Skip to main content

Full text of "The Siren"

See other formats


-I— 4i:^.,. Citii^r-r 

i^M O I A r A . 

KKr K z 

X n 0A0 

z n 0rA 

Aon E)On 



^ i I ' i ~^^ 

rr e> (^ 1 -si x 


r ^ 



/i^ K /\ V /\ ..A /• 


The Stewart Howe Alumni Service 

Helps nearly 200 strong fraternities and sororities at 
five universities maintain their stron** alumni support 




Everything in Music 

Visit our new store in 

Illinois Union Bldg. 

Entrance thriiii^h nuihi lobby 






Depends l^on 

Your future success will be 
assured if you enroll NOW at 




"The liiisiiu'ss ('oIlei;e for 
t'iillej;c IVcipIc" 


(On the Ciiinpus) 

Join the 


Life Membership 


It's the Heart of Illinois 

Now is the time to profit in 
its membership 



( liristmas Cards 






Champaipn , Illinois 


Ritshiu^ Number 

The One Place Where Vou Find All the Good Cosmetics 

Kamerer Bros. Pharmacies 

Elizabeth Arden, Dorothy Gray, Du Barry, Lesquendieu, Rubin- 
stein, Charles of the Ritz, Yardleys, Max Factor, Barbara Gould, 
Primrose House. Seventeen — E\ ening in Paris 


Lucien Lelong. Chanels Guerlains. Worth. Bourjois, Lentheric, Gemey 
d'Orsay, Molyneux, Ybry, Gabilla, Renaud. Lanvin, Houbigant, Coty, Yard- 
ley, Isabey, Corday, L'Legrand, Rigauds, Roger, Gallet. 


Tiissy Louis Philippe — alt beauty treatment line lip sticks 

The largest and finest presentation of Compacts for your selection 

For the Newest, Smartest, Most Modern, Finest in Toilet Goods 

Daniel at Sixth 


Lincoln at Nevada 

Join Our 
Rental Library 

No reprints — First run books by best 
and latest authors 

lOc for 3 Days 

New Books Added Often 

All The Best 
New Books 

F"iction. Biography, History 

Dollar Books, Popular Books 

Illustrated Books, Gift Books, Poetr\ 

Cheap Libraries, etc. 


Used and Reduced Volumes of All Kinds 




I 066735 



Rushing Number 




Rus/tiug Number 


\J. ' ^ 

Volume XXXIII, Rushing Number September, 1932, No. 1 

CARL J. DfESER Edilor-in-C/iie) 

WILLIAM A. ZOELLER Business Manaiier 

Editorial Staff 

Donald F. Mulvihill Issociate Editor 

Wilfred J. Brogdcn Office Manayir 

Gerald McGrcw 
John La Scl 
Maurice Eastin 

Nita Ramey H'oman's Editor 

Miriam Van Buskirk Excliantje Editor 

Betty Jane Kendall 
Shirley Day 
Lucille Cole 
Winnie Haslam 

Lynn Pierce Art Editor 

Jane Fauntz Associate Art Editor 

D. M. Meskimen Assistant Art Editor 

H. Samuel Kruse 

Ted Parmclee 

Evelyn Lantz 

Florentia Mctzger 

Adeline Cross 

Business Staff 

Donald Faulkner Idverlisini/ Manatjer 

H. H. Otten Assistant Advcrlisinij Manaijer 

Harley Stiehl Circulation Manager 

Murray Shrader Copy Manaijrr 

Elaine (Jeidell Office Manaijer 

Shelby Simmons Collection Manaijer 

Published monthly bj- the Illini Publishing Company, University of Illi- 
nois, during the college year. Entered as second-class matter at the 
Post-Office at Urbana, Illinois, by act of Congress, Marcli 3, 1879. 
Office of publication. Illini Publishing Company. Subscription price 
$1.00 the year. Address all communications, Illinois Union Building, 
Champaign, Illinois. Copyright. 1932. by The Siren. Exclusive rei>rint 
right granted to (2)l|geHumOr magazine. 


The Letters of Susie Brown 

As a Freshman 

Dear Maw and Paw: 

I ain't written afore because I ain't had the time. I 
couldn't eat, sleep, or nuthing. Because the minute I tried 
to, there were forty-leven gals after me, taking me places, 
and calling me on the phone. The idea was something 
foreign — they called it Russian. Enyways, I'm not living 
anymore where I wuz when I first comed here. Some gals 
moved me out to their place. It's plenty grand — big front 
porch and all. Looks a lot like the town hall back home. 
The gals are nice to me, but I'm afraid most of them are 
headed for the place the Rev. Munroe used to tell us about 
in Church. They even smoke. I shall try my best to lead 
them back to the straight path. 

I almost forget to tell you. The morning after I moved 
here, some of my clothes disappeared — especially the 
bloomers. The next day I ups and tells the precedent of 
the house, and she said it wuz kindof a joke the Sophs play 
on the Freshman every year, and she suggested that she 
help me buy new clothes. And she says that I should wear 
my Sunday-go-to-meeting dress to school, and get another 
dress for Sunday. It's right nice of her to offer to help me, 
and if it's all right with Paw, I'll be getting some new 

Your loving dater, 


Dear Susie: 

Is this here place what you moved to going to cost eny- 
more than the one Maw and I put you in? Cuz if 'tis, 
you'll have to move back again. I won't be paying no more 
than ten dollars ($10) a week for no Russian plan. 

Maw and I don't think that's no joke about yer clothes 
getting taken. Who are the Sophs, enyway? Can't they be 
brought to Justice? Git the Sherrif after them, or, by 
cracky, I will. As for another go-to-meeting dress. Maw 
and I guess we can manage it, and we are sending ten 
dollars ($10), which is four dollars ($4) more than t'other 
one cost. 

Keep up your prayers for them gals what smoke. It be 
a terrible sin. Be a good girl, Susie, write to yer Maw and 
Paw, and wear yer rubbers. Bossy horned a calf last nite. 



As a Sophomore 

Dear Mommer and Popper : 

Greetinx from Chambana! And how are all the corn- 
tassels ? 

F'eaven's ache, what made you believe that story Minnie 

Atkinson told you when she was home last week-end ? Col- 
lege has tiot been too much for me, although I admit, 
parentes familias, I may have been too much for it. What 
if I did go wading in the boneyard at 12 p. m.? Does that 
prove anything? Absolutely not, Mommer and Popper, old 
kids. Indeed, the act made me famous. I even rated the 
Scout, which is one of the highest honors possible at this 
school. Now the name of Browne is known on campus. 

I am doing marvelously — simply marvelously — in my 
classwork. Any letter which you received from the Dean's 
office to the contrary was all a horrible mistake. I'm going 
to see Benner this very afternoon and demand an apology. 
Why, I'm certain to make Phi Beta Kappa. 

Incidentally, our formal dance is soon. How about 
sending five greenbacks my way? 

Dear Susie : 

Since when is yer name "Sally"? Yer name is Susie, and 
Susie it be always, and don't be forgitting it. Besides, since 
when do we spell "Brown" with an "E"? Likewise, Maw 
and I will heve you know thet the name of Brown does 
not need anyone to make it famous. Most everyone knows 
someone by the name of Brown as it is. Seems to Maw 
and me thet you be getting right funny ideas at that col- 

As fer what \Iinnie tol us last week, we're glad to 
hear you say it wuz nuthing, but we still feel a might un- 
easy about it. Why you shoidd be wading around in lumber- 
yards, or whatever it is, at midnight, we can't see. What 
is the Scout? Be it a medal or some sech? 

We are waiting for the apology from the Bender. But 
if making good marks is going to make you join another 
one of them Greek named things, let the marks go. I can't 
afford it. 

Love from Maw and Brother, 


P. S. Am sending five dollars ($5) fer thet thar formal 
affair. If you didn't go to the darn thing formal, would it , 
cost less? I 

As a Junior 

Dear Mater and Pater: 

I'm wearing a Chi Psi pin. Congratidate me. It was 
hard work getting it. 

We're thinking of eloping to Danville or Decatur, or 
somewhere, and if you'd send along some dough, it would 
be a lot easier. 

In haste, 

((Continued on Page IS) 

Rushing Number 

NirP\ ^AMfy 

Simply Ripping! 


Egbert Pea body Goes to College 

or Being Pledged to Beta 

Our kind and gentle readers will remember that we 
left Egbert at the close of prep school, thrilled with the 
idea of going to Illinois University. See EGBERT AT 
BACK, etc., etc.) 

It was a glorious day as Egbert stepped from the 
palatial day-coach of the great railroad which ran through 
Urbana-Champaign. He was certain that his friends would 
be there to meet him, and so they were. That is, all were 
there except Freddy Schnell who had been so pleased to see 
him last Interscholastics. Little did Egbert know that Beta 
already had a ping-pong champion hot-boxed who came 
from East St. Louis, and was slated to win the intramural 

The boys rushed Egbert into a trim little Packard, 
laughing and joking over him, gaily calling each other sons 
of beehives, bastions, and other jolly names. A kind elderly 
man, whom Egbert found out later to be head of the house, 
volunteered to take care of his trunks. "Ah," thought 
Egbert, "this is really college life, just like that shown in 
'EFFIE AT VASSAR,' in the companion series by the 
same author which will be of great interest to my kind 
readers' sisters." 

The next few days were full of social functions ap- 
parently all in Egbert's honor. Breakfasts, dinners, teas, 
theater parties, all for Egbert. True, there were a few 
other young fellows who seemed puffed up with their own 
importance, but Egbert thought they must be Betas. Not 
only did this one group of friends fete him, but a group 
of fellows known as Delts invited him places. But Egbert 
did not like the Pelts, for he was sine that he once smelled 
root beer on the breath of one, the same one who uttered a 
lusty "D — n" when he caught his finger in a door. 

Egbert had often heard of these bad college women, so 
when one of the boys offered to get him a date with a 
Kappa Phi Theta, he was rather reluctant. But the girl 
was very nice, modest, and almost shy. Not until he had 
seen her twice more, did he find that she, like he, was a 
freshman in college. 

Four days went by, and then a group of the boys took 
him aside and began to talk quite seriously of fraternity 
life, the national aspect, and "you should really get in where 

your friends are, and you know, Egbert, that we're your 
friends." Why did they look at him so anxiously? He 
would show them that a Peabody always rewarded hos- 
pitality and that he, Egbert, already was a college man. 

"Sure, fellows, I'll join your frat," he cried. 

Little did Egbert know that he thus made a life-long 
enemy in the person of Oscar, the kind Senior who ruled 
the house, with the exception of the athletes, with an iron 
hand, and who also dated the Kappa Phi Theta pledge. But 
more of this in a later volume which will be called 

"Well, fellers, he pledged!" 

Rushing Number 


♦ The Siren's Interpretation of the 
1932-33 Rushing Rules 


A sorority is a buncti of dolls who have elected when 
very young to establish a close affiiliation with one another 
for four years as university students and thereafter until 
death do them part. 

All of the members and pledges of sororities, with few 
exceptions, live in chapter houses under the direction of a 
mature chaperon. The sorority, however, is largely self- 
governing and maintains high ideas of girlish sophistication 
for its members as well as for all university women. 

Since sorority membership is necessarily limited by the 
number of pledges who can be crowded into the dorm, and 
since many are sought but few are chosen, only one-third 
ot the women students at the university are sorority mem- 

The procedure of securing new members is politely 
termed Rushing. Rushing simply means that the sorority 
entertains women at tea, luncheon, or dinner in an effort 
to look over a rushee's best clothes. 

Alumnae members of each sorority have sisters, rela- 
tives, or close friends entering the university whom they 
think could be adapted by the groups. These persons with 
a drag largely make up the group of rushees. 

If the sorority has several vacancies in its membership 
and needs additional members to pay off the mortgage, it 
invites the required number of women to become pledges. 

Each college student should consider carefully before 
she accepts a bid and pledges herself to a sorority, for she 
is more or less damning herself for her whole college career. 

Fall Rushixg Rules 

.4. General Rules for Fall Rushing 

1. Betas shall not be included in fall rushing. 

2. Gifts, such as silk stockings and underwear, may not 
be sent or given to a strange rushee. 

B. Advice to Rushees 

1. It is advisable that a rushee should not accept too 
many invitations with one sorority. She should not accept 
more than two or three invitations besides the tea, since this 
acceptance will allow the sorority to think it is the only one 
rushing her. 

2. A rushee should leave the sorority house when the 
sisters begin to yawn and look toward the door. 

3. It is considered unfair to accept invitations to soror- 
ity parties for no other purpose than a free meal. 

}iirA R^HBi 

"And ya better quit wearing those 
mesh hose on tha street too !" 


mil mu 


• September 

• Almanac 


Month iv/iost' hirthslone is Ihc sappliirr 
Monlli luliicli l/rniciu one like a Kaffir, 
Month irhen all thr gay young Frosli 
Hit the big State L'., by gosh.' 
And you hear of hot box sessions, 
Legacies and prize possessions ; 
Teke and Sig Pi fight for allileles, 
Chi Psi, Phi Delt for the aesthetes. 
Harvest moon begins to shine 
Summer romances decline, 
In favor of some newer flame 
IFhat the Hell, it's all a game! 
mini. Siren, Hlio, 

You really must subscribe, you know. 
Month ivhen people ivear fall clothes 
ll'liy they do it, no one knows. 
Pledges learn to sneak date boldly 
Upper classmen look on coldly. 
The big and braiuny strive for fame, 
ll'lien's the first big football gamef 

Rushing Number 

September Hath 30 Daze 

— "Buy Bras for Miss America" Club founded. 

— Betas recommend pink bras with blue alencon lace. 

— Zuppke very hopeful over football prospects. 

— Ananias born, 25 B. C. May he lie in peace. 

— Labor Day. "Let us have wine, women, and drown 

sorrow. Bromo-Seltzer for tomorrow." 
— Bromo-Seltzer. 
— Tomato juice. 
— 46.3^f fewer motor accidents than at this time last 

month, after formation of Miss America Club. 
— Buy Bras for Miss America Club praised bv \\ . C. 

T. U. 
— Some students arrived on trains, thumb did not. 
— Fraternities give houses annual dusting. 
— Rush week starts for men. Psi U Dairy open with 

two Holsteins shooting bull. 
, — President's welcome. Everybody wants to go home. 
— Full moon, as well as Dekes. No street lights. 
, — Silence Day. Hard on the women. 
— Bids come out. "We really didn't need but five." 
— Freshman mixer. I'll take mine straight, with a cop 

for a chaser. 
— F'raternities and sororities return to regular menus. 
— Eighty houses still trying to get pledges. 
, — Registration begins. Annual faculty popularity con- 
— Papa Pease leading by 13 Sigma Kappas. 
, — Classes begin. Students begin to catch up on sleep. 
— Sigma Phi Sigma pledges serenade Pifys, rendering 

beautiful duet. 
— Zuppke hopeful over football prospects. 
— 7,401 students decide to study. One sick. 7,400 go to 

—THE SIREN celebrates its 23rd natal day. 
. — SAI pledge class sings solo over WILL. 
, — Zuppke still hopeful. 
, — Michaelmas. 365 das. come next Michaelmas. Nita 

Ramey celebrates 3rd IHth birthday. 
30 Fr. — Zuppke wants more men for football. 

1 Th. 

2 Fr. 

3 Sa. 

4 Su. 

5 Mo. 

6 Tu. 

7 We. 

8 Th. 

9 Fr. 

10 Sa. 

11 Su. 

12 Mo. 

13 Tu. 

14 We. 

15 Th. 

16 Fr. 

17 Sa. 

IS Su. 

19 Mo. 

20 Tu, 

21 We. 

22 Th, 

23 Fr. 

24 Sa. 

25 Su. 

26 Mo. 

27 Tu 

2S We. 

29 Th 



Tsk! Tsk! 

An army sergeant who was attached 
to the Sixth Infantry and wore on 
his left shoulder the red-six-pointed 
star which is the regimental insignia 
of the Sixth was riding on the sub- 
way in New York. On his left 
sleeve were two wound stripes, while 
on his right were his three ser- 
geant's stripes. 

He sat down next to one of those 
kind old ladies who take an interest 
in everything. Soon she had started 
to talk to him and jabbered gaily on 
for quite some time. At last she 
asked, "Would you mind explaining 
what those bits of cloth mean?" 

He replied, "Madam, this star 
means that I'm a married man," 
pointing to the star, "while these," 
pointing to the wound stripes, "mean 
that I have two girl babies in my 
family, and these," pointing to his 
sergeant's chevrons, "mean there are 
three boys." 

A corporal boarded the train here, 
unattached to any unit, wearing on 
his right sleeve his two corporal's 
chevrons, and sat down next to the 
kind old lady. After a few minutes 
hesitation, she saw her duty and did 
it. Leaning over to the corporal, 
she said in regretful tones, "Shame 
on you, soldier boy, shame on you." 


The yoiuig bride of a few months 
dashed into the grocery store and ex- 
claimed, "I want a pound of coiifee 
in the bean." 

"I'm sorry," replied the clerk, "but 
this is the ground floor." 

Perfectly well meaning lady to one 
of Ray Dvorak's tenors (we'd rather 
not say which) : "Thank you so 
much for that song. It took me back 
to my childhood days on the farm 
and when I listened to your singing 
I could hear the dear old gate crealc- 
ing in the wind." 

The Bachelor's Prayer in the Middle of Leapyear 

The menace haunts me day and night, 

I toss and roll and shake with fright 

It takes my appetite away 

Removes the pleasure from my play 

I'd give a fortune, anything, 

(Except O Lord, a wedding ring!) 

To be unhampered, free again, 

I'd give up drinking, even gin 

I'd go my way, no more I'd sin , 

If she would give me back my pin. 

Rushhig Number 


Rushing as it Ain't 

Scene : Kappa Kappa Gamma iiouse. 

Time: Just before dinner, during rushing. 

Characters: Members 1 to 48, inclusive, pledges and 

(As the curtain rises, the doorbell rings, and pledge No. 
1 goes to door. ) 

Pledge No. 1 — Good-evening. You are Miss Rushee 
Noll? Come in and let me introduce you to the girls. 

Rushee No. 1 — Cjood-evening. I am anxious to meet 
the girls. I wonder if they are such snobs as I heard they 

Pledge No. 1— This is Rushee No. 1, Actives Nos. 1 
to 48. (Takes notebook and reads from it.) 

Rushee : 



Business: Bankins. 

Income : 

.$100,900 per year. 

Real estate valued at ^0,000. 

Owns two C'adillaes and a Buick. 


President of Bidawee Bridge Club. 

Women's amateur ehainp, Sunnjside Golf Club. 

Chairman 1932 Charity Ball. 


Histor.v: Made her debut at what the Dowaser 

sa>'s was the smartest party of the season. Has 

been ensased to a eount. Drives a Chrysler 

roadster. Golfs, swims, dances, chews, necks. 

plays bridge and tennis. Complexion yuaran- 

teed not to fade after the first dance. 

Actives — So glad to have you with us, but you should 
have come on time. 

Active No. 1 — I don't suppose you will like us at first, 
we seem rather high-hat, but you will soon get that way 

Rushee — No, I'm afraid I won't, but if I pledge here, 
I'll get used to you. 

Act. No. 2 — Did you say your father's income is 15U 
grand per? Not bad. 

Act. No. 4 — She isn't bad looking, and we can't pass up 
a girl with a family like that. 

Pledge No. 1 — No, I suppose not. You're not such a 
hot looking bunch yourself, but your house has prestige. 

Active No. 5 — You can't date that fellow you were 
with at the Freshman dance any more. He is taboo here. 

(Actives go into a huddle for a few minutes.) 

Pledge master: We liave decided to give you a bid if 
you will pledge .$2,000 for new room furnishings. 

Rushee No. 1 — O. K. I'll do it, but I'll show \ou that 
I can be just as conceited as you can. 

Active No. 6 — Have you danced with No. 9 yet? She's 
terrible. I told her we wouldn't even consider her unless 
she would take dancing lessons. 

Act. No. 7 — ^We must be nice to her though. Her Dad 
is a bootlegger, and we could get her to furnish us with 
hooch for our house dances. 

Act. No. 8 — Yeh, let's get her to pledge three cases of 
Scotch and White Rock for every dance. 

Act. No. 9 — O. K., but someone go dance with that 
vinegar face over by the window. 

Act. No. 14 — That? No, thanks, I got feelings in m\ 

Act. No. 9 — Yeh, but she's got something in her head. 
She made a 5. last semester. We need a few like her to 
bring the house average up. 

Act. No. 14 — AH right, but remember, if she goes below 
a 4.8 we'd better drop her. 

(Dinner Gong) 
Act. No. 17 — Now watch them dash for the dining 
room. And we have to feed this bunch of wet sponges just 
for the sake of some dough, gin, and the house average. 
Exit all.) 

Excerpts from the Orange-and-Blue 
F'eather Exams (True) 

Dean of Men: Harry Chase. 
Honorary Engineering Fraternity: Hcta Theta Pi. 
W. G. S. (which stands for "Woman's Group Sys- 
tem"): Radio Station. 

President of University: Ray Dvorak. 

Oldest building on campus: Prehn's on Green. 

Freshman Woman's Honorary: Mawanda. 

About the Betas Ajjain 

Alpha Chi: Did you hear about the Betas going co- 
educational next year? 

Chi O.: How come? 

Alpha Chi: Well, they're going to pledge some men 
in the Fall. 




On Green street is Prehn's, which 
has a blue sky and a red light, a 
stuffed owl, Dick Cisne, and Satur- 
day night beer drinkers. The head 
waiter's name is Paul. . . . Ou 
Wright street is Hanley's, which is 
called Feetlebaum's by the oldest in- 
habitants, and which has all our best 
people but no stuffed owls. . . . On 
Daniel street is another Prehn's 
which is supposed to be a copy of 
John Gilbert's bedroom. If you can 
stand up in front of a lot of people 
and admit that you like John Gilb^ut 
you will probably like this place. . . . 
On the same street is also the Jack O 
Lantern, Kamerer's, a popcorn stand, 
and the Stadium Tavern which is 
not very intimate. . . . On John 
street is Leonard's which is very in- 
timate and has cheap food, sneak 
dates, and beer labels for decora- 
tion. . . . Over on Oregon is still an- 
other Prehn's which is the stuffed 
owl type only more so, and J. C. s 
which has awnings and fishbowls. . . . 
And it's in these places that the dirt 
as well as cokes are dished out.. 

We Hear 

That Bud Lucas, Sig Alf, is 
housemother to the Sammies this 
year. They have swell meals and he 
has a private bath. . . . That "Dad," 
the starter on the University Pool 
Table Golf Course, is already far in 
the lead in the Twin-City burping 
contest sponsored by the Siren. 

That last year the DAE's had a 
swell party. ... In the basement of 
the castle they had a conventional 
room with one light and many 
davenports. ... As a chaperone they 
had one of the most popular of the 
younger instructors, recently mar- 
ried. ... All went well, everyone 
having a good time with the aid of 
the swell room. . . . Then one of the 
brethern noticed one couple clinching 
a little too long and too near the 
li};ht. ... He sought the chap- 
erones, desiring them to do the 
shoulder-tapping. Nowhere could 
he find them. So he went to do the 

task himself, and . . . 

That Gino Hill of the Gammafi 
apartments took herself on a swim- 
ming party this last summer. She 
lugged her pet bathing cap, sandals, 
blankets, umbrellas, and even a big 
rubber seahorse some forty-odd miles 
to the destined spot. But she had 
forgotten her suit. . . . 

Fun in the Art School 

It's an old custom in the Art 
School to get models from Chicago. 
. . . Not so long ago one came down 
here with swell letters of recom- 
mendation. The day came for her 
to pose. . . . She hopped on the plat- 
form and asked somewhat awkward- 
ly, "Now what do I do?" Some of 
the architects who always insist on 
chiselling into such courses made sug- 
gestions which were not accepted, 
but she finally posed — as best she 
could. . . . The poor guys that hire 
the models seem to have been sucked 
in, for she was only a chambermaid, 
tired of her job, and clever at forg- 
ing letters. But everyone had a 
swell time while it lasted. 


Wot with hearing that Louie Mc- 
Lean, better known as Brother Pup, 
is now taking over some of the an- 
nouncing at our radio station, we are 
reminded of a perfectly grand in- 
cident which occurred not more than 
a few years ago. . . . 

A well known — perhaps we should 
say famous — professor of this cam- 
pus, was supposed to deliver a ten- 
minute speech over aforesaid station. 
He drew out his words to great 
length, read out long lists of pamph- 
lets which the university had pub- 
lished, and finally, when he could 
stall no longer, he said, "Seeing that 
my time is now about up I will con- 
clude." And he did, at the end of 
six minutes. This speech of his was 
followed by the announcer's "Being 
that there are four minutes of time 
remaining, we will play some phono- 
graph records." 

Riis/iiug Number 



Now it can be told. ... It seem.-; 
that one of our better known profs, 
residing in L rbana. was paying a 
short call on a friend in Champaign, 
said friend being a collector of gold- 
fish . . . said friend was also very 
generous, and insisted upon the prof 
taking a few home to the wife and 
kiddies. . . . \ot having to go very 
far the scholar dampened his hand- 
kerchief, placed the fish therein, and 
placed the entire afifair in his pocket. 
. . . He started home. . . . Midway in 
the Forestry, on his way home, he 
begot himself an intense desire to 
blow his nose. He drew forth his 
kerchief, blew, and then suddenly be- 
thought himself of the fish . . . which 
were flipping and flopping madly 
upon mother earth. ... So he hied 
himself down onto his hands and 
knees, lit a match, and began search- 
ing for goldfish . . . when up dashed 
one of the gallant campus wearers of 
the silver star, best known as Be- 
loved Pete. "Here, here!" he cried, 
"what are you doing there?" "I'm 
looking for goldfish," the prof 
honestly replied . . . and just then he 
found one . . . and the mighty brain 
of the campus cop almost cracked 
under the strain. . . . 

This and That 

We often wondered just what fra- 
ternity pins were good for . . . per- 
haps that one will know where to 
take the wearer after he has passed 
out. . . . Then there was the gal who 
was given a free berth in the jail for 
lifting Ghandi's pin . . . and why 
aren't pins worn on neckties and coat 
lapels as they were " 'way back 
when"? ... As Bruce Weirick pro- 
claims, "The coat and pants do all 
the work, but the vest gets all the 
gravy . . . and as this same King of 
the Punsters said, "Style made Oscar 
Wilde and Thornton Wilder" . . . 
think it over. . . . And while we're 
speaking of the faculty, have you 
ever noticed the striking resem- 
blance between Prof. Babbitt and the 
head of the United States Reserve 

Bank? ... The unrelated POP 
house twins. Dalrymple and Minier 
are back again . . . and good old 
George McDevitt's supposed to be at 
Harvard . . . and God's in his 
Heaven . . . and we don't know 
what's wrong with the world. . . . 



There are at least four well 
known brands of dime cigarettes on 
the market now, and four out of five 
will be smoking them now that rush 
week is over, and it is no longer 
necessary to impress the frosh . . . 
can you name the brands, beginning 
with Horses and ending with 
Wings? ... if you can't you're a 
bloated aristocrat. . . . But you can 
still join the new club that one of 
the Pi Kappa Phi's started. ... He 
calls it the "Miss America" club, and 
its aim is to provide certain articles 
of wearing apparel to hang on the 
Lucky Strike billboards . . . membi-r- 
ship two-bits, care of this maga- 
xine. . . . 

Our Platform 

We recommend . . . that Oscar 
Zilch replace John Doe as the great 
American nonentity . . . the abolition 
of blind dates . . . although it will 
be tough on many ... a reduction in 
the number of fraternities . . . every 
day a holiday . . . more Profs with 
a sense of humor, be it ever so dr\ 
. . . that Illinois cling to the few 
traditions which it has kept . . . they 
seem to mean more than anything 
else after one's been around here a 

The Schoolmarm In\asion 

Barring the schoolmarm invasion 
summer school was disgustingly 
normal. . . . Some of the little 
teachers made a swell first impres- 
sion. . . . Some could even dance. . . . 
But they all got that "I'll slap your 
wrist" attitude at some time or other. 
... Or told one how much trouble 
they had with the Wilkin's kid. . . . 
(Continued on Page 21) 




The bishop of London says that 
while he was in America he learned 
to say "Step on the gas" to his 
chauffeur, but that he did not have 
the courage to say to the Archbishop 
of Canterbury, "O. K., Chief." 

And then there's that story from 
the New Yorker of the demon taxi- 
driver who was whizzing about New 
York, beating red lights, grazing 
traffic signs, grazing safety zones, 
grazing busses. A cop halted him. 
Deliberately he took a big handker- 
chief from his pocket. "Listen, cow- 
boy," he said, "on your way back I'll 
drop this, an' see if you can pick it 
up wit' your teeth." And with this 
he motioned him on. 

"Albert, bring that new radiator 
ornament along, I forgot to buy a 
bridge prize again!" 

Absent-minded dentist (extracting 
a nail from a tire) : "Quiet now. 
You won't feel this." 

"Would you marry for money, 

"I don't know, but I have a 
sacred wish that Cupid might shoot 
me with a Pierce-Arrow." 

The gag about the radiator cap a 
few lines back reminds one of 
friend Jones. He knows nothing of 
art. One radiator cap looks just like 
another to him. 

"You must wake and call me 
early, call me early, mother dear." 

That was often said to mothers by 
the girls of yesteryear. 

But the girls now tell their 
maters, as they start for a spin: 

"You must wake up early, mother, 
someone's got to let me in." 

First Collegian: "Jiggers, here 
comes a speed cop." 

Second Delt: "Quick, hang out 
the Notre Dame pennant." 

The result of some intensive rushing done 
by the military department 

"Can 1 help you start your car? I 
know a lot about that make." 

"Well, whisper it. There are 
ladies present." 


A polecat is much prettier than an 
Angora cat, but handsome is as hand- 
some does. 


A flea and an elephant were cross- 
ing a bridge. When they reached 
the other side the flea said, "Big boy, 
we sure did shake that thing, didn't 


Squire Perkins: "Nell, after 1 
die, 1 wish you would marry Deacon 

Nell: "Why so, Hiram?" 
Hiram: "Well, the deacon trim- 
med me on a horse trade once." 

— U'ashingtoti Columns. 

Some girls let a fool kiss them; 
others let a kiss fool them. 

Usher at wedding to cold, digni- 
fied lady: "Are you a friend of the 
groom ?" 

The lady: "Indeed, no, 1 am the 
bride's mother." 

vou .' 

Does your husband always lie to 

"No. some nights I'm too tired to 
ask questions." 

Constable: "Let me see your 
driving license." 

Co-ed : "Well, as a matter of 
fact, officer, I don't happen to have 
it with me, but if it will save you 
any bother 1 can assure you that it's 
very much like any other old driving 

"Help your wife," says the Good 
Housekeeping, "when she mops up 
the floor, mop up the floor with her." 

Of course, you've heard of the 
Scotchman whose girl got so fat that 
he wanted to break the engagement, 
but she couldn't get the ring off so 
he married her. 


A college stew (writing home) : 
"How do you spell 'financially?' " 

Second D. U. : "F-i-n-a-n-c-i-a-1- 
1-y, and there are two R's in 'em- 
barrassed.' " 

Rushing Number 



(Free Adv.) 

"I'm going to Burnham tomorrow 
for an operation." 

"Good luck, old man, I hope 
everything comes out all right." 

Ticket taker at the Virginia: 
"Say, come back ! Dogs are not al- 
lowed in here, sir." 

Ken Holt: "That's not m\' dog." 

TT : "Not your dog! Why. he's 
following you." 

KH : "^Vell, so are \ou. " 


"Yes, ma'm, both of us twins were 
called Henry, except John, and he 
was called Paul." 

An insurance company issued a life 
policy in the name of John Brown. 
For several years premiums were 
promptly paid, then they suddenly 
stopped. After sending a few de- 
linquent notices, the company re- 
ceived this note : 

Dear Sir: Please excuse us as we 
can't pay any more premiums on 
John. He died last April. Yours 
truly, Mrs. J. Brown. 

"Daddy, a boy at school today told 
me I looked just like you." 
"And what did you say, son?" 
"Nothing, he was bigger 'n me." 

She: "That was some party you 
held last night." 

He: "I'll say so! She must have 
weighed all of a hundred and eighty 

The reason the Facult>' had to 
stop the honor system at the Uni- 
versity was because the Profs had all 
the honor and ni- had all the sys- 

Hank Avery: "How old would a 
person be who was born in 1898?" 

McDevitt, good old George: 
"Man or woman?" 

Hob Stiven: "My girl got her nose 
broke in three places." 

Second Beta: "She should have 
kept out of those places." 

Friend (visiting at Burnham lios- 
pital): "Do you know, old man. 
that's a swell looking nurse you've 

Patient: "I hadn't noticed." 

Friend: "Good grief. I had no 
idea you were so sick!" 


Watson : "How do you know 
there's been a picnic here?" 

Holmes: "I see by the papers." 

No, Aloysius, the fact that a girl 
runs around a lot doesn't necessarily 
mean that she's chaste. 

— NorlhiLCSlcrn Purple Parrot. 

Southern Hospitality 

"Won't you have lynching with 
me tomorrow?" suggested the 
Georgia colonel to the negro prisoner. 
— Washington Columns. 

"If I were as clever as you are, I 
would be writing for the Siren." 
"And if you were as smart, you would 
be wearing clothes from Kaufman s." 



But Don't Go Near 
the Water 

Mother : Janet ! 

Janet: Yes, mother? 

Mother: You're leaving for Illi- 
nois next week, dear. 

Janet : Yes, mother. 

Mother: You know how I want 
you to act there, don't you? 

Janet : Yes, mother. 

Mother : You heard all about 
Kathryn Washburn, didn't you, 

Janet : Yes, mother. 

Mother: How she was rushed 
everything, but turned down all the 
sororities because she didn't want her 
morals to be ruined ? 

Janet : Yes, mother. 

Mother: And how she never 
smoked or drank, or went out with 
those college men ? 

Janet: Yes, mother. 

Mother: And are you going to do 
as Kathryn did, dear? 

Janet: No, mother. 

Mother: That's right, darling, 
and be sure to be nice to all the 
sorority girls you meet. 

Janet: Yes, mother. 

Carl Chase, touring: "This seems 
to be a very dangerous precipice. It's 
a wonder they don't put uji a warn- 
ing sign." 

Native: "\es, it is dangerous, but 
they kept a warning sign up for two 
years and no one fell over, so it was 
taken down. " 

Two sorority women, discussing a 
third Theta : "There's one thing 
you can't deny about her — she's out- 

Other KAT: "Not by anybody I 
know of." 


Don Hoebel ( who was a shoe 

clerk once) : "What size shoe do 
you wear?" 

L nidentified member of the ad. 

staff: "Well, seven is my size, but 

eights are so comfortable I wear 

On How to Get a Cherry Out of the 
Bottom of a Glass 

1. Sinuously push your spoon down through the myriad 
particles of ice and fruit skins toward the cherry. Having 
reached the bottom of the, give aforementioned spoon 
a forward shove. This will cause much of the ice to jump 
out of the glass on to the floor. Disregard that. Next, 
have the spoon approach the cherry cautiously, so as not to 
arouse the cherry's suspicions. Then make a sudden lurch. 
If you have not the cherry by this time, try the following: 

2. Drink the lemonade, orangeade, limeade, coke, or 
whateverthahell is in the glass. Then take each piece of ice 
out of the glass, individually. Next, thrust your two longest 
fingers down among the fruit-peelings and work around 
until you encounter the cherry. After you have squashed 
the cherry beyond recognition, you iii/iy get it out. If not, 
try the following: 

3. Eat all the fruit-skins in the glass. Then turn the 
glass upside down with the mouth toviching your lips. Give 
the bottom of the glass a healthy tap. The cherry will prob- 
ably bounce out on your nose and land on the floor. If not, 
and it still remains in the glass, try the following: 

4. Hreak the glass. Somewhere among the shattered 
pieces, you will find the cherry. 

Rushing Number 


HEN you come right down to it . . . mildness is the 
most important thing about a cigarette. For it means 
the definite absence of everything harsh or irritating. 
Try Chesterfields today. . . and you'll discover the word 
mildness and the word Chesterfield mean exactly the 
same thing. They always satisfy. . . because they're milder. 

© 1932, Liggett & Myers Tobacco Co. 



NiTA rahe-K 

It isn't the original cost, it's the pup-keep 

((Continued from Page 4) 

Dear Susie : 

What nonsense are you talking? What kind of a pin 
is a Ki Cy pin? Maw and I never heard tell of it afore. 
And what kind of work was thet which you had to do to 
get it? 

May and me are driving down tomorrey to see what 
you mean about this eloping business. No dater of mine is 
going gallavanting off with no city slicker. I think I will 
heve to give you a rite smart whaleing. 



As a Senior 

All O. K. Please send thirty dollars. 

Dear Susie: 

Maw and I wish you would write more often and tell 
more gossip about yerself. Be good and don't get any funny 
notions like you did 'bout thet Ki Cy feller last year. 

The crops are coming up right pert, but a might of rain 
would help. 

Maw and Brother and I will be up to school for 




The telegraph office down on Green Street boasts 
efficiency "par excellence." They have an abundance of 
ready-made messages which they place beneath the glass- 
tops of the desks whereon you write. When you wish to 
let the folks at home know that you have arrived safe and 
sound, after your Autumn trip back to Chambana, all you 
have to do is choose one of the little sentiments and sign 
your name. Two or so hours later, ( it depends on the 
temperament of the delivery boy), the ones you have left 
behind will be cheered by your message. (Depending on 
which you choose) : 

1. Back safe. Bought my books and am already at 
work. Love to Papa. (Mama, Mabel, Auntie Sara.) 

2. Send twenty dollars at once. Need books. 

3. Am holding down your booth in Prehn's. 

4. Keep away from her. She has my pin now. 

5. Say hello to the boys (girls, kiddies.) 

6. Take care of yourselves. Don't do anything I 
would do. 

7. Somehow, last semester's marks prevent me from 
registering. Is there job at home? 

8. Tuition check no good. Send cash. 

Don't Miss 



We Deliver 


Make a habit of stopping after the show or dance 
Give your date a treat 

Neil and Green Streets 


Phone 2831 

Rushing Number 


It must be embarrassing tor those 
ten men who could understand the 
old Einstein theory, to read in all the 
papers that it was all wrong. 

— Cornell JVidoiv. 

"Hey!" cried Satan to the new ar- 
rival, "you act as if you owned this 

"I do. My wife gave it to me." 
— Drexerd. 

Stranger: I represent a society 
for the suppression of profanity. I 
want to take profanity entirely out 
of your life and — 

Jones: Hey, mother. Here's a 
man who wants to buy our car. 

— Lafayette Lyre. 

"You tickle me, Freddie." 
"Gee, what a strange request." 
— Texas Ranger. 


Those you've wanted to own — 
buy them now at one dollar — good 
bindings — attractive covers — ex- 
cellent paper and printing. 

Hudreds of Them 
Some Are Illustrated 





iOI South Mathews 

610 East Uaniel 

Absent-minded sales girl (as date 
kisses her goodnight) : Will that be 
all? — Texas Battalion. 

That Couple Off in the Comer 

What everyone thinks they are 
saying: "Sweetheart, I'll promise to 
love you for ever and ever." 

What they are saying: "Yeah, 
history is hard, but I think economics 
is harder." — Cornell Widoii\ 

It seems there is some minute dis- 
crepancy as to whether or not. Yet 
it may be added that if. And then 
again, if so, why not? 


Simile: as scarce as people on the 
campus who aren't selling things. 

Asking a modern girl for a kiss is 
like sneaking in a speakeasy and ask- 
ing for a Coca-Cola. 

— Alabama Rammer-Jammer. 


The Campus Center for Fine 
Stationery, Picture Framing, 
Greeting Cards, Gifts, Supplies 


At Campus — 709 South Wright 



Advice to the Shopworn 

Conducted jar the Poor Saps Who Want to Make Their House 

Dear Question Box: 

I am a blonde, baby-taced Freshman of 18. I want to 
make the Chi O's. How can 1 dn it? 

Answer : 

Dear Alice: I?e difficult, Alice, be difficult. 

? ? ? 

Dear Question Box: I am kind of smart, not exactly 
pretty, but I wear the nicest clothes they have in the mail 
order catalog. My paw has lots of money. He is the banker 
at Pumpkin center, that is he was until the bank closed. 
He also runs the store there — "Eli Elton's Emporium" is 
the name of it. He's the Mayor too. He was elected 15 
years ago, and since then they haven't been able to collect 
enough taxes to have another election, so Pa is still actin' 
as mayor. Pa is the tax collector too. 

Maw, she's the leader of society there. She's President 
of the Ladies Missionary Society. They have to let her be 
president because she is the only woman in town whose 
parlor will hold all the church women. There are fifteen 
of 'em all together, countin' Emma Heinsburger, but she 
don't get there often on account of her old man is crazy 
and she dasn't leave him alone. 

I've always been poplar with the fellers too. I've had 
three steady beaus all ready, and could of had another — 
Hiram Felder — but Pa wouldn't let me go with him be- 
cause his old man is a bootlegger, and it might of ruined the 
family socially for me to be seen out with him. 

So you see. Pa and Ma and me is all well bred folks 
and up in society, not just common country folks like you 
might think. And when I decided to go to college. Pa said 
he wanted me to be poplar and I could join one of them 
sororities if I wanted. Course I wanted to belong to the 
best and maybe you can help me to be poplar so Pa and Ma 

will read about me in the lUini Weekly. 

Thank you for your trouble. 

HiLn.A L.AZELLA Eltox. 
Answer : 

Dear Hilda: I'm sure you will be a wow on our cam- 
pus. I would advise you to go 'West Ressy with the rest of 
the pikers and wait your turn. Meanwhile, as Abe and I 
always say, study and prepare yourself, and some day youi' 
chance will come. 

? ? ? 
Dear Question Box: 

I don't want to be a wall flower any more. I know that 
I don't have B. O. (body odor), halitosis (unpleasant 
breath), domestic hands (I use Lux), dull, sparkleless eyes 
(I use Murine), tar stained teeth (use Pebeco) or house- 
maids knee ( I have a new Johnson's electric floor mop — 
send for a free catalog). 

I took ten lessons in French. One night at a dinner 
party, I spoke to the v\aiter in French. They threw me out 
of the restaurant, and told me to never come back when I 
was drunk. 

I also took a course in ten easy piano lessons. I practised 
a lot. One night at a party, I planned to perform and siu- 
prise everyone. They laughed when I sat down at the piano 
— darn those form-fitting dresses. 

All my efforts have been hopeless, I am still unpopular. 
Now I am anxious to join a good sorority. Won't you 
please tell me how I can make one? 

Betty Good. 
Answer : 

Dear Betty: Meet me in Hanley's, second booth on the 
right, at 4 this afternoon. I'll introduce you to the Presi- 
dent of the Philatelic Club — that's about your speed. 
■9 9 9 

Advice to Gold Diggers: Take well before shaking. 

Rushing Number 


( (joiiliniii il fi(j/ii P(ii/c Ij) 

Oh hell! . . . Some were very, very 
wicked ami smoked in Prehn's and 
Feetlebaum's. . . . Cithers, more dar- 
ing spiked an occasional beer. . . . 
Others spiked many beers. . . . (Others 
were notably absent or had all the 
earmarks of a first-class binge on the 
first morning of classes. 

Distinctive Character 
and Bathtubs 

We always knew that college 
towns were different, but we never 
knew what made them so until we 
read "Problems of City Govern- 
ment" by one Rowe, which says on 
the top of page 93 "Finally, the 
elimination of all debasing influences 
completes the group of factors which 
give to the university sections of 
American cities their distinctive char- 
acter." Smart people, these political 

There was at one time a veritable 
"400" at Illinois, but all this has 
changed. It no longer requires 
social prestige to move in the best 
circles. A pint of bathtub gin will 
produce the same effect. 

About this time of the year we 
think of that historic telegram which 
Pom Sinnock sent his folks when he 
was a Freshman: "WAS ASKED 

Babies and Betas 

Which strangely enough reminds 
us of a reiterated phrase from Aldous 
Huxley's "Brave New World" — 
"There was a pause; then the voice 
began again, 'I'm so glad I'm a 
Beta.' " 

There is another passage in the 
same book which doesn't sound as 
completely contented, and we believe 
it entitles some one to a picture in 
Believe It or Not, or at least an 
honorable mention in Thorne King's 
"Turnabout," as follows: "And I 
ic'tis so ashamed. Just think of it: 
me, a Beta — having a baby : put 
yourself in my place. . . . Though it 
wasn't my fault, I swear ; because I 
still don't know how it happened !" 












moving in the hest circles" 



The Cinemagraph 


What happens when a college 
band leader breaks into the big- 
time racket? "Crooner," opening on 
September 29 for a three-day run is 
based on the lives and loves of just 
such popular entertainers at the night 
clubs. David Manners, as the 
crooner, rises to fame through a 
lucky break, but his tough luck is all 
his own fault. One learns from this 
show that crooning isn't all fan 
mail and evening gowns. Ann 
Dvorak plays the crooner's sweet- 

George Arliss, the only actor we've 
never heard the students give the 
bird — incidentally — is starred in "A 
Successful Calamity," beginning 
October 2. He who would teach 
Helen Wills how to wear a monocle 
and to play contract in return for 
tennis lessons, here plays the part of 
a millionaire tired of the social life 
which his position entails. How he 
fakes failure in order to win back 
his family, and turns this same failure 
into a financial success makes a rip- 
ping good story. 

^•larlene Dietrich, the "Blonde 
Venus," begins a four-day run in the 
picture of that same name on Octo- 
ber 9. This is the dramatic story of 
how she is forced to flee from a Park 
Avenue apartment to a second-rate 
Baltimore hotel — to a rooming 
house in Norfolk — then to a dive in 
New Orleans . . . until love over- 
takes her. It's the paradoxical story 
of a woman who offered a man her 
love as a part of a bargain, but then 
withheld it because it was real. Mar- 
lene Dietrich triumphs again in her 
fifth starring vehicle. 

The much-touted show "700,000 
Witnesses" starts a three-day run on 
the 13th, and will make a swell 
Homecoming show. This will prob- 
ably be the most unique and hard-to- 
figure-out murder mystery that 
you've ever seen. When the flash 
halfback staggers and drops dead 
while he's making what would have 
been a winning run, something must 

be wrong! There is. And strange 
as this mystery is, it's entirely plausi- 
ble. Think you can figure it out? 
We'll offer you good odds that you 
can't — at least before the picture 
shows you how it was done! It 
features Phillips Holmes, Dorothy 
Jordan, Charlie Ruggles and Johnny 
Mack Brown. 


Among the shows coming to the 
R. K. O. Virginia in the near future 
is "Divorce in the Family," a drama 
of divorce and its effect upon chil- 
dren of disrupted families and 
wrecked homes. It's abounding in 
comedy amidst tense human interest 
sequences. Jackie Cooper, diminui- 
tive hero of "The Champ" plays the 
central, with Lewis Stone as his 
father and Conrad Nagel as the 
stepfather. Interesting locations with 
a scientist's camp in an Indian settle- 
ment, thrills of a boat wreck on a 
river and other interesting details 
are seen in the production. 

Then there's the ever-popular 
Doug Fairbanks starred in "Mr. 
Robinson Crusoe," a jazzed-up ver- 
sion of Defoe's famous classic. Doug 
plays the part of a young sportsman 
who, on a bet, undertakes to dupli- 
cate the life of the famous story- 
book character. As is to be expected, 
he does far more than this. Most of 
this picture was made on the island 
of Tahiti, and more than once the 
natives taking parts in the picture 
refused to accept pay for it, on the 
ground that they had so much fun 
they just couldn't accept money for 

Following this comes "Okay 
America," with Lew Ayres, who 
enacts the part of a "chatter writer" 
who often brings consternation to in- 
discreet Broadwayites who stray from 
the straight and narrow path, and 
who supplements his activities with 
radio broadcasts, detailing the minor 
transgressions of various people in the 
public eye. But it is when he inter- 
feres with the activities of kidnapping 
gangsters that the columnist en- 

counters serious trouble and the 
picture comes to a climax in a 
tragedy that is said to be so unex- 
pected as to leave the audience 

The screen production of Fannie 
Hurst's famous serial novel "Back 
Street" is also coming, featuring 
John Boles and Irene Dunne. 
You've all probably read this story 
of a woman who was willing to. give 
everything to a man who could give 
her no more than access to the back 
streets of his public life. The picture 
will grip you just as did the story. 

"Age of Consent" is a college 
picture that is genuinely refreshing 
and different. There are no football 
games, no sweatered romeos — it is 
nothing less than a truthful depiction 
of the deeper campus life, with its 
budding romances, its frustrations, 
noble resolves and immature nib- 
blings at forbidden joys. Dorothy 
Wilson, the sensational new find who 
rose from a stenographer's position 
in the studios, plays the lead, op- 
posite Richard Cromwell. 


This theatre is still following its 
old policy of giving first-rate pictures 
a second run, in order that its audi- 
ences can see those that they've 
missed. The pictures and dates are: 
September 26-27, Warren William 
and Guy Kibbee in "The Dark 
Horse"; 29-30, "Love is a Racket," 
with Douglas Fairbanks Jr. and 
Frances Dee; October 1, Jack Holt 
in "Maker of Men"; 2, James 
Cagney and Marion Nixon in 
"Winner Take All"; 3-4, "Strange 
Case of Clara Deane," with Wynne 
Gibson and Pat O'Brien; 6-7, Ed- 
mund Lowe and Constance Cum- 
mings in "Attorney for the De- 
fense" ; 9, George Bancroft and 
Wynne Gibson in "Lady and Gent"; 
10-11, Richard Arlen in "Touch- 
down"; 12-13, Richard Dix in "The 
Lost Squadron"; and on October 14, 
Tallulah Bankhead, Paul Lukas and 
Charles Bickford in "Thunder 

Riisluuii N limber 


IlHo Crashes Through 

Imagine the surprise of John 
Rochester Ramcy, Phi Pi Phi, when 
he discoved a dark and handsome 
stranger with smartly trimmed 
mustachios masquerading under his 
name in the w. k. Illio grad section. 
And feature Lewis Fred Conkh'n's 
(Ilus) amazement to find an equally 
strange blond's visage in place of his 
own. Someone certainly must have 
been feeling playful, or else it was 
the engraver. (It is always ethical 
in lit'ry circles to blame everything 
on the engraver). Even their ac- 
tivities were mixed. Is nothing 
sacred to the Law, we ask plain- 

And of course you read in the 
papers where Heaven's gift to the 
mini co-ed, our Football Captain 
and almost movie hero, Gil Berry, 
has with the co-operation of lovely 
little Winnie Flint, Pierrot Beauty 
Queen, committed matrimony. Ah 
me! So much good looks in one 
family ! 

We heard in Summer School that 
Gayle DuBois, the little "southern" 
girl from Carbondale, 111., had 
Gretna Greened it with Bill Mad- 
den, Zeta Psi. Bill was such a com- 
fort to us in the good old days; if 
we got ourselves into a so-called pipe 
course and found Bill still in it at 
the end of the week, then we knew 
that it was a sure nuff pipe. 

July Nights 

Mort Wilbur, aspiring leader of 
the Barbs, with his backless shirt . . . 
Chuck Frederick dancing with 
closed eyes at one of the Summer 
Prom committee's mixers . . . Bob 
Little dancing with his eyes wide 
open . . . Chuck Logan dancing with 
the Pify . . . and Chuck getting to 
look more and more like his police 
pup every day . . . this same Chuck 
along with Dangerous Dan McGrew 
and Little Willie Jacobs, the apart- 
ment boys, "socializing" — it up dur- 
ing the summer . . . Mike Halloran 
doing his haj'wire dance at every 

The Cineniajority Go to the 





Starting Sunday, October 2 

George Arliss 




Marlene Dietrich in "Blond Venus" 

"70,000 Witnesses" 

Harold Lloyd in "Movie Crazy" 










T h c SIREN 



Speedometers, Generator and 
Starter Repairing 


Clements Battery 
& Electric Co. 

307 South Neil Street, Champaign 
Phone 3883 

'nature in the rough 
is seldom mild" — 


made by 


(On John Street) 

are retouched 

brawl he attended during the sum- 
mer . . . the truly deserted appear- 
ance of the South Campus . . . and 
just when Pete was off duty . . . the 
Gammafi apartmenters m a k i n g 
whoops . . . the ChiO apartmenters 
making whoops ... all apartmenters 
making whoops . . . Tex Brogden's 
famous remark that Summer School 
reminded him of the wrapping 
counter in a grocery store because 
of the great number and variety of 
bags. . . . 

Pre- Rushing Returners 

Sam Hill and Ernie Useman 
bridging in Prehn's and giving all the 
passing femmes the eyes . . . Bob 
Dwyer of the W. G. C. D. with a 
swell operation scar that is so long 
. . . Dorsey Connors back with a 
new paint job . . . Otto Willett hop- 
ping from a cab after a short spin 
out to California . . . where Jane did 
some Fauntzy diving in the Olym- 
pics . . . the Pi K A's out looking 
for a beer and a late date . . . Frink 
and Horsley trying to sell coffee . . . 
and their teammate Root playing 
night tennis with one of the swellest 
female players we have ever saw . . . 
and that ain't sarcasm neither. . . . 

Avery the Fishman 

Kept out of Law school by the g. d. 
depression we found Hank Avery, 
former editor of the Siren parked in 
his favorite booth in Prenzongreen 
with that far-off look in his eye. . '. . 
There are rumors that he has a 
really swell job somewhere in the 
offing, mebbe. . . . 

The Month's Worst Pun 

The two almost-co-eds were dis- 
cussing soaps. "And why, I wonder," 
said Sue, "do they call it Lava 

"Ah," replied the other, "because 
they use it in the lavatory." 

The October SIREN 

Homecoming Number 

The Mauve Decade 
at Illinois 


Coke 'n Smoke Dirt 

Report on 
'Miss America Club" 

Campus Calendar 






Kor Oiif Vfar and One I'ull 
Year of 


Or Nine Months Subscription 




S Big Issues ^X 00 




1 Illinois Union BIdg. 

1 Champaign, 111. 


1 The offei 

I wish to 


is marked. 

My check is enclosed. j 

1 n THE 
1 Both One \ 


ear $2.70 


One Year $1.00 One Year j 


Nine Months $2.70 j 


Street -- . _ . . i 




State ! 

1 ^1 


NEVER Parched . never Toasted 


are aliivays 

SWITCH to Camels and learn 
the mildness of a fresh, 
cool-burning cigarette. A blend 
of choice Turkish and mellow, 
sun-ripened Domestic tobac- 
cos, Camels are never parched 
or toasted. That's why we say 
smoke them for one day, then 
leave them — if you can. 

R. J. Reynolds Tobacco Company 
Winston-Salem, N. C. 

Don't remove the Camel Humidor Pack — it is pro:ection 
agJimt perfume and powder odors, dust and germs. 
Buy Camels by the carton for home or office. The 
Humidor Pack keeps Camels fresh 

@ 1932. R.J. Reynolds Tobacco Company 


•^«r » '' 



Homecoming Dance 



and his 





at the 


The Best Place in the Twin Cities 

Friday and Saturday Dances Every Week 

Homecoming Number 

Full House 

Mr. I'olcy: I want \oii to insert 
a notice, of the birtli of my twins. 

Reporter: Will you repeat that, 

•Mr. Polcy: Not if I know it. 
— Biircmiccr. 


Her father was just a failure, but 
boy, what a bust. — loo Doo. 


Voice from passing auto: Engine 
trouble. Bud? 

Voice from parked car : No. 
Voice from P. A.: Tire down? 
Voice from P. C. : Didn't have 

to. Mut/lVUIIlp. 

S ^ 

(^Id lady (to street car motor- 
man) : "Please, Mr. Motorman, will 
I get a shock if I step on the track?" 

Motorman: "No, lady. Not un- 
less you put your other foot on the 
trolley wire." 

— Williti/ii's Pur pic Coiv. 
■ S 

M\ end draws near, said the 
wrestler as his opponent bent him 
double. — B/iif (jutor. 

He: "Do you love me?" 

She: "I love everybody." 

He: "Let God do that; we should 
specialize." — Jl'idon.-. 


Fully Satisfied 

"Need any money?" 


"Need a drink?" 


"Need my tux?" 


"Need my car?" 


"Why not?" 

"Took castor oil." — Do Do. 

"Say, do you think it will be all 
right if I ask Jane for a kiss to- 

"You don't order rootbeer in a 
speakeasy, do you?" — Oicl. 

City Slicker: Are those cows? 

Fanner Brown: Yes sir. 

City Slicker: Pretty, aren't they? 

Farmer Brown : Not unless you're 
a bull, mister. — Pitt Panthir. 

Many a motorist has put a poor 
girl back on her feet. 

— H'estcrn Reserve Red Ctit. 


"I've learned," said Sarcofa Gus, 
the boy wonder, "that you can't eat 
\()ur garlic and still have it." 

— Cornell College Ollapod. 


"This is going to be stunning," 
said the iron worker as he slipped on 
the twelfth story. 

— Ohio State Sun Dial. 

Snob: "I don't associate with my 
inferiors, do you?" 

Other girl: "1 don't know, 1 
never met any of your inferiors." 
— Reseri'e Ret (Jnt. 


"A little bit of this goes a long 
way, " said the stenographer as she 
.spit her gum out of the forty-second 
story window. 


Ringmaster: "Who broke that 

Acrobat: "I did. Mister, with ni\ 
little acts." 


"Joe is the worst bridge fiend 1 

"Yeah, he even walks with a 

She (suspiciously) : "You certain- 
1\ don't act like I am the first girl 
you ever kissed." 

He (suspiciously): "How do you 

"You say he alwa\s marries for 

money .' 

"Yeah, he's a minister." 
S "It is triplets, sir." 
Father: "I can hardly belie\e my 
o«n census!" 

Then there was the man who 
didn't mind looking after the horses, 
but objected to being called a hostler, 
so they called him a stabilizer. 


"I hurt my crazy-bone!" 
"What's the matter — bump \'our 


R. O. T. C. officer (to student) : 
"Well, speak up. How do you want 
your uniform, too large or too 


"Have you ever had a lesson by 
correspondence ?" 

"Yes. I ne\er write to girls any- 

One: "Shall we toiu' Europe in 
our Ford this summer?" 

The other: "Naw, them Frogs 
and Huns wouldn't understand the 
jokes on it." 


A highbrow is one who pretends to 
know whether the dancer is inter- 
preting a moonbeam or a cow an- 
no\ed by hornets. 

"I shall never do anything finer 
than that," exclaimed the artist as 
he displa\ed his latest painting. 

His friend replied, "Cheer up, old 
man; don't give up hope!" 

Co-ed: I think I ought to go 
home now. 

B. F.: What? While the eve- 
ning is still a pup? 


S I R E N 'S 

Homecoming Number 

Homecoming Number 

Volume XXIII, Homecomano Number Octorer, 1932, No. 2 

t'ARl, J. niESER : Editor-in-Chi,-; 

WILLIAM A. ZOELLER .". Business Manayer 

EniTORiAi. Staff 

Odiuilil F. Mulvihill Issociate Editor 

Wilfred J. Brogden Offirr Manaijir 

CJerald McGrcw John La Sell 

Carl Foreman 

Nita Ramey If Oman's Editor 

Miriam Van Buskirk Exi/iani/f Editor 

Betty Jane Kendall Shirley Day 

Lucille Cole Winnie Haslam 

Lillian Stantnrd 

Lynn Pierce ^rt Editor 

Jane Faiintz -Issoiiate Art Editor 

n. M. Meskimen Issislanl .Irl Editor 

H. Samuel Kruse Ted Parmelee 

Evelyn Lantz Florentia Metzger 

Adeline Cross Julie McHalc 

Bctt> Ross 

Business Staff 

Diinald Faulkner Id-vrrtisini) Manager 

II. H. Otten Assistant .Idvi-rlisin// Manaijfr 

i larley Stiehl Cir( illation Manayir 

Murray Shrader (^opy Manayir 

Elaine Oeidell Office Manayer 

Shelby Simmons Collection Manayer 

Betty (Joby, Doris Frazin, Seymour Hershnian, Lillian Saltzman 

Published monthly bj' the Illini Publishing Company, University of Illi- 
nois, durinji the college year. Entered as second-class matter at the 
Post-Office at Ui-bana, Jllinois. by act of Congress, March J, l,S/9. 
Office of publication. Illini Publishing ("omp;niy. Subscription price 
$1.00 the year. Address all communications, Illinois Union Building. 
Champaign. Illinois. Copyright. 1932, by The Siren. Kxclusive reprint 
right granted to QsllgeHumOr magazine. 


The Mauve Decade at Illinois 

As Told By 

E M E R Y 


HALL '94 

It's about this time of the year that one finds little 
groups of alums forming on street corners and around fire- 
places — telling story after story of 'way back when. We've 
heard them for three years now, and decided to get to the 
bottom of the matter by playing Diogenes, finding an honest 
old grad, and learning what really happened in the gay '90's. 
Emery Stanford Hall, now a state architectural examiner, 
once told us this story, and with his permission we're pass- 
ing it on. — Ed. note. 

While the students of the University today may not 
differ materially from those of nearly forty years ago, their 
contacts and experiences are naturally different from those 
they would have had in an age of mule-drawn cars, celluloid 
collars, club-headed canes and flowing beards. I remember 
the first morning that I attended chapel — which was then 
held in the east wing of Uni Hall on the second floor — at 
that time the President arose and announced very gravely 
that the University had reached the astounding proportions 
of nearly five hundred students! That was in 1889, when 
I entered as a "prep," or sub-undergraduate in the academy, 
which had its class rooms in the basement of Uni Hall, 
which was the University at this time. Regular classes 
were taught on the second and third floors, while the liter- 
ary societies, which ruled the campus — had their rooms on 
the fourth floor. 

There were corn fields all about what now comprises 
the campus, and paved streets were unheard of. This was 
before the time of trolley cars, but we had a University 
Route car — two of them, as a matter of fact — and both 
pulled by mules. The drivers suited the cars perfectly. 
One was an old cynic, the other a jolly fellow; both were 
heavily bearded. These cars followed the old Boneyard 
route to downtown Champaign, crossing the little stone 

bridge that still stands on the northwest corner of the park 
on Second street. 

It was a common occurrence for these cars to become 
so crowded with students that additional passengers were 
forced to climb on the roof. More than once one of these 
passengers rolled of? the front of the car down between the 
mules, but no one was ever hurt, as the wheels were so 
large that the car passed right over them. 

There was a story current when I was a student that 
one night one of the cars was packed to standing capacity 
when it went off the track just as it was passing over a small 
embankment. It rolled down, ending with its wheels in 
the air. It was claimed that the students were so tightly 
packed that not a man even as much as fell down. 

During every man's senior year he was required to give 
his "senior oration" in the chapel. It was one of these that 
started the brief but hectic careers of the color rushes. As 
each class entered the University, it chose a set of colors 
which would be \vorn by the class for the next four years, 
by the girls as a sort of decoration on their shirtwaists, and 
by the men loosely knotted through the buttonholes of their 
lapels. It was an unheard of thing for the members of one 
class to wear the colors of another, but one of the seniors 
must have heard of the idea somewhere, for when he de- 
livered his oration, he wore the freshman colors in his 

Homecoming Numher 

Not a person stiireJ dming the entire oration. There 
was brief applause at its conclusion, then e\eryone filed out. 
As soon as the speaker stepped into the hallway a dozen 
freshmen pounced upon him, tore off their colors, and pro- 
ceeded to gi\e him a licking. Then some seniors dashed to 
his rescue, some freshmen jumped to their classmates' rescue 
— and in less than two minutes L ni Hall was a seething 
mass of tangled arms and legs, from the fouith floor to the 
ground outside. 

One bulky senior had just whipped a group of frosh, 
and was dashing out of the south entrance of L'ni when he 
spied another. He made a flying tackle at him, downed 
him, and was just going to administer a little iiunishment, 
when a pair of arms caught him around the waist and began 
to pull him off. Without looking up, he turned around, 
butted the would-be rescuer in the stomach, downed him, 
and was just getting ready to bounce his head on the ground 
when he became aware of a long beard in his face. He 
looked up at the face of his opponent — his geology pro- 

The senior gave a gasp, dashed to the registrar's office, 
got a transcript of his credits, telegraphed them to Harvard, 
hopped the first train east, and graduated with flying colors 
— the Harvard colors. . . . But the sequel to the story is 
more interesting, if not so exciting. The fellow returned 
after his graduation, to take graduate work under this same 
professor. Neither ever said a word concerning the escapade 
until one afternoon when the t\\'o were walking along the 
street together. "You know," said the professor suddenly, 
"there was really no need for you to have transferred to 
Harvard. As soon as you hit me in the stomach I realized 
that I was a meddling old fool and that it served me right!" 

Not only did I see the beginning and ending of the color 
rushes during my career at Illinois, but also the very peak 
of those gala affairs known as the Freshman Socials. Tr\ 

and imagine giving a class party, knowing ail the time that 
it will cither be broken up or become a seige against upper- 
classmen — particularly sophomores, naturally all the guests 
were in a peculiar state of mind at these affairs. But per- 
haps I should digress a little. These socials were given by 
the freshman class and were regular mixed parties. There 
were always a great number of uppercla.ssnuMi at these 
affairs, due to the fact that the men outnumbered the women 
greatly, and in order to have enough to go around the 
freshmen were forced to seek their |iartners out of their own 

For some reason or otiier it was the solemn duty of the 
sophomores — who were sometimes aided by upperclassmen- — 
to break up these freshmen socials. The first one I remem- 
ber was a comparatively tame affair. It was held in a second 
floor meeting hall in downtown Urbana. The freshmen 
thought everything was going a little too well . . . until they 
left to go home. Then they found that the sophomores had 
procured a barrel of molasses which they had poured over all 
the stairs leading down from the hall. And the molasses 
in those days was very thick, the barrels were very large, 
and the sophomores had poured it on deeply. Everyone had 
a grand time. 

The next year the freshman and sophomore classes 
formed an alliance — an unheard of thing — and gave a social 
together in Danville, chartering a train for the occasion. 
There wasn't anything very exciting about that social, but 
there was bound to be a lot of trouble the next year for the 
incoming class, which would have combined sophomore 
and junior classes against them — just as the juniors and 
seniors had been against the combine. 

I know of only one lick that the upperclassmen got in 
at the freshman that year. One of the frosh had a date 
with a sophomore town girl, who was unfortunate enough 
to have a jiuiior brother. The frosh called for the girl on the 

^^^,^,,, ^^....>..S....&..g. ...r....^.A- -r ^^rT^-^^^^^^^^-s^ 


evening of the social, fully arrayed in his Prince Albert, 
but she wasn't ready. He waited. Then he waited some 
more. Finally he yelled up to her that they'd miss the train 
to Danville if she didn't hurry. Then she came running 
down the stairs, dashed by him, grabbed her coat, and ran 
out of the door ahead of him. He followed, and just as he 
was g")ing down «-.he steps of the porch an entire washtub 
full of water came pouring down over him. The sopho- 
mores and juniors in that family had combined. But she 
was punished, for he sat next to her in his dripping suit all 
the way to Danville, perhaps unaware that he was punishing 
a culprit. 

The next year the freshmen were faced with a real 
problem, for the combined sophomore and junior classes 
were against them. If they held the social anywhere within 
the limits of the Twin Cities they would undoubtedly be 
annihilated. What could they do? Some of them finally 
decided that the proper place to hold the social would be in 
Paxton. Plans were then made for the social, keeping its 
location a dead secret. All that anyone knew was that they 
were to board a certain train at a certain place, and it would 
take them to the proper destination. Even the engineer of 
the train was to start under sealed orders, and was not to 
open them until he was a certain distance out of town. 

But the freshmen had not figured on G. Hufif and his 
far-famous sophomore gang which came into existence at 
about that time. Incidentally, G. Huf? was not only the 
leader of the gang, but also its chief chemist, instigator and 
all else that was unholy and dear to the heart of the maraud- 
ing sophomore. Somehow or other the gang found out about 
the sealed orders, changed them to read in such a manner 
that a small town south of here was the destination, and 
then saw that they were delivered to the engineer on the 
night of the social. Then a few of the gang climbed onto 
the coal car of the train as it pulled out of the Twin Cities, 
in order to help make the social a howling success. They 
certainly had a great deal of nerve to do this, for the car 
was open, and the weather was far below zero. 

Everything turned out fairly well in the end, however, 
for someone discovered the error, turned the train around, 
and landed the party in Paxton instead of Tolono, where 
the sophomores had wished it to go. G. Huff's gang did get 
m a little dirty work, however, for when the frosh arrived 
at the hall someone had already tossed a few stench bombs 
into the place just for atmosphere. 

I believe the last social in history was held in my fresh- 
man year — at least the last one in which this rivalry played 
such a big part. That year it was to be held in a hall on 
the third floor of a furniture store in downtown Cham- 
paign. There was only one narrow stairway leading up to 
the place, which offered the freshman protection in one way, 
but a big hindrance was later found in the fact that there 
was a building next door with a roof that was just slightly 
higher than the windows of the hall. 

(Please Turn to Paye 16) 

Homecoming Number 

Egbert on The 

• • 

Or The Perils Of The Press 

( For the first of this series our dear readers will find 
the Siren for October of great interest, containing as it does 

We last saw Egbert Peabody at the Beta hotel, manfully 
declaring that he would throw in his lot, having no house, 
with the merry lads on Daniel. He soon was engrossed 
with registering and buying things from cute maidens and 
persuasive males who pressed upon him Sillios. Hospital as- 
sociation memberships (''Let the L'niversity take care of 
your hospital bill.") He joined the latter even though the 
kind old man at the Health station had said after he was 
examined, ''The situation is not alarming." The Kappa 
Phi Theta pledge lured him into buying the year-book from 
her room-mate. Egbert had but little left when books were 
bought and he settled down to work for the semester. 

Already he had gone out for football but he dropped 
this as he would not be able to play directly under Mr. 
Zuppke until he was no longer a freshman, a state which 
might last quite some time. And, besides, the boys at the 
house thought that football was too undignified for Beta. 
When they heard that Egbert did not want to become a 
senior manager in his final year (see "Lives of Great 
Betas," Vol. XIH. Schn to Schn), they suggested the Illini 
to him. 

Now all that Egbert knew of the Illini was that they 
were "a great and noble tribe of red-men who lived on the 
banks of the Boneyard" (see "The Illini Trail," now show- 
ing at your local theater). But Fred Clark took him in 
hand and showed him the basement of Uni Hall. That 
was really enough to shock any freshman, but Clark went 
farther, — he took Egbert into that terrible place in the 
basement of the Union building. He knew at once that this 
place would hold him with horrible fascination. Many an 
afternoon he would creep in there to look at the men and 
women engrossed in business. What a contrast they were 
to the noisy folks in the back of the basement who laughed 
at their own jokes! It was said that these put out a humor 
publication, but Egbert had never seen it, if it existed. It 
was called the Siren. 

But the only siren Egbert was interested in was the 
Kappa Phi pledge. Perhaps that was why he liked the 
Jllini. so many Kappa Phis were on the staff; one really can- 
not say they worked there. Was it possible, thought 
Egbert, that Nevada street stimulated journalism? When 
Hortense, for that was her name, became a sophomore, she 

too would be on the Illini. Egbert could hardly wait. 

Like all Illini men, however, Egbert found waiting 
difficult and, for that matter, unnecessary. And so, one day 
he fell. He asked an Independent woman to coke with 
him. That was bad enough, but when she suggested 
Renard's, he should have been wary. 

This incident occurred shortly after the Jackass party 
had accused the Clothes Line party of stealing the election, 
though why anybody should want the thing, Egbert couldn't 
see. All went nicely as the two sipped their cokes and talked 
of life as only underclassmen can. Little did Egbert care 
that he had a story to get by three, nor did she care that 
numerous advertisers should be called. No one could have 
anticipated the shock Egbert was to receive that day. Non- 
chalantly he pulled out his cigarettes. No, they were not 
Murads. "Smoke?" he said casually, as he had heard Bob 
Stiven drawl. 

"No," she smiled, "I don't smoke." 

