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THE  UNIVERSITY 

OF  ILLINOIS 

LIBRARY 

C 

If(buLa€.t 

v.^l 

C^'Z 

FiiESHnAn 

nUtlBER. 


"I'lii  \tii'n\  exira  if  inv  jioiiit  «;rts  rlcMMi  OK's — 
I  |»ay  a  forft-il  iCit  lail.s  to  earn  llirni  all" 

Every  l^noioUl 

earns  a  Bonus 

or  a  Penalty 

So  our  gradiKttv  jH'ii  inafnTs  <iriii<l 
all  points  <is  ixootl  as  their  best 

We  pay  a  bonus  to  our  graduate  pen  grinders  for  every  Duo- 
told  point.  But  first  it  must  pass  1 1  hard-boiled  inspections:  For 
jewel-like  smoothness,  for  lifelong  strength,  for  firm  uniform  set, 
for  comfortable  tension,  and  for  pressureless  writing  the  instant 
the  point  touches  paper.  If  it  fails  any  test  we  reject  it,  and  the 
pen  grinder  pays  a  forfeit. 

No  amount  of  money  can  buy  the  Duofold's  equal.  And  ma- 
chine-ground points,  of  course,  cannot  compare.  Go  and  try  this 
Bonus  point.  And  see  Parker  Duofold's  new  convertible  feature. 
Attaching  the  taper  makes  it  a  desk  pen.  Attaching  the  cap  with 
clip  transforms  it  to  a  pocket  pen.  Double-duty — like  2  Pens  for 
the  price  of  i  —  at  no  extra  charge. 

Parker  Duofold  Pens  are  guaranteed  for  life — their  Permanite 
barrels  non-breakable,  as  proved  when  dropped  from  cloud-high 
airplanes.  Yet  Permanite  has  all  the  beauty  of  costly  jade,  lac- 
quer, jet,  pearl,  and  lapis  lazuli.  And  Duofold  Pens  hold  ij.^'^/c 
more  ink  than  average,  size  for  size. 

New  streamlined  balanced  shapes  now  ready  at  all  dealers— and 
all  with  Bonus  pen  points  that  write  with  Pressureless  Touch.  By 
all  means  see  them,  and  the  streamlined  Pencils  to  match.  Don't 
buy  any  pen  without  first  trying  the  Parker  Duofold  Bonus  point. 

33%  More  Parkers  Used  in  College  Than  Any  Other  Pen 

In  a  nation-wide  poll  conduaed  among  their  readers  by  13  leading  voca- 
tional magazines,  and  audited  by  Arthur  Andersen  &  Co.,  certified  public 
accountants,  Parker  was  voted  the  favorite  pen  in  g  out  of  12  vocations, 
representing  94.72 '■  of  the  total  people  in  all  vocations  polled. 

Among  these  was  the  American  student  body,  and  the  vote  taken  represented 
a  cross-section  of  4,766,673  students.  Co//ege  H/imor's  census  showed  one-third 
more  Parkers  in  use  than  the  nearest  rival.  Sibnltnlic.  circulating  among  high 
school  students,  found  72 '/i  more  Parkers  than  the  next  nearest. 

This  fall,  if  you  want  to  get  a  flying  start  for  learning,  start  with  a  Parker — 
apparently  the  official  pen  of  America's  undergraduates. 


THE  PARKER  PEN  COMPANY,  Janesville,  Wis.  Offices  and  Subsidiaries:  Ne« 
cago,  Atlanta.  Buffalo.  Dallas,  Sail  Franciscn;  Torcrato,  Canada;  London,  England;  Berlii 


York,  Chi- 
I,  Germany. 


y3\K^NTEE/> 


Lik<>  2  Vi-nn 
for  Ili4'  l*ri4M'  of  Oii«^ 

i!^  ihis  Convi-rllMc  Duofold 

III  ^  our  Porki't  —  i)ii  ^  our  Desk 

The  Saint  I'eii  with  tlie  Same  Point 

—  tihcttys  yttitr  favorite 


Freshman  Number  '^^  ai\  ro'o,-i. 


Welcome  Freshmen 

To  all  you  new  men  and  women,  at  Illinois,  we  extend  a 
hearty  welcome.  May  your  days  here  be  pleasant  and 
profitable. 

We  invite  you  to  visit  The  Co-op  and  get  acquainted.  This 
great  college  store  carries  all  you  will  need  in  your  classes, 
at  lowest  prices. 

Buy  Here  With  Safety 

For  31  years  we  have  satisfied  Illini 


Text  books,  new  or  used,  stationery,  gym  and  athletic  supplies, 
fountain  pens,  electrical  supplies,  college  jewelry,  toiiet  articles, 
laundry  mailing  boxes,  architects  and  engineers  supplies,  botany, 
zoology  and  science  supplies. 

I-P  LEATHER  NOTE  BOOKS— BRIEF  CASES 

Fixings  for  Your  Room — Desk  Blotters,  Waste  Baskets,  Alarm  Clocks,  Desk 
Lamps,  Light  Bulbs,  Pennants,  Etc. 

Our  book  room  contains  the  best  of  fiction,  biography,  travel, 
art,  gift  books,  etc. 

THE  CO-OP 


807653 


The  SIREN 


Here*s  a  chap  right  in  the 
middle  oF  a  dilemma 


The  Irony  of  Date 

You  pledge  a  fraternity  because  you  think  it  is  the  way 
to  meet  all  the  good  femmes,  and  the  second  night  in  the 
house  you  get  rung  in  on  a  blind  date.  You  decide  to  go 
because  you  haven't  anything  to  do  anyhow,  ami  its  best  to 
keep  on  the  good  side  of  the  deah  brethren. 

Her  eyes  are  green  like  a  cat's  in  tlie  ilaik,  and  her 
nails  haven't  been  manicured  for  at  least  three  months.  Her 
clothes  are  of  the  1925  style,  and  so  is  she  for  that  matter. 
You  find  her  towering  two  inches  above  you,  ami  feel 
humiliateil  at  being  seen  with  such  an  animal. 

Then  you  mimic  making  love  to  her,  for  your  con- 
science's sake,  and  she  wants  to  scream.  She  refuses  you 
and  tells  you  that  she  doesn't  kiss  strange  boys. 

And  then  when  you  get  home,  you're  told  that  she  is 
captain  of  the  Goucher  hockey  team,  member  of  Upsky 
Fluey  Sorority,  president  of  the  student  council,  and  was 
elected  most  popular  girl  on  the  campus! 

— John  I lopk'ins  Black  and  Blue  Jay. 


The  stars  we  spy  on  Broadway, 

Expensive  are  to  see ; 
But  the  stars  on  high,  no  one  can  buy, 
Yet  one  can  see  them  free. 

— Neil'  York  University  Medley. 


Dated  up  for  a  keen  week-end,  everything  going 
great  and  then  he  missed  his  smart  Rosen's  sack  suit. 

F"oolish  he  admits,  leaving  such  a  "smooth"  new  suit 
within  grabbing  distance  of  a  roommate  with  taking 
ways. 

Too  bad — the  next  best  thing  to  owning  a  Rosen's 
suit,  is  to  own  two  or  of  course  try  to  borrow  one. 


Freshman :  Wonder  why  they  put  window  shades  on 
the  co-ed  dorms? 

Ex-Freshman:  To  keep  the  street  lights  from  shining  in 
the  girls'  eyes,  why  did  you  suppose?  — Pitt  Panther. 


—Smart  Suits 
—Clever,  Long  Topcoats 


^■p  ^^m  and  m 

Rosens 

I  V'Mens  Stylists 


"And  was  your  room-mate  inspired  by  his  conversation 
with  the  Dean?" 

"Yes,  he  was  fired  with  enthusiasm!" 

— Harvard  Lampoon. 


I  guess  I'll  join  the  captains  of  industry  or  finance, 
Or  lead  the  world's  great  movements. 
At  least  in  town  improvements. 


C.A.  M  Ff  S— 1  )0\V  NTOWN 


I'll  be  a  brilliant  artist 

A  Bach,  Millet,  del  Sartist, 

I  betcha  I'll  even  get  of?  pro. 


— Pelican. 


Freshman  Number 


It  took  something  more 
than  book  learning 
to  lick  this  cyclone 

A  cyclone  twists  its  destructive  way  through  the  West  .  .  .  telephone  lines  go  down  .  .  . 
communication  must  be  restored  .  .  .  page  Western  Electric!  CL There's  a  rear'kick"i*n 
meeting  and  heating  such  emergencies.  It  calls  for  scientific  manage- 
ment, of  course,  the  sort  of  knowledge  you  can  get  from  books  and 
training.  But  over  and  above  that  comes  the  sudden  demand  for 
resourcefulness,  man-sized  ability,  sheer  grit.  CLTo  supply  the  telephone  companies  of 
the  Bell  System  with  everything  needed  to  give  service,  Western 
Electric  carries  on  a  dependable,  nation-wide  system  of  distribution. 
A  vast  uudertakins: — vet  only  one  of  this  company's  varied  functions,      up  <>"  nauon-.imeof 


Western  Electric 

Manufacturers.    Purchasers     X^istributors 

SINCE     18U2     hul'    ^Jr      rUE     BELL    SYSTEM 


The  SIREN 


Published  monthly  by  the  Illini  Publishing  Company,  University  of  Illinois,  during  the  college  year. 
Entered  as  second-class  matter  at  the  Post-Office  at  Urbana,  Illinois,  by  act  of  Congress,  March  3,  1879. 
Office  of  publication,  Illini  Publishing  Company.  Subscription  price  $1.00  the  year.  Address  all  com- 
munications, Illinois  Union  Building.  Champaign,  Illinois.  Copyright,  1930,  by  The  Siren.  Exclusive  reprint 
rights   granted   to   G)llgcHUmOr  magazine. 


Contents 


COVER Lou  Ruskin 

Cartoon,  by  Penil  Mead 6 

Have  One  on  Me!,  by  A I  Niess 7 

So  This  Is  College,  by  Joyce  Neubill 10 

Jtinlor's    Krror 15 

1  luiiior Most   Everywhere 


Freshman  Number 


INKLINGS 

from 
Ye  Editor's  Pen 


FUTILITY  OF  A  FACULTY 

The  faculty!  Should  we  have  one, 
and  why? 

Every  year  at  this  time,  this  old 
question  comes  to  the  ears  of  the 
editors  of  campus  publications.  It  is 
an  old  question,  and  it  is  our  opinion 
that  it  should  be  answered  at  once, 
if  not  sooner. 

We  believe  that  this  University  is 
not  in  need  of  a  faculty.  The  stu- 
dents already  have  five  faculties — 
taste,  smell,  touch,  sight  and  hearing; 
and  for  the  sake  of  convenience  and 
economy  we  see  no  reason  to  support 
a  teaching  faculty.  It  is  one  of  the 
most  expensive  of  the  possible  six 
faculties,  and  gives  the  least  enjoy- 
ment. Tasting  this,  that,  or  maybe 
the  other  is  pleasant  to  the  male  stu- 
dents three  times  a  day;  and  to  our 
ladies  of  the  campus,  as  often  as  their 
escorts  care  to  provide  this  type  of 
entertainment  for  them  to  enjoy. 

Smelling  is  not  always  enjoyable  in 
the  chem  building  but  few  of  the 
leaders  of  our  University's  social  life 
will  deny  that  smelling  perfume  or 
powder  is,  indeed,  pleasing. 

Touch  is  a  minor  faculty,  but  it 
leads  us  into  few  difficulties.  On  the 
other  hand,  we  must  have  touched. 
An  attempt  to  do  away  with  it  would 
greatly  disrupt  our  every  day  life; 
doing  away  with  the  teaching  faculty 
would  tend  to  speed  up  our  drab 
routine  into  a  cycle  of  pleasure.  Sight 
and  hearing  can  also  be  considered  in 
the  same  manner  as  touch — with  the 
only  addition  of  pleasure  on  bright 
windy  days  due  to  the  sight  faculty. 

The  teaching  faculty,  we  find,  has 
few  good  points.  It  has  been  .said, 
by  some  self-asserted  authorities,  as 
being  the  reason  for  our  being  here, 
but  to  this  statement  we  must  take 
exception.  Football  and  other  sports 
bring  a  major  share  of  our  students. 
The  Stein  song,  with  the  help  of 
Rudy  Valee,  has  increased  the  enroll- 


ment of  the  University  of  Maine  by 
five  hundred  per  cent. 

We  therefore  think  that  before  the 
teaching  faculty  causes  us  great  dis- 
tress by  giving  out  examination 
questions,  that  the  students  of  the 
University  of  Illinois  should  decide 
definitely  whether  or  not  to  abolish 
the  faculty.  We  do  not  wish  you  to 
rush,  or  hurry  to  a  conclusion ;  rather 
we  would  have  you  talk  it  over 
among  yourselves,  your  parents,  and 
vour  professors. 

S 

NEXT  MONTH 

The  second  issue  of  this,  the  Illi- 
nois Siren,  will  be  a  Fraternity  num- 
ber. It  will  be  just  as  local  and 
typically  Illini  as  it  is  possible  to 
make  it.  Wc  do  not  intend  to  go 
"Neiv  Yorker"  or  ultra  modern  ns  so 
many  humor  magazines  have  done  re- 
cently. 

In  the  coming  number,  we  will  in- 
troduce for  the  first  time  two  new 
feature  pages.  A  Madame  X  page 
will  contain  all  of  the  dirt  on  campus 
characters  that  can  be  gathered.  To 
aid  in  the  collection,  plans  have  been 
made  for  an  elaborate  spy  system 
which  will  patrol  the  campus  day  and 
night.  Besides  its  collosal  structure, 
the  dean's  spy  .system  fades  into  in- 
significance. 

The  second  new  feature  will  be  a 
movie  page.  In  it  you  will  find  ad- 
vance dope  on  what  shows  to  see  and 
why.  Pictures  of  your  favorite 
screen  stars  will  be  printed  from 
time  to  time. 

S 

The  sofa  sagged  in  the  center; 
The  shades  were  pulled  just  so; 
The  family  had  retired 
The  parlor  light  burned  low. 
There   came   a   sound    from   the   sofa 
As  the  clock  \\'as  striking  two. 
And    the    student    slammed    her    text 

book. 
With      a       thankful,      "Well,      I'm 
through."  — Juggler. 


BE  INDEPENDENT 

Freshmen — you  whom  the  campus 
ever  welcomes  with  open  arms,  must 
be  cautious  of  the  advice  which  even 
your  best  friends  offer  to  you.  Always 
rely  upon  the  sound  and  conscientious 
efforts  made  for  your  welfare  by  the 
only  reliable  source  of  information  on 
the  campus — the  Siren. 

When  you  are  being  rushed,  you 
will  be  given  certain  cards  bearing 
the  rules  and  regulations  covering 
that  period.  Pay  no  attention  to  such 
restrictions  since  they  were  made 
merely  to  prevent  you  from  associat- 
ing with  those  whom  you  wish.  Re- 
member that  this  is  a  free  country. 

After  you  are  pledged,  as  you 
surely  will  be,  disregard  the  brethrens 
orders  to  wear  the  traditional  green 
spot,  whenever  j'ou  are  out  of  the 
house,  and  use  your  own  judgment, 
wearing  it  only  when  you  please. 
Everyone  admires  a  man  who  is  in- 
dependent. 

Registration  is  governed  by  a  num- 
ber of  foolish  and  absurd  laws  which 
you  must  learn  to  overlook.  Joke  and 
chat  with  the  clerks  as  they  are  al- 
ways appreciative  of  something  fresh 
and  lively.  It  relieves  the  customary 
monotony. 

Your  instructni'  will,  from  force  of 
habit,  give  a  lecture  at  the  first  meet- 
ing of  the  class  on  what  to  do  and 
what  not  to  do.  He  does  not  mean 
a  word  of  it,  and  only  gives  it  to  save 
himself  the  trouble  of  having  to  pre- 
pare something  in  advance  to  tell 
you. 

So  it  is  in  clubs  and  organizations 
and  other  places  about  the  Univer- 
sity. Laws  were  made  to  be  broken, 
and  it  is  only  those  who  have  the 
courage  to  do  as  they  please  who  will 
enjoy  life  to  the  fullest.  As  a  last 
word  of  coimsel,  keep  your  copy  of 
this  publication  at  hand  where  you 
can  easily  refer  to  it  when  you  want 
the  very  best  advice  that  can  be  given 
on  all  phases  of  college  life. 


The  SIREN 


'IS  SOMETHING  WRONG,  JEEVES?" 


Freshman  Number 


have  one  on  me ! 


Perpetrated  by 
AL  NIESS 


The  art  of  drinking  is,  without 
doubt,  the  oldest  organized  art  in 
existence.  It  all  started  the  day  that 
Noah  and  the  rest  of  the  boys  were 
whooping  it  up  on  the  Nile.  Jonah's 
Delicatessen  was  floating  in  beer 
when  in  walked  Mrs.  Noah. 

"Noah!  Come  here,  I'll  have  noah 
more  of  this,"  said  this  half  of  the 
domestic  problem.  "Where  did  you 
get  that  stuff?" 

The  janitor  mopped  up  the  floor, 
and  picked  up  Noah's  beard  from  out 
the  gaboon.  and  took  it  home  to  dis- 
till it. 

Noah  parked  the  ark  in  front  of 
his  bungalow  and  staggered  after  his 
wife.  The  first  step  was  high,  Noah 
fell,  and  not  being  able  to  make  the 
grade,  he  whispered,  "I'll  climb  this 
wall  if  it  takes  all  night." 

The  boys  will  never  forget  Noah's 
lark  and  the  flood  that  came  after. 

»  *  #  *   * 

Even  Mark  Anthony  fell  a  victim 
to  the  vice  of  drink.  He  and  Julius 
Caesar  and  Ettu  Brutey  went  on  a 
bender  one  night.  Mark  broke  up 
the  party  by  sneaking  off  to  Cleop- 
atra's early  in  the  A.  M.  Pounding 
on  the  door  he  shouted,  "Have  one 
on  me,  Cleo,  I  can't  make  a  speech." 

She  let  him  in,  sniffed  his  breath 
and  said,  "What  is  it?" 

"  's  wine,"  said  Mark.  CIco 
slapped  his  face,  she  could  bear  it  no 
longer. 

"Come,  beer  with  me,"  hicced 
Mark.  "I'll  whiskey  away  with  me, 
for  ale  in  ale.  I'm  not  such  a  rummy 
guy  as  you  think  I  am."  Decantered 
over  to  Egypt  for  the  honeymoon,  for 
Mark  loved  her  then,  and  I'm  sure 
he  loves  her  still. 


Napoleon  Bonaporte  was  another 
lad  that  went  wrong.  After  pledg- 
ing Sig  Pi  he  went  out  for  R.  O. 
T.  C.  and  women.  He  was  a 
terrible  guy  until  he  met  Lou.     She 


showed  him  the  straight  and  narrow- 
path,  so  he  joined  the  Anti-Saloon 
League,  and  broke  his  pledge  to  Sig 
Pi.  He  worked  for  the  city,  driving 
the  water  wagon,  and  started  the 
slogan,  "Have  a  glass  of  water  on 
me?"  He  called  his  girl  "Water- 
Lou"  and  that  my  dear  children  is 
how  that  started.  The  day  that 
Napoleon  met  his  Water-Lou  is  a 
red  letter  day  in  the  history  of  Vol- 
steadism. 


»  *  »  *  » 


And  then  there  was  Marie  Antoin- 
ette, a  Kappa,  who  installed  the  idea 
of  a  nightcap.  Three  carousals  later, 
she  invented  the  guillotine  as  a  prac- 


We  Want  Dirt!!! 

About  every  student  on  the 
campus,  broadwalk  or  what 
have  you — 


Madame  X  Will  Give 

Two  tickets  to  the  Virginia 
Theatre  for  the  best  contribu- 
tion. The  results  will  appear 
in  the  next  number  of  The 
Siren. 


Drop  contributions  in  the  Siren 
box,  under  the  west  stairs,  in 
the  basement  of  Uni  Hall,  or 
place  them  in  the  box  at  the 
Siren    office. 


tical  joke  for  rum-runners.  Nothing 
gave  her  more  pleasure  than  to  stand 
beside  her  pet  guillotine  and  as  she 
pulled   the  rip-cord,  murmur,  "pardon 


mt-,  ni.i\  I  cut?"  While  the  courtiers 
answered  in  chorus,  "Hell  no,  drink 
it  straight."  And  as  the  gory  head 
of  a  loyal  subject  bounced  on  her 
chest  she  shouted  with  glee  "Ah  ha, 
that's  one  on  me!" 


Skipping  down  the  pages  of  history 
we  come  to  Hans  Drinker  of  Hol- 
land, the  heroic  lad  who  plugged  his 
finger  in  the  dam  to  save  Der  Vater- 
land.  All  night,  for  three  weeks,  he 
stood  thus,  plugging  away  at  the 
dam  thing,  dying  of  thirst.  At  last 
he  gave  way,  his  finger  slipped,  and 
the  water  came  through.  The  jet  of 
ocean,  spurting  through  the  hole 
gave  Hans  the  idea  of  a  spigit  and 
the  trusty  kegs  of  today  owe  their 
popularity  to  him.  Smiling,  the  boy 
fell  dead. 


Coming  into  tlie  realm  of  niodcni- 
ism  we  find  a  scientist  beneath  tlic 
smooth  e.xpanse  of  mahogany. 
"What'll  it  be,  sir?" 

"Ein  stein  beer,"  quoth  he,  in  re- 
sponse while  the  bar  flies  took  up  tlie 
tenor  parts.  "Yeah,  Einstein,  yeah 
Einstein."    And  that  explains  that. 

And  wasn't  it  Paderooske  who 
said,  "S"-.''!  up  to  the  Steinwav,  fel- 
lows, and  liave  one  on  me?"  (^r  Sir 
( Jallahad  who  went  in  search  of  the 
Holy  (Jrail  when  the  count  ran  out 
of  mugs?  (^r  Romeo  who  said?" 
I  don't  like  this  new  moon,  Juliet, 
methinks  it  smacks  of  yeast." 

Teachers  decline  the  word  as 
drink,  drank,  been  drinking  again 
I.ooie?  Farmers  drive  their  cattle  to 
think.  The  Chinese  thought  of  jin- 
rickeys.  The  congregation  sings, 
"(lather  by  the  river,"  after  a  raid  in 
Chicago.  The  Deke's  admonish 
their  pledges,  "Be  careful  little  boys 
or  goblets  will  get  you  if  j'ou  don't 
watch  out."  Who  thought  of  the 
"Stein  Song"  anyhow?  Pause  and 
refresh  yourself.  Come  over  some 
time  and  have  one  on  me ! 


'%. 


The  SIREN 


He:      "I    understand    that    the    Rialto    is    going   to   sue 
Pepsodent. 

It:    "Why?" 

Him:     "For  trying  to  reniose  the  fihii." 


Traveling  Salesman  Joke  No.  2365 

Once  there  was  a  traveling  salesman — er  .  .  .  stop  me  if 
you've  heard  this  one  before.  Anyway,  it  was  getting  dark 
and  he  stopped  at  the  nearest  farm  house  to  see  if  he  could 
get  a  place  to  sleep  for  the  night.  He  asked  the  farmer  the 
customary  question  and  the  farmer,  who  had  never  heard 
a  traveling  salesman  joke  in  his  life,  replied : 

"Well  sir,  we  haven't  any  extry  beds  here,  but  if  you 
think  you  can  manage  to  sleep  with  my  darter  for  a  night, 
's  all  right  with  me." 

Well,  when  he  saw  the  farmer's  daughter,  his  heart  was 
jumping  up  and  down  like. 

"I  thank  you  so  much,  sir,"  he  said,  "but  all  my  life  I've 
been  used  to  sleeping  alone,  so  I'll  just  rvui  o\er  to  one  of 
your  neighbors  and  see  what  he  can  do  for  me." 


Sorority  Pledges,  Please  Note 

High  school  romances  make  the  most  interesting  ma- 
terial for  themes. 

Pop\iIarity  in  the  classroom  is  immediately  gained  by 
liating  your  men  instructors. 

Have  lots  of  private  conferences  with  instructors  and 
don't  forget  to  call  them  by  their  first  names.  It  gives  a 
friendly  feeling  to  the  atmosphere. 

Remember  to  put  the  romance  in  a  romance  language! 


Code  of  Feminine  Popularity 

'Tis  not  the  dates  that  count, 

Rut  the  grades  that  mount 

High  above  the  average  three. 

Which    you    gain    by — what    kind    of   sprees; 


A  Figam  ivas  taking  his  Sigma  Kappa  home  in  n  car 
(rented).  Says  he,  "How  far  down  Nevada  Street  do  you 
live?" 

"IVho  eares?" 

Hell  I  just  wanted  to  knoiv  hoiv  far  I  could  go  ivith 
you." 


Such  Patriotism! 

The  meanest  man  in  the  world  is  the  man  in  the  canoe 
who  plays  "Star  Spangled  Banner"  on  his  uke  in  the  midst 
of  a  crowd  of  nude,  terrified,  ducking  girls. 

S 

The  Heighth  of  Egotism 

A  flea  and  an  elephant  walked  side  by  side  over  a  little 
bridge.  Said  the  flea  to  the  elephant,  after  they  had  crossed 
it?  "Bov,  we  sure  did  shake  that  thing!" 


"Aha."  said  the  dejected  rushing  chairman,  as  he  (hccked 
up  on  the  brothers  lying  in  every  corner.  "A  full  house  at 
last." 


The  five  point  man  is  rather  queer 
He  has  no  time  to  guzzle  beer. 
And  if  he  had  the  time,  I'll  bet 
He'd  hate  to  get  his  whiskers  wet! 


Prof.:     Some  acids  are  much  stronger  than  others,  I'll 
take  carbolic  acid  as  an  example. 
Class :    Whoopee ! 


Frightened  feminine  tourist  (in  the  midst  of  a  flaming 
forest):    "Oh.  sir,  isn't  this  a  forest  fire?" 

Begrimed  forest  ranger:  "Hell,  no!  Lady!  That's  a 
Ladies'  Aid  Society  up  the  road  fumigating  holler  trees  for 
the  jvinter  homes  of  ivild  bees!" 


Freshman  Number 


Freshman — Beware ! 

\Vhen  Brother  Davis  tells  you  that  you  can  get  Band 
Concert  and  Organ  Recital  Tickets  at  the  Union,  don't 
believe  him — they  are  sold  in  the  basement  of  Uni  Hall 
only. 

Wiien  the  Dean  tells  you  that  you  are  overcut,  don't 
believe  him — the  Siren  staff  has  complete  charge  of  that 
little  matter,  and  for  a  few  pennies  will  see  that  you  are 
reinstated  in  your  class. 

When  your  roommate  says  he  has  a  peach  of  a  date  for 
you,  don't  believe  him — we  will  undertake  to  investigate  the 
matter,  and  if  he  has  made  a  mistake  you  can  take  the 
date;  if  he  wasn't  lying  to  you  for  a  change,  we  will  give 
the  date  a  break  and  take  her  out  ourself. 

Don't  be  bothered  by  the  No-Car  rule — nobody  down 
here  pays  any  attention  to  it;  and  if  your  Dad  will  give 
you  the  car,  bring  it  down,  and  your  popularity  will  grow 
overnight — just  wait  and  see  how  popular  you  will  be  at 
the  Dean's  office. 


Bank  Robber  ( to  his  whispering  buddy,  as  he  blows  the 
vault  with  t.  n.  t. ):  "Shut  up!  Yuh  fool!  Do  yuh  want 
somebuddy  to  know  we're  here?" 


Oh,  Tom  Thumb ! 

In   Manhattan  night  clubs   now  they're  serving  minia- 
ture golf  courses  instead  of  salads. 


With  the  A  K  L's 

The  frosh  was  haided  up  before  the  viligance  commit- 
tee. The  high  and  mighty  presiding  chapter  officer 
thundered  at  the  boy,  "In  spite  of  the  fact  that  our  ducking 
pond  overflowed  into  the  basement,  when  you  freshmen 
dumped  brother  "fatty"  Johnson  in  it,  you  didn't  have  to 
swear." 

Replied  the  trembling  frosh,  "Buttttt  I  didn't  swear. 
All  I  said  was  'dam  it!'  " 

S 


Poor  Bird 

The  dodo  bird  is  quite  extinct. 
In  one  way  he  was  lucky 
To  pass  away  before  the  day 
These  rhymes  of  mine  grew  mucky. 


"MV   CiOSH,  MAMIE,   ANU   HIS   FANTS 
AINT  EVEN  PRESSED!" 


These  Brilliant  Ag  Students! 

First  Ag  Stude:  "What  part  of  a  cow  do  the  chops 
come  from?" 

Second  Ag  Stude:    "Don't  you  know?" 

First:     "Do  you?" 

Second:  "Haven't  you  ever  heard  of  a  cow  licking  its 
chops?" 


10 


The  SIREN 


"/  was  a  Pi  Pi  Delta  at  dear  Boodoop- 


^ 


So  This  Is  College 


by  Joyce  New^bill 

Illustrated  by  Dorothy  Pelzer 


Time:     During  summer  vacation. 

Stage  directions:  The  scene  is  laid  on  front  porch  of 
girl's  house.  A  college-boy-worlcing-way-through-school 
comes  to  door  on  a  house  to  house  canvass.  College-girl- 
spending-summer-at-home  is  seated  on  porch  reading  iUicit 
love  stories  in  college  magazines. 

C.  B.  W.  W.  T.  S.:  (Tries  to  ring  doorhell,  but  it 
doesn't  work!")  "Hey!  What  th'  Hell's  the  matter  with 
this  d — n  thing?" 

C.  Ci.  S.  S.  A.  H.:  (opening  door  solicitously)  "How 
shouhl  I  know!  But  since  mother  isn't  home,  won't  you 
stop  in  anyway?" 

College   boy:    (shiuidering,   with   one    eye     on    pitcher) 


"What  I  wouldn't  give  for  a  shot  of  something!  Gad!  I 
need  it!  " 

College  girl:  (speculatively)  "Help  yerself,  then,  kiddo, 
they're  cocktails!     Mi.wd  'em  myself!" 

C.  Boy:  (with  admiration)  "Cocktails!  Jeeze,  you 
niusta  went  to  collidge!" 

C.  Girl:  (proudly)  "Sure  I  did !  I  was  a  Pi  Pi  Delta 
from  dear  old  Boodoop — that's  in  th'  east,  don'tcher  know!" 
(looking  at  pin  he's  wearing)  "Migawd,  mister,  so  you're 
an  Alpha  Psi — and  I  let  you  speak  to  me!"  (registers 
horror). 

C.  Boy:     "And  proud  of  it  too!" 

C.  Girl:  (with  incredulity)  "You  are!" 


Freshman  Number 


C.  Boy:  (boastfully)  "Sure  thing.  I  went  to  Pronto — 
'way  out  in  Calerfornyer — one  of  our  best  chapters  too!" 

C.  Girl:  (eagerly)  "Oh,  you  don't  hapipen  to  ktiow  Bob 
Emery  there  do  you?" 

C.  Boy:  (  (joyously)  "Emery!  Do  I  know  Bob  Emery!! 
(patronizingly)  Well,  my  dear  girl — he  was  on/y  my  room- 
mate this  year,  (continues  reminiscently)  "And  didn't  I  get 
things  smoothed  out  for  him  when  he  got  bungled  up  with 
a  flock  of  femmes  out  there!" 

C.  Girl:  (cooly)  "I  imagined  as  much!  Y'  see  I  used 
to  wear  his  pin  when  he  went  to  Boodoop.  (sighs)  We 
were  sort  of  engaged  at  one  time.  But  you  know  how 
"frat"  pin  engagements  turn  out.  Easy  come,  easy  go, 
mostly!" 

C.  Boy:  (sympatheticalh)  "I  know!  I  have  a  pin  on  a 
Pi  Chi,  and  (chuckles  to  self)  "So  you're  the  gal  Bob  left 
behind  him  !  The  one  he  still  keeps  dreaming  about !  ( con- 
fidentially) D'  y'  know — he  never  tiid  get  over  you — 
wouldn't  even  look  at  another  dame!" 

C.  Girl:  "Aw  y'  can't  kid  a  college  goil.  Y'  just  said 
there  was  a  whole  gang  of  bims  after  him!  (wistfully) 
Still,  I'd  sure  like  to  see  him  again!" 

C.  Boy:  (with  an  intense  look)  "Luck  is  with  you,  kid. 
You  boy-friend's  exactly  six  blocks  away  canvassing  for  the 
"Does  It"  Drug  Co. — same  as  I  am!  Hop  in  my  fliv,  and 
we'll  run  right  over!" 

C.  Girl:   (delightfully)   "Oke!" 

C.  Boy:  (drives  to  outskirts  of  town  and  stops  car  sud- 
denly). 

C.  Girl:  (cooly)  "Well,  Don  Juan,  where's  tli'  boy 
friend  ?" 

C.  Boy:  (changing  subject)  "How  about  a  little 
smacker,  huh?" 

C.  Girl:  (getting  down  to  business)  "Say!  What's  your 
game,  anyway?" 

C.  Boy:  (dryly)  "I  should  think  you'd  know  by  now, 
considering  the  fact  you've  went  ta  collidge!" 

C.  Girl:  (angrily)  "Lcmme  out  then!  I'll  walk  back 
I  spose!"  (gets  out). 

C.  Boy:  (drearily)  "Oh  very  well,  Priscilla — only  re- 
member one  lil'  thing  .  .  . 

C.  Girl:  (beginning  to  laugh)  "This  is  really  very 
funny,  very  funny!  (on  second  thought)  Hey — bozo — 
lemme  in  again — I've  got  a  brain  cheeild !" 

C.  Boy:  "Huh?  You  back  again!  Well,  if  it  isn't  little 
Pollyanna,  the  glad  goil  in  person^all  set  to  cheer  up  the 
broken  hearts  of  the  poor  abused  collidge  guys!  (with 
grandiose  gesture)  "Fellers — meet  my  gal,  Polly!" 

C.  Girl:  (who  has  had  French  lessons  over  the  radio) 
"Fermez  your  bouche!     Start  driving — we're  going  places!" 

C.  Boy:   (bromidically)   "And  do  things?" 

C.  Girl:  (gives  brisk  little  laugh)  "You  tell  'em  Cas- 
onova!  Only  drive  home  first — I  gotta  get  my  compact, 
(looking  critically  at  self  in  windshield)  Ye  gawds! 
can'tcha  just  see  your  reflection  in  my  smeller?" 

C.  Boy:  (philosophically)  "Just  like  a  co-ed!  Give  'em 
a  powder  puff,  and  they're  all  dressed  up  and  ready  y'  go!" 


C.  Girl:  (with  lady  like  distaste  for  vulgarity) 
"Humphth !" 

C.  Boy:  "Whazzit?"  (car  drives  up  to  curb  in  front  of 
house). 

C.  Girl:  (smugly)  "Oh  here  we  are  again!  Wait  a 
second,  and  '11 -be  right  out!" 

C.  Boy:  (jovially)  "You  bet  I'll  wait!" 

C.  Girl:  (mutters  hurriedly  under  breath)  "But  you'll 
be  on  your  way  directly!" 

C.  Boy  (speculatively)   "Whazzit?" 

C.  Girl:  (reassuringly)  "Oh  nothing!"  (leaves  door 
open  and  goes  inside.  Returns  leading  ferocious  police  dog 
on  leash.     Waves  hand  at  fellow  sadly). 

C.  Girl:    "Goodbye!" 

C.  Boy:   (resentfully)  "Say!  Whazza  huge  idear — cripe 


"Sometimes   I   think    I'lii   eiiiia^ed,  and   then   a^ain   at    other 
s,    I    commence   to  douht   it!" 


sakes  take  the  dorg  awai,'  and   c'mon!"     (girl   loosens   leash 
and  sets  dog  loose.     Waves  hand  emphatically  this  tiniL'). 

C.  (^irl:  (dramatically)  "Goodbye!  Goodbye — for- 
ever!" 

Police  dog:  "GRRRRRRRRRR  !!!!!"  (meaning  "Step 
lively,  palooka!"" ) 

College  boy:  (with  disgust)  "That"s  just  whatcher  meet 
up  with  when  these  femmes  go  t'  collidge  and  get  durnfool 
ideas  in  their  heads!  (muses)  wonder  what  I'd  be  like  if 
I'd  a  went!"' 

College  Girl:  (still  peering  in  distance,  apparently  \\'ell 
pleased  with  herself)  "He  wasn't  so  bad,  really!  In  fact, 
the  only  thing  Eve  got  against  him  is  that  collegiate  stuff 
he  pulled.  I  bet  he  never  guessed  all  I  know  about  collidge 
I  read  in  the  joke  mags,  (smiles  knowingly)  And  there 
ain't  no  such  guy  as  Bob  Emery!  I  just  made  him  up! 
That's  sure  a  hot  one  on  him,  all  right!!"  (laughs  heartily 
at  her  own  cleverness). 

(Curtain) 


12 


The  SIREN 


•WATCH  THIS,  SPOT!' 


Check  and  Double  Clieck 

He  phoned  his  sweet  hoop  a  doop 
long  distance.  Five  minutes  later; 
"Deposit  one  dollar  please." 

He  talked  some  more. 

"Deposit  another  dollar  please." 

No  answer. 

"Deposit  another  dollar  please." 

"For  goodness  sake,  how  can  I? 
"The  thing's  clogged  up  with  my  last 
check." 


Studying  was   his  only  brain   eel 
agitator,  yet  he  had  Athlete's  foot!' 


Ilii/i:  "I  hear  that  the  Moore's 
aren't  very  happily  married." 

Her:  "Ye;  she  uvis  one  of  these 
pararhute  jumpers  and  she  just  ean't 
settle  doivn." 


Him:  "My  girl  is  marvelous! 
She's  wonderful !  Say,  have  you  ever 
met  a  girl  who  would  actually  refuse 
a  fraternity  pin?" 

Them:     "No." 

He:     "Neither  have  I." 


/  ea/l  my  sweetie — 

"Lueky."    When    tempted;    reach 
for  a  Lucky  instead. 

"  Invectus.'     She's    master    of    my 
fate. 

"Sweetie."    She  is  just  that. 


HIGH  BROW 

He:  "You  have  a  sophistication 
that  is  lacking  in  so  many  girls.  You 
appreciate  the  more  cultivated  pas- 
times." 

She:  "Yes,  I  do  like  unusual 
things.  My  tastes  run  to  operas,  fur 
wraps,  travel.  I  feel  that  in  higher 
literature  I   find  sympathetic  ideas." 

He:  "You  are  not  at  all  plebian. 
You  are  an  ideal  companion  and  in- 
tellectual stimulant  for  a  man  of  my 

type." 

She:  "Yes,  it's  rather  refreshing 
to  find  one  who  savors  life  as  I  do. 
You  are  the  compliment  to  my  sense 
of  the  esthetic." 

He:  "I'm  sure  that  we  shall  get 
along  well.  Get  your  hat.  Let's 
take  in  a  movie." 


As  the  garage  man  said  as  he  re- 
paired the  muffler,  "This  is  so  ex- 
hausting." 


" — and  after  hreakini/  out  of  jail 
again,  he  ran  amuck  throuyh  the 
toiun." 

"Yes,  it's  funny  hoiv  these  gangs- 
ters all  have  foreign  cars." 


The  freshman,  whose  father  told 
him  to  stop  his  foolishness  and  bear 
down,  replied,  "I  can't,  Fm  not  a 
duck." 


TiHE  FRESHMAN 

With  a  smile  on  his  face  and  a 
gold  pledge  pin  on  his  manly  bosom, 
the  Freshman  tripped,  that  is  to  say, 
stepped  lightly  down  the  dirt  em- 
bankment. It  was  dark  as  blazes  and 
as  he  entered  the  park,  hoot  owls  in 
the  trees  above  him,  announced  that 
the  hour  was  long  past  midnight.  He 
walked  with  confidence  in  his  heart. 
Who  was  to  be  afraid  ?  Was  he  not 
a  pledge  of  dear  old  Abadaba? 

Without  warning,  a  figure  sprang 
on  him  from  in  back.  Powerful  arms 
pinioned  his  own.  Other  figures 
sprang  from  behind  trees — they  ap- 
peared like  magic,  as  though  Alladin 
had  rubbed  his  lamp.  The  Freshman 
let  out  a  shriek  of  terror  which  was 
quickly  snuffed  by  a  gag.  He  was 
bound  hands  and  foot.  Ten  hooded 
figures  gathered  about  him  as  he  al- 
most fainted  from  fright.  One  of 
them,  evidentally  the  leader,  spoke, 
"Tonight,  Pledge  Jones,  marks  the 
start  of  a  life  in  agony  and  torture 
for  one  week.  Prepare  for  the 
worst." 

His  clothes  were  ripped  from  him. 
He  was  hoisted  to  the  shoulders  of 
two  of  the  band  and  carried  to  the 
edge  of  a  nearby  pool.  The  icy 
waters  splashed  and  rippled  a  hun- 
dred feet  beneath  him.  A  stinging 
wind  took  his  breath  away.  He  was 
held  by  feet  and  hands,  hammock 
style,  on  the  edge  of  the  precipice. 
Slowly  his  captors  swung  him  out 
over  the  inky  space. 

"One."  He  returned  back  over 
the  edge,  completing  a  swing.  His 
body  gained  momentum  as  he  came 
down  for  another. 

"Two."  The  Freshman  writhed 
in  agony.  Sweat  poured  from  his 
forehead  in  spite  of  the  cold.  Brutes; 
this  was  murder,  not  initiation.  They 
would  hang  for  this — they  would. 
He  swung  out  over  the  edge  again. 
The  lapping  waters  seemed  to  call  to 
him — invite  him.  Presently  they 
would  close  over  him  and  press  the 
life  from  his  shivering,  young  body. 

Suddenly  a  clear  voice  rang  out 
from  in  back,  "That  will  be  all,  boys. 
We'll  finish  the  'Hell  Week'  scene 
tomorrow.  Pack  up  the  camera  and 
microphones  and  report  back  to  the 
studio.  Good  acting,  Harold  Spleen!" 


Prof.:    "Why,  you  don't  know  the 
first  thing  about  chemistry!" 

Co-ed:   "Maybe  I  do;  what  is  it?" 


Freshman  Number 


13 


SORORITY  SIMPERS 

Oh,  I'll  XEV^er  go  out  with  him 
aGAlN.  I  mean  I  SIMplv  WOXT. 
EniRARRassed?  DARling,  I  blushed 
clear  through  my  VANishing  cream. 
Everyone  NOTiced  him;  It  was  as 
PLAIN  as  the  RATTLE  of  a  Ford. 
At  the  SHOW:  DANcing;  Every- 
where, it  was  so  OBvious!  I 
SHUDder  at  the  MEMory;  I  really 
DO.  My  dear,  he's  COLLEGI- 
ATE! 


Passerby  (rvuiniiig  into  house  after 
hearing  screams)  :  If  you  don't  quit 
beating  your  child,  I'll  call  the  police. 

Man's  voice  from  within:  This 
ain't  no  child.     It's  my  wife. 

Passerby:  Oh,  pardon  me.  I'm 
so  sorry  I  intruded. 

— Southern  California  If'ainpus. 


Romance 

She  pressed  her  lovely  head  against 
my  breast  as  we  stood  there  in  the 
tranquility  of  a  perfect  moonlight 
night.  I  ran  my  fingers  slowly 
through  her  silky  flowing  hair, 
caressing  her  beautiful  neck  and  deli- 
cately shaped  ears.  She  moved  un- 
easily as  if  she.  heard  the  approach 
of  disturbing  footsteps.  "Don't  be 
afraid,  come  closer  to  me,"  I  mur- 
mured in  her  ear,  "You're  my 
Queen."  I  wouldn't  take  a  million 
dollars  for  that  horse. 


Dragged:     "What  is  the  age  limit 
of  cadets?" 

Drugged :      "A  cadet  is  the  limit 
no  matter  what  his  age  is." 

— Pointer. 


POOR  CHILDREN 

The  husband  returned  home  late 
that  night.  Stepping  quietly  so  as 
not  to  disturb  his  wife,  he  entered 
their  bedroom  and  stared  at  the  scene 
before  him.  His  wife  sat  on  the 
edge  of  the  bed  in  the  embrace  of  a 
strange  man.  His  children  were  cry- 
ing in  a  far  corner  of  the  room. 
Grasping  the  man  by  the  throat,  tlie 
liusband  dragged  him  into  the  middle 
of  the  room — glared  at  him  as  his 
fingers  slowly  tightened.  Finally  he 
hissed  through  his  teeth,  "What's  the 
idea  of  slinking  around  houses  this 
time  of  night  and  scaring  little  chil- 
dren?" 


A  Poem* 

I  wonder  what 
A  frosh  thinks  about 
When  he  first  comes 
To  the  campus? 

I  wonder  what 
A  frosh  thinks  about 
After  he  has  been 
Here  awhile? 

I  wonder  what 

A  frosh  thinks  about? 

I  wonder  //  a  frosh  thinks? 

I   wonder?? 
*Poet's  note:    The  reason  the  title 
is  as  it  is,  is  because  otherwise  how 
could  anybody  tell  that  it  is  a  poem? 


Modern   Mothers 

1st  Ma:  "Do  \ou  approve  of  your 
daughter  smoking  so  much?" 

2nd  Ma:  "No,  and  some  da\  I'm 
going  to  tell  her  so." 


Soph:  "Say,  who  d'  you  think 
you're   foolin'?" 

Frosh:  "I  dunno.  What's  your 
name?" 


.\  GOOD  BRIDGE  HAND 


Nora:  "Mary's  husband  is  a  real 
mate." 

Tom:  "Yes.  hut  she  uill  aluays  he 
the  captain." 


14 


The  SIREN 


liftw^ 


Prof.:     "Voimu    man,    why    is    it    I    ipccivoti    no    paper    from 
you  loflay?" 

Krosh :     "My  roommate  had  a  (late  last  iiisiht." 


Tragedy 

It  was  very  late  one  night  when  I  met  a  rute  little 
Alpha  Chi  Omega  pledge  (believe  it  or  not)  walking  home, 
(believe  it  or  not).     She  was  crying! 

Says  I  to  her,  "Why  arc  you  walking  home  and  crying?" 

"Well,"  sniffles  she,  "It's  all  on  account  of  my  ears!     A 

boy  called   up  tonight  and   asked   for  a  date.     I   gave  him 

one  when  he  said  he  was  a  little  P.  A.  I).;  but,  boo  hoo. 

what  he  reallv  said  was  a  little  R.  A.  D." 


First  Reta :     "There  goes  Addaline." 

Second  driuik:     "Who?  That's  Pearl  Smith." 

First:     "Yeh." 

Second:     "Why  call  her  Addaline?" 

First:     "Her  initials  are  P.  S." 


"Dnrs  Rill  ivalk  uith  that  old  slniich  of  his?" 
"No.  I  hrnr  he's  going  with  better  uonien  now." 


Chi  Phi:     "Does  Mary  like  to  dance?  " 
Figam:      "Does  she?     They   tell  me   her   mother  was 
scared  by  a  saxophone!" 


Judging  from  past  years,  we  presume  that  pledging  is  a 
weighty  problem  at  the  Kappa  house. 


As  a  Freshman  Sees  the  Campus 

Fervent  embraces  and  lusty  back  slapping  .  .  .  C'mon, 
let's  have  a  coke  .  .  .  yeh,  I  had  a  swell  vacation  .  .  .  sun- 
light through  the  trees  on  the  Broadwalk  .  .  .  and  when  I 
saw  her  she  said  .  .  .  gee,  this  old  place  sure  looks  like  home 
to  me  .  .  .  the  chimes  casting  a  note  of  peace  over  the  campus 
.  .  .  they  say  it's  a  stiff  course  though  .  .  .  if  he  thinks  he 
can  get  away  with  that  .  .  .  oh,  I  met  the  darlingest  man  this 
summer  .  .  .  no,  this  time  it's  really  different  .  .  .  have  you 
got  a  Lucky  ...  I  guess  Jean  won't  be  back  this  year  .  .  . 
and  the  darn  fool  ga\e  me  only  a  C  .  .  .  C'mon,  let's  have  a 


MORE  BLANK  VERSE 


Prof.  1  : 
Prof.  2 : 
Prof.    1 
classes." 


"Illinois  is  going  to  the  dogs." 
"How  is  that?" 
"Not   a   good,  looking   co-ed   in   any   of   my 


WAR 

No  more  — s. 
— ings  Pennsylvanians, 
— m  mama. 
Way  — d  girls. 
Home  — ed  bound, 
-is  this  thing  called  love? 
— oh — is  my  wandering  boy  tonight? 


Freshman  Number 


15 


Juniors  Error 

(A  story  for  the  benefit  of  our  Chicago  subscribers,  who 
will  appreciate  the  terse,  realistic  manner  in  which  this 
melange  is  told.) 


Military  Tactics 

A.  P.  M.  S.  Sc  T.:  "Noic,  suppose  you  arc  on  your  post 
one  dark  night.  Suddenly  a  person  appears  from  hchind 
and  wraps  two  strong  arms  around  you  so  that  you  can't 
use  your  rifle.    What  will  you  call  thenf" 

Cadet:    "Let  go.  Honey." 


Mrs.  Smyth  came  wearily  into  the  kitchen  of  her  Chi- 
cago bungalow  to  prepare  dinner.  Listlessly,  she  went  to 
the  bread  box  only  to  see  there  a  bulky  object,  swathed  in  a 
blanket,  instead  of  the  accumulated  bread  she  expected. 
Removing  a  flap  of  the  blanket,  she  saw  the  horribly 
mutilated  trunk  of  a  human  body.  She  found  herself 
wondering  if  the  Rici  family  next  door  had  lost  anything — 
she  knew  Tony  was  wanted  by  the  Luigi  gang.  Mrs.  Smyth 
soon  dismissed  this  idea  as  illogical.  The  job  was  too  puerile 
for  Chicago  gangsters.  Grimacing,  she  tossed  the  trunk 
into  the  garbage  can  outside.  It  splashed  sonorously.  Nap- 
kins were  wrapped  around  two  cylindrical  things.  Much  as 
she  expected,  one  proved  to  be  part  of  an  arm.  The  other 
was  a  jelly  roll  baked  that  morning. 

Two  shoe  boxes  were  in  the  ice  box  in  place  of  the  milk 
and  eggs  she  desired.  They  contained  a  right  hand  hacked 
off  at  the  wrist  and  three  parts  of  a  foot.  Mrs.  Smyth, 
annoyed,  opened  but  one.  She  was  realizing  that  John  or 
Junior  would  have  to  go  to  the  store,  and  Junior  never  got 
what  he  went  after,  while  John  fussed  so  at  going.  The 
thought  depressed  her. 

She  lighted  the  oven,  after  yawning  with  boredom  at 
finding  it  empty.  She  had  anticipated  finding  the  head 
there,  but  as  compensation  she  found  several  fingers  and  an 
ear  in  the  silverware  drawer.  She  uttered  a  mild  oath 
when  she  saw  blood  on  the  spoons — people  never  helped 
keep  the  kitchen  clean. 

The  other  ear  and  either  the  nose  or  a  big  toe  were  in 
the  salt  jar.  She  began  to  repeat  under  her  breath,  "Where 
will  I  find  the  head?"  and  thought  of  herself  as  a  head 
hunter.    She  giggled  spontaneously. 

When  John  came,  she  broke  the  news  to  him,  full  of 
dread. 

"Darling,  we  can't  have  dinner  until  some  one  goes  for 
milk  and  eggs." 

"Why  is  it,  Helen,  you  never  think  to  order  things  in 
time?"  he  asked,  plainly  disgruntled,  enipliasizing  the  words 
unpleasantly. 

Helen  showed  him  the  shoe  boxes  in  the  ice  box. 

"Don't  blame  me,"  she  said  crossly,  "Some  one  sub- 
stituted this  stuff  in  place  of  the  provisions  I  had  there." 
John  looked  thoughtful,  and  she  added,  "There's  a  human 
trunk  in  the  garbage  can." 

(Continued  on  Page  23) 


The  college  man  who  sees  double  is  in  great  demand  at 
the  gas  company  as  a  meter  reader. 


Club  servant:  "A  lady  is  ifi  the  lobby  saying  that  her 
husband  promised  to  come  home  early." 

Several  card  players  (jumping  up  hurriedly)  :  "Excuse 
me,  gentlemen." 


^.\^t\>^4*r* 


"And    what    kind    ol    a    tooDi    brush    would    you    like,    in.v 
Sood  man?" 

"Aw,  make  il  a  hard  one.  I>e,v  au\t  no  sissies  in  our  lamiljl" 


16 


The  SIRKN 


IMtn  KK  OK  AI.IIMM'S  MAKING  A   FORCED  LANDING 

s 

In  the  Classroom 

Prof.:    "Can   you   tell   me  briefly   the  changes  on   this 
European  map  in  the  last  few  years?" 

Stiidr:     "Well,  ves.  it  has  been  \arnishcd  once.  " 


Ambition 

An    Ivory   Soap   crouched    on    flu-    bathroom    tioor 
Just  within  the  dusk  of  the  open  door. 
"I  hope,"  it  said,  "ere  my  life  is  done, 
And  my  days  in  that  sudsy  world  begun, 
That  I  may  scat  as  she  strives  to  pass, 
A  beautiful,  buxom,  college  lass." 


(1). 
(2). 

(3). 

(4). 
(5). 
(6). 

(7). 
(8). 


Wouldn't  It  Be  a  Riot! 

If  the  University  couldn't  flunk  people  out? 
If   co-eds   cared   about   anything  except    clothes, 
dancing,  and  men  ( in  the  order  named )  ? 
If   Mr.   Volstead   had   been   a   "coliitch"   boy   in- 
stead of  a  preacher? 

If  college  really  were  a  place  for  study? 
If  rushing  were  done  on  the  level? 
If  deans  of  women  were  snappy-looking  gals,  and 
kept  up  on  the  styles? 
If  everybody  had  unli/iiited  cuts? 
If  college  turned  out  to  be  exactly  what  the  high 
school  kids  dreamed  it  would  be? 


Fresh:  "I  am  in  a  terrible  fix  and  have  no  idea  where 
to  get  money  from." 

Soph:  "Good,  I  was  afraid  you  thought  you  coidd  get 
some  from  me." 


Good  Advice 

Father:    "You  shouldn't  encourage  Frank — no  one  can 
expect  big  things  from  him." 

Evelyn:    "How  about  Dick,  then?" 

Father:     "Yes,  you  can  expect  anything  from  him." 


Harvard  Frosh  (Abroad):  "I  say,  why  do  you  call 
your  touring  car  'Kleptomaniac?'  " 

Distinguished  Oxfordian:  "Because  of  its  rapid  pick- 
up, old  thing." 


-S- 


Jones  (tbe  butcher)  :  "What's  all  the  disturbance  over 
at  Coffin's,  the  undertaker?" 

Smith:  "I  heard  his  business  was  ended,  because  he 
had  gone  in  the  hole." 


'She's  like  an  automatic  pencil." 
'What  dn  you  mean?" 
'  Ez'crrcady." 


K.  A.  T. :     "Wary  has  stopped  going  with  her  Varsity 

wrestler." 

Kitty:     "You  don't  mean  to  tell  me?  After  two  years?" 
K.  A.  T. :    "Yes,  she  only  has  a  roitc/h  idea  of  what  love 

reallv  is." 


Freshman  Number 


17 


Conversion 

Three  warts  squatting  on  an  African  chin 
Were  wondering  why  warts  never  seemed  to  stick  ui. 
Said  one,  "I   wonder  if  a  massage  of  Kraut 
Woidd   help  to  turn  me  inside  out." 

The  second  voted  a  peroxide  trick 
While  the  third  remained  a  silent  lout, 
For  through  the  air  swished  a  big,  red  brick 
Which  scooped  the  entire  colony  out. 


Things  a  Freshman  Should  Think  About  Upon 
Entering  the  University 

1.  The  fille  back  home;  not  the  cross-eyed  one. 

2.  The  alias  he  will  use  when  caught  with  his  dad's 
car  on  the  campus. 

3.  The   ol'   home   town.      He's   expected    to   do   great 
things!     Sez  who? 

4.  The    number    "34."      He'll    hear    it   often   enough, 
God  knows ! 

5.  Does  green  "go"  with  my  new  suit? 


One  on  the  Freshmen 

I'm  laughin'  at  a  freshman, 
Because  he  said  to  me, 
"I  just  saw  the  dumbest  gink, 
That  there  could  ever  be. 

Come  with  me  and  have  a  look, 
I  think  he's  partly  bass." 
So  I  went  and  now  I  laugh ; 
The  gink  was  a  lookin'  glass. 


"HELL,  THIS  .4IN"    'KIKE,'   THI.S   ISH    WATER!" 

s 

He  was  a  big  football  player. 
She  was  a  sweet  little  frosh. 
He  got  mad  and  kicked  her. 

It  pains  me  to  think  that  such  a  sweet  little  co-ed  would 
have  to  get  "Athlete's  Foot.'' 


Dictionary 

Lunge — necessary  picnic  equipment,   {collective  noun). 

Garner — part  of  a  room. 

Pigeon — the  act  of  throwing,   (verb). 

Cheer — a  thing  vised   for  sitting. 

Odes — feed  for  horses,     (origon,  wild  odes). 

Yolk — what  this  is  supposed  to  be. 

Past — a  bothersome  person. 

Betting — favorite  indoor  sport  at  the  Chi  O  hovel. 

Coffer — the  person  who  has  never  heard  of  Old  (]olds 

Squad — to  sit  down  suddenly. 

Bed — to  wager. 

S 

I  pity  much  the  poor  Phi  Bate 
Who  only  got  a  four  point  eight 
But  as  for  me,  I'm  feeling  fine 
To  get  a  measly  two  point  nine. 


Illustrated  Songs 

1.  Have  you  heard,  "Little  White  Lice?" 

2.  The     orange    song:     "Orange"     you     sorry,    truly 
.sorry? 

3.  "What's  The   Juice?"   asked   the   tree-sitter   as   the 
lightning  struck  his  tree. 


Prof.:  "Tell  me  something  about  Elizabeth  and  her 
age." 

Dreaming  Frosh:     "She  will  be  nineteen  next  week." 

S 

Then  there  is  the  sad  tale  of  the  Ag-major  frosh  who, 
on  attending  his  first  football  game,  developed  crossed-eyes 
while  searching  carefully  for  the  shanks  on  the  "pigskin" 
from  row  sixty-four. 


18 


•iMV  DKAK!     FANCY   IS  MEETING  lAKE  THIS!" 


EPITAPH 

"Here  lie  the  bones  of  Jane  O  Day, 
Who  during  rushing  passed  away. 
Chi  O,  D.  G.,  and  old  Pifi— 
These  houses  caused  our  Jane  to  die! 
They   rushed   her  hard,   they   rushed 

her  long. 
And   since  poor  Jane   was   far   from 

strong. 
When   houses   fought  o'er   her,   they 

say. 
Poor  Jane  just  up  and  passed  away! 


Policeman's  small  son  (gazing  at  a 
zebra)  :  "Does  he  get  a  service  stripe 
for  every  year  he's  been  in  the  zoo. 
Daddy?" 


If  Rudy  Valee  received  an  "M" 
for  popularizing  the  "Stein  Song" 
what  should  Jack  Oakie  get  for  his 
"Alma  Mammy?" 


"I'm  going  to  get  the  hell  outa 
here!"  cried  the  preacher,  just  before 
beginning  his  big  reform  crusade. 

— Washingtrnt    (]n  In  inns. 


-S- 


Stage-door  Johnny:     "What  char- 
acter do  you  have  in  the  next  act  ? 

Girl:     "I'm  not  supposed  to  have 
any  character;  I'm  in  the  chorus." 
— Btan  Pot. 


CLOTHES  FOR  THE  WELL 
DRESSED  FRESHMAN 

(^n  the  campu.s — that  should  be 
our  first  big  thought,  for  that  is 
where  most  of  the  time  of  the  young 
collegian,  as  I  have  quaintly  nick- 
named him,  is  spent.  For  morning 
classes  Illinois  students  have  always 
preferred  the  regidation  stove  pipe 
hat,  with  a  band  of  the  college  colors, 
or  of  green  for  freshmen.  Light  blue 
or  orchid  polo  shirts  are  practical  as 
well  as  appealing  to  the  ej'e,  and  are 
displayed  to  best  advantage  on  the 
flat  chested,  stoopshouldered  forms, 
examples  of  which  can  be  seen  daily 
at  the  Chi  Psi  Lodge.  Black  and 
white  oxfords  and  pigskin  gloves 
complete  this  simple  outfit. 

For  afternoon  wear  more  formal- 
ity is  observed,  the  same  costume 
being  worn,  but  with  however,  the 
addition  of  a  goldtipped  cane.  Padded 
shin  guards,  quite  inexpensively,  at 
Louie's,  are  found  by  those  in  the 
know,  to  be  just  the  thing  for  climb- 
ing in  and  out  of  Mr.  Prehn's  traps, 
better  known  as  booths. 

Ruffled  shorts  are  gaining  a  wide- 
spread popularity,  due  to  their 
coolness  and  colorfulness,  and  have 
been  seen  lately  at  Park,  worn  by 
both  B.  M.  O.  C.  and  their  fair 
companions.  For  formal  wear  bow 
ties  are  rapidly  being  eclipsed  by 
string  ties  of  marabou,  chinchilla, 
and  spaghetti. 

S 

Why  not  let  nn  arms  conference 
determine  the  correct  ivaist-line? 


The  SIREN 


HONORED 

Tlie  degree  of  Doctor  of  Humane 
Letters  was  recently  conferred  on 
each  of  the  following  well-known 
men  : 

Julian  Flatfoot,  who  for  fort>- 
years  has  been  the  Evanston  mailman 
and  who  never  once  read  the  back  of 
a  postcard.  Incidentally,  he  forgot 
to  read   the  addresses. 

l'"noch  Oilburncr,  who  was  sued 
for  $250,000  because  he  wrote  tender 
epistles  to  a  trusting  little  girl  from 
the  farm. 

Ignio  Pastellegio,  "the  blackmailer 
with  a  heart,"  who  never  put  a  man 
to   death   without   first  chopping  off      _J. 
the  victim's  head — "to  prevent  suffer- 
ing," he  modestly  says. 

— Purple  Parrot. 


[lot:  Say,  you've  been  smoking 
Camels  for  some  timCj  is  the  man  on 
the  pack  leading  or  folloiving  the 
cam  elf 

Stuff:    I'll  bite.    I  don't  sec  any. 

Hot:  He  is  following.  At  the 
time  the  draiving  ivas  made,  he  ivns 
back  of  the  pyramid  taking  the  sand 
out  of  his  shoes. 

— Jt'cslcyan  Jl  asp. 


Gwendolyn:     "Harold,    dear,    we 
simply  must  not  walk  any  farther." 
Harold:     "Why  not,  honey?" 
Gwen  :     Oh,  these  horrid  rocks  are 
getting  bolder  and  bolder." 

—Ohio  Sun  Dial. 


He  glanced  at  his  watch.  It  was 
time.  He  stood  up  and  raised  his 
hand,  preparatory  to  giving  the 
signal.  Then  he  paused.  He  looked 
around  him  at  the  forces  he  was 
commanding.  Every  man's  eye  was 
upon  him  ;  each  one  was  eager,  tense, 
alert,  prepared  for  action.  He 
cogiated  upon  the  results  of  his 
giving  the  signal.  The  sound  of 
martial  music,  the  booming  of  cannon, 
the  cries  of  wounded  men,  the 
moans  of  mothers,  wives,  sweethearts, 
etc.,  the  tramp  of  marching  feet,  the 
roar  of  conflict,  the  shout  of  victory, 
the  wail  of  defeat,  and  lastly,  the 
silence  of  death — all  these  would 
follow.  Well,  let  them!  and  with  a 
sudden  movement  the  conductor 
swung  his  baton  and  the  orchestra 
started   to  play. 

— Arizona  Kitty-Kat. 


Freshman  Number 


19 


Under   the  Anheuser-Busch 

It  was  one  day  last  month  that  we 
were  visiting  Arthur  Joe,  one  of 
Boston's  better  bootleggers.  The  talk 
drifted  from  bathtubs  to  the  bootleg 
industry.  There  came  a  lag  in  the 
conversation.  Then  somebody  sug- 
gested he  show  us  his  plant  and  ex- 
plain the  various  steps  of  the  manu- 
facture to  us.  Oddly  enough,  he  con- 
sented, and  we  began  our  tour  of  in- 
spection. We  saw  the  men  \wDrking 
about  the  mixing  and  the  cutting 
plants,  and  as  we  were  about  to 
leave,  the  indubitable  Greek  turned, 
and  with  a  smile  pointed  to  one  of 
his  assistants  and  said.  "That  man's 
a  corker!" 

Gad!  Will  this  flow  of  wit  never 
stop?  — I  00  Doo. 


Little  Girl :  Nurse,  will  I  ever 
have  a  mustache  on  my  lip  like  daddy 
when  I  grow  up  ? 

Nurse:  Pretty  often,  dear,  I  ex- 
pect.— Pennsylvania  Punch   Boul. 


Frosh:  "I  was  thinking  of  living 
in  San  Francisco  but  it's  so  far  to 
come  in  the  mornings." 

A  friend:     "Oh,   go  ahead.     You 
might  as  well  commute  as  come 
dumb."  — Pelican. 


31  :  You  say  that  that  Freshman 
has  lived  in  Paris?  He  looks  darned 
rural  to  me! 

33:  Oh,  that's  just  a  little  Paris 
Green.         — Bticknell  Belle  Hop. 


"What's  your  definition  of  a  good 
rl?" 

"Something  few  and  far  between." 
— Gargoyle. 


When  a  boy  writes  six  pages  to  his 
girl  he  is  only  dropping  her  a  line. 
— Desert  PFolf. 


A  fraternity  man  was  badly 
mangled  in  a  train  ivreci,  and  when 
the  doctors  tried  to  identify  him  by 
the  clothes  he  zvas  wearing,  it  looked 
as  though  the  whole  chapter  was  in- 
jured. — Boston  Beanpot. 


The  new  trench  mouth  song  is 
sweeping  the  campus.  You  know, 
the  one  that  goes,  "Love  is  spreading 
infection,  I  know  that  wonderful 
something  is  love  .  .  ." 

— Ohio  Sundial. 

S 


"Where  to,  fratcrf" 

"To  the  asylum  for  the  dunih. 
blind  and  deaf." 

"And,  for  why?" 

"We  need  a  chaperon  for  the 
party."  — Boston  Beanpot. 


First  Prom  Trotter:  "I  can't  un- 
derstand why  you  stayed  outside  so 
long  with  such  a  splendid  dancer  as 
William." 

Second  Drag:  "Well,  he  showed 
me  some  new  steps — and  we  sat  on 
them."  — (Colorado  Dodo. 


The  cannibals  had  just  cooked  up 
a  party  of  missionaries  and  the  feast 
was  being  passed. 

"Would  you  like  a  nice,  fresh 
loasted  priest?"  asked  the  chef. 

"Nun,  thank  you,"  rejoined  the 
chief. 

It's  great  to  have  a  ruler  with  a 
sense  of  humor,  isn't  it  ? 

— Amherst   Lord  Jeff. 

S 

Teacher :  Correct  this  sentence  for 
me — "There  are  an  awful  lot  of 
freshmen  in  this  university." 

Susie:  There  are  a  lot  of  awful 
fresh  men  in  this  university. 

— loiL-a   Frivol. 


Light  a  Murad 

In  a  pinch  use  Allen's  Foot  Ease. 
In  a  squeeze — use  discretion. 


"With  whom  aro  you  ^oin^  to  room 
this  semostor?" 

"Anyone  whoso  Charter  House  suits 
from  /CdLLfman'3  are  handy." 


ifl9i^^ 


20 


The  SIREN 


RI  ALTO  THEATRE 

Week  Slartiiiii  Sunday,  Sept.  2S 


Buddy  Rogers 
Nancy  Carroll 

"Follow  Thru" 


IN  TK,(  IINK  (H.OK 


A  PEACH  OF  A  PAIR  IN  A  PERFECT 
PLAY     LOVE— LAUGHS— SONG    HITS 

Coming — Gary  Cooper  in  Rex  Beach's 
"The  Spoilers" 


When  You   Are   In   Champaign 

stay  at  the 

INMAN 
HOTEL 

Fireproof,  modern,  convenient  service 
are  the  qualities  that  make  the  Inman 
Champaign's  leading  hotel. 

Special  Sunday  Dinners 

Just  a  block  West  of  the  Illinois  Central  Station 
on  University  Avenue 

G.  W.  BYERS 

AUGUST  DANIELSON 

Proprietors 


KISSES 

I  lia\r  known  kisses  sweet  and  warm, 
And  kisses  hot  as  the  flames  of  hell. 

I  have  been  kissed  in  a  slashing  storm. 
And  deep  in  the  coolest  dell. 

I  ha\e  known  the  kiss  of  passion. 
And  the  cool  ki.ss  of  sweet  pure  love, 

(From  school  girl,  and  bud  of  fashion). 
From  wind,  sim  and  moon  above. 

I  have  taken  kisses  by  force, 

From  the  willing  and  unwilling, 
And  they  were  sweet  from  either  source, 

But  not  as  sweet  as  thrilling. 

And  I  have  had  kisses  forced  on  nie. 
Burning  kisses  that  I  didn't  crave, 

Kisses  that  were  not  sought  by  me, 
But  I  took  as  good  as  I  gave. 

But  the  kisses  that  I  treasure 

Deep  in  my  heart  and  memory. 
Are  the  kisses  I've  had  from  you. 
Tender,  sweet  and  just  for  me. 

They  are  rare  and  dewy  fresh. 

And  linger  on  my  lips  forever. 
Like  wondrous  incense,  always  fresh, 

That  springs  from  Love's  eternal  river. 

—  Y.  M.  I.  Sniper. 


The  R.  O.  T.  C.  was  in  camp. 
"Who  goes  there,"  called  out  the  rookie  guard. 
"A  Sigma  Nu,"  came  back  the  answer. 
Corporal  of  the  guard — "drunken  man  on  post  number 
two."  ....  — Arizona  Kitty-Kat. 


"Want  to  take  a  blind  date  Friday?" 
"Oh,  my  deah,  haven't  you  heard  ?    1   am  going  to  be 
married  Friday!" 

"That  night?     Well,  how  about  Saturday?" 

— loua  Frivol. 


Freshmen  get  dumber  every  year. 
Do  you  think  so? 

Yeh.     One  of  them  came  up  to  me  the  other  day  and 
said  how  funny  it  was  at  this  university. 
Why? 

'Cause  so  many  of  the   Dean's  were   named   Emeritus. 

— Gargoyle. 


Freshman  Number 


21 


Heard  at  the  Prom 

"Love  me,  hoii  ?" 
"Uh-huh." 

"Love  me  a  lot,  hon?" 
"Uh-huh." 

"Love  me  an  awful  lot,  hon?" 
"Uh-huh." 

"Then  sit  up.     Your  sorority  pin's  tearing  my  necktie." 

— Beanpot. 


Blue  eyes  gaze  at  mine. — 
Soft  hands  clasped  in  mine. — 
Fair  hair  brushing  mine. — 
Red  lips  close  to  mine. — 
Lithe  body  close  to  mine. — 
Footsteps. — 


Vexation. 
Palpitation. 
Expectation. 
Temptation. 
Aspiration. 
Damnation. 
-If'est  Point  Pointer. 


Many  co-eds  are  responsible  for  teaching  some  boys  to 
\\  alk  at  an  early  date. 


I  followed  the  one  and  only  out  of  the  Libe.  Just  as 
she  reached  the  door  a  book  dropped  out  of  her  arms.  It 
was  my  chance.  I  rushed  to  her  and  picked  it  up.  I  noticed 
it  was  English  History. 

"Excuse  me,"  I  said,  "but  did  you  drop  this." 
"Drop  it!"  she  exclaimed,  "Hell,  I  flunked  it." 

— Siivasher. 


Sad  But  True 

"You're  the  most  wonderful  girl  Fve  ever  known." 

"I  only  wish  you  meant  that,  George." 

"So  do  L"  — Ohio  'Green  (ioat. 


Golddigger:    "I'd  have  adored  to  live  durinij  the  age  of 
chivalry." 

Second  Femme:    "Yes,  ii'eren'l  the  men  polite  then?" 

First  One:    "And  they  hud  such  uonderful  manors." 

— If  est  Point  Pointer. 


Officer:  "Did  you  get  the  note  I  sent  down  with  my 
horse?" 

Private:  "Yessir,   and   we   carried   out   your   order." 

Officer:  "Fine,  send  the  horse  over  immediately." 

Private:  "Yessir,  shall  we  send  him  by  truck?" 

Oiificer:  "No,  you  fool,  let  him  walk!" 

Pause. 

Private:  "Say  would  you  please  repeat  what  you  had 
written  on  that  note?" 

Officer:  "My  orders  were  'Have  my  horse  shod  right 
away.'  " 

Private:  "Oh!  was  that  a  d — ?  I  thought  it  was  a  t." 
— Carnegie  Tech  Puppet. 


Beautiful  But  Dumb  (in  cabaret):  "Let's  get  one  of 
those  private  rooms." 

Escort:  "Those  aren't  private  rooms,  they're  telephone 
booths."  — Carnegie  Tech  Puppet. 


Another  way  to  judge  an  old  timer  is  one  who  remem- 
bers when  his  mother  rocked  him  to  sleep  instead  of  blowing 
smoke  rings  to  amuse  him.  — Princeton  Tiger. 


.ind  then  there's  the  Zugee  bird  who  flies  backwards. 
lie  doesn't  give  a  damn  ivhere  he's  going,  he  just  icants  to 
knoiv  where  he's  been.  — Arizona  Kitty-Kat. 


'  Where  Friends  Meet" 


Han  ley's 


713  Wright  Street 


Facing  the  Campus 


22 


The  SIREN 


Strauch's 


For  Si'ivhf  In 


l^icture  Framing,  Photography 
Kodak  Finishing 

Fountain  Pen  Kepair 


Supplies 


Fountain  Pens,  Laundry  Gases,  Locker 
Locks,  Die  Stamped  Stationery,  Kodaks, 
Memory  Books 

Note  Books,  Study  Lamps, 
Supplies,  Novelties 


Ciijis  and  Greeting  Cards 
for  .III  Occasions 

Strauch  Photo  Art-House 

At  Campus,   709  South  Wright 


Zoo/oyy  in  thf  ii/iirsi  Jihuh  a/lriiily  lliusc  jiash  icho 
li'iili  iriUil  Ikjiiis  luid  iidtliUK/  iikjii.  I'luii  Ititj,  there  are 
the  field  /ri/<s  lliitt  add  i/reiilly  ti,  the  ipirit  uf  tile  eltiss.  At 
the  hist  (if  these  jiiiints  in  the  o/un  field  one  nveet  yuiinii 
thini/  in  the  diiss  stopped  and  pteked  up  ii  ehestnttt  burr. 
" Fntfessur."  she  (idled  exeitedly.  "('.(jiiie  here!  I've  found 
(I  pureupine  eijij!"  — Huston  Beanput. 


Her   (at  hop)  :  'Wait  for  nie  here,  Bill,  while  I  powder 

my  nose." 

Her  (Trois  hops  later)  :     "Been  waiting  long?" 
Second  Classman:     "No,  but  I've  been  looking  all  over 

for  you  to  give  you  your  compact." — ll'est  Point  Pointer. 


Are  you  the  captain  of  the  infantrymen? 

These  aren't  infantrymen. 

Well,  are  you  in  charge  of  the  cavalry? 

These  aren't  cavalry. 

Are  you  in  charge  of  the  Hussars? 

These  aren't  Hussars. 

Are  you  an  officer  of  these  Lancers? 

These  aren't  Lancers. 

Well,  then  what  are  they? 

They're  rookies. 

Well,  are  you  in  charge  of  these  rookies? 

Yes.     What  is  it? 

You're  wanted  on  the  telephone  in  the  office. 

— Ohio  State  Sundial. 


They  were  sitting  out  in  the  moonlight. 

"And,"  she  said  proudly,  "if  poverty  comes,  we'll  face  it 
together." 

"Oh,  sweetheart,"  he  answered,  "just  the  mere  sight 
of  your  face  would  scare  the  wolf  away." 

And  ever  since  he  has  been  wondering  why  she  returned 
his  ring.  — Beanpot. 


Hadn't  you  better  go  and  tell  your  father?"  said  the 
motorist  to  the  farmer's  boy  who  stood  looking  at  the  load 
of  hay  upset  in  the  lane  by  a  collision. 

"He  knows,"  replied  the  boy. 

"Knows?    How  can  he  know?" 

"He's  under  the  hay."  — Drexerd. 


Drunk  (entering  street  car)  :    Shay,  will  you  put  me  off 
thish  thing  when  we  get  to  where  I'm  sposesh  to  get  off. 
Street  Car  Conductor:     Yes  sir,  you  get  off  right  here! 
Drunk:    Gosh,  here  already!    How  time  dush  fly! 

— Sour  Old. 


I'ti'shmuu  Number 


23 


Junior's  Error 

( (Continued  from  Pcuje  15) 

"Hum,"  he  mused,  ".somebody  had  an  accident.  Any 
matches  out  here?     My  lighter's  on  the  blink." 

Junior,  nearly  twelve,  arrived,  complaining  because 
dinner  wasn't  ready.  About  to  go,  he  remembered  some- 
thing and  turned  with  a  roguish  look  in  his  eyes. 

"Find  anything  in  the  bread  box?"  he  inquired. 

"Junior,"  Helen  commanded,  "come  here  and  tell 
mother  all  about  it." 

"Aw,  there's  nothing  to  tell.  After  I  killed  her,  I  just 
happened  to  think  I  could  have  fun  maybe  surprising  you 
folks.     Primo  Rici  does  something  like  this  often." 

Junior  was  leaving,  when  Helen  remembered. 

"Junior,"  she  called  eagerly,  "tell  me,  where's  the 
head  ?" 

Her  son  marched  proudly  to  the  potato  bin  and  pro- 
duced from  under  the  Early  Ohios  a  grisly  thing  which 
evidently  had  been  a  human  head. 

"Why,"  remarked  John,  "it  looks  like  grandma's." 

"Sure,  it's  grandma.  There's  more  in  the  clothes 
hamper.  "And  say,"  he  spoke  naively,  "I'll  bet  you  didn't 
find  her  fingers." 

"Yes,  we  did,"  laughed  Helen,  " — in  the  silverware 
drawer.     But  why — " 

"Them's  her  nose  and  ears,"  Junior  interrupted  scorn- 
fully.    "Her  fingers  are  in  the  pickle  jar." 

John,  looking  for  a  match,  heard  this  last  and  was 
nauseated,  because  he  liked  pickles.  He  faced  Junior 
sternly. 

"Junior,  why  did  you  do  this?  The  idea,  and  grandma, 
too!" 

The  child  sensed  a  scene  and  sat  down  on  a  chair,  re- 
moving grandma's  head  first. 

"Well,  you  know  last  night  when  that  dumb  old  guy 
called  on  grandma  and  brought  her  a  box  of  candy?" 

His  parents  nodded. 

"You  see  I  was  watching,  but  they  didn't  know  it.  Well, 
I  saw  grandma  reach  for  a  sweet  instead  of  a " 

"Heavens,"  shrieked  Helen,  interrupting,  "You've  made 
a  horrid  mistake.     Mamma  wanted  to  get  fat!" 

She  turned  to  John,  but  he  had  gone  to  Rici's  to  boriow 
a  match. 


A.  T.  O.:     "Woman's  greatest  attraction  is  her  hair." 
Pi  K.  A.:   "I  say  that  it  it  is  her  eyes." 
Phi:     "It  is  unquestionably  her  teeth." 
S.  A.   E.:     "What's  the  use  of  us  sitting  here  lying  to 
each  other?"  — The  Hlountain  Goat. 


Those  who   follow  the  lines  of  least   resistance  are  re- 
puted to  be  the  fellows  who  go  to  the  Theta  house. — Frivol. 


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24 


The  SIREN 


Buy  Voiir  Drugs 


at 


SPALDING'S 
DRUG  STORE 

Full  line  of  toilet  articles,  cigars, 
cigarettes,  pipes,  magazines  and  sun- 
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Special  attention  to  alterations  on 
military  mens  boots 

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Shoe  Repair  Shop 

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Pleasing  you  keeps  us  in  business 


WHAT  NEXT? 

And  now  we  have  a  sixteen  cyliniier  cur.  With  a  car 
that  long,  the  rear  end  will  just  be  getting  across  one  cross- 
ing while  the  front  end  will  be  starting  to  cross  the  next 
corner. 

And  wtiat  with  all  these  boulevard  stops.  The  car  will 
have  to  come  to  another  stop  before  the  gears  can  be  shifted. 
It  will  seem  funny  for  the  driver  to  stop  at  a  corner  while 
he  is  still  sitting  in  the  middle  of  the  block. 

They  will  have  to  devise  some  method  of  bending  the 
car  in  the  middle  to  enable  it  to  get  around  these  hairpin 
mountain  curves. 

And  just  think  of  parking  the  car.  Parking  perpendicular 
to  the  curb  will  hold  up  traffic  for  the  day.  Garages  long 
enough  for  these  cars  will  almost  be  impossible. 

Guess  I'll  stick  to  my  old  broken  down  Ford. 

— Southern   (J/i/iforniii  II  (i/iif>m. 


"Move  over  there,"  bellowed  the  big,  burly  cop,  "who 
do  you  think  you  are?  Where  did  you  ever  get  the  idea 
that  you  could  drive  on  the  left  side  of  the  street  going  .55 
miles  an  hour  through  an  intersection? 

"But,  my  dear  man,  your  philosophy  is  all  wrong," 
mumbled  the  professor  who  taught  Theory  of  Philosophy. 
"After  all,  are  you  sure  that  I'm  even  here?  And  if  I  am 
here,  are  you  sure  that  I'm  not  somebody  else?  Perhaps 
I'm  even  a  table  or  a  chair  or  maybe  I  lived  3,000  years  ago. 
Am  I  standing  on  my  head  or  is  the  rest  of  the  world  upside 
down?  You'd  better  pinch  yourself  to  see  if  you're  really 
here,  too.     One  can  never — " 

The  cop  is  now  in  a  padded  cell. 

— Southern  California  Wampus. 


As  You  Love 

Pessimist:  "She  loves  me  not.  She  loves  me  not.  She 
loves  mc  not." 

Optimist:  "She  loves  me.  She  loves  me  not.  She  loves 
me.     She  loves  me  not." 

College  Student.  "She  lo\es  me.  She  loves  me.  Slu- 
loves  me."  — //  ampus. 


Two  hundred  (200)  Christian  women  in  Colorado 
Springs  recently  petitioned  the  city  council  to  pass  an 
ordinance  against  bill-board  advertisements  which  repre- 
sented women  using  "tobacco  in  any  form."  It  is  under- 
mining the  "heart  of  our  nation,"  they  say. — From  Time 
Magazine. 

We  shall  send  them  a  wire  immediately  recommending 
Old  Dutch  Cleanser  as  a  bath-salts.  — Sour  On-l. 


Freshman  Number 


25 


Rhythm  in  Music 

Is   the  important   fundamental   that 
assures  good  dancing 

FRANK  ZELL 

and  his  eleven  piece  orchestra 
invite  you  to 

College  Hall 

riic  most  attractive  ballroom  and  lounge  on  the  campus 

"DANCE  ON  THE  CAMPUS" 


To  the  Editor 

They  will  not  take  my  stories  now, 
They  say  they  have  no  plot ; 
If  they're  as  bad  as  some  I  see, 
I  think  I  should  be  shot. 

^'e  Ed  takes  pride  in  destroying 
All  that  I  can  write, 
Methinks  he  sells  my  manuscripts 
To  ragmen,  oh  so  tight. 

Some    day,    perhaps,    he'll    write    to    me 

And  then  what  will  I  do? 

I'll  calmly  throw  his  writing  dear. 

Into  a  basket,  too.  — Blark  and  Blue  Jny. 


The   ninn   ivho  ahcays  sang  in   the  hathtiih  inst/i/led  a 
shower  and  met  his  death  through  droiining. 

— Purple  Parrot. 


SCRAPING  ALONG 

"Oh.  George,  do  you  realize  it's  almost  a  year  sinee  our 
honeymoon ,  and  that  glorious  day  n-e  spent  on  the  sands.' 
I  uonder  hotv  ive'll  spend  this  one?" 

"On  the  roeks."  — laneouver  Provinee. 


-S- 


Chicago  university  is  ha\ing  difficulty  with  the  track 
team.  The  dash  men  arc  rum-runners,  the  distance  men  are 
barred,  pole  vaulting  is  o\'cr-stressed  for  a  wall-leaping 
future,  and  all  the  weight  men  are  half-shot. 

— ^Missouri  Shonrne. 


We  were  visiting  friends  this  summer  and  our  conver- 
sation was  suddenly  interrupted  by  one  of  the  younger 
members  of  the  family.  He  walked  slowly  into  the  room, 
sniffed  and  edged  over  to  his  father's  chair. 

"What's  the  matter,  son  ?"  asked  his  father. 

The  youngster  stifled  a  sob. 

"I've  just  had  a  terrible  scene  with  your  wife,"  he  said. 

— J  aek-o' -Lantern. 


Like  father,  like  son — but  like  daughter  and  you  don't 
give  a  damn  for  the  rest  of  the  family.       — Puneh  Boivl. 


'It's  a  ivise  eork  that  kno7rs  its  oivn  Pop." — Pointer. 


26 


The  SIREN 


WELCOME 
ILLINI 

Glad  you're  here 

We  trust  we  may  be  of  much 
service  to  you 

We  can  make  anything  you  want 
— and  we  deliver  it  on  time 

BERRYMAN  BAKERY 

213  South  Neil  Street 
ChampaijESn  Tel.  4161 


Mr.  Kipling  Reads  His  Stories  in  Liberty     Plus 
the  Advertisements 

lie  took  her  in  hi.s  arms,  once  so  weak,  now  strong,  built 
up  into  masses  of  muscles  by  use  of  the  Master  Muscle 
Builder,  only  $2.45  by  mail  anywhere  east  of  the  Rockies, 
$2.95  west  of  the  Rockies,  postage  prepaid.  He  felt  her 
soft  skin  kept  as  lovely  as  that  of  511  Hollywood  actresses 
who  all  acclaim  the  wonder  soap  of  the  age;  and  looked  into 
her  eyes — you  can  have  eyes  like  those,  dark  and  dangerous, 
just  a  minute  a  day;  a  simple  preparation;  easy  to  apply; 
does  not  cake.  Her  hair  shone  with  that  lustre  which  only 
the  pure  oil  of  the  Siberian  nuts,  mixed  with  the  rich  per- 
fume of  Arabia,  and  sold  imder  the  exclusive  copyrighted 
name:  (jolden  Line  (Trade  Mark)  can  give.  And  still 
something  was  lacking — perhaps  he  had  no  "Sox  appeal"; 
but  then  four  out  of  five  have  it.  Could  he  be  the  fifth? 
He  looked  down,  trembling,  and  then  he  realized  that  even 
your  best  friend  won't  tell  you.  — Georgia  Cracker. 


THE  SIDELINES 

Half-shot  fraternity  brothers — blaring  strains  of  a 
hand — freshman  hats — beautiful  girls — sunshine — a  boy 
irith  tivo  buckets  and  a  tonrl — eleven  tense  crimon  jerseyed 
men — a  shrill  nhistle — a  deafening  roar  of  applause — and 
the  football  season  is  ivith  us  once  more. 

— Rammer  Jammer. 


Bresee  Bros. 


Cleaners — Hatters — Tailors 


From  old  to  new  in  24  hours 

VWlcome  the  first  crisp  day  of  fall  .  .  .  with  a 
cheerio  .  .  .  and  a  hat  which  has  proved  itself  in  past 
seasons  .  .  .  but  which  looks  fresh  from  a  smart 
shop  ...  or  Rreesc  Bros,  hat  cleaning  experts. 

Phone  4444 


She  threw  me  a  rose  and  it  started 
'Neath  an  old  Spanish  moon  in  Madrid, 
And  I'll  never  quite  know  how  we  parted  . 
'Cause  her  husband  came  home  'fore  we  did. 

— Rammer  Jammer. 


Two  Chicago  men  left  a  banquet  together,  they  had 
dined  exceptionally  well. 

"When  you  get  home,"  said  one,  "if  you  don't  want  to 
disturb  your  family,  undress  at  the  foot  of  the  stairs,  fold 
your  clothes  neatly,  and  creep  up  to  your  room." 

They  met  the  next  day  at  lunch. 

"How  did  you  get  on?"  asked  the  adviser. 

"Rottenly,"  replied  the  other;  "I  took  off  all  my  clothes 
at  the  foot  of  the  stairs,  as  you  told  me,  and  folded  them  up 
neatly.  I  didn't  make  a  sound.  But  when  I  reached  the 
top  of  the  stairs — it  was  the  elevated  station." 

—  Yelloiv  Jacket. 


Inside:   May's  dress  seems  to  have  seen  hard  icear. 
Outside:    Hardivare  is  right.    She  has  had  six  fraternity 
pins.  — Carnegie  Tech  Puppet. 


Freshman  Number 


27 


Motlier  Goose  for  the  Sophisticated 

Jack  and  Jill  meandered  up  a  small  protuberance  from 
the  earth's  surface  for  the  express  purpose  of  gaining  a 
quantity  of  water  necessary  for  their  wants.  On  their  re- 
turn journey,  the  attraction  of  gravity  proving  too  great  for 
him,  the  young  boy  fell,  causing  a  fracture  of  the  skull, 
probably  a  slight  concussion  of  the  brain,  and  a  small 
cerebral  hemorrhage.  Jill's  subconscious  mind,  her  long 
suppressed  desires,  her  numerous  inhibitions,  probably  caused 
by  early  repressions,  and  her  many  complexes,  all  united  to 
force  her  to  descend   rapidly  also.        — Gcoryia  Cracker. 


-S- 


"THE  LION" 

(  Playlet  in  3  acts) 

Act  I 

Lion,  Trainer,  and  his  Assistant. 

Act   II 

Lion,  Trainer 

Act  III 

Lion. 

End. 

— Black  and  Blue  Jay. 


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Aufhentio    Tr.ivel    Picture 


I'll  Make  a  Date 
With  Anybody 

To  sell  them  a  subscription 
to  the  Siren 

The   experience   will   cost  you 
One  Buck 

Meet  me  at  the  Siren  office 


a(2flfta(-i 


28 


The  SIREN 


Public  Utilities  Make 
Today's  City  Possible 

Suppose  tlic  public  utilities  would  vanish  tonifjlit. 

Suppose  electric,  f*as,  water,  transportation,  and  telephone  service  would 
end?    What  of  the  city  of  tomorrow? 

The  modern  home,  built  as  it  is  around  these  fjreat  aids  to  better  livinjj, 
would  be  impossible. 

With  no  elevators  in  service,  no  lights,  no  fias  for  their  ranges,  no  water, 
no  telephones,  the  great  stores,  hotels  and  office  buildings  would  go  out  of 
business.  We  would  step  back  into  the  dark  age  of  commerce  with  its  con- 
gested, poorly  lighted,  wretchedly  ventilated,  insanitary  shops  and  factories. 

Without  public  utilities  civilized  life  of  today  would  be  paralyzed. 

Illinois 

Bower  and  Light 

Coiporation 


There's  one  thing  gets  us  college  guys, 

We  wish  we  had  a  bat 

To  bash  the  head  of  ev'ry  bloke 

That  calls  our  house  a  "frat."  — Fratcr. 


First  Sewaiiee  Student:  "Who  was  that  innocent  young 
damsel  I  saw  you  with  last  night  ?" 

Second  Abstainer:  "Innocent  young  girl?  (^h,  was  that 
before  or  after  intermission?"         — The  Mountnin  Goat. 


The    huge    problem    in    fraternity    architecture:      Guest 
room  or  extra  davenports?  — Frater. 


P'ditor:     "Did  you  ever  write  anything  before?" 
Authoress:     "Oh,  yes,  I  wrote  a  confession  story  once." 
I'-ditor:     "Did  the  editor  send  it  back?" 
Authoress:     "No,  he  came  all  the  way  from  New  York 
to  California  to  meet  me."  — Arizona  hilly  Kat. 


And  He  Never  Attended  Any  More  Tea  Dances 

Co-ed  (to  her  first-year  guest  at  sorority  dance)  :  I  bet 
you  don't  know  how  long  I  have  been  here  at  school. 

Frosh  (seriously)  :  Really,  I  wouldn't  even  attempt  to 
guess.  — Exchange. 


Prof.:     "Please  do  not  talk;  you  disturb  me." 
Yawning  Voice:    "Ych,  and  the  same  to  you." 

— Penn  Slate  Froth. 


The  most  difficult  problem  ever  presented  to  Prof.  Mac- 
Whoopee  for  solution  is  that  in  which  one  of  a  set  of  twins 
died   and  the  likene.ss    between    them    being    so  great  the 
parents  were  unable  to  tell  which  of  the  two  was  dead. 
— Pennsv/vania    Punrh    Boiil. 


"One  of  the  grads  became  so  tight  on  a  bet  he  had  won, 
that  he  thought  he  was  Sir  Gallahad  with  the  grail,  and 
it  took  the  whole  Kappa  Sig  chapter  to  pry  him  loose  from 

their  bright,  shining  cuspidor."  — If  hirlivind. 


Freshman  Number 


29 


TODAY.  .  is 

somebody's    birthday  ! 


—  and  somebody  is  pretty 
sure  to  be  pleased  — if  he  is 
remembered  with  some 
good-looking  ties. 

There  are  Cheney 
Cravats— for  every  type  of 
daytime  and  evening  wear. 

CHENEY 

([^RAVATS 

MADE      OF      CHENEY      SILKS 


30 


The  SIRKN 


WHITE  LINE 
LAUNDRY 

HOME    OF    KAPTAIN    KLEAN 


//   seems   to    us   thai    the   tdlkus   are   yttling   voiee   and 
voice.  — Armour  Engineer. 


It  seems  that  there  was  once  a  Kappa  Sig  who  went 
dancing  at  the  Kappa  Sig  house  but  the  D  U's  threw  him 
out.  — Prater. 


There's  at  Least  One  in  Every  House 

The  man  who  is  learning  to  play  a  saxophone. 

The  man  who  is  always  lamenting  the  loss  of  the  "Fra- 
ternity Spirit." 

A  fork  whose  prongs  have  lost  their  sense  of  direction. 
A  man  who  has  your  necktie  every  time  you  want  to 
wear  it. 

A  "No  Parking"  sign. 

Somebody  yelling  "Study  Hour!" 

A  salt  shaker  from  the  Corner. 

A  ********  who'll  double-date  you  if  you  come  in  be- 
fore daylight.  — Prater. 


Phi  Delt:     "Do  you  know  that  Phi  Delta  Theta  main- 
tains five  homes  for  the  feeble  minded?" 

Frosh:     "I  thought  you  had  more  chapters  than  that." 

— Privol. 


Two  elderly  deans  were  discussing  the  respective  merits 
of  their  colleges.  One  of  them  had  been  eulogizing  upon 
the  great  superiority  of  his  school  to  the  other's  until  the 
latter  gentleman  became  griped.  His  school  had  a  student 
body  of  about  5,000  and  he  thought  that  in  numbers  at  least 
he  could  outdo  the  other  fellow.  So  he  asked,  "Well,  how 
many  students  are  there  in  your  college?" 

"Oh,  about  7,000  odd,  I  guess. 

"How  many  excluding  the  queer  ones?"      — Phoenix. 


Clerk:     "See,  that  hat  fits  perfectly.  How  does  it  feel?' 
Stewdent:     "Fine,  unless  my  ears  get  tired." 

— The  Mountain  Goat. 


THE   SIREN   GALL   FOR   NEW    FALL    APPAREL    FOR 
MEN  LS  DEFINITELY  ANSWERED  AT  THE  STORE  FOR 

ILLINOIS  MEN 


%^:/uiAt<^ 


Downtown 


Champaign 


Freshman  Number 


31 


BEAT  THIS 

The  two  kings  were  facing  in  op- 
posite directions.  Neither  was  able  to 
face  the  other.  Before  them  was  the 
field  of  battle. 

" Check!" 

"I  can  offer  no  more  than  ten  iron 
men,  the  last  that  I  have." 

"I  will  see  them." 

"Then  I  am  with  yoii." 

"Good!    Me  too." 

So  the  fellow  who  had  the  kings 
back  to  back  showed  them  to  the  rest 
of  the  boys  and  took  the  pot — a  nice 
haul ;  close  to  a  hundred  dollars. 
Some  guys  sure  are  lucky  in  stud 
poker.  — Neiv  York  Medley. 


CORRECT 

Professor  (in  engineering  class)  : 
"What's  a  dry  dock?" 

Student:  "A  physician  who  won't 
give  out  prescriptions." 

— Drexel  Drexerd. 


Traveler:  If  III  you  please  reyister 
my  berthf 

Pullman  Agent:  Say,  this  is  a  Rail 
Road  Station,  not  a  Court  House. 

— Carnegie  Tech  Puppet. 


Son:      "Dad,   how    do  they  catch 
crazy  people?" 

Dad :  "With  rouge,  powder, 
permanent  waves,  smiles  and  sweet 
nothings,  my  boy." 

— Sewanee  Mountain  Goat. 


ALL  AMERICAN  JACK  ELDER: 
.  .  "One  of  the  best  college  stories  I  have 
ever  read!" 


Huddle 


IN  THE  NOVEMBER  ISSUE 

Col|e5€  Humor 

MAGAZINE 


"I  know  of  no  contemporary  who  is  better 
qualified  to  write  modern  football  fiction  than 
Francis  Wallace;  this  is  particularly  true  of 
the  kind  of  football  we  play  at  Notre  Dame, 
as  he  has  had  an  opportunity  to  observe  it 
from  the  inside  for  the  last  eleven  years. 

"I  know  that  in  his  first  novel.  Huddle. 
the  football  scenes  both  on  and  off  the  field 
will  be  authoritative  and  authentic;  more  so, 
perhaps,  than  any  long  football  story  of 
recent  years." 


32 


The  SIREN 


nealthy 


Planters 

Salted  Peanuts 
are  wholesome 
and  good  for  you. 
Thoroughly  roast- 
ed. Always  fresh 
and  crisp  in  glas- 
sine  bags  with 
Mk.  Peanut  on 
them.  5c  every- 
where. It's  "The 
Nickel  Lunch." 

Planters  Nut  & 
Chocolate  Co. 

U.S.A.  and  Canada 


Planters 

Salted  Peanuts 


\ 


PICTURES 


ARE 

INDISPENSIBLE 

SUCCESSFUL 
PUBLICATION 


P  h  ol' o  "  E  n  o;t'<\>>>  i  n  o  s 
Colo  npl^dtr?  <P 


GRGRUBBcCO 

w       ENGRAVEftS      , -^ 
"%     CHAMPAIGN.       * 
ILLINOIS. 


There  was  a  young  poet  from  Japan 
Who  wrote  verses  that  wvwx  woiiIl!  scan 

When  his  friends  told  him  so 

lie   replie,!,   "Yes,    I    know, 
Hut  1  always  tr\   to  get  as  man\   words  in  the  last  line  as  I 
possibly  can."  — Exchuni/f. 

S 


"I've  got  tired  of  fooling  with  you.     You  aren't  really 
intelligent,  are  you  ?" 

"Well,  I  belong  to  the  Student  Council. — Put  Panther. 


The  Prom  Committee  Meets 

Chairman:     Meeting  come  to  order. 

C.  B.  A. :    Three  of  my  fraters  want  free  seats. 

C.  L.  A.:     So  do  four  of  mine. 

Chairman:  I'd  like  a  couple  of  tickets  myself — just  for 
advertising  purposes  you  know. 

Ed:   That's  what  we  need,  more  publicity. 

C.  B.  A.:  Let's  get  Dean  Franklin  to  say  the  Prom  is 
no  place-for  a  nice  girl. 

Ed :    I  need  five  free  tickets. 

Music:    So  do  I. 

Chairman:  Well,  let's  all  take  five  tickets  to  start 
things — O  K.?     All  right,  all  those  in  favor? 

Bunch:     O.  K. 

Chairman:  Opposed?  Carried.  Now  how  about 
decorations. 

C.  L.  A. :     Let's  carry  that  over. 

Chairman:     O.  K.     How  about  catering? 

C.  B.  A. :     Let  that  slide. 

Chairman:  O.  K.  What  we  got  to  do  is  start  interest 
— let's  take  five  tickets  to  give  out  to  those  that  will  help. 
All  in  favor?  Opposed?  Carried.  What's  that,  yeh,  we'll 
meet  next  week — that's  all.  — Boston  Bciinpot. 


Once  upon  a  time  a  little  boy  went  on  a  long  trip  with 
his  father,  and  when  he  came  home  he  said  to  his  mother: 
"Alamma,  am  I  really  pop's  little  nepheivf  That's  ivhat  he 
told  a  pretty  lady."  — Longhorn  Ranger. 


The  crowd  roared  as  he  started  straight  down  the  field. 
Everyone  ii'as  behind  him,  not  a  man  was  before  him!  A 
clear  field!  Only  a  feiv  more  yards  to  the  goal  line — would 
he  make  itf  Behind  him  he  could  hear  the  drumming  feet. 
Another  yard — just  one  more — ah!  there  it  goes!  Thank- 
heaven.  He  continued  to  swing  his  stick  as  he  led  the  band 
oi'er  the  line.  — Harvard  Lampoon. 


J 


A  tadpole  is  a  curious  beast 

A  paradox  complete 
For  he  is  but  four  inches  long 

When  he  has  grown  four  Feet.     — Pointer. 


Familiarize  Yourself 

—  with  what's  Correct  for  Fall 


Our  display  will  guide  you 
accurately  as  to  style — pro- 
tect you  as  to  quality — bene- 
fit you  beautifully  in  value- 
giving.  Throughout  every 
department  you'li  see  the 
cream  of  production  from 
America's  most  prominent 
makers  and  style  authori- 
ties —  in  Goodman  &  Suss 
clothes,  Mallory  hats,  and 
Kingly  shirts. 


We  emphasize  a  complete  line  of  Thompson  Shoes 


FLYNN'S 


On  the  Campus 


Choicest  Turkish  and  Domestic  tobac- 
cos are  blended  in  Camels  .  .  .  suii- 
souked  tobaccos,  rich  with  the  delicate 
qualities  that  mean  more  pleasure  to 
the  expericncod  smoker.  The  distinc- 
tive fragrance  of  Camels  appeals  to 
the  person  who  has  smoked  around 
enough  to  know  the  dilTerence. 


If  you  note  a  conspicuous  dearth  of  horsefeathers  in 
the  things  we  say  about  Camel  Cigarettes,  you  can 
probably  guess  why.  Year  in  and  vear  out.  more  people 
smoke  Camels  than  any  other  cigarette.  Far  be  it  from 
us  to  gild  that  lily  ...  or  drape  a  blanket  of  blarney 
around  something  that  needs  no  elaboration.  All  we  can 
do  is  add  the  reason  —  a  reason  so  fundamental  that  it 
leaves  no  room  for  talking  back:  They  smoke  Camels 
because  they  like  them  better.  In  words  of  one  or  more 
syllables,  that  states  our  case  for  pleasure. 


,f3 


(J  <^.>^ 


^\.kir\  D  IXC 


Attractive  Coeds 


prefer  to 
dance  at.... 


COLLEGE 
HALL 


because  there  they 
find  the  congenial  at- 
mosphere created  by 
rhythmic  music.  Cam- 
pus co-eds  are  enthusi- 
astic in  their  praise  of 
the  unusual  entertain- 
ment provided  by 

FRANK  ZELL 

//  you  have  a  favorite  tune 
Frank  will  he  happy  to 
sing  it  for  you. 


College  Hall 


Fraternity  Number 


^' 


■  he    greatest    relief   ever 
experienced    since    vour    initiation    into    the 


y 


Caterpillar  Club    . 
that  really  SATISFY! 


cigarettes 


CHESTERFIELD 


yiilder 


.  .  ana   /M^      /  M/^r  /^j/i? 


©  1930.  Liggett  &  Myers  Tobacco  Co. 


The  SIREN 


She  was.... 
Disappointed! 


"Never  mind  Betty  Co-ed  the  pro- 
j*ranis  for  our  next  dance  will  be 
made  by  the  College  Publishers.  I'll 
put  in  the  order  tomorrow  at  606 
East  Green  street,  over  Bailey  & 
Himes.  You  shall  not  be  disappointed 
again." 


Eliminate  such  conversations  at  your 
next  house  dance  and  allow  us  to  de- 
sign your  dance  program  and  devise 
mood  Christmas  cards  for  you,  your 
house  or  your  what  not. 


We  not  only  design  dance  programs 
jrotn  the  appropriate  cover  to  the 
famous  last  lines  but  we  DEVISE  in- 
dividual Christmas  GREETINGS 
that  will  so  please  you  and  your 
friends  that  you  will  always  have 
them  designed  by  our  craftsmen. 

EVERYTHING  ORIGINAL 


College  Publishers 

Grace  Needham  Oliver  '24,  manager 


What  Next? 

"Could  yovi  tell  nic,  '  inquired  the  so-called  poppa, 
"Where  is  my  wandering  boy  tonight?" 

"Certainly,  sir,"  informed  our  hero.  "We  left  him  back 
at  the  eighth  hole  of  the  miniature  golf  course,  trying  to 
ihivi-  through  a  small  piece  of  rain  spout." 

"Ah,  woe  is  me,"  cried  the  poor  man.  "Where  will  he 
next  try  to  drive  that  Austin  I  bought  him!" 

— Pitt  Ptuithcr. 

kap/ia  Sigma    Tau 

"To  what,"  said  the  nice  old  lady,  "do  you  owe  your  re- 
markable agility,  your  faculty  of  self-protection,  and  your 
cat-like  grace  on  your  feet?" 

"I  was,"  replied  the  successful  but  young  pugilist,  "call- 
boy  in  a  traternit\-  house  for  one  year." 

— IVabash  Caveinaii. 

Phi  Sigma  Sigma 

fVas  there  no  escape?  No  one  would  hear  her  even  if 
she  did  scream.  Must  she  submit  to  his  demandsf  She  had 
thought  she  would  be  safe  in  the  privacy  of  her  boudoir, 
but  the  fiend  had  pursued  her  even  there.  There  was  but 
one  thing  to  do.  She  must  make  the  best  of  it.  Others  had 
succeeded  in  forcing  her  to  do  their  will,  but  they  at  least 
had  had  a  glittering  personality,  and  this  brute  possessed 
nothing.  He  had  had  the  temerity  to  offer  her  a  mere  hun- 
dred dollars.  Others  had  offered  more,  but  she  had  scorned 
them.  Times  were  hard,  and  money  was  scarce,  so  she  said, 
"All  right.  I'll  endorse  your  cigarettes,  but  you're  getting 
it  damned  cheap  considering  my  reputation!  " 

— Penn  State  Prater. 

Lambda  Alpha  Lambda 

"Aw  Nell,  Nell,  you  wouldn't  do  this  to  me,  would 
you?  You  wouldn't  treat  me  this  way,  would  you?  After 
all  that's  passed  between  us.  And  I've  done  so  much  for 
you.  Why  you  couldn't  leave  me  this  way!  Nell,  tell  me 
you  don't  mean  it!  Ya  ain't  playactin'  are  you,  Nell?" 

"Huh?"  — California  Pelican. 

Tau  Delta  Phi 

Magazine  Agent:    Is  the  lady  of  the  house  home? 
Maid  :     No ;  come  right  in.  — Red  Cat. 

Phi  Alpha  Delta 


"You  remind  me  of  a  Packard  motor.' 
"Because  I  am  so  strong  and  silent?" 
"No,  because  you  idle  so  easily." 

Delta  Alpha  Pi 


-Lampoon. 


Voice  from  the  darkness:     "Help,  thief!" 

Passing  hold-up  man:     "Sure,  I'll  help!" — Lampoon. 

Theta  Alpha 


Fraternity  Number 


/^  <k^.^^^^  ' 


In    case    you    think 

that   purchasing 
merely  means  iinying 


Back  and  forth  across  four  states  traveled  a  Western  Electric  man — 
out  to  secure  one  particular  kind  of  tree  for  telephone  poles.  CL  Month 

after  month  he  checked  quantity  and  quality  of  timber,  means  and  cost  of  transportation, 

the  labor  situation, value  of  stumpage,      -*?-^*        ^:^jl^ 


prices.  Not  until  every  point 


Western  Jf J     >>>--''^ii 


was  settled  satisfactorily  did  Western  '^3^  '**>^-^'l£r^^  Electric  buy  a  single  pole. 
CL  Purchasing  all  the  Bell  System  uses  is  a  vast  and  fascinating  task.  It  requires  keen 
judgment,  extensive  research,  scientific  planning.  Western  Electric  continually  searches 
the  whole  world  to  make  sure  of  adequate  sources  of  supply. 
CThis  is  just  one  of  its  many  responsibilities  in  the  Bell  System. 

