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' THS 


c o M E . D r. 



^..'''^"^?^HBLI"STED.F6R G. G. J. AND J. 





THE Comedy of Le Glorie'ttx^ by M. 
Nericault Deftouches, is the bafis oa 
which The School for Arrogance has been 
formed. From that 1 have taken the plan, 
feveral of the charailers, and fome of the 
fcenes. Difference of arrangement, addi- 
tional Incidents, and what I deem to be et 
fential changes of chara^er, have alt been 
introduced. The Count has but little re- 
femblance to the original : Lucy and Mac 
Dermot none. Lady Peckham is a new 
chara^er, and was firft fuggefted by a friend ; 
who, conceiving highly of the contraft which 
exills in life, between the pride of rank and 
the pride of riches, induftrioufly fought to 
ftimulate and roufe my imagination. 

The fubjefl: of the piece is greatly tnte- 
refting to morals, and highly worthy of the 
nf*heatre. Confcious of the great e%^s a 
perfcft Comedy might have produced, I re- 
gret the imperfections of the prefent. Some 
good it will do : I regret that it cannot do 
more. Perfuaded as I am of the moral 
A dignity 


i! P R E F A C E. 

flignity of the ftage, I cherifli an enthufiaftic 
wifli to fee the dramatic art furpafs even all 
its former fubiime efforts. Among the 
|}Ietfures of the imagination, how frequently 
has its place been the firfl [ Happy indeed 
Ihould I be» could my fuccefs add thefmalleft 
impulfe to the exertion^ of Genius : ine&- 
bly happy, would but this noble art once 
more boldly affert its rank j and render it- 
fclf, not only the general love and delight of 
mankind, but the veneration of the wife. 

It is with peculiar pleafure that I here ac- 
knowledge how much I am indebted to the 
conduit of Mr. Marfhal j who, in conse- 
quence of the prejudices which it was ima- 
gined Mr. Harris laboured under, refpedHng 
me, afted, for a time, in my behalf, as the 
author of the piece. Though anxioufly 
zealtjus for its fuccefs, he ftill' continued 
impartially attentive to the interefts of all 
parties; and facrificed his own feelings to 
promote what- he conceived to be a public 

The tribute of juftice is alfo due. to Mr. 

Harris. TTiis tribute I am happy to have 

an opportunity to pay.^ And> that I may 

5 now 


PRE F-A C^.. h\ 

now be.coofiftent, » I always havt beeo, in 
my private and public language to Mr- 
Harris, I will here iafert a copy of a letter 
which I wrote to him, whea the coioedy 
had been twice perforated. 

" Sir, 
'* I HAVE patiently wuted the proper 
" moment in which to write to you. That 
** moment I hope is now come. I ihould 
"* be giulty of injuftice, were I any longer 
** to delay expreffing my fenfe of the pro- 
** priety with which you have a£ied, rela- 
** tively to The School for Arrogance, after 
*• you had every reafon to fuppofe it mine. 
" Such conduft, Sir, is highly honourable j 
•* and is not only produflive of the beft ef- 
** feds, but muft fecure the beft and moft: 
*• permanent applaufe. That you had con- 
** ceived difadvantageous ideasof me I knew; 
•• though I have no doubt but I fiiall ultt- 
•* mately convince you that, even fuppofing 
*• me to be miftaken, my motives have beea 
•* laudable ***** (+). With me you were 

(■{-) A finglc ptinfc, which relates ttatirely to my&lft U 

Aa «irri- 



•' irritated ; but you had the juftice to forget 
" the man, and promote the intcrefts of the 
•* piece. This I hrfd it my duty to fay to 
** the world at Urge. ■ 
« I ami Sir. 

" Your obliged humble lervant, 
"•^^!^ f!^? T. HOLCROFT." 

" To Thomas Harris, Efq." 

Mr. Harris kindly exprefied the fatigfao 
tion which his own private feelings received, 
from this letter ; nor can there be a doubt 
but that the propriety of his conduS:, under 
fuch circumftances, will be as agp-eeable to 
himfelf, and as pleafmg to the public, as it 
lias been to me. >) 

Stvimitm Stmt, 
Fti.i-jf 1791. 

ri by Google 


SfxAen by Mr. BermarDi in the charaflcr of a 

jtfterfiim£ag and calling " Great newt I" witieut, titter 
vnti a fv/lman't horn, uev^opert, a^^ and livery. 

GRE^T news I Great ners I Extraor^nary news I 
Who'll buy, or give three half-pence to perufe ? 
{Sounds) Great news ! — ^Pray did you call. Sir? ? Here 

Of wants and wanted Viz a large fupply ! - 
Of fire and murder^ marriage, birth and death| 
Here's more than I can utter in a breath ! 
Rapes, riots, hurricanes, routs, rogues, and faro \ 
Famine and flames in Turkey, and the plague at Cairo ! 
Here's tinfhire for the gums, which denttfts make { 
Whofe teeth eat moft when other people's ache. 
Here are lich foups, hams, tongues, oils, fauce, lour 

Irout : 
And here's the grand fpecific for the gout 1 
Here's turtle newly landed ; lamb houfe-fed ; 
And here a wife and five fmall children wanting bread. 
Wholefale and retail Britifli fpirits here : 
And here's the dying fpeech of poor fmallrbeer I 
Here are tall men, Diort women, and fat oxen : 
And here are Sunday fchoob, and ichools for boxings 



Here niin'd rakea for helpmates advertife j 
And <mly vtont 'em handCttme, rich, and wife. 
Great news ! Here's money lent on bond, rare news ! 
By honeft, tender-hearted, chiiftian Jews 1 
ticre arc promotions, dividends, rewards ; 
A lift of bankrupts, "and of new-made lords- 
Here die debates at length arc, for the week : 
And here the deaf and dumb are taught to fpeak. 
Here Hazard, Goodluck, Shcrgold, and a band 
Of gen'rous gejillcmait whofe hearts expand. 
With honour, rcflitude, and public fpiritj 
■ ^qual in high defcrt, ■^jrjth equal meiit. 
Divide their tickets into Ihares, and quarters : 
And here's a fervant-maid found hanging in her gartees ! 
Here ! Here's the fifty thoufand, fold at ev'ry (hop ! 
And here's the Newgate calendar:— and drop. 
Rare news ! Strange news I Extraordinary news 1 
Who wDUld not give three-halfpence to pcrufc ? 

(Going, rttums) 
Sblues ! I &>rgot — Great news, again, I fay I 
To-night, at Covent Garden, a new play t 
(la raptures) Oh ! I'll be there ! With Jack, oar pritw 

tcr's devil I 
We're judges, we ! Know when to clap, or cavil I 
We've heard our prcflmen talk ctf, of — of Rome and 

Greece ! 
And have read Harry-Harry.HarryStotle's mafter piece! 
When we bave paid our fliiUing, we're the town I 
As wifely can £nd fault as thofe wtio pay their crown I 
Nay we, like them, if it be bad or good. 
Can talk, as faft as, as — as if wv undeiftood I 




Oh ! m be there } get the firft row ; and, with my ftaff, 
I'll a£l the trunk-maker, thump, roar, encore, and laughl 

The prompter's boy has call'd our Jack afide *} 
And, fays the Play's to cure the world of pride ! 
That rich folks will no longer think they're bom 
To CTuih thp weak, aild'Iaugh the poor td fcora ! 
The great 'twill teach that virtue, wit, and merit. 
They may perchance poflcfs, but can't inhcriti 
•"That learning, wifdom, genius, truth, and worth. 
Are far more rich and' rare than ribbands, rank, and 
birth 1 
Ijard ! Lord ! Whoever heard of fuch a fcheme ? 
Teach ienfe to wealth' and pride I Tour poets always 

Could he do this, there's no one ^11 deny 
Thtx Neva I Strange news I would be the gen'ral cry. 



Count Conolly ViUars, 

Mr. Lewis. 

Mr. Dorimont, 

Mr. AicKiH. 

Sir Paul Peckhans ' 

Mr. Wilson. 

Sir Samuel Sheepy, 

Mr. MuNSEH. 


Mr. Farren. ' 

Mac Dcrmot, 

Mr. Johnstone. 


Mr. Marshall. 

■»*.} o«v„.. 


Mr. Thompson. 


Mr. Cross. 
■ . Mr. Lee. 

'Mr. FarlEV. 


Mr. EvAT. 
iVIr. Letteny. 

_Mr. Blurton, 

Lady Pcckham, 

Mrs. Mattocks 


Mrs. Wells. 


Mifs Bruhtok. 

Scenty Londm: The bea/i sf Sir Paul Peeiham and the 
apartments of the Count. Tina tweJve hours. 

N, B. The paffagis titwttn imitrted commas are omit- 
ted in refrejentation. 



C O M E D V. 


[7*« Hou/e tfSir Paol Feckham.] 

Enter Lydi a folUioed iy Mac Dermot. 

ONCE a^wn, Mr. Mac Deimot, liavc 
, done with this nonfenfe. 
Mac D. Arrah, and why lb fcofiiih ? Sure now 
a little-bit of making love^- 

Lydia. Plhaw ! Dome thefevourto anfwer 
my queftions. The Count, your mafter, is in 
love with Mifs LucyPcckham ? 

Mac D. Faith, and you may fay that. 
Lydia. Is he really well born ? 

B Mac D. 



Mac D. Oh ! As for that, honey, let him 
alone. The nobleft blood of France, aye, and 
what is better, of Ireland too, trickles to his 
finger's ends. The Villars and the O'Connol- 

Lydia. And he wiflies to marry into - the 
family of the Peckhatns ? 

Mac D. The divle a bit, my dear. 

Lydia. How ? 

Mac D. He is viry willing to marry the young 
Lady, but not her family. His pride and his 
pafllon have had many a tough battle about 
that, d'ye fee. Only think ! A diredt defcindaht 
of the former kings of Ireland, and collateral 
coufin to a prifent peer of France, to befmear 
and befmoulder his dignity by rubbing it 
againll porter butts, vinegar caflts, and beer 

Lydia. Mifs Lucy is indeed a lovely girl, 
animated to excefs, and fometimes apparently 
giddy and ilighty : but fhe has an excellent 
underftanding, and a noble heart ; and thefe are 
fuperior to binh, which is indeed a thing of 
mere accident, 

Mac p. Faidi, and that it is — I, a fimple . 
Irifhman, as I am — why now, I would have 
been born a duke, had they been civil enough 
to have alkcd my confint. 

Lydia, The Count fell in love with her at 
the convent, to which ftie was fent to improve 
her French. 

Mac D. And where I think you firft met with 

Lydia. Yes — Ihe faw me friendlefs, and 

conceived a generous and difinterefted affeftion 




for me. — He has followed her to England ; has 
taken apartments in our neighbourhood, ■ and 
Jives in fpkndour — yet is not rich. 

Mac D. Um, um. — No — But then, he is a 
Colonel in the Irilh brigade; and, befide his 
pay, has facrit fupplies. 

Lydia. From whom ? 

Mac D. Faith, and I don'i believe he knows 

Lydia. That's ftrange ! — His pride is ex- 

Mac D- To fpake the truth, that now is his 
failing. — An if it was not for that, oh ! he 
would be the jewel of a matter ! — He trates his 
infariors with contimpt, keeps bis dillance with 
his aquals, and values the rubbiOiing duft of 
his great grandfathers above diamonds ! 

Lydia. His charader is in perfed: contraft 
to that of his humble rival, Sir Samuel Sheepy ; 
who, even when he addrefles a footman, is all 
bows and affability ; whofe chief difconrfe is. 
Yes, if you pleafe,and, No, thank you; and who, 
in the company of his miftrefs, ftammers, blun- 
ders, and blufhes, like a great boy. 

MacD. What is it you till me ? He the ri- 
val of the Count my mafter ! That old 

Lydia. A bachelor, and only fifty ; rich, 
of a good family, and a great fevourite with 
Lady Peckham, by never having tlie courage 
to contradift her. 

MacD. Why, there now t You talk of the 
Count's pride ! Here is this city lady as proud 
as ten counts ! Her own coach horfes, ready 
harneffed, don't carry their heads higher ! And 
then fhe is as infolent, and as vulgar, and — Hem ! 
B z E^tgr 



Enter ZjufyVECK^Ats. and Sir Samuel Sheept, 
followed hy two Feotmm, in very /mart morn- 


Lady P. Here, fellers — go with thefe here 
cards [Feoimen receive each a parcel of large 
cards, and are going'] " Oh ! Tell that there 
*« butler to come to me — inftantly."— And — 
Do you hear ? — Vhen you comes back, get 
thofe difmal heads of yourn better powder'd ; 
put on your noo liveries, and make yourfelves 
a little like chriflians. — Thefe creeters are no 
better nur brootes, Sir Samooel ! They are all 
fo monftrous low> and wulgar !-^I have a party 
to-night ; I hopes you vill make von ? 

Sir Sam, Certainly, my Lady. 

** Lady P. Vhy, vhere is this butler ? 

Enter Butler. 

" Butler, I am here, my Lady ! 

" Lady P. Is all the furniter rubb'd ? 

** Butler. All, my Lady ! 

** Lady P. The m'ogany bright ? 

*• Butler. As bees-wax can make it, my Lady ! 

" ILady P. Bow pots in the china jars ? 

" Butler. Yes, my Lady ! 

« Lady P. The pidters on the hall ftair-cafc 
*' fcoured ? 

" Butltr. Clean, my Lady ! — But, I — (heji- 
" taiing} 

*' L^dy P. You ! You vhat ? 

" Butler. I am afraid their eyes and nofes will 
** foon difappear. 

« Lady P. Pflia !— Feller !— Arc the noo 
** prints come home ? 

" Butler. Yes, my Lady ! 

*? Lady 



" Lady P. And tbc karakatoors hung up 
'* in the drawing room ? 
" Butler, All, my Lady ! 
•* L^dy P. You fliall come and fee 'cm. Sir 
** Samooel ! 

"* Sit Sam. Your Ladyihip has exquifitc tafte. 
" La4ir P. Oh! Sir Samooel !— Veil, feller ? 
*• Sutler. My Lady ! 
" Lady P. Vhat do you ftand gaping at ? ' 
** Butler. My Lady ! 
•« Lady P. Vill you begone, feller ? 
" Butler. Oh !— Yes, my Lady ; C-^JiJe) and 
•* thank you too ! [£»i/." 

Lady P. So, Mifs ! is Sir Paul come to town } 
Lydia. I hare notfeen him. Madam. 
Ijody P. Sr Paul generally fleeps at our 
country feat> at Hackney. 

Sir Sam. A pleafanc retreat, my Lady ! 
Lady P. Waftly ! A wery paradife ! — Vhere 
is my daughter, Mifs } 

Lydia. I don't know. Madam. 
L^y P. And vhy don't you know ? Pleafe 
to go and tell her Sir Samooel is here. [Exit 
LySa.'] — A young purfcn that my daughter has 
taken under her purtefVion. 

Sir Sam. Stems mild and modeft, my Lady. 
Lady P. Not too much of that. Sir Samooel. 
. — ^Wbo {Surveying Mac Dermot) — pray, who are 
you, young man ? 

MacD. I! — Faith, my Lady, I — ^lam — my- 
(ilf : Mac Dermot. 
Lady P. Who? 

iWac D. The Count's gintlcman. 

Lady P. Gentleman I — Gentleman, indeed ! 

— Count's gentleman! — Ha I — A kind of 

mungrel Count, Sir Samooel; half French, 


' D,gn,-.rihyGOO^Ie 


half IriQi ! As good a gentleman, I fuppofej as 
his footman here ! I believes you have feen 
him though ? 

Sir Sam. I think I once had the honor to meet 
him here, my Lady. 

Lady P. An honor. Sir Samooel, not of my 
feeking, I aflure you ! Afpires to th^ hand of 
Mifs Looey Peckham ! — He ! — An outiandilh 
French foriner ! — I hates 'em all ! I looks upon 
none on 'em as no better nur favages ! Vhat do 
they vant vith us ? Vhyoiir money, to be fure ! 
A parcel of beggars ! — I viihes I vus Queen of 
England for von day only ! I vould uQier my 
orders to take and conquer 'em all, and trani- 
port *em to the plantations, inftead of negurs. 

Sir Sam, I have heard, my Lady, that the 
Count was my rival. 

Lady P. He your rival, Sir Samooel! He! 
■A half bred, higglety-pigglely, iriih, French 
fortio hunter rival you indeed l-~^[Enler Lydia.'] 
— Veil, Mifs ! Vhere is my daughter ? 

Lydia. In her own ■ apartment. Madam, 

Lady P. She'll be down prefently. Sir Sa- 
■ mooe! — Gentleman indeed ! The Count's Gen* 
tlecjan ! Ha ! Pride and Poverty ! 

{Exeunt Lady Peckham and Sir Samuel Sbeepy. 

MacD. (Highly affronted) Pride !— By the 
holy footftool, but your LadyQiip and Lucifer 
are a pair ! 


Lydia. Here comes Sir Paul. 

Mac D. Then I will be after going. 

Lydia. No, no ; (lay where you are. 



Enter Sir Paul Peckham. 

Sir Paul. Ah ! My fweet dear Liddy ! You 
are the angel I wiihed firft to meet ! Come to 
tay — (Running up to her.) — Why how now, huf- 
fey ? Why fo (hy ? 

Lydia. Referve your tratifports. Sir, for Lady 

Sir Paul. Lady I — But who have we here ? 

Lydia. Mr. Mac Dermot, Sir. 

Sir Paul. Oh ! I remember — fervant to the 
Count, my intended fon-in-law. 

MacD. The viry fame. Sir. {^Bows.'] 

Sir Paul. I hear an excellent charafter of your 
mafter. They tell me he is a fine, hearty, 
dauntlefs, fwaggering fellow ! If fo, he is a man 
.of family, and the very hufband for my Lucy. 

Mac D. Faith, thin, and he is all that ! 

Sir Paul. As for this Sir Samuel Sheepy, he 
fhall decamp — A water drinker I A bowing, 
fcraping, Gmpering, ceremonious Sir ! Never 
contradidls any body ! — Dammee ! An old ba- 
chelor ! And he ! He have the impudence to 
make love to my fine, young, fpirited wench I 
— But he is my Lady's choice ! — Is flie within ? 

Lydia. Yes, Sir. 

Sir Paul. I fiippofe we (hall have a fine 
breeze on this fubjeft ! But, what ! Am I not 
the monarch, the Grand Seignior of this houfe ? 
^m I not abfolute ? Shall 1 not difpofe of my 
daughteras I pleafe ? Doyou hear, young man? 
Go, prefent my comphments to the Count, and 
tellhiml mean to give him a call this morning. 
[Lydia makes figns to Mac Dermot toft^.'\ 

MacD. I am waiting for him here, Sir. 

SirPj»/. Waiting for him here, Sir! No, Sir! 
You cannot wait for him here. Sir ! 

3 Mac D. 



MacD, But, Sir- 
Sir Paul. And, Sir ! Why don't you go ? 

MacD. The Count bid me, Sir — 

Sir Panl. And I bid you, Sir — Pack ! Be- 
gone ! i^Exit Mac Dermot.'] — Now we're alone, 
my dear Lydia — Why, where are you going, 
hufTey ? 

Lydia. Didn't you hear my Lady call ? ^ 

Sir Paul, Call ? No.— And iflhe did, let her 

Lydia. Surely, Sir, you would not have me 
offend her ? '■ 

Sir Paul. Offend ! Let me fee who dare be 
oiFended with you in this houfe ! It is my will 
that you Ihould be the Sultana ! 

Lydia. Me, Sir ! 

Sir Paul. You, my Queen of Hearts ! You ! 
My houfe, my wealth, my fervants, myfelf, all 
are yours ! 

Lydia. You talk unintelligibly, Sir. 
• Sir Paul.Dol! Why then I'll fpeak plainer.— 
I am in love with you ! You afe a delicious crea- 
ture, and I am determined to make your for- 
tune ! — I'll take you a houfe up in Mary-le- 
bone ; a neat fnug box ; hire you fervants, keep 
you a carriage, buy you rings, clothesj and 
jewels, and come and fup with you every eve- 
ning ! — Do you underftand me now ? 

Lydia. Perfedly, Sir ! 

Sir Paul. . Well, and — hay ! — Does not tfee . 
plan tickle your fancy ? Do not your veins tin- 
gle, your hean beat, your-7-hay ? What fay 

Lydia, I really. Sir, don't know what to 

fay— except that I cannot comply, unlefs a 


: " D,gn,-.rihyGOO^Ie 

l_4dy; wIm^ I' tbink-it my duty to Confult, 
Ihotild g?Teher tjonfent. 

Sir Paul. What Lady ? Who } 

LyM. Lady i'eclthatn. Sir. ■ • 
■ Sir Paul. ' My wifd !-^Zounds ! Are yoH 
mad ? Tell my wife ? 

• Lydiai -I (hall furthei'-aflc the advice of your 
fon and daughter, who will wonder at your cha-> 
iity, in taking a poor 'twphan like me under 
your proteAion ; *' will be happy to .fee them* 
•• felTes ruined for iriy fake, arid wilV profit by 
** the example of fo venerable a father." 

Sir Paul.: Poh !' Nonfenfe !- 

Lydia. A httle farther off, if you pleafe. Sir, ■ 

Sir Paid. ■ Nearer I Angel ! Nearer I 

Lydia. I'll raife c^e'houfe. Sir 1 

Sit Paul. Pthaw! 

Lydia. Help \ . 
' Sir Paul,- My handkerchief! You fwcet— 

Enter Edmund. 

Edm> Lydia ! Sir ! 

Sir Pauh- How now, Sir \-^AfiJe to l^dia.'] 
Hem ! — Say it was a moufe — 

Edm. What is the matter. Sir ? 

Sir .Ptfs/. What's that to you. Sir ?-^Wh« 
do you want. Sir ? Who feni for you. Sir? 

Edm. I perceive you are not well. Sir I 

SirP.3a/; Sir! 

Edm. How were yoii taken ? 

S'uPaul. Taken!— [4ff^(] Young fcoundrcl! 
—Take yourfelf away, Sir ! 

Eiim. Impoffible, Sir! You tremble I Your 
looks are difordered ! Your eyes wild I 

Sir Paul. {Jfidt} Here's a dog ! 

C Edm 



Sdtn. ^t fo obliging^ M^ Lydia, as torutt 
and ihForm Lady Peckham ^w U} qiy ^tbtir 

Sir Pds/. Wb/f you imp ! VSiu^hg LjdiaX 
Lydia ! Say where you are — lif ou aud^ipus I 
• — Will you begone ? 

EAn- That I certainly v^i|l not, Sir,< vhile I 
fee you in fuch a way ! 

Sir Paul. Way, Sir !— Very well. Sir I-^Yenr 
FcU ! 

£^. I'll reac^ you a chair. Sir— Pray fit 
down — ^Pray cool yourfelf, 

Sir Paul. Oh, that I were; cooling ypu - ifl a 
horfepond ! 
'Edm. You arc growing old. Sir. 

Sir Paul. : You lie. Sir! 

Edm. You ihould be more careful of your- 
felf— Shall I fend for a phyficlan ? 

Sir Paul. [^</f] Dammee, but 1*11 p^ylic 
you ! ril— 

'* Enter a Mak-cook. 

" Ceek. Your foup is ready. Sir. 

"Sir Paul. Sir! 

*' Ccok. Knew your worfhip's hour — NeVer 
*' made better in my life — Rich and high ! Juft 
"to your worthip's palate. 

** Sir Paul. Why, fellow, don't you fee I'm 
" very ill ?' 

" Cook. Ill, Sir Paul I 

*' Sir Paul. That my eyes arc wild, thai I 
*' tremble, am old, and want a pbylician ? . 

" Ceek. Lord ! Sir Paul 1 I have been ypur 
" phyfician for thefe fifteen years ! 

" Sir Paul, I tell you, I'm ill; and want cool- 
*• ing ! 


"ing! AiL thatfcbundrd die— I'm dying 1 S9 
** fervc up yovur dolfr— 

** Cook, Ha, ha, ha I Yes, your worfliip. 


Sr Paul. {Mvttering ashegees ^ A fly, invi- 
dious — The demure dog has a mind to her him- 
felf— Yes, yes ! — Oh I Dammcc, pitifiil Peter, 
but 1*11 fit you ! [Exit, 

Lydia. You fee. Sir! 

Edm. [Sbra^gl I do. 

Lydia, 1 muft leave this femily. ■ 

Edm. Leave ! Why, churning Lydia, wilt 
you afflift me thus ? Have I not declared my 
purpofe ? 

Lydia. Which cannot be accompliflied. Voii 
promifei marriage, but your father will nevn 

Edm, Then we will marry without his con- 

Lydia. Oh, no ! Do not hope it 1 When t 
marry, it (hall be to render both my hufband 
and myfclf refpeftable, and happy : not to em- 
bitter, not to diQionour both. 

Enter a ToortXAV. 

Eoat. A perfon, who calls himfelf Mr. Do- 
rimont, enqpircs for you,- Madam. 

Lydia, Heavths I Can it be ? Shew him up 
inft^ly. \Eitit Footman* 

Edm. You feen^ alarmed ! 

Lydia, No, no I Oveijoyed I 

^n. Who is it? 

Lydia: I fcarcely can tdl yo«. A gentleinan 
who ufed to vifit me io the convent. , 

£^. Have you been long acqoainted ? 

C 1 Xj/dia. 



Zy^M. Little more than two years ; during 
which he was my monltdc^ confplcr, and gui'da 

£^w. iSeeing bim before be enttrs] His ap- 
pearance — 

Lydia. Is poor ; but hU heart is rich in bene- 
yolepcc. Pray leave us. [Exit Edmund, 

Enter Mr. Dorimojit. 

Lydia. [Running to meet htm'] Ah I Sir — - 

Mr. Dor. I am happy to have found you 
once again. 

, Lydia, What, Sir, has brought you' to Eng- 
land ? 

Mr. Dcr. Bufinefs; part of which was to fe? 

Lydi<3' You have been always generous and 
tind — Yet I am forry you (hould fee me thus. 

Mr, Bpr, ■ Why ? \^Eagerly'\ What are you ? 

Lydia, An humble dependant — A lady's 

Mr. Dor. Alas ! Why did you leave the 
convent without informing me ? 

Lydia'. 'Twas unexpeifted. — You had for- 
borne your vifits; and 1 feared death, "or fome 
misfortune. At my motlrcr's deceafe, the young 
lady with whom I live having an affedlion for 
me, and feeing me deferted, offered to ta"ke me 
with he^r to England, pmmifing I ftiould raihep 
Be her friend than her companion. 

Mr. Dor. And has (he kept lier word ? 

Lydia. On her part faithfully, tenderly • 
, Mr. Z)er. That is fome confoiatior)'. 

Lydia. But— ^^ 

m.Dor. What? 

Lydia. She has a mother, who does not fail 
to piake inferiority feelingly undcrftand itfelfc 

6 Mr.Z^w. 


:.';:' A CO M.ED T. . 13 

Hr.Der: ^Fitb/ommetwt]ladecdl'~^0>l- 
lc£Ji/^g bim/el/'] Biic with whom were you in 
■ fuch earncft converfatipn when 1 entered ? 

■ Lydia. The brother of -my young lady: a 
gentleman worthy your efteem. 

Mr. Dv. And worthy yours ? — You blufti ! 

Lydia. Do you blame tne for being juft ? , 

Mr. Dor. No— He is rich, young, and band* 
ibme. — Do you often meet ? 

Lydia. We do. 

Mr. Dor. You arc lovely, inexperienced, and 
unproteded ! 

■ Lydia. Fear nothingr— I fliall not eafily for- 
get myfelf. 

Mr. Dor. [^Eame^fy'^ I hope not.— But what 
does he fay ? - 

Lydia. That be loves me. 
'. Mr. Dar. Is tbat all ? 
. Lydia. No — He offers me fecret marriage. 

Mr. Dor. Secret marriage ! 

Lydia, I fee the danger, and wifb to fhun it. 
—You may find me mme place of refuge in 

Mr. Dor: Can you fo eafily renounce all the 
flattering prc^pefts love has raifed ? 

Lydia. Yes ; and not only them, but love 
itfelf, when it is my duty. 

. Mr. Dar. Noble-mindcdgirl ! — Remain where 
you are— ^Nay, indulge your hopes ; for know, 
your lover will be honoured by your hand. 

lydia. S ir ! — Honoured. 

Mr.ZJer. Honoured!— By birth you are grcadjr 
Jiii fuperior, 

Lydia. Can you be ferious J— Ob, trifle not 


with a too trcmbJiDg heizc E— AVhy did my Bto^ 
thcr couckU this focret from me ?-rOr, ic tnie* 
why die and leave it unrevealed i> 

Mr. Dor, There were reafi>n»--^e wa» not 
your mother. 

Ljdia. Not !— Oh, Gr ! Tou have corpured 
lip ten thouljuid bofy thoughts !— Is my mother 

Mr. Dor. No. 

Lydia. My father? 

Mr. Dor. He is. 

Lydia. Why ^as he fo long forfdcen me ? . . 

Mr. Dtr. lliat tnufl be told hereafter, fie 
patient — wait the event- — You are acquaittted| 
1 think, with CoonC ConoIIy ViDars ? 

Lydia. He vifits here. 

Mr. Dor. I ha,Te bufin^ri with him. 

Lydia. Ah, Sir ! I fear you will meet a cool 
reception ! Your humble appearance and his 
pride wilt but ill agree. 

Mr. Dor. Fear not — My bufinels is to lower 
his pride. 

Lydia. Sir ! He may inl'ult you. 

Mr. Dor. Humble though T myfelf am, I 
hope to teach him humility. To vifit you, and 
to accompiilh this, was the purport of my jour- 
ney. — Adieu for the prefent — Think on what I 
have faid ; and, though by birth you are noble, 
remember, virtue alone is true nobility. 
l^Lydia rings. Exit J\^. Dorimont, and aier 

Lucy : her drejs more cbaraBerifiic of the girl 

than of the wotMan ; and ber mawterfuH of life, but 

timbered by the moft delicate Jenjibility.1 

iMty, Well, Lydia ! Any news for roe ? ._ 
' hy&a. Mr. Mac Dermot has bceh here, with 


A COBS Z ST. i> 

the Count's compliments ; but ia reality to fed 
if l^y Feckh^ were at home. You know 
how much he wilhe& to avoid her. 

Lttty. Yea ; and I don't wonder at it.— Sha 
has jufl been with rtie, uOiering her orders, as 
ihc calls it. — " I defires, Mifs, you vill receive 
Sir Samooel Sheepy as your intended fpoufe,"— - 
And fo Ihe has fent me here to be courted ;' and 
the inam(»:ato is coming, as loon as he can take 
breath and courage I 

LyMa. But why, my dear, do you indulge 
youifelf in Blocking your mamma f 

Ijuj, Lydia, i muft either laugh or cryt 
and, though I laugh^ I aflure you it is often with 
kn aching heart. 

Lydia. My dear girl ! 

tjuy. I hope, however, you will own there is 
no great harm in laughing a little at this charov- 
ing Adonis, this whmifical lover of mine ! 

lydie. Perhaps not. 

Lur^ What can bis reafon be for making 
love to me ? 

Lydia. There's a queftion ! Pray, my dear, 
do you never look in your glals ? 
- iMcy'. Um— yes — But does he never look in 

Lydia, Perhaps his fight be^ns to decay.—* 
But are not you alanned ? 

Lucf. No. 

Lydia, Do not you love the Count ? 
■ Lufy. Um — Yes. 

Lydia. Well ! And you know how- violent 
«nd ptqudiccd Lady Peckhamis ! 

Zag-. Perfcftly ! But I have Sir Paul on my 

fide J and, as for Srr Samuel, he was dandled fo 




long in the nurferj', and is ftill fo much of the 
awkward, baflifUi bdy, that he will neyer darc to 
put the qucftion direftly to me; ^d I am dC'^ 
termined never to underftand hiin till he does. , 

Lydia. Here he comes. 
: Luty. Don't leave me. ■ - ' ■"■ ' 

Enter Sir Samuel Sheept* 

Sir Sam. {^Botving witfr trepidation] Madam— ' 
Hem! — Madam — •■ •'. 

Ijny. [Curtfyptg and mimicking^ Sir — Hem ! 
Sir — [^4/ide to Ly^ia} Count hisbowsl. 

Sir Sam. Madam, I — 'Hem !— *I.amafiaid — ■ 
1. am troublefome. 

Lucy. Sir — Hem! — A gentleman of your 
merit — Hem I — 

, Sir5i3». [Continues bowing, through, mofi of the 
Jiene] Oh, Madam ! — I am afraid— Hem !-*-^ 
You are bufy. 

Lucy. [Cunning to all bis bows']. Sir — Hem I— 
'. Sir Sam. I)o me the honour to bid .me be- 
gone. : 

■iMcy. Surely, Sir, you would, not have me 
guilty of rudenels ? 

Sir Sam. {^AJide'] What a blynder ! — Ma- 
dam — Hem ! — ^I alk ten thoufand pardons ! 
. Ijicy. Good manners require— Hem ! 

Sir Sam. That I fliould begone without 
bidding. \Going'] 

Lucy. Sir ! 

Sir Sam. (_Jfide'] I fuppofe I'm wrong, again ! 
: Lucy. I didn't fay fo. Sir ! 

Sir Sam, [Turning quick'] Didn't you. Ma- 

Lucy. A perfon of your politenefs, breed- 
ing, and accomplithmcnts — Hem!^— 



A C O M E D T. 17 

- ^U.Ste. \4/f'^} She's laughing at me. 

Jjay. Ou^c K) be treated with all rere- 
.raice. [^Oirtfyiug with ironic gravity.'] 

SiiSawL C^ff/f] Yes 1 She's making 1 fool 

iigr. Sir!— W«e you ^eaTed to Tpeak, 
-Sir?— Hem 1 — ^ 

Sir Sam. Hem !— Not a word. Madam ! 

■ l^Sa. '. This will be a. wiay converfacion. 

Lu^. I {veTame* Sir— Hem !-— You have 
ibmething to communicate. — - 

Sir SaZ, Madam !— Hem !— Yes. Madam, 
I mean no. Madam — No— Nothing — ^Hem!— 

Lydia. NaOiii^ Sit Samuel ! 

Sir Sam, Hem !— l^othing — Nothing. 

Lucy, Then may I take the liberty. Sir, to 

€nquir&*-Hem'!— What the purport of your 

vifo is ? — ^Hehi:!— — 4 : 

* Sir Sam. The— the— the— Hem !.— The— 

purport ifr— Him !— I— I have really foi^otten ! 

Lucf. CMi, pcsy. Sir, take time to recollect 
yourfelf— Hem ! — I am fure. Sir Samuel- 
Hem ! — ^You Hawe Ibmething to fay to me — 
Hem ! 

Sir Sam. Yes — No — no— nothing. 

Ly^a. Fie 1 Sir Samuel ! Nothing to lay 
to a lady ! 

Sir Sam. No '.—Hem ! — I never had any 
thing to fay to ladies in my hfe ! That is— 
.Yes — Yes — I own— I have fomething of the— 
the btmoft — Hem ! 

Luty. -Indeed ! 

Sir Sam, A thing which— lies at my heart I 

iMcy, Mercy !— Sir Samuel !— Hem 1— »— 
D Sit 



Sir Sam. Which I— Hem !— Have loAg-« 
But I will take fome other oppDitiinity. [Offtrhig 
to go.} 
• - Lucy. By no means. Sir Samuel I You have 
quite alarmed me ! I am impatient to hear !' I 
am afraid you are troubled in mind — Hem ! 

,Sir Sam. Why— Hem i— Yes,. Madam— 
Rather — Hem I . " 

Lu^. I declare, I thought fo ! I am very 
'^ forry ! Perhaps you' are afraid of death? 

Sir Sam. Madam ! 
■■ Lucy. Yet you are not fo very old ! 
Sir Sam, Madam ! 

Lucy. But 1 would not lave you terrify 
yourfelf too much — Hem ! 
Sir Sam. Madam ! 
iMcy. I perceive I have guefled it. 
Sir Sam. Madam ! Hem ! No, Madatn. 
Lucf. No!— What then is this Important 
fecret ?— Nay, pray tell mC— Hem ! 
Sir Sam, Hem I N— n — n^n not at prefeht, 
■ Madam. 

Lydia. Nay, Sir Samuel ! 
Sir Sam, Some other time. Madam—— 

iMiy. And can you be fo cruel to roe } Can 
you ? I declare, 1 (ball dream about you ! Shall 
think I fee you in your winding-ftieet ! Or- 
fome fuch frightful figure ! And fliall wakeAll in 
" ■ a tremble— Hem ! *' 

Sir Sam. A tremble indeed, Mad^ ! 
Lucf. And wpn't you tell me. Sir Samuel ? 
Won't you ? 

Sir Sam, N— 41^— n— n aot at prefcnt, Ma- 
4am'~H«m ! 


A C O M E D T/ 19 

Z«OF. Well, if you woa't. Sir Samuel, I 
muft leave you ; for whac you have faid has ab^ 
Jblutely given mc the vapours ! — Hem ! 

Sir Sam, I, M^dam I— Have I given ybu the 
Tapours ? 

ijicjf. Yes, yoa have. Sir Samuel { and 
Qiockingly too ! You hftve put fuch gloomy 
id^s into my mind ! 
. Sir Sam. Blefs me, Madam-i-Hem I 

Z«^. Your falts, Lydia ! — Hem ! 

Sir $aa. I hope. Madam, you — you ar^not 
very ill ! 

iMcy. Oh, I fhall be better in another room 

Sir Sam. [JJide] Yes, yes ; 'tis my company 
that has given her the vapours. \_Aloud'\ Shall 
\—^C«nfHfedly egtring hit arm.'] 

Lacy. No, no — Stay where you are. Sir 

Sir^jM. {Md«\ She wants to be rid of me ! 
Tr*Hem ! 

iMCf. Only, remember, you are under a 
promife to tell me your fecret-^Hem ! — If you 
don'i, I Ih^ certainly fee your ghoft ! Remem- 
ber—Hem! [Exit. 

Sir Smt; Madamw-I— Wf/ knowing vtbttbtr 
to go orJIay]—{To Lydia'} Mifs Lydia— Hem ! 

lyitia. Sir! :' 

Sir Sam. If you would — ^bem ! be fo civil, 

l^dia. Oh. Sir ! 1 have the vapours as bad 
#s Mifs Lucy ! (.Exit, 

Sir Sam. Have you ?— Hem ! Bl^fs mc ! 

*' Death ! Winding-ftieets ! Ghofts !— Gloomy 

«* ideaJ iodeed— Hem !— She was laughing ac 

, • ■ P » " me ! 



"me! I am fure Die was ! Hem ! All my lift 
" long have I been laughed at by young co-" 
" quettUh girU ! Yet I can't fbrfake "em ! Then"* 
the vapours I My"oM trick! I always give 
young ladies the vapours ! I make 'em ill } 
They are alWays fick of me ( Hem !-^'Tis very 
ftrange that I can't learn to talk without having 
a word to fay! A thing fo common too! Why 
can't I giye myfelf monkey airs, &ip here anct 
there, be felf-fufiicient, impeninent, and be- 
have like a puppy, purpofely to pleafe the la-t 
dies ? What 1 Is there no fuch thing to be foun<^ 
as a woman who can love a man for, bis mo* 
defty } This foreign count, now, my rival, i? 
quite a different thing ! He lMimicking'}—Hc 
walks with a ftraight back, and a cocked-up chin,' 
And a {but, and a ftride, and ftares, and take^ 
fnuff, and — ! Yes, yes ! He's the man for the 
ladies ! lExit^ 




A COMSDV, %t. 


§ C £ N £^ m Apartment in iht H$uff of ^ 
Paul Peckham. 


IC 4 N N O T forge; it^M;r frther alive » 
And I of noble delccnt I — 'Tis very ftxangej 
^— HopCj doubt, and appreheniion are all ii| 
^rms \ loiagination hurries me bpyom} all li^ 
fnaxi of probability ! 

Muter EpMUKii. 

Edmi Whjr do you thus feefc foUcudc I 

Ly^j To indulge thought. 

^dBf, Ha your frfcod brought yotf bad 

Lydia. No. 

idk. Whathashefaidf 

Lydia. Strange things ! 

E4m. Heavens!^ What? 

Ly£a^ You would think me a lunatic, were 
I to repeat them. 

" Edm. Lydia I I conjure you not to Ivep 
#• me on the rack ! 

*' Lydia. I was enjoined lilence, but I feel 
f * my heaft has no feciety for you-^Yet, you will 
f* Uugh. 

*' $.dm. Ungenerous Lydi^ I 

7 *' Lydia. 



*' Lydia. Yes ; you will think mc mad." 

Edm. Lydia, you are unjuft. 

Lydia. Am I ? — ^Well thc«, I am told— 
"Would you believe i( ? — \ anj told that my 
, family is illuHnous ! - - 

Edm. Good heavens !— 'Tis true ! I feel it is 
true ! Charming Lydia, [KnttttHg] thus let love 
pay you that homage whidi the world, blind and 
miligniujt, dcnias. . ■ 

Lydia. Riff, Edmund' Qirtb can at boft but 
confer imaginary dignity ; there is no true gran- 
deur but of mind. 
. E4m. Some one is coming | 

Lydia. Aye, aye! Get you gon?. 

Edm. I am all tranfport ! 

Lydia. Huth ! Away I 

f^dm. My angel ! \Kiffe$ her band."] 

lExif bajlffifi 

^nter Footmah, inirodtuingMi. Dorihont. 

Foof. A gentleman to you, Madam. 

Lydia* This fudden return. Sir, is kind. 

Mr. Dor. I have bethought . mc. The mo- 
ment is critical, and what I have to communi- 
<;ate of importance. Are we fecure ? ■ ■ 

Lydia. We are. This is my apartment. 
[^LySa goei and bolts the door."] Have you feeu 
the Count, S^r^ ' ■ ■ 

Mr. Dvr. No. But I have written to hinj 

Ly£a. And-whyanonymoufly ? ' 

^r. Dor. To roufe his feelings," wound his 
vanity, and excite his anger. His flumbering 
Acuities 'n)uft be awakened. — Is he kind lo 
yovi ? ' 



A COMFDfv 113 

' Xydia. No. Yet I believe him to be gcnc- 
' Tous, benevolent, ^and noble of heart ; though 
his habitual haughtinefs gives him the appcar- 
■ incc of qualities the very reveifc. ' 

Mr. ^or. Worthy, kind girl ! — You were 
:''r-the confolation of a too unfortunate 
. fatho- ! 

Lydia. Again you remind, me that I have a 
&ther. Why am I not allowed to fee. him ? 

- "Why am I not foffered to fly into his arms } 

Mr. Dor. He dreads left his wretched and 
pitiable condition fliould make you meet him 
; .with coldnefs. 

Lydia. Oh ! How little does he know my 
' faeart 1 Yet f{>eak ; tell tne, what monfter was 
: the caufe of his mifery ? 

, Mr. Dar. The. monfter Pride. 
Lydia. PrideJ 

Bilr. Dor. Your . mother's pride, whith firfl: 
' fquandored his. wealth, and next endangered his 

' Lydia. How you alarm me ! 
Mr. Dffr. A dcfpicaWedifpute for- preceden- 
cy was tlie occafion of a duel, in which your 
&ther. killed his antagonift, whofe enn^^ fa- 

- nuly, by fuboming wttnelTes, caufed him to be 
convided of murder, obliged him to % the 
kingdom, atid with your mother wander under 

- i b6rro\(%d name» a fugitive in dtftant coun- 

- triesi 

Lydia. Heavens !— But why leave me ig- 
norant of my birth ? 

Mr. Dor. That, beiog unfortunate,, yoa 

might be humble : that ' you might not grieve 

after happitiefi wljich you feemed declined 



»ot to enjoy. 'Twas the precaution of a foml 
'£tther, driirous to alleviate, if not fuccour yonf 
diftrefe. . 

Lydia. Oh ! How I burn to fee him !— Isittf 
not in danger ? Is. his life fecure ? 

Mr. Der. He himfclf can fcarcely fay. - His 
enemies have difcovered him, are hot in purfuit^ 
'and fertile in~ ftrat^ems and fnares.. They 
know that juftice is now bufied in his behalf; 
but juftice is flow, and revenge is rciUefs.— Their 
aAivity, I hear, is redoubled. ■ 

J^(&i. Guard, I conjure you, guard my fe- 
ther's fafety ! I^et me fly to feek ^im i Condutft 
me to his feet ! . 

Mr. Dor. He wiflied you firft to be informed 
of his true fituadon ; left, knowing him to be 
noble, you flrauldexped. to fee him in all the 
pomp of aflluence, inftead !of meeting a poor» 
dejefted; forlorn old man. 

IgMa. His fears are unjuft ; iiyurious to 
every feeling of filial affeftion and dlutyl The 
little I have I -will freely partake with him; My 
- clothes, the ditimbnd which my fuppofed mother 
left me, whatever I poflTefs (hall inftantly be fold 
fx his relief : my life flidll be devoted to foficn 
his forrows. Oh that I could prove myfelf wor- 
thy to be his daughter ! Oh that I could pour 
out my foul ttf fecure his felicity ! 

Mr. Dor. Forbear !— Let me breathed— 
AfTeftion cannot And utterance !— Oh 1 this 
joeking heart. t— My dilld ! 

lydia. Sir ! * 
' Mr. Dor. My Lydia I 

Lydia. Heavens ! , 

Mr. Vor. My child !— My daughter f 



A C O M E D T. aif 

Lf4ia* {Falling, at hisftet] Can it be ? — My 
father !— Oh ecftafy ! 

Mr. Dor. Rife, my child ! — Suffer. me to 
appeafe my melting heart ! — Oh, delight of 
my eyes !— Why is not your brother like 

Lydia. My brother ! Who ? Have I a bro- 
ther ? 

Mr. Dor. The Count is your brother, 

Ipiia, 'Tis too much ! 

Mr. Dor. He is not worthy fuch a fitter. 

Ljdia. The fitter of the Count ! I !— Ah ! 
Nature, thy inttinifts are fabulous : for, were 
they not, his heart would have beaten as warmly 
toward me, as mine has done for him ! 

Mr. Dor. I will make him blulh at his ar- 
rogance. You fliall wttnefs his confufion ; 
which (hall be public, that it may be effectual. 

Lydia. Would you have me avoid explana- 
tion with him ? 

Mr. Dor. Yes, for the prefent. — I mean to 
fee him. Our meeting will be warm ; but he 
fliaH feel the authority of a father. 

Lydia. If you are a ftranger to him, I feaf 
Mr. Dor. No, no. He knows me, but knows 
not all his obligations to me. — :— I have fecretly 
fupplicd him with money, and gained him pro- 
motion ; which he has vainly attributed to his 
perfonal merits. But I mutt be gone. My bur- 
thened heart is eafed ! Once more, dear child cf 
my affeftioni, beprudent. I have much to ap- 
prehend ; but, ftiould the prefent moment prove 
benign, my future days will all be peace ! 
\ . {Knocking beard at the tbamhtr door,'} ' 

E -^ l-ydia. 



LydU. [Jlarmed'] Who's there? 

Sir Paul, IfTithout] 'Tis I !— Open the door I 

Lydia. I am bufy, Sir. 

Sir Paul. Pftiaw ! Open the door, Itell you ', 

Mr. Dor. Who is n ? 

Lydia. Sir Paul. 

Mr. Dor. And does he take the liberty to 
come into your apartment ? 

Lydia. Oh, Sir, he will take any liberty he 

Sir Paul. Why don't you open tlie door ? 
, Mr. Dor. You are furrounded by danger 
and temptation \ 

Lydia. Have no fears for me. Sir. 

Sir Paul. Will you open the door, I fay ? 

Mr. Dsr. Let him come in. \^Lydia unbolts 
the door.y 

Enter Sir Paul. 

Sir Paul. What is the reafon, you .dear little 
tisEgage) that you always Iliut yoiirfelf up fo 
carefully ? 

Lydia. You are one of the reafons. Sir. 

SxTPaul. Pfhaw ! You need not be afraid of 
me ! 

Lydia. . I'm «o/ afraid of you, Sir. 

Sir Paul. Why that's right. I'm coir.e to 
talk matters over with you. My Lady's out— 
a wifiting. [^Mimicking] — The coaft is clear. 
1 have (ecured my gracelefs dog of a fon — I 
fufpe6V— ! 
■■ Lydia, What, Sir ? 

S\r Paul, But it won't do! Mrnd! Take the 
hint! — I've heard of an excellent hofife ! 

Lydia. You are running on as ufuat. Sir. 
• •■■"• 5 ■ - Sr. ■ 


A C M E D T. ^^ 

^r Paul. With a convenient back door !— 
J'li bcfpeak you 2, carriage ! Choofc your own 
liveries ! Keep as many footmen as you pleaft ! 
Indulge in every thing your heart can with ! 
Operas, balls, routs, mafquerades ! Rotten Row 
of a Sunday ! Town houfe and country houfe ! 
Bath, Briftol, or Buxton ! Hoi wells, or cold 
wells! Onfy-Hem!— Hay? * 

Lydia. Sir, I muft nor hear fuch ribaldry. 
■ Sir Paul, Indeed but you muft, my dear- 
How wjU you help it ? You can't efcape me 
now ! I have you fail ! No Icapegrace fcoundrel 
of a — ! IMr. Dorimmt comes forward] Andfo — 

Mr. Dor. ISlemly] And fo, Sir ! 
' Sir PauJ. Zoymds \ ' IPau/e] Andfo! [Uoi- 
ing round] Locked up together ! You were 
taufy ! 

Mr. Dor. Well, Sir ? 

Sir Paui. Oh, very. Sir ! Perhaps you have 
a. houfe yourfelf, Sir ? 

Mr. Dor. Sir ? 

Sir Paul. With a convenient back door ? 

Mr. Dor. So far from oflTering the lady fuch 
an infult, Sir, 1 am atmoft tempted to chaftife 
that impotent effrontery which has been fo dar- 

Sir Paul. Herti ! — You are very civil. Sir ! 
And, as a return for your compliment, I am 
ready to do ms'felf the pleafure. Sir, to wait on 
you down ftairs. 

Lydia. I'll fpare you the trouble, Sir. 

Mr. Dor. Though this Lady's refidence here 
will be but £hon, I would have you beware, Sir, 
how you Chock her ears again, with a propofal 
fb vile ! 

E 2 Sir 



Sir Paul. Your caution is kiod. Sir ! 

Mr. Dor. I am forry it is neceflary. Sir I 
What ! The head of a houfe! The fether of a 
femily ! Oh ! Shame ! He who, tottering oq 
the brink of the grave, would gratify appetite* 
which he no longer knows, by reducing ih? 
happy to mifery and die innocent to guilt, de- 
iciiles to fink into that contempt and infamy 
into whidi he would plunge unwary Cmpliciiy. 

SCENE, the apartment ef the Count,, an 
elegant room, with chairs, Jof ha, glares, pic- 
tures, 6ff. 

Mac DeitvoT and PreARu, with a letter in his 
band, meeting. 

Mae D. So, Mr. Picard j what have you got 
■ Pic. Von Icttre for Monfieur le Comte. 

Mac D. Well, give it me, and go about yoiv 

Pic. No ! I not go about my bifancfs ! My 
bifanefs is to fpeaka to you. 

Mac D. To me ! — And what is it you want i 

Pie. Mm argent! My vage aa my conge I 
My difniifs ! 

Mae D. How, man alive ! 

Pic. You are dec — dec factotum to dee 
Count. He fufFare no fomebody to fpeaka to 
him; fo I am come fpeaka to you. 

Mac D. Arrah now, and are you crazy ? 
Quit the farvice of a Count ! Your reafon, man ? 

Pic. My rai/on is you talka too mo(h enough ; 

ke no talk at all ! I follow him from France ; 




I yet live vid faim by 9nd by four moodi, he no 
fpeaka to mc four vord ! 
, MmD. What then? 

Pie. Vat den ! — Je Juts FranfoiSf mm! I xve 
dee tongue for a dee fpetka ; I mus fpeaka ;. I 
Vila fpeaka ! He not fo mofli .do me dee faotmr 
to fcold a me ! I ave leave dee bcft Madame iq 
Paris for Mnnfieur le Comtt—^uelU Ftmmel 
Her tongue vas nevare ftill t Nevare ! Sh« 
fcold and ihe dack, clack, clack, clack, clack, 
from all day an all night j Oh ! It vas delight 
po hear ! 

Mae 2>. And fo you want to be fcolded 7 

Pic. Out — I Iqvc to be fcold, I love to fcold ; 
to be fall out an to be fall in — Ctjl mm gotit-^ 
Dee plaifir of my hfe ! firai (rtvtr! If I no 
Q>cak I buril ! 

Mac. D. And is ic you now, fpalpeen, that 
would chatter in the priience of the Count } 

Pic. Shatter ■ Shauer ! Ha I Vat you mesai 
(hatter ? 

Mac D. Have not you roaft beef and pinm 
pudding t 

Pie, Vat is roas beef, vat is plom boodin, 

fotam ! if I no fpeaka ? I ave a dee Mafter in 
ranee dat ftarva me, dat pay me no gage, daC 
leave a me tout en guenilles ; all rag an tattare ; 
yet I love him better as mo(h ! Peurquoi ? \_Af' 
ftSionately] Helas ! feiai Jon thtr ami I Hi* 
dear fren ! He talka to me, I talka to him 1 I 
laugh at his joke, be laugh eu^, an I am both 
togeder fo happy as dee priace 1 fi|ut dee Count I 
Oh! He as proud !— Hai— CSmiv/^. (^Mimtek- 




- JVfic D. Poh \ Now — My good filtow, hav^ 

patience. ■' 

Pic._ Patience ! Mot ! — I no patience-— \^ I no 
f^cak. I am enrage — I am French— -1 am Picard 
■ — ^Ven -dee heart is full dee tongue .mus run ! I 
give you varn — Let my Mafta fpeak, or I fhall 
difmiffa ray Mafta ! 

Mac D. Here comes the Count ! Stand back, 
man, and hould your tongue ! 
j£»/<fr the Ceunt, followed ^ twoFeotmettfin hand- 

• jBtnr liveriej. Fnotmen 'piaee themfehes in the 

hack ground, Mae Dermot copigs a little for~ 
iBord.'] ■ ■ 

CoKtit. -The more I reileft on my own Jnfa* 
toation, the morei am aftoniflied ! 

• 'Mac D. My Lord— 

Count. \Traverfing the Jlage"] A man of my 
fcirth ! My rank! " So to forger himfeif !— 
■' Still (he is an arigel I^But the family of a 
« cit !"^A brewer's daughter ! 
JWaf D. My Lord- 
Cows/. ^Gives kim a forkJdding look] The 
world contains not a woman fo lovely ! — " Yet 
«• the vulgar, haughty, difgufting airs of the 
"mother ! The infulting familiarity of the 
"father ! And the free, unceremonious tone of 
** the whole family !< — 1 am fafcinated !" — Nei- 
ther do they condefcend to court my alliance ! 
•• 1 muft be the humble fuitor : I mull entreat,- 
" mud fuppiicatc permiffion to degrade my 
" noble anceftors, who will abjure me, blulhlng 
•* through their winding fhcccs !" — I muft peti- 
tion, and fawflj^nd acknowledge the high honour 
dope,— No ! If I do !— Yet 'tis felfei I Hwll ! 
I f«el i ftiall be thus abjeift, 

Mac J), 


A CO M ED T- St 

Mac D. If-^I might be fo bould — 

CouMt. Well, Sir— 

Mac D. A letter for your Lordfhip. 

Ccutjt. Oh ! — What from the ambaflador ? 

Mac D. No faith, my Lord. , 

Count. Ha! TheDuchcfs? 

Mac D. No, my Lord, nor the Dochefs^ 

Count. [Taking it] Who then. Sir ? 

Maclh' Faith, my Lord, that is more than I 
- can fay-^But perhaps the letter itfilf can tell 

Count. Sir ! — Who brought it ? 

Pie. Un pauvre valet footaman, mee Lor— 
His (hoe, his Hocking, liis hahit, his thapeaUf 
vas all patch an piece. And he vas — 

MaeD. S^Afide, interruptinj, him'] Bo!, 
' Comt. [^Throwing down the Irtier, Howing bis 
fingers^ and dufiing them with bis -j:hite hanaker- 
chief] Foh ! — Open it, and inform mc of the 

MacD. Yes, my Lord. 

Pic. His Vffage, mee Lor— - 

Count. How now ! 

Pic. [/a a pitiful tone] Mee Lor— 

Mac D. 'Sblood, niaa — ! {^Stopping bis mouth, 
and pujhiag him iack.] 

Count. [Makes Jigns to tbe/eotmen, who Irtng 
an arm-chair forward, and again Jiibmijively re- 
tire] She is ever uppermott ! 1 cannot banifh 
her my thoughts I Do you hear ? — Difmifs 
thofe — [fFaving bis' band.) 

Mac D. Yes, my l^rd. — Hark you, fpal- 

pecns! [Waving his batid with ^be fame, air as 

tke Ctnait.] [Exeunt footmen. 




Pic. [ytdVimcing] Menfiear U Cmi^i-^ 

Count, {Jfter a ftare] Again ! 

Fie. I ave von requite to beg— 

Ceuiif. Pay that fellow his- wages imme- 
diately ! . 

MatD. I tould you lb ! TPuJbinz bit/ratoay] 
Bufli ! Silence ! 

Pic. Silence ! I am no Englifh ! I hate 
filence !• I— 

Mac Z>. Poh ! Bodtheration ! Be afy ! — I 
will try now to make your pace! [Pufoes Um 
tff'r and tbm returns to examining the letter.'] 

Count. Infolent menial !— Well, Si^ ? Th« 
einirents ? 

Mac D. Kaith, my Lord, I am afraid the con- 
tints will not plafe you ! 

Count. Howfo> Sir? 

Mac D. Why, as for the how fo, my Lord, 
if your Lordlhip wit! but be plafed to radc-^ 

Cokttt. Didn't I order you to read ? 

Mac D. To be fure you did, my Lord ; but 
I Ihould take it as a viry particular grate fa- 
vour, if that your Lordfliip would but be plafed 
to rade for yourfilf. 

Count. Why, Sir ? 

Mai D. Your Lordlhip's timper ii a Hulc 
warm ; and— 

Ceunt. Read ! 

MacD. Well— If I muftlmuft !— *Theper- 
• fon who thinks proper, at prefent, to addrtfi 
< you'— 

Count. [Interrupting] Sir ! 

Mac D. My Lord 1 

Coma, Be pt^ed to tetin the letter. Sir ! 



'A'cVl^Eii Y. 

■ MdcD. 'Be^?'S^rratlxeword of b^inning^ 
is-here — brfoj=e.,Qr after-r-^ , ' ' 
CeuHf. * I'he ^erioa' ? r '' 

Id !,^ irhr*wskia/erfjB thf- 
en ..Sir. ■' '' 

noA wbd thinks proper, at 
«.| ^ y9"* tak^ the liberty to- 

■'.1 i^ur hau^cucl^ iaftead of 

• \ ridiculous.* 

"rf-Sirl ■ ■:. ■;.- . * .-, 
ff, I touidyour'LordfliipI , 
J ibejlage.^ CJo* on ! ._ 
ir<i/»(f ^flr*]L 'The lilllgr* 
'merit — ^you-hpvc"7— , ■ , . ■ 

Count, i^ttb a hoii']' - Xhe little, merit I 
have ? .The little ? VtW little >— [Abf Henvot 
holds up the Utter.']— Q6 <m\ ^. 
■A^I>.-, *.Thc Htde njerit you have— can- 

• not' Convince the world, that your pride— ii 

• not— ;is n9t-«is not— * 

. . Catmi^ : Is ndt-whai? [Sternly.'] j • , . 
. MacD. .[Fettrjui] ^ Impertinent.' ... 

Count. [Striking Mac Dermot.] Ilafcal ! ^ ; 

Mae D.. Viry well, my Lord ! — [^I'browing 
dtam t^e letter] 1 .humbly thank your Lx)rdlhipl 
—By Jafus i But I'll remimber ths favour-r- 
- Coimt. [Mere ctoU/] Read, Sir. 

Mac D. To the divle I pitch me if I do ! 
■ £onnt. {Cd^duf ef having done wrong] Read, 
l^d^ Deimot. 

MacD. No, my,Lord!-T-MacDermot is s 

pun ! — An En^iiHman !-~0r an Irilhman, by 

Jafus, which, is tcuef ^iU ! And by the holy 

gS^tXf if but that your IlordlHip was not a Lord 

F now!— 



now ! — [Pulling down hit ^twSf tpd cUndnBg 
bisfift vnib great agoty."] 

Count. ICarelefjfy letting biipurfefiiiri PicK 
up that purfe, Mac Dcrraot. 

Mat m, 'Tis viry weH !— Oh !— WeH !— 
Well i^Wcll ! {p^s the^trji m tie tailt.] '' 

Count, You may keep it— Mac pcrmot. 
' Mae D. What ! — I touch it !— No, my 
Ijjrd !— Don't you think it! — i defpife your 
^ncas !i-^An IrUhman is not to be paid tor a 

jCount. \jyitb incre^ng em/eiimfiufi rftmr, 
midfiruggUng xeitb bis /ee^gty^l-^l hare bcca 

MaeD. Well, well! — ^Tis viry well ! 
. Cpunt. I am — ^I— I am forry, Mac Dermot. 

Mac D. [Softenel] My Lord ! 

Count. {Empbttticalif\ Veryforry— 

MaeT). My Lord! ^ 

C&fl/tf. Pray forget it ! X^aking hm fy tte 
band] I cannot forgive myferf. 

Mat J). By the blefled Mary, then, bub I 
can. — Yoiy Lordfhip is a noble gentleman !— 
There 19 many an uplbut Lord has the courage 
to ftrike, whm they know their poor ftarring 
depindantB hands are duined to' their fides, by 
writchednefs and oppreffion : btit few indeeil 
have the courage to own the injury I 

Count. I wifl remember, Mac Permot, that 
X,3m in your debt. 

' Mat D. Faith, and if you do, my Lord, 
your mimory will be better than mine I-^I bar* 
lived with your Lordfliip fome years ; and* 
though not alwayi a kind, you hare always bbca 
;i gincrous nuftcr. To bt furc.-iniTer befora 



had the hofiour of a blow from your Loid^iip ; 
but then I hiTcr before had the fatisfaflion to 
be quite fure that, whUe you remimbered'your^ 
filf to be a Lordf you had &oc forgotten poor 
Mac Dermot was a man. , 

Count, Wel^ well I [^^, «W Usfridtrt- 
iurmtg^ He thinks he has a Hceoce now to prate, 
•— Hierc is no teaching fervants i nay indeed there 
isnoteaching any body a Tenre of propriety { ; 

MacD, 0id your K^rdlbip fpoke > [Bowint 
kmit-} . ■ 

Count. .Give me that letter. And— take the 
numey— ^It is yours. 

Mac D. Your LordQiip will be plafed for to 
pardon me there. — If you think proper, you 
. may ^ive me twice as much t6-morrow.-^Buc 
the divle a doit I'll touch for to-day 1 

Oiotl. Wait within call. 

MmD, [Gmg^ I' ntv,er before knew he was 
)|U togedther fuch a jevvel of a matter 1 {Exit, 

Count, 'Tis Uiis infernal letter tbatcauudme 
to betray myfelf thus to my fervant !^ — And wh^ 
is tlUs fqfole^tf this rath; advifpr } May I perilh 
if I dp not punifli the affront ! — Hcje is n» 
name (—A ftrange hand ^oo ^'^t^l*^.] * "^^e 

* friend who gives you thfs ufeful leffon Jias difr 
'guifedhis hand, and , concealed his name|— 
Anonymous cgward ! — * His prefent intention 
■ being to awaken re0cction, and make you 

* Uuifh at yourown bloated vanity'— Intolerable! 

* C^,ifnot,taprepareyou foraviiitfromonewho 

* thinks it his duty to lower your arrogance ; ahi^ 
^-who will undertake the difa^ecable raik this* 
.< very day.'— Will he ? Will he' f— Mac Pcr- 
mot I 

F a Mac 


36 T3£ SC)^L-KOK.AjLROj^ANC$: 

iMi|Z)- rj^/^fl^] My,Lordl . - -. ,.- 
' Count. Ifaoy Granger en(juir9 ^P^t "^^i uifori|i 
mc foftamly. . ' ,," 

Mae D. Y«, my Lortf. ''i . ,j , , 

Enter Eduovo,- ' > 
' 'Edm.- Good-mpmawi Gpufit;^ . 

0»a»^ {Sligbtfyhowitigi'ati^'yfti>k;Acatimh 
MacDermot^ Why, wherp'^c irfy Ifcilcrws ? Nlj 
body tolhcw the^eptletnan up?" ■ ■ ' . ' ' 

EJm, Ghh Yau xci tod'; tcrfcmohious by 
half, Counj ! 

' Omi. [W[/5 jKirH^/i] A Kttle ceremony. 
Sir, is the efleoge of good breeding* ' 

' Edm. Piha! 'r^ ■ ' — > ^ ■ 

GwTf?. Pfhai Sir ! ■ 

■ JEifts. Ceremony, Yjjac fiingc hiding a beau- 
tiful face, makes you fufpe^'^iceitfclf of de- 
formity. •■ \' .. \ '.' ' 

■ CouKt. Do you hear,'Milc Dermot ? 

• MacD. My Lord! 

Ccuttf, See that thofc rafcals are more atten- 
tive! ■ - . - ■ ■ '"■■■■ 

■ Edm. Why, what Js the matter with you, 
Cbont? ~. .■,-;:;...- 

■ Coiin}. \^^0Terini'dh'd travn-fiig^ Count! 
Gijunt! " .:. • 
~' Edm. - You feem out of temper ! 

* Count: [Strngly feeling bis tmn mprepriety^ 
*0h dear!- No^No->— Up6n my honour, no !— ■ 
Ttou tdtalljflfiiftakr^— I afliireyou, you miftak<f. 
I^nvery gUd'lofcc you ! I am jnaced ! [faf- 
"iiig hint eagerly ^ the band."] 

Edm[\ I'm yeryglad you are, Though' you ■ 
"have an odd modrof! Biit 

. :i ■ y^ 


A <?OMEDY. , ^ 

jm are one oftheunaccountables t Cafb off this 

Ct^t. l/f/i^'} Very fine J [fii/nrj hiifHiefs\ 
-Formality, Sir ! 

E.4i». Give the heart ks zenuine flow !■* 
Throw away conftraint, and don't appear as If 
you were always oi» the tentnr-ho^ of imagl- 
pwy infult ! < 

Count, I ! \j^de] This is damn*d Imperti- 
nent ! {Struggling te be ovir/amiliar] You ea- 
xit^y mifconceive me I My charafter is frank 
and open ! No man has lef$ conftraim ! I even 
fiudy to be, as it were, fpontaneous ! 

ij/fli. Ha, ha, ha ! I perceive you do ! 

Coioit. Really, Sir \—^4^de] Docs he mean 

Edm^ I thought to have put you in a g od 

Count. I am in a good humour* Sir ! I never 
was in a better humour. Sir ! Nevpr, Sir ! 
'Sdealh! A good humour, indeed ! — Some little 
TC^rd to propriety, and fuch manners as good 
breeding prefcribes to gentlemen — 
'-' Edm Ha, ha, ha ! Well, well. Count, en*- 
deavour to forget the gentleman, and — 

Cowit. Sir ! Noj Sir : however you may 
think proper to a^ tlut. is a charaAer I fliaU 
never forget, 

Edm. Never, except at fuch nioments ait 
^efe^ I grant, Counu 

'Comt By — ! 

Edm, Well gulped ! — I had a. fort of a mef- 
fage ; but I find I muft take Tome other oppor- 
!tuQity,,w|ieayou are not quite in fo good a hu- 
jpoiu". IGmg"] I'll tell my fiftcrwhat— 




Count. Sir! — YourCfter! — My divine Lii- 
cy !— Ameff^e !, 

Edm. So ! The migic chwd is touched ! . 

.Count. Dear Sir, I— 1, 1, 1, — I am afraid I 
am warm.-^Your fifer you faid !— I doubt I— 
that b— 

Edm, Well, well, vaskt no apologies. 
. Courtt. . . Apologies ! No, Sir 1 — ^I did'aC 
mean— That is— yes— I— My Lucy ! My 
Lucy ! What meflage ? . 

Edm, Nay, I cannot well fay myfelf. you 
know the madcap,— She bade me tell you, if I 
happened \_SipiiJicanify'\ to fee you, chat Ihe wanted 
to give you a lefture. 

Count. Indeed ! [Jfide\ Vm leftured by ib^ 
whole family. [Jleud] On what fubjeft ? 

Edm. Perhaps youll take pet again ! ■ 

Count. I, Sir !— Take pet !— My fcnfe of 
pr^riety, Sii^Bitttig bis hpsJ] 

Edm, Why, ay ? Your fenfe of propriety, 
which, by the bye, my flippant fifter calls your 
pride, [^Ceunt ingreat agitatien'] is alwlays on the 
watch, to catch the moment when it becomes 
you to take offence. 

Ccunt. You — You are determined I ftiaH 
not want opportunities ! 

Edm. You miftake. Count— I have a friend^- 
(hip for you. — Why, what a forbidding ftare is 
that now ! Ay ! A friendQiip for you. 

Count. Sir — I— I am not infenfible of the*^ 
honour — 

Edm. Yes, you arc. 

Count. [IVitb over-aSted cmdefceKjiim] Sir, 
you are exceedingly miftaken ! Very exceed- 
ingly ! Indeed you are ! As I am a man of bonmir, 
7 there 


.. . -X COM B D.T.;. ^■. Sf 

there is no gentlenuui wh<Hn I fbould dunk jt 4 
ligher— that is^Upon my fool—! 

Sir PAtiL on the Stairs. 

Sir Psttl. Is the Count at homcj young man > 
: Ftotman. [Ff^itlmit'] Yes, Sir, ^ ,^ 

Edm. I hear my fether I We have hacl a fra- 
«m; I muftefcape! If you will come and liften 
10 my fifter's Iciturc, fo — Good-morrow ! \Exiti 
: Count. 'Tts infoRferable ! Never fure did 
nan of my iant mii the gapntlct thus I No re- 
fpe£t ! No diftinftion of pcrfons ! But with peo^ 
|»lc:c>f this-clafs *tis ever fq— Haii fellow well 
met .' 

Zn/er Sir Paiti. 

SmPauI. :A]e!:Hiilfellowwellih«t!Hayr 
Tou jolly dog ! [Shaking Hm heartify- bj tbi 

Count. Hem ! C3ood-*<jood-morrow, Sir ! 
{j4fi^!'\ Hci^ IS anocher fomily ledurer I 

Sir Paul. Was not Uiat young Mock-mo- 
defly that brufhed by me on the ^in i 
. Couni. It was your fan, Sir. 
. Sir PauL Good morning. Sir ! (Mimiciing} 
faid the fcoundrel, wai out of my reach* 
>— Dammee ! [With a kick'] I would have (hewn 
hinx the fliorteft way to the bottom I — ^Wcll— • 
Hay ! You have elegant apartments here I 

Caiaa. '{Wi^^ tontmpti Very indifferent, 
Sir ! , 

- . Sir Pbit/. I -(hall remain in town for a fort- 
aight^ and am glad you live fo pear — -We'll 
(lorm the wine-cellar !— I hear you are no flinch- 
fr !-r-Hay ! . When (hall we have a fet-to I 


,, 9[i THE SCHOOL TOR il^KboANCEi. 

. ffayi When.fliall we have a rory tory ? Acatcti," 
and a toaft, and a gallon a man 1— But— Hay ! 
— What's thp rtiatter ? — ^An?t yoo well ? 
f Count. {.fVitb fudden 4xeejs ^ i{ffal$lily1 Qh^ 
yes. Sir Paul! Exceedingly , weJl, Sir P4ul ! 
Never beKcr, Sir Paul I . 

Sir Paul. . Wliy, that's rigbt-r-I tbouglit yoit 
had been ftruck. dumb. * _ 

Count.. Oh ! By po mea^Sj Sir Paul ! 1. am 
very happy to ,f«c you ! Ejjt^giely hapfiy! Jb^ 
exprcflibly— i .,*,.:■"• ,:'..:. ' '. . ■ 

Sir Pittd. Iknewyou.woyid-^Whacfay-.yeiu 
to my Lucy ? Hay ! i . . 

Count. Say \ That the — She is a phcenix t 
[/« raptures.^ ■ ^ ■ ~ 

Svc Fauh :Datna3ie«,-fo (be;is! Whac is a 
ph«nix ?. ' . '■•■■■' 

Count^ I adore her \ ■ ,.;... 

Sir P«/. That's right ! ' 

Count, The day t£at makes her niine^ \rill 
be the ha^icft of my life ! ■ 

Sit Paul.. So it will-i-For 111 make youat 
drunk as an emperor ! Holio, there !— Get your 
Ulcer's hat;— iCome, coaac; you ihaU <£i)0 with 
inc. [Locking bim hy the arm.'] 

Count. . Sir ! , 
■ . Sir Paul. Dammee, I'll make yon drunk to* 
day ! : - 

Count. Did you fpeak to me. Sir ? 

Sir Paul. To you? Why, what the ddvil ! 
Do you ttiiok I fpoke to your footman ? {^it^ 
ihigtisarm.'\ r 

OiiiHt. [_/^ain endeavduringto h» affahle]0\^w>f 

Sir Paul \ No! I— Pardon me — 1 — 1 wasal^t. 



A COM£DT. 4t 

Sir Paul. Abfcnt t — I fmcU a rat — Your dig- 
nity took miff ! 

Cfcaw. No, Sir Paul ; by no means— No— 
I— That is-*-I will acknowledge, I am not very 
much accuftomed to Tuch familiarities. 

Sir Paul. Are you not ? Then you foon 
mull be. 

Cwnt. Sir ! 

Sir Patd. Ay> Sir ! A few le0bns from mc 
will cure you. ^ 

Count. Sir— I— 

Sir Paul* I am the man to make you throw 
•ff ! I'll teach you to kick your ftatelinefs down 
Hairs, and tofs your pride, as I do my wig, be- 
hind the fire. 

Count. Good breeding, Sir — 

Sir Paul. Good breeding. Sir, is a block-. 
head. Sir 1 None of your formal Don Glums ! 
None of your ^randfas for me ! A friend, good 
fellowlhip, and t'other bottle I That's my 
motto ! 

Cmim. People of ray rank diftinguilh— • 

Sir PauU Damn diliinftions ! 

Gaimt. They make it a condition, Sir- 
Sir Paul. Indeed t— Look you, my dear 
Count, either unbridle, or you and I are two. 
You tell mc you love my daughter — She is the 
fibcfl: girl in England ; and I believe the flue 
has taken a fancy to you. The match pleafes 
me, becaufe it difplcafcs my wife — And, ex- 
cept when you are riding your high horfe, 
I Jike you, Count.— Difmounc, and it's a 
match. — If not, turn the peg, and prance ! I'm 
your humble ! 

G Count, 



Count. [AJide] I'll not endure it 1 Racks 
(hall not make me bend to this \ 

Sir Paul, Lucy is a wench after my own 
heart 1— No piping, no pining, no fobbing for 
her ! I have a fine fellow in my eye — 
CoKftt. Sir ! {^Alarmed'] 
Sir Paul. None of your Sir Ramrod Grum- 
ble-gizzards ! 

Count, By Heavens ! I would cut the vil- 
lain's throat who Ihould dare impede my hap- 
pinefs ! 

Sir Paul. . Why ay ! Dammee, now you talk ! 
. Count. The lofs of my Lucy would render 
me the moft wretched of beings ! 

Enler Mac Debmot with the hat. 
Sir Paul. To be fure — [faking him again ly 
the arm^ Come, come ! [_Clapi the Count's bat on 
his hsad'J Dinner is waiting ! I fmell the 
haunch ! It, perfumes the whole ftrcet! Come 
along ! I hate the Ihackks of ceremony ! 
A iraoking table, and a repleniflied fide- 
board, foon put ail men on a level ! Your 
hungry and thirfly fouls for roe ! He that 
enters my hoiife, always depofiis his grandeur, 
if he has any, at the door ! [t?/»^j] 
*' This brown jug, my dear Tom, which now foams with 
mild ale." 

Mac D. Well faid, old Toby ! Oh ! {Rub. 
hing his bands.'] 
[^Exeunt. The Count making difconcerted attempts to 

prejerve his Jlalelinefs^ -aijhing to be familiar^ 

karcely knowing baw to behave, and Mac Der- 

mot enjoying bis embarrajfment. 





SCENE I. The drawing-rom ef Sir Paul 
Peckbam elegantly fmiAJhed, but hung all round 
vaitb frintSj chiefly caricatures. 

Edmund and Ltdia, 

Edm. T SHALL never recover from my 
\^ furprizc ! 

Lydia. Hufh ! 

Edm. The Count your brother ?— My fifter, 
my family, ihuft be informed. 

Lydia. Not on your life, Edmund. So impla- 
cable are his enemies, that my father informs 
me an Exempt, bribed by them, has followed 
him to England. 

Edm. Impotent malice ! The laws will here 
protect him. 

Lydia. Oh ! Who can fay ? The wicked cun- 
ning of fuch life-hunters is dreadful !— I infill 
therefore upon your promife. 

Edm. My Angel ! Fear iwJthing ! {jm/ing 
her band.'} 

Enter Lucy unperceived. 
. lucy. [Placing herfelf beftde Edmund] Turn 
about ! — Now me. [Holding out her hand} 

Edm. Oh filler ! I am the happieft of men ! 
G a Lucj. 



Ijuey. And you appear to be very bufy too^ 
with your happineTs. 

jE<i», Did you but know !— 

iMtj. Oh ! I know a great deal more than 
you fufpeft---Not but, you feem to be tafting 
meafures to inform the whole hcufe. 

Edm. Of what? 

iMcy. ^Placing herfelf hemeen tbea\ That 
you two are never eafy apart, 

Edm^ Sifter — I — I muft infift that you fpeak 
«f this Liidy with — with every refpeft ! 

Lucy. Brother 1 

Lydia. Edmund ! 

*• Lucy, linking ^rfi at one and then at tiff 
■-•*^'^] Stiapgc enough, this! 

" Edm. Were f to tcil you— 

** Lydia, [Jfide, and makittg Ji2ns\ Very well ! 

*« iacy. Telt me what ?^Why don't you 
« tell me ? ' 

" Edm. Pfliaw ! No DO-.-Nothing — I — I 
*' don't know what I am faying. 

*' Lucy. Why furely you don't imagine youp 
** fondnefs for each other is any fecret ?" 

Edm. Sifter! I don't underftand-r-Are yoii 
narrow-minded enough to fuppofe this young 
lady unworthy the hand of — 

Ijip. Of my brother ? — NofT-To call my 
Lydia Sifter [Takpig her band] is on^ of the 
things on earth I moft fervently wilh. 

Lydia, My generous friend I 

Edm. My charming girl ! 

Lucy. But — then — 

Edm. There are no*v no but's I It will be ai> 

honour — 1 fay, lifter, you — you don't know — » 

lii fbort I muft very earneftly folicit you to tteat 



A COM EOT. 4f 

Mifs Lydia with all fx^ble delicacy— T—T — t 
cannot tell you more at prefent— But I oace 
again requeft, I conjure, nay I-* 

Lydia, Hem I 

Jjicf. Hem !— Humph ! 

EJm. You— You underftand me, fifter. [Exit, 

Laty, Indeed I don't ! — There now goes 
one of your Lord and Mafters ! Take care of 
him ! He'll make an excellent grand Turk— 
\lhaimtufy hutUJqumg\ * Treat Mifs Lydia* 
* I fay, with all poffible delicacy'— And have U 
Lydia, hdve I (hewn » want of delicacy tq my 
friend ? 

: lydia. Oh, no ! My heart throbs with an 
oppreHive fcnfc of youf generOOs, your affec- 
tionate attention to me. 

Lucy. Oppreffive ?— Weill This is the 
prouddl world ! 

Lydia. Nay, I didn't mean— 

iMty. Oh I No xsAxXxt \ 

Lydia^ Have you had any converTadon with 
the Count } 

Litcy, No— There tea been no opportunity 
yet to>day-!-I am really afraid his pride is quite 
9S abfurd as that of my good Mamma ! 

Lydia. And your a^Aion be^s to cool. 

Lucy. Um — I— I can*t fay that— Heigho I— • 
He h^ his faults. 

Ly^. l/irdently] I hope he has his virtues 

ZMcy, So do I— But how to cure thofe &ult5 ? 

Lydia. If incurable, 'twould break my heart ! 

Lu^' Your ardor furprifes me 1 — But, hufh ! 
Enter Coust. 

^ount„ \Sovmg^ I was afraid. Madam, love 
a would 



would not have found fo much as a moment to 
■fpeak its anxieties — Nay <vea now — [^Looking 
baugbtily toward Lydfa.'y 

Lydia. [^Poiittedly, and almbfi in tearsl Sir, 
I — I am fenfible of my own unworthinefs. [£*(/. 

Lucy. That lady, Sir, is my friend. 

Count. Madam ! 

Lacy. Why are you furprifed ? 

Count. Madam ! — No — no, not furprifed— 
There is a maxim, indeed, which fays — Friend- 
fliip can only fubfift between equals. 

Lucy. But where is the inferiority ? 

Count. Madam ! 

Lu(y, You are above the poor, the pitiful 
idea, that wealth confers any claims ? 

Cbunt. Perhaps it docs not, Madam. But 
beauty, underftanding, wit, in ftiort, mindj con- 
fers ten thoufand ! And in thefe I never beheld 
your peer ! 

Lucy. Very prettily fpoken, indeed ! And 
I am almoft perfuaded that you love me very 

Count. Madam, I adore you ! 

Lucy. Yes, you arc continually thinking of 
my good qualities. 

Count. Eternally, Madam ! I think of no- 
thing elfe ! 

Lucy. True — Yoq n?ver remember your 
own ! 

Count, Were I totally infenfible of my own. 
Madam, I (hould be unwonhy of you. 

Lucy. You admire me even in my reprefen- 

latives, my relations and firiends ! Affable to 

all, good-humoured to all, attentive to all, your 

pplitencfs, eafe, and urbapity extend to every 



A CO MED T. 47 

perfon for whom you think my heart is any 
way inrerefted ! Your pai£ons are all fubfervient 
to love I 

Counts Yes, Madam ; fubfervient is the 
very word ! They are all fubfervient to love ! 

Luty, You never recoiled the digaity of 
your defcent, nor accufe mine of meannefs ! 
You have too much underftanding to plume 
your thoughts with turgid arrogance ; or to pre- 
fume on the imaginary merit of an accident, 
which none but ignorance, prejudice, and folly, 
are fo befoited as to attribute to themfelves ! 

Count. Mankind have agreed. Madam, to 
honour the deicendants of the wife and the 

iMCf. They havefo — But you have too much 
native merit to arrogate to yourfelf the worth' 
of others ! You are no jay, decked in the pea- 
cock's feathers ! You arc not idiot enough tQ 
imagine that a fltln of parchment, on which is 
emblazoned the arms and adls of one wife man, 
with a long lift of fucceeding fools, is any ho- 
nour to you ! Refponfible to mankind for the 
ufe or the abufe of fuch talents as you feel 
yourfelf endowed with, you think only of how 
you may defervc greatly ; and difdain to be that 
fecondary thing, that infignificant cypher, which 
is worthlefs except from fituation ! 

Count. The feelings of injured honour. Ma- 
dam, perhaps may be too irritable. They (brink 
from infult, and fpurn at contamination ! Yet 
honour is the fource of a thoufand virtues ! The 
parent of ten thoufand glorious deeds ! Ho- 
nouris generous, fincere, and magnanimous ! The 
protedor ofitinocence, the aflertor of right, the 



ivcnger of wrong ! Yes ! Honour is the patroi 
of arts, the jwotnoterof fclcncc, the bulwark of 
government, the defender of kings, and the fa- 
viour of nations! — Indulge mc then in chcrifhing 
a Icmitnent fo noble ! 

- Liuy. Indulge ? — Applaud, you mean ! Ho- 
nour with you never degenerates into oftenta- 
tion ! Is- never prefumptuous ! Is no boafter ! Is 
eager to earn, but fcorns to extort pre-eminence I 
Your honour is not that abjeft inflated phantom 
vhichufurps contefted claims, ex^s fubmiffion 
which it docs not merit, offends, irritates, and 
mcites difguft, nay tarnifhes even virtue itfelf I 
You do not, under the word Honour, feek 
a miferable cobweb covering fdr ezorbitaat 

Count. Madam, accufation fo pointed, fo — 
Lacy. Nay, now ! Have not I been reading 
your panegyric i 

Enter a Footmak. 

Foot. My lady defires you will come to her 
hnmediately, Madam. 

JLucy. Very well {^Exit Foetman']. — I am « 
Choughtlefs, flighty girl ! What 1 fay can have 
but little meaning— Elfe, indeed, 1 woidd have 
Tentured to have given you a word of advice— 
But— 'Tis no matter. 

Count. Madam, you have ftung me to the 
foul ! If I am indeed what you defcribe, 'twere 
time I (faould reform. 

Lucy. I muft be gone.— I liave> I cwn, been 
wildly pilfturing fomething to myfelf, which I 
greatly fear I could not love ! [^^''* 

CotaU. And is ic my likcaeft ?— Surely it 


5fiQDpt Ytf I— Coukl not love ? — E»cincta«ng 
thought! ? . lExit after Lucy, 

S/ifer Edmdkd, , ip hafie, osi L,tdi a frm M 
■ ■igf^er tbtfmhtr, meeting, 

Edm. Where is the Count ? 

Lydia. This momem gone— 
; Edm, [Eagerly] Which way ? 

Lydia. Through that door. 

Mdm, {Riumhgtfiofs at the deer] Ah ! 'Tis 
too l«e 1 The footman is telling him. 

. Lydia,. Why are you fo much alarmed ? 

E^, The clouds are coUeded, and the 
-fionn is coming! . . 

l^^a. What do you mean ? 

E^. Lady Peckham has watched her op> 
portunity : Sir Paul has dropt afleep in his arm- 
cluur ; fhe has ordered your tiftCT to her apart- 
ment* and has fent to the Count to come and 
fpcak with her ; that is, to come and be ihfuUed, 
here in the drawing>room. 

Lydia, Whtf can t>e done ? 

Edm. I know not— I dread her intolerable 

Lydia. Perhaps were you to retire, and, 
when they grow warm, to incerhipi them at the 
proper moment, the prefence of a third perfon 
might be fome reftraint on the workings of 
pride ; of the violent ebullitions of which I am 
m great apprehenfion. 

Edm. Had I but met the Count before he 
had received the mc:flage ! — ■. 

Lydia. Here comes Lady Peckham. Begone \ 
. - . . _ X^it Edmund, 

H Ent& 


Enter Ladf Fecku Ait, followed fy aFanma^ 

Foot. I have delivered your ladyftiip's mef- 
fage, and the Count is coming. 

Lady P. [Swelling^ Wery vrfl ! — Go you 
about your b\rfinefs, feller'— f£w* Foottnifn.y 
Your company is not vanted, nufs; ■ 

[Exif Lydia after' Edmund. 

■ ■ ' ■ ■ ' Enter Count, hoystng. 

Lady P. So, Sir ! They tells me, Sir, that 
you and my foolifli hufband are colloguing ro- 
gether,; for to marry my daughter ! Is this 
troo, Sir ? 

Count . [W~ttb bis ufual poliie bau^tinejsl If 
it werd. Madam ? 

Lady i". Do you know who -Mifs Looey 
Pcckham is. Sir ?. . . 

Cmnt. Not' Tery well. Madam. 
,:. Ladyf. SirJ ' ;.:.../■, 

Count. Except that Ihe is— your daughter, 

l^dy p. And do you knpw who I am. Sir ? 
- ; ■ Cednt, '. I tave been told. Madam — 

Lady P. Told; Sir ! Told ! Vhat haye 
you been told ? Vhat have you been told. Sir ? 
. Count. That your ladylhip was an honeft 
wax-chandler's daughter. 

Lady P. Yes, Sir ! The detbidy of his vard, 
.'Sir ! A common councilman, and city fword- 
bearer ! Had an aldermand's gownd von year, 
;Tus chofen fheriffthc next, and died a lord mayor 

« Cwnt. With all his honours blooming on 
. " his brow." 

Lady P. And do you know. Sir, that I de- 

figns Sir Sampocl Shecpy, Sir, an Englifli knigfit 



.A COMEDY. sj 

and barrowknight, for the fpoufe of my daugh- 
ter > A gentleman that is a gentleman J A pur- 
. Ton of honour and purtenfionsf and; not a papilK 
Jcfubitc ! . . . 

Count. Of his honoiirs and pretenGons I ain 
yet to be informed, Madam. 

I^y P. Vhat, Sir ! Do you mean for to fay, 
Sir>' or to infinivate. Sir, that. Sir Samooel 
Sheepy is not your belters ? 

Ceimt. If Sir. Samuel himfelf. Madam, had 
putfuch a queftion to me, I would have replied 
■with my fwbrd ; or, more properly, with my 

• ■ Lady P. Cane ! Wery veil. Sir ! i'U letSir 
Samooel know that you threatens to cane him ^ 
I'll take care to report you ! Cane quotha I He 
ihall talk to you ! ' * 

Ceimt. Let him, Madvn I 

Lady P. Madam I Madam ! , At every 
vord— Pray, Sir, do you know that Sir Paul 
Peckham has had the honour to be knighted by 
the King's own hand i 

Count. I have heard as much, Mad«m. 

Lady P. Madam, indeed !-:-And for you 
for to think for to look up to my daughter 1 

Count. Up, Madam ! .' '. 

L^dy P. Yes, Sir— Up, Sir !— Pr^y, Sir, 
vhat are your purtentlons ? 

Count. \_JVitb great agitatioTi] Madam!. ^ 

Lady P, , Wljo are yon. Sir ? Vhere do yoi^ 
come from ? Who kinows you ? Vhat parifli dq 
you belong to ? . ' 

Count. Madam, I am of a &mily known to 

hiftory, known to Europe, known to, tji? wholfi 

univerie ! ... • ■ 

" H» lady 



Ladyi". A'hl J bclitvrs you arc iettfcr 
known nur trtifted'! 

' Cbiiaf. ■Thcfiamcs oF Connolly and ViHat^ 
Madam, never before were, fo degraded at 
they ba-^ebmi In my j>erfon. 

Lady A Oh 1 Imakesnodbdbt'butyimarft 
a^jmrTon that vbu'ld'dtteurade any ftame ! ■ ■ ' 
'■^ount. InTuh like twiat I Iteve Ttcfcived fn*n 
vDi), Madam, ijQ man that bteaflifes'flioold utteri 
Jftd efcipe dcatIr*^But youarc— ^ ■ 

' Lady>. Vhat;'Sir? Vhat'Sml, Sir-? Vfeai 
am !■, Stir ? ■ - - ' ^ 

. County ^ woman. . ' 

'■■l^dyP.: A yonian. irideed ! Sir, I Totild 
have, ycrii to fctrow, 'Sir, -as 'how I am a lady! 
A lady, Sir,- 'of his Majefty^'owii making 1 And 
moreover. Sir, don't ypu gp for 'to flatter 'your- 
felfthat J fli^U bettOw the ■ hand and fortinof 
Iffii^'Loti'ty Pt?efchani upcfn airytteedy outlandifii 
eouht'Somebody-ndbody !' My daughter, SirJ 
k for ytjiir betttrt '! ■ 

Count i Madam, though fcurril — [^RuolkSiini 
him/elf ^^■(■scj. Madam, tliough fuch vul — fdch 
accufatibrts' are beneath all anfwer, yet I ntuft 
tell you that, 't^ tnarrying your daughrer, if 
after this I Ihould fink myfttffo low — I fay by 
marrying your daugh.tef, Madam, I Ihould con- 
ftr ap horjour on your family, as much fuperiof- 
td its^xpeftwidns, as thefpJcndourof-thc-glo- 
fiods fun is to the twinkling of tlje "wortmefs ' 
^lOW-worrti. ■ '■■.■•-■ 

Lady P. .Vhat !—Vhat '—[£;«/«■ EimBwioJ 
Mafry tijmeTip'! An'Infh 'French fcfriijcr ! Not 
fbgOOTas ^OiTdf Dur parilh -fcrpers ! And yon ! 
You ^urtend to compare yourfelf to the tiriited 

- • ■ ^ houfes 


Hoafes'of the Feddiama and die Pringles ! Your 
ikmity indeed 1 Yourn 1 Vhere's your fetde-* 
menti Yoam! Vosn't my gmt uode, Mr. 
Fecer Pringle, the cheefemonger of Cateatooi' 
ftreet, a major ia the Traia-Bands before yoa 
vus bern, or thotigbc X)fi 

Edm. [^^3 So, foiTm»olateI[^i«Q 
Jjet me catreat yoor Ladylh^>— 

L,ady P. Vhat [ Hasn't 1 an ownd fifter at 
this day married to Mr. Poladore Spragges, th« 
C^toppeft hoc-prefler in all Crutebed Friars 1 
lint my maiden atrnt, Mifs Angelica Fringle^ 
vorth thirty thoufand pounds, in the Sooth Sea 
funds, every day ibe rifcs ! And doesn't 1 my- 
felf go Co bed, and get up, the greatcft lady in 
this here d^? And for to punend for to i^k 
to me of his family ! Hisn ! 

£dm, [Very aeamif'^ I muft tell you, my 
Lady, you ftrangely forget yourfelf, and expc^ 
your fitmily to ndiaule. 

Lady P. You muft tell me. Sir ! Vhy , Sir, 
hov dare you have the temeracity for to come 
for to go for to dare for totdl me ! Here!8 fiht 
doings ! Henpecked by my own chidten ! 

EJm, The Count, Madam, is a man <^ die 
Hrft diftinSion, in his natiTe country .' 

Lady P. Vhat country is thatj Sir.? Who 
ever beacd of any coumry ^ut Ei^land? A 
Count unong beggars ! --How much is his 
CountfliipVorth ? . 