Leaving Egbert to recover from his swoon, we ask our 
dear readers to wait with bated breath the next episode, 

A salesman was demonstrating a new model of a car to a 
prospective customer. He took him out on a highway to 
demonstrate its speed and breaking power. "Do you see 
that piece of paper on the road down there?" he asked of 
the customer. "Well, I'll step it up to forty, jam on my 
brakes when I get within fifty feet, and stop dead over the 

He stepped it up. then jammed on the brakes, and sure 
enough, he was right over the paper. "Fine," said the 

"And now," said the salesman feeling encouraged, "Do 
you see that train moving across the road up there? Well, 
I'll step it up to sixty up to within eighty feet of that train, 
and stop dead within fifteen inches of the cars." 

His client held his hat as the salesman speeded the car 
faster and faster. As he drew near to the train he jammed 
on the brakes, and sure enough, he stopped within fifteen 
inches of the train. "What do you think of that?" he 

The customer mopped his forehead. "Fine. Now would 
you mind stopping over that piece of paper again?" 



Alums who were the Sammy 
Keyes and the Bob Little's of their 
day who can't understand how the 
new methods get any one a job. . . . 
Freshmen, fresh from rushing and 
being the center of attraction, who 
discover that now they are merely 
another bed for some decrepit alum 
of 30 or so . . . sorority girls who 
can't understand where the house got 
all those crocks, and alums who 
can't understand why the house gets 
all these crocks . . . Loud murmurs 
from every street corner of "Hello, 
you old horse-face! Remember the 

time we " . . . Bright-eyed 

sorority pledges with honeyed, plead- 
ing voices who query in hopeful 
fashion, "Have you bought your 
homecoming badge yet? . . . Frater- 
nity pledges griping about how tha 
hell do they expect a guy to sleep 
on these stone davenports, when a 
day or so before they broke furni- 
ture to get them to stretch out in 
solid comfort. . . . 

Illinois with her magic pull of 
friendship and fellowship through 
the years. . . . The thrill of being 
back on the old stamping ground. . . . 
Tired business men who try to for- 
get worries in the old devil-may-care 
atmosphere of their college days . . . 
a campus whose maples are turning 
gold beneath a sky so purely blue 
that it leaves an ache in your 
throat. . . . 

Thousands and thousands of 
people wandering around in cars 
plastered with stickers and blankets 
trying to find a place to park. . . . 
Prehn's and Kamerer's and Hanky's 
crammed with alums who coke and 
smoke and try to bring their own 
"Joeing" days. . . . 

Strange Interlude 

Well, dear little people, I suppose 
that by now you have all heard of 
the lovely Faux Pas that a certain 
Gene Morris of Sigma Kappa made. 
In case you haven't, here it is: A 
couple of weeks ago. Gene packed 
her bag preparatory to going home to 

her sister's wedding. She had never 
seen the boy who was to drive her 
home, but as he was to come and ring 
her "buzzer," she was sure that all 
would be well. (Time out while 1 
meditate on irony of fate.) As the 
hour for Gene's departure drew nigh, 
a pledge (not the aforementioned S. 
K. pledge), asked her to get a blind 
date for her. Gene obliged, and 
presently her buzzer buzzed, or 
whatever it is that buzzers do, and 
our heroine tripped blithely down 
the stairs. Seeing the young man 
standing there, she waltzed toward 
him and asked, "Are you ready?" 
The young man nodded his head 
vigorously backward and forward, 
evidently signifying that he was. 
"Well just a minute then until I 
get my suit case," Gene murmured 
sweetly, "and I'll be right with you." 
A perfectly normal statement — was 
it not? But it electrified the young 
man. In fact it did all sorts of 
things to him. He finally managed 
to remark, "Well, I'm certainly get- 
ting in for more than I expected ! 
When you asked me to come over 
tonite, I hardly anticipated this — 
mebbe (this more hopefully) I 
should go back home and get my _ 
toothpaste." But ah, dear reader, by \ 
now you have probably guessed the 
complications and I need not go on 
— but I do believe that Gene reached 
her sister's that night. 

Preferred Rushing 

Rumor hath it that a certain fresh- 
man walked into a wk. fraternity 
house and addressed the assembled 
brethren like this: "Boys, you've got 
a fine house here, a nice bunch of 
boys, and I'd like to pledge your 

Of course, the boys were properly 
shocked and looked askance. "Really, 
you know, a thing like this isn't 

"I know," said the lad, "but my 
dad thinks it's a good house. Why, 
he even made a check out to you 
boys, thinking that I might be 


Homecoming Number 

Not being mercenary, the fraters 
only looked at the check to see the 
amount which was $500. Rumor 
hath it further that the lad was 
pledged and that the house president 
does the boy's pledge duties for him. 
(No, Arabella, it was not at the 
Beta hotel.) 


Oh, and we did hear the most 
tragic thing about Kingfish Karnes! 
Bill, you know, is a Senior and 
Editor of the lllio. Well, it seems 
that good old Bill broke down the 
other day, after all these years of re- 
sistance, and pledged Phi Gam. Now 
here's the point! Kingfish feels he 
has been gypped and he theatens, in 
a most determined manner, to break 
his pledge. And why? The Spot 
wearing rule has been abolished — and 
Bill did so love those Spots. 

With all this talk about the re- 
cent election, both laudatory and de- 
rogatory, why doesn't someone get 
wise to himself and run away with 
the ballot-box? 

We have heard tell around these 
parts that the lllio office isn't what 
it is painted to be — or is it? At any 
rate, it does have its moments when 
it turns its attention to the Beauty 
Parlor business, with the art of 
massaging leading in popularity. Ask 
Elsie Minier. 

And speaking of Elsie! Her Bus 
Law Prof asked her the other day 
what she would think about being 
sent after a criminal, and our sweet, 
shy, little girl said she didn't wanna 
go man-hunting. 

An interesting story of an event 
which occurred last June has just 
come to light. Last year's Illini re- 
call the series of robberies which 
were terrorizing the feminine Greek 
Houses last Spring. Well, it seems 
that on one particular night, the 
POP's felt they were warranted in 
believing a man was in their house. 
So they called the Police. Most of 
the girls were in bed, and when John 
Law strode into the dorm, there was 
an audible number of shrieks. "What 

is it?", qua\cred (jwen, house-man- 
ager, fearing nothing less than that 
a tribe of elephants had come down 
upon them (or do elephants pal 
around in tribes) ? "It's a man," 
someone breathed. "Oh," responded 
Gwen in a relieved tone — then with 
more spirit — "Well's, if there's a 
man in this Dorm, dibs on him. ' 

We pause to wonder just how 
nuich lllio work gets done during 
those cornfield conferences which the 
Editor and the Woman's Business 
Manager indulge in. 

At last we have found the end of 
the long list of Smiths. While motor- 
ing in the East this summer, we met 
a man whose name was Finis Smith. 

And did you hear about the 
wealthy alum who bore down on the 
Theta Xi House this year en famille? 
It seems that he wished to obtain 
board and lodging for the year at the 
hands of his brethren. Well, the 
brothers thought it over, and they 
decided that they couldn't have him 
because his baby would be a nuisance 
— but they heartily agreed that his 
wife was O. K. 


When Sarge Hire, TKE, dis- 
covered he had the distasteful malady 
commonly known as ringworm he 
hied himself to the w. k. Health 
Service for treatment. Those in the 
know advised him to soak his feet 
an hoiu' each evening in hot salt 
water. When the ailment did not 
respond to treatment Sarge returned 
to the medico and learned through 
an examination that salt water on 
the feet will not cure ringworm on 
the chest. 

The Thetas haven't had any fresh- 
men homecoming stunts that went 
over as big as Jane Fauntz's hida 
dance — in original costume — with six 
alum husbands beating time out in 
the hall. 

Sally Fulton, Theta rushing 
chairman, impressed a lot of rushees 
by saying, as they left, "Good bye, 
so much !" 

(Please Turn to Page 18) 






Montli of pledyc and harvest dances 

Month of summer's lost rnmarifes 

Month ivhith for a hirlhstone has 

The softly f/loiuinf/ tjold topaz 

Month of six iveeks grades and quizzes 

Pledges tearful doivncast phizzes 

Month of gingerbread and eider 

Pumpkin pie (/ can't abide 'er) 

hi the Series Cubs and Yankees 

Strong men iveep, babes tear their hankies. 

Burning leaves and Jack-o-lanlern 

Playful ivinds that make a man turn 

To chase his hat or vieiv with ease 

.1 pair of dainty dimpled knees 

Month of raccoon coals and pennants 

Chrysanthemums and neiv lieutenants 

Month of Illinois Homecoming 

Old A', r. ii'ill take a drumming 

All alums luill bring their liquor 

Some get sick and others sicker 

'36 'will gii'e up beds 

A'o place for their iveary heads 

Month of playful pranks in frat clubs 

Honorary this and that clubs 

Month that ends ivith Halloive'en 

ITonder ivho ivill be Prom Qucenf 

Homecoming Number 11 

October— Please keep sober 

Sa. 1 — Goe and Miami at Illinois — Hebrew New Year (Rosh 

Su. 2 — Jean Galloway's Feminine Band — Organ Recital at 

Smith Memorial hall. 
Mo. 3 — Glasses as usual, 

Tu. 4 — Illinois' band rests up for Bradley encounter. 
We. 5 — Probably rain (This item may be substituted for any 

other on menu.) 
Fri. 7 — Fish for Phi Kappa and Theta Phi Alpha, also all other 

houses on campus. 
Sa. 8 — Bradley at Illinois — Boy Scout Day. 
Su. 9— Organ Recital at Smith' Memorial Hall. 
Mo. 10 — Day of Atonement (Yom Kippur) 75% of student 

body takes holiday. 
Tu. 11 — Hoover and Roosevelt both confident of easy victory — 

also Zuppke. 
We. 12 — Golumbus sailed the ocean blue to make a holiday for 

Th, 13 — Gan we help it if the University doesn't believe in 

Fri. 14 — Full moon — "Arrive noon tomorrow get two tickets 

on 50 yard line." 
Su. 16 — Headache. 
Mo. 17 — Debit: 1 topcoat, 1 derby, 1 muffler, 1 self-respect — 

credit: 1 empty gin bottle. 
Tu. 18 — Semi-annual Sigma Kappa fire, 1900-1932. 
We. 19 — Pumpkin pie. 

Th. 20 — Deadline for return of badge taken last spring. 
Fr. 21 — Get out red flannels. 
Sa. 22 — Michigan at Ann Arbor. 
Su. 23 — 465 mini miss train for Ghampaign. 
Mo. 24 — 742 students decide to study. 
Tu. 25 — Sergei RachmaninolT, pianist. Star Gourse. 
We. 26 — Fair, rain or snow. 
Th. 27 — Sig Alph plumbing goes hay wire, showers at Kappa 

Sigma 10c per. 
Fr. 28 — Statue of Liberty unveiled 1886 — housing problem for 

sparrows solved. 
Sa. 29 — Ghicago at Ghicago, 100% of student body goes home 

to sleep. 
Su. 30 — Twenty-five days until Thanksgiving, fifty days till 

Mo. 31— Hallowe'en. 




PAUL PREHN— Who is perhaps tlie 
best known man about the campus, 
who has been welcoming Home- 
comers for many years, whose name 
is the basis for campus slang, who has 
made the coke an institution. 



woman's editor of the Daily Illini, 
president of Theta Sigma Phi, and be- 
longs to Mortar Board, Kappa Tau 
Alpha and AOPi, but cannot spell 
battalion, and is either too modest or 
too quiet to be as well known as she 
should be. 

BRUCE WEIRICK Who will be 
one of the goals of many Home- 
comers, who has more friends among 
faculty and students than anyone else 
we know, whose lectures are a com- 
bination of wisdom and a three-ring 
circus, because he has written a book 
that is a pleasure to read, whose 
trademark is a cigarette. 

Homecoming Number 





THE BERRYS— Gil, who is captain 
of the fighting lUini this season after 
several years of brilliant playing, and 
is a member of Tribe of Illini and 
Phi Delta Theta, as well as being the 
famous example that star athletes do 
not have smashed noses and cauli- 
flower ears. 

THE BERRYS— Winnie, who was 
voted Pierrot beauty queen without 
the aid of a stuffed ballot-box, who is 
an actress of charm and note, who is 
the other half of the most handsome 
couple on campus. 

ASH BARBER Who is identified 
by his broad grin, who will come in 
contact with most of us as Intramural 
Manager, who is a member of Sachem 
and Ma-Wan-Da, Theta Tau, Dol- 
phins, Athletic Council, and a director 
of the "Y." 




College Life in These 
Degenerate Days 

What Dear Old Dad Thinks After Reading Magazines, 
Seeing Movies, and Hearing Things. 

The presumptuous luxuries; the palatial hotels; oh for 
the simple comforts of a state capital ; the slinky roadsters, 
the five-minute stroll to class; the snobbish, intolerant upper- 
classmen, the timid frosh. The saintly pink Hell Week; 
the passing of the spot; the awful iniquities — drinking shel- 
lack, overnight bags, co-eds smoking, swearing, being lead 
astray by Sig Pis or leading Betas astray, the jazz-mad, 
A-crazed mob of collegians. 

The synthetic blondes — hi-de-hi. Butch. 

The overwhelming size of the institution, if \ou know 
who sits next to you in class you're either a politician or a 
Messiah; the complete lack of college spirit; the snobbery 
and isolation ; the Methuselah deans, the movie hero atha- 
lete, and the chorus-beauty co-ed. These are the days of 
the house-dance brawls, the dance committee graft, the se- 
ductive formals, the cokensmoke racket, and a spoon for 
every lime phos. I'ln your bag in rough crepe and smooth 
satin with "yoo-hoo" lines; and you're my date in Klassy 
Kut Klothes. Do you remember when we played drop the 
handkerchief with my last year's formal ? Oh what 
smoothies we are. Everyone looks like one of John Held 
Jr's younger generation caricatures. 

College Life in the Good 
Old Days 

The privations; the drafty primitive dwellings, fore- 
runners of the modern palatial Greek hostelry, in which 
lived the pioneers of our social system ; the old Boneyard 
trail — visions of determined seekers after education chop- 
ping their way through underbrush, breaking ice, skating 
to class on the beloved stream, onward, ever onward, al- 
ways following the Boneyard, only to end up at the Chem 
building — ah me. The real he-man hazing; the class 
battles ; the good clean fun — walking on gables, painting 
the w. k town the w. k. red, philosophizing over good beer 
like gentlemen, abandoning cows up in the Chime Tower. 

The days when the size of the institution was just right, 
neither too small for comfort nor too large for class parties; 
the genuine pre-war school spirit; the good-fellowship — 
think of actually making the acquaintance of that smooth 
babe in your psych quiz. Them were the days of the dance 
clubs, the chafing dish, fudge brawls the Gibson girl, the 
starched blouse. When you were my gentleman friend in a 
turtle-neck, peg tops, and that devilish pipe; and I was your 
dream girl with pompadour, slim waist, bust and all. Do 
you remember how we made a lovely tent out of my P. E. 
bloomers for our expeditions to the Forestry? Oh what 
rounders we were. Everyone looked like one of John Held 
Jr's hand-knit samplers. 

Homecoming Number 


Nickel Game 

Have you ever played the game of identifying people by 
the five senses? If not, you're 'way behind the times, and 
you ought to learn it now. because it's all the rage. All you 
do is name the flower, smell, sound, touch and taste which 
remind you of a certain person, and someone else is sup- 
posed to guess whom you are referring to. Try the fol- 

Flower — Firecrackers. 
Smell — Gunpowder. 
Sound — Rat — tattat — tat. 
Touch — Smooth steel. 
Taste — Raw meat. 

Jl Capone 

Flower — Lily. 

Smell — "Breath of Spring." 

Sound — A lisp. 

Touch — "The skin you love — '" 

Taste — Double chocolate marshniallow pecan sundae. 

Any A. K. L. 

Flower — Smoke weed. 
Smell — Gasoline. 
Sound — Rattle rattle. 
Touch — Tin. 
Taste — "Oh, Henrv." 

Henry Ford 

Flower — Pansy. 
Sound — "I'm a Beta." 
Touch — No response. 
Taste — Awful. 

A Beta Theta Pi 

Flower — Forget-Me-Xot. 

Smell — Never got that close. 

Sound — "Prosperity." 

Touch — Ten per cent of his salary to charity. 

Taste — Moderate. 

Herb Hoover 

Flower — Tipsy Weed. 

Smell — Liquor. 

Sound — Repeal the 18th amendment. 

Touch — Glass bottles. 

Taste — Not bad. 

Franklin Roosevelt 


"Now," said the super-salesman, "this instrument turns 
green if the liquor is good — red if it is bad." 

"Sorry, but I'm color blind." apologized the prospect. 

Other Reasons 

Mark Antony made two famous speeches. One was at 
Caesar's grave when he said, "I come here to bury Caesar, 
not to praise him." The other was at Cleopatra's tent at 
midnight, "I didn't come here to talk," he said. 

— .\ otrc Dame Juggler. 


Mother (on entering the room unexpectedly) : "Well I 
never — " 

Daughter: "Oh. mother, you must have." ■ — OivL 


Big Job 

First \Iountaineer: "Wal. I see where Jake's wife had 
another datter." 

Second Mountaineer: "Yes. that makes six. Reckon 
hell get a double-barrel if he wants t' get 'em all married." 

— Sniper. 

Southern Hospitalit> 

Los Angeles was crowded to its boundaries. Olympic 
spectators had filled every hotel and rooming-house in the 
city. Not a room was available, but the young college stu- 
dent had to find a place to sleep that night. He had worked 
hard, trying to sell to the huge crowd, and he was thorough- 
ly exhausted. 

"Anything will do," he said to a hotel clerk. 

"I can let you have a cot in the ballroom." replied the 
clerk, "but there is a lady in the opposite corner, and if you 
don't make any noise she'll be none the wiser." 

"Fine," said the tired man, and into the ballroom he 

Five minutes later he came running out to the clerk. 

"Say," he cried, "that woman in there is dead !" 

"I know it," was the answer. "But how did vou find 


— Pune/i Boii.1. 

"Got anything with a gong on it?' 



Man, very hoarse with cold, not able to talk above a 
whisper, knocks at doctor's home at night time and the 
Doc's wife comes to the door. "Is the doctor at home? " 

Wife, also in whisper: "No. come in." — Kitty Kat. 


A professor, coming to one of his classes a little late, 
found a most uncomplimentary caricature of himself drawn 
on the board. Turning to the student nearest to him. he 
angrily inquired: "Do you know who is responsible for 
that atrocity?" 

"No. sir. I don't." replied the student, "but I strongly 
suspect his parents." — Voo Doo. 


The Mauve Decade at Illinois 

(Continued jruin Piie/c 6) 

Ry the time that the frosh arrived the sophomores on 
the next door roof had already tossed a few stench bombs 
into the place, and as soon as larger groups arrived the 
sophomores used a little of G. Huff's technique and tossed in 
some tear gas bombs. Soon the entire group was in tears. 
Then a group of the freshmen thought of a large carpet 
sales room on the second floor, took their dates to this room, 
and retiuned upstairs to do battle with the sophomores. 

At this time some other freshman and myself determined 
to see the fun upstairs. We put on our over-coats, turned 
up the collars, pulled our hats over our faces, and calmly 
walked up. After four years of these affairs we had learned 
that by not rubbing our eyes we could successfully endure 
tear gas for quite some time. We found that the upper 
room was almost entirely deserted by this time, and a large 
group of the freshmen as well as women had taken refuge 
in the carpet sales room. Then a group of sophomores tried 
to rush the freshman stronghold. Every time they tried to 
mount the stairs the freshmen would throw chairs upon 
them and beat them unmercifully. 

The sad part was that the sophomores coidd not re- 
taliate, for there was a code of war between the classes 
which forbade the sophomores doing anything more than 
merely pulling the freshmen away from the door. If this 
rule was violated G. Huff would promptly sit on the sopho- 
more until he changed his mind. By this time the street 
outside was filled with townspeople trying to get an occa- 
sional glimpse of the fray. Soon the scrap became so nois\' 
that the mayor of Champaign put in a personal appearance, 
and put an end to the fun. 

The sophomores had one more chance during my career 
to make use of their tear gas. Bill Powell was giving his 
senior oration one evening. Known as the foremost humorist 
on the campus, a large crowd had gathered to hear him. 
Because of the muddy streets everyone was forced to wear 
large rubbers that evening, and a certain group determined 
to capitalize on this. They filled small glass vials with tear 
gas, glued them between the heel and sole of their rubbers, 
and then cautiously walked into the chaptel on tiptoe. 

Bill began his speech, and soon had the audience con- 
vulsed. Then the sophomores began their dirty work. Every 
time he cacked a joke several of them would place their 
feet on the chair in front of them and crush the tear gas 
vial on the rungs. Powell noticed nothing wrong for some 
time, but then he became aware that his jokes were pro- 
ducing tears instead of laughter. Then he himself began 
to cry. 

That was the last big event of that nature during my 
five years at old Illinois. During this time I saw the rise 
and fall of all these traditions, as well as the inception of 
some that were to last for many years to come. Although 
all that happened nearly forty years ago, the events were 
all so vivid that no one mixed up in them could ever forget 
them. Judging by some of the late occurrences on the cam- 
pus 111 say again that the students today don't differ ma- 
terially from those of my time. What's that? Did we have 
more fun ? Well, we had a pretty good time. 

In Old Kaintucky 

It was back in the early days that Zeke and Effie packed 
their belongings into an ox-cart and lit out for the big city, 
determined to give up farm life in Kentucky. After quite 
a long trip they arrived, moved into a small home on the 
outskirts of the town . . . and well, anyhow, there they 
were. . . . 

As soon as they had finished unpacking Zeke told Effie 
that he thought that he'd go out and look over the town. 
He wandered through the town, and finally came to a rail- 
road crossing. Just then a train came by — the first Zeke 
had ever seen — nearly frightening the life out of the old 
mountaineer. He ran home as fast as he could, burst into 
the building and yelled, "Pack up Effie, we're a'goin' back 
ter Kaintucky!" 

"But why?" said Etlie. "We just got here." 

"Dawgonnit, the place ain't safe. I jest seen a big black 
thing come through this town goin' at a terrible clip, and if 
it bed bin goin' sideways we would all he\' bin wiped out!" 

Homecoming Number 


Uoure m/ma iy\^ mei^re/f/uaer/ 

If your cigarette is mild — that is, not strong, not bitter, 
but smokes cool and smooth — then you like it. 

If your cigarette tastes right; if it tastes better — that is, 
not oversweet; and if it has a pleasing aroma — then you 
enjoy it the more. 

Everything known to Science is used to make Chesterfield 
Cigarettes milder and taste better. 

The right kinds of leaf tobacco — American and Turkish 
— are blended and cross-blended. That's why "They Satisfy." 

Lir.c.ETT & Myers 
Tobacco Co. 


When Looking for a Good Place to Eat Gome to the 

Inman Coffee Shop 

35c to 60c Breakfast Specials 

35c to 60c Luncheon Entree 

75c to 90c Table d' Hote Dinner 

A la Garte Service at All Meals 


Private dining rooms for meetings and dinners 


Champaign's Finest Hotel on Routes 10, 35, 30, U. S. 45 

(Continutd from Page 9) 
We'll bet that no affair has ever 
been the nine days wonder that the 
Parrish-Owen pin escapade has been. 
At least every six people that you 
meet know for certain who gave 
whom the air and why! We bet it's 
a publicity stunt to work up trade 
for the games this fall, seein' as how 
Red is Captain. Wonder if the Chio 
Trio will sing between halves? 

When the proprietress of a popular 
college "Beah Gahden" was asked 
about a certain politician, she said she 
was sorry but she had to throw him 
out — he kept yelling Whee every 
few minutes 1 He must have been — 
(fill in Old Line or Mule to taste.) 

Five struggling members of the 
mini staff got in a dance place on 
Bob Dwyer's pass T'other evening. 
Can it be that the tall curly-haired 
one isn't recognized immediately? Or 
can the World's Greatest College 
Daily boast a staff with a gift of 
gabb ? 

Freddie Siebert frankly confesses 
that he intends to drive his Jour- 
nalism 19 class nuts with his outside 
reading. Now we ask you what 
chance have the poor stewdents? He 
requests nice, orderly, one-track 
minds so he can muss 'em up ! So 
that's what marriage can do to a 
usually good egg! 

And have you noticed the new 
partition down in the Illio office? 
They tell the story, in those parts, 
that Bill Karnes couldn't work be- 

cause the Woman's Business Man- 
ager worked right across from him, 
and her legs showed beneath the desk 
— need I say more? 

Don't sign up for Professor 
Dolch's Ed. Psych, class if your 
fiancee is going to be in the same 
course, because he announced today 
that he wanted no engaged couples 
to sit together, as sexual attraction 
did not work as a favorable element 
in the learning of how to teach the 

There will be no competition in 
the lUio ofHce for Ruth Dalrymple 
if she has anything to do with it — 
which she has. Some Joan Crawford 
fan put up a picture of his idol right 
next to Daly's desk the other day — 
and the picture has now disappeared. 

The Army Game 

A certain Jules, Lambda Chi 
Alpha, has it very, very easy down 
here. He dates a Colonel's daughter 
and has room free at the fond papa's 
house — and that ain't all. Said papa 
gives little Jules the family car to 
do his business (whatever nature it 
may be) in. Pretty soft, what? 

While carting an oversized rushee 
about the living room a prominent 
ADPi inadvertently stepped on the 
crock's foot. The active apologized, 
but was completely floored by the 
freshman's coy remark, "Oh think 
nothing of it! I'm often awkward 

So and so at the Gammafibeta 
hovel was the surprised recipient of 
a box containing little pink pretties 
and a bottle of something or other 
this last summer school. . . . All the 
other sistern got the hayfever. 

Famous Feet 

The dainty two-hundred pound 
Sigalf mascot "Feet" has been 
ordered to stay indoors on penalty of 
being arrested, as well as being re- 
quired to wear a muzzle. . . . All this 
after committing a murderous as- 
sault on a smaller dog. . . . Isn't that 
characteristic? ... It is rumored that 
the brethren's housebill has gone up 
considerably, what with new muzzles 
every time their nonchalant little 
puppy yawns with those jaws which 
are capable of embracing a football. 
Even a self-respecting muzzle would 
weaken. The withdrawal of the 
hound from circulation will deprive 
the SAE's and Dekes of a topic of 
conversation for weeks to come. 

During the recent class elections 
one of the campus politician's tried 
to pick up Miss Johnston of the P. 
E. department to take her to the 
polls. Miss Johnston, however, 
gracefully (and rythmically) got out 
of it by saying that she was a fresh- 
man and too young to vote. 

Julia Lake '36, was so dazzled by 

rushing that she finally resorted to 

the w. k. coin-flipping tactics. . . . 

And Bill Singer finds that a chow 

(Turn to Page 21) 

Homecoming Number 




Yon can avoid this by reading the Woman's Number of the Siren, 
coming out next month, and containing all the dirt on your 

favorite sorority 







Starting Sunday, October 16 

The funniest comedy that ever blazed its 
way across the screen! 







"The Cinemajority Go to the Rialto" 


"How come Mrs. Worldly has octracized you?" 

"Well, I was dancing with her the other evening and 
she suddenly turned to nie and said she felt hot and wanted 
a little air." 


"I thought she said heir." — Voo Doo. 

He: "What are you thinking about?" 

She: "The same thing as you." 

He: "Well, I'm sorry, but it is impossible. I am in 
training." — Battalion. 


Sold Short 

College Senior: "I would give five dollars for just one 
kiss from a nice little innocent girl like you." 

Innocent Freshman: "Oh, how terrible." 

College Senior: "Did I offend you?" 

Innocent Freshman: "No, I was just thinking about 
the fortune I gave away last night." — Pelican. 

Legal Argument 

"Was the defendant intoxicated?" 
"He was drunk as a Lord." 
"How do you know a Lord is drunk?" 
"Well, the good book says "The Lord taketh and the 
Lord giveth away." 

In Lieu of a Degree 

Little girl (to old lady) : "Madame, what is the name 
of your child?" 

Old lady: "It's my daughter's child. I call her 

L. G. : "Why do you call her that?" 

O. L. : "It's what my daughter brought back from col- 
lege." — University of Buffalo Bison. 


My dear! Why, that's a tearable dress for a picnic. 
Ssh ! Its got zippers too. — Aicgivan. 

And there's the story concerning a Chepachet clergy- 
man, who, at a dinner, had to listen to a talkative young 
man who had much to say on Darwin and his "Origin of 
the Species." 

"I can't see," bawled the young whipper-snapper, "what 
difference it would make to me if m'grandfather was an 

"No," skirmished the clergyman. "I can't see that it 
would. But it must have made a great difference to your 
grandmother." — Broun J iig. 

"I say, Joe, your girl looked quite tempting in that sort 
of Biblical gown she was wearing last lught." 
"What do you mean, Biblical gown?" 
"Oh, you know. Sort of Lo and Behold !" — Witt. 

The girl had to be handled with kid gloves — her hiis- 
band is a fingerprint expert. — Royal Gaboon. 

First Model: "I said some very foolish words to my 
boy friend last night." 

Second Model: "Yes?" 

First Model: "That was one of them." — Rice Oui. 

Voice from above: "Mary!" 

Voice from below (pleasantly) : "Yes, Mother?" 
V. F. A.: "The clock has struck twelve three times 
now. Let it practice on one for a while." — Flamingo. 

Little Edith: "May I sit on your lap, daddy?" 
Sarcastic Mamma: "No, darling, papa's tired; he's had 
a hard day at the office." — Pathfinder. 

While men must have heard by this time that women 
are pretty much alike, it's only human nature that they 
should want to find out for themselves. —Shoivme. 

Homecoming Number 


((Continued from Paye IS) 

dog appeals to the feminine portion 
of the campus in a hig way. But 
when Bill craves to proceed in one 
direction and Chans; in the other, 
only a cab can solve the battle ot 
wills. . . . But worse yet is Ted 
Wang . . . who invited six guests to 
his girl's apartment for dinner, and 
then forgot to tell the hostess. . . . 
And by the way. what two Kappa. 
Theta and Pify rushees were so hot 
and bothered about their choice on 
the fatal Thursday that tlieir Ford 
started to burn ? And which pledged 
Pify? And what happened to the 

Sigma Kappa Fire 

And did all you little children hear 
about the new pledge at the Sigma 
Kappa House? Here's the story: 
Last week, Bob Young, feeling un- 
usually and unnaturally generous, 
called the before-mentioned house 
and asked if they needed any more 
pledges in their domicile. "Do we!" 
the party of the second part is quoted 
as saying, "Well, then," continued 
Mr. Bob, "I'm bringing one over 
for you. She's a darn nice kid and 
all set to pledge something." "Art 
there any sech?", inquired the p. of 
the s. p: — "What's her name?" 
"Mary Bunny, " came the answer." 
"and you'll have a lot of fun with 
her. I'll bring her over this after- 
noon." "Oh," replied the now-ex- 
cited S. K., "but all the girls aren't 
here." "That's all right," consoled 
Bob magnanimously, "she won't 
icnow that!" So the little S. K. flew 
to tell her sistern the good news and 
in a much shorter time than it ever 
takes them on date nites, the order 
had "Dolled up" en masse. Presently 
to the door came Bob Young. Ex- 
pectancy fluttered in the breasts of 
the sisters. The doorbell answered, 
friend Bob strode into the room and 
dropped an astonished rabbit onto 
the lap of the House President. Yes'r 
— right on her brand new dress that 
she had donned for the occasion. 
Well, the rabbit stayed on, altho' 
(Please Turn to Page 23) 

— \ 








Meadow - Gold 
Ice Cream 

The Creamiest of Them All 


Because It's 

Mdile hy 

Champaign Ice Cream Division 

Beatrice Meadow-Gold Dairies 


I'"(iniu'rly tlic ( liaiiipaimi lir CrtMiii Co. 

in.') I'himc inc 



The Cinemagraph 

Virginia and Vaudeville 

After two and a halt years of yip- 
ping the Twin-City legit fans are 
having their wish, for the flesh seems 
to be back — to stay, if the reception is 
good — on the Virginia stage starting 
Sunday, October 16. And the 
ghosts of the old three-a-day troupers 
are going to have to do a fadeout, for 
Fanchon - Marco tabloid music- 
comedy revues are the new bill, as 
well as the big time circuit RKO acts 
that are turned out for the largest 
houses in the country. These legit 
acts will run one, two, or more days 
a week, along with the regular fea- 
ture picture. 

According to authentic dope the 
"Desert Song" with its original 
troupe of 65 will play at the Virginia 
M., T., W., October 31, November 
1-2, and "Rio Rita," the famous hit 
of stage and screen will probably also 
be brought down later. 

As to the Virginia screen : October 

15, Wheeler & Woolsey take the old 
chain gang for a ride in "Hold 'Em 
Jail," with Edna ]VIay Oliver and 
Roscoe Ates helping in the riding; 

16, "Age of Consent," with Dorothy 
Wilson, Arline Judge and Richard 
Cromwell, reviewed last month in 
this colyum; 17-19, "Phantom of 
Crestwood," RKO's broadcast special 
mystery; 20-22, "All America," not 
reviewed ; 23, "The Most Dangerous 
Game," featuring Joel McCrea, Fay 
Wray, Bob Armstrong — a man, fear- 
less adventurer ... a girl, beautiful, 
alluring . . . cast away on Zaroff's 
mysterious island! Their ship lured 
to destruction by his false beacon 
lights! . . . They had been wined and 
dined in the most-hidden casctle. 
Then Zaroff — polished nobleman, 
fascinating host — had shown his 
secret room . . . lined with the 
strangest trophies human eyes ever 
beheld! You'll like this one; 24-26, 
"Night Mayor," with Lee Tracy 
and Evelyn Knapp ; 27-29, "Hat- 
Check Girl" with Sally Filers and 
Ginger Rogers — the story of a couple 
of bigtown, bigtime, smallgirl racke- 

Orpheum Opens 

The Orpheum opens for the season 
on the 15th, playing "Chandu," a 
real old-time thriller all dolled up, 
featuring Edmund Lowe, Irene 
Ware and Dracula Lugosi. Comes 
direct from an extended Chicago run. 
October 19, two days, Mr. and Mrs. 
Martin Johnson's African epic, 
"Congorilla," another picture of the 
no-faking-needed variety; 23-24, 
"Hollywood Speaks," with Gene- 
vieve Tobin and Pat O'Brien; 28-29, 
Jack Holt, as "The Last Man" ; 30, 
"Thirteen Women," featuring Irene 
Dunne, Myrna Loy, and Ricardo 
Cortez. Taken from the sensational 
book of the same title. 

Orpheum is also offering some- 
thing new and different this year in- 
sofar as they are presenting pictures 
in foreign languages for gowners as 
well as towners. Will probably play 
once a week, and will be of a pop- 
ular and modern variety. Should be 
interesting for them as knows, amus- 
ing for them what don't. 

Rialto and Schnozzle 

Harold Lloyd returns to the screen 
after a two years absence in "Movie 
Crazy," still the exponent of the 
slapstick gag. This is another sap 
saga story in which he plays a part 
very similar to that of his first great 
vehicle, "Granma's Boy." Screwy 
and senseless as the deuce, but good 
entertainment. Starts a week's run 
on October 16. 

The old smoothie team of Powell 
and Francis appear in "One Way 
Passage" from the 23rd-26th. They 

click again, just as they have in their 
other team pictures. The perfect 
screen team, we calls it. And follow- 
ing that from the 27th-29th "The 
Crash" is coming, with la Chatterton 
and George Brent doing the crash- 
ing. Everyone has become Chatter- 
ton-conscious since "Madame X" and 
numerous other films starring her 
made their appearance. 

Who was it crossed the Dela- 
ware? . . . And what did he follow 
to get him there? His schnozzola, of 
course. As the nose goes — so goes 
the country! You guessed it, it's 
Schnozzle Durante, late of Broad- 
way, trying to get a few stray votes 
for "The Phantom President," and 
how he does get them! As well as 
putting "it" in politics, romance in 
the Senate, and ants in the w. k. 
coat pocket. To help him do this 
he has George M. Cohan and Claud- 
ette Colbert. It's a roarer, with 
everything but humor, and has a cast 
that ought to slay 'em. Follow the 
schnozzle to prosperity! 

Park Presents 

October 15, Paul Lukas and 
Tullulah Bankhead in "Thunder 
Below"; 16, Joan Blondell and 
Stuart Erwin in "Make Me a Star" ; 
17-18, Richard Arlen and Jack 
Oakie in "Sky Bride"; 19, Dorothy 
Mackaill in "Love Affair"; 20-21, 
Ricardo Cortez in "Symphony of Six 
Million" ; 22, Tom Keene in "Ghost 
Valley"; Wheeler and Woolsey in 
"Girl Crazy"; 24-25, Leslie Howard 
in "Reserved for Ladies"; 26, "The 
Deceiver," with Lloyd Hughes; 27- 
28, John Barrymore in "State's At- 
torney"; 29, "Riders of the Desert" 
with Bob Steele. 

And of these shows may we par- 
ticularly recommend "State's At- 
torney" and "Thunder Below." 
Barrymore turns in one of his 
swellest performances in the former, 
and in the latter Bankhead does the 
customary things to you. Good sup- 
porting casts. 

Homecoming Number 


(Continued frnni Pnt/c 21 ) 
Bob didn't. (Bob isn't very popular 
around the Sigma Kappa House 
these days). But today I heard the 
sad news that the S. K.s had had to 
request their new pledge to leave, for 
she was guilty of a grave .social error, 
and none of her erstvvhile sisters 
dared tell her about it. 

Whatever derogatory is said 
about our dear old collitch. we have 
to admit that our Professors are pre- 
cocious; Professor Swain, in his 
"History of the Hebrew People" 
course, seriously observed that chil- 
dren are not often born at the age 
of seventy. 

LaBelle Klingle 

When Mary Kingle was a little 
girl, the little boy next door fell 
madly in love with her. She admits 
that he did so he must have. He 
promised her a gold bicycle and a 
diamond ring. Alas, true love riui- 
neth not smooth, so they drifted 
apart. They met in St. Louis, of all 
places, this summer, and she went for 
a ride with him. And — in the 
rumble seat there was a gold bicycle 
and in his pocket a dime store dia- 
mond ring. And before the evening 
was over, here comes the best part, 
the poor sap wanted to exchange the 
dime ring for a real one. 

Are the Phi Kappa Sigmas ever 
playful! They got one of their 
brothers a blind date the other night, 
and then proceeded to play a dastard- 
ly trick on him. (The vipers). First 
of all. they had a girl call dear old 
Bill or Joe or Hank (does it matter 
who it was?) and say she was his 
date for the evening and that she 
wanted him to come over an hour 
early. Then what did the ornery 
rascals do but call the girl, pretend 
it was good old Bill or Joe or Hank 
and say he'd be a half hour late! And 
the dear brother was consequently 
an hour early. But the "tragedy of it 
all is that great old Bill or Joe or 
Hank had such a helluva good time 
that nite that all he gave his frater- 
nity' brothers was his many. many. 
thanks for the keen date they got him. 









TH(»S. ((KIK & SON 







■60 cOcfj) 


Colo lap^at^ J^ 

fjeWc't'^ Ktrtc/ 









PHONE 6-1100 
Day and Night Auto Service — Repair Work 

Greasing and Washing — Storage $5 a Month 


McCormick Transfer Company 

Phone 5304 

lib" Smith Walnut 


"Next t<( Iniiian Hotel" 

Some freshman walked up to 
Dolly Kircher, the only smoothie PE 
major in the Theta house for years 
and years, and asked about her 
motoring-vehicle tests — and just to 
clear things up, Emily, she meant 
motorability 1 

Heard any night at dinner in any 
sorority house: Such and such a 
cleaner will give us ten per cent of 
all stuff sent, followed by an imme- 
diate chorus of the other ten agents 
of other cleaners who are doing the 
same thing. Cleanliness, Godliness, 
and the dear old depression sure go 
hand in hand this year. 

Tea for Team 

The Junior Manager of the 
-Football Team has formally an- 
nounced his hope that the faculty or 
somebody will see to it that the team 
is served tea after every practice — 
and the tea must have lemon in it. 

Xothwithstanding the tactics 
which Marie Dressier and Polly 
.\Ioran resorted to in order to win 
the election in their movie, "Politics," 
we are certain (one can never be 
more certain than that) that they 
would vehemently deny having any 
part in the politics on this campus. 

The Illio of 1932-33 will be out 
on time this year if the P(^P House 
has anything to do with it! The 
Woman's Editor, Woman's Business 
.Manager, two Junior Managers, and 
two holding down Sophomore jobs 
are all sistern in this particular fra- 
ternal order. 

Gn account of the w. k. depres- 
sion and the high cost of Lipton's, 
Ridgeway's, (name it and take it) 
tea, the Lambda Chis are contem- 
plating giving a cocoa dance in the 
near future. 

The homecoming grads will please 
(rather, leave out the "please") take 
note of the new mechanisms which 
the cabs are sjwrting this year. 

We saw the Kappa architect de- 
Hberately using a telescope in survey- 
ing class right on the campus the 
other day. I'll never walk down the 
broadwalk without my long under- 
wear again. 

We!)! Well! Now what will 
we liave today. Let us have an 
election children. And where will 
we have this election? Well let me 
think (you are probably tired). I'll 
tell you. We will have the election 
right in the press room of the Lion 
Eye. They tell me they use old lUini 
for wall paper in the room. There is 
no hand writing on the wall in this 
case but are there ever "pans" hung 
on the wall. What more sacred 
place could there be for an election. 
Right next to the Edi-tear-all room. 
Think of the advantages the press 
room holds. Any time the ballot 
supply runs low start the press. Make 
it a game. Give everyone a chance 
to vote. Let everyone practice 
\oting. Don't just vote once. Vote 
five or six times. E\eryone have a 
good time. Everyone play. Think 

nothing of it. After all Zup says 
"it's not the play, it's the execution." 
Speaking of executions, let's have 
one. We have everything to work 
with. We have "Norrie" Thomp- 
son with his Old Line. He could 
use the "old line" to string up Lowell 
Blanchard and then Lowell could 
start talking and blow him over. If 
Ot would Willet the three of them 
could get together and write an 
editorial that woidd burn up the 
Lion Eye. Heavens! Here we are 
with the world's greatest college 
newspaper in flames and the whole 
campus blushing. Let's turn off the 


Teacher: "Johnny, would you 
like to go to Heaven?" 

Johnny: "Yes, but mother told 
me to come right home after school." 
— Sour Old. 

What's the book? 

t^ne Thousand Things for Boys to 

Ah! The directory of a large girls 
school. — M'idoic. 

"I wish I had my wife back. " 

"Where is she?" 

"I sold her for a bottle of 

"So you foimd out you really love 

"No, I'm thirsty again." 

— Purple Parrot. 

You dont Need to Paq fancq 

Prices "/((^^ Collect cSta1mn£Aa 


You can't buy any stationery at nnv price better suited 
to your informal correspondence than the new "450 
Package." It is correct note sheet size, 6"x7 '.Thequahty 
is aaually better than found in many boxes of high- 
priced stationery. 

Give American Stationery for Christmas. It's a better 
gift than ever this year. Make up your list now and have 
your Christmas shopping done — early, economically 
and thoughtfully. 


Originator & IVor/J's L^irst^l SXanuf^icturer of Printed Sote Pap€r 


IHIS note paper 
is correct for informal correspondence. We have 
supplied it for 18 years to many of America's most 
prominent families. It has been a favorite also among 
college men and ■women. 

With the introduction of the ne-w "450 Package" 
the cost of this fine note paper is made lower than 
ever. It actually costs less than cheap stationery. 

It's the same style note paper we have sold for 
18 years — same printed name and address — same 
prompt delivery — same price. Hut the quantity is 
now 50% greater! 

Send one dollar ($1.10 west of Denver and out- 
side of U. S.) and get one of the biggest bargains in 
fine merchandise offered in America. Your package 
printed and on its way to you within 3 days of re- 
ceipt of your order. No agents or dealers. Sold by 
mail only. Absolute satisfaction guaranteed. 

300 Note Sheets . Formerly 200 
ISO Envelopes . . Formerly \00 

450 Pieces . . . Formerly 300 

r^U Printed with your 
Name and Address 


The American Stationery Co., 700 Park Avenue, Peru, Ind. 
Here is $1 for a box of "450 Stationer)'," to be printed and mailed 
as shown below. ($1.10 west of Denver and outside of U.S.) 




"Nature in the Ratv"~as 
funtrayed by the artist, N. C. 
W'veth . . . inspired by the 
heartless treachery of a band 
of vicious Miami Indians, 
who massacred the settlers 
xi'ith inhuman ferocity .. t 
August 15, 1812. 

—and raw tobaccos 
have no place in cigarettes 

They are not present in Luckies 

■. . . the mildest cigarette 

you ever smoked 


E buy the finest, the very 
finest tobaccos in all the 
world — but that does not explain 
why folks everywhere regard Luckv 
Strike as the mildest cigarette.The 
fact is, we never overlook the 
truth that "Nature in the Raw is 

Seldom Mild" — so these fine tobac- 
cos, after proper aging and mel- 
lowing, are then given the benefit 
of that Lucky Strike purifying proc- 
ess, described by the words — "It's 
toasted". That swhyfolksinevery 
city, town and hamlet say that 
Luckies are such mild cigarettes. 

"It's toasted" 

That package of mild Luckies 

"If a man u-rite a better hook, preach a better urmon. or make a better mouse-trap than his neighbor, tho he 

build his home ni the unods. the xmrld u ill make a beaten path to his ^nor "—RALPH WALDO EMERSON. 

Does not this explain the world-wide acceptance and approval of Lucky Strike? 




7-3/06 ab .^j -, jq/j 

^^^ i-i^^'^ 



'pardon ivy poise 

When you're in a Hot Spot 
-light a cool OLD GOLD 

Finer tobacco, that's the answer. 
Queen-leaf tobacco iiom the heart of 
the stalk. The choicest and coolest 
burning of all Turkish and domestic. 

Get this, folks: 

not a cough in a carload 

) P-I.orillarU Co..Inc 

Girls' yiimhcr 

How to Become a BW'OC in 4 Easy Lessons 

The Freshman Year — Whatever clothes you come down 
here with, whether advised by Aunt Minnie, Mother, or 
Elmer's cousin who knows a buyer tor a store wlio went 
to Paris once, they will never be just right. Far better to 
make up your wardrobe after you have looked around down 
here, or, much better still, don't bring any clothes down at 
all. Why wait for two or three years to become a social 
success and the sweetheart of Sigma Chi? Pledge either 
one of the assured four best sororities, one which has control 
of your pet activity, or none at all. Go into at least three 
activities. Orange and Blue Feathers is a swell place to get 
sarcastic about other people's clothes and a much more lull- 
ing inducement to sweet sleep than a class lecture. The 
"Y" and Woman's League teas come in the same classifi- 
cation, and also provide excellent training for pouring hot 
things down the back of that woman you just can't stand. 
If you yearn to emote, try Trash and Bawdy; if you lean 
toward the bohemian, eccentric, or just plain screwy, pub- 
lications are your career. If you want to stand out, (in 
capital letters) date a politician, run your dates in shifts, or 
slide down public banisters. (Realsilk adv.). 

The Sophomore Year — Keep up the good work, activi- 
ties, clothes, and same advice as to pledging. If you haven't 
had a date yet, better buy one of those plain-covered little 
books, wait until Homecoming (even Almy Matter has a 
date then), or get in training for Fly Baita Katcha and for- 
get about Fraternity Row, The idea is to get before your 
public, which can be done by dating a sophomore on the 
Lion Eye and walking up and down an aisle absentminded- 
ly wearing a formal which may be absent-minded in spots. 
Committees are generally considered nice to have around, as 
the saying goes, "Committee one, committee all. " It de- 
pends on how you look at it, and how it looks at you. If it 
looks at you, you may be surprised, (unless you have learned 
to get around) to find yourself in Scorch. Don't worry they 
don't notify your folks about it. 

The Junior Year — By this time you should be wearing 
a strip of orange ribbon on Wednesdays, which will look 
like hell with the new fall shades. You should rate Axe- 
grinders, Delts, and a private berth in Hanley's. If not, 
just proceed as usual, learn to be blase and sneer at Betas, 
ostentatiously drink straight A, and who knows, you may 
get the Eta Beta Gate. 

The Senior Year — Either you have arrived or you might 
as well finish up at Steven's. Of course there are beauty 
contests, but rhev are alwavs with us, and who cares? 

The Isles of Greece for the Gridiron or 
a Football Coach's Prayer 

Must we but weep oe'r days more blest? 
Must we but blush — Our brothers bled 
Preps render up from thy breast 
A sampling of thy Trojans Dread 
Or send a man like Grange to me. 



With your name imprinted 
as lo^^■ as 50 for $1 


IWewest Hollywood Desigtis 
Greater Values 



Al Cuiiipus 

709 South \\ liyht Strcl 



"A rag and a bone and a hank of hair." 

— Kipling. 

"Much ado about nothing." 


'Ribs and fig leaves." 


'That thar flood was too long, oh Lord!" 


Girls' Number 

CARL J. DIESF.R £dilor-in-Cliiej 

WILLIAM A. ZOELLER Business Manager 

Editorial Staff 

Donald F. Mulvihill Issociale EJilot 

Wilfred J. Brogden Office Mana/jrr 

Gerald McCJrew R. D. La Fond 

Carl Foreman David Eldred 

Jaine> Davis 

Nita Ramey II' Oman's Editor 

Miriam Van Buskirk Exchange Editor 

Betty Jane Kendall Shirley Day 

Lillian Stanford Winnie Haslam 

Lynn Pierce 4rt Editor 

Jane Fauntz Associate Art Editor 

D. M. Meskimen Assistant Art Editor 

H. Samuel Kruse Ted Parmclee 

Evelyn Lantz Florentia Metzger 

Adeline Cross Julie McHale 

Bett\ Ro>> 

Business Staff 

Donald Faulkner Idvrrtising Manager 

H. H. Otten Issislant Advertising Manager 

Wm. Dalton Circulation Manager 

Murray Shrader Copy Manager 

Elaine Geidel! Office Manager 

Wilhur J. Thompson Collection Manager 


Betty CJoby, Dori> Frazin, Seymour Her>hman, 

Lillian Saltzman, Adele Pohl 

Published monthly by the Illini Publishing Company, University of Illi- 
nois, during the college year. Entered as second-class matter at the 
Post-Office at Urbana. Illinois, by act of Congress, March 3, 1879. 
Office of publication. Illini Publishing Company. Subscription price 
SI. 00 the year. ,\ddress all communications, Illinois Union Building, 
Champaign, Illinois. Copyright, 1932, by The Siren. Exclusive reprint 
right granted to ©UgeHuniOr magazine. 


Pocahontas Slightly Revived 

Our little Pocahontas was from Chicago, which means 
bad smell in the Indian lingo. Sad was her plight indeed, 
for she had no beauty, no charm, and no poise. In short 
she was a flop to the nth degree. In desperation her old 
man called her on the mat before him, and quoth he, "Go 
forth to the great school of Chief Illiniwek and get unto 
thyself the knowledge of books, feathers in thy head band, 
and never darken the slit of my wigwam again until thou 
hast taken unto thyself a brave as husband." 

Two moons later foimd Pocahontas on the hunting 
grounds of the mighty Illini. She was encamped in a ho\el 
which was named by a person that stuttered slightly. The 
name was Delta, Delta, Delta which means scalp 'em, scalp 
'em, scalp 'em ! She was rudely disturbed one night by the 
rasping voice of a high member of the household, "Get up, 
sleepy one, and don your war paint, fetter your arrows, and 
flex your bows; you go on your first hiuit party with a brave 

"Why am I thus sought by any brave," wondered Poca- 
hontas," for I am indeed called a washout by all my inti- 

Ah, Pocahontas. She knew not of blind dates. She 
guessed not that among the Illini there was a great dearth 
of maidens. Great indeed ! Even one so void of sex as she 
might have found favor in the beauty-starved eyes of an 
Illini brave. 

The hour of nine p. m. moon time found little Poca- 
hontas leaning upon the strong right arm of an Illini known 
as Fish. Swallowing difficidty twice, Fish led her among 
paths on end until at last they stood before the threshhold 
of a great tent of vice and evil-doings. Into this den our 
Pocahontas was led and deposited in a dark nook overhung 
with dried oak leaves. The Fish ordered great quantities 
of beer into which he poured a clear sparkling liquid. Our 
Pocahontas had seen and heard of this bright liquid, but had 
never enjoyed its magic powers. It was Fire-water ! — A to 
students of chemistry. 

After many shy and blushing refusals, she consented to 
partake of this concoction. She drank one, two, and yet a 
third stein of delight. Behold! — A new Pocahontas. Her 
eyes had taken on a dreamy come-hither look. Her hair 
was ruflled to just that degree that makes any woman seem 
alluring. Her lips were slightly parted, and she had changed 
into a dream-girl for the, by this time, inebriated Fish. 

At last the dizzy couple staggered up to a hall of 
dancing, where many braves beat upon tom-toms and played 
flutes, led by a funny man in a long black coat. By this 
time Pocahontas had taken on a "bored with it all attitude," 
and had even found a perfectly good English accent whicli 
had been dormant within her all those vears. All these 

** /n A 

things, coupled with the soft strains of music and the com- 
pelling force of fire-water, made this brave Fish more or 
less gaga (Indian for mushy) over little Pocahontas, and 
he lisped naughty bits of love into the big ears of little 

But lo ! The night was passing quickly and the two 
drunks lit out for home. They arrived to the tune of lights 
out. It was past the deadline! Pocahontas was frightened 
unto hysteria (so she claimed). Whoop! Whoop! A 
heluva good goddam she really gave. Fish felt the inner 
man coming to the front, so he kissed her tenderly as he 
helped her to the first rung of the fire escape. She nestled 
for a brief moment in his arms. This touched the peak of 
his emotions and he done the foolish deed — he gave hei his 
badge. Straight away she clambered up and disappeared 
into the darkness. Here was a feather to show the old man 
at home! The Poor Fish walked slowly into the night. 

Many moons have passed that first night, and Poca- 
hontas has come to be in great demand. She spends many 
nights in the guzzling of fire-water. Instead of feathers in 
her head-band she has badges on her chest and that's not 
all — she's a whose little whoozis. 

All hail to Pocahontas, the outcast who made good 
among the Illini! Is it not altogether fitting and proper 
that we, her survivors, should erect some monument to her 
memory? The author would suggest that a tablet, made of 
some base metal, be selected and hung in a prominent place 
among the Illini tributes. At the close of each year, the 
senior woman who has garnered the most badges during her 
college career would have her name engraved upon this 
place of achievements. It is the authors opinion that in 
years to come this tablet would put IVIortar Board and all 
other honors to shame. It would be a definite step toward 
making necking a required course in the Fine Arts School. 

Girls' Siimber 


I hear Kay Tuach doesn't care for 
these traveling scholarship things. 
They do say the Delta Zetas are so 
ritzy to the Phi Mus, I guess it's 
their new curtains. 

Isn't Dorsey Connors «-earing her 
widow's weeds well — and they say 
Jimmy Lundeberg is going to teach — • 
fancy that! and imagine — her engi- 
neer is gone — building Erector sets 
in Arizona — they say ! Of course, 
now — far be it from me to say any- 
thing but — they do say Joe Mira- 
bella, that Mule driver person, keeps 
all his press-clippings in a book, yeah, 
a stamp-book — he's got two of them 
filled up now . 

And do you know, not that I'd 
want to gossip but the house is just 
jittery over it — I mean, my dear, the 
T. P. A.'s — oh yes — her house is just 
wondering if Marcia Puckett is 
going to get that Zeta Bete pin she's 
been angling for — they do say it's 
either that or a Phi Si — ^well, it's all 
right — they're neighbors — And do 
you know — it's the funniest thing — 
the Tri-Delts have taken to locking 
their front windows after hours — 
they do say that National had some- 
thing to do with it — 

\ es and the PoPs. my dear, can 
you imagine? The PoPs have started 
to clean out the Da\enport house in 
their search for pledges — Marie 
Handschuh '34 starts the procession 
— "hope springs eternal in the human 
breast." they say — though I do say it 
as shouldn't — ! Understand now — 

Not that I want to gossip but — 
I've heard — 

That an Alpha Phi pin was found 
and do you know — it was found on 
the inside, mind you — of a gallon tin 
— you know, those gallon container 
things — out on the road to Bloom- 
ington — about five miles — of course. 
it wasn't from this chapter — they 
say — anj-way — 

Isn't it strange the way the Delta 
Gams have gone into oblivion — too 
many pins there, I guess . . . well, 
college is a great hunting ground . . . 

"But, where are they?'' 

And isn't it apaling — I mean just 
simply appalling, this depression 
thing, what with the A. T. O.'s and 
Sigma Nus receiving — an\"way, isn't 
it appalling — how do you spell that 
word ? I heard some Theta use it 
and I simply love it — though she 
didn't know how to spell it either — 
anyway that makes two of us — I 
mean — that don't know how to spell 
it. . . . 

Oh — you haven't heard? uh-huh 
— it seems as though the Zeta Psi's 
could have picked some other way of 
getting publicity — 

Ooo — who's that? I mean that 
good-looking tall Irishman that's 
talb'ng to that couple sitting down 
now — oh — is that so? Well, I never 
did like Kappa Sig pins, they're the 
sort of — ^well, sort of like a price- 
tag — don't you think — 

Come on — let's go — I don't want 
to meet him — though I would like to 
know what he sees in her, of all 
people ! 

Remember — this wasn't a scandal 
session. I hate a person who gossips. 
don't you — yeah let's get out of here 
— the orchestra's going — 

Did the Kappa pledges become so 
active that it was necessary to make 
at least one date during the week 

Speaking of — 

Football, the only thing wrong 
with the game is that the depression 
has caused our alums to go back on 
their school notes. 

Women, it strikes me that they do 
enough talking about themselves — so 
why throw a drink to a drowning 

Depression — we'd rather not. 

Drinking, why is a "horse's neck" 
a "horse's neck" — or do vou in- 

Business, the only people who are 
making cash sales are the cosmetic 

Have You Ever Noticed 

A woman's brain power and in- 
telligence is in inverse ratio to her 
beauty — so we've heard. 

Which leads us to the recollection 
of Professor McClure who said. 
"College for women is useless — if 
she is homely it's insufficient, and if 
she is beautiful she doesn't need it," 
So, say we, why college — for women. 
The answer being — they're here to 
shop around. Just "shopping 
'round," that's all. 

Miss Stutzman, of the English de- 
partment, cleaning house — that is, on 
one occasion that we know of — at 2 
a. m. — Vacuum sweepers are noisy. 
(Continued on Page 24) 






Month ivlien co-eds don wool panties 
If'ind's too cold titrouyh silken scanties. 
Month <when trees arc bare and grim 
Puddles have an icy skim. 
Month ivhose sign is Sagittarius 
The Centauer with a look nefarius. 
Not much shopping time 'til Christmas 
Wonder where my last year's list wasf 
Month when frightened students I'ow 
To really settle doiun to work right now 
Month that for a birthstone has 
The softly glowing gold topaz. 
(fVe used this gem for last month too 
The rhymes for o/ial, alas, are few.) 
Month of turkey meat and dressing 
Family dinners most distressing. 
The question now that baffles all 
H'ho'll I drag to the Christmas hrawlf 


Girls' Number 

30 Days and Costs * 

Tu. 1 — All Saints' day, but sinners may go on breathini>. 

We. 2 — All Souls' day; stop at shoe repair shop. 

Th. 3 — Picnic season definitely over; last ant vanishes. 

Fr. 4 — \\ ill Rogers born, 1879, in unreclaimed territory, still 
unreclaimed, 1932. 

Sa. 5 — Wisconsin game at Madison. 

Su. 6 — Psi Upsilon founded 1833 at Union college; this day 
will do as well as any other in November. 

Mo. 7 — Eve directs search for fur-lined fig leaf, 1000 B. G. 

Tu. 8 — General election day — either Hoover or Roosevelt 

We. 9 — Star course offers Grace Moore, soprano. 
Th. 10 — Snow flurries or possibly sleet and hail. 

Fr. 11 — Armistice day. Gamma Phi Beta founded 1874 at 
University of Syracuse. 

Sa. 12 — Indiana game. 

Su. 13 — Full moon but ten-thirty night. 

Mo. 14 — Robert Fulton born, 1765; "Roll on you Mississippi." 

Tu. 15 — Lambda Chi Alpha, 1911, founded at Boston univer- 
sity, in case you care. 

We. 16 — Forty-five days till end of leap year. 

Th. 17 — Opening of Suez canal, 1869; Kipling begins poem. 

Fr. 18 — "But, Dad, times have changed since you were in 

Sa. 19 — Ohio game; Dads' day; exchange of Illibuck. 

Su. 20 — Sigma Phi Epsilon founded, 1901, sometime in No- 
vember, Richmond college, Virginia. 

Mo. 21 — Governor of North Carolina said to governor of South 
Carolina, "Let's ratify the Constitution," 1789 
(fooled you!). 

Tu. 22 — St. Cecelia; was overlooked on November 1; still 
plaving organ. 

We. 23— Delta, Ditto, Ditto, founded Thanksgiving eve, 1888. 

Th. 24 — Thanksgiving day; roast turkey, cranberry sauce, and 

Fr. 25 — Cold sliced turkey; thirty days till Christmas. 

Sa. 26 — Turkey a la king. 

Su. 27 — First Sundav in Advent; "know anvone driving 

Mo. 28 — Instruction resumed at 1:00 p. m. 
Tu. 29 — No fraternity founded this date. 

We. 30 — Mark Twain born, 1835; Ananias turns over in grave. 


Slimy Chuck Logan 

Charlie Logan writes sensible 
editorials for the world's greatest 
college daily, but he can also write 
senseless poemtry, and we can prove 

I wish I were a worm 

A sticky, slimy, slithery sperm 

Without a single hair 

Upon my shape so bare. 

Rather a silly wish for anyone who 
wants a choosy girl like Mary Hen- 
ley to like him! 

They tell this of the members of 
a Wright street sorority, and we 
don't mean Theta or Pi Phi : 

They sit in class and get E's. 

They sit in class and smile and 
get D's. 

They take the prof out for cokes 
and get C's. 

They take him on their celebrated 
"parties" and get B's. 

And they've been known to get 

And Big Perch Willett 

All great men have hobbies, and 
Ott Willett is no exception, his once 
being the collection of mail-boxes. 
One night the fighting editor fancied 
the idea of decorating his room with, 
not the common or garden variety of 
mail-boxes you and I hopefully tack 
up outside our front door, but the 
R. F. D. type. Accordingly a festive 
group of young gentlemen gathered 
surreptiously a mess of mail-boxes. 
Ott grew tired of his burden and 
generously loaded it on the others, 
and anyway he was the one who had 
thought of the idea. When the 
bunch had wearily trudged home, 
they were so sick of the damn boxes 
they gave all the loot to Ott. 

"Squeak" Eldred, Theta Delt, is 
our idea of Casanova in rompers. 

Gene Schooley and a friend were 
approaching the outskirts of Dan- 
ville, Decatur, or something one day, 
when they ran into a long procession 
of cars, also going toward town. The 
friend had a press card, which is the 
next best thing to a Murad, so they 
stuck the card in the wind-shield and 
breezed importantly past the long 

line of less privileged people. At the 
end, or beginning (depending on 
where you are at the time), was a 
(you guessed it) hearse. 

If you wondered why the or- 
chestra out at the Fantasy suddenly 
folded up at 1 o'clock. Homecoming 
morning, and returned your cover 
charge, you must have arrived just 
after the establishment entertained a 
few revenue officers with a mid-night 

The Kappa Key 

When one stoops to snoop, as I 
do to get material for a column like 
this, he generally is rewarded with 
some juicy scandal. And so was I. 
Therefore, I wish to know just why 
four Delta Zetas deemed it necessary 
to sneak in their back door at 10:45 
on the night of October the 3rd? But 
I suppose they should be given credit 
for tip-toeing to the back — they were 
probably thoughtful girlies, who 
hated to disturb the housemother. 
And most of the girls in other houses 
are not thoughtful like that — they 
come up and ring the front doorbell, 
climb in the chapter-room window, 
or — horrors of horrors — don't come 
in at all. Doris Blake please copy. 

And speaking of coming in after 
hours — the Kappa Key seems not 
only to be a fiction, but a very real 
reality. In fact there are many, many 
Kappa Keys, and all of them, inci- 
dentally, open the front door. The 
Dean's office got wind of this super- 
abundancy of keys and has requested 
that the only key hereafter to be at 
the Kappa house be the one which 
the little lady on the corner of the 
house holds. 

But list, my children, to the best 
story of the month. Si, one of the 
obnoxious Chi Betas, took himself a 
taxi (brave boy) on a date the other 
night. When halfway to Robeson's, 
the cheerful little light that usually 
burns so merrily on in the meter, 
went out. Whereupon, Si, undaunted, 
and fearful lest the meter try some 
dirty work while he was in the dark, 
lit matches all the rest of the way! 
And. as if that weren't enough to try 

Girls' Number 

the soul of the most harJ-boilcd cab- 
driver, the said obiioxioiis Chi Hetc 
asked the driver for the front wheel 
of the cab, because he felt he had 
bought it. 

And speaking of cabs, (or was I?) 
a certain little Betty Co-ed ran up 
a six — count 'cm — six dollar cab-bill 
on an unsuspecting male from out of 
town the other night. Bett^' was not 
ready when the said male arrived 
with the cab, and in true fashion, 
took an half-hovn- or so to come 
downstairs. Incidentally, the male is 
unsuspecting no longer! 

King George and Joe 

The entire Levy family, we hear, 
can trace themselves, on the distafl 
side, to the Holy Virgin herself. . . . 
In East Aurora, New York, is a new 
fangled diet sanatorium of some sort 
that has a head nurse by the name of 
Miss Hunger. . . . The natives of 
\Vilmington, Illinois, the native 
heath of Hank Avery, erstwhile 
editor of the Siren, still tell about 
the time when King George, then 
the prince of Wales, visited that 
town. As any oldster will remem- 
ber he made a tour of the coimtry 
back in eighty or something like that, 
the object being to do a little fancy 
hunting. He stopped in Wilming- 
ton, the duck hunting there being 
particularly something to talk of. 
The big event of one Sunday after- 
noon happened when the Prince was 
hauled up before the village justice 
of the peace and fined for hunting on 
Sunday. . . . 

Joe Mirabella has ceased wearing 
his yello\\- shoe-tweed suit and 
bowler-hat outfit for some reason or 
other. . . . He's a good guy just the 
same, but . . . And whyinhell did 
the Delta Zetas nail one of their 
doors shut? We're asking you. . . . 
And have you seen the illegitimate 
son of their Newfoundland, Rex, 
that's been wandering about the cam- 
pus of late? ... Or maybe Delta — 
well, maybe Newfoundland's don't 
have illegitimate children . . . How 
should we know ? . . . 

On Tap 

Bill Donahue's massive beer-keg, 
which has smooth and intricate de- 
vices involving compressed air and 
what-not for dispensing cool and 
fragrant nectar, and which cost the 
maestro mucho wampum, was recent- 
h' carried off by a Homecoming Phi 
Kappa Sig. Social activities will be 
revived in some small town this 

A certain law student who "passed 
out" of summer school was last 
heard of on a bridge in Missouri. 
Nobody knows what has since hap- 
pened to the gentleman, who lives in 
Dieterich, which is so close to Effing- 
ham that it is unfortiuiate. Can 
something be done about this? 

A prominent Uni High senior 
(female) was recently asked to 
luncheon at one of the elite sorori- 
ties. As she did not care for "those 
old 's," she politely sent her re- 
grets as "she had the itch!" 

Lounging Around 

The brethren over at the APX 
hovel have to scour the basement 
lounge after house dances, in case 
Brother Mcintosh and date might 
have been mislaid. Last year Brother 
Mcintosh enjoyed the dance so much 
that he sat it all out in the lounge, 
and was found there with his date 
after all the other brethren had taken 
their dates home and returned. The 
poor thing is still living it down. 

Virginia Polonis, ZTA, is called 
"(jin" on week-ends, by personal re- 

We hear that it is a social error 
to date for a football game up at 
Northwestern. Any unfortunate 
couple arriving together are volun- 
tarily separated by the storm of de- 
rision and comment such a faux pas 
invariably arouses. 

Is there any significance in the 
fact that one group of girls on cam- 
pus call them.selves the K. A. T. (s) ? 

We hear that the best dressed 
Gamma Phi is she who leaves the 
house first. 

( Cont'miieil on Page 14) 






♦ or Little Eva Comes Through 

Little Eva Burp, Kappa pledge '36, was in one hehiva 
quandary. Yet, indeed, it was some quandary ; it could even 
have been called a jam. "What a guard 'em jam I'm in, " 
though little Eva, as she stepped outside the portal of the 
Kappa jernt, chewing her lips. Some lips! And so, by 
lips and bounds she found herself on the corner of Wright 
and Green streets, contemplating her dilemna (whoops!) 
What was bothering little Eva was this : that evening 
Martha van Catskill Hyphen Doakes, head of the Kappa 
house, had handed little Eva a handy, purse-size time bomb, 
with instructions to plant said bomb by, beneath, or ad- 
jacent to the Theta mansion in order to blow same sk> 
high. And so, at eight o'clock on tiiis bomby evening we 
find our heroine on the corner in sore straits. To blow or 
not to blow, wondered little Eva. 

Unconsciously, little Eva's tootsies led her in the direc- 
tion of the Theta house in no time at all (well, practically 
no time at all ) ; soon she stood before its portals, listening 
to the deep, rhythmic sounds of earnest study. And here 
little Eva paused. She hesitated. She wavered, wavered 
east, west, south and north. North leads with the spade 
king, east counters with a diamond sluff, south trumps with 
the ace of hearts, and west tops the raiser two blue chips. 
Score: Illinois, 62; Northwestern, 4. But she who hesi- 
tates is lost, and when little Eva finally found herself once 
more she knew that she could never send these happy, in- 
nocent maidens, that she could never take a human life, 
orders from JVIartha van Hyphen Catskill Doakes or no 
orders from Hyphen van Martha Catskill. So she mooched 
off, with the minutes swiftly ticking along and the bomb 
set to explode at eight-thirty. 

And then, a thought struck little E\a. Zowie ! Slu- 
could bury the bomb in the ground, and the ensuing ex- 
plosion would hurt nobody. Nobody but — ah, there was 
the rub, nobody but the poor blind earthworms . . . Little 
Eva shuddered. To massacre the naive, happy-go-lucky 
earthworms — no, a thousand times no. No ! No ! ! NO ! ! ! 
She decided in the negative. At twelve minutes past eight 
little Eva thought of tossing the bomb into a tree. But 
then, the birds; the twittering, peeping birds that sang so 
sweetly in the morning. She knew one bird who could 
sing "We're marching for dear old Illini" in six languages, 
including the Scandinavian. No, she could never kill the 
birds, God's gift to man. 

Time was growing short. Eva could hear the time 
mechanism ticking away like a freshman's heart on his first 
blind date. At eight-twenty she was about to throw the 
bomb into the Boneyard, but the thought of the poor little 

bones, resting there since 1862, uiuierved her. She could 
never send those bones out of their resting place into gonnos- 
where — never. And by this time she was really in a heluva 
fix. Suddenly, with two and three-quarter minutes to go, 
inspiration struck little Eva like an irrestible force hitting 
an immovable object (hotcha!) She hastened ahead, her 
eyes shining with the light that denotes the courage and 
high moral purposes which makes heroes and martyrs of us. 
Soon she was at her destination, and with about sixteen 
seconds to go she placed the bomb beside an imposing build- 
ing. Now she could tell Catskill Hyphen van Martha a 
thing or two, now she could face her fellow pledges with 
her face, now she could go home in peace. Little Eva 
opened the door and went in. Eour seconds later the Kappa 
house spread like a cauliflower ear, as the bomb smashed it 
to smithereens. 

Yes, despite the fact that she was really kind-hearted 
and hated to hurt dumb animals, little Eva had come 
through with a bang! 