Western  Etectric 

Manufacturers  .  Purchasers.. .  ^distributors 


SINCE     1882     FOR    )^»t      lUE     BELL    SYSTEM 


The  SIREN 


Edilor-in-Cliief 
Business  Manager 


I.ars    Halvorsen Make-Up   Editor 

Marion   Irrmann Exchange  Editor 

Alice    Ireland Literary  Editor 

Lou  Ruskin Art  Editor 

Harold    Bowen Assistant  Art  Editor 

Dick  Hagan,  Charles  Jacobson,  Sidney  Turner,  Vladas  Jurgelonis,  H.  E.  Nelson,  Margaret 
lletzner,  Josephine  Gallowav,  Dorothy  Pelzer,  Tom  Powers,  Bill  Kapplc,  Eleanor  Dolliiis,  Henry 
Avery,  O.  Becker.  Martha  Righter,  Douglas  Frost,  Geneva  Hitt,  Clifford  McCartin,  Ed  Malley, 
Marion  Peterson,  Hal  Jewell,  David  Jones,  Helen  Clarton,  Helen  Hauorth. 

Business  Staff 

W.  O.  Edivards 4dv.  Mgr.  John  McCormick Asst.  Cir.  Mgr. 

M.  E.  Ciosnell Asst.  Adv.  Mgr.  Virginia  Edes -Isst.  Cir.  Mgr. 

Joe  Gallentine Circulation  Mgr.  William  Zoller Collection  Mgr. 

Grace  Keiser,  Helen  DeHaven,  Wilma   Haeger,   Hanna  Friedmann,   Mary  Joan   Bunting,  Raene 
Kendal!,    Dorothy   Herron,   \'irginia   Morton^ 

Published  monthly  by  the  Illini  Publishing  Company,  University  of  Illinois,  during  the  college  year. 
Entered  as  second-class  matter  at  the  Post-Office  at  Urbana,  Illinois,  bv  act  of  Congress.  March  3.  1879. 
Office  of  publication,  Illini  Publishing  Company.  Subscription  price  ^1.00  the  year.  Address  all  com- 
luinications.  Illinois  Union  Building,  Champaign,  Illinois.  Copyright,  1930,  hy  The  Siren.  Exclusive  reprint 
ights  granted  to  (mgeHUnOr  magazine. 


Contents 


COVER Harold    Bozren 

Cartoon,  by  Lou  Ruskin 6 

Madame  X  Says 7 

My  Book  of  Hims,  by  Jl  Nicss 16 

Do  You  Know — ,  by  (Jhnr/rs  Jacobson 17 

Coining  Di.stractions,  by  Catherine  Haynie 18 


Fraternity  Number 


The  Greek  Situation 

In  our  recent  investigations  into  the  moral  side  of  fraternity  life  we  have  discovered  a  decided  lax- 
ness  among  Greek  actives,  probably  decided  after  due  consideration.  What  agencies  have  been  responsible 
for  this  state  of  affairs  and  what  means  can  be  taken  to  remedy  the  situation  have  called  forth  this  editorial. 

We  have  noticed  that  bars  have  sprung  into  increased  popularity  during  the  last  few  years  among 
the  organized  men.  In  that  one  fact  we  see  undisputable  evidence  of  the  influence  of  the  Main  Stein 
song.  "A  bar  in  every  room"  has  come  to  be  the  slogan  of  many  a  prominent  Greek  house,  and  the  motto 
does  not  refer  to  cakes  of  soap. 

Another  contributing  cause  to  the  moral  downfall  appears  to  be  in  the  harmless  appearing  loving  cup 
which  adorns  house  mantles.  We  have  found  that  students  of  economics,  irritated  by  the  lack  of  utility 
apparent  in  them,  have  taken  up  the  habit  of  smoking  in  order  to  assign  some  use  to  the  cups  as  receptacles 
for  tobacco  ashes. 

As  a  means  of  combating  the  growing  evils,  we  suggest  that  other  houses  follow  the  excellent  example 
already  established  by  some — that  of  scratching  or  otherwise  mutilating  records  of  Rudy  Valee's  master- 
piece so  that  when  played,  the  hic-hic  and  frequent  lack  of  coherency  will  have  a  moralizing  effect  on  the 
brethern. 

So  far  as  the  cup  proposition  goes  we  would  advocate  the  practice  of  presenting  cups,  if  at  all,  only  if 
they  had  lids.  The  extra  effort  involved  in  lifting  this  cover  would  deter  all  but  the  most  energetic  from 
the  insiduous  practice  of  dumping  cigarette  ashes  into  the  trophies. 

We  feel  that  various  other  solutions,  equally  absurd  and  effective,  could  be  advanced  to  cope  with 
this  enigma.  But  one  which  is  unquestionably  efficient  is  this — buy  a  copy  of  the  SIRE\,  read  it,  and 
have  no  time  for  petty  misdeamors. 


^ 


On  Serenades 

We  wouldn't  discourage  fraternities  from  serenading  for  anything  in  the  world,  but  after  all,  there  is 
a  limit  to  what  any  sorority  will  stand  when  the  would-be  Lawrence  Tibbetts  come  crooning  'neath  the 
dorm  windows  of  an  evening,  even  the  most  sentimentally  inclined  young  ladies  are  apt  to  be  more  than 
a  trifle  irritated  at  losing  their  beauty  sleep.  And  so  we  view  with  alarm  the  degeneration  of  what  must 
have  once  been  a  beautifully  romantic  custom,  and  which  has  come  to  be  received  in  this  coldly  realistic 
age  with  only  polite  enthusiasm. 

However,  we  do  want  to  help  these  poor  benighted  lads  who  are  trying  to  express  the  music  in  their 
souls,  but  whose  harmony  is  so  close  that,  as  a  famous  literary  light  has  put  it,  "it  is  betimes  a  bit  stuffy." 
And  in  our  earnest  endeavor  to  help  them,  we  are  taking  this  opportunity  to  drop  encouraging  little  hints, 
which  we  are  sure  will  be  of  great  value. 

To  begin  with,  won't  they  please,  oh,  please  refrain  from  bursting  into  a  sprightly  version  of  that 
old  favorite,  "Pull  Your  Shades  Down,  Mary  Ann!"  Imagine  thinking  romantic  thoughts  when  the  boys 
are  gayly  caroling  about  a  lady  whom  we  all  know  had  false  teeth,  and,  (we  blush  for  her) — a  wig!  And 
then  they  proceed  to  follow  it  up  with  "Exactly  Like  You"  or  some  such  charming  number.  Grave  atten- 
tion simply  must  be  taken  in  choosing  likely  numbers,  and  may  we  suggest  something  like  Mendelssohn's 
"Song  Without  Words?" 

We  come  now  to  the  keynote  of  a  successful  serenade,  about  which  so  many  fraternities  are  shame- 
fully ignorant.  It  is  the  undeniable  fact  that  really  to  put  their  songs  over,  a  pipe  organ  is  practically  in- 
dispensable, both  in  keeping  them  in  tune,  (that  itself  would  be  a  tremendous  improvement),  and  in  add- 
ing a  culture  and  dignity  to  the  whole  performance. 

Accept  this  gentle  criticism,  dear  serenaders,  in  the  helpful  spirit  in  which  we  give  it,  and  take  this  as 
our  last  bit  of  sound  advice — stop  singing  altogether. 


The  SIREN 


,^ 


. :  >^^^4^^'         ^^-^-^-^  •  > 

FRATERNITIES  IN  2000  A.  D. 
First  rushee:    "Say,  bo,  where  ya  goin'?'^ 

Second  soak:    "Don't  knoiv  yet,  but  if  a  south  wind  comes  up 
I'll  probably  land  Theta  Xi." 


Fraternity  Number 


Madame  X  says  — 


We  have  in  our  possession  a  paper 
written  by  a  young  lady,  after  she 
was  informed  what  this  page  would 
consist  of.  It  reads,  "I  would  like 
to  rate  the  Madame  X  page.  Elsie 
Searing  Moore."  Now  Elsie  if  you 
will  go  out  and  make  history  we  will 
be  glad  to  become  historical. 

Gamma  Pi  Vpsilon 

It  is  rumored  that  the  Sig  Alfs 
are  paying  one  buck  to  certain  of 
their  members  to  run  around  the 
balcony  of  their  house  three  times. 

Phi  Kappa  Phi 

This  is  absolutely  a  true  story. 
Eddie  Baldwin,  over  at  the  Triangle 
house,  spent  his  summer  at  Camp 
Custer.  As  the  story  goes,  Eddie 
and  a  certain  captain  both  had  dates 
with  a  certain  little  girl  for  the  same 
night.  Neither  one  would  give  her 
up,  so  they  both  prepared  for  the  big 
event.  The  captain  squirted  himself 
generously  with  strong  perfume,  and 
the  boys,  thinking  that  Eddie's  toil- 
ette lacked  something,  smeared  his 
hat  with  limberger  cheese. 

The  two  went  off  together,  and 
when  they  met  her  swinging  on  the 
garden  gate,  she  wanted  to  know 
what  on  earth  smelled  so.  The  cap- 
tain, thinking  it  was  his  perfume  she 
meant,  volunteered  that  he  did.  So 
Eddie  got  the  date ;  and  when  they 
were  seated  comfortably  in  the 
theatre,  she  leaned  over  and  whisper- 
ed in  his  ear,  "Phew,  I  can  still 
smell  that  captain." 

Siyiiia  Alpha  Epsilon 

*  ''The  above  won  the  two  tickets 
to  the  R.  K.  O.  Virginia.  If  the 
writer  of  the  above  will  come  into 
the  Siren  office,  his  tickets  will  be 
waiting  for  him. 

Cosmopolitan   Club 

Mr.  Horner,  in  discussing  the 
beautiful  Delta  Zetas,  remarks,  that 
although  he  has  never  dated  one  he 
can  at  least  SEE  them.  This  state- 
ment seems  rather  trite  to  us  in  that 
Mr.  Horner  is  a  Kappa  Sig,  with  a 
room  on  the  third  floor  opposite  the 
D.  Z.  house. 

Sigma  Alpha  Mu 


A  certain  Beta  by  the  name  of 
Mr.  Duncan,  explains  that  he  is 
going  to  take  Peg  Parker  to  all  the 
campus  dances,  because  he  likes  Peg 
in  a  formal.  My,  my,  what  foresight 
these  Betas  do  have ! 

-     Omicron  Alpha  Tau 

Bob  Carter,  Sig  Pi,  is  taking  As- 
tronomy 1  because  he  heard  that  one 
evening  a  week  is  spent  on  the  South 
Campus  star  gazing.  Bob,  you 
weren't  born  yesterday! 

Kappa  Theta  Sigma 

Bob  Lott,  Beta,  turned  to  painting 
about  two  days  before  school.  It 
seems  he  met  JVIiss  Patten,  D.  Z., 
and  after  an  acquaintanceship  of  a 
few  hours,  went  over  to  the  D.  Z. 
house  after  supper  and  helped  Miss 
Patten  paint  her  room  blue  (and  the 
town  red). 

Kappa  Zcta  Rho 

While  we  are  speaking  of  Miss 
Patten,  maybe  she  would  be  kind 
enough  to  explain  what  she  did  w'ith 
that  chewing  tobacco,  the  Chester- 
field salesman  gave  to  her. 

Theta  Kappa  Phi 


Madame  X  Will  Give 

two  tickets  to 
The  R.  K.  O.  Virginia 

lor  the  best  contribution  printed  on 
tliis   page   in   the   next   issue. 

Put  contributions  in  the  Siren  box 
under  tlie  steps  on  the  first  floor  of 
Ini.  Hall.  All  names  of  contributors 
\iill   be   kept  in   secrecy. 


Do  you  know  Helen  Struggles 
over  at  the  Chi  O  house  ?  No  ? 
Well  we  can't  blame  you;  it  doesn't 
sound  like  a  Chi  O. 

Gamma  Eta  Gamma 

Mr.  Brigham,  Beta,  would  have 
his  brothers,  and  the  general  public 
know  that  he  will  undoubtedly  be  the 
next  student  colonel.  Colonel  Brig- 
ham,  we  salute  you! 

Alpha  Kappa  Lambda 


A  few  evenings  ago,  Miss 
Louisan  Mamer,  noted  woman's 
editor  of  the  Illini,  was  seen  with 
three  very  prominent  young  men, 
both  at  the  R.  K.  O.  Virginia  and  at 
the  Roof.  All  three  young  men 
seemed  very  happy  and  content.  This, 
we  think,  not  only  entitles  Miss 
Mamer  to  be  Woman's  Editor  of  the 
Illini,  but  gives  her  sufficient  back- 
ground to  also  write  a  column  for 
the  love-lorn,  of  which  two  Chi  Os, 
who  were  supposed  to  be  \\ith  two 
of  the  said  gentlemen,  should  be  in- 
terested readers. 


-Trianglc- 


If  you  tickle  "B"  Stevens,  her 
glasses  drop  off! 

Sigma  Delta  Kappa 

May  we  congratulate  Art  Nau- 
man,  Sig  Ep,  now  known  as  the 
sweetheart  of  Gamma  Fi ;  who  with- 
in the  first  three  weeks  of  school,  has 
broken  four  of  the  sistern's  hearts. 

Delta  Phi  Epsilon 

There  is  really  no  time  like  the 
present  to  tell  you  of  the  kindness 
with  which  our  President  treats  poor 
dumb  animals. 

It  was  like  this!  Pres.  Chase  was 
coming  to  work  one  morning.  Closely 
following  him  was  a  dog,  also  a  part 
of  the  'the  chase,'  who  wagged  his 
tail  at  every  kind  word  of  the  Pres. 
They  entered  the  Administration 
building,  and  Pres.  Chase,  being  in  a 
hurry  to  get  to  work,  jumped  quickly 
into  the  elevator,  lea\ing  said  pup 
in  the  rear. 

After  several  minutes  of  waiting, 
the  pup  decided  to  let  the  general 
public  know  of  his  poor  treatment. 
Without  further  delay  he  voiced  his 
woe  in  loud  accents,  commonly 
known  as  howling.  Pres.  Chase, 
hearing  the  familiar  voice,  came  out 
of  his  office,  called  the  pup,  who  ran 
up  the  stairs  to  the  happy  reunion. 
The  Pres.  in  going  out  to  meet  the 
pup  however,  went  to  the  dogs ! 

Sigma  Phi  Beta 

There  is  a  cute  little  red-head  fre- 
quenting the  lawn  of  the  Phi  Delt 
hovel.  From  the  way  she  plays 
croquet  we  have  a  faint  suspicion 
that  she  is  an  Alpha  Fie. 

Alpha  Lambda  Tau 

(Continued  on  Page  20) 


The  SIREN 


Interviewing    the    Great 
Professor    Spalding 

"Oh:  Professor  Spaliliiijj,  may  1 
see  you  for  a  moment?  I  must  inter- 
view you  for  the  Siren." 

"Indeed  you  may,"  cried  the  great 
man  as  he  walked  off  the  screen  and 
onto  the  back  of  the  stage.  "Hut  why 
not  have  a  riverview  instead ;  person- 
ally I  like  wet  parties." 

"To  begin  with,  Professor,  what 
do  you  think  of  the  foreign  situa- 
tion?" 

"Any  situation  is  foreign  to  most 
people,"  came  back  Groucho,  quick 
as  a  flask.  "Hut  there  is  one  foreign 
situation  that  demands  the  undivided 
attention  to  both  sexes,  and  that  is 
the  banana  situation.  The  banana  is 
a  constant  danger  for  it  has  appeal, 
appeal  that  sweeps  you  off  your  feet 
and  leaves  you  downhearted  for  days 
on  end.  I  have  yet  to  see  the  person 
that  falls  downstairs  and  enjoys  the 
trip,  which  all  goes  to  show  that  one 
cannot  trifle  with  a  banana  and  come 
off  unscathed. 

I  must  be  off  now  for  my  sauer- 
kraut awaits  without — why  do  I  say 
sauerkraut?  Because  it  is  not  the  cab- 
age.  I'll  tell  that  to  the  king; 
maybe  he'll  knight  me.  If  he  socks 
me  I'll  be  a  Knight  of  the  Garter." 

With  that  the  great  man  dashed 
ovit  of  the  door  holding  himself  at 
arm's  length. 

Thcta  Kappa  Nil 


Farm  Propaganda 

A  discussion  was  in  progress  dur- 
ing the  recent  class  elections.  Says 
a  Psi  U :  "Yea,  Holstein  from  the 
house  is  nominated  for  sophomore 
presidency."  "Well,  well,"  comes 
back  a  Phi  Gam,  "I  always  thought 
you  were  running  a  barn  over  there." 

Thcta  V psil'Jii   Oiiui/a 

Cheek 

First  Greek:  "Sorry  to  keep  you 
naitiiu/,  old  thing,  hut  you  knoiv  ice 
Here  having  house  meeting." 

Second  disorganized:  "Yea,  I  just 
got  out  of  a  hull  session  too." 

■ Phi  Sigma  Kappa 

Grid  Minded 

Ask  a  modern  college  student  to 
tell  you  about  Shakespeare's  plays, 
and  he'll  ask  you  what  school  he 
coaches,  and  what  teams  they  play. 

Delta  Kappa  Epsilon 

Did  you  ever  stop  to  think  that  a 
really  intelligent  girl  never  looks  in- 
telligent because  she's  intelligent 
enough  not  to? 

Gamma  Phi  Beta 

They  tell  me  a  bigamist  is  a  man 
who  makes  the  same  mistake  twice. 
Perhaps  he  is  an  optimist. 

Zeta  Psi 


A  REAL  SCOTCHMAN 

A  Scotchman  in  church,  when  the 
plate  was  passed  around,  dropped 
into  it  a  five-dollar  gold  piece  in- 
stead of  a  quarter.  He  reached  to 
take  it  back,  but  the  plate  had  gone 
by,  so  he  said,  disgustingly:  "Aw,  to 
hell  with  it;  it's  for  the  church!" 

Delta  Alpha  Epsilon 

Pledgie   had    a   little   lam; 

It  pained  him,  so  he  blurted  : 
"I   never  will  be  bad  again, 

'Cause   active's  paddle   hurted! 

Delta  Zeta 


"an  Ah  still  maintains  it  was  Lily  ob  de  Valley" 


What  is  really  said  in  a  term  report 

Sonny  Gets  a  Letter 

Dear  Son : 

I  was  extremely  sorry  to  hear  of 
the  trouble  you  are  having  with  your 
eyes.  I  have  been  wondering  about 
you.  It  was  only  last  night  that  I 
said  to  your  mother,  "It's  about  time 
Junior  was  having  some  trouble  with 
his  eyes.  He  hasn't  been  bothered 
since  last  February." 

I  think  it  would  be  advisable  to 
consult  a  good  doctor  there  at  school. 
I  really  don't  think  these  doctors 
here  know  much.  Every  one  of  the 
five  times  you  have  had  to  come  home 
they  have  said  that  there  was  nothing 
the  matter,  and  you  ought  to  know 
if  there  is  something  the  matter  with 
your  own  eyes,  oughtn't  you? 

Your  mother  says  you  may  bring 
your  roommate  home  with  you  for 
the  holidays  if  you  want  to.  How- 
ever, remember  that  you  have  brought 
roommates  home  before  and  spare  us 
the  press  agent  material.  Save  it  for 
the  village  damozels.  You  will  have 
the  use  of  the  car,  and  I  will  see 
what  I  can  do  about  having  plenty  of 
hot  water. 

We  are  still  living  on  Main  street. 
Your  Dad. 

Theta    Upsilon 


Fraternity  Number 


ENLIGHTMENT 

Shades  of  night  were  falling,  much  to  my  regret,  as  I 
strolled  leisurely  and  alertly  along  sorority  row  in  this 
strange  and  unfamiliar  college  town.  One  after  another,  as 
light  after  light  flooded  respective  rooms,  the  shades  fell, 
shutting  off  the  streams  of  yellow  rays  which  had  previously 
guided  my  eyes  on  the  upward  paths. 

From  the  Kappa  Delts  to  the  Thetas  all  curtains  were 
drawn  as  lights  went  on.  Were  these  the  homes  of  co-eds? 
I  asked  myself  wonderingly.  I  could  scarcely  believe  the 
actualities.  How  different  they  were  from  the  sororities  of 
my  home  university  where  everything  had  been  so  demo- 
cratic and  free!  My  faith  in  womankind  was  being  severely 
shaken  but  refusing  to  become  discouraged,  I  continued  on 
my  what  appeared  to  be  fruitless  task. 

While  engrossed  in  my  search,  an  elderly  lady  accosted 
me  with  a  "My  good  man,  it  seems  to  me  that  you  are 
unduly  interested  in  our  sororities?"  "No,  madam,"  I 
answered,  catching  sight  of  and  starting  toward  an  unveiled 
window  on  the  second  floor  of  the  Pify  house  and  realizing 
that  at  last  my  search  was  to  be  rewarded,  "I  am  merely 
seeking  for  the  light." 

Alfha  Chi  Rho 

A  girl  used  to  look  up  a  fellow's  rating  in  the  social 
Blue  Book;  now  she  looks  it  up  in  the  income  tax  reports. 

Theta  Chi 

Scientists  have  just  disclosed  that  bees  travel  300,000 
miles  to  collect  a  pound  of  honey.  The  American  tourist 
does  double  that  to  collect  a  bag  full  of  stickers. 

Beta  Phi  Alt>ha 

The  world  trusts  a  man  who  admits  he  likes  onions. 

Tau  Delia   Tau 


The  A.  K.  L.  sinokins,  drinking;  and  swearing  room 

In  the  Rock  Gardens 

Gamma  Phi  blonde:    hti't  that  a  beautiful  butterfly  on 
my  knee:  it  must  think  I'm  a  flower." 

T.  U.  O.:    "That's  no  butterfly,  that's  a  horsefly." 

■ Latnbda  Chi  Jl/'ha 


Doc:     "Now  read  the  letters  on  that  chart." 
':i4  (after  many  vain  attempts  to  get  out  of  militar.v):  "What 
chart?" 


Delta  Siijma  Lambda 

From  the  Lips  of  the  Famous 

'Who  the  hell  wants  to  get  married  unless  he  wants  to?" 
— //.  L.  Mencken. 


'So  we  took  the  fifty  thousand- 


-Jackson  and  O' Brine 


"I  believe  Washington,  Lincoln,  and  Hoover  to  be  the 
three  greatest  presidents:  Washington  freed  our  country, 
Lincoln  freed  the  slaves,  and  Hoover  freed  the  working 
man."  — Jf'iU  Rogers. 


"America  needs  an  ambassador  of  good  will.  Why  not 
elect  'Good  Will  Rogers' ;  the  Illiterate  Digest  will  gladly 
conduct  the  polls."  — Herbie  Hoover. 


"While  in  Rome,  do  the  Romans."    — Ben  Mussolini. 


"The  economic  situation   is  not   alarming." 

—John  D.  Rockefeller. 


"I'm  an  atheist,  thank  God." 


— Gandhi 


"Men  still  appreciate  art  and  beauty — especially  beauty." 
— i\Iary  Jane  Caldivell. 


"It's  a  shame  the  way  idols  of  American  slang  have  ap- 
plied the  dignified  nautical  term  'three  decker'  to  sand- 
wiches." —  Gar  Wood. 


"It's  the  cut  that  counts." 


Any  Bootlegger. 


"The  Siren  still  holds  its  rank  in  the  line  of  America's 
humor."  — The  Staff  (Rank  is  right). 


"Modern  humor  is  vile." 

Beta   Theta  Pi- 


-The  Editor. 


10 


The  SIREN 


only  man  who  has  ever  snubbed  the  Thetas 
and  sot  away  with  it 


S'nuff 


girl 


"MissMinumff,    Jack,    th 
introduced  y'to  at  h'sdance." 

"Sure.  I  'memberyu — swellookiii' 
blonde  'nblack." 

"Oyeuh?   Didjulikit?" 

"Y'r  swell   dancer  too." 

"Y'rnot  goofin'  me  huh?" 

"Musics  lousy — S'terrible." 

"S'awfull." 

"Havasmoke?" 

"Dyintu.    Camel?" 

"Nope.    Smoke  any  given  brand." 

"Crakinwise.  huh.   S'old." 

"S'tunes  swell.    Dance?" 

"Don't  be  sil'  ". 

"O.  K." 

"Beseeinyu." 

"Cernly.    S'pleasure." 

lilts    Fraternity 

You'll  have  to  admit  that  these 
neic  hats  the  ijirls  are  irrarint/  are 
the  berets. 

Beta  Psi 


DAPHNE  AND  MERCURY 

FREDDIE  was  a 

TEKE,  but  he  knew  he 

COULD  live  that  down 

SO   his   date — a 

PIFI— and  he 

ENTERED  into  a 

L(^NG  discussion   about 

ALL  Tekes ;  he 

SAID:     "We  are  just 

TOO   great!" 

WHEREUPON   our 

ITTIE-BITTIE  pifi  answered, 

(IN  THAT  WAY) :   "Name  the 

TWO !" 

Delta   Tau  Delta 

And  then  a  prune  is  nothing  more 
than  a  plum  that  has  had  a  secret 
sorrow  which  made  it  wrinkle  young. 

Phi  Mu 

A  dumb  co-ed  is  one  ivho  thinks 
that  "hanging  a  /'in"  is  a  zvash- 
iLomnn's  job. 

Alj^ha    (raiiinia   Delta 


Owed  to  an  Iceman 

I'm  old  and  cramped, 
My  spirits  damped, 
I  think  of  days  gone  by. 
When  men  were  bold, 
.Arid   ice  stayed   cold 
From  May  until  July. 

Oh  man  of  mine — 

His  lips  were  wine 

When  on  me  he  did  call. 

Those  secret  hours 

Beneath  my  bowers — 

He  seemed  so  strong  and  tall. 

Those  days  are  done, 

Old  age  has  come. 

My  life  I've  lived,  no  doubt. 

I've  lost  appeal, 

My  life's  not  real — 

My  ice  man  left  his  route. 

— — Alpha  Chi  Omega 

DIAMONDS  FOR   LOVE 

The  two  were  seated  there  deathly 
still,  eyes  peering  into  each  other's. 
In  their  five  years  of  married  life 
they  had  often  been  this  way ;  he,  a 
bit  afraid  and  worried,  realizing  that 
his  next  move  might  mean  the  end  of 
all  their  happiness;  she,  tense, 
nervous,  waiting.  He  stared  straight 
ahead,  knowing  that  her  eyes  were 
boring  into  his,  trying — oh,  trying 
very  hard — to  help  him,  yet  she  could 
do  nothing.  He  could  wait  no 
longer.  Whether  it  meant  the  end 
of  everything  or  not  he  had  to  act. 
He  looked  straight  at  her  for  one 
last  moment,  as  if  to  gather  a  bit  of 
courage  for  the  word  he  was  about 
to  speak,  then  whispered,  "Five 
Diamonds"  and  the  bid  was  theirs. 

Alpha   Delta    Theta 


Worm's  eye  view  of  the  Roclt  (iardens 


Fraternity  Number 


11 


the  work  accoiiiplislied  while  i>tu().viiig 
with  an  Alpha  Plii 


Dedicated  to  the  Freshmen 

Little  Jacic  Horner 

Sat  in  a  corner, 

Necking  an  A.  D.  Pi. 

He  begged  for  a  kiss 

From   this  big-hearted  miss, 

Then  said,  "What  a  smart  boy  am  1 !" 

Kappa  Sigma 

The  Thomas  Edison  Test  for 
Frat  Pledges 

Practical 

1.  If  you  were  walking  down  Wright  street  at  3  a.  m. 
with  a  Pify  on  one  arm  and  a  Chio  on  the  other  and  your 
belt  suddenly  broke,  what  would  you  do?  Think  carefully; 
which  is  most  important  at  3  in  the  twilight,  a  Pify,  Chio, 
or  a  belt?  Answer  briefly  and  come  right  out  with  the 
truth  (you  dirty  brute). 

2.  If  you  were  studying  (  a  hypothetical  set-up)  in  the 
Rock  Garden  with  the  moon  overhead  and  about  half  under 
the  belt  and  you  caught  the  night  watchman  and  the  boiler 
stoker  necking  with  the  former's  daughter  in  the  engine 
room,  what  would  you  do?  Keep  on  studying,  make  a 
proposition  with  the  boiler  stoker  to  get  up  steam  in  the 
boiler,  or  sell  the  night  watchman  a  day  bed?  Think  of 
the  position  of  each  man,  including  yourself,  and  decide. 

3.  Suppose  that  shnoogle  rooms  were  installed  in  the 
fifth  floor  of  Uny  Hall.  Figuring  three  co-eds  and  a  Sig 
Chi  in  each  of  ten  rooms,  calculate  the  stress  on  the  east 
beams.  Range  your  figures  on  a  chart  in  order  from  10  at 
night  to  4  in  the  a.  m.  An  extension  may  be  needed  on  the 
chart  about  2  o'clock. 

4.  (a)  Suppose  that  all  the  windows  in  the  university 
were  to  be  suddenly  painted  black  at  noon  on  Friday. 
Would  all  the  absent  minded  professors  returning  to  their 
afternoon  classes  think  that  night  had  fallen  and  return 
home  ?  Be  tolerant  and  put  your  self  in  place  of  a  professor 
for  a  moment,  what  would  you  do? 

(b)  If  there  were  A.  D.  Pis  in  the  rooms  at  the  time 
would  the  reactions  be  any  different?     Why  not? 

Phi  Delta   Theta 


SHORT  ROMANCE 

PLAY  IN  ONE  ACT 

A  forlorn  appearing,  poorly  dressed  girl,  sitting  on  a 
park  bench.     Artist  approaches  and  notices  her. 

Artist:     "Would  you  care  for  a  job?" 

Girl:     "Yes,  what  sort  of  a  job?" 

A.:    "Nothing  serious.    I  want  you  to  model  for  me." 

G. :  "Oh!  but  my  dear  sir,  what  would  my  poor 
mother  say?" 

A.:  "No,  I  don't  mean  that!  I  want  to  draw  a  picture 
of  a  steamship  going  up  the  Chicago  River." 

G. :     "Yes,  but  what  am  I  to  do?" 

A. :  "Well,  you  stand  in  a  tub  of  hot  water  while  I 
paint  the  picture." 

G. :  (Looking  romantically  into  his  eyes)  "Do  you 
mean  that?" 

A.:  "Gee,  but  you're  beautiful!  I  didn't  realize  it 
until  I  thought  of  that  steamship." 


"You're  wonderful." 
'I  love  you." 
"I  love  you." 

They  get  married. 
(Curtain) 

Alpha   Rho    Chi- 


\ 

Portrait  of  a  co-ed  without  any  visible  means  of  support 


12 


The  SIREN 


Family   Relief 

Kverything  seemtHl  nice  ami  calm  tliis  niorniii";.  W'hcii 
mother  came  downstairs,  the  rooms  were  not  all  upset  ami 
the  door  was  not  half-ajar  (it  was  a  whole  jar)  nor  were 
the  milk,  bottles  tipped  over  by  some  one  who  stumbled  up 
against  the  doorway.  Things  weren't  recklessly  strewn 
about  upon  the  chairs  and  floor.  No  one  was  disturbed 
early  in  the  a.  m.  by  .sounds  as  of  burglars  breaking  into  the 
house,  and  lights  in  neighbor's  windows  were  not  turruil  on 
in  curiosity  to  see  what  was  happening.  Kven  when  the 
phone  rang  mother  was  not  worried,  and  answered  it 
calmly,  for  she  had  looked  in  the  garage  and  seen  that  the 
car  was  safely  stored  inside.  Everything  was  calm  and 
quiet,  everything  was  back  to  normal.  Junior  had  returned 
to  college  yesterday. 

Psi    I  'psi/n„ 

Absent-minded  travelling  salesman  (calling  wife  on 
phone):  "Hello,  honey!  Just  arrived  in  town;  how  about 
a  little  party?" 

l)(ltii   Cltiiiiiiiii 


Dustiii;;  olT  the   lioiiic  plate 


College  A  B  Cs 

(Selected  lessons  from  the  new  Primer  for  Rhetoric  00 
by  Herr  Naphtha,  designed  not  only  to  instruct  the  student 
in  an  easy  way  in  the  rudiments  of  our  language,   but  to  i 
give  novel  facts  and  subtle  ideas  so  as  to  piqque  the  curiosity 

aiul  srinnilatc  the  cerebrum.) 

Lessox  VII 
\rji/ns,   I'l  fjnouns.  Adjectives,  Pins 

The  student  should  look  up  the  pronunciation  and 
meaning  of  every  word  in  the  following  sentences  before 
coming  to  class.  (To  teacher:  a  dramatic  effect,  giving 
instructive  amusement  to  the  entire  class,  may  be  obtained 
by  having  two  pupils  read  the  sentences  alternately). 

Look  at  the  young  man. 

The  name  of  the  yovnig  man  is  Joe. 

Joe  is  wearing  a  pin. 

Why  does  the  young  man  wear  a  pin  ? 

He  wears  a  pin  because  he  is  in  a  fra-ter'ni-ty. 

What  is  a  fra-ter'ni-ty? 

A  fra-ter'ni-ty  is  a  big,  brick  house. 

Why  is  Joe  in  a  fra-tcr'ni-ty?? 

There  are  many  other  young  men  in  the  fra-ter'ni-ty 
whom  Joe  loves. 

Why  does  Joe  love  these  other  young  men  ?  ? 

Because  they  are  fra-ter'ni-ty  bro-thers  and  have  clean 
shirts  when  Joe  has  none. 

Joe's  fra-ter'ni-ty  is  bigger  and  better. 

It  is  bigger  and  better  because  it  is  at  Il-li-nois'. 

Why  did  Joe  join  this  par-tic'u-lar  fra-ter'ni-ty? 

The  Al-might'y  De'i-ty  knows ;  Joe  does  not. 

Lesson  MCXLVIII 

!  crbs,  Prepositions,  Roadsters,  Cokes,  (^conjunctions 

See  the  pretty  girl  in  the  au-to-mo'bile. 

She  has  a  cig-a-rette'  in  her  mouth. 

The  name  of  the  pretty  girl  in  the  au-to-mo'bile  with 
the  cig-a-rette'  in  her  mouth  is  Bet-ty. 

Betty  is  wearing  a  so-ror'i-ty  pin,  and  she  attends  a 
co-cd-u-ca'tion-al  in-sti-tu'tion. 

Betty's  so-ror'i-ty  pledged  four-teen  fur  coats  and  six 
sport  road-sters  this  fall. 

Is  Betty  a  co-ed  ? 

A-las,  yes.     But  it  is  her  road-ster. 

Is  Betty  a  good  girl? 
She  is  not.     She  is  going  to  drive  her  au-to-mo'bile  with- 
out the  per-mis'sion  of  the  U-ni-ver'si-ty  of  Il-li-nois'. 

Oh  look!  Who  is  this  about  to  get  into  the  car  with 
Betty? 

It  is  Joe,  one  of  the  leading  men  on  the  cam-pus. 

Are  Betty  and  Joe  going  to  ride  in  Betty's  road-ster? 

Yes,  is  it  not  a  beau'ti-ful  job? 

Why  are  they  going  riding? 

May-be  to  study  their  History  lesson;  but  we  shall  not 
go  into  that  now. 

Phi  Kappa 


Fraternity  Number 


13 


Cokensmoke 

It  nuist  be  swell  not  to  have  to  sneak  out  behind  the 
barn  anymore  when  you  want  to  smoke.  Smoke,  did  I  say? 
Didn't  the  word  fumigate  come  from  the  Latin  word  for 
smoke?  I'll  bet.  At  least  these  babes  think  so.  The  lady 
on  the  left  orders  a  coke.  Why  do  they  put  ice  in  the 
things?  Don't  be  silly — to  freeze  your  nose  so  that  you 
won't  notice  that  it's  the  lousiest  one  that  you  ever  had — 
year  of  the  great  drought,  you  know.  They  used  summer 
squash.  And  what's  more  you'll  like  it.  Just  like  you'll 
like  that  music  if  your  eardrums  hold  out  that  long. 

I  really  go  for  places  with  an  atmosphere,  and  here  I  am, 
fool  enough  to  go  and  admit  it.  I  don't,  however,  recol- 
lect ever  saying  that  I  cared  about  having  it  so  thick  that 
it  stuck  to  my  clothes.  If  every  cigarette  they  smoked  in 
here  were  laid  end  to  end  wouldn't  there  be  plenty?  That 
one  was  almost  too  easy.  What,  now,  do  you  suppose  the 
answer  to  the  one  about  two  and  two  is? 

There  they  sit.  The  man  looks  at  her  pensively  while 
she  adjusts  portions  of  her  complexion.  I  wonder  if  I  am 
looking  properly  pensive.  I'd  be  hot  at  looking  pensive  for 
the  proper  sort  of  cigarette  ads  if  I  had  enough  Roman  nose 
to  look  superciliously  down. 

So  she  likes  to  play  drop  the  handkerchief.  The  next 
time  will  make  one  up  for  her.  I  don't  mind  retrieving 
three  times,  but  after  that  she  can  be  it  for  a  while.  Post 
office  always  was  the  only  game  I  gave  a  whoop  for. 

I  wonder  if  she's  one  of  these  "but  really,  I  don't  know 
you  well  enough  yet"  women.  My  luck  always  was  lousy. 
I  wonder  if  I  could  talk  five  minutes  using  that  word. 
Maybe  I  could  if  I  spent  the  time  counting  to  a  thousand 

by  fives.     Five,  ten,  fifteen you  can't  pry  it  into  a 

conversation  like  that. 

"Good  evening,  Mrs.  Smith.     I  thought  your  party  was 

five,   ten,    fifteen" if   they  didn't   guess   right   they 

might  think  you  worked  in  the  dime  store. 

Now  to  catch  up  on  the  home  work.  We  are  going  to 
walk  ten  blocks  and  like  it.  And  anyway,  I  hate  sitting 
here  and  dawdling  while  all  of  those  people  in  line  look 
yearningly  at  this  table.  "Always  be  kind  to  Our  Dumb 
Friends,  my  lad" ;  that's  what  my  grandfather  said  to  mc 
when  I  was  young.  Besides  that  music  will  have  me  cut- 
ting paper  dolls  in  another  five  minutes.     It's  lousy. 

Chi  Tau 

SORORITY  THEME  SONGS 

A  Cottage  for  Sale Alpha  Phi 

Ain't    Misbehavin' Pify 

Little  White  Lies Alpha  Kappa  Alpha 

You  Brought  a  New  Kind  of  Love  to  Me A.  E.  Phi 

Kiss  Waltz Delta  Zeta 

Just  a  Little  Closer Zeta  Tau  Alpha 

Back  in  Your  Own  Back  Yard Alpha  Xi  Delta 

Around  the  Corner Delta  Gamma 

We're  on  the  Highway  to  Heaven Chi  Omega 

Thetn  Delta  Chi 


Now  wlu'ie  Ihf  Ht'll  is  the  Natioii:il  History  l>iiil(liM4:? 

Kapp<i  Alpha  Pit 

A  HOT  LINE 

"Hello,  is  this  the  Pify  house?  Yea,  well  let  me  talk  to 
Jeannie,  will  you?  .  .  .  No,  not  Ginney,  Jeannie.  It  doesn't 
rhyme  with  tinney;  it  rhymes  with  beanie.  Yea,  that's  it 
Jeannie  .  .  .  Hello,  is  this  you?  .  .  .  Yea,  well  say,  where 
have  you  been  keeping  yourself  lately?  Every  time  I've 
called  you  in  the  last  week  you've  been  out  on  some  sort  of 
a  date.  You're  a  fine  one  .  .  .  never  mind  making  any 
excuses.  Are  you  busy  tonight?  .  .  .  What  again!  .  .  .  Well, 
I'll  be  damned  ...  I  guess  that  lets  me  out  as  usual.  And 
I  suppose  you'll  be  busy  all  the  rest  of  the  time,  too?  .  .  . 
You  won't,  not  to  me  .  .  .  Aw  hell,  kid,  I've  heard  that 
racket  before  .  .  .  you'll  have  to  do  some  mighty  tall  ex- 
plaining. I'm  getting  good  and  .  .  .  well,  bad,  if  you  in- 
sist, and  tired  of  it;  every  time  I  want  to  see  you,  you're 
gone.  .  .  .  Don't  interrupt  me,  and  I'm  not  going  to  stand, 
sit,  or  lie,  especially  stand  for  lying,  for  any  more  of  it.  .  .  . 
Say,  by  the  way,  I  met  a  girl  who  says  she  used  to  go  with 
an  old  flame  of  yours  back  home.  .  .  .  Marj  White  is  her 
name.  .  .  .  Can  she  dance  and  .  .  .  and  how!  I  had  a  date 
with  Betty  last  night  .  .  .  Not  very  well,  I  didn't  like  some 
of  her  points  ...  I  prefer  curves  myself.  .  .  .  How's  that 
Beta  friend  of  yours?  .  .  .  Yea,  not  bad.  .  .  .  Well,  I  wanted 
something  to  write  home  about  so  I  called  you  up.  Uh-huh, 
well,  so  long,  sis,  I'll  be  seeing  you  later.     Goodbye." 

Zeta  Beta   Tau 


14 


The  SIREN 


MY  SORORITY 

"WfU,  \()u  know  (]\\t-iulol\  II.  that  is  how  I  t'l-cl  about 
it  too.  Just  because  a  sorority  has  a  fjooil  name  nationally 
is  no  sign  that  it's  so  torrid  on  the  cainpus.  What  I  mean 
is  it  could  be  really  good  at  one  school  and  terrible  at  the 
next.  Take  the  Alpha  Chi  O's — now,  I'll  tell  you  wliat 
I  think.  Their  girls  are  much  too  quiet — you  could  never 
tell  when  one  was  around.  And  the  A  D  Pi's  didn't  have 
enough  fraternity  pins  in  the  house,  did  you  think  so?  The 
Pi  Phi's  never  make  any  effort  toward  rushing  men  and  I 
ilon't  tliink  the  Chi  Omega's  treat  the  boys  nice  enough 
wlu-ii  they  bring  them  home  from  dates.  The  Thetas, 
being  so  short,  wouldn't  take  any  one  my  height,  and  I've 
too  many  equine  propensities  for  the  petite  Kappas.  The 
Theta  Phi  Alphas  are  much  too  friendly  with  just  every 
one,  and  the  Sigma  Kappas  don't  have  such  good  grades,  so 
I  thought  it  must  be  rather  hard  to  study  there.  The 
Gamma  Phi's  are  all  so  active  on  the  campus  that  I  thought 
it  would  be  too  strenuous  there,  so  I  decided  that  dear  old 
Tau  Delta  Fish-hook  was  the  one  for  me,  and  I  don't  care 
what  they  say!" 

Phi  Gamma  Delta 

Assistant  editor:  "There  seems  to  be  a  decided  lack  of 
efficiency  around  here." 

Ye  Ed:   "Yes,  it  seems  to  be  mostly  if-ficiency." 

Delia   Chi 

Lecturer:  (describing  his  latest  expedition  in  lengthy 
detail)  " — coming  out  of  the  jungle  I  was  confronted  by  a 
yawning  chasm." 

Bored  Stude:    "Was  it  yawning  before  it  saw  you?" 

Sigma  Nu 

Delta  Chi:  (returning  from  vacation)  "I  want  a  nice 
room  with  a  quiet  family.  " 

Another  nut:    "What,  have  you  acquired  a  family?" 

Kappa  Delta 


Boy    (early    haired):     "It's   gettiny   late,   ive   had   better 


quit. 


Ciirl  (Z  T  A):    "^  eah,  my  arm  is  going  dead." 
Siyma  Pi 


I'icture  of  those  who  are  ylad  they  joined  the  Union 


"Go  to  sleep  now,  lioncy.  want  me  to  sins;  a  hillaby?" 
"Cut  that  stuff,  Wa,  put  on  Kiidy  Vallee." 

Zeta   Tau  Alpha 

THE  MORNING  AFTER 

When  he  awoke  it  smote  him  as  with  a  physical  blow. 
His  was  the  unforgivable  sin,  the  irreparable  blunder. 
Groaning,  he  started  to  turn  over  but  jumped  frantically 
from  beneath  the  covers  instead.  Wildly,  he  grasped  the 
telephone  and  called  a  certain  number.  At  last  a  well  known 
voice  answered  and  his  heart  lurched  sickeningly.  For  a 
second  his  throat  was  dry,  his  tongue  clove  to  the  roof  of 
his  mouth,  and  his  lips  parched.  Then  words  came  to  his 
rescue,  tumbling  over  each  other  in  their  haste.  He  asked 
her  a  momentous  question.  Her  quiet  cool  voice  assured 
him  that  all  was  over  and  her  decision  made.  Frantically 
he  begged  her  to  change  that  decision.  He  cajoled,  prayed, 
implored,  all  to  no  avail  for  she  remained  adamant.  In 
despair  he  dropped  the  phone.  Now  all  that  remained  was 
to  take  it  like  a  man.  So  bravely  he  bent  his  back  for  the 
paddling,  being  only  a  Theta  Xi  pledge  and  she  was  his 
Rhet.  teacher. 

Sigma  Chi 

"There's  been  a  helluva  lot  of  money  go  through  that," 
said  the  Alpha  Sig,  pointing  with  pride  to  the  muffler  on 
the  pile  of  junk  standing  in   front  of  the  house. 

Delta  Phi 

Dum:    "Hey,  don't  spit  on  the  floor/" 
Dunimer:    "Smatter,  is  it  leaking?" 


Fraternity  Number 


15 


Bureau  of  Vital  Statistics 

1,387,432  boys  and  girls  were  again  sent  into  a  state  of 
unemployment. 

693,716  parents  were  immensely  relieved. 

$10,735,194  was  requested  by  special  delivery  and  wire 
for  text  books. 

Publishing  companies  reported  a  text  book  sale  of  slight- 
j      ly  over  a  million  dollars. 

Several  thousand  men  write  home  to  say  that  they  are 
rooming  with,  next  to,  near,  or  in  the  same  bviilding  with 
the  football  captain. 

None  of  these  prove  very  vital. 

J/plm   Delta   Fi 

"I'm  after  your  blood,"  buzzed  the  horsefly  as  it  took 
after  its  prey. 

Thita  Phi  Jl/>ha 

History  Prof. :  What  is  the  latest  date  mentioned  in 
your  book  ? 

He:  (dreamily  thinking  of  his  diary)  Sunday  night 
until  4  o'clock. 

Alpltn  (Jhi  Sigma 

"Avoid  that  oncoininy  sliadrjiv,"  thought  our  little  Mary 
Lou  as  she  seurried  aside  to  let  a  motor  truek  raee  by  one 
foggy  day. 

ilpha  Delta  Phi 

"Not  everybody  has  as  dark  a  future  as  I  do,"  sobbed 
Col.  Maxwell  Johnson  of  the  Boonville  corps,  "We  all  get 
knocks  while  we  live,  but  I  get  "taps"  after  I'm  dead." 

Delta  Sigma  Phi 

There  is  some  advantage  to  being  a  fraternity  member 
— just  think  of  trusting  the  hash  any  place  else. 


.\bsent- minded  travelling  salesman  (to  his  wile):    "Hello  Honey! 
Just  arrived  in  town ;  how  about  a  little  party? 


"Wliat's   the   matter^— don't   you   retosnize   her?" 
"I  don't  know,  it  isn't  dark  enough  yet." 


Kappa  Alpha   Theta 

N.  B.  LUCY  STONE  LEAGUE 

It  is  known  to  scientists  that  a  cannibal  will  not  touch 
the  flesh  of  one  who  has  used  tobacco.  Good !  we  always 
knew  that  there  was  some  beenfit  in  smoking. 

Sigma  Alpha  Iota 

Prof. :  "Why  are  you  leaving,  there  are  three  more  parts 
to  this  lecture?" 

Soph:    "Yes  sir,  that's  just  why  I'm  leaving." 

Sigma  Phi  Sigma 

Frosh  :     (after  senior  ducking)   "How  am  I  now." 
Junior:    (helping   repair   the   warriors)    "(^h,    all    right. 

Your  eye's  still  a  bit  swollen,  but  that  doesn't  bother  me  a 

bit." 

Frosh:     "I    can    understand    that.      If    your    eye    were 

swollen  it  wouldn't  bother  me  either." 

Alpha  Delta   Pi 

Tri  Delt:  "You're  not  the  boy  who  kissed  me  three 
months  ago." 

Deke :  "I  should  say  not.  I'm  the  bo\  you  kissed  five 
weeks  ago." 

Alpha  Chi  Sigma 

" and  mother,"  said  little  Betty  enthusiastically  de- 
scribing her  first  morning  at  Sunday  school,  "  'Onward 
Christian  Soldiers'  was  the  theme  song." 

Delta   Zeta 

Dean:  "What  steps  ought  to  be  taken  to  get  students 
to  their  classes  on  time?" 

Bean:     "Faster  ones,  I'd  suggest." 

Alpha  Gamma  Rho 


16 


The  SIREN 


Sally  Tallenwider 

that  old 

Scandal  Monger 

lays  bare 

to  the 

Gasping  Public — 


-a  purr  and  innocent  girl 


My  Book  of  Hims 


Etchings  by  Lou  Ruskin 


Having  been  quite  a  pure  and  innocent  girl  in  my  child- 
hood, I  look  back  on  my  past  with  a  sort  of  self-satisfied 
smile,  that  is  up  to  the  time  I  was  eighteen  years  old.  From 
then  on  I  became  a  veritable  Gabriel  sounding  my  horn  and 
stepping  on  the  gas  at  every  corner.  However,  as  the  years 
sped  by,  there  were  times  when  I  didn't  know  if  I  was  turn- 
ing a  corner  or  was  on  a  straight-away. 

After  reaching  the  age  of  twenty-five,  and  realizing  that 
experiences  as  mine  are  not  to  be  found  in  every  home,  I 
hereby  set  forth  my  accounts  of  crime,  misdemeanor,  and 
wrong-doings.  I'm  a  wise  woman,  thanks  to  all  my  ac- 
quaintances, and  what  I  don't  know  about  life  in  the  rough 
isn't  worth  knowing — I'll  have  you  know  I  didn't  come 
down  in  the  last  shower. 

I  started  college  at  eighteen,  pledged  Bethany  Circle  the 
first  week,  and  subscribed  to  the  Daily  Illini.  That  was 
the  first  step  in  my  downfall — I  met  Jack  Adams,  the 
editor.  He  started  to  see  me— I  can  still  remember  how 
he  used  to  come  plodding  into  the  midst  of  the  circle  (the 
brute)  and  yell  "I  think  Sally  is  expecting  me."  And  then 
the  answer  he'd  get. 


"If  you're  the  goggled-eyed  sap  who  does  nothin'  but 
sit  on  the  couch  an'  twiddle  ya  thumbs  and  dangle  ya 
gunboats  from  side  to  side  and  eat  the  candy  ya  bring  and 
look  like  a  dumb  fish-face,  then  she  is  expectin'  ya."  That 
cut  him  to  the  quick.  I  told  him  to  read  the  New  Testa- 
ment again  and  scram.     He  left,  but  he  left  his  mark. 

Then  I  got  into  a  scrape  with  Pete  Yanuskus,  the  foot- 
ball player.  He  bought  me  a  new  sable  and  I  says,  "Thanx, 
— It'll  keep  me  nice  and  warm."  "Warm,  hell,  that's  to 
keep  you  quiet."     It  did  for  a  while. 

After  that  came  Paul  Strohm,  the  football  manager,  as 
nice  a  boy  as  ever  squashed  a  corsage.  He  did  nothing  but 
talk  about  his  family.  "I'm  a  family  man  by  nature,"  says 
he,  "all  my  ancestors  on  both  sides  have  families."  He 
wanted  to  be  my  "steady  fella."  If  he'd  been  any  steadier, 
he'd  been  motionless.  I  finally  took  him  in  hand  and 
taught  him  a  thing  or  three.  He  faded  at  the  end  of  the 
summer  with  the  rest  of  the  lilies  and  I  planted  him  out  the 
door.  "1 

Then  I  suddenly  decided  to  shun  men,  figured  I  could 
get  along  without  them.     Decided  on   the  finer  things  of 


Fraternity  Number 


17 


life.  The  Star  Course  appeared  as  a  loop-hole.  I  joined 
and  was  thrown  out  of  the  first  concert  for  demanding 
"Little  White  Lies"  as  a  request  number.  "Oh  well,  life's 
not  all  roses,"  says  the  pleasantest  voice.  I  looked,  a  man 
again!  Introduced  himself  as  Stacy  Woods,  manager  of 
the  Course.  Damn  those  managers,  can't  manage  them- 
selves, much  less  any  thing  else.  I  accepted  his  invitation  to 
a  party,  drank  him  under  the  table,  the  piano,  the  fireplace, 
and  the  rug.  Carried  him  home  an  ddelivered  him  with 
the  milkman. 

The  next  day  I  walked  to  the  gym  to  rent  a  couple  of 
Indian  clubs  for  protection  and  saw  the  nicest  young 
wrestler  that  ever  knocked  the  dust  out  of  a  mat.  Gene 
Tonkhoff,  I  think  he  called  himself,  from  the  Phi  Sig  gym. 
He  liked  the  way  I  raised  my  heels  as  I  walked  and  decided 
we'd  get  along  great.  He  taught  me  a  few  new  holds.  I 
decided  he  was  rotten,  never  seemed  to  get  any  farther  than 
a  three-quarter  Nelson,  and  I  like  things  done  complete.  He 
would  have  come  around  O.  K.,  but  I  got  sick.  By  the 
time  I  was  on  my  feet  again,  my  old  friends  had  flunked 
out  of  school,  leaving  me  alone  like  a  college  widow. 

So  you  see,  dear  readers,  the  depths  to  which  a  re- 
spectable woman  can  fall,  though  there  is  a  bit  of  pride  in 


" — got  caught  one  night — " 

my  voice  when  I  say  that  I  was  self-made.  May  I  add  in 
parting  a  sort  of  warning  to  the  unwary,  a  warning  that 
I  have  forever  kept  before  my  thirteen  daughters,  beware 
of  editors,  football  men,  managers,  and  wrestlers.  Men 
may  come,  and  men  may  go,  but  worms  as  these  turn  on 
you  forever. 


DO  YOU  KNOW— 

by 
Charles  Jacobson 

That,  according  to  some  of  our  scintillating  zoology  students 
flies  cannot  see  so  well  because  they're  always  leaving 
their  specs  behind? 

That,  Betty  Daly,  diminutive  Chi  O,  picked  the  first  anti 
second  winners  at  Belmont  Park  last  summer  by  closing 
both  eyes  and  jabbing  at  the  card  with  the  prongs  of  a 
hair  pin  ? 

That,  Bunting  and  Patten,  the  Delta  Zeta  personality  girls, 
have  decided  to  work  up  an  act  for  vaudeville,  and  then 
gesticulate  accordingly? 

That,  Ruth  Ashmore,  of  popularity  contest  fame,  was  seen 
in  brown  suits  and  ensembles  five  days  out  of  the  week? 

That,  Finnegan  and  Gard,  the  well  known  Tri-Delt  sister 
act  have  won  more  doubles  cups  than  any  other  song  and 
dance  team  on  the  campus  ? 

That,  according  to  the  American  Mercury,  the  Alpha 
Epsilon  Pi  fraternity,  founded  in  1913,  has  houses  at  its 
twenty  chapters  which  average  $51,000  apiece? 

That,  Harold  Maki,  Sig  Pi  pledge,  dated  three  different 
Delta  Zetas  on  three  consecutive  nights?  (Ask  dad,  he 
knows). 

That,  Evelyn  Cote,  sweet  Z.  T.  A.,  is  an  acrobatic  dancer 
of  no  small  ability?  (This  might  be  said  of  many  others 
— but  we  haven't  seen  Jay  Seeley  at  Park  for  quite  a 
while). 

1  hat,  Jefferson  Davis,  President  of  the  Confederacy,  was  a 
Kappa  Sigma  ? 

That,  Lee  Savage  has  transferred  his  field  of  observation 
from  behind  the  Theta  house  to  the  more  fertile  fields  of 
LTrbana? 

That,  Prof.  Adams,  head  of  the  Chemistry  department,  is  a 
direct  descendant  from  the  John  Quincy  Adamses  of 
Massachusetts? 

That,  Chester  A.  Arthur,  and  Wm.  H.  Taft  are  Psi  U's? 
(a  couple  of  big  men  "a-round"  town). 

That,  only  28  per  cent  of  Chicago's  male  population  have 
an  income  of  $50  a  week  or  more?  (However,  we  all 
can't  work  on  the  Tribune). 

That,  the  Kappa  Sig's  and  S.  A.  E.'s  have  more  than  one 
himdred  chapters  each?      (safety  in  numbers). 

That,  the  old  "who  was  the  lady  I  saw  you  with  last 
night"  gag,  was  first  sprung  by  those  two  famous  vaude- 
villians,  Weber  and  Fields,  some  thirty  years  ago,  and- — 

That,  Wm.  Randolph  Hearst  once  paid  $750  for  a  box  seat 
on  an  opening  night  at  the  Weber  and  Fields  Music 
Hall?  (Continued  on  Page  23) 


The  SIREN 


Coming  Distractions 

As  reviewed  by  Catherine  Havnie 


Thus  opi'iicth  wliat  yc  honorable 
editor  (aren't  all  editors  honorable?) 
has  been  pleased  to  announce  as  a 
second  new  feature  in  the  brochure 
of  buffoonery,  this  journal  of  jocu- 
larity. Since  the  announcement  was 
made,  the  original  reviewer  has  been 
involved  in  lethal  fisticuffs  with  some 
nasty  bacteria  of  the  t/iniis — oh,  well, 
you  think  up  a  good  name. 

So  disposing  of  what  shoidd  be  a 
formal  introduction,  we  settle  down 
to  serious  business.  At  Mr.  RKO's 
\'IR(^iINIA,  you  can  see,  provided 
nothing  goes  wrong  with  your  eye- 
sight, Milton  Sills  in  Jack  London's 
"The  Sea  Wolf,"  gone  talkie.  As 
Wolf  Larsen  he  hits  first,  thinks 
second,  apologizes  never.  Blonde  and 
beautiful  Jane  Keith  is  the  only 
woman  in  the  cast,  but  being  a 
blonde,  has  the  situation  well  in 
bond.  The  horror  and  brutality  are 
a  little  too  realistically  done  for  the 
squeamish. 

This  was  the  last  picture  made  by 
Sills  before  he  died  of  a  heart  attack 
brought  on  by  a  strenuous  game  of 
tennis  with  his  wife  Doris  Kenyon 
in  Los  Angeles.  Refuting  a  favorite 
theory  that  most  cinem  actors  (thank 
you.  Time)  are  hollow  above  the 
neck  are  the  following  facts : 

Sills  was  a  bank  director,  an  ex- 
pert at  chess,  a  pianist  of  note,  a 
student  of  literature,  and  a  Fellow  in 
Philosophy  at  Chicago.  He  once  told 
a  New  York  critic,  '.'I  went  on  the 
stage,  you  poor  ape,  because  I  thought 
it  would  give  me  more  leisure  to 
read.  What  I  w^ould  rather  have 
done  than  anything  else  is  to  write." 
By  that  speech  he  proved  his 
humanity. 

Before  we  take  up  all  the  other 
products  of  the  film  factories  coming 
to  the  VIRGINIA,  let  us  announce 
a  series  of  one-reel  football  pictures 
produced  by  Knute  Rockne  at  Notre 
Dame  under  Pathe  auspices.  Every 
Thursday,  Friday,  and  Saturday  for 
six  weeks  will  be  re-enacted  famous 
plays  of  famous  coaches. 

Beginning  with  a  forty-yard  pass 
for  touchdown  from  Benny  Fried- 
man to  Osterbaum  of  Michigan  to  a 
fifty-yard     run     for    touchdown     by 


Chris  Cagle  in  the  Yale  bowl,  most 
of  the  spectacular  plays  of  the  decade 
are  included.  Slow  motion  photo- 
graphy, a  line  play  shot  from  four  or 
five  different  angles,  a  Rockne  scor- 
ing play  never  before  revealed  to  the 
camera,  distinguish  the  series.  Take 
your  girl  along  and  complete  her 
football  education. 

After  suffering  badly  from  the 
stupid  label  of  being  a  second  (iish, 
Helen  Twelvetrces,  1920  Wampus 
star,  runs  the  ball  back  from  kick-off 
for  score  in  "Her  Man"  which  hap- 
pens to  be  "Frankie  and  Johnnie" 
adeptly  adopted  to  the  screen.  Among 
other  things  the  show  contains  a  good 
fight  sequence.  But  don't  take  your 
younger  brother  or  sister. 

The  chief  recommendation  of 
"Back  Pay"  is  Corlnne  Griffith,  ex- 
quisite if  declasse — and  if  you  are  in- 
terrogating us,  that  is  recommenda- 
tion to  spare.  This  is  the  Orchid's 
last  picture  before  exchanging  the 
glare  of  the  Kliegs  for  the  glamour 
of  marriage  (permanent,  she  says). 

And,  as  we  said  before,  check  and 
double-check,  the  week  of  the  26th 
for  the  first  full-length  picture  of  the 
modern  American  phenomena  which 
is  vieing  with  pony  golf  for  suprem- 
acy— the  dusky  Amos  n'  Andy  in 
their  spasm  of  spontaneity  "Check 
and  Double  Check."  Why  say 
moah?" 


Moving  over  to  the  Orpheum,  you 
will  find  "Good  Neivs"  with  most 
of  its  original  music  intact,  and 
Zelma  O'Neill  snapping  into  her 
original  Varsity  Drag. 

Dorothy  Mackaill  chalks  up  an- 
other score  with  the  cleverly  con- 
ceived "Flirting  Widow."  Contin- 
nental  comedy,  adequately  adroit,  re- 
sults from  the  combination  of  Mac- 
kaill and  Basil  Rathbone. 

Lila  Lee  and  Robert  Ames  in  an- 
other gangland  picture  "Double 
Crossroads"  do  provide  more  than 
the  usual  amount  of  entertainment. 
"Santa  Fe  Trail,"  epic  of  the  rail- 
roads, is  better  than  most  of  recent 
historical    productions — and   some   of 


them  have  been  above  the  average. 

Watch  for  "One  Romantic  Night" 
— Lillian  Ciish's  first  phonoplay. 
Here  is  one  instance  where  the  voice 
matches  the  personality  (screen  at 
any  rate).  Somewhat  out  of  the  ex- 
pected Gish  groove  of  the  weeping 
wench  idea. 

Jack  Mulhall  gets  a  break  at  last 
in  "The  Fall  (juy,"  one  ot  last 
season's  legit  successes.  Makes  the 
most  of  a  supinely  stupid  out-of- 
work  husband.  Simple  but  not  too 
sweet. 


By  that  legerdemain  known  only  to 
reviewers,  we  are  transported  to  the 
Rialto.  If  you  are  looking  for  some- 
thing succinctly  subtle — and  who 
isn't — look  in  on  "Monte  Carlo."  No 
matter  which  way  you  bet  you  can't 
lose  on  Jack  Buchanan,  Chavalier  of 
England  (which  may  or  may  not  be 
a  compliment,  depending  on  the  point 
of  view)  getting  himself  dexterously 
in  and  out  of  scintillatingly  sophis- 
ticated situations  with  the  pleasingly 
piquant  Jeannette  McDonald.  The 
McDonald,  in  the  continental 
strugggle  between  passion  and  pride, 
finds  occasion  to  break  into  frequent 
(and  charming)  song.  Her  Beyond 
ike  Blue  Horizon  would  make  any 
strong  man  all  give-in-ee.  Claud 
Allister  and  Zasu  Pitts  do  their  parts 
to  complete  this  piece  of  deft  diver- 
tisement. 

In  "Three  Paces  East,"  Eric  von 
Stroheim  and  Constance  Bennett,  the 
delicately  disdainful  high-hat  of 
Hollywood,  get  all  tangled  up  in  the 
elaborate  spy  systems  of  the  nations 
cast  in  major  roles  of  the  World 
War.  Due  respect  to  the  producers 
for  cutting  out  the  usual  sickening 
saccharine  ending.  On  the  other 
hand,  it  is  all  very  tragic,  but  true. 

Constance  (one  simply  doesn't  call 
her  Connie)  incidentally,  is  one  of 
the  few  persons  to  have  ever  success- 
fidly  ritzed  Hollywood  and  made 
them  like  it. 

And  that,  for  the  present,  is  enough, 
plenty,  and  sufficient.  Thus  spake, 
not  Zarathustra,  but  Nemesis  I. 


Fraternity  Number 


19 


Salvation 

Gently,  silently,  he  raised  the  part- 
ly open  window  sash.  He  stuck  his 
head  in  through  the  opening  and 
peered  into  the  darkness  of  the  room. 
No  one  stirred.  He  saw  the  profile 
of  a  bed  and  in  it  was  a  woman. 
"Cowardly,"  he  thought,  as  he 
climbed  into  the  room,  "to  do  this." 
He  removed  his  shoes,  then  tiptoed 
quietly  into  the  darkness,  blinking  his 
eyes  wildly,  trying  to  catch  a  glimpse 
of  something  he  knew  he  couldn't  see. 
Ah,  yes  !  There  it  was !  He  picked 
it  up,  almost  hurried  into  an  adjoin- 
ing room,  and  returned  in  five 
minutes,  muttering  to  himself,  "Well, 
wifie,  you'll  never  know  when  this 
man  came  home!" 


-Pi  Kappa  Jlpha- 


She  Musta  Dated  a  Delt 

Wuntz  upon  a  time  thare  wuz  a 
elegant  laily.  She  went  ta  collidge 
and  after  a  yere  she  wuzn't  a  lady 
ennymore.  So  all  her  ol'  time  girl 
fren's  ast  her  how  cum.  She  sez  she 
woulda  still  been  a  lady  if  it  wuzn't 
fer  a  date  she  wuntz  had  with  a  frat 
guy.  Her  ol'  fren's  ast  her  wot  wuz 
a  frat  guy,  and  she  sez  a  frat  guy? 
Doncha  know  wot  a  frat  guy  is?  My 
Gawd !  A  frat  guy  is,  well,  lemme 
giv  y'nill'strashun.  Take  a  hobo, 
see;  dress  him  up  jus'  a  li'l  bit,  an' 
let  'm  get  his  likker  whare  ever  he 
wants  ta ;  it  don't  matter  much. 
Then  give  'm  a  li'l  money  an'  a  hell 
uv  a  line.  All  right;  now  change  tha 
word  "hobo"  to  tha  word  "moron" 
and  that's  jus'  about  wot  a  frat  guy 
is. 

Alpha  SiffDia  Phi 


The  Break  Down 

"Vou  know,  Helen,  or  perhaps  you 
don't,  but  anynvay  I  think  it  is  posi- 
tively snooty  the  way  we  always  find 
out  what  fraternity  a  man  belongs  to 
before  we  will  date  him.  What  I 
mean  is,  it  seems  so  sort  of  childish. 
Just  because  one  man  in  a  house  is  an 
unadulterated  oaf,  doesn't  make  them 
all  that  .  .  .  and  just  because  a  couple 
in  another  house  are  O.  K.,  that's 
not  saying  they  haven't  any  crocks, 
cither.  From  now  on  I'm  going  to 
date  by  my  own  judgment  and  not 
mob  psychology — why,  there  arc 
even  some  barbs  in  my  class  who  are 
da-a-arling.  There's  the  phone  .  .  . 
'what's  that  .  .  .  will  I  take  a  date  for 
next  Saturday  .  .  .  well,  .  .  .  what  is 
he  aimvay 


???>??9?" 


-Alpha  Oniiiron  Pi- 


"Say,  fellows,  I've  just  decided  we 
aren't  being  very  democratic  when 
we  date  our  women  by  their  sorority 
only.  And  here  in  this  noble  institu- 
tion where  democracy  really  is  the 
outstanding  characteristic  we  ought 
to  pay  more  attention  to  the  girl  her- 
self, not  her  house.  How'd  you  feel 
if  they  all  asked  'What  is  he'  Why, 
there  are  plenty  of  good-looking  ones, 
with  clothes,  too,  who  just  didn't 
happen  to  have  any  one  to  recom- 
mend them,  and  you  know  that  if 
they  don't  get  in  during  rushing, 
they're  sunk.  I  think  we  ought  to 
cut  out  this  "what  is  she"  racket — 
and — 'Who  am  I  taking  to  house 
dance?'  .  .  .  well,  you  see  she's  in  my 
history  class,  and  no,  she's  not  in  any 
house — of  course  she  has  to  be  in  the 
same  time  as  the  other  girls! — and 
besides  that  hasn't  anything  to  do 
with  my  point,  and — aw,  shut  up!" 


Kappa  Kappa  Gaiiiina 

Judge:  "IVere  you  ever  arrested 
before?" 

Tough:  "Note,  honest,  judge,  do 
I  look  like  a  bud  just  niakin'  me 
daboof"  — Sun  Dial. 


-Sigma  Alpha  lota- 


Moo!  Moo! 

Little  girl  (at  football  game)  :  Oh, 
mamma,  see  the  pretty  jerseys! 

Jaded  collegian:  Yeah;  the  thim- 
dering  herd.  — Pitt  Panther. 

Delta  Sigma   Tau 


'If  I  were  as  clever  as  yo\x  are,  I 
woald  be  writing  for  the  Siren." 

"And  if  you  were  as  smart,  yoa 
woald  be  wearing  Charterhouse 
clothes  from  /^^if/^^//^." 


;&'> 


0^r 


20 


The  SIREN 


"Certified  Dr>   Cleanin<i^" 

SOUDER'S 

Cleaners 

Established  1866 
and  still  going  strong 

Phones— 3725,  4900,  8108 


Have  You  Heard 
About 

The  Deaf  Mute  that  got  lock-jaw 
in  his  forefinger? 

He  could  have  been  worse  off.    As  it 
was,  he  could  dance  at 

BILL  DONAHUE'S 

Over  Prehn's  and  Kaufman's  on  Green 


(C.')iitiniud  from   Ptu/c   7 ) 

Wc  uould  be  very  pleased  if  the  Kappa  Delta  Rhos 
would  keep  their  pledge,  "Beauty"  Hilligros,  out  of  Lincoln 
Hall.  We  hear  that  he  smokes  Murads  in  the  halls,  which 
is  very  plainly  an  infraction  of  rule  seventy-eight. 

Held  The/a  Pi 

The  Thetas  are  evidently  re-furnishing  their  house.  A 
few  days  ago  one  of  Montgomery  Ward  service  trucks 
spent  the  entire  afternoon  in  front  of  said  hovel.  Which 
reminds  us  of  that  old  phrase,  "Save  the  pennies,  and  the 
Thetas  will  take  care  of  themselves." 

Phi  Sigma  Kappa 

It  was  about  twelve-thirty  Saturday,  the  eleventh  of 
( )ctober,  when  a  young  miss  strangely  resembling  Betty 
Stoolman,  approached  the  Stoolman  home,  and  finding  the 
door  locked,  set  up  a  howl  for  "Eva."  Betty,  we  are  in- 
formed that  the  party  was  just  starting.  We  ask  you, 
should  a  young  lady  yell  so  loudly  for  "Eva,"  or  hold 
parties  when  her  parents  are  out  of  town? 


"Freckles  are  nothing  but  sun-kisses,"  says  Bernarr 
Macfadden  in  Life.  Yes,  Mr.  Macfadden,  but  there  are 
sun-kisses  and  son-kisses.  .  .  . 

Kappa  Kappa   Gamma 

"Clearly  everyone  has  a  weakness  for  something,"  says 
Rudy  Vallee.  Yes,  Rudy,  but  how  about  the  "Maine  Stein 
Song?" 

— Sigma  Chi 

She  has  so  many  clothes  that  the  only  way  I  can  recog- 
nize her  for  certain  is  by  her  voice. 

Thcta  Upsi/on 

Jack  (beyond  the  three-mile  limit)  :  "That  music  is 
surely  rotten." 

Tar;     "Yup,  it's  way  off  quay." 


-Phi  Ga,. 


Dclta- 


Warden  of  insane  asylum  (to  man  visiting  a  couple  of 
Beta  friends)  :  "Hey,  what's  the  idea  of  telling  traveling 
salesmen  stories  to  the  inmates?" 

J'isitor:  "fVhy  I  thought  you  were  supposed  to  humor 
them." 

Kappa  Alpha    Thcta 

J^isitor:  "Have  you  gotten  any  reports  about  your  gnus 
that  escaped  last  week?" 

Warden:    "No  gnus  yet." 

Thcta  Xi 


Fraternity  Number 


21 


^HOTHIMs 


Cam< 

fIs 

are  made  of 

the 

choicest  Turkish 

and 

Do 

>m.estic  tobact 

'OS, 

blended  with   ex- 

pert 

ca 

re.     You'll  fin 

d  th 

em    mellour. 

mild 

and 

sn 

nooth,    uith 

a    fv 

tll-bodied    a 

roma 

that 

sir 

nply  can't  be 

en  pi 

rd.    It's  a  si 

Imple 

state 

me 

•nt   of  fact  to 

sav 

money  can'i 

1  buy 

a  better 

«•«». 

rette. 

gggg  SISEVES  ByiQ^Go^  SMOKE 

We  hold  certain  truths  to  be  self-evident  in  this  matter 
of  smoking  —  truths  that  need  no  garnishing  of  guff. 
A  fellow  smokes  because  he  likes  to ;  he  smokes  a  certain 
brand  because  that  brand  gives  him  more  pleasure  than 
any  other.  Year  in  and  year  out  more  people  smoke 
Camels  than  any  other  cigarette.  We  submit  that  the  only 
legitimate  reason  is  because  they  enjoy  them  better.  If 
there's  any  bunk  in  that,  we  hope  to  swallow  a  senator. 


©  1930,  R.  J.  Reynolds  Tobacco 
Company,  Winston -Salem,  N.  C. 


22 


The  SIREN 


Who  Owns  the  Utilities? 

Operators  and  managers  of  public  utility  companies  are  not  owners  of  these  great 
agencies.  They  are  simply  the  men  who  have  been  picked  by  the  owners — the  great  body 
of  stockholders     to  run  these  businesses. 

The  natural  growth  of  any  community  produces  a  demand  for  increased  utility  service  so 
that  money  invested  for  increasing  the  supply  of  public  utility  services  is  really  invested 
for  the  advantage  of  the  community  in  which  you  live. 

Money  that  is  put  into  public  utility  plants  and  distribution  systems  does  not  come  from 
any  so-called  financial  "clique,"  it  comes  from  no  small  group.  It  comes  fro  mthe  whole 
public. 

You  rub  elbows  every  day  with  owners  of  the  public  utilities,  but  not  on  Wall  Street  of 
New  \'ork,  nor  Milk  Street  of  Boston,  nor  La  Salle  Street  of  Chicago.  It  is  the  people  of 
America  and  this  community  your  neighbors,  your  friends  and  yourself — who  are  the 
real  owners  of  the  public  Utility  companies. 


Illinois 

Power  and  Light 

Coipoiation 


Alpha  Delt:    "I  call  my  girl  Spearmint." 
Kappa  Delt:    "Why  Spearmint?" 
Alpha  Delt:    "She's  after  every  meal." 

Chi  Omega 

Sigma  Kappa:  "I'm  blonde,  short,  sixteen  years  old, 
and  shy." 

Lambda  Chi:     "How  many  years?" 

Delta  Delta  Delta 

First  Phi  Sig:  "Where  can  I  get  ahold  of  a  good  Tri- 
Delt?" 

Second  dope:  "Around  the  waist,  and  if  she  resists, 
she's  no  Tri-Delt." 

Alpha  Epsilon  Fi 

House  mother  (to  a  D.  L'.):    "Milt,  can't  you  behave? 
IVhy  don't  you  play  the  part  of  a  gentleman:'" 
Milt:    "IVhat  part?" 

Phi  Kappa  Sigma 

First  Kappa:     "But  why  do  you  call  Mac  thirty-three?" 
Second  K. :     "Oh,  he  always  was  an  odd  number." 

Beta  Chi 


Loyal 

Union  membership  solicitor:    "Are  you  a  member  of  the 
Union?" 

Messenger  boy:    "Hell  yes,  tF ester n   Union." 

Delta   Upsilon 

First  Teke:     "Did  I   understand  you  to  say  that  your 
femme  was  very  strong?" 

Second  Drunk:    "No,  I  merely  said  that  her  name  was 
Vera  Strong." 

Sigma  Kappa 

You  can  drive  a  horse  to  drink,  but  a  pencil  has  to  be 


lead. 


-Chi  Phi- 


Lonesome  little  co-ed:  "Oh  well,  God  loves  me,  and  I 
can  sit  on  my  hands. 

Sigma  AIu  Sigma 

"New  High  Speed  Radio  to  Link  U.  S.  and  China." 
An  attempt  to  keep  up  with  the  revolutions. 

(^hi  Psi  Ltnvdge 

Page  Robbie  Crusoe 

I  see  by  the  newspaper  headlines  that  Miss  Hinklemeyer 
married  Saturday.  Heh,  heh ;  wonder  if  he  was  any  rela- 
tion to  Friday! 


Fraternity  Number 


23 


(Continued  from  Page   17) 

That,  Delta  Psi  fraternity,  more  than  eighty  years  old,  has 
the  most  costly  houses  of  any  fraternity,  two  of  which 
uere  given  outright  by  a  couple  of  its  millionaire  mem- 
bers? ("cruel  man,  you  can't  more-close  the  forgage 
on  the  old  stone  hedge)." 

That,  Woodrow  Wilson,  opposed  as  he  was  to  college  fra- 
ternities, was  a   Phi   Kappa   Psi  ? 

That,  Lee  Gelbach,  former  Illini,  won  a  cross  country  fly- 
ing derby  this  summer?  (I've  often  wanted  a  hat  like 
that  myself). 

That,  Dorothy  Altringer  '30,  former  president  of  Women's 
Residence  Hall,  celebrated  her  twenty-second  birthday 
on  a  trans-Atlantic  liner  with  the  necessary  "eau  de  vie" 
while  enroute  to  Paris  last  summer  ? 

That,  the  following  was  quoted  at  the  S.  A.  E.  house  meet- 
ing, "Yea  brothers,  prohibition  is  a  game  that  ought  to 
be  called  off  on  account  of  wet  grounds?" 

That,  three  out  of  five  persons  mispronounce  "data,"  which 
according  to  Webster's  Standard  dictionary  should  be 
used  so,  "I  could  data  Theta  any  time,"  and  the  word 
"detail"  should  go,  as  Betty  Stoolman,  famous  kite 
builder  said,  "pay  close  attention  to  de-tails?" 

That,  Princeton  prohibits  fraternities?  (We  girls  iL'ill  have 
our  rights). 

That,  the  Fritz  Lieber  mob  scenes  were  composed  of  Pierrot 
and  Alask  and  Bauble  celebrities,  among  whom  were,  Lee 
Savage,  S.  T.  M.  Schewel  III  and  Al  Epton  (he  who 
ran  across  the  stage  twice  during  the  storm  scene). 
These  gents  kept  moving  about  nervously  while  on 
stage — they  later  explained  the  spasdomic  hopping;  said 
it  was  harder  to  hit  a  moving  target? 

Theta  Upsilon  Omega 

Intellgence  Test  No.  00001 

A  penny  where  is  a  penny  what? 

Who  trips  in  where  angels  fear  to  do  what  ? 

Do  what  and  the  world  does  what  with  you? 

What  and  what  waits  for  no  man  ? 

Do  unto  who — s  you  would  have  who  do  unto  you  ? 

Don't  do  what  until  you  see  the  what  of  his  eyes? 

Mighty  what  from  little  whats  grow? 

Clothes  make  a  what? 

What  hath  no  what  as  a  woman  what  ? 

It's  better  to  have  what  and  lost  than  what? 

What  can't  you  teach  an  old  what  what? 

When  to  what,  when  to  rise  make  a  man  what? 

— Carnegie  Tech  Puppet. 

Delta  Upsilon 

She:  "How  dare  you,  with  your  scandalous  past,  pro- 
pose to  me?  It  wouldn't  take  much  for  me  to  throw  you 
downstairs  and  turn  the  dogs  on  you !" 

He:    "Am  I  to  take  that  as  a  refusal  then?" 

— V.   of  Boston   Bean  pot. 

Kappa  Sigma 


VIRGINIA 

NOW  PLAYING.   The  greatest  sensation  at 
the  motion  picture  industry 

Amos 'N' Andy 

In  their  first  talking  picture 


"Check  and 
Double  Check" 


ORPHEUM 

October  28,  29,  30 

LILIJAN    GISH  KOI)   l..\   KOCQIE 

MAKIE  DRESSLEK  (OXKAl)  NAGEE 

"One  Romantic  Night" 

STAI{TIN(;  OCTOBER  31 

"THE  FALL  GUY" 


Have  Your  Shoes  Rebuilt  at  the 

UNIVERSITY 

SHOE 
REBUILDERS 

Clean  Modern 

Popular  colors  in  dyes 

Full  line  of  laces,  polishes,  new  heels 
and  other  findings 

702  S.  Goodwin  Ave.  In  the  Prehn  Bldg. 


24 


The  SIREN 


Every  Illini  Wants  One 

Those  Beautiful  Musical  Ash  Trays 

Plays  "Hail  to  the  Orange" 

and 

"By  Thy  Ri\  ers" 

Made  in  black  and  silver 

USEFUL    PRACTICAL    AMUSING    BEAUTIFUL 

$4.25 

THE  CO-OP 


WHAT  EVERY  GO-ED  KNOWS 

That  it  is  easy  to  win  a  man's  love  if  yoii  pretend  to 
believe  him  as  dangerous  as  he  pretends  to  be. 

That  it  isn't  wise  to  drink  as  much  gin  as  your  escort, 
but  that  it  is  very  pleasant. 

That  a  professor  often  has  his  weaknesses  like  anyone 
else,  and  that  in  his  weakness  lies  the  strength  of  your 
grades. 

That  a  soft  answer  turneth  away  wrath  and  a  soft  look 
may  bring  you  someone's  fraternity  pin. 

That  there  are  two  kinds  of  college  girls.  Those  who 
pet  and  those  who  deny  it. 

That  there  is  place  for  every  thing,  and  if  you  aren't 
careful  your  escort  will  park  his  car  there. 

That  a  college  man  is  always  more  intrigued  by  a  co-ed's 
"Aye's"  than  her  "No's."  — Boston  Beanpot. 

Phi  Delta  Theta 

Ye  Morning  After 

First  campus  gad-about:  "What's  the  matter,  Tom, 
aren't  you  feeling  well  this  morning?" 

Second  fraternity  man:  "Boy,  I'm  feeling  lower  than 
the  ring  around  a  Scotchman's  bath-tub!" 

• — Washington    U.   Dirge. 

Alpha  (jlii  Sigma 


"Did  you  have  my  brown  suit  cleaned  and  pressed  while 
I  was  in  the  hospital,  dear?" 

"No,  darling  I  thought  perhaps  your  black  one  would 
look  better  in  case  anything  happened." 

—  U.  of  jyashlngton   (Jolianns. 

Kappa  Theta  Siytna 

Edward:     "You  are  the  sunshine  of  my  life!   You  alone 
reign  in  my  heart.    Without  you  life  is  but  a  dreary  cloud." 
Eva:     "Is  this  a  proposal  or  a  weather  report?" 

—  U.  of  Boston  Beanpot. 

Lambda    Chi   Alpha 

Did  you  hear  about  the  Scotch  sophomore  who  plans  to 
listen  to  the  cotillion  over  the  radio  and  look  at  his  girl's 
picture.  — Notre  Dame  Juggler. 

Delta   Alpha  Pi 

Father:  I  can  see  right  through  that  chorus  girl's 
intrigue. 

Lovesick  youth:  I  know,  dad,  but  they  all  dress  that 
way  nowadays.  — University  of  Texas  Longhorn. 

Beta  Sigma  Psi 


Fraternity  Number 


25 


Fall  needs  its  own  ties 

The  bright  ties  of  summer 
won't  quite  do  for  the  fall,  it's 
a  different  season . . .  mellower, 
quieter,  with  a  different  feel. 
You  need  some  new  Cheney 
Cravats 

They're  at  your  shop  now 
...  in  colors,  designs,  and 
weaves  for  daytime,  sports 
and  evening  wear  .  .  .  for 
every  conceivable  occasion. 

C  ]H[  IE  N  EY 

([]]RAVATS 

MADE     OF     CHENEY     SILKS 
Cheney  Brothers  .181  Madison  Ave.  .  New  York 


26 


The  SIREN 


Size  2-9 
Triple  A  to  E 


Shoes  for  Every 
Occasion 

Charm  in  Footwear  is  Not  a 
Matter  of  Price 


Some  folks  think  that  charming  shoes  must  necessarily 
he  expensive.  It's  a  foolish  idea,  as  anyone  who  has  seen 
our  new  fall  slippers  and  oxfords  will  a^ree.  "Charm" 
is  a  matter  of  smart  design,  in  harmony  with  the  season's 
mode.  We're  displaying  now  a  veritable  "Style  Show" 
of  new  models  that  are  as  smart  and  EXCLUSIVE  as 
as  an\'   \\()man  could   \\  ish. 

Two  Popular  Prices 

$5.00  and  $6.00 


Suedes,  Kids, 

Reptile   and    Patent 

Leathers 


Nelson-Carveth  Shoe  Store 


25  Main  Street  Uptown 


Opposite  First  National  Bank 


Bug  House  Fables  No.  36548720 

Thanksgiving  Day  in  the  Fraternity. 
"Good  Lord,  we've  no  hrandy  to  light  the  plum-pudding 
with."  —Bucknell  Belle  Hop. 

Delta  Kappa  Epsilon 

She  loved  the  guy  who  carried  the  pigskin ;  she  rode 
with  the  guy  in  the  coonskin;  she  learned  from  the  guy 
with  the  sheepskin ;  but  she  married  the  guy  with  the  frog- 
skin! — Notre  Dame  Juggler. 

Sigma  .Hpha  Epsilon 

Speaking  of  embarrassing  positions,  how  about  the  fire- 
men who  answered  a  general  alarm  from  Fraternity  Row 
the  other  day,  only  to  discover  that  the  excitement  was 
caused  by  steam  escaping  from  one  of  the  fraternities'  hot- 
box.  Before  they  could  get  away,  three  of  the  firemen  had 
pledged  and  signed  house  notes.    — Jl'ashington  U.  Dirge. 

Sigma  Delta  Rho 


Drawing    Prof.:      "Have    you     finished     making    your 


map.' 


Certain   Party:     "No,  dear,   I   can't   find  my  compact." 

— Annapolis  Log. 

Alpha  Sigma  Phi 


The  largest  truck  stopped  in  front  of  the  sorority  house. 
A  man,  well-dressed  in  a  suit  of  livery,  stepped  sprightly 
from  behind  the  mahogany  steering  wheel,  walked  jauntily 
up  the  stairs  to  the  door,  and  with  a  jocular  air  rang  the 
bell  most  shrilly.  Suddenly  the  door  opened  and  a  beauti- 
ful farmer's  daughter  smiled  benignly  at  the  young  man. 

"What  is  it?"  she  asked. 

The  man  did  not  not  smile.  It  was  against  orders  to 
flirt  with  damsels.  He  silently  put  his  hand  in  his  watch 
pocket  and  drew  forth  a  package  of  very  small  dimensions. 
He  handed  it  gently  but  firmly  to  the  fair  young  maiden. 

"Oh!"  she  exclaimed.     "Is  it  a  ring?" 

"No,"  he  answered,  "it's  the  sorority's  laundry  for  last 
week."  — IFash.  U.  Dirge. 

Acacia  Fraternity 

He:     Hello,  girlie,  doesn't  my  face  look  familiar? 
She:     No,  but  I  think  its  trying  to  be. 

— Colgate  Banter. 

Delta  A pha  Epsilon 

Old  Version.  "Come  into  my  parlor,"  said  the  spider 
to  the  fly. 

New  Version:  "Won't  you  come  on  upstairs  a  moment,  " 
said  the  rushing  chairman  to  the  rushee. 

— U.   of  It'ashington   Columns. 


Fraternity  Number 


27 


S'TRUTH 

All  things  being  equal,  the  average  fraternity  consists 
somewhat  about  as  follows : 

One  President — who  appears  to  be  a  little  tin  god  on 
wheels. 

One  Steward — who  is  pretty  much  ostracised  at  meal 
time. 

Three  apes — who  are  most  unintelligent,  but  who  have 
football  letters. 

Two  Intelligentsia — who  are  tolerated  'cause  they  might 
make  Phi  Bete. 

Five  Senior  Society  Men — who  abide  in  such  altitudes 
that  they  are  continually  gasping  for  breath. 

Two  mopes — whose  fathers  or  uncles  were  Tappa  Kegs. 

Fifteen  Nitwits — who  are  continually  in  different  stages 
of  intoxication  and  consider  themselves  the  only  ones  to 
appreciate  the  significance  of  the  'mystic  bonds.' 

One  Dodo — who  is  continually  writing  stuff  like  this 
for  some  publications  board.  — Cornell  Jt'idoiv. 

Alpha  Rho  Chi 

"And  as  I  stepped  off  the  train  I  was  met  by  a  squad 
of  detectives." 

"Ah!    P'lice  to  meetcha,  eh?"  — Jfash  U.  Dirge. 

Sigma  Phi  Epsilon 

No,  Willie,  a  neckerchief  isn't  the  head  of  a  sorority. 
— Jfashitigtoii  U.  Dirge. 


-Phi  Gu 


Delta- 


Art:  "Do  you  think  you  can  make  a  good  portrait  of 
my  wife?" 

Artist:  "My  friend,  I  can  make  it  so  life-like  you'll 
jump  every  time  you  see  it."         — U.  of  Boston  Beanpot. 

Delta   Chi 

Cannibal  chief:     What's  for  dinner? 
Chef :     A  missionary  and  a  college  boy. 
Chief:      Serve    the   missionary — I'm    in    no    mood     for 
canned  meat.  — Bueknell  Belle  Hop. 

Beta    Theta  Pi 

Phi  Delt:  I  love  you,  dearie. 
Hazel:  You  don't  mean  it. 
Phi       Delt:     My  Gawsh,  you're  a  mind  reader. 

—U.  of  S.  Dakota  IVet  Hen. 

Sigma  Delta  Kappa ■ 

"I'm  engaged  to  be  married  and   I've  only  known   the 
girl  two  days." 
"What  folly!" 
"Ziegfeld's."  — Syracuse  Orange  Peel. 

Alpha  Kappa  Lambda 

"What  a  whale  of  a  difference  a  few  cents  make!"  said 
the  commuter,  as  he  started  to  walk  home  with  seven  cents 
in  his  pocket.  71/.  /.  T.  J'oo-doo. 


Rialto  Theatre 

CHAMPAIGN 
Starting  Sunday,  November  2 

A  scrimmage  of  laughs — a  salvo  of  thrills 


JOE  E.  BROWN 
JOAN  BENNETT 

in 

"Maybe  It's 
vO\'e 


The  All-American  Football  Team 

Starting  Sunday,  November  9 
JOHN  BARRYMORE  in 

"MOBY  DICK" 


Rain  or  Shine 


You  can  always  get 
sen  ice  at 

KANDY'S 

Barber  Shop 

No  Waiting  12  Chairs 

623  East  Green  Street 


28 


The  SIREN 


ALL  AMERICAN  JACK  ELDER: 
.  .  "One  of  the  best  college  stories  I  have 
ever  read!" 


Huddle 


IN  THE  NOVEMBER  ISSUE 

College  Humor 

MAGAZINE 


"I  know  of  no  contemporary  who  is  better 
qualified  to  write  modern  football  fiction  than 
Francis  Wallace;  this  is  particularly  true  of 
the  kind  of  football  we  play  at  Notre  Dame, 
as  he  has  had  an  opportunity  to  observe  it 
from  the  inside  for  the  last  eleven  years. 

"I  know  that  in  his  first  novel,  Huddle. 
the  football  scenes  both  on  and  off  the  field 
will  be  authoritative  and  authentic;  more  so, 
perhaps,  than  any  long  football  story  of 
recent  years." 


For  Shame! 

At  last  she  had  fallen!  Such  a 
thintj  ivas  huiind  to  happen.  She  had 
disregarded  hotli  her  mother's  and 
father's  warnings  about  such  thint/s, 
and  now  she  was  suffering  the  con- 
sequences. Others  more  experienced 
than  she  had  already  succumbed  to 
the  disgrace.  But  she  would  not 
listen,  on  and  on  she  rvent,  and  noif 
the  mortification  of  it  all  was  un- 
bearable. Humanity  passed  by  her; 
ignored  her;  no  more  zvas  she  to  be 
respected.  With  a  painful  sigh  little 
Alicia,  aged  six,  picked  her  bruised 
body  from  the  ice  and  sloivly  re- 
moved her  ice  skates. — Pitt  Panther. 

Alpha  Xi  Delta 

Banker  (telephoning)  :  "Mr. 
Cohen,  do  you  know  your  bank  ac- 
count is  overdrawn  $17?" 

Mr.  Cohen:  "Say,  Mr.  Banker, 
look  up  a  month  ago.  How  did  I 
stand  then?     I'll  hold  the  phone." 

Banker  (returning  to  the  tele- 
phone) :  "You  had  a  balance  of 
$440." 

Mr.  Cohen:  "Veil,  did  I  call  you 
up?"  — Malteaser. 

Triangle   Fraternity 

First:  Yes,  I  guess  every  one  has 
different  desires.  Some  thirst  after 
knoivledge  and  some  after  music  and 
others  after  still  other  things. 

Second:  Well.  I  can  tell  you  one 
thing  everybody  thirsts  after. 

First:    What's  that? 

Second:  Salted  peanuts  and  pret- 
zels. — Pcnn  Punch  Boivl. 

Sigma  Phi  Sigma 

Tourist  (to  papoose)  :  So  that  big 
bad  man  busted  your  doll? 

Educated  Indian  Maiden:  The 
philosophy  of  my  forebears  forbids 
any  but  a  stoical  appearance  but  I'd 
certainly  like  to  make  that  son-of-a- 
gun  fix  the  damned  thing! 

— Kappa  Delta  Rho 

Chemistry  Instructor:  "Mr.  Jones, 
I  take  great  pleasure  in  giving  you 
87  as  your  final  grade  in  chemistry." 

Jones:  "Give  me  a  100,  sir,  and 
thoroughly  enjoy  yourself." 

— Lampoon. 

Sigma  Delta  Tau 


Fraternity  Number 


29 


FACTS  AND  FIGURES 

Nowadajs  it's  not  the  facts  that 
show  so  much  as  the  figures. 

As  has  been  opined  before,  all 
girls  can  be  divided  into  two  classes 
— pretty  ones,  and  those  who  just 
don't  care  about  dating. 

Common  sense  is  one  of  the  rarest 
things  on  earth. 

Wonder  if  the  man  who  said 
women  were  squirrelly  stopt  to 
think  that  squirrels  only  chase  nuts? 

Toil  Kapp/i  Epsi/o?i 

Dean  of  Women — "Didn't  I  see 
you  entering  a  fraternity  house  last 
night  at  9:45?" 

Co'ed — "Yes  mam,  but  I  didn't 
stay  a  minute — I  was  just  going  back 
after  my  hat." — Piii?i  State  Frater. 

Phi  Kappa  Psi 

"Hurrah!  I  just  made  a  hole  in 
one-half!" 

"One-half  what?" 
"One-half   an   hour!" 

— Pitt  Panther. 

Alpha  Epsilon  Phi 

Harassed  father:  My  son's  ex- 
penses at  college  are  terrible.  And 
the  worst  of  all  are  the  languages. 

Friend  :    Languages !    How's  that  ? 

Harassed  father:  Here's  one  item 
on  his  account  which  says:  "For 
Scotch,    $250!"  — Longhorn. 

Beta  Sigma  Psi 

Does  your  brother  live  at  a  fra- 
ternity house^  or  has  he  ahvays  had 
such  terrible  table  manners^ 

— Sun  Dial. 

Phi  Epsilon   Pi 

"Pastor  Resigns  to  Be  Janitor, 
Gets  More  Pay."  .  .  .  San  Francisco 
Chronicle. 

Will  take  up  collection. 

— California  Pelican. 

Chi  Tau 

A  college  girl 
Is  like  a  cop — 
When   she   gets   hard 
It's  time  to  stop. 

—K.  U.  Sour  Owl. 


Oscar  Shaw  in  hii  rfrcssin/r-i 

of  Caloir  Silk 


WAISTCOATS   OF  REAL   QUALITY 

Before  you  buy  a  dress  or  dinner  waistcoat, 
make  it  a  point  to  look  for  the  green  label  of 
Catoir  Vesting  on  the  strap.  If  it  is  not  there, 
you  may  be  certain  that  you  are  not  getting 
the  best  in  either  fabric  or  workmanship. 

CatoiR 

IPronoimcet!  "KAT-WAH"1 
VESTINGS       FACINGS       LININGS 


NOW. . . 

BRAHMS     SYMPHONY 

No.  2  in  D  MAJOR 
recorded  bySTOKOWSKI 
on  yictor  Records  and  the 
Philadelphia  Orchestra. 
Hear  this  great  masterpiece 
today:  Victor  Album  M-82, 
Victor  Records  7277-7282 


The  Music  You  Want 
When  You  Want  It  On 


GO     HOME 

AND    TELL    YOUR 

MOTHER 

HEAR  this  merry,  merry  mel- 
ody of  happy  heartbeats  set 
to  music... recorded  for  Victor 
—and  how!  by  Gus  Arnhcim  and 
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Other  Victor  Record  hits,  too . . . 
each  one  "the  Broadway  ber- 
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mood  and  moment.The  greatest 
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exclusively  for  Victor,  in  every 
field. 

22S05- 

tiO  HOME  AIVD  TELL 

TOITR  MOTHER 

I'm  Doin'  That  Thing 

Gus  Arnheim  and  Orch, 
22506— Confessin' 
My  Bluebird  Was  Caught  in 
the  Rain 
Rudy  Vallee  and  Orch. 
22515— Sing 
I  Still  Get  a  Thrill 

Ted  Weems  and  Orch. 
23000— Okay  Baby 
I  Want  a  Little  Baby 

McKinney's  Cotton  Pickers 


Victor  Records 

RCA  VICTOR  CO.,   Inc.,   CAMDEN,  N.   J. 


30 


The  SIREN 


Bond  Street  Spats 

On  Well  Dressed  Ankles 


Smart  st>'les,  snug  fit  and  comfort  are  just 
as  essential  to  the  spats  as  spats  are  to  cor- 
rect dress.  That  is  why  you'll  find  famous 
BOND  STREET  SPA  IS— expertly  tailored 
from  autiioritative  patterns — on  the  really 
well  dressed  ankles  today.  Gome  in  and  see 
the  full  line  in  a  wide  choice  of  patterns. 

$1.50  — $2.00 
SPALDING  SHOE  STORE 

19  Main  Champaign 


OFFSIDE 


"Yes, 


bi- 


Football  player   (after  a  fashion 
tion  to  be  a  judge  some  day." 

She:      "You    are    fortunate.      Your   experience   on    the 
bench  will  be  very  useful  then."  — Virginia  Reel. 

Pi  Kappa  Alpha 

Customer:     "Do  you  have  any  fresh  sweet  corn?" 
Grocer:     "George,  go  out  and  see  if  that  corn  is  ripe 
enough  to  sell  yet."  — Carnegie  Tech  Puppet. 

Delta  Tau  Delia 

Credited  to  a  D.  U. : 
"Go  wash  your  face  and  neck  for  dinner." 
"All  right  to  the  last  phrase,  but  I'll  be  damned  if  I'll 
wash  just  for  dinner."  — Ohio  State  Sun  Dial. 

Psi   Upsilon 

He:     Where  were  you  all  my  life? 
She :     Where  I  should  be  now. 

— U.  of  Southern   California  JVariipus. 

Phi  Sigma  Kappa 

He:     Hello  baby! 

She:     I'll  have  you  know  I'm  nobody's  baby. 

He:     Aha,  an  orphan.  — Carnegie  Tech  Puppet. 

Theta  Xi 


Teacher:     "If  a  group  of  sheep  is  a  flock,  and  a  group 
of  cattle  a  herd,  what  is  the  name  for  a  group  of  camels?" 
Johnny:     "A  carton."  — IVashington   U.  Dirge. 

Thrta  Nu  Epsilon • 

Our  Modem  Maidens 

A  favorite  of  ours  is  the  one  about  the  mother  who  was 
giving  her  four-year-old  daughter  a  scolding. 

"I'm  surprised  at  you,"  grumbled  the  mother;  "you  go 
right  upstairs  and  wash  your  face  and  neck!" 

"Who?"  asked  the  child.  — Exchange. 

Chi  Phi 

Then  there  were  two  Forestry  students  who  went  out 
to  look  for  a  couple  of  Babes  in  the  woods. 

— Colgate  Banter. 

Sigma  Alpha  Mu 

"So  you're  a  fraternity  brother  of  mine?  Give  me  the 
grip." 

"Sorry,  bud,  I  have  just  a  bad  cold." — M.  I.  T.  I'oodoo. 

Beta  Chi 

Dear  Dad: 

For  the  sixth  time  I'm  asking  you  for  money.     I'm  flat. 

Frank. 
Dear  Frank: 

Sweat  for  your  money.     I  did.  Dad. 

Dear  Dad: 

I've  been  doing  nothing  else  since  I  sent  you  that  first 
wire.  Frank. 

— Penn.  Punch  Boivl. 

Alpha  Chi  Rho 

"Just  a  Little  Closer — " 

"Couldn't  you  get  just  a  little  closer.  I  know,  but 
please,  don't  put  your  arm  around  my  neck  that  way.  Yes, 
the  music  is  good.  That's  quite  all  right,  I  like  you  to  rub 
my  face  that  way.  Your  hands  are  so  soft.  Isn't  that  a 
fox-trot  they  are  playing  now?  You  do  dance  wonderfully. 
Couldn't  you  pay  a  little  more  attention  to  me?  Here  is 
Harry  coming  in  now.  Please.  I  know  but  shut  oi?  that 
radio  and  go  on  with  the  shave." — Notre  Dame  Juggler. 

Delta  Phi 

Speaking  of  force  of  habit,  how  about  the  bootlegger's 
son  who  got  kicked  out  of  school  because  of  over-cutting? 
— //  ashington  U.  Dirge. 

Delta  Theta  Phi 

Coach :  Say,  what's  the  matter  with  you  fellows.  You 
played  terribly.  You  didn't  execute  the  plays  correctly;  you 
didn't  charge  like  you  should  have.     What's  wrong? 

Player:  Well,  coach,  )ou  told  us  to  play  like  we  never 
played  before.  — So.  Calif.  U'ampus. 


\\    Fraternity  Number 


31 


Scientists  report  that  fleas  can  go  without  food  for  two 

i       weeks.     But  thev  won't.  — Grinnell  Malteaser. 

i 

Sigma  Pi 

She:     "Say,  it's  past  midnight.     Do  you  think  you  can 
I      stay  here  all  night?" 

He:     "Gosh,  I'll  have  to  telephone  mother  first." 

— Exchange. 

Tluta  Delta  Chi 

Things  ain't  like  they  usta  be.  I  see  where  the  Chi  Psis 
are  adding  a  tea  room  to  their  lawdge."  The  Betas  are 
now  serving  cream  puffs  for  dinner  (probably  to  keep  that 
athletic  figure.)  The  Sigma  Nus  have  fallen  for  tlie 
strenuous  sport  of  ping-pong.  It's  no  wonder,  then,  that 
the  grounds  committee  went  to  put  beds  of  dainty  pansies 
hither  and  thither  about  the  campus.  — Lchigh-Burr. 

Alpha  Gamma  Rho 

! 

Frosh:     "Do  they  flunk  many  fellows  at  Washington?" 
Soph:     "Yes,  they  have  a  great  faculty  for  that." 

— Washington  U.  Dirge. 

Sigma  Phi  Sigma 

We  don't  permit  foreigners  to  attend   this  dance. 
Whatta  you  mean,  huh?    Ain't  there  polish  all  over  the 
floor  ?  — Carnegie  Tech  Puppet. 

Alpha  Delta  Phi • 

This  one  happened  in  summer  school,  disproving  the  old 
contention  that  nothing  ever  happens  in  summer  school.  The 
scene  is  an  English  Lit  class,  it's  English  that's  lit,  and  not 
the  class. 

"What,"  asked  the  professor,  "the  the  silent  watches  of 
the  night?" 

"The  one's  the  boys  forgot  to  wind,"  drawled  the  boy 
in  the  back  row.  — Syracuse  Orange  Peel. 

Theta  Alpha 

George  is  the  kind  of  a  fellow  that  changes  the  needle 
on  the  fraternity  house  victrola.  — Carnegie  Tech  Puppet. 

Farmhouse  Fraternity 

Senior:  Well,  Frosh,  having  taken  freshman  English, 
what  do  you  think  of  O.  Henry? 

Frosh:     O.  K.,  but  the  nuts  stick  in  my  teeth. 

— Buffalo  Bison. 

Tau  Kappa  Epsilon 

First  Hebrew  Courtier:  Solomon's  always  talking  about 
his  harem. 

Second  Ditto:     Yeah,  it's  his  pet  subject. 

— California  Pelcan. 

Theta  Kappa  Phi 


Now  that  Homecoming  is  over, 
let's  be  thinking  about 

Dad's  Day 


We  had  wonderful  success  with  your 
Homecoming  orders  because  you  gave 
us  real  co-operation. 

Please  order  early  for  DAD'S  DAY. 

Thank  You! 

BERRYMAN  BAKERY 


213  South  Neil  Street 


Phone  4161 


PICTURES 


ARE 

INDISPENSIBLE 

SUCCESSFUL 
PUBLICATION 

Etcliir»,oV> 

Phot'o^Enoi'Os>>)inps 

Colo  npl^at^  s^ 


GRGRUBBcCQ 

ENGRAVEllS      ,'< 
CHAMPAIGN,       ^' 


1 


I 


32 


The  SIREN 


Football 
Number 


Dad's  Day,  Army  game,  Ohio  game,  are  all 
featured  in  the  next  issue  of  the  Siren,  the 
football  number. 

Stories,  cracks,  cartoons,  drawings  made  by 
mini    for   Illini   are   featured   in   every  issue. 

You  can't  afford  to  miss  a  single  issue.  If 
you  haven't  a  subscription,  just  write  to  the 
Siren,  Illinois  Union  building.  Champaign, 
enclosing  $1.00  in  your  letter  and  we  will 
forward  vou  the  next  six  issues. 


The  SIREN 


Pi  Beta  Phi 

")'ju  say  several  eollege  tiien  propnsed  in  youf"  he 
said,  savagely. 

"Yes,  several,"  replied  the  icife.  "Really  quite  a  number." 

"IVell,  I  only  iiisli  you  had  married  the  first  damn  foot 
iihn  proposed." 

"/  did."  — Texas  Ranger. 

Phi  Kappa    Tau 

Reformer:  Little  bov ,  do  you  see  that  brazen  creature 
over  there  bedecked  in  all   those  furs? 

Little  boy:    Yes,  sir.     IVIy  papa. 

Reformer:  Well,  do  you  know  what  poor  creature  had 
to  suffer  in  order  for  her  to  have  those  furs? 

Little  boy:   Yes,  sir,  My  papa. 

Sigma  Phi  Epsilon 

Freshman :  I  want  some  paint  without  lead  in  it. 

Salesman  :  What  do  you  mean  ? 

Freshman:  I  was  told  to  get  the  lightest  colors  you 
have.  — Punch  Boivl. 

Beta  Kappa 

ll'oeful  looking  Freshman  comes  into  drug  store. 
"Do  you  have  any  liquor?" 
"No;  I  am  sorry." 

ff'ith  a  sigh:    "All  right,  then,  give  ?ne  a  Coca  Cola." 

— Punch  Bowl. 

Acacia  Fraternity 

Customer:    A  ham  sandwich,  and  make  it  snappy! 
Waiter:     OK,   sir.    Ham   on    rye,   Joe,   with   chopped 
rubber  relish !  — Pitt  Panther. 

Alpha  Kappa  Lambda 

The  Commencement  Procession  was  just  passing  the 
new  Liberal  Arts  building. 

"For  four  years  I  have  been  chiseling,  and  look  where 
I  am  now,"  cursed  an  unseen  mason  at  work  as  he  gazed 
with  envious  eyes  on  the  graduates. 

"You're  not  the  only  one,  baby,"  cried  a  flowing-gowned 
chorus.  — Penn  State  Frater. 