Omt, I had determined to be fAcntt-May 
dam, but 1 find it is impoffible ! {ff^ith vAmmt 
Vpluiility'\ And, I muft inform you,>my'faaiily 
is as ancient, as exalted, and as renowned, as 
you have proved yours to be-*MvhaL'I (hall jioc 
, repeat i 


repeat ! "Tljar I am the heir to more rich acre* 
tban^I believe, your Ladyftifp cwer rode over! 
That my father's yaffate are more! Qomerouithan 
your Ladylhip's vaunted guineas ! -That the 
m^oificeqce in which he has lived looked' with 
contempt on the petty paltry ftrainings of;« 
trader's jwiic I-^n-And that in his hall are daily 
fed — \StQpi Jhopt-i and betrays a cmJciDufnejiofhit 
adverteni faif^ood, butjuddetdy cofitinues with m- 
creafing vehemence] Yes, Madam,. are daily fedj 
now, at this moment, Madam, more faithful ad- 
herents, with theirmenials andfollowersy thanaM 
your boafted wealth could fora fingleyearfupplyf 
- Edm. Are f At this moment, fay you. Count? 

■ Count. Sir — -l-^X have faid. , 
. . Edm. . I know you co be a man of bonour, and 
thai you cannot fay what is not. 

Counti I- — I— 1 have faid, Sir. [IFalkmgwUb 
freat perturbation.'] 

Lady p. You have'iaid more in a nunute 
nor you can pi-ove in a year ! 

Edm. {H^armly'] Madam, I will pledge my 
■life for the Count's veracity. < 

Lady P. You plAdge ! Vhat do yoU know 
about the matter i Ttl pledge that he has been 
telling a pack of the moft monftrous — 
• Edr^. Forbear, Madam ! Such infult is too 
groTs to be enduned,.aimoft,from an angry wo- 
miinr! Dear Count-r- : 

Lady P. Voman again ! Wery fine I Weiy 
^fettyt !' Voman quotha ! To be called a vomaa 
by my own wirals ! . 

.Count, \_4fide'] What have I done !—[;if7/A 
^igotti] A lie ! 
- Lady P. A» for . yoq. Sir, I doesn't bcUeve 

7 yo" 


• ;A^COM ED T. ■ Jj 

Von ^rord you fay! I knows the tricks of fuch 
Iham (hevaleers as you too veil ! . 
- Count. \^H^alkiiig aivay/rem bir] -Torture! . 
' Ladyi*. But I'll takecaretohaveyoupro^ 
nofticated. i 

Count, [-^i/*] Damnation ! 

Lady P. I'll have you karakatoored in your 
trpo colours! I'll have .you painted in your fii- 
thcr's hall ; you and your vooden -ftioe (hrug 
and fnuffle fcare-crows ; "your half dozen lank 
" and lean thoncn herring (hadows; vith the 
•* light (hining through 'em, like parchment at i 
•' vorkfliopvinder; grinning hungeroveradilhof 
" fcrop-meegur, vith a fccond courfe of frogs; 
** and a plate of hedge-berries and crab apples 
"** for the deflert !" I'll depifter you ! I'll not 
forget your waflals ! 

Count, {/ifide] I can fupport it no longer. 

Edm. [Catches bim ly the band^ My dear 
Count — 

Qoimt. Sir! — I am. a diflionoured villain ! 

Lady P. There ! There ! He telh you liim- 
felf he is a willin ! His confcienee flies in his 
face, and he owns it ! ■ 

Edm. [M^itb great ardour and feeling'] Ma- 
dam ! He is a noble-hearted gentleman ! His 
agonizing mind deems itvillainy to fuffer infult ' 
fo grofs.— Sorry ami. Madam, tp be obliged to 
tell you that, humble though your family is, the 
difgrace with which you have loaded it is inde- 
■ lible ! With anguilh of heart you force me to 
repeat, I blutb while I liften to you ! [£xj/. 

lady P. Yhy who ever heStd the like o£ 


this here now ? Here's A prodigal fon I Hcre'y 
a regenerate reprobate ! Here's a gracelcfi Gog- 
magog ! To purtend as how he's aOiamed oi 
me ! MA ! A purfon of my carriage, connec- 
tions, and breeding ! I ! Whofe wery entrance, 
of a ball night, :puts Haberdifher's-hall all in a 
'OKnbiifUon ! 

Rfi-enter the Coukt, deep in thought, and mudf 

■ Ladyi*. ISeeinghia} Marry my daughter, 
indeed I — Faugh I [£«/ Utdy Ptckbam, 

Count. Into what has my impetuous anger 
hurried me ? — Guilty of feUehood ! — I ?— To 
recede is impoffible ! — What I Stand deleted 
before this city madatn ! Whofe tongue, itdi>- 
ing with the very fcrophula of pride, would ite- 
rate liar in my ear ! Not Falfehood itfelf isnoc 
fo foul !— Mac Dcrmot ! 

Enter Mac Dermot. 

MacD. My Lord! 

Cemt. Mac Dermot — I— You— You have 
heard of the ftate which formerly my fether 
held ,* of his houfehold grandeur, of the hinds 
and fervants whom be daily fed, and the train 
by which he was attended ! 

Mae D. To be fure I have, my Lord.-— 
Here, your dukes and your peers know nothing 
at all of ilyle ! Abroad, fome hundreds ftarre, 
that one may ate ! But, in EngUnd, they have 
learned the trick of atcb man ating for himfilf I 
■ Count. Piha ! Liftcn— Th&— The misfor- 
tunes that fince have befallen us Me little known 
in this country. -■ . ■- 


A C O M E D T. SI 

M^c D, To be fure they are not, my Lord. 

Cptmt. Nor — N — Hem ! — Nor would I have 
them — D-^D — D — a — Hem ! — Do you under- 
ftand me, Mac Dermor ? 

MacD. My Lord ! 

Count. I — [ — I wo,u!d not be expofed to the 
infolent taumsofupftart wealth. 

Mac D. Faith then, my Lord, you mud riot 
live in this city. 

Count. Nay, but — attend to me — I — I would 
—I would have them think— 

Mac D. - (^yffter •a>aiti>ig'\ What, njy Lord ? 

Count. [Traver/mg the jiage. Jinking bis forg' 
hs&d, and then returmvg\ Mac Dermot — there 
are fituations — I fay, it may fometimcs be wife, 
at leaft prudent — and — and — excufable — Have 
■not you remarked, Mac Dermot, that Lydia — 
'[_Short paufe.'\ 

Mac D. Oh ! To before I have remarked, 
my Lord, that the is a fweei crater ; that Mifs 
Liddy ! 

Count. Nay, but — Her influence in the fa- 
mily — 

idncT). Oh yes, my Lord. 

Count. Now— if — if — Suppofe you were— to 
take — an opportunity — Is ftie proud ? 

MacD. Mild as mother's milk, ray Lord ! 

Count. If (he were pcrfuaded — I fay — Our 
jamily misfortunes— That is — No — No — The 
,£HTiily magnificence — Do you comprehend me ? 

MacD. My Lord! 

Count, Pflia ! — Damnation ! \_Exit. 

MacD. [Stands Jotne time amazeJ'] Why, 
pow, am I Mac Dermot, or am I not ? — The 
jDivlel^He would have me take an opportu- 

I my 



liity with Mifs Liddy ! — Faith and I would 
very willingly do ihac — And perfqade her — Ohi 
Honey, but Ihe is not fo afy to be perfuaded i 
[Paa^j] To be fure he muft mane fotne-^ 
thing! [^Paufes agairt'j Oh! Horn mon dioul i 
But I haveit !— Ahoo ! What a thickfcull have 
I been, all this while !— He is a little bit 
afliamed to be thought poor, among this tribe of 
Balifarnians, who have nothing but their dirty 
guineas to boaft of — And fo he would have me 
perfuade — Oh ho l^Lei rqe alone. There (he 
goes! I will be after — Bo! FUiftration ! There 
is that Mr, Edmund, now, clofe at her heels ! — 
The young royfter is always getting the fwee^ 
crater up in a corner !^-Take an opportunity i 
Sarra the opportunity there is for me to take ! 




A- fc O M E D Y. 


: J5 G E N E, Tie CDuht'j Jpartment. 
^ft. DoRiMONT and Mac Dermot. 


PRAY, Sir, is the Count within ? 
Mac Di The Count, Sir ! And pray why 
hiay you aik ? 

Mr. Dor. I want to fpeak with him. Sir. 

Mac D. Spake ! Oh ! The Count is not fo 
afy to be fpOken with* Plafe to dehver your 
tneflage to me. 

Mr. Dor. Inform him I am come for an an- 
fwer to my letter. 

MacD. {Jlarmetf} Letter, Sir !— What ! 
The letter brought by a (habby footman ? 

Mr. Dor. Ay, ay-^Has he read it ? 

Mat D. Read it ! Faith, and it has been very 
well read ! But pray, Sir, now, are you the writer ? 
*■ Mr. Dor. I am. 

Mat D. [H^ttb dread^ Then take my advice t 
Make your efcape I — 'Tis very well for you my 
toafter is not at home ! 

Mr. Dor. [Smiling] Why fo ? 

Mac D. Why fo ? Man ^ive ! Have you a 
Blind to be murdered ? 
' Mr. Z)#rt Fear nothing. [Knociitig heard. 
I 2 Mac D. 



Mac D. [IVith increa/tng terror] By the hoty 
phia! but there he is ! — Why, will you begone 
now ? 

Mr. Dor. No — I will not; 

Mac D. Marcy upon my foul ! — For the 
LorJ'b fake. Sir !— Why, Sir, I tell you he'll have 
your blood ! And won't you begone now ? 

Mr. Dor. No, Sir. 

Mac D. Lord Jafus ! What will I do ? If 
he t'ocilcs into this room, iiere will be murder ! 

Mr. Dor. Go — Tell him I am waiting for him. 

Mae D. Me tell him ! — 1 wa:r you to begone ! 
Remimbcr, I \va(h my hands of your blood.— 
Make off !— Make off, I tell j'ou, while I go 
and keep him to his own apartment ! [£x(/. 

Mr. Dor, [3o a footman crcJJfngX Haik you, 
young man ! Tell the Count, your mafter, that 
the Ibanger, who wrote the anonymous letter 
to him, is here, waiting for an anfwer. 

Foot. Yes, Sir. lExit. 

Mr. Dcr. The fears of the fervant ftrongljr 
fpeak the anger of the mafter. — But that was 
what I partly teared, and panly wilhed; 

Count. \_^Enr aged without.'] Where is the rail), 
the audacious, [Enter Count] the infoient 
wretch, who — [J/tde') My father ! 

Mr. Dor. I fcarcely could havecxpeded fo 
kind a welcome, Sir ! 'Tis exemplary ! 

Ccunt. Paffion, Sir, is fometimcs guilty of 
improprieties — Pray pardon me! 
[Enter Mac Dekmot, behind, in trepidation. '\ 

Count. I imagined — [Seeing Mac Dermot] How 
now, Sir ! Begone ! 

Mr. Dir, Why fo ? Let him ftay I 

Coftnl. Begone, or !— 

z }Ax.Dcn ' 



Mr. Dor. Stay, I fay ! 

Count. And do you hear — I am not at honje. 

Mac D. i4fide, and going] Oh Lord ! 6b 
Lord ! Here wilt be murder ! \_Exit, 

Mr. Dor. What fhould that mean. Sir ? 

Count. Sir ! — -There are reafo'ns — I ought 
not to expofe my father's fafety. 

Mr. Dor. Rather own, you ought not to 
blu{h at your father's poverty ! ' Is this my re- 
ception ? This the warm welcome of a duteous 

Count. 'Tis fo fudden — Yet my h«art feels 
an afFeftion— 

Mr. Dor. Which is ftiiled by your vanity ! 
Your father is contemned, becaufe he is unfor- 
tunate ! " 

Count. No, Sir. I do not merit a reproach 
fo cruel. Contemn my father ! You know me 
not. — Tell mc, which way can I prove my re- 
fpeft and love ? 

Mr. Dor. By openly acknowledging me : 
not by concealment ; not by difavowing me in 
the day of mydiftrefs ! 

Count. Think, Sir, of your own fafety ! 

Mr, Dor. What danger is there with peo- 
ple of honour ? Prefent me to the family of 
Sir Paul. 

Count. Impoffible, Sir I 

Mr. Dor'. l^Stfrnly'] Impoffible ! 

Count. Let me conjure you not " to be too 
precipitate. You know not the vulgar pomp of 
new-made gentry ; whofe fufFocating pride treats 
indigent merit, nay, birth itfelf, with the moft 
imperious difdain ! 

Mr. Dor. Talk not of their pride, but of 


your own ! You complain of others haughti- 
Bcis ? You ! In whom the vice is fo intolerable* 
l(hat you willingly would difown your father ! 
Ccmt. Sir, you wrong me. 
Mr. Z>(Sr. But, derennined to be known for 
what I am', fince you refufe, I'll introduce myfelf* 
Count. For heaven's fake, Sir ! ] oitreat ! 1 
ftipplicate ! On my knees, I conjure you to for- 
bear ! 

* Mr. Dor. Yes; pride, . kneeling, conjures a 
father in poverty to fuffer himfelf to be dif- 
daimed ! Your mother's pride was my houfe's 
downfal : this Ih^ has bequeathed to you ! 
Comt. S\r—lStarts up at bearing] 
Sir Paui. {ff^itboKt'] I tell you, I know he is 
at home ! 

Mac D. Iff^tbeat] Upon my foul. Sir 
Sir Pau/. Zoutids! Why I faw him ftom 
tny own window ! 

Count. \^j4larmed] Here is Sir Paul ! You 
know not. Sir, how mnch is at ftake ! I havrf 
not time to tell you now ; but let my intrca- 
ties — ! 

Mr. .Dsr. Oh! How humble are the proud ! 
But remember, I confent only on condition that 
you reftrain your arrogance. If, while I am 
prefeni, any fymptom — [Retiring back.'] 

Enter Sir Paul. 
Sir Paul. 'Sblood ! I knew you were ai 
home I But to inftruft fervants how to lie, witb 
the moft cool, compofed, and barefaced im- 
pudence, is one branch of modern education. 
Ct^tt I am forry, Sir Paul. 

Sir Paidt 


A C O M E D T, 63 

Sir Paul, Plhaw ! Damn apologies. I have 
good news for you. 

Count. Sir ! . . 

Sir Pfl»/. I do believe, (God forgive me !) 
^hat my wife is growing reafonable ! 
Count. Does (he confent ? 

Sir Paul. Yes — To permit you to aik hee 

Count, Sir ! Aflt pardon ? 

Mr. por. ^^Advancing] Yes, Sir ; aJk par- ' 
don. . ... 

SirPaa/. Hem!— [^<^f] Zounds! Again! 
T!— Why, what the plague can he da here ? 

Mr. Der. Your fervant, Sir. 

Sir Paul. Sic^ your very humble, 

Cvunt. [Afidtt and alarmed'] What can thtt 
mean ? 

Mr. Dor, You feem furprifed, Sir. 

Sir Paul. Yes ! You have a trick c£ taking 
people by furprife. 

Count. [^AJide] Does he know him ? 

Sir Paul. IJJtde, and then to the Count] Odd 
cnoiigh ! — Who is this queer old fellow ? 

Count. lA/ide} All is fafe \—[JIoud] Sir, 
the — the — gentleman [^</?] What fhall I (ay? 
[To Sir Paul^ A gentleman, Sir, who — 

Sir Paul. A gentleman ! 

Count, Yes — That is— 

Sir Paul. What, fome poor relation, I fup- 

Count. Yes, Sir— A relation— The— the fa- 
fnily eftat^s have been under his manage* 

Sjr Paul. Oh ! Your (leward ? 




' &>ant. No— Not abfoiutcly my — my fte^flf- 
ard — 

Sir Paul. What, your land-baillfF, then ? 

Count. No, Sir — No — That is — 

Sir Paul. Does not feein to have made his 
foitune by his office I A little weather-beaten. 

Count. He is a man of the ilriAeft probity, 

Sir Paul. Nay, his appearance is the pledge 
of his honfcfty ! 

Mr. ZJor. [-^<l!e] I can perceive he is prac- 
tifing deceit ! Oh vanity ! But I will reftrain 
my anger. The moment of open puniftimcnt 
is not yet come. 

Count. [CroJJing to bis/atbeA Let me requeft 
you. Sir, not to reveal yocrfelf. 

Mr. Dor. {_Dri^1 Well, Sir. 

.QouTit. ' [Returning to Sir P«uC\ His oecono- 
■my and good management are equal to hj^ 
fidelity.. ... 

Sir . Paul. \_4fi^^^ Confounded odd aU this, 
though ! \Alotid'\ Well, Count, I have exerted 
my whole authority with Lady Pqckhani ; and 
her fon Edmund, who has more influence over 
her than any body elfe, is your ftiend. So b^ 
wary, do your duty, and the day is yqur own. - 

Count. My duty, Sir ! 

Mr. Dor. Yes, Sir. Your duty, Sir. 

Sir Paul. [JJitie] A damned ftrange fellow i 
\^j4lou(f\ Is it not your duty. Count, to fcrv« 
yourfelf ? 

Mr. Dor, And would you contend about a 
word ? 

Sir Paul. Very true. Sir ! — You ffeem a— a 
plain fpoken— a — ^Hem ! 

Mr. Der^ 


A C O M E D T. tfj 

Mr.Dor. ISigfiifieamly] Yes! I think it wy 
duty to tell vice, and folly, the truth. 

Sir Paul. Heth I— You hear, Count ? 

Mr. Dor. His punailious pride is contempt- 
ible I 

Ceuttt. [Half/orgeiting bim/fl/] Sir ! . 

Mr. Dor, And Sir ! — 1 repeat : do your 
duty. Sir. 

Sir Paul, {/iJtde\ The moft unaccountable ! 
Hem I— 

Cotmt. [4fi^} I am on the rack ! He will 
betray himfclf. 

Sir Paul. [3*0 the Count'] The old genlle- 
man does not mince matters ! 

Count. \_Afide to bis Father'] You will ruin 

Mr. Dor. Db as he requires, or I will feign 
no longer. 

Sir Paul. Lady Peckham is expe£ting you. 
Come, come ; try whether you cannot put on a 
winning fubmiffive air. 

Cemt. [4fide-\ I (hall burft ! 

Mr. Dor, SubmiJTive, Sir I— Remember I 

Count. I (hail not forget. Sir ! 

Sir Paul. You approve my advice, don't 
you. Sir ? 

Mr. Dor. Entirely. The Jeflbn you give 
him> Sir, is a ufeful and a neceSuy one. I 
know him ! 

Ceuttt. {_4fide'\ Fiends ! 

Sir Paul. What, Sir — You— have lived Ipng 
in the femily ? 

Mr. Der. Sir ! 

SirPauh Nay, don't be affronted ! 

K Count. 



Cm»/. [To Sir Paull Let us begone. Sir! 
1 am ready to attend you. 

SirPauL [JJide'\ The blunteft, droUeft— I 
■ Count. Weare lofingtimc, Sir. 

Sir Paul. Well, well ; in a moment. [fV 
Mr. Dorimofjl'] Pray, under favour, what may 
be the amoypt of the Count's. rent roll ? 
Mr. Dor. Sir! His rent roll, Sir ? 
Sir Paul. Ay, his rent roll — The nett pro- 
duce of his eftates ? 
. Mr, Dor, Why that queftion to me. Sir ? 

Count. [ Comivg between them'\ For heaven's 
fake, Sir Paul, let us go. 

Sir Paul. 'Sblood ! What a violent hurry 
you're in all of a fudden ! 

Count. [^Ennfeavouring to force bim away"^ Lady 
Pcckham is waiting, Sir. I beg, I entreat — 
, Sir Paul. \_yyide'\ Themyltery thickens ! ; 
Mr. Dor. Pray, Sir, has the Count — 
Count, [Interrupting] For the love of mercy, 
Sir, anfwer no queftions ;. hear none, aik none 1 
I am frantic ! 

Mr. Der. [To the County Silence, Sir ! [7« 
Sir PauQ Has the Count ever talked of bis 
eitates ? 

Sir Paul. Oh yes. 
: Count. [^<^f] Damnation! 
I Mr. Dor. And told yoii the amount ? 
Sir Paul. No — no — But, as you — 
Count. I muil infift. Sir, on going. [To Sir 
.fa*/.].. . ■ 
■ ' Mr. Dor. I'm not prepared. Sir, juft now 
to anfwer your queftion, of; die rent roll. I 
have buiinefs, and muft "leave you ; but I will 


A C O M E D T. 6} 

ihortly give you the ' information you require. 
In the mean time, young gentleman, think on 
what has paflcd ! Obferve Sir Paul's' advice, 
and a& as becomes you. Put off your vanity — * 
Be humble, and know yourfclf. [£»/. 

Count. \_Jfide fervently^ Thank heaven he is 

Sir Paul. Your fteward is an odd one ! 

Count. Sir — I — I tell you he is not my fteward. 

Sir Paul. No ! 

Count. No, Sir. 

Sir Paul. What is he then ? 

Count. Sir — I— 

Sir Paul. I thought you taught every body 
to keep their diftance ; but he treats you with 
AS little ceremony as — \^4fi^'^ as he did me. 

" Count. Yes, Sir ; people do take very 
unaccountable liberties. 

'* Sir Paul. ' But what brought him here ? 

" Count. Sir— He— Bofinefs, Sir. 

" Sir Paul. Oh, the family eftates. 

** Count. And pray. Sir, what do you know 
" of him ? 

" Sir Paa/. I— Nothing. 

" Count. You appear to be acquainted. 

*' Sir Paul. Um — No, no. 

*' Oiunt. You had feen him before; 

" SirP<j«/. Hem ! Yes, I had feen him. Come, 
*' let us be going. 

" Count. But permit me to afk. 

** Sir Paa/. Pihaw!"Come, come — Lady 
Peckham is waiting. 

Count. I mull o*n, Sir Paul, I meet with 

many mortifications. Your daughter is an ange'. 

But ** there are certain things to- which a man 

K % « of 



^' of my rank muft not, cannot ftoop. Do yOii« 
*' Sir Paul, come to an agreement with your 
i* lady, and 1 am ready .r-^CalW} Mac Der- 
•' mot ! — I'll renirn in a moment. [^Retires."] 

" Sir Paul. Now, if the demon of- amWtion 
** did not poflefs me, I (hould never truckle to 
"the ielf fufficient airs of this maji of rank ! 
" He has put a fpell upon mejj^ril break with 
5* him this moment — Yet, if 1 do that, all a 
*' over. My authority is gone ! Madam will 
•* be triumphant; and then ^ewel to fubmif- 
•• fion ! — Befide, the honour of the alUance ! 
" Nobiiicy ! Precedence ! A fwnily fo famous! 
** 'Sblood 1 Who knows but my grandfon may 
" be a Marihal of France ? {Yo the Count, who 
** re/umsj Come, come, Count ; let us begone. 
" You muft make your peace with my Ma- 
•• dam." 

Comt, Solicitation, Sir Paul, does not be- 
come me ; it is a thing I have not been accuf- 
tomcd to. Do you fpcak for me. Say all, fay 
every thing you pleafe. Your mediation will, 
I prefume, be fufficient. 

Sir Paul. [_^ite angry"] Damn me if this is 
not beyond all human patience ! After aH I 
have done in your behalf ! What! Would you 
have me and my whole family approach your 
ibotdool, there prefent my daughter, and kneel- 
ing beg your highnefs to accept ber^ No, my 
haughty Count ! Either my daughter is worth 
aflcing for, or not worth having. Carry your 
pomp to a better market i I'll ftoop to it r6 
longer. Your fcrvant. Sir! {Exit. 

■ CfUMt. [Fellowiag] Nay, Sir Paul— Muft I 
endure this ? Muft 1? — I ! The dcfcendant of an 


a: G-^medt. ^ 

ancient -race! The rightful lord of athoufand 
vaflals! " Chjgh: I eo cringe in fuppKcatory 
** bafenefs, ufe fervile difhonourable adulation, 
** b«id to fufflated wealth, aft the psrafite to 
*» new-fledged pride, and petition wberc I 
*' fhould command? Noi Earth fliou!d hide 
•* me racher ! But that love, imperious love 
*' hurries me forward, with impulfe irrefiftible !" 
What ! Wait, and fawn on Madam, and mince, 
and fimper, and aft the fldpjack, and chatter to 
her parrot* and be of her opinion, and fetdi 
and carry, and praife her tatle, and join her 
fcandal, and laugh when (be laughs,- and kifs 
her monkey ! — And to whom ?— -Oh ) [_Exit, 

SCENE ebanges to tht Heu/e of SikFaul 


Mac Dermot, and Ltdia. 

Mac D. Oh, yes ! Stabling for a hundred 
horfes ! Open houfe all the year ^>out ! Sar- 
vants five and twinty to the fcore j all making 
work for one anocher ! 

Lydia. Then the Count, your niafter, flioutd 
be iinmenfely rich. 

Mac D. Should be ? To be fure he is. 
Don't I tell you — 

I^a. Yes; you tell me one tlung-at night, 
and another in the morning — You had forgottea 
the Colonel's pay !— And the fecretfupplies ! 

Mm D. [j^de'\ Faith, and fo I had! 

Lydia, And pray was this all your own in^ 
mention ? 

M§( D. Why, as to dut — And is it me, 

now, that yoa would hive to bearay my mafter } 




Lyditt. What, then, he bid you fpread this 

Mac D. V^rrah now, did I fay diat ? — Did 
I fay that ?— I tell you he bid mc tto fuch thing ! 
— What, -and did you think, now, you could 
get that out of me ? By St. Patrick, but I would 
bite off my tongue, if it fbould dare to blunder 
out one word againft fo good a mailer ! — 

hydia. \_Afide\ Honeft, affciSionate fellow ! 

Mac p. \Afide^O\i\ Blarney! — She wants 
to be too cunning for mc, the fweet crater ! And 
fo, for fear of— Mifs Liddy, your fervani. 


Lydia. I almoft love him myfelf, for his love 
to his mafter. 

Ettttr Sir VAVLyfeUowed by Edmumd. 

Sir Paul. I tell yoa, I have done with him. 
He is a pompous, infolent coxcontb ! The 
Great Mogul- hirafelf is a fool to him ! 

£dm. AH men have their foibles. Sir. 

Sir Paul. Damn his foibles. I have enough 
to do with my own ! And, do you hear. Sir ? 
[Signifiiantly~\ Don't let me be troubled with 
any of your foibles eidier ! You underftand me. 
\^Leekitig at htb] I'll not be crified with. [£xi(, 

Lydia. What has put him into fo ill a hu> 
mour ? ^ 

Edm. The curfed fupercilious haughtinefs of 
the Count. He. has infuhcd Sir Samuel .Sheepy, 
ipo I 

" Lydia. ■ I am forry forit ; but that's a trifle 

" Edm. ■ You afe miftaken. Sit Samuel's 
*' it(cjatm^ax, isjV.ery higlj j .^nd, ootwithftand- 
.- ,. 5' " . "ing 


■ A C O M E D T. - 7*. 

*< ing the ferviticy of his manner, is more to be 
■• apprehended than you imagine. 

." Lydia. Surelyyoudonotcxpedachallenge? 
. " Edm. Nay, my love, I would noc wifli to 
** terrify you. 

** Lyditu But you have terrified me !" 
Enter Lucy. 

Lttcy. Well, brother, have you fucceeded 
with my mamma ? 

Edm. I believe fo — I can't tell — Where is 
the Count ? ■ 

Lucy. I hear him on the ftairs. 

Edm. Well, warn him to be Careful. 

[Exit with chagrin.' 

Ltt0. What's the matter ? 
" Lydia. The old ftory ! The Count^s pride. 
If he Ihould quarrel again with Lady Peckham, 
all will then be over ! 

Dicy You have put me quite in a tremor ! 

Enter the Count. Bows. 

Lucy. [Going] I will inform my mamma, 
Sir, that you are here ; and (he will be with 
yog immediately. 

Count. May I not, Madam, be indulged 
with one previous word ? 

Lucy, Yes, Sir j one, and but one. Inftead 
of conciliating, I Hnd your manners ofFend and 
difguft every one. kither caft away your bau- 
ttUTy regain the afFeiftions and confent of my 
friends, and above all make your peace with ■ 
Lady Peckham, or this fliall be the laft meet- 
ingeiour lives ! {Exit. 

Lydia. Are you aware, Sir, of your danger ? 
Sir Samuel, Sir Paul, Lady Peckham, all af- 
■' fronted I 


7* THE SCH6(5L FCftl j«tRe»GANCE: 

fronttd • Nay your beft friend, Edmnnd, bit 
this moment left the room to avoid you ! Oh I' 
Think on that lovely lady !' And if you have 
SnyaflfciKon for her, for yourfelf, or for your 
father — recall your reafon, difcard your folly, 
and a£l with a little common ftnfe ! [£«//, 

Count. This is- ftrange ! — My father ? — She 
know mfhihet ? — And why am I fchooled and 
tiuorcd thus?*" What have I done? What is 
•• it they expeft from rte ? — Do I indeed offend 
** and difguft? — Which way ? Has not love ini- 
** duced me to overlook all the high' diftinftions 
** which honour holds facred ? Nay, am I not 
" DOW come on the mofl abjoft of errands ?— , 
" Yet, to lofe her — !" The laflr meeting of our 
lives! — They will abfolutely drive me mad 
among '^n ! 

Enter Lady Pegkham. 

Count. Madam [Botving]—^ hen I laft had 
the honour— of a — an interview with your lady- 
(hip, I — 1 am afraid — I might pofTibly be inad- 
vertently betrayed into — fome warmth. 

Lady P. Vhy, Sir, feeing as how my Ion 
tells me you are a real nobleman, and not von 
of the rifraff fortin hunting fellers, if fo be as 
you thinks fit to make proper ^logtes, vhy. Sir, 

Ccvnt. To a lady. Madam, every apology 
may be made. Any conceflions therefore — 

Lady P. . Oh, Sir, as for that there, I rants 

nothing but vhatis right and downright. And 

I fuppofeS) Sir, you are wery villln to own that 

an outlandilh foriner muft think himfelf highly 



A COMEDY. .73 

tonoured, by a connexion with an Englilh fa- 
mily of diftin<Etioa. Becaufe that I am lure you 
cannot deny. And that it vlis a moft perump- 
tery purceedin in you, being as you are but a 
Frenchman, or of an Irifti generation at beft, to 
portend to the hand and for'tin of Mifs Looey 
Peckham, vithout my connivance. 

Count. Madam ! 

Lady P. . As I tells you, Sir, I am upright 
and downright. So do you, or do you not ? 

Count. Madam — ! I am r-eady to acknow- 
ledge that the charms of your daughter's mind, 
and perfon, are equal to any rank ! 

I^dy P. Her mind and purfon, indeed ! 
Ko,,Sir IJHer family and fortin ! — And I be- 
lieves. Sir, now you are come to your proper 
fenfes, you viU own too that no outlandi{h lord, 
vhatevcr, can uphold any comparagement vitli 
the Peckham family and connexions ! . 

Count. [fVith great warmth and rapidity'^ 
Madam, though 1 am ready to offer" every ex- 
cufe whicb can reafonabty be required, for any 
former inadvertency ; yet, Madam, no con- 
iideration vfhatever (hall lead me— r-I fay. Ma- 
dam, my own honour, a fenfe of what is due 
to my anceftors, myfelf, and to truth — that is. 
Madam — No ! The world, racks, (hall not 
force me to rank my family with yours. 

Lady/*. Vby, Sir! Vhac is it that you 
are talking of? Rank my family vith yourn, 
indeed ! Marry come up ! No, to be fure ! X 
fay rank ! 'I knows wery veil vhat is my doo : 
^nd that there, Sir, is the thing that I voutd 
have you for to know ! And I infift upon it, Sir, 
that you {hatl know it; and thallown that you 
" ■ - L knows 



knows it ; or. Sir, I rewoke every thing I have 
condefcended to fpecify vith my fon ! So do 
you. Sir, or do you not ? 

Couttt. Madam — What, Madam ? 

Lady P. Do you depofc, that outlandifH 
foriners are aU. beggars, and jlaves ; and that 
von Englilhman is vorth a hundred French- 
men ? 

Ceunf. Madam— Whatever you ple*fe. 

Lady P. Oh ! Wery veil \ — And do you 
purdiift that this here city is the firft city in tht 
•whole vorld ? 

Count. I — I believe it is, Madam. 

Lady P. Oh! Wery veil! — And|that the 
Moniment, and the Tower, and Lununbridge, 
are moH magnanimous and fuperfluous build- 

Count. Madam- 
Lady P. I'll have no circumbendibus 1 Are 
they, or are they not ? 

CoBnt. Your ladylhip is pleafed to (ay fo. 

Lady P. To be fure I -does ! Becaufe I 
knows it to be troo ! And that the wretches in 
forin parts are all fed upon bran ; feeing as how 
ihere is no corn ? 

Omnf. As your ladyfhip thinks ! [^Boms.'] 

Lady P. And thatHhe whole country could 
not purwide voD Im-d mayor's feaft ? 
■ Cmni. I— Certainly not. Madam : they have 
few turtle and no aldermen. 

Lady P. Ah 1 A pretty country, indeed ! 

No aldermen 1 And that it vould be the hite of 



A • C O M E D T. 75 

porfi«nption, in you, for to go for to fet your- 
f?lf up as my equal ? Do you own that ? 

Ceitnt. [Paffiottately\ No, Madam ! 

Lady P. Sir'' 

Count. No fofce, no temptation ftiall in- 
duce me fo to diflionour my great progenitors ! 

Lady P., Vhy, Sir ! 

Count. My fwelHng heart can hold no longer I 
Honour revolts at fuch bafenefs ! Patience itfclf 
cannot brook a fallacy fo glaring! No! Though 
dcftruition were to fwallow me, I would affert 
my houfe's rights, and its fuperior claims ! 

Lady P, Wery veil, Sir ! Waftly veil, Sir ! ■ 
And I vould have you for to know, Sir, vhile 
my name is my Lady Peckham, I vill dilfert my 
houfes rights, and claims ! That I defpifes all — 1 
Ha, ba!— Hal Wery fine, indeed ! Am I to be 
fent here to be heftored, and huffed, and bluffed, 
and bullied, and bounced, and bluftered, and 
brow-beat, and fcofTed, and fcouted,*antl — ! 

Count. [Recovering bis temper and interceding] 
Madam — 

Lady P. la brought my hogs to a fine 
market ! But I'll let 'cm know who's at home ! 

Count. My warmth. Madam — 

Lady P. Your honour and glory, indeed ! 
And for to purtend for to fend for me here, to 
palaver me over as I fuppofed 

Count, l,am ready to own. Madam — 

Lady P. But I'll rid the houfe of you ! I'll 
take good care you fliall have no daughter of 
mine ! You may poft off to your father's lull, 
and there ftarve in ft^e. Varm it with a blaze 
pf dried leaves, and Hop up the gaps in the 
L % {battered 


Ihattercd vinders, and old groaning doors, virh 
clay; then fend your Ihivering waflals, that- 
ftand jabbering behind yoqr von armed vooden 
chair, to ikin the Dicep that died of hunger and 
the rot, to make you a varm vinter furtout ! 
Count. [Still interceding'] Madam — 
Lady P. My daughter, indeed ! I'll kara- 
katoor you ! [£«V. 

Count.- Flames and fury ! [Fellewtttf;, is met 
ly Sir Samuel Sbeepy, who Jhuts the door after him, 
and will notjuffer the Count to fafs.'] How now, 
Sir!_ , . 

Sir Sam. [^Bozving] Sir, your humble fer-. 

Count. What does this mean. Sir ? Let me 
pafs I , . 

Sir Sam. A word or two fiift, if you pleafc. 

Count. Let me pafs ! {^Putting his band to bis 

Sir Sam. \^Bowing, hut refolutefy guarding the 
^oer'] Sir I muft humbly entreat — 

Count. Damnation ! — What is it you want 
with me, Sir? Who are you. Sir ? 

S\r Sam. My name is Slicepy, Sir. [Bowing.'\ 
Count. Sheepy ? lAfide'] So, fo, To 1 Hell 
and the devil ! At fuch a moment as this ! 

Sir Sam. I am (old. Sir, I have foaie obli- 
gations to you, which it becomes me to dif^ 

Ccunl. Well, Sir. 

Sir Sam. Not quite fo well, Sir^- as I could 
wifh. \_Bowing.'\ 

Count. \_/IJ>de'] Was ever man fo tormented ? 


A C O M E D Y. 7y 

Sir Sapi. I am informed. Sir, that you h»v« 
eondefcended to mention me, in my abicncc. 
CouTit. And fo. Sir ? 
Sir Sam. You did me an honour. Sir. [^Baw~ 

Count. Either fpeak your bufinefs, and fuf- 
fer me to pafs, or I will nail you to the door ! : 

Sir Sat». Dear Sir, you arc fo warm ! [fiew- 
ing] — I have beert told you were fo good as to 
threaten to cane me. 

Ceunf. Ay, Sir ? By whom ! 

Sir Sam. By Lady Peckham, Sir. 

Ccufit. Indeed ! — ^Well ; fuppofe ir. 

Sir Sam. 'Twas kind of you ! — Unluckily, 
I have not been much ufed to threatening mef- 
fages, and am really afraid I fliall not be very 
prompt at fubmiffion. - ■ 

Count. Oh, do not doubt yourfelf, Sir. 

Sir Sam. Humble though I am, I do noc 
find that a fwaggering look — [5ow/m^.] 

Cfiuat. Sir ! IfFitb his band to his-fword."]. 

SirSam. Moderate your anger, "kind Sir — 
I have a petition to you. {^Putting on bis white 
• Count. Damn your fnecr. Sir ! Speak ! 

Sir Sam. Blefs me, Sir ! You are fo warm ! 
It is only that you would kindly do me the fa- 
"vour either to cut my throat, or fufFer me to 
cut yours. \_^Draws andfiouriJhesSy 

Count. \_U^fth bis hand to Us/word'^ Are you 
mad, Sir ? ' Do you recoUeiS where you are ? Iq 
whdfc houfe ? 

Sir Sam. Gadfo ! True, Sir ! I thould be interrupted — Luckily, my carriage 
is at, the/door ; and I know a fniig room in a 
' ■ neigh- 



neighbouriag tavern, wbere this buGDcfs may 
be efieftually fettled, as quietly, as coolly, axiA 
as privately as poffible. 

. Count. 'Twere well for you. Sir, had you 
chofen another opportunity— But come • 

Sir Sam, Oh ! Sir ! I know my place — Aft«r 
you! [fiflwj.j 

OuHf. Away, Sir I [^Exeimt, 

SCENE changes to the CoontV ^fyartment^ • 

^ confiderahle neije of hafiy fcotfieps without , and 
voices atjome aiftance calling — ' ' Here ! Here ! 
—This way ! — Up, up !— ^Follow !" 

Enter Mr. Dorijiont, abruptly, 

Mr. Dor, I am purfued, befet, and cannot 
efcape '. 

£ff/<r Mac Derhot. 

MacD. Blood and thunder! Why what's 
all this ? Oh ! And is it you, Sir ? 

Mr. Dor, Where is the Count ? 

Mat D. Faith and that is more than I can 
tell. {_Noife approaching — *• Here, here, I tell 
"you! This room !} Why what the divle — ! 

Mr. Dor. I am hunted ! My liberty, per- 
_ haps my life, is in danger ! 

Mac D. Why fure the Count would iioij— 
. Mr. Dor, Here ! Take, hide this packet 
from the eyes' of my purfuers ! Don't lofe it; 
but, if you have any fenfe of worth and honef- 
ly, deliver it fafe into the hands of Sit Paul 
Peckham ! 




MacB. Niverfear mc, honey. 
Enter an 'Exempt, and two Bailiffs. 

Mxempt. That's Ac man. Seize him ! 

Firfi Bail', Sir, you are our prifoncr. 

Mr. Dor. On what authority. Sir ? 

Firft Bail. Authority, Sir ? The authority 
of law. Sir. 

Mr. Dor. For what crime ? 

Firfi Bail. As to crime. Sir, I can't tell ; 
but for a trifling debt, of fifty thoufand pounds. 

Mr. Tier. At whofe fuit f 

Exempt. At mine. Sir. 

Mr. Dor. Tours ? Vile wretch ! Gentlemen, 
he is a fpy : the creature of a foreign Court ! I 
never had dealings with him in my life ! 

Firfi Bail. We know nothing of that. Sir, 
irit has fworn to the debt. 

Exempt. No parleying ; take him away. 

Firfi Bail. Ay, ay. Come, Sir. [fio" "^ '*'"'* 
fercibly drag him oa/.] 

' Mr. DBr. , [Going And toilbouti Help! Ref- 
cue ! Falfe Imprifonment ! 

Mac D. Why what is all this now ? — Poor 
ould gintleman ! 

(^Noife without at a difimce — " Rcfcue ! Refcue ! 

MacB. Where is my Ihillalec ? — Oh, by 

St. Peter and his crook, but I will be 'one 

. among you, fcouudrels ! \Extt nmtiing. 





S C E N E, 7^^ Uouje ff/Sia Paul Peckhaw, 

Enttr Lydia agitated^ Edmund/o//o«w'»^. 

BE pacified.: you ire too much alarmed. 
Lydia. If Sir Paul fliould have let them 
pjis, what dreadful coafequences may have fol- 
lowed ! Where can he be ? 
• Edm. He is here \ 

Enter Sir Paul. 
■- Lydia. Oh, Sir !— Where are they ? — Has 
■ny thing happened ? 

Sir Paul. Happened! — Dammee ! I could 
not believe my own ears! — A filky Simon !— 
The Count was in a right humour — 'Sblood ! I 
had a great mind to have let him kill the old 

Lydia, Then they have not fought ! Are they 
(kit, Sir ? 

Sir Paul. Yes, yes ; they are fafc enough — 
Cut do you know the amorous fwain, his blood 
being heated, could only be pacified on condi- 
tion that he might have another interview with 
Lucy! — I'm glad on't! — I'll go and give her 
■ her ieflbn. 

7 Edm, 

- D,gn,-.rihyGOO>^IC 

A C O M E D T. ir 

E^. Oh, Sir, leave him to my fifter, flic 
Heeds no inftrud-ion;!. 

Sir Pas/, No? — Gad, I believe not ! She's 
tuy own girl ! Buc clear the coaft ; he is cotn- 

Edm. r will go to Lady Peckhim ; and do 
you, Lydia, watch for the Count. 

Sir PmI. Ay, ay. He is fuddenly grown 
humble ; apologized to me, and promifed to 
come and plead with my lady. Buc away. 

[Exeunt Edmund and Lydia, and 
Enter Sir Samuel Sheepy. 

Well, Sir Satnucl, you are here ! 

SkSam. Yes, Sir. {JJidel And I halfwidi 
I was any where elfc, already.. 

Sir Paul. And fo you abfolutely have the 
Courage to attack my Lucy ? Ha, ha, ba! Why 
you are quite a hero ! You fear neither man 
nor woman ! 

Sir Sam. l^JiJe'] I wifli I didn't — 

Sir Paul. Nayj but" don't begin to look fo 
pitiful ! Sbe'U be here in , a minute. Don't 
flinch ! Stand to your guns ! Shell not eafily 
flrike ! Ha, ha, ba I Die hard, my old boy ! 


Sir Sam. What is the matter with mc ? I 
declare he has talked me int,o a tremble ! Why 
fliould I be To terrified at a (larmlefs woman ? I 
caa't help it ! A pair of beautiful eyes are flam- 
ing fwords, which no armour can refift ! 

Enter Lucy, cheirfnlly, 
Lucy. So, Sir Samuel ! 
Sir Sam. Blefs me ! — My heart is in my 
mouth ! - , ■ 

M Lucy. 



Ijicy. You fcem taken by furprjfe. 

Sir Sam, Madam — Hem !— No, Madam— 
.Yes, Madam. \Witb bis ujual iows,'} 

Lu^. My Papa informed me ydu were wait- 
ing, fiurpofely to difclofe this important fecret. 

Sir Sam. Madam— Hem ! — Yes, Madam — 

Lucy. Do you know that 1 have had you in my 
mind I don't know how oftcD, fincc i faw you ? 

Sir Sam. Hem ! — Have you, Madam ? 

Ljicy. Yes, I have— Tis a pity, nay indeed 
A (hame, that fo famous an Englith family as 
that of the Sheepy's (hould become extindt. 

Sir Sam. Hem ! — There is no danger of 
that. Madam. 

Lucy. No ! — Why it is too late in life' for 
you to marry. Sir Samuel- 
Sir Sam. Hem ! — ^Yes, Madam. No, Ma- 

Lucy. Indeed ! So you— ! Well !. I ftiouM 
like to know your choice — Some ftaid body, I 

Sir Sam. Madam — Hem ! — 

Luiy. But I wouM not have her too old, 
and difagreeable. 

Sir Sam. Hem ! I can aflure you, Madam- 
She — Hem !— She is a very beautiful young 

Lucy. You furprrfc me! — Oh! Then per- 
haps (he is fomc low-born girl, who has more 
pride than underftanding, and is willing to fa- 
crifice her youth, and beauty, to the filly vanity 
of riding in a coach ? 

' Sir Sam. Quite — Hem ! — Quite the contrary, 

Lucf* Then fhemuftbepoor, andmuftthink 
6 of 


A CO MED T. 83 

of marrying you for the fake of your riches, 
bbping you will die loon. 

Sir Sam. Madam — Hem ! She is very rich. 

Im^. Is it poffible ! 

Sir Sam. And I Ihould flatter myfelf would 
not exped me to die toofoon. 

Lucy. Oh ! But Oie will ! Young women 
never marry old men, but with a wiflj to dance 
over their graves. 

SivSam. Hem! 

hucf. Perhaps the poor girl may— may have 
made i faux pat. ' ' 

Sir Sam. Hem [ Her virtue is unfpotted. 

tacy. You- amaze me! Young, rich, beau- 
tiful, and virtuous ! What can her reafon be 
for making choice of you ? Why does not £he 
rather marry fome youth, whofe rare qualities 
refemble her own ? — Oh ! I've found the fecret 
at laft ! She's an idiot. 

Sir Sam. Hem! No, Madam — No — Hem! 
^-"I am afraid the has too much wit ! 

Luty. Nay then, Sir Samuel, you are the 
moft fortunate gentleman I ever heard or read 
of !— But arc you fure fhe is in love with you ? 

Sir Sam. Hem ! N — Not very. Madam. 

Lucy. No !— Ob ho ! I have unriddled it at 
laft ! You have been bargaining for her with 
her father, or her mother, ot — ^Ay, ay ! The 
poor young lady's confent has never been 
aiked !— And would you be fo felfilh as to feek 
your own fingle gratification, and be contented 
to fee her condemned to mifery, pining to death 
for the youth flic loves, and jullly detcftjng the 
M J light 



fight of you, as die wicked unfeeling author of 
her wretchedncfs ? 

Sir Sam. Hem ! [Zoo*(Mf toward the door} 
Madam I — Hem !— I wUh "you a good even- 

' Lucy. {_Pf eventing bis g&i/ig'] Another word. 
Sir Samuel. -Have you ever talked to' the 
young lady on the fubjed ? 

■ Sir Sam. Hem ! I— Hem !— I have and— • 
Hem ! I have not. 

Lucy. You never made a direft proposal ? 

■ Sit Sam. "Hem ! -No,'MadaHi, 
Luey^ But why ? ,. - 

■ Sir Sam. 1,1 — tlemf— 1' can't very well 
tell. - ■ " 

Luey. But I can. — ^With fl^uch folly and de- 
pravity, there is ftiil fome virtue in you, 
" Sir Stm: Madatri ! \ljiikingbowto efcape."] 
' Lucy, ThoDgh yoti could form fo unjuft ^ 
projed, you nevef had rii? courage to infiJt the 
Udy by an avowal of yout guile. 

Sir Sam. Hem ! G\iilt, Madam ! 

Luey. Yes, Sir, guilt— However, Sir, fiio 
has perfeftly iinderflood your infinuations. 

■ Sir Sam. Madaifl I 

Lucy. She has infinite, refpeft for filial du- 
ties. But, though ^e woCild beware of offend- 
ing her parents, I know her to be equally de- 
terniioed never to entail mifery on herfelfi nor 
to accept a hu£band whom Ihe could neither 
tfteem, admire, nor love ! 

■ Sir Sam. Madam^^l — Hem ! — Your fer- 
vant. Madam. 

■ Lucy. \_Between him and the deorl Not till 
. you firft promile— 



-AC O -M E -B -Y. «y: 

Sir SarJi' [FQr^eHittg bis fear} I'll promile. 
any rhing. Madam. 

Lucy.- That you will .not render ■ yourfclf 
more ridiculous, by pprfeycring in fo pbfurd, foi 
UQJufta purfuit. 

Sir Sam, . No, Madam ! I'm quite ridiculoim 
enough already ! j 

Lucy. Nay* mor?, that you will not -feek 
fome lefs friended, more enilated, or more ti< 
mid young aeaturey whom your mi&pplied 
wealth might command. 

Sir Sam. . Whatever you pleafe, Madam I 
iMty. But that;)''Ou will rather apply youc 
fuperfluous hoards to the proteftion of youthful 
innocence. ■ , 

Sir Sam. Suffer me but to depart. Madam, 
and I will bequeath my eftaies in perpeiujty as 
you thall direft ; I'll entail them on the Magda- 
len? or I'll advcrtife for marriageable men and 
maids, and you (hall portion out my mattey 
among ihem ! I'll — I'll do any thing,.except 
marry, or go a courting ! 

Ltfcy. Why then. Sir Samuel— [^(^|- hU 
band\ There — That be your reward. 

Sir Sai}t. Madam— Your humble fervant. 

[Exit ah-'iptfy. 

Lucy, Ha, ha, ha ! Poor Sir Samuel ! This 

is the. firft. time he ever forgot his bow. ^Bitter 

the CouHT.j Well, Sir ! have you eiFcaually 

made your peace with my mamn«a ? 

Count. I have done my endeavour. Ma- 
dam — Would I were at peace withmyfelf! 

Laty. And are you ftill, Sir, under the domi- 
fiipn of prejudice to weak ? Do you Itill repent 




of what yoa fo long have deemed your conde* 
fcenfion ? 

Count. Far oihcrwire. Madam. There are 
beings fo pecuUarly favoured of heaven, and en- 
dowed with fiich hig^ pcrfcftions, both of body 
and of mind, that they are fupcrior to all the dif- 
tindions of men, among whom they walk angels 
upon earth ! Yon are one of thefe J And my 
Hiifefy is, T never can deferve you ! 

Lucy. You may have ftiimbied, but this felf- 
condemnation Ihews it was butto rife with ten- 
fold ftrcngth. Perfevere, and wc will be fevered 
only by death. 

Enter Edmitki). 

Mdm. At length, my dear Count, Lady 
Peckham is pacified. To (loop to her ill-placed 
pride, to overlook her prejudice, and to peti- 
tion as you did, was noble m you. I havefe- 
conded your efforts, have pledged 'myfclf for 
yovnr honour, and guaranteed your veracity. 
' CeaMt. Then, Sir, you have ftruck a dagger 
to my heart ! I have b^en guilty of falfehood ! 
That very pride, and that exalted, or I feat 
extravagant, fenfe of honour, which (hould have' 
preferred me from a ftain fo hateful, have dalhed 
me down the precipice ! 

£<//». You amaze me ! 

Count. 'Tis true, 'twas inadvertent ; but 
rankling vanity, ftrengthened by a purer motive, 
the trembling alarms of love, induced me to 
perfift ; nay, a fecond time to aid deception. 

Lucy. You did wrong— But which of us can 
fay they never erred ? 

Edm. Ay! Who will Hand forth and aiErm, 


A C O M E D T. $7 

xh&t, amid the rude whirl, the confufed doubts* 
or the terrors of paflion, they never .once have 
been betrayed into your crime ? For a crime I 
own it is ; and with, confcquences (o wide, fo 
■pei-nicious, and fo fatal, that, when it (hall be 
extirpated from the earth,- that moment man 
will be perfcdt I But, in this poor world's pre- 
fenc Hate, it is fo far venial, that (painful, hu- 
miliating thought !) no — the nobleft, the pureft 
of us all, cannot (b'ike his heart, and £iy— I 
never was a liar ! 

" Lucy. Frail as we are, and hourly as the 
** arts of wifehood are praflufed upon us, to our 
** detriment, and often to our niln, thofe only 
" are moCt free from guilt, who fliake contagion 
'• fooneft from thetn ; and, by the next fublime 
" effort of truth, fcorning to (brink from (hame, 
** which is their due, in fomo fort turn the vice 
"itfelf to virtue." 

EAn. But what have you faid that— 

Enter Sir Paul. 

Sir Paul. Come, come ! We muft ftrike 
while the iron is hot ! We muft take my Ladf 
while (he is in the humour, (ince (he muft necef- 
farily be a party in our deeds. And firft I have 
agreed, ais you know. Count, that my daugh- 
ter's pbrtion (hall be 8o,oool. The remMnder 
will chiefly reft with you. What fcttleraent da 
you intend to make ? And on what elUces ? 

Count.' None, Sir, 

Sir Paul. None I 

Cewtf. 1 have no eftates. 

Sir Paul. Sir !— Why, what !— Zounds !— 



■ After the enquiries I made, I cannot be fo de- 
' ccired Are not you Count Gonnolly Villars ? 

Count. I am. Sir. 

SvcTaut. A colonel in tlie armies of the Moft, 
Chriftian King ? 

Count. I am, Sir. 

Sir Paul. Recommended to me by Meffieurs 
Devigny, the great merchants at MarfeillCs ? 

Count. The fame. Sir.' 

Sir Paid. Why, then, "what do you mean ? 
/ Countt When I firft paid my addreflcs to 
this lady, I imagined my rank and family were 
3 fufficicnt counterpoife to wealth. 

Sir Paul. Ha ! Gold in one fcale, honour ir 
t'other ? — Flimfy ware ! — No, no — Kick the 

Count. But, ardent, violent, and eternal, as 
■ray lore for your angelic daughter is; and riiuft 
be, even the Jofs of her (hall nor tempt me, 
any longer, to praftife the leaft: impoiition. 

Sir Paul. Well, but, *s blood ! The fteward i 
The family eftares ! 

Ctunt. I have told you the truth. Sir. ' 

^ jEH/ifr Lydia. 
Liuy. What's the Diattcr, Lydia? 
Lydia^ Poor Mr. Mac Ddrmot— ! 
Qmnt. What of -him f — Any harm ? 
: Lydia. He has been in.fome fray, and is ib 
bruifed f 

Count. Bruifed ! Where is he ? 
Lydia. Below, with a palckec, which he wants 
to deliver to Sir Paul. 

Sir /"aa/. Tome.?. . . . 

. Ij/dia. Yes, Sir. Pray go to him. 



A C0M£ DT. .99 

Sir Fault A packet for mc ! [Going] Ilhall 
never hev the Uft of this from my Lady \ . 

iMCf- Brother, ^o to my mamma, and en- 
deavour to keep her in temper. [Ti/Ae Catmt] Be 
not dejeded ! I know my lather's afiedion for me* 
aod do not yet defpair. [£Jo/ after Sir Paul. 

Count. Charming, generous girl ! — ^This poor 
Mac Dennot ! 

Lydia. He is afraid of feeing you. He fays 
you will never pardon him, for having taken the 
pare of fome man^ whom you threatened to mur> 
der ! 

Count, I ? I threatened to murder no man I 
—Will yoUf Madam, be fo kind as to tdl 
him I am here ; and that I intttl on feeing 
bim ? 

Lytfia. WiA pleafurc. [Exit. 

Cnatt. Kingdoms Ihould noc tempt me to 
pafs another day like this ! 

j^ter Mac Dbrhot, vutb bis kft Arm in # 


Cnut. How now, Mac Dennot ! Where 
have you been i What's tlie mauer with you } 

Mae D. No great matter, my Lord— Only 
a litde bitof a joint heic; {^Pointing to bis arnu] 

Count. [AlaTttttd'\ Broken } 

Mae D. A double tooth or two— Not much^ 
my Lord. 

Ctuni. Much I — How ?— What have you 
been doing } 

Mac T>, lPitifuliy\ 1 hope your Lordthip 
won't be angry I {^Enraged] But the rafcals 
iazed him neck and heels ! 

, N Count, 



. Count. Seized who ? 

Aftic X>. [Paffionaiely] [He was as innocci* 
as the babe upborn, my Lord, and he touid 'em 
(b : [Rage] the dirty rapfcallions ! 

Ceunt. Who are you talking of ? 

Mae D. ^Pitifully'] To be fuie, he— he fent 
your Lordfhjp a — a viry impartinent letter. 

Count. How ? [Tbt Count's perplexities and 
faffions are here effe^uallj roujed^ and intreaft 
through the/cene.) 

Mac D. There were three of them. Niver 
did your Lordfliip fet your two good-looking 
eyes on fiich a pair of thieves ! 

Count. For heaven's fake, tell your ftory 
ftraight forward! What letter do you mean ? 
Who ? 

Mac D. [With great emotion'] I hope your 
Lordftiip will forget and forgive ! k would have 
moved the bowels of your compaffion, to have 
feen the ould gintleman ! 

Count. Is it poffible ? What can he mean ? 
What old gentleman ? ■ 

Mac D. [_Enraged] The dirty fliaberoons 
took him by the throat — My vlry blood.boi]ed ! 
-T-Upon my foul, my Lord, I could not bear it I 
I hope you will forgive me ! By the merciful fa- 
ther, I could not bear it ! 

Count. Tell me, this moment, who jrou 
liPiean ! 

Mac D. He came running back, out of 
breath, and aflced for your Lordfhip, And fo, 
my Lord, IPleading] being a fillow-aater in 

Count. Came where ? 

Mac D. A couplejof as ill- looking Tyburn-i 

turnpike bum-bailifiis as your Lordfliip could 



-. A CO M E D T. 9% 

*ilh ! With a cowardly complotter at their 
back ! It was he that came behind me with his 
(hillalee^ while I was hard at work with them 
both- But the brave ould gentleman fteppedio; 
and, by the Virgin's night-cap^ but hegavehini 
his dole ! ■ 

Count. Once more, tell me inftantly, what 
old gentleman ^ 

MacD, Conlidering his age, he is as adive, 
and as brave a fillow,, as ever handled a fifti 

Counts [jyide^ He cannot fiirely mean my 
Father ! Mac Dcrmot, I entreat, I command 
you to tell me of whom you are talking. 

Mac. D. If your Lordfhip had but feeh the 
noble ould foul, I'm Ture you would have for- 
given me. 

Count. But what letter — ? 
Mac D. Oh ! the divie, bum the letter ! 
Now, my Lord, don't mention it ! Pray don't 
remimber it, your Lordlhip I Pray don't ! By 
my foul, now, my Lord, he is a fine ould-filtow ! 
Oh ! How he laid about him 1 

Count. Was it the perfon who, came this af- 
ternoon P 

Mac D. My Lord-^ 
Count. Fear nothing ! Speak. 
Mac D. Why, then, my Lord — To be furc 
•*-it was he himlilf. 

Cdufit. And is he fafe ? Did you free him 
from them ? 

Mac D. Why, my Lord, I could not hilp it ! 
[Emphatically'] I could not hilp it ! By the holy 
fodtftool, but 1 couldn't ! 

Cvmi. Maq Dermot j ^Jtakinghmby the hand.'] 

Mac D, My Lord ! 

Count. Weil, well ! A time will come— 

- N a Mac D. 

rihyCoo^le ■ 


Mac D. My Lord ! 

Count. Are you murfi* Tiiirt, Mac Dermot? 
—Here !— iioHo !—[£«/«■« Footman] Call a 
cfcair 1 Run for a furgeon and a phyfician ! The 
bcft that can be procured. 

Mac p. For me, my Lord ? 

■CeMHt Pot you, my no'bie fdlow ! 

Mac D. Spare yourfelf the labour, young 

Coutrt, Go ! Do as I order you j mflantly. 
[£*»V Footman.'] Mac Dermot, you mufl be put 

Mac D. To bed, my Lord ! 

Count. And lofe fome blood ! 

Mac i). Faith, my Lord, that will be a litlJe 
too much ! I've loft quite blood enough already. 

Count, Pray! I requeft ! I muft have you do 
as I d'etre ! I would not have any ill happen to 
70U, for the world ! 

MacD.Ohl And the divle of ill or harm can 
happen to Mac Dermot, the while he has fuch an 
a ginerous prince royal ofamaftcr! Though I 
believe, the beft thing that could happen to me 
fuft now, would be a good fupper, and a hearty 
tifFof whiJky punch. 

Count. Not for the Indies I 

Mac D. Faith, my Lord, it was hard work ; 
■and has given me a very craving kind of a call. 
{^Re-enter Footman.^ 

Foot, The chair is waiting, Sir. 

Count. Go, my g«od fellow I Obey me but 
-this once, and I'll never aft the mafter to you 

Mac D. ■ Well, well, my Lord. But I hope 

your Lordfliip won't quite kill me with kind- 

ncfs. [£*(/. 



A C M £ x> r. ^s 

Enter Su pAirt. tmd LiUCT. 

Sir?fl«/. Iff^tb thefdcket opened] So, Count, 
I find, after all your pretended raptures, you ne- 
ver wilhed to marry my daughter! 

Count. Sir ! 

Sir Paul. Why did not you rctraft like a 
man ; and not make a t^cry, ^He ezcufe of po- 
verty ? 

Count, ■ Sir, I made no felfe excufe ! 

Sir Paul. How, Sir ! Shall I not believe my 
eyes ? Have I not bills here in my hand, drawn 
in your fevotir, for five hundred thoufand 
crowns ? 

Count. In mine ! 

Sir PfiuL _In yours ! Given me this moment 
ty your own fervant. 

Couxt. Impoflible, Sir ! 

Sir Paul. Impoflible, is it ? Why, look you, 
here are the bills : andj hollo ! [^Enter Foot-- 
w«f] Go you. Sir, and defire Mr. Mac Der- 
mot to come back. 

Ceutt/. Stir not for your life, on fuch an er- 
rand ! He muft not, (hall not be difturbed. 

Sir Paul. Nay, my word, it feems, is not to 
be believed ; nor perhaps the bills ihemfelves 1 
But, Sir, though you vaunt io highly of being a 
man of honour, the, trick was beneath a man of 

£ir/wLA»y Peckham oxdEaidVitD. 

Lady P. Here's a komakul kind of. an ob- 
ftroperous perfon, that fays he muft fpeak to the 
Count — You may come in, Mifter. 

Enier Mr. DoaiMorfx and Lydia. 

Sir Paul, Ah ! What, my friend the ftew- 


5^ Toe school for arrogance t 

ard ! I am glad you are come i Never was fb 
amazed in my life! Your mafter, here, has 
been telling me he has no eftates I 

Lady P. How! 

Mr. Der. My mafter, Sir ! 

Count. The feelings of .man cannot fupport 
.this open ftiame ! [O-^wj to^e.^ . . 

Mr. Dor. Whither now, Sir? 

Sir Paul. Ay ! Talk to him ! I'm in a mift t 

Count. Suffer me to pafs, Sir. \_CroJfes to the 
door] Speak the truth-' — Render me contempt- 
ible ! Abhorrent ! Bu^ make me . not a witnefs 
of my own difgrace ! 

Mr. Dor. Stay, Sir ! 

Count. I cannot. 

Mr. Dor. Stay ! Or dread a father's male- 
diftion ! 

SirPtfs/. His Father! The plague ! Hem! 
. — Lydia I ■ , 

Lydia. Holh I 

Lady P. Father, indeed ! Vhat he I So, fo ! 
Here's a wirago ! Here's a choufe I 

Sir Paul. My Lady- 
Lady P. I thought vhat vould be the uplhot 

Edm. Madam. [Takes her a/ide for a wfl- 
ment in dumb pew. ] 

- Mr. D6r. Spurred on by fuppolitions and 
conceits the moft abfurd, wholly intent upoii 
yourfelf, contemning others, exadling refpefl: 
■you did not nierit, reflifing ceremony where 
■'twas due, protuberant with pride, yet poorly 
carping at and holding idiot warfare with the 
pride of otliers, forgetful of the dignity of rca- 
fon, but with tenacious grafp clinging to the lu- 


A CO ME D Y. Pi 

dicroiM dignity of birth, the heir indeed and firft 
born of Folly, ignorance itfelf has mocked and 
taunted at you ! 

Lady P. Wery troo ! Give him his own ! 

Sir Paul. Zounds ! My Lady ! — I with he 
would give you your own a little ! Not but it's 
right enough ! , ■ 

Lady P. To be fure 1 I knows wery ve\\ I 
am right- 
Mr. Dor. Your father too has been avoided, 
nay difowncd ! Your father ! Who for years 
has lived in indigence, that he might fecretly 
fupply your wants, fupport you in fplertdour, 
iHid preferve you from all the mifery of which 
he made himfelf the willing vidtim ! 

Count. Sir ! You ! Was it you ? Oh ! In- 
gratitude I 

Mr, Dor. Your father was ofFenfive to your 
fight ! And what was it you defpifed ? Why 
this poor garb I You wiQied no kindred with 
virtuous poverty ! Had I appeared in all my 
former ftate, though knave or fool had been 
blazoned on my brow, yet, decked in the trap- 
pings ef magnificence, I had received an open 
welcome. But, bleft be my penury ! Since it 
has been your punilhpient. 

Count. Sir, wrung as my heart is by remorfe, 
and guilty as I know myfelf, for I have ftiil in- 
creaie of guilt, no words can mitigate my 
crimes. Yet, though I have erred, I feel I have 
fomething in me capable of good ; and ftrong 
propenfities to all the tender ties, the filial du- 
ties, and the feverer virtues which I have feemed 
to want ; a mind which, once convinced, has 
ftrength to Oiun and to fubdue its matter paf- 
A, fion. 



fion, renounce its folly, and abhor its curpicude. 
Deep is my offence againit yovi and nature ! Btq 
let nature plead in my behalf. Here at your 
leetj repentant for my faults, I claim that pity 
which a father fo goodj and fo afieftioute, will 
not fure refufe. 

Mr. Dor. Oh ! No — For now you fpeak like 
. the fon of my heart, the image of my brigbteft 
hopes ! You have flood the fiery trial, and are 
pure ! 

Lady P. Vby but hark youme, Miftcr— Vhy 
vhat ! You are not a Count too, lo be fure ! 

Mr. Dor. No, Madam, 

Lady P. Vhy tSicft— 

Mr. Dor. Ifa title can flauar your Ladylhip, 
mine is (bmething higher. 

Lady P. How! 

Mr. Dat. ] am a Marquis. 

Lady P. A Marquis! You! Veil! i4/ide] 
For an outlandi(h Marquis ! 

Edm. MyLady^! 

SirPW* WeUbutthe biUs? IHolding tbtm 
MU in bis batid.^ 

Mr. Dtr. They are mine, 
' Comt. Yours, Sir ! 

Mr. Der. Remittances for fbme recovered 
arrear»r— But whei» is ray brave proteftor ? My 
hero ! 

Count. Safe, Sir ! Every care is taken of the 
generous fellow* — Is the phylician come ? 

Sir Paul. Yes, yes. I have taken care of 
that. Ihavefent himmyown phyfician. Hem! 
— [4fi</e] My cook ! 

Count, You know not half his worth I 

Mr. Der. Which fliall not go unrewarded. 




Com/. No, by h?aveh ! 

Mr. Dor. We have now the means j wc no ' 
longer are opprefled and poor. 

Cotml. Yet are you not in prefent danger } 

Mr. Dor. No. Malice has fpcDt its 1^ ef- 
fiirt. Our ambaffador has juft fent mc the 
final dccifion of the judges : my fentence is rc- 
verfed, my whole eftares are reftored, and the 
.power of my perfecuton is at an end. 

Camt. Oh! Fortune! Oh! My Father !— 
And may I hope it ?^lVIy Lucy ! May I— ? 

Lucy. Yes ! Hope every thing ! 

Count. Mine I 

Luty. Yours ! Heart and foul ! 

Sir Paul. She is a brave wench I 

Lady P. Hold a blow, if you pleafe ! Vhat ! 
Am I nobody } 

Count, Madam> to you a thoufand excufes 
are due. 

Lady P. To be fure they are ! 

Count. I am confcious of my paft ridicule, 
and will no more contend with your ladyfhip, 
for prejudices fo falfe and weak. 

Lady P. I knoo I vus r^ht ! I knoo you 
made yourfelf ridicolous ! I told you fo often 
enough ! 

Sir Paui. Well faid, my Lady !— But hark 
you, MifsLydia — \Sfgni^ca}tt^'] And, Sir. 

Mr. Dor. A moment's patience. Sir.— 
Count ! How Ihall 1 teli him ? — My fon ! 
Jjxik. at this charming, this virtuous young 

Sir Paul. IJ/tde} Zounds ! What now ? 

Count. I am confcious of having treated her 
O with 



with proud unkindnefs, at the very moment 
too, wh,cn I perceived flie wai fincerely my 

Mr. Dor. Your friend '.—Look at her ! 
Docs not your heart throb ? Feel you not fen- 
fations more tender ? — Are you not all doubt, 
allhope, all fear, all perturbation i 

Count. Sir !— What !— Who e 

Mr. Dor. Can you not imagine } — Look at 
her, I fay ! — Behold her agitation! 

Count. Mercy ! 

Mr. Dor. Open your armsj your heart, tO re-: 
ceive her — 

Count. Sir ! Madam ! Who f 

Mr. Dor. Your fifter ! 

Cemt. My fifter! 

Lydsa. My dearcft, beft of broiheri I \_Rmy 
ing into bit arms.'] 

iMcy. My friend ! My Lydia ! 

Count. Oh! How culpable have I been ! 

Sir Paul. \_4fide\ 'Sblood ! Here's a pretty 
piece of bufmefs I 

Lady P. Vhat's that you lay, Sir ? Mifc 
Liddy the Count's fifter ! 

Edm. 'Tis very true. Madam. 

Lady P. Troo \ Veil, I purteft I'm quite in 
a quandary ! 

Mr. Dor. [Te Sir Paul.] And now. Sir — 

Sir Taul. \Afide\ Yes, *tis my turn now !— ^ 
Ycs» Su- ! 

Mr. Dor,- While labouring to reclaim the 
follies of youth — 

%\xPaul. Yes, Sir! 
" Mr. Dor We ought not to forget the vices 
tti age. 

4 - 5iy 


' Sir PauK Hem ! Well talk of them after 
flipper. Sir. [^Looking retmd atLotiy Peckbam and 
He comfat^,'] 

Mr. 3or. Well» Sir, on condition- 
Sir Paul. Oh! Any. condition you plcafc. 

Edm. \Leading LjfJia.'] My dear Father !— 

Sir Paul. My Icind fon ! IJfide} Sly rafca! ! 

Lydia. (To Sir Paul,'] We ihall want a houfe. 

Sir Paul Hem ! Ay, ay ! 

Lydia. Somewhere in Mary-le-bone^ 

Sir Paul Very well ! 

Lydia. With a— 

Sir Paul Zounds ! [Jfide to Lydia^ Hulh ! 
Don't mention the back door ! 

Lydia. Then we are all friends ? 

Sir Paul To be fure — But, you may as well 
not tell Scapegrace ! 

Lydia, Never fear. 

Sir Paul Not a word of the pew liveries ! 

Lydia. Depend upon my honour. 

Count. My fifter and my friend 1 Can it be ? 

Edm. Would you not wifti it thus ? 

Count. Oh! Moft ardently ! 

Mr. Dor. Chequered are the icenes of 
life. Pleafure and pain, joy and grief, aufterity 
and laughter, intermingling, weave a motley 
web. Our prejudices are our punifhments : 
they cling about us, warp our adions, diflort 
our manners, render us the food of fatire, the 
mockery of fools, and torture us, as wailing ur- 
chins are tormented to make fport for boys. 
Error and folly impede the progrefs of perfec- 
O 2 tlon. 



tion. Truth alone can make men wife and 
happjr. Myfelf the. facrifice of wifehood and 
miftdte, feebly have I ftnven to ftem the tor- 
rent : ajid here my taik, and here I hope my 
troubles end. 




Sp<^n by Mrs. Mittogci. 

THE curtain iiapl:, of courfe the author f«ndt 
Mc to fahiK our gcn'rous noble friends I 

To me 70U liften, he politely fays, 

"When^er I ^ttle, with a wifli to praifc. 

For kiodn^ fo unceaGng may you be 

As happy, ev'rj foul, as your applaufe makes me ! ' 
But to my text — ^Thc tbemc to>night is Pride : 

Much have we faid — and much more have impUed. 

Our boldcll ftrokes are feeble, nor can fliew ■ 

The child of Pride with half his genuine glow ; 

Of Pride, which can fuch various forms afliime; 

Now rife an emperor, now fink a groom. 
* Mounted alijft, the wonder of bis age, 

"With hackney coachmen furious war to wage ; 

Six fwandown waiilcoats fwathe him into fliapc ; 

His legs all buckfkin, and his coat all cape ; 

With manners, looks, and language fuch you'd fweu 

His tutor had been Piccadilly's Bear ; 

"When moft contemptible molt hoping praifCf 

Aad only envious of the groom he pays ; 
Wr dappled greys in front, behind three men i 
Itwn Pall-Mall dalhtng, to dafli np again ; 
"^ only in his height and pomp of pride, 
^ea Girl or Gambler's feated by hii Cde } 



iol 1 1> i t CJ tf £; 

tWraig by day, dicing hj lught, fcs pafljori j 
Such is the modem man of high-flown falhion ( 
Such are the felons fpning from Runny-Mead ! 
The richeft foil,- that bears the rankeft weed I 
. Potatoe like, the fprouts aroXvorthtefs fot|hd { 
And all that's good of them is under groundt 

Of Ptide one fingle fketch in crayons more> 
Behold he* torch M^art! llii^ jer Hk^cs the <Jo(^ I 
The carriage RopH the footing Inalcc a lane } 
The feathers ftoop, and .enter Lady Jane : 
Perfeft in how d'ye do, diwp, bob> and bow. 
(Curtfeys, myfriendo, are'oiitoffiiAion now)--||7«/iifr 

Gtdlttittl • 

Firll to his Grace; next totibe next of birth: 
She none forgets — fave genius, wit, and- worth } 
Whom if flie mark, 'tis with a modifli ftare, 
To a(k wh« knows them ? or, How came tliey there ? 

Now^at the ba»A, in antkhamber kept, 
Where Pharaoh's hoft tweWe tedious hours bad flept^ 
She feats herfcl^ like. palpitating, lorer^ 
Eager thclaft nights lo&s to recover. 
Ko fcnl^.1^ virtue, dignity, or ibane : 
Hergreateftpiideberkoowledgeo^ thcgalBfl. 
That pride mofl; [wqued, moft mortified, to iee 
A Nabob's wife fta^e larger fnms than ihe I 
And now three anxious houxs have flipt away : 
Three hundreds have been lolt, in piddling plafi 
No luck for her! Aloud frelh cards Ihe calls : 
Her palEons riling a&her>pocket falls. 
She punts : again, fli^ lofes ; and again I . / ' 

Oaths quivec oo her% I- She names the ten* ; 

• tii/oslc 








£. _N D O Ki 
Prmted (or J. Debrett, oppofite Burlingtott-Houfe, 

PlCCADltLV, 1792. 

' ■ [Entsrid at Stalimen-Ha!!.^ ■ 




Sir Solomon Oddly, - Mr. Quick. 

Barney O'Lifiy, - - Mr. Johnstohb, 

Stave, ----- Mr. Munden. 

Commodore Larboard, Mr. Wilson. 

Captain Melville, r • Mr. Incledon* 

Doftor Camomile, - Mr. Fawcett. 

Le Frizz, - - r - Mr, Farlet 

Roger, ----- Mr. Thompson, 


Augufla, . . - . Mils Dall. 

Lady Oddly, - - - Mrs. Webb. 

Maria, - - - - - Mrs. Blanchard. 

Judith, ----- Mrs. Mahttr. 

Men and Women villagers, 0c. 

Time, nearly that of ReprefentaticMi. 

Scenes, A Village, Sir Solomon Oddly's Houfe 
and grounds adjacent. 

*■* The Linei marked wttli inverted Conimai are omitted in 
the ReprefcDtation. 







REF. SiS, 

AMONGST the catalogue of my fiulings I traft in- 
graUtude will never be found, you will therefore be the 
lefs furprffcd that I take the liberty rf infcribing die follow- 
ing tfi^e to you, as it will ever be my pteafure, and my 
pride, to acknowledge that, « an early period d^ my life, 
I was fawHired with your patronage, and have, for fooie 
years, enjoyed the honor of your frtendfhip, and as it 
a^ds me an opponaoity thus publicly to afliire you tha^ 

I am, 

Rev. Sir, 

RefpeSruIly, and Cncerely, 
Your much obliged 
„ „ , Humble Servant, 

Cnat Ntmpert-Jlrtit, 



P R £ F A C E. 

THE Ofbka of JUST in TIME, was originally zpetU 
Coroedjp io Two Atts, written at a very early age of die 
AiiTKOit, for the frivme Performance of a party of Friends. 
In this Hate, withoat the Writer's kaowledgef the Copy was 
pat into tKe hands of Mr. Colm i, n, fen. who was pleafed to 
obferve, that it contained too much bufinefs, and was too long 
for an Afterpiece ; yet opon the whole, itfo farniet hisappro- 
baiion, that if it was inteTfperTed wiib Songs, he wonld fubmic 
it to the Public the following Seafon, Tlua was too fla;tenii£ 
a circamftance for the vanity of a juvenile Aathor to overiook. 
— Moft of the following Songs, &c. were in confequence 
written ; but before they were completed, the unfortunate In- 
difpofition, which deprived the Town of the exer-.ion of that . 
Gentleman's managerial Talents, prevented the Author front 
receiving the advantage of his piomife, 

In this flate it remained, when the idea fuggefted to the 
Writer, that its performance might render hisTriend, Mr. 
MoNDRK',rome trifling advantage, and upon that ground, hii 
£rft Dramaiic Bantliag was fubmitted to the Public, on the 
evening of the above deferving Comedian's benefit, latt Seafon. 
The flattering reception with which it was then honoured, and 
the intereft of a Gentleman, not more admired for his literary 
abilities than his private worth, by every perfon who has the 
happinefs to know him, and to whofe atCflance the Author owes 
much, induced Mr. Hakris to bring it forward agun this 
Seafon. At the opening of the Theatre, the Author had the 
mortification to find, that his Piece would, from fome unavoid- 
able caufes, be produced under many disadvantages ; he had, 
however, foon the fatisfa^lion to fee it cherilhed by the un- 
' biafled warmth of general applaufe ; and he has now the 
pleafure to know, that Just ik Tim a has been highly pro- 
duAive to the Treasury of the Theatre, - and probiibly will 
prove much more fo, without the leaft drawbiick from the 
receipts, for the cnflomary aids of Scenery, DrelTes, or Dc- 

To the ftiendly exertions of all the Performers, the Author 
feels himfelf principally indebted for his fucceis; to Mr. 
Johnstone, he with pleafare ackni wUdges his obltgatioil 
for the words of the fad air of Baraj 0'Li£tj, and foi feveral 
judicioas hints refpefling the idiom of the language of that 







A ViSagt Qiurch ; — on ant fide a neat CoUagt nearly irj- 
veredivitb evergreens^ (^c. Several nUagtn ftaltd— 
employed in twningjlavjersy fcff. Sing the felivwing 

HERE) with Liberty bleft, brighteit gem of our llle. 

United with Pleoijr a>d Health; 
At ihe reftlefs ainbttion of grandeur we fdiile ; 

CoDtcDl without title t» wealth. 
When the dawn £ril appian. and the Laik tunes her lay; 

We rife to fweet fcenet of delight ; 
Mifth pleajantly foftens the toiU of the day. 
And with pallime we welcome the night. 

And fo you Ihall, my bonny Uds and lafles — 
1 delight to fee hand and heart go merrily together 
through the labors cX the day. Thefe (lowers. 
Mailer Stave ordered us, be twined into whirligigs. 


'Tis all done. — Now fure there are flowerd 
enough to make the whole copfe as fine as a May- 
day garland. 


Good, my pretty fmiling Patly J*umpkin. Now 
take alt your wares to the May-pole on the 


[Exeunt Viliagersy repeating the Charut. 
B Enter 



EnierMELviLLz./oUowed by O'Lit FEY, hooted, (3c. 


Thanks to our fteeds for their expedition. 

\ looking at his watch] 


And double thanks to my .poor trufty nag, that 
would rather break his o^vn neck than bis mailer's ; 
we have rode together like two birds of paffage, 
and fafler, your honour, ihan-ever dying man rode 
to a doQor. 


AdpHor to a dying man you mean. 


I mean ! Arrah, fure I know well enough what 1 
mean, your honour, isn't it al! the fame in irifti, 
fo they both come together at laft ? 


We are nOw arrived at the end of our journey. 


St. Patrick be prais'd ! for I thought the 
journey would have put an end to me. 


As I Ihall have occafmn, O'Liffey, for the im- 
mediate exercife of your Ingenuity and Bdelity, 
it is neceffary you Ihould be ma^e acquainted 
with the caufe of my prefent excurfion. — 


By all means, your honour, — you will thus re- 
lieve your fuffcring fervant, and privy counfelior, 
from a variety of llrange notions, which have dif- 
trefled my mind, almoft as much asihofe curfed 
bogs and up-and-down ways we have pafTed, have 
annoy 'd my body ! — For to confefs the truth, I 
began to think that your honour was tiding poft 
away frona your fenfes. 


Know then — I am in love ! 


In love ! oh, by my foul, that's riding away 



from your fenfes, fure enough. I find I was not 
much out in my reckoning — but may be your ho- 
nour's love's like my own. 


How is that, O'Liffey ? 


As the gemleman fays in the plsy, " it is as 
big as the wide ocean !" the devil a petticoat 
ever I Taw that I would not be wifhing to fcrape 
an acquaintance with 


There, O'Liffey, we differ. 


Arrab, be eafy, your honour, you"won't be after 
telling me that. 


Come, come, a truce to yoor nonfenfe. The 
ctiarming objeft of my paffion refides but a fhort 
dillance from this fpot, at the feat of her father. 
Sir Solomon Oddly. — 


Oddly ! by my foul and it is odd fure enough — 
A citizen — one of the wife men of the Eaft, I 
fuppofe, by his comical name. 


You have -hit it, O'Liffey — having amafTedan 
immenfe fortune as a wbolefalc grocer, he pur- 
chafed the neighbouring tiall, retired from town 
with his lady, and has for fome years pall affumed 
the charaSer of a country gentleman. 


Well, but; Sir — a little lefs of this old fig- 
merchant — and a little more of his young fweet- 
meat, if you pleafe ! 


You blockhead, I am an entire (tranger to all 
the family, except the divine Augfilla. 


Divine Augufta ! — and is the dear little rogue 
fobandfome. Sir. 





Angelic ! 

How poor are word* 1 how vain it art, 

Augulta's chariDB to trace t 4 

Her fpeaking eye, ber feeling heart i 

Snch lymnietry and grace ! 
Her mind more pcre than virgin fnowt^ 

I'hat on the mountaini reft ; 
Pure a* the lambent flame -hich glows, 
Wicliinihis faithful breait. 
Sweet creature ! — and a fnug city fortune, iniQ 

the bargain Ah, Sir, now can 1 account for 

your axing leave of abfence, Cnce the regiment'i 
coming from abroad. 


You're perfefily right, O'LifFey — fince my return 
home, I have made frequent excurfions to this 
place; — and the dear Uulc billet, which 1 re- 
ceived juft before we left London, puts her 
affeftion for me, I think, beyond a doubt — for here 
fhe requefts my immediate attendance to prevent, 
if poQible, her union with an odious rival. 


A free-hearted creature, upon my faith : but 
after all, your honour, I'm not much pleafed with 
the double face of this bufinefs — Tho' it fmiles. 
upon us with one eye, it carries in the other an ill-, 
looking frown of tianger, the thi(ig in the world 
1 wifli to avoid.— 


Wifh to avoid danger I— why, my brave fellow, 
have n't I feen thee march with the utmofi in- 
trepidity up to the very mouth of a loaded can- 


To be fure an you have— What the devil had a ' 
nan to fear when be was marching up to an open 
enemy— bift in thefe mighty civil love campaigns, 



9 poor fellow may be very uncivilly knock'd-down 
by fome fly old curmudgeon of a father, or bully 
of a brother, without giving him time to flioulder 
his fliillelah. ' 


O'Liffey, in this affair my happinefs, and your 
future fortune are at ftake. 


O, to be fure, if that's the cafe, notwithftand- 
ing the many hair-breadth fcapes that I have ex- 
perienced in your honor's fervice, and as the good- 
looking {tars have deltined that I fhould dedi- 
cate the remainder of my unbroken bones to your 
generofity, my name -fake the Liffey,- ftiall run 
backwards before I'll ceafe toputh forwards to alfift 
you. (Stave fmgi Behind.^ Hey-day ! what qiieer 
looking creature have we here ? 


My friendly rullic and emiflary. Stave, the pa> 
riOi clerk. 

fntcr SjAVz/om the cottage^ j/iVA a bajket on his 
AIR m. 

The merry man. 

Who loves his cann, 

Laugifs and jokes 

Chats and fmok». 

Nor dreatni of noife and Itate : 

Enjoyi the hoor 

That's in hi* pow'r, 

T.ll* a tale. 

Quaffs hi* ale. 

Nor fears the frowns of late. 


My friend Stave — in health and good fpirits as 
ufual ! 



6 J U S T I N T I M E. 


What, Captafn Metville '. — I'm marvelous glad 
to fee yiDur Honor, truly. — I was buflling away 
to the Hali : — wonderful alterations and additions 
fince your Honor was lail at Merry Lawn! — att 
lurn'd topfyTturvy! 


Really ! 


Fa8 ! why there is fcarcely a fhrub [hinds in its 
old place ; and all the flowers are iranfmulaled (rata 
their beds to the tops of the trees ! 


Alterations indeed ! but to what purpofe ? 


Mirth and jollity ! — To celebrate the wedding 
of young Madam Augufta. 


Is fhe married ? 


No: — We could not well do that before the 
bridegroom comes ; — but all's fix 'd, — They fay he 
is a prodigious fine gentleman Doftor, from Lon- 
don. — Sir Solomon, her Ladyftiip and I, held a 
clofeted council laft night upon the fubjeft; 
, his worfhip was for defering the ceremony to Lord- 
niayor's-day ; but her LadyQiip and I were for an 
immediate divifion on the motion : — So Sir 
Solomon finding the oppofition too ftrong, came 
over to the majority, and the matter palled crim 


£ut why all this preparation ? 


You muft know that hcrladyfliip is toomuchof a 
gentlewoman tobe outdone in any matter, fo under- 
fiandingUwas all iheda/kv'nh thegreat folks, to have 
galleys on fuch occafions.werefolved to ftiew them 
that we could have every thing on the neweft dijhvc- 
liea as well as the Londoners tbemfelves. 





No doubt But I imagintf» friend Stave, 

you have forgot the intereft I have in this bufr*' 


By my band and abilities, and fo I had! but 
that's not wonderful ; for your Honor feems to 
have forgot the manner in which you ufed to prt^ 
elude the fubjcft. 


I underltand you : — furc you are not mercenary 
Stave ? [£ives him money^ 


No not mercenary, but a man who fcts up the 
trade of honelly ihould have fome capital: — Now- 
lam but a poor man, your Honor; and have not 
the prefumption to pretend to more virtue than 
my betters 

Ichinli it, 


Examine the world wich ittentian you'll find 

'Til intereft that fways every ckfi ofmADldnd ; 

From the high to the low.; 

U it not To f 

Say aye or no 1 

You doubt it ; I'll give you a ftriklng example. 

Then judge of the others by thiifinglc jample ; 

And the truth you'll foon know. 

Shall 1 do To ; 

Say aye or no I 

Sage Phyfic and Law, don't we every day fee. 

Will advife and prescribe.— but £rft poelcet the fee^-i 

With pleafure [ trow ; 

Is it not fo } 

Your aye or no I 

iSo in hambler degreei too my maxim will hc^d. 

Where the main fprlng's felf intereft, — the objeft is gold : 

This we all ofLsknow, 




This may be all very irue, my old friend ; buttd 
bunnefs more material — Don't you think that in my 
former difguife, I might, undifcovered, obtain 
another interview with Augufta ? 


Let me fee- no, that won't do ! — O,. now I 

have it — Can your Honor mount a ladder ? 

{taiing a xuriatht of fiewin fmm his bajktt, 

O, truft me for hanging a feftoon ! 


And yet the old Lady may give us manifold 
trouble. — As for Sir Solomon, he is fo buried in 
writing his hiftorificatiom, that verily yoor Honor 
might with eafe carry off young Madam, and ye 
twain be made one, before the Knight would know 
the fox was about his hen rooft ! 


Sir Solomon an author ? 


Fafl. — Why it is not long fince he penned a 
monolovy on the death of Brown Bridget, the dairy- 
maid ; fo prodigious clever, that all the village 
marvelled thereat : — and Dr. Coaxem, our vicar, 
faid it would gain his worfhip amazen fame in the 


Well then while Sir Solomon is foaring 

fublimely to the Ikies— I'll flip on my difguUe, and 
endeavour to behold my charming Augufta. 

[_Extt Melville intoike cottage. 


Heigh-bo! — you fee, friend, what a misfortune 
it is to be a man of parts ! — never at cafe — always 
fought after ; and yet I am happy in the potfeflVon 
of my abilities, merely to be ferviceable to my 




Your friends are very much obliged to you, 
*ny dear; and to do you juftice, yeu feem to 
bave as much bufinefs on your hands as a piper 
at Balinafloe fair ; or a parifh prieft at an Irifh 

a/r V. • 

When the ladi and the UlTus are met on the grera. 
At fwcet Ballinalloe, or the fair of Clogheen J 
Wi h their cheeks red as rofei, and eyei black as lloe!» 
Seethe girls frilk and foot it ai merr/ as doei. 

All the day. 

Piper plav. 

Cues GolTuoni 

T'other tune ; 
While yonng Darby and Judy, are footing fo tight. 
The poor Piper keeps puffing, from morniDg till nigfat> 

Judy's bonnet of flraw wears the token of love. 
Which Paddy had bought her, hii paflion to prove ; 
Fine ribbandt and ror?s, to deck out her hair. 
And the nea'.eft ituiF-goivn to be had in the £dr. 

Sweet Spcleen 

On, he green. 

When the)' dine, 

Whlfty line j 
The Piper (till playing, the Prieft he faya gMCe, 
And content, love, ard jolit/, fmile in each (ace. 

Now the fair belpg done, home they j(^ fide by Me, 
Every lad with the creatare he means for hi* bride ; 
The next morn Father Fogarty call'd iviih hia book. 
Nine o.- ten jolly couples together to hook. 

Coupling, buckling, 

Pipering, fidling ; 
Fuhf r FogaTty> Piper, and all join rbe rout. 
And the Kcw married couples fall jigging aboat. 


Oh, I have a mort of bufinefs! — never at reft 
from the dawn to the fetting ! 





Ay.juft like myfeir— never at reft but when I 
am dancing, and never quiet but when I'm flnging. 
But pray, my jewel, \yhai may your principal bu- 
finefs be? 


I'll tell you.— I garnifh the pews of our village 
church — array the ihoulders of the curate — fmooth 
the dog's ears of the books — drive forth yelping 
curs — toll the bell — lead the pfalm and fay^amen. 


Upon my foul, honey, you have not a plentiful 
fcarcity of employments. 


So that with the duties of my office, drawing 
teeth, — trimming the beards of my tieighboues — ■ 
curing the ague — fciaping a country dance on 
the fiddle, — being chairman of our weekly club at 
the old Plough on the Hill, and Major Brumo at 
the hall, truly I have as much buGnefs on my 
hands as any reafonable mat) could defire. 


By my troth, or that any unreafonable fellow" 
would have the good fenfe to with for. 

(Maria, al the upper uiinioiu ef the ceitage^ fingt- 


\Jooking up to Maria] — Hey-day ! And I fee by 
that fweet voice you teach Sky-larks to warble in- 
to the bargain. 


Oh foftly — 'now don't difturb the little rogue— 
for her poor heart does not feem perfeftly at eafe- 


Well but who the Devil is flie ? 


An innocent creature^ that has been in my houfc 
thefe thre^ days. 





Innocent ! with fuch a voice and fucb devilifli 
pretty peepers : oh, by St. Patrick, ffie muft 
have murdered half the men in your village, alrea- 
dy. One tight of her has almoft kilt myfelf — I'm 
taken with fuch a kind of an all-overnefs that I 
don't know what the devil's the matter with me. 


Yes — fhe came to our village in a poll-chaife, 
enquired for a lodging at the Plough, and was re- 
commended by my friend Stingo to me — her 
only companion is a linnet; — flie feems marvel- 
lous unhappy, and enquires particularly, every 
time I fee her, concerning all our goings on at the 
Hall ; — and when I told her juft now that the 
wedding would be to-morrow, — fhe droop'd her 
head, wiped a tear from her cheek — and went 
in purfuit of her bird, that had ftolen from its 
Cfige — Mum — Hu(h — ftand afide ! 

£Maria, frcm the window, hangsout a bird 
in a cage, andfingi the JoUcrwing 

AIR vr. 

Thy freedom loft, no more, f*eet Bird, 

In phintive nrnfic rue; 
For, ah ; ihe wretch who thee betray'i 

- Enfnir'd thy millrefi too 1 
Thai xmbufli'd in the wily brake. 

The baneful ferpent lies ; 
And while the nymph its beaaty viewb 
She fee!s the lling, and diet. 

Faith I begin to think there's fomething forrow- 
fut enough in this poor lady's ftory. — {Lnoiing 
up to the window.) Ah, gra ma crie t whifper your 
troubles down to OXifFey, and fee what the heart 
of an honeft Irifliman will do for you— But, b« 
fbc hufht, here comes my m^fter in bis difguife. 
C? £nter 



Enter Melville from the coUagt in the hahU 
of a countryman.. 

Now, Stave, for my neareft way to the Hall — 
take this \quct {giving a letter) mi by the aid of 
your old admirer, Judith, you mull get it de- 
livered* to iiCT young lady i — Oiould I fortunately 
obtain an interview with Augufta, it muft be your 
duty to prevent a furprife. — You, O'LifFey, will 
w^t my further orders in the cottage. 


Well, your Honor is a fine, bold, enterprlGng 
genUeman, and will certainly get her. — 


. Get, her I To be fure an be will — and if I had 
tbat fweet little Canary-bird in the cabin there, 
with a fnug little potatoe garden and a pig of my 
own, the devil a bit woiild I envy him. 


Ha! ha [poor little Augufta! but juft eighteen yean 
old. I have reafon to know her age ; for fhc was 
born the very day the great bell was hung in our 
fteeple, and I was appointed Cleik of this FariQl. 