Dorothy Delta's Definitions: 

abode — almost, approximately 

abuse — entertain 

absinthe — not present 

ample — a fruit 

abstain — a Jewish surname 

absurd — to notice, see 

balm — what a commuiust carries in his hi|i pocket 

burst — a sausage 

calm — arrive 

canaille — a waterway 

canine — a weapon for discharging heavy shot 

crane — a waxy chalk 

curl — a young woman 

dense — a series of steps timed to music 

hut — very warm 

lizard — one with magical powers 

pond — sixteen ounces 

pore — without wealth 

pucker — a favorite fraternity indoor sport 

rack — to smash, destroy 

raise — a competitive trial of speed 

read — a color 

remembrance — a famous painter 

sap — an instructor 

Walter — a liquid used for bathing 

Girls' Number 





member of Mortar Board, Torch, 
Sigma Delta Phi, Corresponding 
Secretary of Woman's League, 
Mask and Bauble, President of 
National Collegiate Players, and a 
member of Sigma Delta Tau. She 
has been production manager of 
four plays and shows, and has acted 
in as many more. Dances beauti- 
fully and has a southern accent. 


President of the Woman's Athletic 
Association, is a member of Torch 
and Lambda Omega, has won her 
major I, and does much to belie the 
belief that beauty isn't found in the 
ranks of the lady athletes. 

LUCILLE HURN who is Presi- 
dent of Woman's League, a mem- 
ber of Mortar Board, Torch, Phi 
Chi Theta and Alpha Gamma 
Delta, Chairman of the Doll Show 
Supervision Committee, and a 
former Y. W. cabinet officer. Being 
a big shot hasn't elevated her nose 
above its customary angle. 


Girls' Number 





President of Mortar Board, Dad's 
Day General Chairman, a member 
of Torch, Gamma Alpha Chi and 
ZTA, not to mention many other 
varied committees, on all of which 
she does a surprising amount of 
work. She thinks men are con- 
ceited, hates dime cigarettes, and is 
almost always busy. 


senior member of the Illini Board 
of Control, a member of Theta 
Sigma Phi and of Torch, and was a 
Junior Editor on the the Dail>- 
Illini, as well as being one of the 
swellest eggs that Alpha Chi Omega 
ever hatched. 

is Woman's Business Manager of 
the W. G. C. D., a member of 
Mortar Board, Gamma .Alpha Chi 
(aren't we all?), .Alethenai and the 
Y. W. C. \., as well as dear old 
Theta. She has aspirations to be a 
chiseller, hut's still a trifle rough 
at the gentle art. 



The landscape gardener falls in love 

( (yOiitinuc/1 from Fiif/c V^ 

Fling the Feline 

Did you ever play "Fling the 
Feline?" It's one of the most in- 
triguing of our modern games — in- 
vented during Homecoming, and 
played solely on the lUini campus. 
Here are the rules as stated in 
Spaulding's Manual. 

1. The court shall consist of a 
crowded, smoke-filled, campus con- 

2. The contestants must have 
had at least three spiked beers — 
( number above that unlimited ) . 

3. The game shall be played with 
a cat — either sex — neutral if possi- 

4. The object being to seize the 
cat by his posterior appendage and 
fling, him, her, or it from booth to 
booth. No other parts of his, her, or 
its anatomy may be grasped. The 
side first completing an entire round 
of the room, without a fumble, shall 
score five points. 

The boys are being encouraged to 
come out and work for their varsity 
"I" in this sport, which will be 
coached by P. P. Prehns. 

And 'lest we forget— "BEAT 
NORTHWE S T E R N." — The 
words of that immortal phrase, like 
"Arms and the Man," shall forever 

resound in my ears. And yet we 
lost. Why? We had the biggest 
bonfire since the Baptist church 
burnt down. We had more pep 
meetings than a two-bit burlesque. 
Spirits ran higher than gin at the 
Deke house. Homecoming was 
wetter than a W. C. T. U. conven- 
tion in Milwaukee. Can't we put 
the blame on the Homecoming bags 
. . . after all you'll have to admit 
that the team was suspicioush 
weak. . . . 

DCs Horse Out 

Pity the poor Delta Gams who 
summoned all their alums for 50 
miles aroiuid, got all horsed out ami 
waited dinner for sister Ruth 
Bryan (^wen (Wm. Jennings 
Bryan's datter) but the distinguished 
lady politician did not do the fra- 
ternal thing — she just didn't get 
around to lending her illustrious 
presence to the dinner they had pre- 
pared in her honor. 

Add "it's a small world'; the 
Northwestern co-ed from Peoria who 
came down to Chambana to meet 
new men from new places, and 
double-dated one night with two 
Peoria men, and barely escaped 
dating another one (an old playmate, 
to boot) the night before. 

Hair on the Chest 

Dear old Homecoming, when or- 
dinary fraternity men become strong 
and hair-on-the-chest-ish — They rip- 
ped the sound boxes of the Theta 
first floor phones completely of? the 
wall ! 

Nothing like a little cold water 
and a few hard potatoes to liven up 
a serenade. Ask the Sigma Nu's! 
They tell us the boys retaliated with 
globs of nice, soft, gooey mud. 

Blanche Waddell, lllini's fairest 
and the rose of that garden of thorns 
the Theta house has finally decided 

that true love is lovely, but ! She 

used to rate three sneak dates a night. 
We'll see if the peace and quiet of a 
pin ruined the old fight. It's back 
and they're still good friends. 

Betty Lou Hughes gets her offices 
in prize fashion. Kappa Tau Alpha 
didn't even let her know of its meet- 
ing, and then calmly proceeded to 
elect her president of the journalistic 
Phi Betes! 

What prominent politician forgave 
the Theta who gave the Scandal 
Sheet the dirt about him to the ex- 
tent of escorting leetle Nell to the 
Michigan game? My, my, Billy, you 
and your Christian attitude in the 
midst of so much graft and corrup- 
tion ! 

In case this hasn't gotten into print 
yet. Bill Singer's dawg is reported to 
have upped and and bitten him, and 
then upped and died the next day. 

Avery, the Fishman, went to New 
York, had a nice vacation, and all for 
the magnificent sum of $3.50. 

The Phi Kappa Sigmas are certain- 
1\- wise boys ! They had the district 
attorney-elect at their house dance 
last Spring, so that in case of a raid 
there would be no raid. Savvy? 

And did you hear the sad news 
about Joslin '33, and football player? 
He received an invitation from the 
Iris .society of the Y. W. C. A. the 
other day — requesting his presence at 
a tea they were giving and also ask- 
ing him to bring all his girl-friends 
along. Pretty big job for one man, 
eh wot? 

Girls' Number 



Scene — Driveway of Sigma Kappa 

Time 1- :45 a. in. 

Characters — One Sigma Kappa, 
one date, certain uncouth individuals. 

.\ car drives stealthily up and the 
Sigma Kappa and her date alight. 
The man cautiously raises a first floor 
window and boosts the Sigma Kappa 
into her fraternal home. As he turns 
lie discovers an interested audience 
leaning out of the apartment next 
door. The audience leans still 
farther out and as one man chants 
"What's her name? We'd like to 
know her!" The date turning a 
bright rose climbs hurriedly into his 
car and drives away at breakfast 

Moral — Always reside next to a 
field of daisies because they won't 

1 lello Babe 

Certain young ladies from North- 
western who were visiting Cham- 
paign at Homecoming organized a 
racket for meeting stray, but hand- 
some men. The pretty visitors drove 
through the fraternity district until 
they chanced upon an attractive man. 
Then they pulled up to the curb and 
inquired where such and such houses 
were. If they happened to mention 
the \ictim's own pet combination of 
Greek symbols he was immediately 
so flattered that he would draw maps 
or personally conduct a tour to see 
the house. This usually led to more 
flattery and frequently cokes, dates, 
and perhaps lifelong friendships. 
Anyway the N. U. co-eds returned 
to Evanston with a high opinion of 
mini courtesy and also gullibility; 
and if their N. U. friends ever found 
it out they just don't know what 
they'd do. 

The POP house treasurer is on a 
big money-saving campaign. So far 
it has been found that the thing she 
saves most on are the electric lights 
in the drawing room when she's in 
there on a date. 

I heard some very good advice the 
other day, and I pass it on to you in 

the hope that you may perhaps profit 
by it. If you are fat, and your boy- 
friend does not like fat people, 
cli.inge your boy-friend and not your 
figure! And, incidentally, that 
ought to be plenty easy down here. 

Professor Oldfather announced to 
his bored English 54 class, a week 
or so ago, that persons who always 
look happy and contented are those 
persons who never think. He then 
went on to add (and what a faux 
pas it was!) that sorority girls are 
fi/uviys happy. 

This same professor ranted on the 
subject of the ancient Greeks and 
their art not so long ago. In one of 
his weaker moments ( I blush to think 
of it) he stated that the Greeks used 
their marble for statuary instead of 
for soda-fountains and lavatories ! 
For shame. Professor Oldfather! 
You have shattered one of our 
dearest illusions — we always thought 
that was ti/r around the wash- 

It seems to have become a habit 
at the Pi Phi house for dates to 
fall asleep in cars in front of the 
house and be awakened at one by the 
house mother. 


Mr. Sears announced to his Psych. 
2.'i class, this week, that after all, 
there nrc other things in life besides 
sex. After having spent nearly two 
months in his class, I was beginning 
to have my doubts. 

Because someone called up the 
Theta U. at three a. m. not so 
long ago, and pulled the worn-out 
gag about over-night bags, the Theta 
U's thought they had a burglar and 
called the police. Said officers of the 
law arrived just as the D. A. E's 
appeared on the scene, preparatory to 
a .serenade. It was a delightful sur- 
prise for all concerned. 

Imagine the embarrassment of the 
Phi Kappa Sigma who called a 
certain Pi Phi and asked her to go 
to a dance with him that night, only 
to be told that she had sprained her 
ankle when out at a dance with him 
the night before. 

This one ought to be given to 
Ripley — and it's true, by gosh. A 
certain frosh asked us, last October 
12th, if Columbus day were a 
Jewish hoi id a)! 

(Continued on Page 19) 

"Did you-all ring foh de potah, Mam?" 

-Yale Record 



Girls I Have Hated 

There was : 

Irene: She was my first date, when a Freshman, and 
although she was a little seedy, she meant well — and I've 
learned that's a big item. She had not yet reached the stage 
of lipstick, and became hysterical at the thought of a cig- 
arette — but, as I said before, she meant well. ( Hey — what 
is that saying about the road to Hell being paved with good 
intentions?) She wore round garters and rather queer 
shoes, and actually was a girl who could blush. I took to 
drinking, and she gave me up for lost. Then there was: 

Lucille: I met her in someone or other's apartment 
after 1 a. m. on a Friday night. She had had several drinks. 
but was all set for several more. She had exotic eyes, which 
.somehow or other did something to my self-control. She 
wore her black hair straight back, and in a knot at the bend 
of her neck. She could look right through me. in the most 
uncanny way, and yet read my thoughts. (You've guessed 
'em). We parted when I discovered that her eyes did 
things to several other men's self-control, too. Later on, I 
found : 

Marie: She was an awfully sweet girl. Nothing at all 
artificial about her. Was wild about movies, but I dreaded 
taking her to them, because she insisted on giving imper- 
sonations of the actresses, when she came out. She made 
Torch, or some such thing and became quite supercilious 
after that. We broke up when I learned that she had two 
fraternity pins stowed away somewhere. Another one was : 

Nadia: She wore green velvet lounging pajamas, and 
smoked her cigarettes out of a carved jade holder. Her eye- 
lashes were the longest I have ever seen, and she knew how 
to use them. She also knew how to kiss. Consequently, 
she managed to purloin my fraternity pin, and I had one 

helluva time getting it back. Her role was that of a Mary 
Magdalene, minus the repentance. I fell for it in a big way. 
And then I met : 

Gay: She was a silly little thing. I often wonder what 
has happened to her. Sonicthing must have happened, be- 
cause she's the type that always finds excitement. She wore 
me out, chasing after it. She loved taffy-apples, peppermint 
sticks, and practical jokes. I think she even loved me, after 
her fashion. I felt sorry for her, because she did have her 
moments of seriousness, when she realized that life wasn't 
always the joke she would like it to be. She flunked out of 
school, after one semester. 
And now, after all these years, Fm back to: 

Irene: She's no longer seedy — in fact, she's away ahead 
of me, and Fm doing my darndest right now. to catch up 
with her — but several other people have the same idea. After 
four years in a sorority, she has learned what clothes can 
do for a woman — especially one such as she is. She has 
learned, also, the gentle art of lipstick, but still refuses cig- 
arettes. Fm quite mad about her, and think she's just a 
little mad about me, too. I feel right now, as I have felt 
several times before, that I will never love anyone else — 
but this time I am doggone sine of it. 

Men I Have Loved 

Michael: He took me to all the nicest places, and we 
went back and forth in cabs. His cigarettes he smoked in a 
holder which was carved from an elephant's tusk, and he 
wore a cameo ring. But he loved onions. 

Jimmy: He was a platinum blond, and wore deep blue 
ties which just matched his eyes. He drank gin with grace 
unequaled. He drove a Stutz roadster and knew the best 
places to park. But he couldn't dance. 

Percy: He had three tuxedoes. He could have posed 
for the Arrow Collar ads. He belonged to the fraternity. 
He even made the basket-ball team. He honestly loved me, 
and I wore his pin for a semester. Then he and his folks 
went to California. 

Frank: He was a town-boy. Belonged to the Cham- 
paign Country Club, and I went to some nice parties there. 
He almost always wore silk polo shirts which showed off 
his broad shoulders to advantage. He won medals for 
s\\Mmming, and even made a 5-point one semester. But my 
sorority sisters objected to his rude manners. 

Bill: He is my last. We go to a dance now and then, 
and we take the bus. He has only one tuxedo, and he is 
neither an athlete nor a Phi Beta Kappa. He is not hand- 
some and his clothes are not always Bond Street. But he 
has the most beautiful hands I have seen, the most wonder- 
ful smile imaginable, and he's crazy about me. And Cjod. 
how I love him ! 

Girls' Numher 


© 1932, Liggett & Myers Tobacco Co. 


bailing. Sailing, over the Dounding Main 

In over eighty countries ... no matter where 
you may go, by land or by sea or by air . . . you 
can always buy Chesterfields. 

Their reputation for Mildness and Better 
Taste is international. Just ask for the ciga- 
rette that satisfies. 

The cigarette that's MILDER 
The cigarette that TASTES BETTER 


I Wherever you buy 
Chesterfields, you get 
them just as fresh as 
if you came by our 
factory door 



Kaptain Klean Says — 

Send Your Laundry, Dry Cleaning, Pressing, 
Rug Cleaning, Fur Glazing and Fur Storage 

to the 

WHITE LINE — Phone 4206 

"Get the Best and Pay No More" 


or What Price Virtue ? 

(Ed Note — By some mistake the printer set up this 
chapter instead of WHAT PRICE FOC^TBALL? or did 
he do it on purpose?) 

As our dear reader will remember, Egbert had fallen 
from grace (not spelled with a capital) and Hortense no 
longer looked with favor upon him. But he would make 
amends. He called her on the phone, and asked her for a 
date. How nice it was to hear her husky voice! Strange, 
all the Kappa Betas whom he had met had husky voices 
and some people said that husky voices were caused from 
intoxicants. But, no, girls so beautiful and clever wouldn't 
drink. After much thought the girl thought that she could 
see him two weeks from the next Sunday. 

"How nice," thought Egbert, "she must love me!" 

What did he care if the Betas beat his (delete) ! The 
world was beautiful, the breath of romance (or was it 
halitosis?) was in the air. She loved him! 

Faithfully he worked on the ///;/;/. buying cokes for all 
who would listen to his tale. Of course, he never said just 
who she was, but would drop subtle hints as to her identity. 
Most of the boys soon knew that Egbert was gone on the 
Kappa Phi Beta pledge. And this was strange as the Beta 
house president also thought, as he put, that "she was pretty 

At last the two weeks rolled by. Egbert called her on 
the phone in the afternoon. He waited patiently until she 
came. "Oh, hello, Morrie," she cooed into the mouthpiece. 
Surely, thought Egbert, there must be some mistake. The 
head of the Beta house was often called that but could it be 
possible . . .? O green-eyed God of Jealousy, has thou 
found another subject? 

He called for her punctually at five-thirty. They went 
to Hanley's to eat (Note to ad. mgr. — couldn't we get a 
rake-off on these ads), and walked around until nigh unto 

seven-thirty. Pledges to sororities must be in by seven- 
thirty on Sunday nights so that the actives can have a 
chance. They sat down on the porch svdng. Gently she 
laid her head on his shoulder, protesting not at all as he 
pulled her closer to him. She must love him! Slowly she 
turned her face up to meet his. As she broke away from 
their first kiss, she purred, "Take me up to the Chicago 
game." That, thought Egbert, was a real idea. "Take me 
up for that and the next week we're having a house dance. 
I want you to come to that, Egbert." Oh, joy! Oh, bliss! 
Little did Egbert reckon that she meant for him to come 
as a date for her cousin. Time enough for that after the 
Chicago game, to which Morrie wouldn't take her. 

"O. K. !" breathed Egbert, a little strongly perhaps. 
She must love him. "I'll buy the tickets tomorrow." 

He walked home in a trance, and in a trance he stayed 
luitil he figured out the cost of such a week-end. He traced 
the prices on margin of the notebook in which Johnny, his 
room-mate thought he was studying. Here it was: 

Tickets $ 5.50 

Transportation 5.00 

(He could ride up in John's rumble seat) 
Saturday night and Sunday morning.-. 10.00 
Miscellaneous 4.50 

But, wasn't Hortense worth such a paltry figure? Of 
course! But he could see what the boys meant by saying, 
"What Price Football?" 

(Ed. note — maybe it was our faidt; this is the right 
chapter after all). 

And so they went to the football game and since Mr. 
Frederick says we can't leave the campus in our nice car 
we'll have to leave them here and wait, with our reader, 
until next month to hear of EGBERT GOES BACK 

Girls' Number 


(Continued from Page 15) 

Feather Beds 

Imagine the consternation (is that 
the word?) of the audience at one 
of the various literary society's ama- 
teur productions this year. The play 
depicted the beginiu'ngs of life in the 
garden of Eden, and Adam walked 
across the stage to his own creation ! 

Professor Paul broke down and 
confessed to his English 42 class a 
secret which I imagine he has been 
hiding for years. ( At least he should 
have been). In Oberammergau, 
when he was there, the feather beds 
were so high he had to get a step- 
ladder in order to get Mrs. Paul 
into bed. 

We have all heard and read of 
dashing Beau Brummels keeping 
their lady-friends in clothes and cars, 
but this is a new one : a certain young 
man down here keeps the lady of his 
acquaintance well supplied with cans 
of tomato juice. If you don't believe 
it. call 7-2274 for information. 

Art Leasure is leading a double 
life. He is both a fraternity' brother 
and a sorority sister. He may eat 
and sleep at the Delta Theta Phi 
house, but he always attends seminar 
with the Phi Omega Pi pledges. The 
POPs have promised (or is it threat- 
ened?) to present him with ribbons 
in the near future. 

And for whose benefit, if I may 
be so brash as to ask it, is the de- 
livery room in the library? 

Babes and Sucklings 

"Out of the mouths of babes . " 

Billie. Delta Zeta, went to the 
Virginia last night, as the story 
goes. And there were the usual 
newsreels — pretty much taken up 
with the coming election this time. 
"Oh," said Billie. as she began to 
comprehend what the pretty pictures 
were all about, "There's going to be 
an election for President next March, 
isn't there?'" 

Bob Butler, Delta Theta Phi, 
went Prehning last Saturday night 
at one o'clock, and had to be in- 
formed by the lady at the desk that 
his cheek was smeared with lipstick ! 


PleJc^ed to ^'^ 




He Didn 't Find It! 

The gentleman was trying to find 
something wrong with 




I'lionc •.':!.">.■) 70'.' North Neil Street 














-Texas Lontihorn 

Girls' Number 


Chimneys to BVD's 

Having wondered for yars and 
yars what the chimneys on the librar\- 
were good for, I at last learned today 
that they are merely for decorative 
purposes, and I thought mebbe you 
also might like to know. 

Even being laid out in a coffin is 
no excuse for cutting Professor 
Waltz's speech class. Said Prof, 
gave an absent student an E (horrid 
word) for the day, just because his 
shining countenance was not lighting 
up the classroom. When the other 
students objected, stating that the 
party concerned was ill. Professor 
Waltz announced that even being 
ticati ( another horrid word ) should 
not prevent one from attending his 

Silence is golden, the POP 
pledges have learned. Last Monday 
night, the pledgemother had the ten 
of them (they have ten now) lined 
up against the wall, and, with a 
withering look cast in the direction 
of the guilty little blonde, announced 
that one of them had been seen on a 
sneak date the preceding night. 
"Oh," gasped three startled brun- 
nettes simultaneously, "I didn't think 
anyone smv me !" 

One never knows, does one? Mr. 
Houghton, of the sociology depart- 
ment is learning new things about 
customs. This very morning he was 
trying to explain to his bored and 
dumb freshman how customs have 
continued through the years, even 
when there is no need for them. To 
illustrate, he asked the class what 
good the three buttons on men's coat 
sleeves were — and wound up with 
the query, "And why do we have 
slits in our lapels?" One frosh, 
brighter than the rest, ventured the 
suggestion that they were for pledge 

We would like to warn Boh 
Young to be more discreet about 
where he leaves his underwear. Al- 
most all packages look alike when 
wrapped, and consequently automo- 
bile seats are not safe places for the 
disposal of such personal apparel. 
Elsie Minier can testifv to that. 


These two stores are yours 
— operated by a Student 
Board of Directors entire- 
ly for your benefit. 



:»■: South Mathews 

610 East Daniel 



•■■ ^ THEATRE V^ 

Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday 
November 13, 14, 15, 16 

Mighty Five Star Cast 







"NIGHT after 


Paramount's story of daring, exciting 
people, living reckless lives 

"The Cinemajority Go to the Rialto" 



The Cinemagraph 


"Tiger Shark," telling the story 
of "de beeges' dam' feeshermau in 
whole Pacific Ocean, " plays from 
November 10-12. It's a story of the 
biggest sea game, told in the biggest 
way. Edward G. Robinson leads as 
Capt. Mascarena, supported by 
Richard Arlen and Zita Johann. 
It's packed with just about as much 
action as any romance film could be. 

A speakeasy is the locale of "Night 
After Night," opening on the 13th 
for a four-days run. The romance 
of a third-rate pug with social as- 
pirations makes a swell story, com- 
bined with the mystery and polite 
gang warfare found in this picture. 
George Raft, Constance Cummings 
and the notorious Mae West are the 
leads. Who was the lad\ who came 
to "No. 55" every night, always sit- 
ting alone? 

"Madison Square Garden" is a 
grand picture of the fight racket, 
showing both the straight and 
crooked sides, and putting across the 
glamour that attaches itself to the 
name of the Garden. There's a real 
collection of stars in this picture, 
headed by Jack Oakie, and including 
Marian Nixon, Tom Meighan, 
ZaSu Pitts and Lew Cody, as well 
as the ever-popular Warren Hymer. 
This photoplay runs November 17, 
18, IQ. 

Every one of your favorite radio 
stars is found in "The Big Broad- 
cast," which not only succeeds in 
bringing together all the important 
radio stars, but also contains a plot 
that's a laugh romance from start to 
finish, Stuart Erwin, Bing Crosby 
and Leila Hyams play the leads, and 
"The Big Broadcast" includes the 
Mills Brothers, the Boswell Sisters. 
Vincent lyopez. Cab Calloway and 
others. Foiu'-day run, starting the 


John Barrymore is starred in "A 
Bill of Divorcement," playing from 
November 10-12. He is seen as a 
shell-shocked soldier who finds his 
home and his friends have little place 
for him when he returns from the 
hospital fteen years after the Armis- 
tice. Billie Burke plays opposite 
Barrymore in this stirring film. 

On Sunday, 13, the V^irginia fea- 
tures four acts of RKO vaudeville, 
while on the screen "The Last Mile" 
IS seen. 

"Grand Hotel" begins a five-day 
run on the 14th. This production, 
with its all-star cast of Ciarbo, the 

brothers Barrymore, Crawford, 
Stone, Hersholt and others, needs 
little introduction. This is a second 
run, played by popular demand, but 
the picture has not been cut. This 
is the first time that it has played in 
the Twin-Cities at popular prices. 
Here in Grand Hotel the fates of a 
magnate, a dancer, a stenographer, a 
baron and a clerk are all thrown to- 
gether. There is truly a world of 
romance in this picture. 

In the near future Tallulah Bank- 
head and Robert Montgomery will 
appear in "Faithless," as will Jean 
Harlow and Clark Gable in the 
tempestuous play, "Red Dust." 


Zane Grey's "Golden West" plays 
in this theater on the 13th of No- 
vember, with George O'Brien tak- 
ing the lead. This is followed on 
the 15th by the German play, 
"Liebeswalzer," the Love Waltz. 
On the 16th and 17th Maureen 
O'Sullivan appears in "Payment De- 
ferred," while the female racketeer- 
ing show "Hatcheck Girl, " with 
Sally Eilers and Ginger Rogers plays 
on the 18th and 19th. "Wild Girl" 
appears on the 20th, with Joan Ben- 
nett and Richard Farrell. 


November 10-11, Constance Ben- 
nett in "What Price Holl}'\vood !" 
12, "Wayward," featuring Nancy 
Carroll and Richard Arlen; 13, Chic 
Sale in "Stranger in Town"; 14, the 
Powell-Francis team in "Jewel Rob- 
bery" ; 16, Johnny Mack Brown in 
"Flames"; 17-18, "Bird of Para- 
dise," with Joel McCrea and Dolores 
Del Rio; 19, Tim McCoy in "Dar- 
ing Danger" ; 20, Lowell and Mc- 
Laglen in 'Guilty as Hell"; 21-22, 
"Forgotten Commandments"; 23, 
Jack A^Iulhall in "Sinister Hands" ; 
24-25, the Four Marx Brothers in 
"Horsefeathers" ; 26, Jack Holt in 
"Behind the Mask"; 27, Lee Tracey 
in "Doctor X"; 28-29, "Vanishing 
Frontier," with Johnny Mack 
Brown; 30, Clive Brook and Claud- 
ette Colbert in "The Man From 

December 3, Bob Steele in "The 
Man From Hell's Edges" ; 4, 
Ricardo Cortez and Helen Twelve- 
trees in "Is My Face Red?"; 7, 
'The (iood Spirit," featuring Linda 
Watkins; 8-9, Holt and Graves in 
"War Correspondent"; 10, Tim 
McCoy in "Riding Tornado." 

Girts' Number 


The Ideal Go-ed 

Aicording to Chase: She is intelligent, amiable, and — 
ah — virtuous. She is — ah — virtuous, amiable, and intelli- 
gent. She is first of all, intelligent; second of all, amiable; 
and last of all — no, that won't do. She is first of all — oh, 
why lie about it? 

According to Dean Leonard: She looks the world 
squarely in the face, and bows not her head down. She 
puts herself (herself — get that) on a pedestal, and spends 
the rest of her life keeping people from breaking it. She 
wears horn-rimmed glasses, has no eight o'clock on Saturday 
mornings, and is home by two on Friday nights. 

According to Ziippke: She does not date the football 
team. In fact she makes her sorority sisters, who du date 
the team, send the boys home early .so they will not break 
training rules. (And herself and her own date.) She 
cheers the Illinois football team with lusty vigor — at least 
until the opposing team has made four touchdowns. 

According to Iler Professors: She stays awake for at 
least the first fifteen minutes of lecture — which is more than 
most of the other students do. She laughs at our jokes. 
She stops after class to tell us that she is getting more our 
of this course than any other she has ever taken. She cuts 
quizes, but always has an original excuse — which is a boon 
in this day of well-worn alibis. 

According to the College Men: She may, or may not. 
hold her liquor. She may or may not, smoke. She may or 
may neck. She alivays thinks she is different, although she's 
cut out of the same pattern all the rest of them were. But 
anyway, she knows enough to order cokes instead of chicken 
sandwiches, and sometimes she can take good notes in a class 
which we cut. She may slide through College by the skin 
of her teeth, but she does have interesting clothes, and she's 
a marvelous dancer. And I suppose there's really not much 
more that one can expect. 

According to the Co-ed Herself: She is a dream in- 
carnate. Her eyes are flecked with starlight, and her hair is 
dusted with moonbeams. Her kisses are for the few, al- 
though her dates are for the masses. A pin from the best 
fraternity is her aim, although she will attend other House 
Dances — for variety. She has her Professors eating out of 
her hand, and she makes all the best committees. And even 
if she is a washout, she's a luxury on this campus. 

The Average Co-ed's Evening Conversation 

I'm so sorry I'm late, I (1) was so thrilled at having a 
date with you I put on the wrong dress, (2) had to wash 
the dishes, (3) just got back from another date. 

I think (1) this moonlight is gorgeous, (2) this cold 
weather is so stimulating, (3) this warm weather is lovely, 
( 4 ) that rain is so romantic. 

Where are we going, (1) coking, (2) on a toot, (3) 
to the movies, (4) to a dance, (5) home nou/ 

Thanks a lot for the (1) coke, (2) movie, (3) dance, 
(4) beer, (5) pin, (6) black eye, (7) kiss, (8) lousy time 
I had. Do (1) call me up, (2) come again, (3) give my 
love to your folks, (4) go to hell. 







Delco Batteries, United Motor and 
Trico Windshield Wiper Service 

Clements Battery and 
Electric Service 

307 South Neil Street 

Phone 3883 







Ph ot'0''Eno'r<N>>>inps 
Colo nplat^ J~» 

G^tfoi'- litttd 




y g'tJ'Cr^^^ 





is easy to say — 
hut hard to get 



Announces Its 

New Price 



On the News Stands 




(Continued from Page 5) 

We Wonder If 

The average college student loves 
his teachers — or is it only the Phi 
Betes that do — or is one in relation 
to the other? One what? We don't 
know, we were only wondering. 

The campus knows all about the 
latest scandal-sheet scandal? It 
seems as though Koval, Eta Bete, 
was the business manager of the 
affair, and it was his idea to get rid 
of all graft! Yes sir! He was a 
purist in these matters of graft and 
he wasn't going to graft — not one 
bit, not even two-bits. Well, any- 
way, he gave the contract to the con- 
cern and they had a gentlemen's 
agreement that the price was fifty 
dollars. They didn't put it in writ- 
ing, since it was a gentlemen's agree- 
ment — and no mention was made of 
such things as office-proof charges or 
such. Well, the story is short and 
sweet. Sigma Delta Chi's wonder- 
ing when the bill will come. The 
report, as we go to press, has it that 
the latest news mentioned the fact 
that their bill was $96 and going up. 

It is an opinion that this depression 
wouldn't last so long if we had more 
Kovals, and further, if we did have 
more of 'em the depression would 
have been over long ago — since the 
whole thing's merely a matter of time. 

The story's going around that 
Tom Kennedy of the Theta Delt 
house is in love again, with the same 
girl as before. We think that's sweet, 
quaint, and naive. Tom doesn't be- 
lieve as Peter Arno does — that a man 
just can't help being casual about 
love — says you; says me! (Which 
is parellelism.) 

We Maintain 

That the Delta Gam house is 
closed up, since we don't hear a thing 
about 'em any more — absolutely not 
a thing my dear! 

That all of the houses have turned 
their attention from activities and 
publicity to the universal attempt to 
"get by" in these days of heroic 
gestures. That the average POP 
isn't as loud as what she is seems to 


Where can you get so much Good 


300 Note Sheets Formerly 200 

ISO Envelopes . Formerly "XOO 

4 5 O Pieces . . . Formerly 300 

o^// Printed ivith your 
Name and Address 




"W DOy'T see how you do it!" That's 
M. the gist of the flood of lettets -^-e have 
received from old friends and new since an- 
nouncing our new "450" Package. 

We knew the "450" Package would amaze 
everyone. Here's why. The ordinary' box of 
stationer)' contains 24 sheets and 24 envel- 
opes. The "450" Package contains 300 sheets 
and 150 envelopes ! 

Cheap paper? Not a bit of it. Finer paper is 
used in the "450" Package than in many boxes 
of high priced social stationery ! 

And each sheet and envelope is neatly 
printed with your name and address — the 
smart and logical way to have your stationery 
finished. It is convenient — protects your let- 
ters from loss in the mails — helps business 
houses get your name accurately and lends a 
neat distinaion to your notes. 

Two million people can't be wrong — and 
tv\o millK)n people have sent to Peru, Indi- 
ana, for American Printed Stationery ! 

Tr)'it. It's the same snle note paper we have 
sold for 18 years — same printed name and ad- 
dress — same correct size, 6 x 7 — same price. 
But the quantity is now 50% greater! 

Send one dollar — check, bill or money order 
(Si. 10 west of Denver and outside of U. S.). Your 
package will be printed and mailed within 3 days 

of the receipt of your order. Sold by mail only. No agents or dealers. 
Absolute satisfaaion guaranteed. 

AS CHRIbTIVIAS ulFTd Being printed with the recipient's name 
and address, American Stationery makes a distinctly personal gift — and a 
most pleasing one. Simple, near, fine quality, in good taste— and inexpen- 
sive. Make up your Christmas list at once. All orders printed and mailed 
within 3 days of receipt of instructions. 


Origiiititor and Wor/J's Largat Muii/z/^iclnrer of Printed Sole Paper 
Here is SI. 00 for a box of "450" Stationery to be printed as shown below. ($1.10 west of Denver and outside of U.S.) 



Fo- lease, a Camel! 


-F there's anything fresher than the freshman's first plea for a kiss, it must be 
a Camel. These fine cigarettes of blended choice Turkish and mild sun-ripened 
Domestic tobaccos are made fresh — never parched or toasted — and kept fresh 
in the Camel Humidor Pack. That's why every puff of their mild throat- friendly 
fragrance will prompt you to say, "Here is perfection in smoking enjoyment." 

JVfrer purvhcil or toastvil 

© 1932. R. J. Reynoldf" Tohacco Company 


Millie FRESU — £<?p« FRESD 





In this issue • Siren's Beauty Contest Winners 

hict T^ k<p<9/^/f]^ cool 

with OLD 0OiJ:> 

When you're in a Hot Spot 
-light a cool OLD GOLD 

Finer tobacco, that's the answer. 
Queen-leaf tobacco from the heart of 
the stalk. The choicest and coolest 
burning of all Turkish and domestic. 

Get this, folks: 

not a cough in a carload 

I P.I.orillard Co.. Inc. 

Holidays Xiitvher 

Christmas Gifts at Today's Prices 

Greeting Cards 

As fine a showing as you will see. 
Select yours now while the stock is 

Give Books 

There are some wonderful books out 
this year. \ ou are sure to want more 
of them than you need. We invite you 
to browse in our Book Shop. 
Books for every age 

Msit the Co-Op Gift Shop 

It is filled with choicest novelties and gift 
articles at pleasant prices. 

Stationery is a practical gift. Our showing 
is complete now and the varietj' will please 

IlHni Articles 

We carry the largest assortment of Univer- 
sit\ souvenirs such as pennants, blankets, 
book ends, stationery, jewelry, shields, etc. 

Select Your Gifts N^oic and Have Us Hold Them For You 




Why Light Bills Are Higher in Winter 





12.-00 4eOO aso 







»00 1200 

MMMtr &51 

ramuxi i2» 




1 / --=: 

1 y 

M*«CH <.!» 

f - 

\ -"-"'- 

y ^ 

tm. iM 




MAT 2.95 






JU.Y no 




,3:;!:- ' 




OCTOta 4.90 


-=- ~-,r- 




K 1 



/ -^-v 

1 \ i 

oecEMta 645 


1 ^~- 

1 t 1 

month in the year. It will be noted 
that the average use of electric 
light is greatest in December and 
that as the hours of daylight gradu- 
ally increase the use of electricit>' 
for lighting purposes is greatly 

It is well to keep in mind that the 
changing seasons have a direct 
effect on the amount of electricit>' 
used in the average household. 

IN the average home die amount of elec- 
tricity used for lighting purposes is con- 
siderabK greater during the winter months 
than during the summer when the sun is 
on the job for a greater number of hours. 
The accompanying chart shows at a glance 
wh\ electric bills are higher in winter than 
in summer months. It indicates the number 
of artificial lighting hours per day for each 

^ LOIS ^ 

Vower and Light 



What? • No Santa Glaus? 

'Twas the night before Christmas 

And all through the house Alpha Delt 

Not a creature was stirring frat man 

Not even a louse they all have 'em, even the A. O. Pi's 

The bottles were empty 

And piled in heaps A 

The drunken brethren wear pins 

Were there for keeps couldn't move (stiff) 

When who should arrive 

But the old Kappa Bete honorary 

Saint Nick and the frau don't believe it, he's single 

On their annual date made by a friend for a friend 

With a whoop and a shout noise 

He made the rounds third one on the house 

And caught up on the gang assembly 

By leaps and bounds prodigious jumping 

The night was stormy rocky and wet 

And as it grew all parties are like that 

The prexy decided 

Just what he'd do minor storm (brain) 

"He's too well known b. m. o. c. 

Got too much dough best recommendation 

For me to let him 

Pledge Alpha Chi Rho" Ag honary 

So they took Saint Nick Nickolas to you 

Aside and said hot boxing 

You'll pledge our house 

Or leave it — dead — termed sand bagging 

So that, dear fellow-students, females included, is the reason why Daddy 
will tell you that there ain't no Santa Claus. It all happened a long, long 
time ago — when pledging was more akin to the manly arts than it is now — 
the whole trouble lay in the fact that Santa "just couldn't take it" maybe he 
was fussy ? We'll never know — there ain't any Santa Clause no more. 

Holidays Number 

CARL J. DUESER Edilor-iii-Chu-j 

WILLIAM A. ZOELLER Business Manager 

Editorial Staff 

Donald F. Mulvihill hsoeiale Editor 

R. D. La Fond Issislant Editor 

Wilfred J. Brogden Office Manager 

James Davis David Eldred 

Nita Ramey IV Oman's Editor 

Miriam Van Buskirk Exchange Editor 

Betty Jane Kendall Shirley Day 

Lillian Stanford Winnie Haslam 

Lynn Pierce Art Editor 

Jane Fauntz Associate Art Editor 

D. M. Meskimen Assistant Art Editor 

H. Samuel Kruse Ted Parmelee 

Evelyn Lantz Florentia Metzger 

Adeline Cross Julie McHale 

Betty Ross 

Business Staff 

Donald Faulkner Idvertising Manager 

H. H. Otten. Assistant Advertising Manager 

Wm. Dalton Circulation Manager 

Murray Shrader Copy Manager 

Elaine Geidell Office Manager 

Wilbur J. Thompson Collection Manager 


Betty Goby, Doris Frazin, Seymour Hershman, 

Lillian Saltzman, Adele Pohl 

Published monthly by the Illini Publishing Company, University of Illi- 
nois, during the college year. Entered as second-class matter at the 
Post-Office at Urbana, Illinois, by act of Congress, March 3, 1879. 
Office of publication. Illini Publishing Company. Subscription price 
$1.00 the year. Address all communications, Illinois Union Building, 
Champaign, Illinois. Copyright, 1932, by The Siren. Exclusive reprint 
right granted to OJlgeHnmOr magazine. 




Eighty-seven cents. That was all. And fifty cents of 
it was in nickels. Nickels saved one and two at a time by 
walking out of Prehn's and telling the cashier at Leonard's 
that one's beers had been of the ten cent variety. Three 
times Alicia counted it. Eighty-seven cents. And the next 
day would be Drunk Night — I mean Xmas. 

There was clearly nothing to do but go over to 
Leonard's with a PiKA and drink beer. So Alicia did it. 
Which instigates the moral reflection that life is made up of 
PiKAs, Leonard's, and beer, with PiKAs, Leonard's, and 
beer predominating. 

While Alicia is out boosting the house rating, let's take 
a look at her troubles. Alicia is a Havva Cry, and her Joe 
is a Cry Sigh. They are very damp citizens, but their 
mothers love them and they wear each other's high-school 
rings, so wottahell? Ah, Youth! Alicia is a town girl and 
Danny, her Joe, lives out in Spokane and his kid sister 
just caught scarlet fever, which I think satisfactorily ex- 
plains why they are stuck in Chambana over the w. k. holi- 

Danny is very proud of his babe on account of she wears 
swell madam chairman glasses with platinum frosting, and 
with these glasses she reads good literature. All good little 
Havva Crys read good literature through m. c. glasses and 
become sweet and pure influences for the May Fete and the 
Illio staff and the Star Course. That is why Danny would 
make so many library dates with Alicia, so he could show 
people the intelligent jane he was dating. 

Alicia is very proud of her Danny because he has such 
a dazzling smile, which comes from a gold tooth in the most 
prominent part of his mouth. Alicia would always stand 
up for Danny because even though he had a funny mouth 
underneath it all was a tooth of gold, and she tried to be 
very witty (mind you, a Havva Cry) in public so Danny 
would smile and scatter synthetic sunshine. 

So Alicia wants to give Danny a beautiful Xmas present, 
worthy of Danny and worthy of the tooth. But what to 
do about it when one has only eighty-seven cents? (We've 
heard the song before). An idea! Alicia rushes out and 
sells her beautiful m. c. glasses to a Delta Zeta who has 
social ambitions, and buys the Gift of gifts for Danny, some 
imported gold tooth polish. 

On Christmas day Alicia waits anxiously for Danny. 
Will he cast her aside for a Kappa now that she no longer 
can sneer through a plate-glass front ? When Danny ar- 
rives he suggests they wait until after dinner to exchange 
presents. (Is he smart, the chiseler). At dinner Danny 

notices that the m. c. glasses are absent and he is struck by 
the fact that Alicia would look less like a damn chipmunk 
and more like a human being, or a co-ed, if she left them off 
oftener. Alicia notices that Danny does not smile much 
and she has made enough puns to fill up the Scout, and still 
no laughs, no smiles from Danny, which isn't very tactful 
as even the Scout is appreciated by some freshmen. Just 
when the situation grows tense (coming in tense and 
twenties) the dinner party breaks up and Alicia is restored 
to good humor for here is her big moment. 

"Alicia," says Danny, "put on your glasses and have a 
look at what Santa's Claws brung you." And he hands her 
a copy of the book, the one she had longed for, "A Liberal 
Sex Education for Good Girls" or "Help the Pure." 

"Alas," sighed Alicia. "I can never read it, for I sold 
my glasses to buy a present. Rut smile and be merry for 
you will never again have a dull look." And she handed 
him the gold tooth polish. 

Danny shook his head sadly and then gathered Alicia 
into his aiTns. "Sweetheart, this is how I paid for your 
present." As he smiled down at his babe, her horro;- turned 
to convulsions, for where had once shone the leading light 
of the campus now opened a lonely wind-gap. 

The Charge of the Lonely Jade 

Men to the right of me 

Men to the left of me 

Paid no attention 

Men in my classes 

And men on the broadwalk 

Gave me no mention 

Then came a blind date 

We fell in love at sight 

He said he loved me. 

And I took his pin that night. 

Men to the right of me 

Men to the left of me 

Still no attention 

Men in my classes 

And men on the broadwalk 

Give me no mention 

Heed now this warning, girls 

If you would dated be. 

Wear not "his" Greek badge 

For other men to see. 


Holidays Number 


-Harvard Lampoon 

"Do you zcant yours Extra Supreme De Luxe or H'lthout sauerkrautf* 




A Short Dirge in E Minor 

Time—????? C. O. D. 3 weeks before Xmas. 

Place — In a frat house somewhere in old Castoria. 

Characters (In no special order). 

President — Aristotle. 

Secretary — Wolsey. 

Commissary — Scrooge. 

House Cop — Al Capone. 

Social Chairman — Henry VIII. 

Rushing Chairman — Adolph Hitler. 

Pledge Class — Eddie Cantor. 

Aristotle: (In flicking the ashes from his butts). 

Well fellahs, all first class frats must give a Christmas 
dinner dance. We are a first class frat. Therefore we 
must give a Christmas dinner dance. 

Capone: (Wiping his nose on his sleeve). 

Listen guy, you're flunking philosophy right now, so 
don't pull any of your pet syllogisms on us. 

Scrooge: Phooey. What are we gonna use for money? 

Wolsey (enthusiastically) : Say, Henry, how much 
shoidd a good band set us back? 

Henry VIII: Well, now I can get the Pied Piper and 
his rats for a d good price. 

Scrooge: Nuts! It's the eating at this brawl that's 
worrying me. 

Wolsey: Aw, the hell with it. I'll impose a tax on the 
boys. That's what I like to do. (Rubs his hands together). 

Scrooge: (Spitting through his fingers into the fire- 
place). That's a good idea. I'll collect it. 

Capone: O, That spit is gonna cost you just two-bits. 

Wolsey: (frowning). Don't say spit. It's a horrid 

Aristotle: Well, gents, I conclude from the premises 
that we are going to have the dance. Am I right or am I 

The rest: (in unison). Atta boy — Hang right in 

Henry VIII: (breathing). Let's set the date now. 

Have I got the nuts of an import coming over from 

Has she an average? 

Hitler: Yeah. No hits — no runs — and no errors. 

Wolsey : Is she white ? 

Capone: No, but she writes a beautiful hand. 

Aristotle: I'm sure she comes from a family of fine 

Hitler: Of course — twenty-two blank. 

Henry VIII: Nertz to youse guys. 

Scrooge : We ain't gonna have enough money. 

Henry VII: (in disgust). Quit griping. 

Hitler: Say prexy, are house rules gonna be off for that 

Aristotle: (looking at Henry). No dates will be taken 
above the second floor. 

Henry VIII: Say, listen, that's a helluva thing! I can 
see this dance is gonna be a flop ! 

Capone: (regretfully.) I'm sorry boys, but you know 
how I feel about drinking in the house. 

The pledge class walks nonchalantly across the hall. 

Aristotle: Hey — Eddie, get on your horse and Cantor 
over to my hotcha's hovel and tell her she's invited to our 
house dance. 


we can raise the money 

Hitler: Why don't you give up? 

Aristotle: Who are we gonna get to be chaperone? 

Capone : Do we have to have 'em ? 

Henry VIII: That's what I say. 

Hitler: How about old man Josef from Austria. 

Henry VIII: I'll have none of his big lip around here. 
Besides his brat didn't pledge here. 

The pledge class comes in again. 

Cantor: (out of breath). Mr. Aristotle, your hotcha 
says her big dog is in town and she can't come to the dance. 

Aristotle: (gnashing his teeth and striving to keep 
back another syllogism). Somebody gimme a drink. 

Cantor: Me too! 

Hitler: (giving the prexy a snort). Scram! Pledge. 

Cantor: (muttering as he is booted out). Now when 
I am president ! 

Wolsey: What kind of grub are we gonna have with, 
this brawl ? 

Hitler: May I suggest liquid refreshments. 

Scrooge: Ham — hocks and salted cream puffs if wej 
don't raise some money. 

Hitler: (after several snorts). Whoops! Boys, I'm] 
looking forward to a little kicking the gong around with] 
my Katrinka. 

Voice from upstairs: Hey, for X's sake, pipe down,] 
study rules! 

Wolsey: My God, a student in the house! 

Capone : Must be a guest. 

(Continued on Page 23) 

Holidays \ umber 



Photographs by Paul Stone-Raymor 





In the Limelight 

Madame D'horsie Connors again 
grabs the limelight by sending her 
autographed photo — with the serial 
number across the customary snowy 
bosom — to "my best friends and 
customers," as the attached circular 
from one of the harder-up stores 
states. . . . Such is fame greater than 
even Roy Hilligoss, the Kappadel- 
tarho girdle boy receives. . . . Or, 
Dick Martin, who is still looking for 
his Pi Lambda Sig. . . . 

Chuck Wilson, recently seen much- 
ly with little Aldis, the Alfafi dream 
girl, announces with a flourish of 
bronx cheers that he is throwing the 
customary, yet famed Illini Xmas 
brawl in the Dill Pickle Club, Chi- 
cago, this 28th day of November. 
Them as can stand such afifairs will 
be forced to part with less than a 
dollar to attend. Wilson has not yet 
promised to not act as master of cere- 
monies, but as we remember the 
place no one cares much about hear- 
ing or seeing anything. . . . 

Recently was hung the Phigam 
badge of the great Leek, the Fiji bid 
for track fame, upon the romantical- 
ly rhyming Virginia Rech of Gam- 
mafi. . . . About as far east as the 
brethren have travelled for some 
time. . . . Miss Rech, when asked if 
her enamored was a fast man re- 
plied, "You mean on the track, of 
course? . . . That's what living on 
Nevada does for a person. . . . Said 
gal, we think, has more than a slight 
resemblance to Rosselle, the beauty- 
contester. . . . 

We Have With Us 

Why did one of the chaperones at 
the recent Alfachiro tangle so gaily 
reinark that she would "Just sit at 
the head of the stairs on the second 
floor to remind people that they were 
supposed to leave their wraps and 
then go down and dance." We 
wonder if she was kicked in the back 
by people coming down. . . . 

And very neat was the import date 

from Chi who brought along his 
radio petite, attaching it to a light 
socket in a Prehn booth after the or- 
chestra wailed out its last blue 

With this number of the Siren we 
introduce a new artist, as far as this 
publication is concerned. . . . Ernie 
Freed, of whom many nice things are 
said out art school way, is the cover 
portraitist. . . . 

Tom On Leash 

Miss Hazlett (Phd. to you), the 
tailored lady of the Math. Dept., in- 
vited a gentleman of the faculty over 
to her apartment to see if the piano 
needed tuning, but she insisted that 
he bring a maiden aunt as chaperone. 
When not occupied in calling the fire 
department to let her in her apart- 
ment. Miss Hazlett may be seen 
promenading down California lead- 
ing her pet tomcat on a leash. 

When the Pi K A house picture 
was made, only one of the infamous 
Pettibohn twins was on hand, so they 
took a double exposure of him. It is 
also rumored that a Tri Delt 
scratched one so she could tell which 
one was her date. 

The Theta Xis observe their rule 
of no drinking in the house, but they 
do say that there is no law against 
leaning out the window for purposes 
of imbibing if there is someone to 
hold your ankles. 

Louis McLean wants to know if 
the Doll Show is a Mask and Bauble 
production or just another beauty 

Lillian Tashman's article in a re- 
cent periodical must have been ded- 
icated to college women ; it was 
titled "Whose Clothes Are You 

Notice on library bulletin board — 
Private Tutoring. Edna Sale Mc- 
Coy. Graduate of Northwestern 
School of Speach. Ed. note — Are 
you sure you graduated, Edna? 

Holidays Number 

Imagine the embarrassment of 
Bob Maley, head usher at the Rach- 
maninoff Concert some weeks ago. 
If you recall, in true Urbana fashion, 
it poured cats and dogs that night. 
One of the skylights in the Audi- 
torium was broken, and consequent- 
ly several of the chairs got drenched. 
The program was about to start, 
when a very excited old lady came 
tearing up to the aforementioned Bob 
to tell him in a distinctly audible 
whisper that her seat was wet! 


Apropos of Illio pictures. Pro- 
fessor Paul sagely remarked that a 
photographer always looks for a 
woman's best view, and a man's least 

We also learn things in our other 
classes. (Who says a college educa- 
tion doesn't pay?) In Transporta- 
tion class, we discovered that excur- 
sion fares affect the berth — or is it 
birth — rates! (What a whale of a 
difference an "I" and "E" make!) 
And in still another class, we were 
taught that although the birth rates 
decrease remarkably during a War, 
there is a still more remarkable in- 
crease right after the Call to Arms. 
You figure it out. 

Henry the Eighth can be darn 
grateful to the Fraternity system 
that it hadn't founded itself in his 
day. because with the niix-up con- 
cer.'iing his numerous wives, what 
liould have happened to his frater- 
nity pin? 

And. my wee little ones, draw 
your chairs up closer to the fire while 
I tell you a true Depression story. 
Jerry and Jimmy, a well-known pair 
about campus, having no turkey and 
cranberry sauce with which to whet 
and abate their enormous appetities, 
captured, strangled, beplucked, 
cooked, and ate (with unseemly 
relish) a poor defenseless pigeon 
which they found wandering aimless- 
ly down Green street. (Hospital 
Note : — They are expected to recover 
within a month or so). 

Psych Morons 

And that otherwise dear Mr. 
Sears does tell his abnomials in 
Psych. 23 such perfectly dreadful 
things that I bet they all lie awake 
at nite — at least I do, and it's not 
the result of my after-dinner coffee! 
Why, just the other day he told the 
class of a certain farmer and his wife 
who had no children — and the wife 
brooded and brooded over it, because 
all the neighbors were talking about 
it. And, by cracky, by n' bye the 
farmer himself began to get annoyed 
at their gossip because after all, it 
was as much a reflection on him as 
on her. 

Too, Mr. Sears spent one entire 
class period telling his erstwhile stu- 
dents as how they should marry only 
a certain type of person — a direct op- 
posite to themselves. For instance, 
a dominant male should marry a sub- 
missive woman, and vice versa. He 
then went on to point out the awful, 
awful consequences of failure to ob- 
serve this rule. "WTiy," he said. "I 
once knew a submissive man who 
married a submissive \voman — and 
they just never got an^-here!" 

Speaking of Dad's Day. a young 
fellow walked into the L nion on 
November 12th. and asked, "Is this 
where Dads register?" "Yes," re- 
sponded the girl at the desk, eyeing 
his youth with a skeptical grin — "but 
you have to be a father — you have 
to have children — to be able to reg- 
ister! " The lad drew himself up to 
his full height and proudly an- 
nounced, "I have a son!" "In 
.school?" shrieked the girl. "Oh no," 
he apologized, "He's only two 
months old." It must be a great 
feeling to have that thar first-born. 

What, Again? 

Hack to Professor Paul again! He 
really has some very unique ideas 
about Grammar which are worthy of 
being passed on. For instance, li? 
states that a dash is much like a 
(Continued on Page 16) 







Returned by the Post Office for Postage 

dear Santy, 

this is your little friend Reulah what you treated so nice 
last chrismas. I am writeing in hopes you will repeat. Do 
you remember that cute blue formal you gave me last year. 
(The one cut on the bias). Well it is full of cigarette 
wholes, and i wonder if you wud send me another one. 
(Also cut on the bias). Only please Dear santa make this 
one red, as i have died my hair that color since. 

Anything else you have around the shop wich wud im- 
prove my looks wul also be appreciated. I have been a 
good-girl all yeer. I have swore off of all intoxicating 

i'll be waiting for you christmas. 
In case you forget — the dorm is the second 
door to your left on the third floor. 

beulah Dalbey. 

Santa deer: 

I am the Thata Fi Alfa whose hair you sed looked like 
a snow-storm last year. I want to apologise Santy for not 
being dressed when you came. This yeer I will be all set 
for you. 

Hear is a list of things you could bring me if you wanted 

brassier — size 42. 
teddy — with zipper, 
orchid nightgown. 

The rest I'll write in shorthand in case your wife should 
get ahold of this. 


compact — I am using cherry rooge now. 
20 cartons of luckies. 
a hip flask. 

So long, 

Marcie Pucketts. 

My Santa: 

In this letter of appeal, dear Santa, I throw away all 
earthly claims for finery or any other temporal desire. I 
concentrate my wishes in one mighty plea. Santa, I implore 
you — bring me a boy-friend. By all that is holy to you 
promise that you'll not fail. 

Oh, if you only knew how for years I have yearned for 
caresses; yearned for the thrill of a kiss from one I could 

call my own ; the tender warmth of his embrace ; the sweet- 
ness of his smile; the content of being his — alone. All my 
life I have prayed for a man. Each year I have asked you, 
patiently — devotedly, to bring him to me. And each year 
you have answered, "wait, the time has not come." I can 
no longer stand it. I ask you for the final time. My ulti- 
matum. Bring to me a boy-friend, or I shall destroy this 
body of mine, and so consecrate it to that Goddess who 
cares for the hearts of all girls like me. You have to bring 
me a man ! 

Make him fat or make him thin. 
Make him bald or give him hair. 
Make him short or make him tall ; 
Just make him mine and I won't care. 

Make him strong or make him weak, 
Make him well or make him sick, 
Make him sad or make him gay ; 
Any waj' — I won't kick. 

Make him poor or make him rich. 

Make him mean or make him fine. 

Give him to me just as he is. 

Only dear Santa, please make him mine — all mine. 



Dorsey Connors. 

My dear Santy: 

Hi-ho Santy 'ol boy, how are you and the little Clauses? 
This is Janie. You know — Janie Fauntz. The girl you 
caught swimming in the Theta bath-tub last Christmas. Oh 
yes, I've improved quite a bit. I can put my head in the 
water now. You know that one piece bathing suit you gave 
me? Well it's way — way too small. I wish you'd trade it 
for a can of grease. Here is what I'd like this year. See 
what you can do about it. 

a pair of water wings. 

an inflated inner tube. 

2 ear plugs. 

a clothes pin. (one that will fit my nose). 

A course of correspondent swimming lessons. 

a backless, frontless, flesh-colored swimming suit. 
And by the way, you might bring a few of your helpers 
with you Christmas. Some of the girls around here need 
dates. Don't be too fussy. Just anyone. Toolooloo, Janie. 



Holidays Number 


-Voo Doo 

"Sure he's a trustworthy guy; hasn't he got a pohce record as long as jour arm?" 

The Ideal Woman 

Say, Hank, have I ever met the keen woman ! She's 
just about so big, but plenty capable — let me tell you. She's 
not so much on the wise-cracks, but she has her own version 
of humor that really is a knockout. Her clothes are the 
latest, and can she wear them ! Mebbe I shouldn't have 
mentioned it. 

Her eyes are blue, of course, and are as absolutely 
capable as the rest of her. I ought to know. Think she 
really likes me a little bit, but I'm afraid that it's in rather 
a maternal fashion. I've never had a date with her, myself, 
but I see her about every night. 

Yes, she is quite intellectual — I suppose you were afraid 
of that — but she's not too much so. She is human — in fact 
she's always the last one to stick around when it's time for 
the dates to go home every night. I rather imagine she'd be 

hard to kiss, but after all, that is something to be com- 
mended in this day and age. 

Sure — of course she's in a sorority house. None but the 
best. She hardly ever dates — quite an exclusive creature — 
and when she does go out, it's usually to a Bridge Party, or 
some such highbrow affair. You'd like her, though. 

Get you a date with her sometime? Well, gee, Hank, 
I'm afraid it can't be arranged. No, she isn't wearing a 
pin — but after all. it isn't customary for Housemothers to 
date students. 

Professor of Theology: "What did Eve say to Adam 
after Cain killed Abel, and was driven from the Garden of 

Student of the Ministry: "We've no more babies left 
to spank; let's turn out the lights and go to sleep." 



M. T. McCLURE— who, although 
head of our Philosophy department 
and a Phi Beta Kappa, is also a 
mountain climber of "strordinary" 
ability. A raconteur and a gentle- 
man of the old school of grand men. 


BARBARA HARRIS— who, as an 
Alpha Chi Omega, is also president 
of Torch, junior manager of the 
Star Course, on the Y. W. cabinet, 
Shi-Ai, and, lest we forget, she's 
also an Alpha Lambda Delta, but 
that was in her freshman year. 

MORT WILBER— who is tall, dark 
and good-looking; he's also presi- 
dent of the Independent council, 
vice-president of the Illinois Union, 
member of the Glee club board of 
directors, and was also co-chairman 
of last year's Homecoming commit- 
tee. He also sits in on the Student 

Holidays Number 





JACK SAWTELL~who is the cur- 
rent basketball manager and also 
Sachem, Ma-Wan-Da, and general 
all 'round good sort. May he see a 
successful season is our wish. 

JEAN JOHNSTON who admits 
being many things, among which 
are Delta Gamma, Alpha Lambda 
Delta. Phi Beta Kappa. Mortar 
Board, Torch, Shi-Ai, Dance Super- 
vision committee. Chairman of 
Gold Feathers of last year — ah 
weel, we dinna has na maur space. 

DICK ADER — who. at present, as 
captain of the perennial champion 
soccer team, has the distinction 
of being one of the best athletes and 
good sportsmen ever turned out at 
Illinois — a man whose praises have 
been seldom sung and so we rise 
and sing. He's also president of 
Delta Theta Epsilon. 




• December 

• Almanac 


Month of ijently falling snoiv 

IVhal a fine tiling, mistletoe 

Montli of ivondrring iv/iat to gi'vc 

And still Iiave left enough to live 

Holly ivreaths in all the doors 

Muddy tracks upon the floors 

Month of rosy cheeks and noses 

irinter ivind bloivs right through clothe: 

Month when campus elite prances 

To the ultra formal dances: 

Junior Prom, Senior Informal 

People acting most abnormal 

Skull '« Crescent, Scabbard '« Blade 

Theirs a glory n'ecr ran fade. 

Then to sort of top it all 

One must rate Axe-Grinder's llraivl 

Turquoise or the lapis lazula 

Are the birthstones (just to dazzle yaj 

Month tliat ends vsith New Year's Eve 

(Funny it should rhyme icith heave.) 

Holidays Number 


And Many More of Them 

Th. 1— ST. BARBARA. 

Fri. 2 — Junior Prom. 

Sa. 3 — Senior Informal, Skunk & Pheasant. 

Su. 4 — Decide not to send Christmas cards. 

Mo. 5 — Mrs. Neanderthal requests new fur coat, 2200 B. C. 

Tu. 6— ST. NICHOLAS, Santa Claus to you. 

We. 7— Ovid published "Art of Love" 88 A. D. Divorce rate 

rises in Rome. 
Th. 8— Mince pie. 

Fri. 9 — Albert Spaulding, Violinist, Star Course. 
Sa. 10— Doll Show. 

Su. 11 — Send letter hinting for roadster for Christmas gift. 
Mo. 12— Full moon 9:21 P. M. 

Tu. 13 — Scouts awards passes to writer of Love lyric. 
We. 14 — Amundsen discovers South Pole 1911. 
Th. 15 — Use for mistletoe discovered 800 A. D. trench mouth 

statistics rise. 
Fri. 16— Boston Tea Party 1773— Axe-Grinder's Brawl 1932. 
Sa. 17 — Scabbard and Blade. 
Su. 18 — Mend lace formal torn by spurs. 
Mo. 19 — Last house meeting before Christmas. 
Tu. 20 — Your term paper will be due January 2, 1933. 
We. 21— Winter begins 8:15 P. M. E. S. T. 
Th. 22 — Vacation — back to civilization. 
Fri. 23 — Wash stocking to hang up for Santa. 
Sa. 24 — Christmas Eve, receive 46 Christmas cards, send 46 

New Year's cards. 
Su. 25— CHRISTMAS DAY— Play with little Willie's toys. 
Mo. 26 — Exchange Christmas ties for something useful. 
Tu. 27— ST. JOHN. 

We. 28— Chuck Wilson's Dill Pickle Dance in Chicago. 
Th. 29 — Take down Christmas tree. 
Fri. 30 — Make list of good resolutions. 
Sa. 31— NEW YEAR'S EVE. The night before the morning 




(Continued from Page 9) 
It pays to be a pledge at the Delta 
Theta Phi House this year! There 
is one Bill in the House, who has a 
little money and a little looks — 
whereupon the Brethren, to a man, 
worship at his shrine, tho' he is but 
a pledge. They give him the best 
seat at the table, so the story goes, 
and even rise when he enters the 
room ! This may seem strange at the 
first reading, but after recalling their 
record of having twelve pledges 
break their pledge last year, we can 
understand what Bill must mean to 

There are some bright people in 
this here now University's English 
41 class. The other day they had to 
read a story concerning two drunken 
men who were amusing themselves by 
shooting at a target on their wall, 
the bullets going through to the next 
house, causing the neighbor woineii 
to scream. After the story had been 

reviewed to everyone's satisfaction, 
the Professor asked for emphasis, 
"And why were the women scream- 
ing." One sweet young thing raised 
her hand — "They must have been 
drunk, too," she ventured. 

Hal Dawson reports that the 
Dean's office is overflowing with 
Christmas cheer, in bottles, and from 
admirers — from all parts of the 
world — (oh yeah?) 

Our idea of a perfect business sit- 
uation is to be snowed in for days 
and days, with a lotta others, in 
some coke'n smoke — and to have us all the cokes and smokes. 

Yes, Wouldn't It! 

Wouldn't it be wonderful if 
Thanksgiving vacation had worked 
some miracle and things were all 
changed? \i for instance the 
Kappjis all came back from home 
with horn-rimmed glasses. . . If Billy 

Arnold lost his "bloom off the peach" 
complexion. ... If the Thetas noses 
suddenly all turned down in campus 
cartoons. ... If the Scout stopped 
printing what kinds, liow many, and 
future hopes for cigarettes in the box. 
... If people stopped raving about 
the "gorgeous" Dorsey Connors. . . . 
If the whole Chio house made four- 
points and took away the cup from 
the ver-scholastically minded Thetas. 
... If Bob Little and Sammy Keys 
forgot to plot for next semester's 
election and by some miracle all came 
out fair and with both parties rep- 
resented. ... If eight-weeks grades 
hadn't been turned in. ... If pro- 
fessors for once forgot to request 
some damn piece of work on the 
"first meeting of class after vaca- 
tion" If the campus could be 

ever-beautiful as it was during the 

first snow-fall. ... If people would 

(Continued on Page 24) 

Q._W'hat's wrong witli the picture? 

A. — There are only three legs on the davenport. 

Holidays S timber 


44 /^ > 

FORGOT my galoshes, but Tm going along 
in the rain . . . having a good time . . . smoking 
mv Chesterfields. 

Just downright good cigarettes. They're 
mihler and they taste better. 

Just having a good time. They Satisfy. 

e 1952, liGtsTT a Mtebs Tobacco Co. 




Cormick Transfer Company 

Phone 5304 



PHONE 6-1100 

Day and Night Auto Service — Repair Work 

Greasing and Washing — Storage $5 a Month 

116 South Walnut 


"Next to Inniaii Hotel" 

Passing the Buck 


Rustic Inn 

Meet your friends there after the shows or dances 

We Will See You 

Holidays Number 


New Anatomy 
"Policeman Leo Grant was shot 
through the stomach and John 
Marcinoak, Indiana Harbor taxi- 
cab driver, through the hip. while a 
trusty at the jail was shot in the ex- 

— San Francisco Call-Bull. 


Young wife: "It says 'beat the 
whites of the eggs till stifif' so they 
must be done." 

Gil Berry: "Why. are they 

W. F. B.: "No. but I am." 


The Co-ed's Creed 
To do others as haven't sense 
enough to do me. 


Jack and Jill went in a speak. 

To work up a lovely toot ; 

\Vhen Jack was tight and got the 

Jill went oft" with a DEKE. 


Little Miss Co-ed 

Sat in Hanley's 

Enjoying her coke and smoke. 

Along came a bounder 

And lingered arounder 

The lousy Fidelt was broke! 


There was a little gurl 
And she had a lot of curl. 
Right on the top of her pate ; 
And when she was good 
She was left at home to brood. 
But when she was bad 
She had a date. 


Four and tvventy Pifys, 
Undressing in the dorm, 
To show the boys of Jewman Hall 
An example of good form. 


First Gamma Phi Beta: Who 
was your date last night? 

Second Gamma Phi Beta: A 
Delta Upsilon. Hugh Ray. 

First Gamma Phi Beta: Well I 
don't think that's anything to shout 


Sigma Kappa: I hab a code in 
by node. 

Phil Watson: Come on up and 

I'll Vicks it. 

— Unpaid Adv. 

For Christmas 
Gifts of Joy 

Give a real French perfume — maybe — 
Chanel — Guerlaiii — Worth or Lticien 

Give a beaut>' kit by a known Beauty- 
Specialist — Possibly. Elizabeth Arden — 
Dorothy Gray — L)u Barrv or Charles of the 

Give a De \'ilbis Atomizer with mirror and 
powder box to match. 

Come in and our sales persons will he liapp.v to advise 
you in the proper perfume or whatever .vou liave in 


Remember k'amerer's for Smart Gifts 


I^incoln and Nevada 

Sixth and Daniel 







Delco Batteries, United Motor and 
Trico W indshield Wiper Service 

Clements Battery and 
Electric Ser\ ice 

307 South Neil Street Champaign 

Phone 3883 



— Conwtl Widozv 

"Darling, who was that woman that just went by? 
"Oh, that's only the Captain's mess." 

Holidays Numb 



To My Accuser 

Weep not, my dear one, 

If I seem untrue — 

The more I see of others, 

The more I fall for you! 

Weep not! I place you firstly among my motley host. 

I've always loved )ou best — at least almost. 

Weep not, my sweet one. 

If I seem to flirt — 

Those are false impressions! 

Please do not feel hurt. 

Weep not! I promise that I will love just you. 

I'll be true forever — or almost true. 

Weep not, my dearest, 

If I seem to lie. 

You can read ni\' true soul 

By the love-light in my eye. 

Weep not! My love for you has been put to the test — 

And still I love you best of all — or nearly best. 

Weep not, my darling ; 

My lips are yours to kiss. 

And no other mortal 

Ever knew that bliss, 

W^eep not I To love you is my only one endeavor. 

Mv soul is vours for alwavs — but not forever. 

Love, You Funny Thing 

Isabel, alas and alack, was an old maid. She was also 
near-sighted, and she blamed her spinsterhood on that un- 
fortunate afflicition. By ingenious maneuvers she finally 
found a beau who was quite regular in his visits. Isabel 
resolved to dispel any doubts that he might have about her 
eyesight. She took a pin — a common straight pin — and with 
painstaking care, stuck it into a tree in the orchard. The 
remainder of the day she spent memorizing the route from 
the orchard path to the tree and back again. 

That evening John called. When it was sufficiently 
dark, a stroll through the orchard was in order. At the 
memorized place in the path, Isabel called John's attention 
to a pin in a tree about thirty feet from the path. Poor 
John was dumbfounded, for he could hardly even see the 
tree in the darkness. Isabel's big moment had arrived. Th'e 
villainess thought she had the be\\-ildered John in her 
clutches. She insisted upon proving her exceptional eye- 

Once more she began to strut over that well-learned 
route, and she would certainly have retrieved the pin — 
which was there, sure enough — if she had not stumbled over 
a cow. — The Siwasher. 


Attractive Gifts 
and Greetings 



To Fit Your Purse 

for Her 

for Him 

for the Family 


At Campus 

709 South Wright Street 


arme. aruLiiEB it! 


Here is on entirely NEW KIND 
of o typewriter — a portable in 
size and weight — a standord in 
action ond eose of operation. 
Noiseless segment shift — new 
"piano-key" action. 
*65— payments if desired— your 
old machme token in trade- 

R. D. Castle Typewriter Company 

.M Main Street 

Chanipaiiin. III. 

Phone .")89;i 






"1 Am a Fugitive From a Chain 
Gang" isn't a pretty picture, but for 
raw, relenting drama, it has a grip- 
ping appeal. Throughout the en- 
tire film there are echoes of the re- 
cent Burn's case which gained much 

Janet CJajnor 

notoriety in Chicago not so long ago, 
and of the recent exposures of 
southern prison camps. 

There is an unrelenting undercur- 
rent in this film, and those that like 
their endings with a dash of sugar 
won't like it, but for those that wish 
a little true reality on the screen this 
will be a boon. Paul Muni, recent- 
ly of the New York stage, plays the 
lead, and is supported by Glenda 
Farrell and Helen Vinson. Plays at 
the Rialto for a four-day run, be- 
ginning Sunday, December 11. 

Beginning Thursday, December 
15, "3 On a Match," a four-star hit 
comes for a three-day run. Warren 
William, Ann Dvorak, Joan Blon- 
dell and Bette Davis combine to 
present the gripping tangled story of 
the lives of three schoolmates who 
separated only to meet again in later 
life. One the wife of a successful 
lawyer, another a stenographer, and 
the third the graduate of a reforma- 
tory, the ensuing meeting and its re- 
sults are bound to be tense. 


"Rock-A-Bye," the story of an 
actress's mother-love, which was de- 
nied her, opens on Sunday, December 
1 1 for four days. Constance Bennett 
stars as the actress, while Paul Lukas 
plays the part of her adoring man- 
ager, and Joel McCrea the role of 
the young playwright, in whose play 
she stars, but only after her manager 
objects strenuously, because of its 
great similarity to her tragic life. 

