5
VOL. II.
t Vo\.*. 3
COMPRISING
'e ales of
of &cogin. Sracfcfull of
of Bofcer.
Edited, with Introduction and Notes,
BY
W. CAREW HAZLITT,
OF THE INNER TEMPLE, BARRISTER-AT-LAW.
LONDON:
WILLIS & SOTHERAN, 136, STRAND.
MDCCCLXIV.
3-953
V/SB
INTRODUCTORY NOTICE.
THE object of the Editor has been to bring
together in the following pages, in a cheap
and accessible form, the principal collections
of Jests which appeared in this country during
the 1 6th and i/th centuries ; and the present
volume may be regarded as a companion to
the First Part, comprising A C. Mery Talys,
and Mery Tales & Quiche Answeres. The
reader who desires further notices of Skelton
and Tarlton, may be referred to the Rev.
A. Dyce's edition of the former, and to the
introduction prefixed by Mr. Halliwell to
Tarltons Jests & Newes out of Purgatory,
printed under his superintendence in 1844 for
vi Introductory Notice.
the Shakespeare Society. Besides considering
that such details were uncalled for on the
present occasion, the editor perceived no ad
vantage, and a certain want of fairness in the
reproduction of other men's labours, to which
he had nothing or next to nothing to add ;
and he has therefore contented himself with
furnishing such few notes and illustrations as
seemed necessary to elucidate the text.
Two curious illustrations of the former
popularity of fools and jesters in England
seem to be furnished by a passage in one of
the Paston Letters, under date of 1490, where
a vessel called " The Fool," is described as
having been met at sea, and by an entry in
Henslowe's Diary, 1591-1609 (under 1593),
shewing that there was a house, probably in
the neighbourhood of Henslowe's theatre,
which bore the sign of The Fooles Headl
1 Henslowe's Diary, by Collier, p. T. and note 2. See
also The Puritan ; or, the Widow of Watting Street, 1607,
Act I, Scene 3.
Introductory Notice. vii
In his Court and Character of K. James,
165 1,- Sir Anthony Weldon affords an edifying
insight into the astounding buffooneries to
which even gentlemen of family were not
ashamed to descend, in order to propitiate
their royal master.
It may perhaps be desirable to observe that
neither Skelton, nor Tarlton, nor Peele, nor
Hobson, had any concern whatever in the
authorship of the Jests or Tales which pass
under their name, and which were for the
most part the composition of hack-writers,
always at hand, then as now, to avail them
selves of the popularity of any name or of
any incident to replenish their pockets. To
whom the Editorship of the Merie Tales of
Skelton, and of Tarlton 's Jests ought to be
given, we have no means of telling ; the Jests
of Scogan, Scogin, or Scoggin, as the name is
variously spelled, purport to have been col
lected by Andrew Borde ; and the compiler,
or rather inventor, of the Pleasant Conceits
viii Introductory Notice.
of Old Hobson, was the same Richard John
son who, in the latter part of the reign of
Elizabeth, published that famous book, The
Seven Champions of Christendom. In the In
troduction to his Philosophers Satyrs, 1616,
Robert Anton seems to point, in the fol
lowing passage, at the hack-writers of his
time, who made money out of the eccen
tricities or irregularities of celebrated persons
by publishing their "jests" immediately after
their death, as well as at those who made in
a similar manner a commodity of their own
frailties or adventures. " How poore a gra
duate is learning," says he, "when it keeps
acts in tenebris, and murders the Presse with
fellonious pamphlets stolne fro the imper
fections of their dearest friends, nay, pur
loined fro their own scabbed dispositions &
ulcerous inclinations."
For the gross coarseness which more than
occasionally occurs in Scogiris Jests, it may be
pleaded as an apology, that they were col-
Introductory Notice. ix
lected for publication upwards of 300 years
ago, at a period of our literature and history,
when neither the employment of indelicate
expressions, nor the performance of indelicate
acts, was thought to be inconsistent, even in
the highest circles, with morality and virtue ;
and that moreover, when Borde prepared these
Jests for the press, they were already nothing
but a posthumous, and probably, as Holin-
shed intimates, an exaggerated record of the
exploits of a person who belonged to a Court
still less scrupulous in these respects than that
of Henry VIII. Certainly there is not very
great superiority of refinement in some of the
Jests attributed to Tarlton and Peele ; but
the fact is that the state of English manners
in the time of Elizabeth was not altered so
much for the better as might be expected ;
nor was it till a comparatively recent period
that any marked improvement took place.
Whether we are more moral now than our
forefathers were, is rather too trite a question
to dwell upon ; but at all events the plainness
x Introductory Notice.
of speech formerly in vogue has long ceased
to be tolerated, and we will even go so far as
to doubt whether many of Scogin's or Skel-
ton's mad pranks would not have shocked
severely the ear and taste of the early
Georgian era. After all, there is nothing in
our old jest-books which approaches in ob
scenity some of the matter contained in Les
Cent. Nouvelles Nouvelles, and other foreign
compilations of the kind.
Not only the early Puritanical Divines, but
preachers generally, from the reign of Henry
VIII. downward, delivered severe denun
ciations against jests and jesters, and indeed,
every kind of light literature was involved in
the censure. In his Balme from Gilead to
recover Conscience, a Sermon preached at Paul's
Crosse, Oct. 20, 1616, Samuel Ward of Ipswich
says : " As for the Players, and Jesters, and
Rimers, and all that rabblcmcnt, tell them
thou wilt one day be in earnest with them,
and though thou suffer them to persecute
Introductory Notice. xi
thee upon their stages, and shew their wit,
and break their jests on thee now, thou wilt
owe it them," &c.
However ardent in his search, or prodigal
of his money, the book-collector would find it
next to impossible to procure all the originals
of the pieces assembled together in this and
the companion volume.
MERIE TALES OF SKELTON.
Merie Tales Newly Imprinted <Sr> made by Master Skelton
Poet Laureat. *\ Imprinted at London in Fleetstreat beneath
the Conduit at the signe of S. John Euangelist, by Thomas
Colwell. \i2mo. n.d.]
Reprinted in Mr. Dyce's Skelton, 1843, 2 vols. Of these
tales there has, so far as is known, been only one edition. In
1566-7, Thomas Colwell paid fourpence for his licence to
print "a boke intituled sertin mery tayles of Skeltons," and
there can be little doubt that the tract appeared in the same
year. It was probably popular at the time, and it is some
what singular that there is no trace of its republication. The
bibliography of the fugitive literature of the xvth and xviith
centuries is however so imperfect, that it would not greatly
surprize us, if chance should hereafter bring to light some
other, and even perhaps some earlier, impressions of these
Merry Tales. For Skelton died in 1529, and it seems barely
likely that so many years would be suffered to elapse before a
collection of his reputed jests, made like the present for the
nonce, and often of questionable genuineness, was committed
to the press. The Tales have been reprinted exactly as they
stand in the old edition and in Mr. Dyce's edition of the
Poet's works. Perhaps in some respects a chronological
arrangement would have been preferable ; for it is evident
that the stories are strung together without any regard to
order of time, some referring to the early part of Skelton's
career, while others profess to relate incidents in his clerical
life at Diss in Norfolk, of which, as it is sufficiently well
known, he held the living.
Here begynneth certayne merye tales
of Skelton, Poet Lauriat.
^ How Skelten came late home to Oxford from
Abington. Tale i.
SKELTON was an Englysheman borne as Skogyn
was, and hee was educated & broughte vp in
Oxfoorde : and there was he made a poete lauriat.
And on a tyme he had ben at Abbington to make
mery, wher that he had eate salte meates, and hee
did com late home to Oxforde, and he did lye in
an ine named y e Tabere whyche is now the Angell,
and hee dyd drynke, & went to bed. About mid
night he was so thyrstie or drye that hee was con
strained to call to the tapster for drynke, & the
tapster harde him not. Then hee cryed to hys
oste & hys ostes, and to the ostler, for drinke ; and
no man wold here hym. Alacke, sayd Skelton, I
shall peryshe for lacke of drynke ! what reamedye 1
At the last he dyd crie out and sayd : Fyer, fyer,
B 2
4 Merie Tales of Skelton.
fyer ! when Skelton hard euery man bustle 1 hym-
selfe vpward, & some of them were naked, 2 &
some were halfe asleepe and amased, and Skelton
dyd crye : Fier, fier ! styll, that euerye man knewe
not whether to resorte. Skelton did go to bed,
and the oste and ostis, & the tapster with the
ostler, dyd runne to Skeltons chamber with candles
lyghted in theyr handes, saying : where, where,
where is the fyer? Here, here, here, said Skelton,
& poynted hys fynger to hys moouth, saying:
fetch me some drynke to quenche the fyer and
the heate and the drinesse in my mouthe : & so
they dyd. Wherfore it is good for euerye man to
helpe hys owne selfe in tyme of neede wythe some
policie or crafte, so bee it there bee no deceit nor
falshed vsed.
(i) Orig. reads bustled.
(2} This is an allusion to the old practice of sleeping without night-
linen, vrhich was not uncommon till a comparatively late period. Thence
came the phrase " to sleep in naked bed." Garments termed nightgowns,
indeed, were known in Shakespeare's time :
" Get on your nightgown, lest occasion call us,
And show us to be watchers." Macbeth.
And in Heywood's Woman Kir d with Kindness, 1607 :
" Mrs. A. A nightgown for my husband ; quickly there .'
It is some rheum or cold."
But the article of dress mentioned in these passages was, no doubt, a
dressing gown rather than the nightgown now in use. In A Merry
Jeste of a Shrewde and Curste Wyje lapped in Morelles Skin (circa
1550), the bride wears a smock, and the bridegroom a skirt:
" And they wrestled so long beforne,
That this they had for their greate meade :
Both shyrt and smock was all to torne."
Merie Tales of Skelton.
^ How Skelton drest the Kendallman in the sweat
time. Tale ii.
ON a time, Skelton rode from Oxforde to London
with a Kendalman, and at Uxbridge they beyted. 1
The Kendallman layd hys cap vpon the horde in
the hall, and he went to serue hys horse. Skelton
tooke y e Kendalmans cappe, and dyd put betwixte
the linyng & the vtter syde a dishe of butter and
when the Kendalman had drest hys horse, hee dyd
come in to diner, and dyd put on hys cappe (that
tyme the sweating sycknes was in all Englande). 2
At the last, when the butter had take heate of the
Kendallmans heade, it dyd begynne to run ouer
hys face and aboute hys cheekes. Skelton sayde :
Syr, you sweate soore ; beware y* you haue not the
sweatynge sycknesse. The Kendalman sayde : by
the mysse, Ise 3 wrang ; I bus 4 goe tyll bed.
Skelton sayd : I am skild on phisicke, & specially
in the sweatynge sycknesse ; that I wyll warant
any man. In gewd faith, saith the Kendallman,
(i) Put up at bait
(2} This may refer to the Sickness in 1485, i Hen. VII., which was
much severer than those of 1506, &c. See S tow's A nnales, edit. 1633, fol.
471, and a note by Mr. Halliwell in Letters of the Kings of England,
1848, i. 313.
(3) I am. ( 4 ) Must
6 Merie Tales of Skelton.
do see, and Ise bay for your skott 1 to London.
Then sayde Skelton : get you a kerchiefe, and I
wyll bryng you abed ; the whiche was donne.
Skelton caused the capp to bee sod in hoat lee, 2
& dryed it : in the mornyng Skelton and the Ken-
dalman dyd ride merely to London.
^ Howe Skelton tolde the man that Chryst was very
busye in the woodes with them that made fagots.
Tale iii.
WHEN Skelton did cum to London, ther were
manye men at the table at diner. Amongest all
other there was one sayde to Skelton : be you of
Oxforde or of Cambridge a scoler ? Skelton sayd :
I am of Oxford. Syr, sayde the man, I will put
you a question. You do know wel that after
Christ dyd rise from death to life, it was xl days
after ere he dyd ascend into heauen, and hee was
but certaine times wyth hys discyples ; and when
that he did appeare to them, hee dyd neuer tary
longe amongest them, but sodainely vanished from
them ; I wold fayne know (saith the man to Skel-
(1) I will pay for your charge.
(2) i.e. boiled in hot lye. Lye is a preparation consisting of water and
alkaline salt, used for washing purposes. It is sometimes pronounced as
if spelled lee.
Merie Tales of Skelton. 7
ton) where Chryste was all these xl dayes. Where
hee was, saythe Skelton, God knoweth; he was
verye busye in the woods among hys labourers,
that dyd make fagottes to burne heretickes, & such
as thou art, the whych doest aske suche diffuse
questions. But nowe I wyll tell thee more \ when
hee was not with hys mother & hys disciples, hee
was in Paradyce, to comforte the holye patriarches
and prophets soules, the which before he had fet 1
out of hell. And at the daye of hys ascencion,
hee tooke them all vp wyth him into heauen.
"f Howe the Welshman dyd desyre Skelton to ayde
hym in hys sute to the kynge for a patent to sell
drynke? The iiii Tale.
SKELTON, when he was in London, went to the
kynges courte, where there did come to hym a
Welshman, saying : Syr, it is so, that manye dooth
come vpp of my country to the kyngs court, and
some doth get of the kyng by patent a castell, and
some a parke, & some a forest, and some one fee,
(1) Fetched
(2) This is not the only jest directed against the monstrous system of
patents and monopolies, which flourished from the earliest times. In
tiieMery Tales and Quick Ans-weres,*. French king makes a broomseller's
fortune in this manner ; and in his Pleasant Conceits of Old Hobson,
1607, Johnson makes Queen Elizabeth grant him the monopoly of
lucifer-matches.
8 Merie Tales of Skelton.
and some another, and they dooe lyue lyke honest
men ; and I shoulde lyue as honestly as the best,
if I myght haue a patyne for good dryncke ; wher-
fore I dooe praye you to write a fewe woords for
mee in a lytle byll 1 to geue the same to the kynges
handes, and I wil geue you well for your laboure.
I am contented, sayde Skelton. Syt downe then,
sayde the Welshman, and write. What shall I
wryte ? sayde Skelton. The Welshman sayde :
wryte dryncke. Nowe, sayd the Welshman, wryte
more dryncke. What now 1 sayde Skelton. Wryte
nowe, a great deale of dryncke* Nowe, sayd the
Welshman, putte to all thys dryncke a littell crome
of breade, and a great deale of drynke to it, and
reade once agayne. Skelton dyd reade : dryncke
more dryncke, 6 a great deale of dryncke, and a
lytle crome of breade, and a great deale of dryncke to
it. Then the Welsheman sayde : put oute the litle
crome of breade, and sette in all dryncke, and no
(i) The paper on which a suit or petition to the Crown or to a great
personage was presented was generally so called. In his Edward IV.,
1600, Part I. (Shakesp. Soc. ed. p. 84), Heywood represents Jane Shore,
after her elevation, as looking on the bills of those who came to seek her
intercession with the king :
" Rufford. Mistress, I fear you have forgot my suit.
Jane. Oh ! 'tis for a licence to transport corn
From this land and lead to foreign realms.
I had your bill ; but I have torn your bill ;
And 'twere no shame, I think, to tear your ears."
Edward IV. Part I. Act V. Sc. IV.
Merie Tales of Skelton. 9
breade: and if I myght haue thys sygned of the
kynge, sayde the Welsheman, I care for no more,
as longe as I dooe lyue. Well then, sayde Skelton,
when you haue thys signed of the kyng, then wyll
I labour for a patent to haue bread, that you wyth
your drynke, and I with the bread, may fare well,
and seeke our liuinge with bagge and staffe.
^ Of Swanborne the knaue, that was buried vnder
Saint Peters wall in Oxford. Tale v.
THERE was dwelling in Oxford a stark knaue,
whose name was Swanborn ; and he was such a
notable knaue that, if any scoler had fallen, out
th'one wyth th'other, the one woulde call th'other
Swanborn, the whyche they dyd take for a worser
woorde then knaue. Hys wyfe woulde diuers
tymes in the weeke kimbe 1 his head with a iii
footed stoole ; then hee woulde runne out of the
doores wepinge, and if anye man had asked hym
what he dyd aile, other whyle he woulde saye hee
had the megrym in hys head, or ells, there was a
great smoke wythin the house : & if the doores
were shut, hys wyfe woulde beate him vnder the
bed, or into the bench hole, and then he woulde
looke out at the cat hole ; then woulde his wife
(i) Comb. This is still in use as a familiar colloquialism.
10 Merie Tales of Skelton.
saye : lookest thou out, whoreson 1 Yea, woulde
he saye, thou shalt neuer let me of my manly
lookes. Then with her distaff she would poore in
at hym. I knewe him when that he was a boye in
Oxforde ; hee was a littell olde fellowe, and woulde
lye as fast as a horse woulde trotte. At last hee
dyed, and was buried vnder the wall of S. Peters
church. Then Skelton was desyred to make an
epitaphe vppon the churche wall, & dyd wryte
wyth a role, saying
Belsabub his soule saue,
Qui iacet hie hee a knaue ;
Jam scio mortmis est,
Et iacet hie hee a beast :
Sepultus est amonge the weedes ;
God forgiue him his misdeedes ! 1
T Howe Skelton was complayned on to the bishop of
Norwich? Tale vi.
SKELTON dyd keepe a musket 3 at Dys, vpon the
which he was complayned on to the bishop of
(1) In the original and in Dyce this is printed as prose.
(2) This story is told with a slight variation in A C. Mery Talys,
where it is the fortieth of the Series. Of the scandalous lives of the
clergy in Skelton's time this is no place to speak. Latimer, in his Fourth
Sermon ^^pon the Lord 's prater (Sermons, edit. 1635, fol. 148) urges the
Priests "to goe to their Bookes, not to spend their times so shamefully
in hauking, hunting, and keeping of ale-houses," and in the Ship of
Fools, edit. 1570, fol. 2, we find:
' ' For if one can flatter, and beare a Hauke on his fist,
He shalbe made Parson of Honington or Clist."
(3) The signification required by the context is, no doubt, the true one
Merie Tales of Skelton. 1 1
Norwych. The byshoppe sent for Skelton.
Skelton dyd take two capons, to geue theym for
a presente to the byshop. And as soone as hee
had saluted the byshopp, hee sayde : my lorde,
here I haue brought you a couple of capons.
The byshop was blynde, and sayde : who bee
you? I am Skelton, sayd Skelton. The byshop
sayd : a hoare head 1 I will none of thy capons :
thou keepest vnhappye rule in thy house, for the
whyche thou shalt be punished. What, sayde
Skelton, is the winde at that doore? 1 and sayd:
God be with you, my lorde ! and Skelton with his
capons went hys way. The byshop sent after
Skelton to come agayne. Skelton sayde : what !
shal I come agayne to speake wythe a madde man?
At last hee retourned to the byshop, whyche sayde
to hym : I would, sayd the byshop, that you shoulde
not lyue suche a sclaunderouse lyfe, that all your
parisshe shoulde not wonder & complaine on you
as they dooe ; I pray you amende, and hereafter
lyue honestlye, that I heare no more suche woordes
of you ; and if you wyll tarye dynner, you shall be
welcome ; and I thanke you, sayde the byshoppe,
here. The French use the word mousque to denote a rascal (either in a
playful or opprobrious sense), and mousquette, or musket, may be an
obsolete phrase of the same origin, meaning a loose woman. I do not
remember to have seen the word elsewhere. See the next tale,
(i) Similar to the modern saying Is that the way the wind blows ?
1 2 Merie Tales of Skelton.
for your capons. Skelton sayde : my lord, my
capons haue proper names; the one is named
Alpha, the other is named Omega j my lorde, sayd
Skelton, this capon is named Alpha, thys is the
fyrst capon that I dyd euer geue to you ; and this
capon is named Omega, and this is the last capon
that euer I wil giue you ; & so fare you well, sayd
Skelton.
^ Howe Skeltony when hee came from the bishop,
made a sermon. Tale vii.
SKELTON, the nexte Sondaye after, wente into the
pulpet to prech, and sayde : Vos estis, vos estis,
that is to saye, You be, you be. And what be you 1
sayd Skelton. I saye, that you bee a sort of knaues,
yea, and a man might saye worse then knaues ;
and why, I shall shew you. You haue complayned
of mee to the bysop that I doo keepe a fayre
wench in my house : I dooe tell you, if you had
any fayre wiues, it were some what to helpe me at
neede ; I am a man as you be : you haue foule
wyues, and I haue a faire wenche, of the whyche I
haue begotten a fayre boye, as I doe thinke, and as
you all shall see. Thou wyfe, sayde Skelton, that
hast my childe, be not afraid ; bring me hither my
childe to me ; the whyche was doone. And he,
Merie Tales of Skelton. 1 3
shewynge his childe naked to all the parishe, sayde :
how saye you, neibours all ; is not this child as
fayre as is the beste of all yours 1 It hathe nose,
eyes, handes, and feete, as well as any of your : it
is not lyke a pygge, nor a calfe, nor like no foule
nor no monstruous beast. If I had, sayde Skelton,
broughte forthe thys chylde without armes or legges,
or that it wer deformed, being a monstruous thyng,
I woulde neuer haue blamed you to haue com-
playned to the bishop of me ; but to complain
without a cause, I say, as I said before in my
antethem, vos estis, you be, and haue be, & wyll
and shall be, knaues, to complayne of me wythout
a cause resonable. For you be presumptuous, &
dooe exalte yourselues, and therefore you shall be
made low : as I shall shewe you a famyller example
of a parish priest, the whiche dyd make a sermon
in Rome. And he dyd take that for hys antethem,
the which of late dayes is named a theme, and
sayde : Qui se exaltat humiliabitur, et qui se
humiliat exaltdbitur, that is to say, he that doth
exalte himselfe or dothe extoll hymselfe shalbe
made meke, & he that doth humble hymselfe or is
meke, shal be exalted, extoulled, or eleuated, or
sublimated or such lyke : and that I will shewe you
by this my cap. This cappe was fyrste my hoode,
when that I was studente in Jucalico, & then it was
14 Merie Tales of Skelton.
so proude that it woulde not bee contented, but it
woulde slippe and fall from my shoulders. I per-
ceyuynge thys that he was proude, what then dyd
I? shortly to conclude, I dyd make of hym a payre
of breches to my hose, to brynge hym lowe. And
when that I dyd see, knowe, or perceyue that he
was in that case, and allmoste worne cleane oute,
what dyd I then to extoll hym vppe agayne ? you
all may see that this my cap was made of it that
was my breches. Therefore, sayde Skelton, vos
estis, therfore you bee, as I dyd saye before ; if that
you exalte yourselfe, and cannot be contented that
I haue my wenche still, some of you shall weare
homes : and therefore vos estis : and so farewell.
It is merye in the hall,
When beardes wagge all.
T How the fryer asked leaue of Skelton, to preach at
Dys, which Skelton wold not grant. Tale viii.
THERE was a fryer y e whych dydde come to
Skelton to haue licence to preach at Dys. What
woulde you preache there 1 sayde Skelton : dooe
not you thynke that I am sufficiente to preache
there in myne owne cure 1 Syr, sayde the freere, I
am the limyter of Norwych, and once a yeare one
of our place dothe vse to preache wyth you, to take
the deuocion of the people ; and if I may haue
Merie Tales of Skelton. 1 5
your good wil, so bee it ; or els I will come and
preach against your will, by the authentic of the
byshope of Rome : for I haue hys bulles to preache
in euerye place, and therfore I wyll be there on
Sondaye next cummyng. Come not there, freere, I
dooe counsell thee, sayd Skelton. The Sundaye
nexte followynge, Skelton layde watch for the com-
ynge of the frere : and as sone as Skelton had
knowledge of the freere, he went into the pulpet to
preache. At last the freere dyd come into the
churche with the bishoppe of Romes bulles in hys
hande. Skelton then sayd to all hys parishe ; see,
see, see ! and poynted to the * fryere. All the
parish gased on the frere. Then sayde Skelton :
maisters, here is as wonderfull a thynge as euer was
scene. You all dooe knowe that it is a thynge
daylye scene, a bulle dothe begette a calfe; but
here, contrarye to all nature, a calfe hathe gotten a
bulle : for thys fryere, beeynge a calfe, hath gotten
a bulle of the byshoppe of Rome. The fryere,
beynge ashamed, woulde neuer after that time pre
sume to preach at Dys.
(i) Orig. reads thee.
1 6 Merie Tales of Skelton.
T How Skelton handled the fryer that woulde needes
lye with him in his inne. Tale ix.
As Skelton ryd into y e countre, there was a frere
that hapened [to come] in at an alehouse wheras
Skelton was lodged, and there the frere dyd desire
to haue lodgyng. The alewife sayd : Syr, I haue
but one bed, whereat master Skelton doth lye. Syr,
sayd the frere, I pray you that I maye lye with you.
Skelton said : master freere, I doo vse to haue no
man to lye with me. Sir, sayd the frere, I haue
lyne with as good men as you, and for my money I
doo looke to haue lodgynge as well as you. Well,
sayde Skelton, I dooe see than that you wyll lye
with me. Yea, syr, sayd the frere. Skelton did fill
all the cuppes in the house, and whitled J the frere,
that at the last, the frere was in myne eames
peason. 2 Then say^e Skelton : mayster freere, get
you tobed, and I wyll come to bed within a while.
The frere went, and did lye vpright, and snorted
lyke a sowe. Skelton wente to the chaumber, and
dyd see that the freere did lye soe ; [he] sayd to the
(1) Inebriated.
(2) I do not know what is the origin of this expression ; but its meaning
is obvious. Eame is often used for Uncle in old writers. The Rev.
A. Dyce has suggested to me that the French have the expression "etre
dans les vignes," signifying " to be drunk."
Merie Tales of Skelton. 17
wyfe : geue me a washyng betle. Skelton then
caste downe the clothes, and the freere dyd lye
starke naked : then Skelton dyd ***** vpon the
freeres nauil and bellye ; and then he did take
the washyng betle, and dyd strike an harde
stroke vppon the nauill & bellye of the freere,
and dyd put out the candell, and went out of the
chaumber. The freere felt hys bellye, & smelt a
foule sauour, had thought hee had ben gored, and
cried out and sayde : helpe, helpe, helpe, I am
kylled ! They of the house with Skelton wente
into the chaumber, and asked what the freere dyd
ayle. The freere sayde : I am kylled, one hathe
thrust me in the bellye. Fo ! sayde Skelton, thou
dronken soule, thou doost lie ; thou hast *****
thyselfe ; fo ! sayde Skelton, let vs goe oute of the
chaumber, for the knaue doothe stynke. The
freere was ashamed, and cryed for water. Out
with the whoreson ! sayd Skelton, and wrap the
sheetes togyther, and putte the freere in the hogge
stye, or in the barne. The freere said : geue me
some water into the barne : and there the freere
dyd wasshe himselfe, and dydde lye there all the
nyght longe. The chaumber and the bedde was
dressed, and the sheetes shyfted ; and then Skelton
went to bed.
2.
1 8 Merie Tales of Skelton.
^ Howe the cardynall desyred Skelton to make an
epitaphe vpon his grane. Tale x.
THOMAS WOLSEY, cardynall and archbyshop of
Yorke, had made a regall tombe to lye in, after hee
was deade : and he desyred Master Skelton to
make for his tombe an epytaphe, whyche is a
memoriall to shewe the lyfe with the actes of a
noble man, Skelton sayde : if it dooe lyke your
grace, I canne not make an epytaphe, vnlesse that
I do se your tombe. The cardynall sayde : I dooe
praye you to meete wyth mee to morowe at the
West Monesterye, and there shall you se my tombe
a makynge. The pointment [was] kept, and Skel
ton, seyng the sumptuous coste, more pertaynyng
for an emperoure or a maxymyous kynge, then for
suche a man as he was (although cardynals wyll
compare wyth kyngs) : well, sayd Skelton, if it shall
like your grace to creepe into thys tombe whiles
you be alyue, I can make an epitaphe ; for I am
sure that when that you be dead you shall neuer
haue it. The whyche was verifyed of truthe.
Merie Tales of Skelton. 19
*K Howe the hostler dyd byte Skeltons mare vnder the
tale, for biting him by the arme. Tale xi.
SKELTON vsed muche to ryde on a mare ; and on
a tyme hee happened [to come] into an inne, wher
there was a folish ostler. Skelton said : ostler,
hast thou any mares bread 1 No, syr, sayd the
ostler, I haue good horse bread, but I haue no
mares bread. Skelton saide : I must haue mares
bread. Syr, sayde the ostler, there is no mares
bred to get in all the towne. Well, sayd Skelton,
for this once serue my mare wyth horse bread. In
the meane time, Skelton commaunded the ostler
to sadle his mare ; & the hosteler dyd gyrde
the mare hard, and the hostler was in hys ierkyn,
and hys shirte sleues wer aboue his elbowes, and
in the girding of the mare hard the mare bitte the
hostler by the arme, and bitte him sore. The
hostler was angry, and dyd bite the mare vnder the
tayle, saying : aw****, is it good byting by the
bare arme ! Skelton sayde then : why, fellowe,
haste thou hurt my mare ? Yea, sayde the hostler,
ka me, ka thee : * yf she dooe hurte me, I wyll dis
please her.
(i) The most probable meaning of this proverbial expression is, claw
me, and F II claw thee, See Nares, voce ka me, and voce claw.
C 2
2o Merie Tales of Skelton.
IT Howe the cobler tolde maister Skelton, it is good
sleeping in a whole skinne. Tale xii.
IN the parysshe of Dys, 1 whereas Skelton was
person, there dwelled a cobler, beyng halfe a
souter, which was a tall man and a greate slouen,
otherwyse named a slouche. The kynges maiestye
hauynge warres byyonde the sea, Skelton sayd to
thys aforsayd doughtie man : neybour, you be a
tall man, and in the kynges warres you must bere a
standard, A standerd, said the cobler, what a thing
is that ? Skelton saide, It is a great banner, such
a one as thou dooest vse to beare in Rogacyon
weeke ; and a lordes, or a knyghtes, or a gentle-
mannes armes shall bee vpon it \ and the souldiers
that be vnder the aforesayde persons [shall bee]
fayghtynge vnder thy banner. Fayghtynge ! sayde
the cobbeler, I can no skil in faighting. No, said
Skelton, thou shalte not fayght, but holde vp, and
aduaunce the banner. By my fay, sayd the cobler, I
can no skill in the matter. Well, sayd Skelton,
(i) This form of where or ivhereat is often found in old books. Thus
Thynne, in his Debate Betweene Pride and Lowlines, n. d. (Shakesp.
Soc. repr. p. 35) says :
"The woman and the wench were clad in russet,
Both course and olde, and worne so very neere,
That ye might see clene through both sleeve and gusset
The naked skinne, whereas it dyd appear."
But about the same time it was used also in its present signification. See
Nash's Pierce Penniles, 1592, p. 27 (Shakesp. Soc. ed.).
Merie Tales of Skelton. 2 1
there is no reamedie but thou shalte forthe to dooe
the kynges seruice in hys warres : for in all this
countrey theare is not a more likelier manne to
dooe such a feate as thou arte. Syr, sayde the
cobbeler, I wyll geue you a fatte capon, that I
maye bee at home. No, sayde Skelton, I wyll not
haue none of thy capons : for thou shalte doe the
kyng seruice in his wars. Why, sayd the cobler,
what shuld I doo 1 wyll you haue me to goe in the
kynges warres, and to bee killed for my labour 1
then I shall be well at ease, for I shall haue my
mendes in my nown handes. What, knaue, sayd
Skelton, art thou a cowarde, hauyng so great
bones 1 No, sayde the cobler, I am not afearde ;
it is good to slepe in a whole skinne. Why, said
Skelton, thou shalte bee harnessed to keepe away
the strokes from thy skynne. By my fay, sayde the
cobler, if I must needes forthe, I will see howe
yche shall bee ordered. Skelton dyd harnesse the
doughtye squirell, and dyd put an helmet on his
head ; and when the helmet was on the coblers
heade, the cobler sayde : what shall those hoales
serue for 1 Skelton sayd : holes to looke out to
see thy enemyes. Yea, sayde the cobler, then am
I in worser case than euer I was : for then one
may come and thrust a nayle into one of the holes,
and prycke out myne eye ; therfore, sayd the cobler
22 Merie Tales of Skelton.
to Master Skelton, I wyll not goe to warre ; my
wyfe shall goe in my steade, for she can fyghte and
playe the deuell wyth her distaffe, and with stole,
staffe, cuppe, or candlestycke, for, by my fay, I
cham sicke ; I chill go home to bed ; I thinke I
shall dye.
^ How Master Skeltons miller deceyued hym manye
times by playinge the theefe, and how he was
pardoned by Master Skelton, after the stealinge
awaye of a preest oute of his bed at midnight.
Tale xiii.
WHEN Maister Skelton dyd dwell in the coun-
trey, hee was agreede with a miller to haue hys
corne grounde tolle free ; and manye tymes when
hys mayden[s] shoulde bake, they wanted of their
mele, and complained to their mystres that they
could not make their stint of breade. Mystres
Skelton, beeynge verye angrye, tolde her husbande
of it. Then Master Skelton sent for his miller,
and asked hym howe it chansed that hee deceyued
hym of his corne. I ! saide John [the] miller j 1
(i) Jack the miller, or Jack Miller, appears to have been used at a
very early period as a familiar phrase. All millers were Jacks, it seems,
even in the time of Richard II. and from the earliest period, rogues ex
officio,
" A miller dustypoll than dyde come,
A Joly felowe with a golden thome.
Merie Tales of Skclton. 23
nay, surely I neuer deceyued you ; if that you can
proue that by mee, do with mee as you lyste.
Surely, sayd Skelton, if I dee fynde thee false anye
more, thou shalt be hanged up by the necke. So
Skelton apoynted one of hys seruauntes to stand
at the mill, whyle the corne was a grindyng. John
myller, beyng a notable theefe, would feyn haue
deceued him as he had don before ; but, beyng
afrayd of Skeltons seruaunte, caused his wyfe to put
one of her chyldren into y e myll dam, and to crye :
help, help, my childe is drowned ! With that,
John myller and all went out of the myll, &
On his necke a sacke was,
Many sayd that he with reprefe
Of all craftes was next a thefe."
Cock Lorelles Bate (Percy Soc. ed. p. 3).
The old English writers are almost unanimous in their testimony on this
point. Gascoigne alludes to it in his Steel Glas (1576), 4, Sign. H 3,
verso; and see Taylor's Works, 1630, ii. 119, for a good story of a
roguish miller. Brown speaks of Tom the Miller :
" As Ballad-mongers on a Market-day,
Taking their stand, one (with as harsh a noyse
As ever Cart-wheele made) squeakes the sad choice
Of To m the Miller with a golden thumbe. "
Britannia's Pastorals, 1613, lib. 2, p. 15 (ed. 1625].
But he quite confirms the account of Chaucer, Gascoigne, and others, as
to the knavery of persons of this calling :
" Truth, quoth the Miller, plainly for our parts,
I and the Weaver hate thee with our hearts :
The strifes you raise I will not now discusse,
Betweene our honest customers and us."
Ibid. lib. i (ed. 1625, p. 101).
24 Merie Tales of Skelton.
Skeltons seruaimte, being dilygent to helpe the
chylde, thought not of the meale ; and the while
the myllers boye was redy wyth a sacke, and stole
away the corne. So, when they had taken vp the
ehilde, and all was safe, they came in agayne ; &
so the seruaunt, hauynge hys gryste, went home
mistrustyng nothynge ; and when the maydes came
to bake againe, as they dyd before, so they lacked
of theyr meale agayne. Master Skelton calde for
hys man, and asked him howe it chaunced that he
was deceaued ; & hee sayd that hee coulde not
tell : for I dyd your commaun dement. And then
Master Skelton sent for the myller, and sayde :
thou hast not vsed mee well, for I want of my mele.
Why, what wold you haue me do ? sayde the
miller; you haue set your own man to watche mee.
Well, then, sayd Skelton, if thou doest not tell me
whych waye thou hast played the theefe wyth mee,
thou shalt be hanged. I praye you be good master
vnto me, & I wyll tell you the trutthe : your ser
uaunt wold not from my myll, & when I sawe none
other remedye, I caused my wyfe to put one of my
chyldren into the water, & to crie that it was
drowned ; and whiles wee were helpyng of the
chylde out, one of my boyes dyd steale your corne.
Yea, sayde Skelton, if thou haue such pretie fetchis,
you can dooe more then thys ; and therfore, if
Mcrie Tales of Skelton. 25
thou dooeste not one thynge that I shall tell thee,
I wyll folow the lawe on thee. What is that 1 sayd
the myller. If that thou dooest not steale my
cuppe of the table, when I am sette at meate, thou
shalt not eskape my handes. O good master, sayd
John miller, I pray you forgeue me, and let me
not dooe thys ; I am not able to dooe it. Thou
shalt neuer be forgeuen, sayde Skelton, withoute
thou dooest it. When the miller saw no remedye,
he wente & charged one of hys boyes, in an euen-
yng (when that Skelton was at supper) to sette fyre
in one of hys hogges sties, farre from any house
for doyng any harme ; and it chaunced, that one
of Skeltons seruauntes came oute, and spied the
fire, and hee cryede : helpe, helpe ! for all that
my master hath is lyke to be burnt. Hys master,
hearing this, rose from hys supper with all the com-
panie, and went to quenche the fyre ; and the
while John miller came in, and stole away hys
cuppe, & went hys way. The fire being quickly
slaked, Skelton cam in with his frendes, and
reasoned wyth hys frendes which way they thought
the fyre shoulde come ; and euerye man made
answer as thei thought good ; and as they wer
resonyng, Skelton called for a cup of beare ; and
in no wise his cuppe, whyche hee vsed to drynke
in, woulde not be founde. Skelton was verye angrie
26 Merie Tales of Skelton.
that his cup was mysynge, and asked whiche waye
it shoulde bee gone ; and no manne coulde tell
hym of it. At last he bethought him of the miller,
& sayd : surely, he, that theefe, hath done this
deede, and he is worthye to be hanged. And hee
sent for the miller : so the miller tolde hym all
howe hee had done. Truely, sayd Skelton, thou
art a notable knaue ; and withoute thou canste do
me one other feate, thou shake dye. O good
master, sayde the miller, you promised to pardon
me, and wil you now breake your promise *? I !
sayd Skelton ; wythout thou canste steale the
sheetes of my bed, when my wyfe and I am aslepe,
thou shalte be hanged, that all suche knaues shall
take ensample by thee. Alas, sayd the miller,
whych waye shall I dooe this thinge 1 it is vn-
possible for me to get theym while you bee there.
Well, sayde Skelton, withoute thou dooe it, thou
knowest the daunger. The rnyller went hys way,
beyng very heauy, & studyed whiche waye he
myght doo thys deede. He hauynge a little boye,
whyche knewe all the corners of Skeltons house &
where hee lay, vpon a night when they were all
busie, the boie crepte in vnder his bed, wyth a
potte of yeste ; and when Skelton & hys wyfe were
fast aslepe, hee all noynted 1 the sheetes with yeste,
(i) Orig-. reads all to noynted.
Merie Tales of Skelton. 27
as farre as hee coulde reache. At last Skelton
awaked, & felt the sheetes all wete ; [and] waked
his wife, and sayd : what, hast thou * * * * * the
bed ? and she sayd : naye, it is you that haue doone
it, I thynke : for I am sure it is not I. And so
theare fel a great strife betweene Skelton and his
wyfe, thinkyng that the bed had ben * * * * * ; and
[they] called for the mayde to geue them a cleane
payre of shetes. And so they arose, & the mayde
tooke the foule sheetes and threw them vnderneath
the bed, thinkynge the nexte morning to haue
fetched them away. The next time the maydes
shuld goe to washynge, they looked all about, and
coulde not fynde the sheetes ; for Jacke the myllers
boy had stollen them awaye. Then the myller was
sent for agayne, to knowe where the sheetes were
become : & the myller tolde Mayster Skelton all
how he deuised to steale the sheetes. Howe say
ye, sayde Skelton to hys frendes ; is not this a
notable theef ; is he not worthy to be hanged that
canne dooe these deedes ? O good maister, quoth
the miller, nowe forgeue mee accordynge to youre
promyse ; for I haue done all that you haue com-
maunded mee, and I trust now you wyll pardon
me. Naye, quoth Skelton, thou shalt doo yet one
other feate, and that shall bee thys : thou shalte
steale maister person out of hys bed at midnight,
28 Merie Tales of Skelton.
that he shall not know where he is become. The
miller made great mone, and lamented, saying :
I can not tel in the world howe I shall dooe, for I
am neuer able to dooe this feate. Well, sayde
Skelton, thou shalt dooe it, or els thou shalt fynde
no fauour at my hands ; and therfore go thy way.
The miller, beynge sorye, deuysed with himselfe
which way he might bryng this thing to passe ;
and ii or iii nyghtes after, [he] gathered a number
of snailes, & greed with the sexten of the churche
to haue the key of the churche dore, and went
into the churche betwene the houres of a xi and
xii in the night, & tooke the snayles, and lyghted a
sorte, 1 of little waxe candles, & set vppon euerie
snayle one, & the snayles crepte about the churche
wyth the same candles vpon their backes ; and
then he went into the vestrey, and put a cope
vppon hys backe, & stoode very solemnely at the
hye alter with a booke in hys hand and afterwarde
tolled the bell, that the preeste lyinge in the
churche yard might heare hym. The preest, hear-
yng the bell tolle, starte oute of his slepe, and
looked out of hys windowe, and, seeing 2 suche a
lyght in the church, was very muche amased, and
thought surely that the churche had ben on fire,
and wente for to see what wonder it shoulde be.
(i) Assortment, number. (2) Old Edit, reads sawe.
Merie Tales of Skelton. 29
And when he came there, he founde the church
dore open, and went vp into the quier ; and sawe 1
the miller standyng in hys vestementes, and a
booke in hys hand, praying deuoutly, & all the
lyghtes in the church, thought surely with hymselfe
it was some angeil come downe from heauen, or
some other great miracle, blessed hymselfe and
sayde : in the name of the Father, the Sonne, and
the Holy Ghoste, what arte thou that standest here
in thys hollye place ? O, sayde the myller, I am
saynt Peter, whych kepe the keyes of heauen gate,
and thou knowest that none can enter into heauen
excepte I let hym in ; and I am sent oute from
heauen for thee. For mee ! quoth the preest ;
good saynt Peter, worship[t] maye thou be : I am
glad to heare that newes. Because thou hast done
good deedes, sayd the myller, and serued God, hee
hath sent for thee, afore domes day come, that
thou shalt not knowe the troubles of y e worlde.
O blessed be God ! sayde the preest ; I am very
well contented for to goe : yet if it woulde please
God to let me go home and distrybute such things
as I haue to the poore, I woulde bee verye glad.
No ! sayde the miller ; if thou dooest delite more
in thy goodes then in the joyes of heauen, thou art
not for God ; therefore prepare thyselfe, and goe
(i) Old Edit, reads see.
30 Merie Tales of Skelton.
into this bagge which I have brought for thee.
The miller hauyng a great quarter sacke, the poore
priest wente into it, thynkyng verylye hee had gon
to heauen : yet was very sory to parte from his
goodes; [and he] asked saynt Peter how long it
wold be ere he came there. The miller sayd he
should be there quickly; and in he got the priest,
and tied vp the sacke, and put out the lightes, &
layed euery thynge in their place, and tooke the
preest on his backe, & locked the church dores, &
to go : and when he came to go ouer the church
stile, the preest was verye heauye, and the miller
caste hym ouer the stile that the priest cryed oh.
good seint Peter, sayde the preeste, whyther goe
1 nowe 1 O, sayde the myller, these bee the panges
that ye must abyde, before you come to heauen.
O, quoth the preest, I would I were there once !
Vp he got the priest agayn, & caried hym, tyll hee
came to the toppe of an hye hyll, a litle from hys
house, and caste hym downe the hyll, that hys
head had many shrewde rappes, [and] that hys
necke was almost burst. O good saynt Peter, said
the priest, where am I nowe 3 You are almost
nowe at heauen : & caried hym with much a-doo,
tyll hee came to hys owne house, and then the
miller threwe him ouer the thresholde. O good
saynte Peter, sayde the preeste, where am I nowe ?
Merie Talcs of Skelton. 3 1
thys is the soreste pange that euer I hadde. 1 O,
sayde the myller, geue God thankes that thou haste
had pacience to abide all thys payne : for nowe
thou arte goyng vppe into heauen ; and tyed a rope
aboute the sacke, and drewe hym vppe to the
toppe of the chymnye, and there let him hange.
O good S. Peter, tell me nowe where I am, sayde
the preest. Marye, sayd he, thou art now in the
tope of John millers chimney. A vengeaunce on
thee, knaue ! sayde the preeste : hast thou made
me beleue al this while that I was goyng vp into
heauen 1 well, nowe I am here, an 2 ever I come
downe again, I wil make thee to repent it. But
John myller was gladd that he had brought hym
there ; and in the mornyng the sexten rang all in
to seruise ; & when the people were come to
churche, the preest was lackynge. The parish
asked the sexten wher the preest was ; and the
sexten sayd : I can not tell. Then the parrishe
sent to master Skelton, and tolde howe their prieste
was lacking to saye them seruice. Mayster Skelton
meruayled at that, and bethought hym of the crafty
dooyng of the miller, [and] sent for John myller ;
and when the miller was come, Skelton sayd to the
myller : canst thou tell wher the parish preest
is ^ The miller vp and told him all togither how
(i) Orig. reads bidde. (2} Orig. has dr.
32 Merie Tales of Skelton.
he had doone. Maister Skelton, considering the
matter, sayde to the miller : why, thou vnreuerent
knaue, hast thou hanled the poore preest on this
fashion, and putte on the holy ornaments vpon a
knaues backe ! thou shalte be hanged, an 1 it coste
me all the good I haue ! John miller fell vppon
his knees, and desyred maister Skelton to pardon
hym : for I dyd nothynge, sayd the miller, but that
you sayd you woulde forgeue me. Nay, not so,
sayd Skelton ; but if thou canst steale my gelding
out of my stable, my two men watching him, I
will pardon thee ; and if they take thee, they shall
strike of thy heade : for Skelton thoughte it better
that such a false knaue shoulde lose hys head then
to Hue. Then John miller was very sad, & be
thought him how to bring it to passe. Then he
remembred that ther was a man left hangyng vppon
the galowes the day before, [and] went preuely in
the nyght and tooke him downe, and cut of his
head, and put it vpon a pole, & brake a hole into
the stable, and put in a candle lighted, thrustyng
in the head a lytle & a lytle. The men watching
the stable, seynge that, got them selues neare to
the hole (thinkinge that it was his head), & one of
them wyth hys sworde cutte it of. Then they for
gladnesse presented it vnto theyr master, leauynge
(i) Orig. reads &.
Merie Tales of Skelton. 33
the stable doore open. Then John miller went in,
and stole away the gelding. Master Skelton, look-
yng vppon the head, sawe it was the theues head
that was left hangyng vpon the galowes, and sayd :
alas, how ofte hath this false knaue deceiued vs !
go quickly to the stable agayne, for I thinke my
geldyng is gone. Hys men, goyng backe agayn,
found it euen so. Then they came agayn, and
told, their maister hys horse was gone. Ah, I
thought so, you doltish, knaues ! said Skelton j but
if I had sent wise men about it, it had not ben so.
Then Skelton sent for the miller, and asked hym,
if hee coulde tell where hys horse was. Safe
ynough, maister, sayde the miller: for hee tolde
Skelton all the matter how hee had done. Well
Skelton, 1 consyderyng hys tale, sayd, that he was
worthie to be hanged : for thou doost excell all the
theeues that euer I knew or heard of; but for my
promise sake I forgeue thee, vpon condition thou
wilte become an honest man, & leaue all thy crafte
& false dealyng. And thus John miller skaped
vnpunished.
(i) Orig. has sayd Skelton, consyderyng his tale, sayd.
2.
34 Merie Tales of Skelton.
^ How Skelton was in prison at the commaundement
of the cardinall. [Tale xiv.]
ON a tyme, Skelton did meete with a certain
frende 1 of hys at Charyng crosse, after that hee
was in prison at my lord cardynals commaunde
ment ; & his frende sayd : I am glad you bee
abrode amonge your frendes, for you haue ben
long pent in. Skelton sayd : by the masse ! I am
glad I am out indeede, for I haue ben pent in,
like a roche or fissh, at Westminster in prison.
The cardinal, hearing of those words, sent for him
agayne. Skelton kneling of hys knees before hym,
after long communication to Skelton had, Skelton
desyred the cardinall to graunte hym a boun.
Thou shalt haue none, sayd the cardynall. Th' as-
sistence 2 desirid that he might haue it graunted :
for they thought it should be some merye pastime
that he wyll shewe your grace. 3 Say on, thou hore
head, sayd the cardynall to Skelton. I pray your
grace to let me lye doune and wallow, for I can
kneele no longer.
(1) Orig. has certain frendes.
(2) The attendants, i.e. ceux qui assistaient.
(3) This sentence is badly constructed, but I have left it as it stands
in Old Ed. It is quite in the early English style.
Merie Tales of Skelton, 35
^ Howe the vinteners wife put water into Skeltons
wine. xv.
SKELTON did loue wel a cup of good wyne. And
on a daye he dyd make merye in a tauerne in
London : and the morow after hee sent to the
same place againe for a quart of y e same wine he
drunke of before ; the whiche was clene chaunged
& brued again. Skelton perceiuing this, he went
to the tauerne, & dyd sytte down in a chaire, &
dyd sygh very sore, and made great lamentacion.
The wife of the house, perceiuinge this, said to
master Skelton : howe is it with you, master
Skelton 1 He answered and said : I dyd neuer so
euill; and then he dyd reache another greate
syghe, sayinge : I am afraide that I shal neuer be
saued, nor cum to heauen. Why, said the wife,
shuld you dispaire so much in Godde's mercy 1
Nay, said he, it is past all remedye. Then said
the wife : I dooe praye you breake your mind vnto
mee. O, sayd Skelton, I would gladlye shewe you
the cause of my dolour, if that I wist that you
would keepe my counsell. Sir, said shee, I haue
ben made of councel of greater matters then you
can shew me. Naye, nay, said Skelton, my matter
passeth all other matters : for I think I shal sinke
to hell for my great offences ; for I sent thys daye
36 Merie Tales of Skelton.
to you for wyne to saye masse withall ; and wee
haue a stronge lawe that euery priest is bounde to
put into hys chalice, when hee doth singe or saye
masse, some wyne and water ; the which dothe
signifye the water & bloude that dyd runne oute
Chrystes syde, when Longeous the blynde knyght
dyd thrust a speare to Christes harte ; & thys daye
I dyd put no water into my wyne, when that I did
put wine into my chalys. Then sayd the vintiners
wife : be mery, 1 maister Skelton, and keepe my
counsell : for, by my faythe, I dyd put into the
vessell of wyne that I did send you of to day x
gallandes of water ; and therfore take no thought,
master Skelton, for I warraunt you. Then said
Skelton : dame, I dooe beshrewe thee for thy
laboure : for I thought so muche before ; for
throughe such vses & brewyng of wyne maye men
be deceyued, and be hurte by drynkinge of suche
euell wyne ; for all wine 2 must be strong, and fayre,
and well coloured ; it must haue a redolent sauoure ;
it must be colde, and sprinkclynge in the peece or
in the glasse.
^ Thus endeth the merie Tales of Maister Skelton,
very pleasaimt for the recreacion of the minde.
(i) i.e. be cheerful. (2) Orig. has "Mines.
SCOGGIN'S JESTS.
INTRODUCTION.
The First and Best Part of Scoggins Jests. Full of
Witty Mirth and Pleasant Shifts, done by him in
France and other places: being a Preservative
against Melancholy. Gathered by Andrew Boord,
Doctor of Physicke. London. Printed for Francis
Williams, 1626, 12, black letter.
IN 1565-6, Thomas Colwell paid fourpence to the
Stationers' Company for a licence to print the " Geystes
of Skoggon," and we need not doubt that the book thus
authorized duly appeared. These Geystes purported,
at all events in later impressions, to be gathered to
gether by Andrew Borde, Doctor of Physic, who died
in 1549, and some of whose numerous works came
(during his lifetime) from the press of Robert Wyer.
It is to be remarked that Colwell, to whom the
" Geystes of Skoggon " were, as we have seen, licensed
in 1565-6, was Wyer's successor in the printing and
bookselling business at the sign of St. John Evan
gelist, near Charing Cross ; and there is room to
suspect that the edition issued by Colwell was merely
a reprint of an impression by Wyer, of which all trace
is now lost. If Wyer printed the work, its publication
was, doubtless, subsequent to the appearance of the
Dietary of Helthe by the same author, of which there
Introduction. 39
were at least three editions about 1542, as the latter is
referred to in the Jests as already in circulation, under
the title of " Directions for Health." All the earlier
editions of Scoggin's Jests, however, seem to have
perished; and although an edition, 1613, I2mo., was
in the Harleian Collection, the only edition now known,
having any pretension to completeness, is that of 1626
described above. A chapman's edition, abridged from
the latter, was brought out by Thackeray and Deacon
about 1680, of which a reprint was made in 1796, 8vo.
for Caulfield. On the title-page of a copy of ed. 1796,
now before the Editor, are the initials W. H. I., which
are conjectured to be those of W. H. Ireland, who not
impossibly had some concern in the reproduction of
this old tract.
In the present republication, the edition of 1626, of
which the only copy known to the Editor is in the
British Museum, has been faithfully followed. In
Thackeray and Deacon's 4to, the language is often
altered, and sixteen chapters, including (curiously
enough) nearly all the Stories against the Clergy, are
omitted. Anthony-a-Wood l asserts that Scoggirfs Jests
"an idle thing, and therefore unjustly fathered on
Dr. Borde" were often printed in Duck Lane; how
ever this may have been, not more than one such im
pression has reached us. As to the improper ascription,
(i) "After this book (The Merie Tales of the Wise Men of Gotham)
was printed, there were other books of mirth ascribed to Dr. Borde, on
purpose to promote a sale of them, one of which is that called Scogaris
Jestt"Vioo&*Atk, Oxon. ed. 1813, i. 181.
40 Introduction.
Wood's word is not worth a great deal, for the author
of the Athena sometimes spoke at random on these
matters. Of the hero of these Tales, Holinshed 1
says : " Scogan, a learned gentleman and student, for
a time in Oxford, of a pleasant wit, and bent to merrie
deuises, in respect whereof he was called into the
court where, giving himselfe to his naturall inclina
tion of mirth and plesant pastime, he plaied manie
sporting parts, although not in such uncivil manner
as hath beene of him reported." Bale, who calls him
" alter Democritus," affirms that he was educated in
Oxford, where he became Master of Arts, and that, in
addition to his facetious qualifications, he was admi
rably skilled in philosophy and all other liberal arts
and sciences. The same writer places him as flourish
ing in 1 48o. 2 It should be noted that there was
another Scoggin or Scogan, with whom our jester has
been frequently confounded, namely, Henry Scogan, a
poet, who lived in the reign of Henry IV., and wrote
"A Morall Ballade to the Kinge's Sonnes," printed
in the collection of Chaucer's pieces, and another
entitled " Flee from the Prese," erroneously ascribed
to Chaucer in Larry's edition, though given to the real
author in a MS. in C. C. College, Oxford. 3
(1) Chronicles, ed. 1587, i. no.