Come we lofe time. 

<■ MtLviLLi. Sioce mjr fond heart, AognlU'i, thine, 
O majr thy virgin hand be mine ; 
Love grant mc this reqaeft ! 
" Statk. O, Fortune! goddefs, brdwn or imir. 

Let Stave be free from waridty care, 
He'U never mind the reft. 
" O'L I F F B r- Safe from fatigue in yonder cM» 
Be qmetnefs O'LifFey's lot, 
And he will then be blelL 
"Tooithbk. Letnotj yepowcn vAo preGde, 

Love, Ease, or FoRTUNsbecIeny'd, 




SCENE — A Liirary in Sir Soiomos Oddly's f/oufi, 
a garden feeit thro' the v/indtuis and large /elding doart. 
Sir S0L.0MOS fiated at aftvif-taUt^ writing i/urreunJed 
with betiij faptri., He. 


(afler a pavfe) Read* " Thus died Mr. Alder- 
** man Con I ACj Brandy Merchant^ of Caodlewick- 
*< vard, after eating a hearty fupper at Vinixuru 
" hall; his^tn'^5 were ever good, and his charader 
" was high above proof', — he was fond ofrc3iJjniig 
'* the errors of his friends, and all his metres 
" met with general approbatioo ;— he loved his 
" holile, and was ruvt when mellow. — He wilhed 
" all Extijemen on the rack ; — and lies buried in 
" the vavU of his pariffa, at his pardcular reque^ 
** in one of his own pipes filled up with fam^ 
" iujl \ — "Theie's a fpecimcn of nty fubUme and 
beautiful — 'Gad, it will do ! — I fliall foon rival 
Daniel de Foe, or Joel Collier! 

The heron ftoati who danger Iconii 

May boalt the.r arms an3 tented Geld i 
Let Doify fame their brows adorn. 
So I the plumed pen may weild ; 
Smooth inditing, 
Ftalhy writing, 
Give more pleafure fure than fighting;. 
In days of yore, fam'd Troy aod Greece. 
ForHBLGN'ichatme contended long ; 
Yet all their feats had llept in peace. 
But for old father HoMGa'i long I 
Smooch inditing, 
FlaDiy wiitiog, 
Givs more pleafure lure thu fighting. 

^nterLADY Oddly 


Let me teli you. Sir, your daughter's behaviour 
is beyond all bearing. 

' " i5i« sm.nuriN. 




Andletme tell you. Lady Oddly, that your con- 
duft is intolerable :— How often have I requeftcd 
that would not intrude into this my fatiBum/anBo- 
rvm. — You have overturn'd one of the fineft cli- 
maxes that ever entered into the head of an hif- 


Hiftorian ! — a fiddlellick ! — Did ever man in 
your circumftances turn author ! — and on fuch 
a ridiculous fubjeft too ! — for it furely could never 
have occured to any perfon, except your wife felf, 
lo write " Memoirs of the Court o/Aldermen, with 
" a Parallel between PliUarchs Lives, and ihof? of 
'! the Lord Mayors of London ! " 


Zookers, my Lady, this is but an ill return for 
all I have done to pleafe you. — Did I not fome 
years ago ferve the pfBce of Sheriff, and accept 
the honor of Knighthood, at a Royal caudle drink- 
ing, purely to oblige and dignify you wiih the 
title of a Lady ; and afterwards retired from a lucra- 
tive bufinefs, and quited my comfortable little count- 
ing houfe in Diftaff-Lane, merely that you might 
reign the abfoluie Queen of this hamlet ? — Have 
I not given my confent to .your marrying my 
dutiful little Augufta, with almoft a, plumb, to a 
foolifh medical pdppy; — and fuffered you to turn 
my whole premifes upfide-down, to gratify your 
whim, by giving, forfooth, a rural gala on the 
occafion, and lallly did I not ; — 


Hold, hold; Sir Solomon, not quite fo faft ! 
The intended union between Augufta and Dr. Ca- 
momile was firft propofed to you by your old friend, 
his uncle. Commodore Larboard: — Indeed 
I warmly approve of the match ; befaufe I 



tWnk his nepbew is the fineft gentleman that ever 
boafted a diploma from the College of Fhyficians. 
The gala I acknowledge; but there would be no 
exiliing in the world without entering a little into 
Che fafhionable elegance of the times ! 


Fafhionable nonfenfe of the times ! 


But at the very moment when my fuperb de- 
corations are on the eve of being completed j — 
copper-plate cards of invitation aSually fent to all 
the neigbouring gentry ; — and I flattering myfelf 
with fhortly feeing in the Newfpapers a charming 
circiimltantial account of the entertainment, be- 
ginning a column, with " Lady Oqdly's Grand 
" Gala at Congo-hall on the Marriage of her only . 
" Daughter! " To have all my delightful fchcmes 
at once fruftrated, by the idle objeftions of a filly 
girl, is enough to provoke the anger of a faint. — 
In a word. Sir Solomon, your dutiful little Augufta, 
poCtively refufes to marry Dr. Camomile, 


The Mufe of Hiftory forbid— but here flie 
comes — ^let me queftion her — 

Enter Avgv si a, from the Garden. 

What anfwer, Augufta, can you make to thefc 
charges of high crimes and mifdemeanors, of not 
marrying Dr. Camomile, preferred againft you by 
your Mamma — come, come; — yourreafons, Mifs ? 


I had humbly conceived Sir — 


I fay— 


Nay, nay,- Lady Oddly, let the girl conceive 
for herfclf, I befeech you. 


I truft my dear father will do me the juflice to 
acknowledge, that ever fince this enexpeded union 



i6 JUSTlNTlMfi. 

was firft propofcd, I have conftantly cxprefled my 
averfion to it in the moft refpeftful terms ; — and 
altho' my fenfe of filial duty has thus far induced 
me to liften to his odious addreHes, yet as the 
fatal moment approaches, my heart feelingly tells 
tne, that we were never formed to render each 
other happy. 


Then the feelings of your heart are not worth a 
Jig; — for as yo/e^h (ays, in hia Hiflory of the 
Jews — 


JofepkiS, you mean. Sir Solomon ; — but what 
have wc to do with either Jews or Gentiles ?— Why 
don't you demand what are her objeEions to the 
Doaor ? 


Ay. — Ay that's the point ; why don't you anfwer 
. that Mifs ?— 


In my Opinion, Sir, both his mind, and perfon 
are equally contemptible. — 


Why, I mutlconfefsthat Dr. Camomile is not,in 
every refpeft, the fon-in-law I could wifli ; — but ail 
the young fellows of this age are mere cinnamon- 
trees;— the bark is more valuable than the whole 
trunk. — When Stab-ho and Polly-bufi wrote, it wa» 
otherwifcj — tbe youth of thole days were no more 
to compare to our lady-like gentlemen, than a 
Levant prune is to a French Phtntb ; — they have no 
tafte for true literature now : — but Dr. Camomile 
pofleffcs one charm that turns the Scale againft all 
his imperfeftions, and which cannot fail of making 
any reafonable woman happy. 


Pray, Sir, what is that ? 


Sterling calh, my little fweet-meat, — 




True, Sir Solomon ; for without that, a wife of 
fafhion and fpirit could not enter into the refined 
enjoyments of the higher fphere; and if deprived 
of thefe, marriage would lofe one of its moll 
deCreable charms. — 


Surely, my dear Sir^ and Madam, thefe cannot 
be your real fentimeats. 

, 'Jiahald, ienj'd thnr airjr flight, 

liie tenanta of the eaudy cuec. 
No more their warbliiigs breathe delight, 

Thofe notes are chaogM to Itraina of rage 1 
And Ibouldj perchance, in happy honr. 

Some friendly hand leave ope* the dOor^ 
Eagfer they fly the bonds of pow'r. 

And gladly part — to meet nd more. 
Not fo the bird wbofe choice b free. 

In jocand fpring he joins hii mate; 
Gaily tbey range from tree to tree. 

Their little breafls with joy elate. 
And if Ibme ruder breeze Ihould blow ; 

Or chilling rain diAurb their reft t 
Fondly they fliate each others woe; 

As deflin'd partneri of one neili 

What romantic nonfenfe !-^On my confcience* 
Sir Solomon, I ihould almoft fuppofe the girl's 
diflike to the Doctor proceeded from an attach- 
ment to fotne other perfon, but that I know 'tis 
impt^ble-^I have always kept too ftrift an eyeott 
her aflions, to be deceived. No, no: 1 defy 
«ny artfu! young huffey in England to outwit me. 

ZfUer Judith, running 


O, la, my Lady ! Mountfeer le Frizz, Dr. Ca- 

niomile's Levant currier, as he calls himfelf, is juft 

D dif- 



difmounted in the court-yard. He fays, your wor- 
fhip, that his mafter, and Commodore Larboard, will 
be here before he can well put his horfe in the flable. 


Oh! Melville, to what torture does your abfencc 
expofe me ! [ajidc. 


Now, rebel Mifs, we ihall foon make you bend 
to our authority. 


And I would wifli you, at the fame time. Sir 
Solomon, to iwuf a. little to the temper of the 
ComraodoEc ; for although you are the bell friends 
in the world — at a diftance ; — yet you never meet, 
but a quarrel enfues, and you part the molt de- 
termined enemies. 


That is, bccaufe the Commodore is fo very 
obflinate in his opinions; although he mull know 
that I am always in the right, and he, of courfe, 
invariably wrong. 


He doubtlefs thinks the reverfe, and perhaps 
with much truth ; — but of what confequence was 
it to either of you, whether Noah's Ark refembled 
rao^a Spanijh floatiiig battery, or a We/ltountry barge ? 
-—for this, it feems, was the fubjeft of your lalt 
curious difpute, and on which he left the houfe in 
a violent paffion. 


Well, well, that's all over: — Leave t^d Lar- 
board to mc, as I fliall his nephew entirely to you. 


Judith. Lord, my Lady, indeed ndir 1 hear 

Their fine carriage drive into the yard; 

Sir Sol, Then, Angafta, pray wipe oiT that tear. 
And our wilhea no longer retard. 



Can the rofe the rough feafons defy. 

And at will all its beautica impart ? 
Or can happinefs beam from the eye. 

While keen Ibrrow impreJTes the heart? 

LAsrODDLY. Cable, have done with this folly ; away* 
And your lover to welcome prepare : 

row's the long wtlh'd for day. 
It puts an end CO our care. 

AucusTA. If 'tis vain then to plead, why dehy 

To be happy, and baniOi defpair. 

All. F(r to-morrow's the long wijh'd for day 

Which at laH puts an rod to oar care. 

Augusta. defpair 1 

Judith. yourcare. 

End of thi first Act. 


A Hall, with a large _fialr-iafe,—fo cimtnvtd that the Cha^ 
raSien can afiend and dejiend in fight of the Audience. 

Enter Judith, folk-wed ly Stave. 


Nay, but my gentle Judith, why in this tanta- 
rnm ? — why raife that melodious pitch-pipe above 
its proper compafs ? 


Surely I faavc rearon— have I beheld thee thefe 
threcdays, thou charming traitor ? but that bewitch- 
iog face was formed to delude the wcaknefs of our 
credulous fex — the time was when you vowed you 
loved me, as regularly as our village clock ftruck, 
or the cock welcomed the morn. 




' AIR X. 

^hen fird you won my virgin heart. 

The time I well remember ; 
'Twas in the froft on dreary heath, 

"the fifteenth of December. 
The moon was hid, the fnow h^d fn^. 

The wind blew hard and chilling ; 
You fluv'ring cried " Ah' t here Sie comet 
^ •■ Zooki, wou'd the maid »erQ willing." 

Love (inil'd — and as we Aiding met, 
— : Refolv'd to fee us humbled ; 

Your arm encircled round my wailt, 

I flip'd, and down we ipmbled. 
Whilll thus together we redin'd 

On winter's lioary pillow ; 
You fwore yoa glow'd wi^b love fo trae, 

I ne'er fhoold wear the willow. 


' Why, my honey-fuckle, don't you know the 
whole bullle of iliis intended wedding falls on nie> 
or I fiiould no more have been abfent from theej 
than a gander from his downy mate. 


Go, go Stave, you don't love me \/ondly'^ your 
^ne flrange todger whom I faw juft now coming 
acrofs the Park, to the Hall, for all (he had 
covered her race with a long veil — Ihe has feduced 
your aiFe£lion? fforp me. 


Fajtb, Judith, I don't even know what bufinefs 
fhe can have here J and as for not loving thee, 
that's impoflible, for thy voice is fweeter than thd 
early lark's — and Jhriller — \afide\ 


Away, you flatter me, 


Upon my foul, I don't.— But tell me my dainty 
dove, how Madam Augusta received her in- 
tended bridegroom, the London Doctor, and bis 
uncle ? * 





O, there have been terrible doings ! — foon after 
l^eir arrival^ Sir Solomon, and the Commodore, 
went into the parlour, I fuppofe to make up their 
Jaft quarrel, where they now are, and left her 
Xadyfhip, and young Madam, with Dr. Camomile, 
in the drawing room : — I know not what pa0ed, 
further than that Mifs Augufta pofitively refufea 
to marry him ; on which her Ladyfbip, in a mod 
yjolent pallion, has juft locked her up in the 
chamber next the grove, and has given me the key- 
to keep, until Mifs Augufta thinks proper to obtain 
her liberty by confenting to the match. 


And yet for all the youngiady's averfion to the 
DoSor, truly Ihe has no objeQion to a hulband, 
poutd Ihe choofe her own yolte-fellow. 


What do you mean ? •— 


"Whydon't Ihe feem to be in love? 




Does flic not figh. — with to be alone — rcjid much 
in ftory-books, — make conMsary anfwers to plain 
queftions, — and fometimes fay to thee, O, Judith! 
and then flop, as if flife had forgot herfelf — eat 
little, — complain, pretty roguC;, me cannot fleep 
becaufe of provoking dreams. 


Are thefe Cgns of love ? 




Then furely am I in love I 


Lprd have mercy on me I 


for there arc but two things we differ in. 





Prithee what are they ? 


Why, I eat heartily, and flccp foundly, which 
fhe does not. 


Ay, hut I think you might give me a better 
proof of your love ? 


Name it. 


Convey this letter fecrcdy, and dircQIy, to your 
little pouting prifoner; — ''tis from a charming gen- 
tleman, who has a power of money, — why he gave 
me his purfe' to pay the pollage of it, and he will 
reward thee generoufly for delivering it: — that 
done I will unfold the whole (lory. 


Well, I will, on condition you promife to drink 
my health out of it, — and return in the evening to 
tell me all you know of the matter. 


Thy health ! why there's no talte in life's cup 
without it — 'tis the tobacco to my pipe-~the catch 
that makes me merry — and the tempter to re- 
plenifh my jug. — 

JvDiTK. Too gay deceiver fay no more, 

FuU eft youVe told me fo before. 
Til not fo, . 
No. no, no. 
To love me irte is not your plan. 
Thou gay dec>iver, wicked maa. 
Stave. May fiiogo never touch this Up, 

If 'tis fo. 
No. no, no. 
Your health to me it every blifi, 
'Tis true my girl, by this and this. [Kijii btr 
JtroiTHt Fie, lie, dear Slave, you're quite a bear. 

You've tumbled all my drefs. I fwear. 
Stave. To kifa the lafg we love's the vogue, 

Judith. AHl flattering dear ; ob, pretty rogue. 

\_Exeunl fiver ally 



LftDV Oddly aKrfDr. Camomile appear above, tht 

Doctor handing her Lad^Jhlp down the flight ef Stairs. 


"Whv, William, Roger, Peter ! fomebody throw 
open the large folding doors into the garden, or I 
Ihall faint ; for I protefs the unpolite behaviour of 
this pcrverfe girl has nearly flung me into hyfterics. 


Will your la'fhip accept of my arm, and picafc 
to regale your olfaftory nerves by participating 
of this quinteflencc ; — 'tis delicately prepared, from 
a prefcription of my own, at the exprefs requeft of 
the Dutchefs of Dimple. 


O, you are too good. Sir ; — the creature's want 
of breeding, has, indeed, given me an immenCty 
oi ennui. 


Your la'fhips politeffe, I fee, is confptcuous cvea 
in the choice of your indifpofitions^ 


Choice of my indirpofitions \ 


Undoubtedly, no woman of quality would deign 
for a moment to be indilpofed from any caufe in- 
cidental to her inferiors — 




Certainvient : ■ — Why there is my charming 
patient. Lady Spadilla Languifh, has a routine 
of derangement — for particular noons, as regularly 
as Ihe gives her routes and card parties at 


How new and fanciful ! 


Perfeftly fo : — it is quite genteel now to flip on 
a pleafing indifpofition with the morning dejhabille, 




and be compleatly reftored to heath the inftant it 
is thrown aGde for full drefs. 


Well, I proteft I ara charmed with the delicacy 
of the thought : — I really don't think I fhall fufFer 
a moment's health to intrude again before iGx 
o'clock in the evening ; whilft the fafliion lafts : — 
but furely this delightml invention mufl: be a fevere 
ftroke on the emoluments of you gentlemen of 
the college. 


Quite the reverfe ! why your La'fhip wouM 
, fcarcely believe that I rattled out no lefs than fix 
fetts of wheels in the courfe of laft winter, merely 
in taking fees from my fair patients ; when, in faft, 
the fovereign remedies for their feveral complaints, 
■were green fruit at breakfaR, to remove a pain at 
the (tomach ; a crowded Opera, or a Ball-room* 
to lower a fever : and a pstitjoupe at three o'clock 
in the morning, to prevent indigeftion! Lord, the 
"diforder would be nothing without a DoSor. 


How delightful ! 


Yes, the very quinteflence of the ton — The 
whole antediluvian mode of prafUce is now nearly 
abolifhed, and your La'Ihip's very humble fervant 
may be faid to conduft the healing art in the firft 
ftile of modern refinement, 


But you feel the pulfe as ufual, I fuppofe, 
Doaor ? 


What, feize the delicate hand of a lady, ac- 
cording to the old favage cuftom of the grizzle 
■wigg'd fchool ? — O, no, your La'ffiip — toute m 
contraire ! 


Why how do you manage it ? 





If it's a nervous cafe, which we term a fpafmo- 
<dic afFe^ion, I fet me down with my fair patient to 
a parly at Picquet, and contrive it thus— Quints 
Major in Hearts, Ma'am, fays I, I fancy are good 
for fifteen — yes, Sir, with fofteft fenGbility, fayi 
flie — three Kings are eighteen — then laying my 
two lingers on her lovely wrift, I go deliberatel/ 
■oa-'-nineteen — twenty — twenty-one — telling- the 
fluftuation of my patient's pulfe, with the variation 
of my own game — till the dear creature is either 
repiqucd, or capottcd. 


What an admirable idea ! 


^uite foj 

AIR xir. 

Wait old Galen to rife. 

From Elyfium below. 

'. ' Of modern complaintt. 

So little he'd know, 
' That amaz*d at the change. 

And &tnck dumb with furprife* 
He'd foon hurry back. 
Nor believe bis owd eyei. 
For Phyfic't exploded, fo altet'd the trade ii. 
And wou'd you but know how I pUare all the ladieij 
I prefcribe a court drefs. a mute or a bait, 
A piay or an opera, or vaay be all ; 
Firft couple lead down — 'twill do I can tell. 
Croft oirer— back again — now my lady it well. 

Let fboli their old nonfenfe, ^, 

Still folemnly broach ; 
While they trudge it on foot.— 

I loll in my coach ; 
They may pore o'er old books. 

And incelTantly toil ; 
.fie their's the doll talk, 
Mioe^FaJbivm tad Hvflt. 
I ■ For phyfic'i exploded, fcc. Ue, 





Charming ! What a difference there is, DoSor, 
between you and Old Potion, our blind Apothe- 
cary ! 


" The blind Apothecary !" {htJttatinA Yes, Ma- 
dam, I believe there is feme little difierence be- 
tween us (affcBediy) 


Oh! Ihave no patience with my little tafleleft 
fauQey, for being blind to fucb fuperlative merit. 


Indeed {viewing himjelf affcBedly) I do think 
Mifs Augufta's optics are not the cleared. 


But I'm determined (he (hall comply, and be 
rendered happy even againft her will : — the wedding 
muft politively take phce to-morrow morning, or 
all my feftoonsof flowerets will be faded, and the 
beauty of my gala utterly deftroyed. 


I honor your La'fhip's refolution; ' 


And now, dear Doftor, will you favour me, by 
taking a turn round the grounds, which I flatter 
myfelf your fine tafte will approve: — by this time 
the ruftic arti(b mult have nearly compleated their 
works, and will wait for me to dircft them in the 
finilhing touch to their decorations. 


I attend your La'lhip to witnefs the happieft 

Dr. Cam. Tho'gay your trees, perfume your How 'n, 
EnchaDtmcni all your groves and bow'is. 
Yet fcarce I wiflt to 2ir, 
For here fuperior charm* I fee — 
LAt>Y Odd LT. You flatter fure, you can't mean me ! 
My dear Sir. 



Jit. Cam. I love Auguft a faith 'lis trae, 

Buc 'tis becaufe She's fo like you, 

Such lovely Ihape I Majeilic ur 1 
LadvOudlv. Vou make me btuQi now I declare, 
O la Sir. 

•"Dr. Cam. The bloom of yoath ftill decks your cheek* 
Your accent mild when e'er you Ipealc, 
No rpoi yoor beauties blari 
*Pon honor's true each word I utter, 
"Lady Odd LT. Lord I'm allinfucb aflutter, 

Blersme Sir." 

[Exii Dr. Cam. handing out Lady Oddlt. 

ScEHE o ParUurj 

Sir Solomom Oddly uni/ CgMMoDoKB Larboard 

^Ifcevered at a tah}ei-~puncb baiuly glajjes^ ijfc. RogXr' 


Here Roger, replenifh the bowl. 


What quite full again, your worfhip ? 


Aye, up to the gun wale ! {Exit Roger} whjr 
the mutinous lubber would fend us on a voyage 
of friendfhip, with only fhort allowance on 


Why this is fociai and friendly nowj — I am 
amazed, Commodore, how you and I could ever 
have had the leaft difference, — and on fuch trifling 
fubjeHs too ! 


'Troth fo do I — 'twas very extraordinary, but 
as we have both fuffered the whirlwind of paffion, 
to unfhip the rudder of our underftandings, let ua 
in future give the helm to the direSion of rea- 
fon; and fecure our ill-tempers clofe under the 

E a SIR . 




Give me tliy hand, my old King of Clubs— give 
me thy hand ; we'll now turn over a new leaf, and 
begin a chapter of friendfiiip, which flial! end but 
with the finis of our lives, and never exchange 
another angry word ; and to make this agreement 
tbe more binding, let him that firft breaks it in 
word or deed, forfeit a hundred guineas* 


Agreed ; fill up the glaffes to the brim, to our 
hearty reconciliation : I'd bet a hundred guineas 
more that neither of us have ever an opportunity 
of calling on the other for the penalty. 


A hundred and five pounds ; a good round fam 
though my dear Larboard I 'egad if this Chriftian 
like treaty had been in force before our laft little 
war of words, your purfe had certainly been 
fomething the lighter. 


Not in the lea^, my good friend j for you muft 
admit, that in that particular cafe, you was 
out of [youT element, and undoubtedly the firft. 


Whc^ I ?— why did not you — 




Why won't you hear me ? 


Becaufe I know you will not fpeak to the pur- 


Have a care, have a care, 1 find your are going 
to fly out again, and treat me as that fturdy old 
Grecian Brvit-o did his amiable friend Cajh-o in 
the tent. 


1 1 Damme, how provoking that is now ! I never 




vas coder in my life— ^but I am poGtive I was in 

the rigbt. 


And I am pofitive I was not in the wrong. 


Now, Sir Solomon, why will you be fo ohftinate j 
only let me ftate the cafe, and I'll convince you ia 
a moment. 


Ko> I am fure you will not. 


Youll not hear reafon, then ? 


Zookers, you would exbaufl the patience of 
Job bimfelf. 


Who flies out now ? — who's in a paflion now ? 


Zounds ! am I in a paffion, you old fword-fifh ? 
if 1 was fure of not coming off with the vror0 
on't I'd foon make you as calm as I am. 


Sir Solomon, don't provoke me— confider who 
I am. 


Who you are ? 




Why you are— 


What ? 


As old a fellow as myfelf. 


'PQiaw, you're beneath my refentment, a 
ri<Uculous fcribbler, wbo dont know a Chart front 
a Logbook. 


This is too much to be borne — 'tis committing 

homicide, parricide, fuicide, and regicide, on my 

. acknowledged ittcraiy abilities, and a. general 




mafTacrc on every fide of my whole Court of 
Aldermen,' — therefore I defire. Sir, you and your 
puppy of a nephew, would quit my houfe to- 
morrow morning — for I'd fooner my daughter 
Ihould marry a Lord, who would fpend her fortune 
at Faro and Newmarket, than be allied to a man 
who has no more judgment than a porpoife, or 
command of his temper than a North Eafter ! 


Firftpay me the hundred guineas you have loft. 


I'd as foon give you the honor and copyright 
of all my poetry and biography. 
Expe6l to anfwer for ibis infult. 

Larboard. The next time we mec:— 

Sir Solomon. Stand off I entreat, 
Larboakp. Your houfe no proteflion may gife ; 

Sir Solouok^ I fear not jour threat. 
Lakboakd. I'll pjini(h you yet ; 

Sir SoLoHOH. In fpite of your rage I (hall live. 

And Qioul^ you but dare. 
Larboard. For law I doo't care. 

Si R SoLOUOK. ' With fwovi e'er attempt to difleft me ; 
Larboard. I certainly ivill. 

Sir Solomon. You'll (boo have yoar fill — 
Tog b t h E B. Jtba Dae — Richard Roe, lluU proteA me— 

jabn Dat-~Richard Rat, (han't protefl thee. 

^£xit Sir Solomon. 


There he fcuds — what an incorrigible hot- 
beaded fool!—- if I had been as warm as he is 
heaven knows what the confequence might have 
been-r—Aye, I always faid nothing makes a man 
fo ridiculous as pafSon — 

Enter RoGzvi, running. 

Well, Sir, who the devil fent for you ? 




I crave your pardon, Sur,— here's a ftrange 
lady without defires to fee your honor alone, and 
that immediately. 


A lady, Sirrah, defires a private interview with 
rae! it cannot be; forty years ago, indeed, I 
fhould not have been furprifed at fuch a thing, 
but now — harkee, Roger, is (he young ? 


. She feems fo, an pleafe your honour. 


Is {he handfome, you fly rogue, ah ! 


I conna fay, Sur, (he has a long white piece of 
fomething all over her head. 


Well, ftiew her in direflly, \_Exit Roger] now 
old Larboard who would have thought that — but 
mum, here flie is. 

£nter Maria, veiled. 

A trim-built cock-boat, truly — Madam^ I kifs 
your hands— I hope Ihe'll furl her topfail tho*, or 
I may chance to pay a handfome falute to fome 
old fea-beaten veflel of threefcore; — file's dumb 


You arc, doubtlefs, furprifed, Sir, at this vifit 
from an entire flranger; nor do I know fufficienily 
how to apologize for the inlrufion; yet I truft 
your goodnefs will pardon the liberty I have taken 
when you arc acquainted with the reafon of it. 



Handfome as an angel ! — Lovely creature pro? 
ceed. Her beauty has already taken polTeflion of 
the cabin of my heart : — fpeak. Madam, if 'tis 
in my power to ferve you, freely command 





I fear. Sir, I ffialt forfeit all title to tbat kind- 
neb you are pleafed to exprefs for mc, when you 
find I come but to trouble you with the melan- 
choly tale of a love-Gck girl. 


What a bewitching eye fhe has!— Ah! Lar- 
board, tbou an a fortunate fellow— 


You doubtiefs knew my father, who commanded 
Ac Warrior, and fell in the fervicc of his country, 
bravely fighting his fhip! 


How, the daughter of my old mcnhiate f as 
worthy a fellow as ever Jlepped between ftem and 

AIR xvr. ' 

When on board our trim reflel we joyouHy faU'iI, 

While the glafs circled round with full glee, 
JKng and cotintr/to give, my old friend never ful'd* 
And the toad was loon tofs'doffb/rae. 
£illow3 might dalh. 
Light' ning might flalh, 
Twap the fame to us both when at fet. 
If a too powerful foe in oar track did but pafs. 

We refolv'd both to lire and die free. 

Quick we ornnber'd her guns, and for each took ft gla&i 

Then a btoadfide we gave her with thtce. 

Cannon might roar,- 

Echo'd from fhore, 

^Twai the fame to at both when at fea 

Time, at length wiped the filial tear from my 
- check, and I pail my days in fcenes of domeftic 
fcrenity and content, till Love, ill-fated Love, 
intruded, and again deprived me of every com- 


Sweet creature, bow ihe difiblves me ! — the 
nioiiture I find has got into my fcuppers :— don't 




caft yourfelf away in defpair. Madam, nothing 
ihali be wanting on my part to bring you fafe into 
the port of happinefs ; and I think I may fay, 
without vanity, that you have placed your affec- 
tions on a pilot of fpirit and honor. 


Rather on a wretch, whofe condufl is a difgrace 
to mankind. 


Heyday! why that's not quite fo civil to onc'j , 
face, however. \afide, 


Unkind, ungenerous Frederic I • 


Frederic .' — I'm dreaming fure ! my name's 
Hannibal: — pi'ay. Madam, be fo obliging as to 
inform me what is the meaning of all this ; did 
not you come here tc — 


Throw myfelf on your proteftion — I fuffcred 
all your nephew's behaviour with fome degree of 
calmnefs, till hearing he had paid his addrefTes to 
the young lady of this manfion, I refolyed, by 
my appearance on the fpot, to obtain a redrefs of 
my wrongs. 


Zounds ! what a quickfand of miflake I had 
like to have foundet'ed on, if I had not "hawl'd my 
wind in time. [afide~\ — But how, in the name of 
wonder, did Dr. Camomile and yo.u become ac- 
quainted ? for I don't recolleft to have ever 
heard a fyllable of the matter before. 


Soon after the deceafc of my much-lamented 
parent I retired to France; at Amiens it was my 
misfortune to become acquainted with yournephew; 
then on a pleafurable trip to the continent — a 
mutual attachment fucceeded, and we were fodn 
F after 



after married, according to the eftabllfhed laws of 
that kingdom. 


His wife ! — Zounds, what a viper have I 
cherilhed in my bofom, and meant to have made 
my heir. 


He foon after received, or pretended to have 
received, an cxprefs, requiring his immediate at- 
tendance at Bologne, for which place he fet off, 
but never returned. 


The hypocritical young dog ! 


I have fmce received a letter from him in 
England, addrefTed to me in my maiden name, 
in which he informed me that there was an in- 
furmountable bar to our ever being legally united, 
for that, in confequence of your pofitive com- 
mands, he was on the point or giving his hand to 
a young lady of an immenfe fortune. 


I believe it will be his fortune to give his neck 
to an halter. 


Upon which I immediately embarked, and hav- 
ing learnt the name of the lady, and time of the 
intended nuptials, I came poll here to (late my 
cafe, and appeal to your juftice and humanity. 


Say no more, I Ihall from this time confider 
you as my lawful niece ; — Lady Oddly, to whom 
I mud introdoce you, will doubtlefs allot you a ■ 
hammock in her houfe for the prefentj and it 
fliall be my tafk to endeavour to bring your un- 
worthy hulband to a proper acknowledgement of 
his errors. 


The weight of this obligation — 





Call it merely an d.& of juftice; you owe me 
no obligation ; we are all fubjeft to beat up the 
rough channel of misfortune, and fplit on the 
concealed rocks of villainy ; it is, therefore, a 
duty wc owe to each other, as a part of the crew 
of fociety, in our different voyages through life, 
to prote^ the injured and fuccour the diftreft. 


" How poor is the man, tho' hs waalth fliould polteTi. 

" Who the impolfe of pity ne'er knew ; 
" But unfeeling could hear the fad tal: of dhlrefi, 

" And with'hold from miifbrtane iu due, 

" Tlie dementi ' rigor moch fooner I'd brave, 
" Which my veffelon fjol ground (hould ftrand; 

" Or in Bifcay'i rough bay meet a watery grave, 
" Than I'd cake {uch a wretch by the hand." 

[£:*(( Larboard ieaiiing of M.AtilA.'j 

Scene, an txttnfive Griroi of Trets, decorated with fef- 
Ixni c/JJawtrs, lamps, ^c. pendant /rem the branches : 
~~tnmejide a part o/SiR Solomon Oddly's Haufe it 
fun ; and between other wings-, fmall boslhs for ferving out 
Tifrejhments to acampany, — Stave, and a confidtrahle num- 
hir of male and female villagers, among which is Mkl~ 
yiLLE in his difgui/e, hanging wreathes of flowers an tht 
tnts, and round their trunks ^ Augusta penfivelj featti 
fl( xhe wiminu if the houfe. 

Stavi. Come, come buftle awaj'. 

The Sun isjaftfetting: 
FiiiT WoMBN. Now don't teaze oj, we pray, 
SicoHD WoMEH. You always are fretting : 
Stavk, If yoQ frown my deargirls,-" 

FnirWoMEK. Well, what if »e do f 
Stati. You'll never gel martied^ 

SlCOH D WoH I M. 'That's Dotbing to yoD, 




Melville. See on her hand flic leans her cheet. 

Perhaps llie thinks on me, 

[eijervtag Avgvsta. 
Augusta, Ah! Melville, where than now but 

How IhoaM I gaze on thee. 
Stavb. Come linilh diredly, pxay try fbr't. 

Her Ladyftiip's coming ; [Uaiiug bebind-l 
Mek. Ceafi! then your hamming, 

Stave. And the bridegroom — good lack, 

[locking again'] 
WoM BN. ni peep if I die for't. 

Stave. Zooker's ftand back. 

l^-dU tbt •woauii run towards tbt tBtraace. 


Now my dear pretty little rogues, fall baclCj 
pray fall back. 


Well, we will, we will. 


Go then to your feveral ftations : — You, Betty 
Brown, are to ferve out the coffee to the gentle- 
folks to-morrow ; Letty Dickens is to make lea ; • 
Chriftopher Codlin, you IhaU be mailer of the 
rolls; and I myfclf am appointed comptroller- 
general of the botdes and long corks. 

Enier Lady Oddly and Dr. Camomile. 


Rea.lly, the whole is laid out with prodigious 
tallc. [Augusta goes Jrom thewindow. 


See there, ■ Sir, the obltinate creature immedi- 
ately retires from the window at our approaching. 


How cruelly perverfe. 


Well, honeft.people, I fee you have completed 
your talk, 





'Pon honor, a pleafing affembUge of ruftic 
(trengtb, and rural beauty. 

[Laoiing through a glaft at the yillagers. 
I hope thofe girls who are to dance to-morrow 
before the vifitors will make no falfe fteps, and be 
very pcrfefl in their figure. 


You had better, damfels, fliew her Ladylfaip 
what you can do : — lads, take your partners. 

^A Dance with wreathes of finutrs and tambortns, during 
which Lady Oddly and Dr. Camomile art/tfitid, 


Very well, very well, indeed. 


Tolerable, tolerable. {Jeeing Melville) Stave, 
who is that ftrange young man leaning agatoft the 


What, thai? 


No, that. 


TTiat ! that !— Odd's bobs, the Captain I what 
ihall I fay, {afide) the ftrange young man, anpleafe 
your Ladylbip ? 


■ Yes! 


His name is Mel {J^opi himfelj. 


. What? / 


Zookers, I was going to blab all. {afide) Why, 
my Lady, he is — that is — he lives at — in the — the 
neighbouring parifh, and comes here to learn 


Learn pfalmody and in my grounds I 




. STAVE. ;, 

Yes, my Lady. 


What do you mean? 


'Sdeath I fliall be difcovered. 


No, no, ari'pleafe your Ladyfliip — I, I mean 
at my cottage; — and fo knowing him to be a lad 
cf pans, I got hini to come and give a helping 
hand in hanging the fellaons ^—that's all, upon my 


He's a very fmart handfome young fellow, come 
from where he will 


So, all is fafe yet. I wifh they would take their 
departure, that I might endeavour to fpeak with 
my lovely Augufta. 


Come, girls, follow me to the hall, and I'll give 
you the ribbons you are to wear at the gala: — 
Slave you take care of the men : — Dr. Camomile 
will have the goodnefsto exciifc me for ten minutes ; 
and if he will make a turn round the canal, I will 
meet him on the lawn. 


O pray, my Lady, fans ceremonie; the warbling 
of the birds will amufc me till your return. ■ 

[Exenai Lady Oddly and fevtaU 'viUagfrt. 
The Doctor ritirii t» tbt top of the Stage. 

Now lads, hey off to the Old Plough on the hill, 
but be fure you don't get tipfical — till I come; 
{Exit villagers] [To Melville'] 'Egad Captain, your 
woundy gentlemanlike appearance had like to nave 
brought us both into a marvelous hobble. 


It . was your confounded hefitation that bad 

nearly tuined all my hopes. 'Sdeath he here ftill t 

[^Exeunt Melville and Stavs. 



" Dr. C/iuoMi Lt^folus. 
I have at length got a moment's refpite from 
the antiquated mamma ; — the daughter is unqucf- 
tionabiy the only tolerable creature in the family : 
no matter, the moment I have obtained her fortune 
I'll drive off fjtown, and quit for ever 
fionof abfurdity. Ah! fure that's Lady Oddly's 
handfome bumpkin again ; what can he be loiter- 
ing here behind his companions for ?. He comes 
this way, and wifhes, by his manner, to avoid be- 
ing noticed !— I'll ftcp into this arbour, and ob- 
fcrve bim attentively. [Goes into Ihc arbour. 

Enter Melville. 


The co'aft is at laft clear — I'll feize the fortunate 

moment todifcovermyfelftomy immured angel 

Augufla ! fhe does not hear me ; perhaps her flurried 
fpirits may have fought relief in flumber! — if fo, 
ni gently wake her by the foft ftrains of her fa- 
vourite lerenade. 

The min d opprefs'd — by fleep may lu^e. 

To footh corrdfliiig grief; 
What hope, alai, if wayward Jove, 

Denies its kind relief? 
Rife then, my fair — (by flumbers ceafe. 

And bicfs thy faichfiil fwain ; 
Whofe bofom only beats for thee. 

Thy abfeace all his pain. 
The mimic death ; oh, quick farfalce. 
Awake, my love — my love awake 1 

Here's a pretty difcovery ! — the bewitching clod- 
hopper ; — ibig fufiiciendy accounts for artful Mifs's 
repugnance to my addreffes. 


Hift, Augufta, 'tis thy Melville calls. 





How impatient the rafcal is ! 

(Augusta appears at the window}. 


My dear Captain ! 


Captain ! tlie military in ambufcade ; here's an 
unexpected mine fprung indeed ;— -but I may out-' 
general the Captain yet. 


My dearefl: Augufla, I have learnt from Stave 
ycurprefent difagreeabte lituation. 


Oh ! ho ! that's the pfalmody he taught you^ 


Will you venture to defcend ? — a ladder is 
near at hand, and my horfes are ready in the vil- 
lage; hafte then, let us inftantly fly together. 


To eFcape unobferved is at prefent impof- 


Faith that's truer than you are at prefent aware 


But I have feciired Judith fn our intereft, who 
has faithfully promifed to releafe me in an hour's 
time ; be -therefore ready near the garden-door 
that opens into the wood, (the key. of which I 
have in my polTefrionJ exaftly at ten o'clock, 
where 1 will not fail to meet you. 


I ftiall certainly make bold to be of the party. 


Now pray retire, for fear of an unfortunate dif- 
covfery ! — remember the hour. 


Rely upon my punctuality and honor. 




AIR XVI. DUET. AuousTA and Mblville: . 

Till then adieu- 
Adieu my loye ; 
May no ontotvard faie decree. 

To blight our hopes in early bud, 
And tear lay ch&rmer far from me, 

" Believe me to my purpofe true, ' 
" TiU next we meet, adieu, adieu!" 

End 07 THE Second Act. 


jfn entrance to Sm Solomon Oddly'i Garden fram 

ihf Wtai, \ThtJiagt darkenid 

Enter Jiocrott. Camomile andhz Fkizz, 

Let tne fee — this is the garden-door which opens 
into the wood-—" perhaps I had better have mado 
** Sir Solomon and Lady Oddly acquainted with 
" their jdaughtw's intended elopement, and then 
*' have called her military lover to a fevere ac- 
" count tor his diflionorablc bufh-fighting, rather 
*' than to have adopted my prefent plan — but 'tis 
" now too late.". — Le Frizz conceal yourfelf be- 
hind thofe buQies, and keep a watchful eye on 
this fpot, whiltl I take a turn and fee if he is ap-. 
preaching through thatavenuc, "which feems to lead 
" immediately to the village, and be fure follow the 
•' dire£Uons I have given you." 

6 LB fEiz:?. 




Oui, Monfieur. v(kiz may depend* pon moi. 

AIR XVir. DocTcni,J 

Love's fev'rllh fic 

If ought my art avnil j 

By rearching pUI, 

I'll iry my fclll ; — 
Should th^t prefcriptl'^D fail. 

AH my (kill can, invent. 

This pair lo torment. 
Emetict cathartic and lotion; 

Dilute, ftrve, and feed. 

Cap. plaiAcr, and bleed, 
Coucli, fcarify, gargle, and potion. 
Next a bolu* of biiters ihefe fovers muft fwallow, 
Add a flfarp-bicing blifter fhall inftandy follow. 


Bnttr Melville in his prsper irtfif attended If 



I fear it is paft the hour of appointment — can 
you tell the time exaftlv, O'Liffey ? 


The time — by the time-piece, your honor, in my 
flomach, it muft certainly be near fupper-time — 
Oh, may the devil take this fame love, fay I, it will 
be the death of us both — there have 1 been cooped 
in that little plalm-finger's cabin thefe two hours, 
without even a folitary potatoe, or a toothful of 
whilky, to amufe my poor appetite. , 


Prithee hold thy idle tongue. 


My idle tongue — Faith then, your honor, I 
wilh my idle tongue was otherwife engaged, fure 
enough — I am honeftly indebted three meals to 
my itomach, and can't get one to bail me— r" I 
^' have confefled judgment to hunger, and famine 
" wiU 



»* will certainly ferve execotion on me"— Well, of 
all the living deaths in this wide world, keep poor 
Barney O'LifFey from ftarvation I 


Are you fure that my piftols are fafe in the 
pockets of the chaife, and your's placed in the 
bolfters of your Taddle. 


Yes, your honor— I'm well enough armed, I 

wilh I was as well fed-^but fliould there be an 

. occafion, hunger, and the hopes, of getting to a . 

plentiful inn, have made me fo defperate that I 

could a€t wonders for the honor of litUe Ireland — 


Hark, the village-clock ftrikes the hour [the 
docifitikes ten] ten, we are just in time, then. 


Pray, Sir, faving your prefence, doc» the old 
gentleman in black walk here ? 


They tell us he's ?vcry where.— 


Lord help my foolilh bead — I thought he had 
bufinefs enough in London to keep him from „ 
rambling into the country- — though to biake con* 
fbflion, your honour, to be fure there is the devil 
to pay and play too fometimes in my own dear 


Where did you leave your horfe ? 


My horfe; — I left him comfortably eating his 
fupper, near the bottom of the old tree at the top 
of the hill, as happy, poor Ibul, as liberty and 
good grafs could make hiin,-*-0, Wiraftrewa! I 
wilh big poor malter was haJf aa well qS, 


Grazing, you blockhead I^run direflly and 
make hini faU to the chaife in the thicket. 

Q% O'UfFEV. 




Make him fall to the chaife ! well I will, your 
honor.— -Upon my foul this mailer of mine feein» 
determined that neither man nor beall fhall have 
a mouthfol in comfort with bis confent. — O what 
would I give now to fit down to a comfortable 
flice of corn-beef, with about a dozen mealy 
potatoes with their jackets on. [Exit 

Enter DocTOK Camomti.E anJ Le Frizz an oppafite 
ftdti ef thtjiagi, wUh ptJIsU. — MxlvillE on feeing them 
Sartt back. 


.Ha ! furprifcd by two armed men — do you come 
to rob me ? 


'No, captain, you are the robber, who coroe thus, 
free-booter like, to carry from thefe domains that 
treafure which I claim, and which her friends are 
rcfolved 1 fiiall poflHs. 


I know yoa now t 


Then ioftaDlly refign all pretenGons to the lady, 
andquft this place for ever, or — 


No power on earth fhall force me to coriceflions 
in violation of my love or injurious to my honor. 


Since that is your determination, Le Frizz afiift 
me in fecunng this bold adventurer. 

[As they advance te /eixe Mzlville enter IjARsoard 


. How! two arm'd pirates about to board one 
poor defencelefs veQel I 

LARBOARDy^^5 in belwem Doctor Camomile 
end Melville, cautjeizei ihe/ormer iy the arm. 




Zouilds ! my old uncle by all, that's honeft. 

[Dropi his fnjlol. 

[Melville mmediaUly turns upon Le Frizz 
ani/hiies him, who rum out caliing murder, jirt, iSc, 
Melville follows beating him.^ 


My hopeful nephew, by all that's villainous — 
So, Sir, I now find I cannot even take a folitary 
evening's walk without running foul of fome ^ 
your enormities. 


Sir, when you are made acquainted a little— 


I am acquainted with too much already, 


But this man. Sir, is my inGdious rival. 


Not in the afFeflions of poor Maria. 


Ah! Maria — then he knows all> and I am 
ruined [qMe.l 


If any thing could make you more defpicabfe 
than your (hameful condu£t to an amiable woman 
it would be your alfaflin-like attempt on a gentle- 
man, who appears, by his uniform, to have the 
honor to bear bis Majefty's commiflion. 


But my dear uncle. — ■ 


No reply, my dear puppy — I won't hear a word ; 
if ever you hope to obtain my forgivencfs, and 
be appointed to the command of my fortune, re- 
concile yourfelf to your injured wife, and make 
an ample apology to the infulted officer, or, 
damn me, never dare look an honeft or a brave 
man in the face again whilll you live. 

My duty to youj Sir, will induce me Ilrifily to 
pbey your injunction. 





I wiDi you could afOgn a better motive than 
your duty to me, for ftriking the flag of vice and 
boifting over it the ftandard of virtue^ 

[Camomile bows. — Exeunt en efpjiujldti tfthefiagt. 

A Pari-liit paling, inckjmg a plantatian 
£nter Ms LV1J.LZ and O'Liffey. 


S'death that yelping cur of a Swifs has alarmed 
the whole village 


I never heard fuch an howling as the outlandifli 
brute made^ in all my born days before. 


The bullle has unquellionably prevented Augulhi 
from kecfang her appointment— be on the watch, 
O'LjfFey, [Exit OXiffet.] 1 muft return to the 
fpot, if but to make my acknowledgements to the 
flranger who fo generoufly came to my relief — Yet 
ihould I be difcovered by the villagers, the reputa- 
tion of my Augufta might fuffer in. the opinion of 
a cenforious world — it ill becomes a foldier to 
avoid an enemy. 


But war, the fpear, and tented £eld 

No longer now my boforo burns, 

Tolove triumphant I muft yield. 

While rage to fofter paflion turns.— 

£titer O'Li ft s.r. 


O, thunder anounds, your toaor, I hear the 
whole troop advancing. 


The noifc flill approaches nearer. 





I fee them now in the thicket — by the number 
of their lanthorns there muft be at leaft forty men, 
women and children, armed with (hiUelahs, tickles, 
fcythes, pitchforks, pokers, and the devil knows 

what They have laid rough hands on the fmooth 

legs of my poor bead, who is kicking, dear creature, 
'.as if he was — in the fits. 


Ha! here's a fenced coppice — I'll get over it 

ibr a moment, and fo avoid them fhould they pafs 

this way— O'LifFey, follow me [zets over the fenu.l 


Follow you — O, by my foul you have got on the 
right fide for once, and to be fure I'll not be after 
you — when I was a boy, I was always the devil 
for climbing after forbidden fruit, and little birds 
nefts — what's the matter with you now, O'Liffey ? 
Arrah fure I have got over a higher place than 
this in iay time— troth I think I am about to do 
fome great good deed, and the old gentleman 
in black is pulling me back again — my dear friend, 
Barny, you had better try again, or you may 
chan(;e to get your bones well thraihed by fome of 
thofe fpalpeens Qatls ; — now I'm up, I think I can 
cafily findmy way to the bottom without a finger poft 
[fits on the top of ike paling"]. Faith 'tis not every 
one that is elevated can fave his neck fo eafily by 
dropping. — fo down you go Barny. [^jtmtps aotoa, 

Changes ton elijlant part ^ Sin. Solomon Oddly s 
Garden, the Moon appears rifmg. 

Enter August A, wi/A Judith, 


Good Judith, make no more delays — I'm fure 
'tis pall the hour— he'll be all impatience. 




wcU, I can't blame you, for truly he's a delicious 
youth, fuch A Oiape — fuch an air !— eyes like dia- 
mpnds, and juft the nofe that I admire. 


Prithee, no more words, but pray begone. 


Blefs us, how hafty we lovers are lE^'t, 


The fortunate difference between my father anij 
the old Commodore, may for ever releafe me from 
the odious addrcfles of the Doftor — it has at leaft 
prevented the oeceffity of an immediate elopc- 
jaetit — though the confcious moon feems to invitct 
me, by its fdver light, to fulfil my promire, and 
fiy with the miin I adore. 

AIR XX. Rondbav. 

" Ye fable cloDJs, O veil thofe htims, 

" Which tempt my willing heirt 
" To trace the mors-gronn path along, 

" And prompt me to depart, 
-" Afiifl me, PrudencCi cautious maid, 

" To IWay my doubting breaft, 
" Bring fober reafon to thy «d, 

" And bid thU rebel reft j 
" Yet, O my Melville, ftiU to you 

" This bofom beats with pai&oD true." 

[Augusta retires to a garden-chair under a tree. 
Enter Melville. 


•' This place is all enchantment — I cannot ob- 
•* ferve a human creature — yet I thought I heard 
" a female voice, charming as a fyren's — Ha! 
** Augufta--it cannot be!" 







It is, by all that's happy— The fame, and your's 
for ever. [.^^^ embrace. 


Where's Judith ? 


I have not feen her. 


How did you come here then ? 


I leap'd the^ing to avoid being difcovcred, 
and iove and chance have guided me to all my 
luul dehre«. 


Come then, let us retire privately to the houfe 
for a few momftnts and devife fome means to fe- 
cure our union without a clandeftine elopement. 
I may be fought for and difcovercd here. 


Rather let us put it out of fortune's power to 
part us again. 


No, Melville, 'tis my province to rule before 
marriage— your's after. A violent fracas has hap- 
pily arifen between Sir Solomon and bis old com- 
panion ; the bed of it is, my father refblutely de- 
clares that he never will confent to my marrying 
the nephew of Rich an overbearing paOionate old 
man. Judith fliall therefore conduft you privateiv 
to the village, and in the morning you may, if 
you pleafe. make'a formal propofal to my father; 
if he rejefis it, I will fubmil implicitly to your 


Which fhali be to take a trip to Scotland. 




MiLviLLR. Believe chsnning maid, 

A food youcfa, who adored you. 

The fure «sy to be happ^t 

Liei open before yoo ; 

The paths deck'd with flow'rct*> 

By Hyvoen implanted. 

From feeds of true love ; 

And by Cupid 'lis haunted.— 

AvcviT*." Rely deareft youth, 

Sou know I regard yon. 

Their arts Ihall not triumph. 

In vain they difcard you. 

I'll fly with you dieariy. 

Like hind o'ei the mauntaiot 

The bird fwift in fiigbc. 

Or quick Hreani from the fouDtaia. 

MiLTiLci. Then laylhalt we loon be united forever } 
Ave usTA. We will, nor fiiall fate my afiecliont e'er fever. 
Then no dangers we'll fear, which oar foes may intend os. 
While honor prcfides love will ever befriend n, 

(Bxeunt towards the haufg. 

SCENE ckangei again to the entrance to Sir Solo- 
mon Oddli's Gardmjrom the Wood. 

Entsr Dr. Camohilc, 

This wood has in it fo many turnings and bye 
paths, that hy pafltng fbme of the moft obfcure of 
them th4 Captain has eluded my endeavours to 
meet him^ in order to comply with my uncle's 
defire, by making hira an apology ; but if he is- 
refolvedco keep bis appointmeiU be mult unavoid- 
ably return to this place 

'^VTiiTii opens the Gardm Door, 
The garden door opens! 






Hift, hift. Captain Melville. 


This is AuguEla's raaid ! — What can be the rea* 
ioD of her coining here inftead of her miftrefs ? — 
my curioGty is excited — HI fee what It means.. 


Captain Melville, is it you ? 


There can be no harm in humouring the miftakc, 
and feeing the ilTue of the adventure. (*Jide) Yes, 
it is me, fpeak fofily — I fear we arc oblerved. 


1 hope net — Lord lis very dark — the moon is 
now quite bid behind the clouds — welt it is a 
pJeafant time for lovers— if I had a fweethean, 
i think I (hould like the dark wonderfully. 


What does the amorous Abigail mean ? 


My young miftrers, poor little foul, ic fo impa- 
tient — indeed. Captain, I believe fhe doats on 


Hum i — come lead me then to her. 


Well, you have the fofteft hand that ever I felt. 


fi'deatb, lead on. {Exit ItUo the Garden. 

SCENE, the injide of ihtgardm. 
£nter Judith and Dr. Cahouilz. 


How ! — the bird is Oed — (be has perfaapa taken 
M turn into the next w^k — do you (tep into yonder 
arbour until I fee if the old lady and gentleman 
are fafe, and III fend Mifs to you here dired.)y. — 
Captain^ indeed I — I never met fucb a tame cold 
H a creature 


fit JUST :N T5ME; 

creature in my life before — little Stave's worth a 
thoufand of him. — 

[£jr('( JUBITH, 

[Doctor Camomile retires inio the arbour. 
Enter O'Lif FEY, with a large hedge-Jlake. 


Ob, the heavens preferve, you, poor Barny 
O'Liffey. — I have been groping about this defert 
■of a garden full half an hour, and can't find cither 
myfelf nor my poor mafler — I expeft every flep 
I take to be fhot by fome of them devils of fpriiig 
guns, or put my foot in the mouth of (ome great 
gridiron of a man-trap, with teeth as long as my 
'arm! — -"and what's worfe than all, I'm in danger 
" of bdng drowned, for 'tis fo dark that I cant 
" fee a great big moat from a bowling-green" — 
Oh may the devil confound this fame love, I fay, 
«ver' and' gVer again — a mighty pretty figure 1 
ihould be after making^here if I was d'fcovered— 
arrah what cuuld I fay ?— I could expect nothing 
lefs fure than to be hanged up alive— O Barny, 
O poor Barny O'Liffey — if 1 was to lofe my life now 
I'd never forgive my mafterif I was to live for, fifty 
, years after. — [Vir.C/ corner from the arbour. '\ 
Arrah, is not that my hopeful knight-errant of a 
mailer, Captain Melville, coming down the walk — 
O the heavens bepraifed, I have blundered on him 
at lafl, however. 


Perhaps I had belter not have- entered the 
garden in the manner I have. 


By my troth I was juft now faying the fame 

thing, and likewife, that 1 had a£ied more like a 

madman than a man of fenfe in following you, 

not that I, in he Icafl, feared that durly puppy of 

a Doftoi;' 



a Do8or, for may my poor eyes never fee fwert 
day-light again if I don't think him a moft con- 
temptible poltroon. 


'S death, this is fomc fervant of the Captain's 
that has miflaken me for his maftcr, and foUoy^ed 
us into the garden-i-it muil be fo- 


Ha, ha, ha ! I am thinking, your honour, fliould 
we be fuccefsful, and take away the- young lady* 
how that poor devil of 3 Doftor will rave and 
fwear.— Oh if I had him here juft now,-to be fure 
I wou'd n'l unfrizzle his top-not — ogh to be fure 
an I wou'd; I'd dull his coat for him with this liule 
bit of a twig in my fift, here. 


This is almofl too much to be borne — but 1^1 
be calm, and not difcovcr myfelf. 


Hufh, there's fomebody coming this way — upon 
my foul by the ruflling it muft be a petiicoai — 

ho!---I begin to fmell a plot, and fo, as I hate 
to fpoil fporl, I'll beat a bit of a retreat juft into 
the next walk— for though the moon may not be 
afliamcd of twinkling her face- upon thefe occa- 
fions, that no reafon I Ihould lend her a hand to 
put my matter out of countenance; as, with aU 
her peeping, (he'll not enable him to diftjngnilh a 
peach from a potatoe. lExiL 


It Ihall be fo, I'll revenge myfelf on her pride 
by my indifference, andboaft to her of the regard 

1 have for another, which in honor and duly I 
ought to have.— Egad I'll go immediately and ac- 
quaint Lady Oddly with my refolution.-- 

Enter Maria. 


Gpod heavens— Frederic! [afide and agitated. 




I did not Qatter myfelf, a few moments ago, of 
having the honor of meeting you here. 


I have but too much reafon to know it. 


I have, however, to thank your oxiTeBicm do- 

mefUc for the introduQion. 


My domeftic! — he certainly miQakes me for 
AugufU. {afide. 


Be under no apprehenfions. Madam — from this 
moment I fhall not endeavour to countera^ your 
wiOies or difturb your peace. 


O that be addrefled thofe feniiments with (tn- 
cerity to me. ' ' \a/ide. 


For bad a union taken place between us, I con- 
fe& it had been merely a mercenary one on my 
|iart, a previous engagement to another lady 
preventing me from fufficiently eftiroating your 
merits. — 


My hopes revive. \djide. 


In fbort. Madam, an accident has happen'd 
that has awakened my conrdence, and as I confefe 
inyfcif a pennitent— it is now my fixed intention 
to do juftice to my injured Maria — to lay my for- 
tune at her feet — and to emplore her pardon. 


Know then Maria grants it. 


Amazementt Maria ! — is it impoffible ? and can 
you forgive ? 

Pray no more, my Frederic, let us then 
jnftantly make your worthy uncle, and Sir 



Solomon's famUy acquainted with this our forttuiate 


Which I flatter myfclf will be the means rf 
reconciling all parties. 


It has at leaft rendered me the happieft of « 

The Qkipwre^M tar, on Hllowi toTiM, 

LaOt'd to Ibine plaokt and lighing ; 
'llie land in view be hoped to gaist 

Hioifelf o'erwhelm'd and dying, 
Contd karce conceire the joy I feel, 

Thui chssg'd my haplefi doom } 
Should Fortune lave him from defpair, 

And waft the wand'rer home. 


Enter CUFFEY. 

O, by my foul, a plot fare enough ! — I overheard 
the lalt part of their converfation— and fo we are 
on Mr. Sir Solomon's premifes after all — well, K 
and my mailer were moft certainly born under a 
pair of lucky planets. — I once bad my fortune 
lold me by a cunning old woman in the county of 
Tipperary, and flie faid I Ihoukl be in danger of 
being ftarved, drowned, and hanged, but that i 
night be preferved for a tight fmart neat bit of ai 

girl, with a but who the devil's a coming 

now ? — another petticoat by all that's temptations — 
now. Mr. Barny O'Liffey, you ibaU have a little 
bit of a plot of your own — I'll fay a tender thing 
or two to her that will trip up the heels of her heart 
•^j leave an Irifiiman alone for that,— 


$fi J tJ S T I N X I M Et 

£7tler Judith. 


. Caf^in Mclvilie, I can't find Mib Augufk, 
bul I guefs {fae is gone to her drefling roomj where 
if you pleafe you may follow her, for all is fafe, 
and you may venture.^ — 


Oh, ho, fnug's the word (a^e) I'm extremely glad, 
, my jewel, to hear all is fafc, but he has ventured 
already, — 


Ah, a firanger ! — who are you ? — what do you 
want ? how got you here ? 


Not fo fall, niy dear — why if your fweet little 
bit of a charming tongue gallops at this rate, how 
ifae devil can 1 keep pace with you ? Arrab, 
begin again, my jewel, if you pleafe, and let us have 
one quellion before the other, and then I'll anfwer 


Well then — what are you ? 


Captain Melville's Irilh portmanteau, honey— 
I. carry his travelling equipage— -I was born at 
Templeoge, in the County of Dublin, and my 
name is Barny O'Liffey, at your fervice— there 
now, my jewel, I have given you my birth, 
parentage, and education, in a minute. 


How did you get in ? 

• ' O'LIFFEY. ■ 

Like a bird, my jewel — I fcrambled up the 
wall, and then hopp'd down ijito the gardenlike a 
magpie — 


And pray where is your mailer ? — I left him 


My Matter ! ob, my dear he's juft gone, and 



\s now engaged with your miftrers— and I, like a 
g6od fervant, mean to follow iiis example with her 
maid. - itaics hold t>J her, 


None of your liberties, friend — 


Liberties! — arrah, gel out with your felf and 
your liberties, dy'e think I'd be fo timberfom with 


I don't want to know — but Come give a better 
account of yourfelf. — 


Account of myfelf--bav'm I told you, my jewel, 
that I'm an Irifhman, and is not that plenty 
of intelligence for any woman breathing— how- 
ever, if ybii infitt upon being betrer acquainted 
with rae, you mult know that'I am a bird of chance 
OS well as paflage. — 


What's that ? 


What's that ? — One, my fwcet creature, tbat 
likes all countries and cuftoms alike, Ireland, 
Seringapatam, Venus, Cbnllantinople, Clonaktlty^ 
or the Bog of Allan, are all the fame to Barny 
O'Liffey, who Dill carries with him a light heart, 
aye, and a tinder one, all the world over. 


A (tnart fellow, as I hope to be married ! he 
may affilt me in my . fcheme to route the jealoufy 
of Stave, and induce him to do me that jullice he 
has To often promifed ; [ajide) Are all women, as 
well as coimtries and cultoms, alike to you } 


All oF the right fide of thirty, my dear, 


Then there is hopes for me, for I want a month 
et it. 

I 0'lIFF£Y. 


§8 JUST IN tlME; 


. A nwMith ! O then youll fee what a month well 
ni^k^ of it— ph, by my fout. it Ibatl be the month 
of niohths-~Coine thocum poge ma Colleen Dafs! 
put your arms aboot my neck aad fiil the bargain 
at once. 


What tbe deoce would the man be at ? 


What would I be at! Arrah why d'ye aflt me 
fufirfa. a^fooliih <]iie&ion? Ob, I'll Hick to you like 
■ the oak to the ivy. 


The charijiing fellow !— You are very warm in 
your endearments. If I thould be good-natured 
and like you, could yo'u be conftant ? 


- Conftant ! Faith you may fay that ; I'll be as coO' 
ftanlas the moon) Or any other ftarinibe firmament 


la Freedom I'd live, though j'onr Slave I may be* 
Singf»n«kia, (lag fannane. 

then to your arms my {*ect creature take me, 
'Whollnoilic while I'm telling the truth d'y^^e. 

With my chic a che ouriloA' ]H Isra la lava^Ia t»» 
And ir while yon love, from a breafl fUI of hate, 

Sing^riinna, fiog farinane ; 
Yoa malce me a widojx' in (piteof old fate» 
When dead you (hall never again fee me mate. 

Withmy chic a che, &c. 
Then wbHH we fland fti'l. let us pleafjre purfue,. 

Sing farinana, fmg farinane ; 

1 hace to look backwards when beauty's in vibw, 

' Far die light-that it black alwayt maket me Ibdk bliie> 
With my due q che, fee. 
In all the wide world were no woman but yoo* 

Sing farinioa, fing faranine. 
The reft I'd forfalce, and to you won'd be true ; 
■ Then ybnr Irithraan love, ogh I fee that yon do; 
With my chic a chc ourilow la Uia la lara U le. 




£nier Stavi hehiiid Mow. 




"We'll go in tlien and talk more of it. 


Talk more of it, ay, and by my foul we'll make 
more of it too, if I'm notmiftaken, arrah — Qian't 
we my jewel ? 


Not 'till the tad amen is faid over little Stave. 


No — that's foolilh enough now ; come, come 
Judy-gra, do now, and convince this clod-hopping 
regiAer of marriages and births — that we iotend 
employing him foon in both cafes. 


You fee. Stave, I am not on my laft legs — there- 
fore fay, will you marry, me to-morrow — ay, or no. 


Ay, on the word of a Clerk — for a friend here, 
\Jaying his hand onhii hrea/i,l tells me, that when a 
woman through love has placed her honor in the 
keeping of a man — he muft be unworthy of leading 
a pfalm, if he does not take her to his bofom, for 
better and for worfe. 


Then there's my hand. 


Oh, thunder and nouns — what a devil of an un< 
certain liiiju this love is — arrah Judy, Judy, (tol- 
ing her hand) fure you would not be after playing 
the fool with youi'^lf, you devil. 


fl^tkdrawing her kdndj. Indeed, friend, I have 
y iieen playing with you to fecUre tny Stave's 
hand, who has long bad my heart. 


YoHT heart— If that'slhecale, my jewel, why then 

I'll not Hand betwixt and between you, as O'Lifiey 
Is would 



would not give a rap for your love, unlefs youi; 
heart was flung into the bargain, — fo my tight 
little pfalm-finger, give mc your hand, — I heartily 
wifh you happy — the' I am fure you'll fing your 
pfalms devilifbly out of tune before the honey- 
inoon'& over. 


No, we mean to become candidates for (ho 
Dtinmow Flitch of Bacon — don't we Judith t 


Yes, and for the honor of humble matrimony, 
we'll win it too. 


Flitch of Bacon? Ay, win it, andnwiirit, and 
the Devil burn him that ever wiQies to deprive 
you of a rattier of it, 

£tati. You mydztnM be but hind, 
JuDtTK. ^ndyoune'er prove a rover. 
Stavi, Atruertad you'll never find, 
JvoiTH. I'futli we'll live ia cover. 
BoTN, Then qaick away, 

Not tbink of care or foirow* 
JvBiTR, But laugh and dancCi 

Stavi. And kils and play, 

Both. To-morrov and to-morrow, 


SCENE. Augusta's Apartmmt. 
Enter Augusta and M£lville. 


Believe n)e> Melville. I difpenfed with all my 
fex's little difTembling am, not doubting but I 
fliould make you more truly mine, by an undif- 
guifed confeflKin of the pariiahly I felt for yoli. 


3y your dear felf I fwear. 




Hold, hold, I am not to be deceived, like too 
many of my fex, by the alluring profpeCh of dclufive 
liope, which have too often no better foundation 
than the airy vows of at> admirer. 

Fancy p^t$ the flattering fcem, 
Aod courage animates her mien. 
On Hope's fmooth piaiont fee her fife. 
She leives the earth to foar in Ik es, 
'Til love's delulion fans ber wings 
And while flie Ibars, fbe chesTfulfings, 

5»V Solomon Oddly and Commodore Larqoaks 


Old Larboard, how can you fuppofe that my 
little Augufta would introduce a mati into the boufe. 
I telt you once more, I faw them. 


Heavens ! — what (hall we do ? here's my lather 


Don't be alarmed, my love, he may as well 
know oi our attachment now, as hereafter. 


Not for the univerfe ; if he fhould difcover 
you here, in this clandeftine manner, I ihould 
forfeit bis good opinion for ever. 


Augufta, my pretty innocent, open the door. 


Ay, ay, open the door, 


How unfortunate— there is no way for you to 
efcape — pray let me prevail on you to ftep into 
this clofet till they arc gone. 


Difpofe of me in what manner you pleafe. 




MELVILLE goei ivi« the dofet, Augusta iacib t7„ 

am then opens the room door. 

Enter Sir Solomon and Ctmmodore LARBOAitW 

sill SOLOMOK. 

There, now you feCj you obllinate man, that 
no perfon is here but my girl— What is the matter 
lovey F — you feem all in a flmter. 


Indeed, Sir, I am a little difconcerted- 

I Taw the lug-fail boat ran into this very creet. 
and here he has let ^ anchor— It is impoffible I 
fiiould be deceived. 


I tell you once again you are always deceived ; 
your hopeful nephew deceived you, and you are 
deceived in your opinion of roy daughter. 

Pray, Mifs, favour Sir Solomon with the key 
of this cabin; 


No, ffie fhall not— I wont fuffer her to give ftich 
an unbeliever any further proofs of her innocence. 
Wh^I does the man think the poor de»r creature 
has got a beau hid in her bandbox.? 


Very well; very well! aft as ytku pleafc — I 
meant all for the beft. 


Come, my little May-flower, convince this fut 
picious man that hisfurmifes are without foundation. 


What fhall I do ? [Afide.} Pray, Sir, excufc me. 


Give me the key, this inftant; I infill upon it. 


Ail is ruin'd ! [AJide. 


Now you'll fee who is in the right— I afliire you, 

old Larboard, you'ltmake a very ridiculous figure 




here, after aH. (wtlockstke Clofit. door and dijcovers 
MfiLVELLE.) Hfey-day ! Zounds who Viave we 
here ? Sir, your moft obcdfem. Why, AugHfta, 
child, you feem, indeed, a little ditcoocerted. 


Wfeat, my figfeting firiend aigain ! I aflure you, 
old Oddly> you'll make a very ridiculoas figerc 
here, after all ! 

SIR S0L01W0K. 

TBiawf yoH're a fool. ■ Ptay, Sir, who che de- 
vil are yo« ? 


. Your daughter's lover, Sir. 


I guefled as much — Some very honourable for- 
tune-hunter, I fuppofe — and the ia an exceeding 
prudent, modeft, young heirefs.; and as you feem 
fo perfeflly formed for each other, I defire you 
would both quit my houfe for ever ; for I mall 
no longer confider myfelf as her father. 


Then I fiiall. 


[To Sir SolomoTtj I difclaim. Sir, every idea of 
4eugn on your daughter's fortune, having honor- 
ably acquired, in the £aft, wealth fufBcient to en- 
ble me to fupport her in that fphcre of life to 
which her mental and petfonal accomplilhments fo 
juftly entitle her. 


A nabob, by all that's lucky— Pray, Sir, pro- 
ceed — I have a better opinion of you, by hall^ 
than I bad. a minute ago. 


If you will blcfs me with your confent to make 
Ai^ufta''mine for life, 'tisall I w-ifli or hopeTor. 


Why, gad take me, you are a very fenCble 
young fellow, and I fiiould like you for a fon-in- 




law wonderfully — I knew you was a great perfou 
the Brft moment I faw you ftuck up in the'cloret, 
like an Egyptian mummy in a packing cafe. 


Come, Oddly, give them a Letter of Marque, 
to fail to the land of matrimony, under convoy of 
your approbation. 


So I will if he can obtain my daughter's con- ■ 
kni; for let me tell you it entirely depends upon 
that — for I, and her mamma, were alwayS' re- 
folved nevei'to force our child's inclinations. — 
There is no danger of a refufal (a^e) What fays 
ray litde weeping-willow. 


I am all obedience, Sir, to your wifliest 


But no fortune whilft I live. 


I defire none, Sir. 


La, la, de ra de (/mgs) The bed bargain t 
ever made in my life. Here, take my daughter, 
»nd treat her as {he deferves. I'm fo pleaFed with 
you both, that, as I hope to live, I'm afraid I 
Jhall die a year fooner than I intended to make 
you amends. Give me a kifs. you little, charm- 
ing, fmiling, obliging, dutiful, rogue, you. But 
zookers, where is my lady alt this time ? 


Here Oie comes, full fail, with the whole crew 
of the village in her wake. 
£nUr Lady Odolt fiUowtd by Le Frizz, ond a 
number af Vtllagtrs. 


Oh, Sir Solomon, thefe good people have, 
feized and brought to the hall, a poft-caife and 
four, in which our minx of a daughter was going 
to elope ; there's a difcovcry for you ! ■ 





No difcovery at all, my life ! 
ladv oddly. 
What you knew of it ? 


Yes, and have effeftually prevented faer from 
making fuch another attempt. 


That's well — but how ? 


By the only certain method — that of having 
agreed to fee her married to the man with whom 
Ibe was on the, point of taking wing. 


What, Sir, without deigning to confuh me on 
the occafion ? (Seeing Melville.) As I live, Stave'« 
handfome pfalm-finging pupil, without his difguife, 
I now fee the whole of ilie -bufmefs. 


Lady Oddly, I am fure, will not be lels gene- 
rous to the young couple than Sir Solomon. 


Well, I'll give my confent on three conditions. 


Name them. 


Firft, that Ihe is married to-morrow, agreeably 
to what I have all along afTerted. Secondly, that 
my gala (hall be given on the occafion, with addi- 
tional fplendor; and laftly, that Sir Solomon {hall 
fpend the winter fealon in town; for which pur- 
pofe an elegant refidence fhall be taken for my re- 
ception in one of the fafliionable Squares. 




My dear madam, your approbation was only 
wanting to complete our happinefs. 


Poor Maria — could I fee her as happy now. 



66 J U S T I N T I M E. 


MarU— here fiie comes— and, egad, flie feems 
to have been a clofet hunting too. 


My nephew with her-~Why, who knows but 
that this little veffel may be ngbted by the fame 
fpring tide. 

Enter Doctor Camomile andMAV.iA. 
I fee by the fignal of content being hoifted that 
you have reconciled yourfelf to your amiable 


My behaviour to you. Sir, has been fo unwar- 
rantaUe, that I can fcarcely hope you will par- 
don what is pad, or ever receive me as your 
friend. (The Ladies converfe apart. 


Your apology. Sir, is fufficient, I can be no 
man's enemy. 


Well, old boy, what are you (ludying about ? 


Why, I was thinking how to introduce the oc- 
currences of this evening into my Memoirs of the 
Court of Aldermen, and in which you fhall have 
honourable mention, for I ever thought you a 
worthy fellow in the worft of our quarrels— but 
for our lives to come— — 


Avail, brother, I believe we had better not 
make any more proleftations, for fear of forfeits. 


I give you all joy. \The ladies come/orward. 


And wide be it extended ; no brow fhall wear 
the cloud of difcontent — but let the whole hamlet 
ring with ruftic merriment. 

■Enter Stave, Judith, and O'Liffey. 


Egad we are all Just in Tfme then to claim a 



pardon under your worfiiip's general declamation 
of peace and good fellowfhlp. 


You fcarcely merit it, but I hope you. will be 
more careful hereafter, how you again become 
the agent of a love affair in our family. 


Why, an pleafe your Ladylhip, his honour had 
fuch a winning way with him, thai it weighed 
down all my refolution — But I'll never leach a 
captain to fing pfalms again while I live — unlefs it 
is to oblige your Lidyfhip's perfonaliiy. 


Lovers take hands — Nay let u* join too; {Ta 

Larboard) and as foon as the morning peeps 

we'll hafte to church, and fee thefe made man and 

wife (ToM.EL.and Aug.) and this pair reunited., 

(Jo Dr. Cam. and Maria. 


Faith, and O'Liffey though laft, will be one of 
thcfirft in the throng. 


In the mean time let us drown all pall embar- 
rafsmenu in a hearty cup. 



Now lee the village bells ring rouod. 
The pipes fhrill doks sod caber foanil. 
The mazy dance and mirthfol foag. 
The fellive board and joyoua thraag. 
Hither bring with frolic gay. 
To join the bvcra rouodelay. 

Dull csre 00 more {hall dxre appear. 
With languid Aep and falling tear. 
For laughing joy with fprighcly veffi, 
Hai chafed her ftr from every breaft. 

Now Let the village bells ring round, Ike. 



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THE Fricndftiip which ^e Duke of Lecd« 
has honoured me with for feveral years, in fomc 
Meafure authorizes the Liberty I take of infcrib- 
ing this Comedy to your Grace; — whilil the 
Favor he has fo recently conferred upon me, by 
condefcending to write a Prologue for my Play, 
makes me anxious to feize an early Opportunity 
of acknowledging to you, and to the World, how 
much I feel myfelf fiatter'd by this Mark of his 

The partial Encomiums, which your Grace be- 
ftowed upon my Comedy, when read laft Winter 
amidft a private Circle of your Friends, led me to 
hope with fome Degree of Qonfidence for that 
Succefi, which from the Indulgence of the Public, 
I have now experienced:— Sincerely withing both 



( vi ) 

you and die Duke every domeftic Enjoyment, and 
every permanent Hipppinefs, which your amiable 
Qualities fo truly dcfervC) but which Rank and 
Fortune do not aibrays eiifti^, 

I have ^ Honor to be 
Madam, ■ 

Your Grace's moft Obedient 
And moft devoted Servant 

Mitts Peter Aw&Rrw*. 



TO the ikUfiil Arrangement, and liberal 
Attention of Mr. Kemble, the Manager; 
the wonderful Exertions of Mrs. Jordan; 
and the united Abilities of all the Per- 
formers, the Author is chieHy indebted for 
^e Succefs of this Comedy. 





f/Aba bj JUr. BANNISTER, >». 

CUSTOM commands a Prologue to each Plajr ; . 
But ci^om hath not told us what to fay : 
No form prcfcrib'd, 'tis difficult to find. 
How to conciliate the Public mind. 
The bafhful Bard — the modeA Mufe's feart, 
So long have jingled in your patient Ears, 
That now, perhaps, you'll fcarce vouchfafc to ftay. 
To hear both their Apology— «ad Play, 
No ! Better fure on him at once to call. 
With— Sir, if firighten'd thus, why write at all f 
We're not reduc'd yet to a trembling Pen ; 
Zounds, Bards, will croud us foon, like — Gentlemen. 
Something like this, I heard a Friend once fay, 
Who wifli'd (poor foul) to hear a new launch'd Play c 
Box'd Ihug at firA, completely to his rnind^ 
With only one grave Auditor behind : 
E'er the third A& had flrvggled to its end. 
In reel'd three Critics, each the Author's Friend- 
On Praife detcrmin'd— Wit confinn'd by Wine ; 
Each And ! and If ! was cbaft^- correct— damn'd fine* 
To Tafte fo mark'd, my Friend, of courfe, gave way ; 
But fqueez'd, thump'd, kick'd — ^flill liflen'd to the Play j 
Till by repeated Plaudits grown fo Sore, 
Kor Flefii nor Blood cou'd bear one Comment more. 
Such boift'rous Friends they furely cannot needi 
Who wifh by Merit only to fucceed. 
To-night we oBei to the Public view, 
A Chara&er, you'll own, perhaps, is new. 
From DoAor's Commons we the Model dnw £ 
A ProBufinf Elcre of Civil Lawj 




And Civil Aire that Law which can provide, 
Or (ftiou'd need be) rdeafe ymi frtan a Bride, 
"Thiice blefs'd the Maafion, triien^ IB Ipite of ilU 
.^ive or tUaJ, jaa Aill can have yoor Wills. 
Much cou'd I offer in our Atrthor's cade ; 
Najr, prove lii> SrQ fftet. objed-^jroor ajpUuiai 
But, leaft dull Friendfliip Awu'd his'0«niijc wroa^ 
I'll (top— before the Pr^doguc grows too ioi^ 
Aod Bilter late than never hold 017 Tongue. 

, n,J"n,-.^hyG00gle 


Savillc ----- Mr. Kemble, 

Flurry - - ' - - - Mr. Dodd. 

Sit Charles Choufc - - Mr. Palmer. 

Gnimp ----- Mr. Baddeley. 

Litigamus - - - - Mr. Baknibtee, junr. 

JPallet - Mr. R. Paimebl, 

Lawyer's Clerk - - - Mr. Maddox." 

Servant to Saville - - Mr. Lyons. 

Servant to Flurry - - Mr. Webbe. , 

Augufta ----- Mr<. Jordan. 

Mrs. Flurry - - - Mrs. Goodall. 

Diary - . . - . MifsPoPB* 





A C T 1. 

S C E N E L 
Saville and Servant difctvertd. (A kneci'tng without.) 

SEE who's there, I'm not at home. fJ*/* Servant.] 
How ftraiige, that, though I am lenflhle of my 
Error, I have not pow^r to corrcft it — tho' I feel my 
Ruin, I have not Spirit to avoid it-^wou'd I cou'd re- 
tal— but 'tis impoilible — ^^Laft niglit, cotiipleatcd the 
lofi of all my ready money, and if I cannot inftantly 
taifc more ofa liiy Eftate 

Diary (without.) Not at home— don't tell mc— =^1 
will fee him i whether he be at home or no. 

Servant ( without.) I tell you my MaAcr*! liot at 
home, coming' here with your ftrange jumble of names 
which never met bcfqrei 

Saville, This can be not>edy but Diary — Aaguila*! 

£nier Diary a»J Servant. 
i)iarf* Not at home, indeed ; Why, do yon think 
■ B libit 



I dut tuTc mi Milbm, and Roderic RanAon, and 

other hifloriaos, am to be deceiv*d by an i^omit^-^— 

[£iri>. Scrvatat. 

SawlU. Patience, gopd Diaiy — I am very happy 
to fee yoD. 

Diary, Sir, I have brought yoa a letter. Sin 

SaviUe. From Angafla } 

jyunj. No, Sir, fram Mr. Flurry. 

Saville. From Mr. Flurry ! 

Diary, (Taking aut a book and giving the Utter) Yes, 
here it ii Eife enclofcd in my dear Panuht -, it luu been 
there thcle two days, I afiiire you. 

SavilU, Why then not favour me with it before ? 

Diary. 'Caule 1 was (adly *fraid it wohM make yon 
melandioly ; and they tell mc you're already a cop too 
'low, as old Saucer, the Foct, calls it. 

SavilU. Well, Diary, one mull Icam to brave mif^ 
fortunes. Let ns lee what the wife Starrg^z^r chooles 
to t>redia. (Reads) 
"Mr. Sarille, 

*• Though my Ward, Aimifta, is an Heirefs, flie can- 
** not marry without ray Confent ; and 1 am refolved 
« file fliall never be the Wife of a Libertine." — 

Diary. (Stading Pamela to berfelfj. That Mr.. B. 
was a wicked wretch, to be furci tho* Mifs Punriji 
Inight wear a check apron. 

Saville, (Reading) " I am forry on account of your 
** Uncle, my Friend Grump, and wifh you were lorry 
«* on your own. 

Paul Florry." 

Diary (ta herfelf.) Whqt a fad thing it wqo'4 have 
been if he- Jiad fuccecdeii ! 

S^IU. Howl doyoucometomoct atmy difircfi^ 

Diary/' Who, I comptpmocfc — I afiure yini, Mr. 
fiavitle, there^s no young woman in England ^njoy* 
diftrcfs more than I do : I never read'a book that ends 
happily, if I know it. 

- Saville. So, tjii* is whfit I ditaded, tho* no «^ore 
than \ had reafon to expc£t — by your being tbe bearer 




of this letMr, I am to fuppofc yoor lovely Miftrers 
agree$ with her Guardian. 

,• Diary, Yes, Sir, ilie is quite agreable — as we fay 
— -you haye fo often promis'd to reform, and fo often 
broke your promife,---that — 

Sav'illet True, Diary ; but whatever I may feel, I 
have Hill pride enough to applaud her conduct, and con- 
demn my own— teil her fo. Diary, and tell her befides, 
tho' I have adored her from life's early period, and 
whiift \ ha*« breath cart never ceafe to love her ; yet- 
but no matter — 'tis now too late — 

Oiaty, Never too late to mend, Sir.—- Lord, he'« 
a great General, as they faid of Sir Ifaac Newton.—^ 
[Afide] It grieves me to part With him — Oh ! Mr. 
Baville, if you knew aU — 

Saville. Knew what, Diary? 

Ditrj, What I have fecn, Sir. 

Saville. Well, what have you feen ? 
. Diary. Oh ! fuCh things, Sir — but it is not my 
buHneb to tell fecrets, olfe I know what I know, and 
when people talk in their fleep, I guefs whattbey wou'd 
be at — »s Lothario— 'the Fair Penitent (ays. — Good 
tye to you. Sir. 

Saville, For bcavea's fake, explain a little — but 
perhaps — farewcl, good Diary. 

JOiary, He's a fweet man — as Juliet fays to Old 
Capiliiire, in the Play— Ah ! Mr. &TiUe-^f youha4 
httn my lover — 

£nter Servant vAlh a Coat and Waijlceat. 

Saville. What wou'd you hafC done, my kind 
friend ? 

Diary, Any thing you had pleasM, as yonrgrcM 
old ladies did, Juno and Proferpine, and Jane Shore 
did— ftand out of the way. Lord he's a dear fellow, 
and if nryMiftrefs had ran away with him, we fliou'd 
iiGve all got into a novel together. 

Sir Charles Choufe Enters, 

Your (ervant. Sir Charles Choufe. 
. Sir Ckarlts. Good day, Mrs^ Diary, wbat-ftill oA 
{be tane time. Eh i 

Ba Diary. 



J9earj. Ah ! we have play'd it for the bft time, 
Sir. Adicn Mr. SaviUe. Out of the way Varlet. 

Sir Cbarki. What, the happy day ia 6x*d at laft Se- 
ville ! 

SavilU, Happy, Sir. This is no time for nillcry— 
Sir Charlet. No &ith — Marria^ is too ferioos a 
fiibjicA to joke on, but if it ftings you now, what 
fviU it do hereafter. 

SavilU. Ob, Sr Charles, I have loll aTreafurc. 
Sir Charles. Loft a Treafure — When ? 
SavilU, Now — this very moment — the beft of 

Sir CharUu A Woman — thank Heaven it's no 
xroife. I thought yon had loft tiie other half of your 

SavilU. Fortune ! I have loft Ai^gufta — the fource 
—.the fummit of my hopes.— Read uiat letter. 

Sir Cbarlfs {reaJs). Why how has this happcn'd — 
you are not more of a libertine than you were. 

SavilU. But am I not more involv d ? - Is not my 
fortune fquanderM — gone — am 1 not difcardcd by my 
Uncle, the only relation I have that can affift mo — - 
without friends — almoft without refburce. 

Sir CbarUs. Nay, aevcr droop man — wriW to yow 
Uncle, promife reformation—rtalk of prudence and 
p^mpny — get him to raifc the wind — and then for 
anotheir venture : fortune you know muft wheel abouti 
SavilU. Sir Charles, you rcviye me. I'll not give 
Iffay to ^efpopdence — I will write to my Uncle — Ao' 
what hopes can 1 entertain from fuch an avaricious difr 
portion— -mean while I have fcarce a guinea to throw 
n the way of the blind Goddels, wefe Ihe inclined to 
favour me. 

Sir Charles, Don't let that diftrefs you-:— tho' / 
have not' the means, our new Friend will be here in 
an tnAant, and he is both liberal and capable. 

SavilU. Our new Friend. 
. SirCharlts. Yes, the Young Huffar officwwiththe 
Ifpuml in bifi forchea^, whq, from his long reiidence 
:- «bioa4» 



abroad* has been filled ihe Chevalier. — Sec here he is, 
and as gay and lively as ever. 

£nter Augufta, in an Hujfar drefi^ Jinking. 
Care JiUs JTom the lad that is merryy l^c. 

How fares it, my Heroes — hch ! — melancholy, 
Saville, What's the matter with you ? 

Sir Charlts. Hufli ! — don't interrupt him—he's 

Atttufta. Thinking! Sure he can't be fo unfafliion- 
aWc. What, lum'd PhUofopher, Saville ? 

Saviile, No, Chevalier — I wifli 1 cou'd— -but every 
man ruminates on his loQes, and mine are irrecover- 

jiugufta. Not if money will replace them. Come, 
-come, my friend, you loft a few thoufands laft night, 
I won them, and it the loan will allift you, you may 
command me. 

Strville. Are you ferions ? , . 

jiugufta. Aye, ferious as a Phllofopher.— Here — 
in this pocket-book, are notes for near 5,oco/. take and 
make the moft of them. 

Sgvillt. What, without thinking when and bow 
you are to be repaid. 

jlugufta. Thinking again, Saville — pflia !— what's 
the ufc of thinking f— true Genius is above it — it al- 
ways ads by inftin£t : fo take the money, and if yoa 
wou'd oblige me, fay no mote about it. 

Sir Charles. .Hark ye, Chevalier, if inflinS will 
prompt you to find another pocket-book — give it t« 

Saville, Why this is the moft extraordinary a£^. 
Chevalier, but v/ithoot you name fome mode of re- 
payment, upon my honour, I cannot accept—— 

Sir Charles. Stop! I'll fettle the difference. You 
feem not to want the money, and he feems not to want 
the fecurity : now I want the money, and have nO 
fecurity to give. So the bulinefs is fettled at once. 

Saville, V/cll, Chevalier, rather than our friend's 

•Tchnefs ihou'd have no cSc&t I will accept your offer 

fW one condition— in ftantly take my bond, payable in 




three days, and bj that time, if my Lanrer has not 

dcccivM— aye, tny Eftate will be fol^> and I Ihall be 
in pofieflioo of thrice the fum. 

yiu'gujla. Wei!, if you will haye it fo— - 
SavilU. Nay, I will have it no other way — I'll go 
arid prepare the bond this inftant. Sir CharlcB, you 
will be kind enough to— — 

Sir CbarUs. Oh, leave me to manage where any thing 
is to be got {^afidt to Savilie, who goes ov(}. Bravo, xaj 
dear Coafin, Augufta— braro'-*-yon play yoar part ex- 
cellently ; in this di^aile it is impomble be lI)oa'd 
know you — why I fcarce know you myfelf. Let me 
-look at you. 

Augujia, Halh ! this further fupply will draw him 
{deeper in the toils — for if he plays again and lofes— 
SirCbarlei. Which he certainly will.— I Have fe- 
cur'd the loaded Dice. 

Attgtijla. And I have fecur'd the Lawyer — the very 
nan he has employed to raifc him more money^ is my 
|urticular friend'~fo when I can get the Deeds, the 
Property, and the Efiatej into my own hands-'-my 
purpofe is effc61ed. 

Sir CbarUs. But do yoa feiiouily wilb to compleat 
his ruin ? 
Aupijla. Serioufly. 
Sir Cbaries. Why fo ? 

At^fta. Ayg, there's the myftery — one day or 
•ther you Ihall know*— in the mean time be aSiir'd J 
' love him more than ever. 
:■ Sir Charks. Then why not marry him ? 

Augufta. What, to prevent the flame from increaf- 
ing — hch ! Mr. Joker — no — no— >-befides my Guar- 
dian will not conJent, or, if he wou'd, nHy h£srt and 
fortune wou'd both be fquander'd away upcm a def- 
perate Game of Qiance. With fubmiffion, I muft have 
better fccurity for my afieftion, than your loaded Dice, 
Sir Charles. 

Sir CbarUs. Well, it's not myaflair— only remem* 
bet our agreement — I am to. affiA you in Gripping 
him ; and you are to help me in improFing my wird* 



. A O 

■ Augvfla. Without do 
fucceed in the enterprize, 
thanks \ and a pocket-boi 
Sir Charles. Shall I !- 
obedience, and — - 


Sltvillf' How, on yoi 

Sir Charles. On my 
at the feet of the Chevalt 

Saville. Certainly ! 
knowledgement ; but I n 
to the ladies. 

Augufta. Yoa are rigl 
fee you fo, but in thai 
bond is it ; and nowj I hi 

Strville. Would they 

Augufta. Heavens ! m 
fure you are not in love i 

Sir Charles. Not in 1 
has juft receiv'd his Couf 
fomebody fhe likes be^ei 

Augujla, As you fay 
who knows but [ may be 
body elfe. 

Sir Charles. Very ti 
Lady is my relation ; an 
cd, I'll introduce you v 
(he's a very charming gii 

Augujl^. Sir, 1 have 
lady's perfedtions. 

Saville. The whole ti 
«f Augufta. 

Sir Charles. Nay, fl 
thinks I fee her now be 
^d rc^ifh leer— fuch d 
with fo much feeling. 

Augujia (hoking in a pocket glafsj. h.gad, you colour 

fo ftrongly,' thatTpdu'd fancy I fawhertoo ; but that 

" ' I am 



ing. — Will you walkf 
:et at dinner, 
line with me — I fliall 
is loaii of yours, has 

I! give the club new 
't lofc your fpirits 

troe-bcgonc looks ;-^— 
ICC— -Zounds, love— 
in I like better than 
T friend, Saville : Sir 
: cruel fair one ; and 
ing, fay I am not the 
if I don't make her 
le Chevalier. — Come 
'.Jtii with Sir Charles.^ 
I madcap fellow it is. 
try once more to re- 
ay ftill be mine. Who 
ave in Aore for me. 


a Ttkfcope—a great 

Zodiac — Aye, twelve 
'arus, two— Gimini, 

Mn. Flurry. There's my dele£lable hufband — with 
his head full of nothing, but ftars and comets, as thick 
as he's long, yet fancying himfelf in a decline. 

Flurry, Giraini, three— Canker, four— Virago, 

Mrs. Flurry. Mr. Flurry. 
■ Flurry. Virago five — there Ae is — No,flie is n't— • 
Yes, ihe is — Mercy on tne — What a tail. 



Mrs. Plurry. He raves,- — will you hear me, Mr. 
Flurry, (ftry ieud) 

Flurry, Oh ! dear, itly wife's Voice — She's fo boif- 
tcrous. Will you never confider my poor nerves. — 
I'm already in a gallopping cOnfumptioo. — Where's 
my Sal Volatile. 

Mn. Flurry. Where's your' fenfes, rather fay.-— 
Will yoli never leave otf thefe noftrums, and nonfenfe? 
What s the ufe of gazing all day after a comet ? If it 
ihould appear, do you think it will pay you for peep- 
ing ? 

Flurry. Not if I eftimatt it from yoii, irty dear, 

Mri. Flurry, I have not patience. — If I was not 
the beft wife in the world, I fhould run diAra£ted — I 
Ihould never furvive it. 

Flurry, Shou'd'nt you ? W'hat hopes then for me, 
if you were not quite fo good a wife as you arc. 

Mrst Flurry. Don't diftrefs yourfelf on that ac- 
count any longer. I can't fee why my youth fhould 
be walled, and my natural endowments lofl, where 
there is neither tafle to rehfh, or ^xiety to preferve. 

Flurry, You furely can't fay that I want anlciety, 
my life. I have had nothing clfe fince I knew you. 

Mrs, Flurry. Then the portion fliall be doubled^ 
my life. Do you hear that ? 

Flurry. Oh, Thunder 1 I fear I fhall never hear 

Mrs. Flurry, Yes, you will, you will hear, that 
your Ward, Augulla, is going to throw herfolf away 
upon a young nike. 

