to inert with friends,
And there's nothing- that offends — when the purse is full.
But weary are the hours — when the purse is low,
And few and far the flowers — when the purse is low,
Where'er our footsteps range,
Comes the chilling breath of change,
And the best of friends look strange — when the purse is low.
Morn cometh with a dance — when the purse is full;
There is music in her glance — when the purse is full.
Life, then, is something worth,
There is pleasure upon earth,
There is beauty, song, and mirth— when the purse is full.
Yet man, we're often told — though his purse be low,
Is himself the truer gold — though his purse be low;
But the saying is not true,
For the blindest yet may view,
Man's friends are but few — when his purse is low.
Tricks played upon Negroes.— There is a bush story of a
negro, who, for a bottle of mm, agreed to strip to the waist and lie
on bis face, to be bitten for a quarter of an hour by the musquitoes,
at the joggins of New Brunswick. He endured bis pests manfully,
and had nearly won his prize, when one of the lumbermen who
stood by, laid on him a piece of live charcoal, when the negro wrig-
gled and twisted about frightfully ; at last, unable to hold out any
longer, be jumped up, calling out " Wooh! not bargain for dat";
dat is dragon fly !" Lumbermen play sad tricks on the negroes
sometimes. At a coloured tea-drinking, a lumberman slipped a
plug of tobacco into the kettle, when an old negress who presided,
called out, "Mo water! mo water! too 'trong for missa 'tomach."
A metropolitan housekeeper advertised recently for a wet nurse.
A young Irish girl offered herself. ' How old are you, Bridget?"
s;iid the dame. ' Sixteen, plaise ma'am.' ' Have you ever had a
baby ?' ' No ma'am, but 1 am very fond of them."' ' Then I'm
afraid, Bridget, you will nut do for me. It is a wet nurse I want.'
4 0, please ma'am, I know I'll do ; I'm very aisy to teach.'
10G THE BOOK OF
A Wonderful Cillder.— In the Rotunda of Woolwich, a-
mongst other curiosities, is preserved a cinder, ahout six cubit in-
ches in height, the product entirely of £'1 bank notes burnt in an
oven built for the purpose at the close of the war. It is supposed
that the quantity burnt during thirteen months amounted to 50
millions of notes.
THE IMMENSITY OF THE UNIVERSE.
The space in which the systems composing the universe move
is illimitable. Were we to attempt to assign its limits, what could
we imagine to be beyond ? The number of worlds is infinitely
great ; it is inexpressible, indeed, by numbers. A ray of light tra-
verses 180,000 miles in a second of time. A year comprises mil-
lions of seconds, yet there are fixed stars so immeasureably distant,
that their light would require billions of years to reach our eyes.
We are acquainted with animals possessing teeth, and organs of
motion and digestion, which are wholly invisible to the naked eye.
Other animals exist, which, if measurable, would be found many
thousands of times smaller, which, nevertheless, possess the same
apparatus. These creatures, in the same manner as the largef
animals, take nourishment, and are propagated by means of ova,
which must, consequently, be again many hundreds of times
smaller than their own bodies. It is only because our organs of
vision are imperfect, that we do not perceive creatures a million
of times smaller than these. What variety, and what infinite
gradations do the constituents of our globe present to us in their
proporties and their conditions ! There are bodies which are twenty
times heavier than an equal volume of water ; there are others which
are ten thousand times lighter, the ultimate particles of which
cannot be known by the most powerful microscopes. Finally, we
have starlight — that wonderful messenger which brings us daily
intelligence of the continued existence of numberless worlds, the ex-
pression of an immaterial essence which no longer obeys the laws
of gravitation, and yet manifests itself to our senses by innumera-
ble effects. Even the light of the sun — with the arrival of which
upon the earth inanimate nature receives life and motion — we
cleave asunder into rays, which, without any power of illumination,
produce the most important alterations and decompositions in or-
ganic nature. We separate from light, certain rays, which exhibit
among themselves a diversity as great as exists amongst colours.
Bttt nowhere do we observe either a beginning or au end. — Licbig't
Letters on Chemistry. (Second Series.)
! I W AND A.MUSEMENT. 1(J7
THE SONG OF STEAM.
Harness me down with your iron bands,
Be sure of your curb and rein ;
For I scorn the power of your puny hands
As the tempest scorns a chain.
How I laugh'd as I lay conceal'd from sight
For many a countless hour,
At the childish boast of human might,
And the pride of human power.
When I saw an army upon the land,
A navy upon the seas,
Creeping- along 1 , a snail-like band,
Or waiting- the wayward breeze ;
When I mark'd the peasant faintly reel
With the toil which he daily bore,
As he feebly turn'd at the tardy wheel,
Or tugg'd at the weary oar ;
When I measured the panting courser's speed,
The flight of the carrier dove,
As they bore the law a king decreed,
t Or the lines of impatient love;
I could not but think how the world would feel
As these were outstripped afar,
When I should be bound to the rushing keel
Or chain'd to the flying car.
Ha ! ha ! ha ! they found me at last;
They invited me forth at length ;
And I rush'd to my throne with thunder blast,
And I laugh'd in my iron strength.
Oh ! then ye saw a wondrous change
On the earth and ocean wide,
Where now my fiery armies range,
Nor wait for wind or tide.
Hurrah! hurrah! the waters o'er
The mountain's sleep decline ;
Time — space — have yielded to my power;
The world— the world is mine'!
The rivers the sun hath earlier blest,
Or those where his beams decline ;
The giant streams of the queenly west,
Or the orient floods divme.
The ocean pales where'er I sweep,
To hear my strength rejoice ;
And the monsters of the briny deep
Cower, trembling at my voice.
108 THE BOOK OF
I carry the wealth and the lord of earth,
The thoughts of the god-like mind ;
The wind lags after my flying forth,
The lightning is left behind.
Tn the darksome depths of the fathomless mine
Biy tireless arm doth play,
Where the rocks never saw the sun decline,
Or the dawn of the glorious day.
I bring earth's flittering jewels up
From the hidden cave below,
And I make the fountain's granite cup
With a crystal gush o'erflow.
I blow the bellows, I forge the steel
In all the shops of trade ;
I hummer the oar and turn the wheel
Where my arms of strength are made;
I manage the furnace, the mill, the mint,
I carry, I spin, I weave ;
And all my doings I put into print
On every Saturday eve.
I've no muscle to weary, no breast to decay, #
No bones to be 'laid on the shelf,'
And soon I intend you may 'go and play,'
While I manage the world by myself.
But harness me down with your iron bands,
Be sure of your curb and rein,
For I scorn the strength of your puny hands
As the tempest scorns a chain.
A Poodle Dog. — A friend of mine had a poodle dog possessed
of more than ordinary sagacity, but he was, however, under little
command. In order to keep him in better order, my friend pur-
chased a small whip, with which he corrected the dog once or twice
during a walk. On his return, the whip was put on a table in the
liall, and the next morning it was missing, it was soon after-
wards found concealed in an outbuilding, and agaiu made use of
in correcting the dug. It was, however, again lust, hut found
bidden in another place. On Watching the dog, who was suspec-
ted of being the culprit, he was seen to take the whip from the hull-
table, and run away with it, in order again to hide it. The late
James Cuiimiing, livj., was the owner of the dog, and related
this anecdote to me.
The Sort of Clothing Lawyers Like. — Chancery suits.
FUN AND AMUSEMENT. 109
MIGHT IS RIGHT.
TRANSLATED FROM THK GERMAN.
Upon a tree a sparrow caught
A fine fat 11 y and held it fast ;
Nor tears nor groans avail'd it aught —
Yet, ' spare my life !' it cried at last.
'No :' Murder said, ' for my good beak
Is sharp and strong, and thine is weak.'
A hawk descried him at his feast
And shot down from his airy height—
* Let go your hold, you cruel beast !
What have I done that is not right?*
' No,' Murder cried, ' you're fairly mine,
For my beak's stronger far than thine.'
Just then an eagle, poised to strike,
Pounced down, and snapp'd his back in two—
' Let go, my lord ! you would not like
That one should do the same to you.'
'Pugh !' Murder cried, thou art justly mine,
For my beak's stronger far than thine.'
He scarce had seized his prey, when, lo !
A hunter's arrow pierced his head —
'My curse upon thee and thy bow,'
The eagle cried, and fell down dead.
' Pugh !' Murder cried, ' thou'rt mine I wot,
For I'm a man and thou art not.'
A hungry bear was passing by,
And struck the hunter to the ground —
' Presumptuous beast, know'st not that I
Your king, by God himself, am crown'd?'
' Pugh !' Murder cried, thou'rt mine I wot,
For I'm a bear, and thou art not.'
Is might not right, here, everywhere,
From fly to eagle, man to bear?
A Smuggler's Trick. — It was a stark calm ; and as the fog
cleared up a little 1 saw I was lost in the very jaws of a ship of
war, and I almost gave up all for lost. However, as they were
lowering their jolly boat to board me, I sculled off to them, all alone
in my little punt, and asked the people of the ship if they knowed
what was good for the measles ! I could hear them laugh from
stem to stern. A big fat man they called the doctor, told me to
keep my patients warm, and to give them hot drinks. It was
enough ; they took care not to come near the Peggy Ann that time.
110 THE BOOK OF
RICHARD AND BETTY AT HICKLETON FAIR.
As I wur ganging last Sat'rday neet to buy half-a-pound o' bakon,
who sbou'd I meet but my old sweetheart, Betty Hunt, un she said,
'aye, Richard, be that thou,' un I said, 'ees, sure it be,' un she
said, ' Richard' wudn't thee be ganging to Hickleton Vair at mor-
row ?' and I said, ' I nowd'nt not haply I mought,' and Betty
la'aught; and I said, 'I wou'd, and I did, and I went to Hickle-
ton Vair. And so in the morning I gotten up and putten on my best
shuen, cloggen shoen ware out at fashion then, and I went clink-
ma clank ma clank all t'way to townend, and vurst I seed were
Betty standing at her Vather's door, wi' two chaps hanging on
either haarm, un I felt all over in sike a conflagration, all my
blood gotten into my knuckles — oh, I'd a nation good mind to
gien a bat o't chops, for Betty took na notice of me ; so I stared
at her, but she said, 'aye, Richard, be that thou?' and I said, 'ees'
sure it be ;' and she said, 'Richard, would'nt the come int' house,'
and I said, 'ees, I would,' and I did, and I went int' house ; and
there were a very many people, vary many indeed, and Betty said,
'Richard, wou'd nt thee have a drap o' sunimat t' drink?' and I
said, 'ees, I would,' and I did, and I had a drap o' summat t'
drink, and I la'af'd, and wur vary merry, vary merry indeed ; and
Betty said, ' Richard, wou'dn't thee sing us a song?" and 1 said,
4 ees I would,' and I did, and chaunted a steave —
The cluck had struck, I can't tell what,
But the morn came on as grey as a rat ;
The cocks and hens from their roost.-; did fly,
Grunting pigs too had left their stye.
Down in a vale,
Carrying u pail.
Cicely was met by her true love Harry,
Vurst they kiss't,
Then shook fist,
And look'd like two fools just going to marry.
Aye, I remember vary weel that wur the vurst song I ever sung
Betty Hunt, and she said, 'thee'd sin;;' us another song, wouldn't
thee;' and I said 'ees, I wou'd, and I did, and I sang'd another
song — aye, I remember vary weel that wur tin- last song I ever
sung poor Betty; un at last I said, ' I must be ganging, Betty,'
and she said, 'well when thee wo't, Richard, when thee wo'l ; and
1 said, ' thee'd cum and sec ma sum at way whoam,' and she s;iid,
she would, and she did, and she see'd me a bit'ut way — all the way
to townend ; and I said 'thee'd gi' us ;i liuss, wou'dn't thee, and
she said, 'ees, she wou'd,' and she did, and she giv'd me a buss.
•Weel. Betty, thec't let me cum and see thee at morrow nee't,'and
FUN AND AMUSEMENT. Ill
she said, 'and thee wo't, Richard:' so I pang myseii whoara and
gotten to bed, and went at morrow nee't to meet Betty — eight
o'clock, and na Betty — nine o'clock, ten o'clock, and na Betty —
eleven, twelve o'clock, and na Betty ; so I tho't I'd gang myscn
whoam ; so in the morning I were told poor Betty war vary badly,
vary badly indeed, and she had sent to see ma; so I went to see
poor Betty, and she said, 'Richard, if I shou'd dee, thee'd goo to
my burying, wou'dn't thee? and I said I wou'd, and I did, and I
went to her burying, for poor Betty deed ; and I ne'er go to II ic-
kleton churchyard without dropping a tear to the memory of poor
Betty Hunt.
THE CHOICE.
A Quaker, residing 1 at Paris, was waited on by four workmen, in
order to make their compliments, and ask for their usual New Year's
gifts.
' Well, my friends,' said the Quaker, 'here are your gifts ; choose
fifteen francs or the Bible.'
'I don't know how to read,' said the first, 'so I take the fifteen
francs.'
' I can read,' said the second, 'but I have pressing wants.' lie took
the fifteen francs.
The third also made the same choice.
He now came to the fourth, a lad about fourteen. The Quaker
looked at him with an air of kindness — ' Will you, too, take these tlireo
five franc pieces, which you may obtain at any time by your labour
and industry ?'
'As you say the book is good, I will take it, and read it to my mo-
ther,' replied the boy. He took the Bible, opened it, and found be-
tween the leaves a gold piece of forty francs.
The others hung down their heads ; and the Quaker told them he
was sorry they had not made a better choice.
The Stomach.— I firmly believe that almost every malady of
the human frame is, either high-ways or by-ways, connected with
the stomach. The woes of every other member are founded on
your belly timber ; and I must own I never see a fashionable phy-
sician mysteriously consulting the pulse of his patient, but 1 feel
a desire to exclaim — ' Why not tell the poor gentleman at once.
' Sir you have eaten too much ; you've drunk too much ; and you
have not taken exercise enough!'' The human frame was not
created imperfect. It is we ourselves who have made it so. There
exists uo donkey in creation so overloaded as our stomachs.
112 THE BOOK OF
A THIRSTY SOUL.
A very good widow lady, who was looked up to by the congre-
gation to which she belonged, as an example of piety, contrived to
bring her conscience to terms for one little indulgence. She
loved porter, and one day, just as she was receiving half-a-dozen
bottles from the man who usually brought her the comforting bev-
erage, she perceived (0 horror!) two of the grave elders of the
church approaching the door. She hurried the man out the back
way, and put the bottles under the bed. The weather was hot, and
while conversing with the sage friends, pop went one of the corks.
' Dear me,' exclaimed the good lady, 'there goes that bed-cord;
it snapped yesterday just the same way ; I must have a new rope
provided.' In a few moments pop went another, followed by the
peculiar hissing of the escaping liquor. The rope woudn't do again,
but the good lady was not at a loss. ' Dear me,' says she, ' that
black cat of mine must be at some mischief there. — Hist cat !'
Another bottle popped off, and the porter came stealing out from
under the valance! ' Dear me,' said she, ' I had forgot that it was
them bottles of yeast.'
' N. S X v- X V -
THE SWEEPER AND THE THIEVES.
A sweeper's lad was late o' th' nceg-ht,
His slap shod shoon had laeam'd his feet;
He call'd to see a good awd deeame,
At mony a time had triirg'd his weame,
For he wor then fahve miles fra yam :
He ax'd i' t' lair te let him sleep,
An' he'd next day their chimlera sweep.
They supper'd him wi' country fare,
Then show'd him tul his liool i' t' lair.
He crept in tul his streeahy bed,
His pooak o' seeat beneath his heead,
He wor content, nur card a pin,
An' his irood friend then lock'd him in.
The lair frae t' hoose a distance Btood —
Between 'cm grew a lahtle wood;
Ahou^ht midneeght, or neari r raoi
Two thieves brack in te steeal ther coorn :
Hi \ in a leeght i' t' lantern dark,
Secan they te winder fell te wark ;
And wishing they'd a lad le fill,
Young Brush, when yet bad lig f'd q
Tbinkin' 'at men belang'd te t' hoose,
An' that he noo mud be o' use,
TUN AND AMUSEMENT. 113
Jump'd doon directly on te' t' fleear,
An' t' thieves beeatb van out at deear ;
Nur stop at owt nur thin nur thick,
Fully convinc'd it wur awd Nick.
The sweeper lad then ran reeght seean
T' t' hoose an' tell'd 'em what wor deean;
Maister 'an men then quickly i - aise,
An' ran to t' lair wi' hawf tlier cleeas.
Twea horses, seeks, an' leeght they fand,
Which had been left by t' thievish band :
These round t' t' neybourheead they cry'd,
But nut an owner e'er apply 'd
For neean durst horses own or seeks,
They wor so freg'hten'd o' ther necka.
They seld the horses, and of course,
Put awf o' the brass i' Sooty's purse;
Desiring' when he com that way,
He'd awlus them a visit pay ;
When hearty welcome he sud have,
Because he did ther barley save.
Brush chink'd the guineas in his hand,
An' oft to leeak at 'em did stand,
As he came he wistling- teeak his way,
Blessin' t' awd deeam wha let him stay
An' sleep i' t' lair, when late o' t' neeght,
His slap-shod shoon had leeam'd his feet.
Purgent Wit.— A couple of Irishmen, who had not been long
in this country, met at an inn and called for dinner. As it so hap-
pened, there was a dish of horseradish grated for dinner. Pat,
thinking it was something to be eaten with a spoon, put a large
spoonful into his mouth. The tears immediately filled his eyes
and rolled down his cheeks. His companion saw it, and said —
' Pat, what is the matter ?' — ' I was just thinking of my poor father
that was hanged in swate Ireland,' answered Pat. But Jemmy
soon filled his mouth with the same, and as the tears gushed from
his eyes also, Pat says — ' What's the matter, what has happened
to ye r" — ' Ah !' says Jemmy, ' I was just thinking what a pity it
was that you were not hanged when your father was.'
Two cardinals found fault with Puiphael for having in one of
his pictures given too florid a complexion to St. Peter and St. Paul.
' Gentlemen,' replied the artist, ill-pleased with the criticism, ' don't
he surprised ; I paint them just as they look in heaven. They arc
blushing with shame to see the church below so badly governed.'
n
114 THE BOOK OF
Magnanimity. — In Germany, during; the war, a captain of
cavalry was ordered out upon a foraging; expedition. He put
himself at the head of his troop, and marched to the quarter as-
signed him. It was a solitary valley, in which hardly any thing
but wood was to be perceived. Finding in the midst of it a small
cottage, he approached and knocked at the door, which was opened
by an old and venerable mail, with a beard silvered by age. ' Fa-
ther,' said the officer, ' show me a field where I may set my troop
to foraging.' The old man complied, and conducting them out of
the valley, after a quarter of an hour's march came to a fine field
of barley. 'Here is what we are in search of,' exclaimed the
captain ; 'father, you are a true and faithful guide.' 'Wait yet a
lew minutes,' replied the old man; 'follow me patiently a little
further.' The march was accordingly resumed, and at the distance
of a mile, they arrived at another field of barley. The troop im-
mediately alighted, cut down the grain, trussed it, and remounted.
The officer thereupon said to his conductor, 'Father, you have
given yourself and us unnecessary trouble; the' first field was far
better than this.' 'Very true, sir,' replied the good old man, 'but
it was not mine.' — St. Pierre.
WEDDINGS.
'I like to 'tend wedding's,' said Mrs. Parting-ton, ns she returned
from one in church, and hung- her shawl up and replaced her black
bonnet in her long-preserved bandbox ; ' I like to see young: people
come together with the promise to love, cherish, and nourish each
other. But it is a solemn thing; is matrimony — a very solemn thing —
where the minister comes into the chancery with his surplus on, and
goes through the ceremony of making them ' man and wife.' It ought
to be husband and wife, for it isn't every husband that turns out to
be a man. I declare I never shall forget how I felt when Paul put
the nuptial ring on my finger, and said, 'with my goods I thee endow.'
He used to keep a dry-goods store then, and I thought he was going
to give me all there was in it. I was young and simple, and didn't
know till afterwards that it only meant one cotton gown a year. It
is a lovely sight to see young people 'pliirhtin' their trough,' as the
song- saya, and 'consume their vows.' ' 8he bustled about, and got tea
ready, but abstractedly put on the broken tea-pot, that bad lain away
unused since Paul was alive, and the tea-cup mended with putty and
dark with age, as if the idea had conjured up the ghost of past enjoy-
ment to dwell for the moment in the home of her present widowhood.
A young lady, who expected to be married on Thanksgiving Night,
wept copiously at her remarks, but kept on hemming the veil that was
to adorn her brideship, and Ike sat pulling the bristles out of the
hearth-brush in expressive silence.
EUN AND AMUSEMENT. 115
THE BREWER'S COACHMAH.
Honest William, an easy and g-ood-natured fellow,
Would a little too oft, get a little to mellow.
Body-coachman was lie to an eminent brewer-
No better e'er sat on a box, to be sure :
His coach was kept clean, and no mothers or nurses
Took such care of their babes, as be did of his horses.
He had these — aye and fifty good qualities more,
But the business of tippling- could ne'er be got o'er;
So his master effectually mended the matter,
By hiring a man who drank nothing 1 but water.
' Now, William,' says. lie, ' you see the plain case,
Had you drank as he does, you'd have kept a good place.'
' Drink water !' quoth William, ' had all men done so,
You would never have wanted a coachman, I trow:
'Tis soakers, like me, whom you load with reproaches —
That enable you brewers to ride in your coaches.'
INSTANCE OF SAGACITY IN A DOG.
He informed me that a friend of his, an officer in the forty-fourth
regiment, who had occasion, when in Paris, to pass one of the
bridges across the Seine, had his boots, which had been previously
well polished, dirtied by a poodle-dog rubbing against them. He
in consequence went to a man who was stationed on the bridge,
and had them cleaned. The same circumstance having occurred
more than once, his curiosity was excited, and he watched the dog.
He saw him roll himself in the mud of the river and then watch
for a person with well-polished boots, against which he contrived to
rub himself. Finding that the shoe-black was the owner of the
dog, he taxed him with the artifice ; and after a little hesitation
he confessed that he had taught the dog the trick, in order to pro-
cure customers for himself. The officer being much struck with
the dog's sagacity, purchased him at a high price, and brought
him to England. He kept him tied up in London some time, and
then released him. The dog remained with him a day or two,
and then made his escape. A fortnight afterwards he was found
with his former master, pursuing his old trade of dirtying gentle-
men's boots on the bridge.
'6'
' I say, Mr. Johnson, did you hear 'bout de catalepsy dat befel
Phillise ?' — ' Ob course I didn't ; what was itr° — ' You see, de doc-
tor ordered a blister on her chist ; well, as she hadn't no chist, no
how, she put urn on de band-box, and it drawed her new pink bon-
net out ob shape and spile urn entirely.'
116 THE BOOK OP
PAT AT THE POST-OFFICE.
The following colloquy actually took place at an Eastern Post-
Office : — Pat : ' 1 say, Mr. Postmaster, is there a litther for me ?'
'Who are you, my good sir?' — ' I'm meself, that's who I am.'
'Well, what is your name?' — 'An' what do ye want wid the
name? — is'nt it on the litther?'
' So that I can find the letter if there is one.' — ' Will, Pat Byrne,
thin, if ye must have it.'
' Xo, sir — there is none for Pat Byrne.' — 'Is there no way to git
in there hut through this pane of glass ?'
'No sir.' — It's will far ye there isn't. I'd teach ye hetther man-
ners thin to insist on a gentleman's name ; but ye didn't git it
after all — so I'm aven wid ye j divil the bit is me name Byrne !'
LACONICS.
Men will wrangle for religion ; write for it; fight for it; die
for it ; anything but live for it.
The excesses of our youth, are drafts upon our old ago, payable
with interest, about thirty years after date.
The true motives of our actions, like the real pipes of an organ,
are usually concealed. But the gilded and the hollow pretext is
pompously placed iu the front for show.
An act, by which we make one friend, and one enemy, is a lo-
sing game ; because revenge is a much stronger principle than
gratitude.
It is better to be laughed at, than ruined ; better to have a wile,
who, like Martial's Mamurra, cheapens every thing, and buys noth-
ing, than to be impoverished by one whose vanity will purchase every
thing, but whose pride will cheapen nothing.
He that openly tells his friends all that he thinks of them, must
expect that they will secretly tell his enemies much that they do
not think of him.
The greatest friend of Truth is Time ; her greatest enemy is
Prejudice, and her constant companion, is Humility.
Did universal charity prevail, earth would be an heaven, ami
hell a fable.
There are only two things in which the false professors of all
religions have agreed ; to persecute all oilier sects, ami to plunder
their own.
"FUN AND AMUSEMENT. 117
MY LETTERS.
11 Litera scripta manet." — Old Saw.
Another mizzling 1 , drizzling 1 day !
Of clearing up there's no appearance,
So I'll sit down without delay,
And here at least I'll make a clearance!
So Molly, draw that hasket nigher,
And put my desk upon the table —
Bring that portfolio — stir the fire —
Now off as fast as you are able.
First, here's a card from Mrs. Grimes,
1 A Ball '—she knows that I'm no dancer —
That woman's asked me fifty times,
And yet I never send an answer.
" Dear Jack,
Just lend me twenty pounds,
Till Monday next, when I'll return it.
Yours truly,
Henry Gibbs."
Why, z ds !
I've seen the man but twice — here, burn it.
One from my cousin, Sophy Daw,
Full of Aunt Margery's distresses.
" The cat has kitten'd ' in the draw,'
And ruin'd two bran-new siik dresses.
From Sam, " The Chancellor's motto" — nay
Confound his puns, he knows I hate 'em ;
"Pro liege, Lege, Grege" — ay,
" For king read mob !" Brougham's old erratum.
From Seraphina Price — " At two —
Till then I can't, my dearest John, stir."
Two more, because I did not go,
Beginning " Wretch !" and " Faithless monster !"
" Dear Sir,
This morning Mrs. P.
Who's doing quite as well as may be,
Presented me at half-past three
Precisely, with another baby ;
" We'll name it John, and know with pleasure
You'll stand" Five guineas more, confound it !—
I wish they'd call'd it Nebuchadnezzar,
Or thrown it in the Thames, and drown'd it,
118 THE BOOK OF
What have we next ? A civil Dun,
" John Brown would take it as a favour,—
Another, and a surlier one,
" I can't put up with sich behaviour.
" Bill so long standing," — " quite tired out," —
" Must sit down to insist on payment" —
" Call'd ten times !" here's a fuss about
A few coats, waistcoats, and small raiment !
For once I'll send an answer, and in —
— form Mr. Snip he needn't " call" so,
But, when his bill's as " tired of standing'
As he is, beg 'twill " sit down" also.
This from my rich old uncle, Ned,
Thanking me for my annual presen
And saying he last Tuesday wed
His cook-maid Nelly— vastly pleasant !
An ill-spelt note from Tom at school,
Begging I'll let him learn the riddle —
Another from that precious fool
Miss Pyefinch, with a stupid riddle.
"If you was in the puddle," how
I should rejoice that sight to see ! —
" And you were out on't, tell me now
What that same puddle then would be ?"
"D'ye give it up" — indeed I do !
Confound these antiquated minxes,
I won't play " Billy Black," to a " Blue,"
Or CEdipus to such old Sphinxes.
A note sent up from Kent, to show me,
Left with my baliff, Peter King,
" I'll burn them b y stacks down, blow me
Yours, most sincerely,
Captain Swing."
Four beL'ginir letters with petitions,
One from my Bister Jane, to pray,
I'll execute a lew 'commissions
In bond stre< I, " when I go that way,"
Ami " buy at s in Uie city,
Twelve Bkeint of silk lor netting parses,
Colour no i', â– > ii - prettj ;
Two hundred pens " two hundred curses]
From Mrs. Jones i " My little Billy
I Op III :-..:..
FUN AND AMUSEMENT. 119
Will you just step to Piccadilly,
And meet him when the coach comes in 1"
"'And then, perhaps, you will as well see
The poor dear fellow safe to school,
At Dr. Smith's, in Little Chelsea ?"
Heaven send he flog- the little fool.
From Lady Snooks : " Dear sir, you know,
You promised me last week a Rebus,
Or something - smart and apropos
For my newjAlbum '.'" Aid me, Phoebus !
" My hint is followed by my second ;
Yet should my first my second see,
A dire mishap it would be reckon'd,
And sadly shock'd my first would be.
"Were I but what my Whole implies,
And pass'd by chance across your portal,
You'd cry. ' Can I believe my eyes ?
I never saw so queer a mortal.'
"For then my head would not be on,
My arms their shoulders must abandon,
My very body would be gone,
I should not have a leg- to stand on."
Come, that's dispatch'd— what follows? — stay —
" Reform demanded by the nation ;
Vote for Tag-rag- and Bobtail," — ay,
By Jove, a blessed Reformation ! I
Jack, clap the saddle upon Rose, —
Or no — the filly — she's the fleeter ;
The devil take the rain — Here goes —
I'm oft' — a plumper for Sir Peter.
^S *• ^ V • â–
LOST AND FOUND, AND FOUND AND LOST.
Some gentlemen of a Bible Association calling upon an old wo-
man to see if she had a bible, were severely reproved with a spirit-
ual reply, ' Do you think, gentlemen, that I am a heathen that you
should ask me such a question ?' then addressing a little girl, she
said, ' run and fetch the bible out of my drawer, that I may show
it to the gentlemen.' The gentlemen declined giving her the trou-
ble, but she insisted on giving them ocular demonstration. Ac-
cordingly the bible was brought nicely covered ; and on opening
it the old woman exclaimed, ' Well, how glad I am you have
come ; here are my spectacles, that I have been looking for these
t/trcr years and didn't know where to find 'em."
120 THE BOOK OF
PERIL.
There is a story, and which I believe is fact, of two boys going to
take a Jackdaw's nest from a hole under the belfry window in the tow-
er of All Saints' Church, Derby. As it was impossible to reach it
standing within the building-, and equally impossible to ascend to that
height from without, they resolved to put a plank through the win-
dow ; and while the heavier boy secured its balance by sitting on the
end within, the lighter boy was to fix himself on the opposite end, and
from that perilous situation to reach the object of their desire. So
far the scheme answered. The little fellow took the nest, and, finding
in it five fledged young birds, announced the news to his companion.
'Five are there?' replied he; 'then I'll have three.' 'Nay,' ex-
claimed the other indignantly, ' I have run all the danger, and I'll
bave the three.' 'You shall not,' still maintained the boy in the in-
side; ' you shall not. Promise me three, or I'll drop you!' 'Drop
me, if you please,' replied the little hero; 'but I'll promise you no
more than two ;' upon which his companion slipped off the plank.
Up tilted the end, and down went the boy, upwards of a hundred feet,
to the ground. The little fellow, at the moment of his fall, was hold-
ing his prize by their legs, three in one hand, and two in the other;
and they finding themselves descending, fluttered out their pinions in-
stinctively. The boy, too, had on a stout carter's frock, secured round
the neck, which filling with air from beneath, buoyed him up like a
balloon, and he descended smoothly to the ground ; when, looking up,
he exclaimed to his companion, ' Now you shall have none!' and ran
away, sound in every limb, to the astonishment of the inhabitants, who,
with inconceivable horror, had witnessed his descent.
ANECDOTES OF MR. ABERNETHY.
Mr. AmcRNETHY was a man of genius, but very eccentric. How-
ever he bad no real moroseness of disposition ; his impatience of loqua-
city and superfluous details arose from a great degree of BBgacity,
clearness of judgment, and a feeling of independence. He seemed "to
feel as if he mentally expressed himself thus :— ' Here I am, ready to
give my advice if you want it ; but you must take it us you find it,
and if you don't like it, egad, (his favourite word) you may go about
your business, I don't want to have anything to do with you ; hold
your tongue and be oil. In some such mood as this he received a
visit from a lady on,' daj who was well-acquainted will) bis invincible
repugnance to her sex's predominant disposition, and who therefore
forbore speaking bul simply in reply to his laconic queries. The con-
sultation was conducted during three visits in the following manner : —
First day— Lady enters and hoi. Is out her finger— Abernethy. 'Cut?'