Will Rogers comes back again in 
his new play, "Too Busy to Work," 
on the 15- If)- 17th, playing one of his 

Will Rogers 

characteristic parts, this time as a 
tramp searching for his mife and 
daughter, stolen from him by another 
man while he was in the trenches. 
The way in which he accomplishes 
his mission is a typical Will Rogers 

"Tess of the Storm Country" 
opens a four-day run on the 18th, 
with a cast including Janet Gaynor 
and Charles Farrell — the old team — 
and a fine supporting cast. This well- 
known old New England story has 
been admirably filmed, and makes 
first-rate entertainment. 


December 11, Phillips Holmes 
and Dorothy Jordan in "70,000 
Witnesses"; 12-13, "Hollywood 
Speaks," with Genevieve Tobin and 
Pat O'Brien; 14, H. Warner and 
Bette Davis in "The Menace"; 15- 

16, Maurice Chevalier and Jeanette 
MacDonald in "Love Me Tonight" ; 

17, Tom Keene in "Beyond the 
Rockies"; 18, "Big City Blues," with 
Joan Blondell; 19-20, Richard Dix 
in "Roar of the Dragon"; 21, "The 
Guilty Generation," with Leo Car- 
rillo; 22-23, Lew Ayres in "O K 
America" ; 24, Ken Maynard in 
"Whistling Dan"; 25, David 
Manners in "The Crooner" ; 26-27, 
Warner Baxter in "Sin'render" ; 29- 
30, Frank Buck's "Bring 'Em Back 
Alive"; 31, Tim McCoy in "Two 
Fisted Law." 

January 1, Lee Tracy in "Dr. 
X"; 2-3, Adolph Menjou in 
"Bachelor Affairs"; 4, Kay Francis 
in "Street of Women"; 5-6, "Re- 
becca of Sunnybrook Farm," with 
Marion Nixon and Ralph Bellamy; 
7, Bob Steeel in "Son of Oklahoma." 

The donkey is a Democrat 
He really can't be blamed for that 
But we're always right suspicious 
Of anything that's politicious. 

Holidays Number 



Including as it does, the poems of 107 students from 72 
universities and colleges, "American College Verse" is as 
authentic an antholog>" of new voices lifted toward the 
dreams and reveries of youth as it is possible to obtain. 

Stippled and splotched with such a varied gamut of 
youthful emotion, it would be hard to adequately describe 
the range and surprising depth of sincerity that these poems 
possess. With a quick facility to utilize the common-place, 
these coming poets so glorify and paint with pencils of 
lightsome mood, interspersed with darker tones, that one is 
lost in the picture presented, which is, perhaps, the most 
sincere compliment that any critic can pay. 

The treatment accorded these poems and the delicate 
finesse exhibited in the treatment thereof, afford the student 
of the subjective and the objective much food for thought 
were he to emulate their sheer delicacy. There is something 
for everyone in these poems of the coming generation of 
belles-lettres that they can hardly afford to do without. A 
book to be kept and read, and read, and then, in after years, 
to be re-read and still enjoyed. 


f Continued from Page 6) 

A loud knock on the front door. 

Capone: (standing up and in a challenging tone). I 
was fifty miles away when it happened and I got witnesses. 

The pledge class opens the door. Enter Papa and Mom- 
mer Cantor. 

Mommer Cantor: Geeve it here ah look Eddie! Chizzle 
cake from home. 

Hitler: (calling Eddie aside). What are they doing 

Cantor: They came in for the dance we're going to 

A long silence followed by knowing looks exchanged 
by the brothers. 

Capone: Hitler, break the ice in the water trough. 

Cantor is carried out gently but firmly and deposited in 


Dr. Samuel Johnson didn't like Burny's book, which had 
been very popular, so he took her in hand, but he just ruined 
her — I mean ruined her writing. 

— Prof. Chauncey Baldiiin. 

When you get used to my curve you will be able to ge.t 
a better luiderstanding of yourself. 

—Prof. T. If. Baldiiin. 

What stay had I but they? and they are gone. Don't 
mistake the word stays. 

—Prof. T. jr. Balduin. 




Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday 
December 11. 12, 13. 14 

The 4-Star Hit 



Thursday, Friday. Saturday 
December 15. 16. 17 





''The Cinema jority Go to the Rialto' 






Ph ot'O'^En oT-ev-V in OS 
Colo opMtT? S^ 

Idc^oi^ liittd 









Cash and Carry 

From Our 
University Office 

Lobby— Post Office 
704 South Sixth Street 




On Green 
On Oregon 
On Daniel 

'Meet the Gang at' 


(Co7ilinued from Page 16) 

stop drinking spliced beer and grow 
up. ... If the prom queen really got 
all her votes because people voted for 
her. ... If the Chi Psi's forgot they 
were gentlemen and found a new 
theme song other than the famous 
old hymn, "Jesus wants me," etc. . . . 
If people stopped calling the Phi 
Delt house the "sweat shop" and 
stopped accusing the Betas of wear- 
ing lace pants. ... If Ott Willett 
reduced around the hips. ... If Fred 
Siebert finally gave his Contemporary 
Thought course some reading they 
could enjoy. ... If people forgot all 
about who was elected and went to 
work. ... If the basketball team all 
of a sudden found that they were 
positively the best in the conference. 
... If Blanche Waddell forgot all 
her baby talk. ... If men stopped 
thinking that blondes were all gold- 
diggers and brunettes the kind you 
are swell pals with. ... If the carica- 
turist for the Siren stopped giving 
everybody double chins. . .. If Axe- 
Grinders for once wasn't something 
that you took your life in your hands 
when YOU attended. . . . 

Darn that shadow! 
I'm well fed! 

— Kitty-Kat 

Makes ine think 

When I see a tall giraffe 
I have to laugh and laugh and laugh 
What a knecker he must rate 
With a lady giraffe date. 

\bu dont Need to Paq fancq 

Prices '/(^^ (hiiejct cStntLoiwm 


You can't buy any stationery at any price better suited 
to your informal correspondence than the new "450 
Package." It is correct note sheet size, 6"x 7 ".The quality 
is actually better than found in many boxes of high- 
priced stationery. 

Give American Stationery for Christmas. It's a better 
gift than ever this year. Make up your list now and have 
your Christmas shopping done — early, economically 
and thoughtfully. 


Originator & Vl'orld'i Largcit Maiiufaclurir of Prinltd Note Paper 


IS correct 

HIS note paper 
for informal correspondence. We have 
supplied it for 18 years to many of America's most 
prominent families. It has been a favorite also among 
college men and women. 

With the introduction of the ne-w "450 Package" 
the cost of this fine note paper is made lo'wer than 
ever. It actually costs less than cheap stationery. 

It's the same style note paper -we have sold for 
18 years — same printed name and address — same 
prompt delivery — same price. But the quantity is 
now 50% greater! 

Send one dollar ($1.10 ■west of Denver and out- 
side of U. S.) and get one of the biggest bargains in 
fine merchandise offered in America. Your package 
printed and on its ■way to you within 3 days of re- 
ceipt of your order. No agents or dealers. Sold by 
mail only. Absolute satisfaction guaranteed. 

300 Note Sheets . Formerly 200 
ISO Envelopes . . Formerly \00 

45 O Pieces . . . Formerly 300 

lAU Printed with your 
Name and Address 


The American Stationery Co., 700 Park Avenue, Peru, Ind. 
Here is $1 for a box of "450 Stationer)'," to he printed and mailed 
as shown below. (§1.10 west of Denver and outside of U. S.) 



No raw tobaccos in Luckies 
—that's why they're so mild 




Copr., 1932, ' 
The American \ 
Tobacco Co, 

WE buy the finest, the very 
finest tobaccos in all 
the world — but that does not 
explain why folks every- 
where regard Lucky Strike 
as the mildest cigarette. The 
fact is, we never overlook 
the truth that "Nature in the 
Raw is Seldom Mild" — so 
these fine tobaccos, after 

proper aging and mellowing, 
are then given the benefit of 
that Lucky Strike purifying 
process, described by the 
words — "It's toasted". That's 
why folks in every city, town 
and hamlet say that Luckies 
are such mild cigarettes. 

It's toasted 

That package of mild Luckies 


' 1/ 


)LUME 1 ■. PINT 




Chipmunk Party Defeats Blahoo 
In Clean Election: QlmtH^^ll 
Presiden^^f^taauaiing Cla^ 




dge Holds 

lew U^^ds Ce 

Of "-^ Fool" Edito 



lie libel suit in w 

editor of th^Daily 
;)Iaintiff. came' 

judge sivinsr^BHBBB^^Sion in 
»r of the mini Publishing com- 
y, defendant. 

le plaintiff contended that 
or Krannert, manager of said 
pany. publicly asserted that the 

itiff was a lazy fooi. 

nnert did not deny the charge. 
;ending that it did not constitute 
inds for action. 

giving his decision, the judge 
lented the doctrine of stare de- 
He pointed out that precedent 

the common opinion of the 
lie was undeniably the same as 
defendant's, dismissing the case 
favor of Mr. Krannert and 
ring Willett to pay court costs. 

4:i%!i Kinrprety Til It it is unaM< 
tii^resent the rojiuili 
^tlii ■ rri^nt expliB <if ^^^tnts 

nnnhH^jk^^^tes under tlie 
•ii^^^^^^^^^"TIie Campus 

•lut.^nut tlie ( anons of jnur- 
nalistic ethics forbid the publica- 
tion of mutter ccincerniiii; mem- 
bers of the staff. Information 
may he received, however, by in- 
quirins at the northeast corner 
of Neil and I niversity at any 



illiam Karnes, aspiring young 

ician. was recently presented 
a rare Dodo bird, by members 

the Awful Fee sorority. Mr. 
les was walking along Armory 
lue at the lime of the ocurrence. 

ladies not even bothering to rise 
their chairs on the porch to 

ent him with the token of their 

■ration. The Dodo bird is better 
in the middle-west as a 

licheer bird. 

■hen approached by reporters 

the ceremony Mr. Karnes was 

a trifle flushed from the for- 

ih joys of the experience. "I 

ght that my debt to lhe*?<»u" 
was paid," he mode^y gv 

feed. •This sudden hoi 
ily overwhelms me." 
intend to place this rare bird 
ly safety-deposit box along with 
meager existence I eke out from 
niio, and will guard it with my 
ftom any or all snooping re- 
ers who may make use of this 
lent to further spread my fame," 

i no longer confines his omi- 
>glcal activities to Armory 
lue, for Karnes reports bagging 
most recent specimens in out- 

At the regular meeting of the 
I'niversity of Illinois Appropriation 
committee, it was decided that the 
$100,000 left to the University by the 
late John D. Rockstoop would be 
used for various very necessary and 
long hoped for improvements about 
the school. Among those listed 
were : 

A bar in the Sig Chi house for the 
Tri-Delts. to eliminate the incon- 
venience heretofore experienced — do 
i you know what I mean? 

More comfortable sleeping facili- 
ties for that certain history profs 
lecture room and softer floors for 
the Dekes to fall on when they slop 
out of their chairs. 

Maxim silencers for the Rustic 
Inn whiskey tenors. 
»Elevato«e ffofl^ Af^ floor Vni to] 
for /t 


An extension on the Chi O. fire 
escape — so inconvenient, this jump- 
ing six feet business. 

Part ownership in The Inn (nee 
Mel Root's) for the Kappas — those 
gay bounders! 

A face-lift for Phi Delt Pat — we'll 
all stand pat on that subject and 
those who can't stand Pat can dam 
well shut up about. 

Fire extinguishers for the Delta 
Zeta house since for the past few 
years it has frequently very nearly 

I^^Bie r^^Bt electioi 
in^^^Bclean ^^^^Vi^TTng the fol 
owing^^Bicers: Gilmort Willy 
►•nior president ; Bot L. N. Bonde, 
unior: Jeremiah Beyheft. sopho- 
more: and Joe Hayman. freshman. 

Mr. Willy, who besides holding 
the editorships of the Illini, .Agricul- 
turist, Illio. and Technograph, was 
captain of the varsity miniature golf 
team and marble team, won by the 
slight margin of 426 to H- The ^> 
vote given the Blahoo candidate was 
accounted for by Ot Willett and Clem 
Svilow, each of whom was allowed 
>i of a vote. 

In the other contests the scoring 
was as follows: Bonde. 41S to 417.9: 
Beyheft $1.50 to $2.00 : Hayman, time 

The statements of the winning 
candidates were enthusiastic, though 
modest. Said Willy in his best 
Scotch. "I would nae hae tooken the 
job ha' they nae pressed it on me." 

Bonde: "HicT" 

Beyheft: "Signals — 14—12—56% — 
57— Who'll bid a dollarr' 

Hayman: "No spika da Ingheesh." 



"If there is one thin;; that 1 .shall 
miss when I leave for the big city 
it will be my little cottage on the 
edge of town, among the pigs and 
cauliflowers." announced Harry 
Sideburn Chest, head janitor of the 
Iniversity, in a final tearful state- 
ment to the press. "No matter where 
I roam." he added, "the memories of 
pleasant evenings of pinochle in my 
little cabin will never le.'ive me." 

gone up on flames (if it ain't, it 

Stalls in Hanley's for the Mule 
Pollutiticians who get so tired of 
living on hot air and no hay-hay. 

lass case foi^the Univer- 
I#rty's solid sil\^r, hand-em- 
brmdered, furlined IDE.\LS. 

Field glasses for all students 
taking final exams — or any old kind 
of exams — . Eye strain is too seri- 
ous a matter to tamper with. 

The surplus of this fund will be 
donated to the farthingless femmes 
at the Chi Omega Coop to help them 
pay the $10 fine imposed for having 
that old alky breath. We feel that 
Mr. Rockstoop has accomplished a 
worthy purpose in making this our 
noble institution into a bigger and 
better place for — almost anything. 

Alleged Editorial Writer 

Corrupts Paper With 

Loving Degeneracy 

The Illini Board of Control yester- 
day ordered Charles E. Logan, al- 
leged editorial writer of the Daily 
Illini, to appear before it to answer 
certain charges other than taking 
little girls behind billboards. 

The charges were presented as fol- 

1. In his professional work he was 
accused of too much flippancy and 
not enough intelligence. 

2. Evidence was presented that 
he had other persons write supposed 
opinions of the editor. 

3. That he demoralized the paper 
with distorted and decadent wit- 

4. That his amorous degeneracy 
to bovine-like proportions was work- 
ing to the detriment of the "power 
of the press." 

5. That he was a stranger in the 
offices of the Dail.v Illini. 

6. That he was not as clever as 
first opinions threatened. 

7. That he used too many opinions 
of other papers and not enough of 
his own. 



Studies now being carried on by 
the Psychology department are 
bringing definitely to light the oft- 
suspected fact that there is a pre- 
cise correlation between athletic 
prowess and political success, ac- 
cording to Professor Woodrow, head 
of the department. The psychologists 
were impelled to begin their investi- 
ga^nsHIH.ev the ascendency of Mr. 
Hmvei^^kit^^rack treasurer ot the 
.SjBnf^df w^ity footbalF team, to 
the presidency of the I'nited States. 

The findings of Professor Wood- 
row and his associates show that the 
number of times a basketball player 
gets called for personal fouls per 
five minutes in an average game 
varies directly as the number of 
phony statements he makes in a 
campus political campaign. Also it 
was found that the average yardage 
gained by a half-back in any given 
season was proportional to the num- 
ber of votes he would get in the 
campaign following that season. 



Others' Opinions 

One year (by (los sled) $ .-"> 

One iiuinth l.OO 

One \\ek-\i ".M\ 

Why not sen<l a. copy home to Piippa? Or Mamma? Your 

name may be in it some day. 

Letters from this column don't have to be signed 
because we want to take all blame for any thing 
printed. After all, we write all the letters ourselves 
anyway, on account of wd can sa.> what we want in 


Sir Oscar Zikh Forestry 

Sir Mortimer Zilch Champaign 

Sir Henry Zilch Ping Pong 


The Zili-has, Inc. 

Attention, University Senate! 

End the Depression! 

Much has been done in tlie way of regulation.s toward 
restricting the student use of horses or horse-drawn vehicles 
and sleighs within the Twin Cities. Unless a student lives 
out of town, operates a truck garden, or has a drag like a 
freight locomotive, he is not allowed to operate a horse in 
these hyar parts. 

All well and good. Rut we feel that the no-liorse rule 
docs not go far enough. No provision is made in the grant- 
ing of permits that horses to be driven be suitable and con- 
forming with the University ideals as the color, height, 
wheel-base, and model of the animal are required, but such 
matters as his (or her) intelligence or character are totally 
ignored! For all the University authorities may know, 
many of the horses our students are dri\ing may be feeble- 
minded or immoral. 

We urge that the powers that be give this matter their 
imdivided attention as soon as possible. .At all costs the en- 
vironment and associates of the Illini must be kept pure and 
our collegiate reputation sustained. 

"Hew to the Line and Let the Chips Eall 
Where They May" 

Fraternities must realize that circumstances are different 
with the average student this year than they were last year, 
or in the years in the past. Despite the fact that the aver- 
age fraternit\' will not admit they pledge average students 
or average men, the fact remains that what they want now 
is a house bill and to hell with the personal side of the 

It is this facet, they have facets, that should interest 
the alums of the average fraternity. I'"acets are sides or 
planes of presentment of a surface and it is in fraternties 
that people present sides, right and left. If they are with 
you, it's due to the fact that the\ are on the wrong side. 
If they are with you and if they'll carry you along or get 
you a job, they are on the right side ; otherwise, we'd sug- 
gest you move out of the damn house on account of the\ 
are making money on you. 

Fraternities are all right if you can get by in tlie house 
and make money. They are bondfloating ventures with 
little or no conscience and unless you are hosing manager 
you can't imagine the hosing that you are going to get. 

Editor the Daily Illini : 

Although the I nuersity towns ha\e not been as hard 
hit by the depression as ha\e other localities in the state, 
day by day both student bod>' and townspeople are being im- 
pressed by the urgent necessity for unemployment and other 
relief here. We are realizing that it is now or never, and 
that we must put our wheels to the shoulder — iih — that is, 
our sheels to the shoidder — our weeds to the soldier — oh, 
hell, let it go! 

An\'way, my idea is to send a delegation selected from 
the Tribe of Illini around to the doors of the University 
buildings with the purpose of collecting all the discarded 
cigarette butts. These could be neatly packaged by the 
Women's League and sold to engineers and near-sighted 
students. The proceeds from these sales would, of course, 
be turned over to the Community Chest. 

As I have said before, it is now or never, etc., etc., etc. 


L. A. and S. Again 

Dear Editor: 

It seems to me that something should be done about tlie 
Liberal Arts and Sciences oflice force. The three women that 
they have in there are lousy, to say the least, as concerns the 
grade of work they put out. 

They are about as discreet as a group of cats sitting on 
a back alley fence on a Saturday night. When one has to 
see one of the assistant deans, their usual method of haiiil- 
ling inquiries is to ask what our parents died from and 
further if there is anything that we would like to know since 
they are equal to either one of the assistant deans at hand- 
ling affairs in general. 

(jranted that we pay a nominal tuition fee and that we 
get a great deal for the aforementioned money, it still seems 
rational that we could expect some sort, even of the most 
primitive, courtesy from these girls (?) that are drawing 
salaries the money for which is supplied by the people of the 
state of Illinois. 

Co-operation is a great thing and we seem to need it a 
great deal in this matter of the L. A. and S. ofHce. 

standing, so far! ) 

llliui Number 


\\ ritten to Fill the Top of 
the Column 

/'I'c tried to reach you 

By word, deed, or <i task 

IVhich has not reached its s^oal. 

To plant within your soul 

A seed of love, I ask 

Nothin;^ more to do. 

My offense is small. 
I merely loi-e yoti. 
You can't stop that 
Thoufih yoti may try, 
A nd, hy a lie 
That's rather flat. 
Deny that you do 
Love me too. That's all! 

— The Heroic Jester. 
— S— 
Dear Count : 

Have you hfar<l the saiul-blastei 's 
song" Brighten the Cornice Where 
You Are?" 

— Sweet (Lovely flunked out). 

— S— 
Nothing in my httle scut Box this 
morning but a muzzle, a short piece 
of rope, and a re\olver. I can't 
understand tluit! Cigarette me, 
people, cigarette me. 
— S— 
(J. W h\ does a chicken cross the 

A. To get to the other side. 

— S— 

The above contrib wins toda\'s 
double pass to see Tom Mix in The 
R'jvir Boys III Bay ar II ild Life in 
the Salv/ition .inny at the Park 
theatre. Passes not called for will 
be used by a certain young man 
whom we shall call O. W. 

— S— 
Dear Duke: 

I am a horticulture student and 
would like to know how soon you 
will stage another flower show. I 
have some simply dee-lightful pansies 
and violets, including myself that I 
would just love to have displayed in 

Hanle\"s window as soon as your 
next Duke Contest (as you so quaint- 
1\ put it takes place. Please let me 
know when 1 can enter anil just what 
the requirements are. 

— John Florence Da\is. 

— S— 

Lil. note: Please explain this to 
me. 1 don't vuiderstand. 

— S— 
Mai\ had a little lamb. 
Its fleece was white as snow. 
She took that lamb to Champaign, 
.And look at the damn thing now! 
— Nadir. 
— S— 

I put this thing in to fill up space, 
but what does it mean ? 

A new concoction rises to the fore 
to sup|ilant the well known "Tiger's 
Milk" — to-wit: 3 drops of oil of 
anise and a cup of sugar in t\\"o 
quarts of A. Shake, add ice, and 
drink as is. Can you take thatf And 
then there's that New Orleans 
Special — home brew and alky and 
peach brandy mixed! Drink it and 
the world is yours — and your front 
teeth are no longer yours — so what? 
— Lemuel Q. Soaknagel. 

— S— 

VA. note: If .Mr. Soaknagel will 
translate all this so that I can under- 
stand it, I'll consider admitting him 
to Sig Pi Mu (Such Poor Merri- 

— S— 

-As Brother Pup would say, "The 
probata must support the allegata." 
We agree with the gentleman in 
Hanley's (or was he a law student) 
who said that was true except in 
breach of promise suits \\ here it must 
support the inamorata. 

(Ed. note: "Each colunui should 
contain some reference to the law or 
law school so the readers will know 
that the Scut editor is a law student, 
not a humor editor." — Svilow's 

(iiiiile f'lr Criluiiiiiisls. Ed. 
Need the last be added?) 


In the colunui yesterday there ap- 
peared a statement that "a single 
'dolphin' will ha\e JdH bab\ 'dol- 
phins'." How do the\ get that way? 
— The 'J'err/ifiins 
(Who are, after all, the female 
swinuning (Ugani/;ition ) . 

— S— 

Here's a Good One 

He: "W^ho was that lad\ I seen 
\ou with last m'ght?" 

Second He: That was no lady; 
that was my wife ! " 

(I'd. note: That's the kind ue 
like, something new aiul different). 

— S— 

Dear Fluke : 

I've just got to tell \ou, I saw 

M W 'ii. J U 

'^7,, and L B '33. all dark, 

tall, an<l handsome politicians, kiss- 
ing a poor li'l blonde behind the 
stacks in the engineering library! 
And the li'l blonde insists it wasn't 
she she was out at the Band 
Library that night! 

— Bdhoo-hoo. 

You Write the Title 

Jet black hair like ebony. 
But soft like eiderdown. 
Curls round a face of i\ory ; 
Dark e\es ne\er frown 
CTershadou full red lips; 
The soft brow n fiu' of winter 
Surnuuul the beauty which quips 
Cannot in malice sinter. 

Thus sitteth oiu- in Psych., 

Who prattles nierriU. 

"Date her," said the handsomr 

"For that's how girls are won," 
Alas ! She is but six foot one 
While I am five foot three! 

— S— 
And a Roogie to anyone that reads 
this colunui. 

• — s— 

— but I have to study tonight. 
— Count. 



By Burp Herkins 


And how'iija like that game last 
night? We (I have to say that — 
ain't I an editorial) almost fell off 
from the back of the backboard when 
the mighty Chimpanzee Klam 
crashed into the referee and lost two 
teeth in the scufHe. Of course the 
ref got mixed up, called a foLil on 
himself and then lost his own game 
when he sank the free throw, but 
those things do happen. 

And now if the bers can 
sink the sextet from Lucia — 
pardon me, I mean the quin- 
tet from next door -- we 
should hook onto the ole red 
flag emblematic of the 
rivalry between us and >ou. 
Wouldn't that be swell? 
After that we'll start intra- 
mural drop - the - handker- 
chief, with all the boys meet- 
ing at 5 o'clock in the 
woman's g>'m for pre-game 

Have just heard that Joe Ramona 
ex 29x- who got kicked out of here 
back in the good ole days because he 
came to P. E. Juggling one day with 
.something stronger than alcohol on 
his breath got signed up to coach the 
Mexican Institute for the Deaf, 
Dumb, and Motheaten I?atbo\s. 
Some job, isn't it, in these days of 
prosperit\-. Before going, there, Joe 
coached seventeen peanut winning 
teams at the old ladies' school in 
Walla Walla (1 heard you the lirsr 
time. ) 

mini liariiwdoii 

lasli cau^lit in a neutral rorner witli liis pants 
down, just after drilil>lini: 

Here's a record hard to 
beat. Little .Ambrose (Gali- 
me-Darling) Whatnext pla>- 
ing for the Wild Irish 
Rosers from East St. Gra- 
hamcracker swiped the ref- 
eree's whistle si.xteen times 
in succession in a hotly con- 
tested game of basketball. 
With the score tied and one 
hour and a half to play, he 
sneaked up and bit the 
scorer in the ankle, winning 
the game and getting himself 
kicked out of the Kankakee 

SHAVERS— Marmaduke :\Iud- 
face went through three mules and 
a dromedary the other day in a polo 
game to establish some sort of record 
that nobod)' wants to break. 'Tis 
rumored that the Craig Emerald is 
attempting to sign him up to replace 
Essex Hadesirish on the backgam- 
mon team next season . . . And 
Pansy Shorthose gained a timely ad- 

vantage over Jose Xoitsurturn in a 
fiercely contested battle at quoits the 
other evening. Pansy was two and 
dinner to go, when Jose swallowed 
one of the horse shoes. But Pansy 
met the situation with a jiackage of 
Ex-Lax. (Adv.) 


Red Owen Runs Dance Palace 

The w. k. red-headed basketball 
captain. Red Owen, is wow the man- 
ager of the equ.illy w. k. Park. It 
is rumored among those who know 
that dear Red has been handed 
pretty much of a song and dance ;uid 
that must be where he got the ex- 
perience. Anyway, we wish him 
luck, on both dances! 

— S— 

Frosh : "How about a date?" 
Senior Co-ed : "Sorry, but I ne\ er 

go out with a baby." 

Frosh: "Oh, pardon me, I didn't 

know you had one." 

— // ashinytoii (Autumns. 

llinii \ limber 




\\ (iiiian's sl:in i'aii:;lit ill intiiniial |i(ises 

Questions and Answers 

Dear Siren : 

Is it all ri^lu for me to wear a 
Heir pin and •-rill sit in the Prexy's 
box tor basketball games/ 

— Pi Phi Transfer. 

Answer — ^ es. but tr\ ami work a 
seat for the owner of the pin too. 
(We're all for young love every 
time ). 

Dear Siren: 

1 want to be one of the pin girls 
ami am not having so much luck. I 
am wearing m\' father's Phi Gam pin 
now. Is that all right? 

— Jean Morris. 

.Answer — It was before the war. 

So anil So: M\ bed was stolen 
last night ! 

Such and Such: No biuik? 

Fashion Notes 

Herb Auw, .\. 1". O. ex-life guard, 
ad\ocates nail polish for the mitts 
ot the well-dressed college man. 1 11 
bet he looks lovely with theni match- 
ing a striking green evening gown. 
Hunt up his 'phone number yom- 
self, boys. 

.Marge Johnson. A. D. Pi, wears 
hose that ha\e her monogram in the 

— s— 

Theta Clothes Will Be Worn by 
Men Without Dates 

The I ). I . buwer\' dance was one 
social e\ent where we noticed this 
phenomena. Naur. Psi I . freshman, 
is credited with originating the idea. 
M_\', my! What a lot of he-men on 
this campus. 


Runs Casanova Close 

Race; Raised in Lap 

of Luxury 

The world at large ma\- ha\e their 
Prince Michael of Rouinania, but 
here in the L Diversity of Illinois we 
ha\e something that is quite as 
uiuque. It seems that this person, 
Harker I). Herr, 1210 West Cali- 
fornia, L rbana, is quite as authentic 
as is this Prince Michael thing. 

To his man\ friends and acquain- 
tances, ( ? ) Harker admits to being 
from the "Blue grass regions of Ken- 
tucky" ; he is also working on his doc- 
tor s degree. .Not content with let- 
ting these many friends and acquain- 
tances ( ?) alone and in peace with 
this story, Herr Herr goes on to say 
that he was also a teacher in Cin- 
cinnati or some town in (^hio for 
two years. He also danced with a 
group of professional dancers for 
sometime. It seems that they were of 
the same type of dancers that Ted 
Shawn brings to our campus each 
now and then. No, he's done more 
than this, he has also taken his de- 
gree, his master's degree, from the 
I mversity of Chicago. All his life, 
we gathered from these impression- 
istic pictures of wild imagery, had 
been spent in the lap of luxur\' 
amidst the softest of croonings about 
()' Black Joe and Mammy, sung to 
the tune of clmkuig glasses and nunt- 
juleps, of which he is, he says, a 
connisieur, or however you spell it. 

Now the peculiar part of this is 
that we ha\e, here on the campus 
several of his high school chums, a 
fnend of ours that says he has al- 
ways lived in Bloomington and who 
went to Knox college with him. In- 
quiries at the graduate school's offices 
brought the information that Herr 
(Cnntiniiitl nn Pntje 20) 



Mitti, Ddisi, and (iini pose, with Howie Vmiii;; and Hed 
Owen in liarkiirmind 

Chio Trio Rates the Beta House 

Climaxing a successful musical 
career, the Chio trio achieved the 
epitome of social success when Alittie 
Ruth finalJN annexed Johnny Ryde's 
Beta pin. If they can find an un- 
suspecting Beta for Dorsey, every- 
thing will he just too sweet. But 
what Beta wouldn't suspect Dorsey? 

Richartl ( I'sych department) 
Ledgerwood asked the Siren re- 
porters not to mention his secret 
marriage. We won't, I^ick. 

— S— 

J. Wesley Swanson, Illinois' gift 
to the I)ra\ina o\\ns a perfect walk 
according to Wesley and a foot 

All pigeon-toed striders ma\' now 
apply for the Trihe of lllmi. 

— S— 

Another recent marriage was that 
of Dottie Onken (A. I). Pi) ti' 
Owen Edwards (A. Chi Rho). We 
have no conclusion to draw, so dr:i\\ 
vour own. 


10 o'clock: Coleman (irifRth, dear 
ol' Coley, will give a class room lec- 
ture on "The Psychology of Being 
What You Think You Are." 

11 o'clock: I rbana Mother's club 
will get together for a post mortem 
on their various operations which 
they will broadcast. 

12 o'clock: Dinner . . . Sound ef- 
fects by Joe Mirabella. 

1 o'clock : Yesterda\ 's news re- 
views by the great lover, York 

2 o'clock: No broadcasting. (We 
are broke). 

.1 o'clock : Same as abo\ e . . . 
4 o'clock : Sisn off. 


I Pull the 

By Maggie Moron 

^ MMWWW^j'W^M^MWWWWW///WW///m > 

We always thought that Feedle- 
bauins was owned by the smaller of 
the two Feedlebaums. It isn't. The 
larger of the two Feedlebaums owns 
the controlling share and does he 
raise hell with the lesser half. . . .! 

The old Jack O'Lantern has gone 
and we now see the passing of the 
last comfortable booths in Twin- 

What with a new presidency 
coming up for fulfillment, we are 
offering the Roo.seveltian odds that 
SO per cent of the guesses are wrong 
as to who fills Chase's place when he 
goes. Which reminds me of a story 
anent Carl, //(c Carl Chase who 
dances and throws roses, or does he? 
. . . anyway, it was back at the Presi- 
dent's reception, way back when, and 
the flowers looked rather wilted, to 
which Carl replied, "Well, what 
could you expi'<t with these servants 
around here?" Said servants being 
of our Varsit\ wrestling and football 

Doc Williams, the Dae Valentine, 
has hung his pin and now his life 
is rather messy since the boys at the 
shed demand that he pass cigars and 
that's against Doc's principles seeing 
as how he is of Scotch ancestry and 
besides there isn't a wholesaler in 
town that Doc can use his per- 
centage on, so the rat-race goes 
merrily on. . . . 

Lee Savage, Luneberg's onl\ rival 
of last year, was back on the campus 
for a few days and he says that they 
aren't what they used to be . . . we 
agreed witli him . . . what e\er he 
meant. . . . 

And did everybody see the petite 
Pi Phi sitting in the library calmly 

Illini N limber 

\vcnrin<; the top of her pajamas with 
a wool skirt? Perhaps the male popu- 
lation of this campus were none the 
wiser, but those of us who have pa- 
jamas similar to the ones she was 
sporting, aie in the "know." That 
there pretend blouse was nothin" but 
a p. j. top, purchased in Field's base- 
ment. The depression must be creep- 
ing right down onto Wright street, 
since the Pi Phis are wearing their 
nightrobes in the bright and sunny 
mornings as well as in the evenings. 

And speaking of going tempera- 
mental — did you see Ray Dvorak's 
tantrum at the Northwestern B. 1?. 
game? Because the stands didn't sing 
loud enough, he stopped the band in 
the middle of a number and went and 
sat down I 

In m\ nine o'clock the other morn- 
ing, the instructor asked which of the 
first three floors in Lincoln hall had 
the most pictures — and the brilliant 
Mr. Baker who sits in the very first 
row, responded, "The fourth floor! " 

One of the sophomores in our 
Speech class raised a howl the other 
day by telling of a certain farmer 
who returning from the Civil war, 
kissed his wife, and raised a crop! 

We learned a very amusing thing 
last week — one of our high and 
mighty deans here used to make a 
little extra money on the side by en- 
dorsing breakfast food — of all things. 
Which brings to our mind the state- 
ment Red Grange made that he'd en- 
dorse anything for S5,000. Well, in 
the frame of mind we're in right 
now, we'd endorse Fletcher's Cas- 
toria for a paltr\ five cents ! 

One of my instructors sagely re- 
marked not long ago that he never 
finds it hard to grade students, be- 
cause, after all, there are only two 
kinds of students that attend lectures 
— those who sleep and who 
don't sleep — and the former grade 

An Illio meeting was held in the 
vestibule of the POP house on the 
night of the Junior prom. Bob 
Young, business manager, brought 
Marie Walling, sophomore manager, 


Prof. Murphy is sliown tlrivins home with the l)ull 
after .Journ. 17 exam 

home, only to find Gladys Xovotny, 
woman's business manager, Ruth 
Dalrymple, woman's editor, Barbara 
Kerch and Elsie Minier, both junior 
managers, and Louise Worth, Sopho- 
more manager, all kissing their dates 
good-night. All in the family, don't 
you know. 

Dr. Sears has taken to jingles as a 
way of teaching the various charac- 
teristics of the mentally diseased. 
Here is one of the many: — 

Cretins sit, 

And whittle or spit. 

Have you a little fireside in your 
home ? The Sigma Kappa house has, 
! although they may not know it. We 
feel they should be warned. Here's 
how we found out. Herb Nelson 
cams into English 42 class late the 
other day, and instead of going to the 
seat assigned to him, next to Doris 
Burritt, he deposited himself in the 
back of the room. "Mr. Nelson, " re- 
quested Dr. Paul, "won't you please 
come over to \our own fireside? I'm 
sure you'll be much uarnier if you 
sit next to Miss Burritt." And life 
goes on — . 

Russ Scott, the sweetheart of Phi 
O. Pi, (having dated 15 of their 
number), was over at 713 W. Ohio 
one Sunday recently, and as he was 
leaving, his date of the day reached 

Wilbur Denies Library Stor>- 

\V hen interviewed near the verv 
spot of the crime, Mort confessed to 
our reporter that the whole thing was 
a publicity stunt to work up interest 
in the new line. The platform: a 
blond to kiss in the library for every 
vote ! The Chios are said to be sacri- 
ficing themselves for the cause. But 
more! Wilbur insists that his little 
fau.\-pas was a brunette. 

Phi Sig: .And how are you? 

Tri Delt: Oh we're all right. 

Phi Sig: -Migawd what do >ou 
mean Jl'e? 

Tri Delt: Just ate an apple witli 
.T worm in it. 

What a funny thing a penguin is, 
.A full-dress suit is really his 
Pajamas and his swimming suit, 
A most utilitarian brute. 

-Active: How did you like your 
breakfast ? 

Pledge: Oats all right. 

up to kiss him — then as an after- 
thought, turned to those of her sis- 
ters who were present .uid asked, 
"You don't mind, do \ou?" 
"Heavens no," replied ten or so in 
unison, "I've done the same thing 


We Know a Better Way 

Was Bill Karnes' face ever red at 
Axe (iriiuler's! He appeared at tin- 
dance with his physiognomy sinipK 
covered with indelihle lipstick — and 
he insists to this day that his land- 
lady put it on him — with her fingers. 
It may be so, but we dunno, the story 
sounds so queer — . The howl of it all 
is that he had to go to Military the 
next day, and the durn stuff was in- 
delible! His landlady should have 
been more thotful, no matter hoiv she 
applied it. This same young gentle- 
man brought this same landlady (it's 
beginning to sound involved) a three 
pound box of candy back at Christ- 
mas time — but as there was a train 
wreck (don't we all know it?) he 
spent the long, long hours consuming 
the candy — and he's been in bed ever 

As for that train wreck and the 
resultant wait. 1 thought I'd die the 
death of a rag-baby before we finally 
hit Champaign. The first hour or so 
wasn't so bad, just as we never mind 
so much the first song or two that 
the Chi Cl. trio renders — Imt iiftir 
that — 1 

Bill Clark & Babe 

However, there are always some 
little things to brighten up the dark- 
est hours — and the long wait on the 
train was immeasurablN' brightened 
by the show that Helen Ruth Hosier 
and her tall, lanky bo\-fiiend put on 
in the back of coach two. Mebbe it 
wasn't a show — mebbe it was an en- 
durance contest or a Marathon. Any- 
way it surely was somethin', lor they 
spent the entire eight horns from 
Chicago to Champaign in uhat was 
practically one, elongated kiss. We all 
enjoyed it immensely, and wish to 
publicly thank them ; it was worth 
the $.3.45 train fare just to see it. 
And the strangest thing of all was 
that the only light in the train that 
was out was directly above their 

And I'm ilill laughing over what 

a certain Chi (). confessed to me 
today. It seems that as the semester 
was drawing to a close, she deciiled 
she had better do some thing about 
the "D" she was scheduled to receive 
in a particular course. W^hereupon, 
said Chi (). hastened up to her in- 
structor and in the sweetest of voices 
requested a conference. He obliged 
and designated 210 University hall 
as the meeting place — but our little 
heroine is not so heavy on the mem- 
ory work, and turned up at 210 Lin- 
coln hall the next day at tlv 
appointed time and all, only to find 
that that certain room was unmis- 
takably labeled "MEN." Her only 
worry was whether she was to meet 
him going in or coming out! 

The Woman Pays 

The beautiful and \ersatile Dorsey 
Conners has gone temperamental as 
well. She was scheduled to sing at 
the New Year's Eve party, given by 
the Intercollegiate club at the Steu- 
ben club in Chicago on December 
.31st last. Consequently, she received 
all due publicity — her pictures in the 
papers, etc. Moreover, she got into 
the dance without paying the re- 
quired $'), ami managed to get her 
sorority sisters in at half price — and 
then she didn't sing! The orchestra, 
it seems, couldn't play "Willow, 
weep for me" in H flat. It worked 
once — will it work again? 

And here is a story with a moral :- 
Never, never trust those orchestra 
leaders! Joe Tills did, and is he 
sorry! At the Sophomore cotillion, 
whin he was still innocent as to their 
perfidy, he danced himself and Dot- 
tie Flowers, POP, up to the plat- 
form and remarked to Charlie 
Agnew that he wouldn't mind direct- 
ing a band like that. "(Oh, you 
wouldn't would you," replied Charlie 
with a dastardly gleam in his eye, 
"well, if \ou'll let me dance with 
that good-looking girl of yours, I'll 
let you direct the orchestra." "Fair 
enoLigh," responded Joe, still inno- 
cent and still abroad. Whereupon, 

Illini S ii)nhir 

Mr. Aj;iu'\\- walkcil oH the phittorm 
and waltzed a\va>' with Dottic. What 
was there fnr poor jne to do but 
direct the hand. And ('.luirlii- d'uhi' t 
mint Ixuk until nf/tr five dances! 
Did they ha\e the tun, the? And tn 
■m\i.\ insult to injur\, Ai^new \i:\\f 
Dottic his baton and autographed it 
to boot. Oh. it's a great lite! Ask 

At the w. k. Chi Hete prison ilance 
this year, they had their w. k. electric 
chair, in which each young ladv was 
placed upon entering the jail. Im- 
agine the embarrassment ot the poor 
co-ed who h\e\\- the tuse ! 

At the same dance. the\ pronu'sed 
all those who were condemned to 
.solitary confinement that they should 
ha\e warm water tor breakfast, hot 
water for luncheon, and cold water 
at night. The depression must ha\(' 
ended at the Chi l?ete house. We 
h.i\e cold water all the time. 

IV hen Greeks Meet 

The\ sa\ that this Xicholsen. of 
the philosophy department, is plent\ 
tough on the women, but we can re- 
member when there was a certain 
Flstelle Burndt that had him taking 
her out to pla\ tennis and to coken' 
smoke and a lot of things . . . and 
further, she had him in class . . . 
(meaning what. .Mi. Circen? oh 
nothin', nothin' at all . . .onl\ . . . 
angels have big feet. . . . ) 

Ha\e you heard of the drunken 
Sig Alph that called up a taxicib 
compain and said. "Sweetheart, get 
\()ur nightgown on ,ind come on o\er 
. . . wni] bring a cake of ice with 
M)u." Well, the cab dri\er ilid it and 
w hen he came over, we mean, \\hen 
the cab driver brought the ice. not 
the nightgown, well, when the cab 
driver came over with the ice, the 
sigalph came down ;uul said. "Oh! 
Did I order that, too?" So he takes 
the ice and pays for it and leaves the 
dri\er to drive on alone, the part\ 
went merrily on its wa>- back up the 
stairs of the Sig Alph maison, ice 
on slioidder, superbly content. 

Esther Kicks It . . . 

Puling mid semesters, Ksther 
I ehl, how di) you spell that name? 
. . . an\way, at the regular tlance, we 
saw Ksther cavorting arouiul and we 
immediately nonu'nated her foi- the 
presidency of the Mother's Club of 
the future on account of the wa\' she 
kicks her feet about, \'ou know, sort 
otlike this, one, two, thiee, one, two, 
three, . . . ad infinitmu. . . . 

T hree Chi Omegas were m;u ried 
this last semester, which reminds us 
that they get the honors, just like the 
North West mounted. Still, the 
Thetas have something to crow about 
too, they had an alum married in 
the house during mid-semesters, ac- 
cording to Madame Dickerson. We 
wondered if this alum was trying to 
encourage the girls and cheer them 
up with a demonstration of doing the 

W^here, oh where, are tlie Pi 
Phis? We haven't heard one nastx 
fenu'nine remark about them once 
last semester. Is it possible that, like 
the old gray mare, "they aren't what 
they used to be" ? Speaking of Pi 
Phis, Mary Henley, who pledged Pi 
Phi back when Foellinger was 
woman's editor of the Illini and 
when Mary was working on the 
Illini, has been rather innocuous of 
late. Hoy and girl, go thou and look 
that word up in \e dictionarv, it's a 
good one . . . joe. . . . 

"Synergy" — Marriage? 

We nonu'nate to the Siren hall of 
fame, a Mr. (loldstein who takes 
Sociolog\- ( )ne at '' A. .M. The class discussing "S\nergy, " and the 
detiru'tion was written on the boanl 
— "the combination of antagonistic 
(dements for a common result. " 
"Now." said the instructor, "who 
will gi\e us a good illustration of 
this process?" His eye fell on the un- 
lucky Mr. (Goldstein. "What," the 
instructor wanted to know, "is a 
good example of antagonistic ele- 
ments uniting for a mutually desired 
(d'lnlinncd nn I'ru/r 10) 



Hnp, RAMrt 

'You Haven't the Guts, Adolphe!" 

(Continued from Page 9) 
lesiilt?" Our hero opened one sleepy 
eye, ami muttered, ".Marriage." 

The much-tooted Axe Grinder's 
ball has been and went. But many 
are the memories that linger there- 
from. First of all there is the story 
of the little Pt^P who wanted to 
know whether she should send home 
for her formal for the dance or not! 
Moreover, the rumour is abroad that 
Rady and Cohen indulged in a lot of 
what the\ called "social work" when 
the lights went out at the aforemen- 
tioned Ball. We'll let that pass, be- 
cause Bill Shakespeare himself saiii 
that a rose by ani,' other name would 
smell as sweet. It is also alleged that 
this same Dottie Cohen, who crooned 
a little crooning at the braul, asked 

her escort, ingeniously or otherwise, 
if Joe Brock, dressed in the conven- 
tional black and white stripes so aptly 
fitted to his person, were a fugitive 
from a chain store! Now you tell 

Hark! Hark! 

We're wondering whether Dr. 
Paul is feeling as hurt as he should 
be feeling over the inability of his 
students to appreciate his vocal 
po\\ers. The other da\' he entertained 
his English 41 class with a melodic 
renilering of, "Hark, hark, the lark" 
without words, and ha\ing finished, 
he requested the students to tell him 

what he had been singing. One of 
those awful, sinking-spell hushes fell 
o\er the classroom, and everyone 
began industriously scribbling in their 
notebooks. Finall\ one brave girl, a 
Miss Peterson, raised her hand. "Ah, 
Miss Peterson," beamed Dr. Paid, 
"and what was I singing?" "Schu- 
bert's Si'rfn/uic." she responded. 

A certain jaunty co-ed was ac- 
cused of being a flirt, the other day. 
"How wrong yovi are"; she sighed, 
"my love is eternal — but the object 
jus:: changes !" 

The Phi Omega Pi house was visi- 
ted by robbers the night before 
Thanksgiving vacation, and when the 
girls came back to school, they de- 
cided to keep the doors securely 
((Jn)!/i)ii/(/l on PiKjc 14) 

llliiii .\ umber 




mini B<iar<l of ( (iiilri)l lueaMirin:; 
candidates for lllini jiilis 



Mi(l>t cries of '"You C)lii nieanie. 
you!" and replies of "You're an- 
other!", the lllini veteran debaters 
defeated another group of veteran 
debaters. The\ also were lllini men. 

The match took place in the rooms 
of the Clii Tau house and the oppos- 
ing teams took their position across 
the street in the AKL windows. 

The question debated was. at best, 
debatable, since no one seemed to 
know, nor did the spectators, who 
had not paid aii\' admission since 
Tuesda\. care. This reporter was 
also there. Others present were. 
Barnacle McDougall '39 and there 
were a host of others. The other side 

Weather Forecast 

Chambana: Rain nn I uesda\ ; an\ 
other day, rain, snow, hail, liell, 
slightly warmer, slightly colder in 
south-east portion near Haifa Dam 
house: fidl moon once a month, full 
every night if you supply it. 


Marion Irrni.inn '->-\ tiammer 
Pher Heter. spent the Christmas va- 
cation in the wilds of Michigan. An 
iceberg, it is said b\ the sistern (or 
is it cistern?), is responsible for the 
handaized nose. It is reported that 
the iceberg is doing as well as can 
be expected. 

(, ieorgie .Staudt, >i>n ul .Mi. and 
Mrs. Staudt, finds it difficult to con- 
centrate on how many papers to 
whom but linds great relaxation in 
basketball games. Howie Emrich also 
bears this great love for sport, as ilo 
the (jamma Phis and the .Alpha 

.Marj .Morrison, bwoc, and Rob- 
ert (Stone-face) Dwyer, BMOC, 
waited for 25c seats at the Virginia 
the night of the Soph Cotillion. It 
has been heard that the ushers 
thought Hob was one of their bosses 
so resplendent was he in his formal 

It is local gossip in the Union 
Building basement that the Theta 
Chi pin worn by Helen (Freshman 
Frolic) Garland was not that of any 
number of the lllini business staff. 

Phi Tau's Cause Much Trouble 

The Phi Tau's scarlet fe\er s.are 
was far-reaching in its consequences. 
Margaret Krames. Alph Zi. had to 
submit to a test for scarlet fever. 
Miss Krames when questioned by oin' 
doughty reporter ( he'd had .scarlet 
fever) said she was in no wa\' con- 
nected with the Phi Tau house. 

Heilen \\'\notr '.-i^ will >pcnd the 
weak-end in bed in Cliicago. 

Sports Bulletin 

Esther Uhl, women's business 
manager of the lllini. and By (\. 
M. C. A.) Josi are more or less 
weekly attendants at well-known 
movie houses. 

Contestants for the walking races 
will start back and forth in JC's any 
Wednesday now. AVomen and chil- 
dren first. 


Donald Stearns Hoebei. pride of 
Chi Psi lawdge, has at last turned 
his attention to the business .staff. 

Of course we'\e all heard ot tin- 
widow who sued the editor of her 
local paper for sa\ing in an obituar) 
that her husband "had gone to a 
happier home. " 



Trophies won by Kissy-fa<ed Chi-Os in Inter moral nerkins toinnanunt 



OTT WILLET— Who is a big perch 
of the WGGD, an honest-to-God 
independent, a member of Ma- 
Wan-Da, Student Council, and 
Sigma Delta Chi. Just a cigar- 
smoking, free-passing (to himself), 
home-town boy who made good. He 
favors keeping his yellow-sheet out 
of campus politics. 


BOB HAWKINS^Handsome and 
debonair bachelor sports editor, 
without a trace of b. o. Member of 
Ma-Wan-Da, Sigma Delta Chi, and 
the Varsity Glee Club, holding re- 
hearsals at any time. Although one 
of the best looking and most pleas- 
ant men on campus, he has never 
been known to date. 

CHUCK LOGAN— Who makes a 
dime do the work of a ten-dollar 
bill. He does the same with his 
energy and abilities as chief edi- 
torial writer. Loves a Pi Phi, has 
a large vocabulary, looks like an 
Airdale, and belongs to Sigma 
Delta Chi and Alpha Chi Rho. 

////»/ Number 




BOB DW^'ER Big, dark, and affec- 
tionate like the PiKA dog. Known 
as "Atlas" due to bearing the 
problems of the Stevvdent Council 
on his shoulders. Chi Phi, Ma- 
Wan-Da. and Sachem. Not loud 
except when he and the ed get to- 
gether for a little plain and fanc> 
nocturnal gong-kicking. 

DON HOEBEL— .\ssociate business 
manager. Sachem, Ma-Wan-Da, 
Chi Psi, Pan-Hell Committee, a 
quiet sort of smoothie from 'way- 
back, in realitj' one of the big 
powers behind several campus 
thrones. If the depression ever 
lets up we won't be surprised to see 
him holding down a big job. 

W.VRREN B.A.DGER Who is the 
soulful-eyed news ed. a Ma-W an- 
Da, and Sachem. .Xt present he is 
in intensive training to become one 
of the beer barons of the Phiddle- 
deephi house. He is said to be the 
last Kappa Sig with principles. 



(Conliniud fro/ii Page 10) 

locked. Thereupon, on the next Sun- 
day night when everyone went out to 
Kamerer's for dinner, Louise Worth 
was discovered painstakiiifily bolting 
lierself and her Chi Hete boy-friend 
in. "What's the matter, Louise," 
questioned one of the sistcrn, "are 
you going to be busy?" "Oh, no," the 
one in question responded, "but 1 
don't want to get caught!" Now we 
ask you ! 

Mr. Sears, doctor of psychology, 
(he also will have given nie my grade 
bv the time this issue comes to light), 
remarked in his abnormal course the 
other day (take it as you will), that 

no one ever got married without 
spending much time in talking baby- 
talk. And the dear doctor just got 
married himself this last summer. We 
imagine his wife would be grateful 
for tliis information. 

Tight Crib 

In an exam, a freshman arri\cd 
who was oh! so very tight the night 
before. He cahiily sat in a vacant 
seat ne\t to the instructor, hioked at 
tlie exam, sliook his bleary head, 
opened his notebook and proceeded to 
copy the crib he had prepared — for 

another course ! ( Name furnished on 
request — also course number in case 
any f rosh is worried ) . 

Imagine the embarrassment of 
jerry Mc(irew and liis little girl- 
friend ! They \\ent into a certain 
Coke and Smoke the other night, and 
were requested by one of the wait- 
resses to kindly cease their participa- 
tion in the muiierous kissing games 
which were taking up theii" time and 
e\eiyone else's, incidentally. The 
management, it seemed, did not care 
tor tliat sort of thing. ( I'robabh it 
annoyed the waitresses). t)h, well, 
the restaurant just lost two good 

Blase' Jane 

— Princeton Tujcv 

Thrills do come into being, e\en 
HI the life of the blase college stu- 
dent, we felt real sorry foi' Janr 
!Vloberly the other day, she saui she 
hadn't had a real thrill since she got 
a baby buggy for Christmas and 
was way back when. . . . We'll tell 
Santa Claus for you, Jane, next 
time, as we do oblige. 

Every morm'ng and every niglit 
we find immense satisfaction in 
listening to Lowell l?lancharil, llu 
breaker of hearts, mis-pronounce this 
and that over station W-I-L-L. 

They say Mirabella's going into 
the movies. He's got a job doubling 
for "The Lost Legion," which re- 
minds us, "(^h Katherina, oh Kath- 
erina, there's so much of \ou, two, 

Good Old Katie! 

Kay Tuach, surel\' \ou know Ka\ 
Tuach ! Well, an>wa\-, tickle dame 
rumour had it that her picture was 
going into the next issue of College 
Humour and then slie heard that the 
damn thing, meaning the mag, was 
broke and had suspended publication. 
All well, e\erything comes to him 
(and her) who waits. We'll take 
your picture, little kirl ! And when 
the mag did come out she was .ab- 
sent ! 

llliiii yj limber 





Phi Delt He-men are shown puttini; ;i huttun mi a I'lcish. No hut- 
hnxini^: It's all out in the open 

It sets tiresome trying to figure 
()\it the status of the Aldythe j 
Taylor in the hearts of her one and 
only duet of boy friends. Sorta' 
wish Puerta wouM tell AVilsoii he 
was in the way or vice versa. Any- 
thing to end the dirty looks that are 
being cast indiscriminately. . . . 

High-Hat Giesecke 

(Outside of Giesecke high-hatting 
the sistern and not eating at the Tri- 
Delt camouflage, we wonder what's 
new over at 508 Chalmers. The last 
time we went by there, there was 
one of those red-lanterns burning out 
in front of the house. Of course. 
now, it didn't mean a thing ... or 
shall we say, "It don't mean :i 
thing . . . 

Coleman Griffith, of the ed. psych 
department, is amusing as hell. Dur- 
ing one of his finals he was pacing 
up and down the floor and suddenly 
he whirled and turned toward the 
room, shouting, "What are you look- 
ing at?" He counted eighteen voices 
and they all replied, "Who me?" . . . 
( it isn't safe to have one of those 
psychologists around . . . ) 

Someone said they saw Hurdman, 
of the Romance Language depart- 
ment, out on a date the other night. 
Editorially speaking, we wonder 
what our facultv is coming to! 

There's going to be a lot of ex- 
citement when the word in general 
determines whether or not Red Owen 
is married or not. 

Housemother Ramsey, of the Sig 
Chi house, says they don't need any 
rushees till next fall. What that 
sounds like, we don't know, but it 
does strike one rather queerly in these 
days of the depression. 

They say the reason that Stan 
Brasch hangs around with Hopeless 
Harry the Halfwit. (Johnny Hope), 
is that neither trusts the other in re- 
gard to Madame Connors. 9ll7 
South W^right. Champaign. 

Passion Pit 

Not that there will be anything 
done about it, but it would be a good 
idea if the inmates of the Passion 
Pit, Davenport house, would kindly 
refrain from kicking the gong arouiul 
in various places that are public. 
notably one tall seductive looking 
brunette with the general tonnage 
displacement of a truckhorse. 

Mr. Houghton of the Sociology 
department is in for it again. ( Ry 
the time this issue of the Siren comes 
out. he will have handed in my 
grade). First of all, he breaks into 
print because he advocates the t\ing 
(Continuid on Page 24) 

When Sheriff Shoaff raided the 
Sig C^hi house Satiirtlay night he 
foiiiul that things were as usual and 
he arrested, or took into ciistod\ 
about all but two of the boys. Those 
he took into custody he arraigned on 
the charge of possessing pins and of 
usurping the peace and dignity of 
man. The raid was a complete suc- 
cess as far as prizes were counted but 
a failure in regard to the nione\ situ- 
ation since not one of the men could 
pay their fines. 

Rather than board the men at tl.e 
expense of the county, argued house- 
mother Ram,se>', why didn't the kind 
sheriff let the bo\s go and they woidd 
not, not once e\ent, insist in anyone's 
joining their frat club. It has. he ad- 
mitted, in the past, been the custom 
to become what he termed, rather 
"insistent " on their rushees pledging 
the house, but, and liere he averred, 
(that's a swell word), they wouldn't 
do that ainmore. The sheriff looked 
rather pained and with another look 
of pain, he let them go. 



Last night Lorraine Nauman, in a 
calm manner, introduced Fred 
Stresau, one of Ciod's Chi Psi's as 
jack McKenzie. The young man 
hided his time and later asked her 
if she knew Fred Stresau. She said, 
'^'es, quite well. " What she did 
after Fred calmly admitted to being 
that young lad was not known b\ 
press time. 

Mis!> Xauinan is here shown intro- 
iliicin:; >Ii'. Stresau 


T h c S I 1< E N 

To a Placid Individual 

I shall rcincnilx'i yoii w itli (|uii't tliiiif^s — 


A clear cold star 

Set in a haze of hlue shall hriiiL; your face 


A platiimni lake 

Shall hrirr^ the calmness of \'our smile. 

I'ale roses 

Shall capture nieniory — 

111 a vase of blue 

Shall make the thouiiht of you 

Come gliding 

Thoughtfully — 

Gently — 


(^'er the bridge of years. 


On some poor sufferer's face — 

A book 

Lonely on a shelf — 

Laxendar — old lace. 

Thus I'll remember \()u ! 

To a Tempermentalist 

I shall remember you with vnid thmgs- 

A splash 

Of riotous color 

Shall recall your name. 

A red-orange sunset 


On a purple sk\ — 

Foaming sea-wa\es 

Or a night-wind's cry. 


Calm or gray or simple, 


Quiet, plain or peaceful 

Shall ever stir my soul. 

But motley colored 


Blazing forth from a dull background. 

Or leaping flames 

Bursting from their hiding — 

Yes, even patchwork quilts 

Or wild, red-trimmed curtains! 

Seeing them, 

I shall remember! 

Illini Xitnihi'r 



LEAF of Bright Tobacco or of Kentucky 
Burlev Tobacco has in it about 27*0 in weight of stem. 

The stem is woody. It does not contain the same in- 
gredients as the tobacco. It does not burn like tobacco. 

There would be necessarily a sort of rankness or 
bitterness about the smoke from the stem. This 27% 
in weight of stem, therefore, is removed before the 
leaf tobacco is used in Chesterfields. 

Evervthing is done that can be done to make Chest- 
erfield milder and taste better. 

r 1^--. 


© 1933, Liggett & Myers Tobacco Co. 






Twin City Notes 

WANTED— Chi O, size 40 to 
claim the "pretties" which Ra\ 
Kubec. S. A. K.. ami his room-mate 
have. Only the fifteen Chi O's who 
are cliiiible nieil apply. No questions 

The Hring-your-own Bridge club 
will gather at the home of Marma- 
duke Challingston Wednesday nite 
for a little bridging. Gingerale and 
crackers with cheese will be bought 
and paid for b\ the guests at the 
^orner delicatessen store. 

Damma Fly Raita defeated Alpha 
Cry Omega, 90-50 yesterdav' after- 
noon in the W. Hey Hey intramural 
wulleyball "turnamunt." The grace- 
ful, airy arabesques of the Alpha Cry 
ballet corpse were as naught against 
the massive onslaught of the Damma 

WANTED— Phonograph, to pla> 

the record of Sherm Anderson's 
(Alpha Sig gift to the ladies) loveh 
lyric tenor. Sherwood woidd give 
away the record — but all his friends 
are so sorrv, the) don't own phono- 
graphs ! 

The Square Sewing Circle will 
give a sewing at the home of Iva 
Ripp, 1748 West South street, Ur- 
bana, Saturday evening. A covered- 
dish, luncheon will be given Tuesday 
at the home of their new member. 

Fly's. The victors' w. k. wrestling 
holds were a decided advantage. 

PieFie outplayed Thayt Whoops- 
along in a — oh well, what else did 
\ou cxjiect ? 


The Light-The-Lamp reading cir- 
cle will give a reading free Tuesday 
evening on the Court steps in 
Urbana, at eight o'clock. 

The Merry Wives of Athletes will 
give a demonstration of wrestling as 
practiced in the Pop house, in the 
Alpha Phi house, on Monday night 
at seven o'clock. 

WANTED — Kappa pledges, must 
not lose their tempers and tell the 
actives to go to, after walk-out 
(When this ad was sent in the\ 
asked for eleven, but some of the 
pledges reconsidered and now they 
only need four. 

served by the S. .A. I. sorority Fri- 
day nite at their chapter house. A 
delightful note of originality will be 
introduced since they are concealing 
their address in order to make the 
affair a good deal like a treasure 

"Yes, and after seeing her in a bathing suit I know he must 
have married her for her money" 

Illini N limber 


Bull-etin Board 

riu- Kappas lu'R'b) give notice 

rliat they neeil house hills like he 

and that most any imiepeTulent 
woman woiilil he weleomeil. 

There will be a meeting of all who 
flunked in sonic course or other in 
the past semester, in the upper par- 
lors of the Woman's building. Good 
weepers are cordially invited. 

Candidates for tlie Women's rille 
team will still be accepted ; report at 
the Health Service Station. Experi- 
ence is luinecessary, and beside the 


Fraternity reports in regard to all 
who are not taking their Saturday 
niglit baths are to be handed in to 
Dr. Beard at the Health service by 
four o'clock this afternoon. 

All freshmen who are desirous of 
work should apph in person at the 
Chi Omega house by Friday noon. 
Dates are scarce and their remuner- 
ation is in keeping witli their show- 

Fwhy Rappa Whoopsilon will hold 
a luncheon at noon (of all times) for 
a surve\' of the potential sucker list. 
Reservation will be made for mem- 
bers unless they get out of it by to- 

The Life Saving Club will meet 
at the usual time tonight in the pool- 
room. Woman's building. All local 
loafers and habitual bliiui-daters 
shoidd be on hand, as there is plenty 
of life saving to be done at the 'Fry- 
delt buiiiralow. 

There will be a sale of brass 
knuckles ami boxing gloves Frida\ 
afternoon at the Ciii O. house for all 
women students having dates with 
Delta L s an\ time in the future. 

Adel///( Literar\- Society will hold 
the second of a series of tryouts tor 
membersiiip at ():(ll) tonight in Adel- 
liu Hall. .Anyone interested in 
translations of I'lu Lnvi Bonks nj 
Ovid. J flu'^iiitf, etc., is invited to 
come. ()nl\ tile first live hundred 
will be admitted. 

The Social Problems Club will 
hold a meeting tonight in the last 
two booths of J. C.'s, to discuss the 
problem, "What to do about the 
Heer-sodden Tropics of Champoon." 
Tiopics of the Day by President Fox, 
a moron to the core. 

First practice for the Pistol Team 
will be held from 2 to 3 Monday. 
First lesson will be on Shotgun Wed- 
dings and Harris (5/ varieties) 
L ndum will be used as target. 

Important meeting of Field and 
Furrow club this evening at the 
Delta Gamma house to decide what 
to do about that certain Zoology 
professor that goes bug-hunting with 
a flashlight around Crystal Lake on 
moonlit nights, thereby causing some 
of the students tn die of embarrass- 

A new course has been added to 
the L niversity curriculum, namely. 
Plain and Fancy Flunking taught b\ 
Professor Siebold. The class will be 
held Monda\', Tuesday, Wednesday, 
Tliursda\', Frida\ , and Saturday 
from S to 4. 

1 he Life Savuig club will meet 
at The Rustic Inn from 12:00 to 
1 :00 Saturday night to try out their 
methods on .some of their soaked-in- 
beer companions. In this way tlie\ 
hope to decrease the members dying 
of White Man's Disea,se — or acute 

The I'rbana W. C. T. V. will 
celebrate the I.^rh aniii\ersary of the 
ISth amendment tomorrow afternoon 
in the home of .Mrs. Sluggin. After 
the news of the winning of the last 
war is announced, tomato cocktails 
will be served with drv ice. 


WHEN you smoke a foul, reek- 
ing pipe, you may think you're 
getting away with it with your nost- 
ess. But you can't fool a bird. 

For your own sake as well as others, 
start today smoking a gooil tobacco 
in a well-groomed pipe. Sir Waiter 
Raleigh's mild mixture of Kentucky 
Burlevs is an excellent tobacco. It's lo 
mild that it aKv.ivs pleases the most 
haughty hostess. And it s so rich, fra- 
grant and tuU-bodied that it will give 
you infinite satisfaction. Your tobacco 
store has it — kept fresh in gold toil. 

Btovvn & Willi.inison Tob.-icco Corporation 
Louisville, Kentucky, Dept. W — i\ 

Send for this 



■ cyhw io 

HOltr PtPE 

It's i«;^-A> 




Kaptain Klean Says — 

How many will read this add? I wonder 

Cut this out and mail to Kaptain Klean or brin^ it to the LAUNDRY 

DEPOT located at 80S South Sixth right at the corner of Sixth and 
Daniel and I'll surprise you. 

"Vours truly, 






( (jOntiiiiiid jioin Piujc I ) 
there. To(ia\ , Hob is the only sur- 
vi\or of that qLiintet. Don't misun- 
ilei>tan(l us; he doesn't go tlicre 

Bob is \irginlike in his habits; he 
doesn't swear, smoke, go out witli 
the women, he studies, doesn't pla- 
giarize, and likes to have serious 
talks. But he will sing! He is all 
right, however. 

There you have the senior staff of 
tliat illustrious and incomparable 
paper. They'll defend it as arduou.''- 
ly as Rill Karnes will defend his 
annual magazine. But if ever tiiere 
was inefHciency on any staff, if ever 
there was any throat cutting, if ever 
there was a lack of production and 
labor, if ever there was shoddy work 
done, that staff has done it. But as 
we have already stated, the\'re all 


Miss Stevens Dorman and Wil- 
liam Seaclift' were admitted to the 
Burnham Cit\ hospital psychopatiiic 
ward yesterda\'. Miss Dorman ami 
Mr. Seaclift were quite prominent on 
the campus. 

Mrs. Frances Lowenstein and 
Mrs. Martha Hadley and bab\ were 
discharged yesterday. Let Mrs. Had- 
ley have her own baby ! 

A son was born to Mr. and Mrs. 
U. Know Who at the U Know 
Where hospital yesterday. Optimism 
is eternal . . . 

Many people will be surprised to 
learn that the Senior Informal was 
held as planned the night after the 
Junior Prom. The J/liiii. it is as- 
sumed, did not care to mention it. 
Main' belic\e that it was not woitli 
mentioning. But it was li;'M never- 

It has often been maintained h\ the 
instructors of journalism tiiat the 
Siren's worthy contemporar\ is little 
less than a publicity sheet for the 
Universit\, running advance stories 
for weeks. But tlie follow story did 
not follow in this case. 

"Like Ko-ko says to the Mikado, 
'If your Majesty tells oft a man to 
killed, he is the same as killed, and 
it he is the same as killed why not 
say so?' So if the Il/iiii says that an 
event will take place, it will take 
place, so win write about it.''" was 
the reply elicited froni Otto (Effing- 
ham) Willett, when he was Bad- 
gered one morning. 


( Cdiiliniiid from Fnt/e ."> ) 
Herr was working on his master's 
degree and that he had dropped out 
of school. His age is problematical, 
but inquiries show that he woulil 
ha\'e to ha\'e been a child prodigy to 
have done all these things. Inasmuch 
as his story of living in Kentuck\ has 
b:'en disproven, inasmuch as he isn't 
working on his doctor's degree, inas- 
much as he is from Bloomington, in- 
asmuch as he has twehe pairs of 
pajamas that he said girls had given 
him, inasmuch as, well, just inasmuch 
as all of the above and for the same 
reasons, we would nominate Herr 
Herr for at least a little bit of a title, 
even if it was something not quite as 
grand as "Prince Michael Roman- 
off." Personally, we would nominate 
him, unquestionably, for the second 
place medal and also to the title ot 
"Prince Ananias." 

/Hint N umber 


Volume XXXIII Ii.i.ini NuMnnR FnnRUARV, 1933 No. 5 

CARI, J. DIKSER Edilur-in-Cliirj 

WILLIAM A. ZOELLER Ilusiniss Maiiaf/er 

EnnoKiAi, Staff 

DoiKiliI F. Mulviliill hsuciate Editor 

R. n. I.;i Fcinii hsislaiif Editor 

Wilfred J. Brogden Ofjia- Munaijir 

James Oavis David Eldrcd 

Sid[ie> Schnitzer 

Nita Ramey It' Oman's Editor 

Miriam Van Buskiik Exilian/jc Editor 

Betty Jane Kendall Shirley Day 

Lillian Stanford U'innie Ha^lan^ 

L.MHi Pierce /;/ Editor 

ane Fainit/ Issoriuir Irl Editor 

n. M. Meskimcn hsislaiit Art t^ditor 

H. Samuel Kruse IVd Parmelee 

I'.vchn I.antz I'lorentia Metzger 

Betty Rdss Julie Mrllale 

Business Sr \i i 

I'liuald 1 Mulkiier Idvirtisiiii/ Muiuu/ir 

11. II. Ottcn Issisliiiit Idl'irtisinr/ Maiuu/rr 

\\ in. I'altou CArailutioii Miuiiuiir 

Murrav Shrader ('<>l>y Manayrr 

Elaine CJeidell Of fin- Manaijir 

W'illiur J. Ihompiin Collrclinn Maiiuijir 


Betty C;i)liy, Doris Frazin, Seyniour llershman, 

Lillian Saltzman, Adele I'ulil 

Published monthly by the lllini PubliNhing Company, University of Illi- 
nois, during the college year. Entered as second-class matter at the 
Post-t)ffice at Urbana, Illinois, by act of Congress, March 3, 1879. 
C)ffice of iiublication. lllini Publishing Company. Subscription price 
$1.00 the year. .\dilress all communications, Illinois Union Building, 
Chanii)alyn. lllinnis. ("n]iyright, 19,12, Ity The Siren. Exclusive reprint 
right granted to (JilgeHumOr magazine. 



The Cinemagraph 


"State Fair," which has pio\c(l itself a major attrac- 
tion, starts on Sunday, March 12, featuring Janet Gaynor, 
Will Rogers, Lew Ayres, Sally Eilers, and other stars. 
You'll sympathize with the children of the famih' when 
they have their first taste of life, and \ou'll howl when 
Will finds out that the one thing that his prize hog needed 
to win was a lady friend ! This picture has a rare mix- 
ture of heart-appeal and true comedy. 

Beginning March 17, for a two-day run, conies "15road- 

Sall.v Kilcrs, Will Kosers, l,ew .\yrps and .laiift (■a.iiioi' 
ill a scent' Iriini ".State Fair" 

way Hail," with a couple of your old favorites — Joan Hlon- 
dell and Ricardo Cortez — taking the leads. t)n Sunday, 
the 1 0th, Heeln Hayes appears in her latest film, "The 
White Sister," with Clark (jahle. Miss Hayes goes far 
toward re-winning the highest acting honors, as she did last 
year, in this picture. 