Phi  Pi  Phi 

Coach:  (to  football  manager)  "*?!  !&%  ?  all  the  time 
losing  things.  Can't  you  ever  remember  where  you  put 
equipment  ?  You  never  heard  of  a  hen  mislaying  her  eggs, 
did  you?" 

Phi  Mu  Delta 

"Aw  go  butter  your  ears,"  the  chief  cook  told  his  as- 
sistant as  he  handed  him  back  a  plateful  of  corn. 

— Pitt  Panther. 

Anubis  Fraternity 

'Tis  said  that  where  there  is  life  there  is  hope.  But  look 
at  the  Alpha  Xi  Deltas!  — U.  of  Kansas  Sour  Qui. 


:.yiy>yjiiii^mHf^^^'A.4i^^^^^^^ 


Step  Out  from  the  Crowd 


Suits  and 
Overcoats 

smartly 
fashioned 


^ 


It's  all  in  the  cut  and  tailoring  that  goes  with  it!  That  unbeatable  conibinatiiin  when 
applied  to  men's  clothing.  FLYNN'S  demanded  the  better  fabrics  and  the  individual 
cutting  in  our  suits.  While  the  cost  has  been  an  additional  one  to  us.  it  has  produced 
the  dilVerence  between  average  clothes  and  FLYNN'S  clothes. 


FLYNN'S 


604  EAST  GREEN 


ON  THE  CAM  PI  S 


2©g©7?)  CP&QysD(£D^ 


S^iw 


It's  toasted 

Your  Throat  Protection  — 
against  irritation  —  against  cough> 


9<^ 


FOOT  BAIL 

NUMBER 


■  he  bi^^est  little  antidote 
for  over-work  since  the  invention  of  Tom  Thumb 
golf    .     .     .     cigarettes  that  really  SATISFY! 


MILDER  ..  AND   *^  BETTER  TASTE 


1930,  Liggett  &  Myers  Tobacco  Co. 


Football  Number 


\ 


1/A 


Its  great  to  know 
There's  a  place  to  go 
When  a  fellow  has  a  date 

AND  WANTS  TO  HEAR  THE 
LATEST   IN   SONG   HITS 

You  can   always  be   assured  of  hearino;  your 
fa\  orite  tunes  when  vou  dance  the  h^^ht  fantastic 


at  College  Hall 


WITH 


FRANK  ZELL 

and  His  Collegians 

Modern  and  rhythmic  tunes 
Where  the  fellow  takes  his  date 
When  he  wants  to  gi\  e  her  a  break 


COLLEGE  HALL 

"Dance  on  the  Campus" 


The  SIREN 


Special  Buses  Thanksgiving  Vacation 


To 

MOLINE 

ROCK  ISLAM) 

DAVENPORT 

OTTAWA 

S'FREATOR 

JOLIET 

AURORA 

ELGIN 

PITTSFIELD 

QUINGY 


To 

MORRISON 
STERLING 
LA  SALLE 

PERU 

MENDOTA 

OREGON 

ROGKFORD 

BENTON 

MT.  VERNON 

W.  FRANKFORT 

MARION 


Leaves  Prehns-on-Green  11:30  A.  M.  Wednesday,  November  26th 
Return — Monday  A.  M.  December  1st 

PARKHILL'S  TOURS 

Phone  4848  or  make  reservations — Prehns-on-Green — between  1  and  5:30  P.  M. 


FOOD-WISE 

and 
Purse  —  Pleasing 

You  will  always  find  pure  food 
and  reasonable  prices 

AT 

OSTRAND'S 

CAFETERIA 

On  the  Campus 


Mistaken  Identity 

An  Italian,  Guisippi  Guiricka, 
Found  a  cat  with  a  black-and-uhite-streaka. 
He  stooped  down  to  pet  it — 
Gosh,  does  he  regret  it! 
Eureka!    Guiricka,  you  reecka! 

— Georgia  Tech   Yellrnc  Jacket. 

S 

"/  hear  they're  putting  an  advertise nient  for  Ethyl  Gaso- 
line in  Roeijiieic  Penitentiary.  " 

"I  don't  sec  iihere  that's  going  to  get  them  any  busi- 
ness." 

"Jf'ell.  y'knoii\  Ethyl  Gasoline  for  that  quick  getaivay." 
— Penn  State  Froth. 


Sig  Alt:     "Say  didn't  I  see  your  roommate  weari[ig  that 
suit  last  year?" 

K.  A.:     "Yes,  but  I'm  a  sophomore  now  and  they  let 
mc  wear  it.     You  see  I  bought  it." 

— L  .  of  Kentucky  Moonshiner. 


Macbeth:     Where    the   Hell   are   those   three    old   hags. 
Banquo? 

Voice  from  Noii'here:    Don't  get  excited,  Mac  old  dear, 
and  ire'll  bewitches  in  a  minute.      — Wisconsin  Octopus. 


Football  Number 


They  made  36 

livires  groiiv  livliere  only 

one  grei^  before 

''No  product  or  process  is  ever  beyond  improvement", 
eay  Western  Electric  manufacturing  engineers.   For  ex- 
Yesterday,  the  100  wire  cable—  ample,  see  what  they  did  with  telephone  cable . . .  Through 

today  the  3636.  Development  work 
goes  steadily  forward 

years  of  patient  trial  they  advanced  from  a  crude  100  wire  cable  to  one  only  slightly 
larger  which  contained  2424  wires — until  recently  the  biggest  cable  that  could  be  laid  in 
existing  conduits . . .  Still  further  eflFort  produced  the  3636  wire  cable  of  exactly  the  same 
diameter  as  the  2424!  Thus  they  have  met  the  challenge  of  limited  space  in  crowded  cable 
ducts  and  have  supplied  facilities  for  constantly  greater 
use  of  the  telephone  .  .  .  There's  a  real   thrill   in   this 


1    /-      ,  ,1  Absorbing  ivork  plus  out-of-hours 

habit  ol  eeekiug  and  hnding  the  new  and  better  way !         recreation  —  both  are  found  at 

Western  Electric. 


Western  Electric 

M.anufacturers     Vurckasers     Distributors 


SINCE     1882     FOR    ^«^     THE     BELL    SYSTEM 


The  SIREN 


Lars    Halvorsen Make-Up   Editor 

Marion   Irrmann Excliange  Editor 

Alice   Ireland Literary  Editor 

Lou  Ruskin Art  Editor 

Harold    Bowen Assistant  Art   Editor 

Charles  Jacobson,  Sidncv  Turner,  H.  E.  Nelson,  Dorothy  Pelzer,  Tom  Powers,  Eleanor  Dollins, 
lleiirv  Avery,  O.  Becker,  Martha  Righter,  Douglas  Frost,  Ceneva  Hitt,  Clifford  McCartin,  Ed 
Malley,  Marion  Peterson,   Hal  Jewell,   David  Jones,  Helen  Clayton,   Helen   Hownrth. 

Business  Staff 

M.    K.   (losncll Id-vcrtisinij  Mgr.  John  McCormick Asst.  Cir.  Mgr. 

Ray  Ball Ass't  Adv.  Mgr.  Virginia  Edes Asst.  Cir.  Mgr. 

Virginia   Morton Iss't  .idv.  Mgr.  William    Zoeller Collection   Mgr. 

Joe  Gallentine Circulation  Mgr.  Betty   Lou    Hughes Office  Mgr. 

Haveland  Connally,  Charlotte  Schminkc,  Evelyn  Nelson,  Mary  Henley,  Otto  "Stew"  Murphy, 
Willie   Seifert,  King  Cole,  Janet  Feller. 

Published  monthly  by  the  Illini  Publishing  Company,  University  of  Illinois,  during  the  college  year. 
Entered  as  second-class  matter  at  the  Post-Oftice  at  Urbana,  Illinois,  by  act  of  Congress,  March  3,  1879. 
Office  of  publication.  Illini  Publishing  Company.  Subscription  price  $1.00  the  year.  Address  all  com- 
munications, Illinois  Union  Building.  Champaign,  Illinois.  Copyright,  1930,  by  The  Siren.  Exclusive  reprint 
rights  granted  to  C)llgeflllniOr  magazine. 


Contents 


COVER Ernest  Freed 

Madame  X  Says 7 

How  to  Play  Football,  by  .41  \iess 10 

Much  Ado  About  Nothing,  by  Henry  Avery 14 

At  the  Football  Game,  by  Charles  .lardhsnn 16 

Coming  Distractions,  by  .-fUee  Ireland 18 


Football  Nimiber 


HERE  IT  IS 

Tin's  is  the  l()iif;-;i\\aiti'(l,  li)nti-hoped-tor  Football  numbcT  of  the  SIREN!  Read  it  ()\er  and  you  will 
know  all  there  is  about  football.  If  \ou  don't  feel  in  training  when  you  get  through,  call  the  Health 
Ser\ice  Station  and  let  them  look  you  over — it's  free. 

The  next  issue  of  the  SIREN  will  be  CHRISTMAS  number.  It  will  be  hot  off  the  presses,  De- 
cember 19,  so  that  you  will  have  it  to  read  on  the  way  home  to  that  Christmas  vacation.  All  contributions 
will  be  gladly  received  and  should  be  placed  in  the  SIREN  box,  under  the  west  stairs  in   L'ni  Hall. 


A  PRESSING  MATTER 

In  an  effort  perhaps  to  ameliorate  the  deplorable  state  of  unemployment,  student  and  otherwise,  it  is 
suggested,  advised,  and  urged  that  Illini  men  and  women  take  up  the  gainful  occupation  of  matching  wits — 
as  opposed  to  what,  in  the  vidgar  parlance  for  want  of  a  more  graphic  word  is  termed  "necking." 

The  question  first  arises  as  to  what  benefits  would  accrue  therefrom.  The  proponents  of  this  nien- 
tally  stimulating  diversion  maintain  that  if  you  date  with  ulterior  motives  none  other  than  a  stiff  round  of 
wit-matching,  the  evening  will  be  pleasant,  profitable,  and  without  regrets,  or  words  to  that  effect.  An 
evening  of  exhilarating,  scintillating  cerebral  communication  is  sure  to  result.  Such  naive  faith  in  the  in- 
tellectual reaches  of  our  students  is  appreciated,  and  ought  to  be  justified. 

But  immediately  another  question  raises  its  head.  Are  those  who  are  at  all  capable  of  any  liigh 
powered  mental  fencing  the  ones  who  stoop  low  and  often  to  that  particular  form  of  anatomical  disposition 
(vertical,  horizontal,  or  45°  angle)  under  discussion.?  Ordinarily  not,  unless  ennui  induced  by  a  lack  of 
skill, — the  return  of  parry  and  thrust, — in  a  partner  wearies  them.  Or  put  it  this  way.  If  persons  are 
stupid  enough  to  neck  promiscuously,  indiscriminately,  and  puerilely  (for  it  is  a  hangover  of  adolescence), 
would  they  be  smart  enough  to  call  "heads"  or  "tails"  in  a  conversation  approaching  evenly  remotely  the 
trenchant,  the  pungent,  the  learned?    The  answer,  my  dear  readers  is  apt  to  be  a  matter  of  two  letters. 

The  proponents  of  necking  have  to  offer  but  one  sLibject  for  an  evening's  so-called  entertainment,  with 
perhaps  a  few  variations  depending  on  the  deevlopment  of  technique, — but  it  is  hound  to  pall  e\entuall\ 
even  on  the  most  stupid.  Benefits  derived  at  best  are  dubious,  and  certainly  transient.  And  the  question 
is  debatable  as  to  whether  the  indulgence  is  mutually  enjoyable.  In  a  large  number  of  cases  (see  files)  while 
the  one  party  may  be  enthusiastic,  the  other  is  merely  submissive. 

The  point  at  issue  is  not  new.  Is  it  to  be  mental  lassitude  and  physical  activity,  or  physical  passivity 
with  mental  agilit\'  ? 


Valuable  Facts  to  Be  Eearned  From  Every  F^reshniaii 
Upon  Matriculation 

1.  Is  mental  delinquency  a  common  trait  in  your  family?     Then  why  did  you  come  to  the  University? 

2.  Are  you  going  to  drop  the  courses  you're  taking,  or  don't  you  mind  flunking  out? 

3.  Are  you  aiming  to  be  virtuous,  or  are  you  planning  to  join  a  fraternity  or  sorority? 

4.  Are  you  going  to  work  on  the  Illini,  or  did  you  come  here  for  an  education? 

3.     Are  you  planning  to  date  other  students,  or  are  you  determined  to  lead  a  wholesome  life? 

6.  Do   you   every   worry,    or   do   you    still    have  a  "sweet   16"   record? 

7.  Are  you  going  to  get  a  permit  to  dri\e  a  car,    or   have   you    already   made   the    acquaintance   of   a 
dean  spy? 

5.  Are  you  going  to  study,  or  do  you  expect  to  date  your  instructors? 

').      Do   you   prefei-   Kappa   Beta   Phi   to   Phi    Beta  Kappa,  or  do  you  disapprove  of  the  sinjile  standard? 
10.   Shall  you  enter  politics,  or  will  \ou  work  youi-  way  through  school? 


The  SIREN 


llicic.    IVni\al,    ;iihI    ilf 


Football  Terms 

"Ofi-s'idc  kick" — statue  of  victorious  Amazonian  wife 
sitting  upon  stomach  of  prostrate  husband. 

"Punt" — the  lowest  form  of  humor. 

"Full-back" — drunken  football  player. 

"Interference" — any  sorority  house  mother  at  the  hours 
of  10:00,  11  :00,  and  12:30  P.  M.  respectively. 

"Time" — fellow  taken  "out"  more  than  anyone  else 
on  the  team. 

"Substitute" — beware  of  these — "insist  on  the  original, 
etc.,  etc." 

"Guard" — prevents  good  pearls,  etc.  from  leaving  home. 

"Side-lines" — selling  Fuller-Brushes,  playing  drums, 
demonstrating  fire-cookers  to  45  house  wives,  and  taking 
out  Delta  Gams. 

"Safety" — no  such  thing  possible  in  a  football  game. 

"Fair  Catch" — Lois  Weisman  in  the  dark. 

"Penalty" — what  happens  to  criminals  who  are  caught, 
and  to  Bob  Kennedy  for  passing  9  hours  of  C. 

"Pass" — noise  made  by  bridge  and  poker  pla\crs  at  odd 
intervals — what  our  athletes  never  do. 

"Triple-pass" — three  fraternity  bros.  sitting  together  in 
a  final  exam. 

"Quarter  back' — what  Bob  Leicester  wanted  for  his 
Homecoming  badge. 

"Pig-skin" — these  gloves  have  been  banished  for  ever 
from  the  Sammies,  Zebes,  and  A.  E.  Pi's. 

"Roughing  the  kicker" — Stan  Bodman  smothering  any 
Pi  Phi  for  fun — just  good  clean  fun! 

"End-run" — damage  found  in  LTnited  Hosiery  .  .  .! 

"Kick-off" — futile  command  given  to  any  "blind  date." 

"Tuo  had  consecutive  passes' — the  last  two  passes — 
( above ) . 

"End" — this  is  it. 


A  CO-ED  MUSES 

Gee,  it's  a  keen  day,  but  is  it  cold !  .  .  .  Cjlad  1  wore  this 
raccoon  .  .  .  wonder  who  that  good-looking  man  with  the 
pipe  is?  .  .  .  There's  Claire  .  .  .  ouchy  looking  man  she's 
witli  .  .  .  oh,  look,  there's  the  band  .  .  .  aren't  they  just  too 
cute  .  .  .  there  goes  the  ball  .  .  .  wonder  if  Jack  will  take  me 
to  junior  prom.  ...  1  can  borrow  Kay's  new  green  formal 
.  .  .  good\-,  he's  got  the  ball  .  .  .  looks  like  Jim  .  .  .  oh,  he 
tripped  .  .  .  hi,  Bud,  how  are  you  .  .  .  give  me  a  light  will 
\()u.^  .  .  .  did  we  make  a  touchdown  .  .  .  no?  .  .  .  what  a 
shame  .  .  .  wonder  how  much  longer  this  will  last.  .  .  .  I'm 
getting  cold  .  .  .  the  other  team  made  a  touchdown?  .  .  . 
some  team  we've  got  this  year,  I'll  say  .  .  .  I'm  cold  .  .  . 
guess  I'll  leave  .  .  .  stick!  .  .  .  stick!  ...  let  them  stay  and 
freeze  .  .  .  I'm  leaving. 


Reasons  Why  I  Game  to  College 

Because  everyone  else  was  coming. 

Because  I  expected  to  meet  an  eligible  man  (woman). 
I'm  still  expecting. 

Because  I  didn't  know  what  else  to  do. 

Because  I  expected  to  meet  an  eligible  man  (woman). 

Because  my  folks  wanted  me  to. 

Because  I  wanted  to  join  a  sorority  (fraternity). 

Because  I  wanted  to  see  if  college  were  like  the  movies. 
I  found  out ! 

Because  I  was  too  lazy  to  go  to  work. 

Because  I  wanted  to  play  football. 

Because  I  wanted  to  meet  an  eligible  .  .  . 


Co-ed:     "Honey,  I  want  an  ice  cream  sundae." 
Boy  friend:     "All   right,  dear,   remind  me  of  it  again. 
This  is  only  Thursday." 

S 

Captain    (sharply)  :    "Button  up  that  coat." 
Married   recruit    (absently)  :    "Yes,  dear." 
-S- 


Ginshci;;    smashes   tin 


Football  Number 


madame  X  says^ 


The  team  was  headed  towards 
httle  old  New  York.  As  the  train 
Ilea  red  Detroit,  the  mighty  Bob  Con- 
over  was  seen  to  stealthily  put  on  his 
clothes,  and  go  to  the  door  of  the 
car,  where  he  waited  for  the  train  to 
stop. 

About  this  same  time,  numerous 
reports  were  coming  to  the  Detroit 
police  to  look  out  for  a  girl  who  was 
burning  up  the  roads  between  the 
outskirts  of  the  town  and  the  station. 
As  the  train  halted,  our  exalted  hero 
and  the  above  mentioned  frail,  em- 
braced each  other  for  fully  two 
minutes.  The  train  started  up,  our 
hero  got  back  on  it,  and  the  beautiful 
young  damsel  went  back  to  the  out- 
skirts of  Detroit  with  a  smile  on  her 
lips,  and  a  song  in  her  heart. 

Wot  a  man !  Wot  a  man !  And 
tn  think,  that  a  man  with  such  a 
power  over  women,  is  in  our  midst! 


One  of  the  sweetest  couples  we 
have  seen  is  Doc  Johnson,  Theta  Chi, 
and  his  little  girl  all  dressed  in 
brown,  who  walk  aimlessly  around 
the  streets  of  Champaign  holding 
hands  in  broad  daylight. 


Miss  Jane  Landee,  Chi  C),  (Jane 
you  don't  know  how  it  hurts  us  to 
print  this)  was  seen  the  other  day 
with  a  Delt  pin  on.  The  peculiar 
thing  is,  that  a  Jane  is  not  dating  any 
Delts  that  we  know  of,  but  as  she 
explains,  "I  always  wanted  a  Delt 
pin,  .so  I  borrowed  this  one  from  one 
of  the  sisters." 

Delta  Tau  Delta,  have  you  no 
manlisness  left?  Would  you  not 
not  come  to  the  aid  of  a  lady  in 
distress?  Surely,  among  your  vast 
numbers,  there  is  one  among  you  that 
will  only  be  too  willing  to  give  his 
pin  to  this  truly  charming  young 
lady.  Come!  Show  your  spirit!  A 
pin    for  Jane! 


■**The  above  information,  netted 
its  donor  two  tickets  to  the  current 
show  at  the  R.  K.  O.  Virginia.  We 
thank  You! 


Since  the  Alpha  Phis  in  their 
annex  across  from  the  Phi  Delt 
house  instituted  the  system  of  "shades 
down  when  lights  are  on"  the  Phi 
Delts  report  only  one  pair  of  field 
glasses  on  their  third  floor. 


Roy  Smith,  T.  U.  O.  is  to  be  found 
at  his  new  home  in  the  Residence 
Hall,  at  least  he  and  Clara  seem  to 
be  monopolizing  the  living  room 
about  ten  hours  per  day. 


MADAME  X  WILL 
GIVE 

two  tickets  to 
THE  R.  K.  O.  VIRGINIA 

for  the   best   contribution   printed   on 
this  page  in  the  next  issue. 

Put  contributions  in  the  Siren  box 
under  the  steps  on  the  first  floor  of 
Uni.  Hall.  All  names  of  contribu- 
tors will  be  kept  in  secrecy. 


It  was  growing  dark  in  front  nf 
the  Alpha  Phi  hovel,  and  about  half 
the  house  was  saying  good-bye  to  a 
yoimg  man  named  Jonnie.  Jonnie 
strolled  off  manfully,  but  as  he 
walked  away  one  Alpha  Phi  was 
very  anxious  to  detain  him.  "Good- 
bye, Jonnie!"  she  called. 

"So  long  Merl,"  answered  Jonnie. 
At  once  the  sweet  young  thing  ran  to 
Jonnie,  put  her  arms  around  his 
neck,  and  turned  him  around.  "Oh! 
said  he  surprised  like,  I'm  sorry 
Marian,  I  couldn't  see  you  in  the 
dark." 

Rushing  to  the  nearest  phone  we 
called  the  Alpha  Phis.  "Is  Marian 
there?"  we  asked.  And  who  do  you 
supposed  answered  ?  Miss  Marian 
Craig  answered.  "Marian,  we  asked, 
what  is  Jonnie's  last  name?" 

"I  don't  know  his  last  name,  she 
cooed,  but  he's  a  Sig  Ep.'" 

And  now  we  know  why  bo\s 
pledge  Sig  Ep! 


The  following  letter  will  explain 
in  part,  how  pviblicity  gave  Miss 
Jean  MacDonald  a  trip  to  New 
York.  This  letter  we  think  explains 
itself,  so  we  leave  it  for  your  own 
investigation. 


Macdonald  to  Manhattan 
Campaign   Headquarters 

October  28,  1030. 
Dear  Fraternity  or  Sorority  Member: 

We  are  taking  this  opportunity  to 
write  to  you  on  behalf  of  Miss  Jean 
Macdonald,  who  as  you  undoubtedly 
know,  is  a  candidate  in  the  Bradley 
popularity  contest. 

Miss  Macdonald  is  the  clean-cut, 
courageous  type  of  American  girl 
that  you  would  be  proud  to  have  as 
\our  sister.  She  is  a  far  cry  from 
the  jazz-mad  flapper  that  is  infesting 
the  American  campus  today.  Kindly, 
sympathetic,  sweet-dispositioned,  lov- 
able, far-sighted,  discreet  and  demo- 
cratic— all  these  adjectives  and  more 
can  be  applied  to  our  candidate — 
Mi.ss  Macdonald. 

Those  of  you  who  have  been 
watching  the  election  know  that  Miss 
Macdonald  has  been  running  an  ex- 
cellent race.  In  order  to  bring  her 
candidacy  to  a  large  group  of  Ulini, 
we  are  sending  this  letter  to  all  or- 
ganized houses.  Suitable  arrange- 
ments have  been  negotiated  with  In- 
dependent leaders  to  assure  us  of 
their  votes. 

So — let's  put  our  shoulders  to  the 
wheel  and  push  "True  Blue"  Mac- 
donald over. 

Crusadingly  yours, 

Cdtiifiriiffn  Guidance  (Joi/i/iiit/rr 
Macdonald  to  Manhattan 

P.  S.  Truly  it  can  be  said  :  "To 
knou'  her  is  to  love  her." 


The  band  was  marching  down 
Fifth  avenue  in  New  York,  when  a 
gentleman,  who  would  vulgarly  be 
called  a  hobo,  walks  up  to  Director 
Harding,  and  toviching  him  on  the 
shoulder  said,  "Say  pardner,  how 
abovit  loaning  me  two-bits  to  get 
something  to  eat." 

.As  rumor  has  it,  Harding  replied 
in  a  rather  haughty  voice,  "Hell,  get 
in  line!  What  do  yuh  think  I'm 
marchin'  for  anvhow?" 


r//('SIKEN 


"N 


,'.«»••  •P»*  \tfTtjt »» ii « . . ,  V  V.,' '»:;  r,  ;*,'. ; ; 


Jjlrnnr^lltn 


Diary  of  a  Football  Captain's  Girl 

Wednesday:  Went  to  Feldlcamps  with  15ob — he's  just 
wonderful.     Showed  nie  his  broken  wrist. 

Thursday:  Went  to  Prehn's  with  Bob — he's  just 
marvelous.     Showed  me  his  broken  shoulder. 

Friday:  Went  to  Park  with  Hob — he's  just  too  sweet. 
Broke  bench  when  he  sat  down. 

Saturday:  'Went  to  game.  Bob  made  two  tumbles  and 
;ui  incomplete  pass.  He's  just  precious.  Broke  his  nose, 
poor  boy. 

Sunda\  :     Sent  Bob  flowers  at  hospital.     He's  so  darling. 

Monday :     Bob  broke  his  leg. 

Tuesday:     Bob  broke  his  arm. 

Wednesday:     Bob  broke  our  date. 
Finis. 


Those  Sticky  Kisses 

r^elta  (lam:   "I  love  to  kiss  you." 
Theta  Xi :    "The  feeling  is  mucilage." 

S 


Beta   (class  of  ',i4):     "Can   1  hold  your  coat   for  you?" 
Pify:     (Haughtily)    "I    don't    know.      \  ou    don't    look 
very  strong  to  me." 


First  Sig  Xu:  "I  see  where  your  old  flame  has  finally 
landed  behind  the  bars.  I  thought  you  said  she  was  a  fast 
one." 

Second  Topper:  "That's  just  the  trouble — fast  to  every- 
thing she  got  hold  of." 


I  laic  vs.  Yarvard 

The  huge  bowl  was  filled  to  overflowing  with  thousaiuLs 
of  dollars  and  people,  but  there  was  no  spoon  handy  so  it  i 
had  to  overflow.  It  was  the  annual  game  between  Hale 
and  Yarvard.  Before  the  game,  the  Class  of  '89  presented 
a  large  sized  cauliflower  car  to  the  president  of  Hale  by 
gently  ba.shing  him  over  the  head  with  a  small  plank.  This 
added  a  decidcdh  informal  tone  to  the  festivities. 

As  (Jrantland  Rice's  All-Americans  tripped  onto  the 
field,  to  go  thru  a  snappy  set  of  Swedish  gym  movements, 
a  huge  roar  rose  from  the  crowd,  frightened  the  team  of? 
the  field,  floated  out  over  the  town,  and  was  finally  shot 
down  and  used  for  fish  bait. 

Next,  Walter  Fckersall  s  selections  indulged  in  a  num- 
ber of  Hungarian  folk  dances  and  four  Russian  peasants 
dropped  dead — in  Mcscow.  Following  this  a  group  of 
.Armeman  refugees  unobtrusively  starved  to  death  as  an 
advertisement  for  the  Near  East  Relief.  Then  came  an 
exhibition  of  great  strength  and  skill,  the  spectacle  of  the 
ages.  Six  men  entered  and  engaged  in  a  stiff  round  of 
charades.  A  mighty  shout  rent  the  air,  but  the  rent  was 
paid  for,  so  no  one  felt  bad. 

As  the  frightened  team  rushed  on  the  field  again  it  was 
so  ghostly  quiet  that  you  could  hear  a  pin  drop.  Then  the 
terrible  thing  happened — some  one  dropped  a  pin !  The 
silence  was  broken  and  escorted  from  the  field  upon  a 
caisson  with  a  guard  of  honor. 

The  captain  of  Hale  was  embarrassed  (what,  no 
Murads!)  for  it  was  time  to  begin,  and  no  opponents  were 
on  hand,  foot,  or  horseback.  Suddenly  from  the  distance 
came  a  cheer.  Closer  and  closer  it  came  until  it  landed 
in  the  field  with  a  plop  and  out  of  it  stept  the  Yarvard 
band  which  quickly  formed  X-|-Y=Z.  Pencils  were  dis- 
tributed among  the  crowd  and  the  answer  worked  out. 

The  band  then  removed  their  uniforms  and  lo  (Abou 
Ben  Adhem  led  all  the  rest)  it  was  the  Yarvard  football 
team.  They  got  in  position  to  receive  the  kick  (Position  A) 
and  the  game  began.  At  the  start  of  the  second  quarter  the 
Hale  back  deftly  passed  the  buck  to  the  end  who  fumbled. 
The  buck  scampered  about  the  field  until  it  dashed  out  of 
the  bowl  and  went  screeching  over  the  hills.  The  crowd 
cheered  this  act,  the  players  took  a  bow  ( where  they  took 
it  remains  a  mystery)  and  the  curtain  fell  on  the  first  half, 
injuring  his  back  severely. 

S 


Frosh:      "It   says    here    that    a    butcher    found    a    collar 
button  in  a  cow's  stomach.  " 

Senior:     "That's  a  lot  of  ballyhoo — how  could  a  cow  get 
under  a  bedroom  dresser?" 

S 

Little  boy:     "Father,  when  has  a  man  horse  .sense?  " 

I'ather:     "When  he  can  say  'Nay,'  son.  " 
S 

That's  my  favorite  dish,"  said  the  man  as  his  wife  threw 
a  plate  at  him." 


Football  Number 


■  Great  IFs  of  History 

If — Caesar  hadn't  crossed  the  Rubicon,  what  would  we 
do  for  second  year  high  school  Latin? 

If — Paris  hadn't  stolen  Helen,  where  would  Homer  get 
his  theme  song? 

If — Washington  hadn't  crossed  the  Delaware,  we 
couldn't  be  forever  arguing  as  to  how  he  stood  up  in  the 
boat. 

If — Antony  loved  Cleopatra,  well,  you  answer  that  one. 
1  hate  to  think  of  it. 

If — Lincoln  hadn't  freed  the  slaves,  we'd  have  one  hall 
less  on  the  campus. 

If — Napoleon  had  stayed  home  with  Josephine,  he'd 
have  never  met  his  Waterloo. 

If — you  didn't  read  the  Siren,  look  what  you'd  have 
missed. 

S 


I  Working  Their  Way  Through 

"My  son  is  a  football  player." 

"Well,  my  son  isn't  paying  tuition  either,  he's  on  the 
Prom  Committee." 

S 

"You   know  the  old   proverb,  don't  cross  your  bridges 
before  you  get  there." 

"That's  no  good.     How  about  when  you  dress  for  the 
Freshman  Frolic?" 

S 

"Whatcha  been  doin'?" 

(^h,  I've  been  down  at  the  mouth  all  summer." 
"That's  too  bad.  What  were  you  blue  about?" 
"Blue?     I  was  fishing  on  the  Mississippi  delta." 


I 


"What  a  date  1  had  last  night;  she  sat  on  my  hat.  " 
"Why  didn't  you  take  it  off?" 

_J S 

Ruminating 

Illinois,  here  I  lo/nc 

Myriad  rapturous  details  of  getting  ready  for  the  train- 
ride  .  .  .  the  morning  departure  in  a  whirl  of  effervescent 
humidity  .  .  .  alternate  excitement.  Chilly  gusts  of  wind 
carrying  a  taste  of  rain  .  .  .  people  hurrying  along  with 
coat  collars  turned  up  high  and  pocketed  hands  .  .  .  the 
jerking  train  .  .  .  black  smoke  coming  in  heavy  puffs  .  .  . 
the  hazy  skyline  engulfed  in  the  morning  mist  .  .  .  last 
visage  of  the  windy  city. 
Train  jottings 

The  yellowish  green  of  the  train-seats  .   .  .   blankets  of 
gray  smoke  overhead  .  .  .  faces  wan  under  their  rouge  and 
powder  .  .  .   audible  whispers  .  .  .  white  glare  of  the  car 
lamps  .  .  .  reeking  heat  .  .  .  dirty  windows. 
Registration 

The  hustling,  bustling,  jostling,  rubbing,  ripping,  and 
raring  of  the  Frosh  .  .  .  the  Syrian  rushing  down  on  the 
grazing  fold  has  a  twentieth  century  edition  in  the  sweeping 
by  of  the  upper-classmen  .  .  .  the  march  down  the  broad- 
walk  to  the  Commerce  Building  almost.  .  .  . 
(jiasses 

Worried  by  dangling  hands  .  .  .  despising  rolling  gait  .  .  . 
overwhelmed  with  sensitiveness  at  the  awkward  figure  I 
am  cutting  .  .  .  face  burning  as  hotly  as  when  it  is  exposed 
to  the  open  furnace-door  .  .  .  speech  full  of  jerks  and  halts 
.  .  .  glitter  in  the  eye  of  the  instructor. 
First  date 

Cloud  feathers  hiding  the  moon  .  .  .  over-reaching  oaks 
casting  blue-black  shadows  on  the  porch  .  .  .  breezes  whisper- 
ing ancient  melodies  .  .  .  web-footed  aves  .  .  .  creak  of  the 
swing  .  .  .  sense  and  nonsense  .  .  .  chimes  .  .  .  click  of  the 
front  door  ...  a  sudden  clinch. 
Impressions 

Curbstone  lineup  on  Wright  Street  at  all  hours  .  .  . 
chemistry  building  at  night  .  .  .  campus  lights  fading  out 
.  .  .  senior  bench  .  .  .  zig-zag  walk  to  the  Ag  building  .  .  . 
bleachers  in  the  rain  .  .  .  tired  girls  selling  funny  ribbons 
...  the  fat  squirrel  in  front  of  the  Chem  Building.  .  .  .  may 
its  children  be  chemists  .  .  .  frown  of  the  Siren  editor  at 
getting  this  trash. 


10 


The  SIREN 


How  to  Play  Football 


liy  liohcrt  H.  Biippkc 


(  Photos  by  the  autlior,  w  lio  in 
speakiiiij  of  his  Mastniaii  says,  "My 
Kodaks  al\va\s  click.  ") 


Editor's  comment:  After  listening 
to  Quinn  Ryan  and  Graham  Mc- 
\amee,  for  several  years,  and  after 
reading  Grant/and  Rice's  bush 
leaaue  stuff  on  football,  ive  have 
co/iic   to   the   conclusion   that  football 


ball  for  obvious  reasons.  As  you 
know,  the  attempt  died  in  infancy, 
for  obvious  reasons.  Football  players 
are  hard  guys  and  have  to  be  treated 
that  way.  When  a  player  is  told  to 
receive  the   kick   and   he  dashes  rifjht 


fig.  1 

oft  the  field  to  his  bootlegger,  some- 
thing has  to  be  done.  Maybe  dis- 
cipline. Maybe  a  good  thrashing. 
Heing  quite  a  psychological  coach  I 
believe  in  thrashing.  Fig.  2  shows 
one  of  the  later  modeled  thrashers 
for  just  such  occasions.  The  man  at 
the  helm  receiving  the  thrashing  is 
Hull.  This  happened  to  him  five 
times  in  one  week — I  remember  that 
week — and  the  result  was  amazing. 
However,  Hull  was  heard  to  remark, 
"the  helm  with  that  stuff." 

Discipline  is  especially  necessary 
for  players  who  have  lost  their  ner\e. 
I  recall  one  fateful  day,  the  sun  was 
up,  my  wife  was  up  with  the  baby, 
and  my  Irish  was  up.  I  sent  Robin- 
son, my  fullback,  out  on  the  field. 
We  played  Ohio  that  day  and  Robie 
was  smashed  all  over  the  lot  like  a 


should  be  portrayed  the  ivay  she 
really  is.  This  book,  by  one  of  the 
greatest  football  coaches,  brings  a 
z'iviii  account  of  life  in  the  rough. 
Sold  at  all  bookstores,  uncensored 
(the  book,  not  the  store).  Coach 
liuppke  is  noted  for  his  placid  tem- 
perament though  at  times  he  flies  off 
his  handle  like  a  dime  hammer.  Fig. 
I  shous  him  in  a  ferocious  attitude 
coiL-ing  tu'o  of  his  proteges.  But  let 
liobert  tell  you  all  about  it — 

Chapter  I 
Handling  the  Players 

Football  as  the  name  implies,  is 
played  with  the  foot.  Some  of  the 
greater  men  like  Rodman  and  Wil- 
•son  have  tried  to  change  it  to  brain- 


Fig. 


Football  Number 


i^M^: 

■•  ^  ■- 

rry 


baseball.  He  lost  his  nerve  and 
wobbled  over  to  the  bench.  "What- 
inell,"  says  I,  "Are  you  afraid? 
Haven't  you  any  guts?"  "No,"  says 
he,  "I  haven't,  they're  out  on  the 
fifty  yard  line."  I  didn't  apply  Fig. 
2.  I  figured  he  had  enough  thrash- 
ing. So  you  see,  dear  reader,  that  at 
times  it's  best  to  let  them  thrash 
things  out  for  themselves.  After  all 
this,  you'll  probably  suggest  that  I 
knock  the  h —  out  of  thrash,  that  is, 
the  first  "h."  The  revised  edition 
will  accommodate  guys  like  yousc. 


J 


Fiij.  4 


Chapter  II 
The  Game 

After  following  directions  i  n 
chapter  1,  the  team  is  ready  to  play 
ball.  Line  the  players  up  as  in  Fig. 
3.  Think  of  a  number  between  10 
and  4,931,876.  The  players  thinking 
of  the  number  play  in  the  back  field. 
In  case  no  one  thinks  of  the  number, 
don't  use  a  back  field,  it  would  prob- 
ably cause  a  lot  of  trouble  anyhow. 
Fig.  3  shows  the  original  line-up  at 
the  start  of  the  great  game  against 


Northwestern.  Reading  from  left  to 
right  we  find  Berry,  Perrine,  Yan- 
uskus,  Useman,  Root,  Munch,  and 
Owens.  1  used  only  seven  that  day 
with  quite  surprising  results. 

The  game  is  started  by  the  flip  of 
a  coin,  preferably  a  Scotch  saxpenny. 
If  yer  Scatch  bluid  does  nae  permeet 
o'  thet,  tak  it  awa  a  wee  distance  and 
use  a  Canadian  dime.  If  the  game  is 
played  on  a  Mexican  border,  use  a 
peso.  Avoid  playing  on  a  border  as 
much  as  possible,  it  makes  it  harder 
tor  the  landlady  to  collect  rent. 

After  the  game  is  well  under  wa\' 
and  you  find  that  your  opponents  can 
plow  through  center  too  easily,  shift 
to  the  other  side  of  the  field,  thereby 
having  no  one  in  front  of  your  team, 
and  a  touchdown  is  assured.  Plow- 
ing down  the  field  for  a  touchdown 
IS  a  topic  for  separate  discussion  in 
my  other  \olume,  "The  Cultivation 
of  Football  Plays  and  Fields."  Fig. 
4,  by  the  way,  shows  Schumaker 
plowing  down  the  field  to  the  right. 
Note  the  strategy  employed.  Which 
reminds  me  that  if  more  strategies 
were  employed,  more  football  players 
would  be  bond  salesmen,  fact  is, 
they're  bond  to  be  salesmen.  Oh,  to 
hell  with  it.  (Editor's  note:  Coach 
Buppke's  famous  reply  to  the  usual 
question  from  fullbacks  "What  shall 
I  do  with  the  ball?") 

Now  for  the  plays.  Don't  try 
Shakespeare,  they  have  been  over- 
worked. Use  plays  with  a  kick  to  it. 
That,  by  the  way,  is  the  origin  of 
the  expression  "place  kick."  (Clever 
people,  these  Chinese).  The  end  run 
is  popular.  If  it  is  possible,  make 
both  ends  meet.  Besides  being  eco- 
nomical, the  idea  is  tricky — two  men 
(Continued  on  Page  23) 


Fitj.  5 
(ri]/ht) 

On,-  of  Biifipki's  finest  sntip- 
iliots.  Due  to  the  iietion  of 
the  plnyers  it  turned  out  to 
he  s/oji'  motion. 


12 


The  SIREN 


WNR  O'  TRIPE 

(with  whatever  apologies  may   be  due   Mr.   O'Neill) 

"How  lio  you  do,  Dorothy.  I've  seen  \()ii  around 
campus  and  wondered  who  you  were,  (ihul  1  was  able  to 
fi.\  up  an  introduction."  (What  d'  1  mean  .  .  .  lucky 
enough  .  .  .  good  face  .  .  .  pretty  tall  .  .  .  what  year  1 
wonder  .  .  .  how  does  she  rate  .  .  .  small  teet,  no  not  so 
small  .  .  .  suede  shoes,  no  lizard  .  .  .  bloiul  mm  .  .  .  wonder 
how  dumb  she  is  and  who  dates  lier  .  .  .  clothes  alright  but 
jewelry  doesn't  match ) 

"Oh,  how  do  \()u  do  jack!  I've  seen  you  a  lot  too — 
the  pleasure  is  all  mine,  let  me  assure  you.  " 

(Yes  it  is!  .  .  .  Glad  I  remembered  that  line  though  .  .  . 
wonder  whether  he's  a  junior  .  .  .  what  fraternity  did  they 
say  he  belonged  to  .  .  .  guess  I'll  act  extra  nice,  doesn't  do 
to  get  any  one  down  on  you  .  .  .  tall  enough,  not  bad  look- 
ing .  .  .  wonder  if  he'd  take  me  to  prom  if  I  asked  him  to 
our  house  dance  .  .  .) 

"No,  it's  mine,  1  insist — we  might  as  well  go  have  a  coke 
if  you  haven't  an\thing  to  do  for  a  few  minutes — " 

(Really  oughtn't  to  waste  the  time  now  but  I  might  as 
well  give  her  a  break  .  .  .  wonder  how  I'm  rating  .  .  . 
doesn't  do  any  harm  to  stand  in  good  with  the  girls.  .  .  .) 

"Well,  I  won't  argue  but  I  can  still  have  my  own  ideas, 
if  you  prefer  it  that  way.  And  I  suppose  we  could  coke  .  .  ." 

(That's  better  .  .  .  that  red  head  he's  been  dating  won't 
like  it  so  well  when  she  finds  it  out  .  .  .  hope  she  sees  us 
.  .  .  wonder  if  he's  a  junior  .  .  .  rather  intelligent  looking, 
but  can  he  dance.  .  .  .) 

"You  know  Dorothy,  you've  got  a  face  full  of  pretty 
things.  .  .  ."  (Pretty  good  line  if  I  do  say  so  myself  .  .  . 
wonder  if  she  necks  .  .  .  looks  rather  quiet  but  when  you 
never  can  tell  .  .  .  woidd  she  take  me  to  her  house  dance  if 
I  asked  her  to  prom  .  .  .  supposed  to  rate  but  she  sure  is 
giving  yours  truly  plenty  of  house.  .  .  .) 

"Well,  you're  under  no  handicap  in  that  line  yourself. 
And  Jack,  I  do  think  you  are  so  original.  All  these  stories 
I've  heard  about  your  cleverness  must  be  true — " 

(Face  full  of  plenty  pretty  things — sort  of  cute — think 
I'll  mention  something  about  house  dances.  .  .  .) 

"There  certainly  are  going  to  be  a  lot  of  house  dances 
the  next  few  weeks,  aren't  there?" 

(That's  an  opening  anyway.  .  .  .) 

"There  sure  are  plenty  all  right." 

(The  game  is  on  it  seems  .  .  .  think  I'll  let  her  do  the 
first  asking  .  .  .  she  might  get  too  conceited  if  I  didn't  .  .  . 
and  then  maybe  she  wouldn't  ask  me  anyway  .  .  .  don't  see 
why  she  shouldn't  though  .  .  .  Pat  and  Mary  have  .  .  .) 

"You  know  I  didn't  intend  going  to  ours  for,  well,  a 
number  of  rea.sons  .  .  .  but  I  think  I'd  like  to,  that  I've  met 
you.  Could  you  come?  It's  two  weeks  from  Saturday — 
and  rescue  a  maiden  in  distress?" 

(That's  appealing  to  his  .sense  of  being  a  big  strong 
man  .  .  .  he's  really  a  little  boy  but  then  all  men  are  .  .  . 
won't  Jim  be  surprised,  also  a  few  other  people  ...  if  he 
doesn't  ask  me  to  prom,  I'll  get  sick  and  break  the  date.  .  .  .) 


"Why,  I'd  sure  love  to  come,  Dorothy.  And  while  we 
are  on  the  subject,  why  don't  you  hop  to  the  prom  with 
me?" 

(She  wouldn't  have  asked  me  if  she  had  had  a  date  for 
prom  .  .  .  won't  Mary  get  a  surprise  .  .  .  she's  been  too 
cocky  lately  though  .  .  .  this  one's  better  looking  anyway  .  .  . 
suppose  she'll  throw  stall  about  prom,  but  she'll  accept 
eventually  .  .  .  Gold  Medal  Flour). 

"That's  fine.  Jack.  I'm  so  glad.  About  prom — I  really 
can't  say  yet — may  have  to  break  another  date — tell  you 
what.     Call  me  tomorrow  night,  can  you?" 

(I  knew  he  would  .  .  .  guess  Ted  isn't  going  to  ask  me 
anyway  .  .  .  won't  he  be  stunned  to  see  me  there  with 
Jack.  .  .  .) 

"Well,  have  to  be  getting  back  to  class  now.  Jack. 
You'll  be  calling  me  tomorrow  then?" 

S 

ONE  CONSOLATION 

After  all,  when  a  school  hasn't  a  good  football  team,  it 
it  can  always  claim  a  high  scholastic  standing. 
S 

Petting  may  not  be  on  the  decline,  but  it  is  getting  to  be 
more  and  more  on  the  incline. 

S 

She:  "Oh,  so  Jack's  out  for  the  football  team.  Will 
he  get  carried?" 

He   (unsympathetically)  :     "Probably — to  the  hospital." 

^ — S 

"I  think  I'll  get  Indian  underwear  this  winter." 

"What  kind  is  that?" 

"Woolen,  the  kind  that  creeps  up  on  you." 


Football  Number 


\i 


HOMER 

To  date  or  not  to  date;  that  is  the  question, 

Whether  'tis  nobler  as  a  pledge  to  endure 

The  loneliness  of  datelesss  days 

Or  take  steps  against  this  sea  of  solitude 

And  by  sneaking  end  it ;  to  meet  or  not  to  meet, 

No  more ;  but  by  a  date  to  say  we  end 

The  boredom  and  the  thousand  natural  gripes 

That  pledge  is  heir  to.     'Tis  a  situation 

Deeply  to  be  thought  on.    To  study,  to  date — 

To  date — perchance  to  flunk.     Ay,  there's  the  rub! 

For  from  that  date  of  daring  what  may  come 

To  each  fair  co-ed  in  this  house 

Must  give  her  pause.     There's  the  "E" 

That  spells  calamity  to  her  high  hopes. 

But  who  would  hear  the  sighs  in  seminar,  the  teacher's  drone, 

The  instructor's  chant,  the  professor's  thunder 

In  lieu  of  quips  and  jests  of  merry  men. 

The  trenchant  line  of  amorous  sweet  nothings? 

Forsooth,  woidd  that  one  rate  an  A ! 

And  to  our  actives,  A's  doth  make  heroes  of  us  all. 

With  this  regard  the  pledges  turn  away 

To  ponder — what  are  A's — bought  at  cost  of  dateless  days? 


A  MILD  STORY 

Copyrighted  1812 

(  Translated  from  the  Sanskrit  with  the  aid  of  a 
seunny-machine) 
It  was  a  wild  and  stormy  night  on  the  west  coast  of  Scot- 
land. However,  that  has  little  to  do  with  the  story  as  our 
plot  is  laid  in  a  tough  western  town.  A  rabbit  walked 
down  the  main  drag  and  spit  in  a  bull-dog's  face — nice 
town.  A  sign  placed  near  the  far  end  of  town  stated  that 
the  war-path  was  under  repair.  A  dark  brown  cloud  ap- 
peared rolling  down  the  main  street,  which  was  the  onl) 
street  the  town  could  boast  of — if  the  town  ever  boasted. 
It  was  a  great  day  for  the  town — but  now  we  return  to 
the  brown  cloud — or  was  it  red?  The  brown,  or  red,  cloud 
appeared  in  front  the  village  saloon,  and  as  a  result  four 
men  swore  off  liquor.  It  later  turned  out  to  be  a  prohibi- 
tionist stunt. 

S 

Judging  by  the  general  consensus  of  opinion,  the  pre- 
requisite for  vigorous  acting,  is  vigorous  drinking,  rather 
than  vigorous  thinking.  Of  course  our  football  team  is 
different. 

S 

Mr.  Cohen  stepped  into  the  room  where  all  of  those  who 
intended  to  try  out  for  the  choir  were  seated.  He  looked 
at  a  group  of  girls  seated  over  in  the  corner,  smoking. 

"Won't  that  affect  their  throats?"  he  asked. 

Mr.  Cohen,  don't  you  know  that  in  a  college  town,  the 
neck  is  more  important  than  the  throat? 


Cigarette  Crazy 

Smoke  Luckies — no,  smoke  Camels,  because  you  would 
rather  walk  a  mile  for  a  Camel  than  a  Lucky.  But  think 
of  the  throat  irritation.  Yes,  just  think  of  it.  There  is 
nothing  more  annoying  than  throat  irritation.  But  why 
cough  with  throat  irritation?  .  .  .throat  irritation  cough 
.  .  .  Smoke  Old  Golds  the  treasure  of  them  all.  Not  a 
cough  in  a  carload !  Yes,  not  a  carload  in  a  cough !  But 
they  don't  satisfy!  .  .  .  No,  they  don't  satisfy  me.  I  must 
have  one  that  stands  out.  Yes,  smoke  Chesterfields  .  .  . 
they  stand  out — but  think  of  throat  irritation — standing 
out  in  throat  irritation — throat  irritation  standing  out  in  the 
throat.  .  .  .  Not  a  cough.  I  \vould  rather  walk  a  mile  be- 
cause they  satisfy  my  figure.  Reduce  by  walking  a  mile 
for  a  Camel  and  smoke  Luckies.  But  I  want  to  graduate 
.  .  .  who  wants  to  be  a  school-boy?  Who  wants  to  gradu- 
ate? I  don't  want  to  graduate!  Graduate  what?  Graduate 
to  Camels.  Get  a  diploma  .  .  .  smoke  Camels.  Who  wants 
a  diploma?  Why  diploma?  Because  they  give  a  milder 
and  better  taste.  .  .  .  Yes,  that's  the  reason  why.  They 
satisfy.  They  have  taste.  They  satisfy  the  taste.  Yes, 
smoke  them.  Let  them  smoke  you  out  with  milder  and 
better  taste.  Smoke — smoke — smoke  what  .  .  .  ?  ? 
S 

Says  one  A.  K.  L.  to  another:  "I  guess  we'll  have  to  get 
those  glass  rug  protectors  out  from  under  the  piano  again. 
Another  honorary  is  holding  a  smoker  in  the  house  tonight." 
S 

Headline   in    "The   Daily   (jrind" — Professor   Stiven   to 
lectiue  on  "(Organ  Development." 


14 


The  SIRKN 


Much  Ado  About  Nothing 


ilH\i<\    A\  ^:K^ 


(irai-ic  tliiiiks  rli.it  It  is  just  too 
funny  tliat  firenu-n  wi-ai  iTii  siis- 
pi-ndcrs  to  k«-p  their  pants  up.  Liar, 
licr,  your  nose  is  as  long  as  a  tele- 
phone wire.  Which  goes  to  show  the 
handicap  you  are  under  if  your 
parents  went  in  for  fetchiiiu;  sou  up 
properly. 

l\vo  bits  that  if  I  tell  Ciracie  the 
one  about  the  young  man  from  Aus- 
tralia, she'll  laugh.  Its  so  darn  re- 
spectable that  she'll  think  its  subtle 
or  something  ...  I  knew  it.  just 
like  a  charm,  just  like  a  charm.  This 
is  really  getting  to  be  fun.  Only  she 
doesn't  know  ..what  she's  letting  her- 
self in  for.  My  ne.\t  number  is  al- 
wa\s  singing  a  song.  Sonnv  Hov.  Mv 


(!aw(l,  if  she  can  stand  that  she  is  a 
wotider. 

Gracie  is  readijig  a  book.  Another 
one  of  these  intellectual  giants.  All 
wit  and  repartee.  And  if  you  think 
listerine  can  cure  that  Nou're  crazy. 

(iracie  bares  all.  1  do  wish  she'd 
stop  or  else  pick  maturer  men.  And 
grandma  brought  riic  up  rigiu  tod, 
young  lady.  No  fiddling  around 
about  bees  and  butterflies  and  tin- 
little  hyacinths.  If  Gracie  ever  had  a 
dress  without  a  back  before,  I'm  Paul 
Ke\ere.  She's  just  too  darn  non- 
chalant. Or  maybe  .somebody  told 
her  about  adhesive  tape.  Just  think 
of  all  the  humorists  starving  today 
because  there  just  can't  he  an\'  moic 


Backficld  in  motion 


jokes   about   having   to   hook   up   the 
back  of  milady's  dress. 

Gracie  comes  through  with  a  swift 
one — her  papa  (and  I  bet  he'd  dis- 
own her  if  he  caught  her  putting  the 
accent  on  the  last  syllable  like  that) 
said  to  her  that  time  that  she  cam( 
home,  and  you  can  call  it  Parlor  Dat( 
or  Home  Work  if  either  one  of  then 
suit. 

Here  I  am,  all  dressed  up  in  some 
thing  classy  for  the  college  trade  t( 
sell  for  about  twenty-three-fifty  i: 
you  can  get  it,  and  who  gets  to  gazi 
on  all  of  this  but  Gracie.  It  just  goes 
to  show  what  human  effort  can  com< 
to.  Shepherds  watching  their  flocks 
by  night,  sheep  dippers  holding  theii 
noses.  Bertha  the  beautiful  sewing 
machine  girl  singing  as  she  sews 
(  How  long  has  this  been  going  on?), 
Isadore  coming  down  to  the  store  at 
eight  because  times  are  hard  you 
know,  and  all  .so  Gracie  can  look 
at  ir. 

I  woniler  if  the  collar  fits.  Another 
crack  like  that  one  and  I'll  complain 
to  the  management. 

I  like  this  place.  More  food  for 
thought.  A  good  thing  I  ate  fish 
toda>.  The  old  brain  is  getting  a 
work  out.  There  I  go,  bragging 
again.  And  while  we  are  on  the 
subject  of  futility,  I  wonder,  yes  I 
wonder,  why  dear  old  Helter  Skelter 
Whoopsilon  spent  that  four  hundred 
bucks  for  a  chandeleir.  Just  as  good 
as  Wfw  mister,  only  used  once,  and 
there  aiiit  even  a  spot  on  the  lining 
\et.  And  lots  of  nice  sofas.  I  hope 
we  draw  the  one  in  front  of  the  fire 
— more  futility.  Pretty  soon  I'll  be  a 
philosopher  or  something.  I'm  going 
to  buy  a  lantern  tomorrow. 

Sine  enough.  I  knew  Gracie  was 
smart.  I  like  fires.  I  almost  got 
pneu — a  cold  one  night  last  winter 
when  I  went  to  one  in  my  pajamas. 
It  was  swell,  the  whole  roof  burned 
off.  I  bet  this  place  would  make  a 
swell  fire  too,  especially  after  they 
got  a  paddling  for  trying  to  stick  a 
.senior  in  the  bathtub  that  they  hadn't 
ought  to  call  them  sororities,  but 
sore — and  how  do  you  know,  Gracie 
but  what  I  cannot  appreciate  that 
sort  of  humor.  Rut  what  I  am  as 
|iure  as  the  driven  snow — as  God 
taking  a  bath,  or  an  A.  K.  L.  ?  How 
do  you  know?  As  if  you  didn't  have 
an  Illio,  three-fifty  now,  si.x  after  the 
(C.rintiiiiitil  (in  Ptu/e  19) 


Football  Nnnihcr 


H^HOn  6  ?B*Jf(,  '^ — ^"^ 

Open  lioiis<-  at  tile  New  \\  iiiiiairs  (iym. 


AND  THEN  THE  GREAT 
DAY  ARRIVED 

Tlu-  fireat  football  bowl  was  filled 
to  the  rim  with  people,  for  the 
greatest  game  of  the  year  was  in 
play.  Pennants  waved  from  all  sides 
of  the  stadium,  while  poor  little 
Willie  Ciizerksks  was  sitting  on  the 
bench.  There  he  had  been  sitting  for 
almost  four  years.  This  was  his  last 
game  before  graduation,  and  he  must 
show  his  metal  by  doing  something 
for  dear  (^Id  Hooserbernizola.  The 
score  was  2  to  0  in  favor  of  Fuger- 
borgen  I'.  The  game  dragged  on, 
until  there  were  five  minutes  left  to 
play.  Willie  bit  his  fingernails!  (The 
brute.)  He  was  ner\ous,  very  nerv- 
ous! Suddenly  the  halfback  of  D.  O. 
H.  (Dear  old  Hooserbernizola) 
began,  to  gallop  down  the  field 
Twenty  yards  to  a  touchdown ; 
fifteen  yards  to  a  touchdown ;  ten 
\ards  to  a  touch.  .  .  .  Hang!  he  was 
tackled.  The  halfback  for  D.  O.  H. 
<lid  not  get  up.  The  team  surrounded 
him.  Willie's  heart  leaped  !  His  chance 
at  last!  Now  he  would  go  in  and 
fight!  The  captain  came  running  in, 
shouting,  "Willie;  Willie."  Willie 
stood  up  trembling.  "Y-y-y-es 
C-c-captain."  "Listen  Willie,  take 
off  vour  pants,  the  halfback  just  split 
his.'"' 


Inquisitive  f rosh :  "Do  sou  play 
by  ear?" 

Bored  senior,  or  what  have  you: 
"No,  by  preference." 

S 


ANOTHER  AIR  HERO 

Richa  Zell,  far  from  his  native 
climate  California,  was  playing  the 
last  game  of  his  meteoric  career.  Two 
great  teams  were  deadlocked  in  the 
crucial  intersectional  contest  of  the 
year.  The  score  was  tied  with  only 
three  minutes  to  play,  when  time  was 
called ;  a  telegram  had  arrived  from 
Richa's  doctor  in  California  stating 
that  he  had  but  three  minute  to  live. 
The  great  star  was  deaf  to  the  pleas 
of  his  teammates  that  he  leave  the 
game.  Resolutely  he  wrote  his  will, 
grabbed  the  ball  with  only  ten 
seconds  to  play,  raced  through  the 
entire  opposing  team,  and  with  his 
dying  effort  dove  twenty  \ards 
across  the  goal  line  for  a  touchdown. 
The  ball  burst  with  the  force  of  the 
impact,  releasing  some  of  our  hero's 
own  native  air,  thus  saving  his  life. 


We  saw  several  long  runs  at  the 
Illinois-Purdue  game — in  girls'  stock- 
ings. 

s 

He:  "Marge  is  a  regular  mine  of 
information." 

Second  Him:  "Yeah,  you  got  to 
dig  throtigh  a  lot  of  dirt  to  get  it." 


Co-ed:     "I'ut  why  don't   \()u  like 
Champaign  ?" 

I'll:     "It  soots  me  too  well." 


Math  Instructor:  "Can  \()u  find 
the  sine  of  theta?" 

Student  (just  waking  up)  :  "Why. 
more  campus  scandal?" 


She:  When  are  you  going  to 
marry  me.  dear? 

He:  Sometime  when  I'm  not  so 
busy. 

She:     When  is  that? 

He:     I'm  always  busy. 


VIRGINIA  REEL 

Ah  wuz  leahnin  on  the  dahway  of 
the  Delta  Delta  Delta  hovel.  Yes 
suh,  it  wuz  verri  sad,  sub.  Ah  says 
to  the  young  dahmsel,  "Dahlin,  ah's 
fond  of  you-all,  mah  drivin'  hundreds 
of  mahles  to  see  you — all  proves 
that." 

"You-all's  hands  covahed  plenty  of 
ter'tohry  T'  night."  says  this 
Northern  Belle  meanin  like. 

Ah  spat  at  one  of  the  mice  that 
run  thereabouts.  It  wuz  ahl  verri 
rohmantic. 

"Now  bahby  (consolin'  like)  what 
say  we-all  go  'roun  steady?" 

"Sho,  my  dahlin,"  she  croons,  takin 
a  long  pull  from  her  black  cheroot, 
"Long  as  you-all  don't  see  me  on 
Friday  or  Saturday,  that  would 
sohta  intahfer  with  mah  week-end. 
dates." 

A  southern  gentleman,  suh,  nevah 
takes  a  crack  at  a  lady  or  Trah-Dehlt 
suh. 

S 

That  college  football  is  a  game  that 
requires  education,  we  offer  as  proof 
that  all  of  our  players  are  required 
to  attend  the  university. 

S 


FIRST  AID 

Gene:  "I  see  the  girls  are  wear- 
ing their  pins  on  their  hats  now.  It  s 
the  latest  fad." 

f^ugene:     "What's  the  idea?" 

Gene:      "Their    boy    friends    are 
complaining  of  scratched  hands." 
S 

Then  there's  the  case  of  the  foot- 
.ball  hero  who  thought  that  animal 
crackers  are  dog  biscuits. 


l() 


The  SIREN 


At  the  Football  Game 


By  C/iarU's  Jucohsoii 


It  was  bad.  Tres  nial,  as  the  French  ha\e  it.  (.Xiul 
heavens  knows,  they  have!)  Bobbie  hail  a  girl.  That,  in 
itself  wasn't  so  bad.  Think  of  how  j-ad  tilings  might  have 
been  if  I  had  said.  "Bobbie  had  a  cow,  or  an  Orni- 
therynchus  Anatinus."  So,  let  be  as  is:  Bobbie  had  a  girl — 
and  the  girl  had  a  hobby  as  well  as  a  Bobbie:  she  wanted 
to  learn  all  about  football.  He  liked  the  game,  too,  and  said 
"No"  to  her  pleas  to  be  taken  to  the  next  big  game. 
(Bobbie  had  read  the  "Siren"  and  feared  the  consequences). 
But  true  love  springs  from  out  there  where  the  vest  begins 
and  Bobbie  had  to  drag  aforementioned  girl,  ginche,  gal, 
moll,  babe,  maid  (or  "filly,"  as  we  hear  at  any  sorority 
after  dinner) — to  the  Big  Game. 

Upon  arriving  at  the  Stadium,  the  gal  promptly  pro- 
ceeded to  tell  all  of  Section  K  that  her  seat  w^as  too  hard, 
and  why  didn't  they  supply  pillows  anvAvay?  To  Bobby's 
chagrin,  some  fresh  guy  suggested  that  if  she  wanted  to  sleep 
to  go  home.  Mamie,  which  was  the  gal's  name,  picked  up 
the  argument  and  would  have  smashed  a  couple  of  heads  if 
quarters  hadn't  been  so  close. 

Like  the  fellah  trying  to  fl\-  the  kite  in  the  telephone 
booth,  Mamie  needed  more  room  for  expression.  What 
were  those  fellows  rolling  around  on  the  ground  for,  Bobby? 
They  were  tweezing  their  eye-brows,  volunteers  Bobbie, 
and  writhing  in  pain  as  they  did  so.  What  did  she  think 
they  had,  cramps?  No,  but  they  looked  funny.  Yes?  Yes. 
Bobbie,  who  are  the  fellows  in  linen  golf  knickers,  in  this 
awful  weather,  too?  The  Bloomer  Sisters  in  convention — 
they  demonstrate  the  meaning  of  interference — interfere 
with  every  play. 

Oh?  Oh.  What  do  they  mean  by  "Meriwether's  some 
boy?"  If  he  is,  why  is  he  going  out?  His  mother-in-law 
just  found  out  that  Listerine  does  not  remove  fish  and  onion 
odors  and  is  calling  long-distance  from  Oskaloosa,  telling 
Meriwether  to  smoke  a  herring.  Bobbie,  why  can't  he  kick 
now?  He  is  like  me:  he  could  if  he  wanted  to,  but  it 
wouldn't  do  any  good.  Bobbie,  why  are  those  fellows  in 
the  sweaters  waving  their  arms  at  me?  They  can't  see  this 
far.  Who  is  that  player  with  26  on  his  back?  That's  Far- 
well.  Don't  you  think  he  moves  gracefully?  Yes,  that's 
what  his  landlord  said. 

.  .  .  (^h,  Bobbie,  I  hear  they  make  the  team  keep  in 
strict  training — George  had  to  eat  spinach  for  two  weeks. 
That's  nothing,  Fve  lived  on  earth  for  twenty-two  years. 
Oh-oh.  What  are  they  all  doing  now  with  their  heads  to- 
gether that  way?  They  are  looking  for  a  couple  of  veal- 
birds  that  escaped  from  the  Sigma  Kaps.  Bobbie,  I  think 
you're  horrid.  Mamie,  we  agree.  There  is  Mae  in  a  stun- 
ning wrap — and  that  beautiful  (jerman  Police  dog  beside 
her!    That's  not  a  dog,  it's  Johnn\'  ]oncs  in  a  raccoon.  But 


it  is  a  gorgeous  wrap,  Bobbie.  Yes,  quite  a  rap — for  Johnny. 
No,  for  Mae.  Yeah.  Bobbie,  who's  the  man  there  in  the 
glasses?  A  track  man.  Oo-oh,  Fve  always  adored  runners. 
He  doesn't,  he  follows  the  horses.  Does  he  make  much 
money?  No.  What  does  his  wife  say?  Nothing.  What 
do  his  children  say?     Nothing.     Why?  He  isn't  married. 

You  bet  on  horses  once,  didn't  you  Bobbie?  Yes,  Green 
River  and  Cripple  Creek  in  the  fifth — they're  running  yet 
.  .  .  Oh,  what  a  beautiful  run!  Look  at  that  line  rip! 
Bobbie,  my  hose !  No,  Perkins  the  left  end  .  .  .  Isn't  Fanny 
lovely  today?  My,  what  a  perfect  offensive  end!  Bobbie-e-e! 
Huh?  Did  you  attend  your  bacteriology  lecture  this  morn- 
ing?    Don't  bacilli,  gal,  don't  bacilli. 

What's  that  man  holding  a  gun  for?  He's  one  of  the 
Chicago  referees  on  the  defensive.  Bobbie,  why  do  they 
call  it  a  grid-iron?  Because  the  game  was  originated  by 
Waffles,  the  Amatein-  Cracksman.  That's  a  hot  one. 
Mamie,  were  you  ever  engaged?  No.  Oh.  Were  you? 
Yes,  I  was  once  engaged  to  a  girl  with  a  wooden  leg,  but  I 
broke  it.  What,  the  leg?  No,  the  engagement  .  .  .  Ah, 
there  goes  the  gun.  Well,  another  game.  Bobbie,  who  won  ? 
What's  the  difference — where's  my  hat?  That's  right, 
where's  my  compact  ? 

Thus  came  the  dusk;  shadows  threw  their  arms  around, 
as  shadows  will,  and  the  setting  sun  gleamed  irridescence. 
Two  love-birds  went  their  respecti\e  ways — 160  and  120 
pounds  ringside    alas,  the  weigh  of  all  flesh. 

S 


And  you've  probably  met  Mary  some  place  too — she's 
the  one  who  is  always  looking  for  a  spade  so  she  can  call 
it  one. 

S 


OlH-    (llPWU— l\\(l    to    ^ 


Football  Number 


17 


I'm   positive   there   were  at  least    10  down   that   lime. 


MY  PASS 

The  freshman  wandered  dizzily  into  the  lecture  room. 
He  hadn't  noticed  the  room  number  but  he  was  pretty  sure 
this  was  what  he  wanted.  Pushed  and  pulled,  he  managed 
to  locate  a  seat  strangely  inarked  and  settled  into  it.  But 
the  girl  on  his  right  didn't  have  the  same  ears  the  last  one 
had.  The  student  on  his  left  was  definitely  Nordic,  whereas 
he  should  have  been  Mediteranean.  In  fact,  the  general 
run  of  faces  seemed  strangely  altered.  Very  phenomenal. 
And  to  cap  it  all  there  was  a  fat  woman  standing  behind 
the  lecture  desk.  He  was  sure  the  other  one  had  been  a 
man.  He  was  positive,  in  fact.  He  knew  there  was  some 
mistake.  "Hey"  he  yelled  lustily,  "you're  not  my  lecture 
instructor!" 


JUST  CRAZY 

"Prisoner,  if  you  didn't  steal  the  $3,000,  where  did  you 
get  it?" 

"Yer  honor,  I  saved  it  by  not  joining  the  Union,  "Y," 
Hospital  Association,  or  a  fraternity;  by  not  subscribing  to 
the  mini,  Illio,  Siren,  Agriculturist,  Technograph,  or  En- 
terpriser; by  not  going  to  the  Stunt  shows,  Pierrot's  shows. 
Mask  and  Bauble  plays,  Junior  Prom,  Senior  Ball,  Military 
Ball,  Soph  Cotillion,  Frosh  Frolic,  Pan-Hell,  Axe  Grinders, 
Fine  Arts  Ball,  or  Glee  Club  Concert;  and  by  not  buying 
any  Homecoming  Badges  or  Stamps,  Programs  or  A.  A. 
Books." 

"Not  guilty  of  robbery,  but  throw  him  in  a  padded  cell. 
No  man  can  do  that  and  be  sane." 


"Don't  you  know  that  drinking  is  against  the  law?" 
"Yeh,  but  I  started  before  the  law  was  passed." 


Boys  We  Love  to  Date— No.  9836S2 

The  boy  who  talks  all  evening  about  drinking  and  tells 
us  how  much  he  drinks,  what  he  drinks,  and  how  he  drinks 
— and  how! — and  usually  throws  in  a  monologue  on  the 
drinking  habits  of  his  entire  fraternity.     Yeah,  we  love  it! 


"Didn't  you  say  your  dog's  bark  is  worse  than  his  bite?" 
•Yes." 

"Then  for  goodness'  sake  don't  let  him  bark.     He  just 
bit  me." 


"I  know  a  girl  who-  changes  clothes  three  times  a  day." 
"And  I  know  one  who  changes  five  times  an  hour." 
"Aw,  get  out." 
"Sure,  but  she's  only  three  months  old." 


Moments  We'd  Like  to  Live  Over 

The  night  we  dated  the  pledge  who  apparently  became 
speechless  after  the  introduction.  We  were  beginning  to 
worry — then  after  we  had  walked  three  and  one-half  blocks 
he  coughed  and  said,  "Well, — er — it's  a  nice  evening!"  Any- 
way, he  was  tall. 

S 

FAST 

Go:     "He  stepped  on  the  gas,  hoping  to  beat  the  train." 

mini:    "Did  he  get  across?" 

Go:     "Yes,  as  soon  as  the  tombstone  maker  finishes  it." 

S 

"Yes,  but  you  can't  blame  a  man  for  going  home  in- 
toxicated. 

"When  he's  in  such  a  condition,  he's  likely  to  go  any- 
where." 

S 

"Just  the  other  day  a  lad,  who  is  working  his  way 
through  college,  gave  a  quart  of  blood  for  a  transfusion ;  but 
the  M.  D.  could  not  use  it  as  it  was  80  per  cent  alcohol." 

S 

I  always  snub  the  boys  who  smile, 
I  never  sit  and  neck  awhile, 
No  one  says  that  I  have  "style," 
I  always  walk  back  a  mile — 
I'm  a  horse. 

S 

First  Pledge:  "They  give  us  black  marks  for  not  obeying 
rules.  " 

Second  Pledge:  "That's  nothing  —  we  get  black  and 
blue  marks!" 

S 

Says  the  Coach 

Coach:  "Of  all  the  sap-headed  players  that  ever  tried  to 
hold  a  football,  you're  the  worst.  You  run  like  a  turtle, 
fumble  like  a  two-year  old,  and  think  as  fast  as  a  century 
plant  grows.     No,  you  can't  play." 

Player:     "Am  I  to  take  that  as  a  refusal?" 


The  SIREN 


Coming  Distractions 


As  reviewed  by  Alice  Ireland 


Having  combattt-d  \  ictoriouslx  the 
nasty  bacteria  of  unknown  genus,  \e 
bonorable  literary  editor — who  says 
I'm  bonorable? — will  conic  to  the 
fore  and  begin  operations  upon  this 
page  of  intriguing  information. 

At  that  palace  of  good,  clean  fun, 
the  VIRGINIA,  the  various  and 
sundry  members  of  the  critical  audi- 
ence are  due  for  a  pleasant  surpri.se 
with  the  coming  of  the  svelte  Gloria 
Swanson  in  "What  a  Widow." 
(Gloria  plays  a  giddy  young  widow 
with  the  whole  world  before  her  and 
five  million  dollars  to  spend.  You've 
guessed  it — you  bright  little  things — 
she  goes  straight  to  Paris,  and  in- 
dulges in  a  shopping  orgy.  "What  a 
Widow"  will  please  the  girls  when  it 
isn't  turning  them  a  nice,  bright 
shade  of  green.  Gorgeous  Gloria 
knows  her  clothes,  and  she  knows 
her  comedy  touches,  too, — you'll  find 
her  charming.  Her  voice  doesn't 
register  as  well  as  in  "The  Tres- 
passer," however.  Owen  Moore  is 
the  plain  American  business  man  who 
wants  to  change  what  a  widow  into 
what  a  wife.  Lew  Cody  is  the  com- 
plication. 

"The  Silver  Horde,"  featuring 
Evelyn  Brent,  is  a  well  photographed 
drama  of  one  woman  in  a  land  of 
men,  and  women  didn't  brag  about 
virtue  where  she  came  from.  (Draw 
your  own  conclusions,  me  lads).  It 
is  an  epic  of  the  great  outdoors,  in- 
termingling raw  drama  and  raw 
salmon.  Joel  IVIcCrea,  the  hero,  is 
a  new  screen  find,  and  Louise  Wol- 
heini  will  cause  fluttering  palpita- 
tions in  even  a  nice,  healthy  heart. 
Oh  doctor! 

.Save  voui'  pennies  to  .see  "The 
Silent  Enemy"  at  the  ORPHEUM. 
It  is  a  marvelously  photographed 
chronicle  of  the  lives  of  the  Ojibway 
Indians,  and  their  silent  enemy  turns 
out  to  be  Hunger  (yes,  dear  Indians, 
we  know  how  you  feel,  we  had  a 
bum  meal  today  at  the  house). 

Two  years  were  spent  in  Canada 
making  the  picture,    which    is  com- 


posed entirely  of  Indians  and 
animals — there  is  a  caribou  stampede 
that's  a  spine-tickler — and  the  prin- 
cipal players  are  the  last  word  in 
naturalness,  especially  the  brave  who 
said.  "L^gh-ugh,"  meaning,  "Howd\, 
squaw,  how  about  a  coke?" 

The  ORPHEUM  also  brings  us 
jack  Mulhall  as  a  debonair  young 
clubman  in  "Murder  Will  Out," 
with  the  able  support  of  Lila  Lee 
and  Noah  Beery.  The  story  is  a 
thrilling  one  of  a  blackhand  gang 
that  tries  to  extort  a  cool  half 
million  from  Jack  for  the  ransom 
of  Lila  Lee.  Our  lone  hero,  while 
battling  the  mean  old  gangsters  on 
the  three-mile  limit  (there  has  to  be  a 
limit  somewhere  in  all  these  pictures), 
gets  his  pretty  wave  all  mussed,  but 
the  action  is  fast — and  plenty.  It  is 
a  mystery  story  which  will  keep  you 
guessing,  and  the  solution  may  sur- 
prise you. 

Skipping  over  to  the  RIALTO,  we 
find  "The  Office  Wife,"  a  highly 
diverting  bit  of  entertainment.  One 
of  our  modern  girls,  Dorothy  Mac- 
kaill,  turns  an  old  plot  into  a  1931 
show,  making  it  good,  brisk  amuse- 
ment. The  yarn,  intelligent  and  con- 
vincing, is  about  a  grand  working 
girl  (and  Dorothy  Mackaill  is  a  sec- 
retary any  one  would  like  to  ring  the 
buzzer  for!),  who  is  so  efficient  that 
her  employer,  a  successful  publisher 
in  the  dignified  form  of  Lewis  Stone, 
wants  her  to  double  as  his  private 
wife,  too. 

Harold  Lloyd  is  a  lowly  shoe  clerk 
in  "Feet  First"  who  aspires  to  high 
honors  as  leading  salesman.  As 
usual,  he  starts  out  on  the  wrong 
foot,  and  gets  himself  into  no  end  of 
ridiculous  situations — the  majority  of 
them  funny — and  gets  out  in  the  most 
surprising  manner  to  finally  "make 
good"  with  his  employer  and  Bar- 
bara Kent,  his  suppressed  desire.  He 
performs  some  thrilling  antics  on  the 
top  and  sides  of  a  skyscraper,  which, 
although  reminiscent  of  some  of  his 
other  pictures,  still  make  you  ga.sp 
.and  breathe  a  relieved  aw-t'aint-real- 
l\-so. 


In  "Old  f^nglish,"  George  Arliss 
adds  another  to  his  list  of  perfect 
portrayals.  Here  is  a  picture  of  a 
typical  Englishman  of  the  old  school 
who  gives  us  his  complete  life  stor\ 
— his  soul  story — without  a  fadeback. 
The  fadebacks  of  his  devil-may-care 
youth,  of  his  own  love,  are  in  his 
facial  expressions.  "Old  English"  is 
superb  in  the  last  fifteen  minutes  of 
action,  when  he  plans  and  executes 
his  suicide  by  over-eating  and  drink- 
ing to  forestall  business  humiliations. 
Add  this  to  your  must  list. 

You  just  can't  suppress  Windy 
Bill  Haines,  and  here  he  pops  up 
again  in  "Way  Out  West"  (you  only 
need  go  as  far  as  the  PARK  to  see 
him,  though),  in  his  same,  lovable, 
wise-cracking  role.  This  time  he  is 
a  smoothy  barker  imder  a  carnival 
top,  until  he  gyps  some  tough  cow- 
punchers,  and  they  make  him  work 
of?  his  debt  on  their  ranch.  Leila 
Hyams  is  a  right  sweet  bit  of  heart 
interest,  and  she  leads  Bill  into 
making  a  new  man  of  himself  (darn 
it,  we  liked  him  the  way  he  was — ). 


A  BETA  ZETAS'  PRAYER 

Dear    God,    my    man    has    just    been 

sought 
(^ut  by  an  A.  D.  Pi,  and  taught 
The  things  that  Mother  taught  him 

not ; 
Now  here  I  Ia\   in  my  small  cot; 
And  all  m\'  dreams  have  night  mares 

been 
Because  I  haven't  heard  from  him. 
And  if  it's  all  the  same  to  you, 
I'll  pray  for  more  than  one  or  two. 

S 

He:     "Let's  go  to  the  dog  show  to- 
night." 

She:     "Where's  that?" 
.^gain:      "The   Orp!" 

S 

"Do  you  know  who  was  the  orig- 
inator of  the  Ladies  Aid  Societv?" 
"No." 
"Sir  Walter  Raleigh." 

s 

"My  father's  retired." 
"Mine's  out  of  a  job,  too." 


Football  Number 


19 


THE  WAGES  OF  VIRTUE 

.Mabel  was  a  prett\'  girl. 

A  sweet  angelic  miss. 

In  all  the  years  I  knew  her, 

Never  thought  she'd  come  to  this. 

'Twas  on  a  summer's  evening 
I  asked  to  take  her  home. 
She  looked  at  me  and  at  my  car ; 
The  end  she  might  ha\e  known. 

The    road    was    gray,     the     sky     was 

black. 
The  stars  did   twinkle   down. 
And  speedily  I  drove  my  car 
On  a  road  far  out  of  town. 

Hut  Mabel  got  romantic 
And  spoke  of  love  and  such. 
Before  she  could   prevent  it. 
Her  waist  my  arm  did  clutch. 

My  eyes  were  blue  and   now  they're 

black 
O,  what  a  change  she  made. 
She's  walking  down  a  railroad  track. 
Still  walking  I'm  afraid. 


Truer   words   have   ne'er   been   said, 
"All  those  who  die  are  surely  dead." 


Visitor:  "Terrible  weather  you 
have  here,  how  do  you  keep  from 
getting  a  cold?" 

Halfback:  "I  dode,  I'b  subbosed 
to  hab  the  Illinois  Code  ob  Spords- 
manshib  ride  now." 


((jrjniinuid  from  Pat/e   14) 

first  of  the  week  and  our  house  wants 
the  cup. 

This  place  really  has  all  the  peace 
and  quiet  of  the  Union  Station.  They 
even  believe  in  authenticy  so  far  as  to 
carry  it  to  having  a  waiting  line.  If 
I  could  get  the  popcorn  concession 
I'd  be  fixed  for  life. 

I  think  it  would  be  the  nerts  if 
Cjracie  woidd  say  she  wanted  to  go 
for  a  walk.  She  must  be  a  bear  for 
peace  and  quiet,  and  would  like  to 
like  anything  get  a  chance  to  smoke 
up  all  of  my  cigarettes  and  chew  all 
of  my  gum.  I  think  I'd  like  to  go  for 
a  walk  with  Gracie.  And  maybe  if 
we  sat  on  the  curb  it  wouldn't  be 
quite  so  congested.  This  place  must 
even  have  a  nice  old   English  gutter. 

Sure,  she's  just  dying  for  a 
cigarette.     Whoopdedoo. 


draWing 

DEFINITIONS 

History 

Heaven  is  a  place  where: 

psYchology 

Your  house  has  more  than  enough 

high    school    stars    holding   out    their 

Spanish 

lapels  for  pledge  pins. 

rheToric 

You    get   a   "knock-down"    to   the 

mUsic 

best-looking  co-ed  and  she  dates  you. 

eDucation 

You  get  a  schedule  with  no  first 

algEbra 

hours. 

lati  N 

The   Dean   gives   vou   a   permit   to 

chemisTrv 

keep  a  car  at  college. 

phySics 

The  Freshmen  carrv  matches. 

The     local     taproom     has     speedy 

Dietetics 

service. 

economics 

Rut  then,  that  is-  Heaven. 

mathEmatics 

— Peiui  State  Fralcr. 

s 

"/  /iiiss  "11/    battered  eiispidor," 

phYsiologv 

astrOnomv 

Said  a  little  Pi  Phi  dear. 

accoUntancv 

"Yeah."  replied  a  sister. 

bota  Ny 

"Yna    missed    it    ivhen    'tiras    here. 

Geology 

— Kansas  Sour  Owl. 

"Look  rriG  over,  1  suppose  yoii  woald 
lilcG  to  bocoiTK?  popu-lar  overnight  too," 
"No  saxophones  or  card  tricb  for  me! 
'Of  coLLPse  not  but  think  what  a  new  "tux" 
from  ^a,iifma-r/'s  could  do  for  you," 


20 


The  SIRliN 


Christmas  gifts— moderne 

necklet  and  bracelet  sets  to  match 
ladies  and  men's  rings 

compacts,  make  up  boxes  and  no\  elties,  fra- 
ternity and  sorority  badges 


tf^ 


burr-pattersoii  and  auld  co. 


'dick"  cott,  mi>r. 


official  fraternity  jewelers 
p.  o.  bldg. 


704  south  sixth 


THAT  8:30  CLASS 

Freshman — in  class,  note  hoots  in  hand.  />(  nti/s  poised. 

Sophomore — running  to   class. 

Junior — eating  breakfast. 

Senior — just  turning  tdarni  clock  off. 

N.  Y.  U.  Medley. 


"My  wife  never  scolds  me  for  dropping  ashes  on  the 
rug,  she  never  objects  to  me  staying  out  late,  or  drinking 
or  gambling." 

"Why  man.  you  ha\e  a  model  wife.  I  should  like  to 
meet  her." 

"You  can't.     She's  dead."  — Ohio  State  Sun  Dial. 


"Say,  are  you  drunk?" 

"If  I'm  not  I've  been  cheated." 

— irashington    University   Dirge. 

S 


Newly-wed  (honeymooning  in  the  West)  wired  to  his 
boss:  "Please  give  extension  ot  vacation;  it  is  wonderful 
out  here." 

Boss  replied:  "Come  back  at  once,  it  is  wonderful  any 
place." 


SUBSTITUTION 

Student  (at  hook  store):    "Gimme  a  map  of  Neiv  York 
State." 

(jlerk:    "All  ivc  have  are  maps  of  Neiv  Jersey." 
Student:     "O.  A.     That's  close  enough." 

— Syracuse  Orange  Peel. 

s 

"Who  shall  I  say  is  asking  for  him?"  inquired  the  opera- 
tor of  the  man  in  the  booth. 
"Mr.  O'Cohen." 
"Mr.  Who?" 
"Mr.  O'Cohen." 
"Just  a  minute — the  wires  are  crossed." 

— IVashington  University  Dirge. 

s 

Now  we  understand  why  blind  men  are  so  popular  with 
girls  as  dates — they  just  feel  their  way  around. 

— Alabama  Rammer  Jammer. 


Many  a  boy  would  make  an  excellent  dancer  if  he  would 
only  learn  to  stand  on  his  own  feet. — Crinnell  Malteaser. 

S 

Boy:     "Why  is  an  apple  red?" 

Friend:     "Because  it's  blushing  for  Eve." 


Football  Number 


21 


FOOTBALL  DEFINITIONS 

Coach:     Highest  paid  member  on  University  faculty. 

Player:     Small  brained,  large  headed  individual. 

Tackle:  Fond  embrace,  permitted  only  on  football 
fields.     Forbidden  elsewhere. 

Touchdown:  Ball  carrier  dropping  down  from  sheer 
exhaustion. 

Rooters:     Evidence  that  70,000  people  are  out  of  work. 

Cheer  leader:     Youngster  afflicted  with  strange  disease. 

Referee:     Blind  inmate  with  Saturday  oiif. 

Star:     One  who  goes  out  nights. 

Band :     Embryonic  doormen  for  Ohio  theatre. 

Linesman:  Junior  prom  chairman  of  bye  gone  years, 
still  racketeering. 

Training  table:  Free  meals  for  player  until  salary  check 
starts  comin'  in. 

Teams:     Bevy  of  individuals  pulling  against  each  other. 

Senior  manager:  One  who  has  first  installment  paid  on 
Isotta  Fraschini.  — Ohio  State  Sun  Dial. 

S 


Guide:  This,  ladies  and  gentlemen,  is  the  greatest 
cataract  in  the  country,  and  if  the  ladies  will  only  be  silent 
for  a  moment  you  will  hear  the  thunder  of  the  waters. 

J  00  Doo. 


Astronomy  Prof.:   Name  a  star  ii'tth  a  tail. 

Stiide:    Rin-Tin-Tiu.  — IJ.  of  Te.vas  Loni/honi. 


Ed:     "The  girls  say  you're  very  sympathetic. 
Co-ed:     "What  do  you  mean?" 
Ed:     "Fellow — Feeling!" 

S 


Stii/iifi  Orator:  "The  girl  of  today  is  no  different  from 
the  ivoman  of  tiventy  years  ago." 

Frum  Rear:  "Y'r  ri' ,  Guv,  you  shoulda  seen  the  relic 
I  dreiv   las'   night."  — Vanderbilt  Masquerader. 


"Boy,  call  me  a  taxi." 
"All  right,  your  a  taxi." 

— Wnshitigton    University   Dirge. 


It:     "His  last  words  were  'will  you  marry  me'?" 
Another  It:     "What  happened?" 
The  First  It:     "She  married  him." 

— fVashington  University  Dirge. 


Make  room  for  the  one  about  the  Scotch  murderer  who, 
when  entering  the  death  chamber,  complained  to  the  warden 
that  he  was  being  overcharged.  — Pen?t  State  Froth. 


Illinois'  only  Co-operative  Bookstores 

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A  pair  of  driviiii;  sloves  free  witli  every 
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4450  NO.ASMLANDAVE 

CHICAGO 
In  Ravenswood  Apartment  Hotel 


MOTHER  GOOSE 

Sing  a  song  of  six  pants, 
Pockets  full  of  rye, 
N'ineteeii-thirty-birds, 
Tote  it  or  go  dry. 
VVlu'ii  the  flasks  are  opened, 
The  birds  begin  to  sing, 
"Sweet  Ad-o-line,  Sweet  Ad-o-line" 
Oh.   Death,   where  is  thy  sting? 

— Alabama  Ramiiur  Jiiniimi . 

S 

Soph:     "I  don't  like  Hetty  Co-ed;  she's  so  biased." 
Frosh.     "What  do  you  mean,  bia.sed?" 
Soph:     "She's  always  saying:     'Buy  us  this,"  and   'Ri 
IS  that."  "  —.V.  ■>■.  I  \  Mtdlix. 

S 

-l/y  ijirl  is  an  ash-hlond. 

IffJlV    ttjllli' 

.Ills/   the  rciiKiins  of  a  hot  fin'. — Crinncll  Malleascr. 


SEZ  SHE 

A  pale,  proud  girl  turned  to  the  big,  heavy-browned 
man,  who  was  gazing  at  her  intently.  He  held  a  glittering 
kiiite  in  his  hand.  "Have  you  no  heart?"  she  asked  in  low, 
even  tones. 

"No,"  he  growled. 

"Then  give  me  ten  cents  worth  of  liver.  " 

— Alabama  Rammir  .1  aiiiiiicr. 

S 

Musically  Inclined 
Q. :     Have  you  heard  Wagner's  score? 
A.:     No,  who  were  they  playing? 

— r^  of  (Jii<a{/o  Phorni.v. 

S 

Use  Plain  Language 

6'/;c;    Do  you  neck? 

Halvard  man:    What? 

She:    Do  you  petf 

Halvard  man:    Pardon  mc? 

She:   Do  you  spoonf 

Hahiard  man:    If  on't  you  phase  explain  yourself.' 

She:  [fell,  then,  are  you  ivont.  at  various  and  sundry 
intervals,  to  induh/e  in  demonstratii'ely  intimate  relation- 
ships/ 

lAah'ard   man:     "Jf  hy.   certainly.     It  hy   didn't   you   say 
so  at  first/                                                   — Penn  Punch  Boiil. 
S 


"Date  her! 

Her  dad  drives  a  big  green  car!" 

He  murmured  and  I  said, 

"Fine!" 

How  did  I  know 

That  her  dad  drove  a  car 

On  the 

Dudley  Trolley  Line?  — Orange  Peel. 


Football  Number 

How  to  Play  Ball 

( Cd'itiniicd  iroiii   Piu/f  It) 

cany  the  ball  arouinl  opposite  ends 
at  the  same  time,  thereby  baffling  the 
opponents.  Skirtinji  the  end  is  al.so 
eftective,  but  with  the  long  skirts 
this  season  the  players  are  apt  to  trip 
and  automatically  go  into  a  triple 
pass,  which  is  over  most  player's 
heads.  Use  something  simple,  like 
tackling  the  dummy.  In  spite  of  an\- 
thing  Milton  C.  Work  says  about  it, 
a  dummy  should  be  tackled.  Finesse 
with  a  club  if  necessary.  Tackling 
is  especially  good  for  making  a  hole 
through  center.  If  the  center  objects, 
make  a  hole  through  somebody  else. 
Tackling  is  not  especially  dangerous 
if  the  tackier  and  the  tacklee  know 
what  it's  about.  Fig.  5  shows  Hvid- 
delson  just  after  he  tackled  Cagle  in 
the  great  Army  melee  of  '29.  The 
plaver  on  top  is  Huddelson,  and 
judging  from  his  expressions,  the 
affair  came  off  O.  K.  As  far  as  that 
goes,  Cagle  didn't  seem  to  mind 
either.  Football,  like  dates,  must 
have  co-operation. 

Many  unique  tactics  have  been  at- 
tributed to  me,  but  I  really  owe  them 
to  my  team,  God  bless  it.  It  was 
back  in  the  days  of  shaven  mugs  and 
gilt-edged  gaboons  when  a  recruit 
dashed  up  to  me  and  spoke  at  length 
in  no  uncertain  tones  about  my  ability 
as  a  coach.  "Aw,  hold  that  line," 
says  I.  Wherewith  he  dashed  out  on 
the  field  and  threw  the  team  for  a 
loss  of  seventy  yards.  Two  daj's  later 
he  came  on  the  field  wearing 
suspenders  and  a  belt.  "Why  the 
trick  get  up,"  asks  I.  "Safety,"  says 
he,  and  that's  how  that  started.  Foot- 
ball is  quite  intriguing. 


23 


M 


lnlini:it('    plmti)    of    Keitli    Cad.v    niiitiii 
liir  tlu>  tram. 

S 

For  some  time  little  boys  have 
been  looking  forward  to  the  day 
when  they  will  be  college  boys — sing 
the  "Stein  Song" — and  above  all 
pledge  Sigma  Alpha  Epsilon.  Ah,  but 
now  little  girls  can  sit  back  and 
dream  about  the  time  when  they  will 
pledge  Theta  and  be  nice,  big  Fi.sher 
Hodv  girls.       — Kiinsas  Sour  Oivl. 


WAISTCOATS   OF   REAL   QUALITY 

Before  you  buy  a  dress  or  dinner  waistcoat, 
make  it  a  point  to  look  for  the  green  label  of 
Catoir  Vesting  on  the  strap.  If  it  is  not  there, 
you  may  be  certain  that  you  are  not  getting 
the  best  in  either  fabric  or  workmanship. 

CatoiR 

IPronoiinced  "KAT^WAH'I 
VESTINGS       FACINGS       LININGS 


Doting  Relative:  Come  give  Aunty  a  dreat 
bid  kiss! 

Modern  Child:  Perhaps  I  shouldn't  speak 
about  it  but  iny  answer  is  "No!" — unless 
you  take  a  Life  Sa\  er  first. 


24 


The  SIREN 


Have  Your  Shoes  Rebuilt  at  the 

UNIVERSITY 

SHOE 
REBUILDERS 

Clean  Modern 

Popular  colors  in  dyes 

Full  line  of  laces,  polishes,  new  heels 
and  other  findings 

702  S.  Goodwin  Ave.  In  the  Prehn  Bldg. 


For  Your 

Thanksgiving 
Dinner 

Ser\e  individual  molds 

We  specialize  in  individual 

turkey,  pumpkin  and  fruit 

servings 

Champaign  Ice  Cream  Co. 
Ser\  e  indi\  idual  molds 


4175 


4176 


SALESMANSHIP 

"15ut   don't   \i)u   think   this   niacliiiu-   has   beautiful    tonal 
qualities?"  said  the  V'ictrola  salesman. 
"No." 

"Isn't  it  reallv  the  best  machine  for  the  money?" 
"No." 

"But  surely  you'll  aj^ree  the  cabinet  is  remarkable.  .  .  ." 
"No." 

"Say,  what's  your  name,  anyway?" 
"Brunswick."  — [/.  of  Kansas  Sour  Old. 


1  know  a  guy  who  has  water  on  the  knee,  water  on  the 
brain,  is  a  swimming  champion  and  had  an  uncle  who  was 
drowned  last  week. 

It  can  truly  be  said,  "He  is  a  gentleman  of  the  first 
water." 

v.  S.     He  has  a  water  Spaniel,  too. 

— Alabama   Polytechnic  Institute   (,'ajoler. 

S • 

First  Co-ed:  "I  think  hit/  formal  dances  are  just  a  bore. 
I  abhor  them,  don't  you?" 

Second  (Jo-ed:  "Quite  so.  I  didn't  get  a  prom  bid 
either."  —N.  Y.  U.  Medley. 


Daughter    (screaming) :     "Mother,   Jim's    telling    me   a 
joke  about  a  traveling  salesman." 

Mother:    "Heavens.  I'll  call  your  father." 
Daughter:    "Never  mind.  I'll  tell  it  to  him." 

— f'anderbilt  Masquerader. 


CONFUSION 

Elevator  boy:  You  say  you  want  to  go  up  to  Downes? 
Now  Downes  is  up  on  third  and  also  down  in  basement. 
Upps  are  on  the  fourth  floor  with  offices  in  the  second 
basement.  Now  do  you  want  to  go  down  to  Upps  or 
Downes?  Or  would  you  prefer  that  I  first  take  you  up  to 
Downes,  then  down  to  see  Upps  and  up  to  see  Upps  or 
down  to  see  Upps  and  Downes,  and  then  up  to  Upps  or 
Downes,  or  both  Upps  and  Downes.     — Ohio  Sun  Dial. 


Prison  Parson   (to  prisoner  in  electric  chair):    Have  you 
any  last  request? 

Convict:   Yeh.   I  jcish  you'd  put  in  a  call  to  mc  pal  ichat 
squealed  on  me  an    reverse  the  charges. 

— Stanford  (Jhapparral. 


Young  Nurse:  That  freshman  in  bed  sei^en  is  aivfully 
handsome! 

Superior:  5  es,  but  don't  iiash  his  face,  he's  had  that 
done  six  times  today.  — -Cornell  Widoiv. 


football  Number 


25 


Purer  Than  Ivory 

//('   urn   'Jiily   'J9.^7   per  rent   /'lire   //realise   he   hiiil  onee 
uhistled  (I  niiiu/hty  sony.  — West  Point   I'niiitir. 


Old   boy:      "Son,    isn't   it   about   time   you    thought   of 
taking  a  wife?" 

Little  stuff:     "O.  K. — whose  wife  shall  I  take?" 

S 


Frosh   (to  senior  co-ed)  :    Give  me  a  date  sometime,  wil 
1? 

Co-ed:     I'd  like  to.  but  I  can't  go  out  with  a  baby. 
Frosh:     Oh,  beg  pardon.     I  didn't  know  about  it. 

— Orange  Peel. 


The  garbage  department  has  an  offal  team  this  year. 

— Exchange. 


Sweet  Y'oung  Thing:  (At  football  game)  "1  don't 
like  that  huddle  system.  It  makes  them  look  like  a  herd  of 
sheep." 

Unkind  escort:     "Yea,  waiting  for  the  slaughter." 


cy/r/Ae// 


Planters    Salted  Pea- 
nuts  hit    your   appetite 
just    right.     Big,    whole 
peanuts,  properly  salted. 
Crisp,  fresh  and  ■whole- 
some. Look  for  Mr.  Pea- 
nut on  the  glassine  bags. 
Five   cents  everywrhere. 

"The  Nickel  Lunch" 

Planters  Nut  &  Chocolate  Company 

U.S.A.  and  Canada 

Planters 

^t^i-rtrr^  PeAN  UTS^= 


If  all  the  dirty  jokes  told  by  football  men  while  in  the 
huddle  were  reserved  for  use  on  sorority  porches — well, 
tliere  would  be  a  huddle. 


He:     "You  know,  darling,  you're  like  an  angel." 

She:     "Why,  honey?" 

He:  "You  are  always  harping  on  things,  always  flitting 
about,  and  always  complaining  about  not  having  anything 
to  wear." 


"Who  were  those  'old-timers'  I  saw  you  with  last 
night?" 

"Hell!  Those  weren't  two  'old-timers,'  those  were  old 
'two-timers!" 


Football  mother.     Son,  you're  looking  fine,  but  what  is 
that  behind  your  left  ear? 

Football  man:     My  right  one,  mother. 

— Penn   Piuieh   Bnul. 


father:     My  son  is  reckless,  careless,  and  indifferent  of 
consequences. 

Friend:     Fine.     Make  a  taxi  driver  of  him. 

—  IL  of  Te.\as  Loiii/liorii. 


1  Still  Get  aThrill" 

And  you'll  get  one 
too  .  .  .  when  you 
swing  to  this  ring- 
ing, singing  "Come 
and  kiss  me"  waltz 
^  .  .  on  a  Victor  Rec- 
ord played  for  you 
by  Ted"  Weenis  and  his  well-known 
dance  orchestra  .  .  . 

The  world's  *'big  shots"  in  music . . . 
record  exclusively  for  Victor.  Here's  a 
hand-picked,  5-starred  list. .  .both  hot  and 
sweet . . .  unleash  the  old  dogs  on  these! 


Vi«*<«r 
lt«><-or<l 
^^iil,"!      I  STILL  GET  A  THRILL 


Ted  Weems 

Orch. 

Hilo  Hairniian 

Orch. 


Sing 
^ZiiOt     ON   A  LITTLE  STREET 

IN  HONOLULU 

All  Through  ihc  Night 
:i2.1Ht      lEVRMNO  A  LOT  FROM  VOU         Johnny  Johiuon 

A  Hip  ll..ut|uel  f..r  V  "■     ■ 

22^11       III  I  lAHAlOO 


llal>vn<m°lV<iuPlr 


rHn 


Orch. 

McKinncy'i  Cotton 

Picker, 


Vi 


etor    Records 


26 


riw  SIKBN 


Thrill  A  lighter  Thrill  for  You 

HAROLD  LLOYD 


IN 


Feet  First 

with  BARBARA  KENT 

Rialto  Theatre 

Starting  Saturday,  December  6 


USE  THIS  "AD 
for... 


Xmas  Portraits 
At  Half  Price 

WEBER  STUDIO 

John  Street 


AIN'T  IT  THE  TRUTH? 

1.  Love  is  a  disease  that  most 
girls  get  just  as  often  as  they  are 
exposed. 

2.  When  a  fellow  loves  a  girl  he 
thinks  even  her  sneeze  has  a  sweet 
sound. 

.3.  The  only  difference  between  a 
caprice  and  a  life-long  passion,  is  that 
the  caprice  lasts  a  little  longer. 

4.  Simple  pleasures  are  the  last 
refuge  of  the  comple.x. 

5.  Young  men  want  to  be  faith- 
ful and  are  not.  Old  men  want  to 
be  faithless  and  cannot. 

— Alabama  Rainincr  Jammer. 
My  Dear  Miss  Dix: 

I  am  a  ynunt/  girl  IS  years  of  aye 
and  folks  say  I  am  pretty.  Of  late,  in 
the  night  time  uhen  I  am  going  to 
hed.  I  have  been  bothered  by  the 
must  peculiar  insect  that  keeps  buzz- 
ini/  at  my  icindoiv.  I  have  used  three 
cans  of  Flit,  but  it  has  no  apparent 
effect.    IV hat  shall  I  dof 

— Eighteen. 
Dear  Eighteen: 

Scare  the  Freshman  home  hy  in- 
vitinc/  him  inside. 

— Penn   Punch   Boicl. 


"Say,  dat  guy  busted  de  crystal  of 
me  watch.  What  should  I  do  to 
him?" 

"Go  ahead,  give  him  de  u'oiks." 
— V.  of  Texas  Longhorn. 


"May  I  present  my  wife?" 
"No,    thanks,    I    have   one   of   my 
own."     — [/.  of  Texas  Longhorn. 


Soph:    Dad,  you  are  a  lucky  man. 

Father:    I  low  is  that? 

Soph:    You  icon't  have  to  buy  me 
any  school  books  this  year.  Fm  taking 
fill  of  last  year's  work  OT'er  again. 
—  U.  of  Texas  Longhorn. 

S 


Dumb?  Say  I  told  him  Hal  and 
Peg  had  a  lot  in  common  and  he  asks 
me  when  they're  going  to  build  on 
it!" 


Teke:  "Do  you  know  the  honey 
song?" 

Frosh :    "Which  is?" 

Soak:  "If  I  Could  Ree  With  You 
(^ne  Hour  Tonight." 


Bridegroom:      And   they   say   that 
no  two  people  have  the  same  thought. 


Football  N amber 


27 


Just  name  an 
Occasion    

—  and   we'll    name   a 
group  of  Cheney  Cra- 
vats particularly 
suited   for  that 
very  occasion. 

In    fact  — 
for  every   type 
of  daytime  and 
evening  wear.  Your  fa- 
vorite shop  carries  them. 

C  ]H[  IE  ]N[  EY 

^JRAVATS 

MADE      OF      CHENEY      SILKS 


^m 

V^ 

V^"" 

'*.  ■"' 

♦          ♦         ■  3^ 

W^  'o^T^^^^^^BSfTJ^B 

-MV^ 

J'^'-U-  ,               ^ 

>»  %  *< 

.^_& *-^  ♦■  ^-^ 

\Sh:'^ 


^ 


^ 


28 


The  SIREN 


Christmas  is  Coming. . . 


Order  personal  greetinjj  cards  now.  These  arc 
cards  of  your  selection  with  your  name  en- 
i;raved  thereon.  If  you  have  a  name  plate  brinf* 
it  in,  or  we  will  have  one  made  for  you  in  any 
style  of  lettering*. 

We  can  also  supply  relief  printed  cards.  These  require 
no  plates.  Prices  are  slightlj  higher  than  for  ordinary 
stock  cards. 


CHQISTA\AS 
GREETIAIG 

Cards 


Orders  can  be  filled  ini  three  to  fife  days  notice 
Doseiis  of  s<i>nf>les  to  choose  front 


THE   CO-OP 


(Jn  the  Square 


On  the  Square 


Pardon . 

Can  We  "Cut-in '? 


Just  the  art  of  shaking  a  fast  and 
loose  foot  doesn't  make  you  the 
Duke  of  the  Dance  in  the  eyes 
of  the  Dutchess. 

"^ Our  scenery  has  got  to  be  every 
bit  as  good  as  your  stepping — if 
you  expect  to  shine. 

And  what  could  be  better  than 
placing  your  justified  confidence 
in  one  of  the  new  fall  models  of 
the  Famous  -  with  -  Fashionable- 
Fellows. 

CmsonMooney 

eiQ  E.Grccn  St. 


Dear  Mr.  Editor:  II  ill  you  please  rend  the  enclosed 
poem  carefully  and  return  it  to  me  nitli  your  candid  criti- 
cism as  soon  as  possible,  as  I  have  other  irons  in  the  fire. 

My   Dear  Sir:    Remove   the  irons  and  insert   the  poem. 

— Longhorn. 

s 


"He  was  trampled  to  death  b\'  sheep. 
"Sort  of  dyed  in  the  wool,  eh?" 

— / 

S 


lion    Tie/cr. 


riirce  men  icere  stranded  on  a  desert  island.  It  7Cas 
three  weeks  before  the  rescue  party  arrived.  Tuo  of  the 
men  ivere  dead — the  third  iLcis  as  strong  and  healthy  as  the 
day  he  and  his  companions  iverc  stranded. 

The  leader  of  the  rescue  party  looked  at  the  tiio  strong 
men  lyini/  dead  on  the  sands  from  starvation.  Then  he 
looked  at  the  puny  survivor.  "Tell  me."  he  said.  "Hole  in 
the  uorld  did  you  manage  to  survive  iiithout  food  lehen 
these  tivo  poucrful  nun  could  not?" 

The  man  smiled.  "I  ate  at  a  Fraternity  house  for  four 
years,"  he  admitted.  — Bueknell  U.  Belle  Hop. 


Bum:     "Say  mister  can  you  slip  me  a  dime  for  a  cup  of 
)ffee? — I  haven't  worked  for  a  year." 
Top  hat:     "Well,  for  that  matter,  I  haven't  either." 
—  U.  of  Chicago  Phoenix. 


Football  Number 


29 


Your  good  deed 
for  today 


--—  LISTEIV  IIV  -— 

Crantlaiid  Rice  -^~  Famous 
Sports  Champions  -^Coca-Cola 
Orcheslra  -^Wednesday  10:30 
to  11  p.  m.  E.  S.  T.  -^  Coast  to 
Coast  NBC  Network     --—.-- 


Pause 

that  refreshes 

No  matter  how  busy  you  are — how  hard  you 
work  or  play  —  don't  forget  you  owe  your- 
self that  refreshing  pause  with  Coca-Cola. 

You  can  always  find  a  minute,  here  and 
there,  and  you  don't  have  to  look  far  or 
wait  long  for  Coca-Cola.  A  pure  drink  of 
natural  flavors  —  always  ready  for  you  — 
ice-cold  —  around  the  corner  from  any- 
where. Along  with  millions  of  people  every 
day  you'll  find  in  Coca-Cola's  wholesome 
refreshment  a  delightful  way  to  well-being. 

The  Coca-Cola  Company,  Atlanta,  Ga. 


9    MILLION    A     D  AY  ^  IT     HAD     TO     BE    GOOD    TO    (JET    WHERE    IT    IS 


30 


The  SIREN 


CHRISTMAS 
CARDS 


Buy  them  early  —  get  first  pick. 
Engraved  or  Printed.  You'll  be 
surprised  when  you  see  our  dis- 
play of  cards  for  5c  to  5()c  and  box 
assortments  50c  and  $1.00. 

STATIONERY  —  GIFTS 

Fancy  Wrappings  and  Tyings 

Watts'  Specialty  Shop 

1204  1-2  W.  Cal.  Ave. 
One-half  Block  East  of  Chem.  Bldg. 


He   lauf:;he(l   when   I   sat  down   at  the  piano — So  I    iips 
and  smashed  him  in  the  puss.  — Cornell  Widoii'. 


SOFT  PROFESSIONS 

Taming  wild  flowers  in  a  greenhouse. 

Night  watchman  on  the  sorority  quad. 

Hiacksniith  in  Detroit. 

Cook  at  the  Phi  Kap  house. 

Dietician  in  Armenia. 

Mind   reader  at  a  traveling  salesmen's  convention. 