Lady. « Bite.' k. 'HogV L. 'Parrot.' A. 'Go home and poulti
it.' Second day— Finger held out again— A. 'Better?' I.. 'Woi
FUN AND AMUSEMENT. 121
A. ' Go home and poultice it again.' Third day — Finger held out as
before — A. 'Better?' L. 'Well.' A. ' You're the most sensible wo-
man I ever met with. — Good bye — Get out.'
Another lady having- scalded her arm, called at the usual hour to
show it three successive days, when similar laconic conversations took
place. First day — Patient, exposing- the arm, says — 'Burnt.' A. ' I
see it,' and having- prescribed a lotion ; she departs. Second day —
Patient shows the arm, and says — 'Better.' A. 'I know it.' Third
day — .Again showing- the arm, Patient — ' Well.' A. 'Any fool can tell
that.— What d'ye come ag-ain for? — Get away.'
A patient consulted Mr. Abernethy for a pain of the arm, and, hold-
ing- it up in the air, said, ' It always gives me pain when I hold it up
so.' A. ' Then why the devil do you hold it up so?'
In all cases of obesity and repletion, Mr. Abernethy was especially
impatient, and indisposed to prescribe. A portly gentleman from the
country once called on him for advice and received the following- an-
swer : ' You nasty beast, you go and fill your g , and then you
come to me to empty them.'
A young lady was brought one morning by her mamma, complaining-
of difficulty of breathing when taking exercise and after her meals.
Perceiving her to be tightly laced round the waist, Mr. Abernethy
seized a pair of scissors, and without saying a word, ripped up the stays
from top to bottom, and then desired her to walk about for ten minutes.
The injunction being complied with accordingly, he demanded how she
felt. ' Better,' was the reply. The mandate was repeated, and the
walk being finished, he asked — ' How now?' ' Quite well,' was the an-
swer. Abernethy. ' That will do. — Take her away, — and don't let her
wear tight stays.' In such a case a common physician would probably
prescribe to oblige the apothecary and to please the patient. The ec-
centric professor went directly to the cause at once, and removed it,
without caring who was pleased or who not so, having no sinster object
in view. Another young lady was one summer's morning brought to
him by her mother in consequence of the former having swallowed a
spider. Mr. Abernethy dextrously caught a blue-bottle fly as it fled
by him, and told the patient to put it into her mouth, and if she spit
it out in a few moments the spider would come out with it.
A lawyer having called to show the state of his leg, proceeded to re-
move the bandages, which Mr. Abernethy endeavoured to prevent,
repating every now and then — 'No, no — that will do, — shut it up —
shut it up.' Accordingly the lawyer yielded at length, but determined
on revenge Mr. Abernethy having simply prescribed for the stomach
without regard to the leg, the patient tendered a shilling, and pre-
pared to depart, when the former, missing the expected sovereign, ob-
served that there must be some mistake. ' No, no,' said the lawyer,
advancing to the door, ' that will do — that will do, — shut it up — shut
it up.'
Work of Necessity. — Unbuttoning a young gentleman's
waistcoat, to enable him to pick up his cane.
122 THE BOOK OF
Habit.— Habit will reconcile us to every thing but change,
and even to change if it recur not too quickly. Milton, therefore,
makes his hell an ice-house, as well as an oven, and freezes his
devils at one period, but bakes them at another. The late Sir
George Staunton informed ine, that he had visited a man in India,
who had committed a murder, and, in order not only to save his
life, but what was of much more consequence, his caste, he sub-
mitted to the penalty imposed ; this was, that he should sleep for
seven years on a bedstead, without any mattress, the whole surface
of which was studded with points of iron resembling nails, but not
so sharp as to penetrate the flesh. Sir George saw him in the
fifth year of his probation, and his skin was then like the hide of
a rhinoceros, but more callous ; at that time, however, he could
sleep comfortably on his 'bed of thorns,' and remarked, that at the
expiration of the term of his sentence, he should most probably
continue that system from choice, which he had been obliged to
adopt from necessity.
ON THE MARRIAGE OF AN OLD MAID.
Cloe, a coquet in her prime,
The vainest, ficklest thing alive ;
Behold tlie strange effects of time !
Marries, and dotes at forty-five.
Thus weathercocks which for awhile
Have turned about with every blast,
Grow old, and destitute of oil,
liust to a point and fix at last.
. y x^x -
FIGHT WITH A JAGUAR, OR AMERICAN TIGER.
A correspondent of the Galveston News gives an account of a
desperate fight between a Mr. Absolom Williams, who is about sen nty
years of age, his wife, and an enormous tiger, whieh occurred about
the 1st of December 1852, at Mr. Williams's residenoe. While Mr. and
Mrs. Williams were sitting in their house, the rest of the family bring
absent, they were startled by a Strange noise in the yard. Mr. Wil-
liams, on going out, discovered his dog engaged with a tiger. He
seizi '1 an ox yoke and aimed a blow at the beast, but, missing it, struck
his dog, which immediately retreated. In an instant the tiger sprang
upon Mr. Williams, and, seizing him by the baud, jerked him about
twenty feet. The old gentleman finding himself in the too pov,
grasp of the wild animal, courageously determined to give it the best
'rough and tumble light 1 in his power, and, having no weapon within
FUN AND AMUSEMENT. 123
reach, he seized the tiger by the throat with the other hand, and
throwing his whole strength forward, bore the animal to the ground
both falling side by side.
At this time Mrs. Williams came to the rescue, with a gun, which
she snapped at the tiger, but there being no priming in the pan, it did
not go off. Mr. Williams then with one arm round the tiger's body,
and grasping its throat with his other hand, by an effort disengaged
himself. The tiger, discovering a new adversary in the person of Mrs.
Williams, jumped at her, and attempted to grasp her head within its
jaws, while it struck and lacerated her breast with its fore paws. She
tried to avoid the monster, but was felled to the ground. The tiger
made another grasp at her head, his upper teeth penetrating at the
top of the skull, and, sliding along the bone, peeled off the skin till
they met the lower teeth, which penetrated on the right side of her
face. In the mean time, Mr. Williams had seized the ox-yoke again,
and, giving the tiger a tremendous blow, caused it to leave Mrs. Wil-
liams, when it leaped into the house and got under the bed. The door
was immediately closed, and the monster secured. Mr. Williams was
exhausted from the effects of his wounds, from which the blood flowed
in streams ; but not so his wife. When she saw their foe attempt to
take possession of their house, she determined to finish the battle, and,
notwithstanding the severity of her wounds, her dress almost entirely
torn from her person, and covered with blood, she deliberately took
the gun, and, shaking some powder from the barrel into the pan, pla-
ced the muzzle between one of the openings which the logs of the
house afforded, and fired with steady and deadly aim. The tiger was
killed. When subsequently measured, it was found to be twelve feet
from the tip of the tail to its nose. During all the time the fight was
progressing no one was within hearing. Mr. William's nearest neigh-
bour lives three miles off. However, as Mrs. Williams was washing
the blood from her person, a neighbour came riding by, and, alarmed
at her appearance, inquired the cause. The old lady, unable from the
loss of blood, to speak, pointed to the dead body of the tiger. The
escape of Mr. and Mrs. Williams is indeed wonderful, and they are
now recovering gradually from their wounds. Mr. Williams jokes
about the tiger fight, and intimates that the old lady was most enraged
when the ' varmint ' took possession of his bed and house.
Misconception. — The following conversation is said to have
taken place between Mrs. , of Boston, and her maid : ' Leah,
bring me some water with the chill taken off.' ' Yes, ma'am,
directly.' ' Leah, what on earth keeps you ?' ' I've been looking
ever since for the chill, ma'am, and I can't find it.' This reminds
us of the boy sent to boil some eggs soft ; when questioned aa
to what detained him, he answered. " Hot the things, it ain't
no use, they won't bile soft. I've been at 'em more than an hour,
and the more I bile 'em the harder they gets,''
124 THE BOOK OF
The Nantucket Islander says the following story was lately told
by a reformed inebriate, as an apology for much of the folly of
drunkards : — A mouse ranging about a brewery, happening to fall
into a vat of beer, was in imminent danger of drowning, and ap-
pealed to a cat to help him out. The cat replied, ' It is a foolish
request, for as soon as I get you out I shall eat you.' The mouse
piteously replied that that would be far better than to be drowned
in beer. The cat lifted him out, but the fume of the beer caused
puss to sneeze, and the mouse took refuge in a hole. The cat
called upon the mouse to come out — ' Did you not promise that I
should eat you ?' ' Ah !' replied the mouse, ' I did, but you know
/ was in liquor at the tune.'
HOW TO SAVE ONE'S BACON.
Early one fine morning-, as Terence O'Fleary was hard at work in
his potatoe-garden, he was accosted by his gossip, Mick Casey, who
he perceived had his Sunday clothes on.
• God's 'bud ! Terry, man, what would you be afthur doing- there
wid them praties, an Phelim O'Loug-hlin's berrin' goin' to take place?
Come along-, ma buchel ! sure the praties will wait?'
' Och ! no,' sis Terry, ' I must dig- on this ridge for the childer's
breakfast, an' thin I'm g-oin' to confession to Father O'Higgins, who
holds u stashin beyont there at his own house.'
• Bother take the stashin !' sis Mick, 'sure that 'ud wait too.' But
Terence was not to be persuaded.
Away went Mick to the berrin 1 ; and Terence, having- finished, ' wid
the praties,' as he said, went down to Father O'Higgins, where he was
shown into the kitchen, to wait his turn for confession. He had not
been long standing there, before the kitchen fire, when bis attention
was attracted by a nice piece of bacon, which hung- in the chimney-
corner. Terry looked at it again and again, and wished the cliilder
'had it at home wid the praties.'
' Murther alive !' says he, 'will I take it? Sure the priest can spare
it; an it would be a rare thrate to Judy an' the gorsoous at home, to
say nothin 1 iv mys< If, who hasn't tasted the likes this main's the day.'
Terry looked at it again, and then turned away, saying — 'I won't take
it — why wou'd I, an' it not mine, but the priest's ! an' I'd have the sin
iv it, sure ! I won't lake it," replied he, ' an' its' nothing but the Quid
Boy himself thafs timptin' me! But sure it's no harm to feel it, any
way,' said he, taking it into his hand, and looking earnestly at it; 'Och!
it's a beauty ; and why wouldn't 1 on -ry it home to Judy and the cliil-
der? An' sure it won't be a sin afther I confesses it!'
Well, into bis great ooal pocket he thrust it; and he had scaroely
dote- BO, When the maid came in and told him that it was bis turn for
oonfi ion,
FUN AND AMUSEMENT. 125
' Murther alivn ! I'm kilt and ruin'd, borse and foot, now, joy, Terry ;
what'll I do in this quandary, at all, at all ? By gannies ! I must thry
an' make the best of it, any how,' says he to himself, and in he went.
He knelt to the priest, told his sins, and was about to receive abso-
lution, when all at once he seemed to recollect himself, and cried out:
' Oh ! stop — stop, Father O'Hig-gins, dear ! for goodness' sake, stop!
I have one great big- sin to tell yit ; only sir, I'm frightened to tell id,
in the regard of never having- done the like afore, sur, niver !'
' Come,' said Father O'Higgins, ' you must tell it to me.'
' Why, then, your Riverince, I will tell id ; but, sir, I'm ashamed
like?'
' Oh, never mind ! tell it,' said the priest.
' Why, then, your Riverince, I went out one day to a g-intleman's
house, upon a little bit of business, an' he bein' ing-aged, I was showed
into the kitchen to wait. Well, sur, there I saw a beautiful bit iv ba-
con hanging- in the chimbly-corner. I looked at id, your Riverince,
an' my teeth beg'an to wather. I don't know how it was, sur, but I
suppose the Divil timpted me, for I put it into my pocket; but, if you
plaze, sur, I'll give it to you,' and he put his hand into his pocket.
' Give it to me !' said Father O'Hig-g-ins; ' no, certainly not ; g-ive it
back to the owner of it.'
' Why, then your Riverince, sur, I offered id to him, and lie would-
n't take id.'
'Oh! he wouldn't, wouldn't he?' said the priest; 'then take it
home, and eat it yourself, with your family.'
' Thank your Riverince kindly !' says Terence, ' an' I'll do that
same immediately, plaize God: but first and foremost, I'll have the ab-
solution, if you plaize, sir.'
Terence received absolution, and went home rejoicing- that he had
been able to save his soul and his bacon at the same time.
A PUZZLE.
Oh dear ! what can
the matter be?
that ! name
what
same
well
g-lad
tell
sad
in my
not
the
not
not
not
is
chang-'d except
know
not
am
am
dare
heart
be all
I
I'm
I
I
I
my
I in
indeed
myself
ill
g-riev'd
cause
sick
shall chang-'d
am
not
not
not
the
is
when I'm
I
I'm
am
am
heart
I
I
But
my
— â– â–
Undoubted Courage.—' Sambo, you nigger, are you afraid
of work?' ' G or Almighty bless you Massa, I no 'fraid of work,
I'll lie down and go asleep close by him side.'
126 THE BOOK OF
THE MARRIED SCHOLAR.
A scholar newly enter'd marriage life,
By study much, he did offend his wife ;
While all his company she expected,
He lov'd his books and his new wife neglected.
She to his study came, ' My dear,' said she,
Extreme love to your books eclipses me :
I wish I were transform 'd into a book,
That your affection might upon me look !
But in my wish I'd have it so decreed,
I'd be a book that you would love to read.
Husband, now say, which book's form should I take?'
' Mary,' said he, ' 'twere best an Almanack :
The reason why I would desire it so,
Almanacks are new every year, you know.
ANDERSON, THE WIZARD, SOLD BY A YANKEE.
Professor Anderson was looking- over the American and foreign
newspapers in the office of the New York Diitrltwan, when he saw
that he was closely scrutinized by a gentleman of tall stature and
swarthy appearance, who was evidently from the country. The fol-
lowing conversation took place: —
'I say! are you Professor Anderson, eh?'
'Yes, sir.'
' Wal, you're a tarnation smart man, I hear. You aint got that are
bottle of yourn with ye — have you?'
'No, sir.'
' Wal, I'm from down East, having been raised in Maine, and I
should like to purchase a duplicate of that are bottle, as I am going
out stumping for . 1 guess if I had your bottle, or its twin brother,
I'd soon Bwamp the Scotties, without talking politics, either !'
'I never carry my bottle with me, nor have I a duplicate of it.'
'Sorry for that, sir, 1 Bald the stumper. 'However,' he con-
tinued, 'I was once taught a trick when a boy, but 1 almost forget
how the thing was done, now. I'll tell you how it was, stranger, as
near as I can. I used to take a red cent, and change it into a ten-
dollar gold piece.'
MHi,' said the professor, 'that is quite simple : a mere trick of sleight
of band.'
' Wal, I know it's not very difficult, but as I forget how, will you
show me?' At the Mime time handing it cent to the Wizard.
1 Oh, yes, sir, if it will oblige you, 1 will show you in a moment.
Hold your hand,' said the Wizard, ' This is your cent, is it not ."
♦Yes, sir.'
' Clusr your hand*
FUN AND AMUSEMENT.
127
The down Easter closed his hand fast.
' Are you sure you have it V said the "Wizard.
'I guess I have,' said he, 'and I'll bet a dollar you can't change it
into a ten-dollar p - old piece.'
'Done !' said the Wizard. ' Now hold fast !'
'Yes, sir! I reckon I will — but stop! down with your dollar!
here's mine '.' said the Yankee.
The Wizard covered bis dollar.
'Now, sir, are you ready ?' said the Wizard.
'I aint nothing else !' said the down Easter.
1 Change !' said the Wizard. 'Now, sir, open your hand.'
He did so, and to his utter astonishment, he held a bona fide ten-
dollar gold piece !
'Well, sir,' said the Wizard, ' you see you have lost your dollar !'
'I guess I have !' said he, handing over the two dollars.
'Now,' said the professor, 'I'll bet you another dollar I'll change
the ten-dollar piece into your cent again, much quicker.'
'No, yer don't !' said the gent from Maine, placing the ten dollars
in his pocket, and buttoning up tight. ' I'm much obliged to you,
purfessor, but I reckon I'll leave it as it is ! Good morning, old /toss !'
said he, walking out of the office ; and, turning round as he reached
the door, he placed his digitals in close approximation to his proboscis,
saying: ' I guess there aint anything green about this child!' and
left the professor in utter amazement at his coolness.
THE CHAPTER OF MISSES.
The dear little Misses we meet with in life,
What hopes and what fears they awaken !
And when a man's taking a Miss for his wife,
He is Miss-led as well as Miss-taken.
When I courted Miss Kidd, and obtained the first kiss,
I thought, in the warmth of my passion,
That I'd made a great hit in gaining a Miss,
But 'twas only a Miss-calculation.
For so many Misses surrounded Miss Kid,
With me and my love interfering,
A jealous Miss-trust put it into her head
That she ought not to give me a hearing.
There's a certain Miss-chance that I met with one day
Who near sent my hopes to destruction,
For she had a suspicion of all I might say-
And all owinir to one Miss-construction,
Deceived by a Miss-information, I wrote,
The cause of her anger demanding ;
128 THE BOOK OF
Miss-direction prevented her jetting the note,
And introduced Miss-understanding.
When to make her my wife I exultingly swore,
Miss-belief 'made her douht my intention ;
And I nearly got wed to Miss-Jortnne, before
I could wean her from Miss-apprehension.
But when she no longer would yield to Miss-doubt
Nor be led by Miss-representation,
She had with Miss-like a serious fall out,
And to wed felt no more hesitation.
But when at the church to be married we went,
Miss-take made the fat parson linger,
And I was so annoyed by an awkward Miss-Jit,
I could not get the ring on her finger.
Having been so Miss-used, I kept a strict watch,
Though I still lived in fear of Miss-carriage ;
I found out, too late, that an unlucky Miss-match
Interfered with the joys of our marriage.
Miss-rule in our dwelling made every thing wrong,
Miss-management there took her station,
Till my cash, like the time I take writing my song,
Was all wasted by Miss-application.
Dean Swift being once upon a journey, attended by a servant,
they put up at an inn, where they lodged all night. In the morn-
ing the Dean called lor his hoots ; the servant immediately took
them to him : when the Dean saw them — " How is this, Tom,"
Bays he, " my boots are not cleaned ?" "No, sir," replied Tom —
" as you are going to ride, I thought they would soon be dirty
again." — " Very well ; go and get the horses ready." The servant
obeyed his orders, and in the mean time the Dean desired the
landlord to let him have no breakfast. When Tom returned, the
Dean asked if the horses were ready ? — " Yes, sir." " Go and bring
them out then." — 1 have not had my breakfast yet, sir." — Oh! no
matter for that; if you had it, you would soon be hungry again."
— They then mounted and rode off: as they rode, the Dean pulled
a book out of his pocket, and fell to reading. A gentleman met
them, and Beeing the Dean leading, was not willing to disturb him,
but passi d by till he met the servant " Who is that gentleman?"
said he. - " "Tis my master, sir." — " I know that, you blockhead —
but where are you going':"' "To heaven, sir." — "How do you
know thatP" " Because I am lasting, and my master is praying:
I think we are in the right road to that place."
TUN AND AMUSEMENT. 129
A SAILOR.
As a party of seamen were walking up Point-street, Portsmouth,
rather elated with liquor, ahull which had escaped from the King's
slaughter-house, came running towards the jolly tars with his tail
erect in the air, when all the men jumped out of his way except
one, and he being an immense sturdy fellow, stood in the street di-
rectly in the way of the bull, and hailed him in the following words:
— 'Bull, tihoy ! Bull, ahoy! I cry. Drop your peak, and put
your helm a starboard, or you'll run aboard of me?' The bull,
continuing his course, came in contact with Jack and capsized
him; hut Jack not being intimidated, sprung from the ground,
and shaking his clothes, very good-naturedly observed to the bull,
* Oh, you lubberly beast, 1 told you bow it would be."
THE YANKEE AND THE DUTCHMAN'S DOG
Abnku was a quiet, peaceable sort of Yankee, who lived on the same
firm nn which his fathers had lived before him, and was generally
considered a pretty cute sort of a fellow — always ready with a trick,
whenever it was of the least utility, yet when he did play any of his
tricks, 'twas done in such an innocent manner, that his victim could
do no better than take it all in good part.
Now it happened that one of Abner's neighbours sold a farm to a tol-
erable green specimen of a Dntchman — one of the real unintelligent,
stupid sort.
Von Vlom Schlopsch had a dog, as Dutchmen often have, who was
less unintelligent than his master, and who had, since leaving his "fa-
derland," became sufficiently civilised not only to appropriate the soil
as common stock, but had progressed so far in the good work as to ob-
tain his dinners from the neighbours' sheepfold on the same principle.
When Abner discovered this propensity in the canine department of
the Dutchman's family, lie called over to his new neighbour's to enter
complaint, which mission he accomplished in the most natural method
in the world.
" Wall, Von, your dog Blitzen's been killing my sheep."
"Ya! dat ish bace — bad — he ish vo'n goot tog — ya ! dat ish bad!"
" Sartain, it's bad, and you'll have to stop 'im."
" Ya! dat ish alias goot — but Ich weis nicht?"
" What's that you say ! he was niched? Wall, now look here, old
feller, nickin's no use — crop 'im — cut the tail off close — chock up to
his trunk — that'll cure him."
" Vat ish dat!" exclaimed the Dutchman, while faint ray of intel-
ligence crept over his features, " Ya, dat ish goot — dat cure von sheep
steal, eh?'"
1
130 THE BOOK OF
"Sartain it will, lie'll never touch sheep-meat again in this world."
said Abner, gravely.
" Den come mit me— he von mity g-oot tog; all the way from Yar-
many ; I not take one rive dollar — but come mit me and hold his tail,
th ? Ich chop him off.''
"Sartain," said Abner, " I'll hold his tail if you want me tew, but
you must cut it up close."
"Ya! dat ish right — Ich make 'im von goot tog — there, Blitzen,
Blitzen, come right here, you von sheep steal rashcull — I chop your
tail in von two pieces."
The dog obeyed the summons, and the master tied his feet fore and
aft, for fear of accident, and placing the tail in the Yankee's hand, re-
quested to lay it across a large block of wood.
" Chock up," said Abener, as he drew the butt of the tail close over
the log - .
" Ya, dat ish right— now you von bad tief sheep, I learns you better
juek," said Von Vlom Schlopsch, as he raised the axe.
It descended, and as it did so, Abner, with characteristic presence
of mind, gave a sudden jerk, and brought Blitzen's neck over the log,
and the head rolled over the other side.
" Wall I swow !" said Abner, with apparent astonishment, as he
dropped the headless trunk of the dog, " that was a leetle too close !"
" Mine Cot !" exclaimed the Dutchman, "you skust cut 'im off itc
ivrong end!"
Wealth. — An Arab, wandering in the deserts, and having eat-
en nothing for two days, was ready to expire with hunger. As he
passed by one of the wells used by the caravans to water their cam-
els, he perceived on the sand a little leathern bag. He took it up;
and feeling something within, ' Thanks be to Allah!' said he, 'these
are, I doubt not, either dates or nuts.' Elated with this expecta-
tion, he hastened to open his bag, but as soon as he saw what it
really contained, ' Alas !' said he, in an agony of distress, ' here
are only pearls !'
A young student, showing the Museum at Oxford to a party,
produced a rustv sword, which he assured them was the identical
sword with which Balaam was about to kill bis ass. One of the
company observed that he thought Balaam had no sword, but
only wished for one. ' You are right,' said the student, 'and this
is the very sword that he wished for '.'
Test Of Good Humour.— Wake a man up in the middle of
the night, and ask him to lend yo/> five shillings.
FUN AND AMUSEMENT. 131
THE BACHELOR'S EPITAPH.
IN MEMORY OF THE LATE
TIMOTHY SAPLESS DRYSIDES, Esq.,
OK SOLITUDE HALL, BUCKS, AGED SIXTY.
Here lies a man who never lived,
In social bliss at all ;
Here lies a man who never wived,
For a Bachelor he did fall.
Ne'er visit this spot but leave him to rot,
And let not a tear fall on his bier,
Except by old maids who may come here,
To see the cause of their being' so queer :
For they were willing:, but he was not;
For love's sweet killing no love he'd got !
lie was as cold as the North Pole Sea —
All darts of Cupid resisted he !
The charms of love and beauty were vain !
Oh ! Oh ! this Bachelor died insane !
He was wrong in his head through all his life,
For he took not to bed a nice sweet wife.
Then rot his bones under this stone, —
He's but a Bachelor whom none will own.
Old maids draw near without a tear,
And loudly laugh at his epitaph;
And place an iceberg on this grave,
An emblem of the Bachelor knave !
The like on earth ne'er be again 1
All maids repeat, Amen, Amen !
'Poor fugitive slave, Bill!" said Mrs. Partington, as her eyes
ran over the morning papers, and her quivering lip betrayed the ag-
itation of her mind ; poor fugitive slave, Bill ! I hope from my
soul they won't catch him — I hope they won't."
Sheridan is reported to have once fallen into a coal-cellar on
his way home, after a good supper at Druvy Lane ; and his abuse
of the vendor, for not keeping a light at his cellar-door was warm-
ly retorted by the wife. 'Hang it,' cried Sheridan, who was not
hurt, 'do you think I want to pocket your coals !' — ' No ,' retorted
the wench, 'but your nose may set the coal-hole on fire.'
Height of Charity. — Unlacing a young lady's stays, toenahle
her to sneeze.
132 THE BOOK OF
Quarrels. — If you cannot avoid a quarrel with a blackguard,
let'your lawyer manage it, rather than yourself. No man sweeps
lis own chimney, but employs a chimney sweeper, who has no
objection to dirty work, because it is his trade.
The Font and the Altar.— A gentleman of eighty-four hav-
ing taken to the altar a very young damsel, the clergyman led the
way to the font. 'What do I want with the font?' said the old
bridegroom. ' I beg your pardon,' replied the clerical wit; 'I
thought you had brought this child to be christened.'
THE PYRAMID OF BAYONETS.
The officers as well as sub-officers or the Russian horse-guards are
subjected to the most rigorous discipline, and are required to execute,
on horseback, all the manoeuvres of a theatrical equestrian.
One day an officer ot" the lancer guard was going through his exer-
cise before the Grand-Duke. He had performed all the usual evolu-
tions in the most satisfactory way until, when at full gallop, he was
nly ordered to turn, — his horse proved restive, and refused to
obey either liridle or spur.
The command was repeated in a thundering voice, and the officer
renewed his (Hurts to make the horse obey it; hut without effect, for
the fiery animal continued to prance about in defiance of his rider, who
was nevertheless an excellent horseman.
The rage of the Grand-Duke had vented itself in furious impreca-
tions, and all present trembled for the consequences. ' Halt !' he ex-
exclaimed, and ordered a pyramid of twelve muskets with fixed bayo-
in is, to be erected. The order was instantly obeyed.
The officer had by this time subdued the restiveness of his horse,
was ordered to leap the pyramid — and the spirited horse bore bis rider
baf ly over it.
Without an interval of delay, the officer was commanded to repeat
irful leap, and to the amazement of all present the noble horse
and his brave rider stood in safety on the other side of the pyramid.
The Grand-Duke exasperated at finding himself thus thwarted in
bis barbarous purpose, repeated the order for the third time. A
rial, who happened to be present, now stepped forward and interceded
for the pardon of the officer; observing thai the horse was exhausted,
and that tbe enforcement • if the order would he to doom both horse
iiml rider to a horrible death.
This humane remonstrance was not only disregarded, but was pun-
ished by the immediate arresl of the general who had thus pri sumed
to rebel.
'i lie word of command n ts Iven, and horse and rider for the third
time cleared tin â– . litt* ring b
FUN AND AMUSEMENT. 1,33
Rendered furious by these repeated disappointments, tbe Grand-Duke
exclaimed for the fourth time: — 'To the left about —Forward!' — The
command was obeyed, and for the fourth time the horse leapt the pyra-
mid and then, with his rider, dropped down exhausted. The officer
extricated himself from the saddle and rose unhurt, but the horse had
bulb his fore-legs broken.
The countenance of the officer was deadly pale, his eyes stared wild-
ly, and his knees sIiook under him.
A deadly silence prevailed as he advanced to the Grand-Duke, and
laying his sword at his Highness' feet, he thanked him in a faltering
voice for the honour he had enjoyed in the Emperor's service.
' I take back your sword,' said the Grand-Duke, gloomily, ' and are
you not aware of what may be the consequence of this undutiful con-
duct towards me?'
The officer was sent to the guard-house. He subsequently disappear-
ed, and no trace of him could be discovered.
This scene took place at St. Petersburg!), and the facts are proved
by the evidence of credible eye-witnesses.
EPIGRAM FROM SCARROBT.
A Confessor was caught t'other day rather jolly,
"Who observed, " When a man has committed a folly,
If he has any sense left, hastens straightway to me.
When, confessing his guilt, I can soon set him free;
But how hard is my fate ! for when wrong I have done,
Absolution's denied me by every one ;
In which case, that I may from conscience escape,
Take refuge from thought in the juice of the grape.
Professional Pomposity is well taken off in the following
anecdote. Shields Doctor : (looking learned and speaking slowly) â–
'Well, mariner, which tooth do you want extracted ? Is it a molar
or incisor ?' Jack (short and sharp) : ' It is in the upper tier, on
the larboard side. Bear a hand, you swab, for it is nipping my
jaw like a lobster !'
A wittol, a barber, and a bald-headed man travelled together.
Losing their way, they were forced to sleep in the open air ; and,
to avert danger, it was agreed to keep watch by turns. The lot
first fell on the barber, who, for amusement, shaved the fool's head
while he slept ; he then woke him, and the fool, raising his hand
to scratch his head, exclaimed, ' Here's a pretty mistake, rascal'
you have waked the bald-headed man instead of me,'
L34 THE BOOK OF
There is one passage in the Scriptures to which all the poten-
tates of Europe seem to have given their unanimous asseut and
approbation, and to have studied so thoroughly as to have it quite
at their fingers' ends. ' There went out a decree in the days of
Claudius Ccesar, that all the world should be taxed.'
Namesakes. — The head of John the Baptist, which is at
Amiens, was shown to the Abbe de Marolles. In kissing it he ex-
claimed, 'God be praised! this is fifth or sixth that I have had
the honour of kissing.'
aTJEEE OLD BACHELORS.
Ten thousand pounds 1 will bet,
You would not find so queer a set,
As queer old Bachelors !
And their loss none could regret,
Ever seeking gold to get,
Sordid old Bachelors !
When fair ladies they're before,
They prove themselves quite a bore,
Plaguy old Bachelors !
They've offer'd love to many a score,
Are yet unfixed as before,
Restless old Bachelors '
They say that married they will be,
When one to suit them they shall see,
Flattering old Bachelors
But sooner dry will be the sea,
Than they will pay the marriage fee,
Lying old Bachelors '
They'd rather have a dog and gun,
And on the race-course see the run,
Sporting old Bachelors !
While in the betting they arc done,
Regret must bitter ends such fun,
Foolii li old Bachelors '
Yel -till in riot's course they pr
h cannot end their sad disti
lii c. iv'd old Bachelors '
The g\a - unto their lips they press,
And tin ii it i nils in drnnLrnni
Drunki n old Bachelors '
FUN AND AMUSEMENT. 135
Wine and women they pursue,
Wealth they ever covet too,
Lustful old Bachelors !
Women often make them rue,
Money brings them mesery too,
Wretched old Bachelors !
They've no wife to tend their purse,
None with wliom they can converse,
Lonely old Bachelors
And they have themselves to nurse,
And their life is quite a curse,
Helpless old Bachelors !
Gentle maidens ! heed them not,
Despise the riches they have got,
Despise old Bachelors !
The hulky, skulky, sulky lot,
They'll lonely live, and lonely rot,
They'll DIE Old Bachelors !
GUTTISTG THE FISH.