(2) Scriptorum illustrium Majoris Britannia Catalog-its, Saec. xi.
num. 70, ed. folio 1557-9. This date is corroborated also in one of the
Jests, where Scoggin gives a man a bond for a sum of money, payable
on the feast of St. Peter, 1490, for which he ingeniously contrives to
substitute 1590, and so postpones the day of payment for a century.
(3) In Harl. MS. 367, is a collection of Poems described as by John
Scogan, but John is clearly an error for Henry.
Introduction. 41
There are several allusions to Scoggirfs Jests in our
early writers. In Laneham's Letter from Kenilworth,
1575, the tract is mentioned as being in the library of
Captain Cox. In A Whip for an Ape, (1589,) one of
the Martin Marprelate series of pamphlets, 1 we have
this passage :
" The sacred sect, and perfect pure precise,
Whose cause must be by Scoggin's Jests maintained.
Ye shewe although that purple Apes disguise,
Yet Apes are still, & so must be disdained."
In the Epilogue to Wily BeguiVd^ 1606 (but written
and acted long before it was printed), Scoggin's Jests
are thus referred to :
" Quick judgments, that will strike at every scale,
And perhaps such as can make a large discourse
Out of Scoggin's Jests, or the Hundred Merry Tales."
In a pamphlet by Gabriel Harvey, directed against
his literary antagonist Nash, whom he here christens
Signor Capricio, the writer says : " And what root
so pestiferous as that which in sugred baites presen-
teth most poisonous hookes. Sir Skelton and Master
Scoggin are but innocents to Signor Capricio !" In
2 Hen. IV. Act iii. Sc. ii., Shallow relates how Falstaff,
" when he was a crack," broke Scogan's head at the
court-gate. What Shakespeare's idea of Scoggin was,
it is not very easy to determine; but there can be little
doubt that the pranks and drolleries of the latter were
the only qualities which carried his name down to
posterity, even if Holinshed be correct in his intimation
(i) This tract is reprinted in Petheram's Bibliographical Miscellany,
. 33 ; and also in Notes and Queries.
42 Introduction.
that he was not quite so much of a blackguard and
buffoon as the Jests represent him to have been.
In a play, which they wrote for Henslowe in 1601,
William Rankins and Richard Hathway introduced,
side by side, the author of Why come ye nat to Court ?
and the hero of the Jests, just as they had been pre
viously coupled by Harvey, and were afterward coupled
by Jonson ; but as the drama produced by Rankins
and his coadjutor has not been recovered, it is impos
sible to ascertain what sort of part Skelton and Scoggin
were appointed to fill.
In 1607, appeared Dobsorfs Drie Bobbes, Sonne and
Heire to Scoggin^ the writer of which, in his address
to the reader, says that George Dobson, his hero,
"hath proceeded farther in degree than Garagantua,
Howleglasse, Tiell, Skoggin, Old Hobson, or Code."
Ben Jonson, when he introduced Scoggin, as others
had done before him, in company with Skelton, in his
Masque of the Fortunate Isles, 1624, 4to. possibly had
in his recollection the already-cited passage from Holin-
shed ; but the question arises, whether the dramatist
was aware that there were two Scoggins, to the latter
of whom the adventures described in the Jests are
meant to apply. Certainly, the portrait given in Jon-
son's Masque does not suit the jocose M.A. of Oriel,
who is not known to have composed verses in ballad-
royal or any other metre, or to have left any literary
(i) For an account of this work, of which there is a copy in the library
of Trinity College, Cambridge, I have to thank my friend Thompson
Cooper, Esq. F.S.A., one of the Editors of the Athena Cantabrigienses.
Introduction. 43
remains whatever behind him ; while, to a certain
extent, it coincides with what is known of the earlier
Scoggin. Warton says : " He [John Scogin] was edu
cated at Oriel College, in Oxford, and being an excellent
mimic, and of great pleasantry in conversation, became
the favourite buffoon of the Court of Edward IV. in
which he passed the greatest part of his life." In the
Jests a good many quasi-biographical particulars are
found, but how far these may be worthy of credit, it
is difficult to tell. The Jests seem to record, in their
own peculiar fashion, the history of a man of honest
birth and academical education who, by want of money,
is reduced to great shifts, and who is not at all
scrupulous as to the means of gaining his ends. Pos
sessed of a fair share of what was then termed wit,
he obtains an introduction to a country squire (Sir
W. Neville), through whose influence he procures a
place at Court as royal jester, which he more than
once forfeits by acts of misconduct, which offended
the not very squeamish tastes of Edward IV. and his
queen.
The Merie Tales of Skelton, 1567, open with a
statement that "Skelton was an Englishman borne,
as Skogyn was? John Scoggin is clearly here intended,
and not Henry.
The two following notices of Scoggin are taken
from the works of John Taylor, the Water-Poet,
1630 :
" And many more good Bookes I have with care
Look't on their goods, & never stole their ware :
44 Introduction.
For no booke to my hands could ever come,
If it were but the Treatise of Tom Thumb,
Or Scoggins Jests, or any simple play,
Or monstrous newes came Trundling in my way :
All these, & ten times more, some good, some bad,
I have from them much observation had."
Taylor's Motto, 1622.
" O were my wit inspir'd with Scoggin's vaine,
Or that Will Summers ghost had seazed my braine :
Or Tarlton, Lanum, Singer, Kempe, and Pope.'
Taylor's OldcomVs Complaitit.
In London Chaunticleers, a Comedy, printed in
1659, the author enumerates among the books at that
period cried by the ballad-sellers, the Wise Men oj
Gotham, and Scoggins Jests. It is not impossible that
even at this comparatively early date the latter had
been condensed into a chap-book.
In Harry White His Humour (circa. 1640) the author,
supposed to be Martin Parker, puts into the mouth of
his hero the unimpeachable corollary that " if the his
tories of Garragantua and Tom Thumb be true, by
consequence Bevis of Hampton and Scoggin's Jests
must needes be authenticall."
At the trial of Elizabeth Cellier for libel, 1793 (see
Notes and Queries, i S. vol. xi. p. 167), one of the
witnesses observes :
" I went to look for one Mrs. Sheldon, that lives in
Sir Joseph Sheldon's house ; they told me she was in
Essex ; I went to the coach to send for her."
Whereupon the Judge (Baron Weston) remarks :
" Why, Scoggin looked for his knife on the house
top !"
Introduction. 45
It was for a hare, and not for a knife, however, that
Scoggin looked on the house-top.
The following monkish epitaph on Scoggin is from
Harl. MS. 1587 (fol. 193), formerly the property of
Cardinal Pole : l
" Hie jacet in tumulo corpus Scogan ecce Johannis.
Sit tibi pro speculo ; letus fuit ejus in annis.
Leti transibunt ; tristes vitare nequibunt.
Quo nescimus ibunt, vinosi recto peribunt."
An account of Andrew Borde, from 2 the pen of Mr.
M. A. Lower, is printed in Vol. vi of the Sussex
Archaeological Collections.
'i) In this MS. there are no fewer than five copies of the epitaph on
Scoggin, and in Lansdowne MS. 762, there is a sixth, with five additional
verses from a later hand, according to all appearance. The variations
between these copies is very slight and unimportant. In four of the
Harleian copies, the word recto, which is very illegibly written, has been
corrected with the pen by somebody to cito.
(2) The probability is that there was a very slight difference between
the Doctor of Physic in Borde's days and the character described in the
Prologue to the Canterbury Tales '.
" Ther was also a DOCTOUR OF PHISIK,
In al this world ne was ther non him lyk
To speke of phisik and of surgerye ;
For he was groundud in astronomye.
He kepte his pacient wondurly wel
In houres by his magik naturel."
THE PROLOGUE.
THERE is nothing beside the goodnesse of God,
that preserves health so much as honest mirth, espe
cially mirth used at dinner and supper, and mirth
toward bed, as it doth plainly appear in the Directions
for health : l Therefore considering this matter, that
mirth is so necessary a thing for man, I published this
Booke, named, The Jests of Scogin? to make men
merry : for amongst divers other Books of grave
matters that I have made, my delight hath been to
recreate my mind in making something merrie.
Wherefore I doe advertise every man in avoiding
pensiveness, or too much study or melancholic, to
be merrie with honesty in God, and for God, whom
I humbly beseech to send us the mirth of Heaven.
Amen.
(1) The full title of this work is: "A compendyous Regyment or a
dyetary of Helth, made in Moutpyllier, compyled by Andrew Boorde
of Physycke doctour. Imprynted by one Robert Wyer, dwellynge in
seynt Martyns parysshe besyde Charynge Crosse, at the sygne of seynt
John Evangelyste. For John Gowghe, cum privilegio rcgali, ad Im-
primendum solum." Two editions, both different from the above, and
both printed by Wyer, are in the British Museum.
(2) On the title-page to ed. 1626, and in almost all the references to
him elsewhere, the name is spelled Scoggin, but here and throughout the
Jests, the form is, with one or two exceptions, uniformly Scogin.
I have heard say, that Scogin did come of an honest
stock or kindred, and his friends did set hin to schoole
at Oxford, where hee did continue untill the time he
was made Master of Art, where he made this Jest :
A Master of Art is not worth a ****,
Except he be in Schooles,
A Bachelor of Law is not worth a straw,
Except he be among fooles.
A TABLE, of the MERRY JESTS and WITTY SHIFTS <?/ SCOGIN.
What shift Scogin and
of Os\i\ney was
his Chamber-fellow
Jacob's father . .
68
made to fare well
in Lent ....
5 2
Scogins scholler made
/
priest
DQ
What shift Scogin
made when he
[What talke this wise
J7
lacked money . .
How Scogin deceived
the Skinner . . .
56
58
Priest and his Fa
ther had as they
rode home] . . .
71
How Jack got his
60
How the Priest ex
cused himselfe for
not preaching . .
72
How Jack made his
Master pay a penny
for Herring-bones .
61
How the Priest fell
asleepe at Masse .
74
How Jack made of
How the Priest said
two Eggs three . :
62
Requiem cBternam
How a Husbandma
on Easter-day . .
75
put his Son to
How the Priest said
schoole with Scogin
63
Deus qui \vi\ginti
How Scogin and his
filii tui ....
76
scholler wet to
How the priest was
seeke his horse . .
64
accused for keeping
[How] Scogirts schol
a wench ....
78
ler took orders . .
65
How the parson said
[How] the scholler
said, Tom Miller
Cumpshmis qucesi-
imts Domine . .
81
A Table, &c.
49
How Scogin told the
hunter he had found
a hare 82
How Scogin told his
fellows he knew
where there was a
Pickerell .... 83
[How Scogin sold
Powder to kill
Fleas 1 ] .... 84
How Scogin drew out
an old woman's
tooth 86
How Scogin gave one
a medicine to make
one go to it . . . 87
How Scogin gave one
a medicine to find
his horse .... ib.
How Scogin was
robbed 88
[How] Scogin par-
braked a Crow . . 89
How S\c\ogin caused
his wife to let blood 91
How Scogin and his
wife made an heire 93
How Scogin got the
Abbots horse . . 95
T&QW Scogin b[r]ought
Dogs-*
to
know what powder
it was 96
How Scogin did draw
a Tooth - drawers
tooth 97
How Scogin did serve
the poor folkes . . 99
How Scogin came to
the court and won
20 pounds . . . 100
How Scogin leapt
over the Tables . 105
How Scogin gave one
a goose leg ... ib.
How Scogin desired
to sweepe a Lords
chamber ... .106
How Scogin said he
had a wall eye . . ib.
How Scogin drew his
son up and down
the court .... 107
How Scogin greased
a fat sow .... 108
How the King gave
Scogin a house to
do what he would
with ib.
How Scogin played
horse-play . . . in
How Scogin let a ***
and said it was
worth forty pounds 112
How Scogin beg'd
five hundred okes . 113
(i) Not in Table to ed. 1626. It is in Thackeray's ed.
A Table, &c.
H o w Scogin would
make a Shepheard
aske blessing . .113
How a Cowheard
taught him his cun
ning in the weather 1 1 5
How a Man told
Scogin hee thought
the building of
Pauls cost forty
shillings . . . .117
Of him that thought
Panics steeple so
high that none
might looke over it ib.
How Scogin desired
to say Ave Maria
in the King's eare . 1 1 8
How Scogin chalked
his wife the way to
churco . . . .119
How Scogin desired
[of] the Queen
to know whether
riches would not
tempt women . .120
How Scogin escaped
beating .... 121
How Scogitfs wife
came to the Queene 123
How Scogin whined
like a dog . . .126
How Scogin would
flye into England . 127
How Scogin prayed
for loo French
crownes . .128
How Scogin was new
christened . . .130
How Scogin deceived
a Doctor of Phy-
sicke 131
And a Tapster . . .133
And the Poulterers
Wife 134
And the Draper . .137
How Scogin told a
shoomaker he was
not at home . . . 140
How the shoomaker
gave Scogin forty
shilling to have his
house made greater 141
How the Shoemaker
would have made
his house greater,
and brake downe
the one side of it . 142
How Scogin could not
doe two things at
once 143
How the French King
shewed Scogin the
King of Englands
picture 144
How Scogin put
french earth into
his shooes . . . ib.
How Scogin came to
Cambridge, and
how hee deceived
the poore folkes . 145
How Scogin talked
with a fellow that
kept oxen .... 147
A Table, &c.
What shift Scogin
made for Boots . . 148
How Scogin and the
priest prayed for
money 149
How Scogin came to
the Court like a
monstrous beast . 152
ttow Scogin asked the
King and Queene
forgivenesse . . . 1 55
How Scogin told the
Queene what agreat
study he was in .156
How divers gentle
men came to Sco-
gins house to make
merry 156
How Scogin fell si eke 1 58
How Scogin was
shriven . . . .159
Where Scogin desired
to be buried . . .160
What Scogin said
when he took the
holy candle . . .161
2 E
The merry Jests, and witty shifts of Scogin.
What shift Scogin and his Chamber-fellow made
to fare well in Lent.
ON a time in Lent Scogin consulted with a Cham
ber-fellow of his, a Collegioner, and said : how
shall we do to fare well this Lent 1 The scholler
replyed : I cannot tell, for I lacke mony. Nay, said
Scogin, if you will be ruled by me, we will fare
well. The scholler answered : I will do as you
counsel me. Then Scogin said : faine yourselfe
sicke, and goe to bed : grone and cry out for helpe,
and call for me to come unto you : which was done.
And when Scogin came to his chamber-fellow, he
fained himselfe sore sicke. Scogin asked how he
did. I am so sicke, quoth he, that I think I shal
die. Then said Scogin : bee of good comfort, I see
no perill of death in you. O sir, said the scholler,
you doe not feele the paines that I feele. I pray
you, sir, as my trust is in you, keepe me, and go not
from me, untill I am amended : for every Lent is
unto me very evill, unlesse that I have some good
cherishing; as you see this little sicknesse hath
made mee so faint and weak, that I cannot stand
The Jests of Scogin. 5 3
on my legges, and I feare I shall pine away. Not
so, said Scogin, be of good cbeere, and pull up
your heart ; here be of your fellowes, which will
take the paines to go to the Bowcers l of your place,
to entreat them to take care of you. When it was
known in the colledge, that Scogin's chamber-
fellow was so sore sicke, some were afraid that
it had been the pestilence, or else some other in
fectious sicknesse, wherfore Scogin was put in trust
both for the keeping, and to doe other necessary
things for his chamber-fellow, and had every night
the keyes of the Bowcery and Buttery delivered,
whereby he provided for breade and drinke, good
salt eeles, salt salmon, and other salt fishes, so they
did lacke no good cheere, besides fresh fish which
came out of the kitchin.
This done, the fellowes of the place would that
the patient's urine should be had to the physitian,
to know what manner of sicknesse the patient had.
Scogin, then being afraid that the physitian wold
now know that his fellow was not sicke, said to
him : we shal be both shamed and shent, except
thou wilt suffer me to burne thy lips and singe thy
nose with a candle, and then let me alone with the
physitian, for I must have your water to him. Sco
gin did burne his chamber-fellowes nose and lips,
(i) i.e. Bursars.
54 The Jests of Scogin.
and had his water to the physitian. The physitian
said : he that doth owe l this water or urine is a
whole man. Nay, said Scogin, that is not so ; the
man is a sore sicke man, and doth breake out
about the lips and nose. Ah, said the physitian, a
water or urine is but a strumpet ; a man may be
deceived in a water : and if he be as you doe say,
(said the physitian to Scogin) then hath he a great
heat in the liver and in the stomacke. Yea, sir, said
Scogin, he dothe complaine of his stomacke. Then
said the physitian : you shall have a bill of the
apothecarie, and let him take such medicines as
shall be there made. Sir, said Scogin, it is but a
poore scholler, and he hath little to spend. Then
said the physitian, for your sake it shall be but
a groat matter ; which when he had bought and
brought home, he cast the medicine into the fire,
saying to his fellow: I have deceived the physician,
and now let us make merry, and fill all the pots in
the house. After this Scogin shewed the Bowcers
and the fellowes, how he was with the physician,
and that he had sent the patient medicines : but
for all that Scogin said that the physician cannot
tell as yet unto what infirmity this matter will turne ;
but, said Scogin, I feare much the pestilence, which
he said, because none should visit the patient.
(i) i.e. Own.
The Jests of Scogin. 5 5
This continued untill that Lent was done, and on
maundy-Thursday, Scogin said to his chamber-
fellow : we wil make our maundy, and eate and
drink with advantage. Be it, said the scholar.
On Maundy-thursday at night they made such
cheere that the scholler was drunke. Scogin then
pulled off all the schollers clothes, and laid him
stark naked on the rushes, and set a forme over
him, and spread a coverlet over it, and set up two
tallow candles in candlesticks over him, one at his
head, the other at his feet, and ran from chamber
to chamber, and told the fellowes of the place that
his chamber-fellow was dead : and they asked of
Scogin if he died of the pestilence ? Scogin said :
no, I pray you go up and pray for his soule ; and
so they did. And when the scholler had slept his
first sleepe, he began to turne himselfe, and cast
downe the forme and the candles. The fellowes of
the house, seeing that Scogin did run first out of
the chamber, they and all that were in the cham
ber, one running and tumbling down on anothers
neck, were afraid. The scholler, seeing them run
so fast out of the chamber, followed them starke
naked ; and, the fellowes seeing him runne after
them like a ghost, some ran into their chambers,
and some ran into one corner, and some into ano
ther. Scogin ran into the chamber to see that the
56 The Jests of Scogin.
candles should doe no harme, and at last fetcht up
his chamber-fellow, which ran about naked like a
mad-man, and brought him to bed ; for which
matter Scogin had rebuke.
What shift Scogin and his fellow made, when they
lacked money. 1
AFTER this, Scogin and his chamber-fellow lacked
money, and Scogin said : if thou wilt be ruled after
me, we will goe to Tame 2 market, where we shall
overtake, going or comming, some that drive
sheepe ; now doe as I shall tell thee, and we will
get some money. And as they went to Tame, they
did see a man drive sheepe. Then Scogin said
to his fellow : goe thou before, and make bargaine
with him that the sheepe bee no sheepe, but hogs ;
and when that thou hast made a full bargaine, aske
by whom the matter shall be tried j and say thou :
by him that shall next overtake us. The scholler
(1) I know not whether this tale is to be found in earlier books, or
related of any one before Scogin's time ; but it was one of which com
pilers of jest-books subsequently made a good deal of use. It is in the
Sack-Fiill of N ewes, probably printed as early as 1558; and in a MS.
temp. Charles I. the property of J. P. Collier, Esq., George Peele the
dramatist and John Singer the actor are made the heroes of the adven
ture, and the authors of the deception on the shepherd. This new version
of an old jest was printed by Mr. Collier in his Extracts from the Regis,
ters of the Stationers Company, ii. 216.
(2) Thame, in Oxfordshire.
The Jests of Scogin. 5 7
did overtake him that drove the sheepe, and said :
well overtaken, my friend ; from whence hast thou
brought these faire hogs % Hogs ! quoth the fellow ;
they be sheepe. Said the scholler : you begin to jest.
Nay, sir, said the fellow, I speak e in good earnest.
Art thou in earnest ] said the scholler ; thou wilt lay
no wager with me to the contrary ! Yes, by the bone
of a pudding, I will lay all the money in my purse.
How much is that 1 said the scholler. The fellow
said : I have two shillings. Two shillings ! said the
scholler, that is nothing ; wilt thou lay half thy
hogs and two shillings ; and I will lay as much
against it? strike hands, and he that loseth shall
pay. Be it, said the fellow. Now, said the scholar,
by whom shall we be tryed 1 The fellow said : we
shal be tryed in the towne of Tame. Nay, said
the scholar, Tame is out of my way; let us bee
tried by him that shall next overtake us. Be it,
said the fellow. By and by, Scogin did overtake
them, saying : well overtaken, good fellowes. Wel
come, master, said the schoiler and the fellow.
Master, said the fellow, here is a scholler of Oxford
hath made a bargaine with me of two shillings and
the price of halfe my sheep, that they be hogs
that I doe drive before me. Scogin did set
up a laughing, saying : alacke, good fellowe, dost
thou thinke these be sheepe 1 Yea, sir, said the
5 8 The Jests of Scogin.
fellow. Alacke, good fellow, thou hast lost thy
bargaine, said Scogin, for they bee faire hogs. Then
said the scholler : give me my mony, and divide
these hogs, for I must have halfe of them. Alacke,
said the fellow, I bought these for sheep, and not
for hogs ; I am undone. Nay, said Scogin, I will
be indifferent betweene you both ; let the scholler
have the two shillings, and take thou the hogs
away with thee. The fellow said : blessed be the
time that ever you were borne ! hold, Scholler, there
is two shillings. The fellow was glad he lost not
his hogs, which were sheepe.
How Scogin deceived the Skinner.
WHEN Scogin had broght to Oxford such things
as he had in London, hee lacked furres for his
gownes and miniver furres for his hood. Where
upon hee went to an alderman in Oxford, which
was a Skinner, and said unto him: it is so that I
must proceed Master of Art at the next Act, and I
have bestowed my money at London, and now I
have need of furres (as you know) ; wherefore if I
shall have of you as much as shall serve me, I will
content you with thankes. Then said the alder
man : make your gownes and your hood, and send
them to me, and they shall be furred as other
The Jests of Scogin. 59
masters be. Then said Scogin : you shal have
them within these two dayes, and then I pray you
make me a bill, what I shall pay for every thing.
It shall bee done, said the alderman. When as
the gownes and hood were furred, he went to fetch
them home, and said to the alderman : I pray you,
let me see my charge. The bill was brought forth,
and the sum did rise to six pound and odde
money. The Alderman said : when shall I have
my money 1 Scogin answered : within these seven
weeks, or else the next time that you and I doe
meet after the said terme set. The terme of time
passed over, and the Alderman sent for his money.
Scogin said to the messenger : have me commended
to Master Alderman, and tell him, when he and I
doe meet I wil contet him according to my pro
mise. So on a time Scogin went to Carfax, 1 and hee
spied the Alderman, and then he returned backe.
The Alderman made good footing after him to
overtake him, and said unto him : sir, you said that
you would pay me my money within seven weekes,
or else any time after that we did meet together.
It is true, said Scogin, my day is expired, but my
promise is not broken. No, said the Alderman, so
that you pay me my money now. Now ! said
Scogin ; nay, not so, wee meete not together yet ;
(i)Olded. \a&Korfax.
60 The Jests of Scogin.
for now you did but overtake me, and when we doe
meet, you shall have your money : but if I can,
said Scogin, I will not meet you this seven yeeres,
if I can goe backward. Wherefore a plaine bar
gain is best, and in bargaines making : fast bind,
fast find.
How Jacke by playing of the Whiting got his
Dinner. 1
WHEN the sicknesse was at Oxford on a time, Scogin
went out of Oxford, and did lye at St. Barthelmewes
by Oxford, and hee had a poore scholler to dresse
his meate. On a Friday he said to his scholler :
Jacke, here is two pence ; goe to the market, and
buy mee three whitings ; the which his scholler
did : and when hee was come home, Scogin said :
Jacke, goe seeth me a whiting to my dinner. Jack
heard him say so, and deferred the time, thinking
he should fare ill, when that his master had but a
whiting to dinner. At last Scogin said : doth the
fish play 1 Jack said : would you have one play
without a fellow ? Scogin said : Jacke, thou saist
truth, put another whiting into the pan. Then
Jack prepared his fish to seeth them. Then Scogin
said : Jacke, doth the fish play now 1 Jack said : I
(i) See Joe Miller's Jests ; or, the Wits' Vade-Mecum, 1739, p. 21.
The Jests of Scogin. 6 1
trow they be mad, or else wood, 1 for one doth fight
with the other, that I have much adoe to keepe
them in the pan. Then said Scogin : put the other
whiting betwixt them to breake the strife. Jack
was then glad, thinking he should get somewhat
to dinner, and sod the fish, and had his part.
How Jacke made his Master pay a penny for
the herring bones.
ON a time, Scogin did send Jacke to Oxford to
market, to buy a penny-worth of fresh herring.
Scogin said : bring foure herrings for a penny, or
else bring none. Jack could not get four herrings
but three for his penny : and when he came home,
Scogin said : how many herrings hast thou brought 1
and Jacke said : three herrings, for I could not get
foure for a penny. Scogin said, he would none
of them. Sir, said Jacke, then will I, and here is
your penny againe. When dinner-time was come,
then Jacke did set bread and butter before his
Master, and rested his herrings, and sate downe
at the lower end of the table, and did eate the
herrings. Scogin said : let mee have one of thy
herrings, and thou shalt have another of mee an
other time. Jacke said : and if you will have one
(i) i.e. Mad. See Nares' Glossary, ed. 1859, i )l voce.
62 The Jests of Scogin.
herring, it shall cost you a penny. What, said
Scogin, thou wilt not take it on thy conscience !
Jacke said : my conscience is such, that you get not
a inorsell here, except I have my penny againe.
Thus contending together, Jack had made an end
of his herrings. A Master of Art of Oxford, one
of Scogin's fellowes, did come to see Scogin ; and
when Scogin had espied him, hee said to Jack : set
up the bones of the herrings before me. Sir, said
Jacke, they shall cost you a penny. Then said
Scogin : what, whorso, wilt thou shame me ? No, sir,
said Jack, give me my penny again, and you shall
have up the bones, or else I will tell all. Scogin then
cast down a penny to Jack, and Jack brought up
to Scogin the herring bones ; and by this time the
Master of Art did come in to Scogin ; and Scogin
bad him welcome, saying : if you had come sooner,
you should have had fresh herrings to dinner.
How Jacke by Sophistry would make of two Eggs
three. 1
SCOGIN on a tyme had two egs to his breakfast,
and Jack his [sjcholler should rost them ; and as
(i) This is a very common story. It is, in a slightly varied form,
No. 67 of A C Mery Tales, and Johnson has introduced it into TJte
Pleasant Conceits of Old Hobson, the Merry Londoner, 1607. See note
to C Mery Talys, p. 96.
The Jests of Scogin. 63
they were resting, Scogin went to the fire to warme
him. And as the egs were rosting, Jacke said : sir,
I can by sophistry prove that here be three egs.
Let me se that, said Scogin. I shall tel you, sir,
said Jack. Is not here one? Yes, said Scogin.
And is not here two ? Yes, said Scogin ; of that
I am sure. Then Jack did tell the first egge againe,
saying : is not this the third 1 O, said Scogin, Jack,
thou art a good sophister; wel, said Scogin, these
two eggs shall serve me for my breakfast, and
take thou the third for thy labour and for the
herring that thou didst give mee the last day. So
one good turne doth aske another, and to deceive
him that goeth about to deceive is no deceit.
How a Husbandman put his sonne to schoole
with Scogin.
THERE was a Husbandman beside Oxford, and
he would faine have his son to goe to schoole
with Master Scogin, and that Scogin should help
to make him a Priest ; and to obtain Scogin's
favour and good will, the husbandman gave Sco
gin a horse. Scogin was pleased, so that he
would pay for his sonnes boord. The husband
man was contented, and Scogin pleased. The
slovenly boy, almost as big as a knave, would
64 The Jests of Scogin.
begin to learne his A. B. C. Scogin did give him
a lesson of nine of the first letters of A. B. C., and
he was nine daies in learning of them ; and when
he had learned the nine Christ-crosse-row 1 letters,
the good scholler said : am Ich 2 past the worst
now 1 Yea, said Scogin. Then said the scholar :
would God Ich were, for dis is able to comber any
man's wits alive. Scogin then thought his scholler
would never bee but a foole, and did apply him
as well as he could to his learning ; but he, that
hath no wit, can never have learning nor wisedome.
How Scogin and his Scholler went to seek his
horse.
ON a time Scogin had lost his horse; wherefore
in the morning he called up his scholler, saying :
Will, ho. Will heard him call, and would not
speake ; at last Scogin said : what, Will, I say, arise,
and let us goe look my horse. Will said : master,
hold your peace, vor ich am vast asleepe. What !
old luske, 3 said Scogin, arise and meet with me at
(i) Scogin's scholar apparently used a species of abacus constructed in
the form of the Cross. Nares and others have entertained some doubt
as to what was the exact meaning of Christ-cross-row, but the above
seems to be the most reasonable theory. (2) i.e. I.
(3) Lusk is frequently used by early writers in the sense of a lazy
fellow or an idle htbber. See new ed. of Nares in voce7
The Jests of Scogin. 65
Shotover (which is a great wood nigh St. Barthol-
mewes, beside Oxford). Will followed his master
with an evill will, they seeking, one in one place
and the other in another place, for his horse. At
last Scogin did lewer and whoop to him. Will
said, as he was brought out with his father, what a
divel will you have now ? Scogin said : hast thou
found my horse ? No, I zay, but Ich 'ave found a
better thing What is that ? said Scogin. By my
vay, said Will, Ich have found a bird's nest. Well,
Will, said Scogin, mark the place, and looke out
my horse. By my vay, said Will, ch'ill marke the
place ; vor Ich have **** under the tree, and now
would l Ich could find another bird's nest, for all
your horse. Thus you see a fool will not leave his
bable for a thing of better worth.
How Scogin's scholler tooke orders.
WHEN that Scogin had taught his scholler that
he with helpe might be Subdeacon, he said to him :
thou shalt goe to take orders, and I will goe with
thee. And if thou dost stand in any doubt, take
heed to my booke, and give an eare to me, and I
will helpe thee as much as I can. When all they
that should take orders were come to oppositions, 2
(i) Old Ed. has cKould. See Merie Tales and Quiche Answeres,
No. 28. (2) i.e. Examinations.
66 The Jests of Scogin.
Scogin did come forth with his scholler, and the
Ordinary did oppose him with a verse of the
Psalter, which was this : Moab, Agareni, Gebal,
Am on & Amaleck, cum habitantibus Tirum. Sco-
gin's scholler was blanke or amazed. Sir, said
Scogin to the Ordinary, you shall understand that
Moab, Agareni, Gebal, Amon & Amaleck, cum
habitantibus Tirum, were unhappy fellowes : for
they did trouble the children of Israel, and if
they trouble my scholler, it is no marvell but now
I doe tell tell thee, my scholler, be not afraid of
Moab, Agareni, Gebal, Amon & Amaleck, cum
habitantibus Tirum : for I will stand beside to
comfort thee : for Moab, Agareni, &c. can do thee
no harm, for they be dead. By reason that Scogin
did so oft repeate these words, , the Scholler did
reade this verse aforesaid ; & through Scogin's
promise, the Ordinary was content that the Scholler
should take Orders, & be Subdeacon. After this,
when the orders were given againe, Scogin did
speake to his Schollers Father, to send in a letter
three or foure pieces of gold. The schollers father
was content so to doe, so that his son might be
Deacon. Then said Scogin to his scholler : thou
shalt deliver this letter to the Ordinary, when he
doth sit in oppositions, and as soone as he feeleth
the letter, he will perceive that I have sent him
The Jests of Scogin. 67
some money, & he will say to thee : Quomodo
valet magister tuus ? that is to say, how doth thy
Master 1 Thou shalt say, JBene, that is to say, Well.
Then will he say : Quid petis t What thing dost
thou ask 1 Then shalt thou say Diaconatum, to
be Deacon. Then the Ordinary will say : Es tu
literatus ? Art thou learned 1 And thou shalt say
Aliqualiter Somewhat. Now, said Scogin, thou
hast no more but these words to beare in mind in
Latine, which is to say, JBene t Diaconatum & Ali
qualiter. The father and the Scholler were glad,
that by Scogins letters & the money he should be
Deacon, & [he] went to the oppositions, & delivered
his letter with the money. The Ordinary, perceiv
ing money in the letter, said to the scholler : quid
petis ? that is to say, What dost thou aske or desire 1
The scholler remembering Scogins words, that the
first word was Bene, he said Bene, that is, Well.
When the Ordinary heard him say so, he said :
Quomodo valet magister tuus ? How doth thy
Master ? The Scholler said : JDiaconatum, that is to
say, Deacon. The Ordinary did see he was a foole,
and said : Tu es stultus, [that is] thou art a foole.
The Scholler said : Aliqualiter) that is to say,
Somewhat. Nay, said the Ordinary, not Aliqualiter,
but Totaliter, a starke foole. Then the Scholler
was amazed, and said : Sir, let me not goe home
F 2
68 The Jests of Scogin.
without mine Orders, & heere is another Angell
of gold for you to drinke. Well, said the Ordinary,
on that condition you will promise me to goe to
your booke and learne, you shall bee Deacon at
this time. Heere a man may see that money is
better than learning.
How the Scholler said Tom Miller of Os[e]ney was
Jacob's father. 1
AFTER this, the said Scholler did come to the next
Orders, & brought a present to the Ordinary from
Scogin, but the Schollers father paid for all. Then
said the Ordinary to the Scholler : I must needes
oppose you, & for Master Scogins sake, I will
oppose you in a light matter. Isaac had two sons :
Esau and Jacob; who was Jacob's father? The
Scholler stood still, & could not tell. Well, said
the Ordinary, I cannot admit you to be Priest
untill the next orders, & then bring me an answer.
The Scholler went home with a heavy heart, bear
ing a letter to master Scogin, how his Scholler
could not answer to this question : Isaac had two
sons, Esau and Jacob : who was Jacob's father 1
Scogin said to his scholler : thou foole and asse-
head ! dost thou not know Tom Miller of Os[e]ney ?
(i) See A C Mery Tafys, No. 69.
The Jests of Scogin. 69
Yes, said the Scholler. Then said Scogin : thou
knowest he had two sonnes, Tom and Jacke. Who
is Jack's father] The scholler said : Tom Miller.
Why, said Scogin, thou mightest have said, that
Isaac was Jacob's father. Then said Scogin : thou
shalt arise betime in the morning, & carry a letter
to the Ordinary, & I trust he will admit thee,
before the Orders shall be given. The scholler
rose up betime in the morning, & carried the letter
to the Ordinary. The Ordinary said : for Master
Scogin's sake, I will oppose you no farther than I
did yesterday. Isaac had two sons : Esau and
Jacob Who was Jacob's father 1 Marry, said the
Scholler, I can tell you now that was Tom Miller
of Os[e]ney. Goe, foole, goe, said the Ordinary, &
let thy master send thee no more to me for orders ;
for it is impossible to make a foole a wise man.
How Scogins Scholler was made Priest.
THE aforesaid Schollers father was sorry that he
could not have his sonne made Priest, and made
his mone to Master Scogin. Master Scogin said :
you must get him his Dimissories 1 to be made
Priest in some other Diocese : for our Ordinary
will not admit him. Sir, said the Schollers father,
(i) Old Ed. has Diuiissaries.
7O The Jests of Scogin.
get him his Dimissories, 1 & make him a Priest, & I
will give you twenty nobles. Sir, said Scogin, let
me have the money, & it shall be done. The
next Orders after, Scogin & the Schollers father
& the scholler did ride all to London, & Scogin
went to the Ordinary, & gave him forty shillings
to have his Scholler made Priest. The Ordinary
said : I must oppose him. Sir, said Scogin, my
Scholler is well learned ; but hee hath no utterance ;
wherfore I pray you, at my request, oppose him
in Te Deum, & his father shal bring him to you.
I am pleased, said the Ordinary. On the morrow,
the Scholler and his father went to Master Ordinary.
The Ordinary said : be you master Scogins
Scholler 1 Yea, sir, said he. Would you be Priest
at the beginning of these Orders 1 Yea, sir, said
the Scholler. Then said the Ordinary : I must
oppose you, & it shall be in Te Dcum, I will
begin, & answer you me, & say : Tibi Cherubin 6*
Seraphin incessdbili voce prodamant. Sanctus,
said the Scholler. Sanctus, said the Ordinary.
Sanctus, said the Scholler. Holde thy peace,
knave, said the Scholler's father ; will you checke
the Gentleman that is so good to us? The
(i) Old Ed. has Dimissaries. A bishop's dimissory letter was neces
sary in order to authorize the transfer of a matter of ecclesiastical juris
diction to a different district or diocese from that in which it had
originated, or within which it properly lay.
The Jests of Scogin. 7 1
Ordinary did laugh, and said to the Scribe : put
this man's name in the Booke to be Priest. Goe,
said the Ordinary, & come to-morrow, and the
Bishop will make you a Priest j which was done.
What talke this wise Priest and his Father had as
they rode home.
AND as he was riding home with his father, he
espied the Moon, & said : Father, this is like the
Moone we have at home ; I marvail, said he,
whereof the Moone is made. His father said :
I cannot tell. Then said the wise Priest : it is
made like a Cheese, & if it be a Cheese, I would
I had a gobbet, 1 for I am hungry. Further he said :
how may a man climbe up to it, & cut out .a
peece ? Then said his father : I would I were at
home, for all the Moones in this Countrey. At
last they came to Uxbridge, & there the young
Priest had espied a Cowt*** lying upon a beame
in the top of the house. Then he said to his
father : here is a thing to be marvelled on :
whether the Cow went up to **** on the beame,
or the beame came downe to let the Cow ****
on it. Then said the Father : belike, one of the
two it was.
(i) i.e. A morsel or slice.
72 The Jests of Scogin.
How the Priest excused himselfe, because he did
not preache.
AFTER that this man was made Priest for money,
his father had got him a benefice. Then the
parishioners, where he was parson, were not con
tented that they had no sermons of him ; upon
the which he went to Master Scogin to aske his
counsell. Then said Scogin : Christmas day is
at hand, and then goe into the Pulpit, and take
this for thy antheme : Puer natus est nobis ; Filius
datus est nobis ; cujus imperium &c. Then say :
masters to you all, what is Piter natus est nobis ?
and if no man will answer, aske of the Clarke ;
and if he cannot tell, then say : now, Masters, to
you all, what is Filius datus est nobis ? If none
can tell, aske the Clarke ; if he cannot tell, then
say : Masters, what is Cujus Imperium ? If none
can tell, then aske the oldest man in the church
what Cujus Imperium is ; if he cannot tell, then
say : Masters, this man hath dwelt in this Parish
this many yeeres, & he cannot tell what Cujus
Imperium is. I have not been halfe a yeere among
you, and you would have me to preach. I tell
you all, by that time I have beene in this Towne
as long as this old man hath beene, I will preach
The Jests of Scogin. 73
& tell you what Cujus Imperium is. On Christmas
day, this noble Priest went into the Pulpit, & said :
Puer natus est nobis ; Filitis datus est nobis > cujus
imperium. Now, Masters, to you all, what is Puer
natus est nobis ? There was no man could answer
him. Then said the Priest to the Clarke : what
is Puer natus est nobis ? The Clarke said : A
Childe is borne to us. It is well said (said the
priest). Now, Masters, to you all, what is Filius
datus est nobis ? No man said a word. Clarke,
what is Filius datus est nobis ? The Clarke said :
A sonne is given to us. It is well said (said the
Priest, although he knew not whether hee said
right or wrong). Then said the Priest : now,
Masters, to you all, what is cujus imperium 1 There
was none in the Church did answer. Then said
the Priest to the Clarke : What is cujus imperium ?
The Clarke said : I cannot tell. Then the Priest
said : how long hast thou lived here ? The Clarke
said : nine or ten yeeres. Then there sate before
the Priest an olde man with a bald head. Thou
old Father, said the Priest, what is cujus imperium ?
I cannot tell, said the olde man. Why, said the
Priest, how long hast thou dwelt in this parish?
The old man said : I was borne in this Towne.
Why, said the Priest, how olde art thou? The
old man said : fourescore yeeres & odde. Then
74 TJie Jests of Scogin,
said the Priest : loe ! Masters all, here is a Clarke
which hath dwelt here this nine or ten yeeres, &
this olde man hath dwelt heere fourescore yeeres
& odde : yet they cannot tell what cujus imperium
is ; and I have not beene here ten weekes, & you
would have me preach. I tell 'you all, by that
time I have dwelt here as long as this olde man
hath done, I will preach, & tell you what cujus
imperiiim is. For hee is a starke foole that can
make no excuse for himselfe that is culpable.
How the Priest fell asleepe as he was at Masse.
ON a certaine time, Scogin went to his scholler, the
aforesaid Parson, to dine with him on a Sunday ;
and this foresaid Priest or Parson all the night
before had beene at Cards playing at the Post ; x
hee made short mattens, & went to Masse \ &
when he did come to his first Memento, he leaned
him to the altar, & fell asleepe. When Scogin had
espyed it, he called the Clarke to awake him.
(i) i.e. The game of post and pair. "Post and Pair," says Nares
(Glossary, ed. 1859, in voce], "was a game on the cards, played with
three cards each, wherein much depended on vying, or betting on the
goodness of your own hand. It is clear .... that a pair-royal of aces
was the best hand, and next any other three cards, according to their
order : kings, queens, knaves, &c. descending. If there were no threes,
the highest pairs might win, or also (else?) the highest game in three
cards. It would in these points much resemble the modern game of
commerce."
The Jests of Scogin. 7 5
The Clarke went & shooke him, & bad him awake,
Puffe ! said the Priest. Awake, said the Clarke.
I will none of it, said the Priest. What, Sir, said
the Clarke, you are at Masse. Hold thy peace,
saith the Priest, I beshrow thy heart ; thou hast
let me of a good sleep. Awake for shame, said
the Clarke. At the last he awaked, & made an
ende of his Masse. When Masse was done,
Scogin reprehended him, & they of the Parish
complained of the Priest to Scogin for that fault
& many other. Scogin said, that the Priest had
great paine in his browes that he could not hold
up his head j & therefore pardon him for this fault,
considering his sicknesse.
How the Priest said Requiem aternam on
Easter day. 1
ON an Easter day, this aforesaid Parson could not
tell what Masse he should say ; wherefore he said
to the Clarke : I pray thee run to my next neigh
bour, the Parson of Garsington, 2 & let him send
me word what Masse I shall say to day. The
Parson said to the Clarke : let him say the Masse
which doth begin with a great R. The Priest
(1) See A C Mcry Talys, No. 81.
(2) Garsington, in Oxfordshire.
76 The Jests of Scogin.
turned over his Booke & found Requiem aternam,
& said the Masse which is said for a soule or
soules. When Masse was done, one said to him :
Master Parson, for whose soule did you say Masse
to day 1 Sir, said he, for God's soule, which died
on Friday last : for I was sicke yesterday, & could
not say Masse for his soule. Sir, said the man,
God is alive, & not dead. No ! said he ; if he had
not been dead, he should not have been buried.
All this is true, said the man; but after he was
dead, he rose from death to life, & is alive, &
shall die no more. By my faith, said the Parson,
I will never after this pray for him any more. No,
said the man, you must never pray for God j but
you must pray to God to send you some wit, or
else you will die a foole.
How the Priest said : Dens qui viginti filii tui,
when he should have said Deus qui unigeniti^
ON a time, master Scogin said to his fellowes that
were Masters of Art : I pray you let me goe to
make merrie with the Parson of Balden, 2 which
was once my Scholler. Be it, said they. On the
(1) See A C Mery Tafys, No. 53.
(2) Baldon-Toot, in Oxfordshire, is the place here meant. In Adams'
Index Villaris, 1690, it is called
The Jests of Scogin. 77
morrow, in the morning, they went to Balden, &
one Master of Art went before all the other, & did
goe into the Church, & the Priest began Masse of
the Crosse & when he came to the Collect, he
did read : Dens qui viginti filii tui &c. when he
should have said : Deus qui unigeniti &c. But
when he was reading the Collect, he heard a great
noise in the Church-yard, & ere he had fully made
an end of it, Master Scogin & the other Masters
of Art came into the Church. Then, at the
Collect end, he turned about & said : Dominus
vobiscum. He, spying so many schollers, said : ite,
missa est : for he thought the schollers did come
to checke him in his Masse. And when Masse
was done, they went to dinner with the Parson ;
and, after dinner, the Master of Art that did come
first into the Church, that heard the Parson reade :
Deus qui viginti filii tui, said : Master Parson, I
pray you for my learning, tell me how many sonnes
God had. The Parson was astonied. Sir, said he,
I will tell you by & by. He went to Scogin, say
ing : Sir, I pray you tell me how many sonnes God
had. Scogin said : goe & tell him, sir, you did
aske of me how many sonnes God hath ; it shall
not skill 1 how many nor how few he hath ; I am
sure that you be none of them. Why, Sir, said the
(i) i.e. Signify.
78 The Jests of Scogin.
Master of Art, you said to day in your Masse, that
God had twenty children, for you said : Deus qui
viginti filii tui. Yea, Sir, be content, said Scogin,
hath God more or lesse, my priest saith you be
none of them. We have good cheere, & [it] costs
us nothing ; therefore one good turn asketh another
without reprehension.
How the Priest was complained on for keeping a
young wench in his house. 1
THIS aforesaid Priest had a wench to keepe his
house, to dresse his meate ; & because both the
Priest & shee were yong, they were complained
on to the Ordinary, which sent for the Priest by a
citation. The priest was afraid, & said to the
Sumner : I will give the 15 pence to tell me the
cause why I should come to the Ordinary. Sir,
said he, for keeping this wench within your house ;
wherefore you must appeare the next court day.
The priest went to Scogin, & showed him the whole
matter. Scogin said : I will write a letter to the
Ordinary ; the contents whereof was this :
After commendations, I certifie you that where
(i) This is merely an enlarged version of No. 85 of A C Mery Talys.
See also Merie Tales of Skclton, No. vi.
The Jests of Scogin. 79
[as] my Priest is complained on for a woman that
he keepeth in his house :
To wash his dishes ; !
And to gather rishes ;
To milke his cow,
And to serve his sow.
To feed his hen and cocke,
To wash his shirte and smocke.
His points to unloose,
And to wipe his shooes.
To make bread and ale,
Both good & eke stale.
And to make his bed,
And to looke his head.
His garden she doth weed,
And doth helpe him at need.
No man can say,
But, night and day,
He coulde not misse
To clip and kisse.
She is faire and fat ;
What for all that ?
I can no more tell ;
But now, fare you well.
The parson did beare this letter to the Court, &
delivered it. The Ordinary said : Master Parson,
you bee complained on, because you doe keepe a
yong wench in your house. Master, said the
Parson, she is not young, but she is of the age of
my horse. Why, said the Ordinary, how old is
your horse 1 Master, said the Parson, eighteene
yeeres old. Well, said the Ordinary, you must
; tinted in the old Ed. as prose.
8o The Jests of Scogin.
put away your wench. No, 1 said the Parson : I
had rather loose my benefice : for then must I
brew & bake, & doe all things my selfe ; & that I
will not doe. Well, said the Ordinary, I will come
home to your house one day, & see what rule you
keepe. Sir, said the Parson, you shall be welcome.
The Ordinarie came to the Parsons house; &
when he did see the wench, he said : Uxor tua
sicut vitis abundant* in later ibus domils tutz? The
Parson thought the Ordinarie had apposed him in
our Latine Mattins, and said : Et filii tui sicut
novetti^ Olivarum in circuitu mensce tua. The
Ordinary was abashed, & supposed that some man
had told him of his children that he had in his
house of his owne, sitting round about at his
table ; [so he] was ashamed to rebuke the Parson,
& said nothing else but Farewell, Master Parson.
Thus a man may perceive that divers times fooles
be fortunate ; and it is evill & a foolish thing for a
man to reprehend another man for a fault that he
himselfe is guilty in.
(i) Old Ed. has now. (2) Old Ed. \a&alundantis.
(3) Old Ed. has tua.
(4) Old Ed. has novella, and so reads A C Mery Talys, No. 85. I
ought to have made the correction there too.
The Jests of Scogin. 8 1
How the Parson said : Cumpsimus Quczsimus,
Domine.
ANOTHER time, Master Scogin and other Masters
of Art in Oxford did visit the said Priest again, &
found him at Masse ; and at the last collect the
Parson said : Cumpsimus qucesimus Domine. One
of the Masters of Art said : Master Parson, you
must say Sumpsimus quczsimus Domine. The
Parson looked backe, and said to the Master of
Art : I have said these dozen years Cumpsimus
qucEsimus Domine, & I will not leave my old
Cumpsimus for thy new Sumpsimus. So they went
to dinner, & the Parson said to Scogin : I have not
meat enough for you all. Well, said Scogin, such
as you have, let on the board ; and so he did.
Then one of the Masters said grace, and began :
Benedicite, Domine, apposita et apponenda. Nay,
said Scogin, put apponenda in your purse, and
blesse apposita : for here is on the table all the
meat at this time you shall have ; and I beshrew
some of us & not me ; for we had fared better, if
Sumpsimus had not been heere. Wherefore it
appeareth that he, which telleth the truth, often
times shall fare the worse, or else be shent.
The Jests of Scogin.
How Scogin told the hunter he had found a hare.
SCOGIN had a great hare's skin, that was new killed,
and he went to a wheat land, that was an handfull
and an halfe high, and did lay there a foul great
mard they that can speake French, can tell what
a mard is and couched the Hare's skinne over it,
and set up the Hare's ears, and then hee came to
Oxford, and said to them that used hunting, that
he had found a hare sitting. They ran for their
Grey-hounds to kill the hare, and Scogin went
with them to the land, where the hare did sit. At
last, one espied the eares and the head of the hare,
and said : so how ! Stand you there, said the
other, and give her the law of the game. Scogin
got him home to Oxford, and one that came to
see the game was bid to put the hare ; and when
he came almost at the hare : up, w**** ! he said :
or I will pricke you in the buttocke by and by;
but the hare did not stirre. At last, when he came
to the place, he thrust his staffe at the hare's
skinne, and did turne it over, and under it was a
great mard. He returned againe, as if he had a
flea in his eare, to Oxford. Why, said they, doe
you not put up the hare 1 Goe, put her up your-
selfe with a vengeance, said he ; and went home
The Jests of Scogin. 83
againe in an anger. They that held their Grey
hounds did marvell what he meant, and that
Scogin was gone ; they went to see where the hare
should sit ; and they found a hare's skinne and a
great mard. Wei, said they, we can never beware
of Scogin's mocks and jests ; would part of this
hare were in his mouth ! and so they departed.
Whereby you may see that faire words make fools
faine.
How Scogin told his fellowes he knew where was a
Pickerell.
ON a time Scogin said to his fellowes : I have
found where a pickerell doth lie in a ditch behind
St. Wenefride's wel. Said the one : I can get a
net. Goe, said Scogin, and fetch it, and meet me
behind St. Wenefride's well. Scogin tooke a long
quarter staffe, the which craftily hee had cut more
than halfe asunder. Scogin did look into the
water, and said : hereabout he should bee. Then
said the one to the other : some must leap over.
Hold the staffe, said Scogin. The one of them
tooke the staffe, and pitched it into the water, and
would have lept over. The staffe brooke, and
laid the Scholler in the middle of the water.
Then were the Schollers ready to take him up
with their net, and other policy. Scogin shrunke
G 2
84 The Jests of Scogin.
away, and went home. When the scholler was
taken out of the water, Scogin was asked for, and
no man could tel where he was. The Schollers
went home, and found him out, and said : is this
the pickerell that you would shew us 1 I pray
you, said he, if you have taken him, let me have
part with you. Here a man may see daily, [if] a
man have shrewd turnes, he shall be mocked also
for his labour.
How Scogin sold Powder to kill Fleas. 1
SCOGIN divers times did lacke money, and could
not tell what shift to make. At last, he thought to
play the physician, and did fill a box full of the
powder of a rotten post ; and on a Sunday he went
to a Parish Church, and t6ld the wives that hee
had a powder to kil up all the fleas in the country,
and every wife bought a pennyworth ; and Scogin
went his way, ere Masse was done. The wives
went home, and cast the powder into their beds
(i) Randolph alludes to this story in his Aristippus, or the Jovial
Philosopher, 1630.
" Med. In the Siege of Ostend, I gave the Dutchess of Austria a
Receipt to keep her Smock from being animated, when she had not
shifted it of a twelvemonth.
" i Scholl. Believe me, and that was a cure beyond Scoggin's fleas "
In "An Exact Chronologic of Remarkable Things," printed in Cot-
grave's Wits Interpreter, ed. 1662, p. 390, it is said to have been then
(i.e. in 1662) 81 years "since Scoggin found out his flea powder."
The Jests of Scogin. 85
and in their chambers, and the fleas continued
still. On a time, Scogin came to the same Church
on a Sunday, and when the wives had espied him,
the one said to the other : this is he that deceived
us with the powder to kill fleas ; see, said the one
to the other, this is the selfe-same person. When
Masse was done, the wives gathered about Scogin,
and said : you be an honest man to deceive us
with the powder to kill fleas. Why, said Scogin,
are not your fleas all dead ] We have more now
(said they) than ever we had. I marvell of that,
said Scogin, I am sure you did not use the medi
cine as you should have done. They said : wee
did cast it in our beds and in our chambers. I,
said he, there be a sort of fooles that will buy a
thing, and will not aske what they should doe with
it. I tell you all, that you should have taken every
flea by the neck, and then they would gape ; and
then you should have cast a little of the powder
into every flea's mouth, and so you should have
killed them all. Then said the wives : we have
not onely lost our money, but we are mocked for
our labour. 1
(i) Several of the Stories in the present collection conclude with this
remark.
86 The Jests of Scogin.
How Scogin drew out an old woman's tooth.