Flurry. So would alt your fex, if they had the op- 
portunity. A rake is your delight^ and his youth youc 

Mrs. Flurry. His youth our excufe ! Then I am 
an exception to the rule j for I have thrown myfelf 
away, without any fuch apology to plead. 

Flurry. Well, well, I have no doubt of preventing 
her flighu ; and, perhaps, I may be able to remedy 

Mrs. Flurry. I fcom your inllnuation and youi 

menace ;■ and trull I may enjoy the iuaocent pleaJure? 

'C of 



of fzfliionaUe life, i^jthout endangering my rcputo* 

Flurry. 05 '• certaiply wife, certainly ; nothin? 
can be fo innocent as falhionable life : but thougb 
you don't ^( jrowr danger, I qsx\. ftet my own. My 
friend Gruinp has opened my eyes. 

Mrsr Flurry. What, Sir, is my chara(3er to be can- 
vafsM by fuch a mean, pitiful* old mifer, as Grump } 
A wreQrh to traduce mc, with his covetous whims, 
and Ihort fentenccs—as carefiil of his words as of hi& 

Grmnp (without)* TiVUl, come up I fay — ^WiU— 
that's enough (EyaersJ, 

Flurry. Welcome, ncighboor Grumj. Yon juft 
come in time to Hop niy wife's mouth. 

Grump. Stop a hurricane ! — Can't be done, olii 
Shake-about. (Slaps Flurry en the back, and Breaks hit 

Flurry^ A hurricane indeed ; Vxa fliook to Ihlvers. 
Crump. What, broke your bottle totteration. So 
much the better — teach you to be wiler; — wrap up in 
whitey brown — can't break that. 

Airs, Flurry, Very neat, and vaflLy civil. 
Grump. Don't miod civility— only picks a man's 
pocket.-^WeH, what fay you — give Angu.(ta to my 

nephew. Had a good fortune oacc — may have 


Flurry. Can't poffiUy think of it, neighbour,— 
I fent him my pofitivc refufal — ^He is fuch a fpeAd- 
thrift and a rake-fhamfe. 

Grump. Take a wife to tame him— nothing ejfe 

Jl^s, Flurry, What, Sir, do you judge from your- 
felf ? Do you look upon every hulhand as a. bfnte^— • 
to be.tam'd by his wife ? 

Grump. Brute: — aye — firft, or laft — feldom efcapes. 
— Advifc Flurry to be careful. 

Flurry. Oh, dear — why put a, man in mind of his, 
misfortunes. — I muft take a little Da%. — ^VPUI you" 
bavc a taftc ? 

Grump, Phyfic tiic. dogi^-iiate att »pothecarie» 
ihop ; 


A qoMEDT. i^ 

fliOp j— ^olour'd brick JuA— <uid white dlialk.— — v 
What's this i — Stare at the fiiii. 

Airs. Flurry. Pray Heaven he may break that to 
jjeces (afidt). 

Flurry. At the fun, neighbour— T^o— the comet's 

GruMp. Tale of a Tub — all fudge — got fomcthing 
clfe to make you ftare Send away Madam. 

Mrs. Flurry. Indeed I fhall not itay to be d^rmifsM 
—but like my betters; will take leave to retire. Sc^ 
Mr. Longlicad and Mr. Wrongheadj you wile cabi- 
net counfeilors> adien. [Exit. 

Crump, Happy riddance — ^Well — here it is— Read 
your fate, old TrembJe-^here's' a tale for you. 

Flurry. What will it toiKh us, do you think ? 

Grump. Touch ypu, yes, pretty nearly.: A 

iind paragraph in the paper — knew it wou'd get tbcrp 
atlaft — liftcn. — (RiadsJ " If a certain buxom Iady,of 
{' a thick, punch, fanciful, water-gruel huiband,"— 
Do you mind that ? 

Flurry, I( quite diforders ones frame.— Go on. 

Grump, " Makes affignations with baronets, near 
" an eminent painter*s in Marlborough-ftreet. — -Th* 
esai^ place of meeting ihall bo publicly ftated." 

Flurry. Mercy on me — I ain ijuite rclax'd.—— Ao 
eminent painter— that muft mean my friend Pallet-^ 
Fll go there this initani — He'll tell me if there's anjr 
fioufe of* intrigue near him. I'll go there — that i wilU 
fGoei and reiumsj — But fuppofe it fljould be all a lie. 

Grump. Aye— bvit truth's as cheap as lies j — bcfides, 
fee what a pifhire they have drawn of you-^thick, 
punch, fandful — water-gruel hufband— Muft be you, 
like as two pe». 

Enttr Litigamus with Parchment and Papers, 

I-iiJg. Make bold to intnide— •but atk pardon, for 

iiperlatirc honour 
mt if my- informat 

Uiig, Mak 
tte o^nct — Reverend firs, believe I have never had the 
fuperlative honour of fpreading parchments for cither* 
but if my information ii right — on? of you two muft 

C a Crump, 



Grump, Thinlt you feem the happleft of the 
tunch — little parchment Tpreader. Who the devil are 
you f : . 

L'ltlg, A prober, at your fcrvicc— ■write— Jraw, 
fcrawl, fcribble-^alh— -&C. — Can fill "a Ikin with 
the tighteft — a licence— or a will. — All the fame tQ 
Litigamus — Marriage or death — both ncccflary evils. 
Permit me to have the honour of fett'ing your nam$ 
down in the divorce lift, (tt Grump.) 

Grump. Can't be fct down — ^have no honour for 
you — there's the happy man— told you fo— Old Horn* 
Deam. AU the world knows of your good fortune. 
■ Flurry. Gracious ! what will become of me — Pray 
Mr. Lit — tit— gamus, what brought you to my 
houfe ? 

Lilig^ My own lucky flats. 

Flurry. Stars ! Oh then you came here perhaps— > 
to tell us about the comet ? 

Litig. Comet ! no ! no '.—that's too remote for 
mypra^ice; fome bright luminaries, that blaze clofc 
at hand bcil fuit my purpofe. 

Flurry, Blgze, clofe at hand !— Oh lud ! Oh lud ! 

Litig. Yes, my bufiiiefs is to make difcoverics of 
a nearer kind. 

Flurry. Nearferr— what in the moon ? 

Litig, The moon^-no — nor the roan In the pioon 
neither — by moonlight foractlmes — tho' my fatellitea " 
moflly fhine in the dark — But here's my almanack 
(^taking out another new/paper') — and if I am right — as 
I faid before — you are the happy man. 

Grump {reads). Yes — juft fuch an almanack as 
mine— foretells the fame event — fame bill of fare. 
■ Flurry. Bill of fere— where? 

Grump, . Where — ]Hom Tavern — Dodiors Com- 

, Litig. Yes, that's the place for ailion — no tijne 
t» bS' loft fuch a handfome— good looking Gentle- 
man to be To treated — Doftors Commons is the place 
»— Citat'on— Jaftitation^Excommunication, &e. 
- Grump. Botheration— I think too Mr. Cetera — . 
What can ;hiS h^dfome, good.looking gentleman do. 
Litig^ ■ 



Liifg. Might I prefume to recommend, namelef^— I . 
wouM fay — no body moie alert, a>^ive, bright — quiclc 
at proof— clear in ftatemcnt— nice in terms — I forbear ' 
to expatiate on rayfelf — but onjy give the cue — in a 
week you fhall be involv'd — in a fortnight altogether 
by the ears-^thoroughly expofed in lefs than a month, 
and a compleat happy man in a quarter. 

Grump, There's expedition— only give the cne. 
, Flurry, Mercy on roe, I have no cue to give — I 
Jcnow no more of my wife than you dtf — If~ we' could 
but confult the ftars. 

Litig, You had better confult the civilians. 

Grump, Yes, ftare at a pro6lor— odd looking thing 
' enough. ' ^, 

Litig, Thing ! Mr. Roughcaft — aye, and the beft 
thing a bufband has to truft to. — ^We fight his battles, 
and pepper bis adverfary without endangering bis own 

Grump. No occafion, wife takes care of hi* head 
before hand. 

Litig. Let Madam, do her worfl — the ftronger the 
proof, the fooner he becomes a happy man— don't bo 
uneafy, Sir, — ^I have not the fmalleft doubt of your 
fuccefs — fafts clear as day— evidence ocular and auri- 
. cular— ^the lady totilly done up, and yourfclf the moft 
pitiable objefl in the world. 

, Flurry. Oh my nerves-^my poor nerves ! I mull 
have fomething to take, whcre's my dalmahoy ? Oh ! 
oh ! oh ! oh. 

iJiig (taking ene arm). Take my arm — fweet. Sir. 
I'm a fpccific always at hand. 

Grump (feizing the other). Come, tumble on, Old 
Scarecrow. — Here's a coat of arms for you ; antlers for 
a creft — and a propter for one of the fupporters. 


Ejid Of Act First. 




ACT 11. 

TdUft Hauf* : a Sum with Piaures—Llrge iuhaU /rt^* 
■ of Mrs. Flurry, in a Canfpictnus Shuafion. 

Fdhu A VERY fine woman indeed, as I us'd WfS^ 
to 'my wife. \ wonder who Qw can be -, arf g6oa 
&iend Sir Charles Cboafe, who incrodirc'd her her^ 
foe a touch of my ant^.hsE ne«r yet faK-ow** me witfc 
her name— wonder at that loo— as I am in moft- of tftS 
Becdnet's leccets — ^butgrcut men have dieir MyA^nes, - 
and feldom open the budget, without a little rdTetVczt - 


Sir Charles fwiihvutji. Yom mi&et rs qvlit^ jS&AC^ 
Mh« ^ • 

Paliei. Gh ! here comes the Prime Miaifter Mm- 

Enter Sir Charici. 

Sir CharUti Prflet, my old boy, I am glad to- fee 
thee. How goes bnluierG ? 

Pallet. Always leady for employment^ as I osM l» 
lay to Mrs* Pallet. 

• Sir Charles. Aye, you'ri « d — mn'd wi^cd, good 
Ibrt of a fellow,; tbn's the truth of it. 

Pallet. I rcjorccto find you fo early ahrcod — before^ 
as I may fay, the fun has rifen, »r tlw nehSFity^gotxift 
— feut- — indeed, the- morning air makes gentlemen look 
as if they wou'd live for ever. — As a painter, I ^uite 
rejoice.— --As a phyfician, I fhou'd die myfelf. 

Sir Charles. True, Pallet — I believe I do look toler- 
ably ; but thou haft a pretty Way of touching up a 
figure — ^What think you of my fair friend on your 
convals there } 





Pailet. A fioe fubjciSl, indeed, for a bnrfh — ex^ui^ 
file cociplcxion, charming features, be'autjfol lockv 
wid a rich pro fpeiSt in the background. 

Sir Charlci, Take great care then — that (he is tut 
canvafs'd eUewhere. — ^Mum, is the word. 

Pallet. Mate* as my own Pajiel — people who talk 
only betray fecrets, and talking of talking ; I knoiT 
Vhen it's proper not to talk at all. 

Sir Charles. Betwixt ourfelvea— She is a^ually i 
married woman ; whofe hufband is as rich as Crcenu, 
and who knows but, with a little management, I may 
be able to dip in the (ame purfe. She is confoundedly 
virtuous at ptefent — but jfiie has a damn'd deal of dit- 
CCinmcnt, and that's all in my favour. 

P*liet, Yes, Ihe will foon improve m good com- 
pany, indeed Ihe begins lo appear like a woman of 
fashion already ; for fbe talks loud, tho* Jhc has no- 
thing to UlS — forever in a bulUe, tho' the has nothtag 
to do ; and beyond aU, ^hinks /he excels in pointing. 

Sir Charles, So Ihe does — yqu may fee that m her 
countenance ; but the belt of tne joke is — that, tho' I 
have been, afq^uainted with her fom& time, I have n&vec 
once feen her ^uiband. — Sh^ tell* mc— be i$ always 
fick, afld I ain not farry — 

Flurry fwithout). nzy ! 

Sir Charles. Hehl — who have wc here — take na 
notice of msk 

Enter FhiTfy. 

Flurry. Servant ! fcrvant, Mr. Pallet— I wanted a 
little word with you ; but I am fo heated, I can fcaice 
Ipeak — I hav^ fpch a woman upon my hands — heh I 
Who's, that?. 

Pallet. Only a difcreet friend of mine — ^nobody 
)K>u have occafion to be, afraid of. 

Flurryi Well then, as I can rely on you, I want 
to aflt. your advice. Pray do you know of a conve- 
nient houfe hereabouts, where people— you underJJawi 
sat — might meet together if they chooie it ? 

Pallet [AJide']. A woman upon hii iMmds— K:<aive-, 

aient boijfs — far« he 4cn.'t wsaa m ig i-w ^ w pcrhttgs he 




does Want fuch a littJe ftiug retreat — (ta hm) Wliy, 
Sr, there arc fuch peaces, 1 believe, to bt met with — 
bntypu, who are a fobcr married man — ■would wifti, I 
prciumc, to have a curtain drawn ovef the exhibition. 

Flurry. Curtain drawn ! Me in an exhibition^ 
you fuSbcate me - fare you can't think I want luch a 
place myfelf! 

Pallet- Dear mc — I beg pardon. Like to have a fad 
miflake [oJiili\, But talking of wants, pray, Biay 
I a(k, what it is you do want? 

Flurry^ Why, I have feen a ivicied flory In the 
papers, which I am anxious to have Con fir m'd— about 
a bad houfe in your neighbourhood. 
Pallet, In my neighbourhood ? 
Flurry, Yc8, near an eminent painter, in Marl- 
borough -ft re et. 

Pallet, An eminent painter — thar, indeed, can 
mean only me — Gad very near blowing myfelf [afide']. 
Sir, I can afliire yon, I know of no bad houfe at all — 
this Gentleman can vouch for it> 

Sir Charles. I — I — Yes, — I can vouch for' it — It's 
word for word, as he ftates it. — Pray what were you 
talking of — I hope I don't interrupt bufinefs. 

Flurry, No, I wiJh you did interrupt bufinefs — I 
have fomc reafon to fufpedt a lady of mine being too 
partial to a diSpated rake of a baronet — Don't yoa 
think it very rafcally, fir, in a man of fafhion, to at- 
tack any gentleman s wife, who is a quiet peaceable, 
good fort of man, and attacks nobody. 

Sir Charles. Shocking indeed, fir. — What fay you 
Pallet ? 

Pallet. Oh dreadful, and fo fwect, fo gentleman 
like a gentleman- — a gentleman who is. Incapable of 
ufmg any other gentleman fo. 

Sir Charles, Moit fliameful ! have you any idea of 
the gallant ? 

Flurry, Oh no ! but they tell me it's one of your 
idle fellows ^ about town-^and an ill looking dog I 
hear; but arc you fure, there is no fuch houfe of 
meeting hereabouts. 

Pallet* ■ Nothing of the kind I can v enture to fay. 


■ t^iiri'p Aye, it's sll an impudent He, ! fappofe^— 
Well, that's a cordial inJeed-^This is a fwcct pretty 
hoafe ofyOTitSj Mr. Pallet.. Some charmhig piifturca 

Pallei, HappT infochaconnoi'ffeurtotommtiid. 

PfurYy. Yoo Know T proinis'd you ihouM draw my 
Wife's picture foine day or other — ^hefi 1 zottnds-^what 
tbeticvils that I fee ? there fhe is — why yOa've got my 
wife at full length-^O hcd*cfls ! I fliall feint-^ whereas 
my Daimahoy r 

Sir Charles, The aevil— 4iis wife-^thiS is Certainly 
Flurry himfelf.-^ 

' Pallet. To be fure' it iS.— ^Wliy wou'd not you 
mention his name before ) 

5^ Charles. What a difcovery I-^Zounds, ekirt 
your ingeauity, make fome damn'd good lie or 6ther, 

PallH. V\\ txy^—(jt/ietc) Ha ! hal ha !— My g6od 
friend, Mr. Flurry, fo it's like your wife is it-^Ah ! 
poor Mrs. Jenkyns-^It's rather a flatt'ring likenefs, 
tho' I fhOTi d fiippofe — but I have 4 Way of making 
my piflures like every body. 

Sir Ghdrhs. Gad, fo yon halrc Pallet— vcty like- 
poor Mrs. Tompkinsi Now I obferve. 1 know her 
atoriCe— ^ 

Flurry. Tompkins-^ Jenkins !-^What is all this > 
i may as well take another look — aye, there is fome 
difference now I perceive, — fio, it Can't be my wife, 
flic cou'd never gei here. 

Enlir MVs. Flurry. 

Mru Fhffry. My deAr Mr. Pallet, haVfe yon finidi'd 
hy pi£hire f 

PalUt. Hufli I 

Mrs. Flurry. Whtft is t\i inttter — I tell you fir 
Qlarles iivery im^jatient, he, fays it is not hatf hand- 
fcftn enough — Oh dear Sir Charles arcyou there? 

Fhirry. {advancing) Yesj and I am hefe, and you 
are here, and MrS. Jenkyns is here, and we are *11 
fcere— Oh ! Mr. Pallet, you are a pretty man, aiid 
this difcreet friend of yoiit» is I fuppofe, tht ijl look- 
ing dbg.lhat I Hit caution'd againft-— Yes, as^v I fee 

D ^ Mru 



Mrs, Flurry, For hcaren's fake Mr. Flurry, how 
can you expofc yourfcif before flrangcrs. 

Flurry. I believe' it is you that expofc me, but not 
before Arangers. 

Sir Chartts. Now to bring her off. (afidi) Upon 
my honour, I feel myfclf extremely chagrin'd to be 
the innocent cauCe of fewing diffentions between fo 
dcferving a couple ; but wifliing to have a portrait of 
my dtceafed friend, Mrs. Jenkyns. 

Flurry. Why juft now you call'd her Tomkins. 

Sir Charlis. No, no, Jenkins. 
- Pallet, Oh ! Jenkins. 

Sir Cbarks. The late widow Jenkins, and hearing 
your fair lady referabled her in features, I prevailed 
on her good nature to fit for an hoar or two, that's 
the whole affair. 

Pallet, Yes, a perfeft fketch, drawn by a mafter. 

Mrs. Flurry. I had heft purfue the hint (afide). 
Well, if this is to be the confequcnce of my wifli 
to oblige, Mr. Flurry may break his heart e'er he 
fliall find me good natur'd again. 

Flurry. I don't recoiled — I ever found you fo be- 

Sir Charles. Let me perfuade you. Sir, n,ot to put 
wrong conftru£lions on the moft harmlef s ' 

Pallet. A mere daih of the pencil, efiac'd in a mo-, 

Sir Charles. A circumftancc that happens every 

Pallet. No fooner fecn than blotted out. 
■ • Sir -Charles. The firft families in town- • — 

Pallet, Flock to nfy houfe continually, and no one 
ever prefumed to call it in queftion. ' 
Enter Litigamns. 

Litig, This is the bad houfe — I've found it out — 
this is the place of affignation — have had my fcouts at 
-work, ray client — the parchments are filling, and 
your expofure will follow immediately — Oh ! thefe I 
fuppofe are the paities concern'd — an amicable fuit 
perhaps— quite the fame thing to me. 

Siti^rl^. Why, who the devil are you, and 
what is your bu&neis here ? 




Littg^ My bufinefs is every where, never out of 
myway; if parties are adverfe, there am I— if amica- 
ble, here Hands Liti— a wedding, or a divorce, abufe 
or praife — till but the , parchmciitr-<nough for the 

Sir Charles, Stop his mouth Pallet— Gad, thi( 
friend of your's Mr. Flurry, is a very facetious fellow> 
ha ! ha ! a very pleafant fellow indeed. 

Flurry. Yci, he came to my houfc picafantly and 
told me a very pjeafant ftory, advls'd a pleafant mode 
of redrefs, and now feems as pleafant about, it as if no- 
thing had happen'd — Don't you think fo my dear ? 

Mrs. Flurry. Yes, my dear, a very pleafant bufi- 
nefs altogether. 

Litig. (to Pallet) Sir Charles, a generous client 
you fay ? 

Pallet, (to Liiig.J As a prince — bejides he wants 
nothing of the lady but a little loofe cafti perhaps, tbat 
he may reward his friends the better. 

Liilg {to Pallet). Always open to conviftioo, and lov« 
to prevent animofities. — (To the ctmpany) A Tcry 
whimfi'cal mtftake 4ndeed. 

Flurry. What you arc in the miftake too ? 

Litig. Oh yes. — Nothing fo common in praiSice; 
my friend Mr. Pallet aflures me, there cannot be a . 
more ftriking likenefs, than the one to the other, and 
dare fay, Mr. Flurry is perfedtly convinced that Mr. 
Tomklns, Jenkyns, what's his name, was a moft de- 
firable woman, and ihou'd my client wilh for the pic- 

Flurry. Oh don't mention it ; I never dcfire to fee ' 
their likenefs again, let's be gone. 

Litig. Well,de Mortuis nil — pleafeyoivan arm for 
each. Between man and wife, who fo proper to dl- 
reft the path — lead them right — tread lightly o'er— ■ 
^Treads accidetitly en Flurry's toe,) ^ 

Flurry. Oh dear — I (hall never tread again— I have 
DO foot left. I Ihall fink— Oh ! oh ! 

Litig. Aft. ten thoufand pardons — a little toO: 

heavy — Servant gentlemea, (fm Sir Charles, and 

D 4 Mri, 



Jlfrs. Flurry, qgJing each atbet) tliere, yon fee how \% 
tS^r-All will be weU again from top to toe. 

$.xtunt Flurry, Meb. Flurty, atid LUig« 

'sir Gharlth Thift curfed .piaiire has been very un-f 

Pallet. An unlucky ftroke, but pretty well v3r-^ 
nifliM over. 

Sir Charles. TTiat quivering fool will never fuffcr 
liiB wife to come here again, and he and his proftor 
together may fo watch her motions, th^it I defpair of 
getting a feparate interview. 

Pallet. It's hard upon us artifts, that a lady^qi^yn't 
Sat where fhe pleafes. 

Sir Charles. Therefore, I'm detcrmin'd toeiecute a 
]^an whi(;^ 1 have fometime had in my head ; wilJ yoii 

Pallet. Doubtlefs. 

Sir Charles, You have heard of your brother pam-f 
ter, doftor Hubble bubble. 

Pallet. What the great man who cures by a look t 
■ -Sir Charles. Yes, that makes the ijumb to roar 4 
catch, ^d teaches the gouty to dance a hornpipe. 

Pallet. Ob ! Sir Charles, he's a moil wonderful 
genius. ' 

Sir Charles. True! then what do yon. diink of 
puffing for him ? 

Pallet. I— imitate the great man— imppffible. 
' Sir Charles. Why fo — I'm furc you are quitp as 
wonderful a fellow — I'll be your ai^ftant. — Go an4 
procure us acouplc of fuitable difguife^. 

Pallet. Egadj quite new-r-hitherto I ha»e, Qhljr 
painted others— I mpft now go and try to paiqt liiy- 

■ Sir Charles. Lofe no time — at preftnt, I have an- 
other engagement on my hancjs.^ — AJieu-^I've no 
doubt of fuccefs as I've fuch a damn'd wielded good fort 
of a fellow for an ally. ^ [Exit. ■ 

Pallet. Yes,.^rm UP to 30T thing, M I, ubV tp fay 
»Mf8.,Pi»lJct, ["£*;/. 




^n Apartment in Sav'ille^s Houfe-'-Large JaMing 

Enter Augufta, aiki Seville Jcllowing, 

SavUU. You Ihall come b^k. 

Augtifta. No, whik I have my fenfcs, I'll keep thenti 

Saviile. Keep your fenfes ! pflia !— don't you wifla 
%o be on a footing with the reft of the company. 

Jugnfla. Faith, I ara not fo ambitious — I hate 
wine.-— You forgot I have lived abroa^l, Savillc— -I 
ean*t fit like a dull Engliibman, a whole afternoon, 
|;rinaiflg at table jokes, and proling over politico— My 
fljipd is a£tive— ^1 life and hit, 

Savii!*' Come, corac, confefs, you arc going t« 
figh away the evening with fome fair incognita. 

Attgufta. With a womaji, Saville — No, hang it— 
tljat woq'dn't aiifwer my pBrpofe.— If Sir Charles doci 
mei, cpme foon, the fchcrae is uodoDC. (JJidt.) 

SavUk, Where are you going then ! 

Augiifla. Oh ! Peihaps to judge of the play, by « 
Jounge in the lobby — or enjoy the Opera, by a ftrut 
in the cofiee-poom' — or elfc, take a nap ip the gallery 
ttf the Houfs oG Commons,, to prove my patiiotifm;' — 
in> fhoFFj like tbe bul^ of njaiikiiul, ^ay wh«re to avoi4 

Saville. That's juft my own cafc—foIIow my cx- 
i^rnpIc-T-if y»u WQHld avoid reflexion, the bull re- 
medy is 4t !wi4) to loJb ^ght o£ car^T—take a buiop^ 

EHter Sir CHarles. 

Sfr Gbarks, You are wrong there — that's the waj 

to fee it double-.— If the maa hates thinking — fend him 

to me-rr-Thc only refle^Log thing in my houfQ is 4 


Au^Jiu. Well, Saville as our friend Sir Charles- is 

here, I ve no ohjeilion to return for a few minntss j— * 

feH( fSpicrobcr our agreement — No play for me. — A 

• " word, 



word. Sir Charles — Are the falfe dice ready — are we" 
furc of fucceis ? (JJidt it Sk CbarUs.J 

Sir Charles. Yes, my confederates are la the next 
room, and my Ufe on't, we ftrip him of the laft fliil- 
iing. — (JJide to jlug.J Come let's difpatch — See the 
lads are at it already; the bones are in motion. 

Savitk. Are they ? Then flefti and blood can*t rc- 
fift — and now Chevalier, we'll lofe fight of reflexion 
Airever. [£*i( to company thro^ the folding doors. 

Enter Grump, tvili a Letter, 
Grump. Got a letter from my nephew — Come, to 

fee if it's true (Reads.) 

" Dear Uncle, 
*• I am fenfible of my error — grown quite another 
being — live with friends as prudent at yourfelf. Fa- 
vour me with a little fupply, to forward the reforma- 

Your ever obliged 

Geo. SaVille." 
Grump. Prudent as myfelf — can't be — however 
fomething in it, perhaps ; — wifli to be good naturt^ 
lend him 2 guinea. 

Re-enter Augufta,_/r9»» middle Racm. 

Augujla. So, they are already deeply engag'd — and 
I have given them die flijv— while he is pigecn'd it's 
better I fliould be out of the way.— —Who have wc 

Grump, One of the prudent fet, I fuppofe — not 
much like me though — Pump him :— -Servant. 

Augujla. Servant old Truepenny ; what brings yon 
here — warrant in your pocket — arrcft the word, hch ! 

Grump, Yes, that's the word— don't like it, may- 
hap. Where's my nephew ? 

Augttjla. His nephew! as I live, old Grump. He 
is rich, and I may affift Saville, without injuring my 
my own defigns (ajide.) Oh, Sir, I alk ten thou- 
fand pardons ; your nephew is quite an alter'd man. 

Grumf. Hear fo— begins to reform. 



Augujta , Begins-— fiinifli'd ! He has already {hun'd 
all his old friends. 

Grump. That's right — hate old friends; apt to 
borrow money .-^ Don't much like new ones. 

Augujia, A wife maxim, Sir, therefore 1 Ihould be 
happy to borrow a little, as being neither one nor 
t'other ; for betwixt ourfclves, your nephew is grown 
fo dofe of late- — — 

Grump, Think he is — keeps clofe in his hole— — 
Why not come out ? 

^"S'ift'^' ^°> ^ mean clofe filled, pcnnrious, waiy. 
I dare fay he outdoes you in every thing : — -youkeep no 
fervants, perhaps, and only ftaivc yourfelf ; — now he 
keeps feveral, and Aarves them and himfelf too. 

Grump, Starves them, does he ? Then you arc not 
•ne of his keeping, that's certain. However, if he is 
fo mifcrabic, ftep on — enjoy it with him. 

Jugujia. Stop ! flop ! You havVt heard all yet — 
He is grown exceflivcly fond of ftudy, and is at this 
moment up to the elbows in Slackftone. 

Grump. What Law! hch ! Don't like it — keep 
out of the way — interrupt him, perhaps. 

Augufta. Yes, you had better come another time. 

Gaod-day, Mr. Grump — Igive you joy, your nephew 

* is grown quite ftudious— ^-Good bye to you — fo ftu- 

dious, fo peaceful, fo qi*iet Your very humble fer- 


Grump, Aye, call another time Paid my vifit 

— fav'd a guinea. Servant — glad to 6nd every thing 
fo <)uiet< (Going,) 

(A laugh tuitbin. 
Ha ! what's all that ? 

Augujia, Plague take their clamour, (More noife.J 

Grump. What, Hell broke loofe ? Blackftone in a. 

Aurufia. Stay, Sir, I'll explain the whole affair : — 
The fa£l is this— Men of the firft charafler and learn- 
ing, who countenance your nephew, are met in the 
Dcxt room, to difcufs literary fubje£ls. 

Grump, Literati ; what in blue flockings, beb ! 



Bvev-Laugh at tlieir own jokes ; never «t, any body's 
elfe. — Take one peep at the blue ftodtings, however. 
' A^gujia, Stop, Sir — fer Heaven's fake, Sir, ftop ! 
If they fee you, they may grow de^rate ; they may 
lampoon you — write your hfe. 

Gmrnp. Write my life ! fo mnch the better— get 
into good company ; fhine in the tete-a-tetes.—'-'Win 
take a peep. 

Enter Sir C}at\t%, from folding doors. 

Sir CharUst Joy ! give me joy, Chevalier— •! have 
carried oiF the golden fleece. I have won every thing. 
Here, here, my friend, here's you ca& again, and ha 
notes for as much more. 

Jugujla. Stop your tongue — Don't you fee ? 

Sir Charles, See, yes, I do fee, and a fine lookhlg 
fellow it is ; juft one of us. Come, take a round, • 
Trufty — 'flife you ihaU enter— -and get as drunk at 
the reft of the party. 

Grump. Drunk ! What, Literati get drunk ?' 

Attgt^a. No, no, be means intoxicated *ith 
fcience, and flulh'd with the heat of argument-*-dt)n't 
jou, Sir Charles ? 

Sir Charles. I mean dulh'd with the juice of tBe 
grape, and as drunk as piper s . 

Jugnfia. Why you've Joft-your fenfcs* 

Grump. Not he- — can't Jofe what he never hid*™ 
SmokC) xhb whole.— ^Literati, indeed !— button my 

Augujia. Indeed, Sir, you mifundeTftandhim: they 
may have been drinking a little to quicken their fancy^ 
and deciding their controverfial fubjeiSs by betting.--- 
Nothing io common, is it Charles ? 

Sir Cbariei. Yon ntvet were rtorc out in your life j 
come along with, me, old Crabflick, and Vi\ give you 
ocular proof, preiof pbfitive, my Trojan. There— 
■ieverl's the main, and nothing's die chance ;— Miovr 
■ate you fatisfied i 

Grump. Yes, liee how thoy ftarvc thcmfclves;^;'-'*- 
OS while I'm fafb. 

, Sir CbatUs, Nay, you muft not go thus, my little 


A COMEDY. 3i^ 

M<»iey Flindier; they^neall fomad, you might pick: 
their pockets without being difcover'di* 

Griaipi ' Might I— ^ot' i bad h&li^nhy amongft 
Aem> though — Get my own pick'd pethaps, hang'd 
into die bargain. No> off while I can. — (Laitni} 
Good bye, LiteratU [Ettitt. 

Augufia, So, you have' amns'd yourfel£ to Ibtne 
purpofc : You don't know Savilk's uncle, old Gnuiip, 
when you fee him ? 

. Sir Charles. No ; never faw him in my life. 
. jtugnfta. . Except this infUnt, that ybu frighten'd 
him away, when I had perfuadcd him of Saville's re- 
formation.— 'Slife, though I have ntr motives for. 
luiniag him, there's no reafm why I mould not keep 
kis uncle as a corps de nfervt. 

Sir CharUs. Don't be vex'd at' my talking more 
tfian yourfelf ; but ftep in, and enjoy the viflory— ^ — - 
Ha ! here he comes ; I tnuil to niy pnyfkal fc^eme oti 
old Flurry. Adieu, my fwcet couGn ; what you 
wouM be at, heaven kilowS i 6nly two things I am 
fure of ; you Jove myftery, ,and I love money ; and fo^ ~ 
as he hbs none at prefcnt left to lofe, fare yoa well. 

£»(«■ Saviltt. 

Sav'ilU. Confufion! Day after day, the fame uhwea* 
tied perfccution-^neyer one fortunate hour. Yon 
here. Sir (To Augttfta.) As you would not be pre- 
fect while we plajTd, I think you might have avoided 
witneffing your friend's defeat. 

Auffijia. Why fo \ One may nurt kfs thaa 
t'other. . 

SavilU, How, Sir, is this a time for mirth ? 

Augufia. Nay, don't be angry, Saville ; when a 
man has loft his fences, htf can't eXped to keep hia 
money you know. 

SdvilkJ Deathindfire,keepyoHr temper, Sir; re- 
ftrain your warmth. • 

AuFuJia. Warmth, Savillc ; I never was cooler m 
* E my 



mf Hft ; aad irtiat'i many I faeMeie ymlU atfiw: fiat, 
a Way to warm n». 

Si^fiiit, Loaltyt, S«, Ibcfe^kA AwwthMifin&i 
awl if you'll fas tempentc {jAep.jSmt)i Ywiia«aw> 
1 iky, Sir^ for one iMmmDi i;>mraSi«tt i Will yoa 

jixgiUfa. Why I do, 1 di> facav yvu. 

SaviUe. Tfa«« «iu of t>«R good mft e i M B B B lf , 
out of good nature, I will give yoa a tbivw- fiir tn 

JbmfiK-, Nay, Saiv^le, I sever gauK; bifida it 
mun be ^yng £m) *otliing-—y<w lijTe uiOfE of die 
R9dy left. 

£«»Ak lluen liy buvenit, Vli be calm, no Ipoeor s 
Hark'e, Sir, you add infult t» ny d«%air ; and aoM 
X tan yoa 1 have been dap'il— dup'd by bnaves and 

<4i^jt». Cliamt Zaundst . I ii<^ -yvo dkN»*t 
alWe to me, £#. 

Sovittf. Ye«, SiT, I fu^eA yoo were in^e com- 
Wnation ; 3»d to 1>e fla^ Sir, I h«t«no4>ubt» but - 
yoa aAfatK'A tke .nttMy only to <«ifaai»nt»^ mii£ 
y««^ not inflantlygire me a chance of retrieval, t- 
will proclaim you to the world a thief and an impoftor. 

jiugufia (ajidej. Oh lord ! no body near — I'm ' 
fHc^tcn^d to death. 

SavUie. Come, Sir, I i»ve calFdyou impoAofi ' 

Jlupifta^ No, yoa harVt— indee* yea h«tVt. 

'SieiMlt. Thui E add cow«^l to tht fttgma, tttd no* 
I am refolVd on havmg iMisfb&ion, «ne wm of V&at. 
Owue, Sr, no evafion — Ae fWord or ihe Sce^ 

jlugufta. Oh lord. Sir, I ijefcr gaxc a Gcnt^^mA 
fatisfa<£titin In ay Bfe. 

■SsviUt. Mew, iaftaF% tn«tc1t, (N«ad yMttfelf 

JuKHfiafitutUng). Oh! Baye pity, Sif, if yonTl 
tee^, Tugiveytiuathov&ndpoin^^— ' 

SBciVii!'. A thou&nd devils !»-<3ii¥C xrre a fnr 



Grimp fiokhtitt}, T«Ulf)niK>tta«nrite'atffnoK"« 
weta*t pay poilage. [Eaters, 

^ugufta {fifing). D — mn yon, Sr, whl* do yoa 
Mem by a&rihg ne a tfcoufand pounds, (drawi and 
^m ff ;fj*(.) [Savillc rtmn* 

Came on, I fay. Sir. — What, yoa'rc had easugli 
have you ; Damme, I knew — I Aou'd humble you. • 

Grump, What, young flafh away turn'd duellift ! 

Augufia. Sir, I have been fo infulted, that I Ihall 
leave the houfe while I can keep my temper. Mr. 
Saville, if you can ihake off your natural timidity, 

^ou will let me hear from you ; if not, I ihall be ob- 
g'd to expofe you, I ihall, indeed. 

Grump. Fine fellow ! lick fome of my debtors into 
payment—What George \ Literati, too fierce, ha ! 

Sav'ille. Sir, this is no time for explanation.— As 
for you, mean wretch as yon are, diink not to efcapc 
my refentment. 

Au^ujia. What, you can bully now I Sir, if you'll 
believe me, when you came, the heftoring combatant 
you now fee, was aowa on his knees for pity, offering 
a thoufand pounds. 

Grump. Aye, aye, great bully I warrant — not 
worth fo hiany pence. 

Augvfta. Yes, Sir, he wou'd have frightcn'd any 
other man out of his fenfes — but I, Sir, — I hav» 
humbled him — come, go about your bulinef;, I pardon 

SavilJe. Pardon me ! hut you are too contemptible 
for notice. Dear Uncle, permit me to retire for a 
moment to recoUefl myfelf. [Exit, 

Augujia. Contemptible, indeed. — 'Sblood PIl fol- 
low and chaftife him this inftant. 
, Grump, Great mind to let him— the dog dcferv«6 
it — Qo^— rpare him thi< time e -valk with me. 

Auptjiat Well, Sir, out of mere refpcfl to you — 
dfc — zounds — if I did'n't know you'd prevent me, 
F^— -But no matter, I am cool. 

Grump,, That's right, more adapted to Literati; 
% a aome 



come TnJk fide hj fide — there now (nekiug bit SttU 
»id bal)-r-two hero's together. Od ! lick the world-— 
hdi! Brofher, Alexander. 

Augttfta. Yes, mj little Clytui, when yon come 
to know me, you'll nnd that I'm a match for any man ; 
if I dioofe to engage with bira, [£xAiit(. 

%jiji OF Second Act* 




A Room in an Old Houfe, lukh EUiir'ical and Maputicat 

. . apparatus, 

£n/«r Sir Qhx^iand Pallet ;» Difguifcf as a DoHor- 
tmd his Man' 

&VC*flr/«.x5RAV0, Matter Pallet ! Excellent-- 
how well one painter can copy another. You look 
like the re»l Dodor- Hubblebubhle himfelf. I always 
faid you had a good knack at difguife. What think 
yott of mc for your jourq^yman ? 

PalUt. Not ail apothecary's 'prentice in town can 
}ft better prCT>ar*d for a pelUe and mortar ; and, with 
fubmiffion, I may fay, difguife lits natural upon us 

Sir Charges. I have borrow'd this' old tioufe, and 
prpvided the trumpery that you fee, to give a better 
colour to the plan. 

Pallti. But are you fure. Flurry will venture hi- 

Sir Charles. Quite certain ; I knew he had heard of 
Dr. Hubblebubble s late fame in magnetifin, and other 
modern wonders ; therefore fent him a line in tht 
Doftor'a name, afliiring him that he wou'd make a 
complete cure of him, gratis, for the fake of his own 
Kputation. You may eafily imagine our valetudina- 
fian bit at the propofal. 

Pallet. No doubt ; but how can I bite him when he 
.comes ? toy brother, bruih, may underfland fomething 
of phylic i but [ confefs myfelf c|uite a novice in the 

Sir Charles. 



SirCharlet. Novice! fo much the better; what 
fignifiesfciencein thUage; puff your own ignorance ^ 
take advantage of the credulous, and you are fure to 
have a multitude at yout; heels. You muft talk to 
him in High Dutdi. . 

Pallet, 1 cou'd as foon converle with him in Chi- 

Sir Charles. No matter, any jargon will fuffice~- 
his folly will keep pace with yours, I warrant you.—- • 
Do but detain him here, till I can have an iatervieif 
with Mads m, and the bulinefs is done. 

Flurry f without J, Ha ! Hem V 

Sir Charles. Hufh ! here he comes— rtoyourftudiej 
— adjuft yoar perriwig/and fix.your brow. 

Flurry (luithmt). Mercy on mc ! what a terrible 
Aeep old flair cafe ; I'm up at laft, \Entefs'\. Oh dear ! 
Wliert's the Doflor— Is that the great mao that pro-- 
mifes to cure me with a touch, gratis ? ■ 

SirCharUs. Yea— the worfe you art, thfc feoiwr 
you'll be well. 

Flurry. Dear me ! how Ivctcy it ht that I'ffl fit hkX 
—may I fpcak to him ? he fcBiM quite taken up With 
faimfelf ; I expeAcd to have feen the wfaftte tdWn tt 

Sir Charles, -Hulh ! no noife — this is a private day 
— don't interrupt hit mediutiont ; and above all> mtnd 
how you tread — the whole room it oob ele&rical mat- 
ter. If you touch a nail, you*U be CtHIVuhM. 
. Fltirt<y. Ohlord!— -layhold ofme. (Pallet /rtjwr 
the /am^)— Dungeons and death— why we arc ahft^ 
in the dark. ~ 

Sir Charks, In the dark— to be fare— diat's the 
way your great phyficiatu pradlife — alwayV in the dark 
■; now. Sir, prepare yourfelf. 

Flurry, Yes— I— 4— will— —what mttft I do ? 

Sir Charles, Draw near die 'Do&tsf — as the fifft 
proof of his art. He'll put you t6 txeeffive pain.' 

Flurry, Exceffive pain-^^h lud 1 Vas. in a cbld 
fweat Jready. 

Sir Chtxrlitf Nerer fear— you'll fooS be waHn'd— 
now Doitor. Here Aands your patient. 



A COMEDY. - 39 

Palttt. Bntug out jafurprifing magnetic chair. 

Sir CharUt-(SriHpng it). Aye, this is the panacea— • 
this is the uDiverfal remedy. Come, Sir, Ible no time 
— ^et into, it — [ii/Wf] once fix. him there, and I'll be 

Faltet,. Fix At patiest, and go fetdk tie inftratn^its. 

Flurry, Inftraments !— CMi mercy !— I QtalU be cut 
np alive. 

Sir Charles. Quick, qnitk, lofe oo time) I hwr'n't 
a moment to fpare. 

F/urrj. Why, what are you about ! — wott'd you 
tiufs ne up like a rabbit ^ 

Sir Charles. So, he feems pretty bfe ; and now to 
(ecure bis Lady ;— -Do^'or, don't lofe light of your, 
patient. [£m& 

Flvrry, What arc you f wng to do, De&or ?- 
, Pallet. Now for de cure — ^firft, dis aliatic«ap mnft 
iic put over your face — come, no ftruggle. 

fnUr Aogufta. 

^gttfhi (tijtdt), I met Sit Charles nifliingout of this 
door in Jboi- a drcfs, and tn fuch hafte« he couM nt 
aafwer me. . 

Flurry. Take it away— *akei it away ; mercy Doc- 
tor 1 What, wou'd you iron malk- me ? 

^uFuJla. Herd's fomet^ing ipyfterious — pethap* 
Savilk is. in i5ie plot. 

Pallet. Put on de cap, or T fall gire you. endlcis 

fhtny. I won't — I won't be blind-folded. — Oh 
Ind, will no body help me. 

jiugu^a (over/its the table, with all the Eleflrical ap- 
paratus') I'll aid the confnlion, to fecure our retreat. 

Flurry, Oh hid !-— Oh d?ar — the worlds at an end— 
We flisJl be allbumtinourbeds. Help! help! [£*«. 

Palltt {;ivilJ>tht^hrkl^i*^it iMhit^ abtitt). Zounds, 
wh;^ a cralh ! Sure fome one muA have got into the 
Toom^— Damn the chair (tumbles ever it), I don't fee 
any body: — I'm a* much terrified as Fluny hrmfelf. ■ 

Jimgla f^fi&j. Are you fo ? then it^ high time I 
frou'd take couvage* 




PalUt, Well, I have £niAicd my DoAorfhip— »i4 
fo pcrriwio; be gone. — Now, if he does but fnc- 
ceed with Mrs. Flurry. , 

Jiugujla. Who fuccced with Mrs. Flurry ? 

PalUt, Oh forgive me my fins. 

Auptfia. Peace, blockhead ; who istofuceeed ffith 
Mrs. Flurry — Sir Charles, or Saville \ 

Pallet. Dear, fweet. Sir.— . ,. . 

Augufta, Don't prevaricate. 

Pallet. I won't. Saville, did you fay ? 

Augufta. Aye, Saville, Sir. — fcpme, , cotifeft, or 
I'll do you more mifchief-— than you intended to that 
old trembletonian. 

Pallet. If I betray, Sir Charles, I ruin every thing 
(«/W0. letter lay it to Saville {afide). Well, Sir, fincel 
muft confefs the truth, the whole is a fchemeof Mr. 
Savi lie's. 

Augufta. , So ! 

Pallet. He prevail'^ on. Sir Charics, and me, to 
lure Mr. Flurry into this old houfc, that he might 
pafs an agreeable half hour with his wife, and Sir 
Charles is now gone to inform him oi our fuccefs. 

Augufta. Condu£t me to them then. 

Pallet. What, Sir, wou'd you fpoil fport ? 

Augufla. Sport do you call it— Shew; me the wajr 
this inftant. 

Pallet. I wiU, Sir !— Oh lord ! I never was f» 
frighten'd in all my life — if I can but get fafe into the 
*reet, little Pallet will foon brulh off {aftde), ' 



Hie Ouiftde of the Htufe. 

Enter Augufta and Pallet _^om tht Datirt 

Augufta. Come along. Sir ; no more eledrkat 
tricks, if you pleafe, follow me. 

Pallet. To be fure. Sir— but firfl: let me lecure OM 
Fuzzlepate from following us [aftdej, 



Augufta.- Whydo yftu loiter fo ?--Cdaie Sr, leai 
th* way. 

Palkt. That I Will^ bdU make away too^f I caih 


Enter LiUgamus. 

ZiVz^. Charming fellow. Sir Charles I a few more 

JTuch Saroncts wou'd fupport a new Dolors Commons. 

Crim. con. as plenty as bops-^-OU Fluriy little think) 

what he's about now. 

Flurry {from the window). Help ! ticlp ! — ^whsrc 
am I? 

. Litlg. What, my dear Mr. Flurry up in the cock 

Flurry. My dear frieod Liti7->-is it you — where are 

Liiig, 'Wtere are we i'—ia Knight Rider-ilreet, 

Flurry. What, are you come to the Dp^or to be , 
cur'd with a touch, gratis ? 

Litlg. A touch, gratis-^h nb, — tliat wou'd not 
do for mc> When I am touch'd, I always take. 

Flurry, Oh dear, how fliall I find the way out of 
this confounded old maofion. Will you Aep up and 
affifl me ? _ 

Litig, Swift as tliought — but tie^procecdings are 
Aop'd — the door is lock'd — it will he impoJ&ble to join 
il&e on this occanon. 

Flurry. The door lock'd ! O mercy, I fliall be rob- 
bed and murdered. I'll try to.gtt out o^ the window. 

Litig. Heaven forbid ; you'll break your neck. I 
may lofe a client {afide'). There's a ladder yonder, 
by that houfe that's repairingt I'll go and fetoi it di- 
re£Hy. {Exit-, 

Flurry. Be quick, be quick ! While I'm here, my 
■wife may be going off widi her gallant. Oh ! if ever 
J think.of a touch again. 

Re-enter LitigamuSj with a Ladder* 
Litig. Nowj dear Sir, make haAe and defcend ; but 
Mke care j one falft ftep youkn«w— 

F - Slurry. 



Flurry. Yeijyei, IIcnow-il'IlbB^fterthem — fioIA 
it faft, Mr. Proiftor. Am I fafe f TTiere now— I'H 
be after them 3f -quid: at a lamplighter^ (litaii eut.) 

lalir, {With the ladder op his Jhoulder.) Gad, I 
thin^ 1 look more like a lamplighter— ^— Ha ! ha ! A 
whim&cal fuit this. N© matter; a good pro£Vorcan 
Mrry any thing. [Exit with ladder. 

Enter Mrs. Flurry end Sir Charles. 

Sir Charles, Surely, my deareft tnadam, you are not 

Afrs. Flurry. Hav'n't I realba to be ferious, Sir 
Chartca? I am. not the dupe you wifh'd mt. "Mf 
fervant told me, Mr. Flurry was here ; and I infill that 
you let me enter the honie dTrc6lly. 

Sir Charles. I tell you be is not there ; but if he 
was, you would not come in fearCh of your holband } 
Why if this were known> it would ruin you in polite 
life forever. 

Rertaur Pallet^ vnith the key. 

Pallet. Thanks to fortune, I have cfcaped from my 
trbablefome companion, ha ! 

Mrs. Flunj: - Don't prevent me. Sir Charies ; I 
infill on looking after him ; Sir open the door imme- 

Pallet. What, put man and wife in the fame 
piece ? 

Mrs. Flurry. I wi'll no longer be trifled with. 

Sir Charles, Think of the diffcitnce between the 
lover and the hnfband. 

Pallet. Yes, a good copy, and a bad original. 

Mrs. Flurry. Unhand me, I fay; nay, then 'tis 
time to call help ! help E 

SftviQc tntirs. 

Saville. How ! a lady in diflrefs — teleafe her this 

inilant, or by heavens 

■ Str Ctarles. Sikace, Sayillc— doo't interrupt paf- 


SavUie. Sir Charles, ii it yoq ? I Yusge theo tjvere , 

is no occaCon for my interference. 

Mn, Flurry, Sir, if you have any fpirit or huma- 
nity, you will pr&vent my being detaln'd any lenger 
from my hufband, who is lock'd up in that boufe. 
■ Saville, , Mrs. Flurry, the friend of Augufta ! Why, 
Sir' Charles, you wou d not keep the lady from her 

Pallet. Her hufband 1 the old flory. Harkye, — 
hackney'd as the^fff* — notorious, comniQn — 

Savitu, Sund by, Sir, I know the lady iv«U ; and 
the refpe£l that is her due. Say np more— but let her 
enter the houfe direftly. 

Sir Charles'. Zounds, Sayille> is this your friend- 
fhlp? - 

Saville. Friendfhip I I am forry, Sir Charles,- to 
find you fo unworthy of it. Come, Madam, favour 
me, with your hand ; there — ^be aflur'd while I have 
life, no power on earth fliall interrupt you. {Puts her 

Sir Charles- Death and fary ! Do you know what 
you have done. Sir J 

Saville, Yes, releafed a lady from violence ; and, 
perhaps, fayed my friend from dishonour. 

Sir Charles. Mighty well— I underAand this irony 
—but let me follow her.~or by all that' s i . ■ 
. Saville, « Spare your warmth^ Sir Charles; you have 
heard my determination. 

Sir Charles, Then you (hall hear mine— let me pafs 
this inftant ; or abide the confequences. 

Saville. The firft I will not— the laft I'm prepar'd 

Pallet, {with a tuekjiick). Come out my two edged 
bi-ufb— you ihall give the finiihing ftroke, I warrant. 

Saville. Is this your ufual bravery ! 

Sir Charles. No matter, Sir — I will pafs. 

Enter Augufla. 

^ugufla, Saville, in danger ; let me forget my fcx 

jaid&y to fin hiia~-{P^ciMgberJil/ en the^^e of Saville,) 

F 2 flurry, 



flurry {wtthtut). Oh lud! I can't find her any 

Sir Chartts, Augufla and Flurry comings— conruhon 
F— wc moft retire i Savillc, jpo ftiaU repent this in-* 
Cult. LSir Charles and Pallet Exatut, 

SavlUt. ' I have much to repent of ; but this I fl»U 
ev»r reflect upon with pleafure. 

ErUer Fhitry, 

Flurry. I have loft my vrife^I have loft my wif«r* 
and now I have loft the Proftor. 

EttifT Mrs. Flurry. 

J\4'rs. Flurry' Oh ! Mr. Flurry^ how happy I am 
to find you ; where have you been—how did you get 
out of the houfe } 

Flurry. How did you get into it. Whepe's your 
gallant — Oh if I cou'd but find the proflor. 

Augufloy {ajide). So, all is as I fufpeited, and % 
have been fighting in the defence of a rival. 

Mrs. Flurry. Indeed, Sir, I have been much 
oblig'd to this gentleman in your abfence, and while 
I live his generofity muft be engraved on 'my heart. 

Augufta, (j^de'), A very paflionate acknowledge- 
ment indeed. 

Flurry. Ha ! what am I oblig'd to ipore gentlemen 
than one. I thought, Mr. Saville had been attach'd to 
my ward, and not to my wife. 

Augujla; iajide.) So I thought too. 

Flurry. Oh ]ud ! at this rate, my poor nerves will 

be play d upon by every fellow in town — however I 

am now going to a place where they will put me in a 

way to reward you all — Do»3ors Commons for me— < 

. Oh ! if 1 cou'd but catch the proftor. [Exit. 

Mr-i, Flurry. Mr. Saville, your moft obedient, I 

- fhall find a better time to thank you. - [^Exlt. 

jiugiijia, I fuppofe fp. 

Saville. How comes it Chevalier, after what has 
paTed we meet as friends — tho' you wouM not fight 
with me, I fee you dare to draw in my defence. 



Augufia. The truth is — I am a ftrange creature, 
fiaviUc ; nay, fo very contradiaory, that at tim^ yoa 
wou'd almoft think me a woman — I bullied before 

J'our uncle to prove your temper — I offer'd the thou- 
iind pounds to try your generofity, and I cou'd do nq 
Jefs than affifl you in your loyp amirs, efpecially whea 
the lady is fo deferving. 

Saville. You miftake, I was her proteiSHor only, 
not her lover. 

Augujla. Come, come, confefs — She is a ypry 
beautiful woman, and you wanted to mar Sir 
Charles's happinefs by making your owh^ — Ha ! what's 
tiie matter with you f Heavens! there's blood upon 
your arm. 

. . Saville. I kqow It — a mere fcratch, not worth a 

Jugufla. Not worth a thought— Oh here take my 
?iandkcrchief, bind it dircflly — Come, you muftr— 
yott^ull — Nay then I'll bind it fnyfclf* Lei me fee ! 
Heavens ! What a wound — Oh Saville ! 
aavillc. What agitates you ? 

Aupifia, The fight of blood diflblves me-!— it peije- 
frates my foul. I can't fupport if. 
Saville. This from an enemy ? 
Augujla. I am not your enemy Saville, I'm yoat 
friend ; one whofe heart bleeds for every wound in 
yours — But while we talk you grow fainter. Let me 
: pondufl you to Mr. Flurry s — there perhaps, the lady 
who loves you, will confole you.' 

Saville. Why will you mifconceive me, I never 
Joved but one nof ever faij ; the angpl I was anach'd 
to, was as fupprior to the reft of her fex — But I'Utrou^ 
ble you no longer — farewel. 

Augujia, Stay I let me accompany you. 
Savtlle, No, I have private buHnefs, andwiUde.r 
tain you no further. — Give me your hand Chevalier, 
you are a generous fellow, and I feel much diftrefs'd 
from the thought of haying injur'd you— rwc Ihall 
Ipeet again. \^Exit. 

Au^Jla. Foot Saville ! — He little thinks howweH 
\ know where his private buiinefs is ; but as ^^'^ 1?^- 


Tcr happens to be mine teo, I hope to get poffefllon of 
bis remaiiuDg [»: operty by co-morrow at faithefi> 

£nter a Lawyer's Oerk. 
^ Cltrtt Sir, my maftcr, Counfellor G^> hath order'j 
ine to mn after you with a letter. 
' jfkgujia. From Saville*s lawyer, the very man { 
was thinking of. (Re^i}. 

" Dcarclt of ladies. Orcuits — nifi, prius — ^nani* 
** fold briefs, and feme motions of courfe, oblige mc 
•• to move out of town — muft defer client Savitle s dif. 
^ ** trefs till return — hope ho diflrefs to you, can but b^ 
*• inore done up. — Have faid the needful, cou'd fay 
f more, but deGll, I am a man of few words. 
** Y pur's venj 

" Gahiiet Ga^:' 
BIe& mcj this delay may be fatal — Saville's circyra- 
flances can never fuffer him to wait for this man of 
ftw words. He will moft likely apply elfcwhere, and 
my plans be erttirely overfet. Let me conGder, I 
have it. — As I find Saville has no knowledge of hi* ' 
lawyer's perfon, I'll pop my friend, the counfellors 
tyc, over this little noddle of mine — borrow his diam-i 
bcrs in his abfence, and prove myfelf as wife in one 
gown as another. lExii, 

Ewp ^F 'Third Act. 


A C T IV. 


Chamhers tn the Temple. 

£ntfr a Lawyer's Cleric, Jiewittg iit SariUc;. 

Cleri. Pray Sir, walk in, lexpeamy mafterfrom 
WeftminAer Hall immediatdy''— He beg d you wtm'tl 
not go away. 
' Saviile, I believe it is fomewhac paft the time ap- 

Clirk. I dare fay, Sir, he*U be here in a nunute, 
pray Sir fit down. 

Saviile. Thank you friend — I ihall amufe myfelf, 

CUrkfXafide). I wonder how, madam, my fliam 
ouAer will cfcape beit^ difcover'd-^^but women and 
lawyers talk equally faA — therefore her taik won't bo 
fo difficult. [Eeeit. 

SavlUe, My diflrelTes crood upon me fo rapidly— I 
luiownot whither to turn my (elf— the money I am now 
about to rarfe, is my lafl; Itake, half of that is gonf 
already, my uncle has refus'd every afliilance) hut what 
does it fignify — I have loft all hope of my Augufla^ 
and the chEBm of living ii no more. 

iiugujla {as a ctmnfeliar) without, Thomas pay the 
coachman fispence, counfcllor Coaxem pays the other 
teller — We ftapp'd ten yards fhort of Temple Bar on 
purpofe(£Hm-j). Yourname, Sir, I prefumc is Saviile— 
Sorry I have been fo detained and Aopp'd, by caufe why, 
at Weftminfter Hall— hut if fo be ai it fhouM be fo,' as 
that I hare not made you wait— there is nothing loft, 
by not putting in appearance. 

' Saviile, 


48 Setter late than *^EVEft< 

SavilU. No apolcvf , fir, is necefliliy, I afloR jaUf 
you know my bufineu, and I iiiidcrftand can do it—* 
the deeds are all in your hands, and yoa approve them j 
your letter fo informs mc. 

Juptfta. Sir, my name it counfellor Gab — and 
when counfellor Gab fays a thing — that is when a thing 
is faid — then he fays no more aboiit it— i-yon want ta 
find, raife, and make up a fum of money. Coun-' 
fellor Gab has client to that e&£t— You Ihew caufcof 
fecurity, and then efied follows caufe, as in cafes out 
of number. — I am a man of few words, 

Saville, I like few words full as well asyourfelf — I 
am in want of money, and have Ihewn caufa as you 

jtupijia. True, want of money is like a chancery 
fult. a trial of patience. 

Saville, I pcrcciw: it is indeed— --but if every thing 
is ready, there can be no occafion for further delays 
and in that cafe, I have only to fatisfyyou. 

j^ugufia. As to the money, all that remains is a biH 
on bankers ifi form due at Cght, payable to bearer, 
pcrfeflly legal, but avoids (lamps, and fhall be iint ti 
morrow ; but if fo be as that you likcj with, or re- 
queft mode that is diffirent-^Counfellor Gab is always 
ready to fatlsfy client, without making ofe of many 
words — and if you wiCi for an opinion — 

Saville. By no means, Mr. Counfellor, I wou'd not 
iNfifh to trefpafs on your time 

Auptfta, You're right ; a trefpafs on the cafe is ai 
I faid before. Vide cafes out of number, fuits, pleas, 
cofts, taxes and demurrers ; for inftancc, if a man lofes 
bis millrefs. - 

Saville., I beg you will not trouble yourfelf^ 

Augufta, Or to prove clearer, Aippofeplaintiffhas 
loft fortune to fiiarpers, the aAion— 

Saville, Needs no rhetoric to condemn it. 

Enter Clerk. 
Clerk, A lady defires to fpeak with you. Sir. 
Aupifta. A lady ! well defire the lady to-walk in* 
SavilU, I fe^ I intrude* 


A COMEDY. > . . ^ 

' Angujia^ Oh, not in tbe Usft ; the lady fliiUbe 
difpatch'd immcdiateiy ; I never throw away my: time 
upon women. 

£«Kr Diary. 

Diary. If I may be fo inquifitoui as to alk, your 
name U Mr. Lawyer Gab. I waited on you from' my 
miitrefs) Mifs Augufta Metmouth. Lord, Mr. Savillc 
here ; who would have fuppofed it ? But 1 fe^g pardori, 
ai Oreftcs faid to his friend, Pilgatlio^— 

Saviile. Well, what of your lady ? io'ii't be afraid 
of me. I'hope flie is well, add 1 ought to wifh that 
ihe is happy. 

Diary. Now to adl my part as well as niy miftrefs 
{ajide). Nay, as for the matter of that, my young laUy 
wants nothing — that is, nothing more than othet" 
young ladies want too. She wilh'd to know whether 
Mr. Lawyer here, had examin'd the m triage articles 
on her fide, and whether Mr. Lawyer on t'other fidt 
had examin'd them too ; and whether they were ready, 
on both fides ; — and fo I came to enquire, like .the Bufy 
Body there, in the Way of the World. ' 

Savilie. What did you fay ? Marriage drttcles !— 
Sure your young lady, Augufta, is not goli^ to b* 
married f 

Diary, Lord, Sir, and why not? If gcntfcildiin deal 
cards one way, ladies muft play thtfir cards ahother, as 
Skippio fays, in Gil Bias. Doft't you thiiik fo, Mr. 

Jugufla, Skippio ! Never faw art oplniori'of his in 
£ny life ; but as to cards, if two females engage' with 
one gentleman, it's odds but he'll he put td his trunips* 

Saviile. You fcem merry Sif. 

Augujia. Yes, during term, finile and talk-^id va- 
cation, &d and filent. 

.SavilU, Permit me, Mfs. T^iirf to alk only otifi 
queftion — ^Who is dellm'd to he the pofl«0c>r of that 
heart the proudefl might afpire to } and whicjt ones 
the humbled wag bold enough to folicit. 

Avptfia. I fwear by the al£z«s, Mr. Seville, tilt yOu 
feim ai iff u how you wanted to take a client out of 



my'hdtuh, if ths yovnis tidy ditilts M lAany. tf A. 
'wxon to join inuc ^th B. what luu'D. 'm 4m 
with it? 

Diary. Aye, what has. D. to do with ifliic ? So> 
j)ray let us alone Mti Saville ; and do you, Mr. Law- 
yer,- be pleas'd to fend home the marriage ceremonies, 
that my miflrefs may put her band to them as foon as 
poflible ; ibr wh^ we women take a thing in our heads^ 
Ve are determined to go through with it, as C»^ lays 
in his dictionary. 

Saville, I ouEht certainly to hc^ your pardon f-of 
the eameftnets of my enquiries j but the Lady men- 
tion*d, was one. whom I was once weak enough — Sat 
Ao matter — I mall only intrude further oa yoiir pa- 
tience. ' ■ 
■ ^ugufla. Not in the leaft, I fccJ intcreftcd in that 
warmth which does yoi* fo much honour—but perlu^ 
the Lady may be ignorant of it. 

. Saville. That is not now materisl — Bids me, 1 hava 
exceeded my time ; I have an appointment with Sir 
Charles Chouie, which obliges me to be pundual. 

^Hmfia. Obliges you to be pundual — there is 
liircly uimething in your manner that feems to indicate 
what I hoffc is not true, that you have an xfi^r of ho- 
Aour on your hands — Can I be of fervice ? 

"Sftviile. Sure, Sir, I -ought to be furpris' the 
akeratton of your ftile. 

Atipifta. Oh dear. Sir, wc lawyers lisre two ian- 
guagt:^ one for forms and courts, another for tecUngs 
and friendship. 

SaviHe. 1 am oHig'd *o you, Bir, for the compli- 
ment, "but all I have t» requeift is, that you will fend 
iht money lo-morrow. - 

jlugujia, CounfeHor Gah has promis'd, and per- 
formance follows of-courie. Would I cDu''d detain 
. him -till I had Icen -SirCharles {ajtdi}. Sir, on fecond 
thoughts, kf^ h the laws delay is irkfomea as neceflity 
lias no law, pleafe to wah in niat library till 2 return^ ' 
and J'U eodearour to ^et'the Turn ^Kcified on notice 



A COMSDX-. . ■- 5: 

Sav'lln It »* impoffible fgr me to ftay— rtc-njorrQW 
ntuft fu£ce> 

jiugtifia. Let me advife you, Sjr, to tarry — iban't 
- Vc long-^yott'H find pretty i;ccreation in my Ubrary-n- 
^tatutcs ac Large — Burn's Juftice-r-aew edition— Laww- 
jrer's Vadfl-mecvm — £vcry Man his owq Atitvaey-r 
.Pleadings. at Nifi Piius. 

Saville. Very inllmflivc-7-biit I cao't profit by 
tbem at prefent — Your fervant. 

Augufia. Pray^ Sir, Aay a Uttle. 

SgvUles It is not in i^y power. 

jiugufia. Do, take counfel. 
' Sayille. , I t?U you I hflv^i V(ad etlOpg^ of counfel. 

Augufla. I hope, Sir, you don't doubt my ability. 

SmiUe, Not in tbe art of l^Ufing, I aflyrc you. 

Aft-p^0. If yoB did b^t know me, yijp wou'd n't 
wonder at ftiy excellence io tha(. 

Saviilt. I w.onder at notbing in a lawyer, but the 
i^iffi^ulfy of getting rid of him.. Adieu. \Exit, 

Augujla. I will but ftay to difcngage myfelf fro^p 
tbefe law encumbrances, and try if I can't be before- 
hand with Sir Charles, for I a;n df terrpi^'d to prevent 
.this dre4de4 r^contre, if poflibU* \_Exlt, 

~A large Exhih'iUm Rrnan in Palltt'^ ^jS^» '"''^ various 
fiharet, and a whgle length of Mn. Flfrry. A Win~ 
dew luith a Curtain down, afc. a Sopha, i^e. 

BnUr Lifigamus'U»'li6 a Urge ftciet-book and pencil. 

Zfltig, Here am I, ftill upon the look out in Mafter 
' Pallet s femioary, tho' he himfclf is no party (a thiB 
motion ; gsr his frieudi Sif Charlesj 1 fi)id, thp' a 
good m»i££r of cUf nts, m but A forry one himfclf, there- 
fore I am gone over to my firft opiaionv^-rOtd Flurry 
bv got H into hit head that his Lady is comjng here 
again, fo meet her paramour) fo he h^ Tent me Qily 
to (ake notts of proceeding. ^ blsff, «U billing and 
G 4 ' . cooinfT, 

■ D,gn,-.rihyGOO>^IC 


cooing, I lay ! they are die fack and fiigar of Dodor* 
Commons — give me a daihing wife to lead up the 
dance, and a good hulband to pay the pipep— Sure I 
hcjir fomcbody — I had better conceal myfelf — it will 
iook'fo treacherous, to pretend friendfliip, and then dif- 
cover Ac parties — No, at all events— I'll betray with 
honour — ^Whete Ihall I go ? — Oh ! aye — aye — this fo- 
pha will do the bufinefs. ■ [^CaiKtals hlmjilf under it. 

Enter Mrs. Flurry arid Sir Charles. 

Afrs.- Flurry. I.eavc me. Sir, — I will no more be 

jS;V Charles. Nay, my dear Mrs- Flurry, hear 
reafoR. ^ 

Mrs. Flurry. No, Sr, 111 hear nothing ; I inCft 
on youTpurfiiing rac no ifijrther. I had never ventor'd 
here again had I not feen you at the end of the ilreet, 
and ftepp'd In on puipofe to avoid you. 
' Sr Charles, Now, my dear Madam, how can yoa 
be fo ungenerous ? 

Afrs. Flurry. Ungenerous, do you call me — Can I 
forget lyoup Ireadiery, yoor dirrefpedl, your violence. 

Sir Charles. The irrefiftable effea of yoor charms, 
my angel ; believe me a pretty woman mould always 
forgive the tranfports which her own'beauty occafions. 

Afrs. Flurry, I tell you again,- Sir, leave me. 

Sir Charles. No, I will ftiU be your ihadow ; you 
know the fincerity of my paffion for you. 

Litig {peeping), Ayp, now my bufinefs is going to 
begin {djide), 

Mrs. Flurry. Whither wou'd you lead, Sr Charles ? 
don't I know you. 

Sir Charles. I fwear you mtfinterpret all my fcnti- 
ments. Love — pure diCntercfted^Iove,is the foundation 
of thofe attentions which'muft occupy my life. Thofe 
who view you, cou'd not doubt it — then let us thus 
feal our reconciliation. 

Litig, This is a cafe in point— A. kifles B's hand. 

Adrs, Flurry. I beg. Sir Charles, you will defift— 

Lit'tg {peeping).- A\^aQakn{e, 

Sir Charla, 




Sir Charles. Come, come, opportunity is the blifs 
of love. 

Utiz, Five thoufand pounds damages ^ IcaA. 

Pallet (vAthoui), But my dear Mr. Flurry, have a 
'little patience, depend upon it, your Lady can't come 
into my houfe without my knowing it. 

Mrs. Flurry. Oh heavens ! my hufband — Fm un- 
done if he fees us again together. Whither fliall I 
fly — can't we get out of the room ? 

Sir Charles. Zounds, they're at the door ; here let 
US ftep behind your pifture — the fair copy ihall coo- 
eeal the beautiful original. {They go hth'tnd^ 

X-itig. Five thoufand pounds reduc'd to a cypher. 

Enter Pallet, Flurry, «»rf Grump. 

Pallet. There, now you have fearch'd the whole 
houfc, and you fee what I told you is true — no Mrs. 
Flurry to be found. 

Grump. Glad of it — better never found again ; 
don't you think fo Old Incredulous? 

Litig. Freih company, I muft turn over a new 

leaf («>/.)• 

Flurry. Dear me, I fcarce know what I'm about — 
there is the confounded piflure I told you of. 

Pallet. Yes, tho' I fay it myfelf, the copy is as it 
the original was there too. 

Grump {pulling the fopha round to look at the pilluri). 
Aye, one as bad as t'other ; but come, let's look- 
looking at a pidturc colts nothing—- — What's that be- 
hind, a lamb or a goat ? 

Pallet (^difceveriHg Litig). Oh mercy ! A man cot*- 
ceal'd I 

Flurry, Murder ! thieves and robbers ! 

Grump, Ha ! what — rob me.— Wifti he wou'd— 
was robb'd once, and never had a better da*^ in 
— hang'd the man, jnd got forty {founds by it. 

Litig. Don't abufe me, Gentleinen, I come here on 
bulinefs ; I am no robber, I am a lin^b of the law. ' 

Grump. All the fame thing— -better lopp'd off. 




Pallet, My houfe i; no place for hw^ X can, affure 
you, we never have any bad people here— 

Flurry. Yes you have, Mr, Pallet, bad enough— 
my wife is a proof of it. As to Liti, I Cent him my' 
felf to fee what he couM make out. 

Crump. Make you out a bill that will make you 

JPtfllet, Come, Matter Proflor. — Step avt of my 
houfe, no law's delays here — ^you'll find nothing to 
make a'bill from, in this apartment. 

Litig. Are you liire of that, Sc^uire Pallet,— ^rhaps 
there may be objefls in the back ground that may fweU 
the landfcape amazingly— figures oqt of fight. 

Pallet. 1 proteft and vow, I don't know what figures 
yon are prating about. 

Flurry, Prate away dear LitJ — ^have yoa difcOTer'd 
any thing wicked i Do fpeak and make me happy. 

Liiig. Perhaps, yes,— ^rhaps, no— the pi^re in- 
deed is not quite finifli'd — fony, dn my own account, it 
is not, as well as my clients—^ greafdeal oijt Qf botlj 
our pockets, — but undone now — may be done anothcc 
time— Sir Charles is a man to wheeale over a Lady- - 

Pallet, As I hope to be E — Fj— A — I don't cdmpre- 
Iiend a word ; what Sir CharUv do you allude to ? 

Litig. "Why, the fame Sir Charles that puzzled you 
about Mrs. Jenkyns, and Mrs. Tomkyns— that wag 
himtelf fo generous, and made love to another man's 
*ife, merely for the fake of a little loofc CaJh, to re- 
ward his friends the better. 

Flurry, Oh, that my wife did but hear that ! 

Pallet, Red and white lead, Mr. Turncoat 1 how 
dare you go about thus to difgrace me under my own 

Grump, Can't be difgrac'd — thovght no worfe of 
here, than every where eJfe. 

Lkig, Nay, tf you doubt my evidence, PH call him 
in the twinkling of an eye, to fpeak for himfelf — he*» 
within a yard of foaiebody's elbow. 

Flurry. Oh liid 1 — Pm frightca'd to death. 

Pallet, You audacious dirtier of parchment,' do you 



' think I liiffer any dark dmngs in my lioufe, when I im 
out of it. 

Lhig. I don'l mind abufe, it's what I am ns'd to— 
lb ril m^c bold to draw up that curtain, lod throw a 
new light upon the fubjedt. 

faJiet (S*'''i *f ** '^ •onsabw, dranui mp the curtmix, Mnd 
M jfirnti; Sir Charies, iet'titJnfMgam). I'll iavc you the 
trotdde, for I defy your malice ; Sir Charles lu> aot . 
been here, I csi c fay when, and ihoa'd he prefume 
"to come without my knowledge, I Ihou'd foon let drop« 
Sir CharUs (givi^ Pallet a fw/t). Huftil— the 
pro<£tor knows I am here — ftop his tongue, -and }kotd 
jrotrr cwti. 

Litig, YeSj-^you do drop indeed. 
Pallet (giving a purfi lo LiligJ. Why, what<Io«t the 
man mean — do you want the fun to put your eyes oat f 
Litig it^is tbefurfe). Oh no ! I had mndi rather 
be hoodwink'd — perhaps I am miftak«n— -I liioughit 
that— 4nit— -what w» it that we were talking about. 
"Mxi Pallet — ^my hands are io full of balinels, diM my 
neiBory is Toy treacherout. 

Pallet. Nothing can be more likely 6>r a gentle- 
man of great pra^ce,Asi frequently find myfelf- — when 
I mention'd Sir Charles, I lurdly recoUeaed what I 
was doii^'—tfae bcA artifts may beg^ a de£gn wilJiout 
fcaowang how it will be Sniih d. 

GniMp. No good deltgn here— bad begimiiag— 
worfe endinr. 

Flurry. Mctct on ns I We're all as much in the 
dark as ever, I'll go and open Hk csrcain oiyfelf 
(_goi>^ taiuanls tkt wtiidew).-^~ 

- P-aikt. Sweet Sr, can t ijiiak of trotlUing yoa— 
bcfdesyourproftorisiatisfied faimfeM. 

Litig' Quite fo— Mr. Pallet's argument* u>e irre- 

Fiurry. No matter, I wiUdraw up the enrtatn. 
Grump. That's right— peep for nothing— 4ead you 
n>y Ipe^aplM. , ^ 

Palltt {^Jhffisg him). Mypifhirwarenot yetdry — ■ 
you may put out foihe of the figiires. 
' ■tSutry. 1 will go to the window. 




Pallet {Jhugglittg to keep him back). You muft riot. 

Afrs. Flurry i_^'fif§oging herfeiffrom Sir Clurlcs). 
Unhand me, Sir Charles. 

Flurry {parting). Oh heavens ! my wife coopM up 
with her gallant. 

Grvmp, Yes — yoii have put out the figures, indeed. 

Afn. Flurry, Mr. Flurry, to you, Sir, only, I owe 
any apology, if apology be neceffary ; but, confcious of 
my own innocence, f feel no fear in appearing beforS 

Flurry, Oh cockatrice, don't think of iropoiing 
npon me, I have already been frighten'd out of my 
fcnfes upon your account ; and now don't I find you 
here hid behind your own fclf? Oh! Mr. -Pallet i 
what you blufti do you f . 

Pallet. Dear Sir, you know. I live by colouring. 
Good Madam, do me jufticc. Tell any ftory to fave 
us both {ajide), 

Mrs. Flurry. I difdain prevarication. Sir, and want 
no fuch aid ; I came here actually to avoid this gentle- 
man, whom I faw at one .end of the Arcet,.and who, 
unknown to myfelf, foUow'd me in at the other. 

lAtig, Very right— So that's the way both ends 

Mrs, Flurry. Let me hope. Sir, you will not infult, 
unjuilly, a woman^ feelings ; if you have been prefent 
all the time, you can t^ftify what has paft. 

Litlg, Perfectly right in your ftatement ; I have 
the whole dowt^ upon paper. With the dami^s that 
wou'd have been, but for interruption.. 

Flurry, There — ^there ! I told you what wou'd 
have happcn'd \f the proftor is a lofer as well as my- 
felf ^ but I'll bring my ailionagaiaft you. Sir Charles, 

Sir Charles. Mr. Flurry, I beg we may undcrftand 
each other ; hitherto I have taken compaffion on your 
weak fide. 

Grump. So he did— took compaffion on your wife. 

Sir Charles. But if you arc not fatisfied, Ihaveftir- 
ther f^tisfaftion at your fervicei 




Flurry, Ludi lud ! What, wou'd you murder me ? 

ii'dV. What, put an end to the iuit before tcrm^ 
or caoie ihewn, or before one Do^or of Civil Law has 
Ifoken upon the cafe ? 

Sir Charles. Peace, you ignorant— 

JJtig. Ignorant ! 

Sir Charles. Yes, ignorant. 

Lilig, Oh, oh \ Ignorant \ a Lawyer too— that's » 

Sir Charles. Silence, babbler \ the lady will, I am 
fure, clear me from all attempts on her honour \ and 
as for you, ((o Flurry) look'e, Sir, Ihould you prefume 
to attack mine — I fay, look*e. Sir, you will follow me 
immediately. \Ex'it, 

Litig. Heaven forbid ; truft to the law, my client. 
We don't want courage in the Courts ; leave your 
quarrel to me ; I'll call out the partie>--Citation— 

JIfrs Flurry, A truce to your ja^on, Mr. ProC- 
tor; we can quarrel enough, without your interference. 

Flurry. That we can, without any interference at 
all. Blefs, me, what a happy man I am ! to have my 
wife painted for nothing ; my proflor convinc'd by a 
look, and my throat cut by way of fatisfa£tion. On ! 
what a fortunate hufband am I. \_Exit Mr. aiitl Mrs. 

Grump. Yes, fortunate as wife — fuch a head for ma- 
trimony — always judge of a tree by its branches. 

Pallet, What an unlucky thing it is to exhibit a 
pi^ure, without £rft examining the back ground. 

Litig, (^counting the guineas.) And yet, my good Mr, 
Pallet, bow wonderfolly you fhine in your profe'flion. 

Pallet^ {putting his band to his mouth). And my dear 
Mr. Liti, hon( greatly you excel in yours. 

Litig. Do you think fo J Then you ihall paint my 

Pallet. Ha! ha! ha ! then in return, you fhall make 
jay will. \Exeunt, laughingt and wheedling each other. 

End of the Fourth Act. 





4u^JI<^i Jpartnuutf in her mm Heuft. 

Enter Diary 

Diary. W E women are always upon the CHangO^ 
at they fay in the City, and I am fare my miflrefl 
wou'd make an exceUeat weathercock. Once I tbourht 
Ac was all love and raptore about poor Mr. SaviUe ; 
but now— -^ — ^h, here i(he is, propria epta rruribusy as 
the HeMbeos caU it. 

&nter Augofla, (in her mm dref]). 

Augufta, Glad to fee you, Ma*am, come to yonr- 
felf again; bilt as you was bold enough to Wear the 
brec(£es before lUatriage, I think yon might have as 
Well continued them on till afterwards. 

Juptjla, Suppofe I don*t mean to marry ^t a]l> 

Diary, N6t marry at alt Ma'am ! Why now yon 
have niin'd Mr. Saville, you malt give him fatis^c- 
tion, as poor Polydore, the OrjAan lays, 

Augkpt, Better ofte ftioii'd be rtin'd, than both of ' 
of us. Diary. What profpedt of happinefs can I havt 
with a man, Whofe irregularity of lire is fo coiifpitu- 
ous, his rage for play is eoHall'd only by the ■ncon- 
ftancy of his heart — ^Mrs. Flurry, \ 




. J>iary. Mrf. Flurry ; dear Madam, have you forgot 
Counlellor Gab — his coni;?m about th(» marfiage fctlk- 
|i)eiit>^hil anxious enquiries. 

Auptfta. Not to be depended on Diary, in tljc Icaft 
-— light and unf^ttled in bis nature ; he flies from one 
icenc of diffipadon to another. Oi^ beiiring, as J •fflp- 
pofe, of the difcovery at the painter's, and ^tiding his 
inamorata as faithlef; as himfelf, he had immediate re* 
courfe to the gaming table, and th<;fe loH every far- 
thing of that money, which I h^, upd^r my RQani'4 • 
character, taken fo much pains to fupply him with* 

Diary, Poor dear Mr. §avil]e ; then he is n,QW 
quite ftripp'd — a$ hare as Parfon Adams himf^lfl 
, He'll never be a Pyramid to your Thifbe. 

SavHle {without), \ mul^, and will fee her. 

Diary, As I'm a maid, Mr. Savillc himfelf ! My 
dear miilrejs, think of his diftrefs ; ftsy apd take pity. 

Saville enters (('» difordcr.) 

Sevillt. Augufta ! 

Diary. Ah, Sifi I fear its all in vain ; you're aa 
undone man. 

Savilie, I am indeed ; the laft blow is flruck ; and 
hope hat forfaken me forever. What, avoid me Au* 
gufts } Believe me, there is no occasion ; I come not 
here to interrupt your happier hours. Gay, bloom- 
ing, and furrounded with life's brightefl profpe^s, I 
aik you not to Ihare the forrows of a wretch, who 
fuffers juftly for his own imprudence. 

Diary, Lord, Sir, that's juft what my millrefa fayi 

Sftvilh, I doubt it not ; her looks betray the ftem- 
ne(s of her heart. Tugi not away, Augulta; hear 
me but a moment. 'Tis the lafi requeft I fliall cvei 
make. I came to bid you an eternal adieu. 

Diary, Dear, dear, what a difmal word that is. 

Saviil*. If I have been thoughtlefs and extrava< 

gint, believe me, Augufta, my love has never been ef- 

•trang'd from you ; mid'ft all the torments of a torii 

diftrafted bpfom, your fweet idea ftill has twin'd 

H 3 around 



iround mv heart. Evea now the fond remembrance 
of thofe acxr ddights that mutually engag'd our ear- 
lier years, doubles my diftrefs, and makes the agony 
I feel extreme.' 

Diary. I cannot bear it any longer. What a Samp- 
fon Agoniftes he is ! 

Savi/U. I leave Y("i> Madam, to that happine(s> I 
was not born to beftow. But if I am now ruin'd be- 
yond a pol&bility of recovery, knOw that I have 
■ plung'd myfelf ftill deeper and deeper, from the dclu- 
ilve hope, of again retrieving my fliallcr'd fortune, 
only to lay it at Augufla's feet. I ihould have thought 
a finglc tear of tender recolle£lion, would not have coft 
too dear. My friend, the Chevalier, can teftify how 
Itrenuoufly I have vindicated your conduf^, and ar- 
raign'd my own. 

Augufla (cea/ly). The Chevalier, Sir> entertains the 
fame opinion of you as Augufta does. '^■^ 

SavilU, Yes, Madam, I fee how it is. Too late I 
find, of whatlittlemoment my peaceof mindis toyeu: 
Saville, the proud, the profperous, and the affluent, 
you might have condefcended to receive ; — but poor, 
abjcfl, and difconfolate ; his fortunes ruinM, and his 
heart broke down, not only Love difdains, but ^vcii 
Pity will not fpare aigh. From this hour I fix my 
opinion of your fex. Weak is the man who expels 
to find fympathy, or feeling in a woman's breaft, 

[Augujia curt' feyiy and ex'itt 

SavUk. Conftifion ! does llie mean to infult my for-> 
rows ! Can Ihe triumph over my diftrefs ? Unkind 
Augufta ! 

Diary,. Dear Sir, don't take it fo to heart; be 
calm. ^ 

■Saville, Calm, Diary ! Inipoffible ! Who that bai 
ever lov'd like mcr— Oh, Oh ! 

Diary. Lord ! Lord ! I can't fland it — it's toe 

much. Mr. Saville, Sir, don't think I've a heart like 

my miftrefs ; I pity you, \ feel for you, indeed I do. 

Oh ! if (he had ever read Pluto's Lives, or the great 




Heroes of Antiquitjr^ Ihe wou'd have known what real 
fympathy was. . 

Saville, She has certainly fbrm'd fome other attach- 
ment, and I will know the worft — my good Diary> I 
thank you for the part you take in my concerns: 
accept this purfc — 'tis all the recompenft I have in 
my power to make you ; and now tell me, as the laft 
favour I Ihalt alk, who is to be the happy partner of 
your lovely miftrefs f 

Diary. Don't, Sir, don't— Oh ! Mr. Saville, I 
cou'd difcover ; but I won't take it, indeed I won't. 

Saville, Take it — I inUft upon it; and now telt 
mc every thing you know. 

Diary (^taking the purfe). You have been cruelly 
deceiv'd ; indeed you have — My artful mJllrcfs ! 

Saville. How, Diary ! 

Diary. I us'd to think it was all out of kindnefs t* 
you ; but nowr^ I fear fhe is falfe as Queen Dido. 

Saville, Keep me not on the torture of fufpenfe ; 
but go on. 

Diary. Well then, under another namCa 

Saville, Another name ! 

Diary, Ycs, under another name, ihe has coatriv'd 
to get pofleffion of great part of your fortune. 

Saville. Amaze;nent. 

Diary. In ftiort. Sir, fhe was the very Lawyer that 
prated away fo fall, and talk'd you out of your bonds 
Wid parchments. 

Saville. Aftonilhing ! But what can that avail her ? 
flie gave me the full amount of their value. 

Diary. Yes, but in another difguife. As the lively 
Chevalier, Aie contriv'd to have it all won from you at 
the dice table. 

Saville. Augufta, the Chevalier! Now I fee it all- 
treacherous, deceitful woman^ Sir Charles the partner 
of her iniquity. He is to be the happy man — to Jhare 
the fortune of the plunder'd Saville. He introduc'd 
me to the Chevalier, as to an honourable friend ; ho 
Kwmmended the Lawyer ; he conAanUy held out the 



^lurenuinta of (he gaming tabic, vhile ihe» whom I 
ador'd !— Oh, hlh diffcmbler. 

Diary. Be comforted. Sir, weeping is in vain. Bet- 
ter try to forget her ; (he is not wonh yoor thinking of. 
(i^Z/niif J.) There's her bell ; I'UgO and give in my 
difcbarge. Well, the heft friends muft part, as poor 
Dapple fai^ to Sancho Pancha. Adieu, Mr. Saville ; 
I'll keep the puric for yoor fake ; adieu (weeps). I«rd 
love him, he's 3 fweet, much wtoog'd, and moll inju- 
rioos man. [Etii. 

Saville. No wonder. Sir Charles fail'd in his ap* 

pointment, with fuch a complication of guilt and baie- 

neJs ; how cou'd he face me honourably in the field } 

but the hour of retribution i* not far oa. 

Enter Mrs. Flurry. 

Mrs. Flurry. I am happy to meet yon here, Mr. 
Saville, and to take the firft opportunin of. returning 
my thanks for thofe obligations, which my hufband 
wou'd neither underftand, or permit me to acknow- 

SavUU, Mention them not. Madam ; I know of 

Airs. Flurry. You fecm difturb'd, Sir. Has any 
thing unpleafant happcn'd i I hope you are ^ot unfor- 
tunate as myfelf. 

Saville. Oh, Madam, I am unfortunate indeed. 
Augufta has undone mc. 

Mrs. Flurry, She is, I fear, an artful woman, and 
in league with that defigning man, who wou'd have un- . 
done me. 

Saville, Yes, flie has not only joln'd to deceive, 
but plotted to defraud me, ' 

Mrs. Flurry. May the companion of her guilt bo 
the author of her pupIJhment. I have good reafon to 
think, Sir Charles will foon be united to her. I over- 
heard them juft now in clofe converfation. He left 
the houfe but this inflant, and the laft thing flie dcfir'd 
of him, was to procure a licence dircfUy. 

Saville, Villain t but he Aiall not triumph long— 
Your injuries, as well as mine, Jhall be aton'd for. 

'Mri. Flurry, 



Mrs. Flurry, Moderate your tranfports, Sir, think 
not of me — -my wrongs have been fufficiently aveng'd, 
and to fpeak truly, my own indifcretions have left me» 
not entirely blamelcfs. 

SavilU. Ah ! Madam ! touch not that firing, 'tis 
torture inezpreffiMe. 

Enter Flurry* 

Fbtnj, Mr. Saville here ! — How dare you Ihcw 
^Our head, you young libertine, after your behaviour 
to-day ^ — ■■ — not content with inveigling my ward— 
. do you want to feduce my wife ? 

SaviiU. Sir, I fcom, m either inftance, an a£tioa 
fo dilhonourablc ; my exertions, in behalf of your 
Lady, will, if you give yourfelf the trouble to enquire 
into them, entitle me to your regard ; my attachment 
to your ward, Augulla, was, on my part, litu:ere } 
but to fpare you any further uneaGne», on that head, 
you will find fhe is going to beftow her hand on an- 
other more conformable to her inclinations ; and I am 
free to confefs, better adapted to promote her views in 
life— FareweU. [Etit. 

Fharry. Ha 1 lioW ! — what — give her hand to an- 
other. — ^Exertions for this, and attachment to t'other. 
Pray Madam, what does all this mean } 

Mrsi. Elarty. Yt)u have hitherto fo carefully avoid- 
ed all proper explanation, and have fo greedily liftetiM 
to every reproachful cenfure on your wife, that I am 
at length wearied of endeavouring to exculpate my- 
felf — yoter fenfelefs jealoufy dillrefles me every day 
more and more, and if you cannot grow^ more gene- 
rdui, I am determin'd to leave you, and retire into the 

Flurry, Aya, do, leave mo — I won't faint ! * I 
can take care of myfclf — I'll fend for Mrs. Tomkyns, 
and Mri. Jenkins, to bear me company. 

Mrt. Flurry. Barbarous manl when I am driven 
from the fociety of my friends ; when I have banilh'd 
myfclf forever from you, you will find, too late, what 
injuAiCe you have done my fame {weeps). You fee. 




Sir, to wlnt yoar inhumanity has reduc'd me— I leave 
you to your triumph. [£*"• 

Flurry. She weeps — Oh lud — I can't ftand it — any 
t}ung but that, it looks like innocence — ^it does — for 1 ' 
weep too— Oh lud ! lud ! 

Etittr Giump qnd'&f. Charles. 

Grump. What, . crying'*'OW". -Snivelfacc !— Wif© 
feeni*d in tears too — ^Wet fummer may hap. ^ 

Flurry^ Yes, no funftiine for me, friend Gcump-T- 
quite a cloudy profpcA — but perhaps I've wrong'dJ 

Grumpy Well — what if you have ; right her agaig 
—ftand the fieadier. 

Sir Charles. You have wrong'd her, Mr. Flurry, 
I caiDe on purpofe to vindicate her charafter, and auL 

Jour pardon for ray own intemperate warmth — I alone 
ave been to blame.— When old gentlemen marry 

young ladies — ^wc rakes you know 

Grump. Will try to join in the family compa^— 
Always told you fo, Old Liquorifli,'^ 

^iV Charles, Come, Mr. Grump, you have heard 
the ftory, and I am fure will afiiA in jullifying inno- 

Flurry, Ha ! will you friend ? — Lud I never' cou'd 
have thought to make the poor thing weep— Well, 
kt's go and fob together. 

Grump. Yes, fob away-^ tears cofl nothing — more 
fliowers lefs ftorms — get along, Tricklcbear£ 


SCENE, jtf fuperb Apartment in Flurry's Houfit 

Enter Saville, and a Servant ef Flurry's. 

SavUle, Mr. Flurry, you fay is not come home. 

Servant, No, Sir. 

Saville, Do yon know whether Sir Charles Choure 
it expend here } 

Servant. I believe he is. Sir — I underfiand he has 

been into the city on fome buflnefs for Mils Augufla 



A C6SIIDY. ' «i 

Mtliflotli,. and they are to meet here id cotifalt hef 
guardian upon It. 

Seville. Then, if yoii pleafe, I'll Wait fhci^ airivaf. 
{Exit Servant.) 'Tis as I expeaed, Sir Charles has 
procur'd the licence, and now Flurry is to be bulficd, 
Orcajol'd into confej^ ; I fhall, however, hafeone op- 
portunity, of expofiilg— if not, of chaftifing my worth- 
lefs rival — Ha !— rAogufta alone ! — I was not prepar'd 
for this — ftie fliall find my pride e<jual to her own— *F11 
^uit the room.' 

Ettier Augiifta^ 

Au^a. How ! Avoid me, Saville ?-*^Tn]ft vest 
there is no occalion ; think you I came hither to fhare 
the forrows of a ttaxx who fuffers for his ov^n impru- 


'WSavilie, Far from it, Madaim, yon came to iharci 
the wreck-^tiiat impnidcncc has fupplied. 

Au^Jla. Rather fay, by caution and foreftght, I 
Lave prevented my property, from bfcing embark'd in 
the fame precarious bottom'. 

SavilU. Ungenerous, Augufta ! think not by taunts 
to Ihelter yourielf from my juft reproaches. 

Att^Jia. How, Sir, is a woman to be reproach'd 
for keeping guard over her pa£6oQS> and not fuffering'* 
her love to lead to her undoing ! 

Saville. Talk, not of love — bad I pbfiefe'd the 
wealth of India, ani^on had continu'd the fame ten- 
der, faithful fair, mf fond heart once thought you ; 
tho' poor and friendlefs, a wanderer thro' the worl^^ 
bereft of every thing but truth and virtue, I wou'd 
have fnatch'd you to my Ihelt'ring breaA, and ihar'd 
.with you each bleffing I enjoy'd^Talk not of love, 
you know it but my name. 

Juffifla. Your millaken opinion^ Sir,' moves my 
pity, not my anger ; I will now confefs that once I 
chcrifli'd for you as puft and ardent a flame as ever 
warmM a youthful bofom. You firft engag'd my un- 
&^&ing heart— even in the dawn of life, I lov'd 
you ; and *mid the. gladfomC round of childilli joysy 
jay.Uttle tfuttering breaft preferr'd its SaviUc. 