One evening- a red-headed Connaught swell, of no small aristocra
tic pretensions in his own eyes, sent his servant, whom he had just
imported from the long-horned kingdom, in all the rough majesty of
a creature fresh from the 'wilds,' to purchase a hundred of oysters on
the City quay. Paddy stayed so long away, that Squire Trigger got
quite impatient and unhappy lest his 'body man' might have slipped
into the Lift'ey ; however, to bis infinite relief, Paddy soon made his
appearance, puffing and blowing like a disabled bellows, but carrying
bis load seemingly in great triumph. Well, Pat,' cried the master,
'what the devil kept you so long?' 'Long ! a thin, may be it's what
you'd have me to come home with half my arrant ?' says Pat. ' Half
the oysters?' says the master. 'No; but too much of the fish,' says
Pat. ' What fish ?' says he. ' The oysters, to be sure,' says Pat.
' What do you mean, blockhead ?' says he. ' I mean,' says Pat, ' that
there was no use with loading myself with more nor was useful.' 'Will
you explain yourself?" says he. ' I will,' says Pat, laying down his
load. ' Well then, you see, plaise your honour, as I was coming home
along the quay, mighty peaceable, who should I meet but Shammus
Maginnis; 'Good morrow, Shamien,' sis I; 'Good morrow kindly,
Paudeen,' sis he ; ' What is it you have in the sack V sis he ; ' A Cwt.
of oysters,' sis I ; 'Let us look" at them,' 6is he ; ' I will, and welcome,
sis I ; 'Orah ! thunder and. pratees !' sis he, openin the sack an exa-
minin them ; ' who sowld yon these ?' ' One Tom Kinham, that keeps
a small ship there below,' sis I ; 'Musha then, bad luck to that same
13G THE BOOK OF
Tom that sowhl the likes to you,' sis he; 'Arab, why, avic?' sis I;
'To make a Bulshour ov you an give thim to you without putting;
thim,' sis he ; 'An arn't they gutted, Jim, aroon ?' sis I; 'Oli! bad
luck to the one o' thim,' sis he ; ' Musha then,' sis I, ' what the dhoul
will I do at all at all, fur the master will be mad ;' ' Do !' sis lie, 'why
I'd rather do the thing for you mysel nor you should lose yon place,*
sis he ; so wid that he begins to gut them wid his knife, nate and clain,
an afeered ov dirtying the flags, begor, he swallowed the guts himself
from beginnin to ind, tal he had thim as dacent as you see thim here'
— dashing down at his master's feet his bag of oyster shells, to the no
small amazement of the Connaught worthy, as you may suppose.
EFFECT OF MUSIC.
A Scotch bag-piper traversing the mountains of Ulster, in Ire-
land, was one evening encountered by a starved Irish wolf. In
his distress the poor man could think of nothing better than to
open bis wallet, and try the effects of bis hospitality ; he did so,
anil the savage swallowed all that was thrown to him, with so im-
proving a voracity as if his appetite was but just returning to him.
The whole stock of provision was, of course, soon spent, and now
his only recourse was to the virtues of his bagpipe : which the mon-
ster no sooner beard, than be took to the mountains with the same
precipitation be bad left them The poor piper could not so per-
fectly enjoy bis deliverance, but that, with an angry look, at part-
ing he shook his head, saying, " Ay, are these your tricks ? Had
I known your humour, you should have bad music before supper."
^ v ^ -v -
A GOOD GUN.
A country farmer told a friend of his, who had come from town
for a few days' shooting, that be once bad so excellent a gun thai
it went off immediately upon a thief coming into th • house, although
not charged. ' How the deuce is that?' said his friend. 'Why,'
replied the farmer, 'because the thief carried ii off; and, what was
worse, before I bad time to charge him with it.'
A Question. — Judge Jeffries, of notorious memory, pointing
to a man with his cane who was about to be tri< d, said, " There is
a great rogue at the end of my cane." The man to whom be
pointed) looking at him, said, " At which end, my Lord ':"
•\ Btudenl in win! of money sold his bonks, and wrote home,
' Father, rejoice ; for 1 now derive my supnort from literatu
TUN AND AMUSEMENT. 137
An Extraordinary Story. — Mr. Francis, in his recently pub-
lished volume of insurance anecdotes, relates the following : — A
merchant appeared in the commercial walks of Liverpool, where,
deep in the mysteries of cotton and corn, a constant attendant at
church, a subscriber to local charities, and a giver of good dinners,
he was much respected. The hospitalities of the house were
gracefully dispensed by his niece ; but at length it became whis-
pered that his speculations were not successful, and it was neces-
sary for him to borrow money. This he did upon the security of
property belonging to his niece ; a certain amount of secrecy was
necessary for the sake of his credit, .and the Liverpool underwriters
readily assented. He insured her life with at least ten different
merchants or underwriters for £2,000 each, and the same game
was again played over. The lady was taken ill, the doctor was
sent for, and found her in convulsions. A specific was administered,
but in the course of the night he was again summoned, but arri-
ved too late. Next morning it was known to all Liverpool that she
had died suddenly. The body lay in state, and the merchant re-
tained his position, and bore himself with a decent dignity under
his affliction. He made no immediate application for the money,
and scarcely alluded to it, but he had selected his victims with
skill. They were safe and honourable men, and he duly received
his £20,000. From this period he appeared to decline in health,
and was recommended change of climate : he went abroad, and
with liim his clever partner, who possessed the wonderful power of
simulating death, and deceiving tbe medical men.
NON-PROPOSALS, OR DOUBTS RESOLVED.
I WONDER when 'twill be our turn
A wedding here to keep !
Sure Thomson's 'flame' might quicker burn,
His ' love seems gone to sleep !
I wonder why he hums and haws
With 'kerchief at his nose •
And then makes one expecting pause,
Yet still he don't propose.
I wonder whether Bell or Bess,
It is he most admires,
Even Mi tress Match' em cannot guess —
It really patience tires,
He hung, last night, o'er Bella's chair,
And things seem'd at a close —
To day 'twas Bess was all his care,
But. \<t he don't propose.
138 THE BOOK OF
He's gone to concert, play, and ball,
So often with them now,
That it must seem to one and all
As binding- as a vow.
He certainly does mean to take
One of the girls, and close
The life he leads— the flirting rake-
But yet he don't propose.
I often wonder what he thinks
We ask him here to do —
Cooly he Cockburn's claret drinks,
And wins from me at Loo
For Twenty months he's dangled on,
The foremost of their beaux,
While half-a-dozen else have gone, —
And still he don't propose
No matter — 'tis a comfort, though,
To know he will take one,
And even tho' Bess and Bella go,
He still may fix on Fan.
I'll have him in the family,
That's sure But, why, you look — '
"Oh, madam, Mr. Thomson's just
Got married to his cook '
Dr. Garth, who was one of the Kit-Eat Club, coming there
one night, declared he must soon begone, having many patients to
attend; but some good wine being produced he forgot them.
When Sir Richard Steele reminded him of his appointments, Garth
immediately pulled out his list, which amounted to fifteen — and
said, " It's no great matter whether I see them to-night or not, fin-
nine of them have such hud constitutions, that all the physicians
in the world can't save them, and the other six have so good con-
stitutions that all the physicians in the world can't kill them."
A Sovereign Trumpeter.— A gentleman holding a plate for
contributions at a public meeting, was observed alter the collec-
tion, to take away a sovereign. When charged with the theft, lie
replied that he had put into the plate as a decay or trap ; and also
said, "you know trumpeters never fight.'
A man, hearing that a raven would live two hundred years,
bought one to In
EUN AND AMUSEMENT. 139
CHRONICLES OF RATTON ROW, HALIFAX.
Nicodemus Vacuo Esq. — He was a very great linguist as his con-
versational use of Dog- Latin indicated. He graduated at Windy Col-
lege, and came off with Hying honours. When fifteen years of age,
he wrote a third edition of A, B, C, revised and corrected, and after-
wards translated the same into all the dialects of England. When 1G£
years of age he wrote the History of Nowhere, and a Geographical
description of a country undiscovered. This stamped his name with
uncommon celebrity. But as a linguist he shone with unequalled
splendour. He translated the word Gymnastics into James Nasty,
Mathematics into Matthew Mattocks, Hebrew into Eye-brow, Jamaica
into James Aca, Ireland into Wrathland, Dictionary into Richard Airy,
Benefit into Benjamin Fit, Tomahawk into Thomas Hawk, Malefaction
into Mary Factiou, Jacobite into John-a-bite, Frankness into Francis
Ness. This is a specimen of his translations. The clergy were much
benefited by his labours, but ungratefully forgot to erect a monument
in honour of his great genius. He was translated 1692.
Jacky Thinsodl. — He was a very noted man, being a real skin-flint.
All the Shopkeepers in the town dreaded his visits, for he was sure to
make a bargain at their expense. He was a real scraper, and raker
together of money, sacrificing decency, honour, and honesty , to accom-
plish his purpose. He often wept that he could not be fed by the
shadow of his meals, or be clothed with the shadow of rags. In this
respect his influence was infectiously bad ; many in the town were
inoculated by it, and that is the reason why the shopkeepers of Hali-
fax have encountered such multitudes of narrow-souled skin-flints ever
since. Besides Jacky Thin-soul professed to be a churchman in the
strictest sense of the term. He hated all who thought differently from
him, and he had a most persecuting spirit. Bobby Liberal tried to
measure or estimate Jackey's soul one day, and the result was that
Bobby said, ' Mathematically this chap's soul is the smallest particle
in God's universe. Talk of infinite divisibility ! you can divide this
' Thin-soul' no more. Upon close investigation I find that 50 Billions
of such souls might dance a hornpipe in the socket of a mite's eye.
He was a native of Queenshead, alias Niggardly-hill, abounding with
curmudgeons who can calculate to the thousandth part of a hair's
breadth. His thin-soul left his thin body in the year 1G9-J.
Bobby Liberal wrote the following lines as his Epitaph.
Jackey Thin-soul is no more in the land
He has yielded at last to death's icy hand,
He starved his body and ruined his soul,
He laboured for wealth by fair means and foul.
misers, come here, and see your last end,
Like Jackey Thin-soul to death you must bend ;
The gold you've collected and carefully tend,
Must fall to another when hither you wend.
140 THE BOOK OF
A Miser Jails down and worships the yod of this world, but will
have neither its pomps, its vanities, nor its pleasures, for his trouble.
He lives poor to die rich, and is the mere jailor of his house, and the
turnkey of his wealth. The avarice of the miser may be termed the
grand sepulchre of all his other passions, as they successively decay.
But unlike other tombs it is enlarged by repletion, and strengthened
by age.
Avarice begets more vices than Priam did children, and like Priam
survives them all. It starves its keeper to surfeit those who wish
him dead, and makes him submit to more mortifications to lose heave. i
than the martyr undergoes to gain it.
Zerubbabel Pebble and Aminadab Stone. — These were two
very eminent Geologists and Antiquarians. They discovered that coal
was merely charred timber which had been thrown down by floods,
and then fossilized. They disputed the Scriptural Account of the de-
luge, and thought themselves the most accute Geologists that ever ex-
isted. There was only one thing on which they differed, whether a
brick was a mineral or vegetable substance. In this they differed till
death. Their Museum contained many fossil remains — a winged uni-
corn—the Jackass ridden by Adam's grandfather, Noah's eldest cow,
the tail of Balaam's Ass, a quill from the wing of Noah's raven, a shoe
lost by the Egyptians in the Red Sea, and the Purse of Adam's Uncle,
Homer's Stockings, one of Virgil's garters, and Xenophon'a periwig.
So they said, and so they believed, they were so enthusiastic in their
science. Like comets they moved in a very eccentric orbit, till they
became extinct — 1GU5.
Obadiaii Gallipot. He was a rare chemist and doctor. He got
his name up by indirectly sounding his own trumpet, and his shop was
always thronged with customers. One reason of his extreme popu-
larity was, his ' Vegetable Pi//,' curative of all diseases, mental or
bodily, and which were tumbled down the throats of the gullables in
actual shoals Put it was all Quackery ; for one time Gallipot being
drunk, Moses Quiz said to him, ' I Bay, Gallipot, tell me how you ma
your Vegetable Pills? I know you will tell an old crony the secret.' —
•They are made of sheep's-dung,' said Gallipot. ' Shi ep's-dung !' said
Quiz, 'nonsense, do not think to gull me in that way.' ' It's a fact,'
said Gallipot. 'It is nut,' said Quiz; 'what you will poison the p
pic!' — 'To convince you that my Vegetable Pill is so manufactured,
if to-morrow you will give me a day's work, gratis, I will convince
you.' In the morning Gallipot and Quiz visited a noted sheep-walk,
and there filled a basket with the vegi table globules, alias Twirlin
Returning to bis laboratory, Gallipot rounded them, magnesied, and
boxed them, to the great astonishment of MoSOS Quiz.*
• Hi. • mtobeafa t in moderu timi Oltl fan, rnre fun,
run, to think what delicious slufl dlon bou ihey an duped i>,
FtJN AND AMUSEMENT. 14l
NATURE AND ART.
The following ingenious test was related In/ a Rabbin, which, in
the Talmud, is attributed to Solomon.
A maiden knelt before the king-,
And placed beside his throne
Two wreaths — the one by Art entwin'd,
The other Nature's own.
So exquisite the mimic wreath,
Wove with an artist's care,
She deem'd its hues would emulate
The flowers more rich and fair.
He grazed upon the beauteous wreaths,
Doubt gather'd o'er his brow ;
His treasured guide had Nature been —
And would Art triumph now ?
He paused — when thro' a window spied,
Some bees had cluster'd near ;
He hade them throw the casement back,
And greet the balmy air.
But not the perfumed breath of Art,
Could now its influence lend —
The bees alight on Nature's wealth,
The flowers they loved to tend.
The maiden bow'd before his power,
Whose wisdom could impart
The dictates of a mighty God
Within a perfect heart.
MORAL.
Then sigh not for the works of Art,
Cling to the good and true ;
God's blessing yields us lovlier flowers
Than painter ever drew.
'Mv dear, don't say tale, say narrative,' said a modest lady to
her little son, who was relating - a very interesting ' tale' he had
just read in the newspaper. While the little fellow was thinking
of his mistake, the old house dog walked in, shaking his tail and
looking quite familiarly at the hoy, when he exclaimed, ' Ma, make
Sancho, quit shaking his narrative â– '
142 THE BOOK OF
A ministerial acquaintance of ours, who had lost his wife, and
become wearied of his second edition of the single state, was once
instructing a congregation from the passage, " Use this world as
not abusing it," &c. In the course of this remark, he took occa-
sion to mention some things which a Christian could dispense with
in this world. In this category he placed his wife. He had, how-
ever, scarcely said, " A man may do without a wife," when his
own experience stoutly protested, and he finished this branch of
the subject by saying, in the simplicity of his heart, "but it's
mighty hard."
CROCKETT OUTDONE.
TALK of Crockett ! why Ezekiel Nash, a genuine downeaster, could
send him to eternal smash right off. Nash chaws chain cables for to-
bacco, takes gunpowder for snuff, and blows his nose with a tin pocket
handkerchief. He sleeps between iron sheets, which in winter are
made red hot. Instead of rats and mice, wolves and grizzly bears
prowl about his room at night; but he sleeps so soundly that he is
obliged to be thrown out of the window every morning to wake liim.
His mother missed him when a baby, and found him at last in a
hornet's nest playing at bo-peep with a couple of rattlesnakes. As an
infant Ezekiel was a wonder. He had razors and bayonets for toys,
walked in top boots when he was three days old, sucked hot coals, and
used to rub bis gums with a nutmeg grater ; they weaned him the day
he was born, and fed him on pap made of Hint stone and lignum vita',
soaked in prussic acid. His appetite, for a boy, was awful; he once
ate three parts of a horse, and then asked if tea wasn't ready. When
lie rides on a railroad he gets out to walk a trifle of forty or fifty miles,
and waits an hour or two for the train to overtake him. The engine
comes up panting and blowing, and often says, with a forced laugh —
1 Bust my biler, Zekiel, but of all mortal critters you're the biggest! I
reckon your father was a flash of lightning, and your mother an airth-
quake.' As a speculator Nash is real lucky. He held some canal
shares once which went up to such a premium that he was obliged to
send a broker up in a balloon to sell out. — American Paper.
Irish Roads. — An Englishman having asked a son of Erin,
if the roads in Ireland were good, Pat replied, "Yes, they arc so
line that I wonder you do not import BOme of them into England;
let me Bee, there's the road to love, Btrewed with roses — to matri-
mony, through nettles— to honour, through the camp— to prison,
through the law— and to the undertaker's, through physio." " Have
you any road to preferment i" said the Englishman. " Yes, faith
we have, but that is the dirtiest road in the kingdom "
FUN AND AMUSEMENT 143
4 Breach r.s of faith!' screamed Mrs. Partington, as she heard
the terra applied to Mexican violations of the armistice. ' Well,
I wonder what they will have next. I have heard tell of cloaks of
hypocrisy and rohes of purity, hut I never heard of breeches of faith
before. I hope they're made of something that won't change and
wear out, as old Deacon Cudgin's faith did, for his was always
changing. He went from believing that nobody would be saved,
to believing that all would be, and at last turned out a phrenolager,
and didn't believe in nothing. I wonder if it's as strong as cassi-
mere!' and she bit off her thread, and prepared a new needlefull.
"\_s -v_ " >^./"*
A TEMPERANCE ANECDOTE.
Old Parson B , who presided over a little flock in one of
the back towns of the State of M , was, without any exception,
the most eccentric divine we ever knew. His eccentricities were
carried as far in the pulpit as out of it. An instance we will re-
late: — Among his church members was one who invariably made
a practice of leaving the church ere the parson was two-thirds through
his sermon. This was practised so long, that after awhile it became
a matter of course, and no one, save the divine, seemed to take no-
tice of it. And he at length notified Brother P., that such a thing
must, he felt assured, be needless ; but P. said that at that hour
his family needed his service at home, and he must do it. Never-
theless, on leaving the church he always took a roundabout course,
which, by some mysterious means, always brought him in close
proximity with the village tavern, which he would enter, and
"thereby hangs a tale." Parson B. ascertained from some source
that P.'s object in leaving church was to obtain a ' dram,' and he
determined to stop his leaving and disturbing the congregation in
future, if such a thing were possible. The next Sabbath, brother
P. left his seat at the usual time, and started for the door, when
Parson B. exclaimed : — ' Brother P. !' P., on being thus address-
ed, stopped short, and gazed towards the pulpit ' Brother P.,'
continued the parson, ' there is no need of your leaving the church
at this time ; as I passed the tavern this morning, I made ar-
rangements with the landlord to keep your toddy hot till church
was out.' The surprise and mortification of the brother can hard-
ly be imagined.
A gentleman preseuted a lace collar to the object of his adora-
tion, aud in a jocular way said, " Do not let any one else rumple
it."— "No, dear," said the lady, " I will take it off.''
144 TI1E BOOK OP
A prize was once offered for a rhyme to the word " month ;" the
following may be adjudged successful : —
"A lisping girl sat on her father's knee,
A trying to rhyme the little word month;
And she laugh'd, as she said, ' I'll let you thee
I can thai/ it again, for I've thaid it wonth.'
•Well,* her father replied, 'I am listening, dear!
Go on.' And she stuttered in haste, ' Wonth and month
And now,* she continued, 'I've rhymed it, tho clear,
I'm thurc you will never more call me a dunth !' '
THE EOAD TO GLORY.
The road to glory would cease to he arduous, if it were trite ana
trodden ; and great minds must be ready not only to tahe oppor-
tunities, hut to make them. Alexander dragged the Pythian
priestess to the temple, on a forbidden day— She exclaimed, "My
son, ihou art invincible," which was oracle enough for him. On
a second occasion, he cut the Gordian knot which others had in
vain attempted to untie. Those who start for human glory like
the mettled hounds of Actseon, must pursue the game not only
where there is a path, hut where there is none. They must be
able to simulate and dissimulate, to leap and to creep ; to conquer
the earth like Caesar, or to fall down and kiss it like Brutus ; to
throw their sword like Brennus into the trembling scale; or, like
Nelson, to snatch the laurels from the doubtful hand of victory,
while she is hesitating where to bestow them. That policy that
can strike only while the iron is hot, will be overcome by that per-
severance, which, like Cromwell's, can make the iron hot bt/ strik-
ing; and he that can only rule the storm, must yield to him who
can lmtli raise and rule it.
The Two Cats.— The following anecdote, which has been told
of many learned men, originated with the painter Barrett. His
onlj pets were a cat and a kitten, its progeny. A friend, seeing
two holes in the bottom of the door, asked him for what purpose
he made them there. Barrett said it was lor his eats to go ill and
out— "Why,'' replied Ins friend, "would not one do for both?"
— " Vmi silly man," answered the painter, "how could the big cat
gel in at the little holeP" — " But, said his friend, "could not the
little one go through the big hole':''-" Egad," said Barrett, "so
bhc could, but I never thought of that.''
TUN AND AMUSEMENT. 145
Beitt£ dt u wedding party where there were some wild young men
they proposed that the Rev. Mr. Murray should drink wine with
them; to this he assented, remarking at the same time that" Ac
could drink like a beast." At this they stared at each other, and
winked, plainly intimating that they would make him go the entire
animal. After drinking a <;lass, he positively refused to take any
more. They then reminded him of his promise; to which he re-
plied, 'I have performed my promise — I have had enough, and
a beast always leaves off when he has had enough! The reproof
was keenly felt, and, it is said, had a very salutary effect.
THE VICAR AND MOSES.
At the sign of the Horse
Old Spintext, of course,
Each night took his pipe and his pot ;
O'er a jorum of nappy,
Quite pleasant and happy,
Was placed this canonical sot.
The evening was dark,
When in came the clerk,
With reverence due and submission ;
First stroked his cravat,
Then twirl' d round his hat,
And bowing prefer'd his petition.
' I'm come, sir,' says he,
' To beg, look, d'ye see,
Of your reverence's worship and glory,
To inter a poor baby,
With as much speed as may be —
And I'll walk with the lantern before ye
' The baby we'll bury —
But, pray, where's the hurry ."
1 Why, lord, sir, the corpse it doth stay.'
' You fool, hold your peace —
Sinee miracles cease,
A corpse, Moses, can't run away.'
Then Moses he smiled,
Saying ' Sir, a small child
Cannot long, sure, delay your intentions.'
' wiiy, that's true, by St. Paul —
A child that is small
Can never enlarge its dimensions.'
146 THE BOOK OF
' -Bring; Moses some beer,
And me some — d'ye hear ?
I hate to be called from my liquor ;
Come, Moses, • The Queen'—
What a scandalous scene
Such a subject should be but a vicar !
Then Moses he spoke,
' Sir, 'tis past twelve o'clock —
Besides, there's a terrible shower.'
' Why, Moses, you elf,
Since the clock has struck twelve,
I'm sure it can never strike more.
' Besides, my dear friend
To this lesson attend,
Which to say and to swear I'll be bold
That the corpse, snow or rain,
Can't endanger, that's plain ,
But perhaps you or I may take cold.'
Then Moses went on,
• Sir, the clock has struck one,
Pray, master look up at the hand.'
' Why it ne'er can strike less ;
'Tis a folly to press
A man for to go that can't stand.'
At length, hat and cloak
Old Orthodox took,
But first crammed his jaw with a quid ;
Each tipt of a gill,
For fear they should chill,
And then stagger'd away side by side.
When come to the grave,
The clerk hummed a stave,
While the surplice was wrapt round the priest
So droll was the figure
Of MoBefl and Vicar,
That the parish still laugh at the jest.
* Good people, let's pray —
Put the corpse t'other way,
Or, perchance I shall over it .stumble —
' lis best to take care,
Though the sages declare
A mortunm caput can't tumble.
' Woman, that's of man born —
I'hat's wrong, the leafs torn —
FUN AND AMUSEMENT. 117
A man that is born of a woman
Can't continue an hour,
Is cut down like a flower —
You see, Moses, Death spareth no man
' Here, Moses, do look,
What a confounded book!
Sure the letters are turn'd upside down ;
Such a scaudalous print 1
Why, the devil is in't,
That a blockhead should print for the crown !
' Prithee, Moses, you read,
For I connot proceed,
And bury the corpse in my stead.'
' Amen, amen.'
' Why, Moses, you're wrong 1 —
You fool, hold your tongue —
You've taken the tail for the head.
â– Oh, where's thy sting-, Death?
Put the corpse in the earth,
For believe me, 'tis terrible weather.'
So the corpse was interred,
Without praying' a word,
And away they both staggered tog-ether.
The Archbishop of York and Mr. 11., a Baptist minister, whilst
one day conversing on the lawfulness of tithes, the archbishop re-
marked, "Mr. R., I do not see that in the same light as you do.*
Mr. R. (without replying) took a pencil and wrote" God" in small
characters. " Do you see that?" said Mr. R. "Yes,'' replied the
archbishop. Mr. R. then took a sovereign and placed it over the
word " God," and then asked the prelate if he could see " God"
then ? The archbishop replied that he could not. " Then," said
Mr. R., "now you perceive why you consider tithes lawful. Be-
fore the gold intervened, you had God in view, but when the gold
came in view, you lust sight of God. "
xiOquacity.— Men are born with two eyes, but with one tongue,
in order that they should see twice as much as they say ; but, from
their conduct, one would suppose that they were born with two
tongues, and one eye, for those talk the most who have observed the
least, and obtrude their remarks upon every thing, who have seen
into nothing.
148 THE BOOK OP
'Ghosts! be hanged !' said Tom Hood. ' No such things in na-
ture. All laid long ago, before the wood pavement. What should
they come for? The colliers may rise for higher wages, and
the chartists may rise for reform, and Joseph Sturge may rise for
his health, and bread may rise, and the rising generation may rise ;
but that the dead should rise only to make one's hair rise is more
than I can believe. Suppose yourself a ghost. Well, if you come
out of your grave to a friend, how are you to help him ? And if
it's an enemy, what's the use of appearing to him if you can't
pitch into him ?'
A person of the name of Button soliciting the favour of Arch-
bishop Usher to write his epitaph, the primate promised him one ;
and when he next called upon him he produced the following
couplet: —
Heavens ! O Stars ! O Earth ! O Poles !
That graves should be but bidton-hotes.
An ignorant fellow, who was about to get married, resolved to
make himself perfect in the responses of the marriage service ; but
by mistake he learned the office of baptism for those of riper years ;
so when the clergyman asked him in the church, " Wilt thou have
this woman to be thy wedded wife ?" the bride-groom answered, in
a very solemn tone, " 1 renounce them all. '' — The astonished min-
ister said, " I think you are a fool." — To which he replied, "All
this I steadfastly believe.''
Wit versus Learning. — Two knowing village-schoolmasters
were once annoying the company at an inn, by boasting of their
superior learning. A little pimple-nose plasterer, who was per-
ched behind the door, jumped up, evidently in a rage by the tone
of his voice, and said, " Yor making a gurt noize abaght y'r lam-
ing, nab al bet awther on ye wot ye like, at nawther on ye naws /til-
ting a/, weel az I do." This put the knights of the quill to a non-
plus for sumo time: the rest of the company, having caught the
little plasterers meaning, were in a regular twitter.
In all societies it is advisable t< > associate if pos ible with the
I i . ii'ii that the highest arc always the best, but, because if
disgusted there, we can ;*i anytime descend; — hut if we begin
with the lowest, i<> a <â– < nd is impossible. In the graud theatre of
human life, a b<>£ ticket Lakes us through the house.
vr\' AVI) AMUSEMENT. 1 10
Mr. Abern jaten. — A very talkative lady who I ■■!
wearied the temper of Mr. Abernethy, which was at all times im-
patient of gabble, was told by him, the first moment that he could
gel a chance of speaking, to be good enough to put out her tongue.
' Now, pray, madam,' said he, playfully, ' keep it out.' The hint
was taken. He rarely met with his match ; but on one occasion
he fairly owned that he had. lie was sent for to an innkeeper,
who bad. had a quarrel with his wife, and who had scored his face
with her nails, so that the poor man was bleeding, and much dis-
figured. Mr. Abernethy considered this an opportunity not to be
lost for admonishing the offender, and said, ' Madam, are you not
ashamed of yourself to treat your husband thus — the husband, who
is the head of all — your head, madam, in fact?' — 'Well, doctor,'
fiercely retorted the virago, and may I not scratch my own head ?'
Upon this, her friendly adviser, after giving directions fur the ben-
efit of the patient, turned upon his heel, and confessed himself
beaten for once.
Mr. resides in Harley street. His wife, who is an econom-
ical body, had sent a costly silk gown to a French dyer. The
dyer himself brought the dress home, and unluckily, as it happened,
met the husband of the lady at the door " Is madam within ? "
asked the Frenchman. The husband, who is of a jealous disposi-
tion, replied—" And suppose she is, what do you want with her?''
" I'm dyeing for her, sare. " " You dying for my wife — get out of
my house, you scoundrel !" and he had just raised his foot to kick
the honest artizan into the street, as the lady made her appearance
and set the matter to rights.
A merchant examining a hogshead of hardware, on comparing
it with the invoice found it all right except a hammer less than the
invoice. " Och, don't be troubled, my honey, " said the Irish por-
ter, " sure the nayger took it out to open the hogshead with. "
Theophilus Cibber, who was very extravagant, one day asked bis
father for a hundred pounds. " Zounds, sir," said Colly, " can't
you live upon your salary? When I was your age, I never spent a
farthing of my father's money. " " But you have spent a great deal
of my fathers," replied Theophilus. This retort had the desired
effect.
A foolish fellow, having a house to sell, took a brick from the
wall to exhibit as a sample.
150 THE BOOK OF
Transcendentalism.— instead of saying to a young lady,
' Please to take my arm,' you should say in this philosophic age,
' Will you condescend so far to sacrifice your own convenience to
my pleasure, as to insert the five digitals and part of the extrem-
ity of your contiguous arm through the angular aperture formed
by the crooking of my elbow against the perpendicular portion of
my animal frame ?'
Oratory. — Those orators who give us much noise and many
words, but little argument and less wit, and who are most loud
when they are the least lucid, should take a lesson from the great
volume of Nature; she often gives us the lightning even without
the thunder, but never the thunder without the lightning.
JUST IN TIME.
A doctor called in Bedford Row,
(It mutters not how long ago)
To see a patient. When he knock'd,
Now, only think how he was shock'd,
When instantly the footman said —
' Dear doctor, our poor lady's dead !'
Dead ? surely not ; it may by chance
lie nothing but a sleeping trance;
I'll just walk up and see for certain.'
He did so, and undrew the curtain ;
Where laid the lady, pale and calm,
The usual guinea in her palm.
* I see,' bf cried (and took the fee) —
1 The poor dear soul expected me !'
Vrahian, having brought a blush on a maiden's cheek by
1 arnestness of his gaze, said to her, 'My looks have planted
in your cheeks ; why forbid me to gather them ? the law per-
mi him who sows to reap the harvest.'
A young gentleman recently found himself in (lie company "f
three young ladies, and generously divided an orange amongst
them. " Yon will rob yourself!" exclaimed one of the damsels. —
" Not at all," replied the innocent ; " 1 bave three or four more in
my nncki i "
FUN A.ND AMUSEMENT. 151
At a pow wow of Indians, on Columbia River, tlie subject of
white women's " bustles" was discussed by chiefs, squaws, and med-
icine men. One squaw took a hag of feathers, tied it behind her,
and imitated the way in which the pale-faced women walk with
them on. A warrior guessed it was to catch insects. Another
thought it bad something to do with the perspiration. At last the
old doctor — the medicine man— from whose decision there is no
appeal, gave the signal for silence, and then said, " That the white
women had not so good forms as the Indian women, and that the
white men were very fond of good forms, and that the women wore
these bags to make the white men think they were well formed."
He then sat down amid repeated grunts.
GUESSING A DOG'S NAME.