THERE was an olde woman that had but one tooth
in her head, and that did ake very sore ; she went
to master Scogin for remedy. Come with me,
Mother, said Scogin, and you shall be healed by
and by. He then got a pack-threed, and went to
the Smith's forge with the woman, and he said to
the Smith : I pray you heate mee a Coulter in
your forge. I will, said the Smith. Then he went
to the old woman, and said : mother, let me see
your tooth, and she did so. He tooke his pack-
threed, and bound it fast about the tooth, and tyed
the other end of the threed at the ring of the
forge-doore, whereas the Smith used to tie his
horses and mares ; and when the culter was glow
ing hot, Scoggin tooke the culter, and ran with it
against the old woman, saying : a w**** ! dost
thou stand here like an old mare 1 I will run thee
through with this hot culter. The woman, being
afraid, gave a braid with her head, and ran her
way, and left her tooth behind her. Scogin ran
after the woman, and she cryed out for helpe (for
shee was afraid that Scogin would have burnt her);
[and] the Smith ran after Scogin for his culter : for
he was afraid that Scogin would run away with it.
Whereby you may see what a terrible thing feare is.
The Jests of Scogin. 87
How Scogin gave one a medicine to make him
go to it.
ON a time, there did a yong man come to Scogin
to have a medicine, saying : sir, I would have a
medicine to make me goe to it lustily (he ment
of Venus acts). Scogin did give him an extreame
purgation. The yong man went to bed with his
lemman; within a while, his belly began to
rumble, and there was no remedy, but hee must
needs go to it so long, that he did defile both the
chamber and the bed, so that he and his lemman
bathed themselves that night in dirt. Wherefore
it is good for all men, when they aske counsell of
any man, to be plaine in their l words, and not to
speake in parables.
How Scogin gave one a medicine to make him
find his horse.
THERE was a man that had lost his horse, and he
came to master Scogin, and said : sir, I here say
that you be a good physician, and I have lost my
horse, and would fain know a remedy how I might
find out my horse. Scogin gave that man such a
purgation that he was constrained to run to every
(i) Old Ed. has his.
88 The Jests of Scogin.
bush and hedge ; and peaking 1 so about here and
there, at last he found his horse. Then he reported
that Scogin was the best physician in the world.
[How] Scogin was robbed as he went to London.
WHEN Scogin did pretend 2 to leave Oxford,, he
went to dwell at London ; and as hee went
towards London, he met with theeves, and they
robbed him. And when he came to London, hee
espied one of the theeves ; and then he said to
the Serjeants of London : yonder man robbed
me, when I came from Oxford. The thiefe had
spied Scogin talking with the Serjeants, and fled
his way. The Serjeants followed the thiefe ; the
thiefe did run, and the Serjeants after. One came
to Scogin, and said : wherefore doe 3 yonder men
run so fast ? Scogin said : for a wager, but the fore
most man hath won, for lately he had all my mony
from me. The Serjeants cryed : hold the thiefe !
The thiefe said : hold me not ; I do run for a wager.
And when he was within St. Martin's, 4 he said : I
have run well now, or else I had beene hanged.
(i) To peak is here equivalent to to peer or pry. See Note to Merie
Tales and Quicke Answeres, No. 35, and also Additional Notes.
(2} i.e. Intend. See Nares, ed. 1859, in -voce.
(3) Old Ed. has doth.
(4) Not St. Martin's in the Fields, but St. Martin's the Great, or
le Grand, which (see Stow's Survey of London, ed. 1720, lib. iii. p. 102),
anciently enjoyed the privileges of a Sanctuary.
The Jests of Scogin. 89
[How] Scogin told his wife he had parbraked l a
crow.
AFTER a while that Scogin came to London, hee
married a yong woman, taking her for a maid, as
other men doe. At last he thought to prove his
wife, and fained himselfe sicke. Oh ! good wife,
saies he, I will shew you a thing, and if you will
promise me to conceale it. His wife said : sir,
you may tell mee what you will ; I were worse than
accursed, if I should disclose your -counsell. O !
wife, said Scogin, I had a great pang to day in my
sicknesse, for I did parbrake and cast out a crow.
A crow, said shee. Yea, said Scogin, God helpe
me ! Be of good comfort, said she, you shall
recover and doe well. Well, wife, said Scogin,
goe to church and pray for me. She went to the
church, and by and by one of her gossips met with
her, and asked how her husband did. I wis, said
she, a sore sick man he is, and like to die : for
there is an evill signe and token in him. What is
that, gossip ? said she. Nay, by gisse, 2 I will not
tell it to any man alive. What, said the woman,
you may tell me, for I will never bewray your
counsell. By gisse, said Scogin's wife, if I wist
(1) i.e. Vomited.
(2) i.e. By Jesus. See, however, note on the word in Nares, ed. 1859.
QO The Jests of Scogin.
that you wold keep my counsel, I wold tel you.
Then said the woman : whatsoever you doe tell,
I will lay it dead under my feet. Oh, said
Scogin's wife, my husband parbraked two crow r s.
Jesus !' said the woman, I never heard of such a
thing. This woman, as she did meet with another
gossip of hers, shewed that Scogin had parbraked
three crowes. So it went from one gossip to another
that, ere mattens were finished, all the parish
knew that Scogin had parbraked twenty crowes ;
and when the priest was ready to goe into the
pulpit, one came to request him and all the parish
to pray for Scogin, for hee had parbraked twenty
crowes. The priest blessed him, and said to the
parishioners: I doe pray you pray for Scogin,
for he is in perill of his life, and hath parbraked
twenty one crowes. By and by, one went to
Scogin, and said : sir, is it as it is spoken in the
Church of you 1 What is that ? said Scogin. The
priest said in the Pulpit, that you parbraked twenty
one crows. Said Scogin : what a lie is this ! By
and by, the bels were told for sacring, and Scogin
hied him to church lustily and merry, and when
the men and women did see him in the church,
they looked one upon another, and marvelled of
this matter. After Masse, Scogin asked what
were they that should bring up such a tale upon
The Jests of Scogin. 91
him. At last the matter was so boulted out, 1 that
the original of the cause began at Scogin's wife.
Here a man may see, that it is hard to trust a
woman with a ma's secrets ; wherefore it is good
to prove a friend, ere one have need.
How Scogin caused his wife to be let blood.
AFTER that Scogin's wife had played this aforesaid
pranke, she used so long to go a gossipping, that
if her husband had spoken any word contrary to
her minde, she would crow against him, that all
the street should ring of it. Scogin thought it was
time to breake his wife of such matters, and said
to her : I would you would take other wayes, or
else I will displease you. Displease me ! said
shee, beware that you doe not displease yourselfe.
Yea, said Scogin, I wil see that one day, how you
will displease me. She still continued in oppro
brious 2 words; at last Scogin called her into a
chamber, and tooke one of his servants with him,
and said to her : dame, you have a little hot and
proud blood about your heart and in your
stomacke, and if it be not let out, it will infect you
and many mo; therefore be content, there is no
remedy but that blood must bee let out. I dene
(i) i.e. Sifted.
(z) Old Ed. has approbrions.
92 The Jests of Scogin.
thee, said Scogin's wife (and was up in the house
top). Yea ? said he ; come, said Scogin to his
servant, and let us bind her to this forme. Shee
scratched and clawed them by the faces, and
spurned with her feet so long, that shee was weary ;
so at the last she was bound hand and foot to the
forme. Now said Scogin to his servant : goe fetch
mee a surgeon, or a barbor 1 that can let blood.
The servant went and brought a surgeon. Scogin
said to him : sir, it is so that my wife is mad and
doth rave, and I have been with physicians, and
they have counselled me to let her blood : she
hath infectious blood about the hart, and I wold
have it out. Sir, said the surgeon, it shall be done.
Scogin said : shee is so mad, that she is bound to a
forme. The better for that, said the surgeon.
When Scogin and the surgeon entred into the
chamber, shee made an exclamation upon Scogin.
Then said Scogin : you may see that my wife is
mad j I pray you let her blood both in the arme
and the foot, and under the tongue. Scogin and
his man held out her arme, and they did open a
veine named Cardica. When shee had bled well :
now stop that veine, said Scogin, and let her blood
under the foot. When shee saw that : sir, said
she, forgive me, and I will never displease you
(i) i.e. What was formerly known as a "barber-surgeon."
The Jests of Scogin. 93
hereafter. Well, said Scogin, if you do so, then I
do thinke it shall be best for us both. By this
tale it proveth, that it is a shrewd hurt that maketh
the body fare the worse, and an unhappy house
where the woman is master.
How Scogin and his wife made an Heire.
ON a time they died 1 in London, and Scogin and
his wife did lie in the countrey, and while hee did
lie there, he did purchase a copihold, and went to
aske counsell of a man of law, saying : I have
purchased a copy-hold, and I am come to aske
your counsell, and I will give you for your labour.
Sir, said the man of law, your copy must be made
under the forme of law, and I counsell you to
make an heire. Sir, said Scogin in this matter, I
will goe home, and aske counsell of my wife, and
to-morrow I will come againe to you. Scogin went
home, and told his wife what the man of law had
said, that the copy must be made under the forme
of law, and that it were good to make an heire.
Then Scogin said : wife, let us goe to bed, and
we will make an heire by and by. They went to
(i) i.e. There was a mortality. There were so many mortalities from
various causes in London about the period when Scogin flourished, that
it is difficult to say to what particular one allusion is here made.
94 The Jests of Scogin.
bed, and Scogin pulled the sheet and the cloaths
over his own head and his wives, and did let a
great ****. Now siste thou, woman, said Scogin,
and we shall have an heire by and by. So long
they lay together, that with stink they were almost
choked. Ah ! said Scogin to his wife, I will buy
no more copihold : for it is nought to make an
heir. On the morrow, Scogin went to the man of
law, saying: sir, be you ready to goe to Westminster?
Wherefore ? said the man of law. Scogin said :
to make my copy. Sir, said the man of law, I can
make it here in my house. Nay, said Scogin, you
said to me yesterday, that it must bee made under
the forme of law, and in Westminster is the best
forme of law in England, and therefore let us
go sit under one of those formes. Tush ! said the
man of law, the copy must be made according to
the law, and, beside you and your wife, set in the
copy one of your children. Why, said Scogin,
you bad me make an heire, and I and my wife
made such an heir in our beds yesternight, that
shee and I were almost poysoned. Whereby it
appeares, the mis-hearing of a tale maketh mis
understanding. Therefore plaine speech is best,
although Scogin knew what was spoken, and turned
it to a jest.
The Jests of Scogin. 95
How Scogin got the Abbot's horse.
ON a time, Scogin was sent for to the abbot of
Bury, to pastime with him j 1 where he fell sicke
and like to die, whereupon he was shriven and
would have beene hoasted, and hee durst not for
fear of casting. 2 The abbot said : Crede and
manducasti, 3 that is to say, beleeve, and thou hast
received. When Scogin recovered, the abbot sent
him his owne horse to ride home on. Scogin sent
not home the Abbot's horse, wherefore the Abbot
sent for his horse, but Scogin answered the messen
ger, and said : when I was sicke at home with your
master, I would have received the holy sacrament
of the Altar, and he bad me beleeve 4 and I had
received the sacrament of the Altar. So in like
manner let him believe, that he hath received his
horse, and it is sufficient ; and tel him his horse he
shal never have. By this a man may perceive,
that a man should not lend his horse, nor his
(1) Old Ed. has them.
(2) i.e. Of breathing his last, or expiring. Last cast and last gasp
are sometimes found used as synonymous terms. " Sir Thomas Bodley
is even now at the last cast, and hath lain speechless and without know
ledge since yesterday at noon." Letter dated 1612, quoted in the last
ed. of Nares.
(3) Manduco literally signifies to chew, hence to receive the con
secrated wafer.
(4) There is an ellipsis here. The meaning is : "he bad me beleeve
that I had, c. saying that then I had, c."
g6 The Jests of Scogin.
weapon, nor his wife, to no man, if he love him-
selfe or his owne profit : for by it never commeth
gaine. 1
How Scogin brought a dog's **** made in pow
der to the apothecaries, to know what powder
it was.
WHEN that Scogin did lie sicke at Bury, he sent to
the Apothecaries of London for many medicines,
and some were bitter, and some were sower, and
some sweet. When he was recovered and made
whole, and at home in his owne house, he walked
about the fields, and found uppon a mole-hill a
white dog's ****. Hee put it in a napkin, and after
that he dried it in an oven, and made it into
powder, and went to the apothecaries in London,
and said : my friend hath sent me a powder to eat,
and I cannot tell what it is. The apothecaries 2
tasted it, and they could not tel what powder it
should be. At last he came to an old apothecary,
and said : sir, I pray you tell me what powder this
is. The old apothecary tasted it, and spit it out
againe, and said : fie ! cocks bodykins, 3 that is
a ****. O ! good Lord, said Scogin, cunning is
(i) Old Ed. \a&gaines. (2) Old Ed. has apothecary.
(3) Old Ed. has bodykims.
The Jests of Scogin. 97
worth much money ; your fellowes here in the city
have good mouthes to tast lamp oyle, and you
have judged right. Here a man may see that
divers times a man shall not onely have a shrewd
turne, but a mocke for his labour.
How Scogin did draw a tooth-drawer's tooth.
ON a time there went a tooth-drawer round about
the country with a banner ful of teeth (as blind 1
physitians and surgeons doe now-a-dayes) the which
tooth-drawer said, he wold draw out a tooth with
out any paine, which was false, for when he pulled
out some men's teeth he pulled out a piece of the
cheek bone ; and tooke many men's money, and
did much harme and little good. At the last he
came to Scogin's house j and Scogin, hearing of
his doings, caused him to come in, and said : sir,
you be called a cunning drawer of a tooth. I have
paine in a tooth, and I would it were out of my
head. Sir, said the tooth-drawer, if you will, I
will have it out without any paine. I pray you,
said Scogin, how will you doe 1 Sir, sayd he, I
will raise the flesh about the tooth, and then with
a strong threed I will pull it out. Sir, said Scogin,
I can pul out a tooth so, and because you say it is
(i) ? Tipling or tipsy. See Nares, ed. 1859, in voce.
2. H
98 The Jests of Scogin.
no paine to pul out a tooth so, I wil first pull out
one of your teeth. Nay, sir, said the tooth-drawer,
I have no paine in my teeth. Although you have
not, said Scogin, I will pull a tooth out of your
head, and if you have no paine, you shall have an
Angell for your tooth ; but if you have paine, you
shall have nothing. Sir, said the tooth-drawer,
I will have none of my teeth pulled out. Scogin
said to his servant : bring me a paire of manacles,
for surely I will pull out one of thy teeth, e're that
thou shalt pul out one of mine ; therefore sit down,
and take it patiently, lest thou be put to greater
pains. The tooth-drawer sate him downe with an
evil will, and Scogin did raise the flesh about the
tooth-drawer's tooth, that it was in such a case,
that the water did runne downe the tooth-drawer's
eyes. Scogin said : doth the water runne forth of
your eyes for joy or for paine ? The Tooth-drawer
said : for joy, for I trust to get an Angell of you.
Bee it, said Scogin. Scogin did knit a strong
threed about the tooth-drawer's tooth, and gave it
a great twitch. Oh ! said the tooth-drawer. What !
do you feel pain? said Scogin. Yea, said the
tooth-drawer, you pull not quickly. Then said
Scogin : you have lost your Angell. Nay, said the
tooth-drawer. Well, said Scogin, the tooth shall
come now, I trow ; and Scogin did twitch and pul
The Jests of Scogin. 99
hard at the tooth, and pulled it out. Out, alasse !
said the tooth-drawer. Why, said Scogin, cry you
out? Marry, saith the tooth-drawer, the devill
would cry out of this paine. Sir, said Scogin, you
taught me how I should doe, and you have lost
your Angel ; and seeing your cunning is no better,
I will have never a tooth pulled out now : and if
you pull any of my neighbour's teeth after such
sort as you have done, if you come in my walke,
I will pull out all the teeth in your head. Eat and
drink e ere you go, and so farewell.
How Scogin served the poore folkes that came to
his house to aske almes.
WHILES Scogin did lye thus in the country, there
resorted to his house vagabonds and common
beggers, and when hee did see hee could not be
rid of them, he said : come this day fortnight, for
then I doe give money for my friend's soule.
Scogin had an old barne that was ready to fall
downe, and in the meane time hee stopped all
the holes with firre bushes, broome, old fearne
and straw, and laid such trumpery about the barne.
The day appointed, all the vagabonds and beggers
in the country resorted unto Scogin's house, and
as they did come, they were put into the barne, and
H 2
ioo The Jests of Scogin.
[Scogin] said they should have their almes within a
while. Scogin kept them fasting till three or foure
of the clocke in the afternoon e, and then he com
manded his servant privily to set fire on the straw
and the furres round about the barne, which was
done. At last, when the vagabonds and beggers
did see that they were compassed round with fire,
they said one to another : we must run through
the fire in some place, or else we shall be burnt
up. So some ran through the fire in one place,
and some in another, and durst not look behind
them. Scogin cryed, saying : tarry, w****sons and
w****s, you have set my barn on fire, you shall
be hanged every one ! They fled for feare, and
never durst come againe to Scogin's house for
almes. Here a man may see every promise is
kept or else broken, and it is good for every man
to keepe himselfe out of the danger of all men,
and especially of great men.
How Scogin came to the courte like a foole, and
wonne twenty pounds by standing vnder a spout
in the raine.
WHEN Scogin had dwelt in the country, he re
turned againe to London, and fell acquainted with
gentlemen of the king's privy chamber, which
The Jests of Scogin. 101
would faine that he should come to the court,
and they would bring him into the king's service.
Scogin was more beholding to one gentleman then
to all the other, and said to him : sir, I will come
to the court like a dizard or foole, and when that
I come, I will aske for you, and when that we doe
meet, call me aside, that I may speake with you.
So on a rainy day Scogin came to the court like a
foole, and the king's porters asked what he would
have ; and hee said : my fellow sir Nevill. What
manner of man is he ? said the porters. Scogin
said : he hath a nose, and goeth up and downe on
two legges. Then said the porters : this is a
starke ideot foole ; doest thou know thy master 1
said the porter, and if thou seest him 1 I know
him, said Scogin, by his cap. Then said the
porters the one to the other : who doe you thinke
should be this foole's master? Some said one,
some said another ; at the last one said : I trow
hee bee Sir William Neuil's 1 foole. When Scogin
heard him say so, hee leapt about, and did laugh.
Then one of the porters went to Sir William
Neuill, and asked him if hee had not a foole.
Yes, said Sir William Neuill. Marry, said the
(i) It is scarcely likely that Sir William Neville, youngest son of the
ist Earl of Westmoreland, of that family, can be intended here : for he
died in 1462.
IO2 The Jests of Scog in.
porter, it is a mad, merry foole. Yea, said Sir
William Nevill, hee is a very ideot, he is not wise.
Said the porter : shall hee come to you ? Nay,
said Sir William Nevill, I will goe myselfe to the
foole. When Sir William Nevill and Scogin did
meet, Sir William Nevill said : A ! Tom, 1 how dost
thou ? (it rained sore) and Scogin said : I cannot
bee in rest, for these knaves doe powre water still
upon me, and no man touched him, but the rain
that fell down. Well, Tom, said Sir William
Nevill, come with me, and thou shalt goe to the
fire, and dry thee. He brought him to his chamber,
and then said Scogin to Sir William Nevill : goe,
and say you have a naturall foole come to you,
and if he were set under one of the spouts that
doe runne so fast with rain-water, he will not come
out j and make some great wager with some great
man, and lay downe the money, that I will stand
still under the spout, untill the time that I bee
fetcht away by you : for I lacke money, and I care
not, said Scogin, to be wet. Then Sir William went
round about the court with his foole, and another
knight met with him, and said : what ! have you
got a foole? Yea, said Sir William Nevill, hee
is such a foole, that if hee bee set under one of
(i) Sir William was not necessarily ignorant of Scogin's Christian name
John, but merely used Tom as a sort of generic appellation.
The Jests of Scogin. 1 03
these spouts of the leads that runneth now with
raine water, hee will never come away, untill I
doe fetch him out of it. It is not so ! said the
knight. Yes, said Sir William Nevill ; and on that
I will lay twenty pound. I hold it, said the
knight : lay downe the money. Scogin was glad
of that. Then Sir William Nevill said : Tom,
come with me, and thou shalt have a figge. A fig,
fellow, said Scogin, where is it 1 Come, said Sir
William Nevill, and thou shalt see. He brought
him under one of the spouts that did runne with
water, and said : here is water to wash thy figge
stand stil, and I will bring thee a fig by and by.
Sir William Nevill departed, and Scogin stood
so long under the spout, crying and calling for his
fellow, Sir William Neuill, that the water ranne
out at his heeles and his breeches, as fast as it did
falle into his necke, and upon his head and body,
still calling and crying upon his fellow, Sir William
Neuill. The knight, seeing this, thought hee should
lose his bargaine, [and he] said to Sir William
Neuill : will you give mee leave to entice him away
by any craft or policy? Yea, said Sir William
Neuill, I am pleased ; doe what you can, so that
by no strength you take him away. Nay, said the
knight, that I wil not. The knight went to Scogin,
and said : A, Tom, thy master hath left thee alone,
IO4 The Jests of Scogin.
and is dead, come with me to a fire, and dry thee.
Tehee, said Scogin, fellow hoe, where art thou 1 ?
Why, said the knight, thy fellow is dead, come
and eat figs with me. Nay, said Scogin, my fellow
will give me a better fig than you will. The
knight meant of a figge, but Scogin meant of the
money that was laid on the bargaine, in the which
hee did knowe that his part was, so that by no
manner of meanes, nor policy, or craft, no man
could get Scogin from standing under the spout.
Every man pitied Scogin, and said : this foole
will dye under the spout. Then said the knight
and every man : goe you, master Nevill, and fetch
him away, for it is a foole of all fooles. Then
said Sir William Nevill : if I fetch him away,
I have wonne the bargain. The knight said :
it is so. Then Sir William Nevill went to Scogin,
and as soon as Scogin had espyed him, he leapt
and danced under the spout, saying : hast thou
brought my fig? No, Tom, said Sir William
Nevill, but come with me, and thou shalt goe to
a fire. Nay, said Scogin, give mee a fig. Come
with me, said Sir William Nevill, and thou shalt
have a fig. Sir William Nevill brought him to his
chamber, where he had a good fire, and gave him
the wager that was won.
The Jests of Scogin. 1 05
How Scogin leapt over the tables, when dinner
was done.
SCOGIN did marke the fashions of the court, and
amongst all other things hee did marke how men
did leape over the table in the king's hall to sit
downe at dinner and supper, which 1 is not used
now. Scogin seeing this, that as many as did sit
at the table had meat, and they that stood in the
hall beside had none, all that time he made shift
for himselfe. And when dinner was done, and all
the tables taken up, Scogin set out trestles, and
leapt over them, and leapt over the tables, and
leapt from one table to another, that every body
marvelled what he meant. At last one did aske
of him what hee meant by leaping ouer the tables.
Scogin said : I doe learn against supper to leape to
sit downe : for he that cannot leap, getteth no
meat here. Therefore [it is well] to forecast, and
some provision is good at all times.
How Scogin gave one a goose legge, that was giuen
him, and afterward told him he had eaten an
hundred lice.
IN the court one gave Scogin a goose leg, saying :
(i) It is to be remembered that these Jests were not printed till at
least half a century after the period at which they purport to have
taken place.
io6 The Jests of Scogin.
hold, Tom, eat this. Hee put it in his bosome. At
last he came to one, and gave him the goose leg,
and within a while after, Scogin met with the man
unto whom he had given the goose leg, and said
to him : hast thou eaten the goose-leg ? The man
said, yea. Much good do it thee, said Scogin,
thou hast eaten an hundred lice. The man took
a conceit, and did cast up all his meat againe.
Here it is good to mark that a man beleeve not
every word that another doth speake, for some doe
lie, some doe jest, some doe mock, and some doe
scorne, and many men doe saye the very truth.
How Scogin swept a Lord's Chamber.
SCOGIN on a time was desired to sweepe a Lord's
Chamber, and when he had swept al the dust to
gether, hee threw it out against the wind, and the
wind blew it againe into his face. Then said Scogin
to the wind : let me cast out my dust, whorson, I
say. Every man laughed at Scogin, seeing him to
chide with the wind.
How Scogin told those that mocked him, that hee
had a wall-eye.
SCOGIN went up and downe in the king's hall, and
his hosen hung downe, and his coat stood awry,
The Jests of Scogin. 107
and his hat stood a booujour, so every man did
mocke Scogin. Some said he was a proper man
and did wear his rayment cleanly : some said, the
whorson foole could not put on his owne rayment :
some said one thing, and some said another. At
last Scogin said : masters, you have praised me wel,
but you did not espy one thing in me. What is
that, Tom, said the men? Marry, said Scogin, I
have a wall eye. What meanest thou by that?
said the men. Marry, said Scogin, I have spyed a
sort of knaues that doe mocke me, and are worse
fooles themselues. 1
How Scogin drew his sonne vp and downe the
Court.
I
AFTER this, Scogin went from the Court, and put
off his foole's garments and came to the Court
like an honest man, and brought his son to the
Court with him, and within the Court, he drew
his sonne vp and downe by the heeles. The boy
cried out, and Scogin drew the boy in every cor
ner. At last every man had pity on the boy, and
said : sir, what doe you meane, to draw the boy
about the Court. Masters, said Scogin, he is my
sonne, and I doe it for this cause. Every man
doth say, that that man or child which is drawne
(i) Compare A C Mery Talys, No. 51.
io8 The Jests of Scogin.
vp in the Court shall be the better as long as hee
lives ; and therefore I will euery day once draw
him vp and downe the Court, after that hee may
come to preferment in the end.
How Scogin greased a fat Sow on the ****.
SCOGIN had got a fat sow, and killed her under
the Court wall, besides the king's gate ; hee made a
great fire, and got a great spit, and put the sow on
the spit, and rested her, and bought twenty pounds
of butter, and still hee powred the butter with a
ladle on the sowe's buttocks. 1 Diuers men came
to him : and said, why dost thou grease this fat sow
on the **** 1 He said : I doe as kings and lords
and every man else doth : for he# that hath
enough shall haue more, and hee that hath no
thing shall go without, and this sow needeth no
basting nor greasing, for she is fat enough, yet
shall shee haue more than enough.
How the King gave Scogin a house to doe what he
would with it.
SCOGIN, through Sir William Neuil's procuration or
preferment, was brought to the king's presence.
The king said to him : art thou he that did playe
(i) See Taylor's Works, 1630, ii. 235.
The Jests of Scogin. 109
the foole in my Court, and didst leape to and fro
in my Hall over the tables % Yea, and it like your
Grace, said Scogin. And art thou hee that did
grease the fat sow on the **** ? Yea, said Scogin.
And why didst thou so 1 said the king. Scogin
said : I doe as your Grace doth, and all your lords,
as well spirituall as temporall, and as all rich men
doe, which doe give to them that haue enough
more then enough ; and hee which hath nothing,
except hee bee an importunate craver, shall goe
without, and unlesse that hee have some man to
speake for him, hee may goe pipe in an ivy
leafe. Why, said the king, what liuing hast thou ?
Nothing, said Scogin, nor never a house of mine
owne to put my head in ; would God, said Scogin,
that I might have some cottage to dwell in. The
king said : if thou wilt bee my servant, I will give
thee a house in Cheapside. I thanke your Grace,
said Scogin, but I pray you give it me, so that I
may doe with my house what I will. Yea, said
the king, make thy writings after thine owne mind,
with the best counsel that thou canst, and it shal
be sealed. Scogin was glad of that, and he did
make to do with his house what hee would, his
writings [being] sealed with the king's sign manual.
A little after the sealing, Scogin did buy a load of
firres and two load of straw, and did cause it to
no
The Jests of Scogin.
bee cast downe in Cheapeside before the house
that the king did give him. Divers men did
marvell what it should meane. And within a while
Scogin, with his men of law and other, did come
to the house to take possession ; after the forme
of law he tooke possession. Then said Scogin :
this house is old, and to pul it downe were a great
cost and charge ; wherefore I will burne it vp with
these firres and straw ; peradventure I will make
of it a Church or Chappell, that a Priest may sing
for mee, so long as the world doth continue. Goe,
said Scogin to his servants, and fetch me hither
some men to carry into my house straw and firres.
Sir, said the good man of the house, I pray
take a little respite, I have goods in your house,
and you cannot burne your house, but you shall
hurt the whole street. What is that to me, said
Scogin, I have no charter of my life 1 I am about
a charitable act for my soules health, for charity
first must bee shewed to a man's owne selfe, and
after that to his neighbour. Sir, said the merchant
that was good man of the house, let it stand, and
I and my neighbours will give you as much as it
is worth. Nay, said Scogin, I will not sell it.
Then said the merchant : what shall I and my
neighbours give you to let it stand still, and I
will pay you more then it was rented for before.
The Jests of Scogin, 1 1 1
There goeth a bargaine, said Scogin goe to all
your neighbours, and bring me word what they
will give me. The neighbours did cast their heads
together, and, considering that hee was, as they
thought, in the king's favour, would gladly give
him 40 pounds. When Scogin heard these tidings,
he was glad, and said : come, bring mee the money,
and I am contented that my house shall stand still,
so that it may bee over rented according to my
tenant's promise. Thus Scogin by policy got
money.
How Scogin played Horse-play 1 in the Q. chamber.
SCOGIN said on a time to the Queene 2 then being :
madam, and it like your Grace, will you have
horse-play playd in your chamber 1 Yea, said the
Queene. Scogin untrussed his points, and put
downe his breeches, as if he would have bewrayed
the chamber, and then kicked with his heeles, and
said, wehee. Then hee said to his servant : come
and combe me here, and then turne and kicke
and winse with thy heeles, and say : wehee. Out,
(1) i.e. Rough or coarse play. It is so used by Dryden. See Wor
cester's Diet, in voce.
(2) As the adventures of Scogin or Scoggin appear to have extended
over a series of years, it is impossible to determine whether the lady here
intended was the consort of Edward IV., Richard III., or Henry VII.
H2 The Jests of Scogin.
knave, said the Queen, out of my chamber. Scogin
went out of the chamber, saying, that he did it not
but by her leaue ; and with her leaue hee might
doe her a great peece of service. After that the
queen would have no more horse-play in her cham
ber. Therefore it is good for a man to know what
will happen, before hee give leave to a businesse.
How Scogin let a *' '**, and sayd it was worth forty
pounds.
THAT time that Scogin was conversant both in
the King's 1 chamber and in the Queenes, Scogin
would peake here and there about in the queenes
chamber or lodging, the Queene by custome (as
most commonly all great women and ladies and
gentlewomen doe) shee let a ****, saying : the
same is worth to mee twenty pounds. Scogin,
hearing this, girt out a **** like a horse or
mare, saying : if that **** be so deare of twenty
pound, my **** is worth forty pounds. Here a
man may see that a knave may doe that which an
honest man may not speake.
(i) The difficulty referred to in the last note is equally great here :
for between 1480 and 1490, when Scoggin's exploits were in the course
of performance, there were no fewer than three changes in the
government.
The Jests of Scogin. 1 1 3
How Scogin asked of the King five hundred Okes.
ON a time, Scogin said to the king then being : and
if it shall please your Grace to give me five hun
dred okes to build me a house in the country, I
were much bound to your Grace. The king said :
will not an hundred okes serve thee ? Yes, and it
like your Grace, said Scogin, it would do me good
ease. Well, sayd the king, as for an hundred
okes, thou shalt have with the better. I doe
thanke your Grace, said Scogin, for if I had asked
but an hundred okes at the first, I had had but
twenty. Therefore it is good to aske enough of
great men, for then he shall have somewhat.
How Scogin would have made a Shepheard aske
him blessing.
ON a certaine time, the king rode a progresse, and
Scogin rode with the king, and as they did ride,
Scogin spied a shepheard, and then hee said to
the king : I will make yonder shepheard to aske
me blessing, for I will face him downe, that I am
his godfather. Let me see that, said the king.
Scogin did pricke forth his horse, and saluted the
shepheard, saying : good fellow, where wert thou
borne. He said : in Tewksbury. Yea, said Scogin,
114 The Jests of Scogin.
I doe know that better than thou dost, for I am
thy godfather \ I am he that did lift thee from the
cold water. Nay, not so, said the fellow, I know
my godfather. Scogin said : I am one of them ;
therefore sit down on thy knees, and ask mee
blessing, and thou shalt have a groat. Nay, sayd
the shepheard, I will none of your groat, nor I
will sit down on my knees. No ! said Scogin ; if
thou wilt not sit downe and aske mee blessing,
I will make thee, therefore do it by faire meanes.
I will, sayd the shepheard, aske of thee no bless
ing. Scogin leapt downe off his horse, and drew
out his wood-knife, saying : sit downe, thou old
knave, and doe thy duty to thy godfather. The
shepheard said : put up thy knife, or else I will
blesse thee with my 1 sheep-hook. Yea! said Sco
gin, that would I faine see. Scogin did flie at the
shepheard, and the shepheard at him, that at the
last, Scogin did bear off the shepheard's blowes
with his head and shoulders and elbowes. The
king, seeing that Scogin had the worst, said : stand
to him, Scogin, stand to him, Scogin. Scogin
answered the king : I would you stood as nigh to
him as I doe, for then he would not only beat out
all the dust in your coat, but make some of your
gingles flye about your face. Scogin was weary of
(i) Old Ed. has me.
The Jests of Scogin. 1 1 5
his god-fathership, and ran to his horse. The
shepheard followed him, and gave him three or
foure good stripes over the backe and shoulders,
saying : take your leave, good godfather, of your
child, ere you goe. Scogin leapt upon his horse,
and rode to the king. Then the king said to
Scogin : have you given your blessing to your god-
sonne, or hath your godsonne blessed you ? Then
said Scogin : a man cannot have a shrewd turne,
but he must be also mocked for his labour. Here
a man may see, that divers times a man may do a
thing in sport, and at the last it doth turne into
good earnest.
How Scogin gave a Cowheard forty shillings to
teach him his cunning in the weather. 1
ON a time, as Scogin was riding to the abbot of
Bury, he asked of a cowheard, how far it was to
Bury. The cowheard said : twenty miles. May I,
said Scogin, ride thither to night ? Yea, said the
cowheard, if you ride not too fast, and also if you
ride not a good pace, you will be wet, ere you
come halfe way there. As Scogin was riding on
his way, he did see a cloud arise that was blacke,
and being afraid to be wet, he spurred his horse,
(i) Compare A C Mery Talys, No. 82, and see Introduction to
same, vii.
I 2
1 1 6 The Jests of Scogin.
and did ride a great pace, and riding so fast, his
horse stumbled and strained his lege, and might
not goe. Scogin, revolving in his mind the cow-
heard's words, did set up his horse at a poore
man's house, and returned to the cowheard, sup
posing that he had beene a good astronomer,
because hee said : if you ride not too fast, you may
be at Bury to-night, and also if you doe not ride
fast, you shal be wet, ere you come there. Scogin
said to the cowheard : what shall I give thee to
tell mee when I shall have raine or faire weather 1
There goeth a bargain, said the cowheard ; what
wilt thou give mee 1 Scogin said : twenty shillings.
Nay, said the cowheard, for forty shillings I will
tell you and teach you, but I will bee paid first.
Hold the money, said Scogin. The cowheard said :
sir, doe you see yonder cow with the cut taile 1
Yea, said Scogin. Sir, said the cowheard, when
that she doth begin to set up her rumpe, and
draw to a hedge or bush, within an houre after
you shall have raine ; therfore take the cow with
you, and keepe her as I doe, and you shall ever
be sure to know when you shall have faire weather
or foule. Nay, said Scogin, keepe thy cow still,
and give me twenty shillings of my mony. That
is of my gentlenes, said the cowheard; howbeit
you seem to bee an honest man, there is twenty
The Jests of Scogin. 1 1 7
shillings. Here a man may see, that wit is never
good, till it be bought.
How a man told Scogin, that he thought the build
ing of Paules cost forty shillings.
ON a time a poore man did come to London to
speake with Scogin, and Scogin had him to Paules
church to talke with him, and both walked round
about the church. The poore man said : here is a
goodly church. Yea, said Scogin ; what doe you
thinke it coste making 1 The poore husbandman
said : I trow it cost vorty shilling. Yea, said Scogin,
that it did, and vorty shilling thereto. Ho there,
said the poor man. Here a man may see, that
little portion of money is a great sum in a poore
mans purse ; and he that is ignorant in a matter,
should be no judge.
Of him that thought Paules steeple had beene so
high, that one might looke over it.
THIS aforesaid poore man desired that hee might
see Paules steeple, that every one said was so
high. Scogin had the man into Finsbury field, and
shewed him Pauls, saying : yonder is Pauls Steeple.
Tush ! said the man, is that so high a steeple ? A
man may looke over it. The poore man thought
i r 8 The Jests of Scogin.
it had beene so high, that no man might see or
looke over it. And thus you may see what the
effect of simplicity is. 1
How Scogin desired the King that hee might say,
Ave Maria gratia plena Dominus tecum in his
eare at certaine times. 2
Ox a certain time, Scogin went to the Kings grace,
& did desire that he might come to him divers
times & sound in his eares : Ave Maria gratia
plena Dominus tecum. The King was content he
should doe so, except hee were in great businesse.
Nay, said Scogin, I will marke my time; I pray
your Grace, that I may do thus this twelvemoneth.
I am pleased, said the King. Many men were
suters to Scogin to bee good to them, and did give
him many gifts and rewards of gold and silver, &
other gifts \ so that, within the yeere, Scogin was a
great rich man. So when this yeere was out,
Scogin desired the King to breake his fast with
(i) The force of this jest was no doubt greater when St. Paul's,
though not by any means so lofty as at present, was higher than it now
is in proportion to the comparatively dwarfish buildings by which it was
surrounded. The prodigious altitude of the old church was a subject of
general wonder even in the reign of Henry VIII.: for in Vulgaria,
1530, 4, the author says : " Poule's steple is a mighty great thing, & so
hye that unnetha man maydiscerne the wether-cocke."
(2.) This story is not in Thackeray's ed.
The Jests of Scogin. 119
him. The King said : I will come. Scogin had
prepared a Table for the King to breake his fast,
& made him a goodly cubboard of plate of gold
and silver, & hee had cast over all his beds and
tables & corners of his chamber full of gold and
silver. When the King did come thither, & see so
much plate and gold and silver, he asked of Scogin
where he had it, and how he did get all this
treasure. Scogin said : by saying the Ave Maria
in your eare j and seeing I have got so much by
it, what doe they get that be about your Grace
daily, and bee of your counsell, when that I with
sixe words speaking have gotten so much? He
must needs swim, that is held up by the chin.
How Scogin chalked out his wife the way to
Church. 1
ON a time Scogin's wife desired him that hee
would let her have a man to goe before her when
shee went abroad or to Church. Why, said Sco
gin, know you not the way to church 1 The next
Sunday he arose betime in the morning, and tooke
a peece of chalke, and made a strike all along
(i) This anecdote is appropriated by the Editor of the Pleasant Con
ceits of Old Hobson, the Merry Londoner, 1607, who reproduces it as
an incident in the life of Hobson.
1 20 The Jests of Scogin.
the way from his house to the church. When his
wife would goe to the church, shee desired him
again that one of his servants might goe before
her to church. It shall not need, said Scogin, for
if you follow this chalk, it will bring you the right
way to the church doore. So Scogin' s wife was
faine to goe to church without a man.
How Scogin desired of the Queene, to know
whether Riches would not tempt Men, and
especially Women.
ON a time, Scogin was jesting with the queene,
and said : Madam, riches, as gold, silver, precious
stones and dignity doe tempt men, and especially]
women, very sore, and cause women to fall to
lechery and folly. The queene said, a good woman
would never bee tempted with gold or silver, or
other riches. I pray you Madam, said Scogin, if
there were a goodly lord, or a knight, that would
give you forty thousand pound to dally with you,
what would you say to it ? The queene said : if
any man living would give an hundred thousand
pounds, I would not leese l my honesty for it.
Then said Scogin : what if a man did give you a
thousand hundred thousand pounds, what would
(i) i.e. lose.
The Jests of Scogin. 12 1
you doe 1 I would, said the queene, doe no folly
for so much. Then said Scogin : what if a man
did give you this house full of gold ? The queene
said : a woman would doe much for that. Loe,
said Scogin, if a man had goods enough, he might
have a soveraigne Lady. For the which words the
queen tooke highe displeasure with Scogin. wher-
fore it doth appeare, that it is not good jesting
with lords or ladies : for if a man be plain e, or
doe tell the truth, hee shall be shent for his
labour.
How Scogin when he shoulde have beene beaten
amongst the Ladies and Gentlewomen, bad
the strongest w**** of them all give the first
stroke. 1
THE queene, taking high displeasure with Scogin,
desired of the king to have Scogin punished. The
king said : punish him as it shall please you. The
queene said to her ladies and gentlewomen : get
every one of you a napkin, and lay a stone in it,
and let halfe of you stand at the one side of the
(i) This is a very old story. See Dunlop's History of Fiction, 11, 217
(zd Edit.). In a Collection of Ana, Amst. 1709, 12, the jest is applied
to Jean de Meum, continuator of Guillaume de Lorris in the Roman de
la Rose. The former, in a similar manner, escapes a whipping destined
for him by the ladies for certain incivilities offered to their sex in his
writings.
122 The Jests of Scogin.
chamber, and the other halfe at the other side, and
when that Scogin shall come through, you shal
strik him with your stones. Scogin was sent for,
and he seeing the queene and the ladies and the
gentlewomen, standing at every side on a row,
Scogin said : shall we have here a play or a pro
cession? Nay, knave, said the queene, thou hast
divers times played the knave with me, and I have
licence of the king to punish thee, as I shall thinke
best ; wherfore come hither to me, for every lady
and gentlewoman that is here shall beat thee with
stones. God forbid, said Scogin, for then you will
kill me ; it were better that I did beat you with
stones. But, Madam, ere I have this great punish
ment, let me speak a few words ; shall I put off
my rayment, and come naked among you ? No,
not so, said the queen, come through as thou art.
And if I goe through you, said Scogin, I shall kill
you. Come forth, said the queene. I come, said
Scogin, and the strongest w**** of you all strike
the first stroke. The ladies and the gentlewomen
looked one upon another ; one said : I am no w****,
the other said : I am as honest of my body as the
best of you all ; so there fell a contention among
them. Then Scogin said : madam, and it like your
grace, will .you command mee any more service ?
Goe, knave, said the queene, and bid thy wife
The Jests of Scogin. 123
come and speake with me. Scogin said : and it
like your grace, my wife cannot heare, except you
speak very high. Let her come, said the queen,
and I will deale with her well enough.
How Scogin's Wife came to the Queene, and how
Scogin was banished the Court.
WHEN Scogin's wife came to the court, shee was
brought to the Queene. The Queene with a high
voyce said to Scogin's wife : art thou Scogin's wife?
Scogin had shewed his wife before, that the
Queene could not heare, and she cryed out to the
queen, and said : yea, madam, I am Scogin's wife.
The Queene cryed out to Scogin's wife, and said :
if thou bee no honester then thy husband, it is
pity that thou shouldest live; wherfore counsel
him, that he do not rail so largely as hee doth with
me. Scogin's wife cryed out to the queen, saying :
and it like your Grace, he wil not be ruled by me.
Why dost thou cry out so loud? said the queen.
Madam, said Scogin's wife, my husband shewed me
that you could not heare. Why, what a knave is that !
said the queen ; he told me that thou couldst not
heare. Alas, said Scogin's wife, I aske you mercy,
for I had thought you could not heare. Well,
said the queene, I will be even with the varlet thy
1 24 The Jests of Scogin.
husband, for mocking thee and me. Whereupon
the Queene went to the King, saying : I pray your
grace that you would banish Scogin from the court.
The King sent for Scogin, and said : thou hast
displeased the queen, wherefore I doe banish thee
the court ; and if thou doe come hither any more,
my hounds and dogs shall be set upon thee. Sco
gin went his way, and within two or three daies he
had got a quick hare, and was going to the court.
When the King's servants had espied him, they
shewed the king, that Scogin was come to the court.
The King said : take all the hounds and dogs, and
set them upon Scogin. Every man did run, some
with hounds, and some with dogs. Scogin made
no great hast. When the king's servants had
espied him, they did maintaine their dogges to
runne at Scogin. When the hounds were nigh
Scogin, he cast before them the quick hare, and
said to the hounds : now, now, w****sons ! The
hounds espied the hare, and followed her, and left
Scogin ; so Scogin went to the court, and the hare
escaped from the hounds. The king's servants
shewed what Scogin had done ; whereupon the
king sent for Scogin, and said : thou didst cast a
hare before the dogges, when they were set upon
thee ; goe and looke out the said hare, or else thou
shalt suffer death. Then said Scogin : I can get
The Jests of Scogin. 1 2 5
you another quicke hare, but it will bee hard for
me to find out the selfe-same hare. I wil have the
selfe-same hare, said the king. Why, said Scogin,
I cannot tell where or whither I should goe to
looke him. The king said : thou must look him as
well where he is not, as where he is. Wei, said
Scogin, then I trust to find him out. Scogin in the
morning did goe upon the king's leades, and tooke
with him a pick-axe and a great beetle, and over
the king he tore up the leades, and did beat down
the battlement. One 1 of the privy chamber,
seeing this, went to Scogin, and said : what art
thou doing, thou mad fellow 1 What am I doing 1
said Scogin, I am doing the king's commandment.
Why, said the gentleman, the king did not com-
mande thee to cast downe his palace. Wei, said
Scogin, if I doe otherwise then I was commanded
to doe, shew your mind to the king. The gentle
man went to the king, and said : did you command
Scogin to cast downe the battlement of your
palace, and to pull up your lead ? Nay, said the
King. The gentleman said, that Scogin was
making a foule worke upon the leades. Go, said
the king, and bid him come speake with me. Sco
gin came to the king, which said to him : why didst
thou pull up my lead, and cast down the battlement
i) Old Ed. has some.
126 The Jests of Scogin.
of my p[a]lace ? Scogin said : I was doing your com-
mandement My comman dement ! said the king.
Yea, said Scogin, and it like your Grace : for yester
day you did command me upon paine of my life to
looke out the hare that I did cast among your hounds,
and I said I could not tell where I shoulde looke
him; and you said I must looke him as wel where
he was not, as where he was ; and peradventure he
is crept under the leads of this place, or else some
other of your places ; and I will seeke and search
all the places in England, but I will find out the hare.
Nay, said the king, thou shalt not doe so : for I
charge thee, upon paine of thy death, to goe out
of my Realme, and to tread upon none of my
ground here in England.
How Scogin in the French King's Court came to a
Gentlewoman's doore, and whined like a dog,
WHEN Scogin was thus commanded by the King,
hee got him into France into the French king's
court, and there he jested. And first, there was a
gentleman which made a gentlewoman promise to
come to her bed at nine o'clock at night ; he did l
promise to come to her chamber-doore, and would
scrape and scratch at the doore like a dog, and
(i) Old Ed. has did Ae.
The Jests of Scogin. 127
would whine. Scogin, hearing this bargaine, before
nine a clock came to the doore, and scrapt with
his nailes, and did whine like a dog. Then the
gentlewoman did rise and let him in. Within a
little while after, the gentleman did come, and
scrape and whine at the door like a dog. Scogin
arose and went to the doore, and said : arre, arre,
like another dog ; and after that the French
gentlewoman did love an Englishman. Wherefore
in such matters let a man make no body of his
counsell, lest he be deceived.
How Scogin told the Frenchmen he would flye into
England. 1
ON a time, Scogin made the Frenchmen beleeve
that he would flie into England, and did get him
many goose-wings, and tyed them about his arms
and legs, and went upon an high tower, and spread
his armes abroad as though he would flie, and
came downe againe, and said, that all his feathers
were not fit about him, and that he would flie on
the morrow. On the morrow hee got him up upon
the tower, and there was much people gathered
(i) One of the adventures of Tyll Owlglass was a deception which he
practised on the good people of Magdeburg, by giving out that on a
certain day he would fly from the top of their town-house. In Owlglass,
however, the tale runs differently. See the new English edition of
Eulenspicgel by Mr. Mackenzie, 1860, p. 19.
128 The Jests of Scogin.
together to see him flie. Scogin did shake his
feathers, and said : all my feathers be not fit about
me ; come to-morrow, and I will fly. On the
morrow Scogin got upon the tower, and did shake
his feathers, saying : goe home, fools, goe home ;
trow you that I will breake my necke for your
pleasure 1 nay, not so. There was a Frenchman
had indignation at Scogin, and he said : to-morrow
you shall see mee flie to Paris. And he got him
wings, and went upon the tower, and spread his
wings abroad, and would have flowne, and fell
downe into the mote under the tower. Every
man was diligent to get the man out of the water,
and Scogin did take him by the hand, and said :
sir, you be welcome from Paris j I thinke you have
beene in a great raine. Here a man may see that
one cannot have a shrewd turne in playing the
foole, but he shall have a mocke for his labour.
How Scogin prayed to a Roode for an Hundred
French Crownes. 1
WHEN Scogin was at Paris, hee went to a church,
& kneeled downe before the Rood, and made
his prayers as hereafter followeth : O thou most
blessed God, whom I have honored and served all
(i) Not in Thackeray's Ed.
The Jests of Scogin. 129
my life, take so much pity on me, as to give me
but a hundred french crowns : for now my need is
so great, that I must needes have so much and no
lesse, for if I have but one lesse, I will not take it.
Scogin still continued his prayers, & wold have
no lesse then a hundred french crowns. The
Parson of the Church was in the Rood loft, &
heard all his prayers, and thought hee would try
him, whether hee would doe as hee said, or no \
and went and did stand behind the Rood, and
cast downe before Scogin one French crowne.
Scogin, seeing this, was glad, & said : O thou
most blessed Lord, thou knowest that this will doe
me but little pleasure. Scogin continued still in
his prayers, & desired the Roode to cast him
downe the rest, declaring what great need he had.
At the last, when he saw there would no more be
cast downe, he said : perchance, O Lord, thou hast
no more money here now, and therefore I will
take this in part of payment, till thou hast more
store : for I know, O most blessed Lord, that thou
art so pitifull 1 a Lord, that if thou hadst so much
here, I should have it ; and then he tooke up the
(i) Compassionate or merciful. "And now advance forward, true
men againste traitors, pitiful persons against murtherers, true inheritors
against usurpers, &c." Proclamation of Henry VII. to his Army
before the Battle of Bos worth, printed (from Halle's Chronicle, 1548)
in Mr. Halliwell's Letters of the Kings of England, i, 164.
130 The Jests of Scogin.
french crowne, and went his way. When the
Parson saw this, he repented him that he had
cast downe the French crowne, and said : if I
had thought thou wouldest have had it, I would
not have cast it downe so easily.
How Scogin was new christened, and confirmed a
Knave by the French bishop.
THERE was a bishop in France, which was of the
French king's privy counsell. This bishop had a
man whose name was Peter Arcadus. This Peter
Arcadus favoured Scogin much, because he was so
merry, insomuch that hee got Scogin to be his
chamber-fellow, through whose procuration Scogin
came in favour with the bishop. And on a time
Scogin, in his jesting, said that the bishop's nose
was so long, that hee could kisse no body; for
which the bishop was angry, and commanded him
to come no more within his gates. Then Scogin
went and bought a couple of woodcocks, 1 and
because he could not be suffered to come in at
the bishop's gate, he got a long pole or rafter,
the which he laid over the mote or ditch of the
bishop's house, intending to come unto the bishop,
and give him the woodcocks for a present. As
(i) Compare the Merie Tales of Skelton, No. vi, and A C Mery
Talys, No. xl.
The Jests of Scogin. 1 3 1
Scogin was halfe way over, the rafter slipt, and he
fell into the mote. At last Scogin got out, and
came in, where hee found the bishop at dinner,
and said : if it please your honor, here I have
brought you a couple of woodcockes. The bishop
seeing him, said : why, thou knave, I commanded
thee to come no more within my gates. Scogin
said : I came not in at your gates, for I came over
your mote, where I was new christened ; and now
you have confirmed me a knave, so by this meanes
I must needs be a knave. Therefore I desire you,
my lord, not to be displeased, although I play the
knave. Whereat the bishop and all that were in
the house laughed ; and then the bishop said : I
will pardon you for this time, so that hereafter you
will be an honest man.
How Scogin deceived a Doctor of Physicke.
THERE was one Master Cranwood, a doctor of
physicke in Paris, and hee in a morning did fetch
from a goldsmith a silver cup, the which he had
bargained for the day before, and he payed for it
26 French crowns : the which, when he came
home, he delivered it to his wife, and bad her
set it in her cubboord, and he told her hee would
goe visit his patients. All this Scogin saw, and
K 2
132 The Jests of Scogin.
drew so neere to the Doctor, that he heard what
he did say to his wife. And when he was gone to
his patients, Scogin went to the market, and
bought a pickerell, for it was on a Friday, and
came to Mistress Cranwood, the doctor's wife, and
said : Mistresse, your husband here hath sent you
a pickerell, which he doth desire you to make
ready against dinner, for he intendeth to have one
of his friends to dine with him to day, and he
prayeth you to send him by me the silver cup
that hee bid you to set up in your cubboord, for he
will have the goldsmith grave his name in it.
Mistresse Cranwood delivered to Scogin the cup,
who incontinent went home to his chamber-fellow
Peter, 1 and told him what hee had done. When
the doctor came home, and did see such good
cheere, hee asked his wife where shee had the
pickerell. She smiled on him, and said : Sir, you
know well enough, for you sent it mee in the
morning by him that brought you your silver cup.
Why, said the doctor, I sent you no pickerell, nor
nobody brought me my silver cup. Yes, that you
did, said his wife, for he that came for it said, that
you would have your name graven in it. When
the doctor did perceive that hee was deceived of
his cup, he began to chafe with his wife, and at the
(i) Peter Arcadus. See p. 130.
The Jests of Scogin. 133
last said : I trow he might well give a pickerell,
seeing he hath for it my silver cup, which cost 26
crownes.
How Scogin and three or foure more deceived a
Tapster.
ON a night, Scogin and his chamber-fellow, and
two or three of the bishop's servants, being merrily
disposed, consult how they might have good cheere
and pay no money, and every one invented a way
as they thought best. At last Scogin said : I have
invented a cleanly shift. At the signe of the
Crowne against Peter's church, is a new tapster,
which ere this hath not seen any of us, and he is
also purblind, so that if he see us hereafter he
cannot know us. Therefore wee will goe thither,
and make good cheere ; and when we have a
reckoning, we will contend who shall pay all. Then
will I say to avoid the contention, that the tapster
shal be blinded, and we wil run round about him,
and whosoever he catcheth first, let him pay for
all, and so we may escape away. Every man liked
Scogin's device best ; so in conclusion, they came
thither, and had good cheere, for they spared no
cost ; so that in the end their reckoning drew to
1 34 The Jests of Scogin.
ten shillings. Then as Scogin had devised afore,
they did. The tapster was blinded, so that they
ran round about him, and first Scogin got out, and
then another, so that at the last they got all away,
and left the tapster groping in every place about
the house for him that should pay the shot. The
master of the house, being in a chamber next to
the place where they were, and hearing the stamping
that they made, came in to see what they did, whom
the tapster caught in his arms, saying : Sir, you
must pay the reckoning. Marry, said his master,
so I think I must indeed, for here is nobody else
to pay it. Then the tapster and his master sought
and enquired for Scogin and the rest, but they
could neither find them, nor hear newes of them.