Weather  forecaster  on  the  Sahara. 

lulitor  of  the  Daily.     — Northwestini  l^i/r/>lr  I'linot. 


St.  Petei-  (to  Commerce  student  and  Liberal  .'\rts  stu- 
dent applying  at  Gates  of  Heaven)  :  "I  find  I  can  let  both 
of  you  gentlemen  enter,  and  as  a  reward  for  your  earthly 
good  deeds  1  shall  grant  each  of  you  a  wish.  You,  sir,  what 
do  you  wish  for?" 

Liberal  Arts  Student:  "I'd  like  to  have  a  million 
dollars." 

St.  Peter:  "Granted — here  it  is,  and  you,  sir,  what  do 
you  wish  for?" 

Commerce  Student:  "Fifteen  dollars'  worth  of  fake 
jewelry,  and  a  half  hour  alone  with  that  guy." 

— Northicesiern  Pitrplr  Parrot. 


VIRGINIA 

sl;^l).v^,  .M(tM).vv,  ti  i;si)  vv,  novkmbkk  3S,24,3."> 
What  a  Story — What  a  Siren 

Gloria  Swanson 

"WHAT  A  WIDOW" 

Keekless  loves  .  .  .  susiir  diiddies  .  .  .  roineos  .  .  .  it's 
tilt'  greatest,  fastest,  spiciest  eonied.v  "f  her  rareer! 


WKD.,  THfRS.,  nil.,   S.4T.,  November  26,  27,  28,  29 
The  lalkins  sereens  latest  sensational  "find" 

Richard  Cromwell 

"TOL'ABLE  DAVID" 

with  JOAN  PEERS— NOAH  BEERY 


ORPHEUM 

SATlIJI)\^     \M»   SIND.W,    N(>\  K.AIISKIJ    il.    TA 

If  love  is  a  flame     here  is  a  conflagration 

"STRICTLY  MODERN" 

Dorothy  Mckaill 

MONH.W,  TLESU.W,  WKUNESU.W,  NOV.  24,  25,  26 

The  picture  that  was  iiiven  four  stars  by  all  tritirs 

"THE  SILENT  ENEMY" 

The  thrilliim   Iriilh!    Wild  beasts,   wihl  people, 
fiulilim;    for   love,   life— 


I  felt  for  my  watch — it  was  gone ! 

I  felt  for  my  pants — they  were  gone! 

I    felt   for   my  shoes — they   were   gone ! 

My  God !   Where  was  I  ? 

Hell!    I  was  in  bed.  —Minn.  Ski-U-Mah. 


How  to  find  an  intelligent  girl.     Tickle  her  under  the 
chin.     If  she  laughs,  she's  intelligent,  if  she  don't,  duck. 

— Pi/t  Panther. 


THE  RETORT  COURTEOUS 

"Any  ice  today,  lady?" 

"No  thanks,  I  have  two  of  mv  own." — Punch  Boivl. 


Coach:     "Ilcy.   useless,  where  in   dash  did  ynu  learn   to 
play  foolhdli'" 

Scruh:     "Fro/n   reading  your  book,  sir." 

— Southern  California  ff'anif>us. 

S 


PROBABLY  NOT 

We  wonder  if  those  fellows  who  take  the  pictures  for 
these  Art  magazines  get  a  salary  too.  — Y.  AI.  J.  Sniper. 


Football  Number 


An  Anomalous  Equation 
In  Kuhn's  Pep  Steps 

Two  Feet  in  Pep  Steps= 

Yards  of  Couijort= 

Miles  of  Satisfaction 

The  utmost  in  shoe  value  at  $7.50 
"Ahead  at  the  Foot" 

THE  STORE  FOR  ILLINOIS  MEN 

Jos.  Kuhn  &  Co. 

Downtown  —  Champaign 


SAFE 

A  mother  stood  wringing  her  hair  in  the  hallway.  Under 
her  breath  she  repeated  again  and  again  with  vehemence, 
"That  perfectly  filthy,  beastly  wretch."  From  the  living- 
room,  wherein  was  the  cause  of  the  mother's  alarm,  came  a 
resonant  mascuine  voice. 

"Cute  little  ears,  funny  little  ears.  Like  to  have  me  pull 
them?  There  now,  just  lie  still,  I'm  not  hurting  you,  you 
like  that.    There  I'm  going  to  blow  in  this  one." 

After  infinite  seconds  of  nerve-racking  strain  the  mother 
burst  into  the  room.  At  the  sight  before  her  she  became 
hysterical.  There  he  sat  on  the  davenport  looking  into  the 
soulful  eyes  of  the  family  cat.  A  mother's  little  girl  was 
safe  after  all.  — Arizona  Kitty-Knt. 


STRAUCH'S 

AT  THE  CAMPUS 


House  of  Attracitve 
Gifts  and  Greetings 

Your  Christmas  problems  made 
easier  by  a  visit  to 

STRAUCH'S 

Jewelry,  Leather,  Stationery,  Metal,  Pottery, 
Illinois  Seal  Novelties,  Pen-Pencil  and  Desk 

Sets. 

709  SOUTH  WRIGHT  STREET 


AND  HOW! 

"Is  good-night  two  words?" 

"Honey  it's  two  hours  if  you've  got  the  right  man." 
—  U.  of  Kentucky  Moonshier. 

S 

Then  there's  the  freshman  who  said :     "Steam  is  water 
gone  crazy  as  hell  with  the  heat." 

— Georgia  Tech   Yclloiv  Jacket. 

S 

U  ifc  (to  ahseut-iiiided  professor) :    "Your  hat  is  on  the 
ivronij  ivay.  dear." 

Prof.:    "IIoiu  do  yon  knoiv  ivhich  ivay  I'm  t/oingf" 
— f{  isconsin  Octopus. 


WHITE  LINE 
LAUNDRY 

HOME    OF    KAPTAIN    KLEAN 


32 


The  SIREN 


4 


y 


MR.  HAROLD  JAEGER, 

a  Wisconsin  man 


our  correspondents 


on    college   styles 


College  Humor  Magazine  introduces  these  two  young 
people,  recently  appointed  to  the  editorial  staff. 
Each  month  they  will  inform  you  of  the  modern 
trend  of  fashion. 

You  will  meet  them  each  month  in  the  pages  of  this 
magazine,  and  since  they  will  be  visiting  colleges 
constantly,  perhaps  before  long  you  may  meet  them 
in  person  on  your  own  campus. 

Alert,  keen,  so  recently  out  of  school  themselves 
that  they  can  easily  keep  their  fingers  on  the  pulse  of 
those  influences  which  affect  college  styles  and  cus- 
toms, you  may  follow  their  predictions  and  know  that 
you  are  unerringly  correct  in  your  dress. 

They  are  .--eady  to  help  you  with  any  problems  your 
wardrobe  may  present,  with  advice  and  information. 
This  is  a  service  College  hlumor  is  happy  to  offer  to 
college  men  and  women. 


College  Humor 

MAGAZINE 


POME 

Si-i'  tlu-  iiapp\  nioroii, 
He   doesn't  give   a  damn. 
I  wish  I  were  a  moron. 
-My  (lod,  perhaps  I  am. 

— Ilarvtir/l  Ldiiifioan. 


SCIENTIFIC  FARMING 

Mary  had  a  little  cow 
And,  ho,  how  it  did  stutter, 
In  place  of  every  quart  of  milk, 
It  gave  a  pound  of  butter. 

— Alaharna  Raininer  Jdinincr. 


Mary  had  a  football  man 

Who  had  a  trick  toe. 
Everywhere  that  Mary  went 

Her  man  was  sure  to  go. 

He  followed   her  to  class  one  day. 

Though  not  against  the  rule, 
It  surely  made  them  laugh  to  see 
A  football  man  in  school.     — Orange  Peel. 


PICTURES 


ARE 

INDISPENSIBLE 

SUCCESSFUL 
PUBLICATION 


Etchinp^ 

Phot^o-'Enoi'ecv>in  os 

Colo  np.lati?  j~» 


GRGRliBBeCO 

111,       ENGRAVERS       -^ 
"",,     CHAMPAIGN, 
ILLINOIS. 


l 


I 


HOLLY  DAYS 

are  HAPPY  DAYS 


Suits  and 
Overcoats 

smartly 
fashioned 


-»*'  r->l 


Shirts 


shirts    of    finest 

and     piques,    a 

1    value    here    at 


Shown  in  a  numbt 
of  popular  styles  i 
either   lilack    or   whit. 


$6.50  and  up 


Mufflers 


ariety  of  pattern 
,  n  d  colors;  v  e  r  ; 
pecial    at 

$2.00  and  up 


d 


With  Proms,  Christ- 
mas Formals,  and 
New  Year's  in  the 
offinsj,  together  with 
its  attendant  celebra- 
tions, man  naturally 
wants  to  look  his  best. 
And  that's  possible  in 
one  of  FLYNN'S 
custom  -  tailored 
Tuxedos.  The  fabrics 
were  carefully  chosen 
and  cut  to  the  newest 
styles  of  the  19.11 
season.  As  a  special 
inducement  to  scores 
of  men  we  offer  one 
large  group  at  a 
moderate  price  of 


*35 


FLYNN'S 

ON  THE  CAMPUS 


^%jVTPs:is 


■^NC  THE  S140?SB£ 


Thr    rhoiresi    Turkish    nnrf    D..mF.<fir 
harr,,,.   ,alurat,J  uilh  sunshin,:  arr   , 
fully   rnmhineil   in    the   Camel   hl.-n<l 
l<>    Eire    you    a    milit    and    null,,,,-    urn 
/rnuranl.    Iull.h,„lie,l.      1  .ar    in    a„<l 
..ul    mur,-   penple    smnltr   (nm.U    ihnn 


When  cigarettes  are  lighted  in  any  gathering,  it's  easv 
to  divide  the  gronp  into  two  classes:  smokers  and 
puffers.  Those  who  take  short  pulls,  blow  the  smoke 
out  in  gusts,  smoke  anv  brand  that's  offered  —  thev 
are  the  puffers.  Those  who've  learned  the  gentle 
art  of  extracting  pleasure  from  good  tobacco  let  the 
fragrant  cloud  ease  out,  as  though  they're  loath 
to  let  go  of  a  good  thing.  Smokers.  And  of  these, 
notice  the  significant  nund)cr  who  insist  upon  Camels. 


nth- 


"gar 


©  1930.  R.  .1.  Reynolds  Tobacco 
Company.  W  iiisl on  -  Salem,  IV.  C. 


/jev.^^t;^ 


A  Portrait  of  Distinction 

— makes  the  ideal  Christmas  gift 
that  only  you  can  give 


A  few  Suggestions 


% 


MINIATURES 

MONOTONES 

GRAVURES 

OIL  PORTRAITS 

GOLD  PORTRAITS 


^ 


All    featured    at   decided    savings 


The  HOYT  STUDIO 

Kenneth  Eugene  Frederick 
623  East  Green  Street 

.-1   I'isit  to  the  Frederick  Galleries  is  zcorth  while-come  up  and  smoke 


Holiday  Number 


Put  the  "grin" 
in  Grind 


Grantland  Rice  — ■ — v—  Famous 
Sports  Champion9'»-'Coca-Cola 
Orchestra-*— Every  Wednesday 
10:30  to  11  p.  in.  E-S-T.-t*- 
Coast  to  Coast  NBC  Network 


-"^'L  Pause 

that  refreshes 

When  much  study  is  a  weariness  to  the  flesh. 
When  you  find  yourself  getting  nowhere  — 
fast.  Pipe  down!  Don't  take  any  more  pun- 
ishment! Let  go  everything!  Pause  for  a 
moment  and  refresh  yourself. 

That's  just  the  time  and  place  when  an  ice-cold 
bottle  or  glass  of  Coca-Cola  will  do  you  the  most 
good.  A  regular  cheer-leader  with  its  happy 
sparkle  and  delicious  flavor,  while  its  pure, 
wholesome  refreshment  packs  a  big  rest  into  a 
little  minute  and  gets  you  off  to  a  fresh  start. 

The  Coca-Cola  Company,  Atlanta,  Ga. 


9    MILLION    A    DAY  —  IT    HAD    TO    BE    GOOD    TO    GET    WHERE    IT    IS 


The  SIREN 


Give  Books 

There's  Nothing  More 
Ideal  as  a  Gift 


$1.00 

Lincoln's  Own  Stories 

Trader  Horn 

April  Fools 

Heart  of  the  North 

Love  Joy 

Disraeli 

2  lived  this  story 

Gleoptra 

Cellini 

Outline  of  History 

Transition 

Edison 

Story  of  Philosophy 

Etiquette 

Franklin 

All  at  $1.00  Per  Copy 

Hundrt'tls  of  other  interesting  titles 


THE 


E    STUDENTS'  SUPPI.Y 

~M%U0jrKUt 


tn 


Id  K:ist   Oaiiirl 
(liainpaimi 


■.'()■.'   Sniilli   Miillicu.v 
llrhaiia 


Sonnet  XIX  I 

(',7    Booster,   icith   the  aid   of  Milton,  sums    ///>   his  fihi- 
loyophy.) 

When  I  consider  how  my  life  is  spent — 
Por  all  my  days  in  Boosting  far  and  wide, 
And  all  my  talents  (which  I  do  not  hide), 
Hy  me  made  Useful  till  my  back  be  bent. 
To  Serve  therewith  dear  Service  and  present 
My  true  account,  lest  She  returning  chide 
That  all  good  men  have  not  yet  been  allied 
To  Her  sweet  worship — then  I  am  content; 
For  Service  soon  replies:     "I  have  no  need 

"Of  those  who  neither  Work  or  Boost.  Who  best 
"And  loudest  Boosts,  Serves 
Service  best.     This  state 
"Is  Mine,  and  thousands  at  My  bidding  Speed 
"O'er  land  and  sea.    I  have  no  Use  for  rest. 

"They  do  not  Ser\c  who  only  stand  and  wait." 
— California  Pelican. 


Me:     "Why  have  I  never  seen  any  stories  about  bob- 
tailed  cats?" 

Ow:     "Because  there  are  no  tales." 

— Boston  U.  Bean  Pot. 


Woman  (to  druggist)  :  "Have  you  got  a  big  shaving 
mug?" 

Druggist :  "What  do  you  care,  you  don't  have  to  shave 
it."  — Vanderhilt  Masquerader. 

s 

A  college  man  is  a  guy  who  knows  what  she  wants 
when  she  wants  it.  — California  Pelican. 


Pros.  Att. :  "Did  you  leave  your  room  bent  on  murder?" 
Hambone:    "Nossuh,  I  lef  dere  staggerin'  on  cahn." 
—  Vanderhilt  Masquerader. 


A  beautiful  sunset  was  slowly  sinking  in  the  golden 
West  when  a  boy  and  a  girl  went  on  a  picnic  in  the  park. 
Before  they  spread  their  lunch  on  the  ground  the  boy 
started  to  feel  the  ground  to  see  if  it  was  wet. 

"Hm,  some  dew!"  he  said. 

"Yeah,  and  some  don't,"  was  the  reply. 

— Pennsylvania  Punch  Bmil. 

S 


A  gent  passed  gently  into  a  restaurant,  slipped  into  a 
seat  and  noticed,  upon  the  menu,  "Fresh  tongue,  while  it 
lasts." 

The  gentleman  addressed  the  waiter:  "I  hope  your 
tongue  isn't  out." 

Waituh:     "Why.  I  thud  thay  not." 

— -Vanderbilt  Masquerader. 


Holiday  Number 


• .  •  and  so  they  put  this 

abandoned   playground 

to  work 

Several  years  ago  a  group  of  Western  Electric  men  set  out  to  find 
the  best  location  for  a  vast  new  telephone  manufacturing    plant. 

Reels  of  cable  roll        f^^  To  assure  availability  of  labor  the  site  must  be  near  a  large  city, 

where  roller  coast- 
ers once  roared  .  . . 

yet  land  prices  must  not  be  prohibitive.  Transportation  facilities  were  of  utmost 
importance.  Local  civic  policies  must  be  favorable  to  the  growth  of  industry.  CL.  Months 
of  fascinating  investigation  revealed  an  ideal  site — a  once  famous  playground  near 
Baltimore,  which  no  longer  paid  its  way.  CL  Here  was  an  interest- 
ing problem,  and  an  indication  of  the  diversity  of  work  that  all 


comes  under  the  heading   of  "Backing   up    the   Bell    System."        Handy  shipping  fadU 

"  or  J  ities — a  prime  reason 

for  choosing  Baltimore 


Western  Electric 

Manufacturers     Purchasers  .  V>istrihutors 


SINCE     1882     FOR    fS 


1 


THE     BELL     SYSTEM 


The  SIREN 


I'Ari.  O.   RITCHER Edilor-in-Chief 

II.  K.   McDERMOTT Business  Manager 


Lars    Halvorsen Make-Up  Editor 

Marion   Irrmann Exc/ian//e  Editor 

Alice    Ireland Literary  Editor 

Lou  Riiskin ^rl  Editor 

llardld    Bowen Assistant   Jrt  Editor 

Charles  Jacobson,  Sidney  Turner,  H.  E.  Nelson,  Dorothy  Pelzer,  Tom  Powers,  Eleanor  Dollins, 
Henry  Avery,  O.  Becker,  Martha  Righter,  Douglas  Frost,  tieneva  Hitt,  Clifford  McCartin,  Ed 
Malley,  Marion  Peterson,  Hal  Jewell,   David  Jones,  Helen  Clayton,  Helen  Howarth. 

BusixEss  Staff 

M.   E.   Ciosnell Idvirtising  Mgr.  John  McCormick Asst.  Cir.  Mgr. 

Ray  Ball Ass't  Adi:  Mgr.  Virginia  Edes Asst.  Cir.  Mgr. 

Francis    MacTaggert Copy   Mgr.  William    Zoeller Collection   Mgr. 

Joe   Gallentine Circulation  Mgr.  Betty   Lou    Hughes Office   Mgr. 

Virginia   Morton,   Evelyn   Nelson,   Mary   Henley,   Charlotte   Schminke,   Janet   Fuller. 

Published  monthly  by  the  Illiiii  Publishing  Company,  University  of  Illinois,  during  the  college  year. 
Entered  as  second-class  matter  at  the  Post-Oflice  at  Urbana.  Illinois,  by  act  of  Congress,  March  3,  1879. 
Office  of  publication,  Illini  Publishing  Company.  Subscription  price  $1.00  the  year.  Address  all  com- 
munications, Illinois  Union  Building.  Champaign,  Illinois.  Copyright,  19.10,  by  The  Siren.  Exclusive  reprint 
rights   granted  to  0)||ge){UniOr  magazine. 


Co n  t  e  n  t  s 


COVER Hettie  Toebelnian 

Madame  X  says 7 

Close  Shave,  by  Al  Niess S 

I  interview  Santa  Claus - 10 

(lee.  Bridge  Is  Funny,  hy  Joyre  Neic/ii/i..-   15 

A  study  in  Waists  and  Measures -.16 

Coming  Distractions,  by  .-l/ier  Ircltind 18 


Holiday  Number 


INKLINGS 

from 
Ye  Editor's  Pen 


Christmas  Is  Coming — Hooray!! 

Just  a  few  more  hours  and  vacation  will  be  here  again!  No  eight  o'clocks,  no  quizzes,  no  seminar! — And  for  heaven's 
sake  throw  away  the  books,  term  papers,  and  outside  problems  for  a  while.  You  won't  need  them  anyhow,  at  least  until 
next  year. 

And  lest  we  forget.  Here's  hoping  that  this  carton  of  humor,  labeled  the  Holiday  number  of  the  SIREN,  will  give 
you  some  of  that  old  holiday  spirit.     Taken  in  small  doses,  it's  a  sure  cure  for  the  blues  or  what  have  you? 

Right  here  it  might  not  be  out  of  place  to  mention  some  of  those  adamant  souls  who  have  labored  through  the  long 
nights  to  make  this  SIREN  possible.  Joyce  Newbill,  Catherine  Haynie,  and  Al  Niess  have  written  some  choice  bits  ot  real 
humor.    Marion  Irrmann  is  irresponsible  for  the  representative  exchanges. 

At  this  time  we  are  prepared  to  announce  to  the  gasping  public  that  the  next  issLie  will  be  a  "Takeoff"  number.  What 
it  will  take  off  on  will  be  announced  after  vacation.  The  countless  readers  of  this  magazine  will  ha\e  to  wait  in  suspense 
until  then. 

S 


The  Folly  of  Vacations 

Hv  Lars  Halvorsen  ix  ax  off  Moment 

Vacations  are  not  in  the  slightest  degree  beneficial  to  students,  both  in  regard  to  health  and  to  education — that  is 
scholasticalh',  of  course.  Be  honest  with  yourself,  apply  sound  reasoning,  and  you  will  surely  agree  with  us  on  our  various 
points.  Nearly  everyone  saves  his  term  papers  and  big  problems  for  leisure  time  during  the  holidays.  In  the  week  or  so 
preceding  the  eventful  day  when  you  hop  on  the  train  bound  for  the  city  of  your  home,  absolutely  no  work  is  done. 

You  just  go  around  dreamy  eyed  and  think  of  the  beautiful  time  you  have  in  store.  Then  at  eleven  o'clock  in  the  morn- 
ing— vacation  always  begins  in  the  middle  of  the  day  so  that  the  facidty  can  get  the  fullest  enjoyment  out  of  the  tortured 
students — the  wildest  scramble  and  confusion  begins.  Everybody  wants  to  get  into  one  bus  or  is  complaining  to  high  heaven 
that  all  of  the  taxis  have  been  swallowed  up. 

After  the  inevitable  last  minute  dash,  you  are  in  the  coaches  and  find  seats,  sa\ed  by  dutiful  freshmen,  and  the  ride 
begins.     Most  of  the  students  are  in  their  prime  on  the  journey  with  its  bridge  games,  clinches  on  the  platform,  dirt  talk, 

bricks  in  suitcases,  wise  cracking,  etc. .     Some  get  supreme  enjoyment  in  walking  up  and  down  the  whole  length  of 

the  train — twenty  cars  at  times — seeing  how  many  they  can  say  "hello"  to.  Then  to  be  sure  there  is  the  meeting  of  "keen" 
hoys  and  girls  and  making  dates.  The  only  sensible  people  are  probably  a  bunch  of  Thetas  who  have  taken  po.ssession  of  the 
Miioking  room  and  refuse  to  mingle  with  the  plebians. 

A  week  or  so  afterwards,  we  ha\e  the  same  crowd  going  back,  doing  the  same  identical  things,  only  their  conversation 
is  slightly  different.  We  hear  about  all  of  the  drunken  brawls,  police  raids,  accidents,  cute  boys,  rundown  conditions, 
forgotten  term  papers,  and  clothes  which  the  poor  parents  have  been  induced  to  b\iy. 

In  short,  nothing  has  been  gained.  The  doting  folks  perhaps  catch  a  glimpse  of  their  children  on  the  run  and  are 
greatly  cheered  up,  but  much  energy  and  money  are  spent  and  learning  has  been  lost.  Very  little  time  is  spent  in  the  home 
circle,  students  become  exposed  to  new  dangers,  and,  not  least  important,  state  paid  profs  stand  idle.  We  earnestly  solicit 
the   I  niversity  of   Illinois'    assistance   in   curbing  this   great   evil — V^ACATIONS. 


The  SIREN 


CROSSED  WIRES 

" — anil  ilo  \oii  know  what  Jack  is  going  to  gi\i'  nii-  for 
Christmas?     A  handkerchief,  the  ilanincd — " 

" — lizard !  My  dear,  lizard  shoes  went  out  last  season. 
However,  Rill  is  going  to  give  me  a — " 

" — goose  by  all  means.  Turkey  is  out  and  chicken  is 
so  common.     I'm  going  to  serve  a — " 

" — mattress  for  the  baby  and  a  bridge  lamp  for  me,  1 
tolil  Jim,  would  be  enough  this  Christmas.  He's  always 
been  so  liberal  with  his — ' 

— "junk  all  over  the  basement!  1  have  to  wash  my  clothes 
down  there  and  even  sew — " 

" — my  wild  oats,  he  said  to  me,  but  you  never  can  be- 
lieve your  husband  especially  when  he's  an  iceman,  so  I  said, 
go  haul — " 

" — your  can  someplace  else,  so  I  can  get  some  work  done, 
I  told  him.  Harry  dug  worms  all  morning  and  put  them  in 
a  can  for  his  fishing  trip  and  when  he  put  it  on  my  table, 
I  could — " 

" — split  up  with  my  husband,  is  the  last  thing  I'd  do. 
Really,  my  dear,  husbands  do  come  in  handy  sometimes  and 
if  it's  only  for — " 

" — a  little  while  each  night.  My  eyes  hurt  so  when  I 
read  at  night  that  I  almost  quit  altogether.  I  read  a  mys- 
tery story  last  night,  and,  as  I  was  alone,  I  felt  the  fun- 
niest^ — " 

" — twitching  gall  stones,  you  know,  are  simply  terrible 
in  June,  especially  on  hot  days.  Last  year  I  had  an  awful 
attack — " 

" — from  the  rear,  her  dress  looks  simply  stunning,  but 
when  she  turns  around  and  shows  her — " 

" — twisted  chassis,  I  think  was  all  that  resulted  from  our 
accident.  Al  was  slightly  bruised  and  I  suffered  nothing 
more  than  a  shock  at — " 

" — seeing  him  in  his  underwear  at  all  hours  of  the  night, 
is  scandalous,  and  her  husband  has  been  dead  only  two 
weeks.  I  hear  that  her  alimony  is  hardly  enough  to  keep 
her  in — " 

" — brassieres,  I  noticed,  are  falling  off  this  year  since 
silhouette  dresses  are  the  vogue.  Marie  thinks  they  aren't 
necessary  for  any  kind  of  dress  since — " 

" — they  aren't  noticeable  anyhow,  because  I  hung  a 
tapestry  over  those  cracks  in  the  wall — " 

S 

"I  see  that  your  clock  is  named  Mystic?" 
"Yes,  it's  a  wonder  that  it  runs." 


ONCE  THERE  WAS 

A  I'l  I'lii  who  never  sold  subscriptions 

A    Ilieta  who  never  ha<l   a  hole   in   her  hose 

A  Kappa  who  didn't  wear  braids 

A  D.  G.  who  didn't  sing 

An  A.  D.  Pi  who  didn't  neck 

A  Chi  O  who  didn't  like  dogs 

An  A.  O.  Pi  who  didn't  act  vivacious 

A  Tri  r^elt  who  wasn't  in  the  stunt  show 

But   that  was   a   long   time   ago. 


A  beautiful  miss  from  Champaiyegnne, 
Was  walking  alone  in  the  raiyegnne. 

She  slipped  so  she  flopped. 

All  her  parcels  she  dropped. 
Boy!     The  language  she  used  was  profaiyegnne! 


-S- 


"Is  you  husband  an  even-tempered  man?" 

"Yes,  indeed,  he's  jes'  about  as  cross  one  day  as  another. 


.Vnotlur  (  hristmas   lullf 


Holiday  Number 


madame  X  says  — 


(^ 


Rumor  has  it  that  the  brethern  of 
Delta  Theta  Phi  are  slowly  recover- 
ing from  a  shock  received  when  one 
of  their  own  frosh.  Jack  Kellogg  by 
name,  hung  his  pledge  pin  on  Mary 
James,  a  Theta  U.  It  wasn't  the 
idea  of  the  pledge  button  changing 
places  that  broke  up  the  boys,  but  the 
fact  that  he  did  it  in  two  days  after 
being  pledged.  We  wait  with  fond 
expectations  the  news  that  Jack  has 
hung  his  Union  button. 


**The  above  bit  garners  two  tickets 
to  the  R.  K.  O.  Virginia  for  the 
donor.  They  will  be  found  reposing 
in  the  Siren  office. 

Six  Alpha  Chi  Rho  pins  mysteri- 
ously disappeared.  Copy-catting  the 
Phi  Tau  boys,  they  raided  the 
porter's  room,  and  raised  a  melee,  in 
\\  hich  ten  brains  and  four  fuse  plugs 
were  blown  out.  Result — no  pins, 
and  the  campus  lies  in  ambush  for 
the  thief,  l^nmindful  of  the  ensu- 
ing storm,  Pat  Russell  continues  to 
walk  the  streets  proudly  displaying 
six  Alpha  Chi  Rho  pins,  and  the 
Pifys  laugh   up  their  sleeves,   if  any. 

»   *-  *   * 

Louisan  Manier,  Women's  Editor 
of  our  Daily  Contemporary,  was  seen 
walking  down  the  street  with  three 
men  and  a  black  eye.  When  speak- 
ing to  moviephone  she  mentioned  that 
the  three  said  eggs  attempted  to  bum 
Chesterfields  from  her  and  on  dis- 
covering her  fondness  for  Luckies, 
soaked  her  one.  We  suggest  the  Hall 
of  Shame — for  Louisan  for  not  being 
accommodating. 


The  Junior  Prom  had  no  attrac- 
tions for  Ted  Wang.  At  first,  in 
his  anxiety  to  go  he  made  two  dates 
for  the  affair,  but  now  it  seems  that 
he  stayed  home  to  study  for  the  eve- 
ning. Oh  well,  misunderstandings 
will  happen,  even  to  Ted  Wang. 


Evidently  Isabel  Ciwinn  believes  in 
the  old  adage  "Be  kind  to  dumb 
animals."  Bill  Hudson  called  her 
one  night  and  asked  her  to  fix  up 
a  date  for  him.  Being  a  dutiful  child 
she  made  a  round  of  the  house  and 
reported  to  dear  Billy  that  only 
twelve  of  the  sistern  were  at  home 
but  were  all  busy.  After  a  choice  bit 
of  vocal  unprintable  tripe,  he  de- 
cided that  the  only  solution  would  be 
to  ask  Isabel  herself.  She  accepted, 
and  William  Hudson  wonders  what 
this  power  is  he  has  over  women. 


MADAME  X  WILL 
GIVE 

two  tickets  to 

The  R.  K.  O.  Virginia 

for  the   best   contribution   printed   on 
this  page  in  the  next  issue. 

Put  contributions  in  the  Siren  box 
under  the  steps  at  the  west  end  of 
Uni.  Hall  basement.  All  names  will 
be  kept  in  strict  secrecy. 


Which  reminds  us  that  Doc.  Rob- 
inson was  also  dateless  one  night  and 
being  sadly  in  need  of  one,  he  perused 
the  entire  Student  Directory  from 
page  one  to  however  many  there  are, 
looking  for  a  girl  by  her  first  name! 
We  hope  he  foimd  it.  because  dili- 
gence must  be  rewarded. 


Louis  McLean,  that  campus  dope, 
has  inaugurated  a  habit  of  calling 
everyone  he  meets,  Honev. 


r'ver  since  Virginia  Edcs,  the 
prude  and  joy  of  the  Chi  O  hovel  had 
her  pictures  taken,  business  has  in- 
creased 100  per  cent.  The  Hoyt 
Studios  (free  advertisement)  are  fea- 
turing her  face  on  their  billboards 
and  are  giving  her  pictures  away  as 
free  samples  to  enhance — I  mean  in- 
crease their  business. 


Lives  of  Great 


Etc. 


Xo  matter  how  long  we  live  or 
how  old  we  get,  our  dear  High 
School  Alma  Mater  always  haunts 
us.  For  proof  we  have  the  follow- 
ing article  taken  from  the  school 
paper  of  Soldan  at  St.  Louis. 


Former  Soldanite  Writes  to 
School 

Frank  Swann,  June  '30,  who  is 
now  attending  Illinois  University,  in 
a  letter  to  Principal  Stellwagen,  en- 
closed the  following  letter  to  the 
school : 
Dear  Soldanians: 

One  of  the  first  things  I  did  when 
I  came  to  the  University  of  Illinois 
this  fall  was  to  become  acquainted 
with  the  Dean  of  Men.  The  first 
question  he  asked  me  was,  "From 
what  high  school  were  you  gradu- 
ated?" When  I  replied  that  I  came 
from  Soldan,  he  paid  the  school  one 
of  the  highest  compliments  possible. 
He  said  that  Soldan  had  one  of  the 
finest  ratings  of  any  high  school  in 
the  United  States.  Soldan  students 
ha\e  gained  this  enviable  reputation 
by  their  ability  to  get  down  to  busi- 
ness and  study  HARD.  Athletics 
and  other  activities  are  very  import- 
ant in  life  of  a  student,  but  studies 
should  always  come  first.  Most  of 
us  fail  to  realize  this  until  after  we 
ha\e  been  graduated. 

The  students  of  the  past  have  won 
for  Soldan  a  nation-wide  reputation. 
It  is  our  duty  to  uphold  the  high 
standards  for  which  Soldan  is  noted. 
I  am  sure  that  we  are  all  proud  of 
our  school  and  that  we  want  to  make 
Soldan  proud  of  us.  Yours  for  con- 
tinued  success, 

Frank  Swann. 

Frank  is  just  a  pledge,  and  still 
subject  to  pledge  duties,  so  it  may  be 
that  the  Phi  Delta  are  still  after 
pLiblicity  and 


Lots  of  people  have  bad  habits  but 
the  worst  were  some  of  those  worn 
bv  co-eds  in  the  horse  show. 


The  SIREN 


(ail  .Mill  show    111 


soini'tliiiii;   Miii|)|),v  in  lU'slisee'.' 

S 


Curiosity  Kills  Another 

Little  Oscar,  the  precocious  child,  was  reading  tlie 
seventeenth  volume  of  Horatio  Alger,  which  has  not  so 
much  to  do  with  this  story,  except  that  he  would  never  have 
asked  the  question  which  makes  this  story  possible  had  he 
been  perusing  the  Rise  and  Fall  of  the  Roman  Mark.  But 
we  digress  .  .  .  little  Oscar,  always  on  the  lookout  for  in- 
formation, side-tracked  the  train  of  thought  of  his  imme- 
diate male  progenitor  with  the  following  query: 

"Pop,  what  is  a  'feebly'?" 

The  fond  and  doting  parent  responded  somewhat 
vaguely: 

"A  what?  A  'feebly?'  How's  it  used?  There's  no 
such  thing." 

"Well,"  little,  but  precocious  Oscar  continued,  "it  says 
here  that  Horatio  had  a  feebly  growing  down  on  his 
chin.  .  .  ." 


CLOSE  SHAVE 

Schwartz  was  a  good  old  duck.  Ever  since  his  wife 
eloped  with  the  salesman  from  Boston,  he  spent  his  spare 
time  devising  ways  to  make  dough  to  keep  him  in  weener- 
wurst.  "Barbering  is  a  good  profession,"  thinks  he,  "all  I 
need  is  a  nice  little  shop,  a  two  seater  will  be  plenty,  and 
I'll  make  enough  klotz  to  keep  me  in  haasundpfeffcr  till 
Emmy  gets  tired  of  her  compassionate  marriage."  So  he  up 
and  inaugurates  a  barber  shop. 

Schwartz  was  also  a  wise  old  duck.  Instead  of  hiring  an- 
other barber,  he  taught  his  pet  monkey,  Penelope,  the  tricks 
o1  the  barbering  trade.  So  while  Schwartz  soaped  and  shaved 
in  seat  number  one,  Penelope  hung  on  the  apron  and  lath- 
ered in  seat  number  two. 

However  came  a  day  when  Yukon  Bill  sat  himself  in 
Penelope's  chair,  spat  in  the  only  gabooii,  hung  his  six- 
shooter  on  the  chandelier,  and  yelled,  "Shave."  Penelope 
being  a  dutiful  monkey  hung  on  the  apron,  spat  in  the  shav- 
ing mug,  and  worked  up  a  beautiful  lather.  As  Yukon  Bill 
sat  and  dreamed  of  gold  dust  and  brass-railed  bars,  Pene- 
lope plied  the  brush.  Schwartz  eyed  him  with  admiration. 
But  Penelope  did  not  stop  here  as  was  his  usual  custom. 
Instead  of  waiting  for  Schwartz  to  shave  the  customer,  he 
stropped  the  razor,  applied  it  to  Yukon  Bill's  face,  and 
pulled.  Yukon,  awakened  out  of  the  midst  of  dreams  of 
foam  decked  steins  and  dancing  feet  on  tables,  jumped  out 
of  the  chair.  With  rage  in  his  heart  and  an  oath  on  his 
lips,  he  turned  to  Penelope  and  reached  for  his  shooting 
iron.  "You  can  put  on  the  apron,  lather  my  face,  and 
sharpen  the  razor,  but  when  it  comes  to  shaving,"  here  he 
pointed  to  Schwartz  and  hissed,  "your  old  man  can  do 
that." 

Schwartz  is  stuffing  sausages  these  days  for  a  living 
while  Penelope  stays  at  home  and  washes  dishes. 


"This   pie    is   on    me, 
custard  did  its  dutv. 


bovs." 


id    thi 


e    comeuian 


Soliloquizing  Sal  says:  He  said  he  was  a  iihreno'ogist 
but  he  wasn't.  Phrenologists  read  people  by  feeling  the 
curves  of  the  head. 


The  jury  leiulered  a  verdict  ot  "Not  (niilty. 

S 

Whim 

Oh    another    little    drink. 
And    another   little   smoke. 
The  wink  of  an  eye, 
A  sly  little  joke : 
The  touch  of  two  lips. 
And  the  curve  of  an  arm ; 
And  another  little  drink 
Woiddn't  do  us  an\-  harm! 


Now  that  the  Thanksgiving  holiday  is  fi\er  we  can 
again  get  back  to  our  normal  habits  of  going  to  Rustic, 
stud\ing,  dating,  necking,  and  so  forth. 


"It's   funny  it  never  entered  ni\    head   before,"   said   the 
racketeer  as  the  gangster's  bullet  drilled  his  cranium. 

S 

Times  are  so  hard  the  India  rubber  man  had  to  contract 
to  take  the  niiilgef's  place  in   the  side  show. 


Holiday  Number 


BEER  PARTIES? 

Beer  parties  are  VILE.  They 
make  me  stop  to  think.  Last  night, 
for  example,  I  learned  that  I  hate 
John;  that  I've  always  been  more  or 
less  intrigued  with  his  "style"  ;  that 
I  hui^g  my  sorority  pin  upon  his 
manly  bosom;  that  I'm  going  to  kill 
him  with  the  first  sledge  hammer  I 
see;  and  that  we're  going  to  be 
married  as  soon  as  his  position  for 
prom  chairman  goes  through. 

Beer  parties  are  STRANGE.  (So 
much  for  John) — but  there  is  Harry. 
Harry,  whose  favorite  pastime  is 
going  out  on  big  benders,  is  yet  a 
great  believer  in  the  double  standard. 
It's  all  still  rather  mysterious  to  me; 
but  it  seems  I've  somehow  gone 
against  the  staidness  of  some  of  his 
antique  principles. 

Beer  parties  are  SCREAMING- 
LY FUNNY.  They  told  me  this 
morning  I  did  a  pantomime  of  all 
four  of  the  Marx  brothers  making 
themselves  at  home  in  Helen  Kane's 
apartment ;  that  I  proved  the  theory 
of  evolution  by  climbing  the  chan- 
deliers; and  that  I  made  all  present 
feel  perfectly  at  home  by  my  win- 
ning interpretation  of  "scrambling 
like  an  egg." 

Gee  beer  parties  are  NICE.  Harry 
just  called  and  asked  me  to  drink 
beer  with  him  every  night  this  week. 
Sorry,  old  thing,  all  dated   vip! 


Some  Popular  Fallacies 

1.  That  all  co-eds  are  dumb. 

2.  That    everyone      i  ii      college 
drinks. 

3.     That    no    one    i  ii    college 
studies. 

4.  That   professors  know  every- 
thing. 

5.  That  professors  know  nothing. 

6.  That  all  collegiates  neck. 

7.  That    all    college    graduates 
should  earn  large  salaries. 

8.  That  Father  always  pays  for 
his  own  Christmas  present. 

9.  That     all     girls     are     gold- 
diggers. 

10.  That     no     men     are     gold- 
diggers. 

11.  That   smart   people   must   be 
homely,  and  good-looking  ones  stupid. 

12.  That  all  freshmen  are  green. 

13.  That  no  seniors  are  green. 

14.  That  it's  easy  to  write   this 
stuff. 


Santa  Brings  a  Perfect  School 

To    the    Fiinilty 

New  buildings. 

"A"  students. 

No  extra-curricidar  activities. 

No  cuts. 

No  papers  written  in  long-hand. 

Tripled   salaries. 

To  the  Students 

No  professors. 

No  grades,  no  exams. 

No  classes. 

Cars. 

No  politics. 

Beautiful  co-eds. 

Handsome  men. 

No  crooks. 

No  rides. 


-S- 


I nteUi(/ciice  Test 

"If  you  saw  a  beautiful  little  bru- 
nette walking  down  the  street  in 
Champaign,  late  at  night,  what 
woidd  it  prove?" 

"That  vou  had  drunk  too  much." 


CHRISTMAS  VACATION 

As  It  Is  Supposed  to  Be: 

A  time  of  rest,  quiet,  and  repose, 
spent  with  members  of  your  family, 
in  eating,  sleeping,  and  rejoicing  at 
tile  presents  you  received — a  vacation 
which  ends  with  much  reluctance  on 
\our  part  as  you  drag  yourself  back 

to  school 

As  It  Really  Is: 

A  hectic  period  of  shove  and  bustle, 
pull  and  tussle,  for  the  most  part 
spent  with  people  and  in  places  that 
bore  you — merely  because  it  is  the 
thing  to  do — a  chaotic  era  of  bolted 
food,  ginful  nights,  head-aching  days, 
filled  with  crabbing  about  the  dirty 
deal  in  the  Christmas  present  racket 
you  received  ...  a  period  which 
mercifully  ends  when  you  drop  in  the 
house  to  pick  up  the  grip,  kiss  the 
•  Mater  good-bye,  and  return  to  the 
quiet  haven  of  the  campus. 


The  difference  between  an  angel 
and  a  devil  is  this:  an  angel  has 
wings  so  that  it  can  get  some  place  ; 
a  devil  has  horns  to  show  that  he  has 
gotten  some  place. 


'You  too?" 


10 


The  SIREN 


/  Interview  Santa  Claus 


By  I.  Gadfly 


"So,"  saiil  Santa  Claus,  prccninj;  his  whiskers  a  little 
and  lookiiiji  important,"  "you'\i'  conif  from  the  Sinn  and 
want  an  interview." 

"Yes  sir,"  I  replied  respectfully;  "'s  about  time  we  inter- 
viewed you  again.  Our  readers  expect  something  of  the 
sort." 

Well,  I'm  just  starting  for  Champaign-Urbana  with  a 
load  of  stuff  at  this  moment.  Suppose  \ou  go  along,  and 
we'll  talk  on  the  way." 

I  followed  his  suggestion  and  climbed  into  his  big,  over- 
sized truck.  We  sped  along  at  an  inconceivably  fast  clip, 
with  Santa,  in  the  jolliest  of  moods,  at  the  wheel.  He  sang 
lustily,  stopping  now  and  then  to  point  out  polar  bears  and 
reindeer  for  my  benefit. 

"This  is  a  pretty  fair  old  buggy,"  he  remarked,  turning 
to  me;  "but  have  you  ridden  in  a  Greyhound  bus  lately?" 

"No!"  I  answered  savagely,  "not  since  the  Army  game." 

Santa  cast  a  surprised  look  my  way  but  said  nothing 
more  on  that.  Instead  he  swung  back  his  arm  and  pointed 
to  a  large  gunny  sack  near  nie. 

"There's  something  for  the  Sinn  this  Christmas;  open 
'er  up  and  see  how-  you  like  the  gift." 

Obediently  I  leaned  over  and  reached  into  the  bag  and 
pulled  out  a  sheaf  of  papers  which  were  covered  with  jokes. 
I  read  a  few. 

"But  these  are  all  old  jokes,"  I  complained,  before  I 
thought  how  it  sounded. 

"Well,"  said  Santa,  "I'm  only  Santa  Claus,  not  a 
miracle  worker.  Anyway,  I  thought  these  are  what  you 
use."  He  smiled  to  himself  somewhat  equivocally,  and  I 
pretended  not  to  notice. 

"What  do  you  think  about  Christmas  conditions?"  I 
ventured  to  ask,  beginning  my  series  of  reportorial  inter- 
roga  stories. 

"I  think  that  business  is  fimdamentally  sound,"  Santa 
began  mechanically. 

"Oh,  so  you're  a  Republican!"  I  interrupted  him  to 
exclaim. 

"I'd  rather  not  discuss  politics,  if  you  please,  Mr.  Re- 
porter," Santa  told  me  in  a  cool  and  formal  manner  unlike 
his  original  amiableness. 

"What  do  you  think  of  necking?"  I  next  inquired. 
Santa  let  on  as  if  he  hadn't  heard,  and  I  repeated  my 
(|uestioii.  "Do  you  think  that  necking  is  deleterious  to  the 
morals  of  college  folk?" 

Santa  squirmed  about  and  appeared  obviously  ill  at  ease. 
He  blew  his  nose  sonorously  and  hesitated. 

"I  was  young  myself  once,"  he  finally  began,  temporiz- 
ing, "but  in  my  day " 


"Tell  me,"  I  demaniled,  dcrcrniined  to  pin  him  down, 
"when  you  took  a  girl  home  did  you  always  feel  satisfied 
to  subtimatc  your  amorous  longings  on  the  high  plane  of  boii 
motsf  After  a  spell  of  brilliant  persiflage,  after  exercising 
the  intellect  and  rationalizing  the  universe  in  the  dark  of 
some  sorority  front  porch  with  no  one  to  watch  the  tw^o 
of  you,  did  you  never  feel  as  if  there  was  something  lacking 
to  make  the  evening  complete?  Did  you  know  a  girl  more 
.inimal  than  intellectual?  Rather,  I  might  better  say,  did 
you  ever  know  a  girl  other  than  that?    What  did  you  do?" 

Santa  was  more  visibly  disturbed.  He  stopped  the  car 
and  began  to  search  his  pockets  feverishly. 

"Here,"  I  said,  handing  him  a  Murad  which  he  lit 
with  a  nonchalant  relish.  "Now,"  I  continued,  "I  can  see 
you  haven't  been  the  dotard  you'd  have  us  believe.  What 
did  you  do?  Wasn't  it  unbecoming  in  public?  Why  did 
you  do  it?     Was  it  immoral?" 

Santa  was  .smiling  sheepishly,  almost  roguishly.  He 
nudged  me  playfully  in  the  ribs. 

"Let's  not  talk  about  girls,"  he  requested,  "I  gotta  keep 
my  mind  on  my  work  tonight." 

With  t\\  o  of  my  more  important  questions  thus  answered, 
I  sat  back  to  enjoy  the  ride  for  a  while.  Santa  glanced  at 
the  packages  in  the  rear  of  the  truck  and  then  suddenly 
stopped  the  car.  He  scrambled  back  into  the  other  end  of 
the  van  and  grabbed  up  several  long,  cylindrical  bundles 
which  he  hurled  from  the  truck  with  no  little  asperity. 

"I  told  those  shipping  men  not  to  put  these  things  on," 
he  muttered  in  a  temper.  "Honestly,  they've  got  no  more 
sense  of  responsibility  than  a  bunch  of  Alpha  Delta  Phis." 

"What  are  you  throwing  ofl?"  I  asked. 

"Window  blinds!  Window  blinds,  for  the  Z.  T.  A's. 
I  bring  them  a  set  every  year,  but  they  never  use  them. 
I'm  getting  fed  up  on  them." 

While  the  truck  was  halted,  I  observed  .some  of  the 
boxes  and  packages.  Fitted  out  in  a  piano  box,  under  study 
lamps,  I  noticed  two  anaemic-looking  young  men  deeply 
engrossed  in  the  pages  of  some  formidable  volumes  of  re- 
condite philosophy. 

"What,"  cried  I  in  astonishment,"  is  the  destination  of 
these?" 

"Why  they're  a  couple  of  Phi  Eta  Signias  I'm  bringing 
the  Betas  for  Spring  pledging,"  Santa  explained  logically 
enough. 

"By  the  way,"  I  took  occasion  here  to  ask,  "that  reminds 
me,  do  the  Chi  O's  believe  in  you?" 

"Why  not?"  Santa  asked  in  return,  "they've  got  Jean 
.Macdonald,  haven't  they?" 

I  peeped  through  the  wrappings  of  a  book,  "Why  We 


Holiday  Niimhi 


".lust   ht'(:iiis<'  .vmi'ie  mj    old  man  is  no  sii;n   I   don't 
an.vthinii    lor  Christmas." 


Behave  Like  Human  Beings,"  destined,  according  to  the 
card,  for  the  Thetas.  Marveling  at  the  inappropriateness 
of  the  present,  I  held  it  up  for  Santa  to  see. 

"Yep,  for  the  Thetas,"  he  said.  "I  figured  they  might 
just  as  well  find  out  what  makes  the  rest  of  us  human ; 
maybe  they'll  be  more  charitable  with  us  ordinary  mortals 
hereafter." 

Before  we  started  on  oar  way  again,  Santa  showed  me 
a  multitude  of  intended  gifts.  I  saw  a  cunning  set  of 
smiling  false  faces  and  some  tins  of  ointment  (to  be  applied 
to  itchnig  palms)  for  the  Chi  Phi  politicians;  three  cases 
of  Orange  Crush  for  Gamma  Eta  Gamma ;  several  back- 
gammon outfits  for  Newman  Hall  to  be  used  in  absorbing 
the  reaction  to  excessive  bridge  playing ;  and  for  the  Pi  Phis 
I  saw  a  beautifully  engraved  scroll  informing  all  concerned 
that  every  Pi  Phi,  by  the  time  she  attains  Senior  standing, 
has  been  (or  should  have  been)  engaged  to  be  married  on 
an  average  of  2'i/i,  times.  The  Davenport  House  rated  a 
radio. 

"There  are  times  when  even  a  Da\enport  House  girl 
prefers  to  take  things  easily  and  to  entertain  her  date  with 
a  radio  program,"  Santa  remarked  understandingly. 

We  drove  on  again.  Santa  Claus  told  me  a  lot  not  for 
publication.  He  was  in  the  middle  of  an  excellent  disserta- 
tion about  the  Smoot-Hawley  tariff  when  I  fell  asleep. 
Several  hours  later  he  awoke  me  and  deposited  me  in  front 
of  the  Illinois  Union  Building.  Yawning  like  a  Beta  Psi 
at  an  8  o'clock  in  the  Transportation  Building,  I  shouldered 


the  gunny  sack  of  jokes  for  the  Siren  (at  Santa's  request, 
to  save  him  the  trouble  of  delivery),  thanked  my  jolly 
friend  for  his  kindnesses,  and  plodded  down  to  the  office 
to  write-up  my  precious  interview. 


-S- 


Scene :     Dentists'  oflice. 

Characters:     Mother  and  young  son. 

Setting:     Both  of  them. 

"Mama,  what  is  that  case  of  fuiuiy  looking  things? 

"Hush,  my  darling,  those  are  teeth." 

"Why  are  they  lying  around  instead  of  somebody  using 
them?" 

"They  are  false  teeth  for  people  to  look  at." 

"Gee,  mom,  I  like  those  shiny  ones  on  the  bottom,  I'd 
like  to  have  some  like  that." 

"Hush,  child,  how  often  have  I  told  you,  ne\er  to  pick 
your  teeth   in   public?" 


— S- 


Waiter:  "What  seems  to  be  the  trouble,  sir;  isn't  the 
meat  good  ?" 

Struggling  Patron:  "Well,  I'll  tell  you.  I've  played 
football,  raced  horses,  and  hunted  hyenas,  but  this  is  the 
first  time  I've  ever  been  a  bull-fighter." 


Alfafi :  "There's  something  the  matter  with  my 
stomach." 

A.  K.  L. :  "That's  not  so  bad;  just  keep  it  covered  up 
and  nobody  will  notice  it." 


It's  about  time  the  varsity  began  knocking  the  spots  off 
the   freshmen. 


Absent-minded  Football  Coach:  "Hello!  Operator? 
Give  me  Center  2171." 

Operator:     "The  line  is  busy." 

Coach:  "Let's  have  around  end  286  then,  and  see  that 
the  backfield  gets  busy  too." 


A  man  set  on  a  box  car  trailing  his  feet  on  the  tracks. 

— Longfelloiv. 


-S- 


"We    are    now    passing    h\    Berlin's     largest     brewery," 
hollers  the  guide. 

"We  are  not,"  retorts  two  loyal  Illini  and  jump  off. 


The  SIREN  I 


^^'iOLDo^fyWf/\f 


'Have   .voii    yol    ,miui-   rianiifls  on,   I*; 


-S- 


Christmas  Figures 

1.  Ill  spiti-  of  all  the  jokes  on  the  subject,  l,746,3.v-> 
men  will  receive  as  many  atrocious  color  combinations  in 
ties  as  ever  from  doting  females. 

2.  Everyone  will  forget  Father  until  the  last  minute, 
with  the  result  that  he  receives  six  shirts,  four  ties,  three 
handkerchiefs,  all  charged  to  his  account. 

.V  It  will  be  agreed  that  on  account  of  the  depression, 
you  do  not  give  presents  this  year — but  you  will  be  very 
much  embarrassed  if  you  take  the  agreement  seriously. 

4.  Co-eds  will  protest  that  you  really  shouldn't  give 
them  anything.  They're  right,  you  shoiddn't — but  may  the 
gods  protect  you  if  you  don't! 

5.      Men  will  tell   co-eds  they  really  expect  nothing  .   .   . 
and  they  will  get  it. 

6.  Stores  will  ha\e  an  unprecedented  rush  of  exchange 
business  on   December  26. 

7.  Xo  one  will  return  to  school  admitting  that  he  had 
a  quiet  vacation. 

8.  Hets  as  to  who  consumed  the  most  liquor  will  pro- 
duce some  niar\elous  feats  of  imagination. 

'*.  Large  numbers  of  fraternity  pins  w\\\  be  trans- 
planted. 

Id.    .All   these  things  will   be  repeated  next  year. 


Letter  Di'pattmcnt  • 

Di:  \K  S.\\T.\  Cl.-m  s: 

I  )o  \()u  suppose  there  be  some  place  a  man  for  me?  A 
nian  who  doesn't  dare  to  think  he  could  drive  most  girls  to 
drink;  who  doesn't  tell  his  golfing  .score,  who  never,  never 
is  a  bore  ?  A  man  who'd  cau.se  a  female's  sighs,  and  yet  be 
\ery,  very  wise;  a  m.in  who  never  told  of  how  much  liquor 
he  could  hold  ;  a  m.in  who  never  thought  his  love  would 
startle  all  the  gods  above;  a  man  whose  sayings  were  not 
trite,  a  man  whose  manners  were  just  right;  a  man  who.se 
dancing  was  divine:  a  man  who  some  day  might  be  mine. 
For  sending  me  this  paragon,  so  witty,  rare,  and  true. 
.Most  truly  and  sincerely,  Fd  thank  you. 

Ima  Cynic. 


Dhar  Santa  Ci.aus: 

Do  \ou  suppose  there  be  some  place  a  femme  for  me, 
who  could  do  something  more  than  simper,  who  was  not  a 
chronic  primper;  a  woman  beautiful  and  rather  wise,  yet  one 
who  does  not  roll  her  eyes!  Who  does  not  brag  of  other 
men,  with  details  how  and  why  and  when.  Who  does  not 
think  that  the  reason  you  rate  is  determined  by  the  number 
of  dates.  Who  doesn't  call  you  "dear  sweet  boy,"  who  can 
act  her  age  and  not  be  coy.  Who  would  not  trifle  with  my 
afifections,  who  could  not  doubt  my  good  intentions.  Who 
would  not  rumple  up  my  hair,  who  did  not  pick  weird 
clothes  to  wear ;  who  carried  her  own  when  she  wanted 
to  smoke,  who  wouldn't  care  if  I  were  broke;  whose  dancing 
was  less  of  a  struggle  and  more  of  an  art,  who  to  me  some 
day  would  lose  her  heart.  Who  would  not  care  if  I  had 
wealth  or  fame  but  who  would  be  satisfied  with  just  my 
name.  If  you  could  find  such  a  woman,  who'd  neck  only 
me — 

I'd  much  more  than  thankful  be! 

I.  M.  Disgusted. 


Lesson 

"Oh,  why  are  you  puzzled,  my  pretty  co-ed  ?" 
"Now  what  shall  I  do  to  keep  thin?" 
"(^h,  I  know  the  answer,  my  sweet  co-ed," 
"Drink  wine,  old  bourbon,  and  gin!" 

"Then  tell  me,  kind  sir,  how  I  may  gain  weight. 
(Now  whaddya  knov.-  about  that!) 
"Drink  beer,  my  happy  co-ed,  drink  beer, 
"And  I'll  \\'arrant  vou  soon  will  be  fat!" 


'You  sav  voiu'  wife  is  still  as  beautiful  as  when  vou  met 


"Yes,  but  she  needs  a  lot  more  time." 


Holiday  Number 


Helpful  Column  Conducted  for 

I     the  Benefit  of  Erring  Frosh 
By  Carrie.  A.  Parashoot 

"If  she  can't  solve  your  love- 
problem,  nobody  can't!" 

Carrie  Parashott: 

Beeg  Beta  luff  native  gal,  then 
leave  me  weep  mooch  all  lone.  He 
say  he  come  back,  get  native  gal,  take 
her  America ;  show  her  beeg  frat 
house.  He  no  come  again ;  white  gal 
capture  beeg  Beta.  Native  gal  catch 
white  gal,  she  keel  her  queek ! 

Yoo-Hoola,  native  gal. 

Dear  Yoo-Hoola: 

Let  me  hasten  to  assure  you  that 
your  Beta  is  not  the  victim  of  a  white 
girl  like  you  suggested,  but,  alas!  of 
all  kinds  of  girls!  Worry  no  longer, 
little  Yoo-Hoola,  you're  young  and 
can  forget.  For  your  sake,  however, 
I'll  see  that  he  has  a  swell  funeral. 
I'll  write  and  tell  you  all  about  it 
soon. 

Lovingly, 

Carrie  A.  Parashoot. 


Dear  IVIiss  Carriage: 

I  are  freshman  in  retorick  "O"  and 
ani  been  there  the  last  three  semes- 
teis.     What  to  does? 

Sorrow-eyed. 
Dear  Sorrow-eyed  : 

Write  the  Siren,  of  course;  and 
your  style  will  improve  so  rapidly 
that  within  two  weeks  you'll  be  cor- 
recting your  instructor,  and  in  eleven 
months,  the  English  faculty  will  be 
pleading  with  you  on  bended  knee 
to  join  their  ranks. 

Sincerely, 
Carrie. 


Dear  Carrie  A. : 

I  belong  to  the  Mu  Pu  Whew 
fraternity.  I'm  puzzled.  My  Theta 
;  gives  me  no  encouragement,  but  I  be- 
lieve she  will  accept  my  pin  if  I  can 
only  get  her  tight.  How  should  I 
proceed  ?  Expectant. 

Dear  Expectant: 

Put  an  aspirin  in  her  coke  when 
she  isn't  looking;  then,  if  you  get  no 
response,  flick  your  cigarette  ash  into 
same  beverage  while  you  pour  burn- 
ing love  words  into  her  ears.  Being 
i  a  Theta,  she  will  immediately  be- 
come flustered  and  will  drink  her 
coke  absent-mindedly.  You  will  then 
hang  your  pin,  and  being  pie-eyed, 
she'll  be  wild  with  enthusiasm. 
Happy  days  to  you ! 

Miss  Parashoot. 


Keep  It  Dark 

Darkness  settled  down  in  the  audi- 
torium of  the  magnificent  new  plane- 
tarium. The  stars,  like  little  spark- 
ling diamonds  twinkled  in  the  arti- 
ficial sky.  The  moon  came  up, 
crossed  the  sky  amid  the  oh's  and 
ah's  of  a  thrilled  audience,  and  was 
on  the  verge  of  disappearing  below 
the  horizon,  when : 

In  the  back  of  the  hall  a  fellow, 
who  was  with  his  sweetheart  broke 
out  thusly, 

"Aw  mister,  won't  you  leave  the 
moon  out  for  awhile?" 

How  to  Be  a  Gentleman 

Never  do  anything  to  a  co-ed  that 
your  father  hasn't  done  to  your 
mother.  — Chicago  Phoenix. 


If  the  .Advertisements  Lied 

Awakened  at  10  a.  m.  by  falling 
shingles — damn  that  Johns-Manville 
refroofing  job — Baby  Ben  failed 
again — puts  on  slippers  and  slides  into 
the  wall — Goodyear  Rubber  heels — 
room  cold — the  Iron  Fireman  stuck 
again — walks  into  bathroom — notes 
that  the  inlaid  Congoleum  has 
cracked  —  drops  tumbler  on  the 
Standard  bathtub — cracks  the  pore- 
lain — turns  on  Crane  faucet — breaks 
it  off — no  hot  water — automatic 
Rudd  Heater  forget  to  turn  on — de- 
cides to  shave  in  cold  water — cuts 
face  with  new  Safety  Gillette — Aqua 
Velva  fails  to  stop  flow  of  blood — 
blood  stains  new  stainless  Twinplex 
Stropper — breaks  an  unbreakable  Ace 
comb  in  two — puts  Stacomb  on  hair 
— hair  still  stands  on  end — tries  Trim 
with  same  results — brushes  teeth  with 
Colgate's  Ribbon  Dental  Cream  that 
lies  flat  on  the  brush — tooth  film  not 
removed — rinses  mouth  with  List- 
erine — morning  mouth  still  present — 
Absorbine  Jr.  applied  to  rid  self  of 
dread  Athlete's  Foot — Athlete's  foot 
still  present — Faultless  No-belt  pa- 
jamas slip — gets  angry — puts  on  Wil- 
son non-rip  underwear — puts  on 
Manhattan  underwear  after  ripping 
Wilson's — Wrinkles  Arrow  Collar 
pulled  out  of  drawer — thrown  back 
— wrinkled — paris  Garters  pinch  legs 
— Hickock  Belt  breaks — replaced  by 
suspenders — Cheney  Cravat  tied  up 
— looks  like  Hell — wrinkled  and  old 
style — puts  on  Learbury  Suit — re- 
placed with  another  that  looks  just  as 
bad — reaches  for  a  Lucky — decides  to 
graduate — takes  Camel  instead — not 
toasted — throws  it  away — tries  Old 
Gold — coughs  for  five  minute.s — tries 
a  life  saver  —  coughs  five  more 
minutes — tries  Luden's  cough  drops 
— coughs  for  half  an  hour — tries 
Vic's  Vaporub  on  chest — coughs  for 
a  week  and  dies. 


As  he  stepped  off  of  the  train  in 
London,  he  was  cordially  greeted  by 
his  friends  who  were  glad  to  see  him 
with  them. 

"Welcome  into  our  mists,"   lisped 


Peckem:  "You  are  not  married 
yet,  are  you?" 

Youngbach:  "No,  but  I'm  en- 
gaged and  that's  as  good  as  being 
married." 

Peckem:  "It's  a  whole  lot  better 
if  you  only  knew  it." 

— XL  of  Iowa  Frivol. 


14 


The  SIREN 


"IJiisy?" 

"No.     Vini  hii^v-r 


■•\>ell.  I.fs  no  III  .hiss." 


A  SAD  STORY 

Oswalil  joiics  was  one  of  those  fellows  who  didn't  seem 
to  count.  He  was  a  quiet  fellow  who  attended  to  his  own 
bvisiness,  and  so  nobody  seemed  to  notice  him.  This  troubled 
him  and  to  correct  the  situation  he  thought  he  would  leave 
for  college.  That  was  the  trouble,  he  was  around  too 
much.  If  he  left  he  would  be  missed,  and  then  the  fellows 
would  take  more  interest  in  him.  So  he  packed  his  bags 
and  left  for  the  state  university.  The  Christmas  holidays 
arrived  and  Oswaqld  went  home.  As  he  walked  home  from 
the  railroad  station  with  his  bags,  he  met  an  old  acquaint- 
ance. 

"Why  hello!"  exclaimed  Oswald. 

"Oh.  hello  Oswald,"  said  the  fiiend  glancing  at  the 
bags.     "Going  somewhere?" 


Now  is  the  time  of  the  year  for  all  good  men  to  get  the 
significance  of  breaking  up  with  the  girl  (or  friends). 


Techniques 
A  whisper,  a  sigh,  a  pica,  and  a  lie; 
.Men — they  are  crafty  with  guiles; 
But  a  weeping  of  tears,  and  a  shrinking  from  fears, 
These,  yea,  are  feminine  wiles ; 
Hut  get  you  together  a  man  and  a  maid. 
Who  of  their  convictions  are  unafraid ; 
And  twixt  sighs  and  lies  and  smiles  and  wiles. 
There's  narv  a  one  who  is  calm  and  is  staid ! 


Progress 

7:30 — You're  looking  beautiful  tonight." 
9:30 — "Your  hand  is  so  nice  and  soft." 

11:30— "What  adorable  lips!" 

12:.30— ?? 


Brother:     "What  a  figure!" 
.'\lum:     "She  sure  costs  me  plenty!" 
Third  Kappa  Sig:     "She  looks  fast." 
First  Drunk:     "Say,  is  she!" 
Another:     "What  a  horse!" 


I 


Guest:  "Waiter,  where  is  the  cheese  in  this  spaghetti 
and  cheese?" 

Waiter  (indicating  lengthy  string)  :  "It's  under  that 
strip." 


Our  idea  of  the  world's  most  unfortunate  man  is  the 
one  who  was  born  with  a  silver  spoon  in  his  mouth,  and 
immediately  acquired   lockjaw. 


There  may  be  two  sides  to  every  question,  but  you  can't 
very  well  wear  vour  vest  inside  out. 


Then  there  is  the  absent  minded  man  who  poured  alcohol 
in  his  radiator  and  drank  a  glass  of  water. 

S 


Lives  of  great  men  all  remind  us 
As  we  pass  along  the  way. 
That  it's  best  to  wind  our  watches 
Just  before  we  hit  the  hay. 

S 


Some   men   are   born   whh   wealth   and    then   others  just 
inherit  it. 


Now  that  the  twelve  weeks  e.xams  are  over,  and  every- 
body is  happy  (hello.  Ted  Lewis!)  we  may  cheerfully  look 
forward  to  bigger  things,  sometimes  called  finals.  Well, 
maybe  I  shouldn't  have  mentioned  it. 


"Can  you  float?" 

"A  loan?" 

"Of  course,  silly,  whoever  heard  of  floating  in  pairs." 


Holiday  Number 


15 


GEE,  BRIDGE  IS  FUNNY! 

Gee,  bridge  is  funny.  Just  last  night  I  sat  down  with 
some  of  the  boys  to  have  a  friendly  little  game — and  this 
morning  when  I  picked  myself  up  off  the  floor,  I  discovered 
my  right  eye  didn't  work;  my  collar  bone  wasn't  worth  a 
damn,  and  the  doctor  said  there  was  a  crack  in  my  head 
which  looked  as  though  a  weapon  similar  to  a  sharp  axe  had 
come  into  contact  with  my  cranium. 

Many's  the  time  I've  lost  all  my  clothes  in  poker,  and 
my  cash  in  "hearts";  but  this  is  the  first  time  I  ever  lost 
my  mind.  It  seems  so  strange  without  it,  too;  maybe  that's 
because  I  kind  of  got  dependent  upon  it  after  having  it 
about  twenty  years. 

"Just  what,"  asked  the  doc,  "did  you  do  to  deserve  all 
this?" 

"Ha!"  I  cried,  "What  self-respecting  person  woidd 
tolerate  being  called  absurd  and  degrading  names!  " 

"None,  of  course,"  replied  doc,  "Only — tell  me,"  he 
queried,  "what  insulting  names  did  they  call  you?" 

"Can  you  imagine  it — a  DUMMY!"  I  replied,  and 
went  on  to  explain,  "At  first  I  tried  to  overlook  it  in  them, 
considering  the  fact  they  were  actives  and  I  am  a  pledge — 
but  after  the  tenth  offense,  something  primitive  and  brutal 
in  me  welled  up  inside  like  a  vast  surging  of  emotion,  I 
rose,  threw  down  my  hand,  and  went  at  them  like  a  veritable 
lion  of  strength,  determined  at  all  costs  to  defend  my  self- 
respect." 

"Ah  I'  said  the  doctor,  "Come  with  me!  We  have 
the  ru'cest  place  for  you  to  live  in.  It  has  the  softest  walls 
— all  quiet  and  sound-proof.  It's  the  nicest  hotel,  and  it 
won't  cost  you  a  cent  I" 

"It  won't  cost  anything?"  said  I  smartly,  "I'll  go!" 

Well,  here  I  am  in  my  cozy  little  room  with  the  nice 
soft  walls  like  the  doc  promised.  There  are  such  interesting 
guests  here.  You  never  know  what  they're  going  to  do  next. 
There's  only  one  rule  here;  but  I  can't  understand  why  they 
have  it.  It  is  that  under  NO  circumstances  must  any  guest 
of  the  hotel  play  bridge.  Last  night,  however,  we  got  up  a 
private  little  game.  When  I  picked  myself  up  off  the  floor 
this  morning,  I  guess  I  must  have  recovered  the  use  of  my 
mind — because  as  I  walked  out  the  door  of  the  hotel,  I  was 
somewhat  disappointed  to  read  the  following  sign : 

"Home  for  Mentally  Deficient  Bridge  Victims." 


I'm  back  in  the  fraternity  house  again.  Last  night  we 
sat  down  to  a  friendly  little  game  of  bridge.  Today,  the 
coffin-maker  came  and  took  the  measurements  of  three 
freshmen  who  got  insulted   because   1   told   them   they  were 


the  "dummy." 


-S- 


The  Phi  Taus  Are  Such  Bright  Boys 

The  Phi  Taus  had  a  porter — as  you  can  see  by  that,  they 
nuist  be  one  of  the  wealthier  fraternities.  Nevertheless  they 
had  a  porter,  and  they  loved  him  dearly.  For  several  years 
the  boys  had  been  discovering  every  now  and  then  that  some- 
thing of  theirs  was  missing,  but  they  were  good-natured, 
broad-minded,  etc.,  and  thought  nothing  of  it.  Of  course 
they  noticed  the  porter  walking  out  of  the  house  at  different 
times,  with  several  small  articles  under  his  arm,  such  as 
mahogany  end  tables,  portable  victrolas,  and  typewriters  but 
they  thought  it  was  just  one  of  his  little  pranks.  Towels 
and  blankets  disappeared  mysteriously,  too,  but  as  the  boys 
had  very  little  use  for  these,  they  just  passed  it  off  lightly. 
But  then  came  the  awakening — one  night  one  of  the 
brothers  discovered  that  his  favorite  copy  of  the  Police 
(jazette  was  gone,  and  he,  being  an  intelligent  fellow, 
snielled  a  rat.  Being  brave  fellows  a  band  of  about  twelve 
of  them  gathered  together,  and  manfully  strode  over  to  the 
porter's  house,  and  apprehended  the  fiend  in  his  lair.  On 
seeing  these  stalwart  lads  in  a  righteous  fury,  the  porter 
quailed  (or  in  the  vulgate,  gave  them  the  bird)  and  forth- 
went  down  to  the  police  station  and  ga\e  himself  up.  The 
Phi  Taus  lifid  a  porter. 


-S- 


First   hot    number:      "What   do   you    think   of    Bill    as   a 
an  ?  " 
Second  hot  number:     "Oh  he  makes  me  huigh." 
First  hot  number:     "Yes  he  tickles  me  too." 


Cook-book   catchwords:      "Don't    fry   'till   you   see   the 
whites  of  the  eggs."  — Washington  University  Dirge. 

S 


"How  did  you  get  to  know  Tom?" 
"Oh,  it  was  all  so  romantic — he  shot  my  husband  while 
we  were  out  hunting — just  like  they  do  in  the  movies." 


'I   don't   liiiovv  uhetliei-  to  l>u.v  the  kid  a  new 
ear  this  ye-.w.  or  not." 


16 


The  SIREN 


A  STUDY  IN  WAISTS  AND  MEASURES 

Before  I  came  to  college,  my  mother  warned  me  about 
food.  "Daughter,"  she  said,  "Never  cat  more  than  you 
need." 

Often,  during  m\'  freshman  year,  1  puzzled  over  this 
term,  and  decided  that  want  was  synonymous  with  need. 
I  had  brownie  ala  modes,  and  chocolate  milk  shakes  three 
times  a  day  while  I  \\-as  a  pledge.  When  it  c.inic  initiation 
time,  some  of  the  girls  suggested  the\'  might  put  me  througli 
the  ritual  twice  because  I  was  just  one  size  of  my  self  too 
large. 

Chocolate  cream  pie  and  heavy  malts  were  the  mainsta\' 
of  my  sophomore  year.  I  iidaunted  by  slithering  remarks, 
1  continued  to  enjoy  life  in  a  pleasant  Gargantuan  manner, 
(^iie  thing  I  noted  that  puzzled  me  was  a  noticeable  decline 
ill  the  number  and  intensity  of  my  dates.     My  boy-friends 

started  to  sing  me  the  song  about  "Kathareena "  and 

the  chorus  burned  in  my  cars  for  days.  You  know  how  it 
goes: 

"There's  so  much  of  you. 
Two  could  love  you!" 

My  junior  year,  I  concentrated  on  French  pastry  and 
double  whipped  cream  delights.  People  by  this  time  had 
learned  I  was  of  a  deep,  sensitive  nature  regarding  my  state 
of  avoirdupois,  and  never  wittingly  broached  the  subject. 
I  sat  at  home  every  Friday  and  Saturday  night  now ;  be- 
cause one  time  when  dancing,  I  accidentally  slipped  and  fell 
on  my  date.  There  was  quite  a  scandal  on  campus  next  day 
when  his  twisted  torso  was  recovered  from  the  debris. 

My  senior  year  I  found  my  dream  idol.  He's  a  cun- 
ning five-fect-two,  and  reminds  me  so  much  of  my  little 
brother;  but  he's  so  devoted.  I'm  five  feet  nine  and  weigh 
three-hundred  and  se\'enty-five  at  present ;  but  I  know  we're 
ideally  matched!  Honey's  very  cold-blooded,  and  suffers 
from  anaemia.  He  says  he's  always  dreamed  of  the  time 
when  he  could  snuggle  up  against  a  nice  comfortable  wife. 
But  isn't  that  just  like  a  man — comparing  his  dream-girl 
to  the  ine\itablc  furnace  or  sto\e  pipe? 

I'm  now  married  to  Honey,  the  brute,  and  he  mistreats 
me  vilely.  He  beats  me  constantly.  I  think  he's  taken  to 
drink.  The  other  night,  for  example,  when  he  came  home 
late,  there  wasn't  any  dinner  left  because  I  got  hungry 
waiting  and  ate  it  all  up.  Now,  he's  suing  for  a  divorce, 
and  our  lovc-life  has  reached  a  dismal   conclusion. 

I've  lost  two  hundred  pounds  worrying  so  much.  How 
I  wish  I  could  return  to  those  happy-go-lucky  days  when  I 
weighed  a  cnn\enient  four-hundred  ! 


"1  hear  Mary's  baby  is  si.x  pounds  under-weight.' 
"Well,  she  would  marry  an  iceman." 


What  Dateless  Fraternity  Men  Do: 

(1).     Take  blind  dates. 

(2).  Call  up  sorority  houses  and  ask  for  Mae.  "Mae 
who?"  Answer  smartly:  "Why,  mayonnaise — I  believe 
she's  dressing!" 

(3).  Go  out  on  big  bender  and  don't  give  a  hang  who 
sees  'em. 

(4).  Sit  around  and  let  loose  on  what  crocks  all  of  the 
women  on  campus  are. 


What  Dateless  Sorority  Women  Do: 

(  1  ) .     Take  blind  dates. 

(2).  Call  up  fraternity  houses  and  pull  the  gag:  "Do 
you  have  any  members  who  live  out  of  the  house?  Well, 
bring  them  in — it's  cold  !" 

(3).  Go  out  anyhow  in  dejected  groups  without  a  date 
and  are  embarrassed  to  death  when  they  see  somebody  they 
know. 

(4).  Sit  around  and  mope  on  the  morbid  subject  of 
how  tlu'\  liaven't  yet  seen  a  man  on  campus  fit  to  go  with  ! 


— b- 


Sigma  Chi:     "Say,  did  I  ever  show  you  the  spot  where  I 
hurt  my  hip?" 

Sweetheart  of :   "N-n  no — " 

Sigma  Chi :     "All  right  then  ;  we'll  dri\  e  over  there." 
— U.  of  Minn.  Ski-u-nmli. 


Undertakers  have  reconciled  themselves  to  the  present 
period  of  hard  times.  But  they  haven't  given  up  hope. 
These  times  will  change  and  there  will  be  another  stock 
market  crash  in  a  few  vears. 


Holiday  Number 


17 


Data 

If  you  were  to  take 

— all  the  sorority  girls  who  never  necked 

— all  the  fraternity  men  who  never  drank 

— all   the  chaperons  who  had   a   good   time   at   a  house 

dance 

— all  the  men  who  never  got  in  a  hull  session 

— all  the  girls  who  told  the  latest  that  he  was  the  first 

they'd  ever  kissed  on  a  first  date 

— all  the  profs  who  never  flunked  a  student 

— all  the  freshmen  who  never  had  sneak  dates  and  mix 

them  all  together  and  strain,  \ou  would  get  the  same  rotten 

lunches  at  the  house  as  usual. 


Christmas  is  the  time  of  the  year,  well,  let  me  tell  you 
what  John  Wolgast  '32,  Sig  Pi  says.  He  says  that  if  you 
drink  some  of  the  spirits  of  St.  Vitus  you  will  break  into 
the  St.  Vitus  dance. 


The  first  Russian  said:    "Let'ski  have  a  sleighing  party." 
The  cohort  responded:     "All  rightovitch!     Whom  shall 
we  slav?" 


Abie  Cohen  was  out  one  day 
To  see  what  he  could  see. 

Rosie  dear  walked  by  his  side, 
"A  coat  you'll  buy  for  me?" 

Christmas  time  was  close  at  hand 
And  Rosie  whispered  low, 

"Coats  is  vot  1  like,  old  boy. 

Your  dough  ve'll  haf  to  blow." 

Rut  Abie  shied   at  prices  steep, 
He  wouldn't  budge  a  notch. 
"Hush,  my  boy,  dun't  talk  so  loui: 
Or  folks  vill  think  ve're  Scotch." 


"Do  you  know  Dad,   that  animals  get  new   furs  every 
winter?" 

"Sh  .  .  .  not  so  loud  (\our)  mother  is  in  the  next  room." 


First:    "I'm  going  to  attend  a  good  school  now.  " 
Second  :     "So  am  I." 

First:     "What,  are  you  going  to  transfer  too?" 
Second:    "No,  I'm  staying  here." 


SORORITY 

Sorority  .  .  .  can  I  borrow  your  formal  .  .  .  who  you 
bringing  .  .  .  she  gave  him  his  pin  back  yesterday  .  .  . 
province  director  coming  Friday  .  .  .  put  away  those  fags  .  .  . 
where's  my  toothbrush  .  .  .  who's  next  on  the  tub  .  .  . 
twelve  week's  exam  tomorrow  ...  he  asked  the  most  awful 
questions  .  .  .  but  the  fellow  next  to  me  knew  them  all  .  .  . 
where's  a  freshman  .  .  .  get  that  phone  .  .  .  rushing  dinner 
.  .  .  the  cutest  girl  .  .  .  getting  a  big  Theta  rush  .  .  .  can  I 
borrow  your  gloves  .  .  .  they  hot-boxed  her  .  .  .  where's  my 
College  Humor  .  .  .  who  took  my  hat  .  .  .  who  you  going  to 
the  Prom  with  .  .  .  met  the  darlingest  man  in  Feldkamps 
...  oh  hell,  I'm  trying  to  study  .  .  .  nothing  like  life  in 
a  sorority  .  .  .  no,  nothing  .  .  .  Thank  God.  .  .  . 

S 


She:     "Isn't  he  a  mountain  of  a  man?" 
He:     "Yea,  reminds  me  of  Old  Baldy." 

S 


"/  lioir  that  one  of  our  men  got  choked  to  death." 
"You  don't  say!   How  did  it  happen f" 
"Well,  he  tvas  eating  a  piece  of  horse  meat  and  some- 
hollered  'ff'hoa.'  "  — Arizona  Kitty  Kat. 

s 


Space  for  the  dean  will  not  permit  us  to  tell  you  about 
the  traveling  salesman  who  stopped  at  the  farmer's  house 
one  rainy  night  and  said  he'd  just  like  to  get  something  to 
eat  and  push  on  to  the  next  town.     — Arizona  Kitty-Kat. 

S 


Jf'hy  do  you  say  beer  is  like  the  sun? 

Because  it  rises  in  the  yeast  and  sets  in  the  vest. 

—  Ih  of  Texas  Lonyhurn. 


\\\   uot  da  liell,  1  Uin  vvalU  witcha,  modern  kids  ain't 


18 


The  SIREN 


Coming  Distractions 


As  rc\icwed  bv  Alice  Ireland 


And  now.  jit'iitli'  rcadiMs  aiul  stu- 
dents ot  Illinois,  if  an\',  \\f  prfsont 
tor  your  edification  some  delectable 
tidbits  if  morsels,  cheese-crackers  and 
ha\e  \()u  fiot  anything  else  to  eat? 
I'm  hunirr\.  Hut  I  digress,  (can  1 
help  it  if  three  keys  on  my  typewriter 
are  missing?)  and  I  do  want  to  call 
\our-wandering  attention  to  some  of 
the  attractions  down  Champaign-way 
that  you  can  see  after  you  get  all 
your  homework  done.  ( Five  cents 
down  and  the  rest  when  they  catch 
you — ).  By  the  wa\',  you  might  skip 
this  charming  introduction,  if  you  are 
anxious  for  information.  VOu  might 
skip  it  aiuway.  I'm  going  to  .  .  . 


".Mm  and  Hill,  "  soon  conung  to 
the  VIR(iINlA,  is  a  dramatic  yarn 
of  a  self-sacrificing  wharf-rat's 
mother  love  for  practically-an-orphan 
and  also  the  love  of  another  derelict 
for  her.  Into  this  heavy  stuff  come 
many  moments  of  grand  comedy,  sup- 
plied by  those  excellent  performers, 
Marie  Dressier  and  Wallace  Beery. 
Be  sure  to  see  Min  and  Bill  in  their 
ludicrous  cavortings;  but  leave  the 
kiddies  at  home,  for  this  is  red- 
blooded,  he-man  stuff.  Ambulances 
will  be  waiting  at  the  door  for  those 
fragile  young  things  whose  idea  of  a 
real  thrill  would  be  a  talkie  version 
of  the  "Rover  Bovs  at  Vassar." 


Keep  the  \'lR(il.\lA  in  mind  and 
another  good  show,  "Bill\  the  Kid," 
with  John  Mack  Brown  playing  the 
title  role,  will  .soon  unfold  before 
\()ur  eager  eyes.  Help  yourself  to 
some  real  stirring  drama  in  which  a 
heroic  outlaw  travels  the  pace  that 
kills — his  countless  enemies.  You'll 
like  this  blood  and  thunder  story  of 
the  Kid  taken  from  the  romantic 
stories     of     his     life.        lohii     Mack 


Brown's  southern  drawl  doesn't  ex- 
actly seem  to  fit  the  character  he 
portrays,  but  it  does  no  serious  harm 
to  the  picture. 

Would  you  like  to  see  the  sweetest 
old  lady  that  ever  trotted  across  the 
silver  screen?  Then  watch  for 
Charles  Ruggles  in  "Charlie's  Aunt." 
Riiggles  succeeds  in  looking  and  talk- 
ing like  a  sweet  soprano,  and  wears 
skirts  in  an  endeavor  to  try  to  be  a 
perfect  lady,  though  at  times  he  does 
lift  his  skirts  a  bit  higher  than  any 
nice  old  lady  would  consider  proper. 
It  isn't  any  easy  job  for  a  healthy 
bass  to  be  demure  and  sopranic  (?), 
but  Charlie's  Aiuit  does  right  well  by 
his  role. 

If  you  care  for  Harry  Langdon, 
skip  over  to  the  RIALTO  and  see 
him  in  "Soldier's  Plaything,"  a  queer 
combination  of  slapstick  comedy  and 
swiftly  moving  drama.  It  is  a 
moderately  entertaining  war  picture 
with  Ben  Lyon  and  Lotti  Loder — but 
remember,  I  .said  if  you  care  for 
Harry  Langdon. 

Take  along  your  sou'wester  for 
their  next  picture,  "Derelict,"  and  sit 
in  on  a  ferocious  storm  at  sea.  And 
who  do  you  suppose  brings  in  the 
good  ship  to  a  safe  harbor  on  Para- 
mount's  Stage  Right?     None    other 


"So  I  sii.ts,  Saiit.v,  just  use  jour  .judi;- 
inent." 
"Well,  what  did  .'tou  set?" 
".\  rope   ladder  liir  <iniek  .s;et-a«a.vs." 


than  two-fisted  scourge  of  the  seas, 
(jeorge  Bancroft.  Donald  Stuart,  as 
a  cockney  comic,  helps  him  along 
mighty  nobly,  as  does  William  Boyd, 
who  gives  a  convincing  portrayal  as 
Scourge  of  the  Seas  No.  2. 

After  such  amazing  deeds  as  those 
above,  Charles  (Buddy)  Rogers, 
America's  Sweetheart,  will  be  rather 
mild  fare  in  his  latest  offering, 
"Heads  L'^p."  He  ups  and  joins  the 
navy,  but  never  you  fear  that  they'll 
let  him  ruin  his  manicure  swabbing 
decks.  There  doesn't  seem  to  b( 
much  of  a  plot  to  this  typical  Rogers 
picture,  which  rambles  every^vhen 
from  Annapolis  to  the  lairs  of  rurii' 
runners.  He  is  once  more  the  sweel 
\oung  boy  who  miraculously  manages 
to  capture  a  rum-runner's  gang,  wher 
he  is  not  dancing  or  singing  sweet 
times  to  his  lady  fair.  Sorry  to  tell 
you,  but  Helen  Kane  boop-boop-a- 
(loops  her  way  in  and  out  of  thi: 
picture  in  a  wearisome  manner, 
Margaret  Breen,  the  love  interest,  is 
however  a  compensating  and  trul; 
enticing  bit  of  femininitv. 


Keep  your  weather  eye  open  foi 
Irene  Rich  in  "On  Your  Back' 
coming  to  PARK  soon.  It  is  an  in- 
terest-holding story  of  an  ambitious 
mother  who  does  everything  for  her 
son,  only  to  learn  that  he  wishes  to 
marry  a  chorus  girl — but,  of  course 
(ouch!),  this  one  is  different. 


The  w.  k.  ORPHEUM  seems  to 
be  suffering  from  a  nervous  break- 
dou  n  and  steadfastly  refuses  to 
divulge  what  features  they  may  pre- 
sent in  the  future. 

And  now  let  us  be  brave  and  hide 
the  tears  that  come  welling  up  into 
our  eyes,  as  see  Xmas  vacation  coming 
closer.  (  and  closer ! ) 


Holiday  Niimher 


19 


Heard  on  the  Campus 

"Honest,  Helen,  the  more  I  see  of 
fraternity  men,  the  less  I  think  of 
them!  They're  such  babies,  you 
icnow.  Why.  a  couple  of  them  get  a 
brainstorm  that  results  in  an  idea, 
and  the  brothers  repeat  it  like  par- 
rots. I  don't  ever  want  anything  to 
do  with  them  again,  and  that's  no 
conversation,  either!  Why,  just  be- 
cause Joe  saw  me  having  a  coke  with 
you  now,  Ed,  he  had  to  go  and  act 
like  a  two-year-old,  and  have  a  date 
with  Betty.  What  I  mean  is,  it's  so 
obvious.  .  .  .  No,  he  hasn't  asked  me 
to  his  house  formal,  but  that  has 
nothing  to  do  with  it.  It's  a  cinch 
I'm  not  going  to  ask  him  over  to  ours 
either.  .  .  .  I'll  import  first  .  .  .  not 
going  to  ask  any  of  them.  I'm  swear- 
ing off  here  and  now  on  all  future 
fraternity  dances.  .  .  .  Just  a  minute, 
there's  my  phone.  .  .  .  Well,  it  was 
about  time  that  big  bum  of  a  Joe 
broke  down  and  asked  me  for  a 
date!.  .  .  .  yes,  it's  to  the  formal  .  .  . 
suppose  it  would  be  cutting  off  my 
nose  to  spite  my  face,  because  what 
I  mean  is  a  girl  is  only  in  college  four 
years  and  she  ought  to  get  as  much 
as  she  can  out  of  it,  don't  you  think? 
I'll  let  him  wait  awhile  before  I  tell 
him  definitely,  but  what  I  mean  is, 
Helen,  that  they  all  seem  so,  O,  you 
know.  ...  By  the  way,  what  do  you 
suppose  I  ought  to  wear  ....?" 


-S- 


"Do     vou     know     'Three      Little 
Words'?" 
"No." 
"Go  to  Hell." 


You  can  tell  a  pledge  in  the  Re- 
ser\'e  Library  e\'ery  time.  Just  watch 
one  when  the  library  telephone  rings, 
they  invariably  shrink  back  out  of 
sight. —  University  of  loiva  Frivol. 


Creii'  Coach:  "Have  you  ever 
roived  hcfore?" 

Freshman:  "Don't  you  mean  rid- 
den, sir?"  — Princeton  Tiger. 


"Every  girl  in  the  Alpha  Phi  house 
knouts  me." 

"It  s  funny    I   never   sci-   ynu   icith 
any  of  thc?n." 

"Didn't  I  say  they  all  kneiv  me?" 
— Southern   (jcdifornia   Claiv. 


People  We  Love  to  Meet  in 
the  Bleachers 

The  man  who  says  any  big  hulk 
can  play  football  and  any  leather- 
lunged  lunatic  can  yell,  but  that  it 
takes  a  fellow  of  individuality  to  sit 
with  a  girl  at  a  football  game.  The 
girl  who  repeats  and  repeats  that 
football  men  are  just  too  cute!  The 
girl  who  thinks  the  yell  leader  on  the 
left  looks  like  Rudy  Vallee.  The  girl 
whose  boy  friend  goes  to  \J .  S.  C.  and 
tells  her  all  about  football.  The  in- 
sistent little  boy  who  insists  that  you 
want  a  glass  of  orange  juice  every 
time  someone  gets  started  for  a  touch-' 
down.  The  fun-loving  person  behind 
you  who  cheers  the  team  on  by  wav- 
ing a  mustard  sandwich  here  and 
there  from  time  to  time. 

— Southern    (jalifornia    (JIaiv. 


His  Big  Moment 

At  last,  his  big  day  had  arrived. 
Success  lay  just  around  the  corner. 
Through  thick  and  thin  had  he 
struggled.  Many  hours  had  he  spent 
with  the  scrub  team,  learning  all  of 
the  tricky  formations.  Hoiv  to  use 
his  hands,  hoiv  to  handle  his  iveight 
where  it  U'ould  do  the  most  good,  the 
quick-hip  swing  to  avoid  being  hit, 
the  observant  eye  that  overlooked 
nothin',  the  smashing  drive  that 
pushed  everything  before  it.  Now, 
yes.  noiL',  he  ivas  going  to  shoiv  his 
stuff.  For  this  icas  his  first  day  as  a 
white  iving. 

— .\  otre    Dame    J uggler. 

S 


"What's  going  on  here"  queried 
the  stage  manager  as  he  entered  the 
chorus  girls'  dressing  room. 

"Oh  nothing,"  said  they,  "Ha\e 
a  Murad?" 

— Dartmouth  Jack-o-Lanteru. 


A  young  lady  who  had  missed  her 
train  was  stranded  in  a  small  country 
station.  "Where  can  I  spend  the 
night?"  she  asked  an  old  man  near- 
by. "I  dunno,"  he  said,  "I  guess 
you'll  hafter  sleep  with  the  station 
agent."  "Sir,"  exclaimed  the  girl, 
"I'll  have  you  know  I'm  a  lady." 
"That's  all  right,"  said  the  old 
timer,  "SO  is  the  station  agent." 
— Dartmouth  Jack-o-Lantern. 


'Gosh  Myrt — just  what  I  want  for  Christmas — sorta  conservative-like" 


20 


The  SIREN 


How  to  Avoid  tlic  Discomforts  of  Travel 

/.  Oivn  a  yacht ,  <ind  htive  at  hast  twenty  scrvriiits. 

2.  Be  n  conijressiiKui  iiiul  iiiiikc  a  (/ood-ii'ill  tnur. 

3.  Join  lilt    iDivy. 

4.  Piny  (III  lilt    S'ulri    Daiiie  football  tram. 

5.  Stay  at  home.  — (Joniell  U'nloi 


It  the  wise  cracks  passed  in  Stadiums  every  Satiirda\- 
could  be  Inid  sheet  to  sheet — what  a  terrible  College  Comic 
there  could  be!  —Ruckiull  Bell,    Hop. 


"Who's  in  that  garden?" 

"Only  us  pansies."  — Dart  mouth  .hu  k-o-Laiitt 


II  an  he  Inroad  of  It.'  Say  he  had  just  accepted  it  this 
morniiu/  rind  it  meant  everything  to  him.  ..He'd  better  uork 
heeausc  of  it  from  noir  on.  .hid  ichen  his  friend  learned 
of  it — uouldii'l  he  jasi  husk  in  the  iiarmth  of  their  admir- 
ing glances  and  the  fervor  of  their  congratulations?  Hoic 
thrilled  he  had  been  ichen  they  called  him  into  that  little 
room  and  spoke  softly  and  confidentially  and  told  him  hoiv 
they  thought  he  deserved  it — hoiv  they  wanted  him  to  have 
it.  to  keep  it  until  that  happy  day  when  he  could  exchange 
it  for  another  one.  a  better  one,  and  hoiv  much  that  would 
mean  to  him — say.  hadn't  he  felt  big? 

And  the  street-siceeper  put  his  new  broom  over  his 
shoulder  and  trudged  ivhistling  doiin  the  street. 

— Alabama  Rammer  Jammer. 


— S- 


Maybe  \<)u  heard  this: 

Once  upon  a  time  there  was  a  young  doctor  who  was 
called  out  one  night  on  his  first  maternity  case. 

"Well,  how  was  it?"  asked  his  wife  when  he  returned. 

"fine!"  exclaimed  the  young  doctor  enthusiastically. 
"The  baby  died  and  the  mother  died,  but  I  think  I'm  going 
to  be  able  to  save  the  old  man  !" 

— //  ashing/on    I   .   Dirge. 

S 


Prof :  II  ill  you  men  phase  stop  e.yehangint/  notes  in  tin 
bark  of  the  room? 

Stude:  J  hem  ain't  notes,  litem's  dollar  bills.  We're 
shooting  craps. 

Prof.:    Oh,  pardon   me.  — Texas  Longhorn. 


How  to  He   Popular  at  a  Fraternity  House 

(For  Freshmen) 

Kick  about  the  meals.  Tell  about  the  swell  dinners  you 
had  at  prep  school. 

Refuse  to  learn  the  fraternity  songs  and  chapter  roll. 
Say  it  takes  time  from  your  studies. 

Start  a  bull  session  every  study  hour. 

Get  into  heated  arguments  with  the  president  on  the 
management  of  the  house. 

Refuse  to  do  any  work  around  the  house.  Explain  that 
\ou  came  to  college  for  culture. 

Make  repeated  requests  for  redecoration  of  study  rooms. 

Air  your  opiiu'on  on  how  the  house  should  have  been 
built. 

Huy  a  loud  alarm  clock,  set  it  for  4:30  every  morning, 
but  sleep  through. 

Never  buy  cigarettes,  razor  blades  or  writing  paper. 
Hum  them  from  the  upper  classmen. 

Tell  the  football  men  they  ought  to  be  out  for  more 
activities.  — Alabama  Rammer  Jammer. 


Fraternity:      A   sort   of   co-operative  student  book  and 
clothing  exchange.  — Alabama  Rammer  Jammer. 


This  Week's  Bughouse  Fable 

She:     It  must  be  wrong  to  love  like  this,  dear. 
He:     It  is. 

— Texas  Longhorn. 

S 

"Yes  sir,  I've  traveled  the  world  over,  have  seen  every- 
thing, and  have  heard  everything.  I  can  truthfully  say  that 
there  is  one  poor  group  of  people  universally  misunderstood." 

Frosh  :     "Who  are  the\' — train  announcers?" 

— Cornell   ff'idoii. 


]i  all   freshmeti  were  put  end   to  end — the\    would   still 
reach  across  the  table.  — Alabama  Ram/iirr  Jammer. 


This  is  a  fraternity  story.  One  athletic  sophomore  was 
being  sounded  out  previous  to  his  initiation  regarding  his 
\  iews  on  various  and  sundry  matters  of  ethics  and  morality. 
T  he  whole  thing  more  or  less  tended  to  confuse  the  youth's 
mind.     Suddenly  the  following  question  was  shot  at  him  : 

"Well  Jones,  what  do  you  think  about  Chastity?" 

Now  Jones  never  had  thought  about  Chastity  and  if  the 
truth  were  known  it  is  doubtful  if  Jones  knew  what  the 
word  meant.  Howexer,  he  realized  that  the  fate  of  the  fra- 
tenu'ty  probably  rested  upon  his  opinion  in  the  matter  :\ni] 
he  delivered  himself  somewhat  as  follows: 

"Well,  I  think  chastity  is  a  good  thing  around  the  house 
all  right,  but  I  don't  think  it  ought  to  be  encouraged  out- 
side." 

They're  still  dragging  the  river  for  his  body. 

— Stanford  Chapparral. 


Holidav  Number 


21 


Our  Business  is  Your  Business 

Because  your  electric,  f>as,  transportation,  water  and  telephone  service  is  so 
necessary  to  the  convenience  and  comfort  of  your  daily  life,  it  is  in  truth  a  semi- 
public  activity.  For  that  reason,  the  company  supplying  these  services  is  known 
as  a  "public  utility." 

The  individual  community  is  known  by  its  utilities.  Good  lights,  abundant 
power,  good  telephone  service,  pure  water,  good  transportation  tell  a  stranger 
within  the  gates  more  about  the  city  than  can  the  spoken  words, 

A  public  utility  organization  that  is  successful  reflects  its  success  throughout 
the  community.  It  pays  dividends  to  the  people  in  the  community  with  increased 
and  improved  utility  service. 

This  company  is  endeavoring  to  pay  a  daily  service  dividend  in  return  for 
the  good  things  it  enjoys  with  all  the  people  in  this  community. 


Illinois 

Fower  and  Light 

Coxpoiation 


Overheard  at  the  Prom 

"Stop!    Please  don't  do  that,  dear.     Stop!     Do  you  hear 
nie?    Stop!" 

"What  do  you  think  you're  doing,  writing  a  telegram?" 
— Penrisylv/itiin  Piitich  Boiil. 


We  admit  that  a  modern  girl  living  at  a  power  station 
might  get  watts  from  eating  too  many  currents  but  still  we 
think  it  might  transformer.  — Boston  U.  Bean  Pot. 


Rollicking  Rover,  the  office  dog,  says:     "No  woman  can 
make  a  fool  out  of  a  man  unless  she  has  co-operation." 

— South  Dakota  Wet  Hen. 


New  York  Gangster:  Do  you  have  much  control  over 
the  city  of  Chicago? 

Chicago  Gangster:  Control — even  the  stop  lights  are 
fixed.  — The  Pitt  Panther. 


Judge    (to  docketed   weather  man):     "Your   forecast   is 
fine  and  costs  with  no  relief  in  sight." 

— I'anderbilt  Masqtierader. 


lothe 


Ballad 

There  she  stood,  a  bit  depressed 

And  feeling  sorry  too, 
And  no  one  cared  to  give  a  bid 

To  her,  so  sad  and  blue. 
A  scarf  of  lace  was  gathered  o'er 

Her  arms  and  'round  her  back, 
Rut  still  she  knew  'twas  more  than 

She  really  seemed  to  lack. 
What  could  it  be  ?     She  had  no  scars, 

Her  age  was  not  too  old ; 

Her  slender  legs  were  beautiful. 

That  is,  so  she  was  told. 
Two  handsome  college  boys  right  near 

But  no  bid,  just  a  stare; 
Then  all  at  once  th«  auctioneer 

Yelled,  "How  much  for  this  chair?" 

— Boston  U.  Bean  Pot. 


"You'll  never  see  anything  like  it!  Their  blocking  is 
absolutely  perfect,  their  interference  is  superb,  and  their 
poiL'cr,  drive,  and  endurance — well,  those  boys  just  can't 
be  stopped,  that's  all.  They'll  siveep  through  everthing. 
Yeh,  take  it  from  me,  you  ivant  to  go  to  the  Cotillion  and 
see  those  Sophs  in  action."  — \otre  Dame  Juggler. 


22 


The  SIREN 


There's  at  Least  One   In   livery  House 

The  girl  who  is  contimiiiiji  her  viohii  lessons  at  school. 

The  girl  who  is  always  laiiientiiig  the  loss  of  sorority  spirit. 

The  freshman  who  won't  take  showers  w  itii  flu-  nrher  girls. 

A  "No  Parking"  sign." 

A  picture  of  l?uil(l\-  Rogers. 

The  girl  .  .  .  — Boston  Bciiitt")t. 

S 


Remember,  ye  Ronieos,  that  while  some  fellows  may 
bo;ist  of  being  the  reason  why  girls  leave  home,  it's  the  guy 
who  can  make  them  conn-  back  tiiat's  got  a  really  good  line. 

— Boston  Beanpot. 

S 


Thint/s  ivc  hate  to  h/irc  our  Inst  //iris  do — 
/.     /t/i/(-   us   ivluit   n-f   think   of   our   rooni-tiintc   /mil   tin  ii 
start  going  ivitli  him. 

2.  Tell  Its  !ch/it  /I  hot  /l/itc  they  h/ul  ihr  niz/ht  hi  fore. 

3.  Yawn. 

4.  Look  disgtistrtt. 

5.  Borroiv  our  r/iiiih  /in/l  ihiin  thnrrjughly  before  using. 

6.  Smoke  our  last  eig/irette.  — Boston  Beanpot. 


Dignified  old  lady  in  museum    (slightly  deaf)  :     What 
sort  of  foot  apparel  is  on  that  statute? 

Old  lady:     Eh?  I  didn't  hear. 

Attendant:     Boot,  boot,  a  boot. 
Old  lady:     See  here,  young  man  don't  try  any  of  your  jazz 
songs  on  me.  — Cornell  II  i/ioic. 


— S- 


The  Perfect  Grime 

Before  stepping  into  the  street  he  looked  back  into  the 
room  he  had  just  gone  over.  It  would  never  do,  thought 
he,  to  leave  anything  amiss  for  then  he  was  most  certainly 
a  ruined  man.  Everything  depended  upon  his  carefulness. 
He  removed  the  stain  from  the  carpet,  cautiously  removed 
a  similar  stain  from  the  steel  paper  knife,  and  saw  to  it  that 
the  chair  he  had  overturned  was  put  back  in  its  place.  He 
removed  the  fingerprints  from  the  doorknob,  swept  up  the 
ashes  which  had  fallen  from  his  cigar,  cleaned  up  the  muddy 
prints  which  led  to  the  window,  and  with  his  customary 
foresight  looked  for  further  signs.  Suddenly  he  spied  a 
platinum  stud  lying  under  the  bureau.  "Whew,"  he  whistled 
under  his  breath,  "What  a  narrow  squeak!  Wouldn't  old 
man  Scroggins  make  it  hot  for  his  man  if  he  couldn't  tind 
his  stud  !"  — (Cornell  IFi/l'riv. 


-S- 


Now  that  the  Red-headed  Alphafee  is  out  of  circulation 
(oh,  yes,  haven't  you  heard?)  what  more  is  there  in  life 
for  Jack.      (Last  name  sent  upon  urgent  request.) 


A  Playlet  in  One  Act 

Place — Telephone  Booth. 

Time — Up  to  you. 

ACT   I,  SCENE   I 
Englishman:     Hello. 
Operator:      Hello? 
Englishman:     15ranch   Brook  4212. 
Operator:     Branch  Brook  4212? 
Englishman:     Hello! 
Operator:     Hello? 
Englishman:      Hello? 
Operator:     Hello! 
Englishman:     Well? 
Operator:     Well! 

Englishman    (slamming  receiver) — Damn  that  echo! 

— Prineeton   Tiger. 


Captain:     If  anything  moves,  you  shoot. 
Sentry:     Yes,  and  if  anything  shoots,  I  move. 

— Longhor?!. 


Indignant   One:    Why  don't   you   put   "Wet   Paint"   c 
that  bench. 

Painter:     I  did.  — Longhorn. 


First  College  Man:     Hey,  watcha  doin'? 
Second  So  and  So:     Hie!    Celebratin'  tha  football  game. 
First  Ditto:    Well  whyntcha  wait  until  after  it's  over? 
Second    Ditto  r     Won't    be    nothin'    to   celebrate   about 
then.  — N.  W.  Purple  Parrot. 


"What  a  charming  baby,    Mrs.   Jones,   and   he   does   re- 
semble your  husband. 

"Gracious,  you  alarm  me;  we  adopted  this  baby." 

—  U.  of  Boston  Beanpot. 


She:     Don't  tell  me  you  didn't  have  a  date  last  night. 
I  saw  you  with  my  own  eyes. 

He:    Well  are  you  going  to  believe  me,  or  your  eyes? 
■ — Carnegie  Terh  Puppet. 

S 


He:      So   you   made   these   candies  with   yovu"  own   dear 
little  hands? 

She   (coyly)  :     Yes,  why? 

He:      I   just   wondered   how   you    managed     to    stamp 
"Hershey"  on  the  bottom  of  each  one. 

—Bucknell  Belle  Hop. 


"Now,  sonny,  go  wash  your  face.  Do  you  want  to  grow 
up  to  look  like  Al  Jolson  ?"  — L''.  of  Chicago  Phoenix. 


Holiday  Number 


23 


Clubbed  to  Death 

fl  hat  Great  Men  Say  of  iMiniatiire  (!o/f: 

Shakespeare :    Out,  out  damned  spot. 

Bryant:  So  live  that  ivhen  thy  summons  romc  to  join 
that  mysterious  caravan,  etc. 

Patrick  Henry:  Our  brothers  are  a/ready  in  the  field. 
Why  stand  ire  here  idle? 

Kipling:    You're  a  better  man  than  I  am,  Cunt/a  Din. 

Sandburg :    I  am  the  grass:  I  cover  all. 

Floyd  (j  i  b  b  n  n  s:  Readthcliterarydigestforunbiased- 
opinions. 

Calvin    Coolidge:    Ditto.  — The  Pitt   Panther. 

_  s 


i«  Stretching  a  Point 

Did  you  hear  the  one  about  the  Scotchman  who,  after 
Tiaking  a  hole-in-one  on  a  prize  hole  on  a  small-scale  golf 
rourse,  had  a  stroke  and  then  died  because  his  Aberdonian 
lartner  made  him  count  it?  — The  Pitt  Panther. 


A  Chicago  actress  came  into  a  lawyer's  office  and  said. 
'I  want  a  divorce." 

"Certainly,"  said  the  lawyer.  "For  a  nominal  fee  I 
vill  institute  proceedings." 

"What  is  the  nominal  fee?" 

"Five  hundred  dollars,"  he  replied. 

"Nothing  doing,"  retorted  the  lady.     "I  can  have  him 


hot  for  ten." 


— [7.  of  loiva  Frivol. 


The  next  day  after  a  late  party  during  a  convention 
)ne  salesman  said  to  another,  "How  did  you  find  yourself 
his  morning?" 

"Oh,  I  just  looked  under  a  table  and  there  I  was." 
— [/.  of  Iowa  Frivol. 


Saint  Peter  was  interviewing  the  fair  damsel  of  the 
)early  gate.  "Did  you,  while  on  earth,"  he  asked,  "indulge 
n  necking,  petting,  smoking  or  dancing?" 

"Never!"  she  retored  emphatically. 

"Then  why  haven't  you  reported  sooner?"  asked  St. 
'eter.     "You've  been  dead  a  long  time." 

— U.  of  lon-a  Frivol. 


Heard  in  a  Jailyard 

Dumb  Dora:     Oh  Daddy,  what  does  that  man  play? 
Daddy:    Why  that  man's  a  prisoner,  Dora. 
Dumb  Dora:     Well  then  what  did  he  get  his  numerals 
or?  ^Cornell  IVidow. 


"Hot  darn!"  said   the  old   lady  as  she  mended   the  fifth 
tocking  on  the  hottest  day  in  July. —  (7.  S.  M.  C.  Pointer. 


TAKEOFF  NUMBER 


Here  you  are  folks,  the  long  waited  for 
take-off  on  Physical  Culture  by  IVIadame 
Siren  herself. 