"Drive him out!'* screamed Mrs. Partington, as Ike whistled
in an immense dog one wet day, who perambulated the kitchen,
dotting the newly-washed floor with flowers in mud, and auda-
ciously smelling Mrs. Partington's toes as the old lady stood up
on a chair to avoid him. "Drive him out; what is his name,
I saac :>'_« Guess, aunt," replied Ike. "I can't; perhaps it's
Watch, or Ponto, or Caesar ; what is it?''— "Why, Guess."— " I
tell you I can't guess ; perhaps it's Hector, or Tiger, or Rover.
What is his name?"—" Guess, aunt."—" Oh, you provoking crea-
ter, I'll be tempted to whip you within an inch of your skin, if you
teaze me so. Why don't you tell me ?"— " I did tell you the first
time," blubbered Ike; "his name is Guess." The old lady was
melted by his emotion, and as soon as the dog was sent out, some
nice quince jelly settled the difficulty. " He is such a queer
child," said she to herself— "so sharp ; I suppose because he was
weaned on pickles."
A country fellow came to the city to see his intended wife, and
for a long time could think of nothing to say. At last a great
snow falling, he took occasion to tell her that his father's sheep
would be undone. ' Well,' said she, kindly taking him by the
band, ' I'll keep one of them.'
Hard Run for Husbands.-An exchange paper says—" The
girls in some parts of Pennsylvania are so hard run for husbands
that they sometimes take up with lawyers and tailors."
152 TITE BOOK O*
A PROSE POEM.
Once upon a midnight stormy, a lone bachelor attorney pondered
many a curious volume to his heart's forgotten lore; while be nodded,
nearly napping', suddenly their came a tapping, as of some one gently
rapping — rapping' at his chamber door. ' 'Tis the spirits!' and he
started, ' rapping; at my chamber door. Oh ! for help ! I'm frighten-
ed sore ! '
Then into this chamber flitting 1 (not even one permitting him m fly
into the closet or to go behind the door), came the ghosts of fond hearts
broken (with many a ring, and many a token), and they sut them
down beside him, on the dusty, book-strewn floor — sat amidst the vol-
umes of most venerable lore. Quoth the lawyer, ' What a bore !'
' It must be something serious ; this is certainly mysterious, quite
an advent of the spirits— resurrection con amove. But I understand
them mostly!' — here there came a rap so ghostly, that he could not
more dissemble as he had done heretofore, and Ids face grew pale and
paler as he started for the door— down he fell upon the floor.
Then there came a clatter, clatter, and his teeth began to chatter, as
the spirits gather'd round him, and accused him very sore ; how with
handsome face all smiling, and with winning words beguiling, he had
charmed away the senses of fair maidens by the score ! and each lass
had fondly fancied 'twas her he did adore. Quoth the Lawyer,
1 Never more ! '
Startled ut the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken, for the
answer, strange enough, quite a relevancy bore; they began a noisy
rapping — sort of spiritual clapping, which the lawyer thought could
be but u fashionable encore— and again, as if his soul in that word he
would outpour, did he groan out, ' Never more !'
Presently his soul grew stronger ; hesitating then no longer — • Oh !'
said he, 'sweet spirits, your forgiveness I implore; on my knees, to
every ghostess, who to love has played the hostess, I will promise to
recant the many faithless things I swore! Will you promise then to
leave me?' here he pointed to the door. Rapped the spirits, ' Never
more !'
' Be that word our sign of parting,' said the hapless wight upi
ing, 'hie ye hence into the darkness, seek ye out some distant shore.
In the noisy camp or forum, in the lonely sane, sanctorum — such
ghastly grim ungainly guests were never seen before. Leave my lone-
liness unbroken,' — here he opened wide the door. Rapped the spirits,
' Never more !'
80 uie.-e vixen sprites of evil — spirits still, thougo most uncivil— they
will never leave the lawyer, though in tears he may implore. At Ids
false hear! they are tapping, they are rapping, rapping, rapping, and
be wishes, oh, how vainly! that his haunted life was o'er; ami he
Often Sigh â– ' Oh I could I but recall the days of yore, I would FLIRT
— Oh ' ii' ver more ''
1 UN AND AMUSEMENT. 153
PETITION TO TIME.
Touch us gently, Time !
Let us glide ad own thy stream
Gently, — as we sometimes glide
Through a quiet dream !
Humble voyagers are We,
Husband, wife, and children three —
(One is lost — an angel, fled
To the azure overhead !)
Touch us gently, Time !
We've not pioud nor soaring wings :
Om- ambition, our content
Lies in simple things,
umble voyagers are We,
O'er Life's dim unsounded sea,
Seeking only some calm clime : —
Touch us gently, gentle Time !
ANECDOTES OF THE BAR.
Serjeant Bond related the following anecdote. He was the
unquestionable original. 'I once,' said hf>, 'bought a horse of a
horse-dealer, warranted sound in all his points. I thought I had
got a treasure, but still wished to find out if he had any fault. I
refore, when I paid for him, said to the seller 'Now, my friend,
you have got your money, and I the horse, so that the bargain is
closed ; but do, like an honest fellow, tell me fairly of any fault
which he has.' 'Why, sir,' says he, 'you have dealt with me like
a gentleman, and as you ask me to be frank with you, I must tell
you that the horse has one fault.' I pricked up my ears : ' What
is it, my friend ?' ' Why, sir/ says he, 'it is that he will not go
into the yard of the Crown Inn, at Uxbridge.' 'Pooh, pooh,' said
1, ' if that is all I'm not likely to put him to the trial, as I have
nothing to do with, or to lead me to Uxbridge.'
' It however so happened, that 1 had occasion to go to Uxbridge,
and 1 determined to try if my horse retained his dislike to the
yard of the Crown Inn. I accordingly rode up the street until I
came opposite to the inn-yard of the Crown I faced about,' said
the sergeant, 'seated myself firmly in my stirrups,' at the same
time exhibiting the attitude in which the feat was to be performed.
' Expecting a plunge from my horse, I stuck my spurs into his
sides, and pushed him forward into the yard ; but what was my
surprise to find him enter the yard as quietly as a cow that had
154 THE JJOOK Of
just gone in before him. But I was not long in doubt as to wlat
appeared to be the cause of this change in his antipathies, by the
landlord's coming up to him and tapping him on the shoulder :
' Ha, Jack !' says he, 'I'm glad to see you again ; I thought I had
lost you.' 'What do you mean, Mr. Landlord.' 'Sir,' says he,
'this horse was stolen from me about six months ago, and I have
never seen him since.' I did not much relish this piece of infor-
mation,' rejoined the sergeant, 'but I could not help laughing at
the conceit of the horse dealer, to prevent me from going to a place
where his theft of the horse would be discovered : I wished I had
attended to his caution, as the sale to me was not regular, and I
was left to make the best terms I could with the landlord.' What
they were he kept to himself.
I have repeatedly heard Fielding say, that the lowest class of
the Irish had more native humour than any other body of people
in the same rank in life. He would then relate, in proof of it, the
event of a bet which was made on the subject at one of the club-
houses in St. James s Street, which then was crowded with English
aud Irish chairmen, and which was to be decided by the reply of
one of each country to the same question. It was, 'If you were
put naked on the top of St. Pauls, what would you be like ?' The
English chairman was first called in, and the question being put
to him, he ran sulky, and refused to give any direct answer, saying
they were making fun of him. Pat was then introduced, and the
question being propounded to him : 'What should I be like ?' says
he; ' why, like to get could, to be sure, your honours.' 'This,'
says he, ' they call mother wit ; and the most illiterate have a
quickness in parrying the effect of a question by an evasive answer.
1 recollect hearing Sir John Fielding giving an instance of this,
in the case of an Irish fellow who was brought before him when
sitting as a magistrate at Bow Street. He was desired to give
some account of himself, and where he came from. Wishing to
pass for an Englishman lie said he came from Chester. This he
pronounced with a very rich brogue, which caught the ears of Sir
John. 'Why, were you ever in Chester?' says he. 'To be sure
I was,' said Pat ; 'wasn't 1 born there P' ' How dare you,' said
Sir John Fielding, 'with that brogue, which shows that you are an
Irishman, pretend to have been born in Chester.' 'I didn't sav
I was born there,' says he, 'I only asked your honour whether I
was or not.'
' I think our chinch will last a pood many years yet,' said a
Waggish deacon to his minister; '1 see the sleepers are very sound.'
FL'N AND AMUSEMENT. 155
" What is the reason,' said a young lady, " that there is no-
thing said in the Bihle about a 'certain woman,' as well as a 'cer-
tain man?' ' A gentleman answered the lady's question in the fol-
lowing impromptu : —
4 A certain man's' a plivase in Scripture common,
But nothing's said about a 'certain woman;'
The reason all may see that are not blind,
A woman's never certain of her mind.
Peter the Great.— It being term time while the Czav was in
London, he was taken into Westminster Hall; he inquired who
all those busy people in black gowns and flowing wigs were, and
what they were about? Being answered, ' They are lawyers, sire ;'
— 'Lawyers!' said he, with marks of astonishment, 'why I have
but two in my whole dominions, and I believe I shall hang one
of them the moment I get home.'
Quakeii Wooing. — ' Martha, does thee love me ?' asked a Qua-
ker youth of one at whose shrine his heart's fondest feelings had
been offered up. ' Why, Seth,' answered she, ' we are commanded
to love one another, are' we not ?' ' Ay, Martha ; but does not thee
regard me with that feeling that the world calls love ?' ' ' hardly
know what to tell thee, Seth : 1 have greatly feared that ivy heart
was an erring one ; I have tried to bestow my love on all ; but I
may have sometimes thought, perhaps, that thee was getting
rather more than thv share.'
Common Sense. — In the course of a lecture delivered by the
Bev. G. Gleig, it was observed that the late Duke of Wellington
had a great respect for what he called common sense. In illustra-
tion thereof he used to tell the following anecdote : — 'When I was
following a rajah, in India, we came to a great sandy plain, to
cross which was impossible, with the enemy's cavalry hovering
about us. The spies said there was a river in front which I could
not cross as it had no bridges, and that I must therefore take a
drlour to the right or left. 1, however, took the cavalry, and push-
ed on to the river, till I was near enough to take a view of it with
my spy glass, when I saw that there were two villages opposite each
other, on different sides of the river. I immediately said to my-
self, ' People would never be fools enough, to build two towns im-
mediately opposite on a great river if they could not get from one
to the other.' So I moved on, and sure enough there was a bridge
between the towns. We crossed it, and licked the rajah.'
15G TUE BOOK OF
A Precise Answer. — A young man pertly said to an aged
gentleman, ' Pray, sir, is your son going to be married ?' — ' It is
a possible case.' — 'And pray who is it he intends to marry?* —
" Should he marry, she is a descendant of a man who never bad a
mother, and whose wife was never born."
WHEN WILT THOTJ RETURN ?
When wilt thou return ?
The silver clouds are closing 1
Like billows o'er the fairy path
Of sunset there reposing ;
The sapphire fields of heaven,
With its golden splendour burn,
And purple is the mountain peak, —
But when wilt thou return ?
When wilt thou return P
The woods are bright with summer,
And the violet's bower is grae'd
With tliti rose — a queenly comer ,
The stars, that in the air
Like ethereal spirits burn,
Seem watching for thy steps, —
Oh ! when wilt thou return ?
When wilt thou return ?
The sheathless sword is idle,
And each warrior from his steed
Has thrown aside the bridle.
Hark ! — 'tis the trumpet's call!
With hope our bosoms burn ;
Its echo wakes the distant bills
Announcing thy return !
Learned 'Ladies.' — Mr. Murphy used to relate the following
story of Footed, the heroines of which were the la. lies Cheere,
Fielding, and Hill, the last the widow of the celebrated Dr. Hill.
He represented them as playing at ' I love my love with a loiter ;'
Lad] Cheen began and said, * I love my love with an N, because
be is a Night;' Lady Fielding followed with '1 love my love with
a 6, because he is a Gustis;' and 'I love my love with an 1','
said Lady Hill, ' because he is a Fizishun.' Such was the impu-
ted orthography of these learned ladies.
FUN AND AMUSEMENT. 157
The Rev. Theodore Parker in a recent lecture at New York,
remarked : — John Bull and Brother Jonathan quarrel a little some-
time^ ; John Bull may grumble, and Brother Jonathan shake his
list in return, but the trouble is soon settled. John Bull is very
proud of having so fine a son, and we are very proud of being the
son of such a lather; and soon this Anglo-Saxon race — that is,
the Anglo-Saxon Britons and the Anglo-Saxon Americans— will
control the whole world. Three hundred years ago the Anglo-
Saxon Britons did not own the whole of Great Britain, and see
what they have now !
COOLNESS
Sometime ago the whole of the gable end of the Hare and Hounds Inn,
at Barnsley, fell down, fortunately without injuring' any of the inmates.
According to a local paper, a lodger sleeping in the room adjoining the
wall was not awoke by the noise, and on the landlord going to him and
telling him to get up, as the house was falling, he made answer by
saying, ' It may fall then ; I've paid for my bed, and I'll take good
care that I have my sleep out.' Thus the lodger laid his wonted time,
exposed to the weather and the gaze of a large number of persons that
had been drawn there by the accident. This story reminds us of the
man who heing shaken up and told that the house was on fire, turn-
ed round again to sleep, and said, ' Well, you must speak to my wife ;
I don't meddle with household affairs;' and of the other member of
the same cool family who, when told in bed that his wife had expired,
nestled under the clothes, and murmured, ' Dear me ! how sorry I
shall be in the morning.' There is really something grand in coolness
of this description !
The celebrated Dr. Brown, of London, paid his addresses to a
lady for many years, but unsuccessfully ; during which time he was
accustomed to propose her health in company when called on for a
toast. But being observed one day to omit it, a gentleman present
reminded him that he bad forgotten to toast his favourite lady.
" Why, indeed," said the doctor," 1 find it all in vain. Since I
have toasted her for so many years and still cannot make her Brown
1 am resolved to toast her no longer.''
A country girl, coming in from the fields, was told by her cousin
that she looked as- fresh as a daisy kissed with dew. 'Weil, it
wasn't any fellow of that name, but Bill Jones, that kissed me;
and I told him every body would find him out.
158 THE BOOK OF
A DREAM OF THE BEAUTIFUL.
"Another scene where happiness is sought !
A festive chamber with its golden hues,
Its dream-like sounds and languishing delights."
R. MONTGOMERY.
I stood in the light of the festive hall,
Gorgeously wrought was its pictured wall;
And the strings of the lute replied in song,
To the heart-breathed lays of the vocal throng.
Oh ! rich were the odours that floated there,
O'er the swan-like neck and the bosom fair ;
And roses were mingled with sparkling pearls,
On the marble brow and the cluster'd curls.
I stood in that hall, and my lips were mute,
And my spirit entranced with the elfin lute ;
And the eyes that look'd on me seem'd fraught with love,
As the stars that make Night more divine above.
A sorrowful thought o'er my spirit came,
Like thunder-clouds kindling with gloom and flame ;
For I knew that those forms in the dust would lie,
And no passionate lips to their songs reply.
But the music recalled me, the hall glow'd with light,
And burst like a vision of heaven on my sight ;
'Oh thus,' I exclaimed, ' will dark feelings depart,
When the sunshine of beauty descends on the heart.'
The following anecdote illustrative of railroad facility is very
pointed : — A traveller inquired of a negro the distance to a certain
point. " Dat 'pends on circumstances," replied the darky. "If
you gwine afoot, it'll take you about a day; if you gwine in de
stage or de homneybuss, you make it in half a day ; but if you get
in one ob dese smoke-waggons, you be almost Jar now !''
A credulous peasant went to the clergyman of his parish, and
told him, with symptoms of great consternation, that he had seen
B ghost- " Where did you sec iti'''— " Why," said Diggory, " as
J war going, an' please your reverence, by the church, right up
against the wall I sees the ghost." — "In what shape did it ap-
pear:''' — M For the world like a great donkey.'' — "Go home and
hold your tongue,' 1 replied the clergyman ; "you area timid crea-
ture, and have been frightened at your own shadow."
EV8 AND AMUSEMENT. Iu9
Miss Bremer's Opinion of Married Men— I confess, then,
that I never find, and never have found, a man more loveable,
more captivating, than when he is a married man — that is to say,
a good married man. A man is never so handsome, never so per-
fect, in my eyes, as when he is married — as when he is a husband,
and the father of a family — supporting in his manly arms wife and
children, and the whole domestic circle, which, in his entrance into
the married state, close around him, and constitute a part of his
home and his world. He is not merely enobled by his position,
hut he is actually beautified by it. Then he appears to me as the
crown of creation ; and it is only such a man as this who is dan-
gerous to me, and with whom I am inclined to fall in love. But
then propriety forbids it ; and Moses, and all European legislatures
declare it to be sinful.
SOMETHING TO LOVE.
Something to love, some tree or flow'r
Something to nurse in my lonely bow'r,
Some dog to follow where'er I roam,
Some bird to warble my welcome home ,
Some tame Gazelle, or some gentle dove,
Something to love — oh ! something to love
Something to love— oh ! let me see,
Something that's fill'd with a love for me.
Belov'd by none, it is sad to live,
And 'tis sad to die and leave none to grieve
And fond and true, let the lov'd one prove,
Something to love — oh ! something to love.
It is proposed, in a Boston paper, that every man should consti
lute himself a self-examining committee, to inquire into his own
conduct. It is believed the business each committee would have
to transact would keep it constantly and usefully employed
e
' I want to borrow a hundred pounds,' said a fast young man to
a Jew usurer. ' What security can you give ? 'My own perso-
nal security, sir.' • Very well — go in here,' says the Jew, lifting
up the lid of a large iron chest. ' Get in there !' exclaimed the
other, in astonishment ; ' what for ?' ' Why that is the place where
I always keep my securities."
1G0 THE BOOK OP
During the last war, a Quaker was on board an American ship
engaged in close combat with an enemy. He preserved his peace
principles calmly until he saw a stout Briton climbing up the ves-
sel by a rope which hung overboard. Seizing a hatchet, the Qua-
ker looked over the side of the ship, and remarked, ' Friend, it thee
wants that piece of rope, thee may have it ;' when, suiting the deed
to the word, he cut off the rope, and down went the poor fellow to
his long watery home '
A gentleman, troubled with an unfortunate stuttering impediment,
in the following poetic strain ' popped the question' to the fair idol
of bis heart —
' Oh boo-boo-beateous Mary say,
When shish-shish-shail we wedded be ;
Nin-narne the ha-ha-happy day
That will us marr-married see.
Nay, did-did-dearest, though thy chei '•
A crick-crick-crinison blush hath dyed
I could not wait a wee-wee-week
Without my jo-jo-joyful bride.
' Then Mary, let us fif-fif-fix
For To-To-Tuesday next the day
When in the morn at sis-sis-six,
I'll fy-fy-fetch thee hence away.
Then to some bub-bub-blissful spot
To pass the muin-mum-month we'll go,
A coo-coo-coach I've gee-gee-got,
Thou could'st not say nxa-nin-ny no!'
* y n r *N â– â– *%
A Shout Sermon, by a Quakeress, runs as follows. — ' Dear
friends, there are three things I greatly wonder at. The first is,
that children should lie bo foolish as to throw up stones and brick-
bats nit') fruit trees to knock down fruil : it they would let it alone
it would fall itself. The second is, that men should he so fool-
ish, and eveu SO wicked, as to go to war and kill each other: If let
alone they would die themselves. And the third and last thing
which 1 wonder at is, that yoUDg men should he so unwise as to
go after young women: since, if they would stay at home, the
young wonen would come alter them.'
FUN AND AMUSEMENT. 161
When Nineveh his departed and Palmyra is in ruins — when
Imperial Rome has fallen and the Pyramids themselves are sink-
inn; into decay — it is no wonder (sighed a French humorist) that my
old black coat should be getting seedy at the elbows !
A lady renowned for repartee, and a gentleman noted for ten-
acity to his own opinion, were overheard in deep and earnest con-
versation. Says Mr. M. (waxing rather warm), ' Mrs. C, facts are
stubborn things.' Says Mrs. C. to Mr. M., ' Then what a fact you
must be.'
THE COBBLER and the CLOWN.
A country clown, just come from tillage,
Intent to reach the nearest village,
Was seen to hurry o'er the ground,
In hopes a dentist might be found;
For he was troubled with a pain,
Which sadly went against the grain.
It made him wince and twist about —
He wish'd his tooth was quickly out !
In gazing at a parish clock
A butcher's tray his tooth did knock ;
He swore with rage, and with a frown,
That he would knock the rascal down.
But ah ! alas! the pain was worse,
And oft he vented many a curse ;
He could not fight, so look'd about,
And spied, at last, a cobbler out.
The stall he entered with delight,
Thinking the man would draw it right;
And ask'd him, in his awkward manner,
To draw his tooth for one small tanner.
Says he, " My lad, you need not doubt
But very soon I'll have it out;
And ease you of your pain right quickly,
I see that you look rather sickly."
So straightway got his tools in order,
To cure his patient's bad disorder ;
And bade him on his stool be seated,
Till he his wax a little heated.
And getting down his best of twine,
By rubbing quick, soon made it shine }
K
162 THE BOOK OF
Then fixed it to his tooth quite neatly,
In hopes to do the job completely.
" Stop !'• says the clown, " the one you've tied.
Is wrong — its on the other side :
The tooth I'd swear to, in a minute,
By looking at the blackness in it !"
" Then, lad, your teeth would any bother
For all are black as one another."
At last he got it fix'd quite right,
By tying it, with all his might,
Down tt the stool on which he sat,
And laughed to think what he was at.
For fun this cobbler was inclin'd,
And slyly took his aw] behind,
To prick him in the hinder part,
Which made the clown upright to start !
So quickly did his tooth extract,
He thought that his poor jaw was crack'd ;
And like wise, in Lis sudden jump,
His head against the roof went bump.
"Odd zounds !" he cried, and gave a shout —
" Is this Ihu way you get it out P
By goles! you laugh as if 'twas fun,
But really, zur, to me it's none.
When I came in just now, d'ye see,
I had one sore, but now I've three !"
Much did lie grieve for what he'd borne,
So paid his fee — and then was gone,
But not much farther than the door,
The clown a tickler had in store.
Conceal'd beneath his smock, he had
The cobbler's last — (it was too bad •)
And muttering to himself, he said —
He'd like to send it at his head !
Which straight he did with all his might,
And ran till lie was out of sight.
A blacksmith brought up his son, to whom lie was very severe,
t( liis trade. One clay the old man was trying to harden a cold
chisel, which he had made of foreign steel, but lie could not suc-
ceed. ' Horsewhip it, father,' exclaimed the young one; 'if that
will nol harden it, I don't know what will.'
FUN AND AMUSEMENT. 103
A barber once beaded bis advertisement with the following- par-
ody on Goldsmith :
Man wants but little beard below,
Nor wants that little long.
Mrs. Dobbs, upon being summoned to court as a witness, asked
ltd hei
you have not
her husband what she should say if the lawyers inquiud her aire.
'Say, madam/ replied her husband ; ' why, tell themyc
yet reached the years of discretion
A FLIRTATION WITH A FAIR AMERICA*.
" What flirts all you men are,' saio' she. But oh, my sakes!
ain't that tree lovely ! just one mass of flowers. Hold me up,
please Mr. Slick, till 1 get a branch of that apple-tree. Oh dear!
how sweet it smells." — Well, I took her in my arms and lifted her
up, but she was a long time a choosin' of a wreath, and that one
she put round my hat, and then she gathered some sprigs foi a
no:-egay. — " Don't hold me so high, please. There, smell that,
ain t it beautiful ? I hope i ain't a showin' of my ankles." — "Lucy,
how my heart beats," sais I and it did too, it thundered like a
sledge hammer; I actilly thought it would have torn my waistcoat
buttons off — " Dcn't you hear it go bump, bump, bump, Lucy ?
I wonder if it even bursts like a biler ; for holdiu such a gal as you
be, Lucy, in one's arms ain't safe, it is as much as one's " —
" Don t be silly," said she, larfin', " or I'll get right down this min-
it. No," she said, " I don't hear it beat ; I don't believe you've
got any heart at all." — "There," said I, bringiu' her a little far-
ther forward, " don't you hear it now ? Listen." — " No," said she,
" its nothin but your watch tickin'," and she larfed like anythin' ;
" I thought so." — "You hav'nt got no heart at all, have you?"
sais I. — " It never has been tried yet," said she ; " I hardly know
whether I have one or not." — " Oh ! then you don't know whether
it is in the right place or not?" — " Yes it is," said she, a pullin' of
my whiskers ; " yes, it's just in the right place, just where it ought
to be," and she put my hand on it, " where else would you have it,
dear, but where it is? But, hush!" said she ; " I saw Eunice
Snare just now ; she is a com in' round the turn there. Set me
down quick, please. Ain't it provokin? that gal fairly harnts me.
I hope she didn't see me in your arms." — " I'll lift her up to the
tree too," sais I, "if you like; and then " — "Oh no!" said
she, " it ain't worth while. I don't care what she says or thinks
one snap of my finger." — Sam Slick.
164t THE BOOK OF
" I think," said a farmer, " I should make a good Parliament
man, for I use their language. I received two bills the other day,
with request for immediate payment; the one I ordered to be laid
on the table — the other to be read that day six months."
Matthew Lansberg used to say, 'If you wish to have a shoe
made of durable materials, you should make the upper leather of
the mouth of a hard drinker, for that never lets in water.
THE INCORRIGIBLE.
A good story is told in an eastern paper of the treatment of a
drunken husband by his amiable spouse. After trying various ex-
pedients, all to cure drunkeness, she at last bethought herself of
another plan of making a reformed drunkard of her lord. She en-
gaged a watchman for a stipulated reward to carry Philander t»
to the watch-house, while yet in a state of insensibility, and to
frighten him a little when he recovered. In consequence of this
arrangement Philander awoke about eleven o'clock at night, and
found himself lying on a pine bench, in a strange and dim apart-
ment. Raising himself upon his elbow, he looked around until his
pye rested on a man seated by a stove, smoking a cigar. ' Where
am I ?' said Philander. — ' In a medical college,' said the cigar
smoker. — ' What a-doing there?' — ' Going to be cut up.' — ' How
came that?' — ' Why, you died yesterday, while you were drunk,
and we bought your body to make a natomy.' — ' It's a lie ; Pm not
dead.' — 'No matter. We bought your carcass from your wife,
who had a right to sell it, for it's all the good she could ever make
of you. If you're not dead that's no lault of the doctors, and
they'll cut you up, dead or alive.' — 'You will do it, eh?' asked
the old sot. — 'Ay, to be sure we will : now, directly,' was the res-
olute answer. — ' Well, can't you let me have something to drink
before you begin?' This last speech satisfied the watchman that
Philander was a hopeless case, and, as his reward was contingent
on his successful treatment of the patient, he was not a little cha-
grined at the result; so, with no gentle handling, he tumbled the
irreformable inebriate out ni the watch-house. — American Paper.
Universal Agreement. — There is one passage in the Scrip-
tures to which all the potentates of Europe Beem to have given
unanimous assent and approbation, and ti> have studied so tho-
roughly as to have it quite at their fingers' ends. ' There went out
a dune from Claudius Ccesar, that all the world should be taxed.
FUN AND AMUSEMENT. 165
A gentleman having called a ticket-porter to carry a mes-
sage, asked his name ; the reply was Russell. ' And, pray,'
said the gentleman, jocularly, ' is your coat of arms the same
as the Duke of Bedford's ?'— ' As to our arms, your honour,'
said the porter, ' I believe they are much alike ; but there is
a great difference between our coats.
A man was in the habit of making great profession when he
was sick, but always returned to his old ways when he got
well. In one of his illnesses, when he was, as usual, making
loud protestations of his change of heart, a homely neighbour
said to him—' Wait a bit, John, thou'st got the handcuffs on
now.
Merely a Trifling Difference.— in a country parish in the
north of Cumberland the inhabitants lately took it into their heads
to have an harmonium for their parish church, which was accordingly
ordered, and was duly announced as being ready at the nearest rail-
way station, awaiting its transportation to its destination, which was
to be by means of the cart of a farmer who had kindly offered to take
it up to the village, at the same time that he carried home a " Patent
Time-Saving Washing Machine," which the farmer's wife had per-
suaded the good man to invest in, to get up their household linen.
Now it happened that he being the leading man of the village, and
the churchwarden, the instrument was addressed to him. Safely de-
posited in his cart, the two " new-fangled things" got home ; but lo !
"Which is t' thing et weshes t' cleas?" and which "f new organ
fiddle ?" Neither had ever been seen at work by the puzzled church-
warden, and " for f varra leyfe on em" he could not tell " whilk was
whilk." At last, however, the larger of the two— both being fitted
up in neat oak cases — was pitched upon as being more like the har-
monium, and was set in its appointed place in the church, the other
being deposited in the washhouse, ready for use at the next wash. We
may leave it to our readers to imagine the astonishment of the
schoolmaster on being taken down in the evening to " give a tune or
two" to the village choir, and a select circle, on what turned out to
be a washing machine ! The farmer defends himself from the jokes
of his friends by saying " they were so much alike, particularly the
washing-machine, that it was impossible to tell the difference.
An Englishman, boasting of the superiority of the horses in his
country, mentioned that the celebrated Eclipse had run a mile in a
minute. " My good fellow," exclaimed an American present, "that
166 THE BOOK OF
is rather less than the average rate of onr common roadsters. I live
at my country seat, near Philadelphia, and when I ride in a hurry to
town, of a morning, my own shadow can't keep up with me, but gen-
erally comes into the store to find me, from a minute to a minute
and a half after my arrival. One morning the beast was restless, and
I rode him as fast as I possibly could several times round a large
factory — just to take the old Harry out of him. Well, sir, he went
so fast, that the whole time I saw my back directly before me, and
was twice in danger of riding over myself."
The Infant Yankee. — A late lecturer remarked that it wouldn't
be a very violent stretch of the imagination to believe, " that a Mas-
sachusetts baby, six months old, sits in his mother's lap, eyeing his
own cradle, to see if he could not invent a better ; or at least suggest
some improvement."
FUNERAL EULOGY.
A very infamous woman, in the reign of Charles II, who
had pursued the attrocious occupation of procuress for thirty-
six years, desired in her will to have a funeral sermon preach-
ed, for which the preacher was to have ten pounds ; on the
express condition, that he should say nothing butttWZofher.
The minister concluded a sermon on the general subject of
mortality, by saying 'By the will of the deceased it is
expected that I should mention her, and say nothing but
w 11 of her. All that I shall say of her therefore is this:
she was born well, she lived ivell, and she died well ; for she
was born with the name of Gresswell, she lived in Clerken-
well, and she died in Bridc«c7."
NAPOLEON I.
Soox after the elevation of Buonaparte to the ronsulship,
he sent for Madame de Montesson, the reputed widow of the
33uh c of Orleans, and desired to know if there was any thing
in which he could be of service to her. ' General,' said she,
' I have no claim upon your generosity.' 'Do you not know,'
said Buonaparte, 'that I received from you my firsl crown P
You came to Brienne, with the duke of Orleans, to distribute
tin' prizes, ami placing upon my head tin- laurel wreath which
was tlir precursor of others, you said, ' ~S\ ay it be lucky to you!'
It is said that I am a fatalist: thus il is very natural that I
should remember this circumstance, which you have Forgotten.
It will afford me great pleasure to be of service to you.'
PUN AND AMUSEMENT. 1G7
Powers of Memory. — Boys are sometimes endowed with re-
markable memories. The Keen family, of the state of Texas, con-
sisted of three girls and a boy — the later only four years old. They
were all sitting' round the fire one evening, engaged in telling how
far back they could recollect. One of the girls recollected when
she had " a doll that winked with both eyes.' Another recollected
when she was " a little baby at the breast, and Nancy tickled her
feet.' Johnny Keen, who was the last and least of them all, said
he recollected " itmss than that.' ' How wuss?' said all the girls
in a breath. ' Oh, I recollect three weeks afore I'ze born, and how
I cried all the time for fear I'd be a gal !'
CURRAN'S SCHOOLMASTER.