I SavilU.- 



SavilU. Oh, Augufta, why thus diffemye AiU ? 

Augujia. Hear me, Sir. As we ulvanc'd m fttatf 
I b^wld, heaven knows whfit ^ony it gayc Qic — I .be- 
held you wedded to difiipjiticMi — to .eveiy fpecies of 
liot, intemperance and extravagance -, whjie si deter- 
' min'd and defperate attacbiincn,^ to the ganving tablr 
ei^^'d youiL whole foul, and taark'd you for 4efimc- 
Kion> , 

Saville. And then, confciQus of my weaka^, yov 
prudently united with your friends, to. pro&t. by of 

Jurufta. What elfe remain'd for me ? inftead of 
the Ottering profpeft my early fancy pi£lw*d, I faw 
attendant upon you, only xvm and diftnay. Inftead 
of a difcreet, afieftionate hufband to guide and protect 
me ; inftead of a tender companion to cheer the walk 
of life, to footh the little caret we all tnuil know, and 
ffiare the tranquil pleafurcs of a peaceful horoe^ what 
did your conduft offer to my view f a fullen .partner 
eS an unquiet dweiling~F-his temper foor'd by disap- 
pointment — his mind alienated from his family— 4iU 
ooufc a torment — his wife a burthen, and himf^ a 
viflim to defpair. 

SovllU. Add to the pi^rc a bafe defigniRg woiuaiif 
who, loft to every fenfc -of generofity and honour, 
meanly took advantage of Aat unhapi^ vi^tn's folly 
' to aggrandize her own fouune, and beftow -k oa ad- 
venturers as ^orthlefs as herfelf. 

AuguSa. Sir, yon grow fcurriloui — ^IfludlAOtAa^ 
A be am'ontcd. 

Saville. Madam, M«}am,— 70U flia]l bear tne — ^ti« 
now'my turn to upbr^d—ond I'll not lofe4>is, per- 
h^», only opportunity— J am no fttanger to your de- 
ceptions — ^You perfonated the lawyer to get me deo^ 
snid writings of my eftates into your ew«i hands. 

Jvgufia, I did. 

SavilU, You were difguis'd as the GlteTarier ? 

Aupifta. I was. - 

Saviih. Your pretended friandfliipwashirttofeBtti 
cae tP your arU — Your lean of .iaonej_ to entice me 


hito dcepot play, that you and your affoclirte. Sir 

Charles, might carry off the fpoil. 
Augttfia, You are right. 

Sfville. Shamelefs eiFrontry — and now that bal« 
aflbciate has, by your direiftion, procured a licence for 
your marriage. 
yiugujia. He has. 

Savillt. You mean theii to beflow your hand and 
fortune on that cowardly partner of your fraud and * 

^gujia. I fliall befttiw rtiy hand and fortune whertf 
I pleafe ; nor knoW I what right you have to queftioa 

Savilh., Grant me patience — ^unfeeling harden'd 
woman, on this head, ^t teaft, I have a right to quef- 
tionyou; Why did you enrich yourfelfat my ex- 
pence-? Why did you purfue me, thus in various mapes 
to abet my follies, and haften my undoing — could you 
not be bleft unlefs I was miferable ; what, what cou'4 
induce you to fweI^ y6ur cup of happinefs with the 
embitter d dregs of my misfortunes ? 

jfuFuJia. Love — that powerful paflion which you, 
fay I know not, but by name ; if I laid afide the deli- 
cacy of my fex, 'twas but to fave you from ruin-^-if I 
won .your mOney, 'twas to fecure it from the hands 
of {harpers — if I got pofleflion of your deeds — 'twas 
l>ut to keep them from the clutches of the ufurer, and 
if I hare procur'd a licence for my marriage, I have ■ 
procur'd it in my SavUIc's name, and /hall be proud 
>nd blefl tb iharc it with him. — 

Savilh. My foul ! my angf 1 — Can you forgive — ■ 

jfugufta. Oh, Saville ! — ^we have our failing too — ■ 

you mu(^, i,n your, turn, forgivcr — Sir Charles has cx- 

^lain'd the circnmftance of the rencontre in the ftreet^ 

and I bhilh ibr the injullice of my fufpicions. 

SavilU. Believe me, none but yourfelf e'er held a 
place in my affcflions.— ^h, Augufta, you have now 
an added power over me — and my heart affures me, 
that chcck'd by your fwect reproofs, and fwaj'd by 
your charming admonitions, rto temptation on earth 
^ill ever again le^ me to rilk that happinefs which 

J a. yoH 



you {o feelingly dcfcrib'd—tlie tranquil pleafnrcs of a 
peacefiil home. 

Aupifia^ Huih ! here comes my guardian — now for 
one Iw trial. 

£jtfCT- Sir Charles, Mr. and Mrs. Flurry, and Gniinp. 

Grump. Bravo ! Old Tottcration — ^Wifc too gooJ 
for Voo after all. 

Flurry. Odd, I'm the merrieft new, old rcconcil'4 
hufband alive — Dear wife, give me a kifs — ^"Slife I am 
fo hearty^— I cou'd— I Ihan't want my dalmahoy thif 

Grump. Tell a ftory— want it in half an hour. 

SavllU, Mr. Flurry, 1 am rejoic'd to fee you in fudl 
charming fpirits — May I prefume — 

Flurry. Yes, you may prefume — I have heard of your 
loQes and crolles— -and your pains, and your gains— 
Your defending my wife — and your challenging. Sir 
Charles, who tho' a fad dog — one muft allow is a very 
candid fellow. 

Auptjia. His alcrtnefs to procure the licence in your 
name proves that — Do -so^x know but for me he would 
have met you in the field ? 

^;V Charlts. I hope the good part of my charader in 
this drama will apologize for it's defers, aud that my 
ft-iend Saville will not think of cutting my throat till 
be is tir'd of the noofe I have been labouring to provide 
for him. 

Savi/U, Give me your hand, Sir Qiarles — Should 
that ever be the cafe, my ingratitude to this paragon of 
her fex, wou'd make it more than proper you mou'd 
cut mine. 

Grump. Heh ! Brother — that is. Sifter Alexander — : 
Baronet has told us all — give joy -7- profligate — fee 
vou've got the lady — more than you defervc— friend 
Flurry confents now, to oblige me — don't you Old 

Flurry. Aye, — there — there — may you be as happy ; 
jhat is nearly as happy as myfelf, ami Mrs. Flurry. 



Grump, Well faidWafle Away, love your rtife, and 
don't fear growiag thin. 

Afrs. Flurry, I Cncerciy congratulate you both, and 
hope my example may prove a caution to my fcx, and 
leach young married women, that with the pureft in- 
tentions they may, by indulging idle vanity, expofe 
themlclves to every misfortune, and encounter every 

Sir Charles. And now as matters arc fettled — may I 
my dear coufin, throw in a little hint about inftindt. 

Auptjla, I underftand you, i\.t. — ^There is the pro- 
mis'd pocket-book — May it's contents make you com- 
fortable, and paft errors teach you to be wifer. 

S«- Charles. Ten thoufand thanks, my dear, madam, 
for your counfel, and it's accompanyments, when richy 
we are always wife ; 'tis poverty only makes us yield to 

fiur weaknelTes. — Let me fee — lOo- — 20Q 

Litigamus Enters with a Brief. 

Liti. Joy ! Joy ! my Client— Defendant there feems 

fo have money enough now to pay damages — ^No com- 

promife I befeech you — here's a Jiricf fufficient to 

blacken the whole kx. 

Grump. Too late for fuch kindnefs— a day after the 
•fair. Eh, Mailer Blackball — No more Sophas— done 
with peep bo — Cot up brief for patty pang. 
Liti, Eh ! what ! no divorce — no aflion ? 
Sir Charles, No, Mr. Hoodwink — not one doflor of 
.civil law tafpeak upon the cafe, and what is worfc, 
pone of my notes in your pocket. 

iJti, Blefs me— a very bad cafe indeed — 
Flurry. To tell you the truth Liti— You difcovcr'd 
fo little, and I have found out fo much, that I don't 
wilh to be expofed any further. 

Lit}. Perfeflly right my client — As well pay for 
fUence as loquacity — Put up my brief, and make pro- 
per charges — As there is no divorce — I am right happy 
to hear the next beft thing — a marriage is going to 
take place — You arul this lady I prefume, fir, — ^lever 
(aw a finer couple — make no doubt but flie's the moft 
'^iabje of her fcx at prefent-^but Ihou'd any little ac- 



cident ke^pen-^-BUj faux nas — Liti'i ^s roan, tack or 
icparate — Paper or parchment, makes so odds — Lm's 
tiw mm for any thing. 

Attnft*. That we iat plain cnougl^— And whenever 
tbcK a dccaAon yoa ihall have the carlieft mteUigmce 
— Meanwhile, at I have already woni the g«WD, per- 
vnit me to addrcfs thb coHCt. 

Do not with hafty jadgmeat ftenty chide, 
\ax yeur ^aod-aUBre vDor dilccrDnent gaidc ; 
Shoo'd dtni -nmi kindnde fanftinn our cadear< 
Who iHall ifi^nUe, '7u ^«Mr /«< tbam mvir. 





apdtm hf' Mri. yORD^. 

THE Drama done, and all it's Im'reft over. 
Contest the Huftand, and fecuie the I/>ve,r; 
Our tinid Bard, who dreads the Critic ire^ 
And thinks my little Tongue can never tire, 
Wou'd have me re-alTlime the Wig and GowUf 
To plead his Gtwre^uill Caufe before the Towi^ 
Lord, Sir, £iys l^ fome better Council bring j 
for PenuJec ja a Wig are not the Thing. 
Vourtjcarded Barrifer, if fmjjtlj' made, if 
A furer Advocate among the Ladies. 
Madam, h« cried, or perriwig'd, or buc. 
So 70U but talk, ] never necadefpair. 

Suppofe ye Fsur, u I'm iojweih a Pnrte^ 
I take a Liae more confooant to Nitf urc : 
Give up the ynn Att^npt your hearts to varrai 
And 'gaWt the Men, with Feoaaje Weiqwii Arm* 
T Oft have the Witi, nnmindM whom 'they vex, 
Ex^dthe Foibles of the fb&erSix. 
Laugh'd at 4heir Dr^ their w»U-dap*d Cork, tbuT' 

Theit' fteady JHoem, unchangu^ in ^ Weathen ; 
Swore LoqIu were Grey, that feemM a comely fiiiiun. 
And, though all paid for, deem'd them not their oyn. 

Why not ntttwt \ Avenge the infulted Fair, 
And Ihewr thcfe Men, what wond'roas thineK they arc 
Now don't be &i^en'd~poor eccentric Elves, 
I oi^y Ihew what aio&. you Ukfr— -youiiclves. 

How ! trembie at a Woman ! Sliame betide— 
Tho' I lodk fierce, like you — I'm all out£dc : 
Vet, e'er my efforts jour attention call. 
To that dear Portrait, which (hould hit you all, 
Let me delineate what was once a Beau, 
. The Band-box Billy, of fome years ago. 



£filogue. . 

Sireet Image of Mamma, in eT*ry Feature> 
Tbe Youth came fortfa, a moft delicious creature^ 
With- full drels'd Skins, not ijuite unlike a. Hoop, 
Hat under Arm, fine Button, and gilt Lo(x^— 
Stiff Stock, long SwcMd, flill dangling in tiie way* 
He fometimei ventur'd to a firft-night Play ; 
Tripp'd through the Lobby, moft completelv curl'd 3 
Nor did a paw-paw Thing for all the World. 
Thus he diicours'd, " Sir Diiberry, od's^fo. 
Dear, dear, good-lack ! have you a Place below ? 
Dem it, don't crowd fo, fellow — Oh ! how fhocking ! 
He's fpoil'd tnj Hair, and dirtied all my Stocking." 
Such was the Smart our Grandmama's would praife, ' 
Rather uulike the Smart of prefent days. 
For I de^ all Hiftory to {hew. 
One thing in 'Nature, like a Modem Beau ; 
Hat flouch'd, fliort Stick, Knee Trappings, that bring hacl^ 
The Memory of renown'd Sixteen String Jack ; 
Eternal Boots, and Collar, you'd fuppofe. 
Cut, in kind conta^ with his Buckdiip's Nofe. 
Thus trimly deck'd, each night among the Doxies, 
He ftorms the-Lobby, and aflails the Boxes ; 
With Gait and Manner— .fomething in this way. 
Proves his rare Tafte, aod defcants on the Vi»j— 
" Here, Box-keeper! why don't the Ralcalcome? 
Halloa— Tom Gerkin! can you give us room ? 
What this ?— The Fareo— MadMh—an Opera f—Obt 
Came out laft Seafon^-^hipid fluff— damn'd low : 
Zounds let's be off; — Z-— — dsbea littlecahner; 
Who's that, the Jardam ?— No, you Foo^-R. Palmer.' 

Thus fome are found, by every Aft revealing, 
Perfeft Ihdifferencc to Senfe and Feeling. 
To fuch our Play not fues ; — but you, ye Fair, 
Ye wife, whom Nature fbnn'd with happier care, 
Whofe tender Bofoms, tho' by Paffions rent. 
Feel the foft Virtues in their full extent. 
Chcrijh our Author's Plan, which aims to wove, 
I.ife's beft exertions Spring from Virtuous Love.- 


tiQV<^ TO GROW-KlfiH: 



C O M £ D Yi. 


:rBEAi''R£- RorjL,- cogent. gartseni 


L n a O U : 

PRIKTEB For t. n. Longman, paterkosteb-ro' 





Mr. Lemt. 

Smalltrade - r 

Mr. ^»vk 
Mr. Muntim. 

Sir Thomas Roundhead 

Latitat t 

Mr. Fftwcett. 

Hippy . T 

Mr. Stanthari. 


Mr. Pope. 

Sir Charles Dazzle 

Mr. Farren. 

Plainly , 

Mr. Ptmill. 

Nab ' T 

A6-. CuUl. 


Mr. nmpfM. 

Servant * , - 

Mr. Reu, 

Sir Charles's Servant 

M. Udgir. 

Sir Thomas's Servant 

Mr. Simmotis^ 

Smalltrade's Servant 

M-. Blurlm. 

lAdj Henrietta 

Mrs. Popi. 


Mrs. Eftn. 

Mifs Pazzle 

Mifs Cbafrnan., 


Mtfs Stuart, 

$CENE'~^ Sea-Port Town in Enoland, 



{fTritimtj R. T. Fitzqebalb, £/y.) 

XT7HILE jarring difcord fl!e$thia happy land, 

~ ' And Whig and Toiy (hake each other's hand, 
Prond to difplay the Sag of Briton's pride. 
And hoift The Unioi) on their countiy's fide; 
lliat noble banner of our nation'i &me 
Unflain'd by crnclty, unknown to Ihame I 
Still may it nde trinmpbant o'er the ware 
The fignal both to (»nqner and to fare ! 
While England's font in gallant bands advance. 
To hurl jaft vengeance on perfidious Fiance ; 
And adverfe parties zealoufly unite. 
For freedom's caufe, and freedom's King to fight i 
Our Author. loyal, though not bred to arms. 
Has for his own concerns, Tome flight alaTm»— 
He fbf kfs his head, and owns he fometimes fears 
The mafe of fmiles may join the mufe of tears i 
Together read the fweet pathetic page. 
And banilh joke and laughter fron the ftage j 
'Till comedy, <p\te fentimental grown 
Dofis her light robe, to wear the tragic gown. 
Draws from the virgin's breafthyftcric fighs. 
And thinks to weep — is all the ufc of eyes! 
Still may each rival mufe her pow'r maintain,-^- 
With fmiles Thalia beft fupports her reign : 
To ftart the tear and palpitate the heart 
Juftly demands her S-fitr's mbler art ! 
Each has her charms, and while to nature tnie. 
Each finds impartial advocates in you, 
Jf thefc fair rivals, jealoafy forgot, 
Should once embrace, and tic the friendly knot ; 


Mirth maR. jctife aod hide bci diinpled-faee 
ConvuU'd with laughter, at the Urange embrace ; 
C^r Bard difcarded, tautt his jokea forego. 
And Vapid's frolics, yield to Wcrter's woe ! 
The Author's profpeAs bear a brighter hoc. 
Should his light fcenes be noi* approv'd by yon j 
'Twas Job who taught his cailteft hopes to foar 
Be Hill his patrons, as you've been before ! 
Acquitted often by this gen'rous court 
He dares, once more, rely on your fupportj 





ACT 1. 

SCENE I. — An Aparment in Smalltradi's 
Banking Houfe — Doors open in the Halh and 
Clerks Jem writing. * 


Enter ■Warford tatd Plainly. 
Plainly. ' ■ 

i AY, do Dot think me curious or imperti- 
nent, Mr. Warford — I have lived fo long with 
you and your uncle, that I cannot fee you un- 
happy without enquiring the caufe. 

fVarford. My uncle is himfelf the caufc— his 
weaknefs and credulity will undi? us all. 

Plainly. Escufe me, 0r ; but I'm afraid the 
young lady now on a viflt at our banking houfe — 
the charming Lady Henrietta !— has ihe hot 
made a very deep imprcflion ? 

B fTarford.. 



Pf^arford, To caoii^ the tmdi, fhe hat ; an4 
though from my ioferior Giuacion in lifci I can 
never afpire to the gaining t^ her afTe^ions, 
Ihe may (till have to thank me for faving her 
from ruin. 

PlMnfy: From ruin, fir ! 
Pf^arfori. Ay j Ihc is now on the very brink 
of it — When her father. Lord Orville, went 
abroad for his health, he gave her a fortune of 
eight thoufand pounds, and left her to the care 
ofher .uncle. Sir Thomas Roundhead— At hia 
country feat, Mr. Smalltrade met with her, and 
being banker to her father, he thought it his 
duty to invite her to his houfe. 

Plainly. And Ihe had no fooner enter'd it, than 
Ihe became acquainted with Sir Charles and 
Mifs Dazzle — I fufpeft their infamous defigns. 

JVarford. Yes, Plainly j — when Mifs Dazzle 
has robb'd her of her fortune at the gamrng 
table. Sir Charles is to attempt to deprive her 
Of her honor — ^buc if 1 don't fhame and expofe 
them ! Oh ! think of the heartfelt fatisfa3:ion 
in faving fuph a woman as Lady Henrietta ! 
'Tis true, mod of her fortune is already loft^ 
and Sir Thomas is fo offended at her conduA, 
that (wanting an heir to his eftate) he has 
adopted his god-daughter, Rofa. 

Plainly, 'Sdeath I I wifh Sir Charles and his 
filler were driven back to London — They are a 
dirgrace to this, our fafhionable fearbathing 

Warfoid. What moft I fear, is left my uncle 

Ihou'd join their confederacy — I know it is their 

pfan to lure him into partnerfhip, and he is £> 

anxious to encreafc his fortune,, that uader the 

• ' iilca. 


' A C O M E D Y. 3 

idea of growing ridij he may be deluded into 
any fcheme. 

[Smalltrade spears at the doors, reading € 
Here he U — ^Be fecret and difcreec. Plainly, and 
perhaps the next time we convcrfe, I may be 

{iroud to cell youi I have faved an innocent 
ady from treachery and ruin ! {Exit, 

SmalUrade. {comng ferxord.) ".Smalltrade 
" debtor to Sir Harry Hockley two thoufand 
" pouiuls in fpecie — Creditor two hundred in 
« paper." — Ah ! that's very well ! I don't 
know how it js— My little nice bank is not the 
thing it was— Peo{^e of real property have be- 
come country bankers now, and pUy'd the 
devil with us- petty, dalhing traders. {Aivpcit/;^ 
»t doer.) Plainly, fee who's there. 

plainly. Give mc leav^Iir, (Taking letter, &?tf.) 
SmalUrade. There's nothing like a ihug coun- 
try bank — rieady money rcceived-p-paper notes 
paid-— and though I make fifteen per cent, and 
pay their drafts in my own bills, what -of chat ? 
A five guinea note is fo convenient for carriage 
or pofting — lays fo clofe in a letter, or Oips fo 
neatly in the fleeve of a coat' — Oh ! its of great 
ule to the country, and a vaft benefit to rpy- 

Re-enter Plainly, follow'd ly a Servant, 
Serv. Is this your country bank, as you call 

Plainly. It is. 

Serv. I want change for this draft of Sir 
Hariy Hockley's. 

B a Plainly. 



Plai^yi Very well — Hpwmuch » it for I 

Serv. A hundred pounds. 

SmalUrade. What? . , 

Serv. A hundred pounds. 

Smalltrade. Mercy on me ! You've (et mc all 
in a tremble ! " Draw obC a country bank for a 
hundred pounds — -Why, does yobr matter fup- 
pofc himfelf drawing ott the bank of Amfter- 
darri ? 

Plainly. True, fir j and if you recolleAj we 
had a large run upon m yefterday. 

SmdlWade, So we had^^ very Urge riin! 
Sir Thomas-Roundhead drew 'in one draftifor 
^e enormous fum of t*wenty-five fjounds ; and 
here's your mifter draws ■ for a hundred— 'Talk 
ef a- country ^jaiik ! The bank of England 
cou'dn't'jftahd this. 

Serv. I can't-teli, fir- — Sir-Harry faid he had 
ten times riie' money in>youil hands. 
-' Snmlllrade. So he has, - and what then ? 
Doesn't he pBice money in rtiy hands that it may 
befafe? and" if he is to draw it out in largo 
Aims, thacis, if he is to get it when he want* 
it, whcf e wou'd be the ufe of a banker ? Platnlyi 
pay the draft in my own' notes ; and d'ye mind. 
Jet them be all at thirty and forty days fightr— i 
Young man, go with my clerk. 

^^Exettnt PtAiiffLY and Servant, 
'Tis near the time my accomplifhed coufin, Mifj 
Dazzle, is to w,ajt upon me — She writes me 
word Ihe has to communicate a new mode of 

f;r9wing rich— Dear I how 1 long to hear it ? 
t's my way always to catch at every thing- 
Here Ihe is. 




Enter Mifi Daxzle. ', 

A^ Dazzle. Good morning, Mr. Smalkrade 
—I'm forry we hadn't ilie pksfure of feeing you 
at our gala \a& night. 

; SmaUtfade. Pr»y b? footed, coufin, (They Jit.) 
A^ ^ I'm told it was the moft grand, expenfivp 

■ASfiiJ3s;tzU. Expenfive ! youf pardon, fir- 
It didn'tcoft roe wd my broUjcr i {hilling. 

SmaUiradf. No.! ^ 

Mift ^azzie. .No — and what will furpriz? you 
more, ic is our fumpruous houfe, our brilliant 
r^onift andfixtrayaganpentertainiijents that pay 
uUour expcnccsr— In fliort, Mr. Smalltrad^ 
we've found out a new mode of growiijg rich. 

Sm^lltrqde. Have you ? . (rubbing his hands) 
Thac!s what I want to hear about. 

Mijs Dazzle. And that's what I came to im» 
part to you — ^In a wor.d, fir, we keep a bank. 

Smalltr^di. Do you ? Well, that's one way. 

Miff Dazzle. Yts, fuch a bank ! fo oppofice 
{o yogrs ! We know nothing of notes, checks, 
clerks, , or currency — Wc don't rife early in the 
morning to fettle our accounts, or Ihut up be- 
fore evening to prevent our cuftomers trom fet- 
tling theirs — No all our bufinefs is done in the 
dark, my dear coufin. 

Sntalltrade. In the dark! fo is mine too, my 
dear coufin. 

Mift Dazzle. Then, while you are fatisfied 
Vith a hundred pounds profit in a week, we are 
pot cooteut with a thoufand in a night, and if 
ever we ftop payment, which fortune avert } we 
have nothing to furrender but mahogany tables, 
wwJights, card;, ^d dice-boses. 




Smalltrade. {rijitig) I tinderfland — ^you keep 
a Faro-tablc — Oh! take me! — Take me as 
Groom-porter and I'll make my fortune^ if its 
only by picking up the droppings. 

Mijs Dazzle. There's the point — if you wouM 
but content to become a partner with mjrfelf 
End my brother, our proBcs wou'd be trebled. 

Smalitrade. Wou'd they ? That's nice ! 

Mi/i Dazzle. The cafe is this — OccafionaUy, 
though it fekiom happens, we waac ready mo- 
ney to carry on the campaign. 

Smalitrade. Ready money! Ah! there's the 
devil — I've nothing but paper. 

Mifs Dazzle. Nonfenfe! Your notes can be 
changed into ca(h, and Sir Charles and I wiU 
pay the difcount. 

Smalitrade. What! pay the difcount out of 
your own pockets, and give roe a third of the 
profits befides ? 

MifsDazzU. Certainly. 

Smalitrade. Then I'll be a partner, and — ^Yet, 
hold, hold— I'd better not determine too haf- 
tily l^de.) Mifs Dazzle, here's my vifitor. Lady 
Henrieta, fo, as we're diftiirb'd you fee, I'll wait 
on you in an hour and talk further. 

Mifs Dazzle. By that time Sir Charles wilt 
arrive from London — Good day. 

Smalitrade. Adieu! Zounds! I always had a 
turn for gaiety, and t don't think I need fear 
being impofed upon ; for I've io long managed 
a trading bank, that I mutt underftand a gam- 
bling one ! — I fay, coufin, not a word to her 
about the new mode of growing rich — Good 
day ! [Exit. 

Mifs Dazzle. So, tlie old gentleman is caught 

in the fnare j and aided by his bank^ what will 



A C O.M E D Y. 7 

not ours atchieve ? Lady Henrietta, who has 
refufcd my brother's hand and title, will now be 
his on other tcrms> and Warford, who is our 
enemy> will be involved in his uncle's ruin. 

Enter 'Wartor.d afiii hADV Henrietta. 

Lady Henrietta. Why fp grave, Mr. Warford ? 
You really can be very pleafant if you pleaft ; 
but thofc gloomy looks ! . I declare you arc quite 
an alter'd man ; isn't he, Mifs Dazzle ? 

Mifs Dazxie, Every thijig changes. Lady 

Lady Henrietta. Why, that's very true ; — now 
to look at the alterations in this town fince laft 
fummcr — Friends have become enemies, and 
enemies, friends — You ihall hear. — The other 
Jiight, I went to Lady Changewell's, where I 
ulcd to meet all my old acquaintance — To my 
aftonifliment, I didn't fee a foul I knew, 
" Mifs Dazzle. Really ! 

Lady Henrietta, No — an entire new fet of 
faces-~So, I alked her ladyihip after her friend, 
the little Colonel — She faid, " they didn't fpeak 
" now." *' Where is your companion and fa- 
" voritc. Lady Brilliant" — faid 1. — "Oh! the 
** creature is in debt, faid flie, and wants me to 
•' lend her money." — " And where is your dear, 
"darling, loving huft»and," faidL — "My dear, 
** darling, loving huiband lives with an Italian 
" Counicis," fays (he — " We're divorced, and I 
" am to be married to-morrow, to my old bitter 
" enemy. Sir Francis Fickle — I now think him a 
'* moit delightful, charming fellow, and believe 
" he's the only real friend I ev«r had, ha ! ha, 

Mift Dazzle. Excellent! 

I Ladjif 



Laify Henrietta. Yes — tcs feWom a friettdihip 
Ufts above a yeai" — Is it, Mr. Warford i ■ 

IVarfitrd. I hope there are inftartces. Madam. 
Jjady Henrittt*. So dd I, Sir — but I am afraid 
they are fo rare — Hcigho ! if t don'c mind, I 
Ihall catch your fpleen> and be as grave and 
fentimental as yourfelf. 
. Watfnrd. Aiid Why not* madam ? Why be 
aftiam'd of fentiment ? 'Tis true it is the mode 
to ridicule and laugh ^t itj but I doubt if fafliion 
and all its fc^peries, can find a pleafurc to fup- 
ply its lofs. 

Lady Henriitta. Vaftly well ! Didn't I tell you, 
Mifs Dazzle, he could be very pleafant? You 
really have tidents, Mr. Warford } burthe worft 
of rfiem is/ they go more to inftruftion thaa 

H^arfbrd. Then I am fatisfied, Lady Hen- 
rietta, and if I could convince you that happi- 
nefs is not to be found, either in the fever of 
difflpatibn, or the dclufions of a gaming table. 

Lady Henrietta, Fie! don't abufe gaming,— 
the thing I doat on — 

Warford. Eicufe rtie, madam ; — but if I migh^ 
advife, you had better never play again. 

Ladj Henrietta. Oh 1 monftreus ! Why, you 
tyrant, would you fhuc die frof¥) the world and 
cloifter tat m an oM caftl« > If you did, I'd ftilt 
ganw*-I would, if I betted On Uie ivy, and took 
odds on the ravens- and rooks— Wou'dn'e you, 
Mifs Dazzle? 

' Mijt DdXzle. Me ! Td keep a tookery on put- 

Ledy Henrietta. Ay, that you would — but 
come — I'm going to meet my uncle. Sir Tho- 
mas, at the library — would you bfllieve it ? He, 



too, is fo offended at my turning gamefter, that 
he has forbid me his houfe, and adopted his little 
God-daughter for his heirefs ; — but— let's walk. 

Mijs Dazzle, With plcafurc— we Ihall fee you 
at Faro in the evening. 

had^ Henrietta. Oh certainly — Nay, how you 
frown now, Mr. Warford f Come, I'll make a 
bargain with you — if 1 iofe a thoufand pounds 
to-night, I'll promife never to game again-^ 
never ! becaufe, having nothing left to Iofe, I 
muft e'en make a virtue of neceffity, and refornn 
in ipite of myfelf — Come. \Extmt* 

■ SCENE II. — Outfide of Sir Charles Dazzle's 
hcufe.~~View of the Sea. 

Enter Sir Charles, (followed by a Servant with 
a Portmanteau.) 

Sir Charles. So, once more I'm efcaped from 
the fever of London and got fafe back to my 
favorite fea-port — Take the things in. 

[Exit Servant into btufe. 
I fuppofc my fitter has ib plucked the pigeons 
in my abfcnce, that there's fcarcely a feather 
left in the town. 

Enter Mifs Dazzle. 
I\Sfs Dazzle, Welcome from London, brother 
—1 have juft left the idol of your heart, the 
charming Henrietta !— As ufual, the banker's 
nephew was attending her. 

Sir Charles. Ay, ayj its all pretty plain — but 
I won't be fcandalous, 

C Mfi 



. Mtfs Dazzle. Well, if Ihc's his to-day, ftie'U 
be yours to-morrow — .1 have feen Mr. Sinall- 
trade^he talks of becoming a partner, and if 
you play your cards well. Lady Henrietta will 
be completely in yoor power. 

Sir Charles. Yes ; for when I've won all her 
money — I can be generous enough to .be- 
come her protestor ! [afide.'] Well, Cfter, we 
fhall ruin them all j and now-a-days you 
know you can't do your friend a greater fcr- 

Mifs Dazzle. What ! than to ruin him 1 

Sir Charles. To be fure — Where is thc-fuinld 
man that doesn't fpend twice the income of the 
richcft cicizen in London ? Don't many of them 
have executions in their houfe in the morning, 
and give galas at night? An't the very baili^ 
turned into fervanrs, and don't they ftill ftakc 
five thoufand on a card ? Nay, I know, a man 
that has done it all his life. 

Mifs Dazzle. Do you ? Who ? 

SirCbarks. Myfelf!— I never had a (hilling 
and I,'ve always lived like a Nabob — And how 
have I done all this ? How, but by hofpirality ! 
By entertaining my friends elegantly at one 
table, and genteelly picking their pockets at 

Mifs Dazzle. Very true ; and when wc'v* 
ruined the banker, his nephew and his vifitor, 
they'll think themfelves much obliged to us — 
But mind and humour Smalltrade, for, without 
ready nioncy, we can't go on— ^Who's here ? 

Sir Charles, (looking cut.) Where? — Oh! its a 
a hanger-on of mine — a mere Jackall, who dan- 
gles after me in hopes of preferment — I brought 

rihyGoogle _ 

A C O M E D Y. II 

him from London, thinking he might be ufe- 

ASfs Dazzle. What, is it Pave ? 
, Sir Charles. The fame — The dog haa a good 
heart J— great good humour, and is defcended 
from a rdipeAable family i but in running after 
people of rank, and high company, he has fo 
reduced his fortune, that he now depends on me 
to get him promoted. 

Mifs DaxzU.' Ay i I've heard of him — intro- 
duce him. to a lord, or promif? him an appoint- 
ment, and he'll do any thing to fcrvc you. 

Sir Charles. Aye; fo great is his furor, that 
an interview with a Prince, or an audience of a 
Minifter, wou'd turn his brain — but I believe, 
were he once provided for, he wou'd neither 
betray his benefaftor, nor difgrace his Coun- 

Enter Pav5, (a-lmg roll of Paper JiUking But of 
bis Pocket.) 

Pavi, {running «p to Sir Charles.) Sir Charles ! 
—hark ye. {fVhiJpers.) 

Sir Charles. Lord Orviile coming home ! What 
then ? 

Patji. Then, Lord Orviile is vour acquaint- 
ance, and I am your friend, and— you under- 
ftand — I'm always ready. 

Sir Charles. Pray, fitter, have you any inter- 
eft ? If you have, this gentleman, Mr. Pave — 

Mifs Daxzle. I Ihou'd be very happy ; but I 
fancy there is nothing more difficult than to get 
a place. 

Pavi. Yes there is, Ma'am, — to defcrvc it I 

And that I dcferre it, is evident from my long 

C 2 lift 



Jift of promifcs — (lakes out roll of fapr) here it. 
is Ma*am — My four firft promifcs depend on 
Lord Orvilte, you fee-rmy next is from youj 

Mijs Dazzk. Pray, Mr. Pavd, do you find 
that .when thefe great people n:iakc you protnifts,- 
they always keep their words? 

Pavi. Oh ! Sir Charles will anfwer you that 
queftion. Ma'am — HehI-.-Mij[n ! Baronet! 

Sir Charles. Nay, Pave, you know the other 
day I referr'd you to a man in power. 

Pavi. You did ; — and he referr'd me to an- 
other, who kindly fent me to a third, that po- 
litely hurried me to a fourth, till at laft I got 
kicked down ftairs by a perfbn who faid he 
knew none of us — You fee the fcheme is this, 
Ma'am^ — Nobody wili Ipeak firft in your favor, 
but all promife to fecond any body who will, 
becaufe, judging by thcmfelves, they know no- 
body'll fpeak at all. 

■ Mi/i Dazzk Well, if I -was you. Mi". Pave, 
I'd try fome more public mode of getting pre- 
ffrr'd-r-l^or inft^ncc now, fuppofe you adver- 

Pavh Don't mention it — I did advertize 
once, ^nd what do you think happened i A 
gentleman waited upon me. Calling himfelf Lord 
SuliVin — fuperb equipage — elegant appearance, 
■5— free in his promilcs — fecurc in his intereft— ^ 
'I bowed, fmiled,-!— gave his lordlhip a thoufand 
guineas, and he proved to be an attorney ! A 
money lending rafcal 1 And I've never feen or 
heard of him unce t 

$ir Qbarles. An attorney! H4, K^, hal Should 
ypu know him ag^n \ 



Pave. Know him ! I Ihall never forget him, 
becaul'e he did the thing fo genteeUyas he ez- 
prcflVd it — Oh'l if I catch him ! 

Mntsr Smalltrade. 
, SmalUratie. Howd.Ye do. Sir Charles? Coulia' 
a word' — (flaking Mijs Daxzle afide.') Well, IVb 
made up ray mind — I'll enter into your fcheme 
— I'na determined to grow rich. 
- jWj^j Dazzle. Ay, I thought you'd fee joor 
intercft, Mr. Smalltrade. 

Smalltrade. I do — I fee we Ihall make fools of 
thernall — At night I'll come and bea logker- 
on i, and now, if yoi^'ll ftep into the houfe, we'll 
arrange articles ofpartnermip. • ■ ■ 

Mffs Dazzic. With all aiy heart — Come, fir, 

Smallirade. A third of the profits remember i 
3nd hark ye, as your vifitors arc fo falhionabte, 
I foppofe 1 muft make an appearance — look like 
a gentleman ! I can do it, I aflure you — but 
then, how to underftand the technicals? to talk 
like the reft of you ? Oh ! evil communication 
will corrupt my good manners — So, come 

MiJiDax-zU. Brother, will you follow? Mr. 
Pave, we Ihall fee joy in the evening. 

\Exit into bdu/e "with Smalltrade. 

Pav}. (Stepping Sir Charles, who is following) 
Gad I this muft be fome great man — Baronet, 
who is that little fellow. 

Sir Charles. A man of very great power — If 
you'll remind me, I'll introduce you at night. 

Pavi. Introduce me! Oh! don't trouble 
yourfelf — I can do that myfclf. 

SirCharlfi. 1 believe it— Mind you are ufeful 



now-r-recollcA I brought 700 down to affift in 
all our fchcmes — Speak highly of your patron. 
Pavi. Ay, and of myfcif too. Sir Charles; 
, For in this unthinking age, fay you're a clever 
fellow, and every body believes it — ^They re- 
member they heard you prais'd, and forget 
where— I know my duty— Succefs to you, my 
ever dear, ki^d patron ! ^ExitSfr Chaklzs^ 
Dirty, fhuffling rafcal ! I've been his dangled 
thcfe five years, and never got any thing out 
pfomifcs— -Oh ! if Lord Orville, or even that 
great little, man would b(;friend me ! — I'll get a 
new patron, — I will ! Sir Chartes's contemptible 
tricks are beneath a man of my confcquencc— 
I'll about it inftantly ; and though ncceffity may 
make me dependent, it fflall never make me 
mean ; for if I can't be promoted, fo as to be of 
fervice to my country, nang me if I'll be pra- 
moted at all. C^**'- 

£hd or Act I. 




SCENE l.*-jfH elegant Salem at SirCnAtiZts'^-' 
One door leading to Faro-Raom — the ether ft 

Flourift) of Clarinets. 

Enter Waktokd iwrf Servant. 

^arford. Tell Mr.Smalltrade Idefiretofpeafc 
with him. 

Sirvant. Mr. Smalttrade is engaged, Gr— 
Looking on at the gaming table. 

Warford. Telt him his ne|^ew is come accord- 
ing to his orders. 

[£iwV Servant in Faro-Ri>m, 
•Sdeath ! 'trs as I fufpefted — he has fent for me 
to bring articles of partnerlhip between hJmftlf 
and thefe impoftors — What is to be done ? He 
is convinced he Oiall make his fortune by the 
undertaking! and fo great is his credulity, chat 
'till he is completely ruined, he will not deteft 
the impofition — Can I believe it ? Yonder ha 
comes. {Stands a/ide ) 

Flourijb of CUrhuts. 

Snter from Faro-R^oitit SMAti.TtL AOB/kll-iirefi^d, 
handing in Mi/s Dazzle. 

Mfi Dazzle. Well, Mr. Smalltrad«^ how do 
70U like Taro ? Don't you fee it's the way. to gee 
money ? 




SmaUtraJe. I do — I fee my fortune's made. 
{Turns about.) Heh ! What do you think ? 
Sha'n'c I do ? Don't I look like one of us f 
(Struts about.) 
Mifs Dazzle. You do indeed. 
Smalltrade. I've learnt all yout- cant words 
too — I'm not a greenhorn or a flat— I'm an old 
rook and a black legs ! — ^Juft like you and your 

Mijs Dazzle. Well, but Mr. Smalltrade I — the 

mufic — gaming — the company Altogether, 

isn't it a moft enchanting amufement ? 

Smalltrade, It is indeed — and Faro's a mon- 
, flrous pretty game. ' Coufin, do you kno^ I'd 
a great mind to have had a touch myfelf. 
Mifs Dazzle. Ho* ! you p^y, fir I 
Smalltrade. I don't know how it was— I felt 
an odd> ticklith fenfation — a fort of itching at 
the end of my fingers, and prefently I caught 
myfelf putting a guinea on a card. 

Mi/s Dazzle. Well, but - you took it up 
• again. 

Smalltrade. No, 1 didn't — I let it lay, and 
ibmebody elfc took it up for me. 
Mifs Dazzle. What, you lofl: it ? 
Smalltrade. I did — I loft my guinea! Oh! 
. it's a fweet game ! I dont't wonder at the money 
railing in — But where's the fupper ? 
Mifs Dazzle. Yonder. 

Smalltrade. So it is— What a feaft for the 
fenfcs ! Eyes, ears, tafte, "feeling, all gratified ! 
■ i— But hold, hold — By the law of the land don't 
we come under the vagrant aft ? Mayn't a 
juftice of the peace fend you, I, and all the 
noble Soft of Faro to be whipt at thd cart's 
Wil ? 


A C O M E D Y. fj 

Ji^/s Dazzle. Yon forget — Go!d makes juftice 

SmaUtrade. True — that's another way of grow- 
ing rich-^But there's Warford ? I wi(h Warford 
would bring the articles. 

Mifs Dazzle. There he is, fir— I'll leave you 

to talk to him — for in the next room, they can 

do no more without me, than I can without 

fhcrri. Adieu ! Call mc when you want me. 


WarforO advances. 

SmaUtrade. Well, fir, what do you ftare at ? 
Does the fplendor of my drefs furprize you, or 
arc you angry becaufe I want to grow rich ? 
Where are the articles, fir ? 

IVarford. They are not yet finiflied, fir. 

SmaUtrade. Look, ye, fir j you chink this bank 
isn't fo good as mine J but I'd have you know 
they have ten rimes our cufiromcrs. People will 
game, fir. 

fp^ar/ord. Will they, fir ? 

SmaUtrade. Yes ; there's a curft, tlcklifh fen- 
fation makes a man gamewhetherhewill ornotj 
then, when I give turtle and venifon athome, 
Fm obliged to pay for it myfelf j but here egad ! 
they make other people pay for it : and.? couple 
of lemons fqueez'd into a quart of water, will 
fetch twenty guineas a tumblerl-^Buc, George, 
now, isn't this a mod delicious fcene i" Th« 
fupper! Look at the fupper, you dog ! Doesn't 
the very fmell make you happy ? 

H^arford. Sir, I am forry to fee you fo im- 
pofed upon. 

SmaUtrade. Impofcd upon ! 

ffarford. Yes, fir — If you have any feeling 

for yourfelf, regard for me, or aftirftion for 

D Lady 



Lady Henrietta, who is plac'd under your pro- 
teflion, you will refure to countenance fucf* 
infamous defigns — They will draw you into 
the partnerlhip, rob you of your foitune, and 
laugh at you for your folly. 

Smalllrade. Indeed ! 

Warfcrd. Yes, fir; and without your aflift- 
ance they muft fall to the ground; for though 
they make large fums every night — they con- 
trive to fpend 'em every day, 

Smelltrade. Oh ! then they do make Jarge- 
fumsj do they ? 

Warford. Certainly— But how is it done ? By 
perverting the laws of hofpitality — by annihi- 
lating the bonds of fociety, and under the fpe- 
cious maflc of rank and character, perpetrating 
crimes that common fharpers are excluded 

Smalltrade. What's that to you or mc ? If the 
money's made, it's quite enough to fatisfy my 
confcience ! So, go, fir — finifti the articles of 
partnerlhip, and bring them inftantly. 

Warford. Oh, fir ! confider — Even now per- 
haps Lady Henrietia is falling a viftim to their 
artifices, and if you join the confederacy, all- 
all will be undone ! 

Smalllrade. Go, fir*-no reply — I muft and 
will be obeyed. 

[£«■/ Warfosdi. 
Senfelefs flat ! While I can fill my ftomaeh in 
one room, ' and my pockets in the other, what 
do 1 care for him or Henrietta ? Bu: now to 
take a peep, juft to fee who's lofing. {Looks in 




Enter Pavi. 

Pan}}. Really, this is a moft fliocking bufi- 
nefs — I'm told they've drawn in their relation, 
a filly country banker — Sir Charles brought mc 
down to be ufefulj but no profpeft of advantage 
to myfelf, fhall ever induce mc to take part in 
a bad adminiftration. — —Ha! yonder's that 
iittle greac man— Now, if I can but coax him 
into my lift of promifcs ! Sir, your moft obe- 

Smalltrade. Sir, your moft devoted. 

Pavi. I fee, fir, you're a friend of my patron, 
Sir Charles — And, next to being a man of rank 
one's felf, I know nothing like living amongtt 
them — Where does your intereft lay, iir? 

Smalltrade. My intereft ! Who the deuce is 

Pavi. I wifli I knew his title. (aJiJe.) Pray 
be feated, fir. {Tbey_fit.) Now, fir. {Taking 
cut bis roll of fromijts') Look at that lift of 
promifcs ! Many of your noble friends, you 
lee, fir — but nothing done ! Nothing ! 

Smalltrade. Many of my noble friends ! Oh ! 
what, you want promotioOj do you ?— -My dear 
fifj I've no influence. 

Pave. Excufc me, fir — I know belter— Do 
you think I can't tell a great man when I fee 
him ? (Smalltrade looks fleas'd.) Befides, 
when was it that fuch manners, fuch an appear- 
ance, and fuch a ftyle of drefs cou'dn't' com- 
mand every thing. (Smalltrade looks more 
fleas'd.) My dear fir, you remind me of the old 
courtj you do indeed— Of an old bedchamber 

p s Sf^Utrade, 

ri by Google 


Smallirade. {greatly pleas' d) Bedchamber lord t 
Ay J I'm very upright. (Holds up bis bead.) 

Pavi. Perhaps you arc diffident, fir — -never 

Smallirade. Why, that's very true — I neve? 
^id alk a man in power i favpur, never-rrlVe ^ 
great mind to try. 

Pave, Do — make the expcrinrient, and by 
way of founding) get a fmall fnug appointmen? 
for me, before you aflt a grand one for youp- 

Smallirade. I will — I'll get a little one for you, 
and a great one for myfclf — Was there ever fuch 
^ delicious fcene i How riches do pour in upoa 

Pav}. Riches !, Why,, did the fchcnie never 
ftrike you before i 

Smallirade. Never — And I'm amazed I cou'd 
be fuch a greenhorn, (fifes.) Oh ! I'll go an4 
alk Sir Charles direftly. 

Pavi. Alk Sir Charles! Pooh! he's only one 
hope himfelf. 

Smalltrade. One hope ! What's that f 

Pavi. Why) don't you knowi As we're 
alone I'll tell you-7-There's a country banker— » 
They've drawn in the old greenhorn to be ^ 
partner ! 

Smalltrade. What! 

Pavh He'll flop payment .of courfe, and as 
he's not a man of character — only a little fncak- 
ing, fliuffling ihopman.-r-For my part I'm glad 
on't, an't you, fir ? 

Smallirade. Indeed I am not, fir. — So, he's tQ 
\>p a bankrupt, is he ? 

Ftfyi, Certainly-T-I ihall, perhaps, be one of 


A e O M E D V. St 

h^s creditors — But between yo,u and I, I fliaVc 
fign his certificate. 

SmaUtrade. You won't fign his certiftcate I 

Pav^. No — ^what bufincfs has a tradefman to 
turn black legs ? To be fure he won't fneak 
into the Gazette like a tailor or a tallow-chandler 
for a paltry hundred or (b ! No — he'U prcfervc 
his dignity! Fail like a gentleman for thirty or 
forty thoufand pounds-" You take thejoke, don'l 

SmaUtrade. No, dam'mc if I do ? And they 
mean to ruin him do they ? 

Pavi. Ruin him 1 Oh ! it's all fettled ! Sir 
Charles told me he faw him lofe a guinea juft 
now — " Poor devil," fays he, " he little thinks 
" how near it is his laft," Ha, ha, h^ ! QValkj 
vp tbeftage.') 

Ji£-tnler Wakvord {with the Jrticks), 

Warford. According to your commands, fir, 
J have brought you the articles. 

Smalltrade. Have you ? Then thus I tear them. 
{Taking and tearing tbem.) George, I afk your 
pardon— I'm fo afbam'd, yet fo gratified, that 
though that impudent dog has infulted me, I 
can't help liking him for having opcn'd my 

Pavi. {coming down Jlage) Well ! — have you 
thought — Oh, mum — applying to a friend !^ 
That's right — ftick clofe to every body. 

SmaUtrade. Did you ever hear fuch a fellow ? 
But come, let's return home, and inftead of this 
pew-fanglcd mode of getting money, we'll" 
grow rich the old way — By honefty and induftryj 
ipy boy. 




Warford. Stay, fir — think that Lady Henri- 
etta is ftill in danger, and fure yOu will not leave 
the houfc till ilic is releafed. 

Smdltmde. Wiiatcanldo, George? Neither 
you nor I can perfuade her, and unlefs her 
father. Lord Orviilc, were here ' 

PavK LordOrville! That's the man ! ' He 
can fecde us ali — Oh! I wiih I knew how to 
fibiigc hira. 

Warford. Do you, fir? Then, his daughter^ 
Lady Hcnritcta, is now at the gaming table, and 
if you wil! but favc her as you have this gentle- 
man, I'll anfwer for it, her father will reward 

Pavh. Reward me ! my dear fir, when a lady's 
in diftrcfs, do you I care who or what her 
father is ? Lord Orville's daughter ! Whugh ! 
Here's an opportunity \ Oh ! I'll go find her 
out dircflly. 

Warford, Be cautious, fir-'^for if Sir Charles 
rfifcovers your intentions 

Pavh. What then, fir? Do you fuppofc I'm 
influenced by any but people of merit and dif- 
tindion ? Such as Lord Orville, and your ele- 
gant friend, my graceful bedchamber l(.rd, who, 
I know, will not forget the fnug appointments— 
Where (hall I conduft the lady ? 

Smalltrade. We'll wait below — And, d'ye 
hear — Tell Mifs Dazzle not to forget to fleece 
the country banker. 

Pavi. 1 will — AndfhewSirCharlesI'maman 
of real confequence. Adieu ! wait here a mo- 
ment, and you'll lee the little tradefman come 
out howling! But it won't do — I Iha'n't fign 
his certificate ! Ha, ha, ha ! 



A C O M E D Y. 23 

Smailtrade. By this time he's loft his laft gui- 
nea} ha, ha, ha 1 

lExil Pave. 
Come, George, let's go wait below, and depend 
on't, that fellow will extricate Henrietta — What 
an odd dog ! He teems lb anxious for prefer- 
ment, that I've a great mind to turn away my 
under clerk on purpofe to give him a place.. 


SCENE II.— Jnother Jparlmmt at Sir Charles's. 

Sir Charles and La^ Henrietta, difcovertd 
at Cards. 

Sir Charles. Point — Sixty. 

Lady Henrietta. Good. 

Sir Charles. Sixieme major. 

Lady Henrietta. Good. 

Sir Charles. Quatorze. 

Lady Henrietta. Good — (rijes) I'll play no more 
—Never was fuch a feries of ill luck— Well, 
Sir Charles, what have I loft ? 
. Sir Charles. Oh, a trifle ! Never think of it. 
Lady Henrietta. 

Lady Henrietta. Nay, you may as well feal my 
doom at once — Come ! 

Sir Charles. Well, if you infift — Here are your 
notes for money lent at Faro, one thoufand 
pounds, and what I have now won is five hun- 
dred, making, in the whole Qfteen hundred 



44 ttow TO Gkow iiiCHj 

Lady Henrietta. A very pleafant trlfllc ! BdC 
don't imagine I can't pay you, fir, don'c — — 

Sir Charles. Nay, allow me to relieve you aC - 
once — Take back the notes, forget the debt, and 
think me amply paid, if but a fmile the return. 

Lady Henrietta. No, Sir Charles— I cannot 
confent to be fo obliged — 'Tis true, my impru- 
dence has involved me beyond all hope of being 
extricated, and my father is abroad, and my 
uncle won't proteft me ! — Yet, fir ! — 

Sir Charles. Lady Henrietta, I know your fitu- 
ation, and feel for you — therefore let me intreat 
you to accept the notes, and when you want s 
proteftor, you know where to find one. 

Ijidy Henrietta A proteftor, fir ! 

Sir Charles. Be not alarm'd— You know my 
intentions are honourable, and fince you have 
no other friend to proteft you — 

Lady Henrietta. Sir, I deferve this, amply de- 
icrve it — 1 might have known, when a woman 
turns gameflicr, her fortune is the leaft fhe lofes. 
The iociety vilifies her feelings — the farigue 
ruins her health and underlVanding, and vfhtn 
flic has nothing left to (take, her pride is infult- 
cd, and even her honor made a fport of ! 

Sir Chiles. How you miftake me I Becaufe 1 
profefs to be your friend, you fbppofe me your 
enemy— My fifter is in the next room waiting to' 
receive you — You will not leave my houfe ? 

Lady Henrietta. Am I made a prifoner then ?' 
•Heavens ! how have I funk myfelf! 

Sir Charles. Pray be compofed — I will placff 
you under my filter's care— She flial! decide 
whether I deferve your afFeftions — Come, come, 
be calm — [taking her band) Confider, where- 
vou'd you go f 




LadyIJetirieU<f. Arjy where, fo I leave your 
hoiifi^— ^Dori'c'lmagine I have no friends," Sir. 

Sir Cbarlts. I am your friend, and JFeel your 
iptcrcft too much to part with you — Nay, you 
muS— You fliall be perfuadcd— fiffil/; and detains 

Enter PavJ. 

Pavi. So, heaven be prais'd, I have found 
you at laft, phugh ! {puffing himfilf.) 

Sir Charles. What brings you here ? 

Pav^. To be ufeful — Ma'am, your mfj^ obe- 
dient — What I at your old tricks, my boy ? 
{Smacks Sir Charles on the hack and points to cards.') 

Sir Charles. Hufh ! don't you fee I'm bufy! ■ 

PavL Mum ! don*t Cxpofc yourfclf — Lady 
Henrietta, I rejoicc-;-Ob ! what a likenefs en 
her father ! 

Sir Charles. 'Sdcath ! What do you mean, fir ? 

Pavi. Mean ! that we were born to proteft 
women, not infulc them, and while I wear a 
fword, they 0>all qev^r want a champion! I tell 
you what, fir—Your behaviour has been lately 
very offcnfivf, and if the Jady will give me 
leave, I'll condud her to a little great rnan who 
is waiting to receive her. 

Lady Henrietta. As I live its Mr. Smallcrade! 
Yonder I fee him. 

Sir Charles. Come here, Gr— Anfwer me, ia 
this your gratitude ? 

Pavi. Gratitude ! Now, obfcrve, Ma'am^I 
have been his dangler thefe five years — I've 
waited whole hours in the ftreeis, only to catch 
a fmile from him — dined at his lide-tabte, and 
got nothing to eat but fcraps and offals — lalk'd 
of his gallantries, confirm'd his gafconades, and 
E laugh'd 



laugh'd at his jokes, though he knows he never- 
cut one in his life— But now, — come, my Iwcet' 

Sir Cbarlis. Lady Henrietta, will you truft. 
yourfelf with that reptile ? 

Lady Henrietta. With any body rather than Sir 
Charles Dazzle. 

PavL You hear, Baronet, you hear! The 
reptile's not fo contemptible — And to Ihew my 
condcfccnfion— Hark ye — I'll fpeak to Lord 
Orviile for your— Make out a lift of promifes— 
put his lordfhip at the head, and in the courfe 
pf five years, if he don't provide for you, I will ! 
I will, if it's only to Ihew you, that one man of 
rank can be more ufcfyl than another, you fee— ^ 
Come, Madam, 

Sir Charles. Confufion ! Am I outwitted? 
Made a laughing Hock of ? 

Enter Mifi Dazzle. 

MifsDazxie. So, Sir Charles, have you feen 
that blockhead. Pave ? 

Sir Charles. Blockhead! villain! 

Mifs Dazzle. He ha$ undone all my fchenics 
tin the banker. 

Sir Charles. And mine on Lady Henrietta. - 

M/f Dazxfe. You brought him to be ufcful, 
didn't you i 

Sir Charlff. I did j and he has completely 
»nfwered my expeftations ! WeU> filler, if ruin 
is the road to happinefs, we are the merrieft 
couple — Lady Henrietta (ball not cfcape how- 
ever^William J 



, A C O M E D Y. 27 

Enter a Servant. 

Go to Mr. Latitat's— Tell him to come to me 

^/^fi Dazzle. To your attorney's, brother. 

■ Sir Charles. Yes j 1*11 leave her to the law 

now — In the mean time, let's to Mr. Smalltrade 
— There's a vacancy in the borough, and if I 

can fecurehis intereft, and gain the eleftion, I'll 
' fell my tables, leave off holpitality, reform and 

live like a gentleman ! {Examt. 

End of Act IL 

E » ACT 


It HO<V To'ckoVklCHl 


SCENE h—^AB j^^iment ai Smalltradi's. 
^£^<^ Henrietta iifcmkr^ jUtwg atoTnlttte, 

■ Ifody HenrUtia. So, the day of reckoning is 
-at laft arrived ; and ^ere I tic forgocten bjr my 
father, liegleftcd by my uncle Sir Thomas, and 
unpiticd by every body — Even Mr. PavJ has 
avoided mc — finding I^rd Orville was offended 
with me, he retired, faying he wou'd give me 
no further trouble — Alas ! how, how have I in- 
volved myfclf? 

Eater Betty. 

Betty. Lord, Ma'am, I'm frighten'd out of 

rnyfenfes— What do you think Sir Charles has 
done i 

Lady Henrietta. What, Betty? 

Betty. He has employ'd a gentleman, who, 
he fays, will get the money from you diredly— 
An attorney. Ma'am. 

Lady Henrietta, An attorney! 

Betty. Yes, your ladylhip— Sir Charles iirfifts 
he leiic you a thoufand pounds. 

Lady Henrietta. So he did, Betty — ^Hc lent it 
firfl: and won ii afterwards — Have you feen Mr, 
Warfoid > 

Betty. I have, Ma'anij and — {hefttating.^ 

Lady Henrietta. And what, Betty? 

Betty. When I toid him your diftrefs, my 

lady, and faid you Wuu'd thank him to lend you 

6 a' hundred 


n liiin^fed pbifhds -co tibnvey yoa abroad; he 
made bo reply. 

£jafHiHHfi//a. Vol 

Biity. N6, Ma'^m-^uc left ihc '-romn tin- 

•Ijttfy HefHieHa. This "IvoOtKh >ine)rtv9re \thdn 

-«1H That Warfiirtl-ftoli''d'deftrcmfrl'Yet wljy 
db-'I upbraid him ! 'HrWani'd me of try danger, 
and now> too juMjr'fhUnsme'for myfblljr. 

Betty. Lord, don't fret abo^t'Uj-my.tady**- 
-Who kno*s bot'thJs fewycr maf ■pibws.a Very 
gentlemanlike man — Talk of old friends''--Oive 
"The a new acqoatntlnCe, ~I fey ! ^Ltud'kMskitig.') 
■'Hereheis.'Ma'am ! Here's the attoniey-*.(/cat* 
■*a/)'Upon my word! What an ^cltgant equi- 
' piige ! Sfre, ^Mai'am ! A haddfeMe phaeton -nd 
two^SeiVants on horfcback. 

fi»/flr a Servant. 
. Servant. Ma'am, here's a gentleman in Ja 
- phaeton', who fays his ndme is- Lantac. 
Lady Henrklta. Shew him in. 

^Exei)»t Betty, and Servant. 
Heally this muH! be a ftrange kind of an attor- 
ney ; but in thefe d^s, nothing forpriies i 

EMter Latitat in an elegant Mtming Drefs. 
Latitat. Let my earriage wait— Ma'am, your 
moft obedient. 

' Lady-Henrietta. ?ny be feated, fir — ithtyfit) 
I'm told, fir, you have fomelaw-bufinefs. 
'Latitat. I have. Ma'am— but no hurry a- 
' bout that — I always do the thing genteelly— 
Pray, Ma'am, were you at the laft grand meet- 
ing of archers ? 
Laiy Htnnttta. No, fir, I was not. 




iMitat. That's unlucky^-I got the verdift— 
That is I won the prize — hit the bull's eye- 
carried off the beugle-hori*— Here it is— (p«« 
bis band in weng fecket and takes out papers) No 
—that's a bill in Chancery — Here, Ma'am-*— 
.{puUs out beft^-boni) received, tt from the lady 
■patronefs; — kifs'd her hand— proclaim'd yidtor— 
march'd in proccflion — colours flyinflfrf-mufic 
playing— clients huzzaing! Did the thing gea- 
teeily. Ma'am ! 

Lttdf HtnrUtta, Indeed> fir, you were very 

Latitat. Oh, I'm a, nice fellow. Ma'am I— 

■ Then at cricket — laft grand match — got ijxty 
notches— the Peer run' out— the Baron fiumpt, 

■ and the General knock'd down his own wicket-.— 
I was long-dop— famous at a long-ftop. Ma'am 
—cricket or law ! ball or debtor! Let neither 
flip through my fingers! heh. Ma'am! do the 
thing genteelly. 

Lady Henrietta. So it feems — But, pray, , fir, 
how can you follow the law amidft fuch a coti- 
fuiion of profeffions ? 

Latitat. Law and confuHon are the fame 
thing, Ma'am — Then I write my own foogs, 
draw my own pleadings, ride my own races — 
To be fure I never won one in my life — but then 
I always rode like a gentleman ! Heh, Ma'am I 
do the thing genteelly. 

Lady Henrietta, Certainly — But now, may we 
talk about my bufincfs \ 

Latitat. Don't alarm yourfelf— that's all fettled 
— My friend will be here prefcntly— he'll fliew 
you every accqmmodation. 



A C O M E D Y. 3^1 

Enter Servant. 

Servant, A gentleman in a curricle. Ma'am. 

Latitat, In a curricle I Oh! that's my friend 
— Shew him in, ' [£«/ Servant. 

■ Nowhere! here's another proof of my talents! 
When I came to this town. Ma'am, little Nab 
hadn't a Jhilling! I learni him the pradice — 
Now lie lives in flyle, drives his carriage, and 
will lend you a thoufand pounds. 

Ladf Hearielta. Will he, fir? I'm very much 
oblig'd to him. 

Etiieri^Aty {Smartly drefs*d). ■ 

Nah. {Speaks as be enters) Put clothes on the 
horfcs, and raife the top of the curricle that the 
lady mayn't catch cold. 

Latitat. Mr. Nab, Lady Henrietta — Lady 
Henrietta, Mr, Nab — There ! make your bow— 
(Nab lows affeSedly) And now ftiake hands. 

Lady Henrietta. Shake hands, fir ! 

Latitat. Yes— ^Lethim do the thing genteelly 
— (Nab ^thf touches her hand) There! -the 
bufinefs is ferried ! You're arrefted at the fuit of 
Sir Charles Dazzle, and little Nab will drive you 
away in his curricle. 

Lady Henrietta. Arrefted! 
' Latitat. Lord, don't be uneafy — his houfe is 
a palace — full of the beft furniture, the bed 
wines ; and I give you my honor, the beft com- 
pany ! You'll find fome very fafliionable people 
thci-e — Some of your intimate friends — heh, 

Nab. Yes, Ma'am, and I entertain my com- 

paiiy fo fuperbly, that when they leave my houfe, ' 

;ts always in good humour, I aflure you— Be- 



31 HOW TO GiOy/, BlCHj 

fides we can make up a Faro bank-— every thing 
in ftyle. 

ht^l^midta.^ This U >&. V> be deluded, into 
fhe yo^c^i of diflipation: — Nf^ it ^ a le&bn to 
(By ijej^ ?nd prove how ftiorc the diftaifcc is, 
^onp. ^ g^ al^^OjCi^ites of high Uf^ to, the Ipw 
OMTipapiofis «f roy pre&nt hour — Bu^ fipce i^ 
muft be fi>-^<-Siinpe I have no friend to 'f\ic<foixt 
«r protect me, 1 mofta perfojrcc, fubmiii-rTCo^ney 
firs> condud me. 

Enter Warford. 

Wsrferd. Where are you going, gentlenien ? 

Lttitat. To take the Iad]t w sicingi fir — Wilt 
ydu jj^in the party ? 

^ X44y.t^ie(ta. Mr. Warford, I little expedci 
to fee yoo here — The gentleman ii(Ho reprovca 
pne in prpfperity is at leaft conliftent infhiHining 
im in adverijty. 

Wfrfori, What is your demand, fir? ^7^ 

latitat. Nab, fhpvir the writ. 

llah. The ^ifibi ^n4 cofts are one thoufand and 
twenty puurkis, 

. fVivM4r Here is the money then. {Givts 
Latitat hank neies.) 

Latitat. The what ! 

ff^arfer4f There ^e bank i^otes for the fuip. 

Latiiflt. {counting tbtfn) So there are-r-Why, 
(bis i& doing the thing genteelly— -Nab ! 

Na^. Aflf>»?ing • 

Warfar^. What do you ft^re at, fir ? 

latitat. Excufe us, fltj we arc a little fur- 
ytw'jd -^o ^ fufc J for whe? mj^ friend and \ db 
Ibat^p Aftndfi widi people' of ^a^oc, .we gcnc- 
jnUy psl» fct^ie ti^c with t(iem. 



A CO.NiEDYi t aj 

' iVarJorL No matter, firj the debt b dif* 
ckarg'd, fo begone. 
latitat. Begone ! , 
Warford. ics; leaVe tlie robni inftantly: 
Latitat. I^eave the rpom ! Is this Unguage td - 
^ gentleman? .... .,, ■ - 

Warford. Gentlcfpap 1 Away ! *Tis fuch j?ec- 
. tlfoggersas yourl^ataifgfacctlieprcsfeirion-^That 
live on the mifenes of tHe unfortunatq/.aod, ^n 
a land of freedom, mutilate laws ttiat. art the 
guardians of liberty-:— Hark ye, fir, were I a bar- 

rifter or judge '-■> 

LatifaK Barrifter or judge I Pooh 1 they can't 
. do the. thing fo gcnteeUyas we can^, 

Nah. No ! I'n give a dinner with apy JHdgc 
in England. 

■ l^itat. I'd rather be an Attorney. than Chief 
juftice., ■ ■ ; , ' ' .' -, 

Nabi And I.a bailiff .than.liig(i/Gha!icel)or. 
: /f^arford. Very likely : but I infift— ^-. ■ , 

Latitat. Ccrtainly-mwe're going,' fir — Good 
.jday, npa'am — Welivp iahop^s! _Here 1 wherc's 
my phaeton and fervants ? 

Nab.- Call up. my curricle and followers I 
Good day, ma'am f ' '.. " ^ 

Latitat. If anyfuture atciderit fhou'd happen 
either tp you or that gentleman, we;lha1l be 
- always happy to give you an airing. Come 
along, Nab— ^Barrifter or judge 1 Pooh !— ^ 
(looks at notes) Oh what a plcafure it Is tp4p the 
liMng genteelly 1 {^Exit with Nab. 

Warford. Now, Lady Henrietta, rhpfw your 
fears are at an end. 

tMy Henrietta. No, Mr. Warford, they are 

rather ineress'di for if 1 am to be reliev'd at 

F anochers' 



Sir Thomas, Serve him right — ^Why didn't ho 
get out of his way, when he knew the 'Squire 
was fo fond of boxing that he muft Jiave praftice . 
to keep his hand in — pifiniis him — Any thing 
more ? 

Clerk. Nothing of any confequence, your 
worfhip— Only young Hippy, the miller's fon^ 
here — an honefl, induilrious young . man, was 
found by the gamekeeper with a hare under his 

Sir Tbomas. With what ? 

Clerk. With a hare on your manor. 

Sir Tbtmas. On my manor I {eemes fi-em his 
/eat) Oh yog afTaffin ! Nothing of any confe- 
quence indeed ! Why, what's nem. coO. — 
drim. cofl.^-or pro. and con. to the Ibedding 
innocent blood ? You dog ! fpeak — anfwer 
me— What have you to fay foryourfclf? 

CUrk. (to Hippy) Speak to the magiftratc. ■ 

Hippy. Plcafe your majcfty-r — r 

5/r TioBWJ. -Pleafe my what ! . 

Kffy. Plcafe your majefly, I'll tell you all 
about it— The other morning, as I was crofling 
the whoat ftqbble, along with old Nicholas — ■_ 
You know old Nick, your honour ■ . i>- ' 

Sir "Tbomas. Curfe old Nick — go oh. " 

Hi^. Na— don't you hurry mcr— I feed 
foiiicthing in the corn going a titfup, a tittup, 
a tittuf:— So, fays 1 — " Say nothing, Nickyi 
and'wc'Jl fee what it is." — And prefcntly there 
pame vi'ithin my legs, as fine a large banging 
hare as Cver you' clapt your two moft gracious 
jpyes upon. 

5(yr6*flMJ; Well, Brrah! • 

fiif^. So; knowing as h'ovf fuch great bcafts 
pnly dcvour'd the cyrn and barley off your ma- 



jetty's manor— I kept him tight between my legs, 
and fqucczing him in this way — Look'ee! (puts 
his bat heiween his legs) I pinch'd him by Utile 
and little, 'till ac lau a got the (taggers^ and 
then fays I> " Now, old Nick, knock his brains 

Sir Thomas. You did, did you ? 

Hippy. Yes, that 1 did J and Nicky kept his 
word— For there a lay as dead and lifelels — I'cod 
it wou'd have done your heart good to fee Nicky 
and I laughing, he, he, he ! 

Sir Thomas. And it will do my heart good to 
fee Nicky and you hanging, he, he, he! (mimiet- 
^■«_f)r— Seize him— take him to jail, 

[Conftables /eize bim. 

Him- To jail! 

SirTberpas. Ayj I'll learn you to poach on 
my manor. 

Hippy. Oh Lord ! why, your honour waj 
juft how pleas'd to pardon 'Squire Sturdy for 
alrhbft killing a man ; and here I'm to be tuck'd 
Vp for only fqueezing a hare!— Odraten ! this 
can't bejuftice. 

RosA^fj without *f Hark iviay" fcff. 

Sir Thmas. Ah ! here's my little god-daugh- 
ter ! — She never kill'd any game ; and if Ihe had 
been but that day^ ihe'd h^vp fcar'd the hare 

^nter Rosa fivgingt and followed hy two Game- 
keepers, with quantities of Hares, Pheafants, 
end Partridges. 

Riifai Come along, William — Shew my god- 
papa what fport we've had! — There! {Gatne- 
* ■ keepers 



t^epert tirwv devsti game) Ao't i.j» uux Ikth;- 

f^rpy. kod, if my ntfk'i to be twifted, wliat's 
Ht b^cooae of bers J 
. Sfi/a. .Why, ypy don't look pleai'd. Sir Tbo- 
mas — Perhaps you don't think I've kill'd iialf. 
enough ? " ' ■ ■ - 

9irTi>dmas. Te&Ido«-Oh.! hi h! {loakai[at 

■ Rof*. Jiayj confider, Sjr.Thonias, jt's very 

well for a young beginner j but I tell you .what, 
I'll foon make you ha^^yT— jet me go aut again 
to-morrow, . and I wen'c leav« a fiogic hare,- 
pheafant, or partridge, pn rti^jxianor.. 

Htppy. Docy — doey, your majtfty, and let me 
go wi' her. 

Sir Thamas. Come— I'll fbon fettle this bu(i- 
nefs — Cor.ftahle, take that poacher to the. 
county jail— ^No wordfr— take hiin diredly. 

Hippy. Dang it, ifeverl iftjuecac abare again 
••—Good day. Mils — Odraten ! I fuppofe you 
^d old Nick vdll ibon foine after me. 

[Conftables forte bim off. 

Sir Thomas. And, now, William, do you take 
the other poacher to the pzrlbhage'hoi^e. 

Reja. To the parfpnage-houfe, fir ! 

Sir Thomas. Ay, to your father's — You jade, 
I'm tir'd of your follics-'—you know I took you 
from the parfori's, that yoii might get well mar- 
ried — but you cou'dn't hit the mark. 

ReJa. No: but I hit the birds; gjr, and 
rriark'd fern too— However, I know why you'rC 
ingry with me — ^You've made it up with your 
niece» Lady Henrietta, and becaufe I coud'n'l 
marry fome great man, who might ha^e got 

,3 . -■ . ■ . .-y**" 


^otl -n«<i7 minors, 'an4 t(tl thtt~Tm -ttiSni to 
try what flic tire d*. ■ ; ! 

• S^ ^maA. Y«B, Hie ftiallbe tUf li^inf^Mw— 

-So-igohome, Mift.; 

ii^. WelJ, I- TJoiT*t G4re — ^I know where Ac 
game liei, and while there's a fcftthcr on the 

■ ^«ior t won't want » day's fp»rt, depend oa'c, 


j^jiv ^''i^'^ •Sir STtomas I /« tiiast^ofi .^fmar prt* 

mt/y, - - ' • ',..'..■.. 

Aad leave Re/it, pO0r^ir!t is. lammti • 
Sut.take bonor. apd gold^ and y'tofr fav^r wilh- 

' hold, ' . - : ;." -, 

Zou cannot take becltb and content, •- 
Wbile my dogs at the daifut 
Brufi) the dew from ibe lawn. 
Sniff the /cent' of tbegame^ 
And 6Mr/piriti inflomf^ 
Through ibickels arftubhies 
Their courage redoubles j ■ 

Then ebeciiKe 'their Jpeed— " Heh,Sjjj/h, take 

Ob! Sir. Thomas Roundhead I Popt^' jo^ ^ame 
■ it is deadi 

2 can hit well'my man, and a-'hv4r frxpai, 

Tet Amazon like "f -wilt he/ 
As Jure' as j3 gun^Jrom each Juitor I'll run, 
Bui the hero 'who overcomes me. 

While my d«gs, £#c j 
[!Ev;/«;(/i Gamckecptirs* 

Enl&La^ Hesrietta, 
Z-a$' Hem-ietta. My dear uncle ! 




Sir themas. My dear niece ! I r^oke ta fte 

you — Mr. Warford told you, I fuppole. 

I^ady Henrietta. He did iodeed. Sir Thomas^ 
and the thoufand pounds you fenc me.waS'the 
- moft critical, fortunate—— 

Sir Thomas. The thoufand pounds ! 
Lady Hm-iet/a. Yes — but for that I had been 
living in a palace> viewing the bed furniture^ 
tafting the beft ttines> .and keeping the beH 
company in the world- 

Sir Thomas. My dear girl, I feftt yoii no £hou- 
fand pounds. 
Lady Henrietta. No ! ' 
Sir'Tbomas. No — The young gentlemati, in- 
deed, tsid me you wanted moneys but I had 
none by me — Mine's all in the country bank 
—all lock'd up — Smalltrade never pays in 
fpecie — And as to his five pound notes, they're 
like French aflignats ! Dam'me, a good old 
Englifli guinea's worth a thoiifand of 'em ! This, 
1 told Mr. Warford, arid he faid he himfelf 
. could find a friend to advance it. 

Ladf Henrietta. Generous, difintcrefted man! 
But how, how am I to repay him ? 

Sir Thomas. I'll tell you^^I have quarrell'd 
with that hufTey, Ro(a, andas I wifti to have » 
fenator for my heir, 1 mean to get you well 
married — Nay, I have a hufband ^ready m my 

Lady Henrietta. Have yoo, fir? 
Sir Thomas. Yesj there is a vacancy in the 
borough, and the new member ihall have your 
' hand and my eftaCe. 

La^ Henrietta. And pray, Iir> who is llkel/ 
to be my rcpfcfentativc? 


A COMEDY. 41, 

Sir fhemas. There ia only one candidate at 
prcfent, and he is an old admirer of your's^ and 
■ an old friend of mine, — Sir Charles Dazzle. 

Ltufy HeKtietta, Sir Charles Dazzle ! 

Sir Thomas. Yes; he's a man of rank and 
talencs; and if we may judge by his ftyle of 
living, he's the richeft Baronet in England — But 
now, let's in to dinner and talk further— Oh! 
when Sir Charles has mairicd you, he fhall do 
me three fuch favors— All relating to my own 

Lady Henrietta. And what are they^ fir ? 

SirTbmas. You fhall hear— The firft is, to 
turn the road, and fend my neighbours half a 
mile round— The fecond is to enclofe the com- 
mon, and keep it all to myfelf— The third, is to 
cut a canal right through the town, and build 
powder-mills on the banlcs I This, my dear girl, 
will double my renull, and this is my way of 
growing rich 1 [Exeunt, 

End of Act III. 




A C T ly. 

SCENE h—Sir Thom^i's Park^^Vim. tf hi* 
Heu/it Garden^ Pmds, t^c. 

Eater SirCaAhL^i Dazzlb, and iwa Srrrants. 

Sir Charles. Knock at the gate and announc* 
my arrival. .- [£«'/ Servant. 

So, Lady Henricua has not efcaped me yet — . 
Hearing Sir Thomas meant to provide for her, 
1 inftantly wrote to him and oiFcr'd.hcr marriag<5 
T-this he agreed to, fuppoling my fortune wilt 
enfurc the eleflion. — As to that wretch Pave— i 
juft now met the mad rafcal ruoning full %ec4 
after a notjlemad's carriage. 

2. Servant. Yonder is Mr. Pav§, fir. 

Sir Charles. Ay, meditating on the drawing- 
rooms of princes, and the levees of minifters. 

Re-enter Servant. 

Servant. Sir Thomas is waiting to receive 
you, fir. 

Sir Charles. Shew me the way— Now here, 
here's another proof that ruin Is the road to 
riches i for without having an acre of my own, 
I ,am going to take poffefTion of the largeft eftate 
in the county— Poor Sir Thomas ! poor Hen- 
rietta! I'll foon convince them, that now-a-days 
people live better without money than with it. 



A <? O.M E D Y, 4) 

Exier Warford <:»(/ tatfy Henrietta. 

Z^j.BMrutta.liDV can I thank you, fir? 
"Nay, don't deny your generofity— I have learat 
3^ from. Sir TlMffnas — And tell me honeftly, 
Mr. Warford, have you not by cstrictting m» 
involved yourlelff' 

Warford. No, Lady Henrietta; I gain'd this 
money by eafy, honorable means ; out of an annu- 
ity of two hundred pounds, allowed .Tne thefe ten 
years paft by rny uncle, I have by /rggaliiy an^ 
{nudence anauajly Javed a moiety — faved it to 
befriend me in-the hour of danger ! And if ^ 
haa.afCfted yqu, how great and ample ifr my r^- 
compence ! But think not trf" that — think of Sir 
•Gharks Daaale— What brings him .to Sir Tho- 
mas's ? , 

Lady Ihiri^fa. Thf. worft of purpofcs-^e 
comes to be my hufband! bir Thomas has ac-- 
c^ted his jyr^ippfsls,. and-in my fuher'ft abfence 
I have no friend to proteft me but:you— Ol^ 
Mr. Warford ! little did I think, when I ente^red 
cify uncle's houfe, I fho'u'd again be in the power 
of fuch an enemy. 

Warford. Nor (hall you be— I'll fee Sir Tho- 
mas inftancly — expofc Sir Charles's villainies. 

Laif Hftirietta. That wou'd be ufelefs— Alas ! 
there is but one way— and that is fo difficult— 
Qi uncertain ! You know in confequence of my 
imprud'^nce, Sir Thomas had adopted Kofa for 
h\» heirefs. 

Warford. He had. 
. Lady Henrietta, Previous to my arrival, he 
^uarrel'd with her, and fent her back to the 
parfonage-houfe — Now, as I know the old gen- 
tleman only wants a man of rank to inherit his 
G 8 cftatc. 



eftate, the way to fave mc, wou'd be to reftore 
Rofa to his favour. 

Warford. I underftand — But how— how is 
that to be accompliihed ? 

Lady. Henrietta. By feeing hcr father, the mi- 
niftcr of the parifli, by perwadiilg him to inter- 
fere for his daughter — if he fiicceeds— ^ 

■Enter a Servant. 

Servant. Your uncle and Sir Gharlea Diazzle 
requeft yoUfladyfhip's companv. ' 
' Lady Henrietta. Is itpoffiblef'Aml forced to 
meet the man who has fo infi^d me i To be 
under the fame roof with him> and at lafl be 
doom*d to marry him ? 

- Warferd. Talk not<)f it— I'll endeavour to 
raftore Rofa to your uncle's favor. Tell me, 
•lir, {to Servant.) where does rfic clergyman 
;JiTe? ■ . -. V . ; 

Senxm. What, the new miinift'er, Mr. Me- 
diuTTii firf ■ ■ ■ ■ 

Warford. Yes; ' 

■ Servant. He Htcs acrofs the field at the White 
Houfe, fir. 

■ Warford. Then I'll wait on him, and feturn 
to you inftantfy, 

La/fy Henrietta. Adieu, Mr. Warford! Oh, 
now more than ever, I feel the effed of my fol- 
lies ! Had I like him, grown rich by prudence 
and oeconomy, I might ere this have fixed my 
own choice, and inftead of being united to a 
man I detcft, 1 might have found one who would 
have loved and honored me ! But as it is,— 
farewell, fir — We fliall foon meet again. [Exit. 

Warford. Farewell, Lady Henrietta. Dif- 

tradion! Mbft that villain triumph ovcrherl 

6 , . No, 


A C O M E D Y. <5 

No, I'n not lofe a moment— I'll fee diis mi- 
nifter, "(G«»^.) , 

Eater Pav&, {wbojiops lim). 

FavK See the miniftcr ! What, in that drcfe ? 
Pooh ! you can't get an audience. 

Warford. Excufe mc, fir— I've the moft im- 
portant bufine^-* 

Pavi. Why, he's in town I tell you. 

Warford. He's in the neighbourhood I tell 
you, and where I mufi and .will fee him. So, 
ftand tiack and don'c detain mc from an inter- 
view that makes or mars my peace for ever. 

\TuJbti Pave ijrf^f, «ai exii. 

Pav^. In the neighbourhood! The miniflxr 
in the neighbourhood J Impoflfible! This ia not 
■his county — And yet— he's on a vific pethaps,' 
or on a fccret expedition ! If he fliould, and I 
can catch his eye ! Get a fqueeze> a nod, or a 
fmile, and at laft wheedle him into my lift of 
promifes! whughl 

£»/«■ HiPpy. 

Hip^. Odraten ! I've made my cfcape— Mi'ft 
Sofa fpoke to her father, who fpoke to Sir 
Thomas, and now if I can find Mr. Medium* 
-and thank him>— Pray, fir, have you feen the 
minifter ? 

P<yy^. There! Have I feen the minifter? 
They're all after him. 

Hip^. He has faved me and Nicky — ^But 
here's his daughter, Mifs Rofa. 

Pavi. His daughter ! The minifter's daugh- 
ter ! My dear fellow, take this — {gives bim mo- 
tuy.') and d'ye hear ? Speak to her m my favor-— 



Speak highly of me— hint I'm of the old Nor- 
man blood. 

Hippy. What blood ? 

Pav}. The old Norman blood ! — ^You under- 
fiiind, mum 1 You underftand~— . 

Enter Rosa. 

Rofa. Its a fliame ! to tupB- me out of thp 
houfe and "adopt Lady Hericietta, and all fae- 
caiife I cou'dn't marry a great man'! Faith, I've 
tf great mind to run away with church wacdeih-'- 
I -hatre, and— Blefs me 1'. What pretty iookdng 
gentleman's this ? ■■ .. 

flipfy- Mifs, he wiflies to fay a word to you — 
(^wh^fo-s her.) he's anoJd Nbrmari bhnd [-Exit. 

■Favi.- \afide.') Touife her father's language 
J wilh the budget' was epen'd. Ma'am ! \bo3o^ 
hg.) ■ ■■•:'.- 

'RoJOi' {curt/ying,') ■ Lord what a. dtanniog 
mani : : ,'..... ' . ,-' 

Pavi. She fmiles upon me — ^now then Tor the 
ways and means. — Oh you paragon! 'Till I 
throw myfelf at your father's feet, allow me to 
fall at yours ! {knceHng-.y And thus, ind thus — 
XkiJftMg her hand) to fwcar allegiance Bo .yo»^ 
your lire and your'whole auguft familv. 

J?*/"«. Was there ever, fuch an elegant -cfceai- 

Pav^. Here let me fwcar to ratify the-trcaty 
of alliance, to cement the family-compaft, aiw 

fireierve the balance of power as long as I 
ive. ■ , 

Rofa. Dear, how he muft adore me ! . I can't 
iland jt much longer. 

~-P^. Never will I rife till you fign prelimi- 
nary 'articl-es> 'till you fwcar you believe me 


A COMED Y. 0^ 

your faithful ally, your leagued confederal 
dud ever loyal vaflal. 

Rofa. {kneeling iy him.) J do! t do! And 
moreover 1 fwear chat I honor the Norman race 
more- than my own ! And fboner than fuch a 
fweet looking gentleman Ihould break his heart 
for me, faith ! — I'll run away with him di- 

■ Favf. What! I-et. me.tafte that treafuty (^ 
charms i 

Ro/a. Yes. 
. Pavi. And carry off that exchequer of ex- 
cellence ? 

Ro/a. 1 would 1 I would I this v6ry hour I 
would ! 

Pgve. Huzza! huzza 1 I'm the Frimfi MU 
nlfter's fon. 

Rofa. What! {rifing.) ■ ' '. . 

Pavi. I'm the fiinifter's fon ! Now.let Lorct 
Orviilc bow to the ground— Let Sir Charles 
Dazzle wipe my (bocE— Let thofe that kept 
me dangling in their halls ftand Ihivering in 
mine I And they who fpuro'd me, [Hticd me, 
and call'd me " poor Pave" — Let 'enn now puU 
off their hats and cry " Room for tTieMiniftar'* 
fon*" dam' me, while its lafts I'll make the moft 
of it" 

Rffa. Lord, I knew he was a great man hy 
his talking fo unintelligibly. Let's to SirTho- 
mas Roundhead's dire^ly. 

Pav^. To a Baronet's ! pooh ! 

Rofa. Nay % he's a great friend of my father's, 
and will rejoice at our marriage. 

Pav^. Well then — ^But your father, my angel ! 
How I long to f^o him, to help him in his ora- 
^ons I 




Hi^B. Oh ! he wanu no help in thcfti— Hi» 
difcourfes arc excellent, only raiher too Ihort : 
for my; mother always confines him to twenty 

Pmf^. Does (he ? Then your mother is a true 
lover of her country.— Come. 

Re'tttter Warford. 

Warford. Mifs Rofa, a word if you pleafe— I 
want to fee your father. 

PavS. I dare fay you do— But excufe us !^ 
We have important bufincfs. (Afiiwc*/ War- 
ford's manner.) 

Warford. Nay> I won't detain you a moment. 

Pavi. Stand back, lir, and don't detain me— 
I've the moft important bufinefs — an interview 
that makes or mars my peace for ever. I fay, 
my little clerk, he is in the neighbourhood, and 
if yob want an audience— I have it— Snug— all 
vnder my thumb— mum! You underftand- 
Come, my fweet angel ! Aik for the minifter's 

Roja. Aye i alk for the miainxr's fon ! 

Warford. Was there ever fuch an extraordi- 
nary fdlow ! But as I cannot find Mr. Medium, 
I muft to Sir Thomas's aod fee Lady Henrietta 
joftantly. [£]»/. 




SCENE n.— j^ aoiem Aparttimt at Sir Tho* 
MAs's. — The Room bung with PWures—ht tbg 
Centre a large PtSure with a Curtain btfort it, 

Mattr Sir Thomas Rovndhead and Sir Charles 


Sir CbarUs. Sir Thomas, you have made me 
the happicft of men ! 

Sir Thomas. No thanks—^hc fhall be yours— • 
Read that agreement. (Gives bim a paper.) 

Sir Charles, (reads') " On condicion that Sir 
" Charles Dazzle marries Lady Henrietta, Sir 
•* Thomas Roundhead agrees to fettle on hef 
** one thoufand a year during his life, and the 
*• whole of his eftatc at his death."— Shall wc 
flgn direaiy i 

Sir Thomas. No, we can't 'till we've got hef 
confent— And I afliire you, it will require all 
my eloquence to pcrfuadc her— here Ihe Comes— 
leave us together. 

Enter Lady Henrietta. 

Sir CbarUs. When you are ready, Sir Tho- 
mas, 111 wait upon you^^-^Lady Henrietta, your 
moft obedient. [Bows, and Exit. 

Lady Henrietta. Impudent fycophant! How 
his looks betray his triumph ! Well, uncle, do 
you really peruft in marrying me to that gentle- 
man ? 

Sir Thomas. Certainly — I will have a man of 
rank for my heir ; ioT the road muft be turn'd,— 
the common enclofed, — and the canal and pow- 
der-mills accoropiiiHedt 

H La4f 



Jm^ Henrietta. And I would rather work on 
the Foadj graze on the common, or be drown'd 
in the canal, than marry Sir Charles Dazzle— 
Befides, I am inheriting another's right— Rofa 
ought to be your hcireft. 

Sir stomas. Ay, that is, if I could have 
married her to a great maO'^But now, read that 

La^ Hexriitta, {reading) ** Sir Charles mar- 
*' ries Lady Henrietta— Sir Thomas fettles one 
*5 thoufand a year— And the whole of his e&ate 
*' at his death." 

Sir tbtmat. Well I will you fign it ? Ixuk 
ye, no demurriog ; for if you nfufe, neither I 
nor your father wiU give you a Ibilliitg. 
. Ladjf Henrietta. Ungenerous I 

Sir- Thoaas. Conflder too— how arc you to 
repay Mr. Warford ? 

2i^/ieffrw/;0. Howihdeedl Andfoonerthati 
he Ibou'd fuffer for his tibera]ity-*-Yet, to be the 
wife of my avow'd enemy— 1 cannot— will not, 
be fo wretched ! 

Sir •Thomas. Won't you? We'll fee — Sir 
Charles Dazzle ! {calUng bim h.) 

Lady Henrietta. Hold, fir — give me but a 
moment— Wait 'cill my father arrives. 

SirTbmas. No*— You fliall figa inftantly^— 
Sir Charles I 

Jts he is goings-Enter Rosa ka^fy, andrwu againP 

Rofa. Oh, Sir Thomas !— Oh, my ladyt— 

I»m out of breath. 

Sir Thomas. What's the matter, Jezabel f 


A C O M E D V. j! 

■ Rofa, I've done it t I've liit tlie mark ! . Strch 
a gentleman has run awaf with me! Ne left 
than the Prime Minifter's Ton ! 

Str stomas. The miniftsr's fon I 

Reja. Yesi he's of the Norman race, the 
fecond perfon in the vatid i I'm the third, and 
you fliall be the fourth— Here he is ! 

Lath Hatriiita. {looking out) ■ As I live it's my 
old friend, Pavd — If I Eumour this, I may re^ 
ftore Rofa to farour, and fave myfelf—- Lucky, 
lucky thought ! 

Sir tbomai. Pooh ! this can't be rfie minifter's 
fon— And yet, by hit appearance— He his 
certainly a very importaoi^ formidable air. 

La^ Henrietta. Sir Thomas* I can affirm it as 
a fa£t — This is the very perfon—I know him 

Sir Tbfimas. Do you i 'Sdcftth I what an xvr- 
ful fight ! My refpeA'ft lb great, I den'c know 
where to Hand or how to look. 

Enter Pavi. 

Zja(fy Bmrietla. How d'ye do i (nods la hint.) 

Peroi. How d'ye do ? (nods to her.) 

Sir fbomas. He knows her— it is him! Lord, 

1 wMh I, had paid my obedience. 

Ladf Henrietta. Mr. FavS, this is Sir Thonlas 

Roundhead. (Sir Thomas draws hack.) Nay, 

don't, be frighten'd, uncle — The gentleman is 

very condefccn(^ing, 
Pavi. Condefcending ! Lord! I'm the mofl; 

familiar creature— Your hand. Tommy, give 

ttiti your hand. 

Sir Thomas. Tommy ! why, he's familiar irt- 
H a deed! 



deed! Gad,. I feel bold enough to talk to him 
——Pray, fir — Hem ! — is there any news ? 

Pave. What ! {ftarmg at hm.") 

Sir Thomoj. {alann'd^ I only afk'd, ftr, if there 
Was any news. 

Paoi. Fie, Tomniy, fie ! Never pump a 
minifter — Mum ! or any of his family — fie ! 

Lad^ HmrieUa. (ajde to Sir Thomas.) Now'a 
your oppDrtunity-T-fti hini at- Once — Offer faim 
.Rofa with your eftate. 

Sir 'Thomas. I will— For this is indeed a man 
of rank! Sirl dread fir! if Idbn't prefumc too 
much' — I have .a fmall.c{tate— not indeed ade- 
quate to your iituatipn — But if you will accept 
it with this young lady-rV— ^ 

Pavg. .How much is it? 

Sir Thomas. Scarce worth mentioning-rrOnly 
4 thoufand a 'year at prefent, but at my death, 
it will be five thoufand'T^WiU you have the 
condefcenfion ? — 

PatH. Well, rii indulge you. Tommy, I'll 
indulge you — Five thoufand a year, no bad cer- 
tainty in cafe of accident, (a^) In return— 
if there are any favours, I or my father—— 

Sir Thomas. Oh, fir! (^bows 'very low) There 
are to be lure, fir, one or two trifles — Firft, you 
fee (counts with bis_finger oh bis left hand) I want 
to turn a road — fecondiy, to enclofc a common 
— thirdly, to cut a canal— fourthly, to build 

powder-mills — fifthly {beginning to count m 

his right hand.) 

Pave. Suck to one hand, my dear Tommy! 
Stick" to one hand, and don't agitate yourfclf-r 
The trifles Ihatl be accompliih'd, fo draw vp w 




Lady Henrietta. I believe this will do, fir— It's 
only to fcratch out my name and Sir Charles's, ■ 
and infcfcMifsRofa's and Mr, Pave's. — I'll do 
Jt, and you may figndireilly. {Gees to table and 

Ro/a. (to P»yi) . I fty» while they're fettling 
the agreement, I'll Ihew you rpy father's pic- 

Pm^. your father's pifturc ! Ha I where is 

ii^. There— behind the curt»n ! He's in 
his gown. 

Jfavi. Gown!— Robes you mean— — Let*« 
•fee. — 

Ladr Henrietta, Stop- — -lign the contraft 

Sir ^Tfomas. Ay ; Cgn firft--There — thcre'i 
my fignature, (ifg»^»?.) . 

Pavi. And mine! (fi^tng^ 
, Rofa. And now, there's ipy dear father in his 
eown and cadock. 

{Undrami eurtaim of piSureSt and dijcovert 
a fainting of Mr. Medium, the clergy- 
man, in, bis gcwn and cafock—Pxvi fees 
it, and Jtands Jiupified. 