Read  all  about  the  mysteries  of  life,  how 
to  develop  your  muscles  in  thirty  days  or  your 
money  back,  why  children  are,  the  perfect 
physique  and  how  it  aflects  women  and  so  on 
through  the  pages. 

Drown  your  worries  of  finals  ($$&((?)  by 
reading  The  Siren  during  exams.  Give  one 
to  the  Prof,  and  get  an  ".\"  out  of  the  course. 
Shoot  in  six  bits  (75c)  to  The  Siren  and  laugh 
from  now  until  June.  Four  for  the  price  of  a 
date  (Some  times  they  can  be  had  for  that.) 
DON'T  W.AIT.  Do  it  now  while  the  money's 
fresh. 

The  SIREN 


24 

The  SIREN 

Swell  Presents 

Here  are 

Some  Things  Good  Enough  for  Anybody 

Ice  skates 
$10.00  a  pai 

Books — for 
$25.00 

with  shoes)  $7.00  to 
r 

every  reader  50c  to 

Illinois    Pennants,    Blankets, 
Shields,  Book  Ends,  Ash  Trays. 
Cigaret  Cases,  Lighters,  etc. 

Kodaks  $2.00  to  $20.00 

Desk    Sets,    Lamps,    Illinois 
Jewelry 

Fine  Toilet  Goods 

Brief  Gases  $3.50  to  $10.00 
Fine  Gigars 

Fountain  F 
Sets 

ens.  Pen  and  Pencil 

Memory  Books,  Photo  Albums, 
Diaries,  Purses,  Bill  Folds 

At  Prices  to 

Save  You  Money 

THE 

CO-OP 

On  the  Square 

On  the  Square 

Tears 

There  are  tears  that  are  strained  ; 
There  are  tears  that  are  feigned  ; 
There  are  tears  that  are  rained 

Perchance 
Hut  the  tears  that  are  worse 
And  that  make  a  guy  curse 
are  the  tears  in  the  back  of  your  pants)  ! 

— U.  of  Joica  Frivol. 

S 

Professor:     "This  examination  will  be  conducted  on  the 
honor  system.     Please  take  seats  three  apart  and  in  alternate 
rows."                                                        — (/.  of  loiia  Frivol. 
S 

//  was  a  dark  alley  in  one  of  the  icorst  parts  of  the  toivn. 
Three  men  jvere  icaiting.  One  of  them  pulled  a  slouch  hat 
doivn  over  his  eyes  and  said: 

"D'ya  see  him?" 

Another  took  a  quick  peck  around  the  corner.  "Yes.  here 
he  conies,"  he  grunted. 

The  man  with  the  slouch  hat  picked  up  a  short,  thick 
section  of  pipe.  Another  took  up  a  heavy  bar.  ichile  the 
third  i/rahbed  a  small,  but  none  the  less  effective,  urench. 

"All  right .  fellows,  here  we  go,"  one  hissed. 

And  when  the  boss  came  around  the  corner,  he  found 
his  three  plumbers  hard  at  ivork.     — Arizona  Kitty-Kat. 


Times  are  certainly  hard.     Just  the  other  day  we  heard 
of  a  football  player  who  got  laid  off. 

— -Vanderbilt  Alasquerader. 

S 

Ag  Prof. :    "Why  is  some  milk  blue?" 

Frosh :      "These    hard    times    seem    to    make    the    cowi 


rather  depressed." 


-Tennessee  I\Iuyuump. 


-S- 


"The  best  time  to  take  a  bath  is  just  before  retiring." 
"No  wonder  these  boys  retire  at  a  ripe  old  age." 

— Vanderbilt  Masquerader. 

S 

Customer:     "Are  you  a  criminal  lawyer?" 
Chicago  attorney:    "Yeah,  whom  do  you  want  shot?" 
— Vanderbilt  Masquerader. 

— S 

Professor:  "James  could  you  write  a  good  paragrapl 
on  football?" 

Bright  Little  James:  "Not  this  year,  teacher,  not  this 
year."  — U.  of  loiva  Frivol. 

S 

On  his  sabbatical  leave,  a  psychology  professor  tourei 
Europe.  PVhen  he  visited  the  Rock  of  Gibraltar,  he  wroti 
home  the  following  letter  to  one  of  his  colleagues:  "Thl 
trouble  with  this  place  is  that  it's  suffering  from  a  fixatioi 
complex."  — U.  of  Chicago  Phoenix, 


Holiday  Number 


25 


I  Always  Get  Christmas  Cards 

Ones  which  have  on  them  engravings  of  ladies  in  hoop 
skirts  and  men  in  tall  hats  and  frock  coats  .  .  .  the  linings 
of  these  were  designed  by  a  man  who  saw  the  window  shades 
of  the  house  across  the  street  from  the  dye  works  that  blew 
up. 

Mediaeval  affairs  with  yule  logs  and  wassail  bowls  and 
\arlets  and  holly  all  over  the  lot  .  .  .  if  every  other  test  fails 
you  can  always  spot  them  by  the  inevitable  "Merrie  Christ- 
mas." 

Woodcuts  of  lobsided  pine  trees  or  cockeyed  skyscrapers 
tliat  look  like  a  pile  of  cracker  boxes.  They  are  printed  on 
what  looks  like  kindergarten  paper,  and  they  have  the  grace 
to  leave  them  blank  so  you  can  write  what  you  please  on 
tliem. 

The  Eddie  Guest  Card  .  .  .  the  "from  us  to  you,  the 
whole  year  through,"  sort,  with  tasty  decorations  of  us  at 
our  firesides  out  in  Idleside,  the  suburb  ideal  for  the  man  on 
a  salary. 

The  moderne  card,  which  is  kinda  stale  now.  Triangles 
and  circles  gone  haywire  on  silver  or  red  paper  at  twenty- 
five  cents  a  throw.  They  always  say  "Joyeux  Noel"  be- 
cause it  sounds  snootier. 

The  comic  card,  and  bless  its  heart  it  hasn't  changed 
since  1909,  when  Ma  got  one  with  a  picture  of  a  man  hold- 
ing a  rigged  fishing  rod  "I'm  dropping  you  a  line  to  wish 
\ou  a  merry  Xmas"  written  under  it. 

The  homemade  card  .  .  .  after  all  it  is  the  sentiment 
that  counts,  and  we  must  have  our  individuality.  Un- 
questionably this  is  the  group  that  has  the  individuality. 

I  always  get  Christmas  cards  ...  I  wonder  why  .  .  . 
whatineJI  have  thev  got  to  do  with  Christmas? 


-S— 


Excerpt  from  a  sociology  text:  "Marriage  is  a  great  a: 
noble  institution  ;  no  family  should  be  without  it.' 

—  V.  of  Minn.  Ski-u-iiiiih. 


Collitch  Man:     I'm  here  on  probation. 

Student:    You're  lucky,  I  have  to  pay  my  own  way. 

—  U.  of  Pittsburgh  Pitt  Panther. 


Bellboy:    "Call  tor  .Mr.  G'Hrien.  Call  for  Mr.  O'Hrien. 
Jewish    (lentlcman :     "Vait   a   minute,    boy.     Vat   iss   de 
initial,  please?"  — The  Lehigh  Burr. 


Rooster:     "Why  are  you  eating  those  tacks?" 
Hen:     "I'm  going  to  lay  a  carpet." 

—  [/.  of  Pittsburgh  Pitt  Panthe 


VIRGINIA 

SIND.W,    MONDAY,   Tl  KSDAV.    I)K(  .    14,    l."),    I(i 

The  "Hii;    House"  of  Conietl.t — and  a 

N'i'W    "Cockf.vecl   World" 

"UP  THE  RIVER" 

With    the   new   sensational   eoniedj    leani 

SPKNCKK  TKAt  Y  \YAKKKX  HYMKN 

One  of  the  l)est  sereeii  eoniedies  of  the  year 


\M<:i).,    THl  |{S.,    1  Kl.,    S.AT.,    DEC.    17,    18,   lit,   2(1 
Mai-li   Twain's   ISeloved   Story   of  Childhood 

"Tom  Sawyer" 

Willi    JacUie   (oilman,   .lunior    Dnrldn,    Mit/.i    (ireen 

If  .von're  10  or  (iO,  this  immortal  story  will 

warm  .your  heart! 

ORPHEUM 

sATiKitAY,  sl^nA^,  .M(»m»\y.  i»i:(.  i:;,  ii.  i:> 

Never   sued   a   love   t;aml>le   heforel 

"The  Lottery  Bride" 

recUless  adventures — warrins   loves   with 
■leanette  MaeUonald,  .loe  E.  Urown,  Zazii  Pitts 


Tl  h  S.,   WKU.,  THIKS.,   KKI.,   I)K(  .   l(i,   17,   18,   I!t 

Lau$;'hs  and  Thrills!     I.ove  and   (hills! 

W'lM.    HAINES    broadeastini;    from     antir     melodranur 

that   will  stir  you  like   static 

"Remote  Control" 
iiii.i.\  :moua\  (iiaui.ie  \<\su 


Start  the  New  Year  Right 

By  Attendiuii 

J.  C'S  COFFEE  HOUSE 

Across  From  Pri'liii's-o)i'()rei>o>i 
(It  Least  Once  a  Day 


a 


Sandwiches  and  Sundaes  a  Specialty 


_Y, 


The  SIREN 


Special  Busses  Christmas 
\  acation 


To 


MOLINE 

ROCK  ISLAND 

I)  A\  EN  FORT 

OTTAWA 

STREATOR 

JOLIET 

AURORA 

ELGIN 


IMTTSFIELD 

MORRISON 

STERLING 

LASALLE 

PERU 

MENDOTA 

OREGON 

ROGKFORD 


QUINGY 

Leave  Prehns-nn-Green 

11:30  A.  M.  Saturday.  December  2Uth 

Return  Monday  A.  M.  January  5tli 

PARKHILLS  TOURS  INC. 

Phone  4848  or  make  reservations 
Prehn's-on-Green— 1:00  to  5:30  P.  M. 


Would  you  care  to  dance,  Miss  Klaig?  Craig?  Oh. 
Isn't  it  hard  meeting  so  many  names  at  once,  though?  Are 
you  a  freshman?  A  junior!  Well,  I  didn't  think  you  were 
a  freshman;  to  tell  the  truth  you  look  like  a  senior  but  I 
didn't  want  to  embarrass  you  in  case  you  weren't.  I  re- 
member once  I  got  taken  for  a  P.  E.  major  and  I  was  so 
mad ! 

May  I  cut  in?  \ou're  \Iiss  (jeg,  aren't  you?  Craig? 
Oh,  \cs,  1  got  you  mixed  up  with  somebody  else.  I  adore 
\our  fluffy  little  frock.  What's  your  major?  Physical 
Kducatioii?   Well,  I  think  that  is  just  lovely  and  healthy — 

May  I  cut  in.  Miss  Crag?  Are  you  related  to  the  Mr. 
Crag  that  runs  the  hardware  store  on  Telegraph?  Oh, 
Craig!  Now  don't  think  I  didn't  remember  you,  dear,  be- 
cause I  did.  This  Mr.  Crag  is  sort  of  odd  anyway  but  we 
buy  all  our  wire  from  him.  Are  you  just  entering?  A  junior! 
Oh,  sorry! 

May  I  cut  in?  Oh,  realh'  must  you  go?  Are  vou 
thrilled  with  starting  college,  Miss  Egg? 

— Stanford  (.'lia/>/>ari{i/. 


Getting  to  Know  the  Girls 

"Now,"  said  the  super-salesman,  "this  instrument  turns 
irccn  if  the  licjuor  is  good — red  if  it  is  bad." 

"Sorry,  but  I'm  color-blind."  apologized  tlic  prospect. 
'Got  .-mytiiing  with  a  gong  on  it?" — Notrr  Dii/iu   Jiii/i/lir. 


Familiarity  breeds  contempt. 
Familiarity  breeds  attempt. 
Familiarity  breeds  content. 


-Siuasht 


"He  made  that  last  hole  under  par." 

"How  do  you  know?  ' 

"A  little  birdie  told  nic."  — Stanford  CJiapptural. 


Aviatrix:     "Kiss  me  and   I'll  jump." 

Aviator:      "AH    right    'chute."      — Finn   State    Froth. 


Little  girl,  in  subway  car:  "Mama.  wh\-  is  that  man 
over  there  getting  up  in  such  a  hurry?" 

Mother:  "Why  darling,  he  is  a  Har\ard  student,  and 
he  is  offering  his  place  to  the  old  lady." 

Little  girl:  "Mama,  then  why  is  he  pulling  that  thumb- 
tack out  of  the  seat  of  his  pants?"     — Harvard  Lampoon. 


So  start  your  search  right  now,  my  dear. 

And  search  till  the  atonement. 
You'll  find  one  thing  most  definite; 

Indefinite  postponement. 

— Harvard  Lampoon. 


Drinkin'  Song 

Drink  a  mug  to  dear  old  State 

I    like   this   damned   old   place    first    rate 

It  saves  me  money  on  a  date 

Cause  I  don't  need  a  new  straight  eight 

And  then  the  girls  can't  stay  out  late. 

— Penn.  State  Froth. 


Some  claim  that  the  shortest  story  in  the  world  is  "Adam 
had  'em."     But  an  even  shorter  story  is  "Eve  had  'it.  " 

— Harvard  Lampoon. 


"What  do  you  mean,  that  black  eye  is  a  birth  mark?  " 
"Hcrth  mark,     (jot  in  the  wrong  berth." 

— Dartmouth  Jark-o-Lantcrn. 


She   wrote   all    her   confidential    news   in   the   postscript 
because  she  thought  P.  S.  stood  for  past! 

— Dartmouth  Jack-o-Lantcrn. 


Things   could    always   be   worse.      Just   think   if   Floyd 
(Gibbons  stuttered.  — Harvard  Lampoon. 


Holiday  Number 


27 


Heigh    Ho  — the    Holly! 

—and  here's  a  cheerful  thought— Cheney 
Cravats!— always  a  welcome  gift  because 
they're  always  in  good  taste.  For  all  day- 
time and  evening  occasions. 

Your  favorite  shops  carry  them. 


C  ]H[  E  N  IE  Y 

CRAVAT^ 

MADE       OF       CHENEY      SILKS 


2S 


The  SIREN 


BRING  HER  TO— 


RKFRESHINO 
DRINKS 


*     CHAMPAIGN.    ILL.   ' 

After  the  Show  or  After  the  Dance 

Ivast  (>reen  and  Soiitli  Nci!  Streets 


lOASTED 
SANDWICHES 


1   was  in   Ni-w  ^  ork  twenty-four  liours  and  no  one: 

1.  Stole  ni\    hat  in  a   restaurant. 

2.  Tried  to  sell  nie : 

a.  The  Brooklyn  Bridge. 

b.  A  gold  brick. 

c.  Stolen  furs. 

d.  \  "genuwine"  \\-atch  for  a  dime  (  and  they  e\  en 
do  that  in  Philadelphia.) 

-V      Lxploded  a  gun  in  ni\   car. 

4.  Sidled  up  to  me  with  a  furtive  look  in  his  eye. 

5.  Pointed  out  any  drunken  cops. 
AVhat  kind  of  a  city  is  that  any\va\  ? 

— Pinii.  State  Froth. 


"What  could  be  worse  than  a  guy  with  fleas?" 

"I  know." 

"What?" 

"Supposin'   they  chirped!"      — fCasliiiu/t'iii    U.   Dirt/c. 


1  call  nn'  big  moment,  "Impromptu"  because  she  makes 
up  as  she  goes  along.  — Broivn  University  Broicii  J ug. 


He:     "Has  she  a  steady  boy  friend?" 
She:     "No,  he  pledged  Delt  yesterday." 

—  ('.   (jf  Miini.  Si'i-u-/ii<ih. 


Nip:      How  did    Lind\    k 


now   lie  was 


flving  o\er  Scot- 


Tuck:      Because  the  screws  began  tightening  up. 

— Grinnell  Ala/tcoscr. 


-S- 


"Did  you  hear  about  Rockweller?" 

"Yes  they  say  the  big  drop  rather  broke  him." 

"Smashed  flat." 

"I   thought  he  always  played  safe." 

"Well,  he  got  caught  with  Morgan  on  his  hands.  When 
the  first  drop  came  he  couldn't  let  go  and  hung  on  until  it 
was  too  late." 

"I'd  have  thought  Dillon  would  have  been  in  a  position 
to  help  him." 

"No,  he  couldn't  quite  swing  it.  " 

"Too  bad.     Well,  see  you  tonight." 

"Yeh.  And  say,  Pete,  if  you  get  there  early  tighten  up 
tile  bolts  on  my  trapeze,  will  you?" — Stanford  Chapt^arrnl. 


IN  GHAMPAIGN-URBANA  IT'S  THE 


MODE.L 

LAUNDRY  CO. 


FOR  FINE  LAUNDRY  WORK 


Holiday  Number 


29 


Bed  Time  Stories  for 
Football  Men 

One  day  little  Audrey  was  walking 
down  the  street  with  her  little  brother 
and  as  they  were  strolling  along  she 
pointed  across  the  way  and  said, 
"Look,  little  brother,  there  goes  your 
Uncle  Jim."  And  so  little  Brother 
started  to  run  across  the  street  to  see 
Uncle  Jim  but  a  big  motor  car  came 
along  and  ran  over  little  Brother. 
And  little  Audrey  laughed  and 
laughed  'cause  that  wasn't  Uncle  Jim 
on  the  other  side  of  the  street  after 
all. 

.And  another  time  little  Audrey's 
home  burned  down  and  she  and  her 
Daddy  escaped  but  mother  was 
caught  up  stairs.  So  little  Audrey 
cried,  "Go  ahead  and  jump,  Alamma, 
we'll  catch  \ou  in  the  net.  Mama 
jumped  and  little  .'\udrey  laughed 
and  laughed  'cause  she  didn't  have 
an\-  net  after  all. 

— Colgate   Banter. 


"Did   that  course   in   English   help 
your  boy-friend  any?" 

"Not   a   bit.      He   still   ends   ever\ 
sentence  with  a  proposition." 

— Penn  State  Frater. 


Frosh :  Would  you  rather  die  with 
\our  shoes  on  or  your  shoes  ofT? 

Soph:  I'd  rather  die  with  them  on. 

Frosh :  Howcum  ? 

Soph:  So  I  won't  stub  me  toe  when 
I   kick  the  bucket. 

—Bueknell   Belle   flap. 


"Oh,  Dr.  Morgan,"  cooed  the 
sweet  young  co-ed  to  our  promising 
young  psychiatrist,  "I  lost  my  Intel- 
ligence Test.  Will  I  have  to  be  ex- 
amined all  over  again?" 

"No,  "  responded  our  good  doctor 
gallantly,  "only  your  mind." 

— loica  State  Green  Gander. 


lisitor:  "So  yon  call  your  canary 
Joe.  Does  that  stand  for  Joseph  or 
Josephine:'" 

Child:  "We  don't  knoic  that's 
irhy  ive  call  it  Joe." 

^Jona  State  Green  Gander. 


Ui 


RGENT . 


yet  as 


various  as  a  young 
girl's  whims  ...  a  syn- 
popaled  steeplechase 
ofOIe  Man  Trouble... 
Mister,  you  sure  got 
niusie  when  you  dance 
to  Victor  Record  No. 
22558 ! 

Arden  and  Ohnian — 
no  lusty  ivory-ticklers 
<|uite  like  them  —  re- 
cord this  Broadway  wow  for  Victor  with  their  own 
most  understanding  band. 

IVote  list  below.  Each  is  a  meaty  wallop— match- 
less of  its  kind.  Victorrecords  what  you  want  — first 
. . .  and  the  greatest  orchestras  and  artists,  from 
jazz  to  symphony,  record  for  \iclor— exclusively! 


tlow 

W  this 


Wi 


Hfnr  Thcs^T 


Records 

22SS8-«I  «OT  KIIYTHM" 

"EMBRACEABLE   \OU" 

Arden  &  Oilman  Orch. 

223\2-"WIIX  YOr  nE:>IE.>lBEK  vie.xn.v 

"I  BRl.NG  A  LOVE  SONG" 

Leo  Reisman  &  Orch. 

2:iiilO-"PE:VAI,TY  OF  LOVE" 

"LOVIN-    YOU   THE    WAV    1    DO" 

Rubber  Riler  &  Ilia  Mileage  Makers 

23015-'-I»lY  MAX    FROM  r.lROI-IXE" 

"I  LIKE  A  LrrTLE  GIKL  LIKE  THAT" 
Joe  lenuli  &  llii 


Victor     R  e  c 


WAISTCOATS   OF  REAL   QUALITY 

Before  you  buy  a  dress  or  dinner  waistcoat, 
make  it  a  point  to  look  for  the  ojreen  label  of 
Catoir  Vesting  on  tbe  strap.  If  it  is  not  there, 
you  may  be  certain  that  you  are  not  getting 
the  best  in  either  fabric  or  workmanship. 

CatqiR 

{Pronounced  "KAT^WAH"! 
VESTINCS       FACINGS       LININGS 


30 


The  SIREN 


Rialto  Theatre 

December  13-19 


(JeorOeArliss 


What  (jun  You  Telephone? 

llillo.  opiTiitoi!     (ii\e  nic  the  poHce  station,  quick! 

I'olicf  station — Captain  O'C^raily  speaking;. 
Hello,  Captan.     There's  been  an  a\\  fnl  murder  and  rob- 
bery and  .  .  . 

Name  please? 

Henry  Smith.     There's  been  an  awful  murder  and   rob- 
bery over  here  anil  .  .  . 

Address? 

26  Main  street.  There's  been  a  robbery  and  murder 
an,l  .  .  . 

Nationality? 

-American.     There's  been  a  robbery  and  killing  over  .  .  . 

Heiglit  and  weight? 

T  feet  1(1,   155  pounds.     There's  been  a  murder  and  .  .  . 

Color  of  hair,  complexion? 

Light  brown,  fair.     There's  been  a  mur  .  .  . 

Married  or  single? 

Single.    There's  been  a  .  .  . 

Ever  have  mumps,  scarlet  fever? 

No.    I've  been  robbed,  murdered  .  .  . 

Years  of  age? 

Robbery,  murder,  murDER,  MURDER,  MURDER! 

AW  right — what's  the  trouble  now? 

(Weak  voice  at  the  other  end) — Oh,  everything's  just 
fine  captain.  Just  wanted  to  see  how  you're  getting  along. 
Give  my  love  to  the  wife  and  kiddies,  goodbye. 

— Dartmouth  Jnck-o-Lantern. 


Hungry  Eskimos  eat  candles 
and  blubber 

Hungry  students  eat  ice- 
cream 


Whose? 


CHAMPAIGN 

Ice  Cream  Co. 


4175 


4176 


We  were  walking  through  the  park  the  other  night. 
Just  ahead  of  us  was  Andy.  A  bum  stopped  him.  "Can't 
you  help  a  poor  fellow?"  he  said,  "I  only  got  a  dime." 

"Naw,"  said  Andy,  "but  I'll  match  you  for  it." 

— Shvtisher. 


Dormitory  Dick  says:  "When  I  came  here  last  fall  I 
used  to  bathe  every  night  to  keep  from  getting  the  sheets 
dirty.     Now  I  bathe  every  morning." — j\l.  I.  T.  Woo  Doo. 

S 

We  saw  our  roommate's  dream  girl  the  other  night.  Yeh. 
And  from  now  on,  we're  going  to  see  to  it  that  he  doesn't 
eat  anything  heavy  before  he  goes  to  sleep ! 

— Boston  Beanpot. 


Head  Cook :     Didn't  I  tell  you  to  notice  when  the  soup 
boiled  over? 

Assistant:     I  did.     It  was  half  past  ten. — Texas  Rant/rr. 


Wliy  are  Scotchmen  so  close-mouthed? 

Silence  is  golden.  — Arizona  Kitty-Katl. 


Holiday  Number 


31 


Prof,  (diiniuj  ixuin):  Yiiuny  /nan,  ivhal  do  yon  litivf  to 
stiy  about  that  ivritiiiff  on  your  cuff.' 

Young  man:  Isn't  it  terrible  the  nay  the  laundry  treats 
one's  shirts?  — .Arizona  Kitty  hat. 


DER  TAG 

"The  time  will  come,"  thundered  the  lecturer  on 
woman's  rights,  "when  women  will  get  men's  wages!  " 

"Yes,"  said  the  meek  little  man  in  the  rear  seat.  "Next 
Saturday  night."  — Alabama  Rammer  Jammer. 

S 

"Waiter,  bring  me  two  eggs,  friend  on  one  side  but  not 
too  hard,  toast  with  plenty  of  butter,  canteloupe  not  too  ripe 
but  ripe  enough,  and  coffee  with  just  a  little  cream." 

"And  how  will  you  ha\e  your  water?" 

— Arizona  Kitty-Kat. 


Limerick 

A  man  with  a  talkative  wife 

Eats  his  alphabet  soup  with  a  knife 

He  admits  he'd  as  soon 

Eat  the  soup  with  a  spoon 

But-this-way-he-can-get-a-few-words-in-edgewise. 

End  of  Limerick 
— Dartmouth  Jack-o-Lantern. 


Sigma  Chi  (supporting  flag  pole) :    I'll  have  you  knoiv- 
-hie-hic,  that  I'm  part  of  the  Standard  Oil  Company." 
Tuscallosa  Cop;    "And  what  part  are  youf" 
Sig  Chi:     "Hie — one  of  the  tanks." 

— Alabama  Rammer  Jammer. 


Famous  Contributions  to  Mankind 

China,  hand  laundrys. 

Greece,  cigars,  cigarettes,  and  candy  stores. 

Italy,  Sh !    The  revenue  officers  may  hear. 

Palestine,  old  clothes. 

Brazil,    aw   nuts!  — (Jomell   U  idoiv. 


Jim :    What's  college  bred.  Dad  ? 

Dad  (whose  son  is  at  Drexel)  :  They  make  college 
bred,  my  boy,  from  the  flour  of  youth  and  the  dough  of  old 
age.  — Drexel  Institute  Drexerd. 


There  has  been  a  question  that  has  been  bothering  us 
for  a  long  time  that  we's  been  unable  to  solve  so  we  are 
going  to  pass  it  on  to  you — If  a  man  named  coffee  married 
a  woman  named  pot  would  their  children  be  perculators? 

— lona  Frivol. 


Say. . . 
''Merry  ChjHstmas*' 

With  Jewelry  from  Our  Store 
Make  Your  Selections  Now 

Following  our  usual  custom  we  have 
arranged  a  plan  for  reserving  early 
selections  until  wanted,  thereby  giving 
our  customers  all  the  advantages  of 
buying  from  fresh,  new  stocks,  with 
courteous  service. 

Take  advantage  of  this  plan.  Every  depart- 
ment abounds  in  new  choice  designs  and  out- 
standing values. 


CARL  W.  IMOUCH 


Mouch's  Comer 


no  North  Neil 


PICTURES 


ARE 

INDISPENSIBLE 

SUCCESSFUL 
PUBLICATION 


Etchir»,<Kr~» 

Phot'o-'EnovtW>inps 

Colo  nptat^vp 


G.RGRUBBeCO 

.,       ENGRAVEftS      ^ 

CHAMPAIGN, 

>-       ILLINOIS.      ^ 


32 


The  SIREN 


I' 


Th 


ere 


are 

TOO  MANY 
WOMEN 

•  Katharine  Brush  has  written  the  saga  of  a  profes- 
sional hfe-guard.   ■ 

A  tea-brown  giant  in  a  brief  gray  suit,  he  followed  the 
sun  and  the  sun-burned  swimmers  North  in  summer  and 
South  in  winter.  His  profile,  like  a  head  for  a  coin, 
belonged  against  a  background  of  beach  and  beach 
umbrellas  and  bright  silk  beach  pajamas — and  women. 
Women's  eyes  were  always  on  him,  but  his  blue  gaze 
was  not  to  be  held  for  long  ....  And  then  he  met 
Ruby  in  a  hot  little  Inland  town  where  there  was  no 
sea,  no  sand,  no  nothing — just  a  girl  with  yellow 
hair  and  violet  eyes.  Just  one  girl,  when  there  were 
a  hundred  million  in  the  world. 

A  Complete  Novelette  by 

KATHARINE 
BRUSH 

One  oF  the  grandest  oF  a  series  oF  grand  stories  this 
writer  has  done  For  Collese  Humor,  in  the  next  issue. 

Colle^eHumor 

MAGAZINE 


\Vi-  don't  realize  how  lucky  we 
arc  that  boo/.c  dofsn't  govern  the 
world.  A  corkscrew  would  make  a 
niisihty  poor  ruler. 

— U'dshiiii/lon    I'.   Dirt/r. 


-S- 


Figg:  "What  do  you  think  of  my 
argument  before  the  lodge  last  night, 
Fogg  ? 

Fogg:  "It  was  sound — very  sound 
—  (  Figg  is  delighted) — nothing  but 
sound,  in  tact." — The  Lthujh  Burr. 


-S- 


On  the  stage  it's  personality. 
( )n  the  Row  it's  purse-onality. 
— Alalxima  Rtiniiner  Jniiniur. 


-S- 


The  rumble  seat  isn't  entirely 
modern  after  all.  Recently  a  skeleton 
of  a  woman  with  her  legs  wrapped 
around  her  neck  was  discovered. 

— Kansas  Sour  Old. 


Co-ed  :     Doctor,  take  a  look  at  my 
knee. 

Doc:     Nothing  apparently  wrong. 
Co-ed:     Yeh.  but  ain't  it  a  peach. 
— loiva  Frivo/. 


Jtft(V(-ffC- 


"Merrie    Christiiias    :nul    a    Hiipp.v    Noo 
Year." 


c 


ONFIDENCE 
in  DIAMONDS 


The  confidence  of  our  customers  is  the  reward 
of  our  reputation.  To  assure  this  prestige,  we 
feature  Bluebird  Registered  Diamonds  for 
those  who  demand  quahty  diamonds. 


WUESTEMAN 


Jewelry    Store 


BLUEBIRD 

A'  e  g  i  s  t  e  r  c  d 

DIAMOND  RINGS 


Smart   and    Chic 
in  the  $50  assortment 


Gay   and   Lovely 
from    the    $100    display 


14  Main  Street 


Champaign,  Illinois 


Sparkling   ( 
l^rom  the  grinip   at 


DCDans 


XTCUUURE 


How  to  Reform  Your  Form 

by  OSCAR  PRATT,  M.  D. 


A  Good  Neck  for 
Personality 

hy  CARL  TRILLIAMS 


A  New  College  Uprising 

bv  CLAIRE  GESSLER 


Seducing  the  Public 

by  DR.  PHIL  ROX,  R.  S.  V.  P. 


Telling  Your  Children 
About  Sex 

by  PROF.  AL  KWALE 


BURNARD  MAGGADAM'S 

stirring  new 
EDITORIAL 


FOUR 


two -bits 


I  he  most  efficient  way  of 
shutting  off  the  blues  since  they  first  put 
switches  on  radios  .  .  .  cigarettes 
that  really  SATISFY/ 


MILDER  .  .  AND  BETTER     TASTE 


1 1930  Liggett  &  Myfrs  Tobacco  Co. 


Phvsical  Ciiltnri 


Portraits 

By  Photography 

For  those  who  are  discriminating 
enough  to  want  only  the  best 


The  Hoyt  Studios 

ASK  TO  SEE  OUR 


SPECIAL  OFFERS 


KENNETH  EUGENE  FREDERICK 

623  East  Green  Street 
Champaign 


Mr.  Frederick  personally  makes  each  sitting 


'/■/iiSIRF.N 


Daniels  ^Shoaff 

FraternitN  Letter  Shop 


Typing,  Mimeographing 
Printing,  Maihng 


Sixth  and  Green 
Above  Spalding  Drug  Go. 


Fifty-Fifty 

Fatlu'i':  "-M\'  ;ms\\cr  (lc|n-ii(ls  upon  Noiir  )in:inci:il 
position." 

Suitor:  "Ami    my    tiii;iiu'i:il    position    depends   oji    your 

answer."  — I liiii'iii/l   L/i//i/>'/riii. 

S 


Junior:     1  feel  like  an  old  man. 
Soph :     How  come? 

Juiiioi':      I   just   heard   a   frosh   telling  about   the   tilings 
he  used  to  do  when  lie  was  a  kid. —  (  '.  of   I'lx/is  L'l/ir/h'ii  n. 


Guest:     I  sure  am  thirsty. 
Hostess:     I'll  get  you  some  water. 
Guest:     I  said  thirsty,  not  dirty. 

— U.  of  Ktmstis  Sour  On!. 


"I  hear  you  shot  your  way  out  ol  jail?" 
"IJh,    huh;   one   shot   of   my    hipior   .ind    e\ery   guard    I 
came  to  passed  out  cold."  I^i//  I'luithn . 


Tourist  (looking  at  Venus  dc  Milo)  :  One  thing  those 
old  Greeks  had  on  us;  when  they  talked  disarmament,  they 
disarmed.  — Cornell  JVidoiv. 


When  you  are  downtown  or  after  the 
show  drop  in  at  the  NEW 

Lily  Cafe 

DINE— DANCE 


Iu)itntii'ni  Liniclics 


ORCHESTRA 
E^  ery  Sunday  Afternoon 

J  list  re  model  I'd  and  firzc  dame 
floor  added 


South  Neil  Street 


(Champaign 


Pete:    What  does  Mr.  Murphy  do  foi-  a  living? 
Re-pete:     Oh,  he's  a  fine  guy. 
Pete:     Whatcha  mean  "fine"  guy? 
Re-pete:     A   fellow  who  sits  on   the   bench   and   hears 
the  cases,  you  know,  a  judge.  — (joh/ntc  Hunter. 

S 


Happy:     I  kissed  that  girl  last  night. 

Hooligan:     Did  she  like  it? 

Happy:     Sure!     She  even  told  the  ilean  about  it. 

— Ohio  Green  Goat. 


"How's  your  sandwich?" 

"A\\fid !      This   liam    must   have   been   cured    by   auto- 
suggestion." — IJashington   U.  Dirge. 


The  school  girl  who  used  to  say,  "Aw,  come  on  and 
let  me  chew  your  gum  until  recess!"  now  sa\s,  "Say,  boy 
friend,  gimme  a  drag  off  that  Camel  before  the  damn  bell 
rings!"  — North  Dakota  Met  Hen. 


Sign  in  small  town  barber  shop: 

Whiskers  pushed,  pulled,  driven,  or  cut.     Absolute  sat- 
isfaction guaranteed  or  whiskers  refunded.       — Battalion. 


Physical  Culture 

To   the   type   of   mind    that  exults   in 


ff 


high  adveiiture^^ 


^      The  teleplioue  lias  taken  wing!    Au<l  Western  Electric  men — work- 


ing hand  in  hand  with  leadiu*;  airlines — are  finding  high  adventure 


Storm     warnings     on 

the  wing  —  a  new  use       in  helping  to  solve  the  prolilenis  of  roniniiinication  so  vital  to  that 

of  the  telephone 

growing  indnstry  .  .  .  Western   £lectric''s  knowledge  of  voice   transmission  equipment 


manufacture,  gained  through  fifty  years  of  making  Bell  telephones,  is  constantly  hein^ 


applied  to  new  uses  in  step  with  the  times.    The   airplane  radio  telephone  is  hut  one 
example  of  this  policy  .  .  .  Here  is  a  nation-wide  business  that   looks 

eagerly  for  new  fields  and  for   the   new  and   better  wav  of  serving 

Bell  boxes  moulded 
oj  powdered  phenol 
plastic — a  new  way 

old  ones.  For  men  of  pioneering  bent,  here  is  high  adventure  indeed !  product 


Western  Electric 

Manufacturers     Vurchasers     V>istributors 

SINCE     1882     FOR    ^n       THE     BELL     SYSTEM 


The  SIREN 


Pul>lisheil    monthly    bv    the    Illini    Publishing    Company,     U 
Entered  as   second-class  matter  at  the   Post-Office  at    Urban 
Office    of    publication.    Illini    Publishing    Company.      Sub.scri 
nainiratiuns,    Illini, is    r.unn    HuiklinK.   C'banipaiyn.    llUnnis.      (-..p; 
rights   granted  to  (pUgtHumOr  magazine. 


sity    of    Illinois,    during    the    college    year. 

■nois,   bv   act   of   Congress,    March   3,    1879. 

price    $1.00    the    year.      Address    all 

ht.    l''.!l,   liN     The   Siri-n.      Kxclusivt-  re 


The  Physical  Culture  '\ umber 


III  thi.s  issue  the  SIREN  presents  its  own  collosal  takeoff  on  Physical  Culture.  We  offer  all  manner 
of  apologies  to  Mr.  MacFadden  and  any  others  concerned.  We  hope  that  tlicre  will  be  no  offense  at  an\ 
of  our  innocent  attempts  at  humor. 

It  would  not  have  been  possible  to  put  out  svich  an  issue  without  the  help  of  a  great  number  of  people. 
Among  tho.se  who  are  responsible  for  its  success  are  Al  Niess,  Wayne  Morgan,  Catherine  Haynie,  Joyce 
Newbill,  Lars  Halvorsen,  Henry  Avery,  Rill  Amsler,  Ted  Griesenaucr,  Doug  Frost,  and  David  Jones.  The 
fine  cover  is  the  work  ot    Harold    iiowcn. 


Fhvsical  (J  nit  tire 


DON'T 


be  an 

ASS! 


No  matter  how  hopeless  your  case  may  seem  —  send  for  free  Voice  Book. 
Don't  bray  like  the  Gentleman,  above,  don't  squeal  at  your  friends,  don't 
croak  when  you  attempt  to  speak,  don't  limit  your  voice  to  a  few  —  increase 
your  range  —  banish  huskiness  and  hoarseness.  Eliminate  putting  pebbles  in 
your  mouth  like  Demosthenes.  Be  a  second  Cicero,  Burke,  Pat  Henry,  or 
Wang. 


y 


\. 


Your  Case 

May  be  nothing  to 
speak  of,  but 

Take  No  Chances 

send  in  the  coupon 

Hurry!  Hurry! 


\ 


Mail  Coupon  Today! 
y    _ — _ 

^H  Imperfect  I  oice  Institute 

W  I     Chiomega  Hovel 

\i       I     Please     send    me,    with    obligations, 
^^     '     Prof.  Fechinger's  new  book.     Check 
desired  subject. 


/" 


Weak  Voice 

Yodelling      Sputtering 

Name 

Position 

Lady? 

-_  Gentleman? 

J 


The  SIREN 


SUN 

MON 

TUES 

WED 

THU 

FRI 

^ 

•"Si. 

('Cy. 

<«!a- 

<■<»- 

1 

2 

3 

4 

S 

6 

7 

8 

9 

10 

11 

12 

13 

14 

\5 

16 

17 

18 

19 

20 

21 

22 

23 

24 

25 

26 

27 

28 

29 

30 

31 

Give 

Me... 


31  DAYS  and  I  will 
develop  your  mus- 
cles or  bust! 

— A  nnette  Fvllcrmau 


How  would  you  like  to  have  a  figure  that 
would  rival  the  German  war  debt  in  prom- 
inence? How  would  you  like  to  have  a  load 
taken  oft  your  chest?  How  many  inches 
would  you  like  to  have  taken 
oft'  your  hips,  legs,  and  arms? 
In  thirty-one  days  I  can  prove 
to  you  why  I  am  the  beauti- 
ful, shapely  woman  that  I  am. 
Through  methods  developed 
by  myself  I  have  kept  my 
beautiful  figure  for  fifty  years. 
I  have  made  myself  and  I  can 
do  the  same  for  you.  40,000 
women  of  every  weight,  age 
and  ideas  have  been  benefited 
by  these  methods. 

Why  should  you  fear  obesity 
in  any  shape,  manner,  or 
form?  Or  if  you  have  rings 
under  your  eyes,  are  troubled 
with  warts,  have  a  sallow  com- 
plexion just  send  in  the 
coupon  for  my  free  booklet, 
whether  Miss  or  Mrs.  You  owe  it  to  your- 
self and  your  husband  to  have  a  figure  that 
he  would  be  proud  to  display  to  all  those  who 
are  skeptically  inclined. 

And  it's  fun  this  new  easy  way.  Just 
twenty  hours  a  da'y  and  in  thirty  or  forty 
years  >ou  can  start  in  to  sleep  and  eat  regu- 
larly. I  allow  you  plenty  of  indulgences,  no 
diets,  drugs  or  pills.  Your  husband  or  lover 
will  be  pleased  and  that  in  itself  is  incentive 
enough.     Send  coupon  Now  ! 


Please    state 


.\nnette  Fellerman  Inc. 
Sweet  86,  Alfazee  Shack 

l>c;ir  Aniiic:     I   uaiil   In  Insc 
liDiinds. 


--[ 


liK'liniitiun:; 

\>ars   in   college- 


.J 


Fehnuiry  Examitis 

.\nd  Other  Oncstions  from  Health  Seekers 

(Conducted  b>-   liurnhard  Macadam's 

l.iltlc  Pal 

(Jiiiitioii:  K\fi\  tiiiK-  I  Mt  down,  1  Iumi  tiniji\  r;ittliiig 
noises  in  my  head.  My  toenails  tingle  and  my  nose  itches,  1 
lia\e  a  coat  on  my  tongue  and  my  breath  comes  in  short 
pants.  Life  has  become  vnibearabic.  Neither  my  husband 
or  I   have  any  cliihlren.     What  shall   I   do? 

Ansjicr:  I  wovild  suggest  sitting  up  exercises  fifteen 
minutes  a  day.  A  good  exercise  for  developing  the  neck 
goes  as  follows:  Sit  on  the  back  of  a  chair,  resting  the  fore- 
liead  on  a  ladiator.  If  hot,  open  the  window  and  call  off 
your  (late  for  that  night.  Wrap  feet  thoroughly  in  warm 
flannels  and  wiggle  toes  from  left  to  right.  Throw  right 
arm  around  left  rung  of  chair,  deep  breathely  and  hold 
breath  for  thirty  minutes.  If  eyes  begin  to  pop  out  of  head 
use  Murine  for  the  eyes.  Without  moving,  call  up  the  Lily 
Cafe.  If  the  line  is  busy  try  Hoyt's  Studio  and  ask  to  have 
a  picture  taken.  If  the  answer  is  negative,  think  nothing  of 
it.  Go  into  a  dark  room  and  develop  yourself.  If  you 
aren't  dead  by  this  time,  your  constitution  doesn't  need 
amcrKhii".     If  \ou  arc,  don't  bother  to  read  this. 


Oiicstinii :  I  am  suffering  from  fallen  arches  and  am 
unable  to  attend  bridge  parties  the  way  I  usta.  My  legs 
wobble  and  shake  the  table  so  that  my  partners  have  to 
hang  on  for  dear  life.     What  shall  I  do? 

Miss  I  ma  Sapp. 

Aiisucr:  Wy  suggestion,  Ima,  would  be  to  change  from 
bridge  parties  to  beach  parties.  Bridges  are  so  shaky  in 
these  days  of  unsupport  that  they  have  become  absolutely 
undependable  and  their  arches  are  apt  to  fall  any  minute. 
As  for  your  W'obbly  legs,  they're  beyond  me.  Ever  since  I 
referred  to  my  girl's  legs  as  Alpha  Xi  pins,  I  have  been 
disillusioned.  But  I  digress.  Getting  back  to  yoin'  legs, 
let  me  say  that  there  is  nothing  like  a  good  alcohol  rub. 

Qiustioii:  It  was  while  I  was  having  the  seven  year  itch 
for  the  sixth  time  that  I  fell  in  love  with  a  radio  announcer 
from  Watkins  Glen.  Just  last  week  I  discovered  that  he 
is  not  only  a  bigamist  but  a  professional  sword  jwallower 
in  his  spare  moments.     What  would  you  advise? 

AnsjLtr:  It  is  generally  unsafe  for  a  person  with  a  float- 
ing kidney  to  take  a  bath  in  salt  water.  It  is  strongly  recom- 
mended that  \()u  consult  a  quack  at  once.  Try  reading  light 
fiction  and  eating  se\eial  ripe  baniuias  befoie  retiring. 


(Jiics/iiiii :  My  son,  Theabald,  has  a  tendenc\  to  o\er- 
cat.  Here  at  home  I  can  regulate  his  diet,  but  next  \ear 
lie'll  be  lca\ing  for  college.     What  can  I  do  about  this? 

.Iiisnri  :  Ha\e  him  join  a  fraternitN — an\'  time  after 
rlu'   tirst   week. 


I!    Physical  Culture 


Reducing  the  Public 


Tlic  Kit!  was  a  gentleman  of 
parts.  lie  was  the  type  that  came 
C.  O.  D.  knocked  dovv^n  and  was  a 
set  up  every  other  Saturday  night  at 
the  B.  ().  cSc  H.  Athletic  club.  He 
looked  like  everything  but  a  prize 
tighter  which  he  sure  wasn't,  him 
always  being  on  the  receiving  end  of 
everything  but  the  heavy  side  of  the 
cash  and  the  decision.  Most  brethren 
of  the  embattled  profession  would 
have  had  recourse  to  the  bottle.  Not 
the  Kid.  His  was  a  case — and  I 
soKed  it. 

It  was  while  1  was  easing  the 
pains  and  pockets  of  ailing  burghers 
out  in  Xcw  Rochelle  with  the  Aztec 
System — now  there  was  an  athletic 
appliance  that  worked  wonders.  I 
even  hooked  the  chief  of  poh'ce  and 
two  part  time  detectives  before  some 
one  discovered  that  the  system  was 
oidy  a  device  to  make  the  doorbell 
and  telephone  ring  just  as  the  house- 
holder slipped  into  his  bath.  It  was 
there  I  heard  Illinois  was  the  Sucker 
state  so  I  crammed  a  few  hoofcnan- 
nies  into  a  bag  and  beat  it. 

The  Kid  was  m\  first  customer.  I 
had  just  finished  hanging  a  faded  and 
framed  1902  Utah  fishing  license 
when  he  and  his  manager  came  in. 
There  was  more  difference  between 
that  fullhouse  and  measerly  duce 
than  tli<-  unkissed  Delta  Zeta  and 
an\'  two  Z.  T.  A's.  The  little  guy,  1 
see  he's  the  Kid,  slouches  over  and 
interrogates  if  I'm  the  doctor.  Now 
I've  been  tiaveling  this  coLintrv  for 
a  long  time  and  I  got  my  education 
from  a  couple  of  Phi  Mu's.  This 
runt  asks  me  if  I'm  the  doctor.  Me, 
who  can  convince  anybody  into  a  case 
of  acute  heart  disease  or  indigestion 
almost  as  easy  as  keeping  a  certain 
sorority  girl  out  after  hours.  And  I 
can    relieve   them   of   it   quicker    thaji 


DR.  PHIL  ROX,  R.  S.  V.  P. 


hanging  a  frat  pin  at  the  Kap|i.i 
Delt  house.  Only  time  I  ever  failed 
was  with  a  T.  P.  A.  who  accused — 
well,  she  made  it  so  hot  for  me  I  had 
to  beat  it  and  leave  behind  four 
second  hand  Deke  pins — found  in  a 
pawn  shop — hung  on  a  Pify,  a 
Kappa,  a  Chiomega,  and  one  of 
Hanle\'s  waitresses. 

"Dr.,"  stutters  the  little  sawed  off 
and  splintered  two  by  four  (the  Kid 
had  been  a  heavyweight  before  they 
battered  him  down  and  now  he  had 
to  hire  a  heavy  thumbed  butcher  as 
manager  so  he'd  be  able  to  weigh 
enough  to  enter  the  gnat  weight 
division). 

"Dr.,"  he  sighs  again,  looking  as 
mournful  as  a  Delta  Gamma  dating 
a  Sigfisig  who  don't  feel  the  urge, 
"what's  good  for  headache,  spots  be- 
lore  the  eyes — " 

"I  know,  1  know,"  I  interrupts 
solenudy.     "It  is  indebitatus  non  as- 


READ  THIS 

before  consultin)« 

YOUR  FIZZICIAN 


sumpsit,  one  of  the  more  deadly 
forms  of  the  fatal  anecdote  poisoning. 
\  ou  probably  got  it  sucking  cokes 
through  a  public  straw.  I  almost 
got  hooked  tliat  way  once  myself." 

So  I  pulls  out  a  handful  of 
theiniometers  and  sticks  one  under 
his  tongue.  I  let  it  stay  there  for 
about  a  half  hour  in  order  to  keep 
up  the  professional  appearance.  Be- 
sides, he'd  be  sure  to  get  fidgety  and 
run   up  the  heat  a  tlegree. 

"Uni-er-ah,"  I  declares  after 
awhile,  rubbing  my  jaw  anil  looking 
at  the  08.0  he'd  run  \ip  ;nid  adding 
five  oji  account  of  him  prob.ably 
ha\  ing  |iut  a  piece  of  ice  in  his  mouth 
just  to  fool  me. 

"But-t-t-t,  Dr. — "  says  he  I 
dropped  the  finis  part  of  an  El  Snipo 
into  my  pocket  and  got  generally 
bothered  before  I  saw  he  wasn't  ac- 
cusing me.  "There  ain't  no  butts, 
man,"  sa\s  I,  "but  you  got  here  just 
in  time  for  the  secret  treatment  I've 
never  known  to  work — fail  to  work, 
I  mean." 

I  yells  for  the  stenographer  \\\ 
hired  for  appearances  (her  appear- 
ances, I  mean)  and  started  dictating 
a  lot  of  dangling  participles  which 
she  loops  onto  a  notebook  in  short- 
hand. Then  I  asks  the  Kid  to 
undre.ss,  and  noticing  that  him  and 
the  stenographer  are  getting  embar- 
rassed, I  realized  they  weren't  college 
students  so  took  him  into  the  operat- 
ing room  and  gave  him  ether. 

"Flither  you  take  my  new,  amaz- 
ing bodv  bin'lding  course  which  can 
build  up  your  Tri  Delt  resistance, 
give  you  biceps  as  big  as  your  arm, 
and  make  you  as  tireless  as  a  Dean's 
sp\  or  you'll  develop  the  last  stages 
of  acidosis,  bow  legs,  falling  hair, 
unemployment,  and  matrimony,  not 
(Continued  on  Payc  31 J 


yV/rSIKKN 


Telling  your 
Children 
about  Sex 


hv  Prof.  Al  knalc 


The  problfin  of  tcUiiif;  \our  kiiis  about  ,sc\  lias  become  a 
serious  one.  The  poor  mother  is  torn  between  two  alterna- 
tives, that  of  coming  right  out  with  the  truth  about  the 
stork,  or  beating  around  the  bush  and  stalling  them  off  for 
seven  years.  Kither  method  is  good.  It's  just  sex  of  one  or 
half  a  dozen  of  the  other.  How  would  you  like  to  be  a 
mother  of  thirteen  children  aiul  ha\e  them  sit  at  your  feet 
with  the  query,  "Mother,  what  about  it?  Let's  have  the 
dope."  Put  yourself  in  the  mother's  place  with  those  ex- 
pectant children  waiting  for  an  answer.  What  would  you 
say? 

This  problem  is  as  old  as  Solomon  and  even  exists  in  the 
animal  kingdom.  What  a  dilemma  the  mother  stork  is 
thrown  into  when  her  offspring  asks,  "Mother,  where  did 
I  come  from?" — and  you  know  very  well  that  it  must  em- 
barrass her  to  say,  "Why,  my  child,  the  stork  brought  you." 
So  for  the  good  of  future  degenerates  let  us  adopt  a  code  of 
ethics  that  will  leave  no  one  in  doubt  as  to  your  ideas. 

When  your  child  is  two  years  old,  pin  a  Delta  Zeta 
pledge  button  on  it  (I  say  "it,"  because  at  this  age  the  child 
is  obviously  unacquainted  with  sex).  Then  at  3  every 
morning  shout  "sex"  at  it.  In  this  manner  it  will  grow  up 
and  always  associate  Delta  Zeta  and  sex.  This  is  a  start, 
though  the  child  will  still  have  vague  ideas  (especially 
about  Delta  Zetas). 

When  the  brat  is  three,  take  it  for  a  stroll  in  the  garden. 
Show  it  two  lilies,  pull  off  all  the  petals  and  hand  it  a  patter 
like  this,  "These,  my  child,  represent  the  sexes,  male  sex 
(pointing  to  one),  female  sex  (pointing  to  the  other)  and 
insects  (flicking  off  a  stray  lady-bug).  Permitting  the  use 
of  a  simile,  we  are  lilies  and  you  are  a  pansy."  (At  this 
moment  pluck  a  pansy  and  exhibit).  The  pansy  really  has 
nothing  to  do  with  sex,  as  most  pansies  are  sex  less.  How- 
ever, a  slug  or  two  thrown  in  will  help  it  remember. 

As  the  child  reaches  the  age  of  four,  take  it  for  a  walk 
in  the  moonlight  and  let  it  look  at  the  heavenly  bodies. 
(Note:  This  is  not  a  pun  on  the  Pi  Phis).  Don't  show  it 
the  Big  Dipper  as  one  woman  did  to  her  child.     The  little 


Can  this  tender  urchin  face  life? 


brat  squinted  at  the  constellation  and  chirped,  "The  Big 
Dipper  hell,  that  doesn't  look  like  the  guy  that  baptized 
me."  In  this  way  he  was  thrown  off  the  subject  of  sex 
and  in  later  years  became  a  Sig  Ep.  As  the  child  becomes 
accustomed  to  the  forms  of  the  stars,  take  it  to  Hollywood 
and  sign  it  up  for  life.  Then  it  won't  need  to  know  about 
sex. 

Then  give  the  kid  a  break,  and  don't  mention  sex  until 
it  comes  to  you  with  that  puzzled  look  in  its  eyes  and  says, 

"Mother,  where  in  hell ?"      (Editor's  note  to  the 

Typesetter:  What's  the  idea  of  letting  out  the  theme  song 
in  that  last  sentence?  Now  1  ha\e  to  do  it  all  over  again). 
"Mother,  where  in  hell ?  ' 

This  marks  the  crisis,  and  the  child  must  be  told  in  just 
so  many  words.  With  pencil  and  paper  in  hand  sit  down 
and  give  them  an  example  like  this.  "If  a  starving  frog  is 
sitting  in  the  middle  of  a  ri\er  with  food  on  one  bank  and 
his  wife  on  the  other,  where  will  he  jump?  "  You  take  ad- 
\aiitage  of  the  child's  knowledge  of  psychology  and  believe 
that  he  realizes  that  hunger  is  a  stronger  motive  than  sex. 
If  the  child  answers  in  this  wi.se,  "He'll  hop  over  to  the  old 
lady,"  your  problem  is  complete  and  the  child  already  knows 
enough.  If  it  hesitates  and  says  "to  the  food,"  then  is  the 
time  to  punish  it  for  being  greedy  and  thinking  of  nothing 
but  food.  However,  if  the  child  answers  nothing  at  all, 
your  problem  is  also  over.  The  child  will  be  a  moron  and 
nothing  can  stop  it. 


Physical  Culture 


A  new 

College 
Uprising 

/;.v  Claire  Ciessler 


The  world  is  trembling  uniler  the 
sway  of  students.  Whenever,  you 
open  a  paper  the  headlines  jump  out 
towards  you,  shrieking  that  you  men 
of  institutions  want  what  they  want. 
Ill  Hrazil,  Peru,  Spain,  Montenegro, 
and    other   World     Romers     the   stu- 


Little  Elmer  o>ie-armiiii<  it  to   his  eii^ht  a'chick. 


"U'e  have  )i<i  tihjection  to  sliuJs  jar  student  drivinji  so 
long  as  they  carry  I',  of  I.  licenses  and  the  drivers  have  been 
examined  by  the  Health  Service  Station,"  said  the  Dean  oj 
Men  when  questioned  yesterday. 


dents  take  an  active  hand  in  correct- 
ing governments,  kicking  out  defunct 
politicians  and  insisting  on  better 
beer. 

We,  the  students  of  Illinois,  are 
also  following  this  modern  trend. 
Too  long  have  we  suffered  under  the 
shackles  of  a  tyrranical  dean's  office. 
()ur  individuality  has  been  curbed 
and  our  beautifid  illusion  of  college 
is  busted.  The  ban  on  driving  has 
irked  us  to  the  soul  and  caused  us 
to  dissipate  in  local  confectionaries. 
This  is  now  over  —  the  inventive 
mind  of  that  canny  Siren  Editor  has 
given  another  birth.  His  idea  of 
using  sleds  to  and  from  classes  is 
catching  on  head  over  heels.  Just 
think  of  the  thrill  of  pulling  your 
best  girl  to  class,  anil  of  scooting 
down  our  enormous  hills.  Accom- 
panying photos  show  Elmer  Blumen- 
kamp  and  Sissy  Stephens  on  the 
Hroadwalk.  Economic  transportation 
is  ours  for  the  taking;  in  addition  to 
all  that  our  physiques  and  bicepts 
will  be  marvelously  developed.  Who 
said  the  world  was  degenerating? 
Hell,  it  is  improving. 


U) 


r//<  SIREN 


How  to  reform  your  form 

^[For    Men    Only  ]^ 


(Editor's  note:  Dr.  Piatt  uiotc. 
"There's  Nothing  Like  Reducing  to 
Take  the  Starch  Out  of  a  Girl."  He 
is  the  man  who  puts  a  Ford  on  an 
18-day  diet  and  gets  an  Austin). 

Ever  since  a  Dutchman  by  the 
name  of  Van  Upenurp  crossed  a  silk 
hat  with  a  two-legged  footstool  and 
called  it  a  Dachund,  we've  had 
streamlining  and  free  toothpick  ad- 
vertising from  the  women.  C)\\y 
weight  matters  more  than  yovn' 
health  nowadays  (just  try  sitting  on 
your  own  lap  once)  ;  which  all  goes 
to  prove  that  quaint  old  adage,  "You 
can't  eat  your  cake  and  ha\e  "If" 
too. 

Let  me  illustrate  m\  reducing 
methods  with  a  case  from  history 
(the  last  case  that  I  bought  is  also 
history).  Two  weeks  ago  a  ver\ 
obese  woman  got  caught  in  the 
swinging  doors  on  her  way  into  m\ 
office.  With  the  aid  of  couple  of 
fallen  arches  from  the  foothills  and 
my  nurse,  who  had  gone  to  college 
and  knew  about  swinging  doors,  I 
finally  succeeded  in  convincing  my- 
self that  something  ought  to  be  done 
about   it. 

Approaching  the  lady  with  great 
trepidation.  I  remarked  hopefully, 
"Does  something  seem  wrong?  " 

"Can't  you  see  I'm  stuck  in  the 
door,  you  silly  old  such  and  such," 
she  returned,  playing  she  was  a  bit 
put  out.  (I've  been  thrown  out  of 
some  nice  places  myself,  but  I  never 
felt  put  out  like  that). 

For  the  next  half  hour  I  had  my 
hands  busy  wrapping  my  ears  around 
some  very  cutting  remarks.  Finally 
when  I  was  so  mad  that  I  was  just 
about  to  haul  off  and  leave  her  alone. 


liy  Dr.  Oscar  Pratt,  M.  D. 


Caught  in  the  swinging  doors. 


somebody  happened  by  in  the  hallway 
and  a  youngster's  happy  voice  cried, 
"Oh  Mama,  look  at  the  hippopota- 
mus trying  to  get  into  old  man 
Pratt's  butcher  shop." 

Well,  that  was  more  than  beef 
and  bone  can  stand ;  with  one  mighty 
heave  (passion  not  asthma),  the  old 
lady   pulled   half   the   building  down. 


Then,  being  a  woman  at  heart,  she 
immediately  proceeded  to  faint  and  ' 
nearly  died  doing  it.  Needless  to  say, 
1  pulled  her  through  (later  she  told 
me  that  it  took  three  doctors  and  a 
veterinary  to  pull  her  through  last 
time  she  got  stuck  in  a  door). 

But  I  must  not  forget  my  subject; 
the  only  reason  for  this  naive  little 
incident  is  to  warn  you  against  the 
swinging  doors  when  you  come  to 
my  office  in  the  near  future.  Let's 
see,  where  was  I  ;  I  had  just  suc- 
ceeded in  reviving  Mrs.  Pschaut  (the 
dear  lady's  name).  It  appears  that 
she  had  come  to  me  as  a  final  resort 
in  her  valiant  battle  against  that  un- 
seen enemy,  the  curse  that  creeps  on 
us  in  our  sleep,  Fat. 

My  Diagnosis  was  short  and  to  the 
point.  First,  I  asked  her  if  she  had 
used  the  telephone  in  the  corner  store 
lately.  Upon  her  affirmation  that 
she  had  done  so  the  day  before,  I 
knew  that  I  might  yet  effect  a  cure, 
for  by  scientific  research  I  have 
founil  that  if  a  person  is  too  fat  to 
enter  a  telephone  booth,  there's  no 
use  talking.  I  saw  that  I  was  con- 
fronted with  a  very  accute  case  of 
blimpulosis.  She  complained  of  shoot- 
ing pains,  and  she  didn't  have  any 
room  for  the  water  when  she  took  a 
bath.  Dry  cleaning  had  ruined  her 
complexion  to  the  extent  that  she  had 
to  have  her  face  lifted  every  month; 
(each  time  the  bill  came  it  fell 
again ) . 

All  in  all,  the  total  aspect  of  the 
case  was  decidedly  dubious  to  say 
the  least ;  nevertheless  I  resolved  to 
give  my  all  in  an  attempt  to  get  this 
poor  woman  out  of  the  side  show  and 
into  the  big  tent  where  the  girls 
don't  have  to  ride  elephants. 


Physical  Culture 


Age-Old   Relics   Discovered 

This  astounding  find  of  mid- 
ancient  spiritualism  was  located  in 
the  central  part  of  the  wilds  of  south 
campus,  by  an  infamous  archeological 
expech'tion  in  the  early  part  of  1931. 
The  lads  in  the  picnic  were  Gene 
Toiikoff,  Dick  Henderson,  Mcf'ar- 
land  and  Bernie  Meretsky.  The 
)i'oung  giant  posing  so  modestly  beside 
the  obelisk  diety  is  none  other  than 
Chuck  Frederick. 


Juliet  Connors  practices  for  queen  of  the  May  Fete. 


I  HI-  M<:\V  JOURN.ALISM  BUILDING 

Built,  with   modifications,  after   the   plans   for   the  new   Alpha   Chi   Omej<a 

House.    This  building  is  practical. 


77/r  SIRRN 


A  good  neck  for 

ersonality 


By  CARL  TKII.LIAMS 

A  Daring  Exfiosc  of  tlw  Problems 
of  the  Modern  (lirl 


P 


Dean  Verria  is  a  typical,  virile  American  girl.  A 
Siren  photographer  found  her  on  the  lookout  for  an 
errant  co-ed  in  the  Rock  Gardens. 


Mary  had  every  thing  doting  parents  could  give  her, 
including  a  husband  and  a  sport  roadster.  But  slowly  we 
all  saw  that  she  was  doomed  to  be  one  of  those  girls  who, 
after  their  first  burst  of  popularity  is  over,  must  resign 
themselves  to  the  bores  or  stay  at  home. 

Suddenly,  to  our  surprise,  she  became  the  belle  of  every 
b.ill.     The  men   literallv  were  about  her  in   swarms.     The 


otiu-r  gills,  alrhougii  irked  at  the  thought  of  having  to  admit 
their  curiosity  about  iiei-  nicthoils,  were  finallv  forced  to  ask 
about  them. 

"My  dears,"  she  said,  "It  was  so  simple.  I  was  reading 
the  Punny  papers  one  night  and  I  saw  a  picture  of  two 
giraffes,  and  it  came  to  ine  just  like  that.  1  couldn't  neck. 
The  rest  was  easy.  I  found  a  copy  of  .Mr.  MacCadam's 
magazine  in  the  library,  and  as  if  it  were  there  just  for  me, 
was  an  article  containing  just  what  I  wanted. 

"I'll  bet  i,ou  all  thought  it  was  just  like  learning  how 
to  swim,  didn't  \ou,  with  someone  just  throwing  \ou  into 
the  pond  and  \()u  either  coming  up  or  staving  down  there. 
So  did   1.     Once."     She  laughed. 

"It  isn't  as  easy  as  that,  you  have  to  get  a  little  personal- 
ity into  the  thing,  and  you  can  bet  that  if  you  already  don't 
have  a  darn  sight  more  of  it  than  any  of  us  have,  you  have 
to  do  a  little  experimental  and  research  work. 

"I  just  got  down  to  business,  and  in  less  than  a  week  I 
began  to  notice  that  I  was  getting  results.  I  was  no  longer 
the  last  one  to  be  asked  to  go  out  to  the  car  for  a  cigarette, 
but  the  first.  I  felt  that  I  had  achieved  something  that  first 
night  when  I  heard  Joe  Smithers,  whom  no  girl  has  ever 
landed  yet,  say,  'You  would  never  know  that  Mary  is  the 
same  girl.' 

"How  main  of  you  can  hang  by  your  teeth  from  the 
window  sill?"  She  pointed  an  accusing  finger  at  them. 
"How  many  of  you  get  enough  roughage? — anil  that  may 
be  considered  a  pun  if  you  think  it  is  good  enough. 

"You've  got  to  train,  and  train  hard  girls.  Sweets  are 
simply  out.  and  black  coffee  in  the  morning  is  best — unless 
you  substitute  tomato  juice.  At  least  an  hour  every  morn- 
ing should  be  spent  in  concentration  on  holds;  and  remem- 
iicr  in  connection  with  this  that  there  is  nothing  new  under 
the  sun.      Hut  get  all  the  old  ones  down  pat. 

"I  could  look  soulful  before  I  was  out  of  grade  school, 
l>ut  I  still  have  dilf'icult\  about  jmlging  at  what  part  of  the 
kiss  one  should  shut  her  eyes.  Know  your  man,  and  the 
rest  is  easy. 

"I  am  sure  that  if  you  give  a  decent  amount  of  time  to 
tlie  cause  \ou  will  get  satisfactory  results  for  your  efifort. 
.•\nd  by  the  way  girls,  the  article  I  read  is  in  the  November 
issue  of  Mr.   MacCadam's  magazine." 


Plivsicdl  (J II It  lire 


13 


Tim  Swain  after  giving 
his  last  shirt  for  the 
Senior  Presidency. 


Here  aiL'  tlufc  more  little  Kappa 
Delta  orphans  who  have  no  home. 
The>'  \\"ould  appreciate  a  nice  warm 


ii^ennel  with  fairly  good  food.  For 
further  particulars  as  to  pedigree  call 
the  Kappa  Delta  annex. 


Prof.  IVaiiey  explaining 
that  an  oyster  is  not  al- 
ways what  its  cracked  up 
to  be. 


ancient  history.  It  is  called  the 
Pied  Piper  of  Hamlin.  The  Pied 
Piper    is    to    be   seen    to   the    extreme 


iiylu.  rile  rats  are  lined  up  on  the 
Broadwalk  awaiting  the  starting 
signal  for  the  trip  to  the  Embarras 
River,  south  of  Tolono. 


14 


The  SIKKN 


Burn  hard  MacCadam's 

PERSON AL 

COLUMN 

Will  tin-  mail  who  insists  upon  ni\'  letmninji  his  pin 
please  come  to  see  me  at  once?  1  am  still  at  the  annex, 
Freddie.  Also  I  want  to  see  Jimmy  Fry  next  week  at 
three  o'clock.     Address  Kay  Cox,  Altatce  house. 

If  there  is  anyone  interested  in  teaching  people  the  cor- 
rect (Emily  Post)  method  of  eating  peas  "por  media  de"  a 
knife  when  attending  fraternity  banquets  (tilings  that  ne\er 
happen),  see  Arnie  Reisner,  Alfakiro. 

All  women  interested  in  offering  cake  and  cookies  and 
home-stolen  sandwiches  to  men,  kiiuih'  address  Betty 
Setchell,  Kappa  house. 

Hear!  Hear!  For  the  good  of  mankind  in  general  (or 
in  private)  I  will  demonstrate  at  any  time  you  say  the  good 
work  just  exactly  how  to  develop  the  bust.  All  ladies  (cut 
that  stuff)  call  Dick  Horrall  at  the  Sigmafisigma  house. 


Engineeriii)^  Feats  of  the  Future 

The  adjoining  artists  conception  gives  the  latest  idea  of 
a  new  bridge  crossing  the  bigger  and  better  Honeyard 
(about  2020  A.  D.)  connnecting  Champaign  and  Urbana. 
Science  tells  us  that  this  swirling  torrent  was  once  a  daint\ 
brook  tinkling  through  the  pastures  of  a  country  college. 
This  is  now  all  changed,  the  college  was  moved  to  Taylor- 
ville  to  make  room  for  this  marvelous  creation  of  man. 
They  say  it  was  built  to  relieve  the  depression.  It  did.  .Ml 
the  students  quit  school  to  work  on  it;  a  year  after  they 
were  all  married  and  happily  engaged  in  raising  kids  to 
work  on  the  bridge.  Colleges  went  out  of  style  and  now  we 
are  a  much  healthier  race. 


Filling  a  man's  place  in  the  world. 

S 

The  art  of  love!  Magic  sentence  as  it  may  seem,  it  is 
possible  of  attainment  through  ni\  own  instruction  book 
which  will  be  sent  free  of  charge.  No  references  needed. 
Call  Lee  Kruggel,  Sigpi. 

How  to  make  good  in  three  parts  dining  your  stay  at 
the  University  is  the  thing  more  young  women  of  today 
nwA  to  battle  the  cruel  world,  becau,se  there  are  more  ways 
tlian  one  to  get  the  old  "M-R-S"  degree.  For  information 
call,  Danny  Sullivan  at  the  Sigpi  house. 
»  ».  *  * 

If  anyone  wants  to  know  how  to  go  right  up  and  meet 
pcDplc  without  that  inward  feeling  of,  "Gee,  am  I  doing 
right  imder  the  circumstances,"  just  step  to  the  phone  and 
call  Dotty  O'Connor  at  the  T.  P.  A.  house.  She'll  tell 
\ou.      (What?) 

"Six.  Bill  Kilbourn  will  please  call  7-1086  and  ask  for 
me  in  regard  to  his  Spanisfi  assignments  hereafter.  Ethel 
Nelson,  Z.  T.  A. 

«  »  *  » 

Learn  how  to  make  a  complete  logical  analysis  of  the 
critical  status  of  yom'  men  in  three  simple  lessons.  Ask  me; 
I  know.  Address  Jean  Morns  at  the  Sigmakappa  residence 
hall. 

-:S.    *     *     -» 

P.  v..  majors,  barken!  If  \()u  want  to  become  popular 
with   the  men   in  spite  of  the  fact  you  are  doomed   in   yom" 


Phvsicul  (j  lilt  lire 


15 


verv  exacting  coiirsc  of  studies,  simply  arrange  to  meet  me 
an\'  time  between  the  hours  of  when  and  how  often.  Alary 
Thoma,  A.  D.  Pi. 

*    •*    «:-    -» 

What  could  be  more  desirable  than  perfect  physique  of 
tlie  upper  lip?  Ah,  ha!  No  one  has  ever  thought  of  that, 
have  they?  Well,  just  get  in  touch  with  me  some  of  these 
days  and  I'll  show  you  what  a  difference  it  makes  in  the  end. 
Phil  McDowell,  at  the  Sigpi  house. 
»   *  *   « 

How  to  develop  the  habit  of  keeping  your  well-groomed 
mustache   out   of   the   foam   of  the   beer  is  something   every 
mini  Indian  wants  to  know.     Well,  call  Butch  Otis  at  the 
Alfasig  house  for  more  particulars, 
-s   «.  »  » 

I  will  guarantee  my  lessons  with  a  money-back  surety! 

There's  a  proposition  that  none  will  fail  to  note.     In  case 

\ou  do  fail  to  notice  this  grand  opportunity  to  learn,  ohmi- 

god,  I  forgot  what!     Well,  let  it  go;  I  just  want  someone 

( (Continued  on   Page   16) 


.CA:?i'i^YMN'^'a»^--^t'*^'i')>'-HM^^ 


"Thanks   to   Prof.   Stanford   I   have   become   a   man, 
all  because  of  strength  I  gained  in  P.  E.  13." 


ttO 


w 


to  Become  a  Man 


"For  ten  years  I  worked  in  an 
office.  I  was  a  weak,  sickly,  puny, 
chap,  lacking  even  a  veneer  of  muscle. 
I  had  possession  of  most  of  my  vital 
orfjans  but  they  were  in  bad  shape. 
None  of  the  girls  had  any  respect  for 
me. 

"One  day  the  janitor  called  my  at- 
tention to  vour  COPPER.PLATED 
MUSCLE  BUILDER." 

Inside  of  Two  Weeks 

my  chest  was  full  of  pure  air — in  fact 
I  was  bubbling  over  with  vim  and 
vitality.  My  shoulders  became  massive 
and  square.  My  formerly  lusterless 
eyes  flashed  with  the  wild  craving  for 
exercise  of  a  regular  he  man.  The  girls 
who  had  formerly  despised  me,  now- 
chased  me.  In  fact,  I'm  being  hunted 
for  bigamy. 

This  Is  No  Idle  Tale 

"Any  man  can  do  what  I  did  with 
the  aid  of  vour  COPPER-PLATED 
MUSCLE  BUILDER." 

Signed, 

J.A.CK  ADAMS, 

Editor  of  the  Weekly  Illini. 


For  further  particulars  write  to 

MUSCLINI 

Rome,  Italy,  Box  439 


I 


\m  4 

'YOU  MAYketby 


What  Will  Your 
Hiisband  Think? 

wlien  he  and  vour  four  children  find  you  out? 

DON'T— 

you  realize  that  lOOO's  of  people  are  suffering 
from  Bright's  disease,  diabetes,  gout,  rheu- 
inatisni,  nervous  disorders,  and  anemia  due 
to  innocent  but  protracted  mistakes? 

Write  today  to  the  B.  I.  Moretsky  Com- 
pany, dealers  in  Early  American  literature, 
Ghampaitfn,  111.,  for  cook  book  and  free 
samples. 


LEARN  HOW  TO  MAKE 
GIRLS 

jail  for  you! 

My  book  on  SECRETS  OF 
PSYCHOLOGY  is  yours  for  a  2c  stamp 

SNIGLEWOTZ  &  CO. 

(  .\l,(  I  I. IS,    INDIANA,   I  .  s.   A. 


T/w  SIREN 


( (^ijiitiiiiicil  fiiiiii  I'rii/c   15) 

to  I.-. ill  Die  some  tiiiR-.  I/inda  I'l't/^t-rald  at  tile  I'ili  hinisc. 
«  »  »  « 
Jack  Adams,  \()u  .scroLingf !  You  louse!  You  worse 
ilian  low  creature  ol  human  perplexities!  I  want  you  to 
know  my  last  name  is  in  no  way  connected  with  your  great- 
uncle's  sweetheart's  lather,  the  right  and  left  magician 
•nURSTON.      (Signed)   Fran,  Alfafce. 


Learn  how  to  become  a  Cora  Campus  inernight.  For 
tidl   (OH-oh)  particulars  call  Polly  Bauer  at  the  B.  P.  A. 

house. 

I  will  challenge  joe  Ferr\'  today,  tomorrow  or  any  other 
tune  to  a  boxing  matcli.  Why?  Simply  because  I  took 
heed  of  a  friend's  tip  about  a  month  ago.  I  learned  things 
1  knew  never  existed  in  the  boxing  world,  and  now  I  am 
teaching  them  to  the  world  absolutely  free  of  charge  be- 
cause you  ought  to  sing  something  simple.  Bob  Nelson, 
Phisigmakappa.     Call  me  any  time.     I'm  never  "out." 

1  want  to  know  if  there  is  a  good,  reli.ible  pawnshop 
(outside  of  the  Lambdakialfa  house)  in  the  Twin  Cities. 
All  information  must  be  directed  to  me.  Gladys  Smetana, 
the  Princess,  Alfagam. 


Learn   the  latest  dance  steps  in   my  own   private  studio 
located  on  the  second  floor  of  wdnat.     I  teach  'em  and  when 
1  teach    em,  they  stay  teached  I     Call  for  references  and  see  I 
if   1    gi\e   'em   to   you.      Betty  Walker.   A.   C).   Pi    boarding 

club. 


There  is  really  something  new  in  this  world  and  it  is 
up  to  me  to  show  mankind  what  it  is.  (  \o,  Nora,  it  is  not 
a  boy. )  1  ha\e  worked  so  hard  during  the  past  four  year.* 
Iiere  at  this  man's  institution  that  I  have  become  crestfallen 
and  weary,  and  yet  I  have  found  something" ne\\".  I  think 
I  am  marvelous,  and  to  show  the  world  I  mean  it  I  want 
-Margaret  Hendry  o\er  there  at  the  Pi  Lambda  Sigma  house 
to  call  me  up  at  once  so  that  I  may  impart  to  her  the  joy- 
ous news  of  how  to  graduate  by  '39  (February,  at  that!) 
Call  the  Chi  Phi  house  and  just  ask  for  Harry  Wallace. 


Down  the  lonely  road  one  co-ed  was  walking,  hei 
shadow  making  weird  figures  on  the  path.  Moonlight  re- 
vealed an  exalted  expression  on  her  lovely  innocent  face. 
She  tripped — yes,  tripped — along,  .sometimes  stumbling,  as 
though  she  were  groping  blindly  onward  to  some  hidden 
goal,  aware  of,  and  yet  unresponsive  to  the  gloom  and 
loneliness  of  her  surroimdings.  Where  was  she  going.  Why 
was  she  doing  this?  Why,  stupid,  .she  was  only  walking  a 
mile  for  .a  Camel  I  ■ — Oklnli'miii  .1  <///ik'ntnr. 


F/ivsical  Culture 


Shh! 


* 

• 


Don't  let  this  happen  to  You! 


I  was  once  an  innocent 
farm  girl.  Now,  I  am  the 
head  of  an  institution. 

My  father  gave  me  a 
Bible  and  a  great  deal  of 
advice  that  day  when  I 
left  the  old  homestead  for 
the  big  city;  but  the  advice 
was  not  of  the  right  kind. 

For  a  long  time  I  was 
unable  to  secure  steady 
employment.  Finally,  one 
day  while  sleeping  in  a 
police  station,  I  found  a 
copy  of  Phvsical  Culture. 

THIS  WAS  THE 
TURNING  POINT. 


I  answered  an  ad  and 
inside  of  two  days  I  was 
the  head  matron  of  the 
Kappa  Alpha  Theta  Or- 
phan asylum.  I  am  now 
liappil>-  engaged  in  pro- 
viding bigger  and  better 
orphans. 

After  a  long  and  suc- 
cessful career  in  this  field 
I  have  written  a  fearless 
unexpurgated  account  of 
my  confinement. 

Six  volumes  in  a  plain 
wrapper  are  vours  for 
$3.98. 


I'  h  r  e  e  volumes,  r  e- 
boundingly  rebound  i  n 
red  leather,  and  bound  to 
please,  $6.4N. 

The  Riverside  Press 

(.AKKKN   (  ITV,   KANSAS 

in;rr.  -^ri\ 


nil:  i{i\  Ki{.sn)K  i'kkss, 

Dtpt  y,i\ 

(•allien,  (  ily,  Kansas 

I'lcase  send  nie  a  topy  of 
.VDiir  fearlfss  ex|)<(s.p  of  real 
siiniiity  life,  written  after 
J  "in-  own  experiences. 

I  will  ytay  the  postman  $ 

Nam  I'    

Address     

State 


r/u  SIKF.N 


But  If 

//  /las  to  (^oiiie  Out — 

collect  it  and  send  it  with  6c 
postage  to  our  Tolono  fac- 
tories. By  return  mail  you 
will  receive  a  new  style,  non- 
slip,  anti-skid  feather  duster. 


MacFarland  Duster  Co. 
Ashtabula,  Arkansas 


p.  s.  when  worn  out  as  a 
duster,  it  makes  an  excellent 
bird  nest. 


Cocktail 

INSURANCE! 

^Oii   take   a   chance 
We  take  a  chance 

and  who  the  hell  doesn't? 
For   further   particulars 

GALL 

Dr.  Hans  Bahr 

Armory  Avenue 
(^hampaij^ii,   111. 


Classified  Advertisements 


(Also  see  pajje  28) 


WAXILU— A  \'ouii}i  KiRif^itK 
Man  who  wants  Plenty  of  Dough. 
5s25  profit  a  day.  No  particulars  re- 
quired. All  you  must  do  is  go  around 
and  sell  all  the  fanners  Beta  Theta 
1*1  pins.  \"oii  will  be  amazed  how 
many  farmers  really  want  Beta  pins. 
Write  to  I.  M.  Crazy  for  your  sup- 
ply of  free  samples,  202  E.  I^aniel. 
Champaign,  Illinois. 

BUSINESS  OF  YOUR  OWN 
— Found  a  chapter  of  Alpha  Chi 
Rlu).  You  will  be  the  most  seclusi\e 
man  in  town.  Catalogue  free  as  well 
as  a  set  of  highly  polished  new  frat 
pins.  Write  Harry  Chinn  for  the 
low   down. 

AGENTS— New  Shirt  Proposi- 
tion. No  Capital  or  experience 
needed.  Call  at  the  Theta  house  at 
mlil-iiite  for  your  first  shirt.  The 
ottejier  you  call,  the  better  yoii  will 
know-  the  gals.  Any  of  them  will  be 
glad  to  give  you  the  shirts  off  their 
backs,  after  while.  Samples  free.  I. 
Haddem,  at  the  Theta  house. 


FREE  BOOK— Sell  Fire  In- 
surance. Sigma  Kappa's  are  read\ 
customers.  They  are  ready  to  have 
another  fire.  Now  is  the  time  to 
make  big  money.  Write  Wet 
Blanket  Fire  Insurance  Co.,  care 
Prehn's,  Champaign,  111. 

BE  INDEPENDENT  —  Sell 
Foot  Ease.  Wonderful  opportuni- 
ties on  mini  campus.  Large  unde- 
\eiopeii  field.  Men  dating  Chi 
( )mega's  will  be  ready  customers  to 
this  new  wonder  that  relieves  burn- 
iiig  and  bruised  feet  and  crushed 
toes.  Ima  Crock,  811  Float  Street, 
Boneyard,  Illinois. 

ARE  YOU  MAKING  PLENTY 
O  F  M  O  N  E  Y?— Now  is  \our 
chance.  Utilize  this  wonderful  op- 
portunity offered  you.  Save  cigarette 
butts  for  Hanley's.  Good  pay.  Work 
tliat  is  like  fun.  Get  your  friends  to 
save  them  and  your  freshman  to  col- 
lect them  from  the  streets.  Fortune 
awaits  you.  See  Bob  Lester  at 
Flanle\  's. 


Three  big  politicians  waiting  for  the  polls  to  open. 


P/ivsical  Culture 


19 


A  Slight  Misunderstanding 

You  look  rather  broken  up,  what  is  wrong?" 

"I  wrote  home  for  money  for  a  new  study  lamp." 

"Well,  what  of  it?" 

"They  sent  nie  a  study  lamp." 

S 


Butterscotch.  .  .  .  oleomargarine. 

S 


Mae  West:     "There's  gold  in  them  thar  hells." 

S 

You  just  can't  help  seeing  red  ever\'  time  sou  look  at 
flu-  average  co-ed's  lips. 

S 

And  pretty  soon  now  there  will  be  a  nice  Christmas 
Sa\ings  club  for  the  poor  little  girl  to  join  who  didn't  make 
Kappa  Kappa  Pajania. 


When  a  woman  says  no  she  means  .  .  .  perhaps  .  .  .  not 
just  now  .  .  .  someday  .  .  .  maybe  .  .  .  wait  a  while  .  .  . 
its  a  bother  .  .  .  possibly  .  .  .  eventually  .  .  .  NO. 


"Now,  son,  is  it  clear  why  I  pimished  you?" 
"Yeah,  'cause  you  are  a  heavyweight  and  I  am  only  a 
fhwcight." 


"Say  Pop,  what  is  this  law  of  gravity?  " 
"Don't   ask   mc.    kid,    there   are   too   man\    tool    laws    ii 
keep  track  of  these  days." 

S 


K\  mini  Law  Stiidc:  "1  call  upon  heaxcji  and  cailh 
to  witness  the  innocence  of  the  defendant!" 

Judge  (more  than  slightly  deaf)  :  "Eh,  do  \ou  want  u> 
call  these  witnesses  in?" 


"This  medicine  is  very  bitter,  so  you  should   take  .some 
water  afterwards  to  remove  the  taste." 

"And  what  shall  T  take  to  remove  the  water  taste?  " 

S 

The  whales  can't  smell,  says  a  prominent  naturalist.   He 
has  probably  never  been  near  a  dead  one. 

S 


"Darling,  all  my  sorrows  will   I  share  with  \ou — " 
"But  honey,  I  have  no  sorrows." 
"I  mean  after  we  get  married." 


YOU  too  — 
can  have  pearls 

Ever  since  reading  "Popular  Avia- 
tion" as  a  little  child  I  have  wanted  a 
rope  of  real  marble  sized  pearls  such 
as  all  the  society  buds  wear.  At  first 
I  ran  errands  for  the  blacksmith  and 
washed  elephants  at  the  circus,  but 
after  savinj*  $1.56  I  spent  it  all  on  fly 
paper.  It  was  very  disheartening.  In- 
numerable attempts  followed  with 
equally  poor  or  worse  results. 

Then  iMy  Sal\  ation  Came! 

While  thumbing  through  a  stack  of 
"Prairie  Farmer"  in  the  attic,  I  became 
aware  of  the  screaming  need  of  a  good 
reliable  mange  cure.  After  an  inten- 
sive research  I  discovered  a  superb 
compound  which  also  added  inches.  It 
sold  like  pancakes.  Soon  I  was  able 
to  wear  ten  ropes  of  pearls. 

Now  I  offer  the  same  luxury  to  you! 
Distribute  my  compound  in  >our 
neighborhood.  For  every  case  of  cure 
you  sell  I  will  give  you  a  four  foot 
strand  of  magnificent  rocks.  Send  in 
today  for  samples. 

JOLIET  PRISON 

Joliet,  Illinois. 


20 


7//(SlKHN 


We  Don't  Sell  All  the  Dresses  on  the  Campus 

Bui  \Vc  Do  Sell  Some  of  the  Smartest 

SPORTS  WEAR 

SMART  *  COTTONS 

SILKS 


CHAMPA/GN^ILL. 


SPALDING'S 
Drug  Store 

Prescriptions  a  Specialty 


B.  E.  SPAl'I.DING,  Prop. 
602  East  Cireen  Street 


Plione  S263 


We  Deliver 


Evening  Edition 

V\:     "1  call  my  girl  newspaper." 

Eyed:     "How  come?' 

I'i :     "She's  such  a  bold-faced  t\pe!' 


-Pcnn  Stdtf  Froth. 


Red   Agitator:      Down   with   capitalism! 

Joe  College:     And  punctuation  too! — (julyatc  Baiilc 


I 


1 


Dear   Kd  :      Is   it  true   that  every  kiss  shoitens   lite  two 
niiruites? 

I'd:     ^'es  it'>  true,  and  when  should  \()u  ha\e  died? 

— Culi/iitc  luuilii. 


Ali  Haba:     Open  Ses'me. 

Voice   from   within:      Sez   \ou\ — Amherst  Lord  JitJ- 


-S- 


Then  there  was  the  absent  minded  so|ihomore  wlio  day 
dreamed  he  was  an  elephant  and  woke  up  to  find  himself 
throwing:  his  trunk  out  the  window. 


-H/itt<i/ioi!. 


"My  heart  goes  out  to  thee."  hummed   the  gambler,  .as 
le  passed  the  Ace  of  Hearts  under  the  table  to  his  pal. 

— Aliihdiiui  Riiiii/iur  Jiuiiiiur. 


Physical  Culture 


21 


Have  You  Heard  This? 

Hk-  small  fiiil  from  the  city  was  making  ht-r  first  \isit 
to  the  couiiti\-,  and  on  her  first  night  there  she  went  to  the 
bani  to  see  the  hired  man  milk  the  cows.  She  was  much 
impressed,  but  said  nothing.  The  next  morning  the  hired 
man  came  running  with  the  news  that  one  of  the  cows  had 
been  stolen. 

"Don't  worry,"  piped  up  the  kid,  "they  won't  get  far, 
because  we  draincil  her  crank-case  last  ru'ght. 


-Ohio  Ctrccti  (io/il. 


-S- 


A  glance  in  the  Hible  discloses  that  times  haven't 
changed  much.  We  complain  about  crowded  houses  at 
Homecoming,  yet  long,  long  ago  it  is  noted  that  Abraham 
slept  with  his  forefathers. — Sorthnrstcrn   Purt'lc  Pdnot. 

S 


Co-ed:     How  long  could  I  live  without  brains? 
Prof.:     Time  will   tell.  — f^.   of  loivci  Frivol. 

S 

The  road  to  Hell  may  be  crooked  but  it  has  some  damn 
fine  parking  places.  — Rcussclaci-  Pup. 


She:      "You   raised   your  hat   to   that   girl   who   passec 
You  don't  know  her,  do  you?" 

He:     "Xo.  but  my  brother  does  anil  this  is  his  hat." 

—  'Pi  nil  esse  c  Miiffiriiiii/'. 

S 


"So  \()ur  name  is  Tom  Riley.  An\'  relation  to  jim 
Riley?" 

"Very  dist:uitly;   I  was  the   first  child   and   he   was   the 

eighteenth.  "  — Northuesteni  Purple  Parrot. 


Professor:     \Vh:it's  a  parasite? 

Student:      Me? 

i'rofessor:      ^'es,   now   name   another. 


-Cornell  ll'idoir. 


-S- 


Nlght!!  \V':irm  and  calm,  hut  d:iik  and  forbitlding  for 
it  is  past  midnight — long  past.  The  lights  of  a  car  flash  in 
the  distance  and  are  gone.  Again  they  are  seen  and  they 
.seem  to  be  approaching.  Now  they  are  gone  into  the  dark- 
ness; no,  there  they  are  again,  .swiftly  drawing  nearer  and 
nearer.  Suddenly  the  pitching  of  the  light  ceases — the  c:ir 
has  stopped.  The  lights  go  off.  The  night  again  is  c;ilm 
and  .serene,  but  only  for  a  moment.  A  shot ! !  The  sound 
of  running  feet  I  The  lights  flash  on  and  the  car  dashes 
madly  back  whence  it  came.     Chicago!!! 

— Rrnssfliur   Pnp. 


LET  US  HELP  YOU 

DANCE 

(Classes  and  private  lessons  in 

SOCIAL 

BALLET 

TOE 

INTERPRETIVE 

NATIONAL 

MUSICAL  COMEDY 

AND 

TAP 

Register  for  the  New  Semester 
9-12  A.  M.     1-6  P.  M. 

SHIRLEY  MAY  KENNEDY 

SCHOOL  OF  THE  DANCE 

704  South  Sixth  Street  Upstairs 


77/<'SIRbA' 


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hook.  Come  see  the  books  and  learn  the  terms 

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On  the  Square 


On  the  Square 


virgInia 

Mm.,  .Miiii.,  Tufs,   iM'li.  8.  :»,   10 

"The  Man  Who  Came  Back" 

with 
.1  \M,T  (i.WNOK  CHAKI-KS  KAUKKl. 


Wed.,   Thuis.,   Fri.,   Sat.,  Feb.   II,   \i.   \.i.   U 

GRET.\  GAR  BO 

riic  iMilic  sl:ir  in  ;i  inilU  and  salin  ni(idri-n  hive  drama 


"Inspiration" 

With  KOIiKKT  MONTGO.MKKV  and  a  steUar  «ast 

ORPHEUM 

SATl  Ult\^.  SINDAV,  MONDAY,   1  KIMU  Ain    :,  H,  !• 

"Beau  Ideal" 

Thf  scMUKl  to  "Itrau  ti.sti"  with 

I.OKKTTA   vol  N(i  IKKNK   l!l(  II 

KAI.I'll   KOKISKS 


11  i:s..  \vi:i).,  Tiirus.,  kki.,  ivi>.  io,  ii.  i.>,  i:; 
JACK  OAKIi: 

riic   nillidun;;    lacUctt-er  <il   roars   taUi's   Ihi'    worhl 
l<ir  a  joy  ri<l<'!    In 

"The  Gano;  Buster" 

with 
.li;\\    AKIIIl  K  W  II.I.IAM    ItOVi) 


"Gue.ss  I'll  hit  the  hay,"  said  the  farmer,  as  he  slipped 
(iff  to  tlie  bain.  — ['.  of  Ttxas  Longhor  ii. 

^ S 

"Do  you  u.se  tooth  paste?" 

"What  for,  none  of  my  teeth  are  loose." 

— ll'eslcyaii  Was  I'. 

S 

If   you  haven't  enough  money    for  a  haircut,    be  non- 
chalant; \\ear  a  "V'ote  Communist"  button. 

— A',    y.    Univfrsi/y  Mi/l/ry. 

S 


"What  were  your  grades.  Jack?" 

"A,  B,  C,  D,  and  F," 

"A-ha!    A  Jack  of  all  grades!" 

— //  iishiiii/toii   I ' .  Dii ye. 

S 

Plii  Tau  Dave:      Let's  turn  out  the  lights,   Dearie,  and 
pretend  that  we're  in  iK'a\en! 

Alpha  CxMw  Xanc\  :     But,  Honey,  I'm  no  angel! 
!'.  T.  1).:     I  know;  that's  why  I  turned  out  the  lights! 
— Ohio  Green  (joat. 


I 


St.    I'eter:     "And  here  is  your  golden  harp." 
Newly  arri\ed  American:     "How  much  is  the  first  pay- 
mejit?"  — .■iliibaina  Rnmiiier  Jnmiiier. 


Physical  Culture 


23 


The  first  ambition  college  inspires  in  any  freshman  stu- 
dent is  to  jazz  the  Ahiia  Mater  hymn. 

— Oklnhomii  J fft/ievator. 

s 

Professor:     "What  did  Milton  write?" 
Frosh :      "Alilton   wrote   'Paradise   Lost,'    then   his   wife 
died,  so  he  wrote  'Paradise  Regained.'  " — Renssrlarr  Pup. 

s 

"Do  you  drink?" 
"Invitation  or  investigation?  " 

— Northivestcrn    Purple   Piinat. 

S 

"They  tell  me  there  was  a  riot  at  tlie  party  last  ni<;ht. 
How  come?  " 

"Oh,  some  Beta  accident!)  steiiped  under  tiie  mistle- 
toe." — Ohin  Sun  Dud. 

Things  Every  Debutante  Should  Know 

That  a  ci\il  engineer  is  not  always  as  civil  as  his  name 
implies. 

That  a  mechanical  engineer  is  sometimes  too  mechanical 
in  his  proceedings. 

That  an  electrical  engineer  sometimes  crosses  circuits  to 
the  extent  of  blowing  a  fuse. 

That  a  commercial  engineer  (if  that  name  can  be  ap- 
plied) is  nothing  but  the  old  time  traveling  salesman  re- 
modeled. 

Hut  that  the  general  scientist  is  a  general  utility  man 
who  will  do  anything  he  might  be  requested  to  do. 

— Georgia  Yel/oiv  Jacket. 
S 

Anybod)':  It  says  in  the  paper  that  a  famous  engineer 
died  and  bequeathed  a  dam  to  his  son. 

Anybody  Else:  It's  good  to  know  of  somebody  giving 
a  dam  after  hearing  of  everybody  who  don't. 

— Cornell  IFidoiv. 
S 

Why  is  a  college  student  like  a  thermometer? 

Because  he"s  filled  with  alcohol  and  graduated  with  de- 
grees. — (7.  of  Texas  Lont/horn. 

S 

Mrs.  (speaking  of  mother  who  has  come  for  that  visit-  — 
She"s  here. 

Mr.  (thinking  of  the  cow  he  just  bought) — All  right, 
put  her  in  the  barn  and  throw  her  some  hay. — Battalion. 

S 

A  student  was  recently  confronted  in  a  tlark  alley  by  a 
yeggman. 

"Hand  over  your  money,  or  I'll  hhiw  your  brams  out," 
snarled  the  stickup  artist. 

"Blow  away,"  was  the  calm  reply.  "You  can  go  to  col- 
lege without  brains  but  you  must  ha\e  money." 

—  IL  of  'fe.vas  Lont/horn. 

S 

In  Sweden  it's  different  .  .  .  over  there  Necken  is  an  old 
God  instead  of  being  just  social  obligation. 

— Il'esleyan  11 'as  p. 


Go  to  Strauch's  for — 


COMICS - 
CUTES- 
CUT  OUTS  - 
RELATIVE - 
FRIENDLY 

and 

GENERAL 

Greatest  variety  of  clever  designs 


GALL  THE 


Powder  Puff 


and  get  that  permanent  wave.  We  can 
give  you  a  soft  natural  looking  wave 
that  will  last  through  the  social  season. 


r^ 


We  use  soft  water  for  shampooing 
702  South  Goodwin  Phone  7-2585 


24 


The  SIREN 


This 

Lady  Is 

Completely 

Tpset— 


.  .  .  because  her  big  moment  didn't  take  her 
to  Bill's.  Please,  sir,  prevent  a  repetition  of 
this  lady's  embarrassment.  Always  take 
her  to — 

BILL  DONAHUE'S 

Oz'rr  I'rrlni's  &'  Koujiuuu's 


Hits  Comini>  to  the 

RIALTQ 

A^  THEATRE         ^^ 

February  S- 11-12 

"ILLICIT" 

With 

BARBARA  STANWYCK 

February  12-14 
JOE.  E.  BROWN 

In 

"Going  Wild" 


Startinii  February  15 

'The  Doorway  to  Hell" 

WiDi 

LEWIS  AY  RES 


SOON 

Winnie  Lighter  in  "Sit  Tight" 

"The  Royal  Family  <>f  Broadway" 

"The  Blue  .\ngel" 

'Viennese  Nights,"  "Fighting  Caravans'' 


Revision  of  the  Orthodox 

As   Listi'iiiK-   would   ha\c  it: — 

"'*l  ii^il    (If.-ith   ill)    us   parr   or   that   oliuoxious   odor   of   "I 
\\  hull  our  licst   Iru'iuls  wdl   not  aiKisf  us.  " 

As  Hubert  Work  would  ha\  i'  it: — 

"**Uiitil  death  do  us  part  or  until  sou  trump  ni\   aic." 

As  Heiir\    Mencken  woidd  ha\e  it: — 

"**l,"ntil  death   do  us  part  or  the  no\elt\'  of  the  daiiiri 
thino;  wears  off." 

.As  Miss  Helen  Kane's  betrothed  would  have  it: — 

"•""I  ntil  death  do  us  part  or  your  I'oop-oop-a-doop.  " 
— (jorfiiel/  IVidoii'. 


I 


"Mamma,  Jimiiu'  never  will  ha\e  an\  moie  tun  in  life." 

"Now  what  makes  you  say  that.'' " 

"Aw,  he  ijot  run  o\er  with  a  truck." — Oliln  Sun  Din/. 

S 


Way  b:ick  in  '14,  L'ric,  the  Reil,  looked  out  of  the 
window,  and  decided  that  life  was  rotten.  He  went  around 
the  corner  ,ind  got  a  shot  of  whisky  and  soda.  Then  he 
went  home  and  cut  his  throat  wide  open  with  a  razor.  Red 
blood  gushed  from  the  wound.     He  died. 

Yesterday,  I  looked  out  of  the  same  window  and  saw 
the  same  sky  that  Uric  did.  I  decided  that  life  was  rotten. 
I  went  around  the  corner  and  bought  a  coke.  Then  I  went 
home  and  cut  my  throat  w'ide  open  with  a  safety  razor 
blade.  Water  gushed  from  the  wound.  I  wrote  home  for 
some  money.  — Oklahoma  Agt/iet'ator. 


He 

She 


S 

Dearest  I  love  you  and  want  you  for  my  wife. 
Goodness!     What  would  she  do  with  me? 

— (InrncU  Hiilou'. 


What  They  Want 

Rudy  Valee — P'ifty  thousand  more  women  to  sigh  over 
him. 

Theodore  Dreiser — Fifty  tliousand  miue  women  to  cry 
over  him. 

Floyd  Gibbons — Fifty  thousand  more  words  per  minute. 

Philadelphia    Athletics — Fifty   thousand    more   times   to 

wui   It. 

Notre  Dame — Fifty  thousand  more  miles  to  tra\el. 
Edgar  Wallace — I-'ifty  thousand  more  plots  to  unravel. 
Flo  Zeigfield — Fifty  thousand  more  beauties  to  glorify. 
S.  S.  Van  Dine — Fifty  thousand  more  readers  to  horrify. 
Texas  Guinan — Fifty  thousand  more  out-of-town  buyers. 
Diogenes — ONI'"   honest  man   in   fifty  thousand   liars. 

— Ohio  Sim  Dial. 

S 

I'raternity  house  rules. 

No  liquor  allowed  in  rooms. 

Do  not  throw  bottles  out  of  windows. 

— SorlhncsUin  Purple  Parrot. 


I 


Physical  Culture 


25 


<  Chevrolet  Uport  Coupe  pttutoaruplieii  u/t   llie  I', 


Built  to  modern  standards  of  appearance 
and  performance 


Here  is  the  finest  performing  car 
that  Chevrolet  has  ever  built  — 
quick  on  the  trigger,  loaded 
>vith  speed  and  power,  easy  to  handle,  down- 
right dependable  and  designed  to  cover  more 
miles  at  less  expense  than  any  car  you  can 
buy !  And  it  is  as  smart  an  inexpensive  auto- 
mobile as  you  have  ever  seen— long,  low,  racy 
lines;  graceful  body  contours;  antl  the  very 
latest  type  of  fittings  and  ap])ointments. 
Furthermore,  the  new  Chevrolet  is  a  thor- 
oughly  modem  automobile.    It  delivers  the 


smooth,  swift  performance  of  a  big  50- 
horsepower  six-cylinder  motor.  Its  Fisher 
bodies  have  the  smartness,  style  and  com- 
fort of  fine,  modern  coachcraft.  In  no  single 
feature  that  contributes  to  the  satisfaction 
and  pleasure  of  owning  an  automobile,  is  there 
any  compromise  with  quality.  A  fast,  smooth, 
fine-looking  Six  .  .  .  up-to-the-minute  in 
every  way  —  as  a  modern  car  should  be! 
You'll  be  doing  yourself  and  your  pocketbook 
a  favor  if  you  see  and  drive  the  new  Chevrolet 
before  you  buy  any  low-priced  automobile. 


Chevrolet  prices  range /ruin  $173  to  $650  J.  o.  b.  Flint,  Mich.,  Special  Equipment  Extra 
Chevrolet  Motor  Company,  Detroit.  Michigan.  Division  of  General  Motors   Corporation 

XEW  CHEVROLET  SIX 

The  Grtiut  American  Value 


26 


T/n-SUU.^ 


UNIVERSITY 

SHOE 
REBUILDERS 

CLEAN— MODERN 


Look  at  your  shoes 
K\crN<)nc  else  docs 


Brhi^  them  to  ns  to  have 
them  rebuilt 


Prehn  Bld^. 
7(t2  South  (loodwin  Avenue  L'rbana,  111. 


Exams  Are 
Over 

So  Let's  Celebrate 
By  Eating  Ice  Cream 

To  Be  Sure  It's 

CHAMPAIGN  ICE  CREAM 


4175 


Telephone 


4176 


Our  Two  Minute  Drama 

1  iinc  —Any  time  you  ;ui'  ifaily. 

Place — A  spiritualist's  office. 

Characters — Spiritualist.     Man    (we  lujpe  m)). 

('.iirtiiin  Rises 

Man — "I  want  to  see  you  about  m\  brotlier.  " 

Spiritualist — "Yes." 

M — "He  just  (lied  about  eight  hours  ago  .iiul   I  want 

to  know  if  he's  on  his  way  to  hea\en." 
— S — "I  can  let  you  know  for  $20." 
M — "O.K.     Here's  the  twenty." 

(She  goes  into  a  trance). 
S — "Ah!    I  can  see  your  brother  traveling  speeihlx   along 

the  load  to  hea\en.     He  is  only  one  hiindieil,  .  .  . 

eight\ ,  .  .  .  se\ cnti,  miles  from  heaven.     $20  more 

please.' 
M — "Well,  here  you  are." 
S — "Oh,   he   is  only   fift\',    fortv,   thirt\-five,   twent\-five 

miles    from   heaven,    yes   only   fifteen    miles   from 

heaven.     Twenty  dollars  more  please." 
M — "Here,  how  far  is  he  now?  " 

S — "Only  ten  miles,  seven,  four.  two.  a  half,  three  hun- 
dred,   one   hundred    fifty.    Oh,     onl\'     three     feet 

awa.\.     Forty  dollars  more.  " 
•M — "How  far  did  you  say  he  was  from  hea\en.'' 
S — "Only  three  feet!" 
M — "Well  if  he  can't  jump  three  feet  he  can  go  plumb 

to  hell !"  — Rensselcar  Pup. 


"Won't  you  gi\e  me  one  more  chance?  "  pleaded  the 
\outh. 

"\o,  "  she  answered  firmly.  "It's  no  use.  E\er\'  time 
you  promise  faithfully  to  do  better,  aiii!  every  time  \ov.  fail. 
It's  your  besetting  sin.     This  is  the  end.  " 

"But  this  time  I  will  tio  better.  I'll  ne\er  fail  you 
again." 

"That's  >our  same  old  storw  No.  Once  and  for  all, 
I'll  never  go  around  with  a  fellow  wlio  gets  so  drunk  that 
he  can't  carry  me  home."  — (Ujnicll  Jl  i/hjiv. 

: S 


A  sharp  pain  in  his  abdominal  regions  was  sufficient 
cause  to  send  Pat  to  a  doctor  who  promptly  diagnosed  the 
case  as  appendicitis.  The  word  meant  little  to  the  good  son 
of  Erin,  so  the  physician  agreed  to  put  the  appendix  on  the 
window  sill.  The  local  organ-grinder's  monkey  was  on  the 
sill  when  Pat  came  out  of  the  ether.  Said  he:  "Stop  grin- 
ning, me  boy,  \our  mother's  a  very  sick  man!  " 

— Rciissilacr  Pup. 
S 

Ha\c  \ou  heard  of  the  (shall  we  say  wise)  college  stu- 
dent, who  ordered  fried  rabbit  for  dinner  and  then  told 
the  waiter  there  was  a  hare  in  his  gra\\'. 

— () khili'iiiiii  .-I i/i/iiVfitor. 


I 


Fhysicul  Culture 


27 


Don't  Miss  — 


EXCELLENT 
FOOD 


*    CHAMPAIGN.    ILL.  * 


REFRESHING 
DRINKS 


Make  a  habit  of  stoppinil  after  the  show  or  dunee 

Give  your  date  a  treat 

EAST  GREEN  SOUTH  NEII. 


The  Girl's  Club  for  the  Advancement  of  Physical  Education  is  open  to 
all  those  who  have  passed  Freshman  Hygiene  with  a  ^rade  of  D  or  better. 
The  pledge  ribbon  is  a  demountable  tooth  brush  and  the  pin  is  a  miniature 
thermometer.  "The  situation  is  not  alarming,"  said  Doc.  Beard  when  told 
of  the  scarcity  of  eligible  students. 


WHITE  LINE 
LAUNDRY 

HOME    OF    KAPTAIN    KLEAN 


'///<  SIKh:N 


THIS  CONCERNS  YOU 


OlM'ORri  M'l^  —  OI'I'OR- 
Tl  .\^^^' — Coinc  CoUcct  tiat  tires 
.111(1  crocks  and  wet  blankets.  Delta 
Kappa  Mpsilon  will  picdfje  them  aiui 
pay  \()U  well.  l?rin^  them  to  the 
1  )ke  house  between  the  houis  ot  7 
and  '). 

SUCCEED  W  IT  11  ^()  I  R 
OWN  I'RODICTS.  Make  Them 
^  ouiM'lt.  boinuilas.  Io\e-secrets, 
elements  ol  anatomv'.  Ivxpert  emo- 
tional advice.  Call  Sadie  (  rottrocks 
tor  appointment  or  write  to  her  in 
care  of  the  Sig  Pi's. 

WONDERFUL  OPPORTUNI- 
TIES— For  a  Dancing  Instructor. 
Kappa  Kappa  Gamma  has  a  tlock  of 
new  pledges.  Enough  sed :  call 
7-3432  and  .start  work. 

WHY  WAIT  LONCER— Op- 
portunity is  here.  Sell  Claniptite 
Snoring  eliminators  to  students  in 
Prof.  Rollands  lectures.  Plenty  of 
snoozers,  plenty  of  snorers,  plenty  of 
business.      For    a    free     sample     call 


Halmer  Mel/,  llOi  South  Lincoln 
street,  out  of  the  high  rent  district. 