An account of his interview with Boyse, the friend and educator
of his youth, is thus related by himself. 'About five and thirty
years after leaving the school at Middleton, when I had risen to
some eminence at the bar, and when I had a seat in parliament,
on my return, one day, from court, I found an old gentleman seat-
ed alone in my drawing-room ; his feet familiarly placed on each
side of the chimney-piece, and his whole air bespeaking the con-
sciousness of one quite at home. He turned round — it was my
friend of the Ball-alley. I rushed instinctively into his arms, and
burst into tears. Words cannot describe the scene that followed :
' You are right, sir : you are right,' said I ; ' the chimney-piece is
yours — the pictures are yours — the house is yours. You gave me all
I have — my friend — my father — my benefactor!' He dined with
me ; and in the evening I caught the tear glistening in his eye,
when he saw poor little Jack, the creature of his bounty, rising in
the House of Commons to reply to a right honourable. Poor Boyse !
he is now gone : and no suitor had a larger deposit of practical be-
nevolence in the court above. This is his wiue ; let us drink to his
memory.'
A stranger having entered the apartment where the Emperor
Napoleon was shaviug himself, when in a little town in Italy, he
said, " I want to see your great emperor — what are you to him ? "
The emperor replied, " I shave him. "
• Don't you think the Rev. Mr. K. a preacher of great power ?'
asked a gentleman, in reference to a pompous, long-winded divine,
who spoke in a high -keyed, drawling voice. ' Yes, high-draio-Mc
power,' was the reply of the person addressed.
168 THE BOOK OF
Smart 'Uns. — ' First class in astronomy, stand up. Where does
the sun rise ?' ' Please, sir, down in our meadow ; I seed it yester-
day.' • Hold your tongue, you dunce ; where does the sun" riser
'I know— in the east.'—' Right, and why does it rise in the east?"
1 Because the 'east makes every thing rise.' 'Out, you boohy.'
BUTTERY DICK
My neighbour Dick was sent one day,
With a message for Old Farmer Ray,
Whose farm was just beside the moor,
Consisting- of land both rich and poor.
Well-pleased was Dick to have an out,
He cross'd the moor with many a shout,
And came at length to the old farm-gate,
To give his message in joyful state.
He knock'd at the door, and made his how,
Just in the way his mother did show,
And told his tale so very polite.
That Farmer Ray was full of delight.
Now Farmer Ray was a wealthy chap,
And liberal too with his bread and tap;
But in haste to send an answer back,
He forgot to give poor Dick a snack.
For messenger Dick had hungry grown,
Since he had quitted the distant town ;
His empty stomach gave loudest calls,
His hunger was rife to break through walls.
At the farm it had been churning day,
The butter was not yet put away,
'Twus on tbe table in numerous rolls,
And tempting it was to hungry souls.
Thought hungry Dick, that butter looks nice,
I wish in my heart 1 had a slice
Well spread upon a twopenny cake,
I think it would cure the Btomacb :iche.
So when the old Farmer did withdraw,
Says Dick u> himself, Til have a go ;
ilr ruse, from the seat on which he sat
And dropped u pound into bis hat.
FTTN AND AMUSEMENT. 1G9
As I return, I will buy some bread,
And on it the butter I will spread ;
Though thieving makes me feel on a flutter.
I'm rather uneasy with this butter.
Old Ray is rich— has plenty to spare,
He'll never miss it — so do not care ;
He'd do the same if as hungry he felt, —
I must be gone, ere the butter shall melt.
What a time he is !— I cannot stop,
The butter gives notice that it will drop ;
if he does not release me quick,
With flutter and grease I shall be sick.
Ah ! buttery Dick, thou didst not see,
That old Farmer Ray was watching thee ;
He saw thee take it ; and he did mutter,
' I'll make him smart, and baste him with butter.'
' I'll teach him to steal when he comes here,
And I'll make that pound of butter dear :
So then here's to work to cure him right,
I'll have him soon in a greasy plight.'
In merry mood now old Ray came in,
While hungry Dick did tremble and grin : —
' My lad, you appear impatient quite,
But wait till I a letter shall write :
Come, sit in this chair, beside the fire,
And warm your feet — they are cold with mire ;
The fire is low — Molly, mend it up,
And bring more coals, and some ale to sup :
And put some ginger and nutmeg in,
Afterwards bring him a glass of gin ;
Be at home, my lad, you're cold and flutter, —
Moll, let him have some bread and butter.'
So Dick regaled on butter and bread,
With hot foaming ale, well peppered;
While Farmer Ray his letter did write,
Eyeing buttery Dick with rare delight.
The sweating process did now commence,
To give the culprit a proper sense ;
The pound of butter had softer grown,
And about his ears came leaking down.
The letter done— the Farmer did say,
' Be at home, my lad, now eat away 5
170 THE BOOK OF
Then drink this gin — I'll have no excuse,
For this cold day, it will be of use.'
Poor Dick was press'd on every side,
What with food and fire, he could not bide ;
The steam was rais'd to such a degree,
The butter came down in streams right free.
It trickled down upon all his hair,
Shirt, collar, and clothes received a share ;
No part of his face from butter was free,
It filled his eyes — he could scarcely see.
Poor Dick exceeded priest Aaron now,
When the ointment on his beard did flow,
And on his garments its odour spread ;
So Dick was greas'd — but no fragrance shed.
Farmer Ray was overcome with mirth,
'Twas the rummest thing he'd seen on earth ;
Dick seasoned and roasting like a goose,
When the fat from the skin is seen to ooze.
4 1 wonder,' said Ray, • that you have sat,
Before the fire, having on your hat ;
If you take it off, you'll feel more easy,
You will not sweat and be so greasy.'
' Ah ! master Ray, please excuse me now,
My ringworm I do not like to show,
My mother charg'd me before I sped,
'Be sure to keep thy hat on thy head.'
1 Well, I will not urge it, use your choice,
To 6ee you happy makes me rejoice ,
I hope this cheer your taste has met,
And done you good, though it makes you sweat.'
'The fire gets low, — Moll, bring some fuel,
Some of us soon may want some gruel ;
Put on more coals, and fire away,
I am pleas'd this lad will with me stay.'
' I thank you, master, for being kind,'
But my way home I must try to find ;
' You must not go yet,' old Ray replied
' Till a glass of brandy you have tried.'
As Molly passed poor Dickey's chair,
She saw him sweat, and did declare,
FUN AND AMUSEMENT. 171
' I never saw such a sight before,
The sweat pours from him to the floor.'
* It is not sweat, it looks like butter,
Ay, down his face I see it scutter ;
Tt may be butter or bacon fat ;
Why does it come from under his hat ?
' I've got a sore head, poor Dick replied ,
And every remedy I have tried ;
But still the wound progressed the faster
Until I tried a buttery plaster."
"And now you see that it melts with heat,
And falls on my Sunday clothes so neat.'
"I hope the plaster will do it good,"
Said Farmer Ray in a laughing mood.
"It is cold,'' said Ray, "mend up the fire,
Yes, raise it fully one foot higher ;
Come, come, my lad, that brandy sup,
You shall have another, so drink it up."
But now poor Dick began to faint,
And was forced to utter this complaint ; —
" Farmer Ray, I begin to tire,
Let me withdraw from this hot lire."
" I cannot stop any longer here,
I assure you that I do feel queer ;
Permit me to go, I'm all a-sweat,
Shirt, stockings, coat, breeches, — all are wet."
"Very well, lad, the process is past,
The butter's gone — may the lesson last ;
I'd have you to learn when you come here,
That stealing and lying will cost you dear."
"You took the butter, I saw you do it,
And sadly you lied to get through it ;
I lift up your hat, and what do I see?
Not the disease you mentioned to me."
"I care not for the butter you took,
If you will now at the warning look;
Stealing and lying together will go,
Filling with sorrow, leading to woe."
So now, my lad, I will give you ease,
After your purgatory in grease ;
Hie home as fast as you can scutter,
And don't forget the pound of butter."
172 THE BOOK OF
A Dutiful Child.—' How old are ye ?' said Mr. Major Kiplins
to a dwarfish young man. — ' Twenty.' — ' I wonder you aren't right
down ashamed of being no bigger ; you look like a boy of ten.' —
'All comes of being a dutiful child.' — ' How so ? — 'When I was
ten, father put his baud on my head, and said ' Stop there,' and
he then ran away ; I've never seen him since, and didn't think it
right in me to go on growing without his leave."
THE LADIES.
A TOAST.
' No skylights or heeltaps,' exclaimed Costigan, standing up with
oratorical pomp, and looking round to see that every glass was full.
' Sir — there are moments when the human heart is agitated by emo-
tions — don't laugh, young man, you'll know better when you grow
older. We've enjoyed, sir, at your hospitable board this day, aa in-
tellectual feast that'll be remembered by our great-grandchildren, to
whom we will feel it our duty to communicate the rich trate. A grate-
ful posterity, sir, will hold the day in reverence, and every mother's
son of them will emulate your example, and consider himself bound to
give a dinner on the occasion. But I appale to every one o' you, in
your concave and convex connections with the world at large, as hus-
bands, fathers, sons, brothers, lovers, and cousin-germans, what would
this intellectual trate have been without the presence of lovely woman .'
The eye of woman, sir, is the growing refulgence that lights up the
transparency of human life. Is there a heart amongst you that doesn't
respond to my appale? Sir, the extent of our obligations to that sex
is unknown. From the cradle to the grave — I spake advisedly— wo-
man is with us everywhere. We are born of woman, and when we
die we go back to her arms, for aren't we then put to sleep in our mo-
ther earth? Everything that's beautiful, and grand, and glorious is of
the female gender. Isn't Liberty a woman ? Isn't Britannia a wo-
man? and when does she look so like a real divinity as when she's lean-
ing on her anchor, and shaking hands across the green waters with her
sister Ilibeniia .' Aren't the Muses and the Graces women to a man?
And the only bull in the fine ancient heathen mythology was making
Love n little boy. If we had had the making of the gods and goddesses
in Ireland, may be we wouldn't put petticoats upon Cupid, and con-
vert him into a girl ! If Love isn't a woman, the deuce is in the diee.
A bumper, boys, for woman, upstanding, with one foot on your chairs,
and three times three, ami all the honours! Immaculate, immutable
Woman! Take the lire from me — The ladies, sir, that have left us,
and may Ihey never leave us again, and may blessing be on them
Wherever they go. One, two, three, hurrah 1 — bathershin ! — one, two,
three hurrah! hurrah!'
EUN AND AMUSEMENT. 173
Singing and Jumping. — Handel was once the proprietor of
the Opera house, London, and at the time presided at the harpsi-
chord in the orchestra. His embellishments were so masterly that
the attention of the audience was frequently diverted from the sing-
ing to the accompaniment, to the frequent mortification of the vo-
cal professors. A pompous Italian singer was once so chagrined
at the marked attention paid to the harpsichord, in preference to
his own singing, that he swore, that if ever Handel played him a
similar trick, he would jump down upon his instrument, and put a
stop to the interruption : upon which Handel thus accosted him:
— ' Oh ! oh ! you vill jump, vill you ? very veil, Sare ; be so kind,
and tell me de night ven you vill jump, and I vill advertishe it
in de bills ; and I shall get grate dale more money by your jump-
ing than I shall get by your singing.'
BUONAPARTE.
One day at the camp of Boulogne, Napoleon, accompanied by
6ome engineers, was walking on the beach, and an old sailor was
there also ; they met, and the old tar, without seeming the least
embarrassed, answered with much promptness to the questions put
to him. During this discourse, the Emperor took out his gold
snuff-box and opened it mechanically ; the sailor, on seeing it, first
saluted the Emperor familiarly, and then plunged his two fingers
into the box. ' The deuce !' exclaimed .Napoleon, ' it seems, com-
rade, that you like it.' The sailor disconcerted at this remark, let
fall the pinch, and began to apologize. The emperor shut the
box. ' Here, my brave fellow,' said he, ' as you like the snuff so
well, take the box also.' The old sailor ever after was continually
relating this anecdote. There was not a cabin boy but was anxious
to see the snuff-box ; and this little adventure rendered Napoleon
more popular in the fleet, than if they had received a present of six
months' pay.
A certain Bishop had a Biscayan man-servant whom he order-
ed one festival to go to a butcher, who was called David, for a
piece of meat, and then come to church where the Bishop was to
preach. The Bishop in his sermon, bringing authorities from the
scriptures in this manner : ' Isaiah says thus :' ' Jeremiah says
thus:' At last, happening to turn towards the door as his servant
came in, went on. ' And what says David ?' upon which the Bis-
cayman roared out, â– He swears to God, that if you do not pay
your old bill, you need never send to his shop again.'
174 THE BOOK OF
A dignified Clergyman when returning from a journey, met
near his house a comical old chimney-sweeper, with whom he used to
chat, ' So, John,' says the doctor, ' from whence come you ?' 'from
your house,' says Mr. Soot, ' for this morning I have swept all your
chimneys.' ' How many were there?' says the doctor, 'No less
than twenty,' quoth John. 'Well, and how much a chimney have
you?' ' Only a shilling a piece, sir.' ' Why then,' quoth the doc-
tor, ' you have earned a great deal of money in a little time.' ' Yes,
yes, sir,' says John, throwing his hag of soot over his shoulders,
' we black coats get our money easy enough.'
THE RICH MAN AND THE POOR MAN
So goes the world ; — if wealthy, you may call
This friend, that brother, — friends and brothers all ;
Though you are worthless — witless — never mind it ;
You may have been a stable boy — what then ?
'Tis wealth, good sir, makes honourable men —
You seek respect, no doubt, and you will find it.
But if you are poor, heaven help you ! though your sire
Had royal blood within him, and though you
Possess the intellect of angels, too,
'Tis all in vain ; — the world will ne'er inquire
On such a score ; — why should it take the pains ?
'Tis easier to weigh purses, sure, than brains.
I once saw a poor fellow, keen and clever,
Witty and wise : — he paid a man a visit,
And no one noticed him, and no one ever
Gave him a welcome. 'Strange,' cried I 'whence is it V
He walk'd on this side, and then on that,
He tried to introduce a social chat ;
Now here, now there, in vain he tried ;
Some formally and freezingly replied,
And some
Said by their silence — 'Better stay at home.'
A rich man burst the door,
As Cronsus rich — I'm sure
He could not pride himself upon bis wit;
And as for wisdom, lie had none of it;
He had what's better, -he had wealth.
What a confusion ! — all stand up erect —
These crowd around him — ask him of his health ;
These bow in honest duty and respect ,
FUN AND AMUSEMENT. 175
And these arrange a sofa or a chair,
And these conduct him there.
' Allow me, sir, the honour,' — then a bow
Down to the earth, — 1st possible to show
Meet gratitude for such kind condescension ?
The poor man hung his head,
And to himself he said : —
'This is, indeed, beyond my comprehension :'
Then looking round,
One friendly face he found,
And said — ' Pray tell me why is wealth preferr'd
To wisdom?'— 'That's a silly question, friend !'
Replied the other — 'have you never heard,
A man may lend his store
Of gold and silver ore,
But wisdom none can borrow, none can lend ?'
Three Chances for a Wife.— I once courted a gal by the name
of Deb Hawkins. I made up to get married. Well, while we was
going up to the deacon's, I stepped my foot into a mud puddle, and
spattered the mud all over Deb's new gown, made out of her grand-
mother's chintz petticoat. When we got to the deacon's I asked Deb
if she would take me for her lawful wedded husband? — "No," says
she, "I shan't do no such thing." — "What on airth is the reason?"
says I. — "Why," says she, "I've taken a mislikin' to you." Well,
it was all up with me then, but I gave her a string of beads, a few
kisses, some other notions, and made it up with her ; so we went up to
the deacon's a second time. I was determined to come up to her this
time, so when the deacon asked me if I should take her for my law-
fully wedded wife, says I, " No, I shan't do no such thing." — " Why,"
says Deb, "what on airth is the matter ?"—" Why,'' says I, "I've
taken a mislikin' to you now." Well, there it was all up again, but I
gave her a new apron, and a few other little trinkets, and we went up
again to get married. We expected then we 6hould be tied so fast
that all nature couldn't separate us, and when we asked the deacon if
he wouldn't marry us, he said, "No, I shan't do no such thing."—
"Why, what on airth is the reason?" says we. — " Why," says he,
"I've taken a mislikin' to both on you." Deb burst out cryin', the
deacon burst out scoldin', and I burst out laughin', and sicu a set of
reg'lar bursters you never did see.
1 How is it,' said a gentleman to Sheridan, 'that your name has
not an attached to it i* Your family is Irish, and co doubt il-
lustrious.'—' No family has a better right to an O thau our family,"
said Sheridan, ' for we owe every body.'
176 THE BOOK OP
TIPPEKARY.
Dr. Fitzgerald, in his poem of the 'Academic Sportsman,' in-
troduces the following apostrophe to his birth-place, the village of
Tipperary :
4 And thou, dear village, loveliest of the clime,
Fain would I name tbee, but I can't in rhyme.'
This catching the observation of some of our English wits, gave
rise to the following laughable Jeu de mnt.
A bard there was in sad quandary
To end his rhyme with — Tipperary !
Long laboured he through January,
But all in vain for — Tipperary !
Toil'd every day in February,
But toil'd in vain for — Tipperary !
Exploring ' Byshe's Dictionary,'
He miss'd the rhyme for — Tipperary !
Search'd Hebrew text, and commentary,
Yet found no rhyme for — Tipperary !
And though of time he was not chary,
'Twas thrown away on — Tipperary !
For still the line would run contrary,
Whene'er he turn'd to — Tipperary !
The stubborn verse he ne'er could vary,
To that unlucky — Tipperary !
Strange that a wight so wise and wary,
Could find no rhyme for — Tipperary !
He next implored his mother Mary
To tell him rhyme for— Tipperary!
But she, good woman, was no fairy,
Nor witch, though born in — Tipperary !
Knew every thing about her dairy,
But not the rhyme for— Tipperary !
Drawing from thence a corollary
That nought would rhyme with — Tipperary!
And of his wild-goose chase most weary,
lie vowed to leave out — Tipperary !
Wild Beasts.— Diogenes being asked what kind of beast was
the worst, replied, among wild beasts, the back-biter, among tame
ones, the Batterer.
fUN AND AMUSEMENT. 177
A YANKEE IN LOVE.
Oh, dear, what nonsense people talk about love, don't they?
Sleepless nights — broken dreams— beatin hearts — pale faces— a
pinin' away to shaders — fits of absence — loss of appetite — narvous
flutterins, and all that. I haven't got the symptoms, but I'll swear
to the disease. Folks take this talk, 1 guess, from poets ; and they
are miserable, mooney sort of critters, half mad, and whole lazy,
who would rather take a day's dream than a day's work any time,
and catch rhymes as niggers catch flies to pass time— hearts and
darts, cupid and stupid, purlin' streams and pulin' dreams, and so on.
It's all bunkum! Spooney looks and spooney words may do for
school-boys and seminary gals ; but for a man like me, and an
angeliferous critter like Sophy, love must be like electricity— eye
for eye, heart for heart, telegraphed backwards and forwards like
'iled liu-htnin.' — Sam Slick.
SLEEPING THREE IN A BED.
Mr. G. Sykes, a respectable Itinerant Preacher, was remarkable
for wit and humour, as well as for eloquent preaching. Being
once on a journey, and night coming on before he could possibly
reach the residence of any of his friends, he was under the neces-
sity of tarrying all night at a village Alehouse. Happening to be
the Fair day there, the landlady informed him that he was welcome
to stay if he could accommodate himself to sleep with other two
gentlemen, as they had but one spare bed, and that was already
engaged to carry double. He told her that he preferred a' bed
even on those conditions to none. However about bed-time, he
contrived to be the first to retire to rest. After having secured the
door with all possible precaution, he fell asleep — from which he
Mas quickly roused by the chamber-maid. 'Who's there?' in-
quired our traveller. — ' The two gentiemen want to go to bed.' re-
plied the girl.—' 1 think the bed is full enough already,' said he. —
'Well, who is there?' — ' Here is George Sykes,' calmly replied the
man of God, 'a Methodist preacher, and myself' The maid was
satisfied, aud Mr. Sykes slept comfortably till morning.
Marshal Soult, once showing the pictures he stole in Spain,
stopped before one, and remarked: 'I value that picture very
much ; it saved the lives of two estimable persons.' An aide-
camp whispered in the listener's ears : ' He threatened to have
them both shot unless they gave it up.'
L
178 THE BOOK OF
A Lawyer's Name. — A lawyer wrote rascal in the hat of a bro-
ther lawyer, who, on discovering it, entered a complaint in open
court against the trespasser, who, he said, had not only taken his
hat, but had written his own name in it.
Wellington. — During the battle of Waterloo, while he stood
in the centre of the high road, in front of mount St. John, several
guns were levelled at him. The balls repeatedly grazed a tree
on the right hand of the road, which now bears his name. ' That's
good practice,' observed the Duke to one of his suite, 'I think they
fire better than in Spain.'
WATCH AND PRAY.
The Rev. Mr. Leppington had a practice of making a very long
extempore Grace before meat : — Being one day on a visit to a
friend's house, who was blessed with a son endued with a larger
portion of wit than grace ; when the company had sat down to din-
ner, which was neat lint plain, and served up in one or two dishes,
and all were leaning their closed eyes in their hands, some with
real and some with affected devotion, attending to the minister, the
waggish youth contrived slily and silently to remove the eatables
into an adjoining apartment, the door of which stood open. He
had recovered his seat in time enough to raise his head with the
rest of the company. 'What is become of the dinner,' was the
extemporaneous exclamation of every tongue, when the place was
discovered ' where the dinner was not.' — 'Tis a judgment,' ob-
served the youth, ' on us for not sufficiently attending to the injunc-
tions of the scripture.' — ' I think we were complying exactly with
the commands of scripture,' said Mr. Leppington, ' lor we were
praying.' — ' Yes,' says the youth, 'but the scripture sivs we must
ivalch as well as prat/. Had one of us been watching as atten-
tively as you were prayiny, we had not lost our dinner.'
It is said that of five hundred and forty young ladies who faint-
ed away last year, more than one half fell into the amis of gentle-
men. Only two had the misfortune to fall on the Hour.
' Ma,' said little Katv, ' 1 don't think Solomon was as rich as
they say lie was,' 'Why, my dear?' asked the astonished mother.
1 Bi cauBe he slept with his fathers, and I think it he had been so
ven rich be would have had a bed of his own.'
FUN AND AMUSEMENT. 179
A proud parson and his man riding over a common, saw a shep-
herd tending his flock, who had a new coat on, the parson asked
him, in a haughty tone, who gave him that coat? 'The same,'
said he, 'that clothed you, the parish.' The parson, nettled at
this, rode on, murmuring, a little way, and then hade his man go
hack and ask the shepherd, if he would come and live with him,
for he wanted a fool ? The man went accordingly to the shepherd,
delivered his master's message, and concluded as lie was ordered,
that his master wanted a fool. ' Why are you going away then V
said the shepherd. ' No,' answered the other. ' Then you may
go and tell your master,' replied the shepherd, 'his living cannot
maintain three of us.'
AN ODE TO DELIA.
Thy ruby eyes, my charming fair,
And snowy cheeks have won my heart
May heav'n in mercy hear my prayer,
And never let thee feel the smart.
I've often wish'd that I might be
A dishclout in thy rosy hands ;
Or, hut the favour' d myrtle tree,
That in thy chamber window stands.
For if a dishclout, then I might
Be press'd in thy lov'd hand by day ;
Or if a myrtle, then by nig-ht,
I could thy rapt'rous charms survey.
Antiquity. — A lawyer and a doctor were discussing the antiqui-
ty of their respective professions, and each cited their authority to
prove his the most ancient. ' Mine,' said the disciple of Lycurgus,
'commenced almost with the world's era. Cain slew his brother
Abel, and that was a criminal case in law.' ' True,' rejoined Es-
culapius, 'but my profession is coeval with the creation itself.
Old Mother Eve was made out of a rib taken from Adam's body,
and that was a surgical operation.' The lawyer dropped his green
bag.'
Why are people who stutter unsafe to rely on ? Because they're
always breaking their word.
180 THE BOOK OP
SWIFT AND SHERIDAN-
Dr. Sheridan was extremely vain of his estate at Quilca, and
improved it by a number of foolish whims. This was to Dean
Swift a fair subject ; and he seized every opportunity to ridicule
the Doctor upon it. Happening to be in company with the Bishop
ofMeath, and some other persons, among whom was Sheridan,
the Bishop observed that he was without a house, as his palace
was then undergoing a repair. Upon this the Dean offered the
use of his parsonage at Laracor to the Bishop. Dr. Sheridan who
would not be outdone in generosity, made the Bishop an offer of
his mansion at Qnilca. The Dean was tickled with the folly of
the schoolmaster, and produced, for the information of the company,
the following ludicrous discription of Quilca:
Let me thy properties explain ;
A rotton cabin, dropping rain,
Chimneys with scorn rejecting' smoke;
Stools, tables, chairs, and bedsteads broke.
Here elements have lost their uses,
Air ripens not, nor earth produces.
In vain we make poor Shelata toil,
Thro' all the valleys, hills, and plains,
Fire will not roast, nor water boil.
The Goddess Want in triumph reigns ;
And her chief officers of state,
S/ul/i, Dirt, and Theft around her waitl*
The Doctor sat crest fallen a few moments, and then slipped out
of doors — wrote a humorous inventory of the Dean's goods at Lar-
acor — folded it up, and gave it with a shilling to a beggar, to pre-
Si Ut, as a petition, to the Bishop. While the Bishop read the lct-
ter, the Dean railed at beggars ; but silence seized him when he
took the paper himself and read : —
' A true and faithful inventory of the goods belonging to Dr.
Swift, Vicar of Laracor, upon Ins offering to lend his house to the
Bishop of Meath, till the Bishop's be finished.
"An oaken, broken, t lhow chair;
A caudle cup, without an ear ;
A batter'd, Bhatter'd, ash bedstead ;
A boi of deal « ithout a lid ;
A pair of '"" i i, but out of joint ;
A backsword poken, without point;
A pot that's orack'd, aoross, around,
With an old knotted garter bound;
FUN AND AMUSEMENT. 1 Si
An iron lock, w ithout a key;
A w;g, with hanging quite »rown grey;
A curtain worn to half a stripe;
A pair of bellows without pipe;
A dish which might afford good meat once,
An Ovid, and an old Concordance;
A bottle bottom, wooden platter;
(One is for meal, and one for water ;)
There likewise is a copper skillet;
Which runs as fast out, as we fill it ;
A candle-stick, snuff-dish, and save-all ;
And thus his household goods you have all.
These to your Lordship, as a friend,
Till you have built, I'll freely lend.
They'll serve your Lordship for a shift ;
Why not aa well as Dr. Swift?
The retaliation was allowed to be complete, and the parties con-
tiuued faithful friends as usual.
HANDEL.
Handel had such a remarkable irritation of nerves, that he could
not bear to hear the tuning of instruments, and therefore this was
always done before he arrived at the theatre. A musical wag, who
knew how to extract some mirth from Handel's irascibility of temper,
stole into the orchestra, on a night when the Prince of Wales was to
be present, and untuned all the instruments. As soon as the Prince
arrived, Handel gave the signal of beginning con spirito ; but such
was the horrible discord, that the enraged musician started up from
his seat, and having overturned a double bass, which stood in his way,
he seized a kettle drum, which he threw with such violence at the
leader of the band, that he lost his full-bottomed wig in th(
Without waiting to replace it, he advanci i, bare-headed, to the fi :
of the orchestra, breathing vengeance, but so much choked with pas-
sion that utterance was denied him. In this ridiculous attitude he
stood staring and stamping for some moments, amidst a convulsion of
laughter; nor could he be prevailed upon to resume his seat, until the
Prince went in person, and with much difficulty appeased his wrath.
A secret is like silence — you cannot talk about it and keep it ; it
is like money — when once you know there is any concealed it is
half discovered. 'My dear Murphy,' said an Irishman to Lis
friend, 'why did you betray the secret that I told you?" ' Is it
betraying, you call it? Sure, when I found I wasn't able to keep
it myself, didn't I do well to tell it to somebody that could?'
1S2 TIIE BOOK OF
THE LOVER'S PETITION
' Give me a tress of curling hair.
Above thy forehead, love, reclining 1 ,
And next my faithful heart I'll wear
The golden treasure, brightly shining.*
Thus spoke I to my Laura dear,
And brightly on her cheek the blushes
Of modesty and love sincere
Uiuw'd in their rosy transient flushes.
Repulsing me, she gently strove
To free her tresses from my fingers,
And as I sought the gift of love,
The glance she gave in mem'ry lingers-
'Twas partly anger, partly fear —
I wonder'd at her strange emotion,
When in my hand her wig fell down! —
A cooler to my love's devotion.
RULES TO DISCOVER MARRIED COUPLES.
1. If you see a gentleman and a lady disagree upon trifling
occasions or correcting each other in company, you ma; be assured
they have tied the matrimonial no(
2. If you a it pair in a hackney or any other coach,
lolling i one at each window, without seeming to know
they have a companion, the sign is infallible.
3. If you see a lady drop her glove, and a gentleman by the
side of her, kindly telling her to pick it up, you need not hesitate
in forming your opinion ; or,
4. If you see a lady presenting a gentleman with any thing
car' I inclined another way, and speaking to him
with in ; fieri nee ; or,
5. Ifyou meet a couple in the fields, the gentleman twenty
ranee of the lady, who, perhaps is getting over a style
with . i picking her way through a muddy path ; or,
(i. li you see a lady whose beauty and accomplishments attract
attention of every gentleman in the room but one, you can
haw tin difficulty in deb rmining their relationship to each other
— the one is hei husband.
7. 1 1 you Bee a gentleman particularly courteous, obliging, and
good-natured, relaxing into smiles, saying smart things, and toying
with every putty woman in the room, excepting one, to whom he
FITS iVIi AMUSEMENT. 183
appears particular]) n served, cold, and formal, and is unreasona-
bly cross — who that one is, nobody can lie at a loss to discover.
8. If you see a young or an old couple jarring, checking and
thwarting each other, differing in opinion before the opinion is
expressed ; eternally anticipating and breaking the thread of each
other's discourse, yet using kind words, like honey bubbles floating
on vinegar, which are soon overwhelmed by the preponderance of
the fluid ; they are, to all intents, man, and wife ! — it is impossible
to be mistaken.
The rules above quoted are laid down as infallible in just inter-
pretation — they may be resorted to with confidence ; they are upon
unerring principles, and deducted from every day's experience.
^X ^~x
Gallantly. — A gallant old gentleman of the name of Page,
finding a young lady's glove at a watering-place, presented it to
her with the following words: —
' If from yoiir g-love you take the letter G,
Your glove is love, which I devote to thee."
To which the lady returned the following neat answer: —
If from your Page you take the letter P,
Your Page is age, and that won't do for me.'
Crailiology. — A professor of Craniology passing the other
morning through a Church yard near London, while they were
opening some old graves, took up several skulls, and affected to
distinguish very accurately the characters of their owners. ' This
now,' said the professor, ' belonged to a philosopher.' 'Like enough,
your honour,' replied the grave digger, ' for I see it is a bit cracked.'
Some time before the breaking up of the British head quarters
at Cambray, an Irish soldier, a private in the 23rd Regiment of
foot, was convicted of shooting at, and robbing a French peasant,
and was sentenced to be hang< d. On arriving at the place of exe-
cution, he addressed the spectators in a stentorian voice, as fol-
lows: — ' Bad luck to the Duke of Wellington, he's do Irishman's
friend any way. 1 have killed many a score of Frenchmen by his
orders, and when I just took it in my head to kill one ou my own
account, by the powers, he has tacked me up for it.'
' Beware,' said the potter to the clay, and it became ware.
184 THE BOOK OF
A scholar of Dr. Bushby's coming into the parlour where the
doctor had laid a fine hunch of grapes for his own eating, took it
up, and said aloud, ' I publish the banns between these grapes and
my mouth; if any one knows any just cause or impediment why
these two should not be joined together, let them now declare it.'