How Scogin deceived the Poulter's Wife.
ON a time, the aforesaid bishop should feast divers
French lords, and hee gave unto Peter Arcadus
(Scogin's chamber-fellow) twenty French crownes
to bestow at the poulter's, in feasant, partridge,
plover, quaile, woodcocke, larke, and such other;
and because Scogin's chamber-fellow had great
busines to do, he wrote all such things as he
would have bought in a bill, and desired Scogin
to bestow the money, who was well contented.
The Jests of Scogin. 135
When Scogin had this money, he imagined in his
mind how hee might deceive some poulter, and so
to have the money to himselfe. At last hee came
to a poulter in Paris, and said : sir, it is so, that my
master the abbot of Spilding doth feast a great
many of his friends, and I must have so many of
every sort of your wares, as is mentioned in this
bill ; therefore I pray you lay them out quickly,
and let the bill be prised reasonably, and to-morrow
in the morning I will fetch them, and you shall
have your money. The wares were laid out and
prised, and the sum came to six pounds and odde
money. Then on the morrow Scogin did come
to the poulter, and asked if every thing were ready.
Yea, said the poulter, and here is your bill reason
ably prised. Then, said Scogin, let somebody goe
with me for to receive your money. The poulter
said : my wife shal goe with you. Scogin went to
S. Peter's church, where there was a priest that
had on his Albe, and was ready to goe to masse.
Scogin went to the priest and said : Master, here is
a woman that will not bee perswaded that her
husband ought to be her head, and I have brought
her to you, to the intent you should perswade her.
The priest said he would doe what he could. I
thank you, said Scogin. Then Scogin came to
the woman, and said : if you will have your money,
136 The Jests of Scogin.
come to my Master, and heare what he doth say.
Then Scogin came to the Priest, and said : Master,
here is the woman ; will you dispatch her after
masse is done'? Yea, said the priest. Then said
Scogin to the woman : you heare what my master
doth say ; therefore, I pray you send by me 1 'some
token whereby I may receive the wares. The
woman sent by him 2 a true token, and then Scogin
did hire two porters, and did fetch away all the
wares from the poulter's house, and did carry it to
his chamber. When masse was done, the priest
called the poulter's wife unto him, and asked why
she would not acknowledge her husband to be her
head. Why, said the woman, I cannot tarry to
reason of such matters ; therefore I pray you to
pay me my money that I were gone. Wherfore,
said the priest ? The woman said : for wares that
your man hath received. What man, said the
priest. He that spake to you when you went to
masse. The priest said : he is none of my man,
and he said to me, that you would not bee per-
swaded that your husband ought to be your head.
What, Master Abbot, said the woman, you shal
not mock me so ; I must have 6 pounds and 8
shillings of you for wares that your man hath re
ceived : for you promised to pay me when you went
(i) Old ed. has me by. (2) Old ed. has him by.
The Jests of Scogin. 1 3 7
to masse. I ani no abbot, said the priest, nor
none of my men never received any thing of you,
nor I promised nothing when I went to masse, but
that I would perswade you to obey your husband,
who ought to be your head ; and so the priest
went his way. The woman, perceiving that shee
was deceived, went home to see if Scogin had
received the ware, and he had received them, and
was gone an houre before. Then both she and
her husband sought for Scogin, but they could not
find him.
How Scogin deceived the Draper. 1
WHEN Scogin should be made Master of Art, he
wanted money to buy his apparell, and he mused
in his mind what shift he might make. At last,
he went to London to a draper, and said : sir, it
is so that I have a master, which is Deane of Wels,
and he would have foure gowne clothes of sundry
colours ; but they must bee sad colours and fine
cloath, and he must have three paire of hose
clothes and lining ; and I pray you make me a
bill of the price of every thing, and to-morrow
you shall have money. On the morrow in the
morning, Scogin went to Paul's Church, and he
(i) See A CMeryTalys, No. 39, and the Conceits of Old Hobson, 1607.
138 The Jests of Scogin.
did see a lusty priest coming with two or three
servants ; [and he] did ask where he might say
masse. And when the place was appointed, Scogin
did run to the draper, and said : sir, you must come
or send one to receive your money ; for my master
will say mass, and then in all haste he must goe
to Westminster therefore let one of your servants
cut off the cloth. The Draper and Scogin went
to Paul's, and by that time the priest had on his
albe, ready to goe to masse. Scogin went to the
Priest, and sayd : master, it is so that I have a
friend here which is troubled with a chin-cough,
and he and I desire you that after masse he
may have three sups of the chalice; and for
your paines he doth pray you to come to him to
breakfast. The priest sayd : I am pleased ; I will
do your desire. Then Scogin went to the draper,
and said : sir, come and heare what my master
doth say. Then Scogin said to the Priest : master,
here is the gentleman, will you dispatch him when
masse is done ? Yea, said the priest. Then said
Scogin : here is your bill of accounts ; now send
me to your servants by what token I shall receive
that which my master hath bought. The draper
said : by the same token that I did tell them
yesternight that if they would not take heed in
time, they would never thrive. Upon this token
The Jests of Scogin. 139
all the stuffe was delivered to Scogin, and he
caried it to the Carriers, and sent it to Oxford.
When the masse was done, the priest called the
draper, and said : gentleman, come hither to me ;
if you will have 3 sups of the chalice/ sit downe
on your knees. Why, said the draper, should I
sop of the Chalice, and wherefore shall I sit down
on my knees ? Marry, sir, said the priest, your
servant, as I suppose, did come to me before
masse, saying that you had the chin-cough, and
that you would have three sups of the chalice to
be mended of your disease. The draper said :
master Dean of Welles, you shall not mock me
so ; I must have 13 pound of you for clothe that
your servant hath of me for foure gown-clothes,
three hose-clothes, and lining for them ; and here is
a bill of every parcel, and you said before masse
that I should have it. What? said the priest.
Money, said the merchant. Nay, not so, said the
Priest, I am not Deane of Welles, nor I never
bought nor sold with you; you shall have no
money of me, for I promised nothing before
masse but 3 sups of the chalice, and if thou wilt
have that, take it, or else fare ye well. A **** for
thy 3 sups of the chalice, said the draper, give me
my mony. I owe thee none, said the Priest, nor
none shalt thou have of me. The merchant could
140 The Jests of Scogin.
not tel what to say, but hied himselfe home to
seeke for Scogin, which was gone. Then said the
Draper : I trow wee have spun a faire threed ;
where is the man that should have the cloth *\
The servants said : sir, he hath it, and is gone.
Which way, said the merchant ? We cannot tel,
said his servants. Why, said the draper, did you
deliver him al the stuff? Yea, Sir, said they, be-
because you sent us a true token. Then said the
Draper : I would I had beene ware my selfe first,
for if I make many such bargaines I shall never
thrive.
How Scogin told a Shoemaker he was not at
home. 1
THERE was a shoemaker in Paris, which was a
widower, and he was not very wise. Of him
Scogin bought all his shooes, and on a time Scogin
came to the shoemaker's house to speak with him.
The shoemaker was at dinner, and bad his maid
say that he was not at home. Scogin, by the
maid's answer, perceived that her master was with
in, but for that time dissembled the matter, and
went home. Shortly after, the shoemaker came
i) It is scarcely necessary to point out the antiquity of this story.
See Mery Tales and Quiche Answers, No. 12.
The Jests of Scogin. 141
to Scogin's chamber, and asked for him. Scogin,
hearing the shoomaker enquire for him, said aloud :
I am not at home. Then sayd the shoomaker :
what, man, think you that I know not your voice ?
Why, said Scogin, what an unhonest man you are!
When I came to your house, I beleeved your maid
that said you were not at home, and you will not
beleeve me mine owne selfe.
How the aforesaid Shoemaker gave Scogin forty
shillings to have his house made greater.
THE aforesaid shooemaker married a rich widow,
whereby his houshold was greatly encreased ; and
on a time Scogin came thither; and seeing that
he had so many servants, and much household
stuffe heapt up in every corner of his house, said
that he had need have a greater house. Yea,
said the shoomaker : I would spend forty shillings
that the house were but three yards broder.
Scogin said : give me the money, and you shal
have it made as broad as you will. Hold, said
the shoomaker, here is the money. Then Scogin
caused one of the shoemaker's horses to be tied
to the house side, and got a chaire with wheeles
in the feet, wherein he bad the shoomaker sit, and
sayd : when the house is as you would have it,
142 The Jests of Scogin.
speak. Scogin bad one of the shoemaker's men
that he should make the horse draw a little, and
he himselfe stood behind the shoemaker, and ever
as the horse drew, Scogin would pull the chaire to
him, that the shoemaker did sit in, and asked him
if the house were broad enough yet. The shooe-
maker, for the noise that the horse made with
drawing, and for Scogin's talking, did not perceive
how Scogin did pull the chaire, but thought that
the horse did pull the house broader. When
Scogin had drawn the chaire a good way, the shoo-
maker said : this is broad enough j now let the
other side be drawne out as much. Then Scogin
tied the horse to the other side of the house, and
turned the chaire, and caused the shoomaker to sit
in it again, and did as he had done before, and
drew the chaire a good way back, saying : is the
house broad enough yet ? The shomaker said :
yea, I thank you, it is as broad as I would have it.
Then Scogin bad the shoemaker's man set up his
horse, and he tooke his chaire and went his way.
How the Shoemaker would have made his house
greater, and brake downe the one side of it.
WITHIN two or three dayes after this, the shomaker
thought to make his house greater, and caused the
The Jests of Scogin. 143
horse to be tyed to the house side again, and he
himselfe sate down in a chayre in the midst of the
house, to see when it was broad enough, and had
one of his men to make the horse draw. The
horse pulled, but the house was never the broader.
Then the shomaker caused another horse to be
tyed to the house side. Then both the horses
drew so much, that they pulled down foure or five
)ostes of the house, which caused the tiles to fall,
so that the shoemaker's head was broken in two or
three places. Then the shomaker was faine to
Bestow a great deale of money in mending his
louse, and at the Surgeons 'for healing his head.
After this he met with Scogin, and told him what
a great mischance hee had. Why, said Scogin,
when it was well, you could not let it alone.
How Scogin told the French King he could not
doe two things at once.
ON a time, the French king and Scogin did ride
together, and the king said to Scogin : why doest
thou not speak] Why, sir, said Scogin, will you
have me doe two things at once 1 will you have
me ride and speak too ? Nay, said he, that were
too much : for it is hard to serve two Lords and
two masters, and please both the parties.
144 TJte Jests of Scogin.
How the French King had Scogin into his house
of office, & shewed him the King of England's
picture. 1
ON a time, when the French King went to his
stoole, he did take Scogin with him. Then said
the French King to Scogin : looke behind thee,
who is pictured on the wall. Scogin looked, &
said : it is a faire picture. The king said : thou
maist see what I doe make of a picture of thy
king. Scogin beheld the picture of the King of
England, & said to the French king : Jesu Christ !
here is a wonderfull thing ! What would you doe,
if you did see the King of England in the face as
he is, when that for feare you doe ****** your-
selfe, when that you looke but upon a picture of
him ? Then the French king banished Scogin out
of France, & he came into England againe.
How Scogin put French earth in his shoes, and
came to England. 2
WHEN Scogin was banished out of France, he
filled his shooes full of French earth, and came
into England, and went into the king's court, and
(1) This jest is not in Thackeray's ed.
(2) This story is told, before Scogin' s time, of Gonella, fool to Nicolo,
Count of Este, and afterward to his son Borso, Duke of Ferrara (1441)-
See also Mr. Mackenzie's Owlglass, 1860, p. 40.
The Jests of Scogin. 145
as soone as he came to the court, the king said to
him : I did charge thee that thou shouldest never
tread upon my ground of England. It is true,
said Scogin, and no more I doe. What ! traytor,
said the king, whose groud is that thou standest
on now ? Scogin said : I stand upon the French
king's ground, and that you shall see ; and first he
put off the one shooe, and it was full of earth.
Then said Scogin : this earth I brought out of
France. Then said the king : I charge thee never
to looke me more in the face.
How Scogin came to Cambridge, and how hee
deceived the poore folkes. 1
AFTER the King had commanded Scogin to looke
him no more in the face, hee went to Cambridge,
and through one Master Everid that was his friend,
he got him a chamber in Jesus Colledge. So, on a
time about midsummer faire, he lacked money,
and at last he got him a paire of crutches, and a
patched Cloake, and took a coard, and bound
up one of his legs behind him, and went to
Barnwell with his crutches, like as if he had lacked
one leg, and came among the poor folkes like a
stout beggar. And after he had beene there a
(i) This story is not in Thackeray's ed.
2. L
146 TJic Jests of Scogin.
little while, hee would needes keepe all the money
that was gotten, and at the end of the faire he
said, it should be parted equally among them all.
At last with much adoe they were contented ; so,
when the faire was almost ended, Scogin said to.
the poore folke : I must goe into that corne and
ease me, and I will come againe by and by.
Scogin went into a Rye land, and put off his
cloake, and untied the coard that he had bound
his leg with, and ranne as fast as he could to Jesus
College. The poore folkes espied him, and fol
lowed after him as fast as they could ; some, that
had not gone without crutches a long time before,
had almost overtaken him. Scogin was there be
fore them, and had the key of his chamber, and
had put on other apparell by that time the poore
folkes come to the Colledge, and were searching
in every place for him. At last Scogin carne out
of his chamber, and said : what doe you all here 1
Marry, said they, there is a naughty man that hath
deceived us of all that wee have gotten this Faire
time, and hee came ronning into this College ; and
for him doe we seeke. What manner of man is he 1
said Scogin. Sir, said one of them, if your master
ship would not bee angry, I would say you were
as like him as any man might be. Well, said
Scogin, you must get you away : for you let us of \
The Jests of Scogin. 147
our studyc The poore folkes went their way,
cursing him a hundred times that had so deceived
them.
How Scogin rode to Newcastle with Master Everid,
and what talke hee had with a fellow that kept
oxen.
AFTER that Scogin had beene at Cambridge a
little while, his friend Master Everid would goe
to Newcastle (to take possession of certain houses),
and he said to Scogin : if you will goe with me to
Newcastle, I will beare your cost and charges.
Scogin was content, and went with him ; and when
they were within twelve miles of Newcastle, Scogin
did see a fellow that was keeping of Oxen, that
sat under a bush clouting of his shooes. Scogin
said to the fellow : how far is it to Newcastle 1 I
cannot tell, said the fellow. Then said Scogin :
what is it a clock ? The fellow said, hee could
not tell. Then said Scogin : what town is this
before us 1 I cannot tell, said the fellow. Then
Scogin thought he had beene a foole, and said :
didst thou not see an empty cart come by this
way, with two great milstones in it 1 The fellow
said : no. Then Scogin laughed, and was riding
away. The fellow called him again, and said :
L 2
148 The Jests of Scogin.
sir, I did not see no such cart as you aske for
come this way, but here came a naked boy by, with
a white loaf in his bosom and a straw in his ****
to picke your teeth. Scogin rode his way, and
said nothing ; whereat Master Everid and his men
laughed.
What shift Scogin made for Bootes, and how hee
deceived two Shoemakers.
WHEN Scogin should ride home againe, his boots
were nought, and hee could not tell what shift to
make. At last hee devised what he might do :
whereupon he sent his man for a shoemaker to
bring him a pair of bootes. The shoemaker
brought the bootes, and when he had pulled on
the right foot boot, and was pulling on the other
boot, Scogin said it was marvellous strait, and
that it did pinch his leg ; wherefore he prayed him
to cary it home, and set it on the laste an houre
or two : for (quoth he) I have a thing to write,
that will hold mee two hours ; and all that time I
will sit and write, and keepe this other boot on
my leg still, until that be ready. The shoemaker
tooke the boot and went home, as Scogin had
bidden him. When the shoemaker was gone, he
sent his man for another shoomaker, and caused
The Jests of Scogin. 149
one to pull off the boot, which the first shoemaker
had pulled on. When the other shoemaker was
come, Scogin caused him to pull on the left boot ;
and when he was pulling on the right foot boot,
Scogin found fault with it, as he did with the first
shoemaker, and sent him away in like sort. When
he was gone, he caused his man to make ready
their horses, and hee pulled on the boote againe,
which the first shoomaker had left behinde him,
and so he rode away with the two boots of two
shoomakers. Shortly after, the shoemakers came
and enquired for Scogin ; but he and his man were
gone almost an hour before.
How Scogin overtooke a Priest, and kept company
with him, and how he and the Priest prayed
for money. 1
WHEN Scogin and his man had ridden ten or
twelve miles on their way, hee overtooke a Priest
that was riding to London, to pay his first fruits,
with whom hee kept company, untill he came to
Stamford ; and all that way as they rode, Scogin
made the Priest very good cheere, and would let
him pay no money, so that Scogin had but two
(i) The incident here is similar to one narrated in the Life of Robin
Hood, printed from MS. Sloane 715 in Thorns' Early Prose Romances,
1828, vol. ii. The present anecdote is omitted in Thackeray's ed.
150 The Jests of Scogin.
shillings left ; and riding betweene Stamford and
Huntington, Scogin complayned him to the Parson
in this sort. I marvell, master Parson (quoth he),
how men doe when they want money, to get it :
for when I want money, I know not how to get
any, except I should steale. No, no, said the
Priest, doe you not know that they that serve God
well, doe not want, and how that God promiseth,
that if you call upon him in your afflictions, that
he will helpe you ? You say well, master Parson,
said Scogin, and rode before ; and when hee saw
a faire place, he kneeled downe, and lifted up his
hands, and prayed to God, till Master Parson and
his man did overtake him ; but nothing hee could
get. When they were come, hee told them he
prayed, but could get nothing. But (quoth he) I
will try once againe, and then if I can get nothing,
both you, master Parson, and my man shall helpe
me to pray ; for I doe not doubt but God will
helpe something, when hee heareth all our prayers.
And then Scogin did ride before againe, and when
hee saw his place convenient, he alighted him
from his horse, and tyed him to a tree, and kneeled
downe, and prayed as hee had done before until
such time as they came to him. Then said the
Parson : how doe you now, master Scogin ? By
my troth, said he, I can get nothing ; wherefore
The Jests of Scogin. 151
alight, sirra, quoth hee to his man, and tie your
horse to yonder tree ; and then hee went to the
Parson, and tooke his horse by the bridle, and told
him hee must needes helpe him to pray. The
Parson for feare durst not say him nay, but alighted,
and tooke his capcase from the saddle-bow, where
in was fifty pounds. Then Scogin asked his man
how much money he had in his purse. He sayd :
twenty pence. By my troth, said Scogin, and I
have but two shillings ; and how much have you,
Master Parson 1 said hee. The Parson thought that
if hee had told him all, hee would surely have
borrowed a good part of it, and he said : five
pounds. Well, let us pray hartily, said Scogin ;
and then they kneeled downe, and prayed for the
space of halfe an houre ; and Scogin said : let
us see whether God have heerd our request, or no.
And then he looked to his owne purse, where was
but two shillings, and then hee looked to his man's
purse, where was but twenty pence. Then Scogin
came to the Parson, and said : now, Master Parson,
let us see what you have ; for I doe not doubt but
God hath heard our prayers ; and tooke the Priest's
capcase and opened it, wherein was a bag with
fifty pounds in it, which the Parson should have
paid for his first fruits. Then Scogin spread his
cloak e abroad, and powred out the money ; and
152 The Jests of Scogin.
when hee had told it, hee said : by [our] Lady !
Master Parson, God hath heard our prayer. And
then hee gave him five pounds, and said : master
Parson, here is the five pound that thou had before
wee began to pray, and the rest we will have : for I
see that you are so well acquainted with God that
with praying halfe an houre you can get as much
more ; and this will doe us great pleasure ; and
it is but a small matter for you to pray halfe an
houre. The Parson desired Scogin to let him
have the rest of the money, for hee said that hee
did ride to London to pay his first fruits. Well,
said Scogin, then you must pray againe ; for wee
will have this. And so they rode away, and left
the Priest behind them ; and the Priest was faine
to ride home againe for more money.
How Scogin came to the Court like a monstrous
Beast, and should have been hanged.
SCOGIN was weary of Cambridge, and could not
tell how to doe, because the king had commanded
him to looke him no more in the face. At last
he got him a Bear's foot and an Oxe foot, and
tyed them under his feet. Then he took a horse
foot in one of his hands, and his other hand
served for another foot ; and Scogin lay about the
The Jests of Scogin. 153
court, and on a certaine night there fell a snow.
Scogin, within half a mile of the king's palace,
went with his aforesaid three feet and his hand,
which served for the fourth foot ; and when he
had set a circuit, he went into an old house, where
there was an oven, and he crept into it, and set
out his ****. In the morning the trace of this
monstrous beast was found, and well was he that
might first come to the Court to tell the King what
a monstrous beast this should bee ; that the one
foot was like a Beares' foot, and the other like an
Oxe foot, and the other foot like a horse foot, and
the other like a mans' hand. As soone as the
king heard of it, he called his hunters to goe
with him to find out the trace of this monstrous
beast ; and that found, there was a great yelping
of hounds and blowing of homes } and at last the
hounds did come to a bay. The King and the
Lords pricked forth their geldings, and rode to
the old house ; and looked into the oven, and
Scogin did set out his bare ****. What knave
is this, said the king] I, sir, said Scogin, whom
you charged not to look you in the face, wherefore
I must needs turne my **** to you. Well, knave,
said the king, thou shalt bee hanged for this
pranke doing. Scogin leapt out of the oven, and
pulled up his breech, and said : I desire your
154 The Jests of Scogin.
Grace, if I shall be hanged, let me chuse the tree
I shall be hanged on. I am content, sayd the
king. Foure men were appointed to hang Scogin.
Scogin had provided a bottle of wine, and sucket,
and marmalade, and greene ginger; and said to
them that should hang him : masters, the Kings
Grace hath given me license (as you know) to
chuse what manner of Tree I shall hang on, and
in the forrest of Windsor be goodly trees, and
thither will I goe. Scogin went before them, and
ever looked upon many okes and trees, and ever
was eating of his sucket and marmalade, and
greene ginger, and dranke still on his bottle, saying:
God knoweth, the pangs of death are dry. When
night was come, and the men being all day with
out meate or drinke, fainted, and said : good
Scogin, the night draweth on, and we have eaten
no meat to-day, and where we shall lye to night we
cannot tell : chuse one tree or other to bee hanged
on ; o masters, said Scogin, make no haste for my
hanging, for it would grieve the best of you all to
bee hanged. Scogin wandred about here and
there, untill it was a good while within night.
Then said Scogin : here is a faire tree, let us goe
lye under it all night. The men said : wee are so
faint, that we cannot tell what to doe. Well,
said Scogin, you seeme to bee honest men; goe
The Jests of Scogin. 155
to your King and have me commended to him;
and tell him that I will never chuse a tree to bee
! hanged on : and so fare you well. Hee is a mad man
ithat may save his owne life, and will kill himselfe. 1
How Scogin asked the King and Queen forgiveness.
SCOGIN seeing that he had lost the favour of the
King and Queene, hee mused how he might be
pardoned of the King and of the Queene. Hee
icard say that the King would ride a progress, and
at a convenient place, Scogin said to his servant :
cast a coverlet over me, and say that I am dead,
and say that, at my departure, I desired thee to
oray to the King and Queen to forgive me. When
the King and Queene did come by, Scogin lying
under the coverlet by the high way, his servant
said : here doth lye Scogin dead, and when hee
leparted, hee prayed both your Graces to forgive
him. Now (said the King and Queen) God for
give him, and wee do. Scogin start up, and sayd :
I do thank both your Graces, and hereafter I will
no more displease you : for I see it is more harder
to keepe a friend, then to get one.
^.s to the antiquity of this story, see Dr. Doran's History of Court
Fools, 1858, p. 129.
1 5 6 The Jests of Scogin.
How Scogin told the Queene what a great study he
was in. 1
AFTER that Scogin had got his pardon of the King
and of the Queen, as it is rehearsed, he used
honest jesting with the King and Queen ; and on
a time before the Queene hee stood in a great
study. Whereon doth thou muse, Scogin, said the
Queene 1 Muse ! said Scogin ; I am musing on a
matter that would trouble any mans braines living :
for it maketh mee to sweat on the browes to bring
it to passe. Tell me, said the Queene, the matter.
I shall, said Scogin. Every man telleth me, that our
Parson is my ghostly father, and that the Church
is my Mother ; then would I faine know, what kin
I am to the steeple. The Queene said : thou
must needs be alianced to the steeple. I thanke
your Grace, said Scogin : for you have brought mee
out of a great doubt.
How divers Gentlemen of the Court came to
Scogiffs house to make merry.
ON a time divers Gentlemen of the Court said to
Scogin : Gentle master Scogin, wee would laugh,
and therefore we will come to your house to make
(i) This section is omitted in Thackeray's ed.
The Jests of Scogin. 157
merry, and wee will tarry all night, so that you will
provide for vs beds and horse meat You shall
not lacke, said Scogin. The Gentlemen came to
Scogin's house, thinking that Scogin had provided
all things necessary for them. When they were
come to his house, there was no manner of pro
vision, neither for horse meat, man's meat, nor
lodging. Scogin, seeing his friends were come to
his house, said : Masters, you be welcome, and
that is the best cheere that I have ; and as for
meat for you, I have it not at this time, but onely
an apple, and therefore I pray you not to be dis
contented, considering the old proverbe in Latine
Dat pira vel poma,
Qui non habet alia dona, (i)
The which is to say, he that hath no other gift, must
'give an apple or peare. I say, sayd Scogin, I have at
this time no better cheare; therefore, I pray you,
ibee contented with your fare. Why, said the Gen
tlemen, have you meat for our horses ? Masters
! all, said Scogin, I have a house, but I have no
I land ; I have neither hay, grass, nor corn, nor
i pasture, unlesse it bee in the Church-yard, and
there I have seven foot that I doe challenge ;
therefore let your horses goe there. Then said the
in old ed. these lines run on ; but as poma and dona seemed to
he a feeble attempt at rhythm, a metrical arrangement, as above, was
thought preferable.
1 5 8 The Jests of Scogin.
Gentlemen : how shall wee doe for our beds and
lodgings ? Masters all, said Scogin, as for beds,
care not : for I have enough for you all. Then
wee care not, said the Gentlemen. Hast thou,
beside thy apple, any drink ? Yea, said Scogin, as
good as any is in the well. Why then, said the
Gentlemen, bring us to our beds. I will, said
Scogin, which did bring them to his garden, saying :
Masters, choose every man his lodging in these
beds : for these bee the best beds that I have.
Then one Gentlemen said : wee came hither to
laugh, but I suppose wee shall weepe, e're wee
have done. Here a man may see that the thing
which men doe propose, 1 God doth dispose, and
let no man thinke that there was never so great a
flood, but there may bee as low an ebbe ; and in
this case is to be considered, that no man can
aske more of a man, than hee is able to doe.
How Scogin fell sicke of a perillous cough. 2
THE time was come that Scogins dayes drew to an
end, who was infected with a perillous cough. His
Physitians did counsel him neither to eat cheese
nor nuts. And why so 1 said Scogin. The
(i) Old ed. has suppose.
(2} This and the following story are not in Thackeray's ed.
The Jests of Scogin. 159
Physitian said : for such things doe cause and pro
voke coughing. Nay, said Scogin, that cannot be
so : for a sheepe doth neither ete cheese nor nuts,
and there is no beast living that hath the cough so
much. Then said the Physitian : if they did or
could eat it, such things would augment and
increase their infirmity. Wherefore it is good to
refraine from contagious meats and drinkes, ac
cording to the infirmity of a man's disease.
How Scogin was shriven and hosted.
Scogins sicknesse increased more and more, and he
sent for the Priest to be shriven and hosted. The
Priest, comming to him with the sacrament of the
Altar, said : Master Scogin, here I have brought to
you our blessed Lord God in forme of bread, that
dyed on the Crosse for all sinners ; doe you
believe in him 1 Yea, said Scogin, or else would I
were burnt at a stake. Then said the Priest : e're
you doe receive Him, you must be contrite of your
offences, and bee shriven, and recognise your selfe
a sinner. That wil I gladly, said Scogin. Hee
being shriven, and beeing penitent, received the
Sacrament devoutly ; and that done, Scogin said :
good Lord, I doe thanke thee for all thy benefits ;
but, masters, I tell you all that stand about mee, if
1 60 The Jests of Scogin.
I might live to eate a Christmasse pye, I care not
then if I dye by and by after : for Christmasse
pyes be good meat. Here is to be noted that a
man is loath to dye, although there be no remedy;
and he that can reioyce him in God, and in mirth
without sin, that man is happy.
How Scogin desired that hee might bee buried at
the East side of Westminster.
SCOGIN waxing sicker and sicker, his friends ad
vertised him to make his Testament, and to shew
where he would lye after hee was dead. Friends,
said Scogin, when I came into this world, I brought
nothing with me, and when I shall depart out of
this world, I shall take nothing away but a sheet ;
take you the sheet, and let me have the beginning
againe naked. And if you cannot doe this for
me, I pray you that I may be buried at the East
side of Westminster, under one of the spouts of
the leads : for I have ever loved good drinke all
the dayes of my life : and there he was buried,
whereas now the most ancient and sapient King
Henry the seventh did build the most sumptuous
Chappell in the world, whereas the said sapient
King doth lye, as it beseemeth an armipotent
Prince and King to lye.
The Jests of Scogin. 161
What Scogin said when the holy candle was put in
his hand. 1
WHEN the extreame pangs of death came vpon
Scogin, the holy Candle was put in his hand to
blesse himselfe. When Scogin had done so, in
surrendering thankes to God, hee said : now the
Proverbe is fulfilled, that he that worst may, shall
hold the Candle : for ever the weakest is thrust to
the wall.
(i) This concluding paragraph is deficient in Thackeray's ed.
FINIS.
M
THE SACK-FULL OF NEWES.
The Sack- Full of Newes. London, Printed by Andrew Clark,
and are to be sold by Thomas Passenger, at the Three Bibles
upon London Bridge, 1673. I2w<?. Black Letter.
This is the only edition now known of a little book of
facetiae, which is described by Laneham, in his Letter from
Kenilworth, 1575, as an illustration of the celebrated Captain
Cox's " great oversight in matters of storie."
There cannot be much doubt that the Sack-Full of Newes,
for which (with other books) John King paid twelvepence to
the Stationers' Company in 1557, was the same as the tract
reprinted in the following pages, although a drama with the
same title was formerly in existence. The Sack-Full of
Newes was afterwards the property of Sampson (or John)
Awdeley, and of John Charlwood, to whom it was licensed,
with several other articles, on the I5th January, 1582. On
the 5th September, 1587, Edward White was the owner of
the book, and paid sixpence to the Company for right to
print it. Of its subsequent fate, until it was republished
(perhaps in an abridged shape) in 1673, we know nothing.
Liable to destruction as works of this nature were from ex
tensive and repeated perusal, it seems strange that all the
copies of all the earlier impressions of The Sack-Full of
Newes should have so completely disappeared.
A limited number of copies of the edition of 1673 was
printed for Mr. Halliwell in 1861.
See Brydges' Restituta, iii, T3o.
THE FIRST TALE.
IN the country of Almaine, in a certain village,
there was on a time a parson of a Church which
preached unto his parishioners, and thereby shewed
them the joys of Heaven and the pains of Hell,
and many other things. And as he thus preached
in the Pulpit, among the people there was a
Miller which knew well that the Priest had a
concubine, and spake so loud, that everybody did
hear him. What, foolish Priest, said he, thou
makest much babling in the Pulpit and all thy
wit is not worth a straw : for I have an asse that
is far wiser than thou art, and thou makest here
much ado of Heaven and Hell, and I may if I
will have both Heaven and Hell at mine own
house, winde and weather at my own will, and as
it pleaseth me. Wherewith the Priest was greatly
displeased, because he disturbed him in his ser
mon, and said he would complain thereof to the
Bishop. Well, said the Miller, if thou dost com
plain, I will abide by that which I have said. But
as soon as the Priest had done his sermon, he
1 66 The Sackful of News.
went to the Bishop, and complained unto him of
all that which the Miller had formerly spoken,
whereupon the Bishop incontinently sent for the
Miller; and when the miller came, the Bishop
demanded if he could reasonably answer the
complaint made against him by the Priest. Yea,
my Lord, qd the Miller, that I can. Well, said
the Bishop, thou saidst that thou mightest have
thy choice both of Heaven and Hell at home in
thine own house, when it pleaseth thee ; and more
over thou saidst, thou hadst both wind and weather
at thine own pleasure. And also thou saidst, thou
hast an Ass that is far wiser than the Parish Priest.
If thou canst prove thy saying true, thou shalt go
quit without danger.
Indeed, qd the Miller, I said, that I had the
choice of heaven and hell at mine own house if I
would, and so I have : for I have a Mother of mine
at home, that is so old she can neither go nor
stand, and I trust as long as I keep her well and
do her good, I shall by the grace of God have
heaven at will, and if I do not that I deserve
perpetual damnation \ and likewise I said, that
I had both wind and weather at will, and that is
true : for if it be the Lord's will that I have good
wind and weather, it is my will also, and I am very
well contented therewith j and if it be his will to
The Sackful of News. 1 67
send me otherwise, it is my will also, and I am
pleased therewith ; and whereas I said, that I had
an ass that was wiser than our Priest, that is most
true : for mine ass sometime when she stumbleth
in a hole as she goeth, she will beware that she
come no more that way, but looketh well before
her, and will take heed that she do fall no more
therein ; but this Priest hath had a maid this seven
years and more, which he lyeth withall, and falleth
oft in her hole, and yet he cannot beware of it.
And thus I hope I have sufficiently answered to
this complaint.
Well (said the Bishop) thou hast answered, and
wisely, and therefore go thy ways. And so he
departed without any blame ; but the Priest was
deprived of his benefice and so another was set in
his place, to his great rebuke and shame.
Another.
THERE was a fryer in London, which did use to go
often to the house of an old woman, but ever
when he came to her house, she hid all the meat
she had. On a time this fryer came to her house
(bringing certain company with him) and demanded
of the wife if she had any meat. And she said :
Nay. Well, quoth the fryer, have you not a whet-
1 68 The Sackful of News.
stone? Yea (qd the woman); what will you do
with it 1 Marry, qd he, I would make meat thereof.
Then she brought a whetstone. He asked her
likewise if she had not a frying-pan. Yea, said she,
but what the divil will ye do therewith? Marry
(said the fryer), you shall see by and by what I will
do with it ; and when he had the pari, he set it on
the fire, and put the whetstone therein. Cocks
body, said the woman, you will burn the pan. No,
no, qd the fryer, if you will give me some eggs, it
will not burn at all. But she would have had the
pan from him, when that she saw it was in danger;
yet he would not let her, but still urged her to fetch
him some eggs, which she did. Tush, said the
fryer, here are not enow, go fetch ten or twelve.
So the good wife was constrayned to fetch more,
for feare lest the pan should burn ; and when he
had them, he put them in the pan. Now, qd he,
if you have no butter, the pan will burn and the
eggs too. So the good wife being very loth to
have her pan burnt, and her eggs lost, she fetcht
him a dish of butter, the which he put into the
pan and made good meat thereof, and brought
it to the table, saying : much good may it do
you, my Masters ; now may you say, you have
eaten of a buttered whetstone. Whereat all the
company laughed, but the woman was exceeding
The Sackful of News. 1 69
angry, because the fryer had subtilly beguiled her
of her meat.
Another)-
THERE was an old man that could not well see,
who had a fair young wife, and with them dwelt a
young man, which had long wooed his mistress to
have his pleasure of her ; who at the last con
sented to him, but they knew not how to bring it
to pass : for she did never go abroad but in her
husband's company, and led him always. At last
she devised a very fine shift, and bad her servant
that he should that night, about midnight, come
into her chamber, where her husband and she lay,
and she would find some device for him. Night
came, and the old man and wife went to bed, but
she slept not a wink, but thought still upon her
pretended purpose. But a little before the time
prefixed she awakned her husband and said thus
unto him : Sir, I will tell you a thing in secret,
which your servant was purposed to do, when I
am alone. I can never be at quiet for him, but he
is always enticeing me to have me at his will, and
so at the last to be quiet with him, I consented to
meet him in the garden, but for mine honesties
(i) Compare A C Mery Tafys, No. 2.
1 70 The Sackful of News.
sake I will not. Wherefore I pray you put on my
cloathes and go meet him ; so when he comes to
you, beat him well, and chide him : for I know well
he will not strike you, because you are his Master ;
and then he may amend himself and prove a good
servant ; and the man was well pleased therewith.
So the good man put on his wive's cloaths, and
took a good cudgel in his hand, and went into the
garden. At length there came the servant to his
mistress, where she lay in bed, and did what he
would with her, and she was content ; and then she
told him how she had sent her husband into the
garden in her apparel, and wherefore, and to what
purpose. So her servant arose, and (as she bad
him) took a good staff with him, and went into
the garden, as though he knew not it was his
Master, and said unto him : Nay, you wh***, I did
this but only to prove thee, whether thou wouldest
be false to my good master, and not that I would
do such a vile thing with thee. Whereupon he fell
upon his Master, giving him many sore stripes, and
beating him most cruelly, still calling him nothing
but : Out, you wh***, will you offer this abuse to my
good Master 1 Alas (qd his Master), good John, I
am thy Master, strike me no more, I pray thee.
Nay, wh*** (qd he), I know who thou art well
enough j and so he struck him again, beating him
The Sackful of News. 1 7 1
most grievously. Good John (said his Master),
feel, I have a beard. Then the servant felt (know
ing well who it was), who presently kneeled down,
and cryed his Master mercy. Now thanks be to
God (qd his master), I have as good a servant of
thee as a man can have, and I have as good a wife
as the world affords. Afterwards the Master went
to bed and his servant also. When the old man
came to bed to his wife she demanded of him how
he sped. He answered and said : by my troth,
wife, I have the trustiest servant in the world and
as faithful a wife : for my servant came thither with
a great staff, and did beat me right sore, thinking
it had been you; whereupon I was well pleased
therewith. But ever after the servant was well
beloved of his Master, but better of his Mistress :
for his Master had no mistrust of him, though he
had made him a Cuckold. So the poore man was
cruelly beaten, and made a Summers Bird 1 never
theless.
(i) Sometimes the phrase is Summer Bird; but of course the cuckoo
is meant.
" Some time also licence they crave
To be with some neighbour in the midwives sted,
And all to the end some other knave
Shall dub her husband a summer bird."
Scholehouse of Women, 1560, 315-18.
1 72 The Sackful of News.
Another.
THERE was a man in the Country, who had not
been any far traveller, and dwelt far from any
church, except a church that was seven or eight
miles from his house, and there they never sung
mass nor Even song, but did ever say it. And on
a time he came to London, having never been here
before, and being in London, he went to Paul's
church, and went into the chappel, where they
sung Mass with organs, and when he heard the
melody of the Organs and the singing together,
that he never heard before, he thought he should
have gone to Heaven by and by, and looked and
said aloud that every one heard : O Lord, shall I
go to Heaven presently 1 I would thou wouldest
let me alone, till I might go home and fetch my
white stick and black hood, and then I would go
gladly with thee. Whereat all the people laughed
heartily.
Another.
THERE was an Essex man came to London, who
had a pair of shooes full of nails, and as he went
along Cheapside he passed by a merchants house
where many young men were at the door, and
The Sackful of News. 1 7 3
among the rest one of them perceived that the
man had nailes in his shooes, whereupon he said to
him : thou churle, why comest thou hither with thy
nailed shooes, and breakest the stones of our
streets 1 indeed I will shew my Lord Mayor of it.
When the Countryman heard him, he put off his
shooes, and carried them in his hand, and went in
his hose till he came to Pauls ; whereat everybody
laughed. And when he perceived that the people
laughed at him, he put on his shooes again.
Another.
THERE was a priest in the country which had
christned a child ; and when he had christned it,
he and the clark were bidden to the drinking that
should be there, and thither they went with other
people, and being there, the priest drunk and made
so merry, that he was quite foxed and thought to
go home before he laid him down to sleep. But
having gone a little way, he grew so drousie, that
he could go no further, but laid him down by a
ditch side, so that his feet did hang in the water,
and lying on his back, the Moon shined in his
face. Thus he lay, till the rest of the company
came from drinking, who as they came home
found the priest lying as aforesaid, and they
thought to get him away ; but do what they could
i/4 The Sackf^d of News.
he would not rise, but said : do not meddle with
me, for I lie very well, and will not stir hence
before morning ; but I pray lay some more
cloathes on my feet and blow out the candle, and
let me lie and take my rest.
Another.
THERE was once a country-man, which came to
London, where he had never been before, and as
he went over London bridge, he saw certain ships
sailing, being the first time he had seen any, and
perceiving the sails made of cloth, he thought to
assay if his plough would go so, and when he
came home, he caused his wife to give him a large
new sheet, and went and set it on the plow like a
sail, thinking the plow would go with the wind,
but it removed not, which when he saw, he said:
what the devil, have I spoiled my sheet about
nothing? So he set his horses to the plough
again.
Another.
A CERTAIN butcher was flaying a calf at night, and
had stuck a lighted candle upon his head, because
he would be the quicker about his business, and
I
The Sackful of News. 1 7 5
when he had done, he thought to take the same
candle to light him to bed, but he had forgot where
he had set it, and sought about the house for it,
and all the while it stuck in his cap upon his head,
and lighted him in seeking it. At the last one of
his fellowes came and asked him what he sought
for 1 Marry (quoth he), I look for the candle which
I did flay the calf withal. Why, thou fool, qd he,
thou hast a candle in thy cap : and then he felt
towards his cap and took away the candle burning,
where at there was great laughing, and he mocked
for his labour, as he was well worthy.
Another.
THERE was a man that had been drinking so hard
that he could scarse stand upon his feet, yet at
night he would go home, and as he went through a
green meadow neer a hedge side, the bryers held
him by the cloaths and the legs, and he had
thought that one had holden him, and would have
had him to drink more, and he said ; goodfellow,
let me go, by my troth I can drink no more, I have
drank so much already, that I cannot go home \
and there he abode all the same night, and en the
morrow went his ways.
1 76 The Sackful of News.
Another.
IT happened not long since, that upon Easter day,
two young fellows, that had been at the plow all
the days of their lives, came into the Church to
hear mass, both said and sung, as then it was
accustomed to be, and there they saw the priest go
censing with frankincense, and when they were
both out of the church again, and going home,
one of them cryed out to his fellow with a loud
voice, saying : Lob, I pray thee what was that the
priest went so whinging whanging withal \ Why
Hob (qd the other), dost thou not know ? It is
frankincense. Is it frankincense "? I am sure it
stunk as if the devil had been in the church.
Another.
THERE were once two men that were both master-
less and moneyless, and one said to the other:
what remedy canst thou now find out that we may
either get some meat or money 1 By my troth, (qd
the other) I do know a very fine shift; and being
very early in the morning they espyed a man
coming with hogs. [Then quod he : I will go and
meet this fellow,] 1 and I will tell him that they be
(i) A line or two containing something to this effect seems to have
dropt out of the original ed.
The Sackful of News. 1 77
sheep, 1 and I will cause him to lay a wager with
me, whether they be sheep or hogs: and I will
cause the matter to be judged by the next man
that cometh, but then thou must go another way
(i) This story, slightly varied, is also found in Scoggiris Jests', and in
a MS. belonging to Mr. Collier (see present vol. p. 56), the exploit is
attributed to Peele the dramatist and Singer the actor. Mr. Collier
printed this curious metrical version in his Extracts from the Registers
of the Stationers' Company, ii, 215; and as it forms an interesting
illustration of the subject, it is here given :
A JEST OF PEELE AND SINGER.
G- Peele and Singer travelling together
Neare Cambridge towne, where they oft times had playde ;
It was in summer, and full hot the weather ;
Sitting beneath a spreading beeches shade,
They saw a drove of pigs all coming thither,
A clownish hoggerd driving. Now, Peele saide,
He showe you sporte ; doe you my councell keepe,
And lie perswade the clowne his pigges are sheepe.
Go you on forward, or he sees you here,
And meete him comming, and unto him say,
Holla my friend ! are thy sheepe very deare?
I would buy some ; soe stoppe them on the waye.
Singer agreed, and made a circuit cleare
Over the fieldes, and that without delaye,
That he might meet the hoggerd on his roade,
Some halfe mile on, whilst G. Peele there abode.
Soone as the pigs came neare him and the man,
G. Peele slept forward and survey' d the drove,
As he would buy some, and bespake him than.
Those truly are fine sheepe, I sweare by Jove,
I nere saw finer since my time began :
Wilt thou sell one? for mutton much I love.
And true it was stewde mutton he lov'd well,
As anie man twixt this and Clerkenwell.
2. N
1 78 The Sackful of News.
and meet with us; when we demand of thee
whether they be sheep or hogs, thou must say that
they be sheep. Then they separated themselves
the one from the other, and the one went to meet
The hoggerd, hearing thus his pigs calde sheepe,
Did laugh outright whilst G. continued on :
Tell me, my friend, what shall I give to keepe
One of thy sheepe ? Say, and the bargaines done.
What ! cried the clowne, art thou not half asleepe,
To take my pigs for sheepe ? sheepe are they none,
But pigs ; and harke how they squeake, grunt, and snore
Ich never heard a sheepe bleate soe before.
Man, thou art mad, quoth Peele, and I will wager
These angels gainst a sheepe that sheepe they are.
Done, said the peasant to the humorous stager :
Take which you will, for hang me if I care.
Youle wish, ere long, said G. , you had been sager,
Ime very sure : but prithee now declare,
Who shall be judge betweene us : shall we saye
The first man that we meete upon the way ?
With all my hart, the hoggerd answered.
Singer, be sure, was not far off by now : ,
They saw him coming on the road. Then said
The hoggerd, Here's a stranger, as I vowe :
It may be Adam, or He loose my head.
His verdict in the matter He alowe,
Geo. Peele replied : to mee to[o] he's a stranger.
Thy sheepe, good frend, is mine, and in my danger.
When pigges are sheepe it is, but not till then,
The clowne replied. And so they drove a long
To meete with Singer, who, some nine or ten
Yardes distant, stood and gazde upon the throng
Of hogges, all grunting as when in a pen.
How sell you, you, your sheepe ? for them among
I see some fine ones, that I faine would buy.
How do you sell your sheepe ? lie buy one, I.
The Sackful of News. 1 79
the man that had the swine, bidding him good
morrow, the man doing the like to him again.
Then he said to the old man : father, where had
you your fair sheep. What sheep ? qd the man.
These sheep that you drive before you. Why,
qd the old man, they are Swine. W T hat (qd the
other), will you make me a fool ? think you I know
not sheep from swine 1 Marry (qd the old man)
I will lay one of my swine against what thou wilt,
that they be no sheep. I hold thee my coat
against one of thy l sheep, qd the other. I am
content, qd the old man ; by whom shall we be
tryed ? By the next man that meets us. Content,
said the old man. And then they perceived the
There ! exclaimed G., does he not call them sheepe?
And sheepe they are, albeit pigs you call them.
I have won my wager : one is mine to keepe,
And you were lucky not to jeoperd all them.
The hoggerd starde, and cride, If so you clepe
Pigs sheepe you have no eies, but faire befall them
If you have eies, then I my wittes have lost.
And that you have, said George, unto your cost.
The hoggerd scrat his head in strange confusion,
Rubbing his eyes and looking every waye.
He felt he must be under some delusion,
And pigs in truth were sheepe, as they did saye.
He never dreamed of the vilde abusion
They put upon him in the open daye,
But paid his wager mid the players laughter
And callde pigs sheepe, perchance, for ever after.
(i) Old ed. has my,
N 2
1 80 The Sackful of News.
man coming, being the fellow of the young man;
and when he came to them, the old man requested
him to tel them what beasts those were 1 Why
(qd he), they be sheep ; do you not know sheep ?
I told him so (qd the other young man) ; but he
would not believe me, and so I laid my coat upon
a wager that they were sheep, and he laid one of
his sheep against my coat that they were swine ;
and I won it, have I not 1 Yea (qd the old man) ;
but God help me, I bought them for swine. And
then the young man took one of the fattest hogs
he could find amongst them all, and carryed him
away, and his fellow went another way, as though
he had not known him, and the poore man re
turned again to the place where he had bought
them. What became of him afterward, I cannot
tell ; only this much I know, that he was deceived
by those two crafty fellows of one of his hogs.
But they immediately met one the other again, and
sold the hog for money, and rejoyced that they
fared so well, (not knowing how to have otherwise
sustained their wants).
Another.
THERE was a man born in Essex that had been
brought up in Norfolk from a child, and on a time
The Sack fid of News. 1 8 1
he was purposely minded to see his father and
mother in Essex ; and as he went he heard a cow
cry. Thanked be God, said he, that once before I
die, I hear my mothers tongue.
Another.
A MAN there was, that had a child born in the
North Countrey; and upon a time this man had
certain guests, and he prepared sallets and other
meat for them, and bid his boy go into the cellar
and take the sallet there (meaning the herbs) and
lay them in a platter, and put vinegar and oil
thereto. Now the boy had never seen a sallet
eaten in his Country; but he went, and looking
about the cellar, at last he espyed a rusty sallet of
steel sticking on a wall, and said to himself: what
will my master do with this in a platter ? So down
he took it, and put it into a platter and put Oil
and vinegar unto it, and brought it to the table.
Why, thou knave (qd his Master), I bad thee bring
the herbs which we call a Sallet. Now, by my
Sires sale, Master (said the boy), I did never see
such in my Country. Whereat the guests laughed
heartily.
182
The Sackful of News.
Another.
THERE was a Gentlewoman that had a French boy
dwelling with her, and on a time she gave the boy
a pennie to fetch her some graines for to eat
(supposing that he would go to the apothecaries
for them), but having the money he went into the
kitchen to the Maid, requiring her to give him a
basket : and then he went unto a brewhouse, and
fetcht a pennie worth' of grains. But the gentle
woman did greatly marvell where he tarryed so
long (supposing that he had been at the apothe
caries) ; but at last he came home with the basket
upon his shoulders full of graines. Then the
gentlewoman asked him if he had brought her the
graines. Yes, Mistresse (qd he), I have brought
you a penny worth of grains for your horse. Why,
knave (qd she), I meant thou shouldest go to the
apothecaries for them. By cock, Mistresse (qd he),
I knew not that, but I have brought such as I
could get. Whereupon the. gentlewoman laughed
heartily, to see how he had served her, through
meer simplicity.
The Sackful of News. 1 8 3
Another.
THERE was a widow in London that had a Dutch
man to her servant, before whom she set a rotten
cheese and butter for his dinner : and he eate of
the butter because he liked it, and his mistresse
bad him eat of the cheese. No, Mistresse, qd he,
the butter is good enough. She, perceiving he
would eat none of the bad cheese, said : thou
knave, thou art not to dwell with honest folkes.
By my troth, Mistresse, said he, had I taken heed
ere I came hither, I had never come here. Well,
knave, qd she, thou shalt go from on[e] wh*** to
another. Then will I go, qd he, from you to your
sister ; and so departed.
Another.
THERE was an Italian which loved Coleworts well,
and on a time he bad his boy go fetch him some
coleworts and set them over the fire against he
came home : and the boy knew not the coleworts,
but imagined thereby his master had meant coales,
and carried them into his masters chamber. But
then he thought with himself, that it would not be
good for him to set the basket on the fire, and let
them burn. Now when his Master came home, he
went into the kitchan, and demanded of the maid,
1 84 The Sackful of News.
if the Coleworts were ready. She said she saw none.
Then he said no more, but went to his chamber ;
and meeting the boy by the way, he asked him
for his Coleworts which he bad him make ready.
Marry, sir, said he, they be almost enough : for they
have lien rosting in the fire almost this hour.
Where are they, said the Master ? In your cham
ber, sir, qd the boy. So he went into his chamber
and there he saw a great fire, and then he asked
the boy again, where the coleworts were. Why,
Master, qd the boy, I understood you that you bad
me fetch coales, and hang them over the fire in the
basket, and if I should have done so, the basket
would have burned \ wherefore I took the basket,
and powred the coals on the fire. O whorson, qd
his Master, I bad thee to fetch some coleworts and
hang them in a kettle over the fire ; and he was
angry with the boy ; but the boy stil said he did as
he was bidden.
Another.
THERE was on a time a priest in the countrey that
preached upon a holiday in his parish church ; and
as he stood in the pulpit he perceived through a
hole in the glasse window, that other mens swine
were in his corn. What the mischief, said he, stand
I here fading the time to the devil, and see yonder
The Sackful of News. 185
swine are spoyling my corn. And then he leapt
out of the pulpit, and ran as if he had been mad ;
and left all the people to stand there like a com
pany of fools.
Another.
THERE was three young men going to Lambeth
along by the water side, and the one plaid with the
other, and they cast each others cap into the water,
in such sort as they could not get their caps again.
But over the place, where their caps were, did grow
a great old tree, the which did cover a great deale
of the water. One of them said to the rest : Sirs,
I have found a notable way to come by them.
First I will make myself fast by the middle with
one of your girdles unto the tree, and he that is
with you shall hang fast upon my girdle, and he
that is last shall take hold on him that holds fast
on my girdle ; and so with one of his hands he
may take up all our caps, and cast them on the
sand ; and so they did. But when they thought that
they had been most secure and fast, he that was
above felt his girdle slack, and said : soft, sirs, my
girdle slacketh. Make it fast quickly, said they ;
but as he was untying it to make it faster, they fell
all three into the water, and were well washed for
their pains.
1 86 The Sackful of News.
Another.
ON a time there was a priest in the country that
was not very well learned, and had but a small
living ; and he devised with himself how he might
get some money, and at last he bethought him that
making of baskets was a good trade, and so he fell
to it, and took a servant ; and so his servant and he
made six baskets every week, and when they had
made six baskets, then he knew it to be Sunday.
And on a time he had made six baskets, and knew
it not, and on the morrow began to make the
seventh. But he had overlabored himself, and forgot
to ring to Masse; then the people, resorting to
church, caused the bell to be rung. When the
priest heard it, he bad his servant go up to his
chamber, and look how many baskets were made ;
and the servant went up, and found six baskets.
Cocks body, Master, qd he, we have made six
baskets already. What the devill, said the priest,
have we made six baskets already ! then do I
know it is Sunday. Go therefore presently, and
help them ring to Masse : for by my troth I had
forgot myselfe.
The Sackful of News. 1 87
Another?-
Another?
Another.