CANDY— Is  the  {greatest  L\m- 
Husiness  for  the  little  fellow.  Ask 
"Runt"  Russell,  notorious  Pi  Phi. 
Why,  with  sugar  at  7c — cand\  sell- 
ing at  40c  look  at  the  profits.  ( lo 
o\er  to  your  gal's  house  and  stir  up 
a  batch.  For  the  fine  points  about 
this  new  idea  of  a  cheap  evening  ask 
the  Tkes  who  know. 

HAVE  YOU  A  HUSINESS 
PROFESSION?— Why  not  be  a 
bootlegger?  Enormous  profits. 
Large  demand.  Call  at  Kappa  Sig 
house,  successors  to  Ciamma  Eta 
(^lamma,  for  free  illustrated  booklet 
on,  "How  to  Make  Your  Own 
Hooze.  " 

YOU  CAN  HAVE  a  Business 
Profession  of  Your  Own.  Earn  big 
income  service  fees. 

DATELESS?  UNPOPULAR? 
Do  you  yearn  to  be  a  social  menace? 
Then     unroll     in     our     normal     ten- 


muuite  course  in  "Mow  to  (  iet  \ Our 
Pin  Lifted!"  ^'ou  will  receixe  pro- 
fessional ad\ice,  and  our  competent 
staff  of  4l)  will  be  at  voui'  disposal 
immediately.  Apply  Sigma-Nu-How 
Co.,   Racketeers. 

OET  RICH  QUICK!— Apply 
for  job  on  Dance  Supervision  Com- 
mittee at  once,  15.  I.  Cj.  Graft,  chair- 
man. 

SEE  CHAMBANA  FIRST— Be 
sure  to  tell  your  friends  about  it!  A 
first-rate  tour  of  the  .scenic  marvels 
of  Twin  Cities  will  soon  be  within 
\our  grasp.  No  change  in  price. 
Phone  South-Campus  Commission. 
Dial  0000. 

ARE  YOU  A  BACHELOR  OR 
OLD  MAID?— Are  you  cold?  Rest- 
less? Does  your  soul  crave  com- 
panionship? Then  you  need  one  of 
Dr.  Quack's  patented  hot-water 
bottles,  guaranteed  to  be  equally  wet 
the  whole  year  round.  Enclose  $.50. 
Money  refunded  if  you  can  get  it. 


Where  used  books  are  bought  with 

THE  GREATEST  SAVING  .  .  .  AND  BRING 
MOST  TO  THOSE  WHO  SELL  THEM.  IT'S 
AN  UNDISPUTABLE  FACT.  INVESTIGATE. 

The  Union  Book  Exchange 

Illinois  Union  Huildinji 


Physical  Culture 


29 


Season's  Hits 

Bootlegger's  lament — "The   Moon 
Is  Low." 

— South  Dakota  Jf'ct  llni. 

S 


Tailor  (to  college  Fresh  buying  a 
new  suit)  :  "And  do  you  want  the 
shoulders  padded,  sir? 

F'rosh:  "Naw!  Pad  the  pants! 
That's  where  I  need  it  most!" 

— Nevada  Desert  ff'o/f. 


The  traditional  Italian,  Irishman, 
and  Arabian  were  playing  at  poker. 
The  son  of  Erin  held  three  queens; 
the  son  of  Italy  held  three  kings;  and 
the  son  of  Moses  held  three  aces. 
After  several  rounds  of  heavy  betting 
the  play  came  to  a  showdown. 

"And  what  have  you  got?"  asked 
the  Irishman  turning  to  the  Italian. 
When  the  latter  displayed  three 
kings,  Pat  floored  him  with  a  chair 
and  turned  to  the  Eskimo  and  said, 
"what  have  YOU  got?" 

The  tailor  looked  at  the  bleeding 
form  on  the  floor,  he  looked  at  his 
own  hand,  and  he  said  in  a  woe-be- 
goiie  voice,  "oy,  soch  a  haddache." 
— Wesleyfi/i  ff  asp. 


She  was  the  kind  of  woman  who 
could  be  relied  upon  to  say  the  wrong 
thing  wherever  she  was.  At  a  recent 
dinner  she  turned  to  her  neighbor 
and  said,  "Doctor  can  you  tell  me 
who  that  terrible  looking  man  is  over 
there?" 

"I  can,"  replied  the  medical  man. 
"That's  my  brother." 

There  was  an  awkward  pause 
while  the  woman  racked  her  brain 
for  something  to  say.  The  Doctor 
was  enjoying  her  discomfiture.  "Oh 
I  beg  your  pardon,"  she  stammered, 
blushing.  "How  silly  of  me  not  to 
have  seen  the  resemblance." 

— Lehigh  Burr. 
S 

He:  "How  come  you  always  carry 
that  satchel  with  you  ? 

Ha:  "I'm  in  the  secret  service 
now.     I'm  a  bottlegger!" 

— Penn.  State  Froth. 


ILLINOIS 


ra 


a""'   What!  You've  never  indulged 

^^j\  :  your  Epicurean  t.istes  in  fra- 
(i^^  :  grant  smoke  wreaths  of  rum- 
flavored  tobacco?  Then  scam- 
per out  to  any  of  the  stores 
below  for  a  Rumidor*.  Whether 
you  select  the  College  Bowl 
model  in  orange  and  blue  or  the  Varsity  model 
in  orange  and  blue  with  an  Illinois  Illini  on 
the  cover — you're  in  for  a  new-found  smoking 
pleasure.  Rumidors  sell  from  ?!  to  $150. 

*Rumidor  is  a  scientific,  patented  container 
for  cigarettes,  tobacco  and  cigars,  using  11- 
year-old  Medford  rum  for  a  preservative.  The 
rum  keeps  the  tobacco  moist  and  mellow  and 
imparts  a  delightful  aroma.  Poor  tobaccos  taste 
good.  Good  tobaccos  taste  better.  Beware  of 
imitations.  Look  for  name  on  cover. 


VARSITY  MODEL 
complete  with  rum 
refill  and  divider 

$5  and  $5 


COLLICI;.  IIOWX 
rum  rctill  intlujcd 


RUMIDOR 

CAN  BE  BOUGHT  AT  THE  FOLLOWING  STORES: 


Spalding's   Drug   Store,    United    Cigar  Store,    Illini    Orvig 
Co.,  Knmerer  Kros.,   Keusink   Orug^ 


Wailing  1  Primilivr!  Cnmprllmg!  The  great 
Uuke  Kllinpluu  brings  the  jungle  lo  you  on  the 
most  imporliint  \  ictor  Record  ever  nia<le  liv 
this  moat  famous  »( Hot  Jn^s  Imnils!  Hear  il .  . . 
%ictor  briugs  you  the  latest  hits  .  .  .first! 

IVew  ViCTon  Rele.%ses 

Vinor  Hot  off  the  griddle 

Knnrd  No. 

22S87— ^^MOOD  IX»IGO"-FOX  TROT 
Duke  Klhnglun  .V  His  Cotton  Club  Orih. 

22592--^YOniS  AX»  RIIXE"- 

FOX  TROT  The  Soulhrrners 

2-2r,a(,--WHAT  GOOD  A»l  I WITH- 
OITT  VOt;-'-K)X  THOT 
Duk,-  Ellinglon  &  H,s  Cotton  C.luh  Orrh. 

22.iO-— "I,A«Y PI.AV  vol  II  >l A.>- 

IIOI-l>i•"-TA^co  Hi\  illnl 


Hui 


.\..l 


2.3021— "I  MI««S  A  MTTI.E  »1I>»S"- 

MiKinni'ys  Collon  I'lckcr 

lO-ineb  Records,  75e. 


ICTOR 


Re 


CORDS 


30 


The  SIREN 


AN  OLD  HORSE  CAR 

C>an't  keep  pace  with  an  aeroplane,  any  more  than  ordinary 
clothes  can  keep  pace  on  the  (Campus.  Kuhn's  style,  quality  and 
\  aliie  -will  keep  you  in  step  with  the  times. 

JOS.  KUHN  &  CO. 

Downtown     "The  Store  for  Illinois  Men"     Champaign 


i 


Just  an  intimate  view  of  one  corner  of  the  TKE  trophy  room.  The 
scholarship  award  can  almost  be  seen  in  the  lower  left  hand  corner. 


Not  the  Cough  in  the  Car  Load 

It  ain't  the  cough  that'll  cany  you 
oft — it's  the  coft'in  they  carry  \o\i 
oft  ill. 

— //  tishiiu/l'jn  U iih'ii sily  Dli i/e. 
S 

Teacher:  ''Johnny,  use  the  word 
'Soviet'  in  a  sentence.  " 

Johnny:     "Father     didn't    c  o  ni  e 
home  on  time,  so  ve  et  without  him.  " 
— N.   Y.   University  illtil/ey. 


Worl :     "I  was  married  on  Christ- 
mas day!  " 

Tworl:     "Oh,  "Vule  tied,  eh?" 
— Ohio  Sill!   Diiil. 


The  sad  case  of  the  parting  ot  a 
pair  of  .socks.  One  incurred  the  dis- 
favor of  the  other  by  adopting  a 
"Holier  than  thou  attitude." 

— Cornell  Widoic. 


Error 

I  thought  that  you  were  like  a  tree — 
So  tall  and  strong — to  helter  me; 
i5ut  no\i-  1  know  \ou're  like  a  tree — 
So  wooden ! 

— fVashinyton    Coin  inns. 

"Want  a  drink?" 
"No,     thanks.     I     just     paid     two 
dollars  for  my  dinner." 

— Ohio  Green  Goat. 

Ale.x  (over  phone)  :  And  please 
mail  my  ring  back  to  me." 

Alice:   "You'd  better  come  and  get 
it;  glass  breaks  so  easily  in  the  mail!" 
— Tennessee  iM niiiii'uiii/>. 

S 

Many  of  our  young  engineers  are 
spending  a  lot  of  time  tinkering  with 
the  Misses  in  their  motors. 

— Rensselaer  Pup. 

S 

The  French  Xegro  national  an- 
them: "Marseillaise  in  de  col'  col' 
ground."      — Amherst    Lord   Jeff. 


I 


|H 

Hj 

1 

BRESEE  BROS.  CLEANERS 

Cleaiimg«.Pressing..Tailoring 
Phone  4444 

1 

^1 

H 

Physical  Chiltiirc 


31 


(ontiiiiu'd  from  I'aye  7 ) 
to   mention   general   devilitation    aiul 
susceptibility    to    pyrorhea,    Theta's, 
athlete's  foot,  and  Rudy  Vallee." 

1  slipped  him  a  couple  of  boxes  of 
|iiils.  Take  two  after  every  meal,  I 
told  him.  Don't  eat  any  meat  or 
vegetables  and  stay  away  from  fruits. 
r^o  all  the  exercises  in  F'mily  Post's 
"Advanced  Exercises  for  A.  T.  O's 
and  Other  Advice  to  Young 
Husbands,"  particularly  the  one  on 
tempores  and  mores. 

After  telling  him  he  should  have 
an  operation  done  immediately,  I  in- 
formed him  that  otherwise  there  was 
nothing  serious  enough  to  keep  him 
from  his  regular  work.  Well  sir, 
that  snail  and  the  big  boob  went  out 
of  the  door  in  a  daze.  As  I  said, 
there  ain't  nothing  a  doctor  can't  do 
and  I'm  one  of  the  masterminds  of 
my  profession. 

Why  I've  transformed  women  with 
truck  chasses  and  dirty  necks  into 
bodies  by  Fisher.  The  bodies  by 
Fisher  were  most  always  hearses,  but 
then  the  principal  is  the  same.  Re- 
sults, that's  me. 

As  I  was  saying,  after  some  days 
had  passed,  I  was  sitting  with  my 
feet  on  the  desk  dictating  to  my  steno 
and  speculating  on  some  new  prob- 
lems of  anatomy  (it  has  always  been 
my  favorite  subject)  when  in  come 
the  shrimp.  He  looks  too  spirited 
so  I  parts  my  hair  and  gets  other- 
wise ready  to  leave  suddenly. 

"Boy,"  say  the  Kid  and  his  man 
agcr  in  one  breath — maybe  it  was  two 
but  I  was  holding  mine  and  couldn't 
tell  exactly, — "that  treatment  of 
yours  is  a  wow." 

"Wow,"  thinks  I,  wonderin},' 
which  ear  would  be  best  to  land  on. 
\  on  see  customers  don't  generally 
come  back. 

"Did  \ou  take  it  all  and  stick  tii 
directions?"  I  queries. 

"Who,  me?"  says  the  Kid.  "Naw, 
1  gave  it  to  the  guy  I  was  going  to 
fight  and  he  fainted  when  I  made  my 
first  pass." 

Upon  which  I  grins  broadly  and 
finishes  dictating  my  acceptance  of  a 
job  at  the  University  Health 
Service  station. 


WAISTCOATS   OF   REAL   QUALITY 

Before  you  buy  a  dress  or  dinner  waistcoat, 
make  it  a  point  to  look  for  the  green  label  of 
Catoir  Vesting  on  the  strap.  If  it  is  not  there, 
you  may  be  certain  that  you  are  not  getting 
the  best  in  either  fabric  or  workmanship. 

CatoiR 

tProtioimced  "KAT^WAH"! 
VESTINGS       FACINGS   ■    LININGS 


JLo  u  will  find 
Planters  Salted 
Peanuts  every- 
where. Everybody 
likes  them.  Big, 
crisp,  whole,  salted 
peanuts  that  make 
your  appetite  chuc- 
kle with  delight.  In 
glassine  bags  with 
Mr.  Peanut  on 
them.  5c  every- 
where. Look  for 
"The  Nickel 
Lunch." 

Planters  Nut  & 
Chocoi-ate  Co. 

U.S.A.  and  Caaada 


Planters 

Salted  Peanuts 


32 


The  SIREN 


It's  a  BLURB  FEST 

0  Just  a  couple  of  the  girls — but  they're  dis- 
cussing a  matter  of  rare  importance.  Small  talk  is 
out — the  weather  and  the  business  depression  have 
gone  the  way  of  all  good  bromides,  and  there  is 
something  new  under  the  sun.  It  is  BLURBS,  the 
game  everybody  is  talking  about.  It  s  not  only 
entertaining,  but  it  pays — twenty-four  cash  prizes 
each  month — and  it's  good  keen  fun.  It's  a  new  way 
to  spend  an  evening  and  not  spend  anything  else. 
Any  number  can  play,  and  the  possibilities  are  end- 
less. So  simple  that  even  your  cousin  Gus  from 
Germany,  who  can't  speak  a  word  of  English,  can 
play  it.  All  you  need  is  a  copy  of  the  latest  issue 
of  College  Humor  Magazine,  a  pair  of  scissors 
and  an  open  mind. 

THE  GAME  YOU  PLAY  ON  WORDS 

/?u/es  and  key  picture  every  month  in 

College  Humor 

A    G    A    Z    I    N 


PICTURES 


ARE 

INDISPENSIBLE 

SUCCESSFUL 
PUBLICATION 


Etchiti,oIr> 

Pho1-0''Enoi'<w)inps 

Colo  i^pl^tl?  vP 


G.RGRUBBeCO 

ENGRAVERS        i^ 

CHAMPAIGN,         ' 
ILLINOIS. 


^ 


/ 


DAVENPORT  FOR  SALE  — 
One  broken  leg,  a  twisted  arm,  anil 
we  might  add  (two  black  eyes!) 
Otherwise,  none  the  worse  for  hard 
usage.  Apply  Davenport  House  for 
particulars. 

(^IRLS!  DO  YOU  DRINK?— 
Smoke?  Pet?  Stay  out  after  hours? 
Tell  risque  stories  to  your  boy- 
friends? Have  you  dated  a  Deke? 
Ah !  But  there  comes  a  time  when 
one  must  think  of  the  more  serious 
things  of  life!  We  need  select  young 
ladies,  preferably  single,  to  place  in 
charge  of  the  future  generation.  Let 
us  get  you  a  job.  "Better"  Teachers' 
Agency. 

ARE  YOU  FAMrLL'\R  with 
the  newest  mode  of  fingering?  Do 
we  meet  you  on  "common  ground" 
\Ahen  we  mention  the  "touch"  sys- 
tem? Only  $1.50  per  lesson,  payable 
in  advance.  Apply  " Nobody 's-Biisi- 
ness"  College. 


rloint§  of  Appeal 
TO  THE 
CIEVEH 


SUITS 


The  clever  dresser  at  Illinois 
knows  the  value  of  the  many 
FLYNN  features.  FLYNN;S 
do  not  spare  time  or  money  in 
selecting  styles  that  out  last  and 
out  smart  every  thing  on  the 
campus 

Before  making  a  clothing  pur- 
chase consider  the  fact  that 
FLYNN'S   have   vour   needs 


A  Complete  Line  of  Thompson  Shoes 

FLYNN'S 


604  EAST  GREEN  STREET 


ON  THE  CAMPUS 


"LET'S  Go! 

Going  places  .  .  .  doing  things  .  .  .  and  smoking  Camels.  All  three 
are  in  the  modern  tempo. 

Camels,  gloriously  mild  and  mellow,  retain  all  the  delicate 
fragrance  of  choicest,  sun-ripened  tobaccos,  through  the  scientific 
care  with  which  they're  made.  There's  life  and  joy  in  such  a  smoke 
.  .  .  never  flat  nor  over-treated. 

"You're  going  somewhere  when  you  go  with 

Camels 


©  1931.  R.  J.  Reynolds  Tobacco 
Company,  Winston-Salem,  N.  C- 


SIRENi 


<A 


'^r^ 


'<r 


FOREIGN  EXCHANGE 
NUMBER  ^  TWO  BITS 


■  he  smoothest  incense  to  the 
green-eyed  goddess  since  the  introduction  of 
Cutting  In  .  .  .  cigarettes  that  really  SATISFY! 


MILDER  .  .  AND  ^^  BETTER  TASTE 


19M  Liggett  &  Mvfrs  Tobacco  Co. 


Exchange  Number 


Straight-forward 

Portrait — No  Side  Stepping 
Nor  Dodging — 


No 


"Strong 
Arm 


J9 


Salesmanship 


Phone  2268 


The  Hoyt  Studio 

KENNETH  EUGENE  FREDERICK 
623  East  Green  Street 


Mr.  Frederick  personally  makes  each  sitting 


77/('SIRFN 


Gold  and  Other  Prizes 

(liven  to  Lucky  ('oiiplcs 

E\  ery  Saturday 

at 

BILL 
DONAHUE'S 

(Over  Prchn's) 
For  the  rest  of  the  year 

ADMISSION 

Friday  $1  Nights 

Saturday  Nights  $2 

Prizes  Donated  by  University  District 
Business  Men 

BILL  DONAHUE'S 

(Over   I'ifliD's  ,V-   Kaiirman's) 


CALL  THE 


Powder  Puff 


and  get  that  permanent 
wave.  We  can  give  you 
a  soft  natural  looking 
wave  that  will  last 
through  the  social  season 


IV e  use  soft  water  for  shampooitiil 
7(12  South  CJoodwin  Phone  7-2595 


"Hush,  Junior,  the  Sandman's  coming." 
"Why,  mother,   I  thought   you  had   ivl'ornied." 

—MiiuK-sola  Ski-i'-Ma/i. 


You  Big  Bully,  You! 

And  so,  on  this  fine  spring  day,  the  horny  cow,  some- 
times called  a  bull,  wandered  down  the  road  in  quest  of  his 
fayre  lady.  Spring  was  in  his  step,  and  in  his  blood  lurked 
the  desire  for  a  meadow  lark. 

He  stopped  abruptly  as  he  saw  the  object  of  his  gambol- 
ing in  a  nearby  meadow.  He  jumped  the  fence,  and  sidled 
up  to  the  calf,  for  so  it  turned  out  to  be.  But  since  our  hero's 
motto  was  "Get  'em  young,"  he  was  determined  to  cow  this 
fayre  creature  by  his  line  of  bull. 

"Ah  ha!"  he  started  walking  towards  the  calf,  "How 
about  a  little  smacker  for  a  starter,  my  divine  one?" 

"Aw,  youse  stop,"  said  her  mother's  child,  quite  awed 
by  the  dastard.     "My  lips  are  fer  anudder.  ' 

^Reserve  Red  Cat. 


If  you  had  dated  a  co-ed  yovi  thought  was  real  sweet 

As  I  did 
And  she  got  rid  of  the  family  real  early 

As  I  did 
And  you  started  to  talk  about  the  weather 

As  I  did 
And  slie  seemed  Iiard  of  liearing  and  kept  i;etting  closerj 

As  I  did 
But  \ou  tliouglit  there  was  plent\'  of  air  in  the  room 

As  I  did 
But  she  startetl  to  act  like  she  was  half  suffocated 

As  I  did 
WHAT  WOULD  YOU  HAVE  DONK? 

Tiiat's  what  I  did  ! 

— Boston  Bciin  Pot. 


Exchange  Number 


The  cars  that  collided 
on  purpose - 

foi'  a  inhoratovy  test! 


Crash!    A  flat  car   loaded   with  reels   of  cahle   s'ams   into   a  standing 
freight  train.    A    movie    camera    grinds    away.    Watching  intently  is  a 
Slow  movies  of  the      group  of  men  — Western  Electric  engineers  .  .  .  What  did  such  a  test 

test  caught  uhat       or  o 

no  eye  could. 

show?  Just  this  —  that  the  new  steel  reel  for  telephone  cable  does  not 
break  under  severe  impacts  —  and  the  old  style  reel  may  .  .  .  The  stag- 

Changing  a  Jamil- 
,.,..,....  .1  f  »vT  ni  .    1         •"'"   scene    Steel 

ing  ol  this  collision  is  just  one  more  evidence  ot   Western  islectric  s     reels replaceivood. 
never-ending   quest  for  certainty  ...  It  is   a   part,   too,  of  a  policy 

:         of  giving  new  ideas  a  thorough  trial  —  a  policy  which  enables  Western 

Always   open    to 
new     ideas    and 

better  methods.  Electric  to  meet  its  ever  growing  responsibilities  in  the  Bell  Sjatem. 

Western  Electric 

\Aaniifacturers .    Purchasers.. .  T>istributors 

SINCE     1882     F  O  I!    ^n        r  II  E    BELL    SYSTEM 


The  SIREN  E' 


Editorial  Staff 

Allan  Niess Associate  Editor  Doc   Blackeslee Assistant  Editor 

Joyce  Newbill Woman's  Editor  Lars    Halvorsen Make-Up  Editor 

Harvey    Kring Assistant   Editor  Marion   Irrmann Exchange  Editor 

Wayne   Morgan Assistant  Editor  Lou  Ruskin „ Art  Editor 

Catherine   Haynie Assistant  Editor  Harold   Bowen Assistant  Art  Editor 

Charles  Jacobson,  Sidney  Turner,  H.  E.  Nelson,  Dorothy  Pelzer,  Eleanor  Dollins,  Henry  Avery, 
O.  Becker,  Martha  Righter,  Douglas  Frost,  Clifford  McCartin,  Ed  Malley,  Hal  Jewell,  David 
[ones,  Helen  Clayton,  Helen  Howarth,  Bill  Amsler,  Jane  Fauntz,  Roy  Smith,  Dorothy  Melvin, 
Jnanita  Ramcy. 

Business  Staff 

M.   E.   Gosnell Idvertising  Mffr.  John    McCormick Circiilaliun    Mi/r. 

Ray  Ball Ass't  Adv.  Mgr.  William   Zoeller Collection  Mgr. 

Francis   MacTaggert Copy  Mgr.  Betty  Lou   Hughes Office  Mgr. 

Virginia    Morton,  Charlotte   Schminke. 

Published  monthly  by  the  Illini  Publishing  Company,  University  of  Illinois,  during  the  college  year. 
Entered  as  second-class  matter  at  the  Post-Office  at  Urbana.  Illinois,  by  act  of  Congress,  March  3,  1879. 
Office  of  publication,  Illini  Publishing  Company.  Subscription  price  $1.00  the  year.  Address  all  com- 
munications. Illinois  rni,.n  Buildins.  Champaign,  Illinois.  CopMi.^ht.  19,!1,  bv  The  Siren.  Exclusive  reprint 
rights  granted  to  GHlgcHUDlOT  magazine. 


GIRLS!  NOTICE! 


Exacth'  one  month,  more  oi'  Ics.s.  fiom  this  month  theie  will  appear  a  Ciirl's  Xumber  of  the  Siren.  And 
because  in  tlie  spriiifj  thoiijihts  turn  lightly  to  things  of  lo\e,  all  the  sirens  on  the  campus  are  urged  to 
write  down  their  emotions,  lines,  e.xperiences,  and  whatnot  in  shorthand  and  bring  them  down  to  the  Siren. 
.And,  girls,  after  securing  a  particularly  good  article,  item,  or  joke  for  the  (jirl's  Number  of  the  Siren  please 
write  it  out  in  longhand.  There  are  two  system.s  of  shorthand  in  use  and  members  of  the  Siren  staff  know 
()nl\  the  third.  The  fellows,  not  knowing  a  great  deal  about  girls,  cannot  be  expected  to  do  more  than 
their  best — but  it  will  be  welcome.  The  (jirl  nunibei-  will  portrax'  the  campus  ladies  at  their  best — or 
worst,  (iirls,  it  all  depends  on  you  and  your  contribs.  Parley-vous?  Contrib  box  in  Siren  office  and  next 
to  Scout  box  in  I  lu   Mall. 


I 


Exchange  Number 


EDITORIAL 

The  days  of  the  Floyd  Gibbonses  and  the  Walter  Winchells  are  at  hand,  Heaven  help  \is,  ami  like 
the  little  child  that  led  the  wild  beasts  across  the  Red  Sea  (that's  wrong,  but  I  never  got  farther  than 
Genesis  page  twelve)  we  are  being  led  in  literary  circles,  at  least  circles.  Like  good  old  Wally  Wincliell, 
we  have  peeked  through  the  keyholes  and  hid  under  beds  of  other  college  comics,  metaphorically  speaking  of 
course.  And  after  gleaning  the  choicest  bits  (here  we  diverge  from  Walter)  of  art  and  humor  from  our 
fellow  wits,  are  taking  this  opportunity,  before  someone  knocks,  to  sliout  it  to  the  world  like  Gibbons  over 
W.  G.  N.,  perhaps  a  bit  subdiied  but  reverberating  just  the  same. 

The  world  seems  to  be  full  of  pseudo-critics  who,  in  the  nationalistic  spirit  of  the  French  Revolu- 
tion, attempt  to  supress  a  free  flow  of  garblings  and  nonsensical  gibber  that  keep  the  tendons  of  our 
laughing  muscles  limber.  It  is  to  this  type  of  individual  that  this  exchange  number  is  dedicated.  For 
those  poor  souls  into  whose  lives  a  laugh  has  never  oozed,  those  pitiful  creatures  who  are  want  to  dub  any 
enterprise  other  than  their  own  as  "farce  or  fruitless,"  we  offer  up  a  prayer;  and  a  drink  (for  ourselves). 

For  those  gay  youngsters  of  all  ages  who  splash  in  our  pool  of  humor  and  satire  with  us,  and  enjoy  the 
water,  whether  it  be  a  bit  too  hot  or  a  bit  too  salty,  we  offer  up  another  prayer.  And  if  you  are  any  sort  of 
worshipper  at  the  shrine  of  horse  sense  you'll  see  that  our  first  prayer  will  never  reach  Heaven,  not  by  a 
Hell  of  a  sight! 

Let  the  Siren  be  a  Pied  Piper  and  lead  you  in  a  roving  over  our  fair  land  to  see  the  milk  and  honey 
that  flows  over  the  mountains  in  other  schools.  If  you  see  a  joke  that  to  you  seems  as  old  as  the  Egyptians, 
remember  dear  reader  that  even  we  hvnnans  are  prone  to  dig  up  old  mummies  just  to  see  what  they  look 
like  in  new  surroundings.  If  you  see  a  new  joke,  laugh,  and  laugh  like  Hell.  An  "A"  was  never  given  to 
him  who  failed  to  laugh  at  a  professor's  joke,  so  learn  now  tlie  value  of  response. 


Scientific  Treatise  on  Women 

Note:  IIuiiKii  ivithout  sex  appeal,  Seotchman.  travelliny  salesmen,  absent-minded  professors,  or  puns 
ivould  be  like  a  Iravellitig  salesman  uithoiit  a  night's  lodt/ini/.  A  thoroiit/h  delving  into  all  of  these  ivoiild 
be  interesting,  but  as  your  time  is  limited,  ice  have  eliosen  the  siibjee/s  about  ivhieh  the  least  is  knoirn  so 
as  to  further  your  attempt  at  a  liberal  ediieation.  The  Purple  Parrot  is  responsible  for  this  valuable  trea- 
tise.    Start  here. 

As  a  whole,  women  are  divided  into  two  parts,  hot  and  cold,  like  the  faucets  on  a  bathtub. 

It  is  our  opinion  that  the  cold  women  should  be  subdivided  into  intelligent  and  Luiintelligent.  It  is 
in  reference  to  these  non-productive  women  that  a  by-gone  bard  sang:  "As  I  gaze  over  the  unexpansive 
wastes,  a  feeling  of  deep  .sorrow  inundates  me  in  rolling  swells.  ' 

We  now  attack  the  women  who  are  productive  of  many  possibilities:  the  receptive  type.  These  we 
split  into  two,  willing  and  unwilling.  Upon  the  unwilling  women  we  frown  in  displeasure  on  account  of 
their  niggardliness  and  lack  of  feeling,  and,  sighing  over  their  waste,  dismiss  them — reluctanth'. 

The  willing  women  next  engage  our  feelings.  Once  the  women  are  both  warm  and  willing,  it  becomes 
a  matter  of  splitting  hairs  to  subdivide  them.  But  that  we  shall  do.  We  split,  therefore,  warm,  willing 
women  into  beautifid  and  non-beautiful.  By  beauty  we  do  not  meaji  well-created  or  retouched  features, 
necessarily,  but  rather  "sex  appeal,"  which  is  beauty  in  the  sensual  rather  than  the  aesthetic  .sense.  Instead 
of  well-created  features  we  prefer  well-created  legs  encased  in  full-fashioned  hose. 

But  we  digress.     Our  thoughts,  in  the  words  of  the  preacher,  lay  on  liigher  and  better  things. 

The  beautiful  women  are  now  divided  again  into  intelligent  and  unintelligent.  This  is  mere  quibbling 
because  the  wiser  the  woman,  the  less  intelligent  she  seems.  However,  it  is  our  personal  desires  that  make 
us  lay  down  this  classification.     This,  then,  is  our  ultimate  objective. 

Left   now  witli   the  warm.   wiUing.   beautiful,   and   intelligent  woiu,-ui.   there  we  stav. 


7//rSIKI{N 


FABLE 

"My  dear,"  said  the  professor  with 
a  nervous  little  laugh,  "I've  forgotten 
something." 

His  wife  looked  up  from  across  tlie 
breakfast  table.  "Really,  H.  H.  (1 
gue.ss  he  was  only  an  instructor,  at 
that).    What  was  it?" 

He  leaned  over  and  tweaked  her 
nose.  "Rascal,"  he  said,  "but  seri- 
ously, you  really  must  help  me.  I'xc 
a  feeling  it  was  important  and  if  I 
don't  find  it  stories  will  go  around 
again  about  my  absent-mindedness, 
.\ou  know." 

"Brush  your  teeth?" 

"Yes." 

"Have  you  still  your  cold  manner 
and  aloofness  that  keeps  your  stu- 
dents from  completely  understanding 
you  ? " 

"Certainly." 

"And  your  mania  for  researcli 
which  dulls  your  personality  and 
power  to  inspire  their  intellects?" 

"Of  course." 

"What  about  your  'bookishness,' 
your  inability  to  grasp  the  practical 
problems  of  life?" 

"Safe  and  sound." 

"What  about — " 

The  ritualistic  questioning  con- 
tinued for  hours  without  success.  The 


/ 


"Sa>',  from  here  on  I'm  going  to  drive!" 

— Harvard  Lampoon. 

furrow  was  still  in  the  professorial 
brow  at  dinner.  Dessert  came  and 
his  fog-bound  mind  groped  \et  hope- 
lessly. 

"Eat  your  fruit,   H.   H.,  it's  good 

for  your  digestion." 

-  ]  "Digestion — digestion!", — and    the 

•"  austere     old     fellow    screamed    with 

glee.      He    rolled    on    the    floor    and 

laughed  and  laughed,  and  laughed. 

"'Lizabeth!"    he    shrieked.  "'Liza- 

beth,  listen :  I  gave  these  cascara  pills 

to  the  dear  boys,  and  took  their  exams 

myself,"  and  weakly  he  held  his  sides. 

— Purple  Parrot. 


% 


\ 


"^^ 


X 


Dearie,  Dearie  me,  Bertie,  I  am  afraid  I  didn't  save  any  room  lor  this. 

—Pitlshunih  Pill  Panllur. 


Artist's  model:  "And  I  says  to  my 
husband,  'Ten  dollars!  Do  you  want 
me  to  go  around   NAKED?'  " 

— Muhiijan  Garyoylc. 


Exchaniie  N louhcr 


An  Old  Wrinkle 


Bv  Charlotte  Brown 


Although  a  sophomore  in  college,  I  am  a  gentleman  b\ 
nature.  But  even  the  slimiest  segment  of  mangled  manhootl 
would  have  done  what  I  did  last  New  Year's  Eve. 

Somehow  I  had  become  separated  from  my  part)'.  I  re- 
member a  blare  of  horns — a  storm  of  confetti — a  rush  of 
human  bodies — the  sensation  of  being  plucked  from  the 
earth  and  thrown  upward  and  outward — and  resting  at  last 
under  a  lamp  post  in  an  area  of  sidewalk  spiked  with  broken 
glass. 

The  region  in  which  1  was  so  painfully  situated  must 
have  been  a  quiet  business  section  of  tiic  city,   for  althougii 


no  mob  of  nicrr\niakers  swirled  through  the  street,  there 
were  rows  of  half-lighted  stores  and  office  buildings  on  all 
sides  of  me. 

I  felt  warped  and  woozy,  also  injured,  due  to  maintain- 
ing a  sitting  posture  so  long  on  the  broken  glass.  As  I 
creakily  pulled  myself  up  from  the  sidewalk  by  means  of 
the  lamp  post,  I  saw — 

A  girl  in  the  gutter!  P"uming  with  fury  at  the  (lends  in 
fleshy  form  who  would  allow  their  holiday  hilarity  to  over- 
come them  to  the  extent  of  casting  harmless  women  and 
sophomores  into  gutters  and  on  sidewalks,  I  pulled  the  girl 
out  of  the  street.  She  was  quite  gorgeous,  but  wore  no 
sorority  pin  or  purse,  so  I  didn't  know  who  or  what  she 
was.  I  couldn't  think  of  a  suitable  place  to  deposit  her  with- 
out ruining  her  reputation  (being  a  gentleman,  I  assumed 
that  it  was  a  good  one),  so  I  decided  to  take  her  with  me 
back  to  the  frat  house. 

Bravely  bearing  the  helpless  woman  in  my  arms,  I  stag- 
geringly staulked  a  taxi.  Next  morning  we  reached  the 
house.  No  one  was  in  except  the  grind-pledge  and  the 
house  mother,  who  was  tactfully  asleep.  Nobly  refraining 
from  even  stealing  a  kiss  from  the  girl's  most  delectable 
lips,  I  carried  her  into  the  room  of  the  house  mother,  care- 
fully laid  her  down  by  the  prostrate  bulk  of  that  estimable 
lady,  and  tenderly  covered  her  up  with  one  of  my  own 
blankets. 

I  was  disappointed  the  next  morning  when  my  girl  did 
not  appear  at  breakfast  with  the  house  mother.  Of  course 
she'd  want  to  know  what  had  happened  to  her,  and  who 
had  saved  her,  where  he  was,  and  how  could  she  ever  thank 

him? 

"Fun  is  fun,"  our  house  mother  was  saying.  Ah,  now 
she  was  going  to  mention  the  girl ;  all  such  communications 
to  us  she  prefaced  in  such  a  manner.  "But  whoever  brought 
the  shop  window  dummy  into  my  room  last  night  will  have 
to  take  it  back  to  its  owner  tomorrow." — 5.  C.  IVampus. 


'Just  after  the  bottle,  Mother." 

—I'riin.    Sld/i-    I'rol/i. 


And  as  the  fighters  danced  around   the  ring,  we  knew 
that  a  new  tango  would  soon  take  the  world  b\  storm. 

—Penn.  -Puiuh  Boiil." 


'My  Gawd,  fellers!     It's  all  a  mistake!    We've  dug  up  an 
old  Fraternity  brother." 

—Pillshiuijli  I'ill  I'anl/iii: 


HELL! 

She  lay  there  before  nic,  young, 
virginal,  inviting.  Her  beautiful 
body  was  revealed  to  my  eager  eyes 
in  all  its  undefiled  purity,  quivering 
and  tender,  supple  and  yielding.  My 
repressions  of  the  last  few  days  of 
expectancy  surged  up  and  overpow- 
ered me — I  could  resist  her  cliarms 
no  longer.  Frenziedly  I  grasped  her, 
unresisting  my  advances,  and  pressed 
my  hungry  lips  against  her  soft,  white 
flesh.  Delirium,  madness  of  ecstasy, 
oblicion.  .  .  . 

An  hour  later,  exhausted  and  sati- 
ated, I  gazed  feebly  on  the  bare 
skeleton  in  front  of  me.  (lod,  that 
was  a  fine  roast  chicken ! 

— A iiihirst  Lord  Ji'j}. 


First  engineer:  WJiat's  a  tail 
spin  ? 

Second  engineer:  It's  the  last  wori 
in  .iviation.       — Kansas  Sour  Oiil. 


77; r  SI  REN 


REMINISCENCES 

.Many  years  after  graduating  from 
iiis  alma  mater  a  professor  managed 
to  obtain  a  faculty  position  there. 
I?oth  as  a  new  member  of  the  faculty 
and  as  an  alumnus  he  visited  his  old 
room  in  the  fraternity  hou.se. 

"Same  old  double-decker,"  he  mut- 
tered, "same  old  bathroom,  same  old 
pictures,  same  old  carpets." 

Then  he  opened  the  door  of  an- 
other room  and  found  there  a  young 
student  and  a  beautiful  co-ed. 

"Er — meet  my  sister,  professor," 
said  the  student. 

"Same  old  lies,"  muttered  the  pro- 
fessor again,  backing  out  of  the  room. 

— Northtiestern  Purple  Parrot. 


-S- 


He    (phoning):      Do   you   have   a 
date  tonight,  Grace? 

She  (  a  bit  frigidly)  :   Yes,  I  have. 
He:     Oh!    Congratulations! 

— Black  and  Blue  Jay. 


Professor  {looking  at  his  watch): 
As  we  have  a  few  minutes,  I  should 
like  to  have  someone  ask  a  question 
that  is  bothering  him. 

Stude:     What  time  is  it,  please? 
— Carneffie  Pufiprt. 


Autobiography  of  an  old  maid:    "I 
never  played  indoor  sports." 

— Prnn.   Bundi   Boivl. 


Texas  Pete's  Last  Stand. 


Exchange  Number 


She:  "Some  day  I'm  going  to 
speak  my  mind  and  then  when  I 
do—" 

He  (disgustedly):  "Yeah,  and 
when  you  do,  I'll  sure  be  enjoying 
the  great  silence!" 

— Ohio  Stri/r  Sim  DiiiL 

S 

Then     there     was    the    Scotchman 
who    wrote    "Just    a    Little    Closer, 
Dear,"  and  dedicated  it  to  his  wife. 
— Cornell  Widow. 


(icorc/e:  "^cs.  sir  if  I  ever  t/tt 
nuirrieil  it  iiill  Ix  strictly  n  coiii- 
j-diiionatv    iiiiirriiii/f." 

Mnry:     ■■ll'liat!  No  kiddiny?" 
—  //  iishiui/tnn    ('.oltimn. 

"I  want  to  trade  this  roadster  for 
a  coupe." 

"What's   the   matter  with   it?" 
"Nothing,  only  I  quit  chewing  to- 
bacco." — Wdhash  Caveninn. 


First  Castaway:  "I  wonder  what 
day  of  the  week  this  is?  " 

Second:  "It  must  be  Thursday; 
here  comes  that  pest  selling  Saturday 
Evcniru/  Prists  again.  " 

— Amherst — Lord  Jeff- 


A  professor  with  a  bald  pate  and 
a  profuse  mustache  illustrates  our 
definition  of  misdirected  energy. 

— Kansas  Sour  On  I. 


but  I  thought  ><Hi  were  a  hunting  and  fishing  enthusiast?" 

—Oliiii   Slalr  Sun   Dial. 


Father:  "Lucille,  this  disappoints 
me  dreadfully,  seeing  you  smoke. 
You're  no  daughter  of  mine." 

Lucille:     "Cheer  up,  dad — I  won't 
tell  a  soul."                    — Wet  I leii. 
S 

Prof:  Surely  you  din't  come  right 
out  and  tell  him  you  loved  him. 

Daughter:  No,  Dad,  he  squeezed 
it  out  of  me.  — Kansas  Sour  Uivl. 


"Right  now,"  confessed  the  Happer 
gazing  into  the  eyes  of  her  escort 
across  the  table,  "I'm  sitting  on  the 
ragged  edge  of  despair." 

"My  goodness  gracious,"  gasped 
her  startled  companion,  "I  didn't 
even  know  you  tore  'em.  I'll  bu\ 
you   another   pair."  — Bison. 


He:  "Why  wait  till  we  get  home 
to  tell  me  whetlier  \ou'll  marry  me 
or  not? " 

She:  "I'm  scared;  this  is  the  very 
spot  where  my  father  proposed  to 
mother.  " 

He:     "What  about  it?" 

She:  "Well,  on  the  way  home, 
the  horse  ran  away  and  father  was 
killed."  — Wabash   Caveman. 


10 


The  SIREN 


Ab-'A^Vv 


Is  there  a  DOCTOR  in  the  audience? 

— ('.luncijif   Ttili.   Piipfit. 


FROM  ENGLISH  SOURCES 

The  great  strike  of  1927  brought  all  the  railroads 
throughout  England  to  a  standstill.  In  desperation  there 
was  a  call  for  volunteers  which  was  answered  by  many  of 
the  young  sports  and  aristocrats  of  the  nation.  One  young 
(Oxford  blood  in  particular  who  was  blessed  with  enthusiasm 
and  cursed  with  ignorance  boldly  mounted  the  Flying  Scot, 
England's  and  the  world's  fastest  train,  running  between 
Edinburgh  and  London.  The  passengers  in  all  confidence 
boarded,  and  the  train  pulled  out  of  Edinburgh. 

Some  time  later  the  Flying  Scot  ground  to  a  screaming 
stop  in  the  London  terminal,  four  hours  and  twenty  minutes 
ahead  of  time.  The  passengers,  station  officials,  and  digni- 
taries rushed  along  the  platform  to  ofifer  their  congratula- 
tions to  an  engineer  who  had  perfonned  so  remarkable  a 
task.  They  were  met  by  a  weird  spectacle.  A  young  man, 
liaggard  of  look,  covered  with  grease  and  sweat,  eyes  sunk, 
the  picture  of  total  exhaustion  climbed,  rather  fell,  down 
the  steps  of  the  cab. 

"Don't  thank  me,"  he  gasped,  "Thank  Cjod  I  just  found 
out  how  to  stop  this  damned  thing." 

— Dm  I  mouth  Jtu  k-o'-Lnnltrn. 


l)i:.\R  Sox: 

I  just  read  in  the  paper  that  students  who  don't  smoke 
make  much  higher  grades  than  those  who  do.    This  is  some- 
thing for  you  to  think  about.  Father. 
i  )p;.\R  Father: 

I  have  thougiit  about  it.  Hut  truthfully  1  would  rather 
make  a  W  and  have  the  enjoyment  of  smoking;  in  fact,  I 
would  rather  smoke  and  drink  and  make  a  C.  Furthermore, 
I  would  rather  smoke  and  drink  and  neck  and  make  a  D. 

Son. 
Dear  Son : 

"I'll  break  your  neck  if  you  flunk  in  anything. 

Father. 
— Kansas  Sour  Out. 


GWfFITH— 


See,  Archie ;  that's  what  comes  from  biting 
your  fingernails. 

— loKa   Gii'fn   Gander. 


Exchange  Number 


HORSEY 

A  story  is  told  of  a  young  m;iii 
who  went  walking  in  the  country. 
He  suddenly  came  upon  a  nice  horse 
grazing  in  the  field.  He  was  per- 
haps the  prettiest  horse  he  had  laid 
his  eyes  on.  He  walked  up  to  the 
farmer  near-by  and  said : 

"Do  you  want  to  sell  that  horse?" 

"Sure,  I  want  to  sell  the  horse," 
the  farmer  replied. 

"Can  he  run?" 

"Can  he  run?  Look,"  thereupon 
slapping  the  part  of  the  horse  some- 
times used  for  that  purpose,  and  off 
trotted  the  horse  full  speed,  running 
just  as  prettily  as  could  be. 

The  young  man  thought  he  had 
never  seen  a  prettier  horse.  Sudden- 
ly the  horse  ran  full  speed  into  a 
tree. 

"Is  he  blind?"  the  young  fellow 
hurriedly  blurted. 

The  farmer  thought  even  quicker. 

"Hell  no,"  he  drawled.  "He  just 
doesn't  give  a  damn." 

— Michigan   Gargoyle. 


THE  ORIGINAL  HANGOVER. 


— Texas  l.onglinni. 


Does      anybody      remember 
"neck"  was  a  noun  ? 

— Ptiin.  State  Fioth 


hen 


Bouncer    (to  couple)  :     Hey    you, 
you  can't  dance  that  way  here! 

Boy:     Why  not?     This  is  merely 
interpretative  dancing. 

Bouncer:  Then  I'm  interpreting  it 
the  wrong  way.    Out  you  go. 

— ff'isrotisin   (hlapiis. 


First  debater:  Now  that  Cieneral 
(irant  is  dead,  we  must  think  of  him 
in  the  past  tense. 

Second  debater:     Granted! 

— Cornell  Jlithnv. 


Father  (reading  stories  to  five  year 
old  son) — and  then  out  of  the  woods 
came  a  fairy  prince,  and  wlio  do  ynu 
suppose  it  was  ? 

Son :     Rudy  Vallee. 

— Penn.   Punch   Boicl. 


"Don't  mention  it." 


-Yale  lieenrJ. 


12 


The  SIREN 


"But,  Oscar,  THAT  isn't  poetry!" 

— Darlmnutli  Jiu  k-a'-liuitnii. 


Exc/iattge  N unihcr 


"    SCOTCHA  AGAIN 

A  Scotthinim  was  returning  lionir 
laic  one  niffht  iihen  he  uns  aceostcd 
by  a  couple  of  ynngsters  uho  de- 
manded his  money.  Instead  of  coin- 
plying.  Sandy  struck  out  wildly  and 
there  then  ensued  a  terrific  battle. 
The  Scot  lias  overuhelined.  hou-evcr. 
by  superior  Height  and  numbers,  but 
not  before  he  had  left  his  mark  on 
his  assailants.  Panting,  they  sat  doun 
beside  him  and  rested.  1  hen  they 
proceeded  to  search  the  recumbent 
form.  After  an  exhaustive  search  one 
unearthed  a  nickel.  "Migaiid,  ice' re 
lucky."  he  breathed.  "Lucky/  If'ot 
da  yuh  meonf  hissed  the  other.  The 
first  one  glared  at  him.  "(jripes. 
you're  lucky  you  arc  aliiu.  Suppose 
he'd  had  a  dime!" 

— Ohio  State  Sun  Dial. 


"My  name's  Wallet." 
"What's  in  a  name?" 

— Penn.  Punch  Boui. 

s 


^Purple  Coii- 


The  heavy  sugar  (huhh  and  a  new 
chorus  girl  were  enjoying  a  little 
dinner  in  a  private  loom  at  a  load- 
house. 

As  the  meal  neared  its  finish  he 
cleared  his  throat  and  said :  "Eer,  cr. 
how  about  a  little  demitasse  now, 
dear?" 

"1  knew  it!  1  knew  it!"  explodei! 
the  girl.  "1  knew  \ou  weien't  treat- 
ing me  this  nice  for  nothing.  " 

— IVashington   I '.  Dirge. 


First  Indoor  Sport:  Do  you.se 
tink  cigar  smokin'  is  hard  on  the 
eyes? 

Second  Bum:  Damn  right!  1  was 
nearly  blind  before  1  foiuid  one 
worth  pickin'  up  this  morning. 

— Penn.  Punch  Bout. 


-S- 


"You're  too  damn  close 
I  mouthed." 

"Oh,  none  of  your  lip." 

—Ciirtirll     IflJiKU. 


hirst    she  s    in    your    thoughts    a    lot. 

She   has   many   charms: 
Soon  sill's  in  your  motor  i/ir: 
Then   she's   in   your   arms. 
I  h(ii  she  s  m  your  family: 

Oh.   a   Inckaday! 
I  hen.    of   course,   for    evermore 

She  is  in  your  -way. — Punch  Boiil. 


Jewish:      "What     time     does     the 

train   go   to   Cleveland  ?" 
Agent:     "Six  forty-nine." 
Jewish  again:     "Make  it  si\-tiiirt\ 

and  I'll  take  it." 

— Oliio  State  Sun  Dial. 


Doctoi':     "Sa\  aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah." 
Galli  Curci:     "C^h,  please,  doctor, 
let's  not  talk  shop." 

— Dartmouth   .lack-o'-Lantern. 


14 


7/7<  SIK[{N 


"Dammit,  the  diiiiiniy's  down."  drooled  Driscoll.  "Lead  out  your  trump.  Gabriel, 
this  looks  like  a  dirty  knight's  work.  It  was  a  good  blow,  but  I  gust  what  was  coming. 
Hail,  Mary,  snow  use  any  longer,  it's  lightning  already."  "Do  you  use  Ferry  Soap," 
quavered  Buxtelude.     "No,   flit.  My  God,  I'm  finessed."  —llur-vard  Lampoon. 


I  had  just  been  pledged.  Joy 
rtigiied  in  my  soul  as  I  went  to  bed 
that  night  in  the  Sigma  Xu  house 
tor  tlic  first  time. 

The  next  morning  1  awoke — 
supremely  happy.  And  appropriately 
enough  it  was  a  glorious  day.  There 
were  long  grassscs  swaying  in  the 
breeze.  Gentle  trees  curved  grace- 
tuliy  upwards  and  beamed  to  me 
below.  Pretty  (lowers  dotted  the 
surroundings  here  and  there.  A  riot 
of  striking  colors  greeted  my  joyou.s 
eye.  Above  me  were  pairs  of  love 
birds  fluttering  abovit  their  quaint 
nests.     A  glorious  paradise! 

"Wonderful,"  thought  I  as  1  lay 
contentedly  in  my  bed,  "never  have 
I  seen  such  wonderful  wall-paper." 

— Northlirs/crn   Purple   Parrot. 


"No!  Collins  does  not  live 
here.  I  tell  you !  This  is  the  pool 
room." 

(Voice  over  phone) :  "I  re- 
peat, does  Collins  live  there?" 

—Oliio  Slalf  Sun  Dial. 


"I'm  afraid  my  husband  hasn't 
much  sales  resistance." 

"What's  he  done  now?" 

"In  the  first  place  he  let  a  man  sell 
him  a  lot  two  feet  under  water,  and 
when  I  insisted  on  him  getting  his 
money  back,  the  same  man  sold  him 
a  gasoline  launch  and  a  cop>'  of  'Gold 
Days  in  Venice.'  " 

—Drc.Xi/   Drcxcrd. 

S 

('.(iiinilxil:  That  last  iiirl  ive 
iixikcil  icas   too   hot   to   cut. 

Ciiiin.     dhirf:     Another     one     of 
those  iliiiiin   eo-eds. 

—  The  Pitt  Panther. 

S 

"Can  you  beat  that,  "  cried  the 
archaeologist  as  he  gazed  at  the  big 
dinosaur  egg.     — (Cornell  IVidoiv. 


A 


Exchange  Numhet 


15 


Drunk:     Hie  -  make  it  for  two! — Wesleyan  Wasp. 


Soph:     Jf^hat's  your  ikiiiic.  Phbe? 
Frosli:     Quitz  Jones,  sir. 
Soph:     If  hcrc'/i  you  yet  /hat  luiiiie  Quitz? 
Frosh:     Ifheti  I  ivas  born  my  father  ranie  in  and  sau 
•tr.     lie  sail!  to   mother,  "jMary,  let's  rail  it   Quitz!  " 

— (iarne//ie   I'eeh.  Puppet. 


What  time  is  it,  dear? 
"Pull — ovah  time." 

— Curniyir  Treli.  Pupprl. 


"Who'll  take  'the  life  of  Amos  and  Andy'  for 
one  dollar?" 

— lioslon  Beaiipol. 


7/;rSlKKN 


VILLAIN 

.Mi-tt  j(A'  the  Tattoo  Man — he  has 
designs  on  every  co-ed  around  here. 
— \(jrtlniistirn  Pur  file  Parrot. 

S 


She:     ")(iu  say  I  hey  arrrslctl  Ihtit 
iliiiK  rr  for  no  rciisoii  ill  nil.'" 

lie:     ".\o,  for  no  t/nuzr  at  nil." 
—M.  I.  •/'.  /'oo  Doo. 

S 


"1  \  (■  ^ot  a  \eii   for  you." 
"How    much    is   tliat   in   American 
mone\  ?" 

— Ohio   Sun   Dinl. 


Haven't  seen  you  since  the  Wall  street  clean-up. 

— ll'iUiani   I'urftic   Caii' 


ANALOGY 

Englishman  draws  forth  a  soxereign 
and  announces : 

"Behold  the  face  of  the  king  that 
made  my  grandfather  a  lord." 

American  draws  forth  a  nickel  and 
says:     "Pipe  the  mug  of  the  redskin 
that  made  my  grandfather  an  angel." 
—A'.   U.  Purflc  Pnrrot. 
S 

■  /  fond  mother,  tchosc  diuu/litcr 
had  not  lonic  home  tit  the  iisnnl  time. 
(jreiv  norrted  at  her  (thseme.  so  she 
telegraphed  five  of  her  dnuf/htei's 
best  friends,  askiiu/  ulieri  Mary  icns. 
Shortly  after  her  daiu/hter's  return, 
the  ansivers  to  her  telee/rnms  arrived. 
Eaeh  one  read,  "Don't  ivory,  Mary 
is  stayini/  uith   me  tonight." 

— Harvard   Lampoon. 
S 

The  haughty  sc-nior  girl  sniffed 
disdainfully  as  the  tin\  frcsliman  cut 
in.  ".And  just  why  did  you  have  to 
cut  in  wlicn  1  was  dancing?"  she  in- 
quired nastilv. 

The  freshman  hung  his  lieaii  witli 
shame.  "I'm  sorry,  ma'am,  '  he  said, 
"but  I'm  working  nn  wa\  tlirough 
college  and  your  partnei  was  waving 
a  five  dollar  liill  at  me." 

— Purple  Pnrrot. 


"Oil,  \es,  tile  girls  up  at  the  .Alpha 
Xi    Delta    house    are    very    religious, 
luci\    time   1    ualk  tlirough  the  door 
1    hear  them  niurnuir,  ".Ah,  men." 
—  Ohio  State  Sun  Dial. 


"1  don't  like  him — he's  so  damned  loud!" 

— Californui  Pelii  an. 


Exchange  N nmhcr 


17 


Hail,  Petronius! 
Hail,  hell,  them's  ashes  from  Vesuvius! 

— ./.  and  M.  Colleijc  fiatlalton. 


Flo:  "Aren't  you  going  to  wear 
this  corsage  Ralph  sent  you?" 

Clo:  "I'm  going  to  wear  nothing 
else  but." 

Flo:  "Good  Heavens!  What'Il 
you  pin  it  to  ?" 

— Tennessee  Muijiiiiinp. 

S 

My  friend  had  returned  suddenly 
from  a  stay  in  the  country.  I  asked 
him  why  he  had  returned  so  unex- 
pectedly. He  said  that  it  was  the 
food  that  finally  made  him  leave. 

"The  farmer  with  whom  I  was 
staying  had  an  old  pig,  which  he  had 
for  many  years.  One  day  the  old 
pig  died,  and  as  a  result  we  ate  pork 
for  days.  He  also  owned  an  old  cow 
which  he  had  for  an  equally  long 
time.  The  cow  died,  so  we  had  beef 
for  weeks.  Then  one  day  his  grancW 
mother  died.     So  I  left." 

— Penn.   Punch   Boiil. 

S 


TEE  TIME 

In  Washington  they  tell  the  story 
ot  a  golfing  clergyman  who  had  been 
badly  beaten  on  the  links  by  a  parish- 
ioner thirty  years  his  senior  and  had 
returned  to  the  club-house  rather  dis- 
gruntled. 

"Cheer  up,  "  his  opponent  said. 
"Remember,  you  win  at  the  finish. 
You'll  probably  be  burying  me  some 
day." 

"Even  then,"  said  the  preacher,  "it 
will  be  your  hole." 

— Drexcl  Drexerd. 
S 

First  chorus  girl:  "How  do  yo\i 
feel,  dearie?" 

Second  bloke:     "Oh,  I  can't  kick. 
— Cdlifornui   11  (imp  us. 


He:    Something  seems  to  be  wrong 
with  this  engine  it — 

She:    Don't  be  foolish  ;  wait  till  we 
get  off  the  main  road. 

— loua  State  Green   (Jander. 


"Do  you  drink?" — "Investigation  or  invitation?" 

— Boston  Bcanpol. 


r/ie  SIREN 


If  you  fellows  don't  mind  I'm  going  to  pick  this  bone  right  up  in  my  hands. 

—Bucknell  BdU-  Hop. 


'I  think  this  is  going  to  be  a  beautiful  friendship." 

— Stanford  Cha[>arral. 


Fodder:    "Political  science,  my  son,  are  those 
things  that  say  'Vote  for  Al  Smith.'  " 

— U'ashinijlon  V.  Dirtie 


Exc/ia}if<i'  Number 


19 


"'Here  you  are,  my  good  man." 


Dear  Son: 

Marriage  is  a  wonderful  institu- 
tion if  you  find  the  right  mate.  The 
best  advice  I  can  give  you  is  to  com- 
pare your  girl  to  your  mother,  witli 
whom  I  have  been  so  ideally  happy 
for  the  past  30  years.  If  she  can 
even  approximate  your  dear  mother's 
homeniaking,  housekeeping,  and  al- 
\\a\s  e\ei\  temper,  you  are  a  lucky 
young  man,  and  I  give  you  my  bless- 
ing and  advise  you  to  grab  her  at 
once. 

\  our  loving  Father. 

P.  S.  Your  mother  just  left  the 
room.  Don't  be  a  damn  fool.  Stay 
single.  — Dnrtnioiith  J aci-o' Lantern. 


—Conirll  ir'idmi: 


It  was  in  the  subway  during  the 
rush  hour.  The  little  man  suddenly 
thought  of  pickpockets.  Thrusting 
hand  into  his  pocket  he  found  an- 
other hand  there  ahead  of  him. 

"Get  out,  you  thief." 

"Get  out  yourself,"  said  the  other. 

"Say,"  interrupted  a  third.  "If  you 
two  guys  will  get  your  hands  out  of 
my  pocket  I'll  get  off  here." 

— Buffalo  Bison. 
S 

He  (modestly):  "Am  I  good? 
Why.  I'm  All-American." 

She:  "Ooo,  I  simply  adore  In- 
dians." — Juggler. 

s 

"Love  fifteen." 

"Love  thirty." 

"Love  forty." 

Traveler:  "Ah,  a  tennis  game  I 
presume  ?" 

Servant:  "No.  It's  not  a  tennis 
game,  and  you  better  get  the  hell 
away  from  this  Harem." 

—Bucknell  Belle  Hop. 

s 

"Curse  it!     Curse  it!"   hissed  the 
villain,  snatching  at  the  girl's  waist. 
"Xo,  it  ain't  cither,"  she  retorted, 
"It's  a  girdle.  "    — Boston  Beanpot. 

S 

"How  fast  will  your  car  go?" 
"Ninety,  if  it's  so  inclined." 

— The  Harvard  Lampoon. 


'You  really  must  see  my  Aunt's  collection  of  statues  of 
virgins  and  other  curiosities." 

— JCilliams  Purple  Coiu. 


20 


///r  SIKItlN 


The  Missing  Ruby 


Mrs.  Cecil  Van  Rosonburj:  clutclu-il  at  licr  throat.  It 
was  Konc.  Not  her  throat  hut  the  ruby.  The  famous 
Rajah's  Ruby.  She  let  out  a  scream  and  fell  on  her  left 
side  in  a  swoon,  niakinsj  it  a  left  feint. 

.Mr.  Van  Rosenbur^  called  the  police  up.  He  called 
them  down  when  they  reported  three  hours  later.  A  clean 
cut  young  man  stepped  up  and  took  charge  of  the  situation. 
"Fitz  is  my  name."  he  said,  "Philo  Fitz,  just  an  amateur. 
I  understand  there  is  .something  wrong." 

"Well,"  said  Van  Rosenburg,  with  a  cold  glint  in  his 
voice,  as  he  picked  his  Elk  tooth,  "yes." 

"Well,"  answered  Fitz  tersely,  as  he  fondh  fondled  his 
fair  fiance's  photograph,  "well." 

With  the  agility  of  a  rliinoceros,  lie  whirled,  again  and 
again. 

Van  Rosenburg  got  pee\ed.  "What  in  the  whirled  are 
you  doing?"  he  asked,  witli  a  tremor  in  his  e\e. 

Fitz  turned  upon  him.  He  sniffed.  "I  begin  to  smell 
a  rat,"  he  said  tersely. 

Van  Rosenburg  blanched.  "I  bathed  this  morning," 
he  said  with  an  effort  at  sophistication. 


Three  years  later,  Fitz  was  in  Africa  disguised  as  a 
journalism  student.  He  was  near  the  village  of  Oski- 
wowow.  Suddenly  he  was  hit  by  a  spear.  Naturally,  he 
wanted  to  know  what  the  spearmint.  He  found  himself  in 
the  clutches  of  the  savages. 

King  Bobo  sat  on  his  throne  watching  an  exotic  routine 
called  the  Hlaqiie  Button.  His  trusty  aide  entered  and  said, 
"I  have  Fitz." 

"Well,"  answered  the  King,  "Don't  have  one  in  here." 
— Ohio  State  Sun  Dial. 
S 

"I   guess  that's  cutting  a  swell  figure,"  said  the  chorus 


irl  as  she  fell  on  a  broken  bottle. 


-Gcnrijia  i  tllov.-  Jacket. 


J  professor  of  iiuitheinatics  ivrote  this  notiec  on  the 
hoard  of  his  class  room:  "Prof.  A  H'ill  meet  his  classes  at 
2  /).  //;.  '  A  student  erased  the  C  and  the  notice  read:  "Prof. 
A.  Kill  meet  his  lasses  at  2  f>.  m."  IVhen  the  professor 
came  he  noted  the  changed  sentence,  took  his  eraser  and 
ruhhed  out  the  letter  L. 

— Southern   (Jalifornia   II  anifius. 


TOWN  CRIER'S  NIGHTMARE!! 


Hear  Ye!  Hear  Ye!  Hear  Ye!  Town  Crier's  Night- 
mare is  just  around  the  corner.  Remember  Eddy  Kawal 
and  Horse  May  in  their  nightgowns  and  baby  caps,  and 
Phil  Kammann  in  a  characteristic  role  advertising  grape- 
nuts?  Russel  Montford  Horner  and  Jane  Landee  knocked 
'em  over  in  Dutch.  Chi  Omega's  pride  and  joy.  Cot  Wein- 
berg, turned  Hawaiian  and  gave  the  Puritans  a  new  out- 
look on  life.  All  in  all  the  dance  was  a  yowling  success. 
Even  our  old  pal  "B"  Stephens  stepped  out  in  costume  for 
once  in  her  life  and  the  proletariant  element  gave  \ent  to 
new  emotions. 


Costumes,  scintillating  melodies,  slick  floor,  slick  dates, 
dim  lanterns,  the  odor  of  Listerine  (somebody  always  ad- 
vertises Halitosis)  and  there  you  have  it — Town  Crier's! 

And  in  the  same  breath  let  us  mention  Fine  Arts  Ball — 
the  gaudy,  be-costumed,  motley  crew  of  merry-makers  (not 
a  pun).  Save  your  shekels  for  both  afifairs  and  remember — 
costumes  or  no  gettee  in  as  the  Chinese  are  prone  to  say 
it.  The  boy  in  pedestrian  clothes  who  stands  still  at  the 
door  attempting  to  imitate  a  bell  boy  going  up  and  down 
in  an  elevator  does  not  enter;  he  shall  not  pass!  So  beware 
— a  ticket  and  a  costume  are  your  only  prerequisites.  Get 
in  your  rentals  early,  it's  an  old  Spanish  Costume! 


Reserve  Your  Costume  Early  For 

TOWN  CRIER'S  NIGHTMARE 
FINE  ARTS  BALL 

March  27th 


39  Main 


lOHHSTON'i; 

Abpbrtshop  J 

SKKIA    .JOHNSTON  ••:4 


Phone  5358 


Exchange  Nitfnber 


21 


— Royal  Gnhonii. 


Boy:     "I  have  had  a  very  trying  week-end." 
Girl:     "Yeah?    How  many  times  did  you  try?" 

— ('.ainiijie   Tech.  Puppet. 


"I  don't  mind  washing  the  dishes 
foi-  you,"  wailed  the  henpecked 
husband.  "I  don't  object  to  sweep- 
ing, dusting,  or  mopping  the  Hoois, 
but  I  ain't  gonna  run  no  ribbons 
through  my  nightgowns  just  to  tool 
the  babv.  — Ifhir/niiiil. 
S 

"Why  does   the   Statue  oi   Liberty 
have  such  small  lights  on  it?" 

"Ah  dunno,  unless  it's  de  less  light 
de  more  liberty." — Drexel  Drcxerd. 


Judge:     "What  are  your  grounds 
tor  divorce?  " 


Bride : 

"He  snores." 

Judge: 

"How  long  have  you  been 

married  ?" 

Hride: 

"Two  weeks." 

Judge: 

"(jraiited ;    he    shouldn't 

snore." 

—Ncu'  York  Medley. 

s 

"Baby,  you're  all  there." 
"Well,  you  ought  to  know." 

— loiL'a  Green  Gander. 


She:     "Are  you  a  socialist?" 
He:    "No,  I  hardly  go  anywhere." 
— Penn.  State  Froth. 

S 

"When  I  don't  want  a  young 
man's  attentions  and  he  asks  me 
where  I  live,  I  tell  him  that  I'm  just 
visiting  here." 

"Ha  ha!  Excellent;  but  where  do 
you  really  live?" 

"I'm  just  visiting  here." 

— Harvard  Lampion. 


22 


The  SIREN 


Tennis  and  Golf  Goods 


Here  you  will  find  a  wide  \  ariety  of 
fine  tennis  and  ^rolf  goods 

Golf  sets  complete — 4  clubs  and  bag  $7.50  up — sinjile  clubs  $1.50 
to  $5.00— balls  3  for  $1.00 

Tennis  rackets  $3.00  to  $15.00 
Frames  (unstrun^)  $5.00,  $6.00,  $7.50 
Restruno  to  your  order  $2.50  to  $9.00 

Wc  do  the  restriHging  for  the  Varsity  Team,  why  not  for  yon? 


THE   CO-OP 


On  the  Square 


On  the  Square 


It  Slays  to  Advertise 

"Ah,  Mr.  Fishback,  I  beheve?"  you  say  brifihtly. 

"Yeh,  what  can  I  do  for  you,  young  man?" 

"Why,  I'm  looking  for  something  in  a  one-button  suit, 
and  I  thought  maybe  you  would  be  starving  to  sell  it  to 
me." 

"Certainly,  certainly,"  and  his  manner  brightens.  "We 
have  just  the  thing  you're  looking  for.  Now  this  model 
here  is  even  later — it  has  no  buttons  at  all." 

It  is  always  best  to  buy  the  first  suit  he  shows  you,  as 
this  will  help  put  him  in  a  good  humor.  After  buying  an 
overcoat  and  a  pair  of  shoes,  you  add,  as  if  by  afterthought: 

"By  the  way,  Mr.  Fishback,  we  have  you  down  for  a 
half-page  ad  in  our  college  paper.  Now  all  you  have  to  do 
is  sign  right  here  on  the  dotted  line  or,  if  you  prefer,  we 
can  let  you  have  it  in  the  undotted.  Of  course,  the  dotted 
line  is  the  latest  thing  this  fall,  but  many  of  our  customers 
arc  still  using  the  undotted,  and  we  want  you  to  be  satisfied. 
What,  me  high-pressure  you?     Why,  Mr.  Fishback!" 

— Vanderhilt   Mtisqiinail'ir. 


Farmer: 

"He  thi 

s  the  Woman's  Exchange?" 

Woman : 

"Yes." 

Farmer : 

••Re  ve 

tin-  Woman?" 

Woman : 

"Yes." 

Farmer : 

•Well. 

then.   1   think  I'll  keep  Maggie." 
— ,-1  lahama  R am m er-Jam  in er 

y- 


'You  blubbering  idiot!" 

— Minnesota  Ski-V-Mah. 


-S- 


Colleglan :    What's  wrong  with  these  eggs? 
Waitress:     Don't  ask  me,  I  only  laid  the  table. 

— Carnegie   Tech.  Piipl'el. 

S 

He  (disgustedly):     I  think  I've  got  a  flat  tire! 
She:      Oh!   gimme   a   chance,   we're   not   a   block   from 
home  yet.  — 1'.  M-  I.  Sniper. 


Exchange  Number 


23 


Fer  Gozzake,  Profeshnals. 

~M.  I.  T.  Voo  Don. 


Jesse  Block  offers  the  one  about  the  Jewish  doctor  who 
was  born  in  Scotland.  He  joined  a  country  club  and  on  the 
first  day  he  was  told  that  if  he  had  his  name  inked  on  the 
golf  ball  it  woidd  be  returned  if  lost  and  found. 

"So  ull  right,"  he  said,  "put  down  on  mine  ball  Ginz- 
burg,  plizz." 

The  man  in  the  golf  supply  shop  wrote  his  name  on  it. 

"Hmmmm,"  he  hmmmm'd,  "dot's  dendy,  would  you 
also  plizz  put  don  M.  D.  efter  mine  name?    I'm  a  ductor!" 

"Be  glad  to,"  said  the  fellow  as  he  added  M.  D.  to  Mr. 
G.'s  tag. 

As  Mr.  Ginzburg  inspected  the  finished  product,  he 
cooed:  "Would  i,ou  mind  dooing  me  one  murr  favor. 
plizz?" 

"Of  course,"  said  the  man,  "now  what?  " 

"Put  don  hours   1(1  to  3."                       — Boiihvardici . 
S ■ 

Teacher:     "Who  is  your  favorite  author?" 

Stude:     "My  Dad." 

Teacher:     "What  did  he  write?" 

Stude:      "Checks."  — Grinnel  Mnltrnser. 


ILLINOIS 


A  .  What!  You've  never  indulged 
^_X\  •  your  Epicurean  tastes  in  fra- 
J  ^  'j  :  grant  smoke  wteaths  of  rum- 
"^fv  I  flavored  tobacco?  Then  scam- 
N>r^  •  P^''  <""  t°  ^ny  of  'h^  stores 
below  for  a  Rumidor*.  Whether 
you  select  the  College  Bowl 
model  in  orange  and  blue  or  the  Varsity  model 
in  orange  and  blue  with  an  Illinois  lUini  on 
the  cover — you're  in  for  a  new-found  smoking 
pleasure.  Rumidors  sell  from  $i  to  $150. 

*Rumidor  is  a  scientific,  patented  container 
for  cigarettes,  tobacco  and  cigars,  using  11- 
year-old  Medford  rum  for  a  preservative.  The 
rum  keeps  the  tobacco  moist  and  mellow  and 
imparts  a  delightful  aroma.  Poor  tobaccos  taste 
good.  Good  tobaccos  taste  better.  Beware  of 
imitations.  Look  for  name  on  cover. 


VARSITY  MODEL 

complete  with  rum 

refill  and  divider 

$5  and  $5 


COLLEGE  BO'WL 

rum  refill  included 

$15 


RUMIDOR 

CAN  BE  BOUGHT  AT  THE  FOLLOWING  STORES: 

Spalding's  Drug  Store,  United  Cigar  Store,   Illini   Drim 
Co.,  Kamerer  Bros.,  Ketisink  Druss 


VIRGINIA 

Sunday,  Monday,  Tuesday,  March  22,  23,  24 

"MILLIE 

See  this  soul  stirring  portrayal  of  loose  footed 

beauty — and  know  what  Millie  knows 

with  the  glamorous 

HELEN  TWELVETREES 
ROB'T  AMES  LILYAN  TASHMAN 

ORPHEUM 

Starting  Saturday,  March  21 

THE    KING    OF    COMEDY 

in  the  supreme  laugh  sensation  of  the  century 

CHARLIE  CHAPLIN 

in 

"CITY  LIGHTS" 

A  ConiecK    Romance  in  Pantomime! 


24 


The  SIREN 


Spring  Suits 

Expertly  Tailored 
to  Fit 

The  Student 


The  Latest  Spring  Colors  and 
Patterns  Are  In 

$25.00— Made  to  Order— $25.00 

MUELLER'S 

617  South  Wright  Street,  Champaign 


THAT'S  NEWS 


oriuli  II  uloii- 


TERBAGCER  HABIT 

We  dropped  in  on  the  general  store 
over  in  Pompanoosic  t'other  day  to 
bum  a  match  so's  to  light  our  roomy's 
last  Murad.  Successful,  we  paused 
for  a  second  to  look  around  the  store 
before  leaving  and  happened  to  see 
and  overhear  a  couple  of  the  old 
natives  sitting  in  the  corner  by  the 
cracker  barrel  philosophizing. 

"Naw,  yer  never  could  get  me  to 
smoke  one  a  them  gol  derned  cig- 
arettes, Si.",  drawled  one  of  them, 
biting  off  a  mammoth  chaw  of  red 
mule  plug  and  grinding  it  between 
his  yellow  teeth  with  evident  satis- 
faction. 

His  old  crony  turned,  skillfully 
conducted  the  remnants  of  fully  half 
a  package  of  honest  scrap  through 
his  front  teeth  to  the  cuspidor  fully 
ten  feet  away  ( \ia  the  air  route), 
pulled  out  his  red  bandana,  wiped  oflf 
his  mouth,  and  replied,  "Ner  me 
nether,  Hi.  It's  a  nasty  habit!" 
— Dartmouth  Jnck-o'-Lantern. 


Exchange  Number 


25 


^C 


^j- 


Did  you  hear  that  they  arrested 
Rudy  Vallee  the  other  day  for  trying 
to  get  in  the  men's  room  ? 

— Hamilton   U.  Roynl  Gaboon. 

S 

Stude:  If  hat  arc  your  terms  for 
Undents  f 

Landlady:  Scalaivat/s,  deadbeats. 
bums.  — Kansas  Sour  Oivl. 

s 

Fond  mother  (to  her  crying  off- 
spring) :  Well,  does  my  little  sugar 
plum  want  a  drink? 

1930  baby:  Don't  mind  if  I  do. 
What  have  you  got? 

— Penn.  Punch  Boivl. 


Johnny -On  -  The  -  Spot. 

— H'isconsin    Uclopus. 


Guest:     "Fancy  seeing  you  here!" 


—Piiin.  Stale  I'rolh. 


Sandy  MacTaverish,  in  one  of  his 
weak  moments,  consented  to  a  vaca- 
tion for  himself  and  wife  at  a  pop- 
ular seashore  resort.  The  most  eco- 
nomical sport  at  that  particular  beach 
was  swimming  in  the  sea,  and  Sand\ 
and  the  Mrs.  took  advantage  of  this 
sport  and  swam  everyday.  On  the 
last  day  of  their  vacation  Mrs.  Mac- 
Taverish was  carried  away  by  the 
surf  and  drowned.  Efforts  to  recover 
the  body  proved  fruitless  and  Sandy 
returned  home  after  leaving  instruc- 
tions with  the  authorities  to  notify 
him  when  the  body  was  found. 
Several  days  later  he  received  a  tele- 
gram to  the  effect  that  the  body  of 
his  wife  had  been  found  in  shallow 
water  with  a  strange  serpent  en- 
twined about  it,  for  which  the  local 
museum  was  offering  $500  cash  and 
would  he  please  arrange  for  the  dis- 
posal of  the  body. 

Sandy  replied:  "Send  cash  and 
reset  bait."  — Texas  Battalion. 


Abie.  Abie,  moof  auay  from  de 
cash  re</islcr.  I  knoiv  you  U'ouldn't 
take  nnddint/s.  but  I  haven't  time  to 
n/itch  you.  — Battalion. 

S 


"I  just  can't  adjust  my  cur- 
riculum !  " 

"Oh,  tlint's  all  riglit,  it  doesn't 
show!"  — I  00  Doo. 


Most  professors  seem  to  forget 
that,  although  they  may  cover  the 
groiuid,  so  does  mud  ! 

—.1/.  /.   T.   J  00  Doo. 


iShort    Cliaiisi'   Kacket. 

— O/iio  State  Sun  Dial. 


J6 


'///('SIRFtN 


^-y 


"How  come  you  always  smoke  quarter  sigars?" 
"Somebody  else  always  smokes  the  other  three- 
quarters!"  — Lehigh  Burr. 


It  seems  that  there  was  an  Irishman — oh,  yes,  there  was. 
good  people.  He  was  about  to  die  and  he  sent  for  three 
friends  to  ask  them  to  put  $5  each  in  his  coffin  for  certain 
favors  in  purgatory.  At  the  grave  each  advanced  and  de- 
posited $5  in  the  coffin — the  Irishman,  the  Englishman,  and 
the  Scot.  The  Irishman  put  in  a  $5  gold  piece;  the  Eng- 
lishman put  in  five  silver  dollars.  "What  did  you  put  in," 
they  asked  the  Scot.  "Hoot,  mon,"  he  said,  (yes,  he  did!) 
"I  just  put  in  my  check  tor  ^'^i?  and  took  the  change!" 
—  'J'lnnrsscr  M n//uii/iip. 


Local  lady  suing  for  divorce  tells  court  her  husband 
spanked  her,  pulled  her  ears  and  hair,  slammed  the  door 
on  her  arm,  and  locked  her  in  the  closet.  She  says  she 
doesn't  know  wh>'  he  did  these  things. 

We  do. 

He  was  mad  at  iu-r.  — Drcxrl  Drcxirii. 

s 


"Missed  again,"  said  the  farmer  as  his  shotgun  exploded 
at  the  retreating  figure.  "Oh,  well,  1  won't  be  bothered 
any  more.     She  was  my  last  daughter." 

— Ohio   State  Sun   Dial. 


Classics  a  la  Mode 

"It's  a  real  musical  education  to  have  a  radio  in  the 
home,"  said  Mrs.  Frisbie.  "Even  little  Lucy,  who  is  only 
three  years  old,  recognizes  most  of  the  classics  as  soon  as 
she  hears  them.  Come  here,  Lucy  darling,  and  name  a  few 
nvimbers  for  mother." 

(Obliging  little  Lucy  abandoned  her  building  blocks  and 
crossed  the  room  to  the  piano,  where  she  stood  alert  for 
the  test. 

Mrs.  Frisbie  played  a  few  bars  of  Mendelssohn's 
'Spring  Song." 

"Pepsogrunt  Tooth  Paste — it's  on  Everybody's  Tongue," 
announced  Lucy  promptly. 

"Correct,"  said  Mrs.  Frisbie.  "Now  darling,  see  if 
you  recognize  this  one?"  She  ran  over  the  opening  strains 
of  Schubert's  "Unfinished  Symphony." 

"Barnstorni's  Linoleum,"  responded  Lucy  without  bat- 
ting an  eye.  "Put  it  under  foot — it  will  cut  down  the  over- 
head." 

Mrs.  Frisbie  nodded  proudly  to  their  visitor  and 
launched  into  Wagner's  "Lohengrin." 

Little  Lucy  puckered  her  fair  brow  and  hesitated  a 
moment,  but  soon  she  had  it.  "Harlow's  Ham — It's 
Toasted — and  How!"  she  proclaimed  triumphantly. 

"That  was  a  hard  one,"  explained  Mrs.  Frisbie.  "Har- 
low's just  started  broadcasting  last  week  and  we  haven't 
had  much  of  a  chance  to  get  familiar  with  their  signature." 
She  turned  to  her  daughter.  "Here's  an  easy  one,  darling," 
she  promised,  starting  to  play  Balfe's  "Then  You'll  Remem- 
ber Me." 

"Wiesenheimer's  Clothes  for  ]VIen — You'll  Have  a  Fit!" 
Lucy  interrupted  after  a  few  short  bars. 

"You  see,  she  really  is  familiar  with  all  the  better 
music,"  concluded  Mrs.  Frisbie.  "Radio  is  a  wonderful 
teacher.  I  often  tell  Mr.  Frisbie  that  the  old  composers 
little  know  the  debt  they  owe  to  the  sponsors  of  radio  pro- 
grams for  popularizing  their  music.     — Boston  Bciin  Pot. 


NICE  KITTY! 

'Twos    the    tnornin//    nftrr    the    ni//ht    before: 
The  cat  came  home  at  the  hour  of  four: 
The  innocent  look  in  her  eyes  had  ivent. 
But  in  its  place  was  a  look  of  content. 

—  Tennessee  i\Iii//uunip^ 


The  government  official  of  the  country  district  who  had 
charge  of  the  census  which  deals  with  farm  products,  had 
instructed  the  old  farmer  to  collect  his  stock  of  cver\  de- 
scription and  have  them  branded. 

"I  s'pose  that's  all  right,"  sighed  the  farmer  dolefully, 
"but,  honest,  mister,  I  believe  I'm  going  to  have  a  terrible 
time  with  them  bees."  — Carner/ie  Teeh.  Puppet. 


Excliiiniic  N Htnhcr 


27 


The  Chevrolet  Sport  Coupe  photographed  on  the  Notre  Dame  Campua  with  Sacred  Hear t  Church  in  the  background 


Modern  fine-ear  qnality  in  an  inexpensive  automobile 


It  is  wise,  in  these  times,  to  con- 
sider what  you  pet  above  the 
bare  needs  of  transportation, 
when  you  buy  a  low-priced  car.  ^'ith  its  fine- 
looking  new  Six,  Chevrolet  has  stepped 
smartly  away  from  standards  based  on 
utility  alone.  Here  in  this  smooth,  capable, 
new  automobile  are — actually — scores  of 
fine-cur  features  .  .  .  features  which  bring  a 
new  measure  of  quality,  style  and  comfort  to 
the  lowest  price  field.  .  .  .  Just  slip  behind  the 


wheel  once,  and  drive  the  smart  new  Chevro- 
let Six.  W  eave  this  car  in  and  out  of  tangled 
traffic — eat  up  a  straightaway  at  flashing  top 
speed — let  loose  a  thrust  of  power  and  take 
a  stubborn  hill!  Do  these  things  and  you 
will  know  the  new  Chevrolet  for  the  excellent 
automobile  it  is.  .  .  .-  Here,  from  every  sland- 
]>oint,  is  a  low-price*!  car  you'll  have  every 
reason  to  be  proud  of — speedy,  sturdy,  smart 
and  dependable — the  Great  American  Value. 


Chevrolet  prices  range  from  $475  to  $650,  f.o.  b.  Flint,  Mich.,  Special  Equipment  Extra 
Chevrolet  Motor  Company,  Detroit,  Michigan 

NEW  CHEVROLET  SIX 

The  Great  Ameriean  Vahie 


28 


7//('SIHKN 


Dinty\s 

RUSTIC  INN 

Hi:iX)\\    IIIH  SURFACE 
HUT  Oi\   VWV:  I.EVIiL 

Also 

JJ  e  Serve  Unexcelled  Fond 

Non  Squirtini*  Grape  Fruit 
Our  Substitute  for  Same 

/ — Lariit'  Water  Soaked  Sponge 
1 — Tablespoon  Quinine 

Leave  Your  Windshields  at  Home 

Hdtir.s  From  Now   Till   Then 
H  Main  Street  Tel.  5430 


Hits  Cominij  to  the 

RIALTO 

M.  %.         THEATRE        V^ 

Sunday,  iMondav,  Tuesday 

March  22.  23,  24 

JACK  OAKIE 

In  Ring  Lardner's 

"JUNE  iMOON" 

Wednesday,  Thursday,  Friday,  Saturday 
March  25-26-27-28 
ZANE  GREY'S 

"Fighting  Cara\  ans" 

with 
Gary   Cooper   and   5,000  Others 

Sunday,  Monday,  Tuesday,  Wednesday 

March  29-30-  31  April  1 

RUTH  CHATTERTON 

"Unfaithful" 

With    Paul    laikas 


MOTHER  BOOZE 

fen  little  pledges,  driiikintj  too  iiiiult  nine, 
One  did  a  fade-out: 
I  hen  there  were  nine. 

Sine  little  pledges,  met  a  girl  n/uncd  kale. 
One  pledge  neeked  her: 
Then  there  were  eight. 

Eif/ht  little  pledges  uho  ivould  never  go  to  henven: 
One  stiirted  /nixing  'em: 
I  hi  II   there  irere  seven. 

Seven  little  pledges,  the  girl  of  one  sriid  "nix." 
lie  didn't  believe  her: 
rh(  n  there  ni  re  six. 
Six  Utile  pledges,  more  dead  than  alive, 
One  went  to  sleep,  and: 
Then   there  icere  five. 

Five  Utile  pledges — /  took  a  drink  again 
Looked  a  lillle  eloser. — 
J nd  darned  if  there  iieren'l  lenf 

— Oornell    If'idoiv. 
S 

Billy  Prepschool :  "That  girl  going  there  is  reared  well." 
Freddie   Freshman:    "She   don't   look  so   bad   from   the 
front,  either."  — Tennessee  Mugniinip. 


./ones:    I  lave  yon  seen  the  mounted  poliee  in  Ohieagof 
Broun:     )  e  Hods,  are  the  gangsters  stuffing  them  afte 
I  hey  shoot   llum.'  — Lehigh  Burr. 

S 


He  was  always  sleeping  in  class.  There  he  sat,  in  the 
front  row,  with  his  eyes  closed  and  his  mouth  open,  from 
one  end  of  the  hour  to  the  other.  At  last  the  professor 
could  stand  it  no  longer.  One  day,  when  the  discussion  had 
been  particularly  intricate,  he  stopped  in  the  middle  of  his 
lecture  and  said  : 

"Gentlemen,  we  have  been  working  on  the  hardest 
problems  in  this  course  and  there  sits  the  man  who  needs 
it  most,  asleep!" 

The  student  gcnth'  opened  one  eye  and  whispered  ,sn 
that  all  might  hear,  "I  wish  to  God  I  were." 

— Hansard  Lampoon. 


Prof. :  Write  a  short  theme  containing  some  reference 
to  the  Deity,  the  nobility,  and  to  modesty. 

Frosh :  "My  God,"  said  the  Countess,  "take  your  hand 
off  my  knee."  — Kansas  Sour  Qui. 


Little  Willie:  Mom,  you  said  the  bab\  had  your  eyes 
.uid  daddy's  nose,  didn't  you? 

Mom :     Yes,  darling. 

Willie:  Well,  you'd  better  keep  yer  eye  on  'im.  He's 
'  lit  graudpop's  teeth  now.  — (jurnegie    Teeh.  Puppet. 


Exchange  Number 


29 


'Charmed,  I'm  sure.' 


HOD  WORK  FOR  MIKE 

Hello,  hello,  all  you  little  boys  and  girls  out  there.  To- 
night, I  ncle  15ill  is  going  to  tell  you  an  ancient  Norwegian 
folk  tale. 

Well,  little  boys  and  girls:  It  seems  that  once  upon  a 
time,  there  was  a  traveling  salesman.  Well,  one  time,  he 
was  stopping  at  a  farm  house.  The  farmer  had  a  beautiful, 
golden-haired,  blue-eyed,  innocent  daughter.  That  night 
the  daughter  went  out  walking  in  the  apple-orchard  with 
the  salesman.  There  she  saw  a  nice  rosy-red  apple  up  on  the 
top  of  a  tree,  and  said,  "OO — you  great  big  strong  nian- 
nums,  will  oo  get  little  me  that  apple?" 

"Sure  kid,"  said  the  salesman.  He  shinnied  up  for  the 
apple,  but  on  his  way  down  he  tore  his  pants.  Well,  the 
farmer's  daughter  saw  it,  and  she  said,  "Oo — you  tore  your 
pantsies;  I'm  so  sorry." 

So  the  salesman  went  up  to  her  room,  ami  then  she 
sewed  his  pants  up.  Well,  when  it  was  done,  he  didn't  as 
much  as  thank  her,  and  she  asked  sweetly,  "What  do  you 
say?"  The  salesman  came  back  snappily,  "I  hope  I  can  do 
the  same  for  you  some  day." 

Now,  kiddies,  we  will  leave  fairyland  and  come  back  to 
earth.  Be  sure  to  drink  milk  and  tune  in  on  this  station 
tomorrow  at  this  time.  — Exchange. 


EVEN  HIS  OLD  MAN 
wouldn't  TELL  him/ 


"txcy  take 

your.  breath  away" 


trif  a  LIFE  (^p  SAVER 


SOUTHERN 

TEA 

ROOM 


d^ 


Spring  Formals 


30 


77/rSIRKN 


i>oH  eM><i 


Army  Heir  Service. 


— loiL-u  Frivol. 


She:  "Aren't  the  stars  lieautiful 
Idiiight?" 

lie:     "I'm  in  no  position  to  say." 
— Kansas  Sour  Otvl. 

S 

Salesman:  Is  your  husband  at 
home,  lady. 

Housewife:     No,  he  is  not. 
Salesman:  Would  you  care  to  look 
at  some  underwear? 

— Miehiyan    Gargoyle. 

S 

"Where  are  you  going  with  all 
those  apples?" 

"I'p  to  call  on  the  doctor's  wife." 
— Harvard  Lampoon. 

S 

lie  put  his  arm  around  her  tcaist 
And  on   her  lips  he  plaeed  one  kiss, 
Then    groaned,   "It's    ?nany    a   drink 

I've  had. 
But  nei'er  from  a  mug  like  this." 
— Kansas  Sour  Oivl. 

Annette:  "Are  you  going  to  pose 
for  artists  again?" 

Yvette :  "No,  I'm  in  no  shape  for 
that  just  yet." 

— Penn   State   Froth. 

S 

Are  you   insinuating? 
No,   that's    the   people   next   door; 
ice  have  our  garbage  hauled  away. 
— JFashington   U.  Dirge. 

s 

Frosh :  "I  can't  see  what  keeps 
these  women  from  freezing." 

Soph :  "You  aren't  supposed  to, 
blockhead."     — Kansas  Sour  Oivl. 


Exchange  Number 


31 


Joining  a  fraternity  is  like  playing 
strip-poker,  only  in  poker  you  get 
your  clothes  back. 

— NortliiLcsteni  Purple  Parrot. 

S 

"You  are  the  first  girl  I  ever 
kissed,  dearest,"  said  Jim  College,  as 
he  shifted  gears  with  his  foot. 

— Pitt  Panther. 

s 

"I'ere  is  mine  glasses,  Rnchelf" 
"On  der  nose.  Papa." 
"Don't  be  so  indefinite." 

— Stanford  Chaparral. 

s 

'Have  you    a  surprise    for 


She: 
me?" 

He: 
back." 

She 


"No,  I'm  just  scratching  my 
— Arizona  Kitty  Kat. 

-S 

(fishing     for     roinpliments) : 
IVhat  do  you  likef 

lie:     You  for  one  thing. 
She:     So  that's  the  kind  of  a  fel- 
loiv  you  are.  — Bison. 

S 

"How  come  that  poor  settler  shot 
himself?" 

"Some  foxy  Indian  got  hold  of  his 
gun  and  reversed  the  charges." 

— Pitt  Panther. 

S 

Little  Jl'illie,  rough  as  hell. 
Threw  his  sister  down   the  icell. 
"Gee,  it's  hard  to  raise  a  daughter." 
Said  his  mother,  draiving  ivater. 
— Northiiestern  Purple  Parrot. 

S 

As  Father  Neptune  said  to  the 
young  man  who  leaned  over  the  ship's 
rail,  "That'll  be  enough  out  of  you, 
young  man."   — N.  Y.  U.  Medley. 

S 

Senior:  "Pardon  me,  this  must  be 
the  wrong  berth." 

Hunter  Co-ed:  "How  you  boys  do 
jump  at  conclusions." 

— New  York  Medley. 

S 

First  Herring:  Why  don't  you 
take  better  care  of  your  brother? 

Second  Herring:  Why  should  I? 
Am  I  my  brother's  kipper? 

— Penn.  Punch  Bojil. 


WAISTCOATS   OF   REAL   QUALITY 

Before  you  buy  a  dress  or  dinner  waistcoat, 
make  it  a  point  to  look  for  the  green  label  of 
Catoir  Vesting  on  the  strap.  If  it  is  not  there, 
you  may  be  certain  that  you  are  not  getting 
the  best  in  either  fabric  or  workmanship. 

CatqiR 

{Pronounced  "KAT-WAH"} 
VESTINOS       FACINGS   ■    LININGS 


PICTURES 


ARE 

INDISPENSIBLE 

SUCCESSFUL 
PUBLICATION 


Etchiti.Ocr> 

Pho1^0''Enoi'tW>in^s 

Colo  nplati?  J^ 


G.RGRIIBB&CO 

'  ENGRAVEftS      .^ 

'.     CHAMPAIGN,       ^' 


32 


The  SIREN 


College  Humor  s 

All- 
Americans 


Basketball  and  Hockey 

IN  THE  MAY  ISSUE 


Collese  Humor  was  the  First  publication  to 
attempt  a  selection  of  honor  teams  in  inter- 
collegiate basketball  and  hockey.  And  today 
College  Humor's  selections  of  All-American 
stars  in  these  two  sports  are  recognized  as 
official  and  authentic. 

No  other  national  magazine  has  undertaken  to  scrutinize 
the  hundreds  of  college  quintets  in  search  of  the  five  or 
ten  most  accomplished  and  consistently  brilliant  per- 
formers ...  or  has  endeavored  a  study  of  the  different 
hockey  conferences. 

The  counsel  of  college  coaches  the  country  over  has 
been  employed  by  Les  Gage,  Sports  Editor,  to  assure 
an  impartial  and  complete  treatment  of  the  subject. 
The  May  issue  of  College  Humor,  on  sale  the  first  of 
April,  will  announce  the  Ail-American  cage  team  and 
hockey  sextet  for  1931  in  conjunction  with  two  com- 
prehensive stories  by  Les  Gage. 


College  Humor 

MAGAZINE 


Can  You? 

Yoii  can't  pick  a  lock  with  a  pickle, 

You  can't  cure  the  sick  with  a  sickle, 

Pluck  figs  with  a  figment. 

Drive  pigs  with  a  piginent. 

Nor  make  your  watch  tick  with  a  tickler. 

You  can't  slacken  your  gait  with  a  gaiter, 

You  can't  get  a  crate  from  a  crater. 

Catch  moles  with  a  molar, 

Bake  rolls  with  a  roller. 

Hut  you  can  get  a  wait  from  a  waiter. 

— (Jnrnet/ie  Tech.  Put>l>et. 

S 

Frantic  student:  MigoJ!  A  lioctor,  quick!  My  ap- 
pencii.x  just  broke! 

Medical  department  clerk  (coolly):  Have  you  an  ap- 
pointment? — Stanford  CJiapardl. 

s 

OVERNIGHT  BAG 

And  there  is  the  young  lady  who  was  invited  to  go  to 
"Grand  Hotel."  She  met  her  boy  friend  at  the  appointed 
hour  with  her  over-night  suitcase.  — Yale  Record. 

S 

.7  book  of  versts  underneath  a  bough, 

,4  jiii/  of  U'ine.  a  loaf  of  bread,  and  thou  .  .  . 

.4 nd  lie' II  be  in  the  hoose-gow 

Soon  enoii-.  — Grinnell  iMalteaser. 

S 

Son:     "Dad,  what  is  'tact?'" 

Dad :  "Tact,  my  boy,  is  the  art  of  convincing  a  man  he 
is  a  liar  without  actualh   telling  him  so." 

—M.  I.  r.  1 00  Doo. 

S 

Of  eourse  you  have  heard  the  discarded  hathiug  suit 
song,  ".lantzen  If  ith   Tears  in  My  Sides.  " 

— Ohio  State  Sun  Dial. 


Royal  Gaboon. 


Jvun  your  kearl  ouiv    UXol  muck! 

cMol  wilk 


No  longer  is  early  chapel  exclusively 
for  track  men.  No  wasting  time  with 
old-fashioned  socks— you're  in  these 
hHoleproof  Autogai-ts  in  a  second, 
and  what's  more,  they're  up  to  stay. 
They'll  wash,  too— and  come  back 
as  snug-fitting  as  they  went  to  the 
laundry.  The  Autogart  feature  will 
outwear  the  sock,  and  that's  saying  a 
lot  because  the  sock's  a  Holeproof. 
And  what  is  more,  you  get  the 
smart  new  hHoleproof  designs,  too! 


HOLEPROOF 

the  Self- Supporting  Socks 

^ustpuLL  em  up 
ana  tiieij  siaij  up 

55^,„dT° 

dt  your  Haberdasher's 


LUCKIES  are  always 
kind  to  your  throat 


'  •  %«^ 


6€ 


Everyone  knows  that  sunshine 
mellows- that's  why  the  ''TOASTING" 
process  includes  the  use  of  the  Ultra 
Violet  Rays.  LUCKY  STRIKE- the  finest 
cigarette  you  ever  smoked,  made  of 
the  finest  tobaccos  — the  Cream  of 
the  Crop -THEN- "rrS  TOASTED/' 
Everyone  knows  that  heat  purifies 
and  so  "TOASTING"  -  that  extra,  secret 
process— removes  harmful  irritants  that 
cause   throat   irritation  and    coughing. 

It's  toasted" 


of  da 


cf  your 
:  Keep 
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deeply;  take  plenty  of 
exercisein  themellow 
sunshine,  and  have 
a  periodic  check-up 
on  the  health  of  your 
body. 


-^  ^r^ 


Your  Throat  Protection— against  irritotion— against  cough 


I M  MV^ 


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I  he  most  valuable  social 
asset  since  the  invention  of  The  Check  from 
Home    .    .    .    cigarettes  that  really  SATISFY! 


GREATER    MILDNESS  .^ .  BETTER    TASTE 


t9M  Liggett  &  Myers  Tobacco  Co. 


Girl  Number 


Portraits  of  Distinction 

o  The  kind  your  self  respect 
demands  — 


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KENNETH  EUGENE  FREDERICK 
623  East  Green  Street 


Mr.  Frederick  personally  makes  each  sitting 


The  SIREN 


Let's  Play 
Golf 


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set,  a  single  club,  a  new  bag,  or 
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FAMOUS  LAST  WORDS! 

"Kiss  me,  honey." 

"We're  not  going  to  make  tliis  ttirn." 

"I'anion  me  lady,  but  haven't  I  met  you  some  phice?" 

"1    had   this  gin  tested   m\self." 

"Let's  mix  these." 

"Any  gas  in  the  tank?" 

"Bottoms  \ip!" 

"(^h,  so  you're  the  ice-man!"  — IVeslcymi  IFasp. 


"A  liell  of  a  landing  you  made." 

"I  niaiie? — I  thought  you  were  flying  the  lousy  crate!" 
—M.  I.   T.   I'oo  Don. 

S 

Father:  I  don't  see  how  you  fellows  keep  up  drinking 
the  way  you  do. 

Son:  I'll  tell  you,  Dad,  it's  a  darn  sight  easier  to  keep  it 
up  than  to  keep  it  down.  — (Cornell  Ollapod. 

S 

Kappa:  What's  tlie  matter,  don't  you  love  me  any 
more? 

Phi  Gam:     Sure  I  do,  I'm  onh'  resting. 

— Kansas  Sour  On/. 

S 

Phi  Psi :     I  didn't  sleep  a  wink  last  nite. 

Bro:     Why  not? 

Phi  Psi :     The  shade  was  up. 

Bro.:     Well,  why  didn't  you  pull  it  down? 

Phi  Psi:     I  couldn't  reach  to  the  Theta  house. 

— Kansas  Sour  Oivl. 

S 

"I  see  where  they  are  conducting  blindfold  breakfast- 
food  tests  now." 

"Oh,  grueling  contests,  eh."     — Notre  Dame  Juggler. 

S 

"Just  think,  children,"  said  the  missionary,  "in  Africa 
there  are  six  million  square  miles  where  little  boys  and  girls 
have  no  Sunday  school.  Now,  what  should  we  all  strive  to 
save  our  money  for?" 

"To  go  to  Africa!"  cried  a  chorus  of  cheery  voices. 

—  Texas  Longhorn. 

S 

Just  what  is  love? — probably  a  phonograph  record. 

— Juggler. 

s 

Prof,  (after  lengthy  lecture)  :  "Now,  is  there  anything 
anyone  would  like  to  ask?" 

Voice  from  rear  row:     "What  time  is  it?" 

—  Texas  Longhorn. 
S 

Mrs.  Brown:  "Our  little  Herby  is  at  the  top  of  his 

class  this  week.  His  father  is  going  to  take  him  to  the 
zoo." 

Mrs.     Jones:  "Really?       We're     sending     Willie     to 

college."  — Texas  Longliorn. 


Girl  Number 


Sometimes  the  cart 

should  be  put 

before  the  horse 


Here's  a  case  where  a  warehouse  was  built  around  a  conveyor,  instead 

of  the  conveyor  being  squeezed  into  tlie  warehouse  . .  .Western  Electric 

Packages   can   be  i  /■  ■       ■  .  >->  i  «■ 

sivitched  onto  sid-     wanted  a  new  warehouse  lor  telephone  e([uipuient.    I'or  the  most  eth- 

ings —  by  one  cen- 
tral dispatcher 

cient  handling  of  material,  its  own  distribution  engineers  designed  a  system  of  conveyors 
even  before  architectural  details  of  the  building  were  worked  out  .  .  .  This  was  done 
after  careful  estimate  had   been  made  of  volume  and  kinds  of  material  to  be  stored 


and  handled  .  .  .There  are  many  other  assignments  that  challenge  re- 


sourcefulness and   imagination   in  making  telephones  and  equipment 

Speed  needed! 
The  emergency 
is    met    by    the 

for  the  Bell  System — purchasing  its  supplies — acting  as  its  distributor,     new  warehouse 

Western  Electric 

Manufacturers     Purchasers     V>istributors 

SINCE     1082     FOR    C^Jg       T  ]]  K     U  E  I.  I,     SYSTEM 


The  siren! 


PAUL  O.   RITCHER Editor-in-Chief 

H.  B.  McDERMOTT Business  Manager 


Doc  Blackeslee Assistant  Editor 

Lars   Halvorsen Make-Up  Editor 

Marion  Irrmann Exchange  Editor 

Harold    Brown irt   Editor 

Charles  Jacobson,  Sidney  Turner,  H.  E.  Nelson,  Dorothy  Pelzer,  Eleanor  Dollins,  Henry  Avery, 
O.  Becker,  Martha  Righter,  Douglas  Frost,  Clifford  McCartin,  Ed  Malley,  Hal  Jewell,  David 
Jones,  Helen  Cla.vton,  Helen  Howarth,  Bill  Amsler,  Jane  Fauntz,  Roy  Smith,  Dorothy  Melvin, 
Juanita  Ramey,  Edith  Heinzelmann,  Glenn  Allen,  Lynn  Pierce,  Juliet  Barnes. 

Business  Staff 

M.  E.  Gosnell Advertising  Mgr.  John   McCormick Circulation   Mgr. 

Ray  Ball Iss't  Adv.  Mgr.  Francis   MacTaggert Copy   Mgr. 

William  Zoeller Collection  Mgr. 

Virginia  Edes,  Joe  Peacock,  Mary  Putnam,  John  Klepinger 

Published  monthly  by  the  Illini  Publishing  Company,  University  of  Illinois,  during  the  college  year. 
Entered  as  second-class  matter  at  the  Post-Office  at  Urbana.  Illinois,  by  act  of  Congress,  March  3,  1879. 
Office  of  publication,  Illini  Publishing  Company.  Subscription  price  $1.00  the  year.  Address  all  com- 
munications. Illinois  Union  Building,  Champaign,  Illinois.  Copyright.  1931.  by  The  Siren.  Exclusive  reprint 
rights  granted  to  (pl]geHmnOt  magazine. 


Co n  t  e  n  t  s 


COVER Jane    Fauntz 

Culled  from  (^ur  Fan  Mail 5 

Woman  Hunt,  by  a  Co-ed 8 

Campus    Notables - 9 

Coming   Di.-itraction.s ; 18 

Humor Most   Annvherc 


Girl  Number 


Culled  from  our  fan  mail 


Dear  Sirex: 

I  have  just  heard  that  the  forth- 
coming number  of  The  Siren  is  to 
be  called  a  "Girl  Number."  What, 
again?  If  so,  kindly  tell  me,  I  be- 
seech you,  what  have  been  the  last 
six,  the  last  dozen,  yes,  the  last 
thirty-six  issues  of  this  publication? 
I  must  concede  that  there  is  some- 
thing commendable  in  this  frank 
avowal  of  your  true  colors,  belated 
and  long  since  superfluous  as  it  may 
be,  yet  I  already  shudder  with  an- 
ticipation as  I  mentally  envisage  oui' 
next  Siren,  with  its  gaudy  cover 
somewhat  resembling  a  Camel,  a 
Milky  Way,  a  Fisher  Body,  or  a 
Jantzen  Swim  Suit  advertisement, 
and  its  contents  nauseatingly  dedi- 
cated to  the  same  old  balderdash,  and 
the  same  old  stereotyped  ultra- 
modern Co-ed,  with  her  same  old 
daring  comebacks. 

Merciful  Lord,  spare  us  from  this 
soon.  I  am  generally  known  as  a 
professional  pessimist,  but  this  time  I 
think  my  drooping  spirits  are  justi- 
fied ;  and  as  an  irresponsible  and 
desultory  contributor  to  your  reek- 
ing columns  of  the  past,  I  feel  some- 
what at  ease  in  craving  your  in- 
dulgence while  I  wearily  attempt  to 
make  my  complaints  against  your  in- 
anities articulate. 

I  should  like  to  protest  vigorous!)', 
before  it  is  too  late,  concerning  the 
injudicious  policy  of  our  Siren,  by 
all  odds  the  best  humor  publication 
on  the  campus,  exxluding,  of  course, 
the  regular  columns  of  our  cousin. 
The  Daily  Illini.  We  are  at  an  im- 
passe. We  must  choose  between  two 
irreconcilables.  Either  the  Siren  must 
devote  itself  to  the  worthy  and  ardu- 
ous pursuits  of  pure  wit  and  brilliant 
humor,  or  it  must  haul  down  its  flag 
marked  "Humorous"  and  follow  a 
procedure  which  both  candidly  and 
completely  follows  a  course  marked 
only  by  that  adulterated  dribble  of 
pseudo-humor  and  naughty  indelica- 
cies   which     properly    caters   to    the 


feminiiu-  funny  palate.  (lenuine 
liumor  and  woman  are  antipodes. 
W^hj-  is  it  that  all  the  truly  remark- 
able satirists  and  humorists  from  the 
time  of  Juvenal  to  Benchley,  today, 
aie  men?  There  are  no  female  Vol- 
taires.  Swift  and  Mark  Twain  never 
wore  dresses.  What  is  effeminate 
about  Will  Rogers?  The  fact  is  that 
true  humor  may  often  encompass 
\\oman  as  its  object,  but  woman 
ne\er  comprehends  true  humor  un- 
less it  has  become  stale  and  enervat- 
ing, when,  admittedly,  it  has  lost  two 
of  the  most  characteristic  elements  of 
itself,  freshness  and  vigor.  Humor 
easily  understands  woman,  but 
woman  rarely  understands  it  in  turn, 
except  in  the  most  incipient  stages 
and  in  the  more  salaciously  super- 
ficial ways.  The  risque  joke  which 
commands  some  degree  of  cultivation 
and  the  employment  of  finely 
balanced  nuances  and  which,  if  not 
overworked,  has  a  fairly  high  place 
in  real  humor,  is  above  the  meager 
appreciation  of  woman,  because 
humorless  woman  must  enjoy  her 
dirty  stories  in  the  more  obvious, 
vulgar  furnishings. 