The doctor being in the next room, overheard all that was said,
and coining into the school, he ordered the boy who had eaten his
grapes to be taken up, or as they called it, hors'd on another boy's
back; but before he proceeded to the usual discipline, he cried out
aloud, as the delinquent had done ; ' I publish the banns between
my rod and this boy's breech, if any one knows any just cause or
impediment why these two should not be joined together, let them
declare it.' ; I forbid the banns,' cried the boy. 'Why so?' said
the doctor. ' Because the parties are not agreed,' replied the boy,
which answer so pleased the doctor, who loved to find any readiness
of wit in his scholars, that he ordered the boy to be set down.
Two Friends, who had not seen each other for some time, met
at the Exchange. ' How are you,' said one of them. ' Not very
well.' said the other. ' So much the worse; what have you been
doing since I saw you lastr" ' I have being getting married.' ' So
much the better.' ' Not so much the better; for I married a bad
wife' ' So much the worse.' ' Not so much the worse, for her dowry
was 2000 Louis.' ' So much the better.' ' Not so much the belter;
for 1 laid out a part of that sum in sheep, which have all died of
the rot.' ' So much the worse.' 'Not so much the worse ; because
the sale of their skins has brought me more than the price of the
sheep.' ' So much the better ' ' Not so much the better ; for the
house in which 1 had deposited the sheep skins and the money,
has just been burned. 1 'Oh! so much the worse.' 'Notsomuch
the worse ; for my wife was within.'
Mf.iut Rewarded — 'Sam,' said one little urchin to another,
i your schoolmaster ever give you a reward ol merit?' ' l
s'pose he does,' was the rejoindi i ; 'lie gives me a lickin' every
day, and Bays 1 merit two.'
A Gentleman. — There have been many definitions of a gentle-
man, i'ut the prettiest ami most poetic is that given by a lady in
New York. 'A gentleman,' said she, 'is a humble being com-
bining a woman's tenderness wiih a man's courage.'
FUN AND AMUSEMENT. 185
Irish Porecast. — A friend of mine told me, that lie was at a
funeral sometime since ; and, although the Church stood on rising
ground, it was so wet that the corpse was covered with water as
soon as it was let down into the grave. An Irishman who was at
the funeral, seemed much affected on seeing the water cover the
coffin — and said in a serious and feeling manner — ' If ever I die
while I live, which 1 hope I never shall, I will net he buried in
this Church-yard, to be drowned all the days of my life!'
AN EP1GEAM.
Cum Bet, says Jack, let's hev a smack;
L'v langt foi-'t boon a week. —
Here take it then, says Bet again ;
An slapt 'im reet o' th' cheek I
Tom Treddlehoyle's Violoncello. -When ah wor at me last
skooil, ah tuck ta playin a blether-baise ov anew destruekshan, — hey,
an ah wor soa affeard a onny boddy seein it, at ah uze't ta be teed up
in a 6eck whenivver ah play'd it, ah wor, indeed ; an, ah remember,
wun winter time, ah wor e praektisin a varry still piece, an thear they
went ta bed, do yo naw, did ar owd foaks, an left me teed up it seek
all't neet, an when they gat up it mornin, thear ah wor at bottam at
stairs, hommast smuthard, — hey, yo ma laft', but all sud a been an noa
mistack, if ah heddant a nattard a hoyle we me teeth, ta breath throo.
Anuther thing:, let ma tell yo, it wor a varry difficult instrament ta
finger wor this, an so Lindlay ad say if he wor ta see it, an heez wun
at furst banse scrapers e this country, at least they tell me so, duz't
foaks; but if he iz, an hez onny consate in hizsen upa baiseolog-y, ah
doant mind tryin a bit ov a contest we him, for a trifle, awther upa
Hiekam common, Skyer's moor, Boadbill flat, or onny where else at
heeze a mind ta menshan, we thin' t terrytory a Yorksher; an them at
beats, sal be ta let t'winnen's goa tut benefit a Pudsa Dorcas Sasiaty ;
but mind, wot ah sal play al be this, if it cums to a Baig, an now't
else, an that iz't ' Bull solo,' «Sither grinder's fantazia,' an't 'Mule
choras, wit variations; an rare hard things too, for ah reckaleckt
wunce, when all wor e playin t'furst on em, ah split three a me fin-
ger-nails we goin daan three staves, below dubble D, fifteen times e
wun bar; an that last av naim'd, yo mind, iz no waister, for it neks
seven paand a rozin ta g-oa throo it, an do it azitowt ta be dun; more
then that, when ah get firir in tat middle on't, at Lindlay weant be
able ta be within a cloiselength on ma, sa much more a bar, heele
sneeze so wit rozin-dust, for it flies e. claads alias e this piece, eaze sa
menny simmy-dimmy quavers; wha, yo ma think wot its like, when
am twenty niinnits an eaan't be seen.
1S6 THE BOOK OF
Miser's Dinner. — Swift having dined with a rich miser, pro
nounced the following grace after dinner;
'Thanks to this miracle, it is no less
Than finding- manna in the wilderness.
In midst of famine we have found relief,
And seen the wonder of a chine of beef !
Chimneys have smok'd, that ne'er have smok'd before;
And we have din'd, where we shall dine no more.'
ADVENTURES OF TOMMY DIXON,
IN SEARCH OF A WIFE.
I said to myself, Tommy, said I, it is quite time for thee to think of
laiting a wife. I had for two or three years said a smooth word or
two to Ellen Mayfield ; but then I thought there were sure to be better
lasses somewhere than Ellen. It would be very curious if the best
young woman in the world should happen to be born at How House.
1 knew nought amiss by Ellen ; hut then if I went farther, I might
fare better. I therefore resolved to go into Lancashire, and get aright
good one. That, Ellen lived in Lancashire to be sure, and she was a
Lancashire lass ; but then she had seen nothing, and I wanted a wife
that knew something.
When I got to Lancaster, I called on my cousin Ned, and told him I
was going down into Lancashire to /ait a wife. Ned was so pleased
witli my resolution that he laughed right heartily. ' Thou'rt quite a
dandy,' said Ned ; ' thou'll win one any where.' To be sure I was no
way a despiseable chap; for I had got a new brown jacket, new red
plush waistcoat, new velveteen breeches, blue grey stocking's, and
quarter boots; and there was not a smarter young fellow went from
ubout Grayrigg, though I say it.
' What kind of a wife would you have?' said Ned. ' I would have
one witli a little bit of brass, ' said I, ' for I shall have a decent estate
when my father, Lord rest him, lias done with it.'
1 was silting at the Hear and Stall", while I was talking with Ned,
and such a beautiful young ladjf, as I thought her, brought us some-
thing to drink. When she was gone, Ned says, ' Well, Tommy, will
that suit you, as you seem to admire her.' ' If I could catch her,'
said I, 'she would do; but a country lad like me, has no chance of
getting a Lancaster lady. Nay, Ned, I must be content with one like
myself; but it I had been a gentleman 1 would have had that lady.'
' That lady,' said Ned, ' is only the bar-maid. Her lather is a weav-
er in Penny-street ; hut line feathers, it seems, make line birds, Tom-
my.' — I puzzled a long while to think how servant lasses could afford
to dress like ladies, bul I couldn't make it out.
Uut I was more surprised with what I saw at Chorley than what I
FUN AND AMUSEMENT. 1S7
was with t li is*. Bill Stitch, our tailor's sou was living at Cliorley, so
I called upon him and told him what I was after. 'That's right,' said
Bill, ' we'll just take a walk to a public-house or two, and try to find
one of your mind, Tommy.' 'To a public-house to lait a sweetheart!'
I exclaimed. 'Yes,' said Bill, 'whither else would you go V — We
went, and there they were sure enough. Haifa dozen sitting- drink-
ing as comfortably as you could wish.
* I'll tell you what, Bill,' said I, 'I'll just set back to Grayrigg, tell
my father what I have seen, and set off and wed Ellen immediately.'
— 'You'll never do better,' said Bill. I took his advice; and in less
than three weeks 1 wedded Ellen, and I believe I liked her better since
I knew what kind of women the world contained. She neither spends
my money in fine clothes, nor drinks ; but seems as anxious as I do to
make ends meet nicely, and get a little matter to spare against a wet
day.
Thus, said the pannier man, it is not necessary to travel far to get
a ^ood wife. ' You will generally find,' said the old man, 'that hea-
ven has so wisely ordered all things, that our marriages will uniform-
ly be most happy when we are united to one whom we know — No
doubts or suspicions torment the mind. We are both among our friends,
and constitute one little family. I recommend also to marry as nearly
as possible in the same rank of lite. Our ideas then of proper and im-
proper concerns will be more nearly alike. Our pursuits, and the
means of accomplishing our ends will not be so often thwarted. But
I am a silly old man for attempting to advise young ones. A bright
eye, or a cherry cheek will destroy all the arguments I could invent.
If I should preach to you for a month, the smiling lip of a young and
lovely female would make you forget my discourse in a minute. I
know, this was the case with me at your years, and I naturally sup-
pose it will be the same with you.'
An Irishman attending the University of Edinburgh waited
upon one of the most celebrated teachers of the German ilute, de-
siring to know on what terms he would give him a few lessons.
The flute-player informed him, that he generally charged two guin-
eas for the first month, and one for the second. 'Then by my
soul,' replied the cunning Hibernian, ' I'll come in the second
month.'
Sermons and Salutations. — A good sermon is like a kiss —
it requires but two heads and a little application.
1 On ! Nanny, wilt thou gang wi' me?' as the fellow said when
he was trying to steal the goat.
188 THE BOOK OF
Satin Waistcoat. — Many years since, a French teacher, resi-
dent in Oxford, of the name of Dncane, called on Mr. Wickhani,
a mercer, who lived opposite University College, for a waistcoat
piece, hut could not recollect the name of the material he wished
for. He said that 'he thought it was de English for de Diahle.'
Mr. Wickham mentioned the several names of his infernal High-
ness, such as Old Nick, Beelzehub, etc. — 'No, no, it was not dat.'
was the reply. At last Mr. W. thought of Satan. ' dat is vat
I vant,' said Ducane, ' I vant a Satan vestcoat,'
Fine Antitheses. — A Gentleman, known for habitual tardi-
ness, was invited to join a party at Nahant ; and appointed for
that purpose to be at a friend's house at an early hour in the
morning-. Contrary to all expectations, he was the first on the
ground, and his friend, in surprise at his punctuality, burst out in
the following lucid apostrophe : ' So you have come first at last ;
you used to be behind before ; I suspect you get up early of late ;
'tis well you called in season, you would not have found me
within without.'
Fanny Fern on Husbands and Wives.— 'if your husband
looks grave, let him alone; don't disturb or annoy him.' 01), pshaw !
when I'm married, the soberer my husband looked, the more fun I'd rat-
tle about his ears. ' Don't disturb him!' I guess so! I'd salt his cof-
fee, and pepper his tea, and sugar his beefsteak, and tread on his toes,
and hide his newspaper, and sew up his pockets, and put pins in his
slippers, and dip bis cigars in water, and wouldn't stop for the Great
Mogul, till I had shortened his face to my liking. Certainly he'd 'get
vexed' — there wouldn't be any fun in teasing him if he didn't — and
that would give his melancholy blood a good healthful Btart, and his
eyes would snap and sparkle, and he'd say : ' Fanny, « i I you be quiet
or nol V and I should laugh and pull his whisk, rs, and suy, decidedly,
' Nol !' and then I should tell him I hadn't the slightest idea how hand-
Borne he looked when he was vexed — and then he would pretend not to
hear the compliment, but would pull up his dickey, and take a sly pei p
in the glass (for all that 1 .) and then he'd begin to grow amiable, and
gel nil' hi.- stilts, and he just as agreeable all the rest, of the evening
as if he wasn't my husband- and all because 1 didn't follow that Btu-
piil advice, ' t<> let him alone.' Just as if I didn't know ! Just ima-
gine m i:, Fanny, Bitting down on a oricketin the corner, with my fore-
fingt r in my mouth, looking out of the sides of my eyes, and waiting
till that man got ready to speak to mo ! You can see at once it would
be. Well, the amount of it is, I shouldn't do it.
FUN AND AMUSEMENT.
ISO
TIM TURPIN.
Tim Turpin hG was gravel blind,
And ne'er had seen the skies —
For nature, when his head was made,
Forgot to dot his ej es,
So like a Christian pedagogue
Poor Tim was forced to do —
Look out for pupils, for he had
A vacancy for two.
There's some have specs to help their
sight,
Of objects dim and small —
But Tim had specks in both of his
Yet could not see at all.
Now Tim, he wooed a servant maid,
And took her to his arms,
For he, like Pvraraus, had cast
A wall-eye on her charms.
By day she led him up and down,
Where'er he wished to jog,
A happy wife — altho' she led
The life of any dog.
But just when Tim had livedamonth
In honey with his wife,
A surgeon op'd his Milton eyes —
Like oysters — with a knife.
But when his eyes were open'd thus
He wished them dark again,
For when he looked upon his wife,
He saw her very plain !
Her face was bad, her figure worse,
lie couldn't bear to cat,
For she was any thing but like
A grace befoie his meat !
Now Tim, he was a feeling man—
For when his sight was thick,
He used to feel for every thing,
And that was with a stick !
So, with a cudgel in his hand,
(It was nut slight or slim)
He knock'd at his wile's head, until
' It opened unto him.'
And when the corpse was stiff and
cold,
He took his slaughtered spouse,
And laid her in a heap with all
The ashes uf her house !
But like a wicked murderer.
He lived in constant fear
From day to day — and so he cut
His throat from ear to ear !
The neighbours fetched a doctor in,
Says he, this wound, I dread
Can hardly be sewed up — his life
Is hanging on a thread!
But when another week was gone,
He gave him stronger hope —
Instead of hanging on a thread,
Of hanging on a rope 1
Ah ! when he hid his murderous
work
In ashes round about,
How little he supposed the truth
Would soon be sifted out!
But when the parish dustman came
His rubbish to withdraw —
He found mure dust within the heap
Than lie contracted fur.
A dozen men to try the fact.
Were sworn that verj lay,
And though they were all jurors, yet
No conjurors were they.
Said Tim unto the jurymen —
You need not waste your breath,
For I confess myself at once,
The author of her death.
190 THE BOOK or
And, oh ! when I reflect upon > The great judge took his judgment
The blood that I have spilt, j cap,
Just like a button is my soul — \ And put it on his head,
Inscribed with double gilt ! J And sentenced Tim, by law, to hang
< Till he was three time* dead !
Then turning round his head again,
lie saw before his eyes
A great judge and a little judge—
„,, . , , . , > On Horsham urop, ana none can say
The judges ol a-size! ) '
So he was tried, and he was hung,
(Fit punishment for such)
It was a drop too much !
v---^>~^ .
JOE STANDFAST'S DESCRIPTION of a SEA-FIGHT.
We were cruising off the Lizard : on Saturday the 29th of Oc-
tober, at seven minutes past six, a. m. a sail hove in sight, bearing
southwest, with her larboard tacks on board ; clear decks ; up sails,
away we stood ; the wind right east as it could blow ; we saw she
was a Monsieur of superior force, and awful heavy metal. We re-
ceived her lire without a wiuce, and returned the compliment ; till
about five-and-twenty minutes past eight, we opened our lower
deck ports, and, as we crossed, plumpt it right into her. We quick-
ly wore round her stern, and gave her a second part of the same
tone; ditto repeated (as our doctor writes on our doses). My eyes!
how she rolled ! she looked like a floating mountain ! ' T'other
broadside, my boys,' says our captain, 'and hang-me you'll make
the mountain a mole-hill !' — We followed it up, till her lantern-
ribs were as full of holes as a pigeon-box. By nine, she had shiv-
ered our canvass so, 1 thought she'd have got off, for which she
crowded all sail. We turned to, however, and wore; and in half
an hour got along-side a second time : we saw all her mouths wide
open, and we drench'd her sweetly. She swallowed our English
pills by dozens: but they griped her awfully. At forty minutes
after nine, we brought all our guns to bear at once; bang — she
had it. Oh ! hang-me, 'twas a settler. In less than two minutes
alter, she cried ' Peccavi!' — In five more she took lire abaft ; and
just as we were going to board her, and clap every lubber upon his
beam end — whush ! — down she went by the head. — My eyes ! what
a screech was there. — Out boats ; not a man was idle— we picked
up two hundred and fifty odd, sound and wounded ; and if 1 did
not feel more joy at heart at saving their lives, than at all the vic-
tories I ever had a share in, hang-me!
Mrs. Partington says that her minister preached about ' the
parody of the probable son.'
FUN AND AMUSEMENT. 101
HUMOROUS TIT-BITS.
The Poetry and the Prose of Nature. — The most beau-
tiful sight in nature, met lately by a florid correspondent, was a
woman : ' Grace was in her step, heaven in her eye, and in her
arms a baby.' A rose-hush with a bud clinging to it was nothing
compared with such a heavenly combination. But what was poor
John like, when the baby was handed to him to carry?
The School for Good Manners. — As George III. was walk-
ing the quarter-deck of one of his men-of-war, with his hat on, a
sailor asked his messmate ' who that fellow was who did not douse
his peak to the admiral ?' ' Why, it's the King.' ' Well, king or
no king,' retorted the other, 'he's an unmannerly dog?' 'Lord!
where should he learn manners?" replied Jack. " he was never out-
side of land in his life.'
The man who has never been struck by the glance of a bright
eye deserves to be struck himself; he who bows not to love ought
to be trimmed with a hickory bough ; and the one who needs not
the soft consolation of a gentle and devoted wife should be well
kneaded with hard rubs.
A ' Fast Man' and a Trotter. — A creditor, whom he was
anxious to avoid, met Sheridan coming out of Pall Mall. There
was no possibility of avoiding him, but he did not lose his presence
of mind. ' That's a beautiful mare you are on!' said Sheridan.
' Do you think so ?' ' Yes indeed ! how does she trot ?' The cred-
itor, highly flattered, put her into a full trot. Sheridan bolted
round the corner, and was out of sight in a moment.
Husband. — Well, my love, I've sold Carlo. Wife [who ab-
hors dogs] —Now, Charles, that's kind in you — the dirty, nasty
brute — you ought to have done it long ago. Husband — Yes, my
love ; got fifty dollars — good trade— all in pups -five at ten dollars
a piece.
A Lady compositor explained to her 'fellow' the other day the
difference between printing and publishing, and at the conclusion
of her remarks, by way of illustration, she said, 'you may print
a kiss on my cheek, but you must not publish it '
192 the book or
Curious Conundrum or Rebus. — A waggoner passing a store,
was asked what lie bad in his waggon. He replied :
Three-fourths of a cross, and a circle complete
An upright where two semi-circles meet ;
A rectangle triangle standing on feet;
Two semi-circles and a circle complete.
Query. — What was in the waggon?
This is a very ' puzzle' — but after some study, we can cry { eitrrl.a.
Thus three-fourths of a cross is a T. A circle complete is an 0.
An upright where two semi-circles meet is a B. A triangle stand-
ing on feet is an A. Two semi-circles are CC, and a circle is 0.
TOBACCO is what was in the waggon.
The waggoner may wag on.
BOAR-HUNTING IN THE EAST INDIES.
I assisted the other day in a stirring scene, the narration of which
may amuse the sporting portion of your readers. Three of us sallied
forth one fine morning to rouse the wild boar from his lair. We had
not heat long before we started a boar, who went away at a spanking
rate. I got the lead with my chestnut galloway, and pressed him
hard. As I was closing up alongside to receive his charge, two bul-
locks, tied top-ether by a long rope, ran across my path, and nearly
upset me. My friend Mr. Allan W., of Phoolbariah Factory, Dacca
district, now came in for the first spear. As Mr. AV. speared the an-
imal, it got between his horse's fore legs; and, in a moment, horse,
rider, and hog-, were rolling over each other in a cloud of dust. Before
\V. could pick himself up, the boar rushed at him, seized him by the
coat (which luckily, was loose), lifted him off the ground, and shook
him as a terrier would shake a rat. Mr. W. had the presence of
mind tn lie still, and pretend to be dead. His horse Rainbow — a beau-
tiful prey Arab — jumped up and ran towards me, as if tor protection
— shaking and shivering in every limb. He then snorted wildly, and
galloped oil". Having- got I'vcv. from W's horse, 1 went at the pi-', who
immediately left W. and rushed at me with blood-? hot eye and eliamp-
ing tusks. My spear arrested his headlong career, and wheeling my
horse off with bit and spur, I got safe away from the infuriated ani-
mal, who, giving a savage grunt, dashed at Mr. D., of Sreemi
factory, a celebrated hog-hunter and daring- rider. The pig received
a terrific job from Mr, I)'.-, herculean arm; but this only appeared to
madden bim. Again he rushed at Mr. D., whose excellent horseman-
ship enabled him to avoid the onset. The savage brute Foiled in his
rush, now stood grimly at hay, Ids small malignant eye glnring on his
(ues, and his huge tu.-ks gleaming snow-white from out ot the bloorf-
FUN AND AMUSEMENT. 193
covered jaws. After an instant's pause, the boar charged at each ot
us in our turn — Mr. W., who was unable to help, as his horse was not
naught until after the fray, looking on as a spectator. From each of
us the boar received many a severe wound, but he still gallantly kept
up the fight. A powerful bull mastiff of mine now coming up, seized
the pig by the snout, and held him for a short time. He threw the
dog off, but after receiving some more spears, fell upon the field. A
more gallant pig never walked the jungle plain.
Strange to say, Mr. W. escaped with no further injury than a graze
from the boar's tusks along the ribs of the left side; and the evening's
festive board found him singing the well-known song: —
Then pledge the boar— the mighty boar!
Fill high the cup with me ;
Here's luck to all who fear no fall,
And the next grey boar we see.
You can fancy we joined most heartily in the chorus.
- "v j" N^v "v y n. •" "v >- n â–
CROSS HEADINGS.
"We had a violent gale of wind on Monday last — Which was con-
ducted in the most private manner.
The Workinton Auxiliary Bible Society — Is found to be remarkably
reduced in flesh.
Ulverston cock-fights begin on the 10th instant — Lord Melville is
appointed Governor.
To be sold by private contract — The Chancellorship of the University
of St. Andrews.
Yesterday, his Grace the Duke of Wellington— Was safely deliver-
ed of three fine children.
Last week, a field of barley was cut in — The venerable parish church
of Ulverston.
The Tower-steeple of St. Nicholas Church, Liverpool— Is licensed to
sell ale and spirituous liquors.
The assistance of the well-disposed is required in support of— The
small Lottery containing 5000 tickets.
Money wanted — The greatest discovery in the memory of man.
Upwards of 8000 acres of waste hind have — Arrived at Liverpool
from Miramichi.
On Saturday the 12th regiment of Dragoons — Was attacked by a
mad bull, and dreadfully gored.
During the late storm, a ship was driven on shore — In Kentmere
fell heads.
On Thursday last, was launched in the Lune at Lancaster— Several
sums of £1000, £500, and £200.
Married on Monday last, Mr. W. Simpson to A. prize of twenty
thousand pounds.
M
194 THE BOOK OF
CROSS TALKING.
The following- is something 1 very nearly similar to the foregoing- ; and
will follow extremely well : —
A writer in the New Monthly Magazine gives the following pleasant
illustration of a cross dialogue: — 'Talking of incongruities puts me in
mind of the steam-boat, and of a conversation between two parties,
one conversing of their children, the other settling the ingredients of
a wedding dinner, whose joint colloquies, as I sat between them, fell
upon my ear in the following detached sentences: —
' Thank Heaven ; my Sally is blessed — with a calf's head and a pig's
face.
' Well, if I should have another baby I shall have it immediately —
skinned and cut into thin .slices.
' I love to see little Tommy well-dressed — in the fish-kettle over a
charcoal fire.
' To behold the little dears dancing before one— in the frying-pan.
' And to hear their innocent tongues — bubble and squeak.
1 My eldest girl is accomplished — with plenty of sauce.
' I always see the young folks put to bed myself — and smothered in
onions.
' And if they have been very good children, I invariably order — the
heart to be stuffed and roasted, the gizzard to be peppered and deviled,
and the sole to be fried.'
JOHN AND JOAN.
No plate had John and Joan to hoard,
Plain folks in humble plight;
One tankard only crown'd their board
And that was filled each night.
Along whose inner bottom, sketch 'd
In pride of chubby grace,
Some rude engraver's hand had etch'd
A baby angel's face.
John Bwallow'd first a moderate sup,
But Joan was not like John,
For when her lips first touch'd the cup,
She swill'd till all was gone.
John often urged her to drink fair,
But she ne'er ohanged a jot,
She loved to see the angel there,
And therefore drain'd the pot.
FUN AND AMUSEMENT. 195
When John found all remonstrance vain
Another card he play'd,
And where the angel stood so plain,
He got a devil pourtray'd.
Joan saw the horns, Joan saw the tail,
Yet she as stoutly quaflfd ;
And ever, when she seized her ale,
She clear'd it at a draught.
John stared, with wonder petrified,
His hair rose on his pate ;
And ' Why, does guzzle now,' he cried
At this enormous rate?
'Oh, John,' said she, 'am I to blame?
I can't in conscience stop;
For sure 'twould be a burning shame,
To leave the Devil a drop.'
A Couple of Legs. — It Lad been a stormy November day,
when a commercial traveller alighted at the door of the Swan Inn.
Mr. A., the lawyer, sat on one side of the fire; the new comer, in
what was called Traveller's Chair, on the other, Mr. A's leg was
covered with a black silk stocking, the traveller's was cased in stout
leather ; when a bet was laid that the wearer of the silks would hold
his leg longer in hot water then the wearer of the leathers. The
experiment was tried in boiling water. In two minutes the stran-
ger was in agony, while the lawyer looked on with astonishing
composure — lor his was a cork leg.
Dr. Beesway, in his 'Essay on woman,' says, 'I have made
woman my study for a series of years, but I never found one who
stuttered. I meet with any number of men, every day, who s-st-
stammer, but never have I seen a woman who couldn't blow an
unbroken blast.'
A Hen's Mistake. — The Woonsocket Patriot editor males
merry over a mistake of an old Shanghae hen of his, that has been
'setting' for five weeks upon — two round stones and a piece of
brick ! ' Her anxiety,' quoth he, ' is no greater than ours, to know
what she will hatch. If it moves a brickyard— that heu is not for
sale.'
196 THE BOOK OF
An Irish Dinner. — Will you dine with me to-morrow?' said
a Hibernian to his friend. ' Faith an' I will, with all my heart.'
' Remember 'tis only a family dinner I'm asking ye to.' 'And
what for not? A family dinner is a mighty plisant thing! What
have ye got?' ' Och ! nothing by common ! Jist an illigant pace
of corued beef and potatoes." ' By the powers ! that bates the world !
Jist my own dinner to a hair — barring the beef f
DR. HERSCHEL
Dr. Herschel, the celebrated astronomer, was originally brought up
to his father's profession, that of a musician, and accompanied a Ger-
man regiment to England as one of the band, performing on tbe haut-
boy. While acting in this humble capacity, in the north of England,
a new organ was built for the parish church of Halifax, by Snetzler,
which was opened with an Oratorio by the well-known Jonah Bates.
Mr. Herschel and six other persons became candidates for the organist's
situation. A day was fixed, on which each was to perform in rotation.
When Mr. Wainwright, of Manchester, played, his finger was so rapid
that old Snetzler, the organ builder, ran about the church, exclaiming,
' He run over de key like one cat; lie will not give my pipes time to
speak.' During Mr. AVainwright's performance, Dr. Miller, the friend
of Herschel, inquired of him what chance he had of following him ? ' I
don't know,' said Herschel; 'but I am sure that fingers will not do.'
When it came to his turn, Herschel ascended the organ loft, and pro-
duced so uncommon a richness, such a volume of slow harmony, as
astonished all present, and after this extemporaneous effusion, he finish-
ed with the Old Hundredth Psalm, which he played better than his op-
ponent. ' Aye, aye,' cries Old Snetzler, ' 'tish is very good, very good
indeed ; I will luf tis man, he gives my pipes time to speak.' Herschel
being asked by what means he produced so astonishing an effect, re-
plied, ' I told you fingers would not do;' and producing two pieces of
lead from his waistcoat pocket, said, ' One of these I laid on the lowest
key of the organ, and the other I put on the octave above, and thus
by accommodating the harmony, 1 produced tbe effect of four hands
instead of two.' This superiority of skill obtained Herschel tbe situa-
tion : but he had other and higher obji cts in view, to suffer him long
to retain it.
Jerry Bryant, Esq. says there is one place in the world where
u man may always find happim ss, which is in the dictionary.
A correspondent of the Nashville Gazette, who Bigns ' Suphia,'
Bayt thai woman »a twice as jood as man, and proves it thus by
the very orthography. W-O-M-A-N — double ymt, 0, man !
FUN AND AMUSEMENT. 197
Hogg's Tales. — 'Any commands, Miss, for Watherford ?' says
I. ' Yes,' says she ; 'go to the library and bring me Hogg's Tales ;
I want them very much.' â– To the library to fetch hog's tails !' says
I ; 'that's a quare place to get them.' ' Not at all,' says she ; 'at
the English library. Where else would you get Hogg's Tales?'
'Oh! very well, Miss,' says I ; 'as it's the English library, I sup-
pose they keep all sortings there.' 'To be sure they do,' says she ;
' you won't forget.' ' Did 1 ever forget any thing you bid me ?'
says I. 'When I do,' says I, 'it'll be time enough ibr you to be
backbiting me,' says I ; ' which is a thing no young lady ought to
do to a dacent man ;' and off I went in a huff. Well, the bustle
of the town and one thing or another bothered me so, that I for-
got where she said 1 was to get the hog's tails : so 1 walked off to
the shambles, and hunted every stall in the place, but never a man
there would cut off the tail of his pig for me, because they all said
the tail was the beauty of the baste. So, whin I couldn't get the
tails, I bought two of the prettiest bacon faces you ever saw, think-
ing they'd do for Miss Car'line as well as the hog's tails! And to
be sure the laugh they riz again me, for it turned out that what she
wanted was a story-book, written by one Mister Hogg — and sure
that's a queer name for a Christian.'
TO PEOPLE ABOUT TO MAEEY.
MRS. BEAKEY'S TABLE (AND CHAIR) TALK.
The following- conversation will convey to our readers who are about
to enter on the duties of Housekeeping, a hint worth remembering': —
" Well, my love, Charles thought that as I had vowed I would never
marry into furnished lodgings, we had better wait until he had saved
money enough to furnish a house comfortably. I was sillier then than
I am now, and I thought his wanting to postpone our marriage didn't
look much like love, so I sulked. He was sillier then than he is now,
and minded a woman's sulks. He furnished a house completely from
top to bottom, from an advertising warehouse, and the whole bill came
to 29/. lis. 3|d. We married and took possession. Here is my diary
of the week, love ; I preserve it for any of my young friends who are
in a hurry to marry.
"Monday". — Charles, while shaving, rested his left band heavily on
the dressing-table. It smashed under bis hand, he cut himself severely,
and it was a mercy he didn't have his dear nose cut off. I flew to the
drawers for something to stop the bleeding, and the keys broke or the
locks wouldn't work, and we bad to open the drawers with the shovel.
The hay, with which the easy chair was stuffed, smelt so disagreeably
that we were obliged to send it out of the room, and, as Ann was car-
198 THE BOOK OF
rying it, the chair came in halves, the back and halves falling away
from the seat.
" Tuesday. — The frame of the looking-glass gave way, the glass fell
out, and smashed the beautiful little French clock dear uncle Brooks
gave us.
"Wednesday.— I had a head-ache, so Charles wheeled the sofa
near the fire for me. Doing so, two of the legs came off. He propped
it up with books, but, by-and-by, I heard a sort of frizzling; it was
the jrlue, which the fire was frying. Hastily removing the sofa, we
divided it between us Charles fell down with the end, and I got the
back on my poor toes.
"Thursday. — The dininir-rocm table suddenly parted in the middle.