IN the countrey dwelt a Gentlewoman who had a
French man dwelling with her, and he did ever use
to go to Church with her, and upon a time he and
his mistresse were going to church, and she bad
him pull the doore after him, and follow her to the
church; and so he took the doore betweene his
armes, and lifted it from the hooks, and followed
his mistresse with it. But when she looked behinde
her, and saw him bring the doore upon his back :
why, thou foolish knave, qd she, what wilt thou do
with the door 1 ? Mary, mistresse, qd he, you bad
me pull the doore after me. Why, whorson, qd she,
I did command thee that thou shouldest make fast
the doore after thee, and not to bring it upon thy
back after me. But after this, there was much
good sport and laughing at his simplicity and
foolishnesse therein.
(1) It was thought desirable to suppress this tale, which has no point,
and which is too gross for publication.
(2) A similar reason recommended the exclusion of this story.
TARLTON'S JESTS.
Tarltons Jests, drawn into three parts :
I. His Court- Witty Jests.
i. His Sound City Jests.
3. His Countrey Pretty Jests.
Full of Delight, Wit, and Honest Mirth. Lond. by J. H.
1611, 4.
Another edit. Lond. by J. H. for Andrew Crook, 1638, 4.
Tarltorfs Jests have been edited, with his Newes out of Pur-
gatorie, for the Shakespeare society, by J. O. Halliwell, Esq.
1844, 8.
THE ed. of 1611 is the earliest now known; but it is
beyond doubt that Tarltons Jests were in print before 1600.
The first part indeed is mentioned in one of Nash's tracts as
in existence prior to 1592, and was probably committed to the
press not long after the death of Tarlton, which happened in
Sept. 1588. The second part was licensed, it seems, in 1600.
Many of the stories in this collection, with some allowance
perhaps for exaggerations or slips of the memory on the part
of the narrator (whoever he was), may be looked upon as re
presenting actual incidents in the career of the great comic
performer, under whose name they pass current ; while others,
again, were merely new applications of old material, as for
instance, of the tales in Jack of Dover, 1604, like nearly all
the "Pleasant Conceits of Old Hobson," 1607. Tarlton 's
Jests are important as illustrations of contemporary merri
ment and as forming a link in the series of old English jest-
books now reproduced ; but we fear that the modern reader
will peruse the greater part of these merriments with an
unmoved countenance. Sir Roger Williams, when he said
in his Discourse of Warre, 1590, that Tarlton "was no
bodie out of his mirths," most probably meant that his only
merit lay in his impersonations of comic characters on the
stage ; and if so, Sir Roger was certainly not far wrong,
unless those productions by Tarlton which have not been
recovered possessed rather higher pretensions than Tarltons
Jests.
At the end of this tract will be found a collection of early
notices of Tarlton, from a variety of sources. It may be
worth mentioning here that the old ballad, called An Excel
lent Medley, printed about 1660, was directed to be sung to
the tune of Tarletoifs Medley.
TARLTON'S COURT-WITTY JESTS.
How Tarlton plaid the drunkard before the Queene.
THE Queene being discontented, which Tarlton
perceiving, took upon him to delight her with
some quaint jest ; whereupon he counterfaited a
drunkard, and called for beere, which was brought
immediately. Her Majestic, noting his humor,
commanded that he should have no more : for,
quoth shee, he will play the beast, and so shame
himselfe. Feare not you, quoth Tarlton, for your
beere is small enough. Whereat Her Majestic
laughed heartily, and commanded that he should
have enough.
How Tarlton deceived the watch in Fleetstreet.
TARLTON, having bin late at court, and comming
homewards thorow Fleetstreet, he espied the watch,
and, not knowing how to passe them, hee went
very fast, thinking by that meanes to goe unex-
amined. But the watchmen, perceiving that hee
shunned them, stept to him and commanded him,
192 Tarlton s Jests.
in the queene's name, to stand. 1 Stand ! quoth
Tarlton, let them stand that can : for I cannot.
So, falling downe as though he had been drunke,
they helpt him up, and so let him passe.
How Tarlton flow ted a lady in the court.
UPON a time, Tarlton being among certaine ladies
at a banquet which was at Greenwich, the queene
then lying there, one of the ladies had her face
full of pimples with heat at her stomake ; for
which cause she refused to drinke wine amongst
the rest of the ladies : which Tarlton perceiving,
for he was there of purpose to jest amongst them,
quoth he : a murren of that face, which makes all
the body fare the worse for it ! At which the rest
of the ladies laught, and she, blushing for shame,
left the banquet.
Tarltorfs opinion of oysters.
CERTAINE noblemen and ladies of the court, being
eating of oysters, one of them, seeing Tarlton,
called him, and asked him if he loved oysters.
(i) Dogb. you shall comprehend all vagrom men : you are to bid
any man stand, in the prince's name.
2 Watch. How, if 'a will not stand ?
Dogb. Why then, take no note of him, but let him go ; and presently
call the rest of the watch together, and thank God you are rid of a
knave." Much Ado About Nothing, iii. 3.
Tarltoris Jests. 193
No, quoth Tarlton, for they be ungodly meate,
uncharitable meat, and unprofitable meate. Why,
quoth the courtiers? They are ungodly, sayes
Tarlton, because they are eaten without grace ;
uncharitable, because they leave nought but
shells ; and unprofitable, because they must swim
in wine.
Tarlton 's resolution of a question.
ONE of the company taking the gentlemans part,
asked Tarlton at what time he thought the divell
to be most busied. When the pope dies, quoth
he. Why, saies the courtier 1 Marry, answered he,
then all the devells are troubled and busied to
plague him : for he hath sent many a soule before
him thither, that exclaime against him.
How a parsonage fell in Tarlton! s hands.
HER Majestic, dining in the Strand at the Lord
Treasurers, 1 the lords were very desirous that she
would vouchsafe to stay all night, but nothing
could prevaile with her. Tarlton was in his
clownes apparell, being all dinner while in the
(i) Burghley House, in the Strand. Halliwell.
2. O
IQ4 Tarlton's Jests.
presence with her, to make her merry; and
hearing the sorrow that the noblemen made that
they could not worke her stay, he asked the nobles
what they would give him to worke her stay. The
lords promised him any thing, to performe it.
Quoth he, procure me the parsonage of Shard.
They caused the patent to be drawne presently.
He got on a parson's gowne and a corner-cap,
and, standing upon the stairs, where the queene
should descend, he repeated these words : a par
son or no parson 1 a parson, or no parson 1 But
after she knew his meaning, shee not only stayd
all night, but the next day willed he should have
possession of the benefice. A madder parson was
never : for he threatned to turne the bellmettle
into lyning for his purse ; which he did : the par
sonage and all, into ready money.
How Tarlton proved two gentlewomen dishonest by
their owne words.
TARLTON seeing in Greenwich two gentlewomen in
the garden together, to move mirth, comes to them,
and enquires thus : gentlewomen, which of you
two is the honester ? I, sayes the one, I hope
without exceptions : and I, quoth the other, since
Tarltoris Jests. 195
we must speake for ourselves. So, then, sayes
Tarlton, one of you, by your own words, is dis
honest, one being honester than the other, else
you would answere otherwise ; but, as I found
you, so I leave you.
How Tarlton answered a wanton gentlewoman?-
How Tarlton dared a lady.
AT the dinner in the great chamber, where Tarlton
jested, the ladies were daring one another. Quoth
one, I ever durst do anything that is honest and
honourable. A French crowne of that, sayes
Tarlton. Ten pound of that, sayes the lady.
Done, sayes one. Done, sayes another. Tarlton
put two pence betwixt his lips, and dared her to
take it away with her lips. Fie ! sayes shee, that
is immodesty. What, to kisse, says Tarlton ! then
immodesty beares a great hand over all ; but once
in your life, say you have beene beaten at your
owne weapon. Well, sir, sayes shee, you may
say any thing. Then, sayes Tarlton, remember I
say you dare not, and so my wager is good.
(i) This anecdote is pointless and too indelicate to print.
O 2
icj6 Tarlton's Jests.
How Tarlton landed at Cuckolds-haven.^-
TARLTON, being one Sunday at court all day,
caused a paire of oares 2 to tend him, who at
night called on him to be gone. Tarlton, being
a carousing, drunk so long to the watermen, that
one of them was bumpsie ; 3 and so, indeede, were
all three for the most part. At last they left
Greenwich; the tide being at great low fall, the
watermen, yet afraide of the crosse cables by the
Lime House, very dark and late as it was, landed
Tarlton at Cuckolds-haven, and said the next day
they would give him a reason for it. But Tarlton
was faine to goe by land to Redriffe 4 on the dirty
banke, every step knee-deepe : so that, comming
home, hee called one of his boyes to help him off
with his boots, meaning his stockings, which were
(1) On the Thames, below Rotherhithe, now known as Cuckold's Point.
(2) i.e. Oarsmen.
(3) Maudlin.
(4) Rotherhithe, which is still pronounced as if it was spelled Redriffe or
Ridriffe. "It (Hell) stands further off then the Indies; yet to see the
wonderful power of navigation, if you have but a side-winde, you may
saile sooner thither than a married man can upon St. Lukes day to Cuck
olds haven from St. Katherins." Dekker's Knights Conjuring, 1607.
See Eastward Hoe by Marston, &c. 1605 ; Webster's works, ed.
Hazlitt, 'i, 128; Taylor W. P.'s works, 1630, ii, 21. Tate wrote a farce
called Cuckold's Haven, printed in 1685.
Tarltoris Jests. 197
died of another colour. Whereupon one gave him
this theame 1 next day :
Tarlton, tell mee, for fayne would I know,
If thou wert landed at Cuckolds-haven or no ?
Tarlton answered thus :
Yes, sir, I tak't in no scorne,
For many land there, yet misse of the home.
Hoiv Tarlton fought with Black Davie.
NOT long since lived a little swaggerer, 2 called
Blacke Davie, who would at sword and buckler
fight with any gentleman or other for twelve pence.
He being hired to draw upon Tarlton for breaking
a jest upon huffing 3 Kate, a punke, as men termed
her, one evening, Tarlton comming forth at the
court gate, being at Whitehall, and walking toward
the Tilt yard, this Davie immediately drew upon
Tarlton who on the sudden, though amazed, drew
likewise, and enquired the cause ; which Davie
denied, till they had fought a bout or two . Tarlton
couragiously got within him, and, taking him in his
(1) To "give themes" was in Tarlton's time a very favourite practice
among literary associates and otherwise. See Gascoigne's Posies, 1575
(Flowers, xxix).
(2) A bully who probably attached himself to houses of ill-repute, and
took part with the inmates against visitors. The character is still a com
mon one.
(3) Blustering.
198 Tarltoris Jests.
armes, threw him into the Tilt yard ; who, falling
upon his nose, broke it extremely, that ever after
he snuffled in the head. Poore Davie, lying all
that night in the Tilt yard, expecting the doores to
be opened, came forth, and at the barber-surgeon's
told of this bloody combat : and the occasion of
it was, quoth he, because Tarlton, being in a
taverne in the company of this damnable cocka
trice, huffing Kate, called for wine; but she told
him that, without he would burne it, she would not
drink. No, quoth Tarlton, it shall be burnt : for
thou canst burne it without fire. As how, sir, quoth
she. Mary, thus ; take the cup in thine hand, and
I will tell thee. So he, filling the cup in her hand,
said it was burnt sufficiently in so fiery a place.
Shee, perceiving herselfe so flouted, hired me to
be her champion to revenge her quarrell.
How Tarlton answered the watchmen, camming
from the court.
TARLTON, having plaied before the queene till one
a clock at midnight, comming homewards, one of
them espied him, [and] called him : sirra, what art
thou ? A woman, sayes Tarlton. Nay, that is a
lye, say the watchmen, women have no such beards.
Tarltoris Jests. 199
Tarlton replyed : if I should have said a man, that
you know to be true, and would have bidden me
tel you that you know not ; therefore, I said a
woman; and so I am all woman, having pleased
the queene, being a woman. Well, sirra, sayes
another, I presente 1 the queene. Then am I a
woman, indeed, sayes Tarlton, as well as you : for
you have a beard as well as I, and truly, Mistriss
Annis, my buske is not done yet ; when will yours 1
Leave thy gibing, fellow, saith the watch ; the
queenes will is that, whosoever is taken without
doores after ten a clocke, shall bee committed ; and
now it is past one. Commit all such, sayes Tarl
ton : for if it be past one a clock, it will not be
ten this eight hours. With that one lifts up his
lanthorne, and lookes him in the face, and knew
him. Indeed, M. Tarlton, you have more wit then
all we : for it is true that ten was before one,
but now one is before ten. It is true, quoth
Tarlton, watchmen had wont to have more wit,
but for want of sleepe, they are turned fooles.
So Tarlton stole from them, and they, to seeme
wise, went home to bed. 2
(1) i.e. represent.
(2) See Taylor's Wit and Mirth, 1622, No. 47.
2OO Tarltorts Jests.
Tarlton 1 s answer to a courtier.
TARLTON being in the court all night, in the
morning he met a great courtier comming from
his chamber who, espying Tarlton, said : good-
morrow, M. Didimus and Tridimus. Tarlton,
being somewhat abashed, not knowing the meaning
thereof, said : sir, I understand you not ; expound,
I pray you. Quoth the courtier : Didimus and Tri
dimus is a foole and a knave. You overloade me,
replied Tarlton : for my backe cannot beare both ;
therefore, take you the one, and I will take the
other; take you the knave, and I will carry the
foole with me.
Tar lion's quip for a yong courtier.
THERE was a yong gentleman in the court that
had first bin with the mother, and after with the
daughter j and, having so done, asked Tarlton
what it resembled. Quoth he : As if you should
first have eaten the hen, and after the chicken.
Tarltoris Jests. 201
Tarltoris answere to a nobleman's question}-
THERE was a nobleman that asked Tarlton what
hee thought of souldiers in time of peace. Marry,
quoth he, they are like chimnies in summer.
Tarltons Jest to an unthrifty courtier,
THERE was an unthriftie gallant belonging to the
court that had borowd five pounds of Tarlton ;
but, having lost it at dice, he sent his man to
Tarlton to borrow five pounds more by the same
token hee owed him already five pounds. Pray
tel your master, quoth Tarlton, that if he will send
me the token, I will send him the money : for who
deceives me once, God forgive him ! if twice, God
forgive him ! but if thrice, God forgive him ! but
not me, because I could not beware.
How Tarlton flouted two gallants.
TARLTON being in a merry vaine, as hee walked in
the great Hall in Greenwitch, hee met my old Lord
Chamberlaine going betweene two fantasticke gal
lants, and cryed aloud unto him : my lord, my lord,
you goe in great danger. Whereat amazed, hee asked
whereof. Of drowning, quoth Tarlton, were it not
for those two bladders under each of your armes.
(i) See Additional Notes, &c. at the end of the present vol.
2O2 Tarlton's Jests.
TARLTON'S SOUND CITY JESTS.
Tarltott s jest of a red face.
AN ordinary in White Fryers, which gentlemen
used, by reason of extraordinary diet, this Tarlton
often frequented, as well to continue acquaintance
as to please his appetite. 1 It chanced so upon a
time especially, being set amongst the gentlemen
and gallants, they enquired of him why melancholy
had got the upper hand of his mirth. To which
he said little, but with a squint eye, as custome
had made him hare-eyed, hee looked for a jest to
make them merry. At last he espied one that sate
on his left side, which had a very red face, he being
a very great gentleman, which was all one to Tarl
ton. Hee presently in great haste called his host :
Who doe I serve, my host, quoth Tarlton. The
Queenes Majestic, replied the good man of the
house. How happens it, then, quoth Tarlton, that
to her Majesties disgrace, you dare make me a
companion with servingmen, clapping my Lord
(i) Orig. reads To an ordinary in White Fryers, -where gentlemen
used, by reason of extraordinary diet, to this, &c. The meaning is, that
at this establishment persons were invariably well served for their money.
Tarltoris Jests. 203
Shandoyes 1 cullisance 2 upon my sleeve % looking
at the gentleman with the red face. Mee thinkes,
quoth he, it fits like the Saracens head without
Newgate. The gentlemans salamanders face burnt
like Etna for anger. The rest laughed heartily.
In the end, all enraged, the gentleman swore to
fight with him at next meeting.
A sudden and dangerous fray twixt a gentleman and
Tarlton, which he ptit off with a jest
As Tarlton and others passed along Fleet Street,
he espied a spruce yong gallant, black of com
plexion, with long haire hanging downe over his
eares, and his beard of the Italian cut, in white
sattin very quaintly cut, and his body so stiffely
starcht, that he could not bend himselfe any way
for no gold. Tarlton, seeing such a wonder com-
ming, trips before him, and, meeting this gallant,
tooke the wall of him, knowing that one so proud
at least looked for the prerogative. The gallant,
scorning that a player shoulde take the wall, or so
much indignifie him, turnes himselfe, and presently
drew his rapier. Tarlton drew likewise. The
gentleman fell to it roundly; but Tarlton, in his
(1) William Brydges, Lord Chandos, ob. 1602. He kept a company
of players.
(2) Badge.
204 Tarlton' s Jests.
owne defence, compassing and traversing his
ground, gaped with a wide mouth, whereat the
people laughed. The gentleman, pausing, en
quired why he gaped so. O, sir, saies he, in
hope to swallow you : for, by my troth, you
seeme to me like a prune in a messe of white
broth. At this the people parted them. The
gentleman, noting his mad humour, went his way
well contented : for he knew not how to amend it.
Tarltoris Jest of a pippin.
AT the Bull in Bishops-gate-street, where the
queenes players oftentimes played, Tarlton com-
ming on the stage, one from the gallery threw a
pippin at him. Tarlton tooke up the pip, and,
looking on it, made this sudden jest :
Pip in, or nose in, chuse you whether,
Put yours in, ere I put in the other.
Pippin you have put in : then, for my grace,
Would I might put your nose in another place.
A jest of an apple hitting Tarlton on the face.
TARLTON having flouted the fellow for his pippin
which hee threw, hee thought to be meet with
Tarltoris Jests. 205
Tarlton at length. So, in the play, Tarlton's part
was to travell who, kneeling down to aske his
father blessing, the fellow threw an apple at him,
which hit him on the cheek. Tarlton taking up
the apple, made this jest :
Gentlemen, this fellow, with this face of mapple,
Instead of a pipin, hath thrown me an apple,
But as for an apple, he hath cast a crab ;
So, instead of an honest woman, God hath sent
him a drab.
The people laughed heartily : for he had a queene
to his wife.
How Tarlton and one in the gallery fell out.
IT chanced that, in the midst of a play, after long
expectation for Tarlton, being much desired of the
people, at length hee came forth, where, at his
entrance, one in the gallerie pointed his finger at
him, saying to a friend that had never scene him :
that is he. Tarlton, to make sport at the least
occasion given him, and seeing the man point with
the finger, he in love againe held up two fingers.
The captious fellow, jealous of his wife, for he
was married, and because a player did it, took
the matter more hainously, and asked him why
206 Tarltorts Jests.
he made homes at him. No, quoth Tarlton, they
be fingers :
For there is no man, which in love to me,
Lends me one finger, but he shall have three.
No, no, sayes the fellow, you gave me the homes.
True, sayes Tarlton : for my fingers are tipt with
nailes, which are like homes, and I must make a
shew of that which you are sure of. This matter
grew so, that the more he meddled the more it
was for his disgrace ; wherefore the standers by
counselled him to depart, both hee and his homes,
lest his cause grew desperate. So the poore fellow,
plucking his hat over his eyes, went his wayes.
How fiddlers fiddled away Tarlton 's apparell.
IT chanced that one Fancy and Nancy, 1 two
musicians in London, used often with their boyes 2
to visit Tarlton when he dwelt in Gracious-street
at the signe of the Saba, a taverne, he being one
of their best friends or benefactors, by reason of
old acquaintance ; to requite which they came one
summer's morning to play him The Hunt's Up with
such musicke as they had. Tarlton, to requite
them, would open his chamber doore, and for their
(i) Probably assumed names. (2) i. e. their singing-boys.
Tarlton' s Jests. 207
paines would give them muskadine ; which a cony-
catcher noting, and seeing Tarlton come forth in
his shirt and nightgowne to drinke* with these
musicians, the while this nimble fellow stept in,
and tooke Tarltons apparell, which every day he
wore, thinking if 1 he were espied to turne it to
jest; but it passed for currant, and he goes his
wayes. Not long after, Tarlton returned to his
chamber, and looked for his cloathes, but they
were safe enough from him. The next day, this
was noised abroad, and one in mockage threw him
in this theame, he playing then at the Curtaine :
Tarlton, I will tell thee a jest
Which after turned to earnest.
One there was, as I heard say,
Who in his shirt heard musicke play,
While all his clothes were stolne away.
Tarlton, smiling at this, answered on the sudden
thus i-
That's certaine, sir, it is no lie,
That same one in truth was I.
When that the theefe shall pine and lacke,
Then shall I have cloathes to my backe :
And I, together with my fellowes,
May see them ride to Tiborne gallowes.
(i) Orig. reads that if.
208 Tarlton' s Jests.
Of Tarlton and a beggar.
THERE was a poore begger, but a conceited fellow
who, seeing Tarlton at his doore, asked something
of him for Gods cause. Tarlton, putting his hand
in his pocket, gave him two pence instead of a
penny, at which Tarlton made this ryme :
Of all the beggers most happy thou art,
For to thee mine hand is better then my heart.
Quoth the begger :
True it is, master, as it chanceth now :
The better for me, and the worse for you.
How Tarlton deceived a doctor of physicke.
TARLTON, to satisfie the humours of certaine gen
tlemen his familiar acquaintance, went about for to
try the skil of a simple doctor of physick, that
dwelt not far from Islington, and thus it was. He
tooke a faire urinal, and filled it halfe full of good
wine, and bore it to this doctor, saying it was a
sicke man's water. He viewed it, and tossing it
up and downe, as though he had great knowledge,
quoth he : the patient, whose water it is, is full of
grosse humors, and hath neede of purging, and to
Tar lion's Jests, 209
be let some ten ounces of bloud. No, you dunce,
replyed Tarlton, it is good [wine], and with that
drunke it off; and threw the urinall at his head.
How Tarlton frightened a country fellow.
TARLTON, passing through London, by chance he
heard a simple country fellow in an alehouse,
calling for a Kingstone pot of ale, stept in to
him, and threatened to accuse him of treason,
saying : sirra, I have scene and tasted of a penny
pot of ale, and have found good of the price, but
of a Kingstone coyne I never heard, therefore it
is some counterfet, and I must know how thou
earnest by it. Hereupon, the country fellow was
driven into such amaze, that out of doores he
got, and tooke him to his heeles, as though wilde
fire had followed him.
How Tarlton was deceived by his wife in London.
TARLTON being merrily disposed, as his wife and
he sate together, he said unto her : Kate, answer
me to one question without a lye, and take this
crown of gold, which shee took on condition, that
if she lost, to restore it back again. Quoth Tarl
ton : am I a cuckold or no, Kate 1 Whereat shee
2. P
2io Tarltoris Jests.
answered not a word, but stood silent, notwith
standing he urged her many waies. Tarlton,
seeing she would not speak, askt his gold againe.
Why, quoth shee, have I made any lye ? No, sayes
Tarlton. Why then, good man foole, I have won
the wager. Tarlton, mad with anger, made this
rime :
As women in speech can revile a man,
So can they in silence beguile a man.
One askt Tarlton what country man the divell was.
IN Carter Lane, dwelt a merry cobler who, being
in company with Tarlton, askt him what country
man the divell was. Quoth Tarlton, a Spaniard :
for Spaniards, like the divell, trouble the whole
world.
A cheese-monger's question to Tarlton.
IN time of scarcity, a simple cheese-monger,
hearing Tarlton commended for his quick wit,
came unto him, and asked him why he thought
cheese and butter to be so deere. Tarlton an
swered : because wood and coales are so deare,
for butter and cheese a man may eate without a
fire.
Tarlton' s Jests. 211
Tarltoris answere to a rich Londoner.
TARLTON, meeting a rich Londoner, fell into talke
about the Bishop of Peterborough, highly praising
his bountie to his servants, his liberality to stran
gers, his great hospitality and charity to the poore.
He doth well, sayes the rich man : for what he
hath, he hath but during his life. Why, quoth
Tarlton, for how many lives have you your goods ?
How Tarlton gave away his dinner.
As Tarlton and his wife sate at dinner, his wife
being displeased with him, and thinking to crosse
him, she gave away halfe his meate unto a poore
begger, saying : take this for my other husband's
sake. Whereupon Tarlton tooke all that was left,
and likewise bade the poore fellow to pray for his
other wives soule.
Tarlton 's answere to a boy in a rime. 1
THERE was a crack-rope boy [who,] meeting
Tarlton in London street, sung this rime unto
Tarlton :
(i) This anecdote also occurs in MS. Sloane 1489, fol. 19, with a few
immaterial variations. Halliwell.
P 2
212 Tarlton' s Jests.
Woe worth thee, Tarlton,
That ever thou wast borne ;
Thy wife hath made thee cuckold,
And thou must weare the home.
Tarlton presently answered him in extemporie
What and if I be, boy,
I'me ne're the worse ;
She keepes me like a gentleman,
With mony in my purse.
How Tarlton bad himself e to dinner to my Lord
Maiors.
A JEST came in Tarlton's head where to dine, and
thought he : in all that a man does, let him aime
at the fairest : for sure, if I bid my selfe any where
this day, it shall be to my Lord Maiors, and upon
this goes to the Counter, and entered his action
against my Lord Maior, who was presently told
of it, and sends for him. Tarlton waits dinner
time, and then comes : who was admitted presently.
Master Tarlton, saies my Lord Maior, have you
entered an action against me in the Poultry
Counter? My Lord, saies Tarlton, have you
entred an action against mee in Woodstreet
Counter? Not I, in troth, saies My Lord. No!
Tarlton' s Jests. 213
saies Tarlton, he was a villaine that told me so
then ; but if it bee not so, forgive me this fault,
My Lord, and I will never offend in the next.
But in the end he begins to sweare how he will
be revenged on him that mockt him, and flings
out in a rage. But my lord said : stay, M. Tarlton,
dine with me, and no doubt but after dinner you
will be better minded. I will try that, my lord,
saies Tarlton, and, if it alter mine anger, both
mine enemy and I will thanke you together for
this courtesie.
Tarlton 1 s jest of a box on the eare.
ONE, that fell out with his friend, meetes him in
the street, and calling him into a corner, gave him
a box on the eare, and feld him, getting him gone,
and never told wherefore he did so ; which Tarlton
beholding, raised up the fellow, and asked him the
reason of their sudden falling out. Can you tell,
sir, said the fellow : for by my troth as yet I can
not 1 Well, said Tarlton, the more foole you, for
had I such feeling of the cause, my wit would
remember the injurie ; but many men are goslings :
the more they feele, the lesse they conceive.
214 Tarltoris Jests.
Tarlton' s jest to two tailors.
TARLTON, meeting two tailors, friends of his, in
the evening, in mirth cries : who goes there 1 A
man answered : a tailor. How many is there 1
One. Yea, said Tarlton. Two, said the other
tailor. Then you say true, said Tarlton : for two
tailors goe to a man. But before they parted they
foxt Tarlton at the Castle in Pater Noster Row,
that Tarlton confest them two tailors to be honest
men. So what they spent in the purse they got
in the person. Comming but one, by Tarlton's
account, they returned two ; but Tarlton, comming
one, returned lesse by his wit : for that was shrunk
in the wetting.
How Tarlton jested at his wife.
TARLTON and his wife, keeping an ordinary in
Pater Noster Row, were bidden out to supper,
and because he was a man noted, shee would
not goe with him in the street, but intreats him
to keepe one side, and she another, which he
consented to. But as he went, hee would cry
out to her, and say : turne that way, wife ; and
anon : on this side, wife ; so the people flockt the
Tarlton s Jests. 215
more to laugh at them. But his wife, more than
mad angry, goes backe againe, and almost forswore
his company.
How Tarlton committed a raker's^- horse to ward.
WHEN Tarlton dwelt in Gracious street, at a tavern
at the sign of the Saba, 2 he was chosen scavenger ;
and often the ward complained of his slacknesse
in keeping the streets cleane. So on a time, when
the cart came, he asked the raker why he did his
businesse so slacklye. Sir, said he, my fore horse
was in the fault who, being let bloud and drencht
yesterday, I durst not labour him. Sir, said Tarl
ton, your horse shall smart for it, and so leads
him to the counter ; which the raker laught at, and
without his horse did his worke with the rest,
thinking Tarlton's humour was but to jest, and
would returne him his horse againe anon. But
when that anon came, hee was faine to pay all his
fees of the prison, as directly as if hee himselfe had
beene there. For if Tarlton had committed the
master, the businesse had not gone forward ;
therefore the horse was in prison for the master.
(1) A person who raked the dirt off the road or street. Halliwell.
(2) Now the Bell-Savage.
216 Tarltons Jests.
How Tarlton made Armin 1 his adopted sonne, to
succeed him.
TARLTON keeping a taverne in Gracious street, hee
let it to another, who was indebted to Armin's
master, a goldsmith in Lombard street, yet he
himselfe had a chamber in the same house ; and
this Armin, being then a wag, came often thither
to demand his masters money, which he sometimes
had, and sometimes had not. In the end the man,
growing poore, told the boy hee had no money for
his master, and hee must beare with him. The
man's name being Charles, Armin made this verse,
writing it with chalke on a wainescot :
O world, why wilt thou lye 1
Is this Charles the great 1 that I deny.
Indeed Charles the great before,
But now Charles the lesse, being poore.
Tarlton, coming into the roome, reading it, and
partly acquainted with the boyes humour, comming
often thither for his master's money, tooke a piece
of chalk, and wrote this ryme by it :
A wagge thou art, none can prevent thee ;
And thy desert shall content thee.
(i) The celebrated actor and author.
Tarltoris Jests. 217
Let me divine. As I am,
So in time thou'lt be the same,
My adopted sonne therefore be,
To enjoy my clownes sute after me.
And see how it fell out. The boy, reading this,
so loved Tarlton after that, regarding him with
more respect, hee used to his playes, and fell in
a league with his humour : and private practise
brought him to present playing, and at this houre
performes the same where, at the Globe on the
Banks side, men may see him.
Tarltoris greeting with Banks his horse.
THERE was one Banks, in the time of Tarlton,
who served the Earle of Essex, and had a horse
of strange qualities, and being at the Crosse-keyes
in Gracious streete, getting mony with him, as he
was mightily resorted to. Tarlton then, with his
fellowes, playing at the Bel by, came into the
Crosse-keyes, amongst many people, to see fashions,
which Banks perceiving, to make the people laugh,
saies : signior, (to his horse,) go fetch me the
veryest foole in the company. The jade comes
immediately, and with his mouth drawes Tarlton
forth. Tarlton, with merry words, said nothing,
2i8 Tarlton' s Jests.
but " God a mercy horse." In the end, Tarlton,
seeing the people laugh so, was angry inwardly,
and said : sir, had I power of your horse, as you
have, I would doe more than that. What ere it
be, said Banks, to please him, I will charge him
to do it. Then saies Tarlton : charge him to bring
me the veriest whore-master in the company. The
horse leades his master to him. Then "God a
mercy horse, indeed," saies Tarlton. The people
had much ado to keep peace; but Bankes and
Tarlton had like to have squar'd, and the horse
by to give aime. 1 But ever after it was a by word
thorow London, God a mercy horse ! and is to this
day.
An excellent jest of Tarlton suddenly spoken.
AT the Bull at Bishops-gate, was a play of Henry
the fift, 2 wherein the judge was to take a box on
the eare ; and because he was absent that should
take the blow, Tarlton himselfe, ever forward to
please, tooke upon him to play the same judge,
besides his owne part of the clowne : and Knel 3
(1) See Nares (edit. 1859) in voce aim (to give).
(2) This was the old drama of " The Famous Victories of Henry the
Fifth," 1598.
(3) William Knell, a celebrated comedian, mentioned in T. Heywood's
Apology for Actors, 1612.
Tar lion's Jests. 219
then playing Henry the fift, hit Tarlton a sound
boxe indeed, which made the people laugh the
more, because it was he. But anon the judge
goes in, and immediately Tarlton in his clownes
cloathes comes out, and askes the actors what
newes. O, saith one, hadst thou been here, thou
shouldest have scene Prince Henry hit the judge
a terrible box on the eare : What, man, said
Tarlton, strike a judge ! It is true, yfaith, said
the other. No other like, said Tarlton, and it
could not be but terrible to the judge, when the
report so terrifies me, that me thinkes the blow
remain es still on my cheeke, that it burnes againe.
The people laught at this mightily : and to this
day I have heard it commended for rare ; but no
marvell : for he had many of these. But I would
see our clowns in these dayes do the like; no,
I warrant ye, and yet they thinke well of them
selves, to[o].
\
Tarltoris jest with a boy in the street.
A WAG halter-boy 1 met Tarlton in the street, and
said : master Tarlton, who lives longest ? Mary,
boy, saies Tarlton, he that dies latest. And why
dye men so fast, said the boy 1 Because they want
(i) i.e. a stable-boy.
22O Tarltons Jests.
breath, said Tarlton. No, rather, said the boy, be
cause their time is come. Then, thy time is come,
said Tarlton ; see, who comes yonder. Who, said
the boy ? Mary, said Tarlton, Bull the hangman,
or one that would willingly be thy hangman. Nay,
hang me then, if I imploy him at this time, said
the boy. Well, said Tarlton, then thou wilt be
hanged by thy ovvne confession ; and so they
parted.
A jest of Tarlton^ proving mustard to have wit.
TARLTON, keeping an ordinary in Paternoster row,
and sitting with gentlemen to make them merry,
would approve mustard standing before them to
have wit. How so, saies one 1 ? It is like a witty
scold, meeting another scold, knowing that scold
will scold, begins to scold first ; so, saies he, the
mustard being lickt up, and knowing that you will
bite it, begins to bite you first. He try that, saies
a gull by ; and the mustard so tickled him, that
his eyes watered. How now, saies Tarlton ; does
my jest savour 1 I, saies the gull, and bite too.
If you had had better wit, saies Tarlton, you
would have bit first : so then conclude with me,
that dumbe unfeeling mustard hath more wit than
a talking unfeeling foole, as you are. Some were
Tarltoris Jests. 221
pleased, and some were not but all Tarlton's care
was taken : for his resolution was ever, before he
talkt any jest [, to measure his opponent]. 1
How Tarlton tooke tobacco at the first camming up
of it.
TARLTON, as other gentlemen used, at the first
comming up of tobacco, did take it more for
fashion's sake then otherwise \ and being in a
roome, set between two men overcome with wine,
and they never seeing the like, wondred at it, and
seeing the vapour come out of Tarlton's nose,
cryed out : fire, fire ! and threw a cup of wine in
Tarlton's face. Make no more stirre, quoth Tarl
ton, the fire is quenched ; if the sheriffes come, it
will turne to a fine, as the custome is. And
drinking that againe : fie, sayes the other, what
a stinke it makes ; I am almost poysoned. If it
offend, saies Tarlton, let's every one take a little
of the smell, and so the savour will quickly goe :
but tobacco whiffes made them leave him to pay
all.
(i) Something to this effect seems to have dropt out of the old ed.
The sense is not complete, as the text stands.
222 Tarltoris Jests.
TARLTON'S PRETTY COUNTREY JESTS.
Tarltorts wit betweene a Bird and a Woodcock.
IN the city of Glocester, M. Bird 1 of the chappell
met with Tarlton who, joyfull to regreet other, 2
went to visit his friends. Amongst the rest, M.
Bird of the queenes chappell visited M. Woodcock
of the colledge when, meeting, many friendly
speeches past, amongst which M. Woodcock
challenged M. Bird of him, who mused that hee
was of his affinity and hee never knew it. Yes,
sayes M. Woodcock, every woodcock is a bird,
therefore it must needs be so. Lord, sir, sayes
Tarlton, you are wide, for though every woodcock
be a bird, yet every bird is not a woodcock. So
Master Woodcock like a woodcock bit his lip, and
mumbudget 3 was silent.
(1) The musician of that name.
(2) i.e. to greet one another again.
(3) In the Merry Wives of Windsor, V. 2, Master Slender says :
" I come to her in white, and cry mum, and she cries
Budget, and by that we know one another. "
.Tarltorfs Jests. . 223
Tarlton's jest of a gridiron.
WHILE the queenes players lay in Worcester City
to get money, it was his custome for to sing ex
tempore of theames given him, amongst which
they were appointed to play the next day. Now,
one fellow of the city amongst the rest, that seemed
quaint of conceit, to lead other youths with his fine
wit, gave out that the next day hee would give him
a theam, to put him to a nonplus. Divers of his
friends, acquainted with the same, expected some
rare conceit. Well, the next day came, and my
gallant gave him his invention in two lines, which
was this :
Me thinkes it is a thing unfit,
To see a gridiron turne the spit.
The people laughed at this, thinking his wit knew
no answere thereunto, which angered Tarlton
exceedingly; and presently, with a smile looking
about, when they expected wonders, he put it off
thus :
Methinkes it is a thing unfit,
To see an asse have any wit.
The people hooted for joy, to see the theame giver
dasht who, like a dog with his taile betweene his
224 Tarltoris Jests.
legs, left the place. But such commendations
Tarlton got, that hee supt with the bailiffe that
night, where my theamer durst not come, although
he were sent for, so much [was] he vexed at that
unlookt for answer.
Tarlton 's answer in defence of his flat nose.
I REMEMBER I was once at a play in the country
where, as Tarlton's use was, the play being done,
every one so pleased [was wont] to throw up his
theame ; amongst all the rest, one was read to this
effect, word by word :
Tarlton, I am one of thy friends, and none of thy
foes.
Then I prethee tell how cam'st by thy flat nose :
Had I beene present at that time on those banks,
I would have laid my short sword over his long
shankes.
Tarlton, mad at this question, as it was his pro
perty sooner to take such a matter ill then well,
very suddenly returned him this answere :
Friend or foe, if thou wilt needs know,
Marke me well :
With parting dogs and bears, then, by the ears,
This chance fell :
Tarltoris Jests. 225
But what of that ?
Though my nose be flat,
My credit to save,
Yet very well I can by the smell,
Scent an honest man from a knave.
Tar Itorts jest of a Bristow man.
WHEN the queenes players were restrained in sum
mer, 1 they travelled downe to S. James his faire at
Bristow, where they were worthily entertained both
of Londoners and those cittizens. It hapned that
a wealthy citizen, called M. Sunbanke, one morning
secretly married his maid, but not so secret but
it was blowne abroad. That morning, Tarlton and
others, walking in the faire to visit his familiar
friends of London, and beeing in company of
Bristow men, they did see M. Sunbanke comming,
who had [t] his property with his necke, not to
stirre it any way but to turne body and all. It
chanced at the faire-end hee stood to **** against
a wall, to whome Tarlton came, and clapping him
on the shoulder : God give you joy of your mar
riage, saies he. M. Sunbanke, being taken *****
against the wall, would have looked back to thank
him, and suddenly turnes about, body and all, in
(i) Restrained, probably, from playing in London.
2. Q
226 Tarlton' s Jests.
the view of many, and shewed all : which so abasht
him that (ashamed) hee tooke into a taverne, pro
testing that he had rather have spent ten pound.
Sure, said the vintner, the fault is in your necke,
which will not turn without the bodies assistance,
and not in M. Tarlton. Call you him M. Tarlton,
saies M. Sunbanke ? Yea, sir, sayes the vintner,
he is the queenes jester. He may be whose jester
hee will bee, but this jest agrees not with me at
this time, saies M. Sunbanke.
.
A jest broke of Tarlton by a country gentleman.
IN the country, where the queenes plaiers were
accepted into a gentleman's house, the waggon
unlading of the apparell, the wagoner comes to
Tarlton, and doth desire him to speake to the
steward for his horses. I will, saies he ; and
comming to the steward : sir, saies Tarlton, where
shall our horses spend the time 1 The gentleman,
looking at Tarlton at that question, suddenly
answered : if it please you or them, let them
walke a turne or two : [f]or there is a faire gar
den ; let them play a game or two at bowles in
the alley : and departs thence about his other
businesse. Tarlton, commending the sudden wit
of the steward, saith little. But my steward, not
Tarltoris Jests. 227
quiet, tels to the gentlewomen above, how he had
driven Tarlton to a non plus with a jest \ whereat
they all did laugh heartily; which a servingman,
loving Tarlton wel, ran and told him as much.
Tarlton, to adde fuell to the fire, and loth to rest
thus put off with a jest, goes and gets two of the
horses into the garden, and turnes them into the
bowling alley, who with their heeles made havock,
being the gentleman's only pastime. The ladies
above, from a window seeing horses in the
garden alley, call the knight, who cries out to
Tarlton : fellow, what meanest thou 1 Nothing,
sir, sayes he; but two of my horses are at seven
up for a peck of provender, a foolish match that
I made. Now they being in play at bowles, run,
run, your steward may come after and cry rub,
rub ; at which though they smiled, yet the steward
had no thankes for his labour, to set the horses to
such an exercise, and they could not blame Tarl
ton, who did but as he was bidden. But by this
jest oates and hay, stable roome and all, was plenty.
How Tarlton made one of his company utterly
forsweare drunkennesse.
AT Salisbury, Tarlton and his fellowes were to
play before the maior and his brethren ; but one
Q 2
228 Tar I ton's Jests.
of his company, a young man, was so drunke
that he could not : whereat Tarlton, as mad angry
as he was mad drunk, claps 1 on his legs a huge
paire of bolts. The fellow, dead asleepe, felt
nothing. When all was done, they conveyed him
to the jaile on a mans back, and intreated the
jailer to doe God good service, and let him lye
there, till he waked. While they were about their
sport, the fellow waked, and, finding himselfe in
durance, and the jaile hung round with bolts and
shackles, he began to blesse himselfe, and thought
sure in his drunkennesse hee had done some mis-
chiefe. With that hee called to know, but none
came to him ; then hee thought verily his fault was
capitall, and that hee was close prisoner. By and
by, comes the keeper, and moaned him that one
so young should come to so shamefull a death as
hanging. Anon another comes, and another with
the like, which further put him in a puzzle. But
at last comes Tarlton and others, intreating the
keeper, yet if it might bee, that they might see
their fellow, ere they went. But hee very hardly
was intreated. But at length the poore drunken
Signior cald out for them. In they come. Oh,
Tom, sayes Tarlton, hard was thy hap, in drunken
nesse to murder this honest man, and our hard hap
(i) Orig. reads claps me.
Tarlton's Jests. 229
too, to have it reported any of our company is
hang'd for it. O God, O God, saies the fellow,
is my fault so great? then commend me to all
my friends. Well, short tale to make, the fellow
forswore drunkennesse, if hee could escape ; and
by as cunning a wile (to his thinking) they got him
out of prison by an escape, and sent him to London
before, who was not a little glad to be gone. But
see how this jest wrought; by little and little the
fellow left his excessive drinking, and in time
altered his desire of drunkennesse.
Hoiv Tarlton saved his head from cutting off. 1
TARLTON upon a time being in the country, and
lodging in an homely inne, during which time
there was a gentleman dwelling in the same towne,
some what franticke and distraught of his wits :
which mad man, on a sudden, rusht into Tarlton's
bed-chamber with his sword drawne, and, rinding
him there in bed, would have slaine him, saying :
villaine, were it not valiantly done to strike off thy
knave's head at one blow ? Tarlton answered :
tut, sir, that's nothing with your worship to doe :
you can as easily strike off two heads at one blow
as one ; wherefore, if you please, He goe downe
and call up another, and so you may strike off
(i) See Additional Notes at the end of the volume.
230 Tarltoris Jests.
both our heads at once. The madman beleeved
him, and so let him slip away.
How Tarlton escaped imprisonment.
TARLTON having been domineering 1 very late one
night with two of his friends, and comming home
wards along Cheapside, the watch being then set,
M. Constable asked : who goes there 1 Three
merry men, quoth Tarlton. That is not sufficient ;
what are you ? qd. M. Constable. Why, saies
Tarlton, one of us is an eye-maker, and the other
a light-maker. What saiest thou, knave; doest
mocke mee ? the one is an eye-maker, the other
a light-maker, which two properties belong unto
God only; commit these blasphemers, quoth the
constable. Nay, I pray you, good M. Constable,
be good in your office. I will approve what I have
said to "be true, qd. Tarlton. If thou canst, saies
the constable, you shall passe ; otherwise you shall
be all three punished. Why, qd. Tarlton, this
fellow is an ey-maker, because a spectacle-maker ;
and this other a maker of light, because a chandler,
that makes your darkest night as light as your
lanthorn. The constable, seeing them so pleasant,
was well contented. The rest of the watchmen
laughed, and Tarlton with his two companions went
home quietly.
d) Blustering or swaggering.
Tarlton" s Jests. 231
How Tarlton deceived a country wench.
THE queens players travelling into the West
Country to play, and lodging in a little village
some ten miles from Bristow, in which village
dwelt a pretty nut-browne lasse, to whome Tarlton
made proffer of marriage, [and] protested that he
came from London purposely to marry her, The
simple maid, being proud to bee beloved by such
a one, whom she knew to be the queenes man,
without more intreatie yeelded : and being both
at the church together, and M. Parson ready to
performe his duty, and comming to the words of
I, Richard, take thee, Joane : nay, stay, good
Master Parson, [quoth Tarlton] I will go and
call my fellowes, and come to you again. So
going out of the church in haste, he returned at
leasure : for, having his horse ready saddled, he
rode toward Bristow, and by the way told his fel
lowes of his successe with his wench.
How Tarlton went to kill crowes.
IT chanced upon a time, as Tarlton went foorth
with a birding peace into the fields to kill crowes,
hee spied a daw sitting in a tree, at which he
232 Tarltoris Jests.
meant to shoot; but at the same instant there
came one by, to whome hee spake in this manner :
Sir, quoth he, yonder I see a daw, which I shoot
at, if she sit. If she sit, said the other, then she
is a daw indeed. But, quoth Tarlton, if shee sit
not, what is she then ? Marry, quoth the other, a
daw, also : at which words she immediately flew
away ; whereupon Tarlton spake merrily a rime as
followeth :
Whether a daw sit, or whether a daw fly,
Whether a daw stand, or whether a daw lye,
Whether a daw creepe, or whether a daw cry,
In what case soever a daw persever,
A daw is a daw, and a daw shall be ever.
How apoore begger-man over-reached Tarlton by
his wit.
As Tarlton upon a day sate at his owne doore, to
him came a poore old man and begged a peny for
the Lord's sake; whereupon Tarlton, having no
single money about him, askt the begger what
mony he had. No more mony, master, but one
single peny. Tarlton, being merrily disposed,
called for his peny, and, having received it, gave
it to his boy to fetch a pot of ale : whereat the
Tarltoris Jests. 233
begger grew blanke, and began to gather up his
wits how to get it againe, The pot of ale, for
the begger's peny, being brought, he proffered to
drinke to the begger. Nay, stay a while, master,
quoth the begger. The use is where I was borne,
that hee that payes for the drink must drink first.
Thou saist well, quoth Tarlton ; goe to, drink to
me, then. Whereupon the begger tooke the pot,
saying : here, Master, I drink to you ; and there-
withall dranke it off every drop. Now, master, if
you will pledge me, send for it, as I have done.
Tarlton, seeing himself so over-reacht, greatly
commended the begger's wit, and withall, in re-
compence thereof, gave him a teaster. With that,
the begger said that hee would most truly pray to
God for him. No, answered Tarlton, I pray thee
pray for thy selfe, for I take no usury for almes-
deeds.
Of Tarltoris pleasant answer to a gallant by the
high-way side.
IT was Tarlton's occasion, another time, to ride
into Suffolk, being furnished with a very leane,
large horse ; and by the way a lusty gallant met
him, and in mockage asked him, what a yard of
his horse was worth. Marry, sir, quoth Tarlton,
234 Tarltoris Jests.
I pray you alight, and lift up my horses taile, and
they in that shop will tell you the price of a yard.
How Tarlton would have drowned his wife.
UPON a time, as Tarlton and his wife, as passengers,
came sailing from Southampton towards London, a
mighty storme arose, and endangered the ship ;
whereupon the captaine thereof charged every man
to throw into the seas the heaviest thing hee could
best spare, to the end to lighten some-what the
ship. Tarlton, that had his wife there, offered to
throw her overboord ; but the company rescued
her; and being asked wherefore he meant so to
doe, he answered : she is the heaviest thing I have,
and I can best spare her. 1
How Tarlton made his will and testament.
OF late there was a gentleman living in England,
that, wheresoever he dined, would of every dish
convey a modicum thereof into his gowne sleeve ;
which gentleman being upon a time at dinner at a
gentleman's house in the country, there he used
his aforesaid quality in the company of Master
Tarlton who, perceiving it, said thus unto the
(i) See the Philosopher's Banquet, 1614, 8, p. 241.
Tarlton's Jests. 235
company : my masters, I am now determined,
before you all, to make my last will and testament.
And first, I bequeath my soule to God, my Creator,
and my body to be buried in the sleeve of yonder
gentleman's gowne : and with that, stepping to him,
he turned up the gowne sleeve, whereout here dropt
a bit, and there a bit, with choice of much other
good cheere, [Tarlton] still shaking it, saying : I
meant this sleeve, gentlemen, this sleeve I meant.
How Tarlton called a gentleman knave by craft.
WITHIN a while after, as the same gentleman and
Tarlton passed thorow a field together, a crow in
a tree cried kaw, kaw. See yonder, Tarlton, quoth
the gentleman, yonder crow calleth thee knave.
No, sir, he answered, he beckens to your worship
as the better man.
Tarlton jest of a country wench.
TARLTON, going towards Hogsdon, met a country
maid comming to market ; her mare stumbling,
downe shee fell over and over, shewing all; and
then, rising up againe, she turned her round about
unto Master Tarlton, and said : God's body, sir,
did you ever see the like before? No, in good
sooth, quoth Tarlton, never but once, in London.
236
Tarlton' s Jests.
How Tarlton deceived an inne-holder at Sandwich.
UPON a time, when the plaiers were put to silence,
Tarlton and his boy frolickt so long in the countrey,
that all their money was gone ; and, beeing a great
way from London, they knew not what to doe ;
but, as want is the whetstone of wit, Tarlton
gathered his conceits together, and practised a
trick to beare him up to London without money ;
and thus it was. Unto an inne in Sandwich they
went, and there lay for two daies at great charge,
although he had no money to pay for the same :
the third morning, he bade his man goe downe,
and male-content himself before his host and his
hostesse, and, mumbling, say to himself: Lord,
Lord, what a scald T master doe I serve ! this it is
to serve such seminary priests and jesuites : now,
even as I am an honest boy, He leave him in the
lurch, and shift for my selfe : heres ado about
penance and mortification, as though, forsooth,
Christ had not dyed enough for all ! The boy
mumbled out these his instructions, so dissembling,
that it strooke a jealousy 2 in the inne-holder's heart
that, out of doubt, his master was a seminarie
priest; whereupon he presently sent for the con-
(i) Mean, shabby.
(2) Suspicion.
Tarltoits Jests. 237
stable, and told him all the foresaid matter, and
so went up both together to attacke Tarlton in his
chamber, who purposely had shut himself close in,
and betaken him to his knees and to his crosses,
to make the matter seeme more suspitious ; which
they espying through the keyhole made no more
adoe, but in they rushed, and arrested him for a
seminarie priest, discharged his score, bore his and
his boyes charges up to London, and there, in hope
to have rich rewards, presented him to M. Fleet-
wood, the old recorder of London. But now marke
the jest ! When the recorder saw Tarlton, he 1
knew him passing well, entertained him cour
teously, and all to befool the inne-holder and his
mate, and sent them away with fleas in their eares.
But when Tarlton sawe himselfe discharged out of
their hands, he stood jesting and pointing at their
folly, and so taught them by cunning more wit and
thrift against another time.
Of Tarlton' s wrong full accusation.
UPON a time, Tarlton was wrongfully accused for
getting of a gentleman's maid with child, and for
the same brought before a justice in Kent, which
(i) Orig. reads and knew.
238 Tarltons Jests.
justice said as folio weth : it is a mervaile, M. Tarl-
ton, that you, being a gentleman of good qualitie,
and one of her majesties servants, would venture
thus to get maides with childe. Nay, rather, quoth
Tarlton, were it marvell, if a maid had gotten me
with child. 1
Tarlton deceived by a country wench.
TARLTON travelling to play abroad, was in a towne
where, in the inne, was a pretty maid, whose favour
was placed in a corner of Tarlton's affection : and
talking with her, shee appoynted to meet him at
the bottom of a paire of staires. Night and the
houre came, and the maid subtily sent downe her
mistresse, whome Tarlton catching in his armes :
art come, wench 1 saies hee. Out, alas ! sayes the
mistres, not knowing who it was. Tarlton, hearing
it was the mistris, start 2 aside, and the maid came
downe with a candle, and she espyed a glimpse of
Tarlton in the darke, who stept into another roome.
How now, mistres ? said the maid. Something,
said shee, affrighted me ; some man, sure : for I
(1) Versions of this story are inserted in the complete London Jester,
1771, p. 46, and in Laugh and Be Fat, circa 1801, p. 29. It is to be
traced back to the Heptameron of the Queen of Navarre ; see Kelly's
transl. 1855, p 86.
(2) i.e. Started.
Tarltoris Jests. 239
leard him speake. No, no, mistresse, said the
maid, it is no man ; it was a bull calf that I shut
into a roome, till John, our pounder, came to have
pounded him for a stray. Had I thought that,
saith she, I would have hit him such a knocke
on his forehead that his home should never have
c'd his coxcombe ; and so she departs up
againe, afraid. But how Tarlton tooke this jest,
think you ?
How Tarlton could not abide a cat, and deceived
hints elf e.
[N the country, Tarlton told his oastesse he was a
conjuror. O, sir, sayes she, I had. pewter stolne
off my shelfe the other day ; help me to it, and I
will forgive you all the pots of ale you owe mee,
which is sixteene dozen. Sayes Tarlton : to mor
row morning the divell shall helpe you to it, or I
will trounce him. Morning came, and the oastesse
and he met in a roome by themselves. Tarlton,
to passe the time with exercise of his wit, with
circles and tricks falls to conjure, 1 having no more
(i) The passages in old jest-books, where allusions like the above to
he practice and power of necromancy are found, seem generally to admit
a satirical construction. In one of Peele's Jests, the dramatist is made
to call in the assistance of a friend, who was an adept in the art of con-
uring, to recover some articles which had been lost, and which in fact
Peele had stolen.
240 Tarltoris Jests.
skill then a dogge. But see the jest ! how con-
trarily it fell out. As he was calling out, mons,
pons, simul, and sons and such like, a cat, unex
pected, leapt from the gutter window ; which sight
so amazed Tarlton, that he skipt thence and threw
his hostesse downe, so that he departed with his
fellowes, and left her hip out of joynt, being then
in the surgeons hands, and not daring to tell how
it came.
How Tarlton and his oastesse of Waltham met.