Sir Thomas. Yesj there's old Medium— What 
■filrprizes you, fir f 

Z-w/f Henrietta. Ayj there's another miniftcr— 
What makes you fo dumb, Mr. PavJ ? 

Pavi. RcfpeA and reverence at that awful 
fight— Oh, Sir Thomas ! that parfon's picture 
has fo deeply alfefted me, that only this con- 
tract can cpnfple me. (taking it) Nothing like a 
a certainty 



a certainty in cafe of accidents—Come, Mift 
Medium ! 

Sir Thomas. Why, where are you going? 

P«ve. To my father's. Tommy, to my fa- 
ther's — To take care of tlie road, — the common 
-^thc canal — the— Ii> fhort, to fecure your 
vhole property. 

Enter Sir Charles Oazzlk. 

Pavi. Ah, Sir Charles, bare you made out 
a lift of promifes ? In the courfe of five years— 
that is, when-I come to my eftate, )'U think of 
you — Farewell, old What's-his-Namc — Tomr 
my, adieu f I retire with a handfomc proviCoa 
however. {Looks at ceniraS, fc?c.) 

[ExU with Rosa. 

Sir Charles. Sir Thomas, what does chat im- 
pudent fellow do here ? 

Sir TBsmas, Impvdent ! ' why, do you know 
who he is ? 

Sir Charles. Yes ; I know him to be an im- 
poftor — a rafcat— And if he has got any thing 
from you 

Sir Thomas. Got any thing ! he's got my whole 
eftatc— Oh Lord ! 

Sir Charks, Purfue him direftly— I'll go with 

Sir Thomas. Oh dear ! Come along — As for 
you, madam, depend on'r, you Ihatl ftill be Sir 
Charles's, and for that fellow — Oh the villain! 
I believe he's a poacher, andijecaufe he cou'dn't 
inare the game, he has ftole the whole manor ! 

TExit with Sir Charles. 


A C O M E D Y. 5s 

La4f Uaaietta. Ha 1 ha I he's a delightful 
mm* and as he has twice laved me from Sir 
Charles, I hope he'll do me the favour a third 
ume — But now to Warford, and make his gene- 
rous heart partake my joy. 

End op Act IV. 





SCENE I. — A modem Apartment at Sir Tho- 
MAs'Sj a fVindow opm and Balcexy hebind. 

Enter Rosa. 

Rofa. How unfortunate I To be retaken and 
feparated from my dear Mr. PavS.— ((?«/ to win' 
dew and leeks out.) Surely Hippy can't have for- 
got mc— I dropt him a letter out of this window 
10 carry to Mr. Pave, in which I told him I was 
locked upt that he mightn't get the eftatej but 
that I was ready to elope with him this very 
night— Dear I where can Hippy be ? 

Enter Hippy at the ff^tndow. 

ISpjy. Hufli ! is nobody here l 

Rofa. Nobody. 

iiifjC>' Odraten! this is poaching with a ven- 
gcance— Well ! I've fccn Mr. Pave and he'll 
carry you off— he will ! here's his anfwcr. 

[Gives her a letter. 

Rofa. {reads.") " My dear girl — that the con- 
" traft ma?\ be fulfilled, I'll be near the ladder 
** in an hour, and the fignal fhall be a noife ac 
" the window — ^Your's ever — P^ve." 
Oh charming! charming! What, you came in 
at the balcony by a ladder ? 

Hippy. To be fure I did— Leave old Nick and 

I alone for fixing one— But I muft return to the 

gentleman — So, do you go and get ready, and 

^hen you bear the noiJc at the window, trip 



A C O M E D Y. J7 

down the ladder a tittup, a tittup, a tittup> as 
we laid of che bare you know. 

Rgfa. I will ! I will I But pra]r let the aoif? be 
loud enough. ' . 

Hippy. 'Lo\i<i\ Odraten! I'll fmafli every pane 
iboiier than you., ihan't hear' us — Depend on 
Nicky and I's doing our belt — Good bye, Mifs^ 
and remember the noife. 

Rsfa. Ay, I won't forget — Good bye. 

{Zxit Hi^w at window, 
^nd now I'll go. and get my hat and cl<iak-T-73ir 
Thomas is below with Mr. Latitat, , and the 
e'ledors of the borough— In the hurry of buli- 
hefs, nobody'li think pf our elopement — Oh! 
how I Iraig for the noi,f« at the window^ ^ [Mxit^ 

Enler 'La'tit AT, ,./. 

Latitat. So — ftqlc off unobfervcd— A 'fine 

Quarreling below— The old juftice' wants.Sir 
!harles to be the new niember-^The elcflors 
want a better man, and I, as returning officer, 
infift upon the fame — But all depends upon 
Smalltrade,' he's at the head of the'cot-poration, 
'and as Sir Thomas has fenc for him, I muft over 
hear their convcrfation — ^The fa.St is, the juftica 
wahts to outlhoot the banker — the banker wants 
to outrun the juIlice->— And the attorney wants 
tQ out-bowl them both! Here they come I— 
That 1 may be evidence of all that paflca-r-TU 
e'en let down this curtain — (Jets doion windo'do- 
atrtainand gets bebatd it,) So! this is doiiigthe 
flring genteelly I 



Enter Smalltaade und Str'TnoUAS, 

Sir Thomas. Don't — don''ttalk of.tha.timpof- 
tor— 1 have fccurcdRpfa^s aJioftqgc, and if he 
don't marry her, the contra£t's void— So, u 
we're aioae -~ (^fa^mng door.y Sit down — Su 
tiowii, and let's talk about the c)e£tion. (Tiia 

Smalllrade. I Ihou'd like to h'aVe Teen yoo 
counting your fingers, fecpring the common, 
the canS, and the powder mills — And then tp 
have fccn the blow up ! Oh ! yoil'vc a fine round 
iwad! And what wou'd yog do with thecand? 
Sir7bomas. What! I'd fecure the borough 
by ki for if the eteftors didirt do -as I wiih'd, 
I'd open the lluices and inundate the whole 
town— You cai^- only lay them under contribu- 
cios> butjdam-nae, I can lay.them undjet water. 
^^Youfce, oldfriendj if Sir Charles is the new 
member I have promifed to marry him. to X^y 

' Henrietta— ^Now, the @rft thing he wants, is xa 
^dt yourintereft. 

Smalllrade. And the joext thing is to tske VOf 
^principal, I fuppqfe — Oh, I knowliinQ gFoid— 
The fellow "hasn't a guinea — unlefs indped, he'j 

, kept the one I loft at Faro— No, no j J wjuit 
fome^ood citizen, and I told Latitat .our re- 
turning officer, to find one^ 

Sir Thomas.. Vesi but Sir C.harlfls isthe.9olr 
cantfdate, and therefore— 

• \L9itd ratilit^ at tie zeindow. Latitat peps' 

■ bis btaa out from behind cutt^iny -and mt 

Smalltrads's looking round puts it iackJ\ 

SmStrade. What's diat noife.^ 



A G O M E D Yi 


Sir ^mtas. Nothing buE the wind fluking the 
windows — Therefore I fay, as Sir Chirlea and 
the electors are below, let's go and talktotKern. - 

SmalUrade. Softly— mind you're not tricked 
again — For that Latitat is fuch a. dirty fliuffling 

' ^Loud rattling again. Latitat pops his bead 
eHtj en Smalltraue's lotkiftg rtutsd, puts 
it hack «»f<w».3 

SmalUrade. Now, what the devil's thaf noife? 

Sir Thomas. 'Tis the wind I tell you— It's al- 
ways fo when Its eafterly — Bo, L«'s go dircAljr 
to the eIe£tors, 

Smalitrofie. Ay, there's no talking bufinels in 
this room — So, leave me to nwnage LatiHt-^ 
I'm a match for a lawyer. 

Sir Thomas. Are you ? Then you're a matcK 
for any thing — I hate 'etn all. 
. S»alUra4e. So do I— And I'll Bell you whaiv 
Sir Thomas — inllead of giving tne a day's fporc . 
On your manor, onlyeetme a day's ffiootbg in 
Weftminlter-H^I, anclif I don't wing and pep- < 

nr the whole breed, fay I'm no markimanf and 
Hitat's no rafcal.- '[^ExamK 

' Ltttiiat. (puts his bead ««/.) Upon my. fou^ 
Vrti vcryn>uch obliged toyou— (fWB&r from be- 
hind.'^ A very pleafant fituation ! Abufcd before 
my face, and pelted behind my back ! 

Enter Rosa in her Hat and Cloak. 
Rofa. I've juft heard the noifc at the window, 
and now — ha! 

. ^/M(. Oho! the myftory's out— an itwrigpe, 

. heh i Tjiis is the t}cfk part of the elf £tion» and 

la as 



as they can't make the return without me, I may 
as welt be a party in this caufe-^Hct% I am, ttiy 

Ko/a. Sir ! Heavens ! who are you ? 

Latitat. Me 1 the prettieft fellow living ! I'm • 
a member of ten clubs, and wear twenty difiir- 
cnt uniforms — Initials oq one buttoij, arrowi 
on' another — bruflies on a tliird — feathers on a 
fourth — Then I won the beuglc-horn, got fixty 
notches, rode five races, ow'd ten thoufand 
pounds — Hv'd within the rules— did the thing 
genteelly ! 

Rofa. And has -Mr. Pav5 fcnt you, fir ? 

Latitat. Pave. 

[_Here Pave puts his head cut from b^ind 

Rofa. I tjiink its very hard he didn't come 

Latitat. Pave ! That's the man I pafs'd on as 
Lord Solwin ! Zounds ! if if fhou'd be himr— 
However,, I/won't lofe the girl. — Come, my 
angel! (Taking her band.") 

Rofa. Lord, fir, how am I to know Mr. 
Pave is your friend ? 

Latitat. How? I'll, tell you — livery b.Ofdy 
knows my way of growing rich, is by never 
paying what I borrow, and notwithftanding^His, 
Pavg lent me a thoufand pounds I Now, wasn't 
that friendly ? So, I'll peep at this door to fee 
if any body's watching^ and then — -~(geej t9 
■ fittgeidoorJ) 

Pavi comes forward. 

Psvi. {to Rofa.) My dear girl, defcend the 

ladder— Your friends will proteft you 'till I 

come. \_Exit Rosa at window. 

X Latitat. 


' ' A COM ED "f"-"' 6t 

Latitat. (Jo'okmg round.') NiSbbdy's hew" u?» 
tny ftfect angel !-^ 

Pav^. Isn't there, my dear lord ? So, ■ ftill 
doing the thing genteelly, my boy. 

Latitat. Ah, Mr. Pave, I aflure you, I ant 
moft happy to pay my refpefts to you. {bows.) 

Pttvi. (howin^.) And I aflure you I (hall be 
more happy, if you'll pay me my thoufand 
pounds — (cellaring him.) Give me my money, or 
get me prefcrr'd. 

Latitat. Now don't — pray don't expofe me— 
here in the country I havn't pafs'd for-a lord. 

Pa:vt. For what then, fir? (Jbaking bim.) ' 

Latitat, For a gentleman. [Pave Jbakes bim 
mpre.) I'm Returning Officer or the borough. 

Pave. What ! {Letting bim go.) 
.< Latitat. I'm Returning Officer I fay, and as 
the eleftion takes place in a few hours. 

Pav^. .My dear fellow, I alk you a thoufand 
pardonfr^Io the firft place, I didn't-know there 
was an fiction, and in the next, I little thought 
ybucou'd fo efleiitially aflift — Excufe me, Mr, 
Latitat — Lord Sulwin 1 mean. 

Latitat. Oh, fir, you arc too kind. 

Pavi. Not at all — How has your health been 
fmce 1 faw you ? I recoUeft you had a fiipcrb 
equipage — four fine bays — I hope they're all 
well — And fo, there's an eleftion, my lord. 

Latitat. There is, firj and if any friend of 
your's is a candidate. 

Pavi. There's the point, my lord — I do know 
a gentleman, a very clever gentleman ! — Don't 
think of that little debt you owe me ! And as . 
wf 're alone — hafkye — {jaobi/pers bim.") 

Latitat, You a candidate ! ^ ' 




Pavi. Why DOC i I'm heir to an eftate of lix 

thotifand a year, was near being loa to Mr.- 
WhatVhis-namc, and have a liftof promircK as 
-Jong as the borough-— So do, pray do the thing 

Latitat. I've a great miiu]— it would be fery- 
ing thvfe \vo dd blockheads aa they ddsFV^— 
G^ I will ! Give mc your hand. 

Pavi. Will you ? 

latitat, Hufti ! here's Smailtrade. 
'.. Pavi. What, ojd certificate? 

LatittU, Stand afidc — ^For as bis iiit«te& tmai 
the ifcale, we muft dope him into our fcheme— 
Ik^ml Nocawerd. 

[Pav£ teUtg itt atravtHing great etat^ mifffes 
biiff^, and ^aws his hat tver bis /acCy 
Hfiandt afidcf^ and SuAiiLTSiAO^ ateru 

- latitat. So, Mr. Smailtrade— Sir Carles If 
to be our newnwrnber. 

Smalltradt. Y«, t-ati •— j for want ^ a h^t, 
tcr — Ah ! I wifii we cptt'd have fognd apothor 
. Latitat. Another candidalte, ftr ! 

£L6oks round at Pavc> who hows to bim. 

Smailtrade. Ay-, fotne good citizen — That 
wou'd have given us grand corporation dinners^ 
built a new town-hall — thrown a bridge over 
the fi^cr, and put all his money in my banki.. 

Latitat. Come hcre-^Look behind you. 

Smailtrade. I^ook behind mc L 

Latitat, You fee that gentleman— He'i the 
fon of <~~— Alderman JDouble. 

Smailtrade, Alderman DouUc! What, the 
g^eat London brewer ? 



A C O M E D Y. 63 

' Latitat. The fame — ^He wUhcs to becounc 9. 


SaaUtradx. Does he ? That's die very thing— 
I'll go and talk to him. 

Latitat. Softly-^He ha« been travelling all 
nightj and has 'got a violent jiiain in. his face — X 
teii jrou what— PH fettle terms wrth him, and if 
you've a mj|id> we'll choucc Sir Thomai. , 

Smalltrade. Chouce Sir Thomas ! Ay do> 
you've niy confeot. 

Latitat, Have I f Then HI talie him "and re- 
pjrn him -ac fiBce--Con:ie, Mr. DouhlcT-Mr, 
Smalltrade will cxcufe you're not fpeakihg. 

SmaUfraA. You'll fettle it wi^h Mr. Latitat. 
Ay, I wilh the pai.n in your face better with all 
my iovAr-'fJ^Tic \Mds and makes Jifits . ^.p^iu^ 
k^d/onuiy with int ktofjj.) Senritle ibnl 1 How 
KcU he underllands the ,bufiner»>~Take . him, 
Lati, and I'll ^ and detain the two jjaronets 
*till the return's over— Good day, Mr. Double. 

Latitat. If thisisn't^oiiig the thing genteelly, 
the devil's in't. [£*■// with Pave. 

Swu^.ade. There goes'jthe young .d^nnaa 
— FoorSicChadcsl poorold Roun^qad ! Oh I 
if I.^WBifuch a,ftupid blodfihtad'l Rue I dan'c 
know how it is— we country bankcrt are ttever 
impofed upon. [£)»'/• 



&» HOW TO Gil.pW RICH: 

SCEN^ 'lif.'--/»/fdSf of J/r'tMOMAs's Gofdm,-^ 
. -GtirdmG^tintbehatkStene. ' 

Enter La^ .Hbkriitta^ . .,., : 

..Lady HenrUtia. (residing.) 

" "the tender pair, whom rtititual favours 
" ' " bind, ' " 

" Love . keeps , united, though by AJp* 

{^isjoio'di ' _ ■ _ . ' ■_ 

" To paffion ill retufny flioit bounds ai** 

.' ftt, .■■ ■ 

*^\ The lover that's forgotten *1U forger." 

And'iwhat have I to do withtliat? As I was 
never in love, I can never forget— And yec it's 
very odd I' fliou'd juft hit on that paflage-r— 
Hcigho !. I wonder where Mr. Warford is. 


Kt& me, firt you take one fo by fur|M-^ze— T 
thoAgbt I-fiiou'd never-fee you agaiA. 

Waffer'd, And now, maaam, you fee me 'for 
the iaft time. 
: Lady Henrietta. The Iaft time I -. 
Warford Yes ; Sir Charies has crulh'd all my 
hopes of happinefs, asd I have prevail'd on my 
uncle to let mc leave England for ever. 

Ladf Henrietta. Leave England ! Oh, I beg 
your pardon, fir— You can't do that. 
Warford No, madam 1 

Lady Henrietta, No, fir— you recoHedl you 

and I muH: fettle accounts Br((, for you don't ' 




fuppbfe ni let you be out of my (ighc while I 
owe yQU an- cil>ligation t A pretty thing indeed 1 
To lend a lady a thoufatid peunds, and then go 
abroad and compel her to come after you to re- 
pay you. 

Warford. Lady Henrietta, I am miferablc — 
1 have lived under the fameroof with a-trcafure 
1 now fee given to another! But I alone am to 
blame— It was prefumption, in my humble 
$cuation> to afpire to fuch excelicnce, and I now 
meet the rewani' my arrogahce dcferves. (going.) 

Laify Hemietta. Stay, Mr. Warford — Juft let 
me fet you right about one thing. There arc 
people, fir> that can diftinguifh merit in obfcu- 
rity— Nay, can admire it too— I for inftance 
now, can perceive, that while I poffefs nothing 
from rank and birth, you- gain every thing from 
virtue and honour. 

Warford. This language overpowers me — 
And if I thought I was even pitied 

La^ Henrietta. Pitied ! Oh, Mr. Warford, 
doesn't the man who fliunn'd me in the hours of 
diniparion, and returned to me in the day of 
diftrefs, deferve fomething more than pity ?■— 
Yes i— and as this is the iaft time we Ihall ever 
meet, let me avow my gratitude— my efteem! 
*tct me be proud to tell you^ that had I my own 
choice, I wou'd give my hand where my heart 
has been long difpos'd of. 
■ Warford. Is it poffible? Can the humble, 
defcrtcd Warford be fo bleft ? 

Lad/ Henrietta. You defcrvc every thing, fir — 
But, go, go, and be happy— Find out fonrc 
'feirwho may return your love, nor ever think 
of one itk loft, fo wretched as myfelf ! 

K Warfcrd. 



Warford. I caprtot .leave you thus! I'll fcC. 
your uncle, appeal to his humanity ! Nay, you 
arc not Sir Charles Datzle's yet. 

Enter Mifs DAZZts. 

Mijs Dazzle. No — but (he will be prefently— 
This is your laft tele d tete I affure you, 

Lady HenrUtta. Is Sir Charles elefted iben ? 

M^s Dazzle. He is — What, you thought if 
he loft the eleftion, you wou'd lof? him. 

Lady Henrietta. Certainly, madam— rl. knew 

Sir Thomas dcfign'd me for the fucccfsful capr 

didate, and you'll pardon me — if I cou!^, have 

cliofen a dearer reprcfentative than yojir. brother. 

[Huzza witheut and Mufic^ 

Mi/s Dazzle. There !- do you hear thole accla- 
mations ? Now, Mr. Warford, you may take 
leave of the charming Henrietta, and make 
your bow to my fiftcr, Lady Dazzle. 

. Warfordi .Ungenerous woman ! Is it Qot- 
enough to triuiriph. 

^.Mere buzzaitig v)iltout. 

.Enter Sir Thomas Roundhead, 

Sir Thomas. There ! It's all over — Sir Charle*- 
is elected, and I've at laft got a fenator for my 
heir ! Mifs Dazzle, I g^ive you joy. 

Mrjs Dazzle. And I give you joy. Sir Tho- 
mas, — and you, Lady Henrietta — and you Mr. 
Warford — Come, fliall_we go and fee the pro- 
ccfiion ? 

Sir Thomas. Certainly — [_Exit Mifs Dazzh.J 
Niece, do you wait here to receive your huf- 
band. Sir Charles Dazzle, 

I IVarford, 



Warfctd. This is beyond bearing— Sir Tho- 
mas, hear me. 

Sir fbemas. I'll hear nothing — Henrietta, 
wait to receive the new member. 

Eiiier Smalltrade. 

Snialltrade. Now, where are you going ? 

Sir Thomas. To congratulate Sir Charles on 
his elcftion,. to be fure. 

Staa^ade. Are you ? then you , may as well 
U^ where you are. 

SirTh'omas. Why fo, old Smallrrade ? 
• Smailtrade. I'll tell you, old Roundhead — he 
has loft the cleftion. 

Omnts. Loft the eleAion ! 

Smailtrade. Yes j the young alderman has it — 
Double's the man 1 

Sir Thomas. Double's the man ! 

Smailtrade. Yes j it's all my doin^Now how 
■ look — I fay, your worfliip, doesn*C 
this remind yoy of counting your fingers ? Oh, 
you old flat ! 

Sir Tbomaf. Why, what is aU this? And 
who the devil's Dogble ? 

Smailtrade. A great brewer and the fon of an 
alderrtian I Latitat found him put, and has 
managed the whole bofmefs himlelf? Now, 
^an't yog prettily outwitted ? And won't you 
allow that a banker's head is twice as deep as a 

Sir Thomas. Hold your tongue, or— 

Smailtrade. Curfe me, but if I t.hought I 
ihdu'd ever be.fuch an- old flat as _ you, if I 
wou'dn't build powde.r mills on purpofe to blow 
myfclf up in!— (Kwfi wiVi&oa;.)— Here he is I 

' '^ K J here's 



here's the new member I 1 ordered Latitat to 
bring him here, that you might fee with your 
own eyes, what a ftupid fool we have made of 

Sir nomas. Did you ? I'm very much obliged 
to you— But DO brewer or aWerman enters my- 
garden — Here, William ! Thomas! (Going.) ■ 

SmalUrade. {botdingbm') Now do— Stay and. fee 
how much you've expofed yourfclf. 

Sir Thomas. I won't — Let me go. 

Smalltrade. You fli'a'n'K— here they come. 

\ljmg jUioriJh of Qariiuts, Tnaapets, 6?^. 

Enier IVve cbair'a^t .wiAb EleSers, Rosaj and 
Latitat. , . 

Pav^. (as be ent-ers) Gentlemen, you have 
return'd inc -as your reprefemative, for which I 
return you my moft hearty thanks, and to fliew 
my gratitude, I invite all the country, — men, 
■women, and dhildren,' to dine with Sir Thomas 
to-day, -4nd to fup with little-Certificate in the 
•evening, (turning round) Huzza! I'vcdoneitat 

Sir Thomas. Smalltrai^, who's an old flat now ? 

SmalUrade. I am doubted, by all that's ridi^ 

Sir Thomas. Doesn't this give you a ticklifli 
■fcnfation ? Isn't a banker's head twice as deep 
as a juftice's ?— And won't you build powder 
mills to blow yourfelf up in P 

SmaUtrade. So, Mr. Pain - in - the- face, (C^ 
Latitat) You and die young alderman here 
have done it. 

Latitat. Yes} we've done the thing gentecHy! 
But don't be angry — the new member means to 
be liberal. / 




Paps. Ccrtaiftly-'-if either of the lionourablc 

■gemlemen in my eye want franki. . . 

Sir 7hamas, Franks ! — Sirrah—'— 
Paix. Order, Tommy — Opder— Harkye, ol4 
Certificate ! {{Vbifpers.SiAKU.:r%.MiS;,') 

Smal^rade, How l You'll move to . abolifli 
.country banks! 

Sir>3^fnmu. Ay* do: — ril feoand duit ta^ 

Pave. Come Jierc, Tommy, {wiifpers bim.) 
Sir Thomas, How 1 Move to ftop ctDol £111;- 
singf , , ■ ^ 

SmalUrade. Ay, do : — I']! fecond -that niaciea! 
L^kat. And flncaurage atiorniei, ^ -i^offl do 
-d^ -thing gmeeejty. 

Pxvi. Now I'm proraoiRd, I aan'be aJjettor 
■patron than Sir Charier— I'll prefer you .all. 

Rofa. TiViJlyou? — that's charming. 
. Panji. To you, Lariws, d ^givc up year debt 
*— To you. Tommy, 1 jcflxuie your contraft, io 
you, old Certificate, J givte my liA of proniife$, 
xa yaa ija6y Heanietta, I give the man . .you 
love— And laftly, to you, Rofa, I give ohe belt 
pr«lqit of all, for I give you myKlC .tny dear 
girl, and next to Mr. WhatVhts-Aame, dam'tne, 
if I know a finer fellow. 

Lady Henrietta. Nor I — Will yeu confenc, Mr. 

Rofa. Will you. Sir Thomas f 
Lady Hfttrielta. We'll put all our money In 
thg country bank. 

Rojd. And I'll never poach on the manor as 
long as 1 live. 

Sir Thomas, Smalltrade ! 
SmalUrade. Roundhead ! 
Sir7bomas. Shall we? 




Smdllirade. Aye; we have fkewh ourfetres (uch 
a couple of old flats, that we can't expofe our- 
selves any further — Here, Warford, take Lady 
Henrietta, and depend on't, my fettlemcRt (ball 
be equal to the juilice's. 

Sk-Tb^mtu. And you, fir, (jo Pavi.) fince 
you are become a fenator, take old MediunL>'s 
daughter— One half of my eftate. goes to Hen- 
rietta — the other to you — that is, on condition 
you fecure tne the road— the common— the-« 
\countml agaa.) 

Pavi. Softly, fir, foftly — Counting may be 

Lsdf Henruita, And now, as moft of us have 
tried different ways of growing rich, let iis ac- 
knowledge, that whi>e Sir Charles's plan has 
been the word, Watford's, has prov'd the-beft— 
for had the time the fonner waded in diOipation 
and deception beeh .employed like the latter, 
in honefty and induftry. Sir Chn-les had now, 
like Warford, been ridi and happy. 

SiffalUrade. Aye, application and oeconomy 
is the fureft' road to richeG.- - 

P<evi. No— I'll ihew yda z.- better way— by 
gaining patronage and promotion here I 

Here let uur friends around fupport our 

And we'll grow rich indeed — by their ap- 





{Ifh'iiex hj Miles Petes Akkkewi, E/q.} 
AnJSpohn hj Mr. LEWIS, .« th CiamSer of fxti. 

BeWoLD the hero, who with motives finifler. 
Thought lie had got the daaghter of the aiiufto-t 
Thought too of gettiag from the nuptial fuft. 
Twenty young Ptivj-ConnfelloK at leaft; 
Nowwifemuft becooteniif wc^candilh up ^, 
A little Alderman, or tiny Bifliop— 
I>ad u a Mlnifter, but of a fort 
That look for better places than at court; 
Our new relations now will flock by dozeni, -. , . 

I Ihall be teiz'd to death by calTock'd couGna— ' ' 
Dear coz, accept my pray'r. and my thank fgiviitg-^ 
You live but to do good — Give me that living — 
A motley groupe we are, of faiati and dinners — < 
No birth-day fuits, no minillerial dinntrsl 
Dinners indeed we have, wiihclaflickgiy. 
Backgammon — ftne October, and a pig; 
But where's the levee troop, who fag and drudge it, 
The fcrip, the loan, the omnium and the budget 1 

All wou'd grow great like me, yet all defpife 
The humble path which led them firft to rifc — 
The purfe-proud iradefman, bred ^t Norton Kalgue, 
Grows tir'd of city fcafts and clubs at Aldgate ; 
Maiiam, his lady too, is fick at heart. 
With gaping daily at a Thames-ftreet cart, — 
My fpoufe, (he cries, let's move to Grov'nor-fqtiate. 
You'll foon be better duck, in better air. 
Then we (hall fee fine folks, and have tine touts. 
One can't get nothing tally hereabout*, 
Vitcels are coaifc, and company quite coarfcrcr. 
And your poor cough grows worferet and worferer, 

_ Pert Mifs and Mailer — Scions of the Hock, 
With equal xhet'ric urge the parent block. 
Father, cries Dicky, let's live near St. Jarae***—, 
PalUMali and Piccadilly ! I'here the game is ! 



We get no rrtoiey heije^ theif'ff none tb len^ ''>'•' 

Thecifj- bow's as bate ni t'other end I 
NoihinghiHpapet— thaiindeedispkntyt ■ 

fiat not a guinea calli — I'll hoM yoa twenty 

Suppftfe tiitt-chamiiig pany fivKT and fettled. 
Stating at belles high plnm^ and bucks high mettled t .- 
Mifs undertakes to fcbool hQ^boifleroas brother. 
Aided by hints from her fagMHons mother-^ 
Now, Dicky, fisce the guaitis abroad are gone, 
Copy the fmaris, aitd you may pafa fbr one — 
Have at yonr kneed .long firings and little buckles. 
With fcartet waiftcoat-flee»es below ydar knuctclea j. 
Have a great coat, fcaree half way down yolir back. 
Your chin quite burled in a inaDin fack .' 
Hare— though "(011 (hi rt, there's nt) greataiaed of any. 
Have— A fig's end, cri* Dick, gO teach yoar grantiy, 
Mud your own diefs, yoof^mfes, and your gingtims, 
■your two-inch wiilV, and allyourbunch of thingumsl 
A man nwy marry now without much fear. 
His wife's flu^ won't befpoii'd within theyeai! 
You fail Hke fmBggler& for illicit trading, 
Under fal&^outSi with falfe Ults of lading I 
Whailadii^*, brother? Why, tH'Pad, Mifs Sophy! 
Fn made a fcifure, and fee h6tc's the trophy. 

One word our Batd— ouridves to recomntend-^ 
%'c w!lh tohsgh, buliKYeitD ofleud. 



C .0 M 5 P 1^ 

t IT It rixroitHSD a 


■4. - . '■, -'V f'(' ^■ 

a- '^- fc- . h^y 



■ *; : a o AT D jv 



' '-ioglf 



Nomina!, ----- Mr. Lewis. 

Col. Hubbub (bis Guardian) Mr. QurcK, 
Sir Andrew Acid, - - - Mr. Wilson, 
Lord Jargon, - - - - Mr. Munoek, 

Clairville (bis Brptber) - Mr. Farreh. 
Saunter, ----- Mr. Davies, " 

James, ------ Mr. Farley. 

O'Whaok, . - , - Mr. Johnstone. 

Lady Add, - - - 
Sophia Strangeways 1 

Mrs. Webb. 
Mrs. Wells. 

(H^ardto Sir Akdrew J 

'iioj\on^( NiecetoColHubbiib)Mxi. Esten. 

SCINI— Irf»(/PB. 




Writttn hy Robert Merry, Efq^ 

Of all profeflions which have claim to pity. 

The WDift is his, who lives by being witty ; 

For with light purie, fpare diet, and final] glee, 

Tis very hard to make a Comedy. 

Rich men, and Lords, may writs extremly fine. 

Give Claret and Champaigne inev'ry line; 

^ut our poor Author, of a diferent Ibrr, 

Fears he can only offer humble Port. 

Yet, as his guefts have fomctimes IhoWn him favour. 

He hopes, tho' it be new, you'll like the flavour. 

Oh 1 think an inflant on a writer's pains. 

Who, for your entertainment, racks his brains ; 

Whole months alone, in chamber full of fmokey 

He fits with fighs to meditate the joke; 

And far remov'd from mirthful recreation. 

Labours to find a comic lituation. 

'Tisfurely fomewhat difficult tofeize 

The moment vibin, the manner how to pleafe; 

For fnarling Critics, wond'rous wife and abt^ 

Pronounce it trick to hide beneath a table ; 

Or if a buck'balket we now fhould fhow. 

They'd fay, *' the fad buffoonery was low." 

To make you laugh they desm a heinous crime. 

Condemn all llage-effe£t, as Pantomime ; 

Andftill demand, what never wasdifplay'd, 

A perf«£t piece, or light without a Ibade. 



In fpite of tkii, our igonizing Bard, 
3edcs from your hands, his noblefl, bcft rewani j 
And dares, regaidlcfs of Illib'ral ftrifc, 
Expofe the fopperies of nud/rn lift. 
But if [dutyoufomenoveltymay fee) 
He fbouldoutAep fur nature's motiCfty, 
Reflet bovr often (he Dramatic irines 
Have lanfdclc'd been, of ev'ry gem that (hines } 
Nor let on biin your hafty cenfures fall. 
Who would b(^ if be cou'd, trigiiuU 



' fPritttu hj Milks Pkter Andrews, Efq. 
AadSpdcen hj Mr. Lewis, in the Charaiier ofHavntiKU 

OifeE more^ my friends, here's Nominal the glorioos. 
Again attempting to be more notorious. 

What's life without it ? Alk the Buck, the Wit ; 
The fkfiiion'd Peer, and the no-lafluon'd Cit. 
Renown's the word—Men, Women, Girls and Boys, 
Write, fight, game, drink, and drefs to make a noife. 
•■ Dam'me, Tm up to that, cries Bobby Crop, 
** No fellow in tiie town (hall me out-top ; 
■ " I'll have a dock as clofc as young Lord Wizen, 
*' For dam'me, an't my head asthickas his'nf" 
Then, likeaiighting cock,trimm'd Ihortand bare. 
He mounts his fpura, and crows away— look there .' 
What crowds of defp'rate heroes iall for fame. 
And lofe their charaiSers to raife a name. 

See the line wife of fome plain country 'Squire, 
To cv'ry town-bred folly fwift afpire— • 
See her each night, with all the force fhe's able. 
Fly to be talk'd of at the Faro table — 
Fat Mrs. Ducklcg whifpen to her fpoufe, 
Why, Hubby, love, I knows now what I knows. 
Look what a thriving man is neighbour Witlle, 
It's all becaufe his wife Ihows ofFa little. 
Had I line clothes, I have a manner toc^ 
And you might hold your head as others do. 
But coopt up thus^ like a mecr hoddy-doddy, 
Nobodyknows that one is any body. 



Thui wide difiiis'd thro' all this buftling towtt 
Reigns the flrong principle of being known-— 
Above the reft— amongft the wits moft witty , 
In drefs and talk,'t your JcnHny-front the city. 
His coat, by fome unlucky tayior trufled^ 
Hangs olFhis back, as going to be dufted ; 
While in the Upper Boxes, fully known. 
He fports a language which is qinte his own/ 
« Eh, Jack! On Change to day? How goes Lot. Tick ? "> 
•• Ha — fecn Bob's Curricle — it goes curft quick. J, 
*' TheBiHkler fays — 'twixtus — itgoesontick-^- \ 
" Been dipping, hey, at Margate or at Brighton i 
"Touch'd ten kft night, and ev'ry one a light erne. 
" Hey, Tom, how do? — Oti, isthatyou,Dick Docket! 
" You've ftoic my Hick — No, damme, it's In my pocket." 
There's. proof enough, we truft you will agree. 
That life's great aim^ is Notoriety. 
Our E^ard and I, acknowledge both this feature^ 
And hopewc fh^ be known by your goodnature. 




f A C T I. , 

SCENE, ^ j^artmeia at Sir Andrew'*— 
Two Boon open in Flat — Bells ring. 

Enter JKUZifromDeor, and amber Servant. 


BU N — ^fly— fcampcr — Don't you hear the 
company are breaking up ? — Call Lord 
)n's carriage. 

Lady Acid afpeart at Doer, cwtjjing as if taking 


Lady A. Good night, my Ijsrd — Delightful 

man f I am determined he (hall be in po^fiion 

B of 



of Konoria — if it's Only in return for his ittKh- 
ment to me. — James, call up the carriages, and 
fee the company difpofed ef— I'm fo utigued ! 
— Heigho !— Scvea o clock again ! I hav'nt 
been to bed any fooaer this fortnight. 

Sir Andrew (without). 
Sir Andr. Whcre.arc all the fer\-ants ? 


I^dy jf. Here's my fretful bufband juft got 

up! He's fo old-fefliioned, and fo four — He's 

never pleafed, but when others are vexed — and 

never unhappy, but when his firiends are happy. 

Enter Sir Andr ew, in Night-Gotvn and Cap, 
So, my life ! — juft got up, I fuppofc ? 

Sir Andr, So, my foul — juft going to bed, I 
ftippofe' — What! at the old work — Rout, ball, 
or concert, heh ! Making fools happy with my 
money ? 

Lady A. Pffia ! you've no idea of life. 

Six AnJr. No— but! have of death — ItwouM 
kill me in a fortnight — Befidcs, every body 
laughs at you — Not ooe of youracquainiaoce — >■ 
■who, by the bye, have loved and hated each 
other all round — but, on leaving the room, ex- 
claims — " Well ! it's very fine ! mighty grand ! 
Bui will it laft ? Won't there be a cnrfb by and 

Lady A. Ridiculous, Sir Andrew ! An't I 
vifited by every body? Don't all the beau- 
monde attend Lady Acid's panics ? 

Sir jhdr. The beau-monde ! Why, they'll 

vilit any body that is fool enough to invite them* 

— j-«t who will give an expenfirc enteitainmeoc, 




• they'll flock to it, like rooks about a riiin. — B\.S 
tliis won't do — It's fcyen o'clock, and I tnuft 
be eating.-i— Here — you Sir (^Enter. James)^ bring 
tny breakfall. 

yamfj. Break&ft!— What, here. Sir? [£*(/. 
Sir Jndr. Yes ; — here. Sir. — 1 am fure the 
bcau-monde (as your Ladyfliip calls them) wDl 
have no objeiftion to fometningfubftantiaL Poor 
devils ! at thefe fort of parties they get nothing 
to feed on but fcandal and faro. 

Lady .^. Provoking, Sir Andrew ! — You're 
. always teafing and vexing me; and I inCft on 

knowing what part of my conduft 

Sir j^dr. Hold — don't fuppofe I fufpeft your 
character. — No — 'midft all your gaieties, I ftill 
believe you to be fo conllant and honourable, 
that there's no indulging oncfelf in finding fault 
^ith you. 

Lady ^. If you don'r think fo, your coufin 
Polonel Hubbub do5s, or he would never have 
tnifted me with the care of his niece Honoria, 
— But I leave you to your ill-nature. 

Sir j4ntir. Ay; goto bed — You to your pil- 
low — I to my coffee. 

Lady-^. Mind me. Sir — If you fee Honoria, 
gfvc her the advice I defired you.— Tell her the 
Colonel has written for his ward, Mr. Nominal, 
to challenge that wretch ClairviUe, and that I 
fliall do all in my power to give her to Lord 
Jargon — And fo, good night, moft good-hu- 
mour'd hulband ! 

Sir Jndr. And fo, good morning, moft fweet- 

tcmper'd wife ! [Exit Lady J/} I've made her 

unhappy, however. — 'Gad, I don'i know how it 

is, I like to fee every body's &ce as long as my 

B a own. — 



ova.—(_Breakfafi brought is) Here it comes— ^ 
And here's the paper. (Sits down, and takts 8p 
mwJ^aferS) Now for it ! — Now for bid news ! 
*' Theatre Royal — New Comedy." — Pfha ! mak- 
ing people grin and diilort thnr faces. — Give 
me a deep, horrible, agreeable Tragedy— 
" Bankrupts."— Ay, here they are — " Od&— 
« two— three— thirteen."— Come, very well ! 
—that's very well I — " Promcoions.*' — There 
they are with their curil joy £^ain I—** Stocks 
fallen one and a half."— 6ome lame ducks, how- 
ever—" Marriages— ten."— Well ! long life to 
you, for you'll be as miferabl cm 

Enter HovoRiA (from Doors). 

Hm. Dear Sir, ten thoufand pardons— rl 
thought to have found your ward Mif^ Strange- 
ways here. 

Sir jindr. Sit down> Honoria, lit down— rl 
waat to talk to you — Come, take fome breakfaft. 

Hon. Brcakfeft !— I hav'n't been to reft yet— . 
You forget the joys of high life. Sir ! 

Sir jindr. Joys l-r-She's happy tqo ! — Um ! 
—Silly, ignorant girl, to take plcafure in fuch 
unmeaning fcenes ! 

Hon. Pleafure ! They give me pain. Sir— -mi- 

Sir^«^r. Do they? Take fome breakfaft. 
(Offers berjome.) 

Hm. What have I been doing to-night. Sir i 
— Talkingto meni deteft, and lifteningto women 
1 defpife-r-mixing with people who have neither 
feeling, amity, nor fenfe. — This I have done for 
years, and tins I mul^ ftill perferere in ; for i;iy 


A C O M E D Y, "j 

ieducation has taught me to fmile when I was 
miferable, and to be &fhionable at the expence 
of my peace. 

SiiMdr. Sweet creature ! How prettily flic 
prattles I Go on. 

Hm. Yes, Sir ; with a nfind naturally attached 
to domeftic happinefs, I am compelled to de- 
ride all peaceful fcenes, becaufe my uncle, tha 
Colonel, who has cruelly delivered me to the 
care of your wife. Sir— But 1 interrupt you — I 
fee I do — ru keep my furrows to myftlf. 

Sir Andr. Don*t— don't keep them to your- 
felf— X like to hear you talk about forrow and 
mifery ; and if you know of any more elTewhero, 
you'll not offend me. by imparting it ! But now 
I think on't, tell me diat unlucky itory of the 
fellow afcending your window by a rope ladder. 

Hen. Fellow ! Sir Andrew ! When you are 
more refpedful, I'll talk to you— till when— 

Sir Andr. (fiops ber.) Stay — be not offended 
■ — I'll fympathize with you, Honoria — 111 give 
you figh for figh, and tear for tear. Come, 
make me your confidant, and you (han't re- 
pent it. — Nay, you muft — you (hall — I do love 
to hear a tale of woe ! 

Hon. (fitting.) Oh, Sir! how have I bcea 
jlandered and de&med ! I never knew Mr. 
Clairville but as a friend — as a protestor : that 
we had fecret meetings I cannot deny; but X 
was never alone — your ward Sophia was always 
prefent — and (he will witnefs lo the world that 
he was too honourable to make bafe propofals, 
and I too unfa(hionab!e to accept them. 

Sir 4ndr, Go on — I like to hear you, Honoria. 
- If 



If I remember, 'your acqgaiptance began at (be 
.Colonel's villa in the Ifle of Wight, when you 
were failing, and fell from the veirel. 

Han. Yes, Sir^ and tvhile his brother, Lord 
Jargon, and other foplings of the party, who 
before had offered up their lives to ferve me, 
while they Hood idly on the deck, and faw m^e 
jull: expiring — Clairville, then a flranger, lejpcd 
from another veffel, and, plunging midft the 
waves, caught me in his arms, and brought me 
fafc to land.— Then came the conflift— The 
Colonel's boat, by adverfe winds, was blown 
from Ihore ; and I and my deliverer remained 
part of that day alone.— I faw,~ cotnpared, an^ 
loved — his heart beat in unifon with mine ; and 
now. Sir, do you pity or condemti me ? 

Sir Andr. I pity you, pity you fincerely, and 
curfe the Colonel for placing you under the care 
of my wife, becauie I know (he defigns you for 
Lord Jargon— But Nominal, whom your uncle 
intends for your hufband, is hourly expeifted 
from France. 

Ikn. Talk not of that, Sir ; for I dread the 
confequences of his arrival. — The night Clair- 
ville was difcovered in my apartment, the Colonel 
told him he would fend for his ward Nominal, 
to avenge the injured honour of his family ! 6h, 
Sir, if a duel fhouU cnfue! — Yet, if Clairville 
receives my letter, that and other ills may h^ 
prevented {ttjide) — Butfomebody is coming, Sir 
—allow me to retire. 

Sir Andr. Do, and depend on my proteflion, 

JHonoria — I am always a friend to the unhappy. 

—Good morning. [Exit Henoria.'] So, there 

goes Mother long focel— Here's my ward, the 




tdebrated MifsStrangeways— She's an authoreft, 
an at^refs, a mulician, a painter, and, in Ihort,' 
every thing. — I know (he's in love with me, 
and I'll ^ve die lads&dion of tealuig her 
foul out. 

Enter Mifs Strangeways (with a Paper in htr 

Sophia. Pofitively, I will be revenged.— The 
Colonel does nothing but make love to me.— 
Heigho ! I'm fo fatigued, Guardy — and it's in 
vain going to bed, I've fo many places ta 
celII at. 

Sir j^dr. What I all over the town, as ufual }■ 
Sophia. Yes ; firft I'm going to Lady Buftle's, 
to finilh my pidure of her little French lap-, 
dog — then to call at the bookfeller's, and correift 
the prefs — then to leave this farewell ode to 
tuy dear JuggUnuntha, at the newfpaper o£ce. 

" Oh ! thou, whofe amaranihinc fillings know 
" The iron agonies of copper woe," 

Sir ^nJr. Iron agonies of copper woe! That's 
a Hne line, and charmingly didreHing. 

Sophia, Yes ; and then I'm going to rehcarfe 
a new tragedy at the private Theatre ; and, if 
you'll beheye me, my dying fcene is yet un- 

Sir Andr. That's a great pity, Sophia — for I 
think the dying fcene the belt part of the 

Sophia. Yes; but one inCfts on my dying on 
one Gde of the ftage, another, on the other.— 
Now, what am I to do ? 




Sir Ai^. Whf, wh^ many great politicians 
have done before you— die between bodi fides. 
— But, my angel, when am I to be hoooored 
with an aflignation — a t£te-a-t£te, heh ? 

Sophia. Fie, Guardy ! — You know I told you 
I loved you better than the Colonel, and— 
that I'd make fools of you both befcwe I'd done 
with you. (JJide.) 

CWhack (witbout). 

CfWhaek. (■aitbout.) Arrah ! ftand by now ! 
I am the valet de chambre to Mr. Nominal. 

Sir Judr. As I live. Nominal is arrived ! This 
is his Irifli fervant, who, to his brogue, has 
joined a fmattering of French — Do- ftay and 
bear him. 

So^ia. What ! mix Irifli with French I 

Sir jindr. So it feems ; and he fo confounds 
the two languages, he is fcarcely intelligible— 
But here he comes. 

Enter O'Wrack, foUazved k;f Jambs, 

O'fFhack. Men Dieu ! you dirty blackguard I 
don't you know me by my politefle ? Jomle^ 
man and lady, your moft obedient^By the red 
nofe of Sfunt Patrick I am toute nouveau ; and, 
d'ye fee, I would be after fpaking to my naafter's 
guardian. Colonel Hubbub. 

Sir Aidr. How is your matter ? Is he as An- 
gular as his guardian delcribes him f 

Sophia. Singular ! Wbat, is lie like the Co- 
lonel, Sir Andrew ? 

Sir Atdr. The im^e of him — ^While at col- 
lege his love of notonety firft difpUyed itfelf ; 
4 but 


A C O M E D Y. 9 

but by living entirely with Englllh abroad, he 
is become as eccentric and abfurd as the Colonel 

O'fVhack. By the powers ! you've hit it — Ma 
foi ! he is toujours wanting to get into notice ; 
and between our three felves, he keeps me as his 
valet, frizeur, and all that, only bccafe I per- 
plex, and make a noife, and am quite au fau at 
botheration wherever I go. 

Sophia. Pray, what brings Mr. Nominal fo 
fuddenly from France? Isn't it fomething about 
an affair of honour ? 

O'Whack. Oui; you may fay that— He is 
come to challenge one Clairville for getting into 
the window of Mademoifelle Honoria : and to 
be fure he won't give the young feducer a little 
fnug dejeun^ of cold lead. 

Soplna. 'Tis fo then— Poor Clairville ! 

Sir Andr. Tell us now, had you a pleafant 
journey ? 

0*Wback. Pleafant ! Oh ! by the eternal powers, 
tout au contraire, my dear : we were flopped, and 
robbed, and murdered ; that is, we (hould have 
been, but for a fine young haroe, who came and 
refcued us ! Marbleu ! he made them ikip like 

Sir jbiir, A robbery and a duel ! This jour- 
ney may produce much pleafing diftrefs — Pray, 
who was diis young haroe ? 

O'Wback. Jc ne f9ai pas, honey — But you may 
talk of your C^fars, Cleopatras, and Paddy- 
Whacks — he beats all your champions of pofte- 
rity. — Oh ! had you fcen, when my mafter and I 
were fprawling, how he laid about him with his 
bit of timbers-Depend on't, as our fille de cham- 
C bre 



bre laid,' the ftiUlaly- is the Que je hef9aiquQl, 
'after all. 

Sophia. A very entertaining fellow, Sir An- 
drew.— ^"What's yournamc, friend ? 

(yfVback. Blunder O'Whack, Jonttertiad ! 
The Blunders are the oldeft fomily !n Ireland-^- 
We wdro [Wanted there 'like fo many potatys, 
by a great General, who was afterwards Lbrd 
Lieutenant to King — Whatd'yc call thc'old 
■ tnbiiarque ? — Oh ! King- Lear— -Ay, that's' it— 
'King Lear. 

Sophia. King Lear ! 

0'**»c*.C'eft -wai, Mifs— ^and ^erthat, 

'the family go( a curfl tumble abdut the reignof 

Jack Cade— Pardotonesmoi, rho'-— I forget my 

bufinefs — ^I ihuft be after informiflg die Golariel 

of his ward's arrival. 

Sir"^^. S^are'yourfclf the trouble, Mr. 
' 0*Whack-^Colonel Hubbilb is not herc-J-but 
I'll take care to inform him. 

(yWback.- Je vous retnercic, my dearM-But 
' dayou mindnow — depcthez- vous j- and teil-him, 
"my msfter'sfo particular in his peifonand man- 
ners, thac you may hear oftiim any where^- 
'Monfieur, good luck to you !-J-My Lady, j'ai 
I'honneur d'etre tres-humble ferviteur ! — Oh I 
by my foul! the trae cdtome il-fiiut's better 
than whifltey. {Exit. 

Sepkia. If the fervant is a pidlore of themafter, 
Kominal will have too much good humour to 
quarrel with Clainrille. — 'Faith ! I almoft love 
him by defcription^-But I muft leave you— 
GUaxdy, adieu ! 

Sit mdr. Nay, don't hurry, my angel— it's 
' too (bon for the dying fcene. 

2 Scpbia, 


jiBft&u. Mwowic!;— butfifftl'ni.goi^tQfce- 

A fiieod. 

Sir ^/(i^. Sec a friend ! Then priy ht m?, go 
with you ; for that's a thing I never faw in my 
life. [£*«(«/. 

SCENE, TJf Park. 

Enftr O'Whack, -witb Books under bis Arm. 

0*Wback, By Saint Dennis ! thefe law. gen- 
tlemen are as heavy — I wonder what my m^r 
would be after with them. Ce me &it rien — 1. 
inuft take them home as he ordered mc 

Smttr Sauntbk C^'^ '^'^ ^^^*^l ^^ ^^ 

Saun. Aftonifliing! Ineverfawamanfodreffcd 
walk the ftreets before. Who can it be ? (?ar»- 
ing round, Jees O'lVbask^ who hows to Ai«iJ— Ha ! 
O Whack ! how came you here ? Woat, is your 
mafter, my old college friend, returned from 
his travels ? 

O'lVhack. Oui, your honour — et la voil^ ! 
there be is ! 

Saun. What, is that Nominal I Well, this is 
exjcellent ! — 1 knew Nominal aWays loved fin- 
gularity ; but I never thought he'd make him- 
ftlf fp particular, that his friends fliou'dn't know 

O'^nck. C'eft extraordinaire, my dear — but 

wiUi all bis odditiesj you can't help loving him. 

C2 -Oh! 




—Oh ! his heart is as warm as I'cau de vie, and 
his foiil— by St. Patrick, the reft of the world's 
all blarney to him ! 

Enter Nominal. 

Nm. Ah, Saunter, my dear fellow I Well, 
what do you think ? Won't it do ? Sha'n'i I 
take, hch ? — Harkye, I have them already. 

Sautt. Have ! Whom ? 

JVeiM. Every body, you dog, every body! 
I've got a name — they ftarc at me — point at 
me — -laugh at me every where. An't I a happy 
fellow, heh ? 

Sam. If happioefs confifts in being laughed 
at, you are — But, Nominal, wou'dn't it be as 
well to be known for being rational, as being 
ridiculous ? 

Norn. Rational ! Flhoo ! A plain fenfible man 
is never thought of now. Who the devil ever 
thinks or cares about fuch a fober, honeft fellow 
as you — who pay every body, and offend no- 
body? — But I now — fuch a rogue as I, who pay 
nobody, and offend every body — why, they all 
like me. They court me as a new acquaintance, 
not cut me as an old friend, my boy. 

Sam. Well, every man in his way — For my 
part, I deteft fingularity. 

Nom. Then you're an undone man ; for, by 
being Angular in nothing, you'll be dcfpifed in 
every thing.— For inftance now, George — When 
you go into company, and inquifitive people 
fay — " Who is he ? — What, Mr. Saunter ?" 
nobody can defcribe you — You have been 
guilty of no abfurdhies— no improprieties. 
But when I condefcend to enter a room, there's 
a ge- 


A C O M E D Y. I] 

a general buz ofapplaufe, and the women aU 
whifpcr, " That'she, the famous Ned Nominal! 
" who games, who drinks, who fighu, who 
** intrigues. Oh! the fprightly, vicious fel- 
*' low!" In fhort, George, — I'm apublic cha- 

Saun. A public character ! What then ? 

Nom. Why, then, I make a damned noifc with- 
out any meaning. 

Saun. Believe me. Nominal, you are deceived. 
— A charafter fo ufelefs can neither excite ad- 
miration, nor attention. 

Nom. Ufelefs ! Oh, George, George !— how 
little doft thou know of modern life I — Ufelefs ! 
— That's the very thing that makes me. Now, 
let me put a plain and limple queftion to you — 
Isn't a cat that walks on four legs a ufetiil animal ? 

Saun. A cat on four legs ufeful? — 'Tisan odd 
qiiellion — Certainly. 

Nom. Very well. And what do you think of 
a cat with only two legs ? Why, it's ufelefs ; 
and yet you and the reft of the world (hall give 
it twice the admiration, and attention. And' 
there's the difference between us, George. — ^You 
are a very ufeful, worthy fellow, and confc- 
quently arc defpifed — I am a very ufelefs, mif- 
chievous fellow, and, of courfe, am admired — 
Therefore, my dear boy, take my advice — ei- 
pofe y-ourfelf, and get into notice. 

Sam. Why, you ace the counterpart of your 
guardian, the Colonel ; and when he finds you 
thus bitten with the love of notoriety, he'll be 
delighted — tranfported. 

Nom. Yes ; but I mean to difappoint him. 

Saun. Dilappoint him I 



1^' N O T ORI'E T V: 

Nom. Ay ; aftd for three rea(bnsi George*^ 
Inrft, becaufc he wants me tO'inarryH6aori3> a 
^! 1 don't care for — Secondly, beeaufe he- lias 
brtraght me to fight one Clairville-, a poor devil 
3'neverfaw — And thirdly, becaafe being in Op- 
pofition makes more noife than being under ' 
Govemmem.— You underftand mc — 1 mean to 
quarrtl with him. 

Saim^ And how will you contrive it ? 

iVwB, His greateft antipathy is to law and 
lawyers. ' I'll pafs on him as a ftudent. 

Sam. Student ! Why, you don't underftand 
the practice. 

Nem. No; who the devil docs ? But a little 
goes a great way, George — fo never fear. 

Saurt. Well, I muft leave you for tfie prefent, 
for I have bufinefs elfewbere. — I'll' fee you to- 
morrow ; and in the mean time fuccefs to your 
ftudies, your fports, and fmgularities ! [£)rtV. 

Norn, (kekift^ afttr bm.) What an old- 
faftioned appearance ! I with I had him a little — 
I'd foon teach him how to expofe himfelfc— 
CyWhack ! 

O'fVback. ToHJours prft, your honour. 

Nom. Take thefe law books home— put thetn 
on the table, and give the room a ftudious ap- 

?rarance for the reception of my guardian. — 
on know wliat t intend. 
O'Wback. Oh ! leave me alone for catching 
the old fox— I'll do it fans ceremonie. — Your 
honour— fee who's coming this way— By my 
falvation, it's the fwcet young' haroe that faved 
us and our chapcaus from the robbers ! 

Nom. That's lucky. I want to thank him. — 

Befidcs, if the robbery is well introduced in the 




papers^ it may. give an edat to my arrivaX ;.and, 
fome way or other, I muft be before the public 
every day. 

Ettler Clairville, wiib a Letter in hit Hand, 

Qmt, Joy !■ Give me joy. Sir !— Excuft this 
freedom from a ftranger ; but blifs fo unexpefted 
— fo exquifite, was never known before. 

NomM What ! it's all in print, is it ? The wbfjle 

■ robbery ! Well ; what do they fay of me ? 

Gair. Oh, Sir 1 when we parted laft night^i I 
was miferablfr— I fencied I had loft the lovelieft 
- creature the -world e'er wondered at— but pi<9:ure 
the revftrfc ! 

Nom, Curfechereverfe! So, IVntoberobb^, 
and get nothing by it ! 

Clair: In thislettcrflie tells me, that, to-J^ight, 

; ihe will give. me a private interview I—i-Yesj 

cho* my father leftj with his title, his eftatc to ipjr 

brother, «nd that brother has cruelly deferted 

• me-r*yet, at this, moment, I'm the happieft pwti 

alive. But. .excufe tne — I am all haite, all anxi- 

■ ety to prepare for the appointment. \GoiHg, 

Nom4 Hold> Sir, hold ! 'Gad, who knows buc 
. this private interview may lead to a public up- 
roar? and as he did me a fervice — (afide) Sir, I 
am much indebted to you— and if I can be of 
any ufc — 

Qdr. None in the leaft3 I thank you. — Yet, 
now I think on't, Honoria is fo narrowly 
watched, that a friend may be neceflary. — He 
feems a Geatleman, tho' an odd one— I'll ac* 
cept his offer. (Afide) Sir, you may aflift me. 

JV«w. How, how ? 

i Qair^ The Lady, Sir, nhofe oame, as well 



as my own, I muft beg leave to coitceaI> is fo 
much fufpcfted by her family, that, alone, I 
may be interrupted in the interview. — If, there- 
fore, you will meet me at Grofvenor Gate at ten 
o'clock, I will condud you to the houfc, which 
is a (hort way from town — But if we are dif- 
covered, and the bufincfs becomes public — 

Nem. Why, then, I fliall be doubly obliged 
to you. 

Oair. Well ; but if your name is brought 
forward and abufed ? 

Norn. Why, then the obligation will be 
trebled. 1 like abufe, and 1*11 tell you why — !t 
brings one into notice; and if fomebody doesn't 
cut me up, I mean to do it myfelf. 

Clair. How ! abufe yourfelf ! 

Nom. Certainly — for, if I don't let people 
know what a lingular, abfurd, ufclefs fort of 
. fellow I am, how will they find it out ? Silence 
finks you into obfcurity, my boy ; and for my 
part, I had rather be laughed at for {landing ia ' 
the pillory, than not noticed at all. 

Oair. Well ; this is the ftrangeft fyftcm ! 
What, you want to get a name, I (uppofe? 

Nom. I do; and, Heaven be prailed, 'tis eafier 
now to be obtained than in days of yore. Then, 
ajnqueft, patriotifm and virtue were the only 
paths to fame; but now-a-days, eccentricity, 
impudence and diffipation fettle the bufinefs — 
And if I don't cut out Csefar or Mark Antony 

to-morrow But come along — I have fome 

law bufinefs with my guardian ; and, after that, 
for you and your interview. 

Qair. Ten thoufand thanks. — But may I afk 
how you intend getting a name to-morrow f 


A XDrME.n Yj : |», 

jVc«. I'll tell you — I mean to fight a duel, 
Commence an intrigue, and- complete an elope- 
inent — B,UE^ ^hcre are the Ladies, .or who is 
the Gentleipan, I nciaier know, hpr-canir^m 
you— Only be afiiired, I11'&cc6ni{)U0i itj ahd 
then, my boy I when 1 lack ^t, I'll boaft' ci 
my <^ploitai,iu)d'Wheo I want money— rWJ^, ^'U 
fliew myjwiis • cmSi^ ^ Soallona I '''"'^ ' 

' ENP y ACT I. 



itt N O TO ItlE T Yi: 

inorpepi^y— If my rnalfer nioW't ra^l&^t atoiie^"W 
HTs "dWri/ he wou'dti't be after tazing his old 
Guardian in this manner-r— VoiIai-)Dyt eft arrange, 
and now to retiive him 'a ^ mode de Francois, 
as we fay in Ireland- 

£»/er Colonel Hubbub, aW^/r Andrew Acid__ 

[^Daniing andjingmg] Ti, di, di, di ! 

Sir Andr. Keep quiet, I tdl you — Oh, curie 
your joy. 

Col. Tii di, di, di ! The lad of fpirit ! The boy 
after his Guardian's own heart ! — Here, here's a 
contraft to marry my niece Honoria., 

Sir Andr. Be ferious, I tell you, grinning don't 
become you. 

Cel. Here, this gives him my niece with thirty^ 
thoufand pounds, and if he had returned a Iblid, 
{hidious, good for nothing Ibrt of young man, 
do you think I'd have figncd it? No! but to 
have him come home a dafhing dog ! — a choice 
fpirit ! Ods heart ; if his uncle, the old General, 
was alive, he'd die with joy ! 

Sir Andr, Old General, indeed ! A jM-etty uncJc 
he was to leave his nephew to the care of fuch a 
Guardian as you— But I remember him, he loved 
diflipation, and defpifed prudence as much as 
ywrfclf.i ^ 


; A .COMEDY. -T 19. 

- CoL Htdid; and:iit:i^:^inted,mc^Cttiard^n 
to the dear boy, that I mlglic fee t}it] B;l9Tipy&, 
breed prefecr'd i .wd iy>W;he is 4 choice ^uric. , 
i Sir.Jniiri.:.h choice d^vjll What, you- want 
him to be a fellow who can fight a duel in onc.field^ 
and be fecond inanochcr^ :Who drinlcs hard,' 
^nd riJes1ii9pdcri.who. C4lks much, thinks litde, 
ind reada Iciftji.MihQ 4Wrri^.off''yauQ£ woqien^ 
and runs. away. frpRi; fttdq^i^ftlT— In Iflort. who 
Ibves nokkict)^, .sod nrui}ces jjoilc and.ronfunQn 
wherever he goes !"' J-., „., 

(G?/.; Thafs it! You've; hit it exa£lly--<niT3r 
wtdi thisdiHerence, that, tha' I defpif): prudence, 
I dcteft knavery.; and if ever .he behaves like a 
Villain, if eveciie doesadifhonorable ai^ion, V\\ 
cut him ofF with a ihilling, and I kno^thepld 
General would hav< done the fatne— »Bijt where 
is he ? Ti, di, di, di ! Od, I'm lo Happy— - 
[Offers to take/nuffoift pf Sir Andrew's hx^ v/hg 
r^ufes i/]" Whywlhai's the matter with you, cou-i 
fih ? You don't. feem to partake my joy, 

■ Sir Aidr. Yes, I do-r-nothjng fo ^eafant at 
X6 fccev'ry body on th? broad grin. I Iwpe t; 
.will laH;, that's all t But [ know you mean to 
ruin him, as you have your Niece Hoporia, in> 
■ftead of improving her mind, teaching her'tha 
languages — \ 

' Csi. Herthf languages? Why, old boy, hav'n't 
you found qut. that one tongue is enough for.. a 
"HjomsH Jii^di nc^;- I have brought her into higli 
lifc-iftflfherto Concerts— Operas. — .: 

' TiVr ://»(*-; -;G)peras ! 'S'ow..'Cl»at's a pretty bu- 
TOefe-^ftf^ya piece of gold- to fee five or .fix 
-hours ;n, a,houfc, where ypd fall aQoclp to.favc 
■Bc^B&irft!^t=VHfl'^'rf»aBdetft*nd. • . 

P S ' .:. ■ Q>J. 


id NCi t ©*tf ET T: 

€ih"Fiv^'6f fixlwors I'Piba ! tKaes nothing 
to ilvfiic I do— { {isf ' kht thoufaild jpieces ^ 

f>ldi'ter il't feven ye*rs in another hoofc, '^here 
.tih^ft fflD itteepi Ibr^ Jnug tnc, if cycr X he^i^ 
a tebfd I lihdftrft6od ! 

.O'ffhafk: Bon i 'Ha,- h», ha 1 ^ - -. 
-ik^dr. So here's ahbthernoertyTyMl Ayy 
do ^oott. at each dther, iMid ftiulQ^ flcfrer Taw 
bat &ol tobk, at another in the ftcj: wiuieu^ grin- 
ning T-Exi/ C^f^i*}— Andgiip nv IciKve to t^^ 
you Colonel— 

■tS?. WeU! don-'t' be angry— Isn't U ftrange 
y6it can't bew to fee' every body happy? Rut 
COfre, whcre's the boy, the :Hcart' of Oak? 
Xfiot^ing over hooks' Httable\ Wjiy> what's here ? 
ALaw^ Diftioiliaryl , 

Sir -jAdr. A La* Diflionary 1 So^ethinff 
rcriottS at'^ftl [rWr] i'^'Adto <^ih» Jacobp 
prifn6"'!i-^Ko'ha2([v* '^ablc ! 

dj/.'Ha'rarfl! Ay, that's right-^making him* 
ftlf matter df that fine art Lajvl S'blood! if he 
Kad tl^e ia'afl; ihi:lin^tion for diat/folenui, &ble 

grofelKofi, I'd brtak his bones! I'd — ^but he 
>mes! inc dear ftofiigate comes! -Ti^, (£/diy 
di! Myboy, mylife!': ../,.'. 

f.nter Nominal (inadre£mggown,reaMn^a'hpkJ 
'A^.-.G. ciitsoffth^ remaini^y.and D. lo&f 
his tail 

■ Cd. Come, my idvlipg— -loci's JK»r: rf ypijr 
frolics— Miiie aod' the General's <^ .triqjcs ? 

Nm. {Still fta^gl That infcrriaifail!— Ha, 
Guardianri -Sir Anarew! Both Welcdi^I Jipeti 
at the ^all lately FrroCeijaff/.]., , . ,' 

Cel. Been .it the at)vi)i!r-HC9p^^i(^> hear itf' 
■your pranks I i- ■' 



: A COMEDY. tr 

Sir.An^r. 'Gad, if he ftlou'4 turti gtit ftudious 
irfte^alM"; : :■-. ■ ■■ •..'..:. 

JPaul Prig for-Pl^intiff-TT^liydu fajs rpqeclk; 

£W. Wiqrj' what are yoU'ai! ? 
- ' Norn. Ht 'tofr, cwirl'd his band^— be^in*-** My 
i'..Ldrd^J>-^^J«iJi ! Gemmen of the Jury^^ 
**-hern- l—l'mfor PJaimifi^i^r thinkr— Ik^ow— e 
f* I've read hiy brief-^-Acnl !"*-«-N0dding ;)iij| 
cocking hisieyc to the Jury. ■ - 

Sir Attdr. Cocking his- eye to- JtirV I 

■ - -iVow.'^eE, better than any- talking—-^ Mf 
tjwd— herii 1 I fee— I fee, I kno* I'm right"--*- 
cocking' e^ain — I've done — hem ! — Foreman 
winks— Jui^efums up— Verdift for Paul—Clients 
niin'd — All (tie young Prigs lai^h^ — Any ihit^ 
jmakeS them laugh-^ — hem ! 

■Cei,. Zolin^s'! What' is all tihis,?' Let's bear. 

■ Norn. Hear I Ntytr without fee — Name yo* 
,cafe — jbii1tTt;uftcespe;haps-e-ii'not,whynbc?T-— 
What arc your ages ? ■ 

Col. What arc our ages ? 
^ JVew-'Irifants very like.: 

Sir Andr. I an infant i Why, I was ncyir 
more deceiv^4 '" ""X I'**- Colonel, rfiis is the 
moft ftudious choice fpirit I ever faw— I give you 
joyl (Offering bim Sn^J—Yovng man, thji 
"Capering griftjilng gendeman defcriped yon as a 
perfcS rftk,e-*-I .expeSod. to fee you reading 
Hpyle— Do you mcaji to purfue the profcffion ?• 

jVom. Ciertainly. — Student novt— hereafter, 
Counfel— Bein at the Old Baily lately? [2:« Coi.j 

Co/: pldBsiiiy I Look ye, you dogl leave 
•ff this'fdotery, pr-^ 



» n.ot;o RIET Y: 

^iV Andr. I'm delighted, Coufin ! .Now, why 
don't vou partake my joy ? — Faith ! I nluft go 
and' t'^l my wifrand ward of this — Mr. Nominal, 
I'm forry I'm obliged to leavcyou.i— ; 

Coi. Leave him ! Why don't you go then ? 

Sir Andr, Give me yoiir. hand \tti Nom.'\ per- 
severe in your ftudics, and I and Lady Acid fliali 
■be always happy in your company— Good day- 
Colonel, don't make long faces, he'll make full 
as much noife and confufion in his prcfent prq- 
fcflion — the' he won't fire a pillol, he can file a 
a BiH in Chancery; and which is the le^ mif- 
chievous, I leave you to determine — hem ! 
[Offers Snuff again and E,xit; 

Cel. Rat you ! I'm glad you're gonf — ^ffow, 
my dear boy, it's all very well to appear prpdcnc 
and fiudious before tliat ftupid old fool; bup 
fince he's -gone, lay afide this triflii^.! — Come 
leave otf talking about fuch low, dull nonfcnlC} 
-as Councilors and Weftminftcr Hall, and let'5 
hear you fpeak like a man of fenlVi about figii(^ 
ing, drinking, racing — f . 

NetK' Racing ! as 1 hope for the ftfils, lire's 
the cafe — Look! ^Sbtsosabook.^ i ' 

C#/. What ! do you perfift in yipvi' ignorance? 

Norn. Never read Puffeodorff I Meh ! fine 
tiook — better dian anny lift. . v 

Col. Look ye, I have done with you for cvcr-^ 
Oh, you fcniclefs blbckhead! 'to-be-i making 
money,' inftcad of fpending it— to be; following 9 
prudent, flale, old-faihioned iM?o(e(rion, inftead 
■pf being ruin'd and getting into faigh-hfc, you 
dogj— -rca. awcpge Honoria's hoijprl S'dcath ! 
I'll beat Clairvillc myfclf, and ^fot?:,;! hearqf 


A COME D Y. : «J 

']>ou> Pu^ndorfF, or Paul Prig again, I'll manT- 
her to a drummtfr, or a common trooper — I will, 
you ftupid inflexible upright t 
Nom. ^Now I am fatisfied. (Jfide.) . 

£»/«- O' Whack. 

O'lVhack. Ecoutcz, your honor— the ftrange 
young Haroc is waiting for. you at Grofvenor 

- I^dn- I'll sopic directly — leave my travelKng 
coat in the.Jjall— Guardy, adieu — Brother Prig 

,• Ci)/.' Stay i. one rational word before you go— 
wou'd you— 

; iiVi«?,. HulKl. can't ftay, reply another day— 
J^ean time find me in the Hall — Adieu ! Law's 
a fine profeljiofi— puts an end to grinning, trant- 
ports, exftacies— Adieu ! Leave you widi Puf&n- 
^orff— hem! . \£.xit\. 

_ - Col. Here's treatment ! Leave a Colonel in 
jhe, army" alone with Puffcndorffl Ignoraoc 

buppy 1 to giyj: .up falhionable life for a profefiion, 
.in which the grcjitncfs of his reputation is chiefly 
jcnown by the fize of his wig — Where ! [Se\ewg 
.CWhack] You top, you Jriflj, French, pyc- 
■feftU rafcal! You hclp'd this pretty reformation, 
■I iuppofe ! . 

,■ O'JVbacki Point de tout, your honor — your 

ownfelf cou'dn't have fet him a more diflipatcd 

example than I did — Oh ! a Paris, mon Colonel ! 

CO be fure I did'nt lead him into any milchief ac 

aU— at all ! 

Col. What do you mean ? 

O'PVhttck. Tarez vous, Jewel ! — When I ftept 

9Ut all night, got drunk with ufquebaugh, in- 



trigaed with the Mardiioneft TJi^erary, ini 
bate her poor hufband; it was only to oblige your 
honor^ that I migh;: ft^nd befote you^ and fay — • 
** Voila ! Monfieiir O'Whatk, who k^ it up 
" to the laft '." 

Cel. Why, you impertinent— do you mean to 
i»^h at mc J Marchtonefs Tipperary, indeed ! 

Enier Jamks. 

James. Sir, Sir! a ww^wiAyOH— Mifi Ho- 
noria's window is open, and the aad MMs So- 
phia are waiting for Mr. Clairvillc, 

Cel. Sophia with her ! That's lucky — Harky*, 
is Lady Acid at home ? 

James, No, Sir i ihe and Sir Andrew are juft 
gone out together — But Mifs Sophia aflcal me, 
whether you were expeftcd there to-night. 

Cel. She did, did ihc ? — Oh, it's pkin flie 
tan't live without mr — Poor lovefick creature ! 
I'll go and comfort her — I'll lock up Honoria, 
kick Ctairville out of the houfe, and thus have 
her all to myfelf— Shew me down. Sirrah, and^ 
d'ye hear ? tell your ftudious mafter, I'm gone 
to chaftiJe the man I delired him to challenge — 
Yes, I'll fo Ihame him by beating this Clairvillel 

O'fybaci. Ay, -by St. Patrick, bate him, your 
honor, as I did the Marquis de Tipperary-r-l** 
ici— this way 1 — \^Exetniim. 



A C O M E D y. a5 

SCENE — The Out/tde 0/ Sir Andrew's Hou/i 
in the Country— Stage darkened. 

Enter CLAittviLLE. 

Clair. Where is this friend who Was Co have af- 
lifted in the enterprize ? — I have fent my fervant to 
look for him, for, alone, I can undertake nothing 
— Oh, Honoris ! Let me but once more fee you, 
snd know you are my friend, and I will alk no 
more — No, never while I live, will I think of 
deluding her from her family; with them, fhc 
has all thac wealth and fplenddur can afford ; and 
with mc, how fevere will be the reverfe ! I kfiow 
the Colonel has brought his ward Nominal from 
France, to call me to account for my prefump- 
tion — but of that, I think not — let me but gain 
this laft interview — Ha ! here's the fti-anger ! 

Enter Nominal. 

Nom. A thoufand pardons — I've been talking 
law, fo no wonder at delay — ^W ell!*— here wc 
are ! and do you know this bufinefs puts me in 
mind of what I came to England for. 

Clair. What was that? 

iVojB. Oh! only to beat a Gentleman for foa- 
ling a rope ladder — that's all. — Some poor, ftupid 
fellow ! But wc won't talk of that — Where's the 
girl ? Heh ? 

Clair. 'Tis pad the time Ihe promifed to ap- 
pear at the window — But, underitand me. Sir-— 
all I wilh to obtain is an interview! to know 
flie approves my pad condiift, and takes an in- 
tcrcft in my future — Therefore, what I requeft 
of you is diis — While I guard the boufe with- 
E in. 



in, yon watch the door without ; don't let a foal 

Norn. Mc ! I'D b^at the watch, kick the 
conftable, and cane all the trading juftices in 
town, before you {hall lofe one tender moment. 

HoHORiA at the Window. 

Hon. Sir! Sir* 

CiWr. Ha ! fhe comes ! Like a new world Jhe 
breaks upon me! Oh! let me By to welcome 

Nom. Oh ! let me fly to welcome her I 
[mimickingl Now, who flic is, or who the hoiife 
belongs to, or what it all means, hang me if I 
know or care ! Only this, that if there was a noife, 
there might be a difcovery ! — if a difcovery, a 
purfuit! — if a purfuit, a refciie! — and then, 
oh ! what a figure I fliou'd cut. 

Hen. Come in inftantly, or you may be dif- 

Nom. [to Clairvilie] Hark ye, if you are dif- 
cover'd, and arc ' afraid to mention your own 
name, make ufe of mine. — I'm not afliam'd of 
this, or any bufinefs I 

Clair. I have no fears [opening the door] Now, 
now. Sir, envy me ! [Exit into Heu/e. 

, Nem. Envy you ! That I do. — He'll have all 
the fame to himfelf, and here I ftand as melan- 
choly as a mile-ftone — How provokingly quiet 
every thing is — S'death ! is there no noife to 
wake the old Guardian ! is there no noife ! Oh 
kr the fqueaktng of a child, the fmafliing of a 
lamp, or the howling of a hufliand at being 
thumpt by his wife ! No uproar ! 



A C O M E D Y. iy 

Sophia at the Window. 

Sophia. Sir, as you are anxio\3s to afllft your 
friend, will you be kind enough to tell my fer- 
vant, who is fomenhere near, to come home— 
ibr if he is obfcrved — 

Norn. I will. Madam — Who the devil's Ac, 

Sophia. And, Sir, when you return, I'll fpeak 
to you from the window, and, on your anfwer- 
ing mc, I'll come down, and let the fervant in 

Nem. Ay, and me along with him — I'll take 
care. Ma'am, I'll take care. — Stand by, ragga- 
m'jffin! — [Rum agianji Cohovu^ Hubbub, who 
is entering, and exit. 

Enter Colonel Hubbub. 

Col. Stand by, raggamuffin ! What noily 
fellow's that ? Ay, there it is, there's the window 
open, fure enough; and I dare fay Sophia has 
promoted the fcheme, in hopes of afllfting her 
amour with me ! Sweet, tender foul ! I ihall 
never forget her telling me, that if I'd one more 
hair on my'kft eye-brow, I fliould be the hand- 
fomeft man in the armyi and another time,' 
when (he fainted away on only touching the tip 
of my Epaulette. 

Sophia from Wtndfftv. 

Sophia. Is it you, Sir ? 

Col. Yes, here I am ! Oh, 'tis too much ! 

Sophia. I'll come down, and open the door. 

\_Exitfrom Window, 
E a Co/, 



Col. Open the door ! There ! She wants to ba 
touching the tip of the Epaulette again ! Ppor 
fond creature ! Yes : I multj I will I 

Sophia epau the door, 

Sophia, Come in ! [Jees Col.} Heavens ! At 
Colonel ! 

Col. Excefs of joy diffolves her ! Pon't g^vc 
way to your raptures, mod angelic ! — I come to 
give you love for love. T^^-f ^"^'^ of her. 

Sophia. Unhand me, Colonel ! 

Col. Let's enter the houfe — I'll lock up Ho- 
noria, turn Clairville put of doors- — and then^ 

Sophia. Let me go this inftant. 

[Struggling -antb him. 

Re-enter Nominal. 

Norn. Ha ! What are you at ? R etire. Madam ! 
\_Exit Sophia into htft/e. 
Now anfwcr me, feducer ! Woijld you delude 
the innocent ? 

Cel. I delude I Who the deuce arc you ? 

Nottf. A JuiViccof Peacel Come to promote 
tranquilicy — But your name ? Your profeffion ? 
Speak this jnltanc! [Jbakiug hiirt\-7'QMa6.'&\ dq 
you fufpcit my office i 

Col, No,, not in the leaft— :I know you're a 
peace officer by the curft noife you make I 
{Nominal Jbakes Mm again] Gently, and to fatisfy 
you, I'll tell you who I am-r-My name's Hub- 

Netfi, Hubbub ! 

Col. Yes; I'm here doing duty; 

Nom. My Guardian ! - Fatih^ this is betterthan 
Paul Prig 1 



A C O M E D y. 29 

Clairville at the PFindew. 

Clair, [afide to Nominal'} Detain him — ^kcep 
3iim where he is> or all's mined ! 

Nam. I will. [Exit ClairvilU from window. 

Sir, [bowingl if your name is Hubbub, I have 
to intrcat your pardon — ^IVe the honour of being 
Acquainted with part of your worthy family. 

Cel. Ayt ay, I knew you'd perceive your mif- 
take — But let me enter the houfe, and play the 
devil. ■< 

Nom. [boldinr html Yes, Colonel} I have 
iht pleafure of being intimate with your very 
Jeamed ward, Mr. Nominal. — Times are 
Urangely alter'd. Sir. — I remember when he was 
;the Bioft noify, extravagant young nian in town. 
Col. ^Yt ^Hof^ "^c happy days ! But they're 
ail over now! the dog thinks of nothing but 
puffendorff, and the Old Baily. 

Nom. Yes J I ufcd to have a warrant againft 
:him once a week, and he generally flept in the 
^atch-houfd every other night ! But now — alas, 
Colonel ! I'm afraid we fliall never catch him in 
a riot again ! [In a melancholy vaice. 

C"^- \.fi£^i''S\ No — he has loft all that good 
(ettk and genius now ! And after the pahis \ 
had taken in inftrufting and improving him I 
It's hard — very hard. Sir ! 

Nom. \_Jighing with him} Ay, Sirj to have 
him turn out ftudious, fober and prudent ! 

Col. Ah I to difgrace the honour of the Hub- 
bubs \ — to vilify the glorious breed ! — Stupid, 
fenfcrlefs dog I But let me go into the houfe, 
for I'm all cagernefs to cbaftile this Clairvjlle. 




Tifom. Clairville ! What's he now in the houfe ? 

Cd. Yesi and I brought my ward Nominal 
to fight him; — but he darn't. Sir — he's grown 
a coward — poor paukry priggifh coward; and if 
you fee him, you may tell him I fay fo. 

Ncm. So ! I may tell Nominal he's a coward, 
may I ? 

Ccl. Yes ; or he'd have beat fomebody before 
this time — Odrathim! I would rather he'd have 
caned me, than nobody. 

Ncm. You'd not diflike to be can'd by him, 
■wou'd you ? 

Ccl. No ; I fhould have liked the dear rogue 
the better for it — But now I know him to be 
fuch a mean, ftudious, pitiful puppy, that, hang 
me if 1 think he has the courage to beat a jack- 
afs ! — \_Ncminal canes html Holloa! what are 
you about ? 

Nom. [caning him] He'll beat a jack-afs with 
any man in the army. 

Clairville comes from Houfe. 

Ccl. You're a rufHan — a common bravo, 
empioy'd by Clairville to detain and alTauIt me, 
and you take advantage of my not having a fv.ord 
on — but I'll be reveng'd ! — 

Norn. Do, and I'll tell you how! Bring an 
aftion of battery, and Paul Prig and your ftudious 
Nephew fliall defend it. — Hem ! 

Col. I don't care — -You're beneath my con- 
tempt — Butj for your employer, I'll enter the 
houfe, and have facisfaftion i and for that fneak- 
ing dog, Nominal — Oh, the curfl: puppy ! I 
feiii for him to beat Clairville, and here have I 
been beat myfchi \_Exit. 


rihyGOOgIC I 

■A C O M E D Y. 3, 

dair. 'My dear Sir, once more let me thank 
you — I have fecn the Lady, and all is as I willicd — 
She has given .me this pidture as a proof of her 
afFeftion, and promiled never to marry another 
man — But, come — why, what areyou thinking of? 

I^em. I was thinking, when the bufinefs is found 
out, what a noife it wifi make — ^But, hold, hokL — 
You and I muft have fomc converfation — 

CUir. The Lady told me what I never heard 
before, that her Uncle's ward is defign'd for her 

Nom, What Nominal ? 1 know him intimately j 
nor is there a finer fellow alive — he pricks the 
bladder of vanity, pulls down arrt^ncc, and 
chaftifes folly i and what's more, he gives bis 
Guardian found law in the morning, and a found 
thrafliing at night— Then, he's a man of notoriety ! 
has the general Ihout — the popular huzza, my 
boy ! 

C^air. Popular huzza 1 He'd have that if he 
*as going to be hang'd. 

Nom. Well, and when I die, give me a public 
exit, give me the Tower, ftate trial, axe, fcaffbld, 
and decapitation ! Then my life or hiftory will 
be written with a thoufand extraordinary anec- 
dotes! How I flept at night, and woke in the 
morning ! walk'd and rode ! eat and drank ! and 
what was very remarkable and important, wore 
my own hair till thirty, and a wig ever after — 
But come along — I'll inti^oduce you to Nominal; 
and over a bottle he (hall convince you, that he's 
as popular as life, fpirit, and eccentricity can 
make him ! ' Exeunt, 





SCliNE — Jn apartment in Sir Andrew's //sa/i'. 

Enter Saunter. 

Saun. Never was vanity fo InfufFerable as that 
of Sir Andrew and the Colonel j and unlefi my 
coufin Sophia puts my fchemc in execution, they 
will torment her for ever— Here comes Sir An- 
drew, juft as I left him, teazing and faaguing 
her with his tirefomc proteftations of love.y 
Enter Sophia, /o//(Wpi^ Sir Andrew. 

Sophia. Do leave me, Sir Andrew. 

Sir Jndrew. Well; but hear me, my little 
angel— I fee your pafTion for me, and your aver- 
fion to the Colonel— and I pity you, and will 
-relieve yo,u— Hark ye, make an afljgnation— nay, 
don't be afraid— I'll not difappoint you, upon my 

foul- . , ^ I. - 

Sophia. Sir Andrew, this is beyond bearing, 

and if you would attend Lady Acid's concert, 

where your company is wanted, it would be more 

agreeable — AfTignation indeed! 

Sir Andrew. Ay-, you know I've won your 

tender little heart, and that 1 could make yon 

miferable if I pleafedi but I forego it, I chufeCo 

vex the Colonel, and — 

Enter James. 

yfitnes. Sir, the concert is waiting. 
Sir Andrew. Concert! Pflia ! Curfe all har- 
mony, fay 1 ! — put I muft go to pleafc my wife— 


A C O M S D Tr 3) 

t fajr-a-don't forget, St^hia— when and where 
you like— I'll be punctual — till wheoi ferewell. 
Sophia^ Provoking! to fuppofe me in loVe 
^itk him ! I that am admired by the literati, the 
cognofccnti, and all the out of the way creatures 
in town! Here— ^^(j^wj Saunter a letter) look at 
this, and then fay if I oughtn't to be wretched? 

Saunter reading. . 
. Saun. " Lady Acid informs Mifs Strarigcwaysi 
tiiat her extraordinary atuchmenc Co the Colonel 
and Sir Andrew, is the talk of the whole town — ' 
that (he has loft het chara6l:er, and unlefs did 
diicontinues her advances, flie fiiall be fent to 
the country, and lock'd up for life." — Lock'd up 

Sophia Imeurvfully} Ay, lock'd up for life 1 
Think of that, coufin — I, that have painted my 
own pidure, and had it in the exhibition 1 That 
can read a Latin Virgil, or a French Voltaire i 
And, what's more, that have written A novel, 
which has been tranflated into fevcral languages 1 

Saun. Has it been tranflatcd into Englifh ! 

Sophia. Ay, into EngUfli.-^tc was k> beautl- 
fiilly obfcure, that it took a commentator twelve 
large voluhies to explain the meaning of it ! 
1 too, who have written and compofed a fong, 
which t have fung in every company, without 
being aflced oi- dcfired. 

Saun. Whyi you haVe ail univerlal genius^ 

Sophia. Univerfal 1 I dare fay my death will 

increafe the national debt ; for after being under 

^ound with my anceftors, I Ihall be puU'd upi 

F aiid 



and re-buricd at die expence of my covntty I 
And after all this> to have my reputation flandcr- 
ed by two old coxcombs, and what's worfe, to 
be fent to the country and lock'd up for life ! Oh, 
coufin !— What can I — (hall 1 do? . 

Sami. Don't be unhappy, Sc^ia ; I hare 
diought of a fchemc by which you may expofe 
ihe vanity of thefe two dcxards, and extricate 
yourfcif [gtving her two letters.'] Read thefe two 
letters, and if you approve, copy them. 

Sophia [reoiiitig] "To Sir Andrew Acid.— 
Thou gay deceiver — I adore — ten o'clock — your 
own garden— Sophia Strangcways." — Fie, couGn! 
—would you have me fend lum an ailignation in 
reality ? 

Samt. Read the other. 

Sophia [reads] " To Colonel Hubbub — Thou 
dear perfidious — I adolize — -ten o'clock — the: 
garden — Sophia Strangcways." Charming ! I 
underftand — both in the fame language, and both 
at the fame time and place. I'll write them di- 

Saun. Yes j a double aflignation— Then they'll 

meet — ^Their expofition will be complete, and 

Lady Acid will be convinced of your innocence. 

Sophia. Ten thoufand thanks — (goes to tahlt, 

fits and writes.) " To Colonel Hubbub" — fo— 

'• To Sir Andrew Acid," (rifes.) There couGn — 

(giving hirH letters.) See them delivered, and 

meet me inthe garden. — At prefent, adieu ! 

Saun. Nay, where are you hurrying to ? 

Sophia. Firft, to the concert, and after that to 

— But now I rccollcft, don't forget your promjfc 

of introducing mc to your friend Nominal— 

Heigho ! I'm in love with him only for his drefe. 

Saun. How, Sophia ! judge a man by hia 

drefs ? 



A C O M E D V; 35 

Sopbtd. Cert^nly. If 1 fee a man f^ainly 
nSrefs'd, I guefs him to be juft fuch a good for tio- 
c-hingthing^asyourfelf ; but if I fee amandrefs'd 
unlike all others, then I know him to be the fame 
vinaccountable creature I am myfelf. So fave 
me from rural imprifonment, and then introduce 
fxx to your Angular friend as foon' as you pleafe. 
Eittir CWhack Miiid. 

Saun. Howcanldeliver theletters? Toavoid 
^fpicioHi the belt way would be, to giye them 
XO Sophia's own maid, and if I can find her— — - 

O'fVhack (advancing) What, Fanny, your 
honour?— A rrah! lamjuftgoingto her. Don-!- 
iiez moi le billet-deaux, and if I don't put them 
ipto her own ruby hands, fay this is not No. 37, 
that's all ! (laking/nuff.) 

Saun. Are you iure you know her ? 

O'lVkack. Know her ! ecoutez, rrjy dear-Tr 
ghc loves me fo tinderly, that Ihc'll go to Kil- 
kenny for a fricaflee for me. 

Saun. Well; I believe I may truft you — Here 
this is for Sir Andrew, and this for Colony 
Hubbub — They are both at the concert; andde- 
Jire her to deliver them direftly. 
■ O'Whatk. Si vous plait, honey. 

Saun. And, d'ye hear ? tell her to bring mc 
(he anfwers^~You underftand me 

0' Whack, Bonfoir, your honour. 

\Ex%t Saunter. 
Pythe powers! fome people know no more of 

food brcejling, than others do of politeflc 1 Eh 
ien ! I fdppofe it anfwers — ^For I've obferved, 
pone jog fo ■ fnugly thro' life as your compiately 
rpde gnd vulgar-r-Every body gets out of the way 
■ ■- ■ J ^ 2 " for: 



for themitT-idie fame 4s a gentleman with a white 
coat would for a chimney fweeper, Oh^ by the 
powersl thf only place for true edquette is 
Ireland i fw^et elegant accomplipied Ireland. 


fifi nuiy tali efa bnguf, and a/ Irtland (Jwett militn} 

Of bulti and of howlt, andpelavrt^ cemme fa ; 
But, man Di/Uy ifi ne mart t» the Frimh baderatisn, 
7hen vin di Bourde^ux, likt tojvjttt XJfqaibaugb, 
If I ga had again, blood and ouns ! how Fll vrigglfy 
' ./fttd conge, aad caper, andmaie thefoliifiere; 
^d infitad efpstatoes, hnti Sbehgh wiU gtggle, 

Jf^ben I crieiy Mam'fiJUt band me that fweft pcmnu dt 
With their petit chanfin, fa ira, ca iray Malbrteky Mi~ 

rojttttty and their dam voire lit ; 
Py thepov/'ri they' re all nonfenje and beddtTy agrah t tteur 
" diddeih'bubberoy wbaci, fangelee. 

Oh, mon joll^ ffSit Sheelagh, ah, httv atilfl, Ifiom ^er^ 

ff^ien Ilav^d ber'Jf dearly, mqfoiy hubbabqp ! 
Jind ga round the gUbe, ay, from corner to comer. 

For foup maigre, la dance, and far frogi and virtu, 
jtndthentofarfaiemagn'fiqueTipperary, - . 

Forpauvre Ferfailles, and its capering throngs ' 

^sd eat fricafets, nd^ftfir a fairy, 

inftead offuhfiantial bitf roti de tauttcn. 

fTtth their petit chanfin, (^e. 

pb,Hifs'da grifette, who hallos' d cut, "Jfi,f^n>^ 
Andytt, J cenfoCd' befall night and ^l dayy " 

ffs be Jure, and i was not herfweet Irijh Cufidon, 
Her petit hiignsn, and mi Lar jhgbii. 

But whenjbe found eut, /am Jixfy;^! w0i pasr Pat, Slr^^ 
It was " allez miferable diabU John Bull-," 

So I e'lngavetb'is blarneying freriehijied eat. Sir, 
Ofgetdwholefome ShiUaly,a eomphat ftomach fuU. 

' Iritb tbtir petit cbanpn,&e. 



A c o M E D y: jy 

SCENE— ^Jtf/offH, Chandeliers. 
Jaues, and other Servants waiting. 
James. Yaw! (yawning) Thefe parties will 
be the death oif me ! — What, noiie of the mufic^ 
nobility come yet ? Stand by — here's Lord Jar- 
gon I Gadi I like his plan — ^he ma^es lov? cq 
Lady Acid to fecure IVlifs Honofia— fThe pld 
lady for the young qnp — bgt.mun}.! " 

^ter Lord Jakgok* ; 

Lord Jar. Am I the firft, James ? — I thought 
your concert began at eight. 

James. No, my Lord — this is oqr Sunday 
concert, and it is ^nerajly nine before their 
Lordfliips begin playing. 

Lord Jar. Lordfliips 1-,-Ah ! trufr— At thefe 
Sunday concerts, Lords become 'fiddlers, and 
fiddlers greater men — For my part, I cannot 
flavor fing — ^"^ Donne ! donnc!" (hamming a 

James. Thus it ever is with his Lordfliip, one 
Vonl contradi£ting the other. 


Hon. James, where's ^-^ady Acid ? Ha ! my 
Lord jargon here ! 

Lord Jar. Honoria, my Angel ! — I never fay 
a civil thing — but you look divinely this evening 
— Nay, wny avoid me ? An^ 1 fo very difagrce- 
jlble ? 

- Hon. Nm in the leafV, my Lord. — Where can 
be Lady' Acid? ' ' ' 
. Lord Jar. (taking her hand) You know> Ho- 



iiOTia, 1 hate to hear people talk of themfelves— ^ 
of their titles — their fortune — their talents — No- 
thing can be fp (hocking! Now I — I have a:^ 
ancient title, great fortune, and not inferior talents 
— but I never mention thefe things — ycvs ncvc^ 
Jiear mc talk of myfdf. 

Hon. No, your Lordfhip has too much fenfe 
to taHc on a fubjcft you fo little undtrftamJ. 