The lamp fell on Charles's head (making him swear sadly), and I re-
ceived a lovely goose, and all the gravy, into the lap of my new satin
dress. That night, the screws of the bed slipped in the rotten wood 1 ,
and one side gave way. We came to the floor ; I was sadly bruised,
and Charles hurt his head, and used very strong language against the
advertising wretches.
"FRIDAY. — One of the brackets of the curtain rod broke, the cur-
tains, rings and all came on mamma's head, crushing her new bonnet.
Getting on a footstool to dust a picture, the stool broke, and I fell
against the picture, breaking the glass, and cutting my forehead. The
pole of a music desk came out of the stand, the candles fell and greased
the carpet (which was actually beginning to lose its colour already,)
and the book smashed Charles's violoncello. N.B. — Not so sorry
about this last.
"Saturday. — Moved into furnished lodgings, where we stayed
until we could afford to deal with a respectable upholsterer."
EPITAPH
ON A COMPOSITOR.
No more shall copy bad perplex my brain,
No more shall type's small face my eyeballs strain;
No more the proofs fond page create me troubles
By errors, transpositions, outs, and doubles;
No more my back shall ache from authors' whims,
At over-runnings, driving nuts, and ins,
mrly pressman' 8 frown I now may scoff,
Revis'd, corrected, finally wrought off.
\ &BA80N FOB NOT LlKING STEPFATHERS. — A little fellow
once observed, ' I do not like these new papus ; they whip the old
papa's children.'
FUN AND AMUSEMENT. 199
At the time when the beautiful picture of the ' Court of Death,'
was exhibited in Boston, says the Herald of that city, the painter
sent the late Dr. Osgood a ticket, on which was written, • Admit
the hearer to the Court of Death.' The old gentleman, having
never heard of the picture, was utterly confounded. '1 expected
to go before long,' said he, ' but 1 was nut prepared for so abrupt
a summons.'
A SNUFFY FUNERAL.
The following copy of the will of Mrs. Margaret Thompson, who
died April 2nd, 17?(i, at her house in Boyle-street, Burlington Gardens,
affords a notable specimen of the ruling passion strong- in death : —
" In the name of C4od, Amen, f , Margaret Thompson, &c., being of
sound mind, &c, do desire that when my soul is departed from this
world, my body and effects may be disposed of in the manner following:
I idso desire that all my handkerchiefs, that I may leave unwashed at
the time of my decease, after they bave been got together by my old
and trusty servant, Sarah Stuart, be put by her, and by her alone, at
the bottom of my coffin, which I desire may be made large enough for
that purpose, together with such a quantity of the best Scotch snuff,
(in which she knoweth I always had the greatest delight,) as will cover
my deceased body ; and this I desire the more especially as it is usual
to put flowers into the coffins of their departed friends, and nothing
can be so fragrant and refreshing to me as that precious powder. But
I strictly charge that no man be suffered to approach my body till the
coffin is closed, and it is necessary to carry me to my burial, which I
order in the manner following : Six men to be my bearers, who are well
known to be the greatest snuff-takers in the parish of St. James's,
Westminster ; instead of mourning, each to wear a snuff-coloured bea-
ver hat, which I desire may be bought for that purpose and given to
them. Six maidens of my old acquaintance, viz., &c, to bear my pall,
each to wear a proper hood, and to carry a box tilled with the best
Scotch snuff, to take for their refreshment as they go along. Before
my corpse I desire the minister may be invited to walk, and to take a
Certain quantity of the said snuff, not exceeding one pound; to whom
also I bequeath five guineas on condition of Ids so doing-. And I also
desire my old and faithful servant, Sarah Stuart, to walk before the
corpse, to distribute every twenty yards a large handful of Scotch snuff
to the ground, and upon the crowd who may possibly follow me to the
burial place; on which condition I bequeath her £20. And I also de-
sire that at least two bushels of the said snuff may be distributed at the
door of my house in Boyle-street."
She then proceeds to order the time of her burial, which is to be at
twelve o'clock at noon. She then particularizes her legacies, ami over
and above every legacy, she desires may be given one pound of good
Scotch snuff, which she calls the grand cordial of nature.
200
THE BOOK OF
'Julius, is you better dis morning?
4 No, I was better yesterday, but i got over it.
1 Am der no hopes den of your discovery.'
' Discovery of what 1 ?
'Your discovery from the convalesence which fetched you on
your back.'
' Dat depends, Mr. Snow, altogether on de prognostications
whicli amplify the disease; should they terminate fatally the doc-
tor thinks Julius is a gone nigger; should dey not terminate fa-
tally he hopes dis colored individual die anoder time. J said be-
fore it all depends on the prognostics, and these come so a head,
it is hard telling wedder the nigger will discontinue dis time or
not.'
SINGULAR SERMON.
In the fifth chaper of Job, verse seventh, you will find these words:
" Yet man is born to trouble, as the sparks fly upwards."
I shall divide this discourse and consider it under the three follow-
ing heads: —
1st. Man's ingress into the world.
2nd. Man's progress through tiie world.
3rd. Man's egress out of the world.
And
1st. Man's ingress into the world,
la naked and bare ;
2ndly. His progress through the world,
Is trouble and care ;
3rdly. His egress out of the world,
Is nobody knows where.
To conclude,
If we do well here, we shall do well there,
I can tell you no more, if I preach a whole year
A Profitable Tikieat.— The /W say thatadenizenofa certain
village, with whom he is acquainted, having had sanded sugar sold
to him, inserted in th c Weekly Timesthe following: ' Notice.— I
purchased of a grocer in this village a quantity of sugar, from
which 1 obtained our pound of sand. If the rascal who cheated
me will send to my address seven pounds ol good sugar (Scripture
measure of restitution), I will be satisfied 1: if not I shall expi
him.' On the following day, nine seven-pound packages of sugar
were left at his residence, from as many different dealers, each
supposing himst If the intended.
FU>' AND AMUSEMENT. 201
A YANKEE THICK.
Two Englishmen, fresh from the mother country, in travelling
through t he west on horseback, happened to puss an evening at a house
situated on the hanks of the Mississippi river, where they met with a
Yankee pedlar who had just disposed of his stock of goods, and was
ready to go to any part of the world where interest might call him.
By shrewd guesses, he soon found out every thing in relation to the
circumstances, residence, and business of his companions, and then
kindly gave a history of himself. lie no sooner announced himself as
a Yankee, than the strangers, who had often heard of th-> shrewdness
of their character, were all anxiety that he should play them a Yan-
kee trick. This he modestly declined. They insisted; and offered to
give him five dollars for a good Yankee trick. The money was taken
with the promise, either to refund it, or play a good trick ; and mor-
ning was selected as the time for an exhibition of the Yankee's skill.
Pleased with each other, they all retired to bed in the same apartment ;
and when morning came, the Yankee rose up with the first light,
gently dressed himself in the clothes of one of the strangers, took a
pair of saddle-hags to which he had no title, and quietly leaving the
liouse, was observed to go on hoard of a flat boat bound for New Or-
leans. The strangers soon after awoke, and upon getting up to dress,
heheld the sad reality of a Yankee trick. Having much money in
their saddle-hags, they ascertained which way the Yankee had gone;
and obtaining a small skiff, set out after him. The skiff was light;
and moving rapidly, an hour or two brought it alongside of the flat
hoat, where sat the Yankee perfectly composed, in quiet possession of
their clothes and saddle bags. With much apparent pleasure he arose,
inquired after their healths, and asked how they were pleased with the
trick. The idea that they then had of the Yankee is left to the ima-
gination of the reader. However, he soon delivered their saddle-hags,
which had not been opened, and exchanged clothes. The strangers,
having deposited their saddle-hags in the skill', very mucli dissatisfied,
were about to leave, when the Yankee insisted upon their taking a
parting glass together; and, while drinking, lie stepped back, jumped
into the skiff, and pushed off. Amid the execrations of the crew, he
plied his paddle, and the skiff darted away from the flat hoat. Going
up stream, pursuit with the fiat boat was" useless. He was observed
to land on the Arkansas shore, where there is little doubt he speedily
doubled the money thus obtained.
A Strong Prescription. — An alderman once called on Dr.
Francis, when the following dialogue took place : — ' Doctor, I have
a strong tendency to gout; what shall I do to arrest it?' 'Take
a bucket of water and a ton oi' anthracite, three times a week.' —
'How?'— 'Drink the former, and cany the latter up three pair of
stairs.'
202 THE BOOK OP
'My brethren,' said Swift in a sermon, 'there are three sorts of
pride — of birth, of riches, and of talents. I shall not now speak of
the latter, none of you being liable to that abominable vice.'
The Evil Eye.— A well-known maiden lady, in the Tenessee
listrict, returning home one evening from a ball, accidentally drop-
ped one of her eyes, which was a false one. The next morning
the town-crier was heard, ' in full cry,' and the goodly citizens were
thus highly edified : 'Oh, yes! oh, yes! lost, stole, or strayed, a
high ! a high ! Whosumhever nose any thing about it, please to
bring it ear, &c. Ring de ding, Ring de ding.''
Dining with the President.— Colonel Crockett gives the fol-
lowing account of bis dining with the President : — " Well, I walked
all round the long table, looking for something that I liked. At
last I took my seat just beside a fat goose, and I helped myself to
as much of it as I wanted. But I hadn't took three bites, when I
looked away, up the table, at a man they called Task (attache.)
He was talking French to a woman on t'other side of the table.
He dodged his head, and she dodged hers, and then they got to
drinking wine across the table. But when I looked back again,
my plate was gone, goose and all. So I jist cast my eyes down
to t'other end of the table, and sure enough, I seed a white man
walking off with my plate. I says, ' Hello, Mister, bring back my
plate.' He fetched it back in a hurry, as you may think ; and
when he set it down before me, how do you think it was? Licked
as clean as my hand. If it wasn't I wish I may be shot. Says
he, 'What will you have, sir ?' And says I, 'You may well say
that, after stealing my goose.' And he began to laugh. 'Then,
says I, 'Mister, laugh if you please; but 1 don't half like such
tricks upon travellers.' I then filled my plate with bacon and greens;
and whenever I looked up or down the table, 1 held on to my plate
with my left hand. When we were all done eating, they cleared
every tiling off the table, and took away the table-cloth. And what
do you think? There was another cloth under it. If there wasn't
I wish I may be shot. Then 1 saw a man coming along, carrying
a great ;_;lass thing, with a glass handle below, something like a
cat) dies tick. It was stuck full of little glass cups, with something
in them that looked good to eat. Says I, 'Mister, bring that thing
here!' Thinks I, let's taste them first. They were everlasting
sweet, and mighty good) so I look a dozen of cm. If I didn't, 1
wish I may be shot.'
FUN AND AMUSEMENT. 203
A Lucky Epigram.— Mr. James Smith, one of the authors of
Rejected Addresses, was once well paid lor a trifling execution of
his muse ; for having met at a dinner- party the late Mr. Strahan,
the king's printer, then suffering from gout and old age, though
his faculties remained unimpaired, he sent him next morning the
following jeu d' esprit : —
Your lower limbs seemed far from stout
When last I saw you walk ;
The cause I presently found out
When you began to talk.
The power that props the body's length,
In due proportion spread,
In you mounts upwards, and the strength
All settles in the head.
Mr. Strahan was so much gratified by the compliment, that he
made an immediate codicil to his will, by which he bequeathed to
the writer the sum of three thousand pounds.
The Gtlliet Mr. Smith. — ' What a quiet man your husband is,
Mrs. Smith!' — 'Quiet! a snail is an express train to him! If the
top of this house should blow off, he'd just sit still and spread his
umbrella. He's a regular pussy-cat ; comes into the front door as
though the entry was paved with eggs, and sits down in his chair
as if there was a uest of kittens under the cushion. He'll be the
death of me yet. 1 read him all the horrid accidents, dreadful
collisions, murders, and explosions, and he takes it just as easy as
if I was saying the ten commandments. He is never astonished,
or startled, or delighted. If a cannon hall should come through
that window, he wouldn't move an eyelash. If I should make the
voyage of the world, and return some fine day, he'd take off his
spectacles, put them in the case, fold up the newspaper, and settle
his dickey, before he'd he ready to say, ' Good morning, Mrs.
Smith.' If he'd been born of a poppy he couldn't be more sopo-
rific. I wonder if all the Smiths are like him. When Adam got
tired of naming his numerous descendants, he said, 'Let all the
rest be called Smith !' Well, I don't care for that, but he ought to
have known better than to call my husband Abel Smith. Do you
suppose, if I were a man, I would let a woman support me ? Where
do you think Abel's coats and cravats and canes and cigars come
from ? Out of my brain ! ' Quiet !' — it's perfectly refreshing to me
to hear of a comet, or see a locomotive, or look at a streak of chain
lightning ! I tell you be is the expressed essence of chloroform ''
SOi THE 1SOOK OF
i Gvardt&an's Compliment.— Mrs. Flowerdale bad been a
pn ii \ gin, and was h pretty woman still, when, altera long absence
Captain Sparkler of the Guards called upon her. 'What an age
since we met !' she exclaimed as he entered. 'Twelve years,' re-
plied the gallant soldier, 'by the almanac, but only yesterday by
your looks!' The lady was more convinced than ever 'that none
but the brave deserve the fair.'
A Stock Sermon. — A young man on the eve of going out to
Australia heard his father preach a sermon from the text, 'Adam,
where art thou ?' On his return after a long absence, he went on
the first Sunday, as was but proper, to his father's church, when
the old gentleman read out the same text,' Adam, where art thou ?
'Mother,' said the son, who was somewhat of a wag, 'Has my la-
ther not found Adam yet ?'
Ice.— Iu some hot countries, to which ice is sent, it is consider-
ed as a great luxury. An African journal relates, that a gentle-
man who had purchased some lumps of it, sent it to his cook, with
orders to have it sent up for dinner. The cook was at a loss what
to do with it ; but as he had a pot of boiling water over the fire,
he dropped the ice into it. At the dinner-table, the master said,
when the dessert was ready : ' Fiw fetch on the ice.' ' All gone,
massa.' 'Gone! where is it gMie to ?' ' Why, massa, me put it
in the pot to boil, and when me look for it, it wasn't there !' The
poor fellow had a bottle thrown at his head for his bluuder.
The amusing performances of some of the lucky ' Australian dig-
gers, 1 who never possessed property before, is scarcely credible.
The best story we have heard is of a digger who came down with
£700, and paid a man 8s. a day as his companion to help him to
spend it.
If a woman don't want her hair to fall out, she should be care-
ful and not ' fall out' with her husband, the more especially if he
wears red hair, ami keeps possession "fa sanguinary temperament
A minister at a camp meeting said,' If the lady with the blue
hat, red hair, ami cross eves, don't stop talking, she will be point-
ed out to the congregation.'
fctJN AND AMUSEMENT. 205
VAT YOU PLEASE.
Two Frenchmen once to England's isle came over,
Half etarv'd, but ton jours gai,
(No weasels e'er were thinner)
Trug'd up to town from Dover,
Their slender store exhausted on the way,
Extremely puzzled how to get a dinner '.
'Twas morn, and from each ruddy chimney top
The dun smoke-wreaths were slowly curling 1 !
Each house-maid, cherry-cheek'd, her snow white-mop
Before the door was gaily twirling.
From morn till noon, from noon till dewy eve,
Our Frenchmen wander'd on their expedition;
Great w;is their need, but sorely did they grieve,
Stomach and pocket in the same condition.
At length, by mutual consent they parted
And different ways on the same errand started.
This happened on a day .nost dear
To epicures, when gen'rai use
Sanctions the roasting of the savoury goose! —
Towards night, one Frenchman, at a tavern near,
Stopp'd, and beheld the glorious cheer:
While greedily he snuff d the luscious gale in,
That from the kitchen windows was exhaling,
He instant set to work his busy brain,
And sniff d and long'd, and long'd and sniff' d again,
Necessity's the mother of invention
(A proverb I've heard many mention) ;
So now, one moment saw his plan completed,
And our sly Frenchman at a table seated.
The ready waiter at his elbow stands —
'Sir, will you favour me with your commands?
We've roast and boil'd, sir, choose you those or these?*
' Sare ! you're very good, sare ' — Vat you please !'
Quick at the word,
Upon the table smokes the wish'd-for bird !
No time in talking did he waste,
But pounced peii-meli upon it;
Drumstick and merry-thought he pick'd in haste,
Exulting - in the * merry thought' that won it !
Pie follows goose, and after pie comes cheese : —
' Stilton, or Cheshire, sir'.'' — ' Ah, vat you please!'
And now our Frenchman, having ta'en his till,
Prepar'd to go, when — ' Sir, your little bill !'
206 THE BOOK OF
'Ah, vat you're Bill*, veil, Mr. Bill, good day!
Bon jour, good Villiam !' — 'No sir, stay;
My name is Tom, sir, you've this bill to pay.'
' Pay ! — Pay ? — mafoi I
I call for nothing-, sure — pardonnez moil
You bring me vat you call your goose, your cheese,
You ask-a me to eat — I tell you, Vat you please!*
Down came the master, each explained the case,
The one with cursing, the other with grimace;
But Boniface, who dearly loved a jest,
(Altho' sometimes he dearly paid for it,
And finding nothing could be done you know,
For when a man has got no money,
To make him pay some would be rather funny !)
Of a bad bargain made the best,
Acknowledg'd much was to be said for it ;
Took pity on the Frenchman's meagre face,
And, Briton-like, forgave a fallen foe,
Laughed heartily, and let him go!
Our Frenchman's hunger thus subdued,
Away he trotted in a merry mood ;
When, turning round the corner of a street,
Who but his countryman he chanc'd to meet!
To him, with many a shrug and many a grin,
lie told how he had taken Jean Bull in !
Fired with the tale, the other licks his chops,
Makes his congee, and seeks this shop of shops.
Ent'ring, he seats himself just at his ease —
' What will you take, sir I — ' Vat you please!'
The waiter looked as pale as Paris plaster,
And, up stairs running, thus address'd his master: —
' These French Mounseers came over, sure, in pairs:
Sir, there's another 'Vat you please' down stairs!'
This made the landlord rather crusty,
Too much of one thing — the proverb's something musty
Once to be 'done,' his anger didn't touch,
But when a second time they tried the treason,
It mode him 'crusty,' sir, and with good n ason : —
You would be ' crusty,' were you 'done' so much.
There is a kind of instrument
Which greatly helps a serious argument,
And which, when properly applied, occasions
Some most unpleasant tickling sensations !
PUN AND AMUSEMENT. 207
'Twould make more clumsy folks than Frenchmen skip,
'Twould strike you presently — a stout horse whip !
This instrument our maitre d'hote
Most carefully conceal'd beneath his coat —
And, seeking instantly the Frenchman's station,
Address'd him with the usual salutation.
Our Frenchman, bowing to his threadbare knees,
(Determin'd whilst the iron's hot to strike it) ;
Quick with his lesson answers — 'Vat you please!'
But scarcely had he let the sentence slip,
Than round his shoulders twines the pliant whip!
' Sare, sare ! ah, misericorde ! parbleau!
Curse you, Monsieur! vat makes you use me so?
Vat call you dis V — 'Lord, don't you know?
That's ' what I please,' (says Bonny) — how d ye like it? —
Your friend, although I paid so dearly for his funning,
Deserv'd the goose he gain'd, sir, for his cunning;
But you, Monsieur, or else my time I'm wasting,
Are goose enough yourself— and only want a basting !'
Sam Slick's Illustration of Courting.— Courtin' a gal, I
guess, is like catching a young horse in the pasture. You put
the oats in a pan, hide the halter, and soft-sawder the critter ; and
it comes up softly and shily at first, and puts its nose to the grain,
and gets a taste, stands oS'and munches a little, looks round to
see that the coast is clear, and advances cautious again, ready for
a go, if you are rough. Well you soft-sawder it all the time : so
— so, pet, pet! that's a pretty doll, and it gets to a kind a like it,
and comes closer, and you think you have it, make a grab at its
mane, and it tips head and tail, snorts, wheels short round, lets
go both hind feet at you, and off like a shot. That comes of being
in a hurry. Now if you put your hand up slowly towards its
shoulder, and felt along the neck for the mane, it might perhaps
have drawed away, as much as to say, ' Hands off, if you please ;
1 like your oats, hut I don't want you !' the chance is you would
hue caught it. Well, what's your play now you have missed it ?
Why you don't give chase, for that only scares a critter; but you
stand still, shake the oats in the pan, and say, ' Cope, cope, cope!'
and it stops, looks at you, and comes up again, awful skittish,
stretches its neck out ever' so far, steals a few grains, and then
keeps a respectful distance. Now what do you do, then ? Why,
shake the pan and move slowly, as if you were going to leave the
pasture, and make for home ; when it repents of bein' so distrust
Jul, comes up, and you slips the halter on.
203 1HE BOOK OF
THE DEAD ALIVE.
Some hypochondriacs have fancied themselves miserably afflicted,
some in one way, and some in another. Some have insisted that they
were teapots, and some that they were town clocks ; one that he was
extremely ill, and another that he was actiuilly dying 1 . But perhaps
none of this blue devil class ever matched in extravagance a patient
of the late Dr. Stevenson of Baltimore.
This hypochondriac, after ringing the change of every mad conceit
that ever tormented a crazy brain, would have it at last that he was
dead, actually dead. Dr. Stevenson having been sent for one morn-
ing in great haste, by the wife of his patient, hastened to his bedside,
where he found him stretched out at full length, his hands across hie
breast, his toes in contact, iris eyes and mouth closely shut, and his
looks cadaverous.
'Well, Sir, how do you do? how do you do this morning?' asked
Dr. Stevenson in a jocular way, approaching the bed. ' How do 1 do !'
replied the hypochondriac faintly; 'a pretty question to ask a dead
man.' ' Dead !' replied the Doctor. 'Yes, sir, dead, quite dead. I
died last night about twelve o'clock.'
Dr. Stevenson putting his hand gently on the forehead of the hypo-
chondriac, as if to ascertain whether it was cold, and also feeling his
pulse, exclaimed in a doleful note, 'Yes, the poor man is dead enough ;
'tis all over with him, and now the sooner he can be buried the better.'
Then stepping up to his wife, and whispering to her not to be frighten-
ed at the measures he was about to take, he called to the servant:
'My boy, your poor master is dead; and the sooner he can be put in
the ground the better. Run to C — m, for I know he always keeps
New England coffins by him ready made; and, do you hear, bring a
coffin of the largest size, for your master makes a stout corpse, and
having died last night, and the weather being warm, lie will not keep
long.'
..way went the servant, and soon returned with a proper coffin.
The wife and family having got their lesson from the Doctor, gathered
around him, and howled not a little, while they were putting him in
his coffin. Presently the pall-bearers, who were quickly provided and
let into the secret, started with the hypochondriac for the churchyard.
They had nol pone for before they met one of the town a people, who
having been properly drilled by Dr. Stevenson, cried out, 'Ah, doctor,
what poor soul have you got there ."
' I'oor Mr. B — ,' sighed the doctor, 'left us last night.'
'Great pity he had not left us twenty years ago,' replied the other;
' he was ;i bad man.'
Presently another of the townsmen mel them with the same q
tion, 'And what poor soul have you got there, doctor?'
• l' ■Mr. H — ,' answered the doctor again, 'is dead.'
' \h, indeed!' said the other, 'and he is gone to meet his i'e-r i-ti it
last-'
1UN AND AMUSEMENT. 209
'Ob, villain !' exclaimed the man in the coffin.
Soon after this, while the pall-bearers were resting themselves near
the church-yard, another stepped up with the old question again,
• What poor soul have you got there, doctor?'
' Poor Mr. 13 — ,' lie replied, 'be is gone.'
' Yes, and to the bottomless pit,' said the other ; ' for if he is not
{rone there, I see not what use there is for such a place.' Here the
dead man bursting- off the lid of his coffin, which had been purposely
left loose, leaped out, exclaiming 1 , '0 you villain! I am gone to the
bottomless pit, am I? Well I have come back again, to pay such un-
grateful rascals as you are !' A chase immediately commenced by the
dead man after the living, to the petrifying - consternation of many of
the spectators, at the sight of the corpse, in all the honours of the
winding sheet, running- through the streets. After having- exercised
bimself into a copious perspiration by the fantastic race, the hypochon-
driac was brought home by Dr. Stevenson ; freed from all his com-
plaints ; and by strengthening- food, generous wine, cheerful company,
and moderate exercise, was soon restored to perfect health.
MAKING A SHIFT.
A Mrs. Kelly, of Saffron hill, London, lately gave her female servant
in custody to a police officer, who took her before a magistrate, on a
charge of having stolen a sheet off the bed on which she lay, and of
having made it into a shift for herself. The magistrate asked the pri-
soner what she had to say to the charge against her, who answered as
follows : — ' Yesterday morning my mistress says to me, Sally, go and
bring down one of the sheets off your bed to be washed, and make a
shift with the other ; I says, thank you ma'am, and went up and
brought one sheet to the washer-woman, and being much distressed for
a shift, I sat up all night and made myself a shift of the other sheet.
In the morning, my mistress says to me again, Sally, bring down your
other sheet to be washed. I told her I had made it into a shift, as she
desired me, on which she got into such a passion that she called me a
thief, and sent for an officer, and had me brought before your worship.'
The manner of her telling the story, and mistaking her mistress's
order, whether intended or accidental, caused much mirth. — The wor-
thy magistrate advised the prosecutrix to try to settle it with the pri-
soner, to which she consented, and the prisoner was discharged. The
parties afterwards retired home together good friends.
EPIGRAM.
Whether tall men or short men are best
Or bold men, or modest, and shy men,
I can't say, but I this can protest,
All the fair are in favour of lly-men.
N
210 THE BOOK OF
THE WORLD'S A TUNE.
There was a bard in a former age
Compared the world to a player's stage,
And most folks think he hit it ;
But I believe, and I may be right,
The world's a tune that we sing at sight,
We learn it — to forget it.
We all are notes in a different key,
Some flats , some sharps, some naturals be,
Some quicker, and some slower!
Like Handel's, some are full of grace —
Like Pleydel'S, some are thorough bass —
Some higher, and some lower.
In life's short tune what airs we find,
Bold, cheerful, gloomy, dull, refin'd,
In full symphoniale ;
Our time is quick, and soon we close,
We beat away without a pause,
Till death sings the finale.
The world, I own, has ties most sweet,
Yet many a bar and slur we meet,
Though very much we fear them ;
Some men can nought but discords trill,
With some the world sings counter still,
Nor gives one note to cheer them.
The pitch-fork tunes the farmer's voice,
The sack-but is the miller's choice ;
And all men's the viola ;
The maiden plays the flageolet,
While married folks sing a duett,
And bachelors a solo.
Blackburn Dick.— A pour idiot well known by the name of
Blackburn Dick, was walking at his usual slow pace through
Blackburn streets, when he had the good fortune to pick up a shil-
ling. A man who was close in the rear, and observing poor Dicks
prize, tapped bim on the shoulder, at the same time demanding
the shilling, saying that he bad just lost it. Dick turned round
wiili a presence of mind Beldom equalled by those possessing their
intellectual faculties, and asked, l JJez thoineahoil through?'—
'Yes,' said the man. — ' Then,' says Dick, 'this it nin o' ihoine;
for ii hezn't « hail in.'
FUN AND AMUSEMENT. 211
THE DANGER OF MUSICAL TITLES.
A Lady of f;isliion (the well-known Marchioness of Finsbury) had
been loitering for nearly an hour in a fashionable music-shop. She
had purchased a copy of nearly every piece of music that had a senti-
mental t i tie- She had sent out to her carriage a whole Canterbury
full of Love* — going through every mood of the feeling, past, present,
or future — and was following their example, when she paused upon
the step, as if meditating whether she should take it or some other
step that was evidently turning itself over in her mind. The shopman,
who had been somewhat moved by the tender tone of voice in which
she had asked him, 'Wilt thou love me then as now?' watched her
with an anxiety that betrayed itself too plainly in the adjustment of
his shirt collar and the arrangement of his hair. Suddenly the mar-
chioness seemed resolved. As with one bound she cleared the pave-
ment, and breathless, pale, her auburn ringlets fluttering in the wind,
stood once more before the admiring shopman.
'I had nearly forgotten,' she said, in a voice that seemed to veil her
blushing words ; 'dear! dear! 1 cannot tell where my head is to-day !
I have come back to ask you if by chance' — here she paused, as if to
take new courage, whilst the trembling shopman posted his two thumbs
elegantly on the mahogany counter, and leant his body inquiringly
forward — 'to ask you to be kind enough to give me 'one kiss before
parting V
' M-a-a-a-a-d-a-m !' exclaimed the astonished shopman.
'I want you,' repeated the marchioness, 'to let me have one kiss
before parting — one will do, if you please.'
She raised her beautiful blue eyes full upon his, and met them boldly
and unblushingly. She then, without betraying any emotion, repeated
her question, adding, as calmly as possible : ' If you cannot give it me
now, I will call some other time.'
He could doubt no longer ! Springing over the counter, he seized
hold of the marchioness's fair form, and then and there gave the kiss
she so earnestly begged for previous to departure. To his great as-
tonishment, the only return the marchioness gave was to give him a
box on the ears. This was followed by a volley of blows dealt by her
parasol over his head, which was accompanied with an equal number
of shrieks, that never terminated till the police came into the shop.
The affair was carried to Bow Street, but was soon dismissed, upon
its being explained that 'One kiss before parting,' was the name of a
song, which the unsophisticated shopman, blissfully green from his
native fields, had never heard of before. It was a favourite joke with
the Old Duke to ask the marchioness, whenever she was at the piano,
if she would mind giving him just ' One kiss before parting.'
Bother. — The word Bother was first used by a Serjeant, who,
being exposed to the volubility of two Irishmen, one at each ear,
cried, ' Don't both car me !' Hence the word to bother.
212 THE BOOK OF
T' PARSON AH" POSMT;
BEIN AN OWD TALE MENDAD ABIT.
Yol understand, at thear wor a parson wunce whent throo hoame,
fi sum Taan or anuther, abaght three mile off where he liv'd ; but hav
Bich an a bad memory, av quite fogattan t'name at spot nali ; but am-
sumivver, before he set oif, he heard hiz wife say ta wun at sarvant
lassas, at shoo wantad a two gallan iran posnit, varry badly, so when
id gottan to hiz jurney-end, an wor e waukin daan wun at streets, he
saw a chap peark't on a raand table, sellin a lot a posnits be auction ,
an when he gat up to him, thear wor an owd womman just biddin
eighteenpence for wun, the vary size he wanted, so they nodad an
bidad wun agean't tuther, for noabdy naws hah long, till at last t owd
womman gav in, an daan it wor knock't tut Parson, for two and tup-
pence. After payin for it, he samd houd at steil, an away he whent,
carryin it furst e wun hand, and then it tuther, for it wor a rare weight,
yo mind.