TARLTON, riding with divers cittizens his friends,
to make merry at Waltham, by the way he met
with his oastesse riding toward London, whome
hee of old acquaintance saluted. Shee demands
whither they went. Tarlton told her, to make
merry at Waltham. Sir, saies shee, then let me
request your company at my house at the Chris
topher, and, for old familiarity, spend your money
there. Not unlesse you goe backe, saies Tarlton ;
we will else goe to the Hound. But she, loth to
lose their custome, sent to London by her man,
and goes back with them ; who by the way had
much mirth. For she was an exceeding merry
honest woman, yet would take anything : which
Tarlton hearing, as wise as he was, thinking her
Tarlton' s Jests. 241
of his minde, he was deceived : yet he askt her
if the biggest bed in her house were able to hold
two of their bignesse ; meaning himself and her.
Yes, saies she, and tumble up and downe at plea
sure. Yea, one upon another, saies Tarlton. And
under, to, saies she. Well, to have their custome,
she agreed to everything, like a subtill oastesse :
and it fell so out that Tarlton, having her in a
roome at her house, askt her which of those two
beds were big enough for them two. This, said
she ; therefore, goe to bed, sweet-heart, He come
to thee. Masse ! saies Tarlton, were my bootes
off, I would, indeed. He help you, sir, saies she,
if you please. Yea, thought Tarlton, is the wind
in that doore 1 ? come on, then. And she very
diligently begins to pull, till one boot was half off.
Now, saies she, this being hard to doe, let me try
my cunning on the other, and so get off both.
But, having both half off his legs, she left him
alone in the shoemakers stocks, and got her to
London ; where Tarlton was three houres, and
had no help. But, being eas'd of his paine, he
made this ryme for a theame, singing of it all
the way to London :
Women are wanton, and hold it no sinne,
By tricks and devices to pull a man in.
2. R
242 Tarlton' s Jests.
Tarlton's meeting with his countrey acquaintance at
Ilford.
ON a Sunday, Tarlton rode to Ilford, where his
father kept ; and, dining with them at his sisters,
there came in divers of the countrey to see him,
amongst whom was one plaine countrey plough-
jogger, who said hee was of Tarlton's kin, and so
called him cousin. But Tarlton demanded of his
father if it were so ; but he knew no such matter.
Whereupon saies Tarlton : whether he be of my
kin or no, I will be cousin to him ere we part, if all
the drinke in Ilford will doe it. So upon this they
carouse freely, and the clowne was then in his cue,
so that, in briefe, they were both in soundly.
Night came, and Tarlton would not let his cousin
goe, but they would lye together that night, meaning
to drinke at their departure next morning. Tarl
ton would by wit leave him in the lash, since
power would not. But see the jest. That night
the plaine fellow so * * * * Tarlton in his bed,
thinking he had been against the church wal,
that he was faine to cry for a fresh shirt to shift
him. So, when al was well, they must needs
drinke at parting : where, indeed, to scale kindred
soundly, the fellow had his loade : for, hearing
Tarltoris Jests. 243
that his cousin Tarlton was gone to London :
Zounds, he would follow, that he would, none
could hold him ; and, meaning to goe towards
London, his aime was so good, that he went to
wards Rumford to sell his hogs.
How a maid drove Tarlton to a non-plus.
This anecdote has been necessarily suppressed.
Tarlton 's answere to a question.
ONE asked Tarlton why Munday was called Sun-
daies fellow 1 ? Because he is a sausie fellow, saies
Tarlton, to compare with that holy day; but it
may be Munday thinkes himselfe Sundayes fellow,
because it followes Sunday, and is next after : but
I he comes a day after the faire for that. Nay, saies
! the fellow, but if two Sundayes fall together, Mun-
I day then may be the first, and it would shew well
too. Yes, saies Tarlton, but if thy nose stood
under thy mouth, it would shew better, and be
more for thy profit. How for my profit, said the
fellow ? Marry, said Tarlton, never to be cold in
winter, being so neere every dogs taile. The
fellow, seeing a foolish question had a foolish
I answere, laid his legges on his neck, and got
!him gone.
R 2
244 Tarltoris Jests.
Tarlton' s desire of enough for money.
TARLTON, comming into a market towne, bought
oates for his horse, and desired enough for money.
The man said : you shall, sir, and gave him two
halfe pecks for one. Tarlton thought his horse
should that night fare largely, and comes to him
with this rime :
Jack Nag, be brag, and lustie brave it,
I have enough for mony, and thou shalt have it.
But when Jack Nag smelt to them they were so
musty that he would none : God thanke you,
master ; which Tarlton seeing, runnes into the
Market, and would slash and cut. But til the i
next market day the fellow was not to be found, :
and before then Tarlton must be gone.
How Tarltoris dogge lickt up six-pence.
TARLTON in his travaile had a dogge of fine
qualities ; amongst the rest, he would carry six
pence in the end of his tongue, of which he
would brag often, and say : never was the like.
Yes, saies a lady, mine is more strange, for he will
beare a French crowne in his mouth. No, saies
Tarlton, I thinke not. Lend me a French crowne,
Tarltoris Jests. 245
saies the lady, and you shall see. Truly, madame,
I have it not, but if your dog will carry a crackt
English crown e here it is. But the lady perceived
not the jest, but was desirous to see the dogs trick
of sixpence. Tarlton threw down a teaster, and
said : bring, sirra ; and by fortune the dog took
up a counter, and let the money lie. A gentle
woman by, seeing that, askt him how long he
would hold it. An houre, saies Tarlton. That
is pretty, said the gentlewoman, let's see that.
Meane time she tooke up the sixe-pence, and
willed him to let them see the money againe.
When he did see it, it was a counter, and he
made this rime :
Alas, alas, how came all this to passe 1
The world's worse than it was ;
For silver turns to brasse.
I, sayes the lady, and the dog hath made his
master an asse. But Tarlton would never trust
to his dogs tricks more.
Tar lion's jest of a horse and man.
IN the city of Norwich, Tarlton was on a time
invited to an hunting, where there was a goodly
gentlewoman that, bravely mounted on a blacke
.
246 Tarltorts Jests.
horse, rode exceeding well to the wonder of all
the beholders ; and neither hedge or ditch stood
in her way, but Pegasus, 1 her horse, for so may we
tearme him for swiftnesse, flew over all, and she
sate him as well. When every one returned home,
some at supper commended his hound, others his
hawke, and shee above all, her horse; and, said
she, I love no living creature so well, at this
instant, as my gallant horse. Yes, lady, a man
better, saies Tarlton. Indeed no, said shee, not
now : for, since my last husband dyed, I hate
them most, unlesse you can give me medicines
to make me love them. Tarlton made this jest
instantly :
Why, 2 a horse mingeth whay, madam, a man min-
geth amber,
A horse is for your way, madam, but a man for
your chamber.
God a mercy ! Tarlton, said the men : which the
gentlewoman noting, seeing they tooke exceptions
at her words, to make all well, answered thus :
(1) The practice of employing assumed names in tales which were in
circulation perhaps during the life-time of the party referred to, soon
became pretty general. See Mery Tales and Quiche Answers, edit. 1567,
No. 132 & 133, and the Famous History of Doctor Faustus (1590), ch. 50.
(2) Mr. Halliwell has already pointed out, in his Brief Account of his
Shakespearian Reliques and Curiosities, 1856, p. 14, that these verses are
copied by Howell in his Lexicon Tctraglotton, 1660, and by Ray, in
his Proverbs, 1670.
Tarltoris Jests. 247
That a horse is my chiefe opinion now, I deny not,
And when a man doth me more good in my
chamber I him dene not.
But till then give me leave to love something.
Then something will please you, said Tarlton, I
am glad of that, therefore I pray God send you
a good thing or none at all.
Tarltorts talke with a pretty -woman)-
GENTLEWOMAN, said Tarlton, and the rest as you
sit, I can tell you strange things. Now, many
gallants at supper noted one woman who, being
little and pretty, to unfit her prettinesse had a
great wide mouth which she, seeming to hide,
would pinch in her speeches, and speake small,
but was desirous to heare newes. Tarlton told 2
at his comming from London to Norwich, a pro
clamation was made that every man should have
two wives. Now, Jesus ! qd. she, is it possible 1
I, gentlewoman, and otherwise able too : for con-
trarily women have a larger pre-eminence, for
every woman must have three husbands. Now,
Jawsus ! said the gentlewoman ; and with wonder
(1) This jest seems to have been played off on the same occasion as
the preceding.
(2) i.e. told it as a piece of news which he had got before he left
London.
248 Tarlton' s Jests.
shewes the full widenesse of her mouth, which all
the table smil'd at, which she, perceiving, would
answere no more. Now mistris, said Tarlton,
your mouth is lesse than ever it was : for now it
is able to say nothing. Thou art a cogging knave,
said she. Masse ; and that is something : yet, said
Tarlton, your mouth shall be as wide as ever it
was for that jest
A jest of Tarlton to a great man.
THERE was a great huge man, three yards in the
wast, at S. Edmondsbury, in Suffolk, that died but
of late daies, one M. Blague by name, and a good
kinde justice, too, carefull for the poore. This
justice met with Tarlton in Norwich. Tarlton,
said he, give me thy hand. But you, sir, being
richer, may give me a greater gift ; give me your
body, and embracing him, could not halfe compasse
him. Being merry in talke said the justice : Tarl
ton, tell me one thing, what is the difference be
twixt a flea and a louse ? Marry, sir, said Tarlton,
as much and like difference as twixt you and me ;
I, like a flea, see else, can skip nimbly, but you,
like a fat louse, creepe slowly, and you can go no
faster, though butchers are over you, ready to knock
you on the head. Thou art a knave, quoth the
Tarltoris Jests. 249.
justice. I, sir, I knew that, ere I came hither, else
I had not been here now : for ever one knave,
making a stop, seekes out another. The justice,
understanding him, laughed heartily.
Tarltoris jest to a maid in the dark.
TARLTON going in the darke, groping out his way,
heares the tread of some one to meet him. Who
goes there, saies he, a man or a monster? Said
the maid : a monster. Said Tarlton : a candle hoe !
and seeing who it was : indeed, said he, a monster,
I'll be sworne : for thy teeth are longer than thy
beard. O, sir, said the maid, speake no more then
you see : for women goe invisible now adayes.
Tarltoris jest to a dogge.
TARLTON and his fellowes, being in the Bishop of
Worcester's sellar, 1 and being largely laid to, Tarl
ton had his rouse, and going through the streets,
a dogge, in the middle of the street, asleep on a
(i) i.e. Wine-cellar. It seems to have been usual for visitors to be
asked into the wine-cellar of a house, for the purpose of partaking of the
host's good cheer in liquids. In the Famous History of Doctor Faustus,
circa 1590, ch. 41, (edit. Thorns) it is related how " Faustus, with his
company, visited the Bishop of Salisburg's wine-cellar." It must be
added, however, that Faustus was on this occasion a self-invited guest.
250 Tarltoris Jests.
dunghill, seeing Tarlton reele on him, on tl
sodaine barkt. How now, dog ! saies Tarltoi
are you in your humours'? and many dayes after
it was a by-word to a man being drunke, that he
was in his humours.
["Tarleton's 1 president, his famous play of the
Seven Deadly Sinnes ; which most dea[d]ly, but
most lively playe I might have seene in London ;
and was verie gently invited thereunto at Oxford
by Tarleton himselfe, of whome I merrily de-
maunding, which of the seaven was his owne
deadlie sinne, he bluntly answered after this
manner : ' By God, the sinne of other gentlemen,
Lechery.' ' O, but that, M. Tarlton, is not your
part upon the stage; you are too blame, that
dissemble with the world, and have one part for
your frends pleasure, an other for your owne/
' I am somewhat of Doctor Femes religion,'
quoth he ; and abrouptlie tooke his leave."
Harvey's Foure Letters and Certaine Sonnets, 1592.
(i) Tarlton's Jests, as printed in 1611, 4, clearly present to us a very
small portion of the stories which were current in and about his time
respecting the famous actor and clown. The seven anecdotes, for
instance, here enclosed between brackets are not found in the work
referred to, and are given, to render the present reprint more complete,
from the sources respectively indicated.
Tarltoris Jests. 251
" Amongst other cholericke wise justices he was
one that, having a play presented before him and
his touneship by Tarlton and the rest of his
fellowes, her Majesties servants, and they were
now entring into their first merriment (as they
call it), the people began exceedingly to laugh,
when Tarlton first peept out his head. Whereat
the justice, not a little moued, and seeing with
his beckes and nods hee could not make them
cease, he went with his staff e, and beat them
round about vnmercifully on the bare pates, in
that they, being but farmers and poore countrey
hyndes, would presume to laugh at the Queenes
men, and make no more account of her cloath
in his presence." Nash's Pierce Penniles his Sup
plication to the Devil, 1592.
[Tarlton], " attending one day at a great dinner
on Sir Christopher Hatton, Lord Chancellor de
ceased, by chance, among other pretty jests, gave
him unadvisedly the lie ; for which the honorable
person merrily reproving him, instead of sub
mitting himself, he thus wittily justified : ' My
Lord, said he, is it not a custom, when a prince
hath spoken any thing note worthy, to say he
252
Tarltoris Jests.
hath delivered it majestically 1 Again, when you
that are monsieurs, my lords, excellencies, altesses,
and such like, speak any thing, say not the
assistants straitways, he concluded honourably?
Nay, in every estate, if either noble, right wor
shipful, worshipful, gentle, common, honest, dis
honest, poor or rich, sick or whole, et sic adinfinitum,
speak any thing, doth not the world conclude
straight that they have spoken nobly, right wor-
shipfully, worshipfully, gently, commonly, honestly,
poorly, richly, sickly, wholly? Nought without a
a lie, my Lord, quoth Dick Tarlton, nought without
a lie : he that therefore pays it with a frown or a
stab forgetteth himself.'" Harington's Ulysses Upon
Ajax, 1596.
" Tarleton, who being upon the stage in a towne,
where he expected for civill attention to his Pro
logue, and seeing no end of their hissing, hee
brake forth at last into this sarcasticall taunt :
I liv'd not in the Golden Age,
When Jason wonne the fleece,
But now I am on Gotam's stage,
Where fooles do hisse like geese."
Vaughan's Golden Fleece, 1600.
Tar lion's Jests. 253
" Dicke Tarleton said that hee would compare
Queene Elizabeth to nothing more fitly then to a
sculler : for, said he, neither the Queene nor the
Sculler hath a fellow." Taylor's Wit and Mirth,
1622.
" Tarlton called Burley-house gate, in the
Strand towards the Savoy, the L. Treasurers
almes gate, because it was seldome or never
opened." MS. Harl. 5353, fol. 12.
Some one wrote the following epitaph " upon
on[e] Medcalfe :
' I desire you all in the Lordes behalfe
To praye for the soule of poore John Calfe.'
But Tarlton the jester, noting the simplicitie of the
poett, wrightes this :
1 O cruell death, more subtell then a fox,
Thou mightst have lett hym live to have bine an
oxe,
For to have eaten both grass, hay and corne,
And like his sire to have wore a home.' "
MS. Ashmole, 38, p. iSy.] 1
(i) After some hesitation, I have thought it best to arrange in chrono
logical order the notices of Tarlton which occur in various works ranging
in date between 1589 and 1693. The greater part of these extracts are
taken from Mr. Halliwell's Memoir of Tarlton prefixed to the Shake
speare Society's edition of the Jests ; but I have made a few trifling
additions, and these are denoted by a star.
254 Notices of Richard Tarlton.
NOTICES OF RICHARD TARLTON FROM VARIOUS
SOURCES.
" Comedians and stage-players of former time were very poore and
ignorant in respect of these of this time, but being nowe growne very
skilfull and exquisite actors for all matters, they were entertained into
the service of divers great lords, out of which companies there were xii
of the best chosen, and at the request of Sir Francis Walsingham, they
were sworne the Queenes servants, and were allowed wages and liveries
as groomes of the chamber : and untill this yeare 1583 the Queene hadde
no players. Amongst these xii players were two rare men, vizt. Thomas
Wilson for a quicke delicate refined extemporall witte, and Richard
Tarleton for a wondrous plentifull pleasant extemporall wit, hee was the
wonder of his time." Stowe's Annales, anno 1583.
* " Now Tarleton's dead, the consort lacks a vice,
For knave and fool thou must bear pricke and price."
A Whip for an Ape, 1589.
" But whether it be for policie or armes, it is an error to thinke men
without triall worthie to bee compared unto the others tried, in what
place soever great or smal. Divers play Alexander on the stages, but
fewe or none in the field. Our pleasant Tarleton would counterfeite
many artes ; but he was no bodie out of his mirths." Sir Roger
Williams' Discourse of Warre, 1590.
" Wherein have I borrowed from Greene or Tarlton, that I should
thanke them for all I have ? Is my stile like Green's, or my jeasts like
Tarlton's?" Nash's Strange Ne-wes of the Intercepting Certaine
Letters, 1592.
* " The legat had no sooner made an end of these latter words, but in
comes Dick Tarlton, apparelled like a clowne, and singing this peece
of an olde song :
' If this be trewe, as true it is,
Ladie, ladie !
God send her life may mende the misse,
Most deere ladie."
Greene's Ne^vesfrom Heaven and Hell, 1593.
Notices of R ichard Tarlton. 255
" Martin Momus and splaie-footed Zoylus, that in the eight and sixt
age of poetrie, and first yere of the reigne of Tarltons toies, kept suche
a foule stir in Paules church-yard, are now revived againe, and like
wanton whelpes that have worms in their tungs, slaver and betouse everie
paper they meete withall." Nash's Terrors of the Night, 1594.
" What should I speake of the great league betweene God and man,
made in circumcision? impressing a painefull stigma, or character in
God's peculiar people, though nowe most happily taken away in the holy
sacrament of baptisme. What the worde signified, I have knowne reve
rent and learned men have bene ignorant, and we call it very well cir
cumcision, and uncircumcision, though the R[h]emists, of purpose belike
to varie from Geneva, will needes bring in Prepuse, which worde was
after admitted into the theater with great applause by the mouth of
Mayster Tarlton. the excellent comedian, when many of the beholders
that were never circumcised, had as great cause as Tarlton to complaine
of their Prepuse." Harington's Metamorphosis of Ajax, 1596.
"And so to Tarlton's testament I commend you, a little more drinke,
then a little more bread, and a few more clothes, and God be at your
sport, Master Tarlton." Ulysses on Ajax, by Sir John Harington,
1596.
" What say you, then, of him that bore the name of the olde player
with the velvet cap : of the aged-crane turnde backewarde, K. with the
tun, and F. with the firie face, C. the true cock-olde that sold away his
wife for money, and afterwardes received her home againe : mary, qd.
G. as Tarlton saide of the tinker, that they have more craft in their
budgets then crownes in their purses ; notwithstanding of no reputacion,
for they be but procurers of others to baile, and not baylers themselves."
The Discoverie of the Knights of the Paste, 1597-
"As Antipater Sidonius was famous for extemporall verse in Greeke,
and Ovid for his Quicquid conabar dicere, versus erat '. so was our
Tarleton, of whom Doctour Case, that learned physitian, thus speaketh
in the seventh Booke and seventeenth chapter of his Politikes ; A ris-
toteles suum Theodoretum laudavit qriendam peritutn Tragccdiamm
actorem; Cicero suum Roscium; nos Angli Tarletonum, in cujus
voce et vultii omnesjocosiajffe^tus, in cujus cereboso capite lepidce facetice
habitant" Meres Palladis Tainia, 1598.
256 Notices of Richard Tarlton.
De Richardo Tharltono.
"Who taught me pleasant follies, can you tell ?
I was not taught and yet I did excell ;
Tis harde to learne without a president,
Tis harder to make folly excellent ;
I sawe, yet had no light to guide mine eyes,
I was extold for that which all despise."
Bastards Ckrestoleros, 1598, Epigr. 39.
Richardo Tarltono.
' Conspicienda amplo quoties daret ora Theatro
Tarltonus, lepidum non sine dente caput,
Spectantum horrifico ccelum intonat omne cachinno,
Audiit et plausus aula suprema Jovis.
Attoniti stupuere poli, stupuere polorum
Indigenae indigites ccelicolumque cohors.
Hausuri ergo tuos omnes, Tarltone, lepores,
Elysia in terras valle redire parant.
Id metuens, ne fors, deserta, Jupiter, aula,
Bellephoronteos transigat usque dies.
Ha ! crudele tibi scelus imperat Atropos, et tu
Tarltonum ad plures insidiosa rapis.
Quod nisi tu peteres superos, Tarltone, petissent
Te superi ad blandos conflua turba jocos."
Fitzgeoffrey's Affania, &c. 1601.
Richardo Tarltono Comcedortim Principi Epit \aphhini\.
" Cujus (viator) sit sepulchrum hoc scire vis,
Inscriptionem non habens ?
Asta, gradumque siste paulisper tuum ;
Incognitum nomen scies.
Princeps comcedorum tulit quos Anglise
Tellus, in hoc busto cubat,
Quo mortuo, spretae silent comoediae,
Tragcediae-que turbidae.
Scenas decus desiderant mutae suum
Risusque abest Sardonius.
Notices of Richard Tarlton. 257
Hie Roscius Britannicus sepultus est
Quo notior nemo fuit.
Abi, viator : sin te adhuc nomen talet,
Edicet hoc quivis puer."
Stradling's Epigrammata, 1607.
" I shall feare that of a fine old courtier you will, if you tary long,
prove, as Tarlton sayd, a plaine clowne." Letter of the Earl of Salis
bury, 1607, given in Lodge's Illustrations, iii. 350.
"Also no longer agoe than the 4 day of May, 1602, at a cocke-
fighting in the citie of Norwich aforesayd, a cocke called Tarleton, who
was so intituled, because he always came to the fight like a drummer,
making a thundering noyse with his winges, which cocke fought man
batels with mighty and fierce adversaries." Wilson's Commendation of
Cockes and Cock-fighting, 1607.
* " O were my wit inspir'd with Scoggin's vaine,
Or that Will Summers ghost had seazed my braine :
Or Tarlton, Lanum, Singer, Kempe and Pope ! "
Taylor the Water-Poet's OldcomVs Complaint (Works, 1630, ii, 60).
* " Let us talke of Robin Hode
And little John in Merry Shirewood,
Of Poet Skelton with his pen,
And many other merry men,
Of May-game Lords and Summer Queenes,
With milke-maides, dancing or'e the Greenes,
Of merry Tarlton in our time,
Whose conceite was very fine,
Whom death hath wounded with his dart,
That lov'd a may-pole with his heart."
An Halfe-penny worth of Wit, in a Penny-worth of Paper, by
Humphrey King, 1613 (see Bibl. Heber. iv. No. 1205).
* " What think you of this for a show, now? he will not hear of this !
I am an ass ! I ! and yet I kept the stage in Master Tarleton's time, I
thank my stars." Induction to Jonson's Bartholomew Fair (1614).
"Till Captaine Tospot with his Tarleton's cut,
His swaggering will not get him sixteene pence."
MachivelFs Dogge, 1617.
2. S
258 Notices of R ichard Tarlton.
" Here within this sullen earth
Lies Dick Tarlton, lord of mirth :
Who in his grave, still laughing, gapes,
Syth all dowries since have been his apes.
Earst he of clownes to learne still sought,
But now they learne of him they taught ;
By art far past the principal!,
The counterfet is so worth all."
Davies of Hereford's Wits Bedlam, 1617.
To Sir Ninian Ouzell. .
"As Tarlton, when his head was only scene
The Tire-house doore and Tapistrie betweene,
Set all the multitude in such a laughter
They could not hold for scarce an houre after,
So, Sir, I set you, as I promis'd, forth,
That all the world may wonder at your worth."
Peacham's Thalia 's Banquet, 1620.
" ' Crosse me not, Siza, nether be so perte,
For if thou dost, I'll sit upon thy skerte,'
Tarlton cutt off all his skirts, because none should sit upon them."
[Sir Thomas Wroth' s] Abortive of an Idle Houre, 1620.
* "Player. That is a way, my lord, has been allow'd
On elder stages, to move mirth and laughter.
Nobleman. Yes, in the days of Tarleton and Kemp,
Before the stage was purged from barbarism."
R. Brome's Antipodes, 1640.
"After such men, it might be thought ridiculous to speak of Stage-
players ; but, seeing excellency in the meanest things deserves remem-
bring, and Roscius the Comedian is recorded in History with such
commendation, it may be allowed us to do the like with some of our
Nation. Richard Bourbridge and Edward Allen, two such Actors as
no age must ever look to see the like : and to make their Comedies com-
pleat, Richard Tarleton, who for the part, called the Clowns part, never
had^his match, never will have." Baker's Chronicle, 1645.
" He that wanteth money is for the most part extremely melancholique
in every company, or alone byhimselfe, especially if the weather be fowle,
rainy, or cloudy : talke to him of what you will, he will hardly give you
Notices of Richard Tarlton. 259
the hearing : ask him any question, he answers you with monosyllables,
as Tarlton did one who out-eat him at an ordinarie, as Yes, No, That,
Thankes, True, &c." Peacham's Worth of a Penny, 164.7.
" Our Tarlton was master of his faculty. When Queen Elizabeth was
serious, I dare not say sullen, and out of good humour, he could un-
dumpish her at his pleasure. Her highest favorites would, in some
cases, go to Tarleton before they would go to the Queen, and he was
their usher to prepare their advantageous access unto her. In a word,
he told the Queen more of her faults than most of her chaplains, and
cured her melancholy better than all of her physicians.
Much of his merriment lay in his very looks and actions, according to
the Epitaph written upon him :
' Hie situs est cujus poterat vox, actio, vultus,
Ex Heraclito reddere Democritum.'
Indeed, the self-same words, spoken by another, would hardly move a
merry man to smile ; which, uttered by him, would force a sad soul to
laughter." Fuller's Worthies, 1662.
" Let him try it when he will, and come himself upon the stage, with
all the scurrility of the Wife of Bath, with all the ribaldry of Poggius or
Boccace, yet I dare affirm he shall never give that contentment to be
holders as honest Tarlton did, though he said never a word." Baker's
Theatrum Redivivum, 1662.
"At supper she (Q. Eliz.) would divert herself with her friends and
attendance : and if they made no answer, she would put them upon
mirth and pleasant discourse with great civility. She would then also
admit Tarleton, a famous comedian and a pleasant talker, and other such
like men, to divert her with stories of the town, and the common jests or
accidents ; but so that they kept within the bounds of modesty and
chastity. In the winter-time, after supper, she would some time hear a
song, or a lesson or two plaid upon the lute ; but she would be much
offended if there was any rudeness to any person, any reproach or
licentious reflection used. Tarlton, who was then the best comedian in
England, had made a pleasant play, and when it was acting before the
Queen, he pointed at Sir Walter Rawleigh, and said : See, the Knave
commands the Queen ; for which he was corrected by a frown from the
Queen ; yet he had the confidence to add that he was of too much and
too intolerable a power ; and going on with the same liberty, he reflected
on the over-great power and riches of the Earl of Leicester, which was
S 2
260 Notices of Richard Tarlton.
so universally applauded by all that were present, that she thought fit
for the present to bear these reflections with a seeming unconcernedness.
But yet she was so offended, that she forbad Tarleton and all her jesters
from coming near her table, being inwardly displeased with this impudent
and unreasonable liberty." Bohun's Character of Queen. Elizabeth, 1693.
"The picture here set down
Within this letter T :
A-right doth shewe the forme and shape
Of Tharlton unto the.
When he in pleasaunt wise
The counterfet expreste
Of Clowne, with cote of russet hew
And sturtups, with the reste.
What merry many made
When he appeared in sight ;
The grave and wise, as well as rude,
At him did take delight.
The partie nowe is gone,
And closlie clad in claye ;
Of all the jesters in the lande
He bare the praise awaie.
Now hath he plaid his parte,
And sure he is of this,
If he in Christ did die, to live
With Him in lasting bliss."
Lines attached to Tarlton 1 s portrait in ffarl. MS.
[Other allusions to Tarlton may be found in Chettle's Kindkarts
Dream (1592) ; Lodge's Wits Miserie, &c. 1596 ; Hall's Satires, 1597 ;
Lomatius Trade containing the Artes of curious Paintinge, &c. 1598 ;
W. Percy's Cuck-Queanes and Cuckold's Errants(i.6oi}, the prologue to
which is spoken by " Tarlton' s Ghost ; " Dekker's News from Hell, 1606 ;
Rowlands' Knave of Harts, 1613 ; and Wit and Drollery, 1682. Taylor
the Water-Poet, in his introductory matter to Sir Gregory Nonsense,
enumerates among the authorities consulted by him in the composition
of that work, Hundred Merry Tales and Tarleton. See also Mr. Col
lier's Memoirs of Edward A lleyn, 1841, p. 13.]
MERRIE CONCEITED JESTS OF
GEORGE PEELE.
Merrie Conceited Jests of George Peele, Gentleman, sometimes
Student in Oxford. Wherein is shewed the Course of his
Life, how he liued: a man very well knowne in the City of
London, and elsewhere.
Buy, reade, and judge,
The price doe not grudge :
It will doe thee more pleasitre,
Than twice so much treasure.
London, 1607, 4
Reprinted 1627, 1657, 1671, and (for Henry Bell dwelling
in the Little Old Baily in Eliots Court), n. d. 4.
The last edition was reprinted by the late Mr. S. W. Singer
in 1809, 4, from a copy which had belonged to Brand the
antiquary. Bell's edition was reprinted in Mr. Dyce's edition
of Peek's Works, and it has also been used for the present
republication. There does not seem sufficient ground for
supposing, that Peelers Jests had appeared in print before
1607, although the dramatist was dead without doubt before
1598. For an account of Peele and his works the reader is
referred to Mr. Dyce's edition of his Plays and Poems,
1829-39, 3 vols -
The old orthography has been retained here, but the point
ing is modern.
Peele is supposed with some reason to be the George Pyeboard
of the Puritan, a drama formerly thought to be Shakespeare's.
One or two of the incidents in the scenes of the Puritan, where
Pyeboard is introduced, are somewhat similar to those which
occur in the Jests. * The first edition of the Puritan and the
(i) In Act I. Sc. ii. of the PURITAN, George Pyeboard gives his friend
Skirmish an account of his early life, which corresponds a good deal with
first known edition of Peele's Jests appeared in the same year
(1607).
The only liberty which has been taken with the old text, is
a change in the arrangement of two jests, which are separated
in the original editions, but which, being portions of the same
story, it was thought desirable to place in juxta-position. The
two anecdotes referred to are, " How George Peele was shaven,
and of the revenge he tooke," and "how the Gentleman was
gulled for shaving of George" It will be observed that only a
day is supposed to elapse between the first incident and the
sequel.
In his Anatomie of the English Nunnerie at Lisbon, 1623,
Robinson represents the father-confessor of that establishment
as amusing himself after supper with a perusal of Venus and
Adonis, or the Jests of George Peele.
what is known or conjectured of the early life of Peele. The hypothesis
that Pyeboard was intended as a portrait of the Elizabethan dramatist
seems to derive some confirmation from the circumstance that a baker's
board is also called a peele in the play. We annex the passage in which
Pyeboard gives an account of himself:
"Pye. 'Troth, and for mine own part, I am a poor gentleman, and a
scholar ; I have been matriculated in the university, wore out six gowns
there, seen some fools, and some scholars, some of the city, and some of
the country, kept order, went bare-headed over the quadrangle, ate my
commons with a good stomach, and battled with discretion; at last,
having done many sleights and tricks to maintain my wit in use (as my
brain would never endure me to be idle;, I was expelled the university,
only for stealing a cheese out of Jesus College.
Skir. Is't possible ?
Pye. O ! there was one Welshman (God forgive him !) pursued it hard,
and never left, till I turn'd my staff toward London ; where, when I came,
all my friends were pit-holed, gone to graves ; as indeed there was but a
few left before. Then was I turn'd to my wits, to shift in the world, to
tower among sons and heirs, and fools, and gulls, and ladies' eldest sons ;
to work upon nothing, to feed out of flint : and ever since has my belly
been much beholden to my brain."
The lests of GEORGE PEELE, with foure
his Companions at Brainford*
GEORGE, with others of his Associates, being merry
together at the Tauerne, hauing more store of Coine
than usually they did possesse, although they were
as regardelesse of their siluer, as a garden ***** is
of her honesty, yet they intended for a season to
become good husbands, if they knew how to be
sparing of that their pockets were then furnisht
withall. Five pounds they had amongst them, and
a plot must be cast how they might be merry with
extraordinary cheare three or foure dayes, and
keepe their five pounds whole in stocke ; George
Peele was the man must doe it, or none ; and
generally they coniurde him by their loues, his
owne credit, and the reputation that went on him,
(i) Brentford. This suburb appears to have been formerly a favourite
resort for holiday-seekers, and for roystering characters from the town,
who came down there to have what is now familiarly called "a day out."
About 1525, Robert Copland, one of our early printers and authors, com
piled what he entitled " Jyl of Braintfords Testament ; " it is the perhaps
imaginary will of an ale-wife of the town ; and its want of decency is not
redeemed by its merit. The ' ' Fish-wife of Brainford " is one of the story
tellers in Westward for Smelts, 1620.
The Tests of George Peele. 265
that he would but in this shew his wit : and withall
he shoulde haue all the furtherance, that in them
lay. George, as easie as they earnest to be wonne
to such an exploit, consented, and gathered their
mony together, and gaue it all to George, who should
be their Purse-bearer, 1 and the other foure should
seeme as seruants to George Peele; and the better
to colour it, they should goe change their cloaks,
the one like the other, so neere as they could
possible : the which at Belzebubs brother the
(i) Perhaps Rowlands had this story of Peele and his associates at
Brentford, though more especially, a second story to be found at
p. 296, in his mind when he composed the epigram on "Master Make
shift" in the Knave of Clubs, 1600, from which the following passage is
an extract :
" Well, growing late, they for a reckoning call,
And Vintner's boy brings up a bill of all,
So every man doth cast his mony downe,
Ten groats, three shillings, other some a crowne ;
Which all upon a trencher was convaid
To poet penniles, and him they praid
To make the shot. Nay, gentlemen (quoth he),
I doe entreat you all to pardon me,
I'le spend my crowne, and put his hand in 's hose,
Where not a penny could be found, God knowes ;
While they still sweare that he shall make the shot,
At last the mony in his hands he got,
And rising, to the fidlers turnes about,
Come on (quoth he), what new thing is come out?
' Sure, gentleman (said they), we have not any.'
' Then sing me, / could fancie lovely Nanny,
And here is for you, I'le but goe and leake ;
Call for a pot (there's not a rogue will speake).'
So takes his cloake, and downe the staires away,
With all the mony was laid downe to pay."
It seems certain that Peele sat for the portrait of Master Makeshift.
266
The Tests of George Peele.
Brokers, they might quickly doe. This was sooi
accomplished, and George was furnished with his
blacke Sattin suit and a paire of boots, which
were as familiar to his legs, as the Pillory to a
Bakers or Colliers necke, and he sufficiently possest
his friends with the whole scope of his intent, as,
gentle Reader, the sequell will shew. Instantly
they tooke a paire of Oares, 1 whose armes were to
make a false gallop no further than JBrainford,
where their fare was paid them so liberally, that
each of them the next tide to London, purchased
two new wastcoats. Yet should these good bene
factors come to their usuall places of trade, and if
they spie a better fare than their owne, that haply
the Gentleman hath more minde to goe withall,
they will not onely fall out with him that is of their
owne sweet transporters, as they are : but abuse
the faire with foule speeches as a P** or the
Deuill goe with you as their Godfather Car on the
Ferry-man of Hell hath taught them. I speake
not this of all, but of some that are brought vp in
the East, some in the West, some in the North,
but most part in the South : but for the rest they
are honest compleat men. Leauing them to come
to my honest George, who is now merry at the
three Pigeons in Brainford, with Sack and Sugar,
(t) Watermen.
The Tests of George Peele. 267
not any wine wanting, the Musicians playing, my
host drinking, my hostis dancing with the worship-
full Justice 1 (for so then he was termed, and his
mansion house in Kent], who came thither of pur
pose to be merry with his men, because he could
not so conueniently neare home, by reason of a
shrewish wife he had. My gentle hostis gaue him
all the entertainment her house could afford : for
Master Peele had paid royally, for all his flue pounds
was come to ten groats. Now George Peek's wit
labours to bring in that fiue pounds there was spent,
which was soon begotten. Being set at dinner :
My Host, quoth George, how fals the Tide out for
London ? Not till the euening, quoth mine Host ;
haue you any businesse, sir 1 Yes, marry, quoth
George, I intend not to go home this two dayes ;
therefore, my Host, saddle my man a horse for
London, if you be so well furnished : for I must
send him for one bag more, quoth George', ten
pounds [which] hath scene no Sunne this six
moneths. 2 I am ill furnished, if I cannot furnish
you with that, quoth my Host, and presently sadled
him a good Nag, and away rides one of Georges
(1) i.e. Peele himself, who assumed the character of a Kent Justice of
Peace, his comrades pretending to be his servants. For an interesting
notice of The Three Pigeons, see Knight's Eng. Cycl. art. Brentford.
(2) i.e. A bag of ten pounds which had been put away, according to his
allegation, for the last half-year.
268 The lests of George Peele.
men to London, attending the good houre of his
Master Peele in London. In the meane time, George
bespeaks great cheare to supper, saying, he expected
some of his friends from London. Now you must
imagine there was not a penny owing in the house, for
he had paid as liberally as Caesar, as farre as Caesars
wealth went. For indeed most of the mony was
one Caesars, an honest man yet liuing in London.
But to the Catastrophe. All the day before, had
one of the other men of George Peele beene a great
soliciter to my Hostis, she would beg leaue of his
Master he might goe see a maid, a sweet heart of
his so farre as Kingstone, and before his Master
went to bed he would returne againe, saying, he
was sure she might command it at his Masters
hands. My kinde Hostis, willing to pleasure the
young fellow, knowing in her time what belonged
to such matters, went to Master Peele, and moued
him in it, which he angrily refused : but she was so
earnest in it, that she swore he should not deny
her, protesting he went but to see an Uncle of his
some five miles off. Marie, I thank you, quoth
George, my good Hostis, would you so discredit
me, or hath the knaue no more wit, than at this
time to goe, knowing I haue no horse here, and
would the base cullian goe a foot ? Nay, good sir,
quoth mine Hostis, be not angry, it is not his intent
The Tests of George Peele. 269
to goe a foot : for he shall haue my Mare, and I
will assure you, Sir, upon my word he shall be here
again to haue you to bed. Well, quoth George,
Hostis, He take you at your word ; let him go ; his
negligence shall light upon you. So be it, quoth mine
Hostis. So downe goeth she, and sends away ciuill
Thomas (for so she called him) to his sweet heart,
backt upon her Mare ; which Thomas, in stead of
riding to Kingstone, tooke London in his way where,
meeting with my other horseman, [he] attended the
arriuall of George Peele, which was not long after.
They 'are at London, George in his chamber at
Brainford, accompanied with none but one Anthony
Nit a Barber, who din'd and supt with him con
tinually, of whom he had borrowed a Lute to passe
away the melancholy afternoone, of which he could
play as well as Bankes his horse. 1 The Barber
very modestly takes his leaue ; George obsequiously
bids him to supper, who (God willing) would not
faile. George, being left alone with his two sup
posed men, gaue them the meane how to escape,
and walking in the Court, George found fault with
the weather, saying it was rawish and cold ; which
word mine Hostis hearing, my kinde Hostis fetched
(i) This performing horse, called Marocco, is well known to all students
of early English literature. In 1595, appeared a tract entitled Maroccus
^xtaticus, or Bankes his Bay Horse in a Trance. Marocco and his
master are mentioned in Tarlton's 7^^(15881600).
2/O T/te Tests of George Peele.
her husbands holiday gowne, which George thank
fully put about him, and witball called for a cup of
Sacke, after which he would walke into the Med-
dowes, and practise upon his Lute. Tis good for
your worship to do so, quoth mine Hostis ; which
walke George tooke directly to Sion, where, hau-
ing the aduantage of a paire of Oares at hand, [he]
made his 1 iourney for London. His two Associates
behind had the plot in their heads by Georges in
struction for their escape : for they knew he was
gone ; my Hostis she was in the market buying of
prouision for supper; mine Host he was at Tables;
and my two masterlesse men desired the maids to
excuse them, if their Master came ; for, quoth they,
we will goe drinke two pots with my Smug Smith's
wife at old Brainford. I warrant you, quoth the
Maids. So away went my men to the Smith's at
old Brainford; from thence to London, where they
all met, and sold the Horse and the Mare, the
Gowne and the Lute; which mony was as badly
spent, as it was lewdly got. How my Host and
my Hostis lookt, when they saw the euent of this,
goe but to the three Pigeons at Brainford^ you shall
know.
(i) Old Ed. reads this.
The Tests of George Peele. 271
The Tests of George and the Barber.
GEORGE was not so merry at London with his Capons
and Claret, as poore Anthony the Barber was sor-
rowfull at Brainford for the losse of his Lute, and
\Anthony\ therefore determined to come to London
to seeke out George Peele, which by the meanes of a
kinsman that Anthony Nit had in London, his name
was Cuts or Feats, a fellow that had good skill in
tricks on the Cards, and he was well acquainted
with the place where Georges common abode was ;
and for kindred sake he directed the Barber where
he should haue him, which was at a blinde Alehouse
in Sea-coale Lane. There he found George in a
greene Jerkin, a Spanish platter fashioned hat, all
alone at a peck of Oysters. The Barbers heart
danc't within him for ioy he had so happily found
him. He gaue him the time of the day. George,
not a little abashed at the sight of the Barber, yet
went not to discouer it openly ; he that at all times
had a quick inuention, was not now behind hand
to entertaine my Barber, who knew for what his
comming was. George thus saluted him : My honest
Barber, quoth George, welcome to London, I partly
know your businesse ; you come for your Lute, doe
you not ? Indeed, Sir, quoth the Barber, for that is
272 The Tests of George Peele.
my comming. And belieue me, quoth George, you
shall not lose your labour. I pray you stand to
and eat an Oyster, and He goe with you presently :
for a Gentleman in the City of great worship bor
rowed it of me for the vse of his Daughter, that
playes exceeding well, and had a great desire to
haue the Lute ; but, sir, if you will goe along with
me to the Gentleman's house, you shall haue your
Lute with great satisfaction. For, had not you
come, I assure you I had sent to you : for you
must understand, that all that was done at Brainford
among us mad Gentlemen was but a iest, and no
otherwise. Sir, I thinke not any otherwise, quoth
the Barber ; but I would desire your worship that,
as you had it of me in loue, so in kindnesse you
would helpe me to it againe. Oh God ! what else,
quoth George; He goe with thee presently, euen as
I am : for I came from Hunting this morning ; and
should I goe up to certaine 1 Gentlemen aboue, I
should hardly get away. I thank you, sir, quoth
the Barber, so on goes George with him in his
green Jerkin, a wand in his hand very pretty, till
he came almost at the Alderman's house where,
making a sodaine stay : afore God ! quoth George,
(i) Old Ed. reads the certaine. Peele probably means to say that there
were some companions of his, with whom he had been hunting, in one of
the upper rooms.
The lests of George Peele. 273
I must craue thy pardon at this instant : for I haue
bethought my selfe, should I goe as I am, it would
be imagined I had had some of my Lord's hounds
out this morning. Therefore He take my leave of
thee, and meet thee where thou wilt about one of
the clocke. Nay, good sir, quoth the Barber, go
with me now : for I purpose, God willing, to be at
Brainford to night. Saist thou so ? quoth George,
why then He tell thee what thou shalt doe. Thou
art here a stranger, and altogether vnknowne ; lend
me thy cloake and thy hat, and do thou put on my
greene Jerkin, and He go with thee directly along.
The Barber, loth to leaue him untill he had his
Lute, yeelded to the change. So when they came
to the Gentleman's porch, he put on George's greene
Jerkin, and his Spanish hat, and he the Barber's
cloake and his hat. Either of them being thus
fitted, George knocks at the doore, to whom the
Porter bids heartily welcome. For George was well
knowne, who at that time had all the ouersight of
the Pageants. He desires the Porter to bid his
friend welcome, for he is a good fellow and a
keeper, M. Porter : one that, at his pleasure, can
bestow a haunch of Venison on you. Marry
that can I, quoth the Barber. I thanke you, sir,
answered the Porter. M. Peele, my Master is in
the Hall, pleaseth it you to walke in? With all
2. T
274 The Tests of George Peele.
my heart, quoth George, in the meane time, let my
friend beare you company. That he shall, M. Peek,
quoth the Porter, and if it please him, he shall take
a simple dinner with me. The Barber giues him
hearty thanks, not misdoubting M. Peele any way,
seeing him known and himself so welcome, [and]
fell in chat with the Porter. George Peele goes
directly to the Alderman, who now is come into
the Court, in the eye of the Barber ; where George,
after many complaints, draws a blacke paper out of
his bosome, and making action to the Barber reads
to the Alderman, as followeth : I humbly desire
your worship to stand my friend in a sleight matter;
yonder hard-fauoured knave, that sits by your Wor
ship's Porter, hath dog'd me to arrest me, 1 and I
(i) In the Puritan, Act III. Sc. v. the matter is differently managed.
George Pyeboard, arrested for debt, persuades the sheriff's officers to
accompany him to the house of a gentleman, of whom he knows nothing,
but who, he gives them to understand, is to pay him 5 for a mask of his
composition. In the following scene, Pyeboard is holding a blank paper
in his hand, and beseeching the gentleman to let him escape by the back
door from his companions, while the latter imagine that he is in treaty
for the mask, the proceeds of which are to be equally divided between
the three :
Pye. Look what maps, and pictures, and devices, and things neatly,
delicately, Mass, here he comes ; he should be a gentleman ; I like his
beard well. All happiness to your worship.
Gent. You're kindly welcome, Sir.
Off. A simple salutation.
zdOff. Mass, it seems the gentleman makes great account of him.
Pye. I have the thing here for you, Sir [Takes the gentle HI an apart.]
I beseech you conceal me, Sir; I am undone else. [Aside.} I have the
mask here for you, Sir; look you, Sir. I beseech your worship, first
The Tests of George Peele. 275
had no other means but to take your worship's
house for shelter the occasion is but triuiall, only
for stealing of a peece of flesh, my selfe consorted
pardon my rudeness, for my extremes make me bolder than I would be.
I am a poor gentleman, and a scholar, and now most unfortunately fallen
into the fangs of unmerciful officers ; arrested for debt which, though
small, I am not able to compass, by reason I am destitute of lands,
money, and friends ; so that if I fall into the hungry swallow of the
prison, I am like utterly to perish, and with fees and extortions be
pinch'd clean to the bone. Now, if ever pity had interest in the blood
of a gentleman, I beseech you vouchsafe but to favour that means of my
escape, which I have already thought upon.
Gent. Go forward.
Off. I warrant he likes it rarely.
Pye. In the plunge of my extremities, being giddy, and doubtful what
to do, at last it was put into my labouring thoughts, to make a happy use
of this paper ; and to blear their unletter'd eyes, I told them there was a
device for a mask in't, and that (but for their interception) I was going to
a gentleman to receive my reward for't- They, greedy at this word, and
hoping to make purchase of me, offer'd their attendance to go along with
me. My hap was to make bold with your door, Sir, which my thoughts
show'd me the most fairest and comfortablest entrance ; and I hope I
have happened right upon understanding and pity. May it please your
good worship, then, but to uphold my device, which is to let one of your
men put me out at a back-door, and I shall be bound to your worship for
ever.
Gent. By my troth, an excellent device.
Off. An excellent device, he says ; he likes it wonderfully.
Gent. O' my faith, I never heard a better.
zd Off. Hark, he swears he never heard a better, sergeant.
Off. O, there's no talk on't ; he's an excellent scholar, and especially
for a mask.
Gent. Give me your paper, your device ; I was never better pleased in
all my life : good wit, brave wit, finely wrought ! Come in, Sir, and receive
your money, Sir. {Exit.
Pye. I'll follow your good worship. You heard how he liked it now?
Off. Puh, we know he could not choose but like it. Go thy ways :
thou art a witty fine fellow i' faith : thou shalt discourse it to us at the
tavern anon ; wilt thou ?
T 2
276 The Tests of George Peek.
with 3. or 4. Gentlemen of good fashion, that would
not willingly haue our names come in question.
Therefore this is my boone, that your worship
would let one of your seruants let mee out at the
Garden doore, and I shall thinke my selfe much
indebted to your Worship. The kinde Gentleman,
little dreaming of George Peek's deceit, tooke him
into the Parlor, gaue him a brace of Angels, and
caused one of his seruants to let George out at the
Garden doore, which was no sooner opened, but
George made way for the Barber seeing him any
more ; and all the way he went could not chuse
but laugh at his knauish conceit, how he had gul'd
the simple Barber, who sate all this while with the
Porter blowing of his nailes. To whom came this
fellow, that let out George. You whorson Keeperly
Rascall, quoth the fellow, doe you come to arrest
any honest Gentleman in my Master's house 1 Not
I, so God helpe me, quoth the Barber ; I pray, sir,
where is the Gentleman, M. Peele, that came along
with me 1 Farre enough, quoth the fellow, for your
comming neere him ; he is gone out at the Garden
doore. Garden doore, quoth the Barber; why, have
you any more doores than one ^ We haue, sir, and
get you hence, or He set you going, goodman
Keeper. Alas, quoth the Barber, sir, I am no
Keeper, I am quite vndone. T am a Barber
The Tests of George Peele. 277
dwelling at Brainford; and with weeping teares
vp and told him how George had vsed him. The
seruant goes in, and tels his Master, which when
he heard, he could not but laugh at the first : yet
in pitty of the poore Barber, he gaue him twenty
shillings towards his losse. The Barber sighing
tooke it, and towards Brainford home he goes ; and
whereas he came from thence in a new Cloake and
a faire Hat, he went home weeping in an old Hat
and a greene Jerkin.
How George Peele became a Physician.
GEORGE on a time being happily furnished both of
horse and mony, though the horse he hired, and
the money he borrowed ; but, no matter how, he
was possest of them ; and towards Oxford he rides
to make merrie with his friends and fellow-students :
and in his way he tooke vp Wickham, where he
soiourned that night. Being at supper, accompanied
with his Hostis, among other table-talke, they fell
into discourse of Chirurgerie, of which my Hostis
was a simple professour. George Peele, obseruing
the humour of my shee-Chirurgian, vpheld her in
all the strange cures she talked of, and praised her
womanly endeuour, telling her, he loued her so
much the better, because it was a thing that he
278 The Tests of George Peele.
professed, both Physicke and Chirurgerie ; and
George had a Dictionarie of Physicall words, that
it might set a better glosse vpon that which he
seemingly profesr, and told his good Hostis at his
returne he would teach her something that should
doe her no hurt : for (quoth he) at this instant I
am going about a great Cure as far as Warwick
shire to a Gentleman of great liuing, and one that
hath beene in a Consumption this halfe yeare, and
I hope to doe him good. O God (quoth the
Hostis), there is a Gentleman not a quarter of a
Mile off, that hath beene a long time sicke of the
same disease. Beleeue me, sir, quoth the Hostis,
would it please your worship e're your departure in
the morning but to visit the Gentleman, and but
spend your opinion of him ; and I make no ques
tion but the Gentlewoman will be very thankfull to
you. I' faith (quoth George), haply at my returne
I may ; but at this time my haste is such that I
cannot : and so good night, mine Hostis. So away
went George to bed, and my giddy Hostis, right of
the nature of most women, thought that night as
long as ten, till she was deliuered of that burthen
of newes which she had receiued from my new
Doctor (for so he termed himself). Morning
being come, at breake of the day mine Hostis
trudges to this Gentleman's house, [and] acquainted
The Tests of George Peele. 279
his wife what an excellent man she had at her house,
protesting he was the best scene J in Physicke, and
had done the most strangest cures that euer she
heard of : saying, that if she would but send for
him, no question he would do him good. The
gentlewoman, glad to heare of any thing that might
procure the health of her Husband, presently sent
one of her men to desire the Doctor to come and
visit her Husband ; which message when George
heard he wondred : for he had no more skill in
Physicke than in Musicke, and they were as distant
both from him as heauen from hell. But, to con
clude, George set a bold face on it, and away went
he to the sicke Gentleman ; where when he came,
after some complement to the Gentlewoman, he
was brought to the Chamber, where the ancient
Gentleman lay wonderfull sicke, for all Physicke
had giuen him ouer. George begins to feele his
Pulses and his Temples, saying, he was very farre
spent : yet, quoth he, vnder God, I wil doe him
some good, if Nature be not quite extinct. Where
upon he demanded whether they had euer a Garden.
That I haue, quoth the Gentlewoman. I pray you
direct me thither, quoth George, where when he
came, he cut a handful of euery flower, herb and
blossome or whatsoeuer else in the Garden, and
(i) i.e. best skilled.
280 The Tests of George Peele.
brought them in the lapid 1 of his cloake, boyled
them in Ale, strained them, boiled them againe ;
and when he had all the iuyce out of them, of
which he made some pottle of drinke, he caused
the sick Gentleman to drinke off a maudlin Cup-
full, and willed his wife to giue him of that same
at morning, noone, and night, protesting, if any
thing in this world did him good, it must be that :
giuing great charge to the Gentlewoman to keepe
him wonderfull warme ; and at my returne, quoth
George, some ten daies hence, I will returne and
see how he fares : for, quoth he, by that time some
thing will be done, and so I will take my leaue.
Not so, quoth the Gentlewoman, your worship must
needs stay and take a simple dinner with me to
day. Indeed, quoth George, I cannot now stay ;
my haste is such, I must presently to Horse. You
may suppose George was in haste, vntill he was out
of the Gentlewomans house : for he knew not
whether he had poysoned the Gentleman or not,
which made him so eager to be gone out of the
Gentlemans house. The Gentlewoman, seeing she
could by no meanes stay him, gaue him two brace
of Angels, which neuer shined long in his purse,
and desired him at his returne to know her house,
which George promised, and with seeming nicenesse 2
(i) Lappet. (2) Delicacy, reluctance.
The Jests of George Peele. 281
took the gold, and towards Oxford went he, forty
shillings heauier than he was, where he brauely
domineered, while his Physicall 1 money lasted.
But to see the strangenesse of this ! Whether it
was the vertue of some herbe which he gathered,
or the conceit the Gentleman had of George Peele,
but it so pleased God the Gentleman recouered,
and in eight daies walked abroad ; and that for
tunate potion, which George made at randome, did
him more good than many pounds that he had
spent in halfe a yeare before in Physicke. George
his money being spent, he made his returne towards
London ; and when he came within a mile of the
Gentleman's house, he inquired of a countrey fellow
how such a Gentleman did. The fellow told him,
God be praised ! his good Landlord was well re
couered by a vertuous Gentleman that came this
way by chance. Art thou sure of it, quoth George ?