Lord Jar. True, Honoria, and I have re- 
formed—left off all my old vices, the hetzcr to 
deferve your affection — Gaming now-rl hav'n't 
thrown a die, or made a bett thefe fix months. 

Hon. Not gam'd, tfiy Lord } 

Lord Jar. No ; I'll bett any gentleman twc^ 
hundred to one, I hav'n't. 

Hen. I fancy your I^rdfbip is one, of thofe^ 
who think it better to lofe thart not pUy at all. 
, Lerd Jar. No ; 1 have given it up, Honoria 
-^Butj talking of gaming, allow mc to apolo« 
gize for breaking your bracelet lafi night. 

Hon. It was of no confequence, my Lord. 

Lord Jar. Your pardon, Honoria — andj thol 
I am above making prcicnts, yet you rijuft allov^ 
me to make this poor return^-diefc jewels.— 
(giving her a cajketi open J 

Httt, How! jewels I and of fiich value, my 

Lord Jar. Oh, a trifle! For my own part, I 
jiever wear diamonds — (Lady Acid enters) foir 
while other people wear them for me b look at, 
it'sjuft the Tame as jf they were my own — Bu^ 
think not of them, but love, my Angel! ' "■ 

Hen. Excufe me, my Lord — \ cannot accept" 
them— you may employ thcmtCf a better purpofe.. 
(ofering to return them.) ■ ' • 

" ' Lad^ ' 


ACOMEpY. 3» 

tjidjf A. Is this your gratitude for his Lord- 
ihip's poUtfnefs ? lilbr^ infolentgirl! What, 
youare rtillhankcring after that wretch, Clairville. 

Hon. Call him by fome other name, Madam- 
Wretch ! What is his brother, then ? 

Lady A. How ! have you the impudence to 
defend the outcaft ? 

Hem. Outcaft ! Shame, Ihame, Madam I I 
know I taUc a language, you and your modifk 
friends defpife — but here I tell you, that this out- 
caft is the man of my heart — that it loves him— 
tenderly loves him — And would rather fliarc hi» 
griefe in a prifon, than his lordfhip's plcefures in 
a palace— -therefore, (Mice more, let me offer 
back the prefcnt. 

Lady A. Look ye, in a word, let mc have no 
more of your ill breeding. Accept his Lordftiip't 
jewels direftly, and, retire to your chamber-^ 
Take them, I lay, andbe gone this inftant. 

Hon. What can I do ? The Colonel's high 
f^inion of her compels me to obey her in every 
thing — Oh, Clairville ! why did you fiive a life 
that's doom'd, for ever doom'd to mix thy ruin 
with its own ! \Exit, 

Lady A. So far, fo well, my Lord \ For when 
the Colonel hears Ihc was mercenary enough c« 
receive jewels, he'll own you were warranted in 
your defigns upon her — and now-— fince we arc 
alone — I'll open a great and glorious fcheme-r'- 
A fcheme that fhall convinceyou t^my unalter'ii 

Lerdjar. Sweettft of women ! you know my 
determination — Whoever has my band, you 
fliall ftill have my heart. 

Lady, A. I believe it, my Lord — and there- 
ibre I fhall riik the dangerous enterprize — So- 


4b NO TOR I E T Yi 

^hia and I were at the enhibicion of vizx f^res 
this morning— She was ftruck with* and puf- 
xhifed a great theatrical likenefsi which is to be 
lHY>ught here in a chair this evening---Now, if 
you contrive to conne home inftcad of tl\e figurc-J- 

Lordjar. I a wax figure ! a Peer of the realiri 
3 wax figure ! 

ifl*^ A. Dear ! it happens every day^ — But 
mind me, the chair will be brought into rtly drcf- 
fing room, which adjoins Honoria's chamber — 
Andj where you know you can't be admitted on 
account of Sir Andrew's jcaloufy— -therefore wait 
im the chair> bribe tbe man, and here is a Mc 
key (gives one) which locks and unlocks Hono- 
ria's door. 

• I^rd Jar. Lotelieft of creatures ! (kijes hn 
band) Where (hall I find the chair ? 

Lady A, I'll give you the particulars by-and(l 
by---In the mean time; remember yougetClair- 
Tillc difpofed of— — 

tori Jar. Whar. my brother !' Oh, I've f« 
great a firiend/hip for him, that I'll have him ar* 
reftcd to prevent his being diftrcft — 

{fiourijb of clarinet!. 

Ladf A. Hark ! dicirlordlhips, the miificians| 
tre arrived. 

Enter Coionbl HuiBui. 

Col. There they arc ! Never was Sunday con-" 
tert fo fanftified with nobiUcy. 

Ladf A. yihu\ they're all come ? 

Col. Yesi and faith there's fo many great 

people turned fiddlers now a days, that, I 

ibould not be furprized, if the Houfe of 

Lords ihoald b< turned into a cosoert room! 



A caarpiA -41 

lliat gtees wem fttngf irom ohia Woolfaplt,-rdrfil 
catches from riie Cabii^ ".'.''. 

Lordjdr. ^Vho haveweomoligAiu^CokiiKl? 

Co/. I'll tell you— Firft; thcirc's Dulee 
Duetr pjajiing on the Tiolin — then there's Gene- 
ral Gig ftrumming tKe guitcary Judge Jerk, Uo«- 
ing the baiToon, and Bifhop Bravo' banging the 
kettle-drums 1 — But what's better, therms Sig- 
ner Uniquo, vho.pats them all ^tniliarly on the 
back, and fays, " Bravi{nmO).myLQrd Judgd! 
Encora, Sigodr Bi^pL"-Theii, ^[^nc'looks 
as pleafed as if he'd got-the Chai^eHvribip, <8nd 
the other, as ifhewss pneferrod to an'Ar(ihbi(hop- 
rick I^Pray is-your LordftipifundoCiniifitt ? 

LtFdJar.Mcl Lhate, Ijdetosftwlsf: -. j 

Lady A. Hate mufic, my Lord! Dearti^aJfr 
wtys-iitKii^t'it 'wssifadc iifyaur 6iirt^ite>Mnpfe- 
ments. ,-i ,|I r. • 'y 

- :hi^-Jan.i'\XPit^z^tA&aiv(S&ii IcoWiinlyH-I| thiagt.-^-'.obi aH ■■ i jA i jt/,-> ^^''i.' 
•jCti^'Wciii&ir'^my.^an, I dflltdiotJtiftQft-ta 
dKJ(t3lDr4.ibi}>t MibifUfiM^ ..gBtaffihrna bngiige^ 
ai sbe^eram-^io'i^aRst. kad)t;-A]Jii!t"L U^W 
y»E£;ifeiifc-vnd va-oiBi dafp)finichM'Itriibi^,itblif^ 
and:'^b)otdy p»^ot^1k4d<.ati)ufe ifit^ Jtitt^a: 

in^nimgfft v>itk^^-i^!^^ go and look at them^ — 
Come, my Lord. 

Lord Jar. (taking h^fsnT)"^'vh pleafure !— 
Colonsl, kmyirieniil!]|mioaI^^on|AiJ>«m? 

Cu/.'My ward !' ZoiinasT'don't taHc of him— ^ 
but ,go, and if ypu wiQj,^ fiddling preferment, 
pay the Grand SigtK)c. , ^ 

■ '. '- ■ " ■'■ ■,-'■" '\^KMiV^rg'an9'Ladyi. 

My wardi iridccd! OhtKArum^dmidifai^'-puppyV 

I rnowwhat ifwlH'fcna",ih-iK(f*^?h'aBrig-Drf 

in his profcflion, till he gets into the Upper 

G Hoiifc, 



Houfri thenfiellbefaHdon theftielf, andgoooc 
like the fnuff of a candle^As » that tuffian» 
•Mdie aflsuk,rll4iereTehg'd on Clairvillc ftill. 
^For Sophia, the -dear creature ^ems fonder of 
me than ever, fince lalt r.ight's riot — Thf women 
-dK-love;a little nxieiKifs nowaMt^SP* . 

',,' £b^ Ja 

7<im<rj. Sir, M^56phili's maid is below, and 
'6efiresto-(eefcw. ■ 

Ccl. TlleR^Mftldfc— Oh,iandmyEpaii. 
-iCTTf play the devil with the women 1 

" Ctl. A letted I Ah ! I muft^poor Sir Al- 
drewl — he «MUn*C believe 1 wat berifau-ling 

>■>«. That fhe Kill ditiret (a nabot^ but 
Vourfelf, Sir. 

C««. Well» iricnnftbeS>^k-i^Aiuge 
what can make the kx adara^me ib paflMwiwIriyl 
^Itiniiftbeiiiym>aaia,>a7<aidir, paccM, 
iiiliatialiDg m ai n MilSfcerlBewJa^ j anm a ad 
while their Loi tMh i p i ate fiddhpy Ac the gaodpf 
Ike nation, ill aeaafe trylelf to theJieneitof 
Sophia, rmx SopUal— Oh, Colaeell G)loiiell 
Wbat(wbda)n>uniakcofdie«oineDl . 


SCENJkMtw Ammiw Acid's iSmfa. ' 
fiatrSttcHTtK. . 

. :SMm, Vthf^ can taif coulin SopKik be laiter- 

ins! ThJa'ia the place t>faflignation,' and I fee 

fcitliet her liar Ibc CtlOnd, ow Sir Andiew— I 

- hope 



hc^e there's no ivifUMi (or on thtir expolidon 
depeiub her fiiMW hflHHii^ 

BOfT So»Ma (iii/Hfy.J 

Sp^6a>. Oh coofti I flif <k«r CM^> I'm tmdMe) 
— As mucfa iwo'd H if I'd aettr been «■ nt- 
chords, or in aArdi> or a. punter, or a --— 

Sam. Whj* what hu bifpeo'd ? 

Sopbia. Lad^ Acid, unknown to Sir Ktidie^i 
has read dw aflignarion yAi made mr lend hint. 
—She is howcoQTinccd the love ii on my parti 
and is puHbing me fa^re to be rercfiged.— Dear 
me, i wUh I had not writlefi «o hion. 

Saim. Not wiioen to him 1 Ji^^^yoa^d p»t 
a ftop to his and die Colonel VTantt)r, ytrnkaajf 
Tou'd have bmicat tch the «>wi^-—jii^« loft 
your chandor. and never Ifacwn your'^ in 
ftlhi6n4rf«li& again. *.!-' 

A^ifcM, -Netcr flKwbmjF face ! Lord ! it rather 
helps one, vAi ia ftflaombk fifth ki6 of chsFSc- 
grwtesQflclswpiitmaai buiwlMr^K become 
t£tat\ if FoifeKCothciceiMtty. 1 flwUdt^i I 
luowlAtaU, aiidlfi»fii4d4i^>JAaii'thai:etii9e 
to write ngrowR hfe, aadlau dOwaJJMtf Sy f>c- 

l^or Aieio (vnthni.) 

Lai^ J. AVhere' is this J»abel I TO nuke an 
Kamntedfher. ..--.: ^ ^ 

^(jpkf. Here AeaHttSf and I ihall be lodt'd 
up in an old Country CafUe, vhere there's a con* 
ftant knocking ax the pus nice theaparnneotsi 
but not % pet{bn so enquire after pMr'l, the 
prifoorr, ■ . ■ 

G4 ■ SMtir 


•>■■'! '■• ;■■.■;.->-■' .%:''''-,Tt or i"'. ■'':. ; 

Z4i^^. So M\.fs;,,nf^jy^8jjdi#g the warning 
I gave you, you nave been Wiring an aflignation 
iRfti^fcoftiunnuqthit-ihicrtB'ritij |dib^^lot>k at 
?MeJJ-atffi»* ifi«3c-aoytni'd^jr.icrf '' ■>■•■■ 

Sophia. N«yMa(isitV) ^oWiiAaci wote iudt 
alTignations ^^'bo^ ^t'CtA6iKl and Sir An- 
iJrew. *. ■il-.ojn-v' J-' .'■; ; ■. .■' 
■'■■'Lad^'-A. Tiie fColft(i«l' t*j ! mcrcf on me! 
*Ou'dn -t -one content ^oU, ■ 

'Sophia.^ Yei5 Madflti i - biit I did it to bring 
them together, iihd liisgha^'theiA} for indeed 
tiKy*hinrfffotMi'dr«e*«-**" -i 

1a^>A- tThey-'tfiz'dyad there's efiroI^ety■t 
look ye; I i(n«w^ey!'tiAt ind deipife yeu, 'iind 
chey hiw "bptii told me- a A(CNif»n<l times that 
your love was troublefome aod^i'gtiftinff. : '■' ' 
' .ydkff. Yourlladylhip, I ?»> 'ccMrcradict thae — 
for I- have novln my pwditcl iMtjl'Xheir-ttifvreii 
to Sopbkl's^afll^n>tit>D^«ft:h ace'cpcs^hef-iiliTi* 
Htion, -aiJA will behetv ax t4ft:idmc appoliited--^ 
facfidM, you tniift berenflbleittrnt. her loving 
theni'i6 a'^ke.- : ■ .« . i . ; , ■.;* ' 

Lady A. Joke ! don't talk to me of jokes, Si»-r* 
I never made one life j and ^ itnow Ihe 
loves themasWch as they (fetcft her-— and it's 
t^ oVmg to her romantic turn of mind, her'a^- 
ing, her writing — ' .,%'--. . > 

tepbi^ N>i7> ^ Ladi^t don'c abufe triy talep^ts 
— didn'; n^ kit pre^u^jon go (hroiigti four 
fditions f . • . ■ c , -^ 

-. L^y A, Yes J , .a^d why dirf it ? becaufe it wai . 
patronized.' And now-a-days, it is hot the book 
itfirif, but the name of theperfon who writes it! 
"' While 


'A C O M X D T. 45 

l/nOt z woman of ^ftinn &sU vnte \ bftd «ork, 
and have a thoufand fubfcrtbors, a pootr, rtegledt»- 
ed rciaii'tt^ genlutr-lhaU write a good one, and 
not have a fingle patron ! 'if indeed, youind fei*- 
tewkl my - ^dvice^'-wi-iueii fentimehtally - and 
morally — • '- .(-' ' '. , 

Sophia. I did Madarji— ^ X fjid wme moiaily, 
and wh^ i^as th? conicguence ! I had madc' a 
fum of money by a' Novel cjll'i " Sedu'^iort* 
—and loft it all bV writing an " Effay on CTia- 
rityi" but indeftdj^ir Andrew and theCbionel arc 
tp^Umf, 4iiftli^y(|v^:\^cai%o«))}ii;,:fab'il,fec 
4*e9icome to f be afl59»ati<i8. . ..; , i 

. ta^ 4' Ticy cfiiew t (Hty . k«fff )h«»«r— b«(- 
A<des die^ifing yojtj 'tl}<iy YiUiuMny;gwd<opinio« 
toohigh^y «> tr>|ifr«i<^»ie; iildiiBiTi«i>r*pfrrfo!,.re- 
« ihe CQwitf y^ \ • Xiofingbiifief bm. 

. Ah«. Pray hsVprwrin^ Mad»m. 

Z^ ^. I'll hear nothing — fhc ftali Ite.puniftir 
cdl. Ibefeafll CJf^Sti*. AfiQRBw withaut) Blefs 
nu^t i»hat;do j feof fny hnlbvid 'C8p«Mt>g anA 

Sopkit. Ay; there's one of tlicm-Hwid' fet^ 

Madam — yonder'stht other. . . 

LaJ^ A. TheColoncl as (live! — Thisisamaz- 

ing! Aand back and let's obferve them. 

Enter Sir Andrew, with a letter in bis band. 
Enter Col. Hubbus^ wiib a letter in bis band. 

Col. *' Thou dear perfidious !" 

Sir Andrew. " Thou gay deceiver !" 

Sir Andrew. " I adore you, as much as I abhor 

the Colonel." 

Col. " I adoUze you as much as I defpife Sir 




4« ROTO R I ET'Y. 

- 8^/1 (toming httwm them, dofeU tbeCtaXh- 
Mt) My pretty. Colonel 1 

al. There! (nmmgfnm ha in pittj^, md 

SeMla. My dunning Baronet 1 {tmittg i^U 

f jr^MMi. My wgel I 

;iritjljitilit» /WW <»«■*««» litr—At ColOHEi 



iMlf JStt Ibmiet fir IharM! « liUl ynilr 

boafted honour* at your' time of Hie — ■* thoo 

dear {xTSdHW?" fww Coumil]— and you,iriiac 

kare yootofiif fcryomiilf, "Mioa gaydeoeiverj" 

SirjMm.' aifl (utrim Iht Umr} tihy, 

mtxnai/ft'aiafkairm&naei mditng i> la 

ptei^iqs-tttofee-afiieiiduithefime fitwtibn— • 

Halloa. Colond! (Smt^ 

Ladf J. Sophia, I am now cooviiw'dof fbur 

innocencC} and will make yovamendalfyttading 

your manorcripcsy praiSag your aftiog, and &y- 

ii^ you're To good a letter-writer, that-1 believe 

you're tlw author of Junius, [fimfitf^ 

IND or ACT 111* 


A t O M £ D y. 47 


SCENE— ^Par*. ' .. ■■ 

£lE/«r ClAIRTILtE. 

' Clair. Mjr diftrefles crowdoo me & U&t diac't 
will endeavour to i« my brother once nme « 
and if he ftiH avoids ine> InMlft'banidi Honiv& 
from my thought^ and fiek'tiiat peace abroad, 

my cnemimfcnytne hdft. J-' •- 

■ ^ ' ' ' J^l& OVtAACK thajil^.j 

O'fPl^k. Ri]»T^t^::^-aiake .imtr cTcs^ 
your honDuv-Hbrah ! bcoffbdbic.tte-coquuM 
hnr hold of youT'By^ nvf ftlTadoo ! whorl think 
niyourrmmrtrnxit I iOui't bete t^tDg out mjr 
taoai^oir^takij^- tut hit haaA^dnef mid aj* 

Omr. Wiiat is the matter, O'Wkack? 

C^^*-*. The matter! Why, if yow don't 
feunper you'll be baftikd before you can liqr 
"Kilbrheyl", - , 

Ciair. What can this mean ? Eiplun I 

0'*PJ«f*. Doucement !— I'll tell you— As I 
pafied yonder promenade, an old friend of mine* 
who is an officer* or ^wiliff, d'ye fee— cold me he 
was coming to carry yoiir honour to prifim— 
**What, Monfieur Clairville," iays I^" the 
fime,** fays he— "tlwn/'faysl — "beafy nowj 
for, by St. Patridc, if you touch a hair of hta 
head, rUfoupmaigreyou this inllant.** — Says he, 
^" I muft do my duty." "And I mine," 
—fays I — ^"j^ And remember, my honey, it is as 
afy to have pity in your heart, as it is to Cpikfi 
French wichouc (he brogue, ma foi !" This 


4» NOT© R 1-E-T Y: 

foftencd him, your honour, and he pronoifcd to be 
a chcr amis to you dS to-morrow. 

Clair. Thanks! my good fellow, thanks! 

O'ff^baci. C'cftne_pastmit,tho' — Fanny, Mi& 
Sophia's maid, as pretty a fiUe de thambre as 
ever made a faux pa^ gave me a bit of a hin^ 
that there was a curSt black .bufuiefs in.the wind, 
fcctwecn yonr brcrthcr, Lord Jargon, and Lady 
Acid^-She thinks they nieantQ put you in limbo, 
bccafc Madrtnbrfclle HonoHa' fcves Vou ; and bj 
my foul, tTtii^y do, Til rtiafcethe old cat C17 
*:* Mifericorde," till flic's black in the fecc ! 

Ciair, I won't believe it-r-rl know Lord Jargon 
loves Honorii ; but T can never think, that on 
t^at accoont Ije'd make a jiriliner of his broker 
— Bbt he'stconilng this Way'^l'fltall^^ to him— 
Jrave' lis togetKef . ■ 

O'ft^atk. ThatI wHwi* MU my' heart and 
fati\, forXcan'tbeirtopxiC my-iyesupon Wm—I^ 
Bon repos to your honour — I'll give you a cVU ill 
the morning, aii'di'' \b the meah time, be deWjn- 
liaire, dy^ lee-^rU any you through, depend 
^n't. 1. ■ . ;,■-.■- .• iT.L-r 

Ciair. My kind feUow — how ikall I -repay 
jou? - ■ ' 

- O'ffltack. Oh, your honour, I never fergeif an 
irijligationy Ao' I may an injury — You fav'd me 
in danger,.^tnd if I don't de Wion pofTibleto'bo- 
ther all year enemies! fay I'm not the' bonne 
bouchedf AeO'Whack's, that's all ! fSHt,. 

. Ciair. I cannotj will not fufpcft him of' facli 
treachery— ^ho' he' has been long 'dead to bro- 
therly affeflion, he never can be capable of fuch 



, . A C O M E D y, 19 

Enter Lord Jargon. 

iMd yar. (afide) THs poor wretch here ! I 
was in hopes he was difpofed of. 

Chit. Brother, a word •, I have a favour to 
intrcat of yotr; for ncceffity, extreme necelfity 
compels me— iA fhort, if you do not affift me, 
I ihall be arrefted in an hbur, and jn jail per- 
haps the remainder of my life. 

Lord Jar. Arrefted! Wh» can be fo hard- 
heartcdj Harry ? You know my friendftiip and 
liberality i but as to lending you money, that's 
a thing I can't make up mty mind to. 

Clair. The fum I require is fmall, my Lord— 
A few hundreds will convey me far from the per- 
fecutioh of my creditors ,- and by retirement and 
oeconomy, in a few years, perhaps, I (hall bo 
able to repay you with honour ; and once more 
appear in the world as your Lordlhip's brother. 

L'srd Jar. I hope you may, Harry ; — but pe- 
titions are fo numerous^-^ 

Clait. Petition ! *Tis my demand, Sir ! When 
the old I^ord died, you know he left hia fortune to 
- you, in the fiill cbnviftion you would provide 
for me — and this is the return ! While you are 
affiuent enough to fquander thoufands in the 
whirlpool of fafliion, you are cruel enough to fee 
a brother wafte his life in poverty ! But, go on, 
my Lord — exult and riot in my father's riches-^ 
I win be prouder of his virtues 1 

Lord Jar. Oh, the old cant ! You never heard 
me ut(er a fentiment in your life—Never ! for 
the man who boalls of virtue and feeling,. feldom 
praftilcs cither the one or die other--- But you 
detain mf , Harry-—! am going to figh away aa 
hour with Honoria. 

Clair, [eagtrly'l With Honofia, brother ? 

H Lord 


jo KOTajtlETYf 

Lord Jar. Yes, with Honoria, brother ! Don't 
yOii envy me -my triumph ? 

■ Clair. Ungenerous man ! Is it not enough to 
abandon me to the world, a beggar, and a wan- 
derer, but you muft wound me in the teridereft 
point— diftraft me with fuch thoughts— but I 
havtf done— Farewell, my Loi;d !, perhaps we 
Ihali never meet again !— I nowfufpetthim, and 
will warn Honoria of her danger ! \afide\ 

Lord Jar, Adieu, Harry! — Shall I tell the 
charming girl any thing about you ? 

Clair. Yes, Sir;-— tell her, purfucd t^ ene- 
mies, and deferted by my friends, I know not 
where to fly for fafety ! Tell her, not fo much on 
my own account, Ilamcnt-my misfortunes, as on 
her's J lince, abjeift and .forfaken as I am, I can- 
not fli^ltfr or proteift her ! Tell her, I once 
hopcd^irJbrgivc my weaknefs \weepin^—-h\ix. if 
you have one fpark of pity for the loft Clairville, 
beftow JE on Honoria-— Be her friend, and you 
ihall ftill be mine— Farewell ! \Exiu 

Lord Jar, Ay j go your, ways; you'll never 
fee her again — For here comes the, chair that 
gives me poilefHon of her for evet. 

Enter Cbai} men with ihair. 

Sit it down, and wait till I return — I muft ftep 
over to-my houfe, to order fervants to be near y 
hand i for tho' I'm determined not to be violent 
— yet, if flic demurs, I'll force her! — I'll • ■ 

Etiter Nominal, half drunk^Jingingt 

Noiit. Ha ! Peerl my. boy, how are you.— 
I hate wine; but I've been drinking to keep up 
- my charaftcr, and I'm .the moft unlucky dog 
alive — I've been fearching every where for an ad- 
venture, and can't find one— I can'c get into 
notice ! 



Lord Ja^. Can't you ? 

iVow. No; I can't makemyfelf confpkuous ! 
and yet I've been abfurd, particular, and noify — 
But what fignifles ? every body elfe is the fame ! 
,The whole town's Co ridiculous, that to be ftared 
at, ? man fhould be as quiet, ^nd as dull as— a 
fimile ! Heh, Peer ! [taking Jmff^ and offering 
Lord Jargon7«»i^.3 

IjirJ Jar. How can you drink, I hate it — 'If 
I iridulged myfelf in fiich odious cuftoms, do you. 
think I Ihouid be a favourite with (■he women ? 
\taking afinth,^ 

Nam. Favourite with the women ! ■ Ay, there's 
the rub! If I could get chcfanne of an intriguej 
or an elopement, or my other fweet impropriocyl 
oh !. 

Lord Jar, Intrigue or elopement ! — Um I 

Nam. Um ! Why, what's the matter with 
you ? " - 

Lord Jar. hook yc. Nominal — nothing is fo 
(hocking as to impart fecrcts, or boaft of a Lady's. 
favours — It's what I never d». Sir — *Elfe 1 Gou'd 

tell you 

- :Nom. Tell me! — what? 

Lord Jar. That 1 am this moment going on 
both an intrigue and an elopement I 
- A'flw. Thedev^lyoii are! who? when? where '3 
open, unfoldi you amiable !— you furprizing 
'fenator ! 

Lord Jar. Fie ! do. you think I'd betray the 
confidence of the fair ? No,ifI w;as only to .hint 
to you that, that chair — that very chair was to 
take me to a certain Baronet's. hcaife, inftead of a 
wax figure— 

Nom. Wax-figure ! Go oo' — difpatch ! I'm 
iiU'on fire ! wheugh'! \rubbing bis bands and 
jewing figns of great jey-l 

Ha Lord 



Lord Jar. I fay, I IhouJd be the grcatcft raf- 
cal livings if I was only to hint that I intrigued 
with the Bwonet's wife, that Jbe was to eonduft 
me to the chjtmber of 4 youiig l^y» sad thaf 

their names were- — ■■ . 

Nem. Hang their nsmes ! only let me under* 
ftandj that chair, you fiy^ takes you to the \idj 
with whom you intrigue, #nd ihe conduft* yoi| 
to the girl with whom you dope \X^r<i neds aj- 
/(Ht\ Bravo, my boy! t>ravo! Give me your 
hand; and uow, cyrfe me if I can help Uvghingj 
to rhink how they'll all be furprized ! ha, ha, hal 
LordJ^. No, nor l-^-The old hulband little 
thinks who's coming to make a fool of him | ha, 
ha, ha ! But, excufe roc a moment — I muft ftep 
over the way to order fervants to be near rhs 
houfe — Stay till I return, and you'll fee what a 
Sgure I'll make in the chair. 

Norn. Yes, yes — I'll ftay— rBut go over tb« 
way — Get along with you, wheugh ! 

Lord Jar. I fay, NominiiJ, I hn^y you'd Ijfefl 
togoip the chair tnftead of mf, h^, ha^ ha.! 
Norn. Yes, that I would, ha, ha, ha 1 

[Exit Lord Jargon, 
And if I don't !: — if I don't perch myfelf ifl jhc 
centre of it — dam'me if I know any thing ^f fw^j 
Or notoriety ! Gad, this is the luckicft hit— I 
Tllight have been whole fiears luring one wWWi 
into an intrigue, or another into an elopement— t 
biit here's the bufinefs ready cut out tp my handsj 
»nd, therefore, that no tinne may be loft — yoi 
two coronet fupporters {hyiw hoid ofcbairmfi} 
open the chair, and let me be the Peer's proxy !— 
Take me to die Baronet's direftly, or by all that** 

Firfi Chairman. Blood and ounds 1 is the RW) 



' A CpMPDY. 53 

Ne». [Jkaking tbtm.1 No trifljijg!— Hfire's a 
purf? and ^ pijlol ! Money or myrder ! Take 
your chdcc this moment i 

Sece^4 Chairman. T»ke t^e moncyi Pat) take 
(be money I 

Nets. Here you roguep, here ! {_g'v!ftgpurfe.'^ 
Aid Bflw 1 fwcar, whatever were hjs i ordfhjp's 
defigns; mine (hill be harmlefs and honourable 1 
. AU I W9nt is the fame of the thing, and if I fra« 
get thfiE, hang me ifl'U fatigui? myfelf or the 
Xiodieb! So, open the chair, and away> ray boys ! 
[xtts in and keh from window.} When you fep 
Ju^Lordfhip, peU him the next time he is going 
on an amour, not to mention it before hand— f 
^ead on to notoriety !; — Drink and drive care 
ijway f [Exit in chair. 

Re-enter Lord Jargojt. 

Lord Jar. Now, Nominal, now yoi| fliall- fee 
what a figure I'll cut in the chair ! — How ! what ! 
gone ! the chair too ! S'death ! I cut a very pretty 
figure indeed i — 3ut, I'll be revenged — I'll fol- 
Jow him, and hnvc fafisfaaion diredly ; and fop 
ClairviUe and Honoria, I'll betray one, and inv 
prifon the otherj 1 will^ as I'm a gentleman 
jaat] a tfi^ of honour ! [.E.xit. 

fiCENE-r-LjiDY Acip's Dreffing RBem—Tciiettfi 
— Vo^rs open in Flat-r— and Part of^ Bed/een— 
■ Chairs and Candles. 

Enter Hohoria with a Utter. 

Hon. Canit be pofTible? Can flicwho fhouM 
protect me, thus betray me? 1 wi^ll not, 
^are not believe it ! and yet would ClairviUe ter- 



rify mc with filfe fufpicions? Let mc read the 
Ictrcr once more — (reads) " 1 liavc been juft 
" informed, that Lord Jargon and Lady Acid 
•* have defigns againft you, and thaf, to-nighr, 
" they rnean to, put their villainy in execution— 
** I hope they cannot be lb treacherous; but aj 
" you Jove my peace or yoiir own, be on your 
*' guard — beware Honoria ! and remember the 
'• unhappy Ckirville!" Ifitbe true, how Ihall 
1 extricate myfelf ? The Colonel is fo convinced 
of LadyAcid's honour,that allfupplication to him 
would be in vain — ^Alas ! I have no friend to fuc- 
cour or defend me, and hdpkfs as I am-» 
Ha! (he comes! I dread to meet her. 

. ' Enter hADV A aiD. 

Lady A. How! not gone to your chamber, 
Honoria ? 

lion. I'm going. Madam — her very' Ibok 
alarms me ('iT/fi/r.) 

Lady A. What is the girl muttering? I declare 
you grow more and more forward and impertinent 
every hour— but I'll humble you — I'll make an 
example of you! 

Hon. (kneeling) Oh ! on my knees let me en- 
treat your pity 1 do not defert me, do not aban- 
don me — promife me I Qiall not .be in the power 
of Lord Jargon, and I'D be your flave for 

t-ady A, Lord Jargon t why, what's the fool 
thinking of ? Have you loft your fenfes? 

Hm. No — not yet, Madam^ — but if I refain 
the;m, it muft be by your humanity— you have 
xiften faid that you would be a mother to me— 
be fo now — fave me from this hour of dangfi 
and — — 

■ ■ U^ 


A . C p M E D y. 5^ 

Lady A. Danger ! let me hear m> -more of this 
Infolence, but be gone !— , 

Enter 'Zztxy, follow'dhy Chairmen with Char. 

Beliy. The chair wirfithe figure, your Lady- 

Lady A, Put it down and leave it (exemt 
■Betty and Chairmen.) Now comes my triumph ! 
(afide') How! not gone yei, Mifs ? Retire this in- " 
ft..nt, or ■ 

■ Hon. I obey. Madam — Oh ! what, what will 
become of me.? (£*iV. 

Lady A, There flie goes ! and now for my 
dear, dear Lord ! i^taps at cbfUr window). Lord 
Jargon ! Lord Jargon ! come forth, and my dear 
Lord, cnfure your prize — [Nominal lets down 
the front glajs, looks at hr, and nods'} Heavens ! 
what do 1 fee ? 

Nom. No Lprd — or wax figure, but as lively 
a fellow as ever you inuiguedwich — (/l^i»g) Fine 
jolly woman. 

Lady A. Who are you ? has his Lordfhip fent 
you to infult me ? 

Nom. Noi he has fent mr, not todffappoint 
you J (fpying again) Rather fat tho' — (hsock) 

Lady A. Mercy! there's my hulband ! 

Nom. \_eagerly~\ Your hufband ! Tell me, my 
darling, teil me, is he jealous f 

Lady A. Jealous ! — to an extreme ! 

Nom. What! he'll bring an aftion, and fue fir 
a divorce ? ■' 

lady A. Yes. 

Nom. Paragraph and caricature me? 

iMdy A. . Certainly. 

Nom. Challenge and fight me? 

Lady A. Undoubtedly. 

Nom. Huzza ! bravo ! I'm made ! I'm im^Tior- 
taliz'd ! let me out, and let him in direiSIy. 

Col 3^11. 



CdLOHIL HuBBUft iBttbiUt. 

Col, In her dtrfling room is Ihc ? never mind 
->i KAvc the priTilege of going into it: 

Latfy j1. The Colonel ! worfe and worfe ! 

Nem. My guardian ! zounds ! he lAuftn't dis- 
cover me here. 

Ladj A, SiTjifyot! have any gallantry, or — 

Nem. Say no more, my dove, I'm fnug f^a/- 
ting up vnndow) good b'ye, 1*11 make you conrv- 
foruble. — ^asdaing mtdjhutting bimjelfin. ) 

Enter Col. Hubbub. 

Lady A- polbnel, I r^oice to fee you. 

Col. 1 b^ pardon. Madam, for this intrulion, 
but when you know my bufincfs, I think you'll 
forgive me — I come to give Honoria to LiOrd 
Jargon. , , 

Lady J^' Is't pofTible^ Colonel ? 

Col. Yn ; I luve m^e up my mind at laft — 
the high oplnioh I have of your honour, and the 
great rcfpeft I entertain for his Lordfhip, as your 
friend, has tempted me to fign this deed of fettle- 
ment — (producing one) which gives him Honoria 
with a fortune of 30,000/. 

Lady A. My dear Colonel, you delight roe. 

Col. Ay; Ihe will be then fafe from the artifices 
of Clairvillc, and your virtuous wiihes will be 
fatisfied — you know I^ once dcfign'd her for my 
ward Nominal. 

Lady A. ■ Yes ; but he is too diffipated and 

fo/. He profligate ! why, he's the moft ftudi- 
ous, ftupid blockhead alivcj I dare ii-y he is now 


A C M I 9 V. 57 

in his library, poring over Puffend©rf or hemming 
^mimicki/igl with Paul Prig. 

Lady /i. Well ! I never faw him, Colone]j but 
I've heard he's the moll noify riotous young man 
in town — ha* his amours — his — • 

• Col. Amours ! I fhould as foon fufpcft your 
Ladyfliip of an intrigue, as he — Noify and riot- 
pus too! Oh that he was ! I'd give him a Borough 
to-morrow, {^qmihau here rai/eslbe top ofcbmrt 
end pops bis beadgiu.^ 
. ^»m. Hem ! \retires direBly.l 

Col. Zounds! vAxa.\.'sx!tiAt\_gomg towards chair\ 
the devil ! here's fomcbody in the chair ! 

Lady A. Ha, ha ! you'll laugh when I tell you 
what it iff — it's a purchafe of Sophia's. 

Col. Purchafe ! I fwearl faw a man's head. 

Lady A. A man ! Ha, ha I that's very good ( 
it's a wax figure. 

Col. A wax figure ! 

Ijidy A, Yes; and as Sir Andrew knows no- 
thing of it, I intrcat you not to tell him. 

Col. Oh, T underftand — what, it's to fupply 
his place when he's out of the way — well, well ! 
\trying to look at (V.] 

IMy A. Fie, Colonel I an't you afliam*d tq 
look at a Lady's curiofities f Pofitively if you 
don't come away, I'll have it removed [pulling 
him away.l But how' could you fuppofe it to be a 
man ? fufpeft me of an intrigue ! 

CoL I don't fufpeft you — I believe you to be all 
virtue, tendernefs and truth. 

Enter Sir Andrew A<;id. 

Sir Andrew. Ay, ay ; I^ tell Jwr myfrl^ 
[[peaking as he enters.'] My dear. Lord Jaigpn i^ 
below, and defires to lee you direftly. 

Lady A. I'mbufy, Sir Andrew, let him wait. 

I a/, 



Col. \afide to Laify'\ No, no — foftly — I have a 
thought — is Honoria at home ? 

Lady A. Yes j Ihe's in the next room. 

Col. Then, hark ye, as hisLordftiipisbelow, 
go to him and tell him my intentions, and if hg 
approves, he Ihall have Honoria this very mo- 

Lady A. I will, Colonel — O Lord! here is Sir 
Andrew — As you regard me, don't mention the 
figure — If that fellow is difcovercd, my charac- 
ter's loft for ever [ajide,'] \_Exit. 

Enter Sir Andrew. 

Sir Andrew. So, dear perfidious ! 

Col. So, gay deceiver ! Ah, Sir Andrew, you 
pught to blufh for your inconftancy — fo good, lb 
faithful a wife, as Lady Acid ! 

Sir Andrew. It's very true, Colonel; and if I 
didn't think it would make her too happy, I'd 
own my errors — She is indeed all virtue — I'll tell 
you what — (he has all your gaieties, with your 
ward Nominal's prudence. 

Col. Plague take you ! Am I never to hear of 
any ,thing but that ftupid dog's prudence F But 
your wife, Sir Andrew — All her amufements arc 
ib innocent ! — Wax now — She prefers wax to real 
life {looking round at chair.'] 

Sir Andrew. Wax ! 

Cel. Yes ; tho' flie'd die before Ihe'd have a 
young man in her room, I don't think flic has 
much objeftiorftoa wax-figure. 

Sir Andrew. Waxrfigure ! Why, what die 
devil arc you at ? 

Cel. I didn't fay there was one in a fedan chair, 
.^id I ? ■ 



A C O M E D Y. Si 

Nem. No, but I do though — Zounds, would 
you keep me in obfcurity ! 

Nominal walks Jolemnly outbetweeti hmand 
/if Colonel, ^bey ftand aftonijbed. 

Lady Acid re-enters. 

Sir Andrew. Zounds, the wax-figure is a livs 
gallant ! 

Col. Yes, and my ftudious ward is a dafhing 
dog at laft ! 

Ncm. Yes ! it's I, ggardy, who was a ftudenC 
in the morning ; who caned you at night — who 
■will fight that gentleman, who intrigues with this 
lady [embracing Lady Acid] and will elope 
with any tJody ! And what's more, who rejoices 
to difcover himftlf, bccaufe he expofe's hypocrilyj 
and faves an innocent girl from mifery. 

Col. {dancing andjinging'\ Ti, di, di, di ! he has 
it! he has It! he has it! the rogue's the tnie thing 
after all — Comt to thy old guardian's arms ! 
Let me gaze on thy dear face — There it is ! The 
real tumultuous dafhing look ! You dog, you 
ihall come into Parliament to-morrow. 

Lady A. Are .you mad. Colonel ? 

Sir Andrew. Ay ; dam'me, are vou mad, Co- 
lonel ? 

Col. {to Ladv Acid] Out of the way, dif- 
fembler ! I know you now, and defpife you— 
But is he a real man of fcnfe at laft! Will he give 
up WeftminfterHall.PuffendoiJJ and Paul Prig, 
to intrigue, elope, fight a Baronet, and cane a 
Colonel in the guards ? Oh, 'tis too much 1 
Give me joy, old boy I 

Sir Andrew. Good night {going."] 

Juady A. Sir Andrew, I infill- on a hearing. 

Norn. Stay, Baronet — I hope you're fatisficd. 

Sir A. Satisfied of what ? 



Nan, That it's I, and not afiy body ejft who 
intrigues with this all'virtuous woman— Upon vaf 
foul it's mc-— And do mration it every where, do, 
there's a fwcet fmiling pteafant fellow; fay it's me, 
aftd we'll all get into print together. 

Sir Andrew^ Damnation \ t^''- 

Lady A. Hear me. Sir Andrew — I'll toUow 
him and explain the bufinefs direftly — ^For you. 
Colonel, I leave you to your delufion, and for 
your prudent ward — Oh, Was there ever any 
ihing fo unlucky ! \Exiu 

Col. Go your ways, hypocrite l—And now, 
my boy, my darling, let's to fuppcr, and crown 
the night with mirth and merriment— Odsheart I 
"What a likenefe of me, and his old uncle ! Come, 
for I do fo long to hear the hiftory of your 

Nom. Ay j you Ihall hear them all, from Paul 
trig to the juftice — from the peer to the wax- 
lig;ure ; and ttien, if you don't iay, I'm as eccen- 
tric and ridicidous as you wifli mc — why, I'U 
never beat a JKck-a& again, as long as I live. 




A C O M E D Y. 61 


SCENE— OajffAc/ Sir Andrew's Houfe. 

Enter O-Whack. 

O'ff^ack. Oh ! my poor mailer ! — he's dead! 
btttcheredj murdered! Ihot in a duel> b^ that 
Btirgeois Peer, Lord Jargon! Mifericordiel 
Mifericordie ! What (hall I do to bring him CO 
lift again ? I'll go home— I'll— — 

Enter Sauntbr. 

Sam. So, O'Whack— Lord Jargon has cafled 
Oat my friend Nominal, in confcquence of the 
afiiur at Lady Acid's. 

O'ff^ack, Ccic vrais, your honour— and he'l! 
never go out again — II eft: mott — i'^etpiHg.'\ 

Sam. How ! 

O'ff^back. He's dead — dead as King Lear. 

Sam. Aftonifhing ! Who told you this ? 

O'fFback. ownfadfelf! I^ways 
faid, when Mr. Nominal went out to 6ght a ren- 

Sam. What! 

Q'Wbaek. That he was too much of a gentle- 
man to come home alive again — Oh ! he and 
Blunder O'Whack are one for that — But, your 
honour, is there no way of putting alittle breath 
into him ? 

Saun. Ridiculous! you know nothing of the 
matter, I fee — and I'm all anxiety to hear the 
ilTue of this unhappy duel. 

O'lVback. Et moi aufli — and I'll go home and 

wait for his relief.— Oh, he's dead ! he's dead ! 




And here ami, a folitaire, in the wide world by 
myfelf! \Exif. 

Sam. Where can I gain intelligence ? Ihave 
a thoufand fears for my friend — Lord Jargon, i 
know, is full of anirnofity, and Nominal is too 
fond of fame, to make him an apology — Poor 
fellow ! if he fliould be killed, or even wounded. 

Enter Nominal, 

Norn. Wounded ! Why, here I am, George } 
as found and as merry — Wounded ! — Oh, you 
dull dog I 

■ Sauti. Dull I Why, fi'om your fervant's ac-. 
count I might fuppofe you were dead. 

Nam. Dead ! Pfhoo ! Do you think I don't 
know better ? Hark ye, fince we're alooe, I'll 
let you into a fecret. — Lord Jargon wanted to 
challenge me, but cou'dn't fummon up courage ; 
lb, fooner than lofe the glory of a combat with fo 
great a man, 1 confented to [whtjfering bim\ you 
underftand me, we fought to fatJsfy the town, 
not ourfelves. 

Saun. Satisfy the town ! how do you mean ? 
^ Norn. How do I. mean ? Why, do you think 
we fought to pleafe ourfelves ? Nonfenfe ! That's 
been gone by long ago — No, no ; the cafe was 
this — He was compelled to fight to fave his re- 
putation, and I chote to fight, to get a name ! 
So we kept up appearance, meafured ground^ 
exchanged ftiots, leconds interfered — applauded 
our fpirit, figned the report — And now we're both 
men of honour ss long as we live ! — There, you 
rogue — (hot ourfelves into notice. 

Saun. Bravo ! And while the world is fangui- 

nary enough to compel thofe to bleed like heroes,, 

who wiih to live like men ; why, you and his 

lordlbip may glory in having tricked them. But 



A C O M E D Y. 63 

fince my cares on your account are over— allow 
me to enquire at this houfe after my coufm So- 
phia—Poor girl ! Sir Andrew has behaved to 
her in a manner fo cruel and inhuman- — - 

Sophia opens the window. 

Sophia. Coufin — Coufin! — I'm lock'd up— I 
can't get out — Sir Andrew has confined me in 
this room, till he fends me to the country for 
- JViW». Here's a pretty bufinefs ! 

Saun. What ! he was offended at the Jham 
afCgnation, was he i 

Sophia, So he fays — But I know it's all owing 
to his wife — He is fo out of humour with her, 
that he mufl be revenged on fomebody ! Coufm, 
won't you affift me ? Will you let me be buried 
in woods, and watle my youth with fat calves 
and fucking pigs ? 

Norn. No J before you Ihall wafte an hour 
I'll kill all the fet calves and fucking pigs in Eng- 
land — Fair lady, if your couiin don't releafe you, 
I will — Gad, I was only thinking of an elope- 
ment, and pop (he comes to my purpofe. 

SauH. Be patient, Sophia — I'll go direftly to 
the Colonel, and requeft his interfercnee with 
Sir Andrew — But hulh ! the old tyrant's coming 
this way — Shut down the window, and depend 
on my proteftion. 

Nem. And on mine, fweet excellence ! 

[Sophia difappfars.'\ 
Faith ! that is the luckieft houfe — Laft night 
I helped a gentleman into it, and to day, per- 
haps, I may hand a lady out of it — I'll have her^ 
whoever Ihe is — My dear Saunter, tel^ me what's 
her name ? 




Saun. Don't you know her ? It's Sir Andrew's 
ward, SophU) a great authords, and private 

Norn. A private aSrcfs ! that's a public charac- 
ter ! Then there's a pair of us, and if" we elope, 
we fliall alarm all Europe ! 

Saittt. She has heard of you, Nominal, and 
between ourfclves,hasa great prepoflelBon in your 
favour—^he loves fingularity, and is coufe- 
quently fo fond of your charafter 

Nom. There ! I faid it would happeiv— the 
moment I got the fame of a duel and an intrigue, 
I knew no woman could ftand me ! But George, 
my boy 1 how can I fee her ? fpeak to her ? Is 
there no way ? * 

Sam. None, unlefs you can prevail on her 
guardian — here he is ! try him— tor my part, I'll 
to the ColoneL 

Norn. I will — I'll try him, George, andiflcan 
coax him into an intervipw [exit Saunter] 1*11 
humour him, ^ve him a touch in his own way. 

jE»/^Sir Andrew Acid. 

Sir Andreiv. Plague on them all, I fay ! But 
chiefly that devil incarnate, that Nominal ! 

Hem. Sir Andrew, I want to aflt a favour of 

Sir Andrevo. Do you ? I never grant any, Sir. 

Ttfijw. Nay, you don't know me, Sir Andrew — 
if you dkl, you'd grant me any diing — I am a 
maq after your own heart [('« a melamboly vsice} 
1 am, indeed, fo out of humour with the world 
— that, like you, I wifli to fee every body in it as 
miferable as myfcl f 

Sir Andrew. You do, do you ? 

'Htm. Yes, indeed. Sir— and if you knew how 

mifinthropicaliy I fpent my time— Oh, 1 once 



A C O M E D Y. 6s 

piScd fuch a happy day, Sir Andrew ! Exaftly 
in your own way— -I'll cell you ■ 

Sir Andrew. Exactly in my way ! 

Nem. Yes, Sir j I awoke at five, and faw a 
neighbour's houfe on fire ! was fecond in a duel 
at fix, and tny man loft the tip of his ear ! dined 
at four, and Something in the wine that made fix 
of my acquaintance fick~^ank tea, and in- 
trigued with my friend's wife till eight — a fat 
lady I — went to the new comedy, faw it complete- 
ly damned — fupped with the poor devil of an 
author i and to conclude, lodged fix of the a£lors 
in the round-houfe ! there ! wasn't that a happy 
day ! And now, let me fee your ward ? 

Sir Andrew. See Sophia ! zounds ! neither 
you, nor any body elfe Ihall ever fee her ^in I 
That chaife — [foinls to one witboul\ is waiting 
to take her to the country direftly, and ftie ihall 
live and die in an old cafl:le on a brown moor. 

Norn. Shall ftie? 

Sir Andrew. Yes ; I'll be revenged on her for 
you all ! And fo your fervant— — 

[^knocking at bis own door.'\ 

Norn. Stay, thou dear connoiflcur in wax- 
figures, and tell mc, how's your wife ? 

Sir Andrexv. Oucof theway. Sir ! — I'llpumfli 
,her too — and for you and the reft — 

Norn. Ay ; you'd play the devil with all man- 
kind if you could. 

Sir Andrew. If they were like you, I would; for 
then the world would be fo wicked, that an ho- 
neft man cou'dn't make too muchmifchief! But 
becaufe my wife has deceived me, don't think 
my ward fliall— No, no j I have her fafe, 1*11 
teach her to make affignations — {Jervant opens 
dcor.l And (o, once more your favant, prudent 
Mr. Student ! [enters houfe. 



Nem. I fliall !ofe her ! here'll be no elope- 
ment ! no being purfucd by her relations — hunted 
by.the court of chancery — advertized by govern- 
ment, or what's bcft of all, carried to the Fleet 
or King's Bench, midfl the fhouts of oM muds, 
and groans of boarding fchool mifles 1 

ETtter SovHwfrom ibeboujei with her ekedc m, 

Sophia. So — Heaven be praifed, I have made 
my cfcape — and now, if I knew where to fly for 
■proteftion — 

Norn, \baviHg obferved her\ Fly into my arms, 
my angel — I'll put you into chat chaife in a mo- 
ment, out of town in an indant, at Gretna Green 
in a fccond, and/in all the news-papers and print- 
Ihops before to-morrow morning f 

Sophia. Upon my word. Sir, I'm very much 
obliged to you 1 \(urtfies.'\ Pray, may 1 aflt who 

Norn. Who I am? Why, if you don't know 
me, you know nothing — I'm Nominal 

Sophia. Nominal! Is it poflible ? What I the 
gentleman who fo generoufly rcleafed me from 
the Colonel, and has lince made fo much noife 
and confiifion P 

Nem. Yesi I'mthcmanl I've made a noife ! 
and if you love notoriety — you muft prefer me 
te all heroes, paft, prcfent, or to come ! My 
angel ! . \takes her hanJ} where Ihall I con- 
dud you ? As hr, or as near as you pleafc— 
[afide."] I Ihall get as much fame by two miles, as 
two hundred — for though I mean to be honour- 
able, I know the world is two fcandalous to think 
me iol 

Sophia. Ah ! I wifh I could depend on you — 
You fee I've no fefource — I muft either return to 
the tyranny of my guardian, or truft t9 your 
honour and geDerofity. 


-. , D,gn,-.rihyGOO>^-IC 


■ Nom, Truft ! Look ye, my charming ^rl ! I've 
had an intrigue without an intimacy — a duel 
without enmity, and I meant to have had aa 
elopement without matrimony ! But, by Heaven 1 
there's fomething in your pcrlbnand manner, has 
io won upon me ! that, let me have the fame of 
carrying you off, and hereafter you Ihall difpofe 
of me as you pleafe ! 

Sophia. I believe you j and if you will conduft 
me to a relation's houfe, a few miles from town — 

Nom. Come along, Sophia ! — Faith ! I've 
been fo long looking for a creature fo eccentric 
as myfel^, that now I've found one, I'll not eafily 
part with it I 

Sir Andrew within. 

■ Sir Andrew. Where are you alj — ^Jamcs ! 
Sophia. My guardian's voice — make halle. Sir. 
Horn. Farewell, old mifery, and once more 
for notoriety— \Exit xviih Sophia. 

Re-enter Sir Andrew _^aOT bouft. 

Sir Andrew, There they go ! that devil of a 
fellow has carried her off I I'll purfue them— 


Enter Colonel Hubbub. 

Col. [Jptaking to Nominal'] Huzza 1 that's 
right — away with her. — Look, old boy ! look 
there ! — Firft he intrigues with your wife, and 
then he elopes with your ward ! Isn't he a fine 
fellow ? Isn't he like me ? 

Sir Andrew. Yes ; he's as like you, as one 
madman is like another— but I'll overtake him ! 
I'll make him iludious again, or beat him as 
foundly as he beat you ! I'll be revenged ! 

K 2 Col. 



Col. I knew I ihould bring him up to fome 
purpofe ! Inftead of praftifing law, he'U promote 
It now, and then for a general election — Oh ! 
wha: a fcene will he make at a general eleftion ! 

Enter O'Whack. 

O'Wback. And has your honour found him 
out at laft ? by my foul, I always faid he was as 
full of mifchicf as yourfelf, ma foi. 

Cu/. Yes J that he is! he's me in every thing; 
and here, thou dear tutor, here's fomething for 
the pains you have taken in finifhing his educa- 
tion \£tvmg him money.'] 

O'fVhack. Bicn oblige, your honour ! I never 
wanted the dear craters more in my life ; for 
there's a fine young jontleman juft thrown into 
prifon, who hasn't a fous to fave him from ftar- 
vation — So, d'ye fee, as he once did me a bit of 
a fervicc, I'll do him another ; and then there'll 
be no mauvaire houte betwixt us, you know — 

Cel. What is his name, O'Whack? 

O'fVback. Monficur Clairville 1 poor lad ! I 
believe he was juft going to the Eaftern Indies to 
bring home a large fortune in his pocket, and a 
little hole in his liver. 

Col. Clairville in prifon ! 

O'iVback. C'eft vrais, jewel — his brother, who 
is a lord, and not a gentleman d'ye .fee, had him 
tap'd on the ftioulder, and thrown into jail for a 
thoufand louis d'ors. 

Cel. I know his brother's treachery well ; and 
now rejoice that Nominal befriended Clairville, 
inftead of injuring him — But go to him, 
O'Whack, tell him, I'll fee Lord Jargon, and 
rfo all in my power fo affift him — Go, and com^ 
(ort him. 




O'lVback. I'll go direftly, and ten thoufand 
bleffings on your honour in the bargain — Bon 
jour ! Oh 1 by the eternal powers I I wifli we had 
his Lordfhip in Ireland — I'd lay my beft cha- 
peau to a thirteen, he'd never make a fpeech 
4bout the good of his country again. \^Exit. 

Col, Poor ClairviUe 1 I'll enquire into the 
matter inftantly, and then to hear what Nominal 
has done with Sophia — Oh ! the dear fellow ! 

The breed will hepreferu'd frtmjire to firtt 

And future Hubbubs keep the world on fire* 

SCENE — An apartment with glafs doors — Enter 
HoNORiA from doers, and feeing Lady Acid ■ 
enteringt Puts them in great agitation. 

Hon. Heavens ! Lady Acid ! 

Lddy A. What's the matter with you now ? 
What makes you look fo pale ? 

Hon. Nothing, Ma'am ! nothing— 

Lady A. I come to tell you, that, that wretch 
Ctairville is in prilbn, and will remain there for 
ever ; unlefs you have difcretion enough to ac- 
ceptLordJargon'soffers — then he'll be releafed — 
Nay, none ofyour airs— his Lordfliip is honour- 
able J he means marriage. 

Hon. Marriage ! can his Lordfliip have the 
condefcenfion ? 

Lady A. Yesj and fee where he comes to 
make his own propofals. 

Enter Lord Jargon. 
I've been telling Honoria, my Lord, that you'll 
have the humanity to relcafc your profligate bro- 



thcr from prifbn, if flic'U confent to fliare your 
ritle and fortune. 
Lord Jar. Am I to be the happy man ? 
Bon. Never, my Lord ! 
Lordjar. How t Never I 
Htm. No. — Let me be the fimplj Honoria, 
and eiyoy felf approbation, rather than be the 
wife of your Lordftiip, and lofe the congratula- 
tions of my own htarr, 

La^ A. Hear mc, Honoria — think of the 
title, Uie fafliion ! ■ 

Hon. Fafliion ! contemptible ! I'm weary of 
the very wotf ! What has it ever done, that there 
fhould be fiwk magic in the found ? 'Tis true, 
it has throwiTOveil over vice, exalted the unde- 
lerving, and'gn/en afanftion to diflipation ; but 
has it ever relieved poverty, leffened opprelfion', 
or wiped away tne tear crf'fuficring virtue ! name 
it not then — nor name his Lordftiip asa hufband — 
I lliall treat both with equal difdain. 

Lord Jar. More fentiments ! and where they 
came from, Heaven only knows ! 

Lady A Mighty fine. Madam; but fince you're 
fo arrogant, the Colonel Ihall be told of your be- 
haviour — he fliall hear of your mean mercenary 
difpofition — What 1 though you pretend to de- 
fpife his Lordftiip, you can receive jewels from 

Hon. Jewels! Heaven's ! Was I not compell'd. 
Madam ? 

Lady A^ No matter — the proof is againft you— 
they are in yourpoffcflion, and when your uncle 
hears of it, I'm furc he won't rcfufe his Lord- 
fliip's offers. 




Enter Col. Hubbub. 

Vol. Won't he ? But he will tho' I Tho' I love 
a lad of fpirit, 1 detcft premeditated villainy as 
much as any man — Your brother Clairvillc is in 
prifon, my Lord }. and I'm told by your means. 

Hon. Yes, Sir — 'tis fo — by his, his brother's 

Lady A. Peace ! and let me fpeak — Colonel, 
notwithllanding your prejudices againH: me and 
Lord Jargon, I know when you hear the con- 
du6t of this mean avaricious girl, you'll confefi, 
that his Lordlhiphas a greater cUim to her than 
any other man — You'll allow fidC diamonds are 
rare things ! 

Col. Yes; next to modefly arid good fcnfc, 
the rareft things now-a-days to be met with. 

Lady A. Then, Sir, with ftiame I mention it, 
fhe has recciv'd a necklace from his Lordlhip, 
worth a thoufand pounds. 

Col. How ! Is this true, my Lord ? 

Lord Jar. I can't anfwer you — but I won't de- 
ny it. 

Lady A. She will tell you, that I compcll'd 
her to accept the necklzcc; but even if that were 
the cafe, fhe might have returned it to his Lord- 
fhip long'ere this time. 

Col, *Tis too plain ! I fee it by her blufhes — 
Bafe, fordid girl ! where arc the diamonds ? 
Produce and give them back to his Lordftiip, or 
I fwear — Go fetch them inflantly-^What ! do 
you hefitate ? 

Hon. 1 have not the necklace by me, Sir — I— 

Col. What have you done with it then ? 

Hon, To confefs the truth. Sir — I have fold 




CeL and Lad;/, Soldtc! 

/&». Yes, Sir } to redeem a pifture — to— 

Col. A pifture I give a thoufand pounds 
for a pifture — Let's fee that ! 

Lady A. Sec I flie hefitates again ! Oh ! it's 
all an impofition, and m^ Lord has been de- 
frauded out of his diamonds. 

Him. Wait but a moment, and I'll fliew you 
how he has been defrauded. 

Opens glafi dooTS^ and leads out Clairvilli. 

Here is the jewel" the necklace has redeemed— 
Here is a treafure worth ten times it's value! and 
here is the man I Ihall adore as long as I live— 
lembracmw him.} 

Col. Clairville! 

Ciair. Yes ; that Cl^rville, who muft have 
funk a vittirr to your's [to Lady\ and his Lord- 
fliip's artificcsj had not this lovely angel ftretched 
out hcrhand, and faved me from dcftruftion. 

Col. Well ! thisis the prettieft pifture I ever 
faw ! Look, my Lord j Look, Lady Acid. 

Lordjar. I never was better pleafed ia my 
life — ha, ha ! — Damnation ! 

Col. Nay, pray look — you'll not fee fuch a 
pifture ag^in, and what's better, you'll never 
fee your diamonds again — Clairville, I give you 
joy, and almoft wifti you Honoria's huiband; 
but I've left all that to my ward — the dear boy 
has the fole difpofal of her. 

Latfy J. Has he ? then I hope hell marry her 
himfelf — Any thing rather than flie Ihould be 
thrown away on a pitiful younger brother. 

iji/fl- Nominal with Sophia. 
iVo». Here we are !— the two wonders of the 
ag5 — The elopement's all over the town already^ 


A C O M E D V. 73 

A„d no» what do you think is the next piece of 
mifchief we're refolved on! 

Cd. What ? 

Nom. Marriage. 

Cd. Marriage ! . i, „f ;, 

N,m. Ay 1 fo it is— I never thought of it— 
but two fuch eccentriccreatures are fttTor nothing 
but each other-WeVe hurried ourfelves mto it. 
InA whafs more, we've hurried Sir Andre" mto 
it_And now, if you'll eonfent-but d.fpatch- 
mtreat you be quick-for the Lady s on fire 
and I'm— ugh ! 

ai. Why, Sophia, iMhistrue? 

Smbia. Even fo, Colonel! You were foincon- 
ftant, that I was obllgeti to accept another gay 

'coTwcll, well; take her with all my heart; 
fo the glorious breed is preferved, I don t care 
who it's by— But, you jrogue, you mud give up 
fmsularitv now; ' ' r vi 

than ever-l'll be fo true, fo fi"Aful. "nd fo 
conftrit a hulband, thar the whole falhionable 
world Ikall Uugh at me ! 

Lady A. [aSJt to LcrJ] This is fortunate !— 
Now he's married himfcif, pe.haps he may give 
you Hojioria— a(k him. . 

Lordf^r. I will [^>^f.] Nominal a word. 
Nm. What, my little antagon.ft ! '• 
Lcrd Jar. I know you are as much above re- 
ceiving a bribe, as I am of offering one ; but il 
you'll make Honoris mine. I'll give you halt 
her fortune. .. 



Nom. If you'd give me your own into the 
bargain, i wou'dn't difpofe of her fo difhonour- 
ably —No, no j your brother is my friend, and 
if I have any intereft in Honoria, I hope fhc may 
be his for ever— rAnd now, all I recommend to 
you, and my old acqu^ntancc here [to Ldidy ' 
jfcid] is, to leave the .world and take the wax- 
figure along with you ! - [Exit Lady. 

Col. That's right, my boy !— Every thing 
ftall be joined to-riigtit---Hands, hearts and 
elates ! I'll give Clajrville property, and if his 
Lordfhip has any more prefencs, another dia- 
mond necklace — Why, he may fettle it on the 
firft child. 

Nem. Won't you fqlkwy her, my I^ard ? 

Lord Jar. I follow her! not for a thoufand 
worlds t— Lady Acid 1 

■ [Exit J calling Lady ^cid. 

ilnttrSiJi AJiDRtw. 

Sophia. Sir Andrew, I hope you've foi-given 
mc every thing. 

Sir -dndrew. Yes, yes j you, and your kindred 
genius have tormented me fo much; thatj could 
not be better rei. enged, than by marrying you 
together— I've loft a wife, and the ftudent has 
found one, that's all. 

Ccl. " Which has the better bargaiti." — Ods 
life I old boy, an't you delighted to fee us all 
fo merry. 

Sir Jndrew. Faith ! I think I am — but don't 
be.too hard upon mc— -don't be tco merry--^ 
left the devil that's within me, fhould tempt mc 
toitwke long faces again. 



A C O M E D Y. 75 

Nom. If he does, it muft be at another t'lmf, 
and in another place. 

Ge&d humour reigns Jo ahjolutely here, 
That when there's csufe for (t^fure, none we fear. 
So great their candour ! theyfnfel'domblatnt, -, 
That even Nominal may get a name -, > 

yfnd Notoriety — be crown'd with fame, J 





Ji.'- c 

O M "E D y, 


tm'^&B-'ROrAL, eOf^NtJiSj&DEN.. 



; >, ■ " D,gn,-.rihyGa0^le 


Hakrt Netilli, 


Feteb., . 


Mr. Hahman, 
Mr. Blancbard* 
Mr. MReaij. 
Mr. A6inde». 
Idr. tbm^fam, 
Mr. Ltwu. 
Mr* Evfttt. 

Lauisa Courtket, - Mifs Bnattm, 

Ladt Waittor't, - Mrs. Wehi. 

Lettt, - Mifs Sran^in. 

MakuhnI) - Mrs. Weils. 

SCENE B jr H. 



Writif fy ROBEKT MERRY, ^fy; 

TTN thii bleft Land Aro' every nrj^g Age 

Public and Private Lift have had Aeir Rage ; 
In good Kiug Arthur's Days, with cumbroiii Sluald* 
The Iron Champions pranc'd upon the Field ; 
Relentlefs Beauty bade the Knights advance. 
And bear the Rage romantic on thdr Lance. 
From length of Time this Fury found its DenA, 
And wifer FaJhions mark'd Elizabeth ; 
fUt modefl Dalies were fbrm'd of milder StidF, 
But check'd Prefumption with a monftroas RhT; 
Thrir Br^kfaft Rage aU Delicacy fliocks, 
Baily they pick'd the Pinion of an Ox ; 
Then rode in State behind the Scepter'd PsuV 
On HorTeback, full as well as my Lord May'r. 
Iliefe Modes howe'er are alter'd, and of late^ 
Beef, but not Modefty. isootofDate: 
For now, inltead of rich Sir-loins, we fee 
Green Calipalh and yellow Calippee : ' 
Now Ladies Dune from Phaetons afir* 
Aitd very l«on perhaps may learn to fpar : 
At leifure Hours they woHe Settees and Chain* 
Or waffle their Yonth on Puddings or on Prty'rs^ 
As thus the Manners diSeri Writen try 
To trace the iriiimfical variety. 
Wth Obfervadon juft, and Mirror tme, 
Prefcnt each reigning Folly to the view. 
y« h«ld, our Author's feen all Rage outgow, 
A sew eccentric ChzraOer he fbews ; 



No dooghtjr Qjuxote, and no modem Fighter^ 

A Dramariang Hero— Play Inditer ;^ 

Ooe who to gain Applaufe, like Witi in Vogue) 

Tonnents with Prologue, gr with Ejnlogue ; 

At every Houfe with Incident he ineetj. 

And thinks he Sees Proccffions in the Streets; 

lo common Life will Unities cxpeft, 

Loc^ up to Poliucs for Oage Me& ; 

And fo mifled, that if fais Wife Ihould die. 

She's made a charming Aft he would cry. 

But let me not oar Comedy- forefial. 

Or court yonr Judgement dll the Curt^ lall ; 

Meantime we'll Aiive your Patience to begoilei 

And win horn lovelieft Lip> the biight'ning linlle ; 

Welcome the approving Luftfc as it flies. 

From dii> refulgent Hcmifphere of Eyes. 

Such as it is, we give it to your View, 

And truft our Cade u Candour, and to you. 


D R A M Ar I ST: 



SCENE — 7bt Grove— Lady Waitfor't's Houje. 

A Window open, and Mufic heard. 

Enter Maria'sh E, andLxTTY J from the liou/e. 


J3UT I tell "you I will come out- 1 did'nt 
come to Bath to be confin'd, nor I won't — I 
hate all their company but fweet Mifs Cour- 

Letty. I declare Mifs Marianne you grow 
worfe and worfc every day, your country manners 
will be the ruin of you. 

Marianne. Don't you talk about that Lctw— 

It was a fhame to bring me up in the counriy— 

if I had been properly taken care of, 1 might 

Vvc done great things — I might have married 

6 the 



the poet I danc'd with at the ball— But it's all, 
over now.— I ihall never cet a huiband, and 
what's worfe, my aunt did it on purpofc — She 
. ruined me, lletty, that nobody clfe might. 

Jjtty.. How you talk ? — I hope Mifs Court- 
ney has'nt taught you all this. 

Marianne, No, — She's a dear creature,— She 
has taught me many things j but nothing impro- 
per, I'm fure, 

Letty. Pray has flie taught you why Ihe never 
plays any tune but the one we heard juft now. 

Marianne. Yes — and if you'll keep it a fecrct, 
I'll tell you Letty, Mr. Harry Neville taught it 
hcrlaft fummer, — and now flic is always playing 
it becaufc it puts her in mind of the dear man, — 
when it is ended don't you obferve how ihe AghE 
from the bottom of her dear- little heart ? ' 

l^tty. Why I thought they had quarrel'd ? 

Marianne. So they have — Ihe won't fee him, 
and I believe my aunt Lady Waitfor't has been 
the occafion of it; — poor Mr. Neville! — I wifh \ 
could affift him, for indeed, Letty, I always pity 
any body that is crofs'd in love— it may be one's 
own cafe one day m other you know, 

Lxity. True— and for the fame reafon I fup- 
poic you rejoice when it is fuccefsftil— I'm furc 
now the intended marriage of Lady Waitfor't and 
Lord Scratch gives you great pleafure. 

Marianne. What !■ the country gentleman who 
has lately cometo his Title ? No, if you'll bc- 
Jicve me, 1 don't like him at allj — he's a four 
old fellow— is always abufing our fex, and thinks 
there is only one good woman under Heaven :— 
Now I'm fure that's amiftake, for I know I'm 



a good womanj and I ditnk ]>tty> you are ano- 

Letty, Yes,— I hope fo, though I confefs I 
think your aunt a better than either of us. 

Mariatau. More Ihame for you — Ihe is a 
woman of fentiment, and hums you over with 
her flourifhes about purity, ahi fecjings, — 
feelings— faith ! — lhe ought to be afliamed of 
herfelf— no other woman would talk in that 

l^ttj. You miftafee her— flie is a woman of 
virtue and can't help feeling' for the vices and 
mtsfgrcunes of others. 

Marianne. Then why can't flic do as I have 
done Letty?— keep her feelings to herfcif— if 
I had given way to them half fo much as (be 
hat — Oh I-ord \ 1 don't know what might have 
been the confequcnce.— 

Lxttf. For flume I — You never hear Lady 
Waitfor't fpeak ill of a(iy body. 

Mariame. No.— How fliould Ihe ? when flie 
talks of nobody but herfelf. 

Ltttj, Well ! — Your opinion is of little 
weight ; my Lord fees her merit, and is come 
to Bath on purpofe to marry her— he thinks 
her a prodigy of goodneis. 

Mariamte. Then pray let him have her— every 
fool knows, fo to be fure he does Letty, that a 
|»t>digy of goodneis is a very rare thing % — but 
when ne finds her out [ faith !— it will be a rare 
joke when he finds her out. — 

Latty, Shameful Mifs Marianne \ do fpeak a 
little intelli^bly, and remember your aunt's fa- 
vourite obfervation. 
Matiannt. What is it i— I have forgot, 

B 2 UtQ, 



Letty. That good fcntitncnts are always plain. 

Marianne. Yes.— So are good women,— bid 
her remember that Letty, 

Letty. HuOx:— fay no more — here fte comes, 
and Mr. Willoughby with her. 

Marianne, Ay — that man is always with her 
of late — but come Letty, lets get out of their 
way— let's take a walk and look at the beaux. 

L^tty. The beaux ! ah : 1 fee you long to be- 
come a woman of fafhion. 

Marianne. No — iho' I hate the country, I 
never will become a woman of falhion — I know 
too well what ii is to do many things one don't 
like, and 'faith, while there is fuch realplca- 
fure in following my own inclinaiions, I fee no 
reafon why, (merely out of fajhien) 1 ftiould be 
oblig'd to copy other people's. \Exit voitb Letty, 

Exter Lady Waitfok't, and Willoughby. 
Last, to Servant. 

When my Lord returns, tell him I'm gone to 
Lady Walton's, and Ihall be back immediately. 

iVillougbby. Then your Ladyfliip is certain 
Harry Neville is arrived. 

Lady. Yes— the ungrateful man arrived laft 
night, and as I yet mean to confulc his happinefs, 
I have written to him to come to me this even- 
ing—but I will ever oppofe his union with my 
Lord's ward, Louifa Courtney, becaufe I think 
it will be the ruin of them both, and you know, 
Willoughby, one can not forget one's feelings on 
thofe occafions. 

IViihughly. Certainly — Ennui the Time-kil- 
ler — whofe only bufincfs in life is to murder 



rfwliour; M ^fo juft arrived i and'my Lord is 
pefolved on liis -marrying Louifa inftantly. 

Lady, True — and only becaufe he'll make a 
quiet member for his borough in the weft. But 
for various reafons I am determined flie (hall be 
your's — yet it muft be done artfully — my cir- 
cutnftances are deranged, and an alliance with 
my Lord Scratch is the only hope of relief — fuch 
are the fruits of virtue, Willoughby, 

JVillougbhy. Weil — but her fortune is entirely 
dependant on my Lord's confent, and, how is 
that to be obtained ? You know I am no fa- 
vcairite, and Ennui is a great one. 

Lady. I know it, and therefore we muft in- 
ccnfe him againft Ennui— 1« me fee — can't we 
contrive fomc mode, — fome little ingenious 
ftory — he is a fingular charadter you know, and 
has violent prejudices. 

Willaughby. True — and of all his prejudices, 
none is fo violent or entertaining as tnat againft 
authors and aftors. 

Lady. Yes,— the ftage is his averfion, and 
Ibme way or other- I have it— it's an odd 
thought but may do much — fuppoJe we tell him 
Ennui has written a play. 

WiUougbby. The luckieft thought in the 
world! it will make him hate him dirciSly. 
■ Lady. Well : — leave it to me — I'll explain 
the matter to him myfelf, — and my life on't, it 
proves fuccefsful — you fee Willoughby my only 
fyftem is to promote happinefs. 

fVitlougbby. It is indeed Lady Waitfor't— but 
if this fails, mayl ftill hope for your interefl with 
Mifs Courtney. 
' Lady, 



Z^. Yes— I'm determined (he Ihall be your'Sj 
and neither Neville's^ nor Ennui's— but cooie, 
it's late— here fae is. 

fViUougbiy, We'll get rid of him. 

Enter Ennui. 
Lai^. Mr. Ennui, your moft rfjicdient— 
we are going to the Parade — have you feeii 
your counn Neville ? 
Nmuu I've an idea — I've juft left "him. 
La^. I fuppofe we Ihall fee you at Lady 
Walton's in the evening — till when adieu. 

[Exemt La^ 0'aUfor't and tyiUcugbhy. 
Ennui Jelus. 
I've an idea I doii'c like this Lady Waitfor't— 
Ihe wiihes to trick me out of my match with Mils 
Courtney, and if I could trick her in return— 
(takes out bis watcb. )—Viovi goes the ene- 
my !— only one o'clock !— -1 thought it had been 
that, an hour ago :— heigho ! — here's my patron 
Lord Scratch. 

Enter Lord Scratch. 
Lord. What a wonderful virtue is the art of 
hearing !— may I die if a liftcner is to be found 
any where : — Zounds .' am not I a Peer, and 
don't I talk by prerogative r — and if I may'nt 
talk ten times as much as anotljcr pcribn, what's 
the ufc of my peerage ? 

Ennui. I've an idea — I don't comprehend 

Xori/ That fellow Neville woutd'nt hear a 

word 1 had to fay : — abandoned young dog:— 

he's come to Bath lo invent tales againft that 

divinity Lady Waitfor't again I fuppofe — but 

2 my 



Ojr wacd Louift ttiall be put ctut of his pow'r for 
ever— flie fltall marry you to morrow. 

Eitmti. |n (m& — I always foi^t co give your 
lordlhipjoy of your title> though noc of your 

, LerJ. Not of my drefi !— ay : ay :— that's 
the diffntnco— y<>u poor devils in humble life 
are obliged to drefs well to took like gentle- 
men—we Peers' may dr^s as we pleafe— < 
(kokir^ at bis watch.) — but I ihall lofe my ap- 
poiatmenu — paft two o'clock ! 
' Ennui. Fail two o'clock 1— delightful ! 

J^erd, Delightful ! — what at your old tricks. 

Ennui. I'd an idea — it had been only one. 

Lord, And you're delighted becaufe it's an 
hour later. 

Ennui. To be fure T am— my dear friend, to 
be fure I am, the enemy has loft a limb ! 

Lord. So you're happy bccaufe you're an 
hour nearer- the other world ! — tell me now !— 
do you wiih to die i 

Ennui. No— 'but I wifh fomebody would in- 
vent a new mode of killing time— i^ fa£b — I 
think I've found one—private afting. 

Lord. Afting !— never talk to me about the 
ftage — I deteft a theatre and every thing that be- 
longs to itj and if ever — but no matter— I mult 
to Lady Waitfor't, and prevail on her to marry me 
at the ismt time you marry my ward — but re- 
member our agreement— you arc to fettle your 
eftate on Louifa, and I am to bring you into 

Ennui. In faA I comprehend— I am to be a 
hearer, and not a fpeaker. 




I^rd, Speaker :-hP yoii opeft yodi^' woeutln 
the Chikern Hundred! is youf -pOTrioB— * 
Lo(A'y« — you are to be ted quietlyio the fight 
Me— Co fleep dwing^the deb^e— jite ai'nod 
for your vote, and in every reipcft move IHte » 
Mandarin at irif rommand— in ftoit,' you arc to 
be a Mandarin membeiv—ib fere- you well till 
we're both married ! ||£«rffi, 

Emtui. I've an idea here's Mevtile !— In 
feft-t-he knows notKtng of my ffla*Tyibg.lLxnJifaj 
nor fliall he till after the happy day— ftrang« 
news, Neville. 

Enter 'Neville. 

T/ev. I've heard it all. Louife 
married ; but to whom I know no,t^*--and' my 
Lord perlifts in his fttal attachmtfrft to Lady 
Waitfor't. ' : ■ . - 

Ennui. In faft — why fatal ?■ 

Nev. Becaufc if is the fource- cf every niif- 
chief~-while fhp maintains her power over- him; 
I have no hope of love or fortune — When my fa- 
' dier diedhclcft his eftate to my brothtr, relying 
on my Lord providing for mc— and row htfwhe 
de&rtsme !' and'ail owing to the— artifices of an 
infldious woman. 

Emui. I've an Idea, I comprehend her mo- 
tive — flic lovrs you. 

Nev. Yes — -'tis too plain*— and becaufe I 
would not liflen to her advances, flic has ruinwl- 
me in my uncle's opinion, and degraded me in 
Louifa's — but I will fee Mifs Courtney herfirff— 
I will hear my doom from her own mouth j and if 
ihc avoids me, I will leave her, and this coimtry, 
for ever. 



■ A COM E D Y. 9 

Enter Pxtbr. 

^ Peter. A letter,. fir, " 

' Nev. Wiihout a direftion '.—what can u 
mean ? . 

Peter. Sir, 'tis from Lady Waitfor't— The 
Icryant irho broi^ht it, faid her Ladyfiiip had 
realbnsfornot directing it, which fhc would ex- 
plun to you when fhelawyou. 

Nev. Oh! the old ftratagcm : as it'is not di- 
refted Ihe jnay fwcar it was defigncd for another 
'perfori. (reads) 

*' Sir, 
« 2 have heard of your arrival at Bath, and 
" grange as my condu£t may ap^ar, I think it a 
" dtttf I owe the virtuous part y mankind to fro~ 
** mete their happine/s as much as I can, I have 
** long hheld your merit, and long wijh'd to en- 
" courage it,—IjhaUie at home at Jx this 
** evening. Tour'ft 

" A. Waitfor't." 
Ennui. In fa&— a very fentimcntal alHgnation, 
, that would do ,as well for any other man. 

Nev. If I ihow it to my Lord I know his 
biffijtry U fuch that he would (as ufual) only Tup- 
pcMe it a trick of my own — <he more^aufe thcfe 
IS to condemn, the more he approves. 

Emui. I've an idea he's incomptehenCble— 
in ffflSl— who have we here ? 
. Nev. As I live. Vapid, the dnunatic author— • 
he is conie. tQ Bath to pick up charafters I fup- 

Enmti, In faS— pick up I 
. Nev. Yes — he has the ardor fcribendi upon 
him fo ftrong, that he would rather you'd afk 
'C him 



him to write an epilogue to a new play, than offer 
him your whole eftatc— the theatre is his world, 
, ill which are included all his hopc« andwilhes.— • 
In fliort, — he is a dramatic maniac. 

Ennui. Has he not a fliare . of vanity in his 
Compofitlon ? 

Nev. Oh yes'-he fancies hinlfelf a great f A- 
' vourite with the women. 

Ennui, Then I've an ide^ I've got a thought 
by which you may revenge yourfdf <m L*ty 
Waitfor't — ^in fa&-^ve him the letter— iell 
certainly believe 'tis meant for himfelf.— 

Nev. My dear friend ten thouland thanks— i 
we'll flatter his vanity by perfuading him flie is 
■ young and beafitiful] and my life on't it does 
wonders j— :»but-, hufli, he comes. 

Enter Vuhd. 
Nev. Vapid 1 I rqoicc to fte you,— 'tis a 
long time iincc we met-^ive me leave to intro- 
duce you to a particular friend ^ mine— Mr, 
Ennui — Mr. Vapid. 

Ennui. I'vt an idea— you' do me honotir->* 
•Wr. Vapid-I ■fliall be proud to "be better ac- 
quainted with you— in faft— any thmg of confe- 
- quencb ftining in the falhionabtc or pofidcal 

Vapid, Some -fthifpefs about anew panto- 
mime, fir — nothing cue, 
Nev. And I'm wraid in the prrfent fcarctty U 
' gbod writers, we have Utrie die co expea — 
pray Vapid, howjs the prcfent dearth of geifius 
to be accounted for? particularly dramaticgcnius? 
Vapid. Why as to dramatic genius, fii-, the 
' fa£t is this— to' give a one picture of life a man 


A C O M E Df Y. ir 

jhould enter into all its fcenes, fhould follow na- 
turei fir — but modern authors plunder from one 
another— die mere ftiades of ihadows, — now, fir, 
for thy part, I dive into the world, 1 fcarch the 
Iiearc oi man — 'tis true I'm called a rake — but 
upon my foul I only game, drink and intrigue, 
that I may be better able to dramatize each par- 
ticular fcene. 

Nev. A good excufe for profligacy — but tell 
me Vapid have you got any new charafters fince 
you came to Bath ? 

Fapid. Faith !— only two— and thofc not vtry 
new either. 

Ennui. In faft,:— may.we afk what they are? 
■Vapid, If you don't write. 

Neu. No, we certainly do not. 

Vapid. Then I'll tell you-^he firft is a cha- 
ritable divine, who in the weighty conflderation 
how he ihall beft lavifh his gcnerofity, never bc- 
ftxiws it at alt — and the other is a cautious apo- 
thecary, who, in determining which of iwo 
medicines is bell for his patient, lets him die for 
want of afliltance—you underftand me^— I thin£ 
this laft will do Something, heh ? 

Emui I've an idea>-^he apothecary vould 
cut a good figure in a comedy. 

Vapid. A comedy ! plhaw ! I mean him tot 
a Tngedy. 

Ennui* In fa£b-^I don't comprehend, nor 
' pt^ibly the town. 

Vapid, I know it— that's the very thing— 
hark'ye, I've found out a fecrfct— what every 
bbdy underftands, nobody improves, and people 
lUways applaud inoft where they leaft compre- 
hend,— tliere i« a refinement, fir, in aj^icariflg to 
£ a undcrftand 



undcrftand things incomprehenfiblc—eire whence 
arilcs the plcafure . at an opera, a private play» 
or a fpeech in parliament ? why, tis the myftery 
in all thefe things — 'tis the defire to find otif, 
■what nobody clfc can— to be thought wifer than 
others — thercfore^you take me,— the apothe- 
cary is the hero of my tragedy, 

Nev. Faith there is fpme reafon in all this — 
and I'm amazed we have fo many writers for the 

i^apid. So ami— and I think I'll write no 
more for an ungrateful public — you don't know 
any body that has a play coming out, do you ?- . 

Nev. No — ', why^o you aflt ? 

Vapid. He'll want an epilogue you know, 
that's all. 

Nev. Why you won't write him one, will you ? 

Vapid, 1 ! oh Lord ! no, — but genius -ought 
to be encouraged, and as he's a friend of 
your's, — what's the name of the play ? 

Nev. I really don't know any body that has 
written one. 

Vapid. Yes — yes— yott do. 

Nev. Upon my word I do not — a coufin of 
' mine indeed wrote one for his amuteme nt, but 
I don't think he could ever be prevailcd-on to 
produce it on the ftage. 

Vapid He prevailed on !-i— The manager you 
mean— but. what did you think of it ? 

Nev. I never read it but ath told it is a gpod 
playi — an'd if performed. Vapid, he wiU be proud 
■ ofyourafliftancc. ■ > . .'. 

Vapid. I fpeak in time, bcoaufe it is material-^ 
many - a- dull pTay- has been faved by a good 




A C O M E D Y. ij 

ITev. Trufr— but I had ahnpft forgot— why 
Vapidj the Lady in the grove will enlarge your 
knowledge amazingly. 

Ennui. I've an idea— Ihe's the pattern of pcr- 

Nev. The paragon of beauty! ah Vapid 1 1 
would give worlds for the coldeft expreflion in 
this letter. 

FapiJ^ That letter 1 — what do you mean l>y 
that letter ? 

Nev. And you really pretend not to know the 
young Lady Waitfor't ? 

Vapid. No, I hav'nt fpoke CO a woman at 
Bath, — but a Tweet girl I danced with at the 
ball I and who flie is by the lord I don't know. 

Nev. Well, but Vapid— young Lady Wait- 
for't— (he loves you to diftradion. 

Vapid. As I hope for fame, I never heard her 
nanie before. 

Nev. Then fhe has heard your's, and admires 
your genius,— however, read the letter and bc- 
latisH^ Ihc loves you. 

_ Vapid reads. 
" Arrival at Bath— duty I ow^-vtrtuous part 
*• of mankind— beheld your merit— wifh to en- 
'* coun^e — fix this evening.— A. Wutfor't— • 
*• Grove.' 

Yes— ^es: its plain enough now— fhe admires 
my talents I — It is'nt the firft time Neville, this 
has happen'd— fweetfond fool >— I'll go and pre- 
pare my fclf direftly. 

Nev. Ay— do Vapid,^«ihe'^ be all. on fire to 

Va^. All on fire I I fuppele £>>— wrke a 

play Neville, write a play— yoii ice the effirA'^ 




die inafes and graces when they unite— yoa ice 
Nerille, 7011 lee— ^t holdf h(^: how the 
devil came you by this letter. 

Nevt That's true enough (tifi^} I'll tell you—* 
I was at her party laft night, and on comu^ out 
of the roonn me flipt it into my hand and defired 
me to direA it, and give it you— -flie has often 
fpokc tome in your favour^. and I did you aU 
we good I could— however, to be Ture it's no 
miftakc> aflc the fervant who admits you, if the 
name at the bottom, is not her own hand writing. 

y^^id. Oh, not its no nniftake, there's no 
doubt of the matter— write a play Neville, write 
ft play— and charm the ladies you dt^t— • 
adieu! [£w/. 

EmuL IVewi idea, if we've commoiv fortune 
this will do every thing. 

Nev. No,— Lady Wattfor't'ft arts are-number- 
lef»— ^ is fo perfedt a hypocritci that I even 
doubt her confdEng her real fentknents tohcr 
tninton Willoughby ; and when Ihe does a bad 
adion, Ihe ever pretends 'tis from -a good mo- 

Rx-enter Vapid, 

Vapid^ Gad, I fivgot'^^-you'U recoiled dn 
-^ik^e, Neville. 

Ntv. Yes, — I'll write to my couCrl, to-day. 

Vapid. But not a word fA the rlore a&ir to 
thimr— any where dfe mdeed k rtught do one a 
ioryictH^ut never tell an incrigue;tb a dramauic 
: £BBar,. Ii%j6i^-rMvhy not,, firi -( 

Vapid. 3ecaufe it may furnifh a fceocfor a 
. coihedy— 4I ^^i(.;tnyfelf>t^liidedl'J think the 

■ ■ " t '■ . < ).-.■■ • J I. 5?ii - ■';./ 1 " bcft 


- A e O M E DiV. IS 

bcft part of an intrigue isthe hopes of incident, 
or ftage efied— tiowevtr, I can't ftay. 

Nev. Nay, we'll walk with you — I in piirfult 
of my brother*— you of your miftrefs, 

f^&/. .9^, J>kyiUc,— there it is— «)ov flo ■ 
'take my advice and mite a play— tif any accident 
happens, remember, it is "better to have written a 
damn'd pt^rihan no [day at al],>— 4t fnatchcs a 
i]nMiiom>cibrcumCy, ^beangpArticular^tf//^ 
world gees, is a very great thing. 

I&%u But I confer 1 have no 4e£ne to get into 

ydpU. Get into print 1 plha I— cveiy body 
ffna into print now—kings and quacks-— peers 
and poets~-bilhops and boxers^— caylors and 
trading jvfticei— «an't go lower you know-all 
get into ^rint ! But we fbar a little hi^er,— «we 
iasK priivile^s pectdiar to ourfelves.— Nov dr, 
I_I tor my part can talk as I pleafc,— fay vfan I 
will, it is fure to excite minh,' for fuppofiog you 
4ob't laugh at my wit, I laugh myfeli, Neville, 
arid that makes every body eUe do the &m&— 
fb allons 1 1 

Emwi. I'yeiatikjea— nobad mode of routing 
■ the tnemy. 

. END «/ ACT U ■ 




(Two ebiurt.) 

SCENE— ^ Aparlment in Ladr WArrpo»'T*s 


Enter Vapid, and a Servant, . 
' Servant. Sir, my Ladjrwilt wait-on you im* 

Vapid. Hark'ye, fir,— Is this ytAiog Lady of 
your's very handfome ? 

Servant. Sir. ' 

Vapid* Is your young miftrefs, fir, very hand- 
fome ?. 

Servant, Yes, fir— ^my young miftreis if 
draught a wrfeft beauty. 

Vapid, Charming t what age' do' you redcon 
Servant. About twenty, fir. 
V^d. The right inurefting agel and food 
- of the drama I fu|^)ofe ? ' ' 
Servant. Sir ! 

Vapid. VcTf fond of plays I prefome. 
Servant. Yes, fir, very fond of plays or any 
thing relating to them. 

Vi^id. Delightful ! now am I the hapfneft 
dog jdive : yes, yes. Vapid I let the town damn 
your plays, the women will never dcfert you, 
C/tats bimjelf) you need'nt ftay, fir (Servant exit) 
that's a good fign, that fellow is'nt us'dto this 
kind of bufincfs— fo much the better— praftice 
is the deftruAion of love — ^yes, I Dull indulge a 
beautiful woman,— gratify myTfclf, and perhaps 
^ the laft fcene for my uofinifiied comedy. 



A C O M E D V. .17 

Enter Lady Waitfor't. 

Ludy. Sir, your moft obedient. 

Vapid. Ma'am, (hewing) . 

Lady. Pray keep youi* feat, .fir— I beg I 
may'nt djfturb you. 

Vapid. By no means, ma'am — give me leave — 
(both Jit) who the devil have we here. \Afiie, 

Lady. 1 am told, (Ir, you have bufincfs for 
Lady Wajtfor'c. 

Vapid. Yes, ma'am — being my firft appear- 
ance in that character, but I could wait whole 
hours for fo beautiful a woman. 

Lady. Oh, fir ! 

Vapid. Yes — I am no Itranger to her charms,— 
fweec young creature I 

X^dy. Nay, dear fir, not lb very young. 

Vapid. Your pardon, ma'am, and her youth 
enhances her other merits — but Oh ! fiie has one 
charm that furpaffes all. 

Lady. Has ihe, fir \ — what may it be ? 

Vapid. Her paflion for the ftage. 

Lady. Sir! 

■ V^ii. Yes, her paifion for the ftage ! that in 
ray mind mdtcs her the firft of her fex. 

lady. Sir, fbe has no pafiion for thi; ftage. 

Vapid, Yes, yes, fhe has. 

La^. But I proteft ihe has not. 

Vapid. But I declare and affirm it as a fa<fl, 
file has a (Irong paiTion for the ftagc, anii a 
violent attachment fc^ all the people that be- 
long to it. 

I ady. Sir, I don't underftand you — explain. 

Vapid, Hark^e, — ^*e arc alone — I promife 
it fhall go no further, and I'll lee you into a 
fccrct— J know— - 

»■ Lady. 



Ladf. Well !— what do you know ? 

yafid. I luiow a certain dramatic author 
with whom fhe ■' " ■ he had a letter from her 
this morning. 

Lady, "What! 

yapid. Yes, — an affignauon — don't be alarm- 
ed — the man may be depended on — he is faffr— 
very fafe ! — long in the habit of intrigub-^ 
good perfon too ! — a very good perfoii indeedi 

Lddy. Amazement! 

Fapid. (fyhi/peririg her.) Hark*ye, he means 
to make her happy in lefs than half an hour.- 

Ladf. (rijing.) Sir,— do you know whs 
* you're talking to ?^ — do you know who I am f 

ytifid. No, — how the devil fhould 1 ? 

Ladf, Then know, I am Lady Waitfor't. 

Vapid. You, Lady Waitfor't ! 

Lady. Yes, fir — ^the only Lady Waitfor't ! 

Vapid. Mercy on me :— -here's incident ! 

Lady. Yes,^ — and I am convinced you were 
fent here hf that traitor, Neville— fp<^, is he 
not your friend ? 

Vapid. Yes, rtna'am :— I know Mr. NeviM^- 
here's equivoque ! 

- Lady. This is fome crick>* Ibme ftratagcm of 
his — he gave you the letter to p«rpl« and em- 
barrafs me. 

Vapid. Gave the letter 1 gad thit's great, — 
pray ma'am giVe mt leave to aflc you one (Juef- 
tton — Did you write to Mr. Neville ? 

Lady. Yes, fir — &) confefs the truth I did— 
but from motives. — 

■ Vapid. Si(^, my dear ms'am, ftop— I iiave 

■ It— now let me be clear — firft you fend him a 

letter ; is it Jiot fo ? yes,— then he ^vw it to 



me — very well:- then I come, (fuppofing you 
only twenty) niighty well ! — then you turn out 
ninety— charming !— then connes the cm- 
baraflment: then the cclaircifcment ! Oh, it*s 
glorious !*— Give me your hand—you have 
atoned for every thing. 

Lady. Oh ! 1 owe all this to that villain, 
Neville— I am not reveogeful— but 'tis a 
weal^nefa to endure fiich repeated provoca- 
Bon$, and I'm convinced the niiad, that too 
fi«quendy forgives bad anions, wH at laft for- 
get good one's. - 

Vapid. Bravo ! encore, encore— it is rfie very 
beft fentiment I ever heard — fay it again, pray 
fay it again — ^I'l! take it down, and blend it with 
ihe incident, and you Ihall be gratified one day 
or other with feeing the whole on the ftage.— ;- 
" The mind that too frequently forgives bad 
a&ions, will at laft foi^ good ones." (Taking 
it dowtt in bis common place book. 