After waukin abaght a mile a that fasbans, hiz shoolders aikt ta that
degree, he cuddant bide ardly, so he off we hiz hat, an carrid t'posnit
at top of his head, hollow side daanads ; an away he cut across t'cloises,
az foaks muddant see him, for they made sa much gam ; but he hed-
dant goan far, befoar he cum at a wideish dyke, an thear bein no way
but ta jump it, he tacks a good long start, an ovver he flew like a steg,
an leeting at tuther side, he whent sos agean, an biz head beng intat
posnit. Thear he tried ta get it off agean, but, not soa, for it wor az
fast az if it bed grown thear. An hall ta get hoame he diddant naw ;
but, amsumivver, off he started, an groapt az weel az he cud ; but he
heddent goan menny yards, befoar he gat t'posnit steil fast in a gate ; —
thear he wor, potterin abaght, an sweatin like a brock, for a full clock
liaar, tryin ta extricate hizsen. Haiiivver az luck ad hav it, oa sud
cum bye but Bobby Brushwood, an nawin t' Parson bitshap of his [e -,
sed, " Mestur, wotivver ar yo doin here a this fashans ?" " Ha ! iz that
yo, Bobby?" call'd aght tf Parson, "am glad summadiz cum — whereiv-
ver am e? wot an a misfortan this is." " Wha, mestur," sigh'd Bob-
by, " oaze dun it? caant yo get t'posnit off?'' "Noa, Bobby, my lad,
it's fast enif, an am affread it al nivver be gottan oil' na more ; tak owd
a me hand, an lead ma hoam." " Hey, an welcum," sed Bobby, " but
it's a varry bad job, mestur, cos yol not be able ta preich ta uz na more
we this a yer head." Parson sed nowt ta this, but gav a sort ov a
an. An when they gat tut Taangate, bairns cum runnin e all de-
l'< ikshans, ta see wot wor amiss ; sum sed, " Bitha, sitha, Hobby's get-
tan a yung Elefant ;" uthers call'd aght, "nay, it, izant, heeze catoh't
padfboit." But when tiny gat hoam, worrant thear a bonny to do, all
t'docktera raand abaght, boath fur an near, wor sent for, but they cud-
dant do na good, aivver a wun on em, for they Borew'd an pull'd, an
t'l'arson bawkt aght, but it wor all ta no use, — thay cuddant jret t'pos-
nit oil at noa price. At last, Billy said, "stop ah naw hah it's ta be
dun nab ; let's goa tut smithy ;" so away thay whont, reddy enif, es-
FUN AND AMUSEMENT. 213
peeially t'parson, an when tltey gat intat shop, Bobby Bed, " nab, mes-
tur, lig yer head upat stithey ;" so he did az he wor tell'd that minit,
an't Blacksmith tuck wun at bigist hammers he hed it place, an we a
swing-stroke, brack t'posnit inta a thaazand pieces. My wurd, but
diddant Parson look rare an wackan when he saw dayleet ; an hoam
he cut at a dog-trot, lioudiu boath hiz ears, pleaz'd enif; an Bobby
after him, wit posnit steil in hiz hand, which he hez ta this day, hung
up e thare hause, for antickety's sake, an e memory at event.
'A Dead Sell.'— An amusing story is tokl of a young Parisian
artist, who lately painted a portrait of a duchess, with which her
friends were not satisfied— declaring that it was totally unlike.
The painter, however was convinced that he had succeeded admir-
ably, and proposed that the question of resemblance or no resem-
blance be left to a little dog belonging to the duchess, which was
agreed to. Accordingly, the picture was sent to the hotel of the
lady next day, and a large party assembled to witness the test.
The dog was called in, and no sooner did he see the portrait than
he sprang upon it, licked it all over, and showed every demonstra-
tion of the greatest joy. The triumph of the painter was complete,
and all present insisted that the picture had been re-touched du-
ring the night ; which was actually so— the painter having rubbed
it over with a thin coating of lard ! The clog's nose was sharper
than the critic's eyes.
A Love Scene.— Overheard and phonographically reported by
Phrederick Phinephivn.— 'Pharest of the phair,' sighed the lover,
'phancy my pheelings, when I phorsee the phearful consequences
of our phleeing phrom your phather's phamily. Phew phellows
could have phaced the music with as much phortitute as I have ;
and, as phickle phortune phails to smile on our loves, 1 phind I
must phorego the pleasure of becoming your husband. Pharest
Phrances, p'harewell phor ever.' ' Hold, Phranklin, hold !' screamed
Phrances, 'I will phollow you phor ever.' But Phranklin had
phled and Phrances phainted.
A young physician asking permission of a lass to kiss her, she
replied: 'No, sir; I never like a doctor's bill stuck in my face.'
Derivation of Bus.— Tokiss. Rebus— To kiss again. Blun-
dei'bus — To kiss an old woman. Silly-bus— Two girls kissing each
other. Omni-bus — To kiss all in a room.
214 THE BOOK OP
WITTICISMS, &c.
A Doctor's Reason. — A practitioner being asked by his patient
why he put so many ingredients into his prescriptions, is said to
have answered, more facetiously than philosophically, • iu order
that the disease may take which it likes best.'
Can such thincs be ? — It is said that a 'fast' young gentle-
man heats his shaving water every morning with the fire of his
own genius.
'Jane what letter in the alphabet do you like best?' 'Well T
dont like to say, Mr. Snobbs.' ' Pooh, nonsense ; Tell right out
Jane; which do you like best?' 'Well (blushing and dropping
her eyes), 1 like U best.'
A lawyer,' said Lord Brougham, (in a facetious mood) ' is a learn-
ed gentle man who rescues your estate from your enemies, aud keeps
it himself.
A Good Workman Wanted. — He must be able to 'rivet the
attention,' must understand how to join 'a broken rest,' be able to
* sharpen the understanding ;' and to bring rambling arguments
' to the point.' Any ' old file' having a few ' wise saws' will prob-
ably suit. Persons bad at ' vice' need not apply.
Rabbito in Paris. — A gentleman, relating the incidents of
his travels while in Paris, says: — ' I entered a restaurant on the
other side of the Seine, and ordered a rabbit I was green — ver-
dant as the first cucumber, even as early peas— or 1 should n< >t
have done this. The rabbit came, and i offered the Monitevr to
an old Frenchman opposite, whose eyes were fixed upon my plate,
but he bowed a negative. The bow puzzled me. it was too much.
' Monsieur has not been long in Paris.?' ' No, 1 have just arri-
ved.' 'Monsieur is going to eat that? 1 'Yes; may I offer you
a .^lice?' 'Monsieur will allow me to make a small observation.?'
inquired the Frenchman, with a frightful grimace. 'Certainly,'
I replied, hi coming alarmed. 'Monsieur, that rabbit once mew-
ed,' he replied, with the utmost gravity.'
A Dangerous Experiment. — Why is a man ascending Vesu-
vius like an Irish tan trying to kiss a pretty girl? Because he
wauls in .j (; t ;ii the crater's mouth.
FUN AND AMUSEMENT. 215
Captain Scott, in his Recollections of a Naval Life, relates
the following instance of daring courage on the part of a private
marine on board the Blanche, in the action in which that ship
captured La Gueriere: — "A remarkably handsome young marine,
whose enthusiastic ardour led him to mount the main rigging,
that he might fire with more destructive effect on the enemy's deck,
excited the admiration of his shipmates by his gallant bearing.
He maintained his exposed station, keeping up a constant fire
amid a shower of round and grape shot, slapping his seat of honour
in derision of his enemies every time he discharged his musket,
till an eighteen pound shot carried away the fleshy part of both
thighs and the lower part of the abdomen; the brave fellow was
then assisted down by two blue jackets, exclaiming, as he reached
the deck, that he had at least given them forty shots for their one.
He survived this afflicting wound several days, and died with the
same devoted feelings that had distinguished his conduct on the
day of action.: he was universally regretted on board.''
Admiral Duncan. — Admiral Duncan's address to the officers
who came on board his ship for instructions previous to the engage-
ment with Admiral de Winter, was both laconic and humorous:
' Gentleman, you see a severe winter approaching ; 1 have only to
advise you to keep up a good fire.'
Old Cock was known as a miser, and had amassed a large for-
tune.
On his death-bed, when the last gasp was approaching a tallow
candle was burning upon the stand, and a flickering ilame in the
li re-place. He watched the candle and then the fire. Suddenly
he called his son —
' Woodbury, come here.'
The son approached his bedside, when the old man whispered.
' Woodbury, blow out that candle ; tallow's most as dear as
butter.'
Extensively Laid Out. — A plain old father had a son much
given to the vanities of the toilet, and in coming home in a new
fashion great coat, with something less than a score of capes, was
asked what kind of thatching he had got on his shoulders.
' Capes — only capes, father.'
' So, so,' said the old man, passing his hands over them ; ' Cape
Hatteras, Cape Henlopen, I suppose, and here,' clapping his
hand on his head, ' is the Light-house.'
216 THE BOOK OF
' I Lave very little respect for the ties of this world,' as the chap
said when the rope was put around his neck.
Somebody stole a water-melon from a patch in Fitchburg the
other night, and left a pocket book on the ground containing- five
hundred dollars. The proprietor of the patch advertises that he
has a few more melons left !
A Wise Saw. — A sawyer, after sawing with a very blunt saw,
exclaimed ; ' Of all the saws I ever saw saw, I never saw a saw
saw as that saw saws.'
'First class in sacred music, stand up. How many kinds of
metre are there ?' — ' Three, sir — long metre, short metre, and meet
her by moonlight alone !'
CROSS READINGS.
The case of Howard and Gibbs came on — richly ornamented in
bronze and or-molu.
Obstructions in the viscera removed by — Ramo Samee swallowing a
sword sixteen inches long 1 .
Excessive vomiting- was quickly produced by — the Time's paper du-
ring- the late queen's trial.
Murder. — On Friday, the trial came on of — Cain, a mystery, by
Lord Byron.
Mr. Waithman then addressed the common-hall— opium fell consid-
erably last week.
During this awful ceremony — II Diavolo Antonio exhibited on the
corde volante.
The bull and cross of St. Paul's have been often quoted as -a com-
fortable retreat for ladies during their confinement.
Wanted, by a footman out of place — six thousand pounds, by way
of annuity.
The judge, then, thus addressed the prisoner — ' Extinguish the Gas,
give it him, Neate, go'it, my boy.'
The witness, a watchman, said he had been emptying — Lady
Morgan's notorious work called Italy.
Another melancholy instance of hydrophobia occurred in — the ad-
dress of thanks voted to Alderman AVood, from little Britain.
When the balloon had attained a considerable height — the prisoner
disposed of the .silk and absconded.
Married, on Saturday last, Miss Anq Jones — she was strongly re-
commended to mercy.
Mr Jackson handed 400 sovereigns to Neate— who appeared per-
fectly resigned to his i'ule.
FUN AND AMUSEMENT. 217
The most tender-hearted man we ever saw was a shoemaker,
who always shut his eyes and whistled when he ran his awl into a
shoe.
How to Make Love. — If you cannot inspire a woman with
love of you, fill her above the brim with love of herself. All that
runs over will be yours.
4 Dear me !' exclaimed Mrs. Partington, sorrowfully, ' how much
a man will bear, and how far he will go, to get this soddered dross,
as Parson Martin called it, when he refused the beggar a sixpence
for fear it might lead him into extravagance ! everybody is going
to California and Chagrin arter gold. Cousin Jones and the three
Smiths have gone ; and Mr. Chip the carpenter has left his wife,
and seven children, and a blessed old mother-in-law, to seek his
fortin too. Tins is the strangest yet, and I don't see how he could
have done it ; it looks so ongrateful to treat heaven's blessings so
lightly. But there, we are told that the love of money is the root
of all evil, and how true it is, for they are now rooting arter it like
pigs arter ground nuts! Why, it is a perfect moneymania among
everybody!' and she shook her head doubtingly as she pensively
watched a small mug of cider with an apple in it simmering by
the winter fire ; she was somewhat fond of drink made in this way.
If a ship is of the feminine gender, why are not fighting vessels
called women-of-war instead of men of war ? — Answer that, will
you?
' What is the meaning of syntax, mother ?' inquired a little girl.
— ' It is a tax on sin, and this is the only thiug that is not taxed
now-a days !' was the reply.
A gentleman who has a warm side for a young lady, was making
fun of a sack which she wore. ' You had better be quiet, or I'll
give you the sack,' replied the lady archly. ' I should be most hap-
py,' was the gallant's response, ' if you would give it to me as it is,
with yourself inside of it !'
A little lawyer appearing as evidence in one of the courts, was
asked by a gigantic counsellor, what profession he was of; and
having replied that he was an attorney, ' You a lawyer (said Brief)
why 1 could put you in my pocket.' ' Very likely, you may, (re-
joined the other) and if you do, you will have more law in your
pocket than in your head.'
218 THE BOOK OF
Crowle, the Punster.— Once on a circuit with Page, a person
asked him if the Judge was just behind : he replied, ' I don't know,
but I am sure he was never just before.' Of this wag Lord Oxford
also tells the following anecdote — that on being reprimanded ou
his knees by the Speaker of the Common's House, as he rose from
the ground he wiped his knees and said, • It was the dirtiest house
he had ever been in.
Two gentlemen standing together as a young lady passed them,
one of them said, ' there goes the handsomest woman I ever saw !'
she hearing, turned back, and observing him to be very ugly, ans-
wered, ' I wish, sir, I could in return say as much of you.' ' So
you may, madam, (says he) and lie as I did.'
Full Measure. — A Quaker alighting from the Bristol VV. S.
Coach, on entering the Inn, called for some Beer and observing
the pint to be deficient in quantity thus addressed the Landlord .
'Pray, friend, how many Butts of Beer dost thou draw in a month?'
' Ten, sir,' replied Boniface, ' and thou vvouldst like to draw eleven,'
rejoined Ebenezer, ' certainly,' exclaimed the smiling landlord,
'then I will tell thee how, friend,' added the Quaker, 'Fill thy
Measures !'
Fontenem.e lived to be nearly one hundred years old. A lady
of nearly equal age, said to him one day, in a large company,
' Monsieur, you and I stay here so long, that I have a notion death
has forgotten ns !' ' Speak as softly as you can, Madam,' replied
Fontenelle, ' lest you should remind him of us.'
A countryman, very much marked with the small-pox, applied
to a magistrate for redress in an affair where one of his neighbours
bad ill-treated him ; but not explaining the business so clearly as
the justice expected, ' Fellow,' said he, in a rage, 'I don't know
whether you were inoculated for the small pox or not, but I am
sure you have been for stupidity.' ' Why, an't please you,' replied
the man, ' perhaps 1 might, as you say, be inoculated for stupidity ;
but there was no occasion to perform that on your worship, for
you seem to have had it in the natural way.'
Ai.i. the trcth of a certain talkative lady being loose, she asked
the chevalier Kuspim the cause of it, who answered, ' It proceeded
from de violent shocks her ladyship did giv'em with her tongue/
FUN AND AMUSEMENT. 219
When Lieutenant O'Brien, (who was afterwards called Sky-
rocket Jack), was blown up at Spithead, in the Edgar, he was sa-
ved on the carriage of a gun ; and when brought to the Admiral
all black and wet, he said with pleasantry, ' 1 hope, sir, you will
excuse my dirty appearance, for I came out of the ship in so great
a hurry that i had not time to shift myself.'
A military officer of diminutive stature was drilling a tall Irish
recruit; ' Hold up your head,' said the officer, elevating the chin
of the Irishman with the end of his cane to an angle of nearly forty
degrees; 'Hold up your head, so;' 'and must I always do so,
captain?' asked the recruit: 'Yes, always ;' answered the officer.
' Then fare you well, my dear little fellow,' rejoined Paddy, ' for I
shall never see you more.'
A young lady going into the barrack-room at Fort George, saw
an officer toasting a slice of bread on the point of his sword, On
which she exclaimed, ' I think, Sir, you have got the staff of life
on the point of death.'
While Napoleon was a Subaltern in the army, a Russian Offi-
cer, with much self-sufficiency, remarked, 'that his country fought
for glory, and the French for gain.' ' You are perfectly right,'
answered Napoleon, 'for every one fights for that which he does
not possess.'
Two Oxford scholars meeting on the road with a Yorkshire host-
ler, they fell to bantering him, and told the fellow, that they would
prove him to be an horse or an ass. ' Well,' said the hostler, 'and
f can prove your saddle to be a mule.' 'A Mule !' cried one of
them, ' how can that be?' ' Because,' said the hostler, ' it is some-
thing between a horse and an ass.'
When the celebrated Bean Nash was ill, Dr. Chayne wrote a
prescription for him ; the next day the doctor coming to see his
patient, inquired if he had followed his prescription. 'No faith,'
said Nash, ' if I had I should have broke my neck, for I threw it
out of a two pair of stairs window.'
A culprit asked Jack Ketch if he had any commands for the
other world. ' Why,' said Jack, ' not many ; I'll only,' added he,
'just trouble you with a line.'
220
THE BOOK OF
An Irishman telling his friend, that in passing along the street,
he saw a person on the other side with whom he thought he was
acquainted, said, ' I crossed to see him, I thought I knew him, and
he thought he knew me, hut, by Jasus, my honey, it was neither
one nor t'other of us.'
Cook, the Actor.— A physician, seeing Cook about to drink a
glass of brandy, exclaimed, don't drink that filthy stuff. Brandy
is the worst enemy you have. ' I know that,' replied Cook, ' but
the Scriptures command us to love our enemies, so here goes !'
A WHITE CHOKES.
What means that sudden groan?
Old gentleman, declare,
Why drop that chicken bone
With such a dreadful air?
Why roll thine eyes beneath
Thy specs of bottle-green ?
Why thus in spasms breathe ?
Old gent ! what do you mean?
The guests in awe regard
His horror-stricken face —
The features plain and hard
Convulsed with dire grimace.
' Speak !' cries the festive crowd,
He answers, in a pet,
• My teeth ! (he groans aloud)
I've swallow'd the whole set!'
Two country attorneys, overtaking a waggoner on the road, and
thinking to be witty upon him, asked why his fore horse was so
fat and the rest so lean ? The waggoner knowing tliem, answered,
that the fore horse was a lawyer, and the rest were two clients.
Napoleon. — Among the other costly relics belonging to one of the
richest convents in Valladolid, there was a brick of massive gold,
of nearly one foot in length by an inch thick, which contained a
thorn, said to he from the crown which Christ wore on the cross.
It was presented to Napoleon by one of his generals, and he receiv-
ed it; but, taking out the thorn, 'There,' said he, 'give that back
to the monks — 1 keep the brick.'
A lady whom some musicians were serenading, was so little
complimented bj their performance that she resented it by throw-
ing stout s at them. A wag, who was passing by, exclaimed, your
music is as powerful as that of Orpheus, for it moves the very
stones,
TUN AND AMUSEMENT. 221
ASTROLOGY.
Boulainvilliers and Calonne, who both enjoyed a high reputation at
Paris for their skill in astrology, had predicted to Voltaire that he
should die at the age of thirty-two. ' 1 have been mischievous enough,'
he wrote, in 17. r >:', ' to deceive them already, by about thirty years,
for v, bioh I humbly beg their pardon.' He deceived them still further
by more than twenty years.
An astrologer fixing his eyes upon the countenance of the Duke of
Milan, said to him, ' My lord, arrange your affairs, for you have not
long to live.'—' How dost thou know this'' asked the Duke. — 'By my
acquaintance with the stars,' answered the astrologer. — ' And pray
how long ait thou to live?' — 'My planet promises me a long life.' —
' Well thou shalt shortly discover that we ought not to trust to the
stars.' And he ordered him to be hanged instantly.
Heguiages, an Arab general, under the Caliph Valid, consulted in
his last illness, an astrologer, who predicted to him his approaching
death. ' I rely so completely on your knowledge,' replied Heggiages
to him. ' that I wish to have you with me in the other world ; and I
shall therefore send you thither before me, in order that I may be able
to employ vour services from the time of my arrival.' And he order-
ed the head of the soothsayer to be struck off, although the time fix-
ed by the planets had not yet arrived.
Henry VII., king of England, asked an astrologer if he knew where
he should pass the festivities of Christmas. The astrologer answered,
that he knew nothing on the subject. I then am cleverer than thou
art,' replied the king, ' for I know that thou wilt pass them in the
Tower of London.' The individual was immediately conducted thither.
An astrologer foretold the deatli of a lady whom Louis XI. passion-
ately loved : she did, in fact, die ; and the king imagined that the
prediction of the astrologer was the cause of it. He sent for the man,
intending to have him thrown through the window as a punishment :
* Teil me, thou who pretendest to be so clever and learned a man, what
thy fate will be?' The soothsayer, who suspected the intentions of the
prince, and who knew his foible, replied, ' Sire, I foresee that I shall
die three days before your majesty.' The king believed him, and was
careful of the astrologer's life.
A clergyman choose for his text the following words : ' \\ Inch
of you will go up with me to Ramoth-Gilead?' then pausing, he
aaain and again repeated the words, when a gallant tar started
from his seat, and looking around him with an eye of indignation,
exclaimed, ' Will none of you go with the worthy gentleman ? As
for my part, I go for oue !'
A person asked an Irishman, why he wore his stockings the
wrong side outwards, He answered, ' Because there was a hole on
the other side.'
222 THE BOOK OP
A cLari table divine, for tbe benefit of the country where he re
sided, caused a causeway to be begun ; and as he was one day
overlooking the workmen, a certain nobleman passing by, said to
him, ' Well, doctor, for all your pains and charity I don't take this
to be the highway to heaven." ' Very true,' replied the doctor, 'for
if it had, I should have wondered to have seen your lordship here.'
A man with an enormously large mouth called on a dentist to
get a tooth drawn. After the dentist had prepared his instruments,
and was about to commence operations, the man of mouth began
to strain and stretch his mouth till he got it to a most frightful
extent. ' Stay, sir,' said the dentist, ' don't trouble yourself to
stretch your mouth any wider, for I intend to stand on the outside
of it to draw your tooth.'
Generous. — ' I will give you a thousand pounds,' said a young
buck to an old gentleman. ' How ?' ' You have a daughter, and
you intend to give her ten thousand pounds as her portion.' ' I
do.' ' Sir, I will take her with nine thousand!'
It appears, that in New Zealand, when the marriage ceremony
takesplace, it is a common custom to knock the heads of thebrideand
the bridegroom together, previous to their union.
In England, now, it isn't so ;
The bridegroom and the bride
To loggerheads but seldom go,
Until the knot is tied.
1 Why don't you wheel that barrow of coals, Ned ?' said a learn-
ed miner to one of his sons. ' It is not a very hard job ; there is
an inclined plane to relieve you.' 'Ah,' replied Ned, who had
more relish for wit than work, ' the plane may be inclined, but hang
me if I am.'
The father of the present Lord Abingdon, riding through a vil-
lage in the enmity 0? Oxford, met a lad dragging a calf along,
wlio, when his lordship came up to him, made a stop and stared
him full in the face. His Lordship asked the boy if lie knew him.
lie replied, 'Lees.' 'What is my name:'' said bis Lordship.
' Why, Lord Abingdon, 1 replied the lad — ' Then why don't you
lake off your hat?' 'So I will, sir,' said the boy, 'if ye'll hold the
call.'
FUN AND AMUSEMENT. 223
HOW DAVID PRICE CURED HIS WIFE'S
SHOCKING BAD TEMPER.
David, a man of meek and kindly spirit, had long suffered from
the patter-clatter, never-ending scolding tongue of his worser half.
One day, a herb doctor greeted David at his work, with a ' Well,
Master David, and how be you ?' — ' Oh ! I be very well, thanks to
ye; but my wife's not so very nicely.' 'Indeed!' said the gath-
erer of simples, with a quick ear for an ailment, ' what may be the
matter wi' she, Master David?' — 'Well,' said David, in his usual
dry and quiet way, 'she hav a bad breaking out about her mouth
every now and then, that troubles her and me varry sore, I 'sure
ye, Master Doctor.' ' Well,' said the latter, ' I could make a grand
cure of her, I'll warrant — I hev a salve 'at I makes fra the juice
of the juniper tree, and by boiling up a vast o' different kinds o'
things, 'quite cure that in no time!' — 'Deed,' said Davie, 'and
what might your charge be, now, for a box o' that 'intment, 'at
would quite cure her ?' ' Oh !' said the herbalist, looking anxious-
ly up in David's lace, ' only a matter of a shilling.' — ' Well, that's
dirt cheap,' said David ; 'if you cures her, I'll give you eighteen
pence, there now !' With this offer the doctor set off home to pre-
pare his nostrum, and straightway hied the very next day to David's
house, box in hand. There he found Mrs. Price, and went at once
to business. ' Well, Mrs. Price, your master tells me you hev be-
times a bad breaking out about the mouth, and I've brought a box
o' fine 'intment, 'at will quite cure ye !' With this announcement,
Mrs. Price firing up — at once seeing her husband's jest— raised
the brush with which she was sweeping the floor, and pummelled
the doctor to her heart's content, even following to beat him a field
from her house — he screaming out all the while, ' Oh ! Missus
Price, be you gone mad?' From that day, however, Mrs. Price
has been wholly cured of her scolding habits. David has only to
look up in her face and say, ' I'll get a box o' that 'intment,' and
there's an end of the matter, David honourably paid the doctor
his Is. 6d., and treated him, to make him forget his pummelling.
The whole of these circumstances are strictly true. — Durham
Chronicle.
A preacher in Arabic having for his text a portion of the Koran
• I have called Noah ;' alter twice repeating his text, made a long
pause : an Arab then present, thinking he was waiting for an ans-
wer, exclaimed, ' If Noah will not come, what hinders you from
calling somebody else.'
224 THE BOOK OF
ABSENCE OF MIND.
A gentleman addicted to taking snuff, let fall his handkerchief;
stooping to pick it up, he seized hold of a lady's dress, wiped his
nose with it, and then commenced stuffing it into his coat pocket.
He did not discover his mistake till a somewhat irascible gentle-
man kicked him out of the house.
The other day a man in Baltimore, intending to wind up his
watch, through a sudden attack of absence of mind, wound up him-
self. He did not perceive his mistake until his creditors refused
to allow him to go upon tick any longer !
The ' Nashville Observer' informs us of the following case of
absence of mind, which took place in the person of an old lady,
who, after stirring the fire with her knitting needle, proceeded to
knit with the poker, and did not discover her error till she com-
menced scratching her head with it.
A woman, in Ohio, put her baby into the washing-tub, and its
dirty frock and petticoat into the cradle, and set her little boy to
rock it. She did not discover her mistake until the baby cried out
when she pinned its left leg to the line, as she hung it out in the
yard to dry.
People in love are very apt to forget themselves, instance the
following; — A lady, having written, folded, and scaled a billet-
doux, tripped away to the post-office at Baltimore. Her mind
being engrossed in imagining the delight the fond object she had
addressed would experience in receiving her communication, cau-
sed her to make a slight mistake ; she dropped the loiter uncon-
sciously mi the footpath, and posted herself! nor did she discover
her error until the post-roaster asked, when about to stamp her,
whether she was double or single !
Wb learn from the ' Nashville Banner,' that a land-agent down
there, by name Hiram S. Botts, having to ride out in great h:ist<-
on'e day last week, actually dapped the saddle upon his own bat is
in lead ill' his mare's, and liner found out the mistake till he was
quite liitigucd with vainly trying to get upon himself.
I I X AND AMUSEMENT 'llo
WITTICISMS, &c.
A Great Calf. — Sir William B. being at a parish mpeting, niacin
some proposals which were objected to by a farmer. Highly enraged,
"Sir," said he to the farmer, "do you know that I have been at two
universities, and at two colleges at each university?" "Well, sir,'"
said the farmer, "what of that? I had a calf that sucked two cows,
and the observation I made was, the more he sucked the greater calf
he grew."
A Chancery Pun. — Lord Eldon (the Chancellor) related of hi:
predecessor, Lord Erskiiie, that being at a dinner-party with Captain
Parry, after his first voyage of discovery, he (Lord Erskine) asked the
intrepid navigator, what himself and bis hardy crew lived on, when
frozen up in the polar seas. "On the Seals to be sure," replied Parry.
"And very good living too," said the ex-chancellor, " if you keep them
Ion": enough !"
A gentleman sitting in one of the boxes in company with the late
Lord North, not knowing his lordship, entered into conversation with
him, and seeing two ladies come into an opposite box, turned to him,
and addressed him with, "Pray, sir, can you inform me who is that
ugly woman that is just come in?" "Oh," replied his lordship with
great good humour, "that is my wife." "Sir, I ask you ten thousand
pardons : I do not mean her, I mean that shocking monster who is
along with her." "That," replied his lordship, "is my daughter."
The Minister and his Man. — ' Sara,' said a late minister of
Drumblade one day to his man of works, ' you must bottle the cask
of whisky this forenoon ; but as the vapour from the whisky may
be injurious, take a glass before you begin, to prevent intoxication.'
Now, Samuel was an old soldier, and never was in better spirits
than when bottling whisky ; and having received from his master
a special license to taste, went to work most heartily. Some hours
after the minister visited the cellar to inspect progress, and was hor-
rified to find Sam lying his full length on the floor, unconscious
of all around. ' O Sam !' said the minister, ' you have not taken
ray advice, you see the consequence — rise, Sam, and take a glass
yet, it may restore you.' ' Sam, nothing loth, took the glass from
the minister's hand, and having emptied it, said, ' Oh ! sir, this is
the thirteenth glass I've ta'en, bit I'm nae better.'
A Yankee and an Irishman happened to be riding together pas-
sed a gallows. ' Where would you be,' said Jonathan, 'if the gal-
lows had its due?' ' Killing alone, to be sure,' said Pat.
O
22G THE BOOK OF
French Politeness. — A young gentleman, lodging in a nar-
row street of Paris, lately conceived himself enamoured of a lady
appeared occasionally at an opposite window. With the freedom
of modern Lovelaces, he enclosed a copper coin in a billet-doux,
to give it the necessary weight, and threw it with sufficient force,
against the closed sash, to break the pane of glass and go through.
His own window was left open, and, in a few minutes alter, a cold
roast chicken entered from the opposite side, to the leg of which
was tied the following note: — 'Monsieur, — You take advantage
of a means of corresponding with my wife which proves you to
have read the Spanish romances to some profit. While I allow
your ingenuity, however, allow me to express a wish that, in your
future love-letters to her by the same post, you will let the enclosed
weight be of silver instead of copper, that 1 may be able to repair
the broken pane of glass at your expense.
Your humble servant, X.
The following is said to be the longest pause on record; An old
gentleman, riding over Putney Bridge, turned round to his ser
vant and said, ' Do you like eggs, John ?' ' Yes, sir.' Here ended
the conversation. The same gentleman, riding over the same
bridge, that day twelvemonths, again turned round and said
' How?' ' Poached, sir,' was the answer.
COLONEL MARIBUS
A wag of a fellow, who would joke at a funeral, 8eein£ so mueli
Bolemnees about the cholera at New Orleans, told a very ^ood anecdote
which spread a grin on every countenance, and was no doubt more ben-
eficial to the sympathetic portion of the 'crowd' than would have been
a dose of ' doctors' stuff.' 'When the cholera first made its appear-
ance,' said be, ' in one of the Eastern cities, in 1832, a sanitary com-
mittee was appointed to visit each house in the city, and enjoin clean-
liness on the inhabitants. In one of the suburbs, in a dark alley, they
found an old Irishwoman living in one room, which was not remark-
able for cleanliness. The spokesman admonished the old lady that she
would he more cleanly — as sickness was approaching; the city, and she
would be likely to he attacked.
"Devil's the danger? 1 said the old lady, ' d'hirt is houlsome — it
niver kilt half as many as the devilish doothers.'
'Just at this juncture a grunt, very much like the grunt of a pi^,
was heard t<> proceed from the corner in which the old lady's bed
stood, and the spokesman of the committee inquired what was under
tfal Led?
FtJN AND AMUSEMENT. 227
" Me pag-!' said the old lady.
" Your pig- !' responded the committee.
"Yes, nay pagr.'
' And don't you know,' ejaculated the committee, ' that if the Cholera
Morbus comes here, and finds you in this filthy condition, and with
a pig- under your bed, that you will be one of its first subjects?'
"Who's Curnel Maribus?' responded the old lady, 'that I should
drive out me png- for him? To the devil wid yer Curnel Maribus!
wasn't Gineral Lafayette wid us, and me pag- under the bed — and no-
body disturbed him ; and isn't he a bether man than Curnel Maribus?'
'Ah!' said the committee man, 'you don't understand us. Its the
disease — the sickness we mean<'
" Don't trouble yerselves about that,' said the old lady, ' for it don't
trouble me. And now, g-intlemen,' she continued, ' I won't turn out
me pag- for yer desase, nor for Curnel Maribus, nor for yerselves — so
ye may jist as well leave me house."
They did leave — and the old lady kept her ' pag-.'
GATHER YE ROSEBUDS.
Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,
Old time is still a-flying ;
And this same flower that smiles to-day,
To-morrow will be dying - .
The glorious lamp of heaven, the sun,
The higher he's a-getting,
The sooner will his race be run,
And nearer he's to setting.
That age is best which is the first,
When youth and blood are warmer;
But being spent, the worse, and worst
Times still succeed the former.
Then be not coy, but use your time,
And, whil 