Yes, beleeue me, quoth the fellow ; I saw him in
the fields but this morning. This was no simple 2
newes to George. He presently set spurres to his
Horse, and whereas hee thought to shun the towne,
he went directly to his Inne. At whose arriuall,
the Hostis clapt her hands, the Oastler laught, the
Tapster leapt, the Chamberlaine ran to the Gentle-
(i) The word is used here merely to signify the money Peele had got
by his experiment in physic. (2) Common, ordinary.
282 The lests of George Peele.
man's house, and told him the Doctor was come.
How ioyfull the Gentleman was, let them imagine
that haue any after-healths. 1 George Peele was sent
for, and after a million of thanks from the Gentle
man and his friends, George Peele had twenty pounds
deliuered him, which money, how long it was a
spending, let the Tauernes in London witnesse.
How George helped his friend to a Supper.
GEORGE was inuited one night by certaine of his
friends to supper at the White Horse in Friday
Street ; and in the Euening as he was going, he
met with an old friend of his, who was so ill at the
stomacke, hearing George tel him of the good cheere
he went to, himselfe being vnprouided both of
meat and mony, that he swore he had rather haue
gone a mile about than haue met him at that
instant. And beleeue me, quoth George, I am
hartily sorry that I cannot take thee along with
me, my selfe being but an inuited guest ; besides,
thou art out of cloathes, vnfitting for such a com
pany. Marry this He doe ; if thou wilt follow my
aduice, He helpe thee to thy supper. Any way,
quoth he to George; doe thou but devise the meanes,
and He execute it. George presently told him
(i) Recoveries after severe illnesses.
The Jests of George Peele. 283
what he should doe ; so they parted. George was 1
entertained with extraordinary welcome, and seated
at the vpper end of the Table. Supper being
brought vp, H. M. watched his time below ; and
when he saw that the meat was carried vp, vp he
followes, (as George had directed him,) who[m]
when George saw : you whorson Rascall (quoth
George), what make you here 2 Sir, quoth he, I
am come from the party you wot of. You Rogue,
(quoth George), haue I not forewarned you of this 1
I pray you, Sir, quoth he, heare my Errand. Doe
you prate, you slaue, quoth George, and with that
tooke a Rabbet out of the Dish, and threw it at
him. Quoth he, you vse me very hardly. You
Dunghill, quoth George, doe you out-face me 1 and
with that tooke the other Rabbet, and threw it at
his head. After that a Loafe ; then drawing his
dagger, making an offer to throw it, the Gentlemen
staid him. Meane while H. M. got the Loafe and
the two Rabbets, and away he went ; which when
George saw he was gone, after a little fretting, he
sate quietly. So by that honest shift he helped
his friend to his supper, and was neuer suspected
for it of the company.
(i) Old ed. reads well.
284 The lests of George Peele.
How George Peele was shauen, and of the reuenge
he tooke.
THERE was a Gentleman that dwelt in the West
Countrey, and had stayed here in London a Tearme
longer than hee intended, by reason of a Booke
that George had to translate out of Greeke into
English ; and when he wanted money, George had
it of the Gentleman. But the more he supplied
him of Coine, the further off he was from his
Booke, and could get no end of it, neither by fair
meanes, entreaty, or double paiment : for George
was of the Poetical disposition, neuer to write so
long as his mony lasted, some quarter of the booke
being done, and lying in his hands at randome.
The Gentleman had plotted a means to take such
an order with George next time hee came, that hee
would haue his Booke finished. It was not long
before he had his company ; his arriuall was for
more mony. The Gentleman bids him welcome,
causeth him to stay dinner, where falling into
discourse about his Booke, [he] found that it was
as neere ended, as he left it two moneths agoe.
The Gentleman, meaning to be gul'd no longer,
caused two of his men to bind George hand and
foot in a Chaire; a folly it was for him to aske
what they meant by it ; the Gentleman sent for a
The Tests of George Peele. 285
Barber ; and George had a beard of an indifferent
size, and well growne. He made the Barber shaue
him beard and head, left him as bare of haire, as
he was of money. The Barber he was well con
tented for his paines, who left George like an old
woman in mans apparell ; and his voyce became
it well, for it was more woman than man. George,
quoth the Gentleman, I haue alwaies vsed you like
a friend, my purse hath beene open to you ; that
you haue of. mine to translate, you know it is a
thing I highly esteeme ; therefore I have vsed you
in this fashion, that I might haue an end of my
Booke, which shall be as much for your profit as
my pleasure. So forthwith he commanded his
men to vnbinde him, and putting his hand into
his pocket, gaue him two brace of Angels. Quoth
he : M. Peele, drink this, and by that time you
haue finished my booke, your beard will be growne,
vntill which time I know you will be ashamed to
walke abroad. George patiently tooke the gold,
said little, and when it was darke night, tooke his
leaue of the Gentleman, and went directly home,
who[m] when his wife saw, I omit the wonder she
made, but imagine those that shall behold their
husbands in such a case. To bed went George,
and ere morning he had plotted sufficiently how
to cry quid pro quo with his politicke Gentleman.
286 The lests of George Peele.
How the Gentleman was gulled for shauing
of George?-
GEORGE had a Daughter of the age of teene yeers,
a Girl of a prettie forme, but of an excellent wit ;
all part of her was Father, saue her middle : and she
had George so tutored all night, that although him-
selfe was the Author of it, yet had he beene trans
formed into his Daughters shape, he could not
haue done it with more conceit. George at that
time dwelt at the Bank-side, from whence comes
this she-Sinon 2 early in the morning with her
haire disheuelled, wringing her hands, and making
such pitifull moane with shrikes and teares, and
beating of her brest, that made the people in a
maze. Some stood wondering at the Childe, others
plucked her to know the occasion ; but none could
stay her by meanes, but on she kept her iourney,
crying : O, her Father, her good Father, her deare
Father : ouer the Bridge, thorow Cheapeside, and so
to the Old Bailey, where the Gentleman soiourned.
There sitting her selfe downe, an hundred people
gaping vpon her, there she begins to cry out : Woe
to that place, that her Father euer saw it, shee was
(1) Vide supra.
(2) Ed. Bell has she-sinnow ; Ed. 1671 reads she-sinnew.
The Tests of George Peele. 287
a castaway, her Mother was vndone, till with the
noyse, one of the Gentleman's men comming
downe, looked on her, and knew her to bee
George Peeks Daughter. Hee presently runnes vp,
and tels his Master, who commanded his man to
bring her vp. The Gentleman was in a cold
sweat, fearing that George had for the wrong he
did him the day before some way vndone himselfe.
When the Girle came vp, he demanded the cause
why she so lamented, and called vpon her Father.
George his flesh and bloud, after a million of
sighes, cried out vpon him, he had made her
Father, her good father, drowne himselfe. Which
words once vttered, she fell into a counterfeit
swoone, whom the Gentleman soone recouered.
This newes went to his heart, and he, being a man
of a very mild condition, cheered vp the Girle,
made his men to go buy her new cloathes fro top
to toe, said he would be a father to her, gaue her
flue pounds, bid her go home and carry it to her
mother, and in the euening he would visit her.
At this, by little and little she began to be quiet,
desiring him to come and see her Mother. He
tels her he will not faile, bids her goe home quietly.
So downe staires goes she peartly, 1 and the won-
dring people, that staid at doore to hear the man-
(i) Sharply, nimbly.
288 The lests of George Peele.
ner of her griefe, had of her nought but knauish
answers ; and home went she directly. The Gen
tleman was so crossed in minde, and disturbed in
thought at this vnhappy accident, that his soule
could not be in quiet, till he had beene with this
wofull widdow, as he thought, and presently went
to Blacke Friers, tooke a paire of Oares, and went
directly to George Peek's house, where he found
his Wife plucking of Larks, my crying Crocadile
turning of the spit, and George pind vp in a blanket
at his translation. The Gentleman, more glad at
the unlookt for life of George than the losse of his
money, tooke part of the good cheere George had
to supper, wondred at the cunning of the Wench,
and within some few daies after had an end of his
Booke.
The lest of George Peele at Bristow^
GEORGE was at Bristow, and there staying some
what longer than his coine would last him, his
Palfrey that should be his Carrier to London, his
head was growne so big, that he could not get him
out of the stable.' 2 It so fortuned at that instant,
(1) See No. 133 of Mery Tales and Quick Answers, ed. 1567.
(2) Meaning that the bill for his keep was larger than Peele could
satisfy.
The Tests of George Peele. 289
certaine Players came to the Towne, and lay at that
Inne where George Peek was ; to whom George was
well knowne, being in that time an excellent Poet,
and had acquaintance of most of the best Plaiers
in England. From the triuiall sort he was but so
so ; of which these were ; [so they] onely knew George
by name, no otherwise. There was not past three
of the company come with the Carriage ; the rest
were behinde by reason of a long Journey they
had : so that night they could not enact. Which
George hearing had presently a Stratageme in his
head to get his Horse free out of the stable, and
Money in his purse to beare his charges vp to
London ; and thus it was. He goes directly to the
Mayor, tels him he was a Scholler and a Gentleman,
and that he had a certaine History of the Knight
of the Rodes ; * and withall, how Bristow was first
founded and by whom, and a briefe of all those
that before him had succeeded in Office in that
worshipfull City, desiring the Mayor, that he with
his presence, and the rest of his Brethren, would
grace his labours. The Mayor agreed to it, gaue
him leaue, and withall appointed him a place, but
for himselfe he could not be there, being in the
(i) Probably Peele's lost play of The Trirkish Mahomet is here in
tended. See Henslowe's Diary, edited by Mr. Collier for the Shakespeare
Society, 1845, pp. 39, 42. Henslowe enters Mahomet as a source of re
ceipts to the amount of ^3 5$. under date of i4th Aug. 1594.
2. U
290 The lests of George Peele.
euening : but bade him make the best benefit he
could of the Citie, and very liberally gaue him an
Angel, which George thankfully receiues, and about
his businesse he goes, got his stage made, his
History cried, and hired the Players Apparell, to
florish out his Shew, promising to pay them liber
ally ; and withall desired them they would fauour
him so much, as to gather him his money at the
doore, (for hee thought it his best course to imploy
them, lest they should spie out his knauery : for
they haue perillous heads). .They willingly yeeld
to do him any kindnesse that lies in them. In
briefe, [they] carry their apparell to the Hall, place
themselues at the doore, where George in the meane
time with the ten shillings he had of the Mayor,
deliuered his horse out of Purgatory, and carries
him to the townes end, and there placeth him, to
be ready at his comming. 1 By this time the
Audience were come, and so forty shillings
gathered, which money George put in his purse,
and putting on one of the Players silke Robes,
after the Trumpet had sounded thrice, out he
comes, makes low obeysance, goes forward with
his Prologue, which was thus :
A trifling Toy, a lest of no account, par die.
The Knight perhaps you think for to be I :
(i) Compare Mery Tales and Quicke Answeres, No. 133,
The lests of George Peele. 291
Thinke on so still : for why you know, that
thought is free;
Sit still a while, lie send the Actors to yee.
Which being said, after some fire-workes that he
had made of purpose, thrown 1 out among them,
downe 2 staires goes he, gets to his Horse, and so
with fortie shillings to London; leaues the Players
to answer it, who, when the Jest was knowne, their
innocence excused them, being as well gulled as
the Maior and the Audience.
How George gulled a Punke, otherwise called
a Croshabell.
COMMING to London, hee fell in company with a
Cockatrice, which pleased his eye so well, that
George fell aboording of her, and proffered her the
wine which my Croshabell willingly accepted. To
the Tauerne they go, where, after a little idle talke,
George fell to the question about the thing you wot
of. My she-Hobby was very dainty, which made
George farre more eager ; and my lecherous animall
proffered largely to obtaine his purpose. To con
clude, nothing she would grant vnto except ready
coine, which was forty shillings, not a farthing
(1) Old Ed. has threw.
(2) Old Ed. has and downe ; &c.
U 2
292 The Tests of George Peele.
lesse ; if so he would, next night she would appoint
him, where he should meet her. George saw how
the game went, that she was more for lucre than
for loue, [and] thus cunningly answered her : gentle
woman, howsoeuer you speake, I do not thinke
your heart agrees with your tongue ; the money
you demand is but to trie me, and indeed but a
trifle to mee : but because it shall not be said I
bought that lemme of you I prize so highlie, He
giue you a token to morrow, that shall be more
worth than your demand, if so you please to
accept it. Sir, quoth she, it contenteth me well ;
and so, if please you, at this time wee'le part, and
to morrow in the euening [I'll] meet you, where
you shall appoint. The place was determined,
and they kist and parted, she home, George into
Saint Thomas Apostles to a friend of his, of whom
he knew he could take vp a peticoat of trust (the
first letter of his name begins with G). A Peticoat
he had of him at the price of fiue shillings, which
money is owing till this day. The next night being
come, they met at the place appointed, which was
a Tauerne : there they were to suppe : that ended,
George was to goe home with her, to end his
Yeomans plee in her common case. But Master
Peele had another drift in his mazzard : * for he
(i) Head. See Nares (edit. 1859) in voce.
The lests of George Peek. 293
did so ply her with wine, that in a small time she
spun such a threed, that she reeled homewards,
and George he was faine to be her supporter. When
to her house she came, with nothing so much
painting in the inside, as her face had on the
outside, with much ado her maide had her to bed,
who was no sooner layd, but she fell fast asleepe ;
which when George perceiued, he sent the maide
for Milke and a quart of Sacke to make a Posset ;
where before her returne, George made so bold as
to take vp his owne new Petticoat, a faire Gowne
of hers, two gold Rings that lay in the window,
and away he went. The Gowne and the gold
Rings he made a chaffer of ; the Petticoat he gaue
to his honest wife, one of the best deeds he euer
did to her. How the Croshabell lookt when she
awaked and saw this, I was neuer there to know.
How George read a Play-booke to a Gentleman.
THERE was a Gentleman, whom God had indued
with good liuing to maintaine his small wit : he
was not a Foole absolute, although in this world
he had good fortune : and he was in a manner an
Ingle 1 to George, one that took great delight to
(T) Here put for an intimate, a ch^tm; but the word was originally
employed in a less harmless sense. See a long note in Nares (ed. 1859).
294 Tlie Tests of George Peele.
haue the first hearing of any worke that George had
done, himselfe being a Writer, and had a Poeticall
inuention of his owne, which when he had with
great labour finished, their fatall end was for priuy
purposes. This selfe-conceited brocke 1 had George
inuented to halfe a score sheets of Paper ; whose
Christianly pen had writ Finis to the famous Play
of the Turkish Mahomet? and Hyrin the faire
Greeke, in Italian called a Curtezan, in Spaine, a
Margarite, French, Vn\e\ Curt\ez\ain\e\; in English,
among the barbarous, a W**** ; but among the
Gentle, their vsuall associates, a Puncke : but now,
the word refined being latest, and the authority
brought from a Climate as yet vnconquered, the
fruitful! County of Kent, they call them Croshdbell^
which is a word but lately vsed, and fitting with
their trade, being of a louely and courteous con
dition. Leauing them this Fantasticke, whose
brain e was made of nought but Corke and Spunge,
came to the cold lodging of Monsieur Peele , in his
blacke Sattin Sute, his Gowne furred with Coney,
in his Slippers. Being in the euening, he thought
to heare Georges booke, and so to return to his
Inne (this not of the wisest, being of S. Bernards}?
(i) This word signifies literally a badger; but many of our early
/rirers appear to have used it very loosely. It seems here to mean a
we. ( 2 ) Vide supra. (3; Barnard's Inn.
The Tests of George Peele. 295
George bids him welcome, told him he would
gladly haue his opinion in his booke. He wil
lingly condescended, and George begins to read,
and betweene euery Sceane he would make pauses,
and demand his opinion how he liked the cariage
of it. Quoth he, wondrous well, the conueyance.
O, but (quoth George] the end is farre better (for
he meant another conueyance ere they two de
parted). George was very tedious in reading, and
the night grew old. I protest, quoth the Gentle
man, I haue stayed ouer-long ; I feare me I shall
hardly get into mine Inne. If you feare that,
quoth George, we will haue a cleane paire of
sheets, and you take a simple lodging here. This
house-gull willingly embraced it, and to bed they
goe, where George in the midst of the night, spying
his time, put on this Dormouse his cloaths, desired
God to keepe him in good rest, honestly takes
leaue of him and the house, to whom he was
indebted foure Nobles. When this Drone awaked,
and found himselfe so left, he had not the wit
to be angry, but swore scuruily at his misfortune,
and said : I thought he would not haue vsed me
so. And although it so pleased the Fates he had
another sute to put on, yet he could not get thence,
till he had paid the mony George ought to the
house, which for his credit he did ; and when he
296 The lests of George Peele.
came to his lodging, in anger he made a Poem
of it :
Peele is no poet, but a Gull and Clowne,
To take away my Cloaths and Gowne :
I vow by loue, if I can see him weare it,
lie giue him a glyg, and patiently beare it.
How George Peele serued halfe a score Citizens.
GEORGE once had inuited halfe a score of his
friends to a great Supper, where they were passing
merry, no cheare wanting, wine enough, musicke
playing. The night growing on, and being vpon
departure, they call for a reckoning. George swears
there is not a penny for them to pay. They, being
men of good fashion, by no meanes will yeeld vnto
it, but euery man throwes downe his money, some
ten shillings, some fiue, some more, protesting some
thing they will pay. Well, quoth George, taking vp
all the mony : seeing you will be so wilfull, you
shall see what shall follow : he commands the
musicke to play, and while they were skipping
and dancing, George gets his cloake, sends vp two
pottles of Hypocrasse, 1 and leaues them and the
reckoning to pay. 2 They, wondring at the stay of
(1) A medicated drink, composed usually of red wine, but sometimes
white, with the addition of sugar and spices. Nares, ed. 1859.
(2) Vide supra, p. 265, where I have quoted a passage from Rowlands'
The Tests of George Peele, 297
George, meant to be gone ; but they were staid by
the way, and before they went, forced to pay the
reckoning anew. This shewed a minde in him, he
cared not whom he deceiued, so he profited him-
selfe for the present.
A lest of George going to Oxford}-
THERE was some halfe doozen of Citizens, that had
oftentimes been solliciters with George, he being a
Master of Art at the Uniuersity of Oxford, that he
would ride with them to the Commencement, it
being a Midsomer. George, willing to pleasure
the Gentlemen his friends, rode along with them.
When they had rode the better part of the way,
they baited at a Village called Stoken? fiue miles
from Wickham;* good cheare was bespoken for
dinner, and frolicke was the company, all but
George, who could not be in that pleasant veine
that did ordinarily possesse him, by reason he was
without mony : but he had not fetcht forty turns
about the chamber, before his noddle had enter
tained a conceit how to mony himselfe with credit,
Knave of Chtbs, 1600, which was unquestionably an imitation of the
present Jest.
(il Compare the Puritan, Act I. Sc. IV, and Act 4, Sc. 2. There
George Pyeboard contrives the abstraction not of a rapier, as here, but
of the gold chain of Sir Godfrey Plus, of "full three thousand links."
(2) Stoken-Church, Co. Oxon. (3) Chipping- Wicumb, Co. Oxon.
298 The lests of George Pecle.
and yet gleane it from some one of the company.
There was among them one excellent Asse, a
fellow that did nothing but friske vp and down the
Chamber, that his mony might be heard chide in
his pocket ; this fellow had George obserued, and
secretly conuaied his gilt Rapier and Dagger into
another Chamber, and there closely hid it. That
done, he called vp the Tapster, and upon his cloake
borrowes fiue shilling for an hour or so, till his man
came (as he could fashion it well enough). So
much mony he had, and then who more merry
than George ? Meat was brought vp ; they set
themselues to dinner, all full of mirth, especially
my little foole, who dranke not of the conclusion
of their feast. Dinner ended, much prattle past ;
euery man begins to buckle to his furniture, among
whom this Hichcocke 1 missed his Rapier, at which
all the company were in a maze, he, besides his
wits : for he had borrowed it of a speciall friend
of his, and swore he had rather spend 20 Nobles.
This is strange, quoth George^ it should be gone in
this fashion, none being here but our selues, and
the fellows of the house, who were examined, but
no Rapier could be heard of. All the company
(i) This word occurs in the new edition of Nares' Glossary, and is
explained simpleton, which may probably be right. But no other
example of the use of the phrase seems to have fallen in the way of
Nares or his Editors, who quote this very passage.
The lests of George Peele. 299
much grieued ; but George, in a pittiful chafe, swore
it should cost him forty shillings, but he would
know what was become of it, if Art could doe it :
and with that he caused the Oastler to saddle his
Nag, for George would ride to a Scholler, a friend
of his, that had skill in such matters. 1 O, good
M. Peek, quoth the fellow, want no mony, here is
forty shillings ; see what you can doe ; and if you
please, He ride along with you. Not so, quoth
George, taking his forty shillings, He ride alone,
and be you as merry as you can till my returne.
So George left them, and rode directly to Oxford;
there he acquaints a friend of his with all the cir
cumstance, who presently tooke Horse, and rode
along with him to laugh at the iest. When they
came backe, George tels them that he had brought
one of the rarest men in England, whom they with
much complement bid welcome. He, after a dis
tracted countenance and strange words, takes this
(i) " Pye. Give me audience, then. When the old knight, thy master,
has raged his fill for the loss of the chain, tell him thou hast a kinsman
in prison, of such exquisite art that the devil himself is French lackey to
him, and runs bareheaded by his horse-belly, when he has one ; whom
he will cause, with most Irish dexterity, to fetch his chain, though 'twere
hid under a mine of sea-coal, and ne'er make spade or pick-axe his instru
ments : tell him but this, with farther instructions thou shalt receive from
me, and thou showest thyself a kinsman indeed.
Oath. A dainty bully.
Skir. An honest book-keeper.
Idle. And my three-times-thrice-honey cousin." Puritan, Act I. Sc. 4.
3OO The lests of George Peele.
Bulfinch by the wrist, and carried him into the
priuy, and there willed him to put in his head but
while he had written his name, and told forty ;
which he willingly did. That done, the Scholar
asked him what he saw. By my faith, Sir, I smelt
a villanous sent, but I saw nothing. Then I haue,
quoth he ; and with that directed him where his
Rapier was, saying : it is iust North-East, inclosed
in wood neare the earth ; for which they all made
diligent search, till George, who hid it under a settle,
found it, to the comfort of the fellow, 1 the ioy of
(i) Sir Godfrey finds his chain with the assistance of the pretended
conjuror, Captain Idle, on a rosemary-bank, where Idle, by magical
exorcisms, has succeeded, as he alleges, in laying the Devil.
"Pye. 'Sfoot, captain, speak somewhat for shame: it lightens and
thunders before thou wilt begin. Why, when
Idle. Pray, peace, George ; thou'lt make me laugh anon, and spoil
all. [L ightning and thunder.
Pye. O, now it begins again ; now, now, now, captain.
Idle. Rhumbos ragdayon pur pur colucundrion hois plois.
Sir God. [at the door}. O admirable conjuror ! he has fetched thunder
already.
Pye. Hark, hark .'again captain.
Idle. Benjamino gaspois kay gosgothoteron iimbrois.
Sir God. [at the door]. O, I would the devil would come away quickly ;
he has no conscience to put a man to such pain.
Pye. Again.
Idle. Flowste kakoputnpos dra-gone lelootnenos hodgc podge.
Pye. Well said, captain.
Sir God. [at the door]. So long a-coming ? O, would I had ne'er
begun it now ! for I fear me these roaring tempests will destroy all the
fruits of the earth, and tread upon my corn [thunder] oh in the
country.
Idle. Gogdegog hobgoblin hunks hounslow hockleyte coomb-park.
Wid. [at the door]. O brother, brother, what a tempest 's in the
garden ! Sure there's some conjuration abroad.
The lests of George Peele. 301
the company, and the eternall credit of his friend,
who was entertained with wine and sugar; and
George redeemed his cloake, rode merrily to
Oxford, hauing coine in his pocket, where this
Sir God. [at the door]. "Tis at home, sister.
Pye. By-and-by I'll step in, captain.
Idle. Nunc nunc rip-gaskins ips drip dropite
Sir God. [at the door]. He drips and drops, poor man : alas, alas !
Pye. Now, I come.
Idle. O siilphure sootface.
Pye. Arch-conjurer, what wouldest thou with me?
Sir God. [at the door]. O, the devil, sister, in the dining-chamber !
Sing, sister : I warrant you that will keep him out : quickly, quickly,
quickly.
Pye. So, so, so; I'll release thee. Enough, captain, enough; allow
us some time to laugh a little : they're shuddering and shaking by this
time, as if an earthquake were in their kidneys.
Idle. Sirrah, George, how was't, how was't? Did I do't well enough?
Pye. Woult believe me, captain? better than any conjuror; for here
was no harm in this, and yet their horrible expectation satisfied well.
You were much beholden to thunder and lightning at this time ; it graced
you well, I can tell you.
Idle. I must needs say so, George. Sirrah, if we could have con
veyed hither cleanly a cracker or a fire-wheel, it had been admirable.
Pye. Blurt, blurt ! there's nothing remains to put thee to pain now,
captain.
Idle. Pain? I protest, George, my heels are sorer than a Whitsun
morris-dancer's.
Pye. All's past now ; only to reveal that the chain 's in the garden,
where thou know'st it has lain these two days.
Idle. But I fear that fox Nicholas has revealed it already.
Pye. Fear not, captain ; you must put it to the venture now. Nay,
'tis time ; call upon them, take pity on them ; for I believe some of them
are in a pitiful case by this time.
Idle. Sir Godfrey, Nicholas, kinsman. 'Sfoot, they're fast at it still,
George. Sir Godfrey.
Sir God. [at the door], O, is that the devil's voice ? How comes he
to know my name ?
Idle. Fear not, Sir Godfrey ; all's quieted.
3<D2 The Tests of George Peele.
Loach 1 spares not for any expence, for the good
fortune he had in the happy finding of his Rapier.
How George serued his Hostis.
GEORGE, lying at an old Widdows house, had 2 gone
so farre on the score, that his credit would stretch
no farther : for she had made a vow not to depart
with drinke or victuals without ready mony. Which
George, seeing the fury of his froward Hostis, in
griefe kept his chamber, called to his Hostis, and
told her, she should vnderstand that he was not
without mony, how poorely soeuer he appeared to
her, and that my diet shall testifie. In the meane
time, good Hostis, quoth he, send for such a friend
of mine. She did ; so his friend came, to whom
Enter SIR GODFREY, the WIDOW, FRANCES, and NICHOLAS.
Sir God. What, is he laid?
Idle. Laid ; and has newly dropped your chain in the garden.
Sir God. In the garden ? in our garden ?
Idle. Your garden.
Sir God. O sweet conjurer ! whereabouts there?
Idle. Look well about a bank of rosemary.
Sir God. Sister, the rosemary-bank. Come, come ; there's my chain,
he says.
Wid. Oh, happiness! run, run." Puritan, Act IV, Sc. 2.
(1) This passage is cited in Nares ed. 1859, for the word which is
explained, like Hichcocke and Bulfinch supra, to signify a simpleton.
None of these phrases seem to be otherwise known, or to have been
used elsewhere.
(2) Old Ed. reads and had.
The lests of George Peele. 303
George imparted his minde, the effect whereof was
this, to pawne his Cloake, Hose and Doublet, vn-
knowne to his Hostis : for, quoth George, this seuen
nights doe I intend to keepe my bed. (Truly he
spake, for his intent was, the bed should not keepe
him any longer.) Away goes he to pawne his ap-
parell ; George bespeakes good cheere to supper,
which was no shamble-butchers stuffe, but according
to the place : for, his Chamber being remote from
the house, at the end of the Garden, his apparell
being gone, it appeared to him as the Counter;
therefore, to comfort himself e, he dealt in Poultry. 1
His friend brought the mony, [and] supped with him ;
his Hostis he very liberally paid, but cauilled with
her at her vnkindnesse, vowing that, while he lay
there, none should attend him but his friend. The
Hostis replied : a Gods name, she was well con
tented with it ; so was George, too : for none knew
better than himselfe what he intended ; but, in
briefe, thus he vsed his kind Hostis. After his
apparrell and mony was gone, he made bold with
the Feather bed he lay on, which his friend slily
conueyed away, hauing as villanous a Wolfe in his
belly as George, though not altogether so wise : for
that Feather-bed they deuoured in two dayes,
(i) A pun on the Compter or Counter in the Poultry, with the interior
of which Peele was possibly not unacquainted.
1 04 The Tests of George Peele.
feathers and all : which was no sooner digested,
but away went the Couerlet, Sheets, and the Blan
ket ; and at the last dinner, when George's good
friend perceiuing nothing left but the bed-cords,
as the Deuill would have it, straight came in his
mind the fashion of a halter, the foolish kind
knaue would needs fetch a quart of sacke for his
friend George; which sacke to this day neuer saw
Vintners Cellar ; and so he left George in a cold
Chamber, a thin shirt, a rauished bed, no comfort
left him, but the bare bones of deceased Capons.
In this distresse, George bethought him what he
might doe ; nothing was left him ; and his eye
wandered vp and downe the empty Chamber. By
chance he spied out an old Armor, at which sight
George was the joyfullest man in Christendome :
for the Armour of Achilles, that Vlysses and Aiax
stroue for, was not more precious to them, than
this to him. For he presently claps it vpon his
backe, the Halbert in his hand, the Moryon on
his head, and so gets out the backe way, marches
from Shorditch to Clarkenwell, to the no small
wonder of those spectators that beheld him. Being
arriued to the wished hauen he would be, an old
acquaintance of his furnished him with an old Sute,
and an old Cloake for his old Armour. How the
Hostis looked, when she saw that metamorphosis
The Tests of George Peele. 305
in her chamber, iudge those Bomborts that Hue by
tapping between the age of fifty and threescore.
How he serued a Tapster.
GEORGE was making merry with three or foure of
his friends in Pye-corner, where the Tapster of the
house was much giuen to Poetry. For he had
ingrossed the Knight of the Sunne, 1 Venus and
Adonis? and other Pamphlets which the strippling
had collected together, and knowing George to be
a Poet, he tooke great delight in his company, and
out of his bounty would bestow a brace of Cannes
of him. George, obseruing the humour of the Tap
ster, meant presently to worke vpon him. What
will you say, quoth George to his friends, if out of
this spirit of the Cellar I fetch a good Angell that
shall bid vs all to supper. Wee would gladly see
that, quoth his friends. Content your selfe, quoth
George. The Tapster ascends with his two Cannes,
deliuers one to M. Peele, and the other to his friends,
giues them kinde welcome ; but George, in stead of
giuing him thanks, bids him not to trouble him,
(1) The Mirror of Princely Deeds and Knighthood, 1585-1601, 4
9 Parts. See a note in my Ed. of Lovelace's Poems, p. 13
(2) Shakespeare's Poem.
2. X
306 The Tests of George Peele.
and begins in these termes. I protest, Gentlemen,
I wonder you will vrge me so much, I sweare I
haue it not about me. What is the matter, quoth
the Tapster, hath any one angered you 1 No, 'faith,
quoth George, He tell thee ; it is this. There is a
friend of ours in Newgate for nothing but onely
the command of the Justices, and he, being now
to be released, sends to me to bring him an Angell.
Now the man I loue dearely well, and if he want
ten Angels, he shall haue them, for I know him
sure : but heres* the misery. Either I must goe
home, or I must be forced to pawne this; and
plucks an old Harry groat 1 out of his pocket.
The Tapster lookes vpon it : why, and it please
you Sir, quoth he, this is but a groat. No Sir,
quoth George, I know it is but a groat : but this
groat will I not lose for forty pounds : for this
groat had I of my Mother, as a testimony of a
Lease of a house I am to possesse after her de
cease : and if I should lose this groat, I were in
a faire case : and either I must pawne this groat,
or there the fellow must lie still. Quoth the Tap
ster : if it please you, I will lend you an Angell on
it, and I will assure you it shall be safe. Wilt thou,
quoth George ? as thou art an honest man, locke it
vp in thy Chest, and let me haue it, whensoeuer I
(i) i.e. A groat of Henry VIII.
The Tests of George Peele. 307
call for it. As I am an honest man, you shall,
quoth the Tapster. George deliuered him his
groat : the Tapster gaue him ten shillings : to the
Tauerne goe they with the mony, and there merrily
spend it. It fell out in a small time after, the
Tapster, hauing many of these lurches, fell to
decay, and indeed was turned out of seruice,
hauing no more coine in the world than this
groat ; and in this misery he met George as poore
as himselfe. O, sir, quoth the Tapster, you are
happily met ; I haue your groat safe, though since
I saw you last, I haue bid great extremity ; and I
protest, saue that groat, I haue not one penny in
the world ; therefore I pray you, Sir, helpe me to
my mony, and take your pawne. Not for the world,
quoth George; thou saist thou hast but that groat
in the world. My bargaine was, that thou should st
keepe that groat, vntill I demand it of thee ; I aske
thee none; I will do thee more good, because thou
art an honest fellow ; keepe thou that groat still,
till I call for it : and so doing, the proudest Jacke
in England cannot iustifie thou art not worth a
groat, otherwise they might : and so, honest Michael,
farewell. So George leaues the poor Tapster picking
of his fingers, his head full of proclamations what
he might doe; at last sighing he ends with this
Prouerbe :
x 2
308 The lests of George Peele.
For the price of a barrel of Beer e,
I haue bought a groats-worth of wit,
Is not that deare ?
How George serued a Gentlewoman. 1
GEORGE vsed often to an Ordnary in this Towne,
where a kinswoman of the good wife's in the house
held a great pride and vaine opinion of her own
mother- wit : for her tongue was as a Jack conti
nually wagging ; and for she had heard that George
was a Scholler, she thought she would find a time
to giue him notice, that she had as much in her
head, as euer was in her Grandfathers. Yet in
some things she differed from the women of those
dayes : for their naturall complexion was their
beauty. Now this Titmouse, what she is scanted
by nature, she doth replenish by Art, as her boxes
of red and white daily can testifie. But to come
to George, who arriued at the Ordnary among other
Gallants, [he] throwes his cloake vpon the Table,
salutes the Gentlemen, and presently calls for a cup
of Canary. George had a paire of Hose on, that for
some offence durst not bee scene in that hue they
(i) See Thorns' Anecdotes and Traditions, p. 23 (Camden Society).
A portion of the story is there told of Sir John Heydon and the
Lady Gary.
The lests of George Peele. 309
were first dyed in, but from his first colour being
a youthfull green, his long age turned him into a
mournfull black, and for his antiquity was in print :
which this busie body perceiuing, thought now to
giue it him to the quicke : and drawing neere M.
Peele, looking upon his breeches : by my troth,
Sir, quoth shee, these are exceedingly well printed.
At which word, George, being a little moued in his
mind, that his old Hose were called in question,
answered : and by my faith, Mistris, quoth George,
your face is most damnably ill painted. How mean
you, Sir, quoth shee? Marry thus, Mistris, quoth
George, That if it were not for printing and paint
ing, my **** and your face would grow out of
reparations. At which shee, biting her lip, in a
parat fury went downe the staires. The Gentle
men laughed at the sudden answer of George,
and being seated at dinner, the Gentlemen would
needes haue the company of this witty Gentle
woman to dine with them, who with little denying
came, in hope to cry quittance with George. When
shee was ascended, the Gentlemen would needes
place her by M. Peele; because they did vse to
dart one at another; they thought it meet, for
their more safety they, should bee placed neerest
together. George kindly entertains her ; and being
seated, he desires her to reach him the Capon that
3 1 o The Tests of George Peele.
stood by her, and he would be so bold as to carue
for his mony ; and as she put out her arme to take
the Capon, George, sitting by her, yerks me out a
huge ****, which made all the company in a maze
one looking vpon the other : yet they knew it came
that way. Peace, quoth George, and iogs her on
the elbow, I will say it was I. At which all the
Company fell into a huge laughter, shee into
a fretting fury, vowing neuer she should
sleepe quietly, till she was revenged
of George his wrong done vnto
her : and so in a great chafe
left their company.
FINIS.
JACK OF DOVER,
Jack of Dover, His Quest of Inquirie, cr His Privy Search
for the Veriest Foole in England. London, Printed for
William Ferbrand, and are to be sold in Pope's Head
Ally, over against the Taverne doore, neare the Exchange.
1604. 4 P -
The Merry Tales of Jacke of Dover ; or his Quest, &c.
(as in the former ed.} Lond. 1615, 4*?.
Both impressions are in the Bodleian Library.
It is extremely probable that of this little tract, several
editions were published. On the 3rd August, 1601, Wm.
Ferbrand had a licence to print "the second parte of Jack
of Dover ; " but the edition now reprinted is the oldest that
is known to be extant.
It is evident that the term Jack of Dover is used here quite
in a different sense from the one in which it is found in
Chaucer (Prologue to the Cook's Tale). "Jack of Dover"
was edited in 1842 for the Percy Society.
The title of "Quest of Inquirie," was perhaps recom
mended by the popularity of a tract, which appeared in 1595
under the title of
' ' A Quest of Inquirie,
For Women to know,
Whether the tripe-wife were trimmed
By Doll, yea or no.
Gathered by Oliver Oat-Meale."
Henry Fitzgeffrey, in his Satyres, ed. 1620, alludes to Jack
of Dover, his Quest of Inqtiiry, in a passage in which he is
describing the popular literature of the day.
JACKE OF DOVERS QUEST OF
INQUIRIE.
WHEN merry Jacke of Dover had made his privie
search for the Foole of all Fooles, and making his
inquirie in most of the principall places in England,
at his returne home was adjudged to be the foole
himselfe : but now, wearied with the motley cox-
combe, he hath undertaken in some place or other
to finde out a verier foole than himselfe. But first
of all comming to London he went into Paules
church where, walking very melancholy in the
middle ile with captaine Thingut and his fellowes,
he was invited to dine at duke Humphries ordi-
narie where, amongst many other good stomackes
that repayred to his bountifull feast, there came in
a whole jury of pennilesse poets who, being fellowes
of a merry disposition (but as necessary in a
common-wealth as a candle in a straw-bed) hee
accepted of their company; and as from poets
commeth all kind of foolerie, so he hoped by their
good directions to find out this Foole of all Fooles
314
Jacke of D overs
so long lookt for. So thinking to passe away the
dinner time with some pleasant chat, least (being
overcloyde with too many delicates) they should
surfet, he discovered to them his merry meaning,
who being glad of so good an occasion of mirth,
instead of a cup of sacke and sugar for disjestion,
these men of litle wit began to make inquirie and
to search for this aforesayde foole, thinking it a
deede of charitie to ease him of so great a burthen
as his motley coxcombe was, and because such
weake braines as are now resident almost in every
place might take benefite hereat. In this manner
began the inquirie.
The Foole of Herforde.
UPON a time (quoth one of the jurie) it was my
chaunce to be in the cittie of Herforde, when,
lodging in an inn, I was tolde of a certain silly
witted gentleman there dwelling, that wold as
suredly beleeve all things that he heard for a
truth, to whose house I went upon a sleeveles
arrand, and finding occasion to be acquainted
with him, I was well entertained, and for three
dayes space had my bed and boord in his house,
where amongst many other fooleries, I, being a
traveller, made him beleeve that the steeple in
Quest of Inquirie. 315
Burndwood l in Essex sayled in one night as far
as Callis in Fraunce, and afterward returned againe
to his proper place. Another time I made him
beleeve that in the forest of Sherwood in Notting
hamshire were scene five hundred of the king of
Spaines gallies, which went to besiedge Robbin-
hoodes Well, and that fourty thousand schollers
with elderne squirts performed such a peece of
service, as they were all in a manner broken and
overthrowne in the forrest. Another time I made
him beleeve that Westminster hall, for suspition of
treason, was banished for ten years into Stafford
shire. And last of all, I made him beleeve that a
tinker should be bayted to death at Canterbury
for getting two and twenty children in a yeere :
whereupon, to proove me a Iyer, he tooke his
horse and rode thither; and I, to verrifie him
a foole, tooke my horse and rode hither. Well,
quoth Jack of Dover, this in my minde was pretty
foolerie, but yet the Foole of all Fooles is not
heere found that I looke for.
The Foole of Huntingdon.
AND it was my chaunce (quoth another of the
jurie) upon a time to be at Huntington, where
(i) i.e. Brentwood, which is equivalent in meaning to the word in the
text. The place was formerly known also as Burntwoodor Burndwood.
3 1 6 Jacke of D overs
I heard tell of a simple shoemaker there dwelling,
who having two litle boyes, whom he made a
vaunt to bring up to learning, the better to main-
taine themselves when they were men ; and having
kept them a yeere or two at schoole, he examined
them, saying : my good boy (quoth he to one of
them), what doest thou learne? and where is thy
^esson 1 Oh, father, said the boy, I am past grace.
And where art thou? quoth he to the other boy,
who likewise answered, that he was at the divell
and all his workes. Now, Lord blesse us, quoth
the shoomaker, whither are my children learning?
the one is already past grace, and the other at
the divell and all his workes : whereupon he
tooke them both from schoole, and set them to
his owne occupation. Well, quoth Jacke of Dover,
this in my mind was pretty foolery, but yet the
Foole of Fooles is not heere found that I looke
for.
The Foole of Bedford.
NOT many yeeres ago (sayd another of the jurie),
it was my chaunce to be at Bedford, where, in
the time of my continuance there, the wives of
that same place strove to exceed one another in
brave apparell, and shee deemed herselfe the best
woman that could get her garments made of the
Quest of Inquirie. 3 1 7
most finest and strangest fashion; but, amongst
the rest, there was a certaine drapers wife, that
although she could not put all other women downe
in her upper garments, she meant to exceed them
in her lower; and therefore, when other women
had their stockings of wosted, jersie, silke, and
such like, she got her selfe a paire made of the
finest satten, and which shee continually put on,
when she went abroad with her neighbours, and
who but shee (for the same) was talkt of almost in
every company. Thus for a long time bore she
the bel away, and for that fashion exceeded all her
neighbours wives. But now marke what happened
in the end. Her husbande, being a jollie lustie
olde man, on a time looking over the subsidy
booke, founde himselfe therein five pound more
than he was before ; whereupon he presently went
to maister Mayor of Bedford to get some abate
ment who, hearing of his wives fantasticke humour,
and knowing how he kept her in bravery 1 beyond
other women, would not grant him any, saying :
Oh, sir (quoth Maister Mayor), is it not great
reason that, sith your wife exceedes al other women
in bravery, that you likewise exceede all other men
in the Queenes bookes? for shee, a Gods name,
must be in her satten stockings ; neither wooll nor
(i) Old Edit, has braverly.
3 1 8 Jacke of D overs
wosted will serve turne : whose fault is that, pray
you ? To whom he replyed, saying : Oh, pardon
me, sir, I beseech your worship ; I am an olde
man, and not the first that have married with a
wanton young woman, and youth coupled with age
must needs have their owne swing. I tell your
worshippe my good dayes be past; and now
because I cannot please her above the knee, I
must needes please her beneath the knee, at which
merry speeches M. Mayor got the payment in the
Queenes books for that time abated. Well, quoth
Jacke of Dover, this in my minde was pretty
foolery, but yet the Foole of all Fooles is not
heare found that I looke for.
The Foole of Buckingham.
THERE was of late (quoth another of the jurie) a
certaine young man dwelling in Buckingham, who
had long time (in the way of manage) made sute
unto a very rich widdow in the same towne, and to
that purpose had spent much money; but all in
vaine; for he had purchased no more favour at
her handes than he had, when first he began his
sute. Whereupon the young man (not meaning as
yet to give over the same) went another way to
worke, made it knowne to a cosen of his, being a
Quest of Inquirie. 319
merry gentleman of the same towne who, taking
the matter in hand, went to this widdowes house,
and tolde her of his kinsman, an olde suter of hers,
how he had now provided himselfe otherwise of a
wife, and meant not to trouble her any further, and
that he intended the next Sunday following to be
askt in the church, but that he doubted she would
forbid the banes. Not I, by my troth, quoth the
widdow, nor any one for me. Whereupon the old
gentleman procured her to set her hand to a bond
of two hundred pound with this condition, that
neither she, nor any one for her, by any means
should then or at any time after, forbid, or cause
it to be forbidden : the which being done, away
goes he, and wils his foresayd kinsman to haste to
the church, and against the next Sunday following,
bespeake the banes betwixt the widdow and him
selfe. When Sunday came, the widdow gets her
up betimes in the morrow, decking herselfe in her
best apparell, and withall she hyes unto the church,
to heare who it was that her olde lover should
marry. But when service was done, [and] (contrary
to her expectation) she heard that her owne name
was askt unto him, she was so abashed, that she
knew not what to do : yet durst not (for feare of
forfeyting her bond) make any meanes to have the
banes forbidden, but of force was content to let
320 Jacke of Dover s
them alone j and so at the day appoynted, she was
maryed to the young man, who prooved a very
carefull husband, and long lyved they togither in
great love and unitie. Well, quoth Jacke of Dover,
this in my minde was pretty foolerie, but yet the
Foole of all Fooles is not heere found, that I
looke for.
The Foole of Northampton-
IN like manner (quoth another of the jurie) there
dwelled a certaine rich gentleman of late in the
towne of Northampton who, being somewhat given
to the old religion, was very charitable to the
poore, and every day gave many a good almes at
his doore ; the which not a little greeved his wife,
being a woman of a very covetous nature. But
she, having by good huswifery gathered together a
pretty stocke of money, came unto her husband
(not knowing how to bestow it of her selfe) and
delivered it to him, being a bag of good old angels,
and withall requested him to lay it out (for her use)
upon some house or land, that if God should call
him away, shee might the better maintaine herselfe
afterward. The good old gentleman, knowing his
wives covetous nature, on this condition takes her
bag of angels, promising with the same to buy her
Q uest of Inquirie. 321
a house for ever. But so it hapned, that within
few daies after he changed his wives double gold
into single silver, and alwayes when he went
abroad (in a merry humour), he gave of the same
money to the poore, so bountifully bestowing it
that in a short time he had never a whit left. All
this while the poore woman thought hee was
espying her out a house ; but at last, marvelling
she heard no news thereof, tooke occasion to
moove her husband of it, saying : I would gladly
know, good husband [quoth she], where the house
is you promised to buy with my money? Oh,
good wife, quoth he, it is in heaven, wife : thy
money hath purchased us for ever a house in
heaven, a house that will never decay, but stand
eternally : meaning, that the money he had given
to the poore, had purchased them a house in
heaven, where all good deeds are rewarded. But
never after that time, would his wife give him
any more money, but kept it secret alone to her
selfe. Well, quoth Jacke of Dover, this in my
mind was pretty foolery, but yet the Foole of all
Fooles is not here found that I looke for.
322 Jacke of D overs
The Foole of Oxford!
THERE was upon a time (quoth another of the
jurie) a certaine merry black-smith dwelling in
Oxford, who upon a great festival-day, was invited
to dine at a nobleman s table, who kept a house
some two miles off ; and being a merry conceited
fellow, and full of jestes, he was placed amongst
both honorable and worshipfull personages. To
which table, amongst many other dainties, there
was served in two gurnet fishes ; the one, being of
an exceeding great bignes, was set before the
nobleman himselfe ; the other, being a very little
one, was placed in the dish that stood just before
this same black-smith who, being in his merry
moode, and having a desire to taste of the bigger
fish, tooke the little one in his hand, and laide it
close to his eare, harkning to it as though it would
have spoken : which when the nobleman perceived,
he greatly marvailed, and demaunded the cause of
his doing so. Oh, my good lord, quoth hee, from
a friend of mine lately drowned in the seas, I
would gladly heare some newes ; concerning whom
I have asked this little fish, and he sayth, that as
yet he can tell little, by reason of his tender age,
(i) See Joe Miller's Jests, edit. 1739, p. 21.
Quest of Inquirie. 323
but he hath an olde kinsman (he sayth) can tell
more of the matter, which now lyeth there in the
dish before you ; therefore I beseech your honour
let me talke with him a little. Herewithall the
nobleman and his guestes were greatly delighted,
and so reached him downe the bigger fish ; wherein
the merry black-smith had his desire, and withall
was well satisfied and contented. Well, quoth
Jacke of Dover, this in my minde was pretty
foolerie, but yet the Foole of all Fooles is not
heere found that I looke for.
The Foole of Warwicke.
NOT many yeeres ago (quoth another of the jurie),
there was dwelling in Warwicke a plaine country
farmer, but none of the wisest; who on a time
rysing early in a morning, found his hose eaten
and gnawne with rats ; and being therewith greatly
troubled in minde, thinking the same to be some
token of misfortune comming towards him, went
unto a neighbour of his to crave his advice and
counsell therein, and to know what it signified,
saying, that it was the strangest thing that ever he
saw. But his honest neighbour, noting the sim-
plicitie of his wit, presently made him this answere :
surely, good neighbour (quoth he), this is no such
Y 2
3 24 Jacke of D overs
strange thing as you speake of; but if your hose
had eaten the rattes, then had it been a strange
thing indeed. 1 Hereupon the poore farmer, seeing
himselfe thus flouted to his face, went his way all
ashamed. Well, quoth Jacke of Dover, this in my
minde was pretty foolerie, but yet the Foole of all
Fooles is not heere found, that I looke for.
The Foole of Coventrie.
UPON a time, there was (quoth another of the jury)
a certaine petty-cannon 2 dwelling in Coventrie, to
whose house, upon a high feastival day, there came
an expeart and curious musition, but very poore
(as commonly men of the finest qualities be), and in
hope of a reward offered to shew him the rarest
musicke that ever he heard. Wilt thou so 1 quoth
the petty-cannon well, shew thy best, and the more
cunningly that thou playest, the greater reward
thou shalt have. Hereupon the poore musition
cheered up his spirits, and with his instrument
plaide in a most stately manner before him a long
season; whereunto the petty-cannon gave good
care, and on a sodaine startes up, and gets him
into his study, where he remained some three or
(1) See Tarlton's Jests, first printed about 1589, p. 237 of present vol.
(2) i.e. Minor Canon.
Quest of Inquiric. 325
foure houres, not regarding the poore musition that
all this while stood playing in the hall, hoping for
some reward or other. Afterwarde, when it grew
towards supper time, downe came the petty-cannon
againe, and walkes two or three times one after
another by the musition, but sayes never a word ;
at which the musition began to marvell; and
having nothing all this while given him for all his
laboure, he boldly asked his reward. Why, quoth
the petty-cannon, the reward I promised thee, I
have already payde. As how? quoth the musi
tion j as yet was nothing given me. Yes, quoth
the petty-cannon, I have given thee pleasure for
pleasure ; for I have as much delighted thee with
hope, as thou hast done me with musick. Well,
quoth Jacke of Dover, this in my minde was pretty
foolery, but yet the Foole of all Fooles is not
heere found, that I looke for.
The Foole of Lester.
A CERTAINE knight there was (quoth another of the
jury), that on a time, as he rode through Lester,
had an occasion to alight and make water, and
walking afterward a foote through the streetes,
there came unto him a poore begger-man and
asked of his worship one penny for God's sake.
3 26 Jacke of D overs
One penny, quoth the knight, that is no gyft for
a man of worship to give. Why then, quoth the
begger, give me an angell. Nay, that (sayd the
knight) is no almes for a begger to take. Thus
both wayes did he shake him off, as one worthy
of no reward for his presumption. Well, quoth
Jacke of Dover, this is likewise pretty foolerie, but
yet the Foole of all Fooles is not heere found, that
I looke for.
The Foole of Nottingham.
THERE was of late in Nottingham, (quoth another
of the jury) a certain justice of peace who, one
time ryding through the streete, he met with a
swaggering companion called Cutting Tom who,
in a braverie, tooke the wall of M. Justice, and
almost tumbled both him and his horse downe
into the dirt. Whereupon in an anger he caused
the ruffian to be staide, and asked him what he
was. Mary (quoth Cutting Tom), I am a man as
you are. But quoth the justice : whom dost thou
serve 1 Whom do I serve ! quoth he, why I do
serve God. Serve God ! sayd the justice ; what !
dost thou mocke mee ! goe carry the knave to
prison, He teach him some other answer, then to
say I serve God. To the jaile was he born, where
Q uest of Inquirie. 327
for that night he lay, and on the morrow [was]
brought before him againe. Now, sirra, quoth the
justice, are you better advised yet 1 ? tell me, who
do you serve now? Why, quoth Cutting Tom, I
serve God still. But, sayd the justice, dost thou
serve no body else ? Yes, quoth he, I serve my
Lord President of Yorke. Gods body, knave, why
didst not say so at first 1 Mary, quoth he, because
I had thought you had loved God better than my
Lord President : for now I see for his sake I am
set at liberty, and not for Gods ; therefore He
serve God no more, but stil my Lord President.
Well, quoth Jacke of Dover, this in my minde was
pretty foolery, but yet the Foole of all Fooles is
not heere found, that I looke for.
The Foole of Lincolne.
As I heard say (quoth another of the jurie), there
dwelled of late a certaine poore labouring man in
Lincolne, who upon a time, after his wife had so
reviled him with tongue mettle, as the whole streete
rung againe for wearinesse thereof, at last he went
out of the house, and sate him downe quietly upon
a blocke before his owne doore ; his wife, being
more out of patience by his quietnes and gentle
sufferaunce, went up into the chamber, and out at
3 28 Jacke of D overs
the window powred downe a p****pot upon his
head ; which when the poore man saw, in a merry
moode he spake these words : now, surely, quoth
he, I thought at last that after so great a thunder,
we should have some raine. Well, quoth Jacke of
Dover, this in my minde was pretty foolery, but
yet the Foole of all Fooles is not heere to be
found that I looke for. 1
The Foole of Yorke.
OF late there was dwelling in Yorke (quoth another
of the jury) a certaine merry cloathyer, a passing
good house-keeper, and one whose table was free
for any man ; but so it hapned on a time, amongst
many other sitting at his table, there was a countrey
gentleman named Maister Fuller, with whom as
then he meant to be merry, and therefore finding
occasion, he spake as foloweth : now, I pray you,
Maister Fuller, quoth he (having as then divers
sortes of wildfoule upon the table), which doe you
thinke the better meat, of a partridge or a wood
cocke ? Mary, quoth he, I do thinke a partridge.
Not in my minde, quoth the cloathyer : for I take
(i) This is of course merely the old story of Socrates and Xantippe
made familiar to the English public by the Mery Tales and Quick
Answers (1530), of which it is No. 49.
Quest of Inquirie. 329
a woodcocke to be the better meate ; for a wood-
cocke is fuller in the wing, fuller in the legge,
fuller in the pinion, and fuller is the woodcocke
in all places ; at which the whole company laughed
hartely, and M. Fuller heard himselfe called wood
cocke by craft. Well, quoth Jacke of Dover, this
in my minde was pretty foolery, but yet the Foole
of all Fooles is not heere found, that I looke for.
The Foole of Durham.