Lady. This madman's folly is not to be-borne — 
if my Lord too lhou]d difcover him (Vapid Jits, 
and takes notes) here, the confequences might be 
dreadful, and the fcheme of Ennui's play all un- 
done. — Sir, I defire you'U quit my houfe im- 
mediately—Oh ! I'll be rcvcng«i I'm de-t 
termined. [Exit. 

Vapid Jel^s, 
What a great exit ! very well ! — I've got an 
incident however— Faith \ 1 have nobic talents— 
to extraft gold from lead has been the toil 6f 
numberlefs philofophers : but 1 extraft it from a 
bafer metal, human frailty — Oh 1 it's a great 
D % thing 



thing to be a dramatic genius [■^--a very grcar 
thing indeed ! £^J be is going 

Enter Lord SdRATCH. - 

P'apid. Sir, your moft devoted.— —How 
d'ye do ? 

Lord. Sir, your moil: obedisht. 

Vapid. Very warm tragedy weather, fir ! — 
but for my part I hate fummer, and I'll tell you 
why 1— the theatres are Ihut, and w[ien I pafo by 
their doors in an evening it makes me melan- 
choly — I look upon them as :thc tombs of dc- 
fiartcd friends that were wont toinflmft and dcr 
ight me — ^I don't know how you feel — perrhsps 
vou arc not in my way. 

Lord. Sir ! 

Vapid. Perhaps you don't write for the ftage-rr- 
if you do, — hark'ye — there is a capital charader 
in this houfe for a farce. 

Lord. Why ! what is all this — who, arc 
you ? . _ , 

Vapid. Who am I ? — here's a queftion"! in 
thefc times who can tell who he is ? — (or ought I 
know I may be great uncle to yourfelf, or firft 
coufin to Lady Waitfor't — the very woman I 
was about to— but no matter — fince you're fo 
very inquiHtive, do you know who you arc? 
Lord. Look'yc, fir, I am" Lord Scratch. 

Vapid. A Peer! pflia! contemptible ;^when 
I afk a man who he is, I don't want to know 
what are his titles and fuch nonfenfor j no. Old 
, Scratch, I want to know what he has written, 
when he had the curtain up, , and whether he's 
a true fon of the drama. — Hark'ye, don't make 
yoWfelf uncafy on my account — ^in my next 


A C O M E D y. 21 

pantomime perhaps 1*11 let you know who I am, 
old Scratch. [Exit. 

Lord, AAonilhing 1 can this be Lady Wait- 
for't's hOufe — " Very warm tragedy Wearficr, 
fir !" ** In my next pantomime let you know 
who I am'' — Gad I niuft go and inveftigate the 
matter immediately, and if Ihe has wronged me, 
by the blood of -the Scratches, I'll bring the 
wh<4e bufinefs before parliament^ make a Ipeeclf 
ten hours long, reduce the price of opium, and 
fet the nation in a lethargy. [Exi$. 

SCENE— ^ Library in La^ Waitfor't'« 
'■ ■ Moufi. 

A Sopha, and two Ch^rs. 

Eater Vapid. 

Vapid. Either this houfe is a labyrinth, or T, 

•in jeflefting on my incident, have forgo: myfrif j 

for fo it is I car.'tfind my way out— who have we 

here ? — by the fixtieth night my Utile partner I 

Enter Makiahne, with a hook in btr band. 

Marianne. The poet I danc'd with I— he little 
thinks how much I've thought of him lince f 
fir. (curtjying.) 

Vapid. Ma*am, (bowing.) 

Marianne. I hope, fir, you caught no cold the 
Other night. 

Vapid. No ma'am^ I was much nearer a 
fever than % cold— pray ma'am what is your 



a* THE p H A M-A T I S T : 

. Marianne. I have b?cp rf^ing*^ >////<»'■ i^w." 
— Fray, fir, d6 you know any thing about plays \ 
. Vafid. Know 9iat thing about plays l-rthwt's 
» queftion. - : r . 

Marittmte, I know fo mych abotit them, thtf 
I once ailed at « privatp.theptr?. , 

■ f^i^iiL Did yoH f then yqu ^ftfi^ ft": yqtw 
e«n smufement and nobody'^ elfs :■■ ^h^ V4$ ^ 
play ? ,...-..., 

■ Mfiriami/. .1 can't tell. , :; 

^dpi^. Can't tell! . - ,.; 

Marianne, No, — nobody knew,— its a w^y 
<hey have. 

Vapid. Then they never z&. a play of mine-^ 
.\yi;h ^U this pJirtia|ity for (he ftage-i-gerhapB yow 
wCMil3 be comciitVith a dramatfll for Jife-^par- 
ticularly if his morals were fine, 

Marianne. . Lord ! I doo't,c4rf ftbwt 6nc mo- 
' rals— I'd rather my hufband had fine teeth, — and 
I'm told moft women tif fafltien are of the fame 
Apiniqn. ' . .. 

, Vapid. To be fufc they jrej-r- but could you 
really confem-to tim away with & poef. 
. Marianne.. SzithTr-v/\rh all rny heart-T-t|i^ 
never have any money you know, and as I have 
none, our diftrefs-wo«ld be compiletej and if we 
hfld any lu9k Qur ^dvfirrtijrcsufQiild become pub- 
lic, (ind thep,wf fbpujd get fnto a novel at laft. . 

Vapid. Into a prifon more probably — if ^t 
goes on in this way I muft dramatize her firft,' — 
fnd run. ^way wiilj ijer a/tenyarcjs (aji'de) come 
are you ready ? 

Za^ Waitfor't without. ' 
Tell my Lord, (ir, i'Uwa'it in the library. . , 


A C O M E D V. 23 

AfariatiTte. Oh lord! my aunt, what's to be 
done. ' 

Vapid. What's to be done ! — ^\vhy ? 
Mariamf. She mus'nt find you here — flie'll be 
the death of me, fhe is fo violent. 

yapid. T?Vd]i I'm not afraid- — flie's no mana- 

Miriankr. No, but if you have any pity for 
me— here — hide yourfelf foF a momeiit behind 
this fopha, and I'll get her out Of the foom di- 

Vapid. Behind this fopha ! here's an incident \ 
Marianne. Nay^-pr-iy-^fte's here! con:ie — 
■quick !-^^uick !— 

\yapid gets behind tbejopba, Marianne Jtts 
m it, takes out -ixr work bag, and begins 

Jinging Lady Waitfoft enters. 

Marianne. Toll de roll &C. '■ 

Enter Lady Waitfor't. 

Lady. Marianne how came you here ? I defirc 
you'll leave the room dircftly. 

Marianne. Leave the rooip, aunt 1 

Lady. Yes, leave the room immediately-*- 
what are you looking at ? 

Marianne. Nothing aunt, nothing — lord Hard! 
whatwiUbecomeofpoor, ■poor Mr. Poet ?{£«//. 

Xjidy. So-^here's my lord'^-now to mention 
Ennui's ^ay, and if it do^s but p:^gudice him 
.againft him, Willoughby marries I^ifa, and 
Neville is iii my own power. 

Enter LcrdSeitA'tcii. 
Lord. That curft pantomine rutEanl nobody 
knoirs any think about hint— perhaps m^ lady 



has got a fudden touch of the dramatic mania, 
and prefers him — here flic is — now if Ihr Ihoutd 
talk about the .ftagc. 

iMify. Pray be featcd my lord — I want to afk 
you a favour. , 

Lord, A& me a favour ! is it poffiblc I (thef 

Lad;f. Yes, fur our friend Ennui— 'what do you 
think he has done ? 

Lord. What? 

Lady. Turn'd author — he has written a co- 

Lord. A comedy ! — Ihe has it. 

Lady. Yes — its very true, and it has been ap- 
proved of by men of the firft dramatic fame. 

Lcrd. Dramatic fame ! flie has it ! — dam'me 
fhe has it ! 

Lady. Nay, if you need further proof my 
Lord, it has been approved by the manager of 
one of the theatres, and i;he curuin is to draw 
. up next vnnter. 

Lcrd. The curtain draw up !— Look ye ma- 
dam—I care no more for the manager or his 

Lady. Now my Lord the favour I have co afk 
of you is this— promifc me to perufc the play, 
make alterations, and write the epilogue. 

I^rd. The epilogue I— fire and forefathers. 
yLa^ holds him. 

-Lady. Ay, or the prologue. 

Lord. The prologue I — blood and gunpowder! 
^Fapid comet from behind tbe/opha, and/matkl 
him OH ibe hack. 

Vapid, prologue or epilogue !— I'm the 
maur— I'll write you both. 



A C O M E D Y. 45 

XMri, There he is ag^n I 

X^dy. Oh 1 I fliall faint with vexation ! — my 
Lord, I defire you'll miOnterpret nothing— every 
thing'"(hall be explained to you«— Marianne ! 

l^i. Here's the cuitain up wth a vengeance. 

£»/»* Marianne. . 

Laif. Anfwer me dire£tlyi how came that 
gentleman in this aparcinent f I know it is fomc 
trick of your's. 

Vapid, coming down the ft age. 
Vapid, To be fure, never any thii^ was fo for- 
tunate I— ^pon my foul ! I beg your pardon ; ■ 
but curie me, if I can help laugmng, to think 
how lucky it was for you both I happened to be 
behind the fbpha!— hal hal ha! 

[Marianne, as t/ taking the hint, 
Marianne. Faith I no more can I— to be furc 
it was the luckieft thing in the world ! ha ! ha 1 

[H^e they both laugh loud and point ta wf 

Lord, and Lady Waiifor't, who Jiand be- 

tween them in amazement. 

Lady. Sir) I infift you lay alide this levity, 

and inftantly expldn how you came in this room. 

Vapid. Sir I ha ! ha ! 

Lord. Ay, fir,— <xplain^-and difpatch,— I 
intreat you difpatch— 1 have fo much to fay. 

Vapid. Never fear old lady — I'll bring you 
off, depend on't. 

Lady, None of your whifpering,— ^peak out, 

Vapid. With all my heart— by her Ladyfhip's 
own appointmenc, 

£ La4x 



La^. My own appointment!- — I ffiatl nrn 


Vapid. To be fure you have hardly foi^ot 
^our own hand writing. 
■ Lori. Her own hand writing ! — get on, fir,— 
I befeech you, get on. 

Vapid. Why look^c, old Scratch,— you feem 
■to be ftn admirer of this L^y's— now I think it 
my duty as a moral dramatift—a moral dramatift, 
fir, mark that— to eipofe hypocrify — therefore, 
fir, there is the letter, read i(, and be convinced 
of your error. 

Lard. YcTy well, have you done, fir E — have 
you done ?-i— confider I'm a peer of the realm, and 
I Ihall die if I don't talk. 

Vapid. And now, fir, I muft beg a favour of 
you — (gtti cleje to him) keep the whole affair 
J'ecret, tor if it gets hacknied, it lofes its force. 

Lord. Granted.— granted — I'll grant any thing 
fo you will but get on. 

Vapid. Between, ourfclves I mean. 

Lstd No paufesji fir. 

Vapid. To bring it all on the ftage : hufli ! 
fay nothing — it will have a capital effeft, and 
brother bards will wonder where I ftole it — your 
fituation will be wonderful — you hav'nt an idea 
how ridiculous you will look — you will laugh 
very much at yourfelf I aflure you. 

Lord. What is all this ? well ! now I will 
^ak — I'll wait no longer. 

Vapid. Yes, yes, I (hall take care of you— 
Falftafi^ in the buck baikct will be nothing to 
it — he was only the dupe of another man's wife, — 
you'll be the dupe of your own, you know— ^ 
*• think of thai. Matter Brook, think of that" 
well : 


A C O M E D Y. 27 

well: your fervant, — I'll write you the prologue 
and epilogue, but you need'nt fend me the co- 
medy — we never conneft either with the play 
now—- your friend may be damn'd you know, 
and I don't chufe to fufFer for his fins,— -I like to 
live and fight another day : — Marianne, fare- 
well :^-old lady, adieu ^ — I'll do your buCnefs, 
depend on't. ' [Exit. 

Lord. He's gone without hearing me ! — then 
there's an end of evcfy thing, for here I ftand, 
once a barriAer, — fince a country gentleman, and 
now a Peer, andtho' I've made twenty attempts 
to fpcak, I can't be heard a fyllable, — mercy ! 
what will this world come to ! A Peer, and not 
be heard. 

Lady. My lord,— affured of my inno- 
cence, 1 have no doubt of juftifying my owa 
conduA, and even by means of that letter cn- 
crcafing your affeftion — it was written to another 
perfon — your ungrateful Nephew. 

Lord. My Nephew. 

Lady. Yes, fir, — ^I could not perceive him 
lofing the efieem of his friends without having 
the dcfire to reclaim him — ^indeed 1 knew no 
better mode of fulfiling my projcft than by per- 
fonally warning him of his fiiuation — for this 
purppfe, I wrote that letter, and I never Thought 
U would have been thus mifufed — if there is any 
improper warmth in the expreffions, it onjy pro- 
ceeds from my anxiety of enfuring an interview — 
I hope, fir, you arefatisfied. 

Lord. Why I believe you my lady, and I Ihould 
be perfeftly fatisfied if I could forget your paffiort 
for the fiage, and' that madman behind the 

E a Lady. 



Lady, As to that, fir, this young ladjr can 
beft inform you— I delired him K> kave the boufe 
an hour ago. 

Marianne, {afide) I'm afraid, my only way is 
to confels all — my lord, iff confefs the tnidi, I 
hope you'll prevail on my aunt to forgive mc. 
' Lady. TeU what you' kiraw, and I'll anfwer 
for your forgivenefs. 

Mariatint, Why, fir, I found the gentleman 
alone, and nothaving had a tete a tete a long time, 
I prcfc'd him to ftay, and on hearing your voice, 
I put him behind the fopha,— that you might not 
think any thing had happened, — and indeed, fir, 
nothing did happen — ^upon my word he's as quiet, 
inoBenlive a gentleman as yourfelf. 

Lord. My fears are over ! Oh 1 you finilhed 
eompofition ! come to my arms, and when I 
fufpcft you jgain (coughs much) this curft cough, 
it takes one fo fuddenly. 

Enter Ennvi. 

Ennui. I've an idea — FloriviUc is arriv'Ar-in 
faft — I juft now fpoke to him. 

Zjird. Floriville arriv'd ! — Come my lady^— 
let's go fee what his travels have done for hint- 
hark ye. Ennui — prepare for your inrcrriew with 
Ljouifa, and remember you make a Mandarin 
member— come my lady — nay : never irritate 
your feelings. 

Lady. Aks my lord ! it is the misfortune of 
vircue to be too often feeling for the vices and 
errors of others — but I attend you. 

{Exeunt Lard and Ladf. 




Mariame. So — ^poor Mr. Neville is to lofi: 
Mils Courtncy-^hcr prcfent quarrel with him is 
fo violent* that fhe may marry thU ideot merel/ 
io rcvenge-f^ri could dupe him nuw> and enfure 
her cont£[npt— I'll try — Mr Ennui, have you feoi 
your intended wife yet ? 

Ennui. No. 

Marianne. So I thought — why you'll never 
pleafe her while you retnain as you are — you mult 
altipr your manners — (he is all life ! — all fpirits ! 
and loves a man the very oppoliic to you. 

Ennui. I've an idea I'm very forry — in fa£t — 
how can I pleafe her. 

Marianne. There's the difficultyr— let me fee — 

the fort of man (he , prefers is you know Sir 

Harry Huftle — a man all aftivity and confidence ! 
-—who does every thing from faihion, and glories 
in confeffing it. 

Ennui. Sir Harry Huftle ! — in fa6l — he's a 
modern blood of falhion. 

Marianne. I know — that's the reafon flie likes 
him, and you mull become the lame, if you wilh 
to win her affcftion — a new drefs — bold look*— a 
few oaths, and much fwaggcring, affe£ts the bufi- 
nefs. (Ehnui puts bmjelf in attitudes.) — ay, 
that's right, you are the very man already. 

Ennut. I'm a ladof fafhion ! — heh dam'me ! — 
I've an idea — ^I Ihall fall afleep in the midft 
of it. 

Marianne. No-^no :~i-go about it direftly — 
fee SirHarryHuftle, and ftudy your converfation 
before hand — but remember Louifa is fo fond 
of fafliion, that you can't boaft too much of it's 
vice* andabfurdities. 




Ennui. If virtue was the fafliioa I fliould be 
virtuous ! — t fbould, damn me ! 

Marianne. Ay — that's the very thing — well: — 
good b'ye Mr. EniHii — fucccG attend yoii — mind 
you talk enough 

Ennui. Talk!— I'll talk tiUIfaU aflccp 1— I 
will ! — damn me ! 

\Exit/wa^erittS — Marianne laughing. 




A C O M E D Y. 31 


SCENE— ^ Saloon in Ladf'WAiTroK'T'sHoi^e. 
(Louisa, difeevered reading) 

Hdgho I thefe poets are wonderfully tircfomc 
—always on the fame theme — nothing but love — 
I'm weary of it (/ayj doien the beek and ri/es.") 
Ungenerous Neville ! how could he uie me lb 
cruelly f to attempt to gain my affcftions and 
then addrefs another ; Lady Waitfor't has con- 
vinced me of the faft, — I can never forgive him : 
yet I fear I love him ftill — ^well : I'll even go 
examine my heart, and determine whether I do 
love him or not. 

{As fie is going out Neville enters.') 

Louija. Mr. Neville — I thought, fir, I had 
defired we might never meet again. 

Nev. Tis true madam, and I meant to obey 
your command! hard as they were, implicity 
obey them — but I came hither to welcome my 
brother, and not to intrude on the happinefs of 
her, I am doomed to avoid. 

Loutfa. I'll conceal my embarraffment, I'm 
determined (4/f^A— 4f I remember, fir, truth 
was ever among the foremoft of your virtues. 

Nev. Yes — and I am confident you hav? no 
leafon to doubt it — tho* you have caufe to cenfure 
my prefumptlon, you have none to fufpeft my 

Leuifa. Oh no !— I don't fufpeft your fidelity 
in the fe^, but when people are faithfiil to more 
|han one, you know, Mr. Neville. 




Nev. I don't underftand you ma'am. 

Laaifa. It is np matter Mr. Neville— you 
may fpare yourfclf any trouble in attempt- 
ing tojuftify ypur-condud-r-I am pafeftly &tis- 
fied, ax, I'll afurc you ixohig.') 

Nev. Oh !-— do not leave me in thb anxious 
ftatc; perhaps this is the laft tiijie we Ihall ever 
meer, and to part thus, would embitter ev«y 
future moment of my life, — indeed I have no 
hopes that concern not your happincfs, no wiflies 
l^at relate not to your efteem. 

Lotii/a, Sir, — I will freely confcfs to you, had 
you ftiewn the leaft perfeverancc in your afFciUon, 
or fincerity in your behaviour, I could have heard 
your addreffes wich pleafure — but'to liftenta 
them now, Mr. Nevijle, would be tiyapprove a 
conduft my honour prompts metorefcnt, and 
my pride to defpife. 

Nev. Th«i I am loft indeed U^*ti» to the 

perfidious Lady Waitfor't I owe all this , 

my prefcnt [LaJy WAixroit'T, enters' hkhtd] 
mifery, my future pain, are »U the produA 
of her jealous rage I Ibe is £) vile an hypocrite 

Lady Waitfor't, edming forv>ar4, - ■ 
Who is an hypocrite, fir ? ' ■ 

Nev. Madam ! 

1 ady. Who is an hypocrite, fir ? anfwcr me. 

Nev, Aflc your own heart, that can heft inform 
you. ' 

Lady, Tclf me, ' Mr. Neville, what have I 
done, that you dare infult me thus. 

Nev, W hat have you done ? look oh that lady, 

madam; ' there' all my hopes add wiflies were 



A C O M E D Y. S3 

combifled W— dKro ww thp very Turomiit of my 
Wrs,!.l tl»ougbt I ht4 attained ic; but in riie 
iRipfn^E oi ntY haKNiifls you cvne, cculh'd 
ejffjry hopci aa^ baffled ^U my joys ! 

La^j* Up9n Bpy word, fir, very rpmantic,-*- 
bt^ \ i^h^nk h^^ifn \ look for approbatioo in a 
better oipinion. tl)» tKat of Mc. Neville's. 

iVre. "Tis wgU xoii do madaai, for were t 
your judge your punifhment fhould be cxem- 
plary— 43ut I'it wafte words no more — I only 
(ijOpe Cio Lcttifa) you, madam, are fatUfied that 
one of my errora'may ackaft fai&fordvcn> ami 
t>is laft furpjcioti for ever blocted Tram your 

t^y. Sir, from di9t lady's fprgivenels you 
have nothing to expcd— -if fhe con{enito pardoa 
jroij, X\\ tafe care my Igrd deveH (hall. 

Nev. No— I do not hope for forgiveodV— I 
have heard her determination, and cruel as it is, 
to that I muft reBgn, — iKe may be aflbred I 
never wiU intrude where I know ) ofiTcnd. 

Loui/a. Do you then leave us, Mr. Neville ! 

Nev, Yes, madam, and for ever ! — may you 
be 2^ ■ h]fi& in the gratification of your hopes as 
I have been wntKoed in the dUappointment of 
mine. [Exit. 

t^ij' Tyrant I I wHh he had flayed to hear 
reafbn— I hope he is not ferious in leaving us. 

Loiufa. Yqu'hopel— why docs k concern you ? 

l^. Oh 1 no further than from riiat general X bear mankind~-you forget -my feelings on 
^fe ooc^ons, ijiuira. 

Jjmi/a. Yes iodfcd — I have too much resfon 

to ^^tWl to my own 1 — ^you'll cicyfe me — I have 

■ jiv(if ular bufii^efsi — I'll return immcdiately^r£*iY. 

F 'Ladj 



L»4f' Oh I the caufe of her confufion Is 
evident— ^e loves him ftill — but they (hall never 
meet agajft— I have already fcnt a letter to Wil- 
loughby which imparts a fcheme I have long 
cberilhed, my lord in his anger about my ftage 
nunia, has forgot Ennui's play ; fo, that there 
may be no bars to Witloughby's happinefs, I am 
deteraiin'd Louifa Ihall be his this very night. 

Enter Lord Scrjitch. 
Lord. Here'safptftacleforaPeerl Floriville 
is below, and is returned from his travels a 
flnilhed cozcombj— I'll not give him a far- 

Lady. Nay j my lord j peihaps you may 
-be niillaken. 

Lord. Miftakcn 1 no> he has travelled not M 
TIee, but to &y he had feen. 

\EHter Mariahni with a French toitiek and ehmn, 

Marianne. Oh uncle in law ! look here— I 
never faw any thing fo elegant in all my life ! 
- Lord. Whofe prcfcnt is this f 

Marianne. Whofe ? why the fweet gentlcman*s 

i' uft arrived from Italy-^Lord ! he's a dear man- 
ic has promifed to do every thing for me— to get 
-me a fortune — to get nie .a huftand — 'to get 
me a—" — ■ 

Lord. Hufli 1 you don't know what you're 
talking about. 

Marianne. 'Yes but I do tho' — he has told me 
every thing — Lord ! I have heard fuch things ! 
come here, — near [^Lord Scratch, gets elefe to 
her) get my aunt out of the room, and I'll tell 
you florics that ihall make your old heart bound 
again I 


A C O M E D T. 35 

^n I Hulh 1 do it quietly — I will upon my 
honour — what an old fool it is ! {afide.) 

La^. Marianne, you mus'nt liften to Mr. 
Fiorivillc,"-rfbr travellors may perfuade you inCQ 
any thing, and many a woman has been ruined 
in one country j by being told it is the fafliion in 

Lord. Here he comesj I fee as plain as my 
Peerage I Iha'nt keep my temper. 

Lady. I fuppofe my lord, he has fpent 
great part of his rime in France,, where he has 
been tie dupe of knaves of every nation. 

Enter Floriville, 

Flor, Your pardon ma'am— ^ou wrong the 
French— <hey never fuffer any one to dupe a 
traveller but themfelves — ^ladii;^ a choufand par- 
dons for not waiting on you before, but this is 
the firft vacant moment 1 have hui lince my 
arrival at Bath. 

Mmanne. Sir, yotjr coming at all is taken aa 
a veiy great compliment, I'U aflure you. 

ZrfK^ to Mariahnb, who exits. 

Leave the room immediately— no reply^I will 
be obeyed— Mr. Floriville we are very happy to 
fee you. 

Flor. Ma'am you do me honour— my lord, 
Where's Harry? 1 thought to have found him 
here I — ^what, he did'nt choofc to ftay :— & 
much the better — it Ihews he's not a man of 
ceremony — ^we do the feme in Italy j but hark-yc 
uncle — is this the lady I'm to call aunt? 

Lord. My gorge is rifing, I ihall certainly do 
him a nufchieu 

F 2 Fhr, 



Fler. (Jpyiiigot her) rather experienced dr.fol-^ 
a little antique, ^hth ! — however the fame motive 
that makes .ber t good aunt to me, ^iH m^ke 
her a good wife to you— =ybu uaderftand aic. 
. Lord. Damn me If 1 do.-^ 
: Flor. Well, well, no matrtr— come, I want lo 
hear every thing- — to know whit remarkable oc» 
curences have happin'd fmce I left England ? 
pray Lady ^?i?'aitfor't inform me,«<lo letime-kno* 
every linlfe circumftahce. 
' iMdy. Radier, fir, we {bobld aik of you, 
what happcn'd in your travds ? 

Flor. Oh, nothing fo {hocking 1 no man can 
be the herald of his bwii praife. 
■ Laitf, Yefr, fir, but I wilh to know how. you 
like theChapel Of Loretto, the Venus^Medi* 
cis of Florence, the Vatican at Rome, and all the 
numbcriefs curiofitift, peculiar to the counmcfi 
you have travelled through. 

1 ord. Look y^— I'll anfwer for !«,. he knonn 
hothing of the 'gentlemen yoti mention-^^ik) ^u, 
my fwert'pfetty— oh 1 youdftnin'd popiy., ■- i 

Flor. Why fwear, my lord ?. 

I ord,'&vK3T my lord! zounds ! its my jwe- 
h^tiv(\ «id b) — tell mc how you fpent your 
cime, fir ? 

Flor, Why, in contemplating living. «ngeU(, 
not dead andqukies j in baflcingih'the ray^of 
faeiiuty, not mouldering in tht duft of anc<^ ! 
ia-fnir^ fcftivity and pidafore ! — not ftudy, pcr 
dantry: UKliretirtnieat.— ^Oh, I have Itvedj fif ! 
lived Ariniyf^, not an ttograt^l wraid, who, 
Jhould'I flieamartyrto tkeir cauiir, would only 
daughiaiBi^wibdier at myifodly. 


A C O M E D y. if 

Lady. You fecm to know the world, Mr. 

Flir. No, ma'^am, I know littW of mankind, 
and lefs of myftif,— I have no pilot but my plea- 
furcsi — no miftrefs but tny paffions j— and I 
d&h't believe ifitwas to fave my lif^ I could rea- 
firti cohftqucftnally for ia fhinute together. 

L&hd. Granted — you have feen every thing 
♦'<«th ftcing, yet know norfiing worth knowing, 
and now you have juft knowledge enough to prove 
yourfeM" a fool oh cvjry fubjedt. 

Flor. Vaftly well my Lord — ^i^on my word 
you improve with your tide, but 1 am perfeftly 
fatlsfied, believe nK — for what I don't know, 1 
take for gra!nted,is notworth knowing — therefore 
well call anodief: topic. — ^I'm in love> my Lord. 

Lord. In love l-^-^th who, fir ? 
' Fiir. Can't you guefs? 
Lard, No, &■> I cannot. 
Fhr. With one that wiir pleaie you very 
tnuclt*— at leAft ought to pleafe yoi>— you'll be in 
raptures, dear uncle. 

tA-d. Raptures I and you flull be in agonies 
my dear nephew. 

Flor. You have known one another a long 
while, yet you havn'c met for years— you have 
lov'd one another a long while, yet you quarrel'd 
not an hour ago— you nave differ'd from one a- 
norijer all your lives, yet you are likely to be 
friends as long as you live — >and above alt, the 
perfon is now in the houfe. 

Lord. In this houfe' I let me know who it u 

this moment, or by the blood of the Scratches I 

Fier. One who has charms epou^ to fei die 

world on fire i — one i*ho has fomioe cnou^ ta 




let a Rate -at war, fir ; — one vrfio has talents, 
hcakh, and profpenty, and yet not half what 
the pcrfon deferves :— can you tell now, fir? 

jUrd. No, fir, and if you don't tell this 

Flor, Then I'll tell you (flap him m tht 
iack)-Ai'& myfelf, fir ! my own charming 
felf! — ^I have fearch'd the world over, and I 
dpn't find any thing I like half fo well. \IV»lki 
up thejiage,'\ 

Lord, I won't difgracc mylelf, — I won't lower 
the dignity of Peerage by chaftifmg ^ com- 
moner, elfe, you prince of butterflies — come, 
Qiy Lady — look'ye, Or — I intend to be handed 
down to pofierity j and while you are being 
lampooned in ballads and newfpapers, I me<^I tQ 
cue a figure in the hiftory of England i fo come 
along my Lady — in the hiftory of England, you 
coxcomb. [Exeunt Lord and Ladjr, 

■ Flor. If the face is a pidure of the mind, that 
intended aunt of mine is a great hypocrite, an^ 
the ftory I heard of the poet proye^ it — but now 
for a frolick— 'gad its very firang^ I could 
never reform, and become a , ferlous thinking 
-being— but what's the ufe of thinking ?— 
Reafon fhys till wc cjill, and then 'not oft Js near. 
But honeft iaAind comcs-a volunteer I — i {Exit, 

SCENE-^-^ Apartment in Lady WAiTPdR'T's 

.. . Ho^fe; 

WiLLOUOHBY, io a Servant. 

Tell your miftrcfs I fhall be ptinftual to the 

apfKjiAtmtnt — (Servant esitJ—-foi thanks to 

• • fortune. 


A C O M E D Y. 3, 

fortune^ Lady Waitfor't has at length confented 
to my entreaties, and this night makes Louifa 
mine for ever !-*-now to read the letter once 

** Louifa accompanies me to nigbt to Lady 
•* JValton'St which you know is at the extremity of 
" the town — onjome pretence or other Fil tell her 
'** I have ordered the Jervant at the back gate 
** which adjoini the paddock — there I'll leave 
" her — and if you have a chaije waiting near 
** the /pott y^i* ^^y eonduif her where you 
" fU^e. — You know my feelings on this occajiont 
•• but it is for her good only I'll affureyou — -flte 
** don't dejerve it, Mr. Willoughly ; — indeed Jhe 
' ^' ' don't deferve it ? " — 

"A, Waitfor't." 

So — this is bfiTOncI my hopes! — ha! my Lord 
and Louifa with him, come to receive Ennui, 
■wlio to my aflbnittiment I met juft now in a 
-«ew drefs, fwearing and capering, and" boaftiog 
:of the vices of fafliion — but no matter — ^I mure 
•lo the rendezvous immediately — now, Louifa I 
-tremble at my vengeance ! [£»/. 

Enter Lerd Scratch,, and Louisa. 

Lord. Yes:— yes: — Ennui wilt be here in 
an inftant— but hi's fo referved-^-and fo mild— 

Ltfa^. So Iiinderitand, fir — and fo very filent 
that he won't talk fo much in a year, as I intend 
■in an hour. 

' Lord. I know — that's the rcafbn I bring him 
"into parliament — he'll never fpeak— only fay 
" ay" or " ho" and be up ftaiis id beef-ftaites in 



an 'utRtM-r-C^nociJ-r-heic he 15!— 4iow eqpoii- 
rsgc kim— don't mi^cj his di^deace^ 
- ^aj**!. No, fip-rl'H do %U in rny pow'r ^ 
m^ him talk. 

Lord. Thai's wc|l-j-ra leave you together— 
I von't interrupt yaa-^ftampin^ witbfuQ — 
odfol — I mqft get out of the way— cnco^- 
r^c him, Louiia — I befccch you encour^ 
him I \Exk' 

ExNvr, witiaut. 
Stand by ! do ceremony damn mc !— 
LDrti. Heaven ! — is this diffidence.— 

EwHui, aitfrs v>Ub Servant 
Bnnui. Gcrdown ftairs you'dog^-get dowihr-' 
(firvant exit*) Here I am ma'am ! — eafe is 
every thing— I'll feat myfelf— now for bufi- 
'nefe! — yaw-i-awl^— (jr««w/^^i^ 
, Lard. Sirl 

' EnHui. li\ one word I'll «dl y<m my tdot- 

ra£tet<-^rm a lad of faihioa \t~1 Ipve gnn* 

4n^f-+I bate thinking — I like racing — t dcfotfe 

^reading — ^I patronize boxing'->'I dncft ccbkr- 

ing-^I pay debts of honours-r-iYit hcocnintilp 

dcbts-r-in fhort> I'll kick your fcrvants— cheat 

your ^mily, bndfighE yoOr guaFdian—and fi> if 

you llkeme> take'mo-^eh daip^ me 1— "I'm 

tir'd already 1— rya^fc— aw 1 (yawns afide^ 

1^. AAonilhi^g !-r-Mr. Ennu| — 

Ertnuif Ma'anp ; yxw — aw I (qfide) 

Lady. Mr. Ennui can you be in your fenfes ? 

Ennui. In.ftdfc-^I don't comprehend (forget- 

ting bm/tl/J— Oh !— «y-*-fenfc» \—^recolle£tafg 

him/elf) — a lad of fiUhkm la his fenfcs ! — that's 

a very 


A -C O M E D Y. ■ +1^ 

a very good jokf !— if one of us had anv fenfe, 
the rdl would ftiut him up in a cabinet. of curio- 
fities, or fhew him as a wonderful animal i—r, 
they would, damn me ! — I can't fupporc it !-— 
yaw — aw : (yamns aftde.) 

Louifa. So, you glory in your ignorance— 

Ennui. Ma'am— yaw ! aw ! (afide.). 

Leui/a. So, you glory in your ignorance — », 
in your vices. 

Ennui. I've an idea — I, can't underftand— ^' 
(forgetting him/elf ) — vices! Oh:— ay, danui me,' 
to be fuce l—CreceUeSiing bin^elf}~-yo\x muft 
be wicked or you can't be vifited— fingularity. 
is every thing — every man muft get a cha- 
cafter, and I'll lell you how I firft got mine — • 
I pretended to intrigue with my friend's wife—* 
jparagraph'd myfelf in the newfpaper^— got cari-. 
catur'd in the print (hops— made the ftory be- 
Jiev'd — ^was abus'd by every body— nouc'd foe 
my gallantry by every body — and at, length yi- 
fitcd by every body — I was, damme !— I>n curft 
fleepy — yaw^-^w ! (yawns aftde.) 
. tauifa. Incredible ! — but if Angularity is your 
fyflem, perhaps being virtuous, would make you 
as particular as any thing. 

Ennui. Vaftly well ! —'gad, you're like me, a 
wit, and don't know it — {taking out bis watch) — • 
how goes the enemy ? — niorc than half the day 
over 1 — tol de roll loll I (humming a tune)—Vttx 
$s happy as if I was at a Bre, or a general riot — 
come to my arms, thou angel — thou— — ^aj be 
goes to embrace her. Lord Scratch enters-^ 
foe embraces him.) — ^Ah— Scratch !— my friend 
Scratch ! — fit down my old boy— -fit- down ! — ■ 
ve've fertl'd every thing. (Forces him into a 
ihair and fits ky him.) 

G, Uri, 



■ Lord. Why ?-^whar is all this ? 

Ennui. She's to intrigue, and you and X arc 
to go halves in the damages — fotne rich old 
Nabob— we'll draw him into crim. con. — bring^ 
an aftion diredly, and a tenthoofand pound- 
vcrdift at leaft-^heh, damn me !- — 

Lerd. Why he's mad ! — that dramatic ma- 
niac has bit him. 

Ennui. Gee a divorce — marry another, and gO" 
ISalves again, damn me f 

Lord, rijsng. Why, look'ye you impoftor ! — 
you — didn't you come here to pay your addrdKs 
tt> this lady ? and was'nt I to bring you iliR> 
parliament for your quiet Clcnt difpofition ? 
" Emui (fujhingbimout of his way) Mold your 
fongue ! — out of the way, Scratch — o«t oif thtf 
way, or Til do you a mifchief — I will, damn 
me ! — Zounds ! — a'nt I at the top of the beau 
monde? and" don't I fer thefafhions ?— if I was 
to cut off my head would'nt haM* the town do 
the fanfcf — 'they would, damn me! —I get flecpy 
again ! — ^y aw — aw 1 — (afide. } 

Lord. Here now !— here's a Mandarin 
member !— why he'd have bred a civil war! — 
- made ten long fpccches in a day ! — cut your 
head off indeed ;~airfe me but 1 wift jrou 
would — you muft be filent then — you could'nc 
talk without a head, could you ? 

Ennui. Yes, in Parliament — as well whhouf 
a head as with one — do you think a man wanis 
a head for a long fpccch, damn me !— 

Enter Servant.. 
Servant. Her Ladyfliip is waiting, ma'am. 
Lottifa. Oh, I ^actend her— Mr. Ennui your 
moft obedient. 




Ennui, (taking her band) With your leave 
ma'am — ^you fee. Scratch— you Xee. 

Lord. Why.Louifa?— 

Ennui, Keq> your diftance, Scratch — con- 
tctnplaie your Juperiours — look at me with the 
fame awful reipeft a Ciry Beau looks at a 
Prince — this" way, moft angelic — Scratch, cut 
your head off— this way, moft angelic. — 
[Exit with Louifa. 

Lord. Here's treatment !— was ever poor 

• peer fo tormented ?— what aifl I to do !— I'U go 
t* L^y Waitfor't, for from her alone I meet 

■ relief— find a Glent member Indeed ! — by ' my 
privilege one might as foon fii)d a pin in the 
oceaiH— charity in a bench of Biihops — or wit 

• in Wetoninfter Halll— 






SCENE — The Paddock near Lady WAtTOft's 
Houje — A Vie-w of the Hou/e at a XHfiancei 
dtid partly Moonlight. 


'Tis paft the hpur Lady Waitfor't ^ 
pointed — why does Ihe delay ? I cannot haye 
miftaken the place — ^yonder's Lady Walton's 
houfe — Oh ! would all were pafti and Louila 
Jiifely mine ! —1 hear a noife — by heaven 'tis fhe I 
and *ith her all my happinefs — I'll 
wlule and obferve them. (Retires.) 

Enter Lad)W AtTTOK'TyandljoviiA CovKTSEY* 

Louija. My dear Lady Waitfor't, why do 
you loiter here ? you fannot find j^oig- fervants in 
this place — let us return ib Lady Walton's. 

La^. No, no, they muft be here, — I ordered 
them to wait in this very fpot to avoid con- 
fufion. — What can have become of Willough- 

LoHi/a. If you have the leaft fenfe of fear for 
yourfelf, or regard for me, I beg we may return 
CO Lady Walton's. 

Lady. No, no, I tell you I ordered William 
at the back gate, tliat he might conduct us 
thro' the Paddock to our carriage, you know wc 
might have been whole hours getting thro' fhe 
croud the other way — do be a little patient, 
hav'nt I as much reafon to be alarmed as 
yourJelf ? 
, ■ * •■' - ■■ ' Loujfat 



A C O .M E D Y. 45 

Loui/a. Yes, but you hav'nt the apprehen- 
lion I havci I don't know why, but I am terri- 
iSed beyond defcription. 

Lady. Well : well : never fear, (looking out) 

Oh, yonder's Willoughby I now for the grand 

defign ! (qfide) Louffa, if you'll wait here a 

' moment, I'll ftep to the next gate and fee if 

they are there, — they cannot efcape us then. 

Louifa. No, no, don't leave me, — I would'nt 

■ flay by myfelf for the world. 

Lady. Ridiculous ! can't you proteft your- 
fclf for an inftant ? muft you be all your Hfc 
'watch'd like a baby in leading firings ? Oh ! I 
am afliamed of you — only watt a moment leaft 
they pals by in my abfence, and I'll return to 
' you immediately, 

Louija. Well : don't ftay. 

ImSs. Stay ! what have you to be fright'ned 
at ? I fiiall not be out of call — befidcs, if there's 
mxf fear of a perfonal attack, may not I be as 
. terrified as yourfelf ? It is'nt the firft time I'll 
aflure you — but that's no matter — (hew yotrfelf 
a woman of fpint, and at leaft emulate one of 
my virtues. — Now, Willoughby, the reft is 
thine! \ExiU 

WiLLOucHiY comes forward. 

JVtUeugbhy. Be not alarmed, Mifs Courtney. 

Louifa. Mr. Willoughby ! 

Willoughby. Yes, madam, the man you moft 

Louifa. Tell me, fir, immediately, how, and 

■ by whofe appointment you came here ? 

fVilloughby. By love, madam ! the fame paf- 

fion that has prompted me to purfue you for 

- years, 



years, now happily condufts me bidier — ^I come 
to ]e0en your fears, not increafe them. 

Louifa^ Then leave me, fir, I can prot^ 
. myfelfT 

PFiUeughhy. No, not till you have Heard aqd 
.pitied me — I have beenlong your fuitorjimd long 
icorned by youi — 'you have created me with in- 
difference, and preferred my inferiors — how, I 
have deferved ajl this — ^yourfclf can beft ex- 
plain, but to prove all former cruelties are for- 
gotten, I here oSez you my hand, and with it 
my heart. 

Loui/a. Sifi — this is no time for hearing 
you on this fubjed j if you wiih to oblige me, 
leave me. . . 

■ H^lloughhy. No, not till I am anfwered— 
years may elapfe e'er I (ball have another oppor- 
tunity like the ptrfent — therefore no time can be 
ib well as now. 

Lout/a. Then I command you to leave pa&-^ 
I will not be threat'ncd into a compljance- 

fVilleugbby. Look'ye Miis Comtn^^I 
would avoid taking advantage of your fitua- 
tiqn-^nay, ftarc not— but if youperdft in your 
icontempt of me I know not to what eBiremi- 
ties pa^on may hurry me, — I have every mo- 
tive for- redrefs, and if you do not inflantly 
give me your wd to prefer me to that beggar, 
Neville, I may do that my pooler feclc.would 

Lout/a. Beggar, fir. 

ff^lleugbhy. Yes, and were he not beneath my 
refentment, Td tell you more—but he is tpo 
poor— too — 

Louifa, Hold, fir, did you refemble him, I 
might efteem, nay, adore you ^— but as you 


A C OM E D V. 47 

afc, I loath, I dcfplft, I defy you i«^« take 
advantage of my fituarion ! Hear me, fir,— tho* 
not a friend is near, tho* tiight oppofes me, and 
heaven defcn» me ; yet can I fmile upon your 
menaces — and make you tremble, villain as yott 
are.' ' ' ' ' . ' 

Willougbfy. Have a care madam ! another 
declaration like that, and I'll delay no longer— 
I'll force you to my purpofe. 

Leui/a. You dare not' j on your fife you 
dare not. " " ' 

fFilleugbfy. Nay then, — I am not to be terri- 
fied by threats, — {lays bold ofber) all ftruggling 
M ■ in V3K1,— this moment gratifies rciy .rc- 
Tcnge! away ! ,: . .- i 

Loui/a. Off,— let me ga. Oh help ! 'jiclp J 
[As be is forcing ber euty enter FLOWVitLB 
half drunk."} 

Fhr. Donne, donne, donne,dow(^»g(»f^flrf 
ef an Italian air) oh, this Burgundy's a glori- 
ous liquor! heyday! who have we here ? 

Loui/a. Oh, fir t if you have any pity for an 
injured, helplefs woman, affift one who never 
knew diftrefs till now I 

Flor. Go on, nia'am, go on— both damn'd 
drunk T perceive. 

Ijna/a. Do not be deaf to my entreaties— do 
not dcfert me — 

Flor. Go on, ma'am, go on— I love oratory 
in a woman. 

Leuifa. Gracious heaven ! how have I de- 
ferved all this } I fee, fir, you avoid me — I fee 
you are indifierent to my fate. 

. Flor. 



; FUr, No, ma'am, 70U wrong me^-but uk 
Italy — obferrc— we ^ways cake ihde things, 
^ly—no^, fir, will you explain ? 
- fvtllougbby. No, fir, I will not. 
(_ _Flor, You will not I 

^llougbhy. No, fir, and I warn you not to 
Uften -to the wild ravings, of a renielels wo- 
man — it may be betto- for you, Gr. 

Flor. Why fo, Prince Prettyman ? 
J ff^iUqtigkiy. No matter, fir, I will not be 
amur«i from my pur'pofe. 
. Fler. You won't. Old Pluto, won't you; then, 
ma'am, obfervc ! you- fhall behold my mode of 
dghting — I'll kill him like a gentleman, and he 
ihall die without a groan — ^you'll be delighted, 
ma'am — I learn*: it ali in Italy — you dqn't fee a 
man of falhion fight once in a century ! Come, 
Belzebub, are you ready. 

Willougbby. 'Sdeath ! what can I do ? he is 
drunk, perhaps, I may difarm him. 

Flor. Now thou original fin, thou Prince of 
Darkncfs! come outj never let her fee thy 
black infernal vifage more, or by my life I'll 
pulverize you — you fee, ma'am, no bad orator 
cither — learnt it all in Italy. 

IVUioughhy. Come on, fir. 

Flor. Ay, now Old Syfiphus, pufh home — 
but fight like a gentleman if you can, for re- 
member, there is a lady in co[r)pany— obfervc 
ma'am, obfcrve, you won't fee it again. (Tbrf 

FtORiviLLE difarmsV^ ihtavovivi . 

Flor. What, vanqniflicd Tarquin! hah! hah! 

(parrying up and 'down- the jiage by him/elf)— 

you fee, ma'am, you fee ! — Oh ! Italy's your 





onlj' couirtiy I*— Now, ma'am, would you have 
ifte-kill him here, " in Allegro," or poftpone it 
that'y^u may have (be pleafure o^ pinking your- 
felf " in Penferofo." 

tj^tViSAt (coming near Florivuli, and difco- 
vermg him.) 

Loutfa. FIorivilk> my deliverer !—generoii» 
man! — no, fir, — whatever are his crimes, 'do 
nbt kill him—hii greateft punilhmem will be 
to live. 

Flor. There then^ Caitiff, take your fword, 
and d'ye hear,— ^«ife— that black front of thine 
offends the lady— if you want another AourUh, 
you will foon find Rgrivilte— abfcond ! 

Willoughby. Sir, you fttali hear from me— 
diftraffion ! [£*//. 

Fhr. And now, my dear little angel, how 
can I affift you ? — I'm very fony, but I can'c 
help it— -I'm curfed dcunk,-^uid not proper 
company for a lady of your dignity — but I 
won't affront you^I mean to make myfelf agree- 
able, and if I do not, — it is the fault of that 
place, (pointing to bis bead) and not of thia 
(feinting to his heart.) 

Louiftt. Sir, your conduft has endear'd you to 
me for ever, and while I live, your generolitjr 
and valour Ihall be engraven on my heart. 

Flor. Gendy, gently, have a care, make no 
declarations ; if you're in love with me, as I 
fuppofe you are, keep it fccret,— for at this mo- 
ment you might raifc a flame that would con- 
fume us both, — poor creature !— how fond (be is 
of me f any other time I would indulge her, 
but not now— f /fle*j at ber/meiimes, then runs 
H Md 



jJs muft paint to look as (air as you ' (goes from 
Ter again) I'll leave you, or, by heaven, it wil 
be all over with us. 

Louifa. No, no, don*t defert me, alas! I 
have no way left but to commit myfelf to your 
care — ^if I could bring him » recoiled me, all 
would be fafe, Mr. FlorivUle don't you know 
me ? 

Flor. No, would to heaven, I did. 

Louifa. What ? not Mifs Courtney I 

Flor. What Louifa ? — my brother's idol. 

Louifa. Alas ! the very fame. 

Flor. Then may I die if I don't get out of 
your debt before I leave yoih— where ?— where 
ftiall I conduft you ? 

I^ui/a. I know not— return to Lady Waic- 
for'i's again I will not— I had rather be a 
wanderer all my life— to Lady Walton's there 
is noexcufe for returning, and I know no friend 
in Bath 1 dare intrude upon, — I have fo high an 
opinion, Mr. Floriville, of your honour,- — thai^ 
notwitMlanding your prcfent fituation, there is 
no man on eartii I would fooncr confide in— 
can you then think of any place, where I may 
reft in fefety for a few hours, and then I will ftt 
out for my uncle's in the country. — 

Flor. Indeed I cannot, 1 am a wanderer mjf- 
felf — I have no home but what this gendeman is 
to purchafc me (taking out bis furfe) — you can- 
not partake of that. 

Louifa. Oh ! what will become of me 1 

Flcr. Let me fee — I have It— I'll take her to 

my brother's — flie'U be (^c there, and not a 

foul Quit come near her, — well, Mifs Court- 

neyj— • 


A C O M E D Y. 51 

ney, — I have recoIIeAcd a place where I know 
you'll be fafe— <i (rioid's houfC} that will be 
as fccure — nay don't droop-*in Italy we're 
never melancholy. 

Louifa. Oh ! Mr. FloriviUe, to what a ha- 
zard has Lady Waitfor't ezpofed nnCj — to her 
perfidy I owe it all — but yonder's that wretch 
again — pray let us begone, 

Flor. Belzcbub again, — no, no,— we mus'nt 
ftiri what? an Angel 6]f from a Etevil i danimc 
I'll flay and crufti him. 

Louifa. Niyi .fir, refleft, — 'twere madncfi 
to remain. 

Fler. Fwth, that's true; I believe it's braver 
to retire,— therefore, Tarquin, adieu I come my 
beft angel ! I'll fight your battles, and if I don't 
f^nk ail your enemies, may I never lee Italy 
again as long as I live. [£xm)/. 

Enter WiLLoncHBY. 
'Ha! gone,— I'm forry for it — I would Have 
fecn them — ^Lady Waitfor't has jtift left roe, and 
trfiaficd me like her fiavev— infulted and derided 
me J but I'll have done with her for ever — 1*11 
be .her dupe no more<— flie is now gone to 
Neville's lodgings under pretence of purfuing 
Louifa; but in fa<^ to- fee him, and-prevent his 
Icaiving Bath — this I will write to my Lord, 
and .then let him follow, and be witnefs of her 
infaony— thus, I hope, I Ihall make fomc re- 
paration for the w/ongs I have committed, 
and, jwove at laft 1 have fome feofe of 
virtue. \E*it. 




SCENE— Neville's Lodgings— 4 Chjst in 

back Sceflp. 

Two Chairs, and a Table, witk Wine m k. 

A knocking at the Dow. 

Pnt% walks acrofs the Stage, and admits 

VAP^a, with « Pa$sr in hti Hand. 

Vapid. Well, here it IS— where's Neville.? 

Petfr. Not within, fir. 

Vapid. Yes,— yes,— here h iai I muft fee 

Peter. Sir, he's gone out. " . • 

Vapid. Gone Out ! impoffible ! 

Peter. Impoffible! it's very true, fir. 

Vapid. Gone out ! why I've brOught him 
the epilogue — the new epilogue to Mr. What'* 
his name's comedy 1 the very beft thing I ever 
wrote in my Ijfej I knew it would delight him. 

Peter. Sir, ,he has beep gone otrt above thtfc 
two hours. 

Vapid. Then, he'll nevet -forgive himfelf as 
long as he lives — why, its all correft— alt ch^e! 
only one half line wanting at the end to rtiakc 
it complete. 

Peter. Indeed, fir, it's Veiy unfotunaEe. ' ■ 

V^id. Ui^for'tunate ! I wanted to have he!*d 
him read it .too ; when another perfon reads it, 
one often hits on a thought that mightothcr- 
wifc have cfcaped, then perhaps he would have 
hit on that curfed half lin^, I have fo long been 
working at. 

Peter. Sir, if it is not impertinent, and you*d 
petmit noe to read it f 

" ■ Vapid, 


. A C O M E D. Y. ^ 53 

. ■ l^^. You c^ad it I 

PtttTi Yej, fir— if you'd allow me that 

,Fapid. Faith, I fhould have no objeftioo— • 
but wQultl'ot it lown one's dignity ? no> noj, 
Molicre w'd to read his plays to his fenrants,, 
faj bclieve^'it regula:— come, fi>-4)egin. 

. PsTER reading Epilogs. 
*^ In ancient times, when agonizing wars, 
' '* And bleeding- nationb, fill'd the world with jars; 
** When, nuarder, ^tde, fudden death, prevail'd, ' 
«• When"^— - 

FapiJ. Stop — fcjp— I have it:— not awpn? 
for your life, I feel it I - ii'i coming on I— ^h« 
laft Une dire&l^— quick ! quick I 

. Fet2Wl reads. 
** The tyraot totters, and the fcnate nods, 
" ■»• Die all, die nobly" — 

(Ber^sfifitething wantingj Jir. 

Fapid, .1 Tsjmur i^ fay nothing— I have itl- 
(walks hack-Boards and forwards.) 

** The tyrant. totters, and the fenate nods 
" Die all; die nobly ! " 

Oh, damnitl ^amn itl—damn it!— that curled 
h^f line, I IhaJl never accompltfli it— all fy 
chafte !— all fo corre^ ! and to have it marr'd . 
for wqnt of one- half line I ' one curs't half 
line I— <I could almoft weep for difappointment. 

- ^Pttfr. Ney;er mind, fir, don't perplex your- 
felf,— put in any thing. 

; yipid. Fgt in any thin^!— why, *ds the laft' 

line, and the epilogue m^ft end with fomething 




ftrikln^> or it will be no trap foi iapplaufc^N» 
trap wr applaufe, afttr all this .fine writing ! 
Put in any Thing !-;-What do you mean, Simh ? 
Peter. Methinks diis is a ib-ange epilogue p 
1 corhedy-^r^ knock at the tio9r)-~perhaipi this is 
my ma.Q:er— (looks o«/_)— no, ag 1 live 'tis Mr^ 
Floriville, and Mifs Courtney Y (be mus'nt on 
any account be feen by this genclemfin. 

f^apid. Well, who is it r— **''the Tyrant 

Peter. Sir, it's a friend of Tny matter's, who 
hat brought a lady with him-r-rm fure youVe 
too much gallantry to interrupt an amotarj and 
therefore you'll be kipd enough to get out of 
flie way directly. 

* Fapiif. Get out' oir the way! *hatthe Devil,^' 
in the middle of hiy-compofuibn f— " Die all t 

die nobly" 

Peter. Nay, fir,— only ftep for a moment into 
this clofet, and you fliall be rdeafcd — ^how pray, 
£r, — pray be prevailed on^- ■ '■ 

'yapid. Well! let me fee— 4n this clofet I— 
wtty here's China^ zounds! .would'-yOuput a live 
author in a China clofet ? r!-^- 

Peter. What can 1 do, fir ! — t.herc is no way 
out but that door— get in here, for an inftant, 
and I'll fhew them into the library— now do, fir? 
\ P'apid. Well; be brief then, "die all! -difc" 
lidbly T" — oh t oh V oh ! [Enters 'cU/ety and 
FloriVi; LE 3}rdt^'Jv\&A inter. <-•■.- 
" Flor. licyctiy ! ■ my old aci^uailttance, Peter!' 
Where's my brother ? ■ ■" - 

'Peter. Sir, -he 'has been 'out the- whole 
cyeping. . , .■'_-.■ 

; %outfd. In tlie^me houfe with'NeViSe-1— oh ! . 
Iftavens! ■ ■ ' ' ^' ^ ■■ ■ ■ .' '- ■ 

'■-'- ■• ■ ■ Flor. 


A C O M E D Y. 55 

Flor. Well, Mffs Courtney, I hope now you 
are convinced of your fafety. 

Lottifa, Yes, fir, but I would it were in any 
other place. Lady Waitfor't e'er this is in pur- 
(uic of me, and. if Ihe difcovers me here, you 
know too well how much I have to dread. 

[Knock at the door — Petir exit. 

Flor. Don't be alarmed— there's nothing 
Ihall moleft you. 

Louifa. Oh, fir !^you don't know the endlefs 
malice of Lady Waitfor't— Ihe will triumph in 
my mifery, and till my Lord is convinced of her 
duplicity, 1 fee no hope of your brother's happi- 
nefs, or my own. 

Re-enter Peter. 

Peter. Lady Waitfor't is below enquiring for 
that lady, or my mafter. 

Flor. For my brother ! 

Peter. Yes, fir, and my Lord has fent to 
know if Mr. Vapid, or her Ladyihip, have 
been hoe— he was in bed, but on receiving a 
letter, got up, and will be here in an inftant. 

Louifa. For heaven's fake, Mr. Floriville, let 
me retire, — ^I cannot fupport the conflict. 

Flor. Promife to recall your fpirits, and you 

Louifa. What I can do I will. 

Flor. Then know no apprehenfion, few-, on my 
life, you Ihall not be difturbed. (Leads her to 
the door of the library, and talks in dumb fiiew. 
Vapid from Clo/et. 

Vapid. Peter ! Peter ! can't you rcleafe me ? 
Peter, No, fir, don't move, you'll ruin every 




V^iJ. Then give me that candle — I iavc 
pen and ink — 1 think I ciMild fiiiifh my- 
' Peter. Here, fir, (nvittg candle^ 

Vapid. I hat curftTialf line!—" die all"—* 
(Peter fituts bim in.) 

Flor. So, now the ftorm begins, and if I don't 
have fome fport with the enemy---(^/f at tahle^ 
and begins drinking) — Here flic OKnes 1— 

Enter Lady Waitfor't. 

Flw. Chairs, Peter, chairs !•— fit down, 
ma'anv— fie down— you honour mc exceedingly. 

Lady. Where is your brother, fir?— I '\vS&. 
on feeing hiau 

EMer Lord Scratch. 

Lord. There fiie is I-— in a man's lodgings at 
midnight I — ^here's treatment I 

Lady. My Lord, I came here in learch of 
I^ouifaj who has been betrayed from my pow'r. 

Lord. Lodc'ye, my Lady — read that letter^ 
that's all, read that letter, and then lay if we flia'nt 
both cut a figure in the print fhops. 

Lady, (taking Utter) bal Willei^hby'slftndi 
(reads) " Lady Waitfor't" (/ bave only time t» 
" tellyou) is gone to Neville's lodgmgs to meet 
** one the has long had a pafiion for>— follow heri 
" and be convinced of her duplicity". Oh I the 
vill^n 1— 'Well, my Lord, and pray who b the 
man I cmne to meet ? 

Lord. Why who fhould it b^ but the ftage 
ruffian, if there was a fopha in the room, my 
life on'r, he'd pop from tehind it — xounds diat 
fellow will lay ftraw before my door every 
nine months! 

a Lady 


A C O M E b V. 17 

Ladyi This is fortunate (afide) well, fir, if 1 
difcover LAiiifa, I hope you'll be convinced I 
came here to redeem her, and notdifgrace my- 
lelf. Tell me, fir, immediately, where flic is con- 
cealed ? (To Fkriville.J 

Flor. Sit down, ma'am, — fit down : drink — ■ 
drink, then we'll talk over the whole affair — there 
is no doing bufinefs without wine — ^come, here's^ 
" The Glory of Gallantry "-^-I'm fure you'll 
both drink that. 

•Lady. No trifling, Gr, — tell me where ftic is 
concealed? nay, then I'll eximine the apart- 
ment mylelf — (gees to door of library )—~xii£ door 
lock'd ! give me the key, fir.-^ 

Flor. (drinking) The Glory of Gallantry, 

Lord. Hear me, fir, if the kdy is in thac 
apartment, I Ihall be convinced that you, and 
your brother, are the fole authors of all this 
treachery! — if flic is there ! by the honour of my 
anceftore fhe ftiall be Willoughby's wife to- 
morrow morning. 

Flcr. (ri/tng) Shall Ihc, my Lord, pray were 
you ever in Italy ? 

Lord. Why ? Coxcomb ! 
Flor. Becaufe I'm afraid you've been bitten 
by a taruiiula — you'll cxcufe me — but the 
fymptoms are wonderfully alarming — There is a 
blazing fury in your eye — a wild emotion in ydur 
countenance, and a green fpot— 

Lord. Damn the green fpot ! — open that 
door, and let me fee immediately : I'm a peer, and 
have a right to look at any thing. 

Flor. (Jianding before the door.) No, fir, this 
door mufl: not t^ open'd. 

I . Lsrd, 



Lord. Then I'll forget my peerage, and draw 
my fword. 

Flor. (to La^ Waitfet'tf who is going to in- 
terfere) Don't be alarmed, mj'am, — I'll only 
indulge him for my own amulement — -mere trout 
filhing, iDa'am— come, my Lord, I'll give you a 
fpecimen of fordgn gladiatorftiip, and you fliaU 
confefs that FlQriville is the beft fencer is Eu- 
rope — don't be a^MTu'd, ma'anv— come oq, 
Louija comes from the apartment, 

Loujfa, Hold ! I charge you hold ! let not 
my unhappy fate be the fourcc of more cala- 
mities ! 

Lord. 'Tis ftic herfclf!— my Lady did not 
come to meet the madman f 

Flor. By the Lord, ma'am, you've ruined all. 
. , Lotiifa, I know, fir, the confcquenceit of tJiis 
difcovery, and I abide by then>— but what I 
have done 1 can juftify, and would eo heaven! «U 
here could do the fame. 

Flor. Indeed 1 can't tell— I wi^ I was io 

Lord. Mark me, madam, — nay tears are in 
vain— to-morrow ftiall make you the wife of 
Willoughby, and he fliall anfwer for your fol- 
lies — no reply, fir — (to FlorivHU^ •who it gm^ 
tojpeak) I would'nt hear the Chancellor. 

hady. Now, who is to blame i Oh ! virtue ii 
ever fure to meet it's reward I — coijw to meet a- 
mad poet indeed. ! my Lord, I fofgiye you only 
on condition of your fignin^a contrad tp nutrry 
me tormorrow, and Louifa to Wiltpughby ac th« 
fame time. 

Lord, I will, thou befl: of woitien ! — draw it 

up immediately: — and Nevillg Db^U ftarve foe 



A C O M E D Y. 59 

his treachery. {^LaJy H^aitfor't goes to the taile 
and writes. 

LaviSA faliing at bis feet. 

Loui/a. Hear me, fir, not for myfel^ but a 
wrong'd friend, I fpeak — Mr. Neville knows not 
of my conoealment ; on my honour ! he is in- 
Aocenc :^if that lady's wrongs mult be avenged, 
confine the punifhment to me — I'll bear it; with 
patience bear it ! ' 

Lord. Let go! — ^let go I fay — my gorge is 
rifing again — ^Lady Waitfor't make hafte with 
the contrad. 

Lady, It only wants the fignaturc, — now, my 

Flor. Look'ye, uncle— Ihe's the caufe of all 
this mifchief, and if you are not loft — 

Lord. Out of my way, — O'd — noife and non- 
fence ! — don't fancy yourfelvcs in the Houfe of 
Con[inions ! we're not fpeaking twenty at a time. 
Here ! give me the peri — I'l] fign direftly, and 
now — [^s he is Zoin? toftgn. Vapid breaks China 
in the clojet, andrupes out, xvitb the epilogue in 
bis band. 

Vapid. Die ^1 ! die nobly ; die like demi- 
gods ! — huzza ! huzza ! 'tis done ! 'tis paft I 
'tis perfcA ! 

Flor. Huzza! — the poet at laft! Scop him 
who can ? 

Lady. Confufion ! tell me, fir, immediately, 
what do you mean by this new infult. 

Vapid. Die all ! die nobly ! die like demi- 
gods! — oh! it's glorious! — ah! Old Scratch, 
are you there ? joy ! joy ! give me joy ! — I've 
done your bufinels — the work's paft ! — the la- 
I a hour's 



hour's o'er, try boy ! — think of that matter 
Brook— think of that. 

Lady. My Lord, I am vilely treated — I defire 
you'll infift on an explanation. 

Flor. He can't fpcik, Ma'ann. (Jll this timet 
my Lcrd is flow ^y walking away.) 

Lady. Huw ! arc \ou going to leave me, my 
Lord ! (Vapid taking out his common place book.) 
I apid. Faith ! this mus'nt be loft — here's fome- 
thin^' worth obferving. 

Flor. Don't ftop him, ma'am — there is a 
grandeur in filent grief that {hduld ever be in- 
dulged — mark his countenance — in every fur- 
row of his angry brow is written " Frailty, thy 
name is woman"~-]et him have his way — let him 
have his way, — fee ! how folcmnly he retires ! 
\_Lord Scratch exits. 
Lady. Oh ! — I fliall burft with rage ! — Mr. 
Vapid I defire you'll explain how you came in 
that clofet ? — why don't you anfwer me, fir ? 

Vapid. Your pardon, ma'am I was taking a 
note of the affair — and yet I'm afraid. 
Lady. What are you afraid of fir ? 
Vapid. That it has been dramatized before,— 
it is certainly not a new cafe. 

t^idy. Infupportable ! — but I take my leave of 
you all— ^l abandon you for ever — I ! — oh ! — I 
ftiall go wild ! Vapid. \Exit in a rage. 

Flcr. Ay, ay, follow hJs Lorafliip — virtue is 
ever fure to meet its reward ; now Mr. Vapid tell 
■us how you came in that clofet? 

Vcpid. Faith! I can'r— I' believe the ffcrvant 
hurried me there on your approach. 

Flcr. Then you did'nt come to meet I^dy 
Waitfor't ? 

Vapid. Meet Lady Waitfor't !— no, — I came 

to read my epilogue to Neville; and a wonderful 



A C O M E D Y. 6r 

produftion it is. — " The tyrant totters, and the 
ftnatc nods."'— {walking about.) 

Loui/a. To what a ftrange fatality of circum- 
ftances has her charafter been expofed ! but vice 
often finds it's puniftiment for acrime it never 
committed, when tc efcapes for thoufands it - 
daily practices. — 

Flor. Well, Mifs Courtney, I hope now your 
apprehenfions are at an end. 

Louija. Yes, fir, I fliall remain for the Ihort 
time necelTary to prepare for my journey — and" 
beg I may detain you no longer« — I'm afraid 1 
have already been a great intruder. 

Flor. No, you've been the occafion of more' 
happincfs than ever 1 experienced--but you 
won't leave Bath till you've feen my brother. 
■ Louija. Oh ! I have been cruelly deceived, 
Mr. Fioriville ! I have injured your brother fo 
much, that, tho' I wilh, I almofl: dread to fee him." 

Flor. Then I'll go in fearch of him, and if 
I don't reconcile you j — come Mr. Vapid will' 
you walk. 

Vapid. With all my heart. CFloriville, 
taking him by the band.) 

Flor, By heaven ! you are an honcft fellow, and 
if all poets were lilce you, I'd become one myfelf — 
Mifs Courtney, adieu ! — expeft me to return. ' 
Vapid. Madam, good night ! — if I can be of 
any fervice to you in the dramatic, or any other 
way, — you may command me.-^ 

Flor. Ay ! I'll anfwer for him — he would die 
to fcrve you. 

Vapid. Die to ferve her! — ay, "die all !"— 
die nobly ! — die like deqiigods !" [Exeunt. 

END of ACT lY. 




SCEN3S— L*^ Waitfor'tV yfyartment, 

Ljtdy Waitfor't difcovered at her toilette — 
Letty waiting. 

Lady. Mr. Vapid not come yet Letty ! 

Lttty. Noiina'am — but the fervant who found 
him at the Tavern, faid he would be here imme- 

Lady. I proteft, I am almoft weary of them 
all (ne^e without) fee, who's there. 

(LiTTT lifiens and returns.') 

Zjttty. Mr. Vapid at laft, now pray youc 
ladyfhip, infift on his explaining every thing to 
my lord. 

Lady. Yes j but vilely as he has treated me, I 
mult lUll be calm. 

(Vatid, putting bis bead in.") 

Lady. Walk in, lir, walk in. 

Vapid. No, ma'am — I'd rather ftay here. 

tadf. 1 beg you'll be feated Mr. Vapid— 1 
have {bmething of confequence to impart to you« 

(Vapid, gently coming *».) 
. Vapid. I'd never have ventured, but in hopes 
of feeing my dear Marianne. 

Lady. Indeed, I will not detain you a mo* 

Vapid. Very well ma'am> if that's the caJe, — 
(Jlowly /eating hitn/elf) I'tsvery alarming, (afide) 

Lady. Letty leave the room, and feften the 

door, l-^'O' ■^''" 




yapid. No— no— don't do that, I be&eclk 

Lady. You're very much fright'ne4 Mr. 
Vapid, — I hope you don't fuppofe 1 have any 
dcfign againft you. 

Vapid^A don't know, really ma'am— Aich 
things are perfedly dramatic. 

l^dy. Well, but to releafe you &oni your 
fears, I'll tell you why I have given you this 
trouble— my bufinefe, Mr. Vapid, was ro con- 
verfe wiih you on the farcical affiur, that happen'^ 
' at Neville's. 

Vapid. Farcical ! 

Lady. Yes, fir, the farcical affair that hi^ipen'd 
at Mr. Neville's. 

Vapid. Farcical! what, my epilogue, ma'anil — 
I hope you don't mean to rcfleft on that. 

Lady. No fie — far from it — 1- have no doubo 
but ttjs a very elegant compofidon. 

Vapid. Doubt! here it is!— read it 1— the 
very firlt production of the age I a regular climax 
of poetic beauty ! — the laft line the ne plus ultra 
of genius. 

Latfy. But to be fcrioua, Mr. Vapid. 

Vapid. Why. I am ferious— and I'll tell you. 
Lady Waitfor't — 'tis the laft line of an epUogue, 
and the lafi; fccne of a comedy that always 
diftrafts n>e' — ''tis the reconciliation of lovers— 
there's the difficulty !— you find it fo in real life, 
I daric fay. 

Lady. Yes — but Mr. Vapid, this affair con- 
cerns me exceflively, and I wiffi to know what is 
to be done. 

Vi^id. I'll tell you, — write a play, and bad as 

it may polTible be, fay it's a tranfljition from the 




f rench> And inierwcave a few compliments On tliC 
Englilh, and my life on't, it does wonders— d6 
it, — and fay you had the thought from me. 

haiy. Sir, do-yoir mean to deride me ? 

Vapid. "No ; _but only be cautious in your 
ftyle — women are in general apt to indulge that 
pruriency and warm luxuriancy of fancy they 
pollersj — but do. be careful — be decent — if you 
are not, I have done with you. 

Lady. Sir, I dcfirc you'll be more refpcflful— 
I don't underftand it at all. (f'JfgO 

Vdpid. Then here comes one that will expl^ 
every thing. 
* •• There's io her all that wc believe of Heaven, , 

** Amazing Bf ightnefs. Parity, and Truth, 

■• Eternal Joy, anJ cvcrlafting Love !" 

Vapid. My dear fwcet little partner, I rejoice 
to fee you. 

Marianne. And my dear fwect Mr. Poet, I re- 
joice to fee you. 

Lady. Provoking ! have I not told you a 
thoufand times, never to break in upon me when 
1 am ajone ? 

Marianne. Alone my lady ! do you reckon 
Mr. Vapid nobody then ? " 

Lady. Suppofe I ihould, what is it to you ? 

Marianne. Then I have no notion of your 
nobodies — I always thought them harmlcfs un- 
meaning things. — but Mr. Vapid's noffo very 
harmlefs either — are you, Mr. Vapid. — 

Vapid. Indeed, ma'am, I am not. 

Marianne. There now,— I told you fo— opoa 

mjr word you rdy too much on your lime of 

J lif&— 


A C O M E D Y. 65 

life— you do indeed — you think becaufe you're 
a little the worfe for wear, you may truft yourfelf 
any where, — but you're miftaken — you're doe 
near fo bad as you imagine— nay, I don't flatter, 
do 1, Mr. Vapid ? 

■Vapid. Indeed ma'am, you do not. 

Lady. L,09k'ye, mifs — ^yourinfblenceis nottft 
bf borne, — you have been the chief caufe of all 
my perplexities, 

Marianne. Nay, aunt, don't fay that. 

Lady. No matter — your behaviour is fliame- 
lefs, and it is high time 1 exerted the authority of 
a'relation— you area difgraceto mt — to yourfelf, 
and your friends — therefore I am determined to 
-put into cTCcution a fchcme I have long thought 

Mariittne. What is it ? (bmething plealant I 

La^. No, you Ihall retire to a convent, till 
you take poflTeffion of your fortune. 

Marianne. A convent 1 Oh lord !■ I can't 
make up my mind to it, now don't, pray don't 
'think of it — ^I declatt its quite fliocking. 

Lady. It is a farbciter place than you deferve^ 
tny rciolotion is fixedi aha we (hall fee whether 9 
life of folitude and aufterity wilt not awaken . 
fome fenfe of Ihame in you. 

. Marianne. Indeed, I can't bear the thoughts 
of it,— Oh do fpeak to her Mr. Vapid — tell her 
about the nafty monks, now do, a convent ! 
mercy ! what a check to the paffions ? Oh 1 I 
can't bear it. (weeping.) 

Vapid. Gad, here's a fudden touch of tragedy 

—pray. Lady Waitfor't, rcflcft— you can't 

feno a Udy to a convent when the theatres are 

K open 



open — ^fee, it will break thepoor girl's heart— 
don't weep To Marianne i 

Marianne, I can't help it — it will be the death 
of me I pray my dear aunt. 

Lady. Not a word — I am determined—to- 
morrow you fhall leave this country, and then I 
have done with you for ever. 

Mariaxne. Oh ! my poor heart 1 

Vapid. See ! flie'll faint I 

Marianne. Oh ! oh ! oh ! 

Marianme/j;»/j w La^ Waitfort's armz. 

Lady. Oh ; I have gone too far, what's n> be 
done ? 

Vepid. Some relief immediately, or Ihe'Il ex- 
pire — where fhall 1 fly. 111 call the lervants. 

Lady. No, 'twill be too late — I have Ibme 
drops in this clofet may recover her — hold her a 
moment, and for heavens fake take care of her. 

Marianne lays in Vapid's arms* 

Here's a fituation !— Poor girl ! how I pity her ! 
1 really loved her. 

Marianne. Did you really love roc, Mr. 
Vapid ? 

Vapid. Hey day ! recovered I— here's ind^ 
dent ! 

Marianne. But did you really love me, Mr. 
Vapid ? 

Vapid. Yes I did, — here's ftage effeft ! 

Marianne. And would you have really run 
2way with me, Mr. Vapid ? 

Vapid, Yes I really would— ' 

Mmam', Thco come along this moment, 
■«. Va^d, 


A C M E D V. if 

y^id. Hufli !— hcrtf*s the <^ lady ! keep dy- 
ing as before and we'll effc<ft che bulineis— tnorc 
equivoque ! 

Re-enter Lady WAixroR'T. 

Ladjf. Well, Mr. Vapid» how does Ihe do ? 
lord ] fhe's in ftrong convulfions. 

Vapid. Yes ma'am, flie's dying, where are the 
.Lady. Here, fir. 

Vapid. There are very few— arc there any 
more of the lame kind ? 

Lady. Yes, plenty. 

Vapid. Fetch them, — 'tis the only hope — -if 
you have any hartlhorn too, bring a little of 
that— our feelings will all need it. 

Zrfst/r. Very true, Mr. Vapid, I declare to you 
Trci quite Ihocked. {Exit, 

Marianne. Well, Mr. Vapid, now lets nitt 
away— come — ^why what are you thinking of? 

Vapid. My laft aft, and I fear — 

Mariame. What do you fear ? 

Vapid, That it can't be managed — let mc (e5— 
we certainly run away, and ihe returQfr-''faith I I 
mull; fee her return. 

Marianne. No, no, pray let us begone. Chink 
of this another time. 

Vapid. So I will — ir will do for the fourth, 
tho' not for the fifth aft, — therefore my dear 
little girl come away, and we'll lire and die 

Marianne. Die together ! 

V^id. Ay ''die all! die nobly 1 die like 
Demigods I" [£*«<»/, 

K a , Re-enttf 



Re-enter Lady Waitfor't. 

Ladj. Here, Mr. Vapid — here arethedrops !— 
what gone ! — I'll follow my lord, and if -he ftill 
avoids me,. I'll have done with them all for 
ever ! — ruined by a writer of epilogues !— Oh ! I 
fhall buHt with difappointment. [Exit, 

SCENE — j^ Apartment in Neville'j Houfe, 

( But net the Jame Room.) 

In the back Scene, Glafs Doers .with Curtains. 

Enter Leui/a Courtney. 
Loui/a. Stilt in the fame houfe, yet ftill afraid 
to meet him! oh Neville 1 myfuperipur in every 
thing i how can I hope for yoyr forgivenefs ? 
while you reveaPd an affection it had done you 
credit to deny, I concealed a paffion I might 
have been proiud to confefs. 

Enter Vapw asf/MARiAKME. 

Marianne. Oh ! Mifs Courtney ! my fweet 
Mifs Courtney ! Mr. Vapid, here, has run away, 
with me, aad I am fo frightened ior fear of Lady 

Loui/a. Yes, ihe may well alarm you, — (he 
has deftroyed my peace for ever I but have you 
fcenMr. Neville ? yet, why do I tik? 
■ Fapid, Seen Mr. Neville ! — ^whac f doe^nt 
tic yet know you are in his lodgings. 




: A C O M B D Y, 69 

lat^fa. No> and I hope neycr will' — the mo- 
ment his t»'oth^ returnsi 1 ihall fet out, for my: 
uncle's, and perhaps never, fee him niorc. 

Vapid. And why not fee him, ma'am ? 

Lotti/a. Becaufc I cannot bear the fight of one 
I have lb mjured.^ 

Vapid. This'U do— mutual equivoque 1 equal 
mifundcrftanding I my own cafe exactly 1 

Marianne. Your own <^e 1 Lord ! . you bale 
man, have you got a young lady in your lodg- 

Fapid, Ridiculous 1 don't ulk about young 
ladies 2.1 fuch an awful — the very ficuation in my. 
comedy ! the lafl: fcene to a fyllable ! — there's an 
opportunicy of improving the denouement. 

Enter Peter, 

PeUr. Ma'anv my maftcr. is retyrn'd— the 
occafion of his delay has been a long interview 
with Mr. Willoughby, — ^he docs'nt knowy«u arc 

Loui/a. Marianne excufe me — you'll be life 
from Lady Waitfor't here — indeed I'm very 111^ 

Marianne. Nay — where are you going. 

Louifa. Alafs! any where to avoid him — fare- 
well ] and may you enjoy that happtncis I have 
for ever loft. [Exit. 

Mariaitne. Poordear girl ! I mus'ot leave her 
thus — ^Mr. Vapid, we wont run away 'till fome- 
thing is done for her. 

y^id Go,— there's a good girl— follow her 
and comfort her. 

■ MarioKne. I . will — Lord ! if they muft be 

happy in being friends again what muft I be wbo 

ihalu them fol [Exit. 




Vapii. The pifturc before me! all flwn SA* 
ture, — I muft heighten his diftreft, for contraft ia 
every thing— Peter, not a word for your life. 

Ettttr NsviLLB. 

Nev. Vapid, I am glad to fee you— any letter 
from my brother ? \T9 Feter 

Peter. None, fir. 

Nev. Nor mcffage ? 

Peter. No, fir. 

Nev. Then I need doubt no longer— 'tia evi- 
dent he avoids me— cruel I ungenerous Flo- 
riville— ^d/j bitnfelf.) 

Vapid (leaning over his chair.') 

Mifs Courtney will never fee you again. 

Nev. I know it — too well I- know it — that, and 
that alone, makes me determined co leave this 
country for ever. 

Vapid. You are unhappy then. 

Nev. Completely fo. 

V^id. Then &op-~Cfits iy bim) Ihc' was an 
angel, Harry. 

Nev. Ay : a divinity 1 

Vapid. And then to lofe her. 

Nev. {rifing) Sdeath 1 — don't torment me I-^ 
my griefs arc already beyond bearing. 

Vapid. It will do— he's as unhappy as I could 

Peter. I can hold no longer — fir ! 

Vapid. Hufli ! — ^you d— d dog you'll ruin the 

Peter. Idon'tcare^— I'll tell him every tluDg-** 
fir !— Mr. Neville I 



A . C O M E D Y. yr 

V^id* You viH»n I — do you ever go to a 
" play ? — do yoii ever fit in the gallery ? 

Peter. YeSj fir, fometimes. 

Vapid. Then know this is all for your good— 
you'll applaud itlbmeday orotheryou dog — curfe 
It, won't he have happinefs enough bye and bye— 
What ? — you are going abroad Neville 1 

Nev. Yes, for ever — farewell Vapid. 

Vofid. Farewell Neville— good night—— 
Now for the effect, — Mifs Courtney is in. the 
next room. 

Nev, What I 

Vapid. Mifs Courtney is in the next room. 

Nev. Louifa ! Is it polCble ! 

Vapid. There's light and fliadc ! — ^Yes, your 
.brother brought her here, and flie expels him 
to return every moment. 

Nev, My brother! then 'us he means ta 
marry her — nay perhaps they are alrc^y mar* 
ricd — heavens ! 1 fiiall go wild. 

V^id. Don't, don't go wild— that will ruin 
,the denouement. 

Nev. No matter — I am refolved — I'll bid her 
farewell for ever — ^Vapid, 'tis the laft favour I 
ihall alk of you — give her this (a Utter) and tell 
her fince 1 have refcnted Willougliby's attack 
on her honour, I think I may be allowed to 
vindicate my ownj tell her, great as have beea 
my faults, my truth has ftill been greater, and 
wherever I wander-^ 

Vapid. Here's a flouriffi now !— why you mif- 
underlland — ^fhe is not married, nor going to be 

Nev, Come, this is no rime for Raillery. 




Vapid. Rwlleiy I— -why^ I'm ferioiis, — ferious 
as the fifth Aft-Ae is ndw IW^ing on yovi 

Nev. Pfythee leave fooling, it will produce no 
<!ffi:6t, beliCTC me. 

Vapid, Won't it ? it will produce a rery great 
cffeft though believe nK, zoands ! go to her, 
prefcrve the unity of aftion) — mtfrry her direftly, 
•nd if the catafbrtphe does not conclude with 
fi)iric» damn my comedy,— *damn ftiy comedy-^ 
that's all, damn my comedy.. ■ 

Nev. Would to heaven you were in earneft. 

Vvpid. Eiwneil ! Why there it is now ! the 
women, dear creaturesj ai^ alwiys ready -tnoagh 
ID prodwre elFed*— but tfic men are fo cws'l un- 
■h-amatic,-*go to her, — I t«H you, go to hier— 
(Vapid, fiiewing his commm place ^eti)— Hcife 
m my Ijord and your brother widi hiih-^-comcj 
^ to the Lady — itiake as good an exit as you 
can— there — no Aourifhes^— that WiU do. 

[Neville extti, and Vapid, fimdsajida, 

fitter lu>rd Scratch and Florivillb. 

lard. That curft dramatic maniac>-^if I ftc 
lum again — 

Flt>r. My dear uncle confent to Harry's mar- 
riage, and depend on't he Ihall trouble you no 

Lord. I tell you again, "fir, I will nor. 

Fi4r, Willybu give any hopes of future con- 

Lord, By the word of a Peer, I will not. 



A C O M E Y. 73 

Vapid comittg forward, touching Lord Scratch en 
the Shoulder, and writing in cemmon-fiaee 

Vapid. Mailer Brook, let me pcrfuade you. 

ZjSrd. Flamc!: and firebrands, the fiend again. 

Vapid. Give confcnt, and I'll give Neville a 
fortune— he (hall have the— entire profit of the 
difierent plays In i^ich I intend to have the ho- 
nour of introducing yourielf and the oldL.ady- 

Lerd. Oh ! that I Was not a Peer ; if I was 
any thing elfe, but thank heaven, Louifa Is 
more averic to the match than myfelf. 

Vapid- U{iit)> 

Zjord. Yes, flie knows his falfchood, and def- 
pifes him. 

Vapid. What'you are confident ofit. f 

Lord. Out of my way fir,— I'll not aufwer 
you,— I'll go- ttUtenerto town direftly, out of 
my way, fir. 

Vapid. Stop— you're wrong. Matter Brook— 
Ihe's in that room. . 

Lvtd. Where f — behind me. 

Vapid. Yea — there — there \— (pointing) — now 
for it— ^h« an cffeft f 
Lord Mtnt glafs deors, and di/fovers Neville 

kneeling to Louifa. Mariamie with them. 

Vapid. There Peter, theres! a cataftrophe! 
&akefpeu^a tovetuion nothing ! applaud ic you 
dog— dap, dap, Peter, dap. 
. Ijord. What arc you at, you impudent rafcal, 
^ out of the room. {Exit Peter. 

Vi^ I ifa9uld f« this down— I imy foi^. 
L> Marianne, 

rihyGoo^le ' 


Mmanxei Lwd ) he has » VCTy bad menwry, 
1 hope he ■won*! foreet our miimagc. 

Nev. Oh ! Louua, what am I to diitdt ? 

L»tii/a. That I have vroog'd thre, NcviQe ! 

FI&: My dear Hgrry, let this be pay i^logy 
for not having fepn you bc£ote (ppitig him,4 f0^ 
per) Mifs Courtney, ten thouiand joys, cxhM t 
have found my brotlu;r, you Ihoi^ hare ieea 
him fooner. 

Nev. Why here ja the ^cfdaf gift of half your 

Fler. I know it, butjTay pothui^-— when yoa 
gave me money, five yean ago, <lid I % 9ny 
idling f — no, I forgoic it a$ foon as it was over, ' 
and ihould never haverecolle&cd, at this mixiicn^ 
but for my Lord's Inhumanity. ^-Uode I th^j^ 
you — ^you have made me the happicft map ajive. 

LorJ. Don'F perploc me, what a compouad of 
folly and gcnerofity ? 

Mariame. Unde ii^aw, vtai are your, ftel- 
mgs on this occafion, as my aunt istys i 

Lor J. Feelings 1 I ,Dfv«r knew ^ Fptrr had 

Marianne. Did'ntyou?. 

Lord. No; but pow I find the contrary j J bor 
pn to think I've a ficait like other men,— 4t^ 
better to atone for an error, than perfift In one— 
therefore give mt diat deed, Nerillc-f-thftri fir^ 
( Ja FloriviUe) do you ihihk nobocfy has 
eftates but yourfclf.— Looib and her ibrtviw an 
your own Ncvitic, and a&a my ckadi y^ Ihall 
have all mine j and now there's t cmft burden 
offmymind. . . ..... 

..2 .. Z£trunme. 


A C O M E D Y. ;£ 

-; Miuitanti; Now y(x^-0 a deu creawrr ! and I 
worft, iirarry,-Khac's nylut I won't mthouc con-. 
^ting you. 

Leni. You punyl whf, irfio A]ould you 
many? aadpray bow came you here 2 

■ Marimne. A gendeman run away with vnc, 
I)P is now ia the room. * 

■■ Lord, In the room 1 what ! FloriviUe ? 

■ Mariaunt^ Noj behind you, (potBtinf^ . f9 
Vafidf who is writing at a tahie.) . . 

Lord. Ghofts, and fpe&rea 1 my evil geniiis V 

■ Mariamu, Come, my dear— Jiav'm you al- 
iDoft fioilhed f 

(Vapid rifing.') 
A^iU.. Yea, the dcnoAcment is oomplM^ and 
now Mrs. Va^d,. i refign myfclf eo love and 

Marianne. Come, give confent my X.x>rd> n^l 
I^oand will get inoney thv' I have none. 
. Lerd. None 1 I dare fay he can tell you, yo« 
will have twelve thouiand pounds in lels thui » 

- Vapid, That's a. new incident! 
. .Mariannt. Shall' 1 1 then £uth 1 Mr. Yapid;. 
we'll build a theatre of ourownj you Ihall write 
pUys> and I'll zSt them. 

EMer EiTKvi. 
Ennui. I've an idea I Ig^veyoujoyNevil!^- 
I mean to kill time by living fingle, and 
therefore 1 hope the Lady and the borough may 
be your's. 

A^riaane. Mr. Ennui, I hope you'll forgive 
me, and Sir Harry HuftlCj the fauguc we oc- 
cafioned you. 




Eimui. Yaw ! aw — don'tmendon it— *1icverjr 
rrcolledion makes mc faint — in faft, mv Lord, I 
juft met one of Lady Waitfor't's fcrvana, «*o 
cells me fhe his left Bath, in a rage. 

Flor. I am afraid ftie has efcaped too caffly. 

Lord. Oh ! nev^r think of her, I can airfwcr 
for her puniftment being adcQUate to her Crimea 
— Willoughby has told mc all her fchemes, and 
if ever 1 bear her name again, may I lofe. my 
peerage, and drefs like a'gentlcman. 

Errnui. My Lord — I've an idea. ■ 
" Fapid. Sir, I beg your pardon j but really if 
you have an idea, I will trouble you to fpare it 
me for my comedy. - ' ' '■ / 

Ennui. Infaft, I don't comprehend.-' I have 
readyourdic-all, cptloguCi aad(ir-— ■ 

Vafid. Oh 1 then 1 don't wonder at yow 
having id(Jas. . 

Lord. Oh ! poor Fellow I he's always talking 
abbtu what he never ha»— NeiliUe, my boy, 
inay ycu b«-as happyas 1 am.>' ^ 

Fhr. Ay, I'll anfwer for his happinefs byniy 
own— ^Mifs Courtney, hotwitbftahding my .bro- 
ther, ITwiir '* ftill live In 'ycur eye,.Tiie in your 
n lap-«-andbe buried In your heart 'i and more- 
" over I will fiay with you boih-in England. 

Loui/a. Yf s, Floriville, if you would behold 
pure, unfuHicd love, never travel out- of this 
(puntry. Pepcnd on't. 

No foreign Climei fncK big^ Ejmmjie* prorc. 
Of wedded Pleafure, or connubial Love. 
Long ID this Land have Jojrs dcnheltic grown, - 
Non'd inthC'Cottager-chCTifli'd'on the Throne! 



E P i L 6 G U E> 

^rilttm h M. P. JNDRS^S, E/ft 

JMd Sfcitm if L BWtS, 
In the Cha,K4CTIx of VAPID. 

SetMt. it dr^pti'. MM Urn. 

GADSO, I'm caught, Ae Wigs btve flnit me od^ 
But why t ftiy Part's to fcribble, MK to fpont. 
I could wme Epilognea ibr all who ^tnk 'em, ' 
But may my Play be iamn'i; if I can fyak 'em. 
•* Die all, die nobly"*— Aat'a Ae Plan my Bojra; 
Fun, Fire, and -pathoi. Metre, Mirth, and Noiffe : 
To make you die widi Laughter or the Hiccupa, 
Tickle your Favourites, or fmack your Tea-Cupi,' 
Va^d'a the Man^ -have at yon Great and Sn^, 
Here will I ftund, and dramatize you aH. 
Come foTthiny'Jave&n'[^J/j«j(f a i'ntn'/] ilrike th* sSomfli'd 

Say, Ihall I cat yOu np, or write yOu downf 
Nay, never tremble Gentt ;— or Jlink away^ 
"THs what Ae Anthori fdfier every day : 
Stop that thin Jemmy in the Thickfet Coat, 
Him with the Towel underneath his Throat ; 
If (b tied up, he pl^s — the mlPng Fool, 
I'll hang Um ap at once to tidkale i 




Perlupi 'twill ]ieliii,tQ kftj^ dte Lobby tfatU- . ~ 

And &ve it tvB Uf'iug^y fMlcttd Aiot. - - 

And you> my Uttlc Madun, b the Bowiet. 

Don't flinrii, 1^ ^iie 70a imm dapcM nffpn it t 

While thin fo fbrbelow'd a Sctccd you keep. 

Not one bdiini c^ gat » fiftglc ttef ; . • 

>SUood, when my Ptiy appean, what Work iher'c'n bc t 

What an Overflowing fiouf^ metfulia f lecl 

Here, Box-keeper, are thefe my Placet i No. 

Madam Van Bulk hu MbMdl *a* ftnr ! 

Then 111 go back — yon cant— yon caa, Ihe fibt, 

■eep itBwB ymrEInowt. or ^xM tncwmy RitM; 

Zwndi, how yon f y c B W ii' Qf what iay<n duiA one 

made u ? 
I» tldi,y(»T,Wift^ ^fl. it*i.lfcat4erc lodjr'a. 
HtCBthe Sidfi-BfWBf. what delight&il Aou! > '■ 

Peen, Poeb. Nabob*.. Jcwi*. and 'Pnatice Bonu^ 
Alderman Cramf^ * f/aab/ rich oU. Ci^ , . 
With hit yoBOg Bride. & lorin^y will fit j - 
While a ffff R^kc. who ioea tl^ happy Paiv. 
ABIififb wtndcrful-re)iiIveatoIbaEtf( . ; 
Kewhiipert, MadaM> yoa've i channtag Sgouft, 
^ neat in Umb. and then So fin0Qih4a.^SR)wi. 
Sir, I don't underftand you,-— Whac %. Dove i 
Nodiin^ fKf. Duck'*rl'il ^y.^nippU ny Glove. 
To-monow, at the Fruit Shop* will yov come i 
At Twelve o'Clock— L«rdt Sir. ho}v yon pcefuipe I 
Who't that Icrondgei ? Yon Ihan't IhMc my w&, 
I Outre her ! A good Jdce^ i^D. my liSt. : 
Leave him U> me ;. hofti dve yoa thw to treat mc f 
/ deg'l d« amy llinft ifjrm'll iat mttt mt. 
Me) meet a Man ! I Jhoa'd'nt have thought of yon i 
At Twdve indeed ! I eaa't gpt out liinW, 



Then aH the Tvaei ; whether pleai'd otsM, 
Tom towudt the &»ge, and mofe apon the Plot; 
To catch die ^tbor at fame That or Tbtrtftn, 
Andpnile or damn him inthoat why or wlierelixt. 
If fuch Frienii cherifii, or fnch Foci aflul. 
Who IcBOwi, even my Comedy may fail : 
Shoidd then my writingi prove bnt dme miQ>ent* 
Oi may I afiiopleafe, andl'mcontent. 


■eMlv-~ ^ 








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