A  humor  magazine,  then,  which  is 
really  such,  can  never  be  expected  to 
appeal  to  women.  The  Siren  must 
either  be  a  genuine  humorous  publica- 
tion, or  it  must  be  a  gently  innocu- 
ous stimulant  for  the  boudior.  What, 
Mr.  Editor,  will  you  designate  for 
the  future  destination  of  The  Siren? 
Have  you  the  manhood  and  honesty 
to  stalk  genuine  humor  unswerving- 
l.\  ?  Will  you  dare  continue  flaunt- 
ing our  jaded  sense  of  humor  with 
the  old  familiar  cartoons  and  heavy, 
witless  repartee,  centered  about  un- 
abashed and  forward  co-eds  as  a 
theme?  In  your  mind,  is  the  only 
thing  humorous  about  women  their 
liclpless  predisposition  to  regard  all 
acceptable  males  (of  God's  creatures, 
the  most  pitiable)  proprietarily,  as 
their  fit  game  to  be  lured  on  by 
coarse   blandishments    and     their  in- 


tamous  "it"  appeal?  Has  it  never 
occurred  to  you  that  the  Co-ed,  for 
all  her  brazenness,  her  silly  tabus, 
and  her  paradoxical  susceptibility  to 
romance  and  the  high  chair  may  be 
funny  and  quite  laughable  at  times, 
but  that  she  is  not  humorous,  any 
more  than  is  a  spavined  horse,  or  a 
spy  from  the  Dean's  office  ?  Do  such 
considerations  never  compel  you  to 
massage  your  bewildered  pate  with 
your  finger  nails? 

But  enough  of  these  charges  for 
the  time  being.  I  have  irrefutable 
and  certain  proof  from  my  own  ex- 
perience that  my  conclusions  are 
correct.  Not  long  ago  I  took  a  Theta 
into  the  White  House  for  a  little  re- 
freshment after  a  three  o'clock  class 
we  share  together.  While  we  were 
waiting  for  the  onions  to  be  sliced  on 
the  hamburgers,  I  tried  to  be  gallant- 
ly entertaining.  In  my  best  concealed 
frivolous   style   I    began. 

"Why,"  I  asked  politely,  although 
my  mischievous  eyes  twinkled  con- 
tagiously, "is  a  Siberian  Kangaroo 
like  a  Theta  with  athlete's  foot?" 

"Why  is  a  Siberian  Kangaroo  like 
a  Theta  Avith  athlete's  foot?"  my  fair 
companion  repeated  in  vaudeville 
fashion. 

"Exactly,"  said  I,  and  repeated 
"Why  is  a  Siberian  Kangaroo  like  a 
Theta  with  athlete's  foot?" 

"Why  is  a  .  .  .  etc.,  murmured  my 
friend,  grabbing  for  her  third  ham- 
burger, while  she  pondered  deeply. 
And  finally,  after  several  moments  of 
wild  guessing,  she  surrendered.  "I'll 
bite." 

"Well,"  said  I  slyly,"  I  reckon 
neither  one  of  them  has  ever  slept 
in  Newman  Hall." 

What  was  the  reward  for  my 
subtle  humor?  Hearty,  open  laugh- 
ter? Appreciative  glances?  No.  A 
mere  puzzled  titter,  empty  and  un- 
convincing. 

"Silly,"  she  said,  "there's  nothing 
to  that  story.  Of  course  kangaroos 
(Conliiiurd  on  Pa//c  22) 


Betty  Co-ed:     Let  me  mother  you. 

Carl  Campus:     O.  K.  baby  and  I'll  paw  you. 


There's  One  in  Every 
■House 

The  gi''  "'lo — 

— thinks  Rud\'  Vallcc  is  just  darl- 
ing! 

— calls  home  long  distance  every 
night. 

— is  majoring  in   P.   E. 

— always  dates. 

— never  dates. 

— is  engaged  to  a  fellow  back 
home. 

— gets  her  laundry  case  back  with 
food  in  it. 

— gets  her  laundry  case  back  with 
laundry  in  it. 


PECCARIES 

The  travelling  salesman  had  made 
himself  at  home  at  the  old  farm 
house.  One  day  the  farmer  asked  him 
for  a  smoke  and  he  replied,  "You'll 
find  my  Picayunes  in  on  the  table." 

The  farmer  squinted  his  eyes,  spat 
over  the  garden  fence,  and  growled, 
"I  don't  mind  yere  stayin'  here  fer 
weeks,  and  I  don't  mind  yere  makin' 
love  to  my  dattcr,  but  I'll  be  gol 
dinged  if  yere  kin  keep  yere  hawgs 
on  my  good  table." 


And    then    there's    tlie    camel    who 
walked  a  mile  to  an  oasis  for  a  date. 

S 


Prof. :  "\Vh\  was  Bismarck  noted 
for  his  'blood  and  iron'  policy?" 

Alpha  Phi:  "He  probably  didn't 
have  a  safety  razor." 


"Where's  (Jrace's  visitor?  " 
"He's    out    in     the     kitchen     will 
(irace  putting  icing  on  a  cake.  " 
".Aha,  an  iceman.  " 


The  SIREN 


GIRLS  MEN  DATE 

In  the  interests  of  science  1  felt  it 
ni\'  (liit\'  to  learn  ;dl  1  couM  about 
the  kind  of  gills  men  date,  and  for 
m\'  information  1  went  to  Reggie 
Roxhunter,  who  was  known  far  and 
\\ide  tor  his  d.iting  proclivities. 
Proud  was  the  girl  whom  Reggie 
dated,  and  I  felt  that  I  could  learn 
something  valuable  to  all  womanhood 
if  I  could  prevail  upon  the  great 
Reggie  to  tell  me,  in  his  own  simple 
unaffected  manner,  just  what  it  was 
men  sought  in  a  girl. 

"Reggie.  "  I  said,  "Just  what  kind 
of  girls  do  men  date?"  1  scorned 
beating  around  the  bush,  and  as  Reg- 
gie did  also — ne\er  having  gained 
anything  from  a  bush  anyhow — he 
spoke  these  words  of  wisdom. 

"Men  date  girls  who  are  tall,  and 
also  girls  who  are  short.  Men  date 
girls  who  are  fat,  and  also  girls  who 
are  thin.  Men  date  girls  who  are 
beautiful,  and  also  girls  who  are  not, 
Men  date  girls  who  are  clever,  and 
also  girls  who  are  dumb.  Men  date 
girls  who  do,  and  also  girls  who 
don't.  All,  in  all,  men  date  girls." 
With  an  airy  wave  of  his  Murad 
Reggie  has  gone  in  a  cloud  of  smoke, 
and  I  was  left  alone  to  ponder  on 
the  unquestionable  truth  of  what  he 
had  just  told  me.  Truly  Reggie  Fox- 
hiuiter  knew  women — would  that  we 
all    did. 

S 

"That's  another  big  graft,"  said 
Herbert  Hoover  as  the  tree  surgeon 
repaired  the  tree.  J 

s •■ 

Frosh  writing  a  history  exam, 
"Queen  Elizabeth  was  the  virgin 
queen  of  England.  As  a  queen  she 
was  a  great  success." 

S 

Theta:  Some  of  our  pledges  this 
semester  aren't  making  good. 

Kappa :     We  have  some  depression 
l)ledges,  too.  B 
S ■ 

W.  C.  T.  L'.:  "But  the  Chi- 
omegas  aren't  \ulgar." 

Y.  M.  C.  A.:  "Hell  no,  they've 
got  it  down  to  an  art." 


Girl  Number 


Ex-Boy  Friend 

Anyway  I'm  better  oft  with  her 
oft  my  mind  I  wasn't  getting  much 
done  I  always  hanging  around  there 
and  she  didn't  want  me  anyway  I'm 
not  so  hard  up  I  guess  there  arc- 
plenty  of  pebbles  left  on  the  beach 
\et  let  her  go  out  with  that  guy  if 
she  wants  to  he  isn't  so  hot  and  just 
wait  till  she  finds  out  that  I've  left 
her  flat  I  wonder  if  she  had  a  good 
time  she's  just  like  them  all,  anything 
to  get  out  and  have  a  date  no  dis- 
crimination or  anything  I'm  done 
with  her  and  there's  no  fooling.  She 
must  think  she's  the  only  girl  in  the 
world  well  I  guess  the  fish  left  in  the 
pond  are  just  as  big  as  the  ones  that 
ha\e  been  caught  even  if  she  doesn't 
know  it  her  trying  to  make  a  fool 
out  of  me  anyway  I'm  a  lot  better  off 
not  having  her  to  worry  about  all  of 
the  time  I'll  bet  she  felt  tough  when 
I  didn't  call  like  I  always  did  I'll  bet 
that  made  her  think  I  wonder  if  she 
stayed  home  I'll  bet  she's  sorry  as 
hell  I  wonder  what  she's  doing  what 
she  can  see  in  that  guy  is  what  is 
beyond  me  I'm  glad  I'm  all  through 
with  that  mess  no  more  women  me 
she  usta  like  me  though  and  it  would 
make  me  look  like  a  heck  of  a  sport 
if  I  left  her  flat  like  this  like  I  was 
sore  or  something  when  all  that  is 
the  matter  is  that  I  have  a  few  brains 
and  won't  stand  for  all  of  her  mess- 
ing around  when  she'd  supposed  to 
be  going  with  me  I'm  better  off  any- 
way without  her  walking  all  over  me 
I'm  not  any  woman's  slave  she  thinks 
that  she  can  get  away  with  anything 
well  I'll  show  her  a  thing  or  two  I'll 
fix  her  clock  I'm  through  and  I'm 
glad  of  it  if  she  wants  to  be  seen 
with  people  like  that  its  her  lookout 
I've  got  other  irons  in  the  fire  and 
aiunvay  I'm  better  off  without  her 
around  all  of  the  time  now  maybe  I 
can  get  some  work  done  what  does 
she  see  in  that  guy  I  wonder.  .  .  . 


INNOVATION 

He  was  another  blind  date — and 
that  was  nothing  new  to  her.  He 
had  a  car,  which  you  will  admit  is 
something  out  of  the  ordinary.  And 
then,  too,  he  was  both  handsome  and 
intelligent,  which  was  an  entirely 
new  experience  to  her. 

He  did  not  ask  what  course  she 
was  taking  at  college. 

He  did  not  rai.se  his  eyebrows  and 
say  with  innuendo:  "So  you're  THE 
Sally  Brown  I've  heard  so  much 
about." 


He  did  not  ask  her  age. 

He  did  not  tell  her  the  latest 
gossip  about  her  sorority  sisters. 

He  had  no  complimentary  ticket 
to  a  dance. 

He  did  not  dance  the  "Illini  hop" 
— but  took  smooth,  gliding  steps  in- 
stead. 

He  insisted  that  she  consume  quan- 
tities ol   fooil. 

He  did  not  insist  that  she  stay  out 
",'iftcr  liouis." 

He  (lid  not  neck  on  the  sorority 
porch. 

He  was  from  ANOTHER  school! 


Complete  Characterization:  He's 
the  kind  of  a  guy  who  likes  Amos 
'n  Andy. 

— Darlinouth  J<uk  o'Liinh  i  ii. 


"Just  like  the  one  I  got  at  Woolworth's  for  Sadie's  birthday. 


r/ie  SIREN 


1/Koman     i-/unt  I 


Did  you  ever  happen  to  hear  the 
one  about  the  dilly  co-ed  who  wanted 
a  man  bad  enough  to  try  a  desperate 
sort  of  strategy  to  get  him?  It 
makes  me  howl  just  to  think  about 
it!  Well,  the  story  of  the  big  hoax 
goes  something  like  tills: 

One  Friday  night  out  at  the  main 
library,  a  good-looking  pledge — a 
Psi  U.  pledge  (take  back  the  part 
about  being  good-looking)  felt  a  tre- 
mendous thump  on  the  back  of  his 
head,  and  a  huge  wad  of  paper  fell 
on  his  notebook-crackshot !  On  turn- 
ing around,  nobody  was  to  be  seen — 
the  mischievous  hurler  of  the  missile 
had  vanished ! 

Being  of  a  curious  nature  (he  had 
only  been  pledged  a  few  days,  you 
see)  he  opened  the  packet  with  in- 
terest. Contained  within  was  a  mys- 
terious message — one  which  fairly 
made  him  quiver  with  excitement.  It 
read : 

"Go  to  the  broadwalk  entrance  of 
Lincoln  Hall,  enter,  walk  over  the 
middle  of  the  tablet,  and  up  the  right 
hand  flight  of  stairs.  On  the  third 
step  from  the  top,  you  will  find  a 
message." 

There  was  no  signature,  but  on 
careful  examination,  the  youth  dis- 
covered something  faintly  resembling 
the  letter  "H"  in  one  corner. 

"Lucky  am  I !"  thought  the  pledge 
to  himself,  "For  here  indeed  is  some- 
thing worth  finding."  So  following 
instructions  carefulh,  he  found 
everything  as  described.  .'\t  the  afore- 
mentioned spot,  there  was  another 
note.  This  one  was  written  in 
rhyme,  which  only  served  to  make 
the  mystery  more  impenetrable. 

"To  the  graveyard  next  to  you, 
.-Xnd  of  the   tombstones   row  on 

row, 
Find  the  tallest  one  in  view; 
.^nd   there   will    be    a   note    for 

you!"  H. 


by   a    Co-ed 


The  letter  "H"  was  written  quite 
legibly  this  time.  Whoever  "H"  was, 
she  certainly  was  having  a  good  time 
making  him  chase  all  over  the  many 
square  miles  of  University  grounds. 

Determined  to  see  the  whole  thing 
through,  the  pledge  set  ofl  for  the 
graveyard.  Since  it  was  pitch  black 
and  he  had  only  his  cigarette  lighter 
with  him,  you'll  believe  me  when  I 
tell  you  he  had  a  pretty  tough  time 
of  it  finding  the  tallest  tombstone. 
Doubtless  he  never  would  have  come 
across  it  unless  he  had  chanced  to 
hear  voices  in  the  distance,  and  was 
surprised  to  see  that  others  than 
himself  were  interested  in  the  graves. 
A  fellow  and  a  girl,  both  of  his  ac- 
quaintance, incidentally,  were  argu- 
ing heatedly  about  something;  but 
they  sure  shut  up  quick  when  he 
stopped  just  four  yards  away,  and  tri- 
umphantly bore  off  the  letter  with  in- 
structions within. 

The  note  proved  to  be  a  disap- 
pointment due  to  its  brevity  and  no 
new  disclosures.     It  suggested: 

"Try  the  Goodwin  street 
bridge  of  the  Boneyard."       "H." 

By  this  time,  our  hero's  tongue 
was  literally  hanging  out  and  his 
eyes  dilating  about  from  the  severe 
ordeal ;  but  at  last  he  arrived  on  the 
banks  of  that  famous  peaceful  river. 

Just  as  he  thought!  There  was 
another  of  the  hateful  notes — so  this 
wasn't  the  end  yet ! 

"If  you  would  know  who  I  may 

be, 
Very,  very  soon  you'll  see ; 
Go  to  the  top  of  Uni  hall- 
One  place  more,  and  that  is  all !" 
"H." 
Feverishly,   the  pledge  tore  up  the 
five  flights  of  darkened  stairs,  bump- 
ing wildly  into    things,    and   almost 
losing   his    balance    and    precipitating 
himself    headlong    over    the     railing 
several  times.     He  found  the  message 
all   but   chewed    in   shreds    by   rats, 


( 


which  were  all  over  the  place.  A 
pleased  grin  spread  over  his  face  as 
he  whisked  out  his  lighter  to  read  it. 
At  last  he  had  it — the  address! 

"You  will  find  me  at  608  South 
Matthews  street.  Just  ask  for 
Henrietta." 

Triumphant,  though  his  shoulders 
were  drooping  from  sheer  exhaustion, 
the  youth  staggered  toward  the 
given  address.  "Henrietta!  What  an 
odd  name  for  a  co-ed!"  he  no  doubt 
was  thinking  to  himself.  When  he 
got  there,  he  walked  past  the  place 
four  times  to  make  sure  he  had  the 
right  address.  No!  This  was 
certainly  number  608,  all  right. 
Still,  it  stood  to  reason,  there  must 
be  something  wrong,  because  Bethany 
Circle  was  at  608! 

Convinced  that  something  was 
amiss,  nevertheless  our  hero  rang  the 
bell.  It  was  promptly  answered  by  ' 
a  very  buxom  girl  who  started  at  him 
in  amozement  as  if  he  were  a  freak. 
"Is  Henrietta  here?"  he  asked  with 
some  embarrassment,  having  diffi- 
culty pronouncing  the  name. 

"Henrietta!"  gasped  the  girl. 
"Surely  you  don't  mean  Henrietta!" 
The  young  man  nodded  his  head 
confidently,  "Oh,  yes  I  do." 

"Good  Gawd !"  shrieked  the  girl, 
attracting  the  attention  of  all  the 
dateless  sisters.  She  waved  her  arms 
frantically  in  mid-air,  powerless  to 
speak.  At  last  she  seemed  to  snap 
out  of  it  enough  to  point  a  finger  i 
his  direction  and  accuse,  "He  wants 
Henrietta!" 

All  of  them  looked  at  him,  frozen 
with  horror.     Nobody  moved. 

"Surely  you  must  be  mistaken!" 
suggested  one  of  the  Bethany  girls. 

"Nope — I    want   Henrietta!"   said 
the  youth  with  determination,  refer- 
ring again   to   the   paper.     "Y'see,  I 
liave  a  date  with  her,"  he  explained. 
(CoiilhiuiA  on  Pa<jc  20) 


Girl  Number 


Qampuj 
HotaMes 


10 


The  SIREN 


T.  P.  A.  (At  the  races)  :    "Why  do  you  always  bet  on  your   Wooden 
horse'  to  come  in  last?" 

Beta:     "Because  that's  just  a  hobby  of  mine." 


Suspense 

He  felt  strangely  alone  in  the  long 
cool  halls  of  the  hospital.  White 
clothed  nurses  glided  by  him  seem- 
ingly unaware  of  his  presence  and 
his  mental  strain.  He  walked  with 
a  hurried  stride  up  and  down  the 
corridor.  A  friendly  nurse  ap- 
proached and  smiled. 

"The  doctor  says  it  will  taice  just 
a  little  longer  and  that  you  are  not 
to  worry." 

How  callous  this  was,  no  consola- 
tion whatever.  Why  there  far  in 
the  recesses  of  the  building  was  some- 
thing that  wovdd  shape  the  rest  of 
his  life!  He  paced  the  hall  again, 
growing  more  and  more  restless. 

Suddenly  a  door  opened  and  the 
doctor  came  and  stretched  out  his 
hand :  "Congratulation,  my  boy, 
everything  is  successful.  You  have 
passed  the  medical  exam  and  you 
may  now  continue  your  registration." 


Art 

The  art  museum  was  being  re- 
paired as  A^Irs.  Goldihocks  browsed 
among  the  exhibits.  Step  ladders  and 
scafifolding  bothered  her  not  one  whit. 
To  say  that  she  was  awed  and  en- 
thralled would  be  putting  it  mildly. 

"You  know,  Mrs.  Sparetherod," 
said  she  in  low  tones,  "I  just  adore 
shades  and  shadows.  Take  that  one 
on  the  north  wall  for  instance ;  a 
gradual  fusion  of  black  into  grey, 
with  dashes  of  white  and  pearl  inter- 
mingled on  a  background  of  clay.  It 
is  superb,  modernistic,  and  only  a 
master  could  wield  a  brush  to  pro- 
duce such  results.  Its  sombreness  and 
yet  freedom  from  monotony  is  im- 
pressive to  even  the  bourgoise." 

Suddenly  from  out  of  the  corridor 
came  a  shout.  "Hey  Bill,  finish 
washing  that  north  wall.  V^isitors 
will  be  coming  in  and  it  looks  like 
hell." 


Chief  of  the  Racketeers 

/')•  Hill-  i)f  the  vir/iiiis 

A  careful  consideration  of  the 
racketeering  problem  includes  not 
only  Al  Capone  and  Will  Rogers, 
but  those  shining  examples  of 
Mendel's  law  and  descendants  of 
tiiat  most  famous  of  propogationers, 
Kve.     In  a  word.  Women. 

Vanity  Fair  has  its  Literary  Rack- 
eteers, College  Humor  its  Campus 
Rackets,  Judge  a  racket  in  itself,  so 
why  not  unearth  and  tear  wide  the 
inner  workings  of  the  most  famous 
or  infamous  of  racketeers?  Ever 
since  the  day  that  a  rib  was  stolen 
from  Adam  to  make  a  woman,  man 
has  been  the  source  and  store-house 
of  materials  for  furthering  the  suc- 
cessful existence  of  woman.  Not  that 
a  word  should  be  said  against 
women,  for  what  would  Chesterfields 
and  Camels  do  without  women  ?  Can 
you  imagine  a  Man  as  the  criterion 
of  Individuality  or  Good  Taste?  Can 
a  Man  keep  dainty  hands  with  Lux 
soap  and  does  not  the  old  fashioned 
washing  machine  become  a  drudge 
and  a  bug-bear  to  Woman  ?  Of 
course  there  can  be  a  Philco  radio  in 
every  home,  like  a  baby,  but  secretly 
we  carry  the  knowledge  that  the 
babe  will  some  day  be  a  woman. 
E\en  Whitman's  Samplers  has 
adopted  a  woman  to  put  Samplers  on 
everyone's  lips. 

But  where  does  the  racketeering 
come  in  ?  The  answer  is,  in  every 
loophole  or  pants  pocket  possible. 
What  husband  has  spent  every  night 
of  his  life  in  sound  sleep  with  peace- 
ful dreams,  knowing  that  his  beauti- 
ful wife  has  never  ransacked  his 
trouser  pockets  for  money?  What 
man  has  ever  taken  a  woman  to 
dinner  with  the  assurance  that  she 
will  choose  with  her  left  hand  what 
his  right  can  aiitord  ?  The  laugh  is 
on  the  Man,  and  even  that  is  at  his 
expense.  Woman  carries  no  guns, 
her  weapons  are  subtle  and  make  no 
noise.  There  is  no  smoke,  but  the 
effect  is  more  devastating  than  war, 
floods,  and  famine  combined.  A  swish 
of  satin,  a  breath  of  perfume,  a  love- 
ly smile  and — "two  seats  down  front, 

tConthiurd  on  Paije  19) 


Girl  Number 


Directory 

ll  Kappa  Alpha  Theta — Just  a  biinch 
of  the  girls  with  a  lot  of  tastes  in 
common.  The  Theta  front  porch  is 
really  something  pretty  swell. 

Chi  Omega — Very  strong  in  the 
South,  and  a  more  than  indispensible 
part  of  a  song  that  says  something 
about  there  not  being  any  Chi 
Omegas  in  Siam.  It  is  whispered 
about  that  the  showers  in  this  man- 
sion are  rather  antique. 

Kappa  Kappa  Gamma — The  goils 
that  first  thought  of  wearing  these 
here  now  Madame  Chairman  glasses. 

Delta  Gamma — Where  Ruth  Ash- 
more  lives. 

Pi  Beta  Phi — The  house  with  the 
Queen  Anne  front  and  the  Mary 
,Ann  back.  Official  song — "I  did  it 
cried  the  sparrer,  I  did  it  with  my 
little  bow  and  arrer." 

Tri-Delt — So  nice  and  handy,  and 
right  on  the  bus  line  too. 

Zeta  Tau  Alpha — The  house  that 
makes  the  place  remember  all  about 
some  widow  shades  that  they  didn't 
possess  in  the  days  before  they  moved 
out  to  their  country  residence  and  no 
longer  needed  any. 

Sigma  Kappa — One  more  fire  and 
tlun'll  have  enough  for  a  new  house. 

I\dta  Zeta — The  origin  of  the 
rumor  about  the  unkissed  Delta  Zeta 
is  buried  in  the  past.    A  lot  of  people 


"What  made  him  think  we're  in  love?" 


T/ml 


inds    me.    I    havr    a    Jul,- 
Mary   l./m    loniijlit 


would  like  to  know  if  there  was  any 
truth  in  it. 

Alpha  Phi — Once  we  heard  a  Chi 
Bete  say  that  maybe  the  Phi  Delts 
weren't  the  onh'  house  that  had 
crockery  in  their  back  yard. 

Alpha  Xi — Rh>'mes  well  with 
Alpha  Phi.  They  say  that  the  girls 
put  on  an  elegant  house  dance  when 
they  go  to  that  much  trouble. 

(jamma  Phi  Beta — We  always  did 
think  those  nasty  cracks  about  the 
Gamma  Phi  hotel  were  made  by 
people  who  were  just  a  little  jealous. 

Alpha  Delta  Pi — Tradition  has  it 
that  there  is  always  at  least  one  A. 
n.  Pi  senior  and  that  they  either 
iiave  a  slightly  deaf  house  mother  or 
a  well  oiled   cellar  window. 

Phi  Omega  Pi — In  the  vulgate. 
the  Pop  house. 

Theta  Upsilon — C~)ut  of  the  high 
rent  district — bus  service  every 
fifteen  minutes. 

Alpha  Gamma  Delta — The  house 
with  the  stair  railing  that  has  often 
caused  a  supressed  desire  to  slide  :m<\ 
slide   and   slide. 

Alpha  Omicron  Pi — The  A.  (X 
Pi's  ha\-c  a  water  hazard  right  in 
their  front  hall. 

Alpha  Chi  Omega — "When  this 
house  is  done  it'll  be  the  tallest  one 
yet." 

Beta  Phi  Alpha— Perfect  ladies, 
e\ery  one  of  them,      (tsk!)  f 


First  crossword  fan:  "What's  a 
shorter  word  than  purgatory  and  has 
an  "E?" 

Second  lunatic:     "Hell.     Yes." 


Visitor  to  guide  in  newspaper 
plant:  "What  is  that  horrible 
stench?" 

Guide:  "Oh  that's  just  the  daily 
deadline." 


Missionary  to  Tennessee  nioun- 
tainer:     "Can  you  read?" 

Backwoodsman:  "Nope,  but  I  can 
whip  the  man  that  can." 


The  deadline  on  the  Woman's  staff 
of  the  Daily  Illini  is  about  e\en  with 
tiieir  ears.      (Amen.) 


One:  "What's  the  cause  of  all 
that  racket?" 

Two:  "The  fencing  champion 
was  just  bitten  by  a  mosquito." 


Here's  what's  left  of  Dr.  Zero, 
Math  professor  from  Trinity; 
He  didn't  hear   the  whistle   blow- 
,He  now  approaches  infinity. 


12 


The  SIREN 


'Just  like  these  women -always  falling  for  a  uniform." 

— Notre  Dame  Juggler. 


BE  BASHFUL! 

I'm  only  a  pledge  who's  very  sh\  : 

Yet  the  actives  lave. 

I  wonder  why? 

"Strip  poker's  very  bad,"  they  say. 

I  like  to  play  it,  an>^vay. 

The  boys  all  do,  so  why  can't  I 

As  long  as  I  appear  quite  sin  ? 

Cokes  are  flat ;  I  go  tor  gin, 

And  alcohol,  which  they  call  "sin." 

At  girls  who  cuss,  they  rudely  stare; 

But  what  the  hell, 

Do  you  think  I  care? 

Girls  who  pet,  it's  claimed, 

Are — (scum!) 

How  well  we  know  tlie\  ha\e  more 
fun ! 

Staying  out  late  is 

"Naughty  girls'  game"; 

I  always  do  it  just  the  same! 

For  what's  the  use  of  coming  to  col- 
lege 

Of  annexing  a  lot  of  knowledge? 

Unless  you  use  in  a  bashful  way. 

All  you  learn  from  day  to  day? 


Kditor  dating  feminine  assistant: 
"Do  you  like  exchange  work?" 

Feminine  assistant:  "(^h  yes,  sir. 
I5ut  do  you  think  it  quite  dark 
enough  ?" 

S 

Lawyer:  "Your  Honor,  I  ask  you 
to  be  lenient  with  this  woman 
charged  with  stealing  jewelr\-.  She 
stole  because  of  her  environment  in 
college." 

Judge  (before  pronouncing  sen- 
tence on  feminine  offender)  :  "Why 
are   you   writing?" 

Femofl :  "Oh  sir,  I  got  the  habit 
of  taking  lecture  notes  in  college." 

Jdge:  "What  sorority  did  you  be- 
long to?" 

Foff:     "Pity." 

[dge:  "Three  years  for  perjury. 
I'itys  don't  take  notes." 

S 

This  magazine  is  devoted  to  humor, 
why  not  reserve  a  page  for  campus 
politics? 


Youth 

Youtli  in  .ill  its  bloom  stood  on 
the  sorority  porch.  There  was  sad- 
ness ill  the  boy's  eyes.  His  com* 
panion,  contrary  to  all  expectation!' 
ot  a  blind  date,  was  cheerful,  good' 
looking,  amiable,  supple,  and  sober. 
The  boy  solemnly  stood  clinking  two 
nickels  in  his  pocket.  Evidently  he 
was  a  pessimist,  for  as  he  spoke,  the 
fire  of  Dante,  V^oltaire,  and  Chic 
Sale  smouldered  on  his  lips. 

"Life  is  dull,"  he  said,  "Packards, 
women,  education,  shows,  what 
there  new?  I've  been  every  place 
and  done  everything.  I  was  happy 
and  now  I  am  sad.  I  have  tasted 
life's  bitterest  dregs,  yes,  the  bitterest 
of  dregs." 

And  then,  gentle  reader,  came  the 
answer,  true  to  life,  easy  flowing,  co- 
edical. 

"Why  don't  you  try  syphoning 
vour  wine  before  voii  drink  it?"        _ 


First:     "I  heard  you  hired  anothe: 
stenographer.     What  does  she  do?" 

Second:      "I   don't    know    yet, 
stayed     home     last     night    with    the 
wife." 


I 


Spring  Flirtation 

Pretty  girl — 
Spring  day — 
Promenade — 
My  way — 
Drop  hanky — 
On  street — 
Pick  up — 
We  meet — 
Tip  hat — 
Slowly  walk — 
To  her  flat — 
Nice   talk — 
Chummy  seat — 
Rig  clinch — 
Good  time — 
Sure  cinch — 
What's  that — 
Door  bell — 
HER  HUSBAND- 
OH  HELL—! 


Girl  Number 


13 


I  Must  Be  Misunderstood 

I  know,  my  poor  misunderstood 
people — because  I'm  one  myself! 
Women  don't  understand  me.  Babs 
is  my  best  friend.  One  night  she 
came  over  to  my  apartment  to  see 
me,  and  found  her  husband  making 
violent  love  to  me.  And  she  got 
positively  furious  and  accused  me  of 
alienating  his  affections.  How  inap- 
propriate. Could  I  be  rude  and  not 
ilisten  to  what  her  brute-husband  had 
to  say  when  he  was  my  guest?  And 
especially  if  he  had  muscles  like 
steel ? 

Men  don't  understand  mc  cither! 
Jo  thinks  I  love  him  deeply  just  be- 
cause 1  told  him  I  did.  And  when  I 
just  went  away  for  the  week-end 
with  this  silly  Eddie  person  who's 
disgustingly  rich,  he  thought  we 
iQught  to  call  the  engagement  ofif. 
Isn't  that  ridiculous — after  I  went  to 
lall  the  trouble  of  wearing  his  heavy 
bid  three-carat  diamond.  Men  arc 
so  ungrateful.  Just  have  some  stupid 
jlittle  infatuation,  and  they  fly  off  on 
a  tangent. 

My  maid  doesn't  understand  mc. 
She  left  in  a  huff  this  A.  M.  when 
she  found  one  of  the  chappies  from 
the  party  last  night  was  under  her 
bed.  And  I  know  it  wovdd  have  been 


'Of  course  I  slapped  him.    How  was  I  to  know  what  Platonic  meant?" 


nut  right 


quite  all  right  if  he  hadn't  talked  in 
his  sleep.  Delia  has  been  suffering 
from  insomnia  lately,  and  is  very 
easily  irritated  by  sounds  in  the 
night. 

My  dog  doesn't  understand  me!  I 
bought  him  a  lovely  T-bone  steak — 
the  kind  you  pay  $.85  for,  grilled 
spcciulh'  for  him,  and  he  just  sits  and 
snarls  at  it.  1  know,  he's  turned  mis- 
anthropist, the  booby — just  because 
somebody  upset  a  cocktail  shaker  on 
him  the  other  night.  So  he's  refus- 
ing to  cat  so  that  he'll  grow  thin  and 
scrawn\-  anil  won't  win  any  more, 
blue  ribbons  for  me,  the  old  meanie! 

My  parents  don't  understand  mel 
They  refused  to  acknowledge  me 
from  the  day  I  graduated  from  col- 
lege. "You  can't  live  like  a  savage 
and  then  return  to  civilization!" 
quoth  they  sagely.  "What  civiliza- 
tion?" replied  I  smartly,  and  only  get 
disowned  for  the  pains  of  thinking 
up  a  nifty  come-back. 

.My  college  education  did  do  one 
thing  for  me,  though.  It  got  me  a 
keen  job  modeling  clothes.  If  it 
liailii't  been  for  that  stupid  blind 
date     ni\      freshman     vcar.     1     never 


would  have  met  Petey.  Petey  used 
to  send  me  American  beauties  until 
he  flunketl  out  of  school. 

When  I  was  about  to  graduate,  I 
had  Petey  down  for  Senior  ball,  and 
it  was  orchids  and  a  job  with  his 
dad's  firm  from  then  on.  His  dad 
thinks  I'm  much  too  innocent  and 
naive  for  Petey,  so  he  takes  me  out 
instead  now.  When  Petey  raises  a 
fuss,  his  dad  says  he  must  do  without 
his  allowance  if  he  cares  to  be  seen 
in  public  with  me — so  Petey's  father 
takes  mc  to  the  loveliest  shows  and 
things. 

In  fact,  there's  only  one  type  of 
person  who  understands  me — and  I 
wish  they  didn't!  They're  my 
creditors,  the  fools.  They  never  get 
the  least  bit  irritated  when  I  tell 
them  they  must  wait  awhile  for  their 
money.  They  think  I'm  the  "Poor 
little  Girl  about  to  receive  Vast  En- 
dowment from  Old  Wealthy  Man 
who's  Kicking  Off"— but  if  they 
knew  I  didn't  have  a  cent,  and  was 
just  trying  to  get  enough  pseudo- 
.sophistication  together  to  write  a 
story — oh  I  bet  they  wouldn't  lose 
any  time  ti'N'ing  to  misunderstand  me! 


14 


r/?c'SIREN 


Keeping  liis  wits  about  Iiini 


How  to  He  Charmitig  Under 
Difficulties 

Over  and  over  again  we  have  heard 
charm  called  an  elusive  thing.  All 
of  us  strive  for  it  constantly,  witii 
one  degree  of  success  or  another. 
Yet  surely  it  is  not  difificult  to  be 
your  own  lovely  self,  exuding  charm 
from  every  pore  when  the  sun  is 
shining,  the  birds  warbling,  and  little 
flowers  blooming  merrily.  No,  in- 
deed— the  real  test  of  true  charm 
comes  in  those  moments  of  agonizing 
embarrassment  which  beset  all  of  us 
at  some  time  or  another.  Some  people 
brazen  out  their  problems  in  an  un- 
gcnteel  way;  other  timid  souls  endite 
an  epistle  to  Dorothy  Dix  or  Doris 
Blake  (and  usually  get  the  answer 
"use  yoiu-  own  judgment")  but 
those  who  are  truly  sincere  will  sure- 
ly be  able  to  find  adequate  solutions 
to  each  and  every  little  perplexity  in 
this  novel  and  entertaining  column 
of  advice. 

Today's  mail  hag  held  a  host  of 
interesting  letteis,  most  of  which  I 
shall  answer  b\  return  mail,  but  for 
the  benefit  of  that  great  group  of 
people  who,  although  they  themselves 
ha\e  not  written  as  yet,  still  want  to 
know  the  correct  thing  to  do,  I  shall 
reprint   some   of    the    more    pertinent 


questions,  together  with  answers 
winch  should  do  much  to  solve  any 
question  regarding  charm. 

Dear  Aunt  Bella:  I  was  so  em- 
barrassed the  other  evening,  and  I 
wonder  if  you  could  help  me?  I  am 
forty  years  old  and  ha\e  been  en- 
gaged to  a  very  nice  bo\'  for  about 
ten  years.  The  other  cxening  he 
asked  me  if  he  couKi  call  me  by  my 
iirst  name.  ^Vhat  should  I  have 
done?  Axxiois. 

Deal'  Anxious:  I  realize  that  this 
is  a  delicate  question,  and  I  like  your 
attitude.  I  do  not  beliexe  in  allow- 
ing men  liberties,  but  as  you  ha\e 
known  this  boy  for  some  time,  I  think 
the  charming  thing  for  you  to  do 
would  be  to  ask  him  to  see  your 
parents  and  get  their  permission.  If 
they  do  not  object.  I  am  quite  sure 
ir  woidd  he  a  kinchiess  on  your  part 
t(j  allow  him  this  privilege,  but  do 
not  let  him  o\er  do  it. 

At  NT    Bela. 

Dear  Aunt  Bella:  I  need  your  ad- 
vice and  do  hope  you  can  help  me. 
'["he  other  evening  at  a  dinner  part\ 
my  escort  picked  up  a  piece  of  lettuce 
and  rubbed  it  in  his  hair.  What 
should  I  have  done.''      Hi.t  i-  E\i;S. 

Dear    Blue    Kyes:      It    1    had    been 


vou,  m  order  t(j  put  him  at  his  ease 
and  show  him  that  you  understood 
his  temperament,  I  would  have 
handed  him  the  salad  dressing  and 
laughingly  told  him  to  go  right  ahead 
with  his  vegetable  imitations. 

AixT  Bella. 
Dear   Aunt    Bella:      I   accidentally 
shot    and    killed     my     mother-in-law 
the  other  day.    What  should  I  do? 
Puzzled. 
Dear  Puzzletl :     Apply  to  the  Car- 
negia     Foundation     for     the     medal 
which  you  amply  deserve. 

AuxT  Bella. 

S 

"When     did     you      get     all     the 
dimples?" 

"During    these     times     of     depres- 
sions." 

S 

"Did   you   ever   take   fencing?" 
"Yeah,  once,  on  Halloween  night." 

S 

She  was  a  member  of  Torch  but 
she  wasn't  hot  enough  to  smoke. 

S- 

Father:     "A  night  watchman,  my 
son,  is  the  result  of  Platonic  love." 


Father:  "Do  \'oii  know  my 
boy,  Will?" 

Co-ed :  "Oh,  so  you  know 
about  it,  too?" 


Girl  Number 


15 


Sistern 

It    you   can    blow   smoke    rinRS   wIkmi 

all  about  you, 
The  hot  air  boys  are  blowing  up  a 

gale  ; 
It   you   can   hold   your   likker   though 

they  mix  it, 
With  everything  bootleggers  have  for 
sale ; 
If   you     can    listen     to   a     naughty 

story, 
With      a     dumbness     which      denies 

you've  luiderstood — 
If    you    can     do    these     things     with 

smoothness,  darling, 
Then,  sister,  I'll  admit  that  you  are 

good. 


If  you  can  neck  with  fair  amount  of 

finish. 
And    seem    withal    a    novice    at    the 

art — 
If  you  can  play  and   keep  from  ever 

paying. 
And  yet  appear  to  take  the  generous 

part ; 
It   \'ou  can   cope  with   cats  and  seem 

not  catty 
(  k't  the  low-down  on  all  and  yet  not 

tell— 
If  \ou  can  Jo  these  little  things  I've 

mentioned. 
Then,  sister,   I'll  admit  you're  doing 

well. 


Student:  "Why  was  King  Alfonso 
exiled  to  England  ?  " 

Prof.:  "The  people  didn't  like 
him,  because  he  had  too  much  Haps- 
burg  and  Bourbon  in  him." 

Stiide:  "Then  he  deserved  it,  the 
old  drunkard  !" 


"Oh  dear,  oh  dear,"  wailed  the 
young  mother.  "I  had  a  contract  for 
a  new  house  and  the  baby  swallowed 
it." 

"Too  bad,"  sympathized  a  visitor. 
"Was  it  binding?" 

"I  don't  know,  but  I  suppose  it  is 
now." 


Editor:  "Did  you  write  all  of 
those  jokes?" 

Inferplex:  "Yeh,  it  only  takes  a 
little  reflection." 

Editor:     "Self-reflection,  eh?" 

S 

Woman,  Couching  Terms  I'nc- 
touly:  "What  makes  you  so  dirty- 
minded  ?" 

Youth  Making  Caustic  Answer: 
"My  childhood  sweetheart  pledged 
Chiomega." 


Even  though  we  don't  have  cars 
the  number  of  girls  that  walk  home 
is  amazing. 


Famous  She's 

.  .  .  boygan 

.  .  .  p's  that  pass  in  the  night 
.  .  .  devils 
Tito  .  .  .  pa 

Because  .  .  .  's  nobody's  sweetheart 
now. 

Haa,   Baa,   Black  .   .   .  ep 
Three  .  .  .  ts  in  the  wind. 


It  was  a  terrible  storm  and  Eve 
straggled  in  wet  to  the  skin.  Throw- 
ing a  soddy  maple  leaf  mantle  from 
her  shoulders  she  said,  "Adam,  I'll 
ha\e  to  be  re-leaved." 


Mary  had   a  little  lamp ; 

A  good  one  we  won't  doubt. 

For  every  time  that  company  came. 

The  little  lamp  went  out. 


Woman:      "My   ideal  man   must  be  calm,  stoical,  precise,  and  pri- 
marily a  man  of  actions,  not  bothered  by  trivial  emotions." 
Dub:     "You  don't  want  a  man,  you  want  a  robot." 


16 


The  SIREN 


Meditations 

Xothiii};  to  do  but  work. 
Xotliinj;  to  cat  but  food, 
Xotbing  to  wear  but  clothes 
1  o  keep  OIK-  from  f;oing  luulc. 

.Nothing  to  breathe  but  air 
Quick  a.<  a  Ha.sh  t'is  gone: 
Nowhere  to  fall  but  off. 
Nowhere  to  stand  but  on. 

.Nothing  to  comb  but  hair, 
.Nowhere  to  sleep  but  in  bed, 
.Nothing  to  weep  but  tears. 
Nothing  to  hur\-  but  dead. 

Nothing  to  sing  but  .songs. 
Oh  hell,  ala.s,  alack! 
Xowheie  to  go  but  out. 
Xowhere  to  come  but  back. 


.Nothing  to  see  but  sights. 
.Nothing  to  quencii  hut  tliirst. 
Xothing    to    have    but    what    \ou\e 

got; 
Thus  through  life  we  are  cursed. 

.Nobody  to  d.uice  with  but  beginneis, 
l.\er\  thing  moves  that  goes; 
.Notiiing  but  good  ol'  "Foot  Ease," 
C'.in  e\er  relieve  my  toes. 

\V'h\  should  men  take  adxaiiccd 
swunming  courses  when  beautiful 
co-eds  can  make  "fish"  out  of  any  of 
them. 


Then  there  was  the  Delta  Zeta 
that  never  heard  the  one  about  the 
traveling  salesman 


"With  a  permanent  like  hers  jon'd  be  irresistable  too. 


THEY  LAUGHED 
WHEN  I  SAT  DOWN 

— but  as  the  last  strains  died  away, 
they  burst  into  applause.  My  fingers 
Hew  lightly  over  the  keys  as  I  went 
into  the   "Paddling  Song"   from   the 
Tales  of  Hoffman.  My  audience  was 
held  snow  bound.   Ha  ha — and   they 
thought  they  would  get  a  laugh  out 
of  me   but   now   the   questions   came 
thick  and  thin — "Where  did  you  ever 
learn  to  play  so  beautifully?"     "Who 
IS  your  in.structor?"     I  merely  .smiled 
and     shooed     them     back     in     their 
corners.      "Listen."   says   I,   "and    I'll 
tell    \ou    the   story.      It   was   back    in 
the  early  nighties  before  drug  stores 
sold   sandwiches  and   when  the  Chi- 
cago Tribute  was  still  a  leaflet.  I  al- 
ways   had    a    hankering    to    play    the 
piano,    but   as  pianos   were   still    un- 
heard of,   I   had   to  be  content  with 
my    Jew's    harp.       However     as    the 
\ears    rolled    by,     the   hankering    in- 
creased, but  I  had  it  removed  by  an 
operation.     There  came  a  day  when 
my  grandmother  bought  me  a  beauti- 
fully engraved   piano    bench     and   a 
Steinway.      My   happiness  was  com- 
plete, so  I  put  on  boxing  gloves  and 
stepped   up  to  the  piano.      But  there, 
dear  friends,  I  met  with  disappoint- 
ment —  bitter  disappointment  —  I 
couldn't  play  a  note!     Day  after  day 
I  walked  back  and  forth  in  front  of 
the  keyboard,   wearing  the   rug  to  a 
frazzle.     At  last  I  grew  courageous, 
reached    fourth   and    punched   a   key. 
Ah,    friends,    I'll    never    forget    how 
that  one  note  inspired  me  and  how 
my  aged   grandmother  shouted   from 
the  cyclone  cellar,  "That's  a  hell  of 
a  note!"  I  socked  her  in  the  basement 
with  a   Xo.  G  string,  and  bought  a 
Physical     Vulture    magazine.     After 
paging  through  the  pages  I  chanced 
on   the    U.    S.   School   of   Music   ad- 
vertisement.    With  shaking  hands   I 
clipped  the  coupon  and  within  three 
days    I    had   mastered    Chopin,    Beet- 
lio\eii,  and   Bach." 

S 


After  taking  only  five  lessons  I  as- 
tounded them  all  by  swearing  fluent- 
ly at  the  waiter  in  French. 


Girl  Number 


17 


HORSEY 

The  other  night  I  was  awakened 
by  a  heavy  thud  to  find  my  rooniniate 
sleepily  picking  himself  up  from  the 
floor  beside  his  bed. 

"What  happened  ?"  I  asked 
grouchily. 

"Just  had  a  nightmare,"  was  his 
sheepish  reply,  "and  she  threw  me." 

Hut  I  got  even  with  him  for  shak- 
iiiii  me  out  of  a  perfectly  delightful 
dream.  He  started  to  crawl  into  his 
bunk  the  next  night  and  was  deeply 
troubled  by  the  presence  of  a  copious 
supply  of  bran  flakes  therein.  Dimly 
suspecting  dirty  work  he  turned  to 
nie. 

"You  got  anything  to  do  with  put- 
ting this  bran  in  my  bed?"  he  de- 
manded   suspiciously. 

"Don't  be  silly,"  was  my  sarcastic 
answer  as  I  sat  up.  "It's  only  for 
your  own  good.  Beings  you're  such 
a  poor  horseman,  I  thought  that  bran 
might  appease  your  nightmare's  ap- 
petite so  she  would  treat  you  more 
t;t'ntly."  And  with  that  I  snorted 
contempuously  a  couple  of  times,  lay 
down,  and  went  to  sleep. 

Roomie  had  his  revenge. 

Next  morning  I  awoke  with  a 
sensation  of  being  choked,  and  with 
a  heavy  weight  across  my  middle.  I 
was  firmly  gagged,  with  a  regulation 
cavalry  saddle  across  my  midriff  and 
cinched  under  the  bed,  and  my  hands 
strapped   together. 

Roomie  sat  across  from  me  on  his 
bunk,  watching  my  antics  witli  a 
malignant  gleam  in  his  eyes.  Finally 
he  got  up,  sauntered  toward  me,  and 
suddenly  hoisted  himself  into  the 
saddle  he  had  copped  from  the  R.  O. 
T.  C,  me  protesting  dumbly  all  the 
while  to  the  ignominous  treatment. 

"Listen,  you  ass,"  he  began  scath- 
ingly, "if  it  wasn't  for  your  con- 
founded braying  I  wouldn't  have 
those  nightmares.  And  since  I  can't 
gag  you  to  keep  you  from  snoring 
every  night,  I'm  going  to  get  some 
practice  riding.  Just  to  stabilize 
things  I  got  you  bound  up  plenty 
ti^ht. 

He  needn't  have  made  that  last 
crack    as    I    had    alrcad\-    fo\uid    that 


RETIRING? 


out.  Anyway  a  wild  glint  came  into 
his  eye  and  he  started  jumping  up 
and  down  in  the  saddle,  accompanied 
by  lusty  wheezes  from  me  every  time 
he  came  down,  and  began  flaying  my 
legs  unmercifully  with  a  belt. 

Poor  roomie!  In  the  first  place  he 
should  have  known  better  for  we  had 
roomed  together  three  years  now  and 
he  knew  how  I  got  when  I  was  mad. 
He  might  as  well  have  started  ham- 
mering on  a  case  of  high  explosives 
as  fool  with  me.  But  he  had  lost  all 
reason  and  was  whopping  it  up  right 
royally.  And  that's  where  he  made 
his  second  mistake. 

The  only  experience  he  ever  had 
riding  was  on  a  hobby  horse  as  a 
four-year-old  with  his  mammy  there 
to  hold  him.  Even  then  in  a  lax 
moment  he  had  toppled  to  the  floor 
on  his  head,  which  was  probably  the 


cause  of  his  present,  at  times,  de- 
mented actions.  Anyway  he  got  too 
reckless  for  a  novice  like  himself. 

In  the  third  place  he  was  in  the 
infantry  and  had  the  usual  foot 
soldier's  lack  of  information  about  all 
things  equestrian.  Consequently  he 
iiad  tied  the  saddle  girth  in  a  bow 
knot  instead  of  cinching  it  properly. 
It  was  no  wonder  that  it  soon  worked 
loose  under  the  severe  pommelling, 
and  that  combined  with  a  particular- 
ly nasty  heave  of  mine  and  his  pre- 
carious balance  sent  him  piling  to  the 
floor. 

I?\-  the  time  I  had  unloosed  myself 
roomie  was  regaining  consciousness. 
"What  happened  ?"  he  asked  dazedly. 

"Nothing  much,"  I  replied  unsym- 
pathetically.  "You  tried  to  make  an 
ass  out  of  a  nightmare  and  she  threw 
vou." 


The  SIREN 


Coming  Distractions 


This  pafjc  has  clumped  haiuls  more 
times  this  year  than  a  lap-dog  with 
fleas,  but  it  you  will  bear  with  nic  a 
little  while.  \\c  will  sci-  it  \\c  can 
give  you  a  tew  [niintcrs  on  the  best 
shows  that  will  appear  at  our 
theatres  until  our  next  issue.  Due  to 
lack  of  space  we  can't  tell  you  about 
all  the  talkies  which  will  be  fea- 
tured, or  all  about  most  of  the  com- 
ing attractions;  but  for  yovn-  con- 
venience we  will  tr\'  to  give  you  an 
idea  of  some  of  the  best  ones  in  our 
opinion. 

RIALTO — If  you  arc  interested 
in  names,  these  following  titles  may 
be  of  some  interest  to  you:  "Finn 
and  Hattie"  —  "Mother's  Cry"  — 
"Little  Caesar"  —  "The  ]VIillion- 
aire"  —  and  "Hot  Heiress." 

Our  selection  which  consists  of 
two  shows  per  theatre,  takes  "Little 
Caesar,"  featuring  Edward  G.  Rob- 
inson, Doug.  Fairbanks  Jr.,  and 
Glenda  Farrell  as  one  of  the  two 
best  to  be  shown  at  the  Rialto  dur- 
ing this  period.  The  story  of  this 
picture  has  been  s\'ndicated  in  eighty- 
two  newspapers,  and  is  a  gang  story 
with  some  real  revelations  of  the 
underworld,  and  for  once  gives  an 
actual  picture  of  the  gangster  with- 
out any  sob  stuff  added  to  make  yov; 
think  that  all  gangsters  are  noble, 
fine,  etc.,  etc.,  as  most  of  us  have 
usually  seen  him  portrayed.  The 
picture  is  tense  and  full  of  action, 
and  the  rise  of  Little  Caesar  from  a 
small-time  crook  to  an  underworld 
chief  wont  cause  you  any  disappoint- 
ment as  far  as  excitement  is  con- 
cerned. The  cast  is  made  up  of  ten 
good  actors,  including  Edward  G. 
Robinson,  the  former  Broadway  and 
Theatre  Guild  actor,  and  in  addition 
to  those  first  mentioned,  Rajpji  Ince. 
and  Wm.  Collier  Jr. 

"Mother's  Cry"  will  be  shown 
wlien  your  mother  is  here.  You 
ought    to    take    her   to    it,    as    it    por- 


trays .1  mother  .-uul  her  two  sons  (one 
good,  and  one  bad)  and  is  LIFl'. 
without  being  super-sentimental. 

This  picture  I  do  not  need  to  say 
an\thing  about.  It  is  good,  the  act- 
ing is  as  near  perfect  as  we  ever  get 
a  chance  to  see.  The  name  of  it  is 
"The  Millionaire."  The  principal 
actor  is  George  Arliss.  If  you  miss 
this  picture  you  will  be  one  of  the 
few  to  miss  it.  If  times  weren't  as 
bad  as  they  are,  we  would  predict 
an  extended  engagement  for  this 
picture,  but  we  know  that  after  its 
run  from  May  17  to  May  20,  that 
another  picture  is  billed,  and  it  will 
move  on  to  some  other  town.  By  the 
way,  ]VIrs.  Arliss  also  plays  in  this 
picture. 


R.  K.  O.  VIRGINIA— Here  we 
have  "Born  to  Love"  with  Constance 
Bennett  —  "Iron  Man"  featuring 
Lew  Aycrs  —  Norma  Shearer  in 
"Strangers  May  Kiss"  —  El  Brendel 
in  "Mr.  Lemon  of  Orange"  and 
"Skippy." 

Personally,  we  are  going  to  see 
"Strangers  May  Kiss,"  Norma 
Shearer  taking  the  lead.  We  always 
were  strangers  to  Norma,  e\cn 
though  we  would  like  to  know  her 
familiarly.  We  luiderstand,  however 
that  Robert  Montgomery  does  most 
of  the  kissing.  (AND  HE  GETS 
PAID  FOR  IT!) 

The  story  goes  like  this — Lisbeth. 
a  modern  young  woman,  finds  that 
she  can't  kiss  and  ride  awa\ .  She 
tails  ill  lo\e  with  a  roNer  gentleniiui, 
Neil    Hamilton,    .•iiid    i  aises   consider- 


able "whoopic"  when  he  gives  her  the 
lun-around.  She  is  then  taken  back 
by  that  nice  man  Robert  Mont- 
gomery. The  world  io\'er  conies 
back  however  feeling  very  chastened. 
Whom  will  she  finally  give  the  right 
to  kiss  her?  Well  the  title  says, 
"Strangers  May  Kiss,"  and  being  a 
"stranger"  we  are  going  to  see  how 
we  come  in  sometime  between  the 
tenth  and  twelfth  of  May. 

"Mr.  Lemon  of  Orange"  featur- 
ing El  Brendel  and  Fifi  D'Orsay 
promises  to  be  a  hilarious  comedy 
full  of  lots  of  original  gags.  El 
Brendel  will  be  remembered  as  the 
"gentleman  brought  back  to  life"  in. 
"Just  Imagine."  In  this  picture  he 
is  gi\'en  one  of  the  best  parts  he  has 
ever  had  the  opportunity  to  play,  and 
with  Fifi  D'Orsay  (Whom  we  will 
wager,  most  all  of  you  will  want  to 
see  a  lot  more  of)  it  will  be  an  im- 
possibility not  to  derive  some  real 
enjoyment  while  viewing  this  show 
from  somewhere  in  the  R.  K.  O. 
Virginia. 

R.  K.  O.  ORPHEUM— "Kiki" 
with  the  best  known  moving  picture 
actress  ever  developed  in  this  country, 
Mary  Pickford,  brings  back  a  story 
you  probably  all  remember.  Few 
actresses  have  ever  enjoyed  the  fol- 
lowing which  is  so  loyal  to  her.  If 
we  thought  that  it  would  be  neces- 
sary to  encourage  you  to  attend 
"Kiki"  we  would  fill  the  rest  of  this 
page  with  past  achievements  of 
Maiy  Pickford;  liowe\er,  we  won't 
say  anything  more,  but  will  SEE  you 
at  the  R.  K.  O.  Orpheum  when 
"Kiki"  is  playing. 

If  you  have  a  desire  to  see  a  "gold- 
digger"  dug,  you  will  be  interested 
in  knowing  that  "3  Girls  Lost"  pro- 
\ides  just  that  situation.  Loretta 
^'oung  and  John  Wayne  play  the 
leads,  assisted  by  Lew  Cody,  Joyce 
Compton,  and  Joan  Marsh.  (Quite 
a  cast!  Eh,  what?)  The  plot  con- 
(Continued  on  Piu/c  2-f) 


Girl  N  urn  her 


W 


ODE  TO  SPRING 

Ladies  and  Gentlmen:  It  is  in- 
deed a  solemn  occasion  that  I  clear 
my  voice  with  Listerine  thereby  re- 
gaining all  my  friends  and  displacing 
myself  as  a  wallflower.  Speaking  of 
wallflowers  reminds  me  of  a  poem  I 
once  knew  as  I  was  strolling  down 
Wright  street  with  my  hat  on  m\- 
arm  and  a  Theta  in  my  hand.  She 
scz  to  me  in  her  sweet  musical  bass 
\oice:  "By  Gawd  it  looks  like  rain." 
So  I  took  the  dog  by  the  collar  and 
fed  him  some  of  that  rot-gut  I  had 
just  bought  at  Hanley's  and  he  very 
gratefully  thanked  me  by  taking  me 
by  the  neck  and  marching  Tommy 
Arkle  up  to  me.  Now  the  funny 
part  of  it  is  that  Eddie  Barker  wasn't 
in  that  day,  so  we  took  our  car  and 
drove  over  to  the  Commerce  build- 
ing for  a  "coke."  When  we  got  there 
the  Law  building  was  bare  so  we 
couldn't  get  the  poor  bloke  a  coke. 
So  we  got  a  few  free  samples  of  water 
from  the  Boneyard  and  washed  our 
neck  and  ears  with  a  couple  of  sour 
notes  from  Bill  Donahue's  band. 
Then  we  decided  to  go  home  so  we 
liot  on  an  L  C.  special  that  happened 
to  pass  by  and  drove  the  team  back 
to  Prehn's.  Boy,  down  there  we  had 
a  swell  time.  There  was  the  rot- 
tcncst  grub  a  guy  could  eat  and 
wonderful  music  was  being  played  in 
Danville.  I  forgot  but  I  think  the 
orchestra  was  Rill  Arnold  and  his 
mouth  organ.  That  guy  certainly 
plays  awful,  the  tunc  v\-ent  some- 
thing like  this — tra-la-de-boom-tra-la 
— kinda  pretty  too.  Just  then  a 
cyclone  hit  the  street  car  and  blew 
IIS  clear  over  the  Kappa  house.  It 
knocked  me  out  and  when  I  woke  up 
I  thought  I  was  in  heaven  cuz  there 
was  the  worst  bunch  of  crocks 
around  me.  I  found  out  later  they 
were  Sigma  Kappas  and  the  West 
Residence  Hall  had  been  trying  to 
lilcdge  them.  Say,  there's  an  insti- 
tution for  you.  Have  you  ever  seen 
so  many  workouts  in  one  place  as 
there  is  in  that  Pi  Phi  house.  All  in 
all  though  I  know  one  darn  nice  girl 
there  at  the  Delta  Gamma  joint — 
\essum  she's  so  nice  I  think  she  must 


be  a  house  mother  or  an  instructor. 
Which  leads  right  up  to  my  main 
issue. 


Racketeers 

(Conlinucd  from  Page  10) 
please."  A  frown  more  powerful  than 
Gibraltar,  a  stamp  of  a  foot  more 
crushing  than  an  avalanche  and — 
"Change  that  Ford  order  to  a  Pack- 
ard." A  tear  drop  that  is  more 
ominous  than  cyclone  clouds,  a  sigh 
that  rivals  Jupiter's  bolts  of  thunder 
in  effect  and — "Tickets  for  a  Medi- 
terranean cruise  for  two,  please." 

Woman,  that  chief  of  racketeers, 
has  been  at  work  quietly,  carefully, 
and    thoroughly    down    through    the 


ages.  There  is  no  law,  legal  or 
natural,  to  stop  her.  Barriers  built 
up  by  muscle  and  brain  are  toppled 
over  by  her  whims.  Cities  rise  and 
fall  at  her  commands.  But  still  not 
satisfied  with  these  powers,  she  has 
preyed  still  further  into  the  secrets 
of  her  business.  The  man  who  says 
"Will  you  marry  me,  dear?"  is  not 
the  pursuer,  he  is  the  victim  of  an 
age-old  profession,  he  is  being 
rackctccrcd. 

Every  racketeering  business  that 
has  sprung  up  eventually  meets  de- 
feat and  is  torn  down  by  rebellious 
dissenters.  But,  Woman,  the  chief 
racketeer,  runs  her  course  forever, 
which  leads  to  the  belief  that  we 
must  like  it.     JIE  DO! 


"Key  Eddie!  Call  up /(^^/^^^''^  quick 
and  ask  them  to  send  a  tax  i\Q 
and  collar,  pronto  " 


20 


77;(' SIREN 


A  SHOP  which,  tliough  it  can  not  serve 
tea  to  readers  of  the  Siren  every  afternoon, 
can  and  does  j^ive  daily  service  (without  the 
lemon)  to  all  customers  who  appreciate  at- 
tention to  their  taste  as  well  as  to  their  bud- 
><et  for  typing,  mimeographing,  or  printing. 
.  .  .  That  is  why,  for  your  convenience,  we  are 
located  above  606  EAST  GREEN  STREET 
Where  MOTHER'S  DAY  invitations  and 
programs,  SENIOR  CARDS,  INTER- 
SCHOLASTICS  invitations,  may  be  had  in  crisp  black  engraving  or  printing  on  creamy  parch- 
ment or  panelled  stock.  Where  you  order  with  pleasure,  and  with  less  effort  than  it  would  take  to 
drop  a  lump  of  sugar  into  your  teacup. 

MA^   WE  SERVE  YOU? 


OLLEGE 
UhL/SHERS 

Chnmputpn  ,  /////?ow 


Woman  Hunt 

(Conlinuid  from    Patfc  S) 

"But  1  tell  you  she  hasn't  been 
here  since  day  before  yesterday!" 

"But  she  told  me  to  meet  her 
here!"  complained  the  pledge.  "I 
want  fienrietta!  Where  have  you 
hidden  her?  '  he  accused  with  sudden 
suspicion,  loathe  to  see  a  fruitless  out- 
come to  all  his  efforts. 

"You've  seen  her  then  to  talk  witli 
her?"  queried  another  of  the  sisters. 

"No!"  he  confessed,  "But  she 
wrote  me  a  note — in  fact,  she  wrote 
me  several!"  he  added  meaningly. 

"Do  you  mind?"  asked  this  same 
girl,  reaching  for  the  paper  in  his 
hand.  "I  just  happened  to  think  of 
something."  She  scanned  the  note 
a  moment  before  commenting  on 
what  .she  saw  disclosed.  "Just  as  I 
suspected !"  she  said  slowI\-  and  sig- 
nificantly. 

"I'm  awfully  sorry,"  she  explained. 


looking  at  the  young  chap  pityingly. 
"But  I'm  afraid  you  don't  under- 
stand the  situation  at  all !  We  broke 
her  pledge  the  other  day  because, 
well  frankly,  she  just  didn't  measure 
up  with  our  high  standards  at  all! 
And  reports  have  it  that  she's  gone 
roiiif>/ttr/y  of)  her  nut  from  the 
.shock!" 

Strange  transformations  were  tak- 
ing place  on  the  face  of  the  pledge. 
Bewilderment,  pain,  sorrow,  and  the 
desire  to  laugh  and  cry  were  all  reg- 
istered at  the  same  time. 

"But  if  we'd  known  all  along  she'd 
take  it  that  hard,  of  coiuse,  we'd 
ne\er  have  broken " 

The  fellow  heard  no  more,  for  he 
had  fallen  senseless  at  their  feet. 


At  the  inquest  two  days  later,  the 
brothers  of  Psi  Upsilon — contrary  to 
all     expectations — exhibited     an     ap- 

paling   lack   of   sympathy  and    under- 


standing for  the  departed. 

"It  served  him  right!"  argued 
one  of  the  more  virtuous  of  their 
number.  "There  he  was — tooting  all 
over  town  after  this  femme — when 
lie  should've  been  raising  the  house 
average! " 

It,  however,  was  the  consensus  of 
masculine  opinion  that  "Any  poor 
fool  who  would  have  anything  to  do 
with  a  University  woman,  in  the  first 
place,  didn't  deserve  to  come  to  a 
more  honorable  finish.  Why  what 
were  Danville,  Decatur,  Monticello, 
and  other  towns  for — if  not  to  give 
some  relief  from  these  same  co-eds!" 


There  litis  a  young  hidy  netnied  Fall, 
II  ho  nent  to  a  fmiey  dress  hall; 

Though  seantily  dressed 

She  outshone  the  rest 
For  she  literally  outstripped  them  all. 
■ — Royal  Gahhoon. 


Girl  Number 


21 


He:  I  see  your  sex  has  surrendered 
at  last. 

She:    Where'd  you  hear  that? 

He:    Just    saw    a    sign,    "Ladies 
Ready  to  Wear  Clothes." 

— (Jonicll  f{"idou\ 


She  never  said  "No"  .  .  .  yet  she 
has  "Athlete's  Foot." 

— Lehii/h  Bun . 

S 


Kappa    Sig:      Who    is   the    lucky 
an  ? 
Sig  Ep:     Her  father! 

—Bored  JVnlk. 


-S- 


First    Chi    O:     I    wonder    what 
made  the  tower  of  Pisa  lean. 

Second   Chi   O:      I   wish   I   knew, 
darling,  I'd  take  some  myself. 

— Green  Gander. 


Teacher:  In  the  sentence,  "I  saw 
the  girl  climb  the  fence,"  how  many 
"Ts"  would  you  use? 

S.  A.  E. :     Both  of  'em  teacher. 
— Green  Gander. 

S 


Knock  at  the  door. 

"Who's  there?" 

"It  is  I,  His  Majesty  Herman 
Fernando  Erich  Victor  Emmanuel 
Karl  Franz  Herbert  von  Shutzen- 
dum." 

"Oh,  come  in,  Terry,  dear." 

— Sun  Dial. 


Did  you  take  part  in  this  fight  or 
were  you  just  a  witness? 

Man  with  black-eye :  I  was  only 
an  eye  witness.  — Sun  Dial. 

"Who  was  that  woman  I  heard  in 
your  room  last  night?" 

"That  was  no  woman.  That  was 
my  radio." 

"Well,    tell     your    radio    not    to 
trample  her  lipstick  into  the  rug." 
— John  Hopkins  Blark  and  Blue  Jay. 


Permanent 
Waves 

Realistic— $8.50 

Nestle  Lau  Oil— $8.00 

Groquenole  Special — $5.00 

MARINELLO  SHOP 

Telephone  2542  627  East  Green 


RIGHT 
FROM  DIXIE 


"The  Minstrel  may  sinR  of  the  English  King."  but  there's 
tTen  more  Vim.  ViBor  and  Vitality  in  these  famous  Vir- 
ginia Peanuts.     The  familiar  5c  bag  of  Planters  Peanuts 
conUins  more  calories  than  a  helping  of  chicken  salad  and 
white    bread    that    would    cost    40c    in    most    ■■«'»"";Jf:   , 
That's    why    PlanUrs    Peanuts    are    called       Ine    rsicnei 
Lunch." 

Planters  Nut  &  Chocoiate  Company 

U.S.A.  and  Canada 

Planters 

;SaltedPeanuts; 


22 


The  SIRFN 


Culled  From  Our  Fan  Mail 


I  Ciiiilinu.d  jiiim   I'aijc  S) 


wouldn't  be  allowed  in  such  a  place." 
One  day  about  a  year  ago  I  was 
arguing  with  a  famous  surgeon,  a 
friend  of  mine,  about  the  question 
of  co-eds'  sense  of  humor.  We  made 
plans  to  find  out  something  definite. 
I  hid  behind  some  bushes  out  on 
Lincoln  avenue  one  night  and  ani- 
bu>hcii  an  average  co-ed  as  slie 
walkeil  by.  Suddenly  confronting 
her,  I  quieted  her  with  reassuring 
words.  Telling  her  I  was  going  to 
buy  her  a  double  orange-coke,  I  en- 
ticed her  into  a  nearby  confectionery 
where  I  doped  her  with  ether  and 
smuggled  her  out  in  a  large  banana 
crate.  My  friend  waited  in  a  high- 
powered  car,  and  we  dumped  Miss 
Average  Co-ed  into  the  tonneau  and 
sped  to  his  operating  room.  Here 
my  eminent  surgeon  friend  utilized 
a  multitude  of  sensitive  and  delicate 
instruments,  far  beyond  my  poor 
technical  knowledge  to  explain.  At 
length,  after  painstaking  care,  he 
located  her  sense  of  humor  in  the 
right  foot,  just  above  the  ankle. 
Then  what  a  pother!  Every  step 
anaesthetically  perfect,  the  surgeon 
deftly  delved  in  with  pliers  and  tongs 
and  extracted  from  about  an  inch  be- 
neath the  surfaces  a  dirty  looking 
little  object  about  the  size  of  a 
bloated  pea,  covered  with  mould,  and 
heavy  as  quick  silver.  His  face 
beamed  with  joy  of  scientific  accom- 


plishment as  he  handed  this  odd 
curiosity  to  me. 

"There  it  is,"  lie  nodded,  "just 
about  as  I  surmised  all  along." 

"Do  tell,"  I  ejaculated,  somewhat 
awe-struck,  "but  why  is  it  so  dirty?" 

"It's  their  nature  to  be  that,"  my 
friend  answereil  wisely,  chuckling  a 
little. 

We  put  the  average  co-ed's  sense 
of  humor  in  near  beer  to  preserve 
it,  if  possible,  while  the  surgeon  skill- 
fully, for  appearance's  sake,  inserted 
a  petrified  grape  fruit  seed  into  the 
place  recently  occupied  by  the  sense 
of  humor.  With  a  combination  of 
caution  and  rare  luck  we  were  able 
to  restore  the  average  co-ed  without 
anyone  being  the  wiser  as  to  what 
had  been  done.  Her  sense  of  humor 
surprisingly  dissolved  in  short  order 
in  the  near  beer,  or  I'd  have  scientific 
proof  of  the  experiment  now.  This  is 
about  all,  except  that  a  sequel,  I  can 
say  that  the  acts  of  Miss  Average 
Co-ed  subsequent  to  this  secret  op- 
eration, like  her  words  which  fol- 
lowed, never  gave  anyone  cause  to 
suspect  that  she  had  been  separated 
from  her  sense  of  humor. 

I  believe  that  these  dissertations, 
anecdotal  in  form,  but  none  the  less 
authoritative,  must  suffice  for  my 
present  piupose.  The  all  important 
thing  is  to  realize  the  utter  asininity 
and     absurd     futility     of    dedicating 


numbers  of  what  purports  to  be  a 
humorous  magazine  to  Co-eds.  This 
"Cjirl  Number"  business  must  cease, 
both  in  cover  and  contents,  or  I  must 
lament  the  extinction  of  The  Siren 
as  a  humorous  magazine.  This 
maretricious  debasing  of  the  soul  of 
humor  by  association  with  the  cloy- 
ing feminine  must  stop  instanter,  or, 
never  anon  shall  I  favor  you  with 
another  courageously  outspoken  letter 
of  suggestion  and  mild  criticism. 
Desist,  Sir,  from  your  egregious  mis- 
conceptions, I  warn  you,  or  I  must 
sever  all  connections  with  your  puny, 
emasculated  journal. 

Most  sincerely  yours, 

H.  E.  N. 
P.  S.  I  dare  you  to  print  this,  you 
traducer  of  piu'e  humor,  you  traitor 
editor!  It  hasn't  enough  girl  in  it, 
I  guess,  to  satisfy  your  corrupt  no- 
tions of  humor.  You  vile  wretch. 
You  skirt  hound!!  H.  E.   N. 


Leek :  Is  my  face  clean  enough  to 
eat  with  ? 

Dans:  Yes,  but  you  had  better  use 
vour  hands. 


At  last  we've  found  the  most  un- 
happy man  in  the  world,  a  sea-sick 
traveler  with  lockjaw. 

— Black  and  Blue  Jay. 


The  Name .... 

JOS, 

.  KUHN  & 

Carries  a  definite  assurance 
of  the  highest  attainment  of 

CO. 

STYLE 

QUALITY 

VALUE 

DOWNTOWN 

CHAMPAIGN 

Girl  Number 


23 


NOT  A  WHALE  OF  A  DIFFERENCE 

This  is  Ciraham  McNamee,  folks,  speaking  from  tlic 
Hotcha  Cafe,  Hollywood,  California.  The  decorations  here 
are  gorgeous  .  .  .  and  I  think  the  orchestra  is  just  about  to 
start  another  number.     Hold  on!     There's  something  going 

'way  over  there.  It  looks  like  a  fight!  Three  pretty 
girls  are  out  there  scuffling  around.  They're  movie  stars! 
Let's  see,  it's  Constance  Bennett,  Mary  Brian,  and  Mariene 
Dietrich.  .  .  .  No,  that's  Maureen  O'SuIlivan.  .  .  .  Boy! 
I  What  a  battle!  Maureen's  pulling  Mary's  ...  I  mean 
Marlene's  hair  out  by  the  roots,  and  they're  all  scratching 
each  other  something  fierce.  Can  you  liear  those  screams, 
folks?  Sure  is  some  battle!  Wait  a  minute.  A  cop  is 
breaking  it  up.  Yep,  it's  all  over.  (Who  was  that  scrapping 
out  there,  Fred?)  Folks,  that  was  Buddy  Rogers,  Charles 
Farrell,  and  Robert  Montgomery  who  just  put  on  that 
little  show  out  there.     Good  night. 

— Stanford  IJhapanal. 


APRIL  FOOL 

Swede:     "Aye  vant  a  marriage  liscencc.     My  name  is 
Swanson  uiid  my  girl's  name  is  Swanson. 
License  Clerk:     "Relations?" 
Swede:     "Oh  sir,  aye  couldn't  tell  you  dat." 

— Lehit/h  Bun . 

S 

Father    (going  over  son's  expense  account):     What   is 
:  this  thirty  dollars  for? 

Son:    Oh,  that's  for  a  couple  of  tennis  rackets  I  bought. 
Father:     H'm,  in  my  day  we  called  them  bats. 

—Punch  Brnil. 


Betty:  Oh,  how  do  they  ever  get  all  the  dirt  oft'  those 
football  uniforms? 

Co-ed:  Why  my  dear,  there  is  the  scrub  team  over  on 
that  bench.  — If'cslcyan  Wasp. 


Salesman:  We  have  some  new-t\'pe  shirts  here — with- 
out buttons. 

Senior:  Aly  God,  new??  I've  been  wearing  that  kind 
for  four  years  now!  — Cnmcijic  Tiih  Pup/u/. 


"Shall  I  take  you  to  the  zoo?" 

"Mo,  if  they  want  me  they'll  come  after  me." 

— Carnegie  Tech  Puppet. 


"You  should   have  seen   Blanche   run   the  half  mile  last 
night." 

"What  did  she  run  it  in?" 
"I  don't  know  what  you  call  the — things." 

— Lehii/h  Burr. 


COMING  TO  THE 

R  lALTO 

AV         THEATRE        V^ 

Wednesday,  Thursday,  Friday,  Saturday 
M.\Y  13,  14,  15,  16 

"LITTLE  CAESAR" 

With 

EDWARD  G.  ROBINSON 
DOUGLAS  FAIRBANKS,  JR. 

Sunday,  Monday,  Tuesday,  Wednesday 

MAY  17,  18,  19,  20 

GEORGE  ARLISS 

In 

"THE  MILLIONAIRE" 

His  First  Modern  Role 


Doughnuts 

That  Melt 
In  Your  Mouth 


(Always  Fresh) 

Sandwiches  and  Ice  Cold  Drinks  for 
That  Empty  FeeHng 

DOWNY  FLAKE 
DOUGHNUT  SHOP 

Sixth  and  Green 


24 


The  SIREN 


Tennis  and  Golf  Goods 


$3.00  to  $16.50 

Frames  from  $3.50  to  $7.50,  struni*  as  desired;  stringing  prices 
$2.50  to  $9.00;  tennis  balls  3  for  $1.25 

W c  arc  ri'strinilcrs  for  Varsity  players 

Crepe  sole  oxfords  $1.75         Duck  trousers  $1.75 

Complete  golf  set  $6.50  (4  clubs  and  bag) 
Others  up  to  $25.00 

Steel  shafted  clubs  $3.00  to  $5.50 
Golf  balls — 35c  to  75c  each 


THE   CO-OP 


On  the  Square 


On  the  Square 


i 


(CoKliniuJ  front  Paijc  IS) 
cenis  three  country  girls  who  iiu'i-t 
on  the  way  to  the  big  city,  and  the 
resulting  muddle  that  occurs  when 
the  ",?  Cjirls  Lost"  fall  in  love  witii 
\arious  young  men,  among  them  one 
gangster.  The  picture  proves  to  be 
pleasant  entertainment,  mighty  good 
for  an  evening  when  you  wish  to  rid 
yourself  of  the  "blues."  The  action 
takes  place  in  Chicago,  so  some  of 
you  will  be  able  to  feel  right  at  home 
in  the  R.  K.  O.  Orpheum  while  see- 
ing ".^  Girls  Lost." 

PARK — Eddie  Cantor  and  Elea- 
nor Hunt  are  coming  in  "Whoopie" 
during  the  fourteenth  and  fifteenth 
of  \Liy  at  the  Park.  Some  of  you 
may  have  seen  this  pictvne,  but  if 
you  haven't  you  know  as  well  as  we 
do,  that  you'll  do  your  best  to  see  it. 
There  is  not  a  dead  moment  in  any 
picture  in  which  Eddie  Cantor  is 
featured,  so  why  say  more? 

"Just  Imagine"  (one  of  the  most 
unusual  jiictures  e\er  produced  por- 
traying   life    some    few    years    in    ad- 


vance) is  also  scheduled.  Previously 
it  came  during  exams,  but  if  you 
didn't  enjoy  it  then  you  will  now  have 
that  opportunity.  (And  at  regular 
Park  prices. ) 

PRINCESS— You  will  find  it 
worth  an  e.xtra  trip  to  downtown 
Urbana  to  see  Charlie  Chaplin  in 
"City  Lights"  on  the  twenty-fourth 
and  twenty-fifth  of  May. 

No  picture  in  years  has  caused  as 
much  favorable  comment  in  both  this 
country  and  England  as  has  this 
picture.  Almost  every  English  pub- 
lication has  gone  "City  Lights." 
Needless  to  say,  we  need  and  ap- 
preciated more  work  of  this  truly  fine 
comedian  in  this  country.  No  actor 
has  ever  been  able  to  copy  Chaplin 
technique,  so  for  a  second  taste  of 
this  picture  of  re.il  humor  we'll  see 
\'ou  at  the  Princess.  Even  if  the 
prices  are  low,  we  have  a  sneaking 
notion  that  we'll  stay  for  two  shows. 

Now,  don't  \ou  agree  with  me 
that  tile  month  of  May  is  going  to 
bring  a  mighty  line  collection  of 
pictures  to  the  Campus? 


The  siioiv  wns  fallhiy  thick  and  fast ; 

'Tivns  ttiyht  and  bitter  cold. 
Die  iriiid  did  bloiv  in  fearful  blast. 

And     lidiiled     iiith     iengeance[ 
bold. 

il/y  nose  uas  froze  as  ivere  my  toes, 
.-I  pliyht  most  cruelly  sad: 

And  yet  teas  added  to  my  ivoes 
The   ivorst   Fve   ever   had. 

A  voice  rang  out  from  yondet  gate 
In   tones  of  gladsome  chetr; 

And  certainly  these  tvords  of  Fate 
If  ere  meant  for  me  to  hear: 

"O  Stranger  poor,  do  come  ivithin 
And  have  a  drink  or  tiio: 

A  shot  of  scotch,  or  glass  of  gin 
To  ivarm  thy  sonl  and  you." 

Ah,  noe  is  me,  and  grief's  my  lot 

That   Fortune  should  mc  shun; 

Those    ivords — idas — /     heard    them 
not, 
I  hud  my  ear-muffs  on. 

— Northivestern  Purple  Parrot. 


I 


Girl  Number 


25 


OMA'  KATCHIM 

The  Party  Girl,  the  Brazen  Hussy, 

The  Collegian  says  "She  is  the  stuff," 

She  smokes  your  fags,  drinks  up  your  poison, 

Stays  with  the  party,  tame  and  rough. 

Gather  the  rosebuds  while  ye  may, 

\Vorry  not  ye  lads  of  pain  and  sorrow, 

In  sooth  the  flapper  of  today 

Will  be  the  chaperone  of  tomorrow. 

Rise  high  ye  goblets  full  to  the  brimming. 

Skoal  to  the  pals  who  by  thee  stood. 

Who  drank  thy  grog  and  stole  thy  wenches, 

So  raise  thee  hell,  while  the  raising's  good. 

— Cornell  OUapod. 


SUCCESS 

"Well,  of  all  the  dumb  fools!     What's  the  idea  of  leav- 
ing a  can  of  condensed  milk  for  the  cat?  " 
"  'Sallright,  I  left  a  can  opener  too." 
"(),  well,  why  didn't  you  say  so?" 


They  were  thrown  out  of  the  square  dance  because  they 
were  a  couple  of  rounders.  — Juggler. 


They  were  amused  when  she  got  up  to  sing,  but  when 
she  sat  down  on  the  piano — they  knew  it  was  Helen 
Morgan.  — Juggler. 


THE  FUTILITY  OF  IT  ALL 

If  you  ever  go  to  Hades  and  happen  to  see  a  wildly  shriek- 
ing apparently  innocent  and  pure  young  damsel  roasting  on 
the  coals,  don't  bother  asking  the  head  stoker,  the  fellow 
with  the  beautiful  horns,  what  in  hell  she's  done,  for  she 
didn't  do  anything  in  hell — she's  only  the  chairman  of  the 
Blind  Date  Committc  for  a  Sorority  formal. 

— Boston  lUiinpot. 


"Girls  have  the  right  to  dress  as  they  please," 

A  maid  announced  with  vigor, 
"But  some  of  them  lack  the  nerve,"  I  said, 

"And  some  of  them  lack  the  figure." 

— Boston  Betinpot. 

S 


PROPER  SPIRIT 

"Wake  up,  there's  a  fire  in  the  quadrangle." 

"Men's  or  women's?" 

"Men's." 

"Aw,  let  the  damn  thing  burn." 

— Nortlnvestrrn  Purple  Parrot. 


VIRGINIA 

Thursday,  Friday,  Saturday,  May  7,  8,  9 

Tlio  now  idol  of  the  screen 

LEW  AYRES 

— in — 

"THE  IRON  MAN" 

.IK.W    HAKI.OW  H!)I:T    .\KM.STKON(i 

On  the   Stage 

Shirley   Ma.v   Kenned.^'   Presents 
A   (AKNn  AI>  —   A   l)AN(  K   KKVVE 

55  —  Local  Dancers  —  55 

ORPHEUM 

Last  Times  Friday 

BILL  BOYD 

"BEYOND  VICTORY" 

Starting  Saturday 

The   most  exciting;   ni.vster.v  thriller  ever 

"The  Subway  Express" 

with 

JACK  HOLT 


DEAN  OF  MEN 

Dear  Sir: 

I  write  this  in  accordance  with  your  ruling  that  every 
motorist  in  a  fatal  accident  must  report  to  you ;  that  I  am 
innocent  is  obvious.  I  was  driving  home  with  three  friends 
from  a  party  as  nearly  dry  as  a  party  ever  is  nowadays, 
when  I  noticed  that  the  road  was  shifting;  first  I  would  see 
one  side  and  then  the  other.  My  companions,  who  were 
singing  "Sweet  Adeline,"  did  not  notice  this  until  a  tree 
took  off  both  mudguards  and  the  running  board  on  the  left 
hand  side,  when  they  both  wanted  to  drive,  but  as  thc\ 
appeared  to  have  three  sheets  in  the  wind,  I  would  not  let 
them.  Then  one  of  the  damn  fools  let  loose  some  snakes, 
and  some  rats,  that  began  to  climb  up  my  legs,  and  just 
then  a  tree  took  off  the  other  mudguard.  Then  I  saw  this 
other  car;  he  was  shifting  back  and  forth  as  if  he  was 
dnuik.  I  started  to  get  off  the  road,  but  found  I  was  al- 
ready off,  and  down  a  four-foot  ditch,  besides;  in  trying  to 
get  back  on  the  road  I  found  that  that  other  fellow  and  I 
were  in  the  same  spot  at  the  same  time,  with  the  result  that 
I  soon  found  myself  sitting  in  the  road,  holding  a  head- 
light; I  was  not  dnuik,  as  the  officer  said,  but  merely  so 
affected  by  the  accident  that  1  could  not  talk  coherently. 
Convinced  that  I  leave  this  case  in  capable  hands,  I  sign  off. 
As  ever, 

— Harvard  Lampoon. 


26 


The  SIREN 


For  the  Co-ed 

Hosiery 

Lingerie 

Jewelry 

Lyle-Claire  Shoppe 

702  South  Goodwin  Avenue 


SPECIAL 


Mother's  Day 

Banquet  Programs 


All 


Price 
Ranges 


DANIELS  &  SHOAFF 

Sixth  and  Green 
Above  Spalding  Drug  Co. 


Bits     from     till      pen     of     Ihtro/tl 
Buckles : 

AT    COLLEGE 

I  rliou^lit  I  knew  women. 

I  forgot  to  go  to  class. 

My  checks  were  ahvays  short. 

I   thought  I  could  write. 

I   was  going  to  have  lots  of  nionry 

I   ilcspised   proud  parents. 

AFTER    COLLEGE 

And  now  I'm  married. 

I   forgot  the  groceries. 

They  still  are. 

I  wish  I  could. 

I  have  lots  of  bills. 

You  should  see  ni\-  baby. 

— Colorado    Dodo. 


-S- 


Wealthy  banker:  Why  do  you 
love  me  ?  For  what  I  did  ;  for  what 
I'm  domg,  or  for  what  I  will  do? 

Gold  digger:  For  what  you  will. 
— Pennsylvania   Punch   Boul. 


Orator — the    fellow   who   will    1; 
down  your  life  for  his  country. 

— Notre  Dame  Juggler. 


Eloquent  Senator:  My  life  is  a  tale 
of  hard  work  and  gradual  uplifting. 

Voice  from  tlie  Crowd :  How 
many  times  can  ya  chin  yerself  now? 
— Pcnn,   Bunch    Boul. 


Jones  is  the  most  brutally  frank 
business  man  in  town.  " 

"How  so?" 

"When  he  remits  in  payment  he 
writes:  Yoli  have  already  found  the 
enclosed  check." 

— (Jarnegie  Tech.  Puppet. 


Cheerleader:     "\Vhat's  the  matter 
with  Wrong?" 

Crowd:     "He's  all  right." 
Cheerleader:     "Who's  all  right?  " 
Crowd:      "Wrong!" 

—  Tennessee  JMuguump. 


Girl  Number 


27 


The  nciv  Chevrolet  Sport  Roadster  photographed  on  the  Tulane  Campus  with  Gibson  Hall  in  the  background 

Derive  a  six  and  you'll  buy  a  six 


Get  bcliind  the  wheel  of  the 
new  Chevrolet  Six  and  try  its 
smooth,  quiet,  flexible  per- 
formance for  yourself.  Turn  it  loose  on 
a  straightaway  and  thrill  to  real  spee<l  — 
open  it  up  on  a  hill  and  know  what  pincer 
means — swing  it  into  trallir  and  learn  what 
a  great  broken-fiehl  runner  this  ear  <'an  he! 
Chevrolet  gives  you  modern  multi-eylinder 


performance — the  dash  and  vigor  of  a  50- 
horsepower  valve-in-head  Six!  Yet  this 
capable  car  is  one  of  the  most  economical 
you  can  own.  \^  ith  a  purchase  price  lower 
than  ever  and  a  eost-pcr-mile  as  low  as  the 
lowest,  the  economy  of  Chevrolet  ownership 
has  become  more  j)ronounce«l  than  ever. 
Drive  a  six  and  you'll  buy  a  six — for  Chev- 
rolet is  indeed   the  Great   American  Value. 


Chevrolel  prices  range  from  $475  to  $650.  f.  o.  b.  Flint,  Mich.    Special  Eipiipnictit  Extra 
<^"hevroI<'l  Motor  Company.  Detroit.  IMirhigaii 


NEW  CHEVROLET  SIX 

The  Great  American  Value 


28 


r//(  SIRKN 


GALL   1  hi: 


Poivder  Puff 


and  get  that  permanent 
wave.  We  can  give  you 
a  soft  natural  looking 
wave  that  will  last 
through  the  social  season 


]]'c  use  soft  water  for  shampooing 
702  South  Goodwin  Phone  7-2595 


ILLIANA 
Teachers  Service 


Teacher  placements 
in  elementary  schools,  high 
schools  and  colleges 


Second  Floor,  Co-op  Building; 
Champaign,  Illinois 


"My  grandfather  was  an  adven- 
turer. He  was  a  gold-digger  in 
Alaska." 

"So  was  my  grandmother." 
— John  Hopkins  Bliu  k  and  Blue  J/iy. 


31  :  "I  thought  you  had  a  good 
job  down  in  Georgia?" 

30:  "I  did,  but  I  passed  a  prison 
gang  on  the  road  and  got  lonesome 
for  Vassar." 

—M.  I.  T.  J'oo  Doo. 


She:     "But,  dear,  can't  we  live  on 
love?" 

He:     "Sure,  your  father  loves  you, 
doesn't  he?" 

— I'andcrhilt  Masqucrader. 


"Whatchagotna  package?" 

"Sabook." 

"Wa.ssanaimuvitt  ?" 

"Sadickshunery,  fullinaims.  \Vife's 
gonna  gettaplecedog  and  gottagettan- 
aimferim."         — Texas   Battalion. 


Soph:     "Come  on,  take  a  bath  and 
get  cleaned  up.     I'll  get  you  a  date." 

Frosh     (cautiously)  :     "Yeh,     and 
suppose  you  don't  get  the  date?" 

— Pcnn.    Punch    Boivl. 


I  still  don't  belie\e  the  story  about 
the  absent  minded  professor  who 
hung  up  his  socks  and  then  dis- 
covered that  he  had  forgotten  to  take 
them   off.  — Broun   Jug. 


Simple :   Coidd  you  pass  the  bread  ? 
Simpleton :      I      guess.      I      moved 
pianos  last  year. 

— Carnr(/ic    Tich.  Pu/>/>ct. 


"Pardon  me,  sir,  '  said  the  absent- 
minder  professor  looking  in  the 
mirror,  "But  haven't  I  seen  you  some 
place  before?  " 

— Dartmouth   J luk-o' Lantern. 


Girl  Number 


29 


OPPORTUNITY 

Two  bandits  boarded  a  train  and 
announced :  "This  is  a  hold-up — 
don't  be  alarmed — we  won't  hurt 
anyone.  We're  just  going  to  rob  the 
men  and  kiss  the  women." 

One  old  gentleman  gallantly  op- 
posed them:  "You  curs — rob  us,  but 
if  you  touch  a  woman  here  I  shall 
raise  an  alarm  even  if  it  cost  me  my 
life." 

The  firm  voice  of  an  old  maiden 
lady  immediately  burst  out:  "Say, 
mister,  you  shut  up  and  mind  your 
own  business.  These  two  gentlemen 
here  are  robbing  this  train!" 

— Northu'eslern  Purple  Parrot. 


Goodnight,    baby,    if    you    talk    in 
your  sleep,  don't  mention  my  name. 
—  Texas  Battalion. 


Then  there  is  the  girl  who  was  so 
dumb  she  thought  she  was  supposed 
to  dance  with  her  feet. 

— Kansas  Sour  Old. 


Dr.  Dunaway,  able  historian,  has 
a  keen  sense  of  humor  and  often 
cracks  a  wise  one  just  to  see  if  any- 
one is  listening.  Usually  someone  is, 
as  was  proved  the  other  day  when  the 
Dr.  left  himself  wide  open  for  a 
snappy  comeback  as  he  was  telling 
about  the  bloodthirsty  red  skins. 

"What  would  you  d  o,"  h  e 
thundered,  "if  you  came  in  from  the 
fields  and  found  your  wife  and 
seventeen  children  dead  on  the  cabin 
floor?" 

"Bury  them,"  came  one  of  those 
voices  from  way  back. 

— Penn.  State  Froth. 


Then  there  was  the  New  York 
Scotchman  who  hired  Floyd  Gibbons 
to  talk  over  the  long  distance  phone 
to  his  girl  in  San  Francisco. 

— Wisconsin  Octopus. 


WAISTCOATS   OF   REAL   QUALITY 

Before  you  buy  a  dress  or  dinner  waistcoat, 
make  it  a  point  to  look  for  the  green  label  of 
Catoir  Vesting  on  the  strap.  If  it  is  not  there, 
you  may  be  certain  that  you  are  not  getting 
ihe  best  in  either  fabric  or  workmanship. 

CatoiR 

(Pronounced  "KAT^WAH"! 
VESTINGS       FACINGS   •    LININGS 


REFRESHING 


try  a  life  (^  saver 


Ul  COLLCdC  COMICS 


30 


The  SIREN 


Our  Business  is  Your  Business 

Because  >()ur  electric,  ,i;as,  transportation,  water  and  telephone  service  is  so 
necessar\  to  the  con\enience  and  comfort  of  Noiir  dail\  life,  it  is  in  truth  a  semi- 
public  acti\  it\ .  l-'or  that  reason,  the  compan>  suppKini*  these  services  is  known 
as  a  "public  utility." 

I'he  indi\idual  community  is  known  by  its  utilities.  Ciood  liiihts,  abundant 
power,  good  telephone  service,  pure  water,  good  transportation  tell  a  stranger 
within  the  gates  more  about  the  city  than  can  the  spoken  words. 

A  public  utility  organization  that  is  successful  reflects  its  success  throughout 
the  communit\  .'  It  pays  di\  idends  to  the  people  in  the  community  with  increased 
and  impr()\  ed  utility  service. 

This  company  is  endeavoring  to  pay  a  daiU  service  dividend  in  return  for 
the  good  things  it  enjoys  with  all  the  people  in  this  community. 


Illinois 

Bower  and  light 

Coipoiation 


Joe:  I'm  going  to  plant  my  pin 
tonight! 

Joseph:     Is  it  genuine  love? 

Joe:     Yep;  her  father  says  I  must 
marry  the  girl!             — Exchange. 
S 

I  wonder  if  it's  the  girl  or  her 
money  that  draws  interest. 

S 

The  Legionnaires  weren't  tight, 
they  were  merely  playing  war,  using 
the  curbstone  as  a  fortification. 

—.1/.  /.    T.    J' 00  Doo. 


Two  men  who  had  traveled  were 
comparing  ideas  about  foreign  cities. 

"London,"  said  one,  "is  certainly 
the  foggiest  place  in  the  world." 

"Oh,  no,  it's  not,"  said  the  other. 
"I've  been  in  a  place  much  foggier 
than  London." 

"Where  was  that?"  asked  his  in- 
terested  friend. 

"I  don't  know  where  it  was,"  re- 
plied the  .second  man,  "It  was  so 
foggy."  — Drexel  Drexerd. 


Percy,  what  is  an  alibi  ? 
An    assertion    that    you    were    at 
church  when  you  were  not  in  order 
to  prove  that  you  were  not  at  a  poker 
game  which  you  were. 

—  Tixtii  Batltdhjii. 

S 

Perhaps  the  prize  local  corn-fed 
specimen  was  the  swacked  gent  who 
sidled  up  to  the  loan  desk  in  the 
library,  pointed  to  the  sign  and 
whispered:  "Howsh  t'  borrow  a 
couple  dollarsh?" 

— Stanford  dhaparal. 

S 

First  tick:  "Let's  pick  out  a  good 
prior  for  today's  meal." 

Second  tick:  "Yes,  we've  been 
getting  into  bad  abbots  lately." 

— Harvard  Lani/>oon. 


Catty  Co-ed:  "Did  he  threaten 
you  when  he  kissed  you?" 

Betty  Ditto:  "Yes,  he  said:  'If 
you  scream  I'll  never  kiss  you 
again.'  "    — Tennessee  ]\lngivunip. 


Was  the  doctor  angry  when  he  was 
called  from  dinner  to  attend  those 
maniacs  at  the  asylum  ? 

()h  no,  he  merely  said,  "From  soup 
to  nuts.  "         — Harvard  Lampoon. 
S 

SUFFICIENT 
"I    am    a     member     of    the     Delta 
Delta  Delta." 

"All  right,  I  heard  you  the  first 
time." 

— \or/liiLfStern  Purple  Parrot. 
S 

S.  A.  E. :  Boy,  I've  got  an  in- 
structor that's  old  fashioned? 

K.  K.  G.:    Why  Bill,  how  is  that? 

S.  A.  E. :  She  wears  her  hair  in 
automobile  fashion,  you  know,  top 
down,  mud  guards  on  the  sides  and 
a  spare  tire  on  back. 

S 

"Say,  that  little  freshman  you've 
been  running  around  with  certainly 
has  a  nice  build." 

"Yep — a  perfect  '34!" 

— Jt'ashintjton   U.  Dirge. 


Girl  Number 


31 


Way  Back  When 

"Ah,  they  were  MEN  in  those 
days!"  said  brother  Horace  '00  as  he 
and  two  others  of  his  class  sat 
around  the  festive  board  with  three 
of  the  brothers  of  '33. 

"We  never  shaved,  we  never 
washed,  we  worshipped  at  the  shrine 
of  Bacchus.    Those  were  the  days!" 

So  the  six  had  a  round  on  that. 

(Rough  Brother  McSlush  '00 
passed  out  after  this  round). 

"We  beat  up  the  frosh,  we  beat  up 
the  cops,  we  had  the  faculty  liciced 
from  the  start  and  all  of  the  beer- 
joint-bouncers  were  afraid  of  us!" 

"Ah,  they  were  MEN  in  those 
days!" 

So  the  five  had  a  round  on  that. 

(Rough  Brother  Mugg  '00  passed 
out  after  this  round). 

"We  never  went  to  concerts,  we 
never  smolced  imported  cigarettes, 
and  never  brushed  our  teeth!" 

"Ah,  they  were  MEN  in  those 
days!" 

So  the  four  had  a  round  on  that. 


(Rough  Brother  Guff  '00  passed 
out  after  this  round). 

"Ah,  they  were  MEN  in  those 
days!" 

So  the  three  surviving  smooth,  re- 
fined, and  delicate  brothers  of  '33 
had  twenty-five  more  rounds  on  that. 
— Stanford  (^haparal. 

We  are  twins  and  look  alike. 
When  we  were  at  school  my  brother 
threw  an  eraser  and  hit  the  teacher. 
She  whipped  me.  She  didn't  know 
the  difference,  but  I  did.  Brother 
was  in  a  fight  and  the  judge  fined  me 
five  hundred  dollars.  He  didn't  know 
the  diff  but  I  did.  I  was  to  be 
married  but  my  brother  arrived  at 
the  church  first  and  married  my  girl. 
She  didn't  realize,  but  I  did. 

But  I  got  even  for  all  that.  I  died 
last  week  and  they  buried  him. 

— Ohio  Sun  Dial. 
S 

Corporal:     "Squad's  right!" 

Rear  Rank:  "After  all  these  years, 
he  admits  it." — M.  I.  T.  loo  Doo. 


Pleading 

The  still  of  night  was  broken  only 
by  the  crooning  of  the  swaying  pines. 
Across  the  star-lit  sky  a  reckless  moon 
scattered  tantalizing  moonbeans  over 
an  already  chaotic  scene.  The  boy 
slowly  lowered  his  eyes  to  gaze  on  the 
still,  mistily  clad  figure  nestled  in  the 
hollow  of  his  arm.  His  passionate 
eyes  devoured  every  inch  of  her 
beautiful  figure  so  placidly  reposing 
there.  Greedily  he  admired  the 
shapely  limbs,  the  firm,  girlish  bosom, 
the  smooth,  white  throat  before  he 
spoke  with  a  voice  filled  with  emo- 
tion— 

"Darling — please — just    this    once 

— I'll  never  ask  again." 

She  answered,  softly,  "No,  John." 
"Please,   darling,"   he   cried,   more 

fervently  than  ever. 

"All  right,"  she  whispered,  "just 
this  once,  but  don't  ever  ask  me  to 
go  wading  again." 

— Texas  Battalion. 


BRIEFLY  SPEAKING 

"Have  a  cigarette?" 

"No  thanks.  I  don't  smoke  and  besides  I've  just  had 
one  and  anj^vay  I'm  too  busy  and  to  tell  the  truth  I  never 
smoke  your  brand  and  I've  got  a  bad  cough  already  and 
then  smoking's  prohibited  here  and  what's  more  my  lighter's 
dry  and  I  haven't  a  match  and  even  if  I  had  one  there'd  be 
no  place  to  strike  it  and  besides  one  should  never  smoke  be- 
fore meals  and  the  air  is  bad  enough  already  and  then 
again  we  have  no  ash  trays  and  incidentally  my  wife  is 
against  it  and  what's  more  if  you  weren't  such  a  blind 
jackass  you  could  see  that  I  already  have  one." 

—.1/.  /.  T.  J'oo  Doo. 


She:     Is  he  bashful? 

Her:  Bashful?  He's  so  bashful,  when  he  proposed  to 
me  he  used  the  editorial  "we."  — Punch  Bowl. 

S 

Yes,  sir;  boy,  always  start  at  the  foot  of  the  ladder.  God 
knows  what  babe  may  be  just  ahead  of  you.  — Punch  Boul. 

S^ 

]VIother:    John,  where  did  you  go  with  Alice  last  night? 
John  :     To  the  movies. 

Mother:  Now,  John,  don't  say  that;  I  don't  mind  your 
going  to  the  park,  but,  after  all,  there's  no  reason  why  you 
should  lie  about  it.  — Punch  Boul. 


How  One  Good 
Service  Leads  to 
Another 


If  you  have  been  served  well  in 
one  department  of  this  bank,  re- 
member that  we  have  other  de- 
partments and  services  which 
you  could  use  with  equal  benefit 


University  State  Bank 

631  East  Green,  Champaign 


32 


The  SIREN 


STEP  RIGHT 

THIS  WAY 


This  versatile  magazine  oFfers  you 
reFreshins    pages    of    HUMOR, 

FICTION,  ARTICLES  and  STYLES 

College  Humor 

1030  N.  La  Salic  St.,  Chicago 

The  Magazine  with  a  College  Education 


J^ 


Happy  Landings 

"Hill    certainly    got  into    a  lot  of 
fights  when  he  was  in  Venice." 
"Was  he  ever  hurt?" 
"No.      He  always  got   tossed  into 
till-  streets." 

S 

Then  there's  the  boy  who  declined 
an  appointment  to  be  examined  for 
West  Point  because  he  couldn't  get 
out  of  military. 

S 

No.    1 :     What  did   Sandy  say  to 
that  Phi  Bete  during  the  final  exam? 
No.  2:     He  just  said,   "A  penny 
for  your  thoughts." 

— (jOnull   U'idniv. 

S 

He:  I  want  to  know  lots  more 
women  before  I  get  married. 

She:  You  will  have  to  know  lots 
more  before  you  get  married. 

— Jf't'shyan  Wasp. 


ARE 

INDISPENSIBLE 

SUCCESSFUL 
PUBLICATION 


Etchir»oV» 

Phot^o-'Enoi'tX>.>inps 

Colo  i^p.lat^  J~» 


G.R.GRUBB&CO 

u,,      ENGRAVERS'    ^,^..^ 
""  \.     CHAMPAIGN,       ■' 


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'931    1 

6  o^i 

i2^  ^    -1     5 

6   7a 

^^„     ,2 

15     H     IS 

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10    11  "iT 

27     38    J9 

■  ■IBH 

^A^  //  ^^  ikere  — 
m/  w///  //^^  / 

Of 


IjOU 


course,  wl 


A 


,  date  — and  how  — but  will  she 
wait?  You  bet  your  life  she  won  1 1 
Too  many  good-looking  fellows  wear 
Holeproof  Autogarts  and  get  there 
on  time.  The  funny  part  of  it  is  that 
Autogarts  are  correct  as  well.  And 
do  they  wear  and  wash?  We  II  say 
they  do.  The  Autogart  feature's  guar- 
anteed tooutwear  the  sock  — and  the 
sock  is  a  hHoleproof!  Need  we  say 
more?  And  style  that's  there,  too, 
with  some  snappy  new  designs  — 
those   Holeproof  exclusive  designs. 


HOLEPROOF 

Cjuioqarh 

1  Ree,  U.  S.  Pat.  Off      I  I'at.  Find. 

the  Self-Supporting  Socks 


^usipull  em  up 
ana  incij  siaij  up 


UU     and     I 


OO 


at  your  Haberdashers 


c 


A  MEL- LIGHTING  TIME 


Soft  lights  and  friendly  shadows,  intimate,  alluring  —  and 
the  mellow  contentment  of  a  Camel! 

The  pleasure  of  any  moment  is  heightened  by  Camel's 
fresh,  cool  fragrance,  tingling  with  the  delicate  aromas  of 
the  world's  choicest  tobaccos — sun-ripened — naturally  mild. 

Camels 

Made  to  be  enjoyed 


©  1931,  R.  J.  Reynold?  Tobacco 
Companv,  Winston-Salem,  N.  C. 


I^AVgl  NIJMkPft  7^ 


Don  Y  Lose  the  Good  Opinion  of  Your  Friends 
by  having  Cheap  Portraits.  It  Pays 
to  have  the  Best.  They  Cost  no 
More  in  the  End. 


Phone  2268 


The  Hoyt  Studio 

KENNETH  EUGENE  FREDERICK 
623  East  Green  Street 


Mr.  Frederick  personally  makes  each  sitting 


Travel  Number 


( 


CJwse  aowen.  UH'Maiesl  —  ^ave  Ikem  wiik 

HOLEPROOF 

Cfutoqarh 

^L  Reg.  U.  S.  Pat.  UlT-     M  I'nt,  feud. 

the  Self- Supporting  Socks 


"Sleep,  blessed  sleep"—  the  college 
man  craves  it  — and  saves  those  extra 
golden  minutes  by  wearing  Holeproof 
Autogarts.  Just  pull  them  up  and  there 
you  are— trim  and  fresh  for  the  rest 
of  theday.The  Autogartisapartofthe 
sock  and  outlasts  it,  too.  That's  going 
some  because  the  sock  is  a  h4oleproof 
—  with  the  famous  hloleproof  extra 
wear  — and  those  snappy  new  pat- 
terns for  which  Holeproof  is  famous. 


^usi  pull  em  up 
ano  Ikey  slaij  up  I 


sJsJ      and     I 


OO 


at  your  Haberdashers 


The  SIRl'N 


W  hen  \()ii  are  downtown  or  after  llie 
show  drop  in  at  the  NEW 

LILY 
Confectionery 

DINE  —  DANCE 

foil  tit  Clin  Linichcs 

ORCHESTRA 

Every  Sunday  Afternoon 

J  list  remodeled  and  new  dunce 
floor  added 


South  Neil  Street 


Champaign 


UNIVERSITY 

SHOE 
REBUILDERS 

Clean  —  Modern 

Thanks  to  our  many  friends  for 
your  patronage  in  the  past  year 

A  Happy  Vacation  to  All 


PREHN  BLDG. 

702  South  Goodwin  .Ave. 


Urbana 


Wliat  to  do  With  Your  Old  "Hit  of  the 
Week"  Records 

I.      I'ur    an    ()li\('    ill    the    hole    and    use    them    as   paper 
plates. 

2.      I'se  tlieni  ta  reh'ne  the  clutch  in  your  car. 

^.      Pledges,  wear  a  couple  in  the  seat  of  your  pants. 

4.  Put  them   \inder  cocktail   jjlasses.  they  will   protectj 
the  varnish. 

5.  Carry  a  couple  as  spare  wheels  for  your  Austin, 
'i.     See  how  far  you  can  bend  one  without  cracking  it. 

(  Hell  of  a  lot  of  good  it  will  do  you). 

7.      Put    them    inside    your    tux.    shirts     to    keep     them 
straight. 

S'.     Throw   them   a\\ay.  — Conic//  ll'uUnv. 

S 

You  can  lead  a  horse  to  Vassar,  but  you  can't  make  her 


think. 


-Ya/e  Record. 


-S- 


Statistics  show  that 

Yale  graduates  have 

1.3  children, 

While  Vassar  graduates 

Have  1.7  children, 

Which  proves  that  women 

Have  more  children 

Than  men.  — DuiiiKind  Dust. 