UPON a time (quoth another of the jury) there was
a certaine lewde pilfring fellow, that served a
gentleman of Durham, whom he kept for no other
purpose, but onely to make cleane the yardes,
sweepe the streetes, fetch in water, and such other
drudgeries. This fellow, upon a time having stolne
and convaide away certaine trifling thinges out of
his masters house, as he had done before in divers
places where he dwelt, and being now detected for
the same, and brought before his M., his excuse
was, that by no meanes he could do withall, for it
was his fortune to steale, and who (quoth he) can
withstand his hard fortune? Why then, said his
maister, it is also thy hard fortune to be whipt,
which being likewise thy destiny, thou canst not
prevent it. Here the servant alleadged that for-
330
Jacke of D overs
tune was the cause of his fault. The master like
wise returneth, that fortune was the cause of his
punishment. To be short, it was the poore fellowes
hard fortune to be well whipt, and so turned out of
service. Well, quoth Jacke of Dover, this in my
minde was pretty foolerie, but yet the Foole of all
Fooles is not heere found, that I looke for.
The Foole of Westchester.
UPON a time (quoth another of the jury), there was
a widow woman dweling in Westchester, that had
taken a certaine sum of mony of two cony-catchers,
to keepe upon this condition, that she should not
deliver it againe to the one without the other : but
it so hapned that, within a while after, one of these
coney-catchers fayned his fellow to be dead, and
came in mourning cloathes to the woman and
demaunded the money. The simple woman, think
ing his words to be true, beleeved that his fellow
was dead in deed, and there[u]pon delivered him
the money. Now, within few dayes after commeth
the other conicatcher, and of the woman likewise
demaundeth the same money; but understanding
of the delivery thereof before to his fellow without
his consent (as the bargaine was made), he arrested
Quest of Inquirie. 331
the poore woman to London, and brought her to
great trouble ; but, being at last brought to tryall
before the judges of the court, she sodainely slipt
to the barre, and in this manner pleaded her owne
cause. My good Lordes (quoth she), here is a
fellow troubles me without cause, and puts me to a
needles charge. What need he seeke for triall,
when I confesse the debt, and stand heere ready
to deliver his money 1 Why, that is all, quoth the
conicatcher, that I demaund. I, but (quoth the
woman) do you remember your condition : which
is, that I must not deliver it to the one without the
other 1 ? therefore, go fetch thy fellow, and thou
shalt have thy mony. Hereupon the conicatcher
was so astonished, that he knew not what to say :
for his fellow was gone, and he could not tell
where to find him ; by which meanes he was con
strained to let his action fall, and by the law was
condemned to pay her charges, and withall great
dammages for troubling her without cause. Well,
quoth Jacke of Dover, this, in my minde, was
pretty foolery ; but yet the foole of all fooles is not
heare found, that I looke for. 1
(i) A similar story occurs in Mery Talcs and Quick A-ns-weres (1530) ;
but there it is Demosthenes who pleads the cause of a maid placed in the
same predicament.
3 3 2 Jacke of D overs
The Fooh of Northumberland.
THERE was of late (quoth another of the jurie) a
certaine simple fellow dwelling in Northumberland,
that could not well remember his owne name, nor
tell rightly to the number of just twentie, yet would
many times give such good admonitions, as the
wisest man in all the countrey could not give
better ; but amongst all other, this one is worthy
of memory. For going in an evening through a
greene fielde, it was his chaunce to over heare a
lusty young batchelor making sute to a faire milke-
mayd for a night's lodging, who for the same
demaunded a brace of angelles ; whereupon the
foole, sodainly starting backe, merrely said unto
him : " Oh, my goode friende (quoth he), I prithee
buy not repentance so dear " * signifying to the
(i) " Lais," says he (Sotion), "of Corinth, by the elegance and beauty
of her person, obtained a prodigious deal of money ; and it was notorious
that she was visited by men of wealth from all parts of Greece ; but no one
was admitted who did not give her the sum she demanded, which, in
deed, was extravagant enough. Hence, he (Sotion; remarked, arose that
proverb so common in Greece, It is not for any man to sail to Corinth ;
that is, it was absurd for any man to visit Lais at Corinth, who was un
able to give what she required. This woman was privately visited by
Demosthenes, who desired her favours. But Lais asked a thousand
drachmae, or a talent ; that is, in our money, equal to 100,000 sesterces.
Demosthenes, struck with the petulance of the woman, and alarmed at
the greatness of the sum, turned back ; and as he was leaving her, said,
I bu}- not repentance so dear.'" Aulus Gellius Node s A tticce, transl
by Beloe, i. 35-6.
Quest of Inquirie. 333
will, that after dishonest pleasure, repentance
followeth speedily. Well, quoth Jack of Dover,
this in my minde was foolish wisdome, but yet
the foole of all fooles is not heere found, that I
looked for.
The Foole of Westmerland.
OF late was dwelling in Westmerland (quoth an
other of the jurie) a certaine simple taylor, that
by his maister was sent some two mile off to a
gentleman named Maister Taylor, to demaund a
little money due unto his maister for making four
sutes of apparell ; but coming to the gentleman
when he had not so much in the house as would
discharge the debt, yet meaning not to abase his
creddit so much as to tell the fellow so, he found
this wittie shift to drive him off for that time :
for, when the taylors man demanded the money,
he asked the fellow what he was? and please
your worship (quoth he), I am by occupation a
taylor. A taylor is a knaves name (saith the gen
tleman) ; heeres every knave as well as myselfe wil
be a taylor : but I prithee, friend, what taylor art
thou 1 for there be divers sorts of taylers ; there
be taylors by name, there be marchant tailors,
there be womens taylers, there be snipping taylors,
334 Jacke of D overs
there be cutting taylors, there be botching taylors,
and there be honest taylors, and there be
thieving taylors. By this description of taylors
he drove the poore fellow to such a quandary
that he knew not what to say, but returned like a
fool as he went, without either money or answere.
Well, quoth Jacke of Dover, this in my mind
was pretty foolery, but yet the foole of all fooles
is not here found, that I look for.
The Foole of Lancaster)-
THERE was of late (quoth another of the jurie) a
ploughman and a butcher dwelling in Lancaster
who, for a trifling matter (like two fooles), went to
law, and spent much money therein, almost to
both their undoings ; but at last, being both con
sented to be tride by a lawyer dwelling in the same
town, each of them, in hope of a further favour,
bestowed gyftes upon him. The ploughman first
of all presented him a cupple of good fat hens,
desiring Mr. Lawyer to stand his good friend, and
to remember his suite in law ; the which he cour
teously tooke at his handes, saying that what favour
(i) See Wright's Latin Stories, edited for the Percy Society, p. 73;
Mcry Tales and Quick Answers (1530), No. 22 ; and Pleasant Conceits
ofOldHobson, 1607.
Quest of Inquirie. 335
he could show him, he should be sure of the
uttermost. But now, when the butcher heard of
the presenting of these hens by the ploughman,
hee went and presently killed a good fatte hogge,
and in like manner presented it to the lawyer, as a
bribe to draw him to his side ; the which he also
tooke very courteously, and promised the like to
him as he did before to the other. But so it fell
out that, shortly after, the verdict passed on the
butchers side ; which when the ploughman had
notice of, he came unto the lawyer, and asked him
wherefore his two hens were forgotten. Mary,
quoth he, because there came in a fatte hogge and
eate them up. Now a vengeance take that hog !
quoth the ploughman, that eate both my suit in
law and hens together ! Well, quoth Jacke of
Dover, this in my minde was pretty foolery, but
yet the foole of all fooles is not heere found, that
I looked for.
The Foole of Worstershire.
THERE was on a time, remayning in Worstershire
(quoth another of the jurie), a certain poet or
vercifier, that had dedicated a booke of poetrie to
a merrie gentleman there dwelling, thereby to pur
chase his favour and reward withall. When the
3 3 6 Jacke of D overs
poet had presented the book unto him, the gentle
man in outward show took it very kindly; but
without any answere at all given to the poore
scholler, he put it up into his pocket and went his
wayes. Within a while after, the poet (to put him in
minde thereof) gave him certaine excellent verses,
the which he likewise tooke, and put into his
pocket without any answere at all. In this manner,
did the poore scholler oftentimes put the gentle
man in minde of his goodwill, but all in vaine :
for neither had he a reward nor answere at all
backe. But now at last marke what hapned.
When the gentleman saw he could not be rid of
the poet by anie means, himselfe with his owne
handes writ certaine verses in Latten, and when
he spied him againe coming towards him, he sent
him the verses by one of his servants : the scholler
courteously tooke and read them, not only with a
loude voyce, but with pleasing jesture and amiable
countenance, praysing them with wonderfull ad
miration ; and thereupon, coming nearer to the
gentleman, he put his hand into his pocket, and
pulled^ out a few single two-pences, and offered
them unto him, saying : it is no reward for your
estate (right worshipfull), but if I had more, more
would I give. Hereupon the gentleman in regard
of the schollers good wit, called his purse-bearer,
Quest of Inquirie. 337
and commanded foure angells forthwith to be
given him. Well, quoth Jacke of Dover, this in
my minde was pretty foolerie, but yet the foole of
all fooles is not heere found, that I look for.
The Foole of Winsor.
UPON a time, there was in Winsor (quoth another
of the jurie), a certaine simple outlandish doctor
of phisicke, belonging to the Deane, who on a day
being at dinner in Eton Colledge, in a pleasant
humor asked of Maister Deane what strange
matter of worth he had in the colledge, that he
might see, and make report of when he came into
his own countrey. Whereupon the deane called
for a boy out of the schole of some six yeeres of
age who, being brought before him, used this
speach : m. Doctor, quoth he, this is the onely
wonder that I have, which you shall quickly find,
if you will aske him any question. Whereupon
the D. calling the boy to him, said these words :
my pretty boy (quoth he), what is it that men so
admire in thee? My understanding, quoth the
boy. Why, sayd the Doctor, what dost thou
understand ? I understand myselfe, said the boy,
for I know myselfe to be a childe. Why, quoth
2. Z
3 3 8 Jacke of D overs
the Doctor, couldest thou thinke that thou wert a
man? Not so easely, M. Doctor, answered the
boy, as to thinke that a man may be a child. As
how, sayd the Doctor $ By this, quoth the boy :
for I have heard, that an old man decayed in wit,
is a kind of child, or rather a foole. With that
the Doctor, casting a frowning smile upon the boy,,
used these words : truly, thou art a rare childe
for thy wit, but I doubt thou wilt proove like a
sommer apple : soone ripe, soone rotten ; thou
art so full of wit now, that I feare thou wilt have
little when thou art old. Like enough, sayd the
boy ; but will you give me leave to shew my
opinion upon your wordes 1 Yes, my good wag
(sayd he). Then M. Doctor, quoth the boy, I
gather by your words, that you had a good wit
when you were young. 1 The Doctor, biting his
lip, went his way, very much displeased at the
boyes witty reasons, thinking himselfe ever after to
be a foole. Well, quoth Jacke of Dover, this, in
my minde, was pretty foolery, but yet the foole of
al fooles is not here found, that I look for.
(i) The same anecdote has been related as a precocious burst of wit
on the part of R. B. Sheridan when a boy. It is to be found in jest-books
anterior to its appearance in Jack of Dover.
Quest of Inquirie. 339
The Foole of Darbie.
UPON a time, there chaunced (quoth another of
the jurie), to come unto a gentlemans house at
Darbie, a certaine goldsmith of London who, after
dinner, looking well upon the gentlemans cupboard
of plate where, amongst many other peeces very
richly wrought, he had a chiefe likeing to two
silver cups. The one was made in fashion of a
tigar, the other of a crab-fish ; whereupon he
desired the gentleman to lend him for a day or
two the cup made like a tigar, to make another by
it ; which having obtained, he carryed it away with
him, and kept at his house full three months ;
which the gentleman nothing pleased with, sent to
him for it. Which having gotten home, it fell out
that within few dayes after, the same goldsmith
sent to the gentleman againe, to borrow his other
cup of the crab-fish ; to whose messenger the gen
tleman made this pleasant answere : I prithee, my
good friend, quoth he, commende me to thy
maister, and tell him I would be glad to doe him
any pleasure, but seeing my tiger, which I tooke to
be one of the swiftest beastes in the world, hath
been three monthes in going between London and
Darbie, truley I feare my crab is so slow, that if I
should let him creepe out of my doores, he would
z 2
34-O Jacke of Dover s
be three yeares in comming home againe, and
therefore intreat him to pardon me. Well, quoth
Jacke of Dover, this in my mind was pretty foolery ;
but yet the foole of all fooles is not here found,
that I looke for.
The Fool of Shrewesburie.
IN Shrewsburie, there was of late (quoth another
of the jurie) a substantial innkeeper, that kept a
certaine foole in his house, of whom he demanded
on a time, of what profession he thought most men
of the towne to be of? Who answered, that he
thought they were phisitions. Phisitions ! quoth
the innkeeper ; what wager wilt thou lay on that 1
Mary, answered the foole, I will lay five crownes,
and that within few dayes I will approve it, or else
I will pay the money. Well, said the innkeeper,
thou shalt either pay it, or be well payd for it, if it
be not so : but if thou make it good, thou shalt
have five crownes of mee. Content, quoth the
foole. So upon the next morning he put a clout
under his chin and over his mouth, and laying his
hand under his jawes, went hanging his head up
and downe the towne, as if he had bin very sicke ;
but at last, comming into a cutlers shop, a friend
of his, he made a great shew of the paine of the
Quest of Inquirie, 341
toothach, asking of him a medicine for the same ;
who presently taught him one, with which he
thankfully departed : and with this device he went
almost to every house of the towne, to learne a
medicine for the toothach, setting downe in a
booke divers medicines, with their names that gave
them : which being done, he returned to the inn
keeper, with his clout about his mouth, seeming to
be sore payned with the toothach, which the inn
keeper perceiving, in pittie brake into this speech :
alas ! poore foole, never feare it, if it be but the
toothach ; He helpe thee presently. I pray you
do (quoth the foole) : for I am in cruell paine :
which he no sooner taught him, but the foole, pull
ing off his clout, fell into a great laughing, with
these words : this is the best medicine that ever I
learned : for it hath not onely made me whole, but
hath gotten me five crownes. As how 1 said the
innkeeper. Mary, thus, quoth the fool. You layde
a wager with mee, that most of the towne were
not phisitions, and I have prooved that they be :
for most part in every house I have learned medi
cines for my teeth, and they that give medicines
can be no other then phisitions ; in witnes whereof
see heere in my booke what is set downe. The
innkeeper, seeing himselfe thus overreacht, con
fessed the wager, and payde the foole his money.
34 2 Jacke of Dover s
Well, quoth Jacke of Dover, this in my mind was
pretty foolery, but yet the foole of all fooles is not
heere found, that I looke for.
The Foole of Winchester.
NOT far from Winchester, there dwelled (quoth
another of the jury) a certaine simple justice, to
whom a country gentleman made complaint of the
ill demeanors and disordered lives of many under
officers in his libertie, requesting him that he
would send for them, and put them in some feare :
the which he promised to do. Whereupon he
sent his warrant for all the bayliffes, constables,
headborroughes and churchwardens, that were in
his liberty ; and putting them altogether in a great
chamber, he put on a night gowne which was furred
with blacke lambe skins, with the wrong side out
ward, and so with his hand before his face, as halfe
blinded, ran backwards at them, crying " Boe bul-
bagger," as some use to feare children withal, and
so, according to the gentlemans complaint, he
feared them away. Well, quoth Jacke of Dover,
this in my minde was pretty foolery ; but yet the
foole of all fooles is not heere found, that I looke
for.
Quest of Inquirie. 343
The Foole of Gloster.
UPON a time (quoth another of the jurie), a cer-
taine fellow, wanting money, came unto Gloster,
where hapning into the company of a sort of
maister colliars, he sodainly began this speech :
my good friends (quoth he), if any of you will
gaine by a poore man, draw neare. I will give
you that thing for a shilling a peece which, if you
use it well, shall be worth a crowne to you ; where
upon the colliars, in hope of benefite, bestowed
some few shillings upon him, and he to every one
of them gave fower yardes of fine threede, which
of purpose he had in his pocket : but to every one
that receaved the threed he gave this item : take
heed, quoth he, when you see a foole or a knave,
that you let him not come neare you by the length
of this threed, and it will be worth a crowne the
observing of it ; whereat they all laughed to see
themselves made fooles in this manner. Well,
quoth Jacke of Dover, this in my minde was pretty
foolery, but yet the foole of all fooles is not heere
found, that I look for.
The Foole of Devonshire.
AFTER this, travelling from Gloster, I tooke my
jorney into Devonshire where, in the time of my
344 Jacke of D overs
continuance there, I had intelligence of a plaine
countrey ploughman there dwelling, who for his
simpleness almost every one made a foole of; but
amongst the rest a certaine covetous gentleman,
having a desire to a good milch cow which this
poore ploughman had, would very often times say
in his hearing, that what gyftes soever any man
gave him with a goodwill, should before the yeeres
end be turned double againe. This poore plough
man, noting his wordes very often, and thinking to
have two kine for his one before the yeeres end,
which would, as he thought, be a great benefite to
him, gave him his said cow ; the covetous gentle
man taking the same very gladly, meaning never
to returne her backe, put her into his neathouse
amongst his other kine. The poore ploughman
hying himselfe home, daily expecting when his cow
should come home double, at last unawares in an
evening, he heard his cow low before his window,
which by chaunce had broke out of the gentle-
mans stable, and an other fat oxe with her ; which
when the ploughman saw, he held up his handes
blessing himselfe, saying : see how the Lord workes
with this good gentleman : for he, pitying my
estate, hath sent my cow double home in deed,
the which I will here take at his handes very thank
fully. So dryving them both into his house, he
Quest of Inquirie. 345
killed the fat oxe and salted him up in powdring
tubbes, and caryed his cow the next morning
againe to the gentleman, saying : and please your
worship, yester night you sent her home to my
house according to your promise, which heere I
give to you againe to day, hoping still of your
wonted curtesies. The gentleman, not regarding
his speeches, but thinking them to be mere foolish-
nesse in deede, tooke the poore mans cow againe,
and put her into his stable amongst his beastes as
before he did : but the cowe, not forgetting her
old maisters house, came still once a weeke home
with a fellow, and so continued until such time as
the poore ploughman had sixe or seaven of the
gentleman's best beeves in his powdring tubs ;
but, being discoverd, the gentleman could never
by his owne wordes recover any thing at the poore
mans handes. This in my minde was pretty
foolerie : but yet the Foole of all Fooles is not
heere found, that I looke for.
The Foole of CornewalL
THUS travelling with my privie search from Devon
shire, I came to Cornewall, where after I had
made my jorney, I was told of a humorous knight
dwelling in the same countrey, who upon a time
346 Jacke of Dover s
having gathered together in one open market place
a great assemblie of knightes, squires, gentlemen
and yeomen, and whilest they stood expecting to
heare some discourse or speach to proceed from
him, he in a foolish manner (not without laughter)
began to use a thousand jestures, turning his eyes
this way, then that way, seeming alwayes as though
he would have presently begun to speake ; and at
last, fetching a deepe sigh, with a grunt like [a]
hogge, he let a beastly loude ****, and tould them
that the occasion of this calling of them together was
to no other ende, but that so noble a **** might
be honoured with so worthy a company as there
was. This in my mind was pretty foolery, but yet
the Foole of all Fooles is not yet found, that I
looke for.
The Foole of Hampshire.
AFTER this I tooke my jorney from Cornewall, and
came into Hampshire, where remayning in the
towne of Southampton, I heard of a certaine old
begger woman who upon a time came a begging
to a Dutchmans doore there dwelling, and seeing
a jacke an apes 1 there on the stal mumping and
moing at her, she, according to her wit, sayd : oh,
my pretty boy, quoth she, I prithee mocke me not ;
(i) See A C. Mery Talys, No 6.
Quest of Inquirie. 347
for I may be thy grandam by mine age : which
word a young man of the house overhearing, sayd
unto her : oh, mother, you mistake : for this is no
child you speake unto. No, is it not 1 quoth she ;
I pray what is it then ? Mary, sayd the fellow, it
is a jack an apes. A jack an apes ! quoth she ;
now, Jesus ! what these Fleminges can make for
money ! thinking verily it had been a thing made
by mens hand. This in my minde was a pretty
foolerie, but yet the Foole of all Fooles is not
heere found, that I looke for.
Tfie Foole of Barkshire.
TRAVELLING after this from Southampton, I tooke
my jorney into the country of Barkshire where, not
far from Reading, I heard tel of a certaine lewde
doctor of phisicke, that bore such affection to a
mealemans wife of the same countrey, that shee by
no meanes could be rid of him, whereupon she
certified her husband thereof. He in this manner
was revenged on him ; thus it hapned. Upon a
time this merry mealeman counterfeited himselfe
to be starke mad, and caused his wife to send
for this doctor with all speed ; who no sooner
received the message, as well to shewe his love
to the woman he affected, as to have reward of her
348 Jacke of D overs
husband, came with all speed to this counterfeit
patient; the newes of whose comming was no
sooner brought to the meale-man, who attended
his comming in his bed, but presently he made
such a show of madnesse, as if he had been
possessed with a thousand devils ; to whose pre
sence the doctor being brought, with many chearfull
words he comforted the meale-man, who stared in
his face, as if he would have torn him in peeces :
yet ceased not his friendes about him to yeeld the
doctor many thankes, beseeching him to regard
the manner of his fits, and to view the water he
made that morning, to which he willingly agreed :
for which purpose there was prepared in an urinall
the water of a mare great with fole, which the
doctor viewed and again revewed, having never
scene the like before, casting many doubtes of the
meale-mans recoverie, standing thus in a quandary,
as one driven to a non-plus ; which by the meale-
mans friendes being perceived, they drew him
secretly into another roome, earnestly desiring him
to shew his opinion of the disease, whether it
were dangerous or no. The doctor, being loath to
speake what he found, yet to satisfie their mindes,
he thus sayd : be it knowne, quoth he, that the
strangenes of the water sheweth a thing contrary
to nature : for by it I see he hath within his body
Quest of Inquirie. 349
some lyving forme, and a child it is in my opinion,
for which I am sorry, and desire you that be his
good friendes, to pray for him, that God may take
mercy on his soule. Hereupon the mealemans
wife being then present, and meaning with the rest
to follow still the jest, hearing of so strange a
report, cryed out against her husband, fayning a
desembling cry, and wishing herselfe never to have
been borne, rather then to live a poynting stocke
in the world : which speech being verie well de
livered, as one possessed with a divell, she in a
great rage flung away from the company, and
would not be intreated to returne againe. The
doctor, having heard so woefull a cry proceed
from the saint he so dearly loved, thought all had
bin faithfully ment, which was faynedly spoken ;
therefore, going secretly alone unto her where she
sate, and in briefe termes of wooing, promised her,
if she would grant to become his wife, he would
sodainely end her griefe by the death of her hus
band : therefore [quoth he] say amen to my sute,
and I will give him such a drinke as soone will
dispatch his life. The woman, not as yet meaning
to marre the pastime they intended, requested him
to stay for her answere till the morrow, and to
take a hard lodging in her house for that night, to
which the doctor most willingly agreed, and so,
3 5 o Jacke of D overs
after supper was ended, he was conducted to his
bedde, where he was no sooner warme, but the
mealeman, playing his mad pranks, entered the
chamber, breaking open the doore to the doctors
admiration ; who in a fearefull manner asked what
he wold have \ Villaine, quoth the mealeman,
be still, or die upon my knife ! The D. knowing
it was but follie to resist a mad man, most quietly
yeelded to his will; whereupon the mealeman,
binding him hand and foote, called in his friendes,
who came in disguised, and with burtchin rods so
belabored the doctor, as they left him no skinne
on his body. That done, they plundged him in a
tubbe of salt brine over head and eares, that he
forgot his love, and almost himselfe : so leaving
him to his rest till morning ; and then they brought
with them a surjion, who in the presence of them
all cut out his stones ; which being done, and the
wound drest, they caused him upon a mangle jade
to be horst, and so sent him away to seeke his
fortune. This in my mind was pretty foolerie, but
yet the Foole of all Fooles is not heere found, that
I look for.
The Foole of Essex.
AFTER this, I tooke my journey from Berkshire,
and came into Essex where, searching up and
Quest of Inquirie. 3 5 1
downe the countrey, I was tolde of a certaine
widow dwelling there that was evermore troubled
with foure importunate suters, namely : a lawyer,
a merchant, a souldier and a courtier ; every one
of them so earnest in their affections, that no nay
would serve turne : for the widow they must needes
have, whether she will or no. But she, bearing
more love to the courtier then to all the rest, she
like a wily wench rid them off in this manner.
To the lawyer she first comes, and secretly corn-
fortes him, saying, that above all others she had
chosen him for her husband, and none but he ;
but, quoth she, you know how I am troubled with
my other suters, and except we be secretly con-
vaide to church without their knowledge, surely
we shall by them be intercepted ; therefore to
morrow morning He have you tied up in a meale
sacke heere in my house, and by a porter (which
I will sende) shal be borne to Chelmsford, 1 where
I in mans apparel will stay your comming, and so
without any of their suspitions we will be maried
togeather ; which pollicie the lawyer so well lyked
of, that he was got readie in the sacke by three a
clocke the next morning. But now the widdow,
in the meane time, had told the merchant, that
shee would be his wife, and none but his, and that
(i) Old ed. has Chensford.
352 Jacke of D overs
hee the same morning should come like a porter,
and fetch her to church tyde up in a meale-sacke,
the which he was very diligent to doe ; and, attyred
thus in a porters apparell, he was set to carry the
lawyer in the sacke to Chelmsford instead of the
widdow. Who being both deceived and gone
forward on their journey, she sent the souldier
after them, (disguised like a singer) to belabour
their fooles coates soundly, with this condition,
that at his returne she would make him her
husband. This hope caused the souldier to be
as willing to performe her desire, as she to com
mand his labour. But now marke the jest ! Whilst
these three were sent like woodcocks to Chelms
ford, the courtier and she were maryed together at
Burntwood. Which in my minde was pretty foolery,
but yet the Foole of all Fooles is not heere found
that I looke for.
The Foole of London.
AT my first entrie into London, and making my
privy search there for this aforesayd foole, I was
told of a rich usurers sonne there dwelling, who
at his fathers discease was left owner of a very
sumptuous house, with great store of lands be
longing thereunto; which numerous young man,
Quest of Inquiric. 353
upon a time seeing one of his neighbours having
built his house in forme of a castle, with ditch and
rampires about it, he desired to have his made
of the like fashion. The which being no sooner
finished, but he saw another of his neighbors
have a faire set of apple trees in the forme of an
orchard, he desired to have the like, and caused
his aforesaid house to be plucked downe, and
planted in the place such a set of apple trees as
the other man had ; which being come to a good
groath, he caused them also to be rooted up,
saying, it were far better to have it a field of
cabages : and in the ende his sumptuous house
came to be a garden of cabages. Yet not sufnsed
with this, he, in an other humor, bought all the
geese in that country, supplanted his garden of
cabages, and made it a faire greene for these
creatures to graze upon; and [I,] being a friend
of his, asked wherefore he did so. He answered
that from geese came feathers, wherewith to make
boulsters and beds, and of them he had greater
neede then of cabages, or such like thinges, that
grow in gardens. This was pretty foolery, but
yet the Foole of all Fooles is not heere found,
that I looke for.
A A
354 Jacke of D overs Q nest of Inqu irlc.
The Fooles of Paules, or Fooles in General!.
WELL (quoth one of the jury), if we cannot finde
the foole we looke for amongst these fooles before
named, one of us will be the foole : for in my
minde, there cannot be a verier foole in the
world then is a poet : for poets have good wits,
but can not use them ; great store of money, but
can not keepe it ; and many friends, till they
lose them : therefore we thinke fit to have a
parliament of poets, 1 and to enact such lawes
and statutes, as may proove beneficial to the
commonweth of Jacke of D overs motly coated
fooles.
(i) "The Penniles Parliament of Threadbare Poets" is no doubt here
referred to. The earliest impression now known is that of 1608, reprinted
for the Percy Society as a sequel to Jack of Dover ; but there can be
little question that older editions once existed, and of these a copy or two
may lurk in some unsuspected corner. The probability seems to be that
the Parliament of Threadbare Poets was originally published in the
same year as Jack of Dover itself, that is to say, in 1600-1. Though
appended to Jack of Dover in the edition issued by the Percy Society,
it is quite a distinct piece ; and as it does not come within the category of
a story or jest book, and is not very entertaining, the present editor did
not think it worth publication.
ADDITIONAL NOTES AND ILLUSTRATIONS.
MERIE TALES OF SKELTON.
P. 3. How Skelton came late home to Oxford from Abington.
A somewhat similar incident to this occurs in a collection of stories
printed about 1620 under the title of " Pleasant Taunts, Merry Tales,
Moderne Jests, and Witty Jeeres." "An unhappy Boy, lying in the
streets, on a cold winter night, cryed : Fire, Fire : the people lookt out
of their windowes, and cryde, where, where ? Marry, quoth the Boy, I
would I knew myselfe, for I would gladly warme me."
P. 7. note 2. Patents and monopolies.
In the Comedy of A Knack To Know a Knave, 1594, the following
dialogue occurs among the "applauded merrimentes of the Wise Men
of Goteham" :
" King. How now, Perin, who have we here ?
Cobler. We, the townsmen of Goteham,
Hearing your Grace would come this way,
Did think it good for you to stay.
*****
And we are come to you alone
To deliver our petition.
King. What is it, Perin, I pray thee reade.
Perin. Nothing, but to have a license to brew strong ale thrise a week,
and he that conies to Goteham and will not spend a penie on a pot of
ale, if he be a drie, that he may fast.
King. Well, Sirs, we grant your petition."
P. 8. The Welshman saydc : ivryte dryncke, &c.
"One being desired to ask three things, which hee would have
graunted, hee askt, ist, as much ale as would serve him all his life ;
then what hee would have in the second place, as much tobacco as
would serve his life ; then, what in the third place, he stood still awhile :
the King prest him to speak quickly ; hee then said, more ale ! "
Ward's Diary, p. 95.
A A 2
56 Notes.
P. 10. Musket.
In the Merry Wives of Windsor, act iii. sc. 3, there is the following
passage :
"Mrs. Ford. How now, my eyas-musket ? what news with you ?
Robin. My master, Sir John, is come in at your back-door, and
requests your company.
Mrs. Page. You little Jack-a-Lent ! have you been true to us ? "
Here nnisket signifies " a young rogue," NOT "a young hawk," as some
of the modern editors explain it.
P. 14. It is merie in the hall, &*c.
As to the antiquity of this proverbial expression, see Mr. Chappells'
Popular Music of the Olden Time, new ed. 222-3, where it is traced
back to the beginning of the fourteenth century.
P. 19, Ka me, ka the.
So in Massinger's City Madam, 1658, act iv. sc. 2, Luke says :
'Argue that hereafter ;
In the mean time, Master Goldwire, you that made
Your ten-pound suppers ; kept your punks at livery
In Brentford, Staines, and Barnes and this, in London ;
Held correspondence with your fellow-cashiers,
Ka me, ka thee ! and knew, in your accompts,
To cheat my brother ; "
In Gifford's and Coleridge's editions of Massinger, Barnet is printed
instead of Barnes.
P. 20. Skelton saide, it is a great banner, &"c.
See Brand's Popular Antiquities, ed. 1849, i. 200.
P. 28. lyghted a sorte of little waxe candles.
In the Merry Wives of Windsor, act iv. sc. 4, Mrs. Page proposes
to dress up a certain number of little children as fairies, &c. for the pur
pose of playing a trick on Falstaff at Herne's Oak.
" Mrs. Page. That likewise have we thought upon, and thus :
Nan Page, my daughter, and my little son,
And three or four more of their growth we'll dress
Like urchins, ouphes, and fairies, green and white,
With rounds of waxen tapers on their heads"
Notes. 357
JESTS OF SCOGIN.
Introduction. Meredith Hanmer, in the Epistle dedicatory of his
translation of Eusebius, 1577, speaks of " the stories of King Arthur,
the monstrous fables of Garagantua, the Hundred Merry Tales, Skog-
gan, Fortunatus, with many other infortunate treatises."
See " A Brown Dozen of Drunkards (alias Drinkhards) whiptand shipt
to the Isle of Gulls, for their abusing Mr. Malt the bearded son, and
Barley-broth the brainlesse Daughter, of Sir John Barleycorn," 1648, 4.
As to Andrew Borde, see Reliquice Hearniance, 1857, p. 799, 822.
Henry Fitzgeffrey, in his Satyrs, first printed in 1617, enumerates the
Jests of Scoggin among the popular tracts which were current in his
day.
At the trial of Elizabeth Cellierfor libel, 1793. &c.
By an oversight, discovered only when the sheet had been printed
off, the date of 1793 was allowed to stand as that of the trial of Elizabeth
Cellier, which took place in 1680, 32 Car. II. In the Diary of the Rev.
John Ward, ed. Severn, p. 180, the name is printed Collier ; but in the
State-Trials, as edited by Cobbett, it stands Cellier. On the latter
work I place no reliance, and I have not met with any original account
of the proceedings.
The Prologue. "There is nothing beside the goodnesse of God, that
preserves health so much as honest mirth . . . as it doth plainly ap
pear in the Directions for health."
The passage, to which Borde refers, occurs in the Preface of his
Dietary of Helth, 1542, addressed to Thomas, Duke of Norfolk, and is
as follows : " For myrth is one of the chefest thynges of Physycke, the
which doth advertyse every man to be mery. and to be beware of pency-
fulnes."
P. 54. Casting of Water.
This old practice is ridiculed in a rather droll, but very coarse, story
related of Dr. Ratcliffe, the physician, in the Complete London Jester,
1763, ed. 1771, p. 26.
P. 56. What shift Scogin and his fellow made, when they lacked
money.
It seems not improbable, that the force of this jest may lie in the cir
cumstance that, in Lincolnshire (and the dictionaries intimate in other
parts of the country), a sheep of a certain age is called a hog. The
Notes.
precise age, again, is a matter on which there is a good deal of difference
of opinion, but Mr. Halliwell {Archaic Dictionary, voce HOG) thinks
that, when the term is used by early writers in this sense, a yearling is
always intended.
P. 64. Christ cross row letters
In Laugh and Be Fat, a collection of verses intended as " a Commen
tary upon the Oldcombian Banket," 1611, 4, one of the writers says :
" But saucie K, I see, will have a place,
When all the Crosse-row shall endure disgrace."
Here Crosse-row stands for the alphabet.
The French have a similar form of expression. Cotgrave {Diet. ed.
1650) explains la croix de par Dieu to be " the Christe-crosse-row. or,
the hornebooke wherein a child learnes it ! " Wynkyn de Worde printed
a tract under the title of Christe crosse mespede, A. B.C. A ly tell proper
Jeste.
See Johnson's New Book of New Conceits, 1630 (Halliwell's Lit. of
xvith tfw^xviith Centuries illustrated, p. 211).
P. 65. Opposition is here used of course in a different sense from that
in which the word occurs in Pepys' Diary, 6th ed. i. 6. "Opposition"
was employed by the Diarist to signify the declamations held at St.
Paul's School between the opponents and respondents. They are now
called appositions (see Editor's note).
P. 78. How the Priest was complained on, &c. and Note.
Stories of this kind, being generally founded on fact, are of course
very frequent. In his Fabliaux, adapted from Le Grand, Way has intro
duced the tale of the "Priest who had a Mother in spite of Himself."
Here a similar kind of incident is also brought to a comic termination.
See Way's Fabliaux, ed. 1796-1800, i. 49.
It seems to have been a common ground of complaint against the
Roman Catholic priesthood from the time of Scogin to the time of
Elizabeth, that they preferred unlawful, to lawful, unions. Gascoigne
does not overlook this point in the Steele Glas, 1576 :
" Not one of these (for twentie hundreth groats),
Wil teach the text, that byddes him take a wife,
And yet be combred with a concubine."
P. 109. Hee may goe pipe in an ivy leafc.
Here we have the modern phrase "to go and whistle" in its antient
dress. Chaucer, in the Knightis Tale, introduces it as follows :
"To speke of real lynage and riches,
Though that sche were a queen or a prynces,
Notes. 359
Ilk of yow bothe is worthy douteles
To wedde when tyme is ; but, natheles,
I speke as for my Suster Emelye,
For whan ye have this stryf and jelousye ;
Ye woot youreself sche may not wedde two
Att oones, though ye frighten ever nu :
That oon of yow, or be him loth or leef.
He may go pypen in an ivy leef."
And again in Troylus and Cresseide, the writer says :
" But, Troylus, thou mayst now, este or weste,
Pipe in an ivy leefe, if that the leste."
P. 113. For I will face him downe, that I am his godfather, &>c.
In Pepys' Diary, under date of nth April, 1661, there is the follow
ing :
" By and by, we come to two little girls keeping cowes, and I saw one
of them very pretty, so I had a mind to make her aske my blessing, and
telling her that I was her godfather, she asked me innocently whether I
was not Ned Warding, and I said that I was, so she kneeled down, and
very simply called, ' Pray, godfather, pray to God to bless me,' which
made us very merry, and I gave her twopence."
P. 117. Of him that thought Panics steeple had been so high, that
one might looke over it.
"Afterwards they proceeded, and came to S. Pauls Church, whose
steeple was so hie, that it seemed to pierce the clowdes, on the top
whereof, was a great and mighty weather-cocke, of cleane siluer, the
which notwithstanding seemed as small as a sparrow to mens eyes, i t
stood so exceeding high, the which goodly weathercocke was afterwards
stolne away by a cunning cripple, who found means one night to climb
vp to the top of the steeple, and tooke it downe. . . . " Pleasant
History of Thomas of Reading, by T. D., circa 1597, ed. Thorns, p. 41.
P. 1 19. How Scogin chalked out his wife the way to church.
The expression to chalk, which is here used in a literal sense, as it i
also in an imitation of the story to be found in the Pleasant Conceits of
Old Hobson, 1607, subsequently served, in a general way, merely to
signify to mark out. So in Northward Hoe, 1607, 4, act v. sc. i :
" Phil. No, as I'm virtuous, sir ; ask the two gentlemen.
Lever. No, in truth, sir. She told us that, inquiring at London
for you or your son, your man chalked out her way to Ware.
In the Tempest, act v. sc. i, this phrase is used in its later sense >
merely as equivalent to direct or guide :
Notes.
' ' Gonzalo. I have inly wept,
Or should have spoken ere this. Look down, you gods,
And on this couple drop a blessed crown :
For it is you that have chalk 'd 'forth the way
That brought us hither."
P. 124. The king said: thou must look him as well where he is not,
as where he is, &c.
" I have read that Attyla, king of Pamoria, slew eleven thousand
virgines at the siege of Colonia ; but a man might induce mee, without
a sermon pareneticall for exhortation, that hee might seeke bothe where
they were and were not, as Skoggin did the hare, and presse an army
royall of arrand honest women," &c. Melbancke's Philotimus, 1583
(see " British Bibliographer," iv. 446).
P. 127 How Scogin told the Frenchmen, &C.
One of the "Jests of the Man called Howleglas" was " How he wold
flye from the house-top." " Flying " from the tops of churches appears
to have been, long after Scogin's time, one of the expedients adopted by
strolling adventurers to replenish their pockets at the expense of lovers
of such novelties. Thus, in the Complete London Jester, 1763, ed. 1771,
p. 98, we find the following account :
"A Man who travell'd the Country, and got his Bread by flying upon
a Rope off the Tops of Steeples &c. applied once to a learned Bishop
for leave to fly from the Top of the Cathedral, and engaged some People
of Weight to speak in his Favour ; to whom his Lordship reply'd ; ' Tis
inconsistent with my Duty and the Nature of my Functions, to permit
any Man to fly from the Church ; but your Friend may fly to it if he
will.'"
P. 156. How divers Gentlemen of the Court came to Scogin's house
to make merry.
This story is apt to remind the reader of the invitation of Catullus to
his friend Fabullus, Lib. i, Ep. 13 :
" Coenabis bene, mi Fabulle, apud me
Paucis, si dii tibi favent, die bus ;
Si tecum attuleris bonam atque magnam
Ccenam, non sine Candida puella,
Et vino, et sale, et omnibus cachinnis.
Haec si, inquam, attuleris, Fabulle noster,
Coenabis bene : nam tui Catulli
Plenus sacculus est aranearum ;
Notes. 361
Sed, contra, accipies meros amores,
Seu quid suavius elegantiusve est :
Nam unguentum dabo, quod meae puellse
Donarunt Veneres Cupidinesque ;
Quod tu cum olfacies, deos rogabis,
Totum te faciant, Fabulle, nasum."
P. 160. Friends, said Scogin, when I came into this world, &c.
" Nudus ut in terrain veni, sic nudus abibo,
Quid frustra sudo, funera nuda vident?"
Thomce Mori et G. Lilii Progymnasmata (T. M.
Lucubrationes, 1563, p. 174).
SACKE-FULL OF NEWES.
Introduction, An edition of this volume, London, printed by H. B.
1683, 12, is in the Pepysian Library. It seems not unlikely that this book
is referred to in the following passage from Decker and Webster's play
of Westward Hoe, 1607, act v. scene 3 :
"Mabel. Your flesh and blood is very well recovered now, mouse.
Wafer. I know 't is ; the collier has a sack-frill of news to empty."
P. 176. And I will cause the matter to be judged by the next man.
that cometh* &c.
In the History of P"ryer Bacon there is a similar incident, though the
circumstances differ. See that work, ed. Thorns, p. 15. " Thou art a de
ceiver (said the gentleman) and gavest me money to cheat me of my soule,
for else why wilt thou be thy own judge ? let me have some other to judge
between us. Content, said the Devill ; take whom thou wilt. Then I
will have (said the gentleman) the next man that commeth this way.
Hereto the Devill agreed."
362
Notes.
TARLTON'S JESTS.
Introduction. I ought to have mentioned that several of " Tarlton's
Jests " are copied, for the most part without any variation, in Wits, Fits,
and Fancies, by Anthony Copley, of which the ist edition was in 1595,
4-
P. 201. Tarlton's answere to a noblemans question.
"One asked Tom of Chester what soldiers were like in the time of
peace. Indeed, said Tom, they are like chimnies in summer." History
of Tom of Chester, n. d. (repr. in Mr. Halli well's Palatine Anthology,
1850).
P. 211. There was a crack-rope boy.
Crack-rope is here and elsewhere employed to signify, not necessarily
in an offensive sense, urchin or rascal. "A young crack-rope" was
formerly equivalent to our "young rascal." So Webster, in A Cure
for a Cuckold, act iii. scene i, makes Compass say of a boy, who had
done him some useful service : "This was the honest crack-rope first
gave me tidings of my wife's fruitfulness."
P. 218. But ever after it was a by word thorow London : God a
mercy horse, &c.
Compare the following passage :
Idlenes. By my leaue, in spite of my teath ;
God a mercy horse !
This is that must needes be,
Quoth the good man, whenn he made his wyfe
Giue the basket."
Marriage of Wit and Wisdom, circa 1580 (Shaksp.
Soc. ed. p. 27).
And in the very popular ballad : Ragged, and torn, and true (Chap-
pell, 268), there are these lines :
" The ostler to maintain
Himself with money in 's purse,
Approves the proverb true,
And says : Grammercy, horse."
Hence probably originated the phrase of God-a-mercy penny, which
forms the burden of the Ballad entitled "There's nothing to be had
without Money." Another production in the ballad form called "A Fair
Portion for a fair maid," is directed to be sung to the fane of God a mercy
Penny.
Notes. 363
P. 229. How Tarlton saved his head from cutting off.
" His [Sir Thomas More's] house was at Chelsey, in Middlesex, where
S r John Danvers built his house. The chimney-piece of marble, in S r
John's chamber, was the chimney-piece of S r Thomas More's chamber,
as S r John himselfe told me. Where the gate is now, adorned with two
noble pyramids, there stood anciently a gate-house, w ch was flatt on the
top, leaded, from whence is a most pleasant prospect of the Thames and
the fields beyond : at this place the L d Chancellour More was wont to
recreate himselfe, and contemplate. It happened one time, that a Tom
of Bedlam came up to him, and had a mind to have thrown him from
the battlements, saying, 'Leap, Tom, leap.' The Chancellour was in
his gowne, and besides ancient, and not able to struggle with such a
strong fellowe. My L d had a little dog with him : sayd he, ' Let us
first throwe the dog downe, and see what sport that will be ; ' so the dog
was throwne over. 'This is very fine sport,' sayd my L d , 'fetch him
up, and try once more ;' while the madman was goeing downe, my L d
fastened the dore, and called for help, but ever after kept the door
shutt." Aubrey's Lives of Eminen t Men, 1813, ii. 462-3.
See also Copley's Wits, Fits, and Fancies, 1614, 4, p. 171.
P. 232. Whether a daw sit, &*c.
These verses were either appropriated by Tarlton, or were falsely
ascribed to him by the compiler of the Jests : for they may be found in
John Heywood's Epigrams, 1562, 4.
P. 253. Some one wrote the following epitaph, &*c.
This witticism is inserted, with a few variations, in Le Prince d Amour,
1660, p. 114. There the name of the author of the jest is not named ;
but it is merely said that "one, noting the epitaph, writ as followeth."
P. 253. O crucll death, &c.
Shakespeare seems to have had this story in his mind, when he wrote
the following passage in Love's Labour's Lost, 1598, act v. sc. 2 :
" Kath. Veal, quoth the Dutchman ; Is not veal a calf?
Long. A calf, fair lady ?
Kath. No, a fair lord calf.
Long. Let's part the word.
KatJi. No, I'll not be your half:
Take all, and wear it ; it may prove an ox.
Long. Look, how you butt yourself in these sharp mocks !
Will you give horns, chaste lady ? Do not so.
Kath. Then die a calf, before your horns do grow !"
364 Notes.
JESTS OF GEORGE PEELE.
P. 286. Ske-Sinon.
I entertain little doubt as to the correctness of this reading. Mr.
Halliwell, in his Dictionary of Archaic Words, has sinnowed, "gaily
ornamented," and sinnow, "a woman very finely dressed." In support
of the former signification, Mr. Halliwell cites a passage from Nash's
Pierce Penniles, 1592 ; but I am quite persuaded that Sinon, and not
sinnow, was the word written by the compiler of Peele's Jests : for
She-Sinon, i.e. a traitress, is perfectly intelligible and appropriate,
whereas She-sinnow (assuming Mr. Halliwell's definition, for which he
gives no authority, to be accurate) is utterly meaningless in the present
passage, where Peele's daughter, so far from being "a woman very
finely dressed," is supposed to be in great poverty, and to be running
about the street with dishevelled hair. Sinon is said to have been
related to Ulysses, and to have accompanied the latter to the siege of
Troy, which he was the means of betraying to his countrymen. A good
account of him may be seen in Dr. Smith's Dictionary of Classical
Biography, art. SINON. The expression traitress is now used more
commonly than otherwise in a playful sense. Since the above was
written, I have discovered that Mr. Dyce, in the revised edition of
Peele, royal 8vo. has also the reading She-Sinon, of which I was not
previously aware.
In Diella, &c. by R. L. 1596, sonnet xi. the lover says of his
mistress :
" She calls my love a Synon to her hart."
P. 293. And he was in a inanner an ingle to George.
Decker, in his Guls Horn Book, 1609, ed. Nott, p. 171-2, appears to
employ the word in its original and more offensive sense. "
Salute at parting no man but by the name of ' Sir ; ' as though you had
supped with knights ; albeit you had none in your company but your
perinado, or your inghle."
P. 294, note i. Brocke . . .
A curious exemplification of the undefined meaning and application of
this word, and of its wide range of meaning in writers long before the
Elizabethan age, occurs in the Freres Tale (Chaucer's Works, by Bell,
ii. 98), where the carter urges on his loitering horse with :
" Hayt, brok; hayt, scot "
The word is also used by Shakespeare as a term of contempt, and not
in its literal and strict sense, where Sir Toby Belch says to Malvolio :
" Marry, hang thee, brock'' (Twelfth Night, act ii. sc. 5.)
Notes. 365
P. 297. A Jest of George going to Oxford.
In a note on this feat of Peele's I have observed the discrepancy
between the account given in the Jests and the corresponding passage
in the P^lritan, 1607. I omitted to mention that, in the Merry Wives
of Windsor, act iv. sc. 5, Shakespeare has introduced an incident, which
seems to show that he had in his recollection at the time the story of
George Pyeboard. It is in the scene where Nym desires to ask the
Wise Woman of Brentford for her assistance in discovering who had
stolen Slender's chain.
" Sim. My master, Sir, Master Slender, sent to her ; seeing ,her go
through the streets, to know, Sir, whether one Nym, Sir, that beguiled
him of a chain, had the chain, or no.
Fal. I spoke with the old woman about it.
Sim. And what says she, I pray, Sir ?
Fal. Marry, she says, that the very same man, that beguiled Master
Slender of his chain, cozened him of it."
See Scot's Discovery of Witchcraft, 1584, ed. 1651, book 13, ch. 30.
P. 299. For George would ride to a Shelter, &*c.
In the time of our author (Peele), a certain familiarity with the occult
sciences was thought to be inseparable from the profession of a scholar.
It was an idea which had come down from mediaeval times, when Horace
and Virgil were better known as necromancers than as the literary
ornaments of the Augustan age. Shakespeare alludes to this union of
the scholar with the wizard in a passage in Much Ado about Nothing,
act ii. sc. i, where Benedict, speaking of Beatrice, says: " I
would to God some scholar would conjure her ; for, certainly, while she
is here, a man may live as quiet in hell, as in a sanctuary "
P. 309. HOIV mean you, hi ? q^toth shce, &c.
" Sir John Heydon and the Lady Gary had good witts, and lov'd to be
breaking of staves one upon another. Sir John comes in one day very
briske, in a payre of printed velvett breeches (which was then the
fashion), but some way defective, so as she had a flurt at them presently.
' Hold you' contented, good Madame/ sayes he ; ' for if it were not for
Printing and Painting, your face and my breech would soone be out of
fashion.' " Merry Passages and Jests, collected by Sir N. L'Estrange.
Thorns' Anecdotes and Traditions, p. 23-4.)
366 Notes.
JACK OF DOVER.
Introduction. A "Jack of Dover," in the vocabulary of the fisher
men, is, I believe, a term for a sole, the soles of Dover being celebrated.
Whether Chaucer, in the Prologue to the Cokes Tale, intends a sole,
when he speaks of a Jack of Dover, is, however, a question, which I am
content to leave to the new editor of Chaucer. But I may mention that
it has also been pointed out to me by Mr. F. S. Ellis, of King Street,
Covent Garden, the well-known bookseller, that a dover is still the cant
word among inn-keepers for a dish of any kind, which has been warmed
up a second time (Fr. rechauffe), and it appears to me likely enough
that the original phrase was Jack of Dover, the two former words, with
the liability to abbreviation common to all proverbial phrases, falling
gradually into disuse. Still, however, the application of the expression
to the present tract remains of rather doubtful propriety ; but, at the
same time, titles were given to old books and pamphlets on such ex
tremely slight grounds, that it is scarcely worth while, for the immediate
purpose, to pursue the inquiry farther.
Taylor the Water Poet, in his Jack-a-Lent, His Beginning and
Rntertainment, enumerates the various JACKS, who had preceded his
hero, and mentions, among the rest, Jack of Dover,
" Of Jacke an Apes I list not to endite,
Nor of Jack Daw my Gooses quill shall write,
Of Jack of Newbery I will not repeate,
Nor of Jacke of both sides, nor of Skip- Jacke create.
To praise the Turnspit Jacke my Muse is mum,
Nor of the entertainment of Jacke Drum
He not rehearse : nor of Jacke Dogge, Jacke Date,
Jacke Foole, or Jacke a Dandy, I relate :
Nor of Blacke Jacks at garth Buttry bars,
Whose liquor oftentimes breeds household wars :
Nor Jacke of Dover that Grand Jury Jacke,
Nor Jacke Sawce (the worst knaue amogst the pack)."
P. 330. The Foole of West Chester.
Probably the portion of Chester without the walls was formerly so de
signated. Mr. Collier, in a note to the play of John-a-Kent and
John-a-Cumber, by A. Munday (Shakesp. Soc. ed. p. 63), says that
the whole town was once known as West Chester ; but this, I think,
Notes. 367
is doubtful, more especially as Munday himself seems to 'make a dis
tinction between the two :
" We two, belyke, by your complotting wit
Shall grant the Earl of Chester in his Court,
And, spight of Chester 's strong inhabitants,
Thorow West Chester mekely in our handes."
John-a-Kent and John-a-Cumber, act i. sc. i.
In this passage West Chester evidently stands for the unfortified part
of the town.
P- 337- There -was in Winsor a certaine simple outlandish Doctor.
The compiler of "Jack of Dover," first printed perhaps before 1600,
had very probably in his mind some living celebrity, when he wrote the
present description, and it is by no means unlikely that Shakespeare was
indebted to the same source for the original of the Dr. Caius, who figures
in the Merry Wives of Windsor. There is not, I believe, the slightest
reason (except the identity of name) to suppose that the dramatist in
tended by the foolish French physician the eminent co-founder of Caius
and Gonville College, Cambridge, who died in 1573.
P. 340. The Fool of Shrcwsburie. " In Shrewsburie, there was of
late," &c.
In the igth Tale of the English Gesta Romanorum, p. 55, ed. Madden,
the third question put to Temecius by " Andronicus, the Emperoure," is,
"of what craft or of what myster beth moste men." To which Teme
cius replies: "Sir," quod he, "of leche-crafte." "How of leche-
crafte ?" quod the Emperoure. " For there is no man," seid the knyght,
"but that he is sumtyme seke, and sumtyme medlithe with medicynes."
P. 350. The Foole of Essex.
In the Merry Wives of Windsor, Ann Page makes separate appoint
ments to meet Master Slender and Dr. Caius at the same place on the
same day, and passes off on them two boys dressed up as women, while
she elopes with her real lover Fenton, and marries him.
THE END.
LONDON :
K. CLAY, SON, AND TAYLOR, PRINTERS,
BREAD STREET HILL.
Uniform with the present Volume, and forming Vol. I. c-i"
" Old English Jest-Books."
THE SHAKESPEARE JEST-BOOKS;
being reprints of the Early Jest-Books supposed to have
been used by Shakespeare, containing :
I. A Hundred Mery Tales, from the only known copy.
II. Mery Tales and Quicke Answeres, from the rare Editions
of 1530 & 1567.
Edited, with Introduction and Notes, by
W. CAREW HAZLITT.
Author of " The History of the Venetian Republic ; " Editor of the
Poems of Constable, Lovelace, &c.
Published by WILLIS & SOTHERAN.
BB
PR Hazlitt, William Carew
2953 (ed.)
W5H3 Shakespeare jest-books
v.2
PLEASE DO NOT REMOVE
CARDS OR SLIPS FROM THIS POCKET
UNIVERSITY OF TORONTO LIBRARY