Irene Dunne gi\es another of her famous characteriza- 
tions in "Madame Blanche," coming to the Virginia on the 
24rd-25th. She is cast as an American chorus girl who 
marries a titled Englishman only to find tragedy at the end 
of her love affair. A series of engrcssing dramatic circum- 
stances befall the girl before she is finalh united with the 
.son born of this marriage. 

From the 26th-29th "Our Betters" appears at the 
Virginia, starring Constance Bennett, while from the 3Uth 
through the first John Barrymore appears in "Topaze," 

pl;i\uig ;ui entirely new kuul ot role — and makmg .'i wallop- 
ing success of it. 


From .March 14-lfi, Wallace Beery appears in "Plesh," 
having a powerful role, comedy and pathos giving him 
plenteous opportunity to display his versatile talents in this 
story of the wrestling ring. 

(leorge O'Brien appears in Zane Cirey's "Smoke Light- 
ning" on the 17th-18th, supported by Sally 0'Da\. On the 
19th-2()th, Ed Wynn, the perfect fool, appears in "Follow 
the Leader." 

"Lucky Devils" shows in this theater from the 20th- 
22nd, starring Bill Boyd in a story of Hollywood's stunt 
men who risk their lives daily to provide the movie audience 
with thrills. This is followed by "Whistling in the Dark" 
on the 2.^rd-24th, which stars Una Merkel, Ernest True.x, 
John ALljan ami Johnny Hincs. This is the story of a 
nnstery novel author who attempts to devise a perfect crime. 

On the 26th-27, Evehn Brent and James Murray ap- 
liear m "Air Hostess," a romantic drama pla\ed against the 
background of commercial a\iatioii. This is followed on the 
2Sth by the Katherine Cornell stage-hit, "The Outsider." 


The month of ALirch brings an exceptionally fine bill 
of second-runs to this theatre. On March 2-3, "Life 
Begins," featuring Loretta Young; 4, "Hello Trouble," 
with Kay Francis; 5, "If I Had a .Million." with (leorge 
Raft, (jary Cooper, Miriam Hopkins; 6-7, "Almost 
Married, " Ralph Bellamy; 8, Elissa Landi in "Passport lo 
Hell"; 0-10, Joe E. Brown, in "You Said a Mouthful"; 
11, ".M\ster\ Ranch," with (leorge C^Brien; 12, "Con- 
gorilla," the famous jungle picture. 

Warren William stars in "The Match King," on the 
15th; 16-17, Stuart Erwiii. in "He Learned .About 
Women"; 10, "The Aninial Kingdom," starring Leslie 
Howard and Ann Harding; 20-21, John Barrymore in 
"Bill of Divorcement"; 22, "E\eiiings for Sale," with Zasu 
Pitts and Charles Butterw orth ; 23-24, "Farewell to Arms," 
starring Helen Hayes and Gary Cooper; 25, "Haunted 
Gold, " a western; 26, Wheeler and Woolsey in "Hold Em 
Jail" ; 27-28, "The Phantom of Crestwood '" with Ricardo 
Cortez; 20, "Under Cover Man,"" with George Raft; 30- 
31. "Silver Dollar,"' with Edward G. Robinson. 

1 he Park starts April with Tom Keene in "Come on 
Danger"" on the first, and Lee Trac\ and Lupe Velez in 
"The Half-Naked Truth" on the second. You don't need 
to be told which of the pictures plaving during the month 
of March shouldnt be mi.ssed. Look "em o\er. There are 
about an even dozen and 4-star pictures in the crowd. 

llliiii .Xnmhir 



What is said to be Cecil B. DeMille's greatest produc- 
tion — "The Sign ot the Cross" — begins showing at the 
Rialto on Sunday, March 12. With a cast of 7500, headed 
by Fredric March, Elissa Landi, Claudette Colbert, and 
Charles Laughton. this promises to be one of the most spec- 
tacular shows of the season, combining, as it doe.s, religion, 
history, and the orgiastic drama of Nero's regime. 

Fredric Marrli and Claudette Colbert as tliej appear 
in "Sisn nf the Cross" 

The entire plot, of course, hinges about the persecution 
of the Christians at this time. The scenes in the Circus 
Maximus are guaranteed to thrill you, and the "novel and 
diverting ways" which Nero contrived to do away with 
the Christians are not only horrifying, but true. You will 
mar\el at the battle between the Amazonian women and 
the dwarses. the Empress bathing in milk, and numerous 
other awe-inspiring features. There is no doubt left in 
ones mind as to the expression "Roman Holiday." after 
seeing this picture. 

Another smash that's coming to the Rialto in the near 
future is "Parachute Jumper. " with Douglas Fairbands, Jr. 
in the lead role. The story opens in the jungles of Nica- 
rague where two dare-devil pilots of the L . S. Marine 
Corps capture a whole band of bandits after having been 
shot down while cruising in the air. It follows their ad- 
venturous career to New York City, where. aJter nearly 
starving to death, they are innocently entangled in a scheme 
to smuggle contraband b\ air from Canada. 

The job-hunting experiences of the two soldiers of 
fortune in the big city, where they team up with a 
cracking t\pist. who is also broke and out of a job, provide 
many amusing sequences. Doug and his pal pawn prac- 
tically all their possessions, retaining just one suit of 
clothing between them. W^hen one leaves the house to hunt 
a job the other has to go to bed. 

Two Big E\'ents Coming to the 


Startintr Sunda\ , March 5 


"42nd Street" 

w nil 

14 STARS — 200 GIRLS 

Warner Baxter 

Bebe Daniels 

Starting Sunday, March 12 
Cecil B. De Mille's 

"The Sign of the Cross" 



and 7500 others 

He: A nice girl shouldn't hold a young man's hand. 
She: A nice girl has to. — Bison. 

Jim : Tillies got an ul hangover. 
Jam: I know. That's why I'm buying her one of those 
new bandeaux for her birthdav. — The Battalion. 


We can't understand why Bill is so popular when the 
girls all sav he makes them tired. — drinnrl Mn/ttiistr. 


Say prunes. 

Say apples, boob, that kind of kiss has gone out of style. 

— Widou. 

Annabelle says she's going to name her child Para- 
phernalia because it always has to be carried around. 

— Sun Di/i/. 


Collegian: What's wrong with these eggs? Don't ask me, I only laid the table. 

— Raiiinifr Jammer. 



(Coiitiiiiicd fniiii PiK/c Li) 

of strings to wayward pencils to pre- 
vent their everlasting dropping dur- 
ing his class lectures. Secondly, he 
rates this column because of his in- 
genious illustration of the benefits of 
always looking on two sides of a 
thing — he remarked that he never 
fails to turn over the pancakes which 
his wife brings in to him, because al- 
though they look good on top, they 
may be burned underneath. His wife 
is hereby notified of his perfidy. Di- 
vorces have been granted on easier 
grounds than this. Thirdly, we feel 
he should be honored here because he 
is the only one, on his own admission, 
who is never late for his Sociology 

Here's another howl. Poor Dottie 
Smith, who resides at 713 West 
Ohio, is in a most perplexed state of 
mind. She has been receiving mys- 
terious phone calls all month from 
an individual who designates himself 
as Pansy. Dottie has never yet been 
home to get the call, and the notice 
is always left on the bulletin board. 
The puzzling part of it all to her is 
the fact that she doesn't know any 
A. K. L.'s or Betas. 

In Speech class the other day, one 
of our aspiring would-be orators 
began an erstwhile speech with the 
words, "A half century ago — ," and 
paused. He began again, "A half 
century ago — a half century ago — ah 
— 1 can't remember — ." "Well, re- 
marked the instructor, quite piqued 
by this time, "that is rather a long 
time to remember back." 


Stupid Question 

Preacher: "Will you have this 
woman to be your wedded wife?" 

Groom: "What the hell do you 
suppose I came here for?" 

— Purple P/in/it. 

Mandy: Ah uses Pahm Olive 
fob mah school guhl complexion. 

Candace : What do you mean 
.school guhl complex? 

Mandy: Ah means mah night 
school complexion. 

The Poetress Falls In Love 

To Bill oil Wednesday Night^ 
But certainly, dear, 1 love you, Bill, 
And down in ni\' heart 1 know that 
I most certainly always wdl ! 

To Tom on Thursday 

But certainly, dear; don't be a sill ! 

Cause, darling, you know that 

I love you, Tom, and always will ! 

To Dick on Friday — 

Why, Dick, my love for yoii's never 

It romps and plays \\ithin my heart 
Like breezes — I love you and always 


And to Harry on Saturday — 
Harry, ma cherie, nothing on earth 

could kill 
My love for you; why do you ask? 
I love you now — and always will ! 

So they all got together and sang: 

(Kindly check choice) 

"Get Out Your Old (nay l?ustle— " 

"Sweet Adeline — " 

"Nobod\' Knows — " 

"That's a Plenty—" 

A fraternity man's idea of a co-ed : 

Polo coat and cocky hat, this year 
hiding the right eye. 

A long bob, sort of permanented 
on the ends. 

Bright red Louis PhiUipe lipstick 
— which tastes godawful. 

Good-looking legs encased in sheer 
silk stockings which are always com- 
ing down now that the dear old 
garter belt is old-fashioned again. 

A fanny which when she dances is 
exactly the obverse of the Grecian 

A huge furnace into which one 
shovels cigarettes. 

A line consisting solely of, "No, 
I'm sorry I can't see you imtil seven 
and eight on the third Thursday of 
next month." 


"We used to have to pay our little 
brat, Jimmie, to take his milk. Now 
we beat hell out of him with a base- 
ball bat, and he likes it fine." 

— Panther. 

Sorority Blues 

Sing a song of pledge fees, 
A pocket full of dues — 
Sing a song of house-notes. 
And actives borrowing shoes — 

Sing a song, both high and low, 
Most any old forgotten kind — 
You can say what you will 
The perfect pledge's deaf, dumb, 
and blind ! 

Free Verse — Dirge 

Women, women, and all of her 

kind — 
From Adam on down we've talked 

about em 
And all agreed you you couldn't 

live or leave 
Kither with or without 'em. 

As the train iiulled into the depot 
;i tra\eling man stuck his head out 
of the window, and, calling to a boy 
standing near, cried: "Here, kid, get 
me a sandwich, and take this other 
dime and get one for yourself." 

Just as the train was about to 
leave, the boy returned, a half-eaten 
sandwich in one hand. He tossed a 
dime to the man and shouted : 
"Here's your dime, they only had 


On the invitations to the Delt 
house party last year — "The party 
will be gin at 10 o'clock." 

P. H. Brown: "You can't sleep 
in my class!" 

Tom Smith: "If >'ou would talk 
a bit lower I could." 

When a Kappa marries for looks, 
it's because he looks like a million 


Keeping In Trend With 
The Times 

Keepini" Up the Quality and Service, 
Reducing the prices 

Altcays assuring the best; no stihstilutions 



"Cnsiiletio Headquarters" 

Be Sure and Try the ANNEX 

Managed 1>) Kamerer Bros. 

Plenty of booths, the same good food, home 
looking and elean 



The Annex 
(JOC East Daniel 
('haiiipaign I'rbana 

sixth and Daniel Lincoln and Nevada 


Hundreds of good books — 
books you have often wanted 
— are now available in at- 
attractive bindings at One 

Drop in and Browse Around 

I I I FTHE STU DE NTS' supply STORES I ■ i^ 

1 llj^^Y¥iu»i-s«.r^b^^i^^v/l 

(ilO Daniel 

iin Mathews 







Delco Batteries, United Motor and 
Trico W indshield Wiper Service 

Clements Battery and 
Electric Service 

307 South Neil Street 

Phone 3883 







Ph ot*0''Eiioa^iXX>in OS 
Colo npJ^I'O J~» 

^nrtct TtfOhr-vicQ 




Po-lease, a Camel! 

K^EN you make a play for her favors, a woman has three words for it. Instead 
of merely calling you fresh, she says "po-lease, a Camel," instead. That's because 
Camels are the quintessence of freshness. Never parched or toasted, these fine 
cigarettes are made fresh and then kept fresh in the Camel Humidor Pack. Light 
up a Camel and let their choice Turkish and mild sun-ripened Domestic tobacco 
goodness prompt you to say, Fd walk a mile for a CAMEL! 

Xever parehvd or toasted 


© 1933. R. J. Reynolds Tobacco Company 















This is no joke 

But have some fun at our expense 

a few minutes time is your only expense .... 


. . . offer extended to all University Men 


Your only requirement is to give a worth-while suggestion about 
our $9,000 display window. If interested . . . come into our store 
or mail us a post card with your name and address and all details 
will be given. Do not delay. This offer good for month of April 
1933 only. 


Two First Prizes: 

1. One Stetson $5.00 Spring Hat. 

2. One pair Friendly F'ive $5.00 Shoes. 

Two Second Prizes: 

Each — two Arrow Trump Shirts. 

Two Third Prizes: 

1. One Kuhn Special $3.95 Hat. 

2. One Kuhn-Paragon $2.95 Hat. 

Two Fourth Prizes: 

Each — two nifty 95c Spring Ties. 

THE JUDGES: Three members of the Siren Staff. 


"The Store for Illinois Men" 



Hoiiscparty Number 

Our Idea of An Ideal Party 

Is that it would have an AXP to take care of the 
"lounsie." an .Alpha Chi Sigma to supply the A, an Alpha 
Delt to tfli the jokes, an APX to put up signs, an ATO to 
kick out whenever you felt like it. a Beta to dust the li- 
brary, a Chi Phi to keep the lights turned low, a C'hi Sigh 
to say grace, a DAE for an ashtray, a Delta Ciii to hold up 
the trophies, a Delt as wine-taster, a Dl to pro\iiie fresh 
puns hourl\. a KappaSidge to smooth out an> tiitficulties, a 
Fiddlkedefee to clean out the basement, a Phidelt to exer- 
cise the cats, a Phigam to bounce undesirables, a Phisigh to 
lead the singing, a Phikappasig to tell ghost stories, a Phi- 
tau to ride bicycles and frighten away babies, a Phisig to 
sharpen .scissors on, a PiKA to keep the shades pulled down, 
a Sigalph to wind up the \ ictrola, a SigX and Deke to blot 
and mop up things with, a Sigpie to give the gels a thrill, 
a Teke to make the place look crowded, ami a Theta Delt 
to add "tone. 

Hetty Haynie raising hand on Tennyson exam — 
'Ml. Maxwell, what is the Malinogion ?" 
.Mr. Maxwell — "That's a Welsh version of the Idyl 
Hettv — "Oh ves! C^ne of the Welsh Virgins." 


A young bride walked into a drug store and approached 
a clerk timidly. 

"That baby tonic you advertise." she began, "does it 
really make babies bigger and stronger?" 

"We sell lots of it." replied the druggist, "and we've 
never had a complaint." 

"Well. I'll take a bottle," said the bride after a moment, 
paid for it and went out. 

Five minutes later she was back. She got the druggist 
into a corner and whispered into his ear: 

"I forgot to ask about this baby tonic," ^he said uiuler 
her breath. "\Vho takes it — me or my liii>band .■' " 

— Bison. 


Ross: "Late again !" 

Clerk: "Well, m\ wife presented me with a baby last 

Boss: "She would ha\e done a lot better with an alanr. 

Clerk: "Come to think of it. that would ha\e been 
quite an achievement. " — Lxihaiitjf. 

Sonny: "Motlicr, l'iiiip:i woiihln't murder ;in\"ho(l\, 
would he?" 

Mommer: "W'iiy, certainh' not. child. What makes \(iu 
think that?" 

Sonny: "Well, I just heard him down in tiie cellar say- 
ing, 'let's kill the other two, George'." 

— Ptiinsy/vtiniti Fiiiuh JUjuI. 

Avoid Monotony! 

in your Clothes 

\<)u men who want to sidestep the 
monotony of ordinar> suitings with 
only pretentious claims of "Big Sav- 
ing" and "Just as Good" can find 
clothinij of unusual and distinctive de- 
signs in this store. 

Me feat II re 

hnppen/ieinier, liraehiirn, und other 

nationally famous Stylists at 


Others $20 to $45 


- (IN( (»KP(tK.\rKI)) 

Illinois Campus 





Should he retiienihered in 
Greeting Cards 


You will find the Right 
Cjreetings at 


at Campus — 709 South Wright 




Hoiiscpurty N HVihcr 


CARL J. DrESER Ed'Uor-in-Chiej 

WILLIAM A. ZOELLER. Business Manager 

Ediioriai. Staff 

Donald F. Mulvihill Issoiialr Editor 

R. D. La Fond hsislani Editor 

Wilfred J. Brogden Office Manaijrr 

James Davis David Eldred 

Sidney Schnitzer 

Xita Ramey If 'o man's Editor 

Miriam Van Buskirk Excliange Editor 

Betty Jane Kendall Shirley Day 

Lillian Stanford Biirkc Winnie Haslam 

Lynn Pierce Art Editor 

Jane Faiintz Issociale Art Editor 

D. M. Meskimen IssistanI Art Editor 

H. Samuel Kruse Ted Parmelee 

Evelyn Lantz Florentia Metzger 

Betty Ross Julie MiHale 

Business Siaff 

Donald Faulkner Idvcrtisini/ Miuiai/ir 

11. H. Otten Issistant Advertising Manager 

\\'illiur J. I'hompson ('irt ulalwri and ('oltretioff Manager 

Murrav Shrader Copy Manager 

Elaine Cleidell Office Manager 


Betty CJoliy, Dori^^ Frazin, Se\mour llershman, 

Lillian Saltzman, .\delc Pohl, F.d McDavid 

Pultlisheil seven times i year in <)ctol)er. Novenilier. December. Felnii- 
.^ry, .March, .\pril, May by the Illini Publishing Company, I'niversity 
of Illinois. Entered as second-class matter at the Post-t.XTicc at L'rijana. 
Illinois, by act of Congress, March ,t, 1S79. OtTicc of publication, Illini 
Publishing Company. Subscription price $1.00 the year. Address all 
communications. Illinois Union Building, Champaign, Illinois. 



A 16- Act Play in 5 Acts 

Cast-off Characters: 

C.HjOH (A to you, you sap) 

CH,OH (wood alcohol) 

House Mother 

25 Snoppas S Fidilk-ts 

13 Betas 4 Sanmiics 

And a pinch of that and this 

Time : Marches on ( unpaid adv. ) 

Scene: The Snoppa Doppa Hoppa House, which is the 
home of the sweet Snoppa Doppa Hoppas. A house party 
is in progress and the welkin is ringing with a wengeancc. 
\y\vAt we mean. As the hell (not the welkin sounds, we 
find a Sno|ipa and a I5cta in a clinch on the main sofa 


Beta: Willya or wontcha? 

Snoppa: Take \our hands ofta me, you \arlct! (See, 
we worked it in prett\- m'ceh-, didn't we? . . . The radio 
has been left turned on and we now hear it). 

Radio: . . . Antiseptic will relieve sore throats, hali- 
tosis, schi/ophicm'a, rickets, and poor vision. Tr\ a bottle 
today. It only — 

Beta (shutting off radio): Hell! 1 thought they had 
something there. 

(Enter a Sammie). 

Samniic: Where's my tie? 

(Pinter a Fiddlet). 

Fiddlet: The woild ish going to hell! Wheredja get 
that damned shtuff anywav ? (Totters over and lies face 
down on floor, singing "Oskey-wow-wow, Illinois"). 

Beta: Where's that stuff he was talking about? (Aban- 
dons Snoppa and rushes off to look for our first two charac- 
ters. The Sammie picks his tie up from where the Beta has 
been sitting on it, puts it on, and clinches with the Snoppa. 



"Take Your Hands Off a Me, 
Yon Varlet!" 


(Scene: One floor up. Approximately the same situa- 
tion with which we started our first act, only this time it's 
a Sammie instead of a Beta, and it isn't a sofa). 

Sammie: Willya or won'tcha? 

Snoppa: Take your hands offa me, you varlet! 

(The Sammie is awarded a time advantage by the 
House Mother, who has been peeking through the keyhole, 
as the curtain falls). 


(Scene: A corner of the main living room. A couple of 
Betas are having a contest with a pair of Sammies to see 
who can tell the dirtiest jokes. The House Mother, as 
usual, is referee). 

A Beta: ... So he propped toothpicks up against the 
door and went away. The next morning, when he came 
back, they were still up — that is. the toothpicks were. So 
he knocked on the door and . . . 

( For the benefit of our younger readers the remainder 
of this act has been omitted). 


Scene: The House Mother has been put to bed already. 
The party now gets down to serious business. A Fiddlet and 
a Snoppa decide to go for a stroll ( ?) outside. The night is 
black. There is no moon or stars). 

Shnoppa — (hie) — Snoppa: Wher' we goin'? 

Fiddlet: Oh, who caresh? Slia\, honey, ain't the nmon 

Sh-Snoppa: I'll shay! (hie) 

(At thish point a Sammy rushes out ot the houshe anil 
chashcs the couple). 

Shamm\': Shay \ou, whasha idy of swipui' my hotch — 
(choose)? Huh? C'mon, shtand up'n' take it! 

(The Shammy and the Fiddlet swing at each other 
(hie), but, mish, and both fall into the gutter. The Shnop- 
pa turns back to the' houshe and triesh to get back in via 
the fire escape (hie). She tiptoes up and in and ascends to 
her room. As she approaches the door, she hearsh voishes 
within ). 

Male voice: Willya or wontcha? 

Female voice: Take your hands offa me, you varlet! 

Shnoppa enters and finds a shister and a Beta in a 
rather compromising position). 

First Shnoppa (hie): Dammit, no privashy ! 

(Left out on accounten the depression getting worser). 
( Curtain ) 

Hoiisi'f)(irty N itmhcr 

"Gad! What Check!" 




I looked at her with siiiohlen'iig eyes. Wliat a crock ! 
I had been promised that this was to be strictly a private 
part\ in honor of Nelson's promotion to the advertising 
manager's berth of the Halifax Molded Fiber company, 
and now the unwelcome fifth sat over there across the 
deck, her hands primh folded in her lap conversing about, 
oh, blazes! I didn't know and cared less. 

She prattled on. About twenty-four, I'd say, and just 
ovit of a convent? If only Nelson's aunt wouldn't foist her 
darling daughter onto everyone to show her a good time! 
Black dress, very black hair, and a lace collar! 

1 could see Nelson twisting luieasily in his chair. He 
looked like he wanted a drink. I made a sudden resoluti(jn 
to go below and see what there was on ice, but as quickl\ 
stiHed it and remarked, "\'es, I don't think Arliss should 
ever have entered the movies." 

Why didn't the girls show up? Two-thirty! I glanced 
up the dock. Nobody was in sight. I wondered if this .sweet 
thing would be offended if I should smoke. After all, she 
was a on the yacht as nuich as I was, and being Nel- 
son's coLisin — well, one didn't offend the daughter of a 
pal's rich aunt. 

Marge and Peg made a truly gorgeous picture as they 
bounced out of the cab. Ha, relief for the suffering Ro- 
hemians ! 

"Hello, Swede, hello everybody, here we are, all ready 
to go!" Peg laughed as she to.ssed the packages aboard. 

We helped the girls down. I heard Nelson's sigh of re- 
lief. "Marge, may I present my cousin. Miss Hender.son 
(Esther to you), Miss Stevens, and Miss Kingston, Miss 
Henderson." Thank goodness, that was over. 

"What's the gag? How come she's stowed aboard?" 
Peg hissed in my ear as she started down the comparuon- 

Words left me; my thumb made a decisive gesture 
downwards. I to.s.sed off the bow line, and then, as Swede 
started the engine, I slipped off the stern line and jumped 
on board. 

The ilay was fair and warm. The lake, my beloved 
lake, was blue and calm, and beyond the end of Navy pier 
the breakwater .seemed to point our way to Michigan City 
and the Kingston cottage in the dunes. What a setting for 
this crowd ! But the odd dame — she would spoil the whole 

"We ought to make it by seven," Swede remarked. 

The Yolandd cleared the breakwater, and once in op?n 
water seemed to take a deep breath and settle down for a 
pleasant afternoon's run. There was more motion out here. 
1 wondered if the convent's pri<le would get seasick. (Glanc- 

ing at her I noticed that she stood slightly behind Swede, 
intent upon the o|ieration of the boat. She was silent. That 
was a relief. 

She nu'ght have possibilities, I thought, if only she 
didn't wear her hair in a knot, and wasn't so darn stiff 
ami prim. Swede hadn't seen much of her since she was a 
kid. She was one of these stay-at-home, be-a-good-child-for- 
mother kind. And Aiuit Winifred had brought her over, 
certain that she was to be in good company. She needed a 
little sunshine, some golfing, swimming and dancing in the 
right atmosphere. But wh\ should we be the doctors? There 
always had to be a wet blanket in the crowd! 

"Well, when do the fiieworks go off?" Marge asked. 

I turned. Peg aiul Marge had changed to sport clothes, 
in the dress designer's latest interpretation of what the 
sailorette should wear. 

"Yeah, what's on the bill of fare this afternoon, I 
mean?" Peg added, eyeing Esther. "Shall we play bridge?" 

"Oh, I'd be delighted." Esther smiled and went below 
to <lig up a card table. 

"Why dill she come along?" Alarge demanded of 
Swede. "You told me there was going to be just the four 
of us. I'll bet she doesn't know a spade from a royal 


"Could I help it if the pater's sister drags the kid o\er?" 
Sweile answered in his own defense. "Say, I'se got an idea; 
it doesn't take any brains to — " 

Esther brought up the little folding table. "Here are 
the cards. " Peg's smile was saccharine. 

"Cousin mine, hie thyself hither," Swede said, tinning 
around to Esther. "Didn't \ou say you wanted to learn 
to run this barge of mme ? " 

She beamed, delighteil with the honor. "Oh, I'd love 

Swede grinned to himself. "It's simple. .All you have to 
do is steer it, like an aLito. You know how to drive a car? " 
She nodded. "Now this little jigger here is a That 
points north all the time so you know where >()u're going. 
But we aren't going to Canada today, so we don't steer 
north. See?" She saw. It was all very simple. 

"Now the idea is to keep ESE imder the little black 
line. You tr\' to swing the line, not the compass, because 
that always points one way and the line is the boat. Well, 
that's navigation lesson number one. You get an 'A. " She 
seemed to unilerstand. 

"Don't hit any streetcars," Nelson added as he picked 
up the fourth hand. "And if you see any pedestrians, call 
me. I'm a deputy and we'll pinch them for jaywalking. " 

1 thought that was a little too ob\ious wa\ of settling 

HoifSi'f)(irty Nifwhi'r 

things, but tilt pilot didn't seem to niiiul. It was quite 
hard to keep the line over ESE. She had swung the dis- 
gusted Yo/taulii in wide arcs over the map before she eaught 
on to the trick. It took all her attention. 

"Three hearts." Peg opened, and when that hand \\ a^ 
done we had set her. A couple of rounds were finisheil by 
the time we lost sight ot tile Chicago sky-line, and, during 
the deal, Swede and I excused ourselves and went below. 

"(lenuijie Hourbon," he announced pr()u<il\, "right oft 
the boat." 1 looked into the icebox. It migllt have been a 
good paity! I set out fi\e glasses. 


'Things stopped right there." 

"We'll save that Canadian immigrant for the return 
trip," he said. He opened ;' bottle of ginger ale, and poured 
out one full glass. 1 understood. \Ve mixed the others. 
"That one's for the shroud, and, for crying out loud, tlon't 
get them mixed up; .Aunt Winnie would throttle me." 
Suede winked at me. 1 w niked back. "I'll dig up the saiuU 
wiches Marge brought. There's no need to trnuiiie tile 

Tiiere was not eiiougii motion to the boat to make any- 
i)0(i\ sick, but it was just enougii for me to iia\ e to iiold on 
to the rail with one iiaiid and balance a tray in tiie other. 
I gave the job of climbing the companion-way my com- 
plete attention. 

■( )li, wiiat is it?" Peg asked. "Ginger ale?" 

"Would \ou care for a glass, Miss Esther?" 1 askeil. 

"Yes, but please don't call me '','' she said, looking 
up at me. Gosii, iier eyes were blue. I looked again. They 
were tile bluest eyes I'd e\er seen! 

She set the glass beside tlie binnacle. "Did vou see a 
ghost?" I dropped my ga/e and iinished my job as waiter. 

"Here's to Nelson, the dumb Swede; may his days be 
long and merry, and all his children be street cleaners!" 
Marge was guilty of that one. Our glasses clinked. Esther 
eyed us gravely over lier siioulder, and set her glass down. 

Hy unanimous consent the bridge table was taken down 
and we cleared what little space there was in the deck- 
house for action. Id managed to pick up a good ilance pm- 
grani on the radio and the four in the original parts weie 
pounding the deck. The announcer said that there would 
be an intermission of several minutes. Esther turned to 
Nelson. "Woidd \ou take the wiieel for a few iiimutes?" 
Siie slipped below. 

"He\,"" bellowed the skipper after her, "wiiere are \du 
taking us? Didnt I tell sou to keep tliis headeil East South 
East?" She didii"t answer. 

Well, there was no telling where we were now! Sweile 
frowned, glanced at his watch, and pored o\er the cliart 
for a while, making some calculations on a piece of paper. 

I heard the icebox door I looked at Swede, but 
he hadn't heard. Marge and I were dancing when Esther 
returned. Things stopped right there. She iiad changed into 
a pair of white Hannels, and wore a \ellow sport 
sweater which fitted her doseh. The neck was cut low 
ajid the sleeveless garment revealed a marble-white pair 
of shoulders and arms. She had loosened her hair which 
barely reached her shoulders in a wealth of luxuriant Hew- 
ing ebony. A skillful application of rouge made her cheeks 
bloom like a rose. If she iiad ever been stiff, you'd never 
guess it now. With the soft, supple motion of a jungle 
animal she slunk the deck ; she placed her hand be- 
neath my startled chin ; she snuggled close. She raised those 
blue eyes, looked into mine, and said, in a deep, resonant 
.southern tone which rang in my ears like a fading chord of 
a great organ, "Ah'd like to dance with you." 

I danced automatically, unable to look away from her 
fascinating eyes. The others stood dumfouiuled. W'e danced 
(('.(intiiiiii il rin I'iu/( 21 j 


What? No Flowers! 

We hadn't heard of Bob Maley 
for a long time, when all of a sudden 
he pops up into the limelight again! 
It seems that a certain Alpha Xi 
who had been going steady all year, 
broke up with her boy-friend at the 
strategic moment and accepted a date 
with Bob M. for the Military Ball. 
Our hero, not being so heavy on the 
cash at the time, had just enough 
shekels to pay for the bid to the 
dance. Consequently, his fair lady- 
friend received no corsage. Imagine 
liow red was Bob's face when he 
called for his date and found her 
wearing a corsage that (to put it in 
his own so-apt words) "would choke 
an elephant" ! The story goes that 
the jilted b. f. had sent the floral 
offering as a sad farewell. 

But that isn't all about the notor- 
ious Bob. Said writer has followed 
his trail from last semester's English 
42 class to this semester's Education 
6 class. And what do you think? — 
Yes, I thought you would — but 
that's not it— BUT— this is it— the 
dear little boy comes to his one 
o'clock with powder puff, rouge, et 
al so he'll look pretty-pretty for his 
instructor. Wonder how the Phi 
Taus ever got him before the A. K. 
L.'s or Betas did? 

Nize Alpha Delt 

And at last we have something on 
the Alpha Delts! One of their num- 
ber who pledged last Fall, paid his 
tuition and received the customary 
fee slip — with the warning that he 
take good care of it. The young man 
took them at their word and sent 
the slip home to his mother to take 
care of for him. Imagine his con- 
sternation when he was unable to 
cash checks and obtain his A. A. 
book, just for lack of that certain 

Allah be praised! At last I have 
discovered that heretofore unknown 
thing — a fraternity that does not de- 
sire publicity! What's the matter? — 

too many skeletons in the closet? 
Yessir — the Chi Phis don't want 
publicity — but we think they need 
it, so we are going to give them 
some!! It was Roscoe Cook who ob- 
jected — when I asked if anything 
funny ever happened at his house 
(besides Bob Schutz), he answered 
that they didn't want to be written 
up. So here goes! One of their 
brethern. Ken Cameron, assiduously 
studied Military all thru the month 
of February. In fact, he studied 
nothing else but! As last the breth- 
ern decided they should investigate' 
the matter, for as far as they could 
see, normal individuals spent little 
time pursuing the study of cannons 
and sech. Whereupon, they humbh 
besecched their earnest member to 
give reasons for his endeavors. To 
which questioning, he replied, "W^cll, 
I thought that if I studied my mili- 
tary lessons real hard and knew 
romething about them, I might make 
the chairmanship of the Militar\ 
ball committee." 

Berwyn Bud 

More about the Chi Phis. They 
have the Mayor of Berwyn's son 
among their number. Said son, Bud 
Novotny, continually razzed Vis 
brethern for walking home from 
campus with members of the fairer 
sex. He razzed in particular one 
"Kling" who always escorts Elsie 
Minier home. "Why," said Bud, 
"I'd never walk all that way 
with any woman — I don't care U'ho 
she is — it's too darn far." But you 
can't avoid the Siren spys (adv.). 
Bud was seen waiting around the 
mini offices the other day to walk 
home with Peggy Barker, newly- 
initiated POP. 

As for his sister, Gladys, Phi 
C^mega Pi, and business manager of 
the lUio, — she has reached the last 
semester of her senior year and only 
has two B's to her credit, poor child 
— one of them in C^eography and the 
other in P. E. All the rest are A's! 
(^h, for a brain like that! 

HoHscparty Number 

It is coiiinionly ruinori-ii that x\w 
Theta Delt house is rather worried 
over the annual visit of its national 
secretary. The boys are taking medi- 
cine as a cure for the seven-year-itch 
and hoping that everything is all 
right h\ tlu' time that there is an 

Brother l".d. Schaefler is one of the 
ringleaders in this crusade against 
the seven-year-itch and his case 
seems to be coming along rather 
well, all things considered. Fumiga- 
tion would be a good expedient only 
the fact remains that ostensible 
seven-year-itch is never caused b\ 
anything that could be cured by 

It is a good deal like the time 
that someone put a gallon tin. empty, 
in Tom Kennedy's bed one night and 
Tom thouglit that there was some- 
thing in his bed that was wet, some- 
thing like a cake of ice. Research, of 
course, brought forth the real truth 
of the matter and Tom's disappoint- 
ment o\er the lack of content may 
well be imagined. 

Phi Mu Mugger 

Perhaps you have noticed "Mug- 
ger" Larson, Delta Chi, on crutches 
lately. The poor boy was rather 
banged up — and the story went that 
he had fallen down the steps of his 
own dear Delta Chi house. But / 
know the real story and this is it! 
Said Larson was retiring from the 
Phi Mu house one night in a slight- 
1\' inebriated condition (did I say 
slightly?) — an\way, he was leaving 
said house when he untactfully slip- 
ped on the top step and made a 
three-point landing on the concrete 
walk. The moral is — never believe 
the stories these Delta Chis tell you 
— especially about their accidents! 
The question now in our minds is 
whether such accidents are conta- 
gious; — for just at present, Rud Eis- 
nian has blossomed out on crutches 
also. Does he know any Phi Mus? 
And, incidentally, what does that 
"Mugger"stand for before Larson's 

The Beast! 

The Alfachis hide their buzzers 
behind doors to discourage undesir- 
,ibles presumabh : Have the AKLs 
changed their no-smoking rule since 
t]ie\ had a pledge moved out on ac- 
count of it? 

One of the 1)1 s received a lo\ely 
birthday cake from MOTHER just 
before their recent radio dawnce, and 
ha\ing protected it from the breth- 
crn, he gallantly invited his blind 
for the dawnce to come up to his 
room and cut herself a piece of the 
best. The blind's .MOTHER, how- 
ex cr, had told her about men like 
that, so she courageously resisted the 
innocent advances of the beast. They 
bad a dance last week, too! 

Hansen, the (jammafi blonde Val- 
kyrie, will fix up the boys with a 
blind on practically a minute's 

The mother of one of the .Alpha 
Chi O. hopefuls brought her daugh- 
ter some fruit of the dromedary va- 
riety when she visited the campus the 
last time. Last Friday night, when 
dates were assembling for the eve- 
ning downstairs, a sister called to the 
heroine and asked, "Where are all 
your dates tonight?" to which the 
sweet young thing responded, "I'm 
keeping them up here, locked in nn 
room!" Now we ask you! Is that 
sort of thing allowed? We just 
wanted to know — for future refer- 


Hall of Fame 

We nominate for the Siren Hall 
of Fame one Larry Ball, Sigma \u, 
who at last, after many endeavors, 
succeeded in obtaining a date with 
Marie Walling, POP, three weeks 
ahead of time. 

They say that npposites attract, 
but that doesn't seem to be the case 
in regard to the blonde Elsie Minier 
of POP and the blond Mr. Cover 
of the Trans, department. Less for- 
tunate males in the Commerce 
( ('.iiutiuiii d nn Piu/c IS) 






(By An Individual Who Knows Little About Them) 



Name Age Nationality 

Height Mean (liauii-tcr Displacement 

Complexion Experience 


Will your best friend tell you? 

Do \()u eat \'our spinach \xithout brin^ bribed.''. 





Do you drink? 

Do you neck? 

Do you pet? 

Do you ? C'mon, now, do you? 

What do you think of Technocracy? . . 

Do you ever indulge in onions? 

Have you e\er fallen in Io\e with a handsome 

uniform ? 

Do you wear madame chairman glasses? 

How's your Aunt Sadie? 

Have you ever spent an evening with a good 

book? If so, what do \ou mean b\ 

a good book? 

What do you want to go to this damned house 

party for, anywa\ ? 

Having decided when you want \our house ]iarty to 
happen, the first thing to settle is what kind of a part\- it 
is going to be. There are all kinds of house parties. If you 
choose some kinds, you may be disgracing the University 
(if anybody on the outside finds out about it), and if you 
choose some other kinds, you may be disgracing >our house, 
so that you are in somewhat of a dilcmnia (Mr. Editor, is 
that spelling right? . . . Oh, \ou don't know yourself! 
Well, let it go.) Anyway, the best way to get rid of a 
dilemnia is to take lots of aspirin and go to bed. 

Now that \ou know when and what kind of a party 
you are going to toss, what you should do is call up the 
girls you want to come to the thing. Here your choice will 
depend upon what kind of a party it is going to be . . . 
After this is done, an order should be placed with Moe or 
Charlie or Leonard foi' refreshments. Also, an electrician 

should be asked to come over and wire the knobs of the 
radio so that an\onc trying to get Honolulu or Montreal 
during the course of the evening may be given a little re- 
minder to lay oft. 

After all that is setled, the next thing to do is prepare 
tor entertaining your guests. The AKLs the Betas, and the 
Chios find that the game of forfeits is an excellent ice- 
breaker, and it is recommended that this be placed first 
on the list. The traditional Pin-The-Tail-On-The-Donkey 
game should follow .soon thereafter, and by the end of this 
contest, the crowd ought to be well warmed up. At this 
point the people present should be divided up into groups 
of fom' each, and a rousing tournament of Parcheesi or 
Mah Jong held, A brief recess ma\' now be called and le- 
freshments, liquid or solid- served. 

The intermission over, the party can begin to get dow n 
to serious business. Of course, this is just the place for that 
good old game that our forefathers used to play, Postoffice. 
By way of contrast, this may be followed by those jolly 
modern games, Sardines and Uncle Henry's Russian Sleigh. 
The party should wind up with a series of athletic games, 
such as ping-pong, spring football, and wrestling. 

When some of the brothers begin falling out of the 
windows owing to too man\ refreshments, the party is con- 
sidered as in the process of breaking up. The guests should 
then be sent home (optional) and the brothers to beddie- 

"Oh. I recognized you by your voice!" 

Honscparty N timber 




.And iKiw we li;i\ (■ ik-\\> Ikiih Calitonua anciit llii' 
HaiTMiuiro ot last \ ear's campus dianiatics, it seems that 
jimiiiy Liiiieberg got under a piece ot colonnade that was 
earth-bound and now he is in the hospital. W'e wish him a 
sjieed) recn\ei\' and h)ts ot pretty nurses . . . 

I nknciwn h\ our more asaricious co-eds, tliere is the 
.mswer to tlieir prayers over at the New (lyni and his name 
is Hankner. He is afraid of girls and we would be willing 
to wager a pint of ,i.J th;it not one can get him . . . inci- 
dentally, girls, he's worth q\iarrelling about. 

Whitlo. of the economics department, is now holding 
forth at the DAE house as proctor. (As if they needed one 

of them ! ) 

The Thcta Delts ha\e painted their rooms and onlered 
more second hand furniture in an effort to keep up witli 
the Jones . . . tliey should ha\(' known the Zeta Psi's back 
wjien . . . sort of a moral lesson. 

And now that the Chi Taus have moved out, we would 
like to have the house as a wayside inn and establish an- 
other "Race of Ben" ... or was it the "Tribe of Ben" 

. . meam 

ng Ben lohnsor 


The osculation marathon in progress on the Tri-Delt 
front porch is enlightening to anyone connected with a wa>s 
and means committee. 

A beautitid line . . . that in Balzac's book, named "Lis 
lllusi'iiis Pcnliic" and presenting the height of that which 
is ridiculous, to wit. "Stroking the dome of St. Paul's to 
propitiate tlie Dean" .... would we had a St. Paul's. 

Each spring brings forth new lo\es and new ideas, 
dressed in this year's Easter clothes . . . but we still main- 
tain that there won't be so main' pins hung this year as in 
\ears past, mereh because the women ha\e been in the 
habit of keeping the things of late. 

Lois Montross, that creator of AikU Protheroe, is at 
work on stories for the Siit. Even. I'nst. (ii\en time and 
prosperity, she will write another "This Siiic of Piirddisc 
to the delight of her local Pi Phi sistern. (Ed. note: F. 
Scott Fit7,ger:ihl write "This Sitli of I'nriiitisi") 

The Theta Chis get angr\ when you move out of the 
house, the Theta Delts write home to daddy, and the Betas 
don't care . . . there's a moral there somewhere. 

Oh. where is the Universit\' of Illinois scandal that 
would "rock the state"? We ha\e looked all o\er the cam- 
pus for it, but with no success whatever. 

A dash man is fast compaiu', but a cross country man 
will go farther. 

Kiki Condor of the Zoolog\ department claims that if 

the k.ippa l)eltas llunkcd tlieii e\ams it's their own fault 
tor wearing pajamas while being tutored. 

Mr. Secord while explaining poetic meter to his Eng- 
lish ,il class cited Hawthoine's Evitnt/i/inc as an example. 

Wasn't it cute of the Theta house mother to keep hei 
romance a secret from the girls for so Irmg? 

We woiuler if Mr. Tolo, the Noung history instructor, 
and Lyie Robertson, Tau Kappa Epsilon, had a permit to 
drive down the broad walk that memorable evening? 

What with being cut off from other contacts the Sigma 
Nus and Alpha Tau Omicrons are just one big happ\ 
family. The lone Sigma Nu in the summer school last yeai 
woke up one morning clad in full dress, with a glorified 
headache, a \ague remembrance of fraternal ritual and an 
Alpha Tau Omicron pin on his vest. 

That reminds me of Bill l>odge's (Andy Protheroe) 
theory that any man who had the money and the inclina- 
tion should be gi\en extra degrees of fraternal ritual. That 
is if the boys got together a little and they could throw in 
the Chi Psi hall of Mirrors, the Liberty, Equality, and tlie 
Justice of the Dekes, the boy-scout hand shake of the S. A. 
E.'s anil of they could alwa\s fall back on the D. 
U.'s to fill in any cracks. 

Apropos to house iiarties — 

Wasn't it at the Phi Sigma Kappa house that a \isiting 
father found hair pins in his .son's bunk in the dorm? 

Just sa\- "Hildegarde" to AI Schicht, Teke. and sec 
what happens. It must be those bedroom eyes, A\. 

Ralph Fadum is our candidate for the Absent Minded 
Student degree. He left cards with his exams but forgot to 
write down the course. His grades came in gradually, but 
he couldn't tell which was what. The moral however is 
that he made a fi\c point in Ijigineering and so it didn't 

Muted Melody 

iPearest one, there are so man> dreams 
That go astrav, so manv a tuneful thing 
That we would do — it almost seems 
The gods would ne\ er let us try to sing . . . 

But while there moves a single breath 

Of song at night, or movement through a tree 

We shall not witness the death 

Of dreams; they are but muted melody . . . 



YORK BISHOP, who is chairman 
and chief grafter of the dance su- 
pervision committee. Member of 
Sachem, Commerce Informal com- 
mittee. Band of X. and was a jun- 
ior business manager on The Illio. 
Known throughout the middle-west 
as the great lover. Just another 
Phi Gam. 


CHUCK FREDERICK, who is one 

of the biggest of the Big Shots from 
not so many years back. Having 
turned from editing to deaning he 
has again proved himself both pop- 
ular and a success — a difficult thing 
in his position, which gives him 
great control over the campus 

DAN DURAND, chairman of the 
Military ball by virtue of his posi- 
tion as student Colonel of the Uni- 

• versity Brigade. Member of the 
Cavalry Officers' club. Military 
and Student Councils, and of Mask 
and Bauble. Wears the badge of 
Chi Psi lawdge. 



House putty Xiimhci- 





chairman of the Junior Prom, a 
member of the Sophomore Cotil- 
hon and Pan-Hellenic committees, 
wears the keys of Beta Gamma 
Sigma. Alpha Kappa Psi. Phi Eta 
Sigma, and wears the badge of 
good or TUO. 


chairman of the Senior ball, and 
was on the Junior Prom and Soph- 
" omore Cotillion committees, as 
well as being chairman of Union 
week and a member of Tu-Mas. 
Skull and Crescent, and dear old 
Phi Gamma Delta. Just an old 

chairman of the Fine Arts ball, and 
is a member of Scarab and ULAS. 
He is the President of the Fine 
Arts Council. 





By Joyce N e w b i I I 

W1'"'RE pretty matter of fact, we lllijii are, ami 
we're not much given to sympathizing with 
these here difficult people. It's a case of being 
tiie survival of the fittest in a melting pot in- 
stitution sucli as a state university like this. You've either 
got to fit, or get out! All of which no doubt sounds like 
P. 65 out of your Social Maladjustiiicnts text, but is just a 
roundabout way of introducing our misfit hero — a strange 
youth, who, because of his odd sort of literary maneuvers 
and tragic disappearance, was mutually dubbed Mad 
ShcUcy by all us guys who never had any use for him, 

He came to Illinois about four years ago, at most, dur- 
ing what is referred to as the Age of Prosperity, since the 
co-eds ha\e been bemoaning his loss ever since, and mourn- 
fulh' date their letters A. C, which an\one knows, in the 
language of Wall Street or the Chicago Board of Trade, 
means "After the Crash." 

He was a distinct prototype. The kind of student who 
could make a perfect score on the A-proof Psych. 1 tests, 
and would consequently flunk out half the class, since they 
graded on the hated old curve. Were we crazy about him, 
y'say? Well, if so, we never exactly fell over each other's 
necks putting ourselves out for him, you luiderstand, on 
account of his being so darn brainy, and we all having come 
to college to get Kulture, and not to hamper ourselves by 
the thought of grades. 

Hut Gamma Delta, one of the better fraternities on 
campus seemed to divine something or other from his 
strange past and to deem it worth a pledge button. We all 
congratulated him as a matter of ethics one Greek reserves 
for another, and felt consequent pangs of remorse at not 
tipping off the unintelligent order which so obviously was 
the goat. We couldn't help feeling that somebody should 
have wised them to his goings-on, and at the same time 
wondered how they could be such dumb-heads. It turned 
out afterwards, much to our amazement, that the boys 
knew just what they were doing at the time they did it! 
Which only served to make things more inexplicable to 
us, of course. 

However, knowing what we know of fraternity life, we 
were skeptical from the first on the grounds that we could 
not for the life of us imagine what he'd ever contribute 
to any Sesshns, which are truly the very essence of life a la 
collcgienne. With still greater contempt, we tried vainly 
to picture him slamming another on the back and shouting, 
"Tom, you old sonuvaguii, just ichn was the frail you drag- 
ged to Bradley Saturday night?" It was equally impossible 

"Nothing eventful came his way until he 
chanced on Betty . . ." 

to conceive of his ha\ing much to do with co-eds, and as 
for fitting in with a dance and then-to-Prehn's date sched- 
ule, it was a positive riot just to think about it! 

After the football season got well under way, first 
thing we know this gu\' decides all of a sudden to get a 

House Jyarty N unihcr 


job on the cilitorial staff ot the collcgt- newspaper and sliow 
those self-st\Ie(l litcniti what journalism reall\- was. And it 
wasn't so ver\ lonj; betoie we heard that he was gettinj; 
the breaks, all riiiht, in tietting i;ood interviews and thiny;s 
like that. 

The thin;: that took the eanipus b\ stoini. tlioiiiih. was 
an article ot iiis we read one day that knocked us all cock- 
e\ed we were so mail! In it were exposed the grim .secrets 
of "Pete" Adams' notorious record as campus cop in de.d- 
in^ with a xariej^ated assortment of campus crimes and 
minin- offenses. The vulfjar and unblinkinf; eyes of the pub- 
lic t;a/ed in horror at the printed word, as did also the 
austere and eminent critics of the illustrious department 

The information was to say the least . . . astoundin;:. 
Such alarnu'ng revelations, if made other than at our own 
(luainth conservative University, would ha\e been pla\ed 
up in big heads on the dirty yellow sheets. But the Daily 
mini, shunning notoriet) like the pro\erbial shrinking 
violet, presented a rueful face when it realized the odiously 
sinful affront made upon its sacred journalistic principles. 

The main scenes of the crimes, Mr. Adams staunclily 
a\owed, consisted in the forestry, specified portions of the 
South campus forbidden after 6 P. M., the fifth floor of 
University Hall which was seldom used, and the back-stage 
area of Morrow Hall. These traditional trysting places of 
three generations of lllini had been defamed in their exposal 
as settings conducive to shocking and lewd affairs. 

Was it an\ wonder, I ask, that bald-headed professors 
wrinkled their domes o\er it, that old ladies of the chem- 
istr\ department, affiliated with a different school of eti- 
quette, looked askance and adjusted their glasses more close- 
1\- o\er it, and finalh' that the yoiniger generation winked 
at each other and tossed it off as being a lot of danm- 
foolishness ! 

It wasn't long before people, no doubt inspired by the 
insinuations already made, began to breeze it about that the 
bones of one Mr. Wallace Reigh, A. M., missing since the 
ila\ he was scheduled to take his doctorate exams, lay 
molding under the ea\es in Adelphic room at the tip-top 
of University Hall. People e\en climbed the six flights ot 
stairs to sec for themselves, but it was so gloonu' and the 
dreary cooing of the pigeons sufficed to affirm their doubts, 
so they left, believing anything anyone cared to hang on the 
place. ,-\ll of which didn't help the University any, I don't 

The article, which at hrst was discounted as being 
mere ribaldry, .soon was hailed by at least half of the bards 
of the English department as a specimen of a strange and 
uiuque sort of genius, but nevertheless . . . genius unnus- 
t.ikable! Tile bold and overbearing pen of the yoinig wiiter 
had produced a work which, in its tendencies to deviate 
from the normal and usual trend in journalism, it was 
thought might even pave the vvav to a \kw schofd of literary 
stvle and philosophic thought. 

As I previously admitted with reluctance, all of us in 
fraternities were duds . . . anyhow, I we were, be- 
cause we somehow just couldn't get a huge aesthetic thrill 

out of this bozo's yarns, which continued daily to llee justice 
under the uncertain title of interviews. He used to get by- 
lines on every little thing he wrote, and we used to com- 
ment facetiously that his publicity was due to the fact that 
the others on the staff insisted upon his labeling his work, 
lest they should be insulted by .somebody thinking lluy 
wrote it. I5ut whether for the staff's protection or his own 
betterment, the awful writings increa.sed in numbei' ,uid ui 

The chap had an astovuiding faculty for mining the 
sh.uK details of one's life, and launching them forth loi 
evervone to gasp at. He nuisr have derived a heiulish sort 
of satisfaction from doing things that vvav, or else I don't 
think he would have gone to the trouble of interviewing 
in her suite in one of our newer hotels, an internatioiiallv 
famous prima donna who was a guest artist of the campus, 
and unearthed one of the secrets that famous ladv held 
nearest her heart. 

^Vithout anv conscience whatever, he ruthlessly attacked 
whatever he fancied. It was positively uncanny how much 
immorality that youth could discover in tliose about him. 
He'd merely look a girl in the face, sa\- .something to her 
in a low voice, and she'd start back from him, inquiry in 
her eyes. It got to be prettv' serious . . . the things he 
could do to people. And there were those who alwavs like 
to start trouble for somebody, who claimed he was com- 
pletelv oft' his nut. Which was to be expected, of course, 
and would be said about anyone unusual. He, however, 
would say .something to his professors, and they just 
wouldn't talk back, but let matters go as final. And I don't 
suppose you'd find another like that in a century of holidays 
— not on this campus of unintellectuals! 

This guy Shelley even looked the part, with his fine deli- 
cate features, his white, transparent face, his wavy blonde 
hair, and eyes that seemed sunken in his head . . . eyes 
that held a characteristic hunted look which made us in- 
stinctively steer clear of him. Most of the time he walked 
around sort of absent-minded like, as if he were modeling 
a coma. 

The women went wild about him. It w,is a thing 
which tended to nauseate us, and was completelv beyond 
our comprehension, but we might have known all along it 
would be that way! It sure was a crazv enough situation, 
and we guvs used to sit around and idan by the hour how 
we would give him hii. Hut it was just his luck that antici- 
patetl opportunitv never arrived! 

Wherever he was, v<iu could count on it the gals would 
be — pronto! dropping handkerchiefs being very much / , 
they'd trv the next best thing in the line of feminine strat- 
egy, and would always be busting their compacts around 
for him to pick up. We all stood bv' and watched the wom- 
en m.iking big fools of tliemselves, and got a tremendous 
w.illop out of it when he wouldn't give the whole co-ed 
outfit .so much as one little break. .Moreover, he didn't 
even have to draw his face u|i in agonizing vvav of his 
to appear bored. Hut boy, how thev did fall for that deli- 
cate, wistful, boyish sort of appeal of his. Not being par- 
ticularlv nutz about fragile masculinity, we fellows always 
noted a marked resemblance between the willowv looks he 



cast in the general direction of the skirts and the inimitable 
expression of a dying calf. But we weren't the guys for say- 
ing much, and just held everything to see what'd happen. 
We knew darn tootin the fireworks were about to begin ! 

Nothing eventful did come his way, either, until he 
chanced upon this snooty little Betty Brisk, the most de- 
termined boop-a-dooper on the campus (only it was vo-de- 
o-do in those days) and it is claimed, an absolute hell-cat 
when she got started. She was what the boys would term 
a darb, a honey, a peach, a wow, a knockout, etc. All that 
little gal had to do was to roll her eyes and hold out her 
hand, which in the slanguage of the boop-a-doops means 
"I*"ork over, big shot!" . . . and the fraternity pins came 
tumbling from every which way. 

But Betty, in addition to belonging to a sororit\', had 
other infamous traits, among them being a zest for pranks 
at the expense of the college boys. That girl did more 
damage to the morale of this campus than a whole year of 
final exams would have done — which, take it from thrice 
a Hunk-out, is really saying a good deal. 

This Shelley guy went completely haywire over her. of 
all girls, and you would have thought all along he'd prefer 
the cold, tall, majestic type that ancient sagas all rave 
about; but not this bird! He falls, instead, for this nitwit 
little golddigger what hasn't a brain functioning in her 
giddy head, and who was always on the verge of flunking 
out of school. Through some lucky breaks, she was still 
there, and of course, would continue to be as long as her 
uncle was on the University Board of Directors. 

Everyone who thought this Shelley was balmy seemed 
to have fidl proof now that he started giving this dame the 
big rush. He'd sit and dial the Chi Alpha Chi house all 
evening, and ran the poor pledges ragged answering the 
phones all the time. In fact, it got so the freshmen would 
leave the phones off the hooks entirely; but the seniors got 
mad and bawled hell out of 'em because it was a matter of 
life and death for them to get their phone calls, since they 
were seniors and this was their last chance to get a man! 

This she-devil Betty sure led him a merry chase, when 
she saw she couldn't cash in his worth in terms of green- 
backs! In fact, upon realizing his only value la\ in brain 
work (for which ,of course, no co-ed ever gave a whoop) 
she was all for pounding him full of lumps, which you all 
no doubt will recognize as a co-ed's characteristic mode of 
showing disappointment. But he turned out to be so per- 
sistent in his unyielding attempts to win out that for the 
devilment of the thing, one night she sneaked out of the 
servant's entrance to go walking with him. 

Behind them loomed the enticing yet forbidden South 
Campus, and to the west rose the sombre, ivy-covered walls 
of the University; the eastern part of town was taboo in 
view of the indisputable fact that when one walks there, 
one sees everybody you know. So Betty, using the only 
alternative, grabs this cake by the arm and propells hini to- 
ward the Boneyard, of all places, tout de suite. 

The Boneyard — that evil smelling stream, yet in tradi 
tion forever remaining nearest to the hearts of Illini. The 
popular Illini song, "College Days," informs us that way 

back in the era of good will, when hazing of the frosh 
by the sophs was a major sport, "they ducked em in the 
muddy Boneyard and cut their hair off short" so these same, 
greenies might in turn know the full true meaning of col- 
lege to the boys, and "so like many, many others, swear 
b\ Illinois." But that was before our time! 

There, Betty could be positive, she would see none of 
her acquaintances! And there, within its shady confines, 
she would rid herself of this literary blight once and for 
all. Together, they perched on the rail of the bridge. Look- 
ing first at the moon and then at her, this palooka begins 
to spread it on thick, finally working up to a big frenzy 
when he gets to the part about not being able to go on 
without her, etc. To climax his asininity, this stupe further- 
more continued by urging her to elope with him to Spring- 
lield that \ery night. 

His line, that dizzy co-ed was thinking, got to be so 
( (jOiituuud on F/u/r 20) 

"Let's go up and I'll show you my collection 
of pennants." 

Houscparty N nmhcr 


While we stop to rest and j 
admire the beautiiul out yonder j 
lets enjoy a (chesterfield jB 




l'"r('n<)i Dry Cleaners and Dyers 



•iKPiie i\\\ Phone :i5r>(l 





(i;7 K. (iKKKN (JdS GOODWIN 
Chanipaiun I rliana 

Deep Sea Stories 

S-ea h'yinl>lis liiishul mi the ii.'i/i,l 

sivt'pt nnks, 
i-ntrip:iiinj^ ihf siulors lliat ptts.itd 

thai <icay : 
R-uiiMiiit; ariiiutd in Ihiii sunily 

E-choes oj iniisii riiaJf hiittful llir 

N-ymphs oj today drrssid in liss 

than their Sisters 
S-tiil raise Old Ned ixilli sii/lit-see- 

inij Misters. 

PHONK t:u 


Union Barbers 


C am pus 

"We Nef-d Your Head 
in Our Business" 

f Continued from Pae/e 9) 
school emiously watch this pair, even 
though it lowers their grades. How- 
ever, rumor has it that Minnie (does 
anyone call her that?) is not in any 
of Cover's Trans, sections, though 
she tried all her wiles on the section- 
ing clerk (Mr. Cover to you) to let 
her in. 

Rumor Has It . . . 

According to Dame Rumor, it is 
almost a tact that Tom Kennedy is 
in lo\e with Dottie O'Connor; it 
seems that that is the way the wind 
is drifting because Tom hung his pin 
and is eating at the TPA house 

Did \ou know that this drug store 
outfit that has two old stores, one 
in Urbana and one in Champaign, 
paid :fl7,T(M) for the southwest cor- 
ner of Sixth and Daniel in order to 
keep another rival out of the terri- 
tor\ anil then the ri\al calmly went 
on and built and opened a few doors 
awa\'. Incidentally, the ri\al is said 
to be losing money. 

There is a new game going round 
the campus and it appears to ha\e 
all the characteristics of a good old- 
fashioned faro-bank gamble. Two 
people start out together and then 
they wager on who can find the big- 
gest bug in all the coke n smoke 
shops they visit. They either do that 
or bet on seeing the worst tie on 
some man or other. In this case they 
always bring a referee along with 
them to decide, that being the usual 
thing for referees to do ... 1 
mean decided. 

Yoo Hoo Fanny 

It is a long cry from our frontier 
days of \odelling for help to the 
modern version of standing outside 
the Theta house at two in the morn- 
ing, (and she was rather nice to look 
at, too) and throwing small and as- 
sorted pebbles at various windows, 
shouting, meanwhile, "Francis. 

We stopped to watch and nothing 

happened. One would think that 
Dickerson woidd do better by her 
gals as what need her doing like 

Did you know that ire know of a 
house at «hich you pa\' a dollar for 
two hours and you can have the 
room that you wish, furnished, for 
exactly two hours. There is a radio 
in the room and there are lamps on 
the shades, no, we mean, shades on 
the lamps, and all together, it pre- 
sents one of the best amateur hotels 
that we have seen in the Twin 
Cities. It, in some respects, surpa.sses 
(■\en some .sorority that we 
know. Further, we know the ad- 
dress. To be sure, there are various 
people who claim to know where 
they can get the same service, etc. 
. . . and the time limit is extended 
to include all night for the same 
price but we can't see the reason 
since we always said that one gets 
just what the\- pay for. 

Soph Embryo 

It IS conceded that one of the best 
ways of campaigning is to follow the 
the precepts of the national parties 
in their meanderings and our cam- 
pus celebrities seem to be doing just 
that when they promise that no one 
who is on the cabinet, or no one 
who has an "in" will get a job as 
a result of the forthcoming pork- 
barrel rolling, after the elections are 
o\er. Foresburg, sophomore embyro, 
says, "that the trouble with the 
people on this campus is that they 
don't .seem to realize that tve aren't 
in this political thing for what we 
can get out of it, but rather for the 
express porpose of seeing that there 
are no dirt\' politics." We waited to 
hear him add, "Except our own," 
but he didn't and we just took it for 
granted when he admitted that York 
Bishop had prepared that little state- 
ment for whoe\er asked him for an 
idea iin what it was .ill .ibout and 

I hereby give you warning not to 
register for Professor Taft's Crimi- 
nologv class if you don't want to 
sign \our life awa\'. For the dear 

House pcirty ?\ umber 


man sciuis arouiul littlp cards prac- 
tically every morniiisj arul asks the 
students to write their names after 
various and sundry statements — the 
iDUowini; beinsi a few as examples: 
1 want to ^o to Danville Satur- 
da\ (and visit all the little crimi- 
nals)" — "I promise to buy the text- 
hook when it comes" (lucky for us, 
it never lias arrived), "I like this 
course." etc. I'm just waiting for 
the da\ when he sends one around 
readinji, "1 will accept an A in this 
course" — and then oh, boy. oh, bo\ , 
will I e\er afHx nn John Henry! 

\Vlieii I (irst entered that course. 
1 wondered at the large enrollment 
— a classroom with fifty .seats, yet 
there were students standing up in 
the back ! Hut I soon discovered the 
reason, for in a ver\' few days Pro- 
fessor Taft made the announcement 
that if we took thrtc hours of Crimi- 
nology, we were leasonably certain 
tiiat our children would not be crim- 
inals — bur it we took six hours of 
it, we were darn sure of it! (Won- 
der il he meant that by the time we 
were ;ible to /)«.« that many hours 
we would be too ilecrepit to marry? 
Hy the looks of my last exam paper 
in that course. 1 guess that supposi- 
tion is risiht. ) 

Paul and the Belts 

One of the drunken Delts came 
late for his Economics 1(1 lec- 
ture the other da\. To adil insult 
to injury, he yawneil broadly as he 
i-ntered the classroom. "Too bad." 
remarked .Mr. Van Arsdell, who is 
onh the instructor, "that the nights 
aren't long enough at the Delt 
house! " 

I nfortunately a father happened 
upon his son at a house part\. So he 
said. "How is it. ni\ son. that I tiiul 
you here with a beautiful girl on 
your lap?" 

To which the \outh replied. 
"Wonderful, sire, wonderful." 

Hoiiseparty Again parties, like familiarity. 

breeil contempt ; 
Hut with the man, such familiarity 

nIiouKI he swell. 

House parties, like familiarity, 

breed contempt ; 
.-\iid with a blind, any faniiliarit\ 

would be hell. 


"Come, pull \ourself together." 

"^ eh. it's time to go home any- 

"Impossible! You marry my 
daughter? \Vh\ , she's m\ only 
child !" 

"Hut, sir, one is all I wanted. " 

"A girl no longer marries a man 
for better or for worse." 


"No; she marries him for more or 


Husband (arriving home late): 
"Can you guess where l\e been?" 

Wife: "I can, but tell your story. " 


.\ droll tale is told about the deaf 
and dumb man who had a night- 
mare and broke his knuckles on a 
bedpost, screaming. — Lnnifiooii. 
■ S 

You never smoked in bed before 
we were married, Henry! — Gwgoylc 

Hutcher: "Would \ou like a nice 
turkey tor Christmas, Lad\ ? " 

Woman: "NO, 1 want a nice 
goose. " 

Hiitclui : "Hmmm. can you take 
it?" — Lyre. 

s ■ 

"I knou- a place where women 
don't wear anything except a string 
of beads, once in a while." 

"Holy gee, where?" 

"Arouiul their necks, stupid." 

— Jester. 


Professor's wife: "Did you 
know. dear, that twenty-five yeais 
ago today we became engaged?" 

Professor: "Wh\ didn't you re- 
mind me? It's certainly time we 
were getting marrieil !" — Ok/. 


HeirloQmor not- 
give it ///^-Air! 

WHEN she told liini to throw that 
reeking relic in the rubbish can, he 
was otiendea. Sensitive? Pooh! Not as sen- 
sitive as grandma's nose. Let's he brutally 
outspoken. W hv should a man keep on smok- 
ing a pipe through sentiment, when it s lull 
of sediment? 

When vou smoke mild tobacco in a well- 
kept pipe, c'yeryhoily'i happy, yourself 
included ! W c never heard anything but 
compliments about the smoke Sir Walter 
Raleigh's mild Burlev mixture makes when 
it curls merrily from the bow! of a well- 
behaved briar. It is smooth and fragrant, vet 
\u\\ bodied, rich and satisfying; and it's kept 
ircsh by gold foil. Its record of popularit) 
alone makes tt worth a trial next time you 
step into your tobacco store. 

Brown & Williamson Tobacco Corporation 
Louisville, Kentucky, Dcpt. W-3J 




"You make me mad!" 

"Well, it's better to be made mad than never to 
be made at all." 

( (j'liitiiiiitil jium I'lu/i 16) 

much blotto after the first ten minutes, so she started to 
boop-a-doop softly to herself to keep awake. All the while, 
this Shelly has become more and more fired with a mad 
desire to dominate this little snip, and alluvasudden he 
grabs her like he probably saw Jack Gilbert do in the good 
old "silents." But that stuff don't go over big atall ! Xo- 
siree, not with that bini unless she says so, see? 

So, hauling out the reliable old Strantjlir Lcicis she 
learned in lifesaving class, she gets him in a gosh-awful 
knot; plus one nasty little twist of ju-jitsu learned on the 
advent of her first college date, she sent him cavorting 
through the air, and plop goes the talented Mr. Shelley 
right smack in the middle of the Roneyard. And he can't 
swim! Just try to imagine his consternation, the piker! 

At first he thinks he's drowning and starts to blubber 
a lusty hellup! Rut on second thought, he tiilnks it would 
be more sensational to end it all then and there after such 
an ignominious defeat suffered at the hands of a mere slip 
of a girl. Then too, no doubt a swell marble monument 
could be erected on the banks of tlie great and only Rone- 
yard, commemorating his name unto posterity. He holds 
his breath awhile until he thinks he's thoroughly drowned. 

and then he looks up. There's the same old moon, of course. 
I suppose the goof marveled that the moon was visible from 
the Elysian Fields, or some other damn fool thing, since 
he had that remarkable kind of a one-track mind. It's kind 
of hard telling how long he stayed there sizing the situa- 
tion up — but he returned to the fraternity house the next 
morning elated, so the reports go. 

Things happened a bit difterently after that experience 
for Shelley. Having suffered defeat only served to give him 
more self-assurance and impetus for success among the 
femmes. And I'm not exaggerating when I say that any 
number of sororae used to fight by the hour as to whose 
man he was. Swell, blood-curdling, hair-pidling fights they 
were, and the casting of dark aspersions on one's ancestry 
was a common occurrence. 

The rest of us guys figgered this onion was just some 
sort of a temporary craze like a movie picture actor fad, so 
we all sat aroiuul getting plastered up with an\thing any- 
one tried to sell us — all of which went to show how little 
we cared what happened to our lives while we were wait- 
ing for things to blow over. We just knew that sooner or 
later the women woidd come crawling back to us repentant- 
like, so we just pulled the old indifference stunt, since what- 
ever we did didn't seem to phase 'em anyhow. 

Nobody likes to compete with a not-too-masculine type 
of man ; and that guy Shelley sure used to make our blood 
boil, all right, all right. We weren't the only ones who 
were peeved, either, because the dance hall managements 
lost money on Friday and Saturday' nights, because this guy 
had estranged all of the skirts from their boy-friends. 
Whenever Shelley was in the vicinity of town, all the other 
fellows looked simple, crude, and thoroughly unromantic, 
which no doubt we were; but the fact that at least we were 
honest-to-lord he-men, which should have counted som;"- 
thing our fa\or, of course was completely overlooked by 
those dumb-cluck Shelley fans. 

Things began to be breezed around the campus about 
this bird. People labeled him Casanova, and referred to him 
as a ladies' man, one well-schooled in amorous intrigue 
among co-eds and women, and the like. All sorts of dire 
scandals were cooked up about him, and the lurid tales 
of his "affairs" became common talk in e\ery sorority and 
fraternity house. It used to make the dean's office furious 
never to be able to get anything definite on the blighter, 
so he stayed on. 

An alarming thing we noticed was that the women fell 
for him all the harder once they had a few hints as to what 
kind of a fellow he realK' was. 

Rut this Betty gal, who never wittingly did anybody a 
decent turn, was just the kind of a tricky little cuss who 
would betray Shelley to a shameful degree before his crowd 
of devotees. As the immediate result of her tireless cam- 
paigning toward reconstructing his reputation, conflicting 
stories began circulating and it was noised abroad that 
Shelley was known to frequent the Rone>ard at midnight. 
Other and more detailed versions had it that he furthermore 
had been positively identified as walking upon the banks of 
( ('.'jntiniifd on Fiujc 24) 

Houseparty Niinihcr 


I C.'inlinuid fr't/ii I'ni/c 7) 
Mk-ntly tor :ihout five niiiuites ; nobody said a word. '1 lu'ii 
the music stopped, and she turned to face all ot us. 

"What is the niahter with you-all ? Ah want so nuich 
to make whoopee. Come, join Esther in a drink. \Vli\ did 
\ou give just giiisierale awhde back ?" She looked at Swede. 
He just stared. 

The orchestra started anotlier li\cl\ numbei, tlie tension 
snapped, and the party we had planned was on. 

"Little cousin, come hither." Swede drew her aside; 
the rest of us listened. "\Vhere were you taking us?" 


"Saugatuck? \Vliy there?" 

"For three reasons, mah big strong cousin. First, I'.sther 
wants to go there. Ali'ni supposed to meet Ralph H.-uuelson 

"Not the commodore's son?" Swede gasped. 

"Why not? Just because you belong to the Chicago 
Yacht club is no rea.son why we poor Southerners shovddn't 
rate, is it? Well, you see. Ah took the liberty of phonin' 
Mrs. Kingston to see if it was all right to have another 
guest over the week-end, and she said they were going to 
be in Saugatuck tonight. And besides, big boy," she winked 
at me, "Ah know the swellest speakeasy up that-a-ways." 

I lit that cigarette I'd wanted all afternoon. 




Was My Face Red!!! 

Theta Delt: And there was the house mother; turrung 
the lights down low ! 

(^lamma Phi: And when he slapped me on the hack, I al- 
most swallowed my new bridge! 

Delt: Oh bo)', and were tliose stairs e\er wiiibh- 
\V(ibb]\' ! 

Fri Delt: Aw, the stain will ne\er show ! 

H Sigma Psi : And she said we'd just go down and pl:i\ 
a little ping-pong! 

Delta (lam: And lie .isked me ii|i to see ilis .M.iwanda 
plaque ! 

Phi Delt: I'd forgotten to take Harriet's picture off nu 
dre.sser, and was my evening ever spoiled ! 

Chi O: Now how was I to know he was the cii.i|i(rone ! 

Chi Psi : And then we ran out of ice ! 

A. D. Pi: Oh were we in your room! 

Deke: Onlv a dollar and a half a case; and deli\ered 


T. P. A.: And we were only matching pennies! 
Alpha Sig: What! No dark corners! 
Z. T. A.: Oh well, it's getting to be a habit witii me! 
Delta Sig: And Fve got to bring her to dinner today! 
Independent: We were necking — ad lib! 

The Siren wishes to apologize to Mr. H. D. Herr 
for the article which appeared in the March i.ssue. 

Tennis Goods 

Rackets $2.00 to $IS.00 

Llnstruiif* Frames $3,50 to $S.()0 

Restrinjiins* $2.00 to $7.00 
Quick Service 

Balls 25c, 30c, 3 for $1.00 

Oxfords $1.35 up 

Also Superior (iolj Goods 






Rial to 

If you wiTc jdbk'ss — huMgr\' — tired — and liad no liomc 
to go to, what would you do? Would you be a pick-up? 
"Pick-up," coming to the Rialto on April 2i concerns itself 
witii the story of a girl, pla\e<i by Sylvia Sidney, who is in 
just such a predicament, and a taxi driver, (jeorge Raft, 
who unwittingly picks her up, 

Relea.sed from prison after being "framed" by her iius- 
band, who remains behind the bars, she finds herself desti- 

hut escaped, killing a guard while doing so. Wlien lie is 
captured he implicates her. Raft sells all his propert}' to 
hire lawyers to defend her. 

"Pick-up," which originalh appeared in Red Hook 
magazine as a serial, was WM'itten by V'ina Deliiiar, author 
of the famous "Had (iirl," Hesides George Raft and Sylvia 
Sidney, who are remembered for many successes, the cast 
includes such notables of the screen as William Harrigan 
and Lillian Hond, You shouldn't miss this fast-moving film 
which answers the question, "Can a pick up romance hold 
its own against a societv marriage?" 

(Jciir^c Rujt and Sylvia Siilticy (is they appear 
in "Pick-up." 

tute. Taking refuge in a cab on a rainy night, she meets 
tlie dri\er, George Raft, and falls in lo\e with him. Though 
they are unable to marry, they open up a garage in the 
suburbs and are soon on the way to prosperity. Things 
come to a climax when Raft begins paying attention to a 
wealthy socialite, Sylvia gets a divorce, and her convict hus- 
band returns. She then finds out that he was not released, 


Lionel H.-irrymore appears in the film adaptation of 
"Sweepings ' from April 2.^ to 26. This release is so recent 
that no advance publicit> is available. 

Taken from the anonymous novel of that name, 
"(jabriel Over the White House," this picture is permeated 
with the tense authentic melodrama of actual headlines in 
toda\ s news. It is a daring expose of Washington, includ- 
ing the story of a L iiited States President who steps out 
and does something about current problems. Walter Huston 
plays the part of the President, and is abl\' supported by 
Karen Morle\', Franchot Tone and Arthur Hyron. It plays 
at the Virginia April 27-29, 

The long awaited "Rasputui," containing all the royal 
Harryniore family, appears from April M) to May ,^, The 
story tells of the stronge monk, Rasputin, who by curing 
the little Russian Czarevitch of a deadly ailment, makes 
the superstitious Czar and Czarina his slaves, rules Russia 
through them, percipitates a riot of orgy, meddles with poli- 
tics, and finally plunges Russia into the World War. Then 
after his death, comes the revolution that sealed the doom 
of the Romanoff dynasty. It contains John, Ethel, and 
Lionel in the cast, as well as the sensational new actress 
Diana Wyndward. 

"Maedchen in Uniform," the sensational German play 
appears at the Virginia on May 4, 3, and 6. It takes us 
behind the cloistered walls of a finishing school for girls, 
all of them from the same social stratum — daughters of 
Prussian army officers. The strict and pitiless discipline, 
without an\ regard for emotional conflicts, leads to an un- 
avoidable catastrophe. It is significant that this entire film 
should have been produced by women. Walter Winchell 
claims that this is one of the finest films he has ever seen. 
Although the dialogue is in German, the entire film is sub- 
titled in English, 

Hoiiscparty N iimhcr 



April 1_'. "l.Uh Guest"; April 13-14. "Central I'ark"; 
April 1^, "A Man's Land"; April 16, "No Man ot Her 
Own"; April 17-18, "The Most Dangerous Cianie" ; April 
10, "Little Orphan Annie"; April 20-21, "Frisco Jennie"; 
April 22. "McKenna ot the Mounted'; April 23, "The 
Past of ^L^ry Holmes"; April 24-25, "No Other Wom- 
an"; April 26. "Officer 13"; April 27-28. "Farewell to 
Arms"; April 29, "Hidden Cjold" ; April 30, "Lmployes' 

May 1-2, "Air ^L^i^'; May 3, "Wild Horse Mesa"; 
-Ma\ 4-^, "20,000 Years in Sing Sing"; ALay 6 "Fighting 
Champ"; .\Lay 7, "Tonight is C^urs" ; May 8-9, "Island 
of Lost Souls"; May Id, "They Call It Sin"; Ma\ 11-12, 
"Hello, E\er\boii\." 


Crowded trolley car. (\oinig lady is \ainl\' groping 
for her purse to pay her fare.) 

Young man: "Pardon me, miss, but may I not pay 
your fare?" 

Young Lady: "Sir!" 

( Several seconds of groping. ) 

\ oung Man: "I beg your pardon again, young lady, 
but won't you let me pay your fare? " 

^ oung Lady: "Why, I don't even know you, and any- 
wa\, I'll have this purse opened in a minute. " 

(Continued groping.) 

Young Man: "I really must insist on paying \our fare. 
\ ou've unbuttoned my suspenders three times!" 

— Btanpnt. 

"Darluig. I loN'e .\ou !" 
"And I you. dearest!" 
"Will \ou alwa>s lo\e me?" 
(and so on for about ten minutes.) 
"But I must be going now." 
"Haven't you forgotten something 
"I don't believe so. What?" 
"\ou didn't leave me an\ ice!" 

— Purple Ptinnl. 

Curious: "Have vou been in an accident? " 
Battered One: "No. I complimented my wife ami 


Curious: "Slipped?" 

Battered : "Yeh. Said I never saw anyone look as nice 

in underwear as she did." — Oul. 

(doming to the 


Sunday, April 23 

for four days 

Vina Delmar's Tempes- 
tuous, Hot ■ Blooded 
Romance . . . With the 
Screen's Greatest Team! 




Author of BAOCIRl' 

G Qaramounl picture 



A Bedtime Storv" 





Song Without Words 

the same illustrious river, composing and reciting poetry 
verbally by the yard. 

This so piqued the natural curiosity of the co-eds that 
they began sneaking out of sorority houses, residence halls 
and rooming houses alike, and thence down to the Bone- 
yard to see things for themselves. 

This midnight exodus from the women's houses soon 
got to be such a social menace that the well-meaning towns- 
people unwittingly complained to the offiice of the dean of 
women about the disturbance of their well-earned slumbers. 
Chaperones were consequently notified to tell the girls not 
to make so much noise thereafter. 

Having dismissed the affair as ended, the University 
didn't give the matter another thought, but so far as Pete, 
the Campus Cop, was concerned, things were just getting 
ready to happen. Taking upon himself the severe task of 
enforcing University ethics in such matters, one night Pete 
rounded \ip a bunch of the co-eds in the act of touring the 
Boneyard for a glimpse of their dream-idol. 

The whole campus by this time was in hysterics about 
the new trend in the whole absurd affair. It seems that one 
of the residence hall chaperones had rung the fire alarm 
bell, and of the two hundred and fifty-three inmates, only 
three girls, who happened to be Junior fibetes, were on 
deck. Pete — mad because Shelley published what lie told 

him on the q. t. — steered the howling, seething mob of 
women homeward, but he couldn't keep 'em quiet! 

Then he set out to locate Shelley, but that gentleman 
was fortunately for himself not at his fraternity house nor 
any place where the University could pounce on him with 
venom. I must say Shelley showed a remarkable discretion, 
seeing as how he was handicapped by an ultra-artistic tem- 
perament, by pulling his phenomenal disappearing act. 

If he had bothered to return to the University, he 
would have been dismissed on the charge of "keeping a 
University woman out after hours." At that rate, it was 
commonly observed, he was without question five hundred 
and sixty-one times dishonorably dropped from membership 
in our great educational institution. Anyhow, much as it 
hurts, I'll have to say something in this bard's favor, since 
he did show infallibly good judgment in ne\ermore showing 
his face on our fair campus. 

We guys are all pretty much relieved to have this dude 
safely out of the way, of course, and we've gradually gotten 
our women well reconciled again to the idea of thinking 
we're woiulerfid, instead of wafting their attentions on 
that tow-headed degenerate with the quivering, too-sensi- 
tive mouth and the pale, anemic face. My God ! We used 
to get the heebie-jeebies just looking at him! 

But there's one thing we just can't get around. And 
that's how these women — though lord knows how they can 
— believe right at this moment that Shelley goes galavant- 
ing about the Boneyard at midnight making up poetry and 
shouting it at the moon. There's only one thing to do when 
they get started on a mood like that — just let 'em rave on, 
and try and think of something pleasant instead. 

It does gripe us more'n we'll admit, though, just to 
think that four-flusher will, wherever he is, get just about 
any woman he wants merely by wiggling his mouth around 
half-wistfully, by shooting them a darb of a moronic look, 
and by not combing his hair for a couple of weeks! 

The women somehow manage to get along in the opti- 
mism that some of these days he'll come back again to seo 
them. "But not if we see him first!" says us frat'ney guys. 



coming off here? 

Lots of Things — Best of which is 

The SIREN'S Swillio Number 

Coming off the press soon 



un saw ai 











ri.(»l'l.i;s' i'llARMAt V 


— :iii(l the Newsboys 



'■^i ':.> 

<-VC^ -"- 

''•-> tmi 



[.; >\ 

y: ,;-/• 



•■>►-> ■ .' '■ 'v 




.■i a; 







Not many smokers have- seen a fine tobacco plant 
in full bloom, so we show you this picture. These 
fine types of plants are permitted to flower and to 
produce seed — to reproduce the Cream of the Crop 
— enabling Luckies to maintain the same fine, uni- 
form quality that smokers everywhere appreciate — so 
round and firm and fully packed — free from loose ends. 

Always t/ic/incst tobaccos Always t/icjincsl n-orlimans/iip 
AlmAYS Luc/ucs please / 
"it's toasted ' for throat PROTF.rTioN— for retier taste 




Autumn Number 

Croon of the Copyreader 

Reporters and editors all agree 

I'm a most unholy terror. 
If an error appears, I get the jeers, 

For my realm is the realm of error. 
Theirs is the praise, but mine is the haze, 

And it truly isn't fair. 
But I don't mind shame, I don't mind blame. 

And here's why I don't care : 
I can leave in the lurch the ways of the church 

And merrily guzzle beer ; 
I can lie and curse and do e\en worse, 

Yet never need to fear. 
For in heaven's heart is my place apart. 

Boon not to be denied me, 
'Cause the Lord is good, and his head's not wood, 

And he knows he's sorely tried me. 
So despite my sinning and base beginning. 

And mitigation's dearth, 
I'm not afraid of getting hell — 

For I got mv hell on earth. 

— £. G. N. 
(Copvreader's Note: Ain't it the truth?) 

Three Sweetest Words 

"I love you. " 
"Let me help." 
"Dinner is ready." 
"Vacation with pay." 
"Keep the change." 
"Have a drink." 
"All is forgiven." 
"Going back home." 
"Enclosed find check." 

ho. (or a title 
to this picture 

Life Sarers, Inc.. will pay »10 for the mosl 
humorous title to this picture. »5 second 
prize. And for the neit 25 most humorous 
titles. 25 prizes of a box of Life Savers will be 
given. In the event of a tie, duplicate prizes 
will be awarded. 

Write your title on the Inside of the Life 
Savers wrapper or on a hand drawn fac- 
simile and mall to Contest Dept., Life Savers, 
Inc. . Port Chester. N. Y. This contest Is open 
to collefie students everywhere. Entries must 
be postmarked on or before January 1. 1934. 


" — I work over an hour for every meal . . ." 
"Well, it took Leonardo Da Vinci four years 
to make his Last Supper. 





For M e a 





For D r i n 


On Green • On Oregon • 

On Daniel 


For your entertainment 

On the Scree 



Nov. 12 thru 15. Cradle Song, starring 
Dorothea Wieck of Maedclien in Uni- 
form fame. 

Nov. 16, 17, and 18. Golden Harvisl, 
with Richard Arlen, Chester Morris, 
and Genevieve Tobin. 

Nov. 19 thru 22. Take a Chance, another 
big musical, with James Dunn, June 
Knight, Lillian Roth, Cliff Edwards, 
Buddy Rogers, Lillian Bond, Dorothy 
Lee, Lona Andre, and many others. 

Nov. 26 thru Dec. 2. FootUght Parade. A 
backstage musical with James Cag- 
ney, Joan Blondell, Ruby Keeler. 
Dick Powell, and Guy Kibbee. 


Nov. 9, 10, and 11. Saturday's Millions, a 
football picture featuring Johnny 
Mack Brown, Robert Young, and 
Leila Hyams. 

Nov. 12, 13, 14, and 15. Ann I'ickers, Sin- 
clair Lewis' dramatic novel of an 
unconventional heroine, screened with 
Irene Dunne and Walter Huston co- 

Nov. 16, 17, and 18. Chance at Heaven, 
with Joel McCrae, Marion Nixon, 
and Ginger Rogers. On the stage, 
Gertrude Avery's Diamond Revue, 
with forty people. 

Nov. 19 thru 22. Jack Pearl and Schnoz- 
zle Durante in Meet the Baron. 

Nov. 23, 24 and 25. The Chief a musical 
starring Ed Wynn. 

Nov. 26 thru 29. Walter Winchell's 
Broadivay Thru a Keyhole with Russ 
Col umbo. 

Nov. 30 thru Dec. 2. .'Ifter Tonight, with 
Constance Bennett. 

Nov. 10 and 11. Richard Dix in The Day 

of Reckoning. 
Nov. 12 and 13. This Nude IVorld. 

Features in This Issue 

Coke n Smoke 4 

Soup to Nuts 6 

I Cover the Waterfront, Too 8 

Zup 10 

Thrust 'n Parry 13 

The Saga of Mortimer Botts 14 

I Want to Go Home 17 

Spotlight on the Screen 18 

Spotlight on the Stage 19 

Cover by Betty Murdoch 


Theatre Passes 


8 Misspelled Words 

in Advertising 

of This Issue. 

First five persons turning in 
complete lists at Siren office 
will be given one complimentary 
ticket each. 

4 and 5 P. M. 

Writers . . . 
. . . Artists 

The Siren is in the market for 
free-lance contributions — hu- 
morous fiction, verse, comedy 
sketches, jokes, cartoons, car- 
toon ideas, and constructive 
suggestions. Office in basement 
of Union BIdg. Manuscripts can- 
not be returned unless sufficient 
postage is enclosed. 

Staff Positions Open 
to Workers 

See editor at office, open 
daily, except Saturday and Sun- 
day, at 3 P. M. 

The Stage Offers 

Nov. 3, 4, 10, and 11. Good Morning 
Dearie, a musical comedy by Anne 
Caldwell and Jerome Kern. Pro- 
duced by Pierrots. Directed by Rob- 
ert Henderson. Lincoln Hall Theatre. 
Snappy songs, snappy girls, snappy 
costumes, snappy settings — all in all, 
it should be a great show. Don't miss 

Nov. 17, 18, and 25. TIte Yellovj Jacket, a 
three-act drama in the Chinese man- 
ner, by Bcnrimo and Hazelton. Pre- 
sented by Mask and Bauble. Directed 
by Wesley Swanson. Lincoln Hall 
Theatre. 8:15 P. M. 

Something different. A story that 
ivill provide you ivith an interesting 
evening. The Chinese drama is not 

Dec. 15 and 16. Pagliacci, an opera by 
Leoncavallo, and The Impressario, by 
Mozart. Produced by Arepo. Direc- 
ted by Kathryn Janie Sutherlin. 

Tivo masterpieces of musical drama 
on one program. 


Nov. 11. Northwestern, at Evanston. 

Let's celebrate the Armistice by 
taking the trip with the team. This 
is one game we MUST <win. 
Nov. 18. Chicago, at Memorial Stadium. 
The Maroons are plenty tough this 
Nov. 25. Ohio State, at Columbus. 

The Buckeyes wilt take out all their 
spite on the Zupmen. 

Dec. 16. Illinois Wesleyan, here. 

Don't miss the opening of what 
promises to be a successful season for 
the Tribe. 

On the Air 

(Principal entertainment pro- 
grams of WILL, University of 
Illinois. Josef F. Wright, direc- 
tor; Lowell Blanchard, announ- 

Concert Band. World's greatest college 
band, directed by A. A. Harding. 
5-5:30 P. M. Monday. 

(Continued on Page 20) 

Autumn Number 

*. ■•'. '•■•■. 

. ''v.;'^ * ■;.v tvJ^fc 

Volume XXXIV Axttumn, 1933 Number 1 


WILBUR J. THOMPSON Business Manager 

Editorial Staff 

John D. Tedford Associate Editor 

Lenore Scharschug If Oman's Editor 

Beny Miirdock Irt Editor 

Assistant and Contributors: George Moseley, Ellen Ryn- 
iker, Allan Kazunas. Ernest M. Bogin. Gretchen^Nardine, 
Margaret Kahler. Ernest Waterman, Sidney Schnitzer, 
T. J. Henley, Geraldine L. Hulet, Shirley Day, Evelyn 
A. Stern, Virginia Hill, James \V. Davis, Marie Klap- 
perick, Betty Lou Arbuckle. 

An Assistants: James A. Will, Rosemary Miller. Field 
Beam, Joan Xewraann. Marion Corliss, Kenneth McCain. 
Marcus V. Brewster, Julie McHale, Jeroma Wallace. 

BusiXESs Staff 

Herbert Otten idvertising Manager 

Adele Pohl and Herbert Sears, Assistants 

Clement Ireland Circulation Manager 

Jay Mathis, Assistant 

Marjorie Steele Junior Collections Manager 

Circulation Staff: Eloise Ireland, Morris L. Weiss, Mar- 
ion Porter, Gay Larkin. Pegg>- Tw-yman, Gwendolyn 
Davis, Louise Malone, Lois C. White. Dorothy Blum. 
\"irginia Plummet. Margaret Ann Curtis. Ernest Denton. 
Dorothy Malone. Billie Greif, June Carpenter, Mary 
Frances Brandt. V. G. Musselman, Howard Dixon, 
Mary Jane Lotts. 

Published bi monthly during the college year by the Illini Pub- 
lishing Company. L'niversity of Illinois. Entered as second-class 
matter at the Post Office at Urbana, Illinois, by act of Congress. 
March 3, 1879. Office of publication, Illini Publishing Company. 
Address all communications, Illinois Union Building. Champaign. 
Illinois. Subscription price "5 cents the year. Copyright 1933. 
The Siren. 

' i- '-.'•V-^'C -w ..-": 


<.'■ ^^vv;vyVr;'^-:.-:^-i■ ' .-^.■v' ;> V ■ ,\:/''-:r^'c-' ■'■•'.^^l^fl^ :i'-^-^^^^'' --'■■''' 






.;,^v v-^. 

.V^ .. 





NOTHING EVER changes around here; but people 
come and go, and things do happen. The freshmen 
of this class will do the same dumb things that 
those of last year indulged in, only in a more up-to-date 
fashion, and the sophomores of this year will try out their 
new dignity in the same old prestige manner. Ye ed will 
get his biggest bundles of dirt over the booths in Hanley's, 
Kamerer's, and Prehn's, (free advertising because the mar- 
ket on cokes has dropped fifty per cent). 

And yet perchance I'm wrong; some things are differ- 
ent. This year the campus goes mad over bicycles, and not 
only students. Professor Ronalds of the history department 
cruises up and down fourth street having just the best of 
fun, but he always stays within the range of the Phi Sigh 
hut — just in case of an accident, so the brothers can pick up 
the pieces. 

This year will really go down in the history of Illini. 
Of course you all heard the cheering and yelling at the 
Homecoming game. Was it because we beat the Badgers? 
It was not. For the first time in years the canine tribe took 
no active part in the action on the field. How strange not 
to see the usual brown and white cur go galloping after the 
hero of the day. Perhaps the absence of Gil Berry accounts 
for the lack of excitement ; the dogs certainly went for him. 

THE ALPHA PHIS think Jimmy Lake is a pansy. He 
went with one of their girls two years and nothing hap- 
pened. Ask Helen Ruth Bosley ; she told us about it. 

And speaking about the effiminate sex — Elliott Cassidy, 
a demure Phi Psi, Luxes his underwear every night. We 
meant to ask his dates if the "shorts" are initialed, but our 
modesty forbade. 

It really seems that the broadwalk has become the Old 
Ox Road of our Alma Mater. Not that people are parking 
on it, but the speed limit is the same. Two Alpha Gamma 
Rhos went driving down the walk the other night after 
their pledge dance, and the only thing that saved them from 
the wrath of the campus cop was an out-ofstate license and 
farmer masquerade costumes. Everyone can understand the 
out-of-state license, but — 

An Alpha Chi Rho alum indulged in the same sport, 
but his alibi was "believe it or not, I'm looking for a barber 
shop." He must have been to a house meeting and things 
got in his hair. 

Autumn Number 


COY REMARK number nine-thousaiul, forty-two 
heard at the game. Wisconsin is on the one yard line 
and the "Block I" is straining its lungs yells "hold 
that line" when a classy co-ed speaks up: 

"We have fourteen points, haven't we?" Her date as- 
sured her that we did. 

"And they haven't any points, have they?" 
"No, thank God ; watch the game, darling." 
"Well, then, I'm sorry I ever came here to school. You're 
all a bunch of nasty hogs." And the reason they aren't 
speaking is because he informed her that some sororities 
were noted for pledging "things" like that. 

Talk about Illinois loyalty. A Kappa Sig pledge walked 
out of his house during Homecoming and immediately hit 
the dust with a nice bottle, with a not-so-nice label, buried 
in his golden locks. The frateri came tearing down stairs, 
but the cop on the corner got there first. 

"Who did it? Who did it?" He shook the boy awake. 

"Dean Turner," yodeled the youth in his best method- 
to-Garcia manner, "the Sig Alphs are drunk again." 

Famous Sayings of Famous Politicians: 

George Le Calf — "We're vulgar with power." 
Ray Kubec — "Everyone is with us." 
Hank Joseph — "I'll go down with my party." 
Steve Shumaker — "This will not be a railroaded elec- 

Chris Shoebuckles — "Nine votes for us." 
Aubrey Cookman — "Everybody has said everything." 
And of course Frink is psychic. Otherwise how could he 
have made his acceptance in one-half minute after his name 
was mentioned? It's a wonderful age we live in. 

Perhaps I'm wrong or out of date, but what happened 
to the Mawanda board of last year? Either the painter slip- 
ped when he wrote the names, or someone else slipped when 
the names were handed out. What's the vacant space for? 

Has everyone heard about Major Conard? Well every- 
one has heard about South Campus — you nasty man. It 
seems the Major and his wife were watching the Cavalry 
Officer's Club informal initiation. Well, after all, how 
were the cops to know? 

Special! Special! Lyle Hoffman had a date last night — 
so what ! 




Autumn Number 


Cover the waterfront, too 


I COME here so regularly that the clock on Old Main 
automatically sounds four when I push my inquiring 
pad and pencil into the quiet of the Boneyard. I have 
been told that it also strikes four on Sunday afternoon, the 
one day I don't have to cover my beat for the Illini, but that 
I refuse to believe. Being a fixture on the Banks of the 
Boneyard, I like to think that I am the cause rather than 
the coincidence. 

Any time we have a big rain, it is my job to go down 
Wright street and see if the Boneyard has overflowed its 
banks. Wright street is the gauge, and if my riverlet has 
not overflowed there, no matter if its backwater is in all 
the basements in town, I always say that the Boneyard did 
not overflow. That is because I am a stickler for ethics. 
Once I saw some figures kept by the University weather 
bureau which proved that Champaign-Urbana is the third 
driest community in the state, and ever since then I've been 
wary of encouraging students in their silly notion that this 
is the rainiest place on earth, even though it is, figures and 
ethics notwithstanding. 

Once the Boneyard did overflow its banks, and I got a 
little story at the bottom of page one for my efforts. I also 
got a bad cold because there was water all over the side- 
walks and my feet got wet, but that doesn't count. 

ON THE few days during the year when it doesn't 
rain, I have to depend on the color of the water 
for my regular story. Sometimes, people dump 
things into my Boneyard, and then it's my business to find 
out who did it and what he dumped. Once the water turned 
almost milk white, and because the secret was too big for 
me to keep, I hurried back to the office to get a sports 
writer to look at it with me. When we came back, it was 
a deep red, almost purple. I thought of the beauties of na- 
ture, and he thought of what I told him about the water 
being white, but while we were contemplating it, it turned 
green. So we went to an occulist and had it all explained 
to us that way. 

I have no set procedure for covering by beat, but unless 

I'm hunting some special story, I usually lie on my side by 
the grassy dyke north of the old President's home and watch 
the water flow under the picturesque rustic bridge that 
crosses there. Sometimes, if the sky above is particularly 
blue or the shade from the trees particularly cooling, I for- 
get about the stream altogether and look upwards, thinking. 
And though I think of nearly everything while I lie 
there, I somehow never get around to the subject of women. 
Only once has a woman come into my routine. I met her 
in a class and saw her again as shie chanced into the office, 
where I sat in my dark corner tapping away at my type- 
writer about my riverlet's three inch rise in water level. 
She asked me what I was on the paper, and wouldn't believe 
me when I told her. To make it convincing, I took her 
along that day to show her. When I got to the dyke, I 
sprawled down on the ground as usual, watching two in- 
sects have it out on a leaf floating down the stream. But, 
somehow, though all was quiet and pastoral, she developed a 
sudden headache and had to leave. 

SOMETIMES people ask me just what good my 
Boneyard is, and I always hasten to point out its tra- 
ditional value. I tell them that long years ago, the 
original Tribe of Illini swam in it, and caught fish in it. 
and went canoeing in it. And I tell them that only a few 
years ago, while it was still a big stream, the student body 
made it the nucleus of the Illini Trail to town, following 
its course through the wilds to Main Street. But I always 
forget to mention that it is a good thing to duck freshmen 
in. And because there is something aesthetic about my job, 
I never say that if it weren't for my Boneyard, all of the 
basements in town would be flooded. 

But here I am, the waterfront reporter. I am more 
permanent than my beat, even, for the Boneyard is always 
moving, though toward where I don't know. Probably I'll 
be the Illini's waterfront reporter until I leave, but I 
never worry about that. Why should I worry about what 
is going to happen to me if I never took the trouble to find 
out where the Boneyard goes after it leaves carnpus? 

Autumn Niimhcr 


A frcshniaii tioni the Amazon 
Put the nighties of his Gramazon ; 

The reason's that 

He was too fat 
To get his own Pajaniazon. 


"Where iloes this inviting, shady lane lead to?" asked 
the motorist. 

Without moving from his contented rest upon the fence, 
the farmer launched a jet of tobacco juice with deadly effect 
upon a grasshopper ten feet away, then scr.itched his stuh- 
bled chin thoughtfully. 

"Well, stranger," he drawled, "it's led moi'e'n halt the 
young folks around these parts into a right smart heap n' 


\ nung lawyer: "^'our honor, I claim release of my 
client on the grounds of insanity; he is a stupid fool, an 
iiliot, and he is not responsible for any act that he may 
ha\e committed." 

Judge: "He doesn't appear stupid to me." 

Prisoner: "Your honor, just take a look at the lawyer 
I \e hired." 

Sc TH(VT •. H E p , H-iH ' 

She was a cold, dignified old lady. The usher approached 
her with a query: 

"Are you a friend of the groom?" 

"Xo, indeed," she replied. "I'm the bride's mother." 

King Arthur: How iiiuch'll you take for this suit of 
armor. Lance? 

Lancelot: Three cents an ounce. Art. It's first class mail. 

He: Too bad you must wear those dark; \ou 
ha\e such pretty e\es, :ind pretty things should not be 

She: \ es, but if 1 carried that theor\ to the eiiil I 
would be arrested. 

Pkge tli^e^ 


i^4 z / 

SPEAKING of farm relief, wKat 
about the poor pigs? When they 
complain about an odor, boy, it's 
some odor! Less particular things 
than pigs sny at foul pipes. Yet so 
gentle a person as a lady loves to 
have pipe smoking in ner presence — 
that is, with the right 1^1 ml ok tobacco. 
For instance, no hving thing, pig 
or person, ever drew away from Sir 
Walter Raleigh's mild, fragrant mix- 
ture in a smooth, well-kept pipe. 

Those rare Kentucky Burleys sat- 
isfy the smoker, and delight nearby 
non-smokers. Try a tin ol Sir Walter 
Raleigh on your next store visit — 
the tin wrapped in gold foil. You'll 
see why particular men have adopted 
this fine tobacco "whole hog. " 

Brown & Willi.inison Tod,icco Corpor.ition 
Louisville, Kentucky, Dept W-3i2 

crfau io 


Send for this 







(_'niirtes\ College Iltiiuor. 


B(^B Zl PPKE — football coach, painter, philosopher, 
psychologist . . . born in Berlin, Germany, in 1879 
. . . came to America in 1881 ... came to Illinois 
as head football coach in 1913 . . . wondered whether he 
was going backward when he left Oak Park High School 
to come to Illinois ... is seeing the fog of football depres- 
sion lift from Memorial stadium . . . for his part in produc- 
ing seven championship football teams in the Big Ten is 
recognized as one of the leading football coaches in the 
country ... is given credit for designing many of football's 
recognized strategems . . . does not follow any set system 
. . . says he takes a little from all of the "systems" and 
throws in a little of his own ... is outspoken for his prin- 
ciples and cares little who knows it. . . . 

Accuses "Pop " Warner, of Stanford and Temple, of 
copying his football plays and then copying his paintings 
. . . chief avocations: painting and golfing . . . studied art 
at one time at the Chicago Art Institute . . . receives credit 
(and in all probability, a check) for daily syndicated car- 
toon "Ned Carter at Brant" . . . famed as after-dinner 
speaker . . . speaks extemporaneously most of the time . . . 
with a crackling Deutsch accent . . . laughs at his own 
jokes . . . known as the "Dutch Master" . . . hard worker 
himself . . . works his teams hard . . . may be seen out-of- 
season in halls of New Gym crouching and pivoting . . . 
explaining his latest play . . . also attends basketball games 
and wrestling meets . . . with an eye out for football players 
. . . played basketball at Wisconsin where he received his 
Ph. B. . . . was "too small to play football" . . . developed 

teams famed as "Fightin' Illini ... is proud of the teams 
. . . proud of the monicker . . . tries each season to have a 
fighting team . . . insists spirit will win lots of games . . . 

Came to Illinois as a psychology instructor . . . has been 
practicing it ever since . . . smokes cigars or cigarettes . . . 
has been known to ask for one cigarette and take five . . . 
typical pose: on football field . . . swathed in corduroy coat 
. . . sleeves three inches too long . . . battered and dirty gray 
felt hat pulled down to ears . . . cheek bones accentuated by 
wide smile and "toper red" complexion . . . made Red 
Grange famous . . . owes some of his own fame to the 
"Galloping Ghost" . . . cynical at all times . . . profane when 
necessary. . . . 

That's Bob Zuppke who has made "Illinois" a feared 
word in the football world and for his success is recognized 
as one of the "Big Four" coaches of the United States. 


My Last Request 

Good friends — make sure that I am dead 

Before I'm laid to rest. 
So put a quart of Haig and Haig 

Upon my wearied breast. 

And let a pail of good Bass Ale 

In either hand reside 
Before you put the lid on me 

And give me my last ride. 

Rub Gordon's Gin upon m\' skin. 

And say, boys, if it's handy. 
Just stviff the pockets of my coat 

With (^rant Morella's Brandy. 

But lift the lid from off m\ bier 

Before you plant me deep. 
Then if the drinks are still untouched 

I'm dead — and let me sleep. 

— Allan Kazimas. 

Anttiimu Number 

■ \\ 

rsliat does H take 
io iSaiisfu ? ' 

^'That's easy . . . 

and they re MILDER 
and they TASTE BETTER." 

^~' i VN 


ig 1935. Liggett & Myers Tobacco Co. 



The Saga of Billy The Bum 

Bv Allan Kazlxas 

This is the saga of Billy the Bum. 

May the worms spare his rotting frame. 
He loved a skirt, but she did him dirt 

When she didn't play the game. 

Yes boys, 'twas a woman that sent him down 
On the trail through a blistering Hades. 

(Don't think I'm a cynic, my bo)'. just because 
I warn yoii — steer clear of the ladies). 

She was a hostess at Gus, the Greek's, 

(Ah, many's the stein there I tossed). 

He spent all his money for dining his honey. 
He wooed her and won her, then lost. 

'Cause after his bankroll had flatteiied out, 

She left him — that hard-hearted Sal. 
She got her the king of the beer racket ring. 

While Bill moaned the loss of his gal. 

Poor Bill lost his courage, he took a last splurge. 

Each penny he had disappeared ; 
So he thought it was best to strike out for the West, 

And he went there in rags and a beard. 

But the gold didn't flow in his pockets, I know. 
He sought solace in booze and in cards ; 

When they raked in his chips, with a smile on his lips. 
He found out that he lost all his pards. 

His spirit had gone ; he was pallid and wan ; 

He knew it would soon be his last. 
So he rode on the rails to the city of frails 

That he loved in his glorious past. 

He spent ev'ry day on the Great White Way 
Searching through thick snows and sleets. 

It's good that he died — 'twould have hurt his pride 
To find his Sal walking the streets. 

The Promising Career of a Phi Beta Kappa 

At school he had been singled the co\' epitome 
Of what gemmating geniuses are tritely thought to be. 
His frat grew almost fulsome with their oft-repeated praise. 
But so did proud professors: for there was no dearth of 

A man of such mentality, omniscience so near, 
Could benefit their college with his promising career. 
Nor proved he disappointing; first fiction was his trade 
And he dribbled dank descriptions of a semi-tropic glade — 
To serve as sultry setting for a sinister romance. 
Alas! It wasn't finished! He deemed he'd rather dance, 
And putting by his pen and ink he took up Greek ballet 
Intending to electrify the theatre one day: 
Pavlowa would have watched his with greedy jealousy. 
Directly he deserted it to go away to sea! 
No doubt but he was destined to be a big success. 
For soon he'd be a captain was every Jacky's guess. 
But commerce called him back to land ; he undertook a 

Replete with clever curios and tomes of lust and lore ; 
A truly thrifty venture, gross profits were immense. 
Till pretty soon he sold it to a man of lesser sense. 
Next song became his forte, his virile voice was true, 
But none could write an opera to gi\e his talents due. 
So science sired his exploits — the climax to his fate. 
If we may mark by money. His portent was so great 
That sages, saints, and silly folk, bedazzled by his star. 
Donated all their savings to his water-fueled car. 
Then Death, who squelches everyone in climes both far and 

Retrenched and ruthlessly cut short his promising career. 

— E. G. N. 

Jane was reading a history book about how Nero fid- 
dled while Rome burned. "Just imagine how the poor Ro- 
mans felt, " commented the professor. 

"And don't 1 know," answered Jane, "I was out with 
a fiddler last night, and did he burn me up." 

A stitch in time saves the eyesight. 

Ditty From a Shower-Bath 

The scene was a torrent of color. 
The noise in the place like a din 
Of kettles and pots crashing downward 
When the white tile walls all fell in. 
The water above kept on pouring, — 
When out of the wreck came a roar 
(^f a male undressed, in a cry quite distressed: 

Autumn Number 


Thrust 'n Parry... 


A SHY young lady appeared at a library desk the other 
day and asked politely for "Men Without Women." A 
thorough search was made, but the book was out. The 
librarian, who is American-born and Irish-witted, returned 
and made the solemn remark: "I'm sorry, we don't ha\e 
anv. ' 

THEN there's the girl who leaves her light on 
in her room all evening so that her sweetie who 
lives across the street won't know that she is out 
carousing with goodness knows what sort of com- 
pany. And that's science. Her telephone number 
is 7-2140. 

ONE young blood of approximately the \intage of '35 
has been going around singing lyrics to the skies. During 
the winter spasm his theme was "Shine on Harvest Moon. " 
And he sang it like he meant it. Now lately something has 
altered his tone and he goes around improving verses to 
barrack-room ballads. Why? His telephone number is 
7-2077. Ask him. 

HAVE you met Karl Heinrich Planitz. Born 
in Germany and imported to the U. S. at a tender 
age, he generally appears in public without girl 
friends or a neck-tie. He plays the piano with a 
touch of genius, sits with his elbows on the table, 
and does all sorts of gabbing in German, English, 
French, and Spanish. But withal he is modest. You 
should see him sometime. Telephone 3770. 

YEAH, we were at the Fair. A good architect can now 
draw a pretty good building with a foot rule, a compass, 
and a couple of drinks. About 1945 we'll wake up some 
fine morning and look out across the street at a bullet- 
shaped car before a geometric homestead. And we talked 
about pink elephants. 

THERE is again the boy who talks to so many girls as 
he stumbles and stammers around the campus, that we had 
the idea that he was a hosiery salesman. Telephone 8060. 
but he doesn't sell hosierv. 


Here's to the boy in the attic room, 

A fop with artistic feeling, 

Who spits out the window a mile or more 

And strikes matches on the ceiling. 

WANTED! Girl friend. Steady employment, good fu- 
ture. ]VIust prefer six-foot men with dark eyes. References 
necessary. Phone 7-1448. 

Mildness alone 
Is Not Enough 


IET US get straight on this matter of tobacco mildness. Of 
^ course you want a mild pipe tobacco. But mildness alone 
is not enough. What you really want is mildness plus flavor. 

In Edgeworth you will find that rare combination ^mildness 
plus flavor. Edgeworth is a blend of only the tenderest leaves 
of the burley plant. No other parts of the burley plant will do 
for Edgeworth. Not only do these leaves have the choicest 
flavor but, more than that, we have learned in our over half 
a century of experience that in them is found the mildest pipe 
tobacco that grows. 

FREE booklet on the care and enjoyment of your pipe. 

To get the real satisfaction pipe 
smoking can give you, to enjoy 
the full flavor of good tobacco, 
you must treat your pipe right. 
Send for a free copy of "The 
Truth About Pipes." It contains 
much practical and useful infor- 
mation for pipe smokers. Address: 
Larus & Bro. Co., Richmond, Va., 
Tobacconists since 1877. 

Ask for Edgeworth Ready-Rubbed or 
Edgeworth in Slice form. Sold everywhere. 
All aizesjrom lot pocket package to pound 
humidor tins. Also several sizes in vacuum 
packed tins. 









This is the saga of Botts '37. 

Ex-star of Pedunk's prep school eleven. 

In spite of his youth he was also a grind. 
The houses all rushed him, a dozen kind. 

They told him it wouldn't cost even 
a dollar, 

For he was an athlete as well as a ^'-^ 
scholar ; 

They told him he needn't obey any rules 
Like pledges must do at all other schools 

-^ ijj) 


Autumn Number 


Continuity by Allan Kazunas 

Illustrated by Rosemary Miller 

He groveled in gutters where street signs appear 
For this is the fate of the man who drinics beer 

The life he had sunk into did him no good ; 
He used milk of magnesia on breakfast food. 


He got out of condition; his nerves were on edge; 
His brothers all begged him to sign the dry pledge. 

Then one day when Mortimer woke up in class, 
He found himself next to the prettiest lass. . . . 

love conquer, or will he drag her down to his sodden level? 

(See the next instaUment of the coming issue of The Siren.) 




(In all apology due po' Mr. Poe) 
By Margaret Kahler 

Once up in a frat house drearj' 

When my eyes were weak and bleary, 

Teary over many a text-book and forgotten chore — 

While I plodded, merely slapping 

Flees and flies too starved for clapping 

Teeth in flesh and limbs, — and even more — 

There came a sound like saplings sapping, — 

Sapping sap fsapposedly) outside my bedroom door; 

Ah ! tho' weak and worn and weary — 

Work-worn, washed-out, wasted, dreary, 

1 nodded, beck'd, in language cheery 

O'ped with rubber-boot my bedroom door: 

There a sap stood, sweetly sapping 

Beer — and pretzels, (was I napping?) 

And I ceased my flee-fly slapping. 

Sapped with him — and sapped some more. 

Oft up in our frat house dreary 
Books and notes beguile the weary — 
Beer and pretzels! — ah, too bleer>' 
Do they make green Freshmen stomachs sore ! 
So when saps outside are sapping, 
I refuse to quit my napping. 
And I study, cram and happ'ng 
Just to answer — as before — 
To their, "Brief refreshment. Buddy? 
Come, your brains will soon get muddy — 
Wash it off or you'll go nuddy — " 
I groan and sputter: 

To The Latin Poet 

Lux tonsilitis momentum tomato, — 

Post-mortem Ohio insipid potato : — 

Ox cafeteria! 

Referendum diphtheria, 

Chipso! Nabsico! mentholatum legatto! 

Ridiculous pastor in jello non-valid. — 
Uncontious conundrum; pox tenement squalid- 
Inferior onion. 
Odiferous bunion ! 
Insomnia! Rinso! preposterous salad! 


V// V / /X/ 

I x"- I \ \ ■- ^ 

A Short Drama 

(No Scenery Required) 

He: Who's our iceman? 

She: We don't have an iceman; we have a Frigidaire. 

He: How about the Fuller brush man? 

She: They don't have any out here. 

Are you pestered much by salesmen? 

I haven't seen any yet in this community. 

(Trembling) My God! Then I'm a father! 
Three Shots and a Curtain. 


"If you kiss me I'll tell mother." 

"Why must you always brag about your accomplish- 

Autumn \ii>nber 


I Want To Go Home 

Bv Ellex Rvniker 

"No. I don"t want to go down town." 

"No, I don't want anything to drink." 

"No, all I want to do is go home." 

"Yes. I want to go home. H-O-M-E. I'm sure you've 
heard of it. It's that place you inhabit in odd moments." 

"No. I haven't a headache, athlete's foot, or the pip. 
I merely want to go home. I should think even you could 
understand that." 

"Must I explain everything to you. Can't you under- 
stand that sometimes a girl gets tired of this eternal going 
out with men who are all alike, who don't appreciate a 
girl's finer instincts, if you know what I mean. But of 
course you don't. You think that because you take a girl 
to a dance and step on her feet all evening, she should go 
around with a happy smile for the rest of her life." 

"And, anyhow, if you wanted to go ^vith me, why did 
you spend all evening looking at the girl \\-ith the white 
sadn dress." 

"Anyone who would wear such a dress must be de- 
praved anyhow. I'm sorry I ever went u-ith you. It was a 
lousy dance anyhow." 

"No. the orchestra was all right. No. the floor was all 

"No. silly, there's nothing the matter. Of course not. 
Nothing at all. Except that here I go to this dance with 
you in a new dress and you don't even notice. Why, I could 
have come in rags and you'd still have spent the evening 
staring at that girl in white satin." 

"Now, don't get nasty. You would think of that. I might 
have known that." 

"Don't 'Why Jane' me. I'm tired of being 'Why 
Jane'ed.' No, you can't come in. I didn't think you'd want 
to come in, but if you do it doesn't make the slightest dif- 
ference to me, of course. Come in if you want to. Stay all 
night if you want to. I'm going up to bed right now. I hope 
you have a nice time with the house mother." 

"Don't be foolish. You don't have to pretend. You don't 
have to kiss me just as if nothing had happened." 

"WTiat has happened! As if you hadn't been planning 
this all evening, as if you hadn't wanted me to say these 

"No, you needn't try to explain. I understand. I won't 
stay in your way. Go ahead with that girl in white satin 
if you want to. I assure you it's nothing to me. Just go on 
and let her take my place. Of course I'm sure she's not 
— ^\vell, I won't even say whati think about her since you're 
interested in her. but anyway! Well, goodnight. Or should 
I say goodbye." 

"Please don't say these things. It would really hurt me 
more to have you lie to me than to have you tell me the 
truth. Please don't try to spare my feelings. I'm grown up. 
I can face things." 

"OH, Jimmy, you mean you really aren't interested in 
her. Why didn't you say so before. Darling, I'll never for- 
give you for making me so miserable. O-ooooo, Jimmy." 

"Sure, I'll be here tomorrow. Goodnight, dear." 

"It was a lovely dance, wasn't it." 


Woman has always been a ticklish proposition for man 
since Adam first lost his rib. 



Spotlight on the screen 


R. K. O. Virginia 


SATURDAY'S MILLIONS is Universal's timely 
story of the crowds that fill many college stadiums every 
Saturday during the football season. 

It introduces Lucille Lunt, the "All Ameri- 
can Girl." Andy Devine plays the hero. They are 
helped by Robert Young, Leila Hyams and 
Johnny Mack Brown. 

ANN VICKERS, by Sinclair Lewis, is the story which 
Irene Dunne and Walter Huston use to advantage in hold- 
ing their followers. 

This expose of prison life, and drama of a so- 
cial worker's courageous life, is creating comment 
wherever it is shown. The supporting cast includes 
Conrad Nagel, Bruce Cabot, and Edna May 

MEET THE BARON— Munchausen, that crazy radio 
performer whose experiences have never been equalled by 
mortal man. Zasu Pitts is the love interest in this insane 

Schnozzle Durante plays the part of a profes- 
sor, and Edna May Oliver does her part to keep 
the piece from ever becoming sane. Ted Healy and 
his Stooges also contribute to this mad merger of 

chell's peeping-tom story of what goes on in back of the 
scenes in New York's great white way. Abe Lyman and 
his band furnish the musical background to Russ Columbo's 

Tex Guinan and her girls, Blossom Seeley, 
Constance Cummings, and Gregory Ratoff are 
only a small part of the cast. 

R. K. O. Orpheum 

S. O. S. ICEBERG is going to give you thrills and 
chills when Rod LaRocque comes to town riding on an 
iceberg, as a doctor in an Arctic expedition. 

The scenery reflects the cold white reality of 
snows and frozen bodies, but hearts burn with the 
hottest bitterness here. 

(Continued on Page 20) 

CRADLE SONG was introduced on the stage back in 
1921, and became such a hit that its motion picture rights 
were bought immediately. But with the array of stars Holly- 
wood offers from which to choose, not one actress could be 
found for the leading role, that of a nun with a heart aching 
for motherhood. 

Then along came Maedchen in Uniform a year 
ago, and with it the discovery of Dorothea Wieck. 
She was chosen for Cradle Song. And with her 
will be the cream of America's beauties, chosen in 
the Chicago Tribune's world's fair beauty contest 
last spring. 

GOLDEN HARVEST gives the farmer's side of 
today's economic struggle. Richard Arlen and Chester Mor- 
ris are two sons of the soil who grow up to try to corner 
the wheat market by getting the farmers to stop planting. 
Genevieve Tobin and the stuttering Roscoe 
Ates are two other members of this story of farm 
strikes and the grain speculators. 

TAKE A CHANCE is the musical comedy on which 
you will be taking no chances. For it has Buddy Rogers, 
James Dunn, and Cliff Edwards to please the women. 
For men, June Knight, Lillian Roth, Lillian 
Bond, Dorothy Lee, and Lona Andre are excel- 
lent reasons. There is much white skin displayed 
to the eyes, and there are many musical hits to 
please the critical ear. 

FOOTLIGHT PARADE presents a glorious array of 
300 girls in pictorial effects never filmed before. For exam- 
ple, its Water Baby Chorus is taken in a huge pool in 
which floats a unique pattern of glistening wet-skinned 
beauties. "By A Waterfall" is a sample of the songs in this 
great photographic novelty. 

Twenty individual performers alternate with 
the chorus scenes. James Cagney, as a filmland 
dance director, has Joan Blondell as his secretary 
and Ruby Keeler as the star tapper. Guy Kibbee 
admirably plays the part of Jimmy's partner. 

Some of the patterns of dancers which the 
camera portrays are best described as "Studies in 
(Continued on Page 20) 

Autumn Number 


Spotlight on the stage 


OUT OF a jumbled mass of indifferent singing and 
dancing . . . which continued up until the very last night 
of dress rehearsals . . . Pierrots brought forth a show that 
is worth every minute and dollar that was and is being 
spent on it . . . and the royalty alone for Good Morning. 
Dearie ... by the way ... is one dollar for every minute 
of playing time. 

NAT COHEN ... in turn taking the parts 
of a detective, a low chink waiter, and an old 
man . . . the last two as disguises of his original 
self . . . carried off the honors of applause and 
after-theatre comment of a fair-sized opening 
night audience and a packed house Saturday . . . 
his slap-stick comedy and fine singing and dancing, 
along with that of Lowell Blanchard ... as 
Chesty, a crook . . . were well worth the admis- 
sion price. 
AND before we end by saying that you'll regret it if 
you don't take advantage of this week-end's last oppor- 
tunities to see Good ^lorning. Dearie . . . we want to 
mention two other persons who stood out from a fine array 
of student artists . . . one is Edith Buzy . . . she certainly 
put in a great part as Mme. Bompard, the French dress- 
maker . . . and then there is that subject of much campus 
gossip . . . Patsy Kron . . . who has played in Forty-Second 
Street and Golddiggers of 1933 . . . and as Flaemchen in 
the stage version of Grand Hotel . . . only a small part in 
the Pierrot show could be found to suit her talents . . . but 
she played it with zest . . . Pierrots owe a great deal to Sol 
Cohen ... he pieced together a fine orchestral accompani- 
ment . . . and made the mediocre songs sound good. 

A TRULY comprehensive repertoire . . . this 
one of the Theatre Guild for the '33-'34 season . . . 
a touch of tragedy added to the run of comedies 
. . . some expressionism to take us, for a while, out 
of the realm of realism . . . plenty of music 
thrown in . . . and, something different, an orien- 
tal panorama interrupting the occidental sequence. 

MASK AND BAUBLE had to have its Homecoming 
show . . . and there were only three weeks in which to pro- 
duce one ... it had to be such entertainment as would 
attract the mentally intoxicated alums as well as the pro- 
fessorial contingent of Guild followers ... so Gold in the 
Hills was the choice ... a good choice ... the banking 
holiday retarded its success upon its first showing last spring 

. . . too much other entertainment held back its financial 
success at Homecoming . . . but the show was good . . . real 
melodrama . . . most of last spring's ca'st went into a hur- 
ried huddle and came out with a splendid performance . . . 
many thanks due the patience of Wes Swanson . . . 

WALDO WALTZ was typically a villian . . . 
mustache especially . . . yeah, it stuck clear through 
the show . . . Dick Radl was fine — no, we can't go 
on like that . . . everybody, everything was great 
. . . and what audiences saw it thought so, too. 

MUSIC, music ever>-\vhere . . . Gold and Good Morn- 
ing, Dearie were full of it . . . music is an important part 
of the atmosphere in the Chinese Yelloiv Jacket, which 
Mask and Bauble is bringing out next week-end ... in De- 
cember Arepo will present Pagliacci . . . and Mozart's 
Impressario on the same program . . . the Woman's League 
annual show will be another musical comedy . . . and Arepo 
will have a Gilbert and Sullivan opera in May. 


Irene Dunne and Walter Huston in 

"Ann Vickers" 

THUR. Thru FRI.— Joel McCrea in 

"Chance at Heaven" 

Gertrude Avery's Diamond Revue 
On the Stage 



(and Special Midnite Show Saturda.v) 

"This Nude World" 

TUES. Thru THURS.— .\dolphe Menjou in 

"Worst Woman in Paris" 

FRI. and S.A.T. Sally Filers in 

"Walls of Gold" 



A Dash of Red Upon the Lips 

"In past ages beauty was a rare gift from the gods, but 
today any woman can be beautiful if she keeps a dash of 
red upon her lips." — Beauty Notes. 

By Ellen Rynicker 

Those women who in song and in men's hearts 
Made music to enchant the years away, 
Who by their beauty conquered far-flung parts 
And held strong kings beneath their beauty's sway, 
How they lie shuddering now so white and cold 
In dark recesses of their buried crypts, 
To all the world their magic secret told, — 
It's just a dash of red upon the lips. 

When Helen came to storied Troy she found 
Herself alone as worthy of the prize 
Of beauty. There no faces to astound 
The spoiled Paris, there no lips, no eyes. 
Andromaka, Cassandra, and the rest. 
Their charms would never lannch a thousand ships. 
They didn't know (and Helen thus was blest) 
About the dash of red upon the lips. 


(Continued from Page 18) 

R. K. O. Orpheiim 

THIS NUDE WORLD gives you the naked truth 
about the nudist movement which has been rating so much 
space in the papers these days. 

This picture broke a fifteen year attendance 
record at the Castle Theatre in Chicago. There 
are hundreds of characters "in the flesh" on dis- 
play here. 

Rial to 

Physioluscious Geometry." You will be fascinated 
by the number of angles from which you can study 
their curves. 

Octavia, the haughty and the cold, 
Lost by the length of an Egyptian nose 
Mark Anthony's affections, so t'is told, 
And added to her sorrow and her woes. 
How different would her fate have been if she 
Had known the precept that so lightly slips 
In beauty hints, — to keep continually 
A little dash of red upon the lips. 

Ninon d'Enclos, and fair Heloise, 
Dante's Beatrice, more tender than the morn, 
Divine Francesca, and along with theses, 
Recamier, and Du Barry with her scorn. 
All are betrayed and turned to sodden dust. 
As chattering women vaunt between their sips 
Of tea how in one thing they put their trust, — 
That little dash of red upon the lips. 

Rising to damn those who have stolen their thunder. 
Who match their rarest charms with well-known secrets. 
Come dear, dear Emma, filled with aching wonder, 
And Anne Boleyn, and Caro Lamb (she frets) 
And exquisite erdita, in despair. 
Ungraciously they give their beauty tips, 
"The only thing one needs to make one fair 
Is just a dash of red upon the lips." 

Women, they charge you as your duty dire, 
Forget the wrinkles and the spreading hips, 
Beauty is simple, — to set the world afire 
Just have a dash of red upon your lips. 


"Why did you kiss that young man last night?" 
"To protect my reputation. He said he'd go out with 
the maid tomorrow if I didn't." 


From the neck down a man is worth about $1.50 a day. 
From the neck up, ah, that's up to you. 


Who is the young lady with whom Bob Gopel dances 
during election times? — election times only, you understand. 

For Your Entertainment 

(Continued from Page 2) 

mini Twilight Concert. University or- 
chestra, directed by Fredric B. Sti- 
ven ; glee clubs; soloists and groups. 
5-5:30 P. M., Wednesday. 

Violin Melodies. By Harold Wich and 
Carolyn Harriman Bert. 5-5:15 P. M., 

Violin Miniatures. Classical and semi- 
classical, by Arthur E. Cohen. 5-5:15 
P. M., Friday. 

Works of the Masters. Selected phono- 
graph records. 10-11 A. M., Saturday. 




December 15 

Other Programs 

The Story Book. Selected fiction. 10:30- 
11 A. M., Monday thru Friday. 

Weekly Sports Review. "Weenie" Wilson. 
11:50-12 Noon, Monday. 

Hour of the Spoken Word. Plays, de- 
bates, readings (Division of Speech) 
5-5:45 P. M., Tuesday. 

Humorous and Dramatic Readings. Miss 
Dories C. Stutzman. 10-10:15 A. M., 

Illinois Union Campus Hour. Entertain- 
ment for those who stay at home 
week-end nights. 11-12 Midnight, 
Friday and Saturday. 

Note: WILL will broadcast all home 
football games. 



JVe Have the Largest Showing of 
These Goads 

Penoants, Jewelr) 
Book Ends, Song Books 

Shields, Ash Trays, 

Banners and Blankets 

Stationary, Etc. 

U. of I. Supply Store 

The Co-Op 
Green and ^^'right Streets. Champaign, 111. 

Fo7'^et the ''Bunk" 

Go to 



Git Pictures U'itli<iut 
the Usual 


■■■ isan 
feature of 






Well old deer I'm all settled — 
pledged — like the gang at the 
house — met the sweetest fresh- 
man and took her to Bradle\ 
Friday night. 

I'm not bothering you with my 
soiled linen either — I take it 
dawn to kaptain Klean's Laun- 
dry Depot at SO.S S. 6th and get 
a ZO'^r Cash and Carry Discount 
— take m\- cleaning and pressing 
there too. 

Love to vou all. W rite soon. 



P. S. — Thank dad for letting me come 
to Illinois it's wonderful. 

ER says, "If 1 were giv- 
ing one simple rule for 
successful billiard play, I 
should say, 'Watch your 
nerves!' That's why I've 
smoked Camels for years. 
They never upset my 
nervous system." 


twice 18.2 balk-line billiard cham- 
pion of the world. Healthy nerves 
have carried him successfully 
through the sternest international 
competition to many titles. 

calls for more Camels. Steady 
smoking reveals the true quality 
of a cigarette. Camels keep right 
on tasting mild, rich and cool . . . 
no matter how many you smoke. 


Steady Smokers turn to Camels 

"I know of no sport," says Erich Hagen- 
locher, "that places a greater strain on 
the nerves than tournament billiards. The 
slightest inaccuracy can ruin an important 
run. One simple rule for success is, 'Watch 
your nerves!' I have smoked Camels for 
years. I like their taste better and because 
they're milder, they never upset my ner- 
vous system. ' ' 

There 7s a difference between Camel's 
costlier tobaccos and the tobaccos used in 
other popular cigarettes. You'll notice the 
difference in taste and in mildness— and 
Camels never jangle your nerves. You can 
prove this yourself. Begin today! 


Camels are made from 
tobaccos than any other 
popular brand. They give 
more pleasure. Your own 
taste will confirm this. 

Copyright. 1033, 
R. J. Reynolds Tobacco Company 

CEC 20 i^3d 

those are my dogs 

a short story by 

wils gaddis 






Greston Foster 




Twentv Cents 






Eddie Woods, twice all-round cowboy 
champion at the famous Calgary Stampede, 
"top hand" of the cowboy world, says: 

"Ten seconds on the back of an outlaw 
horse is about the hardest punishment for 
a man's nerves that anybody can imagine. 
To have nerves that can take it, I smoke 
only Camels. I've tried them all, but Camels 
are my smoke! They have a natural mild- 
ness that appeals to me, and I like their 
taste better. Most important of all. Camels 
do not jangle my nerves, even when I light 
up one Camel after another. ' ' 

« * « 

If you are nervous... inclined to "fly off the 
handle". . . change to Camels. Your own 
nerves and taste will confirm the fact that 
this milder cigarette, made from costlier 
tobaccos, is better for steady smoking. 


riding. Even if 
I am not in the 
class I need 
healthy nerves. 
And Camels 
are the mildest 
cigarette I 
know !" 

Camels are made from finer, 
than any other popular brand. 




Copyright, 1933. 

R. J. Reynolds 

Tobacco Company 

December, 1933 

Chi O: You've got to hand it to 
the Dekes when it comes to loving. 

Alpha Chi : Not the one I was out 
with last night. 

I once loved a girl named Carlotta, 
Than a boiler-room she was much hotta. 
Then I got in a jam 
And decided to scram. 
But her father explained I should notta. 
— Allan Kazunas. 


The inimitable Mr. George Hays, famous for being a 
Sig Pi and number 47 on the printed lineup, likes to eat. 
sleep, and exercise at hours ordained by his omnipotent self. 
Consequently, when a female called him to the phone rather 
early one Sunday morning (about 2:30, so they say), Mr. 
Hays was slightly out of sorts, and when that same person 
refused to identify herself — well, imagine the state of Mr. 
Hays' temper. At any rate, after a conversation which lasted 
iiigh onto half an hour, our boy George became impatient. 
Whereupon, the young lady asked, "Did I get you out of 
bed, Georgie?" 

Georgie growled a "Yes, you did." 

"That's all I wanted to know," came the reply, "Good- 

Although I've loved you long and deeply, 
I've loved a hundred others, too; 
So why should I wear rue and mourning 
Because I'm unbeloved by you? 
I'll meet another with eyes more blue 
And a line that's not so stale; 
But I'll never meet a man I'll love. 
Who can hold me like a jail. 

— Sans Souci. 

Remember, my dear, that cold, blue sky; 
And the sun awakened the dawn. 
I uttered no word, but only a sigh — 
That sigh, my dear, was a yawn. 

All Hell was in an uproar; 

The roaring fires waxed hot ; 

The WELCOME curled up on the mat — 

A Theta downed a "shot." 

"Lay down, pup! Lay down!" ordered the man. "Good 
doggie — lay down, I say!" 

"You'll have to say 'Lie down,' mister," declared a 
small bystander. "That's a Boston terrier." 

"Did you hear the story about the honest gold digger?" 


"Well let me know when you do." 

"Why were you so angry when that motorcycle cop 
pulled away from your car last night? Did he give you a 

"No, I was sore 'cause he had to go back to work." 

Here's to the girl that eats like a canary — by the peck. 


STAY, said the corset. 
HOLD, said the strap. 
SNAP, went the hook. 
And the fat lady sat. 


She had such an innocent face. 

He wondered how he could begin. 

So he ran his fingers through her hair. 
And softly stroked her chin. 

He spoke of the bright stars and moon, 
And blossoms so tenderly growing. 

Of the birds and the murmuring brooklets, 

Till she said: "Cut the stall, and get going!" 

— Allan Kazunas. 


For your entertainment 


I5(.c. 17 — Orchesis Christmas dance pro- 

Dec. 21— Junior Prom. Music by Hal 
Kemp and Orchestra from the Black- 
hawk, Chicago. 

Coming in January and February: Sopho- 
more Cotillion, Freshman Frolic, and 
Military Ball. 


Bradley Hall, over Hanley's on Wright, 

Dancing every Friday and Saturday 
night. Dick Shelton's orchestra. The two 
Campus Scouts, Cohen and Blanchard. 
Vocalists. Sponsored by the Illinois Union. 

College Inn, Fourth and Green, Cham- 

Park, over Prehn's-on-Green, Cham- 

Robeson Roof Garden, 125 West 
Church, Champaign. 


Bid well Better Candy Shop, 619 South 
Wright, Champaign. 

Green Tea Pot, 617 East Green, Cham- 

Hanley's, 713 South Wright, Cham- 

J. C.'s Coffee Shop, 1118 West Oregon, 


Kamerer's, 602 East Daniel, 608 East 
Daniel, Champaign. 

Prehn's-on-Oregon, 1117 West Oregon, 

Prehn's-on-Green, 601 East Green, 

Prehn's on-Daniel, 614 East Daniel, 

Rustic Inn, 8 Main, Champaign. 

Southern Tea Room, 624 East Green, 

Tavern, 512 South Neil, Champaign. 

Tea Garden, 14 Main, Champaign. 


Crystal Lake Park, North Race, Urbana. 


First Imbiber — I found (hie) a 
half dollar. 

Second Inebriate— Itsh mine, itsh 
got my name on it. 

Whatsh your name ? 

Y.. Pluribus Unum. 

Yeah, itsh yoursh. 

— Georgia Tech Yelloiv Jacket. 


We thought they were over — 
The days we once knew, 
Of barflies and barmaids; 
It seemed sad but true. 
Yet, now we feel thankful 
We're happy again. 
"Good liquor is back 
For the solace of men." 

Now we can have cognac 
Along with our beer, 
With never the warning, 
"The 'G' men are here." 
We can all patriotically 
Drink now and then, 
"Good liquor is back 
For the solace of men." 

Let's all go to Jack's, boys; 
He's setting them up, 
He's selling the best stuff 
At two bits a cup. 
No more will spiked sodas 
Be cure for our yen; 
"Good liquor is back 
For the solace of men." 

— Marion V. Corliss. 

She looked worn out, pale, fright- 
ened and generally mussed up after 
the Prom. 

"What happened?" asked her 
room-mate. "Was the car going too 

"No," she said. "But the driver 


— Punch Bowl. 

"What's a censor?" 

"A censor is a person that can see 
three meanings to a joke that only 
has two meanings." 

—Red Cat. 



R. K. O. Virginia 
Coming following vacation. Lillle Women, 
Katharine Hepburn starring in the 
film version of Louisa M. Alcott's 
famous novel. Also Joan Bennett, 
Frances Dee, Jean Parker, Douglass 
Montgomery, and Paul Lukas. 



Dec. 17-20. Havana Widows, with Joan 
Blondell, Guv Kibbee, Glenda Far- 
rell, Frank McHugh, and Allen Jen- 

Dec. 21-23. From Headquarters, starring 
George Brent and Margaret Lindsay. 

Dec. 24-30 (One week). Alice in Wonder- 
land, with Charlotte Henry as Alice, 
and a long string of stars which in- 
cludes Richard Arlen, Gary Cooper, 
W. C. Fields, Edna May Oliver, May 
Robson, and many others. 

Dec. 31 thru Jan. 6 (one week). The 
Four Marx Brothers in Duck Soup. 
(Previews on Page 19) 


Dec. 15 and 16 — Paggliacci, by Lconca- 
valo. Grand Opera, produced by 
Arepo. Miss Kathryn Janie Sutherlin, 

Jan. 12— Albert Spalding, violinist. A 
Star Course number. 

Peb. 21 — St. Louis Symphony Orchestra. 
Matinee and Evening. A Star Course 

Mar. 8, 9, and 10— T/ie Adding Machine, 
an expressionistic drama by Elmer 
Rice. Produced by Mask and Bauble. 
Mr. Wesley Swanson, director. 



Dec. 16 — Illinois Wesley an here. 
Dec. 22 — Washington at St. Louis. 
Dec. 29 — Knox at Galesburg. 
Dec. 30 — Augustana at Moline. 
Jan. 3 — Missouri here. 
Jan. 6 — Wisconsin here. 
Jan. 8 — Purdue at Lafayette. 
Jan. 13— Chicago at Chicago. 
Jan. 15 — Iowa at Iowa City. 

Jan. 20 — Northwestern here. 

Feb. 6 — Bradley here. 

Feb. 10 — Indiana here. 

Feb. 12 — Chicago here. 

Peb. 17 — Wisconsin at Madison. 

Peb. 19 — Northwestern at Evanston. 

Peb. 2-1 — Indiana at Bloomington. 

Feb. 26 — Iowa here. 

Mar. 5 — Purdue here. 

December, 1933 


The girl of my dreams 
Is an Alpha Xi Delt, 

Or a Theta, I'm really not sure. 
But I know that her form 
Is seductive and warm, 

Though she acts just a trifle demure. 

Her features may be 
Fair or dark, for you see, 

In dreams one can never know. 
In nocturnal embrace 
I don't notice her face ; 

Still the lobes of her pink ears might show. 

Her smooth clinging dress 
Is of satin, I guess. 

But I'm not a Poiret or LeLong. 
Yet in spite of these doubts 
You can still hear my shouts 

That I certainly go for her strong. 

— I /I tun Jri. 


Grand opera returns to the campus this week-end, as 
Arepo bravely presents the Italian masterpiece, Pagliacci. 
sung in the original tongue. But Miss Kathryn Janie Suth- 
erlin, formerly with the Chicago Civic Opera company, is 
confidant that the many weeks of rehearsals have produced 
a performance which will please linguists as well as those 
who have no understanding of spoken Italian. 

That the Arepo production will not be amateurish has 
been insured by the presence of experienced singers in tlie 
leading roles. Libero Monachesi, director of music at Cham- 
paign high school, has the tenor lead of Canio, the enraged 
actor who slays his wife. Nedda (played by Eileen Jasper) 
because of her devotion to Sil\io. 

Lament of a Blue Student 

I wish I wore a Phi Bete key 

Upon my burning breast. 

I wish that I could always be 

Like campus smoothies dress'd, 

Who saunter down the Broadwalk broad 

With cane and quaint cravat. 

As though in big-shots' steps they trod. 

(Alas! I'm crude and fat!) 

To be a model college-man 

I ever do aspire. 

To bear an athlete's gorgeous tan 

Is, too, my heart's desire! 

I cannot dance, my voice is bad. 

My books are far above me, 

Oh, lack-a-day, my life is sad — 

My girl has ceased to love me! 


"Do you prefer blondes or brunettes?" 

"I'd be satisfied with six of one and a half dozen of the 


"I'm through being your secretary. I resign." 

"But haven't I always treated vou like a gentleman 

"Yes — that's why." 

J list one of the many hits you will see 
after your Christmas vacation . . . 

BOOK AND lt\EI ■ . . I 

in AtiicricA's 
[)cst loved 



o o C 



'"4 '^i 





Published by and for the Students of the 
University of Illinois 

^ DECEMBER, 1933 

Cover Design by Jim Will 
For Your Entertainment — Places to go, things to do Page 2 

A Toast to Repeal Page 5 

Allan Kazunas Illustration by Betty Murdoch 

Those Are My Dogs — A short story Page 6 

WiLS Gaddis Illustrated by Cliuck Flac/imann 

Scampus Scandal — The loicdoivn ns men see it Page 8 

Creston Foster 

Junior Prom — Meet the hig shots Page 10 

Love Unrequited — xi short short story Page 11 

Gretchen Nardine 

War is Hell — J humorous feature Page 12 

Laurie W. Kanaga Illustrations by Field Beam 

The Junior Prom — In fiction and as it really is Page 13 

The Duke 

Shake This Up — A dirt concoction from the feminine vini'point Page 15 

The Saga of Mortimer Botts, Chapter II — A narrative poem Page 18 

Allan Kazunas Illustrated by Rosemary Miller 

Theatre Previews — (Joming attractions on the screen Page 19 


O C 


A nnouncenient 

The Siren invites your co-opera- 
tive criticism, suggestions, 
and contributions. 

Staji on Page 14 

Volume XXIV. Number 2. Published bi-monthly during the college year by the Illini Publishing Company, Illinois Union Building, Cham- 
paign, Illinois. John D. Tedford, editor. Wilbur J. Thompson, business manager. Editorial and business offices, basement, Illinois I'nion 
Building. Twenty cents the copy. Entered as second-class matter at the Post Office at Urbana, Illinois, by act of Congress, March 3, 1879. 
Copyright 1933, The Siren. Exclusive reprint rights of all material under five hundred words granted recognized college humor magazines. 

December, 19.y3 



To bath-tub gin 
We used to snift. 
That sold at tivo bucks 
For a fifth — 
Farewell ! 

To cokes that reeked 
Of fusel oil, 
To beer they spiked, 
That made us boil — 
Farewell ! 

To "wines" they called 
Bordeaux or Port, 
To Champagnes of 
The "bi-carb" sort — 
Farewell ! 

So raise your glasses 
For repeal ; 
We drink a toast 
To stuff that's real. 


those are my dogs 

III might still be happy in the 
companionship of his books and 
his dogs, had it not been for four 
things: 1. Marcia Pell's pledging 
Theta. 2. The location of the Theta 
house right across the street from 
Gamma U, where abode John Paul. 
3. Marcia's "toy" Pekingese. 4. 

But I guess I'm getting ahead of 
my story. 

John Paul Sylvester III had spent 
three orderly, proper years at State, 
and never, during that academic 
period, had anything transpired to 
disturb the upright, scholarly young 
character that was John Paul Syl- 
vester III. 

He was a brother in excellent 
standing at the Gamma U house. He 
had been one of those flawless 
pledges who do all the work. No one 
ever had to "swing" on him, 
is doubtful if his own paddle had 
ever served as anything save an orn- 
amental piece on the east wall of his 

And "The Third's" grades were 
of the best and as welcome to the 
tottering G U average as love to a 

The only wrinkles of sadness that 
ever bestrode the thoughtful coun- 
tenance of John Paul were etched 
there after the first semester grades 
came out during his sophomore year. 
We inquired into the cause of his 
grief, venturing the delicate sugges- 
tion that a fond relative had made an 
untimely demise. 

He shook his head sadly. "No, it's 
not that. But I've dropped down to 
a 4.5 this semester. I knew I'd been 
running around too much!" 

We saved our guffaws for later. 
John Paul, so far as we could re- 
call, had never looked at a girl with 
anything save scholarly speculation. 
True, he had once brought what we 
had termed with awe "a knockout" 
to the house for Sunday dinner. He 
introduced her calmly as his sister, 
Mary Ellen, "who," he explained 
carefully "is visiting a Theta friend 
here over the week-end." That was 


his only venture into feminine so- 
ciety. John Paul did not drink. John 
Paul swore but little. John Paul did 
not smoke. John Paul did naught but 

What, then, was John Paul's 
weakness? Haven't you guessed? 
Well, then, the answer is "Dogs!" 

When we met John Paul Sylves- 
ter III, rushee, at the train, he was 
assuring the porter in his bland, be- 
spectacled manner that that harassed 
menial would have no more worries 
from thence on. We waited expect- 
antly and saw a huge police dog, a 
superb Great Dane, and two frisky 
terriers issue from the Pullman. 

"My God!" exclaimed Harry 
Watkins, "are we rushing a zoo?" 

Well, it amounted to that, as we 
found out later, but after a few 
murmurs of protest at first by the 
less affable members of the house, the 
fraternity adopted the dogs to its 
heart. It was nothing out of the ordi- 
nary after that to stumble over their 
reclining or leisurely moving bodies 
anyvvhere in the house, and they be- 
came so much the usual thing that 
Ernie Porter even complained of 
"dreaming about those damned 

John Paul was greatly attached to 
his canine quartet, and when the 
youngest terrier ate Joe Young's box 
of rum-filled chocolates and immedi- 
ately had violent gastronomic up- 
heavals, nothing would do but that 
John Paul must sit up with him all 
night and administer the hourly 
doses of medicine prescribed by a 
skeptical vet. One of the pledges even 
offered to do it, for everyone liked 
John Paul. But it was a deed of love, 
and "The Third" performed it and 
thereby accumulated interesting awn- 
ing-like pouches under his eyes — for 
his hours were usually most regular. 

All of which may not appear to 
have much bearing on why John 
Paul's senior year was unlike any of 

December, 1933 

by wils gaddis 

Illustration by Chuck Flachmann 

the other three, but it does. Oh, yes! 

The first hint of what is known 
in dramatic circles as "a situation" 
came when the phone jangled one 
noon, and the pledge who answered 
it was told by a vexed feminine 
voice: "This is Marcia Pell at the 
Theta house. I want to know why 
you Gamma U's can't keep your dogs 
at home. It seems like you have a 
whole army of 'em an\-\vay. And they 
are annoying my FuFu!" 

The pledge started to explain that 
the dogs belonged to one John Paul 
Sylvester III, and that he. the pledge, 
did not have personal custody of 
them, but he got no further than an 
"Uh — " when the receiver clicked at 
the other end of the wire with an 
astonishing air of finality. So the 
pledge, being a pledge, went right 
into the dining room and announced 
to John Paul in not the most inaudi- 
ble tones possible what the irritated 
female had said anent the Sylvester 
hounds. The word spread around the 
house, and poor John Paul was 
"FuFu" for several days. 

It was a bitter lesson for one of 
John Paul's temperament, and con- 
sequently the Sylvester pooches did 
not roam far from the house for sev- 
eral weeks thereafter. They were 
forcibly detained by chains, har- 
nesses, and good strong locks. Their 
kennels knew them much — so much 
that a soft-hearted pledge, wearjnng 
of their yelpings and whinings, 
turned them all loose one day. That 
was along in February — toward the 
end of that month of slushy snow. 

Now the first thing that the Great 
Dane espied upon gaining his new 
freedom was the tiny, fluffy chassis 
of little FuFu disappearing into the 

Theta mansion. A playful mood was 
the Dane's that day, and so he took 
out on his errand of muss and fuss, 
bent to pull some pin feathers from 
the fragile canine. 

Sensing good sport ahead, the 
other three dogs followed the huge 
one, who disappeared into the Theta 
house through an open door. The tiny 
flul?. by this time thoroughly scared, 
started in petite pell-mell fashion up 
the Theta stairs with the four Syl- 
vester hounds in full cry close be- 

Snow, slush, and FuFu's feathers 
flew. The only sad part of the whole 

thing was that the Theta girls could 
not realize that it was all in fun, 
least of all, Marcia. It took the 
Theta porter a good quarter of an 
hour to rid the house of the yelping 
quartet, and that same irritated dark 
one the rest of the afternoon to make 
the house presentable again. 

It was a very angry Marcia who 
called the Gamma U house that eve- 
ning and asked in haughty tones to 
speak to "the owner of those awful 

It was a shaken John Paul Syl- 
vester III who answered the phone 
and confessed to the ownership of 
the four culprits. 

It was a completely routed John 
Paul who listened to the torrent of 
expletives from the fair Marcia, des- 
cribing his dogs, their afternoon's 
misdeeds, and, last of all, "anyone 
(Continued on Page 20) 

John Paul Sylvester III 

had but one weakness 

. . . dogs. 



By Creston Foster 

The Delta Gams have more dates after 10:30 during 
week nights than they do at any other time . . . The house 
mother at the AOPi residence says that she lets the girls 
come in the front door, and after the first few times they 
don't stay out late. 

Anyway, Dotty Davis from the Delta Gam house and 
Colorado, who has lerve for Paul Smith, Psi U, lost her 
badge and so did Paul. Now Dotty has found hers but Paul 
can't find his . . . The phone rang at the Delta Gam house 
the other morning at 4:30 A. M., and one of the girls who 
happened to be coming it at that time answered it. A 
brother's voice said, "Will you please send Paul Smith 

And Alary Gerinaine, who is also from this house, has 
a picture of Dick Cisne which is signed, "Do you follow 
me, Mary?" Do you Mary? 

Howie Hart man, PiKA, has done something that few 
do, or ever try to do . . . He has his pin on two girls . . . 
He didn't do it with mirrors either — just used his brother's 
pin. The two girls are striking contrasts . . . One an Alpha 
Chi, a sweet young thing, and why shouldn't she be, has 
the pin which was borrowed . . . while Fran Caldivell, 
Chi O, has the real thing . . . and she got it the day before 
she went to the Columbus game with Howie . . . Fran took 
a pint of alcohol along with her to the game . . . Both girls 
like Howie a lot and wouldn't think of giving him up . . . 
Each wants him to take his pin off the other girl . . . We 
would like to diagram this, but cuts cost money . . . 

And what are the two boys Blnnchard and Wilbur doing 
these days? Well, Lowell has fallen in love . . . Her name 
is Helen House, Tri-Delt . . . and a very nice girl, may 

-Mr. Blanchard 

we add . . . Marie Handschuh is also on the list 
Mort is busy reading his fan mail . . . 

Here's what we call conceit . . . Mike King came in 
the other day and said . . . "You know Alarg Steele (Kappa 
transfer), seems to have narrowed her choice down to one 
man." So we ask, "And who is it?" Mike replies, brazen- 
ly, "Oh, I guess I am the one." Just keep right on guessing 
Mike . . . 

Dance committees are funny things . . . Can you tell 
who was co-chairman of the Charity Ball with Ray Kuhcc 
. . . not unless you're real smart . . . Chuck Otto was the 
man . . . Funny how we only heard Ray's name mentioned 
. . . His speech the night of the ball was wonderful . . . 
He said in a sincere voice, "I worked awfully hard, and 1 
hope you appreciate it." Have always wondered where the 
clothing check money from proms goes . . . 

We ought to have a hall of vain peacocks of the broad- 
walk . . . To which we could nominate Frank Sican . . . 
and Fitzgerald . . . they give lots of girls breaks and ask 
them for dates . . . 

Monte Smith, who had a lot to do with selecting the 
Junior Prom Queen, spent his Thanksgiving vacation en- 
tertaining a Kappa pledge, Margaret Zeigler. in Farmers 
City . . . 

— Margaret 

And if Fran Pride. Gamma Phi, wants to keep Houie 
Emrich a good boy, and she probably does, she had better 
not leave him in town over vacation week-ends . . . Howie 
can still make the town girls believe that he is a great 
lover . . . 

While we are speaking of great lovers, here's a nomina- 
tion for the biggest love 'em and leave 'em man on campus — 
Bill Anderson. Alpha Sig, who just at present has several 
gals dwaddling ... at the Pify house it's Fay Sullivan . . . 
and then there's Peggy Tiiyman at the Chi O house . . . 
We sort of like that name . . . He is also interested in Jane 
Chillicot at the Theta mansion. Isn't that enough. Bill . . . 
There's also something about a Kappa, but it seems that 
went pfft . . . Anyway, he gets around . . . 

. And 

Joe Norris. Pify ... is on a man hunt . . . she's been 
out of circulation so long that, well . . . it's just awfully 
(Continued on Page 18) 

December, 1933 




yji all the ways 

in ^vliicli tobacco is used 

the cigarette is the 

mildest form 

"\7^0U know, ever since the In- 

J- dians fount! out the pleasure 

of smoking tobacco, there have 

been many ways of enjoying it. 

But of all the ways in which 
tobacco is used, the cigarette is 
the mildest form. 

Evervthing that money can 
buv and everything that Science 
knows about is used to make 
Chesterfields. The tobaccos are 
blended and cross-blended the 
right wav — the cigarettes are 
made right — the paper is right. 

There are otlier good cigarettes, 
of course, but Chesterfield is 

the cigarette that's milder 
the cigarette that tastes better 


© 1953, Liggett & Myers Tobacco Cc. 

'jTtJ^S^^m' • j"^^ ^0' ^'^^"^ 



The Class of '33 Presents 



Men's New Gym — December 21 





Junior Class Officers 




Music by 


and his 

popular radio orchestra 
from Chicago 

With "Skinnay" Ennis and 
Deanne Janis 

Planning to Attend 

Who Will Be the 


Five Candidates Named at 
Prom Queen's Dance 


Alpha Delta Pi 

Alpha Omicron Pi 


Delta Gamma 

Phi Mil 


Woman s Group System 







Secretary to the U. S. Embassy 
at Tokio 



Soiiff Stylist 

featured with 

I Hal Kemp's Orchestra 

December, 1933 


Love Unrequited 



ELIZABETH McKay. I rem- 
inisced, was a practical ro- 
ronianticist if there ever was 
one, only I didn't know poetesses 
at the time. And I laughed as I re- 
membered how I used to think that 
romance was a monopoly of the im- 

I had been pretty much of a big 
shot on campus. More than one coed 
was resigned but regretful that I 
would not date any one girl to the 
exclusion of others — till I met Eliza- 
beth, that was. 

She sat next to me in history 2a — 
a small scale Mae West ^\-ith a fig- 
ure that seemed made for these slinky 
dresses that fit like wall-paper. But 
I didn't pay much attention to her 
till the day I had to borrow her 
notes to study for a quiz. 

She gave them to me with a wist- 
ful smile, as if in pleased expectancy 
that maybe I would notice her more 
now. It was the smile that won me, 
I think, and later, the timorous tone 
of her voice when she asked me 
whether I was handing her a line or 
whether I really loved her. Then 
there was the letter she wrote me at 
Christmas time — naive, almost pa- 
thetic, in its frank avowal. 

I used to read and reread it — 

"My dearest." it began with a 
parenthetical question mark after the 

"Already you know that I think 
you are the finest and nicest man in 
the world, that I love you ver\-, verj- 
much, and that your happiness means 
more to me than e\erybody and 
everything else put together. 

"I spend half my time trying to 
think up new ways to tell you. 

"My heart is like a belfr\- 
That rings my lo\e for you. 

I hope it finds an echo — 
I hope you love me too. 

"There's more, but Im afraid you 
would snicker — and I don't like to 
be snickered at. 

"All my love, 

'■p. S. Merry Christmas." 

I grinned at the postscript — it was 
so thoroughly typical, as if the whole 
world revolved around emotions, and 
everything that didn't was oft orbit 
and irrevelant. An engaging quality 
— but one that could prove very an- 
noying. And when I met Rosalie, so 
level-headed, so domestic, so obvious- 
ly devoted too, I sensibly decided for 
my own good, albeit reluctantly, to 
break it off with the more glamorous 

Elizabeth took it graciously — ^with 
an air of ultimate trgedy. as much as 
if to say that she blamed not me but 
an inexorable fate. Then pretty- soon 
she began dating Mark McCann. the 
publisher's son. and seemed to forget 
all about me. 

I, for my part, was a trifle cha- 
grined and resentful then, but aided 
by the persistent Rosalie, rationalized 
that it was all for the best. Elizabeth 
had been lovely, true — but she was 
too o\erwrought, too introspecrive. 
too inconsistent — and to my friends 
I referred to her with a studied at- 
titude of relief. Yet to be honest, I 
must admit that, in secret, I often 
sentimentalized and regarded her as 
a sort of modern Elaine. 

She had really suffered like the lily 
maid too. I now realized. Only she 
was not dpng and letting a poet 
capitalize on her broken heart. 

With mingled pleasure and em- 
barrassment I considered her other 
letter to me — the one I received just 
last week. It was rather disturbing, 
and I wondered whatever Rosalie 
would do when she found out. There 
was no way of keeping her from find- 

ing out, it appeared. For "Dear In- 
spiration," the fatal missive read: 

"So you and Rosalie are to be 
married. Congratulations! I'm so 
happy for you both. Inddentally, I'll 
dedicate Poems, Volume 2, to you 
now. The title is Unrequited-Love 
Laments. And is my face red ? But 
Mark says it's swell publicity, and 
I'm sure you two darlings won't 




The professor's secretary saw a 
magnificent blond carrying some 
papers enter the office smiling sweet- 

"Lissen, ya lousy co-ed," snarled 
the jealous secretary, "if you tr>- to 
muscle in on my territory, I'll plant 
you among the potatoes." 

■'Hell, don't mind me," answered 
the other, "I'm only the professor's 

— Alabama Rammer-Jammer. 

The drunk tottered along the 
curb. Several times he stumbled off 
into the gutter. Each time he clam- 
bered on the sidewalk. He did this 
for several minutes, finally stopping 
and exclaiming, "Thish is a pretty 
long stair\vay." 

— Jack-o'-Lantern. 



War Is Hell ! 

By Laurie W. Kanaga 


HOW CLP2ARLY I remember that sunshiny morning 
when Grandfather left to risk his gallant young life 
for the honor of the South. I remember I was sit- 
ting with my legs twined around a lamp post high above the 
streets, and I can still feel that thrill of pride that ran through 
my veins h'ke fire as Grandfather gallantly bent from the waist, 
meanwhile placing a kiss on the top of Grandmother's head. 
It was a doubly sad parting, for they were as yet unwed and 
Grandfather could not kiss her on the mouth, although I 
knew he wanted to. The melancholy jingling of his spurs sent 
a sad echo in my heart, and my little head was bowed as he 
disappeared around the corner, calling, "Giddap, Nellie," to 
his faithful gray mare. 

I knew the meaning of death. War had left its cruel mark 
upon me, young as I was. My knowledge of the grim reaper 
had come in a striking and never to be forgotten fashion. 
Grandmother had a large pig named Roscoe which she kept 
in the back yard and which I often watched with my large 
sad eyes as he rooted in the mud. One day some soldiers came 
to participate in our southern hospitality. I smelled the odor 
of something burning in the kitchen. The next day I asked for 
Roscoe. "He is dead," I was told. "He won't be back any- 
more." I cried for days over the empty, desolate pig pen. 

From that day on, I connected the war with death. I hated 

%\A l^arn 

I cried for days 
over the empty, 
desolate pig pen. 

it. Hadn't it taken Roscoe from me? My loath- 
ing never diminished, (^ne day, I remember, I 
was particularly bitter. I ran into Grand- 
mother's house. "War is Hell," I told her. I 
think some general must have heard me, for 
historians say that Sherman, or was it Grant, 
later said the same thing. 

Grandfather came home on leave one May 
morning about 10 minutes after we had finished 
a grand breakfast of ham and eggs. "Minnie," 
he said to Grandmother. Her name was Min- 
nie. "Minnie," he said, "Let's get married im- 
mediately, for" — and here I could see that deft 
touch of the true southern gentleman — "I must 
return soon and fight those dam' Yankees." You 
can imagine the surge of pride that welled with- 
in me. The wedding was thus settled. Father 
says that I can't remember the wedding, but I 
know I can. I can remember the speculative 
look with which Grandmother eyed the wed- 
ding ring as Grandfather slipped it on her fin- 
ger, and the way Grandfather kept trying to 
scratch the middle of his back all during the 

And then that magic Spring day after the 
fall of Vicksburg when the troops came march- 
ing home! I cheered that morning until my little 
vocal chords quivered like strings on a ukelele. In 
my excitement I snatched a flag that took two 
men to hold upright and waved it madly over 
my head. 

Those, mv friends, were the davs ! 

December, 1933 



A soft, silvery moonlight spread 
over the snow-covered campus as 
merry couples stepped gaily along, 
shouting to one another in the de- 
lightfully crisp winter evening air. A 
line of handsome cabs and nifty 
coupes purchased with those sur- 
pluses of earnings the young men had 
made selling bonds during the previ- 
ous summer, drove up to the cano- 
pied entrance of the Union ball 
room, and from them emerged velvet- 
clad belles and top-hatted college 
beaux, eager for this one big event 
in the winter social season — the jun- 
ior prom. 

Inside, youthful couples were 
swaying gracefully about to the 
strains of a beautiful waltz that pro- 
voked that certain throbbing in the 
heart. The ball room, with its deep 
red and blue tapestries and curtains, 
exquisite architectural forms, and 

soft lighting, .seemed to draw every- 
thing into harmony. 

Dick was dancing with Dorothy. 
He was most happy, for this was one 
evening .she would be his alone. By 
social tradition, her coterie of admir- 
ers would be kept at a distance. And 
Dorothy was his alone, he knew. She 
looked up at him sweetly as the 
music ended, and he drank in the 
beauty of her facial features. By 
mutual, unspoken consent, they left 
the main ball room and strolled into 
a secluded spot in the upper parlors. 
Here Dick took Dorothy into his 

"I love you, dear," he whispered. 

"I love you, too, Dick." 

And their lips met as they drew 
closer together. 

A biting northerly cut fancy ca- 
pers about the campus, chilling the 
swearing couples as they trudged 
along slushy sidewalks, the water 

.soaking through thin shoes to frozen 
feet, causing no end of discomfort. 
A string of rattly cabs, long outused 
in the big cities and then sent down 
to the small towns to die natural 
deaths, and a few cut-down automo- 
biles dumped out tiieir cargoes of al- 
ready slightly inebriated boys and 
girls in front of the gym. It was the 
night of that annual brawl — the jun- 
ior prom. 

Inside, a mob was cutting ca|X'rs to 
the blaring noise of a colored baml 
playing a hot, jazzed-up rhuniha. 
Girls swore as their partners stepped 
on their toes, and the fellows took 
out their spite by exchanging elbow 
jabs. The floor was too crowded to 
move about upon, and the interior of 
the gym, decorated with sliouting 
yellow and purple streamers, looked 
like a barn. 

Dick was pushing Dorothy around. 
He was in a helluva mood — and wh\- 
not? He had been turned down by 
Mary, Joan, and Ruth. They had 
had sense enough to get dates for a 
show and then a cozy lounge before 
the fireplace at home until 2:30. 
Dotty was a lousy dancer, and not so 
hot on looks. And she used baby talk. 

"Dotty's 'ittle Dicky is nice big 
mans," she said as he dragged her out 
onto the dark steps in the corridor to 
get his neck. 

It was dark enough that couldn't 
see her face. His hands sought her 
mechanically — and he kissed her. 
— The Dike. 

(A pdloyics to Burr). 


A man may kiss his wife goo(i-b\e. 
A tulip kiss a butterfly. 
And wine may kiss the grosted; 
But you, my friend — farewell. 

■ S 

In a cigarette it's taste — 

In an Austin it's impossible. 

A Kappa Mother Hubbard went to 

the cupboard, 
To get her swimming suit there; 
Though she looked like a peach, she 

was pincheti at the beach 
Because her cupboard was bare. 





Founded, 1912 


Associate Editorial Boakd 

jr Oman's Editor 


Art Editor 




Advertising Manager 

Adele Pohl Howard Sears 

Dorothy Blum 


Art Staff 

Jim Will Field Beam 

Rosemary Miller Ken McCain 

Marion V. Corliss Marcus V. Brewster 

Mary B. Atkinson 

Editorial Staff 

T. J. Henley Jeroma Wallace 

Milton Schuster Gretchen Nardine 
V. G. Musselman Lillian Saltzman 


mini Publishing Company 

Basement Union Building 


Hours: 3-3:30 Phone 4181 

All Material Copyrighted. 
Exclusive reprint rights of all copy under 
five hundred words granted to recognized 

college humor magazines. 

Staff Typists Wanted 
See Editor or Business Manager 

Circulation Manager 

Jay Mathis 


Eloise Ireland Howard Dixon 

Mary Jane Lotts 

THE SIREN, through the courtesy of the RIALTO THEATRE, offers ONE DOUBLE PASS for the best 
ORIGINAL joke, cartoon suggestion, limerick, light poem, or other form of humor not exceeding fifty (50) words length. 

AND another DOUBLE PASS for the best ORIGINAL humorous article or poem between fifty (50) and three 
hundred (300) words length. 

Entries observing these simple regulations will be favored: 

1. Write your name and address on each sheet of paper. 
3. Typewrite double space on one side of paper only. 

3. Entries must reach the editors not later than Four P. M., Thursday, January 25, 1934. 

4. Mark on each entry the class in which it belongs, thus: Class A, fifty words or under; 
Class B, fifty to three hundred words. 

5. Turn in as many entries in each class as you care to, but do not mix classes on any 
one page. 

6. This contest is open to all except the editor of The Siren and members of the Associate 
Editorial Board, who will act as judges and whose decisions will be final. 

7. Make carbon copies of your entries as The Siren cannot guarantee to return manu- 
scripts. The Siren reserves the right to publish any submitted entries prior to June 15. After 
that date, title to copy unpublished reverts to the author. 

Address Entries to: 

Editor, The Siren, Illinois Union Building, Champaign, Illinois, 
or leave them at The Siren office. 


December, 1933 


Shake This Up 

Bv Sterno 

Four mile limit — oh yeah — you can smell this drink any 
time and any place on campus ... 

Ginger Ale 
Wouldn't this get bubbles up your nose. Hal Kemp is 
plaung for the Junior Prom, but — once upon a time a con- 
tract was signed with Xoble Sisle, so "they" said ; then 
Donnie Roth saw Hal Kemp, free advertising, and sudden- 
ly the other contract was no more, and the hundred dollar 
bond put up by a non-medical "Doc" was laid to rest. Just 
what had George Le Calf to do with all this, or didn't he? 

Richard Hadley — oh yes — he's the Theatre Guild's new 
technical director with the nasty temper, who chases the 
poor innocents from behind stage. NUTS! And after all 
that talk, Pierrot didn't take in girls. Perhaps it was the 
doing of Prof. Weirick, and perhaps of a certain member 
who never did like girls. 

Hard Liquor 
Dick Cisne is now promoting in the ILLINI office. 


At a dinner last month over in the Kappa Sig house, 
some one took Lenore Scharschug down and gave her a 
good paddling. It was her birthday, but one girl was heard 
to say that it wasn't the first time Scharschie had been 
slammed. And now she wants to meet the man who owns 
the paddle. 

This was only told to me, and m\' lawyer tells me not 
to squeal. I quote Steve Shoemacker looking in the window 
of the Paul Stone studio. "Oh, well, this is just another 
place I can see your smiling face." Isn't the Chi Psi house 
still another? 

What won't the\ think of next? Dick Phillips over at 
the Z. B. T. house called home last week, but he didn't 
only reverse the charges — he's now collecting money from 
all his relatives, and trunks of new clothes from his family. 
Illinois doesn't know it as yet, but Dick made the highest 
grades in the entering group this year, and was just elected 
the president of the freshman class. "And of course. Mother 
dear, I just have to be the best dressed man." 


a NEW 




What a mixture! It's really a gin and gitters. 

who boufiht tobacco 
that bit his tongue 
would have a right to 
feel sore — in more 
ways than one. He 
would not buy that 
brand again. 

Any manufacturer 

who sold tobacco that 
would bite the tongue 
would be "sore" too 
— because he could 
not stay in business. 

• • • 

Nobody is interested 
in tobacco that bites 
the tongue. 

But from all the shout- 
ing that's going on 
about mildness, one 
would think that this nation of he-man pipe 
smokers was about to take to packing its 
briars with corn silk or pulverized ticker tape. 

Experieoced pipe smokers know their tobaccos. 
But you young men who are about to take up 
pipe smoking should know that it is easy to pro- 
duce an almost tasteless smoking tobacco by 
using tasteless and colorless tobaccos. If you 
want to revel in the delightful taste and aroma 
of good tobacco, you must have tobacco flavor. 

We ask you to try Edgeworth because it has 
mildness plus flavor. That combination is not 
easy to produce. The highest quality burley 
tobacco money can buy is in Edgeworth. Only 
the tenderest leaves are used — and they are the 
mildest pipe tobacco leaves that grow. Years 
ago we found the way to produce this mild- 
flavor blend, and it has been a success. Its 
flavor has carried it around the world. Before 
you decide on a pipe tobacco, please do not fail 
to give Edgeworth a trial. 

Convenient sizes from \5i pocket package to pound humidor 
tin. Made and guaranteed bv l^rus & Bro. Co., Richmond, \ a. 






(A Play in a Prologue, an Epilogue 
and No Acts) 
Note — The action of the prologue 
takes place in the naughty, naughty 
days of the Mauve Decade. The 
time of the epilogue is today, or 
maybe it's next week, or the day after 


(A young man and a young 
woman are seated in a garden. The 
moon is shining down from above, 
and smiling benignly upon the young 
man, who is kneeling at the feet of 
his lady fair.) 

He — I realize that I have only 
known you for six years, my flower. 
Nevertheless, even in so short a time 
I have come to realize that you are 
the epitome of loveliness and sweet- 
ness. Without further ado, therefore, 
I would deem it a very great honor, 
indeed, if you would favor me by 
being my companion at the Promen- 

She — I shall discuss the matter 
with my parents, James. Both my 
father and my mother look favorably 
upon you, James, so that despite the 
short duration of our acquaintance, 
they may permit me to attend the 
Promenade with you. At any rate, 
my final answer shall be ready with- 
in a fortnight. 
He — Darling! 



(A young man is standing beside 
a baby grand piano, shaking a cock- 
tail shaker vehemently. Standing on 
the piano is a young woman, who is 
busily engaged in doing a new dance 

He — Gee, babe, when'd you come 

She — Oh, about ten minutes ago. 

He — I'm Jim. What's your name, 

She— Kitty. 

He — I think you're swell, Kitty. 
How about goin' to the Prom with 
me tomorrow night? 

She— Oke! 

— Punch Bowl. 


* * 










Element : Woman. 

Occurrence : Found wherever man 
exists. Seldom in the free state, with 
few exceptions in the combined 

Physical Properties: All colors, 
sizes, shapes, and ages. Usually in 
disguised condition. Face covered 
with a film of composite material. 
Boohoos at nothing and may freeze 
at any moment ; however, melts when 
properly treated. Very bitter if not 
well used. 

Chemical Properties: Very active, 
possesses a great affinity for gold, sil- 
ver, platinum, precious stones, or 
anything of value. Violent reaction 
when left alone. Ability to absorb ex- 
pensive food at any time. Undissolved 
by liquids, but activity greatly stim- 
ulated when treated with spirits so- 
lution. Sometimes yields to pressure. 
Turns green when placed beside a 
more handsome specimen. Ages very 
rapidly, usually getting into perma- 
nently enlarged state. Fresh variety 
has great magnetic attraction. 

Caution : Highly explosive when 
in unexperienced hands. 

— Exchange. 

■ S 

People who carry glass bottles 
shouldn't sit on stone benches. 

— Shoii'iiie. 


I lamps a swell coil on the Ave- 
nue one fine afternoon so I starts a 
pick-up. She leads me in cycles but 
finally winds up in a beauty shop 
where I tries to make connections. 
There I spots a gal annode who says 
she knows the stranger. Says her 
friend's name is Mag and that as a 
favor she'll induce me to this dame 
Mag, when I says I'd like to meter. 
When Mag was through it was easy 
to see they had tried to transformer 
circuits, but even if they hadn't al- 
tered any lines they certainly made 
Mag neater. After an induction I 
was positive we were gonna click, so 
I says I'll conductor ohm. I notices 
how light she is on her feet and says 
"Juice like to dance tonight?" 

In the negative, she answers that 
although she likes to volts, tonight 
she is twired. 

Later we sits together in an arm- 
ature. Her resistance is high and she 
thinks my behavior is shocking even 
if I do need an outlet. 
"Try to kill it," she says. 
"Your wicked erg." 

Then we switches the conversa- 
tion. The clock soon strikes twelve 
and who should ampere but the old 
man who says occilate for any spark- 
ing. When I refuses to leave his in- 
dignition rises, so with great power 
he makes contact with my extension, 
as if a filament any harm. I was 
gonna call a copper and have him 
arrested for battery, but instead, I 
was so ashamed of my conduct that 
I tears up to my room and turns on 
the gas. 

— Banter. 

■ S 

Drunk, staggering along t h e 
streets, bumps into a telephone pole. 
Feels way around it several times, 
then mutters, "S'no ushe. Walled 


— Jack-o'-Lantern. 


Women give and forgive, men get 
and forget. 

—Old Maid. 

December, 1933 



A young sailor was cast away on 
a desert island. After he had been 
there for nine years, he espied a fig- 
ure on a neighboring island. Braving 
the sharks, he swam there to find a 
sweet young woman awaiting him. 
Approaching her, he said : 

"How long have you been here?" 

"Why, I've been here six years," 
she said. 

"Six years! Why. I've been on my 
island for nine long years." 

"Why, you poor man, all alone for 
nine years! Well, I'm going to give 
you something you've been wanting 
for a long time." 

Said the sailor: "Lady, you don't 
mean to tell me you've got beer on 

— Purple Coiv. 


"What I calls an inveterate drink- 
er, is a boid what can't shave with- 
out getting lather in his beer." 

— Cajoler. 

Fresh: "I wish I had a schooner 
of beer." 

Fresher: "I'd rather have a gal- 


The drunk got in a cab. "Where 
to?" asked the cabby. 

"What streets you got?" was the 

"Plenty," smiled the humoring 

"Gimme them all." 

After several hours' driving, the 
drunk asked how much he owed. 

"Seven dollars and fifty cents," he 
was told. 

"Turn around and drive back to 
thirty-five cents," he mumbled. 

— Skipper. 

And then there was the Scotch- 
man who ordered asparagus and left 
the waiter a tip. 

— Aldhaina Raiiiiiier-Jaiinner. 



Miss Sophia Jones tripped into the 
lawyer's office. "Cain't ah sue dat no 
good fo' nothin' Rastus Smilt fo' 
somepin', mister? He promised to 
marry me, dat he did, an' yesttiddy 
he done 'loped with another gal." 

"Promised to marry you, eh?" 
mused the lawyer. "Well, have you 
anything in black and white to show 
for it?" 

"No, sub," replied Sophia. "Jes' 
black is all." 

— Battalion. 


"I hear you're on the water 
wagon, old man?" 

"No, I was, but I got off to give 
my seat to a lady." 

— Joke from Shoiiirie. 


Never before had they been alone. 
But to-nite, somehow, the others had 
withdrawn and left them — two alone 
on the broad stretch of green. 

He had seen her before, of course, 
in the crowd. Few had not seen and 
admired her incredible fairness. Once 
he had brushed against her — and the 
remembered quivering thrill of that 
contact startled him anew. 

Could nothing bring them to- 
gether? He hesitated, but she re- 
mained motionless — waiting perhaps 
— gleamingly fair in the pale light. 
Then an impulse, a power greater 
than he, impelled In'm to her. And 
she waited, as dark and shining, he 
drew near. 

They touched — and with a .soft, 
whispering sigh — they kissed. 

And parted — each billiard ball 
plunking into a pocket. 

— Puppet. 

At Bar: "Let me have a miniature cocktail." 
Barman: "I don't follow you." 
At Bar: "You drink it. and in a miniature out.' 
— Joke from Banter. 

Operator — Number, please. 
Drunk (in phone booth) — Num- 
ber, hell ; I want my peanuts. 

— Purple Parrot. 




The class being over, young 
Mortimer bold 

Asked to escort her; she turn- 
ed him down cold. 

This bafltled our hero, who 
meant her no wrong; 

And so he continued to play 
for her strong. 

But maids, 'though aloof, who 
are luscious with charm, 

Are destined to weaken. (Lord 
keep them from harm). 

Our Tessie was humani, suscep- 
tible too; 

She gave in to Mort, for what 
else could she do ? 

Continuity by Allan Kazunas 

Illustrated by Rosemary Miller 

"Willst coke with me. dovelet?" he 

asked half afraid. 
Of course she said, "Yes, Mort." 

for she was quite made. 

Already his love life was getting 

In spite of repeal he had not order- 
ed beer. 

"Oh promise me, Mort, dear," 
cooed Tess to her man, 

"That you won't drink liquor or 
alky argain." 

"For you," gurgled Mortimer, 

biting his straw. 
"I'd live like a saint and obey 

every law." 

Will Mortimer revolt, or will he turn into a pansy? 
(See next issue of the Siren for the outcome of this complication) 


((AJiitiiiued From Page 8) 

hard to get there . . . She had Eddie Russell sort of h'ned 
up . . . He's a D. U., so probably that doesn't count . . . 
We take pleasure in giving you this because the Pifys are 
such a smug, self-complacent lot . . . They admitted, how- 
ever, that two of their sisters know more of life than co-eds 
are supposed to know . . . That's quite an admission coming 
from them . . . 

Helen Garland ... to you who know her ... is in a 
girls' school this year . . . Francis Shinier Girls' school . . . 
Mount Carroll . . . where they have to get in at 9 o'clock 
and they can't date town fellows . . . and they have one 
dance a year to which they can import dates with their par- 
ent's permission . . . We just can't understand it at all . . . 

We fear for Nat Cohen . . . Some one of these Mon- 
days, Wednesday's or Fridays, Marcella "Toots" Clifford. 
daughter of Senator Clifford to you, is going to bite Nat . . . 
She sits next to him in Prof. Landis' course in Shakespeare 
and leans over and "ohs, " and "ahs, " and pops out those 
gleaming white teeth so close to Nat, that, well ... it just 
sort of puts us on edge . . . But Nat comes right back with, 
"Whose afraid of a Theta." Well, who is? . . . 

It seems a coincidence that Pat Kron, imported chorus 
girl, withdrew from this University several weeks after 
Luis Jance. Zeta Xi, did. Pat said she was going back to 
shows and that Vance was going in the opposite direction 
. . . Pat had his pin a week after meeting him . . . The 
laugh is that Pat's folks sent her toschool to keep her from 
marrying another boy . . . Pat's parting remark was, "I was 
loval to Illinois in my own fashion." 

December, 1933 

Rialto Theatre Pre\iews 

(Dates on Page 2) 

DUCK SOUP is the latest reason for a new picture 
by the Four Marx brothers. It is rumored that there is 
actually a plot in this crazy concoction of gags centering 
about a revolution in Freedonia. 

Groucho is appointed dictator, for some reason 
or other. As such he makes the dippiest diplomat in 
history. Even Hitler might well envy Groucho's 
manner as well as his moustache. Chico is 
Groucho's son and secretary. Incidentally, which is 
no mere incident, this sanest appearing one of the 
four is responsible for most of the gags used by 
the batty brothers. It doesn't make sense to us, 

Chico, a peanut vendor, becomes appointed wai minis- 
ter. As a spy for the enemy, he tries to bag vital information. 
But the whole affair is "nuts" throughout. Harpo is a 
super-spy who spends half the time shadowing himself. The 
other half he spies on the intimate life of women — and 
women certainly get a run for their money when he chases 

There is one unfortunate thing about DUCK 
SOUP. By the time you catch up to one gag two 
others have sailed bv. 


"Little Women" Coming Soon 

FROM HEADQUARTERS gives the police angle on 
the murder of a Broadway playboy. It brings again Eugene 
Palette, whose detective work in S. S. Van Dine stories 
earned him the fans' approval. 

George Brent, who acted opposite his wife, 
Ruth Chatterton, in "Female," is a police lieu- 
tenant ; his sweetheart, Margaret Lindsay, show- 
girl, is involved in the slaying through several in- 
discreet letters written bv her brother. 

ALICE IN WONDERLAND presents a new star in 
Charlotte Henry, who was chosen as Alice after an elimina- 
tion contest among 6,800 applicants throughout the United 
States, England, and Canada. 

"The time has come," the Walrus said, "to talk of 
cabbages and kings," and characters who include: 

Richard Arlen, Roscoe Ates, Gary Cooper, 
Leon Errol, Louise Fazenda, W. C. Fields, Skeets 
Gallagher, Cary Grant, Raymond Hatton, Ed- 
ward Everett Horton. 

Roscoe Karns, Baby LeRoy. Mae Marsh, 
Polly Moran, Jack Oakie. Edna May Oliver. 
May Robson, Charlie Ruggles, Alison Skipworth, 
Ned Sparks, and Ford Sterling. 

Entrancing, hard-working, red-headed Katharine Hep- 
burn comes to the VIRCilNIA THEATRE, following the 
Christmas holidays, in a role which will undoubtedly estab- 
lish her among the screen's greatest stars. She appears as 
Jo, the best known of the immortal sister quartette in 
Louisa M. Alcott's romantic novel of the Sixties, Little 
U omen. 

The outstanding trait of Miss Hepburn's stage 
career, as well as her work on the screen, has been 
her faithfulness to her ideal of playing a part as 
she feels that the character would act. She has 
given up many big chances to gain fame for the 
simple reason that her ideas and those of the di- 
rectors were not in harmony. Luckily, George 
Cukor. who directed Little Jl'omen for RKO- 
Radio Pictures, visioned Jo as did Katherine Hep- 
burn, and this accord was instrumental in mak- 
ing the pictured story as rhythmical as it is. 
Supporting Miss Hepburn as her three sisters. Amy, 
Meg, and Beth, are respectively Joan Bennett, Frances Dee. 
and Jean Parker. Douglass Montgomery appears as the 
dashing Laurie, the rich boy next door, the spurning of 
whose love by Jo startled the New England countryside. 
Then there is Paul Lukas as the lumbering, lovable Fritz 
Bhaer, the learned man of the city whose courtship ends in 
the old March homestead. 

Others in the cast that embraces more than 
twenty popular players are Edna May Oliver, 
Henry Stephenson, John Davis Lodge, and Sam- 
uel Hinds. 
Customs, costumes, and the heartwarming atmosphere 
of New England in the Sixties were transplanted to Holly- 
wood for the filming of Little Women. One of the strangest 
settings ever constructed for a talking picture was the re- 
production of Louisa Alcott's home in Concord, Massa- 
chusetts, with the interior on a set twenty miles away from 
the exterior. 

The producers cast aside dramatic license in 
making this picture, and the finished piece rings 
true to the original story in every respect. Two 
million copies of Louisa M. Alcott's book have 
been sold since it was published in 1868, and it is 
estimated that twenty million persons have read 
the story. 

HAVANA WIDOWS displays the hips and hilarity 
which you might well expect from Joan Blondell and Glen- 
da Farrell. From burlesque shows to the boulevards of the 
Cuban capital, they prove to be more dangerous than an\ 
revolutionary ever expected to be. 

Frank McHugh is Duffy, a lawyer, who gets 
them there. But the way back by means of deporta- 
tion is a bit more disconcerting. .Allen Jenkins and 
Guy Kibbee contribute their bits to keep up the 
speed of this fast moving farce. 

Allan- K.azumas. 



Those Are My Dogs 

((Ujutinucd from Pcuje 7 ) 

who would keep a menagerie like 
that around a civilized town !" 

John Paul did not whip his dogs. 
John Paul did not even reprove them 
in tones scholarly but sorrowful. He 
locked them up again. 

And that was that, until Spring! 
March shivered by; the students 
went home for spring vacation when 
'twas really winter, and when they 
came back Spring had arrived. 
Spring, with its head-colds, its fra- 
grant lush earth, its buds, its gentle 
breezes, its heartaches . . . 

And John Paul let his dogs out 
again ! 

Nothing eventful happened for 
several days and the incident of FuFu 
was practically forgotten by all save 
tiie toy dog and Marcia. 

Then one evening as John Paul 
was returning from Philosophy 9, 
he heard an uproar in the garden by 
the side of the Theta house. The 
Great Dane had the diminutive FuFu 
down in the slooshy mud of the gar- 
den and was holding him there calm- 
ly with one giant paw, while the 
other three dogs bustled around hope- 
fully, with playful expressions of 
"Can I do anything to help?" writ- 
ten all over their willing counten- 

Dropping his books on the Gamma 
U walk, John Paul made a bee-line 
for the scene of canine disaster. He 
arrived there at exactly the moment 
that Marcia chose to make her entry 
upon the scene! And John Paul, who 
wasn't supposed to be an authority on 
such matters, couldn't help feeling 
that here, as the Gamma U's would 
say, was "a queen." 

John Paul could not have made 
an introduction better calculated to 
draw fire, if he had planned it. "Ah, 
uh — those are my dogs," he ventured. 
He got no further. "So — those are 
your dogs? You're the idiot who has 
turned loose these perfectly awful 
beasts upon the neighborhood? I 
think you're unspeakable!" She cli- 
maxed her remarks by kneeling down 
swiftly to the soft mud of the gar- 
den, scooping up a handful, and, be- 

fore the startled representative of the 
clan Sylvester could dodge, scoring a 
neat hit on "The Third's" face. 

John Paul gathered together his 
four dogs, got one last look at the 
angel who had so humiliated him, 
wiped his muddy countenance, and 
retired in confusion to the Gamma U 
stronghold where there was no 
woman, save the negro cook. 

From that time on, none of us 
seemed to know John Paul. He was 
different; oh, very different from the 
scholar and dog fancier we had 
known before. One of the boys took 
a long shot in the dark and asked 
John Paul one day if it was "the 
girl who'd slung the mud in his eye" 
who was the cause of his new intro- 
spection. "The Third's" startled look 
told us that the inquisitive brother 
had struck home. 

So we sat back and awaited de- 
velopments, knowing that sooner or 
later dogs would be dogs and find 
their way back across the street to 
play with their frail brother. 

A week later — it must have been 
about the last of April — the police 
dog and the two terriers were en- 
gaged in chasing imaginary rats 
around the house, egged on by sev- 
eral eager Gamma U's. 

This left the Great Dane free, 
since he would not stoop to such 
lowly sport as chasing imaginary 
rats hither and yon about the yard. 
In his four years at State he had long 
since learned to be skeptical of enthu- 
siastic brothers who yelled, "Rrrrr- 
rats!" The rodents never material- 

And so he turned his thoughts on 
this day toward that haven of play- 
time — the Theta house — where he 
could muss the fur of dear little 
Brother FuFu, the overgrown insect. 
He bent his footsteps thither, and was 
soon on the scene. The setting was 
perfect — with little FuFu nosing 
about alone in the garden. 

From the other side of the street 
John Paul saw the Dane head for 
the Theta house. Horrified, he fol- 
lowed the big dog. He was sneaking 
up behind him when Marcia ap- 
peared on the porch and walked over 

to the edge which overlooked the 
garden, unseen by either man or 
beast. The Great Dane leapt for the 
unsuspecting Peke, but John Paul did 
a little leaping himself about that 
time with the result that he tackled 
the fragile FuFu in a beautiful mud- 
slide rescue that would put any ath- 
lete to shame. 

"How perfectly adorable of you!" 
came a tinkling voice from the 

But this time John Paul was un- 
troubled by the mud which be- 
decked his countenance and, indeed, 
his whole figure. He held the small 
dog aloft triumphantly. "Here he 
is," said he, with the same victorious 
note in his voice which the Vikings 
must have had when presenting their 
women with the spoils of battle. 

"Oh, thank you, but you're all 

"Well, I generally am, I guess, 
when you see me. But give me a 
chance to prove that Fm not always 
this way, or that I'm not just an ogre 
who owns prowling dogs. How about 

"That \iiould be lovelv . . ." 

John Paul graduated that June, 
but before his departure from the old 
school, there were many "tonights." 
And so it is not altogether too sur- 
prising to picture in a few years a 
peaceful scene on a front lawn where 
FuFu and the Great Dane gamboled 
merrily, while from the porch Mr. 
and Mrs. John Paul Sylvester III 
looked on and John Paul Sylvester 
IV gurgled "FuFu!" 

(The End) 


The Junior dance — 
A tender glance, 
A sprightly prance. 
Two in a trance. 
A gaze askance. 
Barrage of "can'ts," 
A few new slants. 
The proper stance — 
Five brand new aunts! 

— Punch Bowl. 





on the Jensen 
Smoke Tesfer 

There's one pipe that is aaually better-smoking than any 
other. University scientists, recently, made over 410 tests 
with every well linown pipe in the world and proved 
new Drinkless Kaywoodie best. By actual laboratory 
measurement, 5 1 ^ purer smoke, 51^ better taste I Let 
your own taste confirm it. Get a new Drinkless 
Kaj-woodie. It will bring you the kind of enjoyment 
that is a revelation. For the first time, you'll know the 
real pleasure of pipe smoking. 

Send for the Proof 

Get the only Handbook 
of it5 kind — shows 106 
different pipes in full 
colors including the new- 
est styles. .\lso booklet 
describing the 410 pipe 
tests- Enclose 10c for 

Deot. X 

& BONDY, Inc. 

Empire State Building 
New Vcrk City. 
Estaiilisheii ISol 




You Pay For It 

Why Not Get It? 

W'e mean >ou pay for good quality goods but 
often get cheated out of it, by price chiselers. 
Buy from reliable dealers and get your 
money's worth. 

This is Your Christmas Store 

For J'alid's, Quality, J'ariety 

Heantiiiil Gift Articles 

Books — for Young or Old 

Christmas Cards, Seals, Wrappings, Skates, 
Kodaks, Scrap Books, "^'ardley's Toilet 
Goods, Diaries, Universit>- Souvenirs, Brief 
Cases, Lamps. Framed Pictures, Etc. 

U. of I. Supply Store 

The Co-Op 
Green and Wright Streets, Champaign, III. 

• • • //M 

feature of 

^oto- Engravers 





University of Illinois 






Signs of Spring 

« — "V^Vi^Vt 






1 TntMcco Company \ y 


ALWAYS tJi£ 3i^ie4f %Sam> afui ONLY t/i£ (^^niei- ^£mi}€6 \ 

February. 1934 

"Well! Ya might wait till I put 
something on." 


I've given up drinking 

And smoking, too. 
With necking or petting 

I've sworn I'm through. 
So pure am I getting. 

It can hardly be — 
The reason for this? 

My love don't love me. 

S.AXS Souci. 


1930— ••! Found a Million DoHar 

1931— "I Got Five Dollars." 

1932 — "Here it is Monday and 
I've Still Got a Dollar." 

1933 — "Brother, Can You Spare a 

]934_? ? ? ? ? 

— Log. 

It's papa who pays — and plays- 
and then pays some more. 


I saw you this morning, 

You smiled and said. 

"How are you today?" and passed 

I was left with a frozen smile on my 

You dared ! After last night, when. 

With my head on your breast, your 
lips in my hair, 

You vowed you would love me al- 

And this morning you dared say, 

"How are you today?" 

— Utah Humbug. 

(U'ith a bit of apology to Mr. Kilmer ulio penned "Trees" ) 
I think that I shall never hear 

A song as sweet as bubbling beer; 
A piece whose liquid notes are chirped 

Around the world and even urped 
Wherever guzzeling is known ; 

And where King Hop's astride the throne — 

A piece which may in summer tear 

Huge belches from the toe to hair; 
.\ .song whose notes are even now 

Heard on this campus much. I trow; 
Oh. beer is drunk by men like me; 

I'll give you Sundaes, cheerfully. 


Scene — A handsome young couple 
are seated in a garden under the soft, 
silvery moonlight. They are talking 
to each other, which is the devil of a 
thing to do in a setting like that. 

Said the girl: "Mark, I'm fond of 
you and all that, but you have one 
awful fault — an awful one." 
"Why, what's that, Doris?" 
"You're too easy-going, Mark. 
When you graduated from college, 
you could have gone into the sort of 
work you liked, only it would have 
been hard. Instead, you went into 
your father's office. You took the 
easy way." 

"I suppose that's so, Doris." 
"Yes, and while you were in col- 
lege, you paid others to write your 
papers and do your assignments in- 
stead of learning something yourself. 
You took the easy way, didn't you, 

"I admit that, Doris, but what has 
it to do with us? I'm in love with 
you. Won't you marry me?" 

She looked at him for the split sec- 
ond of a moment. "You still try the 
easy way," she murmured. 


"I can't marry him, mother, he's 
an atheist and doesn't believe there 
is a hell." 

"Marry him, my dear, and be- 
tween us, we'll convince him that he's 


— Battalion- 

Here I sit and fuss and fret 
While my seat is growing wet. 
It's enough to make me fume! 
Teacher, can't I leave the room? 
Why delay me when you know 
That I simply gotta go? 
Honest, teacher, I'm not feigning— 
My car top's down and it is raining. 
— Columns. 

For Your 


Feb. 25 thru 28. Kay Francis in Man- 

March 1 thru 3. Dorothea Wieck in Miss 

Fane's Baby is Stolen. 
March 4 thru 7. Bolero with George Raft, 

Carole Lombard, Sally Rand the fan 

dancer, and Frances Drake. (See 

Page 18). 


March 8, 9, 10. The .Iddinij Machine, by 
Elmer Rice— a drama in the expres- 
sionistic manner. Produced by Mask 
and Bauble. Lincoln Hall Theatre. 

March 16, 17, 23, 2+. The Dark Hours, a 
Passion Play in five acts, by Don 
Marquis; a tragedy inspired by the 
last few hours in the life of Christ. 
Produced by McKinley Foundation. 

April 12, 13, 14. Beyond the Horizon, a 
naturalistic tragedy, one of Eugene 
O'Neill's Pulitzer prize winning 
dramas. Produced by Mask and Bau- 
ble. Lincoln Hall Theatre. 


March 6. University String Quartet Con- 
cert. 7 P. M. Smith Memorial Hall. 

March 20. Dusolina Giannini, dramatic 
soprano. Presented by the Star Course. 

"Is he fresh?" Why I had to slap 
him three times before I gave in." 
—Bored Walk. 






Gleaners - Pressers 
Tailors - Hatters 


Him — "My treasure!" 
Her — "My treasury!" 

He — "I want to ask you a riddle. 
Why is it that you have so many boy 

She — "I give up." 


There was once a man who was 
out gunning in the Alps. Sighting an 
eagle, he took aim and brought the 
bird down. As he was retrieving his 
game, a second man rode up on a 

"My good man," said the man on 
the horse to the hunter, "you should 
have saved your shot. The fall alone 
would have killed the eagle." 

— Gart/oyle. 

S ■ 

Jane: "What is the difference be- 
tween dancing and rasslin'?" 
Helen: "Well, what is it?" 
Jane: "In rasslin' some holds are 


— Exchange. 

"What do you think of a boy who 
will make a girl blush?" 
"I think he's a wonder." 

— Exchange. 

Willie: "Say, pop, why was man 
made first." 

Father: "Oh, so woman could 
claim she was an improvement on 
him, 1 suppose." 

— Exchange. 

February, 1934 

University of Illinois 


Features in Tliis Issue 

For Your Entertainment — Places to Go. 

Things to Do Page 2 

Prof, Cupid, and Amoebas — .:/ Short Story Page 7 

Bv WiLs Gaddis 

Coke n Smoke — Campus Truths and Rumors Page 8 

Fable of Al and The Baby — .:/ Humorous Sketch. ...Page 10 
Bv William S. Middletox 

Jerry the Rat—.:/ Short Tale Page 12 

The Saga of Mortimer Botts. — .:/ \arrative Poem, 
Chapt. III. Bv Allan- Kazl Illustrated by 
Rosemary Miller Page 13 

Short Course in Ice Skating Page 17 

By J. Z. BuRsox 

Rialto Theatre Coming Attractions Page 18 

mini Theatre Guild Attraction Page 19 

Staff Page 20 









John D. Tedford 


Wilbur J. Thompson 

Business Manager 

Betty Jane Kendall 

A ssociate Editor 

VOLl'ME XXIV. NCMBER 3. Published 
hi-monthly during the college year by the 
mini Publishing Company, Illinois Union 
Building, Champaign, Illinois. Editorial 
and business offices in basement of Illinois 
I'nion Building. Twenty cents the copy. 
Entered as second-class matter at the Post 
Office at L'rbana, Illinois, by act of Con- 
gress, March 3, 1879. 



Ahoy/ Ailed Li6HT-Poft.T the helm 


I used to work in Urbana, 
In a big department store. 
Behind the hosiery counter, 
I did, but I don't anymore. 

A Kappa came in for some garters, 
I asked her what kind she wore, 
"Why, rubber!" she said, 
And rubber I did. 


Her eye may be of burnished glass 
That twinkles 'neath blue heaven; 
Her feet may be AA in width — 
And length, a number seven. 
Perhaps her leg is hewn of oak, 
And false her platinum tresses. 
And what if she should dare to dance 
In bargain-sale dresses? 
Her teeth, like stars, at night come out; 
Her ring's fFooI-ivorth-thr-nionry, 
But ah! I love that different air! 
(Migawd, but aren't men funny?) 


Here is one Little Nell who knows how to handle 
the big bad rent collector. 

/ (HJ but I don't anymore. 

V. G. Musselman. 

She— "Stop." 

He— "I won't." 

She (sighing with relief) — "Well, at least I did my 
duty." — Student. 

"Do you play golf?" he asked of the simple but gushing 

"Heavens, no," she replied bashfully, "I don't believe 
I should even know how to hold the caddie." 

— Lafayette Lyre. 

s - 

A survey gathered data to show that 50,000 girls have 
recently returned to cotton top hose. When at its height, 
this investigation must have been interesting. 

— Green Griffin. 

"How did you stop your husband staying late at the 

"When he came in late I called out, 'Is that you. Jack?', 
and my husband's name is Bob." 

Wife — That couple next door seem very devoted. He 
kisses her everytime they meet. Why don't you do that? 
Underdog — I don't know her well enough yet. 

Old Man (to boy leading a mongrel pup) : What kind 
of a dog is that, my boy? 
Boy : Police dog. 

Old Man: That doesn't look like a police dog. 
Boy: Nope, it's in the secret service. 

February, 1934 

Words to the Wall-Flower's Waltz 

Oh, ev'rv iii};ht at tweKc o'clock 

I hop into the shower, 
I scrub myself with Lifebuoy Soap 

For nigh-on half an hour! 
I douse my head in Golden Glint, 

I gargle Listerine, 
I manicure with Cutcx sets, 
I slither in Cold Cream. 
To light the eyes I smear on Winx, 

And arch the brows with pencil — 
And Kiss-Proof to my lips apply 

With plat'num-plated stencil. 
The perfume, ah! 'tis "Christmas Night" 

At twenty bucks a dram. 
I shine the teeth with Pepsodent, 

Dear Em'ly Post I cram. 
Why cannot I find Romeos 

Or football captains nifty? 
Oh, I'm so cute, just six feet tall, 

And weigh one-hundred fifty! 

Small Boy: "Maw and Paw had an awful time getting 
married. Maw wouldn't marry Paw when he was drunk, 
and Paw wouldn't marry Maw when he was sober." 

: — Drexerd. 

Minnie was very inexperienced when she joined the 
burlesque chorus, but she soon outstripped all the other girls. 

— Panther. 








-Courtesy KUly-Kat. 


T'O Mahel, Cliarlcy seemed a good 
catch. To Mabel's mother, Charley 
was just a good cough. She never 
cotiU see him with that nose-assailing 
pipe and his halo (?) ot gaspy smoke. 
Mabel's new hero is also a pipe 
smoker — but his pipe is well kept 
and his tobacco delightfully mild and 
fragrant. You've guessed the plot. It's 
Sir Walter Raleigh. A blend of mild 
Kentucky Burleys so cool and slow- 
burning that the boys have made it 
a national favorite in five short years. 
Kept fresh in gold foil. Try it; you vc 
a pleasant experience ahead ot you. 

Brown & ^w illiamson Toliacco Corporatioa 
Louisville, Kcntiickv, Dept. W-42 

Send for this 



It's 1 5 ^— AND IT'S MILDER 

Slips That Pass in the Night 

The inside info reaches us that 
when Eddie Cantor tried to lead Mae 
West into a Carioca she gave him a 
bust in the eye. 

Teacher: Rastus, do you consider 
this portrait of Lady Godiva obscene? 

Rastus: Well, ma'am, it's de most 
mind-disturbin' picture dat eber ob- 


"Aw, go to hell !" St. Peter ex- 
claimed when Huey Long applied for 
admission at the Pearly Gates. 

Phi Phi : Dick tells me Jerry is a 
triple-threat star. 

Theta: Mebbe, but I do know he's 
outstanding on passes. 


1 iiad sworn to be a bachelor 
She had sworn to be a bride — 

But I guess you know the answer 
(She had nature on her side). 

— Sun Din/. 


A minister one day while visiting 
one of his flock who had been a sailor 
heard the parishioner's parrot make a 
few remarks in the way only a true 
sailor's parrot can. The man was 
very much embarrassed and apolo- 
gized. The minister didn't seem 
alarmed, but said he had a parrot 
that prayed all the time. After a 
while the good reverend made the 
suggestion that he thought his par- 
rot would have a good influence on 
the sailor's bird. The sailor agreed, 
so the next day the minister brought 
his parrot to spend a few days with 
the other bird. 

When the sailor's parrot saw the 
addition to his cage he immediately 
remarked, "How about a little lov- 
ing, babe?" 

Answer: "What the hell do you 
think I've been praying for all these 
years r 

— Green Griffin. 

A Frigidaire may have its admir- 
ers, but I want to be an ice-man and 
have my pick. 

-Courtesy Frivol. 

He — "I feel as though I had known you for years." 
She — "You certainly do." 

— Cfijolcr. 

■ S 

"Do you college boys waste much time?" 
"Oh, most girls are reasonable." 

—Belle Hop. 

Pat: "Why did you and Percy break up?" 
Doris: "Oh, he was just a passing pansy." 

— Lafayette Lyre. 

■ S 

We can't understand why Bill is so popular when the 
girls all say he makes them tired. 

— Grinnel Malteaser. 

"Is that fellow McFall all right to take on a fishing 

"Is he? Say, besides doing the cooking he'll think up 

good lies for the whole bunch." 

February, 1934 

Prof, Cupid and 

ncai-sightcd. Remember that. 
Not that there's anything very wrong 
about being near-sighted. Some of 
our best people are. I'm a little near- 
sighted myself .... 

Hut let us get back to the profes- 

You should know him. If you've 
been in college more than a semes- 
ter (even if you last only long 
enough to be initiated), you probably 
do. Short fellow. Light hair, slight- 
ly thinned on top. Got his bachelor's 
at Knox, his master's at Illinois, and 
his doctor's at Columbia. 

Always intending to go abroad 
and make a comprehensive study of 
the sex life of the amoeba in the 
Asiatic countries. Unmarried. Uses 
tobacco, but prefers his corn-cob pipe 
even to the best advertised brands of 
cigarettes. Gets around. 

That's the gent! 

In the evenings those of us who 
had the Prof in Zo C^ne used to drop 
around to his apartment. He was 
that sort of a guy. No one ever called 
(in Professor Dingley — that is no one 
except that high and mighty rhet pro- 
fes.sor with the Hahvahd accent. 

All us students just dropped in on 
him. We didn't even bother to knock. 

He used to poke his head out of his 
two-by-four kitchen somewhere be- 
hind the in-a-door bed, peer at us in 
his near-sighted fashion ( for he 
coiddn't see a person unless he was 
practically on top of him) and shout: 
"That you, Smith?" or: "If that's 
Perkins, you'd better come back and 
help me shake this cocktail. You 
know I'm a pooh-out as a bartender." 

Prof never talked in what is sup- 
posed to be the professorial tongue. 
Why, when he so much as ventured 
to use scientific words outside of class 
we'd laugh at him and he'd look 
sheepish. But Prof was all man. He 

— by Wih Gad (lis 

could ask you for a light in one 
breath and tell you in the next that 
you'd better pull up that lab woik, 
or he'd flunk you flat. If you knew 
what was good for you, you'd be 
married to the laboratory for a few 
weeks thereafter. 

There could he onh' one result of 
all this: Everyone liked tlie Prof. He 


That woman had finesse 

went to all the house dances. Parties 
were not complete without him. 
Cookie Joe's confectionery knew him 
much — along about four to five in 
the afternoon, after his last lab. 

In short. Prof Dingley enjoyed life 
as it is known in a small, amiable, not 
over-cultured university town. 

was given by a group whom the sor- 
ority women used to term "the hen 
club," but whom the Clarion-News 
tactfully referred to as "our younger 
set." One hen-beaked female in her 
late twenties remarked to the group 
in general : "That Professor Dingley 
is certainly one eligible bachelor. I'm 
surprised one of you girls hasn't cap- 
tured him by now!" 

Helen Pearson sipped her tea, 
flushed a bit at the meaningful 
glances in her direction and said 

That was one thing we never 
could understand about Prof. Helen 
was a peach and a card if there ever 
was one. Not bad looking either; in 
fact one of my fraternity brothers 
once tried to date her. 

But the Prof sought her company 
only when he had to chaperone a 
dance and have a partner. We 
thought of every way we could to get 
them together. It couldn't be done, 
and we were frankly disappointed. 
Two swell people ! 

Helen was disappointed, too, 
though it was just like her to say 
nothing about it and to accept Prof's 
platonic and infrequent visits gladly 
and with no show of anything but a 
laughing spirit of cameraderie. 

But if Helen gave no outward 
sign of hearing the tea-cat's remark, 
another of the group did. If Helen 
was reserved, Pauline Roscoe was 

1 tell you that woman had finesse! 
She was a newcomer to University 
Center, and even the Clarion's 
"younger set" was just a little awed 
by her smoothness. Joe Robbins over 
at our house once said of her: "Speak- 
ing automotively, she has the looks 
of a Rolls and the purr of a Dusen- 
berg with the hood locked !" 

Women feared her . . . men were 
dazzled. (Please Turn to Page 14) 


AND SO I once more we 
gather around the fireside 
to hear the campus gossip. 
Draw your chairs a Httle closer, 
children, and listen carefully — 
you might find out something 
about someone you know — and 
perhaps we have learned that 
very little secret about yourself 
that you thought you were so 
carefully hiding! 

It happened in a Public Speaking class. Several of the 
university lads had been up on the platform airing their 
gripes about women drivers. And IMildrcd (Shorty) Fisher 
was becoming angrier and angrier. Finally she got her 
chance and stepped up to the rostrum to deliver an extem- 
poraneous rebuttal speech. She raved adequately and then 
wound up with the all-too-true statement, — "I've seen 
plenty of men pull a lot of funny things in cars." 

And did you hear about the little A. O. Pi pledge who 
went for a conference with her Rhet instructor and came 
back with bruised knees? Wish we knew just what casual- 
ties the instructor suffered. 

Coke 'n 

Hollis Lander, Zetn Psi by affiliation, admits that he 
always wears thick lensed glasses on blind dates — then if 

he gets a crock, he is quite 
oblivious of the fact. When 
we first heard the story, 
we thought he was at- 
tempting to live up to the 
title, "blind date." 

"Signs of the Times" — 
happened into a drugstore 
the other day where they 
were moving their stock 
about a bit and had neg- 
lected to move some of 
their ads. Consequently, a 
huge assortment of the 
now - permitted liquors 
were arranged carefully 

under a large sign bearing the words, "Electrical Goods!" 

— More truth than poetry! 

Chalk up one for jMr. Ahrens of the Soc. Department. 
He was discussing growth and development in his Soc. 2 
class the other day, and commented on the fact that a per- 
son's eyes and hair change color from the time he is born. 
Wishing to illustrate his talk, 71/r. Ahrens walked over to a 
luscious blonde and said, "Why, you even had blue eyes 
when you were a baby!" — "No doubt," she responded, just 
a trifle too sweetly, "because they're blue now!" 

We have the counterpart of "What-a-Man" in several 
shapes and forms on our campus. First of all, there was the 
lad who caught our observant eye at the Champaign I. C. 
station right after Christmas vacation — he met three 
blondes at the same train, sending each home in a cab, and 
then left the depot in a cab with a brunette . . . And then 
there is TI/oa- Friedlander, Lambda Chi, who was seen by 
these very eyes at the Commerce Dance, wearing an Alpha 
Delt pin ! Too, there is his fraternity brother, who with his 
pin on a Z. T. A., went to the Phi Mu dance, and then 
imported a girl for the Junior Prom! 

February, 1934 

We also have something on flotiie Einrich. Fsi I . and 
mini "big shot." It seems he was discovered in tlie Mid- 
way at 3 one January morning in a palm beach suit, no 
shirt, and a large Howing tie. He was accompanied by a well- 
dressed gentleman in red polka dot pajamas. Now don't ask 
us how we kno\A-. 

And now that we're talking about members of the Illini 
staff — Bill Day. the editor of that wonderful college news- 
paper, was down at the office at 8 one P. M.. calmly neck- 
ing in shirt sleeves. We don't know why we mention the 
shirt sleeves — except that they do add a certain touch. 

Then there is lirffinia Polonis (of Chicken-salad fame) 
who wrote Soc. final last semester, only to discover, after 
she was all thru, that she had not only written the e.xam in 
the wrong section, but the wrong course! Which isn't say- 
ing much for the diversity of teaching material in the Soc. 

We had often heard of the Delta Zeta lamp — but we 
did not know that the light it cast forth was of a reddish 
hue. Or hadn't you noticed as yet the color of the lamp 
burning in that third floor window every night? 

And the Z. T. A.'s had a hre — better hurry up, Sigma 
Kappas, or you'll lose your title to annual fire! Anyhow, the 
basement was flooded with water, and the sistern of this 
particular order were paddling around trying to work their 
way out of the house when Clarion Choss asked plaintively 
whether she might have a glass of water. The latest report 
does not state whether her death was caused by strangula- 
tion or drowning. 

With regard to the Cotillion, here is a good one on 
Joe Gartner. At the Committee dinner, Joe Branlin was 

giving out orders as to where 
each member should stand to 
start the Grand March. After 
the instructions were duly given. 
Joe Gartner raised his voice in 
solemn question as to what they 
were supposed to do with their 
dates while the March was going 

Another story of the Cotil- 
lion has it that the Sophomore 
President gave away his "comp " 
and paid his way in. Which is 
certainh heroism for you. 

The night after the Cotillion 
the Freshman Frolic held sway in the same atmosphere of 
icicles, penguins, and blue sky. .\ or/n Jones, evidently feel- 
ing that after two nights of such, there would be no more 
need for the penguins, carried a simply huge one into Kam- 
erer's on Lincoln after the dance — or mebbe he had had a 
little somepin' and thought he was still escorting his date 

And WHO were the couple in the balcony that night? 
Evidently they thought no one could see them up there — 
but they weren't reckoning on the Siren sleuths! We always 
knew Romeo went in a big way for balcony scenes, but not 
in such a big. big way. 

Then there was the breaking of the bottle at the Min- 
strel Show. It ended a very boring wait for the curtain to 
go up. It was not so much the shattering of the glass as 
the slow trickle of the fluid that sent the audience into hys- 
terics. The laughter and applause sent a bewildered stage 
force scurrying to roll the curtain up and the stageful of 
colored minstrel boys looked out upon an audience choking 
with mirth. There were several sleuths on the trail of the 
person who dropped it, and several names have been men- 
tioned — suffice it to say that the bottle was broken over in 
the section reserved for the Sigma Nus. The endmen got 
back at the fraternity for taking attention from their show 
by making several remarks about the serpent pin. 

Myrtle Knuth '37 was day-dreaming in her French class 
the other day. It annoyed her instructor. Finally he asked, 
"Have you any questions. Miss Knuth?" No an- 
swer. "Is there anything on your mind. Miss 
ft^fl Knuth?" A sleepy "No" was the response. The 
instructor was exasperated — "Don't tell me that 
you have been in college a whole semester now and 
still have nothing on your mind !" At this Myrtle 
revived. "Oh, of course I have something on my 
mind — but he isn't French!" 

We see that the picture in which Gil Berry is 
playing has finally reached the campus. Which reminds us 
that this summer when (/// went into the Federal Building 
at the World's Fair to register in the University of Illinois 
book, the graduate in charge would not allow our hero to 
register until he had thoroughly convinced him that he was 
actually an alununis of this institution. 

(Please Turn to Page IS) 




Fable of Al and The Baby 

-bv William S. Middleton 

THE BAIA' was a poor horse- 
woniaii. If she had not been, the 
chance meeting; between her and the 
handsome Al would never have been 

Galloping down the tree lined bri- 
dle path, her sleek bay traveling with 
the ease and grace of an adagio dan- 
cer, Helen, known to her intimates 
as The Baby, paid little attention to 
the passing scenery ; she was too busy 
holding on to the old-fashioned West- 
ern saddle. 

Al was meandering down the syl- 
van glade wondering when and how 
he was ever to pick up a ride on this 
god-forsaken route ( for he was only 
a college student and could not ha\e 
been expected to recognize a bridle 
path) when a beating of hoofs start- 
led him. 

"A sex-mad rabbit" was his first 
thought. On second thought he de- 
cided that it was a wild stallion ( he 
had taken Rhet 1 ) , but when he saw 
the fair Helen mightily gripping the 
saddle horn, his thoughts turned to 
idle fancies (whoa, Shakespeare) and 
he made a bold resolve to save her 



RISING to a terrific peak of valor 
he launched himself into the air and 

into the path of the four hoofs. Dis- 
daining life and limb in the service 
of so fair a maiden, he grasped the 
bridle of the speeding mustang, and 
applied his weight (aesthetic dancing 
and rythm course teach the scientific 
application of weight) and brought 
the fire-spouting demon to a surging 

"Sir, why accost thou me? I am 
but a poor defenseless maid and an 
old softie. Oh spare me, sir," cried 
our poor Baby in a distressed tone. 

"Aha, my sweet little night-flow- 
ering royal hibiscus, you are now in 
the power of a lowly hitch-hiker," 
boomed Alfred in his most sepulchur- 
al tenor voice. 

"Cut that old stuff you mug and 
let's be modern again. If you get an- 
other one of those classic relapses I 
will crown you with a brick," prat- 
tled Helen. 

"O. K., Darling. You hitch up old 
Dobbin and we'll be off to Dover or 
any other old sea port." 

(And that, dear chiKlren, proves 
the old theorem that two wrongs 
make one healthy, wealthy, and 
wealthy, and hellish). 

A Heart of Stone 

Here's to the girl, 

The only girl, 

The girl who waits for me. 

She is the one. 

The only one, 

The one with whom I'm free. 

The night was dark. 

It was very dark. 

In fact, I couldn't see. 

So I whispered, "My love," 

"]VIy dearest love," 

"This is not to be." 


Is it only a line you've been handing to me. 
Saying you want me, making me care ? 

Darlin', you can't treat me this way ; 
Don't you see, it just isn't fair. 

I never meant to fall in love 

'Cause I always knew it would be like this; 

But you held me spellbound in your arms — 
Completely enchanted with only a kiss. 

— Sans Solci. 

But she was a brazen creature, 
The hardest in this land. 
I sobered a bit, and took one look. 
/ iL'ds holding the Alma Mater's Hand. 
— V. G. Musselman. 

"Look at Smith over there in the corner — buried in 

"Mighty shallow grave, isn't it?" 

February, 1934 




© 1934 

Liggett & Myers 

Tobacco Co. 


Jerry the Rat 

JERRY THE RAT was driving 
for his life. He had no more re- 
gard for traffic lights than they had 
for him. Auto drivers, sensing the 
danger of the situation, sought safety 
at the curbs. Pedestrians two blocks 
ahead were scurrying to the protec- 
tion of buildings, not trusting even 
the safety islands by the street car 
tracks. Policemen left their posts in 
the middle of thoroughfares, more in- 
tent upon rescuing themselves than 
upon stopping the careening sedan 
which bore Jerry the Rat. 

A block behind the sedan came a 
squad car, sirens screaming, motor 
roaring, and shots occasionally issiung 
forth in the direction of the car 
ahead. Jerry was really in a tight 


Perspiration rolled off his brow 
despite the fact that the temperature 
was down almost to zero; his hands 
gripped the steering wheel with 
shaky pressure; his foot was pressed 
hard against the floor-board. 

A mile was passed in less than a 
minute. "L" posts flashed past so fast 
that they seemed to be a solid wall. 
The speedometer clicked rapidly. 

Forty-second street was left be- 
hind. Jerry the Rat became hopeful. 
Just two more miles. But the police 
car was creeping up inch by inch. If 
everything held together he would 
make it, though. The turn loomed 
ahead six blocks, five blocks, four . . . 
Jerry's right foot slipped quickly 
from accelerator to foot-brake; the 
din of gripping, screeching brakes 
was maddening; rubber could be 
smelled to high heaven. Then came 
the squad car, careening wildly as 
brakes were applied. 

The runaway had a sick abdominal 
feeling as his sedan skidded around 
the corner, listing over-gently to one 
side. Then all was right again. The 
police skidded after him, but had lost 
a little ground on the turn. 

JERRY THE RAT did not 
bother to completely stop his car at 

the curb, and as he leaped out. the 
sedan went on and crashed into a 
store-front. The Rat, dodging a cou- 
ple of bullets from the police car, 
dashed down an alley and crashed his 
way in through the rear entrance of 
a store. Up the stairs he went, out 
onto the roof, ducking low to escape 
sight from the street. 

He crept over to an adjoining roof 
and dropped through a hidden trap 


Lying on the floor like a badly- 
whipped dog, his breathing laborious 
and painful, he thanked God for his 
escape from the jaws of justice. He 
would never be found here. His pals 
would see to that. He would not have 
to burn for murder and kidnaping. 
Here he was hidden in an almost 
completely sealed chamber— comfort- 
able in consideration of its small size. 
And there was an undiscernable vent 
which admitteil air from the room 

Jerry was recovering. He crawled 
to his feet, poured and drank a shot 
of whiskey, and sank into an easy 
chair. He enjoyed the music issuing 
from the radio in the apartment 

below . . . 

THE PROGRAM ended. Then 
came the voice of an announcer: 

"This is WXYZ, New York. We 
now return you to our national na- 
tional hook-up, and you will be en- 
tertained for the next half-hour by 
the delightful crooning of Bing Cros- 

Terry the Rat was stricken with 
horror. Once more he became sick. 
Here was more torment. It would 
drive him mad. And he couldn't shut 
up that radio without giving himself 

Give himself away? The idea 

carried a certain fascination and he 

entertained it thoughtfully. Yes, that 

was the answer. 

Better death, instantaneous in the 

electric chair, than slow, tortuous 

growth of insanity at the hands of a 

radio crooner . . . 

T h e SIREN 

My Dear Miss Smith: 
Dear Miss Smith: 
Dear Mary: 
Mary Dear: 
Dearest Mary: 
Mary Darling: 
Mary, beloved: 
My Soulmate: 
Dear Mary: 
Hello, Mame: 
Pay to the order of Mrs. Mary S. 

Jones : 

— Chicaiirj Phoenix. 

The climax was nearing. I knew 
what was coming, but I did not have 
the power to stop him. I was putty 
in his hands. Should I accede to his 
desires? ... I listened to his pas- 
sionate appeal and I felt weak . . . 
I was but a woman, alone and with 
no one to keep me company . . • 
What should I say? . . . What should 
I say? ... I tried to get a grip on 
myself . . . How could I say no to 
him; the poor, sweet boy. Suppose I 
did do as he wished . . . Who would 
know? Harry \\as away. Neverthe- 
less I felt weak ... 

"All right, boy," I almost whisp- 
ered, "I'll subscribe for one year." 
— Rainincr Jammer. 

One little look. 

One little glance; 
One little sigh — 

.And one big chance. 

He heard the sigh. 

He caught the glance- 
He was no fool — 

He took the chance. 

— The Old Maul. 

Sophomore— Where you from?^ 

Freshman — Whoosisville, Vir- 

Sophomore— One of those jerk- 
water towns where everyone goes to 
meet the train? 

Freshman— W^hat train? 

— I'iryinia Reel. 

February, 1934 



Continuity by Allan Kazunas 

Illustrated by Rosemary Miller 

. Soon Mortimer >luiiincd every scmhlance ot 

Took milk with his mcaU, in each \va> acted 

His cheeks glowed more ruddy since K'ving up 

Late honrs, and other things smacking of sin. 

2. Past three-minute limits he talked with his 

\'ia phone he would moan, each soft word a 

But one evening Tess sent poor Mort's heart 

By breaking a date for a "friend" from St. 


3. So Mort then decided if that was her game 
He too could do likewise, with some other 

In order to do the thing really up brown 
He went to the dance with a gal about town. 

4. The dance being over each couple went 

To a cokensmoke parlor where glasses are 

Poor Tess aired her troubles with second- 
breath licjuor. 

While Mort guzzled milk as he cursed that 
"darned slicker." 


Prof. Cupid and 

((continued from Page 7 ) 

She was the perfect college widow, 
except that she wasn't a widow. She 
was free and hunting for a man 
(which is perfectly legitimate, of 
course, in this land of repeal and ten 
cent stores.) And so when the good 
Pedagogue Dingley's merits were ex- 
tolled before the "hen club," Miss 
Roscoe expressed genuine interest. 
And, being Pauline Roscoe, she did 
something about it. 

That week-end she happened to be 
at a sorority dance attended by the 
Professor. Sunday afternoon Prof at- 
tended an alumni reception. She hap- 
pened to be there too. She happened 
to be at the concert Tuesday evening 
and she happened to sit in the faculty 
box at the game the following Satur- 
day. Oh — how that woman could 
happen ! 

It was not surprising, then, tliat 
such a shy, retiring, young creature, 
always underfoot, should merit Prof 
Dingley's attention. Ever near- 
sighted, women-fearing young facul- 
tymen have a hard time resisting ever- 
present, radiant, sophisticated young 
ladies who pop up everywhere you 

Professor Dingley did not take 
Helen Pearson to the football dance. 
He accompanied the sleek Pauline 

Professor Dingley did not invite 
Miss Pearson as his partner for the 
Soph Cotillion. The bland Miss Ros- 

coe hoarded that honor. 

In fact, it was Pauline Roscoe this 
and Pauline Roscoe that around the 
Prof's apartment, until we became 
rather nauseated. For love will make 
even the most interesting young 
scholar a bore; the most entertaining 
fellow nothing but a mooiung, re- 
dundant babbler. 

LOYALLY though, we hung on. 
We watched that "artificial Roscoe 
dame" (as one of the more expres- 
sive members of our crowd so ac- 
curately called her) wean the pro- 
fessor away from the life and friends 
he had known. We listened to his 
chatter about Pauline until we got 
plenty tired. 

And still we stuck. 

Helen was heartsick, but, of 
course, she wouldn't admit it. 

Came June, and the evening be- 
fore the day announced for the wed- 
ding. As long as the Prof had de- 
cided to marry the artificial one, we 
could think of nothing better than to 
show him the same spirit of horseplay 
we had accorded him in the old, joy- 
ous pre-Roscoe era. 

And so we all came to the con- 
clusion that it would be great sport 
to kidnap him on the eve of his wed- 
ding to the painted doll. We could 
let him go the next day in time to 
get back to his beloved and it would 
all be a good joke ! 

The evening arrived and we were 
gathered outside the apartment build- 
ing — plotters all under the friendly 
cloak of dusk. 

Joe had just told us in a husky, 
heavy stage whisper: "All right, let's 
go," and we were about to proceed. 

A cab drew up hurriedly in front 
of the apartment. It waited while a 
young lady flung herself out and into 
the building. 

We flattened ourselves against the 
sides of the entrance. Helen Pearson ! 
But she was too intent on gaining the 
elevator to see us. 

A minute passed, and out strode 
Prof Dingley piloting Helen. He 
paused uncertainly a moment, then 
hurried toward the curb at which he 
had evidently vaguely made out the 
outlines of a cab. Hurriedly he 
siioved her inside. 

The taxi drove off, and we, rice, 
kidnaping blankets and all, just stood 
and gaped at one another. 

A few days later we got a cable- 
gram from Bermuda. It was signed 
"Prof" anil read something like this: 

Heai'd you fellows were going to 
kidnap me. When Helen ap- 
peared in doorway of apartment 
I thought she was Pauline. Took 
her in cab to preacher's to make 
sure we'd not miss getting mar- 
ried. Preacher performed cere- 
mony in cab on way to dock. I 
was going to fool you fellows. 
When I got to dock (it was 
dusk) I recognized Helen. Had 
marriage license changed by 
quick call to clerk's office. 
Caught boat. Caught sweetest 
girl in world and will probably 
catch hell from Pauline. But 
what do I care now? 

c^N^ / SI 

I ho „ ' ^^■ili^HBB 

/ iL^y Great American Be 

jreal American Bogie oF Illustrative 
Printing has been overcome by PRECISION in Plate Manufacture! 

Large users o( Direct Advertising, as well as Printers, now realize that excessive 
costs of production are usually due to inferior printing plates. 

That is one of the many reasons why G. R. Grubb and Company have, among 
their clients, a select list of good printers and particular manufacturers. 




February, 1934 

Wat's Nice? Glory 


Be a hero 

* » » 

Just try it once 

» «. • 

Be like Nero 

* » » 

You know, a dunce. 

* « » 

Fly an ocean 

* » « 

Like Lindberg did 

* * * 

Invent perpetual motion 

* » * 

Or make a bid 
» * * 

The highest of all 

* » * 

For some antique, 
« » * 

Then you're in the famous hall 
» «. « 

You'll be unique. 

* «. * 

— M. Brewster. 

"Did you ever see anyone as bowlegged as that girl?" 
"No, legs like those are few and far between." 

Mary — Do you know why there are more automobile 
wrecks than train wrecks? 
Roy — No, why? 
Mary — Because the fireman isn't hugging the engineer. 

■HUNDREDS Have ALREADY Won Big Cash Rewa 

Would YOU.TOO,LihjB to 

This 13 our sensational new way to advertise — gi\nng 
away 100 cash prizes totaling over S5 000.00 — besides 
thousands in EXTRA cash reward'' Not a cvnt of 
your money needed now or ever to win $2,500.00. 

Can YOU Find 4 Dogs 
in Picture Above? 

Tell me quick! S.:>m«? ar-- ur-^i'i'' .ii'wn. Hundreds 
have won big cash rewards in other campaigns con- 
ducted by men in this tirm. Here are a few, Anna 
\ Jacob?^n. N. J. — S5.000.00. Dennis Beemer. Mich. — 
S4.740.(X1. Mrs. Kate Needham, Ore.— $4,705.00. 
I. Xystrom. Ore.— $3,700.00. Helen Shick. Pa.~ 
$2,565-00. Now comes your chance. You are GUAR- 
ANTEED to win a cash reward if you take an active 
part. Not a lotter>'. No luck needed. Hurry — get 
started quick by finding 4 dogs. Not a cent of your 
money needed. In addition to giving Buick I will pay 

$1,00022 EXTRA 

for Promptness 

to First Prize winner. Not only one person, bn 
hundreds will be rewarded. In case of ties, duplicate 
prizes will be given. All the money to pay prizes is la 
the Bankers Trust Co. at Des Moines. I invite you to 
look us up through any bank in Des N!oines, any credit 
agency, business house, magazine, newspaper, railroad 


Send no money. Mark dogs found, clip picture, 
mail quick — or write on penny post-card how many 
dog9 you find. For replying I will tell you how you 
may also win big EXTR.\ cash rewards and $2,500.00 
too. Answer NOW! Tell me which you want to win — ■ 
$2,500.00 or Buick and $I.i'"0. 00. 

MeiTold lohnson.MgT . Dept. 55^ Oea Moines. Iowa 

t^ f lyiTl'nTT'B'T^Mf ■ 1 tJ tlwillbe paid to any worthychar- 
Bt^^^^^^ji^BAJiAMAaaaM ity if anyone can prove that we 

I do n ot r^allv giveaway all these thousands of dollars in cash 
prize? — or that all this prize money is not on deposit in the bank. 

Visitor — What an intelligent looking little dog! 
Hostess — Intelligent! Why, when I forget to teed him 
he brings me a forget-me-not out of the garden. 

"Well, Miss Smith, would you like to take a business 
trip with me next week?" 

"Say, I may be your typewriter, but I'm not portable." 

Drinking beer is just an old belchin' custom. 

— Yellow Jacket. 


I ve gone through college with nary an ache; 
Never met a man who was on the make ; 

Never from the Dean have I had to run ; 

Aw hell, who says college is a lot of fun ? 

I've gotten my ,'\'s and maybe one B. 
.Never from necking have I had to flee; 

I've never thought petting was any kind of a feat . . . 

Nuts — I don't want my cake — Come on — 

Let's eat ! 


It would be an ideal time for the saloon to come back 
now because all the good corner locations formerly occu- 
pied by banks are now available. — Green Goat. 

A pinch of salt is greatly improved by dropping it into 
a stein of beer. — Rammer-Jammer. 


T h e SIREN 

She — You remind me of the 

He — Wild, romantic, restless 

She — No, you just make me sick. 

The timid professor holds a jar of 

clear gray alcohol. 

Pointing to the embryos within it; — 

And the students stare at an evis- 
cerated shark 

in a bowl of formalin with a 
muddy green odor, 
or giggle at the red chalk on 
the professor's nose, 

While he drones, 

"These rudimentary gill slits 
Are proof that we have as- 
cended , 

Through long ages of gradual 

To our present high position ; 
Where, through our mental and 
om' spiritual supremacy. 
We are the masters of the 

A student shakes the jar of embryos, 

Watches them turn slowly in the 

And thinks of sex. 

— Banter. 

Dear Son, 

I just read in the paper that stu- 
dents who don't smoke make much 
higher grades than those who do. 
This is something for you to think 


Dear Father, 

I have thought about it. But 
truthfully I would rather make a B 
and have the enjoyment of smoking; 
in fact I would rather smoke and 
drink and make a C. Furthermore, I 
would rather smoke and drink and 
neck and make a D. 

Dear Son, 

I'll break your neck if yovi flunk 


— Kansai Sour Oivl. 

I took her to a night-club, 

I took her to a show. 

I took her almost everywhere 

A girl and boy could go. 

I took her to swell dances, 

I took her out to tea; 

When all ni\ dough was gone I saw 

She had been taking me. 

— Dartiiwulh Jiuk-o-Lantcrn. 

2-c: "Did they take an X-ray of 
your wife's jaw at the hospital?" 

1-c: "They tried to but they got 
a moving picture." 

— Log. 


He bowed his head, while his faith- 
ful servants filed from the room. 
Then turning to his God, he knelt 
as in prayer. Slowly he raised his 
eyes to the idol. Softly his lips parted, 
and then as if in prayer, he intoned, 
"Buddha, can you spare a dime?" 
— Penn State Froth. 

February, 1934 


Short Course in Ice Skating 

Prerequisite: Sixty hours of roller 

Instructor: Prof. Izzie Skidmore. 

Equipment: The beginning stu- 
dent should provide himself with two 
things: (1) A pair of gadgets called 
ice skates. (2) A soft, flabby thing 
filled with goose feathers — common- 
ly called a pillow. 

Preliminary instructions: Wear 
anything which strikes your fancy. 

Report for your first lesson with 
the pillow securely glued to a loca- 
tion which is about two feet below 
the small of your back, depending of 
course on your height. 

Also report with the skates se- 
cureh' fixed to your shoes. Do not. 
however, attempt to put them on 
yourself. By the time you succeed in 
doing so your mentality will no 
longer be in a condition to learn 
anything — not even ice skating. Any 
good horse shoer will do the trick 
for a nominal sum. 

Now vou are readv to begin. 

you're trying to catch your balance. 
Well, time's up for today. Tomor- 
row's lesson will be on the subject 
of balance. Sorry, but I'll have to 
leave you where you are. You'll have 
to hitch a ride with somebody to the 
edge of the ice. 

Lesson 2 
Today's topic is very important. 
Have you got your pillow? You for- 
got it. Well that's too bad. You're 
going to need it today. Well, c'mon ; 
let's get going. To learn the princi- 
ples of balance you will have to 
stand without support. All set? O. K. 
Now the first exercise in attaining 
balance is as follows : Lift your right 
leg slightly. Bring it back a little, 
then throw it as far forward and up- 
ward as it will go. G'wann, you 
pansy ! Try it . . . There ! Now, why 
in hell do you wanna go spreading 
yourself all over the ice like that 
for? You did just what I told you? 
Yes, well I assumed you'd have 
enough sense to know without mv 

telling you to keep your left foot on 
the ice at all times. You're impos- 
sible. Well, that'll be all for today. 
See you tomorrow. 

Lesson 3 

This and all other lessons will 
have to be omitted as your instructor 
had to leave town in a hurry. And 
when you gotta go, you gotta go! 

But if you will just call at the 
janitor's office in the ice house you 
will be given your diploma immedi- 
ately — upon paraient of a $25 di- 
ploma fee. This sum, of course, 
merely covers the cost of printing and 
engraving these beautiful diplomas. 

(Incidentally, while you are there, 
will you please tell the janitor that 
if an irate farmer carrying a shot- 
gun calls and asks for me, to tell him 
I left town on very urgent business 
and left no word when I would re- 

Suggestion : Go back to roller 

— J. Z. BURSOX. 

Lesson 1 

The instructor will offer you his 
hand. Take it. C'mon, don't be bash- 
ful. He will try to guide you out on 
to the ice. Make an effort to stand 
up. No! Don't let your legs spread 
apart like that. How in hell do you 
expect to be able to go in two direc- 
tions at once? Get your feet to- 
gether. That's it. Now the instructor 
will withdraw his support and let 
you stand alone . . . Now . . . Quit 
waving your arms around like that. 
Are you trying to catch flies? Well 
there are none in here ; it's too cold. 
Or maybe you're trying to swim. You 
should know better than to try to 
swim in air. It takes water. Oh. 

Roses are blue, 

Violets are pink 
Immediately after 

The thirteenth drink. 

Yale Record. 

She — Does the moon affect the 

He — No, oniv the untied. 







GEORGE RAFT, arriving at stardom 
via his dancing feet and acclaim of 
admirers all over the nation . . . CAROLE 
LOMBARD, the most beautiful of Holly- 
wood's true blonde leading ladies . . . 
SALLY RANI) of World's Fair fan 
dance fame . . . put these shining lights to- 
gether in a story envisioned in the stirring 
music of RAVEL'S BOLERO . . . and 
the result — well, anyone who loves fine 
dancing, or superb music, or excellent 
character portrayal in a gripping love story 
cannot afford to miss Paramount's Bolero, 
which comes to the Rialto Theatre Sunday 
through Wednesday, March 4, 5, 6, and 7. 

Bolero features Raft as a self-centered 
youth who achieves fame as a dancer by 
denying his own emotions and by tramp- 
ling on the hearts of the beautiful women 
he uses as partners in dancing to the top. 
Throughout, the savage strains of Maurice 
Ravel's "Bolero" form the theme of the 
several dance numbers. In one sequence 
Raft and Miss Lombard present the fiery 
new "Raftero" tango. 

Raft's skill as a dancer has been some- 
what overshadowed in his screen career by 
the character of his roles in "Scarface," 
"Night After Night," and "All of Me." 
Only close followers of the screen know 
that the agility he acquired as a prize- 
fighter aided him in hoofing it on stages 
about the country for some time after he 
tired of the ring and baseball . . . that he 
is one of two generally given the credit for 
initiating the Charleston dance step with 
which he won acclaim in London and 
Paris, receiving a costly cigaret lighter as a 
gift from the Prince of Wales . . . that 
LeRoy Prinz, famous Hollywood dance di- 
rector, rates Raft as a dancer rivaling Fred 
Astaire and Hal LeRoy. 

Prinz, who, by the way, introduced the 
rhumba to America, worked out the seven- 
teen movements of the "Raftero" in col- 
laboration with Raft. This tango is en- 
tirely new in the dance world, but is said 
to be simple enough to be danced by the 
average ballroom dancer, and promises to 
become a popular step. It begins with a fast 
tango, then slows into the French tango, 
the sensuous movements of the Argentine, 
and then follows with the rhythmic body 
movements of the rhumba. Ralph Rainger 
composed the special music for Bolero. 

Coke'n Smoke 

(Continued from Page 9 ) 

Bud Eisemann is still on our campus — the man who, 
after taking his Commerce courses over and over, has de- 
cided to be a C. P. A. — "can't pass anything." 

And then there is the story of the POP pledges who 
staged a walkout, and consequently were forbidden to enter 
any coke-and-smokes for a week. They were found by some 
of the actives sitting out on the curbstone at Kamerer's on 
Lincoln making various and sundry attempts at honking 
until a waiter finally appeared and took their orders — and a 
few minutes later they were calmly sipping cokes on the 
curb. But that wasn't enough — during final exam period 
when they were required to study in the library all their 
free-time, Barbara If'ind/nayer and June Benedict brought 
cokes right up into the main reference room before the awed 
eyes of more timid co-eds. 

Here's a good one on the A. T. O.'s One of their 
brethren acquired a case of chicken pox and the others, for- 
seeing a future of quarantine, stored up an enormous amount 
of liquor — and then they weren't quarantined. Sounds like a 
sad story, but at the latest reports, the liquor was not wasted. 

Things of interest also happen over in that den of mod- 
ern industry, the Commerce School. In Economics 22, the 
other day, the instructor asked a member of the class, by 
name Jost, just where the Virgin Islands are. After a deep 
moment of silence the lad ventured the answer that they 
were where Columbus stopped on his maiden voyage. 

What has ever happened to the Delta Zeta dog? Time 
was when it used to get that house plenty of publicity, 
but . . . 

At one of the many Lambda Chi radio dances last se- 
mester, Betty King. A. D .P., and Art Blaekstone danced 
so well that the other couples by common assent left the 
floor and watched the solo with appreciation. They even 
applauded. And that's something. 

Walking into a POP phonebooth not so long ago, we 
discovered on a piece of paper therein a written conversation. 
It was short and to the point — oh, very! One had scrawled, 
"Is it Steve?" and the other had answered with a very 
despairing hand — "NO, it's Frank — BLAH!" 

And the story goes that Betty Collins, fVally Strakosh. 
Irv Valenta, and his gal all double-dated during one vaca- 
tion — guess it was Christmas. Anyhow — IVally compli- 
mented Betty on a new dress, only to have her exclaim, "Of 
course it's cute — Irv picked it out for me!" Now, we ask 

February, 1934 



'Did you ever see a bad dream 
walking? That's me." 

'Yea-a-ah? Watch two of us 
turn you into a lullaby!" 

Amazing what a couple of Life 
Savers will do to ease digestion 
after a heavy meal. Ever try'em? 


Wisecrack Yourself a Free Box of 
Life Savers! 

Now your pet wisecracks can get yoii more than a grin. 
Here's a prize contest where your funny-bone can tickle 
your sweet tooth. 

Send us in }'our best laugh-maker. An attractive cello- 
phane wrapped assortment of all the Life Saver flavors will 
be awarded for the best joke submitted by April 12. 

Contributions will be judged by the editors of this pub- 
lication and the right to publish any jokes is reserved. All 
Editors' decisions are final. 

How about that wisecrack you like to pull ! Win a sweet 
prize with it. 

All entries must be received at the Siren office, basement 
of Illinois Union Building, before 5 P. M., April 12. 

Once hanging a pin on a girl meant a great deal . . . 
and all the brothers gathered around the youth to congratu- 
late him . . . now it just means one thing . . . some girls 
are lucky enough to get a pin out of it . . . At a fraternity 
the other day, when one of the boys announced that he hung 
his pin on a girl, he passed around cigars . . . 


produced in America about a decade 
ago as this country's first and most out- 
standing contribution to that new theatri- 
cal form called expressionism, which gained 
prominence during the latter part of the 
past century in Germany and the coun- 
tries of central Europe. This is not to say 
that there had not been theretofore any in- 
terest in expressionism among American 
theatrical folks. Its development here came 
as an aftermath to the World War, and 
lasted for several years, led by Elmer Rice, 
who penned The Adding Machine and 
The Siibiiny. 

To a well-balanced repertoire, the 
mini Theatre Guild has added The Add- 
ing JMachine for production this year. The 
play is now in the rehearsal stage, and will 
be a finished product for presentation 
March 8, 9, and 10 in the Lincoln Hall 
Theatre, the stage of which is perfectly 
adaptable to the intrinsic settings and light- 
ing arrangements of the piece. Mr. Wesley 
Swanson is the director of The Adding 
Machine, and Robert Christensen is pro- 
duction manager. 

The works of Elmer Rice are well- 
known to mini theatre and cinema goers. 
His Councellor-at-Laic appeared recently 
on a local screen, receiving a big hand 
from those who had the pleasure of seeing 
it. Street Scene, Rice's Pulitzer Prize win- 
ner, which was produced on this campus a 
short while ago, is considered one of the 
leading works of American theatre. Then 
there are other popular broadway hits of 
recent years such as The Left Bank and 
See \ap/es and Die. 

The Adding Machine is concerned with 
the fate of Mr. Zero, a "white-collar" 
slave who, discharged when his services 
have been supplemented by the advent of 
the adding machine, kills his boss. His ad- 
ventures in the Elysian Fields follow the 
death that is issued upon him for murder. 
Throughout there is a striking treatment 
of dialog and setting which projects Mr. 
Zero's thoughts to the audience, giving rise 
to the term expressionism. 

"One of the major achievements in the 
entire field of the American arts" — that is 
the characterization Mr. Ludwig Lewisohn 
gave to The Adding Machine in The Na- 




T h e SIREN 



Founded, 1912 


Associate Editor 




Associate Editorial Board 


Woman's Editor Art Editor 

Make-up Editor 



Art Staff 

Jim Will Field Beam 

Rosemary Miller Ken McCain 

Marion Y. Corliss Marcus V. Brewster 


Editorial Staff 

Jeroma Wallace Isca Wiley 




mini Publishing Company 
Basement Union Building 


Phone 4181 


Hours 4-4:30 

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday 

Advertising Manager 

Adele Pohl Howard Sears 

Dorothy Blum 


Circulation Manager 

Junior Collections Manager 


F.loise Ireland Howard Dixon 

Mary Jane Letts 

The little boy was telling his mother of his recent trip 
to the zoo. 

"There were tigers and tigresses, monkeys and monk- 
esses, elephants and elephantesses and bears." 

— IMountain Goat. 

Boss — My wife heard that I took you out to dinner 
the other evening. 

Secretary — Well, what does that make me ? 
Boss — That makes you my former secretary. 

—Red Cat. 

"Well, it won't be Long now," 
said the assassin as he walked toward 
tile Senate chambers. 

— Punch Boul. 

A college magazine is a great in- 




gets all the fame; 



gets all the money, 

The staff gets all the blame. 

— Lehigh Burr. 

When a man of sixty marries a 
girl of twenty-five it's like buying a 
book for somebody else to read. 

— Beanpot. 

Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard 
To get her poor daughter a dress. 
When she got there, the cupboard was bare. 
And so was her daughter — I guess. 


1st Author: "Have you heard about my new book deal- 
ing with the sex life of the Indian?" 
2nd Author: "No, what's it called?" 
Lst Author: "The Lust of the Mohicans." 

— Lafayette Lyre. 


All the girls are quite bad and of that I've no 

But a girl with a phone beats a girl who's without. 

(Cant give her number, of course). 
There's the sweetie who calls just to gossip and 

And always picks mealtime to do it. at that. 

Phone 6-1849. 
There's the party-line sweetie who'd like to say 

But knows that the neighbors are listening next 

There's the girl who calls up at a quarter of eight. 
To say she's so sorry she can't keep her date. 

Her phone No. is 6-1873. 
There's the peevish young lady who just raises 

And hangs up the phone when you try to explain. 

Phone 7-1 177. 
There's the timid young thing who won't talk on 

the phone. 
But who talks all the time when she gets you 

Phone 7-1177. 
There's the out of town girl in economy versed. 
Who makes all the calls with the charges reversed. 

Rockford-Main 6520. 
But the mostest, doggonest. pestiverous Liz, 
Is the one who calls up and says, "Guess who this 


Neighbor — Say, have you folks got a bottle opener 
around here ? 

Parent — Yeah, but he's away at college. 

— Black and Blue Jay. 

'Tis better to burp and 
Bear the Shame 
Than to swallow the burp 
And bear the pain. 

— Puppet. 

"What's the strongest drink?" 
"I dunno." 

"An aeroplane cocktail." 

"One drop and you're dead.' 
— Exchange. 


PAUL: What's all this talk about mildness? 

MAC: I say mildness is most important in a 
pipe tobacco. 

STAN: And I say flavor counts most. 

PAUL: You're both right. Why not settle the 
argument by smoking my brand — the 
one tobacco I've found that has both 
mildness and flavor. 

MAC AND STAN: What is it? One of those 
expensive imported blends? 

PAUL: Not at all. Just good old Edgevy^orth — a 
blend of only the tenderest leaves of the 
bAjrIey plant — mild, cool, rich. Here- 
try a pipeful on me. 

Ask for Edgeworth Ready-Rubbed or Edgeworth in Slice 
form. 15t pocket package to pound humidor tin. Several sizes 
in vacuum pocked tins, torus & 6ro. Co., Richmond, Vo. 


. 1 

Eddie Woods, Champion Cowboy, says: 
"To have nerves that can take it, I smoke 
only Camels. I've tried them all but Camels 
are wv smoke ! They have a natural mildne>s, 
and I like their taste better. Camels do not 
jangle my nerves, even when I smoke one 
after another." 

Cupyriglit. ly34, B. J. Reynolds Tubacco Company 

How Are Your Nerves ? 

Fortunate indeed is that modern man 
or woman who does not get nervously 
upset. Raw, jangled nerves seem, all 
too often, to be the order of the day. 
If nerves are your problem, we sug- 
gest a check-up now — on your eating, 
sleeping, and smoking. Get a fresh 
slant on your smoking by changing to 
Camels. Much is heard about the 


tobaccos used in various cigarettes. 
But this is a fact, as any impartial leaf- 
tobacco expert will tell you : 

Camels are made from finer, 
than any other popular brand. 

Everywhere you see Camels smoked 
more and more. People do care about 
mildness. . .about good taste. . .about 
their nerves. And Camels never get on 
your nerves .. .never tire your taste. 










u revoir 

ASS of '34 






Copyiisht. 1934, R. J. Kiijiiolds Tubaoco Company 

Watch out for the 

signs of jangled nerves 

How are YOUR nerves^ 


You've noticed other people's 
nervous habits — and wondered 
probably why such people didn't 
learn to control themselves. 

But have you ever stopped to 
thinkthatj««, too,mayhavehabits 
that are just as irritating to other 
people as those of the key juggler 
or coin jingler are to you ? 

And more important than that, 
those habits are a sign of jangled 

nerves. And jangled nerves are 
the signal to stop and check up on 

Get enough sleep— fresh 
air — recreation — and watch 
your smoking. 

Remember, you can smoke 
as many Camels as you want. 
Their costlier tobaccos never 
jangle the nerves. 

Shows 20 ways to test 
nerves -all illustrated. 
Instructive and amus- 
'■iff! Try them on your 
friends-see if 2/oM have 
healthy nerves yourself 
...Mail order-blank be- 
low with fronts from 2 
packs of Camels. Free 
book comes postpaid. 


Camels are made from finer, MORE 
other popular brand. 


>lds Tobacco Company 
^. Winston-Salem, N. C 

IZ'Zl 'r.T'l'"" 2 "-K-f Camels. 

Send me book of nerve tests postpaid 

(Print Namjj" 

r expires December 31, I934 



May, 1934 


You oughta go over big with the higher-ups." 

— Pinnsylvnnia Bunch Bmvl. 

Interlude at Intermission 

It was intermission. 

A boy and a girl, hands clasped, 
looked into each others' eyes as they 
walked along the walk that leads 
from the Gymnasium past the Arm- 

To the boy it seemed incredible 
that this was the same place where, 
only a few hours earlier, he had 
hurried with a lot of dull classmates 
for his final examination. 

This, he told himself, is not tlie 
same place. This, he thought, is not 
the same world. 

For at the Ball, Love had come 
into his life. 

He had never before believed in 
this so-called love-at-first-sight. But 
without provocation, without warn- 
ing, it had swooped down on him. 
He had seen the girl for the first 
time at the Ball a few hours earlier. 

She had hardly spoken a word to 
him. But she had smiled at him. 

Now as he looked into her eyes 
and seemed to penetrate to the 

depths of her heart, he felt a nostal- 
gia of sweetness sweep over him, 
and he knew he was lost. 

"Darling," he began, and she only 
smiled, "this night has been more 
than just another Ball; this night is 
the beginning of my whole life. For 
tonight, I found you. 

"Before tonight, I thought I had 
known loveliness; I thought I had 
seen Beauty ; I thought I had felt 

"But all before tonight seems triv- 
ial. You have come into my life, and 
all my dreams are dwarfed by com- 
parison to the reality of You." 

The girl only smiled. 

"Darling, I love you. Will \ou 
marry me?" 

The girl only smiled. 

"My beloved, my love, my life, 
iinll you marry me?" 

The girl seemed to consider for a 
moment, then replied : 

"Veil, vy not? Vot can I lose?" 
— Lijteil from iMasfjurrniier. 



IT WAS always tke rumble seat for 
Ralph and his powerful pipe. Wny 
will a man try to save on a tew pipe 
cleaners an J load up with f uniy tobacco? 
Life can easily become happier for 
Ralph. By putting Sir Walter Raleigh 
in a well-kept pipe he can ride up 

front with the driver and even 

demonstrate that he can handle the 
wheel with his left hand. Sir Walter 
Raleigh is a mild mixture of Ken- 
tucky Burleys that burns coolly and 
slowly. And it has a fragrance that 
wins smokers .... and fair com- 
panions. Try it. You should. 

Brown & Williamson Tobacco Corporation 
Louisville, Kentucky. Dept. W-45. 

Cyhm io 


Send for this 



It^S 1 5 ^— AND IT'S MILDER 


'What is progressive conversation?" 
'From weather to ivhether." — Jester. 

LIFE SAVERS: "Stepping out?" 

HIGH HAT: "My good fellow, we're calling on 
the future Missus. " 

LIFE SAVERS: "Better take me along. " 

HIGH HAT: "And what will you do?" 

LIFE SAVERS: "Take your breath away, or top." 


When you are introduced to that smooth blonde as the 
champion breast-stroker. — loo Doo. 

I used to eat wheaties for breakfast every morning. I'd 
slit open the top of the package with a bread knife, sprinkle 
a quantity of the cereal in an ordinary oatmeal dish, pour 
ill just enough cream, and coat the mixture with some 
plain white sugar. It wasn't so bad when, grasping the 
edge of the bed to pidl myself out mornings, I'd tear the 
bed to bits under me. I didn't mind particularly when the 
steering wheel of my car crumpled under my hands and 
we turned over three times into the ditch. I thought it was 
a good joke when I banged the door of my fraternity and 
the house fell to the ground. But when I tried to kiss the 
only girl I ever loved and broke her neck, I went back to 
grapenuts — Frivol. 


An old adage says: He ivho has no friends is poor. 
(Jonversely: He u'ho is poor has no friends. — Battalion. 

Country Road : Youth and maiden in car. Car falters, 
then stops. 

Calloused Youth: "Outta gas, by cracky!" 

Poor-but-Honest Girl: "Oh yeah? (Produces flask from 
somewhere ) . 

C. Y. (in highly receptive tone): "Aa-h ! What's in 
that flask?" 

P. B. H. G. : "Gasoline." — Gargoyle. 






Fraternity Jewelers 






Jerry Roeske, Mgr. 

May, 1934 

This is the song of poor Fanny afloat 
In the midst of the ocean, nith nary a boat 
In sight for a rescue : and each wave of ocean 
Is playfully putting our Fanny in motion. 

Justice: "Do you take this \v( 

for butter ni 

Groom: "()h, liver alone; I never sausage nerve." 

— Log. 

■ S 

Daughter: "Dad, how much is our family worth?" 
Father: "About four million dollars, dearest." 
Daughter: "Gee. I'm valuable." 
Father: "How's "-'lat?" 

Daughter: "My nance said that, wifhout me, the fam- 
ily wouldn't be worth fifteen cents." — bkipper. 

The high heel was thought of hy a woman u'ho was 
kissed on the forehead. — Battalion. 


Far out in the country he had parked the car. He 
turned to her with voice soft, eyes lingering on hers. The 
hill on which they had come to a stop overlooked the valley 
for miles about. There were great, barren stretches of for- 
est and field, and a single road. Obviously, the place was 
isolated, and unfrequented by many of the children of men. 
At last he spoke to her. 

"Let's talk about the hereafter," he said. 

Puzzled, she asked, "But what do you mean?" 

He stared at her. Then he glared at her. 

"Woman," he said, "if I don't get what I'm here after 
you'll be here after I've driven ,iwav." — Jack o Lantern. 


// all the horses say, "Xay," do little horses 
come from?" — Punch Bowl. 

jcu)teyx tops Ao&l them, up 

• At last, a sock that stays where 
It belongs. PhoenLv Ev-R-Ups — 
with Lastex tops of woven-in cov- 
ered rubber — fit snugly just below 
the calf. Try them! 50c, 75c, SI. 00 
fur silk or lisle of finest quality. 
if your dealer does not carry 
Kv-R-L ps. write us to learn wliere 
to buy them. Phoenix Hosiery 
Company, Milwaukee, W is. 





May, 19.14 

University of Illinois 


Features in This Issue 

Interlude at Intermission — J Sketch Page 1 

From Masqieraoer 

Finale — J Short-Short-Story Page 7 

Bv Dox Sterlixg 

The Sweetest Story Ever Told — J Skctih Page 8 

From Cornell Wiimiw 

Summer Symphonies — Fashions for Lcs Fcnuncs Page 10 

Bv EvELVx A. Stern 

Sob Stuff— J Short-Short-Story Page 13 

Bv EvELvx A. Sterx 

The Saga of Mortimer Botts — Chapter II' Page 14 

Bv Allax Kazuxas 

Summer Styles for Young Men Page 15 

CoiRTESv OF Esquire 

No Match — .y Parody Page 17 

From Notre Dame Juggler 

Riaito Coming Attractions Page 18 

Staff Page 20 

Clay Models for Cover by Jane Fanntz 

Irontispieee hy Betty Murdoek 

MAY. 1934 

John D. Tedford 

Wilbur J. Thompson 
Business Manager 

lii-mmithly duriiit; the college year by the 
mini Publishing Company, Illinois Union 
Building, Champaign, Illinois. Editorial 
and business offices in basement of Illinois 
Union Building. Twenty cents the copy. 
Entered as second-class matter at the 
Post Office at Urbana, Illinois, by act of 
Congress, March 3, 1879. 


It's tlie same the world over — always complaining of nothing to wear. 

— (Jonic// If idoiv. 

"Consomme, Rnuillon, Hois d' 
Oevres, Fricasee Poulet, Pommes de 
Tene au Gratin, Dcmitasse des 
Glaces, and tell dat mug in the 
coiner to keep his lamps offa me 
moll, see!" 

— Carnegie Tceh Puppet. 

It's the girls without principle that 

— Exehanye. 


Obstetrician — "See here, King 
Solomon, when do I get my two 
weeks' vacation?" 

- — Panther. 

New Missionary — Did you know 
Mr. Brown? 

Cannibal King — Oh, yes! He was 
the pride of our island. 

New Missionary — Why did he 
leave such a nice island? 

Cannibal King — He didn't, sir. 
You see, times got so hard that we 
had to swallow our pride. 

— Orange Peel. 


"I am going to buy you a $10 
brassiere for your birthday. What 
size do you wear?" 

"Never mind. Give me the $10, 
because I'm flat busted." 

—Rice Owl. 

Chcm. Prof.: "Come, come, give 
me the answer, please." 

Student: "I can't say it, but it's 
on the tip of my tongue." 

'Nother Stude: "My God, don't 
swallow it — it's arsenic!" 

— J'ooDoo. 


A spark of life has started many 
a girl playing with fire. 

— Skipper. 

Miss Gusher — "Professor, do you 
think marriage is a failure?" 

Professor — "Well-er-I've noticed 
the bride never gets the best man." 

May, 19. U 



a short sturv 


by Don Sterling 

Illustrated bv Jim \\ ill 

PROFESSOR Blake Holland 'lb 
and a Ph. D., strolled into the 
classroom leisurely. It was a warm 
June morning, and Professor Hol- 
land did not think it a fitting time 
to give a final exam. 

"Ah, er." he hesitated, in address- 
ing the class, while thumbing the 
pages of his textbook, "American 
Histor>- to the Republic." "I regret 
to announce that I cannot deal with 
the purpose of this assembly in the 
customary manner. There will be 
but one problem — a very simple, but 
comprehensive one indeed. I trust 
that it will not require more than 
fifteen minutes of your time, at the 
most. It is this: Outline the car- 
dinal factors which brought on the 
war of the American revolution." 

Blank faces regarded him, many 
mouths agape. Then there was a 
buzz, followed by happy grins from 
all but a few individuals. Pens 
commenced to scratch noisily on the 
cheap paper. 

Professor Holland sank into a 
chair to gaze at lovely Carma Dane 
— the beauteous golden-headed girl 
who always occupied the seat di- 
rectly before him. This morning she 
enchanted him as much as ever. She 
was dressed charmingly in a white 
silk blouse that fitted closely and re- 
vealingly, and a straight blue skirt 
which had a tendency to rise tantal- 
izingly toward her knees when she 
crossed her legs. 

THE NIGHT that he had spent 
with her last week was fresh in his 
memory. She was walking home 
from a ride. He had picked her up. 
It was near midnight — too late for 
her to go to the sorority without 
being caught trying to get in; better 
to stay out all night. She did, and 
accepted her rescuer's offer of one of 
the rooms in his apartment. He had 
not followed his inclinations toward 
her to any great extent. There was 
a spark of love between them, he 
was sure, but that would have to 
wait until school was over. The 
College regulations prohibited associ- 
ations between male instructors and 
the co-eds. 

Now she sat there biting the end 
of her pen. Occasionally she made a 
notation on her exam book, regarded 
it, and then swore disgustedly to 
herself. She was getting nowhere. 
Professor Holland was nervous. 
Could it be that she couldn't imagine 
even such general answers as were 
required? Would she have to resort 

to cheating? Would he have to give 
her a grade she did not deserve? He 
was conscientious and hoped he 
would not have to resort to such 
tricks of his trade. 

Some of the students were already 
turning in their books and leaving 
in high spirits. Still Canna went on 
biting her pen. The seats at either 
side of her were empty. Professor 
Holland realized that she could have 
no notes, and surely she would not 
be so brazen to use them in front of 
him even if she was equipped. Then 
he had another horrid thought : 
Carma was a senior due for gradua- 
tion ; her major was history, and she 
needed the credit in this course to fill 
the requirements for a degree. He 
felt his heart sinking as he saw hers 

SHE LOOKED LP at him as if to 
gain inspiration. He smiled at her 
as at a sweetheart. She tried to 
return the smile, looked doubtful for 
a moment, and then broke into an 
(Continued on Page 18) 


The Sweetest Story Ever 

as told by: 
The engineer. 

Darling — the induced stresses on 
my bi-valve, reciprocating heart in- 
crease inversely as the square of the 
distance between us. My entropy 
tail-spins to zero when I am placed 
in the magnetic field of your person- 
ality. Make the indicator card of 
my happiness gage reach the maxi- 
mum. Say we two will be welded 
together, man and wife. 

The arts student. 

Dearest — were you placed adja- 
cent to the gaudy, golden, glowing 
sun, your bright, blooming virtue 
would far outshine the lux caloris. 
Your esoteric, aesthetic femininity 

reduces to naught the petty import 
of a world dry as ashes and bitter as 
dregs of opium from some far den of 
Eastern sin without your divine, cat- 
aclysmic presence. Struggle vainly 
not against the tortured stabs of 
maidenly proud modesty, but be one 
with me forever. 

The laiv student. 

Inasmuch as it has been alleged 
that there exists at the present time 
a mutual feeling of so-called affec- 
tion between the parties of the first 
and second part, we, the under- 
signed, wish hereby respectfully to 
call your attention to the fact that, 
whereas such is indubitably the case, 
the procedure which would, more- 
over, result in the most satisfaction, 
nevertheless, for all concerned. 

would be preliminary negotiations 
with, as their ultimate goal, not- 
withstanding, a marriage between 
the aforementioned parties of the 
first and second part. 
The Ay Student. 

Let's get hitched, huh, babe? 

— Cornell Widow. 

"Your cat made an awful noise 
for hours on the back fence last 
night, and — " 

"I'm awfully sorry, but since he 
ate the canary he thinks he can 


Willie: "Paw, does bigamy mean 
that a man has one wife too many?" 

Paw: "Not necessarily, my son. 
A man can have one wife too many 
and still not be a bigamist." 

Be not too harsh ivith this warbler, brother. 
For she may be somebody's mother. 
Yet dry the tears from your dimming eye: 
She won't be if I have to be the guy. 

May, 19. U 

A man was discovered by his 
wife one night standing over the 
baby's crib. Silently she watched 
him. As he stood looking down at 
the sleeping infant, she saw in his 
face a mixture of emotions — rapture, 
doubt, admiration, despair, ecstasy, 
incredulity. Touched and wonder- 
ing alike at this unusual parental at- 
titude and the conflicting emotions 
the wife with eyes glistening arose 
and slipped her arms around him. 

"A penny for your thoughts." she 
said in a voice tremulous. He 
blurted them. out: 

"For the life of me, I can't see 
how anybody can make a crib like 
that for three forty-nine." 

— Exchange. 



Whew! My mouth tastes like a 
co-ed's complexion looks ! 

— Skipper. 

The nurse entered the professor's 
room and said softly: "It's a boy, 

The professor looked up from his 
desk. "Well." he said. "What does 
he want? " 

— Exchange. 


Hubby: "I have tickets for the 

Wife: "Fine, Fll start dressing 
at once." 

Hubby: "Yes. do. The tickets are 
for tomorrow night." 

Mr. Henpeck: "Now, don't get biological, dear." 

—.1/. /. T.. J 00 Doo 

"Have you seen the new play I 
wrote about the couple who were 
always quarreling?" 

"No, but I heard you and your 
wife rehearsing it." 

She: "I don't think that English 
course did you any good. You still 
end every sentence with a proposi- 
tion. " 

— Xorthiicstern Purple Parrot. 

A pal of ours landed a soft job 
— he's in a bloomer factory now, 
pulling down about two thousand 
a year. 

— Punch Boul. 


We tried it on the sofa. 

We tried it on the chair; 
We tried it on the window-sill. 

But I couldn't get it there. 

—.1/. /. T.. loo Do 

We tried it near the fireplace, 
But there was too much light; 

We tried it in the hallway. 

But it wouldn't work just right. 

We tried by the radio. 

We tried it on the floor; 
We tried it in the hammock. 

And there was no room behind 
the door. 

We finally found position. 

Where it would work just right; 
I swear that is an awful job. 

Photography at lu'ght. 

— Skipper. 




The new summer togs are intrigumg 
as well as durable, which makes them 
very interesting both for the lucky ones 
who will start to work this summer, and 
for the co-ed who will spend her time 
getting a rich tan. Cotton is the ma- 
terial whether it is to be used in bright 
shorts for the beach or in darker tailored 
numbers for the store or office. 

The majority of the dresses are of one 
piece with a novelty jacket or the ever 
faithful three-quarter coat that can be 
removed to show small puff sleeves or 
the slit cap that is so cool. These dresses 
for the street are as long as the graceful 
skirts worn in the fall, and the fabric 
falls into lovely pleats and gores. Linen 
dresses with a contrasting color jacket 
of pique; natural linen suits with a 
blouse of mahogany brown or burnt or- 
ange; and dotted swiss frocks in darker 
colors with a bolero jacket are but a 
few of the stunning and simple frocks 
that will be seen on the streets during 
the hot months. And the beauty of them 
all is that they stay fresh and launder 
as easily as the collar you have been 
wearing for years that still looks new. 
At the beach or by the sea the ques- 
tion of what to wear never seems to 
bother a single resorter, but that is only 
because she has carefully planned long 
before what to wear, when and how. No 
longer do women hamper themselves with 
skirts on a tennis court or golf course. 
The shorts are of linen and seersucker, 
of plain color and of pin stripes gradu- 
ating into barber poles. The blouse is of 
the same pattern and material, and a 
great many of the outfits have a skirt 
that can be donned at the cocktail bar. 
For boating there are the nautical slacks 
that women have now claimed as their 

In the evening all differences cease 
between the hard working gal and her 
sister of leisure. Now they both become 
frankly sophisticated in their trailing 
gowns (still of cotton) of pastel french 
mouslin and vari-colored prints. These 
sweep the ground in many rows of tiny 
ruffles, or a short train that is held over 
the arm while dancing. 

Simple crispness in lovely shades will 
make it a pleasure to dress this summer. 


by Evelyn A. Stern 

May, 1934 


M^^ Smith? 


Yes, thank you 
M^ Smitli ! 

© 1934. Liw.ETT &■ Myers Tobacco Co. 




My uings. somehoiv, ivere never there; 

My horns have failed to sprout. 
I ivant to die : but first I'd like 

To drink, just onee. 'til I ptiss out. 

An enemy. I knon-, to all 

Is ivieked. nicked alcohol; 

The Bible, thouyh. coiuniandeth nie 

To learn to love mine enemy. — Cow. 

-Sans Souci. 

"Sorry, lady, all complaints go to Mr. Pasquale of 
our credit department." 

— Punch Boiil 

First in Fashions 

There is a faint rustle on the stair, and everyone looics 
up. She stands tall and regal but, oh, so appealing in her 
long, flowing, taffeta gown with the little white ruff up- 
right at the throat, and the skirt twirls and whispers as she 
moves down the steps. On her head is a small may-basket 
— no, a hat ; it, too, of shimmering, feminine taffeta, and 
tucked in place with that lovely oriental flower, the gar- 
denia. On her hands are soft net gloves that gather at the 
wrist in quaint little flares. 

Your Grandmother? Even she was no more beautiful 
than this — the Illinois co-ed at the Senior Ball. 

Nothing ever changes? We just heard about colored 
tuxedos for men, and whose grandfather was responsible 
for that fashion? 

Store Manager: "I can't give you a job. I can't afford 
any extra help just now." 

'34 (just out): "That's all right. I shan't be much 

Theta Xo. 1 : "Don't you think we ought to wake 

Theta No. 2: "Why, dearie?" 

No. 1 : "She has gone to sleep without her sleeping 

"What kind of brain has the average Illini co-ed got?" 
"About a thousand scandalpower." 

May, 1934 



a short-short-story 

Evelyn A. Stern 

1X7E ALL FELT kind ot sorry for Dopey; here he'd 
' ' been going with Arthabelle in his shy and retiring 
way for many proms and taxi rides, and he just couldn't 
seem to get to first base — second and third being complete- 
ly out of the question. 

She was a pretty good gal, a little bit too upsettish over 
fellas like Clark Gable and Rudy Vallee, but it was no 
wonder with Dopey hanging around all the time. Here she 
was crying for romance, and he was a metallurgist. That's 
not a pet name, but the handle that the university tacks 
on a guy who talks about iron and steel, and aluminum and 
steel, and copper and steel, and once in a while mentions a 
fire — the kind they have in melting furnaces. 

It was at our house dance that I decided to take a hand 
in this glowing romance. My import and I were hunting 
for a spot where we could pitch a little woo when we came 
upon Dopey and Arthabelle speaking enrapturedly on the 
subject of photosis or some whatsis. Dopey was doing all 
the talking, while poor Arthy sat and yawned and powdered 
her nose. My date was kind of a pot and I felt like that 
too, so I wasn't at all surprised when I took action on a 
very pregnant idea. 

"Let's change," I croaked, and dragged Arthabelle off 
before the Dope had finished the first paragraph of his 

The band played "Stardust" while I told her she didn't 
know how to handle men ; "Oh You Nasty Man" while 
she was learning the facts of life; and "My Sin" when 
I led her back to her soul mate. 

I GAVE MY GIRL the wink, so they both went up 
to powder their noses while I had a heart to heart with 
Dopey. And believe you me, I told him. When I got 
through he was so sold on the ideas of love and beauty and 

the aesthetic sense that I was almost afraid he would fly 
away. Just then Arthy came back looking dewy-eyed, so I 
crept behind the palms to watch my handiwork. 

"Arthabelle," says Dopey in a strangled voice, but she 
beat him to the draw. 

"Honey," she crooned, "will you fix my slipper for me? 
I think I broke the strap." And with that she holds up her 
foot for the poor near-sighted thing to see. And did he 
crash through. 

"Oh, Arthabelle," he sobbed, while she gazed longing- 
ly into his eyes. "One look at you and I have decided; I'm 
going to be a sculptor." 

Then there's the co-ed who goes out every Saturday 
night sowing wild oat.s — and on Sunday morning goes to 
church to pray for crop failures. — Ranimcr Jamincr. 


"Hello, is this Mr. Goldfarb?" 


"This is Mr. Schncck's office. Will you please hold the 


"Hello, is this Mr. Goldfarb?" 


"This is Mr. Schneck's private secretary. Hold the line 
a minute, please." 

( Pause). 

"Hello, is this .Mr. (Goldfarb?" 


"Well this is Schneck. Goldfarb, you stink!" — Medley. 





^/S^^ITi Y^ 

Continuity by Allan Kazunas 

Illustrated by Rosemary Miller 

Our Mart soon ijot riled at the big city sliikir 

IVho ivas filliny his sicccthcart. dear less, ivith l>uin liquor. 

Poor Tess, incanuliile, yot so upset uith the faet 

That the siren made j\lort that she fiercely attacked. 

The result of the fight found the 
floosie knocked cold 

It i/h her make-up torn off . minus 
fillings of gold; 

U hile the slicker, ivhoin Mart had 
knocked out at her side 

U lis as ready to go for an ambu- 
lance ride. 

Though Mort lainincd the slicker 

uith vengeance sincere, 
A banana peel forced hint to fall on 

his car; 
So Tcss stroked his brou' like the 

tendercst nurse 
And prayed in the meantime he 

iL'ouldn't get ivorse. 

Suffice it to say that the siren and slicker 
llad a race leaving toicn to sec nhich one was quiekci 
Our Tessie and Mortimer, bold as you please, 
Decided to "honor and love" by degrees. 


May, 1934 



offers a jew tips on 

Summer Styles 


Young Men 

' I ""HERE NEVER is an open season for dowii- 
'■ right sloppiness, and the day has long since 
passed when summer suits were expected to be 
shapeless, but there is a wide latitude between the 
permissible extremes of formality in summer out- 
fits. Both figures in this sketch from Esquire are 
smartly dressed for warm weather, yet one looks 
as dressed up as the other doesn't. Both outfits are 
recommended, with preference being a matter to 
be determined largely by type. Either you're the 
kind of man who never feels comfortable unless he 
looks like something just out of the bandbox, or 
you're the kind that rejoices in opportunities to go 
in for the carefully careless. 

The outfit at the left consists of a double- 
breasted brown gabardine jacket, a light blue knit- 
ted polo shirt, and tan cotton trousers that could 
really almost be called yellow. Obviously, this one 
is very informal. The one at the right represents 
a summer time adaptation of a type of suit that 
is usually executed in dressy, hardfinished fabrics. 
It is the three-button peaked lapel model with the 
very English double-breasted waistcoat. It marks 
something of a departure from the old-fashioned 
patch models that used to be considered the only 
suitable form in which to make up summer fabrics. 
With it is worn a deep blue shirt with either plain 
or pleated bosom, with white cuffs and white de- 
tached collar. The collar may be laundered or soft, 
although the former is more in keeping with the 
general tone of the outfit. If the thought of a stiff 
collar in summertime scares you, we can oidy say 
that in the new light weights, a lot of men find 
them more comfortable than soft collars, the theor\' 
being that air can get in between the collar and 
>our neck. 

THERE ARE MANY late spring and svmimer 
functions, such as country club parties on Saturday 
nights for instance, where the ladies appear breezily 
comfortable in sheer gowns, that might tip the 
scales at a few scant ounces, while their less for- 

tunate escorts swelter in odd jackets and Hannels, or regulation 
evening kits— comfortable enough in season, but on sultry 
summer nights, as weighty as medieval armor. 

The single or double breasted dinner jackets are two 
recognized trends for summer evening wear. The material 
may be light weight white cotton, linen, or Palm Beach cloth 
with shawl collar and self lapel facings. These arc worn with 
tropical worsted dress trousers, patent leather oxfords or 
pumps, a white soft shirt witii either soft or laundered collar, 
and a black dress tie. 

.Midnight blue, calculated to look even blacker than black 

after nightfall, is also an acceptable shade for the trousers. 

For that matter, trousers of the same material as the jacket 

are also correct. The blue waistcoat may also be worn, this is 

(Continued on Paijc 18) 



"Quick, Henry, the Fleet!" 

-Cornell IVidow 

We heard of a domestic dilemma 
which touched our sympathies in the 
vicinity of the sense of humor. A 
certain matron was preparing for a 
sliower when she heard a car drive 
up behind the house and stop. She 
suspected that it was the ice-man, 
and at the same time realized that 
the kitchen door was locked. She 
could don her robe and let him in, 
or else, she hesitated, she could slip 
quickly out, unlock the door and 
duck back into her room without 
bothering with the robe. The latter 
course seemed more feasible and less 
complicated, so she started out. 

As she reached the door, and 
snapped off the lock, the man ap- 
peared on the back porch, several 
seconds before he was normally due. 
The horror-stricken wife had no 
time to beat a full retreat ot the bed- 
room, so she hastily slipped into a 
closet off the kitchen which con- 
tained the gas meter and the clean- 
ing utensils for the house. 

The reason why the gentleman 
had reached the kitchen ahead of 
time became evident as he entered. 
He was not an ice man, but a meter- 
man who had come to read the meter 
in the closet. He went unsuspect- 
ingly to the door and after some un- 
accountable resistance, managed to 
get I't open. There, in addition to his 

meter, stood the lady of the house, 
cowering behind the head of a kit- 
chen mop, and blushing in all vis- 
ible portions. 

There was an instant of embar- 
rassed silence, and then she stam- 
mered by way of explanation : 

"Heavens! I thought you were 
the ice man !" 

— The (jorncll ll'idoiv. 

Some chickens prefer corn shelled 
from the cob, while others are will- 
ing to drink it right out of the 

— Skififier. 


The moving picture actor came 
home in the wee small hours, and 
was confronted by an angry better 

"What's the meaning of this?" 
she demanded, pointing to the 

"Now, my dear, don't be angry," 
replied the M. P. A. "We were re- 
hearsing the court scene in that new 
film, and the jury couldn't agree, so 
we had to stay out all night!" 

"What any one doesn't know 
won't hurt him." 

"How about a gun he doesn't 
know is loaded?" 

"Mummy, may I go in to swim?" 
"Certainly not, my dear: it's far 
too deep." 

"But daddy is swimming." 
"Yes, dear, but he's insured." 

"Words can't express it, Mr. 
Gottgelt, but I feel it here." 

—M. I. T.. loo Doo 

May, 1934 


No Match . . . 



y!o brush, no lather 

Xo rub in 

fl'et your razor 

Then begin. 

The day had been cold. I had walked in the rain for 
hours. My body hummed with pain. I told them so and 

"Funny," I said. 

"Funny?" they asked. 

"Funny!" I said and left. Outside it was still cold. 
I wished them luck in there. There were a fine lot. silly 
lot. careless lot and a funny lot. I went back to them and 
asked them for a drink. They were all drunk and didn't 
hear me. I cursed and went out into the street. It smelled 
like a street in the night. 

"Damn fools," I muttered, "they're very, very drunk." 

I saw a post with a green light on the top. I leaned on 
it and it was hard and felt like a train wheel riding over 
me. I knew I should have something. You could have a 
cigarette and if you wanted a cigarette and had one you 
could have one. People smoke cigarettes. I would have to 
get on. I was getting very cold. 

Then I saw an old man coming along with a little boy. 
They passed. They looked cold. I still wanted that cigar- 
ette. In my pocket I had three smashed packs, but they 
were wet with rain. Men do that to cigarettes, and they 
don't like cigarettes am' more. They were mine but not 
to smoke, not to use ; only to spoil and not to smoke. Now. 
I took one. It was smashed. But it was mine and it might 
be a little dry. 

I walked on in the rain. I put my hand in all my 
pockets for a match. There were no matches in my pockets. 
Now, I'd have to go back. I started. 

I was walking across the street when I saw the moon 
up high making everything dusty and white. All the time 
I was walking. Then, I came where their voices were, and 
they were still drunk. You can tell when eighty people are 

I stepped inside, I heard a young girl laugh. She was 
drunk. Another girl laughed. She was drunk too. They 
looked at me contemptuously and looked at each other and 
looked away and looked back at me and looked away again. 

"They won't come back," someone said. 

"They don't come back." said someone else. 

"They can't come back," said someone else still . 

"Once they're gone," I laughed and walked fast toward 
the girl who was laughing. 

"Match?" I asked. 

"Sorry." She turned away. 

"You have a match?" I asked another fat one. 

Note well, my friends, the grim-set face. 
The wrestler's clutch, the fierce embrace. 
But he can't release his grasp on her gown 
For her shoulder strnf is coming down. 



"No, " and he turned away too. 

"Have you a match, friend?" I asked a man who looked 
like the one who had passed me with the little boy. He 
had no match. 

I jerked my coat more on and it tore. I went out. It 
was cold and I went faster. The green light was still there. 
And it mocked the moon. — S'otre Dame Juggler. 

Love is the thing that makes you get up at seven in 
the morning iihen it has kept you out till three the nite 



Dick Powell, Ginger Rogers, 
and Pat O'Brien as they ap- 
pear in "20 Million Sweet- 

"Twenty Million Sweet- 

(May 20 thru 23) 
Twenty Million Sweethearts, lis- 
ten to the Soap Hour which gives 
Dick Powell and Ginger Rogers to 
their dear public. But until the time 
Dick is on top of the heap the strug- 
gle is often involved. He is discov- 
ered in a Hollywood beer garden 
singing "The Man on the Flying 
Trapeze." As the result of being 
heard by a radio scout, Pat O'Brien, 
singing waiter, Powell gets a radia 

But he turn.s out to be a flop after 

a few weeks, until he accidentally 
teams up with pretty-limbed Ginger 
Rogers with whom he duets his way 
to fame on a soap manufacturer's 

Although this picture is musical 
there are no chorus girls running 
through it, but the action is centered 
around the small studio group which 
has worries from the start when 
Powell's audition seems to go wrong. 
Of course Ginger Rogers helps him 
out of it, but in the meantime there 
are many greying hairs among his 

Attractions Coming 

to the 


"Murder at The Vanities" 

(May 27 thru 30) 

A musical show that has a bona 
fide plot is promised by this talkie 
which has as its leading lights : Jack 
Oakie, Victor McLaglen, Gertrude 
Alichael. Of course we cannot for- 
get that the Carroll girls will be in 

Duke Ellington and his orchestra 
furnish the sparkling numbers 
among which are: Marahuana, 
Cocktails For Two, Ebony Rhap- 
sody, Lovely One. 

All crimes, actual and attempted, 
are committed, investigated, and 
solved backstage. Practically all of 
this is done while an Earl Carroll 
Vanity show is in progress. 

Carl Brinson, an English movie 
headliner, and Kitty Carlisle, of 
Broadway musical revues, also assist, 
as do several young Paramount star- 
lets among whom are: Toby Wing, 
Barbara Fritchie, Dorothy Stickney, 
Clara Lou Sheridan, Gwenlillian 
Gill. Other males are: Jessie Ralph, 
Charles Middleton, Donald Meek. 

Finale . . . 

(Continittd from Pni/e 7 ) 
expression of one who has made a 
momentous discovery. She bent over 
her book, commenced to write hur- 
riedly without need to pause. 

Professor Holland was elated. 
Carma was on the homeward path. 
She had suddenly recalled every- 
thing. He watched her as she gath- 
ered up her things to leave, returned 
her smile a.s she came toward his 
desk. Carma left her paper in front 
of him, and with another sauc\ 
smile, left his presence. 

The professor's eyes followed her 
through the door. Soon he would be 
free to prosecute his case with her. 

He was sure that he had every 
chance in the world to win her. She 
had promised that the night she was 
with him. 

He opened the pages of her book. 
There were a few inconsequential 
recordings in the early pages, most 
of them scratched out. He became 
anxious; pages following were blank. 
Then on the back page — his mouth 
fell; his heart sank. He repeated 
what he had read, his lips forming 
the syllables. A paragraph read: 

"If (II, Prof, I guess you 
knoiv the nnsiver. I don't kno^v 
beans (ilmiit this stuff. Had a 
heavy date last u'u/ht ivith the 
Deke I'm going to marry this 

month. But I n'ant my degree 
and I need to pass this rourse to 
get it. SO — if you are anxious 
to hold on to your job, kindly 
reeall a eertain night last ti'eek. 
IVouldn't the board just hme to 
hear about that?" 


Summer Styles . . . 

(CjOntinued from Page 15) 
a warm weather adaption of the 
growing popularity for color in this 
particular dress accessory — wine 
color incidentally has been the pre- 
vailing favorite in recent months. 

The floral decoration in the lapel 
is another desirable touch of color, 
and should be either a deep red car- 
nation or a blue cornflower. 

May, 1934 



There was once a traveling man who went up into a 
little restaurant in Quebec. The restaurant was in the 
rougher, tougher section of the historical old town, and the 
man surveyed its interior with no small amount of pleasant 
interest. He was a stranger, and, feeling a strong desire 
for company, he sat down at the table of a lumberjack. He 
engaged the man in conversation and became quite inter- 
ested in the stories he had to tell about the north country. 
The woodsman had a heavy black beard and talked with a 
very strong French accent. Finally when he had grown 
tired of relating his heroic deeds, he turned to the stranger 
and asked, "Do you ever been to Ste. Pierre?" 

"Yes," cried the traveling man. "I have been there 
often. A lovely town, Ste. Pierre." 

"You know Marie Rousseau there?" asked the lumber- 

"Do I know Marie Rousseau? Why. man, I've known 
Marie for years. \VTiy. ever\- time I go to Ste. Pierre I 
go to see Marie. In fact, I was there only last week." 

"Waiter!" called the woodsman, "bring me couple bot- 
tles of your best wine — the ver' best — I have just meet ver 
old fren of my wife!" — Gargoyle. 

Heaven '""i' hftp fhe uorking girl, but uho's going lo 
loot out for the poor sap she's icorkingf — Skipper. 

We like to know intimate details about great men — but 
when the New York Times Book Review prints an article 
entitled "Tolstoy as His Wife Saw Him," we think that 
is going a little too far. — //". P. Pointer. 

Professor: "Are you cheating on this examination?" 
Student: "No, sir. I was only telling him his nose was 
dripping on my paper." — / oo Doo. 

A chorus girl is one 'u ho has to be efficient in practically 
nothing. — Battalion. 

Bellhop (making Lady and Gentleman comfortable): 
'Anything else, Mr. Smith?" 

Mr. S.: "No, thanks." 

Bellhop: "Anything for your wife?" 

Mr. S. (absentmindedly) : "Why, yes, bring me a post- 
card." — Rammer Jammer. 


Doc (at hygiene lecture) — "Now. what do you know 
about salivary glands?" 

Middie — "Couldn't find out a thing. Doc. They are 
too darn secretive!" — Log. 


Women uho near slips seldom mate them — Punch 

'WeWe telling YOU about 


'T-^INDING a pipe tobacco that's 
\j just right is about as easy as 
picking a perfect wife. We haven't 
found the wife yet— but our tobacco 
search is over. 

"It wasn't easy. We ran the gamut first — tobaccos 
so strong they sent our heads spinning, tobaccos so 
mild you didn't even know you were smoking. 

"And then we found it! Ah, what a tobacco! Edge- 
worth! Mild— but not flat and tasteless. Rather a rich, 
full-bodied, flavorful kind of mildness . . . Yes, we 
know our tobaccos. And we're telling YOU!" 

Edgeworth, gentlemen, is made from the tenderest 
leaves of the Burley plant. And it's skilfully blended to 
bring out the rich, savory flavor that is found only in 
Edgeworth. Also, you will find Edgeworth lasts longer. 

Ask for Edgeworth Ready-Rubbed or Edgeworth in Slice form, 
15i pocket package to pound humidor tin. Sererat sizes in 
vacuum packed tins. In these airtight tins the tobacco retains 
its freshness in any climate. Edgeworth is made and guaranteed 
by Larus S: Bro. Co., Richmond, Va., Tobacconists since 1S77. 










Founded, 1912 

MAY, 1934 



Associalf Editor 



Associate Editoriai. Board 

Jf'oman's Editor 


Make-up Editor 



Art Staff 

Jim Will Field Beam 

Rosemary Miller Ken McCain 

Marion V. Corliss Marcus V. Brewster 
Bettv Ross 

Editorial Staff 
Jeroma Wallace Isca Wiley 

Art Editor 




mini Publishing Company 
Basement Union Building 


Phone 4181 

Hours 4-4:30 
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday 

A di'irtising Manager 

Adcle Pohl Howard Sears 

Dorothy Blum 



Circulation Manager 

Junior Collections Manager 



Eloise Ireland Howard Dixon 

Mary Jane Lotts 

Is Our Face RED! 

Mr. Robert Stone, the associate editor of this 
magazine, once enrolled at the great University of 
Illinois and lent his great humorous talent to the 
Siren, college comic of that promising college. That 
was back in 1929. Among the accomplishments of our 
Mr. Stone was a fine drawing of some hobos in the 
jungle. The February number of this same Siren 
has our Mr. Stone's drawing as a cover design, 
which leads us to believe that eventually a man's 
talent will be discovered. — Oklahama Aggiezuitor. 

"Well, Mrs. Johnsing," a colored physician announced 
after taking her husband's temperature, "Ah's knocked the 
fever out of him." 

"She' nuff!" was the excited reply. "Am he gwine to 
git well, den?" 

"Noh'm," answered the doctor, "dey is no hope fo' 
him. But yo' has de satisfaction of knowin' he died cured." 

— Burr. 

A freshman was forced to apply at a country police 
station for lodging and when asked his name, replied that 
it was Smith. 

"Give me your real name," he was ordered. 

"Well," said the applicant, "Put down William Shakes- 

"That's better," said the officer. "You can't bluff me 
with that Smith stuff." — Puppet. 




Enriched by Tradition 

Fine beer can't be made over night. Behind fine 
beer must be age — and tradition. BUDVVEISER is 
richly endowed with both. Anheuser-Busch be- 
gan brewing in 1865. BUDWEISER was created in 
1876. Its unforgettable quality was so outstanding 
that in the International Exposition in Paris in '78 
it won first honors from all the brews of the world. 
It was awarded the gold medal at the World's Fair 
in Philadelphia in 1876, at Amsterdam in 1883, 
at New Orleans in 1885 and Chicago in 1893. 
BUDWEISER'S greatest distinction never has been 
matched by any other brew anywhere — the biggest- 
selling bottled beer in history. 

, For those who make livtug a fine art 

Order by the Case 
Jo r your Home 


"it's toasted" 

Or7/f the Ce?iterLeaves-t/iese are the Mi/desf Leaves ^iXftkeCr^ They Taste Better 

J\J Copyright, 1934, The American TobBcco Company 

NOT the top leaves— /A^-'jf uudei-di-veluftcd- 
tliey are harsh! 


NOT I he buttoni leaves — Mc/'f "'Jt'nor in 
ijiialily — coarse and sandy!