S 


Alibi 

The  alibi  is  a  famous  institution, 

An   inborn  character  of  human  constitution  ; 

Each  person  has  his  pet  excuse. 

For  which  he  always  finds  good  use 

Whenever  the  need  doth  call. 

Now  the  alibi  is  quite  all  right 

If  used  with  definite  end  in  sight. 

Rut  there's  one  excuse  I  can't  see  why 

So  many  people  always  cry: 

"I'm  only  human   after  all."  — Yide  Record. 

S 


Justice 

Three  little  citizens 
W^anting  things  to  do, 
One  went  speeding  in  his  car, 
And  then  there  were  two, 
Two  little  citizens, 
Looking  for  some  fun. 
One  broke  a  Sabbath  law 
And  then  there  was  one. 
One  little  citizen 
Shot  up  lots  of  men  .  .  . 
(We'll  ha\e  to  stop  here.     This  guy  sur\i\ed.     He  was 
.W    Capone).  — (Jorni//    If  idoic. 


Travel  Number 


The  crime  ifi^ave,  too., 
sti*ike»$  a  breakvk^ater 


Police  Radio  is  "joiiiinjj;  the  force"  iu  many  a  city — acting  as  a  break- 
water in  clieckinj;  the  6ur<;e  of  criminal  activity  .  .  .The  apparatus  the 


An  alarm!  Head-      police  are  using  comes  out  of  the  teleplione  workshop.  It  is  logical  that 

quarters  radios  it 
to  cruising  cars. 

Western  Electric  should  make  the  equipment,  drawing  ou  a  fifty-year 

experience  as  manufacturer  of  telephones  for  the  Bell  System  .  .  .  Serv- 

This  engineer's 
ing  this  vast  organization  i.-*  a  huge  responsibility.  Carrying  it  out  means        "precinct"   is    a 

laboratory. 

keeping  an  open  inin<l  on  new  methods  of  manufacture,  uew  sources  of 

supply,  new  channels  of  tii^tribution.    It  means  welcoming  and  taking 

Caught  —  because 

the     radio    sand        «    ,,        ,  r  i         i  -i  ■  i      i  i  .  «■ 

precious  minutes.      'h"   advantage  ol   every   wortn-\«liiIe   aid    that   motieru    science   oilers. 


Western  Etectric 

Manujacturers.    Purchasers  .  T>istributors 


SINCE     1882     tOK 


THE     BELL     bYblEM 


The  SIREN 


Editor-in-CIiiej 
Business  Manager 


Editorial  Staff 

Allan  Niess Associate  Editor  Henry    Avery Assistant  Editor 

vce  Newbill lf'o?nan's  Editor  Doc    Blackeslee Assistant  Editor 

Harvey    Kring Assistant    Editor  Lars    Halvorsen Make-Up  Editor 

(^atherine   Haynie Assistant  Editor  Marion  Irrmann Exchange  Editor 

l.nuis   McLean Issistant  Editor  Harold    Brown -/r/  Editor 

Siilney  Turner,  H.  E.  Nelson,  Dorothv  Pelzer,  Eleanor  Dollins,  O.  Becker,  Martha  Righter, 
HiHigias  Frost,  Clifford  McCartin,  Ed  Malley,  Hal  Jewell,  Helen  Clayton,  Helen  Haworth,  Bill 
Amsler,  Jane  Fauntz,  Roy  Smith,  Dorothy  Melvin,  Juanita  Ramey,  Edith  Heinzelman,  L.  E. 
Pierce,  Constance  Brelinski,  Ernest  Hall,  Mary  Henley. 

Business  Staff 

M.   E.  Gosnell Advertising  Mgr.  John   McCormick Circulation   Mgr. 

Ray  Ball Ass't  Adv.  Mgr.  Francis   MacTaggert Copy   Mgr. 

William  Zoeller Collection  Mgr. 

Virginia  Edes,  Joe  Peacock,  Mary  Putnam,  John  Klepinger 


Published    monthly    by    the    Illiiii    Publishing    Company,    Un 
Entered   as  second-class   matter  at   the   Post-Office  at    Urhana, 
Office    of    publication.    lUini    Publishing    Company.      Subsi 
muiiications,  Illinois  Union  Building,  Champaign,   Illinois.     Copy 
rights  granted  to  0}||ge|llttnOr  magazine. 


ity    of    Illinois,    during    the    college    year, 
nois.  by   act   of   Congress,    March   3,    1879. 

I.OO    the    year.      Addr 
gilt,   1931,  by  The  Siren.     Exclus 


Contents 


COVER Harold   Bowen 

Travel  Bouiul,  hy  Oratio  Altjcr 7 

The  Doiighiuit  as  a  Whole 9 

How  to  Pick  a  Date , 8 

In  Praise  of  Weather 13 

Coming  Distractions,  hy  Lot/is  McLean 18 


Travel  Number  ' 


INKLINGS 

from 
Ye  Editor's  Pen 


Merdern  Pertry 

The  vogue  for  poetn'cal  expressions — we  too,  know  that 
they  are  not  poetry — a  la  Ogden  Nash,  may  have  waxed 
and  waned  ere  September  arrives,  so  maybe  we'd  better  get 
it  off  our  chest  right  here  and  now  that  we  think  they  are 
the  nerts,  but  a  little  balfling  to  the  ordinary  soul,  who, 
after  chewing  on  a  pencil  for  an  hour  or  so  produces  some- 
thing as  terrible  as  this — 

The  love  life  of  amoebas 
Always  did  intrigue  us. 

Why  the  quail. 
So  small  and  frail, 
Wiggles  his  tail. 
Is  none  of  your  affair. 

— the  latter  one  doesn't  make  much  sense,  but  then  neither 
does  mucli  of  the  poetry  written  after  the  manner  of  Ogden 
Nash,  or  for  tliat  matter,  that  written  by  Mr.  Nash  himself. 
At  any  rate  our  rosiest  dream  is  one  in  which  a  man 
hesitantly  approaches  us  and  takes  a  paper  out  of  his  pocket 
as  he  says — "My  friends  all  thought  this  was  good,  and 
so — ."  At  this  point  we  are  counting  quietly  to  ten,  for  as 
you  should  know,  that  remark  always  means  just  one  thing 
— that  the  stuff  will  be  lousy.  But  no,  we  read,  and  the 
page  has  on  it  no  less  than  ten  peers  to 

"A  Bronx?" 
"No  thonx." 

The  man  assures  us  that  he  has  reams  of  the  stuff  at  Jionic, 
and  tliat  if  we  would  want  it,  he'd  be  tickled  to  deatli  tfi 
bring  it  in.  We  always  see  him,  just  as  plainly,  coming 
in  the  door  with  his  arms  literally  loaded  with  copy,  the 
reams  of  it  be  talked  about. 
And  then  we  wake  up. 


Pi  Lambda  Pica 

An  alarming  situation  has  just  come  to  our  attention. 
It  is  one  which  bids  fair  to  menace  that  very  democracy 
which  Illinois  has  always  sought  to  instill  in  student  and 
faculty  alike.  If  allowed  to  go  unchanged  it  may  even 
thwart  the  purpose  for  which  a  certain  University  depart- 
ment was  organized. 

The  department  to  which  I  refer  is  none  other  than 
the  School  of  Journalism  with  its  deplorable  lack  of  jour- 
nalistic fraternities.  With  a  total  of  upwards  of  90  students 
enrolled  in  the  school  it  is  unpardonable  that  there  should 
only  be  11  journalistic  fraternities  in  which  an  energetic 
journalist  can  purchase  membership.  The  man  who  belongs 
to  four  or  five  isn't  trying  his  hardest  to  be  a  success. 

The  unspeakable  horror  of  the  whole  affair  is  this: 
There  may  be  some  neglected  individual  who  has  never  had 
a  chance  to  join  any  of  the  1 1  !  How  he  must  shudder  at 
the  infamy  of  it  all!  And  think  of  the  twelve  newsboys  who 
carry  the  Illini  day  after  day!  How  left  out  these  potential 
journalists  must  feel ! 

Pi  Lambda  Pica,  professional  journalistic  fraternity  for 
nondescript  journalists,  is  the  only  solution  we  know  of. 
Bids  and  keys  may  be  obtained  on  payment  of  $13.46. 

-^ S 

PET  PEEVES 

The  following  list  will  give  you  some  idea  of  the  little 
things  in  life  that  bring  thoughts  of  murder  and  mayhem 
to  the  average  college  man  or  woman.  Judge  them  not  too 
harshly. 

Listening  to  people  eat. 

People  who  are  never  sick  and  seldom  well. 

Rah-rah  boys. 

Rah-rah  girls. 

Baby  talk   (there  is  some  doubt  about  this). 

Crooked  seams  in  stockings   (on  females,  of  course). 

Ankle  sox — ditto. 

Exams. 


The  SIREN 


Tra\cl  Is  So  Broadening 

Just 
A    I't'ic  niiislratidiis 

Di.AR  Mamii;: 

This  is  a  picture  ot  the  Alhambra 
— it's  a  lot  like  the  Rialto.  onl\- 
awful  run  ilowii.  Am  luuing  n 
woiulertul   time.  — M.\i;. 

Dear  Joe: 

Oh  boy,  this  Paris  is  some  town.  I 
am  the  one  witli  the  hat  on.  \Visli 
you  were  here.  — Jim. 

Dk  \R  jiM  : 

I  certainly  fjot  a  kick  out  of  Queen 
Mary.  London  is  swell.  Did  you 
put  my  fur  coat  in  storage? 

—Mary. 
Dear  M.m.ma: 

Things     are     expensive     in     these 
Paris  stores.     You  can  do  better  at 
home.     .'\m  ha\ing  a  wonderful  time. 
^MlXNIE. 

Dear  Jack : 

The  one  under  the  coconut  tree  is 
me — isn't  that  the  nuts,  ha,  ha.     Re- 
member to  pay  my  lodge  dues.     Wish 
you  were  here.  — Fred. 
S 

"Are  you  graduating  this  year?" 

Hell,     No!     Three    more    Senior 
years  and   I   get  a  pension." 
S 

Then  there's  the  subway  conductor 
who  said  to  the  Scotchman,  "Ticket 
or  leave  it." 

S 

R.  O.  T.  C:  "My  girl  gave  me 
the  air  last  night." 

G.  A.  R.:     "What  for?" 

R.  O.  T.  C:  "I  gave  her  a 
Maxim  silencer  to  remember  me  bv. " 


He:  "I  love  you,  darling — you're 
the  first  girl  I  ever  kis.sed." 

She:  "Yeah,  same  oltl  Standard 
Oil." 


"A   pent   house,   my    son.     is    the 
height  of  scandal." 


l^lcjiN  in  a  l'iatcrnit> 
I  louse 

'Twas  midnight  in  the  club-house; 

Not  a  moron  was  in  sight 

I'or  all  of  the  "honorable  actives" 

Had  vanished  in  the  night. 

The  da\cnpoits  lay  empt\ — ■ 

The   chairs  were  skeletons; 

No  college  men  stood   round   about. 

Juggling  at  puns. 

The  piano  crouched  like  a  spider — 
In  the  gloom  of  darkened  hall; 

The    clock    ticked    o'er    the    iireplacc, 
.And  tossed  shadows  on  the  wall. 
Out     of    the     silence — there    came 
crash ! 


Shattering   glass   was   heard; 

.'\nd  the  thud  of  a  tor.so  to  the  t1nor. 

And  noises  very  wierd  ! 

Then  came  oaths,  and  deadl\  ones — 

"Jones — the    trouble   with    \ou 

Is  you're  locj  ildinncd  Ikihu  . 

Drinking  \()ur  (jwn  home-brew!" 


True  Story 

Once  upon  a  time  the  Reelsilk 
Hosiery  Company  blew  up,  and  five 
hundred  thousand  college  men 
starved  to  death  the  following  sum- 
mer." 


Don't  lock  up  the  barn  after  the 
horse  is  stolen,  make  a  Speakeasy  out 
of  it. 


Bon  Voyage 


Travel  Number 


Travel  Bound 


bv 


O  r  a  t  i  0    Alger 


Marco  Polo  and  his  brother  Water 
were  twins.  Marco  was  an  orphan, 
as  was  Water,  the  elder  of  the  two 
by  three  weeks.  Marco  died  when 
he  was  two  \cars  old,  much  to  the 
consternation  of  his  parents  wlio 
sailed  to  Siberia  in  a  huff.  With 
these  facts  as  a  background,  we  go 
on  with  the  story  in  four  minutes 
and  two  seconds  reading  time.  Notice 
circfully  and  you  shall  see  how- 
Water  works  his  way  from  the  or- 
phan asylum  to  the  kingdom  of 
Pencilvania  and  back  to  the  poor- 
house,  a  millionaire. 

The  sun  rose  one  day.  It  beat 
down  mercilessly  on  Water  Polo 
who  was  chained  to  the  pump  handle 
at  the  poor-house.  Bond  Boy,  they 
called  him,  that  is,  those  who  knew 
him  beta.  A  curh  headed  blond 
boy  with  blue  eyes,  he  made  quite  a 
picture  for  an  artist  to  paint,  against 
a  background  of  red  barns,  green 
pastures,  and  still  waters.  Day  after 
day  he  slaved  at  the  pump,  his  coal 
black  eyes  shouting  defiance  at  the 
world.  His  cruel  master  of  cerc- 
mom'es  never  failed  to  annoy  him  b\ 
flicking  a  whip  or  his  ashes  over  his 
head,  causing  the  smooth  black  locks 
to  tumble  to  his  shoulders,  thus  elim- 
inating sunburn.  At  least  Water 
schemed  in  his  mind  arid  plotted 
vengeance.  At  every  stroke  of  the 
pump  handle  he  allowed  water  to 
drip  on  the  lynx  of  his  chain.  How 
clever  he  was ;  what  a  storehouse 
of  potential  knowledge  must  lurch 
under  those  auburn  curls.  He  knew 
that  eventually  the  lynx  woidd  rust 
and  brake,  and  he  would  be  free.  His 
hazel  eyes  danced  at  the  thought. 

Two   vears   later,    we    find    Water 


at  the  frozen  North  under  the  as- 
sumed name  of  Ice.  He  had  battered 
his  weight  inch  by  inch,  tete-a-tete, 
built  an  ingloo,  and  seen  the  space 
on  the  bar-room  Haw.  His  wide  beard 
covered  his  identity  and  the  yellow 
gold  that  poured  from  his  pockets 
and  sealed  the  lips  of  the  woman 
known  as  Lewd.  Drawing  a  gun 
from  his  gunny  sack  he  plugged 
earnestly  at  Dangerous  Damn  Mc- 
Grew.  The  lights  went  out  with 
Damn  into  the  starry  knight.  A 
shout  went  up,  "Jiggers  the  cops." 
Into  the  light  strewed  a  burly  cop. 
"Hello,  Jiggers,"  said  Water  with  a 
smirch  on  his  pan  as  he  pasted  the 
floor  with  anxiety,  being  out  of  glue 
at  the  present.  "Well,  I'll  be  jig- 
gered," said  Jiggers,  scratching  his 
back  with  perplexity,  "If  it  isn't  my 
old  pal.  Water."  Armed  in  arm 
the  two  pals  galloped  into  the 
horizon. 

It  is  in  the  merry  month  of  May 
that  we  again  find  oim"  hero.  Water, 
basketing  on  the  first  national  banks 
of  the  Rhine.  He  lay  thinking  of 
new  adventures. 

Suddenly  there  swept  into  his  life 
a  swish  of  skirts.  Looking  up,  he  be- 
held a  charming  damsel.  With  a  new 
look-out  on  life,  he  jumped  to  his 
feed  and  paddled  away  on  his  busi- 
ness cycle.  Dashing  into  a  herd  of 
chattel  in  a  near-by  pasture  he  fought 
with  \im.  "Hello,  Vim,"  be- 
queatlied  he  with  all  sombreness  of 
mistaken  indemnity.  It  was  not 
Vim,  but  his  Buddy  Rogers  Art 
Gum.  Throwing  himself  on  Art's 
soldiers  he  snobbed  heavily.  "It's 
Ben,  a  long  time  sense  I  scene  you," 
said  Art.     "Ha\e  a  drink  with  me." 


"().  K.,"  comes  back  Watei-,  "I'll  dn 
it  for  Art's  sake."  The  damsel  rose 
in  wrath.  "M\-  how  charming  you 
look  in  wrath,  this  mourning," 
smacked  Art.  "What  a  friend," 
says  Water,  "I'll  stick,  by  Gum, 
through  thick  and  thine."  In  the 
dual  that  followed,  the  damsel  was 
victorious  and  seizing  a  broom  she 
swept  the  field  with  honors.  The 
two  boys  stood  downcast.  "We  never 
did  like  that  guy,  Honors,"  whaled 
they  in  unicorn,  "Though  the  damsel 
was  quite  a  gull." 

Then  came  Siberia.  Water  was 
at  his  whits  end.  It  was  only  the 
day  before  that  he  had  slipped  on  the 
steppes  of  the  castle  of  Prance 
Ferdinand.  With  mallets  in  his 
hart  he  proceeded  to  bunch  the 
Prance  on  the  nose,  thereby  causing 
a  frantic  revolution.  The  Frants 
were  fierce  fighters  and  it  was  hod 
work  to  keep  from  plushing  at  the 
coy  maidens  who  stood  second  hand. 
Water  gave  an  ardor  and  the  troops 
fell  back  just  as  he  had  guessed. 
Seizing  a  ream  of  paper,  he  dashed 
off  a  few  lines  and  returned  post- 
haste to  the  orphan  asylum. 

"See,"  he  cried,  "I  am  no  longer 
a  bond  boy,  but  an  insurance  sales- 
man." Smiling,  the  boy  dropped  in 
his  treks. 

S 

Six  Ways  to  Prepare  for  a  Final 

1.  Cram. 

2.  Crib. 

3.  Have  the  instructor  over  for 
a  meal. 

4.  Sec  the  show  the  night  before. 

5.  Sit  next  to  the  girl  who  is 
rating  an  A. 

6.  Studv. 


The  STRFN 


•f\EAK] 


Niaf«ara  Falls 

U'hdt  liny  ufiiild  say — 

Dorothy  Parker:     "I'll  take  vanilla." 
O.  O.  Mclntyre:     "Milkman's  paradise." 
Peggy  Hopkins-JoNCc:     "Men  may  conic  and  men   may 
go,  but  I  go  on  forever." 

Groucho  Marx:     "River  beds?    Ixnay." 
Will  Rogers:     "It  must  have  rained  here  last  week. 
Roger  Babson  :     "What  goes  up  must  come  down." 
Calvin   Coolidge:      "It   is   large.      It   is   vast.      It   is   the 
people's." 

Irving    Berlin:      "Just    a    cottage    small,    by    a    water- 
fall. .  .  ." 

Ben  Bernie:     "I  hope  I  like  it." 
Aimee  McPherson:     "Heavens!" 

Lloyd  Mayer:     "It  leaves  me  all  of  a  TWITTER,  I 
mean  IT  ACTUALLY  does." 

Jimmic  Walker:     "Water,  water,  everywhere,  and  not 
a  drop  to  drink!" 


Travel  is  so  broadening! 

S 


-S- 


VAC.ATION 

First  gangster:     "Where  ya  going?" 
Second  killer:     "To  de  commencement  exercises." 
First:     "What  fer?" 

Second:     "Oh,  just  to  take  a  day  off  to  practice  shootin' 
Phi  Betes  wit  my  pea-shooter." 

S 

One:     "What  are  you  guys  doing  this  summer?" 
Two:    "We  got  a  job  feeding  mules  on  a  mule  boat." 
One:    "How  asinine." 

S 

"What's  Bill  doing  these  days?" 

"Living   in   Russia   waiting   to   see   how    their    Five-year 
plan  is  going  to  work  out." 

S 

"Where  have  you  been?" 

"Dayton,  Ohio." 

"What  a  funny  name  for  a  girl!" 

S 


First    gangster:      "We    put    kasinsk\-    on    the    spot    last 
night." 

Second:     "Did  you  finish  him?" 

First:     "Yeh,  we  remo\ed  him  with  encrginc." 
S 

Life  without  humor  is  like   food   without  salt.      Moral: 
read  the  Siren  with  your  meals. 

S 

You  don't  draw  interest  unless  there  is  some  principle 
behind  it. 


How  to  Pick  a  Date 

In  the  Spring  a  senior's  fancy  turns  to  thoughts  of  his 
or  her  senior  ball  date.  Much  anguish  has  been  caused  in 
past  years  because  of  the  singular  lack  of  any  standard  of 
judgment  used  when  selecting  the  partner  on  this  momentu- 
ous  occasion. 

For  the  benefit  of  those  inisguided  genuises  whose  minds 
would  be  affected  by  the  overwhelming  task  of  having  to 
choose  between  many  claimants  to  the  honor,  a  rather  doubt- 
ful one  perhaps,  but  thanks  to  the  Ball  Committee  of  some 
worth  after  all — $3.50 — we  offer  the  following  plan  by 
which  all  mental  anguish  is  eliminated,  the  feelings  of  every- 
one soothed. 

Proceedure  one:  Rule  off  a  rather  large  sized  sheet  of 
paper,  making  a  number  of  columns  running  vertically  upon 
it.  At  the  head  of  each  of  these  columns  inscribe  the  fol 
lowing:  height,  weight,  complexion,  eyes,  hair,  features, 
dancing,  clothes,  personality,  wit-matching  proclivities,  (or 
lack  of  same  with  substitution  of  some  other  agreeable  ac- 
complishments), silent  acquiescense,  enthusiastic  co-opera- 
tion, car,  money,  kind  of  disposition,  and  last  X  which  will 
here  represent  the  unknown  quantity.  .  .  . 

Proceedure  two:  In  a  series  of  horizontal  columns  to 
the  left,  write  in  the  names  of  all  possible  candidates  for 
this,  as  heretofore  stated,  doubtful  honor.  Then  }ou  may 
proceed  to  check-strictly  on  a  scientific  basis — these  at- 
tributes listed  in  the  top  colunuis  at  which  the  candidate 
excels.  AAA  up  the  check  marks  in  the  right  hand  column, 
and  \()u  will  then  ha\e  arri\ed  at  the  logical  ball  date. 

The  result  of  this  amazing  discovery  will  be  that  you 
don't  w.int  to  be  logical  anyway,  and  will  probably  end  up 
with   a   blind   date. 


Travel  Number 


Beware  of  Animals  ! 


I  was  in  a  daze  as  I  crouclied  alone 
in  the  dim  light.  Not  a  sound 
pierced  the  air,  only  a  strained  silence 
enveloped  me  as  a  calm  before  a  tor- 
nado. Ghastly  shadows  paced  be- 
fore me,  grew  in  number  and  size: 
Gradually  I  could  make  them  out — 
lions !  A  cold  shiver  ran  down  my 
spine.  The  shadows  came  closer, 
and  I  could  almost  feel  their  hot 
breath  on  my  neck.  The  shadows 
took  enormous  proportions  and  I  dis- 
covered with  horror  that  the  lions 
were  not  alone — they  were  accom- 
panied by  elephants  and  panthers. 
Even  gorillas  w-ere  among  the  lot. 
Slowly  the  strange  crew  marched 
around  me  with  monotonuous  steps. 
Closer  and   closer  they  came,   faster 


and  faster  beat  my  pulse.  I  felt  as 
though  hell  itself  would  break  loose 
if  they  discovered  my  presence.  I 
could  feel  their  hungry  teeth  close 
over  my  soft  flesh,  could  hear  my 
bones  crunch  in  their  cruel  jaws,  my 
nerves  were  going,  my  head  swim- 
ming, the  beast  came  closer  and 
closer.  I  had  an  insane  desire  to 
laugh.  The  heat  was  oppressive  and 
stifling.  I  half  arose.  I  gave  a 
scream,  and  sank  to  the  ground  with 
the  queer  sound  of  pattering  foot- 
steps in  my  ears.  I  awoke  a  moment 
later,  wet  from  head  to  foot.  A  man 
in  a  gaudy  uniform  stood  'over  me 
with  an  empty  bucket. 

"That's  a  hell  of  way  to  act  at  a 
circus,  scaring  the  animals  half  to 
death." 


The  Doughnut  as  a  Whole 

The  first  doughnut  was  made  in 
Greece.  The  very  nature  of  the 
doughnut  must  suggest  to  you  the 
foreigness  of  its  disposition  and  the 
utter  romance  of  its  birth.  The 
doughnut  was  not  invented  by  a 
baker;  rather  was  it  first  perpetrated 
by  a  tailor,  the  greatest  in  Athens 
and  a  man  of  pressing  business. 

At  birth  he  had  been  christened 
Euripedes  H.  Panteleleo,  but  in  the 
vernacular  of  the  hoi  poloi  he  was 
simply  and  affectionately  dubbed 
Euripedes  Pants. 

It  seems  that  Euripedes  had  a 
hobby  of  collecting  holes  from 
peoples'  clothes.  Outwardly  this 
seems  an  entirely  harmless  pastime 
but  at  bottom  it  had  gravel  in  it. 

He  piled  all  of  the  holes  in  the 
backyard  and  one' day  the  pile  got 
pretty  deep,  causing  Euripides  to  fall 
down  when  he  was  least  expecting  it. 
That  brought  him  up  with  a  start. 
Recognizing  the  menace  such  holes 
held  for  the  half  blind  Greeks  of  the 
future,  he  began  cudgeling  his  brain 
for  a  solution.  In  spite  of  the 
cudgeling  he  came  to  the  conclusion 
that  the  only  safe  way  was  to  have 
people  eat  them. 

Without  hesitation,  he  gathered 
several  small  holes  of  different 
shapes,  laid  them  on  the  kitchen  table 
and  had  his  wife  wrap  a  bit  of  dough 
about  each  one.  As  he  walked  indif- 
ferently away  the  doughnuts  looked 
round.  From  that  day  to  this  dough- 
nuts have  continued  to  look  round. 

S 


"I  bought  this  hat  on  the  Canary 
Islands." 


"Well,   I'll   be  damned,"  said   the 
Panama  Canal  as  the  locks  closed. 


Eskimo  father:  "Where's  our 
daughter?"  I  haven't  seen  her  for  six 
months." 

Eskimo  mother:  "She  went  out 
on  a  date  last  night." 


10 


The  SIREN 


Husband,  in   backseat  quarrel: 
way  about  it!" 

Language  As  She  Is  Spoke 

One  of  the  two  could  speak  French 
very  well  indeed,  in  fact  he  was 
noted  for  the  way  he  could  speak 
French.  And  so  he  was  delegated  to 
do  the  talking  when  the  two  friends 
went  into  a  Parisian  sliop  to  buy  a 
hat. 

A  salesman  came  forward,  and  it 
was  carefully  explained  to  him  that 
a  hat  of  such  and  such  a  sort  and  of 
such  and  such  a  price  was  desired. 
The  salesman  listened  carefully,  and 
when  the  long  speech  was  at  an  end, 
shrvigged  his  shoulders  and  went  to 
the  back  of  the  shop  for  a  conference 
with  his  fellow  employees.  Another 
salesman  came  for%vard,  and  the 
problem  of  the  hat  was  very  patient- 
ly presented  to  him  in  seemingly 
faultless  French.  The  blank  look  on 
his  face  made  it  perfectly  obvious 
that  he  didn't  understand  a  word  of 
what  was  being  said. 


All   right  then   Mary,  have  your 


Tile  man  who  could  speak  French 
very  well  and  who  was  noted  for  it, 
was,  to  put  it  miliih,  a  little  annoyed. 

"Maybe  you  didn't  use  the  right 
word  for  hat,"  suggested  the  com- 
panion helpfully. 

"Was  it  a  hat  \ou  wanted,  sir?" 
asked  the  salesman. 

It  seems  that  it  was  an  English 
shop,  and  English  salesmen  were  em- 
ployed in  it. 

s 

The  new  principal  parts  ot  tlu' 
verb  "drink" — 

Drink — ilrank — drunk — expelled. 

S 


College — place  where  men  are  men 
and  forget  to  be  gentleman,  and 
sororitN   girls  don't  have  to  be  ladies. 

S 


Some  More  Vital  Statistics 

I.  i,^4(),S7')  seniors  will  be  let 
loose  upon  a  world  as  much  bewild- 
ered as  the\  are — the  depression  will 
get  worse. 

2.  546,673  of  the  above  will  explain 
that  if  it  weren't  for  the  depression, 
they  would  be  getting  cars  this  year. 

v  Of  the  275.000  fraternity  pins 
gi\en  out  tiuring  the  months  of  May 
and  June,  due  to  the  peculiar  effects 
of  the  weather,  200,000  will  return 
to  their  original  owners  during  the 
months  of  July  and  August. 

4.  Of  the  promises  made  by  out- 
going seniors  to  return  to  school  next 
year  to  see  their  best  beloveds,  99  per 
cent  will  be  broken. 

5.  Two  days  before  graduation 
men  will  be  rushing  around  frantical- 
ly trying  to  find  presents  for  their 
girls  for  graduation,  and  the  girls 
will  be  wondering  what  they  are 
going  to  get. 

6.  Xext  year's  staff  will  be  try- 
ing to  write  this  kind  of  stuff. 

7.  What  does  it  all  matter  any- 
way ? 

S 


Honesty   is   the   best   policy,    if   the 
hooks  have  to  be  auilited. 


"When  I  was  in  China,  I  saw 
them  hang  a  girl." 

"Shanghai  ?" 

"Hell,  yes!  Six  feet  off  the 
ground  !" 

S ■ 

"Gee,  Em  glad  I  wasn't  born  in 
Germany!" 

"Why?" 

"I  can't  speak  German." 
S 

"Papa,  give  me  a  nickel,  here  come 
the   ice  cream   Cohens!" 

S 

"I   didn't  know  he  was  a  hunter." 

"He   isn't.      I   mereh'  said   that  he 
he  was  a  gunner.  You  know  the  kind 
that    always   says,    'How   much     you 
gunner    lend    me    tonight?' 
S 

She:  "I  bought  a  new  dress  today 
with  snaps  on  it  so  we  won't  be  late 
to  the  opera  anymore." 

He:  "Well,  snap  into  it,  we're 
late  now." 


Travel  Nitwher 


Oris 

Tlie  nice  olil  lady  who  hail  taken 
to  traveling  at  a  rathei'  aihanceil  ajje 
sat  back  in  her  deck  chair  and 
watched  the  skyline  take  from.  As 
a  ship's  ofticer  approached  she  called 
to  him. 

"Officer,  what's  that  over  there?" 

"Greece,  Madame,"  he  answered, 
and   passed  on. 

The  old  lady  looked  a  bit  grim, 
but  she  said  nothing  and  bided  her 
time  until  another  officer  strolled  by. 

"Officer  what  is  that  over  there," 


pointing  a  finger  in  the  direction  of 
the  horizon,  "And  don't  tell  me  its 
grease,   for  I   know  better." 

S 

(nrl  stalling  for  time:  "And  what 
would  \ou  do  if  I  were  to  refuse 
your  proposal  ?" 

Absent  niindeil  lawyer:  "Ask  for 
a  change  of  venue  on  grouiuls  that 
the   court   was   prejudiced." 

S 

The  person  wlio  loses  his  head 
easilv  hasn't  much  to  lose  anvwav. 


FAMOUS  HES 

Low  down  — el. 
Ancient — story. 
— man. 
— brew. 
— cough. 
— and  she. 
Steam  — at. 

S 


Proud    undergrad :      "And    this    is 
our  college  humor  magazine." 

Rored  visitor:     "That's  no  joke." 


^•i,. 
%~^: 


Lovesick:  "I  fell  for  her  at  first 
sight.  She  wasn't  beautiful  but  she 
was  attractive,  and  how  proud  I  was. 
She  never  wanted  expensive — ." 

Practical,  unsympathetically :  "I 
understand.  I  felt  that  way  about 
the  first  auto  I  bought  too." 


-S- 


Once  upon  a  time  there  were  two 
cats.  Well,  maybe  there  were  more 
than  two  cats,  but  two  cats  are 
enough  to  start  an\'  story,  in  fact, 
two  cats  are  enough  to  start  a  menag- 
erie. 

S 


"Copy!"  yelled  the  editor,  and  im- 
iiediately  ten  members  of  the  stall 
lid  just  that. 


"I  hear  that  the  Gamma  Phis  ha\e 
a  girl  from  Austria." 

"Yeah,  but  she  has  Hungary 
ideas." 


First:     "Smith  is  my  name." 
Second:      "Mine      is      Michaelienki- 
wiecky.  " 

First:      "That's  more  than   I   can 
say  for  you." 

-S 


".-\nd  to  think  we  usta  do  this  for  nothin4! 


"Are    you   selling   aluminum    ware 
this  summer?" 

"No.    I  got  a  job  at  a  girl's  camp." 
"Oh,  crockery." 


12 


The  SIREN 


How  to  Start  a  University 

1.  ll;i\i-  as  many  ficshmcii  as 
possible  so  the  campus  may  be  deco- 
rateil  uitli  the  requisite  number  of 
spots. 

2.  Have  a  minimum  niunber  of 
upperclassmen — just  eriouj;!)  to  run 
politics. 

3.  Have  enough  alums  to  tell  you 
how  the  good  ole  Alma  Mater  was 
run  in  the  good  ole  days. 

4.  Have  a  great  many  8  o'clocks 
and  Saturday  classes  in  all  prescribed 
courses. 

5.  Have  a  logic  course  that 
everyone  flunks  and  a  library  science 
course  that  was  a  pipe  two  years  ago. 

6.  Have  some  fellows — to  pro- 
vide college  atmosphere. 

8.  Have  a  football  team  and  a 
stadium — $$$$$$$. 


1  lie   dumbest   guy   in   the   world   is 
the   one   who   thinks     backward     be- 
cause his  brain  is  upset. 
— or  the  one  who  thinks  that  a  boy- 
cott is  a  small  davenport. 
— or  the  one  who  thinks  Mater  Horn 
is   Trader    Horn's   mother. 
— or  the  one  who  thinks   Necken   is 
the  name  of  a  Swedish  God. 
— or  the  one  who  thinks  that   Rudy 
Vallee  can  sing. 


To  be  or  not  to  be  that 
finitive. 


A   fiuiny  creature 
Is  the  snail. 
He  walks  along 
On   his  tail. 


Desperate 

A  shy  young  man  who  asked  what 
were  suitable  topics  for  conversation 
with  his  girl,  was  told  to  talk  about 
her  family,  love,  or  philosophy.  On 
being  left  alone  with  the  girl  this  is 
what  happened. 

He:     "Have  you  a  brother?" 

She:     "No." 

He:     "Do  you  love  pig's  feet?" 

She:     "Xo." 

He:  "Well,  if  you  had  a  brother 
do  you  suppose  that  you  would  love 
pig's  feet?" 


The  ostrich  is 
A  silly  thing; 
But  plenta-da-mon 
His   feathers  bring. 


How  to  make  a  cigarette  lighter — 
take  out  the  tobacco. 


Speaking  of  relativity,  if  Einstein 
can  solve  the  mothers-in-law  problem 
he  will  have  rendered  a  real  service 
to  humanity. 

S 


He 

She 


'Want  to  go  for  a  ride?" 
"No,  I'm  too  tired." 


First     st\ident:     "What      is 
meaning  of  "Dispark?'" 

Second  student:     "Move  on  I 


These  here  scientists  aint  so  hot. 
In  fact  they  are  nutty.  Can  you  im- 
agine they  says  that  a  man  has 
evaluted  from  a  monkey,  and  now  is 
the  highest  form  of  animule ;  but 
hell,  we  aint  evaluted,  we  have  de- 
luted  1 

If  you  think  you're  so  hot,  look 
at  the  kangaroo,  he  sits  down  when 
he  runs.  And  then  take  the  snake, 
he  lays  down  when  he  runs.  We 
aint   evaluted,    we've   deluted. 


Two  pints  make  one  cavort. 


'My  Gawd,  Min,  your  neck's  dirty!" 


Travel  Number 


13 


In  Praise  of  Weather 

Instead    of   the   poor,    make   it    the 
weather   we    have    always    with    us. 
And  be  thankful  for  it.     Imagine  the 
profound   silence    that    would    exist 
when  two  not-so-smart  humans  were 
together  if  they  had   no  weather   to 
talk    about!      Imagine   meeting   your 
bitterest  enemy  at  a  banquet,  and  not 
being  able   to   ask   him   if   it   is  cold 
enough    for    him!      What    could    be 
worse  when  writing  a  bread  and  but- 
ter letter  than   being  unable  to  com- 
ment  upon   the    delightful    sunshine 
your   hostess    had    ordered     for    the 
week-end?     What  would  lovers  talk 
about    in    front   of   others?        What 
would  the  baseball  season  be  without 
rain  checks,  or  football  without  rain 
to    upset    the     dope?      And     coming 
down  to  business,  what  would  news- 
paper  do    if   an    occasional    tornado, 
hailstorm    or    cyclone     didn't    come 
along  to  liven  up  dull  times?  That's 
a  good  question — you  answer  it. 


Prisoner  in  his  cell  as  the  Governor 
passes  by:     "Oh,  pardon  me!" 


You  never  can  tell  about  a  lady's 
morals,  in  fact,  you  shouldn't. 


High  Hat:  "I  hate  people  who  like 
puns!" 

Sweet  Thing:  "Yes,  they  arc  so 
plebian  when  one  can  have  toast." 

S 

Co-ed      (at     the    prom):     "Mary 

bears  herself  well,  don't  you  think?" 

Joe      Collitch:      "Yeah!       That's 

just  what  I   was  thinking  when  she 

walked  through  the  flood  light!" 

S 

What's  this  about  the  only  en- 
trance requirement  at  Alabama  being 
flunking  out  of  two  other  schools. 

S 

H.  S.  Flash:  "Say,  I  hear  Illinois 
is  awfully  lax  about  drinking." 

Collegiate:  "Lax,  hell;  at  Uni- 
versity dances  they  even  give  you  a 
pass  out  check. 

S 

"My,  she  certainly  looks  natural  in 
that  dress!" 


One  of  the  greatest  services  of  the 
radio  was  to  make  the  American 
people  pink-tooth-brush  conscious. 


Famous  last  lines  (yeah,  and  it's 
a  swell  one  too)  :  "Aw,  just  one,  he 
won't  care." 


■  r  'O 


'.And  never  daiken  my  door  asaiii:" 

S 

Ode  By  a  Flop 

I'm  just  a  freshman 

Dumb  as  hell. 
No  nice  boys  for  me 
Ever  fell. 
Cuz  I'm  just  a   freshman 

Dumb  as  hell. 


And  as  the  co-ed  said  to  the  yokel 
sitting  in  front  of  the  pool  hall  as 
she  passed,  "Big  boy,  you  don't  need 
to  expectorate  me!" 


Very  Drunk:  "Shay  I  gotsh  a 
purpush  fer  goin'  with  you." 

Likewise  Date:  "What,  one  of 
them  li'l  fishes  thash  always  jumpin' 
out  of  the  water?" 


Three  belles  by  the  ship's  clock. 


Fame  is  a  funny  thing — there  is 
the  football  hero,  and  the  man  who 
drew  the  cartoon  that  got  the  maga- 
zine suppressed. 

S 

Doctor:  "You  have  acute  lum- 
bago." 

She:     "Sir!" 

S 

Geometry  for  hitch-hikers  —  the 
shortest  distance  between  two  points 
is  a  good  line. 


14 


IHH  VICIOUS  CIRCLE 

This  is  the  housf  that  the  Alpha 
Alphs  built. 

These  are  the  brothers  looking  tor 
others  to  li\e  in  the  house  that  the 
Alpha  Alphs  built. 

Here  comes  the  pledges,  green 
round  the  edges,  who  want  to  be 
brothers  to  live  in  the  house  that  the 
.Mpha  Alphs  built. 

There  goes  the  whack  ot  the 
paddles'  loud  smack  on  the  pledges 
that  want  to  be  brothers  ot  those 
who  li\e  ill  the  house  that  the  .'\lpha 
Alphs  built. 

Yonder  goes  the  ilough  that  the 
pledges  did  blow  after  whacked  by 
the  smack  of  the  paddle  below,  so 
they  might  become  brothers  of  those 
who  live  in  the  bouse  that  the  Alpha 
Alphs  built. 

Them  are  the  initiates,  all  battered 
and  torn,  who  have  of  their  dough 
already  been  shorn,  and  now  wear  a 
badge  and  swig  the  best  corn  as 
brothers  of  those  who  live  in  the 
house  that  the  Alpha  Alphs  biult. 

This  is  the  house  that  the  Alpha 
Alphs  built,  etc.,  etc.,  etc. 

—  Jcxtis  Loiu/lioni. 


Editor:  "What  would  you  say  if 
I  were  to  offer  you  two  thousand 
dollars  for  this  last  story  of  yours?" 

Struggling  author:     "I   would  say 
that   was   two   grand    for  words." 
— Ohio  Sun  Dial. 


Stude  (after  an  auto  collision  with 
a  truck):  "Well,  all  I  can  say  is 
that  I'm  sorry." 

Truck  driver:  "Oh,  is  that  ah 
you  can  say?" 

Stude:     "Yeah." 

Truck  driver:  "Well,  listen  to 
me."  — Texas  Longhoni. 

S 


"Hone),'  he  said,  "I'm  going  to 
be  a  big  man  on  this  campus  next 
year." 

"Honestly?"  she  said  sweetly. 

"What  difference  does  that  make?" 
said  he.  — Ohio  Sun  Dial. 


From  an  insignilicant  >ecoiul-hand 
clothing  merchant  to  the  fouuiler  ol 
the  Isaac  Rosenbuig  Co.  h.ul  lisen 
the  aspiring  Hebrew.  Si)ciet\  was 
his  next  objective,  ;in(i  it  was  to  iiis 
utmost  jo\'  to  recei\e  a  note  wiiicii 
read:  ".Mrs.  Hubert  Mennington- 
Sedgewick  requests  the  pleasure  of 
Isaac  Rosenberg's  compain  at 
dinner."  So  Isaac  chartered  a  bus 
to  carry  his  employees  to  the  home 
of  Mrs.  Hennington-Seilgewick  foi 
the  free  meal. 

— //  isrnnsin    Oilupu^. 


.\n  example  of  a  li\ely  discussion 
at  a  Jewish  club  would  be  one  where 
all  hands  join  in. 

— Ohio   Sun    Diiil. 

S 

The  moose  ? 
Now  that  you  ask, 
I  wouldn't  choose 
To  be  a  moose — 
His  horns  look 
Much  too  loose. 

—  Yale  Reeord. 


"How  would  you  desciibe  a  black- 
jack?" 

"Oh,  as  a  stunning  cieation.  " 

— Notre  Dame  J ut/yler. 


The  SIREN 


Help  Wanted ! 
Dear  Sir,  (or  Sirs)  : 

As  an  applicant  for  vom-  position 
as  foreign  correspondent  for  the 
Hurley-Hurley  Steamship  Lines,  1 
would  like  to  introduce  myself  i  am 
a  man  who  speaks  beaucoups  dcs 
langucs  as  you  can  sec  from  the 
snappy  frcnch  quotation  i  am  a  past 
master  of  the  french  language  being 
well  acquainted  with  all  the  funny 
constructions  that  you  will  find  there 
etc  etc  the  truth  of  the  matter  is  that 
my  old  man  .  .  .  oops  .  .  .  i  mean  my 
fathei-  used  to  be  quite  a  linguist  him- 
self of  couisc  i  cant  say  that  for  him 
now  as  he  became  dumb  a  few  years 
back  but  you  can  see  by  what  i  say 
that  it  sort  of  runs  in  the  famih'. 

Ill  gcrman  i  can  say  spreckens  \ 
deutch  and  other  expressions,  then 
in  Spanish  i  am  again  a  past  mastei' 
as  i  can  say  quien  sabe.and  sabe  usted 
etc  etc  i  might  also  say  again  that  i 
speak  french  too  and  see  theres  no 
use  in  hiring  other  people  for  this 
job  as  i  am  the  anmay  for  the  osition- 
pa>'  ours\'a\'  ulytray 

Harr\'  (^ms 
— (,'alifoniiti  Peliean. 

S 

(^ne  woid  definition  of  a  beauty 
expert:      Pan   handler. 

— Cornell   Hidou\ 


This  soup  isn't  sn  hot,  chief." 
Then  throw  in  another  co-ed." 


Travel  Number 


T^  PIGAL 

The  fraters  were  having  a  \-er\- 
,oIemn  meeting.  Suddenly  a  knock 
was  heard  on  the  door,  and  a  timid 
young  pledge  entered. 

"Can  I  have  a  glass  of  water,  sir?" 
he  asked  nervously. 

"Go  ahead,  take  one,"  called  an 
active,  quite  annoyed. 

Soon  the  pledge  returned  and  re- 
quested another  glass  of  water. 

"Take  it  and  get  out,  damn  it," 
they  growled. 

Once  again  he  returned.  "Another 
glass,  please." 

"Go  ahead,  go  ahead,"  was  the 
sarcastically  sweet  tone. 

He  was  back. 

"May   I—" 

"Say,  what  the  hell — "  they  ex- 
ploded, "you  sure  got  a  lousy  thirst, 
eh?" 

"Not   at   all,   sir,"   said   the   pledge 
timidly,    "but    the    house    is    on    fir'e, 
sir."  — Nortlitccitcr'ii   Purple  P/inot. 
S 

Pretty  nurse:  "Oh,  Doctor!  Eacli 
time  I  take  this  person's  p\dse  it  beats 
faster  and  faster.  What  shovdd  I 
do?" 

Doctor:     "Blindfold   him." 

— No/re  Daiiic  J u(j</lcr. 

S 

He:  "I  have  a  job  as  a  plant  man- 
ager when  I  graduate." 

She:     "Doing  what?" 
He:     "Watering  the  Hower  beds." 
S 


She  had  been  parked  beside  a  fire 
hydrant  for  three  hours.  As  she  un- 
locked the  car  and  got  in,  a  cop  who 
had  been  waiting  for  the  culprit  to 
show  up  sauntered  over,  stuck  his 
head  in  the  window  and  remarked 
very  kindly : 

"I've  been  waiting  a  long  time  to 
see  you,  lady.     What's  your  name?" 

She  smiled  her  sweetest  and,  as  she 
put  her  foot  on  the  starter,  replied  : 

"It  wouldn't  do  you  any  good  if  I 
told  you.  You  look  like  a  nice  boy, 
but  my  husband  is  about  twice  your 
size  and  vcr\'  jealous."     — Puppet. 

S 


"Africa  sure  is  a  strange  countr\'." 
"How  come?" 

"In  other  countries  wool  grows  on 
sheep,  but  in  the  Dark  Continent  it 
grows  on  beans."     — Pitt  Panther. 

S 

The  otter 

Likes 

His  weather 

Hotter. 

— )  (lie  Rceord. 


Anthra:      "Darling,    I'd    leave   my 
wife  and  seven  babies  for  you." 

Cite:     "(^h,  but  think  how  those 
eight  women  would  miss  you." 

— OkhihoiiKi    Ji/f/iervtiter. 
S 

"Pa,   what   is   a   joke?"  • 

"Shet    up!    don't   you   know   more 
than  to  criticize  the  government?" 
— Drexcrd. 


"l!ul  .liihn,  «(•  haven't  riKiiiuli  inoiiey 
111  pay  the  prcaclicr  liir  t,\iin;  llic  liiiot. 

"Well,  we  niii;ht  use  (ine  iif  m.>  heart- 
strings." 


"The  rest  of  the  world,"  says  a 
foreign  critic,  "thinks  that  America 
is  run  by  gangsters."  .  .  .  and  that 
just  about  makes  it  unanimous. 

— Colgate  Banter. 

S 

"Now  there's  a  place  where  every- 
one makes  his  numerals." 
"Where's  that?" 
"Sing-Sing." 

— Notre  Dame  Jui/ijler. 

S 

"Unmarried  ?" 
"Several  times.'" 

— loica  Green  Gander. 


"Oh  Cieorne,   I   I'lU'sot   to  put   the  pan 
under  the  ice-box!" 


RELIABLE  LINES 

"I've  never  met  a  girl  like  you  be- 
fore !" 

"Your  eyes  remind  me  of  two 
glowing  stars." 

"It's  so  easy  to  pay  a  girl  compli- 
ments when  everything  nice  a  fellow 
can  say  is  true.  " 

Don't  let  your  lips  get  too  near 
mine — I'm  only  human  \ou  know." 

"I  used  to  dream  there  was  a  girl 
like  you  somewhere,  but  I  never 
thought  I'd   really  find  her." 

"Your  voice  is  as  soft   music." 

"You  wonderful,  wonderful  girl!" 
—  Texas  Battalion. 


"The  only  way  to  get  the  most  out 
of  life  is  to  fall  in  love  with  a  great 
problem  or  a  beautiful  woman." 

"Why  not  do  the  latter,  and  get 
both?"  — Texas  Lont/liorn. 


Chaperone  at   freshman   reception: 
Would  you  like  to  dance  with  me? 

Hashful   plebe:      No,  but  I'll  hold 
you    while   yovi   dance. 

— Carnetjie  Teeli.  Puppet. 


16 


r//<' SIREN 


Rriitc! 

A  friend  of  ours  came  into  the 
office  recently,  looking  slightly  per- 
plexed. It  seems  that  her  bf.,  of 
whom  we've  heard  a  great  deal,  is  a 
man    among    men.  (And    such    a 

man!)  HowcNcr,  liis  tcndenc)'  to  be 
frank  pro\cd  a  bit  disconcerting 
when  he  sent  her  the  following  love 
pome : 

TRL  Til 

Each 

Night   I   sit 

Alone    and    ilream    of    you; 
Co-eds 

Try  to  tempt 
Me  .  .  .  still   I'm  true. 
Lite,   without   you, 
Is  empt\,   futile,  blue; 
So. 
Each 

Night  I  sit 

Alone   and   dream  of   you. 
Yes,  my  dear. 
Like— I  do! 
.   .   .   About  which  our  only  com- 
ment is  a  hearty  "Amen!" 

— Boston  Bean  Pot. 

S 

The  small  boat  gradually  ap- 
proached the  lonely,  desert  island. 
Anxiously  the  four  sea-men  scanned 
the  shores  until  a  solitary  figure  be- 
came visible  on  the  sands.  With  in- 
creased inspiration  they  propelled  the 
craft  towards  the  immobile  figure 
and  soon  clambered  out  to  greet  him. 
"We  saw  your  distress  signal  from 
our  ship,"  cried  their  spokesman  to 
the  strange  inhabitant  of  the  tiny 
island,  "we  are  from  the  S.  S.  Halc- 
\on.  bound  for  Santiago.  You  are 
a  survivor  from  some  ship-wreck?" 

"Yes,"  nodded  the  figure,  "two 
years  ago  five  companions  and  I,  the 
sole  survivors  of  the  wreck  of  the 
Narcissus,  reached  this  island  after 
days  of  drifting." 

"And  where  are  your  com- 
panions?" 

"Dead,  all  dead!" 
"Dead?    Why  what  happened?" 
"Died   of  starvation — there  is  not 
a  particle  of  food  to  be  obtained  on 
this  island." 


"Hut  you!  How  did  you — Ah,  I 
see  now.  ^'ou  drew  lots  to  sustain 
yourseLes  on  the  bodies  of  the  losers, 
and  so  you  have  been  keeping  up 
your  ghastly  feasts  to  this  day — !" 

"Not  at  all,"  spoke  the  sur\i\()r 
gently.  "1  burieil  them  all.  complete 
and  whole,  behind  yonder  tree." 

"A  likely  story,"  cried  the  sea-man. 
"how  then  have  you  managed  to  li\e 
for  two  years  without  food  while  all 
your  coinpanions  have  perished  ?" 

The  survivor  smiled  quietly.  "No 
mystery  about  it  at  all,  gentlemen ; 
you  see,  of  all  my  comrades  I  alone 
had  the  good  fortune  to  have  lived 
for  four  years  in  a  fraternity  house. 
By  the  way,  could  you  by  any  chance 
spare  a  ham  sandwich?" 

— Nortlni'cstcrn  Purl<lc  Parrot. 
S 

"What  did  you  think  of  the  show 
we  saw  at  Jolict  prison?" 
"It  was  a  riot." 

— Pcnn.   State  Froth. 

S 

Senior:  "Listen  Frosh,  we  Seniors 
are  men  of  a  few  words,  when  we 
wiggle  our  finger  like  this,  it  means 
come!" 

Frosh:  "Suits  me.  I  ain't  usin' 
inany  myself.  When  I  shake  my 
head  like  this,  it  means  I  ain't 
comin'."  — Ohio  Sun  Dial. 

S 

Our   idea   of   the   perfect   yes-man 
is  one  who  agrees  when  the  boss  tells 
him  his  salary  should  be  reduced. 
■ — Washington   U.  Dirge. 

S^ 

Visitor:     And   what's  your  name, 
my  good  man  ? 
Prisoner:     9,742. 

Visitor:     Is  that  your  real   name? 
Prisoner:     Naw.  dat's  just  me  pen 
name.  — lona  Frivol. 

S 

"I've  heard  there  are  thousands 
out  of  work  in  this  town." 

"Rut  remember,  madam,  this  is  a 
college  town.'' 

— Notre  Dame  J iiygler. 

S 

He:     "I   feel  like  a  glass  of  beer." 
Second   He:     "I   wish  you  were." 


"(iee,   I   didn't    know   tlu'v   could   pile 
dirt    that    lii.nh." 


A  young  man  who  was  studying 
for  the  ministry  went  to  a  small  town 
to  preach  a  sermon.  When  he  re- 
turned to  the  seminary  his  prof  asked 
him  how  he  made  out.  "Well,"  he 
said,  "the  congregation  was  moved, 
soothed  and  contented." 

"That's  fine,"  replied  his  prof, 
"but  how  do  you  know  that  they 
were  moved,  soothed  and  contented?" 
"Well  you  see  when  I  started  the 
sermon  half  the  congregation  walked 
out  so  I  figured  that  they  were 
moved,  and  the  rest  fell  asleep  so  I 
figured  that  they  were  soothed,  then 
they  didn't  invite  me  back  so  I 
figured  they  were  contented,"  replied 
the  student. 

— Carnegie    Teeh.   Puppet. 

S 

"They  say  the  new  minister  is  \ery 
paiticular." 

"Particular!  He  e\en  has  bow- 
legged  ushers  to  match  the  (jothic 
architecture.  — Broun  Jug. 

S 

"Shay,"  said  he  to  the  wax  clothes 
model,  "it's  \our  kinds  of  women 
that  makesh  unhappy  marriages." 

— Sun  Dial. 

S 

Prohibition  man:  What  are  those 
c<ises  doing  in  \nur  cellar? 

Lawyer:     That's   my   home  work. 
— Colgate  Banter. 


Travel  Number 


17 


Wrong  Number 

Recently  we  just  heard  the  latest 
in  mistaken-phone-number  stories.  A 
friend  of  ours  called  up  what  she  be- 
lieved to  be  the  correct  number,  and 
asked  for  Frank  Jones.  A  gruff  voice 
answered:  "Frank  Jones?  What's 
he  look  like?" 

Our  friend  was  a  bit  surprised. 
"He  has  dark  hair;  he's  about  six 
feet  tall,  and  he's  about  twenty-two 
years  old."  She  went  on  to  give 
as  adequate  a  picture  as  possible  of 
Mr.  Jones,  when  she  was  rudely  in- 
terrupted. 

"Aw,  hell,  we  can't  go  lookin'  all 
over.  You'll  have  to  come  down 
here  and  pick  him  out  yourself."  It 
seems  it  was  the  morgue. 

— Princeton    Tiger. 
S 

Clerk  (showing  customer  golf 
stocking:  "Wonderful  value,  sir. 
Worth  double  the  money.  Latest 
pattern,  fast  color,  holeproof,  won't 
shrink,  and  it's  a  good  yarn." 

Customer:  "Yes,  and  very  well 
told."  — Colorado  Dodo. 


Rastus  (after  a  narrow  escape  at 
a  railroad  crossing)  :  "Quit  blowin' 
yo'  horn ;  dat  don't  do  no  good." 

Mose:  "Dat  wa'nt  mah  horn  you 
heard,  nigger;  dat  was  Gabriel's 
horn."  — Colorado  Dodo. 

S 

Song  of  the  installment  buyer: 
"Yours  and   Mine." 

—  Texas  Lonyhorn. 
S 


"I  want  you  to  understand,"  said 
Young  Spender,  "that  I  got  my 
money  by  hard  work." 

"Why,  I  thought  it  was  left  to  you 
by  your  rich  uncle!" 

"So  it  was;  but  I  had  to  work  to 
get  it  away  from  the  lawyers." 

— Carnegie    Tech.   Puppet. 
S 

Oscar  says  he   writes  home   every 
week  whether  he  needs  the  money  or 
not.          — Minnesota  Ski-U-AIah. 
S 

Confession  is  as  good  for  the  soul 
as  it  is  bad   for  the  reputation. 


I  had  just  been  pledged.  Joy 
reigned  in  my  soul  as  I  went  to  bed 
that  night  in  the  Sigma  Nu  house 
for  the  first  time. 

The  next  morning  I  awoke — 
supremely  happy.  And  appropriately 
enough  it  was  a  glorious  day.  There 
were  long  grasses  swaying  in  the 
breeze.  Gentle  trees  curved  grace- 
fully upwards  and  beamed  to  me 
below.  Pretty  flowers  dotted  the 
surroundings  here  and  there.  A  riot 
of  striking  colors  greeted  my  joyous 
eye.  Above  me  were  pairs  of  love 
birds  fluttering  about  their  quaint 
nests.     A  glorious  paradise! 

"Wonderful,"   thought   I    as   I    la\ 
contentedly  in  my  bed,  "never  have  I 
seen  such  wonderful  wall-paper." 
— Northwestern  Purple  Parrot. 


Hail  to  the  wren  ! 
She'll   come  again, 
But  God  knows  when, 
And  I  don't  care. 

— Yale  Record. 


Hail,  fair  snail ! 

No  whale 

Can  build  a  house  like  yours. 

He  isn't  made  that  way, 

O  snail, 

So,   Hail !  — Yale  Record. 


The  College  Men's  Credo 

They  believe  that  if  they  wear 
their  own  clothes,  they  may  get  into 
an  automobile  accident. 

They  believe  that  if  they  stiuh' 
hard,  they  will  have  a  nervous  break- 
down. 

They  believe  that  if  they  use  their 
own  razor  blades,  they  will  cut  them- 
selves. 

They  believe  that  if  they  take  a 
girl   out,   they  must  neck  her. 

They  believe  that  if  they  hawii't  a 
roadster,  they're  out  of  luck  with  the 
babes — they're  right. 

— Northivcstern  Purple  Parrot. 

s 

"For  the  last  time,"  shouted  the 
sergeant,  "I  ask  you  the  simple 
question,  "What  is  fortification?" 

The  recruits  stood  fast  to  a  man. 
No  one  answered.  Striding  up  to 
the  most  intelligent  looking  man,  the 
N.  C.  O.  bawled  out:  "Tell  me, 
what  is  a  fortification." 

The  answer  came  like  a  cork  out 
of  a  bottle. 

"Two  twentifications,  sergeant." 
— Cariieigic   Tech.  Puppet. 

S 


Ed:      "How  was  your  date   with 
the  professor  last  night  ?',' 

Co-ed:     "Oh,  just  passable." 

— .Minnesota   Shi-lf-i\Itih. 


■&!."»»/ 


English  Prof's  family — any  day. 


r/;r  SIREN    , 


Coining  Distractions  •  •  • 


We  have  been  gi\eii  a  limiteil 
amount  of  space  in  which  to  tell  you 
about  the  best  pictures  until  you  will 
be  leaving  for  home,  Mother,  the 
family  car,  good  food  ;  in  fact,  in  a 
few  words,  VACATION!  Sn  hvw 
in  this  page  we  shall  select  oiilv  one 
IMCture  from  each  thcatic,  ;\im]  hope 
that  you  will  find  time  to  eiijo) 
them  during  intensive  study  for 
exams. 

The  Rialto  is  going  to  present, 
for  your  approval,  "Sevengali."  As 
you  may  know  John  Barrymore  plays 
the  lead.  Naturally,  the  picture  has 
received  the  best  of  criticisms.  Mae 
Tinee  says,  "IN  SEVENGALI, 
WE  FIND  JOHN  HARRY- 
MORE  AT  HIS  BEST."  That  we 
believe  is  saying  plenty! 

"Sevengali"  is  taken  from  Dii 
Maurier's  book  "Trilby."  It  gi\cs 
Barrymore  a  chance  to  play  the  sin- 
ister but  Iqvable  character  of  the 
much-bearded  Sevengali  who  hyp- 
notizes Trilby  while  she  sings.  You 
probably  know  the  story,  and  we 
know  that  you  will  enjoy  the  show  ; 
so  why  say  more? 

R.  K.  O.  Virginia  will  bring 
"Seed"  as  the  best  picture  to  their 
theatre.  John  Boles  stars  in  this 
talkie  portrayal  of  the  book  by  the 
same  written  by  Charles  (7.  Norris. 
It  proves  to  be  a  most  unusual 
picture,  bringing  out  the  life  of  an 
entire  family  through  several  genera- 
tions. 

The  picture  follows  the  book  very 
closely,  and  if  you  follow  current 
fiction,  you  know  that  "Seed"  has 
been  a  most  talked  of  book.  The 
picture  itself  is  well  photographed, 
the  dialogue  is  good,  the  acting  is 
better  than  usual. 

All   in   all,   you   will    not   only   like 


this  show,  but  \ou  will  not  forget  it 
in  some  time  to  come.  \  a'  better 
see  it! 

R.  K.  ().  Orpheum— Would  vou 
like  to  see  Ramon  Naxarro  with  a 
moustache?  He  has  one  such  tickler 
in  his  new  picture  "Daybreak."  He 
plays  the  part  of  a  yoiuig  Austrian 
officer  who  is  betrothed  to  a  rich 
girl  much  to  his  own  discomliture. 
He  falls  in  love  with  a  beautiful  (she 
IS    beautiful)    young   music    teacher 


who  has  JList  received  an  unwelcome 
proposition  from  a  sinister  money 
lender.  She  falls  in  lo\e  with 
Navarro,  completely  disarmed.  Tile 
next  day  he  informs  her  that  his  pa\ 
is  not  enough  to  support  a  wife,  and 
he  leaves.  Some  time  later  he  goes 
to  a  gambling  casino  and  there  finds 
the  money  lender  and  his  Io\c. 
(Quite  sophisticated  by  this  time). 
He  again  falls  in  love,  gambling  with 
the  money  lender  at  the  same  time. 
His  luck  is  bad,  and  he  becomes 
hopelessly  in  debt — now  see  the 
picture  to  get  the  rest  of  the  story. 
You'll  like  it,  because  the  plot  is 
good  and  the  characters  arc  SOME 
lovers. 

Park — "Lightning"  with  Will 
Rogers  is  coming  to  the  Park.  Some 
ot  you  may  ha\e  seen  the  show,  and 
>ou    know    it    will    sei\e    as    a    lelief 


from  exams  studying.  It's  the  same 
humorous  Rogers,  in  a  setting  ot 
beautiful  divorcees  in  Nevada  (or  is 
it  California? — or  both?)  The  ac- 
tion is  fast,  the  plot  light,  the  acting 
good.  The  most  humorous  scene  is 
probably  when  Rogers  pleads  his  own 
case  in  a  Reno  covut  room. 

If  you  ha\e  seen  the  picture,  it 
won't  cost  much  to  see  it  again  at  the 
Park,  and  it  will  be  a  mighty  wel- 
come  relief   from   finals. 

Princess — Here  is  .some  more 
co-star  with  Wheeler  and  Wolsey. 
are  coming  with  little  plot  to  worr\ 
you.  Dorothy  Lee  lends  her  appeal 
(worth  walking  a  mile  to  see)  as  a 
co-star  with  wheeler  and  Wolsey. 
The  prices  at  the  Princess  remain  the 
same  as  usual  ;  and  if  you  want  to 
relieve  one  of  your  inhibitions,  the 
management  at  the  Princess  in  Ur- 
bana,  rather  encourage  pop-corn  as- 
similation while  the  pictures  carry 
on. 

We  leave  you  now  for  the  year. 
1 1  we  have  helped  you  to  pick  out  a 
show  now  and  then  we  feel  satisfied. 
Our  only  hope  is  that  upon  going 
home  you  will  be  able  to  find  as 
many  good  pictures  as  we  ha\e  en- 
joyed in  good  old  Champaign-L'r- 
bana  this  past  school  year.  Be  nice 
to  the   girl    back  at  home!! 


We  can't  see  this  racket 
Of  Camels  with  a  jacket. 

— Prituctoii    Ti(/rr. 


"We\,  Mamma,  I'm  going  to  New- 
York  to  have  a  penthouse." 

"So,  Sigmund,  for  to  make  pents?" 
— (California  Pelican. 


Travel  Number 


19 


Other    Famous    "Three    Little 
Words" 

St.  Peter:     (lO  to  hell ! 
Old  combination:     Wine,  women, 
song. 

In  Pittsburgh:    Soot,  dust,  cinders. 

In  Chicago:     Put  'em  up! 

On  the  radio:     O.  K.,  Colonel! 

Hailing  a  taxi:     Maybe,  I  will. 

In  a  taxi:     Please  be  good. 

End      of    ride:         Stop    —    Stop! 


STOP!! 

Weather 

report : 

Fair 

a  n  il 

warmer. 

To     Old 

Timer : 

Please 

remit 

promptly. 

— Pennsylvania 

Pun,  It  B 

ml. 

_ 

S 

"What  do  you  think  of  a  boy  who 
would  make  a  co-ed  blush?" 
"I  think  he's  a  wonder." 

—  Texas  Longh'jrn. 

"Is  he  really  as  fast  a  ruiiiici'  as 
they  sa\?" 

"Is  he  fast?  Sa\',  he  can  run  so 
fast  that  all  the  men  he  races  with 
have  to  run  twice  as  fast  as  he  does 
to  keep  up  with  him." 

— (^olora/lo    Dud'j. 

S 

Irishman:  "What  shall  I  do  when 
the  actors  displease  me?" 
Scotchman:  "Hoot,  mon." 

— Jf'ashington   U.  Dirge. 

s 

An  A.  T.  O.  had  a  blind  date  at 
the  Theta  house  the  other  night. 
When  he  brought  her  home  from  the 
dance  he  attempted  to  neck  her  in 
the  well  known  Balloon  Room  in 
the  Theta  Hotel.  "Nay,  nay,"  the 
innocent  maiden  remonstrated,  "I've 
heard  all  about  you  awful  tau 
omegas.  "  — luua   Frivol. 

S 

VICIOUS  CIRCLE 

Master  Aloysius, 

Young  and  so  ambysius. 

Entered  into  collitch 

For    learning    and    for    pollitch. 

—  Texas  Longhorn. 
S 

"Dearie  me,"  said  Charlie  as  Fra- 
ternity Row  went  up  in  Hanies,  "The 
frat's  in  the  fire." 

— Jl'ashingtrjn     L'.    Dirge. 


A  preacher  from  a  downtown 
church  had  occasion  to  deliver  a 
sermon  to  the  iiuiiates  of  an  insane 
hospital.  During  his  speech  he 
noticed  that  one  of  the  patients,  his 
eyes  riveted  on  the  minister  and  his 
body  eagerly  bent  forward,  paid  the 
closest  attention.  The  minister  was 
flattered,  and  after  the  service  he  saw 
the  man  speak  to  the  superintendent; 
so  as  soon  as  possible  the  preacher 
inqiu'red  : 

"Wasn't  that  man  speaking  to  \ou 
about  my  sermon  ?" 

"Yes." 

"Would  you  mind  telling  me  what 
he  said  ?" 

The  superintendent  tried  to  side- 
step, but  the  minister  insisted. 

"Well,"  he  said  at  last,  "what  the 
man  wanted  to  know  was  what  ward 
\ou  came  from,  and  whether  or  not 
we  kept  you  in  a  padded  cell.  " 

— Carnegie    Teeli.   Pupptl. 
S 

Salesman:  And  remember,  in  case 
of  emergency,  put  on  the  brake. 

Lady:  Oh!  I  thought  that  came 
with  the  car. 

— (Jarnegie    Teeli.    Piipfet. 
S 

Quantity    Requirements    for 
Degrees 

I  was  a  fool.  She  was  young,  fair 
and  lovely;  it  was  a  bright  moon, 
and  a  June  moon,  a  warm  hushed 
June  evening.  We  were  married, 
and  now  I  can't  be  a  Bachelor  of 
Arts!  Curses.  — Broicn  Jug. 
S 

Three  good  reasons  for  going 
North  for  the  summer — June,  July, 
and  August. 

S 

Steaks  not  well  done  are  rare. 
— Minnesota  Ski-U-]\Iah. 
S 

Prof,  (after  two  hours  of  dicta- 
tion):    Have  you  got  that  down? 

Students   (relieved):    Yes. 

Prof.:     Well  erase  it — it's  wrong. 
— Pitt.   Panther. 

S 

A  graduate  student,  my  son,  is  a 
college  boy  who  decided  to  stay  for 
the  second  show. 

— Pennsylvania  Punch   B(ml. 


"Did  that  crazy  person  protest 
when  the  judge  told  him  he  was  in- 
sane ?" 

"Oh    \es.       He    went    out    of    the 
room  crying,  'I'm  nut,   I'm  nut.'  " 
— Minnesota  Ski-l^-Mah. 

S 

KISMET 
Though  life  is  most  uncertain, 
I'm  sure  of  this  one  thing — 
That  when  I'm  in  the  bath  tub 
The   telephone  will   ring. 

— Mai  teaser. 

S 

A  pupil  was  asked  to  write  a  short 
verse   using   the   words   analyze    and 
anatomy.     Here's  what  he  produced : 
My  analyze  over  the  ocean. 
My  analyze  over  the  sea. 
My  analyze  over  the  ocean, 
O  bring  back  my  anatomy. 

—  Texas  Longhorn. 

S 

We'\e  heard  that  the  track  star 
didn't  run  in  the  big  meet  because 
his  landlady  was  holding  his  trunk 
'til   he   paid   the   rent! 

— Minnesota  Ski-l ' -Mah. 

S 

The  cannibals  had  captured  an  old 
minister,  and  after  cooking  him  for 
several  hours  they  had  dined  sumptu- 
ously. 

First  Cannibal:  What's  the  mat- 
ter, Virgil,  can't  \ou  digest  the  min- 
ister ? 

Second  Cannibal :  No,  I  guess  I 
can't  keep  a  good  man  down. 

— Pennsylvania   Pitneh   Bowl. 

S 

Do  you  know  why  theic  arc  more 
automobile    wrecks     t  h  a  n      t  r  a  i  n 
wrecks  ? 
No,  why? 

Because  the  fireman  isn't  always 
hugging   the   engineer.     — Puppet. 

S 

She:  And  all  women  are  not  play- 
things. 

Reporter:  That  doesn't  sound 
like  a  broad  statement. 

— Banter. 

s 

College  is  just  like  a  washing 
machine;  you  get  out  of  it  ju.st  what 
\i)u  put  in — but  you'd  never  recog- 
nize it.  — Dartmouth  J aek-o' Lantern. 


20 


The  SIREN 


NOW  20%  TO  33%  REDUCTION 

Fraternity  and  Sorority  Jewelry 


liadi^cs — 
Ri)igs— 

Novelties — 

Necklets — 

Bracelets — 

Compacts 
Lighters 

Lamps — 

Desk  sets — 

Leather  goods — 
Silverware 


liudfics — 
R'nijis— 

Novelties — 

Necklets 

Bracelets — 

Compacts — 
Lighters 

Lamps — 

Desk  sets — 

Leather  goods — 
Silverware 


Sec  "DICK"  COTF,  Manager- 

BURR,  PATTERSON  &  AUUD 


704  South  Sixth  Street 


Phone  9271 


Above  the  LIniversity  Post  Office 


Russian  Words  the  Tourist 
Should  Know 

VOLGA — Something  uncouth,  in 
bad  taste;  a  hootch  dancer. 

TSHAIKOWSKI  — A  phonetic 
sneeze  to  be  used  in  Petrograd. 

PUSHKIN— To  quit  doing  in  a 
crowded  street  car. 

GOGOL — To  make  trickhng 
sound  in  throat  with  Listerine. 

CASPIAN — An  adept  actor. 

LENINGRAD— An  M.  A.  from 
Lenin  College. 

STALIN — Refusing   to   go;   like 
Fords. 

TROTSKY— Race  track  vernacu- 
lar for  also-ran. 

TARTAR— A  sailor's  duet. 

GORKY — Something  to  open 
front   doors  with. 

CC^SSACK — To  swear  at  some- 
body. — Pit/.   I'anthir. 

S 

Impressionistic 

"Ah,  well,"  said  the  painter,  pre- 
paring a  fresh  canvas,  "wiiile  there's 
still  life  there's  hope." 

— (Jnlifornin  Pelican. 


Merdern  Pertry 

I  think  that  Robert  Frost 
Is  the  best  poet  I've  run  acrost, 
But  it  surely  makes  me  bilious 
To   read  stuff  like  Robeit   Hillyous. 
(Please   don't   believe   what   this   as- 
serts, 
I  really  think  that  rhymes  the  nerts. ) 
— Ilarvard  Lampoon. 

s 

Famous  Horns 

Trader  .  .  . 
.  .  .  ing  in. 
Mater  .  .  . 

Blowing  your  own  .  .  . 
Bebeep  .  .  .     — (Jol//a/r  Bnnln . 

s — ^ — 

Why    Songwriters    Commit 
Suicide 

10(1(1.      Spark    rhymes    with    dark, 
maik,    park,    barque,    lark. 

|01(1.     Spoon   rhymes  with  cioon, 
June,  moon,  honeymoon. 

1920.      Pet    rhymes    with    bayonet, 
alphabet,  parapet. 

1930.      Neck   rhymes  with    wreck, 
circumspect. 

— //  isronsin   Octopus. 


INFERNITY 

after  S.  H.  M.  3.1416 
A  great  big  green  wave 
Came  up  and 
Kissed  me. 
That  made  two 
Wet  smacks. 

— Amherst  Lord  Jeff. 

■ S 

Reverse   English 
An    Easterner    traveling   with    his 
family    became     lost     in    a   Western 
desert.     There  was  one  around,  but 
finally  he  found  an  Indian. 

"Me  lost,"  he  said  to  the  Indian 
with  much  gesticulation.  "Me  no 
can  find  road.  Mebbe  you  can 
helpum  white  man,  huh?" 

For  a  moment  the  Indian  stared  at 
the   man,    then   he   drew   himself   up 
and  in  level  tones  said: 
'    "Me  no  spik  English. 

— Stanford   (jhaparral. 

S 

He:     You  can  say  two  words  that 
mean  hea\en  or  hell  to  me. 
She:     Shoot  yourself. 

— Carnegie    Tech.    Puppet. 


Travel  Number 


21 


It  keeps  them  so 

Mild  and  Fresh! 

There's  more  real  mildness  in  a  Camel, 
sealed  fresh  in  the  new  package,  than  in 
any  cigarette  you  ever  smoked! 

Camels 

Tight-Sealed  in  Moisture-Proof  Cellophane 


©  1931,  R.  J.  Reynolds  Tobacco 
Compony,  VVinston-SaUm,  N.  C. 


The  SIREN 


R-K-C) 

VIRGINIA 

(jloria  Svvanson 

'iNDisc^^Hirr" 

uilh 
KKN   l,V(».\  M(»M{(»i:  OWSI.KV 

I'lii-  sidij    ol   a  beauty   who  Ihrcw    oil    the  sliac  Ulcs  nl 
coiiVfiitiiiR  .  .  .  and  laid  lor  .Mr.  ltulis<'i'<'tiiiiis 


si 

N. 

.MON. 

TIKS., 

WKI 

>..    M.W 

A\. 

.11  NK    1 

■I.  :i 

( 

SEED" 

\ 

|ii< 

turc   joii    will   « 

ant   ti 

1   see   ni 

)rt'   than   once 

with 

JOHN 

I501.K.S 

( 

ii<:M<:\ 

KM' 

TOISI.N 

R-K-O 

ORPHEUM 

> AT.,  .SI  N.,  .M(»\.,  .M.W  :;(i,  :ji,  .11  .\i:  i 

TH1>;    J'KIN(  K    (tl'   K(».M.AN(  K 

Ramon  Novarro 

in   a  .uay   thrilling   drama   iil    Xii-nnal 

"DAY  BREAK" 

With    HELKN    ('H.\M)I.KK  .IK.W    HKR.SHOl.T 

C.    .\l  I5KKV    .SMITH 

Tl  ES.,  WKI).,  THl  K.S.,  FKI.,  .11  NK   l.  W.  4,  T, 

"STEPPING  OUT" 

with 

I.KII.A   HVA.MS  (  I.M  F  K1>WAU1)S 

KKt.lNAI.I)  DKNNV  (  IIAHKOTTK  (iKKKN WOOIl 


COMING  TO  THE 


RIALTO 

A  ^         THEATRE        V^ 

Sun.,  Mon.,  Tues.,  Wed. 
May  31- June  1,  2,  3 

The  most  amazing  role  of  his 
dazzling  career 

JOHN 

BARRYMORE 

in 

"SVENGALI" 


Mac  Tince  says  ,  ,  . 

"■Iiihii    Harryiniirc    has    never    done    anything    helti 
than   .SvenKali." 

It's  always  comfortably  cool  at  the  Rialto 


Absence  F'roin  Class 

Illness  is  excusable. 

Hut  cutting;  is  more  amuseable. 

— (Iriiinill  Mtilti/isfr. 


Pediculous 

Time  was,  the  word  was  never  heard 

Except  among  the  low  and  frowsy ; 
The  social  cream  would  never  dream 

Of  saying  "L y!" 

But  its  estate  improves  of  late; 

No  longer  is  it  crude  and  lowsy ; 
The  most  correct  and  circumspect 

Are  using  "L y!" 

Makers  of  Art,  the  ultra  smart, 

Intelligently — lofty — browsy, 
Use,  reaffirm  and  love  the  term — 

i.e.,  viz.,  "L y!" 

"Sour,"  "cheesy,"  "punk" — those  words  are  sunk. 

Dead,  or  in  corn  deep  and  drowsy; 
If  you  would  ritz  the  common  wats, 

You  must  say  "L y!" 

Still  though  the  mot  is  all  the  go, 

This  one  protesting  bard  avows  he, 
Is  bored  a  bit  with  hearing  it. 

And  thinks  it's  "L y!" 

— (jiirneyie  Ti'ih.  Puppet. 

S 

"Ah  cherie — je  t'adore." 

"Aw  shut  the  door  ya'self — you  opened  it." 

—71i,-  Lfhioh  ■■Riirrr 

S 

A'o.  /.•     "/  hdi'e  liad  a  %<er\  trying  iveek-end." 
Xo.  2:     "Ytah?     l/rjir  many  times  did  you  try.'" 

— Carnegie    Tetli.   Pupp  t. 

S 

Yes,  I  know  she  does,  but  has  she  a  soul  ? 

— Dartmouth  Jack-o-Lantem. 

S 

"Do  you  kiioir  any  parlor  tricks?" 

\o:  I'm  Itousehroken."  — Penn.  Pumh  Boil/. 

S 

"Did  they  give  him  laughing  gas?" 

"It  wasn't  nece.ssary,  it  was  a  ticklish  operation." 

— Ptnn.  State  Froth. 

S 

Fond  Father  (to  son):  My  boy,  drinking  has  many  ill 
effects.  For  instance,  if  you  were  drunk,  tho.se  two  flagpoles 
o\er  there  would  look  like  four.  You  can  see  how  harm 
tul  it  is  to  your  eyes. 

College  Lad  :     But  Pop,  there  is  only  one  pole. 


Travel  Number 


23 


THIS    SUMMER. ..AT    REDUCED    RATES 


CURTISS-WRIGHT    WILL    TEACH    YOU 


IT'S  EASY  TO  FLY 


THIS  SUMMER,  a  special  offer  is  being  made  to 
university  students  by  which  you  pay  by  the  hour 
and  pay  only  for  the  hours  you're  up. 

You  can  try  an  hour's  flight  with  an  instructor 
to  see  how  you  like  it,  without  obligating  yourself 
to  continue.  If  you  can  learn  in  two  hours  or  three 
hours  (one  student  learned  in  66  minutes!),  you 
pay  for  two  hours  or  three  hours. 


CURTISS-WRIGHT 


FLYING    SERVICE 

29  WEST  57th  STREET,  NEW  YORK  CITY 

(A  DIVISION  OF  CURTISS-WRIGHT  CORPORATION) 


Here  are  some  impressive  Curtiss -Wright  facts: 

Over  4,000  students  have  learned  to  fly  in 
the  famous  Fledgling  training  plane. 

7,200,000  miles  have  been  flown  by  Cur- 
tiss -Wright  students. 

In  ail  the  t  rainingCurtiss  -Wright  has  given 
in  its  standard  Fledgling  training  plane,  not 
one  student  has  been  seriously  injured. 

Curtiss  -Wright,  the  first  organization  to  teach  fly- 
ing, has  trained  scores  of  famous  pilots.  Its  in- 
structors are  picked  for  their  flying  experience 
and  their  ability  to  teach.  Its  standard  training 
plane,  the  Fledgling,  is  expressly  built  to  make 
training  easy  and  safe. 

Go  to  tlie  Curtiss  -Wright  school  near  your 
home  or  your  college.  Take  a  flight  if  you  like. 
And  if  you  want  more  data,  just  mail  the  coupon. 
Flying  is  increasingly  important  in  every  kind  of 
business.  You  should  know  something  about  fly- 
ing— a  first-hand,  practical  knowledge  of  aviation 
that  will  stand  you  in  good  stead  in  any  business 
you  enter  .  .  .  besides  it's  fun  to  fly. 

Curtiss-Wright   Bases  are  Located  in  the 
Following   Cities 


Atlanta,  Go. 

Detroit,  Mich. 

New  York,  N.  Y. 

Baltimore,  Md. 

Hartford,  Conn. 

Oklahoma  City 

Boston,  Mass. 

Indianapolis,  Ind. 

Portland,  Me. 

Caldwell,  N.  J. 

Kansas  City,  Kan. 

Pittsburgh,  Pa. 

Ctiicogo,  III. 

Los  Angeles,  Col. 

Raleigh,  N.  C. 

Columbia,  S.  C. 

Louisville,  Ky. 

Rockland,  Me. 

Columbus,  Ohio 

Memphis,  Tenn. 

San  Francisco,  Col 

Dalworth,  Te;<as 

Miami,  Fla. 

St.  Louis,  Mo. 

Denver,  Colo. 

Milwaukee,  Wise. 

ValleyStream,  L.  1 

Moline,  III. 

CURTISS-WRIGHT  FLYING  SERVICE 
29  West  57th  St.,  New  York  City 

Please  send  me  your  new  free  booklet  describing  Curtiss -Wright 
Flving  Courses. 


Name_ 
Street. 
City_ 


24 


The  SIREN 


A  Fair  Price  to  Pay  For 

Fine  Quality 
SUITS 

With  Two  Trousers 


Carsoii-Mooney 


Retrogression 

1831  — 

"Girls,  is  my  bustle  straight?" 

"Where  are  my  arm-length  mitts?" 

"Is  my  dress  long  enough?" 

"Do  you  like  my  pompadour?" 
1931— 

"Girls,  is  my  bustle  straight?" 

"Where  are  my  arm-length  mitts?" 

"Is  my  dress  long  enough?" 

"Do  i,ou  like  my  pompadour?"    — Ohio  Green  Goat. 


-S- 


Larry:     Well,  old  Sock,  liow  about  pulling  a  joke  for 
the  dear  reader? 

Harry:    Aw,  whasa  use?    The  ones  they  want  we  can't 
print,  an'  the  ones  we  can  print  they  don't  want. 

— (jdlijornia  II  ii/iipiis. 


Two  fuzzy  rabbits 
Playin'  in  a  box; 
One  will  be  ermine. 
The  other  will  be  fox. 


JACK 

He  loved  color  and  motion  and  sound, 

(jreat,  blazing,  tearing,  ruthless  fires, 

Brutal  clanging  of  fire  engines 

Coursing  red  blood  down  Broadway 

At  midnight. 

Rythmic  mechanized  football  teams, 

Clipped  clear  signals. 

Fight  talks  in  the  dressing  room. 

Hard  whacks  against  hard  shoulders. 

Strength — square  chins — cheering. 

Jazz — saxophones — heart  of  jungles. 

Mad  syncopated  women. 

Thunder — whole  rocks  bursting. 

And  some  people  wondered  why  he  craved  catsup. 

— Nevada  Desert  Wolf. 

S ■ 

Crazy  Tunes 

Once  upon  a  time  there  was  a  college  boy  and  he  didn't 
get  low  grades  and  then  didn't  blame  the  profs  for  it  and 
he  didn't  go  around  griping  to  everybody  that  so  and  so  was 
all  wet  and  he  didn't  make  out  a  set  of  crib  sheets  and  then 
he  didn't  get  an  A  on  the  exams  and  he  played  football 
which  made  it  bad  for  him  and  he  didn't  wear  his  varsity 
0  to  exams  so  that  it  would  impress  the  prof  which  all  goes 
to  show  that  all  is  not  gold  that  turns  green  which  proves 
conclusively  that  Washington's  birthday  comes  on  a  holiday 
now  go  to  bed  kiddies  and  if  you  spill  any  gin  on  the  bed- 
clothes i'll  chase  you  to  the  delicatessen  for  some  more  gin. 

— Ohio  Green  Goat. 

S 

Completely  Distilled 

The  party  will  be  gin  at  10  o'clock. 


—M.  I.  r.  V 


Doo. 


-Yelloii'  Jacket. 


"No  Liquor  Please" 

Bottles  of  perfume. 
Bottles  that  come 
Well  corked  and  labeled, 
But  not  filled  with  rum! 

Hind's  Honey  Almond 
When  weather  is  risky 
Bottles  with  mouth  wash. 
But    none    filled    with    whisky! 

Bottles  of  bath  salts. 
Oh  what  do  you  choose? 
Bottles  of  hair  oil. 
But  not  any  booze ! 

Bottles  of  aspirin, 

Cascara  drops, 

Listerine  gargle, 

But  not  any  hops  I — Nevada  Desert  JVolf. 


Travel  Number 


25 


DISDAIN 

The  haughty  Senior  girl  sniffed  disdainfully  as  the  tiny 
Freshman  cut  in.  "And  just  why  did  you  have  to  cut  in 
when  I  was  dancing?"  she  inquired  nastily. 

The  Freshman  hung  his  head  with  shame.  "I'm  sorry, 
ma'am,"  he  said,  "but  I'm  working  my  way  through  college 
and  your  partner  was  waving  a  five-dollar-bill  at  me." 

— Northlicstcrn  Purple  Parrot. 


"A  hell  of  a  landing  you  made." 

"I  made?     I  thought  you  were  flying  the  plane." 

—J/.  /.  T.  I'oo  Doo. 


"Glass   of   water!" 
"Light  or  heavy?" 

S 


-5  ale  Record. 


Madam  (to  Chinese  man-servant)  :  After  this,  when 
you  enter  my  bedroom,  please  knock — I  might  be  dressing. 

Chinaman:  Me  no  need  knock.  Me  allays  look  in  key- 
hole first.  — IFashington  Dirije. 


Spokesman:     "We  are  Kappa  Sigs  and  honest  men." 
Judge:      "Fine,    the   Kappa    Sigs   line   up   over   on    thi; 
side  and  the  honest  men  on  the  other  side."     — Puppclt. 


Abie:     Do  you  play  golf  vit  knickers? 
Levy:     No,  vit  white  people.     — Kansas  Sour  Oul. 
S 

Our  idea  of  a  noble  gesture  is  a  woman  shooting  he 
husband  and  then  giving  the  insurance  money  to  charity. 

— Penu.  Punch  Bon/. 


If  the  food  is  good. 

Thank  God  for  that ; 
But  if  it's  not, 

Heaven  help  this  frat! 

— Boston  Bean  Pot. 


"Woe   be   unto   you,"   said   the   farmer   to   his   runa\\:r 
horse.  — Pointer. 


"Watch  me  shake  that  thing,"  said    the  elephant    ap- 
proaching the  suspension  bridge.  — Loe/. 


Champaign's 

Meadow  Gold 
Ice  Cream 


It's  the  smoothest  and  finest 
quality  ice  cream 


^ 


Champaign  Ice  Cream  Co. 

4176  Telephone  4175 


GALL  THE 


Powder  Puff 


and  get  that  permanent 
wave.  We  can  give  you 
a  soft  natural  looking 
wave  that  will  last 
through  the  social  season 


We  use  soft  water  for  shampooing 
702  South  Goodwin  Phone  7-2595 


26 


r//<  SIKIiN 


"Certified  Dry  Cleaning" 

SOUDER'S 

Cleaners 

Established  1S66 
and  still  ilohiji  str(ni^ 


Phones     3725,  4^00,  8108 


House 
Managers ! 

For  Your  Summer  Cleaning 

and  Storage  of  Drapes 

and  Rugs 

Call 

BRESEH  BROS. 

CLEANERS 
Phone  4444 

or 

LUCAS  AND  MOORE 

RUG  CLEANERS 

Phone  4S57 


A  I"'ratcrnity  Man's  Credo 

I.  'rii.il  the  ticaMircr  an<l  cati'icr  arc  in  calujots  to  };\p 
and  .starvr  cv  cryhody  in  thf  house. 

2.     That  the  meals  arc  the  worst  in  town. 

.3.  That  somebody  stole  the  toothpaste  lie  left  in  the 
liatlii(i(ini. 

4.  That  there  is  ne\er  any   hot  water. 

5.  That  all  othei'  tratcinities  are  models  of  peace  and 
iiai  niony. 

h.  Tiiat  e\er\  man  with  a  lot  of  keys  is  really  an  awful 
heel. 

7.  That  CNcryonc  who  has  any  job  of  importance  is  a 
master  chiseller. 

S.  'I'hat  all  that  is  necessary  to  get  pledges  is  to  have  .a 
big  house. 

9.     That  every  other  house  observes  study  hour. 
10.     That  it  woidd  be  nice  to  live  alone  some  place  with 
a  lock  on   the  door.              — DttrtiiKJUth  Jai  k-o'-Lantci  n. 
S 

(Jueen  .Mary  of  Lngland,  outside  of  inhabiting  large 
hats,  is  a  meticidous  grammarian.  At  one  time,  visiting  a 
military  hospital  during  the  late  war,  she  had  occasion  to 
talk  to  a  wounded  Tommy,  who  was  describing  the 
nianocuvers  at  Ypres. 

"There  we  was,"  he  said,  "at  Wipers  ..." 

"Kepr,"  corrected  the  Queen. 

The  soldier  hesitated,  then  continued,  "When  the  attack 
bi'gan,  they  yanked  us  out  of  the  town,  but  we  soon  marched 
back  to  Wipers  ..." 

"Kepr,"  said  the  Queen,  again. 

The  soldier  went  on.  "And  it  was  right  there  at 
Wipers  ..." 

"Eepr,"  repeated  the  Queen. 

After  several  minutes,  the  Queen  left.  (^ne  of  the 
doctors  asked  the  soldier,  "Well  ,what  did  you  think  of  the 
Queen." 

"(^h,  she's  a  fine  lady,  "  he  said.  "But  it's  a  pity  she  has 
the  hiccup  so  bad."  — Diirt mouth  J nck-o' -Lantern. 


PRAYER 

A  pledge  at  one  of  the  local  houses  which,  incidentally, 

has  been   getting  so  much   publicity  lately  that   we   are  not 

going   to   mention    its   name,     was    ordered     by   one    of  the 

brothers   to   ask   (Irace.      The   lad   was   a   bit  surprised,  but 

not  at  all  daunted.     .After  a  moment's  deliberation,  he  left 
tlu'  table  and  dialed  3651. 


An  additional  piece  of  jewelry  has  been  offered  to  the 
student  this  year.  It  is  none  other  than  the  famous  official 
I  ni\eisity  of  Illinois  ring.  May  we  suggest  that  additioned 
patterns  be  manufactured  instead  of  the  conventional 
.Stadium  and  Alma  Mater  design.  Why  not  have  a  pictine 
of  the  gym  annex  on  one  side  and  the  emblem  of  the  stock 
judging  team  on  the  other  side  of  some  of  the  rings? 


Travel  Ntimhcr 


27 


The  new  Chevrolet  Sport  Ko<i./s/.r  f>ht>ittiiraphedon  the  University  of  Virginia  campus  with  the  Kfinmin  m  i  he  background 

IVow.  in  smart  por$$oiial  transportation— it-s  Chevrolet 


Now,  in  smart  personal  trans- 
portation it's  the  new  Chevro- 
let Six — the  finest  performing 
car  that  Chevrolet  has  ever  built.  Lightning 
getaway,  all  kinds  of  speed  and  power,  finger- 
tip handling  ease,  downright  dependability 
and  operating  expense  as  low  as  the  lowest. 
\^  hat's  more,  here  is  the  best-looking  inex- 
pensive automobile  you  have  ever  seen  — 
long,  low-swung  lines;  smartly  styled  new 
Fisher  bodies;  happy  new  color  harmonies; 


and  the  very  last  word  in  fittings  and 
appointments.  In  all,  the  new  Chevrolet 
Six  is  the  most  modern,  most  advanced 
expression  of  fine,  low-cost  transportation. 
And  that  means — besides  smart  appearance 
and  sprightly  performance — generous  com- 
fort in  roomy  interiors,  every  modern 
appliance  for  driving  convenience,  consist- 
ent economy  through  seasons  of  use— an  i, 
in  fact,  every  advantage  that  modern  <'esign 
and  quality  standards  can  build  into  a  car. 


Chevrolet  prices  range  from  $475  to  $650,  f.  o.  b.  Flint,  Mich.  Special  equipment  extra 
Chevrolet  Motor  Company,  Detroit,  Michigan 

NEW  CHEVROLET  SIX 


The  Great  American  Value 


28 


The  SIREN 


Tennis  and  Golf  Goods 


Slruni'  Rackets— $3.00  lo  $15.00 

Unstrung  Frames— $3.50  to  $7.50 

Strinjjinf*  above  frames — $2.50  to  $9.00 

New    shipiiicnt    of    Ircsli    tennis    halls.      Kxport    reslriii:;iim.       (Wf 
lestrin;;    liir   tlu'    \ai-sit.v— it    MIST   Ik-   K'mxI) 


GOLF  ARTICLES 

Complete  set — 4  clubs  and  baj*- 


$6.50 


Tlu"  irons  are  Iiand  loriiod  (not  cast  iron)  and  have  hirlior.v  shafts 

Steel  shafted  set  and  bag— $13.50 

Single  club  (irons  or  woods) — $1.50  to  $9.00 

Balls— 3  for  $1.00  to  75c  each 


THE  CO-OP 


On  the  Square 


On  the  Square 


Night   walchman :     Youii<t:  man.   are   you   going   to   Iciss 
that  girl? 

Young  man    ( straiglitcning  up):     No,  sir. 
Night  watchman:     Here,  then,  hold  my  lantern. 

— ICnshint/fon  Diryc. 

S 


First  chambermaid:      Have   \ou  heard   the   stor\'   about 
the  double  bed  ? 

Second  ch.inibeimaid  :     Ha\e  I?    Wh\',  1  make  that  up. 

— Punch  Bou i. 


Do  yo\i  have  a  second-hand  car  or  do  you  walk?   Yes. 
—  Texas  Longhoni. 


Two  Chicago  men  left  a  banquet  together ;  they  had 
dined  exceptionally  well. 

"When  you  get  home,"  said  one,  "if  you  don't  want  to 
disturb  your  family,  undress  at  the  foot  of  the  stairs,  fold 
your  clothes  neatly,  and  creep  up  to  yoiu'  room." 

They  met  the  next  day  at  lunch. 

"How  did" you  get  on?"  asked  the  advisor. 

"Rottenly,"  replied  the  other.  "I  took  off  all  my  clothes 
at  the  foot  of  the  stairs,  as  you  told  me,  and  folded  them  up 
neatly.  I  didn't  make  a  sound.  But  when  I  reached  the 
top  of  the  stairs — it  was  the  elevated  station." 

— Biiffa/o  Bison. 
S 

There  are  three  classes  of  women — the  intellectual,  the 
beautiful,   and    the   majority.  — Michigan    Gargoyle. 


He:     "Darling,  I'm  groping  for  the  right  word." 
She:     "Well,  you're  not  going  to  find  it  there." 

— Georgia  (hat  i-cr. 


Anne:  "How  is  it  that  Harwood  ne\er  takes  you  to 
the  theater  any  more?" 

Howe:  "Well,  you  see.  one  evening  it  rained  and  we 
sat  in  the  parlor."  • — Ranger. 


Little  girl  do  you  remember 

Kisses,  soft  and  sweet? 
Secrets  whispered  gently, 

When  we  chanced  to  meet? 
Eternal  love  we  plighted. 

As  all  true  lovers  should. 
Little  girl  do  you  remember? 

Damn  it,  I  knew  you  would ! 

— California  Pelican. 


Travel  Number 


29 


Fraternity  Dictionary 

Riishee:     A  desired   individual   to 
whom  one  says,  "Have  a  cigarette." 


Pledge:  A  lowly  creature  to  whom 
one  says,  "Gimme  a  cigarette?" 


Pledge  Button :  The  sole  means 
of  distinguishing  the  recently  elect 
from  the  scholars. 


Desirable  Prospects:  Anything 
with  rich  papas  and  sympathetic 
mammas. 


Darned  Good  Fellow:  Term  used 
to  describe  a  prospective  member  who 
has  insufficient  personality  to  make 
any  of  the  initiates  dislike  him. 


Frat  Pin:  An  emblem  which 
takes  a  dumb  boy  several  years  to 
get,  and  a  shrewd  girl  only  a  few 
minutes  to  get  away  from  him. 


Brotherhood :  A  word  that  has 
an  annoying  use  with  reference  to 
ties,  toilet  articles,  and  textbooks. 


House  Manager:  One  of  the 
brothers  who  is  inefficient  unless 
heartily  detested  by  the  entire  chap- 
ter. 


Loyalty:  Not  talking  about  a 
brother  member  behind  his  back, 
unless  one  happens  to  go  with  his 
girl. 


Sorority:     An  organization  which 
would  have  no  incentive  to  existence 

without   fraternities. 

— Texas  Lonyhorn. 


What  a  Life  Saver/ 

//  ta^ef  y^our  breath  away 


A  REAL 

sensation. 


332   COLLEGE  COMICS 


Supernatural 

'  TRUDC      MARK 

•y?v     Genuine 

a^anamas 

You  should  wear  a  Panama  for  all  occasions/  but 
make  sure  it  is  an  Ecuadorian  "Supernatural"  Genuine 
Panama.   Famed  for  Style,  Comfort  and  long  wear. 

Good  stores  se//  these  hats  with  pride 
ECUADORIAN        PANAMA       HAT       COMPANY 
297  Mercer  Slreot  __  New  York,  N.  T. 


30 


The  SIREN 


Across  from   Prehn's  on  Orciion  you 
will  find  the 

Largest  Assortment 
of  Stationery 

in  the  Twin  Cities 

OS? 


STUDENTS'  SUPPLIES 
AND  SPECIALTIES 

V.  T.  BELLEFF  '20,  Prop. 


May;noIia:  "Wlieii  Maiuiy  went  ami  got  married,  lis 
girls  done  give  her  a  shower." 

Pansy:     "Dat  she'  was  nice.  Ah'll  bet  her  husbuni  was 

glad  to  get  'er  nice  and  clean."  — (^onn/l  Olliipnd. 

S 


The  gentleman  had  sent  for  a  plumber  to  fix  an  upstairs 
tap,  and  as  he  and  his  wife  started  downstairs  they  met  the 
plumber  coming  up.  The  gentleman  stopped  the  plumber 
and  said : 

"Before  I  go  downstairs  I  would  like  to  acquaint  \ou 
with  the  trouble." 

The  plumber  politeh'  removed  his  hat  and  murmured: 
"Please  to  meet  \ou,  ma'am." 

— U  ashiriyl'iii    V.   Dirge. 
S 

The  skunk  is  the  queerest  of  all  animals — he  is  offensive 
on  tlie  defensive.  — Kansas  Sour  Oil/. 

s 


His   Lordship    (to  servant):  Jarndyce,  I've  just  had   a 
tiff  with  my  wife.     Will  you  slam  the  door? — lozia  Frivol. 

S 

The  outcome  of  the  football  season  determines  whether 
he  was  a  cheerleader  or  a  sneer-leader. 

— Kansas  S'uir  (Jul. 


Here's  How! 

1   pint  of  :\\l\ . 
i   male. 

1  female. 

2  roonuiiates. 
2  deans. 

3  chaperfones. 
Mix  ingredients  thorougjih    and  shake  well.      H:ike  in  a 
hot  dance  li.ill.     Will  make  approximately   l,345,OS7    Prom 
i'lkes.  — Ohio  Green  dual. 

S 

Landlord :      "This   room   was   formerly    occupied     by   a 
cliemist.     He  invented  a  new  explosive." 

Prospecti\e  boarder:     "I  suppose  those  spots  on  the  wall 
are  results  of  his  experiments?" 

L.indlord:      "Well,   indirectly,   yes;   you   see   that's   the 
chemist!"  — Prnn   Slale  I'ratli. 

S 

"Where  are  you  going,  daughter?" 
"Downstairs  to  get  some  water." 
"In  your  nightgown?" 

"Xo,   in    this   pitcher."                            — West   Pointer. 
S 


"Hear  about  the  man  with  C  average?" 
"Xaw." 

"He   was   non-pidsed."                 — Stanford   Chuparral. 
S 

Old  Fashioned  Dictionary 

Drunk — having  imbibed. 

Frail — delicate. 

Still — constrained. 

Gin — machine  for  removing  seeds  from  cotton. 

Bun — biscuit. 

Neck — part  of  animal  connecting  head  and  trunk. 

Leg — supports  of  a  table  or  chair. 

Calf — young  cattle. 

Knee — a  joint. 

Breast — encounter,   buffet. 

Rye — a  cereal. 

Pet — a  cherished  creatine. 

IVIug — a  drinking  cup. 

Damn — a  barrier. 

Hell — a  word  used  by  sinners  of  the  lowest  order. 

— Broivn  Jiitj. 

S — 

People  \\-ho  li\e  in  glass  houses  might  as  well  answer  the 
doorbell.  — Southern  (California  If  n/npus. 

S 


"(jimme  a  sentence  with  Vampire." 

"Say,  another  one  of  those  cracks  an'   I'll   Dracula  ovei 
the  place.  — Stanford  (Jiaparral. 

S 


How  did  the\   treat  >ou  in  Scotland?" 
Reluctanth."  — (Cornell  If'idoiv. 


Travel  Number 


31 


A  picture  of  QSS^r  of  all  co-eds,  two  weeks  from  now 

S 

"VVhaffo  you  sharpeniii'  'at  Razor?" 
"Woman,   they's  a  paih  of  gemniens'   shoes   undeh   you 
bed.      If   they  ain't   no  niggah   in   them  shoes  ah's  going  to 
shave."  — The  "Siivtisher." 

S 

Evolution 
Said  a  monk  as  she  hung  by  her  tail  .  .  . 
To  her  offsprings  both  female  and  male  .  .  . 
From  your  children,  my  dears  ... 
In  a  few  million  years  .  .  . 
May  evolve  a  professor  at  Yale  .  .  . 

—Black  and  H/iir  Jay. 

S 

"According   to   statistics    some    one   dies    every    time    I 
breathe." 

"How  about  using  Listerine." 

— Kansas  Sour  Ore/. 


To  the  Girls  of  the 
Ilhnois  Campus 

We  Thank  You  for 
Your  Patronage 


Bayer's 


SMART  DRESSES 


PICTURES 


ARE 

INDISPENSIBLE 

SUCCESSFUL 
PUBLICATION 


Etchiri,oV> 

Pliot'O^EnoT'eos^inos 

Colo  i^p.lati?  J~» 


GRGRUBBcCO 

«  ENGRAVERS       --< 

"       CHAMPAIGN,       ^ 

'-       ILLINOIS.      ^ 


32 


The  SIREN 


L'LLE    GIR-RUL! 
BIG    BOW-EY! 

Alle»z!    Reg^rdez ! 
Nous    s  o  m  m  e  s    touts    pretes    pour    vous 

PARIS,    LONDON   and   EUROPE 

AVEC  great  pleasure!  COLLEGE  HUMOR  is  now  ready  to 
serve  you  with  a  well  informed  and  courteous  staff  of  "Citizens  of 
Europe  ,  in  a  special  Service  Bureau  —  for  no  other  purpose  than 
to  make  your  trip  to  England,  France,  all  of  Europe,  one  gay,  glad, 
full  time  of  Going  to  the  Right  Places  — and  Seeing  the  Right  Things. 

Introduction  to  golf  and  other  clubs ....  Free  advice — where  to 
dine,  where  to  shop,  what  theaters  have  what ....  In  fact  friendly, 
competent,  down-to-the-instant  advice  on  anything  you  may  de- 
sire—and that's  covering  a  lotta  ground,  a  lotta  ground  ....  The 
way  COLLEGE  FiUMOR  tries  to  do  everything  ....  This  service 
is  FREE,  of  course!    "We  hope  you'll  i.ke  it!" 

COLLEGE     HUMOR 

in    PARIS    at    15    Rue    de    la    Paix 

in    LONDON    at    87    Regent    Street 

If  you're  going  this  summer  write  us 
Graybar  Building 
New  York  City 


Episode 

1  think  tfiat  I  shall  lu-vcr  see 
Such  a  nuisance  as  a  tree; 
A  tree  whose  snowy  bows  do  hang 
just  above  the  class  bound  gang. 

And  as  the  studes  get  underneath 

The  tree  just  seems  to  grit  its  teeth 

And  all  snow  upon  those  bows 

Fall  down  upon  the  boys  below. 

They  are  covered  white  with  snow 
And  try  to  let  the  whole  world  know 
By  shouts  and   curses  loud  and   free 
That   there's   no  such   nuisance  as  a 
tree.  — Co/gate  Banter. 


Of  all  the  glad  surprises 
There's  nothing  to  compare 
To  taking  tests  and  quizzes 
From  profs  that  aren't  there. 
— Boston  Beanpot. 


Dentist:  "There,  now!  No  one 
on  earth  can  tell  that  those  are  false 
teeth." 

Co-ed:  "My  roommate  can.  And 
she  will." 

—  Texas  LongJiorn. 


Self-Made  Man  (passing  to  watch 
college  graduate  digging  a  ditch): 
"That's  how  I  got  my  start." 

Collegian:  "Yeah?  And  what 
did  you  do  with  it?" 

— Texas  Lonyhorn. 


A     restaurant     starts     when    Greek 

meets  Greek, 
A    river    widens    when    creek    meets 

creek, 
Hut  a  romance  starts  within  a  week 
At  a  campus  dance  when  cheek  meets 

cheek.  . — Dirge. 


Rosens 

I  X'Mens  Stylists 

DOWNTOWN  —  CAMPUS 


HERE  WE  ALL  GO- 
^WHERE? 


THE  COLLEGE 
MAN'S  STORE 
FOR  COLLEGE 
MAN'S  TOGS 


TO 

ROSEN'S 

SALE 

OF 

SALES 

OF 

COURSE 


Yes!  there  is  a 
great  difference 


Supply 

your  needs 

now  at 

these 

sale 

prices 


GREAT  REDUCTIONS  ON 
EVERYTHING  TO  WEAR 

Get  in  the  Big  Line,  too  —  It's  to  Rosen 's 
Campus  . . .  Both  Staines  . . .  Doiontown 


Sunshine    Mellows 
Heat   Tyrifies 


LUCKIES 

are  always 

kind  to  your 

throat 


and  hoiv  a  pennjic 
cdfclc-up  on  ihc 
health  ol  yout  boilv 


Everyone  knows  that  sunshine 
mellows  — that's  why  the  "TOASTING"  process 
includes  the  use  of  the  Ultra  Violet  Rays.  LUCKY 
STRIKE—  made  of  the  finesttobaccos  — theCream 
of  the  Crop -THEN -"IT'S  TOASTED"  an  extra, 
secret  heating  process.  Harsh  irritants  present 
in  all  row  tobaccos  are  expelled  by  "TOASTING." 
These  irritants  are  sold  to  others.  They  are  not 
present  in  your  LUCKY  STRIKE.  No  wonder 
LUCKIES  ore  always  kind  to  your  throat. 


64 


It's  toasted" 


Your  Throot  Protection— against  irritation  — against  cough 


;^rS~fl':^Sl«^^-'^^^^ 


UNIVERSITY  OF  ILLINOIS-URBANA 


3  0112  043294690